THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES The Plum Street Brethren BY HAROLD HANSELL. Author of "Dewdrop Dandy" and "At the Labour-in- Vain" Melbourae : THOMAS C. LOTHIAN. 226, Littl. Collmi Street 1909 All Rights Reserved 1st Edition, July. 1909 f6/J.3 CONTENTS : The Regeneration of Brother Truesome The Melting Away of Sister Sands The Vision of Brother Pringle The Waywardness of Sister Snell The Capture of Brother Clarke The Baptism of Brother Brown The Martyrdom of Brother Ham The Awfulness of Brother Pounds The Nosegay of Brother Binsted The Reformation of Cracken Cribbs The Intervention of Brother Triggs The Misapprehension of Brother Brewster 5 14 23 33 42 53 62 78 87 97 109 117 Two Special Books at 1/- each Dewdrop Dandy At the "Labour-in-Vain" TO BLAND HOLT, AUSTRALIA. Sometimes in the midst of white men you'll find one. HAROLD HANSELL'S BOOKS A PRESS WITH ONE OPINION Dewdrop Danby " Undeniable humour." — Leader " Harold Hansell is clearly a born retailer of good stories. In his hands they lose no jot of possible nBect."— Adelaide Register " A welcome addition to the small band ot Australasian writers Most of these tales are humorous. . . . There is a freshness and unconventionality in these stories that make one hope to hear of the writer again." — The Argus "The best piece of original, amus- ing and entertaining literature that we have met for a long while. It should achieve for the author, wide popularity." — Xew Zealand Mail " Most humorous. . . deciiledly clever . . . original in treatment."' The Australasian " Full of quiet, racy satire." — The Herald " Humour there is in abundance, and it is first rate, legitimate and hearty." — Otago Witness " A fund of rich humour, marked by a refreshing originality. The author is one w-e should like to hear more irom.— Table 'J, ilk " A book of quaint, cynical humor that should achieve wide popularity" — Ovens and .\hirr as if suddenly recollecting her v^^hereabouts. " It's time for my afternoon tea," she added by way of explanation. " Have it with me," entreated Brother Pringle. " I always have mine there," he continued, unblush- ingly pointing to a tea-room which stood opposite. " Just at this time, too," he added, gazing at his watch. " Really," observed the vision with an embar- rassed air. " I hardly like to take advantage of your kindness." " To a perfect stranger," she added, blushing. "Perfect, madam!" replied Brother Pringle, "of that I am sure, but do not, I entreat you, use that word, ' stranger.' Everything must have a begin- nin'," he continued warmly, following up his advan- tage, " even friendship." " It's your manner," observed the vision coyly, as they entered the tea-room. As the weeks wore on, the acquaintance ripened, despite Brother Pringle's second shock on learning that his fair vision was a bar-maid out of employ- ment. His many long absences from The Plum Street Chapel on Sunday evenings were accounted for by his explanation that he was " rasslin' with a lost brother at the other end of the town." This hardly coincided with his visits to a certain handy 26 THE VISION OF BROTHER PRINGLE. tobacconist's shop, where that somewhat sombre- clad moth, Brother Pringle, shed his rusty garb, and a butterfly, known as Joseph Gadsby, in grey suit and light blue necktie, emerged. For Brother Pringle had yielded to temptation, and was leading a double life. Brother Pringle had hoarded up a tidy bit of property which returned a very fair rental, and Joseph Gadsby was spending it. When Joseph Pringle was absent from the Wednes- day evening meetings, Joseph Gadsby and his fair vision fled up and down the Chute at sixpence a ride, and drank bottled ale for supper. Brother Pringle cast his glances down in pious horror when he passed a music hall, lest the glaring posters might offend his eye, but Joseph Gadsby sat well up in front with a fair vision by his side. Joseph Gadsby smiled and spent with a lavish recklessness, while Brother Pringle, sitting at home in quiet moments, with the racking headache that comes with the " day after," glanced at his de- pleted bank-book, and groaned aloud. Joseph Gadsby trod the pleasant path of court- ship with an airy boldness. He even went further, and, under the stimulus of a broad hint from the pugilistic brother, he became reckless, and implored the fair vision to " name the day," which she promptly did, choosing the next Thursday ; but when the day dawned, the butterfly, Joseph Gadsby, with his gray suit, his light blue tie, and his abun- dant pocket-money, had vanished into space to ap- pear no more. * * * :t: 4: With two great sighs, one for pleasures past and 27 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. gone, and the other for a bank account with a hole in it, Brother Pringle returned once more to the drab-coloured environments of the Plum Street Chapel. The first few days were ones of some anxiety, lest he might have unwittingly left some traces be- hind him, but by the end of the month his fears vanished, and he sang up lustily in the hymns as heretofore. As time wore on, and the vision and Joseph Gadsby became but a fond memory, he even went so far as to compose a melting oration on " Woman's Love." This he delivered to a packed meeting-house one eventful Saturday afternoon. In heartfelt words he pictured the growth of a true and lasting love in a way that brought tears to the eyes of his audience. "Ah! m.y beloved friends," he cried, "the man who has found a love like this is rich indeed." " Where shall I," he continued, taking out his handkerchief and wiping his eyes, " Where shall I, a solitary, lonely man, look for a love like this " "Here!" came a voice, as a gorgeous vision in blue emerged from the porch, and with a rustle of silk came gracefully up the aisle. " Look here! in the bosom of your affianced wife, my long-lost, long-sought, Joseph Gadsby." Brother Pringle's knees clattered together at the unwonted apparition, and his tongue clove to the roof of his mouth. Speechless and fascinated he stood gazing at her 28 THE VISION OF BROTHER PRINGLE. as she came towards him, and mounting the steps to the platform, placed her arms around his neck, with a caressing, captivating gesture, " Joseph," she murmured, " I've found you at last." The audience looked on in open-mouthed astonishment, and still Brother Pringle stood there speechless, a wan, sickly smile illuminating his countenance. Suddenly the awfulness of the position dawned on Brother Ham, and he rose to his feet. " Take your unholy charms away, madam," he commanded. Withdraw your arms from the neck of Brother Pringle." "Hear! Hear!" cried Brother Truesome, as he gazed Vs^ith admiration at the apparition, and, lest his meaning might be misunderstood, he said it again. "Here! Here!" But the vision heeded him not, and Brother Pringle still preserved the same sheepish, guilty- looking silence. "Brother Pringle!" commenced Brother Ham, feeling that the occasion called for some explana- tion. "Pringle!" interrupted the vision with a mysti- fied air. " I don't quite understand." " Joseph Gadsby Pringle, my " commenced Brother Pringle, in a weak, quavering voice. " Love," suggested the vision, as she tightened her grip upon his arm. " Love !" repeated Brother Pringle mechanically. " Brother Pringle," interrupted Brother Ham, with the air of a man not to be denied. " This oc- 29 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. currence calls for an immediate explanation." " Immediate," echoed the elders upon the plat- form. " Tell them, Joseph!" commanded the vision. " Brethren !" commenced Brother Pringle with the air of a condemned man, with the scaffold in sight, " This lady is my affianced wife." " Sister Dorothy," he added, as an after-thought. The audience gave a simultaneous gasp of astonishment. Brother Truesome alone retained his presence of mind. " Welcome, Sister Dorothy," he cried, rising with alacrity, and approaching the vision with out- stretched hands, " Welcome to the Plum Street Chapel." But the vision only smiled, and answered Brother Truesome's words of welcome with a question. " Would I have to wear a bonnet like those?" she asked, pointing to the sombre, quaker-like head- gear, which adorned the heads of the Sisters in the audience. " Certainly, certainly," answered Brother Ham, with decision. " The Plum Street Sisters know no vanity." " Love one another, that's our motto," interjected Brother Truesome, with an alluring leer. " I wouldn't wear a bonnet like that," said the vision decidedly, " not for a free pass into Paradise. I'd sooner go to " " Hush!" echoed a score of horrified voices. " Another church," continued the vision, deter- mined to have the last word. Then, with the air of one whose patience is ex- 30 THE VISION OF BROTHER PRINGLE. hausted, she looked towards the porch. " George!" she called out sharply. At the words a big, burly individual, with the physique and countenance of a prize fighter, issued from the porch, and came slowly up the aisle. One eye was permanently closed, but the other was half- opened, and on the look-out for trouble. " My brother," explained the vision, with an easy wave of her hand. George nodded his head towards the elders with an easy air of familiarity, as he chewed reflectively at a straw between his lips. " Is the cab outside, George?" asked the vision. George nodded his head once again. " We'll go now, George — at once," said the vision sweetly. At the words George became infused with elec- tricity. Seizing Brother Pringle's hat, which stood upon the table, he jammed it firmly down upon that astonished worthy's head, then, taking his arm in an iron grip, he led him swiftly down the aisle, the vision clinging tightly to the other arm. At the steps of the cab Brother Pringle wrenched his arm away, and made a desperate bid for freedom. " Let me see," he said, glancing at his watch with a jaunty air that recalled the vanished Joseph Gadsby, ** I fancy I've an urgent appointment at three o'clock to-day." " So you have," replied the vision, as, at a glance from her. Brother Pringle felt himself ignominiously hoisted by the coat collar and the seat of his trousers, and deposited inside the cab. " The appointment's with me, love," she con- 31 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. tinued sweetly. " Don't you remember — it's our wedding day." "Hurry up, driver!" she added, glancing at her watch in mock alarm, " it's five minutes to, and we're due at the registry office at 3 o'clock." 32 The Waywardness of Sister Snell Sister Snell and Sister Tibbits, clad in the plain, quaker-like bonnets of sober brown affected by the female adherents of the Plum Street Chapel, stood gazing at the millinery window of the Ladies' em- porium in the Wellington Road. Sister Tibbits viewed the mass of shapes and colours with the scornful tolerance of one who is far removed from the temptations of such worldly gew-gaws, but the eyes of Sister Snell rested envi- ously upon an enticing bonnet of for-get-me-nots and scarlet poppies, which bore the alluring placard : — From PARIS Direct Only 8/6 Sister Snell gazed on with spell-bound eyes until the patience of Sister Tibbets became exhausted, and she nudged her with her elbow. " Come along. Sister Snell," she said loudly, with a scornful glance at the women crowding around the window, " and leave them to their earthly vanities." ** Isn't that blue and red bonnet a dream?" said 33 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. Sister Snell, with a longing, backward glance, as they moved away. " Nobody could wear it and still belong to the Plum Street Chapel," answered Sister Tibbits, in a tone of conviction. " Chapel, indeed !" retorted Sister Snell, who, truth to tell, was becoming rather tired of the re- strictions imposed by that particular body upon its adherents. " I think the Chapel's far too strict." "Strict!" gasped Sister Tibbits in a horrified voice. "Yes! indeed!" retorted Sister Snell. There's a lot o' things about it I can't bring me mind to. Five years, come August, I've belonged to the Plum Street Chapel, and even yet I can't for the life o' me see why folks as takes a glass o' ale with their bread an' cheese at supper goes straight to 'ell." " But they will," answered Sister Tibbits, in a tone of conviction. " I've even 'eard," went on Sister Snell, " that the Pope and the Bishop o' Lunnon takes a glass o* wine with their lunch." " They'll go for certain," said Sister Tibbits, em- phatically. " Nobody as touches strong drink can rise — they stagger and fall." "That's only when they takes too much," re- joined Sister Snell. " Why, I've heard time an' time again that the Germin-Emperor drinks a bottle o' lager beer for breakfast, and thinks nothin' o* it, and that the Czar of Rushy takes 'ot toddy to calm 'is nerves at night." "They'll go too," answered Sister Tibbits, with judicial calm. 34 THE WAYWARDNESS OF SISTER SNELL. "Why?" observed Sister Snell warmly. "The doctor ordered my aunt Selina to take a glass o' stout," " She'll go too," interjected Sister Tibbits, in a tone of conviction. "Will she?" retorted Sister Snell angrily, "will she? Look 'ere, Sister Tibbits, just you keep your impident remarks about my relation to yourself. Who are you, I'd like to know, as knows so much about 'ell and everythink connected with it?" " Anyone would think you'd been there," she added, as an afterthought. " I'm just a plain. Christian woman," retorted Sister Tibbits, warmly, " and wot I says is, that orl who transgress will go below — whether they're your relations or not." " Only the righteous who abstain from strong drink will be safe," she added, after a moment's re- flection. " Therell be heaps o' room above," snorted Sister Snell. " It'll be crowded below," retorted Sister Tibbits. " I like company," answered Sister Snell, with a scornful laugh. " If you don't mend your ways, you'll have plenty of it." interjected Sister Tibbits, " Later on," she added, with studied deliberation, casting her eyes towards the ground at her feet. " Cat!" retorted Sister Snell, as she slammed the gate violently and walked away. Next Wednesday evening Sister Tibbits stood at the end of the aisle facing the weekly conclave of elders, sitting in a half-circle upon the platform. 35 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. Behind her, the echo of her voice in the empty pews reverberated backwards and forwards, as if to add to the awfulness of her accusation. " She felt it her duty — her positive duty," she said, " to bring before the elders the personal vanity of Sister Snell." " Personal vanity !" queried Brother Peebles. " Yes," answered Sister Tibbits, " she intends to buy a blue bonnet and wear it in the Chapel." " A blue bonnet," echoed several horrified voices. " Trimmed with red poppies," added Sister Tib- bits. An awful, horrified silence settled over the meet- ing. " Made in Paris," continued Sister Tibbits. Brother Potts turned his eyes to the ceiling and groaned aloud. " Price, eight and six," she added, as an after- thought. " Poor, erring sister," wailed Brother Ham. " We must reason with her," said Brother Pruett, in a tone of conviction, and several of the elders, mindful of their better halves, looked at him sym- pathetically. " She must be tried and tested," said Brother Ham, presently, after due deliberation. " She must pass through the fiery furnace and emerge triumphant." " How?" queried several voices at once. " Sister Tibbits will purchase, on approval, the aforesaid devil's temptation in blue and red," con- tinued Brother Ham, with the air of a judge deliver- ing judgment. " It will be placed on the vestry 36 THE WAYWARDNESS OF SISTER SNELL. table, together with an ordinary brown bonnet, such as all the Sisters wear. Sister Snell will be re- quested to attend, and will be locked in the vestry for an hour to struggle against temptation. If, at the end of that time, she emerges wearing the brown bonnet, we will know then that she has triumphed; and will welcome our lost lamb back to the fold. If she wears the abomination concocted by the devil in Paris " Here he paused dramatically, that the full effect of his words might not be lost on his audience. " She will," he continued, " be expelled from our midst as one unworthy." " It's an awful temptation," observed Brother Truesome. " The greater the victory," replied Brother Ham. "Hallelujah!" echoed the Brethren in chorus. Sister Snell had made three journeys during the week to gaze in awe-struck admiration into the window of the ladies' emporium, while she made up her mind; and when, on her fourth, she found that the bonnet had disappeared, it seemed as if the sunshine had gone out of her life, and tears of dis- appointment stood in her eyes. The summons to appear before the Chapel tri- bunal, therefore, was robbed to a great extent of its terrors when she heard that she was to be con- fronted with the bonnet. " I'll gladly go," she said to herself, " even if it's for nothing else but a sight of it again to rest me tired eyes." Accordingly, upon the appointed evening she at- tended at the Chapel, and, after listening meekly to 37 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. a long dissertation on " Vanity and its relation to the hereafter," from the lips of Brother Ham — in- terrupted by sundry asides from Sister Tibbits, who, for the occasion, had been accommodated with a seat on the platform — as meekly withdrew to the vestry, and heard the door locked behind her. " Shall I comfort her through the keyhole ?" asked Brother Potts, who generally performed this duty on such occasions. " You'd better not," interjected Sister Tibbits de- cidedly, " she's got a pretty sharp tongue when she's aroused," and Brother Potts retired quickly to his seat. Meanwhile, left to herself. Sister Snell's meekness vanished, and, taking a small piece of broken mirror from her pocket, she placed it on the mantelpiece. Then, with a quick movement, she cast her bonnet on a chair, and, pushing aside the brown bonnet which stood upon the table, as a thing not worthy of a moment's consideration, she held the Parisian creation aloft, and regarded it lovingly. " It's a dream," she murmured, in ecstasy, " a per- fect dream." Presently she tried it on, and, turning round, eyed herself at various angles in the broken mirror. "Oh!" she cried, with a little gasp of astonish- ment, " how nice I look!" " Quite ten years younger," she added, a moment afterwards, in a tone of conviction. Meanwhile the circle outside on the platform dis- cussed the usual weekly Chapel business in a hushed, awed undertone, in keeping with the solemnity of the occasion. This finished, they sat in 38 THE WAYWARDNESS OF SISTER SNELL. solemn silence, glancing at each other, and listening to the loud ticking of the clock. Presently the long silence began to tell upon the nerves of Sister Tibbits, who became visibly weary, and eventually she broke the silence by asking, in a querulous tone, if the clock wasn't slow. " Quite ten minutes," answered Brother True- some, promptly, as he pushed the hands forward that space. Another long silence, and then the hands of the clock reached the appointed hour. *' Time!" called Brother Ham, in a judicial voice, while Sister Tibbits gave a gasp of relief. Brother Potts rose quickly, and, walking across, turned the key, and threw open the door. " Come forth, Sister Snell !" he called, dramati- cally, and stood aside. Every neck on the platform was strained to its uttermost, as the various heads craned round to get the first peep of the bonnet adorning the head of Sister Snell. Sister Tibbits, unable to control her excitement, rose to her feet, and took a step forward. But no Sister Snell in a bonnet of any colour came forth ; nothing happened to break the silence, except the heavy breathing of the waiting audience, and the slow ticking of the clock. Brother Potts, wearing a puzzled look, stepped hastily into the vestry, followed by the eager, ex- cited steps of Sister Tibbits, whilst the elders crowded quickly on her heels. "She's gone!" ejaculated Sister Tibbits, in amazement. 39 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. " Through the open window!!" observed Brother Potts. "With the Paris bonnet!!!" shrieked Sister Tib- bits, in a shrill, penetrating voice. An awful, bewildering silence settled upon the crowd, broken, after a pause, by the resonant tones of Brother Truesome. " Well, I'm " Here he paused suddenly, for several of the elders were awaiting the last word with a suspicious look upon their faces. "Blest!" he continued, lamely, looking up to- wards the ceiling. There was nothing more to be said. Everybody looked towards Brother Ham, as the leading elder, to say something, and he, after thinking hard for ten minutes, was understood to say that she'd gone ! Then Brother Pruett said that undoubtedly she'd gone, and others said certainly she'd gone, and the rest that decidedly she'd gone, but nobody got past the fact that she wasn't there. "What about my eight and six?" asked Sister Tibbits, suddenly, " I 'ad to pay that amount down when I got the bonnet on approval." Nobody answered. Instinctively the hand of each Brother closed tightly upon his purse in his trousers pocket, and a hurried movement was made towards the aisle. Suddenly Brother Truesome had an inspiration. " It's a gift to the Lord," he said, with an air of decision. " Yes, yes," echoed the Brethren, with an air of conviction, " it's a gift to the Lord." 40 THE WAYWARDNESS OF SISTER SNELL. " Is it?" snorted the irate Sister Tibbits, as she stepped down the aisle, and they fled before her wrathful countenance like a flock of sheep. " Is it? If I know anything of wimmen, it's a gift to that hussy, Sister Snell!" "Sister!" observed Brother Ham, reprovingly. " Ass!" retorted Sister Tibbits, and Brother Ham turned and fled. A special meeting of the elders was held next evening, and Sister Snell was — in her absence — formally expelled from the Plum Street Chapel, but the expulsion sat lightly upon her, for she promptly joined the Methodist Chapel across the way, and walked brazenly past the Plum Street Chapel on Sunday mornings, adorned with the Paris hat and with a purple ribbon on her parasol. Once, and only once, had Sister Tibbits permitted herself to hold any communication with her erring sister, and that was on the first Sunday after the expulsion, when Sister Tibbits stood at the gate of the Plum Street Chapel and watched her go by. Firmly Sister Tibbits stood her ground, her scathing, contemptuous glance sweeping the on- coming vision from tip to toe. " Methody !" sneered Sister Tibbits, scornfully, as the vision passed. " In a Paris bonnet," answered Sister Snell, smil- ing sweetly. " Price, eight and six," she added, looking back over her shoulder. " Hussy!" gasped out the irate Sister Tibbits. "Cat!" retorted Sister Snell, sweetly, as, sweep- ing her skirt around her she daintily tip-toed her way across the street to the Methodist Chapel. 41 The Capture of Brother Clarke Matrimonially, from a widow's or an elderly spinster's point of view, Brother Clarke was the most eligible parti of all the Plum Street Brethren. He was a childless widower, with cash, the owner of the grocery establishment at the corner of Plum Street, and the whole custom of the Plum Street adherents came to his store. Brother Clarke was, before all things, a business man, although he carefully concealed the fact. His prices were reasonable, his quality was good, and his religious views were, from a Plum .Street stand- point, beyond suspicion. Brother Clarke was also thorough. Did you order even so small a thing as a packet of fire kindlers, it invariably came wrapped up in a copy of the " Christian Weekly," and an ounce of black pepper or a packet of lollies for the children was always papered about with a tract. The very fact that he received regular supplies of the " Christian Weekly," and unlimited bundles of tracts gratis, for free distribution, and thus saved no small item in his wrapping paper account, never seemed to enter the minds of the unsuspecting Plum Street adherents. In appearance. Brother Clarke was the envy of all the Plum Street elders. On Sundays, particu- larly, was he the beau-ideal of what an elder should be, and vainly did the other elders try to emulate his appearance. His face was long and cavernous, his aspect even 42 THE CAPTURE OF BROTHER CLARKE. more goat-like than a goat. His chin was clean- shaved, and long, straggly whiskers flowed down upon his white shirt-front. His clothes were of a dull, funereal black. His shirt-studs, gloves, hat and necktie were ditto, and a low-cut waistcoat dis- played his expansive white-shirt bosom to full ad- vantage. Taken altogether, in the language of rude and disrespectful youth, who congregated on street cor- ners, puffing " vile, sulphurous tobacco smoke " into the atmosphere on Sunday mornings. Brother Clarke was " just the juicy billy-goat." Numerous were the traps laid by wily sisters for the ensnarement of Brother Clarke. His bland, child-like innocence of the ways of women was a pleasure to behold. Yet all the same, he avoided all the snares, hidden and otherwise, time after time, with an unconsciousness that was charming; till several of the Sisters, who were more given to re- flection than the others, admitted to themselves that Brother Clarke was a great deal deeper than he looked, and gave up the pursuit. Not so, however. Sister Collins, a gaunt, hard- featured spinster of uncertain age, openly suspected of being luke-warm in her religious views, and for joining the Chapel for her own personal ends. Long, long after the others had given up hope, she, with a determination that was praiseworthy, continued to storm the citadel of Brother Clarke's affections with never-ceasing attacks from new and unsuspected quarters. She watched his every movement as a cat watches 43. PLUM STREET BRETHREN. a mouse, the firm resolve to effect his capture ever uppermost in her mind. Outside the Chapel and in, her hawk-like eyes followed his movements on every possible occasion. Everybody in the district knew that, on Tuesday and Friday evenings, it was his custom to deny himself to all callers, and work alone in the office of his grocery, making up his books. As you passed along the street you could see the windows of the office lit up until a late hour. Time after time had Sister Clarke passed there on those evenings, racking her brains for a new and infal- lible method to acquire the treasure which existed therein, until one evening, overcome with curiosity, she ventured to stealthily enter the back yard at- tached to the premises, with the hope of obtaining a glimpse of her divinity as he sat with brain- racked brow, engaged upon the calculation of his profits, A small window of the office, through which the light streamed, faced upon the yard, and with an eager look upon her countenance, she tip-toed for- ward, only to find that Brother Clarke was not there, and the office empty. On several subsequent nights she again essayed the same journey, always with the same result, until finally her suspicions becoming aroused, she arrived one evening at an early hour, and seating herself behind a pile of stacking cases in the yard, awaited events. As the clocks were striking eight she heard Brother Clarke arrive. He entered the office, and the light from the window shone out as usual. After waiting ten minutes, consumed by curiosity, 44 THE CAPTURE OF BROTHER CLARKE. she was about to steal towards the window, when suddenly the door was quietly opened, and Brother Clarke emerged. But, was it Brother Clarke? Yes, it was, but in a somewhat different garb. A brown bowler hat, cocked rakishly to one side, surmounted his head. His clothes were of the de- scription known to tailors as light fancy check. His waistcoat was white, and across it was stretched a heavy gold cable chain, from which a golden horse-shoe dangled to and fro. His necktie was a vivid scarlet, and in it glittered a large dia- mond pin. In his hand was a light yellow cane, and on his feet were patent leather boots. For one moment the light fell upon this new and glorified Brother Clarke, as the searching eyes of Sister Collins noted all the details; then, as she withdrew her head quickly behind the packing cases, he closed the door and walked briskly across the yard, with a quick, jaunty step, swinging the yellow cane as he went. With a gasp of astonishment at the transforma- tion. Sister Collins, emerging, gazed at the retreat- ing figure, then her quickly working brain jumped to the conclusion that Brother Clarke was leading a double life, and she hurried out, and from afar followed in his rear. Time after time, as she gazed at the jaunty, devil-may-care figure ahead, stepping valiantly along, with the swinging cane, she pinched herself hard to see if it was all a dream, but as she felt the pinch on every occasion, she at last gave it up and realised that she was awake. About two miles away from the radius of Plum 45 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. Street, Brother Clarke turned into a suburban station, purchased a ticket at the office, and passed on to the platform.* Just as the train came in, Sister Collins rushed forward, and securing a ticket to the end of the line, took a seat near the window. Four stations down the line Brother Clarke alighted, and Sister Collins, keeping well in his rear, did the same. Down along the main thoroughfare he passed, and then proceeding along a side street for a short distance, suddenly turned into a small public-house. With an incredulous gasp Sister Collins hurried forward, stationed herself in a dark corner on the opposite side of the road, and gazed in wonderment upon the place which had swallowed up the Plum Street elder. Despite its smallness, it was brilliantly lighted, and seemed well patronised. The sound of a score of voices, singing lustily to the accompaniment of a piano, and the clinking of glasses, floated out into the air. Looking for the name of this house of mirth and joviality, she read the sign : — I SAMUEL J. CLARKSON I Licensed Victualler 46 THE CAPTURE OF BROTHER CLARKE. As the swinging doors opened and closed she caught a glimpse of two attractive barmaids bust- ling to and fro. Taken altogether, the last place in the world one would have thought of seeking for a Plum Street elder, was at the " Anchor and Hope." After waiting some twenty minutes or so, Sister Collins concluded that she was possessed of enough food for reflection to keep her mind occupied for that night at least, and retraced her homeward steps. On two subsequent evenings Sister Collins wit- nessed the same proceeding, and discovered, fur- ther, that Brother Clarke was in the habit of re- turning about midnight, and after shedding his gay plumage in the office, proceeded to his home in his sober, everyday garb. Then she turned her attention to the " Anchor and Hope," and one evening, when she knew that the elder was safe at the Chapel, proceeded to that hostelry. It was evidently an off night, for it seemed much quieter than on previoi^s occasions, and entering boldly, she called for a glass of gin and water. Her wants were ministered to by the elder of the two barmaids, an attractive, largely-built, buxom dam- sel of perhaps five and thirty, whose countenance was not altogether free from a suspicion of artificial colouring. It really seemed, from the liberal helping of gin, and the microscopic dose of water with which Sister Collins regaled herself, that she was not such a stranger to that comforting beverage as might be supposed, and, after helping herself in an absent- 47 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. minded manner to a clove, she chewed reflectively, and prepared to acquire some further information about the erring elder. With her usual craftiness, she started out by assuring the barmaid that she reminded her of her youngest sister, Charlotte, who was so beautiful that when she passed along the street, the heads of the men turned from front to back, until she be- came quite tired of it. When she died, it seems that a master plumber and a sea-captain nearly went out of their minds, and Sister Collins, wiping away a tear at the memory, ordered a further supply of gin and water to assist her in controlling her grief. The buxom barmaid was flattered, and Sister Collins artfully led the conversation from one topic to another, until, in the course of a quarter of an hour, she had discovered that Mr. Samuel J. Clark- son, the licensee of the hotel, was an American gentleman, " a real, good, sporty sort," as the bar- maid described him, " fond of a bit of fun," and not always sneaking around, like some bosses, but just dropped in on a couple of evenings a week to square up accounts. " He knows who he can trust," said the buxom barmaid, in a tone of pride. " In fact," she added, with a confidential giggle, " there are them who say, from attention shown to me in that quarter, that I'll be the landlady here some day." There was no longer any doubt that Mr. Samuel J. Clarkson and Samuel J. Clarke, the Plum Street elder, were one and the same person, and by an 48 THE CAPTURE OF BROTHER CLARKE. effort Sister Collins choked the jealous exclamation which rose to her lips. " He couldn't do better, I'm sure," she said, cor- dially, as she departed. " Not if he was to seek the whole world over." Sister Collins, bearing the latter piece of infor- mation well in mind, determined to use her know- ledge to full advantage upon the first opportunity. That opportunity came a few weeks later, when at a Wednesday evening meeting Brother Clarke was delivering himself of a soul-stirring oration to an enthusiastic gathering upon " Hope." The discourse, delivered in a loud voice, in full, well-rounded sentences, the fruits of many hours of the dictionary and midnight oil, had aroused the audience from its customary lethargy, and Brother Clarke, feeling he was making a decided hit, re- doubled his efforts. " There is Hope, friends," he cried, carried away by his excitement. "Hope for you, Hope for me, Hope for us all. Yea, Hope even for the publican and the sinner," " Hope for the publican and the sinner," echoed the shrill voice of Sister Collins, as, carried away by the prevailing excitement, she arose from her seat and waved her arms wildly in the air. "There is, there is!" chorussed the elders upon the platform, glad to see an awakening in such a lukewarm adherent as Sister Collins. " Let the publican and the sinner cease his evil courses; let him but anchor and hope!" continued Brother Clarke. The words " Anchor and Hope," so familiar to P 49 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. Brother Clarke in another portion of the town, broke the thread of his discourse, and he paused. But the strident voice of Sister Collins took up the cry, and made the rafters ring. " Anchor and Hope !" she shrieked in her shrill falsetto, " Anchor and Hope!" Let the publican and the sinner " Anchor and Hope." The elders on the platform, and the gathering, took up the cry. There was an alluring catchiness about it which seemed to have taken their fancy, and for quite two minutes Brother Clarke waited whilst sundry publicans and sinners were exhorted in every possible way imaginable to " anchor and hope." When the excitement at length subsided. Brother Clarke attempted to go on, but the thread of his discourse was broken, or else his nerves had re- ceived a shock, and after endeavouring in vain to recollect the remainder, he finished somewhat lamely by giving out a hymn. He parted with the other elders at the corner of the street, and walked homeward with his usual dignified step, lost in thought. Suddenly a light, hurrying footstep at his rear, broke upon his meditations, and turning around he gazed upon the shrewd features of Sister Collins. " I was uncommonly taken with your discourse this evening, Brother Clarke," she said, warmly. " Thank you ! thank you ! Sister Collins !" answered Brother Clarke, in his best platform man- ner. '* I noticed that you were moved, and I am proud indeed to think that any words which might 50 THE CAPTURE OF BROTHER CLARKE. fall from my humble lips should carry conviction with them. " Yes!" said Sister Collins, " I was deeply stirred, for I know a man — a very dear friend — who is a publican and a sinner. " Such friendships, Sister Collins," replied Brother Clarke, reprovingly, " are somewhat dan- gerous for the Plum Street Sisters. I would avoid that man. Sister Collins," he counselled, " and hand him over to the refining influences of the Plum Street elders." "No!" answered Sister Collins, firmly, "I won't avoid him; I won't hand him over to the Plum Street Elders, unless," she added, ** I fail in my en- deavours. I shall seek that publican and sinner. Brother Clarke, with your words of comfort. I am going to tell him to * anchor and hope.' To anchor at the ' Anchor and Hope ' Hotel in Little Grundy Street," she added drily, " and hope he won't be found out." Brother Clarke gave a violent start and his tongue clove to the roof of his mouth. Now he understood the reason of her conduct at the meet- ing, and her echoing of the words " publican and sinner," and " anchor and hope." After all these years, just as he had got both businesses on their feet, and was stowing away each year a tidy bit of money, he was found out. Let but a whisper of his hotel connection come out and his grocery business was ruined, for the Chapel custom would fall away like autumn leaves. Twice he essayed to speak in vain. " I — I — I — don't understand," he stammered, at length. 51 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. " But you will, I think," answered Sister Collins, with grim readiness. " You are leading a double life?" " Y-yes," admitted Brother Clarke, guiltily. " And I am a single woman," said Sister Collins, encouragingly. Brother Clarke saw the game. For one sad, fleet- ing mom.ent the form of the buxom barmaid, like a beautiful dream of love, .seemed to hover before his eyes; then, as he thought rapidly of the other side of the question, with the loss of his good name, and half his income, he drove it from him with a sigh. "Would you lead a double life?" he queried, at length, with a sickly smile at the grim meaning of the words. "Just ask me!" answered Sister Collins, in a tone of conviction. " S-sister," stammered Brother Clarke, and then hesitated, for the pill was bitter to swallow. " Sister Clarke to be!" added Sister Collins with grim determination, as, linking her arm in that of her captive, she led him slowly along the street. 32 The Baptism of Brother Brown Brother Brown, who was rather inclined to be vain of his powers as an exhorter, had brought for- ward, at the Wednesday evening concourse of elders, the advisability of some member of the Plum Street Brethren conducting an open air cam- paign for the spiritual betterment of those ungodly beings, who, after the confinement of six days in their places of business, and homes, during the week, ventured to issue forth upon the seventh, for the purpose of inhaling a mouthful of uncontamin- ated air at the seaside. Such an ungodly proceeding upon the Sabbath day had aroused in the breast of Brother Brown a sense of righteous indignation, and he ventured to plead that he might be the chosen one to point out to the lost Sunday afternoon lambs the awful examples recorded in history concerning Sodom and Gomorrah. Several of the Brethren seemed somewhat dubi- ous, and Brother Brown, who had visited the awful scene upon the previous Sunday, started to relate his experiences. " I saw hundreds and hundreds of these poor, misguided people. Brethren, the women covered with tawdry vanity of rainbow colours. I saw men of all ages, and nearly every one of them reeked with that vile abomination — tobacco. I saw dozens and 53 PLUM STREET BRETHREN, dozens issuing stealthily from the public-houses A thrill of horror ran round the circle upon the platform. " Some of them," continued Brother Brown, im- pressively, " smelt of " "Beer!" ejaculated Brother Ham, in a voice of horror. " Cloves !" corrected Brother Brown. " Poor, deluded men," wailed Brother Truesome. " And the little children," continued Brother Brown, "what of them? Did I see them trooping towards the Sunday Schools, with the meek, sedate faces that little children should wear upon the Sab- bath day? No! Did I hear them singing joyous hymns to the accompaniment of the harmonium? No! I saw them. Brethren, sitting upon the beach, drinking ginger beer from stone bottles, and picking out periwinkles with bent pins." A gasp of horror ran through his hearers, and Brother Ham, as leading elder, rose impulsively to his feet. "Go, Brother Brown!" he cried, "and bring these lost lambs back to the fold. Tell them of Sodom and Gomorrah. Tell the women to cast aside their tawdry, rainbow-coloured finery for the modest garb of the Plum Street Sisters " Sister Collins, a somewhat lukewarm adherent, sniffed audibly, as if doubting the success of such an appeal, and Brother Ham, after casting a fiery, withering glance upon the culprit, resumed. " Tell the men to cast their nauseous tobacco and soul-annihilating drink into the sea. Tell them of 54 THE BAPTISM OF BROTHER BROWN. the harmonium and the Heathen, and the joyous life of the Plum Street Brethren. " Allelulia!" chorussed the Brethren, carried away by excitement. " Take away the ginger beer from the children," cried Brother Ham, who dearly loved the sound of his own voice. " I will !" answered Brother Brown, fervently. "Take away the periwinkles and the bent pins!" "The bent pins!" echoed Brother Brown, in a voice of thunder, " Take away the tobacco and the vile drink from the men!" yelled Brother Ham. " I'll do it!" replied Brother Brown, in a tone of conviction, and, seizing his hat, amidst a scene of tumultuous applause, he hurried away to commence the preparation of his address. "Take away every stitch from the women!" shrieked Brother Ham, wildly, as Brother Brown passed down the aisle. " Trust me !" answered Brother Brown, fervently, as he passed out through the door. " Allelulia!" chorussed the Brethren. Brother Truesome alone did not join in the general excitement. He was apparently blowing his nose sonorously into a large red and yellow hand- kerchief, but a close observer might have fancied he was laughing, as if tickled by a thought. For the following three evenings Brother Brown burned much midnight oil in the preparation of his address, and on the succeeding Sunday afternoon, about three o'clock, when the Sunday traffic was at its height, boarded a tram for the seaside. 55 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. At each street corner, fresh passengers thronged in, until the car was packed, and Brother Brown having gallantly relinquished his seat to a lady, hung on to a strap. A sudden turn in the track caused him to lose his footing, and in endeavouring to regain it, he let the full weight of his fifteen stone fall upon the corn of a somewhat bibulous- looking individual, with half-closed eyes, who sat opposite. The bibulous-looking gentleman, in his suffering, so far forgot his whereabouts as to use some ex- tremely lurid language on the clumsiness of human elephants, and Brother Brown, venturing to remon- strate upon its awfulness, was promptly rewarded with a resounding thump in the waistcoat, which quickly doubled him up, gasping for breath, upon the floor. The conductor thereupon stopped the tram, and Brother Brown had the satisfaction of seeing his ad- versary, after clinging to everything and everybody within reach, summarily ejected, to continue the journey on foot. The tram moved on, and the bibulous one, with much lurid, muttered language, limped onward to the beach, and promptly sought his favourite hotel. Giving the recognised knock upon the door, he was admitted, and, in company with twenty or thirty others, crowded around the bar. Just, how- ever, as with a smile of contentment, he raised a foaming glass to his lips, the cry of " Police!" was raised. In the resulting confusion his glass was overturned, and its contents spilled, and, in less time than it takes to tell, he, in company with the others, 56 THE BAPTISM OF BROTHER BROWN. found himself in a side street, with the door locked behind them. Thirsty, and in no very enviable state of mind, he wandered towards the pier, and as he passed the sands, the voice of someone addressing the crowd fell upon his ear, and, looking up, he recognised Brother Brown. A malicious grin spread over his face, and, step- ping over, he hovered in the rear of the crowd. "Look where you're going! Look where you're going! Inter the bottomless pit! Inter the fiery flames!" yelled Brother Brown, waving one arm wildly in the direction of the sea. " Sodom and Gomorrah! Sodom and Gomorrah! Sodom and Gomorrah, and the seaside on Sunday afternoon — it's all one and the same thing. *' Stop, wimmen ! Stop !" he shrieked, " Whither goest thou in this many-coloured flummery upon this Sabbath day? Stop, little children! Stop! Throw away the ginger beer and periwinkles, and I'll give you hymn books instead. Stop, men, stop ! both young and old. Crush those evil-smelling pipes which pollute the breath. Be no longer the friends of the publicans and sinners. Shun that vile abom- ination — drink." "Close all the publick-'ouses !" interjected the bibulous one, in a shrill, falsetto voice, at the back of the crowd. "Allelulia!" echoed Brother Brown, thinking he had made a convert. " Close all the public-houses." " Stop all the Sunday trains and trams," sug- gested the bibulous one. 57 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. "Stop all the Sunday trains and trams!" echoed Brother Brown. " Tear the coloured flummery off the wimmen," came the voice in the rear. " Off with the coloured flummery !" repeated Brother Brown. '* Spare the rod and spile the child," suggested the voice. "Spoil the child!" chorussed Brother Brown. " Down with 'umbugs," said the falsetto voice, in a tone of conviction. "Down with humbugs!" yelled Brother Brown, triumphantly. " Well, git down," said the bibulous one, loudly, in his natural voice, as he thrust his way through the crowd and confronted Brother Brown. " Git down orf that rock, you 'oary ole gasbag 'umbug!" " Wot d'yer mean," he demanded, sternly, fixing a fiery eye upon Brother Brown, " by speakin' like that to 'onest, 'ard-workin' men and wimmen?" " Hear! Hear!" echoed a voice, and the crowd be- came interested. Brother Brown, however, treated his adversary with contempt, and appeared to be searching his hymn book for a hymn suitable to the occasion. The bibulous one, however, was not to be bluffed, and, mounting upon the rock, he elbowed Brother Brown to one side, and proceeded to address the crowd himself. " Men and wimmen an' chaps !" he yelled, " are we goin' to stand calmly there while 'im (pointing to Brother Brown, with a gesture of disgust), an' the likes of 'im, stops our Sunday trains and trams?" 58 THE BAPTISM OF BROTHER BROWN. " No! No!" cried a score of voices in the crowd. " While they tells us to thrash our children — our poor little children," continued the bibulous one, in a melting voice. Hoots and groans of dissent from the crowd. " To tear what ladies call their Sunday clothes — but wot 'e calls their coloured flummery — off their backs?" Frantic yells, mostly female, rose from the crowd, and a score of parasols were uplifted in the air and shaken violently at the form of Brother Brown, who now began to wish himself well out of it. " Are we goin' to 'ave our publick-'ouses closed by the likes of 'im?" queried the bibulous one, point- ing a finger of scorn towards Brother Brown. " No I No I No I" yelled a hundred deep-toned voices, as the enormity of the last offence sank deep into their minds. Brother Brown's knees shook, and he recognised the trap into which his artful adversary had led him. "It was your suggestion!" he said, with a last bold effort, turning to the bibulous one. " Gentlemen !" said the bibulous one, in an in- jured tone, turning to the crowd, " I appeals to you. Do I look like a man who would close a publick- 'ouse on Sunday arternoon " " Or any other time?" he added, as an after- thought. 59 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. "No! No!" yelled a hundred voices, fervently, there being only one answer to such a question. '* Gentlemen!" continued the bibulous one, insinu- atingly, " do we ever suggest turnin' off the water taps so as they carn't 'ave a drink if they wants it?" " Of course we don't!" cried a score of voices. " There's heaps o' water there," continued the bibulous one, maliciously, pointing to the sea, " an' those as is fond o' water shouldn't be kep from it." With a roar of laughter the crowd took the hint, and a score of willing hands seized various portions of Brother Brown's anatomy and dragged him from the rock. "Police!" yelled Brother Brown, as, struggling wildly, he was carried towards the sea. But, as usual, no police were in sight. " Don't be foolish," entreated Brother Brown, in an altered, confiding voice, as they gave him a few preparatory swings to and fro. " I'm no narrow- minded humbug. I take a nip o' square gin myself every night of my life." "Don't forgit it to-night!" yelled the bibulous one, delightedly, as Brother Brown shot out into space. " Ye want ter be careful o' catchin' cold arter sea-bathin'." Amidst the laughter of hundreds of spectators, Brother Brown, his black, dripping garments cling- ing close about him, emerged from the sea, and, dashing through the crowd, boarded the first pass- ing tram, and, alighting near his residence, hurried swiftly along the street. As he turned the last 60 THE BAPTISM OF BROTHER BROWN. corner, however, he almost collided with Brother Ham. Brother Ham adjusted his glasses, and, with a shocked expression, looked the bedraggled elder up and down. " I sadly fear, Brother Brown," he said, in a pained voice, " that the lost lambs have laid evil hands upon you." "Lost lambs, be damned!" interjected Brother Brown, testily, as he abruptly turned away. Brother Ham started violently. " They will be," he called out, in a stern, reproving voice, as he gazed after the retreating figure. " They will be, Brother Brown, without a doubt?" 61 The Martyrdom of Brother Ham ♦^(^ Brother Ham, the leading elder of the Plum Street Chapel, adjusted his spectacles more firmly upon his nose and walked slowly along, peering at the names above the shops, trying in vain to recall the address of the plumber he had forgotten. From out of the paper parcel beneath his arm peeped the iron elbow-joint of the down-pipe con- nected with his water-tank, which he wished re- paired. After retracing his steps to and fro for several moments he stopped in front of a shop, with the intention of making an enquiry. At that moment, a brawny hand seized him firmly by the neck, and glancing fearsomely over his shoulder, he beheld the stern, helmeted visage of a policeman. In the policeman's mouth was a whistle, on which he blew lustily, and a little crowd of men and women and small boys quickly gathered. " Wot's 'e been doin'?" asked a labouring man, speaking with his pipe between his teeth. The policeman disdained an answer, and con- tented himself with tightening his grip upon his prisoner's neck and blowing a further blast upon the whistle. " I think 'e's a pickpocket," observed a woman, shifting her baby upside down. W THE MARTYRDOM OF BROTHER HAM. The labourer immediately dived into his pocket and drew forth a very doubtful-looking half-sove- reign, " I thought 'e'd 'ad me for this," he remarked, with a relieved air. " I've been trying to pass it all the mornin'," he added, after a pause. "Tried the church plate?" queried the woman, with a grin. " Not much !" answered the labourer, with con- viction. " If 'e's got a 'arf-crown an' a penny amongst 'is other money, they're mine," said the labourer, tap- ping the policeman on the sleeve, with the stem of his pipe. "See!" he added, pulling out an empty trousers pocket. " I was lookin' in that winder afore he came. They was in it then, and they're gone now." The policeman surveyed his general appearance with an unbelieving air. " You can see for yerself," said the labourer, in- dignantly, observing the look. " I'll swear it agin him — when I get me money back," he added, after a pause. " Wot is it?" asked a small boy, in a shrill voice, who had just arrived. " Murder," answered an urchin, who had tried in vain to squeeze his way in, and had been baffled in the attempt. "Child-murder!" he added, noting the horror- stiuck look in the face of the newcomer, and glad of a listener, W PLUM STREET BRETHREN. " 'E's got the body in that 'ere parcel under his arm," he added. "Will they 'ang 'im?" enquired the newcomer, anxiously. " I dunno as to that," answered the first speaker, not caring to prophesy so far ahead, " seein' as 'ow 'tis only a kid, but if 'e gets off it'll cost 'im a matter o' forty bob." " Or seven days," he added, as an afterthought. " Phew !" whistled the listener, with an air of sur- prise, " that's a pretty stiff price for doin' in a nipper — ain't it?" " My oath !" answered the speaker, as he ad- justed a pin in his cigarette butt, and reflectively blew a cloud of smoke. At this moment two policemen proceeded around the corner at a very leisurely pace. " Hurry up !" called the policeman who had whistled for aid, " I've got an Anarchist." At the words the oncoming policeman broke into a run, and the crowd gave a gasp of astonishment. " He's got a bomb in that parcel beneath his arm," added the policeman, tightening his hold on the neck of Brother Ham. At the words Brother Ham gave an involuntary start, and the iron pipe dropped upon the pavement with a resounding clang. With a yell the crowd rushed frantically in all directions, the policemen well in front, and ere the echoes died away he found himself alone. From round sundry corners, and in adjacent door- ways, heads peeped anxiously around, waiting for the explosion which never came. 64 THE MARTYRDOM OF BROTHER HAM. Nothing further occurring, the three policemen top-toed silently up behind Brother Ham, who stood with a pained, puzzled expression on his countenance, whilst the crowd looked on in breath- less silence from their points of vantage. As they neared him. Brother Ham looked down, and seeing his iron pipe-casting upon the ground, stooped to pick it up. " Look out !" cried the shrill-voiced boy from an adjacent corner, where he peeped cautiously out be- hind the labourer, "he's a-goin' to throw it again!" At the words, the policemen turned frantically and fled, and one of their number, falling, spread- eagled out upon the pavement. " Little beast," observed the labourer, angrily, turning and fetching the urchin a hearty kick which sent him howling away. " If ever there's a bit o' enjoyment goin' trust a darned boy to spile it every time," he added, with an injured air, turning to a grocer who stood near. " That's true," observed the grocer, with convic- tion, " I've got seven of me own," he added, thought- fully. " 'Ow old's the eldest?" asked the labourer, with a show of interest. " Nineteen," replied the grocer. " Workin'?" queried the labourer. " Rather !" answered the grocer. The labourer nodded his head with an air of satis- faction. " That's right !" he observed, presently, " nothin' like it." " 'Ow old's the youngest?" he enquired, after a pause. K 05 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. " Five," replied the grocer. " Workin'?" queried the labourer, with the same show of interest. " No !" answered the grocer. " Make 'im," observed the labourer, with decision, " Let 'im sell papers fer a start. Direckly yer put trowsis on a boy, work 'im ! That's the way to treat em. " This eddication racket's a lot o' nonsense," he continued, " I never 'ad any darned eddication," he added. The grocer nodded his head, as if he had noticed the fact. " An' yet I might a 'ad jobs if I'd liked." " Several times," he added, after a pause. The policemen, meanwhile, had struggled to their feet, and stood in a friendly doorway, whilst Brother Ham, picking up his parcel, adjusted his glasses more firmly upon his nose, and started to walk away. The policemen, noting the action, and becoming at last convinced that there was no danger, rushed forward, and secured him, taking the precaution, however, to handcuff him securely. Unheeding his indignant protests, they hailed a passing cab, and promptly conveyed him to the police station. "With what is he charged?" queried the officer- in-charge. " Anarchist!" replied the first policeman, his tunic swelling with pride. The officer-in-charge started violently, but sud- denly remembering professional etiquette, dipped his 66 THE MARTYRDOM OF BROTHER HAM. pen in the ink, and affected to treat the matter as an every-day occurrence. " Where arrested?" he enquired. "Constitution Street!" replied the second police- man promptly. " Caught in the act of throwing a bomb." " Describe the bomb," commanded the officer-in- charge, as the pen scratched slowly onward. " Iron!" replied the third policeman, " shaped like a waterpipe, curved round." " Evidently bent with the force of an explosion," he added, with a knowing, sagacious air. " Contents?" enquired the ofificer-in-charge. " Empty," answered the third policeman, dis- mally. " No contents?" enquired the officer-in-charge, in- credulously. " Nothing but emptiness," replied the third police- man, in a vain endeavour to cram something into the waterpipe which held nothing. The ofificer-in-charge then turned his attention to Brother Ham. Brother Ham, in the meantime, had been thinking hard. Annoyed and disgusted at his unceremonious treatment, he had determined to ask for the Inspec- tor upon his arrival at the police station, and after disclosing his identity, lay a complaint against the offenders and depart. But suddenly the thought oc- cured to him that he was a martyr. To be a Christian martyr was the chief desire of Brother Ham's life. What he wanted to be a martyr for chiefly was that he might be billed as such upon the platform of the Plum Street Chapel, while he re- 67 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. counted his experiences to an awe-struck, spell- bound audience in the pews below. He was certainly a martyr now; not exactly, per- haps, of the species he desired ; but, then, was he not a Christian also? Thus he reasoned and salved his conscience. All he wanted now was to spend the night in the cells, and his martyrdom was complete. So when the officer-in-charge turned his attention towards him. Brother Ham was ready. "What is your name?" asked the officer-in- charge. " Martyr!" answered Brother Ham, looking up at the ceiling. " M-a-r-t-e-r?" queried the officer, pausing, with his pen in the air. " M-a-r-t-y-r," corrected Brother Ham, with painful distinction. " I knew he was an Italian," said one of the policemen, in a stage whisper. "What is your Christian name?" queried the officer, glancing over his glasses. "Christian!" replied Brother Ham. " Yes," answered the officer, speaking up louder, " What is your Christian name?" " Christian!" replied Brother Ham, again. " That's what I said," retorted the officer, angrily, " I've asked you three times, ' What is your Chris- tian name?' " " And I've told you three times it's ' Christian ' " retorted Brother Ham, with some heat. "Oh!" ejaculated the officer, turning very red, 68 THE MARTYRDOM OF BROTHER HAM. and hastily writing it down, while a faint smile played over the faces of the policemen. When the writing was finished the officer read it over, and looked up at Brother Ham suspiciously. " Christian Martyr," he repeated, slowly. " I hope you're not playing the fool," he added, favouring Brother Ham with a mistrustful glance. Brother Ham cast his eyes meekly towards the ceiling, and disdained a reply. " What occupation?" asked the officer, presently. " I am the leader of the Plum Street Brethren," replied Brother Ham, proudly. " The Plum Street Brethren," repeated the officer, as he wrote it down. Somehow the name seemed strangely familiar to him. " Do you know the Plum Street Brethren?" he queried of the three policemen who were also vainly endeavouring to place the familiar name. " I can't quite recall " " I rather fancy they're Nihilists," said the stoutest policeman. "No! No!" interjected another, "You're wrong about that, I think it's one of the Italian Societies." " Or German or French," he added, after a pause. " It's a branch of the ' Clan-na-Gael,' " interrupted the third policeman, with decision. "Ah!" observed the officer, with a relieved air, " I can't say for certain, but I fancy you're right about that." " Where do you reside?" he asked, turning to Brother Ham. Brother Ham mumbled something to the effect that for that evening, at least, the gaol seemed to 69 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. be his fixed place of abode, but the officer only caught the last words. " No fixed place of abode," he repeated, as he wrote it down. " I was sure of it," he added, with conviction. " Take him away," he continued, and presently Brother Ham heard the cell door clang behind him, and sank down upon the straw — a Christian Martyr. Meanwhile, the mysterious disappearance of Brother Ham was occasioning much anxiety to his wife, and to the elders of the Plum Street Chapel. Vainly they sought for a clue to his whereabouts, ceasing their search only at a very late hour. A message concerning the arrested Anarchist had been sent from the cells to the Detective Office, and, in the absence of anybody better, a junior de- tective was despatched the next morning to identify the prisoner, if possible, as the officer-in-charge was far from satisfied with the name with which Brother Ham had provided himself. Brother Ham, having passed the night in gaol, was accordingly paraded, along with several " drunks and disorderlies," in the corridor of the police station, and the junior detective proceeded to pick out his man. Being a new man, this was his first task of any importance, and he was somewhat anxious to place on record a reputation for smartness and discern- ment. With a decided air he turned towards a gaunt, Italian vendor of ice-cream, adorned with a black eye, who stood next to Brother Ham. " Dynamiti Stromboli, the Italian Anarchist!" he 70 THE MARTYRDOM OF BROTHER HAM. ejaculated, with a dramatic air, taking a step for- ward. One of the policemen in attendance, seeing the course he was steering, coughed loudly behind his hand, and jerked his thumb in the direction of Brother Ham. With a swift recovery the detective checked his steps, and placed his hand upon Brother Ham's shoulder. *' Knew him in a moment!" he observed. " We've got his portrait in the Rogue's Gallery," he added; " can't say for certain, from memory, but fancy it's 7804." The face of Brother Ham, when he heard this, was a study to behold, and a milkman among the prisoners, who lived in the vicinity of the Plum Street Chapel, and had been on an evening's spree, terminating in the watch-house at 3 a.m., recog- nised Brother Ham, and gave a gasp of astonish- ment. Brother Ham, however, stuck to the course he had mapped out. " Christian Martyr!" he observed, with a meek glance upwards. " Nothing of the sort," retorted the junior detec- tive. " Your name is ' Dynamiti Stromboli,' the Italian Anarchist, and you needn't deny it." " I've been shadowing you for a week," he con- tinued, " and never lost sight of you till yesterday morning." " Not until you went into that pub," he added, " and gave me the slip down a back lane." The milkman whistled audibly, and Brother Ham's face grew red with indignation, but he re- 71 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. strained himself by an effort, and was presently locked in his cell again. When the court opened, the case of the milkman was the first disposed of, and justice having been satisfied with the payment of seven and sixpence, he regained his liberty. His first act was to hurry outside, and he lost no time in communicating the awful tidings of Brother Ham's fate to the Plum Street Elders. They reached the court-house in a body twenty minutes after, followed, a few seconds later, by a group of breathless Sisters, just as Brother Ham ascended the steps to the dock. Brother Ham noted the arrivals, and a feeling of elation spread all over him. To be a martyr — a Christian martyr, in a public dock, with half the congregation looking on. This was joy indeed. In answer to the enquiry as to his name, Brother Ham preserved a dignified silence, with his eyes fixed firmly on the ceiling. " Can anyone identify him?" asked the magi- strate, testily. The junior detective stepped forward with an im- portant air, and wiped the book affectionately with his lips. " Do you identify the prisoner?" queried the magistrate, his pen paused in the air. " Yes," answered the junior detective, " I identify him as Dynamiti Stromboli, the Italian Anarchist." At the name of this great leader of anarchy, a thrill of curiosity ran through the court, and a hundred eyes were turned on Brother Ham. Suddenly Brother Pruett, who could restrain 72 THE MARTYRDOM OF BROTHER HAM. himself no longer, stepped forward, his eyes blazing with excitement. "It's a lie!" he cried, loudly, "an atrocious lie — he's Brother Ham!" " Of the Plum Street Brethren," added Brother Peebles, following in his lead. " Silence!" commanded the magistrate, in a voice of thunder. "Silence!" echoed the court crier. But they were not to be silenced. When the men grew husky, the women took it up, until the court was a perfect babel, and the magistrate, seeing that something was wrong, ordered Brother Pruett into the witness box. " Can you identify the prisoner?" he asked. " Yes," replied Brother Pruett, with decision. " he's Brother Ham, of the Plum Street Brethren, and I've known him for seventeen years." ^ chorus of assent spread through the court, and the three policemen and the junior detective grew visibly uneasy. At this moment the policeman on the Plum Street beat entered the court, and gazed with a look of wonder upon the well-known face of Brother Ham, in the dock. " Can any member of the force identify the prisoner?" asked the magistrate, looking around the court. " I can," answered the newcomer, readily. " 'Is name's 'Am, Brother 'Am, they call 'im, of a chapel called the Plum Street Brethren, on my beat." " Are you certain?" asked the magistrate. 73 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. " Positive !" replied the policeman, with convic- tion. " Is he of good character?" asked the magistrate. " E's the most religious man I ever met," answered the policeman, " every time I go past 'is 'ouse 'e gives me a trackt. I've 'ad to caution 'im about it," he added, sternly. The junior detective was again ordered into the witness-box, much to his discomfiture. " Why did you identify this man as ' Dynamiti Stromboli?' " queried the magistrate, sternly. " I — I — made a mistake," stammered the junior detective, nervously. " When you joined the force," added the magi- strate, curtly. " I'm fresh on the job," quavered the junior de- tective, by way of explanation. "Very fresh!" snapped out the magistrate, caus- tically. " Step down!" The three policemen were then questioned. "Why did you arrest this man?" queried the magistrate, glancing sternly over his glasses. " He was actin' suspicious-like in Constitution Street," replied the first policeman, nervously. " With a bomb," continued the second. " Under his arm," added the third. "Produce the bomb!" commanded the magi- strate. Amid a breathless silence the bomb was produced, and handed up for inspection, and the magistrate gazed at it in bewilderment. " Really," he commented, with a mystified air, " I don't quite see " 74 THE MARTYRDOM OF BROTHER HAM. " It's the elbow-joint of the down-pipe connected with the water-tank at my residence, 29 Plum Street," interrupted Brother Ham, opening his mouth for the first time. " I was taking it to the plumber's to get repaired," he continued, " and whilst looking around for his shop was arrested by these " ** Idiots," ventured Brother Pruett, caustically. " Evidently!" observed Brother Ham. "Silence!" interjected the Usher. " They refused to listen to my explanations," con- tinued Brother Ham, " conveyed me to the watch- house, and ignominously threw me — a Christian Brother, into " Here Brother Ham paused, that the full effect of his words might not be lost upon his audience. *' A prison cell !" he added, dramatically, waving his hand in the air. A gasp of indignation at the enormity of the offence ran through the listeners in the body of the court, and the magistrate, perched on high, shed glances of fire through his glasses upon the unfor- tunate detective and the three policemen. " I trust," continued Brother Ham, with dignity, " that this dastardly outrage upon a peaceful, law- abiding Christian Brother will be brought before the notice of the Chief of Police." " I shall make it my special business," replied the magistrate. " I regret the unfortunate occurrence, 73 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. and you are discharged without a stain upon your character." Here the enthusiasm of the Plum Street Brethren and Sisters grew beyond bounds. " Silence in the Court!" roared the Usher, in vain. They heeded him not, as they " Hallelulied " into the street. Brother Ham was the last to emerge. Anticipat- ing the dramatic reception which awaited him out- side, he artfully postponed his going until the last, that it might have full effect. As he passed out, the three policemen and the junior detective were grouped at the entrance. " I'll pot 'im for this, yet," observed the first policeman, audibly, as Brother Ham, wearing his Christian Martyr look, passed by. "Christian Martyr!" ejaculated the second, with a scornful laugh. " Damned old 'umbug !" added the third, with conviction. " You've made fools o' the lot of us," observed the stout policeman, glaring at the junior detective. " Nature saved me the trouble," said the junior detective, sarcastically, as he turned away. Brother Ham's return back to Plum Street, and the recital of his martyrdom, lasted until night had fallen, and long after his wife had retired to bed he sat with a camel's hair brush and a bottle of red ink, and laboured away at a placard to be posted at the Chapel Door. 76 THE MARTYRDOM OF BROTHER HAM. At last it was finished, and he sank back in his chair with a sigh of content, gazing proudly at his handiwork. BROTHER HAM THE CHRISTIAN MARTYR Win relate the Soul-stirring Experiences of his terrible Persecutions HIS AWFUL SUFFERINGS ENTITLED A Martyr in Gaol ON Wednesday Evening, at 8 o'clock. Collection in aid of Heathen's Money-Box. 77 The Awfulncss of Brother Pounds Brother Pounds had been admitted as a new member on the previous Sunday, and now, at the close of the Wednesday evening meeting, he walked forward to the end of the aisle amid a breathless silence and stood gazing at the conclave of elders upon the platform. Brother Ham looked over his glasses with a cheerful, benignant air. The newcomer was evi- dently a seeker after knowledge, and who was better able to minister to his needs than Brother Ham, the leading elder. " Well, Brother Pounds," he said, adjusting his glasses, with an air of grave wisdom, " what seek you?" "Coals!" replied Brother Pownds, briefly. "Eh?" said Brother Ham, who thought he had not heard aright, whilst the other elders craned their necks forward in a listening attitude. " Coals !" repeated Brother Pounds again, and then, as they all eyed him blankly, added: — " Coals fer the fire, don't you understand?" "Ah! Coals of fire," exclaimed Brother Ham, with the air of one who understands, his eyes light- ing with enthusiasm as he started to his feet and assumed his best platform manner, whilst the other elders settled back in their chairs and prepared for an intellectual treat. 78 THE AWFULNESS OF BROTHER POUNDS. "Brethren!" continued Brother Ham, "here is a text, a noble text, set by our new brother this evening. A man evidently of great and noble thoughts, for 'tis a subject which we cannot ap- proach but with a glow of enthusiasm and warmth." " Hallelujah !" echoed the Brethren, whilst Brother Pounds stood with his mouth wide open, wearing an amazed, uncomprehending look. " Just think of it. friends," continued Brother Ham, warming to his task, " coals of fire ! just think of the meaning of those words. Words which have been selected with great judgment by our new member, Brother Pounds, Picture to yourself an ill done you by an enemy. Suppose, for instance, a false friend purloins a large sum of money, and blames the theft on to you. Picture him entering the witness-box and swearing your liberty away. Picture to yourself a long term of imprisonment, day after day clad in coarse prison garb, brutally ill-treated by rough gaolers." "'Ear! 'Ear!" cried Brother Pounds, who had now assumed an attentive, listening attitude. "Picture yourself, washing the stone yard of a prison upon a frosty morning, and then, at the clang of a bell, marching into a cheerless ward for a meagre breakfast of oatmeal " " 'Ominy," corrected Brother Pounds. Several of the elders looked suspiciously at Brother Pounds, but Brother Ham, unheeding the interruption, went on : — " Picture to yourself the long day of stone-break- ing or picking oakum, the scant, unappetising din- 79 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. ner and tea, and then being locked into a dark, cheerless cell just as the night was falling." " Like a fowl," interposed Brother Pounds, who was taking a keen interest in the narrative. " Think, Brethren," went on Brother Ham, " of what a long term of this heart-breaking life would mean, and how, when finally, like most things, it came to an end, you would pass from it prema- turely old, and gray, and bent " Here Brother Ham paused and wiped the mois- ture from his eyes. " Think, Brethren," he continued, " what it would be to find your wife dying, and two children left in your care, and then imagine yourself seeking that man who had done you this grievous wrong." Brother Pounds involuntarily clenched his fists in a threatening manner. " Picture what it would be to find him living in the lap of luxury on the money for the robbery of which you had been unjustly condemned. Imagine his luxurious home, his well-filled cellar " Brother Pounds' face expanded into an apprecia- tive smile. "With his servants, his horses and carriages. Picture yourself, wan and prematurely gray, lead- ing your children by the hands and entering his presence, and then, as he stood there with a scorn- ful, mocking laugh, and bade you begone, imagine yourself turning round and heaping coals of fire " "Red 'ot!" interjected Brother Pounds, with great gusto. " Upon his head," concluded Brother Ham, wip- 80 THE AWFULNESS OF BROTHER POUNDS. ing his forehead and looking around with an appre- ciative glance. "Hallelujah!" echoed the Brethren, with an ad- miring glance at Brother Ham. '* Serve him dam well right," interjected Brother Pounds, with emphasis. Brother Ham started violently, and glanced at Brother Pounds with a grave, horrified air. " What was that you said, Brother Pounds?" he observed, severely, hoping that he had not heard aright. " Serve him dam well right," repeated Brother Pounds, slowly, with indignation in his voice. The Brethren gave a horrified look, and Brother Truesome turned his eyes to the ceiling and groaned aloud. " The man as would do a rotten trick like that to a chap," observed Brother Pounds, " didn't deserve anythink better." " A bucket o' red 'ot coals," he added, with a grim smile. " That'd toon 'im up a treat. That'd singe 'is top-not for 'im," The Brethren looked at Brother Ham in awe- struck silence, and Brother Ham, recovering from the shock, cleared his throat, but before he could utter a word, Brother Pounds, with the mental pic- ture still before him, commenced again. " And 'im with all that money, too," commenced Brother Pounds, " an' the corstly rayment, and 'eaven alone knows what, and never as much as to offer to share it with the bloke as'd done time for it !" F 81 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. " Not even a passage to Amerikey and a couple of 'undred quid," he continued. "Not a fiver!" " Not a bloomin' sixpence with a 'ole in it," he added, satirically. " Damme !" he cried suddenly, his indignation getting beyond all bounds, " 'e didn't even arst the pore chap if 'e 'ad a mouth!" "Silence!" roared Brother Ham, in a voice of thunder, in an effort to maintain order. But Brother Pounds was not to be silenced. " An' 'im with a celler full of licker," he con- tinued, wrathfully, as the mental picture of a well- filled cellar rose before his eyes. " Cases and cases of it, carsks and demmyjohns of it!" "Ale! an' stout, an' gin, an' brandy, an' wisky," continued Brother Pounds, enumerating them with keen relish upon his fingers. " An' a 'ogshead o' rum, probably," he added, smacking his lips. Brother Truesome groaned aloud at the thought, and Brother Ham, speechless at the outburst his attractive mental picture had caused, leaned back in dismay. " And a gallon o' cherry brandy, for the stum- mick's sake," went on Brother Pounds, and then paused, waiting for his imagination to catch up to his tongue. Brother Ham opened his lips, but Brother Pounds got going first. " An' never to arst the pore chap if 'e 'ad a mouth! I'd a 'ad sometin' out o' that man," he continued, wrathfully, with an air of con- viction. " If I couldn't 'ave squeezed *arf the swag 82 THE AWFULNESS OF BROTHER POUNDS. out of 'im for my share, arter all that sufferin', I'd 'ave brained 'im with a brick." " I wouldn't 'ave come away empty 'anded, I'd • " Here Brother Pounds' anger began to cool for want of words, and remembering where he was, " I'd 'ave plucked a flower as I went down the path," he added, lamely. Directly he had subsided. Brother Ham rose to his feet, with a stern, horrified look. ** Brother Pounds," he commenced, " I am sorely grieved and horrified at this awful outburst, this terrible language, and the wicked thoughts which my little parable has raised in your breast." " Well, it was your yarn," interjected Brother Pounds, with an aggrieved air. " You started it. All I arst for was 'arf a ton o' coals," he added. " Half a ton of coals," repeated Brother Ham, with a mystified air. " An' a couple o' thick winter blankets," added Brother Pounds. "Blankets!" repeated Brother Ham. " Blankets!" echoed the elders. " That's wot I said," repeated Brother Pounds, somewhat testily. " Am I goin' to get 'em, or am I not?" " But we don't give coals and blankets away here," explained Brother Ham. " We " " Wot?" ejaculated Brother Pounds, with a severe air. " Do I understand yer to say that yer don't give away coals an' blankets to pore members of yer congregation as wants 'em?" " Certainly not !" answered Brother Ham, with 83 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. decision. " If you require the necessaries of life you must work for them." "Work!" shrieked Brother Pounds, indignantly. " Didn't I work two 'ole days larst week, an' all I got was seven bob a day." " There are six working days in the week," inter- posed Brother Peebles. "Well!" retorted Brother Pounds, warmly, " Didn't I spend the other four in the Readin' Room of the Publick Librey — improvin' me mind," he added, as an afterthought. " If there's no coals and blankets give away," he continued, turning a wrathful glance towards Brother Truesome, at the end of the row, " wot did yer mean by arskin' me to jine yer? Wot did yer mean by tellin' me there was benefits to be gained?" " I 'ope you wasn't pullin' me leg," he added, clenching his fist threateningly. Brother Truesome, who had made the convert a few days before, in his green-grocer's shop, under promise of great benefits to come, subdued a chuckle in his throat, and casting his eyes to the ceiling, observed: — " I meant benefits to come, friend," he answered. "Well, and didn't I come?" retorted Brother Pounds. " Didn't I spend three hours last Sunday night listenin' to this old geyser spoutin' away like a kettle on the bile?" Here he pointed a grimy forefinger at Brother Ham. " Didn't I put a penny in " "Where did that penny o' mine go to?" he de- manded, looking suspiciously at the elders, with the 84 THE AWFULNESS OF BROTHER POUNDS. air of a man anxious to regain his own. " The collection last Sunday was in aid of the Heathen," observed Brother Ham. "Has my penny gone to the 'Eathen!" enquired Brother Pounds, with a calm, even voice, which be- spoke a rising storm. " Certainly," answered Brother Ham. " An' I won't never get it back again," queried Brother Pounds, in a chilly voice. "Certainly not!" replied Brother Ham, with great decision. "Wot!" shrieked Brother Pounds, his voice ris- ing to a shrill treble as his anger rose within him. " Do you mean to tell me that penny 'as gorne to the 'Eathen? Do you mean to sit there an' say that those great, big 'ulkin' saviges are spendin' my 'ard earned money in drink in them uninabited islands; alayin' stretched out in the sun, with their fat, lazy carcasses stuffed full o' bannarners, and a-reekin' of cocoanut ile, while the giver of the feast is shiverin' at 'ome in the cold for want of 'arf a ton o' coals in the 'ouse, an' 'is children ain't got lead- pencils enough to finish their eddication?" "Wot d'ye mean by it?" he enquired, wrath- fully, " enticin' men inter a draughty 'ole like this, by tellin' them there was benefits a-comin', when they might a been sittin' warm an' cosy in a publick- 'ouse?" " Oh!" echoed the Brethren, with a simultaneous gasp of horror. " With a pipe an' a glass o' beer." " Poor, deluded man," observed Brother Ham, pityingly. 85 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. " I ain't delooded," retorted Brother Pounds. " I've been diddled, that's wot I've been, diddled out o' a penny." " I might a' known you wasn't the clean pertater," he added, glancing wrathfully at Brother Truesome. " To think I've been such a chump as to sit there listenin' to that wheezy old yarmonium, until it gave me pains in the " "Hush!" commanded Brother Ham, in a loud, horrified voice, and the word was drowned. " To think," he went on scornfully, " that I've been kidded on to jine this Plum Street Chapel, thinkin' it was a decent place, where you'd give a pore, 'ard workin' man a ton of coals fer nothin', and then to find " Here Brother Pounds grew speechless with indig- nation, and turning away walked hastily down the aisle, but as he neared the porch he recovered his power of speech, and turned around, with his hand on the door, "Damme!" he roared, wrathfully, shaking his clenched fist in the air, " you ain't Christians at all ! You're nothin' but a darned lot o' Plimmy Rock Brethren!" 86 The Nosegay of Brother Binsted The nose of Brother Binsted, the most spiritually aggressive member of the Plum Street Brethren, shone at all times with a ruby radiance, which only whitewash would have subdued. Some local wit, being annoyed at various times by the strenuous efforts of Brother Binsted for his reclamation, had, in a moment of mental exhilara- tion, dubbed it " Brother Binsted's Nosegay," and as such was it known to all and sundry within the vicinity of Plum Street. It was the one standard Plum Street joke, the joke which never grew old. Garrulous old men gurgled it out over pints of ale, time after time. Grandma's too poor, or too thrifty to buy toys for the latest grandchild, brought the joke along in- stead, and it always gave satisfaction, and as each new generation grew up they treasured it up in memory, along with their nursery rhymes. Rude boys yelled it forth in strident voices from points of vantage, and then fled hurriedly for the safe seclu- sion of the back yard, as the owner of it passed along the street with disdainful unconcern. Brother Binsted, however, despite his disdainful attitude, was keenly alive to the disfigurement con- ferred upon his personal appearance by his beacon light. Many a time, and oft, had he tried much ad- vertised remedies in vain; times without number 87 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. had he spent weary half-hours in the consulting rooms of eminent physicians in the city, and parted with much hard-earned cash, but still his roseate radiance remained. Brother Binsted was by no means a favourite, and there were evil-minded persons both inside the Chapel and out, who asserted that he drank deeply of spirituous beverages upon the sly. This was not true, however. Whatever the cause, it was not alcohol, for Brother Binsted, if nothing else, was thorough, and himself practised the stern temperance principles which he preached. His fiery nasal appendage was to him a source of considerable annoyance and misunderstanding. A dear old lady in the 'bus had once handed him a temperance booklet, entitled My Love gives me a Red, Red, Nose and implored him with tears in her eyes to give up that awful habit; and once, in the train, when he had ventured to ask a gentleman similarly affected if he happened to know of anything good to take to effect a cure, the gentleman had replied, with some 88 THE NOSEGAY OF BROTHER BINSTED. sadness, that he knew something mighty good to leave alone to effect a cure, but, so far, he hadn't had the nerve to try it personally, and could only recommend Brother Binsted to make a trial. Between Brother Binsted and the local publican there raged an unceasing war, caused mainly by Brother Binsted, with his strict sense of duty, in- sisting on carrying his zone of operations into the enemy's camp — in other words, into the " Corner Inn." Armed with a bundle of Drink statistics' tracts, he would swoop down upon the publican's strong- hold on a busy evening, and, descending like a whirlwind into the bar, would thrust a pamphlet into the hand of everybody within reach, and leav- ing one on the counter for the irate publican, would depart as suddenly as he came; or else from some dark, secluded nook, would he pounce down upon some of the regular customers as they passed by, and endeavour to lure them towards the Plum Street Chapel. When his efforts were at last rewarded by the capture of Josh McNagle, a life-long, drink-sodden toper, and Josh became a Plum Street Brother, the indignation of the landlord knew no bounds. "Damme!" he cried, wrathfully, "I'll be even with 'im yet; 'e might as well 'ave picked me pocket." This was literally true, for the greater portion of the earnings of Josh had, for so many years, passed into the hotel till, that the landlord had at last grown to regard Josh as part of his income, and no man likes to see his income taken away. 89 PLUM STREET BRETHRE^f. After this episode the warfare became even more strenuous. Brother Binsted, elated with his victory, endeavoured to repeat it, and the irate landlord, meeting him in the street, openly threatened, be- fore a number of witnesses, to " do for him yet." Brother Binsted, with his usual alacrity, promptly had him hauled before the justices, and bound over to keep the peace, which latter incident did not tend to cast oil upon the stormy waters. Day after day the landlord racked his brains for some means of retaliation upon the enemy, but in vain, until, at last, on the principle that two heads were better than one, he consulted a friend in the private detective line, and between them they hit upon a scheme; it only remained for a fitting op- portunity to put it into execution. The conspirators, accordingly, kept themselves well informed as to the doings of Brother Binsted and the Plum Street Brethren generally, and not long afterwards the opportunity came. A number of elders from a neighbouring State, belonging to a persuasion somewhat similar to the Plum Street Brethren, were to pay a visit to the latter, to discuss certain matters of moment, re- garding the Heathen. Upon the evening of their arrival, they were to be met at the station by Brother Ham and the other elders, and escorted to the residence of Brother Binsted, with whom they were to sojourn during their stay. Brother Binsted was to remain behind to superintend the arrangements for the entertain- ment of the guests, and was to receive them with an address of welcome suitable to the occasion. 90 THE NOSEGAY OF BROTHER BINSTED. The guests were expected to arrive about eight o'clock, and about 7.30, just when Brother Binsted was retiring to a little room upon his front veran- dah, which he dignified by the name of his " study," for a last private rehearsal of his address of welcome, he heard the front gate click. Looking up, he encountered a grave, reverend-looking gentle- man, with a sad, sweet smile, who carried in his hand a Gladstone bag. It was none other than the landlord's friend in the detective line, suitably at- tired for the occasion. Brother Binsted, glancing him enquiringly up and down, decided that, whoever he was, he was eminently respectable; in fact, there was a meek- ness about his demeanour that suggested a de- cidedly devout turn of mind, and in the lapel of his coat was a tiny fragment of blue ribbon. Raising his hat with grave courtesy, he requested the favour of a few moments' private conversa- tion, and Brother Binsted led the way into his study. There the stranger, in a lowered, confiden- tial-toned voice, gently, oh! ever so gently, intro- duced the subject of red noses. Brother Binsted was at first annoyed, but the voice of the stranger, so persuasive, so apologetic, as he recounted the wonderful cures wrought by his miraculous discovery, caused him firstly to listen attentively, and finally to become convinced. " Had the gentleman a bottle of his mixture with him?" he asked, at length. Yes! the gentleman had, and produced it. It was a pleasant-looking mixture, at the reasonable price of one shilling and sixpence, and Brother Binsted determined to give it a trial. 91 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. " The dose," said the visitor, in the same confi- dential tone used by the family doctor, " is a wine- glassful three times a day. No time like the pre- sent," he added, with a persuasive smile, as, pro- ducing a glass measure, he filled up the dose, and handed it to Brother Binsted. Brother Binsted drank it down, and as he did so the grave-looking gentleman once again started upon a long recital of its infallible qualities. As Brother Binsted listened, a pleasant, sleepy feeling came over him, and the voice sounded fur- ther and further away. Still, the voice droned on, an irresistible desire to close his eyes came upon him, and giving way to it at last he sank down upon an easy chair alongside the table, his head gradually fell over on one side, and Brother Binsted slept soundly — drugged into th£ land of Nod. Then the grave-looking gentleman woke up sharp. Replacing the bottle of medicine in his bag, he drew out three empty stout bottles, a bottle half-full of whisky, a glass and a corkscrew, and placed them upon the table. These were followed by a couple of corks, some odd pieces of bottling wire, and tin foil to complete the details, after which he filled the glass half-full of whisky, and placed it at the sleeper's elbow. Then, leaning over, he brought forth a stick of rouge and gave to the nose of Brother Binsted an even more brilliant red than it had ever worn before. Finally, he locked the door, threw the key back over the skylight into the room and passed unobserved out through the gate. 92 THE NOSEGAY OF BROTHER BINSTED. Meanwhile, Brother Binsted's wife and her helpers, after completing their share of the prepara- tions, had retired to attend to their own personal adornment, feeling they were safe in leaving the reception of the guests in the able hands of Brother Binsted. It was consequently not without surprise a quarter of an hour later, when, amidst a babel of voices in the hall, the voice of Brother Ham was heard somewhat testily enquiring the whereabouts of Brother Binsted, who was to have received the guests with the address of welcome, Mrs. Binsted came hurriedly down, but Brother Binsted was not to be found.. Through the house, his name was called, and the only information gained was that his usual haunt, his study, was in darkness and the door locked. " I trust no harm had befallen our Brother, no sudden illness!" said Brother Ham, somewhat anxiously. " Perh'^ps he's swooned away," said Brother Peters. Brother Truesome being nearest, again tried the door, then, anxious to end the suspense, placed his burly form against it and burst open the lock. Inside all was in darkness. Brother Binsted was called again, but no answer. Brother Truesome meanwhile had struck a match and lit the gas. The light flared up and fell upon the slumbering form of Brother Binsted, and several of the Elders and strangers hurried forward with various exclama- tions. As their eyes, however, took in all the de- tails and noted the half-filled glass and the empty 93 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. bottles upon the table, an awful doubt came across their minds. Nobody cared to voice the terrible thought, and a deep silence reigned. Brother Truesome broke it. Startled for the once out of his usual serenity, the words, which, in the days before he had found grace would have de- scribed the condition of Brother Binsted, came to his lips, and all unconsciously, he brought them forth. " Great Scott !" he cried, " He's on the burst." Several of his hearers were visibly shocked at the awful words, but with much sad shaking of their heads, they reluctantly recognised the truth con- tained in them. Brother Binsted's wife, gazing in horror-struck wonderment with uncomprehending eyes upon the unaccustomed scene, could only explain somewhat lamely, that such a thing had never happened be- fore; but as she spoke, she realised from the look upon the faces of her hearers that she was not be- lieved, and promptly losing her temper, she drove the whole gathering before her like a flock of sheep, and ordered them from the house. Brother Ham was accordingly forced to make fresh arrangements for the accommodation of the visitors, but the whole proceedings were clouded by the awful happening, and both sides were visibly relieved when the conference terminated. To say that Brother Binsted was amazed at the state of things when he awoke from his slumbers was to put it mildly. Only too well he recognised how readily he had fallen into the trap laid by the enemy, but what hurt him most was the readiness 94 THE NOSEGAY OF BROTHER BINSTED. of the Plum Street Elders to believe that he should have been guilty of such a terrible lapse. Therefore it was with a feeling of wounded pride that he obeyed the summons of the Plum Street Elders to attend a special meeting upon the next Wednesday evening and give an explanation of his unbecoming conduct. In an injured, martyr-like tone he detailed the eventful happenings, but even to himself it sounded unconvincing; and before he was half-through with his narrative, a storm of unbelieving exclamations broke from his hearers, and Brother Ham, losing patience, tartly recommended to his notice the awful fate of Ananias and Sapphira, and with the full ap- proval of the meeting expelled him from the Plum Street Brethren. Brother Binsted, after a few trenchant, well- flavoured words, appropriate to the occasion, ac- cordingly went, in a state of blazing indignation, and a week afterwards removed his abode none knew whither. By a strange coincidence, upon the day he left, a strictly private meeting between the landlord and his detective friend took place, and a ten pound note changed hands. Brother Binsted accordingly passed out of the lives of the Plum Street Brethren, and was only remembered as a warning, but his pushful aggres- sive nature could not long be idle, and looking ever for new fields, he at last sold off his belongings and went out as a missionary, accompanied by his wife, and started on his own account in a distant South Sea Island, 95 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. The captain of the schooner which landed him endeavoured to dissuade him from the undertaking, but Brother Binsted, though doubtful as to his re- ception, concealed his misgivings and landed. As he approached the savages, with a smile of welcome, they bowed their heads upon the ground with the deepest veneration.. He had hardly ex- pected such an enthusiastic reception as this, but immediately started upon his labours, with his cus- tomary zeal and a glad heart. His gladness, however, was somewhat dimmed when he noticed that each new convert immediately painted his nose a vivid scarlet. In vain he endea- voured to make plain to them that Christianity and red noses were in no way connected, but their child- like minds either would not or could not grasp the fact. They listened attentively to his arguments, they were bland and agreeable — but adamant. They would give up their Christianity with pleasure, they would even give up their clothes, but part with the scarlet nose which the Great Red-Nosed Chieftain had so graciously bestowed upon them the right to wear — never ! With a sigh of resignation, Brother Binsted at last accepted the position. No longer does he feel proud when he thinks of the homage shown to him upon his arrival. Rather does he send thanks to Providence that, misled by his glowing countenance, a tribe of cannibals had bowed down to him as a new and powerful chief, and thus alone was he saved from being the " piece de resistance " at a cannibal banquet by the nose he had so often despised. 96 The Reformation of Crackcm Cribbs A jingle of falling coins echoed through the half- empty chapel of the Plum Street Brethren, jarring the nerves and disturbing the address of Brother Ham, the leading elder of the little Wednesday con- clave of elders upon the platform, who formed the sole occupants of the Chapel. Brother Ham stopped short, and a dead silence reigned, broken only by the ticking of the clock, wrhilst all the eloers sat in a breathless, listening atti- tude, with their eyes directed towards the little vestry from which the sounds proceeded. Presently a sound, as if of someone stumbling against a chair, smote on their ears. " It's a burglar," said Brother Ham, in an awed whisper. " At the Heathens' money-box," quavered Brother Peebles, his teeth chattering together. Brother Truesome, of steadier nerves, and more practical turn of mind, had already tip-toed down the steps of the platform, and stood at the end of the aisle holding up a warning finger, " I'll go round to the vestry window," he whis- pered, " and when I whistle, rush in and secure him whilst I block his retreat." Stealthily he departed on his errand, while the re- maining elders as stealthily gathered around the vestry door, the brave in front, and the timid be- hind. G 97 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. Presemtly the signal was heard, and throwing open the door, they rushed inside in a body. The Heathens' money-box, with the top wrenched off, lay upon the table, while a stout, shifty-looking man, with his legs sprawled out, energetically strove to force himself through the little window, and was as energetically thrust back after each onslaught by the brawny arms of Brother Truesome outside. Each elder immediately grasped some portion of his anatomy, and he was speedily hauled back into the vestry, kicking and struggling wildly. "Yow! leave a bloke alone, carn't yer!" yelled the intruder, as in the tussle his anatomy became pulled and strained in various directions not in- tended by nature. " Police ! police ! help !" he called loudly, as his captors warmed to their work. " Lor blime, it's a bloomin' massacre." " Stow that pullin', you *oary old Balaam's ass !" he cried, casting fiery glances at Brother Ham, who clung breathlessly to his left foot, " I've got a bunion on that toe." As he spoke, he drew in his leg, and sending it forth again with terrific force, he planted his foot firmly in the centre of Brother Ham's waistcoat, and landed that unfortunate elder gasping for breath, in a sitting position, in the corner. Presently Brother Truesome, hurrying round, en- tered the vestry, and locking the door, and fasten- ing the window, commanded them to desist. The burglar rose to a sitting position, and groaned aloud as he surveyed his clothes, consider- ably the worse for the tussle. 98 THE REFORMATION OF CRACKEM CRIBBS. "Call yerselves Christians!" he gasped, looking round with an indignant air. " Lor luv me, do yer want to make me inter a human sossige? Dan'l in the lions' den warn't nothin' to this 'ere vestry," he continued ruefully, rubbing his shins. "Get up!" commanded Brother Truesome. " I carn't," goaned the intruder, " or I'll fall to pieces. I'm 'ere for life, that's wot I am." " Rise at once," interrupted Brother Peebles, " or we'll send for the police." " 'Tain' a police job," groaned the burglar, " send to the 'orspittle." " The 'Orspittle for Incurables," he added weakly, " and tell them to send the wan with the rubber tyres." " Lift him up!" commanded Brother Truesome. " Be careful!" groaned the burglar, as they raised him up, and deposited him on a chair. " Am I all 'ere!" he gasped, looking round with an alarmed air. " Are you sure there ain't a leg missin' — or a wing?" " Be careful o' the wings," he added, as he lay back and closed his eyes. " I'll want 'em both. I'll soon be an angel now." Brother Truesome stepped forward and shook him roughly. " Stop that nonsense!" he commanded, " and tell us what's your name. " Cribbs," replied the intruder with a sigh, " Crackem Cribbs." "Why did you enter our vestry?" asked Brother Truesome sternly. 99 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. ** To put somethin' in the Heathens' money-box," answered Crackem Cribbs, casting up his eyes with a devout air. " This, I suppose !" interrupted Brother Peebles, as stooping down he picked up a small jemmy from the floor. " Right !" answered Crackem Cribbs cheerfully. " You've guessed it in one. Go up top !" " You— you abandoned ruffian," ejaculated the in- dignant Brother Peebles, " Abandoned !" echoed Crackem Cribbs, in amaze- ment. " Well, I like that, and the lot of yer clingin' closer to me than brothers." " I think it advisable to send immediately for a policeman," interrupted Brother Ham, who, having regained his breath, stepped forward. "Oh! yer do, do yer, old bunion snatcher?" ob- served Crackem Cribbs indignantly. . " Well, I don't!" " Call yerselves Christians," he continued, with a scornful glance, " and yet you'd send a man to 'erd with criminals — common, low criminals, for a mat- ter o' seven bob." " Yet," he went on scathingly, " wot could a man expect from a chapel wot 'ad only seven bob in its Heathens' box. 'Ow many pinnies and shirts do you think you could buy with seven bob? Why, it wouldn't cover a 'arf nor a quarter of 'em." " And the rest goin' about naked," he added re- proachfully, " I'm ashamed of you, that's wot I am. It's 'ardly decent." " I won't stay in such company a moment longer," he continued, indignantly, rising as if to go 100 THE REFORMATION OF CRACKEM CRIBBS. " Sit down," commanded Brother Truesome. An animated discussion then took place, the ma- jority being in favour of the intruder enjoying a term of imprisonment. But Crackem Cribbs entered a vehement protest. "No! No!!" he entreated. " 'Tain't Christian-Hke of yer. 'Tain't the sort o' treatment a bloke expecks at the 'ands o' Christian elders." " You shouldn't do wrong, then," observed Brother Peebles, judiciously. " It's me fust offence," wailed Crackem Cribbs, seeing there was some indecision in the matter. " I'll never, never do it again, so help me bob. I ain't never been in gaol, and if you sends me there they'll make a real criminal of me, an' I'll never, never reform." " I'll go from bad to wuss," he wailed. " I'll come back and 'aunt yer after I'm 'ung." Brother Peebles, who was decidedly superstitious, shuddered, and then observed, " Perhaps," he said reflectively, " we ought to try and reform him." " I'll testify," interrupted Crackem Cribbs eagerly. " I'll tell the story of me life upon the platform." " It would certainly be a good draw," observed Brother Ham, waveringly, for a reclaimed burglar upon the Plum Street platform was the dream of his life. " I'll give full particulars o' all me crimes," chipped in Crackem Cribbs, seeing the bait was tak- ing. " I thought this was your first offence," observed Brother Pruett, suspiciously. 101 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. " First o' this kind," explained Crackem Cribbs airily. " I'll make it 'ot and strong," he continued glibly, " Little babies with their eyes gouged out for a bottle o' milk, and kind-'earted old ladies choked with their bonnet strings for a matter o' 'arf a quid." A shudder ran through the circle, and Brother Ham's face lit up with pleasure. " A wonderful, wonderful testimony," he said, re- garding the burglar with a look of fond admiration; " a most marvellous reformation," he added, his eyes lighting up with enthusiasm. " A great and decided attraction to the Plum Street Chapel." " Meeting house chock-a-block," he continued, carried away with enthusiasm. " Overflow meeting on the green. Commencing to-morrow evening at 8 o'clock." " Hallelujah!" cried Brother Peebles, catching the infection. "Hallelujah!" echoed the conclave of elders. " Allylulyer!" added Crackem Cribbs. " I'll be there, punctual to the minit," he con- tinued, looking around for his cap. " I know you will," answered Brother Truesome with decision. " Of course you know," answered Crackem Cribbs, shaking hands as a preliminary to depart- ing, " 'aven't I told you so?" " I know you'll be there," repeated Brother True- some, with the air of a man whose words conveyed some hidden meaning. 102 THE REFORMATION OF CRACKEM CRIBBS. " 'Ow do you know?" asked Crackcm Cribbs, suspiciously. " Because I'm going to lock you in the coal cellar until the morning," replied Brother Truesome, with determination. "Are yer?" retorted the irate Crackem Cribbs, "well, I won't go." " Lor blime," he added, " do you think a bloke's a rat, a-runnin' about the coals all night? Do you think a chap with 'arf a grain o' sense in 'is 'ed would sleep in a dirty coal-cellar, when 'e could sleep in a bewtiful little bedroom all to 'isself in a nice clean gaol?" " With nothin' worse to worry 'im than his con- science," he added, " an' a nice, attentive warder a-walkin' up an' down the passage, in case 'e wakes up at night and wants a glass o' 'ot toddy to make 'im sleep," " I thought you'd never been in gaol !" interrupted Brother Pruett. " Well, I 'ave," retorted Crackem Cribbs with de- cision. " Scores an' scores o' times," he added with grim relish, " and it ain't 'arf a bad place." "But .the common, low criminals you'd meet there," urged Brother Ham. "Criminals!" retorted Crackem Cribbs angrily, " Who are you callin' criminals, you towy-faced old bunion snatcher. They're gents. — gents, wot 'ave been unfortunate; that's what they are. Ready to pass along a chew o' tobaccer when they're inside quod, an' stand a glass o' ale when they're out." " I 'ad a brother once," he continued, glaring 103 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. wrathfully at Brother Truesome, " 'e was alius readin' hymn books an' goin' to Sunday School, and he grew up just like you." " Straggly whiskers an' all," he continued, pointedly. Brother Truesome moved uneasily, and turned red. " An' a great buck tooth in front," added Crackem Cribbs, with grim relish, " an' a red nose, like as two " Here Brother Truesome's patience became ex- hausted, and striding forward, he grasped the in- truder by the collar. " Help !" yelled Crackem Cribbs, loudly. " Lem- me go!" "Bring a light!" commanded Brother Truesome, as they moved to the steps descending to the cellar, but Brother Peebles making the descent to prepare the way, found that the lock was missing, and another discussion arose. Fearing to have his long-sought burglar snatched from his hands. Brother Ham ended it. " Bring him along to my residence, in the next street," he said; " I had a lock put in the cellar door recently to prevent thieving. Let us place him there to-night, and I will reason with him in the morning through the keyhole, when he is calmer." Crackem Cribbs, seeing that further resistance was useless, suffered himself to be led to Brother Ham's residence, stopping only to make a slight re- sistance at the cellar door, which was promptly quelled by willing hands, and the door locked be- hind him. 104 THE REFORMATION OF CRACKEM CRIBBS. After discussing the happening in its various aspects for half-an-hour, the elders departed, and Brother Ham, having persuaded his better half to retire to bed, sat up alone. Procuring a large sheet of white paper, a camel's hair brush, and a bottle of red ink, he started with enthusiasm upon a poster destined to adorn the door of the chapel in the morning: — Plow street GKPiMl) T^EVIMAU ra6ETllM& Ol>l V4e^DKE'S3)«^y EVENING MEiO* PiT of HIS LIFE' op CH I «^e Acrodc peiwG coNveRreo By TWe ?LOn STREET "B^fTHREM 105 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. When he had proceeded thus far, he laid down the brush, and, leaning back in his chair, regarded his efforts with a glance of intense satisfaction. Just at that moment, a cloth was passed quickly across his mouth, and tied behind his head. His legs and arms were deftly fastened to the chair on which he sat, with a piece of rope, and then in front of him he saw the smiling countenance of Crackem Cribbs, who had passed out from the coal cellar with the aid of a skeleton key. Crackem Cribbs slowly spelt out the poster with grim relish, pausing now and then to playfully prod the unfortunate captive in the region of the ribs as a particular sentence took his fancy. " Not too bad, old bunion snatcher!" he observed, with a grim chuckle when he came to the end. " Why, you're quite the hartist." When the placard ceased to amuse him, he turned to the sideboard and laid upon the table such deli- cacies in the way of bread and cheese, and a round of beef, as pleased his fancy. In his search for liquids he was not so fortunate, and eventually turned to Brother Ham. " Where's the beer?" he whispered, anxiously, in that worthy's ear ; but Brother Ham shook his head to and fro with a look of pious horror. " Where's the beer?" whispered Crackem Cribbs again, and he took up a carving fork and playfully pretended to pick out Brother Ham's left eye. But the vigorous shaking of Brother Ham's head 106 THE REFORMATION OF CRACKEM CRIBBS. at last convinced him, and he made a hearty meal without liquid assistance. This done, he leaned back for a moment in deep content, but suddenly realising his whereabouts, he removed his boots and crept stealthily out of the room. In a short time he returned, and as he spread out his spoils upon the table. Brother Ham gave a muffled groan behind his gag. Despite his short ab- sence, he had ransacked the premises thoroughly with an air of long practice. Nothing of any value seemed to be forgotten, and after adding Brother Ham's watch, chain, and money to the total, he stowed it away about his person. Then, picking up Brother Ham, chair and all, as if he had been a baby, he deposited him safely in the coal cellar. Returning to the dining-room, he added some- thing more to the poster, and, taking it with him, passed silently out of the street door. First making sure that nobody was in sight, he tacked the placard to the door with four pins, and, after locking the door, he threw the key into the next-door garden, and passed softly along the street. Early next morning, Brother Truesome, coming out to take down the shutters of his shop, opposite, was astonished to see a little group gazing at a placard which adorned Brother Ham's residence, and crossed over to gratify his curiosity. 107 PLUM STREET BRETHREN. PUOna STREET CHft?El-. Gv^RMD V^eVlMAL MEETING Onl 'Viie'Dr»E'SJ>«y EVENING Ne-W ftT of HIS LiFe* o p cH • <^e 3eroKe BtiwG coNvcRreo By TBe ?LO|sa STREET "BI^ETHREM Underneath, in a different handwriting, was written : — Tiotr rrvu