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 THE QEORae E. LASK COLLECTION 
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 A Farce in Three Acts
 
 2013983
 
 CAST 
 
 PARKS An English Servant 
 
 SUSIE From Sioux City, a Maid 
 
 OTTILIE HOWELL A Bride 
 
 Miss WINNECKER From Yonkers, the Aunt 
 
 DAPHNE CHARTERS Ottilie's Sister 
 
 NICHOLAS KING A Stranger 
 
 NED PEMBROKE, JR An Only Son 
 
 GEORGE HOWELL A Bridegroom 
 
 DOUGHERTY .A Police Sergeant 
 
 JIM MOONEY A Policeman 
 
 CLANCY ' Another 
 
 MRS. FLEMING Who Owns the Apartment 
 
 VERA VERNON A Show Girl 
 
 MRS. PEMBROKE. . .... .From Boston 
 
 The play is in three acts : The scene represents the 
 drawing-room of Mrs. Fleming's apartment on Riverside 
 Drive, New York City; early spring this year.
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 ACT I 
 
 SCENE : When the curtain is half way up the door-bell 
 rings. Parks enters R I, crossing front of desk to R C, 
 then up toward door L C. When he reaches a position near 
 upstage end of sofa, the door-bell stops ringing and 'phone 
 on desk rings. He turns sharply and goes toward 'phone. 
 When he is nearly to desk R C, 'phone ceases door-bell 
 rings. This business is repeated three times. Parks grow- 
 ing more and more confused, he finally takes coin from 
 pocket and flips it. Indicates that door-bell wins, goes to 
 door. When Parks flips coin, door-bell stops. During 
 above coo-coo and clock ring fire off R j. 
 
 i 
 
 Voice (outside). Paper! 
 
 (Parks opens door, takes paper. Parks crosses with 
 paper to desk, lifts receiver of telephone.) 
 
 Parks Are you there? Well? What is it? No, sir, 
 this is the apartment of Mrs. Fleming. It's her apartment, 
 but Mr. Howell lives here. No with 'is own wife! Mrs. 
 Fleming lives 'ere when she's home but she's not 'ome. Mr. 
 Howell is living here, now, but he's not home. We expect 
 him in any minute, and I'm the butler. What do you mean 
 you are sorry you woke me up? I've been up! From 
 Boston. No, I'm not from Boston. No. I'm from London. 
 
 Ottily (calls from off stage upsteps R 3) Parks! Oh, 
 Parks ! 
 
 Parks Yes, mum? 
 
 Ottily Was that Mr. Howell? 
 
 Parks No, mum. It was someone wanting Mr. Howell, 
 mum. 'E wouldn't leave 'is name. 
 
 Ottily (wailing) Oh, dear, oh, dear! 
 
 Parks You'd think he had been away for a year.
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 (Takes newspaper from desk. Enter Susie R I with 
 time-table.) 
 
 Parks Hello, Susan. Where you going? 
 
 Susie (Xing to C) Sioux City. 
 
 Parks (comes to L of desk) No, no. I mean now. 
 What you doing with that time-table again? 
 
 Susie (X to sofa) I just found a quarter and I want 
 to see how far that'll take me. It's eighteen dollars to 
 Chicago. It's six seventy-five to Burlington. It's 
 
 Parks (bored) Yes, yes, yes, I know. You told me all 
 that before. 
 
 Susie Well, I like to talk about it. 
 
 Parks Oh, Crikey, talk about something else. You've 
 talked of nothing but Sioux City since you came 'ere. 
 
 Susie It's a grand town. 
 
 Parks (L of desk, R C) 7 never heard of it! (Sit L 
 of desk.) 
 
 Susie (on sofa) Well, you have to get close to it to do 
 that. It's a quiet town. 
 
 Parks Must be since you left it. Oh, I say, now. That 
 was a good one. Ha, ha ! wasn't it ? What ? I am picking 
 up a lot of these American things over 'ere. 
 
 Susie (crosses to him) You'd better pick up your feet 
 and go home and join the army. 
 
 Parks Susan ! 
 
 Susie What are you doing? Reading the morning paper? 
 
 Parks The afternoon edition just come. 
 
 Susie Find out where the "Perils of Pauline" is playing. 
 
 Parks What's that? 
 
 Susie (go L to L C) Moving pictures. The pickled 
 drama. 
 
 Parks Oh, Crickey! A dreadful wreck on the New 
 Haven and Hartford. 
 
 Susie Read the news. I read that last week! 
 
 Parks This is another one ! Wreck. 
 
 Susie (on sofa) They never have anything like that on 
 the C. B. and Q. (Looks at time-table.) 
 
 Parks The C. B. and Q. ? 
 
 Susie (slip time-table under cushioned seat of sofa) 
 Chicago, Burlington and Quincy the Come Back Quick ! 
 route. You change cars 
 
 Parks (seated L of desk) Missouri Valley. I could go 
 there in my sleep.
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Susie Oh, you better wait till you get there for that. 
 
 Parks Big robbery in Boston ! 
 
 Susie (cross to him) How many killed? 
 
 Parks (X front of desk to R) No one was killed. 
 
 Susie Then there wasn't any robbery. They never give 
 it up in Boston unless you kill them. I know. I've worked 
 there. (Go L to L C). 
 
 Parks (R) Mrs. John Pembroke's famous ruby neck- 
 lace stolen ! 
 
 Susie (at sofa) Mrs. John Pembroke? 
 
 Parks Mrs. John Pembroke. Why, that's the mother of 
 the young man who comes here ! 
 
 Susie (X to him) Mr. Ned oh, yes. He said I could 
 get a scalped ticket from 
 
 Parks (R of desk) The jewels were purchased from a 
 celebrated Indian potentate who had lost his private fortune 
 at Monte Carlo. 
 
 Susie Where ? 
 
 Parks (R of desk) Monte Carlo! 
 
 Susie (L of desk) I've been there! 
 
 Parks Monte Carlo? 
 
 Susie (L of desk) Oh, I thought you said Montreal. 
 
 Parks (R of desk) Where on earth is that? 
 
 Susie It ain't on earth. It's in IOWA. 
 
 Parks They were presented to Mrs. Pembroke and are 
 valued at thirty thousand dollars ! 
 
 Susie My Gawd, and I only need twenty-two fifty! 
 (Sit L of desk). 
 
 Parks (drop down a little) Thirty thousand dollars 
 six thousand pounds. 
 
 Susie Pounds of what? 
 
 Parks Not pounds of what. Money money English 
 money ! 
 
 Susie No good in Sioux City. 
 
 Parks (up to R of desk) Good anywhere the sun shines. 
 
 Susie Then how can they spend it in London ? 
 (Laughs.) I read in a book 
 
 Parks (sits R of desk)- I don't care what you read in 
 a book. Listen to this: Mrs. Pembroke ( seated "j^of desk) 
 had worn the jewels to the DeLancey ball. On her return 
 she placed it on her dressing-table in a red leather case. 
 A few hours later, she awakened to find a man in her 
 room
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Susie (rise) Oh, joy! 
 
 Parks (rise, drop down R) Susie! (Reading.) She 
 screamed and although several servants came to her aid, 
 the thief managed to make his escape carrying the neck- 
 lace with him. Mrs. Pembroke is prostrated. 
 
 Susie What's that? 
 
 Parks Indisposed neurasthetically inclined. 
 
 Susie Besides being robbed ? Terrible ! 
 
 Parks The set originally consisted of a tiara, ear-rings, 
 necklace, bracelets and a stomacher. 
 
 Susie What? They stole her stomach? 
 
 Parks No! A stomacher! 
 
 Susie What's a stomacher? 
 
 Parks Oh, the ignorance of our allies ! A stomacher is 
 a jewelled ornament worn here! 
 
 Susie (L of desk) She wears ornaments on her stom- 
 ach? Hanging up and down and dangling like? 
 
 Parks (down R) Exactly. 
 
 Susie What kind of party was she at? 
 
 Parks I don't know! It doesn't say. Meanwhile Mrs. 
 Pembroke offers a thousand dollars reward! (To R of 
 desk lay paper down.) 
 
 Susie (L of desk drop down) A thousand dollars? 
 
 Parks A cool thousand. If you had that much, Susan, 
 you could go home in a jolly rush ! 
 
 Susie If I had that much, I wouldn't rush! I'd stop 
 off at Des Moines. (Cross to L C.) (Puts time-table under 
 cushion.) 
 
 Parks (cross front of desk to Susie) (Mysteriously) 
 Do you know, Susan, I think this Mr. Howell has been 
 acting very strangely. I heard him promise 'er (beckoning 
 with thumb) 'ed be home last night. He promised faith- 
 ful! 
 
 Susie (L C) I know. If I had a husband that'd go away 
 and leave me the day after the wedding, I know what I'd do. 
 
 Parks (C) If you had a husband, Susie, he wouldn't go 
 away and leave you the day after the wedding! 
 
 Susie (L C) No? 
 
 Parks (C) 'ed go on the day before! (Cross to R C 
 front of chair L of desk.) 
 
 Susie Well, you don't catch Mr. Howell doing what's 
 wrong. He's a lawyer. 
 
 8
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Parks (to her L C) They're the worst kind. They 
 know just 'ow far to go. Lawyers are so technical ! 
 
 Susie What's that take-a-nickel ? 
 
 Parks Not take a nickel, Susie ! Technical. Technical 
 is I mean to say technical ! Oh, you don't have to 
 know what it means ! 
 
 Susie (L C) Parks, I hope you don't use no language 
 in my presence what you can't explain to me the usage ! 
 
 (Ottily enters down steps worried, anxious.) 
 
 Ottily (as she .comes down, Parks goes up to C, L of stairs 
 and comes down to above chair L of desk after Ottily has 
 passed him. Susie at up stage end of sofa during this. 
 Ottily crosses front of table to sofa sits on down stage 
 end) Any word from Mr. Howell? 
 
 Susie No, ma'am. (Ready 'phone.) 
 
 Ottily (on sofa) Something must have happened to him ! 
 
 Susie He'll turn up, ma'am. Men always do ! 
 
 Ottily (on sofa) He was to have been here last night. 
 No word from him this morning and here it is afternoon! 
 
 Parks (R C above desk) So it is, ma'am! (Glances at 
 window, unconsciously puts right hand on 'phone.) 
 
 Susie (L C) Now, ma'am, don't take on so. You're 
 all excited. Calm yourself ! 
 
 Ottily Oh, Susie, I'm sure something has happened to 
 him. I had an awful dream ! 
 
 Susie A dream, ma'am? 
 
 Ottily There was a train-wreck and Mr. Howell was 
 killed. It was as plain as it could be! I thought I was 
 sitting here on this couch and suddenly the 'phone rang 
 an ('Phone rings. 'Phone.) (All start. Parks 
 
 snatches hand from 'phone.) My God! My dream! He's 
 been killed ! I knew it ! I knew it ! 
 
 Parks Perhaps it would be as well to find out, ma'am. 
 Shall I answer it? (Ready bell.) 
 
 Ottily Yes. (Bell.) No! (Stop.) Yes. (Bell.) No! 
 (Stop.) Yes. (Bell.) But I don't want to hear it ! (She 
 covers her ears.) 
 
 Parks (R C at 'phone) Are you there? 
 
 Susie (L C) Where do you think he is? Brooklyn? 
 
 Parks (R C aside to Susie) Shut up! Well? What r 
 Who ? Eh ? Oh ! It's your aunt, ma'am. 
 
 Susie Is she killed? 
 
 Parks No.
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Susie That's too bad. 
 
 Ottily (rises, goes to L of desk) Thank God! My 
 Aunt? Are you sure? 
 
 Parks (crosses to door L C) Yes, mum. She's on her 
 way up! (Bell.) 
 
 Ottily (L of desk) My aunt? What would bring her 
 here. 
 
 Susie (L up R C) Calm yourself, ma'am. Things could 
 be worse ! 
 
 (Daphne and Auntie enter. Aunt first L C.) (Daphne 
 carries a black traveling bag. Auntie carries news- 
 paper.) 
 
 Ottily (R C) Auntie! 
 
 Auntie (C) My dear child! (They embrace C.) 
 Daphne (up L C near door, handing bag to Parks) 
 Parks! (Parks crosses to C from L C, hands bag to Susie, 
 who takes it off R I and comes immediately back to R of 
 desk, Parks to window L opens curtains ; all this business 
 is simultaneous.) (Daphne X to C.) Sister! 
 
 Ottily (X to C) And Daphne! (They kiss.) What 
 has brought you all the way from Yonkers ? You didn't say 
 a word about coming yesterday. 
 
 Auntie No, but I was worried even then. 
 Ottily (C) (Startled.) Worried? 
 
 Auntie (L of desk. Lays paper on desk. Looking 
 about) Of course George is at business? 
 
 Ottily (on sofa) Oh oh ye-es, of course! (Susie 
 snorts.) Susan Parks that will do! 
 
 Parks (starts towards R I, stops up R C) Very good, 
 mum. 
 
 Susie (R of desk) Oh! For the love of Mike! I've 
 lost it! 
 
 (This line must arrest attention of audience. The line 
 "I lost it it's lost" must be repeated often during the 
 following business. Susie dashes to desk R side, search- 
 ing madly on it for something. Circles above desk to 
 L side searches on desk books under cushion of 
 chair L of desk; then dashes, to sofa, tumble pillows 
 about, lift up seat cushion of sofa, finally discovers 
 C. B. & Q. time-table under cushion of sofa where 
 she put it earlier in act. Having found time-table, her 
 excitement subsides instantly. She crosses to door 
 R I and exits reading time-table. During the above 
 
 10
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 business Daphne is down L below piano. Ottily up 
 L C near up stage end of sofa. Auntie down C cross- 
 ing R as Susie circles to L of desk. Aunt taking posi- 
 tion R of desk. As Susie starts to circle above desk 
 in working to left of same. Parks letting her pass in 
 front of him, moves down R keeping above door to 
 give Susie a clean exit. All feed the scene with Ad lib. 
 business.) (Bus. looking for schedule.) 
 
 Parks She thinks she's in the subway ! Stand on your 
 dignity, Susan ! 
 
 Auntie (down R C) What ails the girl? 
 
 Ottily Susie ! (Etc. ad lib.) 
 
 Susie (finds the schedule) My C. B. & Q ! 
 
 Auntie (comes down R of desk) What's the matter with 
 Susie? Has she lost her mind? 
 
 Parks No, ma'am, she's lost her schedule. (Exit R I.) 
 
 Ottily (to sofa, sit) Never mind her, tell me what 
 brought you here, auntie? 
 
 Auntie (to R of desk sit) Well, if you want the truth, 
 I've been worried sick about you. 
 
 Ottily About me? Why? 
 
 Auntie For many reasons ! I never slept a wink on your 
 wedding night. 
 
 Ottily Why, Auntie, what kept you awake? 
 
 Auntie I was uneasy. I couldn't help it. Your husband 
 may be all right, my dear. I've no proof that he's not. 
 
 Ottily Why, Auntie, what do you mean? 
 
 Auntie Remember, Ottily, you only knew this man two 
 weeks before you married him! Think of it { Two iveeks! 
 
 Ottily You can learn a lot of things in two weeks. 
 
 Auntie Yes ! That's why I'm still single ! 
 
 Daphne Goodness, Auntie, single all these years ! What 
 an awful time you've had getting acquainted with men! 
 
 Auntie Daphne ! 
 
 Ottily Well, I have George, that's all I care to know. 
 
 Auntie Suppose he had another wife somewhere. 
 
 Ottily Oh, Auntie, how ridiculous ! 
 
 Auntie Oh, suppose he took fits ? 
 
 Ottily and Daphne Fits, Aunty? 
 
 Auntie (circle above desk to Ottily C) Fits! My cousin 
 Sallie in Mount Kisco married a man she'd known a month 
 a handsome fellow a real-estate, man! He was just as 
 gentlemanly as anyone you ever saw. You couldn't see a 
 
 ii
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 thing wrong with him ! But three days after the wedding 
 he took a fit and chased her out into the hall of the hotel 
 with nothing on but a bath-towel and a very small bath- 
 towel at that! 
 
 Daphne How terrible if she'd met anybody she knew ! 
 (At end of sofa.) Yes, they might have recognized her. 
 
 Ottily George would never do anything like that. It's 
 perfectly ridiculous of you to think of such things. 
 
 Auntie (embracing her) I can't help it! After all, I 
 brought you up. You're just the same as my own child 
 and I'm worried about your living here with a perfect 
 stranger ! 
 
 Ottily Stranger! But he's my husband, Auntie! 
 
 Auntie Even so ! 
 
 Ottily He was meant to be my husband ! We fell in love 
 with each other at first sight and neither of us had ever 
 looked at anyone else. It was Destiny made me marry him. 
 It was Fate that brought him to Yonkers. 
 
 -Daphne Coming to Yonkers isn't Fate. It's a calamity. 
 (Sits on sofa and leaves vanity case on sofa down stage 
 end.) 
 
 Auntie (goes to R, sits on bench) I told Daphne I could 
 not draw another easy breath until I had been here to see 
 for myself that you were all right ! 
 
 Daphne (rise to Ottily) You are all right, aren't you? 
 
 Ottily (C) -You can't imagine how wildly, madly, glori- 
 ously happy I am or rather how happy I was 
 
 Daphne (L C)Was? 
 
 Ottily (C) Until George went away! 
 
 Auntie (goes to her, R C)WHAT? 
 
 Daphne (L C) George went away? 
 
 Ottily (C, to Daphne) He he had to go on on 
 Wednesday ! 
 
 Auntie (R C) The day after your wedding? 
 
 Daphne (L C) Why, ivhat do you mean? 
 
 Auntie (R C) Your husband deserted you the day after 
 your wedding? 
 
 Ottily (C to Auntie) Don't say deserted, Aunty. He 
 was called away to Cleveland on business. 
 
 Auntie (crowding Ottily L a little) George Howell went 
 off on a business trip the day after your wedding? 
 
 Ottily Yes. 
 
 12
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Auntie (to R C a step) There's something wrong about 
 that man ! 
 
 Ottily (follow) But I told him to go! It meant money, 
 and when you are married, you've got to think of such 
 things ! 
 
 Auntie (turns on her) I suppose that's what HE told 
 you? 
 
 Ottily (hesitates) Yes. 
 
 Auntie (R C) And what WAS this important business, 
 I should like to know? 
 
 Ottily (C) It was something concerning a client. (Go 
 L and turns.) He couldn't reveal it to anyone! (Go L.) 
 
 Auntie (follow a step) Not even to you, his wife? 
 
 Ottily That's what he said. 
 
 Auntie (to R of desk) Daphne, I don't like the look 
 of this at all. Not at all! He hasn't acted as if he were 
 very glad to be with you ! 
 
 Daphne (goes L) I should think he would have made 
 any sacrifice to have his honey-moon in peace ! 
 
 (Ottily is alone C.) 
 
 Ottily (to L of desk) But we are going to be together 
 all the rest of our lives and and he was only going to be 
 gone for two days ! 
 
 Auntie (leaning over desk R of it) Two days? But 
 he's been away four already! 
 
 Ottily (L of desk) He intended to come back last night. 
 I'll surely hear from him to-day. (Goes C.) 
 
 Auntie (circle below desk to Ottily C) You haven't even 
 heard from him since he's been away? 
 
 Ottily (C) N-n-no, not y-yet! 
 
 Daphne (to Ottily L C) Well, that is rather strange! 
 
 Ottily (C) No. He told me he wouldn't be able to 
 write. 
 
 Auntie Ha ! 
 
 Ottily For business reasons. 
 
 Auntie (R C) Well, isn't he friendly with the Western 
 Union ? 
 
 Daphne (L C) How do you know he even zvent to 
 Cleveland ? 
 
 Auntie (crowding Ottily L a little) Did you see his 
 ticket ? 
 
 Ottily (just L of C) Of course not. 
 
 13
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Auntie (C) Cleveland! (Jumping up.) I just remem- 
 bered. Where is that paper I brought in with me? 
 
 (X R to desk. Daphne X quickly front of Ottily to 
 Aunt.) 
 
 Ottily (C) What's the matter, Auntie? 
 
 Daphne (R C) Parks, the paper. 
 
 Auntie (at desk R of Daphne) There was something 
 in it about an awful wreck somewhere. (Parks enters R I 
 and steps down R. She takes paper from desk.) Pve got 
 it. Yes here it is. BOSTON FLIER WRECKED 
 NEAR HARTFORD. 
 
 Ottily (sinks on sofa. Aunt drops paper C. Aunt and 
 Daphne rush to comfort her. Aunt sits above her. Daphne 
 below her on sofa) O, I knew it! I dreamed it! 
 
 Auntie Perhaps it's for the best, my dear. 
 
 Parks (comes to C, picks up paper) If you'll pardon 
 me, mum, I thought Mr. Howell went to Cleveland? 
 
 Ottily (on sofa) He did! He did! 
 
 Parks (C) Well, mum, I've been long enough in the 
 country to know that the Boston Flier don't go anywhere 
 near Cleveland, mum. 
 
 Ottily (on sofa) No? 
 
 Parks (C) Oh, no, mum. Cleveland is in Dakota 
 while Boston is in Rhode Island. Opposite directions, mum ! 
 
 Auntie (she sees Parks with paper, X to him C and takes 
 paper from him) Parks! I'll take my paper if you have 
 quite finished! (Sits L of desk reading paper.) 
 
 Parks (goes up C a little) Beg pardon, mum. I was 
 interested in the robbery. 
 
 Ottily (on sofa) Robbery? I thought it was a wreck? 
 
 Parks (up C) Yes, mum, both, mum. A robbery in 
 Boston. Mrs. Pembroke's rubies stolen. 
 
 Daphne (rise to him) Mrs. Pembroke? Mrs. John 
 Pembroke ? 
 
 (Ready bell.) 
 
 Parks (C) Yes, Miss. 
 Ottily (on sofa) Robbed, you say? 
 
 Parks Yes, mum. (Bending over Auntie's shoulder, 
 reading.) 
 
 Daphne (to Ottily) My goodness! Ned's mother! 
 
 (Parks is bending over Auntie so that his face is very 
 near her's though a little back of her. On the line 
 "Look, dear !" she puts her left arm up and around his 
 
 14
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 face, drawing his head down to hers, not realizing he 
 is not Daphne until their faces touch. The three gasp. 
 Parks jumps away embarrassed and starts toward R I, 
 circling above desk, and making exit R I just after 
 Ottily's line "Parks, I think we'd like some tea.") 
 Auntie (bus.) So it is! Look, dear! 
 Ottily Parks ! I think we'll have some tea ! 
 Parks (down R) Very good, mum. (Exit R I.) 
 Daphne (quickly to Aunt bends reading) Jewels valued 
 at thirty thousand dollars ! Think of it ! Came right into 
 her bedroom and took them from her dressing-table ! 
 Auntie (L of desk) A thousand dollars reward! 
 Daphne (C, turns to Ottily) Imagine a man's getting 
 into her bedchamber at night ! 
 (Enter Parks R with tea.) 
 
 Auntie What desperate chances some men take! 
 Parks The tea, mum ! 
 
 (Parks and Auntie exchange looks. Parks places tea 
 on desk BELL RINGS. Parks Xes above desk to 
 up R C.) BELL. 
 
 Ottily (rising gladly) That must be George! (Rushes 
 to door, peeps out, closes door and comes to down C fright- 
 ened.) An awful looking man. 
 Auntie (rising) Don't let him in. 
 
 (Auntie and Daphne cross quickly to R and exit R I. 
 
 Pause.) BELL. 
 
 Parks (above desk) Leave him to me, ma'am. BELL. 
 
 Ottily (going toward door R I) Yes, Parks. You 
 
 answer it. I'm so nervous ad lib. 
 
 (Exit R I. Parks to door, hesitates, opens door. King 
 brushes past him and comes C. Parks follows. King 
 carries a large tan leather travelling bag.) 
 Parks (down to C, R of King) May I awsk your busi- 
 ness, sir? 
 
 King (L C, drops grip on sofa, end with G. H. on it 
 toward audience) You may awsk, but I may not tell you. 
 Parks (C) Then let me tell you, sir, you've been most 
 rude, sir, in 
 
 King (L C) Wait my dream is out. Been! Now I've 
 got you. You're the gink I had on the telephone a moment 
 ago. (Parks glares at him C.) Ain't you the guy? 
 Parks (C) No, sir; I'm the butler. 
 
 15
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 King (L C) Well, I want to see the owner of this apart- 
 ment. 
 
 Parks (C) He's in Europe, sir. 
 
 King (L C) Don't lie to me. On the telephone you 
 said he was expected any minute. 
 
 Parks (C) Oh, you mean the man who lives here. 
 
 King (L C) Wake up! Yes, yes< use your noodle! 
 Use your noodle ! 
 
 Parks (C) Mr. Fleming owns the apartment; he's my 
 master and he's traveling in Europe. We've sublet the 
 apartment to Mr. 'Owell ! 
 
 King Owell. Yes, that's the bird I want. Owl. Trot 
 him out. 
 
 Parks (C) Oh, 'ees in Cleveland! 
 
 King (L C) Cleveland nothing. I saw him in Boston 
 yesterday, I was on the train with him this morning. Don't 
 lie to me. Trot him out. 
 
 Parks (C) I tell you 'ees not 'ome yet. 
 
 King (L C) What's keeping him. 
 
 Parks (pointedly) That's what his wife would like to 
 know, sir. 
 
 King So that's his game? A hen at home and chickens 
 in Boston. 
 
 Parks No, sir; 'ees a lawyer; 'ees not in the poultry 
 business. 
 
 King (to L a step) Heaven keep my hands off this man. 
 
 Parks (starts, looking at bag on sofa) Oh, I see you 
 brought his bag, sir. 
 
 King What? 
 
 Parks Isn't that Mr. 'Owells? Why, of course it is. 
 Those are his initials. G. H. Shall I take it, sir? (Starts 
 to do so.) 
 
 King (pushes him away and grabs bag) Over my dead 
 body. He'll get his when I get mine. There is just one 
 way he can come in 
 
 Parks (C) Of course this way! (Indicates door up 
 L C.) 
 
 King (goes up to door C, opens it, Parks follows Xes 
 to L of King, holding door open. Ottily enter R I) All 
 right. Fl wait outside for him, then. If I don't see him, 
 I'll be back and you can tell him for me that I got to see 
 him soon and it's important. You tell him to wait here 
 in case I don't catch him outside see? 
 
 16
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Parks Yes, I'll tell him. 
 
 Ottily (X to below desk) Will you leave your name? 
 
 King No, thank you, ma'am ; I may want to use it again. 
 (Exit L C.) 
 
 Auntie (and Daphne enter R I and stand down R) 
 Who was it, Parks? (Comes to R of desk.) 
 
 Parks (closes door and comes C) As you say in Ameri- 
 can, ma'am a tough looking mug. 
 
 Aunt and Ottily Mug! 
 
 Parks (C) He's brought Mr. Howell's grip. 
 
 Ottily (frightened, R C of desk) Something's happened. 
 SOMETHING'S HAPPENED TO GEORGE ! OH ! 
 
 Auntie (R of desk, Daphne R of auntie) Did he say 
 where he got it ? 
 
 Parks No, ma'am, but he said he would wait and catch 
 Mr. Howell there. 
 
 Auntie Catch him? Maybe he's a detective! 
 
 Parks (circles above desk to R I) No, ma'am. I don't 
 think he's a detective. He looked more like a third story 
 man. A verandah climber. 
 
 All Verandah climber ! (BELL.} 
 
 Daphne (R, up stage a little) Now who is that? 
 
 Ottily (going to door. Auntie to L of desk) I hope he 
 hasn't come back. (Opens door fearfully.) Why, Ned 
 Pembroke ! 
 
 (At above line, Daphne starts gladly up R towards Ned. 
 Auntie waves her back and turns toward L C. Daphne 
 sneaks to above desk. Ned Pembroke enters.) 
 
 Ned Good afternoon, Mrs. Howell. Is George here? 
 
 Ottily (by door L of Ned) Why no not yet. I ex- 
 pect him any moment, though. He's been out of town, you 
 know ! 
 
 Ned (up L) Yes, / know. . . . May I wait? (Ned 
 puts hat on table by door.) 
 
 Ottily (up L) Surely. 
 
 Daphne (rushes to him C) NED! 
 
 Ned (comes to her C) DAPHNE! 
 
 Auntie Daphne! (Ottily crosses to R of desk, pours 
 tea.) 
 
 Ned (Xes to Auntie to L of desk. Daphne to sofa 
 sits) Oh, Miss Winnacker how do you do? 
 
 Auntie (coldly) Quite well, thank you! 
 
 Ned Chilly weather we're having. (Go to C.) 
 
 17
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Ottily Won't you join us, Ned? (Crosses to him and 
 hands him two cups of tea.) 
 
 Daphne Tea ? 
 
 Ned (to Daphne) What have / done? 
 
 Auntie (seated L of desk) Mr. Pembroke, what is this 
 story in the papers this morning about your mother's rubies ? 
 Did she REALLY lose them? 
 
 Ned (stands awkwardly C, holding cups) I hope so. 
 
 The Women What ! 
 
 Ned I hope even mother wouldn't go that far to get her 
 name in the papers. Losing jewels was a stale press story 
 when you were a girl. Oh, I didn't mean that ! What do 
 I do with these ? Juggle 'em ! 
 
 Daphne (rises, takes one cup, sits again. Ottily sits R 
 of desk) You drink that! 
 
 Ned (sits on upstage arm of sofa) Oh! 
 
 Daphne (on sofa) I don't see how you can jest about 
 such a dreadful loss. $30,000, the papers said. 
 
 Ned It's a good lesson to her. The idea of tying up all 
 that real money in red stones. Isn't it the limit, honestly? 
 
 Auntie You are quite right for once. It COULD be 
 used to better advantage. 
 
 Ned Thirty thousand! Of course it could, and I'm the 
 little fellow that could use it if I could get hold of it ! 
 
 Auntie If you could get hold of it? 
 
 Ned If I could borrow it, or STEAL it! 
 
 Ottily Steal it oh, Ned ! 
 
 Daphne Have they really a clue to the thief? 
 
 Ned (sits by Daphne on sofa, arm around her) I be- 
 lieve so. I wasn't in Boston last night when it happened, 
 but I had the house on the long distance this morning and 
 mother's secretary said the whole Boston police force is on 
 the job. She's on her way here now. 
 
 Auntie Daphne! (They separate.) That's better. 
 (Ned strangles trying to drink tea.) 
 
 Daphne (amused) He LOVES it! 
 
 Ottily (rising) He doesn't have to drink it. It's cold 
 any way. Come into the dining-room, Ned, and I'll find 
 something more to your liking. (To door R I and exit.) 
 
 Auntie (rises Daphne rises and Xes to her) Yes, I'd 
 like to have something warm myself. (X to door R I. 
 Ned puts his cup and Daphne's on desk.) 
 
 Daphne (at door R C) Auntie, you don't mean 
 
 18
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Auntie Tea! (Exit door R I.) 
 
 Daphne (to door R I) Aren't you coming, Ned? 
 ('PHONE.) 
 
 Ned I'll answer the 'phone. (Exit Daphne R I. Ned 
 goes to 'phone L of desk.) Hello! Hello, George ! Where 
 are you? At the doctor's? What's the matter? What 
 the wreck? Are you hurt? Only a scratch? Good. Oh, 
 I say, George George, did you get what you went after? 
 The letters I wrote to Vera Vernon? Did you get them 
 back? All of -them? Good! Vera can't make any more 
 trouble! I can propose to Daphne! Good! I'll go right 
 to it. (Hangs up receiver. Hesitates, goes to door R I. 
 Opens it.) Daphne! 
 
 Daphne Yes? (Enters R I. Ned returns to C. Daphne 
 comes to him.) 
 
 Ned (to C) Come here a moment, I've got something 
 to say to you. 
 
 Daphne Well ? 
 
 Ned (at a loss) May I smoke? 
 
 Daphne Yes, if you like. (Ned takes out cigarette case. 
 She comes below desk.) Oh, what a pretty cigarette case! 
 (Ned startled, tries to hide case. Daphne goes to him and 
 takes case.) Mayn't I see it? 
 
 Ned (reluctantly) Of course, if you like. 
 
 Daphne (goes L to L C) Who gave it to you? 
 
 Ned (C to R C) A girl I used to knew a LONG time 
 ago! 
 
 Daphne (cross to sofa, L C, examining case reads:) 
 From Vera to NIPPERS - - February ;th, 1915. A 
 long time ago, eh? 
 
 Ned (at R C) Well, it SEEMS a long time ago. 
 (Comes to her.) 
 
 Daphne (L C at sofa, still examining case) And you 
 carry it, I suppose, because you were so very fond of her? 
 
 Ned (following, a little above her, takes case from her 
 and puts it in his pocket) I carry it because it holds two 
 dozen cigarettes. 
 
 Daphne (acidly) I've always liked the name of Vera. 
 (On sofa down.) 
 
 Ned I think Daphne's the prettiest name there is. 
 
 Daphne (delighted) Do you really? 
 
 Ned (C) Yes. Daphne, I've got something to say to 
 you. 
 
 19
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Daphne (fixes herself comfortably) Yes? Yes? Well, 
 I'm listening. 
 
 Ned (C, a little nervous, but frankly) I I'm trying to 
 think of a good way to begin ! 
 
 Daphne (on sofa) Does it matter how you begin? 
 
 Ned It's not so much how I begin as how I finish. 
 
 Daphne (rise to him. Rising anxiously) It isn't bad 
 news you are trying to break ? 
 
 Ned (C) Oh, Lord no! It's GOOD news I THINK! 
 
 Daphne (backing him toward desk) You think? Aren't 
 you sure ? 
 
 Ned (backing toward desk) No. You see, everything 
 depends on you. 
 
 Daphne Me ? 
 
 Ned If you will, it'll be great but if you won't, it'll 
 be AWFUL. 
 
 Daphne (backing him toward desk) If I will what? 
 
 Ned (bump into desk and sits on it) Do what I'm try- 
 ing to ask you ? 
 
 Daphne (guessing) Ned Pembroke, you're not trying 
 to propose to me, are you? 
 
 Ned (sitting on desk eagerly) YES! 
 
 Daphne (sits in chair L of desk) Why Ned! 
 
 Ned I need a little practice, but I've got the right idea. 
 (Daphne keeps her face turned from him.) Well will 
 you? 
 
 Daphne WILL I WHAT? 
 
 Ned Will you marry me? 
 
 Daphne Do you want me to? 
 
 Ned You don't think I'm doing this for the fun I get 
 out of it? 
 
 Daphne (in chair, L of desk) Do you want me very 
 much? 
 
 Ned (on desk) You bet I do! 
 
 Daphne (rise to C) Then I will. 
 
 Ned (rise to her) Hurrah! I'm glad that's off my 
 chest. (Produces ring.) Which finger does it go on? 
 (Puts ring on her finger.) 
 
 Daphne (holding it up facing L) Oh! How beautiful. 
 It's a dear! 
 
 Ned What comes next? (Kisses her.) 
 
 Daphne (drawing away to L) I'll bet you have kissed 
 every other girl you ever met. 
 
 20
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Ned (rattled) Not everyone. Some got away. 
 
 Daphne (L C) That was positively the worst proposal 
 I ever had. 
 
 Ned (C. Rattled) Well, it's the first one I ever made. 
 The next time I'll have more experience. 
 
 Daphne (X to R C) What! 
 
 Ned (to L C) Oh, no, I didn't mean that ! 
 
 Daphne (front of desk) Was that really the first pro- 
 posal you ever made? 
 
 Ned (comes to her) It was. 
 
 Daphne (sit on seat below desk) But you must have 
 fancied yourself in love before? 
 
 Ned (sit on seat L of Daphne) Well that's how I 
 learned to tell the real thing by making mistakes and find- 
 ing them out. 
 
 Daphne (on seat) Suppose you find out that this is an- 
 other mistake? 
 
 Ned (on seat) I'm sure this time. Once you've had the 
 real disease you recognize it all right. 
 
 Daphne Disease ? 
 
 Ned It's only when you haven't had it that you make 
 mistakes. 
 
 Daphne (on seat) For instance. 
 
 Ned (on seat) Well, now, suppose you've heard a lot 
 about appendicitis, but you've never had it. Well, every 
 time you get a pain in your right side, you say, "I'll be 
 jiggered, here it is at last." Then you find out your mis- 
 take. But once you've had it, you'd be apt to know it, 
 wouldn't you? (Rise, goes to L C.) 
 
 Daphne (on seat) I dare say. But I don't like your 
 comparing love to your appendix. 
 
 Ned Why not? 
 
 Daphne Your appendix can be cut out. 
 
 Ned (back to seat, sit L) Nothing is going to be cut 
 out of our young lives. Oh, when are we going to be 
 married ? 
 
 Daphne (on seat) I haven't set the definite date yet - 
 in about three months. 
 
 Ned Three months ! That's too long. 
 
 Daphne (on seat) I shouldn't think of getting married 
 any sooner. 
 
 Ned (on seat) But three months seems an awful long 
 time. 
 
 21
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Daphne (on seat) But we shall be engaged and everyone 
 knows that when you're engaged is the happiest time of 
 your life. 
 
 Ned Let's be sure of three months of it anyway. I 
 don't mean that. I know we are going to be very happy. 
 
 Daphne (on seat) I've always wanted a BIG wedding. 
 I think Ottily's was horrid. "Psh !" All over in an instant ! 
 
 Ned (sit on desk) I rather like that "Psh!" about it. 
 
 Daphne (rise to R) The bigger the wedding the more 
 presents we'll get. 
 
 Ned Now I've got you. You want to be practical. 
 
 Daphne I'll go and speak to auntie about announcing 
 an engagement. (Exit R I.) 
 
 Ned No! Wait a minute! (To C.) George! 
 
 (Enter quickly, carrying traveling bag to C, coat to sofa, 
 grip by door of closet up C. Hat on table by door 
 L C.) 
 
 Ho well (worried) Hello, Ned. Where's Ottily? 
 
 Ned (C) Upstairs somewhere. You had me hopping 
 like a hen on a hot griddle. What the devil kept you, any- 
 way? 
 
 Howell (C) I had to stay longer than I expected, i 
 couldn't wire Ottily or she'd have known I was in Boston. 
 I told her I was going to Cleveland. 
 
 Ned (C) I know that. You got my letters from Vera? 
 
 Howell (C) Yes, I got your confounded love letter? 
 after a devil of a time. 
 
 Ned (C, X to R C) Well, you got there just in time. 
 Another day and it would have been all off. 
 
 Howell (C) Why? 
 
 Ned (R C) I got another letter from Vera's lawyers 
 this morning saying they'd give me until tomorrow and to 
 pay up or they'd start action. 
 
 Howell (C) How you ever fell for the innocent gag of 
 Vera Vernon is beyond me. You ought to go to night- 
 school. 
 
 Ned That's where I met her. Rector's night school. 
 (X to desk R C, lean against it.) 
 
 Howell (follow to R C) Do you realize you might have 
 been the husband of a famous chorus girl. I'd hate to tell 
 you how famous. 
 
 Ned At least I haven't done anything I ought to be 
 ashamed of. I thought she was different from the rest. 
 
 22
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Howell (same position) Where have I heard those 
 words before? Ask as many girls as you like to marry 
 you, but don't commit yourself on paper. It isn't done 
 in our set. (Takes stage to X.) 
 
 Ned (follow eagerly) Tell me, George, how did you get 
 the letters. 
 
 Howell I wrote her a note said I was a stranger alone 
 in Boston and would esteem it an honor if she would take 
 supper with me. 
 
 Ned (eagerly) Which she did, of course. 
 
 Howell She did ! 
 
 Ned Where did you go? 
 
 Howell To the Turaine. I opened some champagne, 
 gave her my fraternity pin and gazed at her like a dazed 
 owl. 
 
 Ned (to desk. Sit on same) You got her piflicated. 
 
 Howell (to him) Not that night. She limited herself 
 to one glass of wine on Wednesday. 
 
 Ned One glass of wine. Say, old man, you got hold 
 of the wrong girl. 
 
 Howell Oh no, I didn't. I knew she wasn't carrying 
 your letters around in her hand bag, so I pretended to make 
 love to her. (Take to L C.) 
 
 Ned Just pretended? 
 
 Howell Yes, and I'm some pretender and as a result 
 I was rewarded by an invitation to her apartment, and the 
 next night she drank a little more and last night you 
 can't imagine how much wine that girl got on the outside of? 
 
 Ned You can't surprise me, old boy. She's a tank. (To 
 R near door R I.) 
 
 Howell (L C) She's a reservoir. I brought you my 
 expense account. That little trip will cost you just about 
 five hundred dollars, Nippers! 
 
 Ned (R) Say George 
 
 Howell (stroll up to C) Pretty pet name she has for 
 you Nippers! 
 
 Ned (rush to him C) Don't call me that here. It gives 
 me the jumps ! 
 
 Howell Well, anyway, you can reimburse me for flow- 
 ers, wine, candy and taxicabs. I'll never recover from the 
 shock to my nerves, though. I'll never be the same! (X to 
 chair L of desk, sit.) 
 
 23
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Ned (follow from C) By gad, you do look a little under 
 the weather! She didn't get rough! 
 
 Howell (seated L of desk) No, that's a birth-mark! 
 
 Ned (L of Howell) I've never seen it before. 
 
 Howell (seated L of desk) Pullman birth. I can't see 
 why they call those Pullmans sleepers. 
 
 Ned (C) That's right, the wreck! 
 
 Howell (seated L of desk) Our train ran into some- 
 thing this morning and we nearly had a smash-up. 
 
 Ned (C) The papers are full of it. 
 
 Howell (seated L of desk) Can you imagine what would 
 have happened if I had been injured in that wreck? Ottily 
 would have found out I was in Boston. (Rise go to C.) I 
 tremble when I think of the chances I took for you. 
 
 Ned (crosses to George C) Never mind, old man! You 
 got my letters from Vera. You've saved my life! (X to R 
 of desk.) 
 
 Howell (rise) Your life? Look here, do you think I 
 went to Boston after those love-letters on your account? I 
 did it for Ottily and Daphne to avoid a scandal for their 
 sakes ! Oh, the wine I've drunk and the sleep I've lost and 
 the time I've had wasted. (Take L to L C.) 
 
 Ned (X to R of desk) Just the same, you saved me a lot 
 of worry and notoriety and expense and I'm grateful ! 
 
 Howell (at L C) Well, you ought to be! 
 
 Ned (R of desk) What did you do with my letters? 
 Destroy them? 
 
 Howell No, I've got them here in my grip. (Brings 
 grip to sofa and begins opening it. His back is toward 
 door R.) 
 
 Ned Good boy ! Get them for me, will you oh 
 
 (As Howell is bending over grip. Auntie enters R I, clos- 
 ing the door. Ned sees her and begins wildly to attract 
 Howell's attention, but without success. Auntie looks 
 at Ned in amazement, crosses to C and upstage still 
 gazing at Ned, who is pretending to be trying to catch 
 a fly. Ned is R of desk. Auntie finally sees Howell 
 L C and goes to him.) 
 
 Auntie (Sweetly. Goes to him) Why, George! My 
 dear boy, where have you been? 
 
 Howell (turns embarrassed) Well, you see I've been 
 in (Ned begins making desperate signs again. Auntie 
 
 24
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 and Howell watch him until he pretends to have caught the 
 fly.) Auntie! What good wind blew you in? 
 
 Auntie I had to come. I had to make sure that Otilly 
 was all right. I simply couldn't rest until I'd seen for 
 myself. NOT that I distrusted YOU ! I know you'd do 
 your best to make her happy, but she was almost a daughter 
 to me. 
 
 Howell Of course, of course ! Glad to have you here. 
 
 Ned (aside) Tickled to death! 
 
 Auntie What's that? 
 
 Ned I said we are tickled to death. 
 
 George Where is Ottily? 
 
 Auntie She doesn't know you're here. I'll break the 
 news to her gently. 
 
 Howell Gently ? 
 
 Auntie (going upstairs) Yes. We were just becoming 
 resigned to the idea that you were never coming back. 
 (Auntie exits upsteps.) 
 
 Ned (X above desk to Howell C) You ought to sit on 
 that woman. 
 
 Howell (to L C to sofa) I ought to step on her. 
 
 Ned (L C) Hurry up. Get me my letters. 
 
 Ottily (off R 3) Ah, is he? 
 
 Auntie (off R 3) Yes, dear. 
 
 Ned (X to R I quickly) Never mind. Remember not 
 a word. Not even to Ottily. 
 
 Howell (unstrapping bag) Haven't I promised? (Put 
 grip up by closet C.) 
 
 Ned Ye-es but you're a lawyer ! 
 
 (Exit R I. Ottily enters downsteps Ned exits.) 
 
 Ottily (to C) George! My dear ! I've been so worried ! 
 
 Howell (to C, embracing her) Nonsense! 
 
 Ottily (C) I thought you were never coming. I was 
 so frightened and unhappy! 
 
 Howell (C) I'm sorry! 
 
 Ottily (C) George! What's the matter with your head? 
 You're hurt ! 
 
 Howell (C) That? Oh, that's nothing but a scratch. 
 I'd forgotten about it already and I had no time to shave ! 
 
 Ottily (C) You're trying to keep the truth from me! 
 You were in that wreck as I dreamed. 
 
 Howell (hesitating) W-r-e-c-k? What wreck? 
 
 25
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Ottily (C) The Boston train was wrecked near Hart- 
 ford! 
 
 Howell (C) Now how could a man coming from Cleve- 
 land be in a wreck near Hartford? 
 
 Ottily I thought lawyers could do anything! (He 
 laughs. Goes to L a step.) I don't like that cut at all, dear 
 and you look all tired out! 
 
 Howell I am. 
 
 Ottily (arms around him) You must have had an 
 awful time. 
 
 Howell Terrible. 
 
 Ottily I hated being here without you. 
 
 Howell Poor little clear ! From now on, we'll never be 
 separated again. 
 
 Ottily Promise. 
 
 Howell I promise. 
 
 (Kiss. They hold the kiss until Auntie spoke.) 
 
 Auntie Again or yet. Don't hurry. Dinner in an hour. 
 (Comes down R, circles desk, seats herself at desk L of it 
 with knitting.) 
 
 Howell (C) In that case I think I'll just run up to the 
 barber-shop and be shaved while I'm waiting. 
 
 Ottily (C) Why must you be shaved? I don't mind! 
 
 Howell (C) I feel uncomfortable! I'll be back in a 
 few minutes, dear! 
 
 Ottily Alright, my darling. If you must. (They kiss. 
 As he draws away, goes to door L C, picks up hat from 
 table by door.) George! (Rushes to him. They embrace.) 
 
 Auntie For heaven's sake let the man alone! (Sit L of 
 desk.) 
 
 Ottily (up L. He opens door) Don't be any longer 
 than you can help, will you, sweetheart? 
 
 Howell (R of Ottily and near door) Certainly not, my 
 darling! (Takes her hands.) 
 
 Ottily You dear! 
 
 Howell Sweetheart ! 
 
 Ottily Precious ! 
 
 Howell Darling ! 
 
 Ottily and Howell (together embrace) Angel! 
 
 Auntie (disgusted) Mush! 
 
 (Howell exits L C.) 
 
 Ottily (close door coming to C. Ready Susie) Isn't he 
 wonderful? 
 
 26
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Auntie (L of desk) Humph! 
 
 Ottily (to sofa sit) Aren't you sorry now that you said 
 such dreadful things about him? Can you even think them 
 when you look at him? 
 
 Auntie Handsome is as handsome does, my child! 
 
 Susie (enters downsteps) The laundry man has came, 
 ma'am. (At C.) 
 
 Auntie (at desk) Has came? 
 
 Susie (C) Yes'm, has came into the kitchen! 
 
 Auntie Ugh ! 
 
 Ottily (on sofa) Thank you, Susie. Get the creton bag 
 the laundry is all in my room. 
 
 Susie (Crossing to R I. Trips over Auntie's foot) 
 'Scuse me. Yes'm, and a funny thing the laundry man 
 has a brother in Cedar Rapids. That's on the Northwestern, 
 near Sioux City. 
 
 (Exit R I. Auntie and Ottily rise. Ottily goes up C.) 
 
 Auntie (X to C) If I had that, I'd poison it! Why 
 don't you get rid of her? 
 
 Ottily (rise) I can't. She came with the apartment, 
 with the rest of the furniture. I wonder if George has any 
 laundry in his grip? (Goes up C to get it.) 
 
 Auntie (to sofa and sit) I dare say. You'd better open 
 it and get it out. 
 
 Ottily (comes to front of desk. Carrying grip. Puts it 
 on seat below desk) I will . . . How heavy it is ... 
 
 Auntie Men always carry away with them all sorts of 
 things that they don't need. I remember my father used 
 to take away more clothes for a three-days' trip than he 
 could use in three months. 
 
 (Susie enters R I. With laundry bag.) 
 
 Ottily (who has opened bag, screams) Oh-h-h ! (Slams 
 grip shut.) 
 
 Auntie (X to her. Leave knitting on sofa) What is it? 
 
 Ottily (frightened. Gasping) N-nothing! 
 
 Susie (has entered with laundry bag, stands R, watching) 
 Has Mr. Howell got laundry, too, ma'am? 
 
 Ottily (impatiently) No, no, no. Send the other things 
 and let Mr. Ho well's go! 
 
 Susie (goes up steps looking over her shoulder) Oh, 
 very good, ma'am ! 
 
 Auntie (L of Ottily. Susie listens throughout the fol- 
 
 27
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 lowing scene) What on earth is the matter with you, 
 Ottily ? 
 
 Ottily (L of desk) Something dreadful dreadful! 
 
 Auntie (C)What? 
 
 Ottily (R C) Oh, Auntie, Auntie, Auntie! 
 
 Auntie (C) Tell me this instant what's wrong! 
 
 Ottily (R C) If it should be true! 
 
 Auntie (R C) What? 
 
 Ottily (R C) What you said! 
 
 Auntie (R C) About another wife? 
 
 Ottily (R C) Oh, no! Worse! Worse! 
 
 Auntie (R C) Open that grip this minute and let me 
 see! (X front of desk to R of it.) 
 
 Ottily (L of desk) Oh, no ! I mustn't ! 
 
 Auntie (R of desk) Ottily! (Looking in grip.) Good 
 Heavens ! 
 
 Ottily (go L to back) It's George's grip George's! 
 (Takes out articles as mentioned and puts them back.) 
 
 Auntie What's this? A gun! Oh! A black mask! 
 Burglar's tools. A jewel-case, the address, Mrs. Pembroke, 
 Boston! ... The PEMBROKE RUBIES! (Opens jewel- 
 case and holds up jewels.) 
 
 Ottily I can't believe it ! I can't believe it ! 
 
 Auntie (R of desk) I TOLD you there was something 
 wrong with that man ! I felt it ! I knew it ! He's a 
 burglar! 
 
 Ottily (L of desk) He isn't a bruglar! He isn't! 
 
 Auntie (R of desk) Then how do you account for this? 
 
 Ottily (go to L C) What shall I do. Oh, what shall 
 I do? 
 
 Auntie (puts jewels back in case, lays case on table, X 
 to Ottily L C) Get on your things and we'll go before he 
 comes back ! 
 
 Ottily (turns to Aunt L C) Go? Where? 
 
 Auntie (L C) To my house! . . . It's the only place 
 for you now ! 
 
 Ottily And leave George ! 
 
 Auntie Do you think for one moment of living with a 
 thief ? 
 
 Ottily (X front of Aunt R C) Stop! You must not 
 say that ! 
 
 Auntie (follow) Well, what is he then? 
 
 28
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Ottily (X to L C) He's my husband and he's not a 
 thief ! 
 
 Auntie You'll have a hard time proving that! 
 
 Ottily (L C) I know it's true. I know it! 
 
 Auntie (follow to L C to take her arm) Come nothing 
 can be gained by dawdling here. We'll get a divorce. 
 
 Ottily (L C) But I don't want a divorce. I love him! 
 
 Auntie (L C) You must stop loving him then. I shan't 
 let you stay here knowing what he is ! 
 
 Ottily (L C) I must stay. I must help him to escape 
 detection, and if he is a thief I must get him to reform ! 
 
 Auntie (L C) No woman ever reformed a man after 
 she married him ! 
 
 Ottily (go R to L of desk) I will. I'll be the first, 
 then! 
 
 Auntie (follow) You don't know what you're under- 
 taking. If a man's a thief, it's in his blood. 
 
 Ottily In his blood? 
 
 Auntie And you'll never make anything else of him ! 
 
 Ottily (to R of desk) I'm going to try, anyway. 
 
 Auntie Oh, Ottily. 
 
 Ottily It's my duty as his wife ! And I'm going to begin 
 by returning these jewels to Mrs. Pembroke. (Takes hand 
 bag from desk. She puts jewel-case in hand bag.) 
 
 Auntie Oh Ottily, think of the humiliation for all of 
 us for Daphne ! 
 
 Ottily (R of desk) I must think of my husband first. 
 
 Auntie (to front of desk) You'll ruin your life if you 
 persist in standing by this gentlemanly scoundrel ! 
 
 Ottily (to door R I) I'm going to stand by him, never- 
 theless ! I took him for better or for worse ! 
 
 Auntie You got it ! 
 
 (Ottily exits into boudoir followed by Aunt. As Auntie 
 and Ottily go off R I, Susie's head appears at top of 
 stairs. She sneaks down, comes to R of desk, pauses, 
 listening, goes to grip, looks in, picks out revolver, 
 drops it frightened.) 
 
 Susie Oo bullets ! (Circles back of desk, crosses to door 
 up L C, pauses, hesitates, comes back to left of desk, front 
 of chair, takes up 'phone!) Hello? . . . Hello? ... I 
 want police headquarters! I don't know the number. I 
 thought it was a secret! A thousand dollars reward. I 
 ought to have two trunks. If I could go home with two 
 
 29
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 trunks! . . . Hello? . . . Yes. ... Is this police head- 
 quarters? . . . Send a cop up to Mrs. Fleming's apartment 
 right away. 7006 River. 7006 River. I'm not sick, that's 
 the number. . . . Send a cop up right away, we got a thief 
 in the house. Oh, no he won't get away. He lives here ! 
 (Hangs up receiver and turns L.) Good-bye! (Voices 
 off R I. She hides behind up stage end of sofa. Ottily and 
 Aunt re-enter R I.) 
 
 Auntie (entering first R I) You can trust me. If I say 
 I'll send it, I'll send it ! 
 
 Ottily (following her on R I. Closes grip leaning on it, 
 settle below desk) There's pen and ink in this room! 
 
 Auntie (Xing to sofa for hand bag and knitting. Stop- 
 ping short) Why not telephone to Mrs. Pembroke? (X to 
 sofa.) 
 
 Ottily (X to L of desk, sit, placing hand bag in L side 
 of seat of chair with strap hanging over arm of chair) I 
 don't want to risk it from here ! 
 
 Auntie (Xing to R back of desk to R I and exits) Of 
 course not ! With those servants sticking their noses into 
 everything. (Susie registers.) I'll get my hat while you're 
 writing the telegram. (Ottily sits down to write. Susie 
 comes out, steals jewels, replaces case in hand bag, places 
 rubies in her stocking, leaves hand bag on floor and exits 
 calmly up steps just as Ottily finishes writing wire.) 
 
 Ottily (writing) Mrs. John Pembroke, Boston, Mass. 
 If you will come to this address ask no questions your 
 jewels will be returned to you. Mrs. George Howell. 
 
 (Ned enters whistling. Speaks while crossing to sofa, 
 picks up vanity case from sofa, crosses back, sees hand 
 bag on floor C, hands it to Ottily, saying:) 
 
 Ned Is this yours? Oh, Ottily, have you seen Daphne's 
 vanity case. She says she left it here some oh ! This 
 yours? (Hands her hand bag Susie left on floor. Ottily 
 registers, exits Ned R I. He finds it, exits whistling. 
 George Howell enters L C.) (George enters, advances to- 
 ward Ottily affectionately. She rises.) 
 
 George (C) Here we are with a nice smooth chin 
 that won't scratch wifey's cheeks ! 
 
 Ottily (R C. Avoiding his embrace, drawing back) 
 George! 
 
 George (C) Why, what's the matter, sweetheart? Any- 
 thing wrong? 
 
 30
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Ottily (R C) You know there is something wrong! 
 You know it ! 
 
 Howell (C) But I don't, dearest. What is it? Tell me! 
 (He attempts to embrace her she draws back again.) 
 
 Ottily (R C) Why did you lie to me? 
 
 Howell (C) Lie? . . . Why Ottily? I didn't lie to 
 you. 
 
 Ottily (R C) You told me you went to Cleveland! 
 
 George (C) Well? I did. 
 
 Ottily (R C) You were not in Cleveland! 
 
 George (C. Disconcerted) We-11, no-o not all the 
 time ! Part of the time. I was coming back ! 
 
 Ottily (R C) You were not in Cleveland at all! You 
 were in Boston! 
 
 George (C. Gasping) Ottily! Who ? told you? 
 
 Ottily (pressing him) No one told me, I found out for 
 myself. What were you doing there? 
 
 George (C) I've told you. I went on business. 
 
 Ottily (C) Yes, but what kind of business? 
 
 George (L C) I I can't tell you. 
 
 Ottily (C. Miserably) I don't wonder you are ashamed 
 of it ! 
 
 George (L C) It isn't that. I promised my my client 
 not to tell even you. 
 
 Ottily (C) Who was this client, then? 
 
 George (L C) I can't tell you that, either. Now, listen, 
 dear. I don't know what you've found out but this was 
 a business trip and I can't have you bothering your head 
 about it ! 
 
 Ottily (C) Don't try to deceive me any further! I 
 know all about this business trip. I opened your grip and 
 I know what you've got in it. 
 
 George (L to R of desk) Ottily! You opened my 
 grip and you read ? 
 
 Ottily (X to L of desk) Yes, the name and the address. 
 Oh, George, how could you? 
 
 George (sit R of desk) But they don't belong to me. 
 
 Ottily (L of desk) Of course they don't. You stole 
 them. 
 
 George (same) Oh, I wouldn't say that! I just well 
 I just compelled her to give them up. 
 
 Ottily (sit L of desk) You dared to force yourself into 
 this woman's home ! Into her very bedroom. 
 
 31
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 George (same) I didn't go beyond the parlor. 
 
 Ottily (same) Don't lie to me. 
 
 George (same) Surely you don't accuse me of and 
 the day after our wedding. 
 
 Ottily (same) Oh, it isn't that, George, it's the awful 
 thought that you are a I can't say the word. 
 
 George (same) But why worry like this about such a 
 trifle? 
 
 Ottily (same) A trifle, to take what doesn't belong to 
 you? 
 
 George (same) She had no more right to them than I. 
 
 Ottily (same, surprised) George! How can you say 
 that! 
 
 George (R of desk) Ned had a prior claim. 
 
 Ottily (L of desk) Ned! So he prompted you to steal 
 them for him? 
 
 George (same) Yes, he needed them before he could 
 propose to Daphne. 
 
 Ottily (same) And you speak of the whole affair as 
 though it were nothing! 
 
 George (same) That's just it, it was a business proposi- 
 tion, pure and simple. 
 
 Ottily (same) Business! 
 
 George (same) Any lawyer is liable to have a case of 
 this kind. It's part of their regular work. 
 
 Ottily (same) His! You must give them back. 
 
 George (same) After all the trouble I have had to get 
 them ? Nonsense. 
 
 Ottily (same) What are you going to do with them? 
 
 George (same) Burn them! 
 
 Ottily (same) Burn them! Yet that might be better 
 than being found out. 
 
 George (DOOR BELL. Enter Parks down steps, X 
 to C) Sure that will end the whole incident. (Business. 
 Knock on the door.) 
 
 Ottily (frightened) What's that? 
 
 Ho well (rise) Someone at the door. I'll see. (Rise 
 and cross to L C, sees Parks.) Parks, open the door. 
 
 (Parks starts towards door L C.) 
 
 Ottily (R C rise) No, don't. 
 
 (Parks turns back.) 
 
 Howell Parks, open that door at once. 
 
 (Parks starts toward door L C.) 
 
 32
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Ottily Don't you dare open that door. 
 
 (Parks at a loss, comes down to head of sofa L C.) 
 
 Ho well (starts toward door L C.) Very well, I'll open 
 it myself. 
 
 Ottily (stops him) No, no, it may be the detective! 
 
 George (C) Detective? What detective? 
 
 (Grabs his coat from sofa and pushes him toward door 
 RI.) 
 
 Ottily The one who was here before looking for you ! 
 He's come back ! 
 
 George That's funny. I wonder if she 
 
 Ottily He'll search the house ! Quick ! We can get out 
 the back way ! 
 
 Howell Get out! 
 
 Ottily Escape before he suspects George please 
 for my sake ! 
 
 George Ottily, for the Lord's sake, what's gotten into 
 you? I have nothing to fear. You wait and see. I'll eat 
 your detective alive. 
 
 (Releases himself from her and crosses L of desk. Parks 
 crosses above desk to R and exits R I after Auntie.) 
 
 Auntie (enter R I) What is it? What's happened? 
 
 Ottily The detective has come back. We'll send the 
 wire, but he sha'n't find the jewels. 
 
 (She exits with Auntie and Parks. Howell admits King 
 who carries grip marked G. H. King passes Howell 
 and comes to R C.) 
 
 Howell (closes door and comes to L C) Well, who are 
 you? 
 
 King (go down L C) I give you just one guess. 
 
 Howell (down to R C) Give it up. I never saw- you 
 before in my life ! 
 
 King (L C) NO? Didn't see me in Boston last night 
 at the Touraine Hotel? Did you? 
 
 Howell (R C) I did not! 
 
 King (L C) I saw you, though -you had a queen with 
 you that happens to be a friend of mine, Vera Vernon. 
 
 Howell (R C) You know her? 
 
 King Who doesn't know her? The way you were 
 lapping up champagne I thought you were a wine agent. 
 
 Howell (at R C. Looking around uneasily) So she 
 sent you, did she? 
 
 King (going to sofa put grip on sofa) No, she didn't 
 
 33
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 send me. I came on my own business. I just mentioned 
 her to let you know I'm on to you. 
 
 Howell (R C) Then it was you who told her ? 
 
 King (L C) I didn't tell her nothin' not yet! 
 
 Howell (R C) What do you mean, not yet? 
 
 King (L C) You were in that wreck. 
 
 Howell (R C) Wh-at wreck? 
 
 King (L C) Hartford and New Haven. The first 
 wreck they had to-day ! 
 
 Howell (R C) What makes you think / was in it? 
 
 King (L C) Say, don't you get me yet? 
 
 Howell (R C)^-Your face does look familiar. 
 
 King (L C) It's my regular face. I've worn it for 
 years. 
 
 Howell (R C) You're a brave man. Who are you? 
 
 King We. were neighbors last night. You had the berth 
 over me last night upper seven ! 
 
 Howell That's right. Now I remember you. I thought 
 I was sleeping over a garage. You were the fellow who 
 had the cut out open. 
 
 King Snore ? 
 
 Howell Oh ! 
 
 King Pardon. 
 
 Howell (take R and back) But what the deuce do you 
 want of me? 
 
 King I've got to slip it to you. You're a nervous guy 
 too, ain't you? The way you leapt out of that berth and 
 landed into your shoes you ain't a fireman. Belong to 
 the fire department? 
 
 Howell (disgustedly) Fire department! 
 
 King You believe in the old adage about the first man 
 up bein' the best man dressed, anyway, and you ain't par- 
 ticular whose GRIP you grab, either ! 
 
 Howell (R C) What the devil are you getting at? 
 
 King (L C) I want to catch another train to-night, and 
 I want to take my grip with me my own grip, see NOT 
 the one you traded me ! 
 
 Howell (R Q Wha-at? 
 
 King (L C) You ain't going to deny you got away with 
 mine, are you? 
 
 Howell (amazed) I took YOUR bag instead of MINE? 
 
 King I'll lose my voice gabbing to you. (Crosses to 
 
 34
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 sofa.) There's the evidence. (He indicates grip which he 
 has brought in with him, lifting it from sofa.) 
 
 Howell (Xes to R and back to C, gazing from one to 
 the other) Good God! (At cue, "There's the evidence" 
 Gazing from one grip to the other.) So that's what was 
 the matter with her. (Goes into a fit of laughing.) Let 
 me in on the laugh. By golly, I am glad you found me. 
 (Laughs.) If you hadn't things might have been very 
 embarrassing for me. 
 
 King And VERY embarrassing for me. 
 
 Howell (C, still laughing) Say, what in thunder have 
 you got in that grip, anyhow? 
 
 King Nothing much. A little present to me from a lady 
 friend ! 
 
 Howell Oh ! I see ! 
 
 King I guess THIS is what you want. Another little 
 present from a lady friend. (Holds out letters to him, 
 which he takes from pocket.) 
 
 Howell Ned's letters! Here, give them to me! (Mak- 
 ing a grab for them.) 
 
 King (pushes him off) Don't be rough, now. Show 
 some hospitality to a guest. 
 
 Howell (C) You had the nerve to open my grip. 
 
 King (L C) I've nerve enough to open a bank. Open- 
 ing grips means nothing in my life. Had to trace you, 
 didn't I? I had something in my grip that I don't want 
 folks to know about but you had something in your grip 
 that you don't want folks to know about so things look 
 pretty even to me. We'll swap ! 
 
 Howell Well, I'll be damned ! 
 
 King Don't swear! I'll have to wash your mouth out 
 with soap. You've got to talk fast if you want your letters. 
 Is it a go? 
 
 Howell All right. 
 
 King (Xes to sofa, gets grip, comes door C. Howell Xes 
 to R, gets grip from settee and crosses back to C.) Come 
 across. Letters. Grip! Grip! (Howell places his by F. P. 
 up R and comes back to R C. They exchange grips. King 
 kneels down and starts to open grip.) I'll take your word 
 for the outside, but I'd rather have mine for the inside. (A 
 knock sounds at door L C. King starts up, whispers.) 
 What's that? 
 
 35
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Ho well (whispers, at R C) Someone at the door. 
 (Starts to door as far as C.) 
 
 King (up to door L C) Wait! (Advances to door and 
 calls.) Who is it? 
 
 Sergeant (off stage, L C) The police! 
 
 King The bulls. (Coming down C.) Say, you're a 
 slick one, ain't you. 
 
 Howell (R C) What the devil do you mean? 
 
 King (C) So! You are trying to' send me up. I ought 
 to take a wing at you now. (Draws revolver.) 
 
 Howell (R C) Good Heavens, you're a thief. 
 
 King (C) Who'd you think I was Billie Sunday? Is 
 there any way out besides that door? (Goes L to win- 
 dows.) 
 
 Howell (R C) Three stories up. 
 
 King (L) Three stories down. (Looking out of win- 
 dow.) 
 
 Howell (R C) A thief! 
 
 King (comes to C) Yes, but you're not going to get me 
 so easy as you think. 
 
 Howell (R C) I get you? I don't want you. 
 
 King (L C) Who sent for those cops? (Knock on 
 door, L C.) 
 
 Howell I didn't. 
 
 King Now listen, you try to double cross me and I'll 
 take you with me. I'll swear we're partners, see? 
 
 Howell Good Heavens! (Frightened.) 
 
 King Now remember, I'm a friend of yours, a traveling 
 man from Chicago. Get me? 
 
 Howell I see ! 
 
 King (Xing to R C) There was a thief, but he has 
 gone. 
 
 Howell (Xes above King to L C) Yes. 
 
 (Knocks on door L C. Parks comes down stairs and 
 goes to door, L C.) 
 
 King (R C) Now, you squeel on me and we will go up 
 the river together. 
 
 Howell I'll help you. 
 
 (King to R of desk sits. Howell down L and below 
 sofa. Parks opens door. Police on. Sergeant to 
 R C L of desk," driving Parks before him to extreme 
 R. Mooney to L C by sofa. Kearney to R C above 
 desk.) 
 
 36
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Sergeant (coming down as above) Where is he! Where 
 is he! 
 
 Parks (at R, frightened; points to Howell L) I pre- 
 sume you are looking for him. 
 
 Sergeant (turns to Howell) So it's you, eh? 
 
 Howell What the deuce to you mean? (Starts for 
 Sergeant. Stopped by Mooney.) 
 
 Sergeant (to Parks) Is he the thief? 
 
 Parks As to that, sir, I don't know. 
 
 (King laughs. Sergeant turns and comes close to desk 
 L of it. Mooney crosses to above Sergeant. Kearney 
 to above Mooney. This brings them into a line diag- 
 onally up R to down L.) 
 
 Sergeant That will do you. 
 
 King (looking at them) My goodness, it's a parade. By 
 jove, it's the police. Well, boys, what's the trouble? What 
 do you want? 
 
 Sergeant The thief ! 
 
 Kearney The thief ! 
 
 Mooney The thief ! 
 
 King (rubs his eye and pulls hat down) I know 1 
 should have brought the umbrella ! 
 
 Sergeant (indicates Howell) Is this the thief? 
 
 King (glances at Howell) Why no, he's a friend of 
 mine. He owns this apartment ! 
 
 Sergeant (to Parks) Is that so? 
 
 Parks He lives here, sir. 
 
 Sergeant (to King) Well, some one telephoned you had 
 a thief here. 
 
 King There was 
 
 Howell But he got away. 
 
 Sergeant (to King) Did he get anything? 
 
 King Xo, I don't think so. (Looks at Howell.) 
 
 Howell (hesitates) Not a thing. 
 
 Sergeant (to King) And he got away? 
 
 King You didn't think he was going to hang around 
 here all day waiting for you to come and grab him, did you ? 
 
 Sergeant (to Howell) Who is this man? 
 
 Howell (hesitating) He is a friend of mine, a traveling 
 man. 
 
 King We're in business together. 
 
 Sergeant In business together. I'm sorry for the mis- 
 take. 
 
 37
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Howell Don't mention it. You came pretty close for a 
 policeman. 
 
 Sergeant (relaxing a little) I'm afraid this is one on me. 
 
 Howell Well, have one on me. (Police delighted.) 
 Parks, have Susie bring in something to drink. 
 
 King Have a cigar. 
 
 Sergeant Thanks! (They all take cigars. Mooney 
 goes to up L C. Kearney up R C.) 
 
 King You'll find these very good. George and I always 
 smoke good cigars. Sorry I woke you boys up in the mid- 
 dle of the night. 
 
 Sergeant Oh, that's all right. 
 
 King (takes grip from settee, Xes to C) I must be go- 
 ing I've got to catch a train. You'll all excuse me, won't 
 you? 
 
 (Sergeant Xes to R below desk. Susie enters with tray 
 full of glasses. Sergeant takes one. She Xes up R C 
 to Kearney, who takes one. She then Xes to King, 
 who is C, and stands R of him, holding tray until line 
 Sioux City.) 
 
 Howell Wait and have a drink. 
 
 King No, I'll miss my train. 
 
 Sergeant (Xing to R of desk and taking glass from 
 Susie) Which way are you going? 
 
 King West. 
 
 Howell West ? 
 
 King Chicago, Burlington, Quincy, Moline, Rock Island, 
 Omaha, Sioux City. 
 
 Susie (R of King drops tray and throws her arms around 
 him) Sweetheart ! 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 SECOND CURTAIN King going out L C, Susie trying to 
 follow, Mooney detaining her.
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 ACT II 
 
 As curtain rises How ell and the three police are heard 
 laughing and talking. Howell is on sofa, Sergeant down R, 
 Kearney up R C, and Mooney up L C. The officers are 
 smoking the cigars given them in Act I. 
 
 Sergeant Well, boys, everything seems all right here. 
 I guess we better be going. (They all start toward door 
 L C. Sergeant sees Howell's grip on floor at right lower 
 corner of desk.) Here, wait a minute. (Men pause.) 
 Whose grip is this? 
 
 Howell (rises) It's mine. 
 
 Sergeant Why, isn't your name Fleming? 
 
 Howell No, my name's Howell. 
 
 Sergeant Then these initials G. H. are yours? 
 
 Howell Yes, George Howell. 
 
 Sergeant Didn't you say Fleming when you sent in that 
 call to Police Headquarters? 
 
 Howell I didn't send any such call. 
 
 (Mooney puts his cigar in ash tray on table up L, R of 
 L C door.) 
 
 Sergeant (crossing to C) You didn't? Five minutes 
 ago you admitted that there was a thief here. 
 
 Howell (X from L C to Sergeant C) Yes, there was, 
 but he got away. He got away and he didn't take anything. 
 Do you want me to draw a picture of it? 
 
 Sergeant (C) No, I don't. I want the facts and noth- 
 ing but the facts. Is there any one in the house who can 
 identify you and tell me you've a right to be here? 
 
 Howell (goes L) That's a good one. You come in here 
 and ask me if I've a right to be here. 
 
 Sergeant When we get a call from the Fleming apart- 
 ment saying there's a thief there, and we come and find 
 NO FLEMINGS and only a man named Hoivell we've 
 got to make sure everything's on the level ! 
 
 Howell (annoyed) Mrs. Fleming's servants are here. 
 They can set your mind at rest. 
 
 (Crosses and rings bell up C L of closet door. Sergeant 
 puts his cigar on ash tray on desk.) 
 
 39
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Mooney (up L, L of Howell. Kearney up R C) What 
 are you doing? 
 
 Howell (up C) I'm sending for more policemen. 
 
 Sergeant (C) Any one could let us in and say "My 
 name's Howell." 
 
 Howell (comes down C) I suppose if I had said my 
 name was Fleming, you'd have been satisfied? 
 
 Sergeant (grinning, Xes to R C, L of desk) Sure! 
 
 Howell (Xes to L C. Parks appears at door R I) 
 Wonderful ! 
 
 Sergeant (turns to Parks) Well! 
 
 (Kearney Xes to down R, puts cigar in ash tray on 
 mantlepiece.) 
 
 Parks (Xes to R of desk. Undisturbed, quietly) Did 
 you ring, sir? 
 
 Howell (down L at sofa) Parks, kindly tell this police 
 force my name. 
 
 Parks (R. Blankly) Your NAME, sir? 
 
 Howell (L C. Impatiently) Yes. Can't you under- 
 stand English ? That's what I said my name ! 
 
 Parks (R. Quietly) Why, Howell, sir, Mr. George 
 Howell. 
 
 Howell (L C) There! 
 
 Sergeant (R C, left of desk) Who are you? 
 
 Parks Mrs. Fleming's butler, sir. 
 
 Sergeant Mr. Howell rented this apartment from Mrs, 
 Fleming ? 
 
 Parks So I was given to understand, sir! 
 
 Howell (angry, starts toward Parks) What the deuce 
 do you mean? "So I was given to understand, sir." 
 
 Mooney (comes down L C grabs Howell as he reaches 
 C) Keep moving! Keep moving! 
 
 (Indicates sofa. Howell crosses to sofa and sits. Mooney 
 strolls up C.) 
 
 Sergeant (L of desk. To Parks) Aren't you sure about 
 it? 
 
 Parks (R of and below desk. Kearney down R) Well, 
 sir, that's what the telegram said. 
 
 Sergeant What telegram ? 
 
 Parks The one signed Mrs. Fleming, sir. It said that 
 Mr. and Airs. Howell were coming, and that we were to 
 treat them as if they were guests. That was the first we 
 heard of them, sir. 
 
 40
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Sergeant (excitedly) A telegram, eh? That's all the 
 word you had from Mrs. Fleming? 
 
 Parks Yes, sir. 
 
 Howell (rises and starts to C. Mooney stops him as be- 
 fore) What more do you want? 
 
 Sergeant (turns to Howell) Just wait a minute. ANY- 
 ONE can send a telegram ! 
 
 Howell (rises, angrily) What the devil do you mean? 
 
 Mooney Sit down! Stand up ! Suit yourself ! (Howell 
 obeys. ) 
 
 Sergeant I mean that you can't recognize handwriting 
 on a telegram. (To Parks.) That's true, isn't it? 
 
 Parks Yes, sir; I never thought of that! 
 
 Howell (on sofa) Marvelous! 
 
 Sergeant (to Parks) Then you didn't answer the wire? 
 
 Parks Why NO sir. 
 
 Howell (jumps up and crosses to Sergeant C. Mooney 
 makes a dive for sofa with club. Leaves club on sofa) 
 Look here ! There's no thief here, and I've no need of 
 police interference ! 
 
 Sergeant I'll be the judge of that! 
 
 (Mooney taps Howell on shoulder. Indicates sofa.) 
 
 Mooney Over, over, over. (Howell Xes to sofa and 
 sits.) 
 
 Sergeant (sits at L of desk with note book. To Parks) 
 Where is Mrs. Fleming? 
 
 Parks In Long Island, sir, visiting her mother, Mrs. 
 Roland B. Willis. 
 
 Sergeant Where in Long Island? 
 
 Parks Sanford Avenue, Flushing. 
 
 Sergeant Any telephone ? 
 
 Parks None, sir. 
 
 Sergeant Mooney, how do you spell none? 
 
 Mooney (up C) Nun none, sir. (Howell laughs. 
 Mooney comes down L C threatening him.) 
 
 Sergeant Has Mrs. Fleming ever sublet the apartment 
 before ? 
 
 Parks No, sir. 
 
 Sergeant Has she ever SPOKEN of subletting it? 
 
 Parks No, sir, never! 
 
 Howell (on sofa) She's never died before, either, but 
 she probably will some day. 
 
 Money (C) Will she? 
 
 41
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Ho well (taps forehead) None! None! 
 
 Sergeant (rises, ignoring Howell) Now, what do you 
 know about this telephone message to police headquarters 
 awhile ago? 
 
 Parks (R of desk) Could it have been Mrs. Fleming 
 herself who 'phoned? 
 
 Sergeant (L of desk) We'll get in touch with her and 
 find out. When did this Mr. Howell . . . first turn up 
 here? 
 
 Parks A week ago, sir. 
 
 Sergeant You say there was a woman with him? 
 
 Parks Yes, sir. (All listening.) 
 
 Sergeant Was it his wife? 
 
 Parks I presume so, sir. 
 
 Howell (Xes to Sergeant; glaring at Parks) You pre- 
 sume so ! Yes, there was a woman with me my wife was 
 with me what the devil has that got to do with it? 
 
 (Parks picks up grip and goes up R, puts grip on floor 
 and is going up steps.) 
 
 Sergeant Everything! The woman in the case usually 
 makes it ten times worse. (Howell crosses to L. To 
 Parks.) Come here you! 
 
 (Mooney and Kearney rush up and grab Parks, drag 
 him down C, Mooney L of him, Kearney R. Up to 
 this business Kearney has held position at R. Police 
 drag Parks down struggling. Parks does the split 
 twice as they try to stand him on his feet.) 
 
 Mooney Here you pull yourself together! Sergeant, 
 he's a loose character. 
 
 Sergeant Where is she now? 
 
 Parks (quietly) She sneaked out of the back way about 
 ten minutes ago, sir. 
 
 Howell (rushing for him angrily) WHAT! 
 
 Mooney (stops Howell) Shut up, you! 
 
 (Kearney circles back of desk to down R.) 
 
 Sergeant Ah, now you are getting at it. (To Parks.) 
 You say she sneaked? 
 
 Parks She didn't even stop to put her hat on, sir. 
 
 Howell (jumping at Parks same bus. for Mooney) 
 What's that you're saying? 
 
 Parks (draws away a little) Only the Gospel truth, sir. 
 
 Howell (L C) You come over here and say that. 
 
 Parks It's not at all necessary, sir. 
 
 42
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 (Howell starts for Parks, who retreats R to Kearney, 
 who stops him. Mooney feels in his belt for club, 
 which he has left on sofa.) 
 
 Mooney (C) Where's my club? 
 
 (Howell quickly takes club from sofa and hands it to 
 Mooney. This all comes together. Mooney goes up 
 L C and is above piano, looks out window and comes 
 down L of piano. Howell is below piano. Sergeant 
 LC.) 
 
 Sergeant (L C, turns to Parks) Did Mrs. Howell take 
 anything with her? 
 
 Parks (R of desk) Yes, sir, a small hand bag, sir. 
 
 Sergeant (R C) Does Mrs. Fleming leave her things 
 here, Parks. Silver and dresses? 
 
 Parks (same) Yes, sir. 
 
 Sergeant (Xes to Howell on sofa) So that's what your 
 woman was after. Say, what have you been trying to put 
 over on me? 
 
 Mooney (L of piano) Now I know what the Desk 
 Sergeant meant when he said the thief LIVED HERE ! 
 
 Sergeant (Xes up C) Jim! Search the flat. 
 
 Mooney Yes, sir. 
 
 Howell (to L C, R of sofa) No you don't! You can't 
 search this house without a warrant. I'm a lawyer and I 
 happen to know. 
 
 Sergeant (turns to Mooney) Oh, he's a lawyer. 
 
 Mooney (L of piano) Humor him humor him! 
 
 Howell (rushing to telephone) Yes, I'm a lawyer. I'll 
 get somebody up here who can identify me. 
 
 Sergeant (above desk, stop Howell up R C) No you 
 don't. You can't communicate with anybody. So you're 
 a lawyer, eh? Very well, then-, we'll get a search warrant, 
 Jim! 
 
 Mooney Yes, sir. (Crosses above piano to up L C.) 
 
 Sergeant (up C) I'm going back to headquarters. You 
 stay here. 
 
 Mooney (up L C) Yes, sir. 
 
 Sergeant (indicates R I) Kearney! Go out there! 
 
 Kearney Yes, sir. (Exits R I.) 
 
 Sergeant Mooney ! See where that window leads. 
 (Mooney goes out on balcony L. Howell starts for door 
 L C.) No you don't. You can't play that game on me. 
 
 43
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Mooney (entering from window L C) Three stories to 
 the ground. 
 
 Sergeant Good ! 
 
 Kearney (enters R I) Back stairs, sir. 
 
 Sergeant Guard them, and don't let anybody get away. 
 
 Kearney Yes, sir. (Exits R I.) 
 
 Sergeant Now, Mooney, you stay here till I get a war- 
 rant. Watch that hallway. If anyone calls, let them come 
 in we may get some accomplices ! 
 
 Mooney Yes, sir. 
 
 (Parks is still down R.) 
 
 Sergeant (up R C) But understand don't let anybody 
 get out. 
 
 Mooney They can come in, but they can't get out. 
 
 Howell (to Sergeant, C) Now see here, you're inter- 
 fering with my personal business. 
 
 Sergeant That will do, "Mr. Lawyer." Mooney, keep 
 your eye on him, he's the biggest crook of the lot and 
 also on the Sweed. (Indicates Parks. Exits L C. Mooney 
 L C below door.) 
 
 Howell (comes down toward desk L of it; Parks retreats 
 up stage R of desk. Furiously to Parks) Now see what 
 you've done, you idiot? What do you mean by casting 
 suspicion upon me? (He tries to catch Parks, who evades 
 him.) 
 
 Parks (up R, above desk. Now up R C) I didn't cast 
 suspicion upon you, sir. The circumstances. . . . 
 
 Howell (circles front of desk to R of it) You said Mrs. 
 Howell SNEAKED out the back way ! 
 
 Parks (coming down to L of desk R C) I may have 
 chosen the word injudiciously, sir, but Mrs. Howell's man- 
 ner was MOST unusual. 
 
 Howell (R of desk) You're crazy. Why SHOULD 
 she sneak out the back way? 
 
 Parks (L of desk) I couldn't say, sir. 
 
 Howell I don't believe she DID! (Parks suddenly 
 makes a dash for door L C. Howell follows, crosses stage 
 to door L C.) I'll soon find out about all this. I'll. . . . 
 
 (As Parks reaches door, Mooney opens it and enters. 
 Parks retreats down L to below piano.) 
 
 Mooney (in doorway up L C) You can come in, but 
 you can't go out ! 
 
 44
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Howell (up C front of closet) You've no authority to 
 keep me here by force. 
 
 Mooney (L of Howell, up L. C) Oh yes, I have. My 
 orders are to let nobody out, and I'm going to obey orders. 
 
 Howell (up C) Well, suppose I just gave you a little 
 push and went out, eh ? 
 
 Mooney (up L C) Give me a little push, eh? Don't 
 make me laugh! If you tried anything like that, I'd go 
 and get a healthy cop and have you pinched ! 
 
 Howell (up C) But I've got to go out, I tell you. This 
 whole thing is absurd. I've got to find my wife. 
 
 Mooney (up L C) If you were a sane man you would 
 be glad that you lost your wife. Very sorry, sir, but no- 
 body gets out of this house until that Sergeant gets back. 
 
 Howell (Xing to stair R C, half way up) All right! 
 All right! But someone's going to suffer for this. (Going 
 up steps.) From now on I'm with the Germans. (Exits 
 R C.) 
 
 (Parks and Mooney look at each other.) 
 
 Parks He didn't. He meant you. 
 
 Mooney I heard him. He said you. (Exits L C, clos- 
 ing door.) 
 
 Parks (comes down to L C) No he didn't! He didn't! 
 
 Susie (puts head in at door R I) Have they gone? 
 
 Parks Who? 
 
 Susie The soldiers. 
 
 Parks Soldiers ! Crikie, the police. Yes, but they are 
 surrounding the house. (R to F P for cigars.) I told you 
 these people were blooming bounders. Now it turns out 
 they are a set of thieves. 
 
 Susie (Xes to L C after Parks is at F P right. Scratches 
 one leg with other foot.) Thieves? 
 
 Parks (Xes to desk and sits L of it) Certainly. The 
 police sergeant told me so; that's why no one is allowed to 
 leave the apartment. A jolly nice mess we are in all of us. 
 
 Susie (L C) Why do you say we we didn't do nothing. 
 
 Parks (seated L of desk) But how do they know that? 
 That's the way the police work. They suspect EVERY- 
 body until SOMEbody proves that NObody had anything 
 to do with it. 
 
 Susie (leg bus. Parks see it) Somebody everybody 
 nobody you talk like a crowd on the corner. 
 
 45
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Parks (seated L of desk) Well, thank Gawd, my con- 
 science is clean. I shan't object if they wish to search me. 
 
 Susie (L C. Lifts leg Parks sees it) What do you 
 mean search ? 
 
 Parks (seated L of desk. Lights cigar) Well, usually, 
 when they has a house under suspicion, they searches 
 everybody in it to make sure. 
 
 Susie (leg bus. Parks sees it) Do they search you all 
 over? 
 
 Parks They most certainly does. 
 
 Susie (L C) Everywhere? 
 
 Parks (seated L of desk) Yes, everywhere. But what 
 have we to fear? 
 
 Susie (L C. Scratch) Oh my Gawd, I am sick! 
 
 Parks (rises, Xes to C) What is it what is it? 
 
 Susie (Xes back to Parks L C) What would they do 
 if they found you HAD something they didn't expect? 
 
 Parks Arrest you for receiving stolen plunder. 
 
 Susie But suppose you were going to to try and get 
 the reward? 
 
 Parks (C) You'd have a very hard time to prove it. 
 Why are you making all these inquiries? 
 
 Susie (L C) Well, I thought, maybe, there would be a 
 chance to get the reward. 
 
 Parks (C) Do you know anything? 
 
 Susie (L C) Yes. 
 
 Parks (C) What? 
 
 Susie (goes to below sofa) I wish to Gawd I was back 
 in Sioux City. (Leg bus.) 
 
 Parks (imitating her leg business) What are you doing 
 that all the time for? (Imitate Susie.) 
 
 Susie (L at end of sofa) Poisoned ivory. I got it in 
 Central Park! 
 
 Parks (L C, goes up C to R C) Oh rot, bally rot! 
 
 (Ned and Daphne enter. Ned up to C, and Daphne R 
 of desk.) 
 
 Ned (crossing to C) Parks, where is everybody? 
 
 Parks (goes up C circle above desk off R I) Gone 
 out, sir. (Exits R I.) 
 
 (Susie is awkwardly lifting one foot and then the other.) 
 
 Daphne (R of desk) That's funny. Can't understand it. 
 
 Ned What's that, Susie? A new dance? 
 
 Susie (crosses toward R C) Yes, sir, that's the Ostrich 
 
 46
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 trot. Mr. Ned, do you remember the time you told me 
 about the man that had the scalped ticket to Sioux City? 
 
 Ned (to L C) Yes, Susie. 
 
 Susie (at R C, L of desk) Well, if you see him, will 
 you tell him, for me my heart just bleeds for that ticket. 
 
 Daphne (R of desk working up stage) Why, Susie, do 
 you wish to go home as much as that? 
 
 Susie (R C) Yes'm. I want to go so bad I'd go on 
 the Erie. 
 
 Daphne (up R of desk) Oh, Ned, if she really wants 
 to go that bad, you get her a ticket. 
 
 Ned (L C) Would it please you very much? 
 
 Daphne (up R) Yes, it really would. 
 
 Ned (Xes to her R C) Then Susie, I'll get you a ticket 
 as soon as I can get down town. 
 
 Susie (starts to embrace him. To him) Oh, you beau- 
 tiful creature. (Goes R.) What Heaven to be married 
 to a man like you and living in Sioux City. (Exits R I.) 
 
 Daphne (Xes toward up C) WELL UPON MY 
 WORD ! 
 
 Ned. (Xes to C to Daphne, Xes to C left of desk) Well, 
 I wouldn't! (Embrace, kissing Daphne's cheek. Howell 
 enters down steps and Xes to R of desk, sits.) 
 
 Howell What's all this? 
 
 Ned (kissing Daphne) You tell him. 
 
 Daphne No, you tell him. 
 
 Ned No, I can't *you tell him. 
 
 Daphne (Xes to Howell back of his chair, puts her arms 
 around his neck) Something wonder ful's happened and 
 I'm so happy, I'm so gloriously happy it HURTS! (She 
 kisses the top of his head and runs out slamming door 
 R I E.) 
 
 Howell (seated R of desk) I should think it did. What 
 is the matter with her? 
 
 Ned (crossing down to C) I'm the matter with her. 
 I've proposed to her! 
 
 Howell (cross below desk to C) Oh! Good. (He 
 shakes hands.) You didn't lose any time! 
 
 Ned (L C) Man! I went to it as soon as I knew those 
 letters were safe in your hands. I'd have done it before 
 only Vera was threatening to sue me for breach of promise. 
 
 Howell Hmmm ! ( Produces packet of letters given him 
 by King.) And here they are! I saved them so that you 
 
 47
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 might have the satisfaction of detroying them yourself. 
 (Xes to L C.) 
 
 Ned (Xes to front of desk, sighing, regarding the 
 packet) My God, the sleepless nights I spent over these 
 things ! 
 
 Howell (to him) Composing them? 
 
 Ned No ! Wishing I had 'em back. Did you read any 
 of them? 
 
 Howell Of course not ! What the deuce do you think 
 I am? 
 
 Ned (sits on desk) They are classics, my boy, classics! 
 I'm not much on speech but my God, I certainly can write 
 letters. 
 
 Howell (L of desk) After all this, you better forget 
 how. 
 
 Ned (on desk) I'm cured. I wouldn't sign my name to 
 a letter to my mother. And now I've got them. George, 
 old boy, you're the greatest lawyer in the world. 
 
 Howell (L of desk) I admit it. 
 
 (Ned is looking through packet, unties it, the envelopes- 
 are empty. He peels them off one by one, first slowly, 
 then swiftly.) 
 
 Ned Hello empty the envelopes are empty ! ( X to 
 R of desk.) 
 
 Howell What's wrong. (He sits up.) 
 
 Ned EMPTY! 
 
 Howell WHAT ? 
 
 Ned I tell you all the letters have been taken out of 
 the envelopes. 
 
 Howell Impossible. Let ME see. 
 
 Ned Why, you boob she's double crossed you ! 
 
 Howell No, she hasn't, but I know who has. Well, I'll 
 be damned! (Xes to L at sofa.) 
 
 Ned (R of desk) You'll be damned? No, I'll be 
 damned! (Turns R, circle above desk and comes down C 
 to L C to Howell at sofa.) Five hundred dollars worth of 
 candy and flowers and taxi cabs gone to hell and she still 
 has my letters ! (Coming down L C.) You blooming blun- 
 derer! I'm in a worse fix now than I was before you 
 addle-pated ass you doddering dub you angular, ema- 
 ciated ignorant imbecile! (Xes to C.) 
 
 Howell (front of sofa) That'll do you! 
 
 Ned That'll do me! I'm done. Daphne's sure to- 
 
 48
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 announce the engagement and it'll get into the papers and 
 Vera'll hear of it and start suit at once. And Daphne'll 
 throw me . . . (Crosses to R C.) 
 
 Howell (at L C) Well, if you hadn't been in such a 
 hurry to propose 
 
 Ned (at L C, back to Howell L on sofa, slain him down) 
 And you're a lawyer! You great big, chuckle-headed 
 boob! 
 
 Howell Haven't you forgotten something? 
 
 Ned Why, I wouldn't have proposed to Daphne if you 
 hadn't assured me you had the letters. I should have known 
 better than to trust you. You haven't got brains enough 
 to fill a tablespoon. (At L C. Pushes Howell down in 
 sofa.) 
 
 Howell (on sofa) What? 
 
 Ned (to L of desk, sit) I take that back. No. I mean a 
 teaspoon. 
 
 Howell After all the trouble I took to get them back, 
 YOU turn on me like THIS ! 
 
 Ned (seated L of desk) What do you want me to do, 
 KISS you? 
 
 Howell (L C) No. I've had trouble enough for one 
 day. 
 
 Ned (desperately. Seated L of desk) There's only one 
 way out that I can see. Settle with her. 
 
 Howell (down L) What are you going to use for 
 money? (Xes to R C to Ned.) You better settle that five 
 hundred with me first. 
 
 Ned I'll raise the money somehow. Hush money ! 
 
 Howell (Xes to Ned at sofa) If you begin paying her 
 hush money, you're lost. Now, you leave the whole thing 
 in my hands, I'll fix you up. (Crosses to L of desk by end 
 of line and sits, thumbs in vest pockets, legs crossed.) 
 
 Ned (same bus.) Yes, YOU'LL fix me up. (Xes to 
 Howell, shakes his hand.) Old man, you're all to the good 
 as a friend, and I appreciate all you've done to me. (Back 
 to sofa.) But as a fixer you're an undertaker. By George! 
 
 Howell Well? (Rise at R C.) 
 
 Ned (crosses below piano, up L, down C, circle to L C, 
 and come down C) I'll. be giggered. I've got it. (Five 
 times.) It's a cinch! (Five times.} It's a pipe! (Five 
 times.) (Mooney on and off, meet.) 
 
 Howell (meets Ned after circles to L C, comes down C 
 
 49
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 with him) You're a nut you're a nut. Say, you poor 
 nut, what are you doing? (At door C.) 
 
 Ned (down C L of Howell) I'll get Daphne to marry 
 me to-day. 
 
 Howell (C) What good will that do? 
 
 Ned (L C) If Daphne and I are married before Vera 
 can interfere, Daphne can't throw me over, don't you see? 
 
 Howell (C) But will Daphne marry you on such short 
 notice ? 
 
 Ned (L C) Sure she will. Look at my chest. 
 
 Howell (C) I hope she will. Seems pretty quick. 
 
 Ned (L C) That's the way I work. She'll do anything 
 I say! 
 
 Howell She'll do anything you say? 
 
 Ned And Daphne's got a LOT of common sense. 
 
 Howell You hate yourself, don't you? Go to it then. 
 (Slaps Ned on back.) 
 
 Ned (briskly to R I. Pause) You bet I will. (Cross- 
 ing to door R I. Faint voice calls off R I.) Daphne. Oh, 
 DAPHNE ! 
 
 Howell (X to L C) Why speak so harshly? 
 
 Daphne (off stage R) Yes . . . coming . . . 
 
 Ned (R, to Howell) Now, whatever I say, you say 
 yes to. 
 
 Howell (L C) All right. 
 
 Daphne (enters R I, Xes to Howell C) I've just been 
 writing my most intimate friends announcing our engage- 
 ment. (She has handful of letters. Ned sinks on seat 
 below desk.) Isn't it perfectly wonderful? (Xes to 
 Howell L C.) 
 
 Howell (C L) Of course! Congratulations! Many 
 happy returns of the day! (Both men signal behind 
 Daphne's back as she turns from one to the other during 
 pause.) Daphne, Ned has something to say to you! 
 
 Daphne (C) What now? 
 
 Ned (laughs. R of desk. Pause) Something has hap- 
 pened to change my plans. 
 
 Daphne (C) What plans? 
 
 Ned (R. Playing for time) About the wedding you 
 know. 
 
 Daphne (C, startled) Why, what do you mean? 
 
 Ned (to her C, circle below desk) Daphne, I want you 
 
 50
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 to agree to be married at once today let's elope will 
 you? 
 
 Daphne (C, amazed) ELOPE? 
 
 Ned (R C) Before before anyone can interfere. 
 
 Daphne (C) Who is likely to interfere? 
 
 Ned (R C, at a loss) No one- 
 Daphne (turns to each. In pause) Well? 
 
 Ho well (L C, butting in) You see, I've been telling Ned 
 being engaged is like looking at a FULL MEAL with- 
 out a RESTAURANT window. 
 
 Ned (R C, hopefully) Yes, and I don't see the sense 
 of WAITING till the whole thing is cold. 
 
 Daphne (C) Are you discussing my wedding or a table 
 d'hote dinner? 
 
 Howell (L C) A table d'hote wedding. 
 
 Ned (R C) No! Your wedding of course. You see 
 it's this way, Daphne, we know our own minds, don't we? 
 WE don't have to stall around to find out whether we want 
 to get married or not? (Looks at Howell.) Do we? 
 
 Howell (L C) Yes! 
 
 Ned (R C) No. (They turn Daphne first one way and 
 then the other.) 
 
 Howell (LC) No! 
 
 Ned (R C) No. 
 
 Daphne (a step toward him) BUT, Ned, you talked so 
 differently a few moments ago. You AGREED with me 
 then that we should wait ! 
 
 Ned (R C) Ye-es, but 
 
 Howell (L C) He hadn't stopped to think then. 
 
 Ned (R C) No, I hadn't stopped to think! 
 
 Howell (L C) You came at him so suddenly, you know. 
 
 Ned (R C) Yes, you took an unfair advantage of me, 
 Daphne ! 
 
 Daphne (C, indignant) WHAT ! 
 
 Ned (R C) But after you left I began to realize how 
 long three months were going to seem 
 
 Howell Almost four months. 
 
 Ned Without you. And I got an inspiration. 
 
 Howell Yes, even he got an inspiration ! (To L a little.) 
 
 Daphne What was the inspiration? 
 
 Ned You tell her. 
 
 Howell (comes back to her) I was telling Ned, why 
 shouldn't we jump into a taxi slip off to City Hall, get a
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 license and be married by an Alderman before anyone 
 suspects our secret. 
 
 Ned Wouldn't that be romantic! 
 
 Daphne (stamps foot) No! No! I don't think it would 
 be romantic at all. To be married in City Hall in THIS 
 dress and by a fat Alderman. Without bridesmaids or 
 ushers or a wedding banquet or ANYTHING! (Howell 
 crosses back of Daphne to R C. Ned front of her.) 
 
 Howell But what good are a lot of bridesmaids and 
 ushers ? 
 
 Daphne (C, turn on him) Why are you so anxious about 
 it ? It isn't going to be YOUR wedding. 
 
 Howell (R C) I should hope not! 
 
 Ned (now L C) HE didn't have a big wedding and he 
 and Ottily are happy enough. 
 
 Daphne (C, to Ned) I won't have you taking HIM for 
 your model. He went away and left my sister the day after 
 the wedding. You brute! (Stamps foot at Howell R C.) 
 
 Howell Brute? (Goes up C.) 
 
 Ned (arms around her) Yes, brute brute! That WAS 
 very wrong of him, but I'm different. 
 
 Howell (at steps) What? 
 
 Daphne (C, in Ned's arms) Ned wouldn't do such a 
 thing, would you, dear? 
 
 Ned (C) Certainly not, sweetheart! (Waves to Howell 
 behind Daphne's back.) 
 
 Howell (going up steps) Go on, Ned. You can make 
 her do anything she wants to, when she wants to. (Exits 
 up steps.) 
 
 Ned (releases her) Daphne, you ought to be glad to 
 get it over. The sooner we were married, the better you'd 
 like it. 
 
 Daphne (Xes down L) I've had my heart set on a big, 
 showy wedding and I've practically arranged all the de- 
 tails. (Goes L.) 
 
 Ned (to R C, turn) DETAILS? Suffering Moses I 
 only PROPOSED an hour ago ! 
 
 Daphne But don't you suppose I knew you were GO- 
 ING to 
 
 Ned (goes R to R of desk) Then why didn't you help 
 me out? 
 
 Daphne (crossing to him front of desk) Oh, Ned, a 
 
 52
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 girl ought to have her own way about her wedding, at least 
 if she never does afterwards ! 
 
 Ned (R, desperately) But, Daphne, I have an awful 
 premonition that we'll never be married at all if you don't 
 marry me at once. 
 
 Daphne (R C front of desk) Premonition? (Drawing 
 away impatiently.) You don't believe in such things. 
 
 Ned (R of her) I never did believe in them before, 
 but I'm getting older and more superstitious. 
 
 Daphne (backing to C; suspiciously) Something has 
 been happening here. What was it? 
 
 Ned (follows to R C) Nothing, except that I got this 
 strange feeling. 
 
 Daphne Ned Pembroke, you are lying to me ! 
 
 Ned (indignantly. Take R, X back to her) You have 
 no right to make such an accusation. 
 
 Daphne (C) Why should we be married in haste it's 
 a question of common sense. 
 
 Ned (follows her) What has common sense to do with 
 weddings ? 
 
 Daphne (to him C) Perhaps you proposed to. me on the 
 impulse of the moment? 
 
 Ned (at C) Perhaps YOU'D be GLAD to be released? 
 
 Daphne (at C) Not at all, but I'll manage to live 
 through it if you want to break it off. 
 
 Ned Of course I don't want to break it off. You evi- 
 dently don't care whether we're married next week or next 
 month or next YEAR ! (Go R.) 
 
 Daphne (follows to below desk) I do. . . . 
 
 Ned You don't. . . . 
 
 Daphne I do ! 
 
 Ned (R) You don't. 
 
 Daphne (R C) I do I do I do I do I do! 
 
 Ned All right, you win, by that much. (Indicates with 
 arms.) 
 
 Daphne (front of desk R C, Xes to L of desk) You're 
 keeping something from me. I won't be kept in the dark. 
 
 Ned (up to door L C, get hat) Very well, you shall 
 have your own way, then, since you insist, but if we're mar- 
 ried at all, it'll be YOUR fault. (Grabs hat from table 
 by door.) 
 
 Daphne Ned ! ( Starts toward him as he starts for 
 door.) 
 
 53
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Ned (turns to her. She appears indifferent) Don't for- 
 get that! 
 
 Daphne (same bus.) NED! (Ned opens the hall door 
 without answering and is stopped by the policeman who 
 backs him to above C. Daphne sinks in chair L of desk.) 
 Police so that's it ! 
 
 Mooney You can come in but you can't go out ! 
 
 Ned (backed frightened against closet door up C, 
 Mooney L of him) WHAT! WHAT! What the devil 
 do you mean? 
 
 Mooney Those are my orders, sir. You can't leave here 
 until the sergeant comes with the warrant. 
 
 Daphne (up to him and brings him C) Warrant? NED 
 PEMBROKE! (Tragically.) WHAT HAVE YOU 
 DONE? 
 
 Ned (comes down C. Mooney down L C. Daphne down 
 R C) N nothing! He must be crazy! Tell her your 
 crazy ! 
 
 Mooney (down L C) I'M crazy! 
 
 Daphne (down R C) Ned Pembroke, you tell me the 
 truth ! 
 
 Ned I AM telling you the truth. I haven't done ANY- 
 THING! Captain, tell her I haven't done anything. 
 
 Mooney We have no proof against him yet. Of 
 course you can't tell, he (Turns L.) 
 
 Daphne (drawing away) You have! That's why you 
 wanted me to marry you ! Marry you at once, eh ? 
 
 (She turns hastily and exits through doors R I, passing 
 Parks who is coming in. He turns to stare after her. 
 Ned having altercation with Mooney, who shoves Ned 
 into Parks as soon as Parks turns R to stare after 
 Daphne. Ned bumps into Parks. 'Phone rings until 
 Parks sits.) 
 
 Ned Confound you ! Get out of the way answer that ! 
 (Swings Parks out of his way and off R I. Parks spins 
 round, circling below desk to L of it, and lands in chair 
 L of desk.) 
 
 Mooney (pushing chair under him) Safe on second! 
 (Turns up stage.) 
 
 Parks (seated L of desk. In 'phone) Are you there? 
 I say, are you there? 
 
 Mooney (up L C, turns and comes down) You bet I'M 
 here. 
 
 54
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Parks (to 'phone) Yes yes, madame. Oh, Mrs. Flem- 
 ing I'm glad it's you, madam. (Lowers his voice, smoothes 
 his hair.) 
 
 Mooney You think you're having your picture taken. 
 
 Parks I can't tell whether these people are spooring me, 
 or whether they are a pack of thieves. Yes, madam, very 
 good, madam. Yes, I think you HAD better come at once. 
 We didn't want to disturb you, madam. Very good, madam. 
 We shall expect you. (He hands up receiver, rises, starts 
 toward door L C, Mooney stops him.) 
 
 Mooney (C) That's the way out. (Points to R I.) 
 
 Parks (sarcastically, putting handkerchief in sleeve, 
 crosses down to R) N-u-n-none! Ha! (Exits R I.) 
 
 Mooney (takes handkerchief out of hat, sticks it in his 
 sleeve) And them are the guys that rule Hand! 
 
 ( Slight noise off L C ; he sneaks up to left door L C 
 with club raised, well L of door. OTTILY opens 
 door; she has jewels in case in her hand, and an over- 
 coat over her house gown. Mooney gets behind door 
 as it opens. Ottily and Miss Winnacker enter, creep- 
 ing stealthily in. They do not see Jim until they close 
 the door, then they turn and confront him; both scream 
 and attempt to go out, but he bars the way, almost 
 hitting them with club.) 
 
 Mooney I beg your pardon. I beg your pardon. You 
 can come in, but try and get out ! Try and get out ! ( Exits 
 L C, closing door.) 
 
 Auntie (having crossed to front of desk) Now I hope 
 you are satisfied. Here we are back again exactly as we 
 were before, and this time we CAN'T get out. 
 
 Ottily (C. Clutching hand bag) Well at least we got 
 the wire off ! 
 
 Auntie (down R) Ottily, if you persist in shielding this 
 self-confessed and barefaced scoundrel, I wash my hands 
 of the whole affair. (Exits R I, slams door.) 
 
 Ho well (comes down steps) Ottily! In Heaven's name 
 where have you been? Xes to C, R of Ottily, L of desk.) 
 Parks said he saw you SNEAKING out the rear way. . . . 
 
 Ottily (C) It was the only way I could get out unseen. 
 The detective was there at the door. . . . 
 
 Howell (to her C) That wasn't a detective. . . . 
 
 Ottily (C, L of him) Don't try to lie to me. I'm going 
 
 55
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 to do everything in my power to help you, but you MUST 
 tell me the truth. Why did you do this dreadful thing? \ 
 
 Howell (L C) What dreadful thing? 
 
 Ottily (R C) Steal Mrs. Pembroke's jewels? 
 
 Howell Steal Mrs. Pembroke's jewels? I? Why, 
 Ottily, you're crazy ! I didn't steal Mrs. Pembroke's jewels ! 
 
 Ottily (holding up handbag) Don't deny it. I took them 
 out of your OWN bag. Now will you try to deny it ? 
 
 Howell (utterly astounded, gasping) Good Lord! What 
 is it? 
 
 Ottily The things you stole! I'm going to return them 
 to Mrs. Pembroke and confess everything. I've wired to 
 her already. 
 
 Howell (R C. Has been thinking hard) You opened 
 that grip and took the Pembroke jewels OUT? And you 
 still have them? 
 
 Ottily (L C) Yes. 
 
 Howell (R C) And you didn't put them back? 
 
 Ottily No ! ( Howell throws back his head and shouts 
 with laughter. Ottily is startled, troubled, crosses R below 
 desk, then up R back and R of it.) What is it? What's 
 the matter? 
 
 Howell (still laughing, up and down R) You've double- 
 chrossed him ! You've double-crossed him, just as he 
 double-crossed me ! 
 
 Ottily (comes to R C, L of desk) I don't understand! 
 
 Howell But you will in a minute. Let me see them. 
 (Circles below desk to her R C. She retreats to L C. He 
 holds out his hand.) 
 
 Ottily Promise me first you will let me return these to 
 Mrs. Pembroke. 
 
 Howell Of course I promise. (She reluctantly takes 
 case out of hand bag, hands him the case. He snatches it. 
 She turns her head away, with a sigh. He opens case, finds 
 it empty. L of desk.) Why, it's empty! 
 
 Ottily (turns to him) WHAT! 
 
 Howell There are no jewels here ! 
 
 Ottily (turns swiftly and sees empty case. Rushes to 
 him, backs him against desk, searching him) George! 
 Give them to me! You mustn't do that! (At cue.) 
 
 Howell (R C, feels in his pocket) Good Lord, you don't 
 think I lifted them, do you? 
 
 Ottily (starts to cry) Oh, dear! Auntie was right! 
 
 56
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 She says you just can't help it. It's in your blood! It's in 
 your blood ! 
 
 Howell (Xes to L) Says it's in my blood! I can't help 
 it ! I can't help it ! I can't help it ! Ha ! ha ! 
 
 Ottily (follows to L C. Threatening he means it) 
 But you must, dear. You must try. Give them back to me. 
 Please give them back. 
 
 Howell (comes to her L C) I tell you they weren't in 
 the box. Search me ! 
 
 Ottily (starts to search him, turns away to C) No, I 
 wouldn't insult you by distrusting you ! 
 
 Howell Yes, how could you have thought I was a thief ! 
 
 Ottily (turns to him) But you did take them in the first 
 place ! 
 
 Howell (L C) No! It was the other thief! 
 
 Ottily (C) The other thief? 
 
 Howell (L C) Can't you understand? The grip you 
 opened wasn't my grip. I had gotten it by mistake. 
 
 Ottily (C) Yes, I remember! The man said he had 
 yours. 
 
 Howell (L C) Of course. 
 
 Ottily (embracing him, C) And you're not a thief ! Oh, 
 my darling ! How could I have mistrusted you ! I'll never 
 doubt you again. Never! Now that I know you are inno- 
 cent I am perfectly happy. Everything is all right ! 
 
 Howell (C) No, sweetheart. 
 
 Ottily (suddenly remembers; releases him) Good 
 Heavens ! 
 
 Howell (C) What's the matter now? 
 
 Ottily I've wired Mrs. Pembroke to come for her jewels. 
 I told her the necklace was here. 
 
 Howell Well ? 
 
 Ottily And now it's gone ! How can we explain ! How 
 can we explain? 
 
 Howell (Xes to R C) Wait! Wait! Let me think. 
 When did you last see the necklace? 
 
 Ottily (to R C) It was there when I put the case in my 
 bag, and I haven't let it out of my hand since. No one even 
 knew I had them except Auntie. 
 
 Howell (R C, goes R) Oh, I don't THINK SHE'D 
 take them. 
 
 Ottily (goes L to sofa) George! 
 
 57
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Howell (comes to C) Are you sure you didn't lay them 
 down for an instant ANYWHERE? 
 
 Ottily (to C, thinking) Oh! (L C.) I just remem- 
 bered. I did lay it down for a moment in here. 
 
 Howell (C) Who else was in the room? 
 
 Ottily (L C) Ned! He came in and got Daphne's 
 vanity case. He was whistling. There was something 
 strange about that whistle. 
 
 Howell (C) But . . . he wouldn't have taken them. He 
 didn't even know you HAD them. 
 
 Ottily (L C) He said this morning in my hearing that 
 he could USE $30,000. 
 
 Howell (C) Do you know anyone who couldn't use 
 $30,000? 
 
 Ottily (L C) Well, I think it's worth while question- 
 ing him. 
 
 Howell (C, to her) I can't ask Ned if he stole his moth- 
 er's jewels from your handbag, can I? 
 
 Ottily Of course not. But couldn't you just sort of get 
 around the subject. For pity's sake, dear, you're a lawyer. 
 
 Howell (Xes to door R I) Yes, I'm a lawyer. I'm a 
 fine young lawyer. (Dubiously.) Mmm well, I'll see 
 what I can do. (He starts toward door.) 
 
 Ottily (staring after him. Howell goes to door C plac- 
 ing case on table, calls off R I. Ottily to L of desk) 
 Ned oh, Ned! Come here a moment. (Xes to C.) 
 
 (Ned enters, looking gloomy and depressed, comes to 
 below desk, brigtening as he sees Howell. Daphne 
 comes on R I to R of desk, stands. Ned sits on seat 
 below desk.) 
 
 Ned Oh, I'm still here no danger of my getting away 
 with both the front and back doors guarded like Sing Sing. 
 If you can tell me the reason for that 
 
 Howell (L C, comes to L of desk) We're going to tell 
 you the reason. 
 
 Ottily (R C) That's why we sent for you. 
 
 Howell (above desk. Rather blankly) Mmm yes 
 it's all a mistake you see, I 
 
 Ottily (R C) Let ME explain, dear. (She approaches 
 Ned, who is puzzled.) A dreadful thing has happened. A 
 client gave George a package to take care of, without 
 telling him what was in it. And I opened it by mistake, 
 and what do you think I found? 
 
 58
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Ned (on seat) The Flatiron Building. 
 Ottily Your mother's rubies. 
 
 Ned Wh-at? (Daphne R, unnoticed, stands listening.) 
 Ottily (L of desk) I put them into my handbag and 
 telegraphed at once to your mother to come for them. But, 
 in the meantime, I laid my handbag down for a moment 
 in this room and when I opened it again the rubies were 
 gone! 
 
 Ned Now you see them and now you don't ! 
 Ottily The police seem to think we've had something 
 to do with STEALING them and we're ALL going to 
 be SEARCHED. 
 
 Howell Yes. The sergeant has gone now for a warrant, 
 
 Ned (not realizing that they suspect him) Well, what 
 
 do you want me to do? (He looks from one to the other.) 
 
 Howell (L C) I thought you might have seen the 
 
 handbag lying open and might have recognized the jewels 
 
 I thought possibly you knew something about them 
 
 Ottily We thought you had taken them. (Daphne utters 
 a piercing scream and faints.) 
 
 Daphne That's what you've done. 
 Ned (on seat below desk) Daphne! (Turning.) 
 Daphne So that's what you've done. Ned's a thief ! 
 (He runs to her as does Howell. Daphne faints in Ned's 
 arms.) 
 
 Howell (Xing to Daphne) Parks here Parks! 
 (When Daphne faints Ned catches her across his L arm, 
 he being L of her. Parks enters R I, supports her on 
 his R arm, being R of her. Howell replaces Ned, who 
 comes front of Daphne, who hangs across men's arms 
 head down stage. Howell and Parks each put an arm 
 below Daphne's knees, lifting her to a horizontal posi- 
 tion between them. They carry her to below desk to 
 C, her head toward R, her feet toward L, Ned fol- 
 lows protesting his innocence to Daphne. Daphne oc- 
 casionally screams. When Parks and Howell reach C 
 they turn completely round with Daphne so that Ned 
 has to duck to escape being hit in the head by her feet 
 as they swing to R. Parks and Howell now carry 
 Daphne upstage and off upsteps, rocking her so that 
 first her feet and then her head are in the air. Ned 
 still protesting follows as they take her up stage feet 
 first. Aunt and Ottily follow Ned. The Aunt comes 
 
 59
 
 on R I after Parks. When Daphne is carried to C she 
 
 crosses upstage R to R of steps, Ottily up L of steps. 
 
 During the above business at Susie is at extreme R. 
 
 On the line "water quick" Susie begins rushing back 
 
 and forth between desk and door R I. She keeps this 
 
 up until Daphne and others are nearly off. She then 
 
 goes to desk R of it, grabs glass, takes up pitcher, 
 
 pours water into glass and starts towards steps up 
 
 R C. Mooney, who has come on L C as crowd reaches 
 
 steps and has rushed R and L once or twice, is now 
 
 at L of steps. He sees Susie.) 
 
 Auntie (excitedly) What's happened? 
 
 Ottily (bending over Daphne from one side while Ned is 
 
 at other side) Daphne! She's fainted. Water! Quick! 
 
 Take her up stairs to bed! (They all exit carrying 
 
 Daphne.) 
 
 Ned (following Daphne) Daphne, I'm not a thief! Be- 
 lieve me, Daphne, I'm not a thief ! 
 
 Daphne (moaning hysterically) A thief Ned's a thief! 
 Auntie (rushing above up R) Where's my smelling 
 salts ? Susie, bring some water ! Oh, this terrible day 
 why didn't I stay in Yonkers? 
 
 Mooney What the hell is going on now? 
 Susie (to him foot of steps) You got it right. 
 Mooney What ? 
 
 Susie Hell and I am trying to put it out with a glass 
 of water. 
 
 Mooney (grabs her hand) Water gimme a drink of it 
 I am as dry as dust. (Takes glass in right hand.) 
 
 Ned Where's that water? (Rushes down stairs. Grabs 
 water just as Jim is about to drink rushes up.) You 
 jibbering idiot ! 
 
 Mooney-7 you young . . . (Drawing club and starting up 
 steps after Ned, hits at him and strikes steps. Exit Ned 
 up steps. Susie drags Mooney down C by coat tails.) 
 Mooney (C) I hit him once! I hit him once! 
 Susie Wait I'll get you something better. 
 Mooney (down C) Will you now? 
 
 Susie (down C) Do I look like a girl that made many 
 promises? Sure I will I'll get you a sandwich and a 
 glass of er warm milk. 
 
 Mooney Hot milk oh ! Say, you are immense. When 
 this battle is over, I'll come around and SEE you. 
 
 60
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Susie All right. Come on in the kitchen. (Starts R C 
 with him arm in arm.) 
 
 Mooney (stops) Don't tempt me ! Don't tempt me ! Get 
 thee behind me, Satinees. I'm only fooling. Wait. (Up 
 to door L C.) Kearney, are you awake. 
 
 Kearney (off L) Sure 
 
 Mooney Watch the door a minute. I'm going to be 
 busy. 
 
 Kearney (off L) All right. 
 
 Susie (with whiskey flask) Did you fix it? 
 
 Mooney Sure, I'd go to the end of the world for you, 
 (They X to R L) 
 
 Susie I just love firemen. (They exit R I.) 
 
 (King puts his head in door L C and sneaks on.) 
 
 Mooney (off R as King gets to C) Suppose you let 
 me have a drink? 
 
 (King rushes to door L C and is met by Kearney.) 
 
 Kearney You can come in, but you can't go out. 
 
 (King slams door and ducks into closet up C. Mooney 
 and Susie enter R I. Susie has half a jag. She car- 
 ries a flask half full of whiskey. Mooney has an empty 
 water glass. They come to R C.) 
 
 Mooney (as they cross) I haven't had so much fun since 
 my last birthday. 
 
 Susie (R of him) If you had a thousand dollars would 
 you go to Sioux City? 
 
 Mooney If I had a thousand dollars I'd move Sioux 
 City here. 
 
 Susie Have a little Green River. 
 
 Mooney Sure! Put it here. (Holds out glass.) I like 
 the color. (Susie pours about a teaspoonful of the whiskey 
 into his glass.) 
 
 Mooney (looking into the glass) I'm not robbing you r 
 am I? 
 
 Susie (laughs stupidly) No. There's plenty more in 
 the Green river. (Mooney laughs and drinks, and puts his 
 glass on desk; shines his badge.) I just love uniforms. 
 
 Mooney (pleased) Do you now? 
 
 Susie Yes. My brother wears a uniform. 
 
 Mooney Policeman ? 
 
 Susie No. He washes elephants in the Zoo! 
 
 Mooney (staggers) That whiskey's gone to my head. 
 Well, I got to be going. (Susie to him.) Goodbye, darlin', 
 
 61
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 (Gives her a rough hug.) Excuse me ! Excuse me ! When 
 I'm in love I'm rough. (Exit L C door.) 
 
 Susie (to up L C, turns and crosses to C) Ain't he 
 nervous for a motorman ! (She begins drinking from flask, 
 wandering aimlessly about up C to R C, puts flask on desk, 
 takes it up again, ad lib., until whiskey is all gone. She 
 then puts flask on upstage end of desk and begins dusting 
 in a senseless way various articles, finally knocking 'phone 
 over. She- picks it up and begins dusting it by wiping it 
 on her dress. Puts receiver to her ear. In 'phone:) No, 
 I didn't call. I was just dusting the 'phone. (Has difficulty 
 getting receiver back on hook, then turns and sees King who 
 has come from closet when she put flask down last time. 
 He places his grip down L C by sofa. She must make a 
 definite sound when she puts flask down last time, as it is 
 King's cue to come out of closet. King has been standing 
 C watching her during 'phone and book-dusting business. 
 When Susie turns and sees him after 'phone business she 
 strikes an attitude. Staring at King.) What a crowd! 
 
 (King grabs her, putting his left hand over her mouth. 
 He drags her down L C.) 
 
 King Do you know who I am? I say, do you know 
 who I am? (Shakes her.) Why don't you answer? I 
 say, do you know who I am? 
 
 (Susie makes deaf and dumb signs. King releases her.) 
 
 Susie (C) You needn't tell me unless you want to. 
 
 King (L C) Shut up. I'm a "fly bull" don't bat an 
 eye. I am a "regular," not a "square-toed harness bull" 
 like the "flaties" that got the dump covered. I am a "Pink" 
 got me ? Plain clothes Pink ! 
 
 Susie (C) I'm so fond of flowers. Gee! I like you. 
 
 King (LC) Do you? 
 
 Susie (C) You are the first fellow I ever met that 
 spoke Russian. (Touching his red necktie.) I thought 
 you'd cut your throat. 
 
 King (up C and back) What did you kiss me for a 
 while ago? 
 
 Susie You said you were going to Sioux City. 
 
 King You like Sioux City? 
 
 Susie Love it. 
 
 King Lemme look at you. (Pushes her away.) Yes, 
 YOU would. Well, now, you stand a good chance of get- 
 
 62
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 ting enough coin to go right back to Sioux City, if you will 
 answer a few questions. (Goes L.) 
 
 Susie Anything I know. 
 
 King (back to her) What are the cops sticking around 
 here for? 
 
 Susie Watching. 
 
 King (goes L) Watching for what? 
 
 Susie Thieves and jewelry. 
 
 King (back to C) Oh! Where's Ho well? 
 
 Susie In there, I think. 
 
 King (cross R) Has he been out since the cops came? 
 
 Susie No, he ain't; but his wife has. 
 
 King (R of desk) What she's gone? How long? 
 
 Susie 'Bout half an hour. 
 
 King Hmm tell Howell I want to see him. (Sees 
 jewel case on desk and grabs it.) Wait! Never mind, it's 
 all off! (Crosses to grip L C by sofa.) 
 
 Susie Yes, sir. 
 
 (Retreats up to R C, L of desk. King starts to put case 
 in grip, stoops, opens it and throws it in grip.) 
 
 (King, L C, crosses to Susie R C, grabs her by the neck, 
 with his left hand throwing her in front and to L of 
 him.) 
 
 Susie (staggering down L C) Another rough Romeo! 
 
 King (to her L C, fiercely) How long have you been 
 working for this bunch? 
 
 Susie About a week. 
 
 King They were strangers to you, huh? 
 
 Susie (L C) Yeh why? 
 
 King (C) You look like a good wise kid YES YOU 
 DO! 
 
 Susie (L C) What? 
 
 King I say, you look like a girl that was nobody's fool. 
 God forgive me lying. You are from Sioux City, you say? 
 
 Susie (tries to embrace him) Oh, yes yes yes 
 
 King (throwing her off, crosses above desk to R I) 
 Well, once was enough. Lay off, I am going to put you 
 "hep" to something. You are in here with a bunch of 
 "yeggs." 
 
 Susie Am I? 
 
 King (X front of desk to Susie C) You sure are. 
 
 Susie (C) Eggs. 
 
 King Eggs no, yeggs ! 
 
 63
 
 Susie (C) What are yeggs? 
 
 King Thieves second-story workers you poor simp ! 
 
 Susie A simp? 
 
 King Say, have you got a bun on ? Either that, or you 
 have inhaled a snow storm. Now stand still. I'm going to 
 tell you something and I don't want you to miss any of it. 
 Which is your good ear ? YOUR GOOD EAR ? Say, are 
 you conscious ? Now listen, you are in here and you are in 
 awful bad. Every good mob of guns like this always has 
 a "goat." Do you know what a "goat" is? Don't answer, 
 I'm afraid you'll say "no." You are going to be IT for 
 this bunch. You see, they're framing to grab a rattler and 
 leave you flat on the lot with the peanut bags, see? The 
 joint is sloughed and everybody does a get-away but you. 
 Now, as I told you, I'm a detective. I am looking for some 
 stuff that this Howell gink glooms over in Boston a hand- 
 ful of red rocks. 
 
 Susie (C) Boston the Pembroke emeralds! (Melo- 
 dramatically.) 
 
 King (go to back up C, listening and back) Rubies, you 
 flat skull ! You don't mean emeralds you mean rubies. 
 
 Susie Do I ? 
 
 King I think you do. I don't know. But how did you 
 find this out? 
 
 Susie I read it in the paper there's $1,000 reward. 
 
 King Old stuff old stuff! That's a trick to get hold 
 of the thief. Why, if you had those rocks in your hand 
 and was on your way to give them in for the reward, they'd 
 hold you as an accomplice and slam you in the coop ! 
 
 Susie Slam me in the COOP! 
 
 King Sure! So the thing for you to do Are you 
 asleep? IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING. Of course, 
 after giving you a good look that's a big supposition on 
 my part. But if you do, or if you learn anything, slip your 
 news to me and help me out, and I'll use my influence to 
 see that you don't get mixed up in this. Just for working 
 for these people you could get ten years. Stick to me and 
 I'll see that you only get five. What do you know? 
 
 Susie I don't know nothin'. 
 
 King Well, that's fine just admit it don't boast about 
 it. 
 
 Auntie (off stage) There's some in my bag. I'll get it. 
 
 64
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 King (rushes Susie up C) Just stand there; don't move 
 and don't breathe, and remember you don't know nothing. 
 
 (Grabs bag, puts it behind upstage end of sofa. King 
 goes behind window curtains. Daphne crying off R C.) 
 
 Auntie (comes on, crosses on downstep, reaches on man- 
 tel for smelling salts. To Susie) Did you see my smelling 
 salts ? 
 
 Susie I don't know nothing. (Staring at the place King 
 is threatening her from window.) 
 
 Auntie (looking on desk) I'm sure I left it here some- 
 where. A small handbag. I had a bottle of Spirits of 
 Ammonia in it. Are you sure you haven't seen it? 
 
 Susie (at up end of sofa) I don't know nothing. 
 
 Auntie What are you doing there, you stupid girl? 
 Don't you KNOW your place is in the kitchen? (Absent- 
 mindedly picks up whiskey flask from desk near her hand- 
 bag, upstage end.) 
 
 Susie I don't know nothing. 
 
 Auntie (stops suddenly, looking L, she looks from Susie 
 to the curtains and sees them move, approaches Susie and 
 seizes her by the arm, whispers) Who's behind that cur- 
 tain? 
 
 Susie- I don't know nothing. 
 
 Auntie The detective! (Rushes upstairs and off, shout- 
 ing. ) George Ottily help ! 
 
 (King grabs up grip, goes into closet, threatens Susie 
 with gun. Susie is upstage in front of closet about 
 two feet downstage of it. When King threatens her, 
 she bends quickly as though she expected to be shot 
 in the middle of the back.) 
 
 Susie I don't know nothing. 
 
 King Remember I can shoot through the door. 
 
 (Exits into cupboard taking grip. Voices heard off, then 
 George, Ottily, Ned and Auntie appear on stair.) 
 
 Howell (crossing toward L) Where is he? 
 
 Auntie (still carrying bottle, comes to L of desk, sits) 
 On the balcony on the balcony! 
 
 (Howell crosses, looks out on balcony.) 
 
 Howell (at window, as he and Ned hold back curtains 
 and look out) There's nobody here! (Drops down to 
 L C.) 
 
 Auntie (sits L of desk) Good heavens he must have 
 jumped ! 
 
 65
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Ottily (R of desk) Surely not. We're three stories 
 from the ground. He'd have been killed ! 
 
 Auntie (seated L of desk) Open the window and look 
 out ! Perhaps he's lying mangled underneath ! 
 
 Ned (to window, looks out) Nothing to be seen. 
 (Comes to C.) 
 
 Howell (L C, catches sight of bottle in Auntie's hand) 
 What's this? 
 
 All WHISKEY! 
 
 Ottily (R of desk) AUNTIE! 
 
 Ned And the last time I saw it, it was full ! 
 
 Auntie (startled, confused, rises) I thought it was 
 Spirits of Ammonia. 
 
 Howell No wonder you were seeing things. 
 
 Auntie What do you mean how dare you ! 
 
 DOOR BELL. 
 
 (Bell rings Susie does not move.) 
 
 Howell The sergeant at last now we'll see. Susie, 
 answer the door. 
 
 BELL. 
 
 Ottily and Auntie (together) SUSIE! 
 
 (Susie remains motionless. Howell goes to unlock door 
 as someone pounds on it.) 
 
 Susie I don't know nothin'. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (outside) I say I will go into my apart- 
 ment. 
 
 Mooney You can't go in. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming I will go in. 
 
 Mooney She's in ! 
 
 (Howell throws open the door, Mrs. Fleming enters, a 
 tall, muscular, red - haired woman. Howell comes 
 down L.) 
 
 Howell and Ottily Mrs. Fleming! 
 
 (They seem about to welcome her pleasantly. She freezes 
 them with an angry glance.) 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (X to C) HERE'S a pretty state of 
 things ! Policemen at my door ! A man on the balcony ! 
 The whole apartment house saying my flat is raided. How 
 dare you take advantage of me in this manner? What is 
 the meaning of it? 
 
 Howell (L C) It's all a mistake! 
 
 Mrs. Fleming It WAS a mistake to sublet my apart- 
 
 66
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 ment ! But just because you looked all right, I took you 
 in without a reference. I ought to have known better. 
 
 Ottily How dare you ! 
 
 Mrs. Fleming But I'll have satisfaction! You can't 
 take ME in this way and turn my apartment into a rendez- 
 vous for THIEVES AND CUT THROATS ! 
 
 Auntie (R C, L of desk. Suddenly facing her and 
 bristling) Be careful, woman! 
 
 Mrs. Fleming Who are you? I don't know you. (Up 
 C a little, to Susie.) Who is this person? 
 
 Susie You don't know nothin'. I mean, I don't know 
 nothin'. 
 
 Howell (to C) I'll tell you. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (comes to C) Don't interrupt me. I 
 don't know you. (Down C to Auntie.) What are YOU 
 doing here? 
 
 Auntie (crosses to her C) Behaving like a lady which 
 is more than can be said of you. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (beside herself with rage) Am I to be 
 insulted in my own house? Get out! All of you! This 
 instant ! Do you hear I'll give you ten minutes to pack 
 your things. (Cross to L of desk. Howell L C. Aunt 
 circles above desk and comes down to R of desk.) If you're 
 not out in ten minutes, I'll have you THROWN out. Do 
 you understand! (At desk facing Howell L C, she bangs 
 her parasol on floor.) 
 
 Howell (X to C) You can't eject us this way. We've 
 paid for the use of THIS apartment. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (R C) I'll give you back your money, but 
 you'll have to get out. 
 
 Howell Oh, no, we'll not; but you will. This apart- 
 ment is mine now and you are trespassing! 
 
 Mrs. Fleming Trespassing? I'll see about that! I'll 
 go down and get the superintendent to put you out at once. 
 
 (Mrs. Fleming goes to door L C, throws door open.) 
 
 Mooney (steps in, hand on doorknob) Oh, no, you 
 don't! (He bars the way.) 
 
 Mrs. Fleming You can't stop me. Do you know who 
 I am? 
 
 Mooney No; and I don't CARE who you are. My 
 orders are to let no one out of this apartment, and I'm going 
 to obey my orders. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (swings a little, so as not to cover Mooney) 
 
 67
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 But I'm the owner of this apartment! I'm Mrs. Fleming! 
 
 Mooney I'm Officer Mooney ! 
 
 (Salutes. Backs out and .closes the door behind him. 
 Mrs. Fleming crosses down to below chair L of desk, 
 parasol to desk, takes up 'phone. Howell L C, Ottily 
 up R C, Aunt R of desk, Ned down R.) 
 
 Ottily (crossing and going upsteps) Come, let's go. I 
 shouldn't think of staying here under the circumstances. 
 
 Howell (following) Just leave this to me, dear. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (at 'phone) Hello! Send up the superin- 
 tendent and all the hall boys. I want to have this bunch 
 of hoodlums ejected from my apartment! 
 
 All (Ottily and Howell going upsteps and off at lib) 
 Hoodlums ! The idea ! An outrage ! 
 
 (Auntie and Ned moving toward R I and off. Susie 
 remains front of closet up C.) 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (left of desk, at 'phone) Hello get 
 me O'Brien and Bloomberg lawyers on Rector Street. 
 O'Brien and Bloomberg lawyers I don't know the num- 
 ber. I haven't time to look it up that's what you're being 
 paid for. (King reaches out of closet and draws Susie in, 
 closing closet door. King comes out of closet, locks it and 
 comes C. Mrs. Fleming at 'phone.) Hello did you see 
 my lawyers Mr. O'Brien and Bloomberg? You're sure? 
 Well, call me when you get them. I ... Susie! (Turns, 
 sees King standing at C, screams and rushes to R I.) 
 
 King Nix on the siren ! 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (extreme R) You're another! 
 
 King Eh ? 
 
 Mrs. Fleming The house is full of them ! 
 
 King (to R C, draws gun) Wait! Don't move or don't 
 yell! ('PHONE. Telephone bell rings Mrs. Fleming 
 starts for it.) No, you don't. I'll answer it! (Takes up 
 receiver, holding telephone and gun. Mrs. Fleming tries 
 to escape R I. King covers her.) Come here! (Into 
 'phone.) No, not you; you can't get here! Hello who 
 no, Mrs. Howell is out! I say she's out shopping at 
 Woolworth's. Who is THIS talking? Mrs. John Pem- 
 broke, i of Boston ! Why, how do you do ! You're the 
 owner of the stolen necklace \ Yes, yes, I know you are ! 
 Yes I'm sure they are here. You say you have the 
 reward with you? Thanks, I'll be looking for you. Good- 
 bye ! (Hangs up and goes to C.) 
 
 68
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (at R) So, you are a detective! 
 
 King (C) You said a mouthful! 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (crossing to him) Oh! I really want to 
 apologize ! 
 
 King Apologize ? 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (C, R of King) I thought you were one 
 of the thieves ! 
 
 King (C) Oh, Madame, how could you! 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (shakes hands) Oh, I'm so glad you've 
 come! Do you really think the Pembroke jewels are here? 
 
 King I know they're here, ma'am. I know they are 
 here. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming I'll do everything in my power to help 
 you ! 
 
 King Thanks. Who are YOU? 
 
 Mrs. Fleming I own this apartment! 
 
 King I'll have my trunk sent up. Pardon the levity! 
 Disguises, you know ! 
 
 Mrs. Fleming To think I should have deliberately 
 handed the place over to a thief ! 
 
 King (C) Yes, it is a bit of a joke, Madame! (Laughs.) 
 But don't tell anybody that you met me here ! I wish to re- 
 main incognito. That's a good word. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (to R C) Oh, no! We'll work together! 
 
 King Fine ! We will do well ! 
 
 Mrs. Fleming And the reward do I get ? 
 
 King You'll get everything that's coming to you ! 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (crossing R) Oh, thank you. I'll ques- 
 tion my maid. 
 
 King Oh, you mean that anemaemic canary? 
 
 Mrs. Fleming What? 
 
 King She's the first person I ever saw walk around after 
 they were dead. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (R) That sounds like her. Where is she? 
 
 King (C) In the kitchen. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (R to door R I) Perhaps she knows some- 
 thing ! 
 
 King No ; she don't know nothing. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming What? 
 
 King I've heard her admit it. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (going to R I) Perhaps she'll tell me what 
 she wouldn't tell you ! 
 
 King Perhaps! If she's still conscious! 
 
 69
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Mrs. Fleming Conscious? 
 
 King The last time I saw her she was struggling with 
 a syncopated souse ! 
 
 Mrs. Fleming Intoxicated? 
 
 King Pifflicated ! 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (shaking umbrella) I know what will 
 sober her! Susie! Susie! (Exit R I.) 
 
 Susie (in closet) I don't know nothing! 
 
 King (runs to door; opens it, lets Susie out) Get out 
 of here. 
 
 Susie I don't know nothing. (Crosses quickly to R I.) 
 
 King (to door L C, locks it) Correct. Keep it up! 
 (Susie runs to door R I as Howell comes down the stairs.) 
 
 Howell Susie, where are you going? 
 
 Susie I don't know nothing. (Exit R I. Howell to 
 L C. King to C. They meet C.) 
 
 Howell You again, eh? 
 
 King Yes, me again! Thought you'd got rid of me, 
 didn't you? Thought you'd put one over on me in great 
 shape but you went wrong in your calculations there, my 
 friend ! 
 
 Howell (C) You've got a nerve coming here after 
 double-crossing me the way you did. 
 
 King (C) Not so loud. (Comes closer with gun.) 
 What we've got to say to each other don't need to reach 
 no one else's ears see ! 
 
 Howell (R C) I have nothing to say to you after the 
 trick you played me about those letters. 
 
 King Well, I'VE got something to say to YOU, and 
 about those letters, I beat you to it the same as I'm going 
 to beat you to it every time I run across you. 
 
 Howell What do you want now? 
 
 King My swag the stuff I copped out in Boston and 
 you lifted from my grip. 
 
 Howell I didn't even open your grip. 
 
 King Say, I'm THROUGH foolin' with you. Turn 
 it over and be quick about it. 
 
 Howell How about those letters? 
 
 King I'm not bargaining now I'm dictating terms. 
 (Thrusting his face forward.) You've got a lot of nerve, 
 trying to steal from a first class crook ! I took a chance to 
 get that swag. I broke into an unguarded house and 
 snatched it from a helpless old lady. (Howell to below and 
 
 70
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 R of desk.) You wouldn't run up against a risk like that, 
 no ; nor no other lawyer. ( Howell starts for 'phone. King 
 stops 'PHONE him with gun.) Stand where you are! 
 (Crosses to 'phone L of desk.) O'Brien and Bloomberg, 
 lawyers? No, I don't want a lawyer, I've got one! (Rings 
 off and back to C.) I'll give you till I count three to hand 
 it over. 
 
 Howell (go up R to R C above desk) Joke! You 
 wouldn't dare fire that thing in here ! 
 
 King (up C) Oh, you think I wouldn't, eh? 
 
 Howell (up R C) You wouldn't have a chance on earth 
 to get away. 
 
 King (up C) I've got out of tighter corners than this 
 one. 
 
 Howell (up R C) But you'll take one chance too many 
 some day. 
 
 King (up C) Not to-day. But if it's coming to me, I'M 
 not going to squeal. I'm just going to take a good crack 
 at you before the bulls get me ! See ! One 
 
 Howell I don't know where the jewels are. 
 
 King You're a liar. Your chances are going. Two! 
 
 Howell I'll tell you where they are! 
 
 King Well ? 
 
 Howell They are in that closet. 
 
 King (takes position near closet, L of it) If they are 
 in the closet, you go in and get them. (Howell R of closet, 
 hesitates.) Come on ! 
 
 (Howell goes slowly into closet. King close to closet 
 and left of it, covering Howell with gun in extended 
 right hand. When Howell is in the closet doorway, 
 just as Howell gets into closet, Susie comes on R I 
 and down R.) 
 
 Susie Oh, Mr. King! (King's attention is taken off 
 Howell, and as he waves Susie away, Howell grabs his 
 wrist and pulls him toward closet. King grabs the open 
 door with his left arm. The door bangs shut, pinning 
 King's right arm. King struggles to get free. Susie looks 
 at him.) My God! He's got a fit! I'll get him some 
 Green River! (Rushes off R I, closing door. Howell 
 comes out of closet with King's gun in his hand. Comes 
 to R C. King up L C rubbing his arm.) 
 
 Howell You are a fine little crook, you are ! Get inp 
 that closet ! 
 
 71
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 King I'm a fine little onion ! (Going into closet.) Shoot, 
 you can't miss. (Howell slams closet door and locks it, 
 leaving key in the lock. Rushes toward stair calling:) 
 
 Howell Ned! Auntie! Ottily! Everybody! I've caught 
 the thief! (He is met on the stair by Ned and Auntie at 
 the word "thief" Auntie has hysteria.) 
 Auntie Thief! Oh save me save me! 
 (She is helped upstage and off by Howell and Ned. Ex- 
 citement kept going until they are well off. Susie 
 rushes on R I, she has on coat and hat. She passes 
 front of desk and makes for door L C on a run. Just 
 as she reaches C, King knocks on closet door calling.) 
 King Susie ! Susie ! Open the door ! 
 Susie (pause) I don't know nothing. (Continues to 
 door L C ami is met by Mooney.) 
 
 Mooney You can come in but you can't go out ! (Closes 
 door in her face and off.) 
 
 King (in closet) Susie! Susie! Unlock the door! 
 Susie All right. 
 
 (She unlocks door. King jumps out and throws Susie 
 in ; locks door and ducks under piano. During this 
 excited voices heard off upstairs. As King goes under 
 piano, Howell, Ned, Ottily, Auntie and Daphne rush 
 downstairs. Howell first, Ned second, Ottily third, 
 Daphne fourth and Auntie last. Mrs. Fleming comes 
 on R I. Parks on R I. Parks ahead of others, crosses 
 up R and across to up L C at end of sofa. He crosses 
 in front of Ned just as Ned reaches foot of steps. 
 Mooney rushes on L C just as Howell reaches R C. 
 As they come on, everyone is talking excitedly ad lib. 
 Howell R C, Mooney L C, Parks up L C above end of 
 sofa. Mrs. Fleming up R C, Ottily above desk, Ned 
 down R, Auntie R of desk, Daphne between Ned and 
 Auntie.) 
 
 Howell (rushing down steps, as above) Help police 
 police. I've caught the thief ! 
 
 Mooney (rushing out C to down L C) You've caught 
 the thief ! 
 
 Howell Yes ; and he had a gun ! But I landed him ! 
 Mooney And he got away ! 
 
 Howell No, he didn't get away. I've got him locked 
 in that closet. (Points.)
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Mooney (drawing gun) Come out come out before I 
 shoot ! 
 
 (Howell rushes up to closet door, throws it open and 
 quickly back to down R C. Susie staggers out of 
 closet to C.) 
 
 All Susie ! 
 
 Mooney (disgusted) So that's the thief! 
 Howell (to Susie, fiercely) How did you get in that 
 closet ? 
 
 Susie (retreats to L C, bewildered) I don't know noth- 
 ing. (Exit Mooney L C disgusted. Closes door.) 
 Auntie (R of desk) Come, come girl, speak up! 
 Susie (to below sofa) I was just walking along and 
 someone pushed me in. 
 
 (Leans against piano and sofa end in corner framed by 
 piano and sofa [see ground plan]. The "Curtain" de- 
 pends on this business. Howell crosses to L C glaring 
 at Susie. Mrs. Fleming crosses quickly to C, speaks 
 to Howell, who turns quickly to her.) 
 Mrs. Fleming (angrily, comes down C) You did that! 
 How dare you lay hands on my servant ! 
 
 Howell (angrily) I didn't lay hands on your servant! 
 Mrs. Fleming (down C) Don't yell at me in my own 
 house ! 
 
 Ottily (coming down R C, L of desk) Well, don't con- 
 tradict him then! ('PHONE.) 
 
 (As soon as Susie leans against piano, King, lying under 
 piano, sees jewels in her LEFT stocking, where they 
 are in a lump at the LEFT side of her ankle. He 
 rolls on his back, quickly gets knife out of VEST 
 pocket and begins trying to cut jewels from Susie's 
 stocking. At 'phone bell Mrs. Fleming quickly goes to 
 'phone, L of desk, upstage end.) 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (crossing to 'phone) Oh, such outrageous 
 behavior! (Takes up 'phone.) Hello! Who? Vera 
 Vernon ! From Boston ! 
 
 (At the word "Boston," Susie strolls two steps toward 
 R ; King disappointed. This business is done during 
 Mrs. F's last line at the 'phone.) 
 
 QUICK CURTAIN. 
 73
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 (Susie repeats business. King makes a gesture of im- 
 patience.) 
 
 SECOND CURTAIN. 
 
 (Ned R by door R I, Daphne a little left of Ned and 
 slightly above him, Auntie is R of desk, Ottily is down 
 R C left of desk. Mrs. Fleming at 'phone. Howell 
 C, Susie down L front of downstage end of sofa. 
 King is under piano. Parks is up L C at up stage 
 end of sofa.) 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 74
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 ACT Til 
 
 SCENE: Same. At rise, positions are the same as at the 
 end of Act II. Ned by door R I. Daphne a little above 
 and to L of Ned. Auntie R of desk. Ottily down R C 
 left of desk. Mrs. Fleming is at upstage end of desk. 
 Howell C. Susie down L in front of downstage end of 
 sofa. King under piano. Parks is up L C at upstage end 
 of sofa. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (at 'phone) Now see here I'm paying 
 for first-class service and I mean to have it. Connect me 
 with my lawyers and be quick about it. 
 
 Auntie (R of desk) Oh, this woman is insufferable! 
 
 (Exit R I Auntie, Ned and Daphne.) 
 
 Ottily (crossing R below desk) If we can't leave the 
 house, at least, we need not stay in the same room with her. 
 
 (Exit R I. Howell crosses to R.) 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (L of desk) You'll leave fast enough if 
 I ever get hold of my lawyers. 
 
 Parks (crossing above desk to R) Hadn't you better 
 cable for Mr. Fleming, Madam? 
 
 Mrs. Fleming Mr. Fleming oh, if he were only here f 
 
 Howell (at door R I) If your husband's wise, he'll stay 
 in. Europe. 
 
 (Exit R I. Susie stands on King's hand.) 
 
 Mrs. Fleming Oh, such insolence ! Parks, go throw 
 that man out of the house at once! 
 
 Parks (down R King trying to free his hand) Excuse 
 me, ma'am; I'm a butler not a white hope. (Exit R I.) 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (at 'phone) Hello! Miss! Now see 
 here, I've been waiting half an hour for my lawyers. Such 
 impudence! I did not say I'd got them. (Hand business 
 for King.) Oh, I'm so upset! (Puts 'phone down and 
 crosses to R I.) I know I'm going to have one of my 
 nervous spells. Susie, light the fire. 
 
 Susie (going up C to closet. King rubs his hand) 
 Seems to me it's hot enough in here now. (Puts hat and 
 coat in closet.) 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (at R I) Don't argue with me. Light 
 
 75
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 the fire. (Crossing to L.) Oh, those dreadful people! 
 They'll rue this day before they're through with me. 
 
 Susie (up C) You're going to do something to get even? 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (going R) I'll put them all in jail! 
 
 Susie (comes down C) Slam them in the coop? 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (go L to Susie) Wha,t do you mean? 
 
 Susie (C) Not the bread basket. Bastile! Bars! Jail! 
 Use the noodles! Use the noodles! (Waves arms.) 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (R C indignant) Have you taken leave 
 of your senses? 
 
 Susie (L C) I can tell you where the jewels are hidden! 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (R C) Jewels? What jewels? 
 
 Susie (L C) Mrs. Pembroke's. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (R C) What! 
 
 Susie I had them in my hand not two hours ago. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming Mrs. Pembroke's jewels here! The ones 
 that were stolen? How do you know? 
 
 Susie I saw them in Mr. Howell's suitcase. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming So he was right ! 
 
 Susie He? Who? 
 
 Mrs. Fleming The detective. 
 
 Susie That fat, pink man? 
 
 Mrs. Fleming Pink ! He's very masculine, and exceed- 
 ingly charming. I promised to help him. 
 
 (King registers.) 
 
 Susie No fair! I saw him first! 
 
 (King registers, and bumps his head.) 
 
 Mrs. Fleming Susie ! Do you know where those jewels 
 are now? 
 
 Susie Yes, ma'am. I saw Mrs. Howell hide them. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming Where? 
 
 Susie In her room. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (up to steps Susie up C) I'm going to 
 search. Susie, there's a thousand dollars reward offered 
 for those jewels. (Go half way upsteps.) I can get it if 
 you'll help me. 
 
 Susie (cross above desk and down R) Yes, ma'am. 
 What do I get if I do? 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (on steps) You'll get every Thursday 
 off. (Exit.) 
 
 Susie There ain't going to be no more Thursdays. 
 
 (Exit R I E. After Susie's exit, King comes from under 
 
 76
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 piano. Crosses up C. 'PHONE rings. He rushes 
 to it.) 
 
 King (at 'phone) Hello ! 
 Ottily (off R I) I'll answer it, auntie. 
 (King hangs up receiver and hides, crouching on floor 
 L of desk. Ottily enters R I, goes to 'phone, sitting 
 in chair R of desk. She draws the 'phone to her.) 
 Ottily (in 'phone) Hello! A lady coming up? (King 
 pulls 'phone wire, drawing 'phone to L side of desk. Ottily 
 does not see 'phone move, looking at it only after it has 
 stopped moving. She draws it absently back to her.) Who 
 is she? Well, get her name. (King repeats business, and 
 Ottily screams and runs off R I in terror, calling:) George! 
 Auntie! (Closes door. King rises, puts receiver on hook 
 and starts L. 'PHONE rings. He dashes back to it, takes 
 up receiver.) 
 
 King Hello ! Who ? Miss Vernon ? From Boston ? 
 Vera Vernon? Send her right up. (Puts down 'phone, 
 laughs, starts up steps.) These boys are going to have a 
 pleasant afternoon. (Exit.) 
 
 (Enter R I, Ottily, George, Aunt and Ned. Ottily to C, 
 Howell to L of her, Aunt to below desk R C, Ned to 
 R of desk.) 
 
 Ottily (crossing C) Oh, then there must be something 
 wrong with me. 
 
 Howell (L of Ottily, comforting) But Ottily, my dear, 
 you're mistaken ! 
 
 Ottily (C, looks at 'phone) I tell you, I saw it move. 
 Aunt (crosses to her) But it couldn't move, dear! 
 Howell Why, you're ill, dear. Auntie, take her up and 
 put her to bed. (Aunt and Ottily go up steps. Howell to 
 foot of steps. Ned up R. DOOR BELL RINGS.} 
 
 Howell (foot of stairs) Ned, see who's at the door. 
 (Ned to door L C, opens it. Mooney and Yera ad lib. 
 
 off L C. Ned looks out, sees Vera.) 
 Ned (to Howell) Vera. 
 Howell (up R C) The human reservoir! 
 (Ned dashes up steps. Howell to R I. Vera enters L C, 
 followed by Mooney, she carries a red rose. PIC- 
 TURE They face her.) 
 Vera What's your hurry, boys? 
 
 (She comes down L C. Mooney to up C. Ned half way 
 up steps. Howell at R I.) 
 
 77
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Howell (R) Officer, put that woman out. 
 
 Mooney (C) She can come in, but she can't go out. 
 (Vera throws him a rose. Mooney catches rose.) Kiss 
 me, you fool. (Holds it up, kisses it and exits L C, clos- 
 ing door.) 
 
 Vera (L C) Well, boys. Here I am! 
 
 Ned (comes down to above desk) Vera, what the deuce 
 do you want here? 
 
 Howell (to R of desk) Ask her something sensible. (To 
 Vera.) How did you know I lived here? 
 
 Vera (cross to R C) Got your office on the 'phone and 
 found out your home address. (Sit L of desk.) Oh, boys, 
 don't be harsh. I traveled all the way from Boston just to 
 see you both and I traveled quite alone. You know how 
 I hate traveling alone. 
 
 Ned (up to steps anxiously and back) You bet I do. 
 
 Howell (R of desk) Never mind your preference. The 
 question for you is this 
 
 Vera Yes, Cutie 
 
 Howell (R of desk) Don't call me Cutie. 
 
 Ned (L C) Ha, ha! 
 
 Vera (turns sharply) Shut up, you little slate pencil! 
 
 Howell Ha, ha! 
 
 Ned Don't you call me a slate pencil ! 
 
 Vera (rises and crosses to Ned, C) You're a nice one, 
 aren't you? Quit me cold and set this little two for a 
 nickle lawyer on my trail. 
 
 Howell (R, comes below desk to R C) What's that? 
 
 Vera (to R C) I'm speaking, Cutie! 
 
 Howell Don't call me Cutie ! 
 
 Vera (sweetly) And last night you loved it. 
 
 Howell (turns away) Yes; but that was last night. 
 
 Ned (has gone up to stair and back) Now listen, Vera! 
 
 Vera (to Ned L C) I've been a good listener for you 
 long enough. Now you listen to me. Thought you'd put 
 one over on me, didn't you ? Framed it to have my letters 
 stolen by this comical lawyer. 
 
 Howell (front of desk) Comical? 
 
 Ned (L C) Your letters! 
 
 Vera (C) Yes, mine! You wrote them to me, didn't 
 you? The sweet outpourings of your mushy little soul. 
 
 Howell (down R C) Classics! 
 
 76
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Vera Not much as literature, but valuable to me as evi- 
 dence. Now, then ! I want them back ! 
 
 Howell (R, below desk) Sorry, dear lady, but your evi- 
 dence is now in ashes. 
 
 Vera You burnt them? 
 
 Howell I did. 
 
 Vera (L of desk) Well I'll be (Howell puts his 
 hand over her mouth, pushes her into chair L of desk.) 
 
 Howell 'Not here, please. (Cross to R of desk.) Now, 
 then, we'll get down to business. 
 
 Ned (L C) That's it, Vera. Business! 
 
 Vera (seated L of desk) Scene's set, boys. Ring up! 
 
 Ned (starts R to escape R I) Then I can be excused? 
 
 Howell No you don't. You come back here and sit 
 down ! ( Ned sits R of desk. Howell crosses above it and 
 comes down C.) As a reputable lawyer and a member of 
 the New York bar 
 
 Vera Several New York "bars !" 
 
 Howell (C) That will do you. I am going to point out 
 to you your dangerous position. You are here with the sole 
 intention of extorting money from this innocent young man. 
 
 Vera (seated L of desk) Innocent? Ha! 
 
 Howell (C) Are you aware, young woman, what the 
 term "blackmail" means? 
 
 Vera Sure I am. If you fall down on it, it means the 
 Island. But if you put it over as I will yet 
 
 Howell What evidence you had is now destroyed. We 
 can beat you on every count. Believe me, my dear, young 
 siren, you haven't a leg to stand on. 
 
 Vera (lifting skirt) No. What do you think, Nippers? 
 
 Ned (rises and goes down R) I can't remember. 
 
 Howell (C) Good! Now you go quietly and we'll let 
 you off. If not, we'll call the police! 
 
 Ned (quickly to R of desk) That's it, Vera; the police! 
 (Goes above her.) You better think it over. (Up to steps 
 and back to Vera.) Come on now, Vera. You are going 
 to get us in a lot of trouble. (Vera begins to pretend weep- 
 in?-) 
 
 Howell (L of her) I'm sorry, little girl, but you brought 
 this on yourself! It's up to you. Will you go? 
 
 Ned (anxiously) Yes, Vera, will you go? 
 
 Vera (looks up smiling) Oh go to hell! I'll stay! 
 
 Ned (to R) What? 
 
 79
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Ho well (to LQ What! 
 
 Vera (rises to go) Nice little place you have here, Cntie. 
 Wifey in? 
 
 Howell (L C) No, she's not. 
 
 Ned (R C) His wife is in Europe! 
 
 Vera (C) Oh, grand! I'll take her room. (She starts 
 up C; they grab her.) 
 
 Howell No, you don't take her room. 
 
 Ned Now see here, Vera, you've got to get out of here. 
 You've made enough trouble already. 
 
 Vera Can it, Nippers. Why didn't you come to me like 
 a man and say, "I'm tired of you, Vera. I'm in love with 
 another woman." 
 
 Ned (L C) I'm not. 
 
 Howell (R C) Of course he isn't. 
 
 Vera (C) You are. (Acting. To him R C, try to em- 
 brace him. He squirms away to R.) You, to whom I've 
 given the best three months of my life. You, on whom I've 
 squandered my love affection the blessings of a yearn- 
 ing heart the comforts of a happy home. 
 
 Howell (L C) Oh! stop imitating George Monroe! 
 
 Vera (turns on him) You call it acting, do you? 
 
 Ned (R of desk) Yes bum acting! 
 
 Vera (to L of desk) Let me tell you something, Nip- 
 pers and you too, Cutie. If I am acting, if my poor 
 bruised heart 
 
 Ottily (off, up steps) George who's there? 
 
 Vera (to C) A woman's voice! 
 
 Howell (rushes up stage to foot of stair) Nobody! 
 
 Vera Nobody ! 
 
 Ottily (off up stairs) George, come here. 
 
 Howell (at stair) Yes, darling! In a minute. I'm busy ! 
 Quite busy ! 
 
 Vera (C) Ah, wifey ! I'll go right up! 
 
 (Starts up C. Ned grabs her, pushes her on to sofa and 
 covers her mouth with sofa pillow.) 
 
 Ned Shut up! (Ad lib.) 
 
 Howell (on steps, whispering) Don't talk to her. Choke 
 her! 
 
 Ottily (off up steps) But who's with you? I heard a 
 woman's voice. 
 
 Howell She's not. She's a man a client. I assure you 
 she's not a woman. (Aside.) She's a Vampire. 
 
 80
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Ned (holding Vera) George, you go to Ottily. I'll man- 
 age her. 
 
 Daphne (off R I) Ned Pembroke! Are you in there? 
 (Howell rushes to relieve Ned, taking pillow and hold- 
 ing it over Vera's mouth. Ned rushes to R I.) 
 Ned (frightened) It's all right, Daphne; I'm helping 
 George. 
 
 (Vera tickles Howell.) 
 
 Howell Yes you are ! Stop tickling me ! Stop tickling 
 me ! 
 
 Daphne (off R I) All right, dearie; but hurry up. 
 (Ned rushes back to help Howell.) 
 Howell Let's get her out of here ! 
 
 (They rush her to door, Ned on her R, Howell on her L. 
 Vera struggles making inarticulate sounds. Ned has 
 his hand over her mouth. They talk ad lib. As they 
 near door L C, it opens and Mooney bursts in. They 
 swing back and fall against closet door up C. Vera 
 C, Howell R of her, Ned on her left, with his hand 
 still over her mouth. Mooney is left of them and a 
 little below them.) 
 
 Mooney You can't go out. You can come in, but you 
 can't go out. What's all this what's all this? 
 Howell and Ned Sh-r-r-r-r ! Sh-r-r-r-r ! 
 Mooney Stop talking like a soda fountain. You can't 
 get out of here ! 
 
 Howell We don't want to get out. 
 
 Ned We want you to take her out there and keep her 
 out there with you. 
 
 Mooney (beaming) Sure I will! Come to me arms, 
 me dear colleen ! 
 
 (They push Vera toward him. She lands half in his 
 
 outstretched arms, swings to L of him.) 
 Vera Ah, shut up, you big Irish hod-carrier! (Slaps 
 his face.) 
 
 Mooney (staggers) Ooo! Take back your tulip! 
 (Hands her the rose. She snatches it, throws it on sofa. 
 Mooney exits L C, closing door. Ned to L C, Howell 
 to R C below chair L of desk.) 
 
 Vera (coming down C) So that's what you're after, is 
 it ? All right. Take that 
 
 (She strikes out with both fists, striking Ned and Howell 
 
 Si
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 in their chests. Ned falls on sofa, Howell reels back- 
 ward into chair L of desk.) 
 
 Howell (rises, gasping) Now see here, woman! 
 
 Ned (rises) That's so see here! 
 
 Vera (C) Sit down! (They sit.) I'm talking! I want 
 my letters or $20,000 cash. (Both rise.) Keep still! or I'll 
 add another item. If you want to be decent, I'll be decent, 
 and meet you on the line. If you want to raise the devil, 
 I'm with you as far as the furnace door with the fire and 
 brimstone! (Folds her arms.) Play ball! (They stand, 
 trying to speak.) Better think it over, boys. It's worth 
 the money! (They protest.) Then suppose I call in wifey ! 
 (Starts up C they grab her.) 
 
 Howell No, you don't. 
 
 Vera (going down L pushed along by Ned) And 
 DAPHNE isn't that her name? 
 
 Ned (down L) Call her. She won't believe a word 
 you say. 
 
 Howell (comes down C) And Ottily will trust me in 
 the face of the whole world ! 
 
 Vera (down to front of piano) My God! How con- 
 ceited some men are! (Auntie appears on stair.) She'll 
 trust you, I suppose, when I tell her of our midnight 
 suppers ? 
 
 Howell (C to her) Sh-h-h ! Not so. loud ! 
 
 (Auntie runs upstairs, returns with Ottily and Daphne. 
 They pause on landing, listening.) 
 
 Vera (to Ned) And Daphne won't believe that you fur- 
 nished my flat, that you compromised me 
 
 Ned (down L, seated dejectedly on downstage end of 
 sofa) Stop it! Will you stop it! 
 
 Howell For the Lord's sake, woman ! 
 
 Vera (to Ned) My reputation that I sacrificed for you! 
 
 Ned Great Caesar ! Can't someone muzzle her ! 
 
 Vera (to Howell) And the red silk stockings you prom- 
 ised me.. 
 
 Howell I didn't! I didn't! 
 
 Vera You did ! And I never got them ! 
 
 (Auntie, Ottily and Daphne come down stage.) 
 
 Auntie (to R of desk) Well! 
 
 Ottily (to R C) George! 
 
 Daphne (to C) Ned! 
 Together. 
 
 82
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 (Vera crosses to down L. Ned falls back over arm of 
 sofa onto sofa. Howell sinks onto sofa upstage end.) 
 
 Auntie (R) Who is this woman? 
 
 Ned (rattled) She's a friend of George's. 
 
 Howell (at sofa) What's that! 
 
 Vera You brazen little liar. You know you were 
 fluffing with me. 
 
 Daphne (C) Ned Pembroke, I want the truth! 
 
 Ned Ask George ! 
 
 (Daphne crosses above desk to Auntie R.) 
 
 Ottily (R C) I'm asking George! And I want to know. 
 Who is she? 
 
 Vera Tell her, Cutie. (Does a few dance steps L.) 
 
 Howell (rises) She's a lady client. Not so much a lady 
 as a client. 
 
 (Ottily above desk to Auntie R.) 
 
 Vera (L) Well, of all the nerve! 
 
 .Auntie (R) To think that I have ever lived to see and 
 hear such awful things! 
 
 (The three women group down R on the verge of hys- 
 teria.) 
 
 Howell (C) Stop it! Will you stop it! 
 
 Ned (L C) Yes, stop it all of you! 
 
 Howell And give me a chance for an honest explana- 
 tion. 
 
 Auntie Honest ! 
 
 Ottily (to R of desk) I don't want your explanations. 
 So this is the kind of man you are the very day after our 
 wedding, you go off to Boston to buy her suppers and red 
 silk stockings 
 
 Howell I didn't buy her stockings ! 
 
 Vera You promised them ! 
 
 Ottily (bitingly drops down R) Well, you'll never get 
 them! 
 
 Vera (L. amused) My goodness! 
 
 Howell (R C, L of desk) Now, Ottily, listen to me. 
 
 Ottily (R of desk) You did go to Boston, didn't you? 
 
 Howell Yes, I did, but 
 
 Ottily You did take her taxi riding 
 
 Howell Yes, I had to 
 
 Ottily You did buy her suppers, cocktails, highballs and 
 champagne ? 
 
 83
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Howell I did ! * I did ! I did ! 
 
 Ottily That's all I want to know. You've deceived me 
 for the last time ! You've lied to me for the last time ! I 
 don't ever want to see you again ! She can have you as well 
 as your silk stockings ! 
 
 (Ottily rushes to R to Auntie and Daphne, who embrace 
 her.) 
 
 Howell But, darling, please 
 
 Ottily Don't touch me don't come near me ! 
 
 Auntie That settles you, sir. 
 
 (The three sobbing women are about to go off R I.) 
 
 Ned. (pushes Howell aside and crosses to L of desk, 
 Jiowell drops down L C) You don't understand! You 
 don't understand ! Wait ! You've got to listen ! 
 
 Daphne I won't ! 
 
 Ned Then don't! What I've got to say is for Ottily, 
 not for you! (Ottily to R of desk.) The fault of this 
 whole thing is mine. George got into this on my account, 
 not his ! I did write this woman letters. I'm guilty of 
 everything she claims. 7 sent George to Boston ! He didn't 
 want to leave you, Ottily. I made him go. If Daphne wants 
 to throw me all right. I'll take my medicine ! But I 
 don't want you and George to suffer for what I've done. 
 
 Vera (on sofa) Isn't he dramatic! (Howell stamps on 
 her foot.) Oh! (Ned and Howell shake hands C. Ottily 
 circles above desk to up R C. Aunt and Ottily a little into 
 scene.) 
 
 Ned (R C) I thought I cared for this woman, but when 
 I met Daphne everything seemed different. I wanted to 
 start out straight and clean. That's all. You can take it 
 as you please! (To R a little.) 
 
 Howell (R C) Hereafter, you cut out letter writing and 
 stick to making speeches. 
 
 Ottily (comes down R C to L of George) George, is all 
 this true? 
 
 Howell (R C) It is, my darling. I swear it by all 
 that's (Police burst in L C.) Holy Moses ! The police! 
 
 (Everyone turns startled. Sergeant up L C, Kearney R 
 of him, Mooney at door L C, Howell down R C, Ottily 
 left of him, Ned, Auntie and Daphne R of desk. PIC- 
 TURE.) 
 
 Sergeant Don't move ! Anybody ! Kearney, go through 
 
 84
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 that door (Indicates R I Kearney goes down C, then 
 off R I, leaving door open. Jim comes to up C.) Jim, go 
 upstairs and search the ladies' rooms. 
 
 (Mooney goes upstairs.) 
 
 Ottily (going up C) What! Search my rooms! 
 
 Daphne The idea ! 
 
 Auntie (R) The impertinence! 
 
 Ottily (passing sergeant) You think we are thieves? 
 Well, I don't trust your men, either. And if that creature 
 is going through my room, then I'm going to watch him. 
 (Exit upstairs.) 
 
 Daphne Good, Ottily! I'll go with you. (Exit upsteps.) 
 
 Howell (R C) Ned! Follow that officer and see that 
 he doesn't steal anything. (Exit Ned R I, leaving door 
 open. To sergeant.) Where's your warrant to search this 
 place ? 
 
 Sergeant (C) I've a warrant right here to search this 
 apartment. (Shows warrant.) 
 
 Auntie (R, upstage.) Oh, dear! Oh, dear! 
 
 Sergeant (C, to Howell) Who is this woman? 
 
 Howell (crossing R below desk) I don't know. She's 
 a stranger to me! (Exit 'Howell R I, closing door.) 
 
 Aunt and Sergeant What!- 
 
 Auntie (crosses above desk to upstage end of sofa, up 
 L C.) To think that I should live to be mixed up in such 
 a vulgar brawl. 
 
 Sergeant (turning to her L C) That will do you now! 
 
 Auntie (up L C) SIR! 
 
 Sergeant (crossing to her) It strikes me you are acting 
 suspicious around here. While I have time, I think I'll 
 search you. You seem sort of lumpy round the waist. 
 
 Auntie (backing into extreme upper left-hand corner. 
 Sergeant following, his back toward C) Search me for 
 stolen property! (King sneaks downstairs and starts for 
 door L C, sees sergeant's back and runs behind screen up 
 R.) Sir, if any such indignity is performed, it will only 
 be done by a matron at the station ! 
 
 Mooney (rushing downstairs) Sergeant, did anybody 
 come downstairs ? 
 
 (King, behind screen, is pushing R side of screen down- 
 stage and in front of fireplace.) 
 
 Sergeant No. I've been here all the time. (Sees screen 
 
 85
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 moving.) Hello! Who's that behind that screen? Get 
 him, Mooney! (King disappears in fireplace. Mooney 
 creeps, club in hand, toward screen.) Careful, now! Use 
 your club ! 
 
 (Mooney sneaks round back of screen. Sergeant round 
 front of it. They meet suddenly at R end of screen. 
 Mooney with upraised club almost brains Sergeant, be- 
 fore he realizes that he is not the thief.) 
 
 Auntie Oh! Oh! (Rushes upstairs.) 
 
 Mooney I beg your pardon, Sergeant. 
 
 (Rushes up and off after Auntie. Susie enters R I with 
 kindling wood, paper and matches. She closes the 
 door after her.) 
 
 Sergeant (above door R) Well, you idiot, what are you 
 after doing now? 
 
 Susie (going up R) I'm going to light the fire. 
 
 (King appears in fireplace and disappears. Susie crosses 
 to fireplace. Sergeant L to balcony and out. Susie 
 arranges kindling in fireplace, seated on floor front of 
 it. Strikes a match and applies it to wood. King in 
 fireplace blows match out with audible sound. Same 
 .business for three matches.) 
 
 Susie (as third match goes out) It's a hurricane! 
 
 ( She lights fourth match. King slaps it out with his hat. 
 Property man blows some Fuller's Earth through fire- 
 place, upstage side. Susie rushes to sofa screaming 
 and terrified. King gets behind screen. Sergeant 
 comes in at window, crosses to Susie L C and bends 
 her over, his back to fireplace.) 
 
 Sergeant Well, what's the matter with you? 
 (King sneaks upsteps, turns, comes down, crosses to L and 
 gets behind curtains at window.) 
 
 Susie (on sofa) Ghosts! 
 
 (King, from behind curtains, registers during follow- 
 ing scene.) 
 
 Sergeant \Vhere where ? 
 
 Susie In the fireplace. 
 
 (Sergeant to fireplace, pokes up it with club.) 
 
 Sergeant Oh, get out, there's no one here. 
 
 Susie (X R) He hit me in the nose. 
 
 Sergeant (rising) Are you seeing things, or just drunk? 
 
 86
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Susie (crossing to L, front of sofa) Just drunk> 
 
 (Sergeant to C.) 
 
 Mooney (downstairs) Sergeant, did you see anything? 
 
 Sergeant Are you seeing things, too? 
 
 (Mooney disappears into closet, searching. Closes door.) 
 Ho well (enters R I, crosses to below desk) Now see 
 here, Sergeant, I'm getting tired of this! It's disgusting. 
 
 (Ottily, Daphne, Auntie and Mrs. Fleming come on 
 downsteps. Kearney on R I followed by Ned. POSI- 
 TIONS. Ned down R, Daphne L of him. Auntie R 
 of desk, Kearney to above desk R, Ottily L of desk. 
 Howell, after pause below desk, to Sergeant C. Ser- 
 geant C L of Howell. Susie down L by piano. 
 Mooney in closet. Mrs. Fleming at landing.) 
 
 Sergeant (C) Did you find anything, Kearney? . 
 
 Kearney (above desk) Nothing, sir. 
 
 Sergeant Somebody's got those jewels on him. We'll 
 search the whole push. 
 
 Daphne (R) What? 
 
 Ottily (R C) Search me? 
 
 Auntie (R of desk) The insolence! 
 
 Howell (cross to Sergeant C) Not much you won't. 
 You may have a warrant, but you can't search these ladies. 
 
 Sergeant That'll do you. We are going through. 
 (Points to Susie down L at piano.) We'll take that Scan- 
 dinavian first. She looks guilty. 
 
 Susie (in terror) I don't know nothin'. 
 
 Mooney (bursts from closet carrying grip that King has 
 left in closet, at end of Act 2. He comes down a little L 
 of C) Sergeant, what's this? 
 
 ( Kearney crosses to closet door, closes it and comes down 
 between Mooney and sofa. Mrs. Fleming to above 
 desk.) 
 
 Sergeant (down C, R of Mooney) Well? What is it? 
 
 Howell (front of desk) It's my grip! 
 
 Ottily (rushes to Sergeant) It isn't his it isn't! 
 
 Susie (front of piano) Yes it is. I saw him when he 
 brought it from Boston. (Scratches one leg with the other 
 and then goes under piano.) 
 
 Sergeant Boston, eh? I thought so. Open it. 
 
 Mooney (has grip on floor and is stooping above it. He 
 
 87
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 opens it and takes out burglars' tools in kit) His working 
 kit! 
 
 Kearney (grabs them) His outfit! 
 
 Sergeant (who has been wading in grip, straightens up 
 with jewel case in hand) Holy Moses! Look at this! 
 (Reads from case.) Mrs. John Pembroke, Boston! I 
 thought so ! 
 
 Ottily (wildly) Officer, he isn't a thief he isn't! He 
 didn't steal those things. As soon as we found the necklace, 
 we wired Mrs. Pembroke to come for them. 
 
 Sergeant Oh you did, eh? 
 
 Auntie (R) I can vouch for that, Officer! 
 
 Ned (extreme R) So can I. 
 
 Sergeant (opens case) Empty. So you FOUND the 
 necklace. Well, where is it? 
 
 Ottily (almost paralyzed) I don't know! 
 
 (Susie, under piano, had gotten necklace out of stock- 
 ing, shows it.) 
 
 Mrs. Fleming (comes down R C, R of Ottily, and L of 
 desk) Oh yes, she does know where they are. Susie saw 
 Mrs. Howell hide them. 
 
 Ottily (turns on Mrs. Fleming) How dare you! 
 
 Mrs. Fleming My servant does not lie. This woman 
 knows where the jewels are. 
 
 Sergeant (to Ottily) I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have 
 to arrest; you. Boys, take everybody upstairs and search 
 them. (Hands Kearney jewel case. General indignation. 
 Ned tries to escape R I ; Mooney crosses and grabs him, 
 drives Ned and Auntie and Daphne up R. Kearney picks 
 up grip and drives Howell, Ottily and Mrs. Fleming up C. 
 They are pushed up stairs. C. After all are on stairs but 
 Mooney and Susie, who has been forgotten.) Jim, guard 
 that door. 
 
 (Exit Mooney L C; Sergeant up steps. Susie comes 
 from under the piano, goes up L C with jewels in her 
 hands. Starts to throw them out of window. Cur- 
 tains move. She hastily puts jewels down her back 
 crossing down to L of desk. King enters from behind 
 curtains L and comes down C. Susie turns and sees 
 him, startled, screams.) 
 
 King Shut up shut up! You Hungarian Goulash, 
 shut up ! 
 
 88
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Susie Where did you come from ? 
 
 King (crossing to her R C) I've been so many places, 
 1 can't remember. 
 
 Susie (R C) I thought you was all burnt up and gone 
 to he-heaven! 
 
 King Well, come on. Hand those jewels over and be 
 damn quick about it. 
 
 Susie (R C) I can't just put my hand on them. 
 
 (King reaches down to pull jewels out of her stocking, 
 thinking they are there. Susie screams, puts hands 
 over her face. King goes quickly and anxiously up to 
 steps, looks off, comes back to her.) 
 
 King Shut up. Shut up. Can't you take a joke? 
 Where are those jewels? 
 
 Susie (left of and close to desk) In back of me. 
 
 King (looking at her) Where? 
 
 Susie In back of me! (Crosses front of King to C. 
 King looks on desk and turns to her, at a loss as to her 
 meaning.) 
 
 King Say, are you kidding me? 
 
 Susie (stands back to audience) They're in back of me. 
 (Puts her hands to back of her waist where jewels are.) 
 
 King Holy Halifax ! How am I going to get 'em out 
 of there? 
 
 Susie (C) Thought you was a detective? 
 
 King (R of Susie) I am. (He grabs her, puts hands 
 down her back. Susie screams several times. At first 
 scream, King dashes upstage anxiously and comes back.) 
 
 Susie You got hands just like the ice man. 
 
 King (grabs her again) Stand still. (Hand over her 
 mouth. They make a complete circle, King trying to reach 
 the jewels, Susie struggling. King breaks away to R C.) 
 Damn it ! I almost had them ! 
 
 Susie Where's the reward? 
 
 King Mercenary being! You don't think I go about 
 carrying that much money on me ! ( He grabs her again 
 and gets jewels. Hold them up, then puts them in pocket.) 
 I got them ! 
 
 Susie Wait ! What do I get to show I get the reward ? 
 
 King (takes out notebook and pencil) I'll write you 
 a check. 
 
 Susie No. 
 
 89
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 King I'll write you a receipt. 
 
 Susie All right. 
 
 King (writing) This is to certify that Susie What's 
 your last name? 
 
 Susie Sponge. 
 
 King I'm in the shadow of the gallows, but I've got to 
 giggle at that one. Who gave you that name? 
 
 Susie My papa. 
 
 King Papa give you the face too? 
 
 Susie Uh-her ! 
 
 King Papa played you a dirty trick. (Writing.) This 
 is to certify that Susie's papa Susie Sponge (say, never 
 take that name out in the rain) restored the Pembroke 
 jewels to me and deserves the reward. I'll underscore "De- 
 serves." Signed, Nicholas King, recipient. 
 
 Susie Recip recip ? 
 
 King (hands her paper) Don't try it. It's over your 
 dome. 
 
 Susie Thank you, Mr. King! 
 
 King (going toward L C door) Don't mention it. A 
 mere scrap of paper means nothing in my life. 
 
 Susie (cross to R C) Oh, Mr. King, is this worth a 
 thousand dollars? 
 
 King (a pause) Yes. 
 
 Susie Will you give me twenty-two fifty for it? 
 
 King Sure. (Comes down C.) 
 
 Susie I'll take it. I want to go back to Sioux City. 
 
 King (giving her money) Anyone who wants to go 
 there, deserves to get there. 
 
 Susie Thank you, Mr. King. 
 
 King (going) Goodbye, Sweet Spirits of Nitre. 
 
 Susie Mr. King. 
 
 King (at door) What is it? I'm in a hurry. 
 
 Susie Do me a favor? 
 
 King (impatient, comes down) What do you want now? 
 
 Susie Kiss me ! 
 
 King I'll die first ! 
 
 Susie I'll scream. 
 
 King (alarmed) Don't scream. (Kisses her.) There. 
 (Kisses her again.) There! (Susie comes for another.) 
 Get out, you're a glutton ! (Pushes her R.) DOOR BELL. 
 Who is that ? 
 
 90
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 Susie I'll open the door. (Starts.) 
 
 King (stops her) No. It may be a cop! 
 
 Susie You ain't afraid of the cops, are you? 
 
 King (go L below piano and up to window L, gets be- 
 hind curtains) Go ahead. Open the door. 
 
 ( Susie opens door L C, stands L of it, holding door open. 
 MRS. PEMBROKE appears in door.) 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke I am Mrs. Pembroke ! 
 
 Susie I'm sorry for you. 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke So you know about my jewels? 
 
 Susie -I don't know nothin'. 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke Does Mrs. Howell live here? 
 
 Susie Yes, ma'am. 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke I shall come in. (Comes down C.) 
 
 Susie (closes door and comes down R C) Yes'm; 
 Yes'm ; Yes'm. You can come in but you can't go out. 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke (C) What? 
 
 Susie (R C) Everybody's being searched. 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke Searched? 
 
 Susie Upstairs by the cops. All but me. I was searched 
 by a pink. 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke My necklace ! Has it been found ? 
 
 Susie Yes'm. 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke Where is it? 
 
 Susie Behind the curtains. (Indicates window.) 
 
 (Mrs. Pembroke to L C, King appears at L, crosses above 
 piano and down C.) 
 
 King It's all right, Madam. 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke (L C) Who is this man? 
 
 Susie He's a punk ! I mean a Pink 
 
 King (C) Don't you recognize me? 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke (L C) No! 
 
 King (C) Sure you never saw me before? 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke No. 
 
 King Well then, I don't mind telling you, I'm a detec- 
 tive. (Shows badge.) Here's my badge. It's broken. I 
 can't pin it. (Unconsciously drops badge on floor C.) 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke Oh. I had you on the telephone a little 
 while ago? 
 
 King Yes. 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke And my necklace you have it? 
 
 Susie (R C) Yes ma'am; we have it. 
 
 91
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 King (to Susie) WE! You mean, I have it! You are 
 not with me. (To Mrs. Pembroke.) You have the reward 
 with you? 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke (L C) Yes. 
 
 King (C) In cash. 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke In bills. 
 
 King Not marked bills? I mean regular currency? 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke Yes. 
 
 King That's fine. You see, I've got to get away quickly. 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke What! 
 
 King That is, I'm called out on another case. Here are 
 your jewels. 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke My necklace! (Grabs them, sits on 
 sofa.) 
 
 King But the money 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke Oh, yes, the money. But I feel you 
 don't quite realize all you have done for me. 
 
 King No one understands better than I do. 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke (on sofa) I would rather have parted 
 with ten years of my life 
 
 King Don't mention ten years. 
 
 Susie (aside to him) You said FIVE. 
 
 King But we are losing time, ma'am. The money 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke Oh, yes. But it is as nothing compared 
 to my gratitude. 
 
 King (aside to Susie) She'll talk us in jail! 
 
 Susie US ! I'm not with you. 
 
 King (to Mrs. Pembroke) Thank you for the gratitude. 
 But the money 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke (rises, taking money from purse, is about 
 to give it to him) I feel that we have met before. 
 
 King I think not, ma'am. I think not ! 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke Seems as if it were in a dream. 
 
 King (taking money) Dream! I've appeared in several 
 lately. (Takes letters from his pocket.) Oh, here's a pack- 
 age of letters. Give them to your son and tell him for me, 
 if he can't be good, be careful. (Turns to Susie, while 
 counting money.) Remember, Kate Virtue is its own 
 reward. 
 
 Susie (R C, looking at money) My God, and I gave all 
 that up for twenty-two fifty. 
 
 92
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 King (gives her some bills) Here! Never let it be said 
 that Nicholas King robbed the dead. 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke You are generous to a fault. 
 
 King (C) She's not a fault she's a crime! 
 
 Susie (going R to R I door) I didn't know there was 
 so much money in the world. I'll go home in a Ford. 
 (Exit R I.) 
 
 King (going toward L C door) Goodbye! Goodbye! 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke (sees badge on floor, picks it up) Your 
 badge. 
 
 (As King reaches door, Mooney appears in door, backs 
 King to up C.) 
 
 Mooney You can come in but you can't go out ! 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke (C) Officer, you can't hold this man. 
 
 Mooney (closes door, comes L C up) Who are you? 
 
 (Ottily is coming downstairs.) 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke (to L C) I'm Mrs. Pembroke. 
 
 Mooney The owner of the stolen necklace? 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke I have it here (Shows it.) 
 
 Ottily (calls up steps) George Ned Mrs. Pembroke 
 has her jewels ! 
 
 (Ned, Howell, Daphne and Ottily and Vera come down- 
 stairs. Mrs. Pembroke goes to front of sofa down L. 
 King starts to go, Mooney stops him.) 
 
 Mooney Just a minute. 
 
 Ned (crosses to Mrs. Pembroke) Mother, I want you 
 to meet my friends, Mr. and Mrs. Howell. (They come 
 to her quickly, acknowledge introduction, shaking hands 
 and congratulating her on the recovery of her jewels. Then 
 go R, Ottily to front of desk. Howell to Ottily's left.) 
 And this is Daphne the little girl (Daphne to Mrs. 
 Pembroke.) 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke (shaking hands) You've written me 
 about. I'm so glad. Oh, and here are some letters 
 
 Everyone Letters! (Ned takes them.) 
 
 Vera (having followed Daphne on has come to a posi- 
 tion R and a little up stage of Ned, Daphne is on her L) 
 They're mine. (Grabs letters.) 
 
 Daphne (grabs letters) Just a minute. 
 
 Howell (grabs letters) Just a minute, Daphne. 
 
 (Hands them to Ottily. During this business Mrs. Pem- 
 broke goes R following the letters to R C. Ned goes 
 
 93
 
 A FULL HO USE 
 
 L to front of piano. Vera to sofa. Sergeant down 
 steps to landing.) 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke What's this? 
 
 Ned They are not letters, mother. 
 
 Howell (cross R to front of desk) They are classics. 
 (Turns to Mrs. P. at R C.) But how did you get them? 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke (at chair L of desk) Why, the same 
 man who found my necklace this wonderful detective. 
 (Waves at King. All turn and look at King, who strolls 
 carelessly down C, with Mooney on his left.) 
 
 All Detective ! 
 
 (Aunt and Mrs. Fleming come on R I.) 
 
 Sergeant (up on landing of steps) Why, he's not a de- 
 tective ; he's a traveling man. 
 
 Mrs. Fleming Of course he's a detective. I can swear 
 to that. 
 
 Sergeant Is this true, Mr. Howell ? 
 
 Howell Do you want to know the truth? 
 
 Sergeant Yes. 
 
 Howell (crosses to C to King, pointedly) He's in a class 
 by himself. (Howell goes back to R.) 
 
 King You get one cigar. (Hands cigar.) 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke Of course. That's the reason I gave 
 him the reward. 
 
 Sergeant Let him go, Mooney. 
 
 Mooney I beg your pardon, Mr. - 
 
 King King King ! 
 
 Mooney I beg your pardon, Mr. King King! 
 
 King You may be right some day. The door, James. 
 (To others.) You know, I always work well with the 
 police. (Mooney has gone up and opened door up L C. 
 King turns, sees Vera on sofa.) May I escort you to my 
 car? 
 
 Vera (rising) I'm for you. (They go up L C.) 
 
 King See everyone later. (Vera exits L C.) 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke' ( seated L of desk) Oh, Mr. King. If 
 you are ever in Boston, call on me. 
 
 King (at door) Thanks, I will. 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke My house is on Beacon street. 
 
 King (at door) I could find it in the dark. 
 
 (Mooney closes door. Howell crosses to C.) 
 
 Sergeant Are you sure he's a detective? 
 
 94
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 Mrs. Pembroke Why yes here's his badge ! 
 
 Ho well (takes badge, reads) Official Dog Catcher! 
 
 (Mooney dashes off in pursuit of King All sigh.) 
 
 QUICK CURTAIN. 
 SECOND CURTAIN. 
 
 (Susie on at R I, all dressed up in her "impossible" best, 
 gloves and hat. She carries in downstage hand an old 
 suitcase with Sioux City painted on the side. She 
 crosses to C, and as she goes up stage, everyone turns 
 facing up stage watching her.) 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 95

 
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