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C. K. (MJDK N

TIIIM II5RARY

TllIillNIVrRSITY

Ol' CM. IIORNIA

l-OSANCi'LES

D'ORDEL'S
PANTECHNICON

An Universal DIRECTORT of the

MECHANICAL ART of MANUFACTURING

Illustrated Magazines

Intended as a Course of Learning for Future Writers

CONTAINING AN ACCOUNT OF

THE ADVANCE OF LITERATURE

In Modern Times

WITH A

PERFECT MODEL

for the Guidance of Students

AND

DIRECTIONS

Exposing the whole MANUAL ART of the Trade

Prometheus D'^Ordel^ Gent.

As it was (lately) delivered to the Editors
MARK SYKES and EDMUND SANDARS

LONDON : Printed for Bickers and Son, at the Sign of The
Falcon in New Street Square. MCMIV

sin
Si SI

THE EDITORS' ADVERTISEMENT

A FEW weeks ago we each received a communication from the
solicitor to the estate of Major-General D'Ordel, which informed
us that there were certain papers, addressed to us both jointly,
awaiting us at his office. We met on the following day and
went down together to the City, where we found a large parcel
containing a letter and a bundle of manuscript.
The letter was as follows :

" Sandwich, Api'il 9, 1904.

" Saturday at A^iorJit.
" Gentlemen,

"It may be that you will pardon my troubling
you with this letter and the enclosed manuscript.

" I should never have approached you upon this subject had
I not already had ample proof of your integrity and patience.
You may be surprised to hear me run on at this rate, but your
admiration will give way to acquiescence when I tell you that
I well knew the original manuscript of my cousin. General
D'Ordel — that same manuscript you carved and beat into some
form of grammar and sense before publishing it to the world.
Having by me a copy of my poor cousin's original at the time I
read your edition of Tactics and Military Training, I was, as you
may imagine, astounded at your pertinacity and labour.

A 2 "It

99724«

4 D'ORDEL'S PANTECHNICON.

" It is possible that you be not ignorant of my existence,
since there must be among the General's papers a heap of corre-
spondence, letters, notes, and suggestions of mine, which he
invariably treated with a contempt and a disregard that would
have raised the anger of one less philosophical than myself.
But de mortiiis N. N'. B.

" After this preamble I think you will forgive me if I proceed
immediately to the business of my letter. I have devoted many
years of study to the best methods of attaining proficiency in a
number of trades and employments, and I think I have dis-
covered several walks in life wherein a dunce of the most
profound kind can, if he do but follow certain rules, earn a
livelihood. If this is a fact, who shall say that my time has
been idly spent, or that I shall not prove a benefactor to
mankind ?

" The increased population of these islands has brought
with it a corresponding increase in the number of blundering and
stupid persons, who (unless provided for by the accident of birth
or by Government employment) must needs earn for themselves
an honest livelihood of some kind or another, as their very
stupidity unfits them for successful crime.

" The interruption of my studies which would be caused by
the tedious and harassing business of publishing a book has long
deterred me from taking this step ; but Modesty, greatly as she
may enhance the beauty of a genius brilliant enough to penetrate
her opaque covering, often withholds a lesser light from mankind,
and I have therefore decided to place one part of my work
before you for publication. Should you deem it worthy of
printing, pray relieve me of the innumerable and dreaded annoy-
ances. And perhaps you will send me a copy of the book when
complete, as I should like to have it by me for reference.

" In absolute reliance upon your judgment and confidence
in your capacity, I am. Gentlemen, with full respect and esteem,
" Your most obedient and humble servant,

" Prometheus D'Ordel."

D'ORDEL'S PANTECHNICON. 5

We turned to the manuscript with some curiosity, and
found that it consisted of a number of papers in a thin, clear hand-
writing, together with a quantity of drawings and sketches — the
whole evidently hastily and carelessly packed, and in the greatest
confusion. Our chief difficulty lay in arranging them in order,
for, once that was done, they assumed the form in which we now
publish them.

The only difference between the manuscript as we received it
and as published arises from our omission of one essay. This
was entitled, "A Defence of Magazines in the Eighteenth
Century," and consisted of a refutation of the following note by
Pope and Warburton to their 1 743 edition of the Dunciad :

B.I. Line 42 Magazines. — The common names of those monstrous
collections in prose and verse ; where dulness assumes all the
various shapes of folly to draw in and cajole the rabble ; the
eruption of every miserable scribbler ; the dirty scum of every
stagnant newspaper ; the rags of worn-out nonsense, and scandal,
picked up from every dunghill, under the title of Essays,
Reflections, Queries, Songs, Epigrams, Riddles, etc., equally the
disgrace of wit, morality, and common sense.

It did not seem to us that this essay had anything to do
with the subject of the remaining manuscript or bore the
slightest application to any periodical of the present day.
Therefore, having written once or twice to Mr. D'Ordel about it
and having received no reply, we ventured to omit it entirely.

MARK SYKES.
EDMUND SANDARS.

nPOMHGEQE

OPAHAIAOT

nANTEXNIKON

FaOico<; eycj ouoagco, kou ajLioucro? r) to npiv

DEDICATION

TO *

THE EDITOR OF THE

MOST PERFECT OF EXISTING

ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINES.

Sir,

When you realise how
much use I have made of your
Noble Monthly in preparing this
Text Book, you will not be
surprised that I should dedicate
my work to you.

* Unluckily, this illustrious name was totally illegible in the
MS., and when we wrote to the author asking him who the
person was, again we received no reply, and so we were obliged
to leave a hiatus, which the reader must fill in at his discretion.

lo PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

It is acknowledged in the
remotest corner of our Dominions
that to your Zeal and Labour
the Magazinian Art owes its
present splendid Position among
the Mysteries of this Age. With
you rests the Honour of having
instituted obedience to those
Magnificent Mechanical Principles
which I have only endeavoured to
arrange and expound.

Perhaps some Share of your
Fame, which must surely pass
down to Posterity, may fall to my
lot as being in some measure
associated with the Founder of a
Trade wherein the most Incom-
petent can earn an easy Livelihood
without diflficulty, and in spite of

the

Of the ADVANCE of LITERATURE. 1 1

the Obstacle which Nature hath
laid in their path ; and it pleases
the retiring scholar to think that
his name will ever be coupled
with that of the Famous Celebrity.

I have the honour to subscribe
myself, Sir,

Your faithful, devoted, and
admiring servant,

Prometheus D'Ordel.

AN ACCOUNT OF
THE ADVANCE OF LITERATURE

In Modern Times

WITH A

PERFECT MODEL

for the Guidance of Students

'Pa8i6>5 eyw StSa^oj, kolv a[JLOva-o<; 7} to irptv
I can teach with ease even the densest dunce

When the first press was completed and the
first book printed in Europe, the philosophers
and statesmen of that day scarcely appre-
hended the extraordinary revolution which the
new invention would effect in the affairs of
the world, though to us the far-reaching
changes which resulted from the mechanical
practice of the discovery form a logical
sequence of events as obvious as the rungs of
a ladder against the wall of a house.

Yet

14 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

Yet would one no more blame them for
failing to foresee these developments than he
would discredit the wits of a countryman who,
discerning only the steps of St. Paul's through
a London fog, admitted that he had no clear
idea of the shape of the cathedral, although the
edifice is the only reasonable and proportioned
structure which the steps could support.

From the earliest use of movable types
down to our own time printing has become
cheaper and cheaper. To-day the luscious
fruit of the instructive tree which our first
parents culled in the garden stands for sale on
every hawker's barrow, and the meanest can
now divert themselves with the knowledge of
good and evil which it brings.

Perhaps the most noticeable advantage
to mankind which has resulted from this
greater cheapness has been the vastly increased
production of those delicate literary fancies
which aim at amusing all men, without strain
to their intelligence or aggravation of the

evil

Of the ADVANCE 0/ LITERATURE. 15

evil of such as chance to be stricken with
brains.

The Board School boy of to-day would
laugh to scorn the library of light literature
which was at the disposal of a nobleman in the
middle of the eighteenth century. At the best
it would only contain a Rabelais, Gulliver s
Travels, some plays, a few odd verses, Pope's
Poems, The Examiner, The Taller, The
Guardian, The Spectator, and similar stuff —
works which (although in view of the dates at
which they were produced they may claim to
possess some merit) require a useless, unprac-
tical, and liberal education before they can be
enjoyed or understood. Joseph Miller and the
writers of the Touchstone and the Chap books,
the pioneers of English literature, did not find
fit successors to carry on their work, and
although during the first half of the nineteenth
century certain authors were generally enjoyed,
they were but few in number.

Dickens, Thackeray, the Brontes, Bulwer
Lytton, and a couple of score more, formed

the

i6 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

the whole popular writing body in i860, and
their works still retained a considerable tincture
of the evils which marked those of their
predecessors.

Their stories were long, their style tedious,
studied, and hampered by accuracy of gram-
mar and construction, and many a modern
reader avoids their works and never even opens
one of their books merely by reason of the
number of pages they contain. The passing
vogue which these men enjoyed was due, not
to the brilliancy or beauty of their work, for
these things have but little to do with true
popularity, but to the fact that they provided
the only reading material obtainable.

Latterly, however, by reason of the
increased cheapness of printing and the more
widely spread knowledge of the alphabet, not
only has the number of readers been much
augmented, but a prodigious host of authors
has sprung up— no longer mere pompous,
long-winded grammarians, penning intermin-
able

Of the ADVANCE 0/ LITERATURE. 17

able stories of possible events, but authors
without any pretension to learning of any kind,
driven only by hunger and thirst, and un-
fettered by wit or invention. The works of
these writers found place in the various
illustrated magazines, which first appeared in
any considerable force about the year 1885.

The manufacture of cheap and attractive
stuff was then only in its infancy — the science of
writing down to the price of the periodical was
not fully understood. An illustrated magazine
was often worth a shilling ; many of the stories
were written by men of antiquated, scholarly
training, and a number of the drawings were
executed by persons of some taste and origi-
nality. But as time went on, by dint of
diligence and experiment, it was found that, by
the employment of authors properly qualified,
the use of photography and tracing-paper to
compose pictures, and a great increase in the
part devoted to the commercial advertisements,
a magazine, thicker, more fully illustrated, and
containing even less merit than the shilling
volume, could be so produced as not to appear

B cheap

i8 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

cheap to anyone at sixpence. The improve-
ment did not end here. In the last years
of the century such a periodical worth only
fourpence-halfpenny was ventured ; and still
later an even m.ore careful selection of writers,
artists, and methods enabled some bold pro-
jectors to bring forth an illustrated monthly of
the literary and pictorial value of threepence.

But this will not close the matter finally ;
we shall see the day when a magazine will be

constructed which will only be worth

I was thus far gone in prophecy, when it came
into my mind that predictions are dangerous,
and that, having once hazarded them, the
easiest means of proving their accuracy was
to fulfil them myself.

Therefore I instantly set to work to com-
pile a perfect standard to be followed by the
makers of future magazines. This model I
have completed, and I set it before the literary
world as an ideal type from which the entire
craft, manual art, trade, fraud, trick, mystery,
and cunning of writing may be learned.

Although

Of the ADVANCE (/LITERATURE. 19

Although I have taken particular pains to
make this work complete, imitative, and stale,
yet, so uncertain is every human effort of
success, that I dread lest some faint trace of
the blight of thought or originality may have
crept in. Of this, if it be so, I beg that I may
be speedily informed by the one who discovers
it, so that the blemish may be removed in any
later edition.

The reader of observation will immediately

note that my perfect model lacks an essential

to all successful and notorious magazines. I

refer to the most striking and weighty section

of those works — that universal directory of

science, art, and manufacture, that noble

monument of trade, which is built up of the

advertisements. And whoever perceives that

those glorious compositions are not contained

in the pages of '' Scrag ford' s'' will laugh at

my pretensions to any knowledge of the

magazinian art. The very idea of a periodical

without advertisements is absurd and vain.

Who could conjure up in his mind any one

B 2 of

20 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

of our renowned monthly issues with neither
the first eighty nor the last fifty pages devoted
to a compendium of commercial instruction
and guide to purchasers of soups, songs, wines,
tobaccos, foods, books, and furniture ? Who
could imagine such a publication unburdened
by those informing tracts interleaved within it,
whose gorgeous colourings transform the sober
carpet of a railway carriage into a tasteful
patchwork quilt? And yet '' Scrag ford's''
contains no sign of all these things ; and still
the author has the presumption to bring it
forward as a Model for future guidance !

So just is this objection that many a
student has conceived that a magazine con-
sisting only of advertisements, and containing
no stories, would be more reasonable. But if
this were granted, then the whole theory upon
which literature is based would fall to the
ground, for the advertisements would be given
a standing which they could never maintain.
They cannot rightly be deemed literature, since
it is fundamental to their existence that they

should

Of the ADVANCE of LITERATURE. 21

should be of use. For if the goods which are
therein praised be truly commendable, the
buyer has benefited by the notice ; and if they
have no value or virtue the gain is that of the
trader. Thus it will be seen that in either case
the advertisement is not worthless to the entire
human race ; and any writing which pretends
to excellence must at least satisfy that test.
The articles and tales in a magazine conform
exactly to this important requirement. They
are without utility of any kind, and they are
therefore enticing. The reason for their
existence and for the exercise of their alluring
power is to force the public to buy the volume,
to open it and to turn over its pages. Once
this is done their object is accomplished — the
readers have been brought into ocular range
of the advertisements ; and this is to-day the
whole scheme, design, intention, and purpose
of skilled writing.

But still it might be argued that, as
advertisements are the most important, though
not the sole contents of a periodical, any model

should

22 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

should comprise them. To this I reply that
my standard type deals only with the literary
part of the subject, and, further, that advertise-
ments not only do not partake of the nature
of letters, but rather tend to their ruin. No
author can either compose or study trade
notices without contracting certain corrupt
and abominable qualities, such as terseness,
originality, clearness, and knowledge ; and the
display of any one of these would render him
incapable of obtaining admission to the writing
staff of any perfect magazine.

My model must therefore be compared to
a grim skeleton both dried of its marrow and
robbed of its fair covering the better to disclose
its articulations, and, just as the bones of the
body preserved in their natural situation are
instructive to the surgeon, so " Scragford' s "
may serve those authors whose duty it is to
produce the light and less intellectual part of a
modern magazine.

In this work, then, I have only striven to
indicate, in well-worn phrases which all will

remember,

Of the ADVANCE of LITERATURE. 23

remember, the methods which lead to periodical
prosperity, and even to the lowest degree of
honour that is hereditaiy.

The story of " Grypula " gives the ingre-
dients of the indispensable tale of an incident
in the life of the serial adventurer, wherein are
two important points to be observed.

In the first place, the character of the
adventurer himself must be simple and freed
from all the complexity of human nature, and
his acts must be so governed by the ready
rules laid down for him as inevitably to be
foreseen by every reader.

This is made more easy by the fact that,
no matter who be the author or what the hero's
profession, he must always be the same man.
Whatever part he may play, whether as in
his original manifestation, that of a drugged
detective in a dressing-gown, or that of a
nonconforming Spanish brigand with a beard
shaped like a torpedo, a merchant captain with

the

24 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

the beak and plumage of a brooding vulture,
an insane Croesus with a brown papier mdcM
hump, an animated Egyptian mummy with a
curiosity concerning Chinese monasteries, or
any other character which human folly can
devise, his identity must never be lost.

In the second place, the recital may with
advantage purport to come from the mouth of
one so crassly and patently imbecile as to be
unable to exercise this foresight.

The operation of these two rules taken in
conjunction is that of an exquisitely subtle
flattery, than which there is no greater induce-
ment to waste money upon worthless trash.
Thus, if, for example, the fellow be said
always to consult a clinical thermometer at
all moments of extreme peril, and if this
manoeuvre be repeated in each tale, on the
adventurer being led forth to execution by
learned pigs the fatuous narrator will interject,
" I was astounded to see the strange man
calmly consult his tiny clinical thermometer."

Thereupon

Of the ADVANCE of LITERATURE. 25

Thereupon many of the readers will be rejoiced
by the thought that they are more intelligent
than average men, for most of them must have
divined that the thermometer would be con-
sulted.

The instructive article on Dustmen is
dependent for its formation upon the posses-
sion of a number of unremarkable photographs
and an infinite capacity for expanding any
theme, be it a bye-law of an athletic club, the
habits of cheese-mites, or any other matter
of sufficient insignificance and meanness.
Thus, in the instance given, the article could
be summarised in the words " Dustmen remove
dust in carts," but in this form it would not
occupy a line of print, whereas my duly
inflated version fills three pages.

The narrative which bears the name of
" For the Royal Rusks" appeals to the fairest
parts of the nature of all civilised communities
— their extreme interest in the affairs of
persons of quality, and their unbounded

reverence

26 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

reverence for the bearers of titles of honour ;
and still more strongly to what is perhaps
their noblest characteristic — a keen delight in
the nicest details of bloodshed, slaughter,
and destruction, so long as these events be
sufficiently remote to cause no apprehen-
sion of personal danger or risk to their own
property.

The histories entitled "Bunnie" and "The
Judge's First Case" will be recognised as
being the results, the one of the true island
patriotism, and the other of the intimate
ignorance of a profession which mark their
respective types. The former may appear with
the scene laid in Italy, Spain, India, China, or
Kamskatka; the latter may fail to reveal the
true life of Counsel, Physicians, Civil Servants,
or Diplomats.

In short, I have written a model of what
the skeleton of the magazine of the future
should be. It contains everything that such
a framework must contain. The stories are

Of the ADVANCE 0/ LITERATURE. 27

of the liveliest and most sprightly kind ;
the jokes are of the most approved style ;
the illustrations are well within the mark ;
the items of information of the requisite
uselessness ; and, upon my sacred word of
honour, the whole compilation is only worth
ONE FARTHING.*

* We fear that Mr. D'Ordel's meaning is liable to misconception. It
is true that such a Magazine as " Scragford s'''' when unloaded upon the
market with its complete equipment of advertisements would only be
worth the sum mentioned, but as a model its value to students is
incalculable. —Editors.

HERE FOLLOWS THE MODEL.

SeRAGFORO^S FARTHING.

-*-08C><: —

THE MODEL MONTHLY.

Rights of translation and reproduction in the Contents of this pattern are strictly reset ved,
but rights of imitation are gratuitously offet-ed to all compilers of Magazines.

CONTENTS.

I'AGE

OUTSIDE COVER. From a Photo of a Design.

INSIDE OF OUTSIDE COVER. From a Paper Mill.

LIST OF CONTENTS 2

SCRAGFORD'S BEAUTIES. No. VII 3

THE MISSING LYNX. Chapter CLXXVII. of the great Serial " The Search for ihe Iron Toe."

Illustrated by Murillo Q. Curio. D'OOTHEY BOYLE 5

LONDON'S GOLDMINES. Illustrated with Photos taken by the Author Mortimer TOMBES 16

THE JUDGE'S FIRST BRIEF. A Complete Story Our Lawyer 19

Illustrated by Algernon Mallifax.

YE KNIGHT OF OLDE. From a Photo of a Picture in the possession of Alderman Suss, with an

original Illustrative Poetical Meditation hy Cissy Hasp wwii.liam bbrown 22

FOR THE ROYAL RUSKS. A Complete Story QuAX Blunderthud 24

Illustrated by Brach Rosenbaum.

TO SPRING. An Original Poem in an Original Art Bordei from a Photo of a design by Benvenuto

Binks Dr. Samuel Johnso.n" 31

BUNNIE. A Complete Story ... Britton Mapiiik 32

Illu.strated by Ocre Tonks.

A PASTORAL 37

THE EDITOR'S PIG-TUB. To-day's Contents :— Chaff, pffal (awful). Peelings, Leavings,

Garliage, Wash, Dregs, Pears, Chestnuts ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ■•• 38

OUR STARTLING WONDERS 40

SCRAG FORD'S BEAUTIES.-No. VII.

Oh ! winsome, coy, demurest girl.
Thy rosebud smile and limpid eye

Make thee fit bride for any earl.

"Would," Scragford's editor remarks,
*' That nobleman were I ! "

a 2

THING, LIVING, SUFFERING . . WAS FLAYING ITSELF ALIVE BEFORE MY VERY EYES.

a Serial IRovcl

D'OoTHEY Boyle,

Author of

IN GRYPULA'S grip ; THE
HUNT FOR A SKUNK ;
GRYPULA'S ADVENTURES ;
AU REVOIR, GRYPULA ; THE
STRANGE EPISODE OF THE
BRAZEN FACE ; MORE GRY-
PUI.A'S ADVENTURES.

To Readers of

"SCRAGFORD'S FARTHING."

Each chapter oE this stirring serial
contains a full and complete story,
which has no reference to the main
issue of the novel.

Synopsis.

Grypiila^ cntcl, sfcr/i, affectionate^ repulsive^ faithful, fascinating and unscrupulous man of
mystery, aged 2003, accompanied by his grey stoat " Moloch" which he carries about in a diamond-
studded rcticitlc, has employed Ralf Bunyan, a struggling young Australian chiropodist, as his
amanuensis. The latter met his employer in the lions' cage at famrach's, and has si/ice been
comuiissioned by his master to record some sixteen hundred of his unique exploits. Ethel Liffey
is the niece attd sole heiress of the Duke of Dublin, a millionaire noble in Grypuld's pay. Ralf
has been ordered by his master to keep in touch with the Duke, and contrives to obtain professional
employment in the house. Ethel knows the secret of the Den. Grypula knows everything. Ralf
knows nothing.

XDde JHdventure of tde Missing Isynx.

On returning home after a pleasant day spent
at " Clubland," I found on my table in my
brown study a heavily-sealed envelope, which
.1 hastily tore open. It read as follows :

My boy, — Ethel and I are lonely to-night ; will
you partake of supper with us ? Vour friend — Dublin,
Dux K.S.D.

To change my tie and shirt-front and slip
into my black velvet Norfolk jacket was the
work of a moment, for I knew that his
Grace's table, at his mansion in Harley Street,

would be well spread. Besides, there was
Ethel — but of her more anon. Within a
quarter of an hour I applied my thumb to
the electric " sonnerie " marked "Visitors,"
and thought to myself how strange it was that
I, the erstwhile struggling young surgical
operator, should, through my casual meeting
\vith the most extraordinary of men, now be
a welcome guest at one of England's noblest
houses. The door opened, and emitted a
flood of light on to the pavement, and I was
relieved of my top-hat by Buljer the butler.

SCRAGFORD'S FARTHING.

who whispered to me : " His Grace and Miss
Ethel await you in the supper-room." As he
led me thither, I noticed that he was a huge,

' The Duke uttered a shrill cry,"

unwieldy man who, though still enormously
stout, showed by the bloodhound-like pouches
under his eyes and cheeks that he had once

been much fatter. As he opened the door
for me I thought, though I may have been
mistaken, that 1 heard a deep, sepulchral

laugh. My host
was a tall, beetle-
browed nobleman
who, in spite
of his almost
boundless wealth,
showed by the
lines of care upon
his face that a
life of pleasure,
excitement, and
anxiety had left
their mark ui)on
him. Though I
knew from my
" Debrett " that
he was not above
sixty, he might
have passed for
seventy - five. I
noticed that, in
spite of the pain
which I knew he
had suffered, the
staunch blood of
the old kings of
North Wall en-
abled him to force
his feet into his
tight glace pumps,
while the black
silk stockings
which encased
his courtly old
legs made a brave
tlunyan," he cried
cheerily enough. "Ethel, here's our
visitor." My eyes glanced from the heavily-
laden board and fell once more under the
thrall of my loadstar.

" Uncle and I are always pleased to see
you here," she sighed.
The words were few
and simple, but to
me they meant much,
and I lai)sed into a
reverie from which I
was recalled by the
butler's huge shadow
falling between us.

"Have a nobbier
of port with your
venison," said the
Duke. " Buljer is waiting for you."

I drank off the wine, silently toastmg the
fair lady opposite me. The conversation

THK SEARCH FOR THE IRON TOE.

seemed to flag, and I could not help noticing
that the Duke appeared more than usually
nervous, and almost as if apprehensive of
some great disaster.

"Is there any news in this evening's
papers?" queried Ethel, as if desirous of
relieving the tension of the moment.

" Not much," I explained, fingering the
agate pickle-jar. " I suppose you have heard
of the disappearance of Lord Phoenix's re-
nowned diamond links."

Suddenly the Duke ut-
tered a shrill cry and fell
forward on to the table, his
face buried in the dish of
trifle which was before him.
Ethel rose to her feet and
hastened to lavish tender
cares upon her uncle, while
Buljer, unmoved, poured
him out a stiff go of old
Cognac. " Only a passing
qualm," groaned the Duke;
"my heart is not what it
was," and after a short time
the conversation resumed
its normal tenour. I rose
early to leave, fearing to
fatigue his Grace, and after
having made my profes-
sional appointment for the
morrow, craved permission
to retire on the score of
urgent business.

I descended the grand
staircase, took my hat from
Buljer, who was waiting for
me in the hall, and turned
towards the door. Some-
times things seem to happen
with such lightning rapidity
that one is unable to realise
or describe them in their
proper sequence. All I can
remember is that the back
of my neck was clamped in
an iron grasp, a leathery
substance was forced be-
tween my teeth, my top-hat was violently
crushed down over my eyes, the rich
Turkey carpet seemed to slide from under
my feet, the floor quivered beneath me, and
I felt that I was rapidly sinking. The
smooth rumbling of well-oiled machinery
mingled in my ears with the throbbing of
my carotid artery and the heavy breathing
of my assailant as he knelt with crushing
weight upon the small of my back. The
descending motion ceased with a slight click.

and I found myself in complete darkness.
I was lifted Itodily from the ground and
flung heavily off the carpet on to what ap-
peared to be a heap of empty bottles, and I
realised that I was in the cellar of Dublin
House. While endeavouring to remove the
hat, whcih had probably saved my life in my
last fall, I heard the sound of the re-adjust-
ment of the hydraulic machinery. When I
succeeded in freeing myself, I was dazed by
a flood of electric light, which revealed,

" The back of my neck was clamped in an iron grasp.

though at first but hazily, the massive form
of Buljer.

" You infernal scoundrel I " I shouted,
tearing the gag from my mouth. The man
merely smiled, and, motioning me to be
silent with his hand, slowly began to fumble
with the stud of his capacious shirt-front. I
heard a slight hissing sound and then an awful
change took place the memor)- of which even
now causes me to shudder. His face seemed
to shrink, and puckered into flaccid folds of

SCRAGFORD'S FARTHh\G.

empty skin, his vast bosom and shoulders
heaved and sank. The knees trembled and
the huge thighs seemed to vanish into air,
leaving the ample garments that had covered
them hanging crumpledand unfilled. Thepink
and dimpled handsgrew withered and clawlike,
and ah ! that awful face ! now creased into a
thousand wrinkles, was shrivelling up before
me. I felt the cold beads of perspiration
coursing down my brow, and heard them
splashing on the damp floor, but worse was
yet to come. I tried to shut out the fear-
some sight, but I could not. The Thing
began to move, to raise its arms and writhe
as if in dreadful ansfuish. It clutched at its
face, at its chin, and at the loose dead-white
skin which hung upon its breast, it fell upon
its knees and tore upwards with its dangling
claws (now more like tentacles of sinew), at
its face. Its face? Merciful Powers! it
had none ! Where the frightful face had
been was a still more awful l)lank- — a blank
— now seamed with twisted folds, now taut
and throbbing with unutterable agony.
Something living— suffering — -was flaying it-
self before my ver)- eyes !

" If I were Dublin, I would not employ
this butler," I moaned, hardly knowing what
I said.*

Then at last the tension was relaxed, the
fearful blank fell back, empty, the great stiff
shirt-front heaved and gaped, and skin and
clothes fell to the ground, while from the
gaping shirt emerged, calm, smiling, pensive,
dreamy, cold, unbending, bitter, pondering —
Grypula.

"I fear I startled you, Bunyan?" he mur-
mured as one disturbed in a long reverie.
"The disguise, you will admit, was effec-
tive ? "

"Di.sguise," I quavered.

"Yes," he continued, " it is my No. i con-
fidential upper servant pneumatic," and draw-
ing from his breast-pocket Moloch's diamond
reticule he opened it and put in his little
finger. The strange denizen realising that
it.-i enforced seclusion had come to an end,
ran up his arm and fastened its gleaming
teeth securely and affectionately in the lobe
of his left ear. " Oh ! Moloch," he mused
sadly, " we cannot have our rubber this even-
ing, as we have a more serious game on foot,
but we will play one hand while our fiiend
Bunyan recovers with the help of so ne of
the Duke's Imperial Tokay, which he will find
in bin No. 43." So saying he carefully
folded the disguise, the discarding of which
had so terrified me, and using the shirt-front

* Upon subsequent consideration I still think so.

as a tabic, produced from his waistcoat-pocket
the miniature pack I knew so well, and dealt
out the cards for his usual game of treble
dummy whist. The Stoat, with his hardly
human interest in the game, took up a posi-
tion on the table close to Grypula's left hand,
from which he could administer the savage
bites with which he marked his master's
revokes.

I staggered to the bin indicated, and snack-
ing off the neck of one of the Vjottles, from
which the dust of ages fell, drank down a
stiff nobbier of its liquid gold. I turned
towards the strange pair, and noticed that
Moloch's sharp canines were firmly fixed in
the ball of Grypula's thumb, and that he had
just added the ace of spades to the three of
diamonds, which w^ere trumps, led by one of
his imaginary opponents ; he held in his
hand the four, seven, and ten of diamonds.

" Grypula, you have revoked," I observed.

" Moloch has already told me so," he
retorted, and added, " My dear Bunyan, I
see you have recovered. I was present at
the treading out of that wine in 1604. The
fourth Henri, had he not been a recluse,
would have been a martyr."

This extraordinary man was almost always
surprising me in some way or another. I
sometimes could hardly believe that this
calm, pensive individual who was sitting on
the floor of a Duke's cellar playing treble
dummy with a stoat, had but ten minutes
before been masquerading as the Duke's
butler, had assisted a long dead French King
in the manufacture of Tokay, and had of old
wielded Rome's imperial sway under the title
of Heliogabalus. But his historic omnisci-
ence has often convinced me that it could not
have been otherwise. An antique boot, a
modern rapier, a blue Mauritius, or Saita-
phernes' tiara presented no archaeological diffi-
culties to him, while a Republican as recalled
memories of his childhood.

" Bunyan," interrogated Grypula briskly,
as he placed the cards in the back of his
gold repeater and slipped Moloch into his
reticule, " are you ready for a stiff job to-
night, for I think I see a pretty little adven-
ture forming itself in the near future ? "

" Need you ask ? " I replied ; " but, remem-
ber, I have a professional visit to pay to the
Duke to-morrow morning " — and a vision of
Ethel passed before my eyes.

" Have no fear," he answered, " but that
pairing will never take place." I wondered.
l)id he read my thoughts ? Or, was he
thinking of the appointment with my illus-
trious patient? But he proceeded, " Listen.

THE SEARCH FOR THE H<OX TOE

As you well know, in my search for the Iron
Toe I required the assistance afforded by the
ownership of the Missing Lynx. That animal
was guarded in the fastnesses of the north
by the Cheoptic Eskimo whose god it is.
Daily it was
fed on the
freshly - se-
vered limbs
of human
babes. Its
ferocity was
such that
even the
chief priest
could not
approach it
unmuzzled.
Now, mark
me, no mat-
ter how, I
have ob-
tained that
lynx."

"What!"
I exclaimed,
sprin g i ng
up, " are we
then so near
the end of
our search?"
He did not
answer, but

his eyes gleamed, and once again I
noticed the extraordinary phenomena
connected with these organs and
with his shaven cranium. The eyes
were those of a member of the feline
tribe — large, green
the iris opening out and contracting
into a thin vertical line, and the top
suture of his head, always wide open,
displayed, when in repose, a deep
cleft which pulsated gently to the
workings of his gigantic intellect. It
was almost uncanny.

He resumed his story, "I have
obtained that lynx, and it is now
chained and muzzled in a den at the
further end of this cellar."

I shuddered involuntarily. " But
why here of all places in the world ? "
I asked.

" Really, Bunyan," he snapped,
" you know little of my methods. It should
be obvious even to you that my possession
of the lynx would be objectionable to its late
worshippers, of whom, by the way, the high
priest — Usk — is a man to be reckoned with.

Although born an ignorant Eskimo he holds
a British master mariner's certificate. You
will thus perceive that once owner of the
Missing Lynx it became incumbent upon me
to procure a reliable keeper. I, therefore,
engaged for the purpose the
premier Duke of Ireland at a
salary."

A salary I you surprise me."
"A mere matter of a million a
week. Perhaps the rise in the
bank rate which has so perplexed
the press is now comprehen-
sible to you.
But pray
do not in-
terrupt me.
The Duke
agreed to
house the
lynx and
daily feed
it with his
own hands.
But even I
am not in-
fallible, at
least I be-
gin to think
so. Usk

had been
a forward
hand upon
the Duke's
yacht, and,
becoming
master of a
dark secret,
held the
Duke in
his power.
I did not
know of this.
The Duke
has proved
false to his
trust, and
to-night Usk
will be here
with the Eskimo crew of the
whaler, of which he is mate,
to receive the lynx at his
hands. This may explain to
you your host's ' passing
qualm ' in the trifle after your unwitting
blunder in referring to Lord Phoenix's loss.
Now we must to business — wait here."

Grypula switched off the electric light, and
I heard him gliding noiselessly towards the

Puss! Puss: Poor Pussy:

SCRAGFORD'S FARTHING.

back of the long cellar. I fell to thinking
over the strange events of the night, and
wondering whether the circumstances of which
I had just heard would affect my chances
with his Grace's niece. I was thus employed
when a tap on the shoulder from a heavy
chain aroused me — it was Grypula.

"The lynx can now defend itself," he an-
nounced, " only the bars of its den protect
us from its teeth and claws. But, hist ! we
have a visitor. Down behind that bin,
Bunyan, for your life ! " I instantly obeyed
this peremptory request. A key rattled in
the lock, as if held by some uncertain hand.
I instinctively felt for my Waffenfabrik No. 3.

W and S Target model "* repeating pistol

■436
which I invariably carry since I lost my left
leg in the adventure of the Mystic Mangle of
which I have already written. Would to God
that I had had it on that awful day ! The heavy
door creaked on its hinges and a bar of light
shot across the ceiling, following the circuitous
route dictated to it by the heavy gilt mould-
ings of the cellar. The bar widened until it
embraced the whole room, and disclosed that
it emanated from a bedroom candle borne by
a tall figure, whose face was so far bent down
into the collar of an ample dressing-gown
that I could not distinguish it from my coign
of vantage. The figure shuffled slowly by
me, and I saw that it was none other than
the owner of the Tokay which was scarce dry
upon my lips. He held in his hand a deep
enamelled saucer of milk, paused before me
to murmur " Puss ! Puss ! Poor Pussy ! " and
then continued towards the dark end of the
cellar. At that moment clear, deep, yet shrill
rang out into the echoing vault a wild hoarse
mew. A mew so thrilling, so intense as ne'er
was mewed before — it played among the
arches and reverberated among the wine
bins, telling of bestial rage, ruthless ferocity,
and of strange uncanny power. Obeying
some irresistible impulse, I jumped to my
foot — a cry of warning at my lips. A sicken-
ing blow descended upon my head, a million
fiparks danced before my eyes, and I sank
unconscious into the bin.

When I came to myself I found Grypula
seated astride of one of the mahogany, brass-
bound barrels of Beaune, gazing regretfully at
a glace dress pump.

" Here,'' he soliloquised, " I hold all that
remains of Patrick Threlgood Tippy Liffey,
Duke of Dublin, Marquess of Nephin-Begg,
Earl of Nephin-Begg, Viscount Croaghmoyle,

Baron Liffey, Peer of Ireland, member of the
Dublin City Council, Knight of the most
noble order of the Shillaghleah of Donny-
brook, once keeper of the Chiltern Hundreds,
Resident Magistrate and Inspector of the
Irish Constabulary, millionaire, connoisseur,
and villain. He has paid in his checks — I
will not judge him. This shoe will figure in
my collection of interesting footgear." As
he spoke he placed the pump in one of his
capacious pockets, and " Bunyan," he pur-
sued, " your untimely sympathy for that most
undeserving of men almost interfered with
my schemes. Had you made a sound I
should have been obliged to resort to strong
measures."

I murmured some feeble words of apology
as I bound up my injured head. Grypula
switched off tlie light and we resumed our
former place of hiding. 1 had just begun to
ponder on Ethel, now a duchess in her own
right, when the massive door once more
creaked and opened, and two figures bearing
torches entered. They were wearing the tall
conical head-dress of the priesthood of the
Lynx, and their faces were covered with the
heavy robe, pierced only with two eye-holes,
which hung from it. At the bottom of the
steps they turned and marched slowly and
majestically towards the den. I shuddered
with horror at what might happen — I had
seen one man take that path before ! Grypula
thrust me violently aside, and with his swift,
stealthy, cat-like walk followed them to the
end of the cellar. There I saw him stretch
out his arms and grip them each by the neck
where the spinal cord enters the pericranium.
I saw him give a slight effort of the wrists, I
heard but one short, sharp crack, and, by the
dim light given by the fallen torches, I saw
that what had but a moment before been two
as vigorous young priests as ever trod in shoe-
leather was but one shapeless bundle of
clothes. From this Grypula swiftly selected
the priestly robes and, having assumed one,
signed to me to do the .same to the other.
I had so often had cause to wear a similar
garment in my many marvellous adventures
with Grypula that this was but the work of
a moment, and picking up the torches we
proceeded to the door. Grypula opened the
door, and in the Cheoptic dialect of the
Eskimo language called out, "All is well,
the Duke is in the Lynx's den " (which was
strictly true). We stood aside and a file of
men entered — such men as I had never seen
before. All except their leader, who came
last, were stunted deformities. They wore
the usual Eskimo sealskin combination suit,

THE SEARCH FOR THE IRON TOE.

1 1

and their copper, blubber-covered faces lit
by the torches they bore produced a wild
lurid effect. Their leader, whom I instantly
recognised as Usk, was much above the
average height — he must have easily touched
seven feet. His face was powerful and, though
cruel, handsome. His broad hairless upper
lip, his flat nose, and almond eyes black as
sloes, were surmounted by an extraordinarily
protuberant forehead which showed an
intellectual development remarkable in any
man and marvellous in one of his race.
(Irypula signalled them towards the den, and
made the mystic sign of the Lynx. " Go,"
he commanded, still in Cheoptic, " the mighty
One of Ones hungers for the worship of her
followers." As they turned I noticed that
the leader held a brazen vessel which emitted
a savoury odour — I shuddered involuntarily,
thinking what nourishment it might contain,
and was grateful to the covering robe which
concealed my emotion. The whole party
knelt and crawled swiftly down the cellar
with low beastlike cries. Grypula thrust me
towards the steps. " I think, my dear
Bunyan," he whispered, " that our presence
is no longer necessary." As he did so a
hubbub arose at the further end of the cellar,
and the whole horde came pressing back.
I heard the hoarse voice of the leader
shouting to his men, I saw the sea of angry
faces, and we jumped through the portal and
slammed the heavy door to, severing a hand
which clutched at my wooden leg as it lay
upon the ground, crablike. Grypula locked,
double, and treble locked the door ; we tore
off our disguises and sped down the passage
at lightning speed. As we ran Grypula
explained to me that Usk had seen the
bodies of the priests, knew that the Missing
Lynx w^as loose within the cage, safe from
capture, and was only bent upon revenge.
Behind the door the din redoubled, and
thundering blows shook the foundations of
the ducal mansion, and as we reached the area
a crash of rending timbers announced that it
had fallen. " There is no time to lose,"
hissed Grypula, and seizing me by the belt
of my Norfolk jacket, he tossed me clear
over the area railings on to the cold, hard
pavement, and vaulting lightly after me,
thrust me into a hansom which stood tenant-
less at the door. I was dazed by my falls,
and was only half conscious of Grypula
springing into the driver's perch and lashing
the horse into a gallop. When I came to
myself I saw in the looking-glass before me
that I had lost my top-hat, and that my neck-
wear was disarranged. But for these trifling

inconveniences and for the throbbing of my
wounded head I was almost uninjured. The
trapdoor opened above me, and the cool,
calm voice of my extraordinary companion
called to me " Kindly shoot the driver of the
omnibus behind us." 1 never hesitate to
obey this wonderful man, and so breaking
the small window behind my head I raised
the flap with my left hand and taking careful
aim at his passing shadow on a house lodged
a bullet in the gentleman indicated. I was
horrified to see him sway from his box and
fall with a dull thud upon the roadway,
where the wheels of the ponderous vehicle
passed over his body.

" A clever ricochet, between the eyes,"
chuckled Grypula. " You would be a great
shikaree, but I fear it might, if published to
those blockheads at Scotland Yard, bring
you within the clutches of the law." A thrill
of horror crept down my spine. Why had he
bidden me kill this man ?

" That omnibus contains some of our
mutual friends," he rejoined from above, as
though penetrating my inmost thoughts
through the top of my skull, "and I con-
sidered it advisable to detain them."

The pace was becoming terrific ; our steed,
striving in a wild gallop, cast back great
flecks of foam which gave it the appearance
of a goose in the plucking, and the whole cab
became white as driven snow. As I have
often remarked, in moments such as these a
man notices small details, and accordingly I
say that I observed that the tassel of the
right-hand window-blind was slightly frayed.
As we shaved the corner leading from Oxford
Street into Park Lane I saw the great swaying
vehicle but sixtv vards behind us, and heard
the exulting yells of its pursuing inmates.
At Hyde Park Corner the sixty yards had
shrunk to thirty, and I felt that it could not
last long. But here we obtained a momen-
tary respite from the white uplifted hand of a
policeman, who checked the 'bus's wild career
while he himself crossed the road. This gave
us but twenty yards more, and down past
Knightsbridge through the Brompton Road
to Hammersmith and Putney we held our mad
course. Thrice my Waffenfabrik barked, and
thrice a blubber)- driver reeled from his perch
and bit the asphalt with despairing cry. Up
the steep slope of Putney Bridge we tore,
and such was the pace that at the cobbled
ridge the cab left the roadway and rose full
two feet into the air. It fell with a grinding
crash, and I found myself clinging to the brave
horse's mane, struggling to regain my balance
on his neck. Unable to do so unaided, I

SCRAGFORD'S FARTHING.

was slipping to the ground, when my artificial
limb was seized in a firm, cold grasp, and I
was restored to a more stable seat upon the
horse's back. Grypula, who was riding pillion
with all the grace of an accomplished horse-
woman, had
again saved my
life. I felt a
clutch at my
pistol pocket,
and two shots
rang out into
the night. He
had cut the
traces, and we
were freed from
the trailing bur-
den behind us.
The body of our
late vehicle fol-
lowed us for
twenty yards,
then swerved in
its course,

jumped gutter,
pavement, and
parapet, and fell
thirty-seven feet
into the eddying
swirls of black
water below.
Strange as it
may seem, all
had happened
so swiftly that
the horse had
never broken
his stride, and
from our reach-
ing the top of
the bridge to
the disappear-
ance of the cab
cannot have oc-
cupied more
than seventeen
seconds.

" I had to do
that," muttered
Grypula dream-
ily, "when es-
caping in my
chariot from
Attila. I had

not yet invented gunpowder, and the hatchet
was decidedly clumsier."

As we galloped up Putney Hill I could
clearly see that the awful strain was telling on
our brave beast, his breath came in deep

Two shots rang out into the night.

stertorous gasps, his flanks heaved convul-
sively, and his knees quivered as they shot out
beneath his outstretched neck. Grypula
handed me a hypodermic syringe and calmly
directed, " Under the left shoulder-blade.

Unsporting but
necessary — we
have no time to
consider the
feelings of the
Jockey Club."

I did not pro-
test, but pressed
the tiny piston
home, and we
again began to
distance our
pursuers. Seven
times I doped
the poor la-
bouring brute,
seven times 'he
pluckily re-

sponded to the
call of transat-
lantic science,
but as I inserted
the needle for
the eighth go at
the top of ^Vim-
bledon Com-
mon the ex-
hausted animal
twice staggered
in its stride, and
fell in rigid
death. I was
flung against a
sharp boulder
with the horse
across my back,
Cirypula, as

usual, landing
upon his feet.
He dragged me
out by the hair
and set me on
my foot, and
we fled through
the iron - grey
dawn. I leaped
along in Cry-
pula's wake, my
steel-shod leg
striking out, as T then thought, its last sparks
from the flinty road. As we reached the
summit of a slight ascent we heard a wild
cheer from the oncoming 'bus, which
turned into a shriek of terror from thirty

THE SEARCH FOR THE IRON TOE.

throats as the huge fabric, striking the corpse
of our faithful steed, stood, tottered, swayed,
and, bursting Uke a bombshell, scattered its
living contents to the earth. What iiad but
lately been one of the best 'busses that ever
travelled on tyres was but a heap of riven
matchboard and shivered glass.

"That horse has been of use to us," quoth
the strange man, as I stood fascinated by the
dire ruin. " By the way, did you notice
when he died ? "

" I suppose when he fell on me," 1 ejacu-
lated, surprised at the unexpected question.

" My dear Bunyan, you are no observer,"
sneered Grypula ; " he ceased to breathe im-
mediately after the second injection."

I shuddered involuntarily. For two miles
we had ridden a dead horse !

"But now," he declared, "I must deal with
the man who has endeavoured to thwart me."
I looked towards the debris on the road, and
saw one solitary figure arise from its midst
and stride towards us — it was the mighty
mate. He alone survived of those fifty
-desperate men who started from Greenland
to recover the Missing Lynx. He advanced
with deliberate strides from the wreck, be-
neath which the shattered forms of the last
■of his companions lay buried. At his approach
<irypula removed his evening-dress coat, and
neatly folding it handed it to me, postulating :
" Be careful of Moloch." I was inexpressibly
surprised and astonished to find this marvel-
lous man so cool and collected. " Kindly
relieve our friend of his furs," he remarked ;
"they may encumber him," and taking from
his trouser-pocket the pistol which he had
not restored to me, he cast it away from him
to the ground. Usk, moved by some im-
pulse of rough chivalry, sent the heavy blubber
knife which he held behind him to join my
Waffenfabrik, and then with one swift move-
ment threw aside his sealskin garment and
faced Grypula completely nude, save for his
nether jaeger underwear. The two stood
motionless for a moment in silence, and I
contemplated them with awe. Grypula,
though a man of somewhat above the medium
height, was giving his opponent half a cubit.
He stood lightly poised upon the balls of his
feet, leaning slightly forward. His tense,
eager legs, taut yet supple, the finely trained
muscles of his trunk and thighs, showing
through his beautifully fitting clothes, which
were specially made for him by a West-end
tailor, his well-poised neck and ivory knuckles
presented a splendid picture of graceful
humanity. Before him stood Usk, the high

Huge as he had

priest of the Cheoptics.

seemed when fully clothed, he now appeared
far more gigantic ; although without an ounce
of superfluous flesh, he would have tipped
the scale at nearly thirty .stone. His clo.se-
cropped hair, his beetling brow and cruel
mouth surmounted a tightly knotted, sinewy
neck and a pair of shoulders which would
have put a regular Hercules to shame. Above
these shoulders the head, though immense,
appeared monstrously small. The circum-
ference of each of his thighs exceeded that
of his waist, and his calves were these of a
great Assyrian bull. His great feet were
flattened with pacing icy decks, and con-
trasted strangely with the arched and dainty
insteps of Grypula. After standing thus for
twelve minutes the silence was broken by a
short yap of hate as Usk rushed in ; the two
men gripped, and the struggle began. Silently
the two figures stood, each clasping the other
round the body, my friend having otjtained
the much coveted under-grip, and I could
see that each without a sound or movement
was straining to raise the other, Usk with a
view to loosening Grypula's hold, Grypula
with a view to utilising it. The only sound
which broke the stillness was the monotonous
creaking of their muscles as they strove for
mastery. I could see the lithe, supple move-
ments of Grypula's chest and shoulders under
his linen shirt, and could also detect that,
mighty and well proportioned as he was, the
Eskimo's diet of candles and soap had told
upon the structure of his mu.scles— they
seemed to move more slowly, more stiffly,
and less precisely than those of his smaller
opponent. Upward they strained, their feet
clawing at the soil beneath them. The
mighty backs writhed and bent, the eyes
clashed like two sharp swords, and the deep
red weals made upon the giant's back and
sides by the steel cable arms of his adversary
were hidden by the arms that had made
them. Then suddenly a most extraordinary
thing occurred. So equal was the strength
of the two men and so great, such was their
determination to attain this object, that
they both succeeded. Slowly, steadily, and
simultaneously each raised the other from
the ground. They rose inch by inch, until
there were two clear feet of space between
them and the earth they had trod ! Then
slowly the gigantic effort subsided, and they
came gradually back to earth. Again they
strove, again they rose, inch by inch, inch by
inch. Now the strain was fearful to see ;
Usk was grievously distressed, and even
Grypula's brow was marked by a tiny bead of
sweat ! Suddenly I saw a change come over

OH! MY!

THE SEARCH FOR THE H^ON TOE

his feline eyes ; they burned Hke two live
coals, and the skin over the great cleft in his
head was throbbing strangely. It rose until
instead of a cleft it had the appearance of a
ridge, shaped like the cock's comb of a
Metropolitan policeman's helmet, and it
glowed as if filled with liquid fire. Oh !
my ! slowly I saw the giant's eyes grow stony
and vacant, and his skin, which until then
had rippled over his working muscles like
some strange sea, grew grey and rigid as the
wavelets in the sand left by its swiftly retreat-
ing tide. His mighty arms relaxed, the great
supporting tension snapped, and they fell as
one man to the ground. Grypula sprang to
his feet, stood for a moment over his van-
quished foe with a smile of triumph, and
then fell himself, unconscious. Grypula had
fainted ! It was but for an instant, and he
rose and calmly bade me give him his coat.

" Usk has had a lesson he will never forget,"
he stated decisively, " for the next ten years
he will think himself a turnip."

" I shuddered involuntarily and turned in
horror to the giant, and saw that already his
head, upon which he was standing, was partly
concealed in the soft soil, while he endea-
voured to make the indescribable noise cha-
racteristic of that esculent root.

When my eyes again fell upon Grypula, he
had removed Moloch from his reticule, and
was dealing out the cards for the second hand
of his interrupted rubber.

Suddenly amid a rustle of silk and frou-
frou, a slender figure emerged from the bushes.
It was her Grace the Duchess of Dublin —
nay, Ethel !

I little thought when I paid my professional
visits to Dublin House that I should one day
be Duke-Consort within its walls. Her
Grace, my wife, tells me that Grypula has re-
turned to London. I wonder whether that
wonderful man will again come into my life
in time for next month's " Scragford's " ?

\To be continued in our next.]

s«o^-=aeoae=e.*«s-^

NEXT MONTH. Mr. UOothey Boyle proinises us an even more
awful chapter for our next mwiber, entitled : "The Adventure of
THE Seventh Howl," in zu/iic/i Grypula, with the aid oj the Lynx,
discovers the thumb less Negro in his living tomb. Grypjtla will be
disguised as a Banshee.

: 9

■ . ' ."i;. ' •• \:Sfiy',s.^oii>Hfi> Lp '' . ■ .M. ' :.

LONDON'S
GOLD
MINES:

A DAY AMONG THE
DUSTMEN.

Being some personal glimpses of one of
Britain's great enterprises, its remark'
able achievements in the gathering of
dust, with a bright and interesting
account in \vhich the writer gives his
impressions of a visit to a London dust-
cart.

Mortimer Tombes.

Mr, Tombes as the dust-
man knew him, — out of
doors, —

On the 4th of July, 1853, the seventy-seventh
anniversary of the Declaration of the Inde-
pendence of the United States of America, a
dustman, whom we will call Robinson, was
emptying his cart of dust at one of the great
dust shoots of the metropolis, now long dis-
used and probably covered by recent build-
ing. He had had a' long and fatiguing day
at his work, and perhaps may have been more
or less anxious to get back to his wife and
family — if, that is to say, he enjoyed the ad-
vantages of matrimonial life and some tender
olive-branches. As the dust fell from his
cart, he thought that he saw some object
glittering in the evening sunlight. He got
down from his cart to the ground and walked
down the slope of the shoot to the spot where
he thought, [)ossibly, the object might have
fallen. He groped about in the refuse with
the toe of his boot, which was tipped with
iron nails, and soon disclosed the bright
object which he had really seen. It proved
to be a spoon made of Abyssinian gold, a
composition closely resembling in appearance
the real article. He picked it up between
his fingers and exgimined it with his eyes.
Then he put it in his pocket and walked back
to his cart. He climbed in, and taking up

and as his friends know
him when indoors.

the reins in one hand and the whip in the
other, he drove hi.s cart away from the
shoot towards his own mews, where his horse
was to be stabled and where his cart was to
be put away for the night. On the way he
stopped at the police station, where he gave
his find to a P.C., stating that he had found
it among the refuse which he had brought in
his cart from a particular street. The minion
of the law took out his note-book from his
pocket, and with the help of a pencil noted
these facts, together with the name and
address of the dustman Robinson. After
this he told Robinson that it was all that he
required of him, and the latter once more
mounted his cart and drove the now empty
vehicle home. He never again heard of the
sj)Oon, but the matter did not end here. On
Maundy Thursday, 1H54, during the second
year of the Crimean War, the police traced
the owner of the lost property, a respectable
widow who lived in Wandsworth, and restored
the spoon to her. Words fail to describe the
bereaved woman's joy when .she recovered
the article she had so long deemed lost be-
yond recall.

The promptitude and intelligence .shown
by Robinson on that memorable evening are

LONDON'S GOLD MLNES.

only characteristic of the thousands of dust-
men who form the cleansers of London's
dust-bins. Most people who by force or in-
clination are the owners of dust-bins in
London gain a rather odd opinion of the

holder sees him. To those, however, who
know the bin-cleanser a little more intimately,
as I do from having gone out and spoken to
one in the street, he is quite a different kind of
person. Next month's "Scragford's" will con-

Here we see the Dustman, his horse Tiger, and the cart. Readers should note the placard
which informs the wonlering observer of th2 nature of th3 cart's contents. This photo was
taken while the dustman was attending to soms of the complicated harness on Tiger's back.

.j^' ^ - ja

ii i^K..^

W^--

This dustman is looking at the wheel of his cart and wondering whether it wants any
grease. If it does he will certainly put some on before he goas any further. Note that
Tiger has moved his foot since the last photo was taken. The reins are hanging on the
ground, but they will be picked up later.

duties of a dustman. Based on what they tain another intensely exciting and instructive

see of him they form the conclusion that his article descriptive of the multitudinous duties

only occupation is to wear a sack upon his of a London undertaker ; the present writer

back, and to put dust into carts and take it avers that, so far as the number and variety

away. That is the dustman as the house- are concerned. Dustmen's duties are hard to

SCRAGFORD'S FARTHING.

beat even by so versatile an individual as the
Metropolitan Funeral Purveyor.

Come to think of it, the life of a Dustman is
not the bed of roses most people imagine it to
be. He must be able to carry the baskets of
dust from the domestic dust-bin to his cart,
to drive or lead his horse which draws the
often heavy vehicle to and from the refuse-
heaps. He must master the elaborate
mechanism by which his cart is enabled to
tip backwards so as to eject its contents
upon the shoot. He has to be almost con-
stantly, as to his driving, on the look-out,
and woe betide the dustman who lies down

to turn in at the bidding of a householder, or
some person qualified to give them orders to
remove dust. And at unexpected intervals
a great 1) puts in an appearance in the
windows of houses and summons them to
remove dust. If there be any slackness
exhibited in its removal some official is sure
to hear of it afterwards, and what he hears
may displease him. This dust is composed
of all sorts of rubl)ish, cigar ends, cabbage
stalks, pieces of worthless paper, even
" Scragford's Farthing " — in short, all the use-
less trash which collects in a house. Under
all these conditions and circumstances it

This is a pholo ot great interest. The wheel has been greased if it needed it. The reins
have been picked up. But who is this other person ? He is a passing stranger, unacquainted
with the neighbourhood, who wishes to l<now his way. This the Dustman, who above all
things is a handy man, is able to indicate to him by pointing with his finger to the sign-post.
Note that Tiger has taken up his first position again, probably previous to starting.

in the road and allows his cart to pass over
his body.

The wheels of his cart, again, require con-
stant and earnest attention, and so handy a
man is he that he is able not only to perform
his many other duties, but in case of being
asked by any passing stranger to show him
the way, he is able to indicate it to him if he
happens to know it. The dustmen are
undoubtedly the first and most highly trained
force for the purpose of emptying bins.
These bins can only be kept empty by con-
stant and continuous practice. So many a
time and oft, Robinson and his mates have

Readers of " Scragford's Farthin?.'

must be admitted that a dustman is a very
hardworked man, executing very important
and offensive duties for a wage ; still, you will
always find him a jovial, hearty, fair-spoken
fellow, enjoying, no doubt, the knowledge
that by good conduct and willing work he is
sure to remove a considerable quantity of
refu.se. Their bonhomie is of a kind which
makes you think for many a long day of
those lonely men who, restless on their carts,
are incessantly vigilant in preserving our
homes from the ravages of bacilli, and of the
admirable officials who control the Dust
De[)artment of our great metropolis.

hook out eagerly next month for Mr. Tomhes s brisk and strenuous
article on " Undertakers T

Being a series of actual facts and experiences revealing the inner history and working of
the Legal Profession in modern times. ** Scragford's " readers must remember that these
stories are not mere tales, but the truth — the whole truth — and nothing but the truth, attested
and sworn to

Our Lawyer.

No. I.— THE JUDGE'S FIRST BRIEF.

A relation by a judi!:;e lu/icrein we see that larvycrs an\ perhaps^ not more hard-hearted than
others when confronted by lovely woman.

It was a cold November evening in Stump
Court, Lincoln's Inn, and there was a great
collection of men of law in the chambers of
young Fulford Strop, the junior K.C. of his
year. The fun was fast and furious, as it
was known that he was to entertain the judge
whose brilliant summing up had obtained for
the young counsel his verdict that day. As
the usher of the court completed an interest-
ing story, and as the old port and mutifins
were beginning to circulate, the door opened,
and a universal cheer greeted the entry of
Lord Justice Pippings. His scarlet robes
and ermine tippet lent a touch of colour
to the somewhat sombre gathering. They
crowded round him and eagerly relieved him
of his three-cornered hat and walking mace.
When the old judge had been comfortably
installed in the armchair usuaMy assigned to
the wealthier clients, the interrupted flow of
repartee was once more resumed, and the
conversation became general. A chased
silver tankard, bearing the hall-mark of
Richard II., which many a generation of
judges and attorneys had deigned to quaff,
was filled with the ruby liquid and offered
to his lordship. Pippings, L.J., imbibed the
fruity draught, and wiping his lips with the
end of his full-bottomed wig, " A good tap
that, Harry," he said, addressing the host.
" It must be '48. The year in which I held
my first brief." " How was that ? " they all
cried in unison. The judge was famous for
his well-known stories ; and oft had he re-
galed the students at the famous Inns of
Court dinners with instructive tales of the
profession to which they were soon to belong.
He lovingly mouthed his goblet and began : —
"I was then a struggling young robesman,
and following upon a disastrous Northern
Circuit, I had waited patiently in London
for some weeks, without as much as seeing
a six-and-eightpenny brief in its blue en-

velope. My clerk had complained bitterly
of not having any pleadings to draft or
settle, and I was almost at my wits' end. I
hung about the purlieus of the Old Bailey
vainly seeking employment among the felons
and criminals who thronged its gates, and
- thus it was that one bright spring morning
I found myself sauntering past Newgate with-
out even the two proverbial browns in my
breeches-pockets. I realised that this state
of things could not continue long, and as
I dared not face my clerk without bringing
back work for him to do, I turned desperately
towards Whitechapel in search of a client.
I walked sadly on, and suddenly as I passed
one of the narrow alleys which turn out of
Ratcliff Highway I heard a scream, and a girl
rushed towards me and flung herself at my
feet, crying, ' Protect me ! Sir, for mercy's
sake, protect me 1 ' I looked more closely
at her, and saw that she was slight and
slender, she had eyes which sought mine
with the appealing moistness of a wounded
fawn's, and her expensive gown showed her
to be in good financial circumstances. I
thrilled with joy, and instantly agreed. A
burly policeman strode up to us, and touch-
ing the girl on the shoulder, said, ' In the
name of the law, you are wanted ' ; then,
at the sight of my wig and gown, he saluted
me, and I felt grateful for the intimate con-
nection between the bar and the constabulary
force which enabled me to protect the poor
girl.

" ' Officer,' I said, ' have you your sub-
poena duces tecum ? '

"He silently handed me the document,
and I observed that it was strictly in order,
and had the satisfaction of seeing the sensa-
tional nature of the charge against her. I
got my retainer from the beautiful girl, and
after agreeing to call upon her that evening
at Pentonville Prison, I returned to my

b 2

SCRAGFORD'S FARTHING

chambers. At about eight o'clock I visited my phrase, ' I am innocent, sir, save me.' ' I will
client in the dungeon ; the poor girl was well do my best,' I said, and parted from her at
nigh frantic, and implored me to tell her of the door of her cell. Being but young at
what she was accused. I was obliged to the time I was unable to restrain some feel-
inform her that, by the wisdom of our law, ing of compassion for this girl, whom 1 thus

TMc ENTRY OF LORD JUSTICh PH'PINUS.

this could not be disclosed to her until she left in her prison garb so freely bespattered

had been thrice warned by a police inspector with broad arrows, and burdened with heavy

that every word she uttered would be taken chains.

down and used as evidence against her. All " That night in bed I revolved the matter

I could elicit from her was the oft-repeated round and round in my brain, but it always

BEHIND THE VEIL.

came back to the same place. I could find
no solution and no rest, and sucli was my
discomfort that I felt almost inclined to dis-
card my wig, but I am glad to say that the
love of my profession conquered. I had just
fallen into a fitful doze when I was awakened
by the opening of my door and the entry of
a flashily dressed individual.

" ' What do you mean,' he said angrily,
' by taking this ridiculous case ? '

" ' To which of my cases do you refer ? '
I queried.

" ' You have only one,' he sneered ; ' why
did you take it ? '

" ' If you refer to that of the lady who
to-day appealed for my protection, know, sir,
that I, like every other member of the English
bar, am ever ready to defend the cause of
distressed and solvent beauty.' I was young
and my blood was hot."

As the old judge said this his eye flashed
with the fire of youth, and a low murmur of
admiration and acquiescence passed round
his auditory. He resumed :

" ' Pshaw ! I will make it worth your
while to prosecute,' the intruder went on,
fingering a large bundle of bank-notes.

" I subdued my anger and, great as was
the sum offered, I refused it, and explained
that it was contrary to the etiquette of our
profession to relinquish a brief until the con-
viction or acquittal of the client, and that I
could not with my existing pressure of busi-
ness hold two opposing briefs in the same
case. With an expression of disgust he
dashed from the room.

"The next day was the day fixed for the
trial, and the Lord Chancellor had placed
the case upon his list. I was up betimes,
and busied myself in drawing my brief.
^^'hen 1 entered the Court at Westminster it
was filled to overflowing with the number of
people, mostly professionals, who had come
to assist at my debut. My old coach, John
Huggins, seated among the common Ser-
jeants, shook my hand encouragingly as I
followed my client into the dock. Bets were
passed freely, and, so far as I could ascertain
from the usher of the court, Huggins was the

only taker even at four to one against me.
My client wore her prison garb with an
indescribable coquetry, and she leaned heavily
on my arm.

" The charge was read over, and my client
shuddered. ' It was not a tinderbox ! ' she
cried, ' I am innocent.'

" In my opening speech I contented my-
self with promising the court that my wit-
nesses would show the utter falsity of those
who were to be called for the prosecution,
and then the long stream of hostile evidence
began. The doctor, the banker, the gun-
smith, an expert in handwriting, the cabin
boy, MacGregor the gillie, and the man from
whom the book was bought; each, in turn,
contributed his quota of damning evidence,
and after the opening speech for the Crow-n,
I saw Huggins frantically trying to hedge —
things looked black indeed.

" I rose to my feet and loudly called my
own name, then stepped into the box and
was sworn. Returning to my place in the
dock I asked, ' Herbert Pippings, what do
you know of this case ? ' I regained the box,
and once more kissing the book I divulged
my story. I told of how a man visited a
lawyer at midnight, of how he attempted to
suborn him, and of how he was foiled. Then
descending once more from the box I asked
myself ' Who was that lawyer ? and who that
man ? ' I stepped once more into the box
amid a hush of eager expectation during
which I could have heard a horse hair pin
fall from the Vice-Chancellor's wig, and,
striking my chest, I cried out, 'I am that
lawyer, and,' pointing to the foreman of the
jury, ' Thou art the man I '

"The Lord Chancellor issued the usual

peremptory mandamus, and my client left

the box without a stain upon her character."
* * * *

"But, my lud," said a youthful junior,
after the frenzied applause had subsided,
" what was the charge against the girl?"

" Ah : my boy," returned the judge,
smiling kindly, "you have still much to
learn from such stories as this of the etiquette
of our profession."

Readers of " Scragford's ! "

Next month OUR LAWYER will tell of "The Witness's
Revenge," a story of Damages in Chancery.

YE KNIQHTE OF OLDE.

From the picture by wwilliam bbrown, in the possession of Alderman Suss.

'^e (]Rnig^^e of Of^e.

A MEDITATION

Cissy Hasp.

See ! the silver Clarions bray,

Th' Lists are set, the Gages giv'n,

Champions join the Tourney's fray

(Spirits soon will wend to Heav'n).

Mowbray, Marlbro', Launcelote,

Roland, Hudibras, Morold,

Cceur de Lion, Don Quixote,

Raleigh, — and our Knighte of Olde.

Mark the Jousting's dinning sound,

Clash of steel and clang of Glaive,

Maces on the Vizors pound,

Truncheons crested helmets save 1

Ne'er " Ye Knighte of Olde " dismay'd.

Ever foremost, him we find ;

Wearied in the tan are laid

Friend and Foeman, far behind.

High he rears his casque of steel

Decorate with fairest jew'lry ;

Culverins his vict'ries peal.

None now heed the jester's fool'ry ;

Smiling glances sound his praise ;

Seeks he Dame of high degree ?

Quiv'ring heartstrings meet that gaze ;

Heav'ns ! his orb hath fi.\"d on me !

On tne ! ! on me 1 1 ! o?i vie ! ! '. '. on me ! ! ! .' !

Alas, the vision fair is gone for ever after more I
Never again shall I behold th' adored Knight of yore.
For, lo, that stalwart figure, which then so real did seem.
Was but a scrumptious vision, the Phantom of my Dream.

\uthor of

I he Doom of Ramsgate
The Celluloid Octopus
The Serene Klunkey ; Un-
der the Royal Fist ; The
Imperial Huttons ; The
"'.lue Bulgarian Hand ;
The Plagiarist of Hope ;
and other short stories.

The story of a stirring episode of the Silurian
Dukedom. It tells of the daring deeds of aristo_
crats, of the sudden death of an archbishop, of
the dissolution cf a cabinet, of the fearful fate
of a minister, and of a veteran's valour. A
ycung Ketzerhaupt tells the story.

It was a stirring time during those days when
Green-toothed George made his last grim
dart at the archdukedom of Siluria. I was
only a young Ketzerhaupt of the Black
Gross-Herzoglicher Hof Guards, but I knew
as much of the back workings of my master's
trams as most men. I knew the story of
the dead grisette, and the reason why the old
castle gate was always locked at three, but I
stayed mum as a mouse and kept my mouth
shut. Not that I did not have amusements
too, as many a fair madchen of Blagdensburg
could have told. Heigho !

One cold evening in January, when the
wind wailed down the tall beetling streets of
the capital, I relieved Captain Cohenstein on
guard at the palace gates, and prepared to
remain in command of the royal postern for
the rest of the night. The sergeant of the
outlying picket had reported all secure, and
the soft stertorous breathing of the troops in
the guard-room showed that all was quiet.
The hea\-) tiead of the sentinel lulled me

into a doze as I sipped my tankard of lager.
Just as I had sunk into a profound sleep, a
clatter of hoofs roused me into alertness. I
heard the hoarse roar as the sentry challenged,
then silence. Then the sharp bang of a
musket, and a bullet clave the night like an
angry hornet. A piercing shriek replied to
the discharge— the bullet had gone home.
Old Krakskul, the sergeant, strode in grimly.
"Sir," he reported, "a horseman has been
wounded."

I sprang to my feet and called him to
"attention," then bade him bring in the
injured man. In a moment he returned with
two troopers bearing a human being clad as
one of the Lithographic Hussars. I gazed
astounded, for by the flickering light of the
horn lantern I could see it was a woman in
male attire, and that the most beautiful I
had ever seen. Her wine-coloured hair was
not all through the door when her slender
body was already stretched in the centre of
the spacious guard-room.

FOR THE ROYAL RUSKS.

I rushed to her side to learn something of
the mystery. " A thousand pardons, madam,"
I cried.

The beautiful creature raised herself to her
elbow and drew a large parchment envelope
from her bosom. " For him," she moaned,
and the blood poured from her lips in volumes.
With a thrill I noticed it was quite blue,
and at once recognised the Archduchess-
mother. I gazed at the heavy seal, and
became aware that the fate of the infant Duke
was at stake. I must deliver this missive
without a moment's delay to the Minister of
Agriculture. " Krakskul," I cried, "you
know your duty." He threw back his head
and saluted stiffly. Two minutes later I
was pounding along the Blagdensburg road
mounted on my old war-horse. " Halloa !
comrade," I whispered to him, "these are
stirring days. All Siluria hangs on your
brave pins to-night." With the responsive
instinct of an animal, Megatherium pricked
his flea-bitten ears and crunched the bit
between his long teeth.

Far behind me I could hear that I was not
a moment too soon, for evidently the alarm
had been raised. Drums were rolling the
assembly, bugles shrieked as though en-
deavouring to drown the wild clangour of the
tocsin of the arsenal tower, lights flashed in
the palace windows, the carillon of the
cathedral played the national anthem back-
wards with revolutionary ardour, the spattered
ripple of musketry showed that disorder was
rife among the burghers, and above all the
silent boom of a minute gun penetrated the
din with gruesome intensity. To the south,
two rockets bore their blazing tails into the
sky — evidently a signal. Twenty minutes'
hard riding brought me to the Ministry of
Agriculture, situated as it was amid the broad
expanse of the Blunkenheim moors. I
clanged the bell of the Schloss with im-
patience. A trembling porter opened the
yawning door. "Where is your master?"
I queried sternly. The man gazed at me in
confusion, and stammered that the Graf was
in bed. " Liar and traitor ! " I exclaimed,
and clave him in two with my sabre ; then
striding over his palpitating pieces, stepped
up the stairs to the metallic minister's study.

I rapped sharply at the door. A harsh
voice of iron bade me enter. I obeyed, and
confronted the statesman seated at his writ-
ing-desk, inflexible as graphite, his eagle nose
resting upon his decorated breast. This
w^as the man the threads of whose wire web
communicated with every Court in Europe,
and whose leaden thumb pressed alike on

prince and peasant. His piercing steel grey
eyes rested upon me as I entered, and con-
cealed an imperceptible start.

" Fray what brings Count von Tchernivitch
to see me here ? "

I clashed my spurs, saluted stiffly, and
proffered him the blood-stained despatch.

His reserve deserted him. He snatched
it from my hand. He quickly tore it open,
and keenly perused its contents.

" By heavens ! I had not expected this,"
he growled. " Green-toothed George is now
in Blagdensburg, only our swords stand
between him and our master."

My ears tingled at this, and I grasped my
hilt until the blood spurted from beneath my
finger-nails.

" Hark," cried the minister, " what is
that?"

1 heard soft footsteps creeping up the
stairs with a thrill of excitement. I flung
open the doors and poured the contents of
my two revolvers into the darkness. The
old minister gripped his sword and bade me
follow him. We hurled ourselves into the
dark passage and began slowly fighting our
way along the landing. The musical clash
of blades was only broken by the soft squeak-
ing of steel passing through human flesh.
Twice I felt a rapier like a red-hot needle
transfix the calf of my leg, seventeen times I
felt my point encounter the unresisting
bosoms of various of my opponents. At
last we reached the staircase already cum-
bered with a heap of dead. My feet slid
upon the steps as I waded through the stream
of gore which trickled sluggishly down them.
Once a shower of sparks from my hilt showed
me the metallic minister driving back a score
of insurgent nobles to the further end of the
marble vestibule. I rushed to his assistance,
and in four and a half minutes the whole of
our enemies were breathing their last. " To
horse 1 " cried the great man, and three
minutes and thirty seconds later we were
galloping back to Blagdensburg, where I could
see the flames of the city reddening the sky
with lurid tongues.

All through that ride the minister never
uttered a word. It is not for a plain blunt
soldier like me to judge what is fit for a poli-
tician to think or not to think, but I have
often wondered what was passing through
Graf von Elecktronoff's mind during that
momentous gallop. Did he foresee that the
revolution would involve the land in a war
which would ruin his own golden opportunity,
or did he — perhaps — who knows? Twice
we dashed through ambushes of our despe

SCRAGFORD'S FARTHING.

rate foes, and twice two score of bullets
whistled harmlessly over our ears. At last,
with rowelled and weary horses, we gained
the gate of the town, which we found deserted,
and, lying in the centre of the road, we saw
a figure wrapped in a rich purple robe.

We reverently raised it, and saw that our
suspicions were but too true — it covered the
venerable countenance of the Cardinal Arch-
bishop. He had been shot through the
heart in seven places and a bayonet trans-
fixed his breast.

" Ah, I had counted on his support with
the people," grunted the ministi;r. The
words were wrenched from the iron man with
the sound of an old sword being dragged
from a rusty scabbard.

It struck me at the time how mutable were
the affairs of life just seven chance bullets
and a careless bayonet-thrust, and a great
and good man had passed from our midst.
Old ElecktronofTs eye brightened with a
gleam of moisture, then he vaulted heavily
into the saddle, but with an agility remark-
able in one of his years.

We left the good prelate's corpse in the
moonlight peering through the tall spires of
the town. We clattered wildly through the
streets as we urged our chargers over the
blood-stained cobble-stones towards the
Bahnhof. As we darted down the dark
alleys the din retrebled, and now the thud of
dynamite explosions mingled with the crack-
ling rumble of the machine-guns and the
crash and recrash of musketry. At the
station we found all confusion. Wild-eyed
men were hurrying to and fro ; a shattered
squadron of sappers were helplessly endea-
vouring to re-form upon their lost maxim
detachment ; wounded men were crying, not
in vain, to be put out of their agony, commis-
sariat officers ran hither and thither shouting
counter orders to a mass of men, horses and
mules who were madly striving to extricate
caissons, ambulances, tumbrils, limbers,
ammunition waggons, guns, and all the 7)iatc-
riel of transport from the unutterable confu-
sion in which they were locked. The spark-
ling flames from a pile of broken water-carts
licked the great face of the station clock,
whose hands twisted as though hastening to
escape the dreadful hour. Swarms of gal-
lopers and staff officers, black with the fumes
of smokeless powder, cut their way through
the seething crowd, shrieking out details of
reverse and disaster. A projectile tore out
the wall of a neighbouring villa, and severing
a lamp-post, plunged angrily into the pave-
ment. In the flash of its detonation it exposed

the headless trunk of the late owner of the
home it had wrecked. Above us the exploding
shells danced a devil's tattoo among the silent
stars, who often hid themselves behind the
smoke of battle, as though ashamed to wit-
ness such a sight. The whole complicated
machinery of war was in active operation.
The great Silurian army was engaged in
conflict.

A few of the Household troops were
huddled round an old cabman's shelter,
where a vivandiere was dispensing emergency
rations among a torrent of rough soldier
talk and badinage. Old Elecktrondff reined
in his horse.

" You see, Tchernivitch, how my mobilisa-
tion scheme works," he said grimly. Then
he thundered in a voice of brass, " Where is
General Bunslau ? "

A wounded trooper tottered forward,
clicked his heels, saluted stiffly, and clutched
the minister's stirrup. " Excellency," he
gasped, " where he is now I do not know —
he trod upon a dynamite bomb in the market
place."

To us who knew the general well there
could be no doubt.

" Ugh ! " grated the Minister of Agri-
culture, " they have planned well, it is for us
to plan better."

We learned from the vivandiere that Green-
toothed George had declared himself Arch-
duke, had crowned himself in the cathedral,
slaughtered the Cardinal and gained over the
clergy ; that the army and National Guard
had gone over en masse to the usurper, and
that those whom we saw and one sergeant of
the palace guards were the only survivors
of those who had remained loyal ; that the
rebels were then attacking the castle postern,
and thai that sergeant alone held them at
bay.

" Oood old Krakskul ! " I murmured,
thrilling with a generous esprit de corps.

Three minutes and twenty-five seconds
later we were in the third-class refreshment
room, where a Cabinet Council had been
hastily summoned.

The brilliant uniforms and decoraitons
formed a strange contrast to the dingy sur-
roundings of beer-barrels and black bread
sandwiches.

The Premier, I'rince von Steinberg, drew
himself to his full height. " Graf von
Elecktrondff," he said solemnly, " you arrive
at a moment of national peril, when the
destinies of Siluria tremble in the balance.
A false step, a slight blunder, a trifling error,
a minute mistake, an unforeseen occurrence,

FOR THE ROYAL RUSKS.

a misconceived order, a trivial accident, may I clenched my teeth and saluted stiffly,

ruin all.'' " Excellency, I am not," I answered.

As the Premier spoke a colos.sal flash " That is well," he said. " The Steinberg

beggared the levin bolt. The Cabinet Cabinet is no more." As he said this, for

Council and the refreshment room vanished one instant, a mercurial smile played under

Old Electronoff reined in his horse,

like a dissolving view, and 1 found myself his silver moustache. Then he continued

plunged in darkness. briskly, "This drain leads to the postern.

A rasping voice close by my ear whispered, Follow me."

" Tchernivitch, we have been blown into the We tore down the unsavoury alley. In

main drain — are you hurt?" It was old fourteen minutes and four-sixteenths of a

Elecktronoff. second we reached the nineteenth manhole.

SCRAGFORD'S FARTHING.

ElecktronulT raised its lid cautiously and
emerged on to the battlements. When we
peeped over, the scene which met our eyes
was beyond description. We saw the deep
chasm which separated the Hof from the
hills towards the north. It was six hundred
feet in depth, and its abyss, which even the
lurid flames of the burning town failed to
illumine, was shrouded in darkness. Across
it from beneath our feet stretched the mighty
Boris Suspension Bridge, built by and named
after the late Archduke. Its span was five
hundred yards and its breadth sixty feet, and
its girders glowed as if in red heat in the
flickering glare of the doomed city. Upon
it we beheld a great army of rebel soldiers,
desperate revolutionaries, sleek burghers and
Silurian clergy, beneath whose unaccustomed
weight the mighty structure quivered and
sagged. On their faces the fire-light dis-
played rage, hatred, and baffled fury. The
palace end of the bridge was clear for the
space of twenty yards, and those who stood
nearest to us were half turned away, and
seemed as if striving to force their way back
among those who pressed forward from
behind. Why were these men afraid ? Why
did they hang back ? . We craned further
over the battlements and saw just beneath
us, at the top of the fan-shaped staircase
which leads dow'n from the narrow postern
to the bridge, a gaunt military figure leaning
upon his rifle with bayonet fixed. It was
old Krakskul. Just then, as if on purpose,
a flash of livid forked lightning illumined the
abysmal chasm beneath, and we saw why it
was that that great host had fear amongst
them. Strewn on the granite rocks beneath
were the battered corpses of an army as great
as that which stood before us on the bridge.
Each man of that army had tried conclusions
with that single hero, each man had met his
fate at the point of that bayonet, and each
man had crashed down to the rocks below
with the same dull thud only to make room
for another to follow him !

A slight stir was apparent among the front
ranks of the foe, and from amidst the hustling
crew emerged the swart stunted figure of
Green-toothed George. He foamed at the
mouth and bit his teeth till the blood flowed
profusely, not blue but only violet, because of
the base origin of his morganatic mother.
He turned to his followers in fierce fury.

" Curs, cravens, cringing cripples, cursed
cowards," he cried, "rapscallions, hounds,
and misbegotten swine, poltroons and ruftians,
do you fear one man ? "

They withered beneath his scorn. Then

he faced old Krakskul, and drawing his
rai)ier from its scabbard and wrajiping his
cloak around his other arm, addressed his
worthy opponent.

'' Well have you fought, and have obtained
your prize," he shouted ; " the slaughter of
these weak Silurian slaves, whose very host
might well have made a man of baser mettle
tremljle " — he pointed to the depths beneath
the great bridge — " hath been yours. Your
prize is yet to learn, and this then know. You
have achieved the signal dignity, which on this
field of battle from my hand alone you can
receive — the noble honour of being dubbed
what chivalry acclaims Knight Banneret —
and this I dub you — thus ! "

Throughout this speech the half royal
miscreant had been slowly, almost imper-
ceptibly, edging up the staircase, and at the
last word he gave a traitor thrust at the
sergeant's exposed side. A muflled groan
and cries of shame rose up even from his
own followers; however, Sir William Krakskul
deftly turned aside the blow, at the same
time calling out with military precision,
" Parry number thirty-six." Then swiftly
lunging forwards with the words " Thrust
number three," he plunged his bayonet and
rifle through the usurper's breast right up to
the trigger. He was unable to withdraw the
weapon, and so turning it round in his hand
with the hideous corpse writhing in strange
contortions upon it he unfixed his sword
bayonet and, casting the encumbered weapon
from him, faced his foes once more. The
crowd uttered a deep roar of satisfaction at
the sight of his partial disarmament, and I
could see that long pikes were being passed
forward to those in the front row. At this
moment I saw what was, perhaps, the bravest
deed of that day of deeds. .

Elecktronoff, who had been leaning far out
over the battlement, sprang from my side
and leapt upon the parapet. In the glowing
light his bronzed face shone out almost like
burnished copper, and a tear glistened in his
eye like a bead of solder on a biscuit tin.
Was he thinking of his child-wife Ciretchen
far away among the northern mountains ?
Bending slowl)- forward he jumped towards
the bridge and clutched at one of the great
hawsers which bound it to the castle. At
first he clung to the iron rope immovable,
but gradually I saw him begin to swing first
to the right then to the left. Had that
radium brain given way? The crowd be-
yond gazed up at him in stupefaction. My
eyes followed the swinging cable back to the
stones of the castle, and at last I saw what

FOR THE ROYAL RUSKS.

the keen eye of the great man had noticed.
The hawser 7vas frayed doivn to one single
strand.

Still the metallic minister swung, back-
wards and forwards, and still the crowd
gazed up at him in amazement, for he had
been recognised. Finally a shrill piping
voice from the crowd shrieked out in terror-
stricken accents : " The bridge is falling !
The bridge is falling ! " This frenzied cry was
instantly taken up by hundreds of trem-
bling throats.
Krakskul and
the usurper,
loyalty and
rebellion were
forgotten —
skins, sound
skins, alone
were at a pre-
mium. But it
was too late.
Before the
awful news
had communi-
cated itself to
one third of
the doomed
host the cable
parted with a
report like a
pistol. I saw
a last vision of
the iron man
immeshed in
the coils of the
released haw-
ser, whirled
high in the
air as if by
an enraged
python, and
then hurled
lifeless to his
hero's grave.
With a rapid
fusillade the

remaining Was he thinking of his

cables snapped

like cobweb strands, and the huge structure
trembled for an instant and then thundered
down into the darkness, bearing its shrieking
burden to their doom.

I slid down one of the broken ends of the
bridge supports on to the narrow platform
before the postern, and gripped the newly
created Sir William Krakskul by the hand.
He was ghastly pale, but curled his mous-
tache and saluted stiffly.

"Noble man," I said, and again clutched
his reeking hand. " You have fought," I
pursued, " as no man ever fought before or
since I "

" Ketzerhaupt," quoth the veteran, " I have
tried to obey my orders. Have I your per-
mission to go off duty ? " Needless to say
this was immediately granted.

Old Krakskul slowly raised his twisted
bayonet to the salute, then, in a voice which
rings in my ears to-day, " Hoch ! Hoch ! !

Hoch : 1 :" he
shouted, "it
was a good
fight. Long
live Archduke
Francis of
Siluri — ah ! '

The last
syllable sank
into a deep
sigh, his knees
gave a little,
his head fell
forward on
to his neck,
his whole

frame shud-
dered, and,
before I could
stretch out
my hand to
save him, he
pitched for-
wards and dis-
appeared into
the chasm.
As he fell I
saw a deep
black wound
between his
s'h o u 1 d e r s ,
from which
the last drops
of his life
blood slowly
oozed.

Even L
rough soldier,
inured to war in all its phases, could not
restrain the lump which rose to my throat.

I entered the ])ostern and hastened through
the echoing corridors of the deserted palace
to the archducal night nurser)-, and turned
reverently to the cot which held him for
and against whom so many had fought and
died.

Between the damask sheets, his face turned
towards the half-curtained window, and his

child-wife Gretchen ?

^^o

SCRAGFORD'S FARTHING.

fair golden curls clustering like an aureole
around it, lay the sweet child. His tiny
hands, the dimpled thumb of the one gently
locked in the little finger of the other, lay
beside him on the soft pillow. The right
hand showed its rosy palm, and its thumb
nestled just above his pouting lips. The
little fingers were stretched out towards the
window as if welcoming the first rays of dawn.
As I gazed in silent wonder the sun's rays
filtered through the overhanging pall of smoke

which covered the ashes of Blagdensburg and
rested on my sovereign's face, which became
transfigured by their kindly effulgence. It
might have been a portent.

The beautiful child started from slumber
with a rippling laugh, and smiling again to
see me with him. " Dukie 'ants his beckie,
oo nice soldier-man."

I dropped on one knee, clanked my sabre,
saluted stiffly, and then backed out of the
apartment to fetch the royal rusks and milk.

Readers of

" Scragford's !

f ^

Keep your eyes open for next month, when QUAX
BLUNDERTHUD will relate an even more sanguinary
story about an Emperor, entitled " The Purple

Boots."

TO SPRING.

Samuel Johnson.

Readers of " Scragford's " should all be glad to read an original piece of poetry by
Dr. Johnson ; he was a great writer in times gone by. This little poem ivas taken from his
Dictionary, where it was buried in e.xamples.

\-^.

■C

i>^

To issue with effect or force ;
Proceeding, as from ancestors, a town,
Or country, or as from some ground,
Or from some cause or reason.

To grow, thrive, bound, to leap or jump.
Hastily rush or suddenly appear.
To fly with pow'r elastic ; start,
Or rise up from a covert.

To issue from a fountain, or

As from a source proceed ; to shoot ;

AVith speed or even violence

To issue

rousmg game.

Quickly or unexpectedly
Produce or make by starting (as a leak)
If to a ship applied : Discharge,
If spoken of a mine.

All on a sudden to contrive ;
Produce with haste or unexpectedly
To offer ; or by leaping pass —
The last a barbarous use.

A Powerful

Short Story.

Being a stirring adventure which happened to a young Englishman. In which are graphically
described the methods of one of Italy's many secret societies, and hov/ it was foiled. The story

contains a strong love interest.

Brixton Maphik.

CHAPTER I

" None of your beastly foreign smokes for
me," muttered Prosper Brumyard, outside
stockbroker and tourist, as he crammed some
English tobacco into the serrated bowl of his
briar. He gazed at the level surface of the
azure Mediterranean, and thought ruefully
of the day not far thence when stern business
would once more call him from the silent
shores of the sunny South back to the noisy
alleys of the Exchange, and he thought with
a smile of the tennis party that afternoon, an
invitation to which from the British repre-
sentative lay snugly in his blazer pocket.

Beside him stood a beautiful native girl.
She was the waitress at the hotel at which he
was staying, Rosina by name, and her raven
locks and great deep eyes left no secret of
her Italian nationality. Prosper pressed a
five-lira piece into her hand, and thanked
her for bringing his coffee to the garden.
"Oh, signore," she said, "I take pleasure in
doing anything for one of your generous
race." He semi-negatived the implied com-
pliment with a half movement of the hand,
and, as the girl left, turned once more to the
transparent waters and leisurely puffed at his
pipe.

He was disturbed by a footstep, and half-
turning from the hotel rocking-chair in which
he had been sitting, confronted an Italian

peasant swathed in a dark and ragged cloak,
his face invisible beneath the sable shade of
a slouch hat drawn over his eyes. The man
whistled slowly three or four bars of a haunt-
ing air in a peculiar cadence. Prosper
coughed accidentally : the intruder started,
raised his hat, and beheld our young Britisher.
His blue-black glossy ringlets flashed in the
sun, and his regular Italian teeth showed him
to be a true Neapolitan. With a gesture of
infinite grace he bowed, and excused himself
in the musical tones of his mother tongue.

" Buono dopo mezzogiorno, signore, I see
Queen Nicotine also claims you as her con-
stant slave. Might I, without impertinence,
crave the temporary loan of the English
signor's pipe in order to re-allumine my
cigaretta ? "

" Always ready to oblige a bloke," said
the young Anglo-Saxon bluntly, proffering
his glowing bowl.

The Italian accepted it, and returned it
to its owner with all the courtesy of the
treacherous South. Prosper, remembering
the entertainment at the Consul's, bid his
companion good-day and stepped briskly up
to the picturesque little old-world town of
Ca.sabianca.

" Rum coves, these foreigners," he re-
marked, half contemptuously. He would

BUNNIE.

have thought them rummer had he stayed, for no sooner was he out of sight than the
peasant's face became transfixed with hatred and paled under its brown skin with hideous
jealousy.

" Sono soffiato ! " he hissed with a fearful Italian oath, " how handsome these
English are ! Were even la bella Rosina to see him I fear my suit might
he im[)crilled. But 'By night all knives are razors,' as we Italians say."

But of this Prosper knew nothing, and still less did he know that the
haunting air which his receptive ear was whistling was the secret signal

of the Fratelli dei Spaghetti.

At the Consul's Prosper found
all merriment and
gaiety. The elite
of the English
families were pre-
sent, most of whom
he had already
met at the

" Always ready to oblige a bloke," said the young Anglo-Saxon.

table dhote, but, besides these, several of
the better-to-^o natives had been invited by
our broad-minded representative, and had
gladly availed themselves of the opportunity
of cultivating the acquaintance of the beauti-
ful Northern race.

The Consul received Prosper with real
heartiness.

"Welcome, Mr. Brumyard," he said.
" You will know most of us. Let me
present you to a new arrival. Miss Cogg-

shawle, and," he added in a lower voice,

" very rich."

A pair of pink eyes floated before him,

and Prosper realised that he had met his

fate.

*******

Three hours later he emerged from an
arbour an engaged man.

" We'll meet again to-morrow, Bunnie, my
dear girl, and I'll interview your guv'nor to
settle up accounts."

SCRAGFORD'S FARTHING.

The beautiful albino flushed to the roots
of her snowy hair, and a warm, gentle pressure
of the hand was her only response.

It was with a light heart that our young
hero sauntered over to the refreshment table
and broke the glad news to his host

" My dear fellow, I congratulate you," said
the latter, " but I advise you to get her out
of this countr}- as soon as possible ; I don't
like the look of things at all."

"Why?" said Prosper, half
" what's up ^ "

The Consul bit his cigar grimly.
is a nasty anti-foreign spirit about.

" and I think
rather ugly.

"There
he said,
matters look
Pshaw, these
Southern devils are a trea-
cherous lot."

" Surely we have nothing
to fear from fel-
lows like that ;
after all, they
are only niggers,"
said Prosper,
pointing with his
finger to a dark-
skinned man in
gorgeous uniform
who stood close
by.

" For Heaven's
sake be careful,"
whispered his
host. " You must remember
you are not in London now."

At that moment a messenger
handed the Consul a telegram,
and as he- scanned its contents
a muttered imprecation escaped
him : " By Gad, this is too
much ! "

"What's the game?" inter-
rupted Prosper.

"A dark one," returned the
other. "This is the sixth English
girl murdered by that infernal
secret society in a week. I shall wire the
F. O. to-night. Perhaps you have not heard
of the Fratelli dei Spaghetti — the Paste-string

desperate

opera at Leghorn, and the local authorities
refused to take any steps, that we realised
how far it had gone, for it seemed that only
the day before her husband had unwittingly
carved his name upon the nose of the l*"arnese
Hercules."

"But why did they go for the missis?"
ciied the young man, half in horror, half in
indignation.

" Ahah ! " replied the official, " there you

surprised ; lay your finger on the spot. These foreigners

are a queer set of people, and they argue on

the principle of a tooth for a tooth. The
Brotherhood say that the so-called art treasure
monuments are their dearest possessions,
and that whoever destroys them must
lose his own ; therefore they invariably
kill the wife, daughter, or sweetheart of
the victim who has transgressed their
crazy laws. In short, they
act on the motto, ' Cherchez
la femme.

about the

tennis
crowd

Another point
Brotherhood is
its secret whistle
known only to
the members,
and by which
they recognise
each other in
the dark."

Prosper thread-
ed his way past
awn and through
of swarthy faces
which gazed half contemp-
tuously, half angrily, and half
in envy of the skill and sup-
pleness of the bull-dog breed.
As he passed he overheard a
young marchese .say to his
neighbour : " Their strength
and their beauty are even as
their madness — immense,
prodigious."

Once in the Corso of Casa-
bianca he instinctively drew
from his pocket his red-bound guide-book
and the list of sights which he had made
that morning. He at once perceived that
he had not yet visited the picture gallery for

He flew ... a thousand
monstrous imaginings crash-
ing through his brain.

Brotherhood. They are a desperate body,

banded together to avenge supposed insults which the old town was famous, and decided

offered to Italian works of art by English upon doing it before the gathering darkness

tourists. Originally a small antiquarian
society formed to preserve ancient monu-
ments, they have developed into a formid-
able organisation with ramifications in every
town and village in the country. It was
only when
stabbed to

the wife of an Englishman was
death in the foyer of the grand

made it impossible. He learned from the
"Baedeker" that the Daphne by Bacco,
which was trebly starred, was the principal
object of interest, and he soon found himself
before it. In the half light he could scarcely
distinguish the portrait, and felt in his pocket
for a match with which to illumine the dark-

BUNNIE.

ncss. As he was wearing indiarubber tennis
shoes and flannels, he drew the lucifer rapidly
across the ancient canvas. This operation
he had to repeat several times before the
damp vesta spluttered into a flame, when he
was able to examine his guide-book. He
read : —

Daphne by Bacco (1610-1676) or one of the
Bacchi (most probably byCorpi di Aq) employ-
ing the Bacchic motives of the Reveil du Soulard
(Drinkwater Gallery). Bongs says of this picture
that it "seems painted rather by the hand tlian by
the foot." 4 ft. by 5 hands.

He half glanced at the picture and broke
into a cheery laugh, " Blest if my light hasn't
given her a pair of whiskers ! "

At that moment a snarling curse grated
upon his ears — he turned and confronted the
peasant of the morning. The man's polished
courtesy had vanished, and the dilated eyes
and livid face betrayed the savage, murderous

nature which lies beneath every Southern
breast.

" Swine of an Englishman," he raved,
" you have destroyed the masterpiece !
Mother of a Stiletto, but you shall pay for
this. I am Giuseppe, chief of the Paste-
strings — your sweetheart dies before dawn."

Prosper, with a furious lunge, endeavoured
to clinch matters by a sharp counter, but
the slipi^ery Italian eluded his grasp and
vanished as the match expired with a
mocking laugh.

The outside broker was at first dazed by
what had passed, but quickly gathering his
scattered wits he hurried swiftly from the
building. When he reached the ill-lit street
he flew with lightning speed, a thousand
monstrous imaginings crashing through his
brain. One thought stood out above the
rest — Bunnie was in danger .' Bunnie must
be saved ! !

CHAPTER II

Th.\t night at table d'/iote, when the talk
waxed gayest, and the resident Archdeacon
was telling a mirth-provoking story about an
interment. Prosper Brumyard was strangely
silent. He seemed unable to adapt his train
of thought to the conversation, and even
Bunnie's quips (for she was light-hearted that
day) could not provoke his usual breezy
laughter. The handsome Rosina pressed
him with the salade de saison for the
national Italian dish of naso del Papa, but
he refused it, and asked only for another
Scotch and water. Her liquid eyes broke
into a smile which displayed her beautiful
Southern teeth, and whispering " Whatever
the Signore desires of me," she swiftly de-
parted from the room. It was clear that the
girl took pleasure in serving the English
stranger. Prosper started, and then, as the
waitress returned with the beverage, relapsed
once more into thought, in which he re-
mained plunged. He mechanically refused
the Neapolitan ice and the cavalkria
angelica which followed it ; nor sweet nor
savoury had any attraction for him that
night — all his thoughts were of Bunnie and
her impending danger, of which he had been
the unwitting cause.

" And the funny part of it was," concluded
the Archdeacon, " that the coffin had brass
handles."

A general move was made to the verandah,
but Prosper did not join his fellow guests.

" Are you not coming, dear ? " said
Bunnie supplicatingly.

"Not just yet," he answered, half brusquely;
" wait for me in the reading-room, and don't
go on to the verandah."

The ultra-blonde passed from the room,
but too glad to display her new-found obe-
dience, and Prosper remained alone. He
was not long so, for the beautiful Rosina
soon returned, and advancing to the side of
his chair with all the warm undulating grace
of her Southern blood showing in her every
movement :

" To-night the Signor's plates have re-
turned to my hands all untouched. Is there
nothing the poor maid can do to please the
bel Inglese, as we girls of Casabianca call
him ? "

" You're an honest girl, Rosina, and I'll

tell you what

*******

Ten minutes later Prosper beheld a vision
which long remained seared upon his brain.
Standing upon the threshold of the French
window, which opened into the street, was
the form of the peasant beauty, Rosina. She
faced him with half parted lips, clasping the
casement. Her heaving bosom, which
seemed as if it must burst the rude corsets
that encircled it, rose and fell beneath the
long fur cloak which she wore. The cloak
was hooded and concealed her raven locks.

" I would do more than this for the

SCRAGFORD'S FARTHING.

Signore — I go." And clutching the cloak
more closely round her lithe figure she
stepped into the night. T/ie cloak was
Bunnie's.

Prosper reeled back, then ran to the
window and peered out, but the night was
black and moonless and the girl was lost to
sight in the narrow streets of the litde town.
He thought he saw a dark creeping figure
trlidinii on hands and
knees through the beam
of light which
stretched out
from the win-
dow, and he
seemed to
discern a
narrow
glint

Archdeacon's hat, muffler, and greatcoat, and
thrust them upon the trembling Bunnie.

" Don't say a word, but follow me at once,"
he whispered. " Our lives are in danger —
quick." And wrapping himself in his ulster
he led her hurriedly from the Ijuilding.
They sped along the narrow streets, hardly
pausing to consult the guide-book, and
reached the market-place. There a dreadful
sight assailed their eyes. A cloaked figure
was walking at the opposite side of the Piazza
when suddenly
men stealthily

a band of
surrounded
shriek of

" Oh, Prossy, how
thoughtful and clever
of you ! "

of light from .something in the figure's
mouth. Once more he heard the notes of
the haunting whistle of the morning and then
all was silence.

He rushed upstairs to the reading-room
six steps at a time, and clutching his sweet-
heart to his breast ran down wildly to the
hall with the girl in his arms. Hurriedly
commanding her silence, he snatched up the

terror rang out into the night and fifteen
stilettos glanced in the dim lamp-light and
rang out sharply as they clashed together in
the body of their victim.

The English couple fled down a side
street, and as they ran a deep wail of
anguish followed them. It was the voice of
Giuseppe, the leader of the Spaghetti, and it
cried :

BUN NIK.

" Rosina, Rosina, I have slain my Rosina,
whom I adored ! "

Within a quarter of an hour the British
Consul was reading the solemn and beautiful
words of the civil marriage service.

It was after the lapse of five years, and
Prosper Brumyard and his wife {nee Cogg-
shawle) were standing in their garden by the
fair standard rose which she had planted in
memory of the Italian peasant girl wlio had
died for her.

" How can we ever be sufficiently mindful

of her love and self-devotion, Prossy?"
queried the fair beauty.

" H'em, certainly, old girl," said her hus-
band, half musingly; "of course, yes. But
I don't think I ever told you exactly how it
happened. I wanted to save that poor girl
a lot of pain, so, knowing she must give up
her life for a hopeless love of me, I sent her
out to buy some cigars, and made her put
on your cloak because I said it was cold. I
lay low about the picture and those Spaghetti
coves."

"Oh, Prossy, how thoughtful and clever
of you ! "

A PHST0RHL.

Stormcloud and rain

On shore and plain

Fill ditch and drain —

So, when the sheet

Lies blank and neat

A poet's lines are cheap and sweet.

HEfPiroKC TiS-^TU^

Chaff !

Mr. Phunniman : " Howdee, old chappie,
what's the softest thing you know of— eh ? "
Mr. Stewpidman : " Your head."
Mr. Phunniman : " No, yours ! Ta, ta,
Baffy : "

(Collapse of Stewpidman.)

jv ^ > ^ V

Offal (Awful I)

Young Mr. Soninglor received a letter
from his wife's ma saying she was passing
through town, and would stop with them for
a week.

" Here, Maria," he groaned, " I am going
to Ecuador for twelve years ; perhaps I shall
see your ma when I come back." Was he
right ?

Peelings !

The Copper : " 'Ere, guv'nor, your goin'
more than twenty miles an hour"

MowTERisT {with his horn) : " Pip — Pip ! "
(Then he left.)

Leaving.s !

Mr. B called upon his intended. Miss

Honeysuckle. Old Mr. Honeysuckle kicked
him downstairs. He left !

^ t&

Garbage !

Mrs. Matrimony says she has nothing to
wear for Mrs. Smartset's evening party. Mr.
Matrimony says she would soon waste all
his Patrimony (money). Funny, isn't it —
eh?

^ ^ ^ ^ J^

WA.SH !

Scene : Seaside, Bather and his dog.
Bather takes his dip, leaving dog to guard
clothes. Enter tramp. Tramp throws dog
a bone. Dog runs after bone. Tramp
bone's bather's bags and leaves his own.
Dog returns and guards tramp's. Exit tramp.
Re-enter bather. Tableau ! (On the strict
Q. T.)

THE HI) I TOR'S PIG-TUB.

Dregs !

Mr. Drinkai.ot (returning at 3 A.^r. to
the wife of his bosom) : " I'sh {hie) beensli
{hie) t'mysh (hie) clubsli (///?)."

The Missus (from upstairs): "Oh! have
you ? "

Curtain (lecture).

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Pears !

Mr. Selly Bate : " Well, old chap, is it
a girl or a boy ? "

Mr. Kwivverful : " Both."

He then went to buy a sleeping draught !

Chestnuts !

H ma^oc of IJarmoutb in ancient times
beinfl b^ bie ottlce a justice of tbe ipeace,
anD one wbo was willing to Dispense tbe
laws in tbe wisest manner, tbougb be coulO
barDlB reDe, got bgniselfe a Statute boohe,
wbere, finding tbe law against firing a
beacon, reaO it "jfrging bacon or causing
it to be dfrieJ)," anO according went out tbe
nejt nigbt upon tbe scent, anO being DirecteO
bg bis nose to tbe carrier's bouse, be founD
tbe man and bis wife botb frying bacon, tbe
bnsbanD bolDing tbe pan wbile tbe wife
turncD it. JiSeing tbus caugbt in tbe act,
and baving notbing to say for tbemselves,
bis worsbip committeD tbem botb to prison
witbout bail or mainprije.-^oe /nbillcr's
Jests.

6ur kftartiing Wonders.

4^^

THE WORLD'S WIND RHAPBD.

This admirably simple table in
four dimensions will give all
" Scragford's " readers a clear idea
of how the world's wind may be
reaped.

JV.B. — A grain of salt placed
upon the tail of Hengler's comet
will add to the weight of the comet

^/2 /log P ^ 12 S

^,S \/ log X
n = log A. This marvel was sent
to us l)y a ploughboy- living near
Sandwich.

by P

2S\

Mr/

A FACT I

This, dear reader,
is the photo of a
human skeleton.

You, dear reader,
will be like this
some day. i

^ ^

MONSTROSITY, OR WHAT?

This man's feet are really only
the normal size, though you
might not think so. They were
nearer to the camera than his
head.

# ^

OUR STARTLING WONDERS.

THE CAMERA CANNOT LIE.

To the ordinary individual this appears
to be a photo of a bird in a cage. But

A CURIOUS HAT PEQ. ! W '■?^^°''^'' " [f^^^^-f . T" ^^^'^^ ^^^'^''''

r^,- , ^ .,, . , that this marvellous bird can speak three

This hat, as you will see, is hung upon a languages, besides being able to count and

pitchtork, on which curious peg its owner name each feather on its back

put It.

IN THE CLOUDS.

This house is not hanging from the sky, as you might suppose, but was pasted in a photo
album upside down by the four-year-old son of a post-master living near Chippenham ;
his father sent us the photo as it stood.

SCRAG FORD'S FARTHING.

SCRATCHINOS.

1 cannot leave you, dear reader, without
telling you my gratification at hearinLi; what
pleasure our last Grypula story is giving.
There was a grand number of the " Ragwort "
last week, and, from whisperings I hear
in our office, to-morrow's " Pennyroyal "
cannot be far worse. "Scragford's Weekly"

has a thrilling serial by Quax Blunderthud
and entitled " The Strange Omissions of a
Commissionaire " running now, and the popu-
larity of "Scragford's Bell Pull," "Scrag-
ford's Winks," "Scragford's Review," and the
" Evening Pail" is astonishing.

£ook out /or the nev " Scrag|or5 " venture—

««

SLOPS."

A BI-DAILY FOR GIRLS.

DIRECTIONS

Exposing to the Student the Whole

Manual Art

of the Trade.

Of the List of Contents.

The first subject with which I am con-
cerned is that table which enumerates the
matters that are to be found within the mag-a-
zine ; and this, although the smallest, is by
no means the least important of its component
parts. It is to this list that the readers will
look for guidance as to the further contents,
and there is therefore afforded to the Editor
an opportunity of giving an impression that
the issue contains many more stories, illustra-
tions, jests, and other items than it actually

c does

30 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL

does — such as he will not find elsewhere in the
periodical. The machinery by which this is
effected is two-fold.

(i) Firstly, every separate detail must be
referred to at great length, while preserving an
apparent conciseness of manner. Thus a story
is labelled " a complete story," a poem " an
original poem " (whether it be such or not), a
photograph "a reproduction of a photo" (a
word which should never be printed at length,
as under that guise it would confuse many of
the readers), and any sketch, however trivial,
should be termed " a reproduction of a photo
of a design." Further, the solitary artisan
who is employed to construct the pictures,
borders, and other embellishments, should be
mentioned under each individual heading and
with a distinct name, the selection of which
should of course be left to his own good taste
and sense of fitness and propriety.

(2) The second means of producing the
result required is the separate treatment of
items which by a careless person might be

deemed

DIRECTIONS. 31

deemed to be included in details already re-
ferred to or even be taken for granted. Thus,
especial mention of the outside cover should
always occur among the contents, also of the
inside of the outside cover and of the List of
Contents itself.

I had thought that perfection might be
attained by including such notices as : —

PAPER, A Snow-white Manufacture from a Chalk Quarry made by
TYPE. Of various Founts, set by ... ... ... ...

STITCHING. Steel Wire, drawn by

PASTE. An Original Composition by ...

but upon further deliberation I esteemed that
this practice would be a grave breach of the
rule by which the members of the staff of a
magazine preserve their complete nonentity.

C 2

32 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

Of the Outside Cover.

For this part of my model I feel that some
apology is due ; but I hope that I may be able
to disarm all criticism by saymg that it is a
combination of five possible covers rather than
a type of a single one. Any one of the figures
or the object depicted upon it could, if suffi-
ciently enlarged, serve as a complete cover.
The farthing, the ass, the owl, the goose, or
the swine — any one of them— -could stand
alone upon the outside of such a work and
fitly symbolise its nature. By grouping them
as they are here grouped, it is evident that I
am squandering materials which would well
befit future issues ; whereas it is an axiom of
the trade that for this purpose the strictest
economy must be observed. This rule is not
derived from the scarcity of the objects repre-
sented or from any deep reverence towards
them, as a broken bottle, an old umbrella, an
association football, a used postage stamp, a
dead kitten, or any other thing, if sufficiently

mean

DIRECTIONS.

?>?>

mean and indicative, will serve as an introduc-
tion to a perfect periodical. The origin of this
frugal practice must be sought in that feeling
of common honesty which forbids the trades-
man to supply goods of greater value than
their price.

Of the Serial Adventure.

'^THE MISSING LYNX."

In my preliminary treatise I touched
lightly upon the serial adventurer, his place in
the magazine, his general characteristics, and
his foolish companion. I consider Grypula an
absolutely perfect specimen of his kind, and
that any person, howsoever ignorant or illi-
terate, could — with the greatest of ease — write
an adventure a month for him over a long-
period of years on the lines I have indicated in
this chapter.

An important matter for observation in
regard to Grypula, and his peers, is that they
are to all intents and purposes endowed

with

34 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

with omnipotence, so that, no matter what
predicament they be in, the workman writing
the story can extricate them without recourse
to imagination or invention. The escape from
the hansom is an instance of this fact ; but,
further to illustrate it, I will give an example
of an unpublished accident in his career : —

" Grypula was bound hand and foot by mighty
steel chains to the fatal block. The hideous heads-
man advanced, bearing his reeking axe on high.
There was a moment's pause ere the blade descended
above his devoted neck — quick as a flash, by a slight
effort of the wrists, the strange man freed his hands
from the ligatures that bound them, seized the axe,
and," etc.

Thus the mystical hero is enabled to serve
as his own deits ex mackind, and the con-
structor of the story is saved all trouble which
might result from having allowed him to
require escape from an impossible position.

Another element fundamental to the serial
adventurer's nature is that to him alone of all
men in fact or fiction is it permitted to die
more than once without the interposition of

any

SERZAZ. ADVENTURE FORM

3 i^-f- ^aJe-a-'i-c-AL £-o~^\^ t.l4^£, c7i-o^<-c- (3 o-e^

-^JL. jff

Author's Name.

^•(3a.dl^<f €o~fQ-e,

Adventurer.

Name
Characteristics

Tame animal
Relaxation

Qn,J,f^<JLa.

'paJliLAjtoJti*i.C'. ifl-^^^tox-e. o~t^ Q-aAcL (Li,a^JL

aL.t<,a^ cct-'io, e-^,«_o-

J)tcya^t

ciy i_£.«Le-£- cLu^i^i^-i^i^u, ui-ALoo-t (ju^CtM^ /:i^icKCX-t.

Companion.

Name
Profession

1^ tA-t^t-UyOCl/i^

"(^rCoi.<>-<L.o- cX, <-o- 1

Opponent.

Name
Characteristics

<l>Jc

'yU^^c^^a^^^CtliJ(l, (^ fLX^^i/t^i-o- -a-Oca- c,<A.^tJta-i,*^^

Incident.

Mode of escape
Final victory

^. K-a.'^i. >»-i-<>a-<»-t.«^_G, Q^Pi^fc c*t cjUlQ.<x.n^,

i:^,OLA>-li- a- Lt. )pT-o-«-M_ \\fiLjC,

DIRECTIONS. 35

any miracle. For example, if in 1895 Grypula
falls shot through the heart, Bunyan reads the
burial services and sacrifices his last penny for
the raising of a monument, — some nine years
later Grypula enters Bunyan's study and con-
gratulates him upon the decease of his wife
and his succession to the Ducal estates. Thus
it will be seen that none of the difficulties
usually incident to the composition of fiction
attend the workman whom a magazine editor
commands to set up a chapter of serial adven-
ture. All that has to be done is for the Editor
to fill in the usual printed form, which I give
as prepared for this story.

This form the compositor pins up in
some convenient spot and, sitting down to
the Linotype or similar machine, taps off the
required chapter without the slightest mental
discomfort. The only rules which he must
observe are these : —

(a) The hero must never be made to display,
by word or gesture, any interest
in anything other than the game

which

^6 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

which he plays as a relaxation
from his arduous absence of in-
tellectual effort.

(|3) No matter how ordinary an act be
performed by the adventurer, the
companion, having "shuddered in-
voluntarily," must express surprise.

(7) The companion must never be allowed
to say or do anything that could
suggest his being capable of
thought or observation.

(S) The opponent must be referred to as
being endowed with immense
intelligence. Of this there should
be no other evidence.

(e) Supreme physical effort on the part of
the adventurer should be marked
by "a tiny bead of sweat."

With the object of instructing those
apprentices who are unacquainted with the
phrases in use in this species of work there
has been composed an invaluable book of
reference, now, I rejoice to say, in common

use

DIRECTIONS.

use, entitled " The Printer's Dictionary of
Serial Adventure Phrases." This small
volume, comprising no more than thirty
pages in all, has been of the greatest use
to me in making up this chapter. I will
give but a few examples from its pages, all
of which I have had need to use : —

(I.) "-, [ thought to jr- [self how strange

it was that

'I]
he\

the erstwhile

/ sharper \ / gentleman

tramp
valet
actor
burglar
[adventurer) should HOW be a i
\ thief ^

dentist
chiropodist

miner
\ b'c. I

Duke

King

Colonel

President

guest

confidant

Bishop

millionaire

K.C.

dfc.

(II.) " — poured out a stiff nobbier of — "

(III.) "Really — you know little of my
methods — "

(IV.) " Once again I noticed the extraordinary

phenomena connected with this

strange man, he — "

(V.) " — which showed a — remarkable in any

man but marvellous in one of his — "

(VI.) *' — as — a man as ever trod in shoe-
leather — '

(vn.)

PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

(VII.) "The

door \

trap
curtains
shutter

- opened and emitted a

I floor \
pavement
ground )

Before passing from this work I will refer
to the list of "speech verbs" to be employed
in rotation to avoid the too constant use of
the words " said " and " asked." Among
many others appear the following : —

answered

proceeded

explained

asked

snapped

announced

soliloquised

pursued

called out

commanded

whispered

hissed

chuckled

rejoined

muttered

directed

Quoth

/, luy she, you,
we or they

cried

/, he, she, you,
we or they

sighed

said

>»

queried

explained

groaned

shouted

moaned

murmured

quavered

»i

continued

mused

observed

retorted

added

))

interrogated

replied

DIRECTIONS.

Quoth

f /, he, she,
\ we, they,

/, he, she, you,
we or they

interrupted

( or the raven.

commented

', he, she, you,
we or they

ejaculated

11
II

predicated
raved

sneered

reiterated

»>

declared

remonstrated

postulated

roared

»>

remarked

grated

stated

grunted

bawled

screamed

begged

screeched

bellowed

shrieked

craved

simpered

croaked

snorted

demanded

thundered

entreated

wailed

gurgled

yelled

howled

hazarded

imparted

&c., &c.

In addition to this Dictionary, the value
of which is, I think, clear from the samples
I have given, the printing establishment of
a perfect magazine should be provided with
an improvement to the automatic type-casting
machines known in the trade as the '' Word
Supplier." This appliance is framed upon the
principle of those engines which distribute
sweetmeats, kerchiefs, and wax matches, on

the

40 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

the plan originally devised by Archimedes
to ensure a fair distribution of wine for the
ceremonial libations. It differs from these
only in that it operates by the pressure of
small buttons or springs, and in that it
distributes, ready cast, the types for printing
a series of adjectives applicable to certain
nouns substantive. The springs to be
pressed, which operate by electrical agency,
and of which there are twenty in number,
are labelled "Weird," "Magnificent," "Beau-
tiful," "Companion," "Hero," "Opponent,"
and the like, according to the nature of the
epithets delivered by their agency or of the
person whom they befit. The use of this
instrument as an adjunct to the linotype is
of incalculable benefit owing to its extreme
simplicity and the great saving of time
effected thereby. For example, the mechanic
has set up the Grypula story down to the
34th line of the 8th page. The last types
he has cast read " The skin and clothes fell
to the ground, while from the gaping shirt
front emerged — ." He desires to introduce

the

DIRECTIONS. 41

the adventurer himself, and it is obvious that
an ample supply of adjectives should precede
and escort him — he therefore applies his
forefinger to the cylinder marked " Hero "
for the period of seven seconds, and upon his
withdrawing it the small line of types falls
into the tray before him bearing the seven
adjectives required. In the case in point they
happened to be —

" Calm, smiling, dreamy, cold, unbending, bitter, pondering "

— " Grypula."

It will, I think, be thus seen that any
person can write one of these stories with
ease, and that with the aid of the above
stated engine even this facility can be greatly
augmented.

42 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

Of the Inflated Instructive Article.

"LONDON'S GOLD MINES."

In these Dustmen or Cheesemite articles
I find that the sole distinctive process of
manufacture consists in the multiplication of
words. Take as a standard sentence : —

"As the dust fell, he saw some object
glittering, groped about and soon disclosed
a spoon of Abyssinian gold, picked it up and
put it in his pocket."

This sentence is dealt with in the following
manner : —

" As the dust fell from his cart, he
thought that he saw some object glittering in
the evening stmlight. He got down from his
cart to the ground and walked down the slope
of the shoot to the spot where he thought,
possibly, the object might have fallen. He
groped about in the refuse with the toe of
his boot, which was tipped with iron nails,
and soon disclosed the bright object which

DIRECTIONS. 43

he had really seen. It proved to be a spoon
made of Abyssinian gold, a composition closely
resembling the real article. He picked it up
between his fingers and examined it with his
eyes. Then //<? put it in his pocket and walked
back to his cart!'

I think the above indication is sufficient
to enable the student to inflate any of the
following sentences to the size required of
this item in a perfect magazine : —

Brick layers lay bricks.

Coast guards guard coasts.

Plumbers plumb.

Lighthouse men live in lighthouses.

Ploughmen plough.

Bees live in bee hives.

Ants build ant hills.

Scene-shifters shift scenes.

Type-setters set types.

Ocean currents flow.

Jockeys ride horses.

Asses bray.

44 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

Of Contributions by Famous

Persons.

"TO SPRING."

Of this class my model contains the
poem entitled "To Spring." There is much
advantage to be gained from obtaining the
name of some great man among the con-
tributors to each issue. This can be done
either in the method here adopted — and
I may point out that the book chosen by
me can be made an almost inexhaustible
source of inspiration upon almost any
subject — or by obtaining from living famous
men some such contribution as a leaf of
blotting-paper from the writing-pad, an
endorsement to a dishonoured cheque, or
a signed photograph. If these cannot be
procured directly from the great person
himself the managers of a perfect magazine
would surely not be at a loss, as one of his
meaner domestics may be easily persuaded
to provide one of them.

DIRECTIONS. 45

Of the Inaccurate Professional

Story.

"THE JUDGE'S FIRST BRIEF."

I must admit that the building up of this
tale cost me great labour and a vast degree
of patient inquiry. The structure of our
English jurisprudence, though vastly embel-
lished by recent legislation, still necessarily
contains a large number of details and expres-
sions which can never be fully understood by
a layman. Furthermore the members of those
professions that live by the practice and ex-
position of the law are encompassed by a
body of rules, regulations, and customs which
are extremely complicated and can only be
gathered by personal enquiry, as they consist
almost wholly in unwritten traditions.

Now, this being so, the maker of a story
who is content with an occasional breach of
these laws or traditions can safely enter upon

D his

46 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

his task in complete ignorance of either, and
trusting merely to their number and com-
plexity to ensure his success. When, however,
a writer strives to create a perfect standard
which may be copied by any student without
any danger of being misled, he undertakes a
task of far greater difficulty. I was there-
fore obliged to devote much time to read-
ing and no little time to converse with
a dear friend of mine who has but lately
resigned the active practice of the legal pro-
fession, and to whom his kindness in this
matter has still further endeared me. Thanks
to this preparation I think I can with safety
assure students that they may copy any single
incident or phrase in this tale without danger
of being entrapped into an accurate or merely
imitative representation of our law or of the
habits of the members of our Bar.

I can confidently assert that it is unusual
for Barristers, Judges, and Ushers of the Court
to meet for port and muffins in the chambers
of Counsel, that the Benchers of the Inns of

Court

DIRECTIONS. 47

Court do not usually relate anecdotes to the
students at the qualifying dinners, that clerks
do not draw pleadings, that the members of
the Bar are neither superior police officers
nor even connected with the detective force,
and that (surprising as this may sound) the
forensic robes are seldom assumed, except in
court, and when they are it is usually merely
for the purpose of sitting to photographers or
artists.

I will not pursue this series of nega-
tive statements, which may be completed by
any person who peruses this story ; but I
repeat that it does not contain one single
statement, or one technical phrase that could
ensnare an imitator into giving an accurate
picture of the legal profession, and I will add ^
that a very little ignorance of other professions
will enable the student to adapt the incidents
of this story to other employments.

D 2

48 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

Of the Recital of Military

Slaughter^ and of Events affecting

the Blood Royal.

"FOR THE ROYAL RUSKS."

In regard to the story of bloodshed among
persons of quality the first important ingredient
is a sustained and penetrating din which
should begin no later than the second page.

(i.) Such words and phrases as : — the clatter
of hoofs, the hoarse roar of the sentry, the
sharp bang of a musket, a piercing shriek,
drums rolling, clangour of the tocsin, spattered
ripple of musketry, boom of a minute gun,
the musical clash of blades, the squeaking of
steel, dynamite explosions, crackling rumble of
machine guns, crash and recrash of musketry,
detonation, bursting shells, a torrent of rough
soldier talk, muffled groan, deep roar, frenzied
cry and rapid fusillade, should occur with
extreme frequency.

(n.) The periods of time occupied by the

action

DIRECTIONS. 49

action of the story should be catalogued with
the greatest preciseness, and any interval
which may seem to occur should be accounted
for by words suggesting that it was occupied
in slaughter, which is not minutely described.
This scheme impresses the readers with an
idea of the prodigious wealth of bloodshed at
the compiler's disposal.

(iii.) There is one detail, which, however
small, I think of such importance as to merit
especial mention. No story of this kind is
complete without some mention of the flicker-
ing light of a horn lantern, which may be
used as here, may be lowered into a powder
magazine, may be carried by a warder (or
better by his beautiful daughter), or may be
thrust into the hero's face. The main import-
ance of this article is not apparent until the
story is adapted for representation in some
playhouse.

(iv.) The richness and quality of the blood-
shed is enhanced by carefully setting upon
the sombre surface of the massacre an occa-
sional pathetic incident of duly hackneyed

form

so PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

form. Of these jewels (i) the death of the
archbishop, (2) the thought of the minister's
child-wife, and (3) the sleep of the infant duke
form examples which will serve for any story.

(v.) The character of the metallic minister,
like that of the serial adventurer, is constant
and uniform, and should appear in every one
of the stories of this nature. Some careless
and unobservant persons have been led by
their common inhumanity to confuse these
two types, and I therefore feel it necessary to
point out the wide distinction which exists
between them. The minister is mortal, at
least, my extensive reading has never shown
me an example of such a one who was more
than once successfully assassinated. He is
prone to error, and no story should omit to
give an instance of this fallibility. In this
model I have, I think, referred to each and
every one of his metallic attributes.

His iron voice,
,, graphite inflexibility,
,, wire web,

his

>»

DIRECTIONS. 51

his leaden thumb,
steel grey eyes,
golden opportunity,
brazen voice,
mercurial smile,
silver moustache,
,, bronzed face,
,, solder-like tear,
and ,, radium brain

are all mentioned, though I do not think
that the copyist need employ more than three
or four of these metals in each story con-
structed.

(vi.) The sixth point which gives the tale
of aristocratic bloodshed great and consider-
able advantage to the compiler is its catho-
licity of period and place. The very model
in this magazine could be used in fifteen or
sixteen consecutive numbers, with but few
alterations, of which the following may serve
as examples : —

(a) Put the various characters into huge top-
boots, cocked hats, and heavily

skirted

52 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

skirted coats ; give the whole party
Spanish names ; make some allu-
sion to Lord Peterborough, and
you have a stirring tale of the
Spanish succession.

(j3) Make of the metallic Minister a metallic
Cardinal, and he can with safety
be called Richelieu, provided the
other characters be suitably dressed
and, of course, be called mousque-
taires.

(y) The Minister in a turban and wearing
an iron-grey beard will become the
trusty Wazir of an infant Rajah
or Mogul.

(8) In, an ample toga, and deprived of his
silver moustache, he may be fitly
named Metallicus Arbiter, Praefect
of Aes Alienum, in which latter case
the third-class refreshment-room
at the railway station becomes the
Temple of Bacchus in Via Ferrata,
the Bridge the Pons Asinorum,
the tale is told by a young cen-
turion

DIRECTIONS. 53

turion of the Praetorians, and the
final scene occurs in the apartment
of the infant Nero on the Palatine.

It may surprise readers ill-acquainted with
the trade to find this type of story embracing
so large a mass of printed fiction, but further
study will show them that those stories which
depend upon slaughter and emetical pathos are
all of one family, no matter what be their
dates or where their scenes be set. " For the
Royal Rusks" is a perfect model, being the
most flexible that can be made, and is capable
of almost infinite adaptation.

Under such varied names as " The Death
of the Pewter Praefect," " The Infant Horus,
a tale of Ancient Egypt," " For the Royal
Lampreys, a tale of Little Arthur," *'Tin-
plate-afraid-of-itself, the Medicine-man of the
Sioux," " A Son of Hengist," &c., &c., the story
may be set up again and again by the most
unskilful workman.

54 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

Such simple changes as from : —

" The clangour of the tocsin " to " the howling of the priests of

Baal "

" The crash and recrash of | ( " the twang and retwang of
musketry " ) t catapults "

"The rattle of the machineguns" to " the rattle of spear on buckler "

" Rough soldier talk and badin- ] j"the rough badinage of the
age" I 1 Samurai"

** The sharp bang of a musket \ /" the sharp whirr of a bow, and

and a bullet sang through I an arrow sang through the
the night like an angry j ] night like an angry hornet "
hornet " j (

"A shattered squadron of\ /"A shattered mob of sans-
sappers were endeavouring [ J culottes were endeavouring

to re-form on their lost

to re-form on their lost
maxim detachment "

tumbrils "

" Tchernivitch, we have been] ("Curius, we have fallen into
blown into the main drain " ) 1 the Cloaca Maxima "

" The wind wailed down the tall \ ( " The wind wailed around the
beetling streets of the I to i tall wigwams of the Black-
capital" J [ feet"

will be all that are necessary. No intelligence
is required — no invention — merely faithful and
diligent copying and a suitable dictionary.

DIRECTIONS. SS

Of Romantic Pictures and their
Attendant Poems.

«YE KNIGHTE OF OLDE."

The student should carefully consider every
detail of this picture and of the verses which
accompany it. It is necessary, in producing
an imaginary romantic character, to indicate
all the virtues and excellences of the entire
age of chivalry from its earliest birth to its
revival in the architecture of the early nine-
teenth century. This comprehensive view of
the fair character of romance is instantly
destroyed by any such weight being thrown
upon the dress, ornaments, names, or style of
building indicative of only a single period as
to confine the attention to that date alone.
The effect of the coat worn by warriors of the
reign of William III. should be counteracted
by the heraldic helmet of uncertain date which
should in turn be corrected by the trunk-hose
of the eighth Henry and the circular dog-
toothed

S6 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

toothed archway of the Norman designers.
The same effect is produced by the use of the
word "Ye" (the purely orthographical nature
of which should never be spoiled by the
employment of the cognate " Yem "),* while
additional beauty is given to the verse by
the elision of unimportant syllables, as in
the words "vict'ry," " quiv'ring," " heav'n,"
"jew'lry," " fool'ry," and by the accentuation
of syllables usually omitted, as in "th' adored."
In this way the baldest and most dissonant
prose can be metamorphosed into the most
marketable kind of verse.

Of Patriotic Love Stories,

« BUNNIE."

These stories of tourist adventure are per-
haps more rigidly bound by tradition than any
other of the wares exposed in a magazine.

* Though we have ourselves never come across this abbreviation,
we do not feel justified in criticising Mr. D'Ordel's scholarship.

The

DIRECTIONS.

The other types already explained must con-
form to certain definite laws, but their makers
are allowed a latitude in the selection of many
minor details, and even, as in the case of
stories of men of mystery, in the appearance
of the persons necessary to the action, or even
in the incidents, of which there must be at
least a dozen for the complete life history of a
serial adventurer, which cannot be fully de-
scribed in less than a hundred and fifty
chapters. In these stories, however, no such
discretion can be exercised by the constructor.
The hero must be fair-haired, young, and
aggressively insular. The heroine must be
fair-haired, slender, silent, and morosely timid.
The native girl must be beautiful, dark-haired,
amorous, and inclined to plumpness. The
male population of the country in which the
adventure takes place must, however innocent
their occupation, be said to display the extreme
degree of fanatical and ruthless savagery, and
they must always be referred to as niggers or
foreigners, which words may, in these stories,
be taken to have the same signification. The

history

58 PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

history and objects of the secret society must
be explained by some Englishman, who may
be considered to have greater knowledge of the
scene of action than the hero. He may be a
magistrate, an ambassador, a consul, a political
resident, or a sea-captain, according to the
place selected for the action.

For the phraseology I can only urge the
student to study and con by rote the wording
of this story, to employ the words and con-
struction therein used, and so far as possible
to avoid all others. The only point upon
which I desire to lay particular stress is the
method of halving the hero's actions and
thoughts, which gives mechanically and with-
out effort to the writer an impression that he
has exercised restraint and is possessed of a
reserve of force. Thus he will

semi-negative,
half move,
half turn,
half glance, etc.

DIRECTIONS. 59

and act

half surprised,

half accidentally,

half contemptuously,

half in horror,

half in indignation,

half brusquely,
and half thoughtfully.
It should be noted that the writer is never to
be restricted to the use of two halves for each
whole.

Of Editorial Humour.

"THE EDITOR'S PIG-TUB."

This part of a magazine (in addition to the
curious photographs, the nature of which is, I
think, self-explanatory) should be put together
in the following manner. The few fragments
of dialogue and the scarce anecdotes which I
have recorded will each be found to contain
one of the fundamental elements of humour

which.

6o PROMETHEUS D'ORDEL.

which, when thus collected, form the entire
machinery of magazine wit. They might be
termed root jokes, and may be combined, set
among different surroundings, or inflated
at the caprice of the mechanic ; and,
as the vulgar do extremely dislike the
effort required for the understand-
ing of any novel jest, they will
thus form a body of short
paragraphs calculated to
excite the merriment
of those who read
MAGAZINES.

Fin-
is.

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