^.^- I UC-NRLF rm 5tciar8 Ciluma^Pupp THE ABSENT MAN, A NARRATIVE. EDITED BY SIR PETER PLASTIC, KNIGHT OF THE ORDER OF THE TOWER AND SWORD. '• tX J<: * * * * the an- guish of my >«•***** as the solemn pro- cession ******* along the avenue of elms ****** to the wicket gate of the church yard" * ^ * ■* * * ^^ It was the last earthly * * * x: )t * to my Uncle's obsequies. He was a man, take •)<■** -^t * * ^oh wept bitterly" * * -x- * * * A perplexed and perplexing story closes the manuscript relating to the marriage of some happy pair or other — the names are unfortu- nately elFaced ; but a circumstance attending the ceremony seems to have been a good joke: the indistinct fractions, as far as they are capable of construction, refer to the loss, as it appears, of the bridegroom's recollection at a very criti- cal moment J and the word '' ring" being written with several notes of exclamation, or Vll interrogation, it is impossible to detect wliirh expression was intended, leads to the natural conclusion^ that it was forgotten on the bridal morning. Sir Peter Plastic cannot dismiss the subject without expressing his regret, that his numer- ous professional avocations will not admit of his endeavouring to discover any chemical prepara- tion, by the application of which some of the damaged letters might possibly reassume their original form, and give a better finish to the narrative. He, however, cannot overcome his original opinion, that the manuscript was intended as a burlesque j and that the abrupt close of it was chosen to ridicule the unsatisfactory finis of a modern novel : though, as the scorched paper nmst certainly have been accidental, and again war- rants the supposition of it's having been the act of an '' Absent Man," he leaves the world to decide the point. P.P. Tower of London, Jan. 1817. THE ABSENT MAN Having been somewhat notorious during my younger days as an Absent Man, a character very probably ma- tured, if not occasioned altogether by a wounded intellect, for the under- standing is a fair mark for Love; and as I vv^ould " still be harping upon Ophelia;*' it may be reasonable to con- clude, that I had no time for the diges- tion and arrangement of those ideas that ordinarily occupy men's minds, and conduce to the general organisa- tion of society (which I learn from the observations of my friends I used fre- quently to interrupt:) it shall be my 6 eiuleavour, «o\v that! havearriveil at a more equable line of conduct, to point out the eccentricities I formerly had the credit of committing, and taking all due advantage of a title so apt as that of an " Absent Alan," shall hope in any informality or omission, into which I may occasionally be led, to receive the full allowance it will en-title me to solicit. Thanks, gentle Reader! for your at- tention to my introductory discourse; and as I am sure you feel considera- ble impatience to become better ac- quainted with my state and condition in this laughing world, learn that I am, alas! a widower of the age of (as our age is a secret of which we are ge- nerally pertinacious, I shall decline fill- ing up this blank.) My means are suffi- cient for my expenditure; I take the air before breakfast; and never indulge in hot liquors, or warm beds, so that my measure of health is quite as good as that of my neighbours; and, 1 think, on the w hole, it preserves a more con- stant standard. The age of tlie whin- ing school boy passed with me in that invariable transition from grief to joy, or mirth to tears, so common upon a review of the birchen grove, or a re- turn to dulcedomum; and, excepting in arithmetic, the dull precision of that science never according with my embryo inclination for an absence of thought, I escaped whipping as often as any of my class, not having suffered the dreaded infliction above twice a week; in those times, before cor- poreal punishment became so just an object of pu]>lic reprobation, a very moderate, and, I have no doubt, well merited allowance. It was the whim of a u^orthy uncle, under whose guardianship, upon my quitting the vicissitudes I have just de- scribed, I was protected and instruct- ed, to consign me in my eighteenth B C year to the care of an Hibernian Pabtor related to our family on mymother^s side ; who was accounted a man of worth and ability, and so far capable of a charge from which my uncle was not a little rejoiced to be released. At this nugatory stage of my animal being, thoughtless and inconsiderate" as my general deportment had been, I felt that genuine sadness ever attendant on a separation from the scenes of our earliest recollection. Home possesses a charm, which no lapse of tin;e can efface; and the ideas, that awaken in our memory any traces of our boyish pastimes, are ever among the most pleasurable of our after lives; the de- parture from the spot itself is painful, and unsatisfactory. I left my uncle's house with a full portion of this feeling, heightened by the conviction of his unceasing care, though I could not but be susj)icious of having incurred his disapprobation, and construed my dis- 5 T^aissd to Ireland into an expression of it. He assured me, liowever, that his motives liad no impulse of this kind, and that my advantage only prompted him to this determination. I tendered him my gratitude, it was all 1 had, in requital of his guardian love, and with a tear of which I was not ashamed, embarked witli favouring gales for the Irish coast, taking his blessing freely given. Although my aberrations were now beginning to be observable, I well re- member the gratification with which I beheld, after a passage, rendered tedi- ous by the first sufferings of a fresh- water sailor, (who as yet had only ex- perienced the gentle undulations of a large tench pond) the opening view of the bay of Dublin. The night, which had been ruled by the fierce spirit of the storm, now vanished at the calm approach of returning morning; and just as we descried the point of land Called Irelancrs Eye, the sun arose in all liis splendour, and Irradiated v/itb wonderful effect tlie various mansions, that surround that beautiful city. Each spire and pinnacle claimed it's share in the general effulgence, and glittered beneath the gray and misty ridge of the impendingWicklow moun- tains. Our vessel floatinggentlyon the azure wave, till the flow of the tide served for us to get over the bar, enabled us to discover at eacli tack new scenery. The honest joy of an unsophisticated Irishman (who was returning to the land of his fathers after a service of manual toil in the vicinity of London) upon the evaporation of the fog from the church of St. Patrick, made a pleas- ing addition to the groupof the picture. All nature seemed to hail th.e joyous break of light, and the beauties of the creation commanded their full triumph in this delightful panorama. Eavour- able as was ibis introduction to the Isle of Erin, I was by no means in- clined to reverse the impression, npon surveying the public buildings of it's capital. Free from that unsightly fibii of long-collected dirt, which destroys the appearance of our London edifices, the uncontaminated stone rises in all the beauty of architectural proportion, and forms the most striking elevations, destitute of the cloudy covering of our metropolitan temples. Here I con- clude my eulogy; the sun must go down, and the sequel of my narrati\e will never be attained, unless we de- scend into the shadowy side of the canvass. My road from Dublin to Athlone in the county of Westmeath, the place of my destination, lay through a long- succession of uninterestino^ bop'-land interrupted only by the miserable villages upon it; a lamentable diver- 8 slty, and but ill calculated to prolong the prepossessions of the traveller, in- separable from a view of the Bay. This journey was accomplished through the good services of an Irish post-chaise, tlie workmanship of which being peculiar to that country, I ihall attempt a description of it. The body of this vehicle was by no means equilateral, a sinuous excre- scence obtruding itself on the dexter side, for the support of the pannel, whereupon was emblazoned in all the modesty of white chalk, the ostenta- tious patronymic of the Master of the Shamrock Inn. The wheels were of various thickness, and picked out with an agreeable intermixture of the different soils over which they liad tra- velled for the last ten years. The carriage might probaidy have received an equal coat of paint when first launched, but the drawing operation of the sun had long since blistered 9 it's surface, and dispersed the compo- Rcnt parts of the colour into all the hues of a marble paper. The con- cretion of mould and rust on the lea- thern roof of this venerable vehicle had never been expunged by the appli- cation of any unctuous matter, so that it assumed a doubtful dye correspond- ing with the diversity of the body. The material defect of the convej-an-ce, however, consisted in the porous cul- lender above me, miscalled a roof; an excellence to which, in spite of several tufts of straw interwoven with much art, it had no kind of pretension; inso- much, that as the day proved as rainy as the calendar of St. Swithin, I was obliged to expand an umbrella over iny head, and even then endured it's drip- ping into a pair of boots, which like the pipes of an engine held the supply most retentively. The two horses, not a pair, to this complete equipage, were in their condition and caparison B 5 10 perfectly in harmony with it; nor was the unstudied attire of their driver, (an Irishman six feet in height) the least attractive part of the array; who, as the composer of the harness, had patronized the manufacture of twine in preference to that of leather, and formed the reticulated traces by the aid of a ball of string. The inns on the road were gene- rally of the most pitiful description, and in unison with the chaises they kept, so that a painter might have dis- covered a corresponding tone through- out. Inquiring of a sturdy landlady of Kilbeggan, what I could have for dinner, " O please your honour, I've some elegant eggs and bacon, but no other meat in the house," was the re- ply; and having no sort of objec- tion to her bill of fare, though I had vet to discover wherein it's elecjance consisted, I ordered the dish with all expedition. 11 It being market day at Kiibeggan, I amused myself the meanwhile by noticing the arrival of the neighbour- ing peasantry, who flocked in great numbers to the town, and displayed their pigs and poultry to a popula- tion apparently unable to offer them the moderate prices at which their ar- ticles were yalued. The principal street now exhibited a curious medley of people, more unincumbered by the foppery of dress than I had hitherto seen, aifd wading through a thick mass of mud, without any apprehension for the genuine black and wdrlte of their shoes and stockings. In truth they wore neither, and a large fohling gray coat or cloak formed the principal appendage of either sex. The musi- cal cadences of the sucklins: o-rmitcrs imparted to the scene a degree of spi- rit, from which nothing but the re- membrance of the '' elco'ant ej^frs and l>acon" could have torn me; and Don 12 Quixote himself never left his Dulci- nea del Toboso with greater remorse, than I did the obstreperous vespers that assailed me upon Kate's kissing her pig- After my repast, the elegance of the table bearing a strict conformity to that of the provision, my hostess, with an apologetical sentence for interrupt- ing " his honour," invoked me by all the saints in Ireland to taste her whiskey; assuring me that it had proved her main support, through a series of unparallelled misfortunes. (I afterward discovered that she had lately buried her third husband.) T complied with her solicitation, but did penance for my transgression in all the horrors of a violent head-ache. This national liquor, strongly impreg- nated with the smoke of the turf used in it's distillation, possesses the most insinuating qualities, not detected at the time, from the scientific admix- 13 tti re of my landlady's favourite pota- tion, which gave it that pleasant soft- ness, so conquering, yet so insidious, with " long life to your honour," the usual benediction. I proceeded on my route to Ath- lone. My driver being asked what kind of place it was, he replied, '* Och it's an elegant town, an' please your ho- nour." I soon found that this fa- voured epithet was used indiscrimi- nately upon all occasions, and that the Irish had an habitual practice, by means of it, of extolling far beyond their respective merits, any subjects connected with the economy of their own country ; so that an ^' elegant pig," " elegant potatoes," "elegant cheese," ^* elegant roads," and the like incon- gruous phrases, soon became familiar parts of speech, and the ear was deaf- ened to the absurdity of them. I observed, as I passed along the road, that it was scattered with groups of 14 the most wretched heings I had ever beheld; and, indeed, I had not thought there were any such in the creation. I am not speaking of those alone, who, reduced by pressing want, claimed a scanty pittance from the charitable stranger, but of that peculiar descrip- tion of unfortunate people, who also laboured under natural infirmities the most horrific. Some, Math scarcely a limb in it's due proportion or place, were wheeled into the highway, to court that charity they had no power of utterance to solicit; others expos- ing an inveterate sore to excite com- passion ; and man}^ destitute of suf- ficient covering, lay stretched along the sward, a prey to poverty and de- spair. Even in this particular I traced the fatal consequences of that distaste for native soil, which has laid the foun- dation of calamities, Ireland will long have occasion to lament. Uninstructcd 15 by the example of those, whose high station, and personal authority, would be productive of the happiest results ; and destitute of that fostering care so successful in the management of our English peasantry; the Irish poor are abandoned by their superiors, and left under all the agonies of an imperative necessity, to depend upon the uncertain boon of the traveller, or endure the exactions of a middle class, with whom feeling is subservient to interest; and who, considering the at- tainment of rent as the means of per- petuating their employer's patronage, become insensible to every other ap- peal. In this abstraction of thought, I reached the domains in the neigh- bourhood of Athlone. It maybe proper to state, that every residence at all superior to a cottage is distinguished in Ireland as a domain, and '' elegant domains" are therefore as common as " elegant bacon." 16 The face of the country was now- improved by some rude plantations of ash and evergreens, and the monotony of the scene a little varied by a casual appearance of foliage and cultivation. A raised terrace formed the approach to the town, commanding an exten- sive meander of the celebrated Shan- non, over whose surface the departing luminary shed his corruscations broad and strong. Whatever might have been my dis- taste for the part of the country over \^hich I had travelled, it was height- ened upon viewing the grotesque figure of the personage, of whom I was in search. His reception of me was, however, so hospitable and un- affected, that I hold it most wise to refrain from giving a sketch of his per- son. His hat I conclude to have been of his own choice, and I may there- fore say, that the flaps, sometimes so 17 carefully confined in the embrace of a satin rosette, were here the sport of the playful zephyr, and occasionally formed both parasol and umbrella, lliscoat, being bronzed by the sooty ex- halation of the chimney corner, af- forded no attraction to the solar ray; and his ample hose appeared to be made for the parish, rather than for the parson. Not less amused with his vernacu- hir idiom, than pleased with various instances of an affability rarely to be excelled, I passed my time partly em- ployed in the improvement of my edu- cation, and partly occupied in arresting the finny brood on their passage through the far-flowing Shannon, a diversion in which my deputed guar- dian particularly excelled, till a period arrived — yes, kind Reader, a period, a full stop to my learning, my fishing, my thinking, my talking, my reason- ing, my acting as other people did. 18 It was then I became confessed " An Absent Man!" It was there I began those direful mistakes I shall from time to time develope to you. It was there I saw My reverend tutor had an only daughter, who, during the early stages of my introduction and acquaintance at her father's house, had been pro- secuting those accomplishments at an establishment in Dublin, which were now her own ornament, and her sex's envy. She returned in all the buoyancy of youthful spirits, relieved from the re- straint of scholastic admonition, and tinctured with the romantic notions of sixteen, to superintend the domestic duties from which her mother had by an early affliction been taken. It was there I saw That magic queen whose presence fix'd my eye. And made a chaos of consistency ! Her form was of that due mean be- 19 tween short and tall, which at once exhibits the most accurate proportion, and would, from a beau, at first sight, command the trite observation of a '- devilish line girl, 'pon my soul." Neither oppressed by an incumbrance of what is generally called fat, nor unable from a deficiency of it, to pre- vent the obtrusion of bone, the deve- lopement of which is not within the re- ceived acceptation of a perfect beauty; her figure moved in all the graces of unstudied elegance: her dark eye contained a magnet, that constantly drew me within it's focus; while the jetty gloss of her loose flowing hair formed just that contrast to the ivory palace that appeared through her smile, which was requisite to the effect of both. Such was the outline of Nora Ca- vannah, the only daughter of my Irish tutor, and now the only hope of *^ An Absent Man.'* 20 Reader. What, in love on tLe in- stant? Absent Man, Yes, kind Sir, or kind Madam, at first sight ; and if you are dissatisfied at the effect, remcriiber the probable cause: Nora was thought- less and young; I was thoughtless and young; and if this be not suffi- cient excuse, recollect that I have already warned you of the failings of an " Absent Man;" and if you expect a well-arranged, methodical disposi- tion of the six and twenty letters that compose my narrative, you will most indubitably be disappointed. I shall forbear from explaining the how, the where, the when; nor shall 1 enter upon an enumeration of the sighs, glances, and little rogueries, that led to my surrender. The death-blow of the fatal archer is to be found from Milton dowuM^ards, and even Tom Thumb drinks the deli-- cious poison of his Dollalolla's eye. 21 Suffice it therefore to say, that Nora Cavannah robbed me of my heart, and that I gloried in the surreptitious loss of it! A short laspe of time, and the op- portunities I embraced of studying her disposition, soon enabled me to discover in Nora Cavannah a decid- edly romantic turn of mind, which I slightly noticed upon her arrival at Athlone; and this propensity increas- ing with every recurrence to theories as wild as illusory, and strengthened by an indulgence in the authors of vi- sionary scenes, became at length so imperative, that she yielded implicit obedience to the inclination she had cherished, and paid that homage to the usurper, Fancy, which belonged aright to the legitimate empire of Rea- son. An ivy-mantled tower overpeering a craggy amphitheatre of granite; a pale declining moon, half-clouded, 22 half-revealed ; the impetuous roar of the rapid cataract beneath, edged with a sparkling silvery foam, impelled to it's own destruction; thetime-bleached withered trunk of a barren oak, once the monarch of the woods, now the solitary cavern of the frantic Musi- dora; the pleasing melancholy wail of that lone bird, which gives it's sorrows to the listening breeze, and ushers in the reign of night, her fairer season; the poisoned dagger ; the relentless sire; the fearful apparition of a de- voted saint, checking the death-deter- mined measure of despair! with the whole phalanx of romantic imagery, alone captivated her, and were alone pursued. The force of example, aided b}" the fascination of the lovely para- gon by whom it was offered, effec- tually exerted it's influence over an " Absent Man!" and by degrees I be- came as romantic as the fair model before me, in whom perfection ap- peared to be centred, and whose beauty enslaved my ideas ! If she had any de- fects, I was blind totliem as Love; her voice was enchantment, and her ab- sence became insupportable. Often would I listen to the melodious whis- per of her attachment, and often would I assure myself of the probability of my fictitious page, where two fond hearts after a series of adventures spun out into four volumes, are united at the altar, and ''all is well!" till at length I became that " Absent Man" I shall now depict. Charity, when exercised in it's true spirit, is so nearly allied to love, that my dehght at the following narrative will readily be believed. The hut of a neighl)ouring poor fa- mily became the object of a morn- ing's walk, on a fine autumnal day, when the woodland scenery, though intersected by the partial gloom which at the close of the year pervades the 24 atmosphere, shone in all the richness and warmth that raise Claude ahove his competitors in mellowness of tint and glow of tone. With this superiority Nature was before us iu a landscape of her own dye ! The con- struction of the mud edifices of the children of St. Patrick is so devoid of all the hacknied rules of architectural embellishment, and so dissimilar to the cottages of our English peasantry, that I shall insert a description of the one we visited. Close on the road side we approached a small low dweUing, made entirely of the soil which had been dug up for it's formation; and the vacancy, not having been otherwise supplied, was filled by a stagnant pool in the front of the house, through which it be- came necessary to pass to gain an entrance. The door to this humble abode most successfully answered also the use that is commonly with us 25 assigned to the chimney ; and, it's good offices not yet accomplished, actually precluded the necessity of a window, by admitting the rays otlighttoplay be- tween the lintel and threshold: so that, "whether open or closed, it acted in a triple capacity, and unlike the ponder- ous valves of the miser's castle, never creaked at the voice of want. One common apartment answered all tlie diurnal economy, \\ hether at the time of culinary occupation, or otherwise; nor \vas it deserted at the close of the day, and the favourite pig, who shared also the potato repast, reposed in the ** parlour, kitchen, and hall," with the rest of the family. The early Chanti- cleer roosted with his mates in the sooty thatch, and awoke them at the dawn of morn. I remember at this period to have been highly entertained with an ac- count an English soldier was giving his comrades of the accommodation c 26 of his billet, and which I happened to overhear. His mirth and ridicule upon telling them, that when he arose he discovered an old sow chained to the bed-post, and that the Sergeant could not gain admittance, to pay for his night's lodging, until he had disturbed a brindled cow, who, he said, was on guard all night, were so indicative of the superiority he felt in his own bar- rack over these fortuitous quarters, that I shall never forget the satirical expression of his countenance. Thus, with every appearance of outward wretclicdness, how surpris- ing it was to behold the ruddy counte- nances, and robust forms, of the rude race that came out to meet us, in scarcely any other covering than what a large gray cloak, hiding a few tat- tered rags, supplied. The mother of six infants, with a face indicating health and contentment, and a form well calculated to bear the burden 27 and heat of the day, seemed peifecLly unconscious of her hard lot, and with an expression that conveyed the sense of her gratitude, more than an acknow- ledgment of her wants, cheerfully blessed Noia for the treasures &he dis- tributed among the hale and hearty generation around her. Yv^e were now three Irish miles from our domain, and I observed, that the gloom in which we began our expedi- tion thickened around us. The Sun retired from our sight, and a raj)id suc- cession of red and angry clouds ob- scured the horizon, portending an ap- proaching storm! Nora grew pale! the vivid lightning flashed by her! the blackening clouds increased ! a sudden and terrific crash accompanied the fall of a venerable elm, that had Mithstood the shock of a thousand tempests, and under it's umbrageous circumference protected the peasant's hut from the scorching rays of many a summer'ssun. c 2 28 My apprehension for Nora Cavan- nah was dreadful ! I fancied her the victim of the storm ! torn from my arms by the ruthless blast, and expiring at my feet ! The concussion of the earth opened to her a ready grave ! I sav/ her ingulfed ! fell to the ground ! and kissed the cold clod that had deprived me of my love! my solace! my Ah! gentle Reader! I see the sym- pathizing tear coursing down thy hu- mid cheek ; let it not crystallize ! but absorb the sentimental moisture with the mouchoir of consolation. It is true that Nora fainted ; but it is also true, that a few opportune drops ^' from the green mantle of the stag- nant pool," recovered her again. The rao-ino' horror subsided, and a convenient potato car passing by the hovel, I placed my restored mistress on the propitious vehicle; taking the veins from honest Teague, who, hav- ing experienced some trouble with his 29 Rosinante during the late tumult, rea- dily complied with my request. We had proceeded smoothly for the iirst two miles, when my ill-starred absence led to the catastrophe that fol- lows : It suddenly occurred to me that I had no ten pennies wherewith to re- munerate my hero of the esculent root, and laying the reins of his steed by my side, took a note from my pocket- book for that purpose. The quad- ruped had now an undivided com- mand, and I verily believe he would not have abused his authority, but for an instantaneous return of the elemen-^ tal shock ! This unforeseen calamity urged him on at the utmost speed, and before I could impart to my unnerved sinews any muscular force. Crop gained the ascendancy, and kept it. Fancy us now at a full Gretna 30 pace, and in jeopardy for our very lives. Cavannah, who had been in a state of agitation during the pitiless storm, had resolved to follow our footsteps ; and the good man came out to meet his only daughter — not thankfully re- turning in safety to her father's shel- ter; not smiling peace, joy, and love; but wrapped in the coarse mantle of her pensioner, exposed on a rough potato-car, and borne along by the headstrong obstinacy of an infuriate brute. Anxious to give him an opportunity of caressing his preserved fondling, I hastily jumped from the car; forget- ing in my confusion, that as the horse still proceeded with the utm.ost rapi- dity, it would be quite impossible for Cavannah to take my place by his daughter's side. The spot where I alighted was over- 31 shadowed by impending boughs of thick holly, which deprived me of my hat, and fringed my cravat in dishe- velled shreds. Thus circumstanced I met the dis- tracted parent of my Nora. He eja- culated, " Robber, where is my child?" I confusedly replied, " The storm ! the storm!" '^ Ha! is she then gone for ever!" said Cavannah. '* Yes," said T, " with a potato merchant. B arbarous horse to bear my love away!" Just now, Cavannah taking out his snuff-box, I threw a full pinch of the real Lundyfoot into my right eye, meaning no doubt to have gratified another sense. All explanation became inconve- nient, and some moments were lost in utter dismay on both sides. At length I convinced my dejected friend, that our hope might be yet alive; but that the only way to ascer- tain the fact was to repair with all 32 liaste to the town whither the car had proceeded; and having hung my hat on it's proper block, after a short lapse of time,we learnt that the maddened beast very naturally halted upon arriving at his master's hut; and that my angelic Nora had been landed at her father's house, in no worse condition than I had left her. The circumstances of this, and of the following adventures, were the more impressed upon my changeful mind by the jocularity of my friends; to avoid which, it was my custom to note these extravagancies in a small book I kept for the purpose. Their review seldom proved of much advantage in the earlier days of my pilgrimage; though I am now enabled, by aid of the manuscript, to expose my own errors, and laugh at them in my turn. My ideas were scarcely recovered from the shock of our potato ren- contre, when an invitation to dine S3 at Crazy Castle, the ancient domain of the O'Carols, arrived, and was accepted. From the account I had heard of the hospitahty of this rcspectahle fa- mily, I anticipated " a pleasant day ;'* and any other than *' An Ab.-ent i\Ian," who had passed the morning in foN lowing Montmorenci through his ad- venturous progress, would have en- joyed it. The O'CarolS' are a numerous and thriving generation, deriving their de- scent from the earliest rulers of the Hibernian soil, and quartering with the Bulls; a race celebrated for their indigenous attachment time out of mind. The approach to Crazy Castle was cut through a dense avenue of ches- nuts and limes, the safe retreat of the cawing tribe that inhabited it; and opening on a hirge quadrangular edi- fice, Vrith battlements and breastworks,. c 5 in the style of an ancient fortification. The building had been lately repaired by the worthy Mr. O'Carol coming into possession of the estate, and no expense was spared in it's decora- tion. Had the domain been situate in a less disturbed part of the country, I should have considered the works in a more pleasing light ; but when I was given to understand, that the proprie- tor could never risk an exposure of his person beyond the boundary of his park-paling unarmed or unat- tended ; and even thus defended, thought it necessary to the preserva- tion of his life, to embattle himself be- fore the reign of twilight, I confess that I felt not the least inclination to *' covet my neighbour's goods ;" though I could not but admire that indifference to personal security, which led him to improve the land of his fathers ; and conduced to the ex- pendlture of his riches where the cir- culation of money was attended hy such beneficial results. A lono; line of ancestry, identified by explanatory scrolls, and guarded by frames, perforated with the net- work of many ages, hung around the lofty Gothic hall, to which we entered under a massive porch bearing the fa- mily arms and insignia. The fatal scene at the bridge of "Wexford, together with several por- traits of distinguished Irish patriots, who had aided in checkino; the rebel- lion, occupied the walls of the anti- room ; where I observed that the shamrock had been introduced in the antique oaken furniture, and was carved in relievo upon the cornices and architraves around the apartment. Patrick O'Carol, esq., his lady, and two daughters, received us with un- affected cordiality, introducing ns to their several guests, and completely. 36 dissipating b}^ their easy manners that irksome awkwardness so observable in my own country circles during the half hour previous to dinner. Mr. O'Carol apologized to nie for the absence of his sons, who he said were employed, as he himself had been in his earlier days, in the ser- vice of their country; and paid me that attention so peculiarly pleasing, because it is of one soil alone. Urbanity here gained the ascen- dancy over a cold unmeaning polite- ness ; and I pictured to myself, ever, in imitation of Nora, on the wing of ro- mance, that cordial feast, the pride of former days, when even an enemy was v/elcomed at the board ; and the was- sail shout gave to the roof of Gothic tracery an echo of the joy below. But, alas ! an accident soon baffled my illusive dreams of happiness. The saloon was adorned with all *' the rich and rare" of modern taste; 37 cind as I was examining a curious fo* reign clock, that stood on the chim- ney-piece of Sienna marble, Miss O'Carol requested me to reach a vase of pomegranates by it's side. I had grasped it immediately, but delayed presenting the flowers one minute, as Cupid had just led on old Time to strike the hour. This minute was my ruin ! I eagerly examined the mecha- nism, and forgetting that I held the vase in my hand, witnessed the blow, and suddenly extending my arm with all the emphasis of " how exquisite !"' a bust of king William mouldered in the ashes ; and the fatal overthrow of a Parian Venus holding seven lights, completed the misery of ah '* Absent Man ;^' which the philosophical pa- tience of Mrs. O'Carol could in no deo'ree abate. o 1 saw that the downfall of king William, of glorious and immortal me- 38 mory, which had ever been held in the highest veneration by him, caused my worthy host a violent pang. The fall of a Venus was a matter of no moment in comparison with it. But the indignity offered to the semblance of the great and good king William, '' who left him the house of Hanover as a legacy," was a lapse he could not as yet reco- ver. He, however, merely said, that the bust was considered a fine like- ness, and hoped he might be able to replace it before his death, that he mio:htnot leave the Castle unguarded. Mrs. OCaroi's fortitude was extra- ordinary. Many ladies of my ac- quaintance would have uttered a much sharper philippic on the destruction of a Wedgwood ewer. She had learnt, she said, to consi- der such casualties as mere trifles, ever since the fraction of an ancient gob- let, the preservation of which, upon a. 39 trial of it's vii'tues, liacl been held by a superstitious great grandmother as in- dicative of her ow^n salvation, as it's dismemberment would have been omi- nous of evilc Now that the fragile hope was bro- ken, ]\Irs. O'Carol smiled at grief, be- holding the scattered limbs of the queen of beauty with the most amia- ble unconcern. Could I have imparted to the inci- nerated king, that quality the phoenix is supposed to possess, I should have attended the suuimons to the banquet- ing-room with more composure ; but Avith an appetite for nothing so much as oblivion, I speedily heard the din- ner announced. It certainly diverted my ideas, not arranged them. The first course, however, went off with- out a fault ; but after the anatomical division of the legs of a partridge, an old bird, I was attending to theconver- . sation^ which just then turned upon 40 the value of an ancient plate, when' I covered the game with a delicious- Gustard, which I had inadvertently mistaken for hread sauce ! Miss O'Carol was now distributing a rich trifle to her admirino; cruests, and offered me a share, at the same moment that her hospitable father pledged me in a l)unip€r of Canary ! I turned the sparkling juice into the por- ous vessel from which I had fill< d it; and unconsciously endeavoured to re- gale myself upon the trifle through the medium of a two-pronged fork. So quick a succession of calamities created a stifled titter among the la- dies, and Nora Cavannah, who, sitting opposite to me, was doubtless the in- nocent cause of all my woe, perfected my confusion by joining in the laugh. I thrice wished myself on a level with the formless king William, or that a sudden convulsion of nature might incarcerate my trembling ph}> 41 siognoniy, although nothing could ex- eeed the good manners of the head of the O'Carol family; till I rashly quitted my seat, for the purpose of picking up a fan dropped by the lady of the house. Judge, gentle Reader ! of my asto- nishment, when you hear that I brought the whole paraphernalia of the table to the ground, having fas- tened the cloth to my button-hole, for the preservation of a treacherous white waistcoat! This disorder of studied forms acted with electrical effect upon the whole company; what to me was a shock, with them ran off in laughter, and the authority of O'Carol himself became ineffectual in the restoration of har- mony. Time alone could produce it; and the arrangement of the dessert contributed in effecting this desirable event. Where a person particularly wishes 42 to shine in his manners and deport- ment, it generally happens that he is mortified in his attempt; and from an over-anxiety to display his accom- plishments, he not unfrequently falls into the opposite extreme. This was precisely my case. I felt ambitious of being thought a suitor of Nora Cavannah ; and doubly so, of discovering to her friends such a knowledge of society, and observance of it's rules, as might lead them to view in me the participator of their friendship, and the partner of their Nora's happiness ! I now resolved to prevent a recur- rence of disasters, by refraining from any enjoyment of the luxuries before me. This intermission of hostilities pro- duced an abstracted train of thought, which disembodied itself in the fol- lowing sentence : " Suppose," said I to ]\Irs. O'Carol, 43 " that the disk of the Sun should spread it's corruscations on the inflam- mable parts of aerial bodies, what quantity of solar heat would it re- quire, to peel the mastich from the ribs of a balloon in a nubilous region 12 degrees below the freezing-point?" The solution of this interrogatory- might probably have been attended with some little difficulty; but Mrs. O'Carol, instead of attempting it, re- tired with the ladies into the saloon; and I preserved a profound silence, drinking only one bumper to the " im- mortal memory," until we joined their party. The dismantled chimney-piece now again renewed the remembrance of my late errors, and the dusty sepulture of the good king awoke in me the most distressing recollections. This was indeed a day of sorrows, where in my Nora's company I had anticipated a feast of joy, and in that 44 of the O'Carols uninterrupted satis- faction ! Coffee being served, of which I dared not to partake, the music books were thrown open, and the fine finger of Nora Cavannah electrified the au- dience with delight ! The dullest sounds of her soul-inspiring voice spread a gratification around, which I alone was unable to express. In mute admiration of her art, I crept enraptured to the piano-forte ; when ]\Iiss O'Carol was requested to accompany Nora in the touching duet of ** Drink to me only with thine eyes." The butler was now handins^ a sal- ver of liqueurs ; and just as I took the rich fluid from the embossed stand,. I caught the dark eye of Cavannah's daughter! who repeating the burden of the song, caused such an implicit obe- dience to her commands, that I deli- berately reddened my cravat with the 45 juice, totally unconscious of liaving any liquid in my glass. The beautiful maid began to play, '' When Absent," and I retired to the solitude of the ^\'indo^v overwhelmed by my misfortunes ! I am not aware of any other enor- mity I committed, till we retired ; v/hen starting from my reverie, I took leave of the O'Carol family, and very coolly thanked them for the honour they had conferred upon me in quit- ing Crazy Castle to visit so unworthy a person. Nora smiled again; and Cavannah during our ride home, asked me se- riously, if I had not some of the blood of the Bulls in my composition? and hinted, that it appeared to be in a di- rect, rather than a collateral line. On the following morning, I felt the necessity of making some apology for my extraordinary want of conduct at Crazy Castle, and wrote this dis- 46 patch, hoping to convince the O'Carol family, tliat accident, not design, had occasioned it. I felt very sensibly the ludicrous recollection, which must ever be cou- pled with a review of my indecorous inattention, and addressed Mrs. O'Carol as much to ensure her favourable men- tion of me to Nora, as to bring about her own reconciliation. ]\Iadam, The events of yesterday, omi- nous in their origin, and flital, I fear, in their eonsequences, have ii aterially indisposed me. A nervous debility has seized on all my limbs, and in your kindnt^ss alone can I expect to find that opiate soindispensable to my exist- ence. Heal. Madam, I in plore you, the wounded feelings of a guilty, yet peniteiiT criminal; and suffer a mise- rable, though patient offender, again to be restored to the sun-shine of 47 your favour, that he ma}^ no longer be considered an " Absent Man." This pathetic appeal would doubt- less have been honoured by an equi- valent sympathy on the part of the forgiving Mrs. O'Caiol ; but I ad- dressed my letter to Phelim O'Bolus, the eminent empiric of a neighbour- ing hamlet! Itprociuced the following prescription from a well-meaning doc- tress, who unquestionably took me for a party in a late duel, fought in the county of Roscommon, on account of a Faire Ladiie ; and I felicitated my. self on a perusal of her cure, that I did not stand in need of her advice. '' Mrs. Judy O'Bolus, in the ab- sence of her nephew Phelim, who is not out of the house, advises the gen- tleman who is mortally wounded, to get up and take the opiate she will 48 send to-morrow, exactly one hour by the clock, after he has fallen into a profound sleep to-night. The patient must bind up his wounds, when they have ceased to bleed, with two ells of the yard of tape, looking at them every twenty minutes to keep the air out ; and be careful to take plenty of food, as nou- rishment will be the death of him. If his honour does not mend, Phe- lim shall come over the day before he writes, to let him know how he is. Mrs. Judy never knew any good of these duels to kill people, for the sake of their lives." The doctor's intended letter was of course directed to Mrs. O'Carol, and ran as follows : Sir, Having heard of your skill in phlebotomy, I shall be obliged by your .4D opening a vclz for mCj at the bouse of the Rev. Arthur Cavannah, to morro\y morning. I have of late been trou- bled with a considerable disorganiza- tion of my perceptive faculties, partly arising from a romance fever, which has leftme in an undeterminable condition, deviating into measures hitherto unat- tempted, and attempting measures that have led to the deviation of, Sir, Your most obliged very humble servant, "An Absent Man." Mis, O 'Carol was not at a loss to unriddle the author of this epistle; but fully ai^reeino* in the observations it contained, as to the pressing necessity for some reformation in the system, wrote a strong remonstrance to Ca- vannah to w^atch my movements, and recommended a metastasis in case of farther 53'mptoms. D XVliaitev^r is related in any shape to fashion, is sure to find an immediate list of votaries; and considering the paucity of amusements in a dull insu- lated town, it was fortunate that no- thing more absurd than an aquatic ex- cursion to Hare Island, a small cover for game on the river Shannon, Avas the fashion at Athlone. Any thing that might lead to the delights of an adventure, an incident, which lought, from my refractory ideas, studiously to have avoided, always gave me the most invigoratingprospects. No sooner was the plan in agitation, than I saw the boat buoyant on the trans - lucid stream, the pure cerulean cloud reflected on it's sleepy surface, and Nora, like a second Cleopatra, chiding the delay of her Antony. Wafted to the expecting shore by Love's ambassadress, fair Hope ! the rich argosy was mine, and the gold of Peru could not have purchased it from me. 51 To be more plain: a convenient ves- sel was hired by Cavannah ; and with a party from the garrison, we em- barked, as fashion prompted, for our sequestered islet. The banks of the Shannon preserved that unvaried monotony, of which 1 have before complained, in the face of the country. But the object I had in view presented to my enraptured ima- gination a prospect, that no climate could enhance. Nora was by my side ! and the hours of our voyage were as moments in my calendar of time. We now discovered the island, and the river expanding itself into the form of an irreg-ular bay. We cauo-ht a fresher breeze, which rapidly carried our sail into the rocky harbour, that jutted out from the rude brushwood, which fringed the border of the w^ater. Our party were- safely conducted D 2 52 over some large rolling stones to tiiG terrace on the shore, by the attention of the active boatmen, who had their full share of the national politeness to the fair sex: and we proceeded to ex- plore the thickets and coppices that surrounded us. A narrow serpentine path led to a rustic bench, where some fond swain had revealed his secret sorrows in the following pensive strains; an humble imitation of a celebrated Irish melody, iind coming, I presume, from an iti- nerant artist, who, as a man of ge- i:ius, was necessarily addicted to snufll *' "^Vhcn in death I shall close my eyes, O bear this box to Kitty Macquire ; Toll her there's reason for little surprise, Tor die we must, who are lingering here. Bid her not take one pinch of rappee. To sully a visage so white, and so red, But keep the relic in honour of me : T'O catch her salt tears at going to bed. 53 Wh«:a the light of my Ian us cape' = o'er, O bear xi>y easel, and hang it high y FJac-e the paintings behind the door. That shadow may cheat the critic eye. Then if some Claude to save his br.ccn. Revive c^ he piisses their softness of to^e, O let one sketch of the master awaken Kis warmest smile for the painter gor.e. Take this keg that's with whiskey flowiiir. And quaff the nectar when I'm inurn"d , Never ! O never ! a drop bestowing. On lips with fever that seldom burn'd. But if some warm expiring lover To her, who rejects him, shall bumpers raise. Around the goblet my spirit shall hover. And hallow the punch in his Shelah's prsrise.'* Our attention was now directed to an ornamental cottage, whichj stand- ing on the summit of tlie island, com manded an extensive view, beyond tlie foreground plantations, over the azure tide that environed us. A rustic piazza of irregular trunks of 54 trees, the remaining branches of which supported the intertwining tendrils of the clematis and Irish-joy, encircled the dwelling; and a nicely fabricated thatch of reeds, which formed it's roof, was carried over the colonnade, to de- fend it from the penetrating rays of the sun. The casement windov/s were adorn- ed with some curious specimens of finely coloured glass of rare antiquity ; and I was pleased to find, that their original simple form had been pre- ferred to a barbarous introduction of that spurious gothic, which destroys the idea of a cottage, and so univer- sally disfigures the modern elevation of a rural abode. As this picturesque building was the occasional resort of the family to whom the island belonged, several j-ooms were furnished with great taste for their accommodation. A convex glass was placed in the 55 vestibule, and reduced the opposite scenery into tlie most agreeable di- mensions, giving back the foliage and sky with the beautiful modulations of a miniature painting. Several well executed drawings of the Bay of Dublin, and a romantic delineation of the Lakes of Killarnev, taken at the fall of the leaf, were, with a small library, the chief decora- tions of the interior, where a neat ele- gance seemed very probably to be the principal object. As Nora was amusing herself with a playful kitten, whose gambols were uncontrolled by the authority of any other inhabitant, the rest of the party loitered in that happy ease, which bcr spoke their pleasure in the scene around them : excepting Cavannah, who had estranged himself from the reigning inactivity with a religious disquisition he had taken from the li- brary table into the seclusion of a 56 rural seat, made of extended roots, and overshadowed by a thick bower of odoriferous v/oodbine. The situation of the different groups was altogether unexceptionable; if, however, there v/as " any craving void left aching in the breast," it arose from the circumstance of our havino: for- gotten to bring two ample hampers of provision, which we had with all due care prepared for our entertainment. This omission, gentle Reader! you may conclude, was the fault of an '' Absent Man;" but the ideal agita- tion of placing Nora's agile form so as to trim the boat in due ecjuilibrium, naturally enough occupied my entire thoughts; and the charge of the port- able larder should not have been con- fided to one, whose appetite was ro- mance, and who, with perfect satisfac- tion, partook of the camcleon's dish ! There were some of our party, who, requiring u more substantial aliment, requested me to be their caterer, in recompense for the loss I had occa- sioned them. Robinson Crusoe's Island Mas as fruitful of hope, as our present station ! Hips and blackberries were poor sub- stitutes for collared eel and pigeon pie! and the crystal stream, a meagre sue- cedaneum for the Falernian juice I had left behind me ! In this dilemma, I wandered into aa opposite direction from the one pur- sued upon our arrival, till, as the song says, " I knew by the smoke, that so gracefully curl' d' Above the green elms, that a cottage was near." This cheering vapour was emitted from a crackling faggot, over which an nidustrious housewife had suspended an immense caldron of Paddy's best food, potatoes I I prepared my honest dame for the reception of her unexpected guests, and without considering, whether I D 5 58 had not been accosting a Weird Sis- ter, who had some dreadful incanta- tion in embryo, I flew, like Colum- bus, to proclaim the discovery of my nnknown people, and speedily con- ducted the party to the mealy delights of their indigenous feast. A clean oaken board groaned be- neath the pile of smoaking roots, and four wooden platters, the stock of the buffet, with a small paper of salt, were laid out in due regularity. The good hostess of our caravan- sary became satisfied, that " great folk" can upon occasion devour po- tatoes; and the knot of the oak was soon again discoverable on the cleared table. She most obligingly offered us a drink of butter-milk, in lieu of the Falernian, which now most pro- vokingly lay wrapped in cooling cu- cumber leaves; but we deferred allay- ing our thirst nntil a more congenial beverage might be at our command ; 59 and requiting the poor islander for her exertions, found ourselves in a short tinit^, by a circuitous pathway, that skirted the woods, in possession of our first resting place. Cavannah, whose dogmatical re- search iiad till now fastened him to the honeysuckle bower, appeared in pensive mood slowly tracking the mazes that led to the painter's tem- ple; when Nora, like the nimble roe, bounded to her fond father, and urged him to accelerate his footsteps, as her friends were apprehensive, that the brilliance of the day was about to be commuted into that appearance, which Mr. ^loore emphatically describes by ** flying showers now about," and wished to take water with all expedi- tion. Her persuasive eloquence would like the musician of old, have moved mountains, and Cavannah joined us 60 wFth a velocity, of wlncTi I liad not thought him capable. We repaired with ** more zvet'' on our almanac, and " much rain '* on our barometer, to the attendant boatmen, who feelingly rued the abandonment of the two hampers, and agreed witli lis, that our glass was at best at ** changeable." AVoman! the solace of our lives! the sine qua non of our happiness! the instructress of our infancy ! the joy of our prime! the support of our age ! " When pain and angvilsh wilng the brow, A ministerhiij angel thou !" But what art thou in a party of pleasure on the water in bad weather? Very much in the way. A sudden squall had, upon our quitting terra firma, most unpropi- tiously sprang up, and given a con- 61 siderablc motation to the agitated stream. The ladies were immediately con- vinced, lint the boat must be sacri- ficed to the gust of wind, which cer- tainly hufflcd a little in (}ur sail. Cavannah, who was our steersman, gave all his rhetoric to the storm; for when ladies have once n"!ade up their minds, it becomes no easy matter to reverse the impression, and a general hopelessless was the order of the day, ThciEoIian murmurs increased; wave succeeded wave; and the hollow omin- ous boding of a flight of rooks, who DOW passed over our struggling bark, added to the gloominess of the scene. Dangerous as would have been the experiment, I believe- that the af- frighted females would have preferred an aerostatic passage to Athlone, to the perils of the water, if it could have been obtained ; but patience, a better confidence ia Cavannah's nautical 62 skill, and a steady adherence to tlie seat of the boat, were all the consola- tions that offered. The squall continued; the elemen- tal moisture descended as from a water spout, and the eddying watercourses tossed the boat from shore to shore ! Nora, who behaved with the utmost intrepidity, at this critical moment espied anook, into which it was deemed possible that we might, by great exer- tion, direct our ci oidered bark. Seeing how materially this measure wonld promote her comfort, ever my first ambition! I hastily essayed to spring by one bold vault into a lap of sedges, that vegetated on a neigh- bouring bank ; but I failed in my at- tempt! and had the mortification to find myself prostrate on the bed of the river ! By losing my balance, the boat lost also it's equipoise. It upset in the squall! and the whole cargo, following the pernicious exar/iple of 63 ail " Absent Man," pressed the rushy couch of the River God! The aquatic exercises of a public bath, with all their variety of charac- ter, mnst fall f^ir short of the exhibi- tion I am now describing. With countenances, partly pourtray- ing the alarm of tlieir situation, and partly contracted by risibility; now concealed under the water by the in- security of their footing, a moveable sand, now diverging from it's surface towards the shore, which they could not make; their dresses, sometimes the sport of the capricious breeze, and again immersed in the opposite ele- ments — the deplorable confusion of these unwilling naiads is beyond ima- gination. Hogarth's pencil might have compassed the subject, my pen cannot attempt it. Cavannah, alone, maintained the dig- nity of his deportment, and by a happy 64 presence of mind, which was indeed the only ingredient wanting for the re- lease of tlie soaking crew, taught the projecting branch of a weeping \\ illovv, which, bending to the stream, paid that homage we were not Hkt^Iy to imitate, and raised' himself oil the shore. Nora was his first object; he suc- ceeded by the intervention of a third party, sent doubtless by Oceana, in the shape of a peasant boy, with a long potato hook, in rescuing his only daughter; and the progressive land- ing of the party followed, through the same means. Upon recovering our bewildered senses, we discovered our self-directed boat encountering the centre arch of the bridge, that connects the garrison cf Athlone with the town, and lead*; into the county of Roscommon. The rain still descended, and the it^^otley groiip, with no one article of 65 apparel in it's original sliape or posi- tion, and headed by the grave Cavan- imh, the parson of the parish, entered the main street, amid the astonishment of some, the laughter of others, and the inconceivable feelings of our own assembly. The morning launch was fashion- able in the extreme; the evening return, dinnerless and wet, not so much so. A shipwrecked mariner left naked on the inflexible rock, and skreened by the bounteous magazine of charita- ble donation from the ruin that threatened his existence, had not a more reasonable cause of exultation int the deliverance of his emaciated per- son, than we were now affected by, on undergoing the several changes of rai-, mentand abluti on ; which, at length, pro- duced, as it were, a complete resuscita- tion of animal spirits* and caused, in its 66 happy transmutation, only a smile for the danger in which we had engaged. The unpacking of the two hampers was, as a chastisement for former wan- derings, entrusted to my superintend- ence, and the merriment occasioned by the extrication of a beautiful white cat, theenvied pet of NoraCavannah, from the osier bonds that had confined her delicate figure, so unaccustomed to re- striction, contributed to the festivity of the evening; which was enhanced upon discovering, that the captive epi- cure had made a material inroad into the cold pigeon pie, and fractured two bottles of madeira, in her inetfectual struggle for liberty. It aj^pears that in the hurry of pre- paration 1 had placed a part of the provision in a hamper, which had been chosen by this paragon of the feline race for a morning's nap ! '^ Homer himself hath been observed ta nod." 67 As I generally ** looked one way and moved another/' the stifled mew, which I remembered to have heard, proceeding as I thought from a nest of purblind kittens in a neighbouring dormitory, had no effect upon me, and the poor pet puss waited for the sha- dows of evening, before a gaol deli- very could be managed, and her eman- cipation brought about ! I had about this period passed three years under the delightful shelter of Cavannah's roof, and my regard for him was cemented, not exclusively by the ardent desire I entertained of be- ing numbered in his family-register, but generally by the many amiable qualities that shone around his univer- sal deportment. He was not of that race of beings who are merely *' Fruges consumere nati;" but a man, who, feeling the frailty of his existence, determiued to pass it in 68 deeds of unreserved benevolence; and, acting up to the exalted resolution^ daring a life devoted to the exercises of charity, that could not be impeach- ed, enjoyed the winter of his days, without reproach for tlie conduct of bis earlier seasons ; and combated tlie convulsions that agitated his native land, in the genuine spirit of christian forgiveness, beloving and beloved. The affluent who needed his advice, and the inchgent who craved his bounty, were alike regarded and re^ spected ; and the time never came, when the one was dismissed without attention, or the other without relief. Above want himself, he distributed the superfluity of his income among the miserable objects that drew their support from the channel of his libera- lity ; and all he would have prescribed for otiiers was a conformity to the principles of forbearance it was his duty to inculcate, and his practice to 69 tiiiiJiifest. And had the axiom been attended to by those who were capa- ble of appreciating the beneficial re- suits of a doctrine so just and wise, though they neglected it's fulfilment, a far different order of thinsrs would ha\e superseded that anarchy, which a dereliction of his tenets engendered and produced. He preserved tlie satisfaction of hav- ing opened the straiglu patli of recti- tude to their view, wliiie he lamented that the accessaries of rebellion had neither courage nor inclination to pur- sue it. Cavannah united to these excellent qualifications, an immutable adher- ence to whatever he conceived to be a fair construction of matters that en- gaged his interest. J. This tenacious opinion might by feorae be called obstinacy; I shall only allow it to have been resolution. And . tis the motives tliat elicited this pecu- 70 liar trait of liis character were, like those I have aheady mentioned, un- questionable, he may without exagger- ation be designated as the " Justum ct tenacem propositi virum," whoni Horace recommends to our notice. Impressed with a conviction of the danger to which I was exposing myself in risking his disregard, I perceived with the most hvely concern, that the late failings I had been guilty of would be far from favourable to the insertion of my name in the Cavannah genealogy : and the surmise of my deterioration in the esteem of my wor- thy tutor was speedily succeeded by the most unequivocal expression of a *' farewell to all my greatness !" A few nights subsequent to our last adventure, Nora having retired to en- joy a repose, which I was about, as I then thought, to lose for ever ! the venerable pastor, drawing a chair more closely to the expiring embers of a n peat fire, and laying aside a pipe, with which he had indulged himself, can- didly told nie, that he observed my attentions to his daughter with much distress. ** Valuing," said he, "your Uncle's friendship, as tliat of a bro- ther ; and painful as is the task, my duty enjoins me to declare, that from what I have been able to collect of your turn of mind, during your resi- dence in my family, it bears no bias whereupon I could ever think of fix- ing my Nora's happiness." I gazed upon him in wild wretched- ness ! A half suppressed convulsive sigh had nearly been the last effort of paralysed nature! He proceeded in the recapitulation of the several offences, that at length drew down his soul-rending sentence! Reverting to the exposure of his darl- ing's life on league's potato car! the terrible desolation I made at Crazy Castle! and particularly the fall of -n king William 1 the catastrophe on the river Shannon! and the consequent ridicule of his parishioners, which he had never before incurred! he then alluded to the advice contained in Mrs. O'CaioFs letter; hinting that the caution was unnecessary on her part, as he had fully made up his mind (here a rapid flow of tears hid Cavannah from my sight) to advise me to give up all thoughts of sharing Nora's heart ; and that if I could not otherwise accomplish this resolution, (the tears still fell) I must prepare myself, however sorry he might he to wound my feelings, from ihe high re- spect he bore my uncle, to leave Atli- lone, and Nora for ever ! Cavannah sought, at the conclusion of his dreadful judgment, the bahuy sleep, of which he had completely de- prived me. I reclined, entranced as it were, but not refreshed, in the sr.r^e position in 73 \vhich he had left rne, till the busy hum of morning drove me from my interre2:num of reason! My tutelar friend had certainly se- rious calls upon the exercise of the resolution he professed. His daughter was a jewel, in his esti- mation invaluable. He discovered my affection for her, and feared that re- ciprocal sentiment might lead to a union injurious to the peace of his only child. Alas I how unsubstantial are our hopes! and how faint a breath ii> sufficient to extinguish these airy nothings, when the balance of pater- nal power has only to counterpoise it the ineffectual weight of youthful inclination 1 An uncommunicative, half-retiring manner, succeeded to Cavannah's for- mer frankness. I no longer behefd in him the open, ingenuous conduct, that heretofore encouraged the progress of my ambition; and the melanchaly of a £ 74 *^ Stygian cave forlorn" concealed the bright arch I had raised on a Heaven of felicity in all the vivid hues of a celestial rainbow ! At the blush of day, on halcyon wing, man cuts the ambient air! the imagery of his mind, pure and un- clou'ded as the blue expanse, through which he flies to hope's fair throne! unceasing echoes blazon forth his joy, and endless visions appear to crown him with success ! The night comes on ! despair attends! dark threatening horrors crowd upon the scene ! The illusion fails! and hope, unable to support the shock, fades in the gathering storm, and disappoint- ment reigns ! Several long days of more than ap- prehension, variegated by no mate- rial change for the better, thus glided into eternity ; when the postman, to him indifterent whether grief or joy, brought the following epistle, which, f 75 giving another pretext for reiuovir.g me from his haI)itation, my tutor was rejoieed to embrace it. How fortunate for Cavamiah! liow f^ital, alas ! to an " Absent Man 1" The letter ran thus : Singlestick Hall, Wilts. " My dear Sir, As young men are seldom in- clined to attend to their best interests, when the recommendation comes di- rectly from those, whose influence is apt to be misnamed authority, where affection alone is intended; I shall through you make known my wishes, that my nephew may immediately re- pair to Dublin, for the purpose of be- ing introduced to the family of the Neverspars, my dear, and inesti- mable friends. I desio'ii their dauo-h- ter Fatima for my Nephew's wife: his consolation in all the ills of morta- lity, and his escape from the many e2 76 evils that now infest me, an old ba- chelor ! You will give him to understand, that as he values my present or fu- ture favour, so will he receive or re- ject my commands. The expenses of his suitable appear- ance I shall be happy in remitting, and happier far in his ready acquies- cence in a match, where wealth and happiness will be inseparably united! My friend Neverspar approves of my plan, and promises his support. Yours, till death, Frank Singlestick." This was my death-warrant! Ca- vannah, eager for my dismissal, but disinclined to urge it. from the regard he entertained for my uncle Single- stick, now gladly communicated the terms upon which I was invited to sur- render. Far, far different were my feelings. 77 To lose the society of Nora in any case; but more especially under tlie idea of offering my hand to another ! Monstrous thought! it thrilled me with despair! and I felt that a separa- tion, if not fatal to her, would with me be an insurmountable barrier to happiness. Impressed with the gloominess of my prospects, I spent a miserable day. Nora kept her apartment. Cavannah was engaged in chari- table occupations ; and early in tlie evening I sought the privacy of my own room; and by that suspension of thought which accompanies the piU low of wretchedness, caught a vi^ sionary glance at happier days ! I dreamt, that, as I lay musing on the book of my destiny, a damsel clad in a robe of celestial blue, and crowned with an amaranthine chaplet, her air graceful and affecting^ gently beck- 78 oned me to follow her footsteps. The partition of my sohtary chamber fell at her approach to it : a magnificent saloon opened on my astonished viev/, and the air breathed the most delicate perfumes ! Melodious music sounded through the vaulted roof, while echo iilled up tlie intervals with the name of Nora! A fleecy cloud descended from the fretted dome, and at each ex- pansive evolution disclosed a rosy Cupid hovering around the car of Hymen; while a banquet of thechoicest fruit rose from the golden floor! My ecstasy was heightened upon dis- covering on a pedestal of alabaster the lovely form of Cavannah's daughter, encircled in a veil of gossamer! Hy- men, takinga goblet fdled with nectar in one hand, and me in the other, glided through the rich arcade to the foot of the statue; when, as he raised the sparkling offering to her lips, a sudden tiuiuilt filled the lofty hall! A v.itliered 79 hand embraced the cup; and the costly pageant of felicity vanished be- fore the din of contending daemons ! I endeavoured to evade the blow, and looking towards the space, through which the vision disappeared, I saw this scroll just faintly glimmering on the silvered edge of the departing cloud — " Nora shall still be thine! Obey and conquer!" The barking of a large house dog at this instant awoke me, and I ut- tered aloud, " Nora shall still be mine Now, gentle Reader! allow me to take it for granted, that you sometimes dream of the subject that has most occupied your thoughts during the day. 1 M'ill not suppose, that the ephemera occupies your attention be- vond the moment of waking- ; thoue"h I remember to have heard of a lady, who, dreaming that a certain number would doubtless gain the first prize 80 in an approaching lottery, liad no far- ther rest, until the cahalistical figures were purchased for her. Whether or no the vision was rea- lized by the lucky revolution of the wheel of fortune, my memory will not allow me to inform you : it will be sufficient for my purpose to confess, that the emblematical happiness of my fancy possessed me entirely; though I must still hope, that you will allow nie, in assenting to a departure from Norah Cavannah, to have been ac- tuated rather bv a strono; sense of duty, than persuaded by the idle ope- rations of a dream. I saw that I was defeated, and thought it more ad- visable, by an honourable retreat, to abandon for the present the advantage I had already gained, than, by keeping my ground, to hazard the utter dis- comfiture of my hopes ! I felt that I laboured under the temporary displeasure of Cavannah; 81 and I was convinced, tliat my absence from Nora could in no degree abate the ardour of her attachment, while it might heal the breach my continued indiscretion would only tend to widen. It was impossible for me to over- come my absence of thought; and, in resolving to part from Nora, I indulged no reason for despairing to see her again. I saw the necessity of acting upon this better determination immediately, as circumstances might induce me to waver; and I prepared to quit Cavan- nah's roof with all possible expedi- tion. I am convinced, that my Reader would be too much affected by a nar- rative of my parting scene with his distracted daughter! In pity, therefore, to those, who have experienced a convulsion of frame, occasioned by that one sad word " farewell;" and in the assur- E 5 82 ance, that they who have not, could do my memoir no degree of justice'; I shall briefly inform my inquiring friends, that I started on the morning- subsequent to the arrival of my Uncle Singlestick's letter, with a heavy heart, for tlie Irish capital, plighting my vows of everlasting love to Nora Cavannah, and tendering my grate- ful acknowledgment of her father's protection and friendship. An Absent j\iau could hardly, in these untoward circumstances, exj)ect to escape errors; and I found myself on my journey to Dublin, with a vo- lume of Paradise Lost in one pocket, and in the other a snuff-box, orna- mented with a medallion of the part- ing of Hector and Andromache; both the property of m}^ worthy host! *' The morning lower'd. And heavily in clouds brought on the day." This despondency of nature was ag- 83 gravatecl by a calamity, that befell the Galway Mail, my chosen vehicular conveyance to Dublin. On turning the sharp corner of a narrow street, the coachman, who, by a copious matin hbation was rendered incapable of the charge confided to his care, neglected to take a sweep suf- ficient to clear the point, and the car- riage was precipitated upon the sharp cones of the flinty pavement beneath. The consternation of the passengers and inhabitants rose tx) it's height upon hearing the report of a blunder- buss, which was discharged, though fortunately without mischief, by the percussion of the !)arrei. Those on the outside of the coach were hurled headlong into the deep abyss of a contiguous wine cellar, the tolding floors of which were wide open; and the six. unfortunate travellers, who were wedged within, one upon ano- dicr. were, by units, forcibly pulled 84 through the window, the lateral position of which permitted their liheration. The panic-struck party, hoth in the vault and in the vehicle, were incon- venienced only by some severe bruises, and miraculously escaped instant de- struction. The horses became again manage- able, and their driver, being sobered by his downfall, persisted in resuming the command of his cattle. Although this obstinacy was over- ruled by the rhetoric of a Gal way fisherman, who spoke vehemently and feelingly upon the rights of the peo- ple, none of the miaimed and disturbed inside passengers could be prevailed upon to resume the seats they had willingly enough quitted. The coach, however, being in all other respects in complete order for a second start, I rather approved of their determination, than condemned it; and throwing myself with the most 85 consummate intrepidity into the vacant receptacle, desired, that the associate whip would ensure the circumrotation of the pivot, before he attempted the turning of any angular obstructions he might have occasion to avoid in the course of tbe journey. I drew up tbe glasses, and, tossed on a fluctuating stream of anguish and irresolution, entombed myself from a view of tbe town, v.hich would have implanted a dagger in my breast. In truth, I could have snatched the de- sirable steel with the utmost satisfac- tion, and was just inquiring of myself^ whether it were a crime, *' To bear too tender, or too firm a heart. To act a lover's, or a Roman's part ;" when it occurred to my now a little more arranged ideas, that, as I pos- sessed no convenient weapon of self- destruction, it might be as v/ell to de- 86 fer any farther operations " of a dimly gleaming visionary sword," and con- tent myself with a revival of '' Scenes, where love and bliss immortal reign." The transversed imagery presented a " dark Cimmerian desert" to my fancv, where " broodino; darkness spreading his jealous wings," usurped the smiling sway of music's fasci- nation; and the poor traveller wan- dered after the retreating sound in a Vvilderness of " horrid shapes and shrieks, and sights unholy ;" her voice died upon the gale, and blackest mid- night reigned! As surely as Ireland is emancipated from the engenderment of sibilant and poisonous reptiles, so surely was my bosom corroded by the poignant sting of recollection. Where was Nora? where her enchanting image? where her tcar-suffused countenance? buried 87 ut dissi- milar in it's display. The person of Job's spare rib af- forded a contrast to the plumpness of his arm, as diametrical as any that can he imagined. Mrs. Neverspar exceeded the usual elevation of the tender sex in a stature, metaphorically speaking, transparent. The Sicilians, I am told, have a me- thod of ascertaining a person's age by forcibly drawing up the outer skin on the back of the hand, by aid of the fin- ger and thumb. If the subject be youthful, the cuticle returns to it's original position upon withdrawing the grasp; if otherwise, it preserves a compressed fold, indicative of the au- tumn of life. 99 As, however, I am no friend to the exposition of the fall of the mortal leaf, and could not indeed, in any case, have taken the liberty of using th.is receipt upon the manual delicacy of a lady at present unknown to me, I shall decline any impertinent ob- servations upon age, and proceed to state, that the zone of her waist was of such circumscribed dimensions, that it mio-ht have embraced the robust arm of her conjugal idol without j)ressing the sinews ; and the digres- sion of collar-bone, observable from the tenuity of it's cutaneous tegument, appeared in direct opposition to the fulness of Mr. Neverspar's neck. Her fairy-footed shadowy figure left the blade uninjured by it's impression, and the daisies of the mead bloomed in their original regularity beneath her feet. Her visage was extremely well- modelled, but the retrogression of a slight veil of skin had destroyed it's F '2 100 proportionate parts ; and the acumen of her nasal honours projected as the keen point of a rocky fissure. Would that I had the etching art of my Knight Teinplar in the happy island I But, ahis! a pen-etching is the only view of the family I can furnish! To all this apparent acuteness of form, Mrs. Neverspar united the ut- most good-nature; and the proverb of ^* a sharp elbow, and a scolding wife," was in her confronted and confuted. Like her happy spouse she suffered no casual contingent to imbitter her quiet disposition; and notwithstand- ing the dissimilitude of their outward forms, the pen of the most inventive fiction could not have drawn a more agreeing, or agreeable pair, than Mr. and Mrs. Neverspar, Raised above the necessities of the time by a wise administration of the fortune with which thev were blessed, and avoiding every luxury that might 101 injure it, their idea was comfort, and it's acquisition the extent of their wishes. This antedikivian couple saw in their daughter Fatima the accomplishments mv Uncle Sino-lestick fancied I should discover ; and deriving from her hap- piness a great portion of their own, resolved upon trusting " their bark to the capricious wind," for the purpose of showingher tlie capital of a country, from which the familv had drawn their original wealth. Fatima Neverspar was a comical little brunette, to use a vulgar phrase, " as broad as she was long." She resem- bled her father in jolHty of appearance, and her mother in the sound of her voice. She had the eyes of the one, the hair of the other, and the united amiabilities of both. But, alas ! how unpleasing to me were the roundness of her shoulders^ the dimples of her 102 fat smiling cheeks, and the unceremo- nious air of her locomotion! I looked in vain for the charms I have heretofore described ; and tlie fascination of Nora maintained an undivided superiority over the enve- loped shape of her intended antago- nist. I hope the Reader will mete out to me a small portion of praise for the minute observations of an ** Absent Man," goaded by a lamentable dis- tress of mind, and labouring under the disadvantages inseparable from a first introduction. I retired from my interview with the Neverspars not materially waver- ing from the opinion I had entertained of my new acquaintance; certainly not struck at first sight, only insomuch as thty gained upon my unqualified admiration, by that most insinuating of all endearments, good-nature! And 103 promising to attend them to a grand review in the Phoenix Park on the fol- lowing morning, (in furtherance of their primary object, the amusement of the comical little brunette) I sought the retirement of my lodg- ings, which was fortunately varied by the arrival of my recovered portman- teau ! It came from the once happy, scene of mv illusion ! '• Where perhaps some beauty lies. The cynosure of neighbouring eyes." The fastening to this travelling wardrobe, which was carefully^ con- cealed beneath a direction in Nora's hand- writing (happy pen thus to be employed!) was also the key to polite literature. It*s original security having, as I concluded, been mislaid, or in an ab- sent moment destroyed, Nora had sub- stituted in lieu of it a padlock of cu- 104 rioiis work 211 an ship, which had been sent her from Dublin with directions for it's use previous to my quitting Athlone. It was composed of four small brass cylinders, engraven with the alphabe- tical characters as far as the letter U, and revolving on a steel axis turned up at either end, forming a handle to keep tliem together. These rollers Avcre to be set to a particular word; and the letters being fixed in little liitches rising on the surface of the axis, the mystery consisted in the inability of an indifferent person to se- parate them, until a discovery of the important term was effected. I tried, Nora! hope! fear! rage! care! mate! open! all exemplifying my feelings at the critical moment! What could break the charm but Love! This was the secret! and ofl' flew the padlock in an instant! I discovered on opening the cover the following 105 copy of verses, and if they failed in their full effect, from the circumstance of my having read them, with a small variation of name, in the Athlone He- rald of the preceding week, I was will- ing for my own peace of mind to con- sider them as the genuine effusion of Nora Cavannah, and falling on my couch read them with the most deter- mined attention. i\Iy plentiful tears obliterated the manuscript, but to the best of my re- collection their substance was as fol- lows : Seest thou, my love, yon falling star. It's radiant brightness closing, Plunge in the elemental war Of tempest dire opposing ? 80 I my brilliant moments past. Fell as a star descending j Torn hapless by the infuriate blast Of hostile tongues contending. 106 Seesl thou, my love, yon languid orb In g-ath'ring clouds expiring-, ^ Their dewy moisture to absorb, Retirement most desiring } So I my wan extinguish'd ho|ie As tears saline dissolving. Gave to the flood it's ample £cope. In solitude revolving. The orient day will never shiiio. Continued darkne^^s veiling, So long as this poor heart of mine Your absence is bewailing. Then cheer my solitary gloom. Return to quit me never ; The spring of life in roseate bloom Shall gild thy moments ever ! This very gratifying renewal of an unextinguishable flame imposed upon me the liveliest emotions of self-aban- donment, which even it's close ap- proximation to the poetry of Saint Valentine's day could in no degree violate. 107 The muse was not gained by gifts, and the spontaneous verse absolutely maddened me with delight! I saw not Dublra! I saw not Dublin! T^Iy rivetted eyes were for a mo- ment fixed upon the lounging chair in Cavannah's library, and 1 fancied his only daughter! my only hope! tracing the emblematical imagery of a Roman nuptial rite with the graver of faith fuhiess. The jocund sound vi- brated through the room, and the alle- gorical process filled my ears with a merry peal. I slept soundly, till being disturbed by the entrance of my landkuly wi th- an eel-pie 1 had, in commemoration of the river Siiannon, (fair stream that trst was wont to reflect my Nora's blushes!) ordered for my solitary din- ner. I hastily desired her to present the ringers with a guinea note each, and as much whiskey as they could- swallow. 108 At this time I fancied nothing so mucli as eels 1 Meat was too cloying for my dainty appetite ! and the dear serpen- tine fish gratified my hunger, while it appeased my recollection. I ate and thought, and thought and ate again! After " one cup of wine" to Nora, I was occupied in a perusal of Para- dise Lost; '^ Now came still Ev'ning on, and Twilight gray Had in her sober liv'ry all things clad." when " mine hostess" interrupted me again with the entrance of the tea equipage. I, little accustomed to' the infusion of the China plant, turned the smoaking agitated tide into the capacious reser- voir below ; but [was totally unaware of not having taken the necessary pre- caution of stopping it again, until as- sailed by the boiling stream which ran down a crack in the table, and, trick- 109 ling through a thin pair of pantaloons, reminded me of my neglect. Whether I was a little disconcerted ]>y tliis repetition of my absence, or indignant at the unsuppressed smile of my landlady which accompanied it, is a matter of no consequence ; I cer- tainly became tired of my book, and conceived an unfavourable impression of ]\lilton's taste in calling Eve " Herself, tliough fairest, unsupported flow'r." Nora, you must know, was not fair, and as I drew all my pictures of femi- nine beauty from this enchanting mo- del, I could no longer endure the de- scription of our general mother, and threw the volumiC to the ground. A confused irregular doze carried nie through the night, and I arose in the fear of committing a mistake in the company of the Neverspars, wliich, though I felt considerable indiffererK:e, it was my interest to avoid. 110 1 careful!}' locked up Hector and Andromache with my repudiated vo- lume, until I had an opportunity of re- turning them toCavannah, and repaired b}^ mi d-d ay to Mountjoy Square. The comely group, led on by the co- mical little brunette, v/ere in readiness to attend me to the Park ; and a car- riage superior in ifs embellishments to the one I travelled in to Athlonc, liiough sufliciently antique to excite the attention of the Hibernian eye, which is particularly caught by a ?howy equipage, and particularly ob- servant of a rusty one, conveyed us in safety to the scene of action. There is something prodigiously un- posing in The collected columns of corps ; The happy harmony of hautboys ; The solemn, slow salute ; The brilliant, blazing bayonets; The moving, mathematical ma- noeuvres; The adroit, alternate advance ; Ill The frequent, formnl fn'c: llie regular, rapid retreat; The quick, questionable quadrangle; The opportune, overvalued order ; The excellent, ending evolutions ot' a regimental, reverberating review! The splendour of a meridian sun contributed to the complete exhibition of these united c|ualificatious; and the richness of tlie surrounding scenery gave a finish to the pageantry, upon which nothing but the anival of his Excellency the Lord Lieutenant could improve. His presence was greeted by the ho- nours due to his' high rank : but I ain induced to believe, that had custo- mary forms admitted of a stronger expression of enthusiasm than the sound of drums and muskets could ex- cite, the inclination of the surround- ing multitude would, in honest accla- mation, have supplied the deficiency. I happened during my sojourn in 112 Dublin to have obtained the know- ledge of several cases, wherein the in- terference and the assistance of the vice-regal charity afforded the hap- piest relief; and the conviction that a great officer of state, acting under cir- cumstaiices of no common public dan- ger, with a dispassionate and highly be- neficial deliberation, was at the same time, previous to the appeal of dis- tress, in a country where it's cries were so multiform and so acute, will, lam certain, auth )rize the above ren)ark. The troops having been obliqued for the formation of a new line on a given company by the echellon march, I be- came so unich interested in tiie change of position, that Ijumperl from the ba- rouche-^eit just at the nick of time when the uo-'d *' halt'* would, if cor- rectly obeyed, have brought the men into that delightful even mass so in- dispensibly necessary to the regularity of the movement. 113 1 fancietl myself geiieralissiniOj and gave with all my lungs the word *\for- ward/' It was certainly forward in me to interfere, but pigmies will be ambitious. I had never before had a command, and a nervous irritability might have caused a similar mistake in any other tlian an '* Absent Man," upon a debut in power! I, however, still hoped, that I might have escaped the observation of the by-standers, as I indubitably made no impression on the battalion; and to use the phraseology of some centuries du- rance, one may sometimes '* pass in a crowd " unnoticed. I had no wish to eternalize my mili- tary prowess; but only to conceal from the heterogeneous mass of the soldiery^ nobilit} , and mol)ility, that 1 was an ** Absent Man." The warriors having marched to their barracks, a system of mutual 114 qmz was adopted by the company, who kept their ground for the enjoy- ment of this fashionable pastime. I would gladly have beat up my land- lady's quarters, being fearful of getting into some other unlucky scrape; and, moreover, I was desirous of writing — need I say to whom? But I found that a separation from the Neverspars, who were excessively delighted at seeing and being seen, would be uncivil and impracticable. I therefore made a vir- tue of necessity, and assumed a sta- ring though I wished it not. The comical little brunette leant over the button-holes of her papa's waistcoat to view-the busy throng; and Mrs. Never spar amused herself witli a bunch of hot-house grapes purchased for the occasion. In this opposition of optics, I flat- tered myself that I espied from a car- riage window the indistinct physiog- nomy of the O'Carol family. 115 •1 tremblingly, yet wiliingly, quitted the post to which I had returned from my late adventure, eager to oiTer my salutations to a party 1 so highly es- teemed, and whose former kind treat- ment of ill-starred occurrences had rendered them doubly interesting to me. My conjecture was right! The bull " passant-gardant" stared me in the face, and confirmed my suspicion. I saw the rosy Miss O'Carol quiz- zing a hussar officer, who, having ta- ken some considerable pains to set off himself and quadruped to the best possible advantage, had failed in the attempt by tearing his fur pelisse, and losino' half his mustaches in the exer- tion of curbing his snorting steed. A misery of human life! and a considera- ble one! Thinking that Miss O'Carol gazed upon ui\ advancing: person through the meduim of her circular, appendant, artificial, transparent substance^ I ne thrust my band into the carriage, (it would have been better received in the bull's mouth !) for the purpose of a friendly digital shake: but, alas! how- cutting was the rebuke of the window glass, which was drawn up as tight as possible to keep out tlie dust. This dilemma drew me underneath the vehicle to avoid explanation, and I escaped on the sinister side of it by the use of my hands and kueos; the lacerated fingers wi^re, however, not much benefited by this stratagem, as I discovered on my return to ('ollege Green, that I had robbed government of a considerahle quautity of the pul- verized soil of the Park, which tena- ciously adhered to the coagulated blood! AIhs! what would Nora have opined,, had slie now seen my mangled joints and knuckles incarnadined in the dust- besprinkled^ sanguinary die? /Vliib! how ignominious for a lover of romance to have his armorial bear- ings incorj3orated with the earth! and yet a bloociv hand w as certainly a dis- tinction on his escutcheon. Aias! that the gentle physician was upwards of fifty mJles from me; and that her true knight, -of tlie bleeding heart and bleeding hand could profit nothing by the experience of her prac- tice! My wounds, however, having been dressed and tranquillised by the care and applications of my domesticated landlady, who was celebrated for her magical nostrums tlirougliout College Green, I resolved upon making ano- ther essay of my dangerous abilities in a pedestrian tour of the city. I had proceeded with the most for- tunate propriety as far as Carlisle Bridge, when I overtook the Never- spars; who, alighting from their car- 118 riage in Sackville Street, were about to explore the column raised to the ho- nour of Nelson, the victor of tlie Nile, the conqueror of Trafalgar, by a peo- ple who more warmly appreciated the enterprise of an illustrious hero, than this inetiicient tribute of their admira- tion could possibly express. It re- corded only his mortal exploits : their immortal fame lived in the hearts of Irishmen ! As a refinement in politeness is the characteristic of this nation, I was sen- sible that 1 should be stigmatized as a creature of a brute creation, and the very reverse of every thing ^^ ele- gant,'* had I not offered my arm to the comical little brunette. O! what a change was here! It was only by superior skill on the one part, and superior perseveran( e on the other, that we ccmtrived, dissimilar in height as in mind, to intervreave our brachial ny beauties: and then mv arm toucliin<2: the succinct girdle of her drapery, 1 ejaculated, *' Give me but what this ribbon boiinr?. Take all the rest the svm goes round." I had not the least idea of what 1 said, and I was sure I had no meaning in it; but Job looked applause; his spouse assent; and the comical little brunette confusion. ^ly right foot advancing just as her left pressed the pavement, we jostled on here again at variance to the footof thepillar,lighted by the smiling countenances ofNe- verspar and his wife ; and much to the amusement of a group of military loungers, who. to their discernment be it spoken, very fairly made gam.e of us. Some brief explanation of my sud- den disappearance at the review, V20 though I took care to conceal the for- feit of my indiscretion under a neat Limerick glove, took place on our way , and as the cluster of critics were either a<:imiring- the solidity, or cen- suring- the heaviness of the column, I observed to the comical little brunette with the most promising quickness, the wit of some Hibernian mechanic, who alkiding in his different reading to the removal of the scaffolding that had encompassed it, had erased the C and the li from that side of the sarco- phagus which bore the inscription of "Copenhagen;" and thereby converted the memorial of that victory into the ludicrous implication uY '^ Open agen." This invigorating perception some- what restored my depressed spirits, and 1 accepted an invitation to pass the remainder of the day with the fa- mily who witnessed it. I v/as delighted with the good-na- 12] tur€ of these exemplary people, though, for reasons as well known to the Reader as myself, I could carry my complaisance no further. Our comfortable meal, of which, luckily for me, a cluster of delicious eels formed the top dish, passed off with no other interruption than the trivial one, which was occasioned by m.y addressing Mrs. Neverspar with, " My dear, your good health." As this ex- cellent woman was above the suspicion of an intentional insult, and unconsci- ous of my wanderings towards Nora Cavannah, who hovered round my cup, no notice M^as taken of my error; and the conversation being kept up in a tolerably smart succession, withtheglo- ries of the grand review, I was re- joiced to hear Job declare, that he had never seen military precision carried to a greater height! Here I thought I must have fallen; but he continued to ex- press his entire satisfaction of the day, G 122 and closed his panegyric v,'ith ob- serving, that not the minutest atom of an accident hail clouded the splen- dour of the scene. Here aQ:ain I es- caped detection; and I anticipated a quiet conclusion to a day chequered witli remorse and gratulation! I had reason to infer that my friend Job, at this second visit of mine, ex- pected som€ shght indication of my growing partiality for his adored Fa- tima. Ah! bhnd infatuation! I ob- served that he studiously watched my movements, though I am free to be- lieve, that in no one look or gesture could he extract the least honey of hope. My person alone was in Dublin, my faculty, if I had any, floated on the waters of the implacable Shannon. O, Nora! O, romance! O, Absent Man! Neverspar had probably heard from my nncle Singlestick, that I might be worth looking after, and it was evi- 123 (lent from his manner, that lie wouUi not liave been averse to my advances. As, however, I had no idea of the kind, liis encomiums on Fatima's va- ried excellencies, his remote sugges- tions, and his forced jokes on the feli- cities of matrimony, were *' caviare to the vulgar," unheeded, not under- stood. With Nora, indeed, ** Where friendj^hip full exerts her soflest power. Perfect esteem, enliveiid by desire Ineffable, and synipatliy of soul ; Thought meeting thouglit, and will prevent- ing will, With boundless confidence, for nought but love Can answer love, and render bliss secure," tlie case would have been different. Fatima on her part, good naturcd soul! lost nothing by useless pertur- bation and corroding care; her uncon- cerned manner plainly demonstrated her indifference to me, and I was G 2 124 equally regardless of her. There was neither romance in her composition, nor wildness in her eye ; she partook so largely of the ease of her parent's disposition, that if assailed hy the whole archery of the " blind bow boy's but- shaft,"she would I believe have adhered to the aphorisms "of Crazy Jane, and " When men flatter, sigh, and lan^ish. Think them false, though she had not as yet '* found them so !'* Shakspeare telis us, that " He jests at scars that never felt a wound." and the comical little .brunette pos- sessed in it's strictest sense this neg- ligence of love. Mr. and Mrs. Neverspar, the sun- raisins of matrimony, as the season was on the decline, were now projecting a temporary departure from the shores 125 of the LifFey " in search of the pictu- resque;" and conceiving that I might from my local knowledge he enabled to act the part of an index in the en- tertainment they were getting up, se- veral queries were put to me, in the course of the evening's conversation, as ^o the most feasible line of operations. The lady consort opened the scene by requesting a sketch of the most pro- minent beauties of the Lakes of Kil- larney. I replied, as well as I can re- member, to the following effect : *' In towering majesty of form, this polished work of nature skirts the meandering involutions of the trans- lucid Shannon; and, reflected on the dark blue surface of it's waters, reflects again upon the parting sigh of our last interview! Her name rests on the clefted rock, and is echoed tlnough tiie van i ted apertures of the abyss be- neath !" This doubtful explanation induced 126" Job to inquire of me, in what county the Lakes of Killarney were situate? I answered, '' Atlilone." '' Pray, sir," said the comical little brunette, ** where is the Giant's Causeway?" '^Between Athlone and Crazy ('astle, madam.'' '' And Bantry Bay, Sir, where the Trench landed?" *' In Hare Island, ma- dam." ^' Pray, sir, which is considered t]>c best shop in Limerick for ladies' gloves?" *' Cavannah's, madam, at Athlone." '' Where is the Dargle, sir!" asked Mrs, Neverspar. '*At the front of thcpensioncrs' cottage, madam. ""What town is most famous for poplins, sir?" *^ The garden of Cavannah's house, at Athlonc, madam." Nevers[)ar begging me to give him some account, a Httlc more coherently, of the celebrated fair at Ballinasloe, I immediately assured him, that she was incomparably infe- rior to the fair of Athlonc! In short, the unanswered trio, where they ex- pected to hiul quite a denizen in geo- 127 graphical information, discovered an •^ Absent Man." The penetration of Mrs. Neverspar beginning " to smell a rat," she cun- ningly asked me, " if I were to stand godfather at an Irish christening, what name I should prefer, supposing the infant to be of the tender sex ?" I filled the room with " Nora! Nora!" and confirmed their awakened suspi- cions of " a snake in the grass." The servant, presently afterwards, brought in a parcel of books from the Library, protected by a neat sheet of paper. I saw Mrs. Neverspar very carefully examining the characters written on the inner-side, in a bad, scarcely legible, hand; and observed a most marked smile on her counte- nance in tracing the besmeared me- moranda. No, not the veriest ro- mance ever indited could have planned a more distressing untoward coinci- dence ' It was positively my own poe- 128 try, which from the time I thre\y it on the seat of tlie coach, to the pre- sent moment, had never been remem- bered. The delighted lady read the effu- sion aloud; and I had only to bless my stars, that no names were intro- duced in it, that might lead to the ex- posure ofit's author. The occurrence of the word '* Ath- lone," which had so lately been upper- most on my lips, and their knowledge of my residence in that town, were however, with my sheepish looks, a strong testimonial of my guilt, though no proof positive could fortunately be adduced. My topography having failed, and an awkward silence succeeding this nearly fatal perusal, the comical little brunette, with the most happy and sea- sonable alacrity, flew to the piano-forte: ** Music hath charms to soothe the savage breast. To soften rocks, and bend the knotted oak." 129 it is also a vast reformer of a cadence in conversation. My friend Job, who from his palpa- ble habit, as his cara sposa informed me, freqnently offered a snoring sacri- fice to old Morpheus towards the close of the evening, fell into a somnife- rous stupefaction of intellectual abi- lity. The active and pliable mind of his dissimilar counterpart, exerted it- self in the fabrication of a silken web to hold the miser's idol, and the sage's dross: whilst I, the " Absent Man," gave the most amiable consideration to the sphere of harmony, ruled by that laughable planet, tlie comical lit- tle brunette, Fatima now warbled forth., *' Tell her I love her.'' This was exactly what I wished to repeat to Nora: it reminded me of my proposed epis- tle; and without waking papa, or dis- turbing mamma, I begged of the plump little syren to excuse my re° o 5 130 tiring, on account of a sudden serious iiead-acl]. She, being accustomed to think with Pope, that '* whatever is is right," made no objection to my hasty exit, and I left the room. ** Tell her I love her " rested on my tongue as I descended the staircase; and the servant asking me, as he gave me my hat, " if I had any orders for tlie washerwoman recommended me by his mistress?" I replied, " tell her I love her/* and bounded into the street. In my way home to College Green, I was accosted by a countryman, with '^ Please your honour, what dy'e call this square, all round here, without a name to it!'' I answered him, " Tell her I love her :" and meeting a wag, who quizzing my devotion to the moon, which " Rising in clouded majesty, at length, Ajjpajcnt queen, unveil'd her peerless light. And u'cr the dark her silver mantle threw^" 131 asked me, ** if I had any commands to the Lunatic Asyhimr" " None," said I, '' but tell her I love her." I reached my lodgings in safety, and after taking a cup of strong cof- fee to prevent the soporiferous effects of *' past twelve o'clock and a moon- light night," wrote the following epi- thalamium. I had but little acqnaintance with the muses, but as I had always been given to understand, that poetry was more seasonable on such occasions than prose, I hammcM-d out these rhymes. I had, moreover, a considerable claim upon the bounty of the Pierides; particularly, on that of Erato, tlie in- ventress of tlie lute and lyre, ibr the stingine s of her former favours : did she not make up for her defect in this pensive strain ? The rag-ing" tumultuous sea Bears (this is a fact I assure yo) A -triking leseinblaMce to me, Coiidemned without trial by jury. 132 I felt the delights of a calm, Afid floated on hope's buoyant billow^ Till wreck'd by paternal alarm. That ruin'd the peace of my pillow ! The sparrows of Dublin may grieve. And chirp their love-tale through the city 5. But how can their music relieve The agoniz'd strain of my ditty ? Go, sweet sounding songsters, go hence ! Enjoy the cool shade without fetters y Nor come upon any pretence. Till Nora has linish'd her lettejs. Go, '^ tell her I love her," sweet flight. While vessels on ocean are sailings While Phoebus diffuses his light. And Daffy's Elixir's availing ! 'W^hile equity judges admire ; While murphies in Ireland are eaten 5, While turf makes a Paddy's coal fire j And Ho.wth by the surges is beaten. The postman is twanging his horn, And language can never discover. With a hope, that I hope's not forlorn^ How fervently I am her lover ! 133 Receive thia heart-rending adieu 1 By Saint Patrick we soon sliall be one j When sorrow shall sing fiUaloo ! And dull care end in laughter and fun T The day after this astonishing effort of the muse came to life, I had the distracting mortification of seeing a fac-simile of it in a Dublin paper, with this insulting introduction from a tor- menting letter-sorter. Mr. Editor, Humbly presuming that I am not in anv degree infringing upon the duties of my situation, and that a laugh in these dolorous] times may be acceptable to you, I enclose a letter for publication, which otherwise, from the joint circumstances of there being neither name subscribed, seal affixed, or superscription given thereto, can never reach it's destination, I take it to be the production of some hapless Strephon disordered in his mind* or of 134 some absent man, who, through his faihng lias thus exposed the privacy of his meditation to the ridicule of the pubHc eye, by the means of, Sir, Your most obedient, humble servant, ]\Iatthew Mail, Post Office, Dublin. Thus provokino'ly thwarted, 'where I thoughtmyself most secure, and should have been, but for my habitual disor- der, I wished the sex, the sparrows of Dublin, Daffy's Elixir, turf, coals, po- tatoes, and St. Patrick, at tlie : but considering, that, as in a previous in- stance of miscarriage, neither Nora, nor the Neverspars, nor Matthew Mail, or any other individual, could possibly discover their author; and that mycon- demnatioii of them was unworthy of an " Absent Man," who had hereto- fore weathered the storm of a much 13,5 heavier opjDression, I merely wlslied that it had occurred to me to seal and direct my letter as usual. By patience, burthens, which at first gall our shoulders, become light and bearable; and there is but a small profit in ruminating upon past irre- trievable occurrences. The Reader may have observed, that the nam.e of Shakspeare, our immortal bard, has been mentioned in this nar- rative; I felt at this period of my life as much interest in a play as I did in a romance : that is, where the charac- ters and plot brought out any delinea- tion of ideas congenial with my own. I do not here mention the circumstance in praise of my taste, but ^^ou must know, that Shakspeare was always a favourite of mine; and whenever the theatrical performances promised this attraction, I invariably attended them. The Irish stage, though the nursery for the most exalted ornaments of the 136 London boards, is, nevertheless, but little above mediocrity in it's proper- ties and general exhibitions : a want of due patronage may cause this evident deficiency, but it's effect is to be la- mented on any ground. Romeo and Juliet was to me, a fond enthusiast in Love's heraldry, the most exceedingly affecting play of Shak- speare's most inventive imagination. I sighed with the hero, wept with the heroine, and delightedly did I " See how she lean'dher cheek upon her hand:" though, to tell the honest truth, I could not for the life of me, carry my complaisance so far as to wish " That I were a glove upon that hand. That I might touch that cheek/' in the representation I shall describe. Seeing in the bills of the day the L37 announcement of this poisoning catas- trophe, I took a box, and accompanied the Neverspar family to the theatre. I thought the comical little brunette would enjoy the description given by Mercutio of Queen Mab : " Brawn with a team of little atomies. Athwart men's noses as they lie asleep." The unfortunate illness of the lady, who had undertaken to pourtray the soft sorrows of the first of poets, how- ever, soon threw a gloom around my expecta;ions, and the app^araiice of her substitute finished the despair I had antici{)ated. O, Nora ! Nora ! how had I wished before the curtain drew up to have dis- patched a fiery-footed steed for thee, and placed thee by my side! where sat the comical little brunette, negli- gent of sweet, impending horror, read- 138 ing the characters of the Farce of " Killing no Murder;" but when the heroine came on, this wish subsided : no female in the whole corps-drama- tique could have acted the part with a worse grace; and no lady in the au- ditory, excepting, perhaps, the bru- nette, would have looked it so little. Her voice too was a deep tenor, and lier accent so characteristic of her tountr}^ that the most obliging stretcli of imagination could never have laid the scene in Mantua. A fair confi- dence in her own abilities, in which, I confess, I did not participate, car. lied her through the play with so much spirit, that when I eagerly expected her to pour forth her soft sorrow, she uttered her soliloquies Mith all the pcrtness of a Mistress Job&on. Cer- tain it is, that there was the " De- vil to Pay!" and I was so much mortified at secin«;the comical little 139 brunette enjoying the murder of the sweet tale, that I was determined not to countenance it by my applause. I had on a former occasion heard a wag, by substituting the concluding- word '' Juliet " for that of " Romeo," in the following line : *' Romeo^ Romeo I wherefore art thou Romeo :'* put a question, which in the present case it might have been difficult t© have answered, so far as regarded the lady. She "proceeded in fine style to the garden scene, where the " pretty fool '* appeared, as usual, at the balcony, and the " god of her idolatry " beneath : she very saucily told him that, " That which we call a rose, By any other name would smell as sweet;'' and hastilv concluded with 140 ** Romeo, quit thy name. And for that name, which is no part of thee. Take all myself.'* Romeo's representative was a strong athletic Irishman, with more muscu- lar, than mental power : in this, far once at least, fortune befriended him, as well as the lad}' above; for upon his replying in the appropriate words of his unrivalled author, ^' I take thee at thy word,** Juliet, the balcony, and frontage of the veranda, descended into his un- ex pec ting arms ! The ludicrous *' fall of Bajazet" in Hogarth's Southwark Fair was eclipsed by this headlong embrace; and twenty minutes elapsed before tb.e prostrate beauty could be prevailed upon to re- appear. What an opportunity this, had Nora 141 been witness to the accident, for a con- verse sweet! But the comical little brunette, and her parents twain, had not concluded their flood of laughter? before the daughter of old Capulet, somewhat bruised, but no wise de- jected, came forth a second time from her chamber window. Some slight manifestation of disapprobation occur- ring among " the gods," just as she came to tliis line, ** What satisfcXtion can'st thou have tonight?" it proved a truism, that turned their hissing into an irresistible roar, which echoed through the house. Things now assumed a better as- pect; she "cut him out in little stars," with the effective action of a notable housewife, eking out a scanty allow- ance of drapery, and exerted herself so much in this passage, ** Oh break my hearty poor bankrupt, break at oncej" 142 that it produced the untoward frac- ture of an ugl}^ broad red velvet gir- dle, which, though it caused a momen- tary titter, evidently improved her ap- pearance. She received the news of Romeo's banishment with a declama- tory tone that delighted tlie gallery amazingly; and really drank the friar's *' potent draught" very gen- teelly: but in the concluding scene of the monument, she conveyed such a different character to the line, *' O churl! drink all, and leave no friendly drop To help me after !" to what is intended, that I fervently hoped she might never again rise from the tomb of the Capulets; at least not to personify their lovelorn daughter. The patience of Job, generally pe- rennial, was now on the ebb; he de- clared, that he could not be satisfied, that " Killing was no Murder" in the 143 way he bad seen it represented; and the quartette carried an adjournment from Crow Street to Mount joy Square, nem. con., at the conclusion of the play. This was as unlucky a debut for the Neverspars, as it had proved for the tearful maid, Juliet: but tlieir primi- tive good-nature made ample allow- ance for the casualty that had de- stroyed the tragic bowl ere it's liquor was drunk. To me it was the greatest possible consolation, that I had not contributed any inaccuracies of con- duct to the mistakes of the stage; and though Nora's brilliant form rested in the glittering ramifications of the chandelier before me, I am not aware that her appellation escaped my lips. I should have mentioned, that the morning of this day was passed in the same company ; the anterior part of it in viewing the Irish House of Par- liament, now converted into the Na- u44 tional Bank; the Castle and Courts of Justice; Custom House and other pub- lic buildings; finishing our circuit, which, to less curious eyes, might have afforded an hebdomadal inquiry, at the ^luseum of a celebrated glass- blower, "just arrived from London!'' He was the king of respiration! I was highly amused with the near re- lationship he had traced between love and air; a pedigree, I had to my cost, long, long ago, discovered! The pro- ductions of his breath were all either principals or accessaries in the court of the dove-drawn queen; and my ena- moured eye wandered over a chain of brittle Cupids, disporting in vitreous ** yellow meads of asphodel ;" or I'e- posed on the ascending form of some Venus Anadyomene, fabricated with her attributes of the aphya and lycos- tomus, and fusible as her amorous pro- totype! The foam of the glassy sea was exe- 145 CLited to nature, and the empreso of the conchologists, in an attitude the most captivating, let her hair of chry- sohte hue wave over a pelhicid bust of alabaster 1 Some unfinished figures of Kermcs, Aglaia, Euphrosyne, and Tiiaha, gave the fairest promise of perfection ; while many a bed of the brightest carmine formed rosy couches for recumbent doves. In this emblematical Heaven of profane history, satire, keen, and as it Avere episodical satire ! exerted a bale- i\\\ influence. The censorious king of the frangi_ ble repository of curiosities, wisely conceiving, tliat vvliere love was, mis- chief should be near at hand, had in this allusive region of de ight intro- duced the diabolical majesty of d.irk- ness, as companion with Venus in her throne of love; and of all the bewitch- ing specimens of his frail art, that di- H 146 vided her choice, what thhik ye, iiiy gentle Reader, the comical httle bru- nette at last selected? Verily, the god of love astride a braycr, and drawn by the devil! This was monstrous ! it showed her contempt of his soft power ; and could I subscribe to so criticising an exposition of it? No: I offered not to be the bearer of hiirh treason against the state, of which I was, however unworthy, a tender sub- ject; and the conquering, uncon- (|uered, comical little brunette, car- ried the commentary in her own ridi- cule, a proper depository for so hei- nous a b urden. It was placed, as a memento of her good taste, on the chimney-piece of the drawing-room in Mountjoy Square; and Mrs. Neverspar would frequently ask me, if I had ever seen the magic of the glass-blower's crucible during the sojourn I made at Athlone. 147 Although, literally, somewhat flc. dining in hope, I determined to pos- sess it in a figurative sense. '' Hope springs eternal in the human breast, Man never is, but always to be blest." " Hope is the balm and life blood of the soul; it pleases and it lasts:" and I purchased a semblance of this divi- nity leaning on a slender anchor (alas! too often the case) to adorn my lodg- ing, in opposition to the preposterous ornament of the comical little bru- nette's mantle-piece. '^ E;t natura hominum novltatis avida." The Neverspars were new to me; by their means I seceded a little from the solitude 1 had imposed upon myself; my fondness for eels gradually subsided into an enduranccof other animal food; and as Ihave before observed, although I 148 did not intend in the remotest degree, *' to pin my faith upon their sleeve," I considered their occasional society no way inferior to my harassing contem- plations. Where a person's spirits are not alto- gether at low- water mark, an inter- mixture of objects and occurrences tends, sometimes effectually, to keep up the tide; and as mine had more pressure from a temporary than an ultimate despair, I always found that I returned to my wilderness of reflec- tion with more quicksilver in my com- position, than Icould muster upon leav- ing it. The association 1 had con- tracted was inconclusive of happiness; ** O happiness, our being's end and aim !" but it afforded a present styptic to the deep wounds that Nora had inflicted; and the comical little brunette, whether from habit or positive improvement, 149 undoubtedly appeared in a more sup- portable point of vie\v\ Custom is a great reconciler of early prejudices. Now do not imagine, kind Reader, for one monient, that any tergiversa- tion of my former troth is about to be brought on the canvass. No, no: Mer- ciitio in the play says of the heir to the house of Montague, *' Now is he for the numbers that Petrarch ilowedin! Laura to his iady was but a kitclicn- wench. Dido a dowdy ! and Cleopatra a gipsy ! Helen and Hero, hildings and harlots ! This be' a gray eye^ or sOj biitnot to the purpose." These comparisons suit mine, which is to assure you, that Nora and the co- mical little brunette ^yere still witll^ nie the bane and antidote of love I Neverspar and his v/ife were begin- ning to be endeared to me by a per- petual display of good-nature: not that they made an ostentation of it; it was on the contrary a quality of their dis- 150 position, whicli, like the genial dew- drop, invigorated the arid stems of lite, and shed it's latent, though percepti- ble influence, on all they said and did. Socrates was supposed to have re* pented of his conjugal vows to Xan- tij)pe, but the sun never went down on the anger of Mr. and jMrs. Never* spar. Ciossips have an anecdote explana- tory of the origin of matrimony, and it's good or evil effects in high esti- mation among them. It was once told me, as an inf^il- lible method of discovering, how to discern between an intended and a chance match. INIarriages, say they, are made in the regions above, and tlie happy duplicates find their way to our lower abodes In jars expressly mo- delled to contain them. The rapid transition from the one element to the other, is frequently productive of a fracture in the vessels, wliich leaving in rlic distributed parties in erlicr, tends;- not very uncommonly, to an union ex- traneoLis from the oriolnal design. A connexion is thus formed which was never meant; and the feuds and dis- scntions, which now and then imbitter the matrimonial state, arise from the intercourse of couples, Avho, com- mencing their downward voyage in separate jars, become, in the concus- sion of pottery, partners forlife, thougli not joint partakers of it's primary blessing. The inference I drew from tliis story was, that the Neverspar package reached our terrestrial globe preserved and unbroken. The thirst for novelty, I have just alluded to, and the consequent impres- sion that any new scene makes on our minds, will possibly account for the minute description, into which I have entered, of my first knowledge of 152 tliese dear aiul inestimable friends of my Uncle Singlestick. 1 shall not, however, in the progress of my relation continue to trouble my Header with the sections and intersec- tions of a Tegular series of days, weeks, aiurmonths, whereon and wherein such and such a plan was devised, and so ar.d so was executed, bringing him with mathematical precision to the conclusion of the narrative; but he Avill be good enough to take the re- maining particulars in as orderly a luanner as I can arrange them, ever holding in memory the caution I here- tofore gave, that as perfection is not a synonymous term with mortalit}^, he nuist not expect it in an *' Absent Man." Job's patience was now put to a trial, as severe in point of corporeal .sufferance, as could attack him. I found him on the sofa with all the 153^ initiatory horrors of a fit of the gout; and it is said, that Job himself would have winced on a similar occasion. The easy-chair, the large shoe, the am- ple hose, the crutch, the ottoman un- covered : all, all bespoke the expecta- tion of this most unwelcom>e visitant, and all required the unimpalrable en- durance of a Neverspar. I understood tliat he was heredita- rily subject to this excruciating ma- lady : it was only an additional reason for his fortitude, and coming in the autumn of the year, fears (and who amongst us can avoid tlieir intrusion?) were entertained that his creeping,, sluggish, companion would pass the winter with him. Job had incautiously indulged in too free a libation of claret upon first coming to Ireland: he found the qua- lity of this wine particularly fine in Dublin, and anticipated no liarni from drinking an occasional bumper of it to II 5 154 the friends he had left behind him : in this Hsthe invariably included m yUncle Singlestick, and his good nature, circu- lating with the circulation of the glass, would have given a flavour to the most inferior vintage, had his toast been even an exceptionable one. We not un frequently are kept iu Ignorance of the price of a luxury, though perhaps too ready to put an excessive value upon it, till the balance day arrives, and Job was now threat- ened with a heavy payment for his racy claret. His mind still, however, preserved it's usual tone of undisturbed peace, the harmony of liis nature kept him aloof from any encroachments of care;' and I wished, as I beheld him pros- trate on the couch, which he was al- most fearful of touching with his foot, and deprived of the enjoyment of nearly every alimentary pleasure, when i saw him, I say, in this distressing 1d,i predicament, with a smile on bis cheer- ful countenance, and not a sigh escap- ing him, or a complaint quivering on his lip, I wished, that if in the page of my destiny, the Parcag had set me down for a fit of the gout, I might follow the excellent example of Job Neverspar of Placid Hall. He received the praises and dis- praises of a fashionable remedy for his disorder with equal indiiference, though he was too good-natured to upbraid the friends who mentioned it's com- posing properties, implying at the same time, that he had no intention of making his own quietus by the cure proposed to him; that, he jocularly said, he would leave for his Irish friends, when necessity might prompt them to the experiment, and closed a series of the most unanswerable posi- tions by promising to drink largely; (here I feared that he began to faul- ter, knowing how inviting one glass 156 is to the taste of another, and so on, toties quoties) but my apprehension subsided upon his assuring us it should only be of tlie cnp of patience; and he laughingly told the comical little brunette, who, poor thing, warmed ids stockings and mixed his oatmeal potation (next to patience in her dear father's pharmacopoeia,) with an affec- tion that would have graced my Nora! that he should certainly find his cure at the bottom of it ! I pleased him greatly by an anec- dote of a person in a similar situation, who begged very hard for permission to treat himself with a single bumper of Hermitage. His importunity at length wringing his physician's slov/ consent, he restricted him to one glass; but repented of his ready acquiescence on hearing that his unruly patient had pledged him in three times three ! Neverspar thought the doctor much mure in fault than liis tippling sufferer. 157 and alaiost hinted that he should have done the same. Thus, this painful disease was con- ducive of mirth and good-humoui* and had it not been for the awkward, and otherwise unaccountable appear- ance of the paraphernalia around me, I should have fancied myself offering a genuine sacrifice at the Temple of Momus, rather than inclining over the pillowed sofa of a sickening friend ! ^'Leviusfit patientia quicquidcorrigere estnefas," was a maxim to which Neverspar ad- hered most implicitly ; it was, he said, wrong to correct the fit, for which assertion he had classical authority, and he was sure that it would be alle- viated by patience. I have heard of a terrible disniaj being often occasioned by a mutabi- iity of temper in one or other of the contracting parties to a marriage lo- 158 Icmnity, and that when the gorgeous apparel of the bridal morn has been the sole employment of an eyry of town milliners for many a day, and the legal preparations have been signed and sealed with a trembling- hesitating hand, the equipage ordered, and the establishment provided, this indecision has caught the whole frame, and the " baseless fabric of the vision leaves not a wreck behind." Whether this wavering tendency is attributable to a sadden discovery of the fractured jar I have touched upon iti an earlier page, or takes it's origin in the instability of all human affairs, it is sometimes equally to be lamented, and the necessary abandonment of their excursive plan, \is prospects and preparations, caused an equal degree of regret to the good Mrs. Neverspar and her daughter Fatima, I ani, however, willing to assure myself, that their la- mentation sprung from a fountain of 159 pity for the object of their hiiiderance, and that the shallow recondite waters of pleasure found no sympathetic tear in their eyes. My geographical communications were, as it turned out, quite sufiicient; and the comical little brunette refuted my controvertible localities by the aid of a map purchased for the tour. She now saw the real situation of the Lakes of Killarney, entered Bantry Day, cast a wistful look at Limerick, and crossed the Giant's Causeway, as many a credited and hig-hlv celebrated well-informed and intelligent classical traveller had done before her by the fire-side, and that which was want- ing in natural scenery was made up for in a fertile imagination, aided by the useful observations I was so capa- ble of contributing, and so proud of letting her knov/ that it v\as in my power to furnish. Tiie comical little brunette as an in- 160 terlude to this soft dalliance with Ui- bernia, which indeed only reminded Neverspar of his infirmity, amused him very good-humouredly with the exhi- bition of some LiUiputian waltzers she had purchased at a library in College Green. This dwarf pigmy race were very satirical little fellows, and like the king of respiration, and emperor of all blowers, blended the *' snarling cynic" with the amusement they aflPoided. They were about the height of the two first joints of a middle finger, and dressed in the airy costume of the pro- fession they copied. Thtir support in this bitter world was composed of four bristles cut to an equal length, and equidistant from each other: their :^iouldwas of cork, light-headed, light- fingered, light-footed gentry, and they were framed to imitate and ridicule the circumvolutions and circumrota- tions of a style of dancing recom- riieiided by fashion, not patronized by ICI taste: and the mode by wliich they ac- complished it was eilfectcd by the vi- bration of the sounding board of the piano, on which, in close embracing groups, they whirled their giddy way, and whirled and wheeled, and wheeled and whirled again, till at length they fell as others would have done in a si- milar pursuit in Neverspar's approba- tion. One morning during the visit of the surly guest above described, Mrs. Ne- verspar read from the newspaper an account, always flourished and highly coloured in such instances, of a sale of some fashionable garniture, which Mv, x4uctioneer ** assured the ladies, ])articularly, would fully recompense them for any little time and attention they might be pleased to bestow upon it." The paragraph gained a brace of advocates immediately ; so winning is any circumstance tliat opens a field for 162 curiosity ^ and I was requested by the ladies to afford the use of my head in case any great bargains should become irresistible. The trio, O, Nora! O for thy more equal arm ! sallied forth to fulfil the designs of the advertiser, or in other words to have their pockets ])icked ; aiul seeing in our road a vast concourse nf miserable looking citi- zens apparently in dreadfu conster- nation, I was dt sired to mpart any knowledge I might possess of the cause of the fray. " Oh it's only the Black Cart, Madam." " La, Sir," (says the comical little brunette) " pray what may that be!" " Why, madam, you must know, that this beautifully constructed city, in that part of it called the * Old Town,' contains an assemblage of wretched habitations, the wretched abodes of the wretched people now before you. Tiiey have no occupation, and are merely mecha- 163 nics in the trade of begging*: this sys- tem is tlieir only pursuit, and here at least they are very industrious. *' The poHce of Dubhn endeavour by all fair means to keep this numerous clan in proper subjection; but there are inchviduals in this, as in other com- munities, governed by a ruler, not of the people's choice, whose disposition to anarchy, repubhcanism, and insub- ordination, becomes exceedingly trou- blesome, especially when all control, moral, social, and political, is held iu such utter contempt by their ring-lead- ers, who, having arisen from a tainted stock themselves, are perpetually sow- ino; the seed of vice amonost their in- fatuated followers ; this, taking an earl}' thrift, for ' ill weeds grow apace,* in their separate breasts, spreads it*s poisonous qualities over the Avhole body, and the infection becomes gene- ral ; a canker succeeds, and all hope of any healthy amendment being vain, 164 tliis blighted p.r.'.l anpitieil race coiul- nue ill their diseased state to the close of their existence. * Indolence is the parent of vice!' Law becanies their laughing-stock, and government their aversion. "An active intelhgent man is, how- ever, notwithstanding their antipathy to orde?-, appointed by the poHce ta superintend tliese refractory people ; and from the peculiar duties of the sphere in which he moves, he has been so commonly styled * the king of the beggars,' that he is as well-known by that name, as the residence of the Lord Lieutenant is by the appellatiori of * the Vice-regal Lodge/ *^ His presence among this lawless brotherhood is, for the time, attended by every mark of personal respect: but he shares the common fate of mo- narchs; and the subject, who was fore- most to bow the knee before him, is not un frequently, perhaps from an ini- 105 bibcd idea of equality, the firat to pick a hole in his coat, as he leaves the mendicant generation in the rear. " The Black Cart, madam, is a kind of ruse de guerre, for when positive commands would only promote disor- der and commotion, his majesty thinks it more wise, knowing how unpopular he is in the estimation of his people, to succeed by stratagem where force might fail; and consequently issues his daily royal mandate, ' that the said Black Cart be put in motion and kept in revolution in terrorem through- out the City.' His faithful emissaries, the police, constantly attend it's pro- gress, and if any suspicious character or characters be seen lurking about a great man's door, or congregating to compose a tale of wo, that might work upon the feelings of the unwary pas- senger, or placing or dislocating any false legs orarms,orobscuring or patch- ing up any real eye or eyes, or other- 166 wise infringing upon the good orckM- of things : his said inajesty's explicit injunctions are, that the said })olice show any and every such offender or offenders the environs of the city on the elevated seat of the Black Cart, and land them eventually at his Ma- jesty's Bridewell for the better man- agement of his unruly subjects. I must, madam, in conclusion, observe further, that the charitable and bene- volent disposition of his present ma- jesty, the king of the beggars, is the just theme of universal encomium ; and that no panegyric of mine could, were I to wish it until the opposite sides of our beautiful bay met in mid ocean, add to the already overflowing measure of his merited reputation. "The disturbance of social order you have just noticed, madam, is oc- casioned by the distinct rumbling of the wheels of the Black Cart, a sound from which the culprits are well ac- 167 •customed to flee, and their coiifnsloii will speedily be increased, for see, it approaches." The cleanser of the Au- gean stable passed us as we reached the place of our destination. I thus imparted what little know- ledge I had of the moving scene in my most collected and approved man- ner. I began to flatter myself, that I had o\-ercome that unfortunate absence of mind, which occasioned me so much inconvenience as well as my friends, and that I was making progress in that calm region of thought and intellect, which I was so ambitious of obtainino-. But, ah me ! how did the following occurrences falsify my hopes ! Nora still bewitched me ! An auction is of all others a kill- time, that obtains most in the fashion- able circles: it has so various a claim upon the attention, and creates such an imperceptible impulse for the attain- ment of '' vertu,"* that many a cap- tivatecl purchaser has been at a lu^b for an adequate museum, iu which to exhibit the articles of taste, when he has conveyed them home, that opened his purse-strings, aided by the enslav- ing rhetoric of the orator when there. In the present instance, Fame had sounded her trumpet far and near, and curiosity, as illustrated in the ample eager group of amateur old china deal- ers, and deceitful furbishers of spu- rious paintings, was at its height. We entered a large room resound- ing with the impressive eloquence of ** knock them down!" and being per- sonSj as the Reader may guess, of some appearance, were accommodated with seats contiguous to the pulpit of Dcr mosthenes. Fatima was soon caught in the mesh spread for her cornucopia of cash, and I was requested to nod and nod till bidding was on the wane. At length a rich prize of real Brussels lace, all m manufactured doul)tless within an hour's walk of the scene efore us ; and a plaster mould of iiiiic mowing down a nest of Cupids, froHvking on a bed of roses, intended as a compa- nion to the glass-blower's satirical work, Here declared to ht iiy pro- perty: and the youtliful clerk a.>^ing me to what address 1 would please to have the lot delivered, it \vas my un- happy lot to say, "' The Rev. Arthur Cavannah's, Athlone !" This dissonant declaration diverted tlie comical little brunette exceedingly; and causing a determined flood of laughter among some ladies who occu- ])ied the benches bcMind us, I turned round to see to whom I harl beeii the cause ofsomuetx mirth, and to my inex- pressible confusion, whom should 1 see, on the broad grin, but the rosy Miss O'Carol, the fanciei ot ponu-i^ianates ! and her excellent phil >> phivaimother! The little remaining reason I had 170 now left me fled. A puzzled, rack- ing, incoherent, phrenetic, gesticula- tion succeeded. I hurried over, in my Avanderings, the misfortunes at Crazy Castle, the demolition of the chimney ornaments, and the partridge ami cus- tard ; the two-pronged fork stuck in my throat, and the table-cloth yet fixed in my button-hole, brought down a second time upon me a load of woe. I continued nodding (as I supposed afterwards was the case,) for Milton, Pope, and the whole collection of En- glish Poets, were put down to the same direction I inadvertently gave, and Cavannah, who owned them be- fore, was again mad<; master of a dupli- cate assortment! I dared not for some time, by venturing another curve of my perplexed head, to accost Mrs. O'Carol or her rosy daughter. Nora, and the recollection that I had by my absence forfeited that claim to their favour, from which I expected 171 preferment in love, and tlie fear tliat I mio^ht liave been detected in mv at- tempt to join hands in the Phoenix Park, though baffled by the interposi- tion of the carriage window, all argued against the how I was meditating, and jMrs. Neverspar for a time preserved my original position by begging of me to bid for a purple morocco Grecian couch, upon which she thought her gouty husband might experience some repose. After having encountered a pha- lanx of merciless brokers, who upon similar occasions invariably pride them- selves on their opposition, I was de- clared victor; but the prudent comi- cal little brunette whispered to her mamma to give her own card of ad- dress. My delight€d eyes were next feasted with an excellent cast of *' the o-reat and good King William !" The place, the crowd, the comical little brunette, i2 172 were all forgotten ; the griping bro. kers requested to examine the sooty physiognomy of the clear bust! I caught it from their grasp ! The glorious ma- jesty of William was now put up at twenty ten-pennies! I run him as high as ten pounds against the brokers; vvhen turning to the clerk I urged him to close the contest : the spirit of the brokers however increasing, I pur- chased the shade of William at double the money ! and holding in triumph the royal legator, thus at last essayed to address Mrs. O'Carol, whose pre- sence liad reminded me of the destruc- tion of his prototype ! " Madam, I now, as you see, possess a fac simile of the bust, wdiich I, in an absent moment, destroyed at Crazy Castle! happy, in- deed, shall I be made, if by your pre- senting it to Mr. O'Carol, I may hope that I am healing tlie infliction, the unintentional infliction of a severe wound:" Here, as the fates made do 173 bones of me, I added to my for- mer aberrations that of mentioning names. I stared Mrs. O'Carol full in the face, but the philosophical lady kept her countenance so admirably, that I began to suspect I had mistaken my object, and that the similarity be- tween the person before me and the real Mrs. O'Carol had caused another mistake. I have little doubt of the interpre- tation the company put upon my con- duct in either case; and I am candid enousrh to acknowledo:e, that it me- rited any comment, however severe they might please to visit it with. I was sufficiently sane to bear away my victory under my arm, and the co- mical little brunette under the other; and the party, headed by Job's better half, proceeded to congratulate him on the acquisition of his Grecian couch. ]7'1 Tlie evening of this eventful day witnessed the mortification of this placid sufferer, upon discovering that liis wife had been duped by the bro- kers, and that the repose she had kindly purchased for him was injured and unfit for use. The comical little brunette, too, missed the scythe of old Time, which diminished the point of her satire, and rendered her bed o'f roses a retreat for the sportive Cupids, unimpaired by the hoary mower, who threatened them in vain. These disappointments were only productive of a laugh, and the unruf- fled tide of the Neverspar disposition maintained it's tranquil flow. Hearing that a troop of horse was expected to land in the course of a day or two at the Pigeon House, in conse- quence of some serious disturbances in the vicinity of Athlone, (O Nora! how, thought I, should I be delighted 175 with a commission even in it's awkward squad !) I proposed that we should wit- ness the landing of the " defence of the country." This challenge heing ac- cepted, I again embraced the bust of the ^' good king," and retiring to my uncaptivating apartments, and my in- surmountable ideas, with every inten- tion to immure my elaborate burden in. all possible safety, I for once con- trived to effect my purpose, and had the gratification of securing him under lock and key, in the excellent society of Milton, and Hector and Andro- mache, until a favourable opportunity should occur to dispatch the cargo to Cavannah's abode. These worthies might, if reanimated for about ten mi- nutes, have been exceedingly enter- taining to each other, particul trly as a great part of the history of the one would be altoo;ether new to the rest and. the various occupations of the 176 whole have prockiced that novelty now so universally admired. I attributed my good conduct of the bust to the circumstance of it's liaving no material analogy to that train of cogitation, wliich might bring Nora Cavannah before my view : and the kind Reader has undoubtedly ob- served, that where I had the exercise of my mind uncontrolled by any ab- stracting and distracting influence of tills SjDccies, I was generally as capa- ble of fair ratiocination as many other persons, who-, affecting a studied atten- tion to the legitimate forms of society, frequently illustrate by their intem- perate measures, that notwithstand- ing their endeavours at a contrary cha- lacter, their true description was still to be found in the words which openly bes cak mine. The gossip of the morning having announced the arrival of the warriors of the sable plume, I called in Mount- 177 joy Square to retrieve the gauntlet I had thrown down, and attend the co- mical little brunette, who was much addicted to sights, and her amiable slender mamma, who from propriety, more than inclination, joined in the peripatetic exercises to the Pigeon House : poor Job still moved but in idea, and I left him on the summit of the Wicklow mountains, enjoying the imaginary splendour of the surround- ing scenery, with much more real sa- tisfaction of countenance than I have seen beaming from the impenetrable lines of many an immovable physiog- nomy, apparently dead to the glories of the creation when actually presented with them. Upon our arrival at the point of disembarkation, we were wonderfully struck with the appearance, then novel, of the military costume, which custom lias now established ; but the first bright of an enormous antique helmet^ I 5 178 overpowered by a waving mass of the blackest horse hair, and confined under the throat of the wearer by a heavy brassy scale; the thick mus- tache on the upper lip, the loose flowing fur pelisse, the blood-coloured panta- loon-overall, the massy chain, the enormous spur, the gorgeous trap- pings of the war-horse, the rich sabre- tache, the embroidered housings, one and all demanded our attention, and excited our surprise. Caesar crossing the Rubicon, and lieading a hostile army on the plains of Pharsalia, might have looked un- commonly fierce at Pompey in this masquerade : but I should as rea- dily have suspected the Pope of apos- tacy, as that a British officer would in the eighteenth century have been partly apparelled in the ornaments of the year 40 B. C. The Spectator tells us, that '* nature 179 designed the head as the cupola to the most glorious of her works;" how fat the ponderous helm of art exhihited the dome to advantage is not or me;, *" an Absent Man,'* to determine. It struck me, that the proportion was de- stroyed, and tlie symmetry lost. How- ever, the comical little brunette de- clared, " it was an extremely pretty dress, and very tasty and camplete.'* I always yielded in matters of taste to the ladies, and would not attempt to argue the point, though I thought at the time, that if I had been inclined to have split upon straws, Mrs. Ne- verspar would have sided with me on the field of battle. Our eyes becoming somewhat re- conciled, as well as our minds made up to t!ic landing of the Romans m the green Isle of Erin, 1 fancied (be- ing now in possession of myself,) that 1 had discovered an intimate friend In 180 the disguise of a successor of the Juhan family. Tasked a soldier, Nvho stood near me, the name of the officer giving direc- tions to the men unladina: the trans- port. He replied, '' Count Vanderhey- deii." This titular addition I could but consider as an antiphrasis. No, no, it was impossible, thought I, that the puny, sickly, good little fellow, who had so often assisted me in rob- bing an orchard, and was constantly on the apothecary's list, could now be transformed into a Count, and at the head of a host of heroes I ** Seeking the bubble reputation E'en in the cannon's mouth." And yet I recollected the face of little Van! the Count! The Count! no, it could not be : yes it was, and I fan- cied, that, if it were deprived for a mo- 181 ment of it's incumbrances, I could trace every feature to it's original im- pression. Pliny says of Ceesar, that he could employ at the same time his ears to listen, his eyes to read, his hand to write, and his mind to dictate ! One of these avocations was as much as I could compass; and I called upon my eyes to read the lines horizontal, dia- gonal, and perpendicular, in the Count's phiz, being as sure that it was the very identical little Van, my school- fellow, as I was confident it could not be he. This anxious suspense was imme- diately removed upon the removal of the Count's helmet, which seemed to be a vast relief to him ! It certainly proved a relief to me, for on the in- stant, the puny orchard robber stood before me ! I flew up to him ; but, be- ing always modest, the little Count ap- palled me, and I stood, not knowing I ia2 whether to retreat or advance. In a dubious medium of uncertainty, the co- mical little brunette, as was her prac- tice, laughed at my evident distress ; and her mamma rebuked her in my hearing, to show that such conduct had not the sanction of her approba- tion. Van in the mean time beheld main a kind of suspended animation; and though my wasted form, the poor remains of a series of shrinking cala- mities, had preserved but little of it's earlier image, his mind, contemplative and premeditative, supplied every defi- ciency of my former outward appear^ ance : he saw me ! he knew me ! he embraced me ! I introduced my long-lost, unex- pectedly recovered playmate, asso- ciate, marshal, Count Vanderheyden, to Mrs, Nevcrspar and the simpering comical little brunette; and he po- litely attended us (leaving the requi-* site, directions, from which we had. 183 averted him, with a confidential ser- geant) on our return to the hospitable mansion of gout and good-nature. The intimacy I have mentioned to have formerly subsisted between us was contracted at that period of hfe, when, as my acknowledged and very w^orthy good friend above quoted tells us, that boys are seen " Creeping like snails unwillingly to school." I need scarcely add, tliat he was of Dutch extraction. His parents had by the ravages of a storm, which encoun- tered and finally subdued their richly freighted vessel on it's passage to this country, been lowered in the scale of monied people, from a state of afflu- ence to that of a comfortable medio- crity. The reserve, however, by manage- ment, was an ample provision; and they learnt from their misfortune to 184 liiisband what remained to them of their shipwrecked treasure. The con- sequence also of this metamorphosis in their golden dreams was, that their children were taught to initiate them- selves in the wiles of this world, where otherwise it's shoals and quicksands might not have been exposed to their view; for rich folk have seldom time for any thing but the expenditure or further accumulation of their coffers: but in this instance " Meliora pii docuere parentea j" and the infants were told, they must one day or other fight for themselves* It appeared, as we proceeded, that in furtherance of this notion, my friend Httle Van, the Count! had, upon quit- ting tlie academical trammels, the re- laxation ofwhichhad, memiserum! ren- dered Ireland within the bounds of my tether, enrolled his name in the volume 185 of Mars, about the same time that I cir listed under the bannersof his all-subdu- ing queen consort! The contrast in the following fortune of the twin satchel- bearers was most oppressive tome, and " 7vlade each particular hair to stand on end." Van, " the Count," young in war, though matured in glory, " bore his blushino- honours thick upon him." I, the " Absent Man," had only con- ducted a fruitless siege: the tnemy had forced me to retreat; I was too much wounded to renew the attack! an aged faithful ally had determined to defend the fortress of his hopes, till the last drop of blood, and my es- calade fell from it's walls, hurled into the dark despair of the circumvalla- tion that skirted the victori ;us battle- ments. The kind Reader has probably ob- served, that throughout the pages of 186 this narrative I have ever been a wholesale dealer in hope; and though I am altogetlier of his opinion, that Iiope without foundation is an " ignis fatuus," that should not be encouraged and pursued, I still think, that the sen- tence of " dum spiro spero" is as good a motto on the dexter side of an Ab- sent Man's shield, as the words " nil desperandum " would prove to the si- nister; and as it is always best to have two strings to our bow, it might not be amiss to have them made af equally durable materials. The anecdotes of a soldier of for^ tune, always amusing, beguiled the way to Dubhn, as far as my punctilio of behaviour would enable iv.e to dis^- cern, by no means unprofitably. Curio- sity now and then interfering with her goggle-eyed distension of pupil, I heard Mrs. Neverspar endeavouring, by all the circuitous inquiries of an inquisitive female, to learn from the. 187 Count if by affinity, or by consangui- nity, he was at all related to the fii- mous Dutch painter, whose appella- tion he carried. A digression of thought upon the comical little brunette's noticing the rays of light darting along the ^yick- low Mountains, forbad our coming into his genealogical succession; and the polite Count immediately declared (in unison with the enraptured Fatima) that the view around him was much superior to any cisalpine scenery he had ever beheld. There was yet, however, one point to be cleared up, before I could wholly persuade myself of tlie identity of Van- derhey<^'en. The assiuKj)tion of " tlie Count" was too mucli for affection to excuse without a s:itisfactory expla- nation. With this onlv remaining; question on my mind, I ventured to beg of little Van to pour forth tUe sources of his ennoblement. 188 The diffident Pangloss says, that " on their own merits, modest men are dumb;" but the awkward, varia- ble, alternate red and white, in the school- boy's face, had by the bronze of time, and thevicissitudes of tempera- ture which it had experienced, become settled into an unblushing, not to say an impudent visage in the Count, and with so'.newhat of secret pride, though no pomp of ostentation, he informed as, (and this was surely not confident,) that fortune had favoured him " in the iiiunincnt deadly breach" of a German fortress. It was he said, in the possession of the French, and had through a series of desperate attacks resisted the united valour of the allied forces; till exhausted in supplies of every kind, and diminished in num- bers as in ammunition, (a corps of the enemy who biv^niacked in some un- suspected entrenchments, having cut off the succours they so urgently re- 189 quired,) it was declared to be imprac- ticable to effect a breach. The j30ssession of the fortress was of the last consequence, not only from present necessity, but with a view to any ulterior operations that might ensue from it; and the surmise that the anticipated relief was destroyed by an insidious antagonist led also to the conclusion, that their destruction must soon follow upon his other success. In this critical situation of things, Vanderheyden volunteered the for- lorn hope! The breach was effected! the fortress surrendered! and the Bri- tish ensign triumphantly waved over the fallen banner of despotic tyranny ! His wounds were considered, he said, to be mortal, and a rapid delirium, oc- casioned at first by the acuteness of his sufierings, deprived him for some weeks of the stnse of pain He then began gradually to recover, and was rewarded for his intrepidity 190 by an honorary distinction, ^vhicll tlie Austrian C'abinet had graciously been pleased to bestow upon him, in the pre- sentation of a collar of a niihtary order. He appeared to be perfectly aware that this badge was merely a thing sui ge- neris, and that it's nominal adoption in this country nmst depend most exclu- sively upon the courtesy of those, who thought proper to count him among their friends. He humorously said, that soldiers were always fond of recurring to scenes rendered in any way memorable by th€ prowess of their officers, and that he expected the dignified title of " Count Vanderheyden " to extend no further than the circle of his own troop, to the command of which he had arisen by the circumstance that so far warranted the title. I was thus gratified to have my doubts so agreeably dissipated, and continued during the remaining part of our interview to Count little Van 191 (who deserved perhaps a more sub- stantial acknowledgment of his ser- vices,) as much as possible. This period was very circumscribed, and all the entreaties of Mrs. Never- spar (the comical little brunette of course had not a word to say, though I fancied she admired the Count, or perhaps his dress) were unavailing; and the society of little Van, the Count, could not upon any terms be obtained for the day. His orders, he said, were preremptory, and must be obeyed, though his inclination suf- fered ; and as the march to Athlone must positively be commenced on the following morning, he requested per- mission to return to the vessel, that his absence might not impede the ne- cessary arrangements. Here then we parted with our Count of the horse-hair crest! but not until (happy presence of mind !) I had re- quested him to convey v/ith his bag- gage, a small parcel to the vicar oi Athlone; to whom, being as well as himself a particular friend of mine, I should be rejoiced to introduce him by letter of recommendation. The sable plume nodding assent, it rapidly vanished from my sight (like an April cloud) at the angular turning of the Square. Neverspar unaffectedly, and with his wonted good-nature, assured me, that he should have been happy to have shaken the Old Roman by tlic hand, if he could have been prevailed upon to liave taken his mutton with him. " You, Sir," said he, pointing to his unwrapped limb, *' must have toasted the exploits at the German fortress !" In this kind of gradual progressive advance, time, *' who steals our years away," passed with us. , I was the alternate sport of expec- tation and despondency, and though 193 though the acute pang of my first ab- sence from Nora was a little softened by the balm of the hoary sage, obli- vion of the past, could not, by all the offices of attention, good-nature, and a constant unreproaching endurance of my failing, which ever welcomed my visits under Neverspar's roof, be commuted into an entire approbation of the present scene : I confess that they had their effect, but not to any mate- rial extent ; and Fatima, though she had now considerably won upon my esteem, heard nothing of my love. Some of my antipathies to the co- mical little brunette yet preserved their original force, though, I must acknowledge, that others were frit- tered away. The image of Xora, which generally interrupted the recurrence of any lucid interval^ was particularly (now that I was about to give it by my let- ters to the view of another) very au- K 194 thoritative at this period ; and as 1 perceived that a fit was coming on, which, niiHtating against the even- ness of my mind, might lead to fur- ther expositions, as unnecessary as lamentable, I quitted the society of my friends for the soHtude in ^\ hich I proposed to make prej)arations for the dispatch of my worthies to Athh)ne. The truth is, that I cherished a fer- vent hope, through the intimacy that subsisted between " the Count" and the *' Absent Man," and by a Httle managen^ent on his part, though I could not dream of much on my own, to revisit, (O healing thought!) the transparent Shannon, and in it's natu- ral mirror ac»ain to behold the reflected form of Cavannah's dark-eyed daugh- ter. I had for a time serious thoughts of assuming the disguise of a Roman warrior ; and thus by taking an intro- duction, written by niyo.vu h.uid, '' in favour of my particular friend," W5 to re-enter the abode oFNora; but 1 feared that this unformed and ronian- tic idea savoured more o'^ theatrical than real accomplishment. I had now so far seceded from a for- mer position of mine, " that the Ca- melion's dish was food for one," as to entertain solid doubts of it's sulli- ciency for two. The Reader may re- member, if not an ".'Absent Man," that I had long ago relinquished my singular indulgence in eels ; i.nd I knew full well by tradition, and by experience, that Cupid was a terribly bad man-cook. Moreover, I felt a rooted conviction, that my Uncle would disinherit me, and of our total abandonment by Arthur Cavannali, should an elopement occur. Here then I paused again, eventually re- solving to confide in my friend Van- derheyden, who, without letting him into the secrecy of my breast, whicli would have been ridiculously intem- K 2 196 perate, I meant to visit, so soon as he should hecome a neighbour of my still-adored Nora. After this conflict of opposite ideas was thus disposed of, I proceeded to procure a packing case, wherein my worthies were to be encompassed: Mil- ton, as the most solid of the party, and the least open to injury from any occasional rubs he might receive, first entered the receptacle prepared for him: Hector and Andromache, en- folded in some loose sheets of Pope's Homer, wore thus again translated, and the lady was granted, as she re- quested, " an early tomb !" ^' The great and good king William" next descended into the envelope, in all the stern majesty of dust and bronze. I dared not to tell him, that he was to be conducted by a Dutchman, lest he should wish to enter upon an histori- cal disquisition with him, on the Orange Societies. Ophelia tells the 197 beauteous majesty of Denmark, '' There's a daisy; I would give you some violets, but they withered all wheu my Father died:" aud I, in hum- ble imitation of this tenderly loving unwitted maid, would have sent Nora some hope, but it vanished all w lien my anchor snapped. Ah ! what an opportunity to v/rite' No letter-sorter! to stand between your love and you: no signature re- quired! no superscription needed ! but if any, addressed under cover to the Cook, to be forwarded by the first conveyance! No burning- v^-ax want- ing to make an impression ! Patience, gentle Reader ! I did write of course, but as a punishment for your suspicion that I did not, you shall never hear a word of the letter. By the time that " the iron -tongue of midnight had tolled twelve/' T had completed my laborious undertaking; and considerino; that Nora rather in- 198 terrnpted me in it's dose, I got through with it much sooner than I had any reason to expect I should. With what kind of repose I \vas fa- voured, as a reward for my trouble, the Reader is aheady well enough ac- quainted with my nocturnal vagaries to conjecture without farther remark. I certainly rejoiced in theday-spriug, aiid, upri?jiiig from my tumbled couch, caught the precious casket in my arms, and ran out to meet Vanderheyden, whose brazen clarions bespoke his near approach ! '* The glorious chief resumes His tow'iy helmet^ bluck v.itb shading plum es !" takes my resolution to visit him, my close-packed worthies, my letters cf rcconur.tndation, ai:d my adieu! I returned to my tender-hearted lam! lady, with the loss of my right eye, like the Calendars in the Arabian 199 Night's Entertainments, or not to amplify misfortune, the deprivation of it's exercise, from the effect of the dust raised by the trample of the retreating power of Vanderheyden's coursers. This very good woman had by a kind of pseudodiploma, originating, as I once foolishly thouglit n^y reintro- daction at C'avannab's might have donejn the proper hand- writing of the person concerned ; and deriving every eontingent advantage, arising from an unim peached practice in the seve- ral mysteries of phar^nacy. through a long series of years; attained as her bright re\\ard the high fauic, which established her as the Queen of Cliar- latans. Far be it from iuq to breathe the breath of calumny on a reputation so deservedly exalted: but, when I tell the Reac'er, that tlie jNIajesty of Quacks had Oi.e fair book, as insepa- rable from her as lier heart-strings, and that tliis said, book v/as *' the Dis- 200 pensatory !" I shall lea\c him to form his own conclusions upon her science in physic. However, she was not en- tirely bound by this inestimable vo- lume: there were many extraneous vegetable preparations, decoctions, concoctions, syrups, acids, herbal ab- (hictions, and draughts in every sense cordial, of which this good doctress was complete mistress, and adminis- tered with the most unqualified suc- cess. Amongst other never-failingapplica- tions, she possessed at the head of the list '^ an infallible eye-water!" It sig- nified but little in what manner the organ of sight should be impeded in it's usual functions, whether injured by a blow, by cold, by heat, by tlie flight of a swarm of gnats, by the ef- fect of a concealed lash, by the punc- ture of a busy fly, or by the lodg- ment of subtle dust; her art was su- perior to any accidental calamity of 20i any kind, and her eye-water subdued every otherwise irreducible inflamma- tion. The painful state of my swollen optics attracted her majesty's notice, and produced, as soon as she had exa- mined into the cause of my suffering, and blamed me for not seeing the dati- ger in which I was, (which by the b}" spoke for itself) a pint bottle of " tlie finest eye water ever yet discovered!" She had the receipt, slie told me as she applied the collyrium, from a maiden aunt, who was a little known for her skill in medicine, but not so celebrated as herself; Vv^ho had it from her grand- father, who practised in Gonnauglit, Avho had it from his maternal uncle, who was nephev/ to a famous phy- rician, v/ho reigned with undivided prosperity in the court of Queen Anne cf England ! She added, to this enor- mous pedigree, that she had derer- mined, upon coming into possession of K 5 20^ the receipt, *'a fortune for any one," never to advertise the cure; that she distributed the eve-watt^r gratis amongst the poor in great abundance; and that she hoped, when her eyes were closed, her successor would con- tinue to do the same. ^ I derived not more than half the in- formation she intended me by this summary history, owing to the acute sting that accom|;anied the applica- tion; but injustice to my landlady, who was r^lly a well-meaning woman, though no witch ! I certainly should add, that from some cause or other, I recovered the temporary failure of my right eye in a fi^w days, but it opened upon a scene of misery, Avhich it had been better far for mc, that the dust had concealed for ever! Before I unfold the page of distress, I must presume, that the logical Rea- dier flatters himself, he has caught me tripping, in a palpable, egregious error 203 of representation, by my heaping the unnecessary indignities of a deal pack- ing case upon the head of tl=e substi- tute for tlie calcined king, wlien the O'Carofs themselves were in Dubhn, and would have taken him into their custody; but if I could impart to him half the horror I experienced at the bare idea of ever seeing them again, or putting it iu their power by any ci- vility of mine, to renew theirs, he would readily acknowledge, that the exposure of an *' Absent Man" in an auction-room filled with 'elegant com- pany, and which was principally caus- ed by their presence, was an adequate excuse for the employment of Cavan- riali in the presentation of the bust. It v/as a satisFactory apolv^gy with me, and I did not set out with any idea of pleasing " a logical reader." But to the scene that greeted my opening eye: it was in the form of a let- ter in Cavannah's vvriting : it bore the. 204 Athlone post-mark: "'twas strange, 'twas passing strange." I have it now, and shall ever keep it while life is preserved to me ! Having come to an open rupture with my close enemy, " Fyn-segellak- well- brand en-vast-houd," 1 read, gen- tle Reader, (judge for yourself of my emotions, as I pored again and again, over the foul blots on a skin so fair !) I read, I say, as follows : ** Dear Sir, " Fearing that you may, through the information of Mrs. O'Ca- rol, who is resident in Dubhn, have ];eard of the alteration in the deport- ment of my dear child, I am anxious to give you particulars, upon which you may rely as genuine. ^* It^would be ridiculous in me to af- fect an ignorance of the passion you entertained for Nora,j or to deny that she once met your advances with an 205 encouraging approbation. Her grief at your departure was too evident for concealment ; and were any further proof necessary, it would appear from her subsequent conduct, which has as- sumed a vacancy of manner so coequal with your separation from her, that nothing but love could effect it. A total indifference to the objects before her, and a general abstraction of thought, have succeeded her once lively and unaffected behaviour; and where I fondly expected the so- lace of my few remaining days, I look in vain for a single expression of the love that promised it. " Her days are passed in futile, inco- herent employments : now will she, imder the shadow of our turene pop- lars, weave a chaplet of poppies, and ^leadly night-shade, calling it • sweet V/illiamr and now sit by the hour together, on the banks of the Shan- 206 non, and read Romeo and Juliet with the book turned tlie vvrona end upper- most! She has little app(:'trte for any food except eels, on vvhiel) slie prin- cipally lives; and which 1 think ex- tremely prejudicial to her health. " Her apothecary increases my la- mentation, shy assuring me that the whole materia medica would not acce- lerate the recovery of her former calm- ness, which he says the healing hand of time can aloue restore. **It is some what singular, that although you were undoubtedly tlie j)rimary party to her aberration, she has of late never mentioued your name, or any circumstance that led to the most re- mote belief that you still en2:ao;ed her varied, or varying thoughts: and I am in constant alarm lest by any unex- pected event, the sight of a person to whom she has not been accustomed, may lead to a repetition of those 207 dreadful wanderings, which, within this day or two, have been somewhat tranquillized *' I have been thus explicit, niv dear Sir, in order that I might the better introduce my very earnest wislies, and most unconditional injunctioiis, that you may not, either out of friendship for me, or any hope of restorino- my daughter to her usual temperament, be induced, upon receipt ot this, to aftbrd us any personal condolence ; and most positively to require your absence on the grounds I have before stated to you, feeling confdent that your presence would, by leading my poor Nora into additional deviations, be planting another, an(i a sharper dag- ger in my breast. "As you value the commands of one, who, though he bears you no enmity, must also protect a daughter's peace, so act; and I hope your discrimination, 208 aided by a sense of propriety, which in such a case ouglit not to be overba- lanced by any other consideration, will ensure yiir own quietude, while it materially assists mine. '* 1 should have given you these mournful particulars some long time back, but that I hoped until Mrs. O'Carol's arrival in Dublin became know to me, to have kept them from you altogether ; her developement, if not embellishment of facts, I then de- termined to meet, for a story is seldom repeated in it's original authenticity. " I regret that I am obliged to close my letter, already prominent in sor- row, with a lamentable addition of your worthy Uncle's serious indispo- sition, the news of which reached me this morning. My esteem for him could only be excelled by the grief I should most sincerely feel at an oc- currence I will not anticipate; it is 209 sufficient to meet our misfortunes when they assail us, without enduring their sting in embryo. *' Believe me, my clear Sir, though cir- cumstances may not appear to autho- rize the term, **Your faithful friend. ** Arthur Cavanntah.*' Here then, Reader, was a trial for an " Absent Man," who having barely reason enough to compass the fact, was given to understand, that his want of it had occasioned a similar depri- vation in the mind of one, w^ho had heretofore robbed him of it's exertion; told too, that he must not visit her — her, Nora! on pain of the complicated penalty of her own distraction, and her father's indignation! and told too that his Uncle Singlestick had son^.c idea of speedily seeing " ThiU undiscovered couritry, from whose bourn No tnivcUer returns.'' 210 This was not all ! the identical circuin- f lance of which Cavannah was appre- hensive, was about, by the operation of mine own hand, to occur. Had I no^ written in legible characters g. letter of introduction to him? Vanderheyden liad accepted the better ; and was there any doubt that Cavannah woidd read the letter? No, no; not any, not any : this then was an incontrovertible syllogism ; and a person to whost- sii>ht Nora was unac- customed, was now at this perilous moment on the road to — No, no ! r.onsense ! blind, ridiculous hope ! he was positively at Athlcme! in tiie bar- racks, or in tlie stables of the barracks at Athlone! His alibi was out of all question impossible! and I covered my confusion in a clean white pocket- handkerchief, which 1 kept in my hand, as young ladies do who wit- ness tragedies, against v.v.y attack ^11 of ophthalmia! A cold clilll ibl- io wed 1 In my agitation, Nora's apothecary, " an aUigator stuffed, and other skins of ill shaped fislies," swam across my brain! I instantly rang the bell: it was not answered. It happened to be an Orange anniversary, and tlie maid was gone to see tlie show ; hut the apo- thecary in petticoats soon appeared: I begged her to mix an opiate with all speed, and bring it to mc. Queen Elizabeths modesty, wheti upon the victorious destruction of tlie Spanish Armada, she chose for the motto of her commemorative medal, the simple and ditiident inscription of " Afflavit Deus et dissipantur," was not superior to the unostentatious be- haviour of the Queen of Charlatans upon her reccimmendation of some home-made extract of poppies, in pre- ference to the use of the Turkish spe- cies of poppy-juice, which she alw:ays 212 considered excessively deleterious, and caused a hurried sleep. I consented to take any thing, and every thing in her medicine chest, to procure oblivious moments of repose. She returned with a phial, and left me: the lady of Macbeth might have called it " Proper stuff!" I thought it was proper, and fixed the glassy substance to my lips. I passed the night in the sweetest sleep imaginable, and had every rea- son to be satisfied with my physical landlady's nice and efficacious discri- mination between opium and Irish poppy- juice. I was, however, but in a very slight degree restored, before a fresh cala- mity, for which Cavannah's conclu- ding sentence had in some measure pre- pared me, awaited my perusal. 213 I shall only laconically inform my Reader, should I have one, that I re- ceived intelligence from a near neigh- bour, and intimate acquaintance of my Uncle Singlestick, of his rapid de- cline ; that he was subject to occa- sional fits of apoplectic plethora, which had been increasing upon him, since the death of his favourite old horse, and that considerable fears were enter- tained, that his dissolution was not very distant. He had been, he said, desired by my Uncle, to inform his Nephew of the change that had already taken place, and of the still farther altera- tion he shortly expected, and to en- treat him, should circumstances not render his departure from Ireland par- ticularly oppressive, to take his final blessing, ere he quitted the world for ever. (Here my affection got the bet- ter of me, and the tears that flowed 214 for my Uncle, moistened the words he liad dictated.) My correspondent pmceeded to sug- gest, that as in ail possibility the Ne- verspar family would wish to revisit their comfortable home at Placid Hall, ])efore the approach of winter should impede tlieir progress to it, I might by chance contriv^e to accompany them in their journey; and c mcluded, by begging of me to deliver my Un- cle's aifectionate remembrance, and farewell to his esteeincd friends; and his lamentation at being in too weak a state to address them by his own hand. With all my follies, of which alas! there has been ample proof, I yet maintained a small share of pristine feeling : and I could not reflect upon the expected loss of my Uncle, though distance had lately separated uS; v;:th- ©ut emotion. n5 It rnny perhaps be imagined, that I was layino- the fouiKlation of somfr subsequent operations on the stone of my Uncle's tomb; and that wJiatever regret I might leel at the first idea of his decease wouhl quickly be coii- vertcd into tbe channel of joy at his final dissolution. I protest, however, against an acknowledgment of such sentiments, because I feel a radical conviction, that I was not in any mea- sure actuated by their influence. My grief was genuine, and it"s excuse, had it needed any, affection ! In what page have I informed my Reader of Neverspar's amendment? Let me see — no — not there — no, nor any where. Here then the " Absent Man," is caught ! I shall not apologize for the omis- sion, holding in mind my original po- sition of the impracticability of unerr- ing details, from a pen that must of 216 course be as absent as it's guide: the guide and the pen may suffer, but can- not beg pardon. < However, it may be as well to mend the matter a httle, and upon second thoughts, by which tliere will be no- thing lost, mention, that the visitor of my friend Job, not finding so hos- pitable a reception, as, from the known liberality and good nature of his pa- tient, he was taught to anticipate, had in utter despair of wrinkling his brow, or hearing the bitter language he usually experienced wherever he went, left the sofa of his unconquered'host, and retired amid the ridicule of the laughing Victor, and the pleasant sal- lies of JMrs. Neverspar and the comi- cal little brunette — The comical little brunette ! Yes, certainly, she was still the comical little brunette; but as certainly, she was not the same comical little brunette, whose round awkward shoulders at first sii^ht shocked me so 217 terribly, that is to say, she was uncom- monly improved, Fatima had one qua- lification, which it might be well, were it set up as an example, if many young ladiesof my acquaintance would follow: She was always the same, always good- natured, always aifable, always charita- ble, and consequently never peevish, never uncivil, never severe: there was an evenness of dis})Osition in Fatima, which might fairly be balanced against the beauty of other persons, who might in this point be deficient : I shall not say how the scale would prepon- derate. Thesympathctic coincidence of ideas is perfectly astonishing; this has been shown by the various likes and dis- likes, that at one and the same period attacked Nora and the '' Absent Man." You heard of his partiality for eels, at the time Nora would eat no other animal food. You heard of his pleasure in Romeo and Juliet, at the time Nora L 218 would read it constantly, though per- liaps the position of the book might be reversed : and, though it may appear still more singular, at the very identical point of time, when my poor Uncle Singlestick's friend undertook to ad- vise for me a passage to England, the Neverspars were contemplating the scenery of Placid Hall. I learnt at the time that I missed the gouty chair, and all the imple- ments used in support of the gout, which, though a treasonable subject, must never be put down, that plans were in agitation, to give up the beau- ties and elegancies of Ireland for the more substantial comforts of dulce domum I and indeed the comical lit- tle brunette was in the act of packing up her young gentleman on the don- key led by the old gentleman in ad- vance, as i rapped at the door to give the sad tidings, with which I was com- missioned by my Uncle's friend. This 219 mournful intelligence accelerated Job's movements, for now be could move; and be declared be would sail for Holjbead witb tbe first fair wind. I now became plunged in a predica- ment by far tbe most complex tbat I ever endured; learning on one side, that Nora was only a few removes from literal distraction; (Alas! it was no longer figurative!) and on the other, that my Uncle wished for me in the chamber of death, at the time when my presence in Ireland was tbe only, and that the most remote, chance of my ever again beholding the dark eye of Cavannah's daughter. Dutv called me in all the pathetic appeals a dying- relation could furnish to repair to England! Love prompted me, in all the silent rhetoric of Nora's flashing gaze, to remain at Dublin ! Duty de- manded my continued residence tliere! Love, through tlie m.eans of Vander- heyden, went yet further, and whis- l2 220 pcred a faintly caught hope, that I mio-ht ao-ain veo;etate at Athlonel Jealousy, (O beware of jealousy!) rankled in my breast, when I recol- lected that the Count would be the unaccustomed one. O, nautical Reader! if you are not indignant at the idea of waiting for a fair Avind for Holyhead (remember that as the Neverspars were not to carry the mail, there could be noharm in getting across the channel pleasantly,) pilot my love-sick bark into any haven you can. The mental storm has shipwrecked my ideas ! my an- chor is carried away! I sink hopeless! and my rudder floats on the hiilows of anarchy ! - Here I muat pause awhile, my passions having led me a little into the bowers of romance, and ef- fected in their absolute sway some slight deviation from the plain unvar- nished style of the prior pages of this narrative, wherein I ha^-e atten^.pted 221 to depict simply what I fell, and how I acted as an " Absent Man." I can now go on to state, that as I ■was thus tormcntingly occupied, the Neverspars were pursuing their in- tention of a speedy adieu to the Sons of Erin, by every previous measure their activity coukl supply. I grieve, to add, that the enviable mirth I ever admired, as twin possessor with good- nature, in the even paths of Job*s mind, had gradually lost their wonted zest, from the time he heard of my Uncle Sinoflestick's decline. I ima- gined, that he regretted, in addition to this circumstance, that the wishes of his friend, with regard to the mar- riage of his daughter, remained wholly unfulfilled, and that the grave would, for all he could divine, close upon my Uncle's mortal remains ere they should be accomplished ! A train of thought, cheerless and unusual, had evidently clouded the h 3 222 late jocund countenance of Never- spar : Mrs Xeverspar saw it, and la- mented it, but tvjok every precaution to avoid Job's consideration of it's ef- fects, by diverting him in a way pe- culiarly likely to dissipate his care, because, though she fully witnessed the distress, and felt for the cause of her iiusband's disquietude, she never suffered him to see that she was aware -of it. Fatima was certainly, though a co- mical little brunette, a girl of no com- mon mental ability: she was always superior to any untoward circum- stances, and in proportion as any point of difficulty in which she was engaged increased, her happy dispo- sition arose above the level of it's temporary depression. There was, at the period of prepa- ration for her family's departure, a _look of regret in Fatima's countenance, which I had not before regarded: It 223 could not be for my Uncle Singlestick 1 It could not be for the Count ! whom she had only seen for an hour or two, and scarcely mentioned since ! It could not be for parting with the de- lio-hts of Dublin! which contained only one intiinate acquaintance, and that an " vXbsent Man !" It could not be for the loss of that Absent Man' and yet it certainly was regret of some sort or other ! I myself felt much concern at the approaching loss of my kind and for- giving friends, in whose society I had been so frequently relieved from my own. I was asked to accompany them ; even Fatima said my Uncle would expect to see me; but, alas! how was I to act ! I knew not : I was in the dreadful state of suspense and anxiety of a person, who, knowing that " there is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood leads on to fortune," knew not in what 224 direction to steer on the opposing current: it served but one way, there were two contrary channels! Thus situated, I beUevcd the Ne- verspars to be on the very point of embarkation ! I could not take leave of them! they had quitted their house, and v/ere at a hotel in Dawson Street, and an opportunity was offered me on the preceding day of a final adieu, in this laconic note from Ne- verspar: "Off to morrow!"' but my spirits forbad the interview ! At this precise period, the crisis ! the climax of every thing interesting! 1 found on my table another dispatch from Arthur Cavannah ! the contents I shall insert without comment: in- deed all observation would be super- fluous on materials, that bring their explanation with them. The letter was written in an evi- dent state of agitation, for which in- deed it's contents most fullv account- 225 ed. It began by stating in the most af- fectionate terms, that as I had beeli somewhat apprised in a former sheet of the melancholy alteration in his dear daughter, I should now, Cavan- nah hoped, receive the further rela- tion of it's consequences, with which he felt it to be his duty to furnish me, v/ithout blaming him for insist- ing on my continued absence from Athlone. He proceeded to inform me, that since his last communication, every symptom of a total absence, and aliena- tion of mind, of which he was then apprehensive, had increased: and that his poor Nora, acting in direct oppo- sition to every dictate of reason and common sense, would continually wander into the regions of romance : she would take nothing that was not, as she fancied, presented by the hand of her true knight! and as the instances were very rare, in which the act and 226 the ideas M^re in unison with each other, she had, several times, been on the point of starvation! Her attitudes became as inconsistent as her thoujrhts, and she would often sit sideways on the lounging chair in the library, and declare, that her iiery- footed steed would soon canter her to the entrance porch of her William's castle! then she would be heard shriekinor aloud, and desiring the maid to take the portcullis from her head, '* it pressed so hard.*' Sometimes, said Cavannah, she would nurse her favourite Je- mima, the beautiful white cat, in her lap, and sing, in broken melodies, " for bonny sweet William is all "^y joy •" then suddenly throw her from her embrace and cry out, ** hence, loathed Melancholy! of Cer- berus, and blackest Midnight born!" These terrible and distressins: ramb- lings continued, he said, for a few days, and were then followed by a £27 complete derangement of his daugh- ter's faculties. The apothecary, who attended her, urged in the strongest terms the absolute necessity of a gentle treat- ment, as the last hoj3eof her recovery: he had declared her to be insane, but considered, that as the cause of the temporary relaxation of her mind was too evident to be mistaken, it's un- fortunate effect would not be perma- ment. She remained, however, said Ca- vannah, although in a tranquil, yet positively in a lost state of intellec- tual discernment for three whole days and nights; at the close of which pe- riod, his delighted ears were assailed with the well-known accents of '* dear father :" a debilitated frame had, he said, rendered any exertion of utter- ance excessiv^ely fatiguing, and he would not suffer her to finish the sen- tence. 228 Cavannali next commenced a dis- quisition on the various effects that ensued from an insanity occasioned by love, and said,that if the patient escaped danger from her own hand, which sad infliction he was happy to think v/as not much to be apprehended, it not unusuallyhappened that the veryobject, by which her mental stream had been diverted from it's right course, would, upon her recovering the former chan- nelsof reason, immediately become the very bane of her happiness ; and that frequently a person thus circumstanced considered the recollection of her for- mer love as the only drawback upon her present joy, and consequently ba- nished it for ever from her thouo-hts. He proceeded to acknowledge the receipt of the package, and said, he had sent his Majesty to Crazy Castle : that he had read my letter, expressing in such handsome terms my opinion of Captain Vanderheyden with much 229 personal disquietude, as he had felt it to be impossible, situated as he was to take that notice of him, which the laws of hospitality, and the impulse of his own mind, would in any other case have prompted him to have done; but under existing circumstances he had contributed his utmost to prevent the occurrence of a calamity, of which he had long been apprehensive from the peculiar state of his daughter's mind, in case she should in her deli- cate condition obtain a sight of a per- son she had been unaccustomed to see. His efforts had therefore since the arrival of Vanderheyden, whose gor- geous trappings were so alluring, been principally directed to the conceal- ment of his dauo'hter ! Alas! conti- nued he, ** Nora was more than a match for me !'' your counterfeit friend, attended with his 11:1 en the ser- vice of our parish church: I was ob- M 230 liged to do my duty there, and left the strictest orders I could express, that, as I could not do it at home at the same time, Nora might by no means be permitted to leave the house. I knew that if I had taken her with me, the danger would have been great: but, alas! it ended in the same way, and to my inexpressible grief and astonishment my daughter delibe- rately walked into her pew, just as I commenced, "when the wicked manT' The accommodation allotted to themi- litary was immediately opposite, and you may form your own notions of my agitation. " I will not dwell upon a subject which causes more grief in the relation, than you can possibly suffer in the perusal of it, and circumscribe the catastrophe as much as my convulsed frame of mind will allow me. ** I saw that the fatal glance had been given ! my Nora's eye was ri- 231 veted on the embroidery of the un- accustomed one ! It was love at first sight! it was precisely what I had dreaded ! My active watchfulness never slept subsequently, till the curtain of night had drawn it's veil over my fears. ^' Vandcrheyden was notoriously smitten! He, your false deceitful friend, sought every subterfuge witiiin the reach of man to enter my house. I pursued every invention a zealous pa- rent could devise, to throw obstacles in the way, and combat his ingenuity. 1 saw through his plot, and baffled for a length of time his artifices, till (to close my sad tale) this esteemed friend this honourable Captain Vandcrhey- den! This robber — this — Oh ! what epithet can express my indignation : this Count ! stole my Nora in the dead of night ! and with her my only solace in this afflicting world. 232 " I can no more, farewell! Your Uncle's blessing attend you ever !" The shock of an earthquake, gentle Reader! was calmness to my feelings, as the communication dropped from my nervous hand. I had but one step to take; that step brought me to the packet ! and I embarked with the Neverspars at last! " England, with all thy faults I love thee still.'' THE END. ^enslev, and Sen, Bolt Court, Ficet Street, London, >-^^ HOME USE CIRCULATION DEPARTMENT MAIN LIBRARY This book is due on the last date stamped below. 1-month loans may be renewed by calling 642-3405. 6-month loans may be recharged by bringing books to Circulation Desk. Renewals and recharges may be made 4 days prior to due date. ALL BOOKS ARE SUBJECT TO RECALL 7 DAYS AFTER DATE CHECKED OUT. ^^'"'U 1975 3 2 KEC'P C I LD21— A-40to-5,'74 (R8191L) General Library University of California Berkeley f. THE UNIVERSITY OF CAUFORNIA LIBRARY :^^ )^^i