LIBRARY ientta naiuraue i risli tune soUim vera auum rebus extemls convcmunt P? f JOS^LIBRA'RY " f T H E POSTHUMOUS WORKS OF A LATE DECEASED. NUG1S SOLVERE D1SCE MEIS. MARTIAL. IN TWO VOLUMES. VOL. I. D U B L.I N: Printed for J. EXSHAW, H. SAUNDERS, W, SLBATER, D. CHAMBERLAINE, J. POTTS, J, WILLIAMS, and C. INGHAM. M DCCLXX, T A J 1 _ TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE THEEARLOFCHARLEMONT. My Lord, IH A V E .not; the; honour of being known to your lordfhip. My fole rcafpn. then, forprefeming thefe volumes to you, ariles from trie refpedt andefteem I have often heard the author of them pro- fefs toward your lordfhip's perfon and cha- racter. Upon reading the following pages to me one day, he (lopped at the end of a par- ticular chapter, and exprefled himfelf thus: " Swift faid, that if there were but a *' dozen Arbuthnots in the world, he would *' burn his Gulliver. In like manner," added he, " I declare, that if there were *' only as many Cbarlemonts in thcfe king- ** doms, I would alfo commit my * Prim- " mir to the flames." A 2 So * This article will unfold itfelf in due time. So honourable a teftimony as this, fuf- fkiently juftifies the preference with which I fubfcribe myfelf, on this occafion, your lordfhip's Mod humble and obedient fervant, THE EDITOR. THE EDITOR TO THE READER. I HERE prefent the public with the remains of an author, who has long en- tertained and amufed them, and who has been the fubjecl both of applaufe and cen- fure himfelf equally regardlefs of both. He was a fecond Democritus, who fported his opinions freely, juft as his phi- lofophy, or his fancy led the way : and as he inftilled no profligate principle, nor fo- licited any loofe defire, the worft that could poflibly be faid, of the very worft part of his writings, might be only, that they were as indecent, but as innocent, at the fame time, as the fprawling of an in- fant on the floor. And I (hall give you here his own fenti- ments about this matter, which I have taken, ex ore fuo 9 from one of the follow- ing pages 44 And I, who am myfelf a perfect philo " fopher of the French fchool, whofe mot- 44 to is, ride, fi fapis> do affirm, that writ- t4 ings which divert or exhilarate the mind, " though ever fo arch or free, provided * 4 they appear to have no other fcope, " ought nor to be reprehended with too *' methodiftical a feverity - while thofe, " indeed, cannot be too loudly anathema- " tized, which aim directly, or even with * 4 the moft remote obliquity,. again ft any 44 one principle of honour, morals, or re- I* lirrirn * " " < ugion . *w ^ Thefe notes were defigned by the au- thor, , to, frame a larger work from than the prefeint, tx> be publifhed after he fhpuld find himfelf -- -or the public- tjred of the fportive incoherence of his former vo- lumes. But his untimely and; unexpected death prevented him from digefting and completing this, fcfoemG, Thefe Iheets had been put into my hands, fome time before this unhappy e- vent, : ' * Seep. 30. [ vii ] vent, to correct or cancel, as I mould think proper ; and he left them with me, on his death-bed, to difpofe of after what man- ner I might choofe eitber to be kept among my mifcellaneous papers, for my own amufement, or publifhed to the world, or thrown into the fire. Hi** ex,>rc-ffion to me, upon that affecting occafion, was equally elegant and flattering. Et dixit moriens Te nunc habet ijla jecundum. I imagined that any tract of this author, cfpecially into which he transfufes fo much of his very foul, might afford fome enter- tainment to the public ; and I have, there- fore, committed thefe incorrect pieces, and unfinifhed (ketches, to the prefs, with- out attempting to make any manner of ad- dition, or alteration in them, except the leaving out of fome paflages, that were either unintelligible or too plain. And if there fhould yet appear to have remained fome other particulars, which the fcrupulous reader may think to have need- ed cd the further ufe of the file, I am very certain that he will meet with fufficient matter, in the reft of the work, to make the author's apology, and to ferve alfo as a j uftification of THE EDITOR, THE KORAN: o R, THE LIFE, CHARACTER, AND SENTIMENTS TRIA JUNCTA IN UNO, M. N. A. OR MASTER OF NO ARTS. PART THE FIRST. Vous y verrez du ferieux, Entre-niele de badinage ; Des traits un peu facetieux, Dont ia morale, au moins, eft fagc. Le philofophe de Sans-fouci. H T r A CT .*""* i A >i . O o ;H1IJ 3HT H33 QUA ' /; f OMU MI AIO^U 'I ^ O M 1O >[ a, *i o rv'M A ? U CONTENTS. IHAP. I. The Chance-medley. CHAP. II. The Critical Reviewers. CHAP. III. The Uncle. a /?1 CHAP. IV. On Murder. .HlVy, CHAP. V. The Minifterial Writer. CHAP. VI. Origin of Uncle Toby. CHAP. VII. Le Fevre. CHAP. VIII. ADigreffion, pa Wit/ ..i/ tH D CHAP. IX. Whether I myfelf have Wit ? L O CHAP. X. Of Wit, in Morak. CHAP. XI. Triglyph and Triftram compared. CHAP. XII. The Abigail. CHAP. XIII. On Literal Modefty,/ x CHAP. XIV. On Liberal Modefty. -.4/ H O CHAP. XV. The Cardinal Virtues. CHAP. XVI. A Letter. CHAP. XVII. The Lapfus Linguae. CHAP. XVIII. To the Reader. CHAP. XIX. Another Man's Wife. CHAP. XX. Epigram. CHAP. XXI. The Gofpel for the Day. CHAP. XXII. Toleration or Perfecution. a 2 CHAP. XXIIL CONTENTS. XXIII. My Religion. CHAP. XXIV. The Convert. CHAP. XXV. Chetrfulnefs. CHAP. XXVI. A fad Reflexion! CHAP. XXVII. Melancholy. CHAP. XXVIII. Senfibilityi CHAP. XXIX. A Refleaion on myfelf. CHAP. XXX. The Mad Lover. CHAP. XXXI. Doaor Swift. CHAP. XXXII. The Payment. CHAP. XXXIII. Nurfing. CHAP. XXXIV. An Hitch in Preferment. CHAP. XXXV. Prudes. CHAP. XXXVI. The Breeches- Maker. CHAP. XXXVII. The Man-Midwife. : CHAP. XXXVIII. Origin of Triftram Shand/. CHAP. XXXIX. The Female Confucius. CHAP. XL. The Primmer. CHAP. XLI. The Natural Exhibition. CHAP. XLII. The Day of Judgment. CHAP. XLIH. Myfelf. CHAP. XLIV. A fhort Chapter. CHAP. XLV. A fhorter. POSTSCRIPT. To the Printer. PRIVATE LETTER FROM THE AUTHOR TO THE EDITOR TO ONE IN A MILLION. My very good Friend, I AM juft returned from 'hunting o'er the bill) , and far away ; and as my manner has ever been, whether riding, walking, flcateing, fwim- ming, or boating and I dare venture to hold a wager, that it would be the fame if I was fly- ing to revolve thofe fubje&s in my mind, which I purpofe, at any time of my life, to dif- cufs in writing, your requeft to me lately has oc- cupied my whole thoughts all this morning. Experieris non Dianam magis in montibus, quam Minervam inerrare t as Pliny fays. In fuch a memoiring and memorable age as this, why not write my own Memoirs ? vexatus toties. I have gone through a multitude of novels, with- in thefe few years paft, and have attended, with B moft -H" >.. ' :i \ ' moft exemplary patience and perfeverance, chap- ter after chapter, in hope that the next anecdote might poflibly make me fome amends for the dulnefs of the former. In vain ! Modern nove- lifts feem to be deficient, even in indention. We. forgive them their total want of language, flile, moral, character, or fentiment. My feries of life has happily faved me the ta- tire labour of conception. For the mere literal narrative of my adventures, from the moment I was uncafed from my firft envelope, till the in- ftant I mall efcape from this fecond caul for the context and complexion of my part life will probably form the weft and hue of my future would amufe and intereft my readers, though recited in the fimplicity of my nurfe, the flupidity of my pedagogues, or the tedioufnefs of modern rnemoirifts; who may be faid, according to Ariflotle's figure, ftiled Paronomajia, to write more pour Faim, than Fame. For I take Ne- cefllty to be a mufe that's fairly worth the nine, and literary Fame to be lineally derived from Fames. Largitor ingenii venter, Pray don't be alarmed at the word Koran, which I have chofen to make the title of thefe papers. I am not turned Muflulman ; but I hate appropriated names, becaufe they reftrain the lan- guage [ 3 1 guage too much, and are apt to lead to fuperfti- tion. And I fee no reafon why my vifions and vagaries have not as good a right to be called Al Koran, or The Koran, as the inventions and im- pofitions of Mahomet ; which were filled fo, merely as being a colleflion of chapters for fo the word in Arabic fignifies. But to proceed B 2 THE o? THE KORAN. CHAP. I. "" I "i * ' ' / THE CHANCE-MEDLEY. AS I am, at length and long-run, fafeiy deli- vered into the world,, and fairly entered in- to life I thick it high time now to give ypu fome account of myfgiC.j .< Co often proroifed, and fo long delayed which I fhall do, in as few word* as the nature of the fubjet, and the writer of it, will permit. Hff t vir ) bic efl t fibi quetn pror ftitti fcepius audit. I was really born no doubt on't : forif I had not, I (hould never have pretended to fay? fo But firft let me account formyfelf, in the character I at prefent ftand before you, as an author which I never intended nor indeed was ever intended ~to.be..- I happened to be- come one by mere chance. B, 3 Cbance, : . - c 6 ] .trr Chance has ever been my fate. My father ne- ver defigned me any manner of education. He was a brave foldier, and defpifed it. What a power of courage he muft have had ! So I learn- ed to read and write, by chance. I micbed once to fchool, and picked up a little literature, by chance. I never meant to marry, and yet it was my luck to get a wife. I never had any patron, but was provided for by fortune. I ia3M-aowA-H3 HHT- Chance, Luck, and Fortune then have been my Clotbo, Atropos, and Lachefts and fo I have affomed the cognomen of Trta junfJa in uno which is another chance alfo ; as I never once thought of fuch a derivation, before this very in- ftant. But how an author by chance, prithee ? I'll tell you, if you'll have but a little patience. v.:b on CHAP [' 7 1 CHAP. II. THE CRITICAL REVIEWERS. method of dividing a fubjet into A chapters, is an admirable expedient for your pennyworth wits, and your two-penny rea- ders. It ferves as refling paufes to both, Divifumftc brew fat opus* The Bible itfelf might^ perhaps, to fome appear tedious, if it was not for the comfortable rehef of chapters. v^v * Beftdes, the intervals, or white lines, as the printers ftile them, help to fwell the volume like a bladder ; or may be compared to an article of potted faw-duji in a bill off are t which helps to cover a table, though it adds nothing to the feaji. Here now I expeb that my old acquaintance the MW- critical Reviewers will be apt to remark upon this paflage, that thefe fpaces are the mod valuable parts of my books, as a blank is better than a blot at any time, with other infipidities of the fame fort. B 4 But [ 8 ] But let them prate ; for I have long fince brought myfelf to be very well able to bear with them, by becoming regardlefs equally of their ap- plaufe or cenfure. True critics, like hawks, hunt for pleafure : but the Reviewers, like vul- tures, only for prey. And for this reafon, I don't think that one fhould be too fevere againft the poor devils nei- iher. They ought rather to become the object of our pity than refentment, who, like bang men, ire obliged to execute for bread. And it fhould therefore be a confiderable advantage to a work, to have received their cenfure for an author may fet what price he pleafes on a book that has ben condemned to be burnt by the hands of the tommon hangman. CHAP. [ 9 1 CHAP. Ill, THE UNCLE. I THINK I promifed, in my firft chapter, to. , give you ray atfbority in literature. Thus it . , I happened to have an uncle once, vvJio was a minifter of the gpfpel, but his. only ftudy was po- Htics. He had a laudable ambition to rife in life. Relligion is undoubtedly a neceflary qualification for that purpofe in the next world but is not fufficient to help us forward in this. He took care, therefore, juft to get the thirty? nine articles by heart, to enable him to ftand an examination of faith on the day of judgment not attending to the good old faying, Live and. learn, die and forget all: but his maxims were, not to go, while you ftay< - to live ittbilft you live-, for at the hour of death, fufficient to that- day will be the evil thereof. In profecution then of his fcheme of life, he wrote and publifhed feveral party papers, during the reign of Sir Robert Walpole, in favour of B 5 his his miniftry but Mammon left him in the lurch. They produced no effect toward his advancement. They were poorly writ- ten. Parfons generally write ill, even upon their own fubje<5ts. He might better have employed himfelf, in faying his prayers Tor, in this fervice, what- ever is well meant, is well received, though ever fo ill performed: but in the other cafe, whatever is well executed only, is well accepted of, how- ever /// intended. This mortified our divine. ' ^'* Juft at this crifis I happened to return into the country; after having quitted college, and brought home fome little character from the univerfity, for parts and learning. 'i*.v.'*V3/?r!3s -3J floi vol^iVi.' 'nrt /} -< 5 3*? But I am hurrying the reader on too faft. My flock is fmall, and needs ceconomy. So I think that I have now wrote enough for this chapter and, in the ftile of a fermon, I mall leave you to confider of what has been faid, and defer the remainder to another opportunity. ^ ^ CHAP. CHAP. IV. ON MURDER. FO R my awn-part, I have not the leaft no- tion how any man or woman either can bring themfelves to commit murder -ex- cept indeed it happened to be on the body of a brother, a friend, a miftrefs, or fome other fuch> fond and dear connections as thefe. Human nature revolts at the very idea ; info-* much that I know not what temptation can induce, any perfon to be guilty of fuch a crime for temptation comes from nature , whofe ftrongeft propenfity is the very reverfe of it. This vice then muft certainly arife from provocation only becaufe provocation proceeds from the devil, Thus, reader, you may perceive . that is, fuppofing you to have been attentive to what I am faying all' this while, that I have here made a nice diltin&ion of it, between the flrjb and the devil. - Pray now, pleafe you to obferve the confequence. The [ I* ] The provocation then muft be of the higheft kind. This cannot arife from any indifferent perfon. They can never provoke us fufficiently A man or woman e'ther deferves to be hanged for killing fuch as thefe. No A bro- ther, a friend, a child, a wife, or a miftrefs, muft therefore become the proper objects of our moft deadly refentment. Ergo The application of this argument in fome other chapter. CHAP. C 13 1 CHAP. V. THE MINISTERIAL WRITER. MY uncle then employed me to write a pamphlet, in defence of the miniftry not of the gofpel. I obeyed his commands, and put the manufcript into his hands ; which he car- ried forthwith in his own name to Sir Robert. He approved of it ; 'twas fent to the prefs, and procured the parfon preferment but prevented his own for it kept the knight out of the Houfe of Lords for the remainder of that fepttn- nial. The method I ufed in that pamphlet was this 1 collected together every thing that had been ever objected againft the minifter, from his firft entering into office till that time, and ipfe dixited every article of it, point blanc,\n the negative f^om my own certain knowledge, and other Jufficient authority Affirmed myfelf to be no courtier, nor even acquainted with one 5 but to be a mere country gentleman, of an indepen- dent fortune, who had never before troubled his head about party difputes, vulgarly ftiled politics but, [ H ] but, (hocked at the licentioufnefs of the times t had entered a volunteer in the fervice of my king, my country, and the fupport of minifterial virtue and integrity. I affirmed, that the high price of provifions, fo loudly complained of, arofe from the riches and affluence flowing daily into the kingdom, under the aufpices of our minifter- and that the ac- cumulation of taxes, like the rifing of rents, was the fureft token of a nation's thriving that the dearnefs of markets, with thefe new imports of government, neceflarily doubted induftry and that an increafe of this natural kind of manu- faflure, was adding to the capital ftoek of the .commonwealth. I lamented the fatal effects to be apprehended from ail thefe heats, animofities, and revilings, which I faid / bad good reafon to affirm were but a method of a&ing and inftilling treafon, under eover for that whenever the minijler wai abufed, the king was attacked. , So profligate parfons, whenever they fall into deteftation or contempt, inveigh again/I the im- piety of the times, and charge the fcandal and re- proach they have themfelves induced upon their function, to the atheifm of the laity. This [ .15 ] This book of mine has been the codex t or ars politica, of all the minifterUl fycophants ever fince that sera for I have fcarcely met with a paragraph in any of the ftate-hireling wri- ters, for many years pad, that I could not trace fairly back to my own code. L'o: 1 "j CHAP. [ 16 ] CHAP. VI. ORIGIN OF UNCLE TOBY. TH E income of my uncle's new benefice was confiderable ; and I thought that I had fome claim to part of the emoluments of it. I was amufed with hope for feveral years j during which time he contrived to get fome other ufe- ful jobs out of me But my good uncle was a courlier, as I told you before' He promifed^and performed, like one. i This difappointment, this ingratitude, provoked my refentment to the higheft degree. Here read the penultima chapter over again, and Til wait for you. However, this incident happened afterwards to turn out a good deal to my own advantage. If I can help others to live by my wits, faid I to myfelf, one day that I happened to be in a rea- foning [ "7 1 foning mood, what a fool muft I be, not to en- deavour to manufa&ure them a little toward my own profit ? I had been juft then priefted 1 wrote a fermon, preached and publiftied it : But I hate to tell a ftpry twice, as much as others do to hear one. I then formed the defign of writing my own memoirs Why not ? Every French enfign does the fame. If we are not of fufficient confe- quence to the world, vre certainly are fo to our* felves. We feel our own felf-importance and how natural is it to exprefs one's feeling; ! In order to embellim this work, I drew a {ketch of rny uncle's character. It was bitter e- nough, to fay the truth of it for truth it was But happening to (hew this trait to fome of my friends, they reprehended me for it. Par- fons, faid they, God knows, have enemies enough already they need not flander one another. No man brooks chiding better nor can I long harbour refentment. I have no inimicality in my nature my blood is milk, and curdles at another's woe I had forgiven the man long be- fore ; and it was more out of humour, than ma- lice, lice, that I had been tempted, not provoked, to in- troduce him on the fcene. I immediately changed my purpofe. But as this defalcation had left an hiatus deflendiu in my piece for they are all but pieces' I fupplied the chafm of this dramatis perfonae, by an imaginary Uncle Toby t already fufficiemly known to the world. Many years before this latter aera, I happened to fall into matrimony Sed cbarta Jilent The modeft reader, and I defire no other, will furely fuffer me to draw the curtain here. And fo fi= nifhes the fixth chapter. CHAP. CHAP. VII. L E F E V R E. AN D now it is full time to commence a new one. But I am again precipitating matters and things too haftily rl was always giddy The reader muft have time allowed him for digeftion Let us take up my ftory a little higher. ,>QO I ->:!l >.! ,':" ''> " H S--' "-' J . My father was an Englifhman, and had a com- mand in the army He was flattened in Ire- land at the time of my birth, which happened I forget what year in the city of Clonme). 1 remained in that kingdom till I was about twelve years old and there I received the firft rudiments of literature, from the kindnefs and humanity of a lieutenant, who was in the fame corps with my father His name was Le Fevre. But indeed I owe infinitely more to him than my Latin grammar. It was he that taught me the Grammar of Virtue It was this moft ex- cellent perfon who firft inftilled into my mind the principles not of a Parfan but of a Divine [ 20 ] a Divine It was he who imbued my foul with humanity, benevolence, and charity It was he who infpired me with that vibration for the diftrefles of mankind, " Which, like the needle true, " Turns at the touch of others woe, <* And turning trembles too *". It was he who inftru&ed me that tem- perance is the beft fource of chanty. 'Tis in this fenfe only that it mould ever be faid to begin at bomt Readers, throw your gouts, your cholics, your fcurvies, to the poor. It was he who furnifhed me with this ad- mirable hint to charity that the more a per- fon wants, the lefs will do him good. It was he who foftened my nature to that tender fenfi- bility, and fond fympathy, which have created the principal pains and pleafures of my life; and which will, I truft in God, infure the latter, in the next, without its alloy. w Arrien ! This good man has been long dead ; and in grateful honour of his memory, I have mention- ed his name in another place 'Twas all I could * Mrs. Greville's Ode. [ 21 ) could ! ' I would have plucked a nettle from bis grave, had I feen one ever grow there For furely there was nothing, either in the humours of his body, or the temperament of his mind, that fuch a noli me tangere weed could be nourifti- cd by, or emblematic of- "c. ,| !..-, .-.;. CHAP. [ 22 ] v . ... i ! i r.. . _ ..... y.'.y.'* V U'-'A J. ..i~.^'\ i i 1 ;- - . > *~ bib >j .CHAP. VIIL A DIGRESSION ON WIT. WHAT is wit? 'Tis not a manu- facture It is not to be wrought out of the mind, by dint of ftudy and labour, as fenfe, reafon, and fcience are Ideas, with the very words fitted to them, ready cut and dry, come bounce all complete together into the brain, without the lead manner of refle&ion. Even I have fometimes faid things without de- fign, unconfcipus of any kind of wit in them my- felf, till the found of the words has alarmed my own ears, or made others to prick up theirs. If wit had been hanging matter and fo it might, for any great harm it would do I mould then have incurred the penalty of a fort of chance- medley treafon. It would have required time and thought to have exprefled myfelf worfe or according to law upon fuch occafions. What is the reafon, that between two perfons, of equal fenfe and learning, an imagery mall generally ftnke the one, and never the other ? That upon viewing a green field, flocked with new - , [ 23 3 new (horn fheep, one man (hall fee nothing there, but grafs and mutton, and that another (hall refemble it to a tanfey, fluck with almonds? That one perfon (hall plainly fay, of a fine day in winter, that the fun (hines, but does not warm while another (hall, at the fame inftant, compare it to a jewel, at once both bright and cold? &c. Thus you fee that wit is only a double- entendre. What pity 'tis, ladies, that double- entendres are not always wit alfo Nay, the prudifh Cowley has, unluckily for us, made them one of the negative definitions of it : " Much lefs can that have any place, " At which a virgin hides her face " Such drofs the fire muft purge away. 'Tis juft '** The writer blufh, where'er the reader muft." .v as tittii iw ' CHAP. CHAP. IX. WHETHER I MYSELF HAVE WIT. THIS point has been queftioned by fome - One Biographer, Triglypb, calls me an anomalous, beteroclite writer words, by the bye, that fignify the fame thing fays, that / have more fauce than pig *, &c. They allow me oddnefs, originality, and humour but deny me wit. If by this exprefllon they mean epigrammatic point, perhaps I may have but little of it. But let wit be fauce , according to good Mafter Tri- glyph. Muft fauces always be poignant? Is not that efteemed the beft cookery, where the in- gredients are fo equally blended, that no one par- ticular flavour predominates upon the palate ? Decayed appetites only require the fliarper fea- fonings. They grant me humour, originality, and de- fcription. What then is wit, if thefe articles do not comprehend it? And if it is any thing elfe, * The Triumvirate, the preface. [ 25 ] elfe, how little neceflary muft it be, where thefe already are ? The ancients ftiled wit ingenium > capacity, invention, powers. Martial was the firft per- fon who reduced it to a point and too many of the writings, fince that aera of ihefaux brilliants, have been fo very eager, that they have almoft fet one's teeth on edge. So far am I eafy on this fcore, whether they allow me wit, or no. VOL. t C CHAP. CHAP. X. OF WIT, IN MORALS. I Formerly ufed to prefer Pliny's Epiftles, and Seneca's Morals, before Cicero's writings of both kinds becaufe of the points of wit, and quaint turns, in the former. 1 remem- ber when I thought Horace and Catullus flat and infipid but then it was when I admired Martial and Cowley. Plain meats, fimply drefled, are certainly more wholefome food, than higher cooked re- pafts. But one who has indulged, or rather depraved, his appetite, with the latter viands, cannot, without difficulty, recover his natural relifli for the former. We are juft in the fame circumftances in literature. The fport of fancy, and a play of words, may have, perhaps, this effect, to fix the fentiment more ftrongly in the mind but I feldom found that they carried their ufes further Play round tbe bead, but enter not the heart. Strong [ 27 ] Strong phrafes, and opposition of terms, .may ftore the common place of memory with apt fenti- ments, which may help a perfon to Jbine, in writing, or converfation : but this wants the true fplendor of learning, the temper ato ufu- % while found fenfe and reafon, more plainly ex-, prefled, operates upon us in the nature of an al- terative medicine flow, but fure. And though by degrees we bound, with vigour not our own ; yet not being able dire&ly to impute our ftrength to any foreign afllftance, we are apt tocherifh that fenfe and virtue, which we by this means acquire, as we de the heirs of our own loins while thofe acquifitions we make, by the help of remembred wit only, are received into the heart as coldly as an adoption. I find myfelf moralizing here, fomewhat in the very flile I have been reprehending but I have not reflrained my pen for when we con- demn a fault to carry on the vein we fhould endeavour to make an example of it. And it may be applied to me, what was faid of Jeremy, in Love for Love, " that he was de- " claiming againft wit, with all the wit he could " mufter." C 2 But [ 28 ] But witty I am henceforth refohed to be for the reft of my life. Lord, Sir, refolufionis a powerful thing ; it has rendered many a coward brave, and a few women chafte. -Let us try MOW whether this fame miraculous faculty cannot make one parfon witty for a wonder. >c CHAP. G H A P. XI. TRIGLYPH AND TRISTRAM COMPARED. U T the author of the Triumvirate is ftill more fevere on me, on account of fome free paflages in my works. Call them not my works, but my [ports only- and pleafe to let Matter Triglyph know, that I was not writing treatifes on morals, or lectures on religion, at that time I wrote intirely for the benefit of my health, and that of my readers alfo. Bacon, in his bijloria vit particularly in obftetricks for the health or fafety of the charted maid or matron ? Some other philofopher recommends ba nugte too for the reliefof the mind C 3 Lufut- [ 30 ] Lufui an/mo debent aliquando dari t Ad cogitandum melior ut redeat fibi. And I, who am myfelf a perfeft philofopher of the French fchool, whofe motto is, ride, Ji fapity do affirm, that writings which divert or exhilarate the mind, though ever fo arch or free, provided they appear to have no other fcope, ought not to be reprehended with too metbodifti- Off/a feverity while thofe indeed cannot be too loudly anathematized, which aim directly, or even with the moft remote obliquity, againfl any one principle of honour, morals, or religion. But prithee, ladies, is not Triglyph full as arch and free as Triftram ? I fhall not take the pains to collate the feveral pafTages together nor, like friend Kidgel, reveal, while I expofe. But is not his LXXXVIIIth chapter un chef d'aeuvrf in this way ? , He, therein mentions the accidental view of a fine woman, (lark naked Indeed he neither defcribes her perfon, her limbs, her complexion, nor makes ufe of any one loofe idea, or indecent expreflion Better he had< for then the offence would have ended there But how is the reader's imagination inflamed, and his paf- fions emoved, by fympathy, with thofe effe&s which [ 3' 1 which the fpe&ator tells you this objecVhad upon his own fenfes and fenfations? To be able thus to raife afmile, without a Wujb, and to provoke defire, without offending decency, is an art, good Mafter Triglyph, that is capable of uncalendering a faint. Sedley has that prevailing gentle art, &c. laL'.-.rt c J;; ij-v ; y', -..-. But I do not deny the man his merits, as he has alfo had the candor not to refufe me mine for, though we are both great rivals, it is in a fentiment that ought to make us the greater friends. We feem equally to wifli, and moft fervently pray, for " Glory to God in the high- *' eft, and on earth peace, good will towards " men." Amen! But to proceed (^ 4 CHAP. BWrtt?fH?c L-JV/ ^Vi.'U, 'iii 5 d I'- ll vtsi ^i4-e : ilj ia; ! -rA H bfi'^ji-w v ku-' [ 32 ] CHAP. XII. THE ABIGAIL. WHEN I was about twelve years old, as I told you before, my father and mo- ther returned into England, and brought me over with them : I was then placed at a regular fchool at my own mod earned inftance, threa- tening, if refufed, to inlift myfelf among the ftroliing gypfies, to purchafe any knowledge, at any rate From whence I was, in due time, transferred to the univerfity. I need not trouble you here with a particular account of my education the benefits of it are fufficiently apparent in my writings Let your works, not your words, provf you, fays fome- body if not, I fay fo myfelf. So that my life is all that the reader has any right to call upon me for here. In that large field then I was firft entered by my mother's maid. This was nojlip of mine the back-fliding was all her own Alas ! what wit had I? And for this faux pas it is needlels to make any manner of apology Men mud [ 33 ] muft be initiated in the myfteries of iniquity, in order the more fafely to purfue the paths of vir- tue And if you will not take my word for it, be- caufe I am a chriftian, liften to what Terence, who was a notorious heathen, fays upon this Idveroeft, quod ego mi hi puto palmarium, ", Me reperifle quomodo adolefcentulus Meretricum ingenia, et mores, poflet nofcere, Mature ut cum cognerit, perpetuo oderit. EUN. " i -T ' ^ < -"^ I happened to marry, fometime after, and communicated my experience to my wife Jbe nothing loath, Sec. It would, I think, be highly improper in me to add one fentence more to fucha chapter as this. 5 CHAP. [ 34 1 CHAP. XIII. ON LITERAL MODESTY. AS the world feems not to be charitably enough inclined to give me credit for the merit of the above title, it forces me here to break through the very rules of it, in order to point out thofe inftances where I happen to afford any rare fpecimen of my bien-feance. The clofe of my laft chapter is a remarkable example of this kind. With what a becom- ing decency did I drop the curtain, in that fcene According to the rule of Horace, '''LL^ ; No n tamen intus Digna geri, promes in fc en am. And yet I have read Meurfius, Aufonius, and Martinus Scriblerus, I aflure you which I think I may confefs, the more freely, as you may perceive that I am not a bit the worfe for fuch dangerous precedents. A word by the bye. Precedents are the bane and difgraceof legislature. They are not wanted, [ 35 ] wanted, to juftify right meafures, and are abfo- lutely infufficient, to excufe wrong ones. They can only be ufeful to heralds, dancing- mafters, and gentlemen ufhers -becaufe, in thefe departments, neither reafon, virtue, nor ihejalus populi, or fuprema lex y can have any operation. Another inftance of my reticence is, that though I brought Terence upon the carpet, I did not quote that paflage from him, where he has the impudence to lay, Non eft flagitium, crede mihi, adolefcentulum Scortariy neque potare. ADELPH. Which, though, in reality, not fpoken in the mere idiflionary fenfe of the words, might have, however, been made a finifter ufe of, had I had any of that profligate turn of mind, that has, fometimes, been fo unfairly imputed to me. I love a joke ; I don't deny it and whether 'lisa black or a white one, I own that I do not al- ways wait to examine. But what does this fig- nify ? Abler perfons than I often take things in the lump and provided we are but pleafed, methinks it is being rather more nice than wife to confider through what medium. But then I think [ 36 ] I think it no joke, to debauch or corrupt ano- ther^ perfon's mind or principles. Charge this upon me who can. CHAP. [ 37 ] CHAP. XIV. ON LIBERAL MODESTY. D O you comprehend the diftin&ion of this title ? for I am no definitiontr. vx. a,y&Qn> is an expreffion of Hefiod's, Horace calls it pudor malus, and the French fay mauvaife bonte. By all which terms, is meant that kind of baftifulnefs which is obferved in young perfons of the beft parts and merit, on their firft entrance into life, or mixing with the world ; and which many people are never after able to fluke off. This fort of modefty is faid to be highly com- mendable, and a token of hopeful prefage in youth. For my part, I cannot fee why. Is it not an advantage to be in poiYdlion of all one's faculties ? Can a bafhful perfon be fo ? While a little aflurance, like the Tinfiure of Sage t gives a man tb* perfefl pojffejjion ofbimfelf *. Can a man, who has a diffidence of his pow- ers, either write, fpeak, love, or fight, as well as * See Dr. Hill's advertifement. . [ 38 ] as he who repofes a confidence in them? When we would caft a ^efletion on the character of a foldier, need we ufe feverer terms than to fay, be is bajhful he is apt to be embarrafled on the day of battle? &c. But were we to investigate this fame imputed merit, in the fchool of philofophy, we mould probably find that it has its foundation, not fo much in the modejly of others, as in the vanity ofourfelves. We naturally accept this awe be- fore us, as a deference to our own fuperibr confe- quence, and fo are fiift flatter ed y before we " >"' prai/e. ;# jjnizirf.-o ( tf!i( otni wnnr.r, : .-..; i a i > As I am not much given to adulation myfelf, I never remember to have paid afneaking compli- ment of this fort to any one in my life. I have ever fat, walked, or converfed, at perfed eafe, among perfohs of the higheft ranker gehius and mould be as much ajbamed of keeping a re- ferve over whatever little wit or parts I am pof- fefTed of, before people of fuperior talents, as I fhould be of (linking into zJJut's corner of the room, becaufe there happened to be a taller or an handfomer man in company. CHAP. r> [ 39 3 CHAP. XV. THE CARDINAL VIRTUES. WELL, reader whether you be male or female methinks I have proved myfelf man enough for you now ; and what would you have more ? You can have no right to expeft any extraordinary adventures, or critical fuuations, in the life of a fickly, home-bred, married, country parfon. I have, indeed, had fome fay many- connections, with certain anecdotes, or private memoirs, relative to others, that would moft highly entertain you ; and I think I was never in a better humour for telling a ftory in my life, than I happen to be at this very inftant. But my beart fails me. Laugh at me as much as you pleafe, and welcome but I mail never make you merry at the expense of my friends* With regard to myfelf, I have been ever a thinking and who would think it? rather than an ative being. My mind indeed has been an Errant-Knight, but my body only a fimple Squire and it has been fo harrafled, and chi- valried, [ 40 J Talried, with the wanderings and the wind-mills of its mafter, that it has long wifhed to quit the fervice frequently crying out, with Sancho, " a blefling on his heart who firft invented " fleep." However, notwithstanding the natural indo- lence of this fame body of me, I hare contrived to fulfil, completely, all the chara&eriftics of man Which fome philofopher fpecifies to be thefe four To build an houfe To raife a tree To write a book And To get a child. Thefe four cardinal virtues then, have I, al- ready, moft religioufly performed fo as to be able, according to the moral of the ftory of Protogenes and Apelles, told by Prior, In lifers vijit to leave my name. Thefe are, all of them, believe me, verb, facer. very pleafant operations: infomuch that I am really furprized men do not perform every one of them oftener than they do. They are all of them, moreover^ works the moft exprefly imitative [ 4' ] imitative of creation. 'Tis to bring order out of chaos, to elicit light from darknefs, and to or- nament and people the face of the earth. Go to go to -ye idle vagabonds of the world Build houfes Rear trees Write books And Get children. Endeavour to leave fome relative idea of your- felves behind ye fo that if posterity mould not happen to be forty for your death j, let them have fome reafon at leaft to be forry that ye bad net lived. CHAP. 1 [ 42 ] CHAP. XVI. A LETTER. M A D A M^ C A N eafily perceive how much you were difappointed upon the clofe of my laSt chap- ter. You had reafon, I confefs, to have ex- pected fomething more arch from me upon that fubjecJi, than I have there treated you withal. ^uid tibi vit t mulier ? But I never pimp for others and I happened not to be in a humour for a joke of any colour my- felf in that feftion. I have laboured under a fevere fit of cholic and aflhma for fome time paft. This is a great reformer of manners. Nay, fo far have I carried my literal modefy in that chapter, that where I fpeak of the four chara&eriftics of mankind, I comprehend them all under the philofophical term of Creation without distinguishing the latter article, as I migrvt very fairly have done, by the mechanical technic of Pro-creation. No in that paSTage you [ 43 ] you fee I have kept quite clear both of Pro and Con. And again where I come to mention this laft manoeuvre, I only make ufe of the general word get inftead of introducing the ob- ftetrical one of beget ; which, may it pleafe your ladymip, would have pointed, you know, more dire&ly ad rent. I am, madam, &c. T. J. V. To the Countefs of *****. C H A P. . [ 44 ] CHAP. XVII. THE LAPSUS LINGUA. BUT in general I am not quite fo guarded I mean with refpe& to my exprefiions only: For words fometimes efcape me, without corefponding ideas. . I happen unfor- tunately to be infeted with a certain peculiar phrafeology, which, in the hurry, of fpeech, I can rarely command- and this makes me often appear to mean what may be very far from my thoughts at the time. I have fometimes fcolded my fervants, and rated my wife and children, with all imaginable ferioufnefs and when I have been fhocked at their appearing to tremble too much, under the terrors of my wrath, think what a mortification it mud have been to a man in a pajfion - to perceive that their fides were only making with laughter, at fome odd image, or ridiculous ex- pretfion, I had ftruck out, at a beat, unawares. The fame cannon ball that-took off mareffhal Turenne's head, carried away one of general St. Hilaire's arms. His fon {landing by, burfl into [ 45 1 into a paflion of grief at his father's misfortune ; who reproved him, faying, Weep not, my child, for me but for him. The generous concern, and noblenefs of fenti- ment, with which that brave man muft have been affe&ed at that inftanf, were fo powerful over my nerves, that it made my heart move with- in me, like the found of a trumpet *. I happened to repeat this (lory once in com- pany, and it had its effe&"-- till concluding it, with thefe words pointing to the namelefe corfe f, with the only hand be bad left they all fell a laughing. I thought them brutes -but quickly recollecting myfelf, felt afliamed. Explaining the myftery of the redemption once to a young templar, I happened to make an allufion, adapted to his own fcience, of the levying a fine, and fuffering a recovery ; this fimile was repeated afterwards to my difadvantage; and I was deemed an infidel thenceforward. And * So Sir Philip Sidney fays of himfelf, whenever he heard the ballad of Percy and Douglas. f Sine nomine corpus. VIRC. [ 46 1 And why? merely becaufe I am a merry par- fon, I fuppofe for St. Patrick, the Trim patron, btcaufe he was a grave one, was canonized for illuftrating the Trinity by the comparifon of a Shamrock *. * The Trefoil, orTrois-feu'iile. uJ.I: i ,dn, ;.,, ojffife.-j cf/v J CHAP. ,viW.-.A Vu, -fM/Ua L-lkdsrh {uslerf [ 47 ] CHAP. XVIII. TO THE READER. YOU complain that is, I hope you do- of the fliortnefs of my chapters but if you would have them longer, you muft take up with them duller. There are but few fubjets that can afford variety enough to entertain you through many pages. Therefore, in fteps the good old faying, with great propriety, here, that /wo heads are better than one and my arguments, like thofe of Hydra, grow out of each other: as faft as I dif- patch one, another fprings up in its place. But never fear, my good readers, for I mail make this work as long as I can, though notyc te- dious as I might. I ufe no attorney arts to protract a fuit ; and wiih that the Frederic-code was to ob- tain in literature, as well as in law. You mall certainly meet with fubjeft matter fufficient for your money, in thefe volumes but you will find them all under the head, or chapter, ofjhort caufes. Few [ 48 ] Few words among friends are bejl t they fay fewer ftill between enemies, I fay. And you muft be one or t'other of thefe, believe me for I defy your indifference. CHAK [ 49 1 CHAP. XIX. ANOTHER MAN'S WIFE. AB O U T a year before I was married, I re- ceived the following moft extraordinary and interefting letter See Chapter XV. paragraph 2. Bui, as I was faying, what bufmefs, now-a- days, fmce the Reformation has expunged the good old practice of confefltng out of our Ritual, can a parfon have with another man's wife ? To fay that fhe called upon me in her difficulties, and that I relieved her from want, and fuccoured VOL. I. D her [ 50 1 her in diftrefs and that thefe very confiderati- ons would have put it abfolutely out of my power to have attempted her, had I been ever fo much a libertine availed me not. The reply was flill tbatjbe was another man's wife. So that it feems all wives are to be treated like the queens of Spain who, if they happen to tumble into a ditch, mud be fuffered to lie, kick- ing and fprawling there, for life, till their royal confort mall be at leisure, or fo difpofed, logo and take them out of it. It is death for any fubjefc to lay his prophane finger on her majefly. And as the crown-lawyers have not yet been able to determine in what point of her moft facred perfon her divinity re- fides, hands off from every part of her body, has been always deemed the fafeft meafure. One of thefe mrferables of Jlate happened once to be thrown from her palfrey, on the pavement of the Efcurial. Her royal foot ftuck in the ftir- rup, and fhe was dragged round the area for a confiderable time, her faithful equerry running all the while by her fide, his head turned a- verfe, his arm ftretched out, and holding his hat between his thumb, index, and middle finger as dancing-mafteM teach you on a falute over her majejly till king Don was fummoned from council, to jeftore this fame majefly to decency again. She might have loft her life by the mi- nifterial magna charta of precedent. This adventure of mine was the firft thing that ever involved me in debt. I was obliged to borrow two hundred pounds, beyond my own currency, upon this occafion. I had no fuffi- cient fecurity to proffer. But captain Le Fevre happened luckily, juft then, to have fold out of the army / mortgaged the Jlory to him, and he lent me the money. He was not a man to accept of intereft, fo I made him a prefent. He loved reading much. A collection of ingenious and entertaining pa- pers, ftiled Tbe World, happened to be juft then collected together, and publimed, in four vo- lumes. I fent them .to him, with the following lines inferibed. They were the firft rhimes I had ever attempted to tag in my life. To Captain Lewis Le Fevre. For one who rajbly lent me cam, 'tis fit That I mould make a venture too in wit. D2 In [ S* ] In vain I through my pericranium fought; But having heard, that wit is befl that's bought, J fent to Dodfley's, for tbefe prefents few, To let all men know I am bound to you. Great Sawney wept, that one worA/was no {lore How happier you, who now may laugh at/owr. CHAP. [ 53 1 CHAP. XX. EPIGRAM. AFTER this chearful manner have I hi- therto parted through life, difappointments, and bad health but not without fuffering many fevere ftri&ures on my diflipation and un- formality. The lightnefs of my manners has been reprehended often, though it arifes really from the weight of my philofophy. What is there in life that's worth a ferious thought ? And for the fame reafon, from having conceived a better opinion of Providence, than is generally reputed orthodox, I have been fometimes deemed an infidel. Upon the prefent theological computation, ten fouls muft be loft for one that's faved. At which rate of reckoning heaven can raife but its cohorts *, while hell commands it legions f- From .which fad account it would appear, that though our Saviour had conquered death, D 3 by ,i".\ ~ )1 S' '_>X'<' ,'? :. t; i v ;*.. * A body of only 500 men. *^ fl f A corps of 5000. t 54 ] by the rejurreflion, he had not yet been able to overcome Jin, by the redemption. This furely muft be moft damnable arithmetic. No no I think, that if we fairly give him all tyrants, ufurers, murderers, both of life and fame, your hypocrites, perjured lovers, and every premier upon record, except Sully, Walfingham, and Strafford, who Jtgned bis own death-warrant, to fane bis king and country, we do as much for; the devil as he, in all confcience, or your reve- rences for him, can injujiict require*' 1 happened to dine once with a friend of mine. Wine was wanting. He fent me to the cellar. It had been hewed out of a folid rock. At my return into the room, I wrote the fol- lowing extempore card to my hoft, and threw it acrofs the table : When Mofes flruck the rock with rod divine, Cold water flow'd your's yields us gen'rous wine So Hie quibus invifi fratres, dnm vita mane-bat Pulfatufve parens, et fraus innexa client! ; Aut qui divitiis foli incubuere repertis, Nee parm pofuere fuis; quae maxima turbaeft: Quique ob adulterium csefi, quique arrna fecuti Impia, nee veriti dominorum fallere dextras. Inclufi pcenam expectant. " [ 55 3 So at the marriage-feaft, the fcriptures tell us, That water turn'd to wine rejoic'd good fellows. Some years after this very harmlefs fport of fancy, thefe lines were quoted againft me, by a certain bifhop, as a proof that I neither believed one word of the Old Teftament, nor of the New. This flopped my preferment. ! only fmiled, and preferred myfelf to- him. D 4; G HA P. t 56 ] ; CHAP. XXI. THE GOSPEL FOR THE DAY. SINCE I am in for it, I'll tell you another excommunicable thing I did. Whether be- . fore, or after, I forget. Is it any matter which? In the city of , the church was repairing, and the corporation of that town had accommodated the parifli with their Tbolfel, or fcown-houfe, as a chapel of eafe, for the time. There happened to have been an ele&ion for that city not long before. Upon which mercantile oc- , cafion, the worlhipful mayor, aldermen, &c. had nator ioufly . You know how elec- tions are ufually carried on, and what admirable fecurities they are become, of late, for our lives liberties, and properties ! I was among the congregation one Sunday, when the gofpel for the day happened to be taken out of the nineteenth chapter of St. Luke, where our- Saviour is faid to have driven the buyers and fellers out of the temple. An impetus of honetl indignation feized me. I took out my pencil, and [ 57 ] and wrote the following hafty lines on one of the pannels of the pew I fat in : Whoever reads nineteenth of Luke, believes The boufe of prayer was once a den oftbievet Now, by permiflion of our pious mayor, A den of thieves is made an boufe of prayer. I was obferved. I happened to have been ad- mitted a freeman in that corporation fome time before this incident; and having been detected in the above farcafm, the mayor had my name immediately ftruck out of the books, ex officio merely without any manner of legal procefs or pretence. But here I had no reafon to complain. I had certainly, in this inftance, been guilty of an im- piety againft the fraternity of this corporation and they refented it like men 1 am only fur- prized at the fallibility of your divines. Among whom there are many pious ejacula- lors, who think that I ought to have been excom- municated long ago. However, I am fure that I am well enough intitled to be received a prieft, in the Perfian temples at leaft as all the ini- tiated were obliged to pafs firft through a novi- ciate of reproach and pain, to give proof of their D 5 * being bemg tree trom paflion, refentment, and impa- tience. I am in the fame predicament with Cato the cenfor not in the feverity of his difcipline, I confefs but in the particular, at leaft, of his having been fourfcore times accufed. But he had the advantage of fairer trial than ever I had for he was as often acquitted. God forgive them ! But I forgive them their prayers, in return, on account of an old proverb. T-~ Need I repeat it ? CHAP. [ 59 1 CHAP. XXII. TOLERATION OR PERSECU- TION. T WAS fpeaking of thefe things one day to Vol- JL taire, and he wifhedme joy of the great happi- pinefs and advantages of living in a country where fuch expreflions and allufions, which ignorance or malice might be capable of conftruing into treafon or blafphemy againft church or ftate, could efcape the Inquifuion or Baftiie. He then put into my hand his treatife on. Toleration, which had been but juft publiflied. It is written, like all his works, with great fpirit, wit, and learning, to prove, what no fool could ever yet depute, that persecution, /or God's fake, is a moft wicked thing, and contrary to reafon, nature, and fcripture. It appears an extraordinary thing to me, that fince there is fuch a diabolical fpirit, in the de- pravity of human rature, as perfecution for dif- ference of opinion in religious tenets, there never happened L 60 ] happened to be any inquifttion, any auto de fe, any crujade, among the Pagans. That during the ages of ignorance and bar- barity, while the devil, as divines tell us, go- verned the church, equivocated in their oracles, ordained impurities, and commanded human facrifices, brethren were not fet againft brethren, nor nation againft nation, in civil fury, or in pious war. But that, as foon as it had pleafed God, by mi- raculous interpofition, to take the church into his own hands, Co mocking and impious an aera mould thence commence that the word of peace mould call forth the fword, and the pre- cepts of love and concord produce hatred and diflenticn. The chriftian fay z/H-chriflian prieft informs me, the reafon of this remark- able difference was, that the heathen happened to have no one article of belief worth the quar- reling about as they univerfally fuppofed the foul to perilh with the body. Pofl mor- tem nibil ejl t was their creed. And that even thof few, among the philofophers, who ad- mitted [ 61 ] milled of a pajl-exijlence, at the fame time de- nied an bell Nan ejl unus, fays Cicero, .tarn fxcors, qui credat. Thus then, continues the good catholic , while the whole of human exiftence was ignorantly fuppofed to have been comprehended within the pale of mortal life, peace, friendmip, and good-will, were, moft certainly, preferable to war, enmity, and perfeculion. But when ihe immortal foul was once put under ihe care of CbrijTs Vicar here on earth how loially unworthy lo be ftiled Priejlt of the Lamb, and Oracles of the Dove, muft thok divines be, who would not caft the body of an heretic into the flames * ! I cannot help differing in opinion from the or- thodoxy of this true catholic tenet ; and am more inclined lo agree wiih Cicero, in the paf- fage above quoted, though he was but groping in * The popifh text for broiling, is taken from that palTagein fcripture, where it is faid, bomineni hsre- ticum devita which lad word they conftrue into dt vita tollers. [ 62 ] in the dark himfelf. For to believe a foul, and damn it, methinks, is not light but lightning* GHAP. CHAP. XXIII. MY RELIGION. WHAT are my own notions about reli- gion ? you afk me. I'll tell you. -^~ I am now on my death- bed. I have both conviction and faith enough in that article to become a methodift, and fpiritual warmth fufficient to render roe an enthufiaft that way ; but that, I thank God, I have never yet been wicked enough to rufli into fiieh extrava- gancies. Paflions muft be combated bypaffion. Therefore, your grievous finners generally turn devotees. This is the natural confequence of a fort of people, who, though a paradox, are com- mon enough in life, gut credunt multum, et peccant fortitir. For my own part, I truft that the gentle breezes of the eftabliflied orthodoxy of our church may be ftrong enough to waft my foul to heaven. 1 have not fuch a weight of fin fufpended at the tail of my kite, as to require a ftorm to raife k. [ 64 ] it. And fince the ceafingof the oracles, I think that a perfon may be infpired with fufficient grace, without falling into convulsions. I am as certain that there is a God above, as that I myfelf am here below. My certainty is the fame for how otherwife did I come here? .!. ; ' .; 3' " j v/ ,t rrr ' " Tell, if yefaw, how came I thus ? how here? "Not of myfelf." "Jaysiii 1 h-if tf'i^itj-Tii i. >ii'->j v -jisij-i;: mifi He muft love virtue, and deleft vice. Con- fequently, He muft both reward and punifh.- If we are not accountable creatures, we are furely the moft unaccountable animals on the face of the earth. ' . _ no ~t ''.} !.->ii:/Jff .) > o.' fiijili J"' 1 *!!.'! After the fpirit is fled, and his body perifhed in the grave, does the refurre&ion of man combat thy vain phvlofoph) ? Confult the cater- pillar t thou ignorant, and the butterfly fhall re- folve thee. In its firft ftate, fluggifh, helplefs, inert crawling on the face of the earth, and grofsly feeding on the herbage of the field, After its metamorphofis, its refurreflion, a wing- ed feraph, gorgeous to behold, light as air, ac- tive as the wind, fipping aurorean dew, and ex- ira&ing [ 65 ] trading ne&areous eflences, from aromatic flowers *. Has not the improbable fable of the Hydra*? heads been long fince verified nay even exceed- ed, beyond the bounds of the moft extravagant fi&ion, as being abfolutely contrary to the whole courfe of nature before known by the polypus, which generates by feflion? The analogies of nature fufficiently point out the ways of Provi- dence. Muft every thing be impoflible, which our infufficience cannot account for? Are there not innumerable myfteries in nature, which accident reveals, or experimental philofophy demonftrates to us, every day ? And (hall we yet prefume to limit the powers of the great Author of that very nature ? * What was it that created matter J What was it that gave that matter motion ? What was it that to matter and motion added fenfation ? What was it that fuperadded to thefe, confciouf- nefs, intelligence, and reflection ? What was it, great Pfyche, in the Greek language, fignifies both a butterfly, and the foul. [ 66 ] great God, what was it! rRefolve me, ye infi- dels, what it was. Till then, be dumb. -^-O faddeft folly! 1. Lewenhoeck, by the help of his glades, ftiews you certain fibres in the body of a full grown man, fo very fine, that fix hundred of them, combined together, but compofe the thicknefs of a. fingle hair of hjs head. 2. He alfo demonstrates to you, through the fame medium, that a grain of fand is large enough to cover one hundred and twenty-five thoufand of the orifices through which we daily tranfpire. 3. Water can be made to freeze in the middle of fummer, provided that 'tis brought clofe to tbefire. 4. A lens of ice may be ufed as a burning-glafs. 5. A line of but an inch long, is capable of be- ing divided into as many parts as one of a mile in, length. 6. Tbt fun is fome millions of miles, nearer to us in winter than in fummer. 7. When [ 6? ) 7. When a perfon travels round the earth, his head goes many thoufand miles further than his heels. 8. There are two lines, in mathematic cer- tainty, which may continue to approximate, ad infinitum t without even a poffibility of ever com- ing into contact with each other *. Prithee, now, my good infidels, is there any one article offaitb, in the whole chriftian creed, which appears to be more contrary to reafon or probability, than thefe eight foregoing propofiti- ons ? And yet they are all of them capable, ei- ther of experimental proof, or mathematical de monftration. Can any perfon, who is capable of making fuch reflections as thefe, be ever fuppofed an in- fidel to either natural or revealed religion ? They mud have a (aith of incredulity, who could give credit to fuch a fuppofition. Quijludet, orat t is a juft expreflion. The aflymptotes of an hyperbola. See Conic Seftions. CHAP. [ 68 ] CHAP. XXIV. THE CONVERT. i HAPPENED to have an intimacy once with a man of fenfe and virtue ; but who had, at the fame time, a certain indolence of mind, that fuffered him to acquiefce in the opi- nions of others, without ever taking the trouble to examine them. He had more wit than wif- dom ; and a jeft was an argument to him> as well as it was with Shaftfbury *. I loved and pitied him to have virtue enough to aft rightly, and yet not fenfe fufficient to judge fo! We have had frequent converfati- ons on this fubjeS. . He faid often, that he would give the world to be able to think as I did, and begged my afliftance. I foon made him a detft t without any other help than my own poor philofophy. 1 then put Duncan Forbes's Thoughts upon religion into * Who makes Ridicule the left of Truth. into his hands*. He read the book carefully through, and returned it to me, with this rc- fle&ion, written at the foot of the laft page, " Thou almoft perfuadeft me to be a chriflian." I then prefented him with Pafchal's Thoughts on the fame fubjeft f. He returned them to me foon after, with this indorfement on the cover, ** / am not only almofi, but altogether fucb as tbou "art except in the abfurd and unphi- " lofophical notion of tranfubftantiation." Make a perfon but a found moralift firft, and it muft be then owing to indolence or ignorance, rather than to impiety or infidelity, if you can- not * The argument he urges, is, that expiation, by the means of blood and facrifice, which runs through all the Jewilh and Pagan rites, was fo irra- tional an idea, that nothing but an original revelation of the method of redemption, which was thereaf- ter to obtain in the Chriilian fyftem of Providence, could pofiibly have ever induced the belief and prac- tice of it. f- In his Provincial Letters, one of the ftrongeft proofs he offers for the truth of Chriftianity, arifes from the very obftinacy of a whole race of people, who continue ftill to deny it. Upon this account he ftiles the Jews a JianAing miracle, becaufe they have ever fince remained under the remarkable defcription of the prophetic cur fe. [ 7 1 not afterwards make him become a chriftian. I have had the fatisfa&ion ever fince to fee this worthy man add faith to good works , and live an orthodox and exemplary life, both in belief and pra&ice. Wbicb that we may all do, <5ec. CHAP. CHAP. XXV. HEAR FULNESS. IT is this true fenfe of religion that has rendered my whole life fo chearful as it has ever fo re- markably been to the great offence of your religionijls. Though why, prithee, mould priefts be always grave? Is it fojad a thing to be a parfon ? Be ye atoneoftbefe, faith the Lord * that is, as merry as little children. The Lord Iwetb a thearful giver why not a chearful taker alfo ? The thirty-nine articles are incomplete, without a fortieth precept, injoining chearfulnefs. Or you may let the number ftand as it does at prefent, provided you expunge the thirteenth ar- ticle, and place this heavenly maxim in the room of it. Might not the archbimop of Camel- 1 don't mean this man by any means have been a found divine, though he added the arch ftanza about Broglio to the old Irifti ballad*? Did * In praife of Moll Roe. [ 7* ] Did the bifliop not the earl of Rochef- ter's poem, on the man-like properties of a lady's fan, ever impeach his orthodoxy in the leaft? Heliodorut, bifliop of*, I forget where was deprived of his fee, becaufe he wrote Theagenes and Cbariclea. This was doubly abfurd in the pope. Here his holinefs's infallibility happened to overfhoot the mark. In the firft place, there was nothing either arch or heterodox in the whole novel. In the next, was not the circumftance of a white child being generated from black pa- rents , by the imprefiion of an European portrait hanging at the foot of the bridal couch, a corrobo- ration if it wanted one of the fcripture phi- lofophy about the freaked goats? 1 begin to fufped, that your popes are like other men, after all. Plato and Seneca and furely they were both grave and wife enough to have been confecrated thought that a fenfe of chearfulnefs and joy fhouldever be encouraged in children, from their infancy not only on account of their healths, but as produflt 'tie of true virtue. Which is the literal tranflation of their very words as far as I am able to conftrue Greek or Latin. Chearfulnefs, [ 73 ] Chearfulnefs, even to gaiety, is confonant with every fpecies of virtue, and pra&ice of reli- gion. 1 think it inconfiftent only with im- piety or vice. The ways of heaven are pleajant- nefs. We adore, we praife, we thank the Al- mighty, in hymns, in fongs, in anthems and thofe fet to mufic too. Let 0! be joyful, be the chriftian's plalm and leave the fad Indian to incant the devil, with tears and fcreeches. When the Athenians piQured an oivl t as the bird of wifdom, they never meant ihefcreecb-owl t furely. But indeed I think, with their leave, that the fparrow would have been a fitter em- blem of true wifdom, as being the merrieft and mofl loving bird of the air. There have been fome popes who would have excommunicated me for fuch an allufion as this. VOL. I. E CHAP. [ 74 ] ' ( . CHAP. XXVI. A SAD REFLECTION! there mould ever be fo much irreli JL gion in the world! That thofe - for this renders the evil irremediable whofe great- eft intereft it muft certainly be to ftrengthen and fupport this great, this only bulwark of our lives and properties, fhould become thegreateft exam- ples, and principal encouragers, of infidelity! I mean thofe, whom the world, by a ftrange abufe of terms, ftiles the Great. Thefe have certainly an higher ftake, at the hazard of vice, immorality, and impiety, than perfons in the middle ranks of life who happily ftand a pha- lanx between them and the vulgar. And yet other knaves but facrifice their fpiri- tual to their temporal intereft. Thefe moft ef- pecial worthies, at once both knaves and fools, equally fquander both. Good lack ! good lack ! ~ But men are worfe than they need be, though there were neither hell nor gibbet in the quef- tion. Such f 75 ] Such thoughts and reflections as thefe might well become a fepmon. But novels are more read at prefent than ferious difcourfes. I muft therefore ufe the mod convenient vehicle for in- ftru&ion imitating Do&or Young, who wrote a play, for the propagation of the gofpel*. And I fhall ever take care, for the reft of my life, that all my writings (hall be, if nolfermonic, Jermoni propiora at leaft. But enough for the prefent of my fentiments and opinions, and let us go on a little further with the feries of fmall adventures in my deful- tory life. * The Brothers the profits of which he con- fecrated to the fociety for propagating the gofpel in foreign parts. CHAP. [ 76 ] CHAP. XXVII. MELANCHOLY. BU T as my whole fcheme of life is pkafure % I fometimes indulge myfelf in the dear and heart-felt enjoyments of melancholy. 1 weep gladly. I give my tears, not grudgingly , nor of tiecejjlty, but like my alms, with chear- fulpefs. Were I to be anatomized anew, I do moft folemnly declare, that I would fooner part with my rifthle than my flebllile mufcles. Sympa- thy is the great magnet the cement of life. And my concord is ftronger with the wretched than the happy for philanthropy is my pritnum mobile, and pity is an augment to paflion. I can treat myfelf, whenever I pleafe. I have loft fome friends! 1 can call fpirits from the uajly deep (hike at my breaft, and find them there Poor Le Fevre ! unhappy Maria! my loft, my ever dear Kliza ! Or I can read Sampjon Aganiftes. He muft have either a weak head, or ftrong eyes, uho can perufe the firft fpeech of that poem without tears [ 77 ] tears particularly the Utter part of it, where he laments his lofs of fight. Milton wrote it from his own feelings and his blindnefs has often dimmed my fight. But whenever I have a mind for a thorough feaft of weeping, I need only turn over to the hiftary of Sir Thomas More's life, and read that paflage in it, where his daughter, Mrs. 'Roper-, meets him in the ftreet^ returning to the Tower, immediately after his condemnation. My fa- ther ! Oh! rny father! Sad luxury, to vulgar minds unknown t The mere title of a hook, lorrg finceloft, ftiled, Lamentatio gloriofs regis t Edvardi de Karnarvan, quam edidit tempore fuee incarcerationis The lamentation of the glorious king Edward ofKar- narvan, which hecompofed during his imprifo-n- ment funk my fpirits for a -whole day. The oppofition. between the two firft words (in the Latin), and then again between the third and laft, affe&ed me greatly. And though it was a very old.ftory, I could not help feeling, for fome time, as if I had heard fome bad news. N But fuch things as thefe have not their effe& upon every one. The many read only with E 3 their, [ 78 ] iheir eyes, and bear only with their ears. Tbt few perufe with their whole foul, and liflen with all their feelings. Intuition and fenfibility are the only organs of genius or of virtue. The general hardnefs of heart one meets with among mankind, might tempt us to give credit to the old fable of Deucalion , and fuppofe men to be generated from ftones. Or one might fancy the world to be grown fo corrupt of late, that the facred Perfon who had taken the falvation of mankind upon himfelf, has thought fit to intruft only SL few, now-a-days, with the keeping of their own fouls; and has kindly taken out thofeof/fo many, and locked them up fafe, in limbo patriim, out of harm's way, till the day of judgment. However, I dare not long, nor often, rejoice jn this luxury of woe. My nerves are weak. I can command my mirth, but not restrain my melancholy. CHAP. CHAP. XXVIII. SENSIBILITY. WHEN I have been reading tragedy, or affe&ing paflages in hiflory, poetry, or even in romance, aloud before others, my. eyes have filled, and my voice has faultered. I at- tended for the fame effe& in my audhors ^but inftead of tears at my recital, have frequently found them laughing at my emotion. f have retired amamed not at them, but at myfelf. -I have fufpeded my own weaknefs, rather than theirs <- and the vanity of imagining I had fympathized with angels, has been funk into the humiliating idea of my being iufceptible of a greater foible than mortals ^ I have begun to doubt the ftrength of my own intellects, and for fome time kept a jealous guard over all my words and actions. But the countenance and fentiment of a few fuperior fpirits have, fora while, given me con- fidence once more. Again have I attempted the fame experiment, and have again been banifhed to. the fame mortifying reflections endeavour- E 4 ing [ 8o ] ing ftill to fteel my heart againft another's woe in vain. Fine feelings are laughed at by the world, and ridiculed by the ftoical philofophy, as a weak- nefs. This is too apt to put delicate minds out of countenance; who, in order to appear wife, conceal their fenfibility, and affe& a character above human nature, from the example of thofe only who are^/ow /'/. CHAR CHAP. XXIX. A REFLECTION ON MYSELF. WHAT an hard fate is mine ! with all the fpirit, the frolic, the chearfulnefs, the tender affe&ions, of youth, not to have nerves refponfible to my feelings ! 1 want them not for my own enjoyments but would have a&ivity and vigour for the fole purpofes of others. N. I look wiftfully often at' young women. > This is one of the things that has been mifcon- ftrued in me. The world are but bad gramma- rians of my principles or character. _'Tis not their beauty I covet, but their youth I envy. I look as fondly at men too yet am nopatbic, ' 1 kifs little children as I meet them in the ftreets but am no kidnapper: 1 would live among them, like old Hermippus *, if I could not for the fake of life but love. E 5 'T would * He is faid to have attained to an extreme age, by playing conftantly with boys and girls oourifh- ing his old lungs .with the balianiic effluvia of their young breaths. [_* J 'Twould found like blafphemy, to fay what I would do or fuffer for the fake of man- kind. CHAR [ 83 ].. CHAP. XXX. ^Continuation of Chapter XXVII. THE MAD LOVER. R I can recoiled feme fcenes of madnefs I have not purpofely been a witnefs of particularly one, of a Cambridge fcholar, who had unhappily fallen in love with his own fitter. His pafllon and defpair had proved too ftrong for his virtue orchis reafpn. " Was not Juno both wife and fitter of Jove? ** Adam and kve wre furely nearer relations *' than we are, Their children, at leaft, were " brothers and fitters- and yet were wedded to " each other. Were not Amnon and Tha- " mar married -or as good? . fugh mar- " riages as it was thought proper to permit in " thofe, times. The mo.de, indeed, is changed " now-a-days. And why? r'Twere im- ** pious to fay, that Omnipoteece was under a '* neceflity of difptnfing with neceffary forms in the " beginning. He could have created a par- " fon, fooner than he woujd have permitted a "crime. If Sarah was not Abraham's fitter, "he " he certainly told a moft damnable lie to Abi- " melech." When they told him, in order to quiet his im- patience, that his fifter was dead, he fwore it -was impoflible, becaufe that he himfelf conti- nued ftill alive. " We are already one flefli, " faid he, and the fympathy is fo ftrong between " as, that I know when {he is hungry, wakes, " freezes, or - . She had a diabetes, " about half a year ago, and it had like to have " killed me ; but / drank plentifully of marfh- '* mallows tea, and it effectually cured ber.- " Sfo fleeps ill a-nighta, and it breaks my reft. " She has foul dreams fometimes I am angry " with her for that. I have done all in my " power, continued he, by fafting and prayer, '* to cure this wickednefs in myfelf^ but ber wan- " tonnefs is too ftrong for me" Moft of thofe who were prefent laughed much t all this extravagance. I wept. One of the company obferving my emotion, faid, I prefume, Sir, that you know this poor gentleman. Yes, I replied, recoliecYmg myfelf, better than he does himfelf. I walked immediately out of the room. I am fenfible of a fympathy in my own nature, even ftronger ftrongcr than his. I feel for all the ills and ails of thofe who are neither my brothers nor my fitters, except in the Icripture fenfe. The Mahometans have a veneration for luna- tics faying, that God bath favourably deprived them of their fenfes, in order to render tbetnguiltlefs to fin. I am a Mufful-man. CHAP. [ 86 } . CHAP. XXXI DOCTOR SWIFT. 5" I MS natural to fpeak of a thing, when one jL thinks of it. In truth, unlefs one is apt to fpeak without any thought at all, how is it pofiible to do it at any oiher time? But the fubjeft of my laft chapter has brought the biography of Do&or Swift into my mind. It is worthy to be remarked, that this extraordi- nary perfon, in his voyage to Laputa, fpeaking of people who had loft their fenfes, adds, which is a fcene that never fails to render me melancholy. In another place, he imagines a fet of men, whom he ftiles Strulbrugs, who had outlived iheir reafon and every enjoyment of life. And in his will, he bequeaths his whole for- tune to found an hofpital for ideots and lunatics. He becomes himfclf a Strutturg, before the years of dotage * ; and dies the firft tenant to his own endowment. If * There is no fuch ftage in life. Sent/is ftuhi- tia, qu : of* the day ofjudg* ment .it is morally impoflible for any man, bors tfelle, to determine whether the fair delin- quent may have been moft deferring of infamy or cpmpaflion, I have known feveral of thele equivocal cafes znyfelf;. tw o of which I think proper to in- dulge the cunofuy of my reader with in this place, by way of fpecifying my argument mere- ly The firft inftance was a very pretty modefl young woman, that was only daughter to the clerk of the firft parifh I ever officiated in. She F 3 had A had been moft carefully brought up, went con- ftantly to church with her father, morning and evening; fat upon a little ftool in the aile, juft under the deflc; and having a mod tuneable voice, ufed generally to help him to raife the pfalm. There had never appeared the leaft turn of lightnefs, forwardnefs, orjlirtation, in any part of this good girl's behaviour, as (he grew up. There are ufually certain patterns pointed out in tvery country village ; and Mifs Amen was the paragon of our parim till about the age of feventeen, me happened fundenly to difappear becaufe, it feems, (he found herfelf, as we were foon after informed, to be too big to be feen. The place of her concealment was kept a pro- found fecret from us all for fome months, till after the fair eloper had become the Jorrowful mother of a child; when I received a private billet from her, intreating me to grant her an interview the next day, at a little cottage about five miles from the town I lived in ; and begging that I would come alone. My humanity, with a little mixture offemality, namely curiofity, induced me to obey the fum- mon mons moft punctually. 1 went. She threw herfelf on her knees before me, covered her face with her hand, and wept bitterly but not alone. - After I had fpoken comfort to her foul, by preaching to her the great efficacy of repentance, and calmed her mind, by promifing to mediate a reconciliation between her and her unhappy pa- rents, the fecond part of my errand operated fo ftrongly on me, that I began to queftion her, in the ftile of a confeflbr, about the whole procefs, the commencement, progrefs, and arts which had led to, or were laid for, her undoing. She anfwered me, with a franknefs and a can- dour that fully perfuadcd me oiTher truth and in- genuoufnefs. She declared tome, that her failure had not proceeded in the leaft either from paflion or from vice ; - that me had never in her lite been fuiftble of any warm dcfire, prompting her from within, nor had even fuftain- ed any ftrong iolicitation, urging her from with- out. -r No, reverend Sir, exclaimed the fair penitent^ with an heavy figh, it was nothing of all this, that I am to be cruelly reproached with upon this fad occafion. It was-^ it was, alas! my F 4 father's v [ 104 ] father's trade alone that thus hath wrought my overthrow. :, .. .r, I fjp . .1 I'll' T''i Your father's trade! his trade! I replied, with furprize, the caufe of your ruin! But fo indeed the fact was, without peradventure. Befides the vocation of pariftvderk, old Amen had, it feems, followed the occupation of breeches- making alfo. He had bred up his daugh- ter to the.myfteries of the fame manufacture, from the time that fhe had begun to enter into her teens \ and as ill luck would have it, they happened to be leathern breeches too that he dealt in. The unfortunate girl now a woman allured me, that this kind of employment ufed, by degrees, to occafion certain involuntary wan- derings to ftray in her mind, which, without ever tainting her chaftity in the leaft, had infenfibly, however, fullied the purity of her thoughts; that me had done every thing in her power to reftrain her reflections from running into fuch reveries; and had fung pfalms for whole evenings together, to divert her attention to fitter fubje&s of contemplation. In vain, alas! for while fhe fung, breeches were ftill the burden cf btr fong. This t 105 ] This unlucky image haunted poor mademoi- felle Culote continually. When (he lay down to reft, (he imagined (he faw them taken off, and laid under the pillow; and when (he arofe, (he fancied ftill fhe faw them taken up, and put on again before her eyes. The familiarity of fuch ideas, though it had not in the leaft daggered her virtue and I believe it yet had pretty nearly produced the fame effecl:, by difcomfiting her modefty fo far, as to prevent a proper alarm, refentment, and refiftance from taking place, and coming quick enough to her aid, when (he was afTailed by the young fquire of the manor, for whom (he had juft finimed a neat pair of leathern breeches, which he happened to call on her for, one evening about twilight, when the reft of the family were attending a funeral in the parifli. The poor girl ! Happy had it been for her, if men had never worn any breeches at all, or that they had even worn them as the Cbiriguanet are reported to do theirs as fops wear their hats under their arms. We are not yet informed how the women wear their petti- - coats in that country; but we may fuppofe, at F 5 leaft, [ io6 ] leaft, that the retort courteous * is properly return- ed among thofe people, as well as in all the other nations of the earth. The world, 'tis thought, would foon be at an end, if it was not for fuch exchange of courtefies. * An expreflion in Asyw like it. CHAP. C H A P. XXXVII. THE M A N - M I D W I F E. "TYTITH regard to my fecond inftance, I * {hall be but (hort. She was daughter Jo a man-midwife; and all that has been urged upon the former cafe, is equally referable to this one alfo. - : '.v.uVw vs Her father ufed to be frequently called up a^nights, with a Juno Lucina, fer ofiem. Thi.s w,ould difturb her repofe. She ufed often to lie ftretching and yawning in her. bed, and com- muning with herfelf about the matters and things which could occafion all this buftle and ftir. She had a vaft turn- to philofophy. - She would get at her father's books fhe would fometimes read more than fhe underftood but happened often to underftand more than he was the better for. It >made her wifer, forfooth - but, alack! how. dearly have, we fince paid for the firft inftanceot female wifdom ! 'Twasin this very fcnence, they fay, tha; the firft curiofity was exercifed. - Tbe. knowing ones are fometimes taken in. Her Her father told me, one day, foon after her accident, (lie had declared to him, that, without labouring under the power or influence of any other inordinate paffion or propenfity in nature, her curiofity was fo predominant in her, that (he would, at any time of her life, have ftooda fhot been- made a free-ma fon. O philofophia! dux vitae! - The deuce it is! But pray, Sir, is there not fuch a the- orem in this fame philofophy, as that aflion and re-aftion are equal and in oppofit directions too? And is not the natural pbilofopby ever ftill at fifty- cuffs with the moral one? In fuch conflicts as ihefe the fair Objletrica fell! But the philofophy, of all others, that finally tript up poor mifs Midwife's heels, was the Platonic one. How beautiful a fyftem is there difplayed ! To have two fond and faithful hearts mutually attracting each other, their Jyjlolj and diaftole the fame, tide for tide, and by a fweet compulfion drawing nearer and nearer together, for life, like the affymptotfs of an hyperbola, with- out ever coinciding, or rufhing into the point of coniaft *. How * Vide the Conic Sections. How enviable and truly feraphic a ftate is this! How like to heaven itfelf, where they are faid neither to marry, nor to be given in marriage! What pity is it that it is not real ! and that thofe who would reft upon this inchanted ifland, as on terra Jjrma, would foon have their feet flip^ from under them ! This fame contingency thisjjnchronifm is the devil. Ye breeches-makers y and ye men or women midwives alfo, fend out your daugh- ters from underneath your roofs, I fay. They are, alas ! too dangerous feminartes for young women to be educated in. But enough on fuch fubje&s as thefe. I can- not bear to dwell long upon melancholy (lories. - C CHAP. XXXVIII. ORIGIN OF TRIS'TRAM SHANDY. UPON turning over this manufcript juft now , I find that I had mentioned a defign of writing my own memoirs once, upon a time. I did really fit down to this work formerly, with the moft ferious and ftupid intention poflible. But the Brutum fulmen^ or Will o'tbe ivifp of imagination, glared full before me, and led fne a fcamper, over hedge and dilch, through briars, through quagmires, and quick- fands, for nine intire volumes, before I attempted to intro- duce myfelf into life. r In truth, great part of that work was fpent before I even pretended to have been born. I knew the world, alas! too well, to be in any manner of hurry to ftep into it. 'V The oddnefs and novelty of the firft volumes caught hold of the capricious tafte of the public. 1 was applauded and abufed, ce:ifured and de- fended, through many a page However, as there were more readers than judges, the edition had fufficient vogue for a fale. This encourag- ed me I went on ftill with the fame kind of no f 111 ] no meaning ; finging, at the end of every chapter, this line from Midas, to my aft-eared audience, Round about the may pole how they trot with a parody on the text ; where, inftead of brown ale t you are to read only fmall beer. - But what entertained me the moft, was to find a number of my moft penetrating readers had conceived fome deep laid fcheme or defign to be couched under thefe vagrancies or vagaries, which they fancied and affirmed would unfold it- felf toward the conclusion of the work. Nay fome, more riddle-vuittcd than the reft, have pretended to be able to trace my clue, through every volume, without lofing once fight of the conne&ion. A fine fpirit ofenthufiafm this! With what intelligence and profit muft Aich perfons read the Apocalypfe! A millen- nium muft certainly be a very clear cafe with them. However, I muft have the modefy to admit, that there were, here and there, fome ftrkmg pafTages interfperfed throughout thofe volumes. In fterquilinio margaritam reperit. There are many foibles ridiculed, and much charity and benevolence inftilled and recommended. One faunters faunters out, fomet'mes, into the fields and highways, without any other purpofe than to take the benefit of a little air and exercife ; an object of diftrefs occurs, and draws forth our charity and companion. After this carelefs manner did I ramble through niy pages, in mere idlenefs and fport till fome occurrence of humanity laid hold of me, by the breaft, and pulled me afide. Here lies my only fort. What we ftrongeft feel, we can beft ex- prefs. And upon fuch fubje&s as thefe, one muft be capable of a double energy, who, while he is pleading for otbtrs, is alfo relieving himfclf. Mil in CH A P. CHAP. XXXIX. - I happened to be very ill at the time, and fit- ting by the fire-fide one morning in my lodgings, when I received a very polite card, in a female hand, unknown, acquainting me, that having been ftruck with that rich vein of philanthropy, fhe was pleafed to fay, which flowed like milk and honey through all my writings, Mrs. would be much obliged, and flattered, if I would afford her an opportunity of a perfonal acquain- tance with the author, by doing her the favour of drinking tea with her that evening. I was too weak to venture abroad. I wrote her word fo allured her that I longed equally for the pleafure of an acquaintance with any perfon, [ "4 ] perfon, whofe heart and mind feemed to fympa- thize with thofe affe&ions (he was Co kind to com- pliment me upon, and intreated the honour of a fans ceremonif vifit from her, upon this occafion, that very evening. She condefcended to accept my invitation, and came accordingly. She vifited me every day while I continued confined; which kindnefs I returned, moft pun&ualty, as foon as I was able to go abroad. She was a woman of fenfe and virtue not lively, but poflVfled of. that charm-ing fort of even chearfulnefs which naturally flows from goodnefs. Metis confcia refit. She was referved, and, like a ghoft, would rarely fpeak till.fpoken to. She had, like a lute, all the paffive powers of mufic in- her, but wanted the mafter's hand to bring them forth. She had quitted England very young be- fore her tender affections had been rendered callous, by the collisions of the world. She had been carried into India, where fhe continued, till thofe fentiments had been ripened into prin- ciple, and were infpired with all the fublime enthufiafm of eaftern morality. She She feemed to be unhappy. This added a tendernefs to my efteem for her. 1 gueffed, but inquired not her private hiftory, and (he communicated nothing. She would repine, but not re fen t. She had no gall to boil over her overflowings were of the pan- creatic juices only *. From that time we held on a conftant and refined intercourfe, while (he remained in the kingdom, and a friendly cerrefpondence fucceed- ed our parting to meet no more in this world I prophecy! She happened to be another man's wife too. But the charity that had attracted, with the virtue that united us, were not' able to fcreen us from the cenfure of bafe minds. Neither her own fair character, nor the memento of my ghoftly appearance, were fufficient bars to (lan- der. The improbability of a malicious ftory ferves but to help forward the currency of it be- caufe it increafes tbefcandal.~So that, in fuch inftances, the world, like Romifh priefts, are induftrious to propagate a belief in things they have not the lead faith themfelves; or, like the * The Stveet-he/iJ. the pious St. Auftin, who faid he believed fame tbingt, becaufe they were abfurd and im- poffiblc. C li.Al*. ' [ "7 ] ;,';. \ ,'' ! I CHAP. X Continuation of Chapter XXXVIII. THE PRIMMER. I CONTINUED this rodomontade through nine volumes, upon fools-cap paper *; but had reafon to find at laft, that the nine days wonder had fown its gape-feed long before. The novelty grew ftale, and the oddnefs began to lofe its fingularity. This, I fay, I confefs to have perceived a confiderable time before. But one who has run down a bill for any way, cannot well flop his fpeed, till he has got to the bottom of it. I then thought proper to ceafe titupping my hobby-borfe about to alight, and perform my promife to the public in a more ingenuous and fyf- tematical manner. Upon which occafion, I be- gan to frame thefe notes but could never fince find time to glaze them. So many other themes and * That is, ( the name which printers give to a certain (ized paper, upon which all the author's works have been published in England. and fchemes ftiot acrofs my fancy, and my purpofe, that I could not ftick to any one fubjeft long enough to make a volume of it or acquit myfelf as an author. One of my moft favourite defigns was to com- pofe a little book, to be ftiled The Primmer for the ufe and benefit of grown nobility, gentry, and others to inftrut them what to fay, and how to a&, upon all the general occafions of life *. I know of no work fo fhamefully wanted, at prefent, as fome code of this kind. There is, I confefs, a certain connate liberality of nature in fome perfons I have met with, that infpires them to think, fpeak, and at, with a fpirit and virtue which fuperfedes, in a great meafure, the neceflity of education. Thefe inftances, though, are rare they may be ftiled moral comets. The many are born with a fort of original meannefs in their minds, which refolves every action, every idea, into felf- and which the longed line in heraldry, with the poflefllon of the largeft fortune, are not fufficient to coun- tervail, without the afiiftance of an academical tuition. But * Here read the dedication over again. [ "9 ] But the generality of the curled darlings of our nation, tandem cuftode remoto, (hake off a load from their fhoulders, when they are emancipated from college: for fuch is their fenfe, or nonfenfe, of this matter. They are then apt to clafs Tulles Offices, with Burgerfdicius, among the pedantry of the fchools, and become foon pof- feflfed of ]\&cbriftianity enough to fet them above ail pagan moral or the Jhining Jtns of the heathen world, as our orthodoxy affe&s to ftile them. They then begin to look upon their own feelings to be the fure way of judging, and the ufages of the world their only rule of a&ing. From hence many illiberal notions are fuffered to obtain, and many ignoble deeds are pratifed. ' From hence arife, among the great, New- market jockies, Change-alley brokers, and cor- poration cafuifts. From hence the dignitaries of the law degenerate into attornies, and priefts in lawn dwindle into ty the- pro&ors. The fcope then of my ritual, was to fet forth the verum, atque decent, of morals, the truth and beauty of human aftions which it is in- cumbent, at leaft, on perfons of a certain rank in life, either toprafiife or pretend. They would then be taught to perceive, that neither their vwn feelings, nor the vfages of the world, were of authority [ 120 ] authority fufficient to fupport vice, meannefs, or indecorum. This would be putting them to fchool again. Thofe who want hearts, fhould be taught to get by heart. Princes and nobles, fo titled, however they might be tempted to wallow in their own fties, would not then, perhaps, dare to emblazon their ftrumpets to the public view. Turfminiflers alfo might then be informed, that they had mif- taken the metaphor, when they let go the helm, to take up the reins. The marchionefs of Taviftock had not then lived the reproof, and died the reproach, of fo many matrons on the firft benches at court. Thou haft, moft fpotlefs Ephefian relit, devoted thyfelftothe grave with thy dead lord! They would facrifice their living ones. Et facile s nympba rifere, And fuch the accommo- dating fpirit of our modern laws, that divorces, now-a days, like the fecrion ot the polypus, are fuffered to generate new members from each part of the feparation, I am not fuch a vifionary as to expect that any thing of this kind would render perfons vir- tuous, in fpite of the whole courfe of modern edu- cation. Et qute Juerunt vitia, mores funt. But [ 121 ] But I think that it might poffibly fhame your grown nobility, gentry, and others, into the dif- guifmg, or concealing their vices at leaft ; which is, perhaps, no inconfiderable point gain- ed in morals. Eft quadam prodire tenus Si non datur ultra. The appearing, or pretending to have more virtue than one has, ishypocrify; but the not expofing all the vices we are really guilty of is certainly fome merit to the public at leaft. So thall difiembling once be virtuous in you. <*?*<* A rich lawyer might, perhaps, notwithftand- ing, be tempted to purchafe an eftate for half its value, becaufe the perfon who fold it did fo in hafte, to extricate bimfelf from a gaol. But after he had perufed my little book, he would ne- ver have boafted of the action. My ears would not then be fo much (hocked and offended *s they are too frequently now every day. A profligate might ftill delude a fimple maiden, or purchafe the innocencyof beauty from a needy parent ; but he would not make a confident of fuch amours.- He would not caft the VOL. I. G viaim viimofftowant, as well as infamy; nor dare to proclaim his villany to the world. My enmity, my abhorrence, my refentment, with all the tribe of the uncomfortable, the uncharitable, and unhealthy paflions, would not then harraf* mj poor (battered frame. si tt ()*"* CHAP. [ 123 ] CHAP. XLI. THE NATURAL EXHIBITION. A NOT HER vifion of mine, was, to open ~\. an exhibition for fine children, male and female, remarkable for their beauty, fymmetry, or athletic frame. In order to which, I had pre- pared a new and copious edition of the Callipce- dia or, Art of getting Pretty Children ; illuf- tratcd with notes of my own, and enlarged with feveral philofophic hints, which had occurred to my mind whilft this pleafant fancy was run- ning in my head. . There have been many fchools opened, for the exhibition of all the arts andfciences ; but none, O fhame! for nature , and her originals. He who copies the human face-divine, receives a premium, and applaufe -while he that prefents you with the majler-piece, or prototype, of the mi- mic work, has but bis labour for bis pains or, at bed, is referred, like virtue, lo its own reward. This might encourage the good old moral and political work of propagation. It would be re- viving fome thing fimilar to the ufeful Roman law, G 2 tht [ 124 ] the jus trium liberorum and be a reftraint on promifcuous intercourfes, which terminate in barrennefs. Profligacy is a monfter, and never generates. I can conceive no other reafon for fuch a fcheme as this not having yet become an obje& of the royal foundation, except that his prefent majefty might have fo juftly thought that his own family would be beft intitled to the greateft emo- luments of it, both from excellence and number. *-1uii j ^.if^'J {lii f l .n;:j->3 to nA ,10 I have amufed myfelf fornetimes in one of my philofophic moods, with fuppofing an handfome, well-made young couple fetting out on fuch a. projeft as this. I will not indulge the freedom of imagination on this fubject though well affured I am, that the Author of beauty, har- mony, and order, cannot be difpleafed with a dif- quifition into it. i . - . .-.'-V '^ %tt-A f ? j i*'it r r [f, Can the origin of nature be jealous at our in- veftigation of the very inmoft recefles of its fe- crets ? Philofophy would become impiety at fuch a thought. Many other projects of thefe kinds, fufficient loquacem delaffart Fabium to relate, and which would require the age of a patriarch to execute beftdn beftde$ ten tboufand freaks tbat dy*d in thinking have prefented themfelves to my aHve imagi- nation, even in the midft of pain, forrow, and ficknefs; but I never was able to carry them further than minutes. For my mind has ever reprefented the jargon of the fchools, with regard to matter, which is defined to poflefs a conatus ad motum, with a vis inertia, or perfect acquiescence ad requiem, at the fame time. You may fee what a fine thing this fame learning is. ,tyVI'j3J33 v.i c, I- in* { v^ CHAf. CHAP. XLII. '* ** THE DAY OF JUDGMENT. I FIND myfelf labouring, this inftant, under an -* irrefiftible impulfe to mention one particular defign of mine becaufe 'tis of a fingular na- ture which was, to write an hiftorical and phi- lofophical account and defcription of all the fe- veral great epochas of the world, from the crea- tion to the conflagration from the beginning of time, when God faid, Let there be light, and there was light', till the end of it, when he mail fay, Let there be fire, and there Jhall be fire. As there is but one notable event to be ex- pected, between the prefent sera and the final onfummation of all things namely, the ga- thering in of all nations, fo as that all may become of tne faith when Turks, Jews, Infidels, and He- reticks Papifts, Prefbyterians, Janfenifts, Me- thodifts, Moravians, Quietifts, Arrians, Hugonots, Socinians, Anabaptifts, Muggletonians, Swadlers, and Quakers are there any more of them ? mall all become good proteftants of the church of England, as by law eJJabliJJjed. This This might, I fay, at firft, appear a difficulty upon me. But on confidering the train that has been already laid, both in church and ftate, to bring that matter to pafs, I fancy that the intelli- gent reader will be of opinion with me, that it re- quires but a competent knowledge in politics and theology, to be able to predict the time when, and the manner how, this great crifis muft be brought to pafs. I gave my fentiments on this fubjeft fome years ago, in a private letter to Frederic the Third, his prefent majefty of Pruffia. Pray, now I think of it,, do you know what became of that paper ? It was put inUxthe hands of the Pruflian minifter here, to be prefented to his matter, and we have heard no more of the matter fince. But to conclude , : -> : > : - , J in. il rd T .c> -"mi As the firft thing in intention is generally the- laft in execution, I have proceeded in this work accordingly, by writing backwards, or Hebrew- wife, and mail here prefent you with the laft chap- ter firft. 04 THE [ '28 ] THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THE EPOCHAS. ARGUMENT. THE LAST DAY. The pillar'd firmament is rottennefs, And earth's bafe built on ftubble. MILT. NOX, Erebus, and chaos, now renewed their reign. All nature was convulfed. The panther, lion, and the leopard, fled af- frighted from their dens, and, tamed by terror, grew the friends of man. The world became an ark, and adverfe beafts forgot their wonted ftrife, and fought alliance in each other's fierce- nefs. The howling wolf now bleated like th lamb. The hawk, the vulture, and the eagle, became pigeon-Iivered, and lacked gall. The birds of rapine forfook their prey, and trembled for themfelves. The fhark, the dolphin, and leviathan, merged from the boiling deep, and fought the fervid more. The elements them- felves were changed in nature's wreck. The ri-. vers were dried up, and liquid ore fupplied their burning channels. The clouds were turned to fire, and (hot their meteors through the aftonifh- [ 1*9 ] cd fky. The air was flame, and breathing was no more. The firmament was melted down, and rained its fulphur o'er the proftrate globe. The earth's foundations to the centre fliook. Even charity was dumb and virtue's felf ftotd fiercely un appalled I FINIS M U N D I, CHAP. * i ~ .trl^-Tr o:. ff -*-.' tar;:', i Lrrc MYSELF. AN D here, perhaps, fince I have got into a train of defcribing myfelf, it may amufe you or myfelf- which makes very little difference, in the mood I am at prefent to give you the character and peculiarities of Tria junfJa in uno: to which purpofe I fhall appro- priate the whole of this chapter. The firft and principal charaQeriftic of my in- Joles not indolence for it is as ative as paf- fionate is philanthropy. This is \.\\ejine qua non ef my compofition. This is my divini- ty, in which 1 live , and move, and have my being. The momentum of my affections toward man- kind is in a reciprocal ratio between heaven and earth. I place myfelf as a medium and love others with that warmth and indulgence I would have my Creator manifeft toward myfelf for- giving their errors, palliating their infirmities, and willing both their temporal and eternal feli- city . Amen ! Thi$ t '3' 1 This turn of mind is the firft thing that awa- kens with me, and the laft I part with when I take leave of my fenfes. I have frequently fup- pofed myfelf a fovereign prince, and fpent many an intire day in fettling my houfhold, with all the other offices and departments of my kingdom. Nay, I do actually aver, that I fat down gravely one morning to a (beet of paper, and en- tered the names of all my friends and acquain- tance for employs; clafling them according to their refpe&ive merits and capacities, preferring ftill, as becomes a king to do, fuperior talents and virtue, to my fondeft connections. ~ Pray, was not this a fcene for Moorfields? And would not fuch a manufcript as this, found in my pofleflion, appear to have been copied from charcoal on the -walls of a cell? Nay, I do confefs, that I did once ferioufly think myftlf mad, for a confiderable portion of my life, on account of fuch reveries and extravagancies as thefe till I happily found out that my fufpicion arofe chiefly from my having kept company, dur- ing that Jad interval, with a parcel of LUKE- warm fools. At other times, I have abfolutely refufed be- ing a king. I burned my lift, and cried out, Nolo coronari. etronari. This ilation did not fufficiently fatisiy iny thiril of power and dominion. It extended only to the temporal welfare of mankind, and was reftricled to that fcanty portion of them which was comprehended within the narrow limits of my own empire and could bear an infurance only during my own life. I prefer Socrates to Solon, and would rather prefide in the moral than the political govern- ment of mankind. This is the only true ambi- tion, to aflume to one's felf that department in life which extends equally to all nations, to all ages, and reaches even to eternity itfelf. I am, perhaps, one of the greateft philofo- phers you know in the world. Men of fenfe ad- mire, and fools envy this fuppofed fuperiarity of talent in me. They think it muft have been atchieved by dint of fludy, labour, and refoluti- on, with the natural advantages of a gifted capa- city, and great ftrength of mind. I would not have them think fo : in the firft place, btcaufe it is not true ; and in the next, fuch a notion as this might deter others from ever attempting to arrive at fuch an happy, but eafy excellence of character. Let me undeceive them. I was [ '33 1 I was as other men are, till about the age of two-and-twenty. I refented pain, fick- neis, difappointmcnt, and diitrsfs, as naturally as I did heat and cold, hunger and thirft. I had ever a turn for reflection. I lay tumbling and toiling one morning in bed, my mind la- bouring juft then under the preffure of Come one or more of the above catalogue of ills, and con- templating the infinite fuperiority of the ancient philofophy, upon all fuch trials as thefc. I envied, I admired this happy pofleflion of one's own mind. I took heart of grace , on the inftant, and filliping my fingers, cried out, I will myftlf be a pbilofopher. I immediately arofe refolving not to fall afleep again, and forget it. I put on the breeches of a philofopher pof- fibly, at that time, of an heathen one and fo commenced philofopher for life and I a/ft am a painter. This, be aflured of it, gentlemen, was the only leffon or degree I ever took in that truly no- blefcience of defence and found it to be all-fuffi- cient. The difficulties we apprehend, more than thofe we find, in an attempt of this kind, as well a* [ 134 1 as in the ftrife with all our pafiions, is the only thing that prevents philofophy and virtue from being commonly attainable in general life. What makes the difference, between a chafle woman, and a frail one ? The one had flruggled y and the other not. Between a brave man, and a coward ? 'The one had Jlruggled^ and the other not. An honert man, and a knave ? One badjlruggled, the other not. I am generally chearful but more re- markably lively under pain, ficknefs, or misfor- tunes provided the misfortune be all my own than at any other time of my life. Vifiting the fick ceafes to be a fcripture duty, when re- ferred to me. Folks crowd to my couch, not to bemoan, but be merry at, my fufferings to hear me confefs wit on the rack, and refine my tre in the crucible. A friend of mine, thinking me expiring once under the fevere diforder of a bilious cholic and I mould certainly have popped, at that very inftant, if I had not, moft luckily, been given over by three pbyficians and confequcntly no longer plied with medicine. My friend, I fay, er- prefled [ '35 1 prefled hknfelf extremely mocked at the i- tleeent merriment, as he (tiled it, .with which I was juft going out of the world. The reply I made him was, pretty nearly, in thefe words : " Your lazy or indolent chriftian is too apt to " cherifli in his mind a dangerous opinion of the " efficacy of a death-bed repentance. I was ne- " ver mad enough to truft to it. When So- " crates was afked, juft before his trial, why he " did not prepare himfelf for his defence, he no- " bly anfwered, I have been doing nothing elfe all " my life. " He who defers the great work of falvation " till his laft moments, hath loitered away his " time, till the night cometb, in which no man " can work. A death-bed attrition * " and what is it more, when it comes to that ? " may be compared to Vanini's laft exclama- *' tion who, though an atheift all his life, " called upon God in the flames. " Shall an apoplexy deprive us of falvation ? " If not, then what but fear need render us fo difmal * Repentance through fear of punifhment, not rrow for fin ; which latter is called contrition. M difrnal on our exit? Life is itfelf a jeft Then " furely death muft be the very cream of it. " The longeft life is as fhort as an epigram, and " our end is but tbe point of it." My fober friend walked away into a corner of the bed-chamber, and ejaculated. CHAP. CHAP. XLIV. A SHORT CHAPTER. WH A T a chapter was the laft ! There will be no end of it, if I once get into an habit of writing fuch long ones. But when- ever/?//" happens to become the fubjek, one fel- dom knows when to have done. This is the only theme upon which I was ever tempted to expatiate which, in other words, is to be tediout. For, in general, my writings do not fmell much of the lamp. They feem moft of them ra- ther to have been written when I had natural light enough even at the very full of the moon. Can the Critical Reviewers themfelves fay any thing worfe of them ? CHAP. [ '3* ] CHAP. XLV. A SHORTER. U T even thefe fhort chapters appear too prolix to me 1 hope not to you though they contain, each of them, only one head a-piece. So that I am refolved here to put an end to them all, and write nothing but fen- tences, throughout the fecond volume. I am not fo vain as to think that my provrbs will be as good as Solomon's or Sancho's ei- ther but this I will venture to fay, that they (hall beat them all to nothing in number. V.mUvtt i./d ! raMvf vw'' END OF PART I. WHICH CONCLUDES VOL. FIRST, [ 139 ] POSTSCRIPT. TO THE PRINTER. PLEASE, Sir, to fend your devil with my compliments to Meffieurs the Miniftry, afluring them, that it was not, by any means, in dero- gation to {\\egolden age of the prefent adminiftra- tion, but merely from the cafualty of my fubje6t- matter, that the chapters of this book, happen fo exactly to complete the number Forty-five. THE EDITOR. THE POSTHUMOUS WORKS OF A LATE CELEBRATED GENIUS, DECEASED. SOLVERE DISCE MEIS. MARTI AT, IN TWO VOLUMES. VOL. II. DUBLIN: Printed for J. EXSHAW, H. SAUNDERS, W. SLEATER, D. CHAMBERLAINB, J. FOTTSJ j. WILLIAMS, and C. INCHA**. *T^\ M DCCLXI. r j i vi 3 o n \ ;j g :- M; %;:.}, THE O R, ESSAYS, SENTIMENTS, CHARACTERS, AND CALLIMACHIES, O F TRIA JUNCTA IN* UNO, M. N, A. OR MASTER OF NO ARTS. PART THE SECOND. NESCIO QUID MEDITANS. A ,2 >! a-T-0 /*.'* '3 T '-I O A 1'^ t .^ -' l THE AUTHOR TO THE R E A D E R. WHETHER any of the following thoughts or remarks have been conceiv- ed by others, before me, or no, I cannot pretend to fay ; for as they fpontaneoufly occurred to my mind, I minuted them down, without ever taking the trouble of inquiring into their origin or deri- vation. And in truth, a labour of this kind would have been infinite and uncertain - for it is almoft impoflible, after all, for aray perfon who reads much, and reflects a good deal, to be able, upon every occafion, to determine whether a thought was another's, or his own. Nay, I declare, that I have feveral times quoted fentences out of my own writings, in aid of my own arguments in converfation ; thinking that I was fupporting them by fome better authority. VOL. II. H For 3 For my own part, I do affirm, that it would afford me a moft flattering pleafure to find them all imputed For as I can truly acquit my confcience of the leaft manner of plagiarifm, this very coincidence of fentiment and opinions, would ferve to prove the juftnefs of them, pretty nearly -as two clocks which ; ;;,h 9. Impatience is the principal caufe. of moft of our irregularities and extravagancies. I would fometimes have paid a guinea to be at fome par- ticular ball or aflembly, and fomething has pre- vented my gping there. After it was over, I would not give a (hilling to have bad been there. I would pay a crown at any time for a venifon ordinary. But after having dined on beef or mutton, I would not give a penny to, bavr bad it venifon. Think frequently on this refle&ion, ye giddy, and ye extravagant. 10. There isfuch a torture, happily unknown to ancient tyranny, as talking a man to death. H 5 Marcus [ '54 ] Marcus Aurelius advifes to afTcnt readily to great talkers in hopes, I fuppofe, to put an end to the argument. An epitaph on the unlaraented death of a talkative old maid. By my felf. Here lieth the body of M. B. fpinfter, aged forty- three, who, on the tenth day of Auguft 1764, became filent. 11. A tragic writer can tall Jpirits from tbc uafly deep, and re-animate the dead. 12. Mr. Guthrie, in his Eflay on Tragedy, diftinguifhes between a poet and a genius. He muft have meant only rhimers, verfifiers, or poetafters ; for I will not admit a perfon to be a poet, without a genius. 13. One does not require nor think of a fire, often, in fpring or autumn; yet I don*t know how it is, but when we have happened by chance to pafs near one, the fenfation it communicates is fo pleafant, that we feel rather inclined to in- dulge it. This is analogous to temptation and the moral is, keep away from tbefire. Who [ '55 Who venture in, Have half acquiefced in the fin. This is the fentiment of fom > poet ; but I car- not make out the diftich. Nor is it at all ma- terial ; for that fentence muft be poor, indeed, that owes its merit to its metre. Weight, not meafure, is the proper flandard of true flerling. 14. Cuflom is too apt to obtain a fan&ion, by becoming a fecond nature. This (hould be ad- mitted only in indifferent matters ; for in others, ufe only renders abufe familiar, and makes cuf- tom the more reprehenfible. 15. Perfons of fenfe forefee a crifti, and tem- porize with occajion. Shortfighted people never comply, till occajion becomes neceffity and then it is often too late. 1 6. Some folk think it fufficient to begood cbrif- tians, without being good, men fo fpend their lives in whoring, drinking, cheating an d praying. 17. Some people pafs through life, foberly ind religioufly enough, without knowing why, or realbning about it but, from force of habit merely, go to heaven, likejooh. 1 8. Mechanical [ i-56 J 18. Msibanieai tbrijlianf make en office of their pews, for the difpatcb ofbuftnefe. 19. Going to prayer with bad affe&ions, is like paying one's levee in an undrefs. There is a great deal of this fpeciesof wit, in many admired writings, where the fimile falls fhort of the comparifon. 20. Religion was too abftra&ed before the coming of our Saviour. But the cloathing the Divinity with matter, hath prefented us with a fenfible objefl for our adoration which was ab- folutely neceflary to attract the devotion of the many. Fora pbilojopbic religion is a religion for a pbilofopber only. 21. Marcus Aurelius fays, that he had learn- ed from ApolloniuS) not to be impatient when bis drguments happened not to be apprehended. I think there is a reafon, befides the philofo- phic one, for this. A perfon ought rather to triumph, upon the advantages of fuperior know- ledge or underftanding ; which mould incline him more to pity than refentment. 22. People who are always taking care of their health, are like mifers, who are hoarding up a treafure, L '57 ] treafure, which they have never fpirit enough to enjoy. 23. When I fee good men dying often, while worthlefs fellows are fuffered to live, I feel the force of that paflage in the Pfalms moft emphati- cally The Lord ivijbetb not the death of a ftnner. 24. The nibbling of critics, like the mites in cheefe, depreciate a work to fome, but enrich it toothers. Quere? % '" Men tire themfelves in p'urfuit of reft. The reply of Callifthenes to Alexander may be here applied Was it Callifthenes, or --? Not material though fome literary blockhead* would perhaps make a buttle about it. 26. It is an impious proftttution of the facra- ment, to adminifter it to the adulterer, the op- preflbr, or as a left, merely by way of qualificati- on, for fome temporal office. Thofe only mould be admitted to the communion who qualify them- felves for the next world not thofe who receive it folely for this. 27. Titles of honour are like the imprejjjont on coin which add no value to gold and filver, but only render brafs current. 28. There t 158 ] 28. There is no fuch thing as real happinefs In life. The jufteft definition that was ever given of it, was, A tranquil acquiefcence under an agree- able delttfton. I forget where. 29. I have known many men who have worn out what little fenfe had been born with them, long before their deaths but yet, having been trained up in office bufinefs, or fome me- chanical trade as the army, or the church continue to pafs through them ftill, like children in a go-cart, without either fufpe&ing themfelves, or being detected by others. If you flice off the head of a turkey-cock, after it has been once fet a-running, it will continue to keep finding on, in the fame {hiking gait, for feveral yards, before it drops. I have known feveral people pafs through life, plaufibly enough, with as little brains as an bead- lejs turkey-cock. 30. It was an apt faying of Epicurus, Stultus fcmper incipit -vivere. 31. Swift's love-feng, in the modern tafle, be- ginning, " Flutt'ring, [ '59 ] " Flutt'ring, fpread thy purple pinions, " Gentle Cupid, o'er my heart; "la flave in thy dominions " Nature muft give way to art,'* was not a whit too outri, upon the prettily worded nonfenfe of our lyrics and fonneteers. I happened to be looking over my daughter's mufick-book this morning, and met with feveral celebrated fongs, performed with va/l applaufe at Ranelagh and Vauxhall, which have been penned fince that cautionary ode had appeared in the world where the authors, not having the fear of Swift before their eyes and in utter ton- tempt of our fovereign lord the poet faureat fuch horrid murders as thefe have been wilfully per- petrated, viz. One lover begins, in open defiance of the laws, thus " Have you not Teen the fun, " When funk beneath the bills ? " Then have you feen my Molly fair," &e. which, being interpreted, is exa&ly this " Provided that you have never happened to fee " the fun t when it had become invtftble, then I " will admit that you might have feen my Molly "fair, who beats the fan outofjigbt." Another t Another poet bewitched,, too fublime for groveling nonfenfe, elevates his paffion at once into a crime. For concluding a verfe with this pofition, that " Friendfhip with woman \sJtJ1er to love," he commits a poetical hicefl at once flap- da (h. But the genius that pleafed and puziled me the moft, was the author of the following ftanza : " Come, take your glafs, " The northern lafs " So prettily advifed. v . 11 I took my glafs i " And really was " Agreeably furprized" Upon which arife two queftions, equally in- terefting, to be refolved here namely, What was the glafs ? And whuttbefurpnze? The latter, indeed, he lets us into the fecret of, in the next verfe which happens to be the lafs's beauty and we are to fuppofe this to have been the very firft time he had ever feen it . by his being fo much furprizfd at the fight. But then, why notfurprizedj before he had C 1-6 1 ] had taken bit glafs , as well as after ? Which leads us to the foliation of the firft queftion, what manner of glafs this was. Here the commentators differ extremely onefefl affirming it to have been la magnifying glafs which had furprizingly increafed the dimenjions of thofe charms, which had appeared nothing remarkable to the naked eye before. Another opinion, and to which, I confefs, I more incline, as being the mod orthodox, is, that it muft have been a drinking-gla/s That the northern lafs, being fomewhat chilly, had challenged our poet to take about with her and had bumpered him into a fort of Scotch or fe- condjtgbt or, in other words, had plied him up to that pitch of potation, when men are faid to fee double. By which means it became a mul~ tiply ing- glafs which muft have increafed the number of her charms to fo agreeably Juprizing a degree as the lover appears to have been fo enrap- tured at. And what ferves, in my opinion, to render this the more natural interpretation of the difficul- ty, is, that philofophy has obferved, in propor- tion as men grow warm with wine, their pen- chant toward the act of multiplication grows Wronger and ftronger. 3*. Zci 32. Zed led a fort of zig-zag life, gaining his points by indited courfes, as a fhip makes her voyage, by tacks, in an adverfe wind. 33. Variurnet mutabile femper femina. VIRG. Thefe epithets are faid to be fynonimous. I think not. The firft expreflion alludes to the. temper, and the fecond regards tfre ajfefliont. 34. A refte&ion, on the fhortnefs and vanity of human life: I never fee a man cock his hat, but I think of my poor father, who has been long dead ; and am apt to cry out, as becomes a philofopher Wbatfignijies cocking one't bat ? 35. I never knew but one perfon who inter- fered between man and wife either with fafety or fuccefs. Upon a domeftic/ro and con once be- tween the parties, that was rifing even to blows^ a friend of mine, who happened ta be by, hit the hjufhand a ftioke with his right-hand, crying,. " Be quiet, you brute ;" and ftruck the woman at the fame time with his left, faying, " Hold " your tongue, you vixen." Then repeating his moral admonitions, and friendly buffets, with a " Peace, you monfter Have done, you " termagant Hands off, you coward " Retire, [ "63 ] " Retire, you virago" a fit of fhame and laughing feized them both at the fame time at fuch extraordinary and impartial an umpirifm ; they fhook hands, immediately, and became good friends for the reft of their lives. 36. Poets mould turn philofopbers in age, as Pope did. We are apt to grow chilly , when we fit out our/for. 37. A certain perfon exprefled himfelf once very happily, in making an apology for his epi- curifm, by faying, that he had unfortunately contracted an ill habit of living well. 38. The more tickets you have in a lottery the worfe your chance. And it is the fame, of vir- tues, in the lottery of life. 39. To/ bominet, tot fententia. It cannot then be deemed partiality or prejudice to prefer one's own opinion to that of others. If you can pleafe but one perfon in the world, why fliould you not give the preference to yourfelf ? So much for the fport of fancy. But I fliould rather give the preference to another. It is im- poflible for faith to conceive, without having felt it, thefuperior pleafure of loving another perfon better than one's felf. 40. Attornies [ i6 4 ] 40. Attornies are to lawyers, what apotheca- ries are to phyficians only that they do act deal infcruples. * 41. Writings of wit or genius, in the prefent times, is but lighting a candle to the blind.. It fupplies them only with a glare , but affords them no view. 42. The definition of the Godhead is, that bis intelligence requires no reafoning. Neither propo- fttions, premifes, nor dfduflions, are neceffary to him. He is purely intuitive. Sees equally what every thing is, or is poflible to be. All truths are but one idea only. All [pace but aftngle point > and eternity itfelf but an inftant. This is a truly philofophic idea of the God- head ; and is fuited to it alone, in one very pe- culiar fenfe that any being, lefs than infinite, would be rendered miferable by fuch endow- ments. Reafoning, inveftigation, progreflive knowledge; hopes, completions, variety, fociety, &c. would be at an end. The fole pleafures of fuch a being, if not God, muft be thofe of a brute reduced to fenfuality alone. This muft have been the ftate of your demi-gods, if ever there had been any fuch - your bull and fwan Jupiters your fwine- wal- lowing [ '65 ] lowing Bacchus's your B-lt-m e Pluto's &c. 43. Atkwr fettow. The word clever is an adjunct, in which all the learned languages are deficient. There is no ejjprefllon in any of them which conveys the comprehenfive idea of this epithet. May we not from hence fuppofe, that the cha- racter here intended, as well as, the expreflion, is peculiar to thefe kingdoms? And indeed it is in a land of liberty only that a man can be completely (lever. 44. How fhocking to humanity, to fee the picture of religion befmeared with fuperftition, juftice blooded with cruelty, and love ftained with luft! * i 45. A tree is to be judged by its fruit, not its bioffoms. Quaere 46. There was a book lately publifhed, (Viled, Of the future lives of brutes, which gave great offence to your divines. I cannot fee why. The only fault I found with it was, that it was but poorly written. Is there only fuch a portion of falvation in the gift of Providence, that parfons need be jealous " of [ '66 ] of the participation? To fuppofe the inferior animals of the creation to be endowed with fouls, muft pre- fuppofe our own to be out of all difpute. There is certainly a remarkable difference in the morals of all the domeftic animals, even of the fame fpecies. The beafts of the defart we will fuppofe to be uniformly vicious. We will fup- pofe alfo that thefe are to be the devils of brutes in the four-footed Tartarus. 47. O navis! referent te, &c. The comparing a commonwealth to a Jbip, is one of the jufteft allufions in politics that can be imagined. But this fimile is more peculiarly adapted to Great Britain than to any other ftate in the world; as it has a double right to it, both as an ifland, and the firft maritime power, both in naval ftrength and commerce. Whenever, therefore, I hear of our entering into a Continental war, I think I fee the brave tars dragging their Ihips through the ftreets of London, and begging their bread, like the Thames boatmen in the time of a froft ; or drawn up from the fea-coafts, through Flanders, to b ufed as fcaling-ladders, or battering rams, againft the walls of Fontenoy, Ghent, or Bruges. 48. I [ '67 ] 48. I had a patron once, who ufed to publifh his kind intentions toward me to the world, and fo paid himfelf before-hand, without waiting for a r -ever/ion from gratitude. A generous mind may be compared to the Latin dative, which has no preceding article, and does not declare its cafe till it comes to the termination. Is there not fuch a proverb as working J or a dead borfe? This was the cafe. As he had al- ready paid himfelf, the work went flowly on< and /'/ not finijbed yel. 49. I have fuch averfion to ill temper, that I could fooner forgive my wife adultery, than croff- nefs. I cannot tafte Caffio's kiffet on her ///>/, but I can fee a lour on her brow. 50. I have fo great a contempt and deteftati- cn for meannefs, that I could fooner make a friend of one who had committed murder, than of a perfon who could be capable, in any ia- ftance, of the former vice. Under meannefs, I comprehend dimonefty under difhonefty, ingratitude under ingra- titude, irreligion and under this latter, every fpecies of vice and "immorality in human na- ture* i. There 51. There are many ways of inducing deep The thinking of purling rills, or waving woods Reckoning of numbers Drop- pings from a wet fponge fixed over a brafs pan, &c. But temperance and exercife anfwcr much better than any of thefe fuccedaneums. 52. Live to learn, and learn to ltve. N - Qiiaint. 53. 1 have an higher opinion of the fenfe and virtue of women and ever had than men, or even women themfelves, generally have. 54. Death is only terrible to us, as a change of ftate. Let us then live fo, as to make it only a continuation of it, by the uniform practice of charity, benevolence, and religion, which are to be the exercifes of the next life unlefs we are to.be as idle and worthlefs there as the gods of Lucretius. 55. I would rather go barefoot than do a dif- honeft thing. Better to have one's feet dirty, than their bands. Whofe ftile is this ? 56. Some peers of my acquaintance put me in mind of a perfon I once knew, whofe name, names, or nomen multitudinis t was Caefar Auguf- tus, / [ 1*9 ] tus, Guftavus Adolphus, Mark Antony, Timo- thy Keeling dancing- m after. 57. It (hocks me to think how much mifchief almoft every man may do, who will but refolve to do all he can. 58. To frame a corps de referve, of the ug- lieft and moft misfhapen men, and a body of Amazons too, of the fame ftamp, trained to war, to be fent upon the fervice of the forlorn hope, would, methinks, be a vaft improvement in Perfons under fuch defcriptions muft be more prodigal of life than others and would, befides, be a lefs lofs to the community. The Feri fa- ciem won Pharfalia, becaufe poor Pompey's troops happened, unfortunately, to have been handfome fellows. But if his legions had been formed, or deformed, out of the above corps, Csefar might perhaps have had reafon to be forry that he had ever pafled the Rubicon. -I*. There is alfo fomething terrifying in the ugli- nefe of an enemy. One is apt to expert lefs humanity, mercy, or quarter, from fuch phy- fiognomies. Novitate afpeflus milites perculfi, fays Tacitus. Kill or be killed, feems, in this cafe, the only word of aftion. VOL. II. I From [ 17 ] From hence fuch perfons are filled frightful that is, apt to create fear in others. The King of Pruflia feemed to have conceived fuch a phi- lofophic notion as this, when he framed the re- giment of death in the lad war. 59. Our do&ors fay, that the dead (hall tile again with bodies. This notion appears to be an article of faith, agreeable rather to the dodlrine of a Mahometan prieft than a ChnlVian di- vine. It would be unphilofophic to fuppofe that flefli and blood fliall lofe their properties after refur- reftion nor indeed, to do them juftice, is it pretended. And if fo, I'll anfwer for it, that the Turkifh fcheme of paradife will be the prac- tice, though all the metaphyfics of a Chriftian fhould be the faith. 60. Phyficians ought never to drink. Whenever any dirtemper affets themfelves, they always call in foreign aid thinking, very juflly, that the (lighted diforder might impair the judgment. And yef, methinks, a man may be able to preferve his fenfes much better, in the firft ftages of a fever, than after a bottle of wine. 6i.The C 171 ] 61. The preachers abroad ufe fo much gefture and a&ion in their delivery, that the congrega- tion becomes an audience , the moment the text is given out for they may imagine themfelves to be prefent at ,/Efchylus's theatre, where the fpeeches were all fpoken with correfpondent gef- ticulation from a pulpit. 62. We may imitate the Deity in all his ta- tributes ; but mercy is the only one in which we can pretend to equal him. We cannot indeed give like God but furely we may forgive, like him. This is the ftile in which South and Taylor quibble your fouls to heaven. 63. The different judgments we are apt to frame upon the deaf and blind, with regard to their refpecYive misfortunes, is owing to our fee- ing the blind generally in his beft fituation, and the deaf in his worft namely, in company. The deaf is certainly the happier of the two, when they are each alone. 64. An epicure defires but one dim ; a glutton would have two. 65. An atheift is more reclaimable than a pa- pjft .. -, as ignorance is fooner cured than fu- perftition. I 2 66. A 66. A fober man, when drunk, has the fame kind of ftupidity about him, that a drunken man has when he is fober. 67. The chafte mind, like a polifhed plane, may admit foul thoughts, without receiving their tindure. 68. Shakefpear may be ftiled the oracle of nature. He fpeaks fcience without learn- ing, and writes the language of the prefent times. 69. It is a great error in the poliiical conftitu- tion of England, that the peerage is not limited. The body itfelf would derive greater honour, refpel, and confequence, from fuch a reftrition. At prefent, lords are as plenty in thefe kingdoms, as German counts and French marquis's abroad; or as the Polifh nobility, who are reported to be two hundred thoufandy?rc read throng and as little diftinguifhed from the commonalty. But this is not the particular that I moft re- fent. I fpeak not as a lord, but as a common- wealth-man. The increafe of the peerage muft foon deftroy the great bulwark of the flate, by overbalancing the weight of the commons. Men of the largeft fortunes obtain titles, and Jea^e none but I 173 ] but middling ones, in the Iswer boufe. This re- duces their importance and dignity. And thofe who fucceed thefe peers, in parlia- ment, are, generally, their brothers, their fons, or other dependants. This mcreafes the in- fluence and fway of the upper boufe. So that the rule ofomne maju< y may, pcfftbly, foon be as true in politics, as -it is in philofophy. The conftituents are a reftraint on their repre- ftntativef, once, a.t leaft, in feven years. Too feldom ! And if the crown fhould refufe its afient to wholefome laws, the commons can, in turn, with-hold its revenues. But the lords are independent of controul. They may prevent the parting of any bill they pleafe, and the community has no manner of re- drefs againft them. The king cannot unlord, nor the people uncboofe them. In ancient ftates, perfons were honoured with a crown, for faving a nation. Coronets were n6t then conferred, for deftroying one. Nor are they now. 1 allude only to the twelve peers. 70. A certain perfon had once done me a fig- nal piece of fervice, but had afterwards behaved himfelf very unworthily toward me. An occa- fion foon occurred, which put it into my power I 3 to [ '74 ] to requite his ill offices ; and I was urged to take advantage of it, by a friend of mine or rather, an enemy of bit. I objected, that this man had formerly obliged and ferved me. True, he replied; but furely his ill behaviour fince that time, has fufficiently cancelled both the fervice and the obligation. By no means. Merchants accompts are never to be admitted into the higher and more liberal commerce of friendship. A perfon who has once obliged, has put it out of his power ever after to difoblige us. The fcripture has incul- cated a precept to forgive our enemies. How much ftronger then muft the text imply the/0r- giveneft of our friends ? The difobligation, therefor*, being thus can- celled by religion, leaves the obligation without abatement, in moral. A kindnefs can never be cancelled not even by repaying it. 71. The advantages of academical learning, as far as it relates to the ftudy of languages, is only this that the time and labour required to understand an author in the original, fixes the matter and reafoning ftronger in young minds, 4han a curfory reading in their own language, can be fuppofed to do. By which means know- ledge may be faid to be inculcated into us. Converfation t "75 1 Converfation too has the fame effe6t. We remember the perfon, his figure, his very drefs, the circumflances of time, place, &c. which all concur to fix, the ideas in our minds. This would be a fhorter and a pkafanter method of inftru&ion ;.and why not pra&ife it ? If the chief, which ought in this cafe to be the fole end of learning, be to teach us knowledge, fcience, and virtue, how are the dead languages neceffary- to thai acquirement? An longa, vita breiiis-, isan old complaint. But the general me- thod of education, which the fuperftition of aur European univerfities keeps us ftill incumbered with, increafes this evil, even beyond the natu- ral ftate of it, by, in fffeft> lengthening -art, and jhortening life. 72. What perfons are by ftarts, they are by nature. You fee them, at fuch times, off their guard. Habit may reftrain vice, and vir- tue may be obfcured by paffion but intervals beft difcover the man. One muft live intimately with people, to know them and it is not much for the honour of human nature, to fay that friendlhip fubfifts longer than love becaufe the intercourfe is not fo frequent. I 4 73. That 73. That virtue is its own reward, may be underftood not only in a moral, but an orthodox fenfe of the words alfo. For, according to our divines, that virtue which proceeds from a mere natural good difpofition, or a regard to etbic beauty only, is fo far from having any merit with God, that it is made a doubt, by the thirteenth article of our faith, whether it does not partake of the nature of Jin. So that mere fimple virtue, according to this opinioB, muft take up with its concomitant plea- fure for its reward as no a&ion, which does not fpring wholly from a religious principle, and is not dictated either by our love or obedience to God and does not dire6t itfelf, either actually or virtually, immediately or ultimately, to his glory, can be, in the leaft degree, intitled to the promifes of the gofpel. And thofe miferable ftnners, Socrates, Plato, Seneca, Epi&etus, Titus, and Marcus Aurelius, while they ignorantly meant to have heaped be- nefits upon mankind, were, it feems, according to this fame thirteenth article, but heaping coals of fire upon their own heads. So that were a bimop, now-a-days, to take the trouble of converting one of fuch fellows as thefe, he ought to begin by Gripping him ftark naked of all charity, benevolence, and virtue, and^after he had been left for fome time to cool in that fitu- ation, [ 1.77 ] ation, then put him out to fchool, to fotne cleik of a parifh, to be taught them all over again anew. I hope that the right reverend fathers of the church will now think me fufliciently orthodox, in this paffage, to intitle me to a deanry at leaft. 74. Socrates, in the Phedon, makes a great difference between virtue and habit, with regard to the allotments hereafter. He fays, that a perfon who behaves well, from a moral princi- ple, fh*ll bt imitled to an infinitely higher re- ward, than one who fiHs up the fame meafure of duty merely from ufe or esercife. This is a fine reflexion in a pagan. The chriftian divines carry their diflincYion much far- ther, by giving the fame advantage to religion over morals, thut Socrates does to morals over habit. 75. When the different fpecies of animals are not diftinguifhable throughout, as the afs, the mule, from the horfe the monkey, the ba-, boon, from the man they are apt to (hock and eifguft our fight. The different fexes too in human nature mould be as ftrongly marked as poflible, for the fame reafon. An effeminate man, or a mafculine wo- man, are ftill more offenfive than the former in- I 5 fiances t 178 ] fiances becaufe they hurt a moral too. Hie mulier and beec vir are unnatural concords. 76. I take the errors and abfurdities of the Ro- man catholic tenets and doQrines to have arifen merely from this That as foon as the chriftian religion came to make its way in the world, to be eftabliflied in governments, and endowed with lands, benefices, jurifdi&ions, and other tempo- ral emoluments, certain deifts, or moral hea- thens, began to attack the church, as a mere po- litical inftitution, framed to overturn flates and kingdoms urging, that there appeared to have been no fort of necefTity for a revelation, which :had advanced nothing new or unknown to mankind before, from the pure light of nature and philofophy. Thus then the beft evidence of its divine origin its being but a more rational, corn- pad, and refined fyftem of ethics, introduced with humility, recommended with meeknefs, and pra&ifed with mortification and felf-denial neither inforced with worldly power, nor fubverfive of any laws, natural, moral, or po- litical was pleaded againft it. Upon which the councils of priefts, in thofe days, alarmed for their temporal eftates, power, and dominion, began to convene themfelves toge- ther, in the devil's name, and put every text of fcripture fcripture on the rack, to confefs articles of faith and practice ; of fuch extraordinary natures as the light ofreafon could never have dictated, and which were directly contrary to whatever its lo- gic could ever have fubmitted to fuch as infallibility., trarvfubftantiation, fupererogation, abfolution, indulgence, diffolving of allegiance, temporal jurifdilion, inquifition, corporal pe- nances, and propagating the gofpel of peace and mercy, by the arguments of fire and fword. The infidels were nonfuited .upon this. 77. Algebra is the rnetaphyfics of arithmetic. 78. The ftumbling-block of the Jews, was their miftaking the fecond coming of the Meiliah in-glory, for his firft appearance in obfcurity. They had conceived fuch a vain notion of their deliverer, that they fcarn'd to fubmit their faith to a private perfon, when, they expected an eafthly king.. They may, perhaps, plead fome excufe for this miftake at firft- 'but they appear really to have been a perverfe and Jl iff- necked generation of infidels, who did not fubmit themfelves to the cbur< b of : Rome, when the popes had eftablifhed their temporal kingdom, their abfolute dominion over all the powers of Kurope, and {hewed them, according [ 1 8o ] according to their own opinions, the triumphant jlate of Cbrift upon earth. 79. A fupplement to Bacon's Mythology of the ancients Perhaps the fable of Jupiter's fupplanting his father Saturn, the firft of all the gods, might have arifen from a corruption of the tradition handed down from Adam, that the Son of God was the creator of the world, and all animated beings therein which, in the dark ages of igno- rance in divine myfteries, might have been inter- preted as a fuperfeding of God the Father's pow- ;r, and ufurping the heavens. 80. Another. Peihaps the ftory of Prometheus creating man, bringing fire from heaven to animate him his attempting the chaftity of Pallas, and being condemned to levere pains, in confequence of thefe ads might have alluded to the Logos regenerating human nature, informing it with i he Hoi} Spirit, its entering into the Vir- gin's womb, and fuffering the paffion, for the re- demption of he world. 8 1. Another. 1 wonder much that thofe myftic divines, who *re fond of deducing types of chriftianity, out of the the pagan mythology, have never made :in allu- fion, from Cerberus, with his three bcuds t to the pope, and his triple-crown. The firft guarded the entrance into i' e Ely- fian fields, and the latter affumes the key:> or St. Peter the power of abfolution, excommunica- tion, &c. 82. Another. In the heathen mythology, reported by Avitnui in his celejlial biftory, Jupiter is faid to have placed ed Hercules next to bimfelf, in the heavens, with his heel bruiftng the great ferpent's bead, that had kept pofleflion of the garden. Apply this. 83. Learning is the dictionary t but fenfe the grammar of fcience. ....... ,H-u 84. Art and Science are words frequently made ufe of, but the precifion of which is fo rarely un- derftood, that they are often miftaken for one another. I don't like any of the definitions of the fchools. I met with a diftin&ion, fomewhere, once, comparing fcience to w/f, and art to humour; but it has more of fancy than pbilofopby in it. It ferves to give us, however, fome idea of the dif- ference between them, though no idea of either. I think I' think ihat fcience may be ftiled the know- ledge of imherfals, or abftraft wifdom ; and art is fcience reduced to practice or fcience is rea- fon, and art the mechanifm of it and may be called practical fcience. Science, in fine, is the theorem, and art the problem. I am aware that this objection will be made that poetry is deemed an art, and yet it is not mechanical. But I deny it to be an art nei- ther is it a fcience. Arts and fciences may be taught poetry cannot. But poetry is infpi- ration it was breathed into the foul, when it firft quickened, and fhould neither be ftiled art or fcience, but genius. 85. He who defires more than will fupply the. .competencies of life, except for the fole purpofes , of charity, refpe&s others more than himfelf. - ' For he pays an expenfive compliment to the world as all beyond the firft requifites is expended merely to attract the admiration, or provoke the envy, of his neighbours. 86. Sir Thomas More, and other remarkable perfons, have been cenfured for behaving too lightly at the point of death. But perhaps there is a certain heavinefs of heart, that may occafion a lightnefs of head, and give people the appear- ance of a bravery which they do not fed like that [ 1*3 1 that kind of temerity with which cowaius aie fometimcs infpired by defpair. As this may be the cal'e, a neglett of a proper gravity and decorum, upon fo ferious aru mte- refting an occafion, fhouid no more be imputed to them as a fault, than the deliriums of a fe- ver. I fpeak not here againft chriftian refigrwtion, or philofophic compofure, upon fuch a crifis. 87. I agree with Erafmus, on the fubjeft of the Trinity Satis eft credere. And there- fore, mail never perplex myfelf, either with phi- lofophizing or theologizing about the matter. 88. Pofitivenefs is a moft abfurd foible. If you are in the right, it leflfcns your triumph. < If in the wrong, it adds fhame to your defeat. 89. A fingular perfon may be compared to a, monfler more admired at, than ejleemed. 90. Defire in youth is a pajfion ^in age a vice While it folicits us, it is pardonable but when we gimp for it O mame- ful! 91. Friends may be compared to wine^ th new more pure, and every drop is potable : the [ 1 84 ] the oKi more rich but there are apt to fubfide fome 'regs of age. Quaere? 92. Writings may be compared to wine. Senfe ;s the Jirengtb, but wit the favour. No quaere. 93. St. Evremond is the beft modern ancient I ever read. 94. Probably Providence has implanted pee- vifhnefs and ill temper in fick and old perfons, in companion to the friends or relations who are to furvive ; as it muft naturally leflen the con- cern they might otherwife feel for their lofs. 95. I prefer the Greek epigram to the Latin one. The firft confifts in a natural, but not obvious thought, exprefled with ftrength and de- licacy. The latter has too much paint and con- ceit in it: it has not the true fimplicity of ancient wit. Catullus wrote in the f pi r it of the former Martial in the ghojl of the latter. Almoft all the moderns have generally imitated the Roman poet, becaufe it is the eafieft manner of writing re- quiring lefs wit or genius. -But the former ftile muft be original^ and is incapable of imitation j. or muft fuffer the cenfure of Horace FruJIraque labor at t Aufus idftn. ' 96. Shaftcfbury C 1 85 I 96 Shaftefbury would impofe ridicule on usl, a a teji of truth. He Is, I think, in general, but a flight writer. His arguments are weak, fuperficial, and inconclufive. He was, there- fore, under theneceffity of calling in the auxiliary of wit to his aid, but failed more remarkably in this refource too for I think that be reafons even better than be jejls. 97. Let your pleafures be of choice, not of foitrje. 98. Marriage may be compared tothemonfler Lindamira-Indamora, in Scriblerus different minds united only by the body. But love re- fembles an hermaphrodite, where different fexes are informed with but one foul. I ranfacked all nature to find out more feemly atlufions, to illuftrate my pofition but was o- bliged to take up with thefe, out of nature, after all. """".;'''- :; ' *'. 99. I thought that to forgive our enemies, had been the higheft effort of the heathen ethic but that the returning good for- evil, was an im- provement of the Cbrijlian morality, But I had the mortification to meet with that interloper Socrates, in Plato, enforcing the divine precept of loving our enemies. Perhaps for this reafon, among others, he was ftiki. by Erafmus, a Cbrijlian, before cbrtflianity. 100. There t 1 86 ] 100. There Ihould always be a claufe of divorce in the marriage covenant of princes, in cafe of barrennefs, in order to prevent greater evils. For as poifon has often been made a political ufe of upon fuch occafions, it might poffibly be fome temptation to her majefty to prefcribe herfelf a dofe of adultery, quantum fufficit, in hope of re- moving obftru&ions. For a queen may have reafon to cry out, with Rachel, Give me children, or I die. This expedient may, perhaps, be a natural rea- fon for fo many kings, in biftory, having degene- rated from the fpirit and virtue of their imputed . anceftry.. 101. The Englifh conilitution of flate is com- pofed out of all the ancient politics monarchy, ariftocracy, democracy, and oligarchy the. king, nobles, commons, and privy council. Thefe feveral bodies temper and correct each other, like the four ingredients of punch where, according to the good old catch, " The (harp melts the fweet, and the mild footh* " the ftr.ong."- The firft is the fugar, the fecond the water, the third the fpirit, and the fourth the acid. LO2. There 1 02. There is a maxim, that it if better ten guilty fljould efcape, than one innocent perfon fuffer. This I deny. Humanity, not policy, fpeaks this language. The impunity of even one vil- lain is capable of doing more injury to fociety, than the lofs of even more than one honed man. The laws of war, though fevere, are, however, founded in political jtiftice. If the enemy has got pofleflion of an outwork, no fcruple is made of blowing up the rampart, though part of our ow-n foldiery mould be on duty there. I feel myfelf fhocked on the clofe of this para- graph. This is the firft time of my life that ever I fuffered my philofophy to plead againft my humaniiy. Sed fiat jujlitiay for juftice is humanity. 103. A man's fortune (hould be his rule for fparing, but not for fpending. Extravagance may be fupported, but not juftified, by affluence. 104. A gallows, like the forbidden tree, gives at once both death and knowledge. 105. That truth is hid in a well, and that there is truth in wine, have both the fame import implying that none but fiber perfons fhould be ia- trufted with a fecret. 106.. However 1 06. However arch I may be faid to be in my hints, or free in my allufions, I never remember to have made ufe of any one loofe or obfcene ex- prefiion in my life, and have always difcounte- nanced it in ofhers.- I have ever held the myfteries of the bona dea facred and have fo much of the pagan in me, as to regard love as a deity which leads me to confider grofs language to be a fort of heathen biafphemy. 107. Date obulum Belifarii. I would not have given him a farthing. He deferved not to eat the bread he begged becaufe he begged #. . Was Belifarius a Cbrljlian ? 1 08. Lucretius ftiles the intellect Spiritus un~ guenti fuavis ; and fome other poet for my me- mory is. bad 'calls it Flos Baccbi. I fay, that fpare diet, and clear flues, are Apollo and the Mufes. 109. A criticifm, after the manner of Bentley : Nil habet infoelix paupertas durius in fe, Quam quod ridicules homines facit. JUVENAL. Methinks I never read a poorer Latin fentence than this. Habet is not the proper verb here. It betokeneth betokeneth poffeffson, for which there happens to be no manner df application in this paflage. Eft fhould have been the verb changing the gram- mar. Infcelix paupertas is a falfe metaphor, and can only be fupported by certain figurative modes of fpeech, which critics or rather commentators have framed upon the def efts of ancient literature. Durius is an improper epithet here. It is expreflive of a fenfible quality only. Pejor fhould have been the comparative in this place. Infe Superfluous expletive! This is one of the vices of Metre. >uam quod Two adverbs, both monofylla- b!es, and beginning with a double alliteration al- fo. Bald! Ridiculos homines. Thefe words ought not to have been joined fo clofe together in the fame fentence. It renders the ftbillation of their ter- minations offenfive to the Euphonic ear. Befides, it is quite ridiculous to apply that epithet in this place for poverty may perhaps render a per- fon contemptible, but it muft be his own fault if it mould ever make him ridiculous. Facit. This is but a poor make-fit ft of a verb, and terminates the fentence weakly. Red- dit would have been fuller, and more ex pre nave. no. A HO. A critical diflertation on purpurea nix, after the manner of commentators: Purpurea nix, and purpurea olores, are expref- fions in the claflics. It hath puzzled the anno- tators to account why fnow or fwans mould af- fume the epithet of purple and having no other way tofefoe the difficulty, refofoed among them- felves, that the ancients ufed to ftile all jbright colours, quicquid valdc nitetis, purple. But might not there have been a breed of fwans among them of a real purple colour ? Or might not this defcription have been taken from the cygnets, which are generally of a fufky co- lour, inclining to purple, though non valc-e nitens. Eric Pontoppidan, bifhopof Bergen not ap- zoom in his learned delcription of Norway, fays, that the north fea is blue. In mare purpureum violentior affluit amnis. VlRG. That the ice there is of the fame colour, and was ftiled by the ancients cerulea glacier and that thefnoiu on the tops of their mountains is alfo Muijle, and is therefore commonly called biabren that is, of a colour inclining to purple. I expect that the republic of letters will ac- knowledge great obligations to me, for the inge- nuity of the above cnticifm ; as I do affirm it to be every way as learned and material as many volumes t '9' 1 volumes of commentations that, lam forry to fay, I have moft ftupidly and unprofitably facrificed too much of my irretrievable and imputable time to. in. To have a refpeft for ourfelves, guides our morals; and to have a deference for others, governs our manners, ii a. A regard to decency, and the common punctilios of life, has been often ferviceable in human fociety. It has kept many a married couple unfeparated, and frequently preferves a neighbourly intercourfe, where love and friend- fliip both have been wanting. 113. That ridiculous expreflion, in lord Grim- fton's play of Love in a hollow tree, " Let's here repofe our wearied limbs, till -wea- ried more they be," may be fupported by a paflage in Horace, fati- gatum fomno and by another in Tibulltts, Ilia meos fomno laffos patefacit ocellos. 114 Of all knaves, your fools are the worft becaufe they rob you both of your time and temper. , It 115- It is not the force of friendfhip, but the prevalence of vice, that makes the moderns fo of- ten exceed that admirable rule of the ancients, vjque ad aras. Carry not your friendfhips be- yond the altar. 1 1 6. A definition of what are generally ftiled bargains, is, The buying a bad commodity that you don't want, becaufe you can get it cheaper than a good one when you do. 1 17. The ancient manner of commemorating their gods, heroes, and friends, was by libations, not potations. Would it were trie fame a- mong tbe moderns. Wine is often better fpilt than drank. 1 1 8. Lovers exprefs themfelves properly when they talk of an exchange of hearts. For this inchanting paflion but commutes the characters of the fexes, by giving Jpirit to the nymph, and foftnefs to the fwain, mutually exchanging cou- rage and timidity with each other. 119. Drink never changes, but or\\y flews our natures. 120. Al [ '93 ] 120. AH young animals are merry, and all old ones grave. An old woman is the only antient animal that ever is friiky. 121. A moral, in the ftile of Seneca: It is better to do the idleft thing in the world, than to fit idle for half an hour. 122. When a misfortune is impending, I cry, God forbid but when it falls upon me, I fay, God be prat fed. 123. Courage and modefty are the moft une- quivocal virtues becaufe they are fuch as hypocrify cannot imitate and they have this preperty in common alfo, that they are both ex- prefied by the fame colour. 124. The antients reprefented Saturn under the character of Time, with wings on his moul- ders, and fetters on his feet. This was to mark the fwiftnefs of it to fome, and its flownefs to others- according to this line, vita! Jlulto longa, Japienti brevis. 125. " There will be two women grinding '* at the mill The one (hall be taken, and the VOL. II K other I 194 ] *' other left." The miller's claim to half the corn, for grift, from this text, is as good a plea as many of the pretences of the church of Rome are fupported by. 126. The extravagant encomiums that have been handed down to us from the antient critics, of many of thofe authors whofe works have been long fwallowed up in the gulph of time, and whofe names are commemorated only in their commentaries, might make us lament the iofs of fo much wit, humour, and fine writing, as is there pretended, if the fragments of fome of them, which, by their being preferved, we may reafonably fuppofe to have been thechoiceft parts, did not afford us an opportunity of judging a little for ourfelves. And upon fuch a critical review, I dare fay, that a candid reader wi)l think thofe writings which have happily efcaped to us intire, or even maimed, are worth the whole library of thofe that lie intombed with their authors. Vide Let jugemens des f$avans, par M. Baillet, for five vo* lumes of fuch fort of ftuff. 127. One mould read both antient and mo- dern critics with extreme diffidence, upon the fubjets of literature. The difference, nay the contrariety, of opinions, given by perfons of equal [ IPS I equal judgment, capacity, and learning, upo the very fame work, muft furprize us extremely, if we were not to confider critics to be in the fame fituation with lovers. Smitten with fome features, which another eye might poflibly per- ceive no manner of beauty in, they are apt fond- ly to impute perfection to the whole. So that, in one cafe, as well as the other, the old adage de gujlibus non, may be affirmed. And therefore it is not the judgments or the fenfe of the commentators we have any pretence to re- prehend, but their tafte, their fympathy, their enivremens, only. Let us then always judge, tafte, or feel, for ourfelves, and not be mifled by great names. < '-. ;, ' . /: >H: t \ 128. Among the many curious impertinences of the fchools, there is none that appears to me fo truly ridiculous, as the ftrife about the autho- rity of the works of the antients. Is it the au- thor, or the writing we admire or criticife? But it is ftill the authors we have before us, no mat- ter for their names, when we are commenting upon any work of genius. I do not care one farthing whether Pifander's or Virgil's manufcript Macrobius affirms the firft was the original of the fecond /Eneid or Apollonius of Rhodes the author of the fourth. Whether one Homer, of/even cities, framed the K 2 Iliad C 196 ] Iliad and the Odyfley imire, or only tacked a par- cel of old ballads together, and fung them about 1 * 3 the ftreets of Smyrna Rhodes, Colophon, 4 5 f 7 Salamis, Chios, Argos, or Athens, to the title of "The blind beggar-man's garland. I do not pretend to fay that we have Virgil or Homer before us, when we read thofe works imputed to them. But we have certainly the writers of them which is all we need con- tend for. And I really think that thofe fcbolars who affet a precifion in this very immaterial matter, are not a bit wifer than a very pretty wo- man, who afked me once, with the fweeteft fmile imaginable, Wbo -was the author ofSbake- [pe are's plays? 129. Charles had a fort of philofophy, with- out reflexion, that reconciled him to every thing. Among the other particulars of his life, he was the moft contented cuckold too that ever I knew, and could throw bis horns behind him, like a (lag darting through a hedge. 130. Scaliger tides titillatioti a fixth fenfe. And certainly there is as great a difference, be- tvrcen being tickled and fimple feeling, as be- tween tafle and touch. But [ '97 3 But then the fame overftrained phiiofophy might as well deem the fea to be a fifth element, becaufe it differs fo much from common wafer. For titillation, like the briny wave, is but a ftron- ger or more pungent fenfation one of the ta/je,. tie other of the touch. 131. Maria was fo full of grimace, that me proftituted every feature of her body, but one and that efcapcd, only by her not being able to He a moment Jl ill fc; t';.'i.:{":> ^vjV .132. In part of lord Kaims's Element/ ofcri- ticifm, he fays, that muftc improves the relijb of & banquet. That I deny any more than painting might do. They may both be additional pleafures, as well as converfation is but are perfectly diftin<5t notices ; and cannot, with the leaft propriety, be faid to mix or blend with the repaft, as none of them ferve to raife the flavour of the wine, the fauce, the meat, or help to quicken appetite. But mufic and painting both add a fpirit to devotion, and ele- vate the ardor *. K 3 133. What * See what Triglyph fays'upon *// mrafs. Triumvirate, chap. Ixxiv. E 198 ] 133. What a dread of death muft fome people have, who would rather be dying than dead? 134. A toad, Jed on the vapours of a dungeon, is not fuch a wretch, as a man of fenfe, who has had the misfortune to be heartily in love with a weak or worthlefs woman. Women are apt to be vain of fuch a conqueft ; but more, as the poet exprefles it, for the tri- umph than the prize. For otherwife, a fool they would count greater gain. They ignorantly flat- ter themfelves, that they have been capable of impofing on men of underftanding, when, in truth, it is they who have impofed on themfelves. Their pride will not fuffer them to ima- gine they could ever fuftain a paflion for a fool: fo helping the fair ideot out with their own fenfe and underftanding, they often lend arms againft themfelves, ere they are aware. 4 t fw 135! Lovers are apt to bear through their ey*s. But the fafeft way is to fee through their fan. Who was it fhat faid fpeak, that I may fee you ? 136. A friend of mine was fo onfcientious a wencher, that h always compounded with vice, by taking an old miftrefs. So that though he made an harlot, he did not make a bafiard. 137. Merit, C 199 '] 137. Merit, accompanied with beauty, is a jewel fet to advantage. Quaere ? 13$. Cufrat lex a motto for a lawyer's coach. Fiat juftitia - a paragram for an hangman's cart. 1-39. The moral law, without a fanSion, is like the Englilh code a perfect fyftem of con- ftitution, but wanting a fufficient law to put the whole in force, 140. When I fee Mrs. and her huf- band, I think of a monkey fattened to a log, and playing antic tricks. 141. Tom is a mere adjeftive of fociety, for he cannot fupport himfelf one moment alone nor is he ever fo much as fpoken of fingly, but is tacked always to others, as Virgil introduces Therfilochus, with a copulative at the end of a line : .Glaucumque, Medontaque, Ther- filochumque, Chloreaque, Sybarimque, Daretaque, Ther- filochumque. 142. Modern poets put too mucb -water into their ink. K 4 143. Men [ 200 ] I43 Men are like plants. Some delight in the fun, and others in the [bade. 144. The many, various, and abfurd fyftems of religon, reported from the moft antient hif- tories of the feveral parts of the world, appear to amount almoft to a proof, that there muft have been fome fort of revelation originalry made to our firft parents ; which, handed down to pof- terity, by oral tradition, or, at beft, by types and hieroglyphics, received fuch alterations and corruptions, through the miftakes, the weak- nefles, or finifter arts of man, as made it termi- nate in downright idolatry among the ignorant, and in atheifm with the learned to a cer- tain pitcb of error and prefumpt ion. For had there not been any revelation at all, there would either have been no fort of religion in the world, or a more rational one For, in that cafe, it muft have been deduced, by tra- cing effe&s up to their caufes, as far as the phi- lofophy of the age in which this fhould have hap- pened, might have been able to have reached. And then Deus inter fit. So that the natu- ral philofopher, and the moral reafoner, both joined in one, muft have become a tbeijl. But this probably could never have been the origin of religion, for the following reafon That this philofophic refearch muft have hap- pened [ 201 I pened in later times than ihofe, in which hiftory informs us the many fantaftic modes of antient worfhip had been profefled among all the nations of the earth, even the moft illiterate, ignorant, and barbarous, who never could have taken up the leaft notion of religion from their own pre- mifes or conclusions. 145. There are two forts of moral writers. The one reprefgnts human nature in an angelic light, and the other in a beaftly one. The firft are generally found among the antients ; and the latter intirely among the moderns chiefly the French. They are both wrong. -One argues from the beft, and the other from the worft, of our fpe- cies. Dodor Young has a juft fentiment, in his Centaqr, which reconciles thefe different writers "We cannot think too highly of our fi natures , nor too meanly of ourfel v -.q oT 163. George has fo much impudence in him, that, like the Scythian, he might be faid to be face all over. 164. Kitt was matter of a kind of inverted wit, that confifted in a remarkable quicknefs of mifap- prcbenfan. [ 208 ] prebenfton. He would often pretend to mif- take Come one word in a fentence, for any other of a fimilar found, and by commenting, or running a parody on it, contrive to throw the fpeaker into an embarrafTment. 165. A lie is defperate cowardice. It is to fear man, and brave God. 1 66. I never drink 1 cannot do it, on equal terms with others. It cofts them only one day but me three the firft in fin-. ning, the fecond in foffering, and the third in repenting. 167. Sight is by much the nobleft of the fen- fes. We receive our notices from the other four, through the organs of fen fat ion only. We hear, we feel, we fmell, we tafte, by touch. But fight rifes infinitely higher. It is refined above matter, and equals the faculty offpirit. 168. To put ourfelves in other perfons placesy would obviate a great deal of the jealoufies and refentments we are too frequently fenfible of to- ward them ; and to put others into ours, would confiderably abate the pride and haughtinefs of ourfelves. 169. Freethinkers C 169. Freethinkers are generally thofe whenever think at all. 170. Sir Ifaac Newton ufed to fay, that it was mere labour, and patient thinking, which had enabled him to invert! gate the great laws of nature. Hear this, ye blockheads, and go ftudy. And becauie I know how much a good ex- ample is apt to influence, I will begin a courfe myfelf, as ibon as I have wrote FINIS ESSAIARUM, SENTIMENTORUM, CHARACTERIUM, A T CLU E CALLIMACHORUM. iu*:*J in A - MEMORABILIA: AND REMARKABLE SAYINGS, I N LIFE, LITERATURE, AND PHILOSOPHY. COLLECTED TOGETHER, B Y TRIA JUNCTA IN UNO, M, N. A. PART III. SFARSA COBGI. >Z-U V 1STIJ ;K- .VH iQ^OJIH- 3 PREFACE. GREGORIO Leti wrote as many book* as he was years old. Homer divided the Iliad and the Odyfiey into as many books as there are letters in the Greek alphabet. Hero- dotus numbered his books after the mufes. And if ever Wilkes mould commence an author, he will never (lop, probably, till he has publiftiod volumes forty-jive. From all which premifes, I think it muft ap- pear pretty plain to the intelligent reader, that Trio yunfla in Una ought to divide his work into three parts, in allufion to his name which you fee I have accordingly done. And for this reafon I make not the leaf? man- ner of fcruple to prefer myfelf before all and every of the above named authors not only on account of my work being fo much (horter than any of theirs, but principally in compliment to the number three, which you know or [ 214 1 or ought tb\now . to be the completed fum rn arithmetic. To odd numbers, in general, the ancients attributed certain charms or powers but three ftands the foremoft of them all as it is the firft that is capable of the aft or potency of mul- tiplication. If you would be more deeply learned upon this fubje&, confult my eflay on this fame num. ber. Though I am not quite fure whether I fhall afford you an opportunity of doing fo, in the courfe of this work, or no That will de- pend intirely upon my having, or not having, fufficient notes to finifh this volume without it. Three was the number of the Graces, the Furies, the Fates, the Syrens, the Gorgons, and the Graeae thofe infernal hags, who had but one eye, and one tooth, among them, which they ufed to borrow, by turns, as they were to fee company, or chew their cud. When I fpeak of the Syrens, I only mean the three of them that are now alive namely, Aglaop, Aglaop, Pifinoe, and Thelxiop There had been a fourth among them originally the dear Parthenope my favourite, of them all. They were the daughters of Melpomene. She got them, merely to divert her melan- choly by whom, I really have forgot. They had been, all four, maids of honour to the princefs Europa, when the divine bull car- ried her off. The chafte, the tender Parthe- nope was fo mocked at the rape, that me took &rief, and died. Her miftrefs had, happily, a ftronger conftitution. Or, pofiibly, a rape may fometimes offend thofe who are not ravi {hi- ed, more than thofe that are. Geryon had three bodies, Cerberus heads enough for them all ; and Solomon as many op- tions. There were three Triumvirates Csefar, Pompey, and Craffus-^ Auguftus, Anthony, and Lepidus and Andrews, Be- ville, and Carewe. This laft is formed by one Triglypb too. Apollo had his tripod, and Neptune his tri- dent. One, two, three, and away, was the note for darting at the Olympic races. And the an- cients C cienU fcfed to call thrice upon every corpfe, to know if it could Jlart any objection to its being interred. Which naturally leads me to Hades, or Ades, the old-fafhioned region of diftribution, accord- ing to our good or bad deeds. It confided of three provinces Erebus, Tartarus, and Ely- fium Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory. It had its tbrte judges too Minos, ^Eacus, and Rhadamanthus. Its three rivers alfo Phlegethon, Cocytus, and Acheron. With many other triads, too numerous and inconfider- able to mention. In the midft of above enumerations tripartite, it occurred to me to mention the pope's triple- frown, among the reft. But I fuppofed that this emblem had its allufion and 1 was re- folved to reftrift myfelf intirely to fable. With regard to the following collision, I think I need not trouble you with any manner of preface about it ; for the very title of it fuffi- ciently explains the nature of the defign. I thought that a compilation of this kind, might be not only an entertainment to the public, [ 2 '7 ] public, but alfo, in fotne inftances, improv- ing. Adieu That ye may thrice happy be, prays your tkrice obliged, and thrice humble fervant, TRIA JUNCTA IN UNO, VOL. II. n.'ufi v\--,i\ bnr ** THE KORAN. MEMORABILIA. i . /^OROASTER, fays Pliny, was re- *-J ported to have laughed on the day of his birth. Sir Thomas More laughed in the hour of death. Which was the moft extraordinary? t 1. Publius Syrus fays, that a woman knows no medium between loving and bating. 3. There were famous women of all the phi- lofophic fe&s but infinitely a greater number are recorded of the Pythagorean fchool though it inioined////Kr. and the keeping of fecrel$. . J . J FjH>v/ 6 jJfr t>n .d 'JsOrn/ri no vAtV Ui >?.& b. : 4. John Weaver, in his hiftory of ancient mo- numents, publifhed in the year 1630, quotes L 2 the '[ 220 ] % rfvr * - " % c' l< the following prophecy from an holy anchorite in king Etbelred's time: " Englyfhmen, for as much as they ufe lo " dronkelewnes, to treafon, and to rechlefnefs of *' Goddes hous, firft by Danes, and then by " Normans^ and atte thirde time by Scottes, they " ifiall b,e ovefcona7?' . r 1 J\ Ji \J 4t. vll A 1 Jl 5. Monfieur Sainclyon, in his life of Tamer- lane, fays, that in a certain Perfian nation, of the province;Qf t Cfyjir^/W, tke people a,ije all born with a mufical voice; and that thechildrens moan ' or cry in the .cradle, is perfect!y_meJocl!oi.is This rhuft be owing ,for I would ajways rather account for, than difpute, a thing .tp thp peculiar fituation of the country, which may poffibly have the effeft of modulating the air. In hilly countries, the elaftic fpring of that ele- ment communicates a certain 'fhf illnefs, or fharp accent, to whatever found if reverberates. In Wales, the dogs bark with an ear-piercing tone : and perhaps with a brogue, as Mrs. Digherty .- -it jjfi v inilr; Jud fays, in Ireland. 6. The laft words that Nero uttered, after he had done but jnttice on himfelf, were O what an excellent harper dies this day ! J. My 7. My taylor in London ufed to let his pipe flow all day, by way of lulling himfelf with the found of a water-fall. -,-'\ . \ ; -. ' ' i 8. That dukes would be minifters of ftate ! and that coblers {hould keep holy-days ! 9-. In the Rabbinical account of the Jewifh trials and pun'tfhments for adultery,, there is one, very curious particular:. They give the woman a potion, eompofed by the prieft, called: aqua ztlotypiee., or the water of jealoufy. If fhe had been guilty, it poifoned her forthwith without benefit of Clergy. But if in- nocent, it increafed her health and fruitfulnefs., What fine juggling there muft have Been? And if the hufband happened to have teen- guilty, in the fame way himfelf, the draught had no ill effect on the woman, though fhe had been ever fo culpable. Natural juftice, this. i s\ i^j'ft' ,iff4fii.riMii{f5 oT .i3V s ' ro. The Spanifh inns make a charge for noife always in their bills, whether you make any r i,.. j. ft; . Torssi I*T. i<] fitv, jcriT* r },r.^.nJ|>^t01prf 5 -,h ii. The brfhop of Beauvois, who fucceeded car^- dinal Richlieu, as premier, in France, propofed to the Dutch, that they {hould all turnPapifts,or L 3 be [ 222 ] be turned out of the alliance with the grand mo- narcb. 12. Lewis the Fourteenth, though a king, re- warded merit, and encouraged literature. 13. The two laft letters in Sbibboletb would be as good a left of an Jrijhman y as the two firft were of the Epbraimites. 14. The Athenians always caft their children into the fea, that happened to be born with any manner of defect or deformity. 1 prefer my own fcheme in the Callimacbies to this. See N 5 8. 15. Inter fe is an idiom, in the Latin, which ilgnifies, from each other ; though both the gram- mar and dictionary of that language would render it, among tbemfehes which is the very reverfe. 1 6. To Grammarians, linguifts, nurfes, and philofophers, greeting: What can be the reafon, that all the little chil- dren of Great Britain and Ireland univerfaliy fay Me, for I? Me love you Me is fleepy Me is hungry ? &c. This /Ehis cannot be imitation For l.he moft illite- rate parent, nurfe, or fervant, always fay /. . r-B-y. The .ancients have de.piQed Gupid and SomnuSjfo alike, that they, are rust to be diftiriT guifhed, hut by their emblems. Surely they could not mean 3 by this equivoca- tion, that Iwe was but a dream,, uhich yanifhes into air, as (ban as we awaken to our lenies. i -ad bu# ; ^uil-^-o luljA.ni h n \io.:. t-:li y, '<'. iB. The Devir is- Milton's .hero. Ovid feems to have been as partial to the old giants. 19. Spence, in his Polymetis f fays, very grave- ly, that the giants were not fo eaftly conquered, ... at might have been expefled. And again, that fome poets had defcribed that affair ' t as attended wuh more difficulty than they ought. ao. Spence fays alfo, that Statius defcribe* Minos and ./Eacus fitting in judgment, to aflift Pluto and adds,, but it tnuji have been only oc- cafionally, 21. Adad was the greateftofthe Aflyrian gods. i Is this what we mean, when we fwear adad? L 4 22. Lord 22. Lord Kaims,v in his Elements ofCrrticrffta, hints, that brutes might become rationai, if the ufe of fpeech was communicated to them. Pray, are parrots or magpies raiMra>l? Women are, wfc know ^ bul would' they be lefs fo> if they fpoke lefs? taf^jaa Uu &>r; y>ui . 23. Androcles was the name of the perfon who led the tame lion about the ftrcets of Rome See the ftory of it in Aulus Gellius; and be- lieve if, if you can. ii^-jfe 24. The expreflion in Shakefpeare, of fack and fugar, is not fo abfurd as it founds. Pat fugar to fack, and it gives it a brift, lively fla- vour, that cures it of that heavy, luicious taftc, which it has in its own natural 3- ri; I its js .- 25. Sir Ifaac Newton was mistaken in hi* philofophy of vegetables being nourifhed by moif- tufe. It is only the whiclt. The pabulum, 6r incremettfumt is received from the earth. I am fotry that his poflulatum is not true. * It would have deftroyed the aflfertion of the atheifts, that this world was from all eternity. Had plants taken their augment from moifture, and then perilhdd into earth, there could not have fubfifted fuch an element as water now in nature. [ 225 ] nature. Therefore the Mofaic .hUlpry, of the world's having been made in iime^ muft have been true. It might alfo have fuggefted a philofophical proof of this world's being finally to be destroyed by fire. For heat will increafe, in proportion to the decreafe, of moifture. 26. A certain Venetian, a perfon of polite learning and fine tafle, was fo flruck with the re- fined difference between Catullus and Martial, in their epigrams, that he ufed to perform an an- nual ceremony in his library, on each returning day of Catullus's mortuity, in which he facrificed a volume of Martial's works to the manes of his favourite author. -ou rioi!i:n T.in s/m oi3'.y ; .*'.] sdi .it 27. It has been remarked, that men are often moft flrongly attached to women who have not one valuable or amiable quality to recommend them. The argument fpr which rmjft then be, that if a man happens to fall in love without any reafon t he can nevtr -have any re a/on for ceaf-. ing to love. 28'. George has lately obtajped a peerage. He was lit tie, hut would be lefs fo purchased a title, and became more contemptible. L 5 29, Pifh- [ 226 ] 2g. Fifh- women cry Noble oyfters. They certainly are full as noble as any family blazoned out in Collins's peerage. If not of as ancient an boufe, of as old a bed at lead. And to fhew their richnefs too, pearls and they are 30. The deriving of families from ancient times, merely from the found or fimitarity of names, as is done in all books of heraldry, puts me in mind of Swift's conceit, in prov- ing th antiquity of Bees, from the Hivitet, a race of people mentioned in the Old Tefta- ment. ejhow. '. i;tiKN < ;>:rmjsvf t 31. The Jews were the firft nation up- on record who introduced an attention to ge- nealogy. They had a reafon for it, both in their law and in their gofpel. But after the coming of our Savioar,. one mould conclude all fuch fuperftition to have been at an end as St. Paul fays, " Neither give " heed to fables, and endlefs genealogies, which " minifter queftions, rather than godly edifyings." And again " But avoid foolifh queftions " and genealogies.'* 32. The [" 2*7 ] ' jV The Beggar's Opera was written in order to run down the Italian ones. But it is of late become theobjetof its own ridicule. They have fo carbonaded and fritterellied it, that it is new neither one thing nor the other an Ehglifh, nor an Italian opera. They are, at length^ become allies, and hobble en pair. - ; ;. . ''$3- "Trie circumftance of Robert difcovering hfs father, William the Conqueror, at an en- gagement in Normandy, juft as he was going to kill him, their reconciliation in the fight of both armies, &c, would be a .fine fituation for an afr fe&ing tragedy, jit ,.?ill flail 3L;/>5#' 4 fiiO -tn, .'Ii r. I f\ '\ J * * 34. A friend of Sir Thomas More's offered him the choice ; T t: r , : 'j.i; r' I Nec carus aeque, nee fuperftes Integer ? e9n^i*aOiis eeii-ii .+* * T\T- Mor. L. 2. Od. 17. ,.yA-j.|^\ l"t* Pleafe to obferve Tere, that .Paddy Horace fays his friend is part of himfelf ; and that if this fame part mould be taken away, the remainder '*' attefa wou'lji not be the what?- ^ integer. Now if any modern author had written the abdve paflage, would not the Englijb critics flil'ed ^ -* 39. There is another paflage too in this au- thor, which may like wife be carped at, but that it U is not certain whether the error is to be imput- ed to the writer or tranfcriber moft probably to the latter, becaufe that fo fmaU an erratum would fet it right. Quid terras alio calentes Sole mutarmis? Patriae quis exul Se quoque fugit? Lib. 2. Od. 1 6. Here the fenfe is deficient in the firft fentence becaufe the commutation is not propofed and the expreflion abounds with a pleonafm in the fecond. Tor exul comprehends patrite. But change this laft word into patrid, and join it to the firft fentence ? let us fee how it will ftand upon this alteration. . > Quid terras alio calentes Sole mutamus patria? Qnis exul c f . v ns:do oj ahsH Se quoque fugit f You fee that the deficiency is by this means fupplied in the firft part, and the abundance r- fcinded in the latter. 40. Pere Rapin fays, very juftly, of moft of the Italian writers, that they ftrive raiher to fay things wittily, \\\znnaturally. But both French and Englifh authors have frequently the fame Look. [ 23* ] Look back' to number 35 > for the commence- ment of this vicious ftile of writing. 41. The Apollo Belvidere is confeffedly the fined: ftatue in the known world. How could the very ingenious Mr. Spence, in his Palymetis t miftake his figure and expreflion, juft after hav- ing (lain the Pjlbon, for a fimple Apollo Venator? 42. Who need ever be vain of a poet's praife, when it isyo notorioujly known that the mufes fang a funeral elegy on the death of this fame ferpent Python, flain by Apollo,, their very god ? 43. In philofophy it is faid, that eunuchs bear wine better than men do. The philofopher then who claimed the prize of drinking, for being the firft drunk, did howour to his gender. i rj.-M Liften to this, ye jovial country fquires, and never boaft again of being able to carry off a greater- Quantity of liquor -~- 1 think that is the phrafe than other men. 44. St. James fays, Count it all joy t when you fall into clivers temptations. v. A ^ ( 45. By the inftitutionsof Lycurgus, therigour of the Spartan difcipline, both in apparel and diet, was relaxed in time of war. 46. There [ 232 ] 46". There be fix things, in phyfic, (tiled non- naturals. And what do you think they are i 1 Even the mod natural things in nature diet evacuation air -exercife fleeping and waking. ~-fit j ^ " -\i - ' ">> 47. In the Harleian Mifcellany, volume the firft, and page firft the preamble there is this expreflion : " To fhew that when Gvd is on " our fide, neither the power, nor the policy " of man, is able to do us harm." What a deep reflexion! How many volumes of fermons have I feen wrote in the fame way ! 48. The capital of Rome was fo called, be- eaufe that a man's head which might have been a woman's, for aught they knew the gender does not lie there happened to have been dug out of the foundation. Frbm this hint, the Augurs prophefied, that Rome mould become the capital of the world. You may fee what fort of reafoners priefts mud have been from the beginning. Rome was ftiled alfo the tniflrefs, not the maf- //rt>Fthe world. Which feems fufficiently to juftify my furmife, above hinted, about tbt bead. 49. Madnefs [ 23$: -::] ."49- Madfnefs is eonfift en t~ which- is more than catt be faid for poor reafon. Whatever may be the ruling paflion at the time, continues equal- ly fo throughout the whole delirium though it (houW laft for life* Madmen are always constant in love ; which no, man /* bis Jenfes ever was. Our paffions and principles are fteady in phrtniy ; but begin to fhift and waver, as we return to reafon. OL;1 9il TO. {Wt>!|y|'3ift ()' fIJr! .1 ' < 50y If i a hard cafe, that the laws mould not have made ny manner of diffs.rence-, between murdering an honeft man, and only executing a fcoundrel. I really think that thefe things mould always be rated ad -valorem. 51. Pliny fays, that the crocodile increafes in ftrength to its latett age, and dies in full vigour. This would be a good poetical ft mile for ava- riefy which " Grows with our growth, and ftrengthens '* with our weakness." -hi!ofopher, was the per'fon tHat iriitiated Socrates into the pbilofipbia amatoria, which the Flatohat afterwards extoll'C'd fo highly. 63. 1'heahb, another female philofopher, ufed fo adVife frtarfied women fo lay a/ietejbame tvitb fbeir dial bs. This brotbel-tnaxim is finely reprehended by the cha(te Plutarch, who fays, that.wew ougftl never lo 'be na'ked^ for ajben tbcy put off tbeir garmentf, they Jbould cloalb (be'mfthes with mo- 64. The 3 64. The fame Theaoo told Timjaeonides, who had often reviled her, that not with (landing his unkindnefs, {he always fpoke wdl of him but,, had the luck ftill to find that her panegyric had the fame fate with his fetire to be equally difcredited. Prior and others have ftole-n epigr-ams fr-orn this expreflion. " YOU always fpeak ill of me, " I always fpeak well of thee. " But fpite of all our noifeand po.ther, " The world believes nor one nor t'other." PRIOR. 65. I knew a man who was governed by no one principle in the world but fear. He had no manner of objection to going to church, but left the devil might take it ill. 66. The learned are not yet Agreed, whether an olympiad contained four or five years. :~r The luftre is happily out of difpute, and fixed at five. d u> 01 .-.if: 0153(1 ffcwn J*2:nci/ r 67. How children come to be marked, befpr,e they come into the world, b,y an iniprefljpn made only on the fight of the mother, is inexplicable by philpfop.hy. Nay, philofophy denies the facl;, but but leaves the contingency of it rather a gi eater my fiery. 68. Women entered originally into the Olym- pic games but fome confufion happening once on their accounts, they were forbidden to ap- pear there for the future, on pain of death, if found difguifed. Yet a woman, named Berenice, did after- wards venture her life, for the mere pleafure of wreftling and boxing there and won the prize. She could not conceal her triumph: which coming to the judges ears, they ordered, that thenceforward all athletics mould be performed naked. This, my author, who is a joker, fays, pre- vented their entering the circus for the future, but made them all crowd to the ring. 69. Solon deprived parents of all paternal au- thority over baftards. The reafon he gave for it is curious That as they were only fathersyor their own pleafure, this fbould be their only re- ward. Married men feem here to be unfavourably diflinguifhed by Solon as mere drudges in the vineyard. 1 fuppofe Solon had an ugly wife. 70. Huchefon, I 239 ] "70. Huchefon, in his philofophic ireatife on beauty, harmony, and order, plus's and minn^s you to heaven or hell, by algebraic equations fo that none but an expert mathematician can ever be able to fettle his accounts with St. Peter and perhaps St. Matthew, who had been an officer in tbe cujlems, muft be called in to audit them. f!f in ir!^-T !;: i jjr'j l/jar- iht--- s.v -q *>' j>- 71. The pfeudomenos, a problem among the ftoics a quibble merely in words*. 72. The anacampferotes a certain root- the touch of which i* faid to reconcile lovers. 03q\fj> -irtev-jiq. o; ^ii IK v-jlnaqimq ?H) b'.;nil~ S n '73- '' I-ycuTgus was the perfon who colkfted together all the works of Homer in Afia Minor, and brought them mtoOreece. om aril ol fK>j:Plafo would exclude aH tiie poets from his ; common wealth. -^-Obfefve here the difference between a perfon who had formed a real Jiate, and one who had framed only an ideal one, ^U^aMl Ifc*- a.ici n .-f jf^f^a? V 'fi-'^ '> Uf ''^iroii j 74. Harmonides, a difciple of Timotheus, afked his mafter, one day, how he fhould condud himfelf, ifi order: to obtain the prize of mufic, at a public opera that was then to be performed. "If C 240 ] ** If the theatre be thin, fa id the old iellow, ** play your be(t-r for the audience naay proba- -** bly be fele& and judicious. But to a crowded " houfe, be fure to play as ill as you can be- " caufe *he multitude have Midas* ears." Harmonides, like other young people, aflctd advire, which he meant not to take exerted all his talents excelled every competitor -.., - loft the prize and died that very night of the mortification he had received by not taking the old fage's counfel. ^5. There is an original .neceflity in our na- ture to determine our/elves.-^- Pr.ovidence has im- planted this propensity in us, to prevent fufpen- fion of aSion, where reafons may be wanting, or equipoifed, In the moft indiffere-Rt cafes, !\y.e are apt io feel an inclination to favour one fide of a question more than the other. Two men boxing, two horfes running, two cocks fighting, two dogs fnarling even two fimwomen fcoiding ."* though all equally unknown one will naturally take part with one or the other . rrrWe m#ft de- termine ourf elves. . . Two competitors for a crown appear on the theatre of war together. Even their very names fhall dcc'de the point, with regard to us, un- knowing 01 iheir refpetive titles or merits. It was [ 2 4 I ] was morally impoffible to have remained indiffe- rent, between Meer Jaffeir and Coffim Ally Cawn, two rival nabobs, fome time ago. 1 vowed fealty to the latter ; and my wife, whe- ther through loyalty or perverfenefs, always took part with the firft againft us. And if the ftrife mould happen to be between a man and a woman, the refpeflive fexes mail take different fides in the contention though not always on the part of their refpe&ive genders for women are fometimes partial to a woman, merely becaufe fhe is one but offerer to a man, for the fame reafon. No matter for the motives we labour under a pbyjtcal necejffity of determining ourfehes. In fine, there is but one ftruggle between man and woman, in which both men and women equally wifh fuccefs to one fide only to which party I need not fay. For as my readers muft be either male or female, I fhall refer the decifion to their joint concurrence. < 76. Brutus was originally a name of con- tempt, given firft to Lucius Junius, by Tarquin, on account of his pretending madnefs and folly, in order to efcape the notice and jealoufy of that tyrant, who had put his father and brother to death. VOL. II. M Viitue C 242 1 "Virtue can render the meaneft name great and vice turn the greatest into contempt.- Liften, ye plebeians and ye peers ! 77. Margaret de Valors, queen of Navarre, was ftiled a tenth mufe, and a fourth grace. 78. Solon faid, that if all men were to caft their misfortunes into one common heap, every, perfon would rather take up his own lot again, than accept an equal (hare with the reft. This is an odd expreffion for as he makes the reflexion general, it is as much as to fay, in effect, that every one's evils were left when put in, and greater when taken out. This might be true of fame, but could not poffibly be fo of all. 79. Plafo faid of Dionyfius's court, at his re- turn from Sicily, on his being afked what he ob- ferved remarkable there Vidi mcnfirum in natura, bominem bis faturatum in die. By faturatum he meant merely eating, not drink- ing. What would he have faid, had he lived in modern times, and leen not only two meals, but two debauches, in the larne day ! 80. In [ 243 I 80. In the life of Henry prince of Wales, there is a curious ftory told, of a fpeech made by a pope, who filenced a prieft for preaching doc- trines contrary to tbe catholic faith. The man defended himfelf, by faying that he had advanced nothing but the gofpel, and the word of God. To whith his bolinefs replied, that this was, in effeft, to fubvert the catholic re- ligion. 81. Tiberius was the perfon who offered a premium for the invention or contrivance of any new pleafure. 82. Providence has fupplied the body with refremment and medicine, in the animal, vege- table, and mineral world and to our minds he hath given, both for relief and cure, religion, mufic, and the fciences. Whether I write the above obfervation from reflexion or r (collection, I do declare, moft inge- nuoufly, that I cannot be certain this moment. Memorandum that memory is apt to for- & 83. Ludovicus Jacob fays of Pontus de Thiard, who was both a b.mop and a poet, that his erudi- tion was too univerfal for the firft, and too pro- found for the latter. M 2 84, Balzac [ 244 1 84. Balzac faid that Virgil had prevented Taflb from being the firft epic poet of Italy, but that Taflb had prevented him from being the laft. 85. It is reported of Sebaftian, a very good Latin poet, that he could feldom avoid fpeaking in verfe, in his common converfation. In general, warm people, as poets naturally are, fpeak ufually in blank verfe except they flutter. " I lifp'd in numbers for the numbers came." 86. The Count de Bonarelli, an Italian noble- man, had parted through a regular courfe of di- vinity and philofophy, and diftinguifhed himfelf in both thefe ftudies. He was afterwards taken from thofe purfuits, and employed by the great duke of Ferrara, in fixteen embaflies of (late; in all which he ac- quitted himfelf with great addrefs, both as a pdli- tician and a minifter. He had never written one line of poetry in his life, till he was about threefcore years of age ; when having retired from public bufinefs, he undertook, for his arnufement, a paftoral poem, which he executed with a fame equal to Guarini's Paftor Fido and Taflb's Amintai. 87. The t 245 ] 87. The covetous man is poor but the con- tented one rich faid Bias the philofopher. 88. Solon built a city in Cilicia, which ht named Sole it, and peopled it with a colony from Athens; who mixing with the natives of the country, corrupted their language, and werefaid iojolacife. Diogenes Laertius gives us this de- rivation for the word foltccijm. 89. Simonides, a very fweet Greek poet, was fo affefted about the nicety of his expreflion, that being to mention mules, upon fome occa- fion, he {riled them daughters of marts. Upon which Diogenes rallied him, by afking whether they were not daughters of ajjes as well.' 90. In Plato's Phedon, Socrates fays, that while the foul is immerfed in matter, it /loggers, Jlrays, Jrets, and is giddy, like a. man in drink. There is a pafiage in the Pfalms, from whence one muft be almoft certain he muft have borrowed this image They reel too and fro, and. fagger, like a drunken man, and are at their wits end. Pfalm 107. verfe 27. Here, not only the fimile is the fame, and the exprelfion almoft fo as near as different tran- (lations of the fame text, not performed by the, Septuagint, can be fuppofed to approach rbut M 3 the < [ 246 ] the very occafions are parallel alfo. The firft defcribes the (late of the foul, under the incum- brances of corporeal affe&ions, and the latter fpeaks of men unafiifted by grace. 91. Plato allowed mirth and wine to old men, but forbad them both to young ones. To be mer- ry and wife, might have been a proverb deduced from this law. But Plato's reafon was truly philofophic that while our natural chearfulnefs and fpirits remain, we mould never ufe incitements. To fpur a free borfe, foon makes a jade of him. 92. Antigonus faid, &>ui Macedonia regern eru- Jit, omnes etlam fubditos erudit. their future colours there. There [ 259 1 There appears to be fomething more here, I confefs, than mere fecsnd caufes requifite to ac- count for fuch a phenomenon. 135. In a French book I was reading fome time ago, I met with;a ftupid cxercife of wit, of which I give you here a fpecimen, merely be- caufe it is new, in a diftich of French verfe, wrote in the following manner: O c ! d a m c d f f- , P p f- d- d f- c Another, in Latin verfe. O m t-- 1 m p--- u v, S , e- q f- e t- d f- ! Another, in Englifti. F f- m g , t i a c ; A-- f u t , t-- d r If you have nothing elfe to do, try to puzzle thefe out. It will be better than drinking, or falling afleep, or fretting becaufe you have not a thoufand pounds a year. 136. The following inscription, taken from Alderfgate, is a conceit of the fame kind with the former but much more foolifh, becaufe more ingenious and difficult. The language is Latin. Qu Qu an tris di c vul ftra os guis ti ro um nere vit. H fan chris mi t mu la If you have a turn for riddling, I (hall leave you to amufe yourfelf with the above laborious dulnefs, after you have difpatched the former carrity-witcbefs. 137. I knew a common fellow once who had been born a fool. He was an excellent labourer,, and, barring accidents^ the beft verbal meflenger in the country where he lived. While he was receiving his inftru&ions, he ufed always to. hold one fund on the oppofite ear, left the directions mould (leal through, it and the inftant you had done, he would clap his other hand upon the liftening ear, and run off with the (lory to the perfon appointed to receive it. But if, by accident, he happened to fall, or was any otherwife obliged to take off either of his hands from his ears, he immediately loft all remembrance of the mefiage, and would return back, crying, for frefh inllrutions. 138. The beft account for the belief of mira- cles has been given by Gil Bias. He fays, that the marvellous ftrikes the imagination', and ivben once that has been gained over, the judgment has no longer fair play. 139. A [ 261 ] 139. A curious fentence I once met with, I don't know where Mundus ipfe, qui ob anti- qiiitatem deberet ejffe fapiens, femper Jlultizat, et Hulltf Jiagfllit alteratur ; fed, ut puer, vult rafts ft floribus coronari. 140. Vitam regit fortuna, non fapientia. This is a very bad moral, and I wonder how the author of Tully's Offices could fuffer it to efcape him. 141. Lycurgus, in order to confirm his efta- blifhment for ever, took a journey to Delphos, on pretence of confulting the oracle; firft oblig- ing the king, fenate, and people, in an oath, not to alter the (late till his return. He then retired into voluntary exilement for life. What a deal of virtue and fimplicity muft they have had in thofe days ! 142. Ex fenfibus ante csetera homini taclus, deinde guflatus reliquis fuperatur a multis Aquilae clarius cernunt Vultures faga- eius odorantur liquidiusaudiuntTalpas, obrutrr terra. Plin. Nat. Hid. 143. Maria is the only woman in the world whom fmiles become not. She is beautiful when grave, [ 262 ] grave, but looks like an ideot whenever (he laughs. If I was her lover, I fhould be conftantly pick- ing of quarrels with her, in order to preferve my conftancy. For the maxim of amantium irte t fcfr. is moft peculiarly applicable here. 144. How imperfect muft the (late of ortho- graphy have been, when there was no more dif- ference between the numerals that exprefs four, and two hundred, than *? and "T ! 145. Homer, Hefiod, ^fop, the Seven Wife Mafters, as they are ftiled, and the Sybils, were all born under the Affyrian, called the firft mo- narchy. 146. Had all poflible mufical tones been ex- haufted by nature, that me was forced to fuffer the raven to croak, the owl to fcreech, the pea- cock to fcream, and the hog to grunt or fqueel ? 147. The emperor Adrian, who wrote the familiar verficles to his foul, and was a perfon of furprizing knowledge and literature, for a king, perferred Cato to Cicero, and Ennius to Vir- gii- 148. Septimius 148. Septimius Severus, the nineteenth Ro- man emperor, died at York, in Great Britain. There wasfomething moft remarkably amiable in this perfon. His fon Caracalla attempted to flay him, juji after he bad declared him bis fuc- ceffor, but was prevented by his guards. The good old man refented only, but revenged not, the intended parricide ; and retiring into his palace, fell ill immediately, and died of grief. I admire the philofophy in him ibstfofgaw, but more love the nature in him that felt. 149. Conftantius, the laft of the pagan Roman emperors, and father of Conftantine the Great, died alfo at York. 150. Heliogabalus, though a fad dog, instituted one very favourable, and therefore juft t law which was, the eftablifhing a female jurifdic- tion t to fit in judgment upon all trials relative to the fex. I think that fuch a fupplement is much want- ed in our own conftitution. How can a female culprit be faid to be tried by her peers, without a female jury? But upon all indictments for raviih- ment, particularly, I would have women only impanelled. For the bufinefs, upon fuch oc- cafions, ought undoubtedly to be, rather to ex- amine the accufer, than to try the accufed. Now Now girls often give themfelves great airs about being ravifhed, though nothing might have been farther from their thoughts at the time. They might perhaps have been fo, in a natural fenfe, though not in a legal one which is all I pretend to contend for. And how is it poflible for a man, or even twelve men y to declare, upon their confciences, under which of thc-fe predica- ments the evidence might have laboured? Women then, moft certainly, muft be the beft judges, in thefe myfteries of the bona dea, and can quicker difcover whether the teftimony arife from a fpirit of chaftity, of extortion, or exte- nuation of the juror's own frailty. And a man ought only to be condemned upon the firft cate- gory. ^For if the fa<5t itfelf mould be thought fufficient to convict him, his holinefs the pope himfelf muft infallibly fuffer. 151. In the fourteenth century, one Nicolao Gabrini di Rienzi, one of the lowed of the peo- ple of Rome, had fpirit and ambition enough to conceive a defign of comparting the Sovereignty of the city and without money, friends, alliances, or military force, by the mere dint of oratory and perfeverance, he did at length effec- tually obtain his object, and arrived alfo to fuch a pitch of power and influence, as to awe feveral of of the potentates of Europe, and to be admitted an arbitrator of kingdoms. 152. Even fo late as near the beginning of the fixteenth century, a certain prieft, having met with this paflage, in fome Greek author, o v*s >fsof'wifdom t .\sfa\& to have caft away her N 4 pipe*.. [ 27* 1 pipe, upon being told by her maids of honour that it ufed to difcompofe her features and would never fuffer herfelf to be ferved, as all the other goddefles had fo notorioufly been, for fear of fpoil- ing her ftiape. 169. A friend of mine once had conceived a ' particular averfion lo perfons who had been born with red hair. He carried this ftrange prejudice to an extravagant length. He ufed to fay, that he could never confide in a friend or a miftrefs of this complexion for that the men were falfe, and women frifky. An inftance or two of this kind had determined his philofophy, with as much reafon as the jockey, in an old ftory, had for the reverfe who hav- ing once met with a good horfe, who happened to be cropt-eared, pronounced that cropt-eared hsrfes were naturally good. A barber too re- commended wbite-bafted razors, from the fame experience. Red hair is only a Jign if it be any fign at all of warm or lively affections; and operates according to the ruling paflion, of love, religion, ambition, play, revenge, &c. which differs equally both in men and women of all complex- ions. And I have always found more virtue in warm affections, than in lukewarm ones. Warm [ 273 ] Warm pafjtoni may be tempered, but cold ones can never be brought \ofeeth. 170. In the Paffion, painted by Michael Angelo, the Virgin is finely defcribed, according to her peculiar circumftances though certainly moft abfurdly, under the general idea of fuch a fituation. She (lands unmoved, and looking on the fuf- ferings of her Son, without grief, without pity, without regret, without tears becaufe (he is fuppofed to have known that the event was to be finally happy. What different opinions muft a Chriftian and a Muflulman form of this piece ? 171. Nunc itaque et verfus, et csetera ludicra pono; Quod verum aique decens, euro, et rogo, et omnis in hoc fum. HOR. EPIST. I met lately with the following lines, which are, in fen fa, and almoft in words, the very fame with the former: Hie igitur verfus, et csetera ludicra pono : Quod verum, atque bonum eft, inquire, et totus in hoc fum. The [ 274 ] The author of the latter lines was not quoted, in the paffage from whence I have taken them which was the Lemma to the Idyllia of Theo- critus, tranflated by Creech. So that I cannot determine which might have been the plagiarift, by comparing their different seras. Is not this a precious morfel for the critics ? Let me conjecture about it. My opinion is, that Creech meant to have quoted Horace; and his memory failing him, he might have fupplied the verfe out of his own head as is frequently the cafe, in repeating without book. My reafon is this Creech tranflated Horace, though badly; but muft certainly have remem- bered the above paffage in him and I cannot fuppofe that he would have taken worfe lines to the fame purpofe from any oiher writer. Now the i>trum t atque bonum, in the Utter dirtich, are, :n ftridntfo of philofophy, the fame thing. But there is a beautiful diftin&ion between the wrum, atque decens, in the firft lines. Horace joins manners with morals, and adds good-brteding to virtue. Perhaps the anonymous lines above quoted may be in Lucretius- I have read but little of him from whom Horace is faid to have bor- rowed not only his principles of the Epicurean philofophy, but to have taken feveral pafTages out [ 275 ] out of his writings among which this may pofiibly be one, that he has impioved. Creech tranflated both of the e authors, and might naturally be fuppofed to have been partial to the one which he had the beft fuccefs with. 172. As objlinate as a pig in an entry. This would have been a fitter fimile for Homer to have applied to Ajax or Diomede Which is it ? for I will not take the trouble to look, though the Iliad lies now on my table. Madame Dacier defends the aliufion to the afs t in fuch a way as deieryes not a ferious anfwer. She had much better have agreed with Horace, and have ranked that fimile under the head of Aliquando bonus dormttat Homerus. 173. Ariftotle's Art of Poetry is the beft efteem- ed piece of criticifm among the ancients. Wow came he to excel both Horace and Vida, though better poets, and who had alfo the advantage of ftudying him before they wrote ? Becaufe they only copied him but he had copied nature. AH his rules, as Pere Ra- pin fays, are but nature methodized, or reafon re- duced to art. 174. Some of the altitudes or depths of philofo- phy, are, to doubt ourfertfet, to -difcredit our own exigence, - t exijlence, and to require impoflible demonjlrations for felf-e vident proportions. 175. The philofopher, I think it was Des Car- tes, who, after a world of deep reflexion, faid, Cogito, ergo fum t might as well have faid dubito, at firft, and have deduced his ergo from thence at once. For, in this cafe, to doubt, is to be cer* tain* 176. See the account of the plays, (tiled the Myjierift, defcribed in the preface to Don Quixote. Cervantes ridicules penances and priefteraft throughout but knows not where to (lop. The whipping of Sancho, tor the difenchantment ofDukinea, and the twitching and pinking him, for the reiurredvon of Altifidora, are prophane alluftons. In the latter manoeuvre, when one of the exe- cutioners pinches his face, he cries out, your fin- ger } fmell of vinegar. *' And they gave him t " fponge., dipt in vinegar, to drink." In his laft volume, chapters xvii. and xix. he has a ftroke at the church, who will not redeem or abfolve gratis, as their matter did. Why flept the holy inquifition all this while? 177. I [ 277 ] 177- I have feen whole volumes wrote agatnft the real prefence, to prove that matter was not ca- pable of ubiquity and as many more, not to prove that it was. This is the way that libraries are filled ! or ra- ther fluffed. I approve greatly of Matter Triglyph's fcheme for one, in chapter xcv. of the Triumvjrate though poflibly my own works might have been excluded from it. 178. By the canon law, if a cardinal be ac- cufed of fornication, there muft be zfeptuagint of witnefles to prove it So that he muft kifs a girl at the market crofs, at leaft, to be convicted. How many more would be requisite to convi& a pope ? 179. Socrates has framed an allegory, for pleafure, as allied to pain : that refembles Scrib- lerus's description of the Lindamira-Indamora. For though their faces are turned different ways, there is no enjoying one, without communicat- ing with the other. 1 80. Sir Francis Bacon It is enough juft to mention his name only, to (hew how well mtitled he was to remembrance here both on account of his greatnefs and littlenefs, " The wifeft, brighteft, meaneft of .mankind." 181. The 181. The ancient philofophy mat'rialized fpi- r/V, and the modern, in order to be e en with ir, has fpiritualized matter. .What extremes are men liable to run info, who depart one line from common fenfe! *>'> ! 3 / .fJ-i*jlj 182. We ridicule the Iriih, for faying kilt, for killed. But their authority bears no lefs a name than Spenfer. 183. Tam deeft avaro quod habet, quam quod non habet. 1 84. Quanta laboras in Cbarybdi ! Digne puer meliore ftamma. HOR. Lib. i. Od. 27. How was it poflible for Horace, or no Horace, to be guilty of fuch a confufion of figure, as to fay that a perfon was drowning, in one line, and worthy of a better flame, in another ? This was going througk fire and water for a metaphor, with two witnefles. 185. Among the unaccountable deliriums of human nature, there was a man, mentioned in ancient hiftory, who fancied that he had got fome of Ariftophanes' frogs in his belly, crying Brece coax, oop t oop. 1 86. [ *79 3 1 86. " when, O dire omen ! " I found my weapon had the arras pterc'd, *' Juft where the fatal tale was interwoven, " HOW the unhappy Theban flew his father." ORPHAN. What had the fatal tale of Oedipus to do with the peculiarity of Chamont's fituation ? If he muft have a dire omen though I fee no reafon for any imagery here at all he had better have framed his allufion upon the Roman flory, Wbere the infatuate brother flew bis fifter, for this he was fierce enough to have done him- felf, had he found her guilty. * t : ;tj 7f/;?.'.i ^ i . r i' k i -j .. J 187. Dr. RufTel fays, that a woman may have milk, without being pregnant, or having had a child. 1 88. I am in pofltffipn of a faculty, at any time I pleafe, of communicating a fenfible plea- fure to myfclf, without aQion, idea, or re- flexion: by iimple voHtion, merely. The fenfation is in a degree between feeling and ritilla- tion, and tefembles the thrilling which permeates the joints of the body, upon flretching and yawn- ing. 189, Crabs, lobfters, toads, ferpents, and other animals, hav; been found indofed alive, and [ 280 ] and in full vigour, in compaS: oak, and in folid (lone. So that it appears there are creatures, formed by nature for refpiration, which yet can fubfift, without air, in a preternatural ftate. Were I to have limited myfelf folely to fuch extraordinary myfteries in natural philofophy as thefe, I could have fupplied this part of my work intirely, without having applied to any other re- fort. But I thought that a greater variety, un- der the general head of Memorabilia, might have been moreamufing to my readers. However, I think that I have furnifhed the fpeculation of the curious with inftances fuffici- ent, in this latter clafs, to hint to infidels, that l the common and obvious courfe of nature com- prehends not all the powerd of Providence. jjluijludet, or at. This I have faid, fomewhere, before but it can never be too often repeated by Your affectionate humble fervanr, TRIA JUNCTA IN UNO. FINIS MEMORABILIUM UCSB LIBRARY , A 000 491 893 4