TAMMAS BODKIN
 
 ., OF CALIF. LIBRARY, LOS 
 
 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 SWATCHES O' HODDEN-GREY 
 
 BY 
 
 W. D. LATTO 
 
 HODDER AND STOUGHTON 
 27, PATERNOSTER ROW 
 
 MDCCCXCIV
 
 Printed by Hasstll Watson, <S- Viney, Ld. t London and Ayksbury.
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 PAGE 
 
 THE BODKINS OF BUTTONHOLE .... I 
 CHAPTER II 
 
 THE HAME-COMIN' 5 
 
 CHAPTER III 
 SCHOOLS AND SCHOOL-MASTERS . . 1 5 
 
 CHAPTER IV 
 
 "WHISTLIN' WILLIE" . . -27 
 
 CHAPTER V 
 HUNTING THE " GOWK " . .40 
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 TIBBIE TURNS UP .... -53 
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 A PROVIDENTIAL DELIVERANCE . . . . 60 
 
 2136857
 
 vi CONTENTS 
 
 CHAPTER VIII 
 
 PAGE 
 
 CALF-LOVE AND PHYSIC . 75 
 
 CHAPTER IX 
 THE TEMPLE OF TERPSICHORE . . -87 
 
 CHAPTER X 
 
 THE DIET o' CATECHEEZIN' . . . . -99 
 
 CHAPTER XI 
 A GUIZIN' PLOY Ill 
 
 CHAPTER XII 
 THE SPORT SPOILED . . . . . .123 
 
 CHAPTER XIII 
 
 "BILE, WIND, AND INDIGESTION" . . . . 133 
 
 CHAPTER XIV 
 THE VALENTINES ... . . 147 
 
 CHAPTER XV 
 TIT FOR TAT 157 
 
 CHAPTER XVI 
 
 THE BEGINNIN' o' SORROWS 169 
 
 CHAPTER XVII 
 GREAT TREEBULATIONS . ... 179
 
 CONTENTS vii 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII 
 
 PAGE 
 
 LIFE IN LONDON . . . 187 
 
 CHAPTER XIX 
 
 SEEKIN' WARK . . . 192 
 
 CHAPTER XX 
 MISCELLANEOUS INTELLIGENCE . 2O2 
 
 CHAPTER XXI 
 A FALSE ALARM ... . .212 
 
 CHAPTER XXII 
 A MARRIAGE ON THE TAPIS . .224 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII 
 
 THE BEUKIN' ...... . 237 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV 
 
 THE WADDIN' 248 
 
 CHAPTER XXV 
 AMONG THE "MEN o' THE MEARNS " . 256 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI 
 
 A DENTAL OPERATION . . .271 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII 
 BODKIN, CLIPPINS & CO. (LEEMITIT) . -277
 
 vii CONTENTS 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII 
 
 PAGE 
 
 CLIPPINS, WAGSTAFF & CO. (UNLEEMITIT) . . 281 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX 
 THE HARVEST HAME AT COCKMYLANE . . 2Q2 
 
 * 
 CHAPTER XXX 
 
 TIBBIE KISSED l' THE TUNNEL . . . 302 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI 
 ODDS AND ENDS -312
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 THE BODKINS OF BUTTONHOLE 
 
 THE Bodkin tribe claims for itsel' a somewhat 
 aunchent origin. The first o' the race to 
 plant fit on Breetish grun', accordin' to the maist 
 reliable authorities, was ane Sir Theophilus Ffrench 
 wha cam' ower frae Normandy wi' his forty-second 
 cousin, William the Conqueror. Like ithers o' 
 his breed, this worthy was sairly aflflickit wi' a 
 cravin' very common in a' ages, ca'd earth-hunger. 
 Squattin' himsel' doon somewhaur besooth the 
 Tweed, upon a sung bittie o' grun', the previous 
 possessor whaureof he had sent aboot's business, he 
 furthwith proceedit to multiply an' replenish the 
 earth, wi' a zeal that left naething to be desired. 
 
 In process o' time the offspring o' this worthy 
 man waxed sae numerous, that they began to fin' 
 their elbow-room raither scrimp. This was a thing 
 they cudna an' wadna thole upon ony accoont, 
 an' sae it cam' to pass that a curn o' the mair 
 fordersome billies amang them, laid their heads 
 thegither, an' set aff ae bonnie day in purshoot o' 
 a wider an' fatter inheritance. Some gaed ae 
 gait, an' some anither, the haill lot o' them reivin' 
 
 I
 
 2 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 an' thievin' an' spulyiein' whatever they thocht it 
 worth their while to lay their cleuks on. 
 
 Ane o' thae mediaeval land grabbers, mair en- 
 terprisin' than his brithren, crossed St. George's 
 Channel, landit on the Emerald Isle, and after some 
 valiant fechtin' an' thievin' managed to plant him- 
 sel' doon, like the " wee, wee German Lairdie," in 
 a seat that didna richtfully belang till 'im. After 
 the example o' his Norman ancestor, he begat a 
 lairge family o' sons an' dochters. His offspring 
 increased sae amazin'ly, that bye-an'-bye they had 
 the prood distinction o' gi'ein' to Galway the title 
 o' the " City o' the Tribes " a dizzen o' them, nae 
 less, an' their names are embalmed i' the followin' 
 bittie o' doggerel. 
 
 "Athy, Blake, Bodkin, Dean, Darcy, Lynch, 
 Joyes, Kirwan, Martin, Morris, Skerret, Ffrench." 
 
 Noo, although history is silent on the subject, 
 it's no an unwarrantable stretch o' imagination to 
 conclude that a son or grandson o' the Bodkin 
 aboove mentioned crossed ower to "Caledonia 
 stern an' wild," as his forbears had dune to Ire- 
 land, an' for a like purpose. Settlin' himsel' doon 
 i' the East Neuk o' Fife, he there foondit the 
 aunchent an' honourable family o' the Bodkins o' 
 Buttonhole, whaurof I, wi' reverence be it spoken, 
 am at the present day head-bummer ! 
 
 But after a', what does it signifee what or wha 
 your forbears were, gin sae be yer ain character an' 
 conduck 'ill thole creetical inspection ? It's self- 
 evident that my ancestors, an' every ither body's
 
 THE BODKINS OF BUTTONHOLE 3 
 
 ancestors, male an' female, maun hae sprung frae 
 the Garden o' Eden. At a later date even they 
 maun hae been borne on Noah's beuks under some 
 name or ither ; under what parteek'lar name is a 
 maitter o' nae moment whatsomever. The question 
 o' supreme importance is not what were yer for- 
 bears ? but, what are ye yersel' ? As a certain poet 
 remarks, 
 
 " Worth makes the man, the want of it the fellow, 
 And all the rest is leather and prunella." 
 
 The ancestral seat o' the Bodkin family has 
 been, time oot o' mind, at Buttonhole, a sma' bit 
 placie in the parish o' Drumlie. It is by nae 
 means a princely possession. Few o' the Fifeshire 
 lairdships are or ever were sae. The lairds them- 
 sel's were in my young days feckly hard up ; some 
 o' them were weel kent to be as puir as kirk mice. 
 An auld-time Fife lairdship has been weel describit 
 as consistin' o' " a wee puckle Ian', a big puckle 
 debt, an' a doocot." Ithers can speak forthemsel's, 
 but for my ain pairt, while confessin' to the sma'- 
 ness o' the Buttonhole lairdship, truth forbids me 
 to own to the debt an' the doocot. The lairds o' 
 Buttonhole, sae far as I can gether frae the family 
 records in my aucht, were never rich eneuch to 
 hae a doocot, an' never puir eneuch to be owin' 
 mair than they cud pay. 
 
 In superfeecial extent, it was exceedin' nochty. 
 I' the year o' the lang drooth, Dominie Squeeker, 
 the parish schoolmaister o' Drumlie, an' I may add 
 leader o' the psalmody likewise, made a measur-
 
 4 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 ment o't for some purpose or ither, an' certifeed on 
 soul an' conscience, that its area was but three acres 
 nine-an'-twenty perches Scots. Sma' it was, an' 
 ferteel it was not. It was mair fruitfu' o' thrissels 
 an' weebos than o" aits an' tawties. Nevertheless, 
 it brocht furth plentifu' craps o' nateral girss, 
 threshies, spretts, an' segs, sae that there was never 
 ony want o' coo's meat an' swine's meat a' the 
 year roon'. 
 
 As for the mansion-hoose o' Buttonhole, it was 
 as unpretentious as the estate itsel'. Flanked on 
 the richt by a barn an' byre, on the left by a 
 swine's cruive an' chicken cavie, defendit in front 
 by a fortification o' muck, an' moated by a jawhole 
 o' fulzie, it was a unique specimen o' the Scottish 
 rural cottage o' the Middle Ages, a few represen- 
 tatives whaureof are even yet to be seen in neuks 
 remote frae the march o' modern improvement. 
 At the distance o' a bow-shot or sae frae the door, 
 which faced the sooth, in the reedy depths o' a cow- 
 slip covered vale, a wee bit burnie wimpled on its 
 way, singin' as it went a sylvan sang to the whaups 
 an* wild-deuks nestlin' amang the segs an' spretts 
 that ower-shadowed its deep, dark, stagnant pools. 
 Ayont the burnie, the bonnie burnie o' Mossy 
 Howe sacred to memory's earliest an' happiest 
 recollections there stretched awa a wide wilder- 
 ness o' muirlan', clad wi' " broon heath an' shaggy 
 wood," wherein the cushat croodled through the 
 lang simmer days a woodland lullaby to her 
 unfledged offspring.
 
 CHAPTER II 
 
 THE HAME COMIN' 
 
 THE proprietor o' Buttonhole, wha, towards the 
 close o' the auchteenth century, yielded his 
 heart an' hand to Miss Effie Muckhawkie, only 
 dochter o' a certain cock-laird in the East Neuk, 
 was ane Tammas Bodkin a man noteworthy alike 
 for his slicht o' hand at the needle, for the fervency 
 o' his zeal an' piety as an elder o' the Kirk, an' for 
 his irreproachable walk an' conversation as the 
 husband o' a wife an' the faither o' a family. This 
 worthy man was my faither. His Christian name 
 was Tammas, an' I was ca'd after him. There 
 never was a laird o' Buttonhole that was not a 
 Tammas. It has been the name bestowed upon 
 the auldest sons o' the family time oot o' mind. 
 Occasionally whan there happened to be as mony 
 as half-a-dizzen o' contemporary Tammases, to 
 prevent confusion, the name had to be modifeed 
 to indicate what parteek'lar Tammas was meant. 
 Under the age o' ten or twal', they were generally 
 ca'd Tammy. Frae that date till they entered 
 upon the responsibeelities o' matrimonial life, Tarn 
 was the favourite appellation, an' whan they cam' up 
 
 5
 
 6 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 to hae hooses an' wives o' their ain, they were 
 dignifeed wi' the douce patriarchal cognomen o' 
 Tammas. For the sake o' still greater distinction, 
 it has sometimes been necessar' to clap an adjective 
 to the word, an' say wee Tammy an' big Tammy, 
 little Tarn an' muckle Tarn, an' young Tammas an' 
 auld Tammas. 
 
 I've gethered frae tradeetion an' itherwise, that 
 my first visit to Buttonhole, tane place on a certain 
 Hogmanay nicht memorable in the East Neuk for 
 its by-ordinar' storm o' snaw. As gloamin' begoud 
 to set in, which it did aboot mid-afternoon, the 
 snaw that had been spitterin' on back an' fore the 
 haill day lang, increased an' multipleed at a fearfu' 
 rate. 
 
 Risin' on the weengs o' the win' it swirlt hither 
 an' thither like stoure. It colleckit in immense 
 wredes whaurever it faund a lowan corner to settle 
 doon in. It was a nicht lang held in remembrance 
 in my faither's family, pairtly for the snaw storm, 
 but mair parteek'larly because o' its bein' the nicht 
 o' my hame-comin'. Aften hae I sat by the chimbla 
 cheek after I had reached the years o' discretion, 
 an' listened to my faither an' mother recoontin' 
 a' the oots an' ins o't. Every snawy nicht that 
 happened, as lang as they lived thegither, they 
 never failed to fecht that nicht's battle ower 
 again. 
 
 There bein' nae sic thing as a horse beastie aboot 
 Buttonhole, my faither hurried aff through the 
 blindin' snawdrift to Snipemire, an' got the len' o' 
 Dauvit Scoter's auld spavint yaud that had months
 
 THE HAME COMIN' 7 
 
 aforehaun' been bespoken for the great event. 
 Mountin' on Bawsie's back awa he gaed, scramblin' 
 through the snaw vvredes in the direction o' Skirl- 
 nakit, a placie aboot four miles distant, whaur 
 there lived a skilly auld wife, Luckie Williamson 
 by name, whase services were invariably in request 
 whan additions were to be made to the population 
 o' the parish. Mrs. Williamson was the weedow o' 
 a sodger wha had lost his life fechtin' against the 
 French, an' her word was a law to a' the women 
 fouk i' the parish ; haud awa frae the meenister's 
 wife, an' maybe the Dominie's. She cud pu' oot 
 teeth, innoculate for the coo-pox, spread flee- 
 blisters, an' spae fortunes. Forbye a' that she 
 was sair lee'd on gin she didna like a dram, ay, an' 
 tak' it tae whan it cam' in her wey. 
 
 Lang an' dreich was the gait Bawsie had to 
 gang ; thick an' bewildersome was the snaw ; but 
 the beastie bravely performed her task, an' duly 
 landit her rider at Skirlnakit 
 
 Mrs. Williamson sune arrayed hersel' in her auld 
 grey rauchan', hauled the hood weel down ower her 
 haffets, mountit the naig ahent my faither, an' awa 
 the twa o' them cantered through the drift an' 
 the darkness towards Buttonhole. Bawsie, how- 
 ever, made but sma' progress under her double 
 fraucht. 
 
 Darker grew the nicht, looder an' still looder 
 howled the tempest, soughin' an' whistlin' an' 
 skreeghin' amang the skrunty bits o' trees that 
 skirtit the dreary muir lyin' atween them an' the 
 Ian' o' Beulah.
 
 8 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 Pick-mirk cam' doon on them, afore they had 
 gane half the wey. The road was fameeliar eneuch 
 to them for ordinar', but their senses becam' sae 
 doitrifeed an' bumbazed by reason o' the drift an' 
 the darkness, that they fairly tint their rackonin'. 
 Had my faither been content to trust to Bawsie's 
 sagacity, her nateral instinct would probably hae 
 led her to her ain stable at Snipemire ; but, rizzen 
 or nane, he held gaun ruggin' an' rivin' at the munks, 
 an' he saw whaur he landit himsel' ! An' whaur was 
 that think ye ? Juist at Skirlnakit ! There, at her 
 ain knockin' stane, whaur Luckie Williamson had 
 sae short syne gat up, she did again get doon. What 
 was to be dune ? To Buttonhole she was bund to 
 gang at a' hazards. It was a job that cudna be 
 putten aff till a mair convenient season. 
 
 An auld horn lantrin, wi' a bit cawnel doup 
 stuck intil't, was hung roon' my faither's neck to 
 licht their way through the gloom, an' aff they startit 
 aince mair i' the direction of Buttonhole. They 
 hadna gane a mile whan doon cam' puir Bawsie 
 in a ditch half fou' o' slush an' snaw broo, an' doon 
 gaed the riders heeligoleerie abune a' ! Luckie's 
 grey cloak, like the prophet's mantle, tane to flicht 
 across the muir. As there was nae Elisha near 
 bye to seize hauds o't it juist got leave to gang. 
 A week after, it was fund on the tap o' a fir-tree 
 twa mile awa. If Mrs. Williamson didna use her 
 tongue to some purpose, she did naething ! Nae 
 banes were broken, hooever, an' that was ae great 
 mercy. The only damages consistit o' a wat skin, 
 an' the extinguishment o' the cawnel doup. Bawsie
 
 THE HAME COMIN' 9 
 
 gi'ed a warsel or twa an' oot she cam' no ae hair 
 the waur. Again they set forrit on their journey ; 
 an' after coontless toils an' tuilyiements, they at 
 length an' lang drew near to what they thocht was 
 Buttonhole, but to what turned oot to be Tree- 
 taps, the residence o' Mr. Jeames Muckhawkie, my 
 maternal gran'faither that was aboot to be, a placie 
 situate, at the very least, half-a-dizzen miles distant 
 frae Buttonhole ! 
 
 It was noo weel on to bedtime, an' sae, on 
 takin' a sly peep through the shutterless winnock, 
 my faither saw Jeames sittin' lowsin' his buttons, 
 toastin' his taes at a roarin' peat-fire, an' takin' a 
 quiet sook o' his cutty pipe. Dismountin' frae 
 his Pegasus, my faither tried the sneck o' the 
 front door, but lack-a-day ! It was fast. At the 
 winnock he gi'ed a lood reishle, startlin' Mr. Muck- 
 hawkie frae his reverie. 
 
 " Wha are ye ? an' what are ye ? " cried Jeames, 
 flingin' doon his cutty i' the ingle-neuk, an' hirplin' 
 towards the winnock on his stockin' soles. 
 
 " It's me lat's in," said my faither. 
 
 " An' wha's me ? " inquired Jeames, clappin' his 
 nose close to the glass, an' glowerin' as if he had 
 been tryin' to dairt a glance ayont the leemits o' 
 infeenitude. 
 
 " Tammas Bodkin yer ain son-in-law," was the 
 reply. " For guid sake open the door." 
 
 " Na, na, we've nae use for gangrel bodies 
 hereawa," returned Mr. Muckhawkie, puin' doon 
 the chackit apron that saired for a blind, " ye can 
 gae back the gait ye cam', ye're owre late for yer
 
 io TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 Hogmanay, an' owre sune for a first-fittin' ; sae 
 gaewa ! gaewa wi' ye ! " 
 
 Folk maun e'en be sair altered whan their ain 
 kith an' kin dinna ken them. Puir man ! Sae 
 greatly cheenged was my faither's voice by rizzen o' 
 cauld an' mental anxiety, that it had completely 
 tint its auld fameeliar tone, an' wad hae soondit 
 strange in the lugs o' the very wife o' his bosom. 
 
 Had it no been for Mrs. Williamson, wha was 
 never kent to be beat wi' ony thing she ever tane 
 in hand, neither Mr. Muckhawkie's heart nor his 
 door wad hae opened that nicht. A volley or twa 
 o' her persuasive eloquence, hooever, backed up by 
 sundry hints at domestic occurrences, that he weel 
 kent were secrets to a' the warl' except to her, 
 sune made the garrison capeetulate. 
 
 " Have a care o's a' ! " muttered Mr. Muckhawkie 
 to himsel', " that maun be Luckie Williamson, yet 
 what in a' the earth can bring her here at sic an 
 oor, an' on sic a nicht, is mair nor I can faddom ! " 
 
 Up flew the door an' in walked my faither an' 
 his travellin' companion. 
 
 " Mercy be wi' us ! " exclaimed Mr. Muckhawkie, 
 haudin' up baith his hands, " what in the name o' 
 a' that is gude has brocht the twa o' ye here? 
 Are my een i' the mirligoes ? or what ? " 
 
 Sae they had to set to wark, an' mak' a hasty 
 narration o' a' their perils an' misfortunes. But 
 Mrs. Williamson wadna rest in her rags a single 
 moment. Her body was at Treetaps, but her 
 thochts were at Buttonhole. Mr. Muckhawkie 
 brocht oot his New Year's bottle, an' garred them
 
 THE HAME COMIN' n 
 
 pree a wee lickie o't afore resumin' their journey. 
 Mrs. Williamson he rowed up in a pair o' 
 blankets, an' Bawsie bein' completely worn-oot, he 
 brocht furth his ain bit beastie, gi'ed the twa riders 
 a leggie up on its back, an' led them into a muirlan' 
 track, wherefrom, by strictly followin' their noses, 
 they couldna gang far astray. 
 
 An oor's trottin' through the howlin' snaw 
 tempest, brocht them withoot further mishaps to 
 Buttonhole. The women fouk had been in an 
 unco quandary ever sin sax o'clock, for that was 
 the oor whan the cavaleers were expeckit to mak' 
 their appearance. It was noo past twal' o'clock. 
 Sair against their will they had performed the first 
 fittin' at Buttonhole, on that eventfu' New Year's 
 mornin'. 
 
 Their arrival sent a gush o' joy through my 
 mither's achin' heart, for she had juist been con- 
 templatin' the posseebility o' bein' made a mither 
 an' a weedow at the same time. Whaur had they 
 been a' this time ? inquired a half-dizzen o' female 
 tongues that gaed yabblin' a' throughither like a 
 wheen wild-geese. Mrs. Dauvit Sooter was of 
 opeenion that they micht hae been at the Freuchie 
 an' back again, for that pairt o't. 
 
 "Deed aye, 'oman, ye may say sae," remarkit 
 anither smysterin' hash, as she tane a hearty sook 
 o' the buttersaps, " but, fegs, my man's no ae bit 
 better whan there's ony thing ado he's no worth 
 ca'in' oot ' o' a kail yaird." 
 
 "Ou, ay, they're a' tarred wi' ae stick," yelpit 
 oot a soople-tongued snippy. " My Jock's juist as
 
 12 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 thochtless as a laddie whan he is sent an errand 
 wad play at the bools wi' the first herd loonie he 
 meets." 
 
 " Haigs, it cheats me," whispered Mrs. Walter 
 Wabster, castin' an e'e aroon' her to see gin the 
 fields were fair, " it cheats me if the twa o' them 
 hae na been haudin' their Hogmanay at Jeannie 
 Gallowa's." 
 
 " Did you fin' ony smell ? " inquired Mrs. Sooter, 
 puttin' on a consequential air, an' glancin' roon' the 
 company. 
 
 " I canna juist be a' thegither sure, but I'm far 
 cheatit gin I faund na a slicht guff whan they cam' 
 in," replied Mrs. Wabster. 
 
 " I was jalousin' as muckle," returned Mrs- 
 Sooter. 
 
 " Deed if it daur be said, she's a drucken bodie 
 that Mrs. Williamson," remarked Mrs. Snippy 
 Tongue. 
 
 " Ay, an' her to set up hersel', as if she were 
 something ! My certie ! if every thing were kenned 
 but bide awee, na," was the observation o' the 
 wifie wi' the caudle caup on her knee. 
 
 Save us a' ! ae ill-speakin' wife is eneugh to be 
 in a hoose at ae time, but a haill half-dizzen ! 'Od, 
 they're eneugh to pollute a parish. 
 
 On completin' his toilet, my faither stappit oot 
 frae his hidie-hole ahent the box-bed greatly to 
 the confusion o' the gossips wha never suspeckit 
 that he was within earshot o' their conversation. 
 Of coorse, he had heard every word o't, but bein' 
 a man o' sense an' a guid Christian besides, he bore
 
 THE HAME COMIN' 13 
 
 it a' wi' patience, an' didna return railin' for railin'. 
 Hoosomever, that they micht sin against the licht, 
 if they persistit in the belief that Luckie Williamson 
 an' he had been drinkin', he tane special pains to 
 acquaint them wi' the real state o' the case. Bit 
 by bit they learned what had been the hindrance, 
 an' what the cause o' the slicht guff o' whisky 
 Mrs. Wabster had felt, an' bit by bit he gaithered 
 what had been transackit at Buttonhole in the 
 interim. 
 
 A great event in the history o' Buttonhole had 
 tane place juist twenty minutes afore the arrival o' 
 Mrs. Williamson, an' exactly at the chap o' twal' 
 o'clock. Belyve Mrs. Muckhawkie, wi' an air o' 
 great self-importance depictit on her guid-natered 
 coontenance, cam' stappin' into the kitchen, an' 
 made the offeecial announcement to her gude-son 
 that his beloved wife was lichter o' a laddie. 
 Reader, that laddie was me ! 
 
 Neither comet nor earthquake marked the oor 
 o' my nateevity, but wae's me, neist mornin' a 
 chapman bodie was fund smoored in a wrede o' 
 snaw no aboon twa hunder yairds to the nor'-wast 
 o' Buttonhole. Puir craitur ! he had gane till he 
 cud gang nae mair, an' then he had juist lain 
 doon an' dee'd wi' his bit pack on his back ! A 
 the leelang nicht his wee bit faithfu' doggie had 
 keepit watch an' ward aside the lifeless corp. 
 Whan my faither gaed oot i' the mornin' to fodder 
 the coo, he heard a waefu' moligrant like the 
 whinin' o' a dog. On stappin' alang to see what 
 was the cause thereof, there was the puir chapman
 
 14 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 lyin' stark and stiff. The body was rowed in a 
 windin" sheet o' snaw, a' except his richt shoother 
 that had been scraipit bare by the dumb companion 
 o' his wearifu' wanderin's. Wae's me ! for the puir 
 gangrel bodie, after trampin' oot mony a dub e'e 
 in his lifetime, had juist endit his life's journey 
 whan an' whaur I began mine !
 
 CHAPTER III 
 
 SCHOOLS AND SCHOOL-MASTERS 
 
 WHAN I had reached the age o' sax it was 
 decreed that I sid be paddit aff to the schule. 
 My brither Jock an' my sister Chirstie had usurpit 
 my seat on the maternal knee, an' I was nae 
 langer the autocrat o' Buttonhole that I aince was. 
 I was everly i' the gait, never oot o' mischief, an' 
 aye fechtin' wi' Jock an' Chirstie. It was high 
 time for me to set aff to the schule, if no to learn, 
 at least to keep me oot o' ill-pratts. 
 
 To this proposal I had nae serious objection to 
 offer, for albeit my affection for the scholastic 
 life had been greatly enhanced, nae doot, by veesions 
 o' leather straps, black-holes, cutty-stools, an' rule's 
 caps, that had been held oot to me by wey o' 
 encooragment, yet whan I refleckit that my 
 faither's razor-strap had begun to mak' raither 
 freer wi' my lugs than I thocht a' thegither con- 
 sistent wi' my dignity as the laird o' Buttonhole 
 that was to be, I cam' to the conclusion that my 
 schule treebulations, whatever they micht be, cud 
 hardly exceed in bitterness the sorrows I had to 
 dree at hame. 
 
 15
 
 1 6 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 My first instructor was a venerable dame, ca'd 
 Bessie Birnie, a lineal descendant o' the famous 
 piper o' Kinghorn. Bessie lived her liefu' lane in 
 a wee theekit cottage, aboot a mile an' a half frae 
 Buttonhole, an' earned her bread, pairtly by her 
 spinnin' wheel, an' pairtly by teachin ! the young 
 idea hoo to shoot. Sax or aucht urchins like mysel' 
 were the sum an' substance o' her disciple-ship, an' 
 weel do I mind hoo we used to squat roon' her 
 wheel learnin' oor tasks, juist like a cleckin' o' young 
 chickins roon' a clockin' hen. The text-beuks 
 in vogue at that time were the Single Carritches, 
 the Proverbs o' Solomon for beginners, an' the 
 Bible to finish aff wi'. Bessie's lingo was raither 
 auld-fashioned to suit oor modern notions o' pro- 
 nunciation. In readin' sic beuks as Nehemiah, 
 whanever we cam' to ony jaw-braker surpassin' 
 her pooers o' utterance, she wad juist gie a hoast, 
 an' say, " Some ootlandish toon in Sooth Ameeriky 
 pass on to the next word, bairn." 
 
 Whan I had sat three years at Bessie's feet, 
 drinkin' in oceans o' beuk-lear' an' auld-waiT 
 wisdom for she wad sometimes halt her wheel, 
 an' tell us a story to keep us oot o' langer there 
 happened a mischanter, whaurin I had a leadin' 
 han', that put a violent termination to oor mutual 
 relationship, an' got me into nae little het water. 
 I had gotten a bawbee frae Auntie Chirstie for 
 rockin' the cradle till 'er ae Saturday afternoon, 
 whan she was ta'en up fillin' her caff-bed for by 
 this time she had been a curn years marriet to 
 Reekie the blacksmith, an' had a perfect smytrie
 
 SCHOOLS AND SCHOOL-MASTERS 17 
 
 o' childer aboot her, an' I happend to gie the 
 bawbee to Rob Tamson, an ill-prattit vagabond, 
 twa years my senior, whase faither keepit a bit 
 shoppie, an' dealt in poother an' lead-draps, tellin' 
 him to bring wi' 'im a bawbee's worth o' poother 
 next mornin'. Gettin' haud o' an auld key, we 
 filed a touch-hole m't, but afore we had fired a 
 single shot, Bessie ca'd us in to oor lessons an' 
 spoilt a' oor sport. Rob Tamson persuaded me 
 to slip doon a picklie o' the poother below Bessie's 
 chair, wi' a sprinklin' a' the gait frae the chair to 
 the ase-hole. Nae sooner had Bessie ta'en her 
 seat at the wheel, than Rob slips awa' to the fire, 
 an' redds the ribs, lookin' a' the time the very 
 pictur' o' innocence, ill-deedie vaig that he was ! 
 Afore ye cud hae said sax, pluff ga'ed the poother, 
 an' besides singein' a' Bessie's nether garments, an' 
 raisin' a skirl amang the schule weans, it set fire 
 to the flows o' lint that were stickin' a' ower 
 the wheel, an' loupin' up through the flichts, the 
 lowe seized on the rock, reducin' it to black ase 
 in a crack. 
 
 Bessie was half mad wi' fricht an' anger. As soor#. . 
 as she had ta'en precautions against the spread o' 
 the conflagration, she banged doon the strap, an' 
 ca'd a coort-martial instanter. Rob Tamson bein' 
 the loon wha had set lunt to the train, was ta'en 
 into custody as the Guy Fawkes o' this wicked 
 gunpoother plot. I foresaw what wad be the 
 upshot, for Rob was na the man to stand lang 
 switherin' 'tween a sair hide, an' turnin' king's 
 evidence. Juist as the strap was aboot to alicht 
 
 2
 
 1 8 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 on a maist vulnerable pairt o's body, oot cam' the 
 truth wi' a lee at the tail o't 
 
 " It was Tammy Bodkin that had the poother ! " 
 he cried (which was a' very true) ; " an' feint ane 
 o' me kent that it was ab'low yer chair" (which 
 was a manifest lee). 
 
 My regaird for truth forbade me to deny the 
 first half o' the impeachment, an' want o' time 
 preventit me frae bearin' my humble testimony 
 on the second, for i' the twinklin' o' an e'e Bessie 
 was at me wi' a fearfu' bellum, ettlin' to lay on me 
 wi' a' her micht an' main, but the instinct o' self- 
 preservation stappit in to my succour, an' sae I 
 managed aye to keep the wheel atween me an' a' 
 skaith. Roon' the wheel we ran, Bessie the hound 
 an' me the hare, till at length an' lang a hole in 
 her chackit apron claught hauds o' the temper-pin, 
 whan doon gaed Bessie an' the wheel aboon a', 
 while I made aff to the door as fast as my feet 
 cud carry me, leavin' her to gether hersel' oot o' 
 the fluir-head as best she cud. 
 
 Hame I trottit wi' my thoom i' my cheek, fleein' 
 frae the deil, only to Ian' i' the deep sea, for the 
 auld sorra banged up the remains o' the rock, wi' 
 the aizles o' the lint still stickin' till't, an' ta'en the 
 gait at my heels as fast as she cud rin, vowin' 
 vengeance against me a' the wey. Of coorse, in 
 lodgin' her complaint wi' my faither, Bessie didna 
 underestimate the extent o' the damage, nor 
 meetigate in the least the heinousness o' my 
 transgression, an', my certie ! gin he, honest man, 
 didna' mak' Auntie Chirstie's bawbee the dearest I
 
 SCHOOLS AND SCHOOL-MASTERS 19 
 
 ever had in a' my aught, he did naething ! My 
 faither had to pey for the mendin' o' the wheel, an' 
 Bessie refused to alloo sic a menseless rapscallion 
 as Tammy Bodkin to set anither fit within her 
 academy. 
 
 That very nicht, a conference ta'en place atween 
 the auld fouk afore ga'en to bed, whan it was 
 resolved that I sid be tutored for a season under 
 the e'e o' my faither himsel'. As his twa looves 
 were likely to prove wechtier than Bessie's strap, 
 I had my ain thochts as to the wisdom o' this 
 arrangement. 
 
 Neist mornin' my faither ordered me to stap 
 upstairs wi' my Proverbs an' Carritches, an' tak' 
 my station at his lug on the board. If Bessie's 
 orthoepy was bad, his was ten hunder' times waur, 
 an' atween the twa o' 's I'm thinkin' we made a 
 sad mess o' sacred things. Mony a blenter did I 
 get in the side o' the head for fauts o' pronuncia- 
 tion that were but little mendit by his attempts at 
 rectifeein' them. I had my ain thochts though I 
 durstna say a word, but sure am I, gin Bessie had 
 been at his haffets sometimes, she wad hae gar'd 
 them ring, an' maybe stappit him into the coal-hole 
 till he cam' till himsel' awee. 
 
 But the Sabbath-day was the maist wearisome 
 day o' a' the week to me. My faither bein' an 
 elder, an' a strict disciplinarian, considert it to be 
 his bounden duty to haud himsel' an' the haill 
 hoosehold in het water frae mornin' to nicht. 
 Duly as the day cam' roon', his razor-strap was 
 hung up at's lug, that it micht prove a terror to
 
 20 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 evil doers. Whaever ventured to glower aff his 
 beuk, or hoast aboon his breath, or alloo a smile 
 to crawl ower his coontenance, was sure to get an 
 admoneetion wi't across the fingers. In the e'enin' 
 we a' assembled aroon' the parental knee to read 
 verse aboot, an' say oor Carritches. By wey o' 
 improvin' the occasion he wad sometimes put bits 
 o' questions t' us youngsters, which we had to 
 answer oot o' oor ain heads, an' unco droll answers 
 they were at times. 
 
 Ae Sabbath-nicht, we were a' eydent at oor 
 lessons as usual. The subjeck was in the beuk o' 
 Jonah, an' as the readin' ga'ed on, he clappit in aye 
 the ither question, as his mainner was, an' whan 
 at last we cam' to the verse, whaurin we are 
 informed that a whaul swallow't the rebellious 
 prophet alive, he says to me, "Tammy, cud ye 
 think o' onything mair wonderfu' than that a 
 whaul swallowin' the prophet ? " 
 
 " Ou, aye, faither," I replied " something far 
 mair wonderfu' than that." 
 
 " An' what cud that be, man ? " says he, openin' 
 his een an' mooth to their widest possible extent. 
 
 " Ou, wad it no hae been muckle mair wonderfu' 
 had the prophet swallow't the whaul ? " I replied, 
 in the perfect innocency o' my heart. 
 
 The skirl o' lauchter that followed was clean 
 contrary to a' the laws o' decorum, an' I, even I, 
 was terror-stricken at the soon's mysel' had made. 
 But wha cud help it? A' my mither's ingenuity 
 even was sairly taskit to smother the lauch that 
 wad be oot in spite o' 'er. But had ye seen hoo
 
 SCHOOLS AND SCHOOL-MASTERS 21 
 
 the colour cam' an' gaed on my faither's coonten- 
 ance, an' hoo stern-like he dairtit his e'e frae ane 
 till anither at sic an exhibeetion o' unseasonable 
 merriment, ye wad hae been puzzled to ken 
 whether to greet or lauch. Short-lived was oor 
 mirth, hooever, for in a twinklin' the strap was 
 wallopin' richt an' left ower the lugs o' the 
 graceless offenders, an', by my sang, the hoose o' 
 mirth sune becam' the hoose o' mournin ' ! Every 
 moment I thocht whan the strap wad licht ower 
 my mither's haffets also, for she was as deep i' the 
 transgression as ony o' us, but she was suffered to 
 escape wi' a word o' admoneetion. On my head 
 especially were poured oot a' the vials o' his wrath, 
 an' the creeshin' I got was only to be compared wi' 
 what had followed the " Gunpoother Treason." 
 
 Frae that nicht, it was settled i' the paternal 
 mind that, for my impiddence in bein' the mean o' 
 stirrin' up sae grave a breach o' decorum, I sid hae 
 my nose furthwith put to the grun'stane. In 
 brief, as my faither was gettin' tired o' teachin' me, 
 as I was profitin' but little frae his tueetion, an' as 
 the season was comin' roon' whan he wad be aften 
 frae hame " whuppin' the cat," he resolved to place 
 me under the merciment o' Mr. Squeeker, the 
 pairish Dominie, a man generally thocht to be 
 deeply versed in the sciences o' readin', wreatin', 
 an' coontin', an' a maist severe flagellator, as I 
 sune faun' oot to my cost. 
 
 The Dominie belanged to the auld schule o' 
 worthies, wha were aye ready either for a dram or 
 a theological discussion. In his ooter man he was
 
 22 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 unco kenspeckle. His head was surmountit by 
 a broon worsted wig, on his back he wore a licht- 
 blue coat wi' brass buttons, his thighs were 
 encased in a pair o' velvet knee-breeks, glazed wi' 
 dirt, threed-bare wi' auld age, an' tender as 
 chicken wort, an' on his lower shanks he had a 
 pair o' coorse, ribbit, hamert-wrocht blue stockin's. 
 Aboot mid-forenoon, after he had wearied himsel' 
 oot wi' the administration o' pawmies at the rate 
 o' a dizzen or sae to ilk ane o' his disciples, he wad 
 prap himsel' up in the desk like a Hindoo Idol, an* 
 there he wad sit wi' his e'en steekit, an' tak' a 
 nap for half an oor at a time. The taws were aye 
 spread oot afore him, to be ready for ony 
 emergency that micht arise, an' whaever had the 
 daurin' impiddence to wauken him frae his nap, 
 micht consider himsel' lucky gin he cam' aff wi' 
 a skinfu' o' haill banes. 
 
 Under the Dominie's jurisdiction I cam' on 
 famously. As regairds literary an' scientific attain- 
 ments, I sune shot far ahead o' my faither, an' cud 
 set him to richts whan, i' the coorse o' his theological 
 researches, he fell in wi' ony lang-nebbit word or 
 phrase that he couldna get his tongue to flype 
 roon.' I got a paikin' aince ilka lawfu' day, some- 
 times twice, but bein' sae common, I got used till 
 't, an' felt raither disappointit belyve, whan, by 
 nae fault o' mine, but by accident as it were, the 
 halesome exerceese chanced to be omitted frae the 
 program. 
 
 The only chasteesement, hooever, that still sticks 
 to my memory like a burr, was ane I richly
 
 SCHOOLS AND SCHOOL-MASTERS 23 
 
 deserved at the time, an' that hasna been withoot 
 its uses to me, i' the coorse o' my earthly pil- 
 grimage. I had been under Mr. Squeeker for twa 
 years an' three quarters, an', no to mention that I 
 was aboot as far forrit i' the coontin' line as the 
 Dominie himsel', I was springin' up like a guidly 
 tree, an' growin' a menseless rogue to the boot o' 
 the bargain. Indeed, my faither had begun to 
 speak aboot takin' me hame to the needles. 
 Aweel ye see, ae mornin', me an' twa or three mair 
 like mysel', young Andra Sooter bein' ane o' them, 
 an' a muckle saft too-hoo, ca'd Jock Broon, anither, 
 instead o' gaen to the schule, set aff to the Whunny 
 Muir to seek youts' nests, an' howk lousy arnots. 
 Gran' sport we had too ; but, whan next mornin' 
 cam', what did Jock Broon, the simple snotter-box 
 no do ? but lat the cat oot o' the pock i' the hearin' 
 o' some o' 's cronies, wha were kind eneugh to 
 report to head quarters. Of coorse, we were 
 questioned on the subjck a' roon', an' as nane o' 
 's wad deny the truth, except Jock Broon himsel', 
 wha to save his hide wad hae denied his paternity 
 at a pinch, the angry Dominie treatit the haill 
 squad o' 's to sic a soon' baissin' as never mither's 
 son amang us had been treated till afore in a' oor 
 born days. 
 
 On oor wey hame that nicht, Andra Sooter an' 
 me to oor shame be it spoken ! laid oor heads 
 thegither, an' contrived a plan whaurby Mr. 
 Squeeker's knee-breeks sid be made to atone for 
 oor tinglin' paws. Andra underta'en to get a 
 pennyworth o' rozet frae Saunders Broganawl, the
 
 24 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 cobbler, an' the next forenoon was fixed on for the. 
 execution o' the daurin' projeck. The oor arrived, 
 an' faun' us prepared, but wi' oor hearts duntin' 
 sair against oor ribs. Juist at the close o' the 
 universal thrashin', that generally followed the 
 Bible lesson an' the Carritches, Andra, wi' the rozet 
 spread oot like a pancake i' his loof, slippit up to 
 the desk whan the Dominie was at the ither end 
 o' the schule, deeply absorbed in a coont in Com- 
 pound Proportion, an' cleverly transferred the rozet 
 frae his loof to that pairt o' the desk on which Mr. 
 Squeeker wad be sure to seat himsel' for his fore- 
 noon's nap. 
 
 Wi' fear an' tremblin' we watched the blue coat 
 an' velvet breekies mairch up the floor an' disappear 
 ahent the desk, an' marked the pair o' wee grey 
 een wink, wink, winkin' an' gradually growin' less 
 an' less, until they finally closed on a' sublunary 
 things. Ten minutes were allooed to pass ower, 
 sae that the rozet an' the velvet micht hae time 
 to amalgamate, an' everything bein' ready, some 
 designin' rascal I sanna be sayin' wha raxed his 
 airm through below the table, an' slily stappit ane 
 o' his faither's breek needles into the thick o' Jock 
 Broon's thigh. Instantaneously there burst furth 
 sic a howl as never afore or after was heard or 
 uttered within that seat o' learnin'. Mr. Squeeker 
 banged up frae his seat as gin he had been waukent 
 by a clap o' thunder. Grippin' the taws in his 
 richt hand, he sprang frae the desk like a deil 
 incarnate, fell upon Jock Broon tooth an' nail, an' 
 thrashed him within an inch o' his life, withoot
 
 SCHOOLS AND SCHOOL-MASTERS 25 
 
 takin' time to speer into the origin o' the hullaballoo, 
 or to notice that he had left the bottom o' his velvet 
 breeks stickin' to the seat. Havin' ta'en his penny- 
 worths o' Jock, he was aboot to retire ance mair to 
 the desk, whan stutterin' Andrew Reekie, the 
 smith's youngest laddie, a changelin', accordin' to 
 Mrs. Williamson, an' certainly wantin' tippence i' 
 the shillin', addressed him in the followin' irreverent 
 terms : " Eh, man, M-Maister Squeeker, d'ye n-no 
 k-ken, sir, that ye've a m-m-muckle h-hole i' the 
 b-bottom o' yer breeks ? " 
 
 Gin the Dominie was angry afore he was ten 
 times madder noo ! Wi' the ae han' he lent Andrew 
 a douffert i' the haffets, an' sent him whirlin' ower 
 a furm. Wi' the ither he instituted a searchin' ex- 
 amination into the truth o' Andrew's statement 
 an' faun' to his dismay that the fack had been 
 raither under than over-statit. Instead o' a bit 
 holie that my father cud hae doctored up till 'im 
 wi' little trouble, there remained, on the region 
 indicated, absolutely naething whaurin a hole cud 
 be ; it was a' hole thegither ! Naething remained 
 but the braid dumpy tails o' the blue coat ower 
 scant by far an' awa to sair for a decent coverin'. 
 
 Deemin' discretion the better pairt o' valour, the 
 Dominie ran to the desk for refuge. There he 
 beheld the cause o' the catastrophe ! The rozet 
 stickin' on the seat, an' the fragments o' his velvet- 
 breekies adherein' till't ! Had it no been mair for 
 ae thing than anither he wad hae thrashed the haill 
 schule black an' blue. Never was Dominie in a fury 
 sae ungovernable, or in a perdicament sae pitifu'.
 
 26 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 We were dismissed for the rest o' the day, to oor 
 great joy an' satisfaction, Andrew Reekie volun- 
 teerin' the information to ilk ane we met wi' on 
 the road hame that, " D-dominie Squeeker h-had a 
 m-muckle hole i' the b-bottom o' his breeks." 
 
 On a certain Moonday mornin', sax weeks or sae 
 after this adventure, my faither, havin' cleared a 
 corner o' the board, ordered me to cast my jacket 
 an' seat myself at his hip. Here an' noo did I 
 begin in dead earnest to wield my swurd an' buckler 
 i' the great battle o' life.
 
 CHAPTER IV 
 
 " WHISTLIW WILLIE" 
 
 MY promotion to the board was the means o' 
 gi'en me an insicht into politics, an' vaurious 
 ither branches o' learnin', that Domine Squeeker 
 never dreamt o' in his philosophy. Ploomen chiels 
 by the half-dizzen wad drap in i' the lang fore- 
 nichts o' winter, an' retail a' the clashes o' the 
 kintra-side. Scarcely a day passed ower that 
 didna bring wi' 't twa or three pack-merchants to 
 Buttonhole, a' laden wi' great sacrafeeses in the shape 
 o' braid an' narrow claiths, an' a' cram-fou o' news 
 o' what was gaun on in Lun'on, an' what bludie 
 battles were bein' foucht in Spain an' Germany. 
 
 In thae days, whan newspapers werna sae rife as 
 they are noo, fouk had to pick up sic scraps o' 
 news as they cud get, withoot speerin' very 
 closely into the authenteecity thereof; an', wi' the 
 exception o' what we learned frae the chapmen, we 
 kent but little o' what was ga'en on i' the warl', 
 ayont the boon's o' oor ain pairish. Waterloo had 
 been foucht, an' Buonaparte was weel on his wey 
 to St. Helena, afore we at Buttonhole kent ony- 
 thing mair aboot thae great national events than 
 
 27
 
 28 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 what we had been tell't by gangrel bodies, wha 
 had pickt up their information, bit by bit, in the 
 coorse o' their wanderin's. 
 
 Amang the regular veesitors to Buttonhole i' 
 the chapman line o' business in the early years 
 o' my apprenticeship, was William Stringan. He 
 was better kent by the nickname o' " Whistlin' 
 Willie," by reason o' the constantly habit he had o' 
 wheeplin' awa till himsel' Sabbath or Saturday, 
 it was a' the same to Willie. Willie had a pooer 
 o' Norlan' lingo on's tongue neb, an' never was at 
 a loss for a story to tempt customers to buy his 
 trockerie. Willie's quarterly visits were quite note- 
 worthy events in the monotonous routeene o' life 
 i' the parish o' Drumlie. Never did he come 
 withoot bringin' wi' 'im, in addeetion to his stock 
 o' braid an' narrow claith, moleskins, an' corduroys, 
 a perfect back-birn o' news baith domestic an' 
 foreign, that he had colleckit in the coorse o's wan- 
 derin's to an' fro. Mony was the ell o' claith my 
 faither coft frae him, an" mony a pound o' guid 
 siller did he carry oot o' oor hoose. Bein' a greedy 
 Nabal, hooever, gin he could get his bite, an' soup, 
 an' bed for naething, catch him payin' for them ! 
 He ettled aye to creep in aboot Buttonhole i' the 
 gloamin', whan he was sure o' a hearty supper o' 
 sowens an' sweet milk, an' a pressin' invitation to 
 stey a' nicht. Bein' far frae ony decent lodgin' 
 place, my mither, wha was a thochfu' bodie, cudna 
 thole the idea o' the puir craitur thrachlin' awa his 
 liefulane through the lanely muirs under clud o' 
 nicht, maybe to be waylaid, rubbit, yea, even
 
 "WHISTLJN* WILLIE" 29 
 
 murderit by some bludie villain, an' hae his 
 mangled remains flung intil a peat hole. 
 
 Durin' the second winter o' my apprenticeship, 
 jurist the week afore the New Year, we happened 
 to hae a fat swine o' twenty stane wecht to be 
 felled. My faither had arranged wi' Patie Baisler 
 (wha was a gran' haun' at pigstickin') at the kirk 
 door, on the previous Sabbath-day, that he was 
 to come ower to Buttonhole atween five an' sax 
 o'clock on the followin' Friday mornin', an' do the 
 butcherin' business afore ga'en oot till 's day's 
 yokin' ; for swine-killin' wasna Patie's ree'lar occu- 
 pation, but a job that he did at orra times, as it 
 were. Aweel, ye see, wha sid mak' his appearance 
 on the Thursday nicht but oor freen', Whistlin' 
 Willie ! His visit wasna oonexpeckit, for he was 
 aye sure to come in aboot atween Martinmas an' the 
 New Year, win' an' weather permittin', for he was 
 auld-farrand eneugh to ken that the bawbees were 
 rifer at that time amang the kintra fouk than at 
 ither seasons. Willie was made welcome as usual, 
 an' a' the lang forenicht he sat on the board, snuffln' 
 an' crackin' like a pen-gun, tellin' us a' the claiks o' 
 the neeborhood. The cracks gaed on frae ae thing 
 till anither, until my faither an' him fell into a 
 dreigh debate anent the number o' ait stacks in 
 the corn yaird on the farm o' Puddinmire, belangin' 
 to John M'Briar. My faither threepit that there 
 were only twal o' them. He had coontit them nae 
 farrer gane than Sabbath, whan he was passin' 
 Puddinmire to the kirk. Willie was equally 
 positeeve that fifteen was the correck figure. He
 
 30 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 had also coontit them twice ovver to mak' himsel' 
 certain that very mornin', an' he wadna be fear'd 
 to back his ain pooers o' calculation against the 
 arithmetic o' ony man livin'. My faither wad 
 wager his lugs an' he wadna like to want them 
 that he was richt Willie wad bet twenty pounds 
 an' he wasna ower rife o' siller that he was 
 richt 
 
 " Twenty pounds ! " exclaimed my faither. " Man, 
 ye jsurely dinna mean to say ye're worth a' that 
 siller ? " 
 
 This 'kittled Willie to the very quick, for he was 
 ambeetious o' bein' thocht a muckle man, an' had a 
 habit o' blowstin' aboot his great walth. Kennin' 
 this weakness, my faither slippit nae opportunity 
 o' takin' him doon a nick or twa for's ain diversion. 
 
 " Worth a' that siller ! " said Willie, drawin' frae 
 his oxter pouch a dirty harran-poke, which he held 
 up by the neck, an' sheuk in my faither's face, 
 garrin' the coin clink like a' that. " Worth a' that, 
 Mr. Bodkin ! Man, twenty pound wouldna be a 
 flee-bite to the like o' me. I've drawn fifty, aye, 
 an' twenty to tell't wi sin' Munnonday mornin', 
 an' it's a' here, Mr. Bodkin every plack an' bawbee 
 o't. Fu' wad ye like to hae sic a weel lined wallet 
 as that, man ? A' my ain tae." 
 
 " Peugh ! Willie man," answered my faither, 
 " muckle I wad be made up wi't, or else no juist 
 a wheen pennies an' bawbees ye've gotten, for twa 
 or three ells o' stringin'. They're makin' ower 
 muckle din for bein' muckle worth." 
 
 " Juist figur that then ! " said Willie, lowsin' the
 
 "WHISTLIN' WILLIE" 31 
 
 mou' o' 's poke, an' haulin' oot a bunch o' notes. 
 " Ca' ye that naething ? An' hark ye, man ! D'ye 
 hear the white siller, hoo it rattles ? " 
 
 " I wad rather see't than hear tell o' 't," said my 
 faither, pretendin' no to believe his ain lugs, " an' 
 as for thae runkled bits o' paper, Willie, I cudna 
 juist say at this distance whether they've been 
 used for tyin' up threed \vi', or for curlin' Mrs. 
 Stringan's hair ye'll ken that yersel' but they're 
 very unlike Bank notes ony hoo." 
 
 This was very angersome, of coorse, as indeed it 
 was meant to be, an' sae naething wad sair Willie 
 but he wad coup oot the haill contents o' his poke 
 upo' the board, sae as to mak' his put guid. 
 
 " Noo, min," cried Willie, triumphantly, " there's 
 occ'lar demonstration for ye ! D'ye disbelieve ye' re 
 ain een ? " 
 
 " My word ! but ye're a happy man, Mr. 
 Stringan ! " said my faither, haudin' up baith his 
 han's in an attitude o' astonishment. " Ay, ay, 
 wha wad hae thocht it, na ? But are na ye fleyed 
 at times for bein' rubbit, Mr. Stringan ? " 
 
 " Show me the chield wha wad daur to try sic a 
 trick, Mr. Bodkin," said Willie, raxin' himsel' oot 
 to his utmost longitude, an' assumin' a look o' the 
 fiercest "It wad tak' a dizzen fallows as swack 
 as mysel' to do that, I'm thinkin'." 
 
 " Hoot na, William," returned my faither, " we'll 
 haud by twa juist ane to grip ye by the thrapple, 
 an' the ither to rype yer pouches." 
 
 " My certie, if my nieves an' feet failed me, they 
 wad get the contents o' that lume i' their wames,
 
 32 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 though ! " said Willie, pu'in' oot a muckle horse 
 pistol frae the tail pouch o' his coat, an' haudin' 
 it up to the cruizie for general inspection, " Ye see, 
 that's a freen' that fails me never as lang as the 
 flint'll blink fire. Juist lat the Foul Thief himsel' 
 show face, an' I'se do for him, as sure's my name's 
 William Stringan ! " 
 
 Fegs, Willie lookit unco croose, as he had a 
 richt to do, bein' the owner o' sae mony pound 
 notes an' an auld pistol. My faither thocht it 
 prudent to wile his words for the remainder o' 
 the e'enin', no kennin' what the craitur micht do 
 till himsel', or to some ither body, gin he had been 
 putten into ower heigh a key. 
 
 Lowsin' time cam' belyve, an' sae Willie, after 
 gettin' his kyte lined wi' sowens an' sweet milk, 
 slippit his wa's to his roost, which was a little bit 
 bed for ae body, that my mither had made up for 
 ony orra craitur that micht cast up. It was in a 
 sma' pantry, the lid of which opened aff the hallan, 
 juist forgainst the ooter door. This pantry was 
 separatit frae the kitchen by a thin wudden parti- 
 tion. There were sundry seams in 't through which 
 ane could see an' hear, though a wee indistinctly, 
 what was bein' dune an' said at the kitchen fire- 
 side. 
 
 Neist mornin', by the skraigh o' day, my mither 
 was up makin' preparations for grumphy's ap- 
 proachin' execution. A fire that micht hae roasten 
 an ox, bleezed i' the chimbla, castin' a cheery lowe 
 through the haill biggin', an' garrin' the pewter- 
 dishes in the plate-rack, an' the pitcher lids on the
 
 " WHISTLIN' WILLIE " 33 
 
 wa', glitter like stars i' the firmament on a frosty 
 nicht. On the cruik hang the biggest pat on the 
 premises, an' roon' it were plantit ither twa or 
 three pats an' kettles o' lesser capacity, the haill 
 regiment o' them lip fou o' water, for gussie to be 
 plottit in, after havin' his craig nickit by Patie 
 Baisler's gully. 
 
 Patie bein' as regular as clock-wark, arrived 
 exactly at the oor appointit, wi' his whittles rowed 
 up in his blue an' white chackit apron in the ae 
 oxter, an' his bluidie cleaver i' the ither. 
 
 The first thing Patie did, after excheengin' salu- 
 tations, was to put his finger into the muckle pat to 
 try if the water was het eneugh. Findin' that it 
 wad tak' a few minutes to bring it to the boil, he 
 sat down afore the fire, an' had a twa-handit crack 
 wi' my faither aboot the probable wecht o' the 
 swine, which we had named " Willie," after his 
 former owner, William Haddow, tenant in Thseshie- 
 bogs, to distinguish him frae " Robbie," anither bit 
 shot, wi' black lugs an' a curlie tail, that we had 
 coft aboot the same time, frae Robbie Clapper- 
 tongue, the miller at Knappy Mill. 
 
 " Twenty stane, an' no a pund less," said my 
 faither, " or my een hae deceived me." 
 
 " Od I canna tak' in that," observed Patie, takin ' 
 a big pinch o' snuff, an' lookin' very wise-like, " Hoo 
 auld is the beastie?" 
 
 " Farryt at the beginnin' o' the ait-seed," said my 
 faither ; " sae ye can coont that" 
 
 " That'll be aboot nine months syne," said Patie, 
 coontin' the time on his fingers. " Twenty stane 
 
 3
 
 34 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 in nine months mair nor twa stane i' the month ! 
 na, that's no possible." 
 
 " Twenty stane an' no a pund less, I'se warrant 
 him," said my faither. 
 
 " Say saxteen, an' ye'll be nearer till't," said 
 Patie. 
 
 " Willie only saxteen stane ! " cried my faither. 
 " Man, Robbie's a' that if he be an unce, an' if Willie's 
 no four stane heavier, I'll undertak' to eat him. I 
 tell ye Willie's twenty stane, an' that ye'll see." 
 
 " Weel, weel," observed Patie, sharpin' his gullies, 
 an' garrin' them risp on the glitterin' steel, " we'll 
 see aboot that an we had the spunk oot o' 'm." 
 
 Patie tried the water again, an' pronounced it 
 "juist the vera thing." He then proceedit to lay 
 doon the rules to be observed in takin' Willie 
 captive, an' kiltin' him ower on's bean-ends. My 
 faither was to hing on by the lugs, an' me by the 
 tail, while Patie himsel' was to whummel him ower 
 on's richt side. My mither had thochts o' makin' 
 bluidie puddins for a New Year's feast, an' sae I 
 was commissioned to kep the bluid in a timmer- 
 caup, if sae be I cud be spaired lang eneugh frae 
 the tail. The plan o' campaign bein' completit, 
 we set oot for the cruive wi' a lantrin, my mither 
 strictly enjoinin' me to haud a siccar grip, an' no 
 fyle my breeks wi' the bluid 
 
 A strong sense o' duty alane fortifeed me to face 
 this fearfu' ploy. Had human natur' been consultit, 
 I wad hae been in my bed, wi' the sheets stappit 
 into my lugs, far ayont the reach o' puir Willie's 
 pcetffu' lamentations. But, alas ! that cudna be
 
 "WHISTLIN' WILLIE" 35 
 
 Makin' a virtue o' needcessity, therefore, I screwed 
 up my courage to the stickin' point. 
 
 Willie maun hae had some presentiment o' what 
 was comin' on him, for, whereas he had been afore- 
 time distinguished for the suavity o' his mainners, 
 an' a disposeetion to scrape up acquantance wi' 
 strangers, he was, on this occasion, as dour to draw 
 as a badger. To a' my faither's maist persuasive 
 invitations to come oot o' his lair, he merely an- 
 swered wi' a heavy grunt an' grane. Like the 
 Heelanman, whan asked for the len o' " ten-an'- 
 twenty shillin's," Willie pretendit to hae been 
 " sleepin' twa lang oors syne." 
 
 There bein' nae time to stand an' parley, hoo- 
 ever, we a' jaump ower the treviss into the ootside 
 fauld. My faither first tried coaxin wi' 'im, but as 
 that wadna do, he put in his han', an' says he, 
 " Willie, my man, it's useless to dort an' thraw wi' 
 us, for oot ye maun come, an' be stickit, either wi' 
 guid or ill will there's nae twa ways aboot that. 
 Tak' ye tent o' yer gully, Patie, an' I'se draw him 
 oot by the lug an' the horn." 
 
 Makin' a glaum i' the dark to grip grumphie by 
 the lug, he seized hauds o' the muckle tae o' a 
 human fit ! He had nae time to examine whether 
 it belanged to the dead or to the livin', for the 
 neist moment there burst furth a howl that wad 
 hae frichtened the French. 
 
 " Villains ! " roared the voice, " wad ye daur to 
 cut my craig for my siller ? Come on ! Come on, 
 I say ! If there's a dizzen o' ye, Fm yer man ! 
 Tak' that ye theevin' vagabonds ! Whew ! " an'
 
 3 6 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 afore ye cud hae said sax a pistol played pluff 
 inside the stye, makin' a smush that was scom- 
 fishin', an' a noise that was frichtsome. 
 
 We a' tane to oor heels like mad. Back to the 
 hoose we ran helter-skelter, ilk ane like to ding 
 ower his neibor, to the great terrification o' my 
 puir mither, wha imagined, whan she beheld oor 
 bewildered looks, an' heard us yellochin' a' 
 throughither, some cryin' ae thing an' some 
 anither, that an evil spirit had ta'en possession o' 
 the swine, like as it happened i' the days o' auld, 
 an' that the brute wad be in at the winnock, or 
 doon the lum, to devoor us a' up, stoup an' roup. 
 
 " Losh be here ! " cried my mither, glaumin' 
 wildly at the poker, " rin ben an' wauken William 
 Stringan, for we'll a' be killed dead this very 
 instant ! " 
 
 Ben ran my faither to Willie's bed-room wi' a 
 lowin' stick in 's hand, but behold the nest was 
 flown. Feint a Willie was there to be seen nor 
 oucht belangin' till 'im, naething but some orra bits 
 o' duds, includin' his bannet, his waistcoat, an' his 
 stockin's an' shoon ! Here was a bonnie. business ! 
 Willie awa under clud o' nicht ! Maybe he had 
 rubbit the hoose ! Maybe he had been murder't 
 an' his carkitch carried aff halesale ! 
 
 My mither was on the point o' ga'en aff in a 
 fit o' the hysterics, whan the suspeecion cam' into 
 my head that the occupant o' the swine's hoose 
 micht turn oot to be nae ither than the packman 
 himsel'. The muckle tae, nakit as it had entered 
 life at first, which my faither had laid hand o' i'
 
 " WHISTLIN' WILLIE " 37 
 
 the cruive, coupled wi' the fact o' the bodie's 
 stockin's and shoon bein' still to the fore at his 
 bedside, as also his havin' a horse pistol in his 
 possession the nicht afore, a' seemed to point to 
 the feasibeelity o' my view o' the case. After we 
 had lookit at the problem in a' its varied lichts, 
 a resolution was come till that we sid gae roon' to 
 the cruive, an' see whether my theory was the 
 richt ane or no. 
 
 Turnin' the key cautiously, my faither opened 
 the door far eneugh to lat oot his head, while Patie 
 stood at his back wi' his cleaver, ready to brain 
 whaever micht offer violence. Seein' that the 
 fields were fair, hooever, we a' crap oot on oor 
 tiptaes, an' roon' we slippit wi' loupin' hearts to 
 the cruive, withoot meetin' wi' ony mischanter. 
 There we beheld a frichtfu' spectacle, for there 
 lay the puir grunter streekit oot a' his length an' 
 as dead's a herrin' ! He had dootless fa'en a 
 victim to the messenger o' death ettled at my 
 faither. Terrifeed oot o' 's wits at the colliebuction 
 that had arisen inside his stye, whan my faither 
 seized haUds o' the human tae, the puir brute had 
 socht safety in flicht, an' arrived ootside juist in 
 time to kep the contents o' the pistol richt atween 
 the een. 
 
 " Is that you, Mr. Stringan ? " said my faither, 
 hardly able to speak aboon's breath, owin' to the 
 nervousness that had paralees'd his organs o' speech. 
 
 " Speer something ye dinna ken ! " was the angry 
 response, " but haud back if ye dinna want a bullet 
 through your harran-pan ! "
 
 3 8 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 " Mr. Stringan ! " said my faither in a tone o' 
 great pawthos, " are ye daft ? or are ye oot o' yer 
 wuts ? or hae ye gane gyte ? or hae ye seen the 
 wirri-cow? or hae a' thae ills come ower ye at 
 aince, that ye hae left yer warm bed half nakit 
 on this cauld winter mornin', an' cruppen in beside 
 the swine?" 
 
 " Hang ye ! " yelled Willie, " d' ye think I wad 
 bide alow yer roof an' lat ye cut my throat ? " 
 
 " O William ! William ! " said my faither in a 
 tone o' great earnestness, " I doot I doot ye're 
 mind's far wrang, puir man ; but come yer wa's 
 oot, an' I'se explain a' to yer satisfaction." 
 
 " Gie yer aith then that ye winna stick me wi' 
 that gully I heard ye sharpin'," urged Willie, " for 
 gin ye try ony o' yer pranks wi' me, mind this 
 I've anither shot i' the pistol ! " 
 
 " It was the swine an' no you we were ga'en to 
 stick, Willie," said my faither in a tone o' great 
 earnestness an' solemnity ; " but come yer wa's, like 
 a man, an' I sanna alloo a hair o' yer head to be 
 hurt." 
 
 Wi' this assurance the puir mortal cam' creepin' 
 on a' fours frae his hidie-hole, haulm' his pack at his 
 curpin'. Whan he had thowed his frozen taes at 
 the kitchen fire for a wee, he got into the best o' 
 speerits, an' lauched as loodly as ony o' 's at the 
 redeek'lous mistak' he had fa'en intil. 
 
 Willie's fears as to oor murderous intent hadna 
 been sae foondationless as we at first imagined. 
 He had waukened frae a dream about bein' rubbit 
 an' murdert, juist as Patie Baisler cam' stumpin'
 
 "WHISTLIN' WILLIE" 39 
 
 in the hallan. Wonderin' at the oontimeous steer 
 aboot the hoose, he nat' rally applied baith his ee 
 an' his lug to the seam i' the wa'. Catchin' a glisk 
 o' Patie sharpin' his whittles afore the fire, an' 
 over-hearin' bits o' oor cracks aboot the stickin' o' 
 ane " Willie," together wi' bits o' the argument 
 otvveen Patie an' my faither, wherein the words 
 "twenty" an' "pound" were used, the appallin' 
 thocht by-an'-by ta'en possession o' his muddled 
 brain, that he Willie Stringan was the " Willie " 
 referred till, an' the twenty pounds he had wagered 
 in the ait stack dispute the unknown quantity that 
 was to be ascertained by the cuttin' o' his craig. 
 
 Maitters lookit unco like a plot to tak' awa his 
 life for the sake o' the siller he had been braggin' 
 aboot. Thinkin' he had seen an" heard eneugh to 
 convince him that his hin'maist oor had arrived, 
 gin he didna mak' himsel' scarce, he banged up, 
 creepit intil's breeks an' coat, slippit oot wi' his 
 pack, noiseless as a shadow, an' socht an asylum 
 frae his foes in the swine's cruive !
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 HUNTING THE "GOWK" 
 
 IN twa days' time the news o' Willie Stringan's 
 adventure had run like wullfire ower a' the East 
 Neuk. Gang whaur he likit, he faun' that the 
 story had preceded him, an' great was the merri- 
 ment indulged in at his expense. Naebody likes 
 to be made a lauchin'-stock o'. He was angry, an' 
 nae wonder. But to put oot his spite on my 
 faither, i' the way he did, wasna bonny conduct in 
 ony Christian man. The ill-deedie vaig ! Gin he 
 had gotten what he deserved, he wad hae been 
 weel soused for't. But there were mair haun's i' 
 the pie than Willie's, for whanever the Deil tak's in 
 haun' a parteek'larly kittle job, be sure he'll get the 
 help o' seven speerits mair wicked than himsel'. 
 
 Aboot three months after the swine's cruive 
 business, ae mornin' atween seven an' aucht o'clock, 
 in comes Willie, pack on shoother, ellwand in 
 han', an' whistlin' as usual. 
 
 He didna stop to chap at the door, but bauldly 
 stappit inbye to the fluirhead, whaur he faun' my 
 mither busy makin' the parritch, an' up to the 
 
 oxters in aitmeal. 
 
 40
 
 HUNTING THE "GOWK" 41 
 
 " Guid mornin t'ye, Mrs. Bodkin," he said ; " I 
 see ye're like the guidwife spoken o' i' the Pro- 
 verbs, ye rise while it's nicht, an' gie meat t' yer 
 hoosehold, an' a portion to yer maidens. Ye're no 
 like Mrs. M'Briar, owerbye at Puddinmire, for I 
 gi'ed a glower in at the hallan-winnock i' the bye- 
 comin', an' wad ye believe it ? the lazy limmer 
 wasna oot o' her roost, an' a' the bairns rinnin' 
 aboot nakit, an greetin' for their parritch." 
 
 " Yea, yea, William," said my mither, " but ye 
 see I'm no Mrs. M'Briar, an' Mrs. M'Briar's no me ; 
 but what's brocht ye sae sune oor gait, this mornin' 
 ava ? " 
 
 " Aha, guid news sidna tarry lang by the wey, 
 Mrs. Bodkin," said Willie, puttin' on a very myste- 
 rious air, " but, that's true, far's the guidman this 
 mornin' ? " 
 
 " 'Deed, Willie, Tammas is owerbye at the Knowe 
 Park gettin' in his ait-seed," was the reply, " an' 
 he hasna time to spare the day, sae ye needna be 
 lowsin' doon yer pack." 
 
 " Hoity, toity ! ye're unco short wi' a body the 
 day, Mrs. Bodkin," said Willie, " but haud yer 
 weisht, 'oman, for ae fitstap I'm no to gang 
 ootower this door, till I've delivered the message 
 to ye're guid man 'at I got yestreen, frae John 
 Stamps the postman at Anster. 
 
 " Eh, what message was that, Mr. Stringan ? " 
 speered my mither, her curiosity gettin' wakened 
 up by Willie's mystification. 
 
 " Send for Mr. Bodkin instantly," said W'illie, 
 gatherin' up his pack an' ellwand, as gin he was
 
 42 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 aboot to gac aff in the pet, " for I sanna say a 
 word mair aboot it till he comes. I'm nae to be 
 standin' here a' day, daidlin' awa my time for 
 naething. That winna pey wi' me." 
 
 " Stop ! Stop ! Mr. Stringan," said my mither, 
 an' rinnin' to the fit o' the garret stair, she cries up 
 to me, " Rin ower bye to the Knowe Park, laddie, 
 an' tell yer faither to come hame immedintly, as 
 Mr. Stringan has a message till 'im, frae Mr. Stamps, 
 the Anster postman." 
 
 Aff I flew like the shot o' a gun, an' delivered my 
 message, and hame cam' my faither burstin' like a 
 puddin', an' wonderin' a' the wey what cud be the 
 purport o' Willie's communication. His surmisin's 
 were sune set at rest by Willie informin' him that 
 Mr. Stamps had a letter for him, wi' the New York 
 post mark on't, an' " to lie till called for." 
 
 " Losh, man, William," said my faither, " did ye 
 see the letter ? an' what like was it ava ? " 
 
 " See it ! " replied Willie, wi' an air o' the greatest 
 assurance, " that I did, an' handled it tae, an' Stamps 
 says a gallanter letter never gaed through his office. 
 Frae some lawyer, I suppose by the hand wreat. 
 Has a black border, tae, an' sealed wi' black wax, 
 an' I noticed on't twa cross banes, an' a death's 
 head. I wad hae brocht it wi' me to favour ye, 
 but Stamps wadna gie't to onybody but yersel', as 
 he said it was to lie till ca'ed for." 
 
 "Something happened to Uncle Jeames in 
 America," remarked my faither. " He was ailin' 
 sometime syne, an' gin he be dead, as I hope he's 
 no, the feck o's walth will fa' to me, as bein' next
 
 HUNTING THE "GOWK" 43 
 
 o' kin. I'se fling on my coat an' rin doon to 
 Anster an' see the end o' the business." 
 
 " An' by my certie," said Willie, " gin ye be 
 certain o' sic an heirskap as Jeames Bodkin's 
 fortune maun be, I'm no gaen awa ae fitstap till 
 ye tak' a complete suit o' the best Wast o' Englan' 
 frae me. We've kent ane anither lang noo, Mr. 
 Bodkin, an' wha kens gin there'll be ony speakin' 
 t' ye, aince ye get sic a clash o' siller i' yer loof, sae 
 ye'll juist patroneese me aince mair afore ye've 
 grown ower big for dealin' \vi' the like o' puir 
 Willie Stringan." 
 
 Weel, juist to pacify the craitur, an' get quat o'm 
 withoot mair ado, an' pairtly, too, maybe, because 
 his heart was opened at the near prospeck he had 
 o' inheritin' a lairge fortune, my faither did tak' a 
 suit o' Willie's Wast o' Englan', an' was foolish 
 eneugh to gie him his ain price for't, which was 
 at least a hunder per cent, aboon its real value. 
 The bargain concludit, Willie pouched his four 
 pound ten, shoother'd his pack, an' set aff through 
 the Whunny Muir whistlin' like a mavis, an' 
 dingin' the taps fra the carldoddies wi' his ell-wand, 
 by wey o' beatin' time to his ain music. 
 
 My faither washed his face, shaved his beard, an' 
 flang on his Sabbath-day's claes, an' aff he set 
 to Anster what he could scour. His thochts by 
 the way were, dootless, a wee mixed. There wad 
 be sorrow for the death o' Uncle Jeames, joy at 
 the prospeck o' gettin' sic a nice peeled egg, an' 
 maybe veesions o' a gilt coach, an' a Baronetcy, if 
 no a Peerage !
 
 44 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 On presentin' himsel' at the post office, Mr. 
 Stamps handit him the letter frae the winnock, 
 wi' an air o' greater politeness than was common 
 wi'm. Awa he slippit intil a quiet corner by 
 himsel', brak' open the seal, an' read as follows : 
 
 "New York. 
 
 " HONOURED SIR, As the law agents and legal 
 executors of the late James Bodkin, Esquire, of 
 this City, it is our sad and painful duty to inform 
 you that your distinguished relative died here, on 
 the 3 ist ult, and we are to apprise you, that by 
 his death you are put into the immediate posses- 
 sion of his immense fortune, amounting in toto, 
 after deducting all necessary expenses, to the sum 
 of 200,000 dollars cash, together with his Mansion 
 House, No. 999, Nineteenth Street, in this City 
 and all its relative fixin's, for the disposition 
 whereof we anxiously await your esteemed orders. 
 The money we have sent off in hard cash, by the 
 present Mail Packet, addressed to you (as instructed 
 by your late relative) at the Flying Horse Inn, 
 Market Street, St. Andrews, where it will have 
 arrived by the time you have received this letter. 
 Please forward a discharged receipt for the amount, 
 per return of post, together with instructions for 
 the disposition of your remaining property. 
 " SKINFLINT & MILKHIM. 
 
 " Land, Law, and Loan Agents. 
 
 " THOMAS BODKIN, ESQ., of Buttonhole, Scotland." 
 Havin' maister'd the contents o' this epistle, my
 
 HUNTING THE "GOWK" 45 
 
 faither stappit in bye to Mr. Stamps, an' communi- 
 catit till 'im the news o' his guid luck. Stamps 
 advised him to lose nae time in settiri'j aff to 
 St. Andrews to secure his treasure. 
 
 He didna need twa tellin's to do that, an' as he 
 jealoused that the parcel wad be a wechty ane, 
 the siller bein' a' in white an' yellow metal, he 
 bethocht himsel' o' a conveyance. On the road 
 to St. Andrews, he ca'd in at Saughenshaw, an' 
 got Robbie Rough to gie 'im a lift in's cuddy- 
 cairt. The road atween Anster an' the Ancient 
 City, bein' nane o' the smoothest, was far frae bein' 
 weel adappit for cuddy-drivin'. Robbie, hooever, 
 carried wi' 'im a stoot hazel rung, havin' a sharp 
 pike in the end o't, an' therewith he keepit proddin' 
 at the hurdies o' the camsteerie brute to gar it pit 
 a stap amou't. 
 
 " Robbie, man, ye cruel pagan ! " said my faither, 
 unable to forbear ony langer, " the richteous man 
 has mercy on's beast. Dinna ye ken that the 
 Almichty ance opened the mou' o' an ass, an' made 
 it the meedium o' reprovin' its wicked maister, 
 wha was juist sic anither as ye are yersel', I 
 doot?" 
 
 " Weel, I'll no be a richteous man than," replied 
 Robbie, giein' the cuddy anither desperate poke 
 aboon the tail ; " an' as for my ass speakin' back 
 to me, I'm no the least fleyed for that, for ae 
 day, a wheen weeks syne, whan his bridle was 
 awa mendin', I was leadin' him frae the stable by 
 the tongue, for want o' onything better to hing on 
 by, an' as sure 's death, Mr. Bodkin, the haill
 
 46 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 apparawtus cam' to me. Sae gin the want o' a 
 tongue be ony encooragement for an ass to speak, 
 mine 'ill maybe say something belyve. But see, 
 min. yonder's Luckie Paunch's braw new sign- 
 boord. We're juist half wey to the city. Arena 
 ye gaen in to gie's a dram on this cauld day, that 
 I may wuss ye success, wi' a' yer gran' gear ? " 
 
 My faither had nae objection to this proposal, 
 because it was noo past denner time, an' he was 
 beginnin' to feel a wee thochtie yappish. Sae they 
 ca'd a halt at Mrs. Paunch's, whaur they had some 
 meat, an' nae less than a half-mutchkin o' Glenleevit 
 was disposed o' atweesh the twa o' them. Mrs. 
 Paunch havin' been tauld aboot the fortune, leuch 
 like mad, haudin' up baith her hands in wonder- 
 ment at the thocht o' sae muckle siller. 
 
 Again they set oot on their journey, but at a 
 snail's pace, for the cuddy, unable to walk fast 
 afore their halt, frae sheer starvation, was noo juist 
 as unable to do sae frae havin' tane ower menseless 
 a wame-fu' o' Luckie Paunch's fodder, for they had 
 corned the cuddy as weel as themsel's. By dint 
 o' perseverance hooever, they at last an' lang 
 reached St. Andrews, and landit at the sign o' 
 the Fleein' Horse. There they faun' the parcel 
 awaitin' them, juist as the New York chields had 
 said. It was a plain-lookin' bundle, girt roond wi' 
 raips in a' directions, an' naething ava like the hool 
 o' sic a valuable kernel as twa hunder thoosand 
 dollars. But as Robbie sagely observed, ap- 
 pearances are unco' deceitfu'. 
 
 Wi' the help o' half a dizzea o' hangers-on aboot
 
 HUNTING THE "GOWK" 47 
 
 the inn stables, they managed to heeze the pock 
 into Robbie's cairt. Mony jokes an' guesses were 
 made as to what cud be in't, it was sae uncommon 
 wechty. My faither, however, wisely resolved to 
 keep them a' i' the dark, for fear o' excitin' their 
 cupeedity, for some o' them micht hae been sae far 
 left to themsel's as to hae followed the cairt to a 
 lanely pairt o' the road, an' committit murder an' 
 spulzie. 
 
 They had sax or audit mile o' gait afore their 
 han', an' it was growin' gloamin' dark by the time 
 they were ootside the wa's o' the city. Their pro- 
 gress was but sma', for if the cuddy was sair for- 
 fouchten afore, he was ten times mair sae after he 
 had received his gowden burthen. Seven o'clock 
 had chappit on oor auld gowkoo knock, an' still 
 there was naither word nor wittens o' my faither. 
 By richts he sid hae been hame on the back o' 
 denner-time, an' here it was near supper-time, an' 
 still he cam' not. That was far frae bein' like 
 Tammas Bodkin, for he was as reeg'lar for ordinar' 
 as the tides o' the ocean. My mither had been oot 
 at the door, fifty times sin' fouroors' time, lookin' 
 an' listenin' for ony sign o' his hame-comin'. Be- 
 lyve she cam' in \vi' the report that she cud hear 
 the rummel o' a cairt comin' doon the Broomybrae 
 Road. Shortly thereafter the equipauge drew up 
 afore the door. 
 
 " Haste ye, guidwife, an' mak' ready a feast o' fat 
 things for Robbie an' me," was my faither's first 
 salutation. " Fling aff yer orra duds, an j don yer 
 bravery, lass ! Juist as I expeckit Jeamcs Bodkin
 
 48 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 dead nae less than twa hunder thoosand dollars 
 every plack an' bawbee o't an' a' i' the pock 
 here ! " 
 
 " Tammas, my man, ye're no yersel' surely ! " 
 said my mither wi' a deep sich. " Are ye the waur 
 o' drink ? or are ye fey ? or baith ? " 
 
 " Deed, Effie, 'oman, I'm no juist mysel', I daur- 
 say," said he, clappin' 'er on the shoother ; " but 
 I'm mair than mysel', an' that's muckle better, for 
 I'm as rich as Croesus, now, hinny. We'll hae a 
 coach belyve to ride in, with the lion an' the 
 unicorn fechtin' for the croon pentit on the lid o't. 
 Gae awa, gutdwife, an' fell the coo, an' put a lunt 
 to the peatstack. Send for Janet Grierson, an' gie 
 her as muckle beef in her lap as she can carry 
 hame wi' her, to gar her auld crakit pat play 
 broon!" 
 
 Wae's me, hoo my mither glowered in a state o' 
 perfect bewilderment at his daft-like antics ! A 
 few rational words o 1 explanation, however, sune 
 cleared up the mystery, an' by-an'-by she begoud 
 to comprehend that she was hencefurth to be as 
 find a leddy as was in a' the Ian'. 
 
 Wi' muckle ado we got the parcel carried inbye 
 to the fluir-head, whaur we proceedit to rip it up, 
 sae that we micht feast oor een on the treasure 
 within. The muckle kist that had been my grand- 
 faither's was toomed, an' brocht frae the neuk to 
 receive its fraucht o' gowden dollars. My faither 
 had nae patience to lowse the raips frae the parcel, 
 but sent me up to the board for the muckle sheers, 
 wherewith he whankit them aff, juist as if they had
 
 HUNTING THE "GOWK" 49 
 
 been a wheen beasin' steeks. My mither thocht it 
 was wasterfu' like, an' said sae. 
 
 ' Wasterfu' like, 'oman ! " exclaimed my faither, 
 "wha that can brag o's thoosands wad care a 
 snuff pen for an auld hempen string ? " 
 
 On the mou' o' the pock beiif open'd, oot tumbl't 
 a whunstane as big's my head. Anither shak' 
 brocht furth anither stane o' the same quality, but 
 nae appearance o' gowd or silver. 
 
 " Seems to me," observed Robbie Rough, wha 
 was standin' wi' his hands in his pouches behaddin' 
 the operation, "seems to me to be a pockfu' o' 
 road metal ! They maun hae queer siller in 
 Ameerika, but it winna gang far here aboot, I'm 
 thinkin'." 
 
 My faither tane an unco red face till himsel', an' 
 wi' the view o' seein' to the bottom o' the business, 
 he grippit the pock by the twa corners, and sheuk 
 oot the haill contents on the floor stanes ! stanes ! 
 and scraps o' auld eiron ! Feint head else. Preend 
 inside the mou' o' the pock was a wee bit paper, 
 wi' the followin' inscription on't in a roon' hand o' 
 wreat, that we kent weel to be Willie Stringan's, 
 
 "The first o' April 
 Send the gowk a mile.'' 
 
 This was an awfu' revelation. Never had my 
 faither been in sic a rage in a' his lifetime. He 
 was neither to haud nor bind. He was baith 
 affrontit an' wae. To be made sic a fule o' by a 
 blackguard chapman bodie ! 
 
 Juist at this stage o' the business, in staps 
 
 4
 
 5 o TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 Saunders Walker, the guidman o' Deukdubs, an 
 unco tricky carl, wha was passin' oor door hame- 
 ward frae the market, an' to him were relatit the 
 leadin' events o' the day, Whistlin' Willie bein' 
 named as the author o' the hoax. 
 
 " Gin I were you^Tammas," said Saunders, after 
 he had heard the haill story, " I wadna lat that 
 vaig sleep this nicht wi' a skinfu' o' hale-banes, if I 
 ken't him to be within the boon's o' the coonty. 
 If ye like, I cud put ye on the scent o'm, for I 
 ran in i' the bye comin' to speer for auld Weetfit, 
 wha has been ailin' for some time, an 5 wha did I 
 see cockin' at the kitchen fire, but the very rascal 
 that has played ye a' this pliskie ? The guidwife 
 tauld me that Willie was to be at Weetfit a' nicht, 
 sae gin ye be clever, ye'll maybe get yer satisfaction 
 oot o'm afore bed-time yet. Gin I were you, my 
 sang, but I wad lat him fin' the wecht o'. my cudgel 
 on his ill-faurd shoothers, for his main impiddence." 
 Withoot anither word, my faither banged doon 
 his hazel-rung frae the bauks, an', sair against my 
 mither's will, set oot on the instant to Weetfit, fully 
 determined to gar Willie's carkitch atone for his 
 misdemeanours. 
 
 An oor's walk brocht him till's destination, but, 
 lo, an' behold ! whan he put his angry coontenance 
 inside the kitchen door, an' demandit the body o' 
 William Stringan for instant execution, the fouk 
 glowred at him as gin he had been a warlock. 
 Willie Stringan ! feint a Willie Stringan had they 
 seen or heard tell o' for months an' mair. Here 
 was he, the " gowk " ance mair ! Little did he ex-
 
 HUNTING THE "GOWK" 51 
 
 peck sic treatment frae Saunders Walker, but it's 
 ill kennin' fouk. 
 
 There was nae help for't, but juist to treasure up 
 his wrath for an after occasion. Turnin' his weary 
 fitstaps aince mair i' the direction o' Buttonhole, 
 he stoitert his wa's i' th' dark through the muirs 
 an' dangerous quagmires "that lay atween 'im 
 an' his hame," the snipes an' wild-deuks keepin' 
 up a ceaseless concert o' eerifu' music eneugh to 
 frichten ony honest man oot o's very joodgment ! 
 
 My mither had agreed wi' him to place the 
 cruzie i' the gavel winnock to guide him through 
 the mire, an' glad was he as glad could be, whan 
 he at last got a glisk o' the freen'ly beacon, beamin' 
 like a star o' hope amid the surroondin' darkness. 
 Keepin' his e'e stedfastly fixt on the licht, an' 
 
 " Plantin' his staff wi' a' his skill, 
 To keep him siccar," 
 
 he knoitit awa' at a steady pace, whan doon he 
 plumpit intil a peat-hole, up to the very shoothers 
 amang water an' rotten glaur ! 
 
 Thinkin' that his hin'most oor was at han', he 
 remained stockstill for a wee, considerin' whether he 
 wad mak' a desperate effort to free himsel' frae his 
 perilous sitiwation, or leave the case i' the han's 
 o' Providence, whan the idea at last struck him 
 that the maist he could look for frae Providence 
 was the means an' the abeelity to help himsel'. 
 Summonin' up a' his remainin' pith an' veegour, he 
 gied a warsle or twa, laid hauds o' the lang threshies 
 that hung ower the brink o' the hole, an' was never
 
 52 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 mair thankfu' in's life than whan he at last faun' 
 the soles o's feet on dry land, even though he had 
 left his shoon stickin' fast i' the glaur at the bottom. 
 
 Huntin' the "gowk" again! The licht he had 
 seen wasna the licht my lovin' mither's haun's had 
 placed i' th' gavel winnock, but ane o' yer deceitfu' 
 Will-o'-wisps that lead the unwary to the City o' 
 Destruction. 
 
 After gaun through a waif o' lesser misfortunes, 
 ower numerous to mention, he at last an' lang 
 reached Buttonhole, barefit an' bareleggit, an' 
 drookit like a drooned mouse. My mither grat 
 like a bairn whan she beheld him in sic a waefu* 
 plicht. She thocht he had gotten himsel' brained 
 in battle wi' Willie Stringan. Whan Jock, an' 
 Chirstie, an' me, saw her sabbin', we fell to the 
 greetin' likewise. Buttonhole that nicht was truly 
 a scene o' weepin' an' wailin', an' I may even say 
 o' gnashing o' teeth, for I'm sair mista'en if my 
 faither had but gotten a grip o' Saunders Walker, 
 an' especially o' Whistlin' Willie, that nicht, he 
 wad hae been the deid o' them ! Gude guide us ! 
 never was mortal man sae mad on a first o' April 
 sin' the warld began. What was waur to thole than 
 a' his ither misfortunes, was the thocht that a" his 
 houpes o' walth an' grandeur had been dashed to the 
 grun,' never mair to rise an" disport themsel's on 
 triumphant wings !
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 
 TIBBIE TURNS UP 
 
 IN the last year o' my apprenticeship, there 
 cam' to the neiborhood o' Buttonhole, in the 
 capacity o' a maid-servant, a trig, sonsy, speerity 
 young quean, wi' een as black as slaes, cheeks roon', 
 plump, an' red as roses, an' a wee bit mou' that 
 seemed designed by natur' to fit itsel' into mine. 
 Though a year or twa younger than me, she never- 
 theless lookit mair like a woman than I did like a 
 man, for the crap on my chin hadna as yet sprootit 
 beyond the texture o' cat's hair, nor had a razor 
 passed ower my face, though I had made sundry 
 attempts to snod aff the roughest an' langest 
 bristles wi' my sheers, especially at the wicks o' 
 my mou' \vhaur they had apparently a mair fruitfu' 
 soil, or a mair genial cleemate than elsewhere. 
 
 The name o' this bit rustic maiden was Isabella 
 Monypenny. Her faither was a sma' farmer at 
 a place ca'd Breeriebuss, aboot sax miles to the 
 wast'art o' Buttonhole. William Monypenny, 
 though weel eneugh to do, as the sayin' is, was far 
 frae bein' a walthy man, in the common acceptation 
 
 53
 
 54 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 o' the word, an* sae, as his bairns grew up, they 
 had to gang furth an' fend for themsel's, 
 
 " At sen-ice out amang the farmers round," 
 
 like the bairns o' Burns's honest cottar. 
 
 The first sicht I got o' the bit lassockie was i' 
 the kirk, on the second Sabbath after the Martinmas 
 Term. Never before had my e'en lichtit on ony- 
 thing in the guise o' mortal flesh and bluid half 
 sae bonnie an' captivatin'. 
 
 Through the kirk I glowered, in search for 
 comparisons, but though scores o' mirky, blumin' 
 faces were there, nane o' them a' cam' near hand 
 up to Tibbie Monypenny's. Sair did I try to keep 
 my een aff her ower an' ower again did I tear 
 them awa', an' fix them on the Rev. Gabriel 
 Gowlanthump's red nose, wi' a heroic determina- 
 tion to follow the thread o' the discoorse, an' 
 dismiss a' carnal thochts o' the rosy cheeks an' 
 slae-black een o' the fascinatin' fairy but a' my 
 efforts were in vain. 
 
 I cud see at least, I thocht I saw that Tibbie 
 had aboot as little control ower her een as I had 
 ower mine. I cudna look aboon half a second 
 at her, withoot catchin' her in the act o' glowerin' 
 at me, an' whanever oor een forgaithered she wad 
 blush an" glower doon to the text, an' I wad do 
 the same. That a mutual flame had been kindled 
 in baith oor breasts, was a clear case. Till that 
 eventfu' day, we had never seen ane anither. An' 
 yet, nae sooner did oor een meet, than there began 
 to operate some owermaisterin' law o' attraction
 
 TIBBIE TURNS UP 55 
 
 that pu d at oor heartstrings, an' drew them closer 
 an' closer the langer we were acquant, until we 
 gradually entered into partnership, an' there 
 remained but ae fond, faithfu', trustin' heart 
 atween us twa. 
 
 For aince was Mr. Gowlanthump's discoorse ower 
 brief for my taste, though it had lastit a haill oor 
 an' a half. The time seemed to hae flown past 
 wi' the fleetness o' a swallow on the wing. The 
 final " add no more " wherewith the worthy divine 
 invariably finished aff his discoorse ; the douff, dull 
 soon' caused by the energetic steekin' o' the Beuk ; 
 the lood, discordant music o' nose-blawin' ; the 
 tappin' on sneeshin'-mull lids ; the simultaneous 
 up-sneerin' o' snuff through some fifty or saxty 
 nasal orifeeces, an' the general chorus o' sneezin' 
 that never failed to follow thereupon ; a' thae noisy 
 demonstrations, ordinarily hailed by me, wi' nae 
 common pleasure, as heralds o' a happy release 
 frae an intolerable infliction, fell that day on my 
 startled imagination wi' a dreed an' unwelcome 
 signeeficance. They warned me to prepare to tak' 
 a last fond look o' the slae-black een an' rosy 
 cheeks, for that I wad see them nae mair for a week 
 maybe no for a fortnicht ! 
 
 At the kirk skailin' I made a' haste to get oot, 
 if sae be I micht get near her ; for whan words are 
 forbidden, it is delightfu' even to rub claes wi' a 
 bein' beloved. In this projeck, hooever, I was 
 cruelly disappointit. Tibbie's seat bein' that be- 
 langin' to Burleyracket, whaur she was laundry- 
 maid, was nearer the door by a half-dizzen o' yards
 
 56 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 than the Buttonhole bucht This gied her the 
 start o' me. An' mair an' waur than that, there 
 were twa auld wives, clad frae tap to tae in lang 
 grey cloaks, wha got atween me an' my diveenity, 
 completely chockin' up the narrow passage, an' 
 thus arrestin' my door- ward career. "Sorra tak' 
 ye an' yer auld cloaks ! " thinks I to mysel', " can 
 ye no lat a body past ye ? " But feint ae fitstap 
 wad they budge oot o' their usual jog-trot. Na ; 
 they maun hae their cracks finished first. Ane o' 
 them has the rheumatics, an' hasna winkit an e'e for 
 twa nichts rinnin' wi't, an' that maun be discussed. 
 The ither tak's a flaffin' at the heart whan she 
 lies doon in bed, an' that maun be enlairged on. 
 Ane o' them suggests that mankind are but a set 
 o' puir feckless mortals at the best. 
 
 " Eh, ay, 'oman," says the ither, " especially, as 
 I was sayin' to Geordie the ither day, whan fouk 
 grow auld an' frail like you and me." 
 
 " Deed, ay, 'oman ! " was the sympathetic re- 
 sponse, " ye've said the truth, if ever ane said it, 
 an' whan the flaffins comes ower my heart, I'm 
 sometimes like to think I'll no live to see through 
 the winter, 'oman." 
 
 By the time I reached the door, Tibbie was 
 trippin' awa' doon the Kirk Loan, what she cud 
 bicker. A half-minute mair, an' she wad vanish 
 frae my sicht. My impatience refused ony langer 
 to be guidit by my better joodgment. The 
 ancient dames were juist on the threshold, dis- 
 cussin' the efficacy o' hartshorn an' swine's seam 
 as a cure for the rheumatics, whan I sprang forrit
 
 TIBBIE TURNS UP 57 
 
 atween them an' the door cheek, an' cleared the 
 kirk-yaird at a half dizzen o' spangs. Whan I 
 reached the ootside, it struck me very forcibly that 
 I heard a screed like the rivin' o' oo'en claith. On 
 reachin' the kirk style, I tane a keek ower my 
 shoother to see if I hadna dung onybody ower in 
 my flicht, whan I saw Geordie Mortclaith, the 
 beadle, comin' burstin' after me, wi' ane o' the 
 tails o' my spleet new sky-blue coat, wi' the clear 
 buttons, haudin' it up in his han', to the admiration 
 o' a' beholders ! 
 
 " Hoy, Tarn ! Stop stop min ! " cried the digger 
 o' graves, wi' a smirk o' sarcasm on his face. 
 " Dinna rin awa' an' leave yer coat-tail hingin' on 
 the sneck o' the kirk door ! Man, ye're a rammel- 
 some hallion. Ye've dung the win' oot o' thae 
 auld wives very naur." 
 
 I banged roon' my hand, an' lo, there was but 
 ae solitary swallowtail to the fore ! The ither ane 
 had pairtit company wi' the body exactly ower by 
 the sma' o' the back. 
 
 " To the mischief wi' ye're snecks ! " I exclaimed, 
 as Mortclaith haundit me the fragment o' my mis- 
 fortunate garment, " what gars ye hae cleuks o' 
 that kind aboot the tabernacle door?" 
 
 " Hoots, toots ! " said the sexton, " what gars ye 
 gallop sae fast? There's naething wrang wi' the 
 sneck, if fouk werna sae hellicat an' misleared. 
 Haigh, it'll maybe teach ye to jump an' flee at 
 leisure after this, lad. I sure ye, a bonnie lad ye 
 are, rinnin' an' kiltin' up yer lang souple teelyour 
 shanks, as gin the very deil were in ye ! "
 
 58 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 Had it no been the Sabbath day, an' me i' the 
 midst o' a multitude o' decent fouk, wha were 
 beginnin' to colleck aroon' an' admire my ri'en 
 coat, forbye that Mr. Gowlanthump an' the elder- 
 ship they bein' meantime i" the Session hoose 
 coontin' ower the offerin' micht put in appear- 
 ance withoot a moment's warnicement, I'se wager 
 ony money, Geordie Mortclaith sidna hae made 
 aff wi' himsel' withoot gettin' in's cheenge, as the 
 sayin' is. Scornin' to mak' a show o' mysel', hoo- 
 ever, I had juist to slink awa like an evil-doer, as 
 gin my nose had been bluidin'. 
 
 What a merciment it was that Tibbie was doon 
 the Loan afore me ! Had she gotten a glisk o' my 
 solitary swallowtail, wamflin' i' the win', never 
 mair cud I hae glowered her i' the face. 
 
 Aff I gaed doon the Loan, at a trottin' pace, 
 keepin' my een amo' my feet, bein' ower blate to 
 look upwith, an' tryin' if peradventure I cud single 
 oot amang the fitmarks in the gutters the prints 
 o' Tibbie's cuddie-heels ; for at that blessed moment 
 I felt as if I cud hae lain doon, on my bare knees, 
 an' kissed the very yird that had been hallow'd by 
 the touch o' her shoe-leather. 
 
 At the Loan-fit I cam' up wi' my bosom-freen', 
 Andra Sooter, wham I made privy to the mis- 
 chanter that had befa'en my coat. Layin' oor 
 brains a-steep, we sune fell upon a plan whaurby 
 my coat was transmogrifeed into the simeelitude o' a 
 jacket. At the lithe side o' a hay-sow, I cuist it 
 aff, an' flypit up the remainin' tail underneath, 
 fastenin' it to the neck linin' wi' a preen to prevent it
 
 TIBBIE TURNS UP 59 
 
 frae creepin' doon an' teflin' ony mair tales. Still, 
 whan I forgaithered wi' acquantances I was far 
 frae feelin' in a comfortable frame o' speerit. I had 
 an inward consciousness, as Mr. Gowlanthump wad 
 say, that something was far wrang wi' me, an' 
 therefore, like ane tormentit wi' a wauken con- 
 science, I imagined I saw the avenger o' bluid in 
 everybody I met. Wi' the view o' forgaitherin' wi' 
 as few fouk as possible, I left the hie road an' tane 
 through the fields, creepin' alang dyke-sides an' 
 through plantations like a fugiteeve an' a vagabon'. 
 
 On loupin' a feal-dyke into a bit clumpie o' trees, 
 within twa park-breeds o' Buttonhole, I was dumb- 
 foondert to find mysel' in the handy-grips o' the 
 Philistines ! Three weel-dressed, buirdly, resolute- 
 lookin' fallows, wha had been skuggin' ahent the 
 dyke, an' watchin' my suspeecious movements, jaump 
 up an' surroondit me. Ane o' them grippit me by 
 the cuff o' the neck (an' got's han' broddit wi' the 
 preen sair'd him richt!) anither ane clappit a 
 cockit pistol to my breist while the third slippit 
 a pair o' handcuffs upo' my shackle-banes ! 
 
 The haill business had been gane aboot in a 
 trice. There wasna time to speer what they meant 
 by siccan maisterfu' conduck towards the person 
 o' a puir 'prentice tailor, wha had never sae muckle 
 as hairmed a louse in his lifetime, except it micht 
 hae been dune accidentally, as it were, in the 
 pursuit o' his honest vocation.
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 
 A PROVIDENTIAL DELIVERANCE 
 
 AT first I was inclined to believe that, like 
 the man wha gaed doon frae Jerusalem to 
 Jericho, I had fa'en amang thieves. By-an'-by I 
 began to discover that my captors had a wonderfu' 
 respeck for law an' justice, though undootedly 
 in my case, their zeal wasna juist accordin' to 
 knowledge. Had they been the aweless an' lawless 
 vagabonds I tane them for, instead o' clappin' the 
 shangies on my shackle-banes, they wad hae begun 
 by knockin' oot my spunk, an' endit by sinkin' my 
 nakit corp intae a peat-hole, or by hingin' me up 
 to the brainch o' a tree by my grauvit, to gar folk 
 trow I had made awa wi' mysel'. Moreover, I 
 overheard the leader o' the gang takin' coonsel wi' 
 ane o' his subordinates, as to whether I sid be sent 
 awa' direck to St Andrews, or mairched aff in the 
 first instance to Burleyrackit, to be examined by 
 the laird, he bein' a Justice o' the Peace. I cud 
 gather, frae thae twa circumstances, that I had 
 been nabbit as a rogue, though what I had dune 
 to offend the majesty o' the law I cudna divine. I 
 had tint my coat-tail, nae doot, but the coat was 
 
 60
 
 A PROVIDENTIAL DELIVERANCE 61 
 
 my ain, an' though I had, for decency's sake, con- 
 vertit it into a jacket for the time bein', that was 
 nane o' their business. 
 
 " Gentlemen," I ventured to stammer oot, my 
 teeth rattlin' i' my head vvi' fricht at the soon' o' 
 my ain voice, " wherefore hae ye the assurance to 
 mak' a capteeve o' me, as gin I were naething better 
 nor a thief, or something waur ? " 
 
 " You will find that out presently, my fine fellow 
 but meanwhile you keep your mouth shut, else 
 it may be the worse for you," replied the head 
 man, wha, frae his tongue, appeared to be an 
 Englisher. 
 
 Afore I cud utter a word in my ain behalf, the 
 chield wha had claught me by the cuff o' the neck, 
 began to waidge his steekit neive close to my nose, 
 an' yelled oot, " Weisht, ye teevil's puckie ! an' no 
 pe speakin' pack till ta Supperfysore, nelse she'll 
 pe oblige to broke ta nose affen yer face sure's 
 teath she will ! Humph ! ta muckle filthy smug- 
 glin' loon-lookin' fallow that she is ! " 
 
 " That's your ticket, M'Donald 1 " cried the super- 
 visor, weel pleased wi' the zeal o' his subordinate. 
 " Keep him quiet there, Sullivan, will ye ? " he 
 continued, turning roon' to the fallow wha had 
 slippit the shangies on my shackle-banes, an' wha 
 had the unmistak'able pug nose o' the Emerald 
 Isle. " You get those here barrels of brandy con- 
 veyed to St. Andrews, where you'll report the 
 seizure, and say that M'Donald and I will follow 
 with the prisoner as soon as we have taken his 
 deposition before Nicholas Bowman, Esquire, of
 
 62 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 Burleyrackit, one of His Majesty's Justices of the 
 Peace in these parts." 
 
 " Faix, Misther Buggins, and it's that same I'll 
 do wid all me heart and sowl," replied Sullivan, 
 touchin' his hat ; " but, oich, yer honour, it's mighty 
 dhry I am, and sure a gintleman like yersilf 
 wouldn't nohow be afther grudgin' me a blessed 
 dhrop ov that same brandy, afore I sets out on 
 sich a divil ov a journey on this cowld day ? " 
 
 " Sullivan," said Buggins, wi' an airch twinkle in 
 his little grey een, " thou'rt an honest fellow ; but 
 look 'ee here, sirrah, that tarnation thirst of thine 
 will be thy death some of these days, if thou 
 repent not, and betake thyself to water, like a good 
 Nazarite. Howsoever, thy request shall be granted 
 thee. M'Donald, hand me that gimlet of yours, 
 and you, Sullivan, bring forth one of those barrels." 
 
 Sullivan didna need twa tellin's to do that, an' 
 sae, divin' into the heart o' a big broom cowe near 
 bye, he drew therefrae a brandy keg that wad 
 haud maybe a gallon an' a half o' liquor. This 
 he sets doon on the dyke-head, while Mr. Buggins 
 proceeds to pierce it wi' the gimlet. 
 
 " Now, Sullivan," said Buggins, " you'll have the 
 goodness to control your ravenous appetite till 
 your betters have been served ; " an' sae sayin', he 
 clappit his mooth to the gimlet hole, an' sookit 
 like a horse-gelly. 
 
 " Prime liquor ! " he remarkit, smackin' his lips, 
 an' dichtin' them wi' the sleeve o's coat. " Now 
 then, Sullivan, lad, apply your gob like a brick ; 
 but not too much of a good thing, look 'ee four
 
 A PROVIDENTIAL DELIVERANCE 63 
 
 mouthfuls, and not a blessed dhrop more d'ye 
 hear?" 
 
 " Ay, ay, yer honour," replied Sullivan, like to 
 winy himsel' wi' the desperate efforts he was puttin' 
 furth to mak' the four moothfu's as big as a dizzen. 
 
 " Sorra rive her greedy wame ! " cried M'Donald, 
 whase teeth had been waterin' while Buggins and 
 Sullivan were layin' their lugs amang the liquor, 
 "but her nainsell maun hae a bit toothfu' tae, to 
 mak' us a' neibor-like. The ne'er-be-lickit will she 
 hae tastit sin' Friday was a week." 
 
 " Surely, M'Donald surely ! " said Buggins, grip- 
 pin' me by the cuff o' the neck, while the drouthy 
 Celt was weetin's whistle " but look'ee, M'Donald, 
 only four pulls, d'ye hear ? " 
 
 " Four sooks ! haigh, that'll be ae half-mutchkin, 
 at onyrate ! " observed the Gael, blawin' oot his 
 skinny chafts like the snotter o' an angry bubbly- 
 jock. " Weel, she's a sup guid drink," he continued, 
 after he had ta'en his pennyworths o't " but she 
 wadna gie a gless o' ta guid Ferintosh or Glenlivat 
 wi' a flan o' peat-reek in't, for a' yer far awa' stuffs, 
 that she wad no, Mr. Buggins." 
 
 While the three excisemen for gaugers I guessed 
 them to be, frae their walk an' conversation were 
 thus moistifyin' their leather, I stood bye like a 
 pair o' weet breeks, hingin' doon my lugs, an' 
 hardly daurin' to look upwith. The truth began 
 to creep in upon me by degrees, an' belyve I saw 
 that I had been nabbit on suspeecion o' bein' a 
 smuggler. Some days afore this a Dutch schooner 
 had landit a cargo o' brandy, an' tobacco, under
 
 64 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 clud o' nicht, at the Auld Haiks, an' had gotten aff 
 haill scart, although there was a revenue cutter 
 cruisin' aboot, aff the East Neuk. The authorities 
 were clean red-\vud \vi' anger at bein' sae cleverly 
 ta'en in by the Dutchmen, an' left nae stane 
 unturned to fin' oot the loons vvha had received 
 the unleisum stoutherie. 
 
 The gauger-tribe were fleein' hither an' thither 
 like bumbees roon' a buss o' withered carl-doddies, 
 seekin' for hinny, an' findin' nane. At length their 
 zeal had been rewardit by the discovery o' that 
 hochie o' brandy stowed awa' in the broom-buss, 
 an' seein' me creepin' through the fields like a 
 ne'er-do-weel, they naterally concludit that I was 
 the owner o't, the mair sae that, by some unlucky 
 chance or ither, I happened to loup the dyke pre- 
 ceesely ower forgainst the spot whaur the smuggled 
 liquor had been hidden. 
 
 " Now then, M'Donald, take care of your man, 
 look 'ee, and don't let him escape," said Buggins, 
 after he had laid doon to Sullivan his final instruc- 
 tions as to the report he was to lodge wi' the 
 authorities in St. Andrews. 
 
 " That she will," returned the Hielanman, grip- 
 pin' me mair siccarly by the cuff o' the neck than 
 ever, "Oich, she maun pe mair soupler than ta 
 fery deil, gin her nainsel' bena ta match for her on 
 her nain twa feet." 
 
 " Then, ho for Burleyrackit ! " exclaimed Buggins, 
 loupin' the dyke, an' whistlin' a cheery spring till 
 himsel', juist as gin it had been perfectly lawfu' for 
 him to do sae on the Sabbath day !
 
 A PROVIDENTIAL DELIVERANCE 65 
 
 A bonny Sabbath day's wark, thinks I ; but a 
 single cheep aboon my breath I durstna utter, for 
 Buggins keepit close by my side, wi' a cockit pistol 
 in his neive, ready to blaw oot my harns at a 
 moment's notice, gin I had daured to show the 
 slichtest inclination to turn camsteerie on their 
 han's. Never in a' my life had I felt mysel' sae 
 sma' an' helpless as whan thae menseless fallows 
 had me i' their handy-grips. Yet, amid a' my 
 treebilation, the idea that I was free o' the crime 
 laid to my chairge was a soorce o' nae sma' com- 
 fort to me, an' I didna doot that Providence wad, 
 in the lang rin, open up for me a door o' escape 
 frae the hoose o' bondage. 
 
 Mr. Buggins, hooever, wad hae conferred a lastin' 
 obligation on me had he sent me aff to Botany 
 Bay at aince, raither than to Burleyrackit, for 
 gang there we cudna withoot Tibbie Monypenny 
 beholdin' me in my forlorn condition. What cud 
 she think, seein' the company I was in, but that I 
 was naething but a ne'er-do-weel, whase craig wad 
 yet be encompassed by a hempen grawvit ? My 
 torn coat, too, wad, dootless, prove a ferlie to the 
 guid fouk o' Burleyrackit, for my captors, in rypin' 
 me for treasonable correspondence, (though the 
 only thing o' the kind they fell in wi' was my red- 
 skinned pocket Bible), had laid their clutches on 
 the solitary swallow tail, an' this they very con- 
 siderately restored to its proper pendant condition. 
 
 The Laird o' Burleyrackit, afore whase tribunal 
 I was shortly to tremble, was notorious ower a' 
 the East Neuk, baith for his wickedness as a man 
 
 5
 
 66 
 
 an' his cruelty as a magistrate. His faither, auld 
 Deacon Bowman o' Crail, it was weel kent had 
 feathered his nest by dealin' in smuggled guids. 
 By this means he had been enabled to gie his only 
 son a college education, an' sae qualifeed him for 
 the snug sitiwation in India that the Deacon had 
 got the promise o', for gi'ein' his vote contrary to 
 soul an' conscience, at a contestit Parliamentary 
 election. 
 
 Mr. Nicholas Bowman sune made a man o' him- 
 seP amang the 
 
 " Black Gentoos and Pagan Turks." 
 
 In a year or twa, word cam' hame that he had 
 marriet the heiress o' a Bengal Nabob, ca'd Rama- 
 grumphy, wha was reputit to be as rich as the Bank, 
 an' as black as the ace o' spades. Accoonts cam' 
 hame belyvethathe had scraipit thegither a' his wife's 
 bawbees, an' made a moonlicht flittin', leavin' the 
 unfortunate black-a-moor quean broken-heartit, an' 
 as puir as Lazarus. Some fouk didna stick to say 
 that he had even gane the length o' makin' awa' 
 wi' his black-a-viced wife an' innocent bairnies, 
 by flingin' them into a draw well. Although there 
 may hae been nae grunds for sic a story, yet, sin' 
 the best o' men are liable to be leed on, it need be 
 nae wonder gin the warst o' them sid hae their evil 
 deeds ca'd waur than they are. Innocent or no 
 innocent o' that parteek'lar crime, hooever, he had 
 mony sma'er anes to accoont for. 
 
 On his return frae India, Nick Bowman coft the 
 estate o' Burleyrackit, biggit a braw hoose on't fit
 
 A PROVIDENTIAL DELIVERANCE 67 
 
 for a prince to live in, marriet a grand English 
 leddy, an' drave aboot the kintra side in a twa- 
 horse coach, like a perfect madman. At little or 
 nae offence, he wad bleeze up like a whun-cowe 
 an' swear like a dragoon. Indeed, whan he got 
 intil's high keys, he didna stick even to send the 
 Rev. Gabriel Gowlanthump to the 111 Place, withoot 
 the sma'est ceremony. Never was he kent to enter 
 a kirk door frae the ae year's end to the ither. The 
 haill Sabbath-day lang he wad sit up at hame wi' 
 a curn mair fallows like himsel' drinkin', helter- 
 skelter, playin' at cairts, an' defilin' himsel' wi' 
 every kin-kind o' abomination. In fack, he was 
 naething better than a pagan. Him a Justice o' 
 the Peace ! Had he been as puir as mony ane, he 
 wad hae been less thocht o', maybe 
 
 " But money mak's the mare to go, 
 Whether she has a tail or no." 
 
 Whan we arrived at Burleyrackit, we faun' the 
 laird an' twa o' his drucken cronies Sabbath 
 day although it was on the green in front o' the 
 hoose wi' their coats casten divertin' themsel's wi' 
 flingin' the hammer, an' puttin' the stane guid 
 auld Scottish games, baith o' them, nae doot, but 
 no a kind o' wark for ony Christian man to be 
 employed at on the Day o' Rest. The laird an' 
 Supervisor Buggins were nae strangers to ane 
 an ither. Mony a bottle o' champagne they had 
 toomed atween them, an' never did they forgaither 
 withoot ha'en a bout at wrestlin', boxin', rinnin', or 
 loupin' ower yetts an' dyke-heads.
 
 68 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 " Hulloa, Buggins ! " yelled the laird, as we 
 mairched up the avenue to whaur the sports were 
 gaen on, " Caught one of those fellows, at last 
 eh?" 
 
 " Yes, yer honour in the very act too," replied 
 Buggins. 
 
 " Well, Buggins, we'll take care of him won't 
 we ! But suppose in the first place we have a 
 game or two, all of us together, and then to 
 business ? Won't that do eh ? " 
 
 " Agreed, agreed," cried Buggins, " but the 
 prisoner what shall we do with him meanwhile ? " 
 
 " Oh, the prisoner ! " said the Justice. " This 
 way with him, gentlemen, and I'll make him snug 
 enough no fear of that ! " 
 
 Sae they harled me awa' to a laigh bit hoosie that 
 stood nearbye amang the trees. They stappit me 
 intil't juist as gin I had been a brute beast, takin' 
 special guid care, ere they left me, to thraw the 
 key i' the door. 
 
 In my prison-hoose there were a big boiler an' 
 sundry washin' tubs. The laundry, by jingo ! 
 Tibbie's warkshop ! The shrine o' my heart's idol ! 
 Oh, that she had been there to cheer me wi' her 
 presence ! I imagined that I beheld her slae-black 
 een an' rosy cheeks, an' the thocht soothed the 
 agony o' my capteevity, and cheered my droopin' 
 heart. 
 
 For some time I cud hear the shouts an' aiths 
 o' the gamesters ootside. Belyve the profane 
 clamour ceased, hooever, an' save the whistlin' o' 
 a solitary shilfa on the lum-head, or the occasional
 
 A PROVIDENTIAL DELIVERANCE 69 
 
 howl o' a hungry hound i' the kennel close bye, 
 not a soon' was to be heard. 
 
 By-an'-by it fell doon pick mirk, an' what wi' 
 the silence the darkness the certain prospeck o' 
 a fearfu' ordeal afore my han', an' the present pangs 
 o' a hungry wame for meat hadna crossed my 
 craig sin' brakfast time I was truly in a condition 
 as pitifu' as ever fell to the lot o' an innocent man. 
 
 I cudna think eneugh o' them leavin' me sae 
 lang in a state o' thraldom. The reason, as I sus- 
 peckit at the time, an' faun' oot to be a certainty 
 afterwards, was this : Tirin' o' their gamblin', the 
 laird an' his cronies had gane in to denner, an' 
 forgotten a' aboot me bein' i' the washin'-hoose. 
 They yokit to the toddy i' the lang-run, an' held 
 the puddin' reekin' till it was far into the sma' oors 
 o' the mornin', an' them a' as blin' as bats, an' as 
 fou as the Baltic. 
 
 I had been some oors in utter darkness, an' utter 
 silence too, save for the squeekin' o' mice an' rottans 
 i' the crap-wa'. At last I hears the soond o' a fit 
 ootside! Noo, thinks I, here comes my death- 
 warrant! A cauld shiver cam' ower me, an' my 
 heart "gaed dunt upon dunt," like auld Knappy 
 Mill's whan 
 
 " He thocht that the soun' o' the happer 
 
 Cried, ' Tak' hame a wee flou to yer wife, 
 To help to mak' brose t' yer supper.'" 
 
 Moved by an instinct o' self-preservation, I crap 
 awa into a hidie-hole, ahent the boiler, an' sat doon 
 on a dail that happened to be lyin' across the mou'
 
 70 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 o' a kimmen. Juist as I had sitten doon, the key 
 turned i' the lock, an' back gaed the door to the 
 vva'. In trippit wha wad ye think ? the laird ? 
 Buggins ? M'Donald ? na ! but juist Tibbie 
 Monypenny ! In the ae oxter she carried a horn 
 lantirn, an' i' the ither a wisp o' shavins, to licht 
 the boiler fire wi'. Wi' a prudent forethocht that 
 has never desertit her through life, she was settin' 
 aboot makin' preparations for the great annual 
 lustration o' the family linens, for next day she was 
 to hae her boukin' washin'. 
 
 As she stappit ower the door-stane, the licht o' 
 the cawnel fell upon her face and revealed to my 
 bewildered gaze the sparklin' lustre o' her slae- 
 black een, the youthfu' dimples on her rosy cheeks, 
 an' the temptin' sweetness o' her cherry mou'. My 
 heart, that had erstwhile been duntin' for fear, began 
 noo to be affeckit by a mair pleasin' sensation. It 
 gaed a' aglow juist like a lowin' coal, an', but for 
 the gyves on my wrists, an' the perilousness, no to 
 say the disgracefu'ness o' my sitiwation, I wad un- 
 dootedly hae sprung forrit, flung my airms roun' 
 her snaw-white neck, an' kissed her sweet facie a' 
 ower, frae the chirl on her wee bit chin, to the very 
 roots o' her raven hair. Had I been the menseless 
 vagabond that the gauger clanjamphery tane me 
 for, I wad hae seized advantage o' the open door, 
 an' made aff wi' mysel'. But na, na ; Tibbie's 
 weel-faured face nailed me to the spot. I was 
 fascinated spellbound, 
 
 "And I that moment could not see, 
 I was the mate o' misery.' 1
 
 A PROVIDENTIAL DELIVERANCE 71 
 
 For twa or three minutes I had sitten in a sort 
 o' ecstacy, watchin' i' the licht o' the lantirn the 
 lovely appareetion flittin' aboot sylph-like frae ae 
 job till anither, whan first a lood crack, an' syne a 
 plunge, waukent baith Tibbie an' me frae oor 
 respeckteeve reveries. 
 
 " Gude be wi' us ! " cried Tibbie, an' flew to the 
 door, dingin' ower the lantirn in her hurry, an' 
 leavin' me aince mair in utter darkness. 
 
 The crack that had startled her was due to the 
 breakage o' the dail I was sittin' on. The plunge 
 that followed arose frae my hinder quarters settlin' 
 violently doon into the kimmen amang the boukin' 
 graith, that Tibbie had been in the wey o' collectin' 
 frae the coo-byre, an' whaurin she was aboot to lay 
 the dirty duds asteep. 
 
 Puir quean ! Tibbie had run awa' wi' the notion 
 that the place was hauntit by some ghaist or gyr- 
 carlin'. Muckle though I was grienin' for a crack 
 wi' her, yet, a' thing considered, I concludit it wad 
 be as weel to lat her be stappin' wi' that notion for 
 the time bein', an' lippen to Providence to provide 
 us wi' a mair propeetious beginnin' o' oor coortship 
 at some future opportunity. 
 
 My prison door bein' left ajee, the thocht struck 
 me belyve that it wad be my duty to withdraw to 
 mair comfortable quarters. This I cud do wi' a 
 clear conscience, seein' I had been wrangously 
 ta'en captive, an' keepit in ward contrairy to the 
 law o' habeas corpus. As for the bits o' hand-cuffs, 
 it wad be less my faut than my misfortune, gin the 
 gaugers ever saw hilt or hair o' them again.
 
 72 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 Slippin' my wa's oot on my tiptaes, like a cat on 
 a hct girdle, an' keepin' an e'e f my neck, like a 
 tod gaun to rob a hen-roost, I tane to the fields an' 
 the untrodden solitude o' the wuds, shapin' my 
 coorse by the shortest cuts for Buttonhole, whaur 
 there had been great consternation an' searchin's o' 
 heart by reason o' my unaccoontable an' mysterious 
 disappearance. 
 
 My faither had been ower-bye at Snipemire, 
 speerin' at Andra Sooter if he had seen or heard o' 
 me on the road frae the kirk. Andra had tauld 
 him hoo I had misgoogled the tail o' my coat, an" 
 the general conclusion arrived at was that, frich- 
 tened to shaw face at Buttonhole, I had either 
 drooned mysel 1 or run awa to the sojers. My 
 faither had juist returned to Buttonhole, bringin' 
 the Snipemire fouk alang wi' him, to assist him in 
 searchin' for my dead body. My mither, sabbin' 
 like to brak her heart wi' grief, was in the act o' 
 puttin' a lichtit cruizie into the lantirn to lat them 
 see to search for my remains, whan in I stappit a 
 welcome sicht to the haill lot o' them, especially to 
 my pawrents, wha had gi'en me up for lost. 
 
 As sune's she cuist her een on me, my mither, 
 flingin' doon the cruizie in the ase-hole, threw her 
 arms roon' my neck, an' cried oot, " Oh, Tammy, 
 my bairn ! what's come ower ye, that ye've been 
 sae lang o' comin' ! I dreed sair ye've been at nae 
 guid!" 
 
 " Guid have a care o's a', Tarn ! " exclaimed my 
 faither, gettin' a glisk o' the shangies on my 
 shacklebanes. "Whaur hoo what, in the name
 
 A PROVIDENTIAL DELIVERANCE 73 
 
 o' wonder, is the meanin' o' thae loon-lookin' 
 things ye've gotten yer hands intil ? " 
 
 " Na, ye ken, faither ! " cried little Jock, my 
 younger brither, wha had been takin' a back ob- 
 servation o' my person, " that cows the gowan ! 
 Look here juist ! " 
 
 " Dear me, laddie ! " said my faither, inspectin' 
 my solitary swallow-tail, " but ye maun either hae 
 been i' the coo-byre or the muck-midden." 
 
 Sae, to satisfy their curiosity, I had to lay doon 
 a parteek'lar narration o' a' that had passed 
 atweesh the gaugers an' me, an' a' that I had gane 
 through on that eventfu' afternoon an e'enin'. 
 
 My accoont o' the unchristian treatment I had 
 tholed at the hands o' the gaugers made my faither 
 that he was neither to haud nor bind. He actually 
 swore a solemn aith, there an' than, that gin ever 
 they cam' in his gait he wad gie them up their fit, 
 for daurin' to misguide a bairn o' his as they had 
 misguidit me. 
 
 But hoo to get the shangies aff my shaklebanes 
 was the next question. My faither tried to prise 
 them sindry wi' the poker. Havin' failed in that, 
 he next yokit to them wi' a hammer, an yarkit 
 at them till my airms were dirlin' up to the very 
 shoother-blades, but a' to nae purpose. Neither 
 pokin' nor knockin' wad gar them lat gae their 
 grups. The warst o't a' was that my ri'en coat 
 cudna be ta'en aff, till my hands had been freed 
 frae the yoke o' bondage. The only feasible plan 
 was for me to stap ower-bye to Scouriebrae, late 
 an' the Lord's day nicht though it was, an' get
 
 74 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 Saunders Reekie, wha was Auntie Chirstie's guid- 
 faither, to exerceese his handy-craft on them. 
 After hearin' a' my story, Saunders tane me into 
 the smiddy, fastened the shangies into the vice, an' 
 filed them aff as clean as a leek. 
 
 A blither man than me, whan I had recovered 
 the use o' my hands, wasna in a' the East Neuk o' 
 Fife as that nicht gaed ; but frae that day till this 
 I've had nae love for the gauger fraternity, an' but 
 unco little respeck for " Justices' Justice."
 
 CHAPTER VIII 
 
 CALF-LOVE AND PHYSIC 
 
 LOVE ! that was a new sensation to me ! Nae 
 doot, frae the Sang o' Solomon, an' ither 
 soorces o' information, I had learned, amaist as 
 sune as I cud gang my lane, that there was sic a 
 thing i' the warld, an' that in its mair pooerfu' 
 developments it was prone to beget heart-disease, 
 an' to gar fouk do an' say unco queer an' stupid 
 things, especially whan the mune was at the height. 
 But never, never until my een beheld the blithesome 
 blink o' Tibbie Monypenny, did I realise the sair 
 pangs they maun thole wha are doomed to gang 
 aboot their daily duties wi' the haill contents o' 
 Cupid's quiver stickin' i' their gebbies. My sang ! 
 it is ae thing to read about love in novells an' 
 poetry beuks, but whan it yokes to gnaw, gnawin' 
 at yer heart like a moose at a bit toastit cheese, it 
 lats ye ken anither o't ! 
 
 I hadna been in love aucht an' forty oors afore its 
 effecks began to manifest themsel's in my person an' 
 behaviour. I gaed clean aff my meat, for ae thing, 
 an' that tune mak's a fell alteration, especially 
 on young fouk wha are naterally fashed wi' a 
 
 75
 
 76 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 ravenous appetite, as I was at that period o' my 
 life. The love-fever crap up belyve frae the stam- 
 mack to the brain. I gaed aboot the hoose like 
 ane daivert an' doitert, wi' my hands i' my pouches, 
 an' my een fixed on the floor, as gin I had been 
 lookin' for needles. Noo an' than a heavy sich 
 wad bubble up frae the pit o' my stammack. 
 Whan spoken till, I wad mak' the daftest like 
 replies clean contrairy to what they sid hae been. 
 I'm no sure but that a wheen tears sprang up in 
 secret i' the wicks o' my een. Aince I'm certain 
 they did, an' that was ae nicht whan Patie Baisler 
 cam' in an' began a lang palaver aboot the dandy 
 new servant lass at Burleyrackit, an' hoo she had 
 been seen hingin' ower the bleachin'-green stile 
 crackin' wi' the coachman, an' hoo the twasome 
 seemed as gin they were curdooin' wi' ane anither. 
 Ah ! I had aye a dridder that there micht be 
 something o' that kind gaun on. I was in despair ! 
 
 That nicht sleep forsook my pillow. Neist 
 mornin' I misgoogled Patie's corduroy slacks, by 
 cuttin' the legs o' them a hand-breed ower short. 
 Though I had been trokin' awa i' the cuttin' 
 depairtment for maybe auchteen months, an' had 
 driven my sheers through nae that little claith in 
 that time, yet never afore had I played sic a pliskie. 
 It wasna the loss o' the claith a' thegither that 
 troubled my faither, but it was sae daft-like, that it 
 garred him tine confidence in my joodgment for a 
 week or twa. 
 
 My mither, wi' the inborn sagaucity o 1 her sex, 
 sune saw there was something wrang wi' me
 
 CALF-LOVE AND PHYSIC 77 
 
 What it was, an' whether the malady was mental 
 or physical, she cudna tell, nor did I venture to 
 enlichten her on the subjeck. Had Mrs. William- 
 son been still to the fore, she wad hae been ca'd 
 in to exerceese her skill on the case. But wow, 
 alas ! Geordie Mortclaith had gi'en her head the 
 hin'most clap, lang, lang ere I had begun to handle 
 a needle, lat-a-be losin' my appetite, an' brakin' 
 my heart aboot the lasses. 
 
 Under the impression that my stammack was 
 oot o' order for I had complained o' the heart- 
 burn an' she had seen me tak' a turn o' the water- 
 brash ae day, after suppin' sowens an' soor milk 
 to my denner my mither wad hae me to swallow 
 a dose o' salts an' senna. Puir bodie, little did she 
 ken my malady sprang frae causes that physic 
 cudna reach ! Hoosomever, physic bit to be had, 
 an' sae, juist on the back o' four-oors time, she 
 brews a browst o' black-lookin' graith, that had 
 an' unco ill smell, an' a waur taste, an' I'm ordered 
 to drink it aff. 
 
 Muckle though I respeckit her authority for 
 ordinar', I maun say I felt a strong repugnance to 
 gang through this ugsome ordeal, for brawlie did I 
 ken that the complent didna lie i' the stammack ava, 
 but in a mair vital organ an inch or twa farther up 
 in my thorax. Doctors' drogs I had aye abhorred ; 
 the very thocht o' them garred me grue. I glowered 
 first at the unsavoury potion, an' syne at my 
 mither, wi' a very crabbit coontenance I dinna 
 doot. 
 
 " Come, come noo, Tarn that's aye your wey,"
 
 78 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 exclaimed mither, stirrin' up my falterin' resolution. 
 " Aff wi' them at aince, an' ye'll never ken they've 
 been i' yer mooth. See there's a wee harlie o' 
 sugar to put i' yer gab after them." 
 
 " Juist enoo, mither," I replied. " I'se coont a 
 hunder the back'art gait an' syne drink up the soss." 
 
 The honest woman havin' stappit ben the hoose 
 for a minute, I banged up the potion in a state o' 
 desperation, ran into the pantry, an' garred it play 
 clash into what, in the dark, I tane to be a kettle 
 wi' swine's meat in't, but what I faund oot afore 
 lang to hae been half-fou' o' whey. 
 
 By the time she cam' back, I was dancin' aboot 
 i' the floor, stuffin' my mou' wi' the sugar, gruein', 
 an' feighin', an' shylin' my charts like mad, an' 
 a' to gar her trow that the ugsome compound 
 had actually gane ower my throat. The ruze was 
 eminently successfu', an' I had the satisfaction o' 
 hearin' a warm eulogium pronounced on me for 
 takin' the dose sae clean oot. 
 
 That nicht we had whey-brose to oor supper, 
 but my appetite no bein' very gleg, I refused to 
 partake o't, an' my mither, kennin' I was under 
 medical treatment, didna press me. The first sup 
 my faither put intil's mou 1 , he sat dernin' for some- 
 time, turn in' the spoonfu' roon' frae the ae cheek 
 to the ither, as if in twa minds what to do wi't, 
 an' at last he garred it play skyte into the ase-holc. 
 
 " What's wrang wi' ye, Tammas ? " inquired my 
 mither. 
 
 u Naething wrang wi' me," he replied, liftin' up the 
 timmer caup to his nose, an' snuffin' at its contents
 
 CALF-LOVE AND PHYSIC 79 
 
 wi' a suspeecious snirk, "but there is something 
 very far wrang wi' the brose, Effie, soot amang 
 them, I'm thinkin', or some ither confoondit waugh- 
 tastit graith. The very smell o' them's like to turn 
 my stammack." 
 
 " Hout na, Tammas," said she, " that's a mere 
 haiver surely, for they were a' made oot o' ae meal 
 pock, an' a' oot o' ae whey guid, fresh whey it 
 was too, juist aff this mornin's 'earnin', an' it was 
 never oot o' the pantry till it was put on the fire 
 no aboon half an oor syne." 
 
 " That may be sae," replied my faither ; " but 
 onyhoo, anither spoonfu' o' them sanna enter my 
 lips." 
 
 Jock an' Chirstie, seein' my faither fling doon his 
 spoon, flang doon theirs too, an' sae there was a 
 general rebellion against the brose. 
 
 " 'Deed ye're a' ower nice to please," said my 
 mither, gi'en' her head a fling. " There's mony 
 hunder head o' puir things i' thae dear times, whan 
 a sackfu' o' aitmeal in a pairish is a sicht for sair 
 een, wha wad think themsel's feastit like princes 
 on your leavin's. Hand me the plate, Tammas, 
 an' r\\ sup the brose." 
 
 My mither cud thole ony thing amaist, but to 
 hae her cookery ca'd in question. Gin the kail was 
 fund faut wi' for bein' ower saut, she was sure to 
 pronounce them ower wersh. What the rest o' the 
 hoosehold declared unpalatable, she wad eat wi' 
 mair than ordinary voracity, declarin' a' the time 
 that it was capital, excellent, an' that she wad do 
 hersel' ill wi"t, she was sae michty fond o't.
 
 8o TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 Of coorse, the whey-brose was perfection better 
 never was made in braid Scotland. Afore she 
 ca'd a halt, she actually cleared oot my faither's 
 platefu' an' her ain, an' wad hae gane still greater 
 lengths, tak' her word for't, had she no been fearfu' 
 o ower-loadin' her stammack. I sat watchin' her 
 movements, an' though she was enlairgin' eloquently 
 on the virtues o' the brose, I cud easily see by the 
 wey she was grindin' them atween her teeth, an' by 
 sundry facial contortions that it was forced wark 
 wi' her to put them ower ava. An' nae wonder 
 either, seein' they had gotten sic a dose o' my 
 salts an' senna ! 
 
 Saturday cam' roon' whan Mr. Gowlanthump's 
 knee-breeks, that we had been repairin' on the seat, 
 were to be sent to the manse. As it was thocht 
 that a moothfu' o' caller air micht do me guid the 
 salts an' senna havin' had nae teffect I was paddit 
 aff wi' them a wee afore the gloamin'. I had 
 fulfilled my mission, an' was stappin' hameward 
 musin' on a certain pair o' slae-black een an' rosy 
 cheeks, whan I was waukened frae my broon study 
 by hearin' a bit hoast ahent me on the road. By 
 this time the gloamin' had meltit into darkness, 
 though there was still some styme o' licht, for the 
 new mune, shapen like a heuk, was hingin' i' the 
 wastern firmament, an' castin" a " silvery licht on 
 tower an' tree." 
 
 I had juist passed the Horse Shoe Inn at the 
 Kirktown, whaur I had excheenged salutations wi' 
 Mrs. Snifters, wha was stannin' atween the door 
 cheeks wi' her twa nieves plantit on her buirdly
 
 CALF-LOVE AND PHYSIC 81 
 
 hainches, whan I heard that hoast I gied a 
 glower ower my shoother to see whaur it cud be 
 comin' frae. There, trippin' lichtly towards me, 
 I beheld a bein' wha, at the first glisk I got o' 'er 
 seemed to me to be an inhabitant o' Paradise that 
 had wandered awa on some errand o' mercy, an' 
 tint hersel'. On a closer inspection she proved to 
 be a mortal like mysel', wi' a greybeard fu' o' 
 whisky wainglin' on her airm. The greybeard 
 was a sure mark that she didna belang to the ither 
 warl', an' I was determined gin it were within the 
 boonds o' possibeelity, to fin' oot what pairt o' this 
 ane she belanged till. 
 
 " Guid e'en ! " said I, as she cam' up to me. 
 
 " Guid e'en ! " she replied. 
 
 " Hae ye far to gang this gait? " said I. 
 
 " To Burleyrackit," was her answer. 
 
 My heart lap up to my very mou' ! Cud it be 
 possible that this was Tibbie Monypenny? Ay, 
 the very same ! I had heard her utter but four 
 words afore, an' that was i' the washin' hoose, whan 
 the dail brak' an' I landit up to the waist amang 
 the boukin' graith. The tones were the same, only 
 the " Gude be wi' us " o' the washin'-hoose, uttered 
 under the influence o' a momentary fricht, lacked 
 the dulcet saftness o' her " guid e'en " on this mair 
 auspeecious occasion. As she wore a red cloak wi' 
 the hood drawn doon ower her chowks, I had some 
 diffeeculty in gettin' a proper vizzie o' her face, 
 but I saw an' heard eneugh to satisfee me that I 
 was really an' truly in the presence o' the bein' 
 wha had been the mean, unbekent to her, puir 
 
 6
 
 82 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 quean, o' bringin' sae mony mischanters upon me, 
 but wham a kind Providence, I didna doot, had 
 thrown in my gait that nicht for the wisest an' best 
 o' purposes. 
 
 After gettin' the better o' the first effecks o' the 
 violent agitation produced on my frame, by the 
 discovery that my fallow-traveller was nane ither 
 than the owner o' the slae-black een that had sae 
 completely pierced " my bosom's core," I ventured 
 aince mair to address her, an' says I, " Are ye no 
 feared, my woman, to gang through thae dismal- 
 lookin' wuds yer liefu' lane under clud o' nicht? 
 Last winter nae far'rer gane an' on juist sic 
 anither nicht as this, a puir man an English 
 traveller was rubbit o' twa hunder pounds forrit 
 here a bittie, an' had nearly the breath o' life 
 knockit oot o' him." 
 
 " Indeed, they're eerie-lookin' wuds thae," said 
 she, an' she creepit nearer to my side as she said 
 sae, " but is there ony wey o' gaen to Burleyrackit 
 withoot gaen past that place ? " 
 
 "Maybe ye wadna mind though I gaed a' the 
 gait wi' ye wad ye?" said I, wi' falterin' voice, for 
 I had mind o' what Patie Baisler had said aboot the 
 coachman an' her, an' I wasna sure but there micht 
 hae been a tryste atween the twa o' them that 
 nicht. In that case, of coorse, my puir services 
 wad hae been declined wi' thanks. 
 
 " Ou, na," said she, " I wad be richt blithe o' yer 
 company, ye ken, but I cudna think o' takin' ye 
 sae far aff yer road unless ye be gaen my gait 
 onywey."
 
 CALF-LOVE AND PHYSIC 83 
 
 " Weel, than, I'm juist gaen your gait onywey," 
 said I, though in sayin' sae, I doot, I was sklentin' 
 awee thocht, " an' an' ye'll juist lat me cairry that 
 greybeard, too, for I see ye're gettin' tired o't" 
 
 Sae she handit me the greybeard, an' we grew 
 belyve to be " unco pack an' thick thegither." I 
 was pleased to learn frae her speech an' behaviour 
 that she was a gleg, frank, ootspoken dame, wha 
 had a mind o' her ain aboot a hantle o' things, an' 
 didna' tak' water in her teeth to say what she 
 thocht. 
 
 It wad be teedisome to relate a' that passed in 
 the delichtfu' corrieneuchin' we held atvveen us, on 
 oor way to Burleyrackit, But I may mention that 
 I gleaned a curn items o' information that were to 
 me o' surpassin' interest 
 
 First an' foremost, I gathert that Nicholas Bow- 
 man, Esq., J.P., had haen a by-ordinar 1 spate o' 
 drinkin' that week. He had drucken the greybeard 
 as dry as a whistle, an' Tibbie had been sent to 
 the Horse Shoe Inn for a fresh supply, that he 
 micht hae the means o' haudin' himsel' cheery on 
 the Sabbath-day. Guid had come oot o' evil, I'm 
 sure, for gin he had been content to drink at 
 leisure, I wadna hae seen Tibbie's face that nicht 
 
 Secondly, I learned eneugh to satisfee me that 
 the story aboot Tibbie an' the coachman hadna a 
 word o' truth in't an' that was oonspeakable com- 
 fort to my mind. 
 
 Thirdly, I faun' oot that Andra Scoter though 
 he had never letten on to me, the sleekit rogue, for 
 a' we were sae freen'ly wi' ither was ower the lugs
 
 84 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 in love wi' Peggy Paitrick, a fellow servant o' 
 Tibbie's, an' that he was ower-by seein' her maist 
 ilka Friday nicht. 
 
 Fourthly, I ascertained in a roondaboot sort o' 
 wey for I wasna courageous eneugh as yet to tell 
 her that I had been airt an' pairt in the ploy that 
 the Laird and Supervisor Buggins whan they gaed 
 to the Washin' Hoose to bring furth their prisoner, 
 an' faun' that the bird was flown, wrocht themsel's 
 up into a tremendous passion, swearin' an' raigin' 
 till they nearly windit themsel's, as gin swearin' 
 wad mend the maitter ony. 
 
 Fifthly, it appeared that Sullivan, wha had been 
 despatched to St. Andrews wi' the caggies o' brandy, 
 had never gotten that length, he havin' opened the' 
 gimlet hole on the road, an' drucken himsel' to 
 death. Neist mornin' his lifeless corp, stiff as a 
 poker, an' cauld as lead, was fun' lyin' beside the 
 barrels in a wud half-gaits atween Burleyrackit an' 
 St. Andrews, an' the bit pownie beastie that he 
 had haen alang wi' him, gaen snuffin' aboot close 
 by, wi' the bridle-reins trailin' amang the feet o't. 
 
 Sixthly, an' lastly an' the maist important item 
 of a' to my taste Tibbie, in answer to a question 
 I ventured to speer at her, tauld me, wi' a profusion 
 o' smiles an' blushes playin' at hide an' seek on her 
 bonnie face for by this time we were stannin' in 
 the licht o' the kitchen window, an' I had her face 
 in full view that I micht stap ower bye wi' Andra 
 Sooter some Friday nicht juist if I likit though ! 
 Of coorse I wad like there cudna be twa weys 
 aboot that !
 
 CALF-LOVE AND PHYSIC 85 
 
 We communed thegither doon in the back area 
 for the feck o' an oor the happiest oor I had ever 
 spent in a' my born days ! Wi' Tibbie for my 
 companion, I felt as if I cud hae lingert there for 
 ever, regairdless alike o' wind an' vveet, o' simmer's 
 heat an' winter's cauld. 
 
 On pairtin' wi' her for alas ! the sweetest 
 moments come to an end sooner even than the 
 sourest anes I didna hae the courage to lay my 
 lips to hers, by wey o' imprintin' a smurach on 
 them. I had a feelin' that we werna juist far 
 eneugh intil ilk ither's confidence an' kennin's for 
 gaen to that extremity juist yet. Maybe I was a 
 wee thochtie blate forbye. But it maitters na, I 
 did what was the next best thing to makin' an 
 oscular demonstration I sheuk her by the han, 
 in sic a hearty wey as must hae convinced her 
 that my fingers were actin' under a pooerfu' im- 
 pulse communicated to them frae the very bottom 
 o' my heart. 
 
 Hame I gaed takin' a yaird an' a half at ilka 
 stap, an' whistlin' to mysel' sae loodly an' merrily 
 
 that 
 
 "Ye very firre parke rang." 
 
 My mither cudna think eneugh o' the charm 
 that had been wrocht on my health an' speerits, 
 by the combined operation o' the salts an' senna, 
 an' the moothfu' o' caller air, for I tane a hearty 
 supper, an' was as brisk as a bee. 
 
 Afore retirin' to bed that nicht, I sat doon in a 
 violent state o' poetic ecstasy, an' tried my 'prentice 
 han' at the composeetion o' the followin' bit sang.
 
 86 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 THE LASS O' BURLEYRACKIT. 
 AIR. "Roy's Wife of Aldivalloch" 
 
 The muses nine o' birth divine, 
 
 Wha dwall upo' the mount Parnassus, 
 Are weel-faured, strappin' sonsey queans, 
 
 An' guid aboon the maist o' lasses. 
 But I could name a winsome dame, 
 
 As guid, an' ten times mair respeckit, 
 Wi' rosy cheeks an' slae-black een, 
 
 The bonnie lass o' Burleyrackit. 
 
 There's Mysie Tod o' Clortyclod, 
 
 What though she hae a clash o' siller? 
 For worth an' wut, the pridefu' slut, 
 
 She couldna haud the cawnel till her. 
 There's Effie Glen o' Toddleben, 
 
 For me her very heart she'll brak' it ; 
 It micht hae been had I ne'er seen 
 
 The bonnie lass o' Burleyrackit. 
 
 Lang Jenny Grubb o' Drumliedub, 
 ^ She's but a glaikit, weirdless towther; 
 
 An' Betty Shaw o' Muttonraw, 
 
 She's witless, hallokit, an' throu'ther. 
 Wee Jeannie Heigh, black, wild, an' skeigh, 
 
 An' Peggy Pye, dour an' tongue-tackit ; 
 There's nane in a 1 the parochin, 
 
 Can match the lass o' Burleyrackit. 
 
 Her pawky smiles, her witchin' wiles, 
 
 Her cherry mou', sae sweet an' bonnie, 
 Her raven hair, her queenly air, 
 
 Her kirtle, snood, an' cockernonie : 
 Frae head to feet she is complete 
 
 My heart she's stown, my brain she's crackit ; 
 Baith day an* nicht she's in my sicht 
 
 The bonnie lass o' Burleyrackit.
 
 CHAPTER IX 
 
 THE TEMPLE OF TERPSICHORE 
 
 HAVIN' got in tow wi' Tibbie, the next job 
 was to arrainge wi' Andra Sooter as to oor 
 conjunct expedeetions to Burleyrackit, on the Friday 
 nichts. This maitter was settled, the first time we 
 forgaithered, to the entire satisfaction o' baith 
 pairties. 
 
 Bat hoo was I to get awa ilka Friday nicht 
 withoot lattin' the cat oot o' the pock at hame? 
 That cam' to be the next consideration. An 
 excuse that wad sair my turn noo an' than, ^n 
 even for twa or three weeks rinnin', micht be 
 framed by the exerceese o' some sma' ingenuity. 
 This \ve proved by actual experiment. But no 
 for the life o' me cud \ see hoo I cud decently 
 draw straes afore the een o' the auld fouk frae week 
 to week, frae month to month, an' maybe frae 
 year's end to year's end. Andra an' me tane the 
 subjeck through han's, an' after surveyin' it in a' 
 its vaurious aspecks, we lichtit upon a plan that we 
 thocht wad answer. 
 
 The week afore the New Year there comes a 
 dancin' maister bodie to the pairish, an' opens what
 
 88 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 he was pleased in his printit handbills to style 
 a " Temple of Terpsichore." The meetin' place 
 was John M'Briar's strae-barn, at Puddinmire, an' 
 thither the nobeelity, gentry, an' residenters i' the 
 districk were inveetit to send their sons an* 
 dochters to be taucht hoo to kick up their heels 
 on the maist approved principles. 
 
 A strae-barn, as my mither truly remarkit, was 
 a droll place to be transformed intil a Temple o' 
 ony kind, an' as for the nobeelity an' gentry, they 
 were but an unco thin crap in the pairish o' Drumlie. 
 But sin' we canna expeck to fin' muckle smeddum 
 in a dancin' maister a toom head an' licht heels 
 bein' raither sib to ane anither the preceese terrts 
 o' the puir bodie's adverteezement wadna need to 
 be ower closely creeticeesed. 
 
 Of coorse, the Temple o' Terpsichore was a 
 famous institution baith wi' auld an' young. It 
 was the crack o' the haill kintra side for the feck 
 o' the winter. Its high-priest, M'Kickie, was, in 
 the early pairt o's career, a man o' vast wech! an* 
 authority wi' a' the married women wha had families 
 o' grown-up dochters, that were like to stick on 
 their han's, gin they didna get themsel's shevn aff 
 to the best advantage. Tak his word for it 
 
 "He had seen great anes, an' sat in great ha's, 
 'Mang lords an' fine ladies, a' covered wi' bra\rs." 
 
 He used to brag o' his havin' been a pupil o' 
 Neil Gow's, an' even gaed the length o' claimin' 
 acquantance wi' Paganini. Whiles whan he wad 
 get on's high keys, he wad seize hauds o' the fiddle,
 
 THE TEMPLE OF TERPSICHORE 89 
 
 an' rin up an' doon the gamut like lichtnin', garrin' 
 his " elbock jink an' diddle" wi' great veegour, 
 throwin' back his head, and screwin' his mou' to 
 the ae side an' his een to the ither, pechin' an* 
 grainin' like a sheep afflickit wi' the sturdie, an' 
 makin' a skraighin' noise like a score o' gan'ers, 
 cryin' a' throu' ither, eneugh to wauken the Seven 
 Sleepers an' that, we were gi'en to understan', was 
 a swatch o' Paganini's style o' playin' only a 
 vastly improved edition o't. Then for a sketch o' 
 Neil Gow's bow-han' (greatly improved, too, of 
 coorse), he wad rattle awa through a lang rigmarole 
 o' jigs, strathspeys, an' reels, garrin' his head bob, 
 bob up an' doon sae furiously that it seemed as 
 gin he wad end himsel' some day by flingin' his 
 neck oot o' joint 
 
 Yet for a' his wind, Mr. M'Kickie was naething 
 better than a tailor like mysel'. Feint ane o' him 
 had ever been langer or farrer frae his native 
 pairish o' Auchtertool than the sax months he lived 
 in the Sooth-Back o' the Canongate o' Edinbro', 
 whaur he wrocht in a bit garret roomie, sax feet 
 square, makin' breeks for a militia regiment, at a 
 wage o' auchteen pence a day. " Whan wine's in wit's 
 oot," is a true sayin', for takin' a bouse ae Saturday 
 nicht wi' twa or three billies i' the Horse-Shoe Inn, 
 whaur he put up, he got himsel' fou' an' let oot the 
 poother unawares. The story spread like wilfire 
 through the pairish, an' in less than a week every- 
 body kent o't. Puir M'Kickie lost far mair by 
 tellin' the truth than he had ever dune by tellin' 
 lees. His was a very hard case indeed, an' a' the
 
 90 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 mair sae as the fack o' his bein' a tailor bred was 
 raither creditable till him than ithervvise. 
 
 At M'Kickie's Terpsichorean Temple, hooever, 
 Andra Sooter an' me resolved to get oorsel's 
 initeeated into the sublime mysteries o' Petronella, 
 the Heelan' Fling, an' Jacky Tar. It wasna devo- 
 tion to the saltatory airt a' thegither that led us 
 into this ploy, but we calculatit that it wad furnish 
 us wi' a feasible excuse for bein' abroad on the 
 Friday nichts, whan, of coorse, we cud substi- 
 tute Cupid for Terpsichore, an' Burleyrackit for 
 Puddinmire. 
 
 There are aye twa at a bargain makin', hooever, 
 an' in my case it was necessar' to secure the con- 
 currence o' an individual wha stood to me in the 
 twa-fauld relationship o' pawrent an' 'prentice 
 maister, afore I cud gang ae fitstap farrer into 
 the M'Kickie business. My mither, I didna doot, 
 cud be managed wi' little trouble, for she had aye a 
 laudable ambeetion to see us upsides wi' oor neebors, 
 if no as far ahead o' them as possible ; but my 
 faither raither pridit himsel' on rinnin' 's head 
 against the general custom, the mair especially as 
 he was on releegious grun's dead against gi'en' the 
 slichtest coontenance to what Mr. Gowlanthump, 
 in a discoorse adaptit for the speceefic occasion, 
 frae an auld ane on the dancin' o' Herodias' dochter, 
 ca'd the " sinfu', Antechristian, heathenish, diabolical 
 practeese o' promisc'us dancin'." Of coorse, his 
 bein' in the eldership made my faither a' the mair 
 zealous in guairdin' my morals frae contamination. 
 
 I lost nae time in soondin' my mither on the
 
 THE TEMPLE OF TERPSICHORE 91 
 
 subjeck, an' was delichtit to fin' that her sentiments 
 an' mine were identical. Sae whan e'enin' comes, 
 an' we were a' sittin' roon' the ingle, the discoorse 
 turns, by the merest accident ye needna speer, 
 to Mr. M'Kickie an' his gran' Terpsichorean 
 Temple. 
 
 " A' the young fouk in' the roon' are to be at it," 
 my mither mildly observed. 
 
 " The greater fules their pawrents maun be to 
 lat them ! " growled my faither. 
 
 " Deed, I never cud see the ill o't ! " returned my 
 mither, " an' that's no sayin' ae thin', an' thinkin' 
 anither. I was at the dancin' mysel' whan I was 
 like them, an' sae were ye yersel', Tammas, as ye 
 may weel mind. An' what the waur are we o't 
 the day ? " 
 
 " An' what the better are we ? " retorted my 
 faither. " But waur or no waur, it's clean against 
 Scriptur'. Mair an' ootower a' that, though we 
 cam' by nae skaith, that doesna prove that Tarn '11 
 be equally fort'nate." 
 
 " Deed, Tammas, Scriptur' says naething either 
 for or against it, an' as for Mr. Gowlanthump he's 
 a bonnie ane indeed to rail aboot the ineequity o't, 
 whan his ain twa dochters are taucht dancin' at the 
 Buirdin' School, in St. Andrews. 
 
 " Are ye sure o' that ? " said my faither sharply. 
 " Wha's yer author ? " 
 
 " Naething can be surer," replied my mither 
 calmly, " an' my author is Mrs. M'Briar, whase twa 
 little nieces are at the same schule, an' dancin' alang 
 side o' them ilka day."
 
 92 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 " Weel, after that onything ! " said my faither, 
 grindin' his teeth thegither. "Laddie, ye'se get 
 to the Temple o' Terpsichore! An' juist lat Mr. 
 Gowlanthump say a single word aboot it to me, 
 an' I'se gie him a bane to chaw at I'm thinkin ! " 
 
 Next day my mither set oot to St Andrews wi' 
 her butter an' eggs, an' there she coft me a pair o' 
 splendacious dancin' pumps, at a cost o' nae less 
 than three half-croons. The marrows o' them 
 werna to be seen within the haill Temple o' 
 Terpsichore, except on the feet o' Mr. M'Kickie 
 himseP, an' his had been embroider't by the fair 
 fingers o' a blumin' damsel o' thirty-five, belangin' 
 fo Pittenweem (whaur he had last set up his 
 Temple), an' wha presentit them to him, accordin' 
 to her story, as a token o' profound admiration for 
 his professional abeelities, though, as was generally 
 hintit, her profound admiration very possibly or- 
 ginatit in a different, if no in a mair selfish motive. 
 If sae, she maun hae met wi' an unco sair begunk, 
 puir quean, for it cam 1 oot belyve that M'Kickie 
 had a wife an' twa weans livin' in the neiborhood 
 o' Stirlin'. The rascal had quietly gi'en them the 
 slip, leavin' them on the cauld charity o' a walthy 
 carl o' an uncle o' his ain, wha had a lairge sheep- 
 farm thereawa. 
 
 Mr. M'Kickie's coorse o' instruction was to last 
 for aucht weeks. Andra an' me were reeg'lar atten- 
 dants except on the Friday nichts, whan we faun' 
 mair pleasin' enterteenment at Burleyrackit. I 
 made great progress in my saltatory studies, an' 
 equally satisfactory was my success in winnin' the
 
 THE TEMPLE OF TERPSICHORE 93 
 
 affection o' Tibbie Monypenny, sae I had nae reason 
 to complain. 
 
 Aboot the middle o' the term we had a practeesin' 
 ball, to which we that were scholars were allooed to 
 bring oor sweethearts. Of coorse, I had Tibbie, 
 an' Andra had Peggy Paitrick they havin' speered 
 leave oot for that nicht. 
 
 Tibbie was charmin', I had maist said divine ! 
 No bein' up to the names o' the vaurious articles o' 
 her apparel, I sanna ventur' to describe them, but 
 her slae-black een, her rosy cheeks, her raven ringlets 
 I cud hae describit them, gin the dictionar' had 
 been able to furnish words expressive eneugh for 
 sic a delicate task. Frae a' the fair dames that 
 graced the Temple o' Terpsichore that nicht she 
 bore the gree awa. 
 
 Ilka craw thinks its ain bird the whitest, nae 
 doot, an' maybe Andra Sooter was as muckle built 
 up in Peggy as I was in Tibbie. If sae, he was 
 very welcome. She was weel eneugh, an' it's a 
 guid pack that pleases the merchant But she was 
 naething like Tibbie Monypenny, an' that's no sayin' 
 onything to Peggy's disparagement, for whaur per- 
 fection is the ellwand it's nae mervel gin ordinary 
 mortals come scrimply up to the standard. 
 
 Tibbie an' me werena aince oot o' the floor the 
 haill nicht. My certie ! She cud wag her tae wi' 
 the best o' them. At Bab-at-the-Bowster she flang 
 the napkin to me, an' sae we set oot for Burley- 
 rackit, her hingin' on my airm, as was but meet an' 
 proper. Andra had Peggy in tow, an' they were 
 on the road afore us, maybe at the distance o'
 
 94 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 twa hunder yairds. The mornin' was raither dark. 
 The mune had set, an' the stars were happit by 
 a thick canopy o' cluds. Oor road lay for some 
 distance atween a thick wud on the ae hand, an' 
 a raw o' lint-holes, lip-fou' o' foul water, on the 
 ither. We were stoitin' alang, deeply immersed in 
 oor ain cracks, an' never dreedin' skaith, the mair 
 sae as Andra was sae near bye, whan oot sprang 
 a pair o' murreungeous rascals frae the wud, an' 
 ane o' them flings his airm roon' Tibbie's waist, 
 while his pairtner in ineequity grips me by the cuff 
 o' the neck ! 
 
 The first thocht that flichtered athort my mind 
 was, cud they be my auld adversaries the gaugers ? 
 But I tane nae time to gie a second thocht to the 
 subjeck, for I juist liftit my steekit neive, an', wi' a' 
 my pith an' veegour, an' they were nae that sma' 
 in thae days, lent the chield wha had collared me a 
 wallop that turned him clean heels ower head into 
 the midst o' the lint-hole ! Noo for the vagabon' 
 wha had daured to lay foul fingers on Tibbie, an' 
 wha, regairdless o' her warsellin', an' flytin' an' 
 scartin', still stuck till 'er like a whittret ! I made 
 as short wark wi' him ! My wrath bein' fairly 
 wauken't, I sprang at him like a teegar, lowsed his 
 handygrips frae Tibbie's waist, an' gied him a 
 blenter i' the braid-side o' the head, that sent him 
 intil the stank after his accomplice. His heels 
 were juist gaen ower the ugly head o' 'm, whan 
 Andra, wha had heard the fearfu' stushie break oot, 
 cam' rinnin' back to see what was ado. On sur- 
 veyin' the battle-field we faun' a lang broon pock
 
 THE TEMPLE OF TERPSICHORE 95 
 
 lyin' at the side o' the road, an' whan Andra cam' 
 athort it wi' his fit, the bass fiddle, that had bummed 
 sae dolorously in oor lugs the haill nicht through, 
 sent furth a deep sepulchral groan. 
 
 " Put yer tae-piece intil her, Andra," said I. 
 
 Sae the neb o' Andra's tackety shoe cam' in 
 violent colleesion wi' the pock, whaurby the un- 
 fortunate instrument was sent into the middle o' 
 the pool. This it did wi' an angry growl, provin' 
 as plain as words cud hae spoken it that we wad 
 never mair be deaved wi' its bow-wow-wowin'. 
 
 Of coorse, the twa vaigs whase heels I had dung 
 sae clean ower their heads, didna mak' a lang 
 sojourn i' the lint-hole. They remained there nae 
 langer than they cud help, but reikin' their fins 
 they crap oot on the further shore, whaur the water 
 bein' atween them an' me they thocht themsel's 
 on biggit land, an' begoud to craw unco croose. 
 
 " Mr. M'Kickie ! " roared I, after the craitur had 
 put himsel' hafHins oot o' breath wi' the violence o' 
 his objurgations, " ye mauna suppose that I'm sae 
 blin' as no to ken ye ! Ye can juist gang yer wa's 
 doon bye to Pittenweem, to the puir quean ye've 
 been coortin' for cake an' puddin'. Better still, 
 haud ye awa to Stirlin' to yer ain wife an' weans. 
 It wad be far wiser-like than tryin' to lead ony 
 virtuous young woman aff her feet ye puir, in- 
 signeeficant, blowstin', cooardly warrach 'at ye are ! 
 Aye, an' d'ye really think that because ye've been 
 sax months in Edinbro', an' can coin a wheen lees 
 oot o' hill an' heap, ye cud also twine Tibbie an' 
 me roon' yer thoom ony way ye like ? Aha,
 
 96 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 lad ! ye've chappit at the wrang door for that. 
 Ae tailor is as guid as anither ony day, an' a 
 hantle better sometimes ye'll be thinkin'. It was 
 very far wrang o' the Auld Reekie fouk to haud 
 ye pinglin' sae lang at sogers' breeks, an' only 
 gi'ein' ye auchteenpence for yer day's wark. But 
 never mind though ye had to creep yer wa's back 
 to 'starvation in auld Auchtertool' ye're no the 
 first, an' ye winna be the last, that Fortune, the 
 fickle jaud, has fouchten wi' i' the mornin' an' 
 fawned on at e'en. Can-do is easily carried aboot, 
 an' whan ye can nae langer fill yer wame by 
 shakin' yer fit an' tellin' lees, ye can aye mak' 
 auchteenpence at the needles." 
 
 M'Kickie didna expeck either the sarkfu'-o-'sair 
 banes or the reddin' up I had gi'ein' him, or he 
 wad hae thocht twice afore vent'rin' to clap his 
 unhallowed cleuks upon Tibbie Monypenny. But 
 it was a' tint that fell by 'im, for truly he was a 
 main scoondrel ! I cudna juist blame him a' the- 
 gither either for ha'ein' a lithe side to Tibbie, after 
 seein' her buskit up like a wax-doll, an' fleein' 
 through the reel as licht an' gracefu' as a lintie. 
 Human natur' cudna behold withoot admirin' her. 
 Bein' a marriet man, hooever, he had nae business 
 to fa' in love wi 1 'er, or if he cudna help doin' sae, 
 it was his duty, at the very least, to bury the un- 
 leisome passion oot o' sicht into the secret depths 
 o' his ain bosom. 
 
 As for the bass fiddler a drucken collier chiel' 
 hailin' frae some o' the coal heuchs owerby at 
 the Bungs, his ineequity was the less heinous in
 
 THE TEMPLE OF TERPSICHORE 97 
 
 my een, that he had evidently been made a catspaw 
 o' by his employer. Puir fallow ! he had the warst 
 o't ; for not only did he get himsel 5 wat to the skin, 
 his claes belaggirt an' his fruntispiece malagruzed, 
 which was nae mair than what Mr. M'Kickie 
 himsel' had to thole, but Andra's tackety shoe 
 had dung his fiddle into spunk wud. 
 
 A warl' o' slack jaw was intercheenged atween the 
 bellegerents, but as Tibbie an' Peggy were anxious 
 to be hame, an' as they were frichtened for hosteeli- 
 ties brakin' oot anew, Andra an' me, at their earnest 
 soleecitation, resumed the mairch towards Burley- 
 rackit, leavin' the enemy to rake frae the lint-hole 
 the pockfu' o' spails that had aince been a bass 
 fiddle. 
 
 Neist nicht Andra cam' owerby to Buttonhole 
 in a state o' great concernment, an' tauld me hoo 
 he had heard them sayin' at the Smiddy that 
 M'Kickie had stown awa frae his lodgin's i' the 
 Horse Shoe Inn, afore daylicht, takin' a' his effecks 
 alang wi' him, except the score o' the popular sang, 
 " Guid nicht, an' joy be wi' ye a'." A cadger bodie 
 belangin' Dundee had been at the Smiddy i' the 
 forenoon gettin's rigwoodie mendit, an' he said that 
 he had forgaithered wi' the bass fiddler an' him at 
 day-daw awa ower the Girdle Feet i' the direction 
 o' the Guaird Brig. Baith o' them, he said, had 
 their e'eholes as blue as blawarts. For a' that the 
 High Priest o' Terpsichore an' his cronies had 
 eaten an' drucken durin' the sax weeks he had 
 lived at the Horse Shoe, he made aff wi' himsel' 
 withoot gi'ein' puir Mrs. Snifters sae muckle as the 
 
 7
 
 98 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 black afore his nail, or even sayin' " I'm obleeged 
 t' ye ! " Forbye a' that, he had gotten fore- 
 handit peyments frae his scholars for aucht weeks' 
 schulein', an' here was he awa whan as yet he hadna 
 gi'en them aboon half the value o' their siller !
 
 CHAPTER X 
 
 THE DIET O' CATECHEEZIW 
 
 ON a certain Sabbath-day i' the hairst-time, 
 the only worshippers frae Buttonhole in 
 Drumlie Fairish Kirk were me an' my faither, for 
 my mither baid at hame to look after the coo an' 
 the swine, while Jock an' Chirstie were awa spendin' 
 their hairst vacations wi' Sandy Reekie, wha had 
 by this time gotten a smiddy o' 's ain, doon near 
 Pittenweem, an' was doin' weel i' the warld. As 
 my faither sat wi' the elders in their bucht, I was 
 the sole occupant o' the Buttonhole pew. Havin' 
 had a hard week's wark on the hairst field, my 
 faither an' me were sleepier than ordinar' on that 
 parteek'lar day. By dint o' fidgin' aboot, bitin' the 
 end o' my tongue, an' nippin' my thighs, I managed 
 to keep mysel' wauken, until I saw that my faither 
 an' half the congregation were thrang noddin' to 
 ane anither. My blinkers likewise gaed thegither 
 for guid an' a' juist as Mr. Gowlanthump was 
 layin' doon "Ninthly." Patie Baisler, whase pew 
 was alangside o' oors, snored raither lood for my 
 comfort. But the soond deed awa belyve, an' left 
 me in the land o 1 Elysium. 
 
 99
 
 ioo TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 Hoo lang I remained in that somnolent state 
 I canna tell, but the neist soond I heard was Mr. 
 Squeeker's stentorian voice launchin' furth into the 
 third measure o' the " Bangor," an' garrin' a' the 
 roof an' rafters dirl wi' the fervour o' his sacred 
 melody. My first glower was direckit to the 
 elders' bucht, an' there I saw my faither an' his 
 brithren o' the eldership, rakin' at their e'eholes, 
 showin' very clearly that we were a' eeksie-peeksie 
 for aince. 
 
 Had we lost naething by that stown nap but 
 the hinder-end o' the sermon, the loss wad hae 
 been but sma'. We had heard it a' afore, aftener 
 than aince or twice, an' if spaired, we micht do sae 
 again. But we had tint a maist important an- 
 nouncement that Mr. Gowlanthump had made at 
 the end o't. It was to the effeck that he wad 
 hand a diet o' examination at Buttonhole, in the 
 hoose o' Mr. Tammas Bodkin, on the Tuesday 
 followin', whaur a' the pairishioners residin' in that 
 quarter o' the pairish, gentle an' semple, were inveetit 
 to assemble at twa o'clock i' the afternoon. Mr. 
 Gowlanthump cud tak' freedoms at Buttonhole, 
 owin' to my faither bein' an elder, that he wad 
 scarcely hae daur'd to tak' elsewhere, an' therefore 
 he had arranged to haud a meetin' withoot speerin' 
 aforehaun' whether it wad be convenient for us, 
 or indeed withoot sayin' ought aboot it, save an' 
 except what he said in 's intimation frae the poopit. 
 This intimation neither my father nor me happened 
 to hear, for the rizzin that we were baith soon, 
 asleep whan he made it.
 
 THE DIET a CATECHEEZIN' 101 
 
 Tuesday was aye a head-day at Buttonhole. It 
 was washin' day. Noo, to hae an examination an' 
 a washin' i' the hoose on the same day was mair 
 than we were prepared for. 
 
 We had feenished oor denner o' cauld-kail-het- 
 again oor usual fare on washin' days. My mither 
 was i' the act o' dichtin' up the cutty-spoons, whan 
 in comes Mrs. Dauvit Sooter, followed at intervals 
 by Dauvit himsel', Dauvit's auldest laddie Andra, 
 an' the younger members o' the Snipemire family. 
 "Ay, ay, what cud hae brocht sae mony Sooters 
 to Buttonhole, on sic a day, an' at sic an oor ? " 
 was the thocht that was uppermost i' my mither's 
 mind. 
 
 " Inbye an' warm ye," said my mither, " an' gie's 
 the news." 
 
 But afore Mrs. Sooter had time to lowse her 
 news-wallet, in cam' Wattie Wabster an' his wife, 
 wi' their childer, an' a 'prentice loonie, wi' a fearfu' 
 tautit head, that Wattie had wi' him, learnin' the 
 weavin' business. Bottom room was gettin' scant, 
 but the auld fouk managed to get accommodatit 
 ae wey an' anither. As for the youngsters, my 
 mither tell't them juist to " hunker doon on their 
 thooms." Never aince jealousin' what was what, 
 my mither still held her hands gaen i' the washin' 
 tub, keepin' up a' the time a cheery crack wi' her 
 guests, an' garrin' the saepy graith flee through 
 a' the neuks o' the kitchen, weetin' a' their duds. 
 She had juist begun to question Mrs. Wattie 
 Wabster aboot her next youngest bairnie that 
 had lately had the measles, the dregs whaurof had
 
 102 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 fa'en intil its left leggie, causin' sair rinnin's, whan 
 in comes John M'Briar o' Puddinmire, accompanied 
 by Patie Baisler, an' a squad o' half-lang ploomen 
 chields frae the neeborin' farms, some o' them entire 
 strangers to my mither. Od, things were really 
 beginnin' to look unco serious. The floor-head 
 cud nae langer accommodate the motley multi- 
 tude. As for the ben-the-hoose, it was fu' o cheese 
 laid oot to dry, sae she cudna send them ben there. 
 
 " Gang yer wa's up to the garret, Andra," said 
 my mither to Dauvit Scoter's laddie, "an tell 
 Tammas to come doon an' speak to me." 
 
 Boon cam' my faither wantin' the coat, an' wi' 
 his tape measure hingin' roond 's neck, but an ye 
 had seen hoo he glowered whan he set his nose 
 inside the kitchen an' beheld sic a hoosefu' ! 
 
 " Gude be here ! " he cried, haudin' up baith his 
 han's, " ye' re no a' wantin' yer measurements ta'en 
 are ye ? Mrs. Sooter, I'm sure ye wadna wear a 
 pair o' breeks o' my makin', at ony rate." 
 
 "Nane o' us are here for oor inches, I doot," 
 observed Dauvit Sooter, beginnin' to suspeck there 
 was some mistak' somewhaur. " We're come to say 
 oor carritches, Mr. Bodkin." 
 
 " Carritches, Dauvit ! " cried my faither, takin' 
 aff 's nichtcap an' clawin' his pow, " I canna see 
 hoo that can be ava." 
 
 " Ou, was ye no i' the kirk on Sabbath ? " said 
 Dauvit 
 
 " Ay was I." 
 
 " An' did ye no hear Mr. Gowlanthump gie oot 
 the intimation ? "
 
 THE DIET J CATECHEEZIN' 103 
 
 " Whaten an intimation ? " 
 
 " Ou, juist that there was to be an examination 
 hadden at Buttonhole this day at twa o'clock." 
 
 "No possible, Dauvit!" said my faither, gi'ein' 
 anither claw till 's croon, an' takin 1 a terrible red 
 face till himsel'. 
 
 " It's provable, though," said Dauvit, appealin' to 
 the rest o' the company for confirmation o' his 
 statement. 
 
 ;< It's juist as sure's death, though ! " said Mrs. 
 Wattie Wabster, " for we a' heard it, as we did 
 an' juist as we were crossin' the Mossy Howe at 
 the Stappin' Stanes we saw Mr. Gowlanthump 
 comin' leisurely doon the lang dyke side, an' he'll 
 be here enoo as he will. Wattie," said she, turnin' 
 till 'er guidman, " I'm sure ye saw him too." 
 
 " Did I no ? " said Wattie. " Haigh I saw him ! 
 an' gin he hasna' been pittin' affs time, he maun 
 be past the Corbie Stane afore noo, I'm thinkin'." 
 
 " Guidwife ! " exclaimed my faither, risin' at 
 length to the magnitude o' the occasion, " what 
 are we to do ? The meenister comin' an' no a 
 clean seat i' the hoose for him to sit doon on! 
 Fling bye yer washin' tub, 'oman ! an' aff wi' yer 
 short gown ! Dauvit Sooter, rin ye oot to the end 
 o' the hoose, an' gin the meenister be near hand 
 get him to look at the swine for awee, till we put 
 things something decent like. Sorra tak' this for 
 a bad business ! Tarn ! Tarn ! d'ye hear ? " he 
 cried up the stair to me. " Come doon this meenute, 
 an' get on yer blue jacket wi' the clear buttons \ 
 Patie, man, rin oot to the byre for the lang fir
 
 104 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 dail we scrape the swine on, an' we'll lay't atweesh 
 a pair o' chairs for the youngsters to sit on. For 
 ony sake, Mrs. Sooter, bear a haun' an' set the 
 muckle chair an' the table for the meenister ! " 
 
 Havin' delivered a' thae orders, my faither boltit 
 to the ben end o' the hoose to redd his hair, an* 
 fling on a coat. There he faun' my mither, in 
 nane o' the best o' tempers, fechtin' like a day's 
 wark to get oot o' her short gown an' intil her lang 
 ane. There was nae time to waste in fruitless 
 words, itherwise she wad hae gi'en him an upreddin' 
 for no peyin' attention to the poopit intimation 
 gettin' himsel' made a warl's wonder o' ower a' 
 the pairish, an' bringin' sae mony strangers on her 
 whan her hoose wasna fit to be seen by fouk wi' a' 
 their braws on ! 
 
 The news o' Mr. Gowlanthump an' the Carritches 
 didna gang weel doon wi' me ava. Gin I had 
 gotten due warnicement, feint a flee wad I hae 
 cared, for I cud hae furbished up my theology 
 aforehaun', but a hurried survey o' the subjecks 
 likely to be discussed convinced me that I was 
 as sure to stick as I was a leevin' mortal. Was I 
 to mak' an ass o' mysel' afore Andra Sooter an' 
 the lave o' them ? But what was I to do ? Creep 
 intil a canny corner like an ill-doer, oot o' sicht ? 
 Na ! that wadna do, for I wasna sae sma' a mote 
 as to shrink into inveesibeelity. Cud I no crawl 
 in below the board an' hap mysel' wi' the orra 
 clippins? That wadna do either, for gin my sin 
 didna find me oot, my faither wad be sure to do 
 sae, an' that wad be even waur than makin' a
 
 THE DIET a CATECHEEZIN' 105 
 
 guddle o' the " reasons annexed." A' thae shadowy 
 thochts flichtered across my brain wi' the fleetness 
 o' merry-dancers on a winter's nicht, but they 
 furnished nae feasible means o' escape frae my 
 peck o' troubles. 
 
 Desperate ailments need desperate cures. Doon 
 the garret stair I crap on my tiptaes, an' i' the 
 midst o' the general hurrie-burrie I glidit to the 
 door like a ghaist, withoot excheengin' word or 
 wink wi' onybody there. Roon' to the back o' 
 the hoose I ran like a huntit hare, an' nae ither 
 refuge bein' at haun', I scrammelt up a trap that 
 was leanin' against the easin', an' mountit up to 
 the riggin'. Frae this vantage grun' I made a 
 hurried survey o' the adjacent landscape. Mr. 
 Gowlanthump was approachin'. By this time he 
 was aboot half gaits atween the Corbie Stane an' 
 Buttonhole. I then streekit mysel' oot a' my 
 length on the riggin' as flat as a flounder, sae that 
 his Reverence michtna get a vizzie o' me i' the 
 bye-gaen. I hadna been aboon three minutes in 
 this position, whan I overheard my faither trottin' 
 roon' a' the doors, bawlin' oot " Tarn ! Tarn ! are 
 ye there, Tarn ? " but Tarn wasna inclined to 
 mak' onybody sensible, whether he was there 
 or no. 
 
 By-an'-by I heard Mr. Gowlanthump comin' 
 past the end o' the hoose, gruntin', an' pechin', an' 
 reddin' his throat, to mak' himsel' ready for action. 
 As for me, I durstna budge oot o' the bit, nor mak' 
 either hishie or wishie, for fear o' back-fear. But 
 wow alas ! never are we in greater peril sometimes,
 
 io6 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 than whan we think oorsel's maist secure. I had 
 felt the rotten pins crackin', an' the divots beginnin" 
 to gie wey for a half minute or sae, but houp still 
 whisper'd into my lug, that they wad haud oot lang 
 eneugh to sair my turn. Houp proved hersel' in 
 this case to be a leein' kittie. At the preceese 
 nick o' time whan Mr. Gowlanthump was passin' 
 in the front o' the hoose, fornenst whaur I was 
 lyin', the divots tint their grip, an' doon we row'd, 
 them an' me thegither, wi' an awfu' hurlie-hacket, 
 richt on the croon o' the Rev. gentleman's head ! 
 Nor did the mischief, bad as it was, end even wi' 
 that, for ayont him lay the jawhole, an' richt into 
 the middle o't him, an' me, an' the divots played 
 plouter, garrin' the fulzie jaup up in a' directions, 
 fylin' a grand table-claith o' Wattie Wabster's 
 weavin' an' my mither's ain spinnin', that was 
 dryin' on a scrog near-bye, an' committin' sundry 
 ither pliskies o' lesser enormity. 
 
 My faither an' Dauvit Sooter hearin' the stushie 
 cam' rinnin' to the door, an' pu'd us oot o' the 
 Slough o' Despond. We were truly a sicht to be 
 seen raither than describit ; we were literally covered 
 wi' glaur frae head to heel. 
 
 The meenister was ta'en into the parlour, whaur 
 he got himsel' cleaned, an' arrayed ifi my faither's 
 best black suit. But my certie gin' I didna mak 
 my feet my freen's, I did naething. As sune's I got 
 oot o' the jawhole, I set aff what I cud scoor to 
 Treetaps, to my grandfaither, an' laid doon the 
 haill story to him. Sae he cam' owerby wi' me 
 to Buttonhole i' the gloamin', an' used his guid
 
 THE DIET a CATECHEEZIN' 107 
 
 offices to restore me aince mair to the favour o' 
 my deeply offendit pavvrents. 
 
 A crusty auld tyke at the best, Mr. Gowlan- 
 thump's temperpin was naewise improved by the 
 jawhole catastrophe. Durin' the examination that 
 followed he was as soor as sowens an' as thrawn 
 as a welk. The hafflin plooman chields sat like 
 a wheen condemned thieves, wi' their bannets 
 atween their knees, frichtened to lift their een frae 
 the points o' their tackety shoon. Wattie Wabster, 
 decent carl that he was, got into sic a state o' 
 agitation, that whan it cam' his turn to answer 
 he cudna utter a word no, though Andra Sooter 
 was sittin' ahent him feedin' the answers ane by 
 ane intil's left lug as they were needit. Wattie 
 fairly brak doon on the Carritches, but Mr. Gow- 
 lanthump thocht he wad try him on anither 
 tack. 
 
 " Mr. Wabster," said his reverence, wi' a fearfu' 
 scowl that garred Wattie shak' in's shoon, " where 
 was the land of Nod ? " 
 
 Andra Sooter, bein' up to a' mainner o' mischief, 
 whisper'd into Wattie's lug something aboot " Cape 
 Cod." 
 
 " At Ca-ape Cod, sir," answered Wattie, the 
 syllables like to stick in's windpipe. 
 
 " What d' you say, Patrick ? " roared his Rever- 
 ence, applyin' to Patie Baisler for his opeenion. 
 
 " Weel," said Patie, " the twa words are no that 
 onlike ane anither, onyvvey." 
 
 " What say you, John ? " continued the meenister, 
 turnin' to John M'Briar, wha was sittin' in a corner
 
 108 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 mumpin' at the head o' his staff, an' lookin' as if 
 he wad like to say something. 
 
 " Disna the Beuk say that the land o' Nod was 
 to the east o' the Gairden ? " observed John, addres- 
 sin' himsel' to Patie Baisler. 
 
 " Ay does it," returned Patie. 
 
 " Verra weel than," said John, layin' doon the 
 words into his left loof wi 1 the end o' his staff, 
 " isna Cape Cod in Ameeriky ? isna Ameeriky wast 
 frae this? an hoo' than cud the twa places hae 
 ony sibness to ane anither ? " 
 
 " But bide awee, John ! " said Patie, warmin' up 
 in defence o' his ain theory, " d'ye no ken that the 
 warl's roon' like yer ain head, John ? " 
 
 " I'm nae sure o' that," replied John, " we ha'ena 
 Scriptur' for't, at ony rate. 
 
 " But it's gospel 'at I'm tellin' ye, though," said 
 Patie, " an' noo juist suppose the Gairden to lie at 
 yer left lug, an the Ian' o' Nod at yer nose, is 't no 
 as plain as the sole o' Mr. Bodkin's guse, that ye 
 micht gang frae Eden to the Ian' o' Nod, by haudin' 
 either east or wast ? The ae road wad be a wee 
 thochtie langer than the ither, but that wad be a'." 
 
 Seein' that the question wasna like to be cleared 
 up by the united wisdom o' the twa disputants, 
 Mr. Gowlanthump proceedit to unfauld his ain 
 views on the subjeck ; but though he managed to 
 pit doon a' veesible opposeetion, yet Patie still 
 thocht that there was bound to be some relation- 
 ship atweesh Cod an' Nod, an' whan John an' him 
 next forgaithered at the smiddy, they were on the 
 very point o' fechtin' aboot it. 'Deed, the smith
 
 THE DIET a CATECHEEZIN' 109 
 
 said they wad hae fouchen ootricht, if he hadna 
 gane in atween them, an' threaten'd to knock doon 
 wi' his fore-hammer the first o' the twa that daured 
 to lift his neive aboon the band o's breeks. 
 
 Mr. Govvlanthump next tacklet John M'Briar. 
 Noo John, besides bein' a clever haun' at geography 
 an' metapheesics, was likewise a bit o' a poet in 
 his ain humble wey, an' cud mak' up sangs an' 
 verses on the spur o' the moment, an' in a mainner 
 that was very divertin' sometimes. John was never 
 at a loss for a rhyme, for whanever he cudna get 
 existin' words to clink, he wad set to wark an' 
 mak' new anes for himsel'. Even in common 
 converse he wad munt up into the regions o' the 
 sublime, an' weave a wab o' crambo jingle that was 
 perfectly mervellous. Never havin' as yet gi'en 
 Mr. Gowlanthump a swatch o' his poetical gifts, he 
 was determined no to lat the present opportunity 
 for doin' sae slip bye unimproved, an' sae the 
 followin' droll colloquy tane place atweesh the twa 
 o' them : 
 
 'John M 'Briar of Puddinmire." 
 ' Sir, I'm here at your desire." 
 ' Ye'll answer me this question, John." 
 ' As mony as ye like come on ! " 
 1 How long was it ere Adam fell ? " 
 ' Deed, sir, that's mair nor I can tell." 
 ' So, John, you cannot tell me that ? " 
 ' Ye've said the truth, sir, weel-a-wat ? " 
 ' Then I must tell you, I opine ? " 
 'Yea, like a sensible divine." 
 ' Well, not until he got a wife." 
 ' He'd better led a single life ! "
 
 I io TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 " A most judicious observation." 
 
 " Considerin' my sma' eddication." 
 
 " I marvel at your ready rhymes." 
 
 " Deed, sir, they're unco thrawn at times." 
 
 "Is Mrs. Mac a rhymster too?" 
 
 "Na: juist as timmer, sir, as you!" 
 
 Mr. Govvlanthump wad fain hae ventur'd on a 
 few mair questions, but feelin' that John was 
 beginnin' to tramp on's taes he prudently cut short 
 the extraordinary confab, an' tauld him he micht 
 resume his seat 
 
 Havin' dune ample justice to the ither subjecks 
 on the programme, which includit Noah's Ark, 
 Lot's Wife, an' Balaam's Ass, his Reverence wound 
 up the labours o' the day, by gi'en' a lang an' learned 
 dissertation o' his ain, whaurin he fixed the exack 
 localities o' Tarshish, Ophir, an' the valley o' Baca, 
 an' sae endit that memorable Diet o' examination.
 
 CHAPTER XI 
 
 A GUIZIN' PLOY 
 
 DURIN' the last saxteen months o' my ap- 
 prenticeship my mind was in a constant 
 whirl o' excitement. The oors, aince lang an' 
 teedisome, flew by on the wings o' the win'. My 
 heart, aince sae dowie an' cauld, was noo in a 
 habeetual glow o' happiness. Frae peep o' day 
 till the Lady's Ellwand stood ower the lum-head, 
 I keepit the needle reekin' an' whistled like a lintie. 
 The prime cause o' a' this feleecity, of coorse, was 
 " the bonny lass o' Burleyrackit." 
 
 The Temple o' Terpsichore havin' been steekit 
 in the mainner already describit, Andra an' me were 
 under the needcessity o' lookin' aboot for a new 
 excuse for oor Friday nicht expedeetions. An 
 auld reekit fiddle, the solace o' my grandfaither's 
 solitary oors after he had happit my grannie i' the 
 mools, had lain tuneless upo' the bawks ever sin' 
 he had played his last grand finale an' passed awa 
 frae " sunshine to the sunless land." This was noo 
 my daily and nichtly companion as aften as I had 
 a moment's leisure. The thrummin' an' bummin', 
 an' cheepin' an' scrapin', that gaed on i' the hoose 
 
 in
 
 112 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 was, as my mither sometimes remarkit, eneugh 
 to frichten awa a' the rottans i' the pairish. Andra 
 Sooter, no havin' come into the possession o' a 
 fiddle by heirscape as I had dune, coft a second- 
 haun' ane frae a broker mannie in St Andrews, 
 the purchase price bein' five and saxpence. 
 
 Noo that he had a fiddle o' his ain Andra wad 
 be ower at Buttonhole maistly ilka nicht, an' the 
 twa o's wad sit up i' the garret after lowsin' time, 
 scartin' wi' micht an' main wi' the view o' extractin' 
 "the concord o' sweet soon's" frae oor harsh 
 rebellious instruments, until my faither, wi' his 
 nichtcap on's head, wad stap half gaits up the 
 stair on's stockin' soles, an' put an end to oor 
 skraighin' by hintin' to me that I was keepin' 
 Andra ower lang oot o's bed. 
 
 Afore lang we made the important discovery 
 that playin' the fiddle didna come by natur', like 
 clawin' oor heads whan yeukie, but that it was 
 ane o' the fine airts, like cuttin' oot a coat, an' 
 requeir'd to be learnt under the experienced e'e o' 
 a maister. 
 
 In a lanely roadside thack-roofed hoosie, half a 
 mile beyont Burleyrackit, lived Blind Archie, wha, 
 while servin' his king an' kintra in the capacity 
 o' a sodger, had tint his e'esicht by the accidental 
 blawin' up o' a poother-horn. Dischairged wi' a 
 pension o' saxpence a day, he had settled doon 
 in the society o' a frail unmarriet dochter (his 
 guidwife havin' deed while he was at the wars), 
 an' there he focht hard to eke oot an honest 
 livelihood for the twa o' them, by gi'ein' lessons
 
 A GUIZIN' PLOY 113 
 
 on the fiddle, an' by hirin' himsel' oot to play at 
 Maiden feasts, vvaddin's, feetwashin's, New Year's 
 day balls, an' sic like ploys. Sae naething wad 
 sair Andra an' me but we wad be aff to Blin' 
 Archie to learn the fiddle. Ae nicht i' the week 
 was a' my modest request, an' my faither, seein' I 
 was workin' sae eydently, made nae objection, 
 though he sheuk his head an' muttered something 
 till himsel' whaurin the terms " vanity " an' " non- 
 sense " were audible, showin' plainly eneugh that 
 he had but little faith i' the musical profession. 
 Ony nicht i' the week wad hae answered Archie, 
 but Friday nicht was oor choice, because it wad 
 enable us to fell twa dogs wi' ae stane, namely, 
 learn the fiddle an' do oor coortin' business at 
 Burleyrackit. 
 
 We had been gaen back an' fore to Archie an' 
 Burleyrackit for the feck o' a twalmonth, never 
 missin' a single Friday nicht, either for the sake o' 
 a sair head or weety weather, whan Auld Handsel 
 Munonday comes roon'. That was aye a day 
 whan auld and young divertit themsel's wi' a' kinds 
 o' gilravage. A' the auld roosty guns i' the pairish 
 were furbished up for the great occasion. For 
 weeks aforehaun' the plooman chields wad be 
 spendin' the lang forenichts meltin' doon lead 
 pipes an' pewter plates i' the fryin'-pan, an' rinnin' 
 bullets to fit the mou's o' their flint-lock fowlin' 
 pieces. Some wad try their skill at prize shootin' 
 for legs o' mutton, while ithers wad set oot lang 
 afore daylicht for the Whunny Muir, especially if 
 there happened to be a flou o' snav on the grun', 
 
 8
 
 U4 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 to hae a day's sport amang the hares an' paitricks, 
 an' that too in spite o' the game laws ! Ithers 
 \vha had freen's at a distance wad pey them a 
 veesit As for the younkers, they wad be up 
 betimes i' the mornin', havin' scarce winkit an e'e 
 the haill nicht for thinkin' o't, an' awa roon' the 
 farm toons for their Handsel. At nicht they wad 
 colleck in threes an' fours, an' after buskin' themsel's 
 up in the maist ootlandish raiment they cud 
 think o', an' bleckin' their faces, wad set oot on 
 guizin' expedeetions. 
 
 On the previous Sabbath, Andra an' me had 
 learned frae Tibbie, wha forgaithered wi' us quite 
 accidentally, of coorse, at the skaill o' the kirk, 
 that the Leddy was awa gallantin' sooth amang 
 her English freen's, an' that the Laird himsel', 
 wha had been detained by a stennis he had gi'en 
 his cuit whan skeitchin' like a madman on the ice, 
 was to set oot next mornin' for the same destination. 
 Burleyrackit wad thus be all but desertit. Very 
 lanesome an' eerie it wad be, Tibbie pathetically 
 hintit, gin Andra an' me cudna get owerbye to 
 spend the forenicht wi' Peggy an' her. Tibbie 
 wasna very skeigh for ordinar', but she didna like 
 to enterteen strangers wi' fause faces on, for they 
 micht be at bottom a curn ill-deedie rapscallions, 
 wha wad think naething o' robbin' the hoose, 
 murderin' the servants, an' then settin' fire to the 
 haill biggin'. Peggy Paitrick enterteened a seemilar 
 opeenion. Indeed, gin there was ony difference 
 atween them, she was the warst o' the twa, for if 
 we wadna promise to gang ower an' bear them
 
 A GUIZIN' PLOY 115 
 
 company on Handsel Munonday nicht, she wasna 
 sure but she wad gang in to St. Andrews an' 
 spend the nicht wi' her auntie. Noo as the cook 
 was awa hame to see her mither, an' the butler 
 was in Englan' wi' the Leddy, gin Peggy gaed 
 to St. Andrews what was Tibbie to do ? Was 
 she to bide in that muckle toom hoose her liefu' 
 lane ? Na, na : if Peggy gaed to St. Andrews 
 she (Tibbie) wad hae to lock the door an' gang 
 to Breeriebuss. Then what if the hoose sid be 
 broken up an' spulyied in her absence ? She wad 
 be sure to get the wyte o't for everything was 
 trustit to her an' the ruin o' hersel' an' o' a' 
 belangin' till 'er wad be the consequence. 
 
 Tibbie's peetifu' moligrant was sae fou o' images 
 o' terror that, by the time she cam' to the end o't, 
 my hair was beginnin' to stan' on end. The airtfu' 
 cuttie that she was, though ! to gar us believe 
 that it was Peggy wha had the principal han' 
 in trystin' us ower to Burleyrackit, whan it was 
 hersel' a' the time juist as muckle as Peggy ! But 
 she didna get me to believe her, for a' that, for 
 weel did I ken that she was juist as daft aboot me 
 as Peggy was aboot Andra, an' maybe mair sae. 
 Hoosomever, her request, sae slily preferred, an' 
 pooerfully pleadit by the irresistible eloquence o' her 
 rosy cheeks an' slae-black een, seemed sae reason- 
 able in itsel', an' complouthered sae entirely wi' 
 oor ain inclinations, that we agreed, wi' the utmost 
 cheerfu'ness, to be at Burleyrackit neist nicht by 
 the chap o' sax o'clock. 
 
 Munonday nicht arrives, an' finds Andra an' me
 
 n6 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 arrayed wi 1 oor sarks umost, wi' lumes shapen like 
 Turkish turbans on oor heads, an' wi' oor faces 
 pcntit a' ower frae lug to lug wi' a mixter o' pat- 
 bleck, cawk, an' yellow ochre. Crack aboot the 
 New Zealanders an' the king o' the Cannibal 
 Islands ! my word for 't, there's nae a Wankey 
 Fum amang them a' wi' a face half sae black an' 
 gruesome as Andra's an' mine were that nicht, an' 
 I never saw them ! As we were resolved on ha'ein' 
 some music wi' Tibbie an' Peggy, juist to cheer 
 them up awee, as weel as to gie them a sample o' 
 oor musical abeelities, we tane oor fiddles in oor 
 oxters, an' aff we set to Burleyrackit. 
 
 Oor knock was answered by Tibbie, wha cam' 
 wi' a cruizie in her han' an' opened the door wi' a 
 licht heart an' a smilin' coontenance. But whan 
 Andra an' me presentit oor frichtsome-lookin' 
 fruntispieces till 'er, she gied a piercin' skirl, flang 
 the lampie frae her, an' 'boot ship for the kitchen 
 what she cud bicker. I was ower souple for her, 
 hooever, for I juist banged my arm roon' her neck, 
 tane 'er into my oxter as gin she had been a 
 pockfu' o' feathers, an' plantit a warm, though I 
 doot, an unco blecky kiss on her mou'. I whispered 
 intil her lug at the same time something I kent 
 wad calm her fears an' lead to oor immediate 
 identification. 
 
 Tibbie had been expeckin' to sec us, of coorse, 
 but no in sic an ootlandish guise. 
 
 " Eh, Tarn, ye scoondrel ! " cried Tibbie, recover- 
 in' her breath on seein' wha we were. " Is that 
 you ? But hoo did ye no tell me yesterday ye
 
 A GUIZIN' PLOY 117 
 
 were to hae on that ootreike ? Frichtenin' a body 
 that way ! Feigh ! sic a pictur' ye are. Man, gin 
 ye only saw yersel' ! " 
 
 Seein' she was inclined to say a guid hantle mair 
 to the same effeck, I proceedit to clap an extin- 
 guisher on her loquacity by steekin' up her gab 
 wi' a bunch o' two-lips. Though she made some 
 sma' demur at first, and huild back her head frae 
 mine, yet there were aye twa " comes " for ae 
 " haud awa," in her discoorse, which was juist a 
 feegurative wey o' sayin' " ye may kiss me twice, 
 for aince that ye lat me abee." 
 
 While I was tig-towin' wi' Tibbie i' the lobby, 
 Andra was employed in like mainner i' the kitchen, 
 an' the violence o' the resistance offered to the 
 performance o' the operation was a clear proof to my 
 mind that Peggy was enjoyin' the ploy famously. 
 
 Havin' got ower a' thae preleeminaries we yokit 
 to oor fiddles an' played up the " East Neuk o' 
 Fife," an' the " Diel amang the Teelyours," while 
 the twa bits o' lassies, wi' hearts as licht as flees 
 an' as merry as crickets, set to the dancin' i' the 
 fluir-head like very mad. What wi' Andra an' me 
 fiddlin' an' hoochin' at ilka turn o' the reel, an' the 
 hallokit dames skirlin' at the heicht o' their voices, 
 Burleyrackit was in a bonny uproar that nicht. 
 To see the pair o' them skippin' like maukins i' the 
 fluir-head, wi' their mou's a' bruikit by reason o' 
 the friction they had been subjected till by oor 
 sooty physogs, was truly divertin'. Atween ilka 
 spring they wad fling themsel's doon beside us on 
 the settle, fair oot o' breath wi' the violence o' their
 
 ii8 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 saltatory exerceeses, an' then wad ensue anither 
 roon' o' rooketty-cooin' to the further befylment 
 o' their faces an' runklement o' their ringlets. 
 
 We had been rantin' through the kitchen in this 
 mainner for the feck o' an oor, dreedin' nae skaith, 
 whan juist i' the midst o' the " East Neuk o' Fife " 
 there comes a lood reishil at the front door, which 
 sent a stoon' through oor vitals, an' brocht the 
 hirdum-dirdum to a premature stan'-still. 
 
 " Losh be here ! " exclaimed Tibbie, lookin' unco 
 concerned like, " what can that be ? " 
 
 " Eh," cried Peggy, " I'll wager ony money it'll be 
 Saunders Broganawl's twa soutar chields, for whan 
 I was alang on Saturday nicht, for the Laird's tap- 
 boots, they were speerin' gin he was to be frae 
 hame this week, an' I tauld them he was gaun to 
 Englan'." 
 
 " Impudent scoondrels ! " said Tibbie, tossin' 
 aboot her jet-black curls in prood disdain. " To 
 come an' chap at the big door too ! Haigh I sure 
 ye, the kitchen door micht hae saired them." 
 
 " As it has saired a pair o' better fallows," I 
 observed. 
 
 " Ye may say sae ! " said Tibbie. " Wha cares for 
 them ? Willie Lapstane an' Peter Rozet ! Bonnie 
 messans indeed ! Ane o' them wi' a bool fit, an' 
 the ither gleyed o' an e'e. We want nane o' their 
 company here." 
 
 " Na, feint a bit o't, Tibbie, ae Scoter is eneugh 
 i" the hoose at ae time," put in Andra, alludin" till's 
 ain family cognomen. 
 
 " But, Peggy, it fa's to you to answer the door,"
 
 A GUIZIN' PLOY 
 
 said Tibbie, " sae ye'll better gang an' tell them to 
 gang back the gait they cam', for we dinna enter- 
 teen stragglers here." 
 
 " Eh, Tibbie 'oman ! " cried Peggy, haudin' up 
 her han's an' lookin' the very pickter o' terror, for 
 at that instant the reeshilin' at the door was renewed 
 \vi' tenfauld force an' fury, until we thocht every 
 moment whan it wad gang on its back, " Eh, Tibbie 
 'oman ! I canna gang my lane, for I'm at the very 
 doon-fa'in' wi' fricht ! " an' the puir thing crap as 
 close to Andra as she cud get. 
 
 "Nonsense, 'oman!" exclaimed Tibbie, wi' a 
 greater display o' coorage, though she also hirsled* 
 nearer to me, less for protection, hooever, than oot 
 o' affection, as it were, " ye're no needin' to open 
 the door unless ye like. Juist put yer mou' to 
 the keyhole, an' tell them that gin they dinna pack 
 aft wi' themsel's we'll set Pompey at them, an' gin 
 they gie ye ony chat, ye can pey them back wi' . 
 their ain siller. Juist speer at Willie Lapstane hoo 
 his bool fit is stannin' the frost this winter, an' see 
 at Peter Rozet gin he's aye glowerin' twa airts for 
 Sabbath." 
 
 " Ay, d' ye, Peggy," said I ; " an' ye may add, that 
 gin they dinna sing silent in a jiffey, an' slink their 
 wa's withoot anither word, Andra an' me 'ill be oot 
 an' gie them as soon' a swabblin' as they've had sin' 
 they cud birse a lingan." 
 
 " Will we no than ! " said Andra, steekin' his 
 neives, an' assumin' a look fierce eneugh in a' 
 conscience, seein' his face was mairterit wi' cairt 
 creesh an' pat-bleck. " Come on ! lat's gang a'
 
 i2o TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 thegither, an' see what they've to say for 
 themsel's." 
 
 Sae aff we gaed. Tibbie an' me i' the van, an' 
 Andra an' his flame actin' as a reargaird. Up the 
 stair frae the kitchen, . which was on the under- 
 grun' flat, to the big ha' door we mairched in 
 martial array, Andra an' me prepared to do battle, 
 like valiant knichts, in defence o' oor " lady loves," 
 an' Tibbie an' Peggy equally prepared to do lip- 
 service in their ain behalf. 
 
 A' this while the knocker had been rattlin' on 
 the door, garrin' the haill hoose ring, an' as we drew 
 ^nearer we cud hear the soon' o' a fit yarkin on the 
 timmer. 
 
 " Hoolie there will ye ? hoolic lads ! " I cried, 
 layin' my mou' to the keyhole, " or wad ye like to 
 get yer ain hides weel tanned ? Mind if ye dinna 
 do the tae thing, ye'll get the tither." 
 
 " Bring nane o' yer bool feet an' skellie een this 
 wey ! " cried Peggy, " ye' re no wantit." 
 
 " Pegs, my lads, gin ye dinna tak' yer creep 
 belyve, Pompey'll maybe speak t' ye," added 
 Tibbie. 
 
 As for Andra, he displayed his valour by cryin' 
 oot wi' a majorfu' like tone o' voice, " Come on, 
 Tarn ! come on ! Lat's gie the scoondrels a hidin' ! " 
 
 Havin' in this mainner launched defiance at the 
 heads o' oor unseen veesitors, we stood stock-still 
 for a second or twa, to see what effeck it wad hae, 
 but we had sune cause to rue oor rashness, an' to 
 wish oorsel's far eneugh frac Burleyrackit ! 
 
 " I shay, Buggins," remarked a droosy, whuskie-
 
 A GUIZIW PLOY 121 
 
 feed voice ootside, "isn't thish a-a-a capital joke 
 eh ? That a gentleman like me hie should 
 be denied the entree to-to hish own housh, by 
 Jove ! " 
 
 " Yes, yer honour, a capital joke ! a capital joke 
 indeed ! " was the reply ; " but look'ee, Mr. Bowman, 
 if I were you I'd play the deuce with them servants 
 that I would, look'ee, an' no mistake ! " 
 
 " I shay hie open the door, will ye ? This 
 very inshtant open ! " yelled the whuskyfeed voice, 
 in a stentorian key that garred us a' shak' like 
 winnel-straes. 
 
 " Wha's there ? " inquired Peggy, like to swarf 
 wi' fricht. 
 
 " It'sh Mr. Bowman that'sh there ! " roared the 
 voice, addin', at the same time, a fearfu' aith by 
 wey o' testifeein' to the verity o' the statement. 
 
 " And he must be in," added the ither fallow, 
 firm' aff anither ill-word. 
 
 Sin' that was the wey o't, it was clearly mair nor 
 time for Andra an' me to betak oorsels to safer 
 quarters. Sae doon the stair we boltit an' Tibbie 
 at our heels, leavin' Peggy to face the foe an' thole 
 the dirdum for the haill lot o' 's. 
 
 " Into the kitchen ! Into the kitchen ! " Tibbie 
 cried, " they winna think o' comin' doon here." 
 
 " Haigh ye wadna ken, 'oman ! " said I, " for it 
 cheats me gin the Laird's no the waur o' drink, an' 
 there's nae sayin' what a fou bodie winna do. I'se 
 place the kitchen door atween him an' me, till we 
 see what's to be the upshot." 
 
 " Weel, weel," whispered Tibbie, "juist hover
 
 122 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 aboot a blink, an' I'll gie ye the wink as sune's the 
 fields are fair. Rin noo ! " 
 
 The Laird was by this time rampaugin' aboot 
 in the lobby aboon, like a very diel incarnate. 
 Tibbie's advice to rin wasna oot o' time. Juist as 
 she was utterin' the word, we heard the Laird 
 commandin' Peggy to gang doon instantly an' send 
 up thae fiddler fallows, an' he wad soon settle wha 
 was best at the tannin' an' hidin' business. 
 
 " Send me on that delightful and delicate mission, 
 yer honour," said Buggins. " Why, look'ee, I'm up 
 to that sort of thing ; 'tis my trade, sir, my trade, 
 look'ee, to ketch them rogues an' vagabonds." 
 
 " Your trade," said the Laird, " why, yesh to be 
 shure your trade, Mr. Buggins, you'll fetch 'em up, 
 Buggins, and hie if they ask your authority for 
 sho doing hie juist shay that you have got the 
 warrant of Mr. Nicholas Bowman, J.P. Justice of 
 the Peace, by Jove ! Ay, ay, Buggins, fetch 'em 
 up, and and tell 'em that Mr. Bowman desires 
 partik'larly to see their fiddles. Ha ! ha ! we'll 
 have a tune, Buggins." 
 
 I waitit at the door till I heard Buggins' fit on 
 the stair, and then, turnin' on my heel, I vanished 
 into ooter darkness like a gleam o' fire-flaught.
 
 CHAPTER XII 
 
 THE SPORT SPOILED 
 
 THE unexpeckit return o' Mr. Bowman to 
 Burleyrackit, alang wi' his boon companion, 
 Supervisor Buggins, cam' aboot in this wey. That 
 mornin' on the road to Pettycur, whaur he had 
 intendit to cross the water on his wey to the sooth, 
 he forgaithert wi' Mr. Buggins, wha had been scourin' 
 the kintra side at the head o' a posse o' gaugers 
 in pursuit o' an illicit distillery that was thocht to 
 be carried on in the wild muirlan' territory, sitiwate 
 atween Lawhead an' Clockmydrone. But he had 
 made naething o' his search, an' whan Mr. Bowman 
 met him he was trottin' back to St. Andrews. 
 
 Buggins was acquant wi' a' the alewives i' the 
 roon', an' at his suggestion the twasome slippit 
 awa' to a roadside cheenge-hoose, keepit by ane 
 " Drouthie Nancy." 
 
 A single gill was a' that was thocht o' whan they 
 sat doon, but by-and-by anither gill was staked 
 on the result o' a half-mile race atween the pownies 
 o' the twa gentlemen. Bowman's " Witch o' Fife " 
 cam' in victorious at a canter, while Buggins' " Fire- 
 flee " cam' doon whan within fifty yairds o' the 
 
 123
 
 124 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 winnin' post, coupin' her rider clean ower her 
 lugs. Though sair befyled he was naething hurt. 
 Buggins lost the wager an' helpit to drink the 
 forfeit. Again he wagered, again lost, an' again 
 had his share o' the gill. By the time they had 
 toomed the third stoup, the swats were sae reamin' i' 
 their noddles that it was juist " drink an' draw mair " 
 wi' them the haill day lang, till they were neither 
 able to pech nor lie yont The laird forgot a' aboot 
 his journey to Englan', an' Buggins a' aboot his 
 errand to St. Andrews. After sleepin' aff pairt o" 
 their forenune's debauch by an afternune's siesta 
 under the table, they set oot for Burleyrackit to hae 
 a fresh blaw-oot. They arrived juist as Andra 
 an' me were enterteenin' the bit lassockies wi' oor 
 fiddles, in the mainner describit i' the hinder-en' 
 o' the precedin' chapter. 
 
 Whan I reached the ootside area, I laid my lug 
 to a crackit pane i' the winnock to hear hoo 
 Tibbie an Peggy wad acquit themsel's. I cud hear 
 the Supervisor dreelin' through the kitchen, an' 
 speerin' at the lasses as to the whauraboots o' the 
 minstrel boys, as he styled Andra an me. I was 
 wae for Andra, puir fallow, kennin' that he had 
 hidden himsel' awa in a pantry aff the kitchen 
 amang a Mot o' foul claes. 
 
 " They are on the premises shomewhere," gruntit 
 the Laird, " and out they musht come ! " 
 
 " Out they must come, look'ee," echoed Buggins. 
 
 " You two sluts know where they are you do ! 
 no mishtake about that," said the Laird, turnin' 
 wi' a scowl to Tibbie an' Peggy, wha were sittin' at
 
 THE SPORT SPOILED 125 
 
 the cheek o' the fire, takin' a loop o' their stockin's, 
 an' lookin' as innocent as Eve afore the Fall, never 
 liftin' their een aff their wark. 
 
 " No mistake about that, look'ee," echoed Buggins ; 
 " but I tell'ee what, yer honour, if we don't ketch 
 them young disciples of Orpheus, we can, at least, 
 kiss the nymphs that we can." 
 
 " My certie ! " said Tibbie, bangin' up till her 
 feet, an' assumin' the defensive on seein' Buggins 
 hobblin' towards her wi' his mou' cruckit in kissin' 
 fashion " my certie ! gin ye daur to lay a haun' on 
 me I'se cleave ye wi' the poker, though ! Juist you 
 try't, an ye like ! Ye nasty ill-lookin' rip, 'at ye are ! " 
 
 " Oh, don't be unamiable now pray don't ! " said 
 Buggins coaxin'ly. " Be a good girl, will'ee ? 
 Ton my word you are a beauty without paint 
 you are. Oh, that dear little mouth, how it pouts, 
 to be sure ! How I should like to taste its honied 
 sweetness ! Oh, don't start back, look'ee ! No 
 harm, not in the least, 'pon my honour there 
 ain't. Well, if you take on so, I'll die that I will. 
 Oh, my life, my love, my honey dew, my golden 
 pippin', my sugar plum ! Allow me, if you please 
 now. One just one I'll ask do more, and I'll 
 have no less." 
 
 " Juist daur, an' I'll brain ye ! " persistit Tibbie. 
 
 'Od I could thole nae langer, an', utterly regaird- 
 less o' my ain safety, I knockit my head through 
 the winnock frae the ootside, an' roared oot, " Ye 
 weary, weirldless, ne'er-do-weel vagabond, if ye lay 
 a finger on that young woman, but I'se ding the 
 wind oot o' ye ! "
 
 126 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 " Bravo ! Bravo ! " yelled Buggins, " the fox 
 hasn't broke cover yet. I thought so. But I say, 
 my good fellow, do tell me if you feel quite at 
 home in that there delectable situation ? Daresay 
 not : you would much rayther be hugging this here 
 young damsel than playing the eaves-dropper out 
 there, on this ' raw rheumatic night ' Eh ? But, 
 man alive ! why don't you come in ? Well now, 
 be candid don't you envy me ? / am quite com- 
 fortable, look'ee never felt more so in my life ! " 
 
 A' the time he was pourin' oot this spate o' 
 impiddence, he stood in the middle o' the floor, wi 
 his airms crossed ower his breist, an' his muckle 
 wame thrown oot afore him, like the stucco images 
 o' Bonypartey that the Italian bodies used to carry 
 aboot on their heads on market days. Ne'er a 
 word could I get in, for his tongue gaed like the 
 clapper o' a bell withoot devald. They've an awfu' 
 gift o' speech thae Englishers ! Hoosomever, his 
 paiters cam' to an end belyve, an' forrit he staps to 
 the winnock, lifts the screen, an' glowers through 
 the broken^ lozen. Bein' determined to meet 'im 
 half gaits, I juist clappit my black face within twa 
 or three inches o' his red bedrucken-lookin' coonten- 
 ance, an says I, " D'ye think ye wad ken me again, 
 gin ye were to forgaither wi' me in a wud at the 
 dead oor o' a muneless nicht ? " 
 
 " Angels and ministers of grace defend us ! " he 
 exclaimed, jumpin' back whan the licht o' the 
 cruizie fell upo' my blackened face. "The Foul 
 Fiend himself, I do believe ! The identical per- 
 sonage whom an ingenious exciseman of the name
 
 THE SPORT SPOILED 127 
 
 of Burns, as I have been told, describes as having 
 danced away with a certain revenue officer on a 
 memorable occasion. But I tell'ee what, Mr. Satan, 
 excisemen though I be, you sha'n't dance away 
 with me so easily that you'll discover in a twink- 
 ling, look'ee ! " 
 
 Juist as Mr. Buggins concludit his " address to 
 the deil," the Laird comes wi' a reishil to the kitchen 
 door wi' the view o' takin' me capteeve. Sax 
 gigantic staps landit me at the tap o' the stair 
 leadin' frae the sunken area to the upper warl'. I 
 thocht I had nae mair ado but juist escape to the 
 mountains, but behold the iron yett was lockit ! 
 Here was I in a bonnie perdicament noo. The 
 area was aucht or ten feet deep, an' it was sur- 
 roondit by an iron railin', four or five feet heich, 
 wi' sharp pikes on the tap o't. Hoo was I to get 
 oot ? Anither twa minutes wad seal my doom, for 
 I heard the Laird orderin' Buggins to stan' sentry 
 at the kitchen door, while he slippit roon' by the 
 front door, an' secured the prey. I ran frae side 
 to side o' my den graipin' for a loophole o' escape, 
 but cud fin' nane. 
 
 Kennin' that my time was but short, I made a 
 desperate jump, an' landit on the tap o' the wa'. 
 Anither wallop, an' I wad be ower the railin' an' 
 aff to the hills. But, aha ! the tail o' the sark I had 
 on umost, as a guizin' costume, stuck fast on the 
 iron railin', an' I hang atween heaven an' earth 
 like a malefactor on the widdie. I warselled, an' 
 weegled, an' kickit, like a' that, but withoot effeck, 
 for the claith, bein' o' my mither's ain spinnin',
 
 128 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 an' o' Wattie Wabster's weavin', was as teuch as 
 leather, an' wadna rive. 
 
 " Hanged himself, by Jove ! " exclaimed Mr. 
 Bowman, as he hove in sicht, an' beheld me in a 
 state o' suspense. Opening the yett he sprang 
 doon the staps, turned the key i' the kitchen door, 
 an' alairmed the women-fouk by roarin' oot like 
 a madman, " Hanged himself, Buggins ! Come ! 
 Come ! " 
 
 Oot he banged his whittle, an' whankit aff my 
 sark tail as clean as a leek, while Buggins keppit 
 my corp in his airms, carried it upstairs to the 
 dinin' room, flang it doon on a sofa like a bundle 
 o' clouts, an' a' withoot utterin' a single syllable. 
 
 Tibbie an' Peggy were trottin' aboot hither an' 
 thither, greetin', an' sabbin', an' rivin' their hair, 
 in the belief that I had actually tane my ain life ! 
 Stupit craiters that they were, for I was pro- 
 testin' a' the time as lood as I cud roar that I vvas- 
 na ae hair the waur. But there was ower muckle 
 noise for my words bein' heard. 
 
 Andra, too, he crap frae his hidiehole whan he 
 heard the report o' my death, an' ran to the dinin' 
 room wi' the view o' joinin' in the general moli- 
 grant that was bein' made on my accoont 
 
 " Hanged himself, by Jove ! " repeatit the Laird, 
 fly pin' doon the fragment o' the sark tail that 
 covered my face. " Just look here, Buggins, quite 
 black in the face black as soot ! caused by suffo- 
 cation. I'll have to report the case to the Fiscal, 
 and what am I to say ? And I a magistrate, too ! 
 Bad job, by Jove ! "
 
 THE SPORT SPOILED 129 
 
 " Bad job, by Jove ! " echoed Buggins ; " but 
 there's life in him yet, yer honour. Don't you see 
 him moving ? On my word, if he isn't going to 
 speak ! Let us pour a glass of brandy down his 
 throat to revive him." 
 
 "Yes, a glass of brandy, by all means a glass 
 of brandy ! " roared the Laird. 
 
 "But look here, yer honour," said Buggins, 
 directin' the Laird's attention to Andra, wha was 
 glowerin' in at the room door, " I'm blest if that 
 there chap hasn't been hanging himself too. He 
 has got a precious black face, at any rate." 
 
 "Gentlemen," said I, springin' to my feet, an' 
 edgin' in a word by way o' explanation as soon as 
 I cud do sae for the noise an' confusion, " gin ye 
 think I'm the man that wad lay violent han's on 
 mysel' ye were never farrer mista'en i' yer life. 
 Laith wad I be to do ill, either to mysel' or to ony 
 ither bodie. True, we are here this nicht whaur 
 we sidna hae been maybe, but ye maun ken that 
 this is the guizin' time o' year, an' harmless diver- 
 sion's no forbidden by ony law that I ken o', either 
 human or divine. Me an' my freen' there juist 
 cam' for a while's innocent gilravage, an' therefore, 
 I houp, yer honours winna hinder us frae gaen 
 aboot oor business." 
 
 " A very fair spoken fellow," observed the Laird ; 
 " honest fellows, both of you, I daresay ; and as 
 this is the season of mirth and jollity as you rightly 
 observe, why you must taste of my bottle. Ha, 
 Buggins, what d'you say?" 
 
 " All right, look'ee," said Buggins, wi' a merry 
 
 9
 
 1 3 o TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 twinkle in's e'e. " Taste the bottle, to be sure 
 taste two or three bottles before we part. Splendid 
 fellows ! Why, look'ee, it would be a cryin' sin to 
 send them away this cold night, without giving 
 them summat hot." 
 
 Andra an' me thankit them kindly, an' beggit 
 to be excused, but they wadna be nay-said. 
 
 I didna suspeck at the time, what I afterwards 
 faun' oot, that it was a deep laid plot atween the 
 twa o' them to get Andra an' me filled as fou' as 
 fiddlers, an' that they had got up a' the hullaballoo 
 aboot the hangin' to frlchten Tibbie an' Peggy, 
 an' to meenister to their ain merriment. Back frae 
 the kitchen door aboot saxty yairds was the stable, 
 an' whan there puttin' in their pownies they had 
 heard oor fiddles bummin' an' had made up their 
 minds to hae a nicht's diversion oot o' 's. 
 
 They swore that we wad either hae to pree the 
 drink, or mairch aff to Cupar an' face the Shirra. 
 Choosin' the least o' twa ills Andra an' me ta'en 
 oor places at the table, a great sheenin' mahogany 
 ane, half as big as oor floor-head ^at Buttonhole. 
 The Laird opened a muckle press, an' brocht furth 
 nae fewer than aucht bottles wi' silver muntit 
 corks, an silver medals hingin' roon' their necks, 
 juist as gin they had been a regiment o' sodgers 
 daikered oot wi' honorary distinctions for fetchin' 
 the French. 
 
 The bottles gaed roon' an' roon' the table helter- 
 skelter, an', as nae denial wad be ta'en, it was juist 
 caup oot wi' 's at ilka revolution. Andra an' me 
 wi' oor black faces, piebald turbans, an' white
 
 THE SPORT SPOILED 131 
 
 tunics, were a soorce o' great merriment to the 
 Laird, wha professed to see in us a close resem- 
 blance to the Pagan craitur's he had forgaithered 
 wi' in his Eastern travels. Me he styled the great 
 Mogul, an' Andra was Tippoo Sahib. Maybe we 
 were as like his umquhile faither-in-law, the Nabob 
 Ramagrumphy, but he huild awa frae that subjeck. 
 
 We had ta'en a prievin' o' the brandy, the gin, 
 the rum, an' the twa whiskies, whan the laird an' 
 Buggins left the room wi' the view o' contrivin' 
 what farrer mischief they wad do. Takin' ad- 
 vantage o' their absence I slips awa frae the table, 
 lifts the sash o' the winnock, an' jumps oot to the 
 lawn in front o' the hoose, Andra followin' close at 
 my heels. 
 
 By this time the drink was beginnin' to bizz in 
 oor noddles, an' I felt a strange inclination to 
 speak withoot havin' onything speceefic to say. 
 Whan we were rinnin' across the girss park in 
 front o' the hoose, I thocht Burleyrackit was whirl- 
 in' roon' an roon', while we oorsel's were standin' 
 stock-still. It was mair than I cud do to keep 
 my feet upsides wi' my head, for I felt as if my 
 upper storey was juist at the fleein', whan my 
 shanks were reestin' i' the bit, an' doublin' under 
 the wecht o' my body. 
 
 Andra was naething better than I was, but 
 raither waur, After we had made a forced mairch 
 o' naur three-quarters o' a mile against innumerable 
 obstacles, he ca'd a halt, an' insistit on gaen back 
 to Burleyrackit, to get a fareweel embrace frae his 
 beloved Peggy. I tried hard to show him the
 
 132 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 danger o' takin' sic a rash stap, but, in spite o' a' 
 I cud do or say, he remained obstinately waddit 
 till's ain theorem. Wi' the view o' oxterin' him 
 hame to Snipemire, I kleekit my airm into his, but 
 we hadna gaen aboon sax yairds, whan pairtly 
 owin' to his camsteerieness, an' pairtly to my licht 
 head, we tint oor feet an' ower we whummelt into 
 a gaa-fur. I've a dim recollection o' tryin' to haul 
 Andra up by the shoothers, an' o' tryin' to console 
 'im in regaird to oor doon-come, by gie'in' him a 
 lilt o' the auld sang which says 
 
 " Till the hoose be rinnin' roon' aboot 
 
 It's time eneugh to flit; 
 When we fell, we aye got up again, 
 An' sae will we yet." 
 
 Mair I dinna remember. Neist mornin' whan I 
 wauken'd I was lyin' aboon the claes in my ain 
 bed at Buttonhole, wi' a' my guizin' apparel on my 
 back, wi' a fearfu' drowthie throat, an' a tongue that 
 saured o' saep an' soor soudie.
 
 CHAPTER XIII 
 
 "BILE, WIND, AND INDIGESTION" 
 
 THOUGH Andra an' me had drucken under 
 compulsion, an' no for ony love o' the liquor, 
 yet we had brocht a bonnie disgrace on oorsel's 
 wi' oor daft-like manoeuvres. That Munnonday 
 nicht's ploy very naur proved the dead o' me, afore 
 a' was dune, an' it was the same wi' Andra. 
 
 Whan I waukened an' faun' mysel' in the pickle 
 describit in the last chapter, my feelin's an' reflec- 
 tions were o' the barrel-fever breed. My head was 
 like to rive, an' my tongue was literally cleavin' to 
 the roof o' my mou'. I canna say I saw ony blue 
 deevils glarin' at me frae the bed skelf, but I 
 certainly faun' the worm o' remorse gnawin' at my 
 heart. The obleevion, whaurin a' oor ongaens, 
 subsequent to oor capseezion i' the gaa-fur, were 
 shroodit, added greatly to my distress o' mind. 
 Hoo did I get hame ? an' whan ? were questions I 
 strove to fin' answers till, but, alas, a' was blank ! 
 
 I was wauken'd frae my broon studies belyve by 
 the knock chappin' sax o'clock. By that I kent 
 it was time ( for me to be up an' takin' aff my 
 guizin' graith, gin I didna wish to encoonter my
 
 134 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 faither in that strange outreike. Sae up I got, 
 wash't my face, crap into my duds, an' slippit 
 my wa's up to the needles, as quiet as poussie. 
 By-an'-by I heard my faither's fit on the stair. I 
 expeckit naething less than my lugs i' my loof for 
 my last nicht's wark. 
 
 " Ou, Tarn, ye're up els are ye ? " was the first 
 salutation I got. 
 
 " Imph-m," said I, an' held the needle reekin'. 
 
 " Ye had been raither late o' comin' in yestereen, 
 I'm thinkin' what time was it ? " was his next 
 observe. 
 
 " Dinna ken," said I ; <( but judgin' frae the 
 gatherin' coal ye maun hae been beddit a quarter 
 o' an oor or sae. I juist barred the door an' gaed 
 to my bed, withoot lookin' the knock." 
 
 " Ay, ay," said he, " that had been aboot half 
 twal o'clock. That's raither late for the like o' 
 you bein' oot, an' it winna do often that kind o' 
 wark, but I houp ye were at nae ill pratts Andra 
 an' you ? " 
 
 " Ou, na," said I, " there was nae ill dune, that I 
 ken o'." 
 
 " Weel, weel, laddie, if there was nae ill dune 
 there's the less skaith. But, mind, it winna do 
 for yer mither an' me to gang to oor beds ilka 
 nicht an' leave the bar oot o' the door. We micht 
 get the hoose rubbit." 
 
 " But I sanna bid ye do that," I replied ; " Handsel 
 Munnonday only comes aince in a year." 
 
 Sae there wasna anither cheep said aboot it, an' 
 I was gled the business had blawn ower sac easily.
 
 "J3ILE, WIND, AND INDIGESTION" 135 
 
 Andra cam' owerby i' the gloamin'. My faither 
 bein' i' the barn threshin' oot a pickle aits for 
 fodder to the coo, we had full leeshince to compare 
 notes as to oor recollections o' the previous nicht's 
 adventures. Andra was as obleevious o' what had 
 happened after the gaa-fur doon-come as I was 
 mysel'. In anither respeck, hooever, he had been 
 less fortunate than me, for his faither had sat up 
 waitin' his hame-comin', an', of coorse, he had gotten 
 a fearfu' roon' o' flytin'. It was actually atween 
 twa an' three i' the mornin' whan he landit at 
 Snipemire, an' it cudna hae been muckle oot or in 
 o' that whan I reached Buttonhole. Sae daised 
 an' doitrifeed had he been wi' the sup drink too, 
 that he was utterly unable to lift the sneck, for 
 whan his faither, hearin' him smechlin' ootside, 
 cam' an' opened the door, Andra, wha had been 
 leanin' his back forgainst it, played slap bang a' 
 his lang length into the hallan. 
 
 Dauvit Sooter was a canny, sober, weel-livin' 
 carl, an' nae wonder though he was sorrowfu' to 
 see sic a sicht The first thing he did was to haud 
 up baith his han's, an' exclaim, " Maist la-ment- 
 able ! Andra Sooter drunk ! " Andra got 's kail 
 through the reek wi' a vengeance, an' weel deserved 
 a' that he got. 
 
 " An' that's no the warst o't, man," said Andra, 
 " for I was at the smiddy this afternune gettin' the 
 pownie frostit, an' what d'ye think they were 
 tellin' me?" 
 
 " A curn lees maybe. Naethin' aboot you an' 
 me bein' drunk, I houp."
 
 136 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 "Weel, weel, ye've juist guess't it, Tammy, for 
 it was juist that The smith has gotten hauds o' the 
 haill story, an' he was jawin' me aboot it like a' 
 that. I denied as weel as I cud, but the smith 
 said it was nae use denyin', because he had seen 
 us wi' his ain een, half gaits atween the Manse an' 
 the Horse Shoe Inn, about eleven o'clock at nicht, 
 an' that we were gaen cleekit into ilk ither's airms, 
 an' sweyin' aboot frae side to side o' the road, as 
 fou' 's we cud haud." 
 
 " Atween the Manse an' the Horse Shoe Inn, 
 Andra ? That was a far wey oot o' oor road. Man, 
 I dinna believe a word o't ! " 
 
 " An' the smith says that Mrs. Snifters tauld 
 him we had been in her hoose frae nine till half- 
 past ten o'clock, an' 'at we had drucken a half 
 mutchkin o' rum atween us." 
 
 " A parcel o' lees ! " said I. 
 
 " An' mair than a' that," Andra proceedit, " juist 
 whan they were gaen their lengths aboot it, in 
 comes Saunders Broganawl for a pair o' cuddie- 
 heels an' tippence worth o' tackets, an' he said hoo 
 he had been tauld by twenty different fouk, wha 
 had the very best means o' kennin', that we had 
 been at the Manse a little after eleven o'clock, an' 
 had been sae abstrapalous in oor behaviour that 
 Mr. Gowlanthump had been under the ncedcessity 
 o' sendin' for Geordie Mortclaith to help him to 
 pack us to the door." 
 
 " Gude sake, there maun be something in't ! " 
 said I solemnly, " for they cud hardly hae made up 
 a' thae palavers oot o' hill an' heap wad ye think ? "
 
 "BILE, WIND, AND INDIGESTION" ,, 
 
 " Na, na," said Andra, shakin' his head dubiously, t 
 " there maun be aye some water whaur the stirkie 
 droons." 
 
 " Troth, I dreed ye're richt there, Andra. But, 
 dear me, I dinna d'ye mind onything aboot thae 
 pranks ? " 
 
 " Weel-a-wat no, man, feint foondit do I mind 
 aboot them, mair nor the child unborn, but I doot 
 they're ower true, though." 
 
 " Haigh I'm beginnin' to think sae mysel'," 
 said I. 
 
 "Ay, but there's something mair," continued 
 Andra, " for juist as Broganawl was tellin' 's story, 
 in cam' John M'Briar wi' his pleugh irons ower his 
 shoother, an' I cud hae sworn, as sune as I got a 
 glisk o'm, that he was primed to the tap o' the 
 thrapple wi' some confoondit clashes." 
 
 " Oh sorra tak' 'm," said I, bringin' my knockles 
 doon on the buird wi' sic a thud that the very skin 
 cam' aff them. " Sorra tak' 'm, for he'll be sure to 
 mak' a sang aboot it." 
 
 " 'Deed that's no to do," remarkit Andra ; " for 
 the sang's made up already, an' the smith has a 
 copy o't in's pouch." 
 
 " An' did Broganawl get a copy o't too ? " 
 
 " 'Deed he did that, an' thae bool-fittit, blinkin'- 
 eed snabs o' his hoo they wull be rejoicin' ! " 
 
 '"Od that's the warst o't a', man, for we'll be 
 made lauchin' stocks o' through the haill pairish ! 
 An' what'll Tibbie an' Peggy say whan they hear 
 tell o't? But what were the words o' the sang, 
 Andra ? Did ye see or hear them ? "
 
 138 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 " I baith saw an' heard ower muckle aboot them," 
 said Andra, heavin' a deep sigh an' pu'in' a bit 
 reekit paper frae his oxter pouch. " An' here is 
 a copy, Tarn, gin ye be curious to see what it 
 says." 
 
 Sae he handit the paper to me, an' though it 
 was naither weel spelt nor weel written, I managed, 
 wi' Andra's help, to read as follows 
 
 RUSTIC COURTSHIP. 
 A BALLAD. 
 
 Ance on a time twa gallant swains 
 
 Gaed furth upo' the spree ; 
 An' they wad to yon castle go 
 
 The lassies for to see. 
 The tane he was a tailor bred, 
 
 As I hae heard it tauld ; 
 The tither (to complete my rhyme), 
 
 He was a ploughman bauld. 
 
 The tailor's name was Bodkin Tarn, 
 
 Frae Buttonhole he came ; 
 The ploughman, he at Snipemire lived, 
 
 An" Andra was his name. 
 Their cleedin' was as linen white, 
 
 Their faces black as coal ; 
 Twa sweeter nosegays never blumed 
 
 Within a Buttonhole. 
 
 Oh when they reached the castle door, 
 
 An' tirled at the pin, 
 Their ladye loves leuch lood for joy, 
 
 An' raise an' let them in. 
 "An" hoo's my darlin' Tibbockie?" 
 
 The tailor he did cry; 
 " An' hoo's my winsome tailor lad ? " 
 
 The maiden did reply.
 
 "BILE, WIND, AND INDIGESTION" 139 
 
 " What cheer, what cheer, my Peggy dear ? " 
 
 The ploughman he did say; 
 " Ou brawlie, thank ye, Snipie man ! " 
 
 Replied the maiden gay. 
 Oh then oor gallant gentlemen 
 
 Into the hall did go, 
 An' fiddled, while the lasses tript 
 
 On light fantastic toe. 
 
 But oh! Alas! an' lack-a-day ! 
 
 For sic a set o' stupids ! 
 A Bowman cam' an' shot a shaft, 
 
 Was keener far than Cupid's. 
 The ploughman in a press did hide; 
 
 Sauf s ! hoo his heart was quailin' ; 
 The tailor near-hand hanged himsel', 
 
 When crawlin' ower a railin'. 
 
 The Bowman tane them ben, an' doon 
 
 He banged the whuskey bottle ; 
 An' there they sat, an' there they drank, 
 
 Till baith o' them were dottle. 
 As blin' as bats they tane the gait, 
 
 But tint themsel's ootricht ; 
 An' landit at the Horse Shoe Inn, 
 
 At nine o'clock at nicht. 
 
 Syne to Mess John's they twasome hied, 
 
 Where they did rant an' roar, 
 An' kiss the servant queans, an held 
 
 A maist tremendous splore ; 
 Till Gowlanthump cam' doon, his face 
 
 Wi' wrath as white as snaw, 
 An' threatened, if they didna flit, 
 
 To tak' them to the law. 
 
 Neist ower the kirkyaird stile they lap, 
 
 Wi' mony a frichtsome yell, 
 An' whuppit doon the tow, an' rang 
 
 Auld Geordie Mortclaith's bell.
 
 140 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 They fled at last amid a storm 
 
 O' divots, sticks, an' stanes ; 
 But where they gaed, an' hoo they fared, 
 
 The Gudeness only kens ! 
 
 Havin' read the document twice ower we sat 
 silent for some time, takin' a mental survey o' the 
 case, an' at last Andra clew his head, an' speered, 
 " What d'ye think o' that, Tarn ? " 
 
 " No very muckle ! " said I, " but it's a bad job. 
 Andra min, an' as sure's death there'll be a shindie 
 aboot it ! Gin we'd only haen the wut to haud 
 awa' frae the Manse ! " 
 
 "That's the warst-lookin' bit o't a', Tarn," re- 
 turned Andra, sighin' like the wind through a 
 keyhole on a drifty nicht. 
 
 " An' Mr. Gowlanthump ! " said I, sighin' likewise, 
 " I wonder he hasna been ower aboot it ! But 
 maybe he didna ken us, min. We'll juist believe 
 sae, at ony rate, an' never lat on." 
 
 " Dinna ye try to cheat yersel' into that belief, 
 Tarn, for he baith kent us an" ca'd us by oor 
 names, or else John M'Briar tells lees." 
 
 The soon' o' my faither's fit on the stair 
 warniced us to cheenge the subjeck. 
 
 "Ou, Andra, laddie, ye're there, are ye?" said 
 my faither, as he put his head inside the door. 
 " Ony news wi' ye the nicht ? " 
 
 " Feint a muckle I hear," was Andra's reply. 
 " Ony wi' ye yersel' ? " 
 
 " Weel things are geyan slack enoo," said my 
 faither. "Ye had been up geyan late last nicht,
 
 "BILE, WIND, AND INDIGESTION" 141 
 
 I'm thinkin'," an' glancin' slily at him he addit 
 wi' great emphasis " like some mae folk. It was 
 half twal afore Tarn cam' in." 
 
 " Ay, weel, he had been hame a wee suner 
 than I was," said Andra, winkin' pawkily across 
 the buird to me. 
 
 Andra judeeciously divertit the crack intil anither 
 channel, by remarkin' that as he was sair in want 
 o' an ilka day's coat, he cudna do better than juist 
 get himsel' measured for ane there an' than. This 
 business settled, Andra remarkit that it was wearin' 
 near horse-supperin' time, an' he wad need to be 
 stappin'. 
 
 " Ye'll be ower on Friday nicht ? " cried I, as he 
 was depairtin'. 
 
 " Ay, will I," said Andra ; an' awa' he gaed. 
 
 A' that nicht my words were few but my thochts 
 were mony. My sad an' solemn looks didna escape 
 my mither's observant e'e, an' she gi'ed it as her 
 opeenion, judgin' frae vaurious symptoms, that I 
 was in for anither attack o' the malady she had 
 cured by the salts an' senna aboot a twalmonth 
 previous. 
 
 Howbeit, as she was greatly forfouchten wi' 
 preparations for my brither Jock's wa' gang neist 
 mornin' to Glesca, to begin his apprenticeship 
 to the haberdashery vocation, under Uncle John 
 Muckhawkie, a claith merchant, in the famous 
 Saatmarket o' that city, wha had sent a kindly 
 invitation till's namesake to join the staff o' his 
 immense establishment, she had nae leisure to set 
 aboot the auld cure that nicht, but said she wad
 
 142 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 wait till she sid see what a new day wad bring 
 furth. 
 
 Truly that nicht I micht hae said i' the words 
 o' the auld sang, 
 
 " When I sleep I dream, 
 When I wake I'm eerie." 
 
 In veesions o' the nicht I foucht a' my battles 
 ower again. Bowman an' Buggins appeared in the 
 form o' twa immense monsters, o' a genus no 
 to be fund describit in Goldsmith's " Earth an' 
 Animatit Natur," but wi' cloven hooves, saucer- 
 een, an' horns i' their heads. Noo I was danglin' 
 frae an iron railin', an' then was I waukent by 
 the tinkle-tankle o' Geordie Mortclaith's bell. I 
 had a dreedfu' nicht o't ! 
 
 I' the mornin' early we were a' asteer. My 
 faither was to gang to Glesca to sign Jock's 
 indentur'. Whan pairtin, my mither laid her han' 
 on Jock's head, an' bestowed on him her blessin'. 
 My sister Chirstie clung till 'im an' grat hersel' 
 half blin', an' I but mair I needna say. Dark an' 
 cauld though it was I convoyed him aboot twa 
 mile across the Whunny Muir, an' then wi' tearfu' 
 een I turned an' left him turned back to pursue 
 my allottit path through life, an' left him to 
 follow his ! 
 
 That was a dowie forenune at Buttonhole. My 
 mither gaed oot an' in scarce kennin' what she was 
 doin'. Her mind was wholly engrossed wi' thochts 
 o' her bit laddie, an' hoo he wad widdle through 
 the warl' amang the fremyt, wi' a' their guile an'
 
 " BILE, WIND, AND INDIGESTION" 143 
 
 strategy to lead astray the unwary. I sat i' the 
 garret my liefu' lane, chawin' the cud o' repentance 
 for what I had dune, an' expectin' every moment 
 whan Mr. Gowlanthump wad be in to lodge a 
 complent against me, an' sair me wi' a summons 
 to appear afore the Kirk Session. 
 
 My gloomy expectations were fulfilled to a 
 leeterality. Aboot mid-day Mr. Gowlanthump's 
 chap cam' to the door. I cudna be mista'en it 
 was his ain weel-kenned rat-tat-tat only mair 
 energetic than ordinar', as befitted the errand he 
 was on. At the unwelcome soon' the seam fell 
 frae my han's an' my han's to my sides, as gin 
 I had been smitten by a sudden stroke o' the palsy. 
 Ower my breist there cam' a pricklin' feelin', juist 
 as gin I had swallowed a livin' hedge-hog, an' it 
 had been makin' a voyage o' discovery through a' 
 my inside. 
 
 Little Chirstie cam' up belyve an' said I was 
 wantit doon to speak to my mither. Awa I gaed 
 snoolin' wi' my chin restin' on my collar-bane, my 
 face as red as the fire, an' my haill bouk trim'lin' 
 frae tap to tae like an aspen leaf. A glisk o' the 
 meenister was eneugh to show that his mission had 
 mair to do wi' joodgment than wi' mercy. 
 
 " What's this ye've been doin', Tarn ? " began 
 my mither, half-greetin'. " Ou ay, there's guilt 
 pickter't on yer very coontenance ! " 
 
 1 scorned to lee. The truth I tauld, " uncarin' 
 consequences." I laid special emphasis on the fack 
 that I had been filled fou', an' that sair against my 
 will, by the Laird an' Buggins. The holy man
 
 144 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 grained inwardly at the mention o' thae graceless 
 scamps, an' remarkit that they wad hae muckle to 
 accoont for at the Day o' Joodgment. 
 
 " I see," said his reverence, " that your fall is 
 owing to a stumbling-block laid in your path by 
 the chosen servants of the Great Enemy. You 
 have been caught like a bird in the snare of the 
 fowler. Be thankful that you have escaped with 
 your life. Beware of the Old Serpent for the future. 
 Go and sin no more ! " 
 
 Up I creepit to the garret wi' a feelin' o' as 
 muckle thankfu'ness i' my heart that I had got 
 absolution for my serious offence, as gin I had 
 fa'en heir to a great estate. My mither besocht 
 Mr. Gowlanthump no to say ocht aboot the busi- 
 ness to my faither, for that it wad only breed dis- 
 peace i' the hoose withoot makin' amends for a 
 faut, nor to let on to Dauvit Sooter aitherns, for 
 that Andra, as he had heard me relate, had naur 
 gotten his lugs i' his loof aboot it already, an' to 
 baith o' her requests the venerable divine kindly 
 consentit. 
 
 Andra cam' ower, as he had promised, on 
 Friday nicht, an' awa we gaed to get oor weekly 
 musical lesson frae Blin' Archie. Havin' left 
 oor fiddles at Burleyrackit whan we fled on the 
 Munonday nicht, we had to ca' in for them i' the 
 byegaen. 
 
 It was wi' a quakin' heart I descendit to the 
 kitchen door. Cautiously did I chap, an' briskly did 
 Tibbie respond. I expeckit naethin' less than that 
 she wad hae ta'en me in her airms, an' dawtit me
 
 "BILE, WIND, AND INDIGESTION" 145 
 
 as ane risen frae the dead, but aha ! I faund her 
 as cauld as ice an' as hard as yettlin'. 
 
 " Ou, ye'll be wantin' yer fiddles are ye ? " said 
 she, geyan dry an' short like. " Peggy, bring oot 
 their fiddles i' yer han' there." 
 
 " Ye're unco short the nicht," said I. " What's 
 wrang wi' ye ? " 
 
 " Ou, I'm as lang's I was on Munonday nicht," 
 she replied tairtly, " an' I never was better i' my 
 life. Ye'll be to land at the Manse the nicht as 
 usual. The minister's lasses are far to the fore o' 
 Peggy an' me, but ye're welcome to yer choice, 
 Tarn, for me." 
 
 " Ou, aye, ye can gang to the Auld Haiks for 
 ought we care," addit Peggy, handin" oot the 
 fiddles, an' tossin' her head as heigh as ye like, 
 " an' that's juist tellin' ye, for we're nae sae hard up 
 for lads as to need to tak' onybody's leavin's." 
 
 " Weel-a-wat no ! " addit Tibbie, " for we cud 
 get a dizzen o' joes gin we like, whaur ane'll sair 
 us." 
 
 " Ou aye," said Peggy, as she clashed to the door 
 wi' a ruddie that garred the haill hoose ring, an' 
 whuppit in the bar at the same time to keep us at 
 the staff's end. 
 
 Behold the fruit o' that mad frolic o' oors ! It's 
 neither ae misfortune nor twa that comes o' that 
 drink, but a' the ills that ever fallowt ane. 
 
 Andra an' me daunder'd up the area staps as gin 
 oor noses had been bluidin'. We were baith angry 
 an' wae to think that the jauds sid hae the con- 
 science to cast us aff like a pair o' worthless 
 
 10
 
 I 4 6 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 bauchles, for nae ither rizzen than that we had 
 been misfortunate eneugh to kiss the minister's 
 lasses, whan we cudna be said to be accoontable for 
 oor actions. If fouk wad only tak' a charitable 
 view o' their neebor's fauts an' failin's it wad lift 
 frae mony a bleed in' bosom an untauld wecht o' 
 woe an' meesery !
 
 CHAPTER XIV 
 
 THE VALENTINES 
 
 I SUNK faun' oot that whan Tibbie sent me on 
 a rovin' commission in pursuit o' anither sweet- 
 heart, she had said raither mair than she meant. 
 I cud read that in her een at the Kirk on the 
 followin' Sabbath. I noticed that she was aye 
 gleyin' slily towards me, whan she thocht I wasna 
 lookin' at her, an' aye heavin' the ither deep- 
 drawn sorrowfu' sigh. Fouk aften do an' say 
 things in a hurry that they repent o' at laiser, an' 
 sae it had fared wi' Tibbie an' Peggy. They were, 
 in very deed, juist like to bite aff their fingers that 
 they had been sae rash as to lichtlie Andra an' me, 
 for naething ava, except that we had, sair against 
 oor will, letten the sup drink get the better o's for 
 aince in oor lifetime. I daursay they expeckit 
 us to present oorsel's afore them in sackclaith an' 
 ashes, beggin' them for mercy's sake to vouchsafe 
 us a look o' benignity an' compassion. But gin 
 they were cherishin' ony thochts o' that kind they 
 were very far mista'en. They had ta'en the first 
 word o' flytin' wi' us, an' we were determin'd that 
 they sid hae the honour o' makin' the first muve 
 towards a reconceeliation.
 
 148 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 Sae at the skaill o' the kirk Andra an' me passed 
 them i' the Loan, an' even rubbit shoothers wi' 
 them i' the by-gaen, but never did we alloo oor 
 een to licht on them. Vexed though I was aboot 
 the ootcast, I yet managed to preserve a wonderfu' 
 calm coontenance under this affliction. 
 
 It had been a greater trial to Andra an' me to 
 haud up oor heads i' the congregation in presence 
 o' Mr. Gowlanthump, Geordie Mortclaith, the 
 servant hizzies at the Manse, the smith, an' a' the 
 lave o' them, wha were conversant wi' oor guizin' 
 exploits, an' wha sat glowerin' at us the haill 
 forenune as gin we had fa'en fra the gled's feet, 
 than it had been for us to gie the cauld shoother 
 to the twa dorty-pouches we had passed wi' sae 
 little ceremony i' the Loan. 
 
 Naething by-ordinar' happened durin' the next 
 week or twa. Andra an' me gaed to Archie's, an' 
 got oor lessons on the Friday nichts as usual, but 
 returned withoot makin' oor usual call at Burley- 
 rackit. The twa dames we saw aince a week 
 at the kirk, but we never let on that we saw 
 them. Reports were rife that they had been seen 
 crackin' at the kitchen style wi' Saunders Brogan- 
 awl's journeymen, an' the coachman was said to be 
 layin' a' oars i' the water to get roon' aboot Tibbie. 
 Andra got unco fidgetty on seein' hoo maitters 
 were like to gang, an' had it no been for me he 
 wad hae gane snoolin' in aboot them again o' his 
 ain accord. That was juist the very thing they 
 wantit, but what simple snotters wad we hae been 
 had we performed kotow afore their fitstools !
 
 THE VALENTINES 149 
 
 " No ae stap, Andra ! " said I, whan he was for 
 haulin' me in aboot wi' him, ae nicht as we were 
 passin' Burleyrackit on oor way hame frae Blin' 
 Archie's. " No ae stap will I gang near them ! 
 The sun an' the mune an' the eleven stars may be 
 turned back as in the days o' Joshua, but I winna 
 budge a fit oot o' the bit no for the best woman 
 that ever stappit in leather shoon. They'll speak 
 to me first, or I'll tyne my senses. Saucy jauds 'at 
 they are ! " 
 
 This display o' firmness was a' frae the teeth 
 forret, hooever, for deep doon in my bosom's ben- 
 most core there lay the eemage o' ane it was as im- 
 possible for me to forget as it wad hae been to flee 
 frae my ain shadow. I've everly made the observe 
 that whanever I've been weighed doon by grief, 
 or heezed up by joy, parteek'larly whan the women 
 fouk hae had a han' i' the pie, I've aye been 
 subjeck to a fit o' the poetics. The breakin' aff 
 o' amicable relations atween Buttonhole an' Burley- 
 rackit was ane o' the saul-harrowin' epochs in my 
 existence that demandit to be waddit to immortal 
 verse ! 
 
 Durin' the month that the estrangement lastit, 
 I composed as muckle crambo-jingle as wad 
 hae earned for me a decent poetical reputation, 
 had the quality o' the verse been commensurate 
 wi' its quantity. The followin' sample o't Tibbie 
 abstrackit frae my oxter-pouch on ane o' my first 
 veesits to Burleyrackit, after the ratifications o' the 
 treaty o' peace had been duly excheenged atween 
 us,
 
 150 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 THE LOVER'S LAMENT. 
 
 'A WOFUL BALLAD MADE TO HIS MISTRESS* EYEBROW." 
 
 Shakespeare. 
 
 My Tibbie's face, my Tibbie's form, 
 
 My Tibbie's raven hair ! 
 Tween Forth an' Tay nae bonnie May 
 
 Wi' Tibbie can compare. 
 But wow alas ! I'm sair distrest, 
 
 The jaud has ta'en the gee ; 
 An' noo my Tibbie's slae-black een 
 
 Will blink nae mair on me. 
 
 Wi' mony a blithsome winnin' way 
 
 My heart she did trepan ; 
 Inconstant, she has rendered me 
 
 A melancholy man. 
 Awa ye scentit flowers o' spring, 
 
 Nae pleasures can ye gie! 
 For oh, my Tibbie's slae-black een 
 
 Will blink nae mair on me. 
 
 The blackbird in the buddin' thorn, 
 
 Hoo lichtsomely he sings ! 
 The laverock frae the grassy howm, 
 
 Hoo joyfully he springs ! 
 Would I could sing as blythe as they! 
 
 But no ! that canna be ; 
 For oh, my Tibbie's slae-black een 
 
 Will blink nae mair on me. 
 
 A' day I wander like a ghaist 
 
 That canna be at rest ; 
 A' nicht I toss on bed, like ane 
 
 Wi' guilty fears opprest. 
 Ill cross the Ocean's faem, I will, 
 
 Or lay me doon an' dee ; 
 Unless my Tibbie's slae-black een 
 
 Blink couthily on me.
 
 THE VALENTINES 151 
 
 I' the gloamin' o' the day after this piece o' 
 extravagance had been putten thegither I was 
 sit:in' toastin' my taes at the kitchen fire, afore 
 lichtin' the cruizie for the nicht, whan in comes auld 
 Robbie Sma' grainin' under the wecht o' his wallet. 
 He plantit himsel' doon beside me on the muckle 
 creepie. Robbie was ane o' the privileged gaber- 
 lunzie men, aince sae rife in maist pairts o' the kintra. 
 He vas a native o' Aberdeenshire, but havin' come 
 sootii in the early pairt o' the century wi' a drove 
 o' Heelan' nowte he had settl't doon i' the East 
 Neut, whaur he set up in business, first as a cadger, 
 an' finally as a sturdy beggar. His coat was o' 
 mom colours, an' hang doon half-gaits till's heels. 
 Hidcen awa in its skirts were twa immense pouches 
 that were generally crammed fou' o' aitmeal ban- 
 nocki, whangs o' skim-milk cheese, an' dauds o' fat 
 beef in' pork. On his feet were a pair o' marrow- 
 less tauchles, through which his black corny taes 
 peepii at sundry openin's, like a cleckin' o' mice 
 frae aneth the edge o' a divot. Add till's chin a 
 lang g'izzly beard, that hung doon ower his breist- 
 bane, in' hadna been pruned by sheer or razor for 
 a series o' years, clap on's pow a blue bannet, as 
 big an roon' as a barn wecht, an' put intill's neive 
 a sturdy hazel rung, as lang as hirnsel', an' ye'll 
 behold an effigy o' auld Robbie Sma'. 
 
 " YeVe here again, Robbie," says I till 'im as he 
 cam' stumpin' ben the hallan. " Whaur cam' ye 
 frae ? " 
 
 "Ou, ye'll guess whaur I've been last, ony wey, 
 whan ys see this," said Robbie, as he banged his
 
 152 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 han' into anc o' his capacious pouches, an' whuppit 
 oot a little square broon paper parcel, neatly tied 
 up wi' a bit blue threed, an' sealed wi' a thumble. 
 This he stappit into my han', whisperin* at the 
 same time, wi' an air o' great confidence, that I 
 wad need to keep it oot o' sicht. 
 
 " Wha is't frae ? " I speered, slidin' it under my 
 waistcoat. 
 
 " Ye ken wha ! " whispered Robbie, winkin' 
 signeeficantly. " Burleyrackit, ye ken ! I was there 
 this afternune. But losh, haud yer weisht, or yer 
 mither'll hear us ! " 
 
 Havin' got Robbie on the crack wi' my nither, 
 wha had come in after some o' her bits o' trokes, 
 I lichtit the cruizie an' ran up to the garret My 
 heart was loupin' like a troutlet newly oot o' its 
 native element I felt that the oor, big w ? fate 
 to mysel' an' Tibbie Monypenny, had a: last 
 struck ! If Tibbie were still obstinate an' thawart, 
 then fareweel, an eternal fareweel to a' thochts o' 
 a reconceelation on this side o' the grave, for 1 
 micht dee, but a hair's breed I wadna buc'ge, no 
 even to save my life ! But if, on the ither han', 
 she were complowsible an' willin' to listen to the 
 words o' wisdom an' affection, then hail ! 11 hail, 
 the happy oor that restored her aince mail to my 
 airms, for I felt that I could baith forgie an forget, 
 
 an' lo'e her a' the mair warmly that oor he 
 been sindered for a wee whilie. 
 
 I sat contemplatin' the ootside o' the bi 
 
 rts had 
 
 parcel, 
 
 fleyed to open it lest it micht prove to be anither 
 Pandora's box, frauchtit wi' a' the ills that ever
 
 THE VALENTINES 153 
 
 fallowt ane, an' withoot even the glint o' houp at 
 the bottom. I examined the hand-wreat o' the 
 direction. I smelt the wax whaurwith the package 
 was sealed, an' faun' it to be naething mair nor 
 less than a bit o' the fiddle rozet I had tint at 
 Burleyrackit in the hurry-skurry o' the Handsel 
 Munonday business. I inspeckit the blue threed 
 that was twined roon' the parcel, an' bein' satisfeed 
 in my ain mind that Tibbie had wat her fingers on 
 her tongue afore castin' the knot on't, I actually 
 raised it to my lips, an' kissed it ! Then did I 
 lift my sheers an' clip asunder the threed o' fate, 
 an' there lay before my entranced gaze what wad 
 ye suppose ? Juist ane o' Tibbie's raven ringlets ! 
 The very treasure I had been thrainin' aboot for 
 lang an' had never been able to procure ! I was 
 transportit wi' joy ! Od, it's almost worth yer 
 while to hae a bit tiff wi' yer sweetheart that ye 
 may enjoy the luxury o' the subsequent recon- 
 ceeliation. 
 
 But there was mair than the ringlet i' the paperie. 
 There was also a valentine, whauron was depictit, 
 in gaudy colours, a representation o' Tibbie an' me 
 standin' in an avenue o' trees, through which there 
 appeared in the distance the steeple o' a village 
 kirk, wi' a goose perched on the tap o't for a vane. 
 Ane o' my airms was twined roon' her neck ane 
 o' her hands was lockit in ane o' mine an' oor lips 
 were in close contact. On the brainch o' a tree 
 aboon us, an' within half an inch o' my hat, sat a 
 pair o' doos billin' an' cooin'. On an altar sitiwate 
 in ane o' the corners o' the pickter lay twa hearts
 
 154 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 nailed thegither wi' an arrow. An' to croon a', 
 Cupid, wi' bow in ban', an' quiver on curpin, 
 cowered ahent a tree stump, wi' ane o' his thooms 
 at the neb o's nose, an' lauchin' like a' that. At 
 the bottom o' this ingenious pictorial design were 
 the followin" lines in Tibbie's hand-wreatin', 
 
 " As sure's a gun 
 
 'Twas a' for fun 
 That I did lichtlie you; 
 
 Forget, forgie 
 
 Puir witless me, 
 For this will never do ! 
 
 " Come back, come back, 
 
 To Burleyrack, 
 On Friday nicht at nine ; 
 
 Let byganes be 
 
 Byganes wi' me, 
 An' be my Valentine!" 
 
 TIBBIE. 
 
 Sae deeply was I buried i' the contemplation o' 
 the valentine that I didna notice my faither's fit 
 comin' up the stair. Or ever ye cud hae said sax, 
 he had the raven ringlet in's hand, an' was adjustin' 
 his spartickles to gie it a narrow inspection. The 
 valentine, hooever, I managed to keep oot o' his 
 clutches. That was a special mercy, for gin he 
 had gotten his four een upon 't, it wad hae latten 
 oot the poother, an' nae mistak'. 
 
 " Oho, Tarn ! ye're no gaen to set up in the hair 
 collectin' line, are ye ? " he remarkit, keekin' pawkily 
 into my face. " That's very bonnie, Tammy, my 
 man, a bonnie teat o' hair indeed an' I admire 
 yer taste, but what sile did that crap grow on ava ? "
 
 THE VALENTINES 155 
 
 This question I only answered wi' a grane, an' 
 huild doon my head like an evil-doer. Sae sair 
 was I affrontit at bein' fun' oot, that I thocht every 
 moment whan I wad drap through the floor. 
 
 " Guid wife ! " said he, cryin' doon the stair to 
 my mither, " come here an' see this." 
 
 " Up cam' my mither wi' Chirstie at her heels, 
 an' hoo the three o' them did gawg on aboot the 
 harlie o' hair ! Afore a' was dune, I was little frae 
 growin' real angry at them, for I didna like bein' 
 made a lauchin' stock o'. An' Chirstie too, the little 
 smatchet, had to lay in her word anent the ringlet, 
 makin' a pretence that she kenn'd mair aboot 
 whaur it cam' frae than was generally supposed ! 
 
 I cud thole their jeerin' an' aff-takin' nae 
 langer. I whiskit the ringlet oot o' Chirstie's han', 
 an' to the door I gaed, till I sid come to mysel' 
 awee. 
 
 At the end o' the hoose I forgaithered wi' Andra 
 Sooter, wha had come post haste to inform me 
 that he had gotten a valentine an' a lock o' hair 
 frae Peggy seemilar to what Tibbie had sent to me. 
 I had never afore seen Andra sae heich as he was 
 that nicht. He was like to loup his lane wi' joy at 
 the thocht o' meetin' aince mair wi' his beloved 
 Peggy. I couldna blame him sair, for 
 
 " A fellow-feelin' mak's us wondrous kind." 
 
 On the Friday nicht Andra an' me landit at 
 Burleyrackit raither afore the oor agreed on, an' 
 met wi' a reception warmer than we had ever 
 experienced afore, cordial as had been oor welcome
 
 156 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 for ordinar'. Tibbie was greetin' an' lauchin' time 
 aboot, an' Peggy the same. Andra an' me were 
 in duty bound to show some sma' emotion like- 
 wise, to be neebor-like as it were, an' truly the 
 display o' feelin's a' roon' was maist movin' to 
 behold ! 
 
 Explanations, that were votit perfectly satis- 
 factory on baith sides, were excheenged in regaird 
 to oor unlucky interview wi* the meenister's servant 
 queans, as also in regaird to Saunders Broganawl's 
 men an' the coachman chiel', an' sae we left 
 Burleyrackit that nicht happier far than ony king 
 that ever wore a croon.
 
 CHAPTER XV 
 
 TIT FOR TAT 
 
 A BOOT the time I'm speakin' o', Mr. Bowman 
 had in his service a gamekeeper fallow, an 
 Englishman o' the name o' Sproggles, wha was 
 never sweer to play tricks on fouk whan he thocht 
 he cud do sae withoot havin' to pey the penalty 
 due to his impiddence. Ned Sproggles, though he 
 cud hardly tell a B fra a bull's fit, an' was guid 
 for naething but exterminatin' vermin, professed to 
 haud us norlan' bodies in great contempt, as bein' 
 void o' the nateral smeddum belangin' to the fouk 
 born an' brocht up to the sooth o' Cheeviots. But 
 if we dinna chatter awa like a wheen jay-pyats as 
 they do, we yet hae a curn qualifeecations o' oor ain 
 that mair than mak' up for oor defeeciencies in 
 ither respecks. 
 
 Sproggles had ta'en up a special ill-will at my 
 faither an me, because we had to threaten him wi' 
 the Shirra afore he wad pey for a suit o' claes we 
 had gi'en him on credit. The debt had been 
 cawkit doon against his name on the inside o' the 
 press lid, whaur it had stood for a twalmonth an' 
 mair. Ye canna do a waur turn to some fouk
 
 158 1AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 than seek yer ain frae them, an' Sproggles was ane 
 o' that kind. He paid the siller wi hangit ill-will, 
 an' frae that moment he swore to hae day aboot 
 wi's if he cud. He keepit aye a fair face till's 
 whan we chanced to forgaither, but ahent oor backs 
 he was aye busy meditatin' mischief. 
 
 Ae day, my faither an' me were ower-bye on the 
 Whunny Muir castin' divots for repairin' the roof 
 o' the swine's cruive, whan Sproggles mak's his 
 appearance, wi' his gun in's oxter an' a cleckin' 
 o' dogs at's heels. He began a lang claiver aboot 
 his dogs an' his game, an' tauld us hoo he had 
 shot a brock some days previous, an' had sent it 
 aff to St. Andrews as a donation to the College 
 Museum. 
 
 " But, I say, Mr. Bodkin," he remarkit as he was 
 turnin' on his heel to gang awa, " them poacher 
 fellows are playing the deuce with the game about 
 here, so if you see any suspicious-looking fellows 
 hanging about that are likely to have a relish for 
 hare soup, I'll take it kind if you watch their 
 movements and let me know." 
 
 " Weel-a-wat," replied my faither, in a joc'lar 
 sort o' wey, " I'se do nae sic thing, for gin I had 
 my will o' yer beasties, I wad mak' short wark wi' 
 them. Yer hares invade my kail-yaird under clud 
 o' nicht, an' eat up my curlie plants as fast as they 
 grow. If I cud but lay my hands upo' them I 
 wad knock their wind oot. Ye had better look 
 oot for anither protector o' yer vermin, gin ye 
 dinna mean to send a tod to watch yer shecp- 
 fauld."
 
 777 FOR TAT 159 
 
 " You don't mean to turn poacher, d'ye ? " said 
 Sproggles. 
 
 " Weel," returned my faither, makin' a lauch o' 
 the thing, " I sanna gang far oot o' my gait to seek 
 after yer cutties, but I wadna advise them to come 
 ower near me, an' that's no sayin' what I wad do 
 or what I wadna do." 
 
 Awa gaed Sproggles mutterin' something till 
 himsel', though what it was we cudna mak' oot, but 
 it was naething very guid. 
 
 Ae mornin' early, aboot a week after this inter- 
 view, Sproggles, alang wi' anither ill-lookin' fallow, 
 cam' to Buttonhole, an' chappit at the door. My 
 faither was juist newly oot o's bed an' was sittin' 
 afore the fire drawin' on's stockin's. Hearin' the 
 knock he gaed to the door to speer what was 
 wantit. 
 
 " Dear me ! " exclaimed my faither, " ye're early 
 asteer this mornin'." 
 
 " Why, you know, Mr. Bodkin," said Sproggles, 
 " there is an old saying, 
 
 'Early to bed, and early to rise, 
 Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.' " 
 
 " Ay, an' there's anither ane," my faither replied, 
 "that says, 
 
 ' Early birds catch the worms.' " 
 
 " Yes," returned Sproggles, bitin' his lip an' 
 pryin' impertinently into my faither's face, "and 
 late ones have sometimes been known to catch 
 hares and hide them in the cow-byre."
 
 160 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 " Mr. Sproggles, ye're speakin' in parables noo, 
 surely," said my faither. 
 
 " Would you show me into your cow-byre, if you 
 please, Mr. Bodkin?" said Sproggles quizzically. 
 
 " I carena though the king himsel' saw the inside 
 o' my byre," returned my faither ; " an' gin ye can 
 find ought in't belangin' to ye, ye'se be welcome to 
 tak' it." 
 
 " We'll see about that," said Sproggles, glowerin' 
 to his companion wi' a triumphant chuckle. 
 
 Havin' put his feet intil's bauchles, my faither 
 led the wey to the coo-byre, followed by Sproggles 
 an' the ither billie. 
 
 " I say, Morgan, is this the door you saw the 
 two fellows enter with them hares you were speak- 
 ing about ? " speered Sproggles, addressin' the ill- 
 faured rascal wha was standin' at his elbock wi' 
 doon-cast e'e, the very pickter o' an ill-doer. 
 
 " The 'dentical door," said Morgan ; " I'll swear 
 to it." 
 
 Morgan stappit up into the toom sta', an' there, 
 sure eneugh, he faun' four dainty cutties, wi' the 
 brass wire girns still roon' their necks. 
 
 As Morgan was bringin' them furth, Bruckie 
 (the coo), wha had been flypin' back her lugs in 
 her neck, an' glowerin' unco raised like at the 
 sicht o' the twa strange veesitants, liftit ane o' her 
 hin' feet an' lent Morgan a clink on the shin banes 
 wi't He played klyte oot a' his length amang the 
 shairin'. 
 
 " Ye see I'm right, Mr. Bodkin," said Sproggles, 
 after he had helpit Morgan till's feet. "Oh, I'm
 
 TIT FOR TAT 161 
 
 up to all them dodges, so you needn't try to 
 cheat me." 
 
 " Weel," said my faither, quite dumbfoondert, as 
 it were, at the turn things had ta'en, but conscious, 
 nevertheless, o' his innocency, " I canna deny that 
 ye've gotten the cutties, but I defy ye to say they 
 were laid there either by me or mine." 
 
 By this time my mither an' me had gane oot to 
 the byre to see what was what, an' whan I hove 
 in sicht, Sproggles gi'es Morgan a jundie wi' his 
 elbock, an' said, " Isn't this young man one of them 
 two fellows you saw with the hares, Morgan ? " 
 
 " Yes," replied Morgan. " He was one of the 
 two as I see'd." 
 
 " Good ! " chuckled Sproggles. " And wasn't this 
 here t'other gentleman," pointin' wi' his thoom to 
 my faither, " the other of the two you saw with 
 them hares ? " 
 
 " I'll swear he was." 
 
 " You are quite sure them are the parties you 
 saw leap out of the wood with the four hares ? " 
 
 " Yes, I'll swear they was." 
 
 " And you followed them to Buttonhole, and 
 saw them enter this here cow's house with the 
 hares ? " 
 
 " Yes, I'll swear I did." 
 
 " And you afterwards saw them enter Mr. Bod- 
 kin's dwelling house and shut the door ? " 
 
 " Yes, I'll swear I see'd them," said Morgan. 
 
 " Well, that'll do ! " said Sproggles, snappin' his 
 thooms. " Morgan, take you two of them hares 
 over your shoulder, and I'll take the other two ; " 
 
 ii
 
 1 62 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 an' turnin' to my faither, he said, " you'll hear more 
 about this business by-and-by." 
 
 "If hard swearin'll sair yer turn," said my faither, 
 " I dootna but my guilt'll be fully established. I 
 winna be the first innocent person that has suffered 
 a wechtier punishment than ony ye can impose, 
 an' I winna be the hin'most, gin sae be the warl' 
 lasts lang eneugh. But, oh, ye hae muckle to answer 
 for, you, Sproggles, an' that wauf-lookin' widdiefu' 
 ye've suborned to do yer dirty wark ye hae 
 muckle sin to accoont for ! But I'm no withoot 
 houps that the Almichty will, even in this warld, 
 bring licht oot o' darkness, an' deliver them that 
 are ready to perish ! " 
 
 I had never afore heard my faither utter his 
 sentiments wi' greater unction. He spak' frae the 
 heart, an' the heart is the best teacher o' elocution. 
 Sproggles an' Morgan slunk awa abashed afore the 
 prophet-like fervour o' his words. 
 
 That day there was little wark wrocht at Button- 
 hole either upstairs or doon. My faither wandert 
 oot an' in like a distrackit craitur'. My mither 
 trottit aboot the hoose doin' little but dichtin' her 
 een. For mysel', I felt sae throu'ther like that feint 
 a thing o' wark kind cud I settle to do. 
 
 In the afternoon my faither flang on's coat, an' 
 awa he gaed to the Manse, to tak' coonsel wi' Mr. 
 Gowlanthump as to what sid be dune. The oot- 
 come o' the conference was; that his Reverence sent 
 aff a letter to his man o' business in St. Andrews, 
 a wreater o' the name o' Penman famous in his 
 day for clearin' up kittle cases inveetin' him to
 
 TIT FOR TAT 163 
 
 come to Buttonhole an" concert measures for de- 
 fendin' oor cause afore the Justice o' Peace Coort. 
 
 Next day Mr. Penman cam' drivin' oot in's 
 coach, wi' ane o' his clerks to scribe till him, an' 
 landit at the Horse Shoe Inn. He mentioned to 
 Mrs. Snifters the objeck o's visit, an' lucky it was 
 that he did sae, for frae her he got a piece o' infor- 
 mation that made the case as plain as a pikestaff 
 in oor favour. Havin' precognosced Mrs. Snifters 
 an' her servant lassie, an' made arrangements for 
 their attendance at the coort, as witnesses for the 
 defence, Mr. Penman cam' alang to Buttonhole an' 
 tauld us we micht keep oor minds easy, as he was 
 sure he wad be able not only to bring us aff wi' 
 fleein' colours, but even to cairry fire an' swird into 
 the enemy's camp. This news was like caller water 
 to oor thirsty souls, an' sae we awaitit the upshot 
 o' the maitter wi' perfect composure an confidence. 
 
 Early in the followin' week a couple o' Shirra 
 Officers, wi' juist twa haill airms atween them 
 veesitit Buttonhole an' summonsed my faither an' 
 me to appear afore the Justice Coort at St. Andrews, 
 on a day an' date specifeed, to answer for the crime 
 laid to oor chairge. Mr. Penman was carefu' to 
 hae Mrs. Snifter an' her servant lassie cited as 
 witnesses on oor behalf. 
 
 Whan the day o' joodgment dawned, my faither 
 an' me an' oor twa witnesses set aff to St. Andrews 
 in Dauvit Scoter's cairt. It was wi' fear an' trem- 
 blin' that, on bein' ushered into the Coort Room, 
 we saw Mr. Bowman cockin' on the bench as ane 
 o' oor judges. A bonny story indeed for him to
 
 164 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 sit there an' act the double pairt o' prosecutor an 
 judge ! But it didna maitter a flee in oor case, for 
 the evidence in oor favour was ower strong an' 
 conclusive to be nay-said. 
 
 My faither an' me on bein' placed at the bar 
 pleadit " not guilty." Proof bein' ca'd for, Morgan 
 stappit forrit an' tane the aith. 
 
 His story was, that he had been employed by 
 Edward Sproggles, gamekeeper at Burleyrackit, to 
 watch the preserves, that he had been on duty on 
 the nicht whereon the four hares were ta'en in a 
 certain plantin 1 on the estate aforesaid, that he had 
 seen my faither an' me lift the hares, cairry them 
 to Buttonhole an' put them into the coo-byre, that 
 he gaed next mornin' wi' Sproggles to Buttonhole, 
 whaur they faun' the hares lyin' in a toom sta'. 
 
 Mr. Penman tairged him tichtly in the cross- 
 examination, an' garred him shak' in's shoon afore 
 a' was dune. 
 
 Sproggles was the next witness, an' he backit jap 
 Morgan's evidence in its main features. Moreover, 
 he tauld hoo my faither had threatened, some time 
 previous to the theft, to knock the wind oot o' 
 every hare that daured to set a fit on his property, 
 an' that he (Sproggles) had lang suspeckit the 
 Bodkins, faither an' son, o' bein' concerned in 
 violatin' the game-laws. 
 
 This was the haill case for the prosecution, an' I 
 cud see that Mr. Justice Bowman an' his twa 
 keepers were lookin' as gin they were cock-sure o' 
 sendin' my faither an' me sax months to jail. 
 
 " Call Mrs. Snifters," cried Mr. Penman.
 
 TIT FOR TAT 165 
 
 Mrs. Snifters bavin' muntit into the witness-box, 
 which she did wi' a great fecht, owin' to the 
 unwieldy size o' her corporation, Mr. Penman 
 proceedit to question her as to what she kent 
 aboot the maitter." 
 
 " You know the parties at the bar," began Mr. 
 Penman. 
 
 " As weel as I ken mysel'," replied Mrs. Snifters, 
 " an' I never kent them to be ither than a decent, 
 honest, Gude-fearin' family." 
 
 " You also know these two persons ? " said Mr. 
 Penman, pointin' to Sproggles an' Morgan. 
 
 "Aye do I weel do I ken them," was Mrs. 
 Snifters' reply. 
 
 " Tell us, my good woman, what you know 
 about them in connection with this case," proceedit 
 Mr. Penman. 
 
 "Weel, they've been guid customers o' mine, 'an' 
 I wadna like to wrang them, but I'se tell the truth, 
 as I'm bun' to do, be the consequences what they 
 may. They were in my hoose drinkin' wi' John 
 Jehu, Mr. Bowman's coachman, late on the nicht 
 afore this poachin' story brak oot, an' Jenny, the 
 servant lassie, an' me, bein' in a closet afif the room 
 whaur they were sittin', we overheard a' they said, 
 though they neither saw nor heard us." 
 
 " Aye, Mrs. Snifters, what was the purport of 
 that conversation? tell me that," said Mr. 
 Penman. 
 
 " Weel, they were usin' a guid hantle o' ill-words, 
 that I wadna like to be repeatin' ; but we heard 
 them makin' their observes aboot Tammas Bodkin's
 
 1 66 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 fouk. Sproggles there, said hoo he wad like to get 
 a mends o' Mr. Bodkin for threatenin' to bring him 
 afore the Shirra aboot the peyment o' some duds 
 he had got, an' the coachman, he said hoo he wad 
 like to get a girn in young Tarn's neck, for puttin' 
 him oot wi' Tibbie Monypenny." 
 
 " And who is this Tibbie Monypenny ? " inquired 
 Mr. Penman, gie'in' me a sly wink, which garred 
 my cheeks turn het. 
 
 " Ou, she's juist the laundry lassie at Burley- 
 rackit," said Mrs. Snifters, lauchin' ; " an' Tarn 
 Bodkin there, the fouk says that he's Tibbie's 
 sweetheart, an' that Jehu the coachman wad gi'e 
 ony money to get Tarn set aboot's business, an' 
 the coortship atween Tibbie an' him broken aff." 
 
 I was far frae expeckin' a' thae revelations to be 
 made in a coort o' justice, afore sae mony fouk, an' 
 ye may be sure I tane a brawred face to mysel.' 
 The sweetheart business was news to my faither, 
 though he had been beginnin' to suspeck something 
 o' the kind was gaen on, especially sin' he saw the 
 glossy coal-black ringlet in my possession. 
 
 " Well, Mrs. Snifters, and what more idid you 
 hear ? " was Mr. Penman's next question. 
 
 " Ou, juist that they wad put their vengeance 
 oot on the Bodkins, by garrin' folk trow that they 
 had been takin' the Laird's hares. Sproggles was 
 to provide four maukins wi' girns roon' their craigs, 
 an' Morgan was to cairry them to Buttonhole under 
 clud o' nicht, an' lay them doon i' the coo-byre. 
 It was settled that they were to gang back to 
 Buttonhole early neist mornin', an' chairge the
 
 TIT FOR TAT 167 
 
 twa Mr. Bodkins wi' the unleisome possession o' 
 the game, an' that Morgan was to swear through 
 thick an' thin that he saw them tak' the cutties, 
 an' a' the rest o't." 
 
 This evidence was corroborratit in its minutest 
 parteek'lars by Jenny the servant lassie at the 
 Horse Shoe. Mr. Gowlanthump, wha had come 
 to watch the case on the pairt o' the Kirk Session, 
 whaurof my faither was a member, testifeed to the 
 Christian worth an' moral rectitude o' the panels at 
 the bar. Sproggles' man o' business foucht hard 
 an' sair, by cross-questionin', to damnifee the 
 testimony that had been gi'en in oor favour, but it 
 proved a case o' " Love's labour Lost," for Mrs. 
 Snifters an' her servant lassie stak to their aver- 
 ments like burrs. 
 
 The evidence bein' closed, flaimin' speeches were 
 delivered by the ^especteeve agents, wha rypit up 
 the facts o' the case to the very bottom an' laid 
 them oot in the order they thocht maist advan- 
 tageous to the interests o' their clients. 
 
 The Justices, havin' laid their heads thegither for 
 a wee, the President, Mr. Bowman, intimatit the 
 deceesion o' the Coort, to the effeck that the panels 
 were innocent o' the crime they had been chairged 
 wi', an' that they left the bar withoot a single stain 
 adherin' to their characters. 
 
 As for Sproggles an' Morgan, wha had been 
 standin' shakin' i' their shoon while the Coort was 
 deliberatin', a warrant was grantit at the request o' 
 Mr. Penman for their immediate seizure, on a 
 chairge o' perjury an' conspirin' against His
 
 168 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 Majesty's liege subjects. They were nabbit there 
 an' than, an' mairched aff to limbo atween twa 
 officers. 
 
 Thus did we, in the coorse o' Providence, escape 
 like birds frae the net o' the fooler. 
 
 Mr. Bowman, by his upricht conduck on this 
 occasion, raised himsel' a hunder per cent, in my 
 estimation. Though a coorse Christian in some 
 respecks, yet he wasna withoot some redeemin' 
 qualities. 
 
 Sproggles an' Morgan were tried afore the Lords 
 at the ensuin' Perth Circuit Coort. Fund guilty 
 by the unanimous verdict o' the Jury, they were 
 baith sentenced to auchteen months on the tread- 
 mill.
 
 CHAPTER XVI 
 
 THE BEGINNIN' O' SORROWS 
 
 SIMON PATCH was a thochtless, guid-natur'd 
 loon, that my faither had for an apprentice 
 whan I was a bairn. Havin' endit his apprentice- 
 ship, an' gotten a' the insicht my faither cud 
 gi'e 'im, Simon set oot on's travels into foreign 
 pairts, wi' the praiseworthy intention o' perfectin' 
 himsel' in the sublimer mysteries o' his profession- 
 He visited Edinbro', Glasgow, Perth, an' Aberdeen, 
 sojournin' maybe for twal or auchteen months in 
 each place, an' keepin' an e'e on whatever seemed 
 unco, until he had pickit up a warl' o' information 
 that cudna be had itherwise than by searchin' 
 for't, as ye wad seek for a grain o' wheat in a 
 pockfu' o' caff. In process o' time he managed to 
 scraip thegither a wheen bawbees, an' syne he 
 bethocht him o' a wife, an' a business o's ain. 
 
 In the spring o' the year on which I enter't on 
 my apprenticeship he marriet a buxom dame wi' 
 a hunder pounds o' a tocher, an set up business 
 on's ain accoont in the toon o' Dundee. Simon 
 prospered bravely. The fame o's needle-craft 
 brocht him in mair wark than he cud weel wag wi'. 
 
 169
 
 i ?o T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 He had to get first ae apprentice an' syne anither, 
 an' lastly a journeyman an' a foreman. To recruit 
 the health o' mind an' body, that were apt to brak 
 doon amid the cares an' toils o' business, Simon 
 wad come ower to the East Neuk in the simmer 
 time, whan wark was slackest, an' live for a week 
 or twa wi' his wife's fouk, an' he never was there 
 withoot spairin' a day to veesit his auld freen's at 
 Buttonhole. Simon had aye somethin' new to tell 
 in regaird to the fashions, whaurof we, livin' in oor 
 ain canny wey, in a kintra place, far frae the head- 
 quarters o' taste an' refinement, wad hae remained 
 in utter ignorance, but for his valuable hints an' 
 instructions. 
 
 Ane o' Simon's veesits, hooever, was the means 
 o' leadin' me into a bonny hobble. Had my ex- 
 perience o' the mischiefs arisin' frae the drap drink 
 on the occasion o' my guizin' ploys at Burleyrackit 
 an' the Manse been consultit this chapter wad 
 never hae needit to be written, seein' that the 
 events herein recordit wad never hae ta'en place. 
 
 It happened ae mornin' a wee afore the beginnin' 
 o' hairst that Simon stappit in juist as we were 
 sittin' doon to breakfast. 
 
 " Simon Patch, nae less ! " cried my faither, 
 bangin' up in the midst o' the ' grace afore meat,' 
 an' drawin' on his blue an' white strippit Kilmar- 
 nock nichtcap. " Hoo's a' wi' ye, man ? What's 
 brocht ye sae early oor gait this het mornin' ? 
 Like to rhynde the very creesh aff my banes ! 
 That bit garret placie o' oors as ye may weel 
 mind, Simon is as het i' the simmer time as the
 
 THE BEGINNIN' <7 SORROWS 171 
 
 oven whaurin Nebuchadnezzar thocht to roast 
 Shadrach, Meshach, an' Abed-nego. Tarn an' me 
 were thinkin' we wad need to cast oor sarks till't 
 gin the heicht o' the day. Dear me, Simon, hoo 
 the sweat's pourin' ower yer nose ! " 
 
 " Ye see," said Simon, dichtin' the weet frae his 
 neb wi' a grand red an' white silk napkin, " I tane 
 the road betimes that I micht hae the cool o' 
 the day to walk in, itherwise I mieht hae been 
 smoored wi' the heat. But I had anither reason 
 for bein' early to the gait this mornin', for I maun 
 be aff again by mid-afternune, as I'm gaun roon' 
 by St. Andrews to see a man wha has been awin' 
 me the price o' a suit o' claes for better nor a 
 twalmonth, an' I wad like to see gin the siller can 
 be gotten oot o' 'm." 
 
 " Guid wife, hae ye onything i' yer bottle ? " in- 
 quired my faither. " Gi'e Simon a toothfu' amang 
 a sup water to cool him. Yea, Simon, an' ye're 
 gaun awa again by mid-afternune are ye ? Cud 
 ye no stey yer fouroors ? " 
 
 " Na ; I daurna do that," returned Simon, tossin' 
 aff the dregs o' his whuskey an' water, " for ye ken 
 that wad throw me late in gettin' to St. Andrews, 
 an' the man I'm wantin' to see, bein' a dancin' 
 maister, micht be awa to his schule afore I cud get 
 hauds o' 'm." 
 
 " A dancin' maister, d'ye say ? " said my faither. 
 " Od thae gentry maun be a' tarred wi' ae stick, 
 for there was a chield ca'd M'Kickie " 
 
 " The very fallow I want ! " said Simon. 
 
 " Oho ! he's been pilkin' your pouches too has
 
 r 72 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 he ? " said my faither, wi' a lood guffaw, " I thocht 
 that rogue wad hae been dead or banished by this 
 time, but it'll be lang or the deil dee at a dyke- 
 side. It's a year or twa sin' he was here aboot, an' 
 he left a stinkin' odour ahent him. The vagabond 
 ran up a bonny bill wi' Mrs. Snifters, for bed, buird, 
 an' drink, an' syne awa he skirtit withoot speerin' 
 her price, forbye cheatin' his scholars Tarn amang 
 the rest oot o' the half o' their fees, which he had 
 gotten forehandit." 
 
 " Gin that be the naitur' o' the man," said Simon, 
 " my chances o' peyment are but sma', but gin I 
 canna mak' him dowse doon the siller, I'se gar him 
 tak' a red face aboot it, at onyrate." 
 
 " Muckle he'll care for yer flytin'," observed my 
 faither. 
 
 In the coorse o' the cracks that followed, my 
 faither tane occasion to tell Simon aboot the raven 
 ringlet he had seen in my possession at the valen- 
 tine time, an' hintit at the probabeelity o' his tynin' 
 my services afore lang, as I wad be needin' an 
 establishment o' my ain. Simon leuch heartily, 
 an' remarkit that it was best for fouk to mairry 
 whan they were young sae that they michtna need 
 to rock the cradle wi' their spartickles on. 
 
 " But wha is that sweetheart o' Tarn's ? " inquired 
 Simon. " Do I ken her, or no ? " 
 
 " 'Deed ye wad be wiser than I am gin ye kent 
 that ! " replied my faither, " for Tarn has never 
 tauld me, in sae mony words, wha she is." 
 
 " But I ken wha she is, though," said my sister 
 Chirstie, wi' an airch twinkle in her e'e. " She's juist
 
 THE BEGINNIN' O' SORROWS 173 
 
 Tibbie Monypenny ane o' Laird Bowman's servant 
 lasses owerbye at Burleyrackit. That's wha Tarn's 
 lass is." 
 
 " Aweel," said my faither, " she is a decent guid- 
 lookin' quean, an' come o' a respectable family ; 
 an' gin baith o' them are pleased, I'se no raise 
 ony obstacles to the marriage, come aff whan it 
 may." 
 
 After denner Simon pu'd oot's watch, an' ob- 
 served that it was time for him to be stappin', as 
 he had a lang road afore 'im, an' wad likely be 
 hindert for an oor or twa in St. Andrews. My 
 mither opened the cupboard lid, brocht furth the 
 lang-whaup-neckit bottle, an' gied him a stirrup- 
 dram afore leavin'. 
 
 Up to this point Simon's veesit had been, to ane 
 an' a' o's, a source o' unmixed pleasure. But here, 
 alas ! the " inch o' joy " endit, an' the " ell o' annoy " 
 begoud. We a' convoyed him roon' to the end o' 
 the hoose, an' there he tane fareweel o' the ithers, 
 but me he inveetit to gang wi' him through the 
 fields a bit for what reason he didna say, nor did 
 I speer. 
 
 On arrivin' at the Horse Shoe Inn, Simon gaed 
 in to speer for Mrs. Snifters. He was curious to 
 hear what she wad say aboot Mr. M'Kickie, sae in 
 we gaed an' chappit for a gill. O' M'Kickie's 
 character Simon heard little calculatit to encoor- 
 age the houp that he wad be able to bring him to 
 a satisfactory settlement o's bill. 
 
 " But," remarkit Mrs. Snifters, " an ye get yer 
 siller, Mr. Patch, ye'll be sure an' gi'e me the hint,
 
 174 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 an' I'se try if it isna possible to screw my bawbees 
 out o' 'm too, for they've been lang eneugh awin' 
 noo. Fouk wha can pey, an' winna pey I've 
 juist nae patience wi' them ava ! But ye're no to 
 gae, Mr. Patch, withoot preein' my bottle." 
 
 Awa waddled Mrs. Snifters to a wa' press, an' 
 brocht furth her ain private bottle, whaurin she 
 keepit a sup o' the very best an' strongest brandy 
 that cud be had, for the enterteenment o' sic 
 special freen's an' favourites as micht chance to 
 drap in. Whan Mr. Gowlanthump veesitit the 
 Horse Shoe in a pastoral capacity, he aye got a 
 cawker oot o' that bottle afore leavin'. Indeed, the 
 rumour gaed that, in the latter pairt o' his meenistry, 
 he was far mair attentive to the speeritual concerns 
 o' Mrs. Snifters than he was to the eternal weelfare 
 o' half the parish besides. Onyhoo, it wad hae 
 contreebitit greatly to my comfort gin Mr. Gow- 
 lanthump had haen my share o' the brandy in's 
 wame, for what wi' the toothfu' my mither had 
 gi'en us, the gill Simon an' me had ordered an' 
 paid for on oor ain joint accoont, an' Mrs. Snifters' 
 " private an' confidential " dram, I was rendered a 
 bonny lad belyve ! 
 
 As for Simon, he wasna muckle better than I 
 was, for we werna half a mile awa frae the Horse 
 Shoe afore he began to stoiter in's walk, an' to 
 tyne control ower his tongue. By-an'-by we fell 
 in wi' an' auld wife shearin' girss on the road side, 
 an' Simon wad gie her a saxpence to buy snuff wi', 
 but insistit on receivin' compensation in the shape 
 o' half o 1 dizzen o' kisses, which he valued at a
 
 THE BEGINN1N' a SORROWS 175 
 
 penny apiece. Had she been young an' bonny, as 
 he remarkit, he wadna hae grudged a saxpence, 
 or even a shillin', for a single smourich ; but, as she 
 wantit her fore-teeth, had a snuffy drap at the neb 
 o' her nose, an' displayed an unco stiff beard roon' 
 her mou,' gin she got a penny for ilka smack, he 
 mainteen'd, she had nae cause to complain. The 
 wifie leuch like mad at Simon's bargain-makin', 
 but, expressin' hersel' weel content wi' his terms, 
 an' protestin' her inabeelity to mak' a saxpence 
 easier, she huild up her teethless gab for him to 
 kiss. I wonder't if he wad really hae the stammack 
 to put his lips to hers, but he had mair wut left 
 him than to carry the joke that length. 
 
 " Na, na," said Simon, slippin' the saxpence intil 
 her loof, " ye'll juist be awin' me the kisses till we 
 next forgaither." 
 
 " E'en's ye like ! " quoth the wifie ; " but ye 
 needna be sae saucy wi' a body. I've seen the day 
 whan better-lookin' fallows than ever ye were, or 
 ever will be, wad hae gi'en the very lugs oot o' 
 their heads for a blithe blink o' my e'e but whan 
 fouk grow auld they come to be little thocht o'. 
 But mony thanks t'ye for the next saxpence, for 
 I'm sure o' this ane." 
 
 Strivin' wi' a' oor micht an' main to preserve a 
 straucht-forrat coorse, Simon an' me knoitit oor 
 wa's on the road to St. Andrews. It was a' very 
 weel for him, for ilka stap we tane brocht him 
 nearer to his destination ; but as for me, every stap 
 carried me farrer frae mine. Had I been wise, I 
 wad hae bidden him guid-bye, an' held awa' hame
 
 176 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 to Buttonhole, whan we left the Horse Shoe. But 
 the sup drink was fizzin' i' my noddle, an' whan fouk 
 are half-fou' what will they no do ? The short an' 
 lang o't was, that we had reached the ootskirts o' 
 the city afore the absurdity o' the thing struck me, 
 an' by that time it was hardly worth while to turn 
 back withoot seein' the upshot o' Simon's interview 
 wi' M'Kickie. 
 
 Simon had learned that M'Kickie was sojournin' 
 at a tavern in the neeborhood o' the harbour, an' 
 thither \ve direckit oor staps. Passin' through the 
 East Port, we noticed a handbill on the wa', an- 
 nouncin' that the " Temple of Terpsichore " was in 
 full swing at the Anchor Tavern, an' it wound up 
 by statin' that fees had to be peyed in advance. 
 
 " Ay," observed Simon, after we had spelled 
 through the placard, " he's a blowstin' idiot, I can 
 perceive, but we'll gae to the ' Anchor,' an' see 
 what he has to say aboot the siller he has been 
 awin' me for mair than twa years noo." 
 
 Awa we gaed to the Anchor, an' in we mairched 
 withoot ony ceremony. Whan passin' alang the 
 lobby I got a glisk o' M'Kickie standin' i' the 
 bar-room makin' merry wi' ane o' the servant 
 queans. I saw his coontenance fa' whan his een 
 lichtit on Simon an' me. 
 
 Simon rang the bell an' ca'd in a gill, which was 
 brocht by M'Kickie's bar-room acquantance a 
 fat, roon'-faced, bouncin' dame. 
 
 " Is there ane M'Kickie lodgin' here ? " inquired 
 Simon, as the kimmer placed the whuskey on the 
 table.
 
 THE BEGINNIN' CT SORROWS 177 
 
 "Mr. M'Kickie?" said she. "Ay, but we ca' 
 him the Professor." 
 
 " Weel," said Simon, " is the Professor on the 
 premises ? " 
 
 " Na, he's no in enoo." 
 
 " Didna I see him standin' haiverin' wi' ye i' the 
 bar-room as we cam' past ? " I interposed. 
 
 " Ay, maybe ye did," she said, haudin' doon her 
 head an' lookin' blate like ; " but he's juist gane 
 oot, an' he winna be back for half an oor." 
 
 "Ye'll send him in whan he comes than," said 
 Simon, " for I maun see him." 
 
 " Imph-m," quoth the lass, an' awa she gaed. 
 
 As for Simon an' me, we sat patiently discussin' 
 oor gill, thinkin' every moment whan the Professor 
 wad be in ; but feint a Professor made's appear- 
 ance. We ca'd in anither gill, an' still there was 
 nae word o' 'm. An oor had passed awa, an' 
 houp was gradually yieldin' to despair. What 
 were we to do ? Sit there a' nicht ? Simon rang 
 again an' in cam' the lassie. 
 
 " Nae word o' that Professor man yet ? " inquired 
 Simon. 
 
 " 'Deed no," said the lassie ; " he's no come yet, 
 an' I canna think what can be keepin' him 
 aitherns." 
 
 "Bring in anither gill," said Simon. The gill 
 was brocht. By this time I felt my head rinnin' 
 roon' aboot, an' I had a strong inclination to fa' 
 asleep. I cud neither see nor hear very distinctly. 
 Simon too was waxin' remarkably loquacious. 
 He wad hae me to sing a sang to keep us oot o' 
 
 12
 
 178 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 langer. I strak up the " Bonnie Lass o' Burley- 
 rackit," Simon beatin' time on the table wi' the 
 bottom o' the gill stoup, but whether I feenished the 
 lilt or no is mair than I can tell. I becam' quite 
 dottle, an' tint a' recollection o' what follow't. 
 
 *
 
 CHAPTER XVII 
 
 GREAT TREEBULATIONS 
 
 NEXT mornin', I was gaun to say, but it micht 
 hae been next week for aucht I cud tell, 
 darkness, thick an' impenetrable, bein' everywhaur 
 aroon' me I waukened frae slumbers that had 
 been onything but refreshin' to the body or 
 tranquilleezin' to the speerit, an' faun' mysel' in a 
 fleesome plicht. Darkness was my dwallin' place. 
 That I micht fin' oot whether I was a disembodied 
 speerit, or still a dwaller in a taubernacle o' clay, I 
 felt mysel' a' ower frae the croon o' the head to 
 the sole o' the fit. The conclusion I cam' till after 
 nippin' my lugs, an' blawin' my nose, was that I 
 was even yet made up o' flesh, an' bluid, an' banes, 
 
 an' girsle in ither words, a tangible, sentient, 
 
 leevin', an' reasonable mortal. The thocht that I 
 was still to the fore was an immense comfort to 
 my mind. 
 
 But whaur on the face o' the earth was I ? No 
 in my ain cosy bed at Buttonhole, at ony rate. 
 No at Burleyrackit wi' "Mbbie Monypenny aitherns. 
 Na : her presence wad hae shed a flood o' licht 
 through the surroondin' gloom, an' cheered an* 
 susteen'd my faintin' soul. Then, whaur was I? 
 
 179
 
 i8o T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 A fearfu' thocht flashed athort my mind an' 
 filled me wi' horror oonutterable. I imagined that, 
 in some unguairdit moment, I had rambled awa in 
 a state o' somnolency to Cardinal Beaton's Castle, 
 an' fa'en into the Mairtyrs' Dungeon. This uge- 
 some idea was impressed on my mind wi' a' the 
 greater force that I cud hear the sough o' the 
 waves, chafin', an' murmurin', an' burstin' against 
 my livin' tomb. I sprang to my feet an' graipit 
 aroon' me for the wa's o' my subterraunean abode, 
 whan, lo, my head cam' crack against the roof, wi' 
 a dunt that sent me fairly back again on my beam- 
 ends. There I lay stunned an', as touchin' a' 
 thing earthly, mair dead than alive. 
 
 On regainin' consciousness I faun' oot that my 
 prison-hoose was rockin' an" jowin' back an' fore 
 like a craw's nest on a windy day. I cud hear the 
 billows roarin' aroon' me, an' lashin' an' dashin' wi' 
 angry howl against my dungeon's wa's, gar r in' 
 them creak an' quiver like an auld gizzen't hurl- 
 barrow under the wecht o' a bow o' petawtis. 
 Aboon my head I cud hear an incessant fitterin' 
 an' rinnin' hither an' thither, an' a flingin' an' 
 kickin' aboot o' wechty articles, that on the 
 hypothesis o' my bein' an inhabitant o' a dismal 
 desertit dungeon seemed to me to be perfectly 
 inexplicable. Aboon the inarticulate hubbub, I 
 was able, at length, to mak' oot the soon' o' 
 human voices. 
 
 " Heave away there, Jack will 'e ? Half a turn 
 more, Bill half a turn more ! Yare boys ! Ods 
 my life ! what does the lazy lubber mean, eh ?
 
 GREAT TREEBULATIONS 181 
 
 Let go the painter, Tom, will 'e? Bear a hand, 
 Jack, if you don't mean to send every sowl of us to 
 the bottom ! Yo-ho ! there she goes ! there she 
 goes ! Half a turn a-head, Bill. All right, boys ! 
 All right ! " 
 
 I began to jealouse, frae this sort o' lingo, that I 
 was in the hold o' a ship raither than i' the bottom 
 o' a dungeon. But hoo I cam' to be in sic an 
 unlikely place, an' especially hoo I was to get oot 
 again, cam' to be the next consideration. The 
 short an' the lang o't was that in a state o' drucken 
 daiverment I had stappit oot o' the Anchor Tavern 
 an' tint my gait that I had gane on board the 
 Lon'on Schooner I had seen lyin' at the quay 
 the previous nicht that I had missed my fittin' 
 i' the dark, an' fa'en into the hold amang the 
 ballast that I had been fastened doon under the 
 hatches an' that I was actually at that moment 
 on a voyage to foreign pairts ! It was as dreadfu' 
 a sitiwation as ever mortal man was in the mair 
 sae as I felt mysel' unmistakably growin' sea-sick ! 
 The big blobs o' sweat were beginnin' to hap, hap, 
 doon my face. My breath in' was gettin' short, 
 quick, an' chokin', juist as gin there had been a 
 death-dwam comin' ower my heart. 
 
 At that unhappy'moment I wad hae gi'en a' I 
 was worth in this warl' for a moothfu' o' caller 
 water oot o' the bonnie burnie o' Mossy Howe, that 
 bickert past Buttonhole, an' a single square fit o' 
 the weetest grun' in the Fairish o' Drumlie to stand 
 upon. I tholed an' tholed until I could thole nae 
 langer. I banged up to my hands an' my knees,
 
 1 82 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 an' graipit aboot amang the ballast for a stane, 
 whaurwith I began to lay aboot me richt an' left 
 on the timmers o' the ship, an' made a noise that 
 micht hae garred a deaf man hear. 
 
 Greatly was I relieved whan I heard the sea-farm' 
 men on deck fling doon their tools, an' consult the- 
 gither in half-frichtened like tones. At last they 
 streikit to wark at the hatch-hole, wi the view o' 
 removin' the lid o't, an' then did I realise the com- 
 fortin' fact that the oor o' my deliverance was at 
 han'. The hatch bein' liftit, an' day-licht letten 
 in, the swearin' mannie, wha turned oot to be 
 the captain, glowered doon, an' e'ed me for a 
 second or twa in solemn silence. After turnin' his 
 quid frae the tae cheek to the tither, an' treatin' me 
 to a squirt o' tobacco jice, he at last opened his 
 mou' an' desired wi' an aith to be informed 
 whether I was man or devil, an', in ony case, what 
 was my business there? I was preparin' to gi'e 
 'im the saft answer that turns awa wraith, but at 
 that important crisis utterance failed me, owin' to 
 the state o' my stammack. 
 
 " Ay, ay," exclaimed the captain, gi'ein' his quid 
 anither turn, " he ain't a ghost nohow. Ghosts 
 don't take sea-sickness. No ; them sort of airy 
 beings can stand a mouthful of salt-water beauti- 
 fully they can ! " 
 
 My fit o' seekness havin' subsidit a wee thocht, I 
 was able to sit up an' explain the probable circum- 
 stances under which I had betane mysel' to a 
 sea-fairin' life. The captain an' seamen were greatly 
 tickled wi' the accoont o' my misfortunes, an'
 
 GREAT TREEBULATIONS 183 
 
 generously promised me a free passage to Lon'on, 
 an' a share o' their vittles as lang as they lastit, 
 though they micht hae seen weel eneugh that I 
 wasna in a state o' mind or body likely to need 
 muckle either o' their meat or their drink. 
 
 " But whaur am I ? an' whaur am I gaun ? " I 
 ventured to speer in tremulous tones. 
 
 "On board the schooner, St. Regulus, of St. 
 Andrews ; Captain John Hallyard, Master ; bound 
 to London in ballast," replied the captain, wi' 
 provokin' coolness, an' haulin' up his slacks at the 
 same time. " Ye see, we parted from the quay at 
 St. Andrews an hour ago. We've juist left the 
 Bay behind us. We're now ploughing the waves 
 of the German Ocean. The Fifeshire coast is 
 visible towards the sou'-west two miles distant. 
 If we have fair winds we may reach London next 
 week at this time ; if not, it may be a month before 
 we sight the coast of Kent perhaps more. I've 
 been a good six weeks on the passage but that 
 was in the winter, when rough weather is more 
 common than it generally is at this season." 
 
 " Oh, captain, I'm very, very bad ! " said I, fechtin' 
 against a fresh attack o' nausea. " Cud ye no turn 
 back wi' me to St. Andrews ? Or what wad ye 
 think o' ca'in' in at Kingsbarns i' the bye-gaun ? It 
 wadna hinder ye mony minutes. Oh, I'm very 
 bad! Ugh!" 
 
 " Impossible, my dear fellow ! " replied the cap- 
 tain, squirtin' oot anither moothfu' o' tobacco jice, 
 an' stumpin' back an' fore on the deck, wi' his 
 thooms stuck in his gallowses. " Can't be done, I
 
 1 84 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 assure you. Might lose the ship perhaps our 
 lives and what could I say for myself were I to 
 exceed my duty so far as that comes to ? No, no, 
 sir ! Go to London, or go to the bottom choose 
 which you like best." 
 
 " Oh ! I'se gang to Lon'on," said I, " sin' better 
 canna be I'se gang to Lon'on. But what 'ill the 
 fouk at hame be thinkin'? What state will my 
 puir pawrents be in by this time ? It's an awfu' 
 business, captain an awfu' business ! An' what 
 
 will Tib somebody dearer than a' my kith an' 
 
 kin mair prized than a' the warl' besides what 
 will she be thinkin' ? What ither can they think, 
 than that death, or something waur, has befa'en 
 me ? Oh, captain ! I'm very bad ! Ugh ! " 
 
 " Couldn't do no sich thing," said the captain, 
 wi' an emphasis which showed that it wad be 
 wastin' words to press the maitter farrer ; " so 
 you just content yourself d'ye see ? and thank 
 your lucky stars you've got Jack Hallyard to deal 
 with ; for I've known cap'ns plenty of 'em who 
 wouldn't have thought no more of pitching you 
 overboard than I would of casting away this quid 
 of tobacco ! " 
 
 " Weel, weel, captain," said I, " it's needless to sit 
 in Room an' fecht wi' the Pope. I've aften thocht 
 I wad like to see Lon'on, an' sae, it seems, I'm to 
 get my wuss fulfilled, in a wey I never dreamt o' 
 an' muckle suner than I expeckit." 
 
 The captain, wha had mony likeable points 
 aboot him, though but a rough-rullion in the main, 
 sent ane o' the men doon to the cabin for a gless o'
 
 GREAT TREEBULATIONS 185 
 
 brandy, which he constrained me to clap into my 
 cheek. It was his universal speceefic, whether for 
 a sick head or a sair wame ; but, to tell the truth, 
 it brocht me nae consolation whatsomever. 
 
 If the rebellious prophet, whan fleein' to Tarshish, 
 was only half as sea-sick as I was on that unlucky 
 voyage to Lon'on, nae wonder though he hid 
 himsel' in the sides o' the ship, for when fouk are 
 very ill they wad try onything for easedom. Aften 
 hae I thocht sinsyne, hoo great a blessin' it was for 
 myseP, for Tibbie, an' for the warl' at lairge, that 
 I was spaired to come safely through a' the perils 
 an' treebulations o' that awfu' voyage ! 
 
 The first twa days we had a fair breeze an' a 
 smooth sea, an', bein' in ballast, oor shippie skimmed 
 awa ower the face o' the deep wi' steady keel an' 
 noiseless sails, juist like a swallow athort the bosom 
 o' a flee-haunted stank on a calm simmer's gloamin'. 
 It wasna frae personal observation, hooever, that I 
 arrived at a knowledge o' thae facts, for, frae the 
 time we tane fareweel o' the bay o' St. Andrews till 
 we entered the mooth o' the Thames, I was seldom 
 able to open an e'e, or put oot a fit. I juist lay, 
 amaist nicht an' day, " grainin' like a sow wi' a sair 
 head," as the captain elegantly observed. 
 
 It wad sair nae guid end to recoont a' the uncos 
 that happened durin' the ten days we were storm- 
 staid at Holy Island, an' durin' the succeedin' five 
 days we were beatin' up for the mooth o' the 
 Thames. By the time we got within e'eshot o' 
 Lon'on, my sea-sickness had sae fae abatit as to 
 alloo me leeshince to glower aboot me, an' tak' a
 
 1 86 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 survey o' the surroundin' landscape, an' the ither 
 coontless mervels ane forgaithers wi' on sailin' up 
 to Lon'on Brig. 
 
 Had it no been for the hame-sickness (which 
 was raither increased than lessened by the abate- 
 ment o' the ither sickness I've alludit till) I cud 
 hae lookit upo' the unco sichts that met my gaze 
 on ilka hand, wi' an e'e o' satisfaction an' delicht. 
 But, wae's me ! what cud impairt a ray o' joy to 
 my heart, whan I had to thole the bitter reflection 
 that my faither, an' mither, an' Tibbie, an' a' my 
 ither East Neuk freen's, wad be greetin' an' 
 mournin' for me, as for ane wha had met wi' a 
 mysterious, possibly wi' a violent an' bluidy 
 death ! Wi' sic thochts, bitter an' remorsefu', did 
 I tak' fareweel o' Captain Hallyard an' his crew, 
 an' fling mysel', freen'less an' a' but penniless 
 for the only coin I had i' my pouch was a 
 saxpenny piece into the whirlin' vortex o' the 
 modern Babylon !
 
 CHAPTER XVIII 
 
 LIFE IN LONDON 
 
 FRAE the deck o' the St. Regulus to the 
 quay at Lun'on Brig was but a stap, yet to 
 me it was a stap fraucht wi' momentous conse- 
 quences. As lang's I had a Fife ship aneth my 
 feet, an' Fife fouk to crack till, I cudna look upon 
 mysel' as an alien in a strange land, but by that 
 stap I separatit mysel', as it were, frae the land o' 
 my birth, an' becam' a fugiteeve an' a vagabond upo' 
 the face o' the earth. To haingle aboot through 
 the streets o' a big city like Lon'on, far frae the 
 peacefu' haven whaur yer heart lies at anchor, wi' 
 next to feint foondit i' yer pouch, an' no a kent 
 face amang a' the thoosan's ye forgaither wi', nor 
 ane to sympatheeze wi' ye in yer afflictions that 
 is the bluest look-oot that can befa' ony sinfu' 
 mortal man ! 
 
 Strange wad it hae been, hooever, if, in a city 
 sae renowned for the number an' diversity o' its 
 inhabitants, had there no been a single livin' 
 soul to whom my name, as ane o' the illustrious 
 Bodkins o' Buttonhole, was fameeliar. 
 
 Lon'on, I was weel aware, contained ae East 
 Neuk man, wha wad hae been blithe to see me for 
 187
 
 1 88 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 my mither's sake, if no for my ain. Sandy Muck- 
 hawkie, my mither's uncle by the faither's side, 
 was in that city, servin' in the capacity o' butler to 
 a rich Wast India planter. But it's ae thing to 
 ken ye hae a freen' in Lon'on, an' anither maitter 
 to fin' his whauraboots amang sic a multitude. 
 
 Doon till aboot the middle o' my apprenticeship, 
 Sandy used to vvreat noo an' than to my mither, 
 an' I mind fine o' 'm sendin' doon to my faither, 
 by the Leith Packet, a complete suit o' cast aff 
 garments that had aince been worn by the Prince 
 Regent. This enabled my faither an' me to intro- 
 duce the " Prince Regent cut " into the East Neuk. 
 Sandy havin' entered into the marriet state, 
 hooever, very sune left aff wreatin' to his Buttonhole 
 freen's. 
 
 My first business, after biddin' fareweel to Captain 
 Hallyard, an' thankin him for his hospitality, was 
 to consider wi' mysel' as to the next stap it wad be 
 advisable for me to tak'. As the auld sang says, 
 
 " My cleedin' was but thin, an' my fortune was but sma'," 
 
 for, savin* a pair o' haun's that were tolerably 
 clever at the needle, an' a heart made up o' that 
 dour bendleather material for which Scotch hearts 
 hae been famed time oot o' mind, I had but a 
 single saxpence i' my pouch to begin life wi'. 
 That was a sma' eneugh capital, truly, to mak' a 
 start wi' in a dry an' parched wilderness like 
 Lon'on. Captain Hallyard had " rigged me oot in 
 full sail," as he termed it, wi' ane o' his auld blue 
 jackets, which answered me fairly weel, except that
 
 LIFE IN LONDON 189 
 
 it was aboot aucht inches ower wide roon' the 
 sma' o' the waist. On my head I wore the blue 
 bannet, on my feet the brogues, o' my native Ian'. 
 The bannet had alternate squares o' red an' white 
 roon' the rim, wi' a bonnie bit cherry on the tap. 
 The brogues were fortifee'd wi' tackets, taepieces, 
 an' cuddie-heels. 
 
 Behold me, then, in this uncouth attire, pacin' 
 the croodit streets o' Babylon the Great, wi' my 
 ban's in my breek-pouches, an' graspin' my solitary 
 saxpence in my loof that it michtna be abstrackit 
 by some o' the tarry-finger't gentry, against whase 
 rogueries I had been forewarned by Captain 
 Hallyard. The wey I was teased an' persecutit 
 aboot my corduroy breeks, my blue jacket, my 
 tackety shoon, an', aboove a', aboot my blue 
 bannet, by the young Ishmaels o' the streets, was 
 eneugh to hae exhaustit the patience o' Job. I 
 thocht o' the beld-headit prophet whase tormentors 
 were torn to death by " twa ragin' bears," an' o' the 
 sons o' Belial wha were Lot's neebors in Sodom, 
 hoo they were struck blin' whan they socht to lay 
 unhallowed han's on the heavenly messengers. 
 My bits o' duds ! 'Od, hooever hamely they micht 
 hae been, they were haill at ony rate an' that was 
 mair than cud be said o' the feck o' the breeks 
 worn by the ill-set ragamuffins, wha seemed to 
 mak' it a pairt o' their duty to jeer an' mock at my 
 ootreik. If we cud niffer een wi' oor neebors 
 noo an' than we wad see mony a strange sicht. 
 
 I wander't aboot the streets for oors, glowerin' at 
 the ferlies that met my een in every direction.
 
 190 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 I faun' oot belyve that some clever rascal had 
 pickit my pouch, an' made aff wi' my solitary sax- 
 pence. Here was I in a maist sorrowfu' perdicca- 
 ment ! A puir tailor, five hunder miles frae hame, 
 wi' a toom wame an' a toom pouch ! Twa coorses 
 only were open to me. Either I wad hae to beg 
 my wey back to the East Neuk, or seek aboot for 
 wark. I resolved to resort to the latter alternateeve. 
 
 As it was wearin' late, an' I was growin' unco 
 yap, I resolved, though sair against my will, to 
 return to the St. Regulus, an' mak' my moli- 
 grant to the captain. He received me kindly, 
 which was mair than I had ony richt to expect ; 
 but, ye see, Scotch fouk, though they may fecht 
 an' flyte wi' ane anither at hame, are unco clannish 
 abroad. I tauld him hoo neatly 1 had gotten my 
 pouches pilkit. He juist lauched at my sim- 
 pleecity, an' cautioned me to haud a sickerer grup 
 neist time. 
 
 On my seekin' the len' o' twa or three shillin's 
 to put me ower my strait, he readily consentit to 
 gie me a croon ; but behold, whan he put his han' 
 intil's pouch, he faun', to his infeenite dismay 
 though to my great amusement that his purse 
 had fallow't my saxpence ! He had been in Fleet 
 Street transackin' some business, an' there, dootless, 
 he had left his siller in the custody o' some ane or 
 ither o' the rievin' rascals wha prey upo' the 
 unwaury. Of coorse, the captain was greatly 
 mortifeed no sae muckle at tynin' the nine or ten 
 shillin's as at the needcessity it laid him under o' 
 confessin' that I wasna the only simpleton in
 
 LIFE IN LONDON 191 
 
 Lon'on that nicht He had mair siller in's kist 
 locker, hooever, an' I got my twa half-croons 
 withoot a glumsh. 
 
 Awa I gaed aince mair in search o' work. But 
 my search was a dead failure. Nicht cam' doon 
 belyve, an' I faun' shelter in a common lodgin'- 
 hoose. 
 
 Afore steekin' an e'e, I wrote an endearin' letter 
 to my faither, an' anither still mair endearin' to 
 Tibbie. I confessed my sins in langwitch that 
 micht hae touched the heart o' Mr. Gowlanthump 
 himsel'. I gi'ed them a scrift o' a' the accidents 
 that had befa'en me by sea an' land, I tauld them 
 to dry up ony tears they micht hae been sheddin' 
 on my accoont, for that I was weel an' hearty, an' 
 had uncommon bricht views o' gettin' a job in ane 
 o' the maist famous ootfittin' establishments, an' 
 that I wad be hame to see them in a' hurries. 
 
 Alas ! had my views o' gettin' a job been as 
 clear as I held them oot to be, my sleep that nicht 
 wad hae been soonder than it was ; but to hae 
 written hame to that effeck wad hae been the 
 heicht o' cruelty. Tellin' them the nakit truth 
 micht hae putten my mither an' Tibbie oot o' their 
 wuts, an' sairly grieved my faither, withoot makin' 
 me ae preen the better. If folk haena ony guid 
 news to send frae a far kintra, they needna gang 
 oot o' their gait to send ill anes.
 
 CHAPTER XIX 
 
 SEEKIN' WARK 
 
 THE followin' mornin' I was up an' afit by the 
 skraigh o' day. Afore I had gane very far 
 I faun' oot that the knichts o' the thumble were 
 muckle the same in Lon'on as in the East Neuk 
 unco ambeetious to be up in the warP. This 
 laudable aspiration they socht to gratifee by 
 mountin' to the tapmost flats o' the heichest 
 hooses they could licht on. There they breathed 
 a halesome atmosphere, an' lookit doon, wi' an 
 e'e o' supreme contempt, upo' the floods o' wicked- 
 ness that sweelled roon' the foondation, but durstna 
 munt upwith to the riggin'. I tane notes o' my 
 observations on this parteek'lar point, an' cam' to 
 the conclusion that for ae tailor wha was content 
 to bide on the grun' floor, three made their wey up 
 to the second flat, five to the third, nine to the 
 fourth, an' nineteen to the fifth. 
 
 I had read, I suppose, a hunder tailors' signs 
 afore it cam' into my noddle that the mere 
 glowerin' up at a piece o' pentit fir-deal wad never 
 gi'e me the information I was seekin', namely, 
 whether Tailor So-an'-So was in want o' a journey - 
 
 192
 
 SEEKIN' WARK 
 
 193 
 
 man, an' mair especially whether he wad be 
 inclined to employ -me, I was standin' glowerin' 
 up at a sign-board, hung oot frae ane o' the 
 winnocks o' the heichest flat o' a hoose in St. Mary 
 Axe, announcin' that ane " Gabriel Moses, Tailor," 
 lived within, whan I was accostit by a weel- 
 dressed, respectable-lookin' man, wi' a by-ordinar' 
 bunch o' seals danglin' frae his fab, some o' them 
 nearly as big as my faither's guse. 
 
 " A fine morning," he remarkit, takin' a sort o' 
 measurement o' me, frae head to heel, wi' his left 
 e'e steekit, an' his head slichtly inclined to the tae 
 side. " You're from the north of the Tweed, I can 
 see fresh from the 'land of brown hecfth and 
 shaggy wood,' eh ? " 
 
 " Weel, I've nae cause to think shame o' the land 
 o' my nateevity," I replied, lookin' as prood as 
 Norval on the Grampian Hills. " I am a Scotch- 
 man, an' that I'm in Lon'on this day is as sair 
 against my wull as it was against the wull o' John 
 Gilpin to gang to Edmonton, whan his wife was 
 takin' her denner at Ware." 
 
 " Pretty smart, indeed, for a clodhopper, for you 
 are a ploughman, I presume ? " he replied, castin' a 
 signeeficant glance, first at my blue bannet and 
 syne at my tackety shoon. 
 
 " Na ; ye're wrang again, sir, for I was brocht 
 up to the honourable occupation o' a tailor ; an' I 
 wad be muckle obleeged t'ye gin ye cud put me in 
 the wey o' gettin' a job." 
 
 After a curn mair cracks had passed atween us, 
 my freen' advised me to apply for a sitiwation i'
 
 194 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 Threedneedle Street, that bein', as he assured me, 
 the headquarters o' the tailorin' trade in the city. 
 He convoyed me to the place, an' pointit oot a 
 big an' unco braw-lookin' biggin', whaur he recom- 
 mendit me to try my luck. I was to speer for the 
 governor, an' tell him what I wantit. " Tell him," 
 he said, " that you are a tailor like himself, and 
 that you would thank him to give you a job. 
 Good-bye, sir ; and don't forget to give the governor 
 my compliments." So sayin', he was aff like the 
 shot o' a gun afore I had pooer to speer his 
 name. 
 
 Awa I gaed, an' chappit at the door the billie 
 had pomtit oot to me as bein' the ane that led to 
 the appairtments o' the governor. A fat, fogel 
 wicht, wi' a weel-faured, rosy-lookin' face, opened 
 the door, shoved oot's head, an' speer'd my busi- 
 ness. He was dressed up somewhat like a flunkey, 
 as I thocht, had a cockit hat on's head, an' wore a 
 look o' vast importance on the puffy face o'm. 
 
 " Your name and business ? " he speered, in a 
 mainner mair pointit than polite. 
 
 " My name is Thomas Bodkin, younger, of 
 Buttonhole, in the coonty o' Fife, an' I want to hac 
 a word or twa wi' the governor." 
 
 "Step this way, sir," he said, politely touchin' 
 his hat, " an' I'll see if the governor is disengaged 
 just now." 
 
 Up stairs we gaed, an' into a room as spacious 
 an* splendacious as the dinin'-room at Burlcy- 
 rackit. 
 
 In twa or three minutes in cam' a little, fat,
 
 SEEKIN' WARK 195 
 
 black-a-viced, beld-headit carle, wi' an immense 
 rotundity o' kyte, an' wearin' a pair o' gowd spar- 
 ticles on's nose. I banged to my feet, pu'ed aff my 
 bannet wi' my left hand, grippit my forelock wi' 
 my richt, an' made a profound salaam to the auld 
 gentleman. 
 
 " Are ye the governor ? " I askit in as polite a 
 wey as I cud manage. 
 
 " I am, sir," said he, glowerin' me a' ower frae 
 head to fit ; " and your name is Mr. Bob King, my 
 servant informs me." 
 
 " Na na ; no Bob King, sir," said I, " ye maun 
 hae been wrangously informed. Bodkin is my 
 name, sir, an' the name o' my faither afore me 
 Thomas Bodkin, an't please yer honour." 
 
 " Yes, sir oh yes, sir ! " said he, gie'in' his spar- 
 tickles a hotchle up on's nose, an' keekin' intently 
 into the breed o' my face. " That is the name, 
 now when you mention it Mr. Thomas Bodking." 
 
 " Younger of Buttonhole," I addit. 
 
 " Yes, sir ; I understand you perfectly," he re- 
 sumed, " of Muttonhole younger of Muttonhole." 
 
 " Of Buttonhole," said I" not Muttonhole, an't 
 please yer honour." 
 
 " Oh yes, sir ! quite right," said he. " Butting- 
 whole that's it a place down in Scotland, some- 
 where, I believe ? " 
 
 "In Fifeshire, sir," said I ; " near the East Neuk 
 o' Fife." 
 
 " The Earl of Fife, you mean, I fancy, there is 
 no Duke of Fife in the Peerage, that I know of," he 
 remarkit, lookin' unco prood, as I thocht, that his
 
 196 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 intimacy wi' the Peerage was sae accurate, an' sure 
 eneugh there was nae Duke o' Fife in thae days. 
 
 " I' the wrang box again," I said, " beggin' yer 
 pardon for sayin' sae, but Neuk was the word I 
 used, sir N-e-u-k Neuk." 
 
 " A most extraordinary word," he said, tryin' to 
 pronounce it as I had dune, an', of coorse, makin' 
 an awfu' botch o't ; " but, pray, what does it mean ? " 
 
 " Corner, sir. The East Neuk o' Fife, in oor 
 lingo, means the east Corner o' Fife in yours." 
 
 " Pre-cise-ly so ; and pray how many corners or 
 N-e-u-k-s has Fife got ? " 
 
 " 'Od, ye've fairly dished me noo," I replied, " for 
 feint ane o' me kens, or, to gie ye the plain English 
 o't, I do not know." 
 
 "Just so," returned he, "you don't know. Well, 
 it doesn't matter much I daresay ; and now for 
 business. What can I do for you, Mr. Bob King ? " 
 
 " Weel, sir," said I, gie'in' him anither profound 
 salaam, " I'm a stranger in Lon'on, an' needin' a 
 job that's the plain English o't. A gentleman I 
 forgaithered wi' on the street, an' wha commanded 
 me to deliver his kind compliments t'ye, advised 
 me to ca' at your establishment, an' speer gin ye 
 had a toom seat on yer buird that wad answer the 
 like o' me. I've saired a reeglag apprenticeship to 
 the business. I dootna but yer Lon'on-bred chaps 
 wad be able to tak' the shine oot o' me at jobs 
 that are designed mair for ornament than use. 
 But gie me a stoot, substantial, wearable article to 
 mak' up, an' I'se undertak' to shape or sew roon' 
 aboot ony Lon'oner ye like to name ony day."
 
 SEEKIN' WARK 197 
 
 " And pray, sir, what was the name of the 
 gentleman who was so kind as to send me his 
 compliments ? Did you know him ? " 
 
 " Weel, it was unco stupid-like o' me no to 
 speer his name. But he seemed to be a decent, 
 honest, obleegin', respectable-lookin' gentleman. 
 He was neatly an' fashionably dressed, an' had an 
 enormous bunch o' gowd keys an' seals danglin' 
 half-gaits doon his thigh. Maybe ye ken him, 
 an' maybe no, but he seemed to ken you unco 
 weel." 
 
 " But why think of asking a seat at our Board) 
 Mr. Bob King ? " said the governor. " When 
 vacancies occur at our Board, the other directors 
 see to the filling of 'em up that's none of my 
 business, sir." 
 
 " The ither directors ! " said I, openin' my een 
 to their utmost width ; " what directors d'ye 
 mean ? " 
 
 " Why, the Bank directors, to be sure." 
 
 " What Bank directors ? " 
 
 " Why, the directors of the Bank of England, to 
 be sure ! " an' he raxed himsel' up on's tip-taes, an' 
 gi'ed his spartickles anither heeze up on the brig 
 o's upturned nose. 
 
 " The Bank o' Englan' ! " said I ; " d'ye mean to 
 say that this is the Bank o' Englan' ? " 
 
 " All there is for it, sir." 
 
 " Then a' I sail say is, that yer freen', the gentle- 
 man wi' the seals at's fab, maun be a tremendous 
 leear ! " said I, " for he tauld me this was ane o' 
 the first tailorin' establishments in Lon'on."
 
 198 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 " And pray what profession do you follow after ? " 
 enquired the governor. 
 
 " Sir, I'm a tailor oot o' wark." 
 
 " A tailor ! just so ! I see it ! " cried he, workin' 
 himsel' up into an unco pavee o' a passion. " Con- 
 found the unknown gentleman and his compliments! 
 He has sought to insult me, on account of my 
 name ; but though I'm Mr. Taylor, I'm not a Master 
 Tailor I'm I'm -I'm the governor of the Bank 
 of England, not a tailor. Go away instantly, sir, 
 and if you can fall in with that impertinent 
 scoundrel who sent you here, give him in charge 
 of an officer, and I'll give you twenty pounds for 
 your trouble. Con-found the fellow ! " 
 
 " 'Od, ye may be very sure I'se do my best to 
 seize him by the lug an' the horn," said I, " for it 
 gangs sair against my grain to be made a lauchin' 
 stock o' by ony man, lat him be gentle or semple." 
 
 Beggin' the governor's pardon, I bade him guid 
 bye, an' stappit my wa's doon stairs sairly doon i' 
 the faiple. On reachin' the street I put my hand 
 into my breek pouch to feel for the balance o' the 
 twa half-croons I had borrowed frae Captain 
 Hallyard. Imagine my horrification to fin' nae- 
 thing therein o' coin kind, save five solitary baw- 
 bees a' that remained to me oot o' five sterling 
 shillin's ! An' wha had I to thank for that, but the 
 blackgaird wi' the bunch o' seals ? 
 
 My next move was to look aboot in dead earnest 
 for a maister. That forenoon I ca'd on a score o' 
 tailors, Jew an Gentile, muckle an' little. I laid 
 doon my case to them Vi' a' the eloquence o'
 
 SEEKIN' WARK 199 
 
 desperation, but I utterly failed to move their 
 bowels o' compassion. Ane an' a' o' them were 
 alike unmercifu'. They listened to my moligrant, 
 cuist a contemptuous e'e at my forlorn-lookin' 
 apparel, an' tauld me that my services werna 
 required. I was on the point o' despair. I had 
 begun to meditate wi' mysel' whether it michtna 
 be necessary to 'list to the sogers or gang on 
 buird a man-o'-war. But it's never darker than juist 
 afore day. Providence cam' opportunely to my 
 deliverance. 
 
 I had wandered wastward as far as Charing 
 Cross, whan my een lichtit on the sign o' a French 
 tailor named Monsieur Drapeau, the extent an' 
 grandeur o' whase premises bespak' him to be a 
 man o' some eminence in his profession. The Lion 
 an' the Unicorn, gilt wi' gowd, were ower the door- 
 head. Underneath thae quadrupeds were twa gilt 
 banners wi' inscriptions on them, intimatin' that 
 M. Drapeau, was tailor an' clothier to His 
 Majesty. 
 
 I staivered awa in, an' tauld my story. Monsieur 
 Drapeau, hooever, was thrang measurin' a stoot 
 elderly gentleman for a dress coat, an' had little 
 time to put aff wi' a gangarel like me. 
 
 "Vere you come from, mon ami?" said he, in 
 his strange piebald lingo. 
 
 " Frae Scotland, sir," I replied, makin' due 
 obeisance to the little great man ; " I belang to the 
 East Neuk o' Fife, sir." 
 
 " Ah, ires bien \ " returned Monsieur, noddin' his 
 head politely. " Vat is your name ? "
 
 200 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 " Thomas Bodkin," I replied, " my name is 
 Thomas Bodkin, younger, of Button " 
 
 " Not possible ! " exclaimed the elderly gentle- 
 man, wha was gettin' his inches ta'en, turnin 1 
 sharply roon' on's heel, an' glowerin' me straucht 
 i' the face, " your name Thomas Bodkin ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir," said I. 
 
 " From the East Neuk of Fife ? " 
 
 " That's my calf-grun', sir." 
 
 " And Buttonhole is your birth-place, isn't it ? " 
 
 " The same, sir." 
 
 " And your mother's maiden name ? " 
 
 " Effie Muckhawkie ! " 
 
 " She's my niece ! " cried he, rushin' forrit an' 
 shakin' me fervently by the han'. " How did you 
 leave your father and mother ? " 
 
 " Brawlie." 
 
 " And when were you at Treetaps ? " 
 
 " Twa or three weeks syne. But are ye really 
 Uncle Sandy Sandy Muckhawkie I've heard my 
 mither speak sae aften aboot ? " 
 
 " The very man ! " he cried, gi'ein' me anither 
 hearty shak' o' his haun'. " It is very odd isn't 
 it ? that among the thousands and thousands who 
 hustle and elbow each other in this immense city 
 you and I should have been thrown into personal 
 contact and that by the merest accident too ! " 
 
 " It's mair than odd," said I, " it's little short o' a 
 meeracle." 
 
 " Monsieur Drapeau," said Sandy, addressin' 
 himsel' to the little Frenchman, wha', durin' this 
 strange scene, had been standin' wi' the measurin'
 
 SEEKIN' WARK 201 
 
 tape in's hand in a state o' bewilderment, 
 " Monsieur Drapeau, I'll call back to-morrow about 
 that coat, if you please." 
 
 " Ah , tres bien ! tres bien ! Monsieur," said the 
 polite little man, noddin' his head an' layin' aside 
 his tape ; " but your friend, pardonnez moi could 
 I not have the distinguished honour of placing him 
 in mon ateliert" 
 
 " Well, I don't know have you an opening for 
 him ? " inquired Sandy. 
 
 " Ouz, Monsieur, I could find him vone place," 
 said the little man. 
 
 " Thank you," said Sandy, " thank you, Monsieur ; 
 we'll call back to-morrow and have a talk about 
 it." 
 
 The upshot o' the business was that Uncle 
 Sandy tane me alang wi' him to his ain hoose, in 
 a second flat in a lane leadin' aff the Strand, 
 introduced me to Mrs. Muckhawkie, wha was truly 
 a nice mitherly-heartit sort o' body, heard the 
 history o' my Lon'on projeck, an' sympatheezed wi' 
 me in a' my monifauld afflictions an' misfortunes, 
 inveetit me to mak' his hoose my hame durin' my 
 sojourn in the city convoyed me back neist day 
 to the atelier o' M. Drapeau, whaur I obtained an 
 engagement at a wage o' twenty shillin's a week 
 to begin wi', an', in short, treatit me in every 
 respeck as gin I had been ane o' 's ain bairns.
 
 s CHAPTER XX 
 
 MISCELLANEOUS INTELLIGENCE 
 
 AFTER arrangin' maitters vvi' M. Drapeau, my 
 first business was to retire to my bit bed-roomie. 
 It was a wee bit place, no aboon aucht feet square, 
 wi' a winnock frae which I had a charmin' prospeck 
 o' a' the chimney-pats i' the neeborhood. There 
 I sat me doon an' inditit twa epistles ane to 
 Buttonhole, an' anither to Burleyrackit. Uncle 
 Sandy bein' butler to a gentleman wha had been 
 a Wast India planter, but was noo a Parliamenter 
 ane o' the members for the Rotten Borough o' 
 Bribelington was kind eneugh to get his maister 
 to frank my letters for me, an' sae they had the 
 honour o' travellin' frae Lon'on to the East Neuk 
 "free, gratis, for naething." In thae epistles I 
 statit that I intendit to mak' a pretty lang stay in 
 Lon'on wi' the view o' renderin" mysel' a profeecient 
 cutter, under the auspices o' M. Drapeau a man 
 o' warl'-wide reputation in this kittle brainch o' the 
 tailorin' business. 
 
 I had been less than a week under M. Drapeau's 
 jurisdiction, whan, ae nicht after lowsin' time, I had 
 the luck to tak' up a copy o' a Lon'on weekly 
 paper that Uncle Sandy's maister was in the habit 
 
 202
 
 MISCELLANEOUS INTELLIGENCE 203 
 
 o' gi'ein' him a readin' o' after he himsel' was saired 
 o't, an' therein I read the followin' startlin' intelli- 
 gence copied frae some Scotch paper : 
 
 "MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE OF A YOUNG 
 GENTLEMAN. One day, a week or two ago, a fine 
 young man, named Thomas Bodkin, eldest son of 
 Mr. Thomas Bodkin, Tailor and Clothier, residing 
 at a place called Buttonhole, disappeared under the 
 following mysterious circumstances : On the day 
 in question, Mr. Bodkin had been visited by Mr. 
 Simon Patch a gentleman belonging to Dundee 
 who, on leaving Buttonhole about mid-afternoon, 
 invited Mr. Bodkin, junior, to accompany him a 
 short distance on the road to St. Andrews, where it 
 is understood Mr. Patch had some money to receive 
 from a teacher of dancing, named M'Kickie. It 
 has been ascertained that they called at a small 
 Inn not far from Buttonhole, where they had some 
 refreshment, after which they were seen walking 
 towards St. Andrews by an old woman, who states 
 that they appeared to be slightly the worse for 
 liquor. On arriving at St. Andrews, they went to 
 the Anchor Tavern where M'Kickie was lodged, 
 and there they had more drink. Here all further 
 trace of Mr. Bodkin was lost sight of. Patch, 
 his companion, admits that they had drunk 
 a little too freely, and that he himself does not 
 recollect when he left the Auchor Tavern, nor 
 whether young Bodkin left the Inn in his company 
 or not. Mr. Patch has been strictly examined on 
 the subject by the Procurator-Fiscal, but we under-
 
 204 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 stand that, beyond the facts just stated, nothing 
 has been elicited to throw the feeblest ray of light 
 on this mystery. It is due, however, to Mr. Patch 
 who is an intelligent and highly respectable 
 individual to mention that not the slightest sus- 
 picion of foul-play attaches to him. It is generally 
 surmised, on what seem pretty strong grounds, 
 that the man M'Kickie may have employed means 
 to make away with the young man ; and this 
 impression is strengthened by the fact that M'Kickie 
 has neither been seen nor heard of about St. 
 Andrews since the night in question. The Inn- 
 keeper and his servant affirm that as soon as 
 M'Kickie observed Messrs. Patch and Bodkin enter 
 the house, he went out, promising to be back in 
 half an hour, that he did not return till it was near 
 eleven o'clock, by which time Bodkin and Patch 
 had left the Inn, and that next morning his room 
 was found empty, he having absconded during the 
 night, taking all his effects along with him, together 
 with a silver-mounted snuff mull belonging to the 
 landlord. A reward has been offered for his appre- 
 hension, but hitherto he has managed to elude the 
 officers of the law. As may be supposed, the friends 
 of the unfortunate young gentleman, who has thus 
 mysteriously disappeared, are in a most distressed 
 state of mind about him. It is rumoured also that 
 he was affianced to a young lady 
 
 " The cynosure of neighbouring eyes," 
 
 whose beauty and amiability are highly spoken of 
 in the locality, and whom this most painful occur-
 
 MISCELLANEOUS INTELLIGENCE 205 
 
 rence has well-nigh bereft of reason. On the 
 hypothesis that the young gentleman has been 
 foully and barbarously murdered of which there 
 seems to be little doubt a search has been insti- 
 tuted for his body, but as yet without result. The 
 event has cast a deep gloom over the whole east of 
 Fife, where the Bodkin family are widely known 
 and universally respected." 
 
 A bonny story was this for ony body to hae the 
 preevilege o' readin' anent his ain murder ! That 
 my personal freen's Tibbie in particular wad be 
 muckle ta'en up aboot my mysterious disappear- 
 ance, was nae mair than what was nateral or than 
 I fully expeckit ; but that the Procu'tor-Fiscal, the 
 officers o' justice, the East Neuk fouk, an' especially 
 the Lon'oners, sid hae been precognoscin' witnesses, 
 huntin' at the heels o' malefactors, speakin', 
 wreatin', printin', readin', an' lamentin' aboot a puir 
 insigneeficant mortal like me, was something that 
 it had never entered into my head even to dream 
 o' in my sleep, muckle less to speakilate on in my 
 wauken moments. 
 
 Wae was I to think that, by my witless conduck, 
 I had brocht sic a load o' trouble, an' sorrow, an' 
 sighin', an' cryin' upon my pawrents, an' aboove 
 an' beyond a' upon Tibbie Monypenny ! Nicht 
 an' day she was never oot o' my thochts for mony 
 minutes on end. I pouched the newspaper on the 
 sly, an' afore Uncle Sandy cud lay his hands on't 
 again, the paragraph anent my mysterious disap- 
 pearance had disappeared in a mainner equally 
 mysterious.
 
 206 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 Mair than a week had passed awa', slowly an' 
 sadly, sin' I had written my second despatches to 
 Buttonhole an' Burleyrackit, announcin' that Pro- 
 vidence, in the persons o' Uncle Sandy an' M. 
 Drapeau had come to my relief, an' still there was 
 nae reply. I was beginnin' to be unco thochtifeed 
 as to what cud be the cause o' the delay, whan ae 
 mornin' after breakfast, as I was sittin' deeper i' 
 the broon studies than ordinar', in comes the 
 postman an' speers if there was a man "as was 
 named Mister Thomas Bodking a-lodging hin this 
 'ere 'ouse." Of coorse, I very sune enlichtent him 
 on that point, an' sae, withoot mair ado, doon he 
 doused a couple o' letters in my loof, ane o' them 
 addressed in my faither's, an' the ither in Tibbie's 
 handwreatin'. 
 
 As I had but five minutes to spare, I flang 
 mysel' into my wee bit bed-roomie 2 snibbit the 
 door, rave open Tibbie's letter first, for at that 
 moment my thochts were mair at Burleyrackit 
 than at Buttonhole. Needless to say Tibbie's 
 epistle was rinnin' ower wi' sympathy an' affection. 
 She was overjoyed to think that I was still i' the 
 Ian' o' the livin', an' no a corp at the bottom o' the 
 sea. She had grutten hersel' blin' an" hairse 
 aboot me. Amang ither tender sentiments suit- 
 able to the occasion, she wrote what garred my 
 ain heart grow grit. " Oh, dear Tarn," she said, " if 
 you only kent how sincerely an' truly I love you ! 
 But you cannot know that unless I were to tell 
 you, and I could not tell you unless I had you by 
 yourself alone at the back yett, as we were wont
 
 MISCELLANEOUS INTELLIGENCE 207 
 
 to meet when I was happier than I am now, and 
 you too, I'm thinking. Dear Tarn, you must not 
 be angry with me when I tell you that you did 
 what was very far wrong and sinful, when you 
 went to St. Andrews and got yourself made mortal 
 drunk, which they say Mr. Patch and you was, 
 and you must promise that you will never do no 
 such thing no more, and I will be happy. And 
 another thing, you must take care of yourself in 
 London, for the coachman was telling Peggy and 
 me that the London women are very pretty, but 
 very, very wicked, and make bad wives for poor 
 men, because they are very extravagant with their 
 clothes and their diets. I was very sorry for your 
 poor father and mother. I have been over three 
 times seeing them, since you were lost. Your 
 mother was near by herself about you, and was 
 not able to be out of her bed for better than a 
 week. Andra Sooter has also been greatly taken 
 up about you, and has been over near every night, 
 which it is very kind of him. I am sorry to hear 
 that you are going to stay in London for some 
 time, but I hope it will not be for long. I am 
 wearying awful for a sight of you. I need not 
 care whether I go to the kirk or not, for I never 
 hear a word that the minister says for thinking 
 about you. I am leaving my place at the Term 
 and going home to help my mother, who is not 
 very stout, and needs me to help her with the kye. 
 Dear Tarn, fare-ye-weel, I send you ten thousand 
 kisses. Write soon again. Your faithful lover 
 till death!"
 
 208 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 I hadna time at that moment to read through 
 my faither's epistle, but frae a cursory glance at 
 the concludin' paragraph, I cud see that my con- 
 duck, firstly, in accompanyin' Mr. Patch to St. 
 Andrews, secondly, in gettin' mysel' filled fou', an' 
 thirdly, in fleein' like a vagabon' to Lon'on, didna 
 meet wi' his approoval. At denner time I had 
 laiser to peruse the entire contents, an', my certie, 
 gin he didna dicht me up, clean steek, for my 
 undutifu' behaviour, he never did anither thing 
 ahent it ! His reproaches and admoneetions were 
 truly hard to thole, but they were meant for my 
 guid, an I houp I ha'ena been unmindfu' o' them. 
 Nevertheless, noo that I was in Lon'on, at onyrate, 
 he highly approved o' my resolution to tarry there 
 for a time, sae that I micht perfect my professional 
 eddication, an" though he could ill affoord to forgo 
 my services, yet he was in houps o' gettin' ane o' 
 Sandy Reekie's loons for an apprentice, an', takin' 
 everything into consideration, he thocht he wad 
 be able to warsle through withoot me. 
 
 Havin' tranquilleezed the minds o' my East 
 Neuk freen's, an secured for mysel' a sitiwation, 
 whaurin I could earn a decent livin' an' obtain the 
 very best insicht into the deeper mysteries o' my 
 profession, the only circumstance that remained 
 to mar the habeetual serenity o' my mind was the 
 absence o' Tibbie Monypenny. Duly as the Mun- 
 nonday mornin's cam' roon' I despatched a letter 
 to Tibbie an' Tibbie despatched ane to me. 
 
 " Absence mak's the heart grow fonder," an' my 
 sojourn in Lon'on addit very materially to my
 
 MISCELLANEOUS INTELLIGENCE 209 
 
 former estimate o' Tibbie's charms, as weel as to 
 the fervour o' my affection for her. I had muckle 
 ado at times to keep the peace atweesh inclination 
 an' duty. The tane threatened to carry me awa 
 capteeve to Buttonhole that I micht renew my inter- 
 views wi' her. The tither admonished me to be 
 doin' whaur I was, for a year or twa, that I micht 
 enhance my professional reputation. 
 
 Durin' the first few months o' my sojourn in 
 Lon'on every laiser moment I had to spare was 
 spent in ramblin' through the city. In this wey 
 I acquired an insicht into subjecks that my faither, 
 an' mither, an' Tibbie, were as ignorant o' as the 
 pagans o' Patagonia. 
 
 Amid a' my wanderin's I never forgot the 
 sleekit scoondrel wha sent me the gowk's errand 
 to the Bank o' England, an' syne mairched aff 
 wi' my four an' saxpence. I had gotten a glisk 
 o' the rogue aince in Hyde Park, an' aince in 
 Fleet Street, but he aye managed to mak' aff 
 afore I cud lay haun's on 'im. The third time is 
 said to try a', hooever, an' sae it did in this case. 
 I had been doon at Greenwich by steamer on a 
 holiday trip. Whan I gaed on buird on the return 
 voyage, wha did I see pacin' back an' fore amang 
 the passengers but my four-an'-saxpenny freen' ? 
 Luckily amang the passengers there was an officer 
 o' justice, wha lookit as gin he had baith the wull 
 an' the abeelity to mak' himsel' serviceable. I lost 
 nae time in apprizin' him o 1 the character an' 
 quality o' the gentleman i' the fashionable suit, an' 
 wi' the prodeegious bunch o' gowd seals danglin' 
 
 14
 
 210 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 frae his fab, an' sae whan we reached the Pier 
 below Lon'on Brig, Mr. Skrudge, for that was the 
 Dogberry's name politely stappit inbye till 'im, 
 tappit him gently on the shoother, an' tauld him 
 that the Lord Mayor was wantin' to see 'im at 
 the Mansion Hoose on certain urgent private 
 business. The rogue, jealousin' what was brewin', 
 made a bolt to get awa ; but, aha ! Mr. Skrudge 
 was ower souple for him, an' sae he grippit his 
 airm like a vice, an' had the handcuffs on's shakle- 
 banes in naetime. 
 
 " Ve're hold acquaintances, I b'lieve, Mister Pil- 
 kim," Skrudge remarkit as they were stappin' 
 ashore. " Haint ve not, now ? Seen heach hother 
 before eh ? " 
 
 Mr. Pilkhim swore maist blasphemously, affirmed 
 that his name wasna Pilkhim ava, but Smith, an' 
 threapit doon oor very throats that he had never 
 seen Skrudge afore in his life never ! 
 
 The upshot o' the business was that neist mornin' 
 Mr. Pilkhim, alias Smith, was brocht up afore the 
 Lord Mayor at the Mansion Hoose, whan, on the 
 joint testimony o* me, an' the Governor o' the 
 Bank o' Englan', an* Skrudge, the rascal was fun' 
 guilty o' the twafold crime o' highway robbery an' 
 conspiracy, in sae far as he had not only pilkit my 
 pouch o' four an' saxpence, but had likewise sent 
 me on a gowk's errand, wi" the view o' molestin' 
 an' insultin' ane o' His Majesty's maist respectit 
 lieges in his ain hoose. His doom was four calender 
 months on the treadmill. 
 
 Wh.in the coort was skailin', the Governor cam'
 
 MISCELLANEOUS INTELLIGENCE 211 
 
 bustlin' up to me, grippit me by the ban', which 
 he sheuk heartily, thankit me warmly for what I 
 had dune to promote the ends o' justice, an' con- 
 cludit by slippin' a twenty-pound Bank o' Englan' 
 note into my loof. 
 
 " But, beggin' yer honour's pardon ! " said I, 
 *' this siller disna belang to me what am I to do 
 wi't?" 
 
 " Keep it," said he, " and double it as soon as 
 you can. That is the way to make a fortune, sir, 
 I had no more when I began life. I promised 
 you twenty pounds' reward if you could bring that 
 fellow to justice, and you've done it The money 
 is yours, sir fairly and honourably earned I assure 
 you." 
 
 Hame I gaed as heich as the hills, an' that very 
 nicht I sat doon an' wrote a glowin' accoont o' the 
 haill transaction, for the edifeecation o' my East 
 Neuk freen's.
 
 CHAPTER XXI 
 
 A FALSE ALARM 
 
 WEEKS an' months sped awa in rapid suc- 
 cession. A sense o' laneliness crap ower 
 my heart at times, for whan the mind an' body 
 are in different places, ye canna resist a feelin' o* 
 desolation even in the midst o' a crood. Ilka day 
 or twa there cam' a bit letter either frae my faither,. 
 or frae Andra Sooter, or, best o' a', frae Tibbie 
 Monypenny. Thae blessed messsengers greatly 
 cheered an' encooraged me to persevere in the wcy 
 o' weel-doin'. But for sic cheerin' missives what 
 wad life be to mony ane, but a boundless desert 
 whaurin there is neither a milestane to measure the 
 lanesome road, nor a refrcshin' spring whaurwith to 
 cool the parched tongue. 
 
 Meanwhile I applied every faculty o' mind an* 
 body to the details o' business, wi' the result that 
 M. Drapeau not only increased my wages suner 
 than I had expeckit, but hintit that if I continued 
 to behave mysel' as I had dune, he wad by-an-bye 
 promote me to a foremanship I grew belyve to be 
 sae dexterous in the manoeuvrement o' the measur- 
 in' tape, that my services cam' to be indispensable 
 in that depairtment. Whan M. Drapeau was sum-
 
 A FALSE ALARM 213 
 
 monsed to Buckingham Palace, or to Windsor 
 Castle, as he aften was, to tak' the dimensions o' 
 Royalty, I generally gaed wi' him as his private 
 secretar', to set doon the heads an' parteek'lars i' 
 the measure-beuk. But circumstances tane place, 
 by-an'-bye, renderin' it necessary for me to bid adieu 
 to M. Drapeau, an' return to the hoose o' my faithers 
 i' the East Neuk o' Fife. 
 
 I had been in Lon'on nearly a year an' a quarter. 
 Durin' that time I had written reeg'larly to Tibbie 
 an' she as reeg'larly to me. For aboot a twalmonth 
 o' this time she had been livin' at hame wi' her 
 faither's fouk at Breeriebuss. Amang the ither 
 interestin' topics discussed in her epistles, she aften 
 enlairged on the subjeck o' my hame-gaun, declarin' 
 that she cudna live lang withoot me, that she 
 was lanely, wretched, doon i' the faiple an' sae 
 furth an' that her health wad inevitably suffer by 
 my continued absence. She had said a' that sae 
 aften, hooever, an' still lived on notwithstanding 
 that I began erelang to pey unco little heed to 
 threats o' that kind. Of course, in framin' my 
 replies I professed to be greatly concerned for her 
 weelfare, an' at the same time cheered her up, as 
 best I cud, by layin' doon a plain statement o' the 
 advantages an' blessin's that wad flow to us in 
 after-life frae the exerceese o' a little patience an' 
 self-denial i' the ootset o' oor career. In this 
 view o' the case she never but expressed her entire 
 acquiescence, but still an' on, she was wearyin' sair, 
 sair, to see me. There were twa o's wearyin', 
 hooever, though I made less wark aboot it than
 
 214 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 she did. My notion was to stay wi' M. Drapeau 
 for the space o' twa twalmonths at the very least, 
 afore enterin' into the bonds o' matrimony, an* 
 settin' up in business on my ain coat tail. 
 
 Aftner than aince Tibbie had mentioned anither 
 circumstance that bred nae little trouble in my 
 breist. The coachman chield at Burleyrackit had 
 never gien' up manoeuvrin' wi' the view o' sup- 
 plantin' me on the throne o' her affections. He 
 had made sundry errands to Breeriebuss to see 
 her, after she had left Burleyrackit. She gi'ed him 
 unco little cuttin's, but that didna hinder him frae 
 comin' back again. Aince he had fa'en in wi' 'r at 
 St Andrews market He filled her pouches wi* 
 fairin', though she tauld him plainly that she 
 wantit to hae naething to do either wi' him or his 
 sweeties. Reason or nane, hooever, he wad hae 
 been hame wi' her that nicht, gin she hadna ta'en 
 refuge wi' Mrs. Paitrick, Peggy's mither, wha keepit 
 a mangle at the Wast Port. Sae positeeve was 
 he that she was obleeged to threaten him wi' the 
 beagles o' the law gin he didna gang aboot's 
 business in a peaceable wey. By guid luck Andra 
 Sooter was i' the market that day, an' as he 
 seldom gaed to St. Andrews withoot peyin' his 
 respecks to his future mither-in-law, he happened 
 to stap in juist as the coachman was standin' 
 atweesh the door-cheeks, layin' aff some o' his 
 impiddence. But the sicht o' Andra wi his cairt 
 whup tied roon' his shoothers like a sash, garred 
 my lad sing silent in a jiffey, an' mairch aff as gin 
 his nose had been bluidin'. Andra was determined
 
 A FALSE ALARM 215 
 
 that she sidna receive ony farrer molestation that 
 nicht, an' sae he convoyed her hame to Breeriebuss, 
 an' saw her ovver the threshold o' her faither's door, 
 afore pairtin wi'r. 
 
 I'm aware that there are women wha, for the 
 depth an' constancy o' their affection, are as far 
 superior to men as the heavens are heich aboove 
 the earth. Yet there hae been instances enoo o' an 
 entirely opposeete character, to warnice us against 
 placin' ower muckle confidence in the stabeelity 
 o' female flesh. 
 
 Juist at the time whan I was switherin' an' 
 dritherin' ower considerations > o' this sort, there 
 occurred an ill-faured dackle in the weekly bul- 
 leteens frae Breeriebuss. First ae week passed 
 an' syne anither, withoot bringin' an explanation 
 o' Tibbie's unaccoontable silence. Every ither day 
 or sae I sent aff a lang screed till'r, implorin' her to 
 render a reason hoo she had gi'en up wreatin' 
 pledgin' my word o' honour to be hame an' mairry 
 her i' the spring an" gi'ein' utterance to a vast 
 deal o' nonsense an' extravagance, I dinna doot. 
 But feint a scribe o' a pen did I receive frae her in 
 reply. In this distressin' sate o' maitters, I had 
 anither veesitation o' the poetics. I gi'ed vent to 
 my woundit feelin's in the followin' lugoobrious 
 ditty : 
 
 WHAT CAN THE MAITTER BE? 
 
 As blithe as the mavis that sings frae the tree, 
 As licht as the lammie that links ower the lea, 
 As bauld as the eagle that dairts through the sky, 
 Sae gladsome, licht-fittit, an fearless was I.
 
 216 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 But noo I am douce, dowie, dweeble, an' skair, 
 I'm the sport o' the mullygrumps, sorrow, an* care ; 
 Like a Death's Head my head is, wi' queer, ghaistly grin 
 It is grey i' th' ootside, an' achin' within ! 
 
 My cheeks, aince sae ruddy, roond, chubby, an' dimpled, 
 Alas ! they are sunken, wan-coloured an' crimpled, 
 My legs that were aince fat an' plump as my cheeks, 
 Alas ! they're like pirn-sticks buskit in breeks ! 
 
 I hechle, an' clocher, an' toyt but an' ben, 
 Like a puir feckless grandsire o' three score an' ten, 
 My voice aince sae musical, lichtsome, an' cheerie, 
 Has sunk to a grunt that is perfectly eerie ! 
 
 I am daesed, I am doitit my appetite's gane 
 Something lies at my breist cauld an' hard as a stane, 
 Sleep has fled frae my een frae my stammack digestion 
 Oh what can the maitter be ? That is the question ! 
 
 Oh what can the maitter be ? What wad ye think ! 
 I'm neither consumptive nor dottled wi' drink, 
 But Tibbie, the kittie ! has played me a pliskie, 
 Mair deidly by far than consumption or whiskey ! 
 
 I'm jiltid, I'm lichtlied, forhoo'd an' forsaken, 
 
 My fond houps lie withered, my puir heart is breakin', 
 
 If she dinna relent an' forget an' forgi'e, 
 
 As sure as I live, in a fortnicht I'll dee ! 
 
 This effusion I copied oot in a fine, bauld roon' 
 haun' exceedin'ly unlike the calligraphy o' a 
 man wha was sae infirm baith in min' an' body, 
 as to hae only a fortnicht to live an' sent it aff 
 to Breeriebuss, alang wi' a prose discription o' my 
 feelin's an' sentiments equally extravagant, naething 
 doubtin' that the force o' the prose an" verse 
 combined wad work the charm intendit. But alas ! 
 the oracle still remained as dumb as ever.
 
 A FALSE ALARM 217 
 
 Four weeks had passed awa withoot bringin' me 
 the accustomed love-letter frae Breeriebus. At 
 last, ae nicht as I was sittin' in my roomie, wi' my 
 haun' on my haffet, my een fixed on vaucancy, an' 
 my thochts far awa in the East Neuk, I hears the 
 postman come up the stair, chap at the door, an' 
 haun' in something for " Mr. Thomas Bodking." 
 My heart lap to my mooth ! Surely here wad be 
 the end o' my miseries noo ! I banged to my feet, 
 opened the door, ran oot to the lobby, an' received 
 a newspaper ! Nae letter naething to assure 
 me that Tibbie's hairt still beat in unison wi' mine. 
 I was plunged into the depths o' despair ! I flang 
 mysel' doon on a chair, tore open the paper, an' 
 oh, horror o' horrors ! the very first thing my een 
 lichtit on was the followin' announcement, 
 
 " Married at Breeriebuss, Fifeshire, on the th 
 instant, Mr. John Jehu, coachman to Nicholas 
 Bowman, Esq., of Burleyrackit, to Isabella, eldest 
 daughter of Mr. William Monypenny, farmer, 
 Breeriebuss." 
 
 It was a mercy I didna rin aff on the spur o' the 
 moment an' fling mysel' ower Lon'on Brig. 
 
 The thochts that visited my sleepless pillow that 
 nicht I sanna attempt to describe. 
 
 I cudna doot I had tint Tibbie for ever an' 
 aye. But I was determined to see to the bottom 
 o' the business. Face to face I wad meet her an' 
 gar her gi'e some accoont o' hersel'. I had made 
 her a present o' a magneeficent fur tippet, an' I 
 had likewise coft her a pair o' gowden ear-rings. 
 Thae purchases, alang wi' sundry ither nick-nacks,
 
 21 8 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 the haill soom amountin' to sax guineas I had 
 sent aff till'er by the St. Andrews Packet, an' for 
 which I held her receipt. Noo, though I didna 
 value the articles a flee, yet, was I to lat her dance 
 aboot wi' John Jehu, buskit up an' beautifeed wi' 
 my braverie ? No very likely ! 
 
 By neist mornin's dawn I liftit my fevered head 
 frae the pillow, colleckit a' my effecks, an' stowed 
 them carefully past in my kist I sewed up my siller 
 amountin' to thirty-five guineas inside the band 
 o' my cream-coloured cassimer breeks, in which 
 I had decidit to array mysel' on my traivels. After 
 wreatin' twa or three lines to M. Drapeau apprisin' 
 him o' my sudden depairtur' to Scotland, an' biddin' 
 fareweel to Uncle Sandy's fouk by word o' mooth, 
 I set aff an' tane an ootside seat on the Lon'on an' 
 Edinbro' Coach, for in thae days there was nae sic 
 thing as a railway. 
 
 The mornin' was cauld, clear, an' frosty, an' the 
 season approachin' the hin'er-en' o' December, 
 whan I faun' mysel' perched on the tap o' the 
 coach in the society o' three stalwart, red-nosed, 
 farmer-lookin' chields frae the Lincolnshire Fens. 
 They had been up to Lon'on on matrimonial 
 business, an' were evidently bent on keepin' up the 
 festeevity as lang as possible, judgin' frae the 
 frequency o' their applications to the gin bottle 
 that ane o' them carried in's oxter pouch. The 
 only ither ootsider, forbye mysel' an' the driver, 
 was a thin, black-aviced elderly woman, spairely 
 clad in mournin' weeds, an' bearin' on her pale 
 sickly coontenance the veesible imprint o' recent
 
 A FALSE ALARM 219 
 
 sorrow an' sufferin'. Whan we were crossin' the 
 knap o' the last knowe, whence a view o' the city 
 cud be had, I noticed that she turned her head an' 
 gazed back wart wi' pathetic earnestness as gin 
 she had been takin' a last fond look o' some person, 
 or scene or objeck beloved an" whan she resumed 
 her former attitude, I saw she was a' shakin' wi' 
 emotion, an' that tears were silently coorsin' doon 
 her withered cheeks. 
 
 We reached Edinbro' on the day an' at the oor 
 appointit withoot accident. It was wearin' late, 
 an' there bein' nae means o' crossin' to Fife that 
 nicht, I was forced to pit aff the further prosecution 
 o' my journey till neist mornin'. Durin' the nicht, 
 there cam' awa the awfu'est storm o' snaw an' win' 
 that ever blew oot o' the skies. A' neist day it 
 continued withoot devald, insomuch that there was 
 nae possibeelity o' crossin' the Firth till the mornin' 
 o' the second day, whan the storm had slackit a 
 wee. Of coorse, the earliest opportunity was mine, 
 an' sae I crossed to Pettycur by the first boat, sae 
 as to try an' reach Breeriebuss that same nicht. 
 
 It was a lang an' dreich road in the best o' 
 weather, but wi' the wredes o' snaw tooerin' sax 
 feet aboon the hedge-raws an' dyke-heads, an' the 
 drift fleein' on the wings o' the snell Boreal blasts, 
 like stoure frae a pair o' corn-fanners it was the 
 wark o' a madman to attempt it on fit ! To 
 Breeriebuss, hooever, I had made up my mind to 
 gang that nicht, whatever the consequences micht 
 be. Therefore, pluckin' up a spunk superior to a' 
 earthly obstacles, awa I gaed on my perilous
 
 220 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 journey. Owin' to the deepness o' the sna\v, the 
 only lan'marks I cud coont on wi' certainty were 
 the hill-taps an' toonies that lay in my way. 
 Hedges an' plantins were buried oot o' sicht. 
 Occasionally whan I chanced to stray frae the 
 direck road, I faun* mysel' actually walk in' ower 
 the roofs o' cottar hoosies, as was made manifest 
 by the volumes o' reek that cam' oozin' oot frae 
 amang the snaw-wredes aneth my feet. 
 
 It was within an oor o' sunset. Darkness was 
 beginnin' to creep on apace, whan, hungry, weary, 
 an' fit-sair wrackit in body an' cuisten doon in 
 speerit I drew near to the locality whaur, as far 
 as I cud judge, Breeriebuss behooved to be sitiwate. 
 But far an' wide as the e'e cud penetrate naething 
 was veesible but a boondless waste o' driven snaw ! 
 
 Selectin' ane o' the heichest wredes nearby, 
 whaurfrae I micht mak' a survey o' the surroondin' 
 territory, I muntit to the tapmost pinnacle o't, an' 
 was gratifeed to see a stream o' peat-reek risin' 
 frae the crater o' a wide, auld-fashioned clay lum, 
 that micht or micht not apperteen unto the humble 
 fairmhoose o' Breeriebuss. 
 
 Approachin' cautiously I glowered doon the 
 vent. There I beheld a cruzie hingin' i' the cruik, 
 blink, blinkin' awa. A tortoiseshell cat was sittin' 
 at the cheek o' the fire, dozin' half asleep, an' wi' 
 her tail neatly arranged in a semi-circle roon' her 
 curpin'. A pair o' human legs, covered wi' knee 
 breeks, blue-ribbit stockin's, an' corduroy cutikins, 
 projeckit forward in close proxccmity to the ribs, 
 but the body that the said legs belangcd till was
 
 A FALSE ALARM 221 
 
 unfortunately ootside the range o' my field o' 
 veesion. 
 
 I tane up a gowpen-fu' o' snaw, shapit it into the 
 simeelitude o' a cannon-ball, an' drappit it gently 
 doon the lum, exactly perpendeek'lar to the spot 
 whaur winkin' baudrons was sittin'. It alichtit 
 preceesely on her back. A frichtsome yell, an' a 
 wild spring into the midst o' the fluir-head instan- 
 tawneously follow't. The blue stockin's an' cor- 
 duroy cutikins quickly disappeared, an' the venerable 
 coontenance o' Mr. William Monypenny, fairmer 
 o' Breeriebuss, was thrust forrit wi' the view o' 
 investigatin' into the origin o' the snaw ba'. That 
 it didna fa' frae the cluds was self-evident, seein' 
 that it bore the unmistakable impress o' human 
 fingers. 
 
 " Guid forgi'e me ! " was his exclamation whan 
 he beheld, atween him an' the sky, a "human 
 face divine " glowerin' doon the lum. " Whaur 
 come ye frae ? what d'ye want ? an' wha are ye ? " 
 
 " I come frae the city o' Lon'on," said I, answerin' 
 his questions in their order, " I want to ken hoo 
 Tibbie cud hae the conscience to marry Jock Jehu, 
 an' my name is Tarn Bodkin ! " 
 
 I wasna in a frame o' mind to waste mony words 
 on 'im, an' every ither means o' entrance bein* 
 obstruckit by the snaw wrede, I juist buttoned my 
 coat, hauled my bannet ower my lugs, an' crap doon 
 the lum like a sweep. I sprang into the fluir-head, 
 an' Tibbie, wha was busy puttin' oot a bakin* o' 
 bear-meal scones, gat oot wi' a lood skreich, an' 
 sank back into my airms in a swoon.
 
 222 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 The guidman flew into an awfu' pucker. Thinkin' 
 that she wad never come till hersel' again, he ran 
 an' flang a tanker fu' o' cauld water intil her face. 
 Mrs. Monypenny an' the juveniles, wha had been 
 ben the hoose cairdin' woo', hearin' the hubbub, 
 cam' rinnin' but the hoose ilk ane like to ding 
 
 t> 
 
 anither ower in their headlang haste to ken what 
 was wrang. Tibbie sune revived, hooever, an' I 
 was beside mysel' wi' joy to fin' that the first use 
 she made o' her returnin' strength was to fling her 
 airms roon' my neck, an' gi'e me the kindly, couthic 
 embrace o' auld langsyne. 
 
 " Na, na, Tibbie ! " said I, pushin' her ootower a 
 bittie, " this winna do noo, lass ! ye're anither man's 
 wife ye maun hain a' thae favours o' yours for 
 Mr. John Jehu!" 
 
 " The man's mad ! " cried Mrs. Monypenny, 
 standin' up in defence o' her dochter, " Tibbie is 
 neither anither man's wife nor has she ony inten- 
 tion o' becomin' sae, as far as I think. But wha 
 put that nonsense i' yer head ava ? " 
 
 " Read that," I replied, producin' the newspaper 
 announcement o' the marriage, "an* maybe that 
 'ill clear yer een ! " 
 
 " A curn doonricht lees ! " exclaimed Mrs. Mony- 
 penny. 
 
 " Doonricht lees ! " repeatit Mr. Monypenny. 
 
 " Doonricht lees ! " was the exclamation a' roon'. 
 
 " This is a droll business ! " said I, " but hoo hae 
 yc never written me for a month an' mair ? Tell 
 me that, Tibbie ! " 
 
 " Oh, Tarn, my dear ! " said Tibbie, sabbin' an'
 
 A FALSE ALARM 223 
 
 dichtin' the saat tears frae her een wi' the corner 
 o' her apron, " I've written ye reeg'larly ilka week 
 ay, ilka day o' late but hoo didna ye answer my 
 letters as usual ? " 
 
 " Mair marvellous still ! " said I. 
 
 " 'Od I cud wad my lugs that that fallow Jock 
 Jehu has been at the bottom o' this business ! " said 
 Mr. Monypenny, bringin' his richt neive wi' whack 
 doon intil his left loof, " but I'se be at the foonda- 
 tion o't afore I'm mony oors aulder !" 
 
 I was myseP again ! Tibbie was still true to me, 
 an' that assurance was a reward mair than suffeecient 
 for a' the toils an' sorrows I had passed through 
 durin' the aucht days preceedin'.
 
 CHAPTER XXII 
 
 A MARRIAGE ON THE TAPIS 
 
 IT need hardly be said that my sojourn wi' Mr. 
 Monypenny lastit langer than I had oreeginally 
 intendit it should do. As regairds my interview 
 wi' Tibbie, it proved to be as gladsome as I had 
 expeckit it to be grievous. After gettin' a chack 
 o' four oors I pu'd oot my watch, lookit at the time 
 o 1 nicht, an' essayed to resume my journey, sae as 
 to reach Buttonhole afore bed-time. 
 
 " No ae fitstap ! " interposed Mr. Monypenny, 
 grippin' me by the shoother an' pushin' me doon 
 again on the lang heich leggit stool whaur I had 
 been sittin' alangside o' Tibbie, " no ae fitstap will 
 ye gang ootower this door the nicht ! " 
 
 " Gang to Buttonhole in sic a nicht o' snaw an' 
 drift ! " said Mrs. Monypenny. " Preserve's a' ! the 
 man's surely no himsel' it micht be the deid o' 
 ye!" 
 
 " An' mair than a' that," observed Tibbie, layin' 
 her ban' in mine, an' glowerin' into my face wi' a 
 winnin' smile playin' aroon 1 her rosy cheeks an" 
 slae-black een, " hoo wad ye get oot ? Ye ken it's 
 an easy maitter comin' doon a lum, but it wad be 
 a dour job gaun up again, an' there's no anither 
 
 224
 
 A MARRIAGE ON THE TAPIS 225 
 
 feasible ootlet that I ken o', unless ye crawl through 
 the vvredes o' snaw like a mowdie-wart ! " 
 
 Little persuasion is needit to turn the bauks o' a 
 waverin' resolution, whan inclination an' argument 
 are heapit thegither into the selfsame scale, an' sae 
 I agreed to accept o' the hospitalities o' Breeriebuss 
 for that nicht, an' to pit aff my journey to Button- 
 hole till neist mornin'. 
 
 Richt pleasantly did the e'enin' pass awa wi' 
 cracks an' jokes. Mr. Monypenny was a denty, 
 hearty, cantie, auld cock wha never wantit a story, 
 an' aye spak oot his mind like the honest man that 
 he was. He gi'ed me a scrift o' a' the uncos that 
 had transpired i' the East Neuk, durin' my sojourn 
 in Lon'on. In this he was greatly assistit espe- 
 cially as regairds births, deaths, an' marriages by 
 the retentive memory an' voluble tongue o' Mrs. 
 Monypenny. Tibbie's words were few an' weel- 
 ordered. She said little hersel', but I cud see that 
 she treasured up every word that I spak, as gin it 
 had been a pearl o' great price. 
 
 Havin' listened to a narration o' a' my metro- 
 politan exploits an' observations, I noticed that 
 Mr. Monypenny suddenly becam' unco fidgety in's 
 looks an' movements. He hirsled back an' fore on 
 his chair as gin he had been sittin' on heckle-pins. 
 He repeatedly pu'd aff an' hauled on his nichtcap, 
 for nae parteek'lar reason that I cud discern. His 
 cutty pipe made numerous errands to the ribs, an' 
 after takin' half-a-dizzen blaws o't, he wad fling it 
 doon again at the cheek o' the fire. He tane 
 vaurious severe fits o' hoastin' that seemed quite 
 
 15
 
 226 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 uncalled for by the requirements o' natur'. He 
 glowered up to the crap wa', an' doon into the 
 ase-hole. He excheenged stown glances wi' Mrs. 
 Monypenny, an' scanned my coontenance curiously, 
 wi' the tail o's e'e. He tried sundry plans to gar 
 Tibbie flit her camp to the ben-end o' the hoose 
 for the time bein', but withoot bringin' aboot the 
 desired result. In short, Mr. Monypenny had 
 clearly something on's stammack that . he desired 
 to disburthen himsel' o', an' that something, it was 
 equally appaurent, he didna want Tibbie to hear. 
 As she refused to be admonished either by a wink 
 or a nod, he at last tauld her plump oot that her 
 absence wad be guid company. 
 
 "Gang yer wa's ben the hoose, Tibbie, my 
 woman, an' bide there till I send for ye ! " said 
 her faither. 
 
 This order she blushin'ly obeyed withoot a 
 moment's hankerin' or hesitation. She micht hae 
 saved hersel' the trouble, hooever, seein' she tane 
 care to hearkin' to every word o' the interestin' 
 conversation that followed. 
 
 " Noo, Mr. Bodkin," began Mr. Monypenny, 
 drawin' his chair close inbye to my side, " I wad 
 like to hae a word or twa wi' ye on a delicate 
 subjeck. I believe ye've been lang in the wey o' 
 gaun aboot my lassie i' the coortin' line. Noo I 
 dinna wuss to urge ye on to tak' ony stap rashly 
 in a maitter sae kittle as the choosin' o' a wife. 
 But, ye see, it's high time we sid come to some 
 understandin' on the subjeck. Withoot gaun ony 
 far'rer aboot the buss wi' ye, I wad juist like to ken
 
 A MARRIAGE ON 7 HE TAPIS 227 
 
 yer intentions in keepin' up a' this corrieneuchin' 
 wi' Tibbie?" 
 
 " Honourable ! " replied I, scarcely able to utter 
 the words by reason o' the vauried emotions that 
 were jumblin' under my breist bane at that eventfu' 
 moment. " Honourable maist honourable, Mr. 
 Monypenny ! I've come a' the way frae Lon'on 
 on Tibbie's accoont. That bein' the case, ye may 
 be sure my affection for her is o' the real sterlin' 
 metal." 
 
 " That is to say, Mr. Bodkin," said Mr. Mony- 
 penny, determined that there sid be nae mistak' 
 aboot it, " ye mean to mairry Tibbie as sune's ye 
 can conveniently do sae ? " 
 
 " Exactly sae ! " was my prompt reply, " that's 
 preceesely what I mean. Ye see, I've saved a curn 
 bawbees, an' learnt twa or three things in Lon'on 
 that canna fail to be usefu' to me in my futuV 
 professional career, an' I think we micht do waur 
 than juist get oorsel's spliced withoot mair ado. 
 It's best to strike the iron as lang's it's het I've 
 as muckle o' warld's wealth as '11 mak' a decent 
 beginnin", an' though at first oor plenishin' may 
 be sma', we can be like the craws juist add stick 
 to stick as we're able till sic time as we get oor 
 nest made to oor minds." 
 
 " Weel, weel," said he, " as to the time whan 
 I'se neither mak' nor meddle wi' that; ye can 
 settle that affair atween yer twa sel's. Baith o' ye 
 are come to the years o' discretion, an' as it's 
 yersel's twa that maun drink the yill, ye can e'en 
 brew the browst to suit yer ain taste. I can freely
 
 228 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 testifee that whaever gets Tibbie for a wife '11 get 
 a clever-handit, cleanly, eydent, weel-doin' kimmer, 
 an' less than this I wadna hae said though she 
 hadna been sae sib to me as she is." 
 
 " Weel-a-wat, she'll mak' a guid thrifty wife," 
 said Mrs. Monypenny, brakin' the silence she had 
 hitherto mainteened, an' speakin' in tremulous 
 tones that testifeed to the fervency o' her maternal 
 feelin's " she'll mak' a richt valuable help-meet t' 
 ye, Mr. Bodkin, if she tirn oot only half as dutifu' 
 to you as a wife as she has been to me as a dochter. 
 But hoo I'm to widdle through withoot 'er when 
 she gangs awa is mair than I ken ! " 
 
 "<jang yer wa's an' cry her but, guidwife," said 
 Mr. Monypenny. 
 
 This order for Tibbie's recall frae exile had 
 scarcely escapit frae her faither's lips, whan a toom 
 herrin' barrel that had been stowed awa aboon the 
 kitchen bed began to perform sundry mysterious 
 antics. It rowed hither an' thither as gin the 
 muckle mischief had been in't. At last an' lang, 
 doon it cam' through a hole atweesh the bauks, an' 
 lichtit i' the middle o' the floor wi' a noise like 
 thunder ! 
 
 " Preserve's a' ! " skreighed Mrs. Monypenny, 
 rinnin' in ahent her guidman's chair, an' flingin' her 
 arms roon' his neck, " it's no the hoose comin' doon 
 aboot oor lugs, is't ? " 
 
 " I houp no," said Mr. Monypenny, lookin' a wee 
 dootfu' ; " for though there maun be a dooms heavy 
 wecht o' snaw on the roof, yet I wad think the 
 four new bauks o' guid Norrowa timmer I put in
 
 A MARRIAGE ON THE TAPIS 229 
 
 last simmer sid be able to keep's a' snod an' 
 siccar." 
 
 " Loshie me, Mr. Bodkin ! " said Mrs. Mony- 
 penny, "rin ben an' see what Tibbie's doin', for 
 she maun be frichtened oot o' her wuts by that 
 fearfu' rummill ! " 
 
 Ben I gaed, neck or naething, an' caught Tibbie 
 i' the very ack o' scramblin' doon frae the bauks ! 
 Ah, the sly taid ! I saw through the haill business 
 at a glance ! Anxious to hear what was passin' 
 atween her faither an' me, she had actually clum 
 up to the garret amang the lumber, cruppen across 
 the bauks on her hands an' knees, an' derned at 
 the hole through which the barrel had made its 
 descent. 
 
 On hearin' her presence was wantit i' the kitchen, 
 she had retraced her staps raither hastily an' in- 
 cautiously, whaurby she had disturbed the repose 
 o' the barrel, causin' it to tak' its flicht doon 
 through the hatch-hole as aforesaid. 
 
 Whan I gaed ben, I faun' 'er strugglin' half- 
 gaits doon the clay partition wa', makin' desperate 
 efforts to escape frae her equeevocal perdiccament 
 afore she sid be discovered. Her wee bit heartie 
 was playin' pittie-pattie, as I cud feel, whan I 
 claspit her i' my airms wi' the view o' assistin' her 
 to regain her fittin' on terry firmy. This I did wi' 
 a' the tenderness that I cud bring to the execution 
 o' sic a delicate an' delichtfu' duty, takin' care 
 afore lattin' her escape frae my embrace to press 
 her warmly to my bosom, an' to imprint half a 
 score o' glowin' kisses upon her cherry lips !
 
 230 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 " Eh, Tarn, ye scoondrel ! is that you ? " said she, 
 in a stiflin' sort o' whisper. " Losh ! I'm gled, 
 though, for I thocht it was my mither, an' what 
 cud I hae said for mysel' gin it had been her? 
 But, for the life o' ye, Tarn, never leet that I was i' 
 the garret ! " 
 
 " Sae ye've heard a' that passed atween the auld 
 fouk an' me ? " said I, chuckin' her under the chin 
 an' gi'en' her anither embrace an' anither roon' o' 
 kissin'. 
 
 " What wad ye do if ye kent ? " she replied, 
 haudin' up her mou' for the bestowal o' a fresh 
 dose o' kisses, which she duly received as a maitter 
 of coorse. 
 
 "Ah, Tibbie! Tibbie!" said I, claspin' her 
 tremblin' haun' in mine, " but ye are a pawkie jaud, 
 though!" 
 
 " Oh, Tarn, ye cruel sinner ! " said she, wrigglin' 
 like an eel on a hook to free her han' frae my 
 grasp, " ye' re hurtin' my han', min. Lat go, this 
 very meenit ! Lat go, or I'll hae to cry oot, for 
 I'm no able to thole ye ony langer. Weisht ! 
 Dinna ye hear a fit comin' ben ? That's my 
 faither, as sure's I'm livin' ! Oh, lat go noo, 
 Tarn ! " 
 
 Tibbie, I cud see, made maist praiseworthy 
 efforts to feeze her fingers oot o' my loof as lang's 
 I held them fast, but somehoo or ither, whan in 
 obedience to her earnest an' aft-repeatit entreaties, 
 I at last tane pity on her an' lat go my grip, her 
 fingers still lingered i' my loof in saft an' playfu' 
 dalliance, withoot an attempt to escape. At last I
 
 A MARRIAGE ON THE TAPIS 231 
 
 gi'ed her anither hearty cuddle, accompanied by 
 anither hasty smourich, an' syne led her awa' but 
 to the kitchen, to face the auld fouk. 
 
 The consternation caused by the fa' o' the barrel 
 havin' calmed doon belyve, we a' huddl't roon' the 
 bleezin' ingle, an' resolved oorsel's intil a committee 
 o' the haill hoose, touchin' maitters matrimonial. 
 The conclusion arrived at was that the nuptial day 
 sidna be preceesly fixed till I had smelt my faither's 
 breath on the subjeck. 
 
 Whan ten o'clock chappit, Mr. Monypenny, re- 
 markit that as it was wearin' naur bedtime, it wad 
 be necessary to close oor cracks for the nicht. 
 Havin' raxed doon the Big Ha' Bible an' performed 
 that pautriarchal duty sae touchin'ly describit i' the 
 " Cottar's Saturday Nicht," he conduckit me awa to 
 my bedroom a wee, cozy, pantry bit placie, biggit 
 as a tofa' at the back o' the hoose, an' wi' a door 
 openin' aff the kitchen. 
 
 Neist mornin' I was up by the scraigh o' day, 
 wi' the view o' lendin' a haun' at howkin' a hole 
 through the immense snaw-wrede that lay heapit 
 up mountain heich in front o' the hoose. It was 
 aboot as dreich a job as ever I had putten a haun' 
 till, but Tibbie bein' present, to cheer up my flaggin' 
 energies wi' her witchin' smiles, I wrocht like a 
 very teegar till the sweat was drappin' frae the neb 
 o' my nose. At length an' lang I had the satisfac- 
 tion o' seein' the wey cleared to the ooter warl'. 
 
 The storm o' the day previous had abatit. An 
 eerie-like silence reigned ower the haill face o' 
 creation. As far as the e'e cud survey the
 
 232 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 landscape, naething was veesible, but a dreary 
 wilderness o' snaw. 
 
 Brakfast bein' ower, I bade a temporary fare- 
 weel to Tibbie an' Breeriebuss, an' set oot for 
 Buttonhole, which I reached safe an' soon' aboot 
 mid-forenune. Great was the steeriefyke oc- 
 casioned by my unexpeckit return. The meetin' 
 o' pawrent an' child, sister an' brither, was juist a 
 rehearsal o' the Parable o' the Prodigal Son. If I 
 wasna kissed an' embraced as he was, my haun', at 
 least, was vveel shaken, an' my shoother weel 
 clappit, especially by my mither an' my sister 
 Chirstie, wha were like to devoor me wi' their 
 affectionate demonstrations. If the fattit cauf 
 wasna slaughtered for my especial enterteenment, 
 there was, at least, a guid fat hen transferred frae 
 the bauks to the kail-pat in honour o' my arrival. 
 In short, at Buttonhole as at Breeriebuss, I was 
 received wi' open airms, an' enjoyed quite a triumph 
 in a sma' wey. I was regairdit wi' feelin's o' awe 
 an' wonder as intense as if, instead o' havin' been 
 nae farVer than Lon'on, I had, like Mungo Park, 
 juist returned frae a voyage o' discovery to the 
 city o' Cockatoo. 
 
 A' my Lon'on battles had to be focht ower again, 
 an' hunders o' questions had to be listened till an 
 anwered i' the same breath. I had acquantances 
 flockin' to see me frae a' the kintra roun', a' gapin' 
 wi' curiosity to see a man wha had been mourned 
 for as dead. I was as great a hero as Tarn Thoom 
 or the Pig-Faced Lady. I had been not only 
 auchteen months in the metropolis, but I had seen
 
 A MARRIAGE ON THE TAPIS 233 
 
 the King's Palace, baith ootside an' inside. An' 
 what was o' still greater moment in the estimation 
 o' the primiteeve pautriarchs o' the East Neuk, I 
 had not only seen the king himsel' but had even 
 assistit in takin' the dimensions o' the Royal 
 corporation for sundry suits o' superfine Wast o' 
 Englan' wool-dyed cleedin' ! 
 
 My Lon'on sojourn had rendered me a perfect 
 prodigy. My name was in everybody's mooth 
 my acheevements formed the sole topic o' speaki- 
 lation baith in kitchen an' in ha' for a month an' 
 main Saunders Broganawl cam' to get a gallows 
 button sewed on Patie Baisler to get a pair o' 
 corduroy cutikins shapen the smith to get a clout 
 put upon his breeks Geordie Mortclaith to get 
 the grease ta'en out o' the collar o' an auld black 
 coat he had been presentit wi' as a New Year's 
 gift by the Rev. Gabriel Gowlan thump Willie 
 Wabster to speer aboot the pattern o' a table-claith 
 my mither had commissioned him to weave as 
 pairt o' Chirstie's providin' ; the haill rickmatic o' 
 them cam' on some piece o' business or ither, but 
 their main errand, as I cud easily see, was to draw 
 me into a recapeetulation o' my Lon'on observa- 
 tions an' experiences. Mrs. Snifters, honest woman, 
 made nae twa-faced attempts to gang aboot the 
 buss in gratifeein' her curiosity. The first bonnie 
 day after the snaw was aff the grun', she cam' ower 
 to Buttonhole ane's errand, " to get a description," 
 as she observed, " o' the King, an' the Palace, an' 
 the Bank o' Englan'." 
 
 Mrs. Paitrick, Peggy's mither, cam' a' the gait
 
 234 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 frae St. Andrews to speer gin I had never 
 chanced to forgaither wi' her sister's man durin' 
 my sojourn in Lon'on. As he drave ane o' 
 Whitbread's ale carts, she was sure he wad be 
 weel kent to everybody in Lon'on. She cudna 
 understan' hoo I cud hae been there sae lang 
 vvithoot gettin' some wittins o' 'm. 
 
 I seized on the first favourable opportunity for 
 layin' my matrimonial projeck afore my faither an' 
 mither. This I did, no withoot some sma' degree 
 o' blateness. I was greatly pleased to fin' that 
 their views an' mine perfectly complouthered. The 
 only obstacle to my immediate union wi' Tibbie 
 was the requirement that I wad hae to bide sax 
 weeks within the boon's o' the pairish afore the 
 banns cud be lawfully proclaimed i' the kirk. My 
 mither was delichtit wi' the prudent choice I had 
 made o' a wife, for Tibbie's kindness at the time 
 whan everybody believed me to be dead, had made 
 a maist favourable impression on her mind. My 
 faither was quite agreeable that I sid work alang 
 wi' him until Providence sid provide me wi' a mair 
 eligible openin'. As to financial maitters, if need 
 required he wad be ready to gang the length o' 
 advancin' a few notes to set me up in business on 
 my ain coat-tail. 
 
 A' thae odds an' ends bein' settled, I sat doon 
 an' pen'd a lang letter to Uncle Jeames in Lon'on, 
 thankin' him for his kindness to me whan I was 
 an alien an' an ootcast on the warl's hie-road, 
 humbly cravin' his pardon for havin' run awa in 
 the rogue-like mainner I had dune, directin' him
 
 A MARRIAGE ON THE TAPIS 235 
 
 to send doon my kist to St. Andrews by the first 
 Packet, an' tellin' him I was contemplatin' an early 
 approach to the hymeneal altar. 
 
 The sax weeks quaranteene precedin' my waddin' 
 creepit awa, as I thocht, at a snail's pace. As im- 
 patient was I for the happy day that was to see 
 me launch furth on the Paceefic Ocean o' matri- 
 mony as ony thochtless schule-laddie ever was for 
 the hairst-vaicance. The oors seemed days, the 
 days weeks, an' the weeks months. Had Tibbie 
 been at Burleyrackit the case wad hae been far 
 different. I cud in that case hae seen 'er every 
 ither nicht or sae. But Breeriebuss was ower far 
 awa for frequent interviews. I gaed twice a-week 
 to see her, but that didna satisfee me. 
 
 While in this impatient state o' min', I expe- 
 rienced a fresh ootburst o' the poetics. Seizin' " my 
 guid auld harp aince mair," I gi'ed utterance to my 
 feelin's in a flood o' sang, whaurof the followin' is 
 a swatch : 
 
 THE BACHELOR'S LAMENT. 
 
 AIR " Toddlin? Hame." 
 
 ''When cauld winter ruffles the leaves frae the tree, 
 I'm as weary a bodie as weary can be ; 
 There's no ane to cheer me across the hearthstane, 
 A' the lee winter nicht I maun dosen my lane, 
 
 Dosen my lane, dosen my lane, 
 A' the lee winter nicht I maun dosen my lane. 
 
 The thrush lo'es to sing i' the white-blumin' thorn, 
 The hare lo'es to gambol amang the green corn, 
 But naething in nature can mak' my heart fain,
 
 236 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 For I ne'er can be blithesome while livin' my lane, 
 
 Livin' my lane, livin' my lane, 
 O I ne'er can be blithesome while livin' my lane. 
 
 I've an auld dowie chaumer juist twal' feet by ten, 
 An oot-hoose, an in-hoose, a but-hoose, an' ben, 
 A weel-plenished mailin' an' gowd, a' my ain, 
 But nocht can delight me when livin' my lane, 
 
 Livin' my lane, livin' my lane, 
 O, nocht can delight me when livin' my lane. 
 
 Though some blame the lasses I care not a flee, 
 I'll e'en tak' my fortune, whate'er it may be, 
 Guid fouk are richt scarce, but I'll surely find ane, 
 To mak' me far blither than livin' my lane, 
 
 Livin' my lane, livin' my lane, 
 To mak' me far blither than livin' my lane. 
 
 An' gin a sweet wifie should e'er be my hap, 
 111 wake like a lav'rock, an' sleep like a tap, 
 111 sing like a lintie, an' never complain, 
 But forget a' the sorrows o' livin' my lane, 
 
 Livin' my lane, livin' my lane, 
 O wha can be happy when livin' alane?"
 
 CHAPTER XXIII 
 
 THE BEUKIN' 
 
 IN Scotland, at the time I'm wreatin' o', waddin's 
 an' wooin's were maitters that dauredna be gane 
 aboot openly an' aboon board, but in conformity 
 wi' the admoneetions laid doon by the twa-faced 
 hizzie i' the auld sang 
 
 11 Come doon the back stairs when ye come to coort me, 
 Come doon the back stairs when ye come to coort me, 
 Come doon the back stairs an' let naebody see, 
 An' come as ye were na a-comin" to me." 
 
 Use an' wont demand it that matrimonial undertak- 
 in's sid be envelopit in a certain degree o' mystery. 
 The wricht employed to mak' the furniture was 
 sworn no to tell wha the articles were for. It was 
 the same wi' the tailor wha had the makin' o' the 
 waddin' suit. In my case there was nae need for 
 makin' ony lees aboot it. I tane care to mak' my 
 ain bits o' duds whan naebody was present to spy 
 ferlies. An' then, hoo mony drams ye had to drink 
 whan preparin' for yer waddin' ! Ye had to drink 
 a half mutchkin wi' the wricht, an' anither wi' the 
 smith, afore yer bargain cud be said to be closed 
 wi' them. Sax or aucht o' yer drowthie cronies, 
 237
 
 238 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 hearin' that a marriage was on the carpet, wad 
 drap in by twas and threes, by the merest accident, 
 as it were, an' of coorse, the bottle had to be brocht 
 furth, gin ye didna want yer guid name for ever 
 tarnished in their estimation. Then cam' the 
 Beukin', whan ye had to drink a cawker oot o' 
 the Dominie's bottle, besides fillin' yersel' an' yer 
 companion half-fou' at a public-hoose on the wey 
 hame. After the Beukin' cam' the Feetwashin', 
 whan the bridegroom had not only to drink himsel' 
 blin', but had to gi'e half a score o' his maist intimate 
 acquantances as muckle licker as they cud pit i' 
 their hides. Guid guide us a' ! gettin' marriet was 
 nae easy maitter in thae days, either for purse, or 
 person. 
 
 I had nae that little fash at first to fin' a hoose 
 at an easy distance frae Buttonhole. There was a 
 toom ane owerbye at Skirlnakit, an' anither at the 
 Kirktoon, but baith o' them were far'rer awa frae 
 my wark than wad hae been convenient, besides 
 bein" sadly oot o' repair. Whan I was in a swither 
 what to do, Andra Sooter kindly cam' to my relief, 
 an' bespak' for me the use o' a toom hoose at 
 Snipemire. 
 
 While I was waitin' wi' as muckle patience as I 
 cud muster for the day destined to consummate 
 my fondly cherished desires, there comes to me a 
 letter frae Mr. Simon Patch, whom I had apprised 
 o' my arrival frae Lon'on. Simon informed me 
 that he had juist compleetit arrangements for flittin" 
 his camp, bag an' baggage, frae Dundee to Aberdeen, 
 as successor to an auld maister o' his, wha was
 
 THE BEUKIN' 239 
 
 retirin' frae business. Simon kin'ly offered to mak' 
 me a present o' the guidwill o' his business, on 
 condition that I sid tak' the lease o' his hoose aff 
 his haun', an' keep on his youngest apprentice, wha 
 cudna weel be removed to the Granite City, seein' 
 that he had been bargained to bed an' buird wi' 
 his mither a puir weedow woman, wha lived i' the 
 Bannethill, an' earned a scanty livelihood by windin' 
 bobbins. Alludin' to oor St. Andrew's ploy, Simon 
 delicately hintit that his present offer micht maybe 
 mak' some amends to me for the evil he had been 
 pairtly instrumental in leadin' me intil on that 
 occasion. If I thocht o' closin' wi' his offer, he 
 inveetit me to rin ower to Dundee immediately, an' 
 he wad mak' a' needfu' explanations, an' introduce 
 me to his principal customers. 
 
 Here was a peeled egg sic as few hae the like o' 
 to sit doon till whan enterin' into the matrimonial 
 state ! I lost nae time in apprizin' my faither o' 
 the generous offer I had received, an' if ever he 
 harboured a grudge against Simon for trystin' me 
 awa on that eventfu' pilgrimage to St. Andrews, 
 he noo grantit him complete absolution. My faither 
 advised me to pad aff to Dundee, an' strike a bargain 
 at aince. 
 
 Neist morn in', afore daylicht, I was on my wey 
 to Dundee. I gaed roon' by Breeriebuss in order 
 to adverteeze Tibbie o' the stroke o' guid fortune 
 that had sae unexpectedly fa'en to my lot an' hers. 
 She was perfectly liftit up at the magneeficent 
 prospeck o' takin' up hoose in sic a lairge an' 
 fashionable toon as Dundee. Her pawrents bein'
 
 240 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 equally weel pleased, everything lookit uncommon 
 bricht for oor matrimonial projeck. 
 
 Arrivin' in Dundee, I sune faun' oot Simon's 
 place o' business. It was in the tapmost flat o' a 
 hoose in the Nairrow o' the Murraygate. Simon, 
 wha showed me nae little kindness, introduced me 
 till's chief customers the feck o' them bein' men 
 o' substance, an' ane o' them a Bailie, nae less. 
 Mrs. Patch was a warm-heartit, mitherly sort o' a 
 bodie, an' perfectly satisfeed in her am mind that 
 her husband was ane o' the greatest o' men an' the 
 best o' husbands. Afore I had been mony meenits 
 in her society, I had received a parteek'lar accoont 
 o' the birth, eild, upbringin', vices, an' virtues o' 
 her youthfu' progeny, together wi' disquiseetions on 
 teethin', watery pox, measles, an' chin-cough, the 
 whole bein' exceedin'ly edifeein' an' encooragin' to 
 ane aboot to enter on the cares an' responsibilities 
 incidental to matrimonial life. 
 
 The ootcome o' my conference wi' Mr. Patch 
 was that a bargain was struck atween us twa. I 
 effeckit a legal transfer o' his lease on the terms 
 oreeginally proposed by him, an' I was to enter on 
 possession on my marriage wi' Tibbie Monypenny. 
 
 I stayed wi' Simon a' that nicht, an' hurried 
 back neist mornin' to Breeriebuss an' Buttonhole, 
 an' reportit progress. The waddin' was fixed to 
 tak' place at the expiry o' my sax weeks' sojourn 
 within the boon's o' the pairish, in conformity \vi' 
 the rule anent the proclamation o' banns. 
 
 Dominie Squeeker, albeit by reason o' increasin' 
 bodily infirmities, he had gi'en up for some years
 
 THE BEUKIN' 241 
 
 wieldin' the taws, yet continued to dischairge the 
 duties o' the Session Clerkship. To him, therefore, 
 I behooved to apply on the subjeck o' the contract. 
 On the Saturday nicht set apairt for that purpose 
 I set oot, accompanied by Mr. William Monypenny 
 an' Andra Sooter, on my grand offeecial veesit to 
 Mr. Squeeker. The puir auld Dominie was never 
 better pleased than whan he had a waddin' contract 
 on han', as it put a curn orra shillin's intil's pouch, 
 besides supplyin' him wi' an excuse for weetin' his 
 whistle wi' a dram. 
 
 We faun' the Dominie in capital trim. He 
 crackit aboot the days whan I was under his 
 scholastic jurisdiction, an' averred that I had been 
 as camsteerie an' contermashous at times as ony 
 body was fit to be, an' no withoot deservin' an' 
 receivin' the average doses o' corporeal correction 
 at his haun's, but he didna doot I had come to see 
 the great benefit I had derived frae his chasteese- 
 ments. He even hintit that I oucht to be deeply 
 gratefu' to him for the mony severe thrashin's he 
 had gi'en me. I frankly admittit the justice o' his 
 observations touchin' my youthfu' mistymainners. 
 I even tried to express my obligations till 'im for 
 havin', on sundry occasions, thrashed me within an 
 inch o' my life. I also mentioned for his special 
 comfort that I had been ane o' the ringleaders in 
 a certain diabolical conspeeracy, whilk resultit in 
 his leavin' a portion o' his velvet knee-breekies 
 stickin' fast to the seat o' the desk, whan he sprang 
 frae his perch like a whirlwin' to tak' vengeance on 
 the mutineers. 
 
 16
 
 242 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 At the Horse Shoe, whaurto we adjourned, we 
 fell in wi' the smith, John M'Briar, Patie Baisler, 
 an' a curn mair chields, wha where thrang ower 
 a bowlfu' o' toddy. Seein' the Dominie an' Mr. 
 Monypenny in my society, they were at nae loss 
 to guess the object o' my veesit to the Kirktoon 
 that nicht Needless to say, I cam' in for a guid 
 hantle o' guid-nater't banter, an' jokosity, an' in 
 the midst o't, Jock Jehu's name happened to come 
 abune buird. 
 
 " Ay, losh ! what'll Jock be thinkin' the morn's 
 forenune, whan he hears the purposed marriage 
 proclaimed ? " said the smith. 
 
 " Wha ? Coachy ? What is there to gar him 
 think mair nor ither fouk ? " inquired John 
 M'Briar. 
 
 " Ou, hae ye no heard ? " said the smith. " D'ye 
 no ken that Jock has been layin' a' oars i' the 
 watter to supperseed oor freen' Tarn in the affec- 
 tions o' that bonnie bit lassie o' his ? " 
 
 " Ay, ay," said Mr. M'Briar, " has he really been 
 tiyin' the trick wi' Tarn that Jacob played to his 
 brither Easy ? Weel, I juist canna thole tfyae kind 
 o' cattle that are aye for takin' whangs o' ither 
 fouk's leather. Isna there plenty o' lassies i' the 
 kintra-side that hae never had an offer ava?" 
 
 " Ay, scores o' them," replied the smith, " an' the 
 warst fau'red o' them guid eneugh for Jock Jehu." 
 
 " Weel, than," said Mr. M'Briar, " hoo sid he no 
 try for ane o' them? Onyhoo, he sid haud his 
 han's affen ither fouk's property, an' be hanged 
 till him!"
 
 THE BEUKIN 243 
 
 " 'Deed, ye've said the truth, John, gin ever ony 
 body said it," observed Patie Baisler ; " but hae ye 
 heard o' the soople scheme the scoondrel fell upon 
 to brak' aff the coortship atween Tarn an' his 
 intendit ? " 
 
 " No ; what was't ? " asked Mr. M'Briar. 
 
 " The smith there'll tell ye ; he kens better 
 aboot it than I do," said Patie, castin' an inquirin' 
 e'e towards Burnewin. 
 
 " Ou," began the smith, " a man was tellin' me 
 hoo he had seen i' the papers a notice o' Jehu's 
 marriage \vi' Miss Monypenny, an' a' body I've 
 spoken till on the subjeck are i' the belief that 
 Jehu was the owthor o' the leein' intimation 
 himsel'." 
 
 " But dear me," said Mr. M'Briar, " what guid 
 cud he expeck that to do him ava ? " 
 
 " A waiT o' guid, gin everything had gane till's 
 mind, replied the smith. " Ye see, Jehu had a 
 notion i' his noddle that Tarn wad maybe see the 
 paper indeed, I've heard it jealoused that he got 
 the new laundrymaid at Burleyrackit, wha wreats 
 a hand geyan like Miss Monypenny's, to address a 
 copy o' the paper to Tarn in Lon'on was that the 
 way o't, Tarn ? " 
 
 " Weel," says I, " the paper cam' to me onyhoo, 
 an' in it was the leein' intimation. Wha contrived 
 the lee, an' wha sent the paper, hooever, are ques- 
 tions I canna answer, though I've my ain thochts 
 on the subjeck." 
 
 " Aweel, ye see," resumed the smith, " it's the 
 opeenion o' some fouk I've spoken till, that Jehu
 
 244 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 thocht, by this mean trickery, to pit a stop to the 
 correspondence atvveen Tarn an' Tibbie, an' then 
 he wad hae had some sma' chance o' wormin' 
 himsel' intil her favour. Mair an' far'rer, he's sair 
 lee'd on gin he didna intercept the love-letters 
 atween Lon'on an' Breeriebuss. A man was tellin' 
 me though it micht breed mischief gin I were to 
 mention names that whan he gaed to St. Andrews 
 for the Laird's letters, he pretendit to the postman 
 that he had been bidden speer gin there was 
 ony letter for Miss Monypenny o' Breeriebuss. If 
 there was, then he wad get it awa wi' him, on 
 pretence o' handin' it to its richtfu' owner, but 
 what he did wi' a' the letters he got, he kens best 
 himsel' feint ane o' them reached Breeriebuss." 
 
 " Oh, the vile scoondrel that he is ! " exclaimed 
 Mr. Monypenny, waxin' wroth at the diabolical 
 revelation the smith was unfauldin', " but I'll hae 
 him weel soused for that, though ! " 
 
 " Na, na," interposed the smith, tryin' to saften 
 him doon a wee, "ye maun do naething o' the 
 kind. Ye see, my informant gi'ed me the story in 
 a great secret, an' afore he wad tell me I had to 
 promise no to open my mooth aboot it. Sae, for 
 my sake, ye'll juist let him gang for the rogue that 
 he is." 
 
 "But hoo had he managed wi' the letters 
 addressed to me ? " said I, " Tibbie's letters, ye 
 ken?" 
 
 " Ou, ay, that's weel mindit," said the smith, 
 pourin' ower a gless o' toddy to clear his wizzen, 
 " I was forgettin' that pairt o' the story. Weel, ye
 
 THE BEUKIN' 245 
 
 see, Tibbie's letters bein' aye left wastbye at Janet 
 Wabster's, to be sent on to St. Andrews by the 
 carrier, Jehu, pretendin' as usual to be very ob- 
 leegin', wad halt ilka day on his wey to the Post 
 Office, an' offer to tak' what letters she had alang 
 wi' him for naething. To this proposal Janet had 
 nae objections to offer, as she thereby gat a' the 
 pennies till herseP, that itherwise wad hae gane 
 intil the carrier's pouch. Whanever there was a 
 letter addressed to Tarn in Tibbie's hand-wreat, ye 
 needna doot it was curnabbit furthwith." 
 
 " Haigh, I'se gie the fallow a fleg for his impid- 
 dence, if I sid do nae mair ! " cried Mr. Monypenny, 
 bringing his ponderous neive doon on the feckless 
 fir table wi' sic a dreedfu' thump, that the toddy- 
 bowl stottit aff its bottom an' lichtit on it braidside, 
 skailin' a' the guid swats, whilk flowed ower the 
 surface o' the buird, juist like the water that 
 followed the children o' Israel through the wilder- 
 ness o' Zin, whan the wrathfu' prophet smote the 
 rock in Horeb. The liquid element, makin' tracks 
 for Patie Baisler's edge o' the table, wad sune hae 
 overflowed its banks an' wat a' the legs o's breeks, 
 had he no preventit it by clappin' his mou' to the 
 current, an' sookin' it up wi' a' his micht an' main. 
 John M'Briar, seein' hoo quickly the sap was 
 vainishin' doon Patie's throat, an' richtly jealousin' 
 that gin he didna help himsel' nae ither body wad 
 do sae, fell to the sookin' likewise. The smith, 
 never hin'most whan there was drink to be drucken, 
 fallow't the general example. By their unitit 
 efforts the decks were cleared in a wonderfu' short
 
 246 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 space o' time. Not a solitary syllable was uttered 
 by onybody there present, except by Mr. Mony- 
 penny, wha sat reproachin' himsel' wi' havin' been 
 instrumental in the skailin' o' the sup guid drink. 
 The honest man insistit on bein' at the expense o' 
 frauchtin' the bowl afresh, an' sae makin' amends 
 for his faut. This, hooever, I wad by nae means 
 hear tell o', as the mischanter was entirely due to 
 a pardonable excess o' zeal on his pairt for the 
 vindication o' my honour an' that o' my beloved 
 Tibbie. I ordered ben anither half mutchkin, an' 
 pey'd the lawin' oot o' my ain pouch, an' Mr. 
 Squeeker declared I had ackit in the emergency 
 like a perfect gentleman. 
 
 While the second browst was a-brewin', John 
 M'Briar had been sittin' earnestly cogitatin', an' I 
 was in expectation o naething short o' a nuptial 
 ode frae him as the fruit o' his silent meditations, 
 whan, startin' to his feet like a bein' possessed, he 
 cried oot that a brilliant idea had juist flashed 
 athort his mind. 
 
 " Yea, John, what is't, man ? " inquired the smith. 
 
 " What wad ye think o' gettin' Jehu decoyed 
 into the lateran the morn's forenune, an' garrin' 
 him mak' the marriage proclamation wi' his ain 
 mooth ? " said Mr. M'Briar, chucklin' at the thocht 
 o' the embarrassment Coachy wad be sure to feel 
 at bein' placed in sic a delicate sitiwation. 
 
 " Capital ! " exclaimed Burnewin, clappin' 's black 
 horny looves thegither wi' glee at the bricht idea. 
 " Maist beautifu', I declare ! Od man, John, ye're 
 a droll shaiver, for wha but yer ain sel wad hae
 
 THE BEUKIN' 24.7 
 
 thocht o' sic a queer projeck ! To be sure ! Get 
 Jehu into the lateran the morn. Mr. Squeeker 
 winna objeck to onything sae rizzenable as that. 
 Wha are ye to hae helpin' ye the morn's forenune, 
 Mr. Squeeker?" 
 
 " Well, Sir," replied the Dominie, " I was just 
 thinking of applying to our friend Mr. Baisler here 
 for a day's work as I'm not very fit for duty 
 myself now but if you would like Mr. Jehu to go 
 in for a day, I sha'n't object. The fellow can't 
 sing much, as we all know, but he can roar loud 
 enough, and he is willing to make himself useful 
 in that way " 
 
 " As weel as in vaurious ither weys," said M'Briar, 
 parenthetically, an' glowerin' me hard i' the face at 
 the same time. 
 
 " In fact he is quite proud of it," continued the 
 Dominie, "and I believe, by asking him to take 
 my place to-morrow, I shall not only oblige you, 
 but do him infinite honour in his own eyes. I 
 shall speak to him on the subject." 
 
 " Dinna tell him wha's to be cried till he's safe 
 i' the box," said M'Briar, " or ye'll fin' he winna 
 gang in ava." 
 
 " Oh no, I'll take care that he doesn't receive the 
 lines till he is in the lateran," said the Dominie. 
 
 Havin' arranged this little plot to oor satisfac- 
 tion, we toomed oor jorums, pey'd the lawin' an' 
 pair tit for the nicht.
 
 CHAPTER XXIV 
 
 THE WADDIN' 
 
 NEIST mornin', the Smith, John M'Briar, Patie 
 Baisler, an' several ithers, wha had been 
 adverteezed o' the rod that had been laid in pickle 
 for the coachman, were at the kirk betimes to see 
 hoo the bools wad row. The plot turned oot a 
 perfect success. Puir Jehu mountit the rostrum 
 an' surveyed the congregation wi' the air o' a man 
 thoroughly satisfeed wi' himsel' an' wi' a' the warl', 
 never suspectin' i' the meantime that a score o' een 
 were closely scrutineezin' his movements, or that 
 an ordeal sae bitter an' distastefu' was in store 
 for him. 
 
 Juist as Mortclaith gi'ed the bell the hin'most 
 clink, an' as the venerable coontenance o' the Rev. 
 Gabriel Gowlanthump appeared atween the door 
 cheeks, Mr. Squeeker hirpilt his wa's inbye to the 
 lateran an' handit up the intimation o' my intendit 
 marriage. Alas, for puir Jehu ! what a red face he 
 tane till himsel' whan he unfauldit the paperie, an' 
 cuist His een across the contents ! Andra Sooter, 
 wha cam' ower to Buttonhole i' the gloamin', an' 
 tauld me a' aboot it, declared that the puir sinner 
 lookit the very pictur' o' meesery. Bitter as the pill 
 
 248
 
 THE WADDIN' 249 
 
 was, hooever, it had to be swallowed. Springin' 
 till's feet like a jack-i'-the-box, he tried sair to hide 
 his confusion, but a' wadna do : his knees smote 
 forgainst ilk ither, his teeth rattled in 's head like 
 Jim Crow's clatter-banes, his voice had a husky 
 soon' aboot it, startlin' to them wha were un- 
 acquantit wi' the cause thereof. He bummilled 
 through the proclamation juist as gin he had been 
 a condemned criminal standin' on the staps o' the 
 gallows, makin' his last deein' speech an' confession, 
 an' momentarily expectin' Hangie to pu' oot the 
 pin an' set him a-dancin' upon naething. Never 
 was mortal man in a state o' greater mortifeecation 
 than was Jehu that day. At the skailin' o' the 
 kirk he slinkit his wa's hame, withoot loungin' 
 aboot at the Style, (as was his wont after bein' i' 
 the lateran), to receive frae his cronies the lauda- 
 tion he considered to be due to his mervellous gift 
 o' sacred sang. 
 
 In this wey was Jehu constrained to len' a hand 
 in promotin' my marriage wi' Tibbie Monypenny, 
 after he had employed a' his airts an' blandish- 
 ments to bring aboot a very different result. 
 
 To me the period o' bridegroom-hood was ony- 
 thing but a time o' idleset I was keepit trottin' 
 here an' there attendin' to this, that, an' the ither 
 thing, till I was naur trachled aff my feet Ae day 
 I wad be in at St. Andrews, pushin' them on wi' 
 the makin' o' the mahogany things. Neist day 1 
 wad be ower at Dundee, layin' in providin' o' 
 vaurious kin's. Ae nicht I wad be alang at the 
 wricht's to see what progress he was makin' wi'
 
 250 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 the beds, the nicht followin' I wad be wast at 
 Breeriebuss, takin' Tibbie's advice anent certain 
 kittle points wherein she claimed to exerceese a 
 co-ordinate jurisdiction. Gang whaur I likit my 
 han' was never oot o' my pouch, indeed it has 
 seldom been oot o't sinsyne for langer than sax 
 oors on end, except when I've been sleepin'. I 
 wasna lang in findin' a use for the five an' thirty 
 guineas I brocht wi' me frae Lon'on. 
 
 The maist vexin' thing ava was that I cudna set 
 my nose oot-ower the door withoot bein' glowered 
 at as gin I had fa'en frae the cluds. Whan I 
 passed the Kirktoon to St. Andrews, the minister's 
 servant hizzies wad be oot goupin' an' govin' after 
 me as gin I had- been awin' them something, an' 
 makin' my approachin' waddin' the subjeck o' 
 speakilation. John M'Briar's auldest dochter a 
 daft, ram-stam, hallokit quean she maun hae a 
 rub o' the bridegroom's shoother, an' sae maun 
 Andra Sooter, an' sae maun ilka ane I forgaithered 
 wi'. Whan I paid a veesit to Breeriebuss ony nicht, 
 my movements were narrowly watched by Tibbie's 
 neebors, unless I creepit alang dyke sides, an' 
 through fields as gin I had been on some unlawfu' 
 business. It was kent to a meenute whan I arrived, 
 whan I left, an' what I had been doin'. As for 
 Tibbie, she was equally up to the e'eholes in 
 business, an' equally an objeck o' public interest 
 an' observation. Nicht an' day was she thrang at 
 the needle makin' her tyken, blankets, sheets, 
 codwares, an' a' the ither nameless nick-nacks in- 
 cludit in the inventory o' a bride's plenishin'. She
 
 THE WADDIW 251 
 
 had to enterteen a' her female acquantances, wha 
 cam' frae far an' near to see her braverie. 
 
 The feet-washin' ploy, on the eve o' the waddin'- 
 day, was anither business that had to be gane aboot, 
 an' what fun an' gilravage we did kick up at that 
 job ! Andra Sooter scrapit frae the boddom o' the 
 whey-pat a curn coal bleck, which he wrocht up, 
 wi' cawnel creesh, into a black clorty compound, 
 wherewith he mairtered my feet to sic a fearfu' 
 extent that it seemed as gin they wad never look 
 like Christian feet ahent it. Havin' abused me to 
 their hearts' content, they at last fell foul o' ane 
 anither's faces, makin' perfect frichts o' themsel's, 
 an' playin' a' manner o' pranks that could be 
 thocht on. 
 
 The momentous day, destined by the pooers o' 
 fate to make me either happy or meeserable through 
 a' the subsequent stages o' my earthly pilgrimage, 
 dawned at length upon this oor sin-laden planet. 
 The ne'er an e'e did I steek a' the precedin' nicht 
 not that I enterteened evil forbodin's by ony mainner 
 o' means, but the excitement o' the feet-washin' 
 ploy, addit to the thocht o' what I had afore my 
 han', had the effect o' banishin' the drowsy god 
 entirely frae my pillow. By the skraigh o' day I 
 was on fit, wanderin' aboot the hoose like a ghaist, 
 rehearsin' in my ain mind the programme o' the 
 furthcomin' performance, an' studyin' in an especial 
 mainner the pairt in the drama I wad hae to play, 
 sae that whan the curtain raise I micht be able to 
 acquit mysel' to the admiration o' a' beholders. 
 
 As we had to be in Dundee that nicht, the
 
 252 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 nuptial knot had to be tied on the back o' denner- 
 time. Determined to do the thing in style, I had 
 trystit a chaise an' pair frae the Fleein' Horse to 
 transport mysel' an' my freen's frae Buttonhole 
 to Breeriebuss, an' the happy couple frae thence to 
 Newport after the ceremony was ower. The chaise 
 was grandly daikered oot wi' evergreens. The 
 horses sportit a profusion o' pink ribbons aboot 
 their heads, an' their lugs were clothed in things 
 like white doddie-mittens. The Rev. Gabriel 
 Gowlanthump was to offeeciate as the high priest 
 o' Hymen ; Andra Sooter was to be best man ; an' 
 my sister Chirstie best maid. 
 
 The livin' cargo in the chaise comprehendit Mr. 
 Gowlanthump wha was pickit up at the Horse 
 Shoe, whaur he had been imbibin' a wee sirple o' 
 Mrs. Snifters' "entire" afore settin' oot, wi' the 
 view o' infusin' a little warmth intil's fushionless 
 carkitch the best maid an' best man, Miss Peggy 
 Paitrick an' mysel' inside ; while Sandy Reekie an' 
 my brither Jock, wha had come frae Glesca for the 
 great occasion, sat on the dickie aside the driver. 
 As for my faither, he had gane to Breeriebuss i' 
 the cuddy cairt an oor or twa previous ; while my 
 mither was owerby in Dundee settin' things to 
 richts against oor hame-gaun. 
 
 " Smack went the whip, round went the wheels," 
 an' awa' we gaed, amid a perfect hurricane o' cheers, 
 an' an avalanche o' auld bauchles. Mrs. Wabster, 
 Miss M'Briar, an' a curn mair idle dames, had come 
 to see us aff, ilk ane o' them providit wi' a lapfu' 
 o' auld shoon procured for the occasion frae Saunders
 
 THE WADDIN' 253 
 
 Broganawl, which they shoored upon us wi' com- 
 mendable veegour. On turnin' the geyl o' the 
 hoose a volley o' musketry, let aff by the young 
 blacksmith billies, salutit oor lugs, frichtenin' the 
 horses an' garrin' them spang forrit at a smairt 
 canter. The haill kintra side seemed to be in a 
 perfect steer aboot my marriage. Ilka door atween 
 Buttonhole an' Breeriebuss had its parteek'lar 
 collection o' onlookers. Every tongue was busy 
 discussin' the meerits an' demeerits o' the bride an' 
 bridegroom. A' the while frae ayont yaird-dykes 
 an' swine's cruives auld roosty blunderbusses keepit 
 up an incessant pluff, pluffin' in a mainner that 
 was mair startlin' than edifeein'. 
 
 Whan we arrived at Breeriebuss, we faun' every 
 thing ready for action. The denner dishes were 
 set doon, Tibbie was arrayed in her braw white 
 goon , an' Mrs. Monypenny was trottin' but the 
 hoose an' ben the hoose in a state o' great agitation. 
 Tibbie lookit charmin', of coorse a' smiles an' 
 blushes ! Her slae-black e'en, her rosy cheeks an' 
 her cherry mou', lookit blacker, rosier, an' cherrier 
 than I had ever seen them do afore. In her breistie 
 there was a flutter o' excitement that was clear ! 
 There was a crystal blob o' saat watter in ilk e'e as 
 she cam' ben leanin' on her faither's airm that was 
 veesible ! There was a slicht quiver on her lip as 
 she uttered the irrevocable "yes" that was per- 
 ceptible ! But the fiutterin' heart, the tear-bedewed 
 e'e, an' the quiverin' lip only addit till her charms 
 in my estimation. 
 
 As we joined hands I pressed her loof in mine
 
 254 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 wi' a' the ardency o' unswervin' affection, an' re- 
 ceived frae hers a gentle squeeze in return which 
 betokened the existence o' a reciprocity o' feelin' 
 exceedin'ly cheerin' an' refreshin' to the soul. 
 
 Mr. Gowlanthump performed the ceremony wi' 
 great unction and solemnity. He warned Tibbie 
 that it was her pairt to love, honour and obey, an' 
 he tauld me plain oot that it was my duty to love, 
 honour an' command. At the conclusion there was 
 a shakin' o' han's a' roon', an' a general kissin' o' 
 the bride, causin' Tibbie to blush to the very tips 
 o' her lugs at havin' her cherry lips thus pree'd 
 "afore folk." 
 
 Havin' partaken o' a chack o' dinner mair for 
 form's sake than for ocht else, hooever, for Tibbie 
 an' me had an appetite for naething that day but 
 a feast o' love the chaise was re-yokit, an' awa 
 we birlt to the Waterside amid the fareweels, 
 congratulations, an' blessin's o' the" haill company. 
 
 A grand supper an' ball in honour o' the auspee- 
 cious event tane place at nicht in Mr. Monypenny's 
 strae-barn. The feck o' the neebors, baith auld an' 
 young, were inveetit to be present ; an' there they 
 danced to the stirrin' strains o' Blin' Archie's fiddle, 
 feastit themsel's on pies an' roast-beef, an' drank 
 to the health an' happiness o' the newly waddit 
 couple till four o'clock neist mornin'. 
 
 As for Tibbie an' me, we reached Dundee safe 
 an' soon', an' tane possession o' oor ain fireside. 
 My mither met us atween the door-cheeks, an' 
 brak' the customary cake o' shortbread aboon the 
 bride's head for luck as we crossed the threshold.
 
 THE WADDIN' 255 
 
 Thus was I led, in the coorse o' Providence to 
 set up in business on my ain accoont, an' to tak' 
 into the concern a sleepin' pairtner in the person 
 o' Tibbie Monypenny. This latter stap I've never 
 seen reason to repent o', as it has proved an 
 unspeakable blessin' to baith parties.
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 AMONG THE "MEN O' THE MEARNS." 
 
 JEAMES WITHERSPOON, wha had been 
 land-steward on Burleyrackit, for a wheen years 
 afore an' after my marriage, havin' saved some 
 bawbees, settled doon belyve as a farmer i' the 
 Howe o' the Mearns. While at Burleyrackit he 
 had fa'en on wi' my sister Chirstie, an' in due time 
 he marriet her. The name o' his farm was 
 Crummiehillocks, near by the toon o' Lawren'kirk. 
 Bein' a famous haun' at buyin' an' sellin' nowtc, 
 Jeames cam' aften to Dundee, to attend its famous 
 Stobs' Fair, an' he seldom cam' withoot bringin' 
 his gudewife alang wi' him, to see her sooth-aboot 
 freen's. 
 
 Of coorse, it wasna to be expeckit that Mrs. 
 Witherspoon wad come trauchlin' sae far ilka year 
 to see us unless we returned her veesits noo an' 
 than. But afore the railway had been startit 
 through the " Howe " a journey to Lawren'kirk, 
 was nae sma' undertakin'. After we cud gang by 
 rail hooever, we had nae excuse for bidin' at hame. 
 Sae it was arranged at ween Jeames an' me ae year 
 whan he cam' to Stobs' Fair that Tibbie an' me 
 
 256
 
 AMONG THE "MEN O THE MEARNS" 257 
 
 wad gang the length o' Crummiehillocks at the 
 neist New Year's time. 
 
 The weather whan we set oot, was snell an' 
 frosty. The dubs were bund in icy fetters an' the 
 gran' clad in a snawy mantle. Tibbie fortifeed her 
 chowks wi' a new sable boa I had coft for the 
 occasion, sae that feint a feature o' her face 
 remained veesible, except the neb o' her nose, which 
 was as blue as a blawart. As for me I enveloped 
 my body in a big coat, an' coiled a white worstit 
 gravat roon' my craig, an' cud thole the cauld 
 withoot a murmur. 
 
 On reachin' Lauren'kirk we faun' Jeames 
 Witherspoon in a' his glory waitin' at the Station 
 to gie us a warm welcome an' a ride in's dogcairt 
 to Crummiehillocks. Jeames had been thochtfully 
 layin' in provinder, for in the cairt there were twa 
 greybeards ane o' them fu' o' genuine " Fettercairn," 
 an' the ither chairged wi' what he ca'd " the real 
 North Port." Jeames huild the whup reekin' aboot 
 the pownie's lugs, an' we drave on like Jehu to 
 Crummiehillocks whaur we faun' Mrs. Witherspoon 
 overjoyed to forgaither wi' us aince mair. 
 
 It was close on four-oors time whan we reached 
 Crummiehillocks. Mrs. Witherspoon was busy 
 settin' doon the tea dishes. Havin' excheenged 
 salutations wi' Tibbie an' me, she informed us, that 
 in order to gie proper pomp to oor veesit, she had 
 inveetit a curn o' the neeborin' farmers, an' their 
 families to drink a cup o' tea wi' us that nicht. 
 
 A wee afore five o'clock the company begoud to 
 arrive. Some cam' in spring-cairts, some on horse- 
 
 17
 
 258 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 back, an' ithers on shanks-naig. First cam' 
 Saunders Branks, Mrs. Branks, an' Miss Branks 
 frae Pirvvickety, a ferm o' twa ploos' labour, lyin' 
 close beside Crummiehillocks. Saunders cud name 
 a' the dealers in cattle an' horses atween the Moray 
 Firth an' the Firth o' Forth. He had been as far 
 north as John o' Groat's an' as far sooth as Morpeth 
 in pursuit o' nowte. His gudewife was a perfect 
 model o' a woman, for she listened to a' he had to 
 say an' said naething in return, but juist sat an' 
 glowered intil her gudeman's face in silent admira- 
 tion. Miss Branks was a rosy cheekit, bouncin' 
 dame o' nineteen or twenty ; she was a wee thocht 
 blate afore strangers, but was nane the waur o' 
 that. I sune saw that she was ower the lugs in 
 love wi' ane o' the guests named Mr. William 
 Rouster, a theological student frae Aberdeen, an' 
 cousin-germain to Peter Hoggie, anither ane o' the 
 guests, wha had a sma' tackie ca'd Heatherie- 
 Knowe, lyin' some four or five miles to the nor'ard 
 in a cosy glack o' the Grampians. Next cam' 
 Andra Swingletree o' Puddlemadubhie an' his 
 better-half. His better-half she was in twa senses, 
 for Andra, like " Heather Jock," was " lang an' 
 thin," while Mrs S. was shapen on the model 
 o' a sackfu' o' caff wi' a raip tied roon' the middle 
 o't. They were accompanied by their dochter, 
 Miss Swingletree, wha seemed to hae great faith in 
 the efficacy o' red ribbands to add to her personal 
 chairms. It was easy to be seen that she was ettlin' 
 to get hersel' installed as the gudewife o' Heathcrie- 
 Knowe. No the least noteworthy personage
 
 AMONG THE "MEN ff THE MEARNS" 259 
 
 present was Simon Yettlin the blacksmith, wha 
 farmed ten or twal acres o' land, tane a pooerfu' 
 dram whan he cud get it, kent mair aboot State 
 affairs. than statesmen did themsel's, an' cud lat aff 
 an ill-faured aith at times whan the " speerit " 
 moved him. 
 
 The company bein' a" assembled, Mrs. Wither- 
 spoon rang the bell, an' up cam' the servant lassie 
 wi' the teapat i' the tae han' an' a brass kettle i' 
 the tither. Jeames, no bein' muckle o' a spokes- 
 man himsel', glowered at the embryonic divine, an 
 said in solemn tones, " Maister Rouster, ye'll gie's a 
 word afore we start." Sae Mr. Rouster winkit his 
 een an' set aff like a day's wark. 
 
 Afore he was half-through wi' his guid words 
 Simon Yettlin was gauntin' like to rive his jaws. 
 
 Rouster havin' feenished his bit jobbie, we a' fell 
 tooth an' nail to the demoleetion o' the stacks o' 
 provinder, under which the table was literally 
 groanin'. There was rowth o' fish, flesh, an' fowl 
 mountains o' buttered toast oceans o' the richest 
 cream an' a hearty welcome to eat an' drink yer 
 fill ! At a farmer's table ilk ane lays his lugs into 
 what's set afore 'im in sic a wey as to show that 
 he's no ashamed to eat whan he's hungry, nor to 
 drink whan he's dry. To sum up a', i' the words 
 _>' the poet, 
 
 " The company made a most splendid appearance, 
 And ate bread and butter with great perseverance." 
 
 Tea bein' ower, Jeames says to Mrs. Wither- 
 spoon, heigh oot, " Gudewife, hae ye ony het
 
 260 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 watter ? " Mrs. Witherspoon winks to the servant 
 lassie, wha was brushin' up the crumbs, an' whispers 
 intil her lug, "Jenny, fetch up the warm watter." 
 Nae mention was made o' the whiskey bottle, but 
 weel kent Jenny that the whiskey was even mair 
 indispensable than the het watter. Up she comes 
 in a jiffey, wi' a trayfu' o' tum'lers, glesses, an' toddy 
 aidles ; an' i' the midst o' them too'ered aloft twa 
 lang-neckit bottles ane o' them labelled " North 
 Port," an' the ither " Fettercairn." 
 
 The next few minutes, naething was heard but 
 the clatter o' crystal, an' naething seen but speeritual 
 oam ascendin' to the ceilin' in fragrant volumes 
 frae half-a-dizzen o' tum'lers. Healths were drunk 
 a' roon', an' in proportion as the maut got aboon 
 the meal, the conversation becam' fast an' furious. 
 Saunders Branks began an animated accoont o' his 
 experiences wi' the thimble-riggers at the last 
 Paldy Fair, an' boastit hoo he had gi'en them in 
 their cheenge whan they thocht to get him to stake 
 a five-pun' note on the chance o' catchin' the pea. 
 " Weel kent I far the pea was," said Saunders, " but 
 it wadna be for a five-pun' note that I wad gang 
 to tempt Providence in that wey." 
 
 Simultaneously wi' Saunders' disquiseetion on 
 thimble-riggin', Andra Swingletree was discussin' 
 wi' Mr. Hoggie, the best wey o' curin' the " staggers." 
 
 Meanwhile, Jeames Witherspoon hadna his 
 tongue in's pouch, for Simon Yettlin an' he were 
 discussin' the question o' bane-spavin in horses. 
 
 At the ither end o' the table, Mr. Rouster was 
 tryin' to mak' the maist o' his sma 1 stock o'
 
 AMONG THE "MEN O THE MEARNS" 261 
 
 academic lore, \vi' the view o' ticklin' the lugs o' 
 Miss Branks, wha sat a' een an' mou' as at the 
 feet o' a Gamaliel, drinkin' in the Greek, Latin, 
 an' Hebrew quotations o' her beloved, as gin she 
 understood every word o' them, an' fixin' her 
 earnest gaze upon his blue sparticles, wherefrom 
 there shot love-shafts that pierced to the innermost 
 core o' her palpitatin' bosom. 
 
 Amid a' this logic choppin', hooever, the joram 
 was never negleckit for a single moment. It con- 
 tinued to circulate wi' the utmost reegularity, an' 
 the faster it gaed roon' the faster an' looder grew 
 the fun. Even Mr. William Rouster caught the 
 infection belyve, an' turnin' to Andra Swingletree, 
 wha was a famous han' at a sang, bawled oot in 
 guid braid Scots " Come awa' noo, Puddlie man, 
 an' gie's a sang!" Nae sooner said than dune. 
 Andra tossed aff a gless o' toddy, gied twa hoasts, 
 an' set aff at the gallop wi 
 
 JANET JAMIESON. 
 
 A WOEFUL BALLAD. 
 
 Come all ye pretty fair maids, and listen to my lay ; 
 Likewise ye gallant ploughmen all, give heed to what I say. 
 It was a blooming modest maid, was hoeing on the farm, 
 And she did spy a gentle-man, with gun beneath his arm. 
 
 The gentleman came up to her, and thus to her did say 
 " What is thy name, where is thy hame, my pretty maid, I 
 
 pray ? " 
 "My hame is there, kind sir," she said, "beside yon wood so 
 
 green : 
 My name is Janet Jamieson, as I've inform-ed been."
 
 262 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 " O Janet Jamieson," he said, " thou art a lovely queen ; 
 And fitter far for lordly hall than hoeing neeps, I ween. 
 It's come along with me, sweet maid, and I will busk thee 
 
 rare, 
 In ribbands, silks and satinetts, and gold beyond compare. 
 
 " It's come along with me, sweet maid, and give to me thine 
 
 hand, 
 And thou shalt ride a milk-white steed, with servants at 
 
 command." 
 
 " Oh no, no, gentle sir," she said, " I fear that cannot be, 
 I'm not a match for you, kind sir, as you may plainly see. 
 
 " And I do love a gallant swain, who drives the cart and 
 
 plough : 
 To marry him at Whit-sunday, to Heaven I've pledged my 
 
 vow." 
 
 " To go with me thou must consent," this gentleman replied ; 
 " Or with this gun my life I'll take, this moment by thy side. 
 
 " I've sought through all great London town, some one my 
 
 wife to be ; 
 
 But never maiden have I seen, to be compared with thee." 
 Oh, then, unto his flattering words, the maiden gave consent, 
 And to his hall that very night along with him she went. 
 
 But, Oh ! alas ! and lack-a-day ! a week had not passed o'er, 
 When this false-hearted gentleman did turn her from his 
 
 door. 
 She wandered east, she wandered west, asham-ed to be 
 
 seen, 
 But never sought her father's cot, beside the wood so green. 
 
 She wandered south, she wandered north, she shunned the 
 face of men ; 
 
 Her food the hip, and wild ber-rie, her home the lonesome 
 glen. 
 
 She wandered up, she wandered down, and long ere 
 Christmas tide, 
 
 A shepherd found her clay-cold corpse upon a bleak hill- 
 side.
 
 AMONG THE "MEN O' THE M EARNS" 263 
 
 The cruel gentleman, also, he never more did thrive ; 
 For in the wars of Hindostan, it's he was killed alive. 
 Now all ye swains and maidens gay, come, listen every one, 
 And take a lesson from the tale of Janet Jamieson. 
 
 Andra's health an' sang was proposed by Jeames 
 an' drunk by the haill company wi' a' the honours. 
 Mr. Hoggie fired aff, " The Ploughman's court- 
 ship," wi' great glee ; the haill company joinin' i' 
 the chorus, snappin' their fingers an' stampin' wi' 
 their tackety shoon like mad. 
 
 Amid a' this merriment the bottle keepit movin' 
 roon' the table juist like clock-wark. Ae browst o* 
 toddy after anither vanished like lichtnin', an' ilka 
 new browst addit new veegour to the general hilarity. 
 As they were speakin' an' laughin' a' throughither, 
 it dang me to mak' sense o't A' I cud catch was 
 a mixed reel-rail o' words whaurin " stots," " queys," 
 " neepseed," " horse-dung," " clover," " harrows," 
 " farrow-soos," an' " fanners," were the maist empha- 
 tical, but what it was a' aboot was a mystery to me. 
 
 Supper was set at the dead 'oor o' nicht, an' 
 hoo Mrs. Witherspoon's pies an' stuffed chuckies 
 disappeared ! By this time Simon Yettlin was 
 half-blin', but he wad persist in carvin' the chickens, 
 contrairy to his wife's advice, whan the fork slippit 
 aff the breist-bane, wi' the result that he jaupit wi' 
 the jice a' the young leddies' white goons, greatly 
 to their vexation. Simon atoned for's faut by 
 tholin' the full bellum o' Mrs. Yettlin's tongue for 
 the space o' five meenutes. 
 
 Supper ower there was anither roon' o' toddy ; 
 the lang neckit bottles had been toomed an' filled
 
 264 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 ower an' ower again i' the coorse o' the e'enin', but 
 nane o' the guests seemed to be muckle the waur o' 
 their deep potations. Only " Yettlie," as they ca'd 
 the smith, appeared to hae drucken mair than was 
 guid for him. Whan we a' raise an' stood han' in 
 han' roon' the table wi' the view o' singin' " Auld 
 Langsyne " afore pairtin', Simon cud hardly balance 
 himsel' ava. He sweyed back an' fore like a barn 
 door in a windy day, an' cud get naething oot 
 except the final " Langsyne," wi' an unco sleepy 
 like drone. As for me, I didna exceed twa- 
 tum'lers ; for whan Tibbie saw the wey they were 
 gaun to wark, she trampit on my fit, an' winkit 
 hard i' my face, as gin she wad hae said, " Tak' 
 care o' yersel', Tammas ! drink at leisure, lad ! " 
 
 The leddies havin' rigged themsels oot in their 
 bannets an' plaids, the men-fouk yokit their gigs, 
 or saddled their pownies, an' after shakin' han's 
 a' roon' "each took aff his several way." Afore 
 leavin', hooever, Mr. an' Mrs. Swingletree garred 
 Tibbie an' me promise to gang to Puddlemadubhie 
 neist afternoon, an' patroneeze their New Year's 
 pairty, which was to consist mainly o' the persons 
 we had forgaithered wi' that nicht. 
 
 On arrivin' at Puddlemadubhie the followin' day 
 we haundit ower the leddies to the care o' Mrs. 
 an' Miss Swingletree, while Jeames, an' me, an' 
 Mr. Swingletree proceedit on a tour o' inspection 
 roon' the farm steadin.' 
 
 This jobbie bein' feenished we set aff to the 
 mill-dam to hae a roon' or twa o' slidin' on the 
 ice. The dam was a hunder yairds or twa in
 
 AMONG THE "MEN O' THE MEARNS" 265 
 
 length, an' the ice being as smooth as gless we had 
 scouth to cut as mony capers on't as heart cud wuss. 
 Jeames an' Andra were expert haun's, but as for me 
 I hadna tried slidin' sin' I was a laddie i' the East 
 Neuk, an' consequently I faun' it a dreigh job to 
 keep my heels an' my head on the plumb. I was 
 as aften on my beam-en's as on my feet. Aye whan 
 I came doon wi' the tither bump Andra lauched, 
 an' Jeames lauched an' I lauched, an' we lauched 
 a' throu'ither, an' ye never heard sic lauchin' 's we 
 had. We had gane on at this rate for better nor 
 half an oor, whan I cam' doon wi' a sairer bump 
 than ordinar', an' the ice gi'ed wey under me, an' 
 in I plumpit ower the head. Jeames an' Andra 
 bein' at the tither end o' the dam whan the thing 
 happened, there was naebody naur bye to gie me 
 a haun' oot. They heard the crack, hooever, an' 
 missin' sicht o' me, they guessed what was up, an' 
 cam' rinnin' to my succour. Gettin' a grip o' 
 me by the heels, they hauled me oot juist as I was 
 gettin' into the dead thraws. Saunders Branks 
 cam' on the scene at this preceese nick o' time, an' 
 wi' his assistance Jeames an' Andra managed to 
 land me on Terry-finny. 
 
 We had juist turned the corner o' the hoose 
 whan Tibbie, an' Mrs. Swingletree, an' Miss 
 Swingletree, an' Mrs. Branks, an' Miss Branks, an' 
 Yettlin an' his wife, an' the Heatherie-Knowe fouk 
 (for-they had a" arrived while we were on the ice), 
 burst furth frae the front door like bees frae a bike. 
 
 "Oh, Tammas! Tammas ! " exclaimed Tibbie, 
 wi' an ootgush o' affection that half-blindit 'er, an'
 
 266 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 rushin' forrit an 1 takin' me a' in her airms, " ye'll 
 be brocht in a corp to me some o' thae days yet ! 
 What for are ye sae venturesome ? Gin ye dinna 
 regaird yer life for yer ain sake, hae some sma' 
 respeck for the feelin's o' yer puir wife ! Oh, 
 Tammas ! Tammas ! promise me this very instant, 
 an' afore a' thae witnesses, that ye'll never, never 
 do the like again." 
 
 Jeames an" Andra convoyed me upstairs to a 
 bedroom. My teeth were rattlin' i' my head wi' 
 the cauld. Wi' Tibbie's help I cuist aff my dreepin' 
 duds, tumbl't into bed, an' crap ower the head 
 amang the blankets. Mrs. Swingletree, bein' a 
 thochtfu' bodie, filled three or four greybeards wi' 
 het water, an' laid them roon' me. Andra brewed 
 a tum'ler o' double-strong toddy, an' compelled 
 me to sook up the last drap o't ; an' I felt muckle 
 the better o't, for the sweat brak' oot a' ower my 
 body, an' i' the name o' nae time I grew as cosie as 
 a pie. 
 
 My share o' the tea was brocht to me on a 
 server, it bein' the general opeenion o' the women- 
 fouk that it wadna be safe for me to quat my cosie 
 biel', at least until I sid hear the clatter o' the 
 toddy-ladles. The ringle o' the crystal, therefore, 
 was the signal for me to creep intil the dry duds 
 Andra Swingletree had providit for me, until sic 
 time as my ain toggery sid be dried at the kitchen 
 fire. 
 
 Havin' completit my toilet, I stappit doon' to 
 the dinin' room. Nae sooner did 1 show my neb 
 in ower the threshold o' the door, than the young
 
 AMONG THE "MEN O' THE MEARNS" 267 
 
 leddies got oot wi' a lood burst o' merriment. 
 Tibbie sprang till 'er feet, tane me by the shoothers, 
 an' shoved me afore her upstairs again to the 
 bedroom. 
 
 " The sorra's i' the man ! " said she, as sune's 
 she cud gather breath to set her tongue a wallopin'. 
 " Hoo wad ye mak' an' eediot o' yoursel' an' me 
 baith, by facin' sic a respectable company in that 
 frichtsome nicht-cap ? Tak' it aff this very instant, 
 or haud awa' to yer bed again ; for feint ae fit sail 
 ye enter the dinin'-room, wi' that bogle on yer 
 head'! " 
 
 " Nicht-cap ! " said I, puttin' up my han' an* 
 puin' it aff by the croon. " Losh, an' ye're richt, 
 Tibbie. What fouk dinna see doesna vex them. 
 I'm sure I kent as little aboot that nicht-cap bein' 
 on my head as the child unborn." 
 
 Havin' made me wise an' warl' like, as she 
 express't it, Tibbie pronounced me fit to rejoin the 
 company, an' doon' I cam' accordin'ly. 
 
 I needna describe at length the farther occur- 
 rents o' the e'enin', as they were, in maist respects, 
 a repeteetion o' what had tane place the previous 
 nicht at Crummiehillocks. Saunders Branks re- 
 peatit the story o' his interview wi' the thimble- 
 rigger at Paldy Fair, Andra Swingletree gi'ed us 
 the wofu' ballad o' " Janet Jamieson," Peter 
 Hoggie rehearsed "The Ploughman's Courtship," 
 while I contributit my mite to the fun, by singin' 
 " The tailor fell through the bed, thimbles an' a' " ; 
 only for " bed " I substitutit the word " ice." 
 
 Mr. Swingletree had been sittin' in a fidgetty
 
 268 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 frame o' mind for some time, evidently mcditatin' 
 on what he cud do i' the wey o' distinguishin' 
 himsel'. A' at aince he bangs up till's feet, gies 
 twa or three tremendous thumps wi' his horny 
 knuckles on the table by wey o' commandin' 
 silence, an' aff he set wi' the followin' sang which 
 he had made up for the occasion ; for Andra was 
 baith a poet an' a musician in his ain humble wey. 
 Deed, at versifeein' he was maist as gleg as my 
 auld East Neuk freen', John M'Briar. o' Puddin- 
 mire. 
 
 THE SOCIAL BOARD. 
 AIR. Guid nicht an' joy be wf ye a'. 
 
 This nicht aroond the social board, 
 
 Richt blithe am I to see ye set ; 
 Guid-wife gae fill the bottle fu', 
 
 An' haud the kettle reekin' het. 
 The winds without may rair an' rout, 
 
 We sanna mind the winds a flee ; 
 Wi' hearts combined, the cog we'll synd, 
 
 An' push aboot the barley-bree. 
 
 There Bodkin sits, for logic bright 
 
 There's nane can cope wi' Teelyour Tarn 
 When next he ventures on the ice, 
 
 He'll mind his douk in Puddlie's dam. 
 Here's Tibbie, too, as cosh an' clean, 
 
 An' blithe and an' braw as ony bride, 
 An' if a faut she has, I ween, 
 
 It's ane that leans to virtue's side. 
 
 Here's Crummie, too, the wale o' cock's 
 May health and wealth aye be his lot ; 
 
 An' Pirrie wi' his frosty beard, 
 A sterlin' judge o' stirk an' stot.
 
 AMONG THE "MEN <7 THE MEARNS" 269 
 
 There's Yettlin', skilled in pleughs an' graith, 
 
 An' deep in metaphysic lore ; 
 An' Rouster, vvha in poopit yet 
 
 Will wag his pow an' stamp an' roar. 
 
 There's Heatherie frae the norlan' hills, 
 
 As vvicht a lad as ere was seen ; 
 An' wives an' lasses, roon' my board, 
 
 I'm blithe to see yer sparklin' een. 
 Then fill yer glasses, ane an' a', 
 
 Till ower ilk brim the nectar swells ; 
 An' let us drink hip hip hurrah 
 
 A bumper to oor noble sel's ! 
 
 Puddlie's sang was hailed wi' thunders o' applause, 
 an', at the urgent soleecitation o' divers persons i' 
 the company, he was obleeged to respond till an 
 encore. 
 
 By-an'-by the swats began to ream sae divinely 
 in the noddle o' Mr. William Rouster, that in 
 presence o' the haill company, he actually imprintit 
 twa or three smacks on the blushin' lips o' Miss 
 Branks. Mrs. Branks wad hae lodged her protest 
 against sic liberties bein' ta'en wi' her dochter, had 
 the fire-edge o' her wraith no been bluntit by Andra 
 observin' that Mr. William an' his inamorata, bein' 
 o' a devout frame o' speerit, were juist actin' up to 
 the Scriptural injunction that bids fouk salute ane 
 anither wi' a kiss. Kissin' bein' infectious, Mr. 
 Hoggie played the same trick to Miss Swingletree ; 
 an' as Andra had pleadit justification in the case 
 o' Miss Branks, he cudna for shame's cause say a 
 thrawn word in regaird to the kissin' o' his ain 
 dochter .
 
 270 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 Amid siclike ploys the nicht flew awa. The 
 oor havin' at length arrived for oor depairtur', I 
 re-arrayed mysel in my ain duds, which had mean- 
 while bein' birslin' at the kitchen fire, an' tane the 
 road to Crummiehillocks. A fearfu' nicht it was. 
 The win' was ragin' an' roarin' through the glens 
 wi' fearfu' soughs. The howlets were greetin' like 
 the Babes i' the Wud, an' aye there cam' the 
 ither hurricane o' snaw an' hailstanes. It was as 
 dismal a nicht " to tak' the road in as e'er puir 
 sinner was abroad in." Tibbie clung close to me, 
 while I pressed her tremblin' airm to my heart, in 
 token that, whatever dangers micht arise, she cud 
 aya coont on my coorage an' devotion to shield 
 her frae a' harm. 
 
 After surmountin' a warl' o' dangers an' diffee- 
 culties ower num'rous to enumerate, we reached 
 Crummiehillocks safe an' soon'. Neist mornin' we 
 bade farweel to Jeames an' Mrs. Witherspoon, an' 
 set oot hamewards.
 
 CHAPTER XXVI 
 
 A DENTAL OPERATION 
 
 THAT memorable veesitation to the Howe o' 
 the Mearns i' the dead o' winter, gi'ed Tibbie 
 a dose o' the teethache. She had had sundry pain- 
 fu' attacks o't afore, but wad never hear o' puttin' 
 hersel' into the haun's o' the dentist. Doctors an' 
 dentists she had little faith in. There was a cousin 
 o' hers a shoemaker in Edinbro' wha in standin' 
 thereoot to see Burke hangit, in the February o' 
 auchteen twenty-nine, got a sair dose o' the teeth- 
 ache. He wad hae the tooth drawn, but the doctor's 
 nippers happenin' to slip, the puir fallow got's jaw- 
 blade broken. He suffered a warl' o' agony for the 
 space o' four months. Never was he able to whustle 
 the " Flooers o' the Forest " ahent it, although 
 afore that mischanter he had been considered a 
 perfect prodigy o' a whustler. Tibbie had never 
 forgotten that melancholy catastrophe, an' frae 
 that time furth she resolved, be the consequences 
 what they micht, never to alloo a doctor or dentist 
 to put's nippers inside her mou' on ony pretence 
 whatever. 
 
 We hadna been lang hame frae Crummiehil- 
 271
 
 272 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 locks whan I noticed that something was far wrang 
 wi' 'er. Her chowks had begun to swall, an' I 
 concludit that she was in for what Burns ca's " the 
 hell o' a' diseases." Ae mornin' aboot four o'clock 
 I waukened oot o' a soon' sleep, an' faun' her 
 sittin' up i' the bed in an awfu' pickle. Her head 
 was rowed up in a flannel petticoat. Doon her 
 cheeks cam' hap-happin' the saut burnin' tears, an' 
 frae the benmost recesses o' her heart cam' mony 
 a lang an' bitter sigh. I canna tell hoo muckle con- 
 cerned I was to see her in sic a purgatory o' pain. 
 
 " Tibbie, my dawtie," said I, "tell me what's the 
 maitter wi' ye, an' I'm sure I'se pour the balm o' 
 Gilead intil yer troubled soul gin ye really think 
 I can do onything for yer easement." 
 
 " Oh, Tammas ! Tammas," said she, " I wish I 
 were dead, for I canna thole that teethache ony 
 langer. My very head's like to rive. I've tane 
 twa patfu's o' salts an' senna, for-bye a half-gill o' 
 the best double-strong rum, an' I doot the balm o' 
 Gilead wad do me nae guid, although ye had a haill 
 bottlefu' o't. Oh dear, what'll I do ? what'll I do- 
 o-o-, Tammas ? " 
 
 A fresh ootburst o' tears deprived her o' utterance, 
 an' she duntit her head against the bedpost in the 
 paroxysim o' her exceedin' great agony. 
 
 " Weel, weel, Tibbie, my 'oman," said I, puttin' 
 ane o' my airms roon' her neck, an' clappin' her 
 on the shoother wi' the ither han', " gin the balm 
 o' Gilead winna do, what think ye o' the warm 
 guse ? " 
 
 Ay, ay, Tammas, it likes the heat, an' I wad try
 
 A DENTAL OPERATION 273 
 
 ony ony thing ye like to name, for a maument's 
 leechinse frae this dreadfu' tortur' ; for oh, it's 
 stoondin' sair, an' sair, sair to bide ! " 
 
 Sae up I gat, lichtit the fire, an' toastit the guse, 
 until she was juist within an ace o' bein' red-het. 
 Then I rowed her up i' the dishclout, for fear she 
 micht set fire to the bed-claes, an' syne laid her 
 doon on the pillow ; an' wi' my ain hands placed 
 Tibbie's cheek in close proxeemity till 'er. For 
 twenty minutes or sae, the heat had a soothin' 
 effeck, an' Tibbie was beginnin' to craw a wee 
 thochtie croose again. But, wow, alas, the agony 
 returned wi' tenfauld veegour, an' hurried her back 
 to despair. 
 
 What was to be dune ? Gang for the doctor an' 
 get the tooth drawn ? Na, na ; Tibbie was sworn 
 against that. She wad raither bear the ills she 
 had, than flee to ithers that micht be waur, gin 
 vvaur cud be. 
 
 By the exerceese o' a little persuasion on my 
 pairt she consentit to lat me see the sair tooth. 
 It turned oot to be ane o' her e'e teeth. It was 
 quite slack i' the gum. There bein' a hole i' the 
 braid side^o't, I proposed to stuff up the cavity wi' 
 a bit pottie. To this she consentit, because, as 
 she was convinced that the teethache proceedit 
 frae the gnawin' o' a sma' worm i' the nerve o' the 
 tooth, she imagined that if the hole could be 
 hermetically sealed up, the worm wad dee for want 
 o' breath. It was my private opeenion, hooever, 
 that the tooth cud be easily pu'd oot by means o' 
 a rosety string kinched roon' the root o't, although, 
 
 IS
 
 274 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 of coorse, I keepit Tibbie i' the dark on that 
 point. Whan makin' ready the pottie, therefore, I 
 at the same time prepared a string, composed o' 
 sax plies o' the very best corduroy threed, which I 
 anointit wi' roset. I cuist a kinch on the end o't, 
 an' had a'thing ready for ony opportunity that 
 micht present itsel'. 
 
 "Noo, Tibbie," said I, "gape vveel till I get in 
 the stuffin'." 
 
 Sae she opened her jaws as wide as their swollen 
 condition wad permit, an' in the twinklin' o' an' e'e 
 I had the rosety string firmly secured roon' the 
 rotten stump. Noo, thinks I, for the grand pu', 
 but I hadna the pooer to budge. I shook a' ower 
 frae tap to tae, for what wad Tibbie say to the 
 business? To draw her tooth wad be a michty 
 offence ; but to practeese a deception on her at the 
 same time wad be in her een an oonpardonable 
 transgression. Frae this state o' perplexity, 
 hooever, I was relieved by a happy idea that cam' 
 intil my head like an inspiration. 
 
 I've already observed that I had ae end o' the 
 string roon' the tooth. I noo secured the ither 
 end o't to the guse, an' I says till 'er " Tibbie, that 
 guse is spoilin' the blankets. I feel a strong smell 
 o' oo'en clouts burnin'. Ye're nearer her than I 
 am, fling her oot ower to the floor-head." 
 
 Nae suner said than dune ; but gin ye had only 
 heard the unearthly squeel that Tibbie uttered 
 whan her tooth followed the guse ! 
 
 " Oh, Tammas ! Tammas ! " she cried, " my 
 head's awa', an' I'm as dead's a door nail." Her
 
 A DENTAL OPERATION 275 
 
 heart actually gaed awa' for a few seconds ; though, 
 by gude luck, her head was aye to the fore. 
 
 I was michty fleyed at my ain handiwark. 
 Luckily I had the presence o' mind to dash a 
 tea-cupfu' o' cauld water ower her temples. Wi' a 
 deep sigh, she cam' till hersel' again, an' glowerin' 
 roon' her, wi' a wild expression on her coontenance, 
 rendered a' the wilder like by the blude that was 
 oozin' oot frae the wicks o' her mou', she ex- 
 claimed, " Tammas, whether am I in this warT, or 
 the ither warl', or whaur am I ? " 
 
 I clappit her on the shoother, an' soothed her as 
 best I cud, assurin' her that she was in her ain 
 hoose at hame, an' had juist wi' her ain richt hand 
 acheeved a great victory ower a very troublesome 
 enemy. 
 
 Bein' convinced that she was still a leevin' mortal, 
 she brichtened up belyve an' put her airms roon' 
 my neck. I put my airms roon' hers, an' wad hae 
 kissed her too, had it no been for the blude whaur- 
 with her lips were a' besmeared. As it was, 
 hooever, I contentit mysel' wi' simply layin' my 
 cheek on hers, and gi'en' her a promisc'us hug. 
 
 " Oh, Tammas," she said, " that pottie maun 
 surely be a pooerfu' thing, for I verily thocht my 
 head was aff wi't. But, it has made an effectual 
 cure o' me, for the pain's clean awa'. But, bless 
 me, whaur awa is my stump o' a tooth ? " 
 
 " Have a care o's a', Tibbie, hae ye tint yer 
 tooth ? Are ye sure ye haena swallow't it ? The 
 like has happened afore noo." 
 
 " Feint a swallow did I swallow it, Tammas ;
 
 276 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 but there's nae tooth here, onyhoo," she observed, 
 as she stuck her finger i' the hole. 
 
 " That maun be something very mervellous 
 indeed, Tibbie. But bide a wee 'oman ; are ye sure 
 ye didna fling it ootower the bed vvi' the guse? 
 Losh an' ye've just dune that, Tibbie ! Heard ye 
 ever the like o' that? Ye see, I was under the 
 needcessity o' havin' the string fastened roon' it, 
 sae as to get the pottie properly fastened, an* 
 the ither end had somehoo or ither got entangled 
 wi' the guse, an' that's hoo it happened, Tibbie. 
 Gin ye're no pleased at the loss o' yer tooth, ye've 
 yersel' to blame for't, for it was you that flang the 
 guse ootower the bed." 
 
 " It maitters na wha did it, Tammas, sin' it's 
 dune," said Tibbie, smackin' her lips ; " an' fegs, it's 
 weel awa' frae me, for I'm sure I've never blindit 
 nicht nor day for twa or three weeks wi't." 
 
 I wad hae been mair than mortal had I no been 
 mair than weel pleased wi' the success o' my ex- 
 periment. I' the coorse o' half-an-oor Tibbie fell 
 asleep, an' as it was the first time she had closed 
 an e'e for three nichts rinnin', I let her sleep on 
 undisturbed till the back o' denner time. 
 
 To this day yet Tibbie ascribes the extraction o' 
 her tooth to a happy accident, raither than to the 
 dexterous management an' sagacity o' her beloved 
 husband. It wad be a sin to mak' her ony wiser 
 on the subjeck ; for as the poet saith, " Where 
 ignorance is bliss 'tis folly to be wise."
 
 CHAPTER XXVII 
 
 BODKIN, CLIPPINS & CO. (LEEMITIT) 
 
 AMANG the mony apprentice loons I've had 
 through haun's frae first to last, nane o' them 
 a' cam' up to Willie Clippins. As a laddie, he was 
 honest, eydent, truthfu', an' giftit wi' by-ordinar' 
 smeddum. Afore he was weel oot o' 's time, he 
 was juist aboot as gleg at a' the kittle points o' the 
 tailerin' business as I was myseF ; an' that's sayin 
 nae that little. By-an'-by, I felt that I cud gang 
 frae hame, or tak' a day or twa i' my bed, onytime 
 I likit, wi' a perfectly easy mind, seein' I cud trust 
 to him to keep a' the macheenery rinnin' smoothly 
 in my absence. 
 
 Willie had been three or four years workin' wi' 
 me as a journeyman, whan ae day he tane occasion 
 to hint to me that he had thocht o' takin' till 
 himsel' a wife, in the person o' Miss Mary Ann 
 Wagstaff, a lassie he had been acquaunt wi' for 
 some little time. I had been expeckin' some sic 
 revelation afore lang, for I had been noticin' frae 
 sundry signs that the coortship atween them twa 
 was rapidly aproachin' a crisis. 
 
 A pair o' braw embroider't slippers had made 
 their appearance in Willie's bedroom. Questioned 
 277
 
 278 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 by Tibbie whaur he got them, an' hoo muckle they 
 cost, he either cudna or wadna enter into ony 
 explanations on the subjeck. He got them in a 
 present, he said, but wha frae he wadna tell. 
 Tibbie had gotten a glisk o' a gowd ring in a 
 leather case standin' on the mantelpiece. It was 
 an " engagement ring." It didna surprise me, 
 therefore, to hear that Willie was meditatin' gettin' 
 marriet, an' settlin' doon into the quietude o* 
 domestic life. 
 
 It had lang been my intention to tak' the young 
 man into pairtnership wi' me, as sune as he was o* 
 legal age an' able to pick his lane. I was noo 
 firmly resolved to carry oot this intention withoot 
 a maument's further delay. 
 
 On my makin' mention o' the co-pairtnery 
 business till 'im, William, yc may be very sure, was 
 juist as heigh as the hills. 
 
 Thankin' me in the maist gushin' terms he cud 
 gether frae the wreatin's o' his favourite poet, 
 Byron, he closed instantauneously wi' my offer o' a 
 business pairtnership ; an' sae windy was he at this 
 oonexpeckit stroke o' guid fortun', that he cudna 
 settle at's wark until he had run aff at the gallop 
 an' tauld Maiy Ann the haill story. 
 
 I wad be sayin' what's no true, gin I uttered a 
 single syllable calculatit to convey the remotest 
 idea to the mind o' the reader that the senior 
 pairtner was ae whit less pleased wi' the new 
 arrangement than was his junior associate, albeit 
 their satisfaction sprang frae different soorces. 
 I'm no ashamed to own that self-interest had
 
 BODKIN, CLIPPINS & CO. 279 
 
 something to do wi't on my side, as weel as on 
 his. 
 
 Everybody kens that tailerin' is no like some 
 trades, sic as weavin', brakin' stanes, howkin' 
 drains, an' preachin', that are aye the auld thing 
 ower again. Tailerin' is a scienteefic business. 
 Nae man is cut oot for't oonless he has within his 
 harran-pan the stuff philosophers are made o'. 
 Onybody can be a shoemaker ; for gin ye stick to 
 yer last ye can never gang far wrang. But it's a 
 different thing bein' a tailor ; whan folk wear up 
 into years, as was the case wi' me at the time I 
 speak o', they are bound to fa' ahent in some 
 things. Therefore, frae that day furth, I laid on 
 my junior pairtner the onerous duty o' fallowin' 
 oot the wheemsicalties o' the fashions. Wi' him 
 measurin' an' shapin', an' me haudin' the needle 
 an' the guse reekin', we managed, atween the twa 
 o's, to maintain the reputation o' the establishment 
 in a' its pristeene glory. 
 
 Havin' settled wi' Willie aboot the pairtnership, 
 he produced frae the ooter pooch o' his overcoat, 
 a braw beuk, bun' in morocco leather, an' gowd- 
 letter'd. This he slippit doon afore me, timidly 
 remarkin' that it was an album he had gotten frae 
 a young leddy, wha wad be greatly delightit gin I 
 wad wreat a bittie o' poetry in't, an' pit my name 
 at the bottom o't. 
 
 I saw frae the inscription on the fly-leaf wha it 
 belanged till Mary Ann, of course. I likewise 
 noticed that it had been presentit by " a very par- 
 teek'lar freen' " William, of coorse. Bein' willin*
 
 280 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 to do the young leddy a favour, I sat doon an 
 wrote as follows : 
 
 IN A LEDDY'S ALBUM. 
 
 A leddy's album ? Bide awee 
 
 My ban' o' wreat she'd like to see ? 
 
 I'd been mair vogie, truth to tell, 
 
 Gin she had " axed " to see mysel'. 
 
 She asks but little, vveel-a-wat. 
 
 My autograph ? She's no want that ! 
 
 I'm juist as vexed as vexed can be 
 
 That mair than wreat I canna gie, 
 
 For had I lived in single state 
 
 She'd got my hand as weel's my wreat. 
 
 But Tibbie's to the fore, an' so 
 
 I daurna coort anither jo ; 
 
 An' were she i' the mools, I'd swither 
 
 Awhile ere bucklin' till anither. 
 
 Besides, a kirnmer young an' spruce 
 
 Micht scorn a carle that's auld an' douce, 
 
 An' michtna care to wair her han' 
 
 Upon a feckless weedow-man. 
 
 As for my autograph, I dreed it 
 
 She'll hae eneugh ado to read it ; 
 
 For, wow, my wreat is far frae braw 
 
 'Deed scarcely legible ava ; 
 
 But since she's greinin' for't, the jillet, 
 
 Sic like's it is, she's welcome till it. 
 
 TAMMAS BODKIN.
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII 
 
 CLIP PINS, WAGSTAFF & CO. (UNLEEMITIT) 
 
 TIBBIE bein' oot ae day for some bits o' 
 errands, an' the hoose bein' quiet, I fell into 
 a twa-handit crack wi' Willie aboot ae thing an' 
 anither, an' at last I broached the subjeck o' matri- 
 mony. 
 
 "Noo, Willie," said I, " I maun hae a word or 
 twa wi' ye aboot that sweetheart o' yours, an' hoo 
 ye maun behave yersel' after ye mak' her yer 
 wife. I think very muckle o' yer choice, Willie. 
 Mary Ann Wagstaff is juist yer very marrow, sae 
 far as I can judge frae the ootside o' her, an I 
 houp for your sake as weel as her ain that her 
 moral qualities are but a faithfu' reflex o' her 
 bonnie, bloomin', lauchin' coontenance, that mak's 
 her presence a perpetual sunsheene." 
 
 I cud see that Willie was in an unco steerifyke 
 whan I touched on this delicate subjeck. His face 
 grew as red as the fire, he bit his lip, he tried sair 
 to clear his throat o' something that refused to 
 yield to hoastin' an' haughin'. He held the needle 
 fleein' wi' a veegour an' a velocity nae ordinar', an" 
 hung doon's head like a bulrush. 
 
 " Ye are but a young man yet," said I, " an' canna 
 281
 
 282 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 be expeckit to hae a' the wut i' the war!" ; therefore 
 I houp ye'll pey due attention to what I'm aboot 
 to say to ye. Ye maun bear in min' that marriage 
 is a very solemn undertakin'. After ye get a wife 
 ye'll be nae langer yer ain maister. Ye'll be to a 
 certain extent under petticoat government. I am, 
 Willie every marriet man is an' it wad be need- 
 less to deny it. Noo, ye'll need to mak' up yer 
 min' aforehan' whether ye wad be willin' to lat 
 Mary Ann wear the breeks. It wad be ower late 
 to consider that important maitter after the marriage 
 knot has been tied. Ye maun bear in mind that 
 there's nae gettin' oot o' that scrape aince ye're 
 fairly intil't. Sae ye wad better look afore ye loup." 
 
 Here the young man begoud to claw hk head 
 violently, but still he said naething. 
 
 Resumin' the thread o 1 my discoorse, I said : 
 " A young man wad be a' the better o' ha'ein' a 
 puckle siller in's pouch afore undertakin' the cares, 
 responsibeelities, an" expenses o' a wife. I've aften 
 had occasion to notice that ower mony o' oor 
 profession think themsel's perfectly able to set up 
 hooses o' their ain as sune as they hae saved as 
 muckle as '11 buy them a guse, lawbrod, sheers, 
 thimble, tape measure, an' a bawbee's worth o' 
 needles. Noo, the maitter o' auchty or a hunder 
 pounds i' the kist-neuk to set up hoose wi' wadna 
 be a castawa'. A' that cudna be accomplished in 
 ae year or twa, an' gin ye wad tak' my advice ye 
 wadna think o' rinnin' yer head intil the hymeneal 
 branks, afore ye are sax-an'-twunty at least. It's 
 very dootfu', though, whether Mary Ann wad be
 
 CLIP PINS, WAG STAFF & CO. 283 
 
 Avillin' to wait for ye a' that length o' time. Judgin' 
 frae human natur', an' especially frae woman- 
 natur', I dinna think she wad ; an', to tell the 
 truth, gin she got anither offer she cudna be 
 expeckit to wait, for in a few years' time she winna 
 be the fascinatin' fairy that she is enoo. Na, na, 
 afore anither twal-month is ower her head she'll 
 be sighin' till hersel' an' sayin' in the words o' the 
 auld sang 
 
 " Oh, gin I could get but a husband, 
 
 E'en though he were never sae sma' ; 
 Juist gie me a husband, I'll tak' him, 
 Though scarce like a mannie ava. 
 
 " Come young, or come auld, or come doited 
 
 Oh, come an' juist tak' me awa', 
 Far better be married to something 
 Than no to be married ava." 
 
 " Noo, dinna suppose that I wad hae ye gaun 
 back \vi' yer word to Mary Ann, gin sae be ye've 
 made a clair promise to her, for that wad be a 
 blackgaird trick. I'm sure ye wad never prove 
 yersel' a rogue either to man or woman. The 
 wretch wha pledges his heart an' han' to a young 
 kimmer, an' syne forleits her, maybe to dree the 
 warl's shame an' scorn, an' at ony rate to sab awa' 
 her very soul in secret sorrow, is as fause as 
 Waghorn, wha, we are tauld, was nineteen times 
 fauser than the de'il. Na, Willie, my man, there 
 maun be nae drawin' back. Gin ye've pledged 
 yer troth to ane anither, ye maun juist abide by 
 the consequences. Dinna ye be the first to gang 
 back wi' yer word, at ony rate. For my pairt, I
 
 284 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 never kent what it was to get the lichtlie mysel'. 
 But I can easily imagine that while ' slichtit love 
 is sair to bide', the stangs o' a guilty conscience 
 maun be ten times waur to thole. Keep aye a 
 clear conscience, Willie, lad, an' ye'll aye sleep 
 soon'ly ; oonless ye hae the toothache, or put yer 
 stammack oot o' order by eatin' cheese to yer 
 supper, or swallowin' a dose o' Colocynth's pills. 
 Are ye hearin' what I'm say in' ? " 
 
 " Imphm," was Willie's answer. 
 
 " That's richt, lad ! An' noo I wad gie ye a word 
 or twa o' advice that may be usefu' to ye whan 
 ye become a husband. Ye see, thae women-fouk 
 dinna like to be gainsaid wi' regaird to onything 
 they set their hearts upon. Gin Mary Ann ever 
 signifee that she's in want o' a new goon, ye mauna 
 mak' ony mou's aboot it, but juist fork oot. Ye 
 may hae yer ain thochts aboot it for a' that : but 
 for the very life o' ye, say naething. It's juist ane 
 o 1 the frail pairts o' the weaker vessels that they 
 maun aye be upsides wi', an', if possible, ahead o' 
 their neebors in grandeur. Noo, seein' that it 
 wad be useless to fecht against what is born i' the 
 flesh, my advice to you is, for the comfort o' baith 
 pairties, to mak 1 a virtue o' needcessity by lattin' 
 Mary Ann busk hersel', an' daiker oot her house, 
 in accordance wi' her ain pecooliar notions. I 
 speak frae experience ; for never yet did I set my 
 face against onything that yer mistress proposed 
 i' the millinery or upholstery line o' business, 
 withoot comin' aff by loss in the lang run, an' wi' 
 my dignity, of coorse, greatly disfeegur'd i' the
 
 CLIP PINS, WAGSTAFF & CO. 285 
 
 conflict. In choosin' a wife, the main thing is to 
 look for a guid, discreet, sensible, thrifty, clever, 
 cleanly, painstakin', diligent, mitherly, kind-heartit, 
 guid-natur'd, cheerfu', sonsy, weel-faured, strappin' 
 quean. Gin she possess a' thae qualities, she winna 
 gang far gleyed, though she get ever sae lang a 
 tether. But gin a puir man happen to tie himsel' till 
 a dame wi' naething but guid looks to recommend 
 her, he'll rue his bargain afore the close o' the 
 hinnymune, an' that's juist as sure as he's a leevin' 
 mortal. A guid wife disna need controllin', Willie, 
 an' an ill ane winna be controlled. In short, ye 
 maun juist mak' up yer mind to lat her hae her 
 ain wey, whether richt or wrang. I houp ye are 
 lendin' a lug to a 1 this, na ? " 
 
 " Imphm," said Willie, an' he garred the needle 
 flee wi' extra veegour. 
 
 " Very weel, Willie my man, there's anither thing 
 I maun warn ye against. Ye mauna tak' it upon 
 ye to poke up the fire withoot her leave, first 
 socht an' obtained. I've lived mony years wi' yer 
 mistress noo, an 1 a' that time I've been diligently 
 studyin' her method o' steerin' up the fire ; but 
 albeit an apprenticeship o' five years made me 
 perfect in my ain profession, I've never to this day 
 yet learned to redd the ribs to her entire satisfaction. 
 Whan I presume to lift a poker to the fire i' the 
 mornin' it never burns richt, somehoo, the haill day 
 thereafter. An' as for spittin' on the grate, Willie, 
 that's ane o' the seven deadly sins very hard to 
 be forgi'en. Whan ye've been oot amang the 
 gutters, dinna neglect to dicht yer feet on the mat
 
 286 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 as ye come in again. See that they get the 
 reegulation number o' rubs, too, for gin ye dinna 
 gang through a' the ceremony made an' providit, 
 ye may juist as vveel lat it alane a'thegither. It 
 maitters na a flee although yer feet be cleaner than 
 the thing ye're dichtin' them on. They maun, a' 
 the same, gang through the process o' purifeecation 
 vvithoot a glumsh, itherwise ye may look oot for 
 stormy weather. Are ye hearin' what I'm sayin', 
 na?" 
 
 " Imphm," said Willie, throwin' additional 
 veegour intil's wark. 
 
 " VVeel, weel, see that ye mind it. Anent the 
 commissauriat, Willie, gin Mary Ann chance to lat 
 a pap o' soot fa' into the kail pat, as may happen 
 wi' the maist carefu' cook at times, ye mauna say 
 a thrawn word aboot the kail. They may be like 
 to choke ye, but ye maun sup them wi' a cheerfu' 
 coontenance an' a ferocious appetite, askin' nae 
 questions for conscience' sake. Better still, gin 
 ye roose them up to the skies as bein' the best kail 
 ye ever preed in a' yer life, that will please Mary 
 Ann as naething else will. As a general rule I 
 wad say, lat yer praise o' the cookery be in what's 
 ca'd inverse proportion to the quality o' the vittles. 
 An', Willie, pay parteek'lar attention to this whan 
 ye gang to the kitchen to heat the guse, dinna ye 
 be liftin' the pat-brod an' glowerin' into the pat 
 to spy oot ferlies. Gin ye do sae ye'll maybe get 
 a blenter i' the side o' the head wi' the theevil, whilk 
 wad be humblin', if not painfu'. Ye're no wearyin* 
 o' this Icctur' are ye ? "
 
 CLIP PINS, WAGSTAFF & CO. 287 
 
 " Imphm," quo' Willie ; " that is no, no, not in 
 the least" 
 
 " I'm near han' through wi' what I intendit to 
 say, lad. In the next place, gin ye catch Mary 
 Ann standin' afore the press wi' the lids closed on 
 her head an' shoothers, ye'll maybe conclude in 
 yer ain mind, an' no be very far gleyed either, that 
 she's treatin' hersel' till a cup o' tea on the sly, 
 atween han's as it were. Dinna ye lat yer een see't, 
 nor yer tongue speak aboot it, for it's nae tint what 
 a frien' gets. An' mind this Willie, ye mauna set 
 yersel' up as bein' qualifeed to tie yer neckerchief 
 as weel as, or better than, Mary Ann, for that wad 
 maybe gi'e great offence. Juist lat her undo your 
 knot an' tierit ower again as she sees meet, gin you 
 wuss to possess yer soul in peace. Then supposin' 
 that her sister, or her cousin, or her auntie, or ony 
 ither o' her male or female relations, sid come on 
 a freen'ly veesit o' a month or sax weeks, ye maun 
 be sure to abdicate the muckle chair in their favour. 
 Although the weather be cauld ye mauna refuse 
 to sleep on a shak-doon i' the garret, sae that 
 Mary Ann an' her sister may enjoy the luxury o' 
 sleepin' thegither. Gin Mary Ann tak' three or 
 four oors to gang an errand that micht easily be 
 dune in twenty minutes, ye may hae yer ain thochts 
 aboot it, but for guidness sake dinna think heigh 
 oot. D'ye hear ? " 
 
 " Imphm," said Willie ; an' he clawed his head, 
 an' lookit as gin he wished the lecture endit. 
 
 " I'm naur a close noo," said I ; " but pey strict 
 attention to this, Willie; gin Mary Ann be addickit
 
 288 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 to snorin' in her sleep ye mauna wauken her an' 
 complain in a crabbit-like tone that ye canna get 
 a wink o' rest by reason o' the unearthly noises 
 she's makin', but juist ye lie still an' listen till't, an' 
 think it the sweetest music ye ever heard. Weel 
 do I mind hoo deeply I offendit yer mistress on 
 a memorable occasion, by introducin' an Ameerican 
 invention, consistin' o' an indiarubber acoustic 
 tunnel to catch the diabolical soon's as they issued 
 frae her nose, and to convey them direck till her 
 ain lug. It was a self-actin' macheene, an' wauken't 
 her the instant she began trumpetin'. I tried the 
 experiment aince, an' it succeedit to admiration. 
 But it was attendit wi' results that warned me 
 against a repeteetion o't Noo, Willie, I see ye' re 
 wearyin' o' this lang discoorse o' mine, but it will 
 do ye guid, lad, gin ye lay't to heart. I've gi'en 
 ye some insicht into the science o' matrimonial 
 economy, an' gin ye dinna conduck yersel' prudently 
 as the husband o' Mary Ann Wagstaff, dinna lay 
 the wyte on my shoothers." 
 
 Willie uttered a deep sigh an' thankit me for the 
 mony valuable hints I had gi'en 'im, an' said he 
 wad do his very best to act up to them whan the 
 time cam'. 
 
 The news o' the furthcomin' purpose o' marriage 
 havin' been bruitit abroad, a report sune brak oot 
 i' the neiborhood that a certain designin' limmer 
 ca'd Jellycoe was threatenin' to forbid the banns. 
 Willie, it turned oot, had forgaithered wi' 'er aince 
 or twice at picnic pairties, an' had maybe oxtered 
 her aboot at times. Onywey, she tane it intil her
 
 CLIP PINS, WAGSTAFF 6> CO. 289 
 
 head that she had a better richt till 'im than Mary 
 Ann had. It was currently reportit that she had 
 instruckit Messrs. Pettie & Foggie, solicitors, to 
 wreat to him demandin' compensation to a ruinous 
 amount in the name o' damages for an alleged 
 breach o' promise. Through the instrumentality o' 
 a rival firm o' lawyers, hooever, Messrs. Peelreenge 
 & Skinflint, to wut, Willie managed to get aff 
 wi' fleein' colours, they havin' proved, as clear as 
 noonday, that the case frae beginnin' to end had 
 been gotten up solely wi' the view o' takin' a 
 wheen pounds oot o' the young man's pooch. 
 
 I wasna at the kirk on the proclamation day, but 
 Tibbie was ; an' she cam' hame wi' the interestin' 
 intelligence that Miss Jellycoe, wha was present in 
 a pew in front o' the letterin, tane a braw red face 
 till hersel' whan she heard William's purpose o' 
 marriage proclaimed ; but that she hadna daured 
 to utter a single syllable by wey o' protest against 
 the carryin' oot o' the said purpose. Everything, 
 in short, had passed aff in a mainner perfectly 
 satisfactory. 
 
 The week followin' the Adverteezer cam' oot wi' 
 the followin' announcement, 
 
 " Married, at Fiddler's Entry, Dundee, on the 
 8th inst, by the Rev. Andrew Wagstaff, A.M., 
 uncle of the bride, William Clippins, Esq., clothier, 
 Crinoline Crescent, to Mary Ann, youngest daughter 
 of James Wagstaff, Esq., Fiddler's Entry." 
 
 Tibbie an' me were at the waddin', of coorse, an' 
 bestowed oor benedictions on the happy couple. 
 Whan the bride cam' into the room, hingin' on her 
 
 19
 
 290 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 faither's airm, I noticed that she had been greetin', 
 though for what reason I cudna understan'. Thinks 
 I, my lass, gin Willie had drawn back, or gane aff 
 wi' Miss Jellycoe, yer tears wad hae sprung frae a 
 deeper soorce. But it wad seem to be fashionable 
 for brides to greet on occasions o' that kind. For 
 ae thing it gars them look tender, emotional, in- 
 terestin' in a certain sense ; an' Mary Ann was 
 resolved not to be ahent 'er neebors in this respeck. 
 Maybe her tears welled up frae the sweet fount o' 
 joy in her breist, instead o' frae the brackish pools 
 o' sorrow. The highest manifestation o' joy bears 
 a close simeelitude in some natur's to the ootflow 
 o' the direst grief in ithers. This proves the truth 
 o' the auld sayin' that there is but a single stap 
 atween the sublime an' the rideeklous. But frae 
 whatever cause, it was clear that Mary Ann had 
 been greetin'. Yet was she beautifu' exceedin'ly. 
 Yea, a' the mair charmin' was she for the warm 
 flush that emotion had imprintit on her " vermeil 
 cheek " ; an' whan she stood by Willie's side, an' 
 whan her lily han' was lockit in his, an' whan she 
 breathed the faint monosyllabic " yes " that pledged 
 her to be his faithfu' wife till death sid them pairt, I 
 thocht I had never seen a mair promisin' couple 
 set oot on the journey o' matrimonial life never, at 
 least, sin' Tibbie an' me had dune sae, mair than 
 twenty years previous. 
 
 The nuptial knot was speedily tied, an' then 
 ensued a roon' o' kissin' an' congratulation ; an' this 
 ordeal chased awa' the tears frae Mrs. Clippins' 
 cheeks, an' plantit smiles thereon.
 
 CLIPPINS, WAGSTAFF & CO. 291 
 
 The eatin' an' drinkin 1 pairt o' the ceremony 
 bein' ower, the company proceedit to Crinoline 
 Crescent in four cabs, the horses an' their drivers 
 bein' daikered oot wi' the reegulation profusion o' 
 flooe'rs an' waddin' favours. We drave aff amid a 
 shoo'er o' auld bauchels, an' a deafenin' roon' o' 
 hurrahs. On reachin' the Crescent, Tibbie, wha 
 had set aff aforehan', met the bride atween the 
 door cheeks, an' brak' aboon her head a cake o' 
 shortbread, as had been dune to her whan she was 
 a bride. The young couple had secured appairt- 
 ments i' the flat below us. 
 
 Hoo the remainder o' the e'enin' was spent, what 
 was said, what was dune, wha got the ring an' wha 
 the thimble whan the bride's cake was dividit, hoo 
 lang the dancin' was keepit up, whan the company 
 brak' up, wha was the fiddler, an' a' the rest o't, 
 wad be ower lang a story to tell. Suffice it to say 
 that the haill affair gaed aff wi' great glee ; an' 
 although the bride's brither, Tarn Wagstaff, tane 
 maybe a gless or twa mair than was guid for him, 
 an' had to be beddit upstairs in my best bedroom, 
 yet on the whole the festeevities passed ower wi' 
 a reasonable degree o' quietness an' decorum.
 
 CHAPTER XXIX 
 
 THE HARVEST HAME AT COCKMYLANE 
 
 MY auld-time pairtner i' the coortin' line o' 
 business, Andra Sooter, had been for a 
 guid wheen years marriet to Miss Peggy Paitrick. 
 They had settled doon upo' the farm o' Cockmy- 
 lane, a bit placie, lyin' mid-gaits atween Leuchars 
 an' Ferry-partan-Craig. Bein' near Dundee we 
 aften pey'd freen'ly veesits to ane anither. Tibbie 
 an' me were aye sure to be at Cockmylane, an' 
 Andra an' Peggy juist as sure to be in Dundee, 
 whanever ony ploys by-ordinar' were on fit in 
 either o' oor hooseholds. In the annual Maiden 
 ploys at Cockmylane, Tibbie an' me were aye 
 inveetit to bear a haun', an' muckle guid diversion 
 we've had at them, weel-a-wat. 
 
 At the end o' the hairst followin' oor pilgrimage 
 to Crummiehillooks, we were inveetit to Cockmy- 
 lane, to tak' pairt in the usual hairst festeevities. 
 
 At that period o' her life Tibbie cud never gang 
 half-a-mile frae hame withoot haein' a radicle 
 basket on her arm. What she aye got to carry 
 in't aften astonished me. On this occasion she 
 put intil't a braw net-mutch, rigged oot wi' red 
 ribbands an' gum-floo'ers. Amang oor fellow-pas- 
 
 292
 
 THE HARVEST HAME AT COCKMYLANE 293 
 
 sengers i' the ferry-boat to Newport there was 
 a drove o' camsteerie Heelan' stots, wi' horns as 
 lang as my ell-wand an' as sharp as my bodkin. 
 Whan Tibbie's attention was itherwise engaged, 
 forrit comes ane o' them, whups his horn through 
 the bow o' her basket, whisks it aff her airm 
 marches awa to leeward wi't, an' i' the twinklin' o' 
 an' e'e ower gaed the basket into the water ! For 
 an instant it bobbit back an' fore on the crest o' 
 a wave, an' then doon it sank into the yawnin' 
 flood never to rise again ! Tibbie was like to gang 
 by herseP at the tynin' o' her creel, an' wad hae 
 been owerbuird after 't gin I hadna grippit her by 
 the goon-tail an' held her back by main force. 
 But gin the Heelan' stot didna get's kail through 
 the reek he did naething. Kennin' nae dialect 
 but Gaelic, hooever, he juist chow'd his cud an 1 
 never let on. 
 
 Tibbie an' me havin' been taucht to han'le the 
 heuk in oor youth, we aye thocht it a gran' ploy 
 whan at Cockmylane i' the hairst time to get a 
 day's shearin', juist for the fun o' the thing, an' to 
 keep oor han's in use. Sae afore gaun to bed that 
 nicht I instruckit Andra to hae a' the necessary 
 gibbles ready for us by next mornin'. At an early 
 'oor he was up to spy out the state o' the weather, 
 an' the day bein' fine, he tane doon frae the 
 kitchen bauks his toutin' horn, gaed roon' to the 
 midden-head wi't, an' frae that vantage grun' blew 
 a blast that waukened the echoes o' the wuds an' 
 rocks for twa or three miles roon.' 
 
 The shearers sune begoud to mak' their appear-
 
 294 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 ance. The cottar-wives cam' creepin' slowly frae 
 their hooses, after lockin' their doors ahent them. 
 Some o' them had a string o' weans at their tails. 
 But the feck o' the shearers were fee'd han's frae 
 Dundee aboot twa dizzen o' them a' thegither, 
 wha sleepit on shak-doons i' the laft aboon the 
 horses. 
 
 There was a red-haired limmer frae Dundee, wha 
 spak', not only for hersel', but for anither half score 
 o' ordinary haverils. On oor wey to the field her 
 bletherin' tongue never lay aff Tibbie an' me a' 
 in an underhaun' wey of coorse, for she durstna 
 mak' a cheep whan Andra was within lug-shot. 
 She wondered what guid the like o' Tibbie an' 
 me cud do on a hairst rig. We were twa puir, 
 fizzenless, han'less lookin' craiters, wha seemed to 
 hae been brocht up on sowens an' soor-dook. But 
 she wad gie them a heat afore the end o' the day, 
 or her name wasna Phemie Fairntickle. A' this, 
 an* a hantle mair to the same effeck, I heard 
 
 "An' muckle thocht oor guidman to himsel', 
 But never a word he spak' O." 
 
 Very weel, to wark we gaed, an' in a jiffy Phemie, 
 wha happened to be in oor band-win, was ower the 
 end-rig, bruindin' an' bleezin' awa juist as gin 
 naething cud haud her again. Ilka neffow she 
 brocht oot-ower she cuist a deevilish glower athort 
 her left shoother, to see what progress Tibbie an' 
 me were makin'. Afore I got thoroughly het my 
 leddy had shot aboot sax ell ahead o' me, an' I 
 daursay she was thinkin' hersel' cock-sure o' an
 
 THE HARVEST HAME AT COCKMYLANE 295 
 
 easy victory ; but, aha ! there's aye twa at a bargain 
 makin'. 
 
 I cuist aff my waistcoat, flypit up my sark- 
 sleeves, whilk was like drawin' the swird an' 
 flingin' awa the scabbard, an' says I, " Noo Tibbie, 
 tak' care o' yer cuits, or I'll maybe ding the neb 
 o' my heuk into them. Juist mak' ye the raips 
 an' I'll fill them." Then began the tug o' war ! 
 Straucht across the rig frae fur to fur I walkit, 
 whankin' doon whatever opposed my progress 
 corn, thristles, carl-doddies, brume-cowes ; every 
 green herb, in short an'ilka time I cam' oot o' the 
 corn I brocht nae less than a sheaf in my oxter. 
 Tibbie had eneugh ado to hau'd me in raips, an' 
 as for the bandster, if Andra hadna gi'en him a 
 haun' noo an' than, we wad hae tint sicht o' 'm 
 afore we got half-gaits to the Ian' end. 
 
 By brakfast time I had shorn twa stooks for 
 Miss Fairntickle's ane greatly to her mortifeeca- 
 tion, as it wad seem ; for Andra tauld me afterwards 
 that she actually grat wi' spite an' vexation at 
 bein' beat. 'Od she was a speerity hizzie, though ; 
 for after fortifeein' hersel' inwardly wi' a haill 
 aitmeal scone, an' four tinnie-fu' o' yill at brakfast, 
 she wad try what cud be dune to regain her laurels. 
 But she micht juist as weel hae tried to reap the 
 whirlwin' as to think she wad get the better o' 
 me, for I to the kempin' again like mad, until the 
 sweat was workin' through the band o' my breeks. 
 Tibbie thocht it was a piece o' doonricht folly to 
 mak' a toil o' a pleasure. 
 
 " Tammas," said she, " gin I were you, I wad see
 
 296 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 them a' far eneugh afore I wad fornyauw mysel' at 
 that rate, to keep upsides wi' a wheen glaikit cutties 
 like them. 
 
 " Upsides ! " said I, " that wad be a sma' maitter. 
 I'se haud oot afore them, lass, ay, though they sid 
 loup oot o' their skins. 'Od I'se whauk their 
 wheerikins to them ! " 
 
 Durin' the dinner oor, whan we were a' sittin' 
 roon' a stock restin' oor hochs, some mendin' 
 their finger-steils, some pykin' oot thristles, some 
 sharpin' their heuks, an' we men-fouk blastin' awa 
 at oor cutties, a conspeeracy was got up amang the 
 young queans, whaurof Phemie Fairntickle was the 
 concocter, to the intent that Tibbie an' me sid be 
 put through the bagenin' ordeal furthwith. Sae 
 withoot a word o' warnin' they grippit me by the 
 legs an' shoothers, an' fell a-duntin' my body on a 
 stane wi' micht an' main ; an' an unco yellochin' 
 an' din they made aboot it. Phemie Fairntickle, of 
 coorse, was the ringleader at this business. Tibbie 
 seein' me i' the gled's han's, an' fearin' that Miss 
 Phemie micht mischieve me oot o' spite, bang'd up 
 an' flew to my rescue. Afore she had poo'er to 
 interpose wi' either tongue or han's, hooever, twa 
 a' the bandsters claught hands o' her, an' treatit 
 her to a second edeetion o' what I was gettin'. 
 Thereafter there was a general duntin' a' roon', 
 withoot respeck o' age, sex, or station, an' great 
 was the gilravage that gaed on for some minutes, 
 until Andra pu'd oot's watch, bang'd till's feet, an' 
 said, " Billie's, we maun till't again the oor's oot." 
 
 Twa oor's hard wark brocht us to the en' o' the
 
 THE HARVEST HAME AT COCKMYLANE 297 
 
 chapter. Miss Fairntickle focht sair to be " in at 
 the death," thinkin' to nip "the maiden" oot 
 amang my fingers. In this, hooever, she was 
 disappointit aince mair ; for I juist grippit her by 
 the shoothers, an' set her gently doon on a big 
 burry thristle, in the attitude o' a dog barkin' for a 
 piece. By the time she cud warsel up till 'er feet 
 again, my heuk had sneckit doon the hin'most 
 handfu' o' corn, which I waved roon' my head 
 amid the cheers o' the assembled shearers. 
 
 Hame we a' gaed to wash oor faces an' busk 
 oorsel's oot for the grand Maiden Ball in the e'enin'. 
 Tibbie's braw net mutch, specially rigged oot wi' 
 red ribbands for the occasion had gane doon the 
 Tay. But Mrs. Scoter had in her kist-neuk an orra 
 ane, that answered my guidwife till a shavin'. In 
 this mutch, therefore, she arrayed hersel' for the ball. 
 
 Great store o' commestables an' comdrinkables 
 had been laid in for the maiden feast pies, stuffed 
 chuckies, beef, ankers o' whisky, an' oceans o' sma' 
 yill. The neeborin' farmers an' their dependants 
 havin' been inveetit the assembly was mair nu- 
 merous than seleck. We, that were o' the better 
 sort, were enterteened i' the parlour. The Jocks 
 an' the Jennies enjoyed themsel's i' the kitchen an' 
 the barn-laft, the latter havin' been cleaned oot for 
 a ball-room, an' brilliantly illuminatit by twa dizzen 
 o' penny cawnels stuck into turnips, an' arranged 
 at wide intervals alang the crap-wa's. It reminded 
 me o' Mr. M'Kickie's " Temple o' Terpsichore." 
 
 On enterin' we faun' the floor in possession o' 
 a score or twa o' rural nymphs an' swains loupin'
 
 298 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 bawk-hcicht ; an' a fell noise they were makin'. 
 The plooman chiel's yokit a-stampin' on the dails 
 wi' their cuddy-heels, snappin' their hard horny 
 thooms, an' " hoochin' " an' whistlin' juist as gin 
 they had been red-wud. The floor was bendin' 
 an' groanin' under the wecht o' its livin' fraucht, 
 an' the stoor was fleein' aboot like drift. Ale was 
 circulatin' frae han" to han' in tankards, toddy in 
 tea-cups, an' oon cakes an' cheese in wechtfu's. 
 At the end o' the reel, ilka Jockey tane his Jenny 
 into his brawny airms, gi'ed her an' awfu' hug as 
 gin he had been gaun to burke her, an' awfu' 
 smoorich as gin he had been gaun to wirry her, an' 
 then flang himsel' doon on a furm beside her wi' 
 sic a fearfu' pergaddus, that naething but whunstane 
 an' yettlin' cud weel withstand it, insomuch that in 
 twa instances that cam' under my notice the furms 
 rent in twain, sendin' a' that sat on them intil the 
 floor-head, amid a rivin' o' rotten dails an' a skirlin" 
 o' lasses that garr'd the very roof an' rafters dirl. 
 
 Wi' the view o' gi'ein' the genteel portion o' the 
 company an' opportunity o' displayin' their salta- 
 tory attainments, Andra demanded the " Hay- 
 makers," an' tane up Tibbie for his pairtner, while 
 I had Mrs. Sooter for mine. The fiddler struck up 
 the requiseete tune, an' awa we gaed in gran' style, 
 flingin' oot oor legs in a' directions like the spaikes 
 o' a windmill. Everything gacd richt until we had 
 to join han's an' whirl roon' like teetottums. 
 Then it was that, through the combined agencies 
 o' my tae an' the tail o' Mrs. Scoter's goon, oor 
 haymakiri enterprise was brocht to an untimely
 
 THE HARVEST HAME AT COCKMYLANE 299 
 
 end. Whether it was my tae or Mrs. Scoter's 
 skirt that was blameworthy I sanna say, but the 
 upshot was that baith o' 's were laid prostrate i' 
 the floor-head. Tibbie an' Andra, bein' at that 
 moment in the ack o' whirlin' roon' us, were sookit 
 into the vortex an' upset likewise, sae that here 
 were haill four o's sprawlin' i" the floor at aince. 
 On regainin' oor fittin' it was fund that Tibbie an' 
 Mrs. Sooter had gotten a' their duds camshachled, 
 which put dancin' oot o' their heads for the time 
 bein'. As for me, I had sae nearly gotten my 
 win' dung oot wi' my doon-come, that I had need 
 o' a snifter o' caller air to mak' me feel comfortable. 
 Sae whan Andra was gaun roon' the barn snufrm' 
 the cawnels wi' his fingers, I slippit doon the trap 
 an' held awa to the corn-yaird. The nicht was 
 pick mirk " no a star in a' the cairy." Leanin' 
 mysel' up against a stack, an' croonin' ower a verse 
 o' a sang laigh in to keep up my speerits, I 
 suddenly discovered the airms o' a winsome young 
 damsel roon' my neck, an' faun' her warm rosy 
 lips in contact wi' mine ! I saw of coorse, that it 
 was a mistak' on her pairt, but I hadna the heart 
 to dispel her enchantment. 
 
 " Eh Jamie," she whispered intil my lug, " I was 
 fear'd ye wadna keep yer tryst, for, d'ye ken, I 
 thocht Meg Morrison had ye twined roon' her 
 finger wi' her braw red ribbands an' a' her orders, 
 an' I'm sure, Jamie, ye've danced far aftner wi' her 
 the nicht than wi' me, but it disna maitter ye'll 
 never thrive gin ye dinna keep yer promise to me. 
 An' that Meg Morrison tae I'm sure I dinna ken
 
 300 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 what a' body sees in her a black, ugly-look'n' 
 scunner ! " an' sae on she gaed wi' great glibness, 
 sometimes flytin', sometimes greetin', an' sometimes 
 imprintin' a series o' kisses on the frontispiece o' 
 the personage she tane for her beloved Jamie. I 
 said but little, an' that little below my breath ; for, 
 as I tauld her, my word micht be heard by some 
 listener gin I spak' looder. Gin I had spoken in 
 my nat'ral key, of coorse, she wad at aince hae 
 kent my voice to be the voice o' Esau, an' that 
 wad hae spoilt the sport The short an' the lang 
 o't was that Phemie for it was nane ither than 
 Miss Phemie Fairntickle put me up to a thing or 
 twa touchin' her coortship wi' Jamie Johnstone, 
 wha drave the second pair at Cockmylane, an" was 
 a geyan ramblin' sort o' billie amang the lasses, 
 as Andra tauld me afterwards. 
 
 Havin' carried on the joke wi' Phemie as far as 
 was consistent wi' decorum I bein' a married 
 man, ye'll observe an' fearin' likewise that Jamie 
 micht at ony moment put in appearance, I tauld 
 her to rin up to the laft for my bannet an' that she 
 wad fin' it lyin" in a parteek'lar corner o' the 
 crap-wa'. I promised no to budge oot o' the bit 
 till she cam' back, but nae suner was she up the 
 trap than I was at her heels. Slippin' me doon on 
 a furm close by the door, I sat watchin' her leddy- 
 ship's movements. The first sicht that met her 
 een was Jamie Johnstone dancin', wi' Meg Morrison 
 for his pairtner ! Hoo she glowered roon' her in 
 a state o' bewilderment, an' hoo red grew her face 
 whan she at last realised that a' her sighs, an' vows,
 
 THE HARVEST HAME AT COCKMYLANE 301 
 
 an' kissin', an' embracin', had been waired on the 
 wrang man ! An' what man ? Me she had nae 
 suspeecions o', as there was I sittin' i' the laft as 
 sober's a judge. But whan the neist man cam' up 
 the trap, hoo she did hing her head ! Ay, he 
 micht hae been the very rogue wha had played her 
 the begunk, an' therefore was she ashamed to 
 glower him i' the face. She graipit i' the crap-wa' 
 for the bannet I had sent her for, but, alas, nae 
 bannet was to be fund ! The case was transparent. 
 She had " waukened the wrang man/ while Meg 
 Morrison had gotten a grip o' the richt ane. This 
 was a twafauld mortifeecation that Phemie cudna 
 thole. She embraced the earliest opportunity o' 
 growin' sick, whaurupon ane o' the cottar wives 
 tane her hame an' gi'ed her a bed for the nicht. 
 Sairly flabirgastit as I was wi' my hard day's 
 kempin,' it was marrow to my banes whan Mrs. 
 Scoter cam' in aboot eleven o'clock, an' summonsed 
 the genteel pairt o' the company to the dinin'-room, 
 whaur Tibbie an' her had been engaged for an oor 
 previous in settin' oot a feast o' fat things, that 
 micht hae saired ony prince in a' Christendom. 
 We that were douce married fouk spent the rest o' 
 the nicht in eatin' an' drinkin', singin' sangs an' 
 tellin' stories ; but as for the lads an' lasses, they 
 " held the puddin' reekin' " till four o'clock the 
 followin' mornin'. Indeed, the ploughmen billies 
 left aff only whan it was time for them to gang 
 hame an' yoke, an' weary shanks there maun hae 
 been amang them lang ere the fiddler struck up 
 the grand finale o' " Bab at the Bowster."
 
 CHAPTER XXX 
 
 TIBBIE KISSED F THE TUNNEL 
 
 MY brither Jock had been settled in Glesca 
 for a guid wheen years in company wi' 
 Uncle John, my faither's youngest brither. They 
 carried on a prosperous an' profitable business, an' 
 had a fine wey o' doin'. As lang as the auld fouk 
 were to the fore, John made frequent pilgrimages 
 to Buttonhole, an' on thae occasions he wad some- 
 times mak a rin ower by to Dundee i' the hame- 
 gaun, to see Tibbie an' me. As I had ill-gettin' 
 awa' frae hame i' the earlier period o' my business 
 career we had never fund it convenient to veesit 
 him in Glesca, albeit he had aften been very pressin' 
 wi' his invitations. 
 
 Ae simmer, hooever, business bein' raither slacker 
 wi' me than ordinar', an' havin' tane in William 
 Clippins into partnership wi' me, the guidwife an' 
 me made it up atween us that we wad mak' a rin 
 through to Glesca for twa or three days. This 
 maitter bein' settled, Tibbie lost nae time in settin' 
 aboot makin' preparations for the trip. She pro- 
 vidit hersel wi' a braw new goon, a braw new shawl, 
 an' a braw new bannet, wi' a forest o' gum-floo'ers 
 on 't a ' i' the very pink o' the fashion. 
 
 302
 
 TIBBIE KISSED /' THE TUNNEL 303 
 
 It was a bonnie mornin' i' the month o' June 
 whan we set oot for the city o' St. Mungo's. We 
 had made it up atween us that we wad gang 
 through Fife i' the wa'-gaun, an' haud roon' by 
 Perth i' the hame-comin'. Oor ootward voyage 
 was marked by nae incident worthy o' bein' com- 
 mittit to paper. Oor Glesca freen's, wha had been 
 duly forewarned o' oor impendin' veesit, were at the 
 Station on oor arrival, an' received us wi' open airms. 
 They treatit us wi' unspeakable kindness, an' great 
 was oor pleasure at the mony bonnie an' wonderfu' 
 sichts we saw. We cud hae spent twa weeks 
 instead o' twa days wi' oor kind Glesca freen's, 
 an' we were sair pressed to do sae, but business 
 requirements at hame forbade oor acceptance o 1 
 their preferred hospitalities. 
 
 On the mornin' o' the third day after oor arrival, 
 we tane the train for Dundee. John, an' a wheen 
 ither freen's we had fa'en in wi' i' the city, convoyed 
 us to the railway station an' saw us aff. 
 
 "And pledgin' aft to meet again, 
 We tore oorsel's asunder." 
 
 The first pairt o' oor hameward journey was 
 uneventfu'. We had a haill compairtment o' the 
 carriage to oor twa sel's. On reachin' Larbert, 
 hooever, in staps a little fat, podsy bodie, wi' a 
 double chin, an' a paunch hoaved oot wi' roast beef 
 an' maut licker, until it was as capaucious as the 
 bag o' the Great Heelan' Bagpipe. He was the 
 very pickter o' health, guid natur', an', I may add, 
 impiddence.
 
 304 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 Little passed atween us in the wey o' cracks till 
 we cam' within sicht o' Stirlin', whan I happened 
 to remark till 'im, pointin' wi' my finger in the 
 direction o' St. Ninians, " The field o' Bannockburn, 
 sir." 
 
 " Well, sir, and what about it ? " 
 
 "Dinna ye ken? That's the famous field o' 
 Bannockburn, whaur the gallant Bruce smote the 
 English invaders wi' a very great slauchter." 
 
 " Never heard of it, sir." 
 
 " Weel, yer eddication maun hae been michty 
 sair negleckit, than." 
 
 " Not much, sir, not much. I've read about 
 Flodden, and I bet you haven't" 
 
 " Ou ay, min, I ken a' aboot that, tae. But gin 
 there hadna been treachery on oor side Flodden 
 wad hae seen anither sicht. An' there's ae thing 
 to be said aboot oor King Jamie that canna be said 
 aboot your King Ned ; Jamie stood till's guns as 
 lang's the breath o' life remained in's body, but 
 hen-hearted Neddie tane till's heels an' fled, 
 
 1 Ovver the borders an ' awa' 
 Like Jock o' Hazeldean,' 
 
 leavin' nae fewer than thirty thoosan' c' his 
 subjecks ahent him. 'Deed, aye, min, an' there 
 they lie yirdit on the banks o' the Bannock till this 
 very oor an' day yet" 
 
 My fallow-traiveller made nae reply to this, but 
 juist sat gruntin' till himsel', an' twirlin' 's thooms. 
 
 We werena weel awa' frae Stirlin', whan a dog 
 begoud to wurr an' bark, as I thocht under the seat
 
 TIBBIE KISSED /' THE TUNNEL 305 
 
 Tibbie was sittin' on. I glowered in, but naething 
 i' the shape o' a dog was veesible. Next I heard 
 a cat miowin' an' spittin', appairently within the 
 preecincts o' the carriage. I gi'ed anither keek in 
 below, but feint a cat was to be seen. By-an'-by 
 a cock yokit to the crawin', an' syne a curn hens 
 began kaiklin'. I keepit an e'e on Tibbie, an' saw 
 she was shakin' a' ower, an' lookin' maist meeserable. 
 At last I speered at the Englishman gin he had 
 been hearin' the mysterious soon's. He said he 
 had, an' said, by wey o' explanation, that i' the 
 neist carriage there was a menagerie o' wild beas'. 
 This was sma' consolation to Tibbie, for, as she 
 said, " What gin they brak oot ? they micht devoor 
 us." 
 
 Next we heard a gryce squeakin', seemin'ly 
 frae the interior o' Tibbie's radicle basket. 
 
 I keepit a watchfu' e'e on oor freen's movements. 
 I noticed that at ilka grunt the swine gi'ed, the 
 muscles o's throat were movin', an' his muckle 
 paunch was heavin.' 
 
 At Auchterarder the train haltit for a wee. I 
 ca'd for the station-maister, an' complained till 'im 
 aboot the diabolical on-gaun's o' oor fallow-trai- 
 veller. To the station-maister the fallow statit, 
 that he was a professional venturolocust, an' 
 that he earned an honest penny by gaun' through 
 the kintra gie'in' public enterteenments. To lat 
 us see that he was tellin' the truth, he gi'ed us 
 some swatches o's poo'ers o' speech, includin' 
 eemitations o' cats, dogs, bantam-cocks, an' swine, 
 a' sae true to natur' that, gin thae craiters had 
 
 20
 
 306 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 been present, they wad hae tane him for ane o* 
 their ain breed. 
 
 Resumin' oor seats aince mair, the train set aff 
 what it cud flee. Tibbie an' me an' the venturo- 
 locust were the sole occupants o' the compairtment 
 as formerly. We passed Forgandenny an' the Brig 
 o' Earn, an' naebody cam' into the carriage to 
 disturb oor meditations. The venturolocust was 
 now as mim as a moose. Nae mair barkin', an' 
 miowin', an' cock-crawin' wi'm. 
 
 Afore ye cud hae said sax the train played plunk 
 into Moncrieff Tunnel, wi a skreigh an' a roar that 
 rendered speakin', or at least hearin', entirely oot 
 o' the question. The darkness, too, cam' ower us 
 as suddenly as it did ower Alloway's auld hauntit 
 kirk, whan Tarn O' Shanter cried oot, " Weel dune, 
 Cutty Sark ! " 
 
 Whan we emerged frae the tunnel I noticed 
 that Tibbie was scarcely like hersel'. Her cheeks 
 were ower red for ae thing I cud see that, although 
 she keepit her thick oo'en veil drawn closely doon 
 ower her face. A closer inspection revealed the 
 fack that the veil was runkled mair than ordinar'. 
 Further observation showed that her curls had 
 been subjeckit to some sort o' pressure, an" the 
 preen o' her shawl was feezed roon' to her shoother- 
 head, insomuch that it lookit like a Hielanman's 
 plaid. Mairover, I cud discern through the texture 
 o' the veil that she was bitin' her nether lip an' 
 lookin' unutterable things at me, an' by-an'-by she 
 put her fit on my tae an' gi'ed it a veecious nip, in 
 token that she was dissatisfeed wi' my conduck
 
 TIBBIE KISSED I' THE TUNNEL 307 
 
 in some respeck ; though in what partee'klar respeck 
 I cudna say, nor in presence o' the Englishman 
 durst I venture to speer. 
 
 Maitters were in this powster whan the train drew 
 up at the platform, whaur there was a great crood, 
 into the whilk the Englishman vainisht in a mys- 
 terious manner. 
 
 Kennin' that we had but little time to pit aff, 
 Tibbie an' me hurried oot o' the station an' awa' 
 into the toon, whaur we inquired for a hoose o' 
 enterteenment, and bein' direckit to an inn nae far 
 bye, we entered an' ordered tea for twa. 
 
 While the tea was maskin', it occurred to me 
 that I micht fill up the interval by inveetin' Tibbie 
 to explain hoo it cam' aboot that her cheeks were 
 sae red, an' hoo her veil an' her shawl were sae 
 greatly carfuffled an' malagruized. 
 
 " 'Deed, Tammas," said she an' she spak' very 
 veecious-like, not havin' recovered her wonted 
 serenity, as I cud perceive " 'Deed, Tammas, mony 
 ane speers the gait they ken weel eneugh, an' sae 
 it fares wi' you." 
 
 " Me ! " said I ; " what hae I dune to call furth yer 
 displeasure ? The woman's mad ! " 
 
 " Ou, ye'll pretend to be ignorant, nae doot, but 
 that's aye the wey wi' you men. Ye either ken 
 a'thing or naething juist as it suits yer ain 
 purpose ! " 
 
 " Gude guide's, woman, explain my offence," said 
 I. "What did I do?" 
 
 " Juist kissed me whan we were comin' through 
 the tunnel, Tammas that's what ye did, an' I
 
 3o8 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 wad hae thocht naething o't aitherns gin ye hadna 
 rubbit my face sae cruelly wi' yer hard beard, an' 
 naffled a' my veil, an' ruggit at my shawl till I 
 thocht ye wad hae haen it aff my back. Cud ye 
 no hae waitit till we got hame ? " 
 
 "Tibbie!" said I, haudin' up baith my hands, 
 " that story is perfectly mervellous ! perfectly 
 mervellous ! I never laid a lip upo' yer face, 
 nor a han' upo' yer raiment, either in the tunnel 
 or oot o' the tunnel, an' gin onybody has dune't, 
 dod ! the Englishman has been the loon ! " 
 
 " Are ye tellin' the truth ? " said Tibbie, lookin' 
 very anxious like. 
 
 " Tellin' the truth, 'oman ! " roared I, at the pitch 
 o' my voice, for my briest was noo rinnin' ower wi' 
 richteous indignation at 'the thocht o' what that 
 villain o' a venturolocust had daured to do to my 
 guid-wife, an' that at my very lug. "Tellin' the 
 truth ! " I repeatit. " Surely I haena kissed ye sae 
 seldom aewey an' anither that I need to mak' ony 
 mystery aboot it. A man may fin' it convenient 
 to kiss his sweetheart i' the dark to save her 
 blushes, but he can surely affoord to kiss his wife 
 in braid daylicht." 
 
 " Sorra tak" him ! " exclaimed Tibbie, dichtin' 
 her een, for by this time the tears were beginnin' 
 to mak' their appearance ; " but gin I had a grip 
 o' 'm, I wad gar him he soused for this, for it's 
 clean against the law o' the land to do sic a thing 
 to ony honest 'oman, contrair' to her wull an' 
 pleasure." 
 
 " I'll hae the case putten into the han's o' the
 
 TIBBIE KISSED /' THE TUNNEL 309 
 
 Shirra," said I, "an' that's as sure 's I'm sittin' on 
 this chair ! " 
 
 " Oh, what'll I do ! " cried Tibbie. " It was ill 
 eneugh for the man to kiss me, Tammas, but but 
 oh, dear me! I I kissed the man, Tammas, 
 an' an' kittled his oxters, an' an' whan he rubbit 
 my cheek wi' 's beard, I gi'ed 'im a blenter i' the 
 side o' the head wi' my nieve juist as I do to 
 yersel', Tammas, whan ye're ower rouch wi' me. 
 Oh, what'll I do ? for I think black, burnin' shame o' 
 mysel. An' what'll the man be thinkin' but that 
 I'm juist as great a blackguaird as he is himsel' ? " 
 
 " My beloved spouse," said I, speakin' couthily 
 till her, " dinna tak' it sae muckle to heart. I ken 
 brawly ye wadna hae dune 't willin'ly an' I'll 
 forgi'e ye, Tibbie my 'oman, but that unsanctifeed 
 vaig o' a venturolocust I'll hae him " 
 
 " Deed, Tammas, ye wad be a great simpleton 
 to pass 'im," interjeckit Tibbie, stampin' her fit on 
 the floor, an' lookin' the very pickter o' veecious- 
 ness. 
 
 " Pass him ! " cried I. " Pass him, did ye say ? 
 If it sid cost me a' I'm worth in this warl' I'll 
 never rest till I hae the villain punisht for his misty 
 mainners. There's no a particle o' doot but he has 
 laid himsel' open to be prosecutit for an indecent 
 assault on a respectable leddy ; an' gentry o' that 
 kin', I can tell ye, fin' little mercy whan brocht 
 afore the tribunal o' justice." 
 
 " A' that may be true eneugh," said Tibbie ; " but 
 ye maun min' what I was tellin' ye." 
 
 " An' what was that ? "
 
 3io TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 " Juist this Tammas, that I kissed the venturo- 
 locust ; an', ye ken, that may mak' a' the difference 
 i' the waif i' the e'e o' the law." 
 
 " Ay, Tibbie, but ye can gie yer solemn aith that 
 ye did it against yer wull, by mistak, as it were, 
 an' that'll mak a' square." 
 
 " No against my wull, Tammas I'm ashamed 
 to think that I did it quite volunteerly." 
 
 " But what o' that whan ye did it unwittin'ly ? 
 A clear case o' mistaken identity on your pairt, 
 Tibbie ; but can the Englishman say as muckle 
 for himsel' ? Weel-a-wat, no ! Malice perpense, as 
 the lawyers say malice perpense, Tibbie assault 
 an' battery a maist heinous offence, and gin there 
 is law to be gotten on this side o' Lon'on, either 
 for love or siller, I'll put it in operation ! " 
 
 " An' wad I hae to be examined as a witness, 
 Tammas ? " 
 
 " Nae doot o' that, Tibbie. Ye'll hae to tell a' 
 hoo it was dune lat them see exactly hoo the 
 man kissed ye necessar' for the ends o' justice 
 that ye sid do sae ; withoot that it wad be nae 
 evidence ava." 
 
 " An' wad I hae to lat them see hoo I kissed 
 the man, Tammas ? " 
 
 " To be sure ye wull, Tibbie, an' also hoo ye 
 kittled his oxters, an' hoo ye struck him i' the side 
 o' the head. Ye maun keep naething back, for 
 ye'll be bund by a solemn aith to tell the truth, 
 the haill truth, an' naething but the truth." 
 
 " Well, as sure's oucht, Tammas, I cudna ! No, 
 I cudna stan' up i' the Coort afore sae mony men-
 
 TIBBIE KISSED /' THE TUNNEL 311 
 
 fouk, an' rehearse a' the operation that tane place 
 i' the tunnel. I wad be sure to faint an' fa' doon. 
 Sae gin they dinna tak' my word for't, I'm dooting 
 we'll jist need to lat the vaigabon' awa' wi' his 
 ill-gotten kiss." 
 
 "Weel, weel," said I, burstin' oot a-lauchin', 
 " we're equal equal noo, Tibbie, lass. After this, 
 ye'll no need to cast up to me ony mair that 
 clandestine roon' o' kissin' an' clappin' I gat frae 
 Phemie Fairntickle under clud o' nicht i' the corn- 
 yaird ower-bye at Cockmylane. Ye mind o' 
 that ? " 
 
 " Ay, ay, Tammas, but I never wytit ye for 
 that, excep'in' maybe in fun." 
 
 " Nor 'ill I ever blame ye for this affair, Tibbie, 
 unless it be in fun, likewise ; for weel do I ken 
 ye wad never hae kissed the venturolocust gin it 
 hadna been dune i' the dark by mistak'. But an 
 I had ye hame, lass, ye'se get as mony legeetimate 
 smourichs as ye can set a face till." 
 
 At this point o' the conversation I pu'd oot my 
 watch, an' observin' that it wanted only seven 
 meenutes o' train time, I peyed the lawin' an' aff 
 we startit for the Station, We keepit a gleg 
 look-oot for the venturolocust, but frae that day 
 to this never mair did we see or hear tell o' 'im. 
 We wandered up an' doon the platform, glowerin' 
 into the faces o' a' the men we cud clap an e'e on, 
 but feint ane o' them had the slichtest likeness to 
 the venturolocust. The train comin' up belyve, 
 we tane oor seats, an' were in due coorse safely 
 landit at Dundee.
 
 CHAPTER XXXI 
 
 ODDS AND ENDS 
 
 " T ADD no more! " quoth a certain paper-readin' 
 
 J. divine, steekin' the Beuk wi' a lood bang whan 
 he cam' to the end o's discoorse. 
 
 " Because ye canna, sir ! " growled an auld wife, 
 wha had been sittin' on the poopit-stair durin' 
 service, watchin' his " paper-wark " wi' nae freen'ly 
 expression on her coontenance. 
 
 Like this paper-readin' parson I maun add no 
 more, but I'll defy ony wife, either auld or young, 
 to say I canna. The truth is, I maun steek my 
 beuk, no that I've naething mair to say, but that I 
 dreed I've said ower muckle already to unco little 
 purpose, I was gaun to add, but na I leave the 
 reader to find oot that fack for himsel'. 
 
 Yet, gentle reader, a few "last words" ere we 
 pairt. Whan I send hame a suit o' claes, I aye put 
 the orra clippin's into the pouches they're very 
 serviceable whan repairs come to be needit. In 
 previous chapters I've gi'en ye the claes, as it were, 
 in this ane ye'se get the clippin's. It's three 
 score years naur-haun sin' I left the East Neuk. 
 In that period aboot twa generations o' men an' 
 
 312
 
 ODDS AND ENDS 313 
 
 women hae come an' gane. My heart grows grit 
 whan I think o't. 
 
 My faither an' mither are they still livin' ? Na, 
 baith dead ! It's forty years an' mair sin' they 
 " slept the sleep that knows no waking ! " My 
 faither, like a guid sodger, dee'd in the execution 
 o's duty. It was in the dead o' winter, an' there 
 was a heavy fa' o' snaw on the grun', whan, sair 
 against my mither's will, he set oot ae mornin', 
 accompanied by his 'prentice loonie, to " whip the 
 cat " at the fairm o' Windywa's, sitiwat some three 
 mile an' a half to the soothward o' Buttonhole. 
 Durin' the day a hasty thow had set in, an' by mid 
 afternoon rain cam' on, sae by the time it was 
 gloamin' dark the fields an' roads were soomin' 
 knee deep wi' snaw-broo. The guidwife o' Windy- 
 wa's kindly entreatit my faither an' his 'prentice 
 laddie to tarry a' nicht, but this he refused to do, 
 for he kent that gin he didna gang hame my 
 mither wad be uneasy aboot him. Na, to Button- 
 hole he wad gang at whatever risk, though the 
 laddie micht bide a' nicht, as he was lame o' a leg, 
 an' ill able to trauchle i' the dark through the slush 
 an' gutters. 
 
 Aboot nine o'clock my faither left Windywa's 
 his liefu' lane. Neist mornin' his mortal remains 
 were fund at the bottom o' a deep pool in the 
 Mossy Howe burn ! The fatal pool wasna aboon 
 half a mile frae Buttonhole, an' mony a happy 'oor 
 had I spent soomin' paper boaties on't whan I was 
 a bairn, little thinkin' that it was to prove the 
 death o' ane sae near an' dear to me.
 
 314 T AM MAS BODKIN 
 
 My mither, wha had wandered aboot the doors 
 the haill nicht through, lookin' anxiously an' 
 earnestly for his hame-comin,' was the first to 
 fin' his clay-cauld corp at daybrak the followin' 
 mornin' ! Puir woman ! she never got aboon that 
 tragical event. An ill cauld she caught on that 
 mournfu' nicht, added to the dreedfu' shock im- 
 pairtit to her naterally delicate constitution, threw 
 her into a gallopin' consumption, an' afore the 
 ensuin' Can'lemas, I saw her clay tawbernacle laid 
 beside that o' my faither in the hoose appointit 
 for a' livin'. This was a sair bereavement to me, 
 for as lang as they lived Tibbie an" me were 
 frequent veesitors at Buttonhole, an' sometimes they 
 wad come ower i' the simmer time an' spend a curn 
 days wi' us in Dundee. 
 
 The decease o' my faither an' mither havin' 
 constituted me heir to the family inheritance o 1 
 Buttonhole, it becam' a serious question whether I 
 sidna bid fareweel to the pleasant banks o' the 
 Tay, an' settle doon on my paternal acres, as my 
 forbears had dune for mony generations ; but con- 
 siderin' that the conversion o' sma" fairms into big 
 anes, an' the substitution o' spinnin' mills for 
 spinnin' wheels, had greatly thinned the population 
 i' the East Neuk, an' considerin' also that I had 
 established a roarin' trade in Dundee, I finally 
 resolved to remain whaur I was, an' put a tenant 
 on Buttonhole. As Mr. Archibald Stitch, an auld 
 apprentice o' mine, was gaun mad to get marriet 
 aboot that time, I offered him the bit placie at a 
 fair rent, an' the guidwill o' my faither's business
 
 ODDS AND ENDS 315 
 
 for naething, for which he was abundantly thankfu', 
 an' there he sat doon wi' a cantie bit wifie, an' 
 brocht up a big family. 
 
 On the back o' this calamity cam' the death o' 
 Tibbie's mither, fallowt i' the coorse o' natur 1 by 
 that o' her faither, an' their wa' gang brak the 
 hindmost link that bund her affections to Breerie- 
 buss. 
 
 Burleyrackit, too, cheenged han's. Squire Bow- 
 man havin' drunk himsel' oot o' hoose an' ha', gaed 
 to Lon'on an' set up a horse-brakin' business, an' 
 there he dee'd in a state o' great poverty an' 
 meesery. 
 
 Ilka simmer for lang I made a point o' spendin' 
 a day at Buttonhole, pairtly to see hoo Archie was 
 managin' maitters, but chiefly that I micht drap 
 a tear o' filial devotion ower the lowly graves o' the 
 dead, an' pu' a gowan frae the sod that wraps their 
 honoured clay. The last time I veesitit the auld 
 kirkyaird, an' that was a guid wheen years syne, I 
 faun' the sexton measurin' aff the sax feet by twa 
 that constitutes the final earthly inheritance alike 
 o' the loftiest an' the lowliest. I drew near till the 
 " hoary-headed chronicle " wi' some vague notion 
 that I was aboot to excheenge sentiments wi' my 
 auld freen' Geordie Mortclaith ; but, alas ! mony 
 years had gane sin' Geordie's honest head had been 
 clappit by this " trusty brother of the trade." 
 
 " A braw day, freen'," I remarkit. 
 
 "Deed is't a bonnie day," said he, castin' on 
 me a glower o' mingled curiosity an' suspeecion." 
 
 "Aye plenty o' wark I suppose," said I.
 
 316 TAMMAS BODKIN 
 
 " Feint a muckle doin' in my way enoo," he 
 replied, wi' a sigh ; " only the third job I've ha'en 
 for audit or nine weeks." 
 
 " The less wark ye get the better," I said, smilin'. 
 
 " Weel, I daursay you're no far wrang," he said, 
 " but still an' on, ye ken, fouk maun live." 
 
 " Or rather fouk maun dee that ye may live." 
 
 " Weel, that's maybe gey an like the wey o't" 
 
 " But wha are ye howkin' this hole for if ane 
 may speer ? " 
 
 "Ou, it's for auld Patie Baisler. He has been 
 in a grainin' wey for mony lang, an' on Munonday 
 nicht he wore awa." 
 
 " Yea, though ! my auld freen' Patie dead ! That's 
 sorrowfu' tidin's." 
 
 " Ye kent Patie then ? " said the sexton, scruti- 
 neezin' me wi' his little grey een frae underneath 
 the rim o' his greasy weather-beaten bannet 
 
 " As weel as I kent yer predecessor, Geordie 
 Mortclaith." 
 
 " Ye kent Geordie then ? " 
 
 " Ay, an' hunders forbye him wha hae come 
 through your hands lang ere noo, I dreed. Mr. 
 Go wlan thump " 
 
 " Was dead afore my day ; but ye'll see his 
 headstane at the north dyke there." 
 
 " An' Mr. Squeeker " 
 
 " Was the first corp I buried." 
 
 " Mrs. Snifters o' the Horse Shoe Inn she's 
 dead too, I believe." 
 
 " Ou, ay ; dead mony a year an' day syne. Ye 
 see she grew ower frail to mind the drink sellin',
 
 ODDS AND ENDS 317 
 
 an' sae she gi'ed up the leeshince, gaed to live wi' 
 a dochter in Edinbro', an' dee'd there." 
 " Ye'll mind o' Satmders Broganawl ? " 
 "Ou, ay, he lies yonder," an' he pointit to a 
 little grassy mound near the kirk style. 
 
 Havin' speered a few mair questions, no for 
 information, hooever, sin' I was as weel versed 
 in the dead-rolls o' the pairish as he was, but juist 
 because I felt a mournfu' interest in hearin' auld 
 fameeliar names I bade him guid day, an' left him 
 to pursue his solitary meditations amang the tombs. 
 
 THE END 
 
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 " There are many who are glad to hear of a good healthy story, 
 which at the same time possesses cleverness and literary quality. 
 To such ' Michael Lament ' can be heartily recommended. . . . Her 
 characters are individual and life-like, and when once they have 
 been seen, they are sure to be remembered." Dr. STALKER in The 
 British Weekly. 
 
 THIRD EDITION. Price is. 
 
 THE REDEMPTION OF EDWARD 
 STRAHAN. A Social Story. 
 
 By W. J. DAWSON, 
 Author of " Makers of Modern English," etc. 
 
 " A powerful story." The Times. 
 
 " A powerful book with a pure and high aim." Right Hon. 
 W. E. Gladstone. 
 
 LONDON: HODDER & STOUGHTON, 27, PATERNOSTER Row.