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 THE 
 
 FUDGE FAMILY 
 
 IN 
 
 ^iatijS.
 
 T. DAVISON, LOMIJARD-STREET, AVHITEFRIARS, X,OiNJ)()«,
 
 THE 
 
 FUDGE FAMILY 
 
 IN 
 
 Parts. 
 
 EDITED BY 
 
 THOMAS BROWN, THE YOUNGER, 
 
 AUTHOR OF THE TWOPENNY POST-BAG. 
 
 Le Leggi della Maschera richiedono che una persona masche- 
 rata aon sia salutata per nome da uno che la conosce raalgrado il 
 buo travestimento. — CASTIGLIONE. 
 
 EIGHTH EDITION, 
 
 LONDON 
 
 PRINTED FOR LONGMAN, HURST, REBS, ORME, 
 AND BROWN, PATERNOSTER-ROW. 
 
 1818.
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 j X what manner the following Epistles came 
 into my hands, it is not necessary I'or the public 
 to know. It will be seen by Mr. Fudge's Se- 
 cond Letter, that he is one of those gentlemen 
 whose St^citt S'^rviccs in Ireland, under the mild 
 
 ministry of my Lord C gh, have been so 
 
 amply and gratefully remunerated. Like his 
 friend and associate, Thomas Reynolds, Esq. 
 he had retired upon the reward of his honest 
 industry ; but has lately been induced to appear 
 again in active life, and superintend the training of 
 
 c,?
 
 VI 
 
 that Delatorian Cohort, which Lord S — dim — th, 
 in his wisdom and benevolence, has organized. 
 
 Whether Mk. Fudge, himself, has yet made 
 any discoveries, does not appear from the follow- 
 ing pages ; — but much may be ex})ected from a 
 person of his zeal and sagacity, and, indeed, to 
 him, Lord S — dm — th, and the Greenland- 
 bound ships, the eyes of all lovers of dhcoieries 
 are now most anxiously dii'ected. 
 
 I regret that I have been obliged to omit Mil. 
 Bob F(:d(;e's Third Letter, concluding the ad- 
 ventures of his Day with the Dinner, Opera, &c, 
 &c. — but, in conse((uence of some remarks upon 
 Marinette's thin drajjery, which, it was tliought, 
 might give offence to certain well-meaning per- 
 sons, the manuscript was sent back to Paris for
 
 Vll 
 
 his revision, and had not i-eturned when the last 
 sheet was put to press. 
 
 It will not, I hope, be thought presumptuous, 
 if I take this opportunity of eomplaining of a 
 very serious injustice I have suffered from the 
 public. Dii. King wrote a treatise to prove that 
 Bp:xtj.ky " was not the author of his own Ijook," 
 and a similar absurdity has been asserted of me, 
 in almost all the best-informed literary circles. 
 With the name of the real author starino; them 
 in the face, they have yet persisted in attributing 
 mv works to other people; and the fame of the 
 Two})enny Post-Bag — such as it is — having ho- 
 vered doubtfully over various persons, has at last 
 settled u})()n the head of a certain little gentleman, 
 who wears it, I imderstand, as com})lacently as 
 "if it cictually belonged to him ; without even the
 
 VIM 
 
 honesty of avowing, with his own favourite au- 
 thor, (lie will excuse the pun) 
 
 Eyu) 8' 'O Mr2P02 a^as 
 ESrj(ra.fj:>riV iLzrwitw. 
 
 I can only add that if any lady or gentleman, 
 curious in such matters, will take the trouble 
 of calling at my lodgings, 245, Piccadilly, I shall 
 have the honour of assuring them, in propria 
 peraond, that 1 am — his, or her, 
 
 very obedient 
 and very humble servant, 
 
 THOMAS BROWN, THE YOUNGER. 
 
 April \J, 1818.
 
 LETTER I. 
 
 FROM MISS BIDDY FUDGE TO MISS DOROTHY 
 OF CLOXSKILTY, IN IRELAND. 
 
 Amiens. 
 OicAR DoM., while the tails of our horses are 
 plaiting. 
 The trunks tying on, and Papa, at the door, 
 Into very bad French is, as usual, translating 
 His English resolve not to give a sou more, 
 I sit down to write you a line— only think ! — 
 A letter from France, with French pens and French 
 ink.
 
 How delightful ! though^, would you believe it^ iny 
 
 dear ? 
 I have seen nothing yet very wonderful here ; 
 No adventure^ no sentiment, far as we've come. 
 But the corn-fields and trees quite as dull as at 
 
 home 5 
 And hut for the post-boy, his boots and his queue, 
 I might ;m5^ as well be at Clonskilty with you ! 
 In vain, at Desskin's, did I take from my trurric 
 That divine fellow, Sterne, and fall reading " The 
 
 Monk;" 
 In vain did I think of his charming Dead Ass, 
 And remember the crust and the wallet — alas ! 
 No monks can be had now for love or for money^ 
 (All owing. Pa says, to that infidel Boney;) 
 And, though one little Neddy we saw in our drive 
 Out of classical Nampont, the beast was alive !
 
 By the by, though, at Calais, Papa had a touch 
 Of romance on the pier, which afiFected me much. 
 At the sight of that spot, where our darling Dix- 
 
 HUIT 
 
 Set the first of his own dear legitimate feet, * 
 (^^odel^d out so exactly, and — God bless the mark ! 
 "I'is a foot, Dolly, worthy so Grand a Monarque) 
 He exclaimed " Oh mon Roi !" and, with tear-drop- 
 ping eye. 
 Stood to gaze on the spot — while some Jacobin, 
 
 nigh, 
 Mutter'd out with a shrug (what an insolent thing!) 
 " Ma foi, he be right — 'tis de Englishman's King ; 
 A nd dat gros pied de cochon — begar, me vil say 
 Dat de foot look mosh better, if turn'd toder way." 
 
 ' To commemorate the lauding of Louis le Desire from Eug- 
 iund, the impression of his foot is marked out on the pier at Calais, 
 ^.nd a pillar with an inscription raised opposite to the spoi.
 
 There's the pillar^ too — Lord ! 1 had nearly forgot— 
 What a charming idea ! — rais'd close to the spotj 
 The mode being now, (as you've heard, I suppose, ) 
 To build tombs OA'er legs, * and raise pillars to toes. 
 
 This is all that's occurr'd sentimental as yet j 
 Except, indeed, some little ilow'r-nymphs we've met. 
 Who disturb one's romance with pecuniary views, 
 Flinging flow'rs in your patii, and then — bawling for 
 
 sous ! 
 And some picturesque beggars, whose multitudes 
 
 seem 
 'J'o recall the good days of the ancien regime, 
 All as ragged and brisk, you'll be happy to learn. 
 And as thin as they were in the time of dear Sternk. 
 
 Our parky consists, in a neat Calais job. 
 Of Papa and myself, Mr. Connor and Bob. 
 
 * Ci-gil la jauibe de ike. &c.
 
 You remember how sheepish Bob look'd at Kilrandy, 
 But, Lord ! he's quite alter'd — they've made him a 
 
 Dandy ; 
 A thing, you know, whisker'd, great-coated, and 
 
 lac'd, 
 Like an hour-glass, exceedingly small in the waist ; 
 Quite a new sort of creatures, unknown yet to 
 
 scliolars, 
 With heads, so immoveably stuck in sliirt-collars, 
 That seats like our music-stools soon must be found 
 
 them. 
 To twirl, when the creatures may \\ ish to look rouii<i 
 
 them ! 
 In short, dear, " a Dandy" describes what I mean. 
 And Bob's far the best of the <renu^ I've seen : 
 An improving young man, fond of learning, am- 
 bitious, 
 And goes now to Paris to study French dishes,
 
 6 
 
 Whose names — think;, how quick ! — he already knows 
 
 pat, 
 A la braise, petits path, and — what d'ye call that 
 They inflict on potatoes ? — oh ! muitre d' hotel — 
 1 assure you, dear Dolly, he knows them as weU 
 As if nothing but these all his life he had eat. 
 Though a bit of them Bobby has never touch'd yet ; 
 But just knows the names of French dishes and 
 
 cooks. 
 As dear Pa knows the titles of authors and books. 
 
 As to Pa, what d'ye think ? — mind, it's all entre nous. 
 But you know, love, I never keep secrets from you — 
 Why, he's writing a book — what ! a tale ? a romance ? 
 No, ye Gods, would it were! — but his Travels in 
 
 France ; 
 At the special desire (he let out t'other day) 
 Of his friend and his patron, my Lord C — stl-k-gh.
 
 Who said^ "My dear Fudgk " I forget th' 
 
 exact words. 
 And, it's strange, no one ever renaembers my Lord's ; 
 But 'twas something to say that, as all must allow 
 A good orthodox work is much wanting just now, 
 To expound to the world the new — thingummie — 
 
 science, 
 Found out by the — what's-its-name — Holy Alliance, 
 And prove to mankind that their rights are but foUv, 
 Their freedom a joke (which it is, you know, Dolly) 
 " There's none," said his Lordship, " if /may be 
 
 judge. 
 Half so fit for this great undertaking as Fudgk !" 
 
 The matter's soon settled — Pa flies to the Row, 
 {The Jirst stage your tourists now usually go) 
 Settles all for his quarto — advertisements, praises — 
 Starts post from the door, with his tablets — Freiicl> 
 phrases —
 
 " Scorr's Visit," of tourse — in short, ev'ry tiling he 
 
 has 
 An author can want, oxct'pt words and ideas : — 
 An«I, V) ! the lirst tliint;-, in the spring- of the year, 
 Is I'irii.. Ki;|)«;k at the front of a Quarto, my dearf 
 
 Hut, hless uie, my paper's near tmt, so I'd better 
 Draw fiust to a ch)se : — this exceeding long letter 
 You owe to a dtjtunvr a hi Jonrchcttf, 
 Whi(;h lioHiiY ■auii/d have, and is hard at it yet. — 
 What's next ? oh, the tutor, thi" last of the pari\ , 
 Young CoNNOK : — they say lie'ssolike Hon \f AK IK. 
 Mis nose and his chin, — which I'apa rather dreads. 
 As the llonrhons, you know, are sU|)pressing all 
 
 heads 
 That resendjle old N \i''s, and who knows hut their 
 
 honours 
 May think, in their fright, of suppressing pooi 
 
 Connok's ?
 
 9 
 
 An reste, (as we say) the young lad's well enough. 
 Only talks much of Athens, Rome, virtue, and stuff; 
 A third cousin of ours, by the way — poor as Job, 
 
 (Though of royal descent by the side of Mamma) 
 And for charity made j)rivate tutor to Bob — 
 
 Entre tioiis, too, a Papist — how lib'ral of Pa ! 
 
 This is all, dear, — forgive me for breaking off thus ; 
 lint Hob's deje'iners done, and Papa's in a fuss. 
 
 B. F, 
 
 P. S. 
 How provoking of Pa ! he will not let me stop 
 Just to run in and rumm;ige some milliner's shop. 
 And my ilehiit in Paris, I blush to think (tn it. 
 Must now, Doll, be made in a hideous low bonnet 
 But Paris, dear Paris! — oh, there will be jov, 
 Anil romance, and high bonnets, and Madame i.K 
 Roi!* 
 • A celebrated insntna-maker in Pari«.
 
 LEITER II. 
 
 FEOM PHIL. FUDGE, ESQ. TO THE L01ll> 
 VISCOUNT C H. 
 
 Paris. 
 At length, my Lord, I have the bliss 
 To date to you a line from this 
 '' Demoraliz'd" metropolis j 
 Where, by plebeians low and scurvy, 
 The throne was turn'd quite topsy-turvy, 
 And Kingship, tumbled from its seat, 
 " Stood prostrate" at the people's feet. 
 Where (still to use your Lordship's tropes) 
 The level of obedience slopes
 
 11 
 
 Upward and downward, as the stream 
 Of htjdra faction kicks the beam ! * 
 Where the poor palace changes masters 
 
 Quicker than a snake its skin. 
 And Louis is roU'd out on castors, 
 
 While Boney's borne on shoulders in ; 
 But where, in every change, no doubt. 
 
 One special good your Lordship traces, 
 That 'tis the Kings alone turn out. 
 
 The Ministers still keep their places. 
 
 How oft, dear Viscount C gh, 
 
 I've thought of thee upon the way. 
 
 ' This excellent imitation of the noble Lord's style shew? hn\ . 
 deeply Mr. Fudge must have studied his great original. Irisl 
 oratory, indeed, abounds with such startling peculiarities. Tliu' 
 the eloquent Counsellor B— — — , in describing somehypocriticn: 
 pretender to charity, said — " He put his hand in his brcechc'~- 
 po< ket, like a crocodile, and," &c. &c.
 
 12 
 
 As in my job (what place could be 
 More apt to wake a thought of thee ?) 
 Or, oftener far, when gravely sitting 
 Upon my dickey, (as is fitting 
 For him who whites a Tour, that he 
 May more of men and manners see,) 
 I've thought of thee and of thy glories. 
 Thou guest of Kings, and King of Tories ! 
 Reflecting how thy fame has grown 
 
 And spread, beyond man's usual share. 
 At home, abroad, till thou art known, 
 
 Like Major Semplk, every where! 
 And marv'Uing with what pow'rs of breath 
 Your Lordship, having speech' d to death 
 Some hundreds of your fellow-men, 
 Next speech'd to Sovereigns' ears, — imd whei) 
 All Sovereigns elge were doz'd, at last 
 Speech'd down the Sovereign * of Belfast. 
 • 'JTlie title of tlie chief magistrate of Belfast, before 'vhoin liis
 
 13 
 
 Oh ! mid the praises and the trophies 
 Thou gain' St from JNIorosophs and Sophis j 
 Mid all the tributes to thy fame^ 
 
 There's one thou shouldst be chiefly pleas'd at— 
 That Ireland gives her snufF thy name. 
 
 And C gh's the thing now sneez'd at ! 
 
 But hold, my pen ! — a truce to praising — 
 Though ev'n your Lordship will allow 
 
 The theme's temptations are amazing; 
 But time and ink run short, and now, 
 
 (As tJion wouldst say, my guide and teacher 
 In these gay metaphoric fringes,) 
 
 Lordship (with the " stadium iinnianc loquendi" attributed bv 
 Ovid to that chattering and rapacious class of birds, the pies) de- 
 livered sundry long a'.id self-LTatulatory orations, on his return 
 troni the Continent. It was at one of these Irish dinners that his 
 gallant brother, Lord S., proposed the health of " The best ca- 
 valry ofTicer in Europe — the Regent 1"
 
 14 
 
 I must etnbark into the feature 
 
 On which this letter chiefly hinges ; — * 
 My Book, the Book that is to prove — 
 And will, so help ye Sprites above, 
 That sit on clouds, as grave as judges. 
 Watching the labours of the Fudges ! — 
 Will prove that all the Avorld, at present, 
 Is in a state extremely pleasant : 
 That Europe — thanks to royal swords 
 
 And bay'nets, and the Duke commanding — 
 Enjoys a peace which, like the Lord's, 
 
 Passeth all human understanding : 
 That France prefers her go-cart King 
 
 To such a coward scamp as Bonky — 
 Though round, with each a leading-string. 
 
 There standeth many a Royal crony, 
 
 * Verbalim from one of the noble Viscount's S|)eeclies — " And 
 now, Sir, I must enibaik into llio feutinv on which this question 
 chiefly hinges.'
 
 15 
 
 For fear the chubby^ tottering thing 
 
 Should fall, if left there loney-foney : 
 That England, too, the more her debtS;, 
 The more she spends, the richer gets ; 
 And that the Irisli, grateful nation ! 
 
 Remember when by thee reign' d over. 
 And bless thee for their flagellation, 
 
 As Heloisa did her lover!* 
 That Poland, left for Russia's lunch 
 
 Upon the side-board, snug reposes ; 
 While Saxony 's as pleas'd as Punch, 
 
 And Norway " on a bed of roses !'" 
 That, as for some few million souls, 
 
 Transferr'd by contract, bless the clods ! 
 If half were strangled — Spaniards, Poles, 
 
 And Frenchmen — 't wouldn't make mucli udd- 
 
 * See her Letters.
 
 16 
 
 So Europe's goodly Royal ones 
 Sit easy on their sacred thrones ; 
 So Fjsrdinand embroiders gaily. 
 And Louis eats his salmi * daily ; 
 So time is left to Emperor Sandy 
 To be half Ctesar and halfDandy ; 
 
 And G GE the R — G — T (who'd forget 
 
 That doughtiest chieftain of the set ?) 
 Hath wherewithal for trinkets new. 
 
 For dragons, after Chinese models, 
 And chambers where Duke Ho and Soo 
 
 Might come and nine times knock their nod- 
 dles!— 
 All this my Quarto '11 prove — much more 
 Than Quarto ever prov'd before — 
 In reas'ning with the Post I'll vie. 
 My facts the Courier shall supply, 
 
 • 0>|^« Tt, 01", liuai ^iOTgt^Eff (laat'Ktr-;- 
 
 HOMKR OU\SS. n.
 
 17 
 
 My jokes V — ns — t, P — lf. my sense. 
 And thou, sweet Lord, my eloquence ! 
 
 My Journal, penn'd by fits and starts. 
 On Biddy's back or Bobby's shoulder, 
 
 (My son, my Lord, a youth of parts, 
 Who longs to be a small place-holder) 
 
 Is — though / say't, that shouldn't say — 
 
 Extremely good ; and, by the way, 
 
 One extract from it — only one — 
 
 To show its spirit, and I've done. 
 
 '' Jul. thirty-Jirst. — Went, after snack, 
 
 " To the Cathedral of St. Denny j 
 ^' Sigh'd o'er the Kings of ages back, 
 
 ' ' And — gave the old Concierge a penny ! 
 ^' {Mem. — Must see iZAeiW, much fam'd, 'tis sait, 
 "' For making Kings and gingerbread.)
 
 18 
 
 " Was shown the tomb where lay, so stately 
 
 " A little Bourbon, buried lately, 
 
 " Thrice high and puissant, we were told, 
 
 " Though only twenty-four hours old ! * 
 
 " Hear this, thought I, ye Jacobins ; 
 
 *' Ye Burdetts, tremble in your skins ! 
 
 '^' If Royalty, but ag'd a day, 
 
 " Can boast such high and puissant sway, 
 
 " What impious hand its pow'r would fix, 
 
 " Full fledg'd and wigg'df at fifty- six !" 
 
 The argument's quite new, you see, 
 And proves exactly Q. E. D. — 
 
 * So described on the cofliii : " tres liaute et puissante Prjn- 
 cesse, agec d'uii jour." 
 
 f Tlierc is a fulness and breadth in this portrait of Royalty, 
 whicli reminds us of what Pliny says, in speaking of Trajan's 
 ;;rcal qualities; — " uouiic iong^ latcque Priucipem ostenlautr''
 
 19 
 
 So now, with duty to the R — G — T, 
 
 I am, dear Lord, 
 
 Your most obedient, 
 
 P. F. 
 
 Hotel Bretenil, Rue Rivoli. 
 
 Neat lodgings — rather dear for me 5 
 
 But Biddy said she thought 'twould look 
 
 Genteeler thus to date my Book, 
 
 And Biddy's right — besides, it curries 
 
 Some favour with our friends at Murray's, 
 
 Who scorn what any man can say. 
 
 That dates from Rue St. Honore ! * 
 
 * See the Quarterly Review for May, 1816, wliere Mr. Hob- 
 house is accused of having written his book " in a back street oi 
 t!ie French capital."' 
 
 c '2
 
 LETTER III. 
 
 FROM MR. BOB FUDGE TO RICHARD — , ESQ. 
 
 Oh Dick ! you may talk of your writing and reading. 
 Your Logic and Greek, but there's nothing like 
 
 feeding ; 
 And this is the place for it, Dicky, you dog. 
 Of all places on earth — the head quarters of Prog ! 
 Talk of England — her fam'd Magna Charta, I 
 
 swear, is 
 A humbug, a flam, to the Carte* at old Ve'ry's ; 
 
 ♦ The Bill of Fare. — Vcrj', a well-known R<?staurateui .
 
 21 
 
 And as for your Juries — who would not set o'er em; 
 A Jury of Tasters,* with woodcocks before 'em ? 
 Give Cartwright his Parliaments, fresh every 
 
 year — 
 But those friends of short Commons would never do 
 
 here ; 
 And, let Romilly speak as lie will on the question. 
 No Digest of Law's like the laws of digestion ! 
 
 By the by, Dick, /fatten — but n'irnporte for that, 
 Tis the mode — your Legitimates always get fat. 
 There's the R — G — T, there's Louis — and Bonev 
 
 tried too, 
 But, tho' somewhat imperial in paunch, *t wouldn't 
 do: — 
 
 • yir. Bob alludes particularly, I presume, to the famous Jury 
 Degustateur, which used to assemble at the Hotel of M. Grimod 
 dc la Reyniere, and cf which this modern Archestratus has given 
 an account in his Almanach des Gourmands, cinqui^me annee, 
 p. 78.
 
 22 
 
 He improv'dj indeed^ much in this point, when he 
 
 wed. 
 But he ne'er grew right royally fat in the head. 
 
 Dick, Dick, what a place is this Paris ! — but stay — 
 As my raptures may bore you, I'll just sketch a Day, 
 As we pass it, myself and some comrades I've got. 
 All thorough-bred Gnostics, who know what is 
 what. 
 
 After dreaming some hours of the land of Cocaigne,* 
 That Elysium of all that is J rinnd and nice, 
 
 Where for hail they have bon-bons, and claret for 
 rain, 
 And the skaiters in winter show off" on cream-ice ; 
 
 * The fairy-land of cookery and goxirmaiidise ; " Pais, ou le 
 ciel offre les viandes toutes cuites, et oii, comme on parle, les 
 alouettcs tombent toutes roties. Du Latin, coqiiere." — Durhat,
 
 23 
 
 Where so ready all nature its cookery yields, 
 
 Macaroni au pannesan grows in the fields ; 
 
 Little birds fly about with the true pheasant taint, 
 
 And the geese are all born with a liver complaint ! * 
 
 I rise — ^put on neck-cloth — stiff, tight, as can be — 
 
 For a lad who goes into the xvorhl, Dick, like me. 
 
 Should have his neck tied up, you know — there's no 
 
 doubt of it — 
 
 Almost as tight as some lads who go out of it. 
 
 With whiskers well oil'd, and with boots that " hold 
 up 
 
 " The mirror to nature" — so bright you could sup 
 
 • The process by which the liver of the unfortunate goose is 
 enlarged, in ordi r to produce that richest of all dainties, the yi)ie 
 gris, of which such renowned ]>iitf's are made at Strasbourg and 
 Toulouse, is thus described in the (ours Gustronortnque : — " On 
 deplume I'estomac des oies ; on attaclie ensuite ces animaux uux 
 chenets d'une cherainee, et on les nourrit devant le feu. La 
 captivite et la chalcur donnent a ces volatilcs une malad!( hejw- 
 tique, qui fait gonfler leur foil','' ^;c. p. 20(1.
 
 24 
 
 Off the leather like china ; with coat, too, that 
 
 draws 
 On the tailor, who suffers, a martyr's applause ! — 
 With head bridled up, like a four-in-hand leader. 
 And stays — devil's in them — too tight for a feeder, 
 I strut to the old Cafe Hardy, which yet 
 Beats the fiehl at a dejtuner d lajourchette. 
 There, Dick, what a breakfast ! — oh, not like your 
 
 ghost 
 Of a breakfast in England, your curst tea and 
 
 toast ; 
 But a side- board, you dog, where one's eye roves 
 
 about. 
 Like a Turk's in the Haram, and thence singles 
 
 out 
 One's pati of larks, just to tune up the throat. 
 One's small limbs of chickens, done en papillote.
 
 25 
 
 One's erudite cutlets, drest all ways but plain. 
 Or one's kidnies — imagine, Dick — done with cham- 
 pagne ! 
 Then, some glasses of Beaune, to dilute — or, may- 
 hap, 
 Chambertin* which you know's the pet tipple of 
 
 Nap, 
 And which Dad, by the by, that legitimate stickler - 
 Much scruples to taste, but /'m not so partic'lar. — 
 Your coffee comes next, by prescription ; and then, 
 
 Dick, 's 
 The coffee's ne'er-failing and glorious appendix, 
 (If books had but such, my old Grecian, depend 
 
 on't, 
 I'd swallow ev'n W — tk — NS', for sake of the end 
 
 on't) J 
 A neat glass oi par/ait-amoiir , which one sips 
 Just as if bottled velvet f tipp'd over one's lips 1 
 » The t'rtvourite wine of Napoleon. + Febnrs en bouteiUc.
 
 26 
 
 This repast being ended, and paid for — (how odd ! 
 Till a man's us'd to paying, there's something so 
 
 queer in't!) — 
 The sun now well out, and the girls all abroad. 
 And the world enough air'd for us. Nobs, to appear 
 
 in't, 
 We lounge up the Boulevards, where — oh, Dick, 
 
 the phyzzes. 
 The turn-outs, we meet — what a nation of quizzes ! 
 Here toddles along some old figure of fun, 
 With a coat you might date Anno Domini 1 ; 
 A lac'd hat, worsted stockings, and — noble old soul ! 
 A fine ribbon and cross in his best button-hole; 
 Just such as our Pr E, who nor reason nor fun 
 
 dreads. 
 Inflicts, without ev'n a court-martial, on hundreds.* 
 
 • It was said by Wicquefort, more than a hundred years ago, 
 " Le Roi d'Angleterre fait seul jjIus de clievaliers que tous les 
 »utres Roisde la Chretiente ensemble." — What would he say now ?
 
 27 
 
 Here trips a grisettc, with a fond, roguish eye. 
 ( Rather eatable things these grisettes by the by) , 
 And there an old demoiselle, almost as fond. 
 In a silk that has stood since the time of the Fronde. 
 There goes a French Dandy — ah, Dick! unlike some 
 
 ones 
 We've seen about Whitk's — the Mounseers are but 
 
 rum ones ; 
 Such hats ! — fit for monkies — I'd back Mrs. Drapkk 
 To cut neater weather-boards out of brown paper : 
 And coats — how I wish, if it wouldn't distress 'em, 
 They d club for old B — m — l, from Calais, to dres^ 
 
 'em ! 
 The collar sticks out from the neck such a space, 
 That you'd swear 'twas the plan of this head- 
 lopping nation. 
 To leave there behind them a snug little place 
 For the head to drop into, on decapitation !
 
 28 
 
 In short, what with mountebanks, Counts, and 
 
 friseurs, 
 Some mummers by trade, and the rest amateurs— 
 What with captains in new jockey-boots and silk 
 breeches. 
 Old dustmen with swinging great opera-hats. 
 And shoeblacks reclining by statues in niches, 
 There never was seen such a race of Jack Sprats ! 
 
 From the Boulevards — but hearken ! — yes — as I'm 
 
 a sinner. 
 The clock is just striking the half-hour to dinner : 
 So no more at present — short time for adorning — 
 My Day must be finish'd some other fine morning. 
 Now, hey for old Bkauvillikrs' * larder, my boy ! 
 And, once there, if the Goddess of Beauty and Joy 
 Were to write " Come and kiss me, dear Bob !" I'd 
 
 not budge — 
 Not a step, Dick, as sure as my name is 
 
 R. FUDGK. 
 * A celebrated Restaurateur.
 
 LETTER IV. 
 
 VROM PHELIM CONNOR TO 
 
 • return !" — no, never, while the withering hand 
 Of bigot power is on that hapless land ; 
 Wliile, for the faith my fathers held to God, 
 Ev'n in the fields where free those fathers trod, 
 I am proscrib'd, and — like the spot left bare 
 In Israel's halls, to tell the proud and fair 
 Amidst their mirth, that Slavery had been there — " 
 
 • " Tliey use to leave a yard square of the wall of the house 
 unplastered, on which they write, in large letters, either the fore- 
 mentioned verse of the Psalmist (' If I forget thee, O Jerusalem,' 
 6n:.) or the wordi — 'The nicmury of the desolation.'" Leo oj 
 
 Modmc
 
 30 
 
 On all I love, home, parents, friends, 1 trace 
 The mournful mark of bondage and disgrace ! 
 No ! — let them stay, who in their country's pangs 
 See nought but food for factions and harangues ; 
 Who yearly kneel before their masters' doors. 
 And hawk their wrongs, as beggars do their sores : 
 * Still let your * * * * 
 
 Still hope and suffer, all who can ! — but I, 
 Who durst not hope, and cannot bear, must fly. 
 
 But whither ? — every-where the scourge pursues— 
 Turn where he will, the wretched wanderer views. 
 In the bright, broken hopes of all his race. 
 Countless reflections of th' Oppressor's face ! 
 
 ^ I have thought it prudent to omit some parts of Mr. Phelini 
 Connor's letter. He is evidcntl_y an intemperate young man, and 
 tias associated with his cousins, the Fudges, to very little purpose.
 
 31 
 
 Every-where gallant hearts, and spirits true, 
 Are serv'd up victims to the vile and few 3 
 While E ***** *, every-where — the general foe 
 Of Truth and Freedom, wheresoe'er they glow — 
 Is first, when tyrants strike, to aid the blow ! 
 
 Oh, E ****** ! could such poor revenge atone 
 For wrongs, that well might claim the deadliest 
 
 one ; 
 Were it a vengeance, sweet enough to sate 
 The wretch who flies from thy intolerant hate. 
 To hear his curses on such barbarous sway 
 Echoed, where'er he bends his cheerless way 3 — 
 Could this content him, every lip he meets 
 Teems for his vengeance with such poisonous sweets 3 
 Were this his luxury, never is thy name 
 Pronounc'd^ but he doth banquet on thy shame 3
 
 32 
 
 Hears maledictions ring from every side 
 Upon that grasping power, that selfish pride, 
 Which vaunts its own, and scorns all rights be- 
 side ; 
 Thar low and desperate envy, which to blast 
 A neighbour's blessings, risks the few thou hast ; — 
 That monster. Self, too gross to be conceal'd. 
 Which ever lurks behind thy profFer'd shield j — 
 That faithless craft, which, in thy hour of need. 
 Can court the slave, can swear he shall be freed. 
 Yet basely spurns him, when thy point is gain'd> 
 Back to his masters, ready gagg'd and chain'd ! 
 Worthy associate of that band of Kings, 
 That royal, rav'ning flock, whose vampire wings 
 O'er sleeping Europe treacherously brood, 
 And fan her into dreams of promis'd good, 
 Of hope, of freedom — but to drain her blood!
 
 3:i 
 
 If thus to hear thee branded be a bliss 
 
 That Vengeance loves, there's yet more sweet than 
 
 this, — 
 That 'twas an Irish head, an Irish heart. 
 Made thee the fall'n and tarnish'd thing thou art ; 
 That, as the Centaur* gave th' infected vest 
 In which he died, to rack his conqueror's breast, 
 
 We sent thee C gh : — as heaps of dead 
 
 Have slain their slayers by the pest they spread. 
 So hath our land breath'd out — thy fame to dim. 
 Thy strength lo waste, and rot thee, soul and limb — 
 Her worst infections all condens'd in him ! 
 
 When will the world shake off such yokes r oh, when 
 Will that redeeming day shine out on men, 
 
 * Membra et Herculeos toros 
 
 Urit lues Nessea. 
 
 lUe, ille victor vincitiir. 
 
 .<«e?!fc, Herrnl. (Et. 
 
 H
 
 34 
 
 That shall behold them rise, erect and free 
 As Heav'n and Nature meant mankind should be! 
 When Reason shall no longer blindly bow 
 To the vile pagod things, that o'er her brow. 
 Like him of Jaghernaut, drive trampling now ; 
 Nor Conquest dare to desolate God's earth j 
 Nor drunken Victory, with a Nero's mirth. 
 Strike her lewd harp amidst a people's groans 5 — 
 But, built on love, the world's exalted thrones 
 Shall to the virtuous and the wise be given — 
 Those bright, those sole Legitimates of Heaven ! 
 
 When will this be ? — or, oh ! is it, in truth. 
 But one of those sweet, day-break dreams of youth. 
 In which the Soul, as round her morning springs, 
 'Twixt sleep and waking, sees such dazzling things ! 
 And must the hope, as vain as it is bright. 
 Be all giv'n up ? — and are they only right. 
 Who say this world of thinking souls was made 
 To be by Kings partition'd, truck'd, and weigh'd
 
 35 
 
 111 scales that^ ever since the world begun, 
 Have counted millions but as dust to one ? 
 Are they the only wise, who laugh to scorn 
 The rights, the freedom to which man was born ? 
 Who ***** 
 
 ****** 
 
 Who, proud to kiss each separate rod of power. 
 Bless, while he reigns, the minion of the hour ; 
 ^V'orship each would-be God, that o'er them moves. 
 And take the thundering of his brass for Jovb's ! 
 If Oiu be wisdom, then farewell, my books. 
 Farewell, ye shrines of old, ye classic brooks, 
 Which fed my soul with currents, pure and fair. 
 Of living Truth, that now must stagnate there! — 
 Instead of themes that touch the lyre with light, 
 Instead of Greece, and her immortal fight 
 For Liberty, Avhich once awak'd my strings. 
 Welcome the Grand Conspiracy of Kings, 
 
 u 2
 
 S6 
 
 The High Legitimates, the Holy Band, 
 Who, bolder ev'n than He of Sparta's land, 
 Against whole millions, panting to be free. 
 Would guard the pass of right-line tyranny ! 
 Instead of him, th' Athenian bard, whose blade 
 Had stood the onset which his pen pourtray'd. 
 Welcome ***** 
 
 And, 'stead of Arfstides — woe the day 
 
 Such names should mingle ! — welcome C gh ! 
 
 Here break we off, at this unhallow'd name, 
 Like priests of old, when words ill-omen'd came. 
 My next shall tell thee, bitterly shall tell. 
 Thoughts that * * * * 
 
 ****** 
 Thoughts that — could patience hold — 'twere wiser 
 
 far 
 To leave still hid and burning where they are !
 
 LETTER V. 
 
 FROM MISS BIDDY FUDGE TO MISS 
 DOEOTHY . 
 
 ' ' HAT a time since I wrote ! — I'm a sad, naughty 
 
 girl— 
 Though, like a tee-totum, I'm all in a twirl. 
 Yet ev'n (as you wittily say) a tee-totum 
 Between all its twirls gives a letter to note 'em. 
 But, Lord, such a place ! and then, Dolly, my 
 
 dresses, 
 My gowns, so divine ! — there's no language ex- 
 presses.
 
 38 
 
 Except just the two words " superbe," " magnifique," 
 The trimmings of that which I had home last week! 
 It is call'd — I forget — a la — something which 
 
 sounded 
 Like alicampane — but^, in truth, I'm confounded 
 And bother'd, my dear, 'twixt that troublesome boy's 
 (Bob's) cookery language, and Madame lk Roi's : 
 What with fillets of roses, and fillets of veal. 
 Things garni with lace, and things garni with eel. 
 One's hair and one's cutlets both e?i papillate, 
 And athoiisand more things 1 shall ne'er have by rote, 
 I can scarce tell the diff' rence, at least as to phrase^, 
 Between beef a la Psyche and curls h la braise. — 
 But, in short, dear, I'm trick'd out quite ^ la 
 
 Frangaise, 
 With my bonnet — so beautiful ! — high up and 
 
 poking. 
 Like things that are put to keep chimnies from 
 
 smoking.
 
 Where shall 1 begin with the endless delights 
 Of this Eden of milliners, monkies, and sights — 
 This dear busy place, where there's nothing trans- 
 acting 
 But dressing and dinnering, dancing and acting ? 
 
 Imprimis, the Opera — mercy, my ears ! 
 
 Brother Bobby's remark, t'other night, was a 
 
 true one 3 — 
 " This must be the music," said he, "of the 
 
 spears, 
 For I'm curst if each note of it doesn't run 
 
 through one ! " 
 Pa says (and you know, love^, his Book's to make 
 
 out 
 'Twas the Jacobins brought every mischief about) 
 That this passion for roaring has come in of late. 
 Since the rabble all tried for a voice in the State. —
 
 40 
 
 What a frightful idea, one's mind to o'erwhelm ! 
 What a chorus, dear Dolly, would soon be let 
 loose of it. 
 If, when of age, every man in the realm 
 
 Had a voice like old Lais,* and chose to make 
 use of it ! 
 No — never was known in this riotous sphere 
 Such a breach of the peace as their singing, my 
 
 dear. 
 So bad too, you'd swear that the God of both arts. 
 
 Of Music and Physic, had taken a frolic 
 For setting a loud fit of asthnm in parts. 
 
 And composing a line rumbling base to a cholic ! 
 
 But, the dancing — ah parlez-moi, Dolly, de ga — 
 There, indeed, is a treat that charms all but Papa. 
 
 * The oldest, most celebrated, and most noisy of the singers at 
 the French Opera.
 
 41 
 
 Such beauty — such grace — oh ye sylphs of romance ! 
 
 Fly, fly to Titan I A, and ask her if she has 
 One light-footed nymph in her train, that can 
 dance 
 
 Like divine Bigotiim and sweet Fanny Bias ! 
 Fanny Bias in Flora — dear creature ! — you'd swear. 
 
 When her delicate feet in the dance twinkle round, 
 That her steps are of light, that her home is 
 the air. 
 
 And she only par complaisance touches, the ground. 
 And when Bigoitini in Psyche dishevels 
 
 Her black flowing hair_, and by daemons is driven. 
 Oh I who does not envy those rude little devils. 
 
 That hold her and hug her, and keep her from 
 heaven ? 
 Then, the music — so softly its cadences die. 
 So divinely — oh, Dolly! between you and I, 
 It's as well for my peace that there's nobody uiuh
 
 42 
 
 To make love to me then — you've a soul, and can 
 
 judge 
 What a crisis 'twould be for your friend Biddy 
 
 Fudge ! 
 
 The next place (which Bobby has near lost his heart 
 
 in) 
 They call it the Play-house — I think — of St. Martin ; * 
 Quite charming — and very religious — what folly 
 To say that the French are not pious, dear Dolly, 
 When here one beholds, so correctly and rightly, 
 The Testament turn'd into melo-drames nightly ; 
 And, doubtless, so fond they're of scriptural facts. 
 They will soon get the Pentateuch up in five acts. 
 
 * The Theatre de la Porte St. Martin, which was built when 
 the Opera Hoii'*e in the Palais Royal was burned down, in 1 78 1 . — A 
 few days afttT this dreadful fire, which lasted more than a week, 
 and in which several persons perished, the Parisian 4ligantcs dis- 
 played flame-coloured dresses, "couleur de feu d'Opera!" — J)u- 
 laure, Curiositis de Paris,
 
 4.3 
 
 Here Daniel, in pantomime,* bids bold detiance 
 To Nebuchadnezzar and all his stufF'd lions. 
 While pretty young Israelites dance round the 
 
 Prophet, 
 In very thin clothing, and but little of it 5 — 
 Here Beg RAND, f who shines in this scriptural path. 
 
 As the lovely Susanna, without ev'n a relic 
 Of drapery round her, comes out of the bath 
 
 In a manner that. Bob says, is quite Eve-angelic / 
 
 But in short, dear, 'twould take me a month to recite 
 All the exquisite places we're at, day and night ; 
 
 • A piece very popular last year, called "Daniel, ou La Fosse 
 aux Lions.'' Tlie following scene will give an idea of the daring 
 sublimity of these scriptural pantomimes. " Scene 20. — La four- 
 naise devieut un berceau de nuages azures, au fund duquel est un 
 grouppe de nuai;e5 plus luniineux, et au milieu ' Jehovah' au centre 
 d'un cercle de rayons brillans, qui annonce la presence de I'E'ter- 
 nel." 
 
 f Madame Begrand, a finely' formed woma)i, who acts in " Su- 
 sanna and the Elders,"— " L'.^mour et la Folic," &c. &cc.
 
 44 
 
 And, besides, ere I finish, 1 think you'll be glad 
 Just to hear one delightful adventure I've had. 
 
 Last night, at the Beaujon, * a place where — I 
 
 doubt 
 If I well can describe — there are cars, that set out 
 From a lighted pavilion, high up in the air. 
 And rattle you down, Doll, — you hardly know 
 
 where. 
 These vehicles, mind me, in which you go through 
 This delightfully dangerous journey, hold tjoo. 
 Some cavalier asks, with humility, whether 
 
 You'll venture down with him — you smile — 'tis a 
 
 match ; 
 
 * The Promenades Aeriennes, or French Mountains. — See a 
 description of this singular and fantastic place of amusement in 
 a pamphlet, truly worthy of it, by " F. F. Cotterei, Medecin, 
 Docteur de la Faculte de Paris," &c. &c.
 
 45 
 
 In an instant you're seated, and down both together 
 
 Go thund'ring, as if you went post to old Scratch !* 
 
 Well, it was but last night, as I stood and remark'd 
 
 On the looks and odd ways of the girls who 
 
 embark'd. 
 The impatience of some for the perilous flight. 
 The fore'd giggle of others, 'twixt pleasure and 
 
 fright,— 
 That there came up — imagine, dear Doll, if you 
 
 can — 
 A fine sallow, sublime, sort of Werter-fac'd man, 
 With mustachios that gave (what we read of so 
 
 oft) 
 The dear Corsair expression, half savage, half soft. 
 As Hyaenas in love may be fancied to look, or 
 A something between Abklard and old BLUcriKR! 
 
 'According to Dr. Cotlerel the cars go at the rate ul' fbr!_\- 
 t'itrht miles un hour.
 
 46 
 
 Up he came, Doll, to me, and, uncovering his 
 
 head, 
 (Rather bald, but so warlike !) in bad English said, 
 " Ah ! my dear — if Ma'mselle vil be so very good — 
 Just for von littel course" — though I scarce under- 
 stood 
 What he wish'd me to do, I said, thank him, I 
 
 would. 
 Off we set — and, though 'faith, dear, I hardly knew 
 whether 
 My head or my heels were the uppermost then. 
 For 'twas like heav'n and earth, Dolly, coming 
 together, — 
 Yet, spite of the danger, we dar'd it again. 
 And oh ! as I gaz'd on the features and air 
 
 Of the man, who for me all this peril defied, 
 I could fancy almost he and I were a pair 
 
 Of unhappy young lovers, who thus, side by side.
 
 47 
 
 Were taking, instead of rope, pistol, or dagger, a 
 Desperate dash down the Falls of Niagara ! 
 
 This achiev'd, through the gardens* we saunter'd 
 about. 
 Saw the fire-works, exclaim'd "magnifique!" at 
 each cracker. 
 And, when 'twas all o'er, the dear man saw us out 
 With the air, I xjoill say, of a Prince, to ouTjiacre. 
 
 Now, hear me — this Stranger — it may be mere 
 
 folly— 
 But who do you think we all think it is, Dolly ? 
 
 • In the Cate attachjed to these gardens there are to be (a-> 
 Doctor Cotterel informs us)"douze negres, tres-alcrtes, qui con- 
 trasteront par I'ebene de leur peau avcc le teint de lis et d<' rose.' 
 de nos belle*:. Les glaces et Ics sorbets, servis par unc main bieii 
 noire, fera davKutiige ressortir I'albatre des bras arrondis de i-ejlrs 
 ci,'-P. 22.
 
 48 
 
 Why, bless you, no less than the great King of 
 
 Prussia, 
 Who's here now incog.* — he, who made such a 
 
 fuss, you 
 Remember, in London, withBLUCHER and Platoff, 
 When Sal was near kissing old Butcher's cravat off! 
 Pa says he's come here to look after his money, 
 (Not taking things now as he us'd under Boney) 
 Which suits with our friend, for Bob saw him, he 
 
 swore. 
 Looking sharp to the silver receiv'd at the door. 
 Besides, too, they say that his grief for his Queen 
 (Which was plain in this sweet fellow's face to be 
 
 seen) 
 Requires such a stimulant dose as this car is, 
 Us'd three times a day with young ladies in Paris. 
 
 * His Majesty, who was at Park under the travelling name of 
 Count Ruppin, is known to have gone ckjwn the Beaujon very 
 frequently.
 
 49 
 
 Some Doctor, indeed, has declar'd that such grief 
 Should — unless 'twoukl to utter despairing its 
 folly push- 
 Fly to the Beaujon, and thcie seek relief 
 
 By rattling, as B.^u says, "like shot through a 
 holly-bush." 
 
 I must now hid adieu — only think, Dollv, think 
 If this tthould be the King — I ha\e scarce slept a 
 
 w ink 
 W'itii imagining how it will sound in the papers, 
 .And iiow all the Misses my good luck will 
 
 grudge. 
 When they read that Count RuPlMN, to dri\e away 
 
 vapours, 
 Has gone d(nvn the Beaujon with Miss BiDUV 
 
 Flog I-;.
 
 50 
 
 Notn Bene. — Papa's almost certain 'tis he — 
 For he knows the Legitimate cut^ and could see. 
 In the way he went poising and manag'd to tower 
 So erect in the car^ the true Balance of Pouer.
 
 LETTER VI. 
 
 FROM PiriL. FUDGE, ESQ. TO HIS BROTHER TIM. 
 FUDGE, ESQ. BARRISTER AT LAW. 
 
 I OURS of the 12th receiv'd just now — 
 
 Thanks for the hint, my trusty brother ! 
 'Tis truly ])lcasing to see how 
 
 We, Fudges, stand by one another. 
 But never fear — I know my chap. 
 And he knows me too — verbum sap. 
 My Lord and I are kindred spirits. 
 Like in our ways as two young ferrets ; 
 
 E 2
 
 52 
 
 Both fashion'd, as that supple race is. 
 To twist into all sorts of places ;— 
 Creatures lengthy; lean, and hungering. 
 Fond of lilood and Z»?^rr6»u;-mongering. 
 
 zA.s to my Book in 91j 
 
 Call'd " Down with Kings, or. Who'd have 
 thought it r" 
 Bless you, the Book's long dead and gone, — 
 
 Not ev'n th' Attorney-General bought it. 
 And, though some few seditious tricks 
 1 play'd in Q5 and 6, 
 As you remind me in } our letter, 
 His Lordship likes me all the better j — 
 We, proselytes, that come with news full. 
 Are, as he says, so vastly useful ! 
 
 Rkynolds and I — (you know Tom Reynolds — 
 Drinks his claret, keeps liis chaise —
 
 53 
 
 Lucky the dog that first unkennels 
 Traitors and Luddites now-a-days ; 
 
 Or who can help to bag a few. 
 
 When S — i) TH wants a death or two;) 
 
 Reynolds and I, and some few more. 
 All men, like us, of infornuition. 
 
 Friends, whom his Lordship keeps in store. 
 As ?///c/er-saviours of the nation — * 
 
 PLave form'd a Club this season, where 
 
 His Lordship sometimes takes the chair, 
 
 And gives us many a bright oration 
 
 In praise of our sublime vocation ; 
 
 Tracing it up to great King MiDAS, 
 
 Who, though in fable typified as 
 
 A royal A^s, by grace divine 
 
 And right of ears, most asinine, 
 
 * Lord C.'s tribute to the character of his friend, Mr, Reyuolds, 
 .ill long be remembered ■with equal credit to bolli.
 
 54 
 
 Was yet no more, in fact historical;, 
 Than an exceeding Avell-bred tyrant ; 
 
 And these, his ears, but allegorical, 
 
 Meaning Informers, kept at high rent — * 
 
 Gem'men, who touch'd the Treasury glisteners> 
 
 Like us, for being trusty listeners ; 
 
 And picking up each tale and fragment. 
 
 For royal Midas's green bag meant. 
 
 " And wherefore,'' said this best of Peers, 
 
 " Should not the R — G — T too have ears,f 
 
 * This interpretation of the fable of Midas's ears seems tlie 
 most probable of any, and is thus stated in Hoffmann :— " Hac 
 allegoria significatum, Midam, utpote t^'raniium, snbauscultatores 
 dimittere solitum, per quos, quKcuiique per oninem regionem vel 
 fiercnt, vel diccrcntur, cognosccret, nimiruniillis utcns aurium vice." 
 
 f Brossette, in a note on this line of I'loiJcau, 
 
 " jMidas, le lloi Midas a des oreillcs d'Ane," 
 
 tells us, tliat " M. Perrault le Medecin voulut faire a notre auteur 
 lin crime d'etat do ce vers, conime d'une raaligne allusion au
 
 55 
 
 *' To reach as far, as long and wide as 
 '' Those of his model, good King Midas ?" 
 This speech was tliought extremely good. 
 And (rare for him) was understood — 
 Instant we drank " Tlie 11 — g — r's Ears/' 
 With three times three illustrious cheers. 
 
 That made the room resound like tiiunder — 
 " The 11 — G — t's Ears, and may he ne'er 
 " From foolish shame, like Midas, wear 
 
 " Old paltry uvVs to keep them under !" * 
 This touch at our old friends, the Whigs, 
 Made us as merry all as grigs. 
 
 hoi." I trust, however, that no one will suspect the line in the 
 text of any such indecorous allusion. 
 
 * It was not under wigs, but tiaras, that King Midas endea- 
 voured to conceal these appendages : 
 
 Tempora purpureis tentat velare tiaris. 
 
 OvfD. 
 I'he Noble Giver of the toast, however, bad evidently, with his
 
 In short, (I'll thank you not to mention 
 
 These things again) we get on gaily j 
 And, thanks to pension and Suspension, 
 
 Our little Club increases daily. 
 Casti.es, and Olivkr, and such, 
 Who don't as yet full salary touch. 
 Nor keep their chaise and pair, nor buy 
 Houses and lands, like Tom and I, 
 Of course don't rank with us, salvalors, * 
 But merely serve the Club as waiters. 
 Like Knights, too, we've our collar days, 
 (For us, 1 ow'n, an awkward phrase) 
 When, in our new costume ack)rn'd, — 
 The R — G — t's bufF-and-blue coats turtid — 
 
 usual clearness, coiilouuded King jMidas, Mr. Listen, and the 
 
 P e E,— g — t togctiier. 
 
 • Mr. Fudge and liis friends should go by this name — as the 
 man who, some years since, saved the late Iliglit Hon. George 
 Rose from drowning, was ever after called Salvatnr Rosa.
 
 o/ 
 
 \\'e have the honour to give dinners 
 
 To the cluef Kilts in upper stations j * 
 Your \\ vs, \ — N> — halt'-fledg'd sinners, 
 
 Wlio slianie us by their imitations ; 
 ^\'ho turn, 'tis true — h\ii what of that ? 
 Give nie the u^t'i'ul peachmg Rat ; 
 Xot tliiiigs as mute as Puncii, when bouerht, 
 \Miosl' wooden heads are all tiiey've brought ; 
 \\'ho, false enough to shirk their friends, 
 
 But tor> faint-hearted to Ijetray, 
 Are, after all their twists ansi ijends. 
 
 But souls in Limbo, damn'd half way. 
 Xo, no, — we nobler vermin are 
 A genus useful as we're rare ; 
 'Midst all tiie things miraculous 
 
 Of which your natural histories brag, 
 
 * This iiitiiiKicy between the Hats and Tnfurniers U juit u^ it 
 louhl be — " ver6 dulce so;laUliuui."
 
 58 
 
 The rarest must be Rats like us, 
 
 "Who let the cat out of the hag. 
 Yet still these Tyros in the cause 
 Deserve, I own, no small applause ; 
 And they're by us receiv'd and treated 
 With all due honours — only seated 
 In th' inverse scale of their reward. 
 The ixicr ely Jiroviis'd next my Lord ; 
 Small j)ensions then, and so on, down. 
 
 Rat after rat, they graduate 
 Through job, red ribbon, and silk gown. 
 
 To Chanc'llorship and Marquisate. 
 This serves to nurse the ratting spirit ; 
 The less the bribe the more the merit. 
 
 Our music's good, you may be sure ; 
 
 My Lord, you know, 's an amateur — * 
 
 * His Loriisliip, (iuring one of the busiest periods of his Mi- 
 nisterial career, took lessons three times a week from a celebrated 
 luusic-master, in glee-singing.
 
 59 
 
 Takes every part with perfect ease, 
 
 Though to the Base by nature suited^ 
 And, form'd for all, as best may please. 
 For whips and bolts, or chords and keys. 
 Turns from his victims to his glees. 
 
 And has them both well executed. 
 H T D, who, tho' no Rat himself. 
 
 Delights in all such liberal arts. 
 Drinks largely to the House of Guelph, 
 
 And superintends the Corni parts. 
 While C — NN — G,* who'd h&first by choice, 
 Consents to take an under voice; 
 
 ♦This Riglit Hon. Gentleman ought to give up his present 
 alliance with Lord C, if >ipon no other princi[)le than that which 
 is inculcated in tiie following arrangement between two Ladies of 
 Fashion : 
 
 Says (^larinda, " though tears it may cost, 
 
 " It is time we should part, my dear Sue; 
 •' For your character's totally lost, 
 " And I have not suflicient for fwo.'"
 
 60 
 
 And G S,* who well that signal knows, 
 
 Watches the J'o/ti St/bitos.f 
 
 In short, as I've already hinted, 
 
 We take, of late, prodigiously ; 
 But as our Club is somewhat stinted 
 
 For Geiitlenien, like Tom and me. 
 We'll take it kind if you'll provide 
 A few Squireens X from t'other side j — 
 Some of those loyal, cunning elves, 
 
 (We often tell the tale with laughter) 
 W^ho us'd to hide the pikes themselves. 
 
 Then hang the fools who found tliem after. 
 I doubt not you couhl find us, too, 
 Some Orange Parsons that would doj 
 
 * The raiVidiiy of this Noble Lord's transtorniation, at the same 
 instant, iiiln a Luid ol'ihc Bt'd-chainber and an opponent of the 
 Cathohc Chiiuis, was trulv miraculous. 
 
 \ Turn insUmtbj — a freqiii nt direction in nujsic-books. 
 
 ^ The Irish diiuinulivc of Squire.
 
 61 
 
 Among the rest, we've heard of one. 
 The Reverend — something — Hamilton, 
 Who stuif'd a Hgure of himself 
 
 (Delicious thought !) and had it shot at. 
 To bring some Papists to the shelf. 
 
 That couldn't otlierwise be got at — 
 If /;e"ll but join tli' Association, 
 We'll vote him in by acclamation. 
 
 And now, my brother, guide, and friend. 
 This somewhat tedious scrawl must end. 
 I've gone into this long detail, 
 
 Because I saw your nerves were shaken 
 With anxious fears lest I should fail 
 
 In tliis new, loyal, course I've taken. 
 But, bless your heart ! you need not doubt- 
 We, Fin;.Ks, know what we're about. 
 Look round, and say if vou can see 
 A much more thriving family.
 
 62 
 
 There's Jack, the Doctor — night and day 
 
 Hundreds of patients so besiege him^ 
 You'd swear that all the rich and gay 
 
 Fell sick on purpose to oblige him. 
 And while they think., the precious ninnies. 
 
 He's counting o'er their pulse so steady. 
 The rogue but counts how many guineas 
 
 He's fobb'd, for that day's work, already. 
 I'll ne'er forget th' old maid's alarm, 
 
 When, feeling thus Miss Sukey Flirt, lie 
 Said, as he dropp'd her shrivell'd arm, 
 
 "■ Damn'd bad this morning — only thirty!' 
 
 Your dowagers, too, every one, 
 
 So gen'rous are, when they call him in, 
 
 That he might now retire upon 
 
 The rheumatisms of three old women. 
 
 Then, whatsoe'er your ailments are. 
 He can so learnedly explain ye 'em —
 
 63 
 
 Your cold^ of course, is a catarrh, 
 
 Your head-ach is a hemi-cranium : — 
 His skill, too, in young ladies' lungs, 
 
 The grace with which, most mild of men. 
 He begs them to put out their tongues, 
 
 Then bids them — put them in again ! 
 In siiort, tlieie's nothing now like Jack ; — 
 
 Take all vour doctors, great and small, 
 Of present times and ages back. 
 
 Dear Doctor Fldgk is worth them all. 
 
 So much for physic — then, in law too. 
 Counsellor Tim ! to thee we bowj 
 
 Not one of us gives more eclat to 
 
 Th' immortal name of FL'ixvE than thou. 
 
 Not to expatiate on the art 
 
 With which you play'd the patriot's part. 
 
 Till something good and snug should offer ;,- 
 Like one, who, by the way he acts
 
 64 
 
 Th' enlightening part of candle-snufFer, 
 
 The manager's keen eye attracts. 
 And is promoted thence by him 
 To strut in robes, like thee, my Tim ! — 
 Who shall describe thy pow'rs of face, 
 Thy well-fee'd zeal in every case, 
 Or wrong or right — but ten times waimer 
 (As suits thy calling) in the former — 
 Thy glorious, lawyer-like delight 
 In puzzling all that's clear and right. 
 Which, though conspicuous in thy youth, 
 
 Im])roves so with a wig and band on, 
 That all thy pride's to way-lay Truth, 
 
 And leave her not a leg to stand on. — 
 Thy patent, prime, morality, — 
 
 Thy cases, cited from the Bible — 
 Thy candour, when it falls to thee 
 
 To hel]) in trouncing for a libel ; —
 
 65 
 
 " God knows, I, from my soul, profess 
 
 " To hate all bigots and benighters ! 
 " God knows, I love, to ev'n excess. 
 " The sacred Freedom of the Press, 
 
 '' My only aim's to — crush the writers," 
 These are the virtues, Tiai. that draw 
 
 The briefs into thy bag so fast ; 
 And these, oh Tim — if Law be Law — 
 
 Will raise thee to the Bench at last. 
 
 I blush to see this letter's length, — 
 
 But 'twas my wish to prove to thee 
 How full of hope, and wealth, and strength. 
 
 Are all our precious family. 
 And, should affairs go on as pleasant 
 As, thank the Fates, they do at present — 
 Should we but still enjoy the sway
 
 66 
 
 Of S — DM — H and of C gh, 
 
 I hope, ere long, to see the day 
 
 When England's wisest statesmen, judges. 
 
 Lawyers, peers, will all be — Fudges ! 
 
 Good bye — my paper's out so nearly, 
 I've only room for 
 
 Yours sincerely.
 
 LETTER VII. 
 
 FROM PHELIM CONNOR TO 
 
 Hefork we sketch the Present — let us cast 
 A feWj short J rapid glances to the Past. 
 
 When he, who had defied all Europe's strength^ 
 Beneath his own weak rashness sunk at length ; — 
 When, loos'd^ as if by magic, from a chain 
 Tliat seem'd like Fate's^, the world was free again. 
 And Europe saw^, rejoicing in the sight, 
 The cause of Kings,ybr once, the cause of Right j — 
 
 F 2
 
 68 
 
 Then was, indeed,, an hour of joy to tliose 
 Who sigh'd for justice — liberty — repose. 
 And hop'd the fall of one great vulture's nest 
 Would ring its warning round, and scare the rest. 
 And all was bright with promise ; — Kings began 
 To own a sympathy with suffering Man, 
 And ]\Ian was grateful — Patriots of the South 
 Caught wisdom from a Cossack Emperor's mouth. 
 And heard, like accents thaw'd in Northern air, 
 Unwonted words of freedom burst forth there ! 
 
 Who did not hope, in that triumphant time. 
 When monarchs, after years of spoil and crime, 
 Met round the shrine of Peace, and Heav'n look'd 
 
 on. 
 Who did not hope the lust of spoil was gone ; — 
 That that rapacious spirit, which had jilay'd 
 The game of Pilnitz o'er so oft, Avas laid,
 
 69 
 
 And Europe's Rulers, conscious of the past. 
 Would blush, and deviate into right at last ? 
 But no — the hearts, that nurs'd a hope so fair. 
 Had yet to learn what men on thrones can dare j 
 Had yet to know, of all earth's ravening things. 
 The only quite untanieable are Kings ! 
 Scarce had they met when, to its nature true, 
 The instinct of their race broke out anew ; 
 Promises, treaties, charters, all were vain. 
 And "Rapine ! — rapine!'' was the cry again. 
 How quick they carv'd their victims, and how well, 
 Let Saxony, let injur'd Genoa tell, — 
 Let all the human stock that, day by day. 
 Was at that Royal slave-mart truck'd' away, — 
 The million souls that, in the face of heaven. 
 Were split to fractions,* barter'd, sold, or given 
 
 * " Whilst the Congress was re-constructing Europe — not ac- 
 cording to rights, luitura! affiiiiices, language, habits, or lawb; but
 
 fo 
 
 To swell some despot Power, too huge before. 
 And weigh down Europe with one Mammoth more ! 
 How safe the faith of Kings let France decide ; — 
 Her charter broken, ere its ink had dried, — 
 Her Press enthrall'd — her Reason mock'd again 
 With all the monkery it had spurn'd in vain — 
 Her crown disgrac'd by one, who dar'd to own 
 He thank'd not France but England for his throne — 
 Her triumphs cast into the shade by those. 
 Who had grown old among her bitterest foes. 
 And now return'd, beneath her conquerors' shields. 
 Unblushing slaves ! to claim her heroes' fields. 
 To tread down every trophy of her fame. 
 And curse that glory which to them was shame !— ^ 
 
 by tables of finance, whicb diviried ;;ik1 subdivided lier population 
 into souls, demi-souls, and even froctionsj according to a scale of 
 the direct duties or taxes, which could be levied by the acquiring 
 9tate,"&c. — Sketch of the Military and Political Power of Russia. 
 The words on the protocol are amts, dtmv-ames, &c.
 
 71 
 
 Let these — let all the damning deeds, that then. 
 Were dar'd through Europe, cry aloud to men, 
 With voice like that of crashing ice that rings 
 Round Alpine huts, the perfidy of Kings ; 
 And tell the world, when hawks shall harmless bear 
 The shrinking dove, when wolves shall learn to 
 
 spare 
 The helpless victim for whose blood they lusted, 
 Then, and then only, monarehs may be trusted ! 
 
 It could not last — these horrors co^ild not last — 
 France would herself have ris'n, in might, to cast 
 Th' insulters off — and oh ! that then, as now, 
 Chain'd to some distant islet's rocky brow, 
 Napolkon ne'er had come to force, to blight, 
 Ere half matur'd, a cause so proudly bright ; — 
 To palsy patriot hearts with doubt and shame, 
 And write on Freedom's flag a despot's name ; —
 
 72 
 
 To rush into the lists, unask'd, alone. 
 
 And make the stake of all the game of one ! 
 
 Then would the world have seen again what power 
 
 A people can put forth in Freedom's hour ; 
 
 Then would the fire of France once more have 
 
 blaz'd ; — 
 For every single sword, reluctant rais'd 
 In the stale cause of an oppressive throne. 
 Millions would then have leap'd forth in her own ; 
 And never, never had th' unholy stain 
 Of Bourbon feet disgrac'd her shores again ! 
 
 But fate decreed not so — th' Imperial Bird, 
 That, in his neighbouring cage, unfear'd, imstirr'd. 
 Had seem'd to sleep with head beneath his wing, 
 Yet watch'd the moment for a daring spring ; — 
 Well might he watch, when deeds were done, that 
 
 made 
 His own transgressions whiten in their shade ;
 
 73 
 
 Well might he hope a world, thus trampled o'er 
 By clumsy tyrants, would be his once more : — 
 Forth from its cage that eagle burst to light. 
 From steeple on to steeple* wing'd its flight, 
 With calm and easy graodeur, to that throne 
 From which a Royal craven just had flown; 
 And resting there, as in its aerie, furl'd 
 Those wings, whose very rustling shook the world! 
 
 What was your fury then, ye crown'd array. 
 
 Whose feast of spoil, whose plundering holiday 
 
 Was thus broke up, in all its greedy mirth. 
 
 By one bold chieftain's stamp on Gallic earth ! 
 
 Fierce was the cry, and fulminant the ban, — 
 
 " Assassinate, who will — enchain, who can, 
 
 " The vile, the faithless, outlaw'd, low-born man!" 
 
 ^ *' L'aigle volera de clocher en cloclier, jusqu'aux tours Af. 
 Nutre-Danic.'' — Napoleon's Proclamalioo on landing fruni Elba
 
 74 
 
 " Faithless!'* — and this from you — from you, for- 
 
 soothj 
 Ye pious Kings, pure paragons of truth, 
 Whose honesty all knew, for all had tried 3 
 Whose true Swiss zeal had serv'd on every side ; 
 Whose fame for breaking faith so long was known. 
 Well might ye claim the craft as all your own. 
 And lash your lordly tails, and fume to see 
 Such low-born apes of Royal perfidy ! 
 Yes — yes — to you alone did it belong 
 To sin for ever, and yet ne'er do wrong — 
 The frauds, the lies of Lords legitimate 
 Are but fine policy, deep strokes of state j 
 But let some upstart dare to soar so high 
 In Kingly craft, and " outlaw'' is the cry! 
 What, though long years of mutiial treachery 
 Had peopled full your diplomatic shelves 
 With ghosts of treaties, murder'd 'mong yourselves ;
 
 75 
 
 Though each by turns was knave and dupe — what 
 
 then? 
 A Holy League would set all straight again ; 
 Like Juno's virtue, which a dip or two 
 In some bless'd fountain made as good as new !* 
 Most faithful Russia — faithful to whoe'er 
 Could plunder best, and give him amplest share ; 
 Who, ev'n when vanquish'd, sure to gain his ends. 
 For want oi'Jbes to rob, made free v/ith friends, f 
 And, deepening still by amiable gradations. 
 When foes were stript of all, then fleec'd relations ! X 
 Most mild and saintly Prussia — steep'd to th' ears 
 ]n persecuted Poland's blood and tears, 
 
 * Singulis annis in quudam Atticae fonte lota virginitatcni recn- 
 perasse lingitur. 
 
 t At the Peace of Tilsit, where he abandoned his ally. Pniisia, 
 to France, and received a portion of her territory. 
 
 \ The seizure of Finland from his relative of Sweden.
 
 76 
 
 And now, with all her harpy wings outspread 
 O'er sever'd Saxony's devoted head ! 
 Pure Austria too — whose hist'ry nought repeats 
 But broken leagues and subsidiz'd defeats j 
 Whose faith, as Prince, extinguish'd Venice shows, 
 Whose faith, as man, a widow'd daughter knows ! 
 And thou, ol\ England — who, though once as shy 
 As cloister'd maids, of shame or perfidy. 
 
 Art now broke in, and, thanks to C GH, 
 
 In all that's worst and falsest lead'st the way ! 
 
 Such was the pure divan, whose pens and wits 
 
 Th' escape from Elba frighten'd into fits ; — 
 
 Such were the saints, who doom'd Napoleon's life. 
 
 In virtuous frenzy, to th' assassin's knife! 
 
 Disgusting crew ! — xioho would not gladly fly 
 
 To open, downright, bold-fac'd tyranny. 
 
 To honest guilt, that dares do all but lie.
 
 77 
 
 From the false, juggling craft of men like these. 
 Their canting crimes and varnish'd villanies ; — 
 These Holy Leagiiers, Avho then loudest boast 
 Of faith and honour^ when they've stain'd them 
 
 most ; 
 From whose affection men should shrink as loath 
 As from their hate, for they'll be fleec'd by both j 
 Who, ev'n while plund'ring, forge Religion's name 
 To frank their spoil, and, without fear or shame, 
 Call down the Holy Trinity* to bless 
 Partition leagues, and deeds of devilishness ! 
 
 * The usual preamble of these flagitious compacts. In the same 
 spirit, Catherine, after the dreadful massacre of Warsaw, ordered 
 u bolemu " thanksgiving to God in all the churches, for the bless- 
 ings conferred upontlie Poles ;" and commanded that each of them 
 should " swear fidelity and loyalty to her, and to shed in her de- 
 fence the last drop of their blood, as they should answer for it to 
 God, and his terrible judgment, kissing the holy word ami cros* 
 of their Saviour !"
 
 fS 
 
 But hold— enough — soon would this swell of rage 
 O'erflow the boundaries of my scanty page, — 
 So^ here I pause — farewell — another day 
 Return we to those Lords of pray'r and prey, 
 Whose loathsome cant^ whose frauds by right divine 
 Deserve a lash — oh ! weightier far than mine !
 
 LETTER VIII. 
 
 FttOM MR. BOB JUDGE TO RICHARD , ESQ. 
 
 Dear Dick, while old Donal-dson's* mending 
 
 my stays, — 
 Which I kneto would go smash with me one of these 
 
 daysj 
 And, at yesterday's dinner, when, full to the throttle. 
 We lads had begun our desert with a bottle 
 Of neat old Constantia, on my leaning back 
 Just to order another, by Jove I went crack ! — 
 
 • An English tailor at Paris.
 
 80 
 
 Or^ as honest Tom said, in his nautical phrase, 
 
 " D — n my eyes, Bob, in doubling the Cape you've 
 
 miss'd stays."* 
 So, of course, as no gentleman's seen out without 
 
 them. 
 They're now at the Schneider's f — and, while he's 
 
 about them. 
 Here goes for a letter, post-haste, neck and crop — 
 Let us sec' — in my last I was — where did I stop ? 
 Oh, I know — at the Boulevards, as motley a road as 
 
 Man ever wouW wish a day's lounging upon ; 
 With its cafes and gardens, hotels and pagodas. 
 
 Its founts, and old Counts sipping beer in the sun : 
 With its bouses of all architectures you please. 
 From the Grecian and Gothic, Dick, down by degrees 
 To the pure Hottentot, or the Brighton Chinese j 
 
 * A ship is said to miss stays, when she does not obc}' the helm 
 in tacking. 
 
 t The dandy term for a tailor.
 
 81 
 
 Where in temples antique you may breakfast or 
 dinner it, 
 
 Lunch at a mosque, an(i see I'unch from a minaret. 
 
 Then, Dick, the mixture of bonnets and bowers. 
 
 Of foliage and frippery, Jicic res and flowers, 
 
 Green- grocers, green gardens — one hardly knows 
 whether 
 
 Tis country or town, they're so niess'd up together! 
 
 And tliere, if one loves the romantic, one sees 
 
 Jew clothes-men, like shepherds, reclin'd under 
 trees ; 
 
 Or Quidnuncs, on Sunday, just fresh from the bar- 
 ber's. 
 
 Enjoying their news and groseille* in those arbours, 
 
 * " Lemonade aiiri C(in-^le-gt\scillc are measured out at every 
 corner ot' every street, f'roiii taiitasiic vessels, jinL.li.ii wuli bells, 
 to thirsty ti-adeMnm or uiaried niessenf^ers "— S^e l.ady ^lor- 
 gan's lively descripiioii ol'tlie streets of Paris, in lier very amusliig 
 work upon France, Book G.
 
 82 
 
 While gaily their wigs, like the tendrils, are curling. 
 And founts of red currant-juice* round them are 
 purling. 
 
 Here, DicKj arm in arm as we chattering stray, 
 And receive a few civil " God-dems" by the way, — 
 For, 'tis odd, these mounseers, — though we've 
 
 wasted our wealth 
 And our strength, till we've thrown ourselves 
 
 into a phthisic. 
 To cram down their throats an old King for their 
 
 health. 
 As we whip little children to make them take 
 
 physic ; — 
 Yet, spite of our good-natur'd money and slaughter. 
 They hate us, as Beelzebub hates holy-water ! 
 
 • These gay, portable fountains, from wliich the groseillc water 
 is administered, are among tlie most characteristic ornaments of the 
 slre«t» of Parii,
 
 83 
 
 But who the deuce cares, DiCKj as long as they 
 
 nourish us 
 Neatly as now, and good cookery flourishes — 
 Long as, by bay'nets protected, we, Natties, 
 May have our full fling at their salmis nnd pdtSs? 
 And, truly, 1 always declar'd 'twould be pity 
 To burn to the ground such a choice-feeding city: 
 Had Dad but his way, he'd have long ago blown 
 The whole batch to old Nick — and the people, I 
 
 own. 
 If for no other cause than their curst monkey 
 
 looks, 
 Well deserve a blow-up — but then, damn it, their 
 
 Coolvs ! 
 As to Marshals, and Statesmen, and all their whole 
 
 lineage, 
 Tor aught that / care, you may knock them to 
 
 spinage ; 
 
 G 2
 
 84 
 
 But thinkj Dick, their Cooks — what a loss to nuan- 
 
 kind ! 
 What a void in the worhl would their art leave 
 
 behind ! 
 Their chronometer spits — their intense salamanders — 
 Their ovens — their pots, that can soften old ganders. 
 All vanish'd for ever — their miracles o'er, 
 And the Mar mite Perpetuede* bubbling no more! 
 Forbid it, forbid it, ye Holy Allies, 
 
 Take whatever ye fancy — take statues, take mo- 
 ney— 
 But leave them^ oh leave them their Perigueux pies. 
 Their glorious goose-livers, and high pickled 
 tunny ! f 
 
 * " Cette merveillcuse Maniiite Perpetuelle, sur le feu depuis 
 pr^s d'un siecle ; qui a doniie le jour a plus de 300,000 cbapons." 
 — Alman de Gourmands, Quairje nit- Aiin^e, p. 152. 
 
 t Le thon raarine, one of the most favourite and indigestible 
 liors-d^ccuvres. This fish is taken cliiefly in the Golfe de Lyon,
 
 85 
 
 Though many, I own, are the evils they've brought us, 
 Though Royalty's here on her very last legs. 
 
 Yet, who can help loving the land that has taught us 
 Six hundred and eighty-five ways to dress eggs r* 
 
 You see, Dick, in spite of their cries of " God-dam^'' 
 " Co(iuin Anglais," et cait'ra — how generous I am ! 
 And now (to return, once again, to my " Day," 
 Which will talce us all night to get through in this 
 
 way) 
 From the Boulevards we saunter through many a 
 
 street. 
 Crack jokes on the natives — mine, all very neat — 
 Leave the Signs of the Times to political fops. 
 And find twice as much fun in the Signs of the Shops 3 — 
 
 " La tc'te et le dcssous du ventre sont les parties les plus rcclier ■ 
 chees des gourmets." — Cours Gastronomique, p. 25'2 
 
 * The exact number mentioned b}- I\I de lalle^ni^ic — "On 
 connoit en France 683 mani^res differentes d'.icconimoder les 
 iiiul's; sans conipter celles que nos savans imaginent ciiaquc jour.''
 
 86 
 
 Here, a Louis Dix-huit — there, a Martinmas goose, 
 (Much in vogue since your eagles are gone out of 
 
 use) — 
 Henri Quatres in shoals, and of Gods a great many. 
 But Saints are the most on hard duty of any. — 
 St. Tony, who us'd all temptations to spurn. 
 Here hangs o'er a beer-shop, and tempts in his turn ; 
 While tliere St. Vknecia* sits hemming and frilling 
 
 her 
 Holy monchoir o'er the door of some milliner j — 
 Saint Austin's the " outward and visible sign 
 Of an inward" cheap dinner, and pint of small wine ; 
 AVhile St.DiiNYS hangs out o'er some hatter of ton. 
 And possessing, good bishop, no head of his own,f 
 Takes an int'rest in Dandies, who've got — next to 
 
 none ! 
 
 • Veronica, the Saint of tlic Holy Handkcrcliief, is also, under 
 the name of Venisse or Venecia, tl:e tutelary saint of milliners. 
 
 t St.Denys wiilked three miles after his head was cut off. The
 
 S7 
 
 Then we stare into shops — read the evening's af- 
 
 Jiches — 
 Or^, if some, who're Lotharios in feeding, shovdd wish 
 Just to flirt with a lunclieon, (a devilish bad trick, 
 As it takes off the bloom of one's appetite, Dick,) 
 To the Paisage dts — what d'ye call't — des Panoramas* 
 We quicken our pace, and there lieartily cram as 
 Seducing young pats'), as ever could cozen 
 One out of ones appetite, down by the dozen. 
 We vary, of course — petits idtes do one day. 
 The next we've our lunch with the Gauffrier Hol- 
 
 landais,f 
 That popular artist, who brings out, like Sc — rr. 
 His delightful productions so quick, hot and hot; 
 
 mot of ;i woman of wit upon this legend is well known : — " Jc !e 
 crois bien; en pareil cas, il n'y a que !e premier pas qui coute." 
 
 * Oir the Boulevards Italiens. 
 
 t In the Palais Royal ; successor, I believe, to the Flamanci, jo 
 Ion;: celebratcij for the r/hciUui of Lis Gaafres.
 
 88 
 
 Not the worse for the exquisite comment that fol- 
 io ws^ — 
 Divinemaresqicino, which — Lord, how one swallows ! 
 
 Once more, then^ we saunter forth after our snack, or 
 Subscribe a few francs for the price of -a fiacre. 
 And drive far away to the old Montagnes Russes, 
 Where we find a few twirls in the car of much use 
 To regen'rate the hunger and thirst of us sinners. 
 Who've laps'd into snacks — the perdition of dinners. 
 And here, Dick — in answer to one of your queries. 
 About which we. Gourmands, have had much 
 
 discussion — 
 I've tried all these mountains, Swiss, French, and 
 
 Ruggieri's, 
 And think, for digestion * there's none like the 
 
 Russian 
 
 • Doctor Cotterel recommends, for this purpose, the Beaujon or 
 French Mountains, ami calls thcni " une niedecine aerienne, cou-
 
 89 
 
 So equal the motion — so gentle^ though tieet — 
 
 Jt, in short, such alight and salubrious scamper is, 
 That take \vhoni you please — take old L — s D — x- 
 
 £1— T, 
 
 And stuff him — ay, up to the neck — with stew'd 
 
 lampreys, * 
 So wholesome these Mounts, such a solvent I've 
 
 found them, 
 That, let me but rattle the jNIonarch well down them, 
 
 leur de rose ;" but 1 own I prefer the authority of ^Ir. Bob, who 
 
 seems, from the following note found in his own liand-writing, to 
 
 have studied -all these mountains ver^- carefuliv : 
 Memoranda — Tlie Swiss little notice deserves, 
 While the fall at Rugizieri's is deatli to weak nerves; 
 And (wliate'cr Doctor (. oii'rel may vvritc on the question) 
 The turn at the Beaujoii's too sharp for digestion. 
 
 I doubt whether Mr Bob is quite correct in accenting the second 
 
 syllable of Fluggieri. 
 
 • A dish so iiriigestible, tliat a late novelist, at the end of his 
 book, could imagine no more summary mode of getting rid of all 
 his heroes airi heroines than by a hearty supper of stewed lam- 
 preys.
 
 90 
 
 The fiend, Indigestion, would fly far away, 
 
 And the regicide lampreys* be foiled of their prey! 
 
 Such, Dick, are the classical sports that content us. 
 Till five o'clock brings on that hour so monaentous. 
 That epoch but woa ! my lad — here conies the 
 
 Schneider, 
 And, curse him^ has made the stays three inches 
 
 wider — 
 Too wide by an inch and a half — what a Guy ! 
 But, no matter — 'twill all be set right by-and-by — - 
 As we've MASSiNor'sf eloquent carte to eat still 
 
 up, 
 An inch and a half's but a trifle to fill up. 
 
 * They killed Henry I. of England : — "a food (says Hume, 
 gravely,) which always iigrecd belter wiih his palate tlian his 
 constitution." 
 
 f A famous Restaurateur — now Dupont.
 
 91 
 
 So — not to lose time, Dick — here goes for the task ; 
 Ati rcvoir, my okl boy — of the (lods I but ask, 
 Tliat my life, like " the Leap of the German,"* 
 
 may be, 
 " Du lit a la table, d'la table au lit!" 
 
 R. F. 
 
 • An old French saying; — " Faire le saut de I'Allemand, du 
 i!t a la table et de la table au lit,"
 
 LETTER IX. 
 
 FROM PHIL. FUDGE, ESQ. TO THE LORD VISCOUXT 
 C ST GH. 
 
 My Lord, th' Instructions^ brought to-day, 
 " I shall in all my best obey." 
 Your Lordship talks and writes so sensibly ! 
 And — whatsoe'er some wags may say — 
 Oh ! not at all incomprehensibly. 
 
 I feel th' inquiries in your letter 
 
 About my health and French most flattering; 
 Thank ye, my French, though somewhat better. 
 
 Is, on the whole, but weak and smattering: —
 
 93 
 
 Nothing, of course, that can compare 
 With his who made the Congress stare, 
 (A certain Lord we need not name) 
 
 Who, ev'n in French, would have his trope, 
 And talk of " batir un systeuie 
 
 " Sur r^quilibre de I'Europe !" 
 Sweet metaphor! — and then th' Epistle, 
 Which bid the Saxon King go whistle, 
 Tliat tender letter to " Mon Prince," * 
 Which show'd alike tliy French and sense; — 
 Oh no, my Lord — there's none can do 
 Or say un-Eii^!ish things like you ; 
 And, if tlie schemes tliat fill thy breast 
 
 Could but a vent congenial seek. 
 And use the tongue that suits them best. 
 
 What charming Turkish would'st thou speak ! 
 
 * The CflelirHted letter lol'rincc H;ir(lcaburgli('vritten, however, 
 1 believe, originally in English,) in which his Lonlship, fnoh ssing 
 to sec " no ni(}r;il or [jolitical ohjeciiwn" to the (ii'niniiliei inent ot 
 Saxony, denounced the unfortuimte King ;is " not only the most 
 'ievoted, but the most favoured of Bonai^nrte's vass:ils.''
 
 94 
 
 But as for me, a Frenchless grub, 
 
 At Congress never born to stammer. 
 Nor learn like thee, my Lord, to snub 
 
 Fall'n Monarchs, out of Chamkaud's gram- 
 mar — 
 Bless you, you do not, cannot know 
 How far a little French will go ; 
 For all one's stock, one need but draw 
 
 On some half dozen words like these — 
 Comme ga — par-la — la-has — ah ha! 
 
 They'll take you all through France with ease. 
 
 Your Lordship's praises of the scraps 
 ] sent you from my Journal lately, 
 
 (Enveloping a few lac'd caps 
 
 For Lady C.) delight me greatly. 
 
 Her flattering speech — " what pretty things 
 One finds in Mr. Fudge's pages!"
 
 95 
 
 Is praise which (as some poet sings) 
 Would pay one for the toils of ages. 
 
 Thus flatter'd, I presume to send 
 A few more extracts by a friend ; 
 And I should hope they'll be no less 
 Approv'd of than my last MS. — 
 The former ones, I fear, were creas'd. 
 
 As BiDDV round the caps -would pin them: 
 But these will come to hand, at least 
 
 Unrumpled, for — there's nothing in them. 
 
 Extracts from Mr. Fudge s Journal, addressed to 
 Lord C. 
 
 Aug. 10. 
 
 Went to the Mad-house — saw the man,* 
 
 Who thinks, poor wretch, that, while the Fiend 
 
 • This extraurdiu.-iry luaciiuau is, I believe, 'u\ tlic Bicetre. He 
 imagines, CKactiy as Mr. Fudge states it, that, when the licads of
 
 96 
 
 Of Discord here full riot ran. 
 
 He, like tlie rest, was guillotin'd ; — 
 But that when, under Boxi-:y\s reign, 
 
 (A niore discreet, tliougli quite as strong one) 
 The heads were all restor'd again, 
 
 He, in the scramble, got a wrong one. 
 Accordingly, he still cries out 
 
 This strange head fits him most unpleasantly; 
 And always runs, poor dev'l, aboxit, 
 
 Inquiring for his own incessantly! 
 
 While to his case a tear I dropt. 
 
 And saunter'd home, thought I — ye Gods ! 
 How many heads might thus be swopp'd. 
 
 And, after all, not make much odds ! 
 For instance, there's V — s — it — r's head — 
 (" Tarn (Y/r»??/"* it may well be said) 
 
 those who liiid Inrn guilloiincci were restoreci, lie by mistake gdt 
 some oilier person's insie;i(l oi his own. 
 • Tam cari capitis. — IIorat.
 
 97 
 
 It' by some curious chance it came 
 
 To settle on Bill Soames's * shoulders, 
 I'h' effect would turn out much the same 
 
 On all respectable cash-holders : 
 Except that while, in its neiv socket. 
 
 The head was planning schemes to win 
 \ zig-zag way into one's pockety 
 
 The hands would plunge directly in. 
 
 Good Viscount S — dm — h, too^ instead 
 Of his own grave, respected head, 
 flight wear (for aught I see that bars) 
 
 Old Lady Wilhelmina Frump's — 
 So while the hand sign'd Circulars, 
 
 The head might lisp out " What is trumps ?"- 
 The R — G — t's brains could we transfer 
 To some robust man-milliner, 
 
 * A rclchrated pickpwket.
 
 m 
 
 The shop, the shears, the hiee, and ribbon 
 Would gOj I doubt not, quite as glib on } 
 And, vice vend, take the pains 
 To give the P — cb the shopman's brains. 
 One only change from thence would flow^ 
 Ribbons would not be wasted so! 
 
 'Twas thus I ponder'd on, my Lord; 
 
 And, ev'n at night, when laid in bed, 
 I found myselfj before I snor'd. 
 
 Thus chopping, swopping head for head. 
 At length I thought, fantastic elf ! 
 How sucli a change would suit mystlf. 
 'Twixt sleep and waking, one by one, 
 
 With various pericraniums saddled. 
 At last I tried your Lordship's on. 
 
 And then I grew completely addled — 
 Forgot all other heads, od rot 'em ! 
 And slept, and dreamt tiiat I was — BoTroM
 
 99 
 
 ^iig. 21. 
 
 ^Valk'd out with daughter Bid — was shown 
 The House of Commons^ and the Throne, 
 Whose velvet cushion's just the same * 
 Napolkon sat on — what a shame ! 
 Oh, can Ave wonder, best of speechers ! 
 
 When Louis seated thus we see. 
 That France's " fundamental features" 
 
 Are much the same they us'd to be ? 
 However, — God preserve the Throne, 
 
 And cushion too — and keep them free 
 From accidents, which have been known 
 
 To happen ev'n to Royalty ! f 
 
 * Tlie only ciiangc, if I recollect right, is the substitution of 
 lilies for bees. This war upon the bees is, of course, universal ; 
 " exitiuni raisere apibus," like the angry nymphs in Virgil: — 
 but may not new sicarms arise out of the victims of Legitimacy yet? 
 
 f i am afraid that Mr. Fudge alludes here to a very awkward 
 accident, which is well known to have happened to poor L — s le 
 I) — s — e, some years since, at one of the R — g — t's Fetes, He 
 was sitting next our gracious Queen at the time. 
 
 u 2
 
 100 
 
 Au<r. 28. 
 Read, at a stall, (for oft one pops 
 On something at these stalls and shops. 
 That does to quote, and gives one's Book 
 k classical and knowing look. — 
 Indeed I've found, in Latin, lately, 
 A course of stalls improves me greatly.) 
 'Twas thus I read, that, in the East, 
 
 A monarch's/a^'s a serious matter; 
 And once in every year, at least. 
 
 He's weigh'd — to see if he gets fatter : * 
 Then, if a pound or two he be 
 Increas'd, there's quite a. jubilee! f 
 
 * '' The Srd day of tlio Feast tlic King causcth liimseli' to be 
 weighed witli great care."— /'". Bernicr's Voyage to Surat,&;c. 
 
 f " I remember," says Beriiier, " tliat all the Omrahs ex- 
 pressed great joy that tlie King weighed two pounds more now 
 than the year preceding." — Another author tells us that "Fatness, 
 as well as a very large head, is considered, throughout India, as 
 one of the most precious gifts of lieaven. An enormous skull is 
 abMjIutely revered, and the hap]iy owner is looked up to as a
 
 101 
 
 Suppose, my Lord, — and far from me 
 To treat such things with levity — 
 But just suppose the R — g — t's weight 
 Were made tlms an affair of state j 
 And, ev'ry sessions, at the close^ — 
 
 'Stead of a speech, which, all can see, is 
 Heavy and dull enough, God knows— 
 
 We were to try liow heavy he is. 
 Much would it glad all hearts to hear 
 
 That, while the Nation's Revenue 
 Loses so many pounds a year. 
 
 The P E, God bless him ! gains a few. 
 
 Witli bales of muslin, chintzes, spices, 
 I see the Easterns weigh their Kings 3 — 
 
 But, for the R — G — T, my advice is, 
 
 VVe should throw in much heavier things : 
 
 \iperior being. To u Prince ii joultor liead is invaluable. 
 
 Oriental Field Sports.
 
 102 
 
 For instance 's quarto volumes. 
 
 Which, though not spices, serve to wrap them : 
 Dominie St — DD — t's Daily columns, 
 
 "Prodigious !" — in, of course, we'd clap them— 
 Letters, that C — rtw t's pen indites. 
 
 In which, with logical confusion, 
 The Major like a Minor writes. 
 
 And never comes to a Conclusion : — 
 Lord S — M — Ks' pamphlet — or his head — 
 (Ah, that were worth its weight in lead !) 
 Along with which we in may whip, sly. 
 The Speeches of Sir John C — x H — pp — slv ; 
 That Baronet of many words. 
 Who loves so, in the House of Lords, 
 To whis})er Bishops — and so nigh 
 
 Unto their wigs in whisp'ring goes. 
 That you may always know him by 
 
 A patch of powder on his nose ! —
 
 103 
 
 \i tins won't do^ we in must cram 
 
 i'he " Reasons" of Lord B — CK — gh — m ; 
 
 (A Book his Lordship means to write, 
 
 Kntitled " Reasons for my Ratting :'') 
 Or, should tiiese prove too small and light. 
 
 His 's a host — we'll bundle that in ! 
 
 And, still should all these masses fail 
 To stir the R — G — t's ponderous scale. 
 Why then, my Lord, in heaven's name. 
 
 Pitch in, without reserve or stint, 
 The whole of R — gl — y's beauteous Dame — 
 
 If t/iat won't raise him, devil's in't! 
 
 Aug. 31. 
 Consulted Murphy's Tacitus 
 
 About those famous spies at Rome, * 
 
 *• Ihe name ol the first worthy who set up the trade of inlbrmer 
 11 Rome (to wliom our Olivers and Castlescs ought to erect a statue) 
 Aas Rumauus Hispo ; — " qui formani vitaj iniit, quam postea cele-
 
 104 
 
 Whom certain Whigs — to make a fusa--^ 
 Describe as much resembling us,* 
 Informing gentlemen, at home. 
 But, bless the fools, they ca?i^t be serious, 
 To say Lord S — dm — th's like Tibkrius I 
 What! he, the Peer, that injures no man. 
 Like that severe, blood-thirsty Roman ! — 
 'Tis true, the Tyrant lent an ear to 
 All sorts of spies — so doth the Peer, too. 
 'Tis true my Lord's Elect tell fibs. 
 And deal in perj'ry — ditto Tib's. 
 'Tis true, the Tyrant screen 'd and hid 
 His rogues from justice -f — ditto SiD. 
 
 brem mlserirc temporum ct audaciae honiiniim fccerunt.'' — Tacit. 
 Annal. 1, 74. 
 
 *They certaii)ly possessed the same art of instigating their vic- 
 tims, wliich the Ilcj)ort of the Secret Committee attributes to Lord 
 Sidmoiith's agents: — " sccins (says Tacitus of one of them) libidi- 
 ntim et necessitatum, quo pluribus indiciis inligaret." 
 
 f " Neque tamen id Screno noxse fuit, ij'/cm odium ]:ublicum tu-
 
 105 
 
 Tia true the Peer is grave and glib 
 At moral speeches — ditto Tib.* 
 'Tis true, the feats the Tyrant did 
 Were in his dotage — ditto Sid. 
 
 So far, I own, the parallel 
 
 "Twixt Tib and Sid goes vastly well ; 
 
 But there are points in Tib that strike 
 
 My humble mind as much more like 
 
 Yourself, my dearest Lord, or him 
 
 Of th' India Board — that soul of whim ! 
 
 liorenfaciebat. ^lam ut quis districtior accusator re/uf SrtOWflwcOii 
 erat." Aniial. Lib. 4, 36. — Or, as it is translated by Mr. Fud^^e's 
 I'riend, Murphy: — "This dariiiij; accuser had the cuTses of the 
 people, and the protectinn of the Emperor, Informers, in propor- 
 tion as they rose in guilt, became sacred characters." 
 
 * Murphy even conl'ers upon one of his speeches the epithet 
 " constitutional." ^Ir. Fudge might have iidded to his ])araJleb 
 that Tiberius was a ;^ood private character: — " egregiuni vita 
 famaque quoad priiatmj'
 
 106 
 
 Like him, Tibkrius lov'd his joke, * 
 
 On matters^ too, where few can bear one ; 
 E. g. a man, cut up, or broke 
 
 Upon the wheel — a devilish fair one ! 
 Your common fractures, wounds, and fits, 
 Are nothing to such wholesale wits ; 
 But, let the sufF'rer gasp for life, 
 
 The joke is then worth any money ; 
 And, if he writhe beneath a knife, — 
 
 Oh dear, that's something quite too funny. 
 In this respect, my Lord, you see 
 The Roman wag and ours agree : 
 Now as to your resemblance — mum — 
 
 This parallel we need not follow; f 
 
 * " Ludiirria scriis perniiscere solitus." 
 
 t I'liere is one point of resemblance between Tiberius and Lord 
 (',, which I\Ir. Fudge might have mentioned — " suspensu iei»j:cr et 
 ohscura verba."
 
 107 
 
 Though 'tis, in Ireland, said by some 
 Your Lordship beats Tiberius hollow ; 
 
 \Vhips, chains — but these are things too serious 
 For me to mention or discuss ; 
 
 Whene'er your Lordship acts TiBKfiirs, 
 Pmi.. Fcdge's part is Tacitus ! 
 
 Sept. 2. 
 Was thinking, had Lord S — dm — th got 
 Up any decent kind of Plot 
 Against the winter-time — if not, 
 Alas, alas, our ruin's fated ; 
 AH done up, and spijiicatcd ! 
 .Ministers and all their vassals, 
 
 Down from C — tl CH to Castlks, — 
 
 Unless we can kick up a riot, 
 Ne'er can hope for peace or (piiet !
 
 J08 
 
 What's to be dorte ?• — Spa-Fields was elevef ; 
 But even that brought gibes and mockings 
 Upon our heads — so, mem. — niust never 
 
 Keep ammunition in old stockings ; 
 For fear some wag should in his curst head 
 Take it to say our force was worsted. 
 Mem. too — when Sid. an army raises. 
 It must not be " incog." like Bayes's : 
 Nor must the General be a hobbling 
 Professor of the art of Cobbling ; 
 Lest men, who perpetrate such puns, 
 
 Should say, with Jacobinic grin. 
 He felt, from solemg Wellingtons, * 
 
 A WelUugtons great soul within ! 
 Nor must an old Apothecary 
 
 Go take tlie Tower, for lack of pence, 
 
 * Short boots, so called.
 
 109 
 
 Whh (what these Avags would call, so merry) 
 
 Physical force and phial-ence ! 
 No — no — our Plot, my Lord, must be 
 Next time contriv'd more skilfully. 
 John Bull, I grieve to say, is growing 
 So troublesomely sharp and knowing, 
 "^o wise — in short, so .Jacobin — 
 ''i'is monstrous hard to take him in. 
 
 Sept. 6. 
 Heard of the fate of our Ambassador 
 
 In China, and was sorely nettled ; 
 But think, my Lord, we should not pass it o'er 
 
 Till all this matter's fairly settled ; 
 And here's the mode occurs to me : — 
 As none of our Nobility 
 (Though for their oivn most gracious King 
 'I'hey would kiss hands, or — any thing)
 
 110 
 
 Can be persuaded to go through 
 This farce-like trick of the Ko-tou ; 
 And as these Mandarins wont bend. 
 
 Without some mumming exhibition , 
 Suppose, my Lord, you were to send 
 
 Grimaldi to them on a mission . 
 As L(?gate Joe couhl play his part, 
 And if, in diplomatic art. 
 The "volto sciolto" * 's meritorious, 
 Let JoK but grin, he has it, glorious ! 
 
 A title for him 's easily made j 
 
 And, by the by, one Christmas time, 
 
 If I remember right, he play'd 
 
 Lord MoKLEY in some pantomime j — | 
 
 • The opm cuuntcnancc, recommended by Lord Cliesteiticld. 
 
 t Mr. Fudge is a little mistaken here. It was not Grimaldi, but 
 some very interior pcrl'ornier, wlio played this pariot' " Lord Mor- 
 ey"in the pantomime, -so much to the horror ol' the distinguished
 
 Ill 
 
 As Earl of M — rl — v then gazette him, 
 If t'other Earl of M — rl— Y 'II let him. 
 (And why should not the world be blest 
 With two such starsj for East and West }) 
 Then, when before the Yellow Screen 
 
 He's brought — and, sure, the very essence 
 Of etiquette would be that scene 
 
 Of Joe in the Celestial Presence ! — 
 
 He thus should say : — " Duke Ho and SoOj 
 
 " I'll play what tricks you please for you, 
 
 "If you'll, in turn, but do for me 
 
 " A few small tricks you now shall see. 
 
 " If I consult yoitr Emperor's liking, 
 
 ' ' At least you'll do the same for my King." 
 
 He then should give them nine such grins, 
 
 \s would astound ev'n Mandarins j 
 
 Earl of that name. The expostiilatory letters of tlie Noble Earl 
 to Mr. Il-rr-s, upon this vulgar profanation of his spick-and-span- 
 new title, vsill, 1 trust, some time or otiier, be given to the world
 
 112 
 
 And throw such somersets before 
 
 The picture of King Georgk (God bless him!) 
 As, should Duke Ho but try them o'er, 
 
 Would, by Confucius, much distress him ! 
 
 I start this merely as a hint. 
 
 But think you'll find some wisdom in't ; 
 
 And, should you follow up the job. 
 
 My son, my Lord, (you knoxa poor Bob) 
 
 Would in the suite be glad to go 
 
 And help his Excellency, Joe ; — 
 
 At least, like noble Amh — rst's son. 
 
 The lad will do to practise on. * 
 
 * Sec Mr. Ellis's account of the Embassy.
 
 113 
 
 LETTER X. 
 
 FROM MISS BIDDY FUDGE TO MISS DOROTHY 
 
 »> ELL, it is n't the King, after all, my dear creature ! 
 But dont you go laugh, now — there's nothing to 
 quiz in't — 
 For grandeur of air and for grimness of feature. 
 He might be a King, Doll, though, hang him, 
 he is n't. 
 At first, I felt hurt, for I wish'd it, I own. 
 If for no other cause but to vex Miss Malone, — 
 
 I
 
 114 
 
 (The great heiress, you know, of Shandiingan, who's 
 
 here. 
 Showing off with such airs_, and a real (/ashmere, * 
 While mine's but a paltry, old rabbit-skin, dear !) 
 But says Pa, after deeply consid'ring the thing, 
 " I am just as well pleas'd it should not be the King 3 
 " As I think for my Biddy, so gentille andjolie, 
 " Wh<)se charms may their price in an honest Avay 
 fetch, 
 '^ That a Brandenburgh" — (what w aBrandenburgh. 
 Dolly ?)— 
 '' Would be, after all, no such very great catch. 
 "If the R — G — T indeed — " added he, looking sly — 
 (You remember that comical squint of his eye) 
 
 * See Lady Morgan's " France" for the anecdote, told 
 lier by Madame de Genlis, of tlie young gentleman whose love 
 was cured by findhiij that his mistress wore a shawl " peau <i( 
 japiu."
 
 115 
 
 But I stopped him with " La, Pa, how can you say so, 
 " When the R — g — t loves none but old women, 
 
 you know !" 
 ^Vhich isfact, my dearDoLLv — we, girls of eighteen, 
 And so slim — Lord, he'd think us not fit to be seen; 
 And would like us much better, as old — ay, as old 
 As that Countess of Desmond, of whom I've been told 
 That she liv'd to much more than a hundred and ten, 
 And was kill'd by a fall from a cherry-tree then ! 
 What a frisky old girl ! but — to come to my lover, 
 A\'ho, though not a King, is a hero I'll swear, — 
 You shall hear all that's happen'd, just briefly run 
 
 over. 
 Since that happy night, when we whisk'd througli 
 
 the air ! 
 
 Let me see — 'twas on Saturday — yes, Dolly, yes — 
 From that eveninir I date the first dawn of mv bliss;
 
 116 
 
 When we both rattled off in that dear little carriage, 
 Whosejourney, Bob says, is solikeLoveand Marriage, 
 " Beginning gay, desperate, dashing, down-hilly, 
 " And ending as dull as a six-inside Dilly !"* 
 Well, scarcely a wink did I sleep the night through. 
 And, next day, having scribbled my letter to you. 
 With a heart fuU of hope this sweet fellow to meet 
 1 set out with Papa, to see Louis Dix-huit 
 Make his bow to some half-dozen women and boys, 
 Who get up a small concert of shrill Vive le Rois — 
 And how vastly genteeler, my dear, even this is. 
 Than vulgar Pall-Mall's oratorio of hisses ! 
 The gardens seem'd full — so, of course, we walk'd 
 
 o'er 'em, 
 'Mong orange-trees, clipp'd into town-bred decorum, 
 And daphnes, and vases, and many a statue 
 There staring, with not ev*n a stitch on them, at you I 
 
 • The cars, on tlie return, are dragged up slowly by a cliaiii.
 
 117 
 
 The pondSj too, we view'd — stood awhile on the brink 
 To contemplate the play of those pretty gold fishes — 
 
 " Live bullion,^' says merciless Bob, "which, I think, 
 " Would, if coin'd, with a little mint sauce, be 
 delicious !" 
 
 But tvJiat, Dolly, what, is the gay orange-grove. 
 
 Or gold fishes to her that's in search of her love ? 
 
 In vain did I wildly explore every chair 
 
 Where a thing like a man was — no lover sate there ! 
 
 In vain my fond eyes did I eagerly cast 
 
 At the whiskers, mustachios, and wigs that went past, 
 
 To obtain, if I could, but a glance at that curl. 
 
 But a glimpse of those whiskers, as sacred, my girl, 
 
 As the lock tliat. Pa says,* is to Mussulmen giv'n. 
 
 For the angel to hold by that ' ' lugs them to heaven ! " — 
 
 * For this scrap of knowledge " Pa" was, I suspect, indebted 
 to a note upon Volney's Ruins; a book which usually forms part 
 of a Jacobin's library, and with w hich Mr. Fudge must have been 
 well acquainted at the time wlien he wrote his "Down with Kings,"
 
 118 
 
 Alas, there went by me full many a quiz. 
 
 And mustachios in plenty, but nothing like his ! 
 
 Disappointed, I found myself sighing out '"' well-a- 
 
 day,"- 
 ThoughtofthewordsofT — mM — RE'sIrishMelody. 
 Something about the " green spot of delight," * 
 (Which, you know. Captain Macintosh sung to 
 
 us one day) : 
 Ah Dolly, my "■ spot" was that Saturday night. 
 And its verdure, how fleeting, had wither'd by 
 
 Sunday ! 
 
 &.C. The note in Volney is as follows: — " It is by this tuft of 
 hair, (on the crown of the head) worn by the majority of Mussul- 
 mans, that the Angel of the Tomb is to take the elect and carry 
 them to Paradise." 
 
 * The young lady, whose memory is not very correct, must 
 allude, I think, to the following lines:- — 
 
 Oh that fairy lortn is ne'er forgot, 
 
 Which First Love trac'd; 
 Still it ling'ring haunts the greenest spot 
 
 On Memory's waste !
 
 119 
 
 We din'd at a tavern — La, what do I say ? 
 
 If Bob was to know ! — a Restaurateur's, dear; 
 Where your properest ladies go dine every day, 
 
 And drink Burgundy out oflarge tumblers, like beer. 
 Fine Bob (for he's really grown super-fine) 
 
 Condescended, for once, to make one of the party; 
 Of course, ihough but three, we had dinner for nine, 
 
 And, in spite of my grief, love, I own I eat hearty. 
 Indeed, Doll, I know not how 'tis, but, in grief, 
 1 have always found eating a wond'rous relief; 
 And Bob, who's in love, said he felt the same, quite — 
 
 " My sighs," said he," ceas'd with the first glass 
 1 drank you ; 
 " The hnnb made: me tranquil, the /^/j^^y made me light, 
 
 " And — now that all's o'er — why, I'm — pretty 
 well, thank you !" 
 
 To 7«j/ great annoyance, we sat rather late ; 
 For Bobby and Pa had a furious debate
 
 120 
 
 About singing and cookery — Bobby, of course. 
 Standing up for the latter Fine Art in full force ; 
 And Pa saying, " God only knows which is worst, 
 
 " The French singers or cooks, but I wish us well 
 over it — 
 " What with old Lais and Ve'ry, I'm curst 
 
 " If my head or my stomach will ever recover it!'' 
 
 'Twas dark, when we got to the Boulevards to stroll, 
 ilnd in vain did I look 'mong the street Macaronis, 
 
 When, sudden, it struck me — last hope of my soul — 
 That some angel might take the dear man to 
 
 ToRTONl's ! * 
 
 We enter'd — and, scarcely had Bob, with an air. 
 
 For a grappe d la jardiniere call'd to the waiters, 
 When, oh Doll ! I saw him — my hero was there, 
 (For I knew his white small-clothes and brown 
 leather gaiters) 
 * A fashionable caf6 glacier on the Italian Boulevards.
 
 121 
 
 A group of fair statues fromGreece smiling o'er him, * 
 And lots of red currant-juice sparkling before him ! 
 Oh Dolly, these heroes — what creatures they are! 
 
 In the boudoir the same as in fields full of slaughter j 
 As cool in the Beaujon's precipitous car, 
 
 As when safe at Tortoni's, o'er ic'd currant- water! 
 He join'd us — ima£;ine, dear creature, my extasy— 
 Join'd by the man I'd have broken ten necks to see ! 
 Bob wish'd to treat him with Punch a la glace. 
 But the sweet fellow swore that my heauti, my grace, 
 And my je-ne-sais-auoi (then his whiskers he twirl'd) 
 Were, to him, "^on de top of allPonch in devorld," — 
 How pretty ! — though oft (as, of course, it must be) 
 Both his French and his English are Greek, Doll, 
 
 to me- 
 But, in short, I felt happy as ever fond heart did j 
 And happier still, when 'twas fix'd, ere we parted, 
 
 • " You eat vour ice at Tortoni's," says Mr. Scott, " under a 
 Grecian group."
 
 122 
 
 That^ if the next day should be pastoral weather. 
 We all would set off, in French buggies, together^ 
 To see Montmorency — that place which, you know. 
 Is sofamous for cherries and JEANJAcaUEsRoussEAU. 
 His card then he gave us — the namey rather creas'd — 
 But 'twas Calicot — something — a Colonel, at least! 
 After which — sure there never was hero so civil — ^he 
 Saw us safe home to our door in Rue Rivoli, 
 Where his last words, as, at parting, he threw 
 A soft look o'er his shoulders, were — "• how do you 
 do!"* 
 
 But, lord, — there's Papa for the post — I'm so vext — 
 Montmorency must now, love, be kept for my next. 
 That dear Sunday night! — I was cliarmingly drest. 
 And — so providential ! — was looking my best ; 
 
 • Not an unusual mistake with foreigners.
 
 123 
 
 Such a sweet muslin gown^ with a flounce — and my 
 
 frills, 
 You've no notion how rich — (though Pa has by the 
 
 bills) 
 And you'd smilehad youseen, when wesat rathernear. 
 Colonel Calicot eyeing the cambric, my dear. 
 Then tlie flow'rs in my bonnet — but, la, it's in vain — 
 So^ good by, my sweet Doll — I shall soon write 
 
 again. B. F. 
 
 Nota bene — our love to all neighbours about — 
 Your Papa in particular — how is his gout ? 
 
 P. S, — I've just open'd my letter to say. 
 In your next you must tell me (now do, Dolly, pray, 
 For I hate to ask Bob, he's so ready to quiz) 
 What sort of a thing, dear^ a Brandenlmrgh is.
 
 124 
 
 LETTER XI. 
 
 FROM PHELIM CONNOR TO 
 
 Yes— 'twas a cause, as noble and as great 
 As ever hero died to vindicate — 
 A Nation's right to speak a Nation's voice^ 
 And own no power but of the Nation's choice ! 
 Such was the grand, the glorious cause that now 
 Hung trembling on Napoleon's single brow ; 
 Such the sublime arbitrement, that pour'd. 
 In patriot eyes, a light around his sword, 
 A glory then, which never, since the day 
 Of his young victories, had illum'd its way !
 
 125 
 
 Oh 'twas not then the time for tame debates. 
 Ye men of Gaul, when chains were at your gates ; 
 When he, who fled before your Chieftain's eye. 
 As geese from eagles on Mount Taurus fly, * 
 Denounc'd against the land, that spurn'd his chain, 
 Myriads of swords to l)ind it fast again — 
 Myriads of fierce invading swords, to track 
 Through your best blood his path of vengeance back? 
 When Europe's Kings, that never yet combin'd 
 But (like those upper Stars, that, when conjoin'd. 
 Shed war and pestilence) to scourge mankind, 
 Gather'd around, with hosts from every shore, 
 Hating Napoleon much, but Freedom more. 
 And, in that coming strife, appall'd to see 
 The world yet left one chance for liberty ! — 
 
 • See iElian, Lib. 5. cap. 5i9 — who tells us that these gecsc, 
 from a consciousness of their own loquacity, always cross Mount 
 Taurus with stones in their bills, to prevent any unlucky cackle 
 from betraying them to the eagles — ^i«riTovTf« timtj-iti;.
 
 126 
 
 No, 'twas not then the time to weave a net 
 
 Of bondage round your Chief; to curb and fret 
 
 Your veteran war-horse, pawing for the fight, 
 
 When every hope was in his speed and might — 
 
 To waste the hour of action in dispute. 
 
 And coolly plan how Freedom's boughs should shoot, 
 
 When your Invader's axe was at the root ! 
 
 No, sacred Liberty ! that God, who throws 
 
 Thy light around, like his own sunshine, knows 
 
 How well 1 love thee, and how deeply hate 
 
 All tyrants, upstart and Legitimate — 
 
 Yet, in that hour, were France my native land, 
 
 I would have followed, with quick heart and hand. 
 
 Napoleon, Nero — ay, no matter whom — 
 
 To snatch my country from that damning doom. 
 
 That deadliest curse that on the conquer'd waits — 
 
 A Conqueror's satrap, thron'd within her gates !
 
 127 
 
 True, he was false — despotic — oil you plen?c- 
 Had trampled down man's holiest liberties — 
 Had, by a genius, form'd for nobler things 
 Than lie within the grasp of vulgar Kings, 
 But rais'd the hopes of men — as eaglets fly 
 With tortoises aloft into the sky — 
 To dash them down again more shatteringly ! 
 * All this I own— but still * * * 
 
 * Somehody (Fontonelle, I believe) has said, that if he iiad liis 
 hand full of truths, he would open but one finger at a time ; and 
 1 find it necessary to use the same sort of reserve with respert to 
 Mr. Phelira Connor's very plain-spoken letters. The remainder 
 of this Epistle is so full of unsafe matter-of-fact, that it inu.'-t, Ibr 
 the present at least, be withheld from the public.
 
 128 
 
 LETTER XII. 
 
 FROM MISS BIDDY FUDGE TO MISS DOROTHY 
 
 At last, Dolly, — thanks to a potent emetic. 
 Which Bobby and Pa, with grimace sympathetic, 
 Have swallowed this morning, to balance the bliss 
 Of an eel matelote and a bisque d'ecrevisses — 
 I've a morning at home to myself, and sit down 
 To describe you our heavenly trip out of town. 
 How agog you must be for this letter, my dear ! 
 Lady Jane, in the novel, less languish'd to hear 
 If that elegant cornet she met at Lord Neville's 
 Was actually dying with love or — blue devils.
 
 129 
 
 But Love, Dolly, Love is the theme / pursue ; 
 With Blue Devils, thank heiiv'n, 1 havenothingtodo — 
 Except, indeed, dear Colonel Calicot spies 
 Any imps of that colour in certain blue eyes. 
 Which he stares at till I, Doll, at his do the same; 
 Then he simpers — I blush — and would often exclaim. 
 If 1 knew but the French for it, '' Lord, Sir, for 
 shame !" 
 
 Well, the morning was lovely— the trees in full dress 
 For the happy occasion — the sunshine express — 
 Had we order'd it, dear, of the best poet going. 
 It scarce could be furni&h'd more golden and glowing. 
 Though late when we started, the scent of the air 
 Was like (tatiie's roi^e-water — and, briglit, here 
 
 and there. 
 On the grass \\\\ odd dew-drop was glittering yet, 
 Like my aunt's diamond pin on her green tabhiiic-! ! 
 
 K
 
 130 
 
 And the birds seem'd to warble as blest on the 
 
 boughs. 
 As if each a plum'd Calicot had for her spouse ; 
 And the grapes were all blushing antl kissing in rows, 
 And — in short, need I tell you, wherever one goes 
 With the creature one loves, 'tis all coultur de rose ; 
 And, ah, I shall ne'er, liv'd I ever so long, see 
 A day such as that at divine Montmorency ! 
 
 There was but one drawback — at first when wc 
 
 started. 
 The Colonel and I were inhumanly parted ; 
 How cruel — young hearts of such moments to rob ! 
 He went in Pa's buggy, and I went with BoBj 
 And, I own, 1 felt spitefully hai)py to know 
 That Papa and his comrade agreed but so-so. 
 For the Colonel, it seems, is a stickler of Boney's — 
 Serv'd with him, of course — nay, I'm sure they were 
 
 cronies —
 
 131 
 
 So martial his features ! dear Doll, you can trace 
 Ulm, Austerlitz, Lodi, as plain in his face 
 As you do on that pillar of glory and brass,* 
 Which the poor Due dk B — Ri must hate so to pass I 
 It appears, too, he made — as most foreigners do — 
 About EngUsh affairs an odd blunder or two. 
 For example — misled by the names, I dare say — 
 
 He confounded Jack Castles with LordC on; 
 
 And — such a mistake as no mortal hit ever on — 
 Fancied the present Lord C — md — n the dexter one! 
 
 But politics ne'er were the sweet fellow's trade ; 
 'Twas for war and the ladies my Colonel was made. 
 And, oh, had you heard, as together we walk'd 
 Thro' that beautiful forest, how sweetly he talk'd ; 
 And how perfectly well he appear'd, Doll, to know 
 All the life and adventures of Jean Jacquks Rous- 
 seau ! — 
 
 • llic culumii ill the Place AViiiloiiie. 
 K 2
 
 132 
 
 " 'Twas there/' said he — not that his tmrds I ran 
 
 state — 
 'Twas a gibb'rish that Cupid alone could translatej — 
 r)Ut " there," said he (pointing where, small and 
 
 remote. 
 The dear Hermitage rose), *■' there his Jur.iK he 
 
 wrote, — 
 " Upon paper gilt-edg'd,* without blot or erasure ; 
 " Then sanded it over with silver and azure, 
 " And — oh, what will genius and fancy not do ? — 
 " Tied the leaves up together with nompareille blue 1" 
 What a trait of Rousseau ! what a crowd of emo- 
 tions 
 From sand and blue ribbons are conjur'd up here! 
 
 • " Eniployanf ponr ccla Ic plus benu papior. (lore, si^^cliant 
 .'ecrUiire avcc (k- la poudrc (Vazur ct d'argciit, et cousant nits 
 cabicrs avec dc la nompareillo bleuc" — I ts Cnvfes'iiojis, Fart 2, 
 Jiv. 9.
 
 133 
 
 Alas, that a man of such exquisite* notions 
 
 Should send his poor brats to the Foundling, my 
 dear! 
 
 " 'Twas here, too, perhaps," Colonel Cali cot said — 
 As down the small garden he pensively led — 
 (Though once I could see his sublime forehead 
 
 wrinkle 
 VVitJi rage not to find there the lov'd periwinkle^ t 
 
 • This word, " exquisite," is evidently a favourite of Miss 
 Fudge's; and I undcrstauii she was not a little angry wlien her 
 brother Bob committed a puu on the last two syllables of it in the 
 following couplet:— 
 
 " I'd fain ])raise your Poem — but tell me, liow is it 
 When / cry out " Exquisite," TLcho cries " quiz it P' 
 
 f Tlie flower whicli Rousseau brought into such fashion among 
 llie Parisians, by exclaiming one day, " Ah, voila de la ptr- 
 venclic!'^
 
 134 
 
 " 'Twas here he receiv'd from the fair D'Epinay, 
 " ( Who call'd him so sweetly/i^r&ar-,* every day,) 
 " That dear flannel petticoat, puU'd off to form 
 '' A waistcoat, to keep the enthusiast warm !" f 
 
 Such, Doll, were the sweet recollections we ponder'd, 
 As, full of romance, through that valley we wander' d. 
 The flannel (one's train of ideas, how odd it is !) 
 Led us to talk about other commodities. 
 Cambric, and silk, and — I ne'er shall forget. 
 For the sun %vas then hast'ning in pomp to its set, 
 
 * " Mon ours, voila votre asyle et vous, man ours, ne vien- 
 
 drezvous pas aussi?" &c. &c. 
 
 f'Uiijour, qu'il geloit trfes fort, en oiivraut uu paquet qu'elle 
 ni'envoyoit, je trouvai un petit jupou de flanelle d'Angleterre, 
 qu'elle me marquoit avoir porte, et dont elle vouioit que je me fisse 
 faire un gilet. Ce soin, plus qu' amical, me parut si tendre, comme 
 si elle se fut depouillce pour me vetir, que, dans mon emotion, je 
 baisai vingt fois eu pleurant le billet et le jupon,"
 
 135 
 
 And full on the Colonel's dark whiskers shone down, 
 When he ask'd me, with eagerness, — who made my 
 
 gown r 
 The question confus'd me — for,DoLL, you must know, 
 And I ought to have told my best friend long ago. 
 That, by Pa's strict command, I no longer employ* 
 That enchanting couturiere, Madame lk Roi, 
 liut am forc'd, dear, to have Victorine, who — 
 
 deuce take her! — 
 It seems is, at present, the King's mantua-maker — 
 I mean of his party — and, thougiimuch the smartest, 
 Le Roi is condemn'd as a rankBonapartist.f 
 
 • JMiss Biddy's nolioiis of French pronunciation may be perceived 
 in the rliymes which slie always selects for " Le Roi." 
 
 f LeRoi, who was the Couturitn: of the Empress Maria Louisa, 
 is at present, of course, out of fashion, and is succeeded in her 
 station by the Royalist niaiitua-niaker, YiCTOUiMi.
 
 130 
 
 Thiak^ Don., how confounded I luok'd — so well 
 
 knowing 
 The Colonel's opinions — n)y cheeks were quite glow- 
 ing j 
 I stammer'd out something — nay, even half nam'd 
 The legitimate sempstress, when, loud, he exclaim'd, 
 " Yes, yes, by the stitching 'tis plain to be seen 
 
 " It was made by that Bourbonite b h, Victo- 
 
 kinp: !" 
 What a word for a hero ! — but heroes tvill err. 
 And I thought, dear, I'd tell youthings/w^/asthey were. 
 Besides, though the word on good manners intrench, 
 1 assure you 'tis not half so shocking in French. 
 
 But thiscloud, though embarrassingjSoonpass'daway, 
 And the bliss altogether, the dreams of that day, 
 The thoughts that arise, when such dear fellows woo 
 
 us, — 
 The nolkiiigs that then, love, are everj/ thing to us —
 
 137 
 
 That ([uick correspondence of glances and sighs. 
 And what Bob calls the " Twopenny-Post of the 
 
 Eyes" 
 
 Ah Doll ! though I Icnmi^ you've a heart, 'tis in vain 
 To a heart so unpractis'd these things to explain. 
 They can only be felt, in their fulness divine. 
 By her who has waiider'd, at evening's decline, 
 Through a valley like that, with a Colonel like mine ! 
 
 But here I must finish — for Bob, my dear Dolly, 
 ^Vllom physic, I find, always makes melancholy, 
 Is seizM with a fancy for church-yard reflections ; 
 And, full of all yesterday's rich recollections. 
 Is just setting off for Montmartre — " for there is," 
 Said he, looking solemn, " the tomb of the Ve'rys ! * 
 
 ♦ II is the brother of the present excellent Restaurateur wlio 
 lies entombed so niagnilicently in the Cimetiere Montmartre. The 
 inscri[)tion on llie cohiiiin at the head of the tomb concludes with 
 the followiiii; words — " Tuute sa vie fut consacrce aux arU utilts."
 
 138 
 
 *' Long, long have 1 wish'tl, as a votary true, 
 
 " O'er the grave of such talents to utter my moans ; 
 " And, to-day — as my stomach is not in good cue 
 
 " For ihejiesh of the Ve'rys — I'll visit their bones!" 
 He insists upon 7ny going with him — how teasing ! 
 
 This letter, however, dear Dolly, shall lie 
 Unseal'd in my draw'r, that, if any thing pleasing 
 
 Occurs while I'm out, I may tell you — good bye. 
 
 B. F. 
 
 Four o'clock. 
 Oh Dolly, dear Dolly, I'm ruin'd for ever — 
 I ne'er shall be happy again, Dolly, never ! 
 To think of the wretch — what a victim was I ! 
 'Tis too much to endure — I shall die, I shall die — 
 My brain's in a fever — my pulses beat quick — 
 I shall die, or, at least, be exceedingly sick ! 
 Oh, what do you think ? after all my romancing, 
 My visions of glory, my sighing, my glancing.
 
 139 
 
 'ihis colonel — 1 scarce can commit it to paper — 
 This Colonel's no more than a vile linen-drajjer ! ! 
 Tis true as I live — I had coax'd brother Bob so 
 (You'll hardly make out what I'm writing, I sob so) 
 For some little gift on my birth-day — September 
 The thirtietli, dear, I'm eighteen;, you remember — 
 That KoB to a shop kindly order'd the coach, 
 
 (Ah, little I thought who the siioj-iman would prove) 
 To bespeak nie a few of those mouchuirs de poche. 
 Which, in happier hours, I have sigh'd for, my 
 
 love, — 
 (The most beautiful things — two Napoleons the 
 
 price — 
 And one's name in the corner embroider'd so nice!) 
 Well, with heart full of pleasure, I enter'd the shop, 
 But — ye Gods, what a phantom ! — I thought I should 
 
 drop —
 
 140 
 
 There he stood^ my dear Dolly— no room for a 
 doubt — 
 
 There, behind the vile counter, these eyes saw him 
 stand. 
 With a piece of French cambric, before him roll'd out, 
 • And that horrid yard-measure uprais'd in his hand ! 
 Oh — Papa, all along, knew the secret, 'tis clear — 
 'Twas a shopman he meant by a " Brandenburgh," 
 
 dear ! 
 The man, whom I fondly had fancied a King, 
 
 And, when tlial too delightful illusion was past. 
 As a hero had worshipp'd — vile, treacherous thing — 
 
 To turn out but a low linen-draper at last ! 
 My head swam around — the wretch smil'd, I believe. 
 But his smiling, alas, could no longer deceive— 
 1 fell back onBoB — my whole heart seem'd to wither — 
 And, pale as a ghost, I was carried back hither !
 
 141 
 
 I only remember that Rob, as I c;ui£^ht him, 
 
 \\'ith cruel facetionsness said — " curse the Ki(hly! 
 
 " A staunch Revohitionist always I've thouirht 
 him, 
 " But now I find out he's a Counter one, Biddy!" 
 
 Only think, my dear creature, if this should l>€ 
 
 known 
 To that saucy, satirical thing, Miss Malo.ve ! 
 \\ hat a story 'twill be at Shandangan for ever? 
 \\'hat laughs and what ([uizzing she'll have with 
 
 the men ! 
 It will spread through the country — and never, oh, 
 
 never 
 Can BiDUY be seen at Kilrandv again I 
 I'iirewcll — I shall do something desp'rate, I fear — 
 And, nh ! if my fate ever readies your ear,
 
 142 
 
 One tear of compassion my Doll will not grudge 
 To her poor — broken-hearted — young friend 
 
 Biddy Fudge. 
 
 Nota bene — I'm sure you will hear, with delight. 
 That we're going, all three, to see Brunkt to-night. 
 A laugh will revive me — and kind Mr. Cox 
 (Do you know him ?) has got us the G(n'ernor's box !
 
 NOTES. 
 
 oil tills learning, what a thins; it is! 
 
 Si! AKSPF.ARH.
 
 NOTES. 
 
 Page 16. 
 
 So Ferdmand embroiders gaili/. 
 It would be an edifying thing to write a history of the private 
 amusements of sovereigns, tracing them down from the fly-sticking 
 of Domitian, the niole-catchin£; of Artabanus, the hog-mimicking 
 of Parmenides, the horse-currying of Aretas, to the petticoat-em- 
 broidering of Ferdinand, and the patience-playing of tlie P e 
 
 R 1! 
 
 Page 24. 
 Your cicrst tea and loasl. 
 Is Mr. Bob aware that his contempt for tea renders him liable 
 to a charge of atheism? Such, at least, is the opinion cited in 
 Chiistian. Fahter. Amcpnitai. Philolog, — " Atheum interpretabatur 
 Iiominem ad herba The aversum." He would not, I think, have 
 been so irreverent to this beverage of scholars, if he had read 
 Peter Petii's Poem in praise of Tea, addressed to the learned 
 Jluet— or the Epigraphe which Pechlinus wrote for an altar he 
 meant to dedicate to this herb — or the Anacreontics of Peter 
 Francius, in v, hich he calls Tea
 
 146 
 
 Ihe tbllowing passage from one of these Anacreontics will, 1 
 Lave no doubt, be gratifying to all true Theists. 
 
 0EO»(, 3'tttlV Tf WOSTgl 
 
 Ev yj'jaiaii 7v.v(^Kn 
 Atioj TO vfJtTag Hj3>). 
 2e juot JfaxovotVTO 
 
 Ka)iai; yj\iia!ji, xagai. 
 WhicVi may be thus translated. 
 
 Yes, let Hebe, ever young, 
 
 High in beav'n her Nectar hold, 
 And to Jove's immortal throng 
 
 Pour the tide in cups of gold — 
 Vll not envy lieaven's Princes, 
 
 While, with snowy hands, for me, 
 Kate the china tea-cup rinses, 
 
 And pours out her best Bohea! 
 
 Page 36. 
 Here break we off, at this unhallow'd name. 
 The late lord C. of Ireland had a curious theory about names ; 
 — lie held that every man with three names was a jacobin. His 
 instances in Ireland were numerous: — viz. Archibald Hamilton 
 llovNan, Theobald WoliV Tone, James NapperTand^', John Philpot 
 Curran, &c. &c. and, in England, he produced as examples Charles
 
 147 
 
 James Fox, Richard Brinsley Sheridan, John Home Tooke, Francis 
 Bardett Jones, &c, &c. 
 
 The Romans called a thief " homo trium literarum." 
 Tun' trium literarum homo 
 Me vituperas ? Fur.* 
 
 Plautus, Aulular. Act 2. Scene 4. 
 
 Page 42. 
 
 r^e Testament, turn'd into melodrames nightly. 
 
 •' The Old Testament," says the theatrical Critic in the Gazette 
 
 fie France, '' is a mine of gold for the managers of our small piay- 
 
 housas. A multitude crowd round the Theatre de la Gaite every 
 
 evening to see the Passage of the Red Sea." 
 
 In the play-bill of one of these sacred me!o-drames at \'ienna, 
 we find " The Voice of G — d, by M. Schwartz." 
 
 Page 59. 
 
 Turns from his victims to his glees. 
 
 And has them both well executed. 
 
 How amply these two propensities of the Noble Lord would have 
 
 been gratified among that antient people of Etruria, who, as Aris- 
 
 • Dissaldeus supposes this word to be a glossema : — that is, he 
 thinks '' Fur" has made his escape from the margin into the text. 
 
 L 2
 
 148 
 
 totle tells us, used to whip their slaves once a year to the sound of 
 flutes! 
 
 Page 64. 
 Note. 
 No one can suspect Boileau of a sneer at his royal master, but 
 the following lines, intended for praise, look very like one. De- 
 scribing the celebrated passage of the Rhine, during which Louis 
 remained on the safe side of the river, he says 
 
 Louis, les animant du feu de son courage, 
 Se plaint de sa grandeur, qui I' attache au rivage! 
 
 Epit.4. 
 
 Page 90. 
 Till jive o'clock brings on that hour so momentous. 
 Had Mr. Bob's Dinner Epistle been inserted, I was prepared 
 ■with an abundance of learned matter to illustrate it, for which, as, 
 indeed, for all my " scientia pupina;,''* I am uidebted to a friend 
 in the Dublin University, — whose reading formerly lay in the magic 
 line ; but, in consequence of the Provosi's enlightened alarm at such 
 studies, he has taken to the authors " de re ciburia" instead j and 
 has left Bodin, liemigius, Agrippa and his little dog, Filiolus, for 
 ApiciuSf Nonius, and that most learned and savoury Jesuit, Bulcn- 
 fitrui.
 
 149 
 
 Page 90. 
 
 Note. 
 Lampreys, indeed, seem to have been always a favourite dish 
 with Kings — wlicther frorn somt congeniality between them and 
 that fisli, I know not ; but Dio Cassius tells us that Poliio fattened 
 liis lampreys with human blood. St. Louis of France was parti- 
 cularly foiul of iheni. — See the anecdote of Thomas Aquinas 
 eating up his majesty's lamprey, in a note upon Rabelais, llv. 3. 
 chap. 'J. 
 
 Page 117. 
 " Live bullion," saijs merciltss Boh, " whicJi I think 
 " Would, if co'm'd icith a little mint sauce, be delicious!" 
 Mv. Bob need not be ashamed of his cookery jolies, when he is 
 kept in countenance by such men us Cicero, St. Augustine, .ind 
 that jovial bishop, I'enanlius Fo-rtunatus. The pun of the great 
 orator upon the " jus Verrinum," whicli he calls bad hug-brolh, 
 from a play upon both the words, is well known; and the Saint's 
 puus upon the conversion of Lot's wife into salt arc. equally in- 
 genious: — "In salcm conversa hominibus fidelibiis quoddam prs- 
 stitit condimeiunm, quo .<opiant aliquid, undo illud caveatur e\- 
 eraplum." — de Civitat. Dei, Lih. 16, cap. ,3'). — The juki-s of the 
 pious favourite of Queen Radagunda, the convivial Bisho[i If- 
 nantius, may be found among his poems, in some lines against 
 a cook who had robbed him. The following is similar to dc.so'i 
 puh, 
 
 Vluijif.cctla Coci quani menjura vulcnt.
 
 150 
 
 See his poems, Corpus Poetar. Latin, Tom. 2, p. 1732. — Of 
 the same kind was Montmaur's joke, when a dish was spilt over 
 him — " summum jus, summa injuria;" and the same celebrated 
 parasite, in ordering a sole to be placed before him, said 
 Eligi cui dicas, tu mihi sola places. 
 
 The reader may likewise see, among a good deal of kitchen 
 erudition, the learned Lipsius's jokes on cutting up a capon in hk 
 Satumal. Sermon. Lib. 2. cap. 2. 
 
 Page 120. 
 Upon singing and cookery, Bobby, of course, 
 Standing up for the latter Fine Art in full force. 
 Cookery has been dignified by the researches of a Bacon ; (see 
 his Natural History, Receipts, &c.) and takes its station as one of 
 the Fine Arts in the following passage of Mr. Dtigald Stewart. — 
 " Agreeably to this view of the subject, sweet may be said to be 
 intrinsically pleasing, and hitter to be relatively pleasing ; which 
 both are, in many cases, equally essential to those effects, which, 
 in the art of cookery, correspond to that composite beauty, which 
 it is the object of the painter and of the poet to create." Philo- 
 sophical Eswys.
 
 llie following occasional pieces have already 
 appeared in my friend Mr. Peeey's paper, and 
 are here, " by desire of several persons of distinc- 
 tion," reprinted, 
 
 T. B.
 
 LINES ON THE DEATH OF MR. P-JIC— V— I.. 
 
 In the dirge we sung o'er him no censure was heard, 
 Unembitter'd and free did the tear-drop descend ; 
 
 We forgot, in that hour, how the statesman had err'd. 
 And wept for the husband, the father, and friend ! 
 
 Oh, proud was the meed his integrity won. 
 
 And gen'rous indeed were the tears that we shed, 
 
 When, in grief, we forgot all the ill he haii done. 
 And, though wrong'd by him, living, bcwail'd 
 him, when dead.
 
 154 
 
 Even noWj if one harsher emotion intrude, 
 'Tis to wish he had chosen some lowlier state, 
 
 Had known what he was — and, content to be good. 
 Had ne'er, for our ruin, aspir'd to be great. 
 
 So, left through their own little orbit to move. 
 His years might have roll'd inoffensive away ; 
 His children might still have been bless'd with his 
 love, 
 And England would ne'er have been curs'd witli 
 his sway.
 
 155 
 
 To the Editor of the Morning Chronicle. 
 Sir ; 
 In order to explain the following Fragment^ it is 
 necessary to refer your readers to a late florid de- 
 scription of the Pavilion at Brighton, in the apart- 
 ments of which, we are told, " FuM, The Chinese 
 Bird of Royalty " is a principal ornament. 
 
 I am, Sir^ yours, &c. 
 
 Mum. 
 
 FUM AND HUM, THE TWO BIRDS OF ROYALTY. 
 
 One day the Chinese Bird of Royalty, FuM, 
 ITius accosted our own Bird of Royalty, Hum, 
 In that Palace or China-shop (Brighton, which is it^) 
 Where Fum had just come to pay Hum a short visit, — 
 Near akin are these Birds, though they differ in 
 
 nation, 
 (The breed of the Hums is as old as creation)
 
 156 
 
 Both, full-craw'd Legitimates — both, birds of prey, 
 Both, cackling and ravenous creatures, half way 
 'Twixt the goose and the vulture, like Lord 
 
 C — STL GH ; 
 
 While FuM deals in Mandarins, Bonzes, Bohea, 
 Peers, Bishops, and Punch, Hum, are sacred to thee ! 
 So congenial their tastes, that, vv^hen Fum first did 
 
 light on 
 The floor of that grand China- warehouse at Brighton, 
 The lanterns, and dragons, and things round the 
 
 dome 
 Were so like what he left, *' Gad," says FuM, 
 
 " I'm at home." — 
 And when, turning, he saw Bishop L ge, 
 
 " Zooks, it is," 
 Quoth the Bird, " yes — 1 know him — a Bonze, by 
 
 his phyz —
 
 157 
 
 " And that jolly old idol he kneels to so low 
 
 " Can be none but our round-about godhead, fat 
 
 Fo!" 
 It chanc'd, at this moment, th' Episcopal Prig 
 
 Was imploring the P E to dispense with his wig/ 
 
 Which the Bird, overhearing, flew high o'er his head. 
 And some ToBiT-like marks of his patronage shed. 
 Which so dimm'd the poor Dandy's idolatrous eye. 
 That, while FuM cried " oh Fo !" all the Court 
 
 cried " oh fie !" 
 
 But, a truce to digression — these Birds of a feather 
 Thus talk'd, t'other night, on State matters together 
 
 (The P- E just in iied, or about to depart for't, 
 
 His legs full of gout, and his arms fall of ,) 
 
 • In consequence of aii old promise, that he should be allowed 
 to Avcar his own hair, whenever he raiglit be elevated to a 
 Biiliopric by his 11 1 H ss.
 
 158 
 
 " I say, Hum," says FuM — FuJM, of course, spoke 
 
 Chinese, 
 But, bless you, that's nothing — at Brighton one 
 
 sees 
 Foreign lingoes and Bishops translated with ease — 
 " I say. Hum, how fares it with Royalty now ? 
 " Is it up? is it prime? is it spooney — or how?'' 
 (The Bird had just taken a flash-man's degree 
 
 Under B B, Y th, and young Master 
 
 L ) 
 
 " As for us in Pekin" here, a dev'l of a din 
 
 From the bed-chamber came, where that long Man- 
 darin, 
 
 C — STL GH ( whom FuM calls the Confusius of 
 
 Prose) 
 Was rehearsing a speech upon Europe's repose 
 To the deep, double bass of the fat Idol's nose !
 
 159 
 
 (Nota bene — his Lordship and L— v — RP — L come. 
 
 In collateral lines, from the old Mother Hum, 
 
 C — STL GH a Hum- bug — L — v — rp — l a Hum- 
 
 drum.) 
 The Speech being finlsh'd, out rush'd C — stl — GH, 
 Saddled Hum in a hurry, and, whip, spur, away! 
 Through the regions of air, like a Snip on his hobby, 
 Ne'er paus'd, till he lighted in St. Stephen's lobby.
 
 LINES ON THE DEATH OF SH— R— D— N. 
 
 Principibus placuisse viris. — Horat. 
 
 YeS;, grief will have way — but the fast falling tear 
 Shall be mingled with deep execrations on those. 
 
 Who could bask in that Spirit's meridian career. 
 And yet leave it thus lonely and dark at its close : — 
 
 Whose vanity flew round him, only while fed 
 
 By the odour his fame in its summer-time gave ; — 
 
 Whose vanity now, with quick scent for the dead. 
 Like the Ghole of the East, comes to feed at his 
 trravc !
 
 161 
 
 Oh ! it sickens the heart to see bosoms so hollow. 
 And spirits so mean in the great and liigh-born j 
 
 To think what a long line of titles may follow 
 The relics of him who died — friendless and lorn 1 
 
 How proud tiiey can press to the fun'ral array 
 Of one, whom they shunn'd in his sickness and 
 sorrow : — 
 
 How bailiffs may seize his last blanket, to-day, 
 \V'hose pall shall be held up by nobles, to-morrow ! 
 
 And Thou, too, whose life, a sick e[)icure's dream, 
 Incoherent and gross, even grosser hail pass'd. 
 
 Were it not for that cordial and soul-giving beam, 
 \Miich his fricJidship and wit oer thy nothingness 
 ca-^t : — 
 
 No, not for the wealth of the land,, that .supplies thee 
 W^ith millions to heap upon Foppery's shrine ; — 
 
 M
 
 162 
 
 No, not for the riches of all who despise thee, 
 Tlio' this would make Europe's whole opulence 
 mine 3 — 
 
 Would I suffer what — ev'n in the heart that thou 
 hast — 
 All mean as it is — must have consciously burn'd, 
 Wlien the pittance, \vhich shame had wrung from 
 thee at last, 
 And Avhich found all his wants at an end, was 
 returu'd ! * 
 
 " Was this then the fate!" — future ages will say, 
 Wlien some names sliall live but in history's curse; 
 
 When Truth will be lieard, and these Lords of a day 
 Be forgotten as fools, or remember'd as worse ; — 
 
 * Tlic Slim was two liuiHlrcd ])oiiiids — offered \vli('ri Sli-r-d-n 
 could no longer take any sustenance, and dcelined, for liiin, hv 
 liis frierufs
 
 163 
 
 ~' Was this then the fate of that high-gifted man, 
 " The pride of the palace, the bower and the hall, 
 
 ■' The orator — dramatist — minstrel, — who ran 
 ■' Through eacli mode of the lyre, and was master 
 of all ! 
 
 " Whose mind was an essence, comj)ounded with art 
 
 '•' From the finest and best of all other men's 
 
 powers ; — 
 
 " Wlio ruled, like a wizard, the world of the heart, 
 
 '■' And coidd call up its sunshine, or bring down 
 
 its showers ! 
 
 '■ Whose humour, as gay as the fire-fly's light, 
 " riay'd round every subject, and shone as it 
 plav'd ; — 
 
 ■' Whose wit, in the combat, as gentle as bright, 
 •' Neer carried a heart-stain away on its blade j —
 
 164 
 
 " Whose eloquence — bright'ning whatever it tried, 
 '' Whether reason or fancy, the gay or the grave, — ■ 
 
 *' Was as rapid, as deep, and as brilliant a tide, 
 " As ever bore Freedom aloft on its wave !" 
 
 Yes—such was the man, and so wretched his fate ; — 
 And thus, sooner or later, shall all have to grieve, 
 
 Whowaste their morn's devi' in the beams of the Great, 
 And expect 'twill return to refresh them at eve ! 
 
 In the woods of the North there are insects that prey 
 On the brain of the elk till his very last sigh ; * 
 
 Oh, Genius ! thy patrons, more cruel tlian tliey. 
 First feed on tl\y brains, and then leave thee to die! 
 
 * Natunilijis imve ohsu'ved that, upon dissecting an elk, there 
 ivas found in its licud some large llics, with its bruin ahiiost eaten 
 nwuy by them. — Iliftory of Poland.
 
 EPISTLE 
 
 FROM 
 
 lOM CRIBB TO BIG BEX 
 
 tONdiUMNG SOME I OL'L PLAV I\ A LATE TRANSACTION.' 
 
 " Ahi, iniu Ben !" — Metastasio. f 
 
 What ! Bkn, my old iiero, is this your renown ? 
 Is this the new ;^o? — kick a man when he's down! 
 When the foe has knock'd under, to tread on him 
 
 then — 
 By the fist of my father, I blush for thee, Ben ! 
 '•' Foul ! foul !" all the lads of the fancy exclaim — 
 
 * \V)iHfii -^liDii alttr Boiiajjiirtu's tiMnsportaliun to St. Helena. 
 
 f Tom, I suppose, was " assisted" to this Motto by Mr. Jackson, 
 wlio, it is ".veil known, keeps the most learned company going.
 
 166 
 
 Charley Shock is electrified — Belcher spits 
 
 flame — 
 AndMoLYNEUX — ay, even Blacky cries "shame!" 
 Time was, when John Bull little difference spied 
 'Twixt the foe at his feet, and the friend at his side ; 
 When he found (such his humour in fighting and 
 
 eating) 
 His foe, like his beef-steak, the sweeter for beating — 
 But this conies. Master i^EN, of your curst foreign 
 
 notions. 
 Your trinkets, wigs, thingumbobs, gold lace and 
 
 lotions 5 
 Your Noyaus, Curacjoas, and theDevil knows what — 
 (One swig of Blue Jlniii* is worth the whole lot !) 
 Your great and small o-osacs — (my eyes, what a 
 
 brood ! 
 A cross-buttock from mc would do some of them 
 
 good !) 
 
 ♦ Gin.
 
 167 
 
 \\'hich liave spoilt you, till hardly a drop^ my old 
 
 porpoise, 
 Of pure English chtret is left in your corpses ; 
 And (as Jim savs) the only one trick, good or bad. 
 Of the fancy vou're up to, is Jihhing, my lad ! 
 Hence it comes, — l^oxi ana, disgrace to thy page ! — 
 Having lloor'd, JDy good luck, the first i'lie/Zof the age^ 
 Ha^ing contpier'd the prime one, that miird us all 
 
 round, 
 You kick'd hiui, oldliEx, ashegasp'd on the ground ! 
 Ay — ^just at the time to show spunk, if you'd got 
 
 any — ■ 
 Kick'd him, and jaw'd him, and lag'd* him to 
 
 Botany ! 
 Oh, shade of the Cheescmoiiga- ! f you, who, alas ! 
 Doubled up, by the dozen, those 3Iounseers in brass, 
 
 * Transported. 
 
 f A Life Guard?ni:ui, one of ihc I'micii, \\]\(> disiiiiguished liini- 
 self, and was killed in the nieniorat)!e set-to at Waterloo.
 
 168 
 
 On that great day of miUing, when Wood lay in lakes, 
 When Kings held the bottle, Jind Europe the stakes, 
 Look down upon Ben — see him, dunghill all o'c*. 
 Insult tlie fall'n foe, that can harm him no more ; 
 Out, cowardly spooney ! — again and again. 
 By the fist of my father, 1 blush for tiiee, Ben. 
 To shew the tvhite feather is many men's doom. 
 But, what of one feather? — Ben shows a ivhole Plume. 
 
 IHE END. 
 
 1. DAVISON, LOMBAUD-STRKET, WHITEFRIVBS. I,ONDON.
 
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