THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 RIVERSIDE
 
 DRAMATISTS OF THE RESTOKATION. 
 
 TATHAM.
 
 Printed for Suhscribers only. 
 
 450 copies Small Paper. 
 150 „ Large Paper. 
 30 . „ Whatman's Paper. 
 
 3 „ Vellum.
 
 THE DRAMATIC 
 
 WORKS OF J II N T A T H A M. 
 
 WITH INTRODUCTIONS AND NOTP^S. 
 
 INIDCCCLXXIX. 
 
 EDINBURGH : WILLIAM PATERSON. 
 LONDON : H. SOTIIERAN .V- CO.
 
 ?/■ 
 
 ■T>73 
 
 |<?1f 
 
 MI'RKAV AND GIBB, EDINllURGH, 
 PRINTERS TO HER MAJESTY'S STATIONERY OFFICE.
 
 o 
 
 THIS VOLUME IS DEDICATED, 
 
 IN ALL SINCEHITY AND AFFECTION, 
 
 TO 
 
 THEODORE MARTIN, ESQ., C.B., 
 
 ETC. ETC. ETC. 
 
 BY 
 
 THE EAllHEST FUIENDS OF HI.S YOUTH, 
 
 THE EDITORS.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 
 
 PAGE 
 
 iNTltODUCTORY NOTICE, 
 
 
 ix 
 
 Love Crowns the End, 
 
 
 1 
 
 The Distracted State, 
 
 
 88 
 
 The Scotch Figgaries, 
 
 
 111 
 
 The Rump, . 
 
 
 189 
 
 The Character of the 
 
 Rump, 
 
 285 
 
 London's Glory, 
 
 
 293
 
 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 
 
 Of John T>itliain, the author of the present plays, etc., 
 veiy little is known. He is characterised in the Bioijraphia 
 Dramatka as City Poet, and undoubtedly was the author 
 of the Lord Mayor's Pageants from 1657 until 1664. 
 
 Granger, however, in his Biofjrapliical History of Eng- 
 land, vol. iv. (a work of immense literary value, although 
 seemingly not yet recognised), remarks thus in reference 
 to the engraved portrait of our poet : — 
 
 " ' John Tat ham,' says Winstanley, 'was one whose muse 
 began to bud with his youth, wliich produced early lilossoms 
 of not altogether contemptible poetry,' of which he has 
 given us 'a taste' in the following lines. The author 
 addresses himself in the person of Momus — 
 
 ' How now, presumptuous lad ! think'st thou that we 
 Will be disturb'd with this thy infancy 
 Of wit? 
 
 Or does thy amorous thoughts beget a flame 
 (Beyond its merits) for to coiirt the name 
 Of poet ? Or is't common now-a-days 
 Such slender wits dare claim such things as baj's ?' 
 
 " However strange it may seem, it is certain that he did 
 ' claim such things ; ' and, what is more striinge, his claim 
 was readily admitted. He has been erroneously called Cify 
 Poet, and was deemed a worthy forerunner of Settle. He 
 undoubtedly wrote panegyrics u])on two Lord flavors (in 
 the reign of Charles ii.), in whose estimation they were as 
 ijood rhymes, and probably pleased as much, as if they 
 had been written by Waller himself. He was author of 
 several plays, most of which were published before the 
 Restoration."' 
 
 This short notice, by " W. Eichardson," is referable to 
 the engraved portrait mentioned in Granger thus :^ 
 
 "John T.vtham, jioet ; an anoni/mous fiend, over which 
 
 h
 
 X INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 
 
 two Cupids hold a croion of laurel. Underneath are these 
 verses — 
 
 ' Here is noe schisme, the judging eye may see 
 In every line a perfect harmony, 
 And love and beauty, for soe great a gi-ace 
 Joy in theire lovely Reconciler's face. — C. R.' " 
 
 This engi-aved portrait is by no means " an anonymous 
 head," as the copy in our possession distiuctlj' announces it 
 as "John Tatham." 
 
 Mr. Fairliolt, in his Lord Mayor s Pageants, printed for 
 the Percy Society in 1843, says : "As I have set inyself the 
 task of compiling this book, I have endeavoured to do it 
 worthily ; and I have visited every accessible library to get 
 together extracts from all the pageant-pamjihlets that were 
 published, but their great rarity, and the impossibility of 
 getting at all, has foiled my attempt at thorough complete- 
 ness." 
 
 The same may be said of Tatham's Pageants. With the 
 exception of that which we now reprint, London^ s Triumph, 
 celebrated October 29, 1659, and of which Mr. Fairliolt 
 observes, "I have not been able to see a copy," they are 
 difficult to assemble together, if copies of all exist. 
 
 He wrote the City Pageants for eight years, all of which 
 were, with one exception, named London^s Triumph. 
 
 The pageant of 1657 was in honour of Sir Richard Chiver- 
 ton, of the Skinners' Company, who was mayor. That of 
 1658 was produced for the mayoralty of Sir John Ireton, of 
 the Clothworkers' Company. The Lord Mayor of 1659 was 
 Thomas Aleyu. 
 
 The year 1660 was that of the Restoration of Charles the 
 Second, when Tatham, in accordance with the subject of 
 the times, produced his pageant of The Royal Oak, which 
 Mr. Fairliolt has reprinted in his book. 
 
 The London's Triumph of 1661 was the complimentary 
 pageant of the mayor, Sir John Frederick, of the Grocers' 
 Company. His Majesty, who had been enrolled as a mem- 
 ber of this Company, was present at the show, and one of tlie 
 characters, Galatea, thanked him in their name, wishing he 
 might " outniu a century of years." 
 
 In \^(J2 London's Triumph, "presented in .severall delight- 
 ful scenes, both on water and land," was produced for the 
 mayoralty of Sir John Robinson, of the Clothworkers' Com- 
 pany.
 
 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. XI 
 
 Lomliiium Triumphant, or London's Triumph, lor Sir 
 Anthony Bateman, of the Skinners' CouiiJany, was the 
 pagL'iint of 1663. 
 
 The last of Tatham's productions — tliat of 1664 — was in- 
 vented to do honour to "the truly deserving of honour, Sir 
 John Laurence, Kniglit," of the Haberdashers' Company. 
 A speech was addressed to the King, who was present, 
 beginning ; 
 
 " Pardon, not praise, great Monarch, we implore, 
 For showing you no better sights, nor more. 
 We hope your Majesty vnW not suppose 
 You're with your Jonsons or your Inigoes ; 
 And though you make a court, you're in the city, 
 Whose vein is to be humble, though not witty. " 
 
 Evelyn has recorded that on this occasion "he din'd at 
 Guildhall, at the upper table. My Lord Mayor came twice 
 up to us, first drinking in the golden goblet his Majesty's 
 health, then the French King's, as a compliment to the 
 Embassador [Conimines, who was present] ; then we return'd 
 my Lord ^layor's health, trumi)ets and drums sounding. 
 The cheer was not to be imagined for the plenty and raritie, 
 with an infinite number of persons at the rest of the tables 
 in that ample luill." 
 
 The great fire and the plague for the five years following 
 caused the accustomed pageantry to be in some degi-ee 
 abandoned. 
 
 Thomas Jordan, who v.as a comedian of some popularity, 
 succeeiled Tatham as City Poet. 
 
 Mr. Fairholt, in the introduction to his leprint of the 
 pageant of The Royal Oak, remarks of Tatham : " From a 
 perusal of his plays, he appears to be chielly renuirkable 
 for his loyalty, and his hatred of the Scotch." He further 
 .says in his notes, (juoting the word " pentioners " (in the 
 original this is misprinted petitioners), "1 may here notice 
 that the pageant seems to have been carelessly printetl 
 throughout, which, added to Tatham's incompetency as a 
 writer or grammarian, occasionally nuikes such havoc of the 
 'King's English' that his meaning is sometimes obscured." 
 Of this "incompetency" our readers are left to judge for 
 themselves. 
 
 Such of Tatham's works as are in the liritish Musinmi 
 are as follows : — 
 
 Fancies Theatre, 1640.
 
 Xll INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 
 
 Mirrour of Fancies (another edition of the siuiie), 1657. 
 
 Ostella, 1650. 
 
 The Dldrndtd State, 1651. 
 
 Scots Fifigaries, 1652. 
 
 London's Triumph (Richard Chiverton, Lord Mayor), 
 1657. 
 
 London's Triumph (Sir John Ireton, Lord Mayor), 1658. 
 
 London's (?Zo?-*/— Entertainment of Oharle.s ii., 1660. 
 
 The Royal Oak (Sir Robert Brown, Lord Mayor), 1660. 
 
 The Jhimp, 1660. 
 
 Bo. 2d edition, 1661. 
 
 London's Triumphs (Sir John P'rederick, Lord Mayor), 
 1661. 
 
 Af/ua. Triumphalis, 1662. 
 
 London's Triumph (Sir John Laurence, Lord Mayor), 
 1664. 
 
 Knavery in all Trades is ranked among Tatham's dramatic 
 pieces, both in Rhode's Catalogue and the Bibliographer's 
 Manual, biit it is exceedingly questionable whether he had 
 any hand in it, after his long experience, it being a very 
 feeble production. The Biographia Dramatica thus notices 
 it :— 
 
 "Knavery in all Trades, or The Coffee House. Com. Anon. 
 4to, 1664. This play was acted by a company of London 
 apprentices in the Christmas holidays, and, as it is said in 
 the title page, with gi'eat applause. Tliis applause, however, 
 was probably no more than their own self-approbation, it 
 being a xi^ry indifferent performance, and not entitled to 
 .success in any one of the regular theatres." 
 
 The pageant we now reprint, which appears to be the 
 rarest of them all, is from a copy preserved at Edinburgh 
 in the library of the Faculty of Advocates. 
 
 JAMES MAIDMKNT. 
 W. H. LOG.\N. 
 
 25 Royal Circus, 
 Edixbubgh, mill Not: 1878.
 
 LOVE CROWNS THE END.
 
 Love Crouites the End. A Pastoral I j>r<'xe)it((l ht/ the 
 SrhollceH [.s/>] of Bhigham, in the County of Notinijham, in 
 the yearclQ'S'I. Written fnj Jo. Tatham, Gent. " Sed opti-f 
 docere virtun." London : Printnl % /. N. for Bichard 
 Jiext, and are to he sold at }(i.< shop, neere Graycs-Iiine-ijat.e. 
 in. Holhornc. 1640.
 
 INTKODUCTOEY NOTICE. 
 
 This pastoral is not of itself insm-ibed to any one. Biblio- 
 j^Tiiphically, Love Crowns the End, although with a separate 
 title-page, is continuous of Tatham's Fancie's Theatre, of 
 the same ilate, 1(540, which is dedicated to Sir John Winter. 
 This is followed by the author's verses " to the honor'd 
 patron of his book," "Fancie to the Header," and ver.ses 
 to the author, severally signed by K. Bronie, Tiio. Nabbes, 
 <". G., Geo. Lynn, Robert ('Iianiberlaine, H. Davison, James 
 Jones, William Barnes, Tho. Kawlins, An. Kewport, R. 
 Pynder, and W. Ling. 
 
 Fancie's Theatre ends with signature I, and Love Croirn.'^ 
 the End begins .-.t K ; but there is no pagination to either. 
 
 It is thus titled : " The Fancie's Theater, by Jolin Tathani, 
 Gent, llorat. : 
 
 " * Quod si me Lyricis vatibus inseris, 
 Sublinii feriani sidera vertice.' 
 London : Printed by John Xorton, for Richard Best, and 
 are to be sold at liis shop, neere Grayes-Inne Gate in llol- 
 bourn. 1640." 
 
 This piece is thus entered in Langbaine's list: "Love 
 Crowns the End, a tragic comedy acted by the scholars of 
 Bingham, in the county of Nottingham. This play is not 
 (iivided into acts, and is much shorter than most usually 
 are ; being fitted purposely, as I supjiose, for those youths 
 that acted it. 'Tis printed with his poems, called The 
 Mirror of Fancies, in 8vo (London, 1657), and dedicated 
 to Sir John Winter, Secretary of State to His Majesty in 
 exile." 
 
 It will be observed that Langbaine here notices the second 
 edition of these poems. 
 
 Sir John Winter, to whom Tatham also dediiated the 
 first edition of his poems in 1640, does not at that date 
 appear to have been generally known as having received the 
 honour of knightliood from Charles i.; for in 164'2, when 
 the unfortunate monarch had yielded to the demamls of his 
 enemies by the jjrocess of " scjueezing," — so very etfective 
 when the rulers of a kingdom give evidence of weakness of
 
 4 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 
 
 purpose, — among tliose for whose removal from his own pre- 
 sence and that of the Queen there wen; specially named 
 "Mr. William Murray, Jlr. Porter" ( Endymion Porter, it is 
 presumed), "Mr. John Winter, and ]\Ir. AVilliam Crofts, 
 being all persons of evil fame, and disaffection to the public 
 peace and prosperity of the kingdom, and instruments 
 of jealousy and discontent between the King and the Parlia- 
 ment. " * 
 
 That tlie King would assent to this demand cannot be 
 doubted ; for if he could sacrilice Strafford, he could have 
 no scruples in banishing his attached servants from his 
 presence. 
 
 The office of " Secretary of State," which Sir John Winter 
 held, was to the Queen and not to her husband, as is thus 
 evidenced in the dedication of the Fancie's Theatre in 1640 : — 
 
 "To the Honorable and the most worthy Mecrenas Sir 
 JoHX Winter, Knight, Secretary of State and Master 
 of Bequests to the Queenes most excellent Majestie. 
 
 "Honor'd Sir, — The confidence I have of your native 
 goodnesse (of which the world is sufficient dilater) has 
 prompt mee to this audacious presumption, whicli with some 
 would have beene held a crime insufferable. But I know 
 your Honor is so farre from a censurer, that you had rather 
 cherish endeavours than destroy 'em : Besides, there's a 
 certaine sect of selfe-affecters, that will (unlesse some judi- 
 cious Patron be fixt to the fronts-peece, as the beames of the 
 sunne, to correct their sawsie peering with blindnesse) not 
 only disgorge their envie, but wrest the sense to be succinct ; 
 I (knowing your name to be such, as among the discerning 
 spirits deserves the highest attributes of wortli ; and of such 
 singular power, 'twill extirp tlie malevolent thoughts that 
 raigne in the vulgar and most infectious traducers) tender 
 this, as my first sacrifice, at the altar of your mercjf. And 
 if it may'obtaine the reflection of j^our acceptance, 'twill so 
 much encourage your poore admirer, that I shall be ambitious 
 in the continuance of your favours. These are the mayden 
 blosomes of my muse, which (without your protection) may 
 (in tlieir infancie) be destroyed l)y the breatli of Zoilus ; but, 
 shelter'd by your Honor, they sliall live, a)ul dare the 
 criticks' rancour, retorting to their owne shame. Sir, the 
 fostering this orphan will make you famous for charity, and 
 
 • Glai-endoD, vol. 11. p. 187. Oxford, WlCu 8vo.
 
 INTRODUCTOKY NOTICE. 
 
 imposp an obligation beyoml expression upon your Honor's 
 truly devoted, Jo. Tatiiam." 
 
 It may also be as well to give Tatham's verses : — 
 " To the Honor'd Patron of his Book. 
 
 "SiK, 
 
 " As my service binds me and my love 
 (May your fair self so of the same approve), 
 As your ileservings, I liave placM you here 
 E(jual with Pluebus in liis hemisphere, 
 "Where your refulgent brightness casts a light 
 Into these twinkling lamps, and gives them sight. 
 Minerva bade me tell you she is proud 
 Of those deserts which in your breast do crowd 
 As in a throng, which our capacity. 
 Not able to find out, leaves to her eye. 
 Thrice worthy Hero, may your halcyon days 
 Be ne'er extinct till crazy Time decays. 
 
 "Jo. Tatham." 
 
 Clarendon is silent as to Winter's future fortunes ; but 
 from the dedication of the second edition of Faucie's Theatre, 
 it would seem that he had followed Cliarles the Second to the 
 Court of France ; and, from the following note in Evelyn's 
 Diarii, 11th July 1(556, had returned to England, no doubt 
 encouraged by the countenance afforded by Cromwell for 
 the return of such exiles as could bring with them from 
 abroad such inventions as might be deemed serviceable to 
 the interest of England. 
 
 "Came home by Greenwich Ferry, where I saw Sir J. 
 "Winter's project of charring sea-coal, to buin out the sulphur, 
 and render it sweet. He did it by burning the coal in such 
 earthen pots as the glass-men melt their metal ; so firing 
 them without consuming them — using a bar of iron in each 
 criunble or pot, which bar has a hook at one end — that so 
 the coals, being melted in a furnace with other sea-coals 
 under them, may be drawn out of the })ots sticking to the 
 iron, whence they are beaten off in gieat half-e.xhausted 
 cinders, wliich, being rekindled, make a clear, pleasant 
 chamber-tire, deprived of their sulphur and arsenic malig- 
 nity. What success it may have, time will discover." — 
 Evelyn's Z)/ar)/ (edited by Bray). London, 1854. Vol. i. p. 
 316. " Many years ago, Lord Duudouald, a Scotch noble-
 
 6 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 
 
 man, revived the project, but with the proposed improve- 
 ment of extracting and saving the tar. Unfortunately his 
 lordship did not profit by it. The gas companies sell the 
 coal thus charred by the name of coke, as fuel for many pur- 
 poses. " 
 
 It is surmised that Winter died before the Restoration, as, 
 from the office he had occupied, it is to be presumed he would 
 liave been preferred by Charles to the Peerage. The family 
 of Winter was an old faniUy in Enghxnd ; and Crofts, who is 
 mentioned with him, was created a Baron. 
 
 The merits of the piece itself are rather humble, but it 
 bears tlie impress of having been a juvenile effort, and ou 
 that account ought not to be too severely criticised. The 
 printer, besides, takes some blame to himself for imper- 
 fections, for he appends this note :— 
 
 " Gentle Reader, there are some faults which (through the 
 ohscurifi/ of the Coppie, and absence of the Author) have 
 passed the Presse ; To particularize them icere needlesse ; 
 Butfariourahhj looke o're them, and with thy Pen courteously 
 correct such defects as thou shall finde, not condemning the 
 Presse or injuring the Author."
 
 THE PROLOGUE. 
 
 Yuu stars c»t' httiumi', Itii.i^^litcr tliaii tlic day, 
 
 Or new-rais'd Ph(el)us in his morning ray 1 
 
 As rich in wisdom as in virtues rare, 
 
 Accept th(! clioicest dish our wits pre[)are 
 
 As a tiiird course to ph-ase your eye, wliich still 
 
 Covets to have of novelties its till. 
 
 We lia\ e not bundled up sonu^ kickshaws iieic 
 
 To bid you welc()nie ; we do hate such gear. 
 
 Our brain's the kitchen, and our wit's the meat, 
 
 Preparative to which we ])id you eat 
 
 If like't, if not, refrain't ; you judges sit 
 
 To damn or savi' our not yet ripen'd wit. 
 
 So rest upon your goodness ; if you frown. 
 
 Our poor endeavours then are trodden down.
 
 DRAMATIS PERSON^:. 
 
 Alexis. 
 
 Cliton. 
 
 Lustful Shepherd. 
 
 Lysander. 
 
 Daphnes. 
 
 Leon. 
 
 Francisco. 
 
 Scrub. 
 
 Florida. 
 Cloe. 
 Claudia. 
 Gloriana. 
 
 The Destinies, A Heavenly Messenger, 
 Nymphs, etc.
 
 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 
 
 A grove discovered, and in an obscure cm'uer thereof 
 Cliton, as being asleep. To him Alexis. 
 
 Al. How still the morning is ! as if it meant 
 To steal upon us without Time's consent, 
 And pry into our errors. I have been 
 Searching in every thicket, wood, and green, 
 To find my lamb, and many doleful cries 
 Enter'd my ears ere day. What's this that lies 
 In such an obscure i)lace, where none scarce tread, 
 Unless the ghosts of the disturbed dead '\ 
 Bless me, great Pan ! I see it's Cliton's face, — 
 With a sword drawn. How hajjpy Avas my chase 
 This way ! I hope his folly has not made 
 Himself a beast, as butcher'd with this blade. 
 'T may be he sleeps. I'll speak to him, and trj' ! 
 Yet I half doubt him, 'cause he here doth lie. — 
 Cliton, awake ! the night's dislodg'd, and now 
 Bright morn is trimming her lair virgin brow 
 To court the sun, when, from the eastern deep 
 And Thetis' lap, his glimmering beams up peep 
 To gild his glorious car. Cliton, awake ! 
 And, with thy sleep, all dreams of horror shake 
 That may affright thee.
 
 10 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 
 
 Cli. Kind Alexis, thanks ! 
 
 How found you me ] 
 
 Al. Walking those flow'ry banks, 
 
 'Twixt the green valley and the place which we 
 Have consecrated to love's deity, 
 A stray'd lamb seeking, I did hear sad moans 
 Proceed from some, like peals of parting groans ; 
 Which I pursued, but in my search I found 
 None but yourself — you resting on this ground. 
 I wonder'd much to see you ! 
 
 Cli. So you might ; 
 
 But when you've heard the cause on't, 'twill affright 
 Your easy breast. Do you observe this hand 1 
 This fatal hand, at my unjust command. 
 Did— Oh ! I could destroy't ! 
 
 Al. For what offence ? 
 
 Cli. Tins hand has spilt the blood of innocence, 
 My Florida's. Yes ! 
 
 Al. How ? 
 
 Cli. And when I'd done — 
 
 As I might well — did hide me from the sun. 
 Fearing his eye would be the only cause 
 To find me out ; and here, from men and laws, 
 I have obscur'd myself, and could not say 
 'Twas justly night when night, nor day when day. 
 My fact hath sullied both and stunn'd my sense, 
 Hurl'd to confusion all my confidence. 
 
 Al. What urg'd thee to such inhumanity ] Oh ! 
 say. 
 
 Cli. Suspicion of her loyalty. One day. 
 Dreaming Lysander had enjoy'd her love, 
 My jealousy to cruelty did move. 
 I slew her three days past, and since have been 
 Each night at that place I stain'd with my sin 
 To seek the body ; but some power divine — 
 For none else durst approach her vestal shrine —
 
 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 1 1 
 
 Surely lias render'd lier immortal, aiul 
 Convey '(I the body to some holier laud. 
 
 A I. The body gone 1 
 
 Cli. Or else my eyes deny 
 
 Their help to such an abject wretcli as I. 
 
 u4l. Thy crime requires contrition ; to that 
 end 
 Thou shalt with me, thy days to come shalt 
 
 spend 
 In holy uses. I'll prepare for thee, 
 In the best form I can, each property 
 Belonging to a pensive man. Vou must 
 Forget all youthful pleivsures, think on dust 
 And penitence, the only means to bring 
 Thy soul to rest after this wandering. 
 Will you with me 1 
 
 Cli. To death, or otherwise ; 
 
 Since Florida is dead, life I despise. [Exeunt. 
 
 Cloe pursued by a Lustful Shepherd. 
 
 Lust. Oh ! stay, my darling, do not fly ; 
 This place is private, here's none nigh. 
 Fear not, wench, I'll do no harm. 
 But embrace thee in my arm ; 
 Cull and kiss, and do the thing 
 Shepherds do at wrastoling. 
 
 Cloe. Oh, helj) ! If any shepherd's near, 
 Hear my laments ! 
 
 Lust. ^ay, do not fear. 
 
 But if you, with coy disdain. 
 Think thus to leave me in my pain, 
 I'll force these golden locks of thine 
 To lie beneath these feet of mine. 
 Then yield, and here enjoy such sweet 
 As with our embraces meet. 
 
 Cloe. Oh ! hapless maid, no aid will come.
 
 12 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 
 
 Lysander steps forth. 
 
 Lys. Fear not, virgin ! Here is some 
 Nature's monster. Villain ! why 
 Does thy flame now burn so high 1 
 Will no other serve thy turn, 
 To quench the heats that in thee burn, 
 But so fair a soul as she 1 
 Villain ! hence, or else I'll be 
 Thy butcher ! Beast, away, away I 
 And shun the searching eye of day. 
 
 Lustful Shepherd gazeth on him, then runs in. 
 
 Cloe. Kind youth, to whom am I 
 Bound for this fair courtesy ] 
 
 Lys. First unto heaven, fair creature ; next to me, 
 A poor unworthy shepherd, as you see. 
 
 Cloe. May your sweetest, whom you love, 
 Ever constant to you prove. 
 Be she brighter than the sun, 
 Pleasing as our day at noon ; 
 Fresher than the morning dew. 
 Sweeter than a new-kill'd ewe ; 
 Like Aurora deckt with flowers, 
 Or the welcome April showers ! 
 May she love you, and you be 
 The mirror for true constancy. 
 Go, gentle youth, and this day prosperous be 
 Amongst our swains in yoxxr activity. [Exit. 
 
 Lys. A thousand thanks are yours. Pan, be my 
 guide ! 
 And thou, fair Gloriana, my soul's pride. 
 Whose beauty has encinder'd my poor heart 
 Almost to nothing, and, by some strange art, 
 Exerts a spell to charm all men, shalt find 
 Thou hast a power above mere human kind. [Exit.
 
 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 13 
 
 Enter Daphnes. 
 
 Daph. Bright sun, why dost thou shine on mel 
 Ah, why ? 
 Is it to mock nie 1 Keep thy light, for I 
 Had rather live in darkness, and so die. 
 Or dost thou show tliy histre in disdain. 
 Because I have so oft, with speech profane, 
 Blasphem'd against thy goodness, and in praise 
 Of a poor earthly creature spent my days ? 
 Dost thou yet smile 1 Forgive me, and I'll be 
 No more her servant, but will honour thee. 
 Keep thou thy brightness, Phoebus, and this day 
 From all our swains I'll bring the prize away. 
 
 [Exit. 
 Leon, Gloriana, and Francisco, 
 
 Fran. Fairest, this day be pleased to smile on me, 
 
 And let those hidden favours, yet unshewn. 
 Flow in abundance, that the swains may see 
 
 None e'er can conquer me but you alone. 
 
 Glor. My favours, friend, are past ; and you 
 liave tasted 
 So much of my ])oor bounty, that 'tis wasted. 
 
 Leon. We stay too long, son ; pray make haste, 
 Let us not spend time in waste. 
 Daughter, you shall go with me 
 Where their pastime we may see. 
 Hark ! I hear them with their noise. \_A noise within. 
 Oil, ray hearts ! my bonny boys ! 
 Play your parts. Would I were young, 
 To make one in your joyous throng ! 
 
 Fran. Dearest, I must depart; this calls me hence. 
 
 Father, I leave you. — [To Glor.'] Farewell, Iinio- 
 
 cence. [Exit Fran. 
 
 Glor. I hope for ever ! Would I couid foreknow 
 And guide the future, 'twould indeed be so.
 
 1 4 LOVE CRO^^'NS the end. 
 
 Leon. Daughter, this way let us hie ! 
 I am old, I'll not come nigh ; 
 Nor shalt thou, my dapper girl, 
 Lest those staves, that often whirl. 
 Hit thy face. What ! again 1 [Shout again. 
 
 Nay, then, I fear we go in vain. 
 
 Glor. Yet, father, let us go, that we 
 May learn who gain'd the victory. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter the Lustful Shepherd like a Satyr. 
 
 Lust. Because Dame Nature — pox of all her 
 tricks ! — 
 Has not dealt so well with me as she ought, 
 Making me but a lump of rough-hewn stuff, 
 The pettish wenches will not 2)]ay with me, 
 Nor tick,- nor toy ; and, 'cause I'm apt for sport, 
 Howe'er I'm form'd, I've put on this disguise 
 To fright the baggages, when, getting some 
 'Twixt these my arms, I'll force them to my will, 
 Yet pass unknown. Thus I my senses fill. 
 
 [Scrub, uithin. So ho ! so ho ! so ho ! 
 What noise is yon 1 
 
 Enter Scrub. 
 
 Scrub. Through the woods and through the 
 woods have I run after the runaway, my master. — 
 What art thou, in the devil's name ? 
 
 Lust. Sirrah, I am — 
 
 Scrub. A devil? I knew 't before. Thou should'st 
 })t; a lecherous devil by thy hairy hide ; but I am 
 no Succubus, goodman devil. 
 
 Lust. Dost thou fear me 1 
 
 Scrub. Lord I me, sir 1 I have met such 
 another devil as thou art in my porridge-dish. 
 
 Lust. And didst tliou know him ? 
 
 Scrub. Know him ] How do you mean know
 
 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 15 
 
 liim 1 I bhould be loth io know him or thee, 
 or he thee, or thy grand master me, for any ill ; for 
 T have defied the devil and his works ever since the 
 general earthquake, and that time my motlier's cat 
 miscarried in the horse-pond. 
 
 Liist. Was thy mother a witch 1 
 
 Scnib. Howl a witch, you devil ] 111 witch you ! 
 
 [Ojfer.i to stiike. 
 
 Lust. Hold, man ! she was an honest woman. 
 
 Scrub. Nay, now thou liest, and thou be'st the 
 devil's devil ; for I have heard her soberly say, she 
 had six bastards by a sow-gelder before she l)ig"d 
 me. [Offers again. 
 
 Lust. Hold, hold, man ! 
 
 Scnih. The devil afraid of blows ] I'll make you 
 spit fire. [Runs after him. 
 
 A great shout. Lysander enters, with a garland on 
 his head, and scarfs on his arms, ChOEfolli/wing hint. 
 
 Cloe. Friendly sw%ain, the day is yours. You see 
 My prayer, it seems, successful was to thee. 
 l*ity my maiden tears ; till now I ne'er 
 Sued to a shejtherd, they my suitors were. 
 Nor deem me light because my love is such ; 
 I love indeed, and fear I love too much. 
 You sav'd my life, my chastity I AVhat morel 
 Take me as one that was your own before. 
 
 J.)/s. Hownnich I grieve, fair shepherdess, my fate 
 Will not permit me to apportionate 
 So just a mede as I ought render thee, 
 And thy deserts have merited from me. 
 
 Cloe. I'll be your servant, and will tend your 
 sheep, 
 Nightly Avatch o'er you while you sweetly sleep ; 
 In early morn, when you arise from lied. 
 You'll find for you the welcome board bespread.
 
 16 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 
 
 And, against noon, wlien you from toil return, 
 Again fond woman's tender care you'll learn. 
 All these and more, when your approval's won, 
 Crave but your kindly smile, and say, " Well done." 
 
 Lys. To starve your hopes from further prosecu- 
 tion, 
 Know I've already fixed my resolution 
 To love but Gloriana • she 
 Commands my life, my fortunes, liberty. 
 So much I pity you, that, I declare. 
 If I'd two hearts, one you should gladly share 
 As recompense for your love, though 'tis vain. 
 But why do I this language entertain 1 
 May you live happy, and enjoy as rare 
 And constant shepherd as yourself is fair ! [Exit 
 
 Cloe. Is my face withered *? or has nature so 
 Deformed me lately that I am not Cloe 1 
 For thee, poor Cloe, shepherds have pitched the 
 
 bar, 
 AVrestled, and leaped, and shown the feats of war. 
 For thee — each strove to gain thee as his dove, 
 But thou didst slight and scorn their simple love. 
 How many verses have the shepherds made 
 In praises of thy beauty, whilst thou laid 
 Thy heart on him that cannot hear thee nam'd. 
 Though thy delight is still to have him fam'd ! 
 ]Many the rings and gloves thou hast receiv'd 
 From the poor swains thou ofttimes hast deceiv'd. 
 For thee on holidays, with step so bold, 
 They'd to the heath, next to the pinder's fold, 
 Where they, with music and such sweet content, 
 Would spend their time to make thee merriment. 
 Since, then, my love is not one mire rewarded, 
 But worse, my beauty is no more regarded, 
 I'll tear these golden locks, that shepherds may 
 Leave off their sports, and make no holiday.
 
 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 17 
 
 Sings. 
 
 I will follow through yon grove, 
 
 Where I soon siiall meet my love ; 
 
 Then with warm embraces we 
 
 AVill clip and cull while none sliall see. 
 
 A willow garland will I make, 
 
 And sweetly wear it for his sake. 
 
 Then through the thickets, woods, and plains, 
 
 I will hide me from the swains. 
 
 Hy da ! hy da ! what art thou 1 
 
 Come, thy name and state avow ! 
 
 [.75 she is running in, Daphnes meets her. 
 
 Daph. You were not wont to question thus of 
 old. 
 How fares my dear ? What ! has thy love grown 
 coldl 
 
 Cloe. Hence ! thou coward, hence from me ! 
 Blush at thy disloyalty. 
 Did'st not tell me that thy fame 
 Would throw a lustre on my name ? 
 Yet suffer'st now a stranger bear 
 The prize, and thou to have no share ? 
 
 Daph. Your frowns, my fairest, and not he 
 Gain'd the victory from me. 
 Had 3'ou smil'd as aou did frown. 
 All his strength I'd manger'd down. 
 What has disturbed thee, lovely one ? 
 Who injury to thy person done ? 
 
 Cloe. Ha, ha ! fool, fool ! see'st naught amiss ? 
 A very fool ! ha ! kiss ! kiss ! kiss ! [Exit. 
 
 Daph. What fickle things are Avomen ! Though 
 we flout them, 
 It is confessed we men can't do Mithout them. 
 Our too much doting, though, makes them elate ; 
 For, loving them, ourselves they'd make us hate. 
 
 B
 
 18 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 
 
 This bad distemper in her, I suspect, 
 Proceeds from overweening self-will check'd ; 
 From some denial, if we only knew 't, 
 Lysander may have given to her suit, 
 KnoAving my love to her. Ah, yes ! 'tis so. 
 I must not let her suffer too intensely, though. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 A place discovered all green myrtles, adormd tclth 
 roses, a title written over it thus : 
 
 ' Lovers' Valley.' 
 
 Lysander ajid Glorla.na. 
 
 Lys. My dearest love, fair as the eastern morn 
 As it breaks o'er the plains when summer's born. 
 Hanging bright liquid pearls on every tree, 
 New life and hope imparting, as to me 
 Thy presence brings delight, so fresh and rare 
 As May's first breath, dispensing such sweet air 
 The Phoenix does expire in ; sit, while I play 
 The cunning thief, and steal thy heart away, 
 And thou shalt stand as judge to censure me. 
 To recompense thy loss I must agree 
 To give my heart, a course we may define 
 As mere exchange, — I keep your heart, you mine. 
 
 Glor. Content, my love ; thus would she court, 
 sweetheart, 
 And thus and thus she'd play the wanton's part. 
 
 [Kisses him. 
 Do I not blush, Adonis 1 
 
 Lys. Wherefore blush 1 
 
 You spoil the jest on't. Nay, no words — soft — 
 
 hush ! 
 I'll span thy waist ; now do as wantons use : 
 I'll be Adf)nis, yet will not refuse. 
 
 Glor. Xay, fie ! you stray beyond your limits.
 
 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 19 
 
 Lys. Kiss ! 
 
 Modesty denies not such sweet joy as this. [Kiss. 
 
 To them Francisco. 
 
 Fran. Where are my eyes 1 What curst unruly 
 wind 
 Has blo\\Ti them out, and left false orbs behind 1 
 Ye gods ! to suffer this you are unjust ! 
 If tliese eyes be my own, I fondly trust 
 They may be more subservient to me, 
 Than, without leave, such objects dare to see. 
 But yet, let passion bend to Reason's will, 
 For wherefore on myself should I wish ill ? 
 Her oft-repeated nescios avow. 
 And the continual scorn upon her brow 
 When love I've proffered, — my suspicion was 
 Not Avholly conjured up without some cause. 
 Were I prepared to combat for her charms, 
 I'd rush upon them, tear her from his arms ; 
 And — No ! Securely here I'll watch awhile, 
 And listen to a tale of mutual guile. [Stands aside. 
 
 Glor. Now must we part, we've dallied time too 
 long; 
 Wilt walk 1 
 
 Lys. Does Gloriana think aught •wTong 1 
 Or that time's lost that's with Lysander pass'd ? 
 
 Fran. Deluding devil ! 
 
 Glor. That time runs so fast, 
 I would, Lysander, if 'twere not the stain 
 Would rest upou my maiden years, remain 
 For ever gazing on thy beauty, 
 ^ Lys. Nay ! 
 
 You mock me, Gloriana ; but the day 
 Is not far distant when we shall acquire. 
 With more security, what our hearts desire. 
 Where shall we meet again ?
 
 20 LOVE CROWTS'S THE END. 
 
 Ghr. In yonder vale 
 
 To-morrow — early, dear. 
 
 Lys. I will not fail ! [Exeunt. 
 
 Fran. [Aside.'] Nor I to meet you both. Oh, 
 my best star ! 
 Witness how just the avenging powers are ! 
 For mischief, ye kind gods ! ye've stampt my 
 
 brain, 
 AVliich on them I shall execute amain ; 
 And none shall pry into my faults within. 
 Eevenge has coverts fit to hide his sin. [Exit. 
 
 Enter Cloe, rnad. 
 
 Sings. 
 
 Hey down a down derry, 
 
 And shall not we be merry ? 
 
 A fire on thy hole, 
 
 'Tis as black as a coal, 
 
 And thy nose is as brown as a berry. 
 
 Hi ho ! wdiat a thing this love is ! 
 
 She sings. 
 
 When love did act a woman's part, 
 She could have died with all her heart ; 
 It swell'd her so in every part, 
 She swore 'twas wind, and then did — 
 
 Hi ! hi ! hi ! hi ! 
 
 Nymphs to her. Sing about her. 
 
 Love cannot choose but pity yield 
 He never lived in tented field, 
 'Mongst iron-hearted men !
 
 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 21 
 
 He knows both how and when 
 
 Thee to restore 
 To what thou wert before. 
 He has a tender breast, Avhich knows 
 Your wants by tlie tormenting Avoes 
 
 He's subject to intense. 
 Then do not you despair, 
 That are both young and fair : 
 
 Thus we convey you hence. 
 
 [Take Cloe with them. 
 Cloe. Where do you lead me 1 [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Lysander and Gloriana, meeting. 
 
 Lys. How blest are we, that Fortune hath so 
 soon 
 Again accorded us this gracious boon ! 
 
 Glor. A favour we in duty must avow, 
 And to the gods in all that's grateful bow, 
 
 [She sits down. 
 Lys. So sits the pride of Nature ! all things 
 
 gay, 
 Each beauty that the chequer'd fields display. 
 In Flora's richest wardrobe, far above, 
 
 Glor. Long practised in the flatt'ring rules of 
 love, 
 Say, for such compliments, what reward you claim ? 
 
 Lys. A kiss is more than I can merit. 
 
 [Kisses her. 
 
 Glor. Shame ! 
 
 You are too free. 
 
 Lys. Pray sing ! 
 
 Glor. And what my gains 1 
 
 You'll give me such another for my pains ! 
 
 Lys. Just put it to the trial, lovely one. 
 You shall not lose your labour when all's done?
 
 22 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 
 
 Song. 
 Glor. Sit ! while I do gather flowers, 
 And depopulate the bowers. 
 Here's a kiss will come to thee ! 
 Lys. Give me one, I'll give thee three ! 
 Both. Thus in harmless sport we may- 
 Pass all the idle hours away. 
 Glor. Hark ! hark, how fine 
 
 The birds do chime ! 
 And pretty Philomel 
 Her moan doth tell. 
 Both. Then pity, pity love, and all is well. 
 Glor. Here's the violet, pink, and rose, 
 
 The sweetest breathings for the nose ! 
 Lys. Yet thy breath to me doth yield 
 
 More fragrant scents than all the field. 
 Glm'. Love cares not for flowers or toys, 
 Play-games for your apish boys. 
 Nor superstition, 
 For his condition 
 Is for to know — 
 Lys. If you love or no 1 
 Glor. Then answer, love ! ay or no ? 
 
 But yet methinks that face should be 
 The model of true constancy : 
 Therefore no reason have I 
 To suspect thy loyalty. 
 Here's another kiss for thee ! 
 Lys. Give me one, I'll give thee three ! 
 Both. Thus in harmless sport Ave may 
 
 Pass all idle hours aAvay. 
 
 Glor. Hark ! hark, how fine 
 
 The birds do chime ! 
 
 And pretty Philomel 
 
 Her moan doth tell. 
 
 Both. Then pity, pity love, and all is well.
 
 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 23 
 
 Lys. You've sung me 'most asleep, my eyes feel 
 queer ; 
 I needs must make thy lap my pillow, dear. 
 
 GUir. Repose thy gentle head on't. Alas, ah me ! 
 I'm heavy too, and yield to destiny. \Sleeiy. 
 
 Tlie Destinies Sing. 
 
 Sleep on, sleep on ! 
 For we have so decreed 
 That thou must bleed. 
 
 Sleep on, sleep on ! 
 And may'st thou never rise, 
 For blood the shepherd cries. 
 
 Sleep on ! sleep on 1 [Exeunt. 
 
 A Heavenly Messenger in white. 
 
 Rise ! rise, Lysander, to prevent 
 What the Destinies decreed ! 
 Thou art constant, permanent, 
 And must not bleed : 
 Thy constant seed 
 Shall be the shepherd's joy. 
 No annoy 
 Shall attend 
 Such a friend 
 As the lasses need. 
 Rise ! rise ! awake ! 
 And sleep offshake ! 
 The heavens are i)leased thy part to take, 
 
 For thy love's sake. [Exit — they stir. 
 
 Ghr. Lord, how my fancy's troubled ! 
 Lysander ! where art thou ?
 
 24 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 
 
 Lys. Gloriana ! I've had now 
 Strange thoughts, that me of sleep had dispossest 
 If on thy lap I had not ta'en my rest. 
 
 Francisco, disguised, with others. 
 
 Fran. That is the man ! Upon him instantly, 
 "While I attack his mistress. 
 
 Glor. Gracious me ! 
 "What means this outrage 1 
 
 1st Vil. We'd have life and death ! 
 
 Glor. What ! both ? How can that be % Both, 
 too, in one breath ? 
 
 Fran. Thy life, and thy Lysander's death ! 
 
 Glor. I'll swear 
 
 I've heard that voice ere now. Villain, beware ! 
 Afford some milder language. 
 
 Fran. Lest she teach 
 
 And charm my heart to pity, stop her speech ! 
 
 Lys. Are you but men, and dare do this 1 
 
 \st Vil. We dare ! 
 
 Glor. Oh, sheathe your swords in me ! Lysander 
 spare ! 
 
 Fran. We'll not expostulate ; — take that ! 
 
 2c? Vil. And this! [They stab LYSANDEli,ivho falls. 
 
 Glor. Lysander ! Oh, my all ! my earthly bliss ! 
 
 They take her ivith them. 
 
 Lys. Stay, stay ! let me but breathe my last 
 Upon her lips, and I'll forgive what's past. [Hises. 
 Cowards and miscreants, do you leave me thus % 
 And oh, my fixirest, wherefore upon us 
 Should light such dire misfortune ? Tell me where, 
 Sweet Echo, my beloved breathes the air ? 
 I'll follow her : they shall not dare to taint 
 The least hem of her garments. But I faint, 
 And must sun-ender up to earth that part
 
 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 25 
 
 I took from her. Gloriana ! oh, uiy heart ! 
 
 [Falls fainting. 
 
 Enter Claudia and Florida. 
 
 Clan. We may for recreation walk, 
 And use some pretty harmless talk. 
 Religion does not tie us to 
 A stricter course than we can do. 
 
 Flor. 'Tis dangerous walking, — every field 
 Doth naught but sounds of horror yield ; 
 And, to my fancy, there appear 
 Poor slaughtered maids : the butchers bear 
 The name of lovers, and can find 
 A way in killing to be kind. [Lysander. Oh ! 
 
 Ah me ! whence came that groan ] 
 I dread this walking here alone. 
 
 Clau. It is a shepherd, wounded sore ! 
 
 Fhr. Sure, I have seen this face before ! 
 Lysander 'tis ! the truest swain 
 That ever pressed the verdant plain. 
 
 Clau. What ! is he mark'd for ])resent death ? 
 
 Flor. No ; there are hopes of life : his breath, 
 I feel, comes coldly. 
 
 Clau. Help him in ! 
 
 Pan, be just : reward this sin. [Take him with 'em. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Scrub. 
 
 The devil and his dam, I think, have carried away 
 my master. I cannot find him in never a wench's 
 placuit (pocket, I should say), and yet I have been 
 in a simple many since I came among these mut- 
 ton-mongers — these sheep-eaters — unless they have 
 hid him amongst their wool. I cannot imagine 
 where he can be. I will wear my shoes to pieces 
 but I'll find him. [Exit.
 
 26 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 
 
 Eiikr Lysander, Claudia, Florida, and Cloe. 
 
 Lys. Religious matron, from your hand divine 
 I have received this weary Hfe of mine. 
 My wounds were not so desperate, or sure 
 Some angel did afford a sovereign cure. 
 As instantly to heal them. Howsoe'er, 
 I must ascribe it to your pious care ; 
 For Avhich I owe you more than I can pay, 
 Unless it be my life itself, which — 
 
 Clau. Nay ! 
 
 The surgery I use is sent from heaven ; 
 'Tis to the gods you owe that life now given. 
 Lys. Say, Florida, have you aught heard of Cliton, 
 since 
 You tried in vain his reason to convince 
 Against his base suspicions, when, as dead, 
 In rage he left you, and unpitying fled. 
 
 Flor. Never ! Yet gladly would I see him, friend, 
 Did I but know how to achieve that end. 
 
 Cloe. Dear friend, the stories of us both, if weigh'd 
 In equal balance, would be equal made. 
 [Aside to Lys.]— To test her love your message I 
 will bear. 
 Lm. Thou wilt endear me to thee, then, sweet fair. 
 
 [ExH Cloe. 
 Floi: You heard how Cloe came to our happy aid ? 
 Lys. Never. 
 
 Flor. Amid the beech groves — whither she had 
 stray'd — 
 The wood nymphs found her, brought her to our cell, 
 And with these kindly spirits wrought this miracle. 
 Lys. Good ! Now I can promise, if you will 
 with me, 
 You shall ere long the reckless Cliton see. 
 Flor. Oh, joy ! Have with you, then.
 
 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 27 
 
 Clau. Say ! Wliither now 1 
 
 Flor. I go no fiirtlicr than you will allow. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Gloriana distracted. 
 
 Sings. 
 
 I know Lysander 's dead : 
 Then farewell maidenhead ; 
 
 Thou art but one 
 
 AVhen I am gone : 
 It never shall he said — hy ho, ho. 
 
 Oh, Lysander ! 
 
 Enter Cliton like a hermit. 
 
 Cli. Save you, fair maid ; I wish you joy, 
 Free from aught that may annoy 
 Your quiet, or disturb your sense ; 
 Send you health and penitence. 
 
 Glor. Ha, ha, ha ! What — are you Lysander 1 
 Avhat — with that beard 1 
 There's a great beard, indeed. Hark you. Friar 
 
 Tuck ; do 
 You see yon handsome shepherd Lysander ? 
 Why did you say he was dead ] 
 
 Cli. You are mista'en. A hermit, I can cure 
 All wounds but Avhat sin makes impure ; 
 And those are cur'd by One above. 
 I can help those ills that move 
 Man to distraction : jealous fears v 
 In man or woman. I have years — 
 Have gain'd experience to apply 
 For all sorts a safe remedy. 
 
 Gloriana sings. 
 
 Do you see where he doth stand, 
 With a cross-bow in his hand ]
 
 28 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 
 
 I will follow thee, my dear, 
 
 Though the goblins keep watch there. 
 
 [Offers to go. 
 
 Cli. Oh, stay, pure maid ! 
 
 Glor. Old man, why do you hold me so 1 
 In sooth you shall not ! Let me go ! 
 
 Cli. If you will be ruled by me, 
 You shall your Lysander see. 
 
 Glor. Shall I, indeed, now ] 
 
 Cli. Come with me, and you shall know 
 More, if you'll but patient grow. [ExeuiU. 
 
 Leon, jun. Good father, calm this grief ! 
 
 Leon, sen. My only daughter ! 
 
 Is not my daughter lost 1 In vain we've sought her, 
 The only staff whereon my age did rest. 
 And earthly joy with which my heart was bless'd 1 
 Oh ! I am miserable. 
 
 Leo7i, jun. Do not so take on ; 
 
 We yet may find her. Hope is not quite gone. 
 
 Leon, sell. Never ! Some savage has laid hands 
 upon her. 
 Having deflower'd her of her virgin honour. 
 Talk not of patience : 'tis the only course 
 To cure a bad distemper, to grow worse. 
 And fire it out of him. 
 
 Enter Alexis. 
 
 Al. Courage, dear sir ! 
 
 Again let's try ! I'm lost in losing her. 
 
 Leon, sen. I'll take thy counsel, goodness guide 
 me still ; 
 Sometimes are parents cross against their will. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Lysander, Claudia, and Florida. 
 Lys. We're almost at his cell, where he does waste
 
 LOVE CROWNS TlIE END. 29 
 
 Himself with grief, thinking you are graced 
 A citizen in heaven ; and that foul wrong 
 He did you smells so rank and strong, 
 Has so defil'd his soul, that the offence 
 Cannot be purg'd but by such penitence. 
 
 Flor. Y'ave mov'd my heart, that 'midst my 
 trembling fears 
 I feel my life-blood may well out in tears. 
 For me that strictness here he has undergone, 
 Will call my grateful thoughts to dwell upon. 
 
 Enter Cloe and Daphnes. 
 
 Cloe. I'm glad I've chanced upon you : do you see 
 We're coupl'd as true lovers ought to be ? 
 But, out alas ! your Gloriana's lost 
 Beyond recovery. 
 
 Lys. How my soul is cross'd ! 
 
 Daph. She, hearing you were dead, frantic be- 
 came ; 
 Nor have these groves since echoed with her name. 
 
 Lys. Let us put wings to our pursuit, to find 
 The best, the fairest, truest of her kind. 
 And first Ave'U search his cell. 
 
 Clan. Great Pan, send all things well. [^Exeunt. 
 
 Fran. Why, conscience, wilt thou buzz into my ears 
 That word " despair," to fright me with dark fears ] 
 The thing attends my guilt, — Gloriana fled ! 
 For whom I heap'd new sins upon my head. 
 AVhat has my fury purchas'd ? Nothing ] Yes ! 
 Hell and perdition crown such Avickeduess. 
 And these perforce shall be my utter fate 
 When this earth's weary coil shall terminate. 
 
 Enter Scrub. 
 
 Scrub. You, sirrah madcap, that creeps like a crab 
 there ! hark you, do not you know one Francisco
 
 30 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 
 
 and Pisander, — two vagabonds, that cannot live in 
 peace with poultry, but they must fly after sheep t 
 
 Fran. I owe that wretched name Francisco. 
 
 Scrub. _ Who 1 
 
 You with that face ! pray where's Pisander, too ] 
 
 Fran. I left him at the Court when I came thence, 
 Debating matters of much consequence. 
 
 Scrub. I see you shepherds will lie abominably ; 
 he has been from the Court ever since seven years 
 before he was born. 
 
 Lysander, Leon, Gloriana, Claudia, Florida, 
 Cloe, Cliton, Daphnes, cmd Alexis. 
 
 Lys. Friends, we are rendered happy, — fortune, 
 love 
 Are ours, to crown the end — joys from above. 
 
 CH. Oh, Florida ! it glads my heart to hear 
 How this celestial matron did appear 
 So opportunely, and, with balsams rare, 
 Under her guidance and her tender care, 
 Did so restore you — and my peace restore ; 
 I not deserv'd nor did I hope for more. 
 
 Lys. I'm blest in Gloriana ! 
 
 Da2)h. I in Cloe ! 
 
 Cli. And I in Florida ! 
 
 Leon, AL, Clau., cmd Flor. We to see you so ! 
 
 Fran. Protect me, ye blest powers ! Keep far- 
 ther off. I am not yet reconcil'd with heaven. I 
 do confess I kill'd you ! Oh, be merciful for their 
 sweet sakes, whose innocence cannot see or be dis- 
 turbed by thee ! Ay, here they are by thee, thy 
 once dear Gloriana ! 
 
 Lys. What a distemper's this 1 
 
 Fran. What will appease thy Ghostship 1 Give 
 me but time to ask forgiveness of those sacred 
 powers I've most offended, by depriving thee of
 
 LOVE CROWNS THE END. 31 
 
 life and being, and thou shalt have my life for 
 thy just sacrifice. 
 
 Lys. I apprehend his guilt. Your hate grew not 
 To the effects so desperate as you sought. 
 Shepherd, fear not ; feel that I live and breathe ! 
 
 Fran. Delude me not, it is im])ossible. 
 
 Lys. These here shall witness it. 
 
 Omnes. We do ! 
 
 Fran. Can you forgive, then, my attempt 1 
 
 Lys. With a true heart and hand. 
 
 Omnes. Lysander's still himself, noble and wise. 
 
 Fran. And can you, fairest, wipe that ignominy 
 off I deserv'd from you 1 
 
 Glor. In troth ! 
 
 Lysander's word sufficeth for us both. 
 
 Fran. Then may you both live happy many years : 
 May your joys never be disturb'd by fears ! 
 
 Scrub. Hark you, sir, now all my talk is over, 
 I would know one thing of you ] 
 
 Lys. And what's that ] 
 
 Scrub. Have you met with one Pisander, Leon, 
 and Francisco in your travels 1 The duke is dead 
 that banislu'd good old Leon, and, could I find 
 him, his lands shall be restorVl. 
 
 Lean. I am that Leon ! With my children dear 
 I've liv'd e'er since in rural quiet here. 
 
 Omnes. Blessings do follow blessings. 
 
 Lys. Then I am that Pisander, that left the Court 
 to gain thy daughter's love by the name of Lys- 
 ander. Scrub, dost thou know me now ] 
 
 Scrub. A pestilence on't, you are he indeed ! 
 
 Frail. Pisander, embrace thy friend Francisco. 
 
 Lys. Francisco, thou cloy'st me with joy ! 
 
 [Embruce. 
 
 Fran. I left the Court for the same end that you 
 did.
 
 32' LOVE CROWNS THE END. 
 
 Lys. She's mine now, sir, is she not ? 
 
 Leon. As fast as th' priest can make her ; 
 Fortune has made all happy. Yet 'tis fit, 
 If they Avill wed, your hands shall license it. 
 
 Amorfinem coivnaf.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 c
 
 The Distracted State. A Tragedy. Written in the year 
 1641, by J. T., Gent. ^' Seditiosi sunt retpahiuai ruina." 
 London: Printed by W. H. for John Tey, and are to be 
 sold at his sho]> at the Sign of the White Lion, in the Strand, 
 near the New Exclmnge, 1651.
 
 INTKODUCTORY NOTICE. 
 
 The Bioijraplda Dramatka, in noticing tliis piece, ob- 
 serves : "This author was a strong party man, and wrote 
 lor the distracted times lie lived in, to whicli his present 
 work was extremely suitable. His hatred to the Scots is 
 apparent throughout this play, wherein he introduces a 
 Scotch mountebank undertaking to poison Archias, the 
 elected king, at the instigation of Oleander. The scene lies 
 in Sicily. It is the best of our author's pieces." 
 
 As Cromwell, in 1651, had attained the object of his 
 amljition, by becoming the ruler of England, Scotland, and 
 Ireland, Tatham might naturally be supjiosed to have run a 
 great risk in publishing a play so obviouslj- calculated to 
 illustrate the serious consequences arising from any attempt 
 to disturb the legitimate succession of monarchy by the 
 intrigues of ambitious and designing persons, who, repre- 
 senting to the populace abuses, which i)erhrtps had some 
 foundation, as sutlicieut to authorize popular disafi'ection, 
 gave rise to coiisecpiences much more prejudicial to the 
 commonwealth than the abuses they pretended to redress. 
 It is evident that Tatham was an uncompromising zealot of 
 Charles i., and that in his drama he intended to exhibit to his 
 countrymen the fatal etiects of giving over to the exaggerated 
 statements of factious men, who, under pretence of putting 
 down this Government, were anxious only to aggrandize 
 themselves ; and it certainly is remarkable that, with an 
 object so thinly veiled, the Protector allowed The Distracted 
 State to be sold, without, as he might have done, causing its 
 sui)pression. There is one marked feature iu it, that, 
 although there was no occasion for Tatham availing himself 
 of Oleander's employing a Scotchman to poison Archias, he 
 shows his bitter detestation of the Scotch nation, — a dislike 
 which is still more manifest in the comic piece which fol- 
 lows, called Scotch Fhjijarks. There can be no doubt that 
 the Scotch were deservedly unpoj)ular in England at the 
 time, not so much for their Puritanical religious assump- 
 tions, as for the fact that they had sold their monarch to his
 
 36 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 
 
 opponents for filthy lucre :— a prejudicial feeling, from an 
 act that cannot be justified, long dwelling in the recollection 
 of the English, who, althougli they did not object to the 
 purchase, held the sellers in i)rofound contempt, and judged 
 the entire nation accordingly for a sin perpetrated by a 
 small section of its community. 
 
 The introduction of what is supposed to be the Scotch 
 language is curious, more especially as, at a later date, 
 Tatham's specimens, as occurring in his dramas, seem to 
 have been recognised in England as the ordinary dialect of 
 the North. In the reign of Charles ii., the same peculiar 
 mode of pronunciation, as indicated by the spelling, occurs 
 in Lacy's play of Hnuiiey the Scot, as well as in many songs 
 alleged to be Scotch, which seem to have then come into 
 vogue, and which were printed in The Westminster Drollery, 
 and subsequently in Durfey's Pills to Purge Melancholy, 
 and other ballad-books of the time. It may be noticed, 
 however, that the Scotch airs have been preserved and 
 introduced into English dramatic pieces. Thus the very 
 beautiful air of "Gilderoy" was made use of by Sir Charles 
 Sedley in his comedy of the Mulberrj/ Garden, wedded to 
 words beginning, "Ah! Chloris, could I now but te^ll," 
 which, by the way, were for a number of years accredited 
 to President Forbes of Culloden. The original air, with the 
 Scotch words, will be found in The Westminster Drollery. 
 
 Of the merits of The Distracted State as a drama, we are 
 not prepared to speak very highly, although there are no 
 inconsiderable portions of it, both in regard to poetry and 
 action, which are worthy of commendation. The plot com- 
 mences well, but its termination is far from satisfactory. 
 The interest is kept up till the death of tlie usurper by his 
 own hand, towards the end of the third act, after which the 
 succession of kings and the several contentions for the 
 throne become tedious. The character of Clean der, though 
 somewhat original, is very oflensive ; and had the play ever 
 been acted, which it does not appear to have been, it could 
 scarcely have met with much toleration. Agathocles, who 
 at the outset impresses the reader favourably, at the close 
 indicates how little reliance can be placed upon the protes- 
 tations of patriots, whose assumed purity of principle yields 
 whenever an opportunity occuts for bettering their ])osition. 
 Among the dramatis persona — nineteen in number — 
 great havoc is made, twelve of them being killed by difi'crent 
 means : one is decapitated, one commits suicide, one is 
 poisoned, some are killed in hand-to-hand combat, the
 
 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 37 
 
 horoiiic licponios a jircy to the assassin, wlio in turn meets 
 bis death hy tailing' thiou<,'ii a trap-door. Neitlifr JIanilet 
 nor 'J'oiii 'I'lnuiih can tM^iial this. 
 
 Sir William Sidli-y, Baronet, to whom the play is dedi- 
 cated, was <,Mandfather of Sir Charles Sidley or Sedley, one 
 of the gay wits of the Court of Charles ii. Sir Williani was 
 the founder of the Sedleian Lecture of Natural Thilosophy 
 at O.vford. His son, Sir John Sidley, married Klizal)eth, 
 daughter and lieir of Sir Henry Saville, Knight, the learned 
 Warden of Merton College, in Oxford, and I'rovost of Eton. 
 His grandson, Sir C^harles, became a great favourite of 
 Charles ii. Shadwell says that "he lias heard Sedley 
 speak more wit at a supper than all his (Shadwell's) adver- 
 saries, putting their heads together, could icrite in a year." 
 He was tlie author of several plays and some amorous 
 poems, in wliieh the softness of the verses Wiis .so e.xquisite 
 as to be called by the Duke of Buckingham " Sedley 's 
 Witchcraft." The Biographia Britannica says: "There 
 were no marks of genius or true jjoetry to be descried ; the 
 art wholly consisted in raising loose thoughts and lewd 
 desires without giving any alarm, and so the i)oi.son worketl 
 gently and irresistibly. Our author, we may be .sure, did 
 not escape the infection of his own art, or, rather, was first 
 tainted himself before he spread the infection to others." 
 Sir Charles' daughter — though by no means handsome — 
 attracted the notice of the Duke of York, who, on his 
 accession to the erown, created her Baroness of Darlington 
 and Countess of Dorch(;ster. By him she liad a son who died 
 early, and a daughter who married James, Earl of Anglesey. 
 The Countess subsequently married Sir David Collyear, 
 Baronet, who was created Baron by King AVilliam in., and 
 afterwards, in 1703, Earl of Portmore by Queen Anne, both 
 Scotch peerages. Tlie issue of this marriage was two sons, 
 the eldest of whom. Lord Milsington, married Bridget, a 
 daughter of Jolin Noel of Walcot, in the county of Nor- 
 thampton, by whom he had several children, all of wliom, 
 as well as he, died before the Earl. The title thereafter de- 
 volved upon his second sou, Charles, who died in 1785. He 
 also had married and left sons, all of wliom also died, and 
 the titles Iteing limited to males, this jjcerage became 
 extinct. Sir Charles Sedley was so displea.sed with tlie King 
 at this connection with his daughter, that lie became a 
 partizan of the Prince of Orange, and assisted in placing the 
 King's daughter in her father's seat. 
 
 The complimentary verses to Tatham bear the signatures
 
 38 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 
 
 of I. E., R. D., and G. Lynn. The author of the first set 
 is presumed to have been Joseph Eutter, translator of the 
 Cid, from Corneille, in two parts, 1637 and 1640, and of the 
 Shepherd's Holiday, a Pastoral Tragi-Comedy, acted before 
 their Majesties at Whitehall in 1635, and published the 
 same year, bearing the author's initials only on the title-page. 
 He was tutor to the son of Edward, Earl of Dorset, Lord 
 Chamberlain to the Queen. The Shepherd's Holiday was 
 recommended by two copies of verses, one from Ben Jonson, 
 the other from Thomas May. It was included in the ori- 
 ginal edition of Dodsley's Old Plays, and again appears in 
 the twelfth volume of the reprint of that collection, presently 
 passing through the press under the able superintendence 
 of W. Carew Hazlitt. 
 
 E. D. is evidently Eobert Daborne, Master of Arts, who 
 was in holy orders, and, it is believed, had a living in 
 Ireland, as there is a sermon by him, published in 1618, on 
 Zech. ii. 7, which he preached at Waterford. He wrote 
 two plays : The Christian turned Turk; T., 4to, 1612; and 
 The Poor Man's Comfort, T. C, 4to, 1655. 
 
 G. Lynn is otherwise unknown as a poet.
 
 TO THE TRULY NOBLE SIR WILLL\M SIDLKY, 
 BARONET. 
 
 Like to a young student in necromancy, whose 
 itch to rarity makes him attempt the raising what 
 lie wants skill to lay, I have adventured, in this little 
 commonwealth of poetry, to beget some distractions 
 that cannot be reconciled without your patronage. 
 Sir, you have the fame for piety and love to your 
 country, and have so equally balanced your actions 
 in these distempered times, that you have not only 
 merited the title Apollo gave to Socrates, but dra^vn 
 all men's eyes, loves, aiul admiration upon you. 
 Amongst the number of which your honourers, a 
 stranger tenders his offering ; and though it is 
 naked of worth, yet the property of your accept- 
 ance will be shelter sufficient to it and him, who, 
 next to your pardon, shall endeavour to deserve 
 the title of, Sir, your most humble and faithful 
 servant, 
 
 J. Tatham.
 
 TO MY DEAR FRIEND 
 MK. JOHN TAT HAM, 
 
 ON' HIS EXCELLENT PLAY " THE DISTRACTED STATR." 
 
 I DO not write in confidence my fame 
 
 May lift you up, or hoist you to a name. 
 
 I of my own defects too knowing am, 
 
 To hope support you while myself am lame ; 
 
 And th' world so well your merits understand, 
 
 They do not need advancement by my hand. 
 
 Nor do I labour to be thought a wit 
 
 Because in you I do approve of it. 
 
 What makes you shine does make me not despair 
 
 To hope a glimmering in the selfsame air. 
 
 To love I'm vow'd, too — not that wayward toy 
 
 That for these thousand years writes himself boy ; 
 
 AVho makes the lord and lady still to meet, 
 
 As sure as in a country dance we see 't. 
 
 'Tis motley, just like cheeses where I've been, 
 
 Chequer'd, one square of white and one of green. 
 
 'Tis at the best imperfect, such a pair 
 
 Like doublets in the middle joined are ; 
 
 While masculine affections, such as mine, 
 
 Like diamonds entire and clearly shine. 
 
 To womankind awhile I bid adieu, 
 
 And only now enamour'd am of you ; 
 
 And, certain, 'tis no miracle in me, 
 
 T' whom civil war hath been a nursery, 
 
 That I, in strict obedience to my fate, 
 
 Do fall in love with your Distracted State. 
 
 I. K.
 
 TO MY WORTHY FRIEXD 
 MK. JOHN TATHAM, 
 
 O.V HIS EXCELLENT TJSAGEDY "THE DISTRACTED STATE." 
 
 Good wine does need no bush, nor does thy wit 
 Want our supporting. This thy play is writ 
 With so much judgment, and so firm a hand, 
 It shall against the storms of envy stand 
 A monument to thy fame. For if we may 
 Conclude language and plot do make a play, 
 Here they are met, each scene and act so well 
 Follow'd, that one the other doth excel ; 
 And their contention does so neatly end, 
 As though thou didst a second rape intend 
 Upon our sense, drawing our greedy eyes 
 To read till they themselves do sacrifice ; 
 For he that loves to feast on a good line 
 Will never think he has enough of thine. 
 
 R D.
 
 TO MY MOST DESERVING FRIEND 
 J. T., 
 r PON HIS PLAY " THE DISTRACTED STATE. " 
 
 When I that sweet elixir of thy lines 
 Tasted, and found Avithin those golden mines 
 That rare refin'd delight, in which 'tis sin 
 Not to be lost or catch'd in fancy's gin, 
 I did thy worth so clear a victor see. 
 The laurel could be due to none but thee. 
 I cannot offer hecatombs of praise, 
 Nor altars to thy lofty fancy raise ; 
 This well-meant tribute I can only pay, — 
 Wit's high meridian glorifies thy play. 
 
 G. Lynn.
 
 THE PERSONS. 
 
 EVANDER, . 
 
 Mazares, 
 
 Archias, . . 
 
 MiSSELLUS, . 
 
 Agathocles, 
 Epecides, 
 
 Planetius, . 
 
 The vanquished King. 
 
 His Brother. 
 
 A noble Lord, iJieir kinsman. 
 f Provinciall of Vallis de Xoto, 
 \ friend to the King. 
 
 y Two high-spirited Lords. 
 
 ( Provinciall of Mona, made hg 
 I Mazares. 
 
 The Archbishop of Monreall. 
 Oleander, . . A high Politician. 
 
 Philistus, 
 Adulanter, . 
 Hermocrates, 
 Thimistius, . 
 Antanter, . 
 Philander, . 
 
 ICETIS, 
 
 A young Lord, minion to Mazares. 
 A base fawning Lord, a Buffoon. 
 
 General to Mazares. 
 A Colonel. 
 A noble Commander. 
 An Officer in war. 
 Governor of a castle in Palermo. 
 A Magistrate of Palermo. 
 
 HiPPARINUS, 
 
 A Scotch Mountebank. 
 Two Physicians. 
 
 Daughter to Oleander, and Mis- 
 tress to Archias. 
 
 Harmonia, . . I 
 
 A Oaptain, Soldiers, Guard, Attendants. 
 
 Scene— Sicily.
 
 THE DISTRACTED vSTATE. 
 
 Act I. — Scene i. 
 
 Lmid musk. 
 
 Enter Mazares, the Archbishop of Monnvll, 
 Cleander, Agathocles, Epecides, Philis- 
 Tus, Adulantek, etc. 
 
 Mazares axcemls the Chair of State, the Archbishop 
 puts the croun on his head, then all tad A(;a- 
 THOCles cry, " Long live Mazares, lawfully 
 King of Sicily 1 " 
 
 Aga. Heaven ! where's thy vengeance ? 
 Canst thou endure this mockery 1 
 
 [Agathocles kneels uith his back tmcards 
 them, aside. 
 
 Ma-z. We thank you all. But why, Agathocles, 
 Appears such trouble on thy brows ? Are we 
 Unwelcome to thy wishes'? 
 
 J(ja. How, sir 1 Pardon me ; 
 Who dares say you are 1 
 You are my King. Is it not so, gentlemen ? 
 The rays that from your brother's diadem 
 Gilded this kingdcjm are put out, and now
 
 46 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 From you, our rising sun, we must expect 
 
 A virtual fervour. Obedience is my safety ; 
 
 My wislaes, trifles. "What may you not command 1 
 
 If you but will, my life is not my own ; 
 
 One frown may rivet me. I am design'd 
 
 To be but what you please, and when — no longer. 
 
 I am your poor submissive. 
 
 3Ia.z. You misconstrue 
 
 The power of Kings ; they dare not but be just. 
 That crown can ne'er sit fast that takes its rise 
 From others' ruin. 
 
 yiffc. Out, imposture ! [Aside. 
 
 Maz. My lords, I could have wished 
 The people's and your loves had spared this 
 
 solemnity 
 Until another time, — a time that might 
 Have prov'd more fit for triumph ; for though 
 
 heaven 
 Hath wreath'd our brows with victory, our thoughts 
 Are not at peace, 
 
 Aga. Nor ever will be, till, 
 
 By their continual motion, they have brought 
 All into public ruin. [Aside. 
 
 Maz. The care of th' common safety 
 
 O'erwhelms our joy, and makes it seem un- 
 seasonable. 
 Repose, after so long a toil of war, would be 
 Perfume unto our senses ; but we must not 
 Prefer our own before the people's quiet. 
 
 Aga. Machiavel, thou art an ass, a very ass to 
 him ! [Aside. 
 
 Maz. My lords, you are my witnesses. 
 The public wrong, and not ambitious hopes 
 Of government, oblig'd me to this quarrel — 
 The people's, and not mine — against my brother ; 
 The justice of which cause gave us success.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 47 
 
 Heaven knows, had lie not been their enemy, 
 1 shouhl have emptied ev'ry vein I liave 
 T' have serv'd him ! Nature and duty held 
 ►Strong conflicts in my blood, — nature promoting 
 Onewhile my brother's right, until my duty 
 Unto my country, with diviner reason, 
 O'ercame me, and discover'd the sad scene 
 Of a sinking people and a rising tyrant. 
 
 Aga. Does Heaven hear this, and punisheth not 1 
 
 [Aside. 
 
 Maz. For my part, my lords, 
 Though the aftection of the people circles 
 ;My temples with a crown, I shall not wear it 
 Longer than they esteem me worthy. 
 
 Cle. Most singular prince ! 
 
 Aga. Most singular devil ! 
 
 [Aside. 
 
 Maz. My Lord Archbishop, 
 You are the Church's vine, and we the elm 
 Of th' commonwealth ; our flourishing estates 
 Depend on t>ne another. By Heaven's hand 
 We are contracted, and must share all fortunes. 
 Or good or bad. The jewels of a crown 
 Retain not lustre longer than they have 
 Virtue h\a\\ th' Church, and that she's glorious : 
 Nor can she be so longer than we are so ; 
 Her strength and welfare doth consist in ours. 
 Let not this sudden change 
 Possess her with a fear of her eclipse : 
 Sh'as a protector now that will expose 
 His life a sacrifice to preserve her purity. 
 "We shall not be remiss to satisfy 
 What lies on our part towards her ; and what 
 Fntm her belongs to us we need not intimate ; 
 You have a sense, my lord, can reach at things 
 And their necessities.
 
 48 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 yirch. My duty shall not be wanting, my gracious 
 lord. 
 
 Aga. The churchman will turn pander to him. 
 
 [Aside. 
 
 Maz. My lords, 
 We're not insensible of the people's burthen 
 By keeping up our armies ; but necessity, 
 That makes men act what they would not, compels it. 
 We are not yet secur'd against the malice 
 Of our late vanquished brother ; there's a faction 
 That waits an opportunity to befriend him. 
 Beside his hopes in Italy. Those clouds over. 
 We doubt not but a fair day will give birth 
 Unto the peojde's happiness and ours. 
 In the meantime, my lords, be it your care 
 To stop the current of their cries, and keep 
 Us fair in their opinion. 
 
 Aga. [Aside to P^pecides.] As hell's projector. 
 Down, down, big heart ! thou'lt hang me else. 
 
 Epe. [To Agathocles, aside.] My lord, 
 Let reason moderate your passions ; 
 They are too violent, and may prove your enemies. 
 Mazares wants not hands. 
 
 Aga. [Aside to Epecides.] Nor I a heart 
 To dare his worst. Oh, Epecides, 
 I have liv'd too long to see this day ! 
 
 Maz. My lords, we know 
 Crowns are but glorious burthens, and the weight 
 Requires more heads than one to bear it up. 
 You are th' approved pilots of the State, 
 Acquainted with all creeks and rocks where danger 
 Hides his destroying head, and wisely can 
 Steer her should th' malice of a foreign foe 
 Swell to a tempest, or malignant breaths 
 At home threaten her ruin. On your faiths 
 Depend ours and her safety.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 40 
 
 Cle. Most gracious sir, 
 
 You have outdone even expectation ; and 
 Tlic beams of virtue that shoot from you 
 Outshine the glory of your diadem, 
 And liind our lives unto your fortunes. 
 
 Phili. May we own our lives no longer 
 Than they perform those offices of duty 
 Your virtues do command them to ! 
 
 Muz. "We owe much to your loves, 
 And shall engross a time to pay the debt 
 Your merits call upon us. We'll divide 
 The happiness, if any wait upon 
 A crown, amongst you. 
 
 Aga. [Aside to Epecides.] When he's warm in's 
 seat, 
 Tliey shall as little dare to claim his promise 
 As the poor crane his reward from the lion 
 AVhen he had pulled the bone out of his throat. 
 
 Epe. [Aside to Agathocles.] Restrain yourself. 
 There's little revenge in words, but words may be 
 Revenged. Be advised ! 
 
 Adul. May never care breed fevers in your blood, 
 Kor troubles raise a palsy in your sceptre ; 
 May still success attend your enterprises, 
 And conquests beget conquests, till you write 
 Yourself the world's great monarch ! 
 
 Arch. May Heaven's eye 
 Keep sentinel while you repose, that no 
 Traitorous attempts may reach your sacred person ! 
 
 Aga. [Kneels aside.] Now may the groans of dying 
 men, the cries 
 Of widows, orphans, and deflowered virgins. 
 Together with his lirother's wrongs, continuaiiy 
 Keep him awake, till, with distracted rage, 
 For want of rest, he doth Ijecome his own 
 Dire executioner ! 
 
 D
 
 50 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Maz. What means this, Agathocles ] 
 
 Jga. I have been at my prayers too. 
 
 Maz. We thank you, and shall 
 Endeavour to deserve so far 
 You shall not have cause to repent them. 
 
 Aga. I believe no less. 
 
 3[az. Lead on, my lords ! 
 With upright care we shall discharge our trust : 
 Kings are no longer kings than they are just. 
 
 [Exeunt. Agathocles p///s Epecides back 
 
 Aga. My lord Epecides, a word ; 
 The King may spare us two. I may presume 
 We are as little needed as regarded. 
 If that thy looks deceive me not, thou art 
 Yet free from this disease, this itch of honour 
 Which so transforms us into servile flattery. 
 Art swell'd with lofty thoughts 1 
 
 Epe. They reach no higher 
 
 Than th' public good, which they devoutly wish, 
 Though want a power to compass. 
 
 Aga. Th' art honesty itself; 
 
 And to thy bosom, as my sanctuary. 
 My soul shall fly to ease itself of what 
 Would burst me to keep longer. 
 
 Epe. My lord, you may 
 
 Be confident I have a soul as big 
 With grief as you, that fain would be deliver d 
 If reason would turn midwife. 
 
 jgd^ False Oleander 
 
 Hath made the field drunk Avith his country's blood 
 To set up an usurper. 
 
 Epe. It is pretended 
 
 The people's pressures and continual clamours 
 Enforc'd the war. 
 
 Aga. Kindled by the fire 
 
 Broke from Mazares' bosom, whose ambitious
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 51 
 
 Desire of rule bred the ill humours in 
 
 The easily corrupted multitude ; 
 
 Who, led hy their pernicious hopes that he 
 
 Would bring on better days, gave breath unto 
 
 Their monstrous fury, and like a deluge 
 
 Broke forth, and sank the fortunes of P^vander ; 
 
 That he, poor Prince, having no other ark 
 
 Of preservation than his innocence, 
 
 And faith he had in's friends, did fly to them, 
 
 Whose shelter ser\'ed him but fur a short time, 
 
 For they, with him, at last were overwhelm'd. 
 
 But, Epecides, be thou confident ! 
 
 Though hell hath further'd the usurper's plot, 
 
 And smooth'd it with success, vengeance will 
 
 reach him. 
 Though Heaven be slow, its punishment is sure. 
 
 E}ie. Hear but Oleander, 
 Philistus, Adulanter, and the rest. 
 And they will tell you Providence and justice 
 Sat on their weapons' points to punish tyranny ; 
 Antl that our kingdom, by Mazares' wisdom, 
 Will flourish in a far better estate 
 Than in Evander's time. 
 
 Aga. Ambition wants not snares 
 To catch vulgar credulity, and carry 
 On their designs clear to the end they aim at. 
 They are the canes and trunks through which th' 
 
 usurper 
 Speaks to promote his purposes, and blast 
 All good in's brother, and eclipse his right. 
 Is not Planetius, the first bold traitor. 
 Of ]\Iona made Provinciall 1 Is not Oleander 
 As big with hopes and expectation ] 
 Does not Philistus fawn and court to out 
 Missellus, the Provinciall of Vallis de Xoto ? 
 Oredit such sycophants !
 
 52 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Epe. Missellus is noltle ; 
 
 And if Mazares look not well about him, 
 Evander may have an after-game to play. 
 Missellns Avas his creature. 
 
 Aga. "Where'er he be, 
 
 Though fortune left his party, he retains 
 A mind invincible. 
 
 Epe. No question but 
 
 Tlie State was much distemper'd ; and Evander 
 Was not without his faults. 
 
 Aga. People dispos'd for change 
 Survey the vices of their Prince through optics 
 That rather multiply than lessen them ; 
 And what is in themselves but criminal 
 Is in their Prince held horrid, as the symptom 
 To the disease of tyranny. 
 
 Epe. And dare correct 
 
 That in their Prince they would not in them- 
 selves 
 Have taken notice of. 
 
 Aga. But allow there were 
 
 Some things might grieve the people, ^ase ex- 
 perience 
 Gives us to know that in tli' lopping of trees 
 The skilful hand prunes but the lower branches. 
 And leaves the top still growing, to extract 
 Sap from the root, as meaning to reform, 
 Not to destroy. I tell thee, Epecides, 
 Th' excess of what Avas good in Prince Evander 
 Might stock the barren breast of the usurper. 
 
 Epe. Men never rate their goods so highly 
 As when they're robb'd of them. It is some 
 
 ease 
 To our afflictions that we can thus vent 
 Our griefs to one another, for we must 
 Despair of other remedy.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 53 
 
 Aga. Very true, 
 
 If we continue chiklron, and ailore 
 The rod corrects us, kiss it till we smart for 't, 
 Enthrone base fear in valour's royal seat, 
 Let it lord o'er our spirits till our blood 
 Forsake its heat and become ice ; l>ut if 
 We do retain the glory of our ancestors, — 
 Whose ashes will rise up against our dulness, — 
 Shake off our tanicnoss, and give way to courage, 
 We need not doubt, insi)ir'd with a just rage, 
 To break the necks of those that would yoke 
 ours. 
 
 Epe. Ay, but — 
 
 Aga. Those " buts " destroy us. Are you 
 willing 
 To sit in tli' dark, and never see the sun 1 
 With a besotted patience see your goods 
 Kifled, and your inheritance ta'en from you 1 
 Unless you, to secure his quiet, will 
 Part with your own, and by comjdiance banish 
 The peace your conscience yet is happy in. 
 
 Epe. You know my spirit's not so chill ; 
 But I would know a way. Prescribe you one 
 That's passable, I shall not only run 
 My fortunes with you, but make all the friends 
 And nearest allies I have as ready minded 
 To do you service. 
 
 Aga. To a resolved mind 
 
 Nothing seems difficult. Archias has a 
 Noble, gallant spirit. 
 
 Epe. What then ? 
 
 Aga. He ever was a friend to virtue, and's of 
 Mazares' line, too. 
 
 Epe. Unfold the mystery. 
 
 Aga. What would you say if he's well belov'd 
 and active ?
 
 54 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Enter a Messenger. 
 
 Epe. Do you suspect me 1 
 
 Aga. Xo ; hut hold ! here's some upon us. 
 
 Mess. Which is the Lord Phihstus or Cleauder 1 
 either will serve, 
 
 Aga. What is your business 1 
 
 Mess. I've letters to the King. 
 
 Aga. Whence came you ] 
 
 Mess. From Messina. 
 
 Epe. How fares the Lord Planetius 1 
 
 Mess. His honour is in health. I'd fain be 
 discharged. 
 
 Aga. What news, what news 1 We'll bring you 
 to the King. 
 
 Mess. Extreme good, gentlemen. The late 
 tyrant, after his defeat, going for Italy, was sur- 
 prised by some of Tyche, in the province of Yallis 
 de Noto, killed, and cast into the river — a death 
 too good for him. 
 
 Aga. So, sir — 
 
 Epe. Oh, forbear ! But hear me, friend ; is this 
 news certain 1 
 
 Mess. My Lord Planetius, the Provinciall of 
 Mona, had it so, sir, and he hath sent the same 
 unto the King ; I can say no more on't, sir. Please 
 you to bring me to those gentlemen. 
 
 Aga. There's enough in Court to show you ; you 
 may walk thither, sir. 
 
 Mess. I could liave done that without all this 
 ado, sir. [Exit MESSENGER. 
 
 Epe. Passion's too much your enemy. 
 
 Aga. Dog ! — A death too good for him 1 
 
 Epe. What think you now on the business you 
 were upon 1 
 
 Aga. I am beside myself ; my courage leaves me.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 55 
 
 And reason tells me now I must be tame. 
 The King — 
 
 Enter Mazares, Oleander, Philistus, 
 Adulanter, etc., Messenger. 
 
 Maz. Were not the villains found ] 
 
 Mess. I do not know, an't please your Majesty. — 
 The King seems to be troubl'd at this news ; 
 
 [Aside. 
 I'll change my note. — 'Tis like they were, 
 For w' heard the Frovinciall of Vallis de Noto had 
 Appointed the death of somebody. 
 
 Maz. He did but justice, then. Oh, Philistus, 
 And you, my honoured lords, our griefs want 
 
 utterance ! 
 He was our brother, though our country's enemy. 
 And they have ta'en away a part of us 
 That sent him hence. It was a deed — though 
 
 Heaven's 
 Just hand was in't — we cannot but lament. 
 Your pardon, supreme i)owers ! 
 
 Fhili. Most pious Prince ! 
 
 Maz. Blame us not, my lords. "We say again, 
 He was our brother, and we cannot stop 
 The course of nature. [Seems to tceep. 
 
 Aga. Can this be real 1 
 
 Mess. He was a gracious Prince, there's the 
 truth on't ; 
 I could weep too for him. 
 
 Adul. How, you villain 1 
 
 Mess, Why, the King is not offended with me, I 
 hope 1 Alas, I have nature in me too ! Good, 
 virtuous Prince Evander ! 
 
 Adul. Hast thou a mind to be hanged 1 
 
 Mess. How 1 Is the wind at that door ] No, 
 sir, not for e'er a dead prince in Christendom.
 
 56 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Your IMajesty may spare your tears, for in truth 
 and verity he was but so so. 
 
 Maz. Friend, didst not say 
 Tliat th' actors were punished by Missellus ] 
 
 Mess. So I heard, an't hke your Highness. 
 
 Mas. 'Tis strange ! 
 Planetius writes not so, but it's very Hkely. 
 Misselhis has in many things been seen 
 Ready and active for him, and no doubt 
 Woukl now — 
 
 Cle. Come, come ! Missellus grows too popular ; 
 Your Majesty may think on some more faithful. 
 
 3Iaz. We guess your meaning. Philistus, 
 We shall despatch you upon some affairs 
 As soon as we can shake this sadness off. 
 And our mind's fit for business. 
 
 Phili. It becomes my duty to wait your Highness' 
 pleasure. 
 
 Maz. Fellow, attend our secretary for confirmation 
 Of the Provinciallship of Mona to Planetius. 
 Come, my lords ! [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Archias and Harmonia. 
 
 Har. Begone so soon, my lord 1 Y'are hardly 
 entered 
 My father's house ! Though th' entertainment 
 
 comes 
 Short of your merits, my lord, believe 't, y'are 
 
 welcome 
 To poor Harmonia. 
 
 At. Th' art rich in all that's good, 
 
 And that's a dower Queens would be glad to 
 
 boast of 
 Since thy descent to love me, I'm exalted 
 Above a Monarch's happiness ! 
 
 Har. And part so soon ?
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 57 
 
 You have some other mistress, whose heaven 
 Depends upon your visit. 
 
 Ar. Pretty jealousy ! 
 
 How sweetly it becomes her ! Believe me, dearest, 
 By the blest hopes I have in thee, not any 
 Beauty in Sicily — if there can any be 
 Besides thyself, for in thee is the full 
 Perfection of all beauty met — has part 
 Of the least thought of mine ! 
 
 Har, You shall not go, though, yet. 
 
 Enter Cleander. 
 
 Ar. Thy father ! Wilt thou now license me 
 to go ] - 
 I'll see thee ere the sun be six hours older. 
 
 [Offers to go off. 
 
 Cle. My Lord Archias, you have honour'd me 
 Exceedingly by this your visit. I hope my coming 
 Does not remove you hence. 
 
 Ar. ]\Iy good lord, 
 
 Excuse me, I beseech you. Did not business 
 Of much concernment call me hence, I should 
 Account that time well spent wherein I might 
 Serve vou and your fair daughter. 
 
 Cle. Pleasure yourself, my lord. 
 
 Ar. I am your lordship's servant. Adieu, sweet ! 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Cle. Harmonia, 
 I guess this young lord loves thee ; 
 His often visits promise some such business. 
 But I'd not have you countenance it. 
 
 Har. Why, I beseech you, sir ] 
 You have been pleas'd to lavish forth his praises 
 Beyond the common character. I've heard you 
 
 say, 
 With pardon, sir, he had much virtue in him.
 
 58 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Cle. And has so. But he cannot bring his heart 
 T' affect this King, although he be his kinsman. 
 
 liar. That is no crime worthy my notice, sir, 
 Much less my disrespect. Pray, give me leave 
 To use him with but that civility 
 Becomes the education of your daughter. 
 
 Cle. My intents 
 Fly higher to advance thee. If I live, 
 And that the King perform his royal word, — 
 As that he dares not but do, — thou shalt stand 
 In competition with a Queen for greatness. 
 Mazares is too weak a politician 
 To think my vast soul can be hemm'd within 
 The circle of a province, when a Kingdom 
 Will scarce contain it. No ! I do but take 
 This as a spot of earth to what I aim at. 
 I mean to match thee, girl, unto some Prince, 
 By whose assistance I'll reach the ascendant, 
 The royal seat, Harmonia ; and then, 
 We are thy princely father ! Does 't not noise 
 Earely, my girl 1 The very sound inspires 
 My soul with flames of Majesty ! Go on. Oleander, 
 Till neighbouring Princes, wond'ring at thy fate, 
 With trembling sceptres dread their own estate ! 
 
 \_Exeuni. 
 
 Act II. — Scene i. 
 
 Enter Mazares, Philistus, Adulanter, and 
 Attendants. 
 
 Maz. Philistus, sit ; 
 Sit, Adulanter ! Who waits there ? \_Sit at tahle. 
 Guard. We, an't like your Grace. 
 Maz. Bring us wine !
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 59 
 
 "We are dispos'd to drown our Itrother's memory, 
 And its ajjpendant sorrows, in a full 
 Bowl of rich wine. 
 
 Fhili. Done like your princely self ! 
 
 Maz. What should we 
 Contract our youth to cares for, waste the heat 
 Beats in our agile veins, and draw upon 
 Our head a snowy periwig before 
 Age claims it 1 We are resolv'd to make 
 Our blooming years no prey for melancholy. 
 
 rhilL You are our sun, and we the infant plants 
 That take life from you. When your brow is 
 
 clouded, 
 We droop and pine, as wanting heat. Your 
 
 Highness 
 Now shows yourself in glory, and our heads, 
 That lately were press'd down with discontent, 
 Look up to bless the change. 
 
 j4dul. Your Highness put 
 
 Us all in fear you would convert your Court 
 Into a monastery. 
 
 Maz. Ha, ha, ha ! into a mouse-trap, rather ! 
 Philistus, to thee ! [Driiiks.] Fellow, let not any 
 Enter the presence if thou regard'st thy safety I 
 'Tis hop'd our subjects will allow us a time 
 Of mirth after our toil for them. 
 
 Phili. Whetlier they will or not, 
 Your Majesty has power to take it. 
 
 Maz. Howe'er we seem'd to take our brother's 
 death, 
 'T has brought on our security ; for such 
 As durst before speak loud and big, now dare not 
 Be seen to whisper 'gainst us. 
 
 FhiJi. 'Tis a ]ioint of policy, 
 High as your lligluiess' safety, to keep them 
 At such an awful distance. "There's Epecides —
 
 GO THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 3ras. A close and cunning sophister. He carries 
 A fire Avithin him scarce to be discerned. 
 
 Fhili. Agathocles comes not much short of him. 
 
 3Iaz. He has a daring soul, and does attract 
 The lewd, licentious people, as the fire 
 That draws ill vapours to 't. But we're resolv'd 
 He and the rest of 's insolent crew shall meet 
 Our justice if they submit not. 
 
 Phili. Your Majesty's brow 
 Is too serene ; something of wrath there seated 
 Would seem far better. 
 
 3Iaz. Where's our secretary 1 
 
 Adul. Call the King's secretary ! 
 
 Enter Secretary. 
 
 Maz. Hast done the patent we gave order for ? 
 
 Sec. 'Tis ready for your Majesty's signing. 
 
 Maz. Give us ink ! so. — Philistus, 
 We have just cause to doubt Missellus' faith too, 
 And therefore will remove him, and on thee 
 Confer the honour. He is seated like 
 A thorn in th' heart of Sicily, and must be 
 Cut off, lest he spread farther and do gore us. 
 
 [Gives him the patent. 
 Take this as earnest of our love to thee, 
 Whose loyalty we are assured of. 
 
 Phil. Fame 
 
 Shall spread your royal bounty through the world, 
 And may I leave* to Be Avhen I forget 
 To be your Highness' servant ! 
 
 Maz. Cleander had 
 
 Our promise for 't ; but we do know him one 
 Of an unconstant spirit, full of spleen, 
 A mind high and unbounded, and, to drive 
 On his own ends, will enter into league 
 
 * Cease.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. C 1 
 
 Witli Turk or devil. Tlicrefore 'tis not safe 
 
 For us to lay a trust of so high consequence 
 
 On such a frail foundation, — one whose faith 
 
 Complies with every wind, and strikes his sails 
 
 With every tide and change. Rut 
 
 You drink slowly. Come ! to thy 
 
 Good journey ! " [Cleander knochs. 
 
 Guard. The King is private. 
 
 Cle. I must speak with him. 
 
 Maz. Who's that so loud there ? 
 
 Guard. The Lord Cleander, 
 
 Maz. Tell him'tisnot our pleasure tobespokewith. 
 
 Guard. My lord, you hear the King ? 
 
 Cleander strives, and rushes in. 
 
 Cle. My business is of concernment ; 
 I will enter ! How's this 1 Surrounded 
 With his flatterers ! 'Tis like to be 
 A State well governed. 
 
 Maz. Sir, you are uncivil. 
 
 Cle. What mean you, royal sir 1 
 
 Maz. You're saucy ; we say again, you're saucy ! 
 
 Cle. How] 
 
 Maz. How durst you be so insolent ] 
 
 Cle. I have deserv'd, sir, better language from you. 
 My anger is too strong for my obedience, 
 And will have th' upper hand. I come 
 To t^laim yuur royal word. I am Cleander, sir. 
 Whose hand did seat the crown upon your head, sir I 
 
 Maz. Provoke us not ! 
 
 Phili. Good my lord, for your own safety — 
 Y^ou see the King is moved. 
 
 Cle. Moved] By Heaven, 
 
 I'll move him worse ! Tell me I'm insolent 1 
 
 Maz. And we sliall punish it, if you go not the 
 sooner.
 
 G2 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Cle. I will not hence, and you shall hear 
 me ! 
 
 Maz. Go ! you're impudent. 
 
 Cle. Am I so, sir ] 
 
 You did not tell me so when I did waste 
 Whole nights, and spent my spirits, to seduce 
 The people t' your party, and lost my blood 
 To serve you. I was not then — 
 
 Maz. Stir not in me 
 
 An anger that will shake thee ! 
 
 Cle. Whose head, whose heart, whose hand 
 appear'd till mine. 
 To make you what you are ? 
 
 Maz. If we be King, sir, you shall feel there is 
 A power belonging to 't. Where's our guard 1 
 Take him away ! 
 
 Phili. I beseech your Majesty ! 
 
 Cle. Effeminate lord ! I scorn to own a life 
 At thy petitioning ! Tyrant, do thy worst ! 
 Is this the reward for all my services 1 
 Sit with your crew of vaulters, and contrive 
 To turn your citadels to dancing schools. 
 Or stews fit for your purpose, till the soldiery, 
 Like to a sudden tempest, scour your follies 
 And whip you to repentance ! 
 
 Maz. Away with him ! 
 
 Guard. Come, my lord. 
 
 Cle. Yes, I shall go. Ungrateful Prince ! 
 May all thy brother's — [Drag him off. 
 
 Maz. Stop 's mouth. Away with him ! 
 So we are rid of th' screech owl. Did you e'er 
 Hear spleen better vented 1 All the physicians 
 Palermo holds could not discover his disease 
 Better than he has done 't himself. 
 
 Phili. And were I as your Majesty, I'd cure him 
 By th' head for 't.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. G3 
 
 Maz. 'Tis not safe yet ; but if this tame him not, 
 We sliall tiy higher. 
 
 Phili. The serpent spat, too, at me. 
 
 Maz. We'll have the venom from him, or his 
 life for 't ! 
 
 ^dul. He has a daughter of that beauty rare 
 Would thaw a Stoic's bosom ; 
 She carries the quintessence of youth about her. 
 
 3Iaz. Art thou acquainted witii her ? 
 
 Adul. Though I am not, I want not confidence, 
 If that may serve your Majesty. 
 
 3Iaz. Is she composed for mirth '{ 
 
 Adul. She bears a fame for virtue. 
 
 Maz. What should we do with her, then 1 
 She is no match for us. 
 
 Adid. If your Majesty have a mind to her, 
 I'll batter all her virtues with your glories ; 
 And, 'less a host of angels come to guard her. 
 She shall not pass my purchase. 
 
 Fhili. When you storm her, let not a repulse or two 
 Make you draw off your siege ; the third assault 
 Constrains her to surrender. 
 
 Adul. I am not, my lord. 
 
 To learn the art of courtship ; I have more 
 Designs than one upon her. 
 
 Maz. We do like 
 
 The law Lycurgus made, and will ordain 
 The like amongst us. Why should youth bo 
 
 curtail'd 
 Of that delight nature intended it ] 
 Men's wives shall have the liberty to choose 
 A friend to play the husband's i)art sometimes. 
 
 Phili. Does your Majesty intend to marry ? 
 
 3Iaz. Marriage is but a church device, that would 
 Prefer sobriety amongst the virtues — 
 A stale, unsavoury thing ; whenas variety
 
 64 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Gives life to every sense, and doth beget 
 An appetite when th' other smothers it ! 
 Adulanter, try thy skill ; we shall reward it. 
 
 Adul. I warrant she's your Majesty's. 
 
 Maz. Come, Philistus ; 
 We'll bring thee on thy way. And lest Misselliis 
 Should prove stiff-necked, and not yield his 
 
 obedience 
 To our commands, our General shall send 
 AVith thee five thousand men to force admittance. 
 Leontium, Tyche, and Neapolis 
 Stand fast to us, and will assist you if 
 The Syracusians should stand out. 
 
 Fhili. Your Majesty does enrich me with your 
 bounty. 
 
 IFaz. Adulanter, we shall find employment 
 worthy 
 Thy liking in Palermo. We will have 
 Thee near us. 
 
 Adul. Your Highness' vassal ! 
 
 3Iaz. _ _ 'Tisfit 
 
 Royalty should maintain them which uphold it. 
 
 [EzetmL 
 
 Enter Agathocles and Epecides. 
 
 Aga. He is my King ; his brother's death hath 
 made 
 His title good, and I must bring my heart 
 Down to obedience. 
 
 E})^. Then you begin to cool 1 
 
 Aga. I'm not convinced in conscience that 'tis 
 lawful 
 T' oppose the power now o'er us, since the hand 
 Of Heaven is in 't, whose high decrees we ought 
 
 not 
 To question or dispute.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. C5 
 
 Enter Archias. 
 
 Epe. A hapj)y morning 
 
 To th' noble Lord Archias ! 
 
 Ar. The like to your honours ! 
 
 You heard the news ? 
 
 Epe. 'Wliat is't, my lord ? 
 
 Ar. Philistus is made Provinciall of Vallis de 
 Noto, 
 
 Epe. How likes Oleander it 1 
 
 Ar. He's otherwise provided for — committed, 
 Upon displeasure Mazares has ta'en against him. 
 
 Epe. That's news indeed ! 
 
 Aga. What ! Cleander, the magazine of policy ! 
 Is he blown up 1 Mazares' only Atlas, 
 That shouldered him into the throne 1 
 
 Epe. This is some State gin, sonie trick politic. 
 
 Ar. Believe 't, 'tis true. 
 
 Epe. How can Mazares be without him ? 
 
 Ar. Oh, my lord, 
 Mazares used Cleander as the lame 
 Do their supporting crutches — that's no longer 
 Than as they need 'em ; when that tliey are able 
 To walk alone, they cast 'em from 'em. 
 
 Aga. Ha, ha, ha ! I'm glad on't, with all my 
 heart ! 
 Mazares never acted a thing as yet 
 So near commenilable justice : fair Astrea 
 May give it a just plaudit. 
 
 ^Ir. But con.'^ider, 
 
 If such Avho have ventured their ])urt of heaven 
 To do him service are not free from 's tyranny, 
 Where rests our safety 1 
 
 Epe. It is high injustice 
 
 So to reward him. 
 
 Aga. In the survey of politics, 
 
 E
 
 66 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Dost find a traitor otherwise rewarded 1 
 
 Stands it with thy discretion to let loose 
 
 A tiger when th'ast moved him into anger 1 
 
 No ; 'tis a way both safe and full of justice 
 
 To chain such danger up. Had he done otherwise, 
 
 He had been fitter rather to have ruled 
 
 A sheephook than a sceptre. 
 
 Ar. Come, you are too bitter. 
 Think on Oleander's age, and lend your aid. 
 
 Aga. He should have knowai more wtue in his 
 youth, 
 And then his age had now been tempest-proof. 
 
 Ar. For my sake, good my lord, and for his 
 daughter's ! 
 
 Aga. Ay, — now, my lord, you speak, — you are 
 concern'd in't. 
 
 Ar. Your own and all our freedoms are con- 
 cern'd in't. 
 Shall we pay duty and obedience 
 To him who does instruct us to rebel 
 By his own precedent 1 Are we to learn 
 How he obtained the sceptre 1 Or want we 
 
 sense 
 To feel how he employs it 1 AYas it not 
 His own insinuating tenet to 
 The people, 'gainst his brother, that the virtue 
 And justice of the Prince were th' only bonds 
 That bound the people to him, and when he 
 Should violate either they were tied no longer 1 
 Are we not freemen, then 1 
 
 Epe. Highly requisite. 
 
 Ar. \Yhere is the common right, 
 Our just inheritance, bought with the blood 
 Of our indulgent ancestors, whose valour 
 Bounded the royal power so, it durst not 
 Spread beyond th' acts of piety and justice 1
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Enter Archbishop. 
 
 Aga. See what love and women can do ! 
 
 Ar. My Lord Arclibishop, you are happily come 
 To contribute your advice. 
 
 Arch. My honoured lords, 
 
 The safety of your persons frees my soul, 
 That lately was a slave to fear and jealousy. 
 
 A<ja. Ay, churchman ; 'twas your fears and 
 jealousies 
 Heaved first at our foundation. Sicily had been 
 Clear from infection had not your hot lungs 
 Spat the contagion. It was you gave reins 
 To the licentious people, that, like negroes, 
 Shot their envenom'd darts at th' rays of Majesty, 
 Whose careful heat did warm them. 
 
 ylrch. You mistake ; 
 
 We aimed at no such thing, but to discharge 
 Our duties to our country. 
 
 ^l{f(t. And y'ave proved 
 
 The most undutiful'st of all her children ! 
 And finding now the end of your ambition 
 Of being Cardinal is clear laid open, 
 liy Avhioh your pride is like to be ol)scured, 
 You do begin to belch forth fresh sedition, 
 And create new distempers, 'cause Mazares 
 AVill not do what you'd have him. 
 
 .Itch. I come not, sir, 
 
 To bandy words. The Avorld knows what I did 
 "Was in relation to the Church's peace, 
 Ilowe'er you term it ; but so full of i)oison 
 I find the gilded pills of his professions, 
 That plainly I must tell you, without fear, 
 I heartily do wish those hands, that were 
 Employed to seat him o'er us, had been used 
 To put him in his grave.
 
 68 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Ar. Or been lopp'd off 
 
 Before they had contracted such an ill 
 Upon our country ! 
 
 Epe. There's no time too late 
 
 To lance the ulcer, and give ease unto 
 The groaning people, if my Lord Agathocles 
 AVill call to mind his death that whets the 
 
 instrument, 
 Whose precious memory will give life to all 
 Our undertakings. 
 
 Ar. Come, my lord ! I'll have 
 
 The Bishop and you reconciled. We'll to 
 Oleander's house, Avhere the poor lady mourns 
 Her father's absence ; there we will consult 
 On some way to obtain his and our freedoms. 
 
 Aga. Let not the churchman be in it, and 
 then 
 Doubt not but we shall make all right again. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Adulanter and three or four Soldiers. 
 
 Adul. This is her walk. I hope you do not faint 
 At the design, now 'tis so near attempting 1 
 
 1 Sol. Yes, I warrant you, as though she were 
 the first wench we have had occasion to make 
 use of ! 
 
 2 Sol. Why, what do you take us to be 1 Milk- 
 sops? I tell you, sir, we are gentlemen in the 
 first place, soldiers in the second, and men in the 
 last place. 
 
 Adul. Good reason the last should take place of 
 the first, then ; but stay, 
 Yonder's the bird for which we wait ! I'll try 
 
 Enter Harmonia. 
 If she will come to hand ; if not, your net
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 69 
 
 Sliall noose her into lameness. Stand close ! — 
 Hail, madam ! heaven's epitome, on whose 
 Blest smiles the happiness of Kings depends ! 
 Pleasure and health attend you ! 
 
 Har. I thank you, sir ; 
 But here it is unseasonable, where sorrow 
 Has its predominance. 
 
 Adnl. I hring you comfort. 
 
 If you l)ut please to honour the address 
 With kind acceptance. 
 
 Har. Has my ruthless fortune 
 
 More miseries to heap on me, tliat she 
 Presents me with such shadows of her favour ] 
 
 Adul. The King, to whom your father's life is 
 forfeit, 
 Throws both it and his own into your lap. 
 If you will be so wise as to receive 'em. 
 
 Har. Could I express a thankfulness beyond 
 The duty that I owe 'n my prayers for him, 
 It should fly to him. Pray be pleased to teach me 
 The way to it. 
 
 Adul. Fame has been busy 
 
 In giving to the King an estimate 
 Of your perfections, whose high value fills 
 Th' exchequer of his breast ; and 'tis your love 
 Must free the heart your bounty has subdued. 
 
 Har. I'm ignorant of your meaning. 
 
 Adul. To be his mistress. 
 
 Har. Or, in plainer terms, which shows the 
 truth on't, 
 To be his whore? 
 
 Adul. Fie ! that is too common. 
 
 Consider, madam, he that courts you is 
 Your King, Avho may compel where he entreats ; 
 And you will forfeit your allegiance if 
 You should deny him.
 
 70 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 n<ir. To the gods I sliouUl, 
 
 Durst I presume to grant it. If my father 
 Must not enjoy his life hut on the terms 
 Of my dishonour, th' duty that I owe 
 To heaven and goodness will implead against 
 The bonds of nature, which can challenge but 
 The life it gave ; and that I'll offer up 
 To ransom his. 
 
 Adul. That will not serve the turn : 
 
 You must to Court. 
 
 Har. I'll first go to my grave. 
 
 Adul. Nay, then, adieu compliment, and to your 
 business, fellows ! 
 
 Har. What mean you 1 
 
 Adul. To hide your blushes, madain. 
 
 Har. Help, helj), help ! 
 
 [They throw a silk hag over her ; she strives 
 ivith them; they stop her mouth tvith a 
 glove, and bind her hands and feet. 
 
 Adul. Stop her mouth ! 
 
 Enter Agathocles, Archias, Epecides, and 
 Archbishop. 
 
 Aga. I am o'ercome in reason, and do crave 
 Your lordship's pardon. 
 
 Arch. My lord, you have my heart 
 
 At your disposing. 
 
 Ar. This reconcilement's handsome. 
 
 Adul. So, the field's our own ! Take up your 
 Bag and baggage ; march fair and softly. 
 When we come to Court we'll share the booty. 
 
 [As they are mrrying her away they meet the 
 lords ; they cast her down and run back 
 A plague upon 't ! Down with your load, and 
 
 make 
 An honourable retreat ! [Exeunt.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 71 
 
 Ar. 'Twas Adulantcr ! What's tliis 1 it moves I 
 \llnhimh her ; takes the (jlove out of her mouth. 
 Your lielp, my lords ! Ah, 'tis Ilarmonia ! 
 
 Arch. What monstrous stratagem had they upon 
 
 her] 
 liar. Air is a blessing. Oli, let me have more 
 
 on't! 
 Ar. Dear madam, speak your wrongs, and we 
 will right you, 
 If the best blood in Sicily can do 't. 
 
 Har. My life and honour — far more precious — 
 were 
 Designed for slaughter ! 
 
 Aga. How, madam 1 By Avhom 1 
 liar. By him Avho should protect the innocent, — 
 The lawless King, whose causeless Avrath upon 
 My father nothing could appease, unless 
 I made sale of my vii'tue and my youth 
 To satisfy his lust. 
 
 Ar. Whose fire we'll quench 
 
 AVith his own blood ! Be confident, Harmonia, 
 Thy father shall outlive his ])ower and cruelty. 
 Aga. If we take not this edge oH', we shall 
 have 
 Our wives and daugliters mad\! the subjects of 
 Our scorn and shame, and be squeaked out in 
 
 ballads 
 For honourable cuckolds, princely panders. 
 Whose soul is so besotted to his fear 
 He can contract it to a minute's patience ? 
 Arch. Not I ! 
 
 Ejie. Nor I ! Sure he does think the gods 
 Are all asleep, or have forgot to punish. 
 
 Ar. Hence, patience! thou fools' virtue! Ill 
 shake off 
 Thy coldness with the witchcraft of obedience,
 
 72 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 "Who have so long kept me in cells of slavery 
 I could not see the glory of my freedom. 
 
 Aga. We'll kindle all our vigour at thy flame, 
 And teach our knees to pay their homage to 
 No power but thine ! My lords, if that we be 
 All of one mind, cry, Long live Archias ! 
 
 Ar. I wait not for that dignity, believe me. 
 All my ambition is to free this lady 
 From th' ghastly fears that haunt her, and give 
 
 liberty 
 Unto her happiness by her father's freedom. 
 
 Arch. Which to achieve, my lord, receive the 
 power 
 Heaven and we offer you. Monreall is 
 Your own already. 
 
 Aga. And the Agrigentines 
 
 Proclaim you in my voice their lawful King. 
 
 Epe. And all the citizens in Palermo speak 
 The like in me. Long live Archias ! 
 
 Omnes. Long live Archias ! 
 
 Ar. My lords, forbear ! Mazares lives. 
 
 Arch. Abhorred of the gods, and 'tis but justice 
 Totakehimoflf! 
 
 Ar. Heaven fit me for the trust 
 
 You throw on me ! And now, Harmonia, 
 Sweet empress of my soul, receive thy Archias, 
 Who must not know a joy but what thou shar'st of. 
 Oleander freed, we shall request your hand 
 To join our hearts, my lord. 
 
 Arch. Where virtue keeps 
 
 Her Court, the gods are guests. Your choice is 
 heavenly. 
 
 Heir. I was ev'n now the wretched'st of all 
 living, 
 And now am lifted to a happiness 
 That Queens would kneel to purchase.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. I i 
 
 My dear lord ! 
 
 yir. My heaven on earth ! 
 
 Aga. Think on your business, sir ; 
 The perfecting of that gives length unto 
 Your amorous days. 
 
 Epe. AVhose flourishing Ave wish. 
 
 Ar. My lords, my thanks. A\'ith your advice I 
 move ; 
 No engine is so powerful as your love. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Mazares and Adulanter. 
 
 Adul. The finest, coming'st lady that your 
 Highness 
 Could wish to meet witlial, and rarely handsome. 
 
 Maz. And did accept our profiler 1 
 
 Adul. As greedily 
 
 As bees suck sweetness from the fragrant stock 
 Of Flora's early bounty ! 
 
 3Iaz. I'm all aflame ! 
 
 By Heaven, not one of them sliall 'scape my fury ! 
 
 Adul. Nay, I think I had like to have maul'd 
 two of them, 
 Had not the churchman, with his club-law 
 
 precepts, 
 Beat down my resolutions. 
 
 Maz. Damn his daubing ! 
 
 He is that knack religious mountebank, 
 A box of frenzied zeal, which he applies 
 On all occasions to all sorts of sores. 
 And racks tlie patient with more fear and torment 
 Than hell itself can put him to. 
 
 Adul. A coat ^ 
 
 He wears that has been turned seven times ! 
 
 Maz. "Which we will turn o'er's cars, and then 
 turn them. 
 Oppose our pleasure ? He, and all the rest
 
 74" THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Of his confederates, shall know we wear 
 Our crown not for a cipher, and our sceptre 
 Shall prove a scourge to them. They have awak'd 
 A fury that no prayers can allay. 
 Haste to the Governor Icetis ; tell hira 
 It is our will Oleander's spirit leave 
 The world with speed and privacy. Proclaim 
 Our cock-brain'd cousin and the piebald church- 
 man, 
 Agathocles and Epecides, traitors ; 
 And such as shall take them, five thousand talents. 
 So violent I grow in my desire, 
 I must enjoy it, or set all on fire ! [Exeunt. 
 
 Act III. — Scene i. 
 
 Enter Evander and Missellus. 
 
 Eva. Pursued by my bad fate, whose cruelty 
 I knew would not admit of any mean 
 Should it once seize on me, I struck myself 
 Into disguise, by whose obscurity 
 I came to Tyche ; there gave out my hand 
 Had kill'd Evander, at which some that were 
 My enemies gave tokens of their sorrow ; 
 Others, who thought their rising not secure 
 'Less by my irrecoverable fall, 
 Highly applauded me. At last a remnant 
 Of my poor friends, resolved to pay their last 
 Service unto my memory, though with 
 The loss of their estates and lives, did lay 
 Plots to destroy me as the horrid murderer ; 
 And I, not daring to open myself 
 To them, for fear I should let in the fury
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 75 
 
 (^f my stern adversaries, did steal away 
 With the night's silence. 
 
 Mis. Though the beginning of 
 
 This story melts my soul, yet l*rovidence 
 Is seen in th' Avinding up, which did direct 
 Your Highness hither, wliere you're as secure 
 From danger as your thoughts are in your bosom. 
 
 JEva. We doul)t it not. 
 
 Mis. You dead, wliat can Mazares 
 Pretend to keep his armies up ? This I'll 
 Possess the people with, and stir them to 
 Propose their straight <lis])anding, whicli if 
 
 granted, 
 The course of fate is turned, and he left naked 
 And shelterless from any storm may happen. 
 On t' other side, if he denies it, then 
 Th' incensed people, like a sudden earthcpiake, 
 Removes him, were his pride more mountainous 
 Than are his vices monstrous. Thus on all sides 
 I'll hem him in, so he shall know no way 
 To 'scape your vengeance. Be but pleased to sufter 
 Under this cloud awhile, and you'll appear 
 More glorious to your people's eyes and hearts 
 When time presents a fitness for discovery. 
 
 Eva. Thou art our faithful counsellor, and we, 
 Next to the gods, do owe ourself to thee. 
 
 [Excunf. 
 
 Enter Philistus, Thimistius, Philander, and 
 Soldiers. 
 
 PhiJi We are not far from Syracuse ; this 
 passage 
 Is tlie direct line to 't, as the map spealvs. 
 
 Thi. My lord, I hope your honour will not show 
 Yourself so much a stranger to designs 
 Of war as to give them th' advantage of
 
 76 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 A parley, but rush suddenly upon them, 
 And, like a torrent, Ave'll bear all before us. 
 There's soldier in 't. 
 
 Phili. It is too rash advice. 
 
 And must be slighted. Missellus is a person 
 That roughness will not work upon, 
 
 Thi. ^ ^ My lord, 
 
 He is no coward, and his honour's linked 
 Unto his life. He that will seek the one 
 Must venture for the other, or lose both. 
 
 Phili. If my desires effect but what they aim at, 
 I care not when or how 'tis purchased. 
 Haste you with the King's letter to Missellus ; 
 Tell him 'tis my desire to keep the league 
 Of friendship 'twixt us, and without a bustle — 
 Which may let forth some blood — have him 
 
 surrender. 
 Tell him 'tis no displeasure that the King 
 Has ta'en against him that occasions this. 
 But to give ease unto his age, and draw 
 Him nearer him at Court, where he shall find 
 The service of his youth in 's latter days 
 Crowned with a peaceful laurel, and content 
 Add length unto his years. 
 
 Philan. I go, my lord ! 
 
 [Exit Philander. 
 
 Phili. Thimistius, march fair and softly, we 
 shall be 
 Too soon upon 'em else. This cannot but 
 Insinuate a faith into him to 
 Give way to my admittance, since the offer 
 Carries so full a sense of fairness in 't, 
 
 Thi. My lord, he's not to learn this principle — 
 Where Princes call back honours done, the life 
 Is the next thing in question. 
 
 Phili. Let the Fates
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 77 
 
 Contrive their worst against it ; if Antanter 
 Bring us supplies from the Provincial! 
 Of Mona, we will fire it but we'll have it. 
 m. Well, my lord, the craft 's in th' catching. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Missellus, Philander, and Attendants. 
 
 Mis. Dost come to dare me, fellow ] 
 
 Fhilan. I conceive, 
 With favour of your Excellence, the terms 
 Are very civil, and no danger in 'em. 
 
 Mis. I shall reward his subtle modesty. 
 If I but get him here, as I will you. 
 The worthy messenger. Take 's head off ! 
 
 rhihin. You dare not ! 
 
 Mis. Thou art mistaken, friend. Away with 
 him ! 
 Oh that I could with as much ease destroy 
 All th' barbarous enemies of my wronged sovereign ! 
 Make strong the gates and walls, and let the Fort 
 Hexapile be stoutly manned ; we'll be 
 Prepared to whip the boy and 's company. 
 
 [Exeimt. 
 
 Enter Philistus, Thimistius, and Soldiers. 
 
 Phili. The gates are shut against us. 
 2'hi. What think you now on 't ? 
 Fhili. Beat a parley. 
 
 [The head of Philander is thrown over 
 the wall. 
 IIow 's this 1 — Philander's head ? 
 
 Thi. Which you might have preserv'd upon his 
 shoulders. 
 Had you given but regard vnito my counsel. 
 But you are lordly wise, and, 'cause you can 
 Batter a lady's fort with your fine rhetoric,
 
 78 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 You think the town's your own, and men are 
 
 bound 
 To bend unto your compHment, or trust 
 The glass of your deceit. 
 
 PhiU. 'Tis fine ! affronted 
 
 By greasy buff and brisket ! 
 
 Thi. Some strong water, 
 
 To keep the thing from fainting ! Poor young 
 
 man, 
 How pale he looks ujion 't ! 
 
 Pliili. Take thy reward ! 
 
 [Pistols Mm. 
 Sol. Our Colonel slain ! 
 
 Enter Antanter. 
 
 Phili. Were there more living of his saucy nature, 
 I'd send them after him. Antanter, Avhat 
 Says the Provinciall 1 
 
 Ant. He'll do nothing, sir. 
 
 Without a warrant from the King. He says 
 He does believe there will be no such need ; 
 Missellus will resign upon fair terms. 
 
 Phili. But you see how it is 1 
 
 [Antanter looks on Thimistius' body. 
 
 Ant. I do indeed, 
 
 And sorrow that I see 't. How came Thimistius 
 By this his death 1 
 
 Sol. That lord's hand did it. 
 
 Ant. How ^ 
 
 Phili. Come, we will A^enture with the men we 
 have 
 To scale the walls. 
 
 Ant. We will not scale, sir. 
 
 Phili. So ! 
 
 You will not 1 Very good. Do you see this head, 
 sirl
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 79 
 
 Ant. And that body too, sir. 
 
 Fhili. Let me have ]>etter language, or, by Heaven, 
 I'll make you as tame as these ! 
 
 Aiif. You cannot, sir. 
 
 FhUL How ? 
 
 An(. 'Tis not all 
 
 The strength you have in feather or perfume 
 Can fright me, sir. Your amber bracelets carry 
 Not half the terror of chained shot ; nor is 
 Your title lord a bulwark to defend you. 
 
 Phili. You're a rascal ! 
 Come, soldiers, march with me ! 
 
 Ant Not a man stir ! 
 
 There's satisfaction to be given for 
 The life of that brave man, which I "will have, 
 Or pay my own. 
 
 Sol. Gallant major ! 
 
 Fhili. I shall not spare to give you, sir, your due. 
 
 [Strikes him. 
 
 Ant. I'll not be backward in rewarding it. 
 
 [Ildurns it, and draws. 
 
 Fhili. You are pot-valiant, sir, it seems. 
 
 Ant. 'Tis past the art of man to make you so. 
 I am a soldier, sir. [Dnucs, jhjlds. 
 
 Fhili. And must be beat 
 
 Into civility. I'll make you know 
 There is a difference 'twixt us ! 
 
 Ant. True, indeed ; 
 
 You can out-talk me. 
 How do you, sir? [Philtstus icounded. 
 
 Fhili. You shall know by and b}', sir. I am 
 
 Di 
 
 es. 
 
 lost ! 
 
 Ant. Farewell, thou tyrant over woman's tiesh ! 
 Take up Tliimistius' body ; it shall have 
 An honourable burial. As for his, 
 Let it remain a sport for the Syracusiaus.
 
 80 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 The King, I know, will run beside himself 
 To hear on 's minion's loss ; but you, I hope, 
 My friends and fellow-soldiers, will wade with me 
 Through all the lakes of danger 1 
 
 Sol. We'll never leave you ! 
 
 Ant. Bravely resolv'd ! And I Avill die with 
 you ! [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Missellus and Soldiers. 
 
 Mis. They're marched away ! "What's here 1 
 Philistus' body, 
 Our late competitor ] Why, here's revenge 
 Strangely effected ! See the fate of traitors ! 
 How wonderfully Heaven does bring about 
 Their punishment, that, like to cannibals. 
 The one doth eat the other ! Bring it in ! 
 My hate ends with his life, and now my charity. 
 Though he deserv'd it not, will give him burial. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 [Archias, Agathocles, Epecides, Ole- 
 ander, and ICETIS pass over the stage ; 
 the people folloiv, crying, " An Archias ! 
 An Archias ! An Archias ! " 
 
 Enter Mazares, Adulanter, and Attendants, 
 
 Adul. Their envy is invincible, and the people — 
 Time's shuttlecocks — do bring unto your gates 
 The hideous shape of danger. 
 
 Maz. My deceit 
 
 Shall rock that monster into sleep, had it 
 More eyes than Argus ! 
 
 Adul. 'Tis impossible. 
 
 The Agrigentines have thrown off obedience ; 
 Monreall is revolted ; all your castles 
 And strongholds in Palermo are deliver'd 
 Into their hands ; the magistrates join with them !
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 81 
 
 Maz. Go, use thy best endeavours, Aduianter, 
 To appease the people ! Turn right courtier ; 
 
 promise. 
 And we'll perform at leisure. 
 
 JcIhI. Your Highness, 
 
 I hope, is not in earnest ? I go amongst 'em 1 
 Have you a mind to have my brains beat out ? 
 I am your pimp, they say, sir ; am so hated, 
 The very boys throw turap tops at me I 
 
 Maz. Alas, po(jr Aduianter ! We will blow 
 This storm away, ne'er fear it. Let our guard 
 Be doul)led, till we can send t' Hermocrates 
 To bring his forces hither ! If the traitors 
 Come not too suddenly upon us, we 
 Will turn the poisoned darts they'd throw at us 
 'Gainst their own bosoms. They do play Avitli fire 
 Till it consume 'em. 
 
 ^■Idul. They, like moles, have worked 
 In darkness all this while to set the Kingdom 
 In such a Hame tliat might both perish yon 
 And all your friends. 
 
 Maz. Fire sooner may dissolve 
 
 The adamant ! — the parched negroes strike 
 Through th' battlements of heaven ! We are 
 
 above 
 The reach of malice ; fortune is obliged 
 To wait upon our merit, and our influence 
 Can in a breath disperse their proud designs, 
 As winds divest the trees of leaves. Let fear 
 Dwell among fools ; 't shall have no harbour here ! 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Archias, Archbishop, Agathocles, 
 Ei'ECiDEs, and Soldiers. 
 
 Jr. Leave it to me; I'll do the business, 
 
 F 
 
 gentlemen.
 
 82 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Arch. 'Tis not discretion to expose your person 
 So unconcern'd in this ; 'tis we, the people, 
 Whose wrongs infer the cause. 
 
 Ar. Which I must manage. 
 
 You've made me your protector and revenger, 
 Which I'll perform. Did gloomy magic guard 
 
 him, 
 Or were he wrapt in air, or hid in some 
 Dark cavern of the earth, my heart, grown big. 
 Like dire revenging thunder, would make through 
 The bodies of them both to find him out. 
 
 Aga. Our lives shall wait on yours through 
 danger's mouth. 
 
 Sol. An Archias ! An Archias ! [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Mazares and Adulanter. 
 
 Adul. They have surprised the guards, and are 
 
 upon us ! 
 Maz. Haste to the winner ; leave us to our 
 fortune. 
 Provide for thy own safety ; we are armed 
 With resolution to o'ercome the worst 
 The fates can throw upon us. Leave us, leave us! 
 Adul. They'll hang me, sir, and I've no mind at 
 this time 
 To such a death. 
 
 Maz. Trifle not away 
 
 The time ; they will not. Go, leave us ! 
 
 Adul. Well, if I chance to swing, pray Heaven 
 I may 
 Have heart enough to bear it. \_Exit. 
 
 Maz. Injurious fate! for all the pride thou tak'st 
 In my destruction, thus I will eml^race thee ! 
 
 [Takes the sword off the table ; hisses it. 
 Mischiefs, like waves, tumble o'er one another 
 To beat themselves upon me, and they're welcome.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 83 
 
 This passes nie througli all. Poor, ignorant souls, 
 That start at death, and think him terrible ; 
 llis shape appears to nie worthy the courting, 
 And, like my friend, I kiss him. On this point 
 
 [Kisses fhe swcrrd. 
 He shows himself most lovely, decked with all 
 The ornaments of honour fame can give him. 
 Thus I salute thee, thus again I greet thee, 
 
 [Opens his dmhlet. 
 And thus I offer up a heart unto thee — 
 A heart thy terror cannot tame. 'Tis love 
 Of thy sweet fellowship o'ercomes me, not 
 A fear to meet thee that my soul disdains. 
 Mazares ! dwell not on delays ; be high 
 In thy resolves : as thou hast liv'd, so die ! 
 
 [Throws himself iipon his svnvd. 
 Oh, I have prevented you ! [Falls. 
 
 [A greaf shout loiihin. 
 
 Enter Archias, Archbishop, Agathocles, 
 Epecides, and Soldiers. 
 
 Ar. And I 
 
 Envy thy death, in that I lose 
 The glory of saving of thy life. 
 
 Maz. Which must have lasted 
 But, pageant-like, two days upon your triumphs, 
 And my shame been perpetual. 
 
 Arch. Do you find 
 
 Any remorse within you ? Do the wrongs 
 You've offer'd to the gods, in pulling down 
 Their temjjles and their altars, work up»)n you 
 Any show of repentance ] 
 
 Maz. Tliou church glow-worm, 
 
 Who dost pretend a heat of zeal, yet art 
 Colder than th' Alps in charity if proved. 
 My enmity to thee gives strength unto me,
 
 84 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 And I could — But oli ! I fail. This my death 
 Shall prove a monument to my glory. Farewell ! 
 
 [Dies. 
 
 Enter a Soldier unth Adulanter. 
 
 Sol. Here is another of the crew ! 
 
 ylr. Hang him up ! 
 
 Adid. Who 1 — me, sir 1 I ne'er dreamt of ill 
 against you ; have prayed as heartily for you as for 
 any man living ; for I may speak a proud Avord, 
 I never prayed in my life. I hope my mother 
 brought me up better than so to be hanged. 
 
 Cle. Let me beseech your pardon for him. Alas ! 
 He is not worth your justice, and may prove 
 Useful hereafter — to me. [Aside. 
 
 Ar. Noble father, 
 
 For so we must be taught to call you, you 
 Have greater power upon us than this grant ; 
 'Tis yours as soon as asked. 
 
 Adid. Heaven bless the King ! 
 
 Ar. Take up Mazares' body. His rites over, 
 The next thing we shall do is to perform 
 Our vows made to the gods, and take Harmonia, 
 Your daughter, to our bed. 
 
 Cle. And the next thing [Aside. 
 
 That follows is thy death. I must be King ! 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Act IV. — Scene i. 
 
 Elder Arciiias, Harmonia, Archbishop, Aga- 
 thocles, Oleander, Epecides, and Adulanter. 
 
 Ar. We'll have the temples of the gods rejiair'd, 
 And their neglected altars smoke with sacrifices.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 85 
 
 Arch. A glorious piece of piety ! 
 
 Ar. The citizens, 
 
 Who for tlieir duty to Evander were 
 Banished hy the hite tyrant, straight call home ; 
 And to Hermocrates, with his 'complices 
 Who did assist Mazares, a free pardon. 
 
 Aga. A blest beginning ! 
 
 Ar. \\(i will have the burthen 
 
 The Kingdom now groans under by the soldiery 
 Be taken off. 
 
 Arch. The gods will dwell amongst us ! 
 
 Ar. My lords, I shall endeavour to reduce 
 This rude and discomposed soil into 
 A Tempo of delight, where sweet Harmonia 
 Shall be the only Queen. 
 
 Uar. It will become me 
 
 To be but then your servant. 
 
 Ar. Sweet, thou knowest 
 
 T am beneath thy courtship, and the interest 
 I have in thee is holy. 
 
 Arch. May you flourish 
 
 Together like the plants the sun gives life to ! 
 
 Cle. A\'ill your Highness 
 Think on Antanter ? 
 
 Ar. Oh, his modesty 
 
 AVorks much upon us. We could chide ourself 
 In that we have abused it by neglect 
 Of his so just and reasonable a suit. 
 As for the other, his competitor, 
 A black cloud of debauchness and lewd vices 
 Eclipses his valour, and gives us occasion 
 To look upon Antanter as more worthy 
 Of such a charge, whose virtue is our warrant. 
 Kings, in bestowing favours, should be nice, 
 And rather punish than encourage vice. 
 
 [Exeunt.
 
 86 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Enter Oleander and Adulanter. 
 
 Cle. Adulanter ! 
 
 Adul. My lord] - 
 
 Cle. Wilt tell me one thing, and be just 1 
 
 Adul. Eip up my heart, my lord, if I dissemble. 
 
 Cle. How stands thy affection to this King 1 
 
 Adul. As clear as — 
 
 Cle. Mine is not. Be free ; I love thee, 
 
 And thou hast found I do. 
 
 Adul. I have indeed ; 
 
 I owe my life unto you. You may take it, 
 For that's the thing you aim at. 
 
 Cle. Th' art deceived ; 
 'Twill benefit me nothing. Come, I know 
 Thou canst not love him. Thou hast lost a master 
 As far beyond him as pure substance is 
 Beyond corruptible ; and, though he did 
 Me some ill offices, his memory is 
 Still dear unto me. 
 
 Adul. Oh, my lord, my lord ! 
 
 Cle. By all the gods, I lie not ; and to be 
 More plain with thee, I could wish Archias 
 AVere ready for the earth. 
 
 Adul. If that your lordship 
 
 Be real, I would it were no worse. 
 
 Cle. If he were dead, my daughter I would 
 govern. 
 And thou shouldst govern me. 
 
 Adid. Oh, fie, my lord ! 
 
 Cle. I do protest we would divide the Kingdom 
 Betwixt us ; she, jioor thing ! would think it 
 
 happiness 
 Enough for her to eat, sit, and be quiet, 
 A\'hereas the managing of high affairs 
 Should pass through us — through us, Adulanter !
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 87 
 
 Adul. Hum, hum ! 
 
 Cle. Whose knee dares own a stiffness 1 Whose 
 obeisance 
 To Adiilanter dare be Avanting ? When 
 Thou frown'st, who dares Ijut trend )k' I 
 
 Adul. When such a thing shall come to pass, 
 quotha — 
 
 Cle. Dost make a question on't, when now it lies 
 Within thy power to compass ? 
 
 Adul. How in mine 1 
 
 Cle. Art thou not by my means raised near his 
 person — 
 One of the bed-chamber 1 How easy 'tis 
 To cut his throat, 
 
 Adul. The sight of my own blood 
 
 Has ever been a terror to me. 
 
 Cle. True, 
 
 That's natural, and yet no courage wanting 
 To draw a sea of blood from any other. 
 The colour is most precious for the sight, 
 And sweetly cordial to the man that tastes it. 
 
 Adul. Kay, I confess I'd rather see, of th' two, 
 Another's blood than mine. 
 
 Cle. 'Tis justly spoken. 
 
 Would'st thou be King alone ? 
 
 Adul. Hum ! I care not much. 
 
 Cle. Thou shalt be so. Be but thyself, and show 
 Thy courage in this enterprise, I'll marry 
 Thee to my daughter. 
 
 yldul. She's a pretty thing : 
 
 Bv Heaven, I shall be damned for her ! 
 
 'Cle. I'd rather 
 
 Thou shouldst possess her than the fool that has 
 
 her ; 
 And I, thy fellow-servant once, will then 
 Become thy humblest servant, truly faithful.
 
 88 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Adul. You puff me up, sir ! Tell me how I shall 
 Contain myself. 
 
 Cle. Not within any limit 
 
 Less than a Kingdom. 
 
 Adul. How shall I obtain it ? 
 
 Cle. Why, as you'd kiss your hand, to kill the 
 King. 
 It is but making the guard drunk, or so. 
 
 Adul. And I'm as good at that as any living. 
 My lord, I will be drunk to boot, for then 
 I have most courage. 
 
 Cle. Backed with night and silence, 
 
 You cannot want it. When you have done the 
 
 deed, 
 Strike towards the back stairs; there I will wait you 
 And shelter you a while, till the bright morn 
 ►Salutes your happiness. 
 
 Adul My lord, 'tis done ! 
 
 I am as mad as a March hare upon't ; 
 Methinks I have him here and there already. 
 You will hear more to-morrow. [Exit. 
 
 Cle. Silly ass ! 
 
 That only art employed to carry me 
 Unto my bliss, thyself unto destruction ! 
 He's held an animal has no deceit 
 In these times to make his own fortunes icreat. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Enter Archias, Harmonia, Archbishop, and 
 Attendants. 
 
 Arch. Heaven and good angels guard you both ! 
 
 [Exit Archbishop. 
 Ar. Good rest 
 To you, my lord ! 
 
 [Exeunt Archias and Harmonia. 
 1 Guard. Lights for the Lord Archbishop I
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 89 
 
 E7ittr Adi'lanter. 
 
 Adul. Did the King call for me ? 
 
 2 Guard. Not in our hearing. 
 
 Adal. Come, praised be Heaven, there is no danger 
 lurking ; what need we wait ] 'Tis better for the 
 state of our bodies to fall down into the wine- 
 cellar, and there bid defiance to the devil and all 's 
 works. 
 
 Guard. A match, a match ! [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Agathocles, Epecides, and Attendants. 
 
 Ejje. The Mask did keep the King up longer 
 than 
 Ilis usual time. 
 
 Aga. It was a liandsome thing, 
 
 And well performed. All happiness wait on you ! 
 
 Epe. Peace keep with your thoughts, my lord ! 
 
 Good niaht ! 
 Atten. Lights there ! [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Adulanter. 
 
 Adul. I have encountered with most of the wines 
 In the King's cellar to beget me courage. 
 Yet I'm as cold to't as a cucumber.* 
 I was not made for fighting ; one loud snort 
 Destroys me and my enterprise. 'Tis dark, 
 As is the act I go about ; were 't light, 
 I should not have tlie heart to kill a pig. 
 I must turn on my left hand, when 'tis done, 
 To the back stairs, where there is a trai)-door 
 Tiiat will receive me. I do not like 
 These backward doings. Pray Heaven I be not 
 Transported so with fear I do mistake 
 
 • In original, "cowcumer."
 
 90 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 My right hand for my left, and so be trapp'd. 
 
 [Pulls by the hangings. 
 I cannot say in sober sadness, "But with your 
 
 leave, sir." 
 He's fast, yet dreams not on't. Now that one 
 
 blow 
 May do 't ; I dare not stand the second. 
 
 [Kills Harmon I A, and runs to the trap-dom; 
 ivhere he falls and breaks his neck. 
 Ear. Oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 Ar. What disturbs thee, sweet 1 Speak to me. 
 Oh, her breasts are cold as snow-balls ! 
 She grows stiff ! Lights there ! Where's our 
 
 guard 1 
 Xo attendants 1 Not one man 1 
 
 Enter Agathocles a,nd Epecides in their night- 
 gowns, and lights. 
 
 Hear me, are you all— [Archias rises. 
 
 Aga. The King's disturbed ! 
 Epe. How fares your Highness 1 
 Ar. Bring your lights this way. Ah ! 
 
 The bed swims in a sea of blood ! Harmonia ! 
 
 Enter Oleander. 
 
 Epe. The Queen is murdered. 
 
 die. The King murdered ! How ] 
 
 Ar. Look here. Oleander ; here's a sight I My 
 senses 
 Wander I know not whither ! 
 
 Cle. How ! My daughter ! 
 
 Harmonia, the essence of my life ! 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Aga. Oan no man find the murderer 1 Where's 
 the guard ]
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 9l 
 
 Serv. Dead (Iriiiik in tli' wine cellar. 
 
 Cle. This is tlie niunlerer, then ; seek no fartlier ! 
 I will have justice ! Oh, my cursed fate ! 
 
 [Exit, tearing his hair. 
 
 Epe. How 's grief transports him ! 
 
 Aga. Can you blame him ? 
 He has lost a daughter this age cannot parallel. 
 
 Epe. The murderer not found yet 1 
 
 Enter uith tlie body of Adulanter. 
 
 1. This does appear like such a monster. 
 
 2. His hire is jiaid ; his neck is hroke. 
 
 Aga. 'Tis Adulanter ! AViiere found you him ? 
 
 1. The trap-door near the back stairs we found 
 open, which has not been these ten years before, 
 and we, suspecting, searched the place and found 
 him. 
 
 Ar. And is he found ] Let him be carbonadoed. 
 To breakfast his confederate the devil ; 
 Or pickle him in boiling lead, to get 
 The fiend a stomach ! Oh, you gods ! you devils ! 
 Heaven, hell, I will call all of you to question ! 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Aga. Let's follow him with circumspective care ; 
 This is the first step to the hill despair. 
 
 [E.rMint. 
 
 Enter Oleander, 
 
 Cle. Thou shalt no longer insult o'er my 
 faculties, 
 Unprofital>le grief! I'm not designed 
 To end my days with thee, but must unload 
 Myself of thy dull burden. Were the whole 
 Stock of woman lost in my Harmonia, 
 'T should not exact or draw a tear from me. 
 Shall I retreat now, that have charg'd so fairly
 
 92 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 At til' bosom of a King 1 No ! On, Oleander ! 
 Perfect thy work ; dis-seat him ; make thyself 
 Lord of his fortunes by thy glorious conquest ! 
 My resolution's fix'd as is the centre, 
 Which fate cannot remove. King, thou must 
 
 down ; 
 Two heads cannot be impal'd within one crown ! 
 
 Enter Agathocles cmd Epecides. 
 
 But to my former shape. These are Court spies ; 
 I must not trust 'em. — Good health to your lord- 
 ships ! 
 You now do show the sweetness of your natures : 
 In time of heaviness there's virtue in 
 A visit. 
 
 E2)e. Would ours might bring you comfort ! 
 
 Aga. The King is so infected with his sorrow, 
 Advice is lost to cure him. All his study 
 Is to preserve the memory of your daughter ; 
 Which, 'cause he will not lose, he makes her 
 
 shadow 
 His idol, to the which he offers up 
 His morn and night oblations. 
 
 Cle. How should I 
 
 Behave myself, then t My grief should as far 
 Exceed his as my loss transcended his. 
 
 Epe. Your loss was great. 
 
 Cle. Great, do you tell me 1 Great 1 
 
 Aga. I cannot think the ill was meant to her ; 
 Kather unto the King. 
 
 Epe. The guard. 
 
 Upon examination, said that Adulanter 
 Was drunk when he left them, but what — 
 
 Cle. Pray, tell me no more on't ; 'tis not pleasing. 
 I may be quiet in my own house, I hope] 
 
 Epe. We came not, sir,
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 93 
 
 With an intent to raise your anger, hut 
 To aUay your sorrow with our hest advice. 
 
 Cle. You may go lionie, then, and advise upon 't. 
 Tell me of comfort and advice ! 
 
 Aga. Nay, good my lord. 
 You may take pet and hang yourself if 't plea.se you ; 
 'Tis all one to us. 
 
 Cle. Teach me to tame a tiger, when his fierceness 
 Ranges for prey and forlnds opposition ! 
 P^mpty the ocean and till it again !• [^Raves. 
 
 To breathe life into clay ! Tell me of comfort 1 
 
 Ei)c. Come, let's leave him. Alas ! 'tis his 
 torment 
 To hear her named 1 AVe take our leaves, my 
 lord. [Exeunt. 
 
 Cle. Wliy, farewell, you.— So, they are gone ; 
 I had no better way than to rave them hence. 
 
 Enter a Scotch Apothecary. 
 
 Oh, are you come, sir] Why so long, first ? 
 
 Jjw. Guid faith, gif I had rid the deil, and 
 splut the weam o' the wund, I cud 'a mead na 
 mair heast. Kym away, sir ; what's your ^\■ull, an 
 please your honour 1 
 
 Cle. They say you have great skill 1 
 
 Apo. A^ery muckle, sir ; I ha' not been a poles- 
 screamer this twenty years for nauglit. 
 
 Cle. I do not love the King. 
 
 Ajw. Keight weel, sir, nor I, by my sau'. 
 Wliat wud you toll him, sir ] 
 
 Cle. I would be rid of him. 
 
 Apo. Wull your honour be a hearse or a mare 1 
 
 Cle. Away ! I'd be quit of him. 
 
 Apo. Ah, sir, your honour wud be quite o' him ? 
 By my sau', ye sail ; l)ut whilk way, nie lord, an 
 please your honour ?
 
 di THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Cte. I'd have him poisoned. 
 
 Apo. Peysoned ! By my sau', I can dew that 
 bravvly ; I learn'd it frae Bough-wha-nan,* sir. 
 
 Cle. And he was an excellent King-killer ! 
 He has a picture of my murdered daughter, 
 On which he pays his early and late kisses — 
 Not for the love he bears her memory, 
 But to deceive revenge. 
 
 Ajw. Aw, sir, she sail buss him deed, o' me sau' ! 
 Wull ye shaw me tull her, sir 1 
 
 [Pulls him hy the sleeve. 
 
 Cle. I'm glad to see the spirit of a Scot 
 So resolute ; it starts not at the murdering 
 Of the fool's idol, King. 
 
 Apo. Aw King, mon ! Deil a' me sau', bet I 
 an' me countramen ha' peysoned three better King- 
 doms as this ; an gif I sud noo for aw King, the deil 
 au me faw lugs. 
 
 Cle. Thou art a brave fellow, and 'tis pity such 
 Desert should suffer. Come along with me ! — 
 "When thou hast done I'll make an end of thee. 
 
 [Aside. Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Agathocles and Antanter. 
 
 Ant. I thought it then high time to overtake 
 His mounting pride, and level 't with the earth, 
 And not to let him grow more fruitful in 
 His sin and overtopping insolence, 
 
 Afja. It was a deed, Antanter, that deserves 
 To live in th' mouth of fame, that after ages 
 From thence may learn not to fear bugbear 
 greatness. 
 
 Ant. Thimistius' body I gave burial, and 
 Left th' other's to Missellus' disposal. 
 
 * Buchanan, pronounced in Scotland " Bughwhaiian, " — the 
 first syllable guttural.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 95 
 
 yl(ja. 'Twas no small. sport to him ; but it was strange 
 Planetius should deny assistance to him. 
 
 Ant. I do believe Missellus and he held 
 A correspondence, but for what end 
 I cannot reacL 
 
 Aga. He is not to be trusted. 
 
 If this distemper once would leave the King, 
 Thou wouldst not think 't a miracle to see 
 
 Enter Epecides. 
 
 Me in Planetius seat ? Now, Epecides, 
 How fiires the King 1 
 
 Epe. Oh, gentlemen, our hopes. 
 
 That promised a growing happiness 
 From liis indulgent beams, one minute has 
 Destroyed for ever ! 
 
 Aga. How do you mean, my lord ? 
 
 Epe. The King is poisoned. 
 
 Ant. How! Poisoned? Poisoned? 
 
 Aga. There is a secret devil lurks among us. 
 Who holds intelligence with hell, to blast 
 Our Kingdom's peace and comfort. See, they come ! 
 
 Enter Archias in a bed, Archbishop, Cleaxder, 
 Physicians, and Attendants. 
 
 Ar. The flames of ^-Etna are not fierce to mine ; 
 Each faculty conspires my torment. Oh, 
 I burn ! I burn ! 
 
 Phi/s. Great sir, be not an enemy 
 
 Unto your being ; take this as — 
 
 Ar. Away ! 
 
 You may as well give physic to the dead 
 As to his heart Avhose agony exceeds 
 The sense of ease. I am resolved to take 
 No more of your vain helps. Leave me, I pray. — 
 Oleander !
 
 96 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Cle. My most gracious sovereign, 
 I have a heart too weak to bear the burden 
 Of so much woe ; your sufferings bear me down 
 Beneath the hojie of comfort. 
 
 ^'i^t'- Spare thy grief. 
 
 Hannonia treads the Milky Way, and I 
 Must through this fire be purified to meet 
 Her and the joys she brings me. 
 
 Aga. Does none hear 
 
 By whom or how these miseries shouM come ? 
 
 Ar. Trouble not yourself, my lord ; I freely 
 pardon 
 And will reward the doer. So declare it. 
 For he has taken pains to send me to 
 The place I so much longed for. I do charge you, 
 If my last words may win obedience from you, 
 Straight to i^roclaim this. Fain I would salute 
 Him, e'er I die, that was so kind unto me ! 
 
 Arch. Unheard-of charity ! 
 
 Ar. My lord, from you 
 
 I have conceived in specie the joys 
 I must receive hereafter. Those sweet odours 
 Perfume my spiritual sense, and strengthen that, 
 Although my temporal decay and perish. 
 
 Enter Servant with the Scotch Apothecary, 
 
 Ser. Here is a Scotch apothecary that confesses — 
 
 Cle. Art thou the villain ? 
 
 [Cleander kills him. 
 
 Apo. Au, the mickle deil ! God, gin the King 
 wud gie me bet aen hauf ooer toll live, I cud speak 
 — aw, death, thou limmer loon ! Aw, aw ! [/>/f?.s. 
 
 Afja. My lord, 'twas rashly done 1 We might 
 have found 
 Where the ill vapour rests begets these mischiefs, 
 And who set him on Avork.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 97 
 
 Ch. The devil ! who else 1 
 
 And he has paid him 's wages. 
 
 At. Oleander ! 
 
 Arch. The King calls, sir. 
 
 Ar. I feel my vitals fail me. Oh, Cleander, 
 I shall see my Harmonia, thy ble.st daughter, 
 Ere forty minutes pass ! I must bequeath 
 
 thee 
 A legacy of care, this drooping Kingdom. 
 My lords, I hope the lo\e you e\'er bore me, 
 Though Heaven denies me time to merit it, 
 "Will now express itself in the approving 
 Him I present to you — a dying man. 
 Who has no ends upon you nor the Kingdom, 
 Further than your perpetual flourishing. 
 
 Cle. I beseech your Grace ! Alas ! — 
 
 Ar. You hear me, lords 1 
 
 Arch. We do, sir, and accept the choice you've 
 made 
 With more than Avillintrness. 
 
 Aga. You have not spoke for me. {Exit. 
 
 Epe. Nor me. Exit. 
 
 Ar. I am at rest. Farewell ! Dies. 
 
 Arch. He's dead. 
 
 Cle. And I, 
 His weeping monument, remain, till fate 
 Translates my better part t' a better state. 
 
 [Exennt. 
 
 Ant. These are fine turning times. I wonder 
 when 
 'Twill come to my turn to be King ! I have 
 A heart as fit and large, and dare as far 
 Adventure for 't, as anj-- ; but the fates 
 Of soldiers serve to promote others' ends. 
 Which done, they do forget we e'er were friends. 
 
 [Exit. 
 G
 
 98 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Enter Agathocles, Epecides, Hipparinus, and 
 
 ICETIS. 
 
 Hip. Your words sound like the oracle's, as full 
 Of truth, and plamer to the intellect. 
 
 u4ga. How sweet and freely Kome enjoy'd her- 
 self 
 Till she submitted to the power and pride 
 Of one man's rule ! Tell me, what good did 
 
 ever 
 Kings bring unto our country that we might not 
 Have purchased without 'em 1 Ills they have 
 Almost incredible, — our coffers emptied 
 To fill their treasury and maintain their riot. 
 
 Ej^e. And wedded to perj^etual slavery ; 
 For when one tyrant falls, another rises 
 From his corrupted loins that proves far worse, 
 Perhaps, than did the former. So that we 
 Must never hope for better, but l^e armed 
 With patience to endure the worst. 
 
 Aga. Suppose 
 
 We would allow of kingly power, where is 
 The man descended from that race 1 Oleander 1 
 He was but one of us the other day ; 
 And sure we are not of so tame a brood 
 But to think we deserve 't as well as he. 
 Why should not you, Icetis, or Hipparinus, 
 Eule, or thou, Epecides, or myself 1 
 We're of as good a mould, and have as much 
 T' elate us as his Avorship. 
 
 Epe. Very right ; 
 
 And have as great an interest in the people 
 And commonwealth. This of necessity 
 Must breed confusion 'mongst us ; this example 
 Kindles in every man desire of rule. 
 Which to achieve, how perilous soe'er
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 99 
 
 Th' attempt may proAc, they'll leave no means 
 
 unsought, 
 Till their irregular sense, spurning at order, 
 Turns all into a chaos. 
 
 Aga. WTio can tell 
 
 But this intruder was th' efficient cause 
 Of his own daughter's ruin and the King's? 
 
 Epe. It was a notable piece of policy 
 To kill tlio apothecary, and prevent confession. 
 
 Ice. What's your advice ? 
 
 Aga. To join with us. 
 
 And take th' people's yoke off from the tyranny 
 Of Kings hereafter. 
 
 Epe. And to have our country 
 
 Governed by three or ten, as did the Eomans. 
 
 Aga. "Who shall continue but a year in power ; 
 And then successive patriots be cliosen, 
 Who shall have power to punish in their time 
 The crimes their predecessors did commit 
 During their time of rule. 
 
 Epe. So shall the peojile 
 
 Not be to seek for justice, but find ease 
 Unto their grievances, and the ■sale minds 
 Of avaricious and ambitious men 
 Be either imnisliod or else rebated. 
 
 Ice. It cannot but content the people highly, 
 'Tis copied from so fair a ])recedent. 
 
 Hip. And with you and for you and them, we'll 
 spend 
 Our lives and fortunes. 
 
 Aga. We will do the like 
 
 With you and for you, and, thus linked together, 
 
 {Embrace. 
 ^^'e dare contemn Oleander's power ! 
 
 Epe. And blow 
 
 His glorious hopes into the air !
 
 100 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 u4ga. Be sudden, 
 
 And we may take the serpent in his cell ; 
 But our delays may give the monstei* time 
 Of coming forth, and strength to overcome us. 
 
 Hij). We will possess the people with the glory 
 Of their long hidden liberties, with promise 
 Of restoration if it lies within 
 The power of friends, money, or life to compass. 
 
 Aga. He that's besotted to his fear or ease 
 Will make his patience prove his worst disease ! 
 
 [Exeu/U. 
 
 Enter Planetius and a Captain. 
 
 I'I((. Return my obedience to the King Evander, 
 And this unto Missellus. Tell him I, 
 
 [(Jives him a paper. 
 With all the force that Mona can afford me, 
 Will wait upon his Highness and himself 
 At Erix. 
 
 Cap. I shall, my lord ! [Exit Captain. 
 
 Pla. How am I 
 
 Bound to the gods for their superlative goodness, 
 That here an off'ering of mercy meets me 
 By their dictation ! I, whose treachery 
 Unto my King merits severest justice, 
 Am punished with a revengeless pardon, 
 Which is indeed my torment — that I should 
 Ever have been so wicked 'gainst a Prince 
 Deserves so much good from me ! But my soul 
 Henceforth shall cleave fast to this principle, — 
 " The longer growth diseases do endure. 
 The more the grief, more famous is the cure." 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Enter Hipparinus, Icetis, and ike People, casting 
 up their caps, crying, " Liberty ! Liberty ! " 
 
 [Exeunt.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 101 
 
 Act v. — Scene i. 
 
 Enier Agathocles, Epecides, Hipparinus, 
 
 ICETis, Antanter, and the People 
 
 hauling Cleander. 
 
 (Jle. Traitors, hands off ! 'Tis sacrilege to use 
 Tlie person of your King with such irreverence ! 
 
 Omnes. Our King ! Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Peojjle. We'll make you sing another song. 
 
 Cle. Have I deserved so ill that none will give 
 A death more honourable to me 1 
 
 Aga. Thou hast liv'd 
 
 Base, and must basely dia 
 
 Cle. Forgive me, Heaven 1 
 
 And you, bright stars, Avhose lustre I eclipse 
 Here to shine brighter there, plead not against me, 
 But be as merciful as you are innocent ! 
 
 Aga. Wert thou the death of Archias and thy 
 daughter] 
 
 Cle. Ambition was, to Avhich I gave consent. 
 
 Aga. And now you see the pinnacle from which 
 You must be tumbled down. Away with him ! 
 
 Cle. Yet hear me ! 
 
 People. Confession's tied to destiny. You shall 
 with us ! [People drag him in. 
 
 Aga. You see the desperate effects that wait 
 On this thing called Monaichy, because 
 It carries a continuance, and all 
 Men naturally have an ambition to 
 Make great their line and families l)y succession ; 
 When ours doth blunt the edge of sutli resolves, 
 And no man, were it not for th' common good, 
 Would entertain the office, being rather
 
 102 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 A place of care than profit, in the which 
 Men must so square their actions, they may be 
 Able to stand the people's questioning 
 AVhenas their time of government's expired. 
 
 Ejoe. It is not so with Monarchy. Kings 
 may 
 Commit what outrages they please upon 
 The people, and none dare so much as think 
 They have done ill. 
 
 Enter a Fellow. 
 
 Fell. If you please to Avalk that way, 
 You may see Oleander swinging for his life. 
 Hip. Oh, by all means, let's go ! 
 Ant. It may be he may confess something 
 more. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Evander, Missellus, and Soldiers. 
 
 Evn. My people's troubles do afflict me more 
 Than all the wrongs and injuries they've done 
 me! 
 Mis. The gods had lost their attribute of just, 
 Had they not punished them with these convul- 
 sions, 
 Whose fits direct their sense unto the ruin 
 They've brought upon themselves, now at their 
 doors. 
 Eva. Good Heaven, divert it ! I shall be more 
 chary 
 In spilling of their blood than of my own ; 
 And I shall think it greater honour to me, 
 In purchasing my own, to have my temples 
 Surrounded with a peaceful garland, than 
 Obtain it by the victory and slaughter 
 Of my poor subjects! 
 Mis. 'Tis your mercy, sir,
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 1<I3 
 
 Enter Planetius and Soldiers. Plaxetius 
 kneels. 
 
 With Avhich you overflow. Here is Planetius I 
 
 ria. I otter, at your Highness' feet, a hfe 
 That has long since been forfeited. 
 
 Eva. The which 
 
 I give thee back. Live to deserve my fav(nir ! 
 
 Fla. I would I could recover so much time 
 As I have lost, to add unto the days 
 I'm yet to spend to serve you ! This your mercy 
 Does come so near the temper of the gods, 
 Fame cannot but record it ! 
 
 Eva. Have our sulijects 
 
 The knowledge that avb live ? 
 
 ria. I did disperse it 
 
 Through all the parts of Mona. 
 
 Eva. And how took they it ? 
 
 Pla. Miraculously ; l)ut so I might discover 
 Their joy was inexi)ressible. 
 
 Eva. "We'll have 
 
 Our pardon, as we march, proclaimed to all 
 AVill come in to us. Clemency, not force, 
 Befits a King ; rigour makes people worse. 
 
 Sol. Heaven bless the King ! March, gentle- 
 men ! \Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Antanter, and Soldiers ^ws.s over the stage ; 
 tJien enter Agathocles. 
 
 Aga. 'Tis brave to be a King ! His spirit's low 
 And base as earth tliat knows not how to use 
 The power the Fates have put into his hands, 
 And will accept of less ! Damn annual ruK' I 
 Shall I, who dare do more than kill a thousand. 
 Be suliject to the questioning of ten 1 
 The people have put me in power, and I
 
 104 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Will make my best advantage on't ; it is 
 But justice to break faith with faithless men. 
 Give me the nod that strikes a trembling in 
 The stiff-necked people, and does make 'em keep 
 A distance and a duty. There's no glory 
 Like being singular. Hence, idle honesty ! 
 That sleep'st thy time away, and art adored 
 By none but empty skulls and tattered jerkins ! 
 There's no such thing as virtue in thy rags. 
 That we prize to be virtuous and good 
 IMerits its estimation. Welcome greatness ! 
 Virtue resides with thee. My hopes by this 
 
 [A shout within. 
 Are by Antanter perfected. He's here ! 
 
 Enter Antanter cmd Soldiers. 
 
 Now, my best genius, tell me how much 
 I stand indebted to thee. Is it done 1 
 
 Ant. Done to a hair, sir. We surprised 'em 
 suddenly, 
 Trussed up the magistrates, to whom y'ad pro- 
 mised 
 Such glorious freedom, who did curse and swear 
 At death and destiny. The forts and castles 
 Are all our own, and now we safely may 
 Cry with one voice, " Long live Agathocles ! " 
 
 [Soldiers nv/, " Long live Agathocles ! " 
 Aga. How shall I make requital for this 
 project, 
 Which thou hast more than formed, performed so 
 
 bravely ] 
 1 will create thee Archduke of Palermo, 
 And when I die will leave the kingdom to thee. 
 Ant. But give me leave, I pray, sir ; in whose 
 power 
 Lies it to make me Duke 1
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 105 
 
 Aga. In mine ; whose else 1 
 
 Am I not thy King 1 
 
 Ant. Pray, who made you so 1 
 
 Aga. The gods ! 
 
 Ant. Pray, which of tliem ] Have I been idle ? 
 
 Aga. No, dear Antanter, no ! It was thy hand. 
 Directed by the gods, that made me King. 
 
 Ant. Then 'twas my hand, directed by the gods. 
 That made vou King ] 
 
 Aga. Right, right, Antanter ! 
 
 Ant. And now my hand, directed ))y the gods, 
 Will you unking I — Take him into your charge ! 
 
 Aga. How ] 
 
 Ant. Very right, sir ! Charity begins 
 
 At home, and I'm not such an ass to stand 
 To your reward when I can pay myself ! 
 
 Aga. What dost thou mean 1 
 
 Ant. To be what you would be — 
 
 That is, a King. 
 
 Aga. ' A King ! Of what ? 
 
 Ant. Of better men than thou art 1 'Tis a 
 wrong 
 l^nto our honour to hold parley with thee. — 
 Ort' with his head I — It is a death more noble 
 Than you bestowed upon Oleander, sir, 
 Or ordered for Icetis or the magistrates ! 
 
 ^Iga. But do you hear, sir King ? 
 
 Ant. Obey our will. — 
 
 And, sir, say ye're well dealt with. 
 
 Aga. Hell take you 
 
 And your dealing too ! Heaven is thus just 
 With such as fall from virtue to their lust ! 
 
 [E.reunt uith Agathocles. 
 
 Ant. So he is gone — fallen in tlie trap he 
 laid 
 For til' magistrates, whom I have but secured
 
 106 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Till they allow my power or die by it. 
 The title King's indifferent to me : 
 Give me tli' essential part, and let the shadow 
 Vanish and be forgot ! What had this lord 
 More in him of a man to draw obedience 
 Than I, except his title ? And that had not 
 Virtue enough to save him from my wrath. 
 It is not birth or blood, but thou, dear instrument, 
 
 [To his sicarrL 
 That can defend, offend, raise, or dis-seat 
 High potentates, and make a beggar great. 
 Be thou ausj^icious, armed Mars, to me. 
 And I'll adore no other gods but thee ! 
 
 Entej- a CAPTAIN. 
 
 Cap. The General, hearing of these distractions, 
 Has drawn his army this way, and puts in 
 For title to the Kingdom. 
 
 Ant. Though he was 
 
 My General once, I'll scourge him into duty, 
 And make him know his distance. We will meet 
 
 him. 
 Leave what force you can possibly allow 
 Here, to secure the people and the garrisons 
 Now in our custody, lest they revolt 
 Or become mutineers. Hermocrates 
 Shall find as tough a business on't as e'er 
 The wars afforded him. Give double pay 
 To such as will come in to us and leave 
 His party. Since that I am in, I'll through, 
 Though th' Kingdom's treasury bleed for 't, and 
 
 lean famine 
 Feed on the people till there scarce are left 
 The image of a man alive. 'Twere base 
 Now to retreat I Fear gives a coward place ! 
 
 [Exeujit.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 107 
 
 Enter Hermocrates, Captain, and Soldiers. 
 
 Her. Is't possible Antanter dares do this ? 
 
 dtp. Agathocles is beheaded ; Hip|tarinus, 
 AVith th' rest of th' magistrates of Palermo, 
 
 and 
 The Governor Icetis, are secured ; 
 The forts and castles all are in his power ; 
 And li'as surprised the treasury. 
 
 Her. A brave fellow ! 
 
 How long thinks he to keep this ? I do wonder 
 Missellus or Planetius stir not 'bout it. 
 But they, indeed, are such known enemies 
 To one another, neither of them dare 
 Peep forth, lest th' other l)e upon his back. 
 
 Cap. I know your Excellency will be the man 
 Must make the soldier flourish and be happy I 
 
 Iler. I and Antanter are the only men, 
 I see, must go to cudgels for 't. 
 
 Cap. Alas ! 
 
 Our force will scatter his as northern winds 
 Disperse the leaves in autumn ! 
 
 Her. But he has 
 
 The advantage by the treasury, and money 
 Will purchase men and friendship. 
 
 Cap. Victory 
 
 Will draw them all to us. I hope there is not 
 A man amongst us so in love with 's life. 
 But he Avill sacrifice it for your Excellency. — 
 What say you, gentlemen ? 
 
 SoJ. Our lives are his ! 
 
 Her. I thank you, fellow-soldiers ! Armed with 
 you, 
 I dare oppose the destinies ! He down, 
 The guerdon of our conciuest is a crown I 
 
 [ExexinL
 
 108 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 Enter Evander, Missellus, Planetius, and 
 Soldiers. 
 
 Eva. How poor and bare 's this province made ! 
 We scarce 
 Can get provision for our men and horse. 
 
 Phi. But we are near the city of Monreall, 
 And that was wont t' abound with all provision. 
 
 Eva. Have you informed tli' Archbishop and the 
 magistrates 
 That we are drawing towards them 1 
 
 Mis. We have, 
 
 By your express, and wonder that we hear 
 No sooner from them. 
 
 Enter Archbishop, Epecides, and Magistrates. 
 
 Arch. Disobedient guilt 
 
 Tlirows me thus low for mercy ! 
 
 Eva. Here ; rise up ! 
 
 [Lends his h/iml. 
 
 Arch. Distracted shame so overcomes me, sir, 
 I cannot look your Highness in the face. 
 
 Eva. Keturn unto your virtue, and we shall 
 Be happy in your friendship. Epecides, 
 How dost thou relish us ? 
 
 Epe. As I would, sir, 
 
 The author of my being, peace, and happiness. 
 My soul has wandered all this while, and now. 
 With you, it is returned to its first station. 
 
 Eva. But what hath brought thee to Monreall 1 
 Tell me ! 
 
 Epe. After Oleander's death, my friend Aga- 
 thocles. 
 Whose breast I thought had been so manned with 
 
 virtue 
 Ambition could not batter it, complied
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 1 09 
 
 With til' soldiery, of which Antanter was 
 The chief, to put the ma^'istrates to death. 
 No .sooner that Antanter had secured 
 The forts and castles, and made all his own, 
 But he begins to fall off from his bargain 
 With the new King, and to himself does give 
 A law to take his head off. And, indeed. 
 No man could promise to himself a safety 
 Unless he did submit unto his power ; 
 To which I knew I could not bend my heart, 
 And therefore for self-preservation made 
 Bold with my Lord Archbishop. 
 
 Eva. What is that 
 
 Antanter, whose audaciousness is so 
 Destructive to our peace 1 
 
 Pla. He was an officer 
 
 Under Hermocrates, Mazares' general. 
 
 Arch. And now they both are tugging to undo 
 The Kingdom, and from either's ruin to 
 liaise to the victor glory. 
 
 Eva. Ah, poor Sicily ! 
 
 How hast thou been beaten and banded to 
 Promote the ends of turbulent-spirited men ! 
 My lords, while they are striving for the mastery. 
 What if we fell upon them ] 
 
 Mis. Very requisite ! 
 
 Eva. Let us be private in't, and do it suddenly. 
 But first we'll have a baiting at your house. 
 
 Arch. Your Highness will enrich me with tlie 
 fiivour. [Exeunt. 
 
 Druma, trumpets, etc. 
 
 [Enter the party of Hermocrates, driving X^Tks- 
 TEii's party before them ; then Axtanter enters 
 and resales his party, heats the others off; Her- 
 mocrates enters ivith fresh supplies, and beats
 
 110 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 them in ; then enter at one dow Hermocrates, 
 at the other Antanter. 
 
 Her. Have I singled thee ? 
 Ant. Sir, know y'are saucy ! 
 
 We use to keep at distance with such fellows ! 
 Hei: 'Tis likely : to come near us may prove 
 
 danirerous ! 
 Ant. Fellow, tli'ast greater honour done thee 
 now 
 Than e'er the wars bestowed on thee : thou 
 
 grapplest 
 With no less than a King ! 
 
 Her. Of kitchen stuff ! 
 
 Ant. I'll make thee do thy duty ! [Fights. 
 
 Her. That's to beat you. [TFounds him. 
 
 What will you take, sir, for your Kingdom now 1 
 Ant. Your head and quarters, sir, to fix on th' 
 
 gates ! 
 Her. And this next touch to boot 1 
 
 [IFoimds him again. 
 Ant. 'S death ! I think 
 
 I've fooled away my courage ! 
 How do you now, sir 1 [Hermocrates ivounded. 
 Her. As well as e'er I did, sir ! Have I reached 
 you ? [Antanter womided. 
 
 Ant. Your arm 's too short, and your aim worse ! 
 By Heaven ! 
 
 Hadst thou indented with the Fates to live 
 But for a minute longer, thus I'd cancel it ! 
 
 \_lVoimds him. 
 Her. And thus I meet thy resolution ! 
 
 [Fall both on one another ; being down, they 
 strive with one another. A great shmit 
 within.
 
 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 1 1 1 
 
 Enter Evander, Missellus, ARninisirop, 
 Planetius, Ei'ECiDES, and .Soldiers. 
 
 Eva. Give order for the magistrates' enlarge- 
 ment ! 
 
 Her. Ah, how my fote afflicts me Avith fresh 
 torments ! 
 Evander living ] 
 
 Ant. AVhose injuries lie heavy 
 
 Upon our souls. Most gracious sir, howe'er 
 ( )ur lives have been disturbance to your Ivingdom, 
 In death, with you and it we sue for peace. 
 Forgiveness, royal sir ! 
 
 Eva. ^Ve come not to 
 
 Possess our own with thoughts to be revenged ; 
 Or if we did, you have escaped it. Heaven 
 Forgive you as we do ! 
 
 Her. May never foreign 
 
 Or home-bred jars wither your peaceful laurel ! 
 
 Ant. And thus our enmity does end. Thy 
 hand ! [Kisses it. 
 
 Her. Thy cheek ! Farewell ! [IHes. 
 
 Ant. Pli'uty and peace perpetually dwell among 
 you ! [Dies.. 
 
 Pla. Two as brave spirits 
 As e'er Sicily bred ! 
 
 Enter Icetis, Hipparinus, Magistrates, 
 
 Epe. The magistrates are here, sir ! 
 Ice. Hip. At your feet, royal sir, we fall I 
 Eva. Rise in our favour. 
 Ice. Your mercy has no precedent ! 
 Eva. Heaven make you stronger in your faith 
 and duties 
 Hereafter to us ! AVhat is past we i>ardon. 
 Hip. All th' louring aspects of malignant stars,
 
 112 THE DISTRACTED STATE. 
 
 That lately threatened ruin to this Kingdom, 
 Are at your glorious presence sunk beneath 
 Their primitive conceptions. 
 
 Eva. Take up those bodies ! — 
 
 My lords, with your assistance, we must do 
 A cure upon the Kingdom, in the seating 
 Its dislocated joints. We shall not take 
 Notice hereafter who amongst you have 
 Had hands in her impairing, but receive you 
 With no less favour than the rest, not doubting 
 But that the smart you have felt by these changes 
 Will draw you home to constancy. — And the wool 
 That has so violently been taken from 
 Your sheep, for want of an indulgent shepherd, 
 
 [To the Archbishop. 
 Make you prize one the better. 
 
 Arch. Epe. Hip. Ice. May Heaven transform our 
 shapes when our hearts change ! 
 
 Eva. Then are we strong enough to combat fate, 
 And cure the wounds thus made upon the State ! 
 
 [Exeunt.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 H
 
 The Scots Figgaries: or, A Knot of Knaves. A Comedy. 
 London, printed by W. H., for John Tey, at tlie White 
 Lion in the Strand, near the New ExcJiange. 1652. 4to. 
 
 The Scotch Figgaries : or, A Knot of Knaves. A Comedy. 
 London, printed 1652. Re^yrinted and sold hy W. Mears, 
 at the Lamb, and T. Boreman, at the Cock, on Ludgate 
 Hill. 1735. 12mo.
 
 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 
 
 The editors of tlie Bloyraphla Dramatica remark: "Great 
 part of this play is written in the Scotch dialect ; and the 
 author, who was a strong Cavalier, and liad the highest 
 detestation for the Scots, has drawn the charactei-s of them 
 and of the Puritans in this piece in very contemptuous as 
 well as hateful colours." 
 
 The "Scotch dialect" introduced in this piece is similar 
 to that put into the mouth of the Scotch mountebank in the 
 preceding play. The Distracted State, by the same author, 
 and to that subsequently used by Lacy in his comedy, 
 Sawney the Scot. Its affinity to Scotch is most remote, as 
 no such dialect or idiom ever obtained in any district in 
 Scotland ; and any one thoroughly versant with the Scotch 
 language, ancient or modern, would have great difficulty in 
 translating it. 
 
 The same sort of gibberish is set down as that spoken at 
 Newcastle during the time of Cromwell, in a song called 
 "The Scotch War," which appears in the first volume of 
 A Collection of Loyal Songs icritten against the Rump 
 Parliament, between the years 1639 and 1661, 2 vols. 12mo, 
 Lond, 1731 :— 
 
 " Our sweets and silks made such a smother, 
 Next day we knew not one another; 
 For Jockey did never so shine, 
 And Jenny was never bo fine. 
 ' A geud faith a gat a ged beaver then, 
 But it's beat into a blew-cap agen 
 By a redcoat, that still did cry, Kag, 
 And a red snowt, — a the deel aw the crag! '" 
 
 As there is no record of The Scotch Figgaries having
 
 116 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 
 
 been acted in the reign of George ii., it becomes a matter of 
 surprise why the piece should have been reprinted in 1735. 
 This reprint has a curious frontispiece, in which the two 
 Scotch beggars figure prominently. They are both clad in 
 short tartan jackets, and tartan breeches, with hose gartered 
 at the knee. Over the right shoulder is a belt buckled 
 in front sustaining a claymore, while round the waist is 
 another belt with three pistols in centre, distributed like 
 the Prince of Wales' feathers. They have small bonnets in 
 their right hand, while in the left of each a paper is pre- 
 sented, which they are in the act of offering to Wornout, the 
 courtier. The scene is a chamber, and it is evidently in- 
 tended to represent the first scene in Act first, which, we 
 gather from the action and dialogue, is made during the pro- 
 gress of the piece to do service both as an exterior and an 
 interior. The papers which the beggars exhibit are no 
 doubt the "certifice" of Jockey's alleged maltreatment by 
 the Sheriff of Cumberland, bearing the forged signatures of 
 the several justices, made by an idle "turnie's lod" whom 
 he met in the north. 
 
 Eobert Dormer, to whom the first edition of this piece is 
 dedicated, was the third son of Robert, the first Lord Dormer, 
 who had been made a Baronet by James vi. on the 10th 
 June 1615, and elevated to the Barony of Dormer of Wenge 
 on the 30th of the same month. His mother was Elizabeth, 
 daughter of Anthony, Viscount Montague. From him the 
 present Lord Dormer is directly descended by the male line. 
 His eldest brother, William, died during their father's life- 
 time, leaving one son, Eobert, who became, upon his grand- 
 father's death, second Lord Dormer. He was a valiant 
 Royalist, took up arms in defence of Charles I., and subscribed 
 the King's declaration in 1642, for which he was prosecuted 
 by the Parliament. He had been elevated to the Viscounty 
 of Ascot and Earldom of Carnarvon by Charles, and was 
 slain at the first battle of Newbury, on 20th Sept. 1643, 
 after he had charged and routed a body of the rebel force.
 
 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 1 1 7 
 
 Having returned carelessly back tlirough the scattered 
 troopers, one of them ran him through the body with his 
 sword, of which wound he died in the course of an hour. 
 Clarendon gives a character of him in wliich he appears to 
 great advantage : " If he had lived, he would have jjroved a 
 great ornament to his profession. He was an excellent 
 soldier, and, by his death, the King found a sensible weak- 
 ness in his army. " He married a daughter of that unprin- 
 cipled nobleman, Fhilip, Earl of Pembroke and Montgomery, 
 and had one son, Charles, who succeeded him in his Barony 
 ani Earldom, but died without issue male at Wenge, on 
 No 7. 29, 1709, whereby the Earldom became extinct ; but 
 the Baron J' of Dormer devolved on the male issue of Anthony, 
 second son of the first Lord Dormer, in the person of Row- 
 land, his grandson. This, however, he, the fourth Lord 
 Dormer, enjoyed only a short time, having died upon the 
 27th Sept. 1712, aged 61. The Barony then came to Charles 
 Dormer, the fifth Lord, the grandson of Robert Dormer, 
 Tatham's patron in this play, who was proprietor of the 
 estate of Peterly, in the county of Buckingham, and who 
 married Mary, daughter of Edward Bannister of Ilsworth in 
 the county of Southampton, by whom he had eiglit sons and 
 six daughters. It is very probable that Tatham had served 
 under the Earl of Carnarvon in the civil wars, and had, from 
 his personal intercourse during the conflicts with the Scots, 
 formed a very poor estimate of that nation.
 
 TO 
 THE CHOICE HAND 
 
 OF 
 
 APPROVED GALLANTRY, 
 ROBERT DORMER, Esq. 
 
 Sir, 
 
 This vessel, with her small freight, not 
 despairing of other harbour, moves to put in to 
 the haven of your favour. The greatest tempest 
 she rides under is the o"vvner's fears, Avhich one 
 benign beam from you calms and disperses. 
 Acceptance digiaifies the adventure, and crowns 
 his endeavours, who, yet a stranger, is ambitious 
 to be endenized (with pardon and permission) 
 your servant, 
 
 Jo. Tathajm.
 
 THE PERSONS. 
 
 Smallfaitii, 
 
 DOMUCH, . 
 
 surehold, 
 Folly, 
 
 JOCKY, 
 
 Billy, 
 
 scarefool, 
 
 Kesolution, 
 
 WORNOUT, 
 
 Downfall, 
 Soongull'd, 
 Laymedown, 
 Mrs. Smallfait 
 Anything, . 
 A Seminary. 
 Trapheir, . 
 
 PlNCKCARCASE, 
 
 townshift, . 
 Drawforth, 
 
 WiTWUD, 
 
 Wan TWIT, . 
 
 A declining Magi^tntte. 
 
 '- Magistrates continued. 
 
 The Court Fool. 
 
 Two Scots Beggars. 
 
 A Scots Soldier. 
 An English Soldier. 
 A Courtier. 
 A Lawyer. 
 A Citizen. 
 His Wife. 
 
 A Parson. 
 
 1 
 
 Blades of the Times. 
 
 Two Buhhles. 
 
 A Crew of Country People. 
 Vintner, Drawer, Soldiers, Servitors. 
 A PuBLiQUE Notary.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Act I. 
 
 Enter Jocky, with his Wallet. 
 
 Jochj. A Sirs ! thes eyr has a mickle geod savour. 
 I ha creept thus firr intolth' kingdom, like an 
 erivigg intoll a mon's hig, and sail as herdly be 
 gat oout. Ise sa sefF here as a sperrow under a 
 penthoowse. Let the Sheriff o Cumberlond gee 
 hang himsell in's own gartropts, Ise ferr enough 
 off him, an's fellow officer th' hangman noow. I, a 
 Scot tlu'ff, may pass for a trow mon here ; aw the 
 empty weomb and thin hide I full oft bore in 
 Scotlond, an the geod fare I get here ! Be me saw 
 Ise twa yards gron about sin I cam fro Scotlond, 
 the deele split me gif I cam at thee mere Scotlond. 
 Ise eene noow ny the bonny court, wur meny a 
 Scot lad is gron fro a maggot ta a l^ran goose. 
 Marry ! Ise in geod pleight. Weel, Scotlond, weel, 
 towgaffst me a mouth, Anglond mon find me met; 
 'tis a geod soil geod feith, an gif aw my contremon 
 wod plant here, th'od thrive better thou in thair non. 
 
 Enter Billy. 
 
 In the foul deel's name wha's yon ? a sud be me 
 contremon by's scratin an scrubbin. A leokes 
 like Scotlond itsell, bar an naked. A carries
 
 122 THE SCOTCH FIGG ARIES. 
 
 noought bet tha walth o Can aboot him, filth an 
 virmin. 
 
 Billy. Aw Scotlond, Scotlond, wa worth the tim 
 I cam oout o thee ! Ise like tha wandering Jew, ha 
 worn my hoofes sa thin as pauper, and can get ne 
 shod for um. Anglond has geod sooft grond, bet 
 tha peple ha mickle hard hearts. Aw Billy, Billy, 
 th'adst better ha tane tha stripe for stelling in 
 Scotlond (bet thot 'tis sin ta rob the spettle) an ha 
 thriv'd by't, than ta come ta be hangd here, or 
 stervd. Tis keen justace a mon sud dee sick a deeth 
 for macking use o' his hands. I ha ne oder mamber 
 woorth ought. 
 
 Joe. On's mon what gar thee in these pickle ? 
 how cam'st hither ] 
 
 Bit. E'en on me ten toes, sir, and thay err 
 worn oout now, thay'l ser me ne longer, 
 
 Joe. "\Vha tha deel sail mend 'um 1 Sham faw 
 thee, a Scot an cannot shift ! 
 
 Bil. Alack, sir ! amon mo not stell here for's 
 neck ; and Ise mickle sham ta beg. 
 
 Joe. How mon, not bag ! 0ns th'art nen a me 
 contremon than. 
 
 Bil. Ey marry, that am I; geod feith Ise a Scot, 
 an boorn at Andrakeddin. 
 
 Joe. I thoought sa be thy iddle leife ; what gar 
 thee cam hither ] 
 
 Bil. Alack, mon ! I sud a bein whopt aboot 
 tha toown o Barwick for theiffing in Scotlond, bet 
 brock gale and scapt it. 
 
 Joe. Hadst tow tha conscienc ta stell fro thy 
 own centre, an hast noot tha fece ta bag in an 
 oder f Fy, mon, fy ! 0ns hoow thinkst leive I 
 Leok her, mon, leok her, sa tha vertu o bagging. 
 [Opens his loallet and shows him meat.] A, sir ! 
 d'yee drop, d'yee drop at mooth, sir 1
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGG ARIES, 123 
 
 Bil. Ey, sir ; sike a seight may mack a mon 
 sown. 
 
 Joe. Sow up your chops in tha cleel's nam ; gif 
 you cannot bag, ye sail not eat, sir. 
 
 BU. Geod feith an I ha noot eat un morsell thes 
 twa daies ; cam awey, mon, cam aAvey, 
 
 Joe. Nee, nee, sir ; stey your fercnes, keep your 
 fangs off, sir ; yee ma ha the mang. 
 
 Bil. Ne, geod feith, Ise a clere skind lad. 
 
 Joe. Bet monstrous lozy. 
 
 Bil. Dooubt not that, sir ; thay'l pin ta death, 
 sir, for I ha noought to fed 'um bet sken, an that's 
 twa toough for thair teth, — cam awey, mon ; sum 
 cherete, good contremon. 
 
 Joe. Weel, set dooAvn ; leok thee here, mon. 
 [TIu'ii sit down to eat.^^ Thes gis tha leg o a Anglish 
 prest. 
 
 Bil. Sey yee sa, mon ! 
 
 Joe. Reight weel thay bein mad up o' cappon 
 and whit broth ; thay mack their carcase fat, bet their 
 soils len. D'yee thenk Sent Andra wad a fested 
 sa mickle gif a cud a gat sike met as thes ? Ne, 
 ne, by me saw Ise hang than ; he was sterv'd, 
 thay fare deliciously ; he wos loowzy, and hod no 
 sheft, they bien buried aleife in fin lenin an \o\x\\ 
 fleesses ; he stunk abo grond, they bien swetten'd 
 leiving an deed, abo an under gron. A me saw, 
 Sent Andra had ner don sa meny marvailes gif a 
 had stuft his carcase so full as thay. 
 
 Bil. Geod feith, I main pass for a sent ten, for 
 me carcase is bar an thin enough. 
 
 Joe. Ey for sent theff, ft^r he ner did mirackle. 
 Thes torky leg cam fro a merchant's table, thes 
 widgin's Aving fro a citizen's, and thes goose's leg 
 fro a lawyer's. 
 
 Bil. Bred, thay mack mere preambl 'boot thair
 
 124 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 boody then aw tlia peple in Cristendum de aboot 
 thair saws. How hadst tow tha fece ta speek at 
 sa meny dores, mon 1 
 
 Joe. A, sir ! I sail tach yee ta bag bravely ; 
 mind ye me noow, sir. I stoll twa coows fro me 
 contremon, and gar tham agat ta Comberlond ta 
 seele, bet tha plaggy shrief gar tham tack fro me, 
 an sent me toll tha gale, bet I gat loose, an sa cam 
 froward; an in tha Noorth I met a iddle turnie's lod, 
 wha mad me thes certifice, an sat aw those Jestece 
 nams tol't, that tha shreif o Comberlond had den 
 me mickle wrong, an sa Ise cam up toll th' King 
 for jestece. 
 
 £il. Geod feith, wad I had sike an oder ! 
 
 Joe. Cam awey, mon, best thee, fill thy weomb, 
 and get thee on yon sid, mon ; an Ise kep of thes, 
 and sa nen sail scap us. Hark ye me, mon, you 
 mon tell 'um you cam o geod parentage, an ha lost 
 aw your siller as ye cam for Anglond ; you mon 
 speeke a hy, mon, an noot lick a mole under gron 
 pest herring. 
 
 Bil. Weel, weel, Ise be avis'd be you ; gif you 
 far weel, I sail noot far amiss. 
 
 Enter a Courtier. 
 
 Joe. Gang awey, mon ; gang awey, mon ; seest 
 tow yon braw mon tofore thy eyne. 
 
 [Billy runs towards him. 
 
 Bil. Bless your honor, Ise speek a word or twa 
 ta your honor ! 
 
 Com: My honour ! Pox on your fawning hide ! 
 what would you have with me, and be hang'd 1 
 
 Bil. Ne, ne, sir, I pray your honour wax noot 
 wrothfull ; Ise a mon o geod ranck in my own 
 contre, an ha kept geod beasts.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 125 
 
 Cour. Ay, for some bodies else. Thou dost not 
 look as though thou e'er wert worth one. 
 
 Bil. Ne, ne, sir, me non proper geods, geod feith. 
 I cam we mickle siller in me purss ta Englond, 
 weel clad. 
 
 Cour. With some old curtains that bore Sent 
 Andrew's story, or children's blanquets stoll, and 
 turii'd to trowsies. 
 
 Bil. Ne, geod feith, I ha een bien rob'd o aw. 
 
 Cour. Rob thee ! Of what ? Had he a mind to 
 be lousy ? But this is an engine laid to draw a 
 piece of silver to you ; is't not so % 
 
 Bil. Your honor speeks mickle weel. 
 
 Cour. There ! There's some of your country- 
 men at Court live better by this trade than you. 
 
 [lie gives him. 
 
 Joe. Un word ta your honor. 
 
 \As he goes Jochj meets him. 
 
 Cour. Hy day, another ! I'm waylaid ; hast 
 thou been robb'd too 1 
 
 Joe. Ne, ne, sir, ne ; thashreiff o Comberlond has 
 dun me mickle wrong, sir. 
 
 Cour. Whipt you about the pigmarket ? 
 
 Joe. A has tacken awey me cows, sir, an aw me 
 geods. See here, sir, I ha aw thos worthy Jestece 
 nams ta testifie ! 
 
 Cour. There is no beggar like the Scotch beggar 
 for tricks and impudence. Come, what must dis- 
 charge me from you, sir, and your bellowing 1 
 
 Joe. Geod feith, sir, I wont siller ta gat jestece. 
 
 Cour. Hadst thou had justice done thee, thou 
 hadst been hang'd long before this. 
 
 Bil. Bred, he's a fortuneteller. 
 
 Cour. There, — that will serve to buy you oat- 
 meal. Sir, there is no more of your catterwalling 
 companions hereabouts, is there ?
 
 126 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Joe. Ne, ne, sir, ant lick your honor. 
 
 Cour. Ne, ne, pox on your nees and your nose 
 too ; I'm glad I'm rid on you. [Exit. 
 
 Joe. Noow, sir, ye had noot tha fece ta bag ! 
 Hoow lick ye it noow, sir ? what ga he toU ye ] 
 
 Bil. Thes smaw peece o siller. 
 
 Joe. A geod begining, mon. Tolld a ye noot sum 
 o our contremen liev'd at Court by baggin. 
 
 Bil. I sea noow a Scot may ly by atorete, an 
 beg wi permission. VVeel, to Curt ta, an ly as fest 
 as tha beest o 'um. 
 
 Joe. Be me saw an that's herd ta dee. 
 
 Enter Mr. Folly. 
 
 Joe. Seest tow, seest tow, mon, yon braw fellow, 
 wi' his gold rop aboot's neck, an's long cot lick a 
 sark 1 Geod feith, he's ta herd for twanty o 'um. 
 
 Bil. He's tha feul, gis a noot 1 
 
 Joe. Ey, ey, mon ; a has feuld himsell intoll 
 mickle fevor, gif a feul himsell noot oout agen, — sey, 
 a cams aneust us, mon ! wees speeke toll him. — 
 Bless your honor, sir ! bless your honor ! Ise gled 
 ta sea your honour in heelth. 
 
 Fol. Be me saw, th'art a bold fellow. 
 
 Joe. I'm your own contremon, sir ; I ken your 
 honor mickle weel ; bless your worship. 
 
 Fol. Kenst tow me, mon ? 
 
 Joe. Mickle weel, an't lick your honour. I ken 
 your honor weel enough ; your honour is the 
 King's feul. 
 
 Fol. A, mon, he kepes mere feules than I ; bred, 
 he's kepe tow ta gif tow canst feul him. How far 
 Scot art tow ] 
 
 Joe. Marry, Ise a mickle wey oofe noow. 
 
 Fol. Bet I wad kne whar tow wert boorn '{
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 127 
 
 Joe. Gin me moder's weomb, sir, forty years 
 agast. 
 
 Fol 0ns, mon, speeke toll me i what piece o 
 Scotlond wert tow boorn 1 
 
 Joe. Geod feitli, gin meny, sir ; I ha hien boorn 
 fro piece to piece a me moder's back, sir ; and ha 
 seffered mickle sorrow. 
 
 Fol. The fow deel tack thy large lug ; wha was 
 thy fader ? 
 
 Joe. A mon, sir, surely. 
 
 Fol. The black deel a was, sir ; whar liev'd a ? 
 
 Joe. A, sir ! at a piece your honor kens mickle 
 weel. 
 
 Fol. Whar, mon, whar ? 
 
 Joe. A, sir ! A, sir ! what pleice caw ye that, sir, 
 whar your honor nurst tha tyny babe wi wull on's 
 back, sir ] 
 
 Fol. Oout, tha faw deel ; oout, rog ! — Bet wha art 
 tow, mon 1 
 
 Bil. I'm een yar contremon twa, sir; cam ta 
 bien a curtier ta, sir. 
 
 Fol. 0ns, a curtier ! — a carter, — tha hangmon, — 
 tha deel! 
 
 Bil. Ye ha geod friends thar, sir ; ye may dee 
 mickle for us. 
 
 Fol. Dee, mon ! bred, he that sail dee for thee 
 sail ha enough ta dee. Art geod for oought ? wha 
 canst dee for thy sell ? 
 
 Bil. E'en what ye sea, sir. 
 
 Fol. Oout, this is base ; it shams your contre, 
 mind ye me. AVha o ye swain ha mest wot ] 
 
 Joe. He that can sheft beest. 
 
 Fol. Height weel. 
 
 Joe. And that's e'en I ; this feule had noot a fece 
 ta bag toll I boldened hum. 
 
 Fol. Oout, oout, mon 3 sham-feect !
 
 128 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Bil Ne, ne, I sail grew bold enough gif I sail 
 get oouglit by't. 
 
 Fol. Gif ye had clad,* sirs, what curs wad ye 
 tacke to Hew 1 
 
 Bil. Ise cud mack tha King, bliss his Worship, 
 an't lick your honour, mickle geod puttins an 
 potsloose. f 
 
 Joe. I'd bien oth' Mint, sir; I loove to finger 
 siller. 
 
 Fol. Weel, sirs, cam away wy me ; for contre's 
 sack Ise gat ye sum purveyance, an sum lodging ; 
 and tan we sail find oout sum woork for ye emong 
 'um here. 
 
 .Joe. Bless your honor for your benefaites. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Townshift and Trapheir. 
 
 Town. Pray recollect yourself ; I cannot do't 
 Without a loss to my repute and fame, 
 If you have but a foot of ground unsold. 
 Therefore consult your thoughts, my willingness 
 Shall not be wanting to procure your freedom ; 
 But I'd not have a dirty piece of land 
 Bring an obstruction to't. 
 
 Tra. Why 1 As I live 
 I have not an inch left ; whate'er I mortgag'd 
 Is either sold outright or forfeited ; 
 I lie not, on my credit. 
 
 I'aivn. How's that, man ? 
 Have you credit, then 1 Why, that's as bad, 
 
 * Good clothing. In <S'(V Tristrem, " clad" is " covered with 
 armour."' 
 
 t Markham says black puddings are called "pots" in 
 Devon.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 1 L"J 
 
 It is not hold cnnvoniont l)y tlie Huff,* 
 Lords of the swoi'd, that any youngster should 
 Be one of us 'till he 'as not only lost 
 His 'state, hut's credit too. 
 
 Tra. Upon my life, 
 Dear Townshift, I've not credit for a thrips ;f 
 Thou know'st it well enougli, my roaging laundress 
 Will not do't for the washing of a shirt. 
 
 Tuicn. Why, have you shirts, then i 
 
 Tra. One, as I live, no more ; and that so thin, 
 You may draw't through a needle. 
 
 Town. What boots have you 1 
 
 Tra. I cannot call these any, yet th'are all ; 
 And as for stockings, I have long ago 
 Held them unnecessary. 
 
 Town. Why this cloak, 
 And th' weather warm and friendly ] 
 
 Tra. 'Tis too much ; 
 The weight on't, I confess, '» not to be borne ; 
 I'll ease me of the burthen : it shall sink 
 In sack when I'm made free, prethee about it. 
 
 Town. I would not for a world you should have 
 any 
 Remnant of your estate left ; 'twould undo you. 
 
 Enter Dr.vwforth and Pinckc.arcase. 
 
 See, here's my brothers, Drawforth and Pinck- 
 
 carcase ! 
 May I presume to recommend you to 'em ? 
 
 Tra. You may, you may, dear Townshift. 
 
 Draw/. How now, Trapheir ? 
 What ! is all gone yet ? 
 
 * A sect of Swaggerers, siinihir to the Alsatians of White- 
 friars. 
 t Qy., a threepenny? 
 
 I
 
 130 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Tmi'Yi. All, he swears by's twibell,* 
 His cloak excepted, and its time expires 
 Within this half-hour ; shall we make him free 1 
 
 Plnck. Trapheir, you now are to begin the 
 world, 
 Which you cannot do handsomely, unless 
 Your land and you be separated, and if 
 Aught lye conceal'd, 'twill rise in judgment 'gainst 
 
 you; 
 Therefore, pray, have a care ; 'tis Christian counsel. 
 
 Drawf. It is not fit the least piece of your old 
 Adulterate fortunes should corrupt the new 
 Your wit must purchase. 
 
 Toim. Right ; beside, he'll ne'er 
 Have a refin'd wit 'till he has nothing left. 
 
 Tra. The greatest enemy I have, gentlemen, is 
 my cloak, 
 And I promise you I'll see 't no more. 
 
 Pinck. Say you so ! then to the next tavern. 
 Boy ! boy ! a room. 
 
 Enter Drawer. 
 
 Draw. Please you to walk into a room, gentle- 
 men? 
 
 Toion. What call we thee for else ? 
 
 [They pass in and enter again. 
 Draw. How like you this room, gentlemen 1 
 Town. Indifferent ! bring us wine and tobacco 
 
 of the best, sirrah. 
 Di'aw. You shall indeed, sir. 
 Tra. Dear Townshift, thou must show this 
 gentleman 
 The way to th' brokers. [Pom/mr/ at his cloak. 
 
 Toini. Is he for sale, or mortgage ? 
 
 * A halbert.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 131 
 
 Tra. For sale, by all means. I'd not charge my 
 memory 
 I've aught left worth redeeming. 
 
 Enter BoY with wine. 
 
 Drmvf. Bravely resolv'd 1 — Is't racey 1 
 
 Draw. Right racey, sir, believe me. 
 
 Pinch Trapheir, to thee ! 
 
 Tra. Drink apace, dear Townsliift ! 
 
 [To his cloak. 
 The sight of that same gentleman's ray tortour, 
 I prethee, rid me of him ! 
 
 Drauf. Townshift, swear him ! 
 
 Tra. I can't with a safe conscience swear as long 
 As that appears before me. 
 
 Toicn. How shall I get it out o' tli' house 1 
 
 Tra. Leave thine here, and wear mine thither. 
 Oh, how I hate to call it mine ! — away with't ! 
 
 [Exit Toicnshift. 
 
 Pinck. Trapheir, you now must exercise your wit 
 To live on others, as w'ave liv'd on you. 
 Wit's never good till purchas'd, what though't be 
 With th' loss of fortune's trumpery and trash. 
 Content ne'er dwells 'mong dirty land ; who sells it 
 Parts with a deal of care, and scurvy toil ; 
 Men never are ingenious that are clogg'd with't. 
 The generous spirit will not be coop'd up 
 In that same country cage, a mansion-house, 
 And confines of the buttery. Be free ! 
 Thou art not worth a groat when this is spent. 
 
 Enter Townshift. 
 
 Tra. How much, how much, dear Townshift ? 
 Toion. But thirty, by my valour. 
 Tra. Down with't, down with't ! 
 
 [The money laid on the table.
 
 132 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 I'll not put up a dodkiu* oii't. Dear Townshift, 
 Drink, drink away ; I thirst until it's melted : 
 Your molten silver swallows best. 
 
 Drawf. His oath, his oath ! 
 
 Toivn. Your sword. 
 
 [Lays his hand on the hilt of his swoid. 
 
 By this hilt, and this blade, 
 Which at Hounslow was made, 
 You swear to be true 
 To what shall ensue. 
 
 First, you swear not to make it any scruple of 
 conscience to cheat your father : That you will hunt 
 after young heirs, and when you have courst them 
 out of wind, you'll refresh 'em with some scrivener, 
 broker, or draper : That you'll keep always three 
 strings to your bow, to make it l)end till it break : 
 That having gotten a Bubble or Byshop, a lad of 
 the last adoption, that you make him sensible of a 
 wench, though to the charge of a surgeon, it being 
 reason all trades should live, and, if occasion be, 
 wink at small faults. Next, be sure to keep them 
 continually at game, or drinking ; urge 'em to 
 quarrel, and then take up the business, but not 
 without profit to the Brotherhood : That Avhat 
 quarrels soever arise among ourselves, must not 
 cause us to fight with one another, but the coins 
 of the Bubble or Byshop must make us friends : 
 That you must not pay your coachman but with 
 kicks, unless your Bubble or Byshop do, and then 
 he owes jon a fare : That your Bubble, or Byshop, 
 and you keep but one purse, though two drabs : 
 
 * An exceedingly small coin, the eighth part of a stiver, 
 which is in itself a small coin (Dutcli), in value about a 
 farthing. A doit was half-a-farthing, and the stiver was its 
 superior.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 133 
 
 That wlien you have drained liim dry, you make 
 him free, if he sue for it ; if not, let him keep com- 
 pany with the titteretues, and live upon the sin of 
 .Sodom : Tliat you'll take your chance of the day, 
 where there is need of dipping, without grumljliug. 
 
 That while you can stand, 
 With sword in your hand, 
 You'll not be in awe 
 Of the Halberteer Law ; 
 
 Kiss this, Xow y'are free 
 
 [Kisses the hilt. 
 Of the Huffs' company. 
 
 Tm. Hey for the Brotherhood ! No wine stir- 
 ring, boy 1 
 You rascal, where's your duty ] Absent 1 Hah ! 
 More wine. 
 
 Enter Drawer. 
 
 Draiv. You shall, sir, by and by. 
 
 Tra. Briuir a <^lass will hold 
 A pint at least ! YExit Drawer.] I hate a thimblefull. 
 We shall ne'er have consum'd this mighty mass 
 
 [Puinliiuj to the money. 
 If we sip thus like sparrows. 
 
 Enter Drawer. 
 
 Ay, marry, this looks like some brother to you all. 
 
 Dranf. Ciramercy ! 
 
 Tra. Sirrah, cover the boord with bottles ; 
 This is our coronation day ; the room 
 Shall swim in wine. Be frolique, Huffs, and drain 
 Me dry, yet I shall live when y'are all haug'd. 
 
 \He begins to he drunk. 
 
 Town. How now, how now, Trapheir]
 
 134 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Tra. Drink, and be danin'd ! 
 Must I wait on your drivelling ? 
 . Tovcii. Drawforth, to you ! — charge him home. 
 
 Drawf. Trapheir, a whole bottle to thee ! I'm 
 up to th' chin, 
 
 Tra. So, so, sir y'are a fine fellow. Is all 
 
 paid ? 
 
 Town. No, all's not come in yet. 
 
 Tra. I'll stay no longer. 
 
 [He takes Totvnshift's cloak up. 
 
 Town. Pray leave my cloak behind you. 
 
 Tra. Your cloak, sir ! How came it to be yours, 
 sir ? I have one somewhere. 
 
 Town. Yours is at the brokers, sir. 
 
 2'ra. Is it so, sir 1 I thank you for the informa- 
 tion. 
 
 Drawf. There lies the virtue on't. 
 
 Tra. So, sir, I thank you twice ; for once I care 
 not if I put my cloak into my pocket. 
 
 [He snutcheth up the money. 
 
 Town. But, Trapheir, "Trapheir ! 
 
 I'inck. Who pays the house 1 
 
 Tra. Let the house pay itself Dip, dip and 
 be hang'd, you that have cloaks ; am I bound to fill 
 your insatiate gorge eternally ? 
 
 Pinch. What asses were we to let the money 
 lie so long, knowing his rascally humour ; he'll not 
 pay a penny when he's in drink. See what thou 
 canst work him to ! 
 
 Tovm. Boy ! 
 
 Enter Drawer. 
 
 Draic. Sir 1 shall, sir. [They whisper. 
 
 Tovm. Trapheir ! a prize, Trapheir ! 
 
 Tra. Of what ? S])rats % 
 
 Town. A gudgeon, man ; a gudgeon's come to net !
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 135 
 
 The master of the house desires admittance 
 To play a game at tick-tack* for a piece ; 
 
 And thou knowst, Traphcir liah 
 
 [He sluikes his arma. 
 Tra. I know it, rogue ; 
 And thou shalt play with him for all he's worth. 
 I'll venture on thy hand my whole estate, 
 Tiiis my trusty blade. Provided always, sir 
 
 Enter Master of the House. 
 
 Town. That you have half 'Tis granted — he's 
 here ! 
 Thou knowst I have no money. 
 
 Tra. Thou shalt not want, dear bully; I'll not leave 
 Myself a George. f [He gives him his money. 
 
 Toivn. Spoke like thy self ! come, be so. 
 There, sir, pay yourself 
 
 Mr. Y'are kindly welcome, gentlemen ; fetch 
 
 my quart. 
 Tra. Death ! what's this ] 
 
 Omnes. Ha, ha, ha ! Only the reckoning ])aid, sir. 
 Tra. Y'are rogues, shirks, and cheats ! I'll indict 
 
 you ! 
 Piud: Buoy, good sir ; employ your tongue at 
 Billingsgate. 
 Adieu, adieu ! [E.mint Town., Find:, Draicfmih. 
 Tra. Farewell, and be hang'd. For your i)art, 
 sirrah, 
 I'll have you up for keeping of a bawdy-house. 
 
 [Exit. 
 f 3Ir. Do your worst, sir ; do your worst ! [Exit. 
 
 * Trick - track, or tick - tack. A species of backgammon, 
 played both wth men and pegs, and more complicated. Some- 
 times the phrase has been used in an indelicate sense. 
 
 t A George-Noble, a gold coin worth Os. 8d.
 
 136 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Act ir. 
 
 Enter Folly, Jocky, and Billy, very gallant. 
 
 Fol. Y'ar mickle braw, sirs; y'ar mickle braw. 
 Bred, ye leoke mere lick Burgemasters noow thon 
 hedg creepers. Ken ye your sells, sirs ? ken ye 
 your sells, sirs 1 
 
 Joe. Geod feith, sir, gif aw that sud ken tliemsells 
 wad ken tliemsells, nen wad ken us. A me saw, 
 sir ! I'd rader ha 'um trast me thon ken me ; sur, 
 gif thay sud ken me reight, thay'd sea me deed 
 tofore thay' trast me. 
 
 Fol. Y'ar mickle wise, sir; ye ha rob'd a feul, sur. 
 
 Joe. We wish you weel, sir ; we wish you weel. 
 
 Fol. Sey ye sa, sir 1, y'ar vary cheretable. Ken 
 ye me, sirs 't On's, ye are gron see loofty, you'l 
 knee ne body. Wha set you up, in tha deel's 
 nam ? wha, wha put thes gay fethers on your 
 back ? E'en I ! an noow yol flee awey ta tha deel. 
 Harke ye me, sirs ; gif ye bien sa high, Ise tack ye 
 down wy a plague ta ye. Wha had y'ar intail'd 
 virmine tane ofl" ye wy a murren 1 Wha, wha 
 gat ye a 
 
 Bil. Oour faders and moders, sir. 
 
 Fol. Did thay sa, sir ? Bred, gif thay gat ye, 
 thay ner cud gat feod enough for yar side weombs. 
 Are you provander prickt noow, sirs ? Ha, wha 
 am 1 1 ha, sirs, ha, wha am I ? 
 
 Bil. Oour geod friend, sir ; bliss you. 
 
 Fol. The deel wound ye, sleight ye me ? On's, 
 Ise sa geod a mon gas aw in Scotlond, an ha mei^ 
 siller in me purse. 
 
 Joe. Anglish stamp, sir ; I beleev't. 
 
 Fol. Ye beleeft 1 Wha tha deel cares for vour 
 beieeif ?
 
 THK SCOTCH FIGGARIP:S. 1:57 
 
 Joe. fleod sir, geod sir, l)e sober. 
 
 Fol. Bred, Lse not drunken ; lia ye bien at cost 
 wy me, sirs J Hah ! lse sail uncass ye, sirs, an ge 
 your arse tha ayr agen ; are ye sa hot, sirs ? 
 Want ye a cooler 1 Bred, lse ge ye sick a rattle 
 wy a rom ore tha riggins sail mack your ribs reore, 
 sirs. 
 
 Joe. Geod, your honour, put \\\) your wroth, an 
 wees buckle oour wots ; wees yar on contremons, 
 ye knee weel enough. 
 
 Bil. An sud leove won oder. Y'ave a geo<l 
 mester, sir, an oour contremon, wha macks mickle 
 () you. 
 
 Fol. Bred, an lse mack sa mickle o hum as I can. 
 
 Joe. He's a geod mon, sir ; and you ha wot 
 t'liough. 
 
 Foi. Ken you that, mon ; ken you that ? 0ns, 
 an ye bien not Avud, ye ma ha wot ta chep enough ; 
 bet lse ne body, my benefaits are noought woorth. 
 
 Joe. Y'ar aw body, sir; wees at your commande- 
 ment. 
 
 Fol. Sey ye sa, sir ? AVhy, noow ye speeke ; 
 be vis'd by me, an ye sail ouutwot 'um aw. Mind 
 ye me, sirs ; will ye be avis'd ? 
 
 Joe. Sed ye, sir ; wy aw our harts. 
 
 Fol. lse ha ye turn dooctors. 
 
 Joe. lse a dooctor I a dooctor ! Geod feith, wees 
 mack bra dooctors. 
 
 Fol. Mind me, mon ; mind me. Thes Kingdom's 
 mickle sick, tha Curt o tha cety, tha cety o tha 
 Curt, an tha contre o beoth, an aw o 'um o tha 
 Kirk an tha Law. Tha Kingdom's livorgron 
 wy iddlnes an raches, an noow noought can cm- it 
 bet a Scots dooctor, ne matter for your skill. 
 
 Joe. Geod feith, sir, wees ha skill enoough ta 
 bleed its siller vains, lse warrant ye.
 
 138 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Fol. Ha bet confidence, lie and dissemble liand- 
 somly. 
 
 Bil. Wees y'ar on contremons, sir ; doobt it noot. 
 
 Fol. Tha nam o a Scot gis enough ta cur aw 
 their maladies. Ge 'um peson an thay'l tack it for 
 a cordall. Perswad 'um thay ar sick, thay'l beleeff 
 ye, and gif ye mack 'um sick, thay'l beleeff th'are 
 in beest helth ; bet ye mon carry sem show 
 
 hoUiness wy ye, an profess aw for tliayr 
 geods. 
 
 Joe. Sa we sail, sir ; an tack 'um whan we ha 
 deon. 
 
 Fol. Billy sail gaing toll th' contre, and tow salt 
 kep behind, an bien dooctor here, and gif tow 
 best wot enoough tow canst noot wont werk. 
 
 Joe. Ne, geod feith, I sail mack mesell Averk 
 enoough ; for gif I can hel ne distampers, Ise mack 
 enoough emong 'um. 
 
 Fol. Cam awey than, cam awey ! [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Trapheir and Boy. 
 
 Boy. 'Twas morning ere he went to bed, sir. 
 Tra. All's one ; tell who 'tis, and 'twill l)e 
 warrant 
 Enough for your awaking him ; 'tis business 
 
 1 come about, and of concernment too. 
 That cannot admit delay. 
 
 Boy. I'll venture then to call him, sir. [Exit. 
 
 Tm. Do so. If this design 
 Of mine proves prosperous, Townshift, it will be 
 Some comfort to me that I am even with thee. 
 
 Enter Boy. 
 
 Boy. He'll M'ait upon you presently ; 
 He's rising. [Exit.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIKS. " 139 
 
 Till. A good lad. — Townsliift, una thyself, 
 For I am prepar'd to give thee an assault, 
 And dare thy action at law, if wit 
 And sword should fail, dear Townshift. 
 
 Enter Townshift. 
 
 Town. By this light I have not slept 
 A minute. What's the news ? You serv'd us 
 
 bravely 
 The other night at tavern. 
 
 Tra. Oil, this drinking ! 
 This perilous drinking will destroy us all. 
 Thy pardon, my dear heart ; the business now 
 I come al)()ut will try thy friendship. 
 
 Town. Howl 
 I hope no quarrel. 
 
 Tra. Yes, with my base stars. 
 
 Toivn. But what's the matter, tell me % 
 
 Tra. That's my meaning ; 
 A sort of rascally bailiffs dogg'd me hither, 
 And thou know'st if 1 be once ta'en I am 
 A slave i)erpetually. 
 
 Tovm. What wouldst thou have me to do 1 
 We'll send to Drawforth and the rest. 
 
 Tra. 'Twon't do ; 
 They'll make but a disturbance in the street, 
 Yet I may be surpris'd for all their valour. 
 And then T am undone. The hopes 1 have 
 In one I am to dine with lost, which might 
 Be worth to thee and me some hundreds, bully. 
 
 Town. Send for him ! now let him take up the 
 business. 
 
 Tra. What ! ere I'm throughly known to him ? 
 Besides, 
 Should he take this up. twenty more would follow 't ;
 
 140 ' THE SCOTCH FIGGAKIES. 
 
 Who, knowing me so low now, do forbear 
 To execute their rigour. 
 
 Town. What wouldst thou have me do 1 
 
 Tra. Hark thee, I've thought upon a fine deceit. 
 Hast any patches in thy chamber 1 
 
 Town. Kare ones, 
 Of all sorts. 
 
 Tra. One to disguise my face, with a cloak, would 
 Do't to the life. 
 
 Town. Sure they are gone ; I'll send to see, 
 
 Tra. Oh, hang 'em, rogues ! th'are skulking at 
 th' Lane's end, 
 Or some blind alehouse. Dearest Townshift, do't. 
 
 Totcn. Do what ? 
 
 Tra. Lend me thy cloak, and I'll contrive a patch 
 Shall cover my left eye, they may not know me. 
 
 Toivn. I know not what to do. I should go forth 
 Myself. 
 
 Tra. Nay, prethee Townshift 
 
 Toion. Will you leave 
 Your sword, then 1 you'll have no 
 
 Tra. Prethee wouldst have me 
 Pass by 'em unprovided ; put the worst. 
 They should descry me 1 
 
 Town. There's no trick in't, Trapheir ? 
 
 Tra. No more trick than you see. I prethee 
 meet me in Fish Street at the Feathers, where 
 we'll dine ; there thou shalt see my friend, and I'll 
 restore thy cloak, dear Townshift. 
 
 Unter Boy. 
 
 Tou-n. Well, thou shall't ha't. Boy, fetch 
 My cloak and patches ! 
 
 [Boy exit and re-enters with cloak. 
 'Tis thine, there, take it ! [Gives it him.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGAKIES. 141 
 
 Tra. Gramorcy I is't liandsomo ? 
 
 Toini. Very well. 1 must lie down an«l take a 
 nap. 
 At twelve I will not fail to meet thee. [Exit. 
 
 Tra. Sirrah, boy, be sure you wake him. 
 
 Biry. I warrant you, sir. [Exit. 
 
 Tra. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 I'm sworn to cheat my father, and 'tis fit 
 He that first made the gin should hansell it. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Enter Smallfaith, Folly, and Jc^cky. 
 
 tinial. Sir, you are kindly welcome; and the oft'ner 
 You visit me, the welconier you shall be. 
 1 honour men of knowledge. Master Folly, 
 I am oblig'd to you for his acquaintance. 
 
 Fol. Geod feith, sir, an he's worth yours. I sail 
 Play him wy any Anglish dooctor in the warld. 
 
 Joe. Ne, sir, Ise can dee mere than Ise speeke, 
 sir. 
 
 Sival. I believe you, sir. 
 By what I find of truth within myself. 
 I must confess, I am not altogether 
 So right as 1 would ; my body tells me 
 1 may admit of physick. 
 
 Ji.K. JMickle weel, sir. 
 
 Smal. I'm troubled with the spleen, a strong 
 disease 
 Amongst us magistrates, which makes me fear 
 'Tis not for cure. 
 
 Joe. Ise cure it in twa minutes, gif ye ha 
 Bien trobl'd wy it twanty years ; an aw 
 Your tribe, gif tha'll cam toll me. 
 
 Fol. Ne, ne, lie's reight. 
 
 Smal. You'll do a wondrous cure. then.
 
 142 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Joe. I sail dee't, o me honor. Bet that's noot aw. 
 Your malade ; ye are noot soound at heart, sirs. 
 
 Smal. I know not that, sir. 
 
 Joe. Planty an iddleness ha bred gross humours 
 in you, whilk mon be pourged awey, or elke ye 
 dee for't ; bet Ise sail ge ye that, sir, sail mack ye 
 bare an leight enough. 
 
 Smal. I thank you, sir ; accept this, pray, and I 
 
 [^He gives him (jolcl. 
 Shall further gratify; but be speedy, 
 Good sir, with your preparatives. 
 
 Joe. Ise gang aboot it stret ; Ise gang aboot it, sir. 
 
 Smal. Your servant, gentlemen ; I shall hear 
 from you, sirl 
 
 Joe. Soon, mickle soon, sir. [Exit. 
 
 Leok, mon, leok ! aw thay bien sick o gis sike fin 
 things as thes. Fiev golden lads, mon ! Fiev mere 
 are woorth a leard's land, sir ! Geod feith, gif their 
 veins wul ran sike drops as thes, wees drtiin um 
 dry. A simple feuls ! that ken noot whan th'are 
 weel, bet wuU bien wasting thair means toll set 
 thair hoodies oot o frame. A feuls ! feuls ! 
 
 Fol. Ne matter, mon, gif oought can be gut \vy 
 putting um oout o fram ; tha deel try his skill to 
 put um in agen for Jocky. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Billy, and a Crew of Country People. 
 
 Bil. Keep off, sirs, keep off; ga me wund toll 
 speek toll ye. Ise cam for aw your geods, mind 
 ye me 1 
 
 Om.ties. Very well, very well. 
 
 Bil. Ise cur aw diseases, aw manner o malades, 
 an sail tack n oought o ye for me peyn bet your 
 siller. Gif there bien or a kirk prest emong ye 
 choak'd up wy pluraltes o benefaits, tha poowder
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. U:} 
 
 in thes pauper macks the impostom ])r<'ck, an tacks 
 aw awcy clere. Gif any prest bien vext wy tha 
 Bahylonish mang, thes purgation, raed in me non 
 cuntre, curs hum were he ner sa fer spent. 
 
 1 Conn. For our doctor, sir ! for our doctor ! 
 
 2 Caun. For our vicar ! [He dhperseth 
 
 3 Couii. For our parson ! his papers. 
 
 4 Cmb7i. For our curate ! 
 
 5 Coun. For our bishop, prebends, and curates ! 
 Bil. Gif any emong ye bien troubl'd wy tha 
 
 neyce o organs in your kigs, thes poowder curs you 
 for ever. 
 
 1 Coun. For our town, sir ! 
 
 2 Coun. For ours too, sir ! [He disperseth, etc. 
 
 3 Conn. And ours, and ours, sir ! 
 
 4 Coun. And our whole county, sir ! 
 
 Bil. Gif eny emong ye bien blind wy tha seight 
 o lawn sleeves, thes curs and restores ye. 
 
 1 Cou7i. For my landlord, sir ! 
 
 2 Coun. For mine too, sir ! [He disperseth. 
 
 3 Cou7i. And mine ! 
 
 4 Cotm. And mine ! 
 
 5 Co?m. And mine ! 
 
 Bil. Gif eny emong ye ha tha beon o a tith'd 
 soow's babey stick in your wund pip, thes saw cur 
 you stret. and tack aw awey. 
 
 1 Coun. For me, sir ! 
 
 2 Coun. For me too, sir ! [He disperseth. 
 
 3 Coun. And me, sir ! 
 
 4 Coun. And me, sir I 
 
 5 Coun. And me, sir, pray ! 
 
 Bil. Gif eny emong ye bien troubl'd wy heart- 
 burnings, tha poowder in thes pauper curs ye stret. 
 
 1 Cou7i. For my neighbour, sir ! 
 
 2 Coun. And mine, sir ! 
 
 \ 3 Coun. And mine too, sir, I pray !
 
 144 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 4 Coun. And som of our whole town, good sir ! 
 
 Bil. Gif eny o ye bien sore wy ore mickle 
 burdens an weary o your riders, tlies poowder 
 macks ye strong ta orethraw um, or ta bar greater. 
 
 Omnes. For us all, sir ! 
 
 Bil. Gif eny o your stomacks bien opprest wy 
 law, tlies pell sail remoove tha cause, and tack it 
 awey. Gif eny bien hard boound, thes sail mack 
 mickle free. 
 
 1 Coun. For my landlord, sir ! 
 
 2 Coun. For mine too, sir ! 
 
 3 Coun. And mine, sir ! 
 
 4 Coun. And mine, sir ! 
 
 5 Co^im. And mine, sir ! 
 
 BU. Gif eny emong ye bien trobl'd wy a scurvy 
 mooth, thes tacks aw felth awey. 
 
 1 Coun. For my wife, sir I 
 
 2 Coun. For mine, sir I 
 
 3 Coun. And mine, sir ! 
 
 4 Co'un. And mine, sir ! 
 
 5 Coim. And my mistress, sir I 
 
 Bil. Gif eny bien trobl'd wy a loosnes, thes ties 
 'um fest as a rope or hawter. 
 
 1 Coun. For my wafe, sir ! 
 
 2 Coun. And mine, sir \ 
 
 3 Coun. And mine, sir ! 
 
 Bil. Geod peple, noow I ha gau ye aw remedies 
 ta your malacles. Twa dees hence Ise sail bien her 
 or noot ta sey wliot operation tha ha had upon ye. 
 Ise sur ye sail ha remedy or non. An sa far ye 
 wall. [Exit Billy. 
 
 Omnes. Farewell, sir, farewell ! [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Trapheir and Witwud. 
 //'/7. A pretty place this.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 145 
 
 Tra. But the company ! 
 The company, dear coz, hither resorts 
 Gives life and sweetness to't. The rarest wits ! 
 So rare, a man may lose himself ere he 
 Discover 'em, — for they are not to be [Aside.. 
 
 Discovered. Besides, the women, ladies 
 Of such excelling beauty, — you would swear 
 They painted, and not be forsworn, — as merry 
 As Cupid wlien he wantons. 
 
 JVit. And you spent 
 Your means amongst 'urn 1 
 
 Tra. And spent rarely well ! 
 I've no remorse for't. Can you sing \ 
 
 IFit. Not I, coz. 
 
 Tra. How, coz ! not sing 1 "\Miy, then, you ai-o 
 no company. 
 We have a merry life so long as't lasts, 
 I'll lay my life you fence not neither. 
 
 mt. Yes, 
 My grounds I do. 
 
 Tra. Have you the grounds of fencing ? that is, 
 To make the passado, to retreive, comply, 
 Defend, make u]), close, and disarm 1 
 You know not this, I warrant 1 
 
 Wit. Not I, truly. 
 
 Tra. I cannot tliink what will become of you 
 "When you meet men of valour. 
 
 JFit. I pray, keep me 
 Out of their comjiany ; I love no quarrels. 
 I came to study th' law. 
 
 Tra. At a fine time. 
 Y'''ave bought no books, I hope 1 
 
 JVit. Ay, but I have. 
 
 I'ra. Return them to the bookseller; for shame! 
 A sword will prove more useful. Hark ye, coz, 
 I am resolv'd to have you learn to fence. 
 
 K
 
 14G THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 JVU. I'd rather learn to sing. 
 Tra. That ye shall, too : 
 Your money will do all things. 
 
 Enter Town shift. 
 
 Yonder's Townshift ; 
 
 How like a rogue he looks ! I will not shun him. 
 
 [Askle. 
 
 And cousin, as I was telling you 
 
 [Toumshift pulls him by the sleeve. 
 
 Town. With your leave, sir. 
 
 Tra. 'Twas well askt, sir. 
 What's your will with me 1 
 
 Toicn. My cloak, sir ; where's my cloak, sir 1 
 
 Tra. Even at the brokers, sir 
 
 Toxon. How % you are a rogue ! 
 
 Tra. That's nothing, sir : your railing will not 
 fetch it out again. 
 Townshift, I love thee ; thou knowst I do. 
 
 Toum. A pox upon you ! 
 
 Tra. Thou knowst the oath : I'm not to spare 
 my father ; 
 And though we quarrel, yet we must not fight. 
 I'm punctual to my oath ; but if thou hast 
 The conscience, I am ready. {Offers to draw. 
 
 Town. Is he sunk for ever % 
 
 Tra. No, it may rise again, if you be civil. 
 
 Town. Is that your friend 1 
 
 Tra. And kinsman. 
 
 Tenon. Wilt thou cheat him too ? 
 
 Tra. My oath is past, I will not be forsworn 
 For a king's ransom. 
 
 Toxvn. Nay, then, I'm satisfied. 
 
 Tra. Come, be known to him. Coz, this is my 
 friend.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. U7 
 
 Toxmi. Sir, I kiss your hand. 
 
 /n7. I thank you heartily, sir. 
 
 Tra. Fie, coz, fie ; there's a comphment ! 
 
 Wit. He does not look as though he needed aught, 
 Save Avhat thou want'st, — a cloak. 
 
 Tra. Good wit, coz ; good wit ! 
 
 Town. Oh, rogue ! how he claws him ! 
 
 Tra. Where shall's dine 1 
 
 IFit. I'll to the ordinary. 
 
 Tra. Where? 
 
 IFit. In Fetter Lane. 
 
 Tra. To feed on bruis, and be serv'd with linen 
 As sable as the chimney % No ; we'll take 
 A coach, and hence to Fish Street. 
 
 Wit. What shall we do there 1 
 
 Tra. Eat tish ; the world does not afford the like. 
 
 Wit. But th' coach is costly. 
 
 Tra. Pough ! I'll be at that ; 
 'Tis said the milk of asses makes men fat. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Act in. 
 Enter Jocky and Mistress Smallfaith. 
 
 Jock. Fy, mastres, fy ! geod feith, y'ar mickle 
 oout ; I ga hum noought bet convenal^le stooff. 
 
 Mrs. Small. Y'are a rascall, a Scotch horseleech ! 
 A doctor ? a dolthead I Oh, the madness of the 
 men of these times ; if any of them be but a little 
 out of temper, none can set them right but a 
 Scotch doctor, forsooth, as though all the English 
 ones were fools. But, sirrah ! sirrah ! it is well 
 known my hus})and [she runs at him] was never 
 distempered till he came acquainted with such a 
 decoy as you. Curse on the time [JFeeps. 
 
 Joe. Geod mistras, hark ye toll me.
 
 148 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Mrs. Small. Hang you, rascal ! my husband was 
 never troubled with whimsies in liis head, nor 
 never rail'd against his superiors ; he was ever a 
 quiet man, and an honest man, and had the love 
 of the whole Coui't ; and so had I too. Many a 
 good turn have the good gentlemen done me, which 
 I must never expect now again, so violently my 
 husband rails against the Government. But if 
 he suffer for't, thou shalt not wear a nose to thy 
 face. A nose on thy face, said I ? nay, if there be 
 a sign-post in all this town I'll hang thee on't. 
 Ah, poor heart ! 
 
 Enter Mr, Smallfaith. 
 
 Here he comes. See what a pickle you have put 
 him in ! My fingers itch to come at thy face, that 
 ugly face of thine. [She runs at him. 
 
 Joe. A me saw, she's a deil, and wull spell aw 
 my market gif I ser her noot lick him. Thes gis o 
 tha sem powder, whilk gif sha smell ta, wull 
 mack her sa lick him as may be, 
 
 3Irs. Small. Sweet heart ! 
 
 Mr. Small. Oh, art thou there ] 'tis well. There 
 has bin ne'er 
 A purse vant here yet to fetch me, has there 1 
 
 Mrs. Small. A pursevant for you ! for what 
 cause, husband 1 
 
 Air. Small. I am too honest, that is cause enough. 
 There is a council table, yes, forsooth, 
 And at it is contriv'd men's ruins. Hah ! 
 
 [Starts. 
 Who's that t who's that 1 Is't not for me they ask ] 
 I shall be lost quite, if I look not well 
 About me. 
 
 Mrs. Small. True, y'are in the way to undo
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 149 
 
 Yourself and me and all your family. 
 But this is thy gin, rascal. Oh, I could tear thee ! 
 
 [Jluns at him. 
 
 Joe. iMistras, ga me wliil toll sj^'eke toll ye. 
 Thes wudnes* o his cam fro tha corruption o his 
 hart. Aw that I ga hum was sike as thes, be me 
 saw, — smeel, laddy ; smeel, laddy. 
 
 Mrs. Small. I have not patience. 
 
 Joe. Ne, ne, be noot wud, smell toll it. 
 
 [She smells. 
 
 Mrs. Small. Methinks 'tis very comfortable. 
 
 [She starts. 
 
 Joe. Hoow doll ye, geod sir 1 
 
 Mr. Small. Oh, Mr. Doctor, is't thee ! art safe 1 
 'Tis wonderful there's nothing charg'd against thee ! 
 There is an office call'd the Green-cloth, too ; 
 Has no man had thee there yet ] [She starts again. 
 
 Joe. They ken me sa weel, sir. — It warks brawly. 
 
 [Aside. 
 
 Mrs. Small. Hark you, husband, what is that 
 you said but now 1 I believ't ; what was't ] The 
 King is pestilent, wilful, — hah ! Was't so 1 Why, 
 then, for aught I know, he must be beaten into 
 better manners. 
 
 Joe. Height weel said, geod fiiith. 
 
 3[rs. Small. Honest Mr. Doctor, pray come in, sir ; 
 You are the welcom'st man come to my house 
 This fortnight. Husband, love him ! has he not 
 A taking countenance 1 
 
 Mr. Small. No body at the gate 1 [Starts. 
 
 I am possest with fears and jealousies. 
 
 Mrs. Small. And well you may be, husband ; I 
 am sure 
 You have had cause enough. Good man, I grieve, 
 1 grieve to think on't. 
 
 * Insanity.
 
 150 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Mr. Small. Mr, Doctor, be advis'd ; 
 Pray go not unprepar'd. To-night you shall 
 Take my house for your shelter ; things work 
 strangely. 
 Mrs. Small. Sweet Mr. Doctor, you shall be so 
 welcome. 
 It passes ! truly, y'are a man upright 
 In every thing, I warrant ; pray come in, sir. 
 Joe. Geod feith, tha cass is awter'd. \_Exeunt. 
 
 Enter a Ceew of Country People. 
 
 1 Coun. Bring forth your prongs, neighbours. 
 All men stand up for the truth ; and he that will 
 lie on the Sunday is not to be trusted the week 
 after. What say you, neighbours 1 
 
 2 Coun. I say a Sunday's lie may go as far as a work- 
 day's ; my reason is, it has more leisure to travel. 
 
 3 Coun. For my i)art, neighbours, let them lie 
 that will ; I have no more to do with a lie than a 
 lie has to do with me. If any lyes with my wife, 
 it shall go hard but I'll do as much with his. 
 
 1 Coun. Ay, if he have one, neighbour. 
 
 3 Coun. Why, if he have none, neighbour, I must 
 go without. No man will be a slave, I think. 
 
 2 Coun. A slave ! Who has such a mind let 
 him have it still. For my part, neighbours, I'll 
 work hard — earn my bread with the sweat of my 
 brows, — none shall eat away the fruit of my labour; 
 but I will sit down M^hen it is done, and laugh in 
 despight of all the Kasars in the world. 
 
 4 Coun. Hold a pluck there, neighbour ; 'tis ill 
 playing Avith edge-tools. That word 'desj)ight' comes 
 not in handsomely, and may bring us all to the pot. 
 
 3 Coun. What ! have we a scab'd sheep amongst 
 us ] Let's clear our flock of him ! 
 
 4 Coun. Hold, neighbour, hold ! I am for you
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 151 
 
 with all my heart, but give me leave to s])eak to 
 you. I am but a fool, 'tis confest, but children 
 and fools tell truth sometimes, you know. 
 
 Omnes. And what of that ? and what of that ] 
 4 Cou7i. I say again, 'ti.s dangerous meddling with 
 edge-tools. There's store of trees hereabouts, and 
 there may be gibbets made of them, and you know 
 well enough what fruit gibbets bring forth. I say 
 no more, but be careful what you do. 
 Omnes. Away with him, away with him ! 
 4 Coun. One word more, neighbours, one word 
 more. It is not well to mock our superiors, much 
 worse to threaten them; for, as I have heard, there 
 was a suit at law commenced about a fart. 
 Omnes. Ha, ha, ha ! how, man, how 1 
 4 Coim. Why, I will tell you, neighbours ; be 
 but patient. There was a fellow, I'll not tell his 
 name, was pissing against the wall ; the Mayor 
 came by, — now you know the proverb. Tell a tale 
 to a mare and 'twill let a fjxrt ; but here the case 
 alters, for the fellow let the fart, and the Mayor 
 took it in the nose, and caused the fellow to be 
 carried to the town hall as prisoner. 
 
 3 Coun. The Mayor was a horse, or a whorson 
 knave ; what's this to us i 
 
 4 Coun. Now to th' suit. 
 
 2 Coun. 'Tis worn out, we'll have none on't. 
 
 4 Coun. Neighbours, lay dowai your prongs, take 
 my devise ; 'tis an old proverb, Be merry and wise. 
 
 Omnes. Away with him, away with him; we will 
 break the cords of our slavery ! [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Jocky, and Folly, and Anything. 
 
 Fol. Thes gis tha doctor I toll'd ye o, sir; mickle 
 wise an holy : 
 My non contrymon ta, sir.
 
 152 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Any. Sir, the character 
 The town receives of you makes me ambitious 
 Of your acquaintance. 
 
 Joe. I complamen noot, sir ; Ise doownreight 
 Scot ; — 
 Aw verety an honesty. 
 
 Any. The better, sir ; 
 That language is the freest from, deceit 
 That carries most simplicity. 
 
 Joe. Ne, ne, Ise noot sa sample neder. 
 
 Any. Pardon me ; 
 I speak not in that sense, but have regard 
 Unto the metaphor. I don't conclude, 
 'Cause th' organ of the soul may be infected, 
 The soul must be imperfect ; for I've known 
 Men rarely endu'd, that Nature has deny'd 
 The benefit of expression to. 
 
 Joe. Y'ar a scollard, sir. 
 
 Any. And I presume you one. I have read 
 something 
 Of th' metaphysicks, though I took not on me 
 The function or the practice. But no more 
 Of that, sir ; 'tis not wisdom in a man 
 Unskill'd, to hold a weapon 'gainst a fencer. 
 
 Joe. Mickle weel sed, geod feith. 
 
 Ally. All my discourse 
 Draws to this period ; that is, you'd be pleased 
 T' afford me your opinion. Something I ail. 
 But know not what, save this, a deprivation 
 Of breath, and find it prejudicial to 
 My calling. 
 
 Joe. You ha bad lungs, sir, whilk macks ye 
 short wound. 
 
 Any. I could have told you that, sir. My defect 
 Proceeds from thence ; but for the remedy — 
 I know my failings.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 153 
 
 Joe. You'll faw, sir, intoll a consumption very 
 soon, sir, gif ye tack noought ta keep ye fro it. 
 Aw the dregs o Kome mon be tane fro ye. 
 
 Fill. Gead feith, gif he tack yee in hand, sir, y'ar 
 aw hole. 
 
 Joe. Y'ar ta fat at hart, sir ! pluraletes bred bet 
 iddlenes, an iddlenes, bad humors ; yee mon keep 
 a spar diet, sir, an be brought low we purgations, 
 sir ; an whan tim sers ha sim comfortives, sir. 
 
 Any. Sir, I shall trust my body to your care. 
 
 Joe. Bet Ise net trust me saw to yours. [Asidf. 
 
 Enter a Servant. 
 
 Ser. Sir, Mr. Soongull'd desires you would come 
 with the doctor to him presently. 
 
 Fol. I sal, swett hart, my Jo. Doctor, you mon 
 ta Mr. Soongull'd wi me. 
 
 Amj. You are sent for, sir, I see. 
 
 Joe. Bet I sal ha ye in mind, sir. 
 
 Any. As soon as may be. Farewell, sir ! 
 
 [E.rit. 
 
 Joe. Fer noot, sir ; fer noot ! [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Trapheir, Witwud, ayid Townshift — 
 Drawer, with wine. 
 
 Draw. This is the best room, gentlemen. 
 
 Wit. It stinks of tobacco, don't it, coz 1 
 
 Town. How ! tobacco ] 
 Tobacco is companion for a prince ! 
 
 JFii. I take none, though. 
 
 Tra. Then you Avant education. Fill, boy, fill ! 
 Townshift, to thee. [Exit Drawer. 
 
 Town. Let it come. 
 
 [Enter Drawer tcith pipes and tobacco.
 
 154 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Draiv. Sir, ther's some gentlemen in the next 
 room desires your company. 
 
 Toivn. What are they 1 
 
 Draw. I think their names be Drawforth and 
 Pinckcarcase. 
 
 Tra. Plain Drawforth and Pinckcarcase ; well, 
 admit 'em I 
 Shall it be so, coz 1 
 
 Wit. I hope there'll be no quarrelling. 
 
 Tra. What if there be ? 
 Have you not here your men of iron by you ? 
 
 Enter Drawforth, Pinckcarcase, and 
 Wantwit. 
 
 Can you be better back'd and breasted, sir '\ 
 Townshift, the rogues have got a bubble. 
 
 Town. The more the merrier. Your servant, 
 Gentlemen. 
 
 Drawf. This is our friend, and desires your 
 acquaintance. 
 
 Flnck. Gentlemen, a man of worth, I'll assure 
 you. 
 
 Wit. What countryman, I pray, sir 1 
 
 Want. An Essex man, sir ; your servant. 
 
 Draivf. The better flesh, Pll warrant. 
 
 Want. I know not that, sir ; I have ne'er bin 
 tried. 
 
 Wit. Nor ne'er shall be for me. 
 
 Pinck. Drink, drink about I 
 
 Tmvn. To thee, Drawforth ! 
 
 Draw/. A health to thy friends, Mistress ! 
 
 Tra. Well done, about with't ! 
 
 Wit. I thank you, gentlemen. 
 
 Tra. What ! not begin another 1
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 155 
 
 fFit. I've flrank too hard already ; tliis same 
 glass and no more. 
 Gentlemen, your ladies' health, sir. 
 
 Pinck. Why, Trapheir, whence this gallantry 'i! 
 
 Tra. What an idle question 
 Is that of thee ! Why, who should do't, but this \ 
 He sent his tailor to take measure of 
 The buildings of our bodies. 
 
 Town. And th' ap})urtenances 
 Came to us by like Providence. 
 
 Draivf. Drink, drink about ! 
 
 Tra. Coz, let me give thee o'er our wine some 
 counsel. 
 You are a landed man, be careful what 
 Strange company you keep ; for there are cheats. 
 And desperate cheats, abroad, will make no 
 
 conscience 
 To bring you into bonds, and make you sell 
 Or mortgage all you have. Take heed, good coz, 
 What company you keep. 
 
 IVit. He that cheats me shall have good luck, 
 coz. 
 
 Pinr'k. When does your tailor fit your body with 
 A fashionable suit ? This bears an antique 
 And worn-out date. A gentleman of your fortunes, 
 And walk so like a cow-driver ! 
 
 irant. I will have one 'gainst Sunday. 
 
 Pinck. Some six yards makes me one, too; let it 
 be so. Hah ! 
 
 Drairf. The like proportion fits me ; twelve ! us 
 both. 
 
 fFant. Well, it shall be done, gentlemen. 
 
 [Beijins to he drunk. 
 
 Toun. Drink, drink about, your friend is gone ! 
 
 Drairf. I'll send yours after him. 
 
 rj'it. I — must — be — gone ; 'tis — late !
 
 15G THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Tra. No, sure ! AVhat by thy watch % 
 Wit. The hand is up — on — on — twel — ve. 
 Drawf. He's drunk ! 
 
 Tra. A pretty watch ! I prethee lend it me, 
 To have another made by. 
 
 JFit. 'Tis — a — watch — of price, coz. 
 
 Tra. I would not borrow it else. 
 
 Pinck. What store of chink have you 1 
 
 Want. Money — enough, money — enough ! 
 
 Pinck. Lend me a piece or two. 
 
 Want. There — there, boy. 
 
 Draicf. The like to me, sir; come, I shall, I shall. 
 
 JFajit. There, sir. I'll — be — gone. 
 
 Pinck. The house, the house to pay. 
 
 Enter Drawer. 
 
 Draio. Twenty-two shillings, and y'are welcome, 
 gentlemen. 
 
 Drawf. Make it up five and twenty, and you two 
 shall cast dice which pays it. Are all })arties agreed? 
 I know our noble friend will not be backward. 
 
 [Exit Drav)er. 
 
 Taicn. Nor ours. Heroic spirit, wilt thou ] 
 
 Enter Drawer, with wine. 
 
 Draw. Here's more wine, gentlemen. 
 Town. About with it, about with it ! 
 
 [Exit Drawer. 
 Drawf. The dice, the dice ! [^hey throw. 
 
 Tra. Come, 'tis a good throw, coz. 
 Drawf. But that's better, sir. Your friend pays. 
 Wit. Hang him, he cheated ; he's a cheat ! 
 Want. Ne'er go not I, gentlemen. 
 Wit. You lie, you lie !
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 157 
 
 Pmck. How ! the lie ? Will you take that 1 
 
 IVant. How shall I help it, pray } 
 
 Tra. Well done, coz. 
 
 IFit. Hang him, he's but a country puppy calf. 
 
 Pinch. Ihrow a pot at's head. 
 
 JVant. I — shall — not — hit — him. If — I — do, 
 1 — am — no — more — puppy — than — yourself. 
 
 [Throws a pot. 
 
 Draicf. Why, that was well done. 
 
 int. I'll kick you, sirrah ! I iearn'd that of you, 
 coz. 
 
 Pi nek. Gallants, expect to hear from us, and 
 suddenly, 
 
 Drawf. A coach there ! 
 
 Wit. I hope, they — wait — not for us. Hah ! 
 
 Tra. What if they do ? Ave fear 'em not. Pay, pay ! 
 Boy, there's your reckoning. Call a coach, boy. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Scarefool. 
 
 Scaref. Ha ye wark for a Scot sawger, wha ha 
 bien aw tha wirld ore ons ten toes ; ser'd aw 
 religions, an can tha better be o eny. I ha kil'd 
 tha whar a Babilon, body an saw, brent aw her 
 rawlecks wi tha feer o zeal. I can carry twa feces 
 under won hood. I can be a sent, an I can be a 
 deil, gif ye ha wirk for me. I ha seen a powre 
 a riches in me dees, but ha broought noought heom 
 wi me bet St. Andra's Cross, want an poverty. 
 
 Enter Billy and Jocky. 
 
 Bil. A sir ! the bonny siller came a ]>ece, gif I 
 tol'd um a tale, they'd ga mickle heeds. Geod 
 feith. won pell ser'd a malades.
 
 158 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Joe. An whot pell wos thot, mon 1 
 
 Bil. The pell o sedition. 
 
 Joe. A ! ken you thot, mon ? Tha sam set tha 
 magistrat an's wife intoU fears an jealousies, turn'd 
 tha insid o tha kirk, mon, ooutwards, and noow's 
 aw gall ; tha ceteson gis as bitter. Tha leyer 
 cannot stond, he's brought sa weeke wy me purga- 
 tions; and tha curtier noot worth tha grond a goes 
 on. I ha let aw his geod as weel as he's bad 
 bleed oout. 
 
 Scar. Saw ye, gentlemen, gif ye ha a mind ta 
 bien saw'd ; ken ye me, sirs 1 
 
 Joe. How sud we ken thee, mon ? 
 
 Sear. Wha, noot Scarefool, your contremon 1 
 
 Bil. Whar hast bien, mon 1 
 
 Scar. Aw tha wirld ore, sirs ; an noow aw pieces 
 are wary o me. Ise cam ta Anglond toll seeke 
 wirke. 
 
 Joe. Here's wirke enoough gif ye bien wise ta 
 deele wy tha Anglish, mon. 
 
 Scar. Geod feith, Ise diet 'um thay wern ner sa 
 cheted. Show me toll 'um. Whar liew thay 1 
 
 Joe. In th' cety, and contre ta. Marry, bet cam 
 awey wy us, mon ; wees tack a drinck first, an 
 tawke mere on't. 
 
 Bil. Cam awey, Jo ; cam awey. [Exeunt. 
 
 Act IV. 
 
 Enter Soongull'd and his JFife Laymedown. 
 
 Soon. Down with this Babell-builder, this Court 
 pride ! 
 Dagon and his idolaters shall down. 
 
 Lay. Ay, down with 'em, husband ; down with
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 159 
 
 'em : they have stood long enough. I am sure 
 their long standing have made }ou come short 
 many a time and often ; but I hope now, husband, 
 you'll take 'em down a button-hole lower. 
 
 Soon. Am not I a man ? 
 
 Lay. You think so, husband, I warrant. 
 
 Soon. Why, a king's no more. 
 
 La\j. Nay, is he that, husband? Troth, I dare 
 say our man William is as good a man as the best 
 of you. For, as they say, a man is a man and he 
 has but a hose on's head. 
 
 Soon. Well, I am resolv'd ; William shall forth. 
 
 Lay. Forth ! How do you mean — forth 1 I hope 
 you will not leave me uniH'ovided at home. You 
 know your own business abroad, and I am certain 
 he can do your business at home better than your 
 self. Oh, husband, husband, here's the Scotch 
 doctor ! 
 
 Enter Jocky, Folly, Billy, and Scarefool. 
 
 Soon. Mr. Doctor 1 what news, Mr. Doctor % 
 
 Joe. Nen good, sir ; nen good, sir : bet me frond 
 ha had hes cass pul'd ore his lugs. 
 
 Soon. By whom 1 by whom ] 
 
 Fol. Wha ! wha bet tha prod prelates, sir. Ise 
 tolld 'um o tliair knavery, an thay gar tack awey 
 me brawery. Bet thoough thay ha tacken awey 
 me cot, thay sail ner tack awey me conscience ; 
 that's holl an sound, an ned nen o thair pachings o 
 thair preachments. 
 
 Lay. wicked, wicked children of darkness ! 
 
 Joe. Her's a frond o min, sir ; a mon o meight 
 an mettell, wha ha endured meny a brunt and 
 storine, he sail stond betwixt ye in aw harme. 
 
 Soon. I shall be glad of your acquaintance, sir.
 
 160 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Lay. True truly sir, you have a face like man. 
 You'll do the business, I warrant, let you alone. 
 But gently to the women, sir, for we are twigs, 
 and may be bow'd which way you list — mere tender 
 twigs, sir. 
 
 Scar. Bred, bet sam o ye bien toough enoough. 
 
 Lay. We are a long time indeed a bringing up, 
 but then we are soon cast down. Women have 
 tender hearts, and tender flesh, and tender con- 
 sciences, though naughty men report that we have 
 none. Husband, shall they walk into th' parlour ? 
 I do love to enter into dialogue with these gentle- 
 men, they talk so j^rettily. 
 
 Soon. Ay, with all my heart. 
 
 Lay. You will meet with, sir, fine plunder 'mong 
 the ladies. You shall dine with us too ; you may 
 make me amends with a Court smock. I look to 
 wear one in truth, they are so fine and so per- 
 fum'd, it passes. 
 
 Soon. Come, sir, we'll discourse of our affairs 
 after w'ave din'd. You'll dine with us too, gentle- 
 men] 
 
 Joe. Wees tack ye ot yar word. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Anything, and Boys following him. 
 
 Any. Nay, you may do't, sirs, you may do't ; 
 you have warrant for't. 'Tis well enough known, 
 the pomp of the prelates, the whore of Babylon 
 herself in her feathers, the kings of the earth 
 commit fornication with her pluralities of benefices, 
 makes men but idle, sales Mr. Doctor, and idleness 
 makes you fat, and fat makes you pursy, and so by 
 consequence short-winded. It is a trick of Rome 
 to starve our religion. Let Jezabell be brought 
 before the elders, and the whore of Babylon to the
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 161 
 
 whipping post; let her have lash upon lash; let 
 her smock be given to the rag-men, it may come 
 to be paper, and her condemnation writ in't ; let 
 the whelps and the cubs be brought to the stake, — 
 bait 'um, l)ait 'um, bait 'uni ! I am your warrant, 
 saith Mr. Doctor. 
 
 Boys. Master Doctor's an ass. 
 
 Any. Children, you talk not like men, you are 
 but middling Christians, — 'tis well known to the 
 parish — 
 
 Boys. That Bedlam 's fit for you. 
 
 Any. Those that will follow me, let 'um follow 
 me, — 
 
 I am for the truth, 
 
 And the Covenant in sooth. \Exit. 
 
 Boys. Hi, hi, hi ! Stow the Friar, stow the Friar ! 
 
 [They sing. 
 [Exeunt after him. 
 
 Enter Downfall and Wornout. 
 
 Down. You see what he has brought me to — my 
 crutches ! 
 I was e'er held an able man, you know, — 
 Had my tongue at command, and my head too, 
 But now they both are so enfeebled, I 
 Have scarce the use of either ; if I had. 
 It were all one. The country people are 
 Bewitcht into belief they have as much 
 Reason and law as I, and will ])ecome 
 Tlieir own solicitors, and counsel too. 
 I cannot last long, but expect still when 
 My crutches will deceive me, and I fall 
 To th' ground for ever. 
 
 Worn. I am brought to nothing 
 As well as you. I little thought a Scotchman 
 
 L
 
 162 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Could e'er have drain'd my veins and purse so dry. 
 I am not worth the ground I go on ; so 
 Dejected are my thoughts, my spirit lost, 
 And all the hopes of my recovery 
 Extinct and buried. 
 
 Down. I should not have known you, 
 Had you not told me who you were ; you are 
 So changed from yourself. Oh ! those were times 
 Worthy to call to mind — though to our grief — 
 When you and I, like twins, deriv'd a being 
 From one another's sustenance ; the monopolies 
 That you projected, and I perfected ! 
 Like two expert limners, — the one employ 'd 
 To fashion th' face, the other to finish it. 
 
 W(yrn. Ay, those were times indeed ; but all I got 
 Then has been since consumed, and I guess 
 You are not much the better. I am weary, 
 I protest, of my life, and would thank him 
 Would do me so much good as take it from me. 
 
 Down. Patience is the best remedy where no 
 Better can be obtain'd. 'Tis vain to crave 
 The thing we want when 'tis not to be had. 
 Your dancing days are done, and all the breath 
 The Scot has left me scarce will heat my fingers. 
 
 Worn. And my affliction does the more increase 
 To see my friends disabl'd, as I am. 
 From helping one another. 'Tis a grief 
 That's inexpressible, and not for cure. 
 
 Down. What Fortune sours, content must 
 sweeten. 
 He is the best man o'ercomes his misery. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Smallfaith and his Wife. 
 
 Small. For my part, I am but a man, and I owe
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 1G3 
 
 but a death ; let them take it, as tliey say they will ; 
 give 'um good on't. Let them come, let them come ! 
 Where are they ? Stand, stand, stand ! 
 
 Wife. Husband, now you talk of standing, pray 
 let me lye down, and then let 'em do their worst. 
 I defy 'em. 
 
 Snudl. And so do I. We'll to the terret,* woman, 
 and there we are secur'd 'gainst devil and pur- 
 sevant. 
 
 IVife. I'm weary'd off my legs with doing 
 nothing but running up and down in e'ry nook 
 and corner like a rat for fear of catching. 
 
 Small. They are coming, they are coming. Let 
 me come in, woman, let me come in ! 
 
 fFife. I would you would come in, husband, 
 once. You have been out long enough to small 
 purpose, I'm sure. [Exeunt 
 
 Enter Surehold and Eesolution. 
 
 Ees. Believe it, their design aims at our ruin; 
 And though the cord they make be somewhat finer 
 Than ordinary, 'twill choak us at the last. 
 I hold a naked freedom better far 
 Than an adorned i)rison. Golden fetters 
 And ii"on ones produce a like efiect ; 
 What differs them 's but curiosity. f 
 
 Sure. Into what a lethargy have these rabble 
 Scots 
 Betray'd the people's senses. Tell them on't 
 And they'll abuse you for't. Nay, though they see 
 Distraction brought unto their very doors, 
 
 • Terre tenant — terra tenens — is he who has the actual pos- 
 session of the land, which we otherwise call the occupation. 
 89 EUz. 7.— CowEL. Ed. 1708. 
 
 t "Qualities are so weigh'd, that curiosity in neitlier can 
 make choice of cither's moiety."— Shakksfkakkcj King Lear.
 
 164 THE SCOTCH FIGG ARIES. 
 
 They'll look on't, and not know it till they feel it, 
 And then will tamely kiss the rod that whipt 'em. 
 A nation proud and arrogant as the beggar, 
 That when h'as got a bonnet 'bove his Avearing, 
 Will scarce bow to the giver. All the service 
 They ever did this nation was to helj) 
 The people eat their victuals, and share their 
 fortunes. 
 
 Res. Th'are good for nought, but to eat, louze, 
 and sleep, 
 And stink a street up ; tell you stories of 
 Don John of Austria, the Mogul, great Cham, 
 Their valour at Madrid, Levant, or where 
 You will ; and this in some blind chimney comer. 
 In fume and smoke, rouz'd up with lanted ale, 
 'Till that their faces do resemble th' towns 
 They set on fire ; and yet dare not encounter 
 A rat or weasel. 
 
 Sure. Yet the world reports 
 Them men for siege the best, and can endure 
 The greatest hardship. 
 
 Res. Very true ; if they 
 May but lie still, they'll feed on one another 
 Rather than venture on their enemy 
 To get the least provision ; and, indeed. 
 The worst will serve their turn, for they are men 
 Loves anything but beating, yet they'll take 
 That too, if need be ; take 'em down a little, 
 And you may fillip dead a score of them. 
 It is a shame the English should become 
 Such mules to such base burdens. I'm resolv'd 
 To turn the chance o' th' die that favours them, 
 Though to the hazard of my being. 
 
 Sure. 'Twill 
 Be ta'en a piece of service fit for chronicle. 
 And you shall want no furtherance.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 1G5 
 
 Res. If I bring not 
 The soldier, doctors, and their crew of cheaters 
 As tamely to be hang'd as puppy dogs. 
 Let me receive no credit from you after. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Soongull'd and a Seminary Priest going to 
 weigh the Covenant loith the Pq?e's Bull. 
 
 Soon. Sir, though I hate your bulls and your 
 decoys, 
 And know you have two ends to all your ways, 
 I fear you not, for Truth will show herself 
 In spite of all the clouds you cast upon her. 
 
 Seni. You are in th' right. Truth Avill appear, 
 and that 
 To th' shame of your trim'd Covenant; for though 
 She be but plain, she is more glorious 
 Than all the gloss and colours that set forth 
 That new devise, created to deceive 
 Poor simple people, and at last yourselves. 
 
 Soan. These are but bandying. I'll pursue my 
 
 wager. 
 Sem. I'll venture ten pound more y'are lost in 
 
 weight. 
 Soon. You'll lose yourself, sir, with your con- 
 
 fiden(?e. 
 Sem. Bar treachery and I care not. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Trapheir, ^VITW^D, and Townshift. 
 
 int. I cannot endure this fighting, coz, a dad ! 
 Tra. Pox take your dad ! is that an oath for a 
 gentleman ?
 
 166 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 A lad at ten swears more profoundly. You'll 
 Be quarrelling, and then you dare not fight, 
 As though I were a wall of steel or brass 
 To stand betwixt you, and receive the darts 
 Cast at you. Sir, why did your cowship send 
 An answer to your challenge, if you found 
 Your blood so cool and phlegmatic 1 
 
 Wit. 'Twas your doing, — I had not had the 
 heart else. [Aside. 
 
 Town. For preservation of your honour, sir, 
 Could you do else than answer him 1 
 
 Wit. What was he 
 That brought the challenge ? 
 
 Town. Pinckcarcase by name. 
 
 Wit. A devilish name, and full of devilish ends. 
 This fighting is not lawful. Prethee, coz, 
 Take up the matter ; I have little maw to't. 
 
 Town. What ! now the hostage reputation 
 Is past, will you recant, reneage, revoke, 
 Eecoil, revert 1 Stand to your principles. 
 
 Wit. I shall not stand an inch of ground, believe 
 me. 
 
 Tra. 'Tis pity th'art worth any. Let me see, — 
 How shall we do't with honour 1 
 
 Wit. 'Tis no matter 
 For that thing honour ; let her walk alone, 
 I don't desire her company on such terms, 
 Sweet coz, sweet coz ! 
 
 Tra. Let me see, — I'm resolv'd 
 That you shall fight him. 
 
 Wit. Coz, I had forgot, 
 I swear, a strange infirmity, — that is, 
 I zound when as I hear a gun shot off. 
 And tremble at a pistol's ; all my senses 
 Become as useless. 
 
 Town. Why, 'twas your own motion.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 167 
 
 jnt. No matter, 'tis but so much cliarges lost. 
 I will not figlit with huUets ; I've more conscience. 
 
 Tra. Why, then, you must prepare a case of 
 rapiers 
 For Townshift and myself ; ours are grown dull 
 With often usage. 
 
 jnt. Oh, the better, coz ! 
 They'll do less mischief 
 
 Tra. Then your fencing master 
 Must make you at your chamber fit for tli' field. 
 
 jnt. That's past liis skill, I'm sure. More 
 charges, coz. 
 
 Tra. It cannot be avoided, if you mean 
 To fight on foot, and put off your horse combat. 
 
 JVif. In my mind 'tis horse-play to fight on foot. 
 But hark you, coz, don't you make winking at 
 That weapon ye call sharp ; I'm not so set. 
 
 Tra. Fye, winking ! no, how will you see to hit 
 himi 
 
 Wit. No matter, so he hit not me. But mayn't I 
 Bar points, being the challenged ] 
 
 Tra. That's base, and player-like. 
 
 IFit. I'd rather play so than work otherwise. 
 
 Town. Come, come, resolve ! you know the time 
 draws near. 
 
 Wit. I would it did not ; I love not to think on't. 
 Can we throw nothing in Time's way to make 
 Him stuml)le and stop a little 1 
 
 Tra. Resolve upon your weapon ere he be 
 Furnish'd with horse and pistols. 
 
 Tourn. I'll lay my life he's that already, then 
 'Twill be unworthy in you to 
 
 Wit. Good sir, talk not to me of worthies ! my 
 father was none of the nine. He ne'er kept com- 
 pany with your Hufts, nor puffs ; he could drink 
 in a tavern and ne'er quarrel about the reckoning.
 
 168 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 He lived without knocks, and died in the love of 
 his parish. 
 
 Tra. But he has left a quarrelsome son behind 
 Must pay for all. 
 
 Wit. I shan't stand much upon 
 That point, so I may be discharg'd from beatings. 
 Methinks a skin set out with eyelet holes 
 Appears not handsome, nor a face to be 
 Painted Avith black and blue ; I hate those colours. 
 
 Toivn. What will you give him shall take up the 
 business without loss to your honour 1 
 
 Wit. A man cannot lose 
 That which he never had. My father was 
 A man of bags, and might have been a knight 
 When knighthoods went a begging. 
 
 Town. But to the matter, 
 What say you to my proposition ] 
 
 Wit. Troth, 
 It sounds well. Let me see now what in conscience 
 You Avill demand 1 
 
 Toivn. But twenty pieces. 
 
 Wit. Sol 
 To save a man from beating, very good ! 
 How many such d'ye meet with in the year ? 
 
 Tmcn. Hundreds, hundreds, sir ! 
 
 Tra. Men must live, coz; men must live ! 
 
 Wit. Anywhere but on me, good coz ; but, sir, 
 Before my coz here, I'll give you ten. 
 
 Tra. Ten is too little in all conscience, coz. 
 
 Town. Consider, sir, the danger. 
 
 Wit. And the charge 
 Already I've been for horse and pistols. 
 But those I hope you will return me when 
 The peace is made. 
 
 Tra. Not one ; expect not one 1 
 Th'are forfeit goods to us lords of the soil.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 169 
 
 Toion. 'Tis true y'ave been at cliarges, and for 
 that 
 Reason I'll undertake it at your rate ; 
 Forbid but I should bear a conscience too. 
 Meet us at th' Mermaid ! 
 
 Tra. At the hour of twelve. 
 
 Toivn. The precise time. 
 
 Tra. Cozen, he will deserve it. 
 
 mt. Would I had his art 
 To live by when I and my fortunes part. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Wantwit, Drawforth, and 
 
 PiNCKCARCASE. 
 
 Fmck. He is the challenged, and justly may 
 Design the way of fighting, and the place. 
 But though you have provided us with horses, 
 Swords, pistols, and so forth, yet there's a thing 
 Call'd money we do want ; put case he should 
 Fall by your hand, in what a case were we ! 
 
 Brawf. Suppose that you should fall ! 
 Ay, there's the danger. 
 
 Finck. We must fly for't, and that we cannot do 
 Conveniently without a sum ; the oratory 
 Of silver makes our passage free and safe, 
 The want of it detains us. Open, open 
 Your close-mouth'd bags, and let them speak to us. 
 
 fFant. Troth, gentlemen, I'll tell you, and I lie 
 not, 
 Th'ave got a hoarseness since they came to town. 
 And speak so low, a man can hardly hear 'em. 
 
 Pinck. One mortgage, sir, will raise their voice 
 again. 
 
 JFaiit. Well, well, he might have ta'eu another 
 way
 
 170 THE SCOTCH FIGG ARIES. 
 
 To work. Had I been he, and he been me, 
 I would have askt him mercy. 
 
 Dravjf. But, you see. 
 He is a man of spirit — spirit, sir ! 
 
 IFant. I would he had no more than I : a gnat 
 Is better furnisht. I have heard my mother 
 Protest, and solemnly, I had a heart 
 No bigger than a hazel nut. 
 
 Pinck. ^VTiy, saw she't ? 
 
 Want. No, but she felt it. 'Tis an imperfection 
 In nature I can't help, and 'tis as cold, 
 I warrant, as a cucumber. 
 
 Ih-aiof. And riseth 
 So little in your stomach ! 
 
 JVant. Troth, as little 
 As may be, sir. How shall I heat it, gentlemen 1 
 
 Draivf. Drink wine and drab. 
 
 Want. Wliy, so I do, you know. 
 Yet, when the flame of drinking's o'er, I fall 
 Into the noose of taverns, like a pigeon. 
 
 Pinch. Only then y'ad best fight when y'are 
 drunk. 
 
 Want. And so 
 Be hang'd when I am sober. No, I bear 
 Too great a conscience. 
 
 Brawf. If it be a burthen 
 Too hard to bear, we'll teach you how to throw 
 It off", and live as we do without any. 
 
 Want. Take up this quarrel, gentlemen, and 
 have 
 My heart for ever. 
 
 Pinck. Wliat to do 1 to throw 
 The hounds ye starve % Yet that's so little, 'twill 
 Not be a mouthful. 'Tis your money we 
 Value the most, let your heart go as't came. 
 
 Want, ^\^ly, I shall mortgage next week.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIE.S. 171 
 
 Pinch. Are you serious 1 
 May we give credit to you 1 
 
 irant. I've occasion. 
 
 Dran-f. Thou shalt have more rather than want. 
 My bully, 
 We are thy guardians ! Who assaults our ward 
 Suffers, unless he be on a sure guard. [^Exeunt. 
 
 Act v. 
 Enter Jocky and Billy. 
 
 BIL Bred, tlios Anglish ar deeles ; w'are aw lost 
 men. Aw oour knavery is oout, nen wull tack 
 oour parts. Tha cetesons hong thare beds doown 
 lick bullrushes, an won noot bien sen for us. 
 
 Joe. Hoow cam thay, in tha deele's nam, sa aw o 
 won mind? Ise sur Lse ded whot Ise cud toll 
 mack 'uni bet on oder ta deeth. Tha deele feere 
 'um ; thar lick serpans, that gif ye smit 'um asunder, 
 '•mil join agen. 
 
 Enter Scarefool, ivith his sword draim. 
 
 Scar. Ware aw lost ! sheft, sheft, tha deel's a 
 comming toll tare tha Covnant. Sha yeer beeles, 
 sha yeer beeles ; spang awey, sirs, spang awey ! 
 
 \E.rit running. 
 
 Joe. On's, gif tha men o war flee, whar sail we 
 bid our sells 1 Aw sir, sir ! 
 
 Enter Resolution, uith two or three. 
 
 Res. Take them into your custody ! they are 
 Your lawful prize. [Exit.
 
 172 THE SCOTCH FIGG ARIES. 
 
 Bil. A sirs ! a sirs ! geod feith wees ment ne bad. 
 
 1 Soul. What, Mr. Doctors ! have we found ye ] 
 Who can cure the citizen of his headache but the 
 Scotch doctors 1 who their wives of the toothache 
 but the Scotch doctors 1 The Scotch doctor is all 
 in all. The kirk will take no physic but of the 
 Scotch doctor ; the country will be cheated by 
 none but by the Scotch doctor ; the Court and 
 gentry will he beggar'd by none but the beggarly 
 Scotch doctors. Come away and be hang'd ! 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Joe. Bil. Mercy, sirs ! mercy, mercy, mercy ! 
 
 Enter Scarefool running, with his sword draivn. 
 
 Scar. Hawd — hawd — hawd, sir ! [He trembles. 
 
 Ees. Nay, I don't intend 
 To take th' advantage of you as I may ; 
 I owe a greater honour to true valour. 
 I have heard nobly of your countrymen, 
 And therefore to assure myself report 
 Lies not, I have expos'd my person to 
 This single hazard. [He trembles. 
 
 Scar. A, sir ! I dee leov you. 
 
 Res. And I shall love you too, if that I find 
 You prove as gallant as y'ave spoke yourself. 
 Consider what dependances are on you. 
 Whom y'ave involv'd by your large promises 
 To this engagement. Let them see you dare 
 Do something for their money. 
 
 Scar. Be me saw, sir, 
 Y'are a mickle gallant mon ; Ise thra me swerd an 
 hert at your non feet, sir. 
 
 Ees. That's base, not soldierlike. Submissive- 
 ness
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 173 
 
 In this case speaks j^ou coward, and if so, 
 My l)reath has been ill spent. What ! will you 
 fight ? 
 Scar. Noot a neust ye, sir ; geod feith I leove a 
 Anglishmon wy aw my heit. A sir ! a sir ! send 
 aw reight, send aw reight. Her, tack me weppon ! 
 Ise your non prisoner, sir, geod feith. 
 
 \_He offers his sword. 
 Res. Since thou art so base, 
 And not fit for a noble treaty, take 
 This, this, and this. [Kicks him. 
 
 Scar. A, geod sir, use me like a gentleman ! 
 Res. A gentleman ! a swineherd, hang ye, — go ! 
 
 [Kicks him. 
 The bubble's broke the wind gave being to. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 Within. 
 Y'are welcome, gentlemen ; show a room there, 
 boy ! 
 
 Enter Trapheir, Witwtjd, Townshift, ami 
 Drawer. 
 
 Tra. Sirrah, there will some gentlemen ask 
 for us, 
 Direct 'em liither ! 
 
 Draw. I shall, sir. AMiat's your wine 1 
 Town. Sack, boy, the quickening sack ; and such 
 tobacco 
 As may inspire a spirit into clay ; 
 Quick, and as sharp as lightning ! 
 
 Wit. Oh ! good sir, 
 I can't endure to think upon a storm. 
 Talk not of lightning, it does bode some quarrel- 
 in ^ ■
 
 174 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 The calmest language is the best when there's 
 A peace intended. 
 
 Enter Drawforth, Pinckcarcase, Wantwit, 
 and Drawer with wine. 
 
 Tra. Here they come ! Now, coz, 
 For your honour seem somewhat averse 
 To an agreement ; carry yourself stoutly, 
 "With an unalter'd countenance. 
 
 mt. 'Tis not in 
 The power of human frailty. 
 
 Tra. Gallants, welcome ! 
 Y'are men, I see, for credit. 
 fFant. What must I say ] 
 Draicf. Carry yourself manly. 
 Want. What would I give now for an inch of 
 manhood ! 
 How he does eye me ! would I had a look 
 
 [Draw/., Tra., Town., and Pinch, whisper. 
 But half so piercing, I'd encounter then 
 With basilisks. It carries daggers in't 
 Will penetrate a coat of mail. There is 
 
 [JVitwud and Wantivit stare at one another. 
 No safety but in distance. 
 
 Wit. How he looks at me ! 
 With such a hungry countenance, as though 
 He meant to satisfy himself upon me. 
 But if he knew but what a piece of flesh 
 He had to deal with, he'd not be so greedy. 
 I was not cut out for a royster ; sure 
 Nature ne'er meant me for the field, unless 
 To call my cattle home, or try my hounds. 
 I am so great an enemy to a sword, 
 I wear none when I ride. Oh ! how yon fellow
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 175 
 
 Would spurn me, like a inushrome, could he get 
 Me but alone ! But he shall be hang'd tirst. 
 
 Tra. What ! all this Avhile and speak not to each 
 other ? 
 Why, you have hearts of oak ! Not bow, dear 
 coz ? 
 
 fFit. I cannot help it. 
 
 Town. Come, we must have you friends. 
 
 fFant. With all my heart, sir. 
 
 int. How's this ] The man's bewitcht. 
 See what the gold can do ! 
 
 frcmi. If you please, sir, I am your humble 
 servant. 
 
 Tra. And what say you, coz 1 
 
 IVit. Hum, I smelt, 'tis so ; 
 The fellow is a coward, on my life. 
 Are they not all so % 'Tis a blessing, then. 
 
 Drawf. Come, sir, our friend is willing to pass 
 by 
 All the affronts you gave him, if you'll waive 
 His challenge. 
 
 Wit. I'll wave nothing but my sword 
 Against my enemy. 
 
 Town. Shall we be friends 1 
 
 JVit. A friendly blood runs not yet current 
 in me. 
 Be challenged by a dunghill cock ? I scorn it. 
 
 Tra. Why, this is rare ! Coz, I'll spit in thy 
 mouth. 
 
 Pinck. Sir, 'tis your friend's desire, as well as 
 ours, 
 To prevent bloodshed. 
 
 Wit. Let such things as you. 
 That dare not waste their blood, be sparing on't. 
 For my part, I'll not value if he tap 
 From me a pailful.
 
 17G THE SCOTCH FIGG ARIES. 
 
 Tra. Who the devil conjur'd 
 Up such a spirit in him 1 
 
 Pinch Your friend's grown ! 
 Take him down, or by this light 
 I'll kick him. 
 
 Tra. Pough ! let me alone for that. 
 
 Want. The gentleman grows angry. I'll be gone ! 
 
 [To Dratvforth. 
 
 Draivf. Hang him, a coward ! a mere coward, 
 friend. 
 
 Want. How, a coward ! he speaks not like one. 
 I would his hands were tied behind him, I 
 Would make a trial on't. But he has teeth 
 Strong as the tusks of boars, and legs more stiff 
 And big than any bedpost. I should do 
 No good upon him. 
 
 Tra. Come, coz, throw 
 Your ranting habit off ; the scene of war 
 Is past, and now put on your robe of amity, 
 The bride-garment of peace. 
 
 Wit. Peace ! who shall peace 1 
 'Tis sauciness to tell me so. 
 
 Tra. How's tliis, 
 You worm ? 'Slight, if I lay my hands 
 Upon you once, I'll tear you into nothing, 
 
 You cowardly simple puppy. Sirra, I'll 
 
 [He takes him by the shoulder. 
 
 Wit. Not so loud, good coz ; 
 You know I have but follow'd your directions. 
 
 Tra. Be hang'd ! and overdone it, han't you, 
 sin-ah 1 
 The gentlemen shall know you have not spirit 
 To look a cat in th' face, if that you ben't 
 More sociable. 
 
 Wit. Good cozen, I'll do anything.
 
 THK SCOTCH FIGGAKIES. 177 
 
 Tia. Wfll, 1 li;ive 1tr(>iii;lit him to't with iiuirli 
 ado : 
 [Takes Want, hy the hand ami hrinrjs him to Wit. 
 Here, shake hands, sir, you must be friends. 
 
 Hit. Well, it" I nmst, I must ; patience is a 
 virtue, 
 And I'll embrace it : 1 am your friend, sir. 
 IFant. I shall never be your foe. sir. 
 Wit. So said, and so dont-, sir, will do well. 
 Tra. The rascal act« it handsomely. 
 Finck. To your credit. 
 Ours is the silliest rogue. 
 Drawf. Ijoy, more wine ! 
 
 Enter Drawer. 
 
 Would we had music here to celebrate 
 This nuptial ! 
 
 Drair. I wall send for some. 
 
 Tra. Do so. Come, here's to the nuirried couple ! 
 
 Wit. I do believe we both can get a boy 
 Will ]»rove a soldier. 
 
 Enter Fiddlers. 
 
 Finck. All, sirrah I are you there '? 
 Fid. I am your own man, sir. 
 Finck. Let's have a good air ; Init drink first. 
 Iftirn. Drink about, gallants, — what ! the music 
 dulls you i 
 Hast e'er a new song, fellow t 
 
 Fid. Yes, of the Scots comizig into England. 
 Tra. That, that by all nu-ans. 
 Fid. Please you to hear me ; 'tis but a ballad 
 put to 
 One of their oMn tuiu's. 
 
 M
 
 178 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Pinck. The better, the better ; let's heart. 
 
 Sony. 
 
 Cam lend, lend y'ar lugs, Joes, an Ise speek a song; 
 
 Sing heom agen, Jocky; sing heom agen, Jocky. 
 lies bonny deeds, an hes prowes emong ; 
 
 Sing heom agen, heom agen, valent Jocky ! 
 
 Sirs, Jocky's a mon held o mickle note ; 
 
 Sing heom agen, Jocky, etc. 
 Tha breech o tha Covnant stuck in hes throte ; 
 
 Sing heom agen, heom agen, dc. 
 
 For Jocky vves riteous, whilk ye wad admire ; 
 
 Sing heom agen, etc. 
 He fooght for the Kirke, bet a plunder'd tha quire ; 
 
 Sing heom agen, heom agen, etc. 
 
 An Jocky waxt roth, an toll Anglond a cam ; 
 
 Sing heom agen, etc. 
 Fro whance he'd return, bet alack a is lam ; 
 
 Sing heom agen, etc. 
 
 An Jocky wes armed fro top toll toe ; 
 
 Sing heom agen, etc. 
 Wi a poowre o men, an thare geod Deuke, I tro ; 
 
 Sing heom agen, etc. 
 
 Sa valent I wis thay wer, an sa prat ; 
 
 Sing heom agen, etc. 
 Ne cock nor hen durst stond in their gat ; 
 
 Sing heom agen, etc. 
 
 In every streete thay ded so flutter ; 
 
 Sing heom agen, etc. 
 Ne cliild dorst shaw lies bred an butter ; 
 
 Sing heom agen, etc.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIOGARIES. 179 
 
 Noow, whan oour ferces tliay herd on o'er niirht ; 
 
 Sing licom agon, etc. 
 Next morne they harnest themsels for a fight ; 
 
 Sing heom agen, etc. 
 
 Thare Deuke was tha mon that wad be sen stoote ; 
 
 Sing licora agen, etc. 
 He fecct us a wliile, stret twurn'd arss al)oot ; 
 
 Sing lieom agen, etc. 
 
 Our mon that ater these valent Scot went ; 
 
 Sing heom agen, etc. 
 Had ner fond him oout bet by a strong scent ; 
 
 Sing heom agen, heom agen, valent Jocky ! 
 
 Tra. Ha, ha, ha ! it's good enough for the subject. 
 Enter Drawer. 
 
 Pinck. Drink about, drink about ! More wine, 
 
 boy! 
 Here, Witwud, to thee. 
 
 Toicn. Let's discharge the music. 
 
 int. With all my heart. 
 
 Tmrn. There, ye rascals. 
 
 Fid. Thank you, gentlemen. [Exeunt Fiddlers. 
 
 Draicf. Trupheir, to thee. 
 
 Tra. Let it come ; a pint and thou dar'st. 
 
 Pinck. Art mad ? Trapheir is drunk enough ; 
 
 he'll be 
 Not company for a dog immediately. 
 Tra. To your Mightiness, sir. 
 Pinck. I shall i»]edge your llighno^js, sir — to 
 
 you, sir. 
 JFit. Excuse me, pray, sir ; 1 am almost spent. 
 Pinch. Not pledge me !
 
 180 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 Tid. No, he shall not pledge you, sii'. 
 What then 1 he is my friend. 
 Pinck. But why should he 
 Be more excus'd than ours % Will you drink for 
 him ? 
 Tni. Not neither, sir. 
 Pinch Then he shall pledge me, sir, 
 Tra. He shall not, sir. 
 Town. Nay, Trapheir ; what dost mean 1 
 
 [Pinck. throws the ])ot at him. 
 Tra. Hang him, turd — Are you good at that, 
 sir 1. 
 I shall return you answer by this messenger. 
 
 [Draws. 
 Wit. Good coz, no fighting ; I will drink a gallon 
 Rather than lose one drop of blood. It is 
 Too precious for the floor to drink. 
 
 Enter Drawer. 
 
 Draw. Gentlemen, your noise has drawn soldiers 
 into the house ; th'are coming up. As many as can, 
 get into that little closet ! 
 
 Pinck. I would not be in custody for a million. 
 
 The rode, the rode 
 
 [Tra., Pinch., Town., ami Draw/, get in. 
 
 Draw/. That's all our faults : in, in ! 
 
 Wit. Where shall we be 1 
 
 Enter Soldiers. 
 
 Sol. Where's all these Huffs 1 What ! you two 
 make this noise ! hurl pots, break glasses % You 
 are youths indeed ! Is this a time of night for you 
 to rant in ? Come, you must with us. 
 
 Want. Nay, good gentlemen. [Exeunt.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 181 
 
 Enter Drawer. 
 
 Draw. Gentlemen, you may come forth ; the 
 coast is clear. 
 
 Tra. Where's tlie two gentlemen 1 
 Draw. They have ta'en 'em with 'em. 
 Pifick. Did they pay the reckoning ? 
 Draw. No, sir. 
 
 Tra. A pox upon you ! why did you not ask 
 'em for'tl 
 
 Draw. I durst not, sir, for fear they should say 
 the rest of their company was above. 
 
 Pinck. 'Tis right, — the devil's on't ! This was 
 your doing, Trapheir; 
 Will you pay the reckoning now 1 
 
 'Ira. Not a penny ; I'll keep unto my oath. 
 Throw who shall dip, or pay if you will. 
 
 [Tou-nshift throws. 
 Piruk. Here's dice — throw. Twelve, hang ye, 
 rascal ! [Pinck. throws. 
 
 Now, my chance — 'tis passable. Throw. 
 
 [Drawf. throws. 
 Drawf. Mine is the worst. 
 Tra. But mine's the worst of all. Sirrah, boy, 
 will you take this cloak for your reckoning 1 
 Draw. I know not, sir, whether I shall or not. 
 Tra. You shall not, sir, now, you know, as long 
 as such spankers last. What's to pay ? 
 
 [SJwws his money. 
 Draw. But thirty shillings, sir. 
 Tra. Death ! but thirty, sayest thou ? Well 
 there 'tis ! 
 I shall be even with somebody. 
 
 Town. Why, this was handsome, Trapheir. 
 
 [Exeimi.
 
 182 THE SCOTCH FIGGAFJES. 
 
 Enter two or three Servitors. 
 
 Ser. Make room for the magistrates ! 
 The prisoners 
 
 Enter Domuch, Surehold, Eesolution, Scare- 
 fool, JocKY, Billy, Smallfaith aTid, his 
 Wife, Soongull'd and his Wife, Anything, 
 Downfall, Wornout, Seminary, Publique 
 Notary. 
 
 There 
 
 Do. Which are the prisoners 1 
 
 Res. These, sir. 
 
 Joe, Bit. Mercy, mercy, Master Judge ! 
 
 Sure. AVhat are those 1 
 
 lies. The subjects on the which these villains 
 practis'd their subtleties and deceits. First, I shall 
 tender my charge against 'em, then produce my 
 evidence. 
 
 Do. Very well, very well ! Proceed. 
 
 Res. In brief, sir, then, they have infected most 
 Part of this nation. Here's a thing, 
 A man of reputation once, and bore 
 
 [Pointing to Small. 
 A place amongst you. 
 
 Sure. I do pity him. 
 
 Res. And now is fit for no place except Bedlam. 
 Here is another; a man, you would think, 
 
 [7'o Amjtking. 
 The devil could not work upon, and yet 
 These Scotch ones have. The lawyer — father of 
 Contrivances — is noos'd in one himself : 
 He cannot stand without his crutches, and
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 183 
 
 liis lifatl's so light, his nose is every minute 
 lieatly to touch tlie ground. 
 
 Sure. What is that gentleman 1 [To Jf'ornoui. 
 
 lies. Do you conceive him one? have they left 
 aught 
 Upon him like a creature] may we swear 
 He is a perfect man, no ghost 1 'tis hard. 
 The hurryings he lias had with sleepless eyes, 
 Continual purgations, bleedings, what not. 
 That they could but invent to bring him low. 
 He's all left of a courtier, and deserves 
 Your pity. There's no double doors betwixt 
 His heart now and your eyes ; he's so transparent 
 You may see through him. 'Tis not these alone 
 Th'ave brought to this, but all the country peo})le, 
 Both common sort and gentry. 
 
 Do. What say you for yourselvc^s 1 
 
 Joe, Bil. Mercy, mercy, mercy ! wees leove tha 
 Auglish mickle weel. 
 
 Sure. Yes, it appears so. We'll requite your loves, 
 But cannot say with your own coin, because 
 You never were worth any ; but we'll find 
 A way to pay you home. 
 
 Res. When they had thus 
 Spread their infection, tliey began to think 
 Their safety would not last without the soldier ; 
 And to that end and purpose do persuade 
 The giddy people, which they had before 
 Di.stemj)<'r'd with their ])()isons, to receive 
 This man of featlu-r as their grand I'rotector ; 
 They take him, and to Covenant they go. 
 Two hundred thousand pounds — a sum would 
 
 huy 
 Their Kingdom ! — must be raised and paid to them. 
 
 Do. Very fine ! 
 
 lies. But mark, sir, the event !
 
 184 THE SCOTCH FIGGARIES. 
 
 T am resolv'd to open what they did 
 For all this money. 
 
 Do. 'Twill do well, indeed. 
 
 Res. They gave a piece of paper, in the which 
 Were strange things promis'd then, as if that all 
 The courage of the world contracted were 
 In their, and but their, nation. 
 
 Sure. And what found you 1 
 
 lies. I now proceed to that. 1 found them, sir, 
 Like bulirushes, that tremble if the wind 
 But blow on them ; they run and tumbl'd o'er 
 The necks of one another, like to tiles 
 A storm forces from houses' tops. This anything 
 But man, who own'd the name of their Protector, 
 In the most abject'st manner, and beneath 
 The spirit of a man, threw at my feet 
 His sword, and himself too, on simple terms, 
 Without a stroke. Scarefool they call him, and 
 They must be citizens or none that fear him. 
 A rat shall make him run to his own country ! 
 
 Scare. Ise a gentleman, sir, mind ye me ; Ise 
 gang toll me non contre wy aw me hert, gif you 
 wuU. 
 
 Sure. Not in such haste, sir ; we'll reserve you 
 for 
 Another purpose. Take him hence to prison. 
 
 Scare. The faw deel tier thot tong. 
 
 \He is carried ofi. 
 
 Res. What think you, sir, that paper costs so much 
 Is worth in weight] Here's one will tell you, sir. 
 
 Pub. No. I am a publique notary by profession, 
 And dare speak nothing but the truth ; the wager 
 Past on this gentleman's side, the Pope's Bull 
 
 weighed 
 It down by much, the other was not worth 
 In weight a penny loaf.
 
 THE SCOTCH FIGGAIlIES. 185 
 
 Omnes. Ha, li.i, lia ! 
 
 Sure. But wliat make you here, sir I 
 
 Srjfi. Not to liarui, sir. 
 
 Do. Stay not liere upon 
 Your peril, sir ; your Bulls have too long tails. 
 
 »SV///. I stay hut for a wind, sir. 
 
 [Exit Seminary. 
 
 Soan. I must confess we have been much (lelude<l. 
 A- Cheated, and cozen'd hy these perjur'd Scots, 
 
 Under the sliow of zeal and honesty. 
 
 Laij. Hang 'em, rogues ! they com])lain they are 
 ])illaged. You made them not hare enough, sirs ; 
 you should have taken their skins off too, they 
 would have made monsters of us. But truly my 
 husband is a natural man, and I am liis own wife. 
 I hope you do not think we are otherwise than we 
 should be. 
 
 Mrs. Small. I have a husband here too. Help 
 his head, he was a man once, and I was a woman, 
 as this gentleman the courtier knew well enough ; 
 but now T am nobody, thank you, jiick-purses ! 
 Pray spare 'em not ! I'm sure they would not 
 spare me when time Avas, do what T coidd. 
 
 Sure. Take them hence ! There will be order 
 shortly 
 To pack them to some foreign parts ; they are 
 But caterpillars, and what ])lace soe'er 
 They come at will be the worse for't. Take them 
 hence ! 
 
 Joe, Bil. A mercy, mercy, mercy ! 
 
 [Exeunt Scots. 
 
 O-mnes. You have done justice ! 
 
 Sure. Y'ave seen these Scots dissected, gentle- 
 men. 
 And what d'^'ou find them now to be but 
 rascals ?
 
 186 THE SCOTCH FIGGAKIES. 
 
 Mere mountel)anks, that have, instead of cure, 
 Bred strange diseases and distempers 'mongst 
 
 you ! 
 Jugglers, that looked you in the face, and told 
 You a fine tale, to keep your senses busy, 
 While they did pick your pockets ! 
 
 Lay. Our pockets, 
 Say you, sir 1 Ay, and something else too, could 
 They have come at it ; but soft, soft, two words to 
 a bargain. 
 
 Sure. Master Smallfjiith, Ave shall do what lies 
 in us. 
 Upon your recantation, to bring 
 You into favour with the Commonwealth, 
 And seat you as before, as capable 
 Of her preferment. 
 
 Small. I thank you. 
 
 His Wife. Blessing on your hearts ! 
 
 Sure. We make the same profession, sir, to you, 
 On the like terms. You may do much 
 Upon the giddy people by th' example 
 Of your own reformation. 
 
 Any. Sir, I shall 
 Do what befits an honest man, abus'd, 
 And servant to the Commonwealth. 
 
 Do. And you, sir, 
 Are not exempted here the benefit 
 Of favour, if you will take hold of it. 
 
 Soon. I thank you. 
 
 Lay. Ay, and hold it ffist, liusband ! Had I a 
 good thing to handle, I'd make much on't a long 
 time, I warrant you ! 
 
 Sure. As for these gentlemen here, Master 
 Downfall 
 And Mjister Wornout, we shall do our best 
 To set the one upon his legs again,
 
 THE SCJOTCH FICKiAKIKS. 187 
 
 And restore the otlicr, tliini;^li not to his full 
 Ability, yet to ;i health conteiitahh^ 
 Ihmi., irorn. We are your servants. 
 Sure. When all our uiinds and licarts are fairly 
 knit. 
 Lot the Scot do liis worst, tiy swdiil i>v wit ! 
 
 [Exeunt.
 
 THE RUMP: 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE MlKKOUli OF THE LATE TJMKS.
 
 The Ramq): or, Tli- Mlrronr of the Late Thiirs. A vnr 
 (!oiii('<hj, wr'tttp)! hy J. Tathdin, Gent. Adi'd iikiiii/ tiiuffi 
 iritli (jreat applaasc at the Prirntc Jfoiisp in Dorxct Court. 
 London, printed by W. Godhid for It. Blooine. 1660. 
 
 Ibid. The second impre.'<xion, nev:Iy corrected, vifh nd<(i- 
 tions. London, jirhifcd hii W. Godhid for /*. Hinnm-. 
 1661.
 
 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 
 
 In the First Edition of this curious drama the 
 names of the principal performers differ from tliose 
 assigned to them in the second one. Thus Bertlam 
 stands for Lambert, Woodfieet forFleetwood, Stone- 
 ware for Wareston, and Lockwhite for Whitelock. 
 Why tliis original attempt at mystification was 
 attempted is not very intelligible, unless it was 
 that the author was doubtful how far he was safe 
 in bringing the mighty lords of the Commonwealth 
 personally before the citizens of London. Monk's 
 arrival in London, and his extinguishing the 
 Rump, speedily removed all difficulty on this 
 head. 
 
 The following Dedication occurs after the Title- 
 page of the Second Edition : — 
 
 To my deservedly Honoured Friend, Walter 
 James, of Ranuien House, in Smarden, in 
 the County of Kent, Esquire. 
 
 Sir, 
 
 As you were pleased to honour me 
 with your acquaintance and friendship, — a hard
 
 192 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 
 
 thing in those iron dai/s, — so your merit and favours 
 obliged me to this duty. You liad the sight of 
 the brat in its swaddling clouts — my loose papers 
 — ere it was fully shaped for the stage. Yet 
 through that obscurity you were pleased to dis- 
 cover something of hope, that it might live and 
 prosper ; and fr-om thence I derived an encourage- 
 ment to cherish the youngling till it was fit for 
 service, and then turned her oft" to shift for herself. 
 How she hath pleased is not for me to boast — 
 only I may say this, that those to whom she hath 
 relation wish they had her again, and would make 
 more of her ; for though her name may seem to 
 blemish her, I will assure you she carries no obscene 
 pot about her. Transferred to other hands she 
 became a traveller — for which I am to beg your 
 pardon, in that she went without your license, 
 and indeed my privity. But being now upon a 
 second adventure, and somewhat mended in her 
 apparel,! present her to you for your letters of 
 credence ; which granted, trebly binds me. 
 
 Sii;, 
 Your most aff'ectionate Friend and faithful 
 
 Servant, 
 
 J. TATHAivr.
 
 INTKODUCTORY NOTICE. 193 
 
 The absence of any Dedication to the First 
 Kdition shows that the author did not venture 
 to compromise his patron unless his comedy suc- 
 ceeded. 
 
 The Argument of the Play. 
 
 Fleetwood is fool'd by Lambert to consent 
 
 To til' pulling out of the Rump Parliament ; 
 Which done, another Government they frame 
 In Emijryo, that wants Matter for a name. 
 In brief, by force, FoOLS sui)plant crafty men, 
 The bauble exits, enter Knaves agen. 
 
 J. T. 
 
 N
 
 lU-t INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 
 
 Lambert, 
 Fleetwood, 
 
 DRAMATIS rERSON.E. 
 
 ■ ■ ■ [• Competitors for tin; Protectorship. 
 
 WAT^TTCTnivr i^ Scotch Laird, President of the 
 
 ^^^^^^^^^ I Committee. 
 
 Desbkough,* . . .\ 
 
 HusoN,+ I Colonels, and of the savie Com- 
 
 CoBBET,t i miftee. 
 
 DUCKINFIELII,^ . . . ) 
 
 Lady Lambert, . . Wife to Lord Lambert. 
 
 Mrs. Cromwell, . . Oliver's Widow. 
 
 Lady Fleetwood. 
 
 Prlssilla, .... Woman to Lady Lambert. 
 
 Trotter, II .... Secretary to Lord Lambert. 
 
 1 Trotter. 2 A Frenchman. 
 4 Prentices. 4 Soldiers. 
 
 2 Clerks and 2 Doorkeepers to the Committee. 
 
 * John Desborough, oi- Desborogli, was the brother-in-law 
 of Cromwell, whose sister he married, and who wished him to 
 sit as one of the judges at the King's trial. This, however, he 
 declined to do. His first wife predeceased him, whereupon he 
 took a second one in the beginning of April 1658. Granger 
 says "he was clownish in his manners, and boisterous in his 
 behaviour." He is supposed by Noble to have survived the 
 Revolution. See Lives of the English Regicides, vol. i. p. 178. 
 London, 1798. 8vo. 
 
 f Hewson, originally a shoemaker, rose to high rank as 
 a commander under Cromwell, who placed him as a peer in 
 his Upper House. He had the good fortiine to escape to the 
 Continent at the Restoration, where he died. 
 
 X Miles Corbet, or Cobbet, was a lawyer and clerk of the 
 Court of Wards in 1(>44. He was a regicide, and was beheaded 
 at Tyburn in 1(J62, his bead placed on London Bridge, and his 
 quarters over the city gates. The latter part of the sentence 
 is conjectured not to have been carried out in consequence 
 of the loyalty of his relations. 
 
 § Robert Duckenfield was proprietor of a good estate in 
 Cheshire, where he was a great supporter of what was called 
 the popular party. He was deputed to sit on the trial of the 
 King, but had the good sense to decline the appointment. His 
 son Robert, who succeeded him, was made a Baronet by 
 Charles ii.. June 16, 16(15. 
 
 II Probably intended for Secretary Thurlow.
 
 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 10") 
 
 In both editions of the play the following Pro- 
 logue comes after the names of the performers : — 
 
 The author, not distrusting of his play, 
 
 Leaves custom's road, and walks another way. 
 
 pjxpect not here, language throe stories high : 
 
 Star-tearing strains tit not a comedy. 
 
 Here's no elaborate scenes, for he confesses 
 
 He took no pains in't. Truth doth need no dresses, 
 
 Xo a7norous puling passions ; here the lord 
 
 And lady rather differ than accord. 
 
 What can be in't, you'll say, if none of these 1 
 
 Tt is all one; he's sure the thing will please 
 
 The truly Loyal Party ; but what then ? * 
 
 Why, truly he thinks them the betterf men. 
 
 But if ill's progress he does chance to hit 
 I lab-nab on something that may sound like wit, 
 Pray take no notice on't ; for if you do. 
 You'll spoil the poet, and the players too ; 
 They will grow proud upon't ; and in the street, 
 Instead of cringing, nod to those they meet. 
 Yet, now I think on't, 'twill not be amiss. 
 We'd rather have your Plaudit than your Hiss; 
 And promise faithfully we will endeavour, 
 If you do favour this, to please you ever. 
 
 • The Loyal-hearted rarfy; and what then? Second edition, 
 ■f Wiser.
 
 196 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 
 
 Geneste, in his account of the English stage, lias stated 
 inaccurately that the Hump was first acted after the 
 Restoration. Such was certainly not the case, as it must 
 have been placed before the public Avhen Monk dethroned 
 the Rump. It had been hastily put together by the author 
 to try the effect it would have upon the metropolitans in 
 regard to the Puritanical autocrats, whose rule was becoming 
 more and more unpopular every day. The failure of the 
 Kumpers to attach ilonk to their party, his refusal to 
 coerce the Londoners and take away the city charter, and 
 his compliance with the demand of the country for a new 
 and free Parliament, at once disclosed the unpopularity of 
 the usurping faction. The rejoicings which followed its 
 downfall sjiread like wildfire through England, and evinced 
 the delight entertained, with few exceptions, by all classes 
 of societ}\ At such a period the comedy of the Bmnp must 
 have had fulh' as mucli effect on the public mind as at a 
 later period Lilli-budero had in the expulsion of the 
 Stewarts. Lord Wharton, it is said, "whistled " James ii. 
 out of the Three Kingdoms, to which his brother Charles 
 had been calleil back by the voices of the multitude twenty- 
 eight years before. 
 
 That the present comedy had a powerful influence in pre- 
 paring the people of London for a restoration of monarchy 
 can hardly be doubted, when the preparatory rejoicings, as 
 given by Pepys and Aubrey, cotemporary witnesses, ai-e 
 remembei-ed ; and whatever may be said against the drama 
 as a comedy, we apprehend that as an historical plaj' de- 
 scriptive of the times, the living actors, the intrigues of the 
 competitors for power, their instruments, the wives of the 
 would-be rulers, it is adnnrable, — in a word, that as cal- 
 culated to further the object in view nothing better could 
 have been constructed. 
 
 The text is taken from the first edition, with such correc- 
 tions and additions from the second one as were necessary. 
 Pepys says he bought a copy in November 1660. This seems 
 to have been the first edition, as the second one did not issue 
 from the press until 1661, so that the previous one must 
 have been a ])rint of the drama immediately after the over- 
 turn of the Piump by Monk, an event which occurred in 
 the beginning of February 1659-60.
 
 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 107 
 
 Previous to this time the friends of tlie Conmiomvealth 
 )iad, with a siuguhir want of Siipauity, done all they eouhl 
 to destroy tlie jtrestifje wliich liad attaehed to the govern- 
 ment of the Protector, by their miserable contentions as to 
 the individual having best riglit to be his successor. In 
 place of uniting to sustain Kichard Cromwell, whose right 
 was originally allowed, they, after pi'rmitting him to accept 
 the higli otlice, made his position so uncojufortable that 
 he was without dilliculty induced to resign. 
 
 Having done so, they set about intriguing which of them 
 .shoidd obtain the government of England. Fleetwood and 
 l.ambeit each had their followers. The former was son-in- 
 law of Oliver, having married his daughter, the wiilow of 
 Ireton, Lord-Deputy of Ireland, who died on 26th Novendn-r 
 1651. The latter, one ot Oliver's peers, was, as Lord 
 Lambert, j)laced in the Upper House. He was a major- 
 general, popular with the army, and greatly liked by the 
 public for his agreeable manners. He had fought gallantly 
 for the late ruler, especially at I^unbar. It was said that 
 his lady had foiind favour in the eyes of the Protector 
 Oliver;* and Noble, in the third edition of the Mtmolrx 
 of the CromircU Famihj, 8vo, London 17S7, vol. ii. p. 369, 
 states that ilrs. Lambert "was an elegant and accomplished 
 woman," adding, she was " supposed to have been partial 
 to (Miver the Protector." A very rare poem, entitled '• Iter 
 Australe," London 1660, small 4to, after showing how 
 Oliver became Protector by the Black Kod whipping "the 
 Hump out of doors," remarks, some 
 
 "Would have him a David, 'cause be went 
 'To Lambert's wife, when he was in his tent; ' 
 Other people styled him Moses from ' bis shining nose.'" 
 
 The reference to David is obvious, but where the writer 
 ascertained that ]\Ioses had a "shining" nose is not dis- 
 idosed by him. 
 
 On the other hand. General Desborough, the brother-in- 
 law of Cromwell, was an advanced Republican, to whom the 
 appellation of King or Protector was e(iually distasteful. He 
 was before the Kebellion a private gentleman, .subseiiuentlj' 
 
 " See "Newes from the New Exchange; or the Common- 
 wealth of Ladies, Drawn to the Life in their severall Chiirar- 
 ttTs and Concevenients. London: Printed in the year of 
 women without grace, 1650." Small 4to, p. 10.
 
 1 98 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 
 
 a lord of Parliament, and one of Cromwell's major- 
 generals. " His conduct," says Noble, " was as impolitic 
 as his behaviour was rude and uncourtly. "* Notwithstand- 
 ing the honours bestowed and trusts conferred upon him, he 
 had sense enougli to refuse sitting as one of the judges at 
 the trial of Charles i., and in conse(|uence was not included 
 in the bill of pains and penalties. He was, however, con- 
 sidered a very dangerous person, and, during a long life, 
 was "always watched with peculiar jealousy." 
 
 It ap])ears that before the year 1658 Desborough lost his 
 first wife, as Noble quotes an extract from a letter from 
 Swyft, secretary of Lockart the ambassador, then in France, 
 dated I^ondon, 17th Apiil 1658, in which he states he had 
 delivered all the letters, " except that to General Desborough, 
 to wliose present lodging his servants in the Spring Gardens 
 could not direct me. His lordship was married on Monday 
 last, and has ever since continued at his lady's house." 
 These second espousals must have occurred previous to the 
 Protector's death, which happened at \¥hitehall on Friday 
 the 3d of September 1658. His son was proclaimed Pro- 
 tector next day. On the 4th of December following he 
 <!alled a Parliament in the ancient form, and summoned his 
 Hovise of Peers to meet ujiou the 17th January following, 
 and on that day addressed both Houses, as is usual at the 
 opening of Parliament. 
 
 Upon the 12th of April 1659 Parliament was dissolved 
 by commission under the Great Seal, whereupon it was 
 understood tliat the Protectorate of Richard expired. In 
 <'onsec[uence of this, Fleetwood and some of the general 
 officers of the army jmblished a declaration, inviting the 
 members of the Long Parliament to return to their seats in 
 Parliament, whereupon some forty-one of these worthies 
 attended upon the 7th day of May, who took upon them- 
 selves the ])ower to act without a Protector or House of 
 Peers, and commanded that all writs and patents, etc., 
 .should run in future in the name of the Keepers of the 
 Liberties of England. A council of state was constituted 
 j)Ossessing exclusively the executive power. To this extra- 
 ordinary usurpation of power the unlucky but well-disposed 
 Richard was compelled to succumb by his sister's husband 
 ;ind his own relations, including his brother Henry, then 
 Lieutenant of Ireland. Thus by their own suicidal act the 
 
 * Noble's Lives <•/ the Englhh Regicides. London, 17!'8. 
 Vol. i. p. 178.
 
 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 199 
 
 Cromwell family cxtinfi^iishecl every chance of recovering 
 power in the State. See Pcpys, vol. i. p. 12. 
 
 From all that we have been able to gather of the life of 
 Fleetwood, we are inclined to believe him to liave been a 
 canting hypocrite, who, from possessing a more than 
 ordinaiy fluency of expression, was enabled to gi-atify his 
 followers by doses of that unintelligible mystification which 
 gives so much delight to the initiated, but is not particu- 
 larly delightful to ordinary people. It was for this peculiar 
 gift that the Protector no doubt gave him his daughter. 
 When he did so, he little imagined that his preaching son- 
 in-law would be the first person to assist in the downfall 
 of his own issue.* 
 
 In overturning the previou.s government, the originators 
 overlooked the fact that England had not become a kingdom 
 of Puritans ; that the army was not composed entirely of 
 saints ; that the citizens of London, by a gieat majority, 
 were not addicted to praying ; and that Lambert was not 
 a man to sun-ender his fair claims to the Protectorsliip to a 
 set of fanatics. Accordingly, he did not long retain his 
 allegiance to the Rump, for, having given great offence to 
 their high mightinesses, he was, with other dissentients, 
 turned out of Parliament, 12th October 1659. He left J^ondon 
 for the north on the 5th November, and reached Newcastle, 
 where he and his troops remained, until the latter, in con- 
 sequence of General Fairfax liaving declared for a free 
 Parliament, deserted, and joining him, took jKissession of 
 York,t where they kept up a correspondence witli Monk, 
 who, upon Sunday the 1st of January, crossed the Tweed and 
 entered England, from whence he advancecl to York, where 
 he was entertained by Fairfax, who, with the gentry of York, 
 entreated him to procure a free Parliament. Lambert was 
 
 • Noble, in Ids Memoirs of the Cromirell Family. 3d edition, 
 London 17x7, vol. i., remarks " tliat tlie I'rotecti'r gave his 
 daughter Hridpet, upon tlie death of Iretou, to I.ieutenant- 
 General Fleetwood, as be bore, from his propertj- of praying, 
 no small influence in an Hrmy composed of Pmnt'anic bigots." 
 Oliver generally made his domestic concerns subservient to his 
 ambitinus piirjioses. Fleetwood had not the abilities of her 
 first hubbanii, wlii.-h gave his wife much concern, as she saw 
 with nnicii regret the ruin his conduct would bring on herself 
 and children — p. 134. She died at Stoke Newington, and was 
 buried there September 5th, 1681. 
 
 t -Mlh December 1G5!>.
 
 200 INTRODUCTORY NOTICE. 
 
 considered, during the Protectorate, " as sacond to Cromwell 
 in courage, prudence, and capacity, but was equal to him only 
 in ambition. The Protector regarded him with a jealous eye ; 
 and, upon his refusal to take the oath to be faithful to his 
 (lovernment, deprived him of his commissions, but granted 
 him a pension of £2000. This was an act of prudence rather 
 than of generosity, as he well knew that such a genius a-; 
 Lambert's, rendered desperate by poverty, was capable of 
 attempting anything."* Pepys, in his Diary, who was a 
 cotemporary, also refers to the poverty of Lambert. 
 
 After his dismissal by the Protector, he retired to Wimble- 
 don House. He became, according to Roger Coke, a suc- 
 cessful florist, and had the finest collection of tulips and gilli- 
 tlowers that could be procured for love or money; "yet, in 
 these outwai'd pleasures, he nourished the ambition he 
 entertained before he was cashiered, "t 
 
 In August 1659, Lambert defeated Sir George Booth, J 
 who commanded a large body of the Royalist forces in 
 Cheshire. For this important service the Rump Parliament 
 rewarded him with a thousand }iounds sterling to buy a 
 jewel. Whether dissatisfied with the reward, or displeased 
 with his Parliamentary companions, who were more occu- 
 pieil with attending to their own interests than endeavour- 
 ing to raise him to the Protectorate, he left them in the 
 month of November, and marched northwards with his 
 army, which deserted him, as mentioned previously, and 
 went over to General Fairfax. 
 
 Lambert, deprived of his forces, was compelled to return 
 to London, where the Rumpers, as they were designated by 
 the Loyalists, arrested him. Sir Henry Vane, and other 
 members of the Committee of Safety (9th January), and 
 placed them in confinement. Upon the Ctli of March 
 Lambert was committed to the Tower, from which he con- 
 trived to escape upon the 9th of April following. He was 
 captured by Ingoldsby on the 22d, with Cobbet or Corbet, 
 Creed, < >key, and Axtel, near Dauntry, without any attem])t 
 at resistance, which was remarkable, for he was a gallant 
 soldier, and had distinguished himself on every occasion. 
 
 * Granger, vol. iv. p. 2. Loudon, 1824. 8vo. 
 
 t Coke's Detection, vol. ii. p. 76. 
 
 t Created Lord Delarnere after the Restorafioi-
 
 THE RUMP; 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE MIEliOUR OF THE LATE TIMES. 
 
 Actus Primus.— Sc^ena Prima. 
 
 Enter 3 or 4 SouLDiERS severally. 
 
 1 Soul. Ah, rogues ! the business is done. 
 L' Soul In a dish, I warrant you. 
 1 Soul. And thrown out o' th' Avindows : 
 The town's our own, boys ! 
 
 3 Soul. And all the wealth in't ! 
 
 1 Sold. And wenches to boot, boys ! 
 
 2 Soul. Boot me no boots, 'tis bootless till we 
 have 'uni. 
 
 4 Soul. Those are commodities, I confess, I fiiin 
 would truck for. 
 
 1 Soii.l. Thou shalt have them by the belly, lad : 
 4 Soul. Eare recruits after a long march ! 
 
 1 Soul. Graniercy. Bcitlam ! 
 
 2 Soul. Heroick Bertlam ! 
 
 3 Soul. The man of men and might ! 
 
 1 Soul. We were oppos'd, and even at i)ush a 
 l)ike for't. Though a wet morning, 'twould have 
 been dry service had we gone to't. 
 
 o
 
 202 THE RUMP. 
 
 2 Soul. Dry blows Avould ne'er have done't, — some 
 must have swet blood for't ; but 'tis prevented. 
 
 1 Soul. The nail of Providence was in't. 
 
 2 Soul. Or the parings rather ; but no matter 
 which, 'tis done. 
 
 1 Soul. Leymor was a stubborn lad, yet Bertlam 
 fitted him, and in his kind too. His rhetoric 
 silenc'd the mouth of his pistol ; it had sent a bad 
 report else, and a home one. But Bertlam, brave 
 Bertlam, that carries charms on the tip of his 
 tongue, acted the part both of a souldier and a 
 courtier, an enemy and a friend, exposing his 
 breast to danger, under the canopy of security ; 
 and all this for us, you knaves ! He told 'um a 
 fair tale, but means to trust them no farther than 
 he can fling 'um. 
 
 2 Sold. That's some out of commission. 
 4 Soul. Or into prison, or both. 
 
 1 Soul. We may, lads, in time grow up to some- 
 thing. 
 
 2 Soul. Ill weeds grow apace, brother, and thou 
 art one of them, and in time mayst reach the 
 gallows. 
 
 1 Soul. Speak for yourself, brother, I need not 
 your oratory. Well, Bertlam has wit at will ; 
 Woodfleet's an asse to him. 
 
 2 Soul. A meer milk-sop ! 
 
 3 Soul. A whey-brain'd fellow I 
 
 1 Soul. And of courage as cold as a cucumber ! 
 
 4 Soul. A fool in folio ! 
 
 1 Soul. Ambitious puppet ! 
 
 2 Soul. A general in the hangings, and no better ! 
 
 3 Soul. What think you of Vane 1 
 1 Soul. As of a vain fellow. 
 
 3 Soul. And what of Haslerigge ? 
 
 1 Soul. A hangman for Haslerigge, I ciy !
 
 TlIK lUMP. 203 
 
 2, 3, 4 Smil. One and all, one and all .' 
 
 1 Soul. 'Tis Bcrtlam foi' my money, boys. He is 
 our general, our protector, our king, our emperor, 
 
 our Caesar, our Keasar, our even what he 
 
 l)leaseth himself. 
 
 2 Soul. If he pleaseth himself, he shall please 
 me. 
 
 1 Soul He is our rising sun, and we'll adore 
 him. 
 
 3 Soul. For the sjjeaker's glory 's set. 
 
 1 Soul. At nought, boy. How the slave look'd 
 when his coach was stop'd ? 
 
 4 Sonl Like a dog outlaw 'd. The pallat of his 
 breech fell down with fear. 
 
 1 Soul. He told us he was our general. 
 
 2 Soul Of what ? bills, bonds, and obligations, 
 or green-sleeves and pudding-])ies ? 
 
 1 S&ul. And we told him he was an old, doating 
 fool ; and bade him get him home and take a cawdle 
 of calves' eggs to comfort his learned coxcomb, for 
 he look'd but faintly on't. 
 
 3 Soul. And what said he ? 
 
 1 Snul. Said he ! I prethee what could he say 
 that we would admit for a reasonable answer ? 
 We were better princijjj'd then so. Reason and our 
 business were two things ; what we did we did, 
 that was our will; and the word of command lodg'tl 
 in our hilts. Alas, poor worm ! Gobbet and Duck- 
 infield show'd him cockpit law, and o'errul'd his 
 rolls. He understood not the souldier's dialect ; 
 the searching language of the sword puzzl'd his 
 intellect — the keenness whereof would have pro\ 'd 
 too sharp for his wit had he been obstinate or 
 persisted in tlie interpretation ; and therefore very 
 mannerly he kist his liand and wheel'd about. 
 
 2 Soul. To the i)lace from whence he came.
 
 204 THE RUMP. 
 
 3 Soul. And ere long to the place of execution. 
 
 1 Soul. No, hang him, he will have his clergy. 
 
 2 Sord. Is he such an infidel to love them 1 
 
 1 Soul. Yes, as we do barbers, that is, while 
 they are trimming us. He'd fain go a la mode to 
 heaven. 
 
 2 Soul. If his foot slip not ; but if it do, his finery 
 is spoil'd, he will be so sootifi'd. 
 
 1 Soul. He that deals with pitch must expect no 
 better. Black will to black, quoth the devil to the 
 collier ; but, dost thou think there is a heaven or 
 hell 1 
 
 2 Soul. Why dost thou ask me that question 1 
 I am a souldier, and so art thou ; let's ne'er trouble 
 our heads about it. A short life and a merry life, I 
 cry. Happy man be his dole. 
 
 3 Soul. And so say I. AVhile we are here, we are 
 here ; when we are gone, we are gone, — for better 
 or for worse, for rich or for poor. Amongst the 
 good or the bad we shall find room, I warrant thee, 
 lad, and our General can expect no more. 
 
 2 Soul. And now you have put us in mind of 
 our General, I mean Bertlam (not Woodfleet, that 
 son of a custard-maker, always quaking), let us as 
 bravely spend his this day's benevolence as he 
 nobly intended it. 
 
 3 Soul. A good resolution. 
 
 1 Soul. Rather a proposition, brother. But 
 where, how, and in what 1 
 
 2 Soul. Not in rot-gut beer, I will assure you, or 
 muddy ale, — wine for my money ! 
 
 1 Soul. Wine is the life of action ; 'tis decreed 
 and I obey. 
 Blood requires blood ; then from the purple grape 
 I'll suck my fill, spite of you, Jackanape, 
 There's poetry for you, gentlemen !
 
 THK hi:mp. 205 
 
 '2 Soul. A pin for your poetry I March upon't. 
 
 \_Ezeu7it. 
 
 They go out, and come in again at the other end of 
 
 the stage. 
 
 1 Soul. Bring us mne, there ! Come, who sings ? 
 
 A SONG FOR THE SOULDIERS. 
 
 2 Sold. Though the morning was wet, 
 
 We are merrily met 
 In a house more dry then our skin, boys ; 
 Well drink down the day. 
 Ne'er question our pay ; 
 Let them heartily laugh out that win, hoys. 
 Chor. Then drink a full brimmer to him 
 that intends 
 For the good of the souldier to labour 
 his ends. 
 
 Let him flatter and lie, 
 What is't to thee or I, 
 And ape Noll in ev'ry condition ; 
 If we thrive upon't, 
 Let all the world want. 
 And the city kneel down and petition. 
 Chor. Then drink a full brimmer to him 
 that intends 
 For the good of the souldier to labour 
 his ends. 
 
 Souldiers. Hey, boys, come away I [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Bertlam and Walker his Sea-etary. 
 
 Beit. Trotter: 
 Stc. My lord I
 
 L'OG THE RUMP. 
 
 Bert. Has Lockwliite been here yet ? 
 
 Sec. Not yet, my lord. Sir 
 
 Bert. What wouldst thou have 1 
 
 Sec. Nothing, my lord, not I. 
 
 Bert. Thou hast not thy name for nothing. I 
 see thy tongue will keep pace with thy wit, and 
 still be trotting. I prethee leave off thy imperti- 
 nences, I have told thee enough on't. 
 
 Sec. AVhy, my lord, and it shall please you 
 
 Bert. I tell thee it does not please me ; 'tis my 
 fear thou'lt be my shame. I sent thee into France 
 to learn some breeding, and thou renderest me the 
 poorest and the pitifull'st accompt that ever porter 
 gave on a sleight errant. Dost thou keep com- 
 pany? 
 
 Sec. Yes, my lord. 
 
 Bert. What are they ? of what soil ? 
 
 Sec. Of the better, sir. 
 
 Bert. 'Tis strange ! thy knowledge being so bad. 
 Are they men of intelligence 1 
 
 Sec. I think so, my lord. 
 
 Bert. You think so ! sad, I professe 'tis very sad. 
 Were it my case as it is yours, and it behoves you 
 as you assume the title of a secretary, I'de draw 
 men's souls out by inspeculation, and in the inquest 
 of their faculties cull out such matter as would 
 yield advantage to him I had relation to ; and 
 without this, thou neither dost deserve the place 
 thou hast nor art thou fit for company. 
 
 Sec. My lord, I have done my endevour. 
 
 Bert. A weak one ; let Thurloe be your president. 
 
 Sec. When your lordship is translated to your 
 highness, and that you have command of the 
 publick purse, I shall be as ready to waste it as he 
 or the proudest of 'um, but I am but a fool to 
 explain myself.
 
 THE RUMP. L'l»7 
 
 Bert. That time is drawing near. 
 
 [^He turns about in wrath ivith his dapper dander 
 at his breech. 
 
 Sec. In the meantime I have not been idle ; 1 
 have done something. 
 
 Bert. What hast thou (hmr tliat may deserve 
 recording ? 
 
 See. Why, 1 have eudevoiired to liud how the 
 common cry of the town goes as to this day's 
 business. 
 
 Bert. That's something, indeed; and how do the 
 })eople relUsh it? 
 
 Sec. Relli.sh it ! why, truly, sir, it is thought 
 
 Bert. Thou wilt return to thy vftmit. 
 
 Sec. Why, truly, sir, it is thought, and it' 1 may 
 s})eak my thoughts freely, the Kump was but a 
 .stinking Rump, and scented so ill in the nostrils of 
 the peo[)le that they fear'd a sudden plague attended 
 the concavity, and with much joy Idlest the rue and 
 wormwood you brought to their conservation. 
 
 Bert. Dost thou know what thou sayst ? 
 
 Sec. I could say more, sir. 
 
 Bert. To as little purpose — begone ! I would be 
 private ; yet if Lockwhite come, admit him. 
 
 Sec. Nay, my lord, I warrant here will Ik; tlit^ 
 whole fry presently. 
 
 Bert. Thou a secretary, and talk so like a fisher- 
 man. What fry, you fool ? 
 
 Sec. Woodfleet and the rest, sir. 
 
 Bert. My mind is not at rest while thou are here. 
 
 l^egone lE.cit Secretary. 
 
 I wonder Luck white comes not; he's a man 
 Has run all hazards, with as good success, 
 Except old Noll, as any man I know. 
 He was his creature, and he now is mine, 
 And hitherto he has pi-rform'd his ])art
 
 208 THE RUMP. 
 
 In my revenge upon that family ; 
 
 }So home, even to their doors, that my disgrace 
 
 Lies buried in their infamy. How now 1 
 
 Enter Secretary and Lockwhite. 
 
 Sec. My lord, he's come. 
 
 Bert. Tis well ; leave us. 
 My lord, how goes causes 1 
 
 Lock. They cannot go amiss, sir, 
 Whilst you are advocate. 
 
 Bert. The sword, thou meanest, 
 That must decide all controversies. 
 
 Lock. It will do much, sir, but pollicy puts the 
 best edge to't. 
 
 Bert. And that you have. Come, my lord, b« 
 
 free, — ■ 
 Where shall we set up our rest 1 
 We have had tossing times. 
 
 Lock. Indeed, my lord, time hath been tost in a 
 blanquet; but I hope now we shall use time better 
 than so. 
 
 Bert. As how 1 
 
 Lock. You may trim him, sir. 
 You have him by the foretop. 
 
 Bert. If I thought so, I'de hold him fast. 
 
 Lock. Now or never. If you let slip your hold 
 you are undone — mit Ccesar aut Nullus. 
 
 Bert. But the Remora to that is Woodfleet. 
 
 Lock. Alas ! you know him, sir. 
 
 Bert. True, he's but of a softly nature. 
 
 Lock. A fine commendation for a general, that 
 should be rough as warre itself But he has a soft 
 place in his head too, and that's worse ; however, 
 he's a fit subject for your purpose, and therefore, 
 sir, use him as Cataline did Lentulus,— drill him
 
 THE RUMl'. 209 
 
 along with ho])e tluit all this tends to his oiK-ly 
 iulvancenu'nt ; fools are soon persuaded. And 
 believe me, my lord, that was the veiy engine 
 madi' him consent to th' blowing up of his brother, 
 a gentleman in some sense ])etter qualified. 
 
 Bert. Ay, but a small jmtshell,! am confident, may 
 with ease contain ])oth their courages, yet I know 
 Woodfieet will fleer (he dare not grin) after honour, 
 and is as greedy on't as a cat is of a dish of milk. 
 
 Lock. Twill be ill bestow'd, sir, if it light on 
 him. 
 
 Bert. A\'hat, a dish of milk ? " 
 
 Lock. You misinterpret me; honour I meant, sir. 
 If you make him groom of your close-stool, 
 'Twill draw more from your goodness then his 
 
 merit. 
 And keep his wife in smocks too, during pleasure. 
 That Avill be, sir, your highness' pleasure. 
 
 Bed. It is not come to that yet. 
 
 Lock. Oliver had it ; his time is past, and your 
 time's coming on. Princes have power o'er the 
 persons of both sexes. 
 
 Bert. Name him no more ; I hate his memory. 
 
 Lock. I confess I do not much care for't, yet I 
 liate nothing brought or brings me profit. I lov'd 
 the father of the heroicks, while he had a power to 
 do me good ; that failing, my reason did direct me 
 to that party then prevailing, — the fagg end of the 
 Parliament. What though I took the oath of 
 allegiance to Oliver ; your lordship and others did 
 (witliout the which I could not have sat there) ; yet, 
 it conducing not to our advantage, it was an ill 
 oath. ])etter broke than kejit ; and so are all oaths 
 in the stricter sense. The laws of nature and of 
 nations do dispense with matters of divinity in 
 such a case ; for no man willinglv Avould be an
 
 210 THE RUMP. 
 
 enemy to himself. The very beasts do hy instinct 
 of nature seek for self-preservation ; why not man, 
 who is the lord of reason 1 Oaths ! what are 
 they but bubbles that break with their own empti- 
 ness 1 
 
 Bert. You say very right, my lord, I am of your 
 opinion. 
 
 Lock. Yet the pulpiteirs belch forth fire and 
 brimstone against it. But, my lord, how could I 
 have serv'd my countrey by setting the Dane and 
 Swede by the ears, while the thread for a protec- 
 torian interest was spinning here 1 How could I 
 have carried on, or rather promoted, the design for 
 Jamaica (though it were in Revilo's name) 1 How 
 could I have lopt off those ill branches to the Com- 
 monwealth, the Cavaliers and Essex, his discon- 
 tented reformadoes 1 How could I have show'd 
 myself loyal to your interest, by foolling Fleetwood 
 in the disseating of Dick, by his dissolving the 
 Honest Parliament, as they call it, and bringing in 
 the odious Rump 1 How could I, in my speech at 
 the Councel of State, have raked up Revilo's ashes, 
 by bespattering him- and his family, and tohl Ireton 
 how Providence had brought things about, and 
 that the hand of the Lord was in't, when I meant 
 nothing lesse 1 How could I, under fav^our, have 
 advised you to this day's enterprise, if I should 
 have startled or scrupl'd at oaths, preferred honesty 
 or divinity before temporal interest or humane 
 reason ] I desire, my lord, in this case you will 
 be my judge. 
 
 Bert. Nay, my lord, you are your own judge in 
 this case ; but, in my opinion, you have done your- 
 self but justice. 
 
 Lock. And he that will not do justice to himself, 
 will never do it to another.
 
 THK RUMl', 21 1 
 
 Bert. You advise well. 
 
 Lork. My lord, take it from ine, he that will live 
 in this world must be endowed with these three 
 rare qualities, — dissimidation, equivocation, and 
 mental reser\ ation. 
 
 Enter "Walker. 
 
 Bert. How now 1 the news with you 1 
 
 Sec. The Lord Woodfleet, sir. 
 
 Bert. AVhat of him 1 
 
 Sec. My lord, he is come. sir. 
 
 Bert. Prethee thy wit and his may walk 
 
 together ; admit him 1 knew" I should be 
 
 troubled with him. [Exit Walker. 
 
 Lock. I d(nil)t not but you have i)repar'd yourself 
 for the encounter. 
 
 Enter Woodfleet. 
 
 Bert. I am pretty well antidoted 'gainst the 
 poyson, — he's here. My lord, your most suit- 
 missive ser\ant. 
 
 Lock. My lord, I cannot complement, Init I am 
 in lieart j'our creature, that is, at your ilisposal. 
 
 JVooil. Seriously, I profess, I cannot reach your 
 meaning, gentlemen. 
 
 Bert. Our meaning's not amiss, sir ; 
 V^Q know, sir, what we say. 
 
 Wood. Indeed, I ])rofess I believe so, gentlemen. 
 I hope things are now in the Lord's handling, and 
 will go on well, and become the doings of Christians. 
 
 Li>ck. The (Jovernnient has been all this while 
 in the horrid haiuls of infidels, Jews, Pagans, and 
 Turks. \_Aside to Bert.] — I must make him up a 
 medly.
 
 212 THE RUMP. 
 
 prood. Yea, abomination hath been in the hands 
 of iniquity. 
 
 Bert. But, my lord, those hands are now cut off, 
 and all our ambition is, that your lordship would 
 take the Government into the white hands of your 
 goodness. 
 
 fFood. Who 1 I ! Gentlemen — seriously • — I 
 profess — indeed — and by yea and nay law — you 
 shame me — so you do ! I can say no more, alas ! 
 I! 
 
 Lock. You ! Why, my lord, if you knew your- 
 self as well as I do, you would say more. 
 
 IFood. Truely, I think, I have been something 
 in my time. 
 
 Bert. Something ! you have been more than 
 something. 
 
 Lock. Tliat's stark nought, uiy lord, l)ut it shall 
 pass. [J.^idc. 
 
 \_Withlii — Where's my Lord Bertlam"? where's 
 my Lord Bertlam 1 
 
 Enter Walker. 
 
 Bert. What's the meaning of this 1 
 
 Sec. The Lord Stoneware, the Lord Huson, 
 Colonel Gobbet, Colonel Duckinfield, and others 
 desire your favourable and courteous admittance, 
 sir. 
 
 Bert. By all means, let them enter. But, my 
 lord, be sparing of your speech, for these are catch- 
 ing fellows, and will interpret strangely. Our aim 
 is onely to advance your interest. 
 
 fFood. You know, my lord, I can keep my 
 tongue within my teeth sometimes. 
 
 Lock. 'Tis a high point of wisdom in you, sir. 
 
 Wood. Odd, so they are here. I cry mum.
 
 THE RUMP. 21.*^ 
 
 Eater Stoneware, Desborouoh, Huson, Cobbet, 
 and DucKiNFiELi). 
 
 Lock. The less you speak the better 'twill be, 
 sir. 
 
 Bert. My Lord Stoneware ! 
 
 Stone. Many benisons lite on you for this day's 
 wark, my geod loord. 
 
 Des. How do you do, my Lord Woodfleet ? how 
 <lo you, my Lord Bertlam ? how do you, my Lord 
 Lockwhite 1 and how do you all ? Hah ! 
 
 Wood. The better for your asking, sir. 
 
 Des. Say you so ? then I'll ask again ; and how 1 
 and how 1 
 
 Hits. And what 1 and what 1 
 
 Cob. Your language cannot be translated, brother. 
 
 Ihis. Let them take me by the meaning, then. 
 
 Stone. By th' members, hawd there, my loord, 'tis 
 sere and faw {)ley, sirs. 
 
 puck. My lords, I have not been backward in 
 this day's business, nor any here, I think. 
 
 JWt. 'Tis confest, sir; what would you infer 
 farther upon't 1 
 
 Duck. And therefore requisite we should know 
 how things will go. 
 
 Lock. As they may, sir. Soft fire makes sweet 
 malt. You know that, Colonel] 
 
 Des. And that I know very well too ; and you 
 have said very well, as much as a man can say, and 
 no more. 
 
 Hus. And that's enough. 
 
 Dnck. But we are in a chaos, a confusion ! 
 
 Hus. A meer chaos, a confusion ! 
 
 Cob. And the people expect suddenly something 
 from us.
 
 214 THE RUMP. 
 
 Lock. Why, gentlemen, Rome was not built in a 
 day. 
 
 Stone. Mickle wisdome, geod feath, in that, su'S ; 
 there's mickle wisdome in that, Ise sure yee. 
 
 Bert. At three a clock we'll meet at Wallingford 
 House, and discuss the business further. What say 
 you, my lord 1 
 
 Wood. I profess I say so too ; at three a clock 
 be't, gentlemen. What say you 1 
 
 Duck., Hus., Coh. AVe'll wait upon you, my lords. 
 Your servants. 
 
 \_Exenni Ducklnfield, Huson, and Cobhet. 
 Des. I protest I am glad of this with all my heart, 
 for I have business in Smithfield, where my horse 
 stands. Now it comes in my mind, on my con- 
 science the roguish ostler has not given him oats 
 to-day, and the knave's hay is musty, too. Well, my 
 man is such another asse. Farewell, gentlemen, I'll 
 see you anon. If I come not soon enough, pray 
 keep me a place in the councel, or let my vote 
 stand for one, — no matter how. \_Exit. 
 
 Stone. Au geod rason too, my loord ; he's a braw 
 mon this, my leords ; yee kenn him weele enough. 
 Lock. And you too, sir. 
 
 Bert. Come, my Lord Stoneware, we presume you 
 are a kno^ving man ; to what kind of Government 
 stand you affected 1 
 
 Stone. E'en tol what ye plase, sir. 
 Lock. What think you of a single person 1 here's 
 my Lord Woodfleet. 
 
 Stone. Marry, an he's a braw mon, sir; bet are ye 
 in geod earnest, sirs 1 
 
 Bert. What else, my lord 1 
 Stone. Bred a God, Ise for him than. 
 Lock. You see, my lord, how Heaven does raise 
 you friends.
 
 THK KUiMT. 215 
 
 JfotxI. Seriously I pi-ofess, my lord, you know, 
 'tis none of my seeking. 
 
 LiH: [^Iside. Nor is like to be of your enjoying.] 
 My lord, a word with you, — what if my Lord 
 Bertlam were the man '? 
 
 Shne. Reight, sir ! Ou'z in on word ya lia spoken. 
 Aw sir, he's a mon inded, mon, gif Stoneware ha 
 any braines, sir. 
 
 Lock. You will live, I see, sir. My lord, he's 
 your friend now. 
 
 Bert. No matter whose; he's a required property, 
 and must be used by somebody. And why so 
 melancholy, my lord '? 
 
 _ irood.^ I profess not 1, — 1 was thinking 'twas 
 dinner-time. 
 
 Bert. Will youi- lordship please to take jxart of 
 our small cheer I 
 
 ff'ood. No indeed, my lord, I thank you, not 1 : 
 my wife, I profess, stays for me. Adieu, gentlemen 
 iill- ^ [Eflf iroodfleet. 
 
 Omnes. Your servants, my lord. 
 
 Bert. Nor you, my Lord Stoneware. 
 
 Stone. Ne, in geod feith, sir, pardon me, Ise 
 invited by a gay mon, sirs, tol platters of bra 
 capons, sir, anil aw the foles in the eyre, sirs ; I an 
 marry, sirs, tol one a my none countreymen ta, geod 
 feath noow. 
 
 Bill. If you please to stay, my lord, y'are 
 welcom. 
 
 Stone. God's benizon and mine lite on you, sir ; 
 geod feath, y'are like a bra mon, 'tM-ould 1»erst a 
 mon's hert to part fro yee. Ise e'en yar humble 
 servant, my geod loord. 
 
 Bert. You'll stay, then ? 
 
 Stone. I maiTy, sir, wi yar none sell tol deeth, sir, 
 gif ye ta jdase, sir.
 
 216 THE RUMP. 
 
 Lock. I knew a small hair would have drawn 
 him to your table, Avitliout this adoe. 
 Bert. My lord, lead Lockwhite the way. 
 Stone. Ater yee is geod manners, sir. 
 
 [Speaking to the L. Lockwhite. 
 Lock. That's more than you know. My lord, I 
 am your servant. 
 
 Bert. Well, I'll break off the complement, then. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Act II. — Scene i. 
 
 Enter the Lady Bertlam and Prissilla her 
 
 JFovian. 
 
 Lady Bert. Pris ! Pris ! 
 
 Pris. Madam. 
 
 Lady Bert. Why, how now, Pris 1 where hast 
 thou left thy breeding 1 in thy other pocket 1 Art 
 thou not read in times and seasons ? 
 
 Pris. I never was such a fool to put trust in 
 almanack-makers yet, madam. 
 
 Lady Bert. What a wench art thou ! and why 
 madam, prethee ? There's a word, indeed, as 
 common as the cries about the town. 
 
 Pris. Your ladyship hath us'd me to't. 
 
 Lady Bert. I'll break that custome ; 'tis a rude 
 one. Hast thou no wit, wench 1 Canst thou pick 
 out no better title for me 1 
 
 Pris. In sooth I cannot reach it yet, madam. 
 
 Lctdy Bert. Reach a fool's head of thy own ; sure 
 thou art mad, wench ! 
 
 Pris. The secretary, indeed, sayes, I am a mad 
 wench, but I thank my stars I can make a fool of 
 twenty such as he is, madam.
 
 THK ur.Mi'. 217 
 
 Lady Bert. Agen ! Can flesh and Llood cnduri! 
 this ! I n)iist new mold thy manners. Madam ! 
 There's a gammer's title ; — out ujjon't ! 
 
 Pris. Seriously, I know not by what other names 
 or titles to distinguish you, madam. 
 
 LihIij Bert. I profess thou art dull, abominaljle 
 dull. Dost thou not know upon what score my dear 
 and second self is gone to AVallingford House ? 
 
 PrU. IIow should I, madam 1 1 cainiot divine. 
 
 Lady Bert. Lord htjlp thy head ! AVhy, he is gone 
 to he made a man, wench ! 
 
 Pris. Was he not so before 1 if not, your lady- 
 ship hath had but an ill time on't. 
 
 lAidy Bert. The prince of men, you baggage ! 
 Thou art such a dull one ! 
 
 Pris. I cannot help it, madam, while I remain in 
 ignorance. 
 
 Lady Bert. I see I must open thy eyes by way 
 of explanation I Then know that from henceforth 
 I will be call'd her hiiihness. 
 
 Pris. Nay, now you tell me what you would be 
 call'd, I shall obey, your highness. 
 
 Jjidy Bert. It will do well, and 'twill be but your 
 Duty. Prethee tell me how dost think 1 shall 
 Behave myself in't ? \She struts it. 
 
 Pris. Highly well ; you cannot choose, you begin 
 so soon, if it shall please your highness. 
 
 Lady Bert. I think 1 am better shap'd for't than 
 Joan, or what do you call her 1 — Cromwell. 
 
 l^She surreys herself. 
 
 Pris. Abundantly, for at her best she was but a 
 
 bundle of f , madam : Lord, I am so forgetful ! 
 
 Highness, I should have sai<l. 
 
 Lady Bert. That's the word ; con it and be |)er- 
 fect in't, or I profess )ou and I shall part. 
 
 [^Pris. repeats to herself — Highness, higiiness, 
 highness, hiyhness ! 
 P
 
 218 THE RUMP. 
 
 Enter Walker. 
 
 Lady Bert. What's the news with you ? 
 Am I sent for to Wallin^ford House ? 
 
 Sec. No, madam. 
 
 Lady Beii. What a beetle-headed fellow's this ! 
 
 Pris. Highness, you changeling; you must call 
 her highness. \^Pris. 'pidls him hy the skirt. 
 
 Sec. No, and it shall please your highness. 
 
 Lady Bert. It pleases me very well. 
 
 [^She struts it and surveys herself. 
 What's your business 1 
 
 Sec. Gammer Cromwell would speak a Avord or 
 two with your highness. 
 
 Lady Bert. Bid the poor woman waite without ; 
 rie do her what good I can for her children's sake. 
 
 Pris. Or, rather, for husband's sake, if it shall 
 please your highness. Good turns ought not to be 
 forgotten. 
 
 Lady Bert. Thou say'st true, one good turn re- 
 quires another. He was, I confess, a man, every 
 inch of him. 
 
 Pris. Ay, and though he was out with my lord 
 many times, he would be in with you, as the say- 
 ing is, and please your highness. 
 
 Lady Bert. Well, I care not if I go to her. 
 
 Pris. Your highness will decline much your state, 
 then. 
 
 Lady Bert. Say'st thou so, Pris 1 Walker, admit 
 her, rie hear what the jjoor creature can say for 
 herself. [Exit Walker. 
 
 Enter Walker and Mistress Cromwell tlte elder. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. I thought I should have staid at the
 
 THE RUMP. 219 
 
 door till midnigbt. Many, come up, Mis. Minks ! 
 Is there such a doe to speiik with you i No marvel, 
 indeed. 
 
 Ladi/ Bert. Prethee, woman, what wouldst have 1 
 
 Mrs. Cruin. Thy husband l»y the throat, had I 
 him here ! and 1 could tinde in my heart in the 
 meantime to claw thy eyes out, and make thee 
 wear black i>atches for something, thou proud im- 
 perious slut, thou ! 
 
 Lady Bert. The woman, sure, is lately come from 
 Billingsgate ! Pris, ask her how goes oysters 
 there ? 
 
 Pr'is. She's very quick of hearing, and't please 
 your highness. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. Highness ! In the devil's name it is 
 not come to that, sure, yet, is it 1 Hah ! thy 
 husband may be hang'd first, like a crafty kna\e 
 as he is ! Did my husband make him a lord for 
 this, — to mine our family, or as the word is, indeed, 
 trapan 'um ? Curse on the time thy husband was 
 born. He fool'd my son-in-law to betray the inno- 
 cent babe, my poor child Kichard, that our fames 
 are now 1)rought to the slaughter-houses, and the 
 very names of the Cromwells will become far more 
 oilious then ever Needham could make the Heroicks! 
 \Vo wi>rth the time ! 
 
 Ladi/ B<:rt. Pris, 1 pitty the creature, ne'er trust 
 me. Alas ! it weeps. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. Thou ly'st, baggage ! I scorn thy 
 pitty; my spirit is above it ! Let me come at hei- ! 
 As old as I am, I can sjtoil that fine face my dear 
 deceased lord did so much dote on. Let me come 
 at her ! [Pris holds /i<?;-.] Hands off ! I'le do't, 
 thou Jezebel ! 
 
 Ltidy Bert. She begins to rave. Send her to Bed- 
 lam, among her consorts.
 
 220 THE RUMP. 
 
 IFalk. I promise }'ou you shall have clean straw, 
 Mrs. Cromwell. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. Out, rogue, rascal, vagabon ! a felloAV 
 rais'd from the horse heels ! dost thou uj^braid me 
 too 1 I'le be the death of thee, if thou com'st near 
 me. Dick, Dick ! hadst thou had but thj* 
 father's spirit, thy mother ne'er had come unto 
 this shame ! [She falls hack into a chair. 
 
 Ladjj Bert. Pris, a cordial presently ! Odds so, 
 she faints ! 
 
 Pris. I run, and't please your highness ; I have 
 it here. [Pris. goes in and enters immediatelt/. 
 
 Ladji Bert. Prethee give it her. I would not for 
 a hundred pounds she should die here ; we should 
 he put to th' charge of bur>dng her. 
 
 [Then Pris. offers her the cordial ; she starts up, 
 and ivifh her hcuul casts it on the grouwl. 
 
 Pris. 'Tis a pretious cordial-water of my own 
 making, madam ; I hope there's no offence in that. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. I need it not, proud woman ! I 
 divine this scorne will be reveng'd on thee and 
 thine ! [Exit. 
 
 Lady Bert. Fai-ewel, nought ; 
 Th'art better lost then sought. 
 
 Pris. She has a notable spirit of her own. 
 
 Lady Bert. 'Twill get her nothing, she beats 
 against the Avdnd. 
 
 I^ris. She's Avind-fall'n, and't please your high- 
 ness. 
 
 Lady Bert. 'Tis an ill wind, they say, bloughs 
 nobody good ; let her rave and raile, my dearest 
 second self will fare the better for't. 
 
 Pris. The fox fares best when he is curst. 
 
 IFodk. Pris ! Pris ! a word or two, sweet Pris. 
 [As they are going off, the Secretary imlls Pris. 
 by the sleeve.
 
 THE RUMl". 221 
 
 Pris. Why, how now, sawce ? plain Pris ! Am 
 not I her hij^hness' maid of liononr ? 
 
 //'(///•. I know tliou art a maid of honour, but 
 the meaning of this, dear Pris ? 
 
 Pris. The meaning of what, thou novice 1 
 
 Walk. That madam is so suddenly turn'd to 
 liighness. Is my lord made Protector ? 
 
 Pris. No, you dunce ! Well, thou art the simpl'st 
 secretary ! What, nmst I find thee brains and 
 understanding? Know, then, and grow wise upon't, 
 she \v\\\ be Protectoress whether he be Protector or 
 not. If he has any honour it must come from her, 
 for aught I see ; she is beforehand with him, ancl 
 hatli install'd herself already. I'm sure my voyce 
 was herald to't, thou piteous thing ! Question the 
 pride and pleasure of a woman ! I will have thee, 
 scribe, to know, the time will come I shall have 
 honour too, and be courted by the better sort. 
 
 Walk. Have I been Avanting in that duty, Pris 1 
 
 Pris. Wanting ! why, thou art always wanting, 
 never provided, still behindhand, never before- 
 hand to a woman ! This I profess, and to thy 
 shame be it spoken. And therefore walk upon't, 
 I have no more to say to thee. 
 
 Walk. But I have something to say to thee, 
 ungrateful Pris I 
 
 Pris. Ungratefid ! and why ungrateful, pray 1 
 
 U'alk. Hast thou forgot the small token 1 sent 
 thee 1 
 
 Pris. It was a small one, indeed, if it came from 
 thee. 
 
 J Talk. The tweezers out of France 1 
 
 Pris. Did travail hither, but were as dull as he 
 that sent them ; they would not cut a feather. Is 
 that your pretious present ? If thou hast no better, 
 walk alone for Pris, she's not for thy company.
 
 ooo 
 
 THE RUMP. 
 
 Walk. Nay, dear Pris, sluill we be married ? 
 
 Pris. What, are you so hot, sir 1 There's a jest, 
 indeed ; marry before your prenticesliip is out ! 
 
 jyalk. What dost thou mean, wench ? prethee 
 kiss me. 
 
 Pris. I'le see better clothes on your back first. 
 
 Walk. Why, are not these good ? 
 
 Pris. Enough, had not a fool the wearing of 'um. 
 
 Walk. Thou may'st say anything, Pris ; I may 
 have better. 
 
 Pris. When that time comes, and thy wit is more 
 refin'd, I may say something to thee. 
 
 Walk. Oh, ni)^ dear Pris ! in the meantime let 
 me but kiss thy hand. 
 
 Pris. That you may ; l)ut, hear me, be not proud 
 on't, nor take this as a punctual promise from me ; 
 I love myself better then so. 
 
 Walk. Yet I may live in hope 1 
 
 Pris. If it were not for hope, the heart would 
 break, they say. But odds so, I forget my duty 
 to her highness. 
 
 jralk. And so do I, thou hast transported me. 
 
 Pris. Not to Jamaica yet ! [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Cromwell and the Lady Woodfleet. 
 
 Lady Wood. Good lady mother, be patient ! 
 
 Mrs. Cram. Good lady fool, hold your prating ! 
 AVas ever mother so unhappy, or children so sense- 
 lessly ungratious 1 
 
 Duly Wood. I beseech you, think not so. Things 
 Avill make for the best. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. Oh, fond girl ! what hope canst thou 
 create unto thyself can save us now from sinking 1 
 We must perish, undoubtedly we must. Though 
 Bertlam carry a smooth tongue to thy husband, it
 
 THE KUMl'. 223 
 
 si)e;ik.s not tht> language of his heart, for that is 
 rugged. It will deceive him as it did thy brother, 
 and the late idolized Parliament he set up, out of 
 a malice to thy father's memory, to make it odious, 
 because he pull'd the Baliell down ; yet now he has 
 usurp'd that }>ri\ilege himself Let his pretence 
 be what it will, it bears no other weight but that 
 of his ambition, to which thy husband is a pro- 
 perty. 
 
 Enter Woodfleet. 
 
 Wooil. Mfjther, I profess I'm glad to see you 
 here, ne'er trust me, law. How do you, forsooth I 
 
 Mrs. Crom. The worse for thee. I wish I ne'er 
 had known the time occasion'd thee to call me 
 mother. 
 
 iVc'i/d. Why, forsooth, mother, if it please your 
 highness. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. Oh, monstruous, not to be endur'd I 
 I have been tame too long. The fool hath found a 
 way t' upbraid my misery. She had a husl)and, 
 dear Ireton, my best of sons, — had wit, and by his 
 councel stilted up our honours, which thou puU'st 
 down as fast by thy simplicity. 
 
 Wood. I profess, ne'er trust me, I speak ingeni- 
 ously, — ne'er stur now, I am no such baby neither, 
 as you take me to be, mother. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. A mere stalking-horse to Bertlam's 
 pride. His wife, that minion, doth assume that 
 title I once, and my son Kichard's wife, enjoyed. 
 She will be called her highness with a horse pox, 
 while I am call'd old Joan, old Bess, old Bedlam, 
 old witch, old hagg, the Commonwealth's night- 
 mare ! 'Tis well if any have the modesty to call 
 me Gammer, or old Mrs. Cromwell, and leave out
 
 22i THE RUMP. 
 
 many other horrid nicknames. This inftimy and 
 more thou hast brought on us. [_She iveepa. 
 
 Lady J rood. Good mother, do not weep. 
 
 3Irs. Cram. Would I were dead ! Nothing 
 torments me more than that thy father, who whilst 
 he liv'd was call'd the most serene, the most illus- 
 trious, and most puissant prince, whilst that the 
 fawning poets' panegyricks swell'd with ambitious 
 epithetes, is now call'd th' fire-brand of hell, mon- 
 ster of mankind, regicide, homicide, murtherer of 
 piety, a lump of flesh sok'd in a sea of blood, traytor 
 to God and goodness, an advancer of fiends and 
 darkness ! Such as these, and worse, could I but 
 think on 'um, are daily cast into my ears by every 
 idle fellow. 
 
 Wood. I pray, take their names ; I profess, mother, 
 rie order them, as I am here. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. 'Thou order 'um ! alas they value not 
 so poor a thing as thou art. Had Dick continued, 
 he had kept our fame up fair in the world, none 
 durst have blemisht it. They tell me that the 
 time is coming I must make a stall my court, and 
 learn to thrive by footing stockings ; and if that 
 Avon't do it, must be (what I ne'er was) a woman of 
 carriage, either for tubs of ale, as suiting best with 
 my original condition, or else for oysters. I was 
 made for burthens, and am too old and ugly to cry 
 oringes. If these trades fail me, then I must turn 
 bawd ; they think me tough enough t'endure that 
 tempest, and tell me there's a place call'd Sodom 
 will receive me and my retinue. I know it not, 
 but thus I am made a pul)lick scorn by all men. 
 And in that, thee nor thine, nor any other that 
 claim relation to us, are exempted. And all this by 
 thy foolery ! 
 
 Wood. I profess, mother, I will be even with
 
 Tire RUMP. 225 
 
 'um. I know what I know, and there's an end, as 
 1 am here, 
 
 Mrs. Crom. I would there were an end to our 
 disgraces, which I do prophesie is but beginning. 
 What will become of that fair monument thy care- 
 ful father did erect unto thy memory before (lest 
 none should do't after) thy death, next to thy 
 husband Ireton's; nay, even of his, thy father's too, 
 and all that living bore a love to him and us I The 
 raging malice of proud Bertlam is so irrisistible, 
 'twill destroy all. 
 
 Wood. I profess, mother, my lord Bertlam is a 
 very honest gentleman, and he loves me well, I 
 profess now to you. Well, I know what I know ; 
 few words are best. I am, and must be, the man, 
 when all is done, as I am here. 
 
 Mrs. Croin. 'Tis very likely, when all is done, 
 thou'lt be the man will prove their scorn and laugh- 
 ing-stock ! 
 
 JV(wl. I profess now, mother, in sober sadness, 
 I scorn the words, so I do. Yini know what I told 
 you, sweetheart, as I am here 1 
 
 Lady J rood. Very well, and do Ijeliev't, though 
 you, forsooth, are so doubtful. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. Doubtful of what 1 Of that I never 
 heard '? 
 
 J Toad. No more words, but mum, I say, I charge 
 you, sweetheart I 
 
 Enter a Messenger from the Committee of Safety. 
 
 Mes. My lord, the councel waites your coming. 
 
 iVood. AMiy, law ye now, as I am here, you 
 thought, I Avarrant, I should not be sent for neither. 
 I profess, forsooth, mother, you are very hard of 
 belief Tell the lords I'm coming.
 
 226 THE RUMP. 
 
 Mes. I shall, my lord. Most honoured lady, 
 your most humble servant. Your humble servant, 
 madam. . \_Exit. 
 
 Mrs. Croin. I have seen this fellow's face before. 
 Methinks he does retain something o' th' duty he 
 paid me formerly. 
 
 Laihj JFood. Be thou patient, mother, I'le warrant 
 things will go according to your wish. 
 
 Wood. Ay, if you'll have some patience ; if not, I 
 profess, mother, I cannot tell how to help it, for I 
 must to coach, that's the truth on't. Sweetheart, 
 pray make much of my mother. [^Exit Woodjieet. 
 
 Lady Wood. Will you please to walk in, for- 
 sooth ] 
 
 Mrs. Crom. My heart was very heavy when I 
 came hither, 'tis somewhat now at ease, by the dis- 
 burthening of my oppressing griefs. 
 
 Lady Wood. I hope, forsooth, you'll have no 
 cause to create more of them. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Lady Bertlam avd Prisilla. 
 
 Lady Bert. Hast thou summoned those inferiour 
 things 1 
 
 Fris. What, the ladies of the last edition 1 
 
 Lady LJert. Those whose husbands have been 
 stygmatiz'd by Noll and Dick wath the title of 
 baronets. 
 
 Pris. I gave order to Trotter to trot about it, an't 
 shall please your highnes.s. 
 
 Enter Trotter. 
 
 Trot. The ladies are coming forth. 
 
 Lady Btrf. They were not bound to their good
 
 THK RUMP. 227 
 
 Ix'liaviour, but 'tis well, they understand their 
 
 duties. Set us our chair of state, and then admit 
 'um. 
 
 Enter Ladies. 
 
 Lady Bert. Gentlewomen, fur ladies we cannot 
 call you, your obedience to our commands is well 
 resented ; if you persever in't you will oblige oui- 
 favour. Pris, proceed. 
 
 Pris. By what authority, and from whom do you 
 derive your titles of Madams, I pray 1 
 
 Ladies. Ficmi our husbands. 
 
 Pr'is. What are they ? of what standing ? 
 
 1 Lady. Of no long standing, we confess. 
 
 Pris. That's a common complaint, and a general 
 grievance. 
 
 Lndij Jlcrf. And shall be taken into consideration 
 for a thing we know. Pris, prick that down in your 
 notebook. Who made vour husbands knights I 
 
 Ladies. Oliver the Fir.st. 
 
 L(uhj Bert. Of horrid memory ; put that in your 
 notebook, Pris. 
 
 Ladies. And Richard. 
 
 Pris. Of sottish memory. Shall I put down that 
 too 1 'tis remarkable ! 
 
 Didy Bert. By all means ; put it down in the 
 margin, as a hand directing to the rest. 
 
 Pris. Of their foolish families ; 'tis done, an't 
 please your highness. 
 
 Ladij Bert. What coates of arines do your hus- 
 bands bear ? 
 
 1 Lady. Who ] mine, madam 1 
 
 I^ady Bert. Ay, thine, wiunan. 
 
 Pris. You a lady, ai\d show so little manners ! 
 Forget her highness !
 
 228 THE RUMP. 
 
 Lady Bert. I pass by their dirty breeding. Wo- 
 man, we say, what coat of arms does thy husband 
 give ? 
 
 1 Lady. He bears argent upon a bend gules, 
 three cuckolds' heads attyr'd or. 
 
 Pris. Three cuckolds' heads ! Why, one is 
 sufficient in all conscience. 
 
 1 Lady. 'Tis a paternal coat belonging to the 
 family of the Wittals. 
 
 Pris. It may be they were founders of Cuckolds- 
 haven. 
 
 Lady Bert. No more of cuckolds, Pris, 'tis appro- 
 brious, and intrencheth much upon the honour of 
 our sex. Put that down in your notebook as a 
 publick grievance, and it concerns us to look after, 
 and the Committee of Safety to remedy. 
 
 2 Lady. 'Tis a material and punctual point to a 
 woman. 
 
 Lady Bert. And what does thy husband give, 
 prithee ? 
 
 2 Lady. He bears three gantlets dexter or. 
 Pris. Or again ! Your highness may perceive 
 
 they have had golden times on't. 
 
 Lady Bert. Dexter or ! Well, we know he has 
 been an ambidexter all his lifetime, and he shall 
 now give another coat, — a body without a head in 
 a field sable. And what's thine, prithee 1 
 
 3 Lady. Ours is but Parte 'p&r paJe. 
 Lady Bert. Parte per pale ! what's that ? 
 Pris. A motley coat of two colours. 
 
 Lady Bert. 'Tis a wonder with wliat impudence 
 those fellows Noll and Dick could knightifie your 
 husbands ! For 'tis a rule in heraldry, that none 
 can make a knight but he that is a knight himself. 
 'Tis Zanca Panca's case in Donquixott. 
 
 1 Lady. If none can make a knight but he that
 
 THK lU'Ml'. 220 
 
 is a knight, how sliall our husbands receive honor 
 from your hus])an(l, who is no kni>iht himself? 
 
 Lidij Ikit. Let nie alone to dub him. 
 
 Pris. You have done that already, aiul 't please 
 your hij,diness. 
 
 1 Lady. If du])bing our husbands will carry it, 
 we can do that ourselves. 
 
 Lady Bert. But ours is of greater honor and 
 antiquity, and therefore ought to take place. 
 Keceive that as a maxime from us ; dispute no 
 further. 
 
 Ladies. We shall not. 
 
 Lady Bert. Since, being infranchis'd through oui' 
 grace and favour, you are become members of our 
 Commonwealth, declare your grievances, and we'll 
 hear 'em, whether i)ublick or ])rivate. 
 
 1 Lady. Begin with the i)rivate first, sweet Mrs. 
 Pris. 
 
 Pris. This lady complains her husband prays too 
 much, and it takes him off his other business. 
 
 Lady Bert. Tiiere can l)e no charity in that man 
 is remiss in his benevolence. Eeceive that as 
 another maxime. Pris, you mind us not ! 
 
 Pris. I'm pricking of it down, and't please your 
 highness. 
 
 Lady Bert. But it nuiy be he prays when's zeal's 
 on fire, as bells ring, backwards. 
 
 1 Lady. And tln-n he rails against the whore of 
 Babylon, and then the people think he calls me 
 whore. 
 
 Lady Bert. That's gross, and shows small breed- 
 ing ; we'll haAc it rectifi'd, it concerns us. 
 
 2 Lady. And my husband says I talk in my 
 sleep, and call on men to come to bed to me, anil 
 discover his infirmities. 
 
 Lady Bert. Oh ! have a care of that.
 
 230 THE RUMP, 
 
 1 Lady. Have a care of what 1 Were he capable 
 of more care of me, I should have less care of my- 
 self. 
 
 Pris. I commend the ladies' resolution. 
 
 Lady Bert. And what say'st thou 1 
 
 3 Lady. Why, truly, T cannot say much. My 
 husband is a man of reason, and is willing I should 
 satisfie myself. He knows the failings of women, 
 and imputes it to the frailty of our sex. 
 
 Lady Bert. He's an honest man, I warrant him. 
 
 Pris. Such a husband for my money. 
 
 1 Lady. As you are a lover of women, let the 
 Act of the 24th of June against fornication be re- 
 peal'd. Methinks it frights as there were a furnace 
 in't. 
 
 Lady Bert. As there were conveniences in that 
 Act, which ty'd up men's tongues from babling, so 
 there were destructive inconveniencies in't, famili- 
 arity not so frequently used between man and 
 woman. When know, society is the life of Rei:)ub- 
 licks — Martins the First and Peters the Second. 
 Indeed, things were rather done in fear then free- 
 dome. 
 
 1 Lady. In a free State, who is not free 1 
 
 2 Lady. I beseech you, in the next place, that 
 the Cavaliers may not be lookt upon as monsters, 
 for they are men. 
 
 1 Ljady. And that it may be imputed no crime 
 to keep 'em company, for they are honest. 
 
 3 Lady. And men that will stand to their tack- 
 ling. 
 
 Lady Bert. Well, we'll have these amended. What 
 liave you more to say 1 
 
 1 Lady. Now, Mrs. Pris, to the publick, I prey. 
 
 Pris. Whereas several abuses have lately crejit 
 ill amongst us.
 
 THE KU^n'. 231 
 
 Luhi Bert. That's a small abuse ; love must creep 
 till it can go. 
 
 Pris. Her highness hath the feeling sense of it, 
 and gropes out the meaning already, you see. 
 
 1 Lady. We could not go to Hide Park nor 
 Spring Garden so much as with our own husbands. 
 
 Lady Bert. AVhy, what had you to do to go with 
 them '] Could you find no better company ? 
 
 1 Jjady. (lood men were scarce ; and then to 
 avoyd suspicion. 
 
 Pris. In my foolish opinion that rather bred it. 
 What ! walkt with your own husbands ? How 
 contrary to conscience and high breeding is that ! 
 
 lAidy Bert. When things are settl'd, Ve'U have 
 an Act that no lady or gentlewoman shall be put 
 to that slaverv', l)ut shall have liberty to walk, or 
 
 talk, with whom they please. Now, may a 
 
 multitude of men's blessings light on you ! Pris, 
 proceed. 
 
 Pris. Here's a lady desires a patten for painting. 
 
 Lady Bert. 'Tis too great for a suliject, we intend 
 it for ourselves, and to that end have employed 
 several })ersons as our agents in forraign parts, to 
 find out the readiest and securest way for making 
 it, that it may not eat into the cheeks, beget 
 wrinckles, impare the eyesight, or rot the teeth. 
 
 3 Lady. 1 have found the -svoful experience of 
 that. 
 
 Lady Bert. We have intelligence of a water that 
 will in two hours' time take the wither'd skin off 
 the face, and a new one shall supply the place. 
 That no lady or gentlewoman, though she have 
 outworn sixty, shall ai)pear above five-and-tweuty 
 years of age. 
 
 Pris. That makes your highness look so smooth 
 upon't.
 
 232 THE RUMP. 
 
 Lady Bert. There's no invention for sleeking, 
 glazing, or annointing but we have notice of; and 
 for powders and perfumes, we may be scented a 
 street off. 
 
 Ladies. Oh, sweet woman ! 
 
 Lady Bert. Then, for attyring, and to find out 
 the mazes of fashions, — there's no lady but must 
 follow us. 
 
 Ladies. You are at a great charge, sure ! 
 
 Lady Bert. We are so, but 'tis princely. 
 
 [Site rises. 
 
 1 Lady. We hope your highnesse will remember 
 the foregoing premisses 1 
 
 Lady Bert. Pris, be it your care to mind us. 
 We must to Wallingford House and have 'um con- 
 firm'd. 
 
 And in the meantime, let our music play 
 To celebrate the glory of this day ! 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Act III. — Scene i. 
 
 Enter one of the Doorkeepers. He trims up the table, 
 lays the paper and standishes in their places; 
 then enter two Clerks to the Committee. 
 
 1 Clerk. The lords are coming ! 
 
 Door. Are you sure on't 1 
 
 Clerk They are upon us already. 
 
 Door. That they are not, I'le assure you, gentle- 
 man. However, I will attend my charge. Keep 
 back there ; keep back there ! I say, keep back 
 there ! Make room for the lords there. God bless 
 your honours !
 
 THE RUMP. 233 
 
 Enter Bektlam, Woodfleet, Lockwhite, and 
 Stoneware. 
 
 Enter Duckinfield and Cobbet ; they pass a com- 
 plement to the rest, Cobbet takes Stoneware 
 bt/ the hand, DUCKINFIELU and they vulk 
 together whispering ; Bertlam, Woodfleet, 
 ami Lockwhite do the like. After a turn &r two 
 Bertlam speaks. 
 
 Bert. It must be (lone, my lord; we have nothing 
 else to take liim off. 
 
 Lock. Scots, we know, generally are greedy of 
 gain, and since we have made him President, and 
 sensible of our secrets, 'tis requisite we do some- 
 thing to stop his mouth. 
 
 Bill. Lest he no matter, it must be done, 
 
 my lord. 
 
 ITood. Say you so ? I profess seriously, if T 
 thought good would ensue of it, with all my heart. 
 
 Cob. My lord, believe us, all we can serve you in 
 you may command. 
 
 Dvck. And you shall find it so when occasion 
 serves, and the Government's new molded. 
 
 Stone. Marry, sirs, an I'se sa mold itt ; 'twas 
 neere so molded sen the dam bound the head on't ! 
 
 Cob. I know there are some aml)itious spirits 
 would have it settled in a single person, but we are 
 quite against it. 
 
 Stone. The faw deel splitt his \)\\^o will be for't 
 than, for Archibald. 
 
 Duck. But my lord Bertlam is a stirring man, 
 you see. 
 
 Stone. Bertlam ! Lett Bertlam gang tol bedlam, 
 in the deel's nam ! What ha I to da with him ] 
 I'se yeer humble servant, gentlemen. 
 
 Q
 
 234 THE RUMP. 
 
 Enter Desborough aTid Huson. 
 
 Des. How do you 1 Low do jowl and how do you, 
 my lords and gentlemen all 1 how do you 1 
 
 Hus. And how do you 1 how do you 1 
 
 Stone. Ah, my geod loords, ken yee me, sirs ? 
 
 Bert. We shall have up our number anon. Will 
 you please to assume the chair, my lord 1 
 
 Stone. Marry, and I'se your humble servant, my 
 geod Loord Bertlam. 
 
 Des. Come, come, what Government must we 
 have ? what Government nmst we have ? 
 
 Hus. I, I, I ; what Government 1 Let's know 
 quickly. Come, you talk of Conservetat, — Con- 
 servetat, — 'tis a hard word, hang't; but there's t(/rs 
 in't, I'm sure of that. 
 
 Duck. Conservator, my lord ! Conservator ! 
 
 Hus. Conservators let it be, then ! When shall 
 we have 'um, when shall we have 'um ? 
 
 Bert. My lord, we'll think on that hereafter. 
 
 Hus. Hereafter comes not yet, then, it seems ? 
 
 Des. But while the grass grows, the horse may 
 starve, 
 
 Coh. Howe'er, gramercy horse, though't has no 
 tail to't. 
 
 Stone. Geod feath, sirs, and I'le tell you a blithe 
 tale of a Scottish puddin will gar ye aw tell laugh, 
 sirs. 
 
 Bert. That puddin will have no ent to't, good 
 m}^ lord. 
 
 Des. I love to hear of a puddin, so it be a bag- 
 puddin. 
 
 Hus. So do I, if it be a good one. 
 
 Stone. Bred agoad, as geod a puddin as e'er was 
 cut up. 
 
 IVuod. I profess my hair stands on end.
 
 JlIE RUMP. 235 
 
 Luck. No more swearing, my lord, 'tis not season- 
 able in this place. 
 
 Stone. Harke yee mee than, sirs, mind yee me 
 now or neere. There was a poor woman, sirs, 
 hog'd o'th' Kaile the Speaker, sirs ; an heede gie her 
 noought, wliilke gard lier to let a crack, sirs. I 
 marry, quo the woman, quo now I see my rump has 
 a speaker too. Haw lick yee my tayle noow, sirs i 
 
 Onnu's. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Bert. My lord, 1 know you have many of 'em, 
 but pray let's mind our business. 
 
 Bes. Business ! why, there's the thing. I thiidv 
 every man ought to mind his business. I should 
 go and bespeak a pair of mittins and sheers for my 
 sheerer, a pair of cards for my thrasher, a scythe for 
 my mower, hob-nayl shooes for my carter, a skreeii 
 for my lady wife, and 1 know not what. JNly head 
 is so full of business ; I cannot stay, gentlemen. 
 
 Lock. Fy, fy, gentlemen ! will you neglect the 
 business of this day ? "We meet to gratifie our 
 friends. 
 
 Des. Nay, then, tlo what you will, so I may rise 
 time enough to see my horse at in'ght. 
 
 Lock. Is that it 1 Clerk, read ^\•llat we past the 
 other day ; I mean the heads of 'em. \\'hat papers 
 and i)etitions remain in your hands, referring to 
 this day's business. 
 
 Cob. Forbid we should be backward in rewarding 
 such as have done service to the Commonwealth, 
 
 Lock. There's monev enou'di, livntlemen. 
 
 Duck. If we knew where to tind it. However, 
 Clerk, read. To Walter AValton, draper, £6929, 
 6s. 5d., for blacks for his highness. 
 
 Bert. For a halter ! Put it down for Oliver 
 Cromwell's burial. AVe'U have no record rise up in 
 judgment against us for such a villain.
 
 23f) THE RUMP. 
 
 Loch. But first, let's consider whether that were 
 good service or not. 
 
 Bert. However, we'll give him a paper for't ; let 
 him get his money when he can. Paper is not so 
 dear, gentlemen, and the Clerk's pains will be re- 
 warded. 
 
 Stone. Geod consideration, my geod loord. Bred, 
 sir, that Cromwell was the veryest limmer loone 
 that e'er cam intoll our countrey; the faw deel has 
 tane him bith' lugs by this time for robbing so rich 
 a countrey ! bred, sirs, I ! 
 
 IFood. I profess, my lord Stoneware, you are to 
 blame ; I promise you, you are. ^Vhy do you 
 swear so 1 
 
 Stone. Geod featli, I gi you thanks for your 
 chastisement. Ise fit ye, sir, au profess ta, an se 
 gif you ha mee. 
 
 Col). That may bring you profit indeed. Clerk, 
 proceed. 
 
 Clerk. To Walter Frost, treasurer of the contin- 
 gencies, £5000. To Mr. Edward Backwell, £4600. 
 To Mr. Hutchinson, treasurer of the navy, £200,000. 
 
 Stone. Ounds, there's a sum ! marry, it cam from 
 a cannon sure ! 
 
 Clerk. To Mr. Backwell more, £326, 16s. 5d. 
 To Mr. Ice, £400. To Mr. Loethur, late secretary 
 to his 
 
 Lock. To Oliver Cromwell, say ; leave out high- 
 ness. You were ordered so liefore, Avhere'er you 
 find it. 
 
 Clerk. Secretary to Oliver Cromwell, £299!), 
 5s. 7d., for intelligence, and trapanning the King's 
 liege people. 
 
 Stone. Marry, sirs, an ye gif so fast, yeel gi aw 
 away fro poore Archibald Johnson. 
 
 \Aside. 
 
 »
 
 THE RUMP. 237 
 
 Loci: Oyl the wlied, my lord, your engine will 
 gi) the better. Move for liini first. 
 
 Bert. Beit your business ; I'le do as raucli fui- 
 you. 
 
 Lncl\ Content, Licntlenipn. sinre -we liave set tliis 
 (lay apart fur otiier business, jiurposely to <.jratifie 
 our most concerned friends, let us consider the 
 wortli of the Lord Stoneware, a person of eminent 
 fidelity and trust. 
 
 Stone. Geod featli, and I ha been a trusty Trojan, 
 sirs. 
 
 IVood. We know it very well, sir, I profess, my 
 lord. 
 
 Duck. And 'tis Init reason you should be re- 
 warded. 
 
 iJes. I'de scorn to let a dog go unrewarded. 
 
 Tins. And so would I, he fawns so jircttily. 
 
 Cob. My lord, you are witty ; I hope w^e shall 
 have no more on't. 
 
 Has. And performs his graces to a Scottish pipe 
 so handsomely, 
 
 Du<:h You may content yourself with that, my 
 lord, he is our friend. 
 
 Stone. Geod I'eath, sirs, an sa 1 am ; wha denyes 
 iti 
 
 Hits. Nay, my lord, we are not foes ; I am for 
 you. 
 
 Des. And so am I, as live. 
 
 Stone. Geod feath, weel sed ; ye ken well enough 
 I'se sure I'se a man can serve ye aw, sirs I Sin ye 
 are so kind, sirs. Scribe, I'cad my ])aper to. 
 
 Lock. You have a petition, then 1 
 
 Stone. Geod f(\ath, I had l)een a very foole els. 
 
 Bert. Give us tlic substance of it. 
 
 Clerk. That your honours would lie jilcasM. in 
 consideration of liis faithful service, and the con-
 
 238 THE RUMP. 
 
 stant charge he is at, both at home and abroad, to 
 grant him some certain considerable siimme of 
 money for his present supply. 
 
 Duck. Order him two thousand pounds. 
 
 Bert. Seriously, let it be three thousand, gentle- 
 men. You must understand he is much in debt. 
 
 Stone. God's benizon lite on your saw, my geod 
 Loord Bertlam. 
 
 Hvs. Three thousand pounds ! Why, half siich 
 a sum will buy all Scotland. 
 
 Stone. Bred, sir, ye leoke but blindly on't than. 
 
 Bert. Gramercy, my lord ! 
 
 Cob. Well, brother, the time was, a mite of it 
 would have bought all the shooes in your shop (I 
 will not say your stall, for your honour sake), 
 though now you doe abound in Irish lands. 
 
 Stone. Y' are my good friend, sir; geod feath, 
 y'ave eene hit him home. Clerk, gang a tyny bit 
 farder. 
 
 Clerk. That your honors would be pleased to 
 confer some annual pension upon him. 
 
 Bert. Gentlemen, I think it but reason. He has 
 been faithful, and I hold him a good Common- 
 wealth's man, and the rather because Hazlerigge 
 hath so bespatter'd him. Since you have consented 
 to his present supply, let him not suffer for want 
 of a future one. Wliat think you of £400 per 
 annum. 'Tis but small ; say, are you Avilling to it, 
 gentlemen 1 
 
 Omnes. I, I, I ! 
 
 Bert. Are you pleas'd, my lord 1 
 
 Stone. Bred, thare's a question indeed ; ounz, sir, 
 ye ha won my heart. 
 
 Bert. Then, gentlemen, since my lord Lockwhit's 
 modesty is sucii he cannot speake for himself, give 
 me leave to become a humljle suitor in his behalf.
 
 THE RUMP. 231) 
 
 That you will bti pleasod to make hiiu Constable 
 of Windsor Ca.stle, Warden of the Ftjrrests, etc., 
 Lieutenant of the Castles and Forrests, with the 
 rents, per((ui.sites, and profits thereof. Gentlemen, 
 I need not instance his faithfulness to us and our 
 designments hitherto. No man here, I presume, 
 but hath been, and is satisfied in himself of his 
 reality; and therefore I am coiitidcnt you cannot 
 confer a place of so great lionour or trust upon a 
 person more deserving. But I submit to your 
 Avisdom. 
 
 Omnes. 'Tis granted. 
 
 Stone. Bred, my good lord, what can ye ask that 
 we sail not grant 1 
 
 Bert. I have heard some say, that honour with- 
 out maintenance is like a blew coat without a 
 badge. 
 
 Des. Or a pudding without suet. 
 Bert. You liave made him Keeper of the Great 
 Seal ! 'Tis honour, I confess, but no salary attends 
 upon't; and bribes, you know, are not now so 
 frequent as they w«'re in Noll's time. Besides, my 
 lord is a person of that honor. 
 
 Has. Well, my lord, let us be brief and tedious ; 
 let us humour one another. 1 love my Lord Lock- 
 whit well. 
 
 Bert. I move for a salary, gentlemen. Scobel 
 and other petty clerks have had £500 a year apiece 
 granted to them ; I hope he merits m(»re. 
 
 Hus. Let him have a thousand pound a year, 
 then ; you shall not want my voice, my lord. 
 Lock. 'Tis a liberal one, my lord. 
 Wood. I profess soberly, with all my heart. 
 Bert. Does that please your lordshiii \ 
 Loch. Your faithful servant, my lord ; but if I may 
 be so bold to know from whence I shall receive it.
 
 I'iO THE RUMP. 
 
 Coh. Out of the customes ; the best place, I think. 
 
 Stone. Sure pay, my loord ; bred a goad, I'se 
 uphold you now, gang your Avayes. On scribe, let 
 us mind meere good warks, wee sail prosper then, 
 aw my saw, sirs. 
 
 Bert. Clerk, proceed where you left off. 
 
 Clerh. Houyleybres, £3000 upon accompt; Back- 
 well, for £9600 ) Worseley Aubrey, for £2500. 
 
 Stone. Bred, holt for tham. Where the deel sail 
 they ha aw this siller, sirs 1 
 
 Lock. Ne'er trouble yourself for that, my lord. 
 
 Bert. These things must be granted ; we knoAV 
 the persons, they are our friends. 
 
 JVood. I profess, indeed, brotherly love ought to 
 go along with us all ; but when all is gone, when 
 shall we have more 1 
 
 Bert. Pough ! my lord, the city's big with riches, 
 and neer her time, I hope, to be delivered. 
 
 Hus. I'le be the midwife, or, what you will call 
 me. I'le undertake to do my office as well as Dr. 
 Chamberlyne can do his. 
 
 Des. Well said, brother. AVhat's the matter 
 there 1 
 
 [TJie Lady Bertlam strives to enter; the Door- 
 keeper goes to tJte Lord Bertlam, and whispers 
 Mm,, he riseth and goes to her. 
 
 Bert. I'le wait on you immediately, gentlemen. 
 
 Hus. Is the Lord Bertlam gone 1 
 
 Wood. I profess I know not. 
 
 Bert. Why, how now, sweetheart ; Avhat make 
 you here 1 
 
 Lady Bert. Nay, what make you here, then ? 
 
 Bert. This is not a place for women. 
 
 Lady Bert. How so, sir, pray 1 While thou art 
 here I have as much right to the place as thou 
 hast, if I am John Bertlam's lady ; and for aught
 
 TliE KLMP. -lil 
 
 I know, my advice may do as well here as thine, 
 tor all you perk it so. 
 
 Bert. Good sweetheart, return to thy coach. 
 
 Lady Bert. Good sweetheart, tell me, am I her 
 lii<4hness or not her highness, or what do you intend 
 to make of me ] 
 
 Bert. Thou makest thyself seem to be a mad 
 woman ! 
 
 Liidij Bert. Do I so, sir ! I'le be madder yet. Then 
 rie to the board, and know wliat they intend to do 
 ^vith me. [She strives : Bcrtlam holds her. 
 
 Bert. Thou wilt not, sure. 
 
 Lady Bert. But I will, and hear what they will 
 say to me ! I will be put off no longer ! 
 
 Bert. Be not so loud. 
 
 Lady Bert. I'le ])e louder, sir ! and they shall 
 hear me ! If 1 am not her highness they shall not 
 sit there. 
 
 Bert. Thou shalt be as high as can be, if thou 
 wilt be patient. 
 
 Lady Bert. Patient ! Ay, thou knowst too well I 
 am a patient fool ! Pray, when Avill the time 
 come 1 shall be styl'd her highness ? for that I 
 will be. 
 
 Bert. I'le tell thee that anon. Prethee, sweet- 
 lieart, take thy coach. 
 
 Lady Bert. Ay, thou thinkst with thy fine words 
 to work me to anything, but if you defer the time 
 too long, you'll find the contrary. Call my man 
 there ! D'ye hear me 1 Pray, make haste home. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Bert. Well. 
 
 Hus. My lord, we thought you had been gone. 
 
 Bert. Ko, my lord, I have been better bred then 
 .so to leave you in the heat and midst of business. 
 
 Lock. Nay, I think the heat of our business is
 
 242 THE RUMP. 
 
 over for this day. Clerk, see have you any more 
 jtapers ? 
 
 Clerk. Not any. 
 
 Hus. Let us rise, then ; I think we have sate a 
 pretty time by't. 
 
 Des. And my colon begins to cry out beans and 
 bacon. 
 
 JVood. I profess, my lord, it is not I think fit to 
 put you in mind ; I hope I need not, I profess. 
 
 [They rise. 
 
 Bert. Oh, to move concerning a single person ? 
 
 Lock. By all means, for his lordship. 
 
 Bert. Seriously, my lords, I hold it would have 
 been unseasonable ; but at the next sitting it Avill 
 fall in course, my lord, and then, my lord 
 
 Lock. We are your creatures. 
 
 JVood. Say you so ; I profess, let it be so then. 
 
 Des. Come, let us go ; I'm mad to be gone. What 
 should we stay here for 1 
 
 Stone. Marry, an yee speke right, sir. Scribe, 
 see aw theise orders be ready for my bond aneust 
 morne ; meere especially my none, and my geod 
 loord's heere, that they may gang to the pattent 
 scribe. Here ye mee ] 
 
 Clerks. They shall, my lord. 
 
 1 Clerk. Come, sirrah ! here be thriving times ; 
 some men rise with their breech upwards. 
 
 2 Clerk. And 'tis very probable may be lasht 
 for't. How they divide the kingdome's treasure ! 
 
 1 Clerk. I commend them, they make use of their 
 time, — make hay whilst the sun shines. I wonder 
 my Lord Desborough mist that proverb at the table. 
 
 2 Clerk. Was ever such language heard at a 
 council table before ? They are all made up of 
 ])roverbs and old sayings, except his tamen semper, 
 Bertlam and Lockwhit.
 
 THE RUMP. 243 
 
 1 Clerk. Oh ! those an* two precious divels ; but 
 for a fawning and colloguing divcl, give me the 
 Scotch (livel. 
 
 2 Clerk. No more of this, the doorkeeper has 
 ears. 
 
 1 Clerk. 1 would his ears were off, tliey are not 
 worth the sense of hearing. But come, let's put 
 up our trinckets. A pox on't, I did not think they 
 would have sate so long ! 
 
 2 Clerk. Thou hast some baggage or other to go 
 to, rie be hang'd else. 
 
 1 Clerk. Thou mayst be hang'd in time ; how- 
 ever, we'll goe. 
 
 Do(yr. Well, go your wayes ; you are a precious 
 
 couple. \_Exeinit. 
 
 YA noise vithin, crying — Tom, Will, Harry, 
 
 Dick, have you a mind to be murdered in 
 
 your beds 1 
 
 Enter a CORPOUAL, and SOULDIERS after him in a 
 confused manner, as from their several lodgings. 
 
 1 Smd. What's the matter, corporal 1 
 Cor. The city's up in arms. 
 
 1 Sold. I am glad on't. 
 
 2 Soul. And so am T. There's plunder enough, — 
 I am mad to be at it. 
 
 Cor. The Committee sate all this night about it. 
 'Tis said they are up everywhere. 
 
 1 Soi/l. I Avarrant that dog in a doublet, Hasle- 
 rigg, is the ringleader. 
 
 Cor. 'Tis likely. The news came but within this 
 houre, and the danger that lurks in't hath call'd 
 the Committee to<rether. To-morrow the Prentices 
 intend to petition the Lord Mayi>r for a free Parlia- 
 ment.
 
 244 THE RUMP. 
 
 1 Soul. Let 'em ; 'tis good fishing in troubled 
 "waters. 
 
 2 Soul. Must the Rump come in agen ] 
 
 Cor. I know not. Good lads, make haste, the 
 captain stays for us. 
 
 1 Soul. Pox on't, let's ne'er stand buttoning our- 
 selves; we'll leave our doublets behind us. 
 
 Cor. No, by no means. 
 
 1 Soul. And is't come to thaf? then, hey for 
 Lumbard Street ! There's a shop that I have markt 
 out for mine already. 
 
 2 Soul. You must not think to have it all your- 
 self, brother. 
 
 1 Soul. He that wins gold, let him wear gold, I 
 cry. 
 
 Cor. Well, we shall have enough ; 'tis a rich city. 
 Never came better news to the souldiery. 
 
 1 Soul. We'll cancel the Prentices' indentures, 
 and bind them to us in surer bonds. 
 
 2 Soul. And they shall ne'er be made free by my 
 consent, till they have paid for their learnings. 
 
 1 Soul. Methinks I see the town on fire, and 
 hear the shrieks and cries of women and children 
 already ; the rogues running to quench the fire, 
 and we following the slaughter. Here lies one 
 without an arm, and he cannot hold up a hand 
 against us ; another without a leg, and he shan't 
 run for't; another without a nose, he'll ne'er smell 
 us out ; another without a head, and his plotting's 
 spoyl'd ; here lies a rich courmogeon burnt to 
 ashes, who, rather then he would survive his trea- 
 sure, perisheth with his chests, and leaves his 
 better angels to wait on us, you knaves ! 
 
 2 Soul. Oh, brave Tom ! 
 
 Cor. I know you have all mettle enough, but our 
 captain stays.
 
 THE RUMP. ^ 245 
 
 1 Soul. Not a iniinite longer. Hey for Lumbard 
 Street, liey f«>r Liimljanl Stieet ! 
 
 Omnes. Hey fur Lumbiird Street, hey for Luml)ar(l 
 Street ! [Exeunt. 
 
 Act IV. — Scene i. 
 Enter a Company of Prentices icith clubs. 
 
 1 Pren. Come, boyes, come ; as long as this club 
 last, fear notliiiiLT, it .sliall beat out Huson's totlicr 
 eye. I scorn to take him on the bhud side, I'm 
 more a man than so ! 
 
 2 Pren. Thou a man ! a meer pigmy ! 
 
 1 Pren. Children are poor worms; I would have 
 you to know that I am the city's champion. 
 
 2 Pren. Thou the city's champion ! 
 
 1 Pren. Yes ; and will spend life and limbe for 
 Magna Charta and a free Parliament. 
 
 Omnes. So A\-e will all, so we will all ! 
 
 i Pren. Why, then, you are my boys, and true 
 sons to the city. Cry up a free Parliament ! 
 
 Omnes. A free Parliament, a free Parliament ! 
 
 1 Pren. Boys, this was done like men ; but d(j 
 you hear the news ? My intelligence is good. 
 
 2 Pren. What is't, champion 1 what is't % 
 
 1 Pren. There's a proclamation come from the 
 Committee of no Safety. 
 
 Omnes. For what, champion 1 
 
 1 Pren. To hang us all U[) if we depart not to 
 our homes. How like you that, gallants? how like 
 you that ? 
 
 2 Pren. This hanging is such a tiling, I do not 
 like it ; well, I'le go home. 
 
 1 Pren. Why, now you show what a man you
 
 246 THE RUMP. 
 
 are. I was a pigmy, as you said but erewhile, but 
 now I say, and will maintain it, thou hast not so 
 much spirit or spleen in thee as a Avasp. 
 
 Oriines. Oh, brave champion ! 
 
 1 Pren. Will you, like cowards, forsake your 
 petition, and have no answer to't 1 Rather let's 
 die, one and all ! 
 
 Onmes. One and all, one and all ! 
 
 1 Pren. Why, this is bravely said. Now, I'le 
 tell you what you shall do. When the Sheriff begins 
 to read the proclamation, every man inlarge his 
 voice, and cry, No proclamation, no proclamation ! 
 
 Omiies. Agreed, agreed ! No proclamation ; no 
 
 proclamation ; no proclamation ! [Exsuiit. 
 
 [JVaving tJieir dubs over tJieir heads. 
 
 Enter HusON and his Myrmidons, with tJteir swords 
 
 drawn. 
 
 Hus. Was ever such a sort of rogues seen in a 
 city 1 Come, follow me. He so order um. 
 
 So^d. Oh, brave colonel ! \Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Prentices at the other end of tJie stage, crying. 
 Whoop, Cobler ; whoop, Cobler ! and he pursuing 
 tliem. 
 
 Iliis. Shoot, shoot ! I charge you kill the rogues, 
 leave not one of them alive ! 
 
 [_A musket is let off within. 
 
 Enter Prentices again, crying, JFhoop, Cobler. 
 
 1 Pren. Cain has kill'd his brother. Coll. Cord- 
 mayner. He has spun a fine thread to-day. 
 
 2 Pren. It may bring him to his end.
 
 THE RUMP. 247 
 
 1 Pnn. St. Hiigli's bones must y^o to the rack, 
 and there let him take his last, — Wlioop, Cobler ! 
 
 Omnes. Whoop, Cobler ; whoop, Cobler ! 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter HusoN, again pursuing tJie Prentices ; tJiey 
 continuing tlteir cry, Whoop, Cobler ! Turnip 
 tops are throivn at him as from Jwuse tops. Boys 
 run ill. 
 
 Hus. From whence come these 1 Search that 
 house, and every house. I vow there's not a street 
 free from these rogues. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter tJie Prentices severally. 
 
 2 Pren. Where hast thou been, champion ] 
 
 1 Fren. Where none but a champion durst be. 
 
 2 Fren. Where's that 1 where's that ! 
 
 1 Pren. Stand here and admire. You are be- 
 holding to me, I have past the pikes to meet you, 
 and swet for't. I tell you I have been at Guild- 
 hall, and what I have done there let histories 
 record. Pie not be my own trumpet. 
 
 Omnes. What didst thou do there 1 
 
 1 Pren. Do you see this small engine ? 'Tis a 
 good one, and has been trusty to his master. I say 
 no more. 
 
 Omnes. Nay, good champion ; what, what ? 
 
 1 Proi. How dull you are ! AVith this, I say, 
 heartily charg'd and ram'd, under my ajtron closely 
 hid, Latit unguis in Jierba (there's Latin for you, 
 rogues !), I got into the yard. 
 
 Omnes. What then, Avhat then ? 
 
 1 Pren. By good fortune I espy'd a very fine 
 fellow, some officer, no doubt, hr did ran dan so.
 
 248 THE RUMP. 
 
 Omnes. But, prethee, be plain and short. 
 
 1 Fren. No, it was home; the sting of my serpent 
 liath either kill'd him or lam'd him downright, I 
 warrant he troubles us no more this day. [A drum 
 is heard within.] Heark, the rogues are marching ! 
 Let them go and be hang'd, they shall not abide 
 here ; I liave given them an earnest penny already, 
 and if they come again, I'le double it. Well, boys, 
 when they are past, we'll go and drink the King's 
 health, say boys. 
 
 Omnes. Viva le roy, viva le roy ! [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Lord Bertlaim and Lord Lockwhit. 
 
 Bert. My lord, you will still endear me. 
 
 Lock. A duty so oblig'd cannot be paid too often. 
 My prayers go with you, my most honoured lord. 
 
 Bert. If I return, my lord, command my heart. 
 In the meantime, let not your friendship cool. 
 
 Lock. My body shall be ice first. 
 
 Enter Secretary and Lord Stoneware. 
 
 Bert. My Lord Stoneware, this is a high piece of 
 kindness, indeed. 
 
 Stmie. Marry, I'se come toll kiss your none hand, 
 sir, ere ye gang anenst the limmer loowne. 
 
 Enter Walker and the Lady BERTLAivr. 
 
 Bert. Your servant, my lord. Walker, are you 
 ready 1 
 
 Sec. Yes, my lord. 
 
 Bert. Direct the Lord Stoneware to the blue 
 chamber, where I'le attend your lordship.
 
 Tin: iiLMi'. 24J 
 
 SloHC. Your very humble servant, my loords. 
 
 [Exit Sccretari/ and Stone ware. 
 
 Bnt. I kiunv slie's c-loggM with passion, and 'tis 
 not tit a Scot should understand it. 
 
 Lock. You have done wisely in that, my lord. 
 
 L(((Ii/ Bert. Have I stay'd long enough ? May 
 you be spoken with yet 1 
 
 Bert. Why not, sweetheart t 
 
 Lddy Bert. Am I a wife, or no A\4fe 1 
 
 [She weeps. 
 
 Bert. My only joy and comfort. ^^ hy dost 
 weep 1 There's not a tear but wounds me. Prithee, 
 leave ; I'm sure th'ast no occasion for't. 
 
 Ladij Bert. Ditl Noll do so by his wife Bess, that 
 puss? He had some care of her, and made her 
 what her heart could wish ; but I have nought but 
 empty promises. 
 
 Bert. ^Vill you believe me 1 This gentleman 
 
 Lady Bert. He's a lawyer, and may lie. 
 
 Bert. He's my friend. 
 
 lAidy Bert. 'Twas a by-compliment, I confess ; 
 but I believe he knows more then you do. Pray, 
 sir, .say, shall I be what I will Ije, as he says 1 
 
 Ldcl: The })ower is now in his owne hands, and 
 dou])tK'ss my lord's so wise he will not part with't. 
 
 Lad// Bert. Say you so 1 Then, prithee, kiss me, 
 .Idlm ; ne'er stir, I shall so lo\e thee. 
 
 Bert. But we forget the Lord Stoneware. 
 
 Lock. H'as got a Scottish fog in's mouth by this 
 time. 
 
 Lady Bert. Hang him, 'tis such a boorish, stam- 
 mering fellow, 1 can't endure him. 
 
 Bert. But he's a property, if I return victorious, 
 I must make use of; therefore, prithee, sweet, be 
 moderately sparing in thy language ; let it not soar 
 so high, lest it prevent my tow'ring thoughts of 
 
 R
 
 250 THE RUMP. 
 
 their fruition, and clip those wings should hover 
 thee to greatness. 
 
 Lady Bert. I'le not tye my tongue up for no 
 man's pleasure living. I think I am a free woman, 
 no bond-slave, sir ! 
 
 Loch. But under fovour, madam, when you weigh 
 the advancement 
 
 Lady Bert. I weigh it not a rush, nor shall I fe© 
 you for your counsel, sir ! 
 
 Bert. He's a good man, sweetheart. 
 
 Lady Bert. Let him be ne'er so good, I'le have my 
 will. 
 
 Bert. I prethee do. 
 
 Lock. I trust I have not angred you, madam ? 
 
 Lady Bert. Again madam ! Let his goodness be 
 what it will, I'm sure he hath but ill breeding. 
 
 Enter Walker. 
 
 ffalk. My Lord Stoneware is going, sir. 
 
 Bert. Odds so, indeed, we have been too uncivil ; 
 come, sweetheart, my lord, will you please to walk 
 in. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter two or three Souldiers. 
 
 1 Soul. How now, gentlemen % you are upon the 
 merry march, I hear ! 
 
 2 Boul. Ay, a pox on't ; we shall have little cause, 
 I fear, to call it a merry one. 
 
 1 Soul. Well, I thank my stars our regiment 
 stays here at the well - head, you rogues, where 
 there is plenty of all things. 
 
 2 Soul. What says Pluck ?— The worser knave, 
 the better luck !
 
 THE RUMP. 251 
 
 3 Soul. But do you hear me, sinali ? for all that, 
 your colonel may be hang'd, for killing his l)rotlier 
 Cobler. 
 
 1 Soul. I hear no harm ; I'm not to answer for 
 liim. But i)rethee tell me, d'ye think there will be 
 bloody noses 1 
 
 2 Soul. Those that have a mind to't, let 'em 
 give or take 'em; hang him that fights a stroke, for 
 my part. 
 
 3 Soul. Or mine either. Our company swear 
 thej^'U all be hang'd first. 
 
 1 Soul. The General is like to be well hop'd up 
 with such souldiers. 
 
 2 Soul. Why, what would you have us to do ? 
 If the General cannot agree them, let 'em fight it 
 out themselves, and the devil part 'em, I cry ! 
 
 3 Soul. If they will fight, we'll make a ring for 
 'em. 
 
 1 Soul. They say that General Philagathus is a 
 gallant stout man, an excellent souldier, and a 
 marvellous honest man. 
 
 2 Soul. Then we have the less reason to fiuht 
 against hini. 
 
 3 Soul. Nor will we fight against him. 
 
 1 Soul. But, brothers, let me advise you to have 
 a care what you say, lest you make your words 
 good, and be hang'd in earnest ; there are rogues 
 al)road. 
 
 2 Sotil. Ay, too many ; I thank you, brother, for 
 your advice. 
 
 3 Soul. Alack 1 we talk away our time ; let's go, 
 let's go. 
 
 1 Soul. Nay, sure, brother souldiers, we will not 
 part with dry lips. 
 
 2 Soul, ^^'hat you intend to do, do quickly. 
 ■ 1 Soul. Come away, then.
 
 252 THE RUMP. 
 
 Enter Walker and Prissilla. 
 
 Walh. Now, Pris, what tliiuk you now 1 
 
 Pris. Wliy, truly, Secretary, I think thou wilt be 
 a brave fellow when my lord returns. 
 
 JFalL You will let me kiss you now, I hope. 
 
 Pris. No indeed, Secretary, I will not make you 
 so bold yet. If you return safe and sound, and in 
 good plight, that is, my lord's brows circled with 
 laurel, and people smell you out to be a Secretary 
 of State, 'tis very probable you may have admit- 
 tance to my lip, and something else in a lawful 
 Avay. [Calls within — Walker, Walker ! 
 
 JFalk. These words have comforted my heart ; 
 I'm overjoy 'd, trust me now ! Odds so, my lord's 
 upon taking horse. Ah, ah ! dear Pris. 
 
 Pris. Sigh not, man, thou shalt have it ; come, 
 take livery and seisin, and adue. 
 
 JFalk. Oh, so sweet as the honeycomb ! 
 
 \_K'isses her. 
 
 Pris. Have a care you do not surfeit with't. 
 
 [Calls within — Walker ! 
 
 Walk. I must be gone. Dear Pris, once more ! 
 
 Pris. Why, law you now, give you an inch and 
 you will take an ell. I shall be troubled with 
 you [Kisses. 
 
 Walk. No, truly, Pris [Calls within. 
 
 Pris. ^V^ly, you are bold indeed ! 
 
 Walk. Oh, heart ! oh, fates ! why should such 
 lovers part 1 [Exit Walker. 
 
 Pris. Well, go thy wayes for a modest asse; thou 
 mightst have had something else, hadst thou press'd 
 me to't. But the fool will make a fine husband ; 
 when he comes to taste the fruit, he'll so love the 
 tree ! 'Tis a SAveet thing for a woman of know-
 
 THE RUMP. 253 
 
 led<^e to nu't't witli a man of ij^noranoe, and better 
 to keep him in't. My Secretary, I see, never read 
 Arratine ; if he had, he Avould have been furnish'd 
 with more audacity. Lord ! liow honour creeps 
 upon me ; I sliall be laditi'd, there's no doubt on't. 
 How my ears will be till'd witli madams I And. 
 Will your ladysliii) be pleas'd ? What will youi- 
 honour have to l)reakfast % How do you, madam \ 
 I am come to give you a visit, madam I Will you 
 go to Hide Park to-day, madam ? How doe.s your 
 good lord, madam ? Did you sleep well to-night, 
 madam ? Is your dog recover'd of his tit. madam 1 
 Your faithful ser\ant, madam 1 Have you any 
 service to command me, madam % — This her high- 
 ness despises. I am as jn-oud as she, and methinks 
 it sounds very well. Madam ! ^^'hy, 'tis a word 
 of state ! 
 
 Enter Scullion -Boy. 
 
 Scul. Mrs. Pris, Mrs. Pris I you nmst come away 
 to her highness presently ! 
 
 Fr'is. Why, how now, sauce % 
 
 Sad. Sauce ! why, what are you, pray ? \\'ill 
 you come away I I'le tell her. 
 
 Pris. rie have you boxt anon, sirrah, for this ! 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Prentices severalhj. 
 
 2 Pren. Champion, how now, champion ? AVhat 
 news, champion ? 
 
 1 Pren. Nay, what news do you say, then \ 
 
 3 Pren. Bertlam is gone. 
 
 1 Pren. The devil and JdIiii a Cumber go with
 
 254 THE RUMP. 
 
 hiui ! Well, I hope General Philagathus will so 
 pay his jacquet ! 
 
 2 Pren. He will be forc'd to turn it. 
 
 1 Pren. That he hath done often enongh already. 
 
 3 Pren. The rogues were well mounted. 
 
 1 Pren. May the horse founder, and the foot die 
 in ditches ! My prayers go along 'em. 
 
 2 3 Pren. Oh, brave champion ! 
 
 1 Pren. Come, gentlemen, if you have any chink 
 go along wnth me ; we'll drink Philagathus' health. 
 How they look at one another ! 
 
 2 3 Pren. Faith, champion ■ 
 
 1 Pren. Speak no more, your countenances betray 
 your meanings ; I perceive your masters are not so 
 tender-hearted as mine. He's honest, lives in hope, 
 allows me the merry sice a day to spend till better 
 times come. 
 
 2 3 Pren. Thou art happy, champion. 
 
 1 Pren. You shall participate of that happiness ! 
 'Twere i)itty such proper fellows as we are should 
 part without drinking a health to noble Philagathus 
 his successe. 
 
 2 Pren. Well, champion, we'll make you amends. 
 1 Pren. Let the mends make itself; come away, 
 
 begon. \_Exeimt. 
 
 Enter Woodfleet, Mrs. Cromwell, arul Lady 
 
 WOODFLEET. 
 
 Wood. How say you so, forsooth, mother 1 as I'm 
 here. 
 
 Mrs. Crojn. I say thy folly will undo us all. 
 
 Wood. I profess, mother, as I'm here, you always 
 harp upon one string. Ne'er stir, as I'm here, and 
 like the cuckoo, have but one note, ne'er stir 
 now.
 
 THE RUMP. 255 
 
 Mrs. Ciuiii. What ! dost make of me a liootixig- 
 stock ? 
 
 JFood. No, I profess, not I ; 1 know my duty, as 
 I'm here. 
 
 Mrs. Croin. Thou wouldst fain seem a souldic-r 
 and a courtier, Init thou art neither. 
 
 Liidi/ Wood. Good mother, be not so bitter ; he's 
 an lioiiest man. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. Hang lionesty ! 'tis mere foolery. 
 Thy father had more wit then to be thought one 
 of that needy crue. Could ever man have given 
 the power out of his own hand as he hath 
 done, and to his enemy, a fellow as fierce as aqua 
 fortis, and \\ill eat into the very marrow of our 
 families ? 
 
 Wood. 1 profess, mother, you may be mistaken 
 for all this ; he is in some sense but my servant. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. And he'll become thy master, to thy 
 shame. Why didst not go thyself 1 
 
 JTood. Wliy ? I profess, whether you believe it 
 or not, mother, I am the greatest man in the 
 nation. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. Until a greater come '. How stupid 
 art thou ! Girle, prithee instruct him. 
 
 Ladi/ Wood. 'Twould ill become me, sure, to 
 teach my lord. I ne'er was guilty of that crime yet; 
 he knows his own business best. 
 
 Wood. I profess, mother, you are such a strange 
 woman, I know not what to say to you. Had not 
 General Philagathus, like a fool, made this dis- 
 turbance, I know what I had been this time. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. Thou hadst been neither better nor 
 worse then what thou art, the common tavern and 
 town table-talk. 
 
 Wood. Why, I profess, mother, you are not so 
 well spoken of neither, fnr all you look so.
 
 256 THE RUMP. 
 
 3frs. Crom. That's 'long of such an idiot as thou 
 art. 
 
 Lady JFood. Na}^ mother, indeed you do not 
 well. He's my husband ; I ought not to suffer this. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. Good lord ! it seems he plays better 
 at tratrip with thee then thy husband Ireton did. 
 Thou couldst find tongue enough for him, or 
 there's foul lyars if this March-pane fellow did not 
 melt in your mouth in his lifetime. 
 
 Lady JVood. I thank you, mother. 
 
 Wood. What's that, what's that she says, sweet- 
 heart ? • 
 
 Lady Wood. Nothing, my lord, worthy your 
 notice. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. Had not a fool rid thee, thou hadst 
 known thy duty better. So much for that ! Fare- 
 well ! [Exit. 
 
 Lady JVood. Nay, good mother. 
 
 Wood. Let her go, sweetheart ; the house will be 
 the quieter, I profess. 
 
 Lady Wood. She is my mother, my lord. 
 
 Wood. And I'm your husband, my lady ; as I'm 
 here, I think so. I profess, I know not anybody 
 cares for her company. 
 
 Lady Wood. She does not come to trouble you, 
 sir. 
 
 Wood. Yes, she does, I profess, and very much. 
 I was just thinking of State affairs, and she has 
 put all out of my head. The Committee have no 
 reason to thank her, to my knowledge. 
 
 Lady Wood. Why, my lord % 
 
 Wood. Why, the citizens are mad for a free 
 Parliament ; the counties are all up ; and is it not 
 tiuK! to look about us, I profess ? 
 
 Lddy Wood. Indeed, my lord, you say right. 
 
 Wood. If a free Parliament sit once, what will
 
 THE RUMP. 207 
 
 become of us ] I profess we must secure ourselves 
 as well as we can. The Ruinp, as the wicked call 
 it, must and shall come in agen, I profess. 
 
 LiiJfi Jfiiin/. What will become of your friend, the 
 Lord Bertlam, then 1 
 
 }Food. I profess, I care not. Your mother takes 
 me for a fool, but let me alone to deal my cards, 
 the Sneaker and I are reconciled. But, sweet- 
 heart, 1 profess I must be gone ; I say no more. 
 Bertlam, Stoneware, and Lockwhit are knaves, 
 downright knaves ! I profess they have fool'd me 
 all this while ; it will now turn to 'em, I profess. 
 Let 'em suff<M-. 
 
 Lidy Jrood. I understood, ni)' lord, they were 
 your friends. 
 
 JFond. But 1 have found 'em out. Say no more ; 
 will you go in, sweetheart '? I profess, I must be 
 
 gon. 
 
 Ladij JTofxl. I obey you, my lord. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Lady Bertlam and Prissilla, her waiting 
 Gentlewoman. 
 
 Ladji Bert. I Avonder, Pris, that none of the 
 modern poets have been here with their encomiums 
 since thy lord went ? 
 
 Pris. It may be Helicon is dry'd up, or their 
 l)rains are turn'd tf) addle. 
 
 Ladii Bert. Well, I'm resolved to make him that 
 brings me the first copy Poet Laureat, provided he 
 brings victory in't. I will dispose of my places 
 myself, and be Lord Steward mj'self, or it shall 
 cost me a fall. Lockwhit, fur all Ids art, shall 
 never carry it. 
 
 Pris. How. her hiirhness become Lord Steward?
 
 258 THE RUMP. 
 
 Lady Bert. No matter for that, profit and service 
 will come by't. I'le have the ordering of all places 
 l)oth above and below stairs, and so give out to the 
 people. 
 
 Pris. And good reason too, bir lady. 
 
 Lady Bert. A counsellor ! a foolish fellow ; at 
 every end he calls me madam ! 
 
 Pris. Truly, there was one call'd me madam too 
 tother day. Lord, we women are so frail ! I thought 
 myself a madam in good earnest. 
 
 Lady Bert. Ay, Pris, thou mightst, and be proud 
 on't; but I, L think, am somewhat above that. 
 
 Pris. A story, so please your highness. 
 
 Jjacly Bert. I will have eight gentlemen ushers, 
 — that puss Bess had foure ; two shall bear up m.y 
 train. 
 
 Pris. Eather foure, and it shall please your high- 
 ness ; that pettyfogger Loethur's wife had one, and, 
 as I'm a Christian, another foolish fellow went bare 
 before her, — no countess could have been better 
 man'd. Well, it will come to my turn shortly ; 
 but that the wicked Rump is sat, there lies my 
 fear. Oh, Woodfleet, Woodfleet ! thou art stark 
 nought. 
 
 Lady Bert. What sayst thou, Pris 1 
 
 Pris. I was thinking, and it please your high- 
 ness, what a canary bird Woodfleet was, to settle 
 the Rump, the abominable Rump, and pretend so 
 nmch love to my lord and master. 
 
 Lady Bert. His love is not worth the inquiring- 
 after, wench ; as for the Rump, I smell 'tis stale 
 already, and must be pepj)er'd when thy lord 
 returns. Dost think, wench, it shall have a sitting 
 place then 1 No, I warrant tliee. He that jerkt it 
 when he came out of the west, will do the like 
 when he comes out of the north.
 
 THE RUMP. l.'5'J 
 
 I'rk. Ay, and it shall i)lea.sL- your highness, if he 
 return vvitli victory. 
 
 Ladij Bert. Ne'er fear it, wench, I have sent fur 
 Tiilly, and wonder he stays so long; 'tis such a 
 dreaming fellow. 
 
 Enter a Servant aiul Master Lilly. 
 
 Setv. Here's Master Lilly, an't please your high- 
 ness. 
 
 Lady Bert. How now, Lilly ? hast thou don what 
 1 commanded thee ? 
 
 Lilly. I have examined the Zodiack, searcht the 
 twelve houses, and l)y my powerful art put the 
 whole i-eginu'iit of gods and godesses out of order ; 
 Saturn and -Jupiter are by the ears, and Venus will 
 he rampant, assisted by Mars, the god of battailes. 
 
 Prls. This makes for your highness. I love mis- 
 ( hief with all my heart I 
 
 Lady Bert. How stands my husband's fortune 1 
 
 Lilly. In the Ahiathy of Aries, or as some others 
 have it, Salhay, being the head of Aiies. 
 
 Ljudy Bert. Aries ! what is that Aries ? 
 
 Pris. A monster, I warrant it. 
 
 Lilly. 'Tis a signe, and signifies a ram. 
 
 Lady Bert. You rascal, do you put the horns 
 upon my princely husband ? 
 
 Pris. It may be a new })iece of heraldry. 
 
 Lilly. He's subtle, politick, and crafty. 
 
 Lady Bert. Thou hitst pretty well there. 
 
 Lilly. Then in the Allothanie, or as some have 
 it, Alhurtn, being the tail of Aries, I find him 
 ekxiuent, prodigal in necessity, proud, inconstant, 
 and deceitful. 
 
 Lady Bert. Dost thou abuse me, rascal ?
 
 260 THE RUMP. 
 
 Lilly. No such matter. 
 
 Prh. Alas ! he means innocently, for these are 
 virtues given to most of the male kind. 
 
 Lilly. He's there denoted to be fortunate in war- 
 fare. 
 
 Lady Bert. Go on, fellow ! 
 
 Lilly. In Adoldaya, being the head of Taurus. 
 
 Lady Bert. Taurus ! what's that? 
 
 Lilly. A bull. 
 
 Lady Bert. Dar'st thou horn him again % 
 
 Lilly. 'Tis a signe. 
 
 Fris. A very ill signe, the signe of the bull. 
 But he does not mean, and it shall please your 
 highness, the town bull of Ely. 
 
 Lilly. Has your lord a mark or mold upon his 
 members 1 If he has, he vanquishes his enemies. 
 
 Lady Bert. He has that, Pris, I'm sure on't. 
 
 Pris. You are best acquainted with his secrets. 
 
 Lilly. For Mars being with the moon in the 
 Sextile aspect, encourages men of war, and in the 
 Trine promises success. 
 
 Lady Bert. Tie love that Trine while I live for't. 
 
 Pris. I wonder where the fellow got all these 
 hard words. 
 
 Lilly. Lose not an inch of your state, lest you 
 diminish the lustre of that planet predominates. 
 
 [She struts it. 
 
 Lady Bert. Why, sirrah, you grow saucy. Pris, 
 let the foot-boy pay the felloAV for his pains. 
 
 Lilly. I hope she does not mean to pay me with 
 kicks. Is she angry 1 
 
 Pris. No, no ; you have only put her in mind of 
 her majesty, she loves you ne'er the worse for't ; 
 you must flatter her. 
 
 Lilly. I have been bred to't. I take my leave of 
 your highness.
 
 THE RUMP. 20 1 
 
 Lailij Be if. But take tli y reward witli tliee. Thou 
 art sure of what you sayst 1 
 
 Lillij. As sure as if I had the planets in my hand. 
 A man can say no more. 
 
 Ladij Bert. Well, go thy ways, and if thy judg- 
 ment falter, to second thy gold chain expect a 
 halter. [Exit Lilly.] Pris, what dost thou think 
 now ? 
 
 Fiis. How can I think amiss 1 He's a notable 
 man; I'le get him into the larder one time or other, 
 and I'le make him show me all. 
 
 Lady Bert. Show thee all, wench ! out upon't. 
 
 Pris. What, the lilly and the rose ; I promise 
 you, for aught I see, the lilly is the best flower in 
 your garden. 
 
 Enter a Servant. 
 
 Serv. Here's a letter from my lord to your high- 
 iiesse. 
 
 Fris. Hast ne'er a one for me from the Secretary? 
 
 Serv. Yes, Mrs. Pris. [Exit Servant. 
 
 Pris. So, this fellow is saucy ; I must take him 
 down a buttonhole lower. Good news, no doubt 
 on't ; and then we shall have such bonefiring. I'le 
 lead my Switter-com Swatter-com's letter anon. 
 But her highness begins to look pale upon't ; I do 
 not like this changing countenance. 
 
 Lady Bert. Thy lord is nuirder'd ! 
 
 Pri.f. Then my honour goes to the dunghill ! A 
 po.x of Lilly and his legion of devils ! 
 
 Lady Bert. Murdered in his fame, his honour ; 
 the souldiery have forsaken him. 
 
 J'ris. If that be all, no matter, madam. 
 
 Lady Bert. Even call me what thou wilt. 
 
 Pris. I should have call'd you highness, I con-
 
 262 THE RUMP. 
 
 fess, but I hope you are not offended. Lilly is ;i 
 mere rogue ; I'le never endure a lilly hereafter. 
 'Tis a flattering flower, and stinks abominably. 
 
 Lady Bert. He writes me word he'll be in town 
 this night ; he's sent for by the Rump. 
 
 Pris. Oh, nasty Rump ! But an't shall please 
 your highness, shall I seek out for eight proper 
 striplings to man your highness, and four spring- 
 cits to trick up your train ; a French taylor, that 
 has a yard thus long ; a cook, whose nose will not 
 offend your sawce by dropping in't ; a gentleman 
 sewer, that can dance before your dishes ; an able 
 carver, to cut up your custards; a taster, that hath 
 a sAveet breath and no rotten teeth ; a baker, 
 whose hands is not mangy ? Who shall be Lord 
 Chaml)erlain, groom of the stool, your maids of 
 honour, your starcher, your tyrer, yeoman of your 
 cellar, yeoman of your pantrey, yeoman of your 
 pastrey, clerk of your kitchen, clerk of the roles ? 
 Lord ! I'm even out of breath with reckoning up 
 3'our servitors. 
 
 Lady Bert. How now, audaciousness ? 
 
 Pris. Why, seriously, I dreamt last night, an't 
 please your highnesse, that we have been but 
 princes in disguise all this while, and that our 
 vizors are now falling off; and who would think 
 that dreams should come to light so 1 
 
 Lady Bert. Now could I tear my flesh, all my 
 hopes are lost. 
 
 Pris. No ; you say there's one a coming. 
 
 Lady Bert. How 1 This Woodfleet's wife will 
 o'ertop me ! 
 
 Pris. Pull her eyes out, and then let a dog lead her. 
 
 Lady Bert. Well, I'le do something. 
 
 Pris. I'le see your second so good, and 't please 
 your highness. [_Exit.
 
 THE RUMP. 263 
 
 Enter three or four Prexticks. 
 
 1 Vien. Hy, boycs ! tlie nol^le General Phila- 
 gatluis lay at Baruet last night. 
 
 2 Fren. Say'st thou so, champion % 
 
 1 Fren. And the pityful, dityfiil Lambert, one 
 of Donquixott'.s lords, is in the Tower. H'as been 
 a whipster all his lifetime, and now is become a 
 staid gentleman. 
 
 2 Fren. Well said, chamj)ion ! 
 
 1 Pren. No more of that, if you love me. Noble 
 Philagathus must be the city's champion ; I'le resign 
 my office, and yet be loyal still. 
 
 Omncs. Who will not ? who will not ? 
 
 1 Fren. Then you are my bojes again. Do 3(iu 
 not observe how the phanaticks are trotting out of 
 town 1 Some of the rogues ])egin to mutiny. 
 
 2 Fren. Hang 'em up, then, I cry I 
 
 1 Fren. So say I, by thousands ! Noble Phila- 
 gathus enters with love, and they go out with 
 curses ; or, like the snutf of a candle, stinkingly. 
 
 3 Fren. I'm sure they have eaten our masters up. 
 
 1 Fren. Even to their bowels ; that trading is 
 become a meer skelliton. 
 
 2 Fren. Now, I hope, we shall sec better days. 
 
 \ Fren. Ne'er fear it, lads. Philagathus is right, 
 and sound to the very core. 
 
 2 Fren. AN'hat will become of our exchange mer- 
 chant ? 
 
 1 Fren. What ! he that turn'd part of the house 
 of God into a den of theeves 1 
 
 3 F'ren. I'he very same, the very same. 
 
 1 Fren. Let him hang himself, ami when he is 
 cold meat, the divel carbanadoe him for a breakfast. 
 But heark ! they are marching out, and [Ihuni.^
 
 2G4 THE RUMP. 
 
 heard within] Pliilagatlius and his honest sokliers 
 are coming in. Oh, let's see um ! let's see um ! 
 Omnes. By all means, let's see um. 
 
 [Exit running. 
 
 Act v.— Scene i. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Cromwell and the Lady Bertlam. 
 They meet at several doors. 
 
 Mrs. Cram. Bless my eyesight ! What, her high- 
 nesse without her train ! Where is that pre- 
 tious bird thy husband cag'd 1 His wings are dipt 
 from flying. Faith, now this comes of treachery ! 
 Had he been true to my son Dick, he might have 
 still continued honourable, and thou a lady ; and 
 now I know not what to call thee. 
 
 Lady Bert. Thy rudeness cannot move me ; 1 
 impute it to thy want of breeding. 
 
 Mrs. Cram. My want of breeding, Mrs. Mincks ! 
 
 Lady Bert. We cannot expect from the dunghill 
 odorous savours. Were our aff"ections greater than 
 they are, they merit not half the contempt and 
 scorn persues thy wretched family, and the memory 
 of thy abhorred husband. 
 
 3Irs. Cram. How dui'st thou name him but with 
 reverence ! he that outdid all histories of kings 
 or Keasors ; was his own herald, and could give 
 titles of honor to the meanest peasants — made 
 brewers, draymen, coblers, tinkers, or anybody, 
 lords. Such was his power ; no prince e'er did the 
 like. Amongst the rest, that precious piece thy 
 husband was one of his making. 
 
 Lady Bert. Would we had never known these 
 painted titles that are so easily washt off !
 
 THE RUMP. 265 
 
 Elder Woodfleet. 
 
 But yonder comes tlie cause of all our miseries. 
 
 Wood. Ne'er go, ynndcr's Miymotlicr ! I profess, 
 as I'm here, Tde rather meet, ne'er stir, a beggar in 
 my dish, so I had, as I'm here. 
 
 Mr!<. Crom. And art thou there 1 Nay, ne'er hide 
 thy fiice for't, though thou mayst be a.sham'd of all 
 thy actions. 
 
 fFooil. Why I, forsooth, mother ? I profess, 
 ne'er go, not I, mother, as I'm here. 
 
 Mrs. Croiii. Call me not mother. Thou hast 
 ruin VI my children, and thyself too, like a fool as 
 thou art ! 
 
 Lidy Bert. And ni«^ and my husband, like a 
 knave as thou art ! 
 
 Mrs. Crom. Would ever coxcombe have com- 
 mitted such folly ? 
 
 Ladji Bert. Or ever changling done the like i 
 Jack Adams is a man to thee ! 
 
 JVood. I profess, indeed, law, you are strange 
 folks ; I profess, ne'er go, law. Cannot a man, as 
 I'm here, pass the street, I profess, law ? 
 
 [Walks about the stage, they following him. 
 
 Lady Bert. Hang thee, thou'rt good for nothing! 
 
 Mrs. Crom. But Heering and fooling. 
 
 Lady Bert. And how do you, forsooth, I profess ? 
 
 Mrs. Crom. And truly, I know what I know, and 
 there's an end. 
 
 Lady Bert. Of an old song. Few words are best. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. Ne'er go, I'm the greatest man in the 
 nation, I profess, I ne'er stir now. Think you 
 what you will, forsooth, mother, as I'm here. 
 
 JFond. I profess, ne'er stir, as I'm here, there' s- 
 no enduring it, law now, as J'n) here; and there 
 
 S
 
 266 THE RUMP. 
 
 fore farewel, as I'm here, for lie be gone, ne'er stir 
 now, [Exit running. 
 
 Enter Prentices with clubs. 
 
 2 Pren. Now, champion, what think you of your 
 General Philagathus '\ 
 
 1 Pren. A rope on't, I know not what to think 
 on't. Was ever such a rape committed upon a 
 poor she city before 1 Lay her legs open to the 
 wide world, for every rogue to peep in her breech. 
 
 3 Pren. 'Tis monstrous ! 
 
 2 Pren. Is this the city's champion 1 
 
 1 Pren. Well, on my conscience, he's honest for 
 all this. The plaguy Kumi) has done this mischief. 
 Well, club, stand stiff to thy master ; somebody 
 shall suffer for't. I say no more. 
 
 2 Pren. We shall be coop'd up shortly for hawks- 
 meat in our cellars, while they possess our shops 
 and feast upon our mistresses. 
 
 1 Pren. Well, lie warrant the souldiery will be 
 honest for all this, and then we'll sindge the mag- 
 gots out of the louzy Rump, or else swindge me. 
 
 Enter the ith Prentice. 
 
 4 Pren. News, boys ! news ! 
 
 1 Pre7i. From whence 1 From Tripulo 1 
 
 4 Pren. From Guildhall, you knaves. We shall 
 have a free Parliament. 
 
 Omnes. Hy, hy, hy ! [They make a shont. 
 
 4 Pren. The General and the cit}' are agreed, and 
 he has promis'd it. 
 
 1 Pre7i. Oh, noble Philagathus ! 
 
 2 Pren. Brave Philagathus ! 
 
 3 Pren. Honorable Philagathus !
 
 I'liK lu Ml'. :2(j7 
 
 4 Pren. KeiiowiU'd Philat^'utlius I 
 
 1 Pren. Now, you iutidels ! what think you now { 
 Has your fears and jealousies left you, or will you 
 still damn yourselves up with dirty suspicion. 
 Vou that spoke, even now, you sliould ])e coop'd 
 up for hawks meat shall be cranim'd up for capons, 
 your cellars shall become warehouses, your shoj)s 
 exchanges, and your mistresses persons of honor. 
 
 (Jmnes. And what shall we be ? 
 
 1 Pren. Squires of the body. Honor sufficient 
 enough for men of our i-ank, gentlemen. 
 
 Omm.'i. Oh, l»rave champion I 
 
 1 Pnii. I tell you I will have no more of that. 
 Where is Lilly now 1 
 
 2 Pren. In one of the twelve houses. 
 1 Pren. We'll tire him out of 'em. 
 
 3 Pre7i,. How will the man in the moon drink 
 claret then ? 
 
 1 Pren. Claret is best burnt, sir, by your leave. 
 
 3 Pren. Ay, but Lilly has eighteen houses. 
 
 1 Pren. A baker's dozen. We'll fire the odd end 
 first. 
 
 Omnes. A match, a match ! we'll do't. 
 
 I I'rni. liut now I think on't, we nuisl have no 
 firing of houses, there's a statute against it. Better 
 (iuce wise than never. 
 
 Omn€i>. Oh, brave Sack ! 
 
 I Pren. We'll Ix; merry to-night, I'm resolv'd 
 on't, or else never let prentices presume to be 
 honest agen, and therefore follow me. God l)less 
 the General ! [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter W'alkkh nud Piassii.i^v. 
 Pri^. Now, Secretary, where "s your titles now \
 
 e 
 
 268 THE RUMP. 
 
 Not so much as a title of 'em remaining, all sunk 
 in the sandbox. 
 
 IFalk. I'm betAveen Silla and Carybdis, I must 
 confess ; and thou hast gravell'd me, my dear 
 Pris. 
 
 Pris. Hang your dog poetry, it made my lord 
 thrive so ill as he did. I think thou didst infect 
 him ; he us'd to have a serene brain, and courage 
 good enough. Sure the viccar of fools Avas his 
 ghostly father. Be beat without a blow, there's a 
 mystery indeed ! 
 
 IFalk. Truly, Pris, my lord could not help it. 
 
 Pris. Not help it ! there's a jest indeed. I'm 
 sure he has helpt himself into prison for't, let who 
 will help him out again. What course wilt thou 
 take now. Secretary 1 
 
 Walk. Not horse-coursing, Pris ; I'de have thee 
 know that. 
 
 Pris. Why, thou'rt pretty well timber'd for such 
 an imployment. Canst thou make pens 1 
 
 Walk. Yes, and ink too, Pris ; I tell you but so. 
 
 Pris. There will be a trade indeed for thee. 
 
 Walk. Nay, and the worst come to the worst, I 
 can teach to dance. [He frisks about. 
 
 Pris. I confess thy sword is alwayes dancing. 
 
 Walk. That's the a la mode is learnt in France. 
 
 Pris. Come, if thou canst dance so well, let's 
 have a frisk, if thou dar'st. 
 
 Walk. Truly, Pris, I have not my pumps in my 
 pocket. 
 
 Pris. 'Tis well thy mother left thee wit enough 
 for an excuse. [He draws. 
 
 Walk That is not all. Look here, I can fence 
 too! 
 
 Pris. AVliat dost thou mean to do 1 [She starts. 
 
 IFalk. Set your right foot forward, keep a close
 
 Tin: in Ml*. 2G9 
 
 fijuanl, have an eye to your eiu'iny's point, extend 
 your arm tlui.s. [S/n' yv//<,s-, (ind he Julloics lur. 
 
 Pris. Lord, lord ! the man is mad, sure. 
 
 Jf'alk. Traverse your ^n'ound, sometimes reverse 
 — as til us ! Give back then ; come on agen, play with 
 his point. If he makes a })ass, ])ut it by ; make a 
 home-thrust thus, run him through, and he falls, I 
 warrant you. [She screams. 
 
 i'ris. Put up thy fool's bawble there ; I profess 
 I'll call mv lady else. [Jle puts up his sioord. 
 
 Walk. Why, did it fright thee, Pris ] Seriously, 
 I did but show thee what skill 1 had at my weapon. 
 
 I'ris. Thou wouldst make a rare fellow to fence 
 before the bears, if there were any. 
 
 JFalk. Why, Pris, I dare say I can kill any man 
 living that can't defend himself. 
 
 Pris. Ha, ha, ha ! I am of thy mind ; — that can't 
 defend himself ! 
 
 Walk. Why, Pris, such as fight must take all 
 advantages. 
 
 Pris. And I that do not fight will take the 
 advantage to leave thee and thy fdohMy. [Exit. 
 
 I Talk. Nav, dear Pris, ne'er go ; Til follow thee. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Enter Prentices vith J'(i<j(jots upon their shoulders ; 
 they pass the staije wlioopiiiij ami hollowing. 
 
 Enter again, tchooping and hollowing, with rumps of 
 mutton upon spits. 
 
 Omnes. Ptoast the Hump ! roast the Rump ! 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Enter a Boy ujwn a coltstaff carried by two, and 
 others following him, tchooping and hollowing. 
 
 1 Prc)i. Silence, silence, I say !
 
 ^'70 THE RUMP. 
 
 Oimies. Silence, silence there ! 
 1 Frcn. Gentlemen all, I tell you plain. 
 My rump does itch, and we shall have rain. 
 
 [Exeunt whooping and hollowing. 
 
 A ■piece of u'ood is set forth, painted like a pile of 
 faggots and. fire, and faggots lying tjij to supply it. 
 
 Enter Prentices and Souldiers. 
 
 1 Pren. Come, gentlemen, you are welcome. Sit 
 down, bring some drink there ; 'tis a night of jubile ; 
 we'll want to drink while the rump roasts. 
 
 [A form is set forth. 
 
 Enter one with drink. 
 
 Here's health to your noble General. 
 Soul. Thank you, young man. 
 
 [Backs are set out, one turns the spit loith Rump 
 
 OJlt. 
 
 1 Pren. Baste the rump soundly. 
 
 2 Pren. It bastes itselfe, it has been well fed ; a 
 dog take it ! But pray give us some drink too, we 
 are almost dry roasted. 
 
 Enter Frenchman. 
 
 French. Begarr, dis be very lite night, me can 
 find my way to my loging, begarr, very well if me 
 not take a cup too mush by the way. Now, gar- 
 soone, what be de matter vitt you 1 
 
 Prentices. Some larshan for the bonfire, monsieur. 
 
 French. Bonfires ! begarr, me tinck de grand 
 divell be in the bonfires. Here, garsoone, what be 
 you 1 Vill a vou dore larshan to de bonfire ]
 
 THE RUMP. 271 
 
 Enter MUSICIANS. 
 
 Mitsicians. We are musicians, and will give you 
 a lesson, monsieur. 
 
 French. A lesson ! dat be very good ; begarr, mo 
 love itt vitt all mine heart ; alle, alle vie moy to 
 de bonfire, begarr, furbone company de souldate 
 [fhey ffo tn the bonfire] deee Angletar, me love deni 
 vitt all mine heart ; play a lesson, or, begar, me vil 
 brake a your fiddells. 
 
 Omnes. Oh, brave monsieur ! 
 
 French. Furboone, begarr, now give me de merry 
 song, me give you de larshan. 
 
 [Musicians play a short lesson. 
 
 Siiitldiers. Have you this song ? ' "We came from 
 Scotland.' 
 
 Musicians. Yes sir. 
 
 French. Begarr, me vill have a dat. 
 
 Sotig. 
 
 "We came from Scotland with a small force, 
 "With a hey. down, down, a down a ! 
 But with hearts far truer than steel 
 We got by my fay, ; 
 
 The glory o' th' day, 
 Yet no man a hurt did feel. 
 
 [All sin'j the tune, and throw their hats 
 about their heads. 
 
 When Bertlam first our army tlid face, 
 Hey, down, down, a down a ! 
 He look'd as fierce as the devil. 
 We feared a rout. 
 But he wheeled about. 
 The gentleman was so civil. 
 
 [All sing the tune again.
 
 •272 THE RUMP. 
 
 Our General marcht with the countrey's love, 
 With a hey, down, down, a down a ! 
 All persons to him did address ; 
 Small money we spent. 
 For we found as we went 
 Good friends, and here find no less. 
 
 [Sing all again. 
 
 French. Furboone, begar furboone, done moy de 
 toder cup burn a de Rump. 
 
 1 Frcn. That has been often done in your 
 countrey, monsieur. 
 
 French. Begar, me vill dance about de bonfire ; 
 come vit me, men. [Fhf'y dance about the bonfire. 
 
 Omnes. Oh, brave monsieur ! 
 
 Enter Prissilla. 
 
 Pris. Let my lady say what she will, I will see 
 the bonfire. 
 
 French. Begar, metres, you be a very fine shentile- 
 veman ; begarr, me dance one time vitt you ; nay, 
 begar, you noe serve a me soe. 
 
 Pris. I cannot dance, indeed, sir. 
 
 French. Begarr, me vill have on touch vitt you, 
 metress. 
 
 1 Pren. What ! before all this company, mon- 
 sieur ] 
 
 French. Datt me vill, begarr ! 
 
 Pris. Well, if I must dance, play ' Fortune my 
 Foe.' 
 
 1 Pren. No, ' Sellinger's Round.' We are be- 
 tcinninw the world again. 
 
 French. Me vill have none of dat, me vill have a 
 de corrant of de foot sa saw. Come, metres, lend 
 a me your liand ; courage, courage, metress ! 
 
 [Sings a tune, they dance.
 
 THE RUMl'. 273 
 
 Pris. Well, now, iiidcod, T iiiust be gone, sir. 
 
 French. Begai", me \ ill see }ou to your loging ! 
 piirdon a nioy. 
 
 Pris. By no means, I shall be knock't o' th' head 
 then. 
 
 French. Mee no care for dat, par ma moy, adue ! 
 Jee vou reraercy pour dis boone comi)any. Adue, 
 petit gar.soone. 
 
 Ovines. Adue, monsieur ! 
 
 2 Pren. What are you resolved to do"? Every 
 man to his home, or shall we make a night on't] 
 
 Omnes. A night on't ! a night on't ! 
 
 1 Pren. Come to the next Ijonfire. 
 
 Omnes. To the next bonfire ! to the next bonfire ! 
 [Exeunt, Iwoping and hollowing. 
 
 Enter LocKWHiTE, Stoneware, Huson, and 
 Desbokough. 
 
 Des. We have played our cards fair. 
 
 H\is. I deny it, we have not played our cards 
 fair. 
 
 Stone. Bred, sirs, then yee have plaid them faw, 
 and that's faw ]tlay, geod feath, sirs. 
 
 Lock. A fool had the shuffling of them, the game 
 had gone l)etter else. 
 
 Stone. The faw deel himself was trump, sirs. I 
 think, sirs, wee ha had nee geod luck, sirs, this 
 bout. 
 
 Lock. W^e are lost, sirs ; utterly lost ! 
 
 IIus. No, sir, we are found — caught in a net of 
 our own making. 
 
 Des. Thou wouldst give all the shooes in thy 
 shop to l)e out oft. 
 
 Hm. Is there no remedy, my Lord Lockwhite \ 
 
 Des. No remedy against the king's evil.
 
 274 THE RUMP. 
 
 Stone. Bred, hees no doctor, sirs ; hees my noble 
 Iyer, sirs. 
 
 Hus. Who's Keeper of the Great Seal now 1 
 
 Des. Where will you find your £1000 per annum 
 now. 
 
 Stone. Bred, sirs, doe yee give % do yee give ? 
 , hees gatt nought, sirs, neither of any the gifts I 
 had geen me, geod feath. 
 
 Des. Heark you, Mr. Lawyer, have you e'er a 
 hahulus corpulus to remove us from the storm is 
 coming ] 
 
 Hus. AVith a syssers, razer, or — what a devil do 
 you call it 'i 
 
 Des. You are politick ; will you sell a pennyworth 
 of pollicy, sir ? 
 
 Stone. Bred, he had meere need buy some to save 
 his cregg, sirs. 
 
 Hus. Come, let's leave the law in the lurch, and 
 every man shift for himself. Adue, Mr. Lawyer. 
 
 Des. Adue, Mr. Lawyer. 
 
 Stone. Adue, Mr. Lyer. [Exeunt. 
 
 Lock. How monstrously have I expos'd myself to 
 th' dirty censure of the basest creatures, things 
 never mentioned but with scorn ; and now I am 
 become the thesis unto theirs ! The very cobler 
 reads a lecture to me, and I'm convinc'd, I should 
 amend my manners, and become loyal dictates 
 long before divinity discovered ! There's no sin 
 like that we know, and that we surfeit in. 
 
 Enter Walker. 
 
 JValk. Do you want any pens or ink, pens or 
 ink 1 Will you fence, or will you dance ? What 
 pens and ink do you want, gentlemen ]
 
 THE RUMl*. 2iO 
 
 Enter Pkissitj.A u-Uh her basket of oranges and 
 
 lemons. 
 
 Pris. Fine Civil oranges ! fine lemmnns ! Fine 
 Civil oranges ! fine leninions ! Metliinks it sounds 
 very well. A \n)\ of her tallnessc for mo, no 
 matter ; ne'er repine, wench, thy trade's both 
 pleasant and profitable, and if any gentleman take 
 me up, 1 am still — tine Civil oranges I tine lenimons 
 
 Jralk. Pens or ink ! Pens, pens or ink ! 
 
 Pris. 'Tishe Walker! 
 
 Walk. Pris ! my dear Pris ! 
 
 Pris. Why, how now, Secretary? Thonseestmy 
 words are come to pass, I knew what a lord thou 
 wouldst be. But Fortune's a whore ! 
 
 Jf^'alk. A Avhip takt^ her ! But shall we meet 
 now, Pris 1 
 
 Pris. I think we are met. Walker, although un- 
 hapi>ily. 
 
 U'alk. I mean, upon equal terms. 
 
 Stone. Will you buy a geodly ballad, or a Scott 
 spur, sir 1 Will ye buy a geodly ballad, or a Scott 
 spur, sirs 1 anything to live in this world. Bred, 
 if I should gang intoll my none countrey, my cregg 
 would be stretcht two inches longer then 'tis. AVill 
 yee b\iy a geodly ballad, or a Scott spur, sirs? will 
 a buy a line, a Jack-line, a line, a Jack Bortlam's 
 linel 
 
 Jl'alk. 'Tis the Lord Stoneware ! 
 
 Pris. No more lord then thyself. Walker. Let's 
 have some sport with him. Fine Civil oranges, 
 fine lemmons I Will your lonlship buy any lemmons 
 and oranges ? Fine Civil oranges, fine lemmons ! 
 
 JTalk. Ink or pen.s, ink or pens ! W \\\ your 
 lordship buy any ink or pens for the Committee of 
 Safety 1
 
 276 THE RUMP. 
 
 Stone. Bred a geod, what a whore and a knave 
 is this *? 
 
 Enter Desborough. 
 
 Dcs. Turnips, turnips, turnips hoe ! Did ever 
 lord cry turnips before ? But a pox of lordship ; 
 would I had my old farm over my head again. 
 Turnips, turnips, turnips hoe ! Turn up, mistress, 
 and turn up the maid ; and who buyes my long 
 turnups, ho ! 
 
 Pris. He does it rarely well. Fine oranges ! 
 fine Civil oranges ! fine lemmons ! 
 
 IFalL Ink or pens ! ink or pens for the Lord 
 Desborough ! 
 
 Stone. Bred, 'tis he indeed ; these are witches, 
 sure. How does your geod lady, sir? 
 
 Des. What, my Lord Stoneware 1 
 
 Stone. Ne, bred a geod, I'me ne meere a loord 
 then yer neeneself ; my honoor is in the dust, sir. 
 
 Enter ane-eyed HusoN. 
 
 Hus. Have you any old boots or shoes to mend 1 
 I have helpt to underlay the Grovernment this 
 twenty years, and have been upon the mending 
 hand, but I fear now I shall be brought to my last, 
 and therefore ought to mind my end. Will you 
 buy shoes for brooms, or brooms for shoes 1 
 
 Pris. Or a knave for a whip, or a whip for a 
 knave. Fine Civil oranges, fine lemmons ! 
 
 IFalk. Ink or pens ! ink or pens ! How do you, 
 my lord ? 
 
 Hus. Dost mock me, fellow ] Who are these ? 
 
 Stone. My geod friend ! 
 
 Des. Brother Huson ! and how, and how ]
 
 TUE liU.Ml'. 277 
 
 Hus. And what, and Avliaf? and pox o' that, and 
 tliat. Let's imbrace, ho\v('\ it. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Cromwell, with Boys after her. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. "What kitclion stuffe have you, maids/ 
 Was over princess ])r()nght to such a pass ? "Wliat 
 kitchin stuflV' liave you. maids ? 
 
 Boy. Gammer Cromwell, our maid calls you. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. ^^' here, you rascall 1 
 
 Boy. In my 
 
 Mrs. Crorti. You rogue, do you abuse me ? I 11 
 claw your eyes out. 
 
 [Fliii(fs down her tuh and rims after him. — Exit. 
 
 Enter again presently, and takes itp her tub. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. Oh, Dick ! Dick ! did ever I think 
 to come to this ! What kitchin stutfe have you. 
 maids? have you any kitcliin stutle, maids ? 
 
 Pris. Fine Civil oranges, fine lemmons I Will 
 your ladyship l>uy any oranges and lemmons ? 
 
 Mrs. Crom. Dost thou mock me, bagage I I'll l)c 
 at thee presently. 
 
 jralk. No, indeed, she does not ; 'tis Pris, my 
 Lady Bcrtlam's woman, and I am ^^'alk(■l•, her 
 secretary. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. How ! thou hast walkt fair indeed. 
 Where is her highncsse now ] 
 
 Fri^. They say she intends to cry fresh cheese 
 and cream. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. She has brought lu-r hogs to a f;iir 
 market. 
 
 y///.N. And so we have all, methinks. 
 
 Mrs. Crom. What, art thou there too ?
 
 278 THE llUMl'. 
 
 Stone. Bred, an I'se here ta, and my geod Loord 
 Desborougli ; hred a geod, heere's eene a jolly com- 
 pany. _ . 
 
 Mrs. Cro'in. It somewhat palliates my miserie, 
 that in afflictions you like sharers he. 
 
 Prk. Come, let's mind our business, words are 
 but wind. Fine Civil oranges, fine lemmons ! 
 
 IValk. Ink or pens, ink or pens ! Will you buy 
 any ink or pens 'i \_Exit. 
 
 Stone. Will yee buy a geodly ballad, or a Scott 
 spurr ! Will yee buy a Jack-line, a Jack Bertlam's 
 line, or a line for a Jack a Bertlam. [Exit. 
 
 Des. Turnips, turnips, turnips, hoe ! Turn up, 
 mistress ; and turn up, maid ; and turn up, my 
 cousin, and be not afraid of a long, long red turn- 
 up, ho ! [.Exit. 
 
 Hus. Boots or shoes, boots or shoes to mend ! 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Mrs. Croni. What kitchin stuffe have you, maids ] 
 what kitchin stuffe have you, maids % [Exit. 
 
 Enter Lockwhite. 
 
 Lock I am a poor lawyer, gentlemen, and can 
 show you leijcrdemain for your money; no hocus pocas 
 like me. I have two hands, neither of them dis- 
 abled from taking fees. Have you any causes to 
 split ■? for that's my doom ; my bag is a receptacle 
 for them. 1 am for that cause brings me most 
 profit, be it good or be it bad ; but, indeed, have 
 been better experienced in the bad, and now 
 would fain follow the good cause, and turn honest. 
 But a man shall hardly grow rich then, you'll say, 
 and then 'twill vex a man.
 
 THE RUMl'. 1'79 
 
 Howe'er, I'll try't ; for, to my pricf, I find 
 Riches ill gut do scatter with the wind. 
 
 Have you any work lor a poor houbt-U lawyer i 
 for a poor, honest lawyer. 1 am your next man, 
 gentleman. 
 
 Ambition and base avarice, adue ! 
 
 Hovve'er your glory's seen, tlx'}' are not true.
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 'Tis done ; and now to censure. But be just, 
 Th' Author s name's committed to your trust. 
 You have here in a mirrour seen the crimes 
 Of the late pageantry changeling times. 
 Let me survey your brows ; — they are serene, 
 Not clouded, or disturb'd with what y'ave seen ! 
 None whose grand guilt appears toucht to the quick 
 And in revenge would 'gainst their mirrour kick. 
 Nor in a corner can I one descry 
 Sneaking, that dare give Bellarmine the lie ; 
 So that we do conclude the Author's fear 
 Is now remov'd ; there's no phanatick here. 
 You are a glorious presence, clear as day, 
 And innocent as buds that sprout in May. 
 'Tis you must gild our hemisphere, and give 
 A life to us who willingly would live. 
 Then, if you please to grant us our request, 
 Signe us your servants, and we'll do our best.
 
 APPEXDIX TO TXTRODUCTOKY XOTICE. 
 
 Great obscurity exists as to the subsequent career of Major- 
 Geiicral Lambert, who was uiioii tlie 14th June 1662 con- 
 victed of higli treason with Sir Henry Vane, and sentenced 
 to death with him, but who was banished to the island of 
 Jersey, " where he remained till his d(>ath, which happened 
 about thirty yeais after," whilst Sir Henry was executed on 
 Tower Hill. What became of Lady Lambert has not been 
 ascertained. 
 
 In the last edition of firainger there is this entry : " Lam- 
 bert " sitting ' ' painting. Se ipse pinxit. J. Smith, fecit. " 
 I was credibly informed by one of the family residing in 
 Oxfordshire, and wlio is in possession of the original pic- 
 tures, that it is General Lambert. It certainly is not Lambert 
 the landscape painter, as classed in Bromley. Then follows 
 this nutandum : " Major-General Lambert took up his pencil 
 for his amusement, after Cromwell had wrested his sword 
 from his hand. He painted flowers, which lie was fond of 
 cultivating. He is supposed to have learned his art of Bap- 
 tist Gaspara. "* That tiie General was a cultivator of flowers 
 is undoubted ; l)ut if the assertion of his lieiiig a jjainter is 
 correct, it is the only instance of any of Cromwell's generals 
 having a taste for the fine arts. 
 
 This much is obvious, that the fall of Lambert removed one 
 obstacle in the path of Monk, who had, in his progress south, 
 begun to ascertain the state of opinion in the north of Eng- 
 land, and the general feeling in tliat ])art of the country as 
 to the position of the self-constituted rulers of the land, 
 which was anything but favourable, and that the general feel- 
 ing was for a. free Parliament. At Leicester, in his march to 
 London, he was met by two spies of the Kump, specially 
 sent to dissuade him from encouraging in any way the gene- 
 ral desire for a free Parliament. These worthy representa- 
 tives of their tyrannical masters were deceived by Monk, who, 
 to use a common Scottish adage, " was not so green as cab- 
 bage like, "and the result of their communings was to obtain 
 from the Rumjiers an order for the removal of the soldiers in 
 London, in order that tliere might be no collision between 
 
 • London, 1824, vol. iv. p. 72. 
 T
 
 282 APPENDIX. 
 
 tliem and the army from Scotland to support tlie rulers that 
 were, and to ojipose the machinations of the factious portion 
 of the citizens. Tliis requisition was without hesitation 
 ai'ceded to, and the trooi)s from the north quietly took the 
 places previously occupied hy those of the south. 
 
 In this manner Monk entered London at the end of Jan- 
 Tiary, and what followed can best he described by two con- 
 temporary writers, evidently unknown to each other, but 
 both concurring in almost every particular. The two autho- 
 rities referred to are John Aubrey, Escp, a well-known anti- 
 ([uary, who was in London when Monk arrived, and wiiose 
 biogi'aphical accounts of men of eminence of his time 
 were made for the use of Anthony-a-AVood, and have been 
 printed from the original mss. in the valuable collection of 
 letters in the Bodleian Liljrary, in three volumes, 1813, 8vo. 
 The first extract is from the " Life of Monk." 
 
 "Oliver, Protectok, had a great mind to have him home, 
 and sent him a fine complementall letter, that he desired 
 him to come into England to advise with him. He sent his 
 Highnesse word that if he pleased he would come and wait 
 upon him at the head of 10,000 men. So that designe was 
 spoyled. Anno 1659-60, Feb. 10th (as I remember), he came 
 into London with his army about one o'clock P.M., he being 
 then sent for by the Parliament to disband Lambert's armie. 
 Shortly after he was .sent for to the Parliament House, where 
 in the House a chaii'e was sett for him, but he would not in 
 modesty .sitt downe in it. The Parliament (Runqie) made 
 him odious to the citie jiurposely, by pulling down and 
 burning their gates (which I myself sawe). The Kumpers 
 invited him to a great dinner, Februar, shortly after, from 
 whence it was never intended that he should have returned.* 
 The members stayed till 1, 2, 3, 4 o'clock ; but at last liis 
 Excellency sent them word that he could not come. I be- 
 lieve he su.spected some treachery."! 
 
 Further on Aubrey continues : ' ' Thredneedle Street was 
 all day long and late at night crammed with multitudes 
 crying out A Free Parliament! a Free ParUament! that 
 the air rang with their noi.ses. One day, viz. February 1, 
 
 * In a note Aubrey says, " Of this I am assured by one of 
 tliat Parliament." 
 
 t The Piumpe of "a house" wms the wooden invention of 
 General P.rowne (a woodmonger). — Axjukky. Letter.^ from 
 Bodleian Librarif. vol. iii. Loudon, ?<vo, p. l.J4.
 
 APPENDIX. 283 
 
 he connii<,' out on lioisebai-k, tlicy were so violent tliat he 
 was almost alVayd of hiniselfe, and so to satisfy them (as 
 tliey use to ilo importunate children), Pray he quiet, you 
 nhall have a free Parliament. This about seven, or rather 
 eight, as 1 remember, at night, immediately a loud holla 
 and shout was given, all the bells in the eity ringing, and 
 the whole city lookeil as if it had been in a flame by the 
 bonfires, which were prodigiously great and frei^uent, and 
 ran like a train over the city, and I sawe some balconies 
 that began to be kindled. They made little gibbets and 
 roasted rumps of mutton. Nay, I saw some very good 
 rnmpes of beaf. Health to King Charles ir. was drank in 
 the .streets, by lionlires, even on their knees ; and this 
 humour ran by the next night to Salisbury, where was the 
 like joy ; and so to C'halke, where they made a great bonfire 
 on the top of the hill ; and from thence to Blandford and 
 Shaftesbury, and so to the Land's End ; and perhaps it was 
 so over all England. So that the return of His Most 
 th-acious Majesty was by the hand of God." 
 
 Next comes the statement of Pepys, whose Diary is onvii 
 e-cc-jjiione major. Vol. i. p. 24. — " Met Monk coming out of 
 the chamber where he had been with the Lord Mayor and 
 aldermen; but such a shout I never heard in all "my life, 
 crying out, ' God bless your Excellence ! ' Here I met 
 with Mr. Lock, and took him to an ale-house ; and when 
 we were come together, he told us the substance of the letter 
 that went from Monk to the Parliament, wherein, after 
 complaints that he and his oftieers were put upon such 
 oHices against the city as they could not do with any content 
 oi' honour, it stated that there are many members of the 
 House that were of the late tyrannical Committee of Safety ; 
 that Lambert and Vane are now in town, contrary to the 
 vote of Parliament ; that many in the House do press for 
 new oaths to be put upon men, whereas we have more 
 cause to be sorry for the many oaths that we have already 
 taken and broken ; that the late petition of the fanatiqu'e 
 p<'ople, presented by Barebones, for the imposing of an oath 
 upon all .sorts of people, was received by the House with 
 thanks ; that therefore he did desire that all WTits for 
 tilling up of the House be issued by Friday next, and that 
 in the meantime he would retire into the city, and only 
 leave them guards for the security of the House and Council. 
 The occasion of this was the order that he had last night 
 to go into the city and disarm them, and take away their
 
 284 APPENDIX. 
 
 charter, whereby he and his officers said that the House had 
 had a mind to put them upon things that shouhl make them 
 odious, and so it would be in their power to do what tliey 
 wouhl with them. We were tokl that the Parliament had 
 sent Scott and Piobinson* to Monk this afternoon, Init Ik- 
 would not hear them ; and that tlie mayor and aldermen 
 had offered their own houses for himself and his officers, 
 and that his soldiers would lack for nothing. And, indeed, 
 I saw many people give the soldiers drink and money, and 
 all along the streets cried, ' God bless them !' and extra- 
 ordinary good words. Hence we went to a merchant's 
 house hard by, where I saw Sir Nich. Crisp, and so we went 
 to the Star Tavern (Monk being then at Benson's). In 
 Cheapside there was a great many bonfires, and Bow bell 
 and all the bells in all the churches as we went home were 
 a-rinoing. Hence we went homewards, it being about 
 ten at night. But the common joy that was everywhere to 
 be seen ! the number of bonfires ! there being fourtei'U 
 between St. Dunstan's and Temple Bar, and at Strand- 
 bridge I could at one time tell thirty-one fires ; in King 
 Street seven or eight ; and all along burning and roasting 
 and drinking for rumps, there being rumps tied upon sticks 
 and carried up and down. The butchers at the Maypole in 
 the Strand rang a peal with their knives ^^■hen they were 
 going to sacrifice their rumps. On Ludgate Hill there was 
 one turning of the spit that had a rump tied upon it, and 
 another basting of it. Indeed, it was past imagination 
 both the greatness and the suddenness of it. At one end of 
 the street you would think there was a whole lane of fire, 
 and so hot that we were fain to keep on the farther side." 
 
 It must have been in February or March 1659-60 that 
 the comedy was originally performed, and it could not have 
 been brought out at a more suitable time than when the 
 London citizens, Ulcerated from the tyranny of their rulers, 
 were giving such decisive evidence of their joy. The exhibi- 
 tion of Fleetwood, Lambert, their wives, and the leading 
 members of the Kunip, on the stage, could not fail to ensure 
 the success of the piece, and materially aid the Eoyalist 
 party. 
 
 * These were the same individuals that had been sent to 
 Monk at Leicester. Scott was originally an attorney, and had 
 accumulated considerable wealth. He was executed after the 
 Restoration as a regicide. Kobinson appears to have escaped.
 
 THE CHARACTER OF THE RUMP. 
 
 l.ONDON : 
 
 rillXTED IN THE YEAR THAT THE SAINTS ARE 
 DISAPPOINTED, IGGO.
 
 THE CHAKACTKK OF TIIK lU'MP. 
 
 A IJL'.Ml' i.s tlie liiiiik-r i);iil of tlie iiiany-lieaded 
 beast, the back-door of the devil's ai'se a peake, 
 tyranny and rcbelHon ending in a stink, the State's 
 incubus, a crab Connnonwealtli with the Init-end 
 tbrmost ; 'tis a town-diteh swelling above the walls, 
 a sink taking possession of the whole house, the 
 humours left behind after the substance of the 
 body })olitic is i)urg'd away by the devil's potions, 
 the tumour of the breech, Canimis apetltu^ in 
 ano, the epilogue grown greater than the play, 
 the close of the will crept into the place of iu 
 nrnnlne Dei, A mm, the whore of Babylon with her 
 arse upwards ; — 'tis like a comet which is all tail, 
 and ]iortends no lesse mischief, or you may call it 
 the tail of the great dragon, and 'tis a thumi)er, 
 for the devil's tail in Chaucer, being stuck in this, 
 would look but like a maggot in a tub of tallow, 
 and yet he saith — 
 
 " That certainly Sathanas hath sudi a tail. 
 Broader than of a pinnace is the sail." 
 
 If you would reach me the equator, or rather 
 one of the trojiiques, 1 would give a shrewd guesse 
 at its abominable bignesse. But 'tis best measured 
 with the sword, as there is one hath done it to my 
 hands — Saint Grotr/c kill'd the dragon, but Gi'orqr 
 Mumh kill'd the dragon's tail. 'Tis pity to blurr 
 this sheet with its prodigious nature, unlesse we 
 mean to make it a winding-sheet for their Rump-
 
 288 THE CIIAKACTER OF THE RUMP. 
 
 ships, but that is neecllesse ; for they have another 
 scene to act, under the gallowes, it being just 
 they should corrui:)t the aire being dead, that made 
 it their businesse to oppresse the earth whilest they 
 were living. Its mother is rebellion, and the devil 
 its reported father ; but the truth is, it owes its 
 first being to the Pope, w^ho that time made the 
 devil a cuckold ; folly and self-interest were its 
 nurses, but the noble General Brown was its god- 
 father. 'Tis observ'd that Pride first rais'd them, 
 and pride it was that gave them their first fall ; 
 when NolU like an exjiert mountebank, gave them 
 a glister of opium, which made the Speaker dumb, 
 and (oh, w^onder !) kept Sir Artlmr's everlasting 
 wag-tail'd tongue quiet, and put them all into a 
 sleep, Avhich would have lasted till doomsday if 
 the rustling of a Lamb-heard had not awakened 
 them. But they have had a nap since, and besides 
 that, the symptomes of death are now upon them ; 
 for by the violence of a Scotch potion they are 
 become stark mad, and every day are about to 
 destroy themselves. The only cordial which is left 
 them is the hopes of a Commonwealth, and there 
 can be no restorative but an army of sectaries. 
 Their physic hitherto hath bin only purging, but 
 because the matter of the disease is a masse of 
 earth (King's and other's lands) lying upon their 
 consciences, the noble Monrh is providing them 
 a vomit, Avhicli, with an aymidett of hemp to be 
 tied about their necks, w-ill render them perfectly 
 cured. An ingenious person hath observed, that 
 Scot is the Hump's man Thomas, and they might 
 have said to him when he was so busy Avith the 
 fJeneral — 
 
 "Peace for the Lord's sake, Tlioinas, lest Moiick take ns, 
 And dra" us out as Hercules did Cacus."
 
 IflK (HARACTKR (»r 11 IK IIUMI'. 2K9 
 
 l^>ut John MlUiDi is tlieir goose-quill champion, 
 who h:ul need of a help meet to establish any 
 thing, for he has a Kamshead, and is good only at 
 I'attcriei^, an old herctick both in religion and 
 manners, that l)y his will would shake olf his 
 governours, as he doth his wives, foure in a fourt- 
 night. The sunbeams of his scan<lalous papers 
 against the late King's l)Ook is the parent that 
 begot his late new Commonwealth ; and because 
 he, like a parasite as he is, by iiattering the then 
 tyrannical powtM-, hath run himself into the bryers. 
 tiie man will be angry if the rest of the nation 
 will not bear him company, and suffer themselves 
 to be decoyed into the same condition. He is so 
 much an enemy to usual practices, that I believe 
 when he is condemned to travel to T>/hurn in a 
 cart, he will petition for the favour to be the first 
 man that ever Avas driven thither in a wheel- 
 barrow'. And now-, John, you must stand close and 
 draw in your elbows, that Needham, the Common- 
 wealth's Didapei-, may have room to stand by 
 you. This is a Mercury Avith a winged conscience, 
 the skip-jack of all fortunes, that, like a shuttle-cock, 
 drive him which way you will, falls still with the 
 cork end forwards ; the Kump's trumpeter, being 
 he that first found out the way to make a fart 
 sound in paper ; a rare fellow at funerall orations, 
 witness his eloijuent shreds in praise of that devil 
 incarnate, King-killing llnuhhav: ; a brazen face 
 that dares lay his excrements under the nose of 
 the whole world, and hath less wit than the 
 country-man, who, ])utting down his breeches in 
 the open streets, turned his buttocks to the com- 
 ])any, because they were not so well known as his 
 face. He was one of the spokes of Harrington's 
 Itotii, till he w;is turne(l out for cracking. As lor
 
 290 THE ClIAllACTEU OF THE RUMP. 
 
 Harrington, he's but a demy-semy in tlie Kumjj's 
 musick, and should bee good at the cymball, for lie 
 is all for wheeling instruments, and, having a good 
 invention, may in time finde out the way to make 
 a Consort of Grindstones. He hath oceans in his 
 head, wdiich, if he take not heed, will deluge his 
 other parts. He is no common man, for such he 
 sayes can onely feele and not see, but the next 
 summer he will see his errours first, and then feele 
 the smart of them. Would any man in his witts 
 (think he) renounc't his own present interest and 
 possession, to be at the curtesy of others for 
 another portion or inheritance. The people of 
 England have lived happily even to the envy of 
 others under Regall Government ; they knew their 
 own rights and native priviledges. Shall they sur- 
 render these, and cancel their present happinesse 
 wdiich they are sure of, for the expectance of a 
 better condition at the will and pleasure of new 
 masters, upon the onely security of Mr. Harring- 
 ton's romantick Commonwealth l That the new 
 senators will do all they can to keep the people in 
 slavery, and to support their owne authority, is 
 strongly to be presumed from the fresh example of 
 the late monopolizers at jresfiiiinsfer ; and if they 
 should doe so, what better remedy have the free- 
 borne people of England, than Mr. Harrington had 
 against him that say'd his Oceana was a strumpet ( 
 He may know that if there were any inconvenience 
 (as no Government is perfect), yet it is prudence 
 rather to suffer a stone ill-placed in the foundation 
 (tliough it be an eye-sore) to lye unmoved, than, by 
 endeavouring to pluck it out, endanger the whole 
 Iniilding. How many new lawes have been madn 
 in this nation, with full and delil)erate advise of 
 the three estates for the benefit of the Common-
 
 THE CHARACTER OF THE RUMP. 2'J 
 
 WL-alth, wlicn yuX timo ami expcriciici', the toiicli- 
 stuiies of truth, liavc found them inconvenient 
 afterwards, and given occasion of their repeale in 
 subsequent Parhaments ! Have not many men 
 applauded themselves with the beautifull figure of 
 a house drawne in paper, when the materiall build- 
 ing framed after the modell liath deluded their 
 hopes, and given repentance instead of satisfaction ? 
 Surely Mr. Harrington did not copy any of his 
 lines out of the book of fate ; therefore there is no 
 necessity but that it may be subject to the inci- 
 dents of other projects, whereof not one in a 
 thousand but have eni;a";ed the untakers in intinit 
 more troubles and vexations than were at first 
 foreseen. I shall say no more of him, but desire 
 him to recant in time, least he be estemed here- 
 after but the Rump of a Polititian. The Kump 
 had no mouth but that of their Speaker, which is 
 not very big, but hath spoke a horrible deale of 
 treason in his dayes. Its arms have extended 
 through the whole three nations, and at last 
 whipt their own politick breech ; but I think it 
 wants the propagating part ever since Noll 
 eunuch't it, so that no Kump can be borne such. 
 They must be framed by art, and the receipt of 
 their composition you will fin<l in the following 
 lines, copied from Sir Arthur Haslerigg's own 
 manuscript : — 
 
 " Hew out a statue from Mount Caucasus, 
 Big as the Colosse in the Lsle of Hhoiles ; 
 Then atUle a brazen t'aee ami iron hands, 
 A poisonous vijier's lu>art anil k'ntliern lungs. 
 A tongue of bell-nu'ttal, and ostrich stoniauk 
 To digest iron. Let his leggs and feet 
 15e made c)f (|uieksilver lialf fixt, and when 
 His outward mend)ers are by curious art 
 Fram'd out in such dreadful proportions,
 
 29-2 THE CHARACTER OF THE RUMP. 
 
 Tliea let the Furies, in hell's dark alembeek, 
 With (lainued chyini.stry extract the spirits 
 Of secret treason, cursed sacriledge, 
 Black murder and false-hearted perjury, 
 Pride, hatred, lust, and swinish luxury. 
 Fraud, drunkennesse, oppression, and the rest 
 < )f the hlack progeny of vice ; and with 
 The quintessence of these, being sublimated 
 Unto the height of wickedness, inform 
 The ugly mass with a more ugly soul. 
 And that the monster may not want a name, 
 Say lie's a Kumper, and we'll saj' the same." 
 
 According to Aubrey, Charles the First " loved " 
 the company of Harrington, " only he could not 
 endure to hear of a Commonwealth ; and Mr. 
 Harrington passionately loved His Majestie." He 
 was on the scaffold with the King when he was 
 beheaded ; " and I have oftentimes heard him speak 
 of King Charles I. with the greatest zeal and pas- 
 sion, and that his death gave him so greate griefe 
 that he contracted a disease by it." His Majesty 
 presented him and " Herbert the traveller," who 
 Avas also present on the scaifold, with watches.* 
 
 We omitted to notice that Mrs. Behn, in 1 682, 
 produced at the Duke's Theatre The Roundhead ; 
 or, The Good Old Cause — a comedy, in Avhich she has 
 made great use of 21ie Bump. The prologue is 
 " spoken by the ghost of Huson, ascending from 
 Hell drest as a cobler." The epilogue, by Lady 
 De.sbro. It is like most of the writer's plays, 
 very amusing. 
 
 * See Letters in Bixllclan Library, etc., vol. iii. p. 370, for 
 further particulars as to the author of.tbe Oceana.
 
 LON DON'S GLORY, 
 
 REPRESENTED BV 
 
 TIME, TRUTH, AND F A M E, 
 
 AT THE MAGNIFICENT TRIUMPHS AND EXTESTAINMENT OK HIS 
 MOST SACRED MAJESTY 
 
 CHARLES I I., 
 
 Till:; DUKE OF CiLOUCESTER, THE TWO HOUSES OF 
 PARLIAMENT, PRIVY COUKCIL, JUDGES, ETC. 
 
 At llttihiluill, on Thursdaji, heing the 5th day of July ICCO, and in the 
 12th year of hin Majesty's most happy reign. 
 
 TOliETHEK WITH THE ORDER AND MANAGEMENT OF THE WHOLE 
 DAY'S BUSINESS. 
 
 Published according to Order.
 
 TO Tin-; Tiin.v iioxiirRKi) 
 S i H T II < > .M A S A L K V X. K X 1 C [I T, 
 
 LOUD MAYOll (IF IIIK CITV OF LONDON. 
 
 My Li»ri). — I h;i(l the honour to serve you iu the 
 celebration of your Companies' love, the 2'Jth of October 
 hist, and from thence derive a boldness to present vou 
 with the I'lpitoniL' of this day's business. My lord, as 
 your loyalty hath been great, your joy cannot be little, 
 nor your happiness less, that the hand of Providence in 
 the time of your magistracy sliould restore our most 
 gracious and undoulited Sovereign to his just (though 
 long deprived) riglits. This being committed to chronicle, 
 nuist necessarily render yuu eminent to posterity, and 
 make your honour firm, which before was subject to be 
 lilown away by the breath of malice and detraction. 
 Pardon the presumption (my lord) if 1 subscribe my- 
 self, the humblest of your servants, 
 
 J. Tatiia.m. 
 
 To II ii; Kkadeh. 
 
 Reader, — I have omitted some passages, in regard 
 they might have prov'd too tedious, and my time was 
 limited. If it want illustration, excuse the surprisall. 
 which, as it was sudtlcu, took me unprepared. J^ut I 
 confess I am highly oblige 1 to a pei-son of worth for his 
 notes, of whom I likewise beg pardon if I have 
 digress'd in any thing.
 
 29G L(jnl)un's gloev. 
 
 Timk's Speech. 
 
 Most Sacred Sir, 
 
 Time, on his bended knee, your pardon craves. 
 
 Having been made a property to slaves, 
 
 A stalking horse uuto their horrid crimes: 
 
 Yet when things went not well the fault was Time's. 
 
 My fore-top held by violence, not right, 
 
 Dy"d the sun's cheeks with blood, defil'd the light : 
 
 Tliat all men thought tliey eas'd their misery 
 
 If they could but securely rail on me. 
 
 These clamours troubled Time, who streight grew sick 
 
 With discontents, as touch'd unto the quick ; 
 
 And so far spent 'twas thought he could not mend, 
 
 Rather grow worse and worse ; all wish'd his end. 
 
 Nay, was concluded dead, and, worst of all, 
 
 AVith many a curse they peal'd his funeral. 
 
 Now see the change : since your arrival here 
 
 Time is reviv'd, and nothing thought too dear 
 
 That is con^um'd upon him ; ne'er was he 
 
 So lov'd and pray'd for since his infancy. 
 
 Such is the vertual fervour of your beams. 
 
 That not obliquely but directly streams 
 
 Upon your subjects ; so the glorious sun 
 
 Gives gTOwth to th' infant plants he smiles upon. 
 
 Welcome, great Sir, untcf your people's love, 
 
 Who breathe their very souls forth as you move. 
 
 Their long and tedious suff'rings do express, 
 
 'Till now they ne'er had sense of bles^sedness. 
 
 The checr'd-up citizens cease to complain, 
 
 Having receiv'd their cordial Soveraign. 
 
 Among tbe rest the Skinners' Company 
 
 Crowd to express their sense of loyalty. 
 
 And those born deaf and dumb, and can but see. 
 
 Make their hands speak Laig live your Majesty : 
 
 Whose royal presence cures the Avounded State, 
 
 Re-gilds Time's coat, and gives a turn to Fate.
 
 London's glory. i'O, 
 
 Truth's Speech. 
 
 Most Guacious Sovekaign, 
 
 [^Kneels, 
 Jiouiul by allegiance, Truth, daughter to Time 
 (Long since abus'd), welcomes you to this clime, 
 Your native soyle, to which you have been long 
 A stranger. Now Truth should not want a tongue ; 
 Although she hath been niurder'd by report, 
 Siie's now camp-royal and attends your court ; 
 And as, in rules of strict divinity, 
 He that desires the Judge's clemency 
 Must first conilenm himself, and so prepare 
 His way for pardon, "tis your kiugdonie's care ; 
 Who do confess, whilst other nations strove 
 Which should be happiest in your princely love, 
 Were so insensible of that blest heat, 
 A pulse they wanted loyalty to beat ; 
 With penitential tears they meet your palnie, 
 Siiewing a loyal tempest in a calme. 
 Tiien from your rayes of majesty they do 
 Derive such joy speaks no less wonder too. 
 Children that hardly heard of such a thing 
 Now frequently do cry God bless the Ki";/ ; 
 Nay, though their damned sires instructed them 
 To hate the cask'net, yet they'll love the gem. 
 Such is your radices that you refine 
 Sublunar things to species more divine. 
 You have new coyn'd all hearts, and there imprest 
 Your image, which gives vigour to the rest 
 Of their late stupid faculties, that now 
 They'll pass for current, and true subjects grow. 
 Tir untainted Clothiers' Company, by me 
 Their instrument, pray for your Majesty : 
 May you live long and hapjjy, and encrease 
 For ever crown the harvest of your peace, 
 Since graciously you have deceiv'tl our fears, 
 Instead of wars i)rought musick of the spheres. 
 
 U
 
 298 LONDON'S GLORY. 
 
 Fame's Spekch. 
 
 Most Mighty Sih, 
 
 l^Kneeh. 
 Fame, that ne'er left you at the worst essay, 
 Welcomes you home, and glorifies this day. 
 You whose blest innocence and matchless mind 
 Could ne'er be stain'd or any wayes confin'd, 
 Has stood the shock of Fortune's utmost hate, 
 And yet your courage did outdare your fate, 
 That even those fiends (for sure none else could be 
 Your enemies) admir'd your constancy, 
 Commending that they most did envy ; so 
 Against their wills your fame did greater grow. 
 And when those miscreants 'gainst you did prepare. 
 And thought you sure, your wisdom broke the snare. 
 'Twas strange that through the cloud none could descry 
 A spark of that fulness of majesty. 
 Hut Heav'n, that orders all things as it list, 
 Shut up their eyes in an Egyptian mist. 
 You have past many labyrinths, are return'd 
 Now to your people, who long time have mourn'd 
 The want of your vi^arm beanis ; they have not known 
 A sommer since your father left his throne, 
 That like th' benum'd Muscovians they now run, 
 With eager haste, to meet their rising sun ; 
 And if the rout in uproar chance to be, 
 It can't be judg'd but loyal mutiny ; 
 Since that you do their golden times revive. 
 They to express a joyful salve strive. 
 Blest Prince, thrice welcome is tlie general cry, 
 And in that speaks the Grocers' Company, 
 To which the present Mayor a brother is. 
 Whose loyalty finds happiness in this, 
 This royal change. Fame now shall spread his wing, 
 And of your after glories further sing ; 
 Since in your self you are a history, 
 A volume bound up for eternity.
 
 L(»ndon's glorv. 201) 
 
 The Ordek and Management of tiii: whole Day's 
 Blsiness. 
 
 The chamber windows and penthouses to be covered 
 with tapistrie, or such hangings :us may gloriiie the day. 
 
 The streets, from the south end of the Old Jury to 
 Temple Bar, are railed on both sides the way where 
 convenieney will permit ; the several Companies in their 
 livery gowns and hoods, with banners and streamers, 
 lane the streets, in expectation of his Majestie's approach, 
 from the Great Conduit to Temple Bar. 
 
 The Lord Mayor, Aldermen, and their retinue, are all 
 mounted and divided into two bodies ; several choice 
 persons out of the several liveries in plush coats and gold 
 chains ride also. 
 
 The gentlemen of the artillery compleatly armed. 
 
 Threescore and twelve of the Sheriffs officers mounted 
 in scarlet cloaks, and javelins in their hands, divided 
 into a van and rear-guard from and to Whitehall. 
 
 The main body is ranked out two by two, consisting 
 of the two city marshals and their twelve attendants ; 
 eight waits in scarlet-coloured jackets, with the citie's 
 badge on their sleeves, and cloaks with silver lace ; one 
 quartermaster, .Mr. , carrying the great 
 
 banner of England; after him 26 gentlemen of the black 
 robe, that is to say, beginning with the two secondaries, 
 and ending with the common Serjeants. 
 
 Then the city waits in their gowns and silver chains, 
 one quartermaster, one conductor; the connnon-hunt 
 carrying the King's great btmuer, ami tlie water baililt 
 on the left hand of him, carrying the citie's banner ; 
 after them the town clerk, and Mr. Chamberlain, the 
 counnon cryer and sword-bearer ; after them the Lord 
 Mayor and Court of Aldermen. 
 
 Then six trumpets and one kettledrum, one quarter- 
 master, one couducter, Mr. Bromley carrying the banner 
 with the crest of the King's arms, Mr. Burt on the left 
 hand of him carrying the citie's pendent, and in the 
 reer of them one carries a pendent with the Grocers' 
 arms; in the reer of him ;5:^ gentlemen of the said
 
 300 London's glory. 
 
 Company ; and then follows 298 gentlemen of the other 
 11 Companies, placed according to their degree : between 
 each of the said Companies is ordered 4 trumpets, one of 
 them carrying a pendent with their arms. 
 
 Note that the Grocers, Skinners, Merchant-Taylore, and 
 Cloth -Workers have each of them .')2 select gentlemen 
 to ride, the rest of the Companies but 24. 
 
 Then of the other 12 Companies, consisting of 156 
 gentlemen, besides 28 trumpets, 12 pendant -bearers, 
 that is to say, one pendant-bearer and two trumpets 
 between Company and Company, only the head of the 
 Dyers' Company have 6 trumpets, and being the first of 
 that division have a quartermaster, Mr. Alexander carry- 
 ing the Scottish banner, and Mr. Knight carrying a 
 pendant therein. 
 
 Then ten other of the Companies, of which the Sadlers' 
 being chief, have 6 trumpets, the other nine Companies 
 but two a piece. To this division is appointed 10 pen- 
 dant-bearers, and one quartermaster, Mr. Bancroft carry- 
 ing the Irish banner, Mr. Blinkensop carrying a pendant 
 with the citie's arms, and 1G4 gentlemen in plush coats 
 following. 
 
 The seventh division consists of the Sheriff's officers 
 aforesaid, with trumpets in the front of them. 
 
 The eighth is the gentlemen of the artillery-ground, 
 who fall in the reer of the Sheriff's officers. 
 
 The several bodies being drawn out, the officers of the 
 Poultrey lead the van after them. 
 
 Tlie gentlemen of the artillery after them. 
 
 The divisions of the black robe after them. 
 
 The Lord Mayor and aldermen's servitors. 
 
 After them the three divisions of citizens in plush 
 coats, &c., beginning with the Grocers' Company, and 
 so follow in order ; the officers of AYood Street counter 
 being the reer-guard. 
 
 Tn this order and equipage the whole body moves 
 through the Old Jury, Cheapside, Paul's Churchyard,
 
 I.U.NDU.N'.S ULOUV. 301 
 
 I-iiilj,'ate, and so to Wliitc-hall, the <rt'ntk'inen of the 
 artillery groiuid gnardiiij^ one side of the way, and the 
 gentlemen of the long robe the other, through which 
 the Lord Mayor and ahiernien with their retinue pass to 
 Whitehall ; the elder aldermen face about, and the cham- 
 berlain, town clerk, sword - bearer, common cryer, 
 common hunt, water-bailiff, &c., march up to the head 
 of the youngest aldermen, and there place themselves. 
 
 The gentlemen of the artillery, and poultrey counter, 
 poultrey ollicers quit their ground, and fall in the reer 
 of the Wood Street officers, &c. 
 
 His Majesty, attended with the Lords of the Upper 
 House, the Commons in Parliament, Lords of his Majestie's 
 most honourable Privy Councel, barons, viscounts, earls, 
 marquisses, and dukes, the Lord Mayor, Lord Chamber- 
 lain, Lord Cliancellor, the Lord Treasurer, the highly 
 accomplished princos the Dukes of Vork and Glocester, 
 takes his way for (iuildhall, and at Fleet Street Conduit 
 makes a stand, where he is received by a person repre- 
 senting Time in a very glorious pageant, who addresseth 
 himself to his Majesty on his knee in the manner afore- 
 said. 
 
 And so his Majesty, the two dukes, and the rest of the 
 noble retinue and gentlemen, pass on to Paul's Church- 
 yard, where they are intertained by another pageant, 
 very much ami)lified and adorned, in which is seateil 
 Truth, who maketh her address as aforesaid. 
 
 Another pageant presents its self at Foster Lane, being 
 a large and goodly fabrick, a trumpetter placed on the 
 top, where it wjis intended Fame should speak ; but at 
 the Great Conduit in Cheapside, Fame presents her speech. 
 
 At Paul's Chain is another pageant in the nature of a 
 droll, where is presented the figure of Industry, and the 
 Canlers and Spinners, in relation to the Clothiers" Com- 
 pany. 
 
 At Cheapside Crosse another droll, where Pretty and 
 the tumblers play their tricks. 
 
 A lane made from the north-west corner of the Little 
 Conduit toward the Great Conduit as aforesaid, through 
 which the whole body pass, consisting of the gentlemen
 
 302 LONDON'S GLORY. 
 
 of the black robe and aldermen, into Guildhall yard 
 The Sheriff's officers dismount at the north end of St. 
 Lawrence Lane, delivering their horses to be convey'd 
 towards Wood Street, in order to his Majestie's retreat 
 after dinner, and themselves betake them to their several 
 services in the hall. 
 
 The Peers and Commons dismount at Guildhall gate, 
 and by the conductors are directed to their several 
 roomes for entertainment. Their coaches are driven 
 through Aldermanbury, Cripplegate, White Cross Street, 
 Finsbury, &c., in regard of their number. 
 
 The Lord Mayor, Lord Chamberlain, Lord Chancellor, 
 Lord High Steward, Lord Treasurer, the two Dukes, and 
 liis Majesty ride up to the porch of the hall before they 
 light. 
 
 Carpets are spread from the hall door to the retiring 
 room for his Majesty to tread upon, where the con- 
 ductors make a lane to pass. 
 
 The Master of the Horse and Captain of the Guard 
 also ride into Guildhall yard, and dispose of themselves, 
 &c. 
 
 Note tliat the secretaries, clerks of the Council, clerks 
 to both Houses, the Gentlemen of the Bedchamber, the 
 Masters of Requests, the Master of the Ceremonies, 
 Yeoman of the Mouth, the sewer, the carver, and the 
 butler to his Majesty, are admitted into the hall, and no 
 other. 
 
 The new Council Chamber in Guildhall is appointed 
 for his Majestie's presence chamber and banquetting 
 
 room. 
 
 The old Council Chamber, Orphan's Court and Lobby, 
 ornamented accordingly, is ordered for reception of the 
 Lords of the CounciC Judges, and other nobility. 
 
 The Mayor's Court for entertainment of the House of 
 Commons. 
 
 In the Great Hall. [///■»■ Majestie's Table.'] 
 
 The hasting towards the west is appointed for his 
 Majesty and liis royal brothers to dine at, where a chair 
 of state and other ornaments answerable are placed.
 
 LuNDuNS CiLuKY. 303 
 
 Tlic part of the hall lyitl^' botweeii the eastsido of 
 Little Ease ami his Majesty's iiastiii<j eastward, api)oii)te<l 
 for the House of Peers, Lords of theCouucil,aiid Judges, 
 to dine at, &c. 
 
 At the west part of Little Ease in (Juildhall (orna- 
 jnented accordingly) the House of Coiuiuons are to dine. 
 
 Attendants upon his ]\fajestie and his royal brothers as 
 to their table. 
 
 Eight stewards, consisting of 4 aldernieu and i common 
 council men. 
 '2 comptroUei-s. 
 
 ■J ushers. Ilis Majestie's Table. 
 
 2 butlers. 
 2 masters of the revels, in velvet coats. 
 
 Attendants on the House of Peers. 
 
 Eight stewards, whereof 4 aldermen and 4 common 
 council men. 
 2 comptrollers. 
 
 2 ushers. The House of Peers' Table. 
 
 2 butlers. 
 
 1 master of tlie revels. 
 
 The IJon.se of Common.^' TabU . 
 
 The like number of persons (except masters of the 
 revels) like habited. 
 
 Gentlemen entertained in Blackwell Mall. 
 H stewards. 
 ;) comptrollers. 
 
 2 ushers. 
 2 butlers. 
 
 Notice given that his Majesty and the rest are in their 
 several retiring rooms, every ofhcer, according to his 
 condition and quality, imploys himself, the conductors 
 placing the servitors (being clad in plush) side by side 
 from each dresser to their several tables, on which they 
 are to attend. 
 
 At the sound of the loud nuisick the whole service is 
 immediately set on each table.
 
 304 LONDON'S GLORY. 
 
 The Lord Mayor's and Sheriff's officers are divided into 
 parties, and placed as servitors to each table. 
 
 Note that all the servitors wear his Majestie's colours 
 ou their arras. 
 
 His Majesty during dinner time hath several musical 
 compliances, laoth instrumental and vocal. 
 
 That ended, his ]\Iajesty and the rest retiring, is pre- 
 sented with a banquet. 
 
 After which, his Majesty being ready to depart, the 
 gentlemen of the artillery, &c., placed from the south 
 end of the Old Jury to the west end of Cheapside, with 
 trophies and trumpets, receive his Majesty, being plac'd 
 on the left hand the street, the several Companies on the 
 right. 
 
 The Lord Mayor, aldermen, and whole body attending 
 his Majesty to Whitehall, the Lord Mayor hath the honour 
 to wait on him into the Presence Chamber. In the 
 interim the gentlemen of the artillery and the rest pre- 
 pare for tlieir retreat, expecting his Lordship's return, 
 which being discovered, a volley is given, and every man 
 departeth to his [home]. 
 
 MX IS. 
 
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