STACK 
 
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 126 
 
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 561 Surf Street 
 Chicago, Illinois 
 
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 T. S.DENISON & COMPANY 
 
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 J.S.DENISON ^ COMPANY Publishers 
 
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 BELL ELLIOTT PALMER 
 
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 "Christmas Truants" 
 
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 T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 
 Publishers
 
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 FOR EIGHT WOMEN 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 (In order of their first appearance') 
 
 MARGARET BRANSON \ mmG ^ ests at thc Kclloqq house party 
 LAURA FITZSIMMOXS \ 
 
 MRS. RICHARD D. KELLOGG The hostess 
 
 HELEN STODDARD ] Ofhgr ts 
 
 EMMA SUMMERS ) 
 
 MARY CASTLE 
 
 .... The Kelloggs' maid, convinced of masculine tyranny 
 
 FRANCES AYRES The frivolous guest 
 
 GRACE KELLOGG Mrs. Kellogg' s daughter 
 
 Ti M E A ny summer. 
 
 PLACE Mrs. Kellogg' s summer home. 
 
 TIME OF PLAYING About thirty minutes. 
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1906, BY T. S. DENISON 
 MADE IN U. S. A.
 
 MEN NOT WANTED 3 
 
 COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 
 
 Margaret, Laura, Helen, Emma, and Grace, aged from 
 seventeen to twenty, are all attractive, light-hearted girls 
 who, under the spell of a social service lecture have suddenly 
 assumed a profound seriousness which shows in their dress 
 and manner. 
 
 Margaret allows her hair to fly untended, and wears an 
 untidy-looking negligee. 
 
 Laura appears in a neat but plain dress, with old, loose- 
 heeled slippers on her feet. 
 
 Helen wears a rather plain dark gingham house dress. 
 
 Emma wears a light, pretty summer frock and hat, both 
 a little wilted from heat and strenuous activity. 
 
 Grace wears a severe-looking tailored suit in keeping with 
 her role of woman politician. 
 
 Mrs. Kellogg wears fashionable street suit and hat. 
 
 Mary is an angular, sad-looking maid, long past middle 
 age. She wears the regulation maid's costume of grey or 
 black with white cap and apron. 
 
 Frances, whose gay spirit is not affected by the lecture, 
 is dressed in a modish and becoming white sports suit and 
 hat, with appropriate accessories. 
 
 PROPERTIES 
 
 For Mrs. Kellogg, hand bag, samples of dress silks, open 
 letter. For Helen, two pencils, two large volumes of 
 "Plutarch's Lives." For Emma, armful of tracts, handker- 
 chief. For Mary, dust cloth, several vases filled with flowers. 
 For Frances, tennis racket, bunch of flowers, engagement 
 ring, handkerchief. For Grace, pamphlet, paper knife. 
 
 2055222
 
 MEN NOT WANTED 
 
 SCENE: The comfortably furnished living room of MRS. 
 KELLOGG'S summer home. It has two doors: one at right 
 leading to the front hall and outdoors, and the other at left, 
 leading to the rear of the house. A large window, with cur- 
 tains and drapes, is up center. Up left is a bookcase, on 
 which MARGARET'S black hat is lying. A lounge, piled with 
 fancy pillows, is dozvn right. Near the center of the stage 
 is a library table, with an easy chair at right and another at 
 left of it. On the table are books, papers, and a vase con- 
 taining flowers and water. Down left is a writing desk on 
 which is a complete set of writing paraphernalia, also a thick 
 pamphlet. A straight-backed chair is beside it. Up right 
 near the ba-ck drop is a fireplace with a mantel, on which are 
 a number of pictures and ornaments. Above the mantel is 
 a mirror. Up center near the ba-ck drop are two comfortable- 
 looking chairs, one on either side of the window. A foot- 
 stool is down center right not far from the right-hand arm- 
 chair. A small telephone table, with an instrument on it 
 and a chair beside it, is at left between the writing desk and 
 the door. In the drawer of the center table is a complete 
 set of writing materials and a letter in an open envelope. 
 
 At rise of curtain, MARGARET is sitting at the telephone 
 table at left, talking into the mouthpiece. Her hair is in dis- 
 order, and her negligee is untidy. 
 
 MARGARET (rumpling her hair nervously as she phones'). 
 Why, you see, Mrs. Barnes, I thought that since you had 
 known mother so long and had had so much experience in 
 church work, you might be able to advise me. (Pauses and 
 listens.) Yes. As I was saying, I heard a perfectly won- 
 der-ful lecture last night on "What Is Worth While in Life," 
 
 5
 
 6 MEN NOT WANTED 
 
 and it made me feel how frivolous I have been to neglect the 
 serious part of life. (Pauses.) Oh, did you hear it, too? 
 Over the radio? Wasn't it perfectly won-der-f ul ? It made 
 me positively shudder to think how much time I have wasted 
 dressing and fixing my hair and going to parties. What's 
 that? (Pauses.) Oh, yes; I believe that Mrs. Kellogg is 
 planning some parties while we are here, but I don't expect 
 to give much of my time to them. (Pauses.) Well, of 
 course I like Dick well enough, but since last night I've de- 
 cided I've been wasting too much time trying to please men. 
 Now I ask you, Mrs. Barnes, are they worth it? (Soul- 
 fully.) Think of all the splendid things in the world that 
 are much more worth while! (Pauses.) Yes; I have fully 
 decided that I'm going to be a missionary. (Pauses.) Oh, 
 yes, indeed. I feel that my own particular field is Africa. 
 I'm going there just as soon as I can find out about the 
 work. (Pauses.) Yes. I really called you to find out the 
 address of that Kushutoo missionary you were telling mother 
 about last summer. He can tell me all about the work. I 
 bet he'd like to have me as his assistant. (Pauses.) Just 
 wait a minute. I'll write it down. (Drops receiver, makes 
 a comedy dash down to writing desk, grabs paper and pencil, 
 darts back to phone, puts receiver to ear, and ztrites.) Just 
 say that again, Mrs. Barnes. (Pauses and writes.) Oh, 
 thank you so much ! I'll call you again sometime. 
 
 During her last two sentences, LAURA enters at left, walk- 
 ing clumsily in loose-heeled boudoir slippers, looking pre- 
 occupied. MARGARET looks her over critically. 
 
 MARGARET. Hullo, Laura. Where did you dig up the 
 fancy slippers? At a rummage sale? How come a fluffy 
 ruffles like you looks so tacky to-day? 
 
 LAURA (contemptuously). Looks? Who cares for looks 
 after that perfectly grand lecture we heard last night? ' It's 
 a darned shame mother ever let me go into society and play 
 around with the men. Think how useful I could have been 
 to the world! (Looks MARGARET over for the first time.) 
 Well, you're a fine one to make bum jokes about my slip-
 
 MEN NOT WANTED 7 
 
 pers. You look like the tail end of an imperfect day your- 
 self ! What have you done to your hair? 
 
 MARGARET (tossing her head indifferently). I should 
 worry about my hair. I'm not going to be a silly butterfly 
 a minute longer and spend all my time dressing to please the 
 men. I don't mind telling you, Laura, that I'm done with 
 men forever! (Makes a sweeping gesture indicating com- 
 plete elimination.) 
 
 LAURA (admiringly). Oh, Margaret, isn't that simply 
 splendid? I've ditched the men, too they bore me. any- 
 way. But I don't think I can quite afford to neglect my 
 looks and get old and frowsy-looking. (Glances cautiously 
 into the mirror above the mantel and fusses with her hair.) 
 
 MARGARET. Well, I intend to devote the rest of my life to 
 foreign missions. 
 
 LAURA (enthusiastically). Oh, do you? I'm going to be 
 a missionary, too. 
 
 MARGARET. From now on, I am going to cut out all 
 frivolity and devote my life to uplifting the poor, benighted 
 heathen of Africa 
 
 LAURA (in a disappointed tone). But I have chosen 
 Africa for my own field. 
 
 MARGARET (contemptuously). You! What could you 
 do in Africa? Besides, I thought of it first. And there 
 wouldn't be a bit of fun or a particle of glory for me. with 
 another woman tagging along. 
 
 LAURA (after a short silence). Isn't Africa big enough 
 so that you could take one end and I the other? It looks 
 big enough on the map. 
 
 MARGARET. Well, I can tell you right away that Africa 
 isn't big enough to hold two women missionaries. I intend 
 to send back reports that will make me famous, like Stan- 
 ley's "Darkest Africa," and if you were anywhere around, 
 you'd cramp my style. I thought you were always so inter- 
 ested in tenement house babies. Why don't you stick to that 
 line? 
 
 LAURA (weakening). Well, maybe I shall. To tell the 
 truth, I'm not a bit keen about boa constrictors ; and I un-
 
 8 MEN NOT WANTED 
 
 derstand that Africa is full of 'em. I'd simply pass away 
 if I saw one swinging above my head. 
 
 MARGARET (boastfully). Pooh! I wouldn't care. I was 
 reading the other day that the boa constrictor's deadliest 
 enemy is a black bird with fringed feathers, which swoops 
 down and picks out his eyes. My black lace hat with its 
 ruffled edge you remember I picked it up at a fire sale 
 looks exactly like the picture of that bird. (Rises, crosses 
 to the bookcase up left, gets the hat, and jams it down on her 
 hair, with grotesque effect.) There! I bet you that when 
 Mr. Boa Constrictor sees this hat bobbing around the jungle 
 he'll run a mile in the other direction. You know, boa con- 
 strictors are awfully dumb. 
 
 LAURA (eying the hat with abhorrence). I wouldn't say 
 they were so dumb just because they ran from that! (Points 
 to the hat and shudders.) I'd run from it, too, if I had to 
 look at it very long. Take it off! 
 
 MARGARET (scornfully, perching on the arm of chair at 
 right of table). Huh! 'Fraid cat! Why, you couldn't even 
 be trusted to take care of slum babies. When they had the 
 colic, you'd probably throw a fit and run away and leave them 
 to scream their poor little heads off. 
 
 LAURA (hotly), I would not! I'm simply a wow at tak- 
 ing care of babies! I have a natural gift for it. What's 
 more, I've got a perfectly gorgeous idea for inventing a cure 
 for colic ; and when I get it worked out, it'll make me a lot 
 more famous than your little old missionary stunt will make 
 you. So you can just keep your old Africa. I don't want 
 it! (The two girls glare at each other. Suddenly the door- 
 bell rings off right. MARGARET jerks off her hat wildly, 
 flings it back on the bookcase, smooths her disordered hair 
 frantically, runs down to the writing desk, and begins to 
 write. LAURA flings herself on the lounge and piles sofa 
 pillows upon her feet until the shabby slippers are hidden. 
 Both wait breathlessly. When no one enters, they exchange 
 shame-faced looks. Then LAURA speaks contemptuously.') 
 So you're the gal that doesn't care a hoot about her looks! 
 But the minute the bell rings Quick, Hortense ! Do my
 
 MEN NOT WANTED 9 
 
 hair and bring my handsomest gown ! It may be a man ! 
 (Laughs tcasingly.) 
 
 MARGARET (indignantly). What! Me dress up lor a 
 man? Well, I guess not! I merely took off my hat to ven- 
 tilate my hair. I don't want to grow bald-headed from wear- 
 ing a hat too much in the house. 
 
 LAURA (with a disparaging look at MARGARET'S head). 
 Your hair couldn't possibly look any worse than it does now, 
 if you were bald-headed. 
 
 MARGARET (sarcastically). Thanks, darling. Anyone 
 would think, from the way you're hiding those sloppy, down- 
 at-the-heel old slippers, that you were afraid a man might 
 pop into the room at any minute. 
 
 LAURA (tossing the pillows off her feet and jumping up, 
 haughtily). How many times must I tell you that I'm oft" 
 of men for good? These slippers are the badge of my eman- 
 cipation from frivolity. (Makes a sweeping gesture of the 
 arms and flings out one leg in a kind of pirouette, thereby 
 losing a slipper. Bends down and makes a dive for the slip- 
 per.) Henceforth I live only to serve humanity. (Tries to 
 put slipper on, loses her balance, and sits flat on the floor. 
 MARGARET snickers.) 
 
 Enter MRS. KELLOGG at right, dressed for the street. She 
 carries a hand bag containing dress samples. LAURA drags 
 on her slipper, springs to her feet in confusion, and sits de- 
 murely on the lounge. 
 
 MRS. KELLOGG (glancing in surprise from one girl to the 
 other). Why, girls, what are you doing, moping around the 
 house on a glorious morning like this? I thought you had 
 decided to go shopping with me. The samples have come 
 from Menard's, and I know you'll be anxious to see them. 
 (Sits at center table, takes samples from her hand bag, and 
 shows them to the girls, speaking enthusiastically.) There! 
 Did you ever see anything as lovely and girlish as these little 
 prints? Here's just the thing for you, Margaret. 
 
 MARGARET (indifferently). It is pretty. But I don't really 
 need any new dresses just now.
 
 10 MEN NOT WANTED 
 
 MRS. KELLOGG. Why, I thought you said yesterday that 
 you had to have a new one for the Fairs' dance. 
 
 MARGARET (embarrassed). Yes, I know. But I've 
 changed my mind. I may never dance er I mean, if I 
 need a new one I er can make the old ones do. 
 
 MRS. KELLOGG (puzzled). Well, of course you have all 
 sorts of pretty dresses. (Turns to LAURA.) Surely you're 
 going to get a new one, Laura, in honor of Ted Jannin. 
 Just look at this wild rose pattern. Pink is his favorite 
 color; isn't it? 
 
 LAURA (evasively). I don't know that is, I suppose so. 
 But I don't really think I shall need any more dainty, frilly 
 things any more. 
 
 MRS. KELLOGG (rising and gathering up her bag and 
 samples). Well, of course, that is for you to decide. I will 
 leave the samples here (puts them on the table), and you can 
 look them over at your leisure. If you change your minds, 
 I shall be glad to order the goods sent out or go down town 
 with you. (Exit hurriedly at right.) 
 
 MARGARET (with elbow on desk and chin cupped in her 
 hand, speaks, somewhat dismayed). Well, here we are in a 
 pretty mess! We've talked so much. about the new dresses 
 we intended to have. And we've even engaged the dress- 
 maker ! 
 
 LAURA (stern and businesslike). Easiest thing in the 
 world to tell her we've changed our minds. After all. what 
 use would you have for silks and voiles running around the 
 African jungle and dodging snakes and alligators? And I'd 
 look funny, wouldn't I, fluttering up and down tenement 
 house stairs and washing slum babies in that wild rose print? 
 
 Enter HELEN at left, with a pencil stuck behind each ear 
 and carrying two large books. She sits at left of center 
 table, and lays books on the table beside her. 
 
 MARGARET (glancing at the titles). Good grief, Helen! 
 What are you doing lugging Plutarch's "Lives" around? 
 Can't you find any lighter literature than this to read and 
 give yourself a headache?
 
 MEN NOT WANTED 11 
 
 HELEN (shaking her head dolefully). I can't get that lec- 
 ture of last evening out of my head. I was never so deeply 
 impressed in all my life. 
 
 LAURA. Me, too! 
 
 MARGARET. Wasn't it thrilling? 
 
 HELEN. Girls, it just makes me sick to think how I've 
 wasted my time with dress and parties and men. Men are 
 the worst! And now I'm through with 'em. I swear it! 
 I've canceled two dates to go sailing. 
 
 MARGARET (somewhat regretfully). And I've given up 
 the loveliest motor ride and an evening at the theater just to 
 to go to Africa. 
 
 LAURA (almost crying). I'm sure I don't know what Ted 
 Jannin will think when he gets my note this afternoon. We 
 were going walking along the beach drive. But I'd do any- 
 thing for the tenement house babies ! 
 
 HELEN (firmly). I've turned over an entirely new leaf. 
 I've laid out a course in serious reading for myself. I 
 thought it might help me find out my mission in life. I'm 
 beginning with Plutarch. 
 
 MARGARET (giggling). Having put men behind you, you 
 are now studying the mistakes of great men. 
 
 HELEN. Don't be so flippant, Margaret. Good books are 
 really elevating. Besides, this is awfully interesting. (Opens 
 one of the volumes and yawns.) If you will excuse me, I'll 
 go on with my reading. Or would you like me to read aloud? 
 
 MARGARET (hastily). It's sweet of you to offer, but really 
 I have to write a letter at once to the superintendent of the 
 Central African Mission. (Turns around to the desk and 
 begins to write.) 
 
 LAURA (springing up from the lounge and sitting at right 
 of center table). And I must write to that social settlement 
 worker what's her name? Miss Montremy, at once and 
 tell her. I'm going to join her staff. (Opens draiver of 
 library table, takes out writing materials and an opened let- 
 ter, and begins to write.) I'll begin work to-morrow. 
 
 Enter EMMA at right, carrying an armful of tracts.
 
 12 MEN NOT WANTED 
 
 HELEN (looking up from her book -with a yawn). Why, 
 Emma, where have you been ? Come to think of it, I haven't 
 seen you since breakfast. 
 
 EMMA (sitting on lounge, drops her tracts on the lounge 
 beside her and wipes her forehead with her handkerchief). 
 I've been terribly busy. I started out right after breakfast, 
 and I've been delivering tracts. 
 
 MARGARET (blankly). Tracts! 
 
 LAURA (her mouth open). Wha what for? 
 
 EMMA. Well, you see, I was so thrilled by that lecture 
 last night that I couldn't get it out of my head. It showed 
 me so plainly that I have been wasting my time, particularly 
 with men, that I well. I canceled my game of tennis with 
 Edward Short Oh, girls, he is simply a divine player ! 
 That is, I mean I'm through with men. I'm going to 
 devote myself to the service of mankind. 
 
 MARGARET (coldly). How interesting! 
 
 HELEN (skeptically). No! You don't say! 
 
 LAURA (sotto voce, with indignation}. Copy cat! 
 
 EMMA (too well pleased with herself to detect the note of 
 criticism}. Mrs. Harcourt has often begged me to help her 
 distribute tracts among the fishermen. So I went right 
 around to her and got a bundle. 
 
 MARGARET (enviously}. You're lucky to get into active 
 service so soon. Oh, dear! I wish it didn't take so long to 
 get to Africa. 
 
 LAURA. And to think how many slum babies may be 
 dying this minute from ill treatment and lack of helpers ! 
 I've a notion to start out at once and walk to the city. 
 
 EMMA (doubtfully, as she arranges the tracts in sys- 
 tematic piles on the lounge). Well, I'm not so sure that I 
 did any more good by passing out these goofy tracts than 
 if I had stayed at home and played tennis. 
 
 MARGARET (amazed}. What! 
 
 LAURA. Why, Emma! 
 
 EMMA. Not one of the fishermen looked as if he could 
 read. One of 'em wrapped his bait in his tract, before my 
 very eyes. And another was so drunk that I got scared and
 
 MEN NOT WANTED 13 
 
 came away. However, I intend to stick. I might as well. 
 Ed will probably never speak to me again! Maybe I'll take 
 up Grace Kellogg's work. 
 
 LAURA. What's Grace going to do? 
 
 MARGARET. Where is she? 
 
 EMMA. Upstairs writing letters to the presidents of a 
 lot of women voters' clubs. Ever since the lecture of last 
 night, she's been all wrought up and awfully down on the 
 men. She doesn't dare to tell her mother what she's up to, 
 but (leaning toward the others confidentially) between you 
 and me and the gatepost, she really intends to get a job lectur- 
 ing for the women voters' clubs on the civic duties of women. 
 
 HELEN (gasping). My goodness ! 
 
 MARGARET. Splendid ! 
 
 Enter MARY, the maid, at left, carrying a dust cloth and 
 several cases, which she places on niantcl during ensuing 
 speeches. 
 
 MARY (glancing around the room at the girls). Will I 
 be after disturbin' you ladies if I do a little dustin'r Seemed 
 like I could niver get around to it this mornin' till now. 
 
 HELEN (pleasantly). Go as far as you like, Mary. If 
 we get in your way, just shoo us aside. (Resumes her read- 
 ing, ivith a prolonged yawn.) 
 
 LAURA (looking up from her writing as MARY approaches 
 the table). Mary, did you ever fool around much with the 
 men? 
 
 MARY (dusting the books). I did that. Why, bless your 
 sweet life! T was married three times! 
 
 MARGARET (dropping her pen in astonishment). You 
 don't say! Why, how did you ever happen to catch ? I 
 mean, how did they ever persuade you to marry them? 
 
 MARY (dusting a vase thoughtfully). Well, you see, I 
 was young and silly once. 
 
 HELEN (sotto voce, to LAURA). Would you ever have 
 believed it? 
 
 MARY. And when they asked me. I felt sort of sorry for
 
 14 MEN NOT WANTED 
 
 them and said, "yes." But I would never do it again if I 
 had my life to live over. 
 
 EMMA (triumphantly, to the other girls'). Ah, you hear 
 that? Just what we've been saying: Men are only a 
 hindrance ! Mary ought to know ; she's had enough ex- 
 perience ! (Hunts behind the pictures on the mantel for 
 string, finds it, and begins to tie up tracts with it.) 
 
 LAURA (rising and wandering restlessly about the room). 
 But is a man really worse than a bunch of colicky babies? 
 
 MARY (dusting chairs up center). Worse? Well, I should 
 say so. Why, I've took care of slathers of babies in my 
 time and come through with only tired arms. But onct a 
 woman gets married, it's tired arms, tired jaws, and a tired 
 heart she carries to bed with her every night, for all the 
 arguing she's had to do to get enough to feed and clothe 
 herself. 
 
 MARGARET (nodding, ^mth conviction}. That's true. And 
 the world not a bit better off for her trouble, either ! 
 
 (The other girls nod vigorously in approval.} 
 
 Enter FRANCES gayly at right, carrying a tennis racket in 
 one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other. She throws 
 herself on the lounge, puts the racket on the floor beside her, 
 and glances in astonishment from one girl to another. 
 
 FRANCES (frivolously). Greetings, sisters! What have 
 I interrupted ? A meeting of Doleful Dumps Lodge, Num- 
 ber 22? You all look as though you are carrying the sins 
 of the world on your shoulders. 
 
 LAURA (sternly). Frances, don't be flippant! 
 
 MARGARET (ditto). Somebody ought to help the sinners 
 bear their burdens! 
 
 EMMA. That's right! Kid us when we are trying to do 
 some good in the world ! 
 
 FRANCES (taking off her hat, unruffled, and fanning her- 
 self with it, as she glances amusedly at the four girls). Oh, 
 so that's what you're trying to do! Since when have you 
 acquired this zeal to serve suffering humanity?
 
 MEN NOT WANTED 15 
 
 MARGARET (scathingly). Since the lecture last night. If 
 you hadn't played hookey instead of attending it with us, 
 you'd understand why we were all so deeply impressed 
 
 FRANCES (with a giggle). I'll say you were! 
 
 MARGARET (continuing'). impressed with the fact that 
 the world needs us badly! (Consults a booklet on the desk.) 
 Do you realize that out of two million African souls, packed 
 in an area no larger than that of any one of our larger 
 cities ? 
 
 FRANCES (interrupting, in surprise). You don't say! 
 How did the Africans happen to get packed in that closely? 
 I've always heard that one of the greatest difficulties a mis- 
 sionary in Africa has to encounter is the long distances he 
 must travel in getting from village to village. 
 
 MARGARET (confused, turning several pages). Oh, yes. 
 I got that mixed. That was an article on China that I was 
 reading. But here it is. (Reads.) "Only a small portion 
 of the poor souls hungering for knowledge are able to be 
 reached, on account of the slow and tedious journeys which 
 must be made among the scattered settlements ; also lack of 
 interpreters and a pressing need of Bibles." 
 
 EMMA. Isn't that simply heart-rending? I believe I ought 
 to give up tract work. Margaret, and go with you to Africa 
 to distribute Bibles. 
 
 MARGARET (hurriedly). Oh, no. I can do it alone, all 
 right. Once I get started, it won't take me long. 
 
 FRANCES (enjoying herself). Let your motto be, "A Bible 
 in every heathen home in Africa." 
 
 (MARGARET glares haughtily at her.) 
 
 LAURA (who has been reading an open letter which she 
 has taken from the table drawer, comes dorvn to footstool 
 and sits). Listen to this, girls. Here's something from Miss 
 Montremy's last letter. (Reads.) "The mortality among 
 infants has undoubtedly decreased during the past ten years. 
 But each day sees a score or more of little lives blotted out 
 for lack of a sufficient number of willing and skillful hands." 
 
 EMMA (mournfully). But that is nothing in comparison
 
 16 MEN NOT WANTED 
 
 with my poor fishermen. Just think, girls! Each time the 
 fisherman goes out in his little sailboat may be his last ! And 
 he may drown without having read even one of my my 
 tracts! (Sobs into her handkerchief.) 
 
 FRANCES (hiding a smile). Well, unfortunately I missed 
 the lecture last night, so I'm not as deeply impressed with the 
 world's pressing needs as you girls are. But if there's any- 
 thing I can do to help you and yours, just let me know, and 
 I'll be right there. 
 
 LAURA (severely). There isn't a particle of use trying to 
 make anything worth while out of your life as long as you 
 spend half your time trying to please the other sex. 
 
 FRANCES (apologetically). Yes; that is just what I came 
 in to talk about. It's silly trying to live up to the expectations 
 of a lot of masculine creatures. Half of them don't know 
 what they want, anyhow. So I have decided to give up the 
 society of men. 
 
 HELEN, MARGARET, and LAURA (in concert). Good for 
 you! 
 
 FRANCES. And to tell you how happy I've been this morn- 
 ing, I've just played the first game of my life with 
 
 MARGARET (reprovingly). And just think of the poor 
 Africans who were needing Bibles ; and the tenement babies 
 dying like flies ; and the awful risk the poor fishermen were 
 running at the very moment when you were playing games 
 for your own selfish pleasure ! 
 
 FRANCES (with a shudder). I know; it's awful. But you 
 see, since I didn't hear the lecture, the visions of all those 
 calamities aren't as vivid in my mind as they are in yours. 
 (Turning to LAURA.) By the way, Laura, what on earth 
 have you said or done to Ted Jannin ? I never knew him to 
 act that way before. 
 
 LAURA. What way? 
 
 . FRANCES. Oh, so strange and mopey. He never .men- 
 tioned your name once, and you know he usually talks about 
 you by the hour whenever I'll listen. And he went home 
 right after the second game without saying a word. 
 
 LAURA. I'm not interested in Ted. Listen to this. (She
 
 MEN NOT WANTED 17 
 
 crosses and perches herself on the arm of FRANCES' chair mid 
 reads from her letter in a dismal voice.) "Statistics show 
 that out of the two hundred and ninety-six deaths among 
 infants, reported by health officers, thirty-six were caused 
 by starvation, eighty-two by fever contracted " 
 
 FRANCES (jumping up and clapping her hands over her 
 ears). Oh, dear! I shall certainly go dippy if you read me 
 any more of those woozy statistics. If there isn't anything 
 I can really do for you, I think I shall go out and get a 
 breath of sunshine before the world looks as dark as the 
 poor African's fate ! 
 
 MARGARET (bristling). Well, I 
 
 FRANCES. I beg your pardon, Margaret. I mean as dark 
 as it has been in the past not after you get over there to 
 brighten him up. (Moves toward door, pauses as she passes 
 LAURA.) Oh, I forgot to say, Laura, that about an hour 
 after the game I met Ted walking toward the park with that 
 pretty little Hotchkins girl. I suppose he had to console him- 
 self for your absence. 
 
 LAURA (starting visibly). You don't mean that Teddy 
 was poking around with that silly little baby doll? (With 
 growing irritation.) He needn't think I'll ever step out with 
 him again if he takes her on! 
 
 FRANCES (pretending surprise). Why, I didn't suppose it 
 mattered to you in the least, Laura, what girls he takes out, 
 now that you have thrown yourself so whole heartedly into 
 the cause of the tenement babies. 
 
 LAURA (growing calm and speaking with dignity). You 
 are right. If that poor, silly Hotchkins girl cannot realize 
 how demoralizing the society of men is, when anything really 
 noble and worth while is to be accomplished in the great 
 universe, she is only to be pitied. (With emphasis.) I am 
 thankful, at least, that I have realized it before it is too late. 
 
 Enter GRACE hurriedly at left, carrying a pamphlet and 
 a paper knife. Without apology, she bumps into MARY, 
 who is just going out at left. As she advances to center, she
 
 18 MEN NOT WANTED 
 
 stumbles against chairs, all the while stabbing the pamphlet 
 with the paper knife to accentuate her feelings. 
 
 GRACE. Girls, girls, girls ! What do you think of this ? 
 I have spent the entire morning looking up references, and 
 I find that ninety-seven per cent, of the political offices in 
 this country or is it seventy-nine? I forget which well, 
 anyway, they're held by men ! Did you ever hear of any- 
 thing so perfectly hoggish? They just grab the earth! 
 Won't even let a poor woman be dog-catcher now and then ! 
 And that's the reward we get for being nice to 'em ! 
 (Thumps the table with her fist.} From this day, as long 
 as I live, I am resolved not only to renounce the name of 
 man, but to set my strength, my tongue, my all against the 
 unjust tyranny which the American woman has borne so 
 nobly for so long in silence. I'll teach the women how to 
 use their civic rights ! 
 
 FRANCES (waving her handkerchief in mock enthusiasm}. 
 Whoopee ! Let the eagle scream ! 
 
 LAURA, MARGARET, EMMA, and HELEN (rushing over to 
 GRACE and speaking in confused chorus, as they pat her on 
 the back } . That's the talk ! You've got the right idea. 
 You'll be a whiz as a lecturer, Grace. 
 
 Enter MRS. KELLOGG at right, with an open letter in her 
 
 hand. 
 
 MRS. KELLOGG (smiling cheerily about her}. Well, girls, 
 here is a problem. I just received this letter from Mrs. 
 Winslow a moment ago as I came in, from a special mes- 
 senger. But you must help me decide. Listen. (Reads.) 
 "Dearest Kate : One of my guests has failed me for the tea 
 which I am giving this evening for our new minister and 
 at the eleventh hour ! Do take pity on me and send me in 
 all possible haste one of the sweet rosebuds from -your 
 house party. I never could decide, when standing before a 
 florist window, which was my favorite flower. I leave this 
 weighty matter to you. Only send me some one to go out to 
 supper with Bobby "
 
 MEN NOT WANTED 19 
 
 MARGARET (jumping up excitedly from table}. Bobby! 
 Not Bobby Winslow? 
 
 MRS. KELLOGG (nodding and smiling}. The same dear, 
 handsome old Bobby. Tie came home yesterday, a month 
 before his mother expected him. 
 
 (Instantly all the girls but FRANCES arc on the alert, eager 
 with anticipation.} 
 
 LAURA (rushing to desk and hurriedly collecting her let- 
 ters). Well, I've written and read letters to-day until my 
 head aches* A change will do me good. I'll run right up- 
 stairs and write Mrs. Winslow my acceptance (looks around 
 at the other girls), as I know none of you girls can spare 
 the time. 
 
 MARGARET (with feeling). Time! I don't know what 
 time you have, with statistics showing the babies dying oft" 
 so rapidly every hour. It's different with me. I shall have 
 to wait a long time, anyway, to hear from the Central African 
 Mission. I'll tell Mrs. Winslow how sorry you all are that 
 you can't come 
 
 HELEN (hurriedly shoving her books under the lounge). 
 Pooh ! I can't see an earthly thing in the Plutarch I've read 
 to-day to help me choose a career. Sometimes you get an 
 inspiration where you least expect it. If I went to Mrs. 
 Winslow's. I might get a suggestion from the minister. I'll 
 do it! 
 
 EMMA (springing forward eagerly). Look here, girls; 
 all of you have much too serious missions for you to con- 
 sider for a moment anything so frivolous as going to a tea ! 
 I'm the one to go. It won't hurt those benighted fishermen 
 to go without their tracts twenty-four hours longer, seeing 
 that they've got along without them this long. 
 
 FRANCES (in a gentle voice). I don't want to seem selfish, 
 but since you've accused me of being the only one without 
 a great mission in life, it seems reasonable that I should be 
 the one to go. 
 
 GRACE (suddenly facing FRANCES). What right have you 
 to go, when you haven't given a moment's thought to the
 
 20 MEN NOT WANTED 
 
 worth while in life? In order to resist'the tyranny of men, 
 one must study them on every possible occasion, however 
 painful. I'd hate awfully to seem rude to my guests, but 
 really I feel that it is my duty to go to Mrs. Winslow's myself. 
 
 FRANCES (smiling). You asked me what right I have to 
 go. Well, Grace. I'll tell you. See this? (She holds up her 
 left hand showing an engagement ring. The girls all look 
 astonished and dismayed.) 
 
 MARGARET. Frances, how could you? 
 
 HELEN. It's awful! 
 
 LAURA. But I thought you said 
 
 FRANCES (demurely). Well, you see, last night while the 
 rest of you were getting all filled up with inspiration at the 
 lecture, I I was making the same decision that you did : to 
 give up the society of men and undertake a mission. 
 
 EMMA. But I don't understand 
 
 FRANCES. You will. It's the kind of mission that you 
 find in every new home. Maybe it isn't as noble as the rest 
 of yours giving up the society of men to sort of concentrate 
 on the needs of one man. The one man is Bobby. 
 
 HELEN and LAURA (falling into chairs). Bobby engaged! 
 (Both faint.) 
 
 MARGARET. Oh, this is terrible ! We can't lose our 
 precious Bobby ! (Reels into a chair and faints.) 
 
 GRACE (throwing up her arms). Oh, fickle man! (Suc- 
 cumbs on lounge.) 
 
 EMMA (feebly). Would that I could be wrapped in the 
 cool ocean wave, like some of my poor fishermen, and forget 
 it all ! (Totters to other end of sofa and faints.) 
 
 MRS. KELLOGG (rushing from chairs to sofa). Oh, quick ! 
 Water! They have fainted. Who would have dreamed that 
 the news of Bobby's engagement could prove so crushing? 
 
 FRANCES (sarcastically, grabbing vase from table, 'pulls 
 out flowers and sprinkles each girl generously as she passes). 
 Oh, no! How could that matter to such noble souls? They 
 are only deeply impressed with the perfect uselessness of men. 
 
 CURTAIN
 
 A 000033104 1 
 
 
 Denisons 
 
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 Descriptive 
 
 T.5. DENISON & COMPANY Publishers 
 
 623 South Wabash Ave. 
 
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