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 LIBRARY 
 
 UiViVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 RIVERSIDE 
 
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 iUrlure J-MacA'UaJd. Ijth? r.ODaciK
 
 Cestimonial OBDition* 
 
 THE 
 
 EXTRAVAGANZAS 
 
 OF 
 
 J.^VpLANCHE, ESQ., 
 
 (SOMERSET HERALD) 
 
 1825— i8yi. 
 
 EDITED BV ( 
 
 T. F. DILLON CROKER 
 
 AND 
 
 STEPHEN TUCKER (Rouge Croix). 
 
 VOL. I 
 
 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 
 
 LONDON : 
 PUBLISHED BY SAMUEL FRENCH, 89, STRAND. 
 
 1879.
 
 V, I 
 
 London : 
 National Press Agency, Limited, Shoe Lane, E.C.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 Note by the Editors 5 
 
 Author's Preface 7 
 
 Success; or, a Hit if You Like It ii 
 
 Olympic Revels; or, Prometheus and Pandora ... 37 
 
 Olympic Devils; or, Orpheus and Eurydice 61 
 
 The Paphian Bower ; or, Venus and Adonis 89 
 
 High, Low, Jack, and the Game; or, the Card Party 115 
 
 Deep Deep Sea; or, Perseus and Andromeda 141 
 
 Telemachus ; or, the Island of Calypso 171 
 
 Riquet with the Tuft 205 
 
 Puss in Boots 247 
 
 Appendix 285
 
 LIST OF PORTRAITS. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 J. R. Planxiiii, (zlat. 39, from a Painting by II. Perronet 
 
 Briggs, R.A Title Page 
 
 Madame Vestris, from a Portrait by Alfred Ciiai.on, 
 
 R.A 37 
 
 Charles J. Mathews, from a Photograph by Charles 
 
 Watkins 205 
 
 Miss Murray (in " The Two Figaros "), from a Litho- 
 graph by R. J. Lane, A. R.A. ... 247
 
 Ls] 
 
 NOTE BY THE EDITORS. 
 
 The high position attained by Mr. Planche as a Dramatist 
 — in addition to his acknowledged celebrity in other branches 
 of literature, and the fact that this reprint of his Extrava- 
 ganzas, suggested by many attached friends, is a testimonial 
 to him — leaves little for us to say in the way of introduction. 
 
 Having enjoyed the privilege of the Author's friendship 
 from our youth, we have had much gratification in prepar- 
 ing this work for the press, and we consider it an honour 
 that our names should be associated with his in the production 
 of the present edition. We trust that this collection will 
 prove a lasting memorial of one whose brilliant fancy and 
 refined wit have contributed so much to the enjoyments of 
 at least two generations. 
 
 In this, our " labour of love," we have been assisted by 
 
 many kindly workers, and although it may seem unfair, from 
 
 amongst these, to individualise, we feel that our particular 
 
 thanks are due to Mr. Charles Roach Smith, F.S.A., for his 
 
 energetic co-operation. 
 
 T. F. D. C. 
 
 S. T. (K. C.)
 
 L 7 
 
 AUTHOR'S PREFACE. 
 
 INTRODUCTORY. 
 
 I cannot better evince my deep sense of the obligation I 
 am under to the kind friends who have paid me this high 
 and gratifying compHment than in endeavouring to impart 
 to this edition of my Extravaganzas an interest for the 
 general reader which they do not intrinsically possess, by the 
 addition of notes, biographical and anecdotical, concerning 
 the many eminent artists who have contributed to their 
 popularity, the managements by which they were produced, 
 and all other information which may tend to illustrate the 
 history of the London stage, from my personal experience, 
 during the last sixty years. 
 
 For it was on the 21st of April, 181 8, that my very poor 
 amateurish attempt at dramatic composition — " Amoroso, 
 King of Little Britain" — written only for private performance 
 by myself and a few other stage-struck young companions, 
 was, through a curious combination of circumstances, pro- 
 duced at the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, where, by the 
 "admirable fooling" of the actors, it obtained a popularity it 
 could never otherwise have enjoyed. 
 
 It was the urgent wish of several of my friends to include 
 "Amoroso" in this collection, but they have yielded to my
 
 8 AUTHOR'S PREFACE. 
 
 strongly expressed objections on the condition that I should 
 make its production the starting point of my professional 
 reminiscences, which I gladly acceded to, and in fulfilment 
 of that promise I must request my readers, in gratitude for 
 my having spared them the perusal of a schoolboy's non- 
 sensical concoction, to allow me to quote freely a few lines 
 respecting its reception, and matters connected with it, from 
 my recently published " Recollections" :* — 
 
 " Drury Lane Theatre was at that period in a sad state of 
 starvation, the only cause I can imagine of its suddenly snap- 
 ping at so humble a morsel as my poor imitation of 'Bombastes 
 Furioso,' with which it is unworthy of comparison. Snap at 
 it, however, it did from the hand of Mr. Harley, to whom 
 it had been shewn without my knowledge by one of our 
 juvenile amateur company. I knew nothing even of its 
 being in the theatre before I saw it announced in the play- 
 bills. Mr. George Daniel, in his ' Remarks,' appended to 
 Cumberland's edition of the piece (which, by the way, was 
 not originally called by me a ' burlesque,' but a 'serio-comic, 
 bombastic, and operatic interlude,'), says : ' We have heard 
 that the original title was "Amoroso, King of Pimlico," but 
 the licenser objected to it in consequence of the palace of 
 a portly potentate being situate in the vicinity.' I never 
 heard of such a title or such a prohibition. The piece was 
 announced without my knowledge as ' The King and the 
 Cook,' to which I strongly objected, and insisted upon the 
 
 "The Recollections and Reflections of J. R. Planche," Somerset 
 Herald, 2 vols., 8vo., London, 1872.
 
 AUTHOR'S PREFACE. 
 
 restoration of my own title, ' Amoroso, King of Little 
 Britain.' 
 
 " When I think of the many deserving authors who have 
 toiled for years before they could obtain a trial, I feel 
 almost ashamed of my unsought success; but consider 
 the cast ! 
 
 " Harley, in the height of his popularity, who had but to 
 shew his teeth to set the house in a roar ; ' Little Knight, 
 as he was affectionately called by the public ; the unctuous 
 Oxberry (the elder) ; the grotesque basso-profundo, George 
 Smith ; charming Mrs. Orger, and mellifluous Mrs. Bland ! 
 
 "If the public, however, proved indulgent, the manage- 
 ment was just. It estimated my work at its right value as 
 a literary production, and paid me nothing; but I had the 
 proud satisfaction of learning from authority that the success 
 of ' Amoroso,' had prevented the premature closing of the 
 doors of Drury Lane Theatre. Was there any pecuniary 
 •compensation to desire after that ? 
 
 "An atrabilious critic, reviewing the piece in the next 
 number of Blackzaood, wrote : " Author ! But even the shoe- 
 blacks of Paris call themselves marchands de cirage.'" Hard 
 words to swallow, but they didn't choke me. They only 
 determined me to try to write better. Fas est, &:c. Besides, 
 I was quoted by the Tivies in a leading article. ' Think of 
 that, Master Brook !' A sudden resignation of Ministers, 
 or a dissolution of Parliament — -I forget which, and it is not 
 -worth the trouble of ascertaining — reminded the writer of 
 the King of Little Britain's speech to his courtiers : — ' My
 
 10 AUTHOR'S PREFACE. 
 
 Lords and Gentlemen — get out !' What was the abuse of 
 
 Blackwood to an ' Author ' quoted by the Times f 
 
 I have nothing to add to this account of the origin and 
 
 production of my crude attempt at dramatic writing, and the 
 
 good fortune which attended it, except that, as it determined 
 
 my future career, the natural instinct of an English dramatist 
 
 led me to France for inspiration. Why should the modern 
 
 playwright be taunted for this tendency — ^'■prendre so?i Men 
 
 ou il le trouve " — when so long ago as the reign of Charles 
 
 II., of merry memory, Nell Gwyn, in a prologue, declared 
 
 that — 
 
 " All our plays, 
 
 Like half our fleet, are taken from the French." 
 
 Be that as it may, my visits to Paris made me acquainted 
 with two classes of drama of which I was utterly ignorant 
 — the '■'■ Feerie Folie" and the '•'■Reinie.'" Many years elapsed 
 before 1 could get them naturalised in England, to which I 
 introduced them. I wish I could say, ^'■^leat as imported."" 
 Eventually, however, circumstances favoured my endeavour, 
 andt the result has been the series of extravaganzas now 
 contained in these volumes, the first of which was produced 
 at the Adelphi in 1825, under the title (little contemplated 
 at the moment as prophetic) of "Success."
 
 SUCCESS; 
 
 OR, 
 
 A HIT IF YOU LIKE IT; 
 
 A new Grand Mock-heroical, Allegorical, Operatical, Melodramatical,. 
 Magical, anything but Tragical 
 
 BURLETTA, 
 
 In One Act, 
 FOUNDED ON FACT, 
 
 First performed at the Adelphi Theatre, I2tli December, 1S25.
 
 L ^3 1 
 
 SUCCESS; 
 
 OR, 
 
 A HIT IF YOU LIKE IT. 
 
 Seven years had intervened between the production 
 of " Amoroso " and that of the " Allegorical Burlesque 
 Burletta," as it was called, partly for want of a better desig- 
 nation of this class of entertainment, till then unknown to 
 the English stage, and partly in obedience to the Lord 
 Chamberlain, under whose licence certain minor Metro- 
 politan theatres were at that time restricted from acting the 
 regular drama, and had adopted the term " Burletta" as a 
 general and conveniently vague description of every variety 
 of piece performed in them. From that day to this I 
 have never been able to find an English word that would 
 convey to English ears a satisfactory definition of a French 
 " Reimer The literal translation would suggest either a 
 military spectacle or a critical magazine ; and yet it is, 
 undoubtedly, a "Review" of the dramatic productions of 
 the past season, and a more appropriate name than 
 " Burletta," which disappeared from the play-bills on the 
 emancipation of the minor theatres from their legal fetters 
 in 1844. 
 
 Enough, however, about the name. In 1825, the 
 Adelphi Theatre had deservedly established itself in public
 
 14 SUCCESS; OR, 
 
 favour, under the spirited and intelligent management of 
 Messrs. Yates and Terry, two excellent actors — the former, 
 father of the present Mr. Edmund Yates, and the latter the 
 intimate friend of Sir Walter Scott, who assisted him in the 
 dramatisation of some of his celebrated novels for the 
 Theatre Royal, Covent Garden. To these eminent artists 
 I proposed the making of the bold experiment of producing 
 a piece on the plan of a French Revue, and was com- 
 missioned by them to write it. On the 12th of December 
 it was produced, the cast embracing all the principal 
 members of the admirable company then engaged there ; 
 Terry, Yates, John Reeve (senior). Wrench, a delightful 
 comedian, T. P. Cooke, of " Black-eyed Susan " celebrity, 
 Mrs. Fitzwilliam, a most natural actress and sweet singer, 
 and other favourites of the Adelphi audience. So supported 
 it proved such a " success " (running to the end of the 
 season) that it encouraged me to follow it up as occasion 
 presented itself, and if I am any judge of my own. works 
 these pieces de circonstances (another perplexing French 
 designation!), though inevitably ephemeral from their nature, 
 are amongst the most creditable of my original dramatic 
 compositions. It is now for the first time printed, and I have 
 only to observe here that, with very few exceptions,* I 
 believe I have been the sole contributor of this peculiar 
 species of entertainment to the English stage. 
 
 * Notably " Novelty Fair," by the late Mr. Albert Smith, produced 
 at the Lyceum, 2ist May, 1850, and "1863, or the Sensations of the Past 
 Season," by Mr. H. J. Byron. (St, James's, 26th, Dec. 1863).— Eds.
 
 A HIT IF YOU LIKE IT. 
 
 15 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSON.-E. 
 
 Fashion (Governor of the Town for the Emperor 
 Whim, Grand Autocrat of all the World ... 
 
 Success (his Daughter, sought by everybody, 
 encouraging anybody, and constant to nobody) 
 
 PSH.WV ) (Officers of the Court of 
 
 Fiddle-de-dee ) Fashion 
 
 Page 
 
 Zamiel (an Original) ) (from theTheatre Royal i 
 Mr. M. (a Copy) ) English Opera) \ 
 Brutus 
 
 Mephistophiles 
 (himself) 
 
 Ex-Tragedian ("ever fair ) ^ , -m. . C 
 and YOUNG ") i From the Theatre \ 
 
 > Royal, Covent < 
 
 POLiCHlNELLE(a Foreigner t Garden. t 
 
 of Distinction) ) \ 
 
 Paul Pry ("just ) (From the Theatre Royal, | 
 dropt in ") J Haymarket) | 
 
 Long Tom Coffin (from the Adelphi) 
 
 Jocko (from everywhere) ... 
 
 (from the Theatre Royal, 
 Drury Lane) 
 
 IMk. Wrench 
 
 Mrs. Fitzwilliam 
 Mr. Foster 
 Mr. Brown 
 IMr. Phillips 
 Mr. T. p. Cooke 
 Mr. Yates 
 
 Mr. J. Reeve 
 Mr. Terry 
 
 Mr. Yates 
 
 MoNS. Courier 
 J^Ir. J. Reeve 
 
 Mr. T. p. Cooke 
 
 MoNS. Courier, 
 and other Jackana/^.r, 
 
 The Old Times "^ 
 
 The New Times 
 
 The Morning Chronicle 
 
 The Morning Herald 
 
 The Morning Post 
 
 The Courier 
 
 The Sun 
 
 The Examiner 
 
 John Bull 
 
 The Theatrical Observer 
 
 The Thespian Sentinel 
 
 Compositors, Printer's Devils, Newsmen, Banner Bearers, Tailors, 
 Mantua-makers and other Votaries of Fashion, by the rest of 
 
 the Company. 
 
 Privy Council of Fashion, 
 as siii(-ah\y represented 
 as the Wardrobe will 
 admit upon so press-mg 
 an occasion.
 
 [ 17 ] 
 
 SUCCESS; 
 
 OR, 
 
 HIT IF YOU LIKE IT 
 
 Scene, wJiich being impossible to describe, 7inist be seen 
 to be appreciated ; nevertheless, the painter intends it to 
 represent 
 
 THE PALACE OF FASHION. 
 
 Somewhere at the West End of the town, exhibiting amongst 
 every vai-ieiy of emblematical peculiarities, all the archi- 
 tectiire that ever was known, from the Parthenon at Athe7is 
 to the Patent Shot Alamtfactory on the Sm'rey side of the 
 Thames, and much more than ever will be knoivn except to 
 the visitors of the Adelphi Theatre, and adorned with 
 statues of the most celebrated exquisites, ancient and moder?i, 
 from the Apollo Belvidere and the Medicean Vejius, to her 
 of Hottentot and " The Anatomie Vivante^'^ 
 
 Ma7itua-makers, Tailors, and other votaries of Fashion dis- 
 covered in readiness to attend his Levee. 
 
 Grand Chorus — Air — "Rule Britannia." 
 
 When Fashion first at Whim's command, 
 
 In lieu of Common sense began to reign, 
 
 This was the chorus, the chorus of the land. 
 
 And mantua-makers swelled the strain : 
 
 Rule great Fashion ! where'er your sceptre waves 
 
 Both old and young be ever, ever Fashion's slaves. 
 
 Enter Pshaw and Fiddle-de-dee. 
 
 Pshaw. Good morning, my dear Fiddle-de-dee ! Is there 
 any news stirring ? 
 
 * Claude Ambroise Scurat, exhibiting in Pall IMall at that period. 
 
 C
 
 iS SUCCESS; OR, 
 
 Fid. Pshaw ! No, the old story ; the palace is likely to be 
 besieged again as usual, and to-day by suitors of all sorts 
 from the different dramatic establishments, who are dying to 
 obtain the hand of the Governor's daughter, the fair Lady 
 Success. 
 
 Pshaw. And who is likely, think you, to bear away the 
 hclle ? 
 
 Fid. Faith, I know not ! haven't a guess. Our high and 
 mighty master. Fashion, who governs this tov/n for the 
 Emperor Whim, Great Autocrat of all the world, is, with the 
 exception of the aforesaid autocrat, the most capricious 
 creature that ever existed. Fie promises his daughter to 
 everybody, one after the other ; nay, suffers her to go on a 
 short visit now and then as a bait merely ; but changes his 
 mind and recalls her before anybody can profit by the indul- 
 gence. 
 
 Pshaw. Gad, she's almost as fickle as her father, though 
 to be sure, much must be allowed for his influence. Were 
 they not both stark, staring mad almost a short time ago, for 
 an Italian fellow who happened to be blest with a good voice, 
 but the most unprincipled rascal breathing, one Don 
 Giovanni ?* Haven't you and I frequently heard them declare 
 
 they would go to a place I shan't mention — for him, and 
 
 where he went to himself in the end, I believe ? 
 
 Fid. To be sure, and then there were those two sad rattling 
 dogs, Tom and Jerry, who kicked up such disturbances 
 every night in the .Strand, f Nothing could keep them out of 
 
 * The immortal opera by Mozart, the subject of which had been 
 dramatised in nearly every form at nearly every theatre. Madame 
 Vestris had greatly increased her popularity by her personation of the 
 •dissohite Don in MoncriefTs burletta "Giovanni in London," and 
 the success of the piece so elated the author that he remarlced to 
 Elliston v.ho had first produced it — 
 
 " I think I may say, 
 I'm the Gay of the day." 
 
 f This dramatisation Ijy Moncrleff of Pierce Egan's novel, "Life in 
 London," was produced at the Adelphi under the management of 
 Messrs. Jones and Kodwell in 182 1, and after narrowly escaping con- 
 ■demnation the first night, was galvanised into life by the humour and 
 spirit introduced into it by Wrench, John Reeve, Keeley, and Wilkinson, 
 who kept it on its legs till the town tool, to it, and in two seasons the 
 proprietors netted a small fortune.
 
 A HIT IF YOU LIKE IT. 
 
 19 
 
 their company lor a season or two — and fifty other 
 favourites besides that I could mention, if it were worth the 
 trouble, l)ut they have ahvays been jilted in the end. 
 
 Pshaw. Betwixt you and me, the old gentleman had better 
 make uj) his mind and come to some i^ermancnt decision 
 before Common Sense returns, as it is whispered he will one 
 of these days. 
 
 Fid. Common Sense 1 Phoo-poo, Pshaw ! It is so long 
 since all powerful Whim dispossessed him of the govern- 
 ment, that he is scarcely remembered in this town, and the 
 public in general are so familiarised to the sway of Fashion 
 that he would not have a chance were he so lar to forget his 
 good name as to make such an attempt. 
 
 Flourish 7viiJioitt 
 
 P.SHAW. Break off ! The Governor comes. 
 
 Enter Fashion. Attcrided. Grand Chorus. Air — " Victoria, 
 Victoria" '■'■ Der Freyschuts." 
 
 Hurrah, boys ! hurrah, boys ! behold our great master, 
 
 I^t each loyal subject in air wave his castor ; 
 
 'Tis Fashion alone who can give us cclat^ 
 
 Hurrah, boys ! hurrah, boys ! hurrah, boys ! hurrah ! 
 
 Fashion takes his state. Solo. Fashion. 
 
 l^ook at me, I rule the town. Sir, 
 Who dissents, I'll knock him down, Sir ; 
 Laugh who will at Fashion's law% 
 He laughs longest, ha ! ha I ha ! 
 All. Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! &c. 
 
 Semi-Chorus. Air, Country Dance, " Tekeli.''^ Tailors 
 
 AND MANTUA-^L\KERS. 
 
 What'll your lordship wear to-day. 
 Brown, or blue, or green, or black ; 
 Red, or yellow, or pink, or grey ? 
 Fash. Out of my sight, or your skulls I'll crack. 
 
 {Di-ives thevi out) 
 I'm teased, I'm troubled, puzzled and ])crple.\cd, 
 Not only as to tvhat suit I'll wear next, 
 
 c 2
 
 20 SUCCESS; OR, 
 
 But to whose suit I, Fashion, shall give ear 
 
 Of all who seek Success, my daughter dear. 
 
 From every theatre in this great town, 
 
 Lovers before my throne kneel daily down, 
 
 And sue and sigh to gain her for their bride ; 
 
 But neither I nor she can yet decide. 
 
 And therefore I will go into committee 
 
 With all the sages of this most sage city, 
 
 A potent, numerous, and motley band. 
 
 From fair Blackfriars, Fleet Street, and the Strand, 
 
 From Denmark Court, and street called Tavistock. 
 
 Methinks they're tardy ! Fiddle, what's o'clock ? 
 
 Fid. I lost my watch (craving your lordship's pardon) 
 Last night, at the pit door of Covent Garden. 
 
 Pshaw. My lord, I think 'tis on the stroke of two. 
 
 Fash. So early ! {enter Page) Now, sir, what's the news 
 with you ? 
 
 Page. May it please your Excellency, a deputation from 
 the Lords and Commons of the Public Press. 
 
 Fash. Admit them instantly. Their aid I need. 
 A friend in type is Friendship's type indeed ! 
 
 {Exit Page, i?,?///;^— Pshaw, Fiddle-de-dee, Fashion, 
 &c., " Hark, 'tis the Indian drum,"—" Cortez " 
 
 Hark, 'tis the critics' drum ! 
 
 The authors all around 
 
 Quake at the awful sound ! 
 
 They come ! they come ! they come ! 
 
 March. Procession: — Two Compositors to clear the way; 
 large batme?; " The Public Press;'' band of Printers 
 Devils and Newsmen ; the " Old Times" in the costume 
 of the last century ; the " New Times " in a modern suit ; 
 the " Morning Herald," in a tabard of arms ; the'' Morn- 
 ing Post," dressed like a general postman ; the " Mo7'ning 
 Chronicle,'' with a la7-^e folio volume U7ider his arm ; 
 the '•'• Courier'' in a green jacket emhvidered with gold, 
 buckskin breeches, and jack-boots, &c. ; the " Sun," in 
 the costume of Apollo; ''John Bull," the portly, farmer- 
 looking personage he is generally represented ; _ the 
 '■'Examiner" with a pair of spectacles, a?id with a
 
 A HIT IF YOU LIKE IT. 21 
 
 telescope under his arm, &^c., each preceded by a Clerk 
 carrying a banner 7uith the riame of the newspaper; and 
 last of all, the " Theatrical Obsej'ver,^^ in plain clothes, 
 with an opera-glass in his hand, and the " Thespian 
 Sentinel,^'' in a military uniforin, both masked and 
 carrying their own placards. 
 
 Fash. Yes, here they are, " Both weekly and diurnal," 
 Welcome Old Times — What ! still the leading 
 
 journal ? 
 And welcome to your younger namesake too. 
 Fashion is fond of anything that's "new." 
 But yonder stands the one who loves me most, 
 My friend ! My echo ! Ah my gentle Post, {embracing) 
 Let this, and this my gratitude declare. 
 My learned Chronicle ! I greet you fair ! 
 Whom have we here ? as sure as I am born 
 " It is the Lark, ' the Herald of the morn ' ! ■' 
 " Who's seen ' the Sun ' to-day " ? Ah ! dear Apollo, 
 Fashion is wont the Rising Sun to follow. 
 'Tis early for the " Courier " to be seen. 
 John Bull too ! " Welcome Jack ! Where hast thou 
 
 been ?" 
 Another Sunday friend — Pray, sir, approach (to the 
 
 '■^ Examifier'''). 
 You came, sir, I presume, in a glass coach ! 
 How's this ? Two gentlemen in masquerade ! 
 Well, welcome all, I need your friendly aid. {ascends his 
 
 throne) 
 Ahem ! Pshaw ! Clear the court ! Fiddle-de-dee, 
 Go, call the Princess ! Bring her here to me. {exeiint 
 
 all but Fashion atid the Journals) 
 Ye mighty pillars of the public press. 
 You all do know our daughter, fair Success, 
 And each of you in turn have made me waver 
 As to which candidate she ought to favour. 
 She's young and giddy — dazzled by eclat, 
 *' Pleased with a feather, tickled with a straw ! " 
 Perchance she'll listen to your friendly voice. 
 Direct her judgment, strive to fix her choice. 
 But should she scorn your counsel in a fury, 
 I'll straight empanncl you a special jury ;
 
 SUCCESS; OR, 
 
 And " willy nilly," once your verdict given, 
 If she will not be led, she shall be driven 1 
 
 Re-enter Fiddle-de-dee. 
 Fid. (announcing) The Princess ! 
 
 Enter Success, richly attired. 
 
 Fash. Ha ! she comes ! Daughter, attend ! 
 
 You know these gentlemen, and to what end 
 
 They have been summoned duly to our gate ; 
 
 Fresh suitors throng from each dramatic state ! 
 
 Therefore lend them your ears, (pointing to Journals j^ 
 Sue. A useless loan ! 
 
 They'll quickly be together by their own. 
 Fash. How's this ? Rebellion ! Hark-ye ! child of 
 Fashion ! 
 
 Don't put your loving father in a passion ! 
 Sue. My dear sir, in plain prose I have heard all their 
 arguments over and over again, and there is so much 
 difference of opinion amongst them I beseech you to allow me 
 the liberty of following my own. 
 
 Fash. In plain prose I answer, then, that you are 
 not capable of forming an opinion ; besides, have I not 
 ordained that nobody shall form an opinion without first 
 consulting the public press ? Who dares decide upon the 
 merits of an artist, an author, or an actor, till he has seen 
 his daily or his Sunday paper ? Nay, how can any person 
 be fool enough to take the trouble of thinking for himself, 
 when at the same time he pays others for thinking for him ? 
 Young lady, I give you an hour or two for reflection, during 
 which time, if you will promise me not to commit yourself, 
 I will allow you to welcome your suitors in this hall, and to 
 receive the sealed tenders of each, but the decision must be 
 left to the Governor in council, and beware how you brave 
 the authority of so august a tribunal ! 
 
 Chorus. Air, " To Woman's potver surrender" Fashion,. 
 
 and Journals. 
 
 To mighty We surrender, 
 Resistance is in vain.
 
 A HIT IF YOU LIKE IT. 23 
 
 Alike o'er tough and tender, 
 The PubUc Press will reign. 
 
 {Exeunt all but Success) 
 
 Sue. I certainly am an odd creature and smile now and 
 then on the least deserving, but am I not the daughter of 
 Fashion, and naturally inherit some of the mutability of my 
 parent ? His lecturing me on the subject of inconstancy is a 
 capital joke. Besides, I am so pestered, so solicited, so 
 flattered, and I cannot be everybody's at the same 
 time. 
 
 Song. Success. '^ llliich way shall I turn vie:' (Beggar's 
 
 Opera. ) 
 
 Which way shall I turn me, how can I decide ? 
 I really must own I'm in want of a guide. 
 One lover's enough to make any girl mad, 
 But twenty at once is a great deal too bad. 
 This way and that way, and which way I will, 
 What would comfort the one, t'other swain v.-ould 
 take ill ! 
 
 Hunting music zvithouf. Enter Page. 
 
 Page. Madam, a gentleman from the English Opera. 
 
 Sue. Shew him in. (exit Page) Some pleasant fellow, 
 I'll be bound. They are all " free and easy " people at that 
 house.* 
 
 Enter ZxywEh, from the opera of " Der Freyscliutz.'''' 
 
 Ugh ! this must be some mistake, surely. 'VMiat a terrific- 
 looking personage for an ambassador of love 1 Pray, sir, 
 who ma)- you be ? 
 
 Zam. The Devil ! 
 
 Sue. The Devil you are ! 
 
 Zam. Yes, madam, I have that honour. It may not be 
 exactly etiquette for me to present myself before my rivals 
 
 * "Free and Kasy " was a very successful piece, of wliich Wrench 
 ■was the hero, recently {jroduced at the I,yceuni, or English Opera 
 House, under the management of Mr. Samuel ArnoKI.
 
 24 SUCCESS; OR, 
 
 of the winter theatres ; but "all's fair in love," and "first 
 come, first served " are proverbs in my favour.* 
 
 Sue. You're an impudent devil, I'm sure. I recollect 
 you now well enough. Well, sir, and what have you to say 
 for yourself now you've come ? or sing for yourself rather, 
 as you belong to an operatic establishment? 
 
 Zam. La, la, la, la ! &c. {singing the Coda to the 
 '■'■Hunting Chorns") 
 
 Sue. O, mercy ! mercy ! nothing but that ? Why there 
 is not a piano in all London but has been thumped out of 
 time with it. There's no eating, drinking, or sleeping for it. 
 At all times and in all places does the everlasting coda 
 torment the tympanum of his Majesty's lieges, f 
 
 Song. Success. Aij% " Through the Forest.^'' {Dcr Freyschutz.) 
 
 In the parlour, in the kitchen. 
 Still I hear the well-known sound, 
 Every place you put your foot in 
 Echoes with the chorus round. 
 In the street the pot-boy whistles, 
 From the mail 'tis heard afar 
 La, la, la, la, la, la, la, &c. 
 
 E-en at the wash-tub, the wet clothes while wringing, 
 Milly and Betty the burthen prolong ! 
 While to her charge every nurse-maid is singing, 
 The charming, eternal, unmerciful song. 
 Waltzing or quadrilhng. 
 At it still they are. 
 Not a tune your ear is filling ; 
 But— 
 
 La, la, la, la, la, la, la, &c. 
 Zam. Aye, aye I that's all very well ; but the popularity 
 you make a jest of is all on my side of the argument. My 
 
 * The first English version of Weber's celebrated opera, " Der 
 Freyschutz," was produced by Mr. Arnold at the Lyceum, in 1824, 
 Mr. T. P. Coolce being the original Zamiel. Other versions were 
 rapidly brought out at Drury Lane and Covent Garden. My adapta- 
 tion at the latter house appeared 14th October, 1824. 
 
 f It became literally a burden too great to bear, and the 
 story goes that servants were engaged on the express condition that 
 they should never sing, hum, or whistle " The Huntsman's Chorus."
 
 A HIT IF YOU LIKE IT. 
 
 magic bullets have mortally wounded Thalia and Melpomene. 
 I have opened a door to all my countrymen and they are 
 flocking hither as fast as English dresses can be made for 
 them to appear in. But up to this moment I stand pre- 
 eminent ; I alone have deserved Success and I am here to 
 claim you. 
 
 Sue. I confess I was much taken with you at first sight, 
 and you certainly have great merit. I wall give the devil 
 his due. But, my dear Zamiel, " toujours perdrix," a word to 
 so wise a person as yourself will, I am sure, be enough. 
 
 He-enter Page. 
 
 Page. There is a gentleman without in a great fidget ; he 
 has sent in his card and begs to know if you are "At home." 
 He says he comes from the English Opera, too. 
 
 Zam. Oh, I know who that is ; but he has no business 
 here till February.'- 
 
 Sue. I beg your pardon sir, I am happy to see that gentle- 
 man at all times ; admit him directly, {to Page) He is one 
 of my " pretty particulars." {Exit Page) 
 
 Efitcr i\lR. i\I.t 
 
 3.1 R. M. Servant, ma'am, glad to see you look charming; 
 very fond of you. Ah, Sammy {to Zamiel), you're there, 
 are you? Walk faster than I can (J), but I'll run as long 
 <as you will for all that. Catch the idea ! 
 
 Sue. Sir, I am glad to see you. 
 
 Mr. M. Knew you would be — always a friend of mine — so 
 was your father — so he is still — so he will be — so he 
 ought to be. Eh, old Sammy ? He ! he ! he ! What a 
 
 * Charles Mathews the elder, usually commenced his admirable 
 " At Homes," at the Lyceum in the month of February, the licence 
 for the performance of English opera at that theatre being limited to 
 a summer season. 
 
 t Charles Mathews, the elder, of whom his friend Yates gave an 
 excellent imitation. 
 
 X Mr. Mathews was lame at this period, from a carriage accident, 
 and occasionally suffered much from pain in the hip joint.
 
 2 6 SUCCESS; OR, 
 
 & 
 
 gig you look in that liat and feather ! I hate hats and 
 feathers. Very like Billy Waters, (*) very like indeed ! 
 Thought I shouldn't come till February, ah, Sammy, so- 
 you made a forced march ! Won't do, can't have me — 
 not to be had — up to ever)'thing — down upon every- 
 body — besides you're done — anybody can do you — 
 done you red at Drury Lane ; done you black at 
 Covent Garden — and now you're done brown every- 
 Avhere — don t cock your tin eyes at me — old sour-krout. 
 I'm an Englishman. What dy'e say, ma'am, am I to have 
 you next season or not ? make up your mind — no time 
 to lose — never wait for anybody — "get over the ground, 
 ^o it if it kills you ! " Loved you ever .since I was 
 a little boy — loved you before I was born. " 'Pon my soul 
 it's true ! WTiat'U you lay it's a lie ?" (t) 
 
 Sue. (aside) Heaven defend me ! how the man rattles ! 
 If I don't make haste and dismiss him, he'll talk me out of 
 my consent before I can hear what the others have to say 
 for themselves ; and then, what'll my father sa}' ? (^Flourish 
 ivWiouf) Ha ! a reprieve. Those are the trumpets of 
 Drury Lane, (aloud) Well, gentlemen, I am only at liberty 
 to receive your tenders, which must be handed over for 
 consideration to my father in council. Will you do me 
 the favour to enter that apartment for the present ? 
 
 i\lR. ]\L Certainly, ma'am ; hope you won't keep me long 
 though, for as my friend Jonathan says, " I'm in a pretty 
 particular very considerable hurr)'." By-the-b3'e, did I ever 
 tell you the story of his Uncle Ben, and the squirrel ? % 
 
 Sue. " Oh, yes,'' a hundred times, and as nothing but 
 novelty can obtain Success, I advise you both to change 
 your notes immediately. 
 
 ''■' A well known beggar in London. lie was a black man with one 
 leg, who wore a hat with a feather in it ; danced and scraped a fiddle, 
 singing some doggerel of which I remember the burden was — 
 
 " Berry much oblige for you company, 
 Giv iUlly, giv Lilly 'apcny." 
 
 He was made a prominent feature in the drama of " Tom and Jerry." 
 
 f Catchword of " Major Longbow," a character in one of Mr. M.'s- 
 " At Homes." 
 
 X Another reference to one of his entertainments.
 
 A HIT IF YOU LIKE IT. 
 
 Zam. What, my notes ! Impossible ! I sliall never sing 
 anything but, la ! la ! la ! la ! la ! &c. 
 
 (^av//;// Zamiel and jMr. M.) 
 
 Sue. Now for my Drury Lane suitor. What is he like, I 
 wonder ? 
 
 Enter a Ro7nan soldier with a banner on ^v/iich is inscribed 
 T/ieatrs Royal, Drury Lane, followed by Brutus. * 
 
 Sue. Ugh ! Tragedy, by all that's terrible ! I shall die of 
 ennui — but I must speak to the man, I suppose, in common 
 courtesy. How now, sir, what make you here ? 
 
 Bru. " The State needs aid, and I am called to Court ? 
 am I a fool ? " {^Quotation from the play) 
 
 Sue. A very great fool, if you think tragedy is likely to 
 obtain Success, now-a-days. 
 
 Bru. " Lash you with scorpions when forth you walk. 
 May the red flaming sun breed living plagues within you, 
 may mankmd shun you, may you hate yourself For death 
 pray hourly, yet be in tortures millions of years, exi)iring," 
 &c. (rushing out) 
 
 Enter Mephistophiles. t 
 
 ^Iei'h. (toucliing him on the shoulder as he goes out) 
 l]ra\"o ! 
 
 Sue. Heyday ! where did you spring from ? 
 
 Meph. What does that signify ? I am here. " Where 
 
 * ITowartl Payne's tragedy of " Brutus" had a very successful career at 
 Drury Lane in l8l8. Edmund Kean's Lucius Junius Brutus was one of his 
 finest creations, but the play did not outlive the season. It was revived 
 at Drury Lane in 1S54, when the late G. \. ]]rooke enacted Brutus. 
 John Reeve gave in this part a very good imitation of Kcan. 
 
 f A drama, by George Soanc, on the subject of " Faust," that 
 ajiparently inexhaustible theme of dramatists foreign and domestic, was 
 produced at Drury Lane on i6th May, 1825, under the title of 
 " Faustus," which on the sixth night of its representation was changed 
 to " The Devil and Dr. Faustus," the overture by Weber. Terry was 
 the Mephistophiles, and that sweetest of English songstresses, Miss 
 Stephens, sustained the character of RLirgucrite or Gretchen, in this 
 version of the story named Adink. Miss Stephens, now Countess 
 J)owager of Essex, is the only survivor of all the favourites of the public 
 alluded to in \.h\^ Revue, as much beloved and respected in private life as 
 she was when on the stage by all who had the happiness and honour of 
 her acquaintance.
 
 28 SUCCESS; OR, 
 
 did you spring from " would be an awkward question to 
 many who are gayer than I. What do you think of me now 
 you see me ? 
 
 Sue. I liardly know what to think of you. You look as 
 though you would command Success. 
 
 Meph. Is there any use in merely deserving it? Ask 
 your late favourite — he who has just left us. You wor- 
 shipped him — you hardly knev/ why — and you turned your 
 back on him with less reason. 
 
 Sue. This is impudence ! 
 
 Meph. I always suit my manners to my company. 
 
 Sue. How ? 
 
 Meph. Why this indignation ? I speak the truth, nothing 
 is so impudent as Success — unless it be those she favours. 
 
 Sue. She never favoured you, nor ever will. 
 
 Meph. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 Sue. What do you laugh at, wretch ? 
 
 Meph. To think I have won you so easily. 
 
 Sue. Won me I I hate thee ! 
 
 Meph. You are deceived. You know not who I am. 
 
 Sue. What is your name ? 
 
 Meph. I seldom mention it to ears polite, but, consider- 
 ing the terms we are on, I'll whisper it to you. (w]iispers) 
 
 Sue. Ha ! (starting and gro7iiing thoughtful ) 
 
 Meph. You see we are old acquaintances. I'll refresh 
 your memory still more, (waves his hand ; the Spirit oj 
 Adine rises P 
 
 Air. Spirit. Fro)n '■'■ Faust us ^^ after which Spirit sinks. 
 
 Sue. You touch a chord there vibrates to my heart. It 
 is enough that she who sang that air was yours to make me 
 love you. (aside) WHiat am I about ? (aloud) I — I know 
 not what I said. I will lay your offer with the rest before 
 the Council. I must pray you to await their decision in 
 that apartment, {exit Mephistophiles) I know not what 
 has come to me. There is something in these German 
 mysteries which takes strange hold on me. I feel it is a 
 weakness, yet cannot I shake it off. {a flageolet plays beliind 
 the air of " Home, sweet home.") What do I hear ? 'Tis 
 
 See previous note.
 
 A HIT IF YOU II KE IT. 29 
 
 that delicious melody which I feared had fled for ever. The 
 sound awakes me from my troubled dream, and recalls my 
 spirits, intoxicated with the fumes of foreign incense, to 
 the humble but purer pleasures of " Home, sweet home." 
 
 Etiter an Ex-Tragedian.* 
 
 Ex. " That strain again ! oh, it comes on my ears like 
 the sweet south breathing on a bed of violets ! " It's a 
 beautiful thing, a very beautiful thing. But an Irish melody 
 is the best thing after all. How d'ye do, my dear ? You 
 haven't forgotten me, have you ? 
 
 Sue. Nay, I should rather ask you that question. You 
 have given up the pursuit of me entirely. It's very ungrateful 
 of you, naughty man ; for you were always a favourite with 
 both father and daughter. 
 
 Ex. I hope I am still. I love you both as much as ever, 
 and don't you believe anyone that tells you to the contrary. 
 " Excellent wretch ! Perdition catch my soul ! but I do 
 love thee ; and when I love thee not, chaos is come again." 
 
 Sue. Then why do you abandon me ? 
 
 Ex. To make you love me better when I come back 
 again. Ain't you a woman, my dear ? and don't I know the 
 way of your sex? 
 
 Sue. But suppose I became desperate for somebody else 
 in the meantime ? 
 
 Ex. I'll trust you. And to prove it, the very last time I 
 was in Paris I told a man where you lived, and advised him 
 by all means to make up to you.f 
 
 * Mr, Frederick Yates, as Charles Young, who had left Covent Garden 
 at the termination of the season 1824-25. Yates' imitation of Young 
 was as faithful as his mimicry of Mathews. 
 
 fThe " Man " alluded to was Mazurier, the admirable French panto- 
 mimist. I had the pleasure of being in Paris with Young and Charles 
 Kemble at the time spoken of, and in company with them, Messrs. Mcrlo 
 and Croznier, the dramatists and managers of the Porte St. Martin 
 Theatre, Madame Dorval, the celebrated melodramatic actress, and 
 Mazurier, passed a most agreeable day at Montmorenci. It was by Young's 
 recommendation that Kemble engaged Mazurier, and I was requested to 
 translate the melodrama, "Jocko, oii le Singe de lirezil," in which his 
 performance had obtained a European reputation, for his debut at 
 Covent Garden. Most unfortunately it was subsequently decided that
 
 -,o SUCCESS; oi:, 
 
 o 
 
 Sue. You did ? 
 
 Ex. I did ; and he came to Covent Garden just after I 
 left it, and I wonder he hasn't been here before now. 
 (PoLiCHiNELLE Speaks witJnnd) There he is, sure enough ; 
 and a very clever feilov,- too, let me tell you. But Fm not 
 jealous of him. 
 
 " Nor from my own weak merits will I draw 
 The smallest doubt of fear of your revolt. 
 For you had eyes, and chose me. 
 
 No I'll see before I doubt. When I doubt prove, 
 
 and on the proof there is no more but this, away at once 
 with love or jealousy." {Exit Ex-Tracldiax) 
 
 Sue. ^^'hom can he mean ? 
 
 Enter Page. 
 
 Page. There is a foreign gentleman without, madam, 
 who, by the signs he makes, 1 believe wishes to see you. 
 But he can't speak a word of English, and has the oddest 
 notions. Just now he tied his arm round his neck like a 
 cravat ; and when he wanted a pinch of snuff, put his foot 
 in his waistcoat-pocket. 
 
 Sue. Oh, let him enter by all means, (exit Page) He 
 
 he should make his first appearance on those boards in the character of 
 Polichinelle, in the liallet pantomime of that name, an artistic perform- 
 ance of a much higher order, but with which his name was not associated 
 in the mind of the British pubhc. The consequence was that the mar- 
 vellous creation — for it well deserved that epithet — presented to the 
 spectators, failed to be appreciated by them. They were eager to see 
 the monkey of which they had heard so much, and their disappointment 
 made them blind to the merits of a performance which, for conception as 
 well as execution, remainstothisday unparalleled. Eventually, ontheSth 
 of November, that curiosity was gratified. "Jocko, or the Ape of Brazil," 
 was produced, and the genius of Maz.urier was generally acknowledged. 
 His career, alas ! was a brief one ; shortly after his London engagement 
 he died from an affection of the lungs, accelerated, if not engendered 
 by the constant use of the ingeniously constructed mask which he wore 
 as the monkey. 
 
 [This mechanical mask was given by Mazurier to T. P. Cooke when 
 the latter was acting at the Porte St. Martin in the summer of 1826, 
 and is now in my possession, having been presented to me by Mr. 
 Cooke's daughter. By a contrivance in brass the mouth was made to 
 open, but the constant application of lips and teeth to such metal would 
 be likely to prove very injurious as well as the constant inhaling of a 
 vitiated atmosphere. — T. Y . D. C]
 
 A HIT IF YOU LIKE IT. 
 
 must be quite a curiosity, (looking out) Ha 1 ha 1 Punch, 
 
 iis I live 1 
 
 Music. Enter Polichinelle.* 
 
 Sue. Bon jour, monsieur ; you seek Success, I presume ? 
 (PoLiCHiNELLE sqjteaks and nods in the affirmative) You 
 are a man of talent and a stranger — two strong claims on 
 British candour and liberality. You are entitled to a fair 
 trial, and shall take your chance with the rest. Win me 
 iind wear me. You would dance into my favour, I believe ? 
 (POLICHINELLE squcaks and nods in the affirmatirc) 
 
 Sue. Will you favour me witli a specimen of your 
 abilities ? (PoLieHiXELLE squeaks and nods again) 
 
 Music. He dances. 
 
 Sue. Very well, indeed, sir; but — {a knocking at the 
 door) Interrupted ! Who's there ? 
 
 Enter Paul Pry.! 
 
 Paul. I beg your pardon, I hope I dont intrude. It's 
 only Paul Pry just popped in to say how d'ye do in a friendly 
 way — betwixt you and me, if I'm not asking an impertinent 
 question, what may be your business here ? {to PoLieHi- 
 nelle) (PoLieHixELLE squcaks and points to SuceESs) 
 Bless my soul, you don't come a courting, do you ? 
 (PoLieHixELLE squcaks angrily) Well, don't be offended, I 
 only asked, {aside) Very odd looking person, that fellow with 
 a hump ; can't think where I've seen him before. 
 
 Sue. Sir, I shall be happy to speak to you in your turn, 
 but you must allow me to say however great your pretensions, 
 this interruption 
 
 Paul. Bless you, don't mention it — only just dropped in, 
 you know. I'll call again in half an hour, when you arn't 
 busy, (aside) Very suspicious all this, (aloud) By-the-bye, if 
 I'm not asking an impertinent question what do you pay 
 for new covering an old umbrella ? 
 
 Sue. I entreat you'll leave the room, sir ! 
 
 Paul. Well, don't be offended, I only just spoke. I was 
 
 * Sec previous note. 
 
 t Mr. Jolin Reeve, who gave an imitation of Listen, tlie original 
 representative of the character in Poole's popular comedy.
 
 32 SUCCESS; OR, 
 
 going to tell you where you could get it done cheap, but 
 that's always the way, everybody snubs me ! But if ever I 
 do a good-natured thing again, if I'd a shilUng in my pocket 
 I'd take an oath I never would. 
 
 Sue. There's the door, sir ! 
 
 Paul. Bless my soul, I can see it plain enough ; why I 
 came in at it, you know ; only to think, now, of your pointing 
 out the door. 
 
 Sue. Will you begone, sir ? 
 
 Paul. I'm going, — I'm going! Remarkably odd behaviour. 
 Good morning, ma'am. I wish you a very good morning, 
 sir. (PoLieHiNELLE squeaks) Well, don't be offended. I 
 only spoke, (aside) There's something at the bottom of it, 
 I'm sure ! (Exit) 
 
 Sue. Now, monsieur, that that extraordinary character is 
 
 gone, I will just observe to you that (kjtocking at the- 
 
 door) Interrupted again ! Plague take it ! who's there ? 
 
 Re-enter Paul Prv. 
 
 Paul. I beg your pardon ; but I left my umbrella. 
 Sue. This is too bad. Follow me, monsieur ; we will 
 finish our conversation in another apartment. 
 
 (Exeunt SueeEss and PoLieniNELLE) 
 
 Paul. Oh, yes ; I daresay ; pretty doings ! (peeping 
 through t/ie liey-hole) Plague take the people for making 
 key-holes so small ! There's no seeing anything through 
 'em ! Well, who'd have thought it ? So fond, too, as she 
 pretended to be of me all the autumn. Never mind, it 
 doesn't signify. But if ever I do a good-natured thing, 
 
 again I'll follow them, and see the end of it though,. 
 
 I'm determined ! 
 
 Song. Paul Prv. Air, " Cherry Ripe.'' 
 
 Just dropp'd in ! Just dropp'd in ! Still I cry, 
 Ev'rybody knows Paul Pry. (Exit Paul^ 
 
 Enter Fashion. 
 
 Fash. A murrain light upon the rascal's hunch ! 
 My daughter's half inclined to take to Punch, 
 And what to do to circumvent the elf, I 
 have not a guess.
 
 A HIT IF YOU LIKE IT. 
 
 .10 
 
 Enter Page. 
 
 Page, (announcing) Long Tom from the Adclphi. 
 
 Fash. Delightful ! That's the fellow ! shew him in. 
 {exit Page) If I have any voice Long Tom shall win 1 
 
 Enter Long Tom.* 
 
 Long T. What cheer, your honour? You know my 
 name, I suppose? Fm called Tom when there's any hurry, 
 such as letting go the haul yards or a sheet. Long Tom 
 when they want to get to windward of an old seaman by 
 fair weather, and Long Tom Coffin when they wishes to 
 distinguish me from another of the same name. 
 
 Fash. Aye, aye ! Long Tom ! I've often heard of you, 
 and devilish glad I am to see you, too. Give me \our 
 fist, my heart of oak ! D'ye know, I fear my daughter 
 w^ill be ta'en in tow by a French privateer — the " Punch of 
 Paris." I'm not quite sure how many guns he carries, but 
 
 Long T. Say no more, your honour, say no more 1 A 
 French privateer ! I haven't had a lick at one this many a 
 long day. I know the mounseer well — a queer sort of 
 thing ; rolls about like a porpoise in a gale of wind ! Bulges 
 fore and aft, mounts a sky scraper hat ; let me come along 
 side of him with my harpoon, that's all ! My eyes ! down- 
 chests ! uj) hammocks I crowd all sail ! 
 
 Fash. One moment ! If you win my girl to-day. 
 Don't serve her as you did Miss Ariel, pray ; 
 Don't daub her with your filthy tar and paint. 
 'J'he very smell of it would make me fiiint ! 
 Cram her with grape shot, and then put to sea with her. 
 Upon my soul, Tom, it will disagree with her. 
 
 Long T. Never you fear, your honour. I'll bring her 
 safe into port, I'll warrant me. Look out for squalls there. 
 Yo ho ! yo ho ! {Exit Tom) 
 
 Re-enter Page. 
 
 Page. A Red Cross knight from the Italian Opera, {exit) 
 
 * Mr. T. P. Cooke, the original Long Tom Coffin, in the melodrama 
 of "The Pilot," then in the height of its run at the Adelphi, being 
 acted for the 37th time on the night " Success " was produced. 
 
 I)
 
 OH 
 
 I SUCCESS; OR, 
 
 Fash. Ha ! that's a house I always liked. He comes — 
 Veluii in Speculum ! 
 
 Enter II Crociato.* 
 
 Now welcome here, brave Red Cross knight, 
 
 Thou'rt welcome unto me, 
 And the bells shall be rung and the mass be sung, 
 
 And the feast eat merrily, merrily. 
 
 So)ig. Il Crociato. " Giovinetii Cavalier^ From the- 
 Opera, after which he dances, and exits with a pirouette itiia 
 
 the apartment. 
 
 Fash, Bravo ! bravo ! bravissimo ! 
 
 Music. A monkey enters, and flies about the stage. Shortly 
 after him another. Enter Page hastily. Exeunt monkeys. 
 
 Page. My lord ! my lord ! 
 
 Fash. Why, how now — what's the matter ? 
 
 Page. There's a wilderness of monkeys in the courtyard- 
 One from every theatre in London — majors and minors.! 
 Such a grinning and chattering was never heard. They've 
 bitten a great many persons, too, my lord ; and half your 
 people are monkey mad ! 
 
 Fash. Where is my daughter ! Fly, slave ! Seek her out t 
 
 Page. My lord, she's here. 
 
 Fash. And bitten, too, no doubt. 
 
 * Meyerbeer's opera " II Crociato in Egitto," had been the principal 
 feature of the season of 1825, at His Majesty's Theatre, the cast in- 
 cluding Signor Velluti, Madame Caradori and Mademoiselle Garcia 
 (afterwards the celebrated Madame Malibran), and the most popular 
 .lir in it was, " Giovinetti Cavalier," sung by the latter lady in 
 the character of Felicia, and invariably enthusiastically encored. 
 It was introduced, therefore, in this situation as the one most 
 readily to be recognised by the audience, now transferred to the- 
 character of Armando, the Red Cross Knight himself. His dancing at 
 the end of it was a satirical allusion to the fact that at that period it 
 was the ballet and not the opera that was the great attraction at the- 
 principal musical theatre in England. The pit (there were no stalls in 
 those days) was usually empty until the ballet began, when "Fop's 
 Alley " (as the passage through the centre was called) became 
 impassable. 
 
 f Versions of " Le Singe de Brezil," were produced in most of the 
 theatres in consequence of the success of Mazurier at Covent Garden.
 
 A HIT IF YOU LIKE IT. 35 
 
 Eiiter Success, half arigry. 
 
 AVhat would my darling ? 
 
 Sue. O, propitious be 
 
 A monkey, father, is the man for me ! 
 
 Song. Success. '"'' Thei-c's fifty young men.'''' 
 
 There's fifty young men have told me their fine tales, 
 And called me their foirest she ; 
 But of all the gay fellows that sport on the green, 
 Young Jocko's the lad for me. 
 He tumbles and capers, and climbs up a tree ; 
 He scratches himself with his toes ; 
 He looks to a monkey as like as can be, 
 When he puts on his pasteboard nose ! 
 Fash. And is it come to this ? away, and call 
 
 Judges and candidates into the hall. {Exit Page) 
 Prayers and entreaties are of no avail ; 
 She loves a monkey ! Thereby hangs a tail ! 
 Her crotchet they or I must overrule. 
 "This deed Fll do before this purpose cool !" 
 
 (Fashion ascends his throyie ; tremendotis uproar within) 
 Enter Pshaw aftd Fiddle-de-dee. 
 
 Fash. What, ho ! Within there ! What's the matter now ? 
 
 Is Bedlam broke loose ? Rascals ! what's the row ? 
 
 Will no one tell me what it's all about ? 
 Pshaw. My lord, the judges have all fallen out ; 
 
 One was for this, the other was for that ; 
 
 From arguments came contradictions flat ; 
 
 From contradictions other words arose, 
 
 And then from words they came of course to blows 1 
 
 The suitors, too, have mingled in the brawl. 
 Fid. Here they come ! critics, candidates and all ! {Uproar 
 again) 
 
 All the Journals enter ivith Zamiel, Mr. M., Mephis- 
 tophiles, Polichinelle, Paul Pry, Long Tom, II 
 Crociato, Monkeys, &c., vociferating and tJireatejiing- 
 one a7iother. 
 
 Fash. Hold ! Keep the peace I say ! are you all crack'd ? 
 Silence ! or zounds ! Fll read the Riot Act ! 
 
 D 2
 
 36 SUCCESS. 
 
 Critics and candidates, attend to me ! 
 
 " Who shall decide when doctors disagree ? " 
 
 Wc will suppose you all are in the right 
 
 (Tho' rather strange, you'll own it is polite) ; 
 
 But till your suffrages unite in one, 
 
 j\Iy daughter must, I fear, be bride to none ; 
 
 Still must she lead her usual vagrant \Hc^ 
 
 More like a fickle mistress than a wife. 
 
 Now flirt with this and now with t'other fi'llow. 
 
 Now love a monkey, now a Punchinello ; 
 
 Now for Rossini, now for Weber burn. 
 
 And even Shakespeare may be borne in turn. 
 
 Feel for each novelty a tender jjassion 
 
 And change as often as her Father Fashion. 
 
 But until further order I command 
 
 That she remain with Long 'I'om in the Strand 
 
 FiN.\LE (" Oh ! the Roast Beef). 
 
 My fiat made known our Burletta now ends, 
 
 Shake hands with each other, and let us part friends ; 
 
 Still study to please and to make you amends, 
 
 You shall all in your turn have Success, sirs. 
 Paul. I wouldn't intrude, but I wish to explain 
 
 {to Tom) I lent her my umbrella once in the rain, 
 
 But if ever I do such a kind thing again 
 
 I wish I may ne'er have Success, sir. 
 Long T. Avast there, you lubbers ! leave jawing, dy'e see ! 
 
 His Honour the Admiral's given her to n^e, 
 
 And when in my boat her boat^7<.''^/;/ I shall be ; 
 
 So all hands ahoy ! for Success, sir ! 
 .Sue. Hold water awhile ! For tho' Fashion's my Pa, 
 
 The Patrons before you your project may bar ; 
 
 Their smile is your best bower anchor, bra\c tar, 
 
 Their hands can alone give Success, sirs ; 
 
 Their hands can alone give Success, 
 
 CURTAIN.
 
 
 w 
 
 g"S~-'j^> 
 
 ^. 
 
 -iS,, 
 
 —-.s:^ 
 
 ^ 
 
 /^^ 
 
 /^^ 
 
 ^^ 
 
 M.^l.if :vMi..lMi,.l.r. ! ,.
 
 OLYMPIC REVELS; 
 
 or., 
 
 PROMETHEUS AND PANDORA; 
 
 A Mythological, Allegorical Burletta, 
 
 In One Act, 
 
 Not translated from the French, but borrowed from the English of 
 
 George Colman, the Younger, the HEADS being taken from that 
 
 gentleman's Tale of "The Sun Poker." 
 
 First performed at the Olympic Theatre, 3rd January, 1831.
 
 [39] 
 
 OLYMPIC REVELS; 
 
 OR, 
 
 PROMETHEUS AND PANDORA. 
 
 Thirteen years had passed since the introduction of 
 ■" Amoroso," at Drury Lane. Its success had induced 
 me, shortly afterwards, to try my " prentice hand " at some- 
 thing of the same class, but of a higher order, supposing I 
 Avas capable of it. The popularity of " Midas " had been 
 newly revived by the appearance of Madame Vestris in the 
 character of Aj)ollo. Mythology had always possessed a 
 peculiar fascination for me, and the publication of George 
 Colman's (the younger) story " The Sun Poker," furnished 
 me not only with a subject, but suggested a mode of dealing 
 with it. The result was an " allegorical burlesque burlcttn," 
 which I named " Prometheus and Pandora," but although 
 in addition to "Amoroso" I had written two or three other 
 pieces which had been favourably received, and my rci)uta- 
 iion as an author {pace Blackwood) was gradually increas- 
 ing in professional circles, I could not persuade any manager 
 to accept my classical bantling. 
 
 I had almost forgotten its existence, when one day, 
 towards the close of the year 1830, I met Madame Vestris, 
 who, not having renewed her engagement at Drury Lane 
 and fmding no opening for her at Covent Garden, had 
 suddenly determined to set up for herself She informed
 
 40 OL \ 'MPIC RE J ELS ; OR, 
 
 me that she had just taken the Olympic in conjunction 
 with Miss Foote, afterwards Countess of Harrington ; that 
 they had engaged Mrs. Glover and other performers, and 
 would be glad if I had anything ready for immediate pro- 
 duction. I recollected my rejected burlesque, and 
 saw in Madame Vestris a perfect Pandora. I mentioned 
 the subject to her, and it was agreed that I should 
 make such alterations in it as time and circumstances had 
 rendered necessary, and that she should open the season 
 with it, and in it. Having much work on my hands at that 
 moment, I induced Charles Dance, with whom I had already 
 written a farce for the Haymarket, to try his hand at this 
 style of composition, and in two or three evenings we 
 brushed up together the oft-rejected burlesque, and under 
 the additional locally allusive title of " Olympic Revels," it 
 was produced on the opening night, 3rd January, 1831, 
 Madame Vestris sustaining the part of Pandora. 
 
 The extraordinary success of this production was due not 
 only to the admirable singing and piqiiante performance of 
 that gifted lady, but also to the charm of novelty imparted 
 to it by the elegance and accuracy of the costumes, it having 
 been previously the practice to dress a burlesque in the 
 most outre and ridiculous fashion. My suggestion to try 
 the effect of persons picturesquely attired speaking absurd 
 doggerel, fortunately took the fancy of the fair lessee, and 
 the alteration was highly appreciated by the public, but 
 many old actors could never get over their early impres- 
 sions. Liston thought to the last that Prometheus, instead 
 of the Phrygian cap, tunic, and trousers, should have been 
 dressed like a great lubberly boy, in a red jacket and 
 nankeens, with a pinafore all besmeared with lollipops ; 
 others that, as in " Midas," the costume should be an in-
 
 PROMETHEUS AXD PANDORA. 41 
 
 congruous mixture of the classical and the farcical. Time 
 and other circumstances prevented the scenery from being 
 in accordance with the dresses. It was limited to a few 
 clouds, the interior of a cottage, and a well-used modern 
 street, which was made a joke of in the bill to anticipate 
 criticism. There is nothing more to say on this subject 
 than that " Olympic Revels " was the first of a series which 
 enjoyed the favour of the public for upwards of thirty years. 
 The following address was written at my request by John 
 Hamilton Reynolds, and spoken by Madame Vestris on 
 the opening night : — 
 
 Noble and Gentle — Matrons — Patrons— Friends ! 
 
 Before you here a venturous woman bends ! 
 
 A warrior woman — that in strife embarks, 
 
 The first of all dramatic Joan of Arcs. 
 
 Cheer on the enterprise, thus dared by me ! 
 
 The first that ever led a company ! 
 
 AVhat though, until this very hour and age, 
 
 A lessee-lady never owned a stage ! 
 
 I'm that Belle Sauvage — only rather quieter, 
 
 Like Mrs. Nelson, turned a stage proprietor !* 
 
 Welcome each early and each late arriver — 
 
 This is my omnibus, and I'm the driver ! 
 
 Sure is my venture, for all honest folk, 
 
 Who love a tune, or can enjoy a joke, 
 
 AV'ill know, whene'er they have an hour of leisure, 
 
 \Vych-^\.xQQ.\. is best to come to for their pleasure. 
 
 The laughter and the lamps, with equal share, 
 
 Shall make this house a /4'7//-house against care. 
 
 * Well known to the coaching men of tliat clay.
 
 42 OLYMPIC REVELS: OR, 
 
 This is our home ! 'Tis yours, as well as mine ; 
 Here Joy may pay her homage at Mirth's shrine ; 
 Song, Whim, and Fancy jocund rounds shall dance, 
 And lure for you the light Vaudeville from France. 
 Humour and Wit encourage my intent, 
 And Music means to help to pay my rent. 
 'Tis not mere promise — I appeal to facts ; 
 Henceforward judge me only by my acts ! 
 
 In this, my purpose, stand I not alone — 
 All women sigh for houses of their own ; 
 
 And I was weary of perpetual dodging 
 
 From house to house, in search of board and lodging ! 
 
 Faint was my heart, but, with Pandora's scope, 
 
 I find in every box a lurking hope ; 
 
 My dancing spirits know of no dechne. 
 
 Here's the first tier you've ever seen of mine. 
 
 Oh, my kind friends ! befriend me still, as you 
 
 Have in the bygone times been wont to do ; 
 
 Make me your ward against each ill designer, 
 
 And prove Lord Chancellor to a female Minor. 
 
 Cheer on my comrades, too, in their career ; 
 
 Some of your favourites are around me here. 
 
 Give them — give me— the smiles of approbation, 
 
 In this Olympic game of speculation ; 
 
 Still aid the petticoat on old, kind principles, 
 
 And make me yet a Captain of Invincibles ! ••' 
 
 * Alluding to the elder Mr. Morton's farce of " The Invincibles," in 
 which at Covent Garden Madame Vestris had achieved a great renown.
 
 PROMETHEUS AND PANDORA. 
 
 43 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSON.^i. 
 
 MORTALS. 
 Prometheus (an eminent J/flM-ufacturer) ... Mr. J. Cooper 
 
 Swiss Boy (a 6^rm^ Anachronism) Mr. Beckwith 
 
 Pandora (a Mettlesome Lady, forged by Vulcan 
 
 to be passed upon Prometheus, and pleading 
 guilty to the nii)tor offence of ultcring notes 
 for her own Benefit) 
 
 ^L\D.\ME Vestris 
 
 IMMORTALS— OLYMPIC REVELLERS. 
 In their habits as they lived," and with the habits they've contracted. 
 
 Jupiter 
 
 Neptune 
 
 Hercules 
 
 Plutus 
 
 Vulcan 
 
 Apollo 
 
 Bacchus 
 
 Mom us 
 
 Esculapius 
 
 SOMNUS 
 
 Mars ... 
 
 Cupid 
 
 Mercury 
 
 Ganymede 
 
 Minerva 
 
 Juno ... 
 
 Hope ... 
 
 Mr. J. Knight 
 Mr. W. Young 
 }iIr. Worrell 
 Mr. Paget 
 Mr. Brown 
 Miss Mklkourne 
 Mr. \V. Vining 
 Mr. Smith 
 Mr. Coates 
 Mr. James 
 Mr. Brougham* 
 Miss Josephine 
 Mr. Newcombe 
 ^Iiss Greener. 
 Mrs. Thomas 
 Miss Stuart 
 Miss Langley 
 
 * John Brougham, subsequently the popular representative of Irish 
 characters.
 
 [45 ] 
 
 OLYMPIC REVELS; 
 
 OK, 
 
 PROMETHEUS AND PANDORA, 
 
 Scene I. — ^[ount Olympus — Jupiter, Neptune, Hercui.es, 
 and Plutus discovered at whist — Mercury staiids behind 
 Jupiter's seat — Hebe and Ganymede in umting with 
 nectar — on either side are arramred other Deities. 
 
 '^>'- 
 
 Air and Chorus — Jupiter, (See. — " Masaniello."' 
 
 Jup. Come, mind your play, and cease your joking, 
 
 Such whist as this I never knew ; 
 If, Neptune, thus you keep revoking, 
 
 I'll charge the points I lose to you. 
 Look sharp, and play your cards with care ', 
 
 Take heed, pri'thee do ; 
 The hands I hold would make a parson swear. 
 
 Chorus. Look sharp, &c. 
 
 Jup. It's your deal, Neptune — cut the cards, you Plutus. 
 
 Now, Neppy — turn up something that will suit us. 
 
 A glass of nectar, Ganymede ! {drinks) We're six. 
 Nep. No, honours were divided ^four by tricks. 
 Plu. Come, come, don't cheat us ! 
 Jup. Cheat, you stingy frump ! 
 
 Who wants to cheat ? Now, Neptune, w hat's the 
 trump ? 
 Nep. 'I'he ten of hearts. 
 Her. Then 'tis our turn to croak ; 
 
 For Neptune's hearts, we know, are hearts of oak. 
 Pi.u. {ploying) A little diamond. 
 Her. Diamond ! Oh, you brute ! 
 
 Had it Ijcen clubs I could have followed suit.
 
 46 OLYMPIC REVELS; OR, 
 
 Nep. That's a vile pun ; and Johnson used to say, 
 Who made a pun would pick a pocket. 
 
 Her. {rising, angrily) Eh ? 
 
 Jup. Curse you, be quiet, will you, with your tricks ? 
 
 {flinging down his cards) 
 I swear by clubs — poh, stuff ! — I mean, by Styx, 
 I'll play no more ; and next time, I insist. 
 When you joke— joke ; when you play whist — play 
 whist. 
 
 All. Finish the rubber. 
 
 Jup. I will not ; I say, 
 
 Turn up the table — take the cards away. 
 
 Let's have some music. Hermes, where's Apollo ? 
 
 Mer. Gone to the Glee-club, at the Cat and Swallow. 
 
 Jup. Deuce take the fellow. Where is Bacchus now? 
 
 Mer. He's at the Punch Bowl, drunk as David's sow. 
 
 Jup. Where's Mars ? 
 
 Mer. He's gone to drill. 
 
 Jup. Where's Juno, pray ? 
 
 Mer. She's in the laundry, sir ; it's washing day. 
 
 Jup. The sky's deserted. Isn't Momus there ? 
 
 Mer. No, sir ; he's eating fire at Troy Fair. 
 
 Jup. Where's Esculapius ? 
 
 Mer. Priam's rather queer. 
 
 And he's gone down to bleed him, sir. 
 
 Jup. Oh, dear ! 
 
 Then I'll to sleep ; bid Somnus step this way. 
 
 Mer. Lord, sir — he's yawning o'er the last new play. 
 
 Jup. What ! neither melody, wit, wine, nor slumber ? 
 Well, then, to business ; ere you ten can number, 
 Fly to Mount Etna ; seek the God of Fire, 
 Give him my compliments, and just inquire 
 If the last thunderbolt I broke is soldered, 
 And if he's made the lady that I ordered. 
 
 Mer. {aside) Oho ! for some new fair one he's an inkling. 
 
 Jup. What's that you say ? 
 
 Mer. I fly, sir, in a twinkling. 
 
 {Exit Mercury) 
 
 Jup. Immortals, you have heard how one Prometheus 
 Is making creatures out of clay beneath us ; 
 And from our kitchen range has pilfered coals, 
 To heat their passions, and light up their souls ; 
 
 1'
 
 PROMETHEUS AND PANDORA. 
 
 But I have formed a project to annoy him, 
 
 Perplex, confound, and in the end destroy him. 
 
 I'll feign delight at genius so uncommon, 
 
 And, for reward, present him with a woman ! 
 
 I have directed Vulcan how to make her. 
 
 And when she's finished. Mercury shall take her ; 
 
 She'll breed fine mischief, if she's what 1 think her. 
 
 Re-enter Mercury. 
 
 Returned — well flown ! How fares the lame old tinker ? 
 
 Mer. Why, sir, his leg appears a little better. 
 But for particulars, please read this letter. 
 
 JuP, {taking letter by the cor?ier, and holding it uf) 
 How dare he send me such a dirty note ? 
 He might have washed his hands before he wrote. 
 {reads) "Vulcan's respects, regrets to make Jove wait — 
 The thunderbolt will not be done till eight ; 
 The lady all his time has been demolishing, 
 But she's just finished now, except the polishing ; 
 Will bring her home himself, as soon as done — 
 Mount Etna — post meridian — half-past one." 
 The polishing ! he works confounded slow ; 
 Zounds ! I bespoke her full three weeks ago. 
 No thunder ! well, then, I must do without it 
 Till eight, that's all that I can say about it. 
 
 {Laughter and noise tcithout) 
 
 Peace there, I say — -who dares make such a rout? 
 
 Pray what are all my new police about ? 
 
 Hermes, report — who is it so uproarious ? 
 Mer. They're bringing Bacchus home, sir, \ery glorious. 
 JuP. A nasty drunken dog ! 
 
 Enter Bacchus, supported by Pan a7id Sii.exus Two 
 Bacchantes carrying his tub. 
 
 So, sir, it's you ? 
 Bac. Your most obedient, daddy, how d'ye do ? 
 Jup. If your poor mother, Semele, were here, 
 
 'Twould break her heart to see you look so queer. 
 
 l''or shame ! you have forgotten all you owed her. 
 
 Make him sit down — give him some hock and soda.
 
 48 OLYMPIC REVELS; OR, 
 
 Bac. Indeed, pa— I've scarce touch'd a drop of drink, 
 
 And what's made me so ill I cannot think ; 
 
 But as to all that stuff about my mother. 
 
 She took her grog as well as any other. 
 Mer. {aside, to Jupiter) He's play'd the deuce, sir, with 
 his best apparel ; 
 
 He was so drunk he could not sit his barrel. 
 
 Air and Chorus — '■^ Der Ereyschutz." 
 
 JUP. Look the reeling rascal after, 
 
 Yonder comes the God of Laughter, 
 I Holding both his sides — Huzza ! 
 
 Enter MoMUS. 
 Welcome, Momus — ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Chorus — Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ! ha ! ha 1 
 
 Momus. Lo ! where from the Cat and Swallow, 
 Comes your sun and air, Apollo. 
 Home's not " sweet home," when he's awa. 
 Welcome, Phoebus — ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Enter Avo\a.o, followed by Mars ««d^ Esculapius. 
 Chorus — Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Jup. Now we'll have fiddling and some songs between ; 
 
 We will, by Styx ! 
 Momus. By fiddle-sticks you mean. 
 
 Jup. But here comes Vulcan, fast as he can drive. 
 
 And with his handy-work, as I'm alive. 
 
 Now all your voices raise, ye gods combined, 
 
 To hail this paragon of womankind. 
 
 Vulcan rises in the centre of the stage, with Pandora. 
 
 Chorus — " Der Freyschutz.'^ 
 
 Victoria ! with shouts let Olympus be riven, 
 
 A forger like Vulcan must needs be forgiven. 
 
 Jove himself might believe his own deed there he saw, 
 
 Victoria ! Victoria ! Victoria !
 
 PROMETHEUS AND PANDORA. 49 
 
 Jup. A very clever work, indeed, son V, 
 
 And as like life as any thing can be. 
 VuL. It's not for me to sing to my own praises ; 
 
 And yet I may say (as the earthly phrase is) 
 
 I have seen Avorse. 
 Jup. Worse ? I ne'er saw a better ; 
 
 You've followed my instructions to the letter. 
 VuL. I did my best your wishes to fulfil ; 
 
 I'm glad she pleases ; here's my little bill, (giving it) 
 Jup. Your bill, sly rogue ! you know the way to thrive. 
 
 (reads) " To a new lass of metal — five pounds five." 
 
 jMy ready cash just now is all expended ; 
 
 I'll pay you when the thunderbolt is mended. 
 
 Now all your various powers as gifts I claim, 
 
 Ye Deities, to deck this dainty dame. 
 
 Let Love begin, and with his subtle dart 
 
 Give animation to her eyes and heart. 
 
 ^/r— Cupid— " Cest L Amour:' 
 
 Yes, 'tis Love — 'tis Love — 'tis Love ; 
 
 His power that first imparts, 
 Yes, 'tis Love — 'tis Love — 'tis Love. 
 That hails thee Queen of hearts. 
 
 (to Pandora) 
 Jup. Now Phoebus give her tongue a gentle swing. 
 And bid the bright belle mettle sweetly ring. 
 
 Air — Apollo — " Glorious Apollo.'''' 
 
 Glorious Apollo, every charm bestowing, 
 
 Which from the melody of song can flow, 
 When youthful souls are with soft affection glowing, 
 Bids thee it's magic shed, o'er all below. 
 Pan. (taking np the air) To life just awaking, 
 My silence thus breaking, 
 " Lisping in numbers," all trembling I go. 
 
 Air — Esculapius — " Punch cures the Gout." 
 
 I cure the gout, the colic, and the phthysic, 
 .\nd am known by every one, 
 
 And am known by every one, 
 
 K
 
 50 OLYMPIC REVELS; OR, 
 
 To be the God of Physic. 
 I'll give you health, my dear, 
 Plu. I promise wealth, my dear. 
 Bac. I'll think of something, dear, 
 
 When I am sober. 
 Venus. Lasting thy charms shall be. 
 MoMUS. Mirth still shall wait on thee. 
 Mars. I commission you, invincibly, 
 
 To March from October.''' 
 
 Jup. Well sung i'faith ! — she blushes like Aurora, 
 
 What shall her name be ? Ah ! I have't. Pandora. 
 But ere to earth I send the 'witching elf, 
 I'll sing a song, and make a gift myself. 
 
 Air — Jupiter — " Count Almaviva." Marriage of 
 
 Figaro. 
 
 (aside) Master Prometheus, thou compound of evil, 
 With thy manufactures I'll soon play the Devil ; 
 You couldn't be quiet, and let folks alone. 
 So now, master Pro., you may look to your own. 
 {aloud to Pandora) This pretty casket, fair lady, is. 
 
 yours ; 
 While 'tis kept closed, it good fortune ensures. 
 Take it with this caution, — mind, 'tis a strong one ! 
 If you open this box, you'll get in the wrong one. 
 
 {aside) Master Prometheus, &c. 
 
 Now, Hermes, fly as fast as you are able, 
 Saddle the swiftest cloud that's in my stable ; 
 Bear her to earth, the shortest way that you know. 
 And— fire and fury ! here comes my spouse Juno. 
 
 Enter Juno. 
 
 Recitative — Juno. 
 
 Monster ! forbear ! you little thought me listening. 
 But I have overheard this precious christening. 
 
 * The usual season of the Olympic Theatre, at that period, extended 
 from the first of October to the latter end of March.
 
 PROMETHEUS AND PANDORA. 51 
 
 Air — '■^Jiidy CallagJia?i." 
 
 But don't think me to deceive, 
 
 I've caught you out again, sir ; 
 I do begin to believe, 
 
 The devil's in all the men, sir. 
 It Avas but Tuesday last, 
 
 I granted you my pardon ; 
 But tho' your word is past, 
 
 You mind it not a farden. 
 Don't tell me ; 
 
 I much better than you know, 
 
 For such as she {sconifidly to Pandora) 
 
 Jupiter's false to Juno. 
 
 But I'll be revenged, I swear, 
 
 Or I'm not Saturn's daughter ; 
 I'll follow her thro' the air • 
 
 I'll hunt her thro' earth and water. 
 Concealment shan't avail, 
 
 I'll find her by my spies out ! 
 I'll hold you both to bail. 
 
 And then — I'll scratch her eyes out ! 
 Don't tell me ! 
 
 I've defeated your plan again ; 
 
 You, Miss P., {to Pandora) 
 
 Please to give me my man again. 
 
 Jup. {aside) Will nothing stop that angry woman's 
 chatter ? 
 
 {to Juno) My dearest Juno, you mistake the matter. 
 
 The lady against whom your anger's bended, 
 
 A wife for young Prometheus is intended. 
 
 We've one and all been making presents to her, 
 
 And I'm rejoiced you came in time to view her. 
 
 Pandora, — my spouse, Juno ; pray be friends. 
 
 And give her something, love, to make amends. 
 Juno. I ask your pardon, miss, if that's the case, — 
 
 {aside) I hate the jade — she has such a pretty face ; 
 
 {aloud) And for apology my gift shall be. 
 
 Woman's dear passion — Curiosity. 
 
 E 2
 
 52 OLYMPIC REVELS; OR, 
 
 Jup. {aside) As I could wish ; now may Prometheus win 
 her! 
 (aloud) Farewell, Pandora ; come, friends, let's to 
 dinner. 
 
 (Chorus—" Oh I the Roast Beef.") 
 
 If mortals who cannot exist upon air. 
 
 Could see us at dinner, ye gods, how they'd stare ; 
 
 See us Hydro^/« quaff, and on Oxygen fare. 
 
 Singing, " Oh, the roast beef of Olympus, 
 
 And O the Olympic roast beef." 
 
 {During the chorus Mercury disappears ivith Pandora, 
 and the clouds close upon the Deities) 
 
 Scene II. — A Street on Earth. 
 
 Enter Mercury and Pandora. 
 
 Mer. Well, ma'am, I hope your journey has been pleasant, 
 
 Pan. Couldn't be otherwise with you, sir, present. 
 
 Mer. Madam, you flatter me, you make me proud. 
 
 Pan. How easily one travels on a cloud ! 
 
 Mer. And swiftly, too, ma'am, when the wind is fair, 
 And we'd a very favourable air. 
 They talk of steam upon our royal mail-road, 
 x\nd Juno vows and swears she'll have a railroad. 
 But come, 'tis time for us to look about. 
 And see if we can find Prometheus out ; 
 This is the street, I think, and near the spot- 
 But if I know the number, I'll be shot. 
 
 Pan. There's some one coming — what if we ask this boy ? 
 
 Mer. With all my heart — he seems to be a Swiss boy. 
 
 Enter Swiss Boy, zmth milk pails. 
 Trio — Boy, Mercury, and Pandora — " The Swiss Boy.'" 
 
 Boy. Am not I, am not I, say, a big Swiss boy, 
 Weighing hard upon twenty stone ?
 
 PROMETHEUS AND PANDORA. 53 
 
 I live free from cares, uj) tliree pair of stairs, 
 
 Beside a young frau of my own. 
 From morn till night my trade I ply, 
 And "milk below !" I call so high. 
 " Milk below, milk below ;" still I cry as I go, 
 "Milk beloAv, pretty maids — milk below." 
 
 Mercury and Pandora. 
 
 Prithee say — prithee say — now, my brave Swiss boy, 
 Where Prometheus lives do you know ? 
 
 Boy. 
 
 I were surely a flat, if I couldn't tell that ; 
 For he made me not three weeks ago. 
 
 Mercury and Pandora. 
 
 Then, lead us there, you can't say nay ; 
 
 For we have come from the milky way. 
 
 Milk above 1 milk above, has prepared us to love. 
 
 Milk below ! milk below ! milk below ! 
 Mer. Friend, there's strong sympathy 'twixt me and you — 
 
 I skim the blue sky, you skim the sky-blue. 
 
 This is — 
 Boy. Some star, of course, sir, by her brightness ? 
 Pan. {aside) Sweet milk-boy ! he's the cream of all 
 
 politeness. 
 ;Mer. You're right — she is a star, and hither flown. 
 
 To light a little system of her own. 
 
 P'eeling her way — twinkling 'midst hope and doubt. 
 
 You wouldn't be the man to put her out ? 
 Boy. The man who would, deserves to walk in blindness ! 
 
 I trust I bear the milk of human kindness. 
 
 Trio — Boy, Mercury, «-^^ Pandora — "Za Galopade" 
 
 Come, follow me, Fll lead you straight, 
 Prometheus shuts uj) shop at eight. 
 
 And if you wouldn't be too late, 
 
 Why you must gallop hard.
 
 54 OLYMPIC REVELS; OR, 
 
 Mercury. 
 
 In speed to fail 
 
 I shan't begin, {stumbles over pail) 
 
 But curse that pail, 
 
 It's broke my shin. 
 INIy legs and wings accommodate, 
 Or I can't gallop hard. 
 
 All. Come along, come along, without more debate. 
 Prometheus shuts up shop at eight, 
 And we shall surely be too late. 
 
 Unless we gallop hard. 
 
 {They dance off) 
 
 Scene III. — Prometheus' ivorkshop. 
 
 Prometheus discovered reading letters. 
 
 " King Tereus is out of subjects sadly, 
 Prometheus really treats him very badly, 
 He promised him a gross without delay." 
 Why, zounds ! he had a gross the other day ; 
 He thinks men made as easily as hay. 
 Let's see what t'other wants — " A batch of peers, 
 Two China courtiers, and twelve grenadiers ; 
 The grenadiers may be of delf, but higher 
 Than the last lot, and able to stand fire. 
 The others, as the battle's heat increases. 
 Bounce, break, and fly into a thousand pieces." 
 Of course, the fool — does he expect such new men, 
 Will stand and be shot at like Waterloo men ? 
 It isn't my fault, if they don't last longer, 
 I've got no English stuff to make 'em stronger. 
 But what a roaring trade I'm driving, burn me ! 
 But I can scarcely tell which way to turn me. 
 What ho, there. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Lay the cloth, it's time to sup.
 
 PROMETHEUS AND PANDORA, 55 
 
 Serv. There's Mercury below, sir. 
 
 Prom. Shew him up. 
 
 {Exit Servant) 
 
 Enter Mercury atid Pandora, 
 
 Air — Mercury — " Giovinetti. " 
 
 Jove in etiquette's face boldly flying, 
 Its dictates defying, 
 
 Condescends first to bid war be stayed ; 
 On your future good conduct relying, 
 Your genius espying. 
 
 He sends you this fair ready maid. 
 Since clay you are clever at moulding, 
 A model like this still beholding, 
 Will surely, your talents unfolding. 
 
 Soon bring to perfection your trade. 
 
 Prom. Sir, your good news delights me beyond measure, 
 
 I shall esteem the lady quite a treasure. 
 
 Of course, you know that making men my trade is. 
 
 I've got no clay that's fine enough for ladies. 
 
 And at the first glance of that witching dame, 
 
 1 felt within my heart a raging flame. 
 
 Much hotter than the one from Jove I stole ; 
 
 You smile, ma'am, but it's true, upon my soul. 
 Mer. She's yours, sir, if you like her — so good bye, 
 
 I must away as fast as I can fly. {Exit) 
 
 Prom. Farewell — remember me to all up stairs. 
 
 Now, welcome ])leasure, and begone my cares. 
 
 Earth will seem heaven, while we together range it. 
 
 Tell me your name, that I may haste and change it. 
 
 y^/>— Pandora — Tyrolienne — " Guillawnc Tell." 
 
 My only name is Pandora — a— a — a — a, &c. 
 
 This morn I came from Mount Etna — a — a — a — a, 
 
 &c. 
 By Jove I am sent to be. 
 Your ch('re amie, and so d'ye see, 
 I'll have you if you'll have me. 
 Etcetera — a — a — a — a, &c. 
 My only name is Pandora — a — a — a — a, &C.
 
 56 OLYMPIC REVELS; OR, 
 
 I've travelled far, 
 
 On cloudy car, — a — a — a — a, &c. 
 
 I have no pa — a — a— a — a, 
 
 I have no ma — a — a — a — a — a, 
 
 No friend or relation 
 
 To get me a situation. 
 
 So have some consideration, 
 
 For poor Pandora ! 
 
 Prom. Consideration ! No, I won't consider 
 A single moment ; I'm the highest bidder 
 iVgainst the world. Great Jupiter's decree, 
 And Vulcan's hammer, knocked you down to me. 
 Thy lot of love is mine, thou rosy rogue, 
 The greatest bargain in fate's catalogue. 
 
 Pan. You'll wed me, then ? 
 
 Prom. Can'st doubt it ? I but go 
 
 To give some orders to my clerks below, 
 And back I'll hasten, like the travelled dove, 
 To sup on wild ducks with my dearest love. 
 
 Pan, But may I trust you ? You vile men betray so. 
 
 Prom. Upon my honour, madam ! By my say so ! 
 
 Duet — Prometheus and Pandora — '■'■Rise Gejiile Moon.' 
 
 Projni. Ere I go down to make out a small bill — O, 
 
 Promise to wed you I certainly will — O. 
 
 But cookey hurries on the table to cover ; 
 
 Stay then, and sup on wild ducks with thy lover. 
 
 Gentle maid, gentle maid, stay and sup with thy lover. 
 Pan. While in such terms you continue to woo me, 
 
 Sweeter than supper will you be unto me. 
 
 Let the wild ducks still, the red cook growl over. 
 
 Thou art the duck of all ducks for a lover ! 
 
 Gentle youth, gentle youth, thou'rt a duck of a lover ! 
 Prom. But have you not some luggage with you, dear ? 
 Pan. Only one little box — behold it here. 
 Prom. How, nothing else ? Nought coming by the carrier ? 
 
 (aside) Oh, what a fool I was to say I'd marry her. 
 
 (aloud) Can you your wardrobe in that small trunk- 
 pack ? 
 Pan. Oh, no. My wardrobe, sir, is on my back.
 
 PROMETHEUS AXD PANDORA. 57 
 
 Prom. "WTiat? then, may be, your fortune's in that case ? 
 Pan. You're wTong again, my fortune's in my face. 
 Pro^^i. What ! did the shabby Thunderer send you down 
 
 Without a change of dress, or half-a-crown ? 
 
 (aside) A precious business, neither goods nor money ; 
 
 Confound it — I've the comb without the honey. 
 
 Well, I can't help myself, so needn't try ; 
 
 She's taken in now — and 'gad, so am I. 
 
 {aloud) Stay and amuse yourself, since here you are ; 
 
 If you feel heavy, there's a " light guitar." {Exit) 
 
 Pan. Alone, by Jingo ! Now I'll have a peep 
 
 At this same box of mine, before I sleep, 
 
 Not that I'm curious — no — it isn't that, 
 
 But I must have a peep, and will, that's flat. 
 
 Air — Pandora — •" Gentle Zitella" Brigand. 
 
 Pro's in the cellar, 
 
 Out of the way ; 
 Now is the moment, 
 
 The peeper to play ! 
 Too long I've lingered — - 
 
 So open ye locks : 
 There can be no great harm 
 
 In so small a box ! 
 Jove's a sly fellow ! 
 
 Loves hoaxing, I hear ; 
 In that case, from this one 
 
 I've nothing to fear. 
 
 Can it be lip salve ? 
 
 Or sweet lollipops ? 
 Pretty pearl earrings ? 
 
 Or peppermint drops ? 
 Things such as these 
 
 In the case should there be, 
 Jove's prohibition's 
 
 All fiddle-de-dee ! 
 Jove's a sly fellow, 
 
 Loves hoaxing, I hear ; 
 In tliat case, from tliis one 
 
 I've nothing to fear. 
 {spealdng) Perhaps it's snuff! upon the truth I've fixed, 
 sure ! {smelling to it)
 
 58 OLYMPIC REVELS; OR, 
 
 It's " Lundyfoots," I think — or " Prince's mixture." 
 
 I'm half afraid — yet wherefore should I flinch ? 
 
 If it be snuff, 'twill serve me at a pinch ; 
 
 It can but make me sneeze — egad, I'll try ! 
 
 If I don't see what's in it I shall die. 
 
 And did Jove think me such a simple flat ? 
 
 Hoax me with snuff! No, no^I'm up to that. 
 
 Air {resumed). 
 
 Thinks he " I'll tell her 
 
 Of trap to beware ; 
 Warn her of some suptx- 
 
 Natural snare." 
 Ah ! " siip "—I have it ! 
 
 I see through his fun \ 
 'Tis Macaroni, 
 
 As sure as a gun ! 
 In Vermicelli 
 
 There's nothing to fear — 
 Up goes the lid, though 
 
 Old Harry were here ! 
 
 Now then to see the play ! Oh, lucky elf, 
 I've got a private box all to myself ! 
 
 Music. — Opens the box — crash without — thunder — clouds fill 
 the stage, and Fiends of every description issue from it 
 iwmiltuously. 
 
 Enter Prometheus, 
 
 Air — Prometheus — " Bonnie Laddie ! Highland 
 
 Laddie I " 
 
 Here's a pretty kettle of fish, 
 
 Oh, Pandora, fie, Pandora ! 
 All my earthenware they'll dish, 
 
 Oh, Pandora, fie, Pandora ! 
 Would that we had never met. 
 
 Oh, Pandora, fie. Pandora ! 
 I shall be in the gazette. 
 
 Oh, Pandora, fie. Pandora ! {Scene changes) 
 
 Thunder. — Jupiter, Juno, atid all the Deities appear; 
 Prometheus and Pandora kneel.
 
 PROMETHEUS AND PANDORA. 59 
 
 J UP. Aha ! my fine man-maker, so I've caught you, 
 
 And on your marrow bones for mercy brought you ; 
 And you, Miss P., I care not for your weeping; 
 By all the powers I'll make you pay for peeping. 
 
 Air — Jupiter — " Dunce I did hut s/ia»i" Midas. 
 
 Since you've let out the sin, 
 That you might have kept in, 
 
 To wander and vex the world through, 
 You must own it's but right 
 That my vengeance should light. 
 
 In the first place, ye worms, upon you. 
 {to Pandora) To an ugly old maid, 
 You shall dwindle and fade. 
 
 In spite of your patches and paint, 
 {to Prometheus) And to punish your flights, 
 And the theft of my lights. 
 
 You shall die of a liver complaint. 
 
 {A vulture descends and fastens on the side of Prometheus) 
 
 All the Deities. Oh, spare them, mighty Jove. 
 Jup. Peace and knock under ! 
 
 It's eight o'clock, rogues, and I've got my thunder. 
 Mix. Hold — hold, papa, your anger please abate ; 
 
 Wisdom can sometimes pluck the thorns from fate. 
 
 {to Pandora) Look in the box — nor to despair give 
 scope. 
 Pan. Heyday ! what's this, pray, at the bottom ? 
 
 Hope rises out of the box. 
 
 Hope. Hope ! 
 
 Air — Hope — ^^ Jlope told a Flatterijig Tale.'" 
 
 Hope bids ye not despair 
 
 {to Pandora and Prometheus) 
 
 Nor yield to idle grief; 
 Tho' earth be filled with Care, 
 
 'Tis Hope that brings relief. 
 Then your decree repeal, {to Jupiter) 
 
 Nor give your anger scope ; 
 Or you yourself may feel. 
 
 Too soon the loss of Hope.
 
 6o OLYMPIC REVELS. 
 
 Jup. {to Pandora and Prometheus) 
 
 You're pardon'd. Go to Mrs. Hope, and thank her ; 
 
 Grief disappears, wherever she casts anchor. 
 Prom. Ay, and that grief from all may disappear, 
 
 (to the Audience) 
 
 Hope humbly begs she may cast anchor here. 
 Pan, Smile, ye kind gods, on our Olympic Revels ; 
 
 Ye gay gallants, come, banish my blue devils, 
 
 Let not my grapes be sour as the fox's, 
 
 But fill with patrons all Pandora's boxes. 
 
 Finale — ^^ Think not, lewd Jove, ^'' Midas. 
 
 Pan. Ye belles and ye beaux, 
 
 Who adorn our low rows 
 Ye gods, who preside in the high ones ; 
 
 Ye critics, who sit 
 
 All so snug in the pit, — 
 An assemblage of clever and sly ones ! 
 
 Let the smile of content 
 
 On our efforts be bent ; 
 Hope anxiously waits an encora ; 
 
 In the fate-dooming scale, 
 
 Oh ! let mercy prevail, 
 And be kind to poor little Pandora. 
 
 Prom. Prometheus, poor elf, 
 
 Manufacturer of delf 
 Men, — begs you'll still allow him to make 'em. 
 
 Your favours impart 
 
 To each crockery heart, 
 For your anger will certainly break 'em. 
 
 Jup. Even Hope must despair, 
 
 If her hope be baulk'd there, 
 Where most she implores an encora ; 
 
 Then follow Jove's lead, 
 
 And let Hope intercede 
 For Prometheus and little Pandora. 
 
 CURTAIN.
 
 OLY MPIC DEVI LS; 
 
 OK, 
 
 ORPHEUS AND EURYDICE. 
 
 AN ORIGINAL 
 
 AIYTHOL GICAL B URLESQ UE B URLE TTA, 
 
 IN ONE ACT. 
 
 First performed at jMadame Vestris's Royal Olympic Theatre, Monday, 
 
 December 26th, 183 1.
 
 [6 
 
 o 
 
 OLYMPIC DEVILS; 
 
 OR, 
 
 ORPHEUS AND EUR Y DICE. 
 
 The success of the " Olympic Revels " was exceeded, if 
 possible, by that of " Olympic Devils," our second classical 
 burletta, produced on Monday, the 26th of December fol- 
 lowing, and brought crowded houses to the end of the 
 season (131 nights). On this occasion another advance was 
 made in the decorative departments. Haste and lack of 
 funds had compelled Madame Vestris to make the best she 
 could of the old stock scenery at starting ; but having now 
 both time and money, it was determined that the scenery 
 should be picturesque, and in keeping with the dresses. 
 
 We had a most infernal Tartarus, a very gloomy Styx, 
 and a truly beautiful Greek landscape, Avith the portico of 
 the Temple of Bacchus, the columns of which joined in the 
 general dance when " Orpheus with his lute made trees " 
 stir their stumps, &c., to the great delight of the audience. 
 The Bacchanalian procession, arranged by Oscar Byrne, 
 considering the size of the .stage and the numbers em- 
 ployed, could not well have been surpassed at that time by 
 the Patent Houses for picture and animation. A prominent 
 feature in the tableau formed at the end of the march was 
 a young Bacchante reclining listlessly on a leopard skin
 
 64 OLYMPIC DEVILS ; OR, 
 
 before the steps of the Temple. It was a study for Etty. 
 The young lady's name v/as Leonora Pincott. She is now, un- 
 happily, the widow of that intelligent actor, the late Mr. 
 Alfred Wigan, and I need scarcely say, shared with him for 
 many years the favour of the public. 
 
 "Olympic Devils" is memorable for having afforded the late 
 Mr. James Bland the first opportunity of developing those 
 special abilities which were of such invaluable service to 
 me in so many of my subsequent productions, and estab- 
 lished his claim to be entitled the " King of Extravaganza " 
 par excellence. He was the eldest son of one of our most 
 delightful English vocalists, Mrs. Bland, the Coquetinda 
 of my " Amoroso," to whom he was devotedly attached, and 
 when I first made his acquaintance he was engaged at 
 Drury Lane, at a very small salary, as a titility. Being a 
 well conducted and intelligent young man, he was entrusted 
 with subordinate parts in the plays of Shakespeare — such as 
 the Player King in "Hamlet," Tressel in "Richard in.,"&c. 
 As an old friend of his mother, he often confided to me his 
 professional anxieties and aspirations ; and finding that 
 he possessed a good baritone voice and a thorough know- 
 ledge of music — qualifications of no use to him in the line 
 of business allotted to him — it was with great pleasure that 
 at the termination of his engagement at Old Drury I recom- 
 mended him to Madame Vestris, who was at that period 
 arranging for her second campaign at the Olympic. Amply 
 did he justify my recommendation, and for sixteen years 
 remained a loyal, valuable, and highly esteemed member of 
 her company, both there and at Covent Garden.
 
 ORPHEUS AXD EUR YD ICE. 
 
 65 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS. 
 
 INFERNALS. 
 
 Pluto (King of " Oh no we never mention it,' 
 
 an Iffi/'-enous Deity) ... 
 Proserpine (his Queen " by Jupiter !" an /w/ 
 
 rovident Housewife) ... 
 Minos (Lord /o7£' Chancellor) ) 1 r j, f- 1 
 Rhadamanthus( FiV^ Chancellor) I U j^'Z-arti^i 
 ^Acus (Master of the [/loi] Rolls j J ""^^^^^ 
 
 T »^,rc-,c 1 (Three //«/-enetrable Spinsters 
 Atropes j "all of that Parish ) 
 
 TlSIPHONE\ 
 
 Megara s (Three /w/'lacable Furies) 
 
 Alecto j 
 
 Cerberus (ZTira^/ Porter, an /w/-udent Dog) .. 
 
 IxiON 
 
 Sisyphus 
 
 Charon (a Wherry Ferry Funny Fireman 
 Waterman, and /w/-orter of Spirits) 
 
 Leader of Pluto's Band (an /;M/-posing Professor, with an /w//-romptu 
 
 Performance) by Old Scratch, from Fiddler's Green, who 
 
 is /w/-eratively engaged on this occasion. 
 
 M 
 
 Mr. j. Bland 
 
 Miss Fitzwalter 
 Mr. Raymond 
 Mr. Sheriff 
 Mr. D. Smith 
 Miss H. Ireland 
 Miss S. Ireland 
 Miss Ireland 
 Miss Lewis 
 Mrs. Thomas 
 Mrs. Rowel. 
 Mr. Bland 
 
 T. Smith 
 
 Leffler 
 
 Mr. 
 Mr. 
 
 Mr. Cooper 
 
 SUPERNALS. 
 
 Phcebus Apollo (a Shining Chatacter) ... 
 Pan (a Pan-tomimic Character) ... 
 SiLENUS (a Drunken Character) 
 
 Mr. T. Raymond 
 Mr. Collier 
 Mr. W. ViNiNG 
 
 IMMORTAL MORTALS. 
 
 Orpheus (a Charming Musician) Madame Vestris 
 
 Eurydice (his Departed Wife) Miss Forde 
 
 Bacchantes : Miss Pincott, Miss A. Crawford, Miss Norman, 
 Mrs. Worrell, and Miss Josephine. 
 
 Priests of Bacchus : Messrs. Franklin and Galli. 
 
 Principal Dancers : Mesdms. Bennett, Pressdee, Gilmer, and 
 
 Rayner. 
 
 Satyrs, Fauns, Bacchae, &c., by Messrs. Hitchinson, Ireland, D. Smith, 
 Lee, Thompson, and Mesdms. Beresford, Greener, Worrell, Patterson, 
 
 Melbourne, Nicholson.
 
 [66] 
 PROGRAMME OF THE SCENERY. 
 
 PLUTO'S FIRESIDE, 
 
 With a Peep at the Champs Elysees, but not a la Modk 
 
 DE Paris. 
 " Hark ! he strikes his golden lyre ; 
 See the shady forms advance ; 
 Thy stone, O Sisyphus, stand still ; 
 Ixion rests upon his wheel, 
 And the pale spectres dance. 
 He sung and * * * * consented. 
 To hear the poet's prayer — 
 Stern Proserpine relented, 
 And gave him back the fair." — Pope. 
 
 BARRIERE D' ENFER, Equally un-Parisian. 
 
 " But soon, too soon, the lover turns his eyes — 
 Again she falls, again she dies." — Pope. 
 
 Temple of Bacchits, on the Banks of the Hebrns, TJirace. 
 
 A BACCHANALIAN PROCESSION. 
 Orpheus discovered Sleeping alone, and waking beside himself, 
 " Where Hebrus wanders, 
 
 Rolling in meanders. 
 ***** 
 
 He makes his moan, 
 And calls her ghost. 
 For ever, ever lost ! " — Pope. 
 
 AN ENTIRE COUNTRY DANCE, 
 
 Wherein several of the Company will make Beasts of themselves, in 
 humble imitation of their betters. 
 " Orpheus, with his lute made trees. 
 And the mountain tops that freeze, 
 Bow themselves when he did sing," — Shakespeare. 
 
 Orpheus' s Pipe put out by the Bacchcu, 
 
 Who tear him (as is reported) into 20 pieces. 
 
 SWIMMING OF THE HEAD DOWN THE HEBRUS. 
 
 (A Classical Complaint.) 
 
 " Yet even in death Eurydice he sung, 
 Eurydice still trembled on his tongue ; 
 Eurydice the woods — 
 Eurydice the floods ; 
 Eurydice the rocks and hollow mountains rung." — Pope. 
 
 DESCENT OF PHCEBUS ! 
 
 ORIGIN OF I HE CONSTELLATION LYRA. 
 
 And Conclusion drawn by the Scene Painter and come to by the 
 
 Characters.
 
 [ ^7 1 
 
 OLYMPIC DEVILS; 
 
 OR, 
 
 ORPHEUS AND EURYDICE 
 
 Scene First. — Imperial Palace of Pluto—/// the centre, 
 his throne — portal leading to the Elysian Fields — another 
 leading to Tartarus. 
 
 Pluto, Minus, Rhadamanthus, and ^Eacus, seated at a 
 table, as after dinner, 7i>ith flaming goblets before them — • 
 Proserpine, the Three Fates, and the Three Furies, 
 at another table, 7vith tea and coffee — Fiends 7('aiting 
 on both parties. 
 
 Glee — Pluto, Minos, Rhadamanthus, and 
 ^acus — '•' Mynheer Vandunk^ 
 
 Olympian Jove, 
 
 In his bowers above, 
 
 Drinks nectar by gallons gaily ; 
 But our thirst we slake, 
 From a brimstone lake. 
 
 Which is " warm without sugar" daily ; 
 Singing, oh ! that a jjool of punch had we, 
 Instead of a flaming sulphur sea ! 
 
 Pi.u. Another bowl full of that nasty stuff; 
 
 One must drink something. 
 Pros. Sure, you've drunk enough ; 
 
 You set a bad example to all Hades. 
 
 Your coffee's ready ; come, and join the ladies. 
 MiN. {rising) Ay, ay, no more ! Some coffee, ma'am, for 
 me; 
 
 I'm scarce as sober as a judge should be. 
 
 F 2
 
 68 OLYMPIC DEVILS; OR, 
 
 Pros. I thought Lord Minos would the first be arter us ! 
 
 Do you take cream ? 
 MiN. A Uttle cream of Tartarus. 
 
 Well, ladies, {to the Fates) hard at work, whatever 
 wind stirs ; 
 
 I vow you Fates are most industrious spinsters ! 
 
 Miss Clotho there — man's destiny beginning — 
 
 Life's thread at tea, like a te-totum spinning. 
 
 And then Miss Lachesis that same thread measures, 
 
 Taking great pains, but giving little pleasures, 
 
 Last comes Miss Atropos, her part fulfilling, 
 
 And cuts poor mortals off without a shilling. 
 
 The saddest sister of the fatal three, 
 
 Daughter, indeed, of shear necessity ! 
 
 Plying her awful task with due decorum ! 
 
 A never-ceasing game of " Snip, snap, snorum !" 
 
 For help, alas ! man pleads to her in vain — 
 
 Her motto's " Cut and never come again." 
 Plu. irises) Well, that's no news. Who's seen the evening 
 paper ? 
 
 How are the funds? 
 Pros. Mine, sir, are rather taper. 
 
 {shelving a purse empty) 
 Plu. Already ! Well, of all the burning shames — 
 
 When you've just drawn your quarter ! Sparks and 
 flames ! 
 
 The God of Riches might be ruin'd thus ! 
 
 My name, ma'am, is Plu/^, and not VXutus. 
 
 How have you melted all that sum away ? 
 Pros. Lost a cool hundred t'other night at play. 
 Plu. " Lost a cool hundred ! " Why, thou Queen of Sin I 
 
 Is this a place to lose cool hundreds in ? 
 
 MiN. Come, you're too warm 
 
 Plu. Warm ! — when such tales are told me ! 
 
 She'll make these realms of mine too hot to hold me. 
 
 Well as she knows the swarms of black legs round her, 
 
 She must sit down to ecarte, confound her ! 
 
 Air — Pluto — ^^ Alice Gray." 
 
 I've all the dangers painted her. 
 In language quite divine.
 
 ORPHEUS AND EUR YD ICE. 69 
 
 But she doesn't care a farthing — 
 
 She scorns advice of mine ! 
 
 Not Jove himself has power to curb 
 
 Her passion, sir, for play ! 
 
 And my bank, my bank she's breaking, 
 
 Through her love of ecarte ! 
 
 To change her course I pray'd her. 
 
 And she answer'd " I propose " 
 
 And widely said, " I mark the king " — 
 
 As if she felt my woes. 
 
 The king she mark'd — it wasn't me ! 
 
 She but proposed — to play ! 
 
 Oh my bank, my bank she's breaking, 
 
 Through her love of ecarte. 
 
 Rhad. Come, come, be calm, and change the conversation. 
 
 Atropos cuts a thread from the spindle^ and the Ladies 
 scream a)id rise alarmed). 
 
 MiN. You've thrown the ladies into consternation ! 
 
 Here's poor Miss Atropos in such a taking ! 
 
 She's cut some thread she didn't mean — with shaking. 
 Plu. 'Sdeath ! you don't say so ! That's an awkward 
 
 blunder ! 
 Rhad. Whose Hfe was hanging on that thread, I wonder ? 
 Pros. Here is the number, sir — whose can it be ? 
 MiN. {searching in his urn) The wife of Orpheus — fair 
 Eurydice ! 
 
 Here'll be a dust ! Confound it, how provoking ! 
 
 Pros, {to Pluto) I hope you're satisfied 
 
 Plu. Nay, nay, you're joking ? 
 
 MiN. Not I, indeed ! The woman's gone, depend on't. 
 
 And almost come ere this — so there's an end on't. 
 Plu. Ho ! Cerberus ! Why don't the fellow stir ? 
 
 Will you come here or not, you ugly cur 1 
 
 Enter Cerberus. 
 
 Run to the ferry-house — the Barley Mow, 
 And send old Charon hither. 
 Cer. {shaking his three heads) Bow — wow — wow 1
 
 70 OLYMPIC DEVILS; OR, 
 
 Plu. Not leave the door ? Poh ! nonsense ! it's hard by — 
 
 You'll not be gone a minute. Hie — boy — hie ! 
 
 Haven't you got three heads, and can't you fix 
 
 One eye upon your post, pray, out of six ? 
 
 None of your dogged looks — but trot, sir, do ! 
 
 And send him here instanter ! 
 Cer. {nodd{7ig) Boo — woo — woo ! 
 
 {Exit) 
 Pros. My pretty poodle, he's as white as whey, — 
 
 The Furies wash and comb him every day. 
 Plu. Charon will tell us if she's hail'd his boat, — ■ 
 
 A better fellow never was afloat. 
 
 Air — Pluto — ^^ Jolly Young Water ma7i.'" 
 
 O, who hasn't heard of the jolly old waterman, 
 Charon, who plies on the Styx here hard by ? 
 If you'd cross the ferry, first step in his wherry, 
 You're over ere you can Jack Robinson cry. 
 He looks rather grim, but he rows so steadily, 
 Smuggles his spirits across so readily, 
 One way or other, the Fates take good care, 
 This waterman ne'er is in want of a fare ! 
 
 He comes ! {to Proserpine) I'll thank you for another 
 Clip. 
 
 Efiter Charon. 
 
 Char. A boat, your honour? — the tide's running up ! 
 Plu. No, not to-night, — but tell me, Charon, pray. 
 
 Have you brought over a fair dame to-day ? 
 Char. Just now, your honour ! 'twas a fiddler's wife. 
 
 A very pretty soul, upon my life ! 
 Plu. Where did you land her ? 
 Char. At Elysian Stairs. 
 
 She told me she'd popped off quite unawares. 
 Plu. Then 'tis too true. But as a courteous host, 
 
 We'll welcome to the shades so sweet a ghost. 
 
 Let her approach the presence. {Exit Charon)) 
 
 {to Proserpine) And you quit it. 
 Pros. A private audience ? 
 Plu. Madame, you have hit it.
 
 ORPHEUS AND EUR YD ICE. 71 
 
 So of intruding pray beware, 
 
 And off immediately take yourself! 
 
 What ho, there ! Strike up my national air ! 
 
 "Go to the devil, and shake yourself" 
 
 The Dance is played — Exeunt^ all but Pluto, to whom 
 
 Re-enter Charon. 
 
 Plu. Well, Where's the lady ? Why this terror, say ? 
 Char. O, mighty master ! here's yourself to pay. 
 
 And none to take the reckoning ! Such a breeze ! 
 
 But don't be angry with me, if you please. 
 LU. What is the matter ? 
 Char. An audacious mortal 
 
 Has crossed the Styx ! E'en now he's at your portal. 
 
 Plu. Alive? 
 
 Char. And kicking. 
 
 Plu. Kicking ! If I've luck, it 
 
 Shall go hard, but I'll make him kick the bucket ! 
 Who and what is he ? and why comes he here ? 
 
 Char. The great musician who has lost his dear. 
 
 Plu. Orpheus himself? 
 
 Char. Ay, Orpheus, that's his name ! 
 
 He bears a lute would e'en the Furies tame ! 
 
 He just struck up, " Farewell, my trim built wherry," 
 
 And faith, I row'd him gratis o'er the ferry. 
 
 Three-headed Cerberus, that surly growler, 
 
 He silenced with a stanza of "Old Towler." 
 
 Then in he walked and played the stop waltz so. 
 
 That to his wheel Ixion called out " woah !" 
 
 Poor Sysiphus's ever-rolling rock 
 
 At " stony batter " stood like any stock. 
 
 Tantalus ceased to thirst, and Daniie's daughters 
 
 Danced while he played "The Meeting of the Waters." 
 
 In short, sir — I repeat — may I be shot 
 
 But there's yourself to pay, and no pitch hot ! 
 
 (a lute struck without) 
 
 Plu. What sounds are those? 
 
 Char. Sounds that your rage will smother. 
 
 If you withstand his Lyre — say I'm another.
 
 72 OLYMPIC DEVILS; OR, 
 
 Round — ^^ Hark! ^tis the Indian Drum." 
 Pluto, Charon, Proserpine, Minos, &'c., as required. 
 
 Hark ! on his lute he thrums, 
 
 The depths of our realms profound. 
 Echo the wondrous sound, 
 
 He comes ! he comes ! he comes ! 
 
 (All retire out of sight) 
 
 Enter Orpheus. 
 
 Air — Orpheus. 
 
 I've been roaming, I've been roaming, 
 Ever since I lost my dear. 
 And I'm coming, and I'm coming, 
 To inquire if she's here. 
 
 Faith ! It's a long way down, but here behold me, 
 And " Facilis descensus " as they told me, 
 Which for the country gentlemen unravelling, 
 Means that "down hill 'tis very easy travelling." 
 Well, I have crossed the Styx, and don't care who 
 I meet, not e'en the devil upon two ! 
 I want my wife — she must be hereabout. 
 At home or not, I've sworn to find her out ! 
 'Tis said that marriages are made above, 
 And so perhaps a (ew may be by love ; 
 But from this smell of brimstone I should say 
 They must be making matches here all day ! 
 Music ! If thou'rt not stifled by this smoke ! 
 Music ! ne'er failing friend ! I thee invoke ! 
 To gain my wishes, or improve my rental, 
 Thou'st made my vocal powers most instrumental. 
 
 Duo — Orpheus and Eurydice — " Noiv hope now fear." 
 
 Orph. Now hope — now fear — my bosom rending, 
 
 Alternate waken joy and woe. 
 EuRY. (without) Oh ! 
 
 Orph. Sure 'twas her voice with echo blending, 
 
 No other shade this air could know. 
 EuRY. (without) No !
 
 ORPHEUS AND EUR YD ICE. 73 
 
 Orph. Where dost thou stray ? 
 EuRY. (toithout) Eh ! 
 
 Orph. Where would'st thou roam ? 
 EuRY. (ivUhout) Home. 
 
 Orph. To give thee hberty I — (sneezes) — come. 
 
 (the sneeze is echoed by Eurydice) 
 
 Orph. Sympathy sweet ! she sneezes too ! 
 How does my dear departed do ? 
 
 Enter Eurydice. 
 
 Eury. Charmingly, thank you, how are you ? 
 Orph. Ecstatic moment ! 
 
 Eury. But you sneez'd, my dear ? 
 
 Surely you cannot have caught cold down here ? 
 
 Re-enter Pluto, Proserpine, the Judges, Fates, Furies, 
 
 Orph. No, 'tis the sulphur smells so plaguy strong. 
 Come, love, away ! We tarry here too long ! 
 
 Plu. No doubt you think so ! but you'll tarry longer, 
 And get a dose of sulphur rather stronger ! 
 
 MiN. Without a passport you have cross'd our borders, 
 " Ne exeat regno," sir, till further orders. 
 
 Air AND Chorus — '■^Garde a voiis." 
 
 Plu. Who are you ?— Who are you ? 
 
 Thus entering my dominion. 
 
 Young sir, 'tis my opinion. 
 
 You will soon your rashness rue ! 
 
 AVho are you ? — Who are you ? — Who are you ? 
 
 Your name — your state declare, sir, 
 
 Deceive me if you dare, sir, 
 
 For d — n me, if you do. 
 
 Garde a. vous ! Garde a vous ! 
 Chorus. Your name and state declare, sir, 
 Deceive us if you dare, sir, 
 For d — n me, if you do — Garde a vous ! 
 Orph. Who are you ? — who are you ? 
 
 This ignorance that own, sir. 
 
 It argues you unknown, sir,
 
 74 OLYMPIC DEVILS; OR, 
 
 To say I'm unknown to you. 
 
 Who are you ? — Who are you ? 
 
 Who are you ? 
 
 Detain me if you dare, sir ! 
 
 I scorn like you to swear, sir, 
 
 But harkye, if you do, 
 
 Garde a vous ! — Garde k vous ! 
 
 Chorus. Your name and state, &c. 
 
 Plu. Ask you, rash youth, who thus your progress stops ? 
 Pluto ! — the son of Saturn and of Ops. 
 
 Orph. Where you the son of malt and hops — your porter^ 
 If he stopp'd me should be three heads the shorter. 
 My name is Orpheus ! on the Thracian hills 
 I fiddle to the flocks, the trees, the rills, 
 And when I lead, where is the beau won't follow ? 
 I'm son of Qiiiger — or great Apollo, 
 I'm not quite certain which — but that's no matter, 
 My taste for music indicates the latter. 
 But this I know. Calliope's my mother. 
 And I'm myself— and like me there's no other. 
 
 Air — Orpheus — " O pescator deH'oiida." 
 
 Oh ! I on earth am famed for fiddling, 
 I play concertos on the single string. 
 
 Than Paganini, ah. 
 Or Ole Bull far better. 
 Mori, Cramer, Kiesewetter, 
 
 Seem to me — La, la ! 
 
 But not alone upon the violin, 
 
 I know the way to take the people in. 
 
 On piano, harp, guitar. 
 
 Than Hummel, Bochsa, Juli- 
 
 O Regondi — I am truly 
 
 Far more pop-u-lar. 
 
 Plu. Well, and what here, sir, may your business be ? 
 
 Orph. I sought my lov'd, my lost Eurydice ! 
 My fear for her of pride my heart disarms. 
 Oh ! give her to her doting husband's arms !
 
 ORPHEUS AND EUR YD ICE. 75 
 
 However strange to you it may appear, 
 
 Though she's my wife — I never wished her here ! 
 
 Ne'er e'en in passion prayed that you would take her, 
 
 And when she went, it was " pullj'^//, pull baker !" 
 
 I kneel to you — the son of great Apollo 
 
 Kneels — who ne'er knelt before — I — me — like Rolla. 
 
 EuRY. I kneel — like Miss O'Neill — in Desdemona, 
 "Let me go with him." 
 
 Orph. Oh, be mercy shewn her ! 
 
 To ransom her I'd give my best Cremona ! 
 
 Air — EuRYDiCE — " Oh^ ponder well" 
 
 O king of— — pray be not severe, 
 
 He came thus far for me ; 
 So fond a husband sure you'll spare, 
 
 If but for novelty ! 
 
 Plu. {aside to Minos) What sweet temptation on that 
 pouting lip ! 
 
 She's much too pretty, Minos, to let slip. 
 
 She's now a ward of yours ; so come — decree 
 
 How we may keep her still in Chancery. 
 MiN. Since he at music is so good a hand. 
 
 Let's pit him 'gainst the leader of your band. 
 
 And if he fail 
 
 Plu. a lucky thought — I will. 
 
 (aloud) Come, sir, we'll make a trial of your skill, 
 
 Beat with your lute my leader's violin, 
 
 And you her freedom and my pardon win. 
 Orph, Agreed ! 
 
 Plu. {to an Imp) Fly off to Fiddler's Green, young 
 shaver. 
 
 And bring my King of Crotchets in a quaver ! 
 
 {Exit Imp) 
 
 We'll soon decide what difference may be 
 
 Betwixt this Tweedledum and Tweedledee— 
 
 Upon our throne this fiddle case we'll hear. 
 
 And you, the judges, bear a wary ear. 
 
 (Pluto and Proserpine ascefid tiieir throiie — tlie Judges^ 
 tiie Fates, a7id the Furies take tlieir seats each side and 
 beneath them)
 
 76 OLYMPIC DEVILS; OR, 
 
 Re-enter Imp. 
 
 Imp. My liege, he says he will not take the trouble, 
 
 Unless his wages you consent to double. 
 Plu. What ? The rogue can't forget his worldly tricks, 
 
 He's just as much a scraper this side Styx ; 
 
 Issue your writ, to make this insolent 
 
 Come into court and bring his instrument. 
 MiN. Yes, I'll soon make this Signor Tweedledee come, 
 
 Serve him with this subpoena — " devices tecum." 
 
 (Imp vanishes) 
 Music—'' Old King Cole." 
 
 Imp re-appears with Signor Tweedledee. 
 
 Plu. I thought that writ would make him soon arrive ; 
 Egad, he knows it needs must when I drive. 
 Lead off, great leader, and the air shall be 
 "The witches' dance beneath the walnut tree." 
 
 (Signor Tweedledee breaks the three strings of his violin, 
 and plays the air on the fourth, a la Paganini) 
 
 Bravo ! bravissimo ! Great Tweedledee ! 
 
 Now, Tweedledum, advance. Can'st thou break 
 
 three 
 Of thy lute strings, and from the fourth one call 
 Such notes as those ? 
 Orph. Break three ? I could break all ! 
 Nay, break the very lute itself to bits, 
 And with the pieces play you into fits. 
 But, mighty sir, I once at Highgate swore 
 Ne'er to use one string when I could use four, 
 Unless I liked one better — which I don't ; 
 And therefore, sir, with great respect, I won't. 
 But with the bargain that has nought to do — 
 I'll beat your leader, and may be move you ; 
 For tho' a mortal master of my art, 
 I'll try the immortal music of Mozart. 
 
 Air — Orpheus — " dolce Concento" 
 
 O won't ye consent to 
 Restore me, content to ?
 
 ORPHEUS AND EURYDICE. 77 
 
 To comfort my life, 
 I want my late wife ! 
 The precedent fear not 
 In such suits of woe, 
 Few husbands are likely 
 To move the court below. 
 
 Then list to me. 
 
 And you shall see 
 
 How easily 
 
 I'll put that scraper down, 
 
 If he'll agree 
 
 To bet with me. 
 
 I like the plan, 
 
 And I'm his man 
 
 For half-a-crown ; 
 
 For when there's dearth 
 
 Of fun on earth, 
 
 I just for mirth 
 
 Set dancing trees and stones. 
 
 Then sure 'twere hard 
 
 If such a bard 
 
 Should fail to make 
 
 A devil shake 
 
 His old broiled bones. 
 
 Chorus, {all datidng) 
 
 O music, entrancing, 
 It sets us all dancing, 
 The stake was a fair one, 
 'Tis played for and won. 
 Then hear him, great Pluto, 
 Our feet, 'tis now known. 
 When he plays his lute O, 
 Can't call their soles their own. 
 
 SiGNOR TvvEEDLEDEE breaks his hoiv a?id disappears. 
 
 Plu. P'aith, he has moved us all, and to some tune. 
 There's no help for it, I must grant his boon.
 
 78 
 
 OLYMPIC DEVILS; OR, 
 
 Pros. There's no resisting such a voice ; 'twould melt 
 Of Tartarus itself the brazen belt. 
 
 Plu. Orpheus ! We own our leader beaten hollow, 
 
 So lead you on to earth — {to Eurydice) your wife shall 
 
 follow ; 
 But on this one condition, minstrel ! Mind you, 
 Whate'er may hap, you must not look behind you. 
 You have been guilty of most rare affection, 
 And haply, might repent, on retrospection ; 
 So take fair warning — ere you reach the door. 
 Look once behind — you're where you were before. 
 
 Orph. 
 
 Plu. 
 
 EURY. 
 
 Chorus. 
 Plu. 
 
 Orph. 
 
 EURY. 
 
 Trio and Chorus — Air^ — " Zitti, Zitti." 
 
 Pretty, pretty soul, relying 
 On your truth, behold me flying 
 Back to earth — myself denying 
 E'en a glance upon the way. 
 
 Pity, pity, there's no flying 
 From my word ! How mortifying ! 
 Could I catch him once Paul-Prying, 
 I again might seize my prey. 
 
 Ditty ! ditty ! mollifying 
 Even Pluto to complying — 
 Thy strain all strains outvieing, 
 Make the fates themselves give way. 
 
 Heigho! heigho ! 
 
 Can't you stop again that air to play ? 
 
 Quit ye ! quit ye ! 
 
 Longer here, indeed, you must not stay ! 
 
 We quit ye — quit ye ! 
 
 Longer here, indeed, we cannot stay. 
 
 {dosed in by
 
 ORPHEUS AND EUR Y DICE. 79 
 
 Scene Second — Barriere dE>ifer, and Entrance to the 
 Champs E/jsees, hut not d la mode de Fan's. 
 
 A knocking at the gate — Cerberus in his Porters Lodge. 
 
 Cer. Open locks, whoever knocks. 
 
 (pulls a cordon and the gate opens, disclosing the banks 
 of the Styx and Charon's ferry-boat) 
 
 Enter Charon. 
 
 Char. How now ? 
 
 Why, Cerberus ! you've found a tongue I vow, 
 
 And can say something more than " bow — wow — 
 wow !" 
 Cer. Ay, thanks to Orpheus, I've three tongues found. 
 Char. One of 'em talks dog-Latin, I'll be bound. 
 
 But wherefore Orpheus thank ? Responde cur ? 
 Cer. Why, ere he came and made this mighty stir, 
 
 I was a three thick wooden-headed dog. 
 
 With but a bark hke any other log. 
 
 Now as I am described— and by no dunce — 
 
 I really feel " three gentlemen at once !" 
 
 And ever since I heard him play and sing, 
 
 I've sat and warbled, sir, like anything. 
 Char. You mean you've howled some doggrel to the moon. 
 Cer. No, sir ; I say I sing — and sing in tune ! 
 Char. A ^rt-r^'-a-role of course. 
 Cer. No, sir, a glee. 
 
 Char. You take the treble, then ? 
 Cer. I take all three. 
 
 My voice is tenor — counter-tenor — bass. 
 Char. Let's try a quartette then, if that's the case. 
 Cer. With you, forsooth ? 
 Char. Oblige me by beginning one — 
 
 I've seen a dancing dog, but never heard a singing 
 one ! 
 
 Quartette — Cerberus and Charon — " Begone dull care." 
 
 Cer. Begone, dull Charon ! pry'thee begone from me ! 
 Thou'rt too dull, Charon, ever to sing a glee.
 
 So OLYMPIC DEVILS; OR, 
 
 Long time thou hast been ferrying here, 
 
 And souls from far dost bring ; 
 
 But thou know'st, dull Charon, 
 
 Little of sol-fa-ing. 
 
 I range with care through all the keys — 
 
 My compass — octaves three ! 
 
 My voice can rove from A above, 
 
 Down, down to double D. 
 
 Char. Begone dull cur ! shall such a land-lubber as 
 thee, 
 Pretend, dull cur ! to talk of a compass to me ? 
 I'm the son of Nox, 
 And a compass could box. 
 When thou wert a blind puppy. 
 So avast, dull cur ! I'm a vast deal 'cuter than thee. 
 For I will bet my crazy bark 
 Against your own crack'd three, 
 That no one can go to the D — below, 
 If I didn't go to C. 
 
 Enter Orpheus, preceded by an Imp, with a link. 
 
 Imp. This way, your honour — here are the old stairs. 
 Orph. a boat there, Charon ! 
 Char. Sculls or oars ? 
 
 Orph. Who cares ? 
 
 Your sculls are thickest — there's less fear of breaking. 
 Cer. Is he so soon our gloomy realms forsaking ? 
 Char, {to Imp) Go get her out there, {to Orpheus) 
 
 Over did you say ? 
 Orph. Back to the stairs you brought me from to-day. 
 Char. And for the same fare ? Nothing but a song? 
 
 I shall get rich if this game lasts for long. 
 Orph. No — here's a fairer — come, don't look so blue, 
 
 You've crossed the Styx till you're as cross as two. 
 
 I say, old fellow, just look o'er my shoulder, 
 
 And say if my fair comes — as Pluto told her. 
 Char. Yes — there she is — and Pluto close beside her. 
 
 Whispering soft nonsense. 
 Orph. Is he ? Woe betide her. 
 
 If to his suit she hstens ! Does she smile ? 
 Char. Yes, and her hand he squeezes all the while.
 
 ORPHEUS AND EUR YD ICE. 8i 
 
 Orph. He does ! confusion ! Come, jump in your boat, 
 I shall look back now, ere I get afloat ! 
 
 Enter Pluto afid Eurydice. 
 
 Plu. My hopes at every step are growing fainter — 
 
 She'll let me go when he lets go the painter. 
 
 Orph. Eurydice — too long you linger there 
 
 EuRY. I come ! 
 
 Plu. Farewell, thou fairest of the fair — 
 
 One kiss at parting. 
 EuRY. Oh, for shame, sir ! Fie ! 
 
 Remember, sir, my husband is close by. 
 Imp. {fo Orpheus) Lord bless your honour, dont forget 
 
 poor Jack ! 
 
 (Pluto kisses Eurydice) 
 Orph. Eh — what was that ? I heard an amorous smack — 
 
 Eurydice ! {turns quickly) 
 Plu. Hurrah ! he has looked back ! 
 
 Fonvard, my Furies ! do your work, ye Fates ! 
 
 And thrust the Thracian thrummer through the gates I 
 
 Enter Furies and Fates. 
 Trio— Air— " Cruda Sorte." 
 
 Eury. Cruel Fortune ! 
 
 Plu. Fairly caught, sir ! 
 
 Orph. Cruel Fortune ! 
 
 Plu. Just as I thought, sir ! 
 
 All. Break f ^'°^^ ) lute, for all is o'er ! 
 ( my ) 
 
 Plu. You have looked back — in my snare you are caught. 
 
 sir — 
 
 They who cheat ine, f:iith, have none to cheat more ; 
 
 To a fine market your pigs you have brought, sir ! 
 
 The world is before you and so is the door ! 
 
 Orph. I have looked back — in your snare I am caught, 
 
 sir — 
 
 Pluto, thou'st cut a fond pair to the core ! 
 
 Oh, have I come all this way to be taught, sir. 
 
 That folks who would thrive must keep looking 
 
 before ? 
 
 G
 
 82 OLYMPIC DEVILS; OR, 
 
 EuRY. You have looked back — in the snare you are caught, 
 sir — 
 They who cheat him, faith, have none to cheat more ! 
 A man of the world — have you yet to be taught, sir, 
 When your wife flirts behind you to look straight 
 before ? 
 
 Exeunt Eurydice and Infernals — -Orpheus is forced off. 
 
 Scene III. — Banks of the Hebrus — On one side, a temple 
 dedicated to Bacchus — 07i the other a grotto. 
 
 Enter Fauns, Satyrs, and Bacchantes, with Pan dratvn 
 by Satyrs, and Silenus riding on an ass — Priests of 
 Bacchus and MvsiciAi<iS, forming a grand Bacchanalian 
 procession to the air of'"'' Come jolly Bacchus.'''' 
 
 SiL. Come, let's begin our orgies ! Here's the place, 
 
 The fairest temple Bacchus owns in Thrace ; 
 
 The Bunch of Grapes ! kept by a jolly priest ; 
 
 Good entertainment here for man and beast ; 
 
 Put up your panthers, and set out the table, 
 
 And let's get drunk as fast as we are able. 
 Pan. Why, you are drunk already, old Silenus. 
 SiL. It's no such thing — I'm only Bacchi plenus ; 
 
 Full of the god ! possessed — lo — lacche ! 
 
 Blow your pipes. Pan. I'll blow a pipe of backy, 
 
 And finish with a pipe of rich Canary. 
 
 My pretty Pan ! my great Pan of the dairy ! 
 
 Chorus — " Masaniello." 
 
 O come, and worship at the shrine 
 Of Bacchus, god of rosy wine. 
 Let Phoebus drink the pearly dews, 
 The " early purl " of these purlieus. 
 
 Our society 
 
 Scorns sobriety.
 
 ORPHEUS AND EUR YD ICE. 8 
 
 v) 
 
 " Mountain dew," 
 Perhaps might do, 
 But we champagne 
 Prefer to drain, 
 And don't complain 
 Of Clos Vougot. 
 
 Pan. (approaching the grotto) Thou sweet retreat from Sol's 
 meridian fire — 
 
 What's here ? A mortal sleeping on a lyre ! 
 
 (starting back as he discovers Orpheus asleep in the 
 grotto) 
 1ST Bac. Who can he be ? 
 Pan. O, 'tis the mad musician, 
 
 Who lately made to Pluto a petition 
 
 To give him back his wife. 
 SiL. His wife ! Dear me, 
 
 How very, very mad the man must be ! 
 1ST Bac. D'ye think he'll bite ? 
 SiL. Psha, stuff! D'ye think he'll drink? 
 Pan. Stand back — he seems about to wake, I think. 
 
 Orpheus starts up, and rushes forward from grotto. 
 
 Orph. Give me another wife. Tune up my lyre. 
 Have mercy, Pluto ! Ah, my brain's on fire ! 
 I am a lunatic for lack of thee ! 
 Mad as a March hare ! O, ina chere ainie ! (sings) 
 
 Air — " Ifo7ci should I your true love knoiv ?" 
 
 Where is ifiy Eurydice? 
 
 Sweet Echo, speak of her ! 
 
 Cries Echo, bent on mocking me, 
 
 " You're rid I see — of her." 
 SiL, He's beastly drunk ! 
 
 Pan. Pshaw, man, he's only crazy — 
 
 SiL. Then shave his head, and make him wear a jazy. 
 
 Song — Orpheus — *' To viorrow is St. Valentine's Day." 
 
 Set a beggar on horseback and then you know, 
 Where he'll ride to very well ; 
 
 G 2
 
 84 OLYMPIC DEVILS; OR, 
 
 I went to beg for my wife, and so 
 I rode in a boat to— — - 
 
 Air — " O no, ive never,'''' &^c. 
 
 O no, we never mention it. 
 
 At least to ears polite ; 
 'Twould give St. James's Square a fit 
 
 And shock Pall Mall outright ; 
 And yet in said St. James's Square, 
 
 And also in Pall Mall, 
 There are some places, I declare, 
 
 Would very like it spell. 
 
 Pan. " There's matter in this madness " — Well you went 
 Down stairs, you say, and pray with what intent ? 
 
 Air — Orpheus — ^^ Kitty Clover" 
 
 I went to inquire of Mr. Pluto— O, O, 0,0,0! &c.— 
 
 If he'd let my dearest Eurydice go— O, O, O, O ! &c. ! 
 
 He set his own fiddler to play against me. 
 
 But his fiddle to mine was all fiddle-de-dee ; 
 
 Oh, oh, the poor scraper, I bother'd him so — O, O, 
 
 O, O, &c.- 
 He broke in a violint taking his bow — O, O, O, O, &c. 
 
 Air—" With lowly suit." 
 
 I won my darling with a ditty, 
 
 But I looked back, and that was pity ! 
 
 Air—" Frefich Air." 
 
 For husbands of fashion should always be 
 Blind to such little unmeaning flirtations, 
 In such situations to hear or to see. 
 Is not only silly, but horribly low ! 
 So, know when down stairs you go, 
 High life above is like high life below ! 
 
 Pan. This nothing's more than matter ; but I say. 
 
 When you were down stairs, pray what did you play ? 
 
 Orph. I played the devil, as I will with you, 
 You nasty, smoking, sotting, soaking crew !
 
 ORPHEUS AND EUR YD ICE. S^ 
 
 Pan. Abuse the rites of Bacchus ! mad or not, 
 
 Sure as my name is Pan, you go to pot ! 
 Orph. Indeed ! nay, then, before I'v^e done with you. Pan, 
 
 You shall cut capers till you're in a stew-Pan ! 
 
 {strikes his lyre, and all seem entranced) 
 
 Air — Orpheus — " Voulez-vous danserV 
 
 Voulez-vous danser, while I play. 
 Trees make bows and stump away, 
 Lawns and meadows dance the hay, 
 
 And rocks to reel are fain, sir ? 
 Rivers join the <r^««/r>'-dance. 
 Streamlets in quad-r/7/j- advance, 
 Fountains cool 
 Glide through Is. poole, 
 
 And pastorale the plain, sir ; 
 Voulez-vous danser, while I play, 
 Panthers paws-de-deux essay 
 And lordly lions waltz away 
 With all their might and mane, sirs. 
 
 During this air the trees have become animated — a lion and a 
 panther enter waltzing — the nwuntaiiis rock in the distance 
 and the Temple of Bacchus tumbles to pieces, the columns 
 and statues dancing round Orpheus, while Pan, Silenus, 
 and all the Bacchantes, &'c.,foot it in their 07vn despite. 
 
 Chorus — Pan, Silenus, &c. — Waltz in '' Der Ereyschiitz." 
 
 Rot the fellow's play ! 
 Take his lute away. 
 Must we waltz all day ? 
 Will you stop, I say ? 
 He's St. Vitus, sure ! 
 Nought his dance can cure ; 
 Must we thus endure 
 Till we drop ? 
 Tear him limb from limb 
 Let his crazy pate 
 Down the river swim. 
 For his head the fate,
 
 86 OLYMPIC DEVILS; OR, 
 
 Who has set the sound- 
 est could here be found, 
 Spinning round and round, 
 Like a top ! 
 
 Rot the fellow's play, &c. 
 
 Tliey succeed at last in sriatcJiing the lyre from Orpheus. 
 whom they then seize, and drag off furiously — they theft 
 re-enter, zvith fragments of his dress, afid laurel ^vreath, 
 and the head of Orpheus is prese7itly seen floating do^vn 
 the river. 
 
 Head. Eurydice ! Eurydice ! Eurydice ! 
 
 (Head disappears) 
 
 Pan. He's torn to bits, yet swears he isn't dead. 
 He seems to have a singing in his head. 
 
 Music — " Glorious Apollo." 
 
 Pan. By Jove, here comes Apollo ! 
 
 As sure as fate he's heard the fellow holloa. 
 
 I'm off. {Exit) 
 
 SiL. (tu7nbli7ig from his donkey) And so am I. 
 
 Apollo descends in the car of the sun. 
 
 Music — '■'•Now Phoebus sinketh." 
 
 Apol. Well may you run ! 
 
 Is this the way you serve the Sun's own son 
 All. Forgive us, mightyPhoebus ! 
 Apol. Orpheus, rise ! 
 
 Put on your head, and with me seek the skies, 
 
 Orpheus re-appeats. 
 
 And as some instrument you'll there require, 
 I'll make a constellation of your lyre. 
 
 (tiings the lyre into the sky, tvhere it appears amidst the other 
 constellatiofis, which have, durifig the foregoing lifies, 
 gradually descejided)
 
 ORPHEUS AND EUR YD ICE. 87 
 
 Orph. Thanks, dear papa ! that's very kind and clever 
 But must I leave Eurydice for ever ? 
 Surely your Phaeton has room for three. 
 \qm must — you shall release Eurydice ! 
 Indeed, unless you do, /can't go there, 
 And for this weighty reason. Did I care, 
 
 {drawing him aside) 
 Ever so little as a wife about her — 
 There's a finale can't be sung without her. 
 
 Apol, Oh ! then indeed, when music's in the case, 
 All other things, of course, with me, give place, 
 So, Uncle Pluto ! 
 
 Pluto poj^s his head th7-ovgh the stage. 
 
 Plu. Well, how now ? what is it ? 
 
 Apol. Am't it about the time your queen should 
 visit 
 
 Her mother, Ceres, and for six months stay 
 
 Upon Olympus? 
 Plu. Yes, the very day. 
 
 Apol. Then let Eurydice attend upon her 
 
 As mistress of the robes, or Dame of Honour. 
 
 Plu. Why, I suppose I must, Sol, if you press it ; 
 
 Not that I'm much averse to't — I confess it ; 
 
 For, to speak truth, she does make such a riot 
 
 Below, the very Fates can't work in quiet. 
 
 But what will Jove say, if I let her out ? 
 Apol. Leave him to me. 
 
 Plu. But is there any doubt 
 
 Of sanction from some more important powers ? 
 Will they this treaty ratify of ours ? 
 They may decree Orpheus himself shall fall, 
 And then his wife need not come up at all. 
 
 Orph. Oh, Fll ask that ! for they're more used to 
 me. 
 Befriend poor Orpheus and Eurydice ! 
 It all depends upon your smile or frown — 
 Whether she shall come up, or I go down.
 
 88 OLYMPIC DEVILS. 
 
 Alarm has rendered even Pluto civil ! 
 
 He fears lest you should raise the very devil ! 
 
 His judges must be guided by your jury. 
 
 His furies quake, lest they should rouse your 
 
 fury. 
 His fates are trembling now to learn their own. 
 Please to be pleased, and make your pleasures 
 
 known, 
 And for the sake of old " Olympic Revels," 
 Condemn not to the shades Olympic Devils.* 
 
 (^/A(? Audience applaud of course) 
 
 (to Pluto) There's your permit — seek Proserpine, and 
 
 tell her, 
 That she may move the spirit from the cellar. 
 
 Proserpine rises with Eurydice. 
 
 Finale — " Go to the Devil and shake yourselves. ^^ 
 
 EuRY. When you're dull, and wish merry to make yourselves. 
 
 Pros. At this fountain of mirth you may slake yourselves. 
 
 Apol. When sleepy come hither and wake yourselves. 
 
 Plu. When cold it's a good place to bake yourselves. 
 
 Orph. And since home at eleven you take yourselves. 
 It can never be said that you rake yourselves ; 
 In all cases, then, hither betake yourselves, 
 And out of the blue devils shake yourselves. 
 
 Chorus. And since home at eleven, &c. 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 * These two lines apply more directly to the theatre in which the 
 piece was originally performed.
 
 THE PAPHIAN BOWER; 
 
 OR, 
 
 VENUS AND ADONIS; 
 
 A Classical, Musical, Mythological, Astronomical, and 
 Tragi-Coinical Bttrlcsque Burletta, 
 
 In One Act, 
 
 First performed at the Royal Olympic Theatre, under the management 
 of Madame Vestris, Wednesday, December 26, 1S32.
 
 L9I ] 
 
 THE PAPHIAN BOWER ; 
 
 OR, 
 
 VENUS AND ADONIS. 
 
 I have little to remark respecting the third of our classical 
 extravaganzas beyond the fact of the overture being one of 
 the earliest works of our distinguished English composer 
 John Barnett, and that Mr. Benjamin Webster was included 
 for the first time in the cast of an extravaganza. 
 
 Mr. Wyman, who played Esculapius, was one of the amateur 
 company I belonged to when I wrote "Amoroso." Henarrowly 
 escaped being killed on the fall of the Garrick Theatre, in 
 Goodman's Fields, retired from the stage and was living in 
 good health and circumstances a few years ago in Australia, 
 being, with Mr. Webster, amongst the very few of my surviving 
 contemporaries. 
 
 The " Paphian Bower " ran sixty-six consecutive nights, 
 terminating only with the season.
 
 THE PA PHI AN BOWER. 
 
 93 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONiE. 
 
 IMMORTALS. 
 
 Mars (God of War, a very angry Planet, and a 
 Field-Marshal in the Army) 
 
 Saturn, alias Time (a very cool Planet, and a 
 most Slippery Character) 
 
 Mercury (a Musical Planet, all Glee and 
 Quicksilver) 
 
 EscuLAPius (Demi-God of Physic and Doctor of 
 
 Medicine ; a Mixture as before) 
 MOMUS (God of Mirth and Partaker in the Glee 
 
 of Mercur)-) ... 
 
 Cupid (God of Love) 
 
 Hymen (God of Marriage) 
 
 Venus (Goddess of Beauty, a lovely Planet, the 
 
 most heavenly body of all the heavenly bodies) 
 Diana or Luna (Goddess of Hunting and Queen 
 
 of the Planets) 
 
 Axfi (Goddess of Vengeance, " red hot from " 
 
 Shakespeare) ... 
 
 Mr. Webster 
 Mr. W. Vining 
 
 Mr. Tullv 
 
 INIk. Wyman 
 
 Mr. Dowsing 
 Miss Pettifer 
 
 (Her First Appearance) 
 
 Miss Greknek 
 Madame Vestris 
 Miss Gliddon 
 Miss Land 
 
 The Furies, Mrs. Norman, Miss Webster, and Miss C. Webster. 
 
 Their Graces, the Graces, Miss Crawford, Miss Fitzwalter, 
 and Miss Norman. 
 
 Clio (Muse of History) 
 Euterpe (Muse of Harmony) 
 Thalia (Muse of Comedy) 
 Melpomene (Muse of Tragedy) 
 Terpsichore (Muse of Dancing) 
 Polyhymnia (Muse of Song) 
 Erato (Muse of Poetry) 
 Calliope (Muse of Eloquence) 
 Urania (Muse of Astronomy) 
 
 (The 
 
 Tuneful 
 
 Nine) 
 
 Miss Ireland 
 Mrs. Cooper 
 isriss Pincott 
 Mrs. Knight 
 Miss Minna 
 Miss H. Ireland 
 Miss Harrington 
 Miss Melbourne 
 J (^ Miss S. Ireland 
 
 Loves and Doves, by the juvenile portion of the Company, in full 
 
 feather. 
 
 MORTALS. 
 Adonis (an-ice Young Man, ''\ do think '') by Mr. J. Bland. 
 
 Members of the Paphian Hunt, by Messrs. Jones, Giffin, Tally, 
 Dowsing, Franklin, Sheriff, Ilitchinson, Barland, Miller, and Alexander. 
 
 A very great Boar By Himself. 
 
 The Dogs of War and their Wives ... Bv a Pack. OF Invisibles.
 
 94 THE PA PHI AN BO WER. 
 
 PROGRAMME OF THE SCENERY. 
 
 THE PA PHI AN BO WER. 
 
 A Beauty-full, Grace-full, and A-muse-ing Scene, 
 
 In the course of which will be realised, in accordance with the present 
 
 Taste for Tableaux, 
 
 Several designs from the Antique, including one on Adonis — by Venus. 
 
 A Fresco Groiipe of the Muses, Graces, Love & Hymen. 
 
 " Even as the Sun with purple-coloured face. 
 Had ta'en his last leave of the weeping morn ; 
 Rose-cheeked Adonis hied him to the chase. 
 Hunting he loved, but love he laughed to scorn." — Shakespeare. 
 
 Distant View of the City and Port of Paphos 
 
 Alt Enchanting Scene. 
 
 "Tempus Fugit.'' — Aldgate Clock. 
 
 " O day and night, but this is wondrous strange." — Shakespeare. 
 
 An incantation a la (Pig's) Fry — schutz ! ! ! With a bow wow Chorus 
 
 by the Dogs of War. 
 
 VIEW IN THE ISLAND OF CYPRUS. 
 A ROMANTIC SCENE. 
 
 Adonis killed by an A-hozx-iginal inhabitant. 
 " So in our Woods the hunted Boar 
 On his native strength relies ; 
 The Forest echoes with his roar. 
 In turn the Hunter flies.'" — T. Dibdin. 
 
 AN ASTRONOMIC AI SCENE! 
 
 Rising of a Brand New Moon, and Revolution of the principal Planets 
 in this Hemisphere, on a Novel Starring System. 
 
 OCCULTATION OF MARS, 
 
 Visible only in the Olympic Theatre. 
 
 Time of greatest Obscuration, Eveng., loh. 50m. before or after, 
 
 less or — Moore, 
 
 Transit of Venus and appearance as the Evening Star! 
 And Finale to the Music of the Spheres.
 
 [95 ] 
 
 THE PAPHIAN BOWER 
 
 OR, 
 
 VENUS AND ADONIS. 
 
 Scene First. — The Paphian Bower — Temple, with statues 
 of Venus and Cupid — in front an altar wit/i hearts 
 burning upon if — Hymen attending them, torch in hand, 
 ajtd occasionally tying two together, when the fames go out 
 and he thro'ws them into a gilt basket beside him, placing at 
 the same time fresh ones upofi the altar — several little 
 Loves are assisting him — The Three Graces occupy the 
 centre of the stage in a classical group, and Cupid is 
 seen sharpening his arivws on a grindstone. 
 
 Quintette — '■'■Five times by the taper'' s light.'''' 
 
 Hymen. Five times by my torch's ray 
 
 I've tied up hearts in pairs to-day. 
 Cupid. Where's mother ? 
 Hymen. She's gone out to roam. 
 
 If she have luck 
 
 She'll bring the buck 
 
 To whom she's ta'en a fancy home. 
 
 Hymen, Cupid, and Graces. 
 
 Home! home ! she'll soon come home, 
 .Swift to the woodland vale below. 
 We saw her dart to bring her beau 
 Home, home, home. 
 
 Hymen. By Jupiter, I vow it's quite amazing 
 
 To see how these fond hearts will keep on l)lazing
 
 96 THE PAPHIAN BOWER; OR, 
 
 Upon Love's altar — spite of wind and weather, 
 Until I tie 'em up in pairs together, 
 When 'stead of burning brighter thus united, 
 Out they all go, and cannot be relighted. 
 Cupid. Well, all I know is, that they've kindled fairly, 
 Ought to burn well, and be extinguished rarely. 
 To keep them nicely trimmed your care should be. 
 So if they get blown out, don't blow up me. 
 \{ you neglect them till they smoke and smother, 
 You can't much wonder if they trim each other. 
 
 (a ra ta ta tat 7vit/w2it) 
 Run to the door ! {Exit a Love) 
 
 Some Post from Greece or Rome. 
 
 The Love returns. 
 
 The nine Miss Muses. Will you be at home ? 
 Cupid. Always to them. 
 
 Hymen. Oh, shew 'em up, of course, 
 
 I ST. G. Have they all come upon their flying horse ? 
 Love. No, please your Grace, whene'er they visit us, 
 
 They come in Cloud's blue-bodied omnibus. 
 
 The man behind politely pulls the line. 
 
 And says in accents soft, " Descend ye nine." 
 
 {Exit Love) 
 I ST. G. The omnibus for ladies of their rank ! 
 2ND. G. They run from Mount Parnassus to the Bank. 
 Cupid. Run to the Bank ! no, no, you silly wench. 
 
 From Mount Parnassus they run to the Bench. 
 
 Music — The Nine Muses enter as described. 
 
 Cupid. Three times three welcomes to the tuneful nine. 
 Clio, I vow you're looking quite divine ! 
 How Miss Euterpe does I need not ask ; 
 And gay Thalia smiles like her own mask. 
 Melpomene, " with stately step and slow," {i/iusic) 
 Terpsichore " on light fantastic toe," {?n7isic) 
 Miss Polyhymnia, Muse of dulcet song, {music) 
 And Erato, of numbers sweet and strong. 
 Calliope, the eloquent and wise. 
 And fair Urania, always in the skies !
 
 VENUS AND ADONIS. 97 
 
 Last of the nine pins with that globe you wait, 
 
 As ready to bowl down the other eight. 
 Thal. {to Cupid) Your mother's not at home ! but well, no 
 
 doubt ! 
 Cupid. She'll be distressed you call'd while she was out. 
 
 You come so seldom ; while with some excuses, 
 
 Cupid is always calling on the Muses. 
 1ST. G. You'll some refreshment after your long ride take ! 
 3RD G. A glass of Cyprus. Hymen, cut some bride cake. 
 Mel. No wine for us — pure water from the spring — 
 
 Pierian, Heliconian — anything. 
 Cupid. Pure water ? pshaw ! this choice liqueur, I'm sure, 
 
 You can't object to — 'tis Parfait amour. 
 Thal. Oh, worse and worse ! Wine gets into the head. 
 
 But this would get into the heart instead. 
 
 Adieu, my love — good morning to your Graces, 
 
 We must make haste, or we shall lose our places. 
 
 The omnibus comes by your Temple Bar. 
 Cupid. You shall not go till you have seen mamma. 
 
 She is expected every minute now. 
 Ven. {shiging without) Oh, where, and oh where is my 
 
 hunting laddie gone ? 
 Thal. Hark ! that's her voice ! 
 
 Venus appears in the distance. 
 
 Mel. 'Tis Venus 'self, I vow ! 
 
 " But mercy on us ! what has changed her eyes ? * 
 "They used to shame the azure of the skies, 
 " And now they're hazel, and her locks of light, 
 " Are dark as Erebus. 
 
 Cupid. " You're very right ; 
 
 " But take no notice of it, for the truth is 
 " That she enamoured of a silly youth is 
 " Who slights her passion, and her grief and care 
 " Have changed the colour of her eyes and hair ; 
 "So on this point I beg you don't attack her. 
 " You'll only make her look a great deal blacker." 
 
 * The above lines, in inverted commas, should only be spoken when 
 the lady playing Venus has, like the late Madame Vestris, dark eyes and 
 hair. 
 
 H
 
 98 THE PAPHIAN BOWER; OR, 
 
 Ven. {advancing) Ah me ! sad hours seem long ! 
 Mel, In Paphos' bowers, 
 
 Prithee what sadness lengthens beauty's hours? 
 Ven. The Muses here ! I was about invoking 
 
 Your potent aid ! with grief you see me choking. 
 
 The Queen of Love is baffled by a boy 
 
 As beautiful as he, alas, is coy. 
 Thal. Proceed. 
 Ven. In speech or song ? 
 Clio. If Clio chooses, 
 
 'Twill be in song. 
 All the Others. Oh, music for the Muses. 
 
 Song — Venus — " Sally in oier Alley." 
 
 Of all the swains that are so smart, 
 I dearly love Adonis ; 
 
 And pit-a-pat will go my heart, 
 Till he bone of my bone is. 
 
 No buckskin'd beau of Melton Mow- 
 bray rides so capitally. 
 
 Oh, he's the darling of my heart. 
 And he hunts in our valley ! 
 
 Jupiter and the neighbours all 
 
 Make game of me and Dony ; 
 But notwithstanding I with him 
 
 Contemplate matrimony. 
 For he can play on the cornet, 
 
 And sing most musically ; 
 And not a Duke in all the land 
 
 Can beat him at " Aunt Sally." 
 
 Thal. We were about to go, but we'll remain. 
 
 If we can help you to subdue your swain. 
 
 A lad so fond of horses can't refuse 
 
 An invitation coming from a mtise. 
 
 Send for him in my name. 
 Ven. He'll not be won ! 
 
 Mel. If Dian, then, w^ould cause the game to run 
 
 This way — he would, of course, be sure to follow ! 
 
 {to Cupid) Fly, Love, and ask — you'll find her in the 
 hollow.
 
 VENUS AND ADONIS. 99 
 
 Ven. I fear 'tis all in vain. His heart I've tried. 
 
 {Exit Cupid) 
 Hunting he loves ; but love he can't abide. 
 
 Glee — Venus, &c. — " Even as the Sun." 
 
 Soon as the sun has changed his dappled greys, 
 For those bright bloods he drives till eventide, 
 
 Rose-cheeked Adonis rises with his rays. 
 Hunting he loves ; but love he can't abide. 
 
 Re-enter Cupid. 
 
 Cupid. Well, Dian's done it ! yonder goes the stag, 
 
 And after him Adonis on his nag ; 
 
 And now she makes it throw him ! 
 Ven. Oh, he's hurt ! 
 
 Cupid. No, only had a tumble in the dirt. 
 
 Hymen. He's up again, but cannot catch his horse, 
 
 And so has taken to his legs perforce. 
 Ven, He comes ! 
 
 Ad. {without) Yoicks ! yoicks ! tantivy ! hark away ! 
 Ven. " How silver-sweet sound lovers' tongues " by day. 
 
 Enter Adonis. 
 
 Ad. Thrown off and out ! confound that jade, I say. 
 
 Why, where the dickens have I got to, eh ? 
 
 Here's a whole pack of jades ! 'ware women ! zounds ! 
 
 If they give tongue, the deuce can't hear the hounds. 
 Ven. Turn, gentle hunter ! turn and rest thee here. 
 
 Dost thou not know me ? I am thine own dear. 
 Ad. I wish you were, for then you'd be a shy one. 
 
 'Tis the first time I e'er was hunted by one. 
 Ven. Can you not learn to love ? 
 Ad. No, I'm too stupid. 
 
 Ven. Take but one lesson from Professor Cupid. 
 
 This is my son, sir. 
 Ad. What, that little jockey! 
 
 Is he the gentleman who plays at hockey 
 
 With people's hearts ? 
 Cupid. Have you got one to play with ? 
 Ad. Yes, but not one that you shall ride away with. 
 
 H 2
 
 loo THE PAPHIAN BOWER; OR, 
 
 Ven. Will you not listen to the three fair Graces ? 
 Ad. Take off the G, and make them three fair races ? 
 Ven. Give the nine Muses, then, a patient hearing. 
 Ad. That's three times three, yet anything but cheeri7ig. 
 
 Chorus — Muses — " Robert k Diable." 
 
 The tuneful nine, unless thy heart be marble, 
 Will not in vain their blended powers essay. 
 
 With airs divine from Robert le Diable, 
 'Tis hard indeed, if they don't win the day. 
 
 The tuneful nine with airs divine. 
 
 Will win the day, we're bold to say, &c. 
 
 Solo — Venus — {From the same) 
 
 Quit the chase, my dear Adonis, 
 
 Cut the turf and kennel clean, 
 Sell your hunters, racers, ponies. 
 
 Burn your Sporti?ig Afagazhie. 
 Broken hearts we hear of, 
 
 But we seldom see the wrecks. 
 There is much more fear of 
 
 Broken arms or necks. 
 Quit the chase, &c. 
 
 Why at clubs with legs be betting. 
 
 When the course to hearts is clear ? 
 Why cleaned out at dice be getting, 
 
 When a paraa^/V^ is here? 
 Here's the game, all fair, sir ; 
 
 And if other fare you love, 
 From all the bell we bear, sir, 
 
 For real turtle-dove. 
 Quit the chase, &c. 
 
 Ven. Nay, sweet Adonis, if the Muses tease you, 
 Love will take ev'ry step on earth to please you] 
 
 Ballet — Cupid atid Others. 
 
 Ad. Madam, I tell you plainly as I can, 
 
 It's of no use. I'm not a marrying man.
 
 VENUS AND ADONIS. loi 
 
 Besides, fair lady, I've a strange misgiving 
 
 That you have got a lawful husband living. 
 
 And as a friend of mine says, " Dash the wig o' me," 
 
 Jove may indict us both, you know, for bigamy. 
 
 Ven, If you mean Vulcan, on my reputation, 
 There is a proper deed of separation. 
 The learned Proctors all, sir, did agree 
 A lame old tinker was no match for me ; 
 And if it had been with a goddess regal, 
 The marriage of the blacksmith was not legal. 
 
 Ad. But don't there run some story 'mongst the stars 
 Of a flirtation with a chap named Mars ? 
 
 Ven. Oh, that's a very, very old affair. 
 
 I've cut the fellow a long time, I swear. 
 
 Enter Love, announcing. 
 
 Love. Field-Marshal Mars ! 
 
 Enter Mars. 
 
 Ad. Heyday ! what next, I wonder ? 
 
 Mars. Guns, trumpets, blunderbusses, drums, and thunder ! 
 
 A traitor in the camp ! 
 Ven. I'm all confusion ! 
 
 Cupid. Provoking ! 
 Ad. Here's a burst ! 
 Ven. Why this intrusion ? 
 
 To my boudoir who granted you admission ? 
 Mars. This, ma'am, to me ? gunpowder and perdition 1 
 
 Sir {to Adonis), do you come here as this lady's wooer? 
 Ad. Not I, i'faith ! I've nothing to say to her. 
 
 But if you've anything to say to me 
 
 There is my card. 
 Mars. 'Tis well, sir ! we shall see ! 
 
 Thal. Dear gentlemen, I hope you'll go no further ! 
 
 Oh, mercy on us, ladies ! here'U be murther ! 
 Mel. Murder ! I hope there will, with all my heart. 
 
 'Tis long since tragedy has had a start ! 
 Ad. {to Mars) With sword or pistol ? 
 Mars. Swords my weajjons are. 
 
 Mars is a planet, not a shooting star.
 
 I02 THE PAPHIAN BOWER; OR, 
 
 Ad. Plan it which way you please, for you can't beat me 
 
 At either. 
 Mars. That, sir's, to be tried, so meet me. 
 
 Duet — Mars and Adonis — " Meet me by moofdigliiJ* 
 
 Mars. Meet me by moonlight alone, 
 
 At half after nine without fail. 
 You know, sir, where stands the mile-stone 
 
 In the grove at the end of the vale ! 
 You must promise to come, for I've said, 
 
 And to keep my word strictly I mean. 
 I'll leave you of all bodies dead — 
 
 The deadest that ever was seen. 
 So meet me by moonlight alone ! 
 
 Yes, meet me by moonlight alone ! 
 
 Ad. I'll meet you by night or by day, 
 
 But if you'll just take a friend's hint, 
 The doctor should be in the way 
 
 With tourniquet, bandage, and lint. 
 Remember, be sure to be there, 
 
 For though little the lady I prize. 
 Some credit 'twill be, I declare. 
 
 To cut out a star from the skies. 
 So meet me by moonlight alone ! 
 
 Yes, meet me by moonlight alone ! 
 
 Ven. This mustn't be ! harness my team of sparrows ; 
 I will to Bow Street, swift as Cupid's arrows. 
 Give information — call out the police. 
 And bind them over both to keep the peace. 
 
 Concerted Piece — '' Mose in Egitto^ 
 
 Venus, Muses atid Graces, Hymen, q^^c. 
 
 Murder ! Here's a fine to-do — fine to-do ! 
 Let us all fly the city to— city to. 
 Cupid. To spoil sport 'tis a pity too — pity too ; 
 A duel looks so well next day in printers' ink.
 
 VENUS AND ADONIS. 103 
 
 \ " ' \ Yes, indeed, here's a fine to-do — fine to-do. 
 
 Who d'ye think, sir's, afraid of you — 'fraid of you ? 
 Mince meat soon shall be made of you — made of you. 
 You're a nice man — you're a nice man, I don't think. 
 Ven. How can you be two such geese — two such geese ? 
 Of your lives have you got a lease — got a lease ? 
 Or, like cats, have you nine apiece — nine apiece ? 
 That thus to gain eclat from risking one you think ! 
 Murder, here's a fine to-do, &c. 
 Yes, indeed, here's a fine to-do, &c. 
 
 Cofifusion — dosed in by 
 
 Scene Second. — Distant vieiv of the city ofPaphos. 
 
 Enter Mars, meeting Esculapius. 
 
 Mars. Great Esculapius — renowned M.D. ; 
 
 You are the very friend I wished to see. 
 EscuLA. Hah ! you look flushed — a little fever there. 
 
 Permit me — (feeling his pulse) In a gallop, I declare ; 
 
 Put out your tongue. 
 Mars. Pshaw ! hold yours while I speak. 
 
 EscuLA. Talking fatigues, and we seem rather weak ; 
 
 We'd better go to bed and take some gruel. 
 Mars. Take notice, you, I go to fight a duel. 
 EscuLA. Alarming symptoms ! caused by deadly drugs. 
 
 The mixture — patent gunpowder and slugs. 
 
 One pill a dose— ta'en early in the morning : 
 
 Patient popped off without a moment's warning. 
 
 Sad work for doctors. 
 Mars. Can't help that, but note — 
 
 Shoot him I sha'n't, I mean to cut his throat. 
 EscuL.*^. Steel med'cines ! worse and worse. 
 Mars. Tortures infernal 
 
 He's made me feel ! 
 EscuLA. Some injury internal. 
 
 What's the complaint ? 
 Mars. Flirting before my face 
 
 With Venus. 
 EscuLA. Yellow jaundice ! common case —
 
 I04 THE PAPHIAN BOWER; OR, 
 
 Must lose a little blood, an ounce or two, 
 
 From the sword arm. 
 Mars. I'll run the rascal through 
 
 The midriff! 
 EscuLA. And my fee ! If life be spilt, 
 
 How do you think my beard's to be kept gilt ? 
 
 S'death, do you take me for an undertaker 
 
 Or that I live by " dead men," like a baker ? 
 
 A flesh wound if you please, or slight contusion, 
 
 But kill a man outright — fits and confusion ! 
 
 Sir ! 'tis a most unprincipled aggression, 
 
 'Tis interfering, sir, with our profession ! 
 Mars. Time's flying fast ! do you decide to go ? 
 EscuLA. {looking out) 'Gad, he'll be past before I really 
 know ; 
 
 I'll catch Time by the forelock ! 
 
 Enter Saturn, wJio is seized by Esculapius accordingly. 
 
 Saturn. Come ! let go, man ! 
 
 EscuLA. Stay ! 
 
 Saturn. Never ! time and tide can stay for no man ! 
 
 EscULA. But I am tied to time — no inflammation ! 
 
 We doctors must take time for consultation ! 
 
 Besides, my dad, Apollo the musician, 
 
 Taught me to keep time, and with great precision. 
 
 Ay, and to beat time ! So, old Edax rerum. 
 
 As I've some things to say, you stop and hear 'em. 
 Saturn. Well then ! make haste, my sand must run mean 
 
 time. {turns his glass) 
 
 EscuLA. [aside to him) Mars is about to meet a rival — I'm 
 
 Desired to be in waiting ! I object. 
 
 On principle, and ask Time to reflect ! 
 Saturn, {aside) I have reflected ! while he strives to find 
 Time, 
 
 To fight his duel in — keep him behind Time. 
 
 And I will fly so fast, that e'er he's warning, 
 
 Time will be past, and bring to-morrow morning. 
 EscuLA. Sharp as a lancet ! now I've got him, there ! 
 
 (seizes Mars) 
 Saturn. Fair play's a jewel, then — let go my hair ! 
 
 (Esculapius lets Time go)
 
 VENUS AND ADONIS. 105 
 
 Mars. Why, s'death ! you're losing Time ! quick backward 
 
 haul him ! (Saturn _/?/V^ away) 
 
 EscuLA. He's flown ! and Jove himself could not recall him ! 
 
 {the scene darkens, and is lighted agaifi directly) 
 
 Mars, Distraction ! Time has slipped with night away. 
 
 And in the east there dawns another day ! 
 
 I shall be posted for a coward ! zounds ! 
 
 They'll say that war has got afraid of wounds ! 
 
 And that false hussey, Venus, too ! O scandal 
 
 Will make of this affair a precious handle ! 
 EscuLA. Scandal ! pho ! on insanity you border, 
 
 To mind a slight attack of that disorder. 
 
 Here's Mirth and Mercury, they'll bear me out. 
 
 Enter Momus atid Mercury, 
 
 'Tis an endemic going much about. 
 
 Unpleasant ! but with common prudence treated, 
 
 The virulence is very soon defeated. 
 
 Glee — EscuLAPius, jNIomus, and Mercury — " Dame 
 
 Durden." 
 
 Olympus has a crowd of gods. 
 
 And each has his female ; 
 And I'll bet you, my friend, long odds, 
 There runs of each some tale. 
 There's Pol kissed Clio, 
 And Jove kissed lo, 
 As proved by the peacock's tail ; 
 For Argus found his hundred eyes 'gainst love would 
 naught avail. 
 
 Dame Juno curls her haughty lip. 
 
 And dares at others rail ; 
 And Dian at the slightest slip, 
 
 Pretends her face to veil. 
 Yet Pan kissed Dian, 
 
 And Juno Ixion, 
 At least so runs the tale. 
 
 And they are pretty folk, alas !
 
 io6 THE PAPHIAN BOWER; OR, 
 
 To call their neighbours frail ! 
 
 Then isn't he a stupid ass, 
 Who turns at scandal pale. 
 
 {Exeunt Esculapius, Momus, and Mercury) 
 
 Mars. O, Time, I let you 'scape me in an ill time. 
 Tell me, ye gods ! what shall I do to kill time ? 
 I know ! I'll rouse a boar — a bristly, bony. 
 And brawney savage — -who shall kill young Dony. 
 By proxy my revenge shall now be taken, 
 I'll conjure up a boar, like Friar Bacon ! 
 
 {Melo-dramatic music)' 
 Goddess of vengeance ! wheresoe'er thou art. 
 Fierce Ate, rise, and take a forte part. 
 In my malicious glee ; thy serpents don — 
 Put the high pressure of thine engine on. 
 Esteemed goddess ! Mars will be thy stoker. 
 And stir thy fires, with his steely poker. 
 No safety valve shall save Adonis now, 
 The boiler of thy wrath shall burst and blow ^ 
 
 The minion into pieces ! speed from far. 
 Cry havoc, and let slip the hogs of war. 
 
 Enter Ate and Furies ; a Boar rushes out of the thicket. 
 
 Mars. Thou beast, who be'est a ranger of the wood, 
 And relishes a slice of man for food, 
 Sharpen thine ivories — do my bidding right, 
 And I'll indulge thy beastly appetite. 
 This day thou wilt encounter in a broil, 
 A youth who seeks thy beauty, beast, to spoil ; 
 Be bold as brass, and let him feel thy mettle. 
 Or to thy tail he'll surely tie a kettle. 
 He's rash, be rasher — we will egg him on, 
 And 'twixt two fires, doubtless he'll be done ! 
 Now tramp away, I will not see thee pause. 
 Till he become a sandwich 'twixt thy jaws. 
 
 Exeunt Mars, Ate, and Furies, driving the Boar before 
 
 them.
 
 VENUS AND ADONIS. 107 
 
 Scene Three. — Romantic view in the Island of Cyprus. 
 Adonis discovered pacing the stage. 
 
 Ad. Day breaks ! and finds me looking like an ass; 
 I've watched all night, with my couteau de chasse. 
 And no antagonist ! my temper's soured, 
 Whate'er his rank — I say he's a rank coward ! 
 At the Horse Guards, and every club I'll post him, 
 In type that all who run may read and roast him. 
 In black and white it shall by all be seen. 
 He feared being pinked and left upon the green. 
 The plain unvarnished tale abroad shall spread, 
 And Mars look blue, whenever that is read. 
 I've waited long enough ! be his the shame! 
 Here come the hunt ! so hey for other game. 
 
 Enter Hunters. 
 Chorus — " Foresters sound the cheerful horn." 
 
 Somebody sound the cheerful horn 
 
 For nobody here can play ; 
 And some old buck, as sure as he's born. 
 
 Shall kick the bucket to-day. 
 At length when jaded home we come, 
 
 We'll moisten well our clay 
 With whiskey, brandy, gin, and rum, 
 
 And backy puff-away, away, away ! &c. 
 
 {Exeiint Adonis and Hunters) 
 
 Music — '■'■By the simplicity of Venus's doves'" — to which 
 Venus a7id Cupid descend i?i a car draivn by turtle doves. 
 
 Ven. This way we hear the horns ! am I too late, 
 
 To warn my dear Adonis of his fate ? 
 Cupid. I wonder, ma, you plague yourself about, 
 
 So boorish and insensible a lout. 
 
 The Queen of Beauty, thus to hanker after, 
 
 A bumpkin full of dog talk and horse laughter. 
 Ven. How can you wonder, who have willed it so ? 
 
 The more he flies me — I the fonder grow ! 
 
 Find him 1 must, and bid him Mars beware! 
 
 There's something brewing — but it's not a bear.
 
 io8 THE PAPHIAN BOWER; OR, 
 
 A strange presentiment my soul comes o'er, 
 If aught kill him, 'twill be a horrid bore ! 
 Go when I tell you, sir ! drive back my car, 
 You'll find good stabling, yonder at "The Star." 
 Let the doves have a peck of peas, when cool, 
 And don't you witli the bar-maid play the fool. 
 As you're too apt to do — you wicked elf ! 
 
 Cupid. But mayn't I order something for myself? 
 I'm hungry too. 
 
 Ven. At such a time as this is ? 
 
 Well, your old luncheon, bread and cheese and 
 kisses. 
 Exit Cupid 7vith car; horns heard without. 
 
 That strain again ! they wind those horns about. 
 So plaguily — the deuce can't find 'em out; 
 
 Song — Venus — " Kelvin Grove.''' 
 
 Where the dickens hast thou floAvn, 
 
 Dear Adonis, O. 
 It amazes me, I own, — Dear Adonis, O. 
 That so coolly forth you'd ride. 
 When with me you might abide, 
 By Love's cosy fire-side, — Dear Adonis, O. _ 
 Sure as death, and quarter day, — Cold Adonis, O. 
 You'll be brought to book or bay, Sad Adonis, O. 
 Must the Queen of Beauty bawl ? 
 And you take no heed at all ! 
 For her pride, oh, what a fall, — Rude Adonis, O. 
 For her pride, oh, what a fall, — Rude Adonis, O. 
 
 But the Time is come for you, — Mad x\donis, O. 
 
 To have a tumble too, — Bad Adonis, O. 
 
 I'd a shocking dream last night. 
 
 You were fishing by moonlight. 
 
 And Avild boar alone would bite, — Sad Adonis, O. 
 
 I see the danger nigh, — Dear Adonis, O. 
 
 I've a stye in my mind's eye, — Dear Adonis, O. 
 
 Stretch'd already you appear 
 
 On your intermediate bier,
 
 VENUS AND ADONIS. 109 
 
 And the porters drop it here, — Dead Adonis, O. 
 And the porters drop it here, — Dead Adonis, O. 
 
 {Exit Venus) 
 
 Music — E7itcr Adonis, purstiing the Wild Boar. 
 
 Ad. Aha, my boy ! no thoroughfare that way ! 
 
 I have you now ! Oh, what you'll stand at bay ? 
 With all my heart. Nay, think not I'm in joke. 
 Long as I find you pig, you'll find me poke ! 
 
 Song — Adonis — " Cease, r^ide Boreas.''^ 
 
 Cease, wild boar, thou blustering railer, 
 
 List with thy pig's ear to me ; 
 Quickly here, thou fell assailer, 
 
 Thou shalt be assailed by me ; 
 Though thy bristles in commotion, 
 
 Like a row of bayonets rise. 
 Vain thy threats, for I've a notion 
 
 Pork is excellent in pies. 
 
 Enter Mars — Melo-dramatic vuisic — Adonis attacks the 
 Boar, who, goaded by Mars, succeeds in iciumding 
 Adonis, who falls — Exeunt Mars and Boar. 
 
 Ad. I'm dish'd by jingo! In at my own death 
 After a hard run — rather out of breath. 
 Dear brother bucks, in my last will you'll find. 
 As in the chase, I've left you all — behind. 
 
 Enter Venus, Cupid and the Graces. 
 
 Ven. That voice ! O mischief ! thou art quick a-breeding \ 
 Adonis dies ! the flow'r of love lies bleeding ! 
 Go bring a surgeon, and if one won't do. 
 Another must be found to bring him to. 
 Let night in general mourning put the skies, 
 And bid the moon and all the planets rise, 
 And set on Mars who set upon my dear 
 The beastly boar that over bore him here ! 
 And through the brute's own nose go put a ring, 
 And drag him hither, Love, by thy bowstring.
 
 1 1 o THE PAPHIAN BO WER ; OR, 
 
 Air — Venus — " Thy Father ! away /" 
 
 Fly farther away, and bring back the vile boar 
 Who has wounded Adonis, the youth I adore. 
 Let Dian the traitor to punishment bring, 
 For coming to go for to do such a thing. 
 
 Away, &c., 
 
 Clouds begin to fill the scene — Exennt Cupid ; Graces, 
 separately. 
 
 Ad. You're very kind, but spare yourself the trouble ; 
 I've often had a squeak for life's vain bubble. 
 And now 'tis burst — my final leap is taken ; 
 It's quite impossible to save my bacon. 
 I'm run to earth, and must bid you good-bye ; 
 So prithee don't continue in full cry. 
 Shake hands, and let's part friends — 'twill soon be over ; 
 I'm going fast as I can go to cover. 
 
 Quintette — " Mild as the moonbeams" — Venus, Adonis 
 and the Graces, ivho return. 
 
 To range the Elysian fields Adonis hies. 
 
 O Dian, hear ! Fair huntress of the skies ! 
 
 Mildly her moonbeams through the dark clouds tremble. 
 
 Come, Queen of Night, and aid the Queen of Love. 
 
 The moon as a crescent, with Diana seated in it, rises through 
 the clouds, which clear off. 
 
 Ven. Diana ! Luna ! Proserpine ! which e'er 
 
 Of thy three names thou likest best to bear — 
 
 Hear, goddess of the silver bow, my call. 
 
 Thou lady patroness of earth's gay ball ; 
 
 Queen of the planets, empress of the stars, 
 
 Venus invokes your vengeance upon Mars. 
 
 He's killed the youth to whom we both were partial. 
 
 Oh, break the baton of this fierce field-marshal, 
 
 Say a court martial called on Mars shall be, 
 
 Or plunge him, Dian, in the marshalsea. 
 Dian. Alack, fair dame, no influence have I 
 
 In any court save that of Chancery.
 
 VENUS AND ADONIS. 1 1 1 
 
 There lunacy's the ward of law, you know, 
 
 And many not quite mad are driven so. 
 Ven. Assist me, then, for grief has made me frantic. 
 
 Thou art the friend of lovers. 
 DiAN. How romantic ! 
 
 Well, then, to moderate your grief profound, 
 
 Apply this lunar caustic to the wound. 
 
 'Twill burn his body up, but has the power 
 
 To make him fitter still for beauty's bower. 
 
 The fields he hunted he shall still adorn — 
 
 Still shoot — "A native to the Manor born." 
 
 Still shall he drink the morning's healthful dew, 
 
 Still shall he blow, though not a bugle, through. 
 
 Still shall he scent the gale, for he shall be 
 
 The wind flower, alias anemone. 
 
 Adonis sinks and an anemone gradually rises in his place. 
 
 Ven. He's gone off in a puff ! Is it a joke ? 
 And will it end as it began — in smoke ? 
 Ah no ! behold sweet incense round it throwing. 
 He rises all a-growing — all a-blowing. 
 Sweet bud, from scorching sun and wintry shower 
 I'll shield thee. 
 
 Adonis's y^fTif appears in the centre of the fiotver. 
 
 Ad. That's the time of day, my flower. 
 
 Music — Mars appears as a platiet in the sky. 
 
 Ven. See where Mars sheds his angry rays ! Resist 'em ! 
 
 DiAN. He's the most baneful planet in our system. ■ 
 Unless by Sol's consent some comet whips him, 
 The most that I can do is to eclipse him. 
 
 {Music — Moves, and her shadow eclipses Mars) 
 
 Mars. Hollo ! you've snuffed me out ! Zounds, ma'am, be 
 civil. 
 I wish you'd mind what you're about. The devil 
 Is in the moon for mischief, sure. She fidgets 
 About the sky, and with her dirty digits
 
 1 1 2 THE PA PHI AN B O WER ; OR, 
 
 Blackens one's face. Oh, Francis Moore, Physician, 
 How long must I remain in this condition ? 
 Ven. {to Diana) Is not the boar within your jurisdiction ? 
 
 Cupid entering. 
 
 Cupid. He's here in custody and sore affliction. 
 
 DiAN. Let him be killed and cured — we are not joking him. 
 
 Off with his head — so much for poking him. 
 
 {Exit Cupid) 
 Ven. {to Audience) To shine as evening star 'tis now my 
 hour ; 
 
 But ere again I seek my Paphian Bower, 
 
 May I — oh, may I hope you'll bid it bloom ? 
 
 You who alone can really chase my gloom ! 
 
 Though metamorphoses I've here a few, 
 
 I never wish to metamorphose you ! 
 
 My humble spells are only thrown around you 
 
 To keep you the kind friends I ever found you. 
 
 Surely the simple flower that opes to-night, 
 
 This genial atmosphere will never blight ; 
 
 Nor will my poor new moon to wane be told. 
 
 Before she is at least a few days old. 
 
 Let Hymen join your hands — they have the power 
 
 To bless my Stars, and save my Paphian Bower. 
 
 Then be not, by malignant Mars, deluded, 
 
 But ratify the piece we've here concluded. 
 
 Music — The Boar is brought in, i?t processio7i, by Cupid, 
 ^c, formiiig the picture by Westall — Venus, in the mean- 
 time, passes behind the clouds and appears as the Evening 
 Star. 
 
 Finale — " My delight on a shiny night, in the season of the 
 
 year." 
 
 Ad. Oh, once I was a hunter. 
 
 And chased both hare and deer. 
 
 But by an ugly grunter. 
 Cut short was my career ; 
 
 And now I am a flower, 
 I hope to blossom here.
 
 VEiYUS AND ADONIS. 
 
 "3 
 
 And nightly grow in your favour thro' 
 The season of the year. 
 
 DiAN. I hope I'm not encroaching, 
 
 Nor speaking out of place, 
 I do object to poaching, 
 
 As Goddess of the Chase ; 
 But as the moon, I wink at it, 
 
 As sometimes doth appear ; 
 And my delight is a shiny night. 
 
 With shining phases here. 
 
 Enter Saturn, hastily. 
 
 Saturn. Since there is time for all things, 
 
 Some time to Time allow. 
 My time is come to tremble. 
 
 Though pastime 'twas till now ; 
 Oh, spare then time to revel 
 
 For some time longer here, 
 And make the piece we're winding up 
 
 A time-piece for the year."^ 
 
 Ven. By some we're charged with poaching, 
 
 But I deny the same. 
 For here we have a licence 
 
 To sell Olympic game. 
 Then, friends and patrons, favour us 
 
 With a merry Christmas cheer. 
 And I wish you all the compliments 
 
 Of the season of the year.f 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 "(originally) And if the Times reporter 
 Should happen to be here, 
 We hope he'll write that our piece to-night 
 Is a time-piece for the year. 
 
 ■}■(«/ other periods) 
 
 Then friends, and patrons, favour us 
 With a good old English cheer ; 
 And to our delight let us every night 
 Of the Season see you here !
 
 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND 
 THE GAME; 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE CARD PARTY; 
 
 A Most Extravagant Extravaganza, 
 
 OR 
 
 RUM- ANTIC BURLETTA, 
 In One Act. 
 
 First performed at . the Theatre Royal, Olympic, Monday, 
 September 30, 1833. 
 
 Speak by the card.'" — SHAKESPEARE. 
 
 I 2
 
 [ "7 ] 
 
 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 
 
 This piece, produced at the Olympic at the opening of 
 the season 1833-34, is the first which was entitled an 
 " Extravaganza," the necessary precaution, however, being 
 taken to add to the novel term that of " Burletta." Having 
 fixed on a mythological subject for the Christmas piece, it 
 was determined to increase the distinction by substituting in 
 this instance blank verse for rhyme, in humble imitation of 
 Fielding's immortal " Tom Thumb." There was some risk 
 in departing from a style which had become identified with 
 the popular little theatre ; but it was favourably received by 
 the audience, the ears of the play-going public being more 
 accustomed to the heroic measure in those days than they 
 are at present, and thoroughly familiar with all the quota- 
 tions from, or parodies on, passages in Shakespeare and 
 other of our elder dramatists with which the dialogue was 
 copiously interlarded. 
 
 One circumstance is worth recording as illustrative of the 
 manners of the day. 
 
 Cards had ceased being the ordinary evening amusement 
 in nearly every class of London society. Music, " Heavenly 
 maid," was daily increasing the number of her votaries. In 
 almost every private family the piano had gradually pushed 
 the card-table into the remotest corner of the drawing-room, 
 or even into an adjoining apartment, wherein, on nights of
 
 ii8 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 
 
 friendly gatherings, it frequently stood with two unlighted 
 candles upon it and vacant chairs around it the whole 
 evening. The consequence was that the phraseology of, and 
 allusions to, the various old English games of cards,* with the 
 exception of those of whist and cribbage {ecarte. being a 
 recent importation from the Continent), passed unrecognised 
 by the general audience, or at any rate fell pointless, as much 
 to our surprise as to our mortification. Nevertheless, the 
 novelty of the idea, the quaint, and at the same time beauti- 
 ful dresses, and characteristic scenery, and above all the 
 spirit with which the performers entered into the whim of 
 the piece — not attempting to be fiomy but acting it as 
 seriously as possible — secured its success. It ran merrily on 
 for forty nights, was frequently revived, and has since kept 
 its position as a holiday entertainment in the provinces 
 under the title of " A Christmas Card Party." 
 
 Though the fourth of our " joint-stock " pieces at the 
 Olympic, it was the first published, preceded by the 
 following 
 
 •' Advertisement." 
 
 "The great success which has attended the previous 
 burlesque burlettas at this theatre by the same authors has 
 induced them to submit the whole of the present one to the 
 
 * Ombre, Piquet, Cassino, Patience, Pope Joan, and Beggar-my- 
 Neighbour, Commerce, Speculation, Loo, limited and unlimited, All- 
 fours, Fright, Vingt-un, Brag, Beat the Knave out of doors. With 
 how many of these is the majority of the present generation 
 familiar ?
 
 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 119 
 
 public in a printed form, at the same price as and in lieu of 
 the songs only as heretofore. It is intended, now that 
 efficient protection is afforded by the late Act, to follow up 
 this by the publication of the classical burlesque burlettas 
 called ' Olympic Revels,' 'Olympic Devils,' and the 
 'Paphian Bower,' which will appear in quick succession. 
 
 " The authors take this first opportunity of expressing their 
 sincere gratitude to the public for the encouragement ac- 
 corded to their humble endeavours to increase the harmless 
 stock of public amusement, and to congratulate themselves, 
 in the words of 'the Merry Monarch,' that 'Their 
 nonsense suits their nonsense.' " 
 
 Alas ! The glorious uncertainty of the law very speedily 
 reduced the rightful expectations of the dramatic authors 
 to a minimum. The Act alluded to in that Advertisement 
 received the Royal sanction, loth of June, 1833, but a 
 decision of Lord Chief Justice Denman, shortly after 
 the passing of it, rendered nugatory the retrospective 
 clauses, transferring the benefits clearly intended for 
 the author to the publisher, who had in some instances 
 given as little as two guineas for a copyright worth 
 fifty or a hundred ; and in 1842, by an Act con- 
 cerning " common law procedure " they were still further 
 deprived of their best weapons of defence. This, how- 
 ever, is not the place for a discussion of the subject, 
 which is only mentioned as forming an important epoch in 
 the history of the stage, which I have undertaken, as far as 
 lies in my power, to illustrate in these volumes.
 
 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 121 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS, &c. 
 
 PLAYING CARDS. 
 
 The King of Spades {^flitshed with victory over 
 the King of Hearts) ... 
 
 The Queen OF Spades 
 
 His Honour the Lord Ace Chancellor 
 
 His Grace the Deuce (Lord Little Cassino to his 
 Majesty) 
 
 The Knave of Spades (Captain of the Life 
 Guards Black) ... ... 
 
 His Eminence the Ten of Diamonds (Cardinal 
 Legate from Pope Joan, Lord Great Cassino 
 to the King of I)iamonds and Envoy Extra- 
 ordinary to the Court of Spades) 
 
 The King of Clubs (a Knight of the Round 
 Table) 
 
 The Knave of Clubs (commonly called Pam, 
 his Squire) 
 
 Ombre of the King of Hearts (fallen in combat 
 against the King of Spades) ... 
 
 Mr. Matthews 
 Miss Fitzwalter 
 Mr. Tully 
 
 Miss Pettifer 
 
 Mr. Wyman 
 
 Mr, Mason 
 Mr. J. Biand 
 Mr. Collier 
 
 Mr. Huggins 
 
 The Queen of Hearts (a captivating Captive) IMadame Vestris 
 
 The Knave of Hearts (ex-Valet to the King) Mr. Salter 
 
 Common Cards of the various suits : Messrs. Ireland, Hitchinson, 
 
 Fry, Morgan, Dowsing, and Griffin ; Mesdames Crawford, Norman, 
 
 Greener, Harrington, Nicholson, Melbourne, Goward, Tully. 
 
 The Music selected from the best hands, and arranged l)y Mr. Blewitt. 
 
 The new Suits by Mr. Jefkins, Miss Ireland, and Partners, from 
 original paintings in the possession of everybody. 
 
 A deal of Machinery by Mr. Mackintosh. The Properties made and 
 
 cut by Mr. Buckley. 
 
 The new Scenery (painted by Mr. Gordon) will be dealt out in regular 
 
 order.
 
 [ ^-'3 ] 
 
 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME; 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE CARD PARTY. 
 
 As the Overture commences the Curtain rises ajid 
 
 discovers — 
 
 Scene First. — A well-known exterior, i.e., the portrait of the 
 Great Mogul, as seen on the cover of a new pack of cards. 
 
 At the conclusiofi of the Overture a crash is heard, and the 
 scene parting, as if torn asunder, discovers — 
 
 Scene Second. — The Court Card Room of the King of 
 Spades. 
 
 The King and Queen of Spades are seated on their thrones — 
 His Honour the Ace 07t the right of the King, and his Grace 
 the Deuce on the left of the Queen — The rest of the suit are 
 arranged oti each side of the throne, a7id captive Hearts^ 
 of both sexes, kneelitig before it, under the guard of the Knave 
 OF Spades — Grand flourish — At a sign from the King 
 the Deuce advances to the orchestra. 
 
 Deuce, {pointing with his wand to the leader) It's your 
 lead — play ! 
 
 Glee and Chorus — " The mighty Conqueror of Hearts." 
 
 The mighty Conqueror of Hearts in triumph here behold ! 
 With all his trumps, we sound his fame, our champion stout 
 
 and bold ! 
 While honours count for victory, ye Spades, in chorus sing, 
 " A lucky job it was for us we turned up such a King ! "
 
 124 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 
 
 K. OF S. Thanks, my brave Pips ! my noble black cards, 
 thanks ! 
 We like this adulation ! Praise is nought 
 Unless 'tis laid on with a trowel ! We 
 Are king " de jure " and " de facto." Therefore, 
 Play the whole game or nothing ! 
 
 Q. OF S. Yet, my liege {rising} 
 
 K. OF S. Silence ! 
 
 Q. OF S. I'm dumb. {sits douni)- 
 
 K, OF S. Not you, sweet partner ; to the court I spoke. 
 Proceed, and without further interruption. 
 
 Q. OF S. Well, then, my liege, I was about to say 
 
 {risifig again)' 
 I thought — — 
 
 K. OF S. We differ from you totally, 
 
 And so sit down. My lords I court cards and 
 
 common. 
 You have just now, and justly, sung our praises. 
 We scorn to laud ourselves ; but we are sworn 
 To speak the truth. We are the greatest monarch 
 Upon the cards. Be quiet ; for we know it. 
 In evil hour for him, the King of Hearts 
 Affronted us. On the green cloth of battle 
 Soon hand to hand we met. But our hand proved 
 Too strong for his — a pretty hand he made on't — 
 For with our own great spade to bed we put him, 
 And left him playing dummy. 
 
 Deuce. Glorious game ! 
 
 These red men thought to make us blackies slaves. 
 You taught them. Sire, a trick worth two of that 
 
 K. OF S. Silence ! we would we could induce the Deuce 
 To hold his tongue — deuce take him ! As we said, 
 The King of Hearts is playing dummy. But 
 Not so his captive Queen — she talks of liberty. 
 And talks incessantly, as queens, and women. 
 Captive or not, are but too prone to do. 
 Has she a motive for so talking ? Silence^ 
 We thank your forwardness, but we can answer. 
 Good people, for ourself Has she a motive ? 
 We have a shrewd suspicion — we say nothing — 
 The King of Diamonds is a widower ;
 
 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 125 
 
 The Queen of Hearts good-looking — -we had ahnost 
 said 
 
 Confoundedly good-looking—we say nothing. 
 Deuce, {aside) Alethinks his Majesty talks much for one 
 
 Who constantly says nothing. 
 K. OF S. Silence ! I say 'tis just upon the cards 
 
 That this same King may offer her his hand — 
 
 Should he prefer his suit — {flourish ivitlwui) 
 
 Did we say trumpet ? 
 
 (Knave of Spades retires and returns with a card) 
 
 Kn. of S. My liege, a card. 
 
 K. OF S. The Ten of Diamonds ! 
 
 Kn. OF S. The Cardinal, lord great Cassino to 
 
 And envoy from his Majesty his king. 
 K. OF S. Aha ! my Pips ! I ask you, is your Sovereign 
 
 A good hand at a guess or not ? No answer ! 
 
 Turn up the Ten of Diamonds. 
 
 Enter Ten of Diamonds. 
 
 K. of S. Welcome, Lord Cardinal ! What says our cousin, 
 
 His precious Majesty of Diamonds ? 
 Ten. Diamonds sends health to Spades, and greets him 
 thus : 
 
 The Queen of Hearts — poor heart — a captive maid. 
 
 Or rather made a captive by thine arms. 
 
 Here languishes in prison. 
 K. OF S. Wonderful ! 
 
 Hast thou no news, my lord ? All this we know. 
 
 We took that trick ourself ! 
 Deuce. 'Twas an odd trick. 
 K. OF S. Aha ! 
 
 I )euce. Because it won the game. 
 K. OF S. Oho ! Proceed. 
 
 Ten. Her Majesty of Hearts 
 
 K. OF S. Silence ! 
 
 Ten. Alack ! how can I tell my tale. 
 
 Great Spade, and yet be silent too ? 
 K. OF S. That's true 
 
 But cut thy tale short, and let's have the heads. 
 
 Proceed from •' languishes in prison," — we 
 
 Have heard the rest before.
 
 126 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 
 
 Ten. In prison, and 
 
 The King, my king, desires her instant freedom. 
 
 K. OF S. Desires ! 
 
 Ten. Entreats ! 
 
 K. OF S. That's better. We'll consult 
 
 His Honour here, the Ace. Lord Chancellor, 
 You hear the King of Diamonds doth propose 
 To take the Queen of Hearts, and in exchange 
 To give us^nothing. The advantage thus, 
 Being all upon one side, 'twere crooked policy 
 Methinks, to grant this boon. But how say you ? 
 
 Ace. I doubt — I'll take the papers home and look at them 
 Ere I give judgment in this card case. 
 
 K. OF S. Pshaw ! 
 
 Doubt me no doubts ! Chief Justice Hoyle hath ruled, 
 When in doubt win the trick. We do refuse 
 
 Ten. My answer is then ? 
 
 K. OF S. Flat denial ; unless 
 
 He offer every diamond in the pack 
 
 By way of ransom ! Go, inform our cousin 
 
 We'll see him — he knows what first. For yourself, 
 
 Your stick is in your hand, sir — cut it. 
 
 Ten. Ah ! this to me ! Remember, haughty Spade, 
 Pope Joan is our near kinswoman ! There's but 
 One pip between us and her Holiness ! 
 Beware of excommunication ! There's 
 A bull 
 
 K. OF S. A bull ! we'll take it by the horns. 
 The Pope ! Poh, poh ! 
 Thou canst not, Cardinal, in all the cards 
 Find one so slight and so ridiculous 
 To charge me with an answer as the Pope. 
 Go tell her so. She'll find that in her game 
 The King of Spades' a stop. Despising too 
 You and our master — thus we turn our back — 
 You'll find your answer plain ! 
 
 (King and Court tiirti their backs 2ipo7i the Cardinal) 
 Break up the court — {Exit Cardinal) 
 
 We're for the chase. Go order Hunt and Son* 
 
 ■ The principal makers of playing-cards, the De la Rues of that day.
 
 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 127 
 
 To let our pack out. Whosoe'er the game, 
 Be sure you follow suit ! 
 
 Air and Chorus — '■'• Der Freischutz" — '■'■Hark! follow ; 
 
 hark!" 
 
 King, Away, hie away to the table's green cover ; 
 Ourself will be pony and make up the pack ; 
 The hounds shall play points, and when land games 
 are over. 
 There's fish in the pool, and we'll turn up a Jack. 
 Let Jew money-lenders play " Beggar my neighbour ; " 
 Let merchants play " Commerce," and soldiers 
 "Picquet;" 
 At vain " Speculation " philosophers labour ; 
 We're for " Whist " — and our crown on the rubber we'll 
 bet. 
 
 Chorus — Then, Cards, follow suit, follow suit, follow 
 
 suit, &c. 
 
 {Exeunt Omnes) 
 
 Scene Three.— ^ Room in the Palace. 
 
 Enter the Knave of Hearts. 
 
 Kn. of H. So far my game goes well. The King of Hearts 
 Is slain — his suit dispersed — his Queen a captive ; 
 All, all through me ! 'Twas I finessed the Tyrant, 
 I overlooked his hand, and told the foe 
 Exactly what he held. O, sweet revenge ! 
 What ! For I ate a paltry score of tarts 
 Made on a summer day by his fair Queen, 
 Must I be scorned, discarded, rhymes made on me 
 And set to filthy tunes ? Forbid it, fate ! 
 No, no ; I'll not be called a knave for nothing. 
 Vengeance is fed crop-full ; but T^ove ! ah, Love ! 
 Almighty Love is yet unsatisfied. 
 I'm sore perplexed. The Queen of Spades' blue eyes 
 Have driven the black ones of the Queen of Hearts
 
 128 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 
 
 Almost from out my nob ; I must win both. 
 Intrigue and Matrimony ! By Pope Joan ! 
 The Knave — the poor despised Knave — will be 
 Within an ace of clearing all the board. 
 
 Air — Knave of Hearts — ^^ The Minstrel Boy. ''^ 
 
 The King of Spades to the chase has gone, 
 
 In the midst of the pack you'll find him ; 
 He leads his suit to the black game on, 
 
 But his Queen he has left behind him : 
 An honour she is called to his throne, 
 
 And she bears like a saint her slavery \ 
 But, like the rest of her sex, I own 
 
 She doats on a bit of knavery. 
 
 {Exit) 
 
 Scene Four. — A Prison — The Queen of Hearts is dis- 
 covered — attended by four of her Ladies, Maids of Honour, 
 one of whom, kneeling, holds before her a miniature of 
 the King, her late husband (a playing card in case). 
 
 Queen, (advancing to the air of'''' Portrait Charmant ") Yes, 
 thou sweet image of my sainted lord, 
 By day I hold thee ever in my hand : 
 Night comes, and finds thee laid out in my crib ! 
 Well I remember, I was sweet fifteen. 
 And you were fifteen too ; ah, what a pair ! 
 Made for each other ; when your first fond suit 
 Brought a wild flush into my maiden cheeks, 
 Which counted, made you out. For years I wore thee 
 " Here, in my heart of hearts." For years we pegged 
 At the same board together. Oh ! my husband. 
 Now thou hast shufiled off thy mortal coil, 
 I have no heart to cut for partners more ! 
 
 Enter the Knave of Hearts. 
 
 Ha ! Can I trust my sight ? Avaunt base knave — 
 Ruffian — rascallion — rebel — regicide —
 
 HIGH, LOW, JACK, A^W THE GAME. 129 
 
 Thief — coward — jackanapes — and jack-a-dandy. 
 
 In short, thou everything but gentleman. 
 Kn. of H. In short ! That's i)ersonal ; marry come up, 
 
 Shorts are the fashion ; and Bob Short* is called 
 
 A high authority ! " In short," forsooth ! 
 
 Short-sighted lady, I'll be short with you. 
 
 I love you, and would take you for my bride. 
 Q. OF H. Take me ! Yoii take the Queen ! You cannot 
 do it. 
 
 I am a cut above you, sir, and sooner 
 
 Than I'd take you, and make myself the Jill of such a 
 Jack, 
 
 I'd take the meanest spade, and dig my grave with it. 
 
 Kn. of H. Indignant Queen 
 
 Q. OF H. Impudent knave ! talkest thou of love to me ? 
 Kn. of H. Alack, madame ! 
 
 Air — Knave — " Is there a heart ? " 
 
 Is there a heart that never loved ? 
 
 If so, it is not mine : 
 Is there a knave can mark unmoved 
 
 A point that should be thine ? 
 Oh ! bear him to some distant shores, 
 
 Or shabby " silver hell," 
 Where monsters only play " All Fours," 
 
 Where honours never tell. 
 
 Q. of H. Honours ! I never reckoned upon thine, be 
 
 sure. 
 Kn. of H. Hear me in prose my ardent passion tell. 
 Q. of H. Thy passion ! thine ! begone, or thou shalt find 
 
 Thy passion, saucy knave, a joke to mine ! 
 Kn. of H. Madam, I go. How's this ? {aside) The King 
 of Spades. 
 So, so ; fair Queen, you arc his game to-day ; 
 To mark the King, I'll play at karte. 
 
 {conceals himself) 
 
 * Rules for the game of whist were pu])Hshecl under this pseudonym, 
 well known and constantly quoted at that lime. I am now asked, 
 " Who was Bob Short ?" 
 
 K
 
 I30 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 
 
 E/ife?- the King of Spades. 
 
 K. OF S. How fares our fairest prisoner of war? 
 
 Q. OF H. With the humiUty which best befits 
 Our sad condition, briefly we reply, 
 We're none the better, sir, for seeing you. 
 
 K. OF S. Most captivating captive, we in turn 
 
 Do wear your chains ; so we have cut the pack, 
 And sUpped away to pay our duty here : 
 See at thy feet a spade {k?ieelitig) 
 
 Q. OF H. A rake you mean. 
 
 K. OF S. Well, be it so ; thou art the mould of form I 
 And I propose 
 
 Q. OF H. And I refuse 
 
 K. OF S. Hard heart ! 
 
 Before thou knowest what. 
 
 Q. OF H. I know what's what, and therefore do refuse. 
 
 Air — Queen — " My heart with love is beati7ig" 
 
 When spades our hearts were beating, 
 
 And doubling them all down, 
 I felt it was by cheating 
 
 My husband lost a crown. 
 Fair play could ne'er have done it. 
 
 For, w^hen our colour fled. 
 E'en you yourself must own it, 
 
 The run was on the red. 
 
 K. OF S. Never ! Beware the sequence ; you have ruffed 
 me 
 When leading from my weakest suit ; but now 
 I'll change it. Queen, and play a forward game ! 
 
 {seizing her) 
 Q. OF H. I'll call a card. Help ! help ! 
 
 Knave of Hearts, ivho has slipped out, retia-ns with the 
 
 Queen of Spades. 
 
 K. OF S. The Knave of Hearts ! my wife too I I've mis- 
 dealt. 
 And lost the game by it.
 
 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 131 
 
 Q. OF S. So, sir, I've caught you. 
 
 What ! fling down your own hand, and take up Miss 
 
 Before my face ! 
 K. OF S. It was amiss, I own ; but I repent. 
 
 And ask my partner, " can you one " — forgive ? 
 Q. OF S. Your partner scorns to answer ; you have scored 
 
 A point that honours do not count at. 
 K. OF S. Nay, 
 
 That's nine, you know, and we are but at sixes 
 
 And sevens ; all may yet be well. 
 Q. OF S. Away 1 
 K. OF S. Slight of hand ! I'll not bear this ! 
 
 Spades are still trumps, and I of Spades am King, 
 
 And the last player too ; the trick is mine : 
 
 So, madam, as you choose to say we're nine, 
 
 I'm out by cards. What, ho ! there ! take 'em up : 
 
 I'll make a brule of 'em all ! 
 
 The Ghost of the King of Hearts appears. 
 
 K. of S. {starting) Mother-o'-pearl ! What carte-blanche 
 
 have we here ? 
 Ghost. I am the ombre of the King of Hearts. 
 Q. OF H. My husband ! 
 Kn. of H. My late King ! 
 
 K. OF S. Avaunt and quit my sight — let the earth hide 
 thee ! 
 
 There is no speculation in those eyes 
 
 That thou dost glare withal ! 
 Ghost. I do not play 
 
 At speculation. 
 Kn. of H. {aside) No ; he plays at fright. 
 K. OF S. What game is now a-foot ? 
 Ghost. Whist ! whist ! oh whist ! 
 K. OF S. Whence comest thou ? 
 Ghost. From a — hem ! 
 
 A Pandemonium — a shocking place 
 
 At the court-end of the town. 
 K. OF S. And what thine errand ? 
 Ghost. I have come to warn you ; 
 
 You have revoked 
 
 K. OF S. Poh, poh ! 
 
 K 2
 
 132 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 
 
 Ghost. I say you have. 
 
 A heart was led ; and when you trumped this trick 
 
 My Queen was in your hand. 
 K. OF S. I care not. I — I'll not give up a point. 
 Ghost. Then D. I. O. 
 Q. OF H. Oh ! say before you go 
 
 Two words of comfort to your wretched wife. 
 Ghost. Red wins. {the Ghost disappears) 
 
 Q. OF H. Ah, tyrant ! hearest thou that ? red wins ! 
 K. OF S. Red wins ! red shall not win — that ghost shall 
 lie 
 
 In the Red Sea ! — What, ho ! My guards here ! 
 
 Without there ! 
 
 Concerted Piece—" Piano Pianissimo^'' from the 
 " Barber of Seville." 
 
 Knave of Hearts, Queen of Hearts, and Queen of 
 
 Spades. 
 
 Piano Pianissimo : — Keep within bounds. 
 For such high airs you have no grounds. 
 
 All but King. 
 
 Of the sequence pray take heed, sir, 
 Such vile play can ne'er succeed, sir ! 
 Fate will soon return your lead, sir — 
 Conscience won't be mute ! — 
 And you'll rue the day, indeed, sir, 
 You refused your partner's suit ! 
 
 King. 
 
 Silence ! Silence ! Cease your bawling ; 
 By the heels I'll lay you sprawling ; 
 For a new deal Vengeance calling 
 Makes me deaf to Pity's suit.
 
 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 13: 
 
 Scene Five. — Extenor of Card Castle — March in '■'^ Blue 
 Beards — Enter King of Clues and Pam. 
 
 K. OF C. Behold the King of Clubs ! who has become 
 An errant knight for the sweet Queen of Hearts ; 
 And Pam, an arrant knave, who leads him on 
 With idle hopes unlimited, in lieu 
 Of dealing reason out with friendly hand. 
 
 Pam. To deal out reason to a lover is 
 
 To lose a deal of time. Odd's fish and counters ! 
 I've served too many knights at the round table 
 Not to know that, my master ! 
 
 K. OF C. Pam, be civil. 
 
 And tell me if thou seest a card house near 
 That may contain my love. 
 
 Pam. Your most majestic Majesty of Clubs 
 
 Has but to follow your own nose three steps, 
 And you may ring it soundly at the gate 
 Of a fair castle. 
 
 K. OF C. Ha ! my grief's so great 
 
 It blinds me ! As thou sayest, there is a castle — 
 And built with cards ! my sympathetic soul 
 Tells me that here my love in limbo lies. 
 E'en while her husband lived, across the board 
 Oft have her black eyes on my blue beard cast 
 Their whistful glances. Ha ! I know the play 
 Will fetch her out. From Blue-Beard I will pull 
 The finest air. Come forth, my dulcet lute, 
 And you, my sharp set squire, a while be mute. 
 While I, with lowly suit and plaintive ditty, 
 Attempt to move this gentle heart to pity ! 
 
 Air — King of Clubs — " Twilight Glimmers" cS-r.— «" Blue 
 
 Beard." 
 
 Sky-light open, and play bo-peep, 
 Lady-love — lady-love — never fear 
 Wall to climb and ditch to leap, 
 Lady-love — lady-love — see limbs here ! 
 
 The Queen of Hearts appears on the battlement.
 
 134 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 
 
 Q. OF H. What airy sound floats o'er the area rails, 
 And to the high top-garret of my tower 
 Adds a new story built by hope and joy ? 
 I've heard that air before — I'll try this here. 
 
 Air — Queen of Hearts — " Tink a tink,^'' '■'■Blue Beard'' 
 
 Here sighing, sick, dying, sorrow hanging over me. 
 
 Faint, weary, sad, dreary, I in prison lie ! 
 My moaning, deep groaning, surely must discover me 
 To some kind gentleman who may be passing by. 
 Clink, clink a clink a clink ; I clank my chains in 
 madness : 
 Tink, tink a tink a tink, and in despair I sing ; 
 Wink, wink a wink a wink ; I cannot sleep for 
 
 sadness, 
 Tink, tink a tink a tink ; while thus my hands I 
 wring. 
 
 Together — Queen of Hearts. 
 
 Tink, tink a tink tink ; indeed I'm very melancholy ; 
 Tink, tink a tink tink ; though thus I dance and sing. 
 
 King of Clubs and Pam. 
 
 Tink, tink a tink tink ; indeed she's very melancholy. 
 
 i I've ) 
 Tink, tink a tink tink ; of her woes ) , , ^ touched the 
 ' , ■ ' ( he s ) 
 
 strmg. 
 
 K. OF C. That voice ! 
 Q. OF H. And that ! 
 K. OF C. 'Tis she ! 
 Q. OF H. 'Tis he ! 
 K. OF C. Yes. 
 Q. OF H. No. 
 K. OF C. It is ! 
 Q. OF H. It cannot be ! 
 
 Hold still, my heart ! 
 
 It is the King of Clubs ; I met him oft 
 
 At the saioH in Paris. He had then 
 
 Just reached his natural vingt-un. Ah me !
 
 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 135 
 
 K. OF C. She speaks ! Ah, speak again \ and " by the 
 card 
 
 Equivocation would undo us ! " say, 
 
 Canst thou, and wilt thou, fly with me alone ? 
 
 Or must I make a general to-do. 
 
 And with a conquering Pam-flush sweep the board ? 
 Q. OF H. Alack, I'm limited to these sad walls, 
 
 And you can't play so high. 
 K. OF C. I'll play the deuce 
 
 But I will win thee ! — Is there not a cavern 
 
 Beneath this tower ? 
 Q. OF H. I don't exactly know. 
 
 But rather am inclined to think there is. 
 K. OF C. Enough ! At eight to-night I'll through it lead 
 
 Some chosen hearts, and force the King of Spades 
 
 To give thee freedom ! That I swear to do, 
 
 Or " go up one life" in the great attempt. 
 Q. OF H. That's what I call a trump. Propitious fate ! 
 
 Good day, good knight ; and mind you call at eight. 
 K. OF C. Oh, sink your doubts, nor to your sighs give way. 
 
 I'll cater for your good, and ne'er httray. 
 
 Air — King — '■'■ Had I a heart, ^^ ^'c. 
 
 The Knave of Hearts, for falsehood framed, 
 
 Alone could injure you ; 
 Believe me, I should feel ashamed 
 
 To cheat a Queen so true. 
 Go, lady, to St. James'-street, 
 
 At White's or Brookes' ring, 
 A friend in ev'ry Club you'll meet, 
 A lover in their King ! 
 Q. OF H. I'll doubt no more ; till eight, dear love, adieu, 
 And I'll believe thee, like thy beard, true-blue. 
 
 {Exit Quekn) 
 
 K. OF C. {to Pam) Go, summon up my stoutest clubs to 
 handle 
 These spades as they deserve, and let the hearts 
 That have escaped the fray come bounding now 
 Around the standard of their injured Queen. 
 
 Enter Clubs and Hearts, with standards, o^r.
 
 136 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 
 
 Air — King of Clubs — " Scots wha ha'e.'" 
 
 Hearts that have for freedom bled, 
 Clubs that I have often led, 
 Welcome suits both black and red, 
 
 Up for victory ! 
 Now's the time, and now's the hour, 
 See of spades the sable show'r. 
 Playing "Brag," while in their power 
 
 Tricks and knavery. 
 Who would spare a traitor knave ? 
 Who would call on Pope to save ? 
 Lest a spade should dig his grave, 
 
 Let him cut and flee : 
 Who for Hearts' fair Queen and Pam, 
 
 Caring not for spades a d n 
 
 Will lose the rub or win the slam ! 
 Let him on with me ! 
 
 {Exit King of Clubs) 
 Pam. Cards !— Face 1— Shuffle and Cut ! {Exeunt) 
 
 Scene Six. — hiterior of Prison, as before. 
 
 The Queen of Hearts discovered. 
 
 Q. OF H. Was ever card so kept upon the rack 
 As I am ? How long must I here remain 
 To play at Patience by myself? Alack ! 
 The King of Clubs ! Where sticks he by the way ? 
 Sure time has grown club-footed, it doth limp 
 So tardily along. He said he'd call 
 At eight ; and see, the turret clock is just 
 About to score it. Strike, O clock ! strike hard ; 
 Knock down the spades by which I'm double guarded. 
 And lead up to the Queen. 
 
 ^;V_ Queen—" Gavotte de Vestris." 
 
 " I can't get out." 
 (I quote the words of Yorick's starling.) 
 
 " I can't get out," 
 So Sterne-ly here I sing.
 
 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 137 
 
 King of Spades is cruel, 
 Keeps me without fuel, 
 Gives me water gruel : 
 Kill him in a duel, 
 King of Clubs, do — there's a jewel. 
 " I can't get out." 
 Strike, strike, O clock ; 
 As yet you've only struck three quarters ; 
 
 Strike, strike, O clock; 
 One more will make a whole. 
 
 Soon that King, provoking, 
 His nose here'll be poking, 
 If I cry out "Woah ! King," 
 He'll pretend I'm joking. 
 To protect me now I've no King. 
 
 Strike, strike, O clock. 
 
 {\st verse repeated) 
 
 {To the slow pari) 
 
 Unless he his promise breaks, 
 He'll come in a brace of skakes. 
 
 {Clock strikes to " Haydiis " (and the Queen's) " surprise " — 
 Flourish without — The wall of the Prison is knocked in 
 — Enter the King of Clubs. 
 
 Q. OF H. Methought I heard a noise. 
 K. OF C. {advancing) If you did not. 
 
 Sweetheart, you must be very deaf indeed. 
 Q. OF H. What do I see ? Ah, liberty ; I'm out ! 
 K. of C. You shall be by a hole. The enemy 
 
 Give in at my first show. The King and Queen 
 
 Of Spades are i)risoners. Clubs are trumps this 
 
 round. 
 And Hearts shall be the next ! What news with 
 you ? 
 
 {To Pam, 7vho enters hastily) 
 
 Pam. My liege, the Knave of Hearts defies your Majesty 
 
 To single combat and at single stick. 
 K. of C. We do accept his challenge. Tell the Knave 
 
 We'll beat him out of doors !
 
 138 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 
 
 Z>t(o— Queen of Hearts and King of Clubs— Erom 
 
 " Taticrediy 
 
 Clubs shall the trump be ! The scamp O, shall decamp O, 
 Off he shall tramp O— While laughter roars. 
 
 Be not afraid O ! ( I've ] quelled the spade O. 
 I'm not. ( He's ) 
 
 And soon this rebel j ^^^^ j beat out o'doors. 
 
 The saucy knave, he 
 
 Shall cry peccavi ! 
 And on his marrow bones play at all fours. 
 
 He ! He ! 
 Shall on his marrow bones play at all fours. {Exeunt) 
 
 Scene Seven.— 77/^ Court Yard of the Palace— Grand March 
 from "■ Eaust" — Entree of Clubs, Hearts, d-r., ivith the 
 King arid Queen of Spades, and others of their suite, 
 prisoners ; Pam, the Queen and Knave of Hearts. 
 
 Kn. of H. What says the oracle ? We sent to ask 
 
 Which party should prevail. 
 Pam. Sir Knave, the oracle 
 
 Has answered, " Cherry colour." 
 Kn. of H. Cherry colour ! 
 
 Victoria ! That's our own ! I do remember 
 
 The Ghost did also say that red should win ! 
 
 I'll take the Ghost's word for a thousand pounds. 
 
 Courage, my heart ! Trump out ! {trumpet soimds) 
 
 Again ! again ! {trumpet is answered) 
 
 Enter the King of Clubs. 
 
 K. of C. Of one or both of us the time is come. 
 
 Kn. of H. With all my heart ; but 'tis your suit will 
 fail; 
 I bear a charmed life ! The oracle 
 Has said that cherry colour shall prevail.
 
 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 139 
 
 K. OF C. Despair thy charm ! 
 
 And let the demon thou so long hast served 
 
 Tell thee, false knave, that there are cherries black 
 
 As well as cherries red ! 
 
 Kn. of H. Accursed be the tongue that tells me so, 
 And ditto ditto to the juggling fiends 
 That keep the word of promise to our ear. 
 And break it to our hope. Lay on, great Club ! 
 
 K. OF C. My crown and sceptre both upon the rub. 
 
 {flourish — they fight) 
 
 K. OF C. {hitting him on the head) One for his nob ! {trips 
 him up) Two for his heels ! 
 
 Kn. of H. I'm low ! 
 
 K. of C. I'm high ! 
 
 Kn. of H. I'm Jack ! 
 
 K. of C. And I the game ! 
 
 Laugh and lay down your cares, fair Queen of Hearts, 
 The pool is yours ! 
 
 Q. of H. It looks a rich one ! — Have you all put in ? 
 And are you all content that I should win ? 
 I dressed the board in trembling and in fear. 
 For even Pope might fail to save me here. 
 Mine is a ticklish game of speculation, 
 And I but play to gain your approbation. 
 Oh ! on this point pray let it be decided : 
 I trust your honours will not be divided. 
 Come, let me see your hands — I hope you're strong 
 In hearts for me, and mean to hold them long. 
 Ye, who subscribe to all the clubs in town. 
 Will scarce club up to put my poor club down : 
 Ye, who have left your counters for my shop. 
 Say, will ye make the Queen of Hearts a stop ? 
 Don't put out hastily a pair of Bards, 
 But deal with them and me for " Playing Cards." 
 
 {to the Orchestra) 
 Our new Olympic Game, thus safe from ill. 
 We'll draw for partners and have one quadrille, 
 The Beaten Knave shall on the fiddle play, 
 And call the figure which we cut to-day. 
 
 The Ace of Spades produces a violin and bow from
 
 I40 HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME. 
 
 his Chancellor's bag, and hands them to the Knave of 
 Hearts. 
 
 Kn. of H. {moimtwg a seat) '■'■ E71 place r'' Hart's New 
 Set ! 
 
 The King of Clubs leads out the Queen of Hearts — 
 the King of Spades, his onm royal part7ier — the 
 Knave of Spades, a Maid of Honour — and Pam, the 
 Deuce. 
 
 Quadrille. 
 
 Kn. of H. (calling the figures in the folloim'ng order:) 
 " Matrimony," — " Intrigue," — " Pani Seul,"— 
 " Pool,"—" Game." 
 
 {and the curtain falls on a general shuffle by the ivhole 
 
 pack) 
 
 CURTAIN.
 
 THE DEEP DEEP SEA; 
 
 OR, 
 
 PERSEUS AND ANDROMEDA; 
 
 AN 
 
 Original Mythological^ Aquatic, Equestrian Biirletta 
 
 IN ONE ACT. 
 
 First performed at the Royal Olympic Theatre, on Thursday, 
 December 26, 1833.
 
 L ^43 1 
 
 THE DEEP DEEP SEA; 
 
 OR, 
 
 PERSEUS AND ANDROMEDA. 
 
 I have nothing to observe in the way of preface to this 
 fourth classical " Olympic Game," except that it was played 
 with the same skill, produced with the same care, and 
 crowned with the same success as its predecessors, and that 
 James Vining, a pleasant light comedian, one of a large 
 family of deservedly popular actors, was included in the 
 cast, and continued in Madame Vestris' company to the 
 termination of her lesseeship at Covent Garden.
 
 THE DEEP DEEP SEA. 
 
 145 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS. 
 
 IMMORTALS. 
 
 Mr. J. Bland 
 Mr. Huggins 
 Master Fenton 
 Miss Ferguson 
 Miss Ireland 
 
 Neptune (Captain of " The Ocean ") ... 
 
 Triton (his First Lieutenant) 
 
 Ditto (of the Minnows, or Middies) 
 Amphitrite (the Captain's Lady) 
 Minerva ... 
 
 Nereidis (a fair sample of the Sisterhood so called — Ladies who 
 
 (mirabile dicln !) candidly owned to being fifty : — Mesdames Nicholson, 
 
 Tully ; Misses Crawford, Norman, Greener, Harrington, H. Ireland, 
 
 Melbourne, and Goward. 
 
 " Ut simt divoriim. Mars, Bacchus, Apollo,''' &c., Messrs. Dowsing, 
 Tully, Hitchinson, Fry, Griffin, Eaton, &c. 
 
 A shoal of Tritons, and other Odd Fish, by the rest of the Company. 
 
 MORTALS. 
 
 Cepheus (King of Ethiopia — a wery fair Monarch, 
 considering) 
 
 Phineus (his Brother — in love with Andromeda)... 
 
 Perseus (Son of Jupiter and Danae — ditto with 
 ditto) 
 
 Attendant 
 
 Cassiope (the /«?> Queen of Ethiopia) ... 
 
 Andromeda (Daughter of Cepheus and Cassiope, 
 iwnnd to her Uncle and chained to a Rock, but 
 attached X.oVQX%t\x'i) 
 
 The Black Cook of The Ocean (a "white- 
 livered runagate") 
 
 The Great American Sea Serpent (a Yankee- 
 Doodle coine to Town — "half man," with a 
 Sea-%2ci in his mouth — "half horse," with an 
 azure mane — and "half alligator" with an 
 endless tale) 
 
 Pegasus, by a Real Pony — "Auspice 
 Priests of Jupiter, Soldiers, &c. 
 
 Mr. Mason 
 Mr. Wyman 
 
 Madame Vestris 
 Mr. James 
 Mrs. Knight 
 
 Miss Fitzwalter 
 Mr. Ireland 
 
 Mr. James Vining 
 Ducrow." 
 
 The &fl-nery by Mr. Gordon. 
 
 The Weeds by Miss Ireland, Miss Glover, and Assistants. 
 
 The Marine Stores by Mr. Blamire. The Machines by Mr. Mackintosh. 
 
 The Sea Breezes and other Airs, jm-lectcd by the Authors, and 
 arranged by Mr. Tully. 
 
 In the Overture will be introduced Handel's celebrated "Water Piece."
 
 146 THE DEEP DEEP SEA. 
 
 PROGRAMME OF THE SCENERY. 
 
 THE MARINE VILLA OF NEPTUNE. 
 
 " Where the water spirits rove, 
 
 In the deep deep sea." — Popular Ballad. 
 
 HALL IN THE PALACE OF KING CEPHEUS. 
 
 Overlooking the " deep deep Sea." 
 
 " Oh for a horse with wings." — Shakespeare. 
 
 FIG TREE COURT, TEMPLE— OF JUPITER AMMON, 
 
 With a drop of the " deep deep Sea." 
 
 " Water parted from the Sea, 
 
 To the Sea again will rove." — Dr. Arne. 
 
 COAST OF ETHIOPIA, 
 
 And Insulated Rock in the " deep deep Sea." 
 
 Rescue of Andromeda from the Sea Serpent, by Perseus. 
 
 " We've scotched the snake, not kill'd it." — Shakespeare. 
 
 MARBLE GROUPE, FROM THE ANTIQUE. 
 
 Annual General Meeting of the Gods and Goddesses, 
 "JOVE IN THE CHAIR." 
 And an end of everything — save the Sea Serpent.
 
 [ M7] 
 
 THE DEEP DEEP SEA; 
 
 OR, 
 
 PERSEUS AND ANDROMEDA. 
 
 Scene First. — The submarine Villa of Neptune — Neptune 
 discm^ered asleep — Tritons, &c., in attendance. 
 
 Chorus of Tritons — '■'■Peaceful sluniVritig.''^ 
 
 Peaceful slumb'ring in the ocean, 
 
 Nep his nap is taking nigh ; 
 Cease, ye winds, your rude commotion, 
 
 While we sing his lullaby, 
 
 Lullaby ! lullaby ! 
 
 Nep. {aiuaking) Avast ! Belay there ! Stow your jawing 
 gear. 
 Ye noisy swabs ! Is that the way you steer? 
 Shiver my timbers, ha'n't I just turned in ? 
 And must I be disturbed by all this din ! 
 Just as my wife and ev'ry mother's daughter, 
 Of all the babbling craft that haunt salt water. 
 Have borne uj) for the straits of Babelmandel, 
 And gone ashore to sip tea and talk scandal ; 
 And I had hoped to get a moment's quiet, 
 You must be making this infernal riot ! 
 
 Trit. It ar'n't our making, an' your honour pleases ; 
 
 It's them there winds that kick up these here breezes ; 
 They blows all ways at once, and never cares, 
 And so we thought with our stjualls to drown theirs. 
 
 Nep. Main-top ! 
 
 I. 2
 
 148 THE DEEP DEEP SEA; OP, 
 
 BOR. {aloft, but invisible) Ay, ay, sir ! 
 
 Nep. Stop that noisy mirth. 
 
 And when you see your captain in his berth. 
 Don't bother him to death in that rough slang way. 
 Or you shall have a dozen at the gang way. 
 So now to sleep, Lieutenant Triton ! 
 
 Trit. Your honour ! 
 
 Nep, You are what I call a tight'un. 
 
 You take the watch. I want a cosy snore — 
 Call nie when I call you, and not before. 
 
 ^/^'—Neptune — " The deep deep sea,'' C. Honi, 
 
 A quiet nap I love, 
 
 When my wife's gone out to tea ; 
 With Morpheus hand and glove 
 
 In the deep deep sea. 
 
 For repose she's made so rare, 
 
 In the cabin of the deep, 
 That my nightcap, I declare, 
 
 I'had better sell than keep. 
 Don't you think it's rather hard 
 
 That the king of ocean's tide 
 From rest should be debarr'd, 
 
 By his chattering, clattering bride ? 
 A quiet nap I love, &c. 
 
 [goes to sleep again) 
 
 Trit. Fast as a church. You heard, lads, what he said. 
 
 Now no palaver. Let him be obeyed. 
 
 Our captain is a good'un in the 7nai?i, 
 
 So don't you make that thund'ring row again. 
 BoR, A strange sail on the weather bow ! 
 Trit. Hollo ! 
 
 Pass the glass forward ! A strange sail ! Why no — 
 
 As sure as Neptune's monarch of the seas, 
 
 The Amphitrite and Nereides ! 
 
 Ay, the whole fifty sail— brig, sloop, and smack ! 
 
 Which of you winds have blown 'em so soon back ?
 
 PERSEUS AND ANDROMEDA. 149 
 
 Music — Enter Amphitrite and the Nereides. 
 
 Nereides, [^^^^"g^ ' Revenge! 
 
 Nep. (starting 2ip) Again this cursed clatter ! 
 
 Heyday ! my wife returned ! Why, what's the matter ? 
 Amph. The jade ! — the minx ! — the creature !— to en- 
 deavour — 
 Oh, ladies ! Did you ever ? 
 All the Nereides. No ; we never ! 
 
 Nep. What ails the women ? Have they lost their wits ? 
 Amph. \Vhere's my rock salts ? I'm going into fits ! 
 
 (Jaints — Nereides siirrowid her) 
 Nep. Haul off, and give her sea-room ! Don't crowd round 
 her. 
 She'll right with the flood tide. I've often found her 
 As queer as this when she's been out to parties. 
 I'll fire a shot shall bring her to, my hearties. 
 WTiat cheer, ho ! 
 
 (J)a7vHng through a speaking trumpet at her) 
 
 Amph. {starting) Ugh, you gTcat sea-brute ! What cheer ? 
 
 I've been abused — insulted, sir — d'ye hear ! 
 
 I and these ladies — and your sister Juno. 
 
 I don't know what you'll say • but this I do know, 
 
 If you have got the spirit of a mouse 
 
 You will revenge this insult on our house ! 
 Nep. Revenge ! but who affronted you, and how? 
 
 Crack on at once, and tell us what's the row. 
 
 Concerted Piece — " Sir, these soldiers." 
 " Barber of Seville." 
 
 Amph. Sir, that creature has abused me. 
 
 Like a very dog she used me ; 
 Like a dog ! like a dog ! 
 Like a very dog she's used me ! 
 
 1ST Nereid. Queen Cassiope's the cause, sir ! 
 Of this riot and this noise, sir. 
 
 She's the cause, &c. 
 
 Trit. While together thus they chatter, 
 
 Who can tell what is the matter ? 
 Who can tell, &c.
 
 I50 THE DEEP DEEP SEA ; OR, 
 
 2ND Nereid. Sir, that Queen, so pert and flighty. 
 Scoffed at us and Amphitrite. 
 
 Scoffed at us, &c. 
 
 All the rest. Pray, sir, must we be thus slighted ; 
 Won't you see your subjects righted ? 
 Won't you see, &c. 
 
 Nep. Silence ! I hear ye ! 
 
 Are ye tipsy ? Are ye tipsy ? 
 
 Peace, you gipsy ! Peace, I say. 
 Trit. Sure she's tipsy ! Silence, pray. 
 
 Amph. Am I tipsy? Ladies, say. 
 
 All. What confusion ! With the dinning 
 
 Round the giddy waves are spinning ; 
 No one ending ; all beginning. 
 Ocean's self in clamour drown'd ! 
 
 Amph. Well, then, you know, we went out to drink tea. 
 With Ethiopia's Queen, Cassiope, 
 And nought occurred to mar our recreation 
 Until by accident the conversation 
 Turned upon beauty ; when that swarthy creature 
 Dared to compare herself in form and feature 
 To me and the Nereides ! Compare her- 
 Self did I say ? She vowed that she was fairer ! 
 Fairer than us, or the great queen of Jove, 
 The ox-eyed Juno ! 
 
 Nep. Well, what then, my love ? 
 
 Amph. What then ! O Gemini ! He says, "what then ! "^ 
 Why, what the deuce has come to all the men ? 
 Have you no gall — no spirit ? Hear your wife 
 And sister thus defamed ! 
 
 Nep. My precious life ! 
 
 What would you have me do ? If Juno flies out, 
 As she is wont, she'll tear the woman's eyes out ; 
 And there's an end of that. 
 
 Amph, Indeed ! D'ye think 
 
 I couldn't have done that myself? Don't wink 
 At your sea-hogs there ! Don't make me your jest. 
 But give me vengeance ! Vengeance, sir. You'd 
 best
 
 PERSEUS AND ANDROMEDA. 151 
 
 Or I will make the sea too hot to hold you, 
 And then you'll wish you'd acted as I told you. 
 Nep. Well ! well ! Be calm, {aside) 'Twill never do to 
 thwart her. 
 {aloud) What must I do to keep out of hot water ? 
 \\Tiat vengeance will content you for a word 
 Carelessly spoken ? Come, don't be absurd ; 
 Say what and on whose head it must be hurled ? 
 Amph. I'm not particular — drown all the world ! 
 Annihilate all creatures made of clay ; 
 Wash the great globe of earth itself away, 
 And that will do at present. No black looks ! 
 " Do it ! Nor leave the task to me !" 
 Nep. {aside) Od's zooks ! 
 
 Stand by your topsail halyards ! Here's a shrew ! 
 {aloud) Drown all the world ! Won't a few king- 
 doms do ? 
 Or just one quarter ? 
 Am PH. No ! I'll grant no quarter 
 
 To any — lay the whole four under water ! 
 Nep. Then if I do, I do ; but if I do 
 
 May I be — hanged. So now, ma'am ! That's for 
 
 you ! 
 Do as you please ; wash all away you dare. 
 I wash my hands, mind, of the whole affair. 
 Am PH. Well, then, here goes, {snatches Ids tridefit) 'Tis 
 Amphitrite speaks 
 In Neptune's name ! Blow, winds, and crack your 
 
 cheeks ! 
 Rage ! blow ! Ye cataracts and hurricanoes. 
 Spout till the ocean neither bound nor stay knows, 
 But breaking over all 'twixt earth and sky, 
 Leaves nothing but Olympus high and dry 1 
 
 Air afid Chorus — Amphitrite, Nereides, a?id Tritons — 
 '■^ No?i piu inesta " — " Ce?iere?itola." 
 
 Let the lightning flash and the thunder roll, 
 And the ocean rise like winking ! 
 Till it break the banks from pole to pole, 
 And make each fund a sinking !
 
 152 THE DEEP DEEP SEA; OR, 
 
 Set the mighty storm a brewing. 
 Heavy wet — till all's blue ruin ! 
 Let the lightning, &c., 
 
 Thunder and lightning, storm, &^c.—E7iter the Black Cook 
 
 of The Ocean. 
 
 Cook. Help ! murder ! massa captain ; only look ! 
 Nep. Look ! Look at what ? You son of a sea cook ! 
 
 Hast seen the Phantom Ship or Flying Dutchman ? 
 Cook. No, massa ! Nebber see him any such man. 
 
 Him sarpent ! — dan a tousand cable bigger ! 
 Amph. a serpent ! 
 
 Music — Serpent appears above. 
 
 Ser. I say ! You eternal nigger ! 
 
 Your boiler must have burst, I calculate, 
 
 To stir the sea up at this mortal rate — 
 
 You've made me figure in tarnation attitudes ; 
 
 I've lost my way, I swear, in these strange latitudes ! 
 
 (desce7ids) 
 Amph. You give yourself strange latitude of speech, 
 
 And for your longitude — Gods ! what a reach 
 
 It makes ! I ne'er beheld a snake so lanky ! 
 Nep. Sir, by your accent you should be a Yankee. 
 Ser. {adva?icing) Guess I am, stranger. A United 
 Stater ! 
 
 Half man, half horse, and half an alligator. 
 Nep. I ought to be no stranger, sir, to you ; 
 
 My name is Neptune. 
 Ser. Mister ! How d'ye do ? 
 
 I've heard of you before. 
 Nep. And now your name 
 
 And purpose, — whither bound, and whence you came ? 
 Ser. Neptune, I shan't say no when you say yes ; 
 
 My tale's a mortal long one, though, I guess. 
 
 So long you'll hardly stop while I unfold it ; 
 
 But you may hear, although you can't behold it. 
 
 All bones but yours will rattle when I say, 
 
 I am the sea serpent from America. 
 
 Mayhap you've heard that I've been round the world ; 
 
 I guess I'm round it now, mister, twice curled.
 
 FERSEUS AND ANDROMEDA. 153 
 
 Dy'e call that nothing ? Don't think me a 
 
 dreamer. 
 Listen — you'll find I'm nothing but a screamer ! 
 Of all the monsters through the deep that splash, 
 I'm " number one " all to immortal smash. 
 When I lie down, and would my length unroll, 
 There arn"t half room enough 'twixt pole and pole. 
 In short, I grow so long, that I've a notion 
 I must be measured soon for a new ocean. 
 Then I swim faster — dive deeper— stand higher — 
 Stay longer under water — come up drier — 
 Eat more — drink more — do more — do less or either ; 
 Sometimes one — sometimes both — and sometimes 
 
 neither ! 
 In short, again, as I've my jawing tacks on, 
 I outrank Washington and General Jackson, 
 Paul Jones and Quintius Curtius — I'm a teaser — 
 I'm rich as cream, and brave as Julius Caesar. 
 To model me at one inch to a mile, 
 I'll tell you what 'twould take — I guess you'll smile — 
 Something that's longer far than anything, 
 And a tarnation quantity of string — 
 Ten thousand cables — twenty thousand men — 
 Canvas from here to there, and back again. 
 'Twould take all these thrice multipHed by two ; 
 And when you'd took 'em all — it wouldn't do. 
 
 Nep. It wouldn't ! I can tell you, though, what would. 
 
 Ser. Well, what ? 
 
 Nep. The yarns you spin. 
 
 Ser. Oh, yes, that's good ! 
 
 Now listen, mister. — 'Bout this time last year, 
 As I was dozing handsome off Cape Clear, 
 A galley laden with the Golden Fleece, 
 Bore down upon my beam, as slick as grease. 
 I guess the captain thought me a first rater ! 
 He took me for the visible equator. 
 Well- — he made sail of sixteen weeks, to see 
 If there was any end at all to me ; 
 And finding neither head nor stern to double, • 
 Alter'd his course, and took no further trouble. 
 
 AjMPH. a thought ! — Make signals to cease firing there ! 
 Haul down the waves and brail the clouds up fair ;
 
 154 THE DEEP DEEP SEA; OR, 
 
 I've hit on a revenge that's far more savage. 
 
 This monster shall the coast of Afric ravage. 
 
 Say ! canst thou swallow millions — — 
 Ser. What of — treasure ? 
 
 Amph. No, mortal creatures. 
 Ser. Oh, yes, with great pleasure ; 
 
 My bread-room's cruel empty ! 
 Amph. Then away ! 
 
 Eat every living thing till I cry stay. 
 Ser. Look sharp, then, or, to speak in moderation, 
 
 Swamp me, if I shan't swallow all creation ! 
 
 Duet and Chorus — Serpent, Amphitrite, &c. — " Yankee 
 
 Doodkr 
 
 Amph. Yankee Doodle ! munch 'em down, 
 
 Fat and lean and bony, 
 Ser. I can swallow human kind, 
 
 As fast as macaroni. 
 Mister (to Neptune), now, upon my soul, 
 
 It's true as any rifle ; 
 Only you ask uncle Ben, 
 
 Who owes me that 'ere trifle. 
 
 Amph. Yankee Doodle ! munch 'em up, 
 Ser. Since for me you cater ; 
 
 See if I ain't half a horse. 
 And half an alligator. 
 
 Chorus. Yankee Doodle ! munch 'em up, 
 Yankee Doodle Dandy! 
 Breakfast, lunch, and dine and sup, 
 And with your jaws be handy. 
 
 Exeunt Omnes — the Serpent leading Amphitrite — tJic 
 scene do si fig on " the awjiil tale."
 
 PERSEUS AND ANDROMEDA. 155 
 
 Scene Second. — Hall in the Palace of King Ccpheus. Arck 
 in centre, closed i7i by rich ciaiains. 
 
 Enter King Cepheus, Queen Cassiope, and 
 Andromeda. 
 
 King. Don't talk to me ! Prepare to go to church 
 
 With Phineus insta7iter. 
 Andro. {aside) In the lurch, 
 
 I'll leave him at the door. 
 King. What's that you mutter ? 
 
 Queen. Weak girl ! to quarrel with your bread and 
 
 butter. 
 Andro. He's not my bread and butter. 
 Queen. You're his toast, 
 
 And suit him to a T. 
 Andro. A mighty boast ! 
 
 I'd rather wed a hippopotamus. 
 King. You'd rather wed a hippo — 7vliat amus? 
 
 My duck, d'ye hear that goose ? Romantic fool ! 
 
 She's picked these notions up at boarding school. 
 
 Enter an Attendant. 
 
 Attend. One, Captain Perseus, of the First Winged 
 Horse, 
 
 Requests an audience of the King. 
 King. Of course. 
 
 Some mere adventurer who wants a dinner. 
 
 Well, shew him in. {the cut-tains at back open) 
 
 Andro. {aside) 'Tis he, as I'm a sinner ! 
 
 The very man who, at the Lord Mayor's ball, 
 
 I danced with. 
 King. Zounds, he's coming, horse and all ! 
 
 Music — Enter Perseus monnted on Pegasus and bearing 
 the head of Medusa in a rich velvet bag. 
 
 Air — Perseus — {Nursery Ballad) — "-Ride a Cock-horse?^ 
 
 Ride a wing'd horse, 
 The country across, 
 I've killed an old woman, 
 I'oth ugly and cross ;
 
 156 THE DEEP DEEP SEA; OR, 
 
 Ringlets of vipers hung down to her toes ; 
 Her name was Medusa, as all the world knows. 
 
 King. Is the man mad ! to come in with his beast ! 
 
 Your pony might have scraped his shoes at least. 
 Per. On horseback, sir, I make my salutation, 
 
 Like the king's champion at the coronation ; 
 
 But if you mean to make a broil the end on't, 
 
 I shan't back out like him, you may depend on't. 
 King, {aside) As hot as mustard ! {aloud) Sir, I say 
 
 again 
 
 Per. I shan't apologise, but I'll explain. 
 
 Provided you are not so high and mighty. 
 
 My horse is like myself, a little flighty ; 
 
 I tried to rein him up, sir, in the lobby. 
 
 But when a man once gets upon his hobby, 
 
 It's rather difficult, you know, to stop him ; 
 
 And mine, unless, sir, of his wings you'd lop him, 
 
 Is very likely in a mood ecstatic. 
 
 To gallop right up stairs into your attic. 
 
 But there — {dismounting) your groom may take him, if 
 he wishes. {Exit Attendant, with horse) 
 
 While I report — {sees Andromeda) Ye gods and little 
 fishes ! 
 
 What do I see ? 
 King Our daughter. 
 
 Per. Is she married ? 
 
 King. She is about to be. 
 Per. 'Tis well you tarried 
 
 Till my arrival. None but I must marry her — 
 
 Refuse, and, nolens volens, off I carry her. 
 Queen. She's to her uncle pledged. 
 Per. Uncle ! what then ? 
 
 I've pledged a thousand things to mine, and when 
 
 I wanted, I redeem'd them. Go and supplicate 
 
 Your uncle, love ; tell him I have your duplicate 
 
 Here in my heart, and ready am to pay 
 
 The tender interest to this very day. 
 
 O, cruel fortune ! must the hopes that we 
 
 Saw born at one ball be destroyed by three.
 
 PERSEUS AND ANDROMEDA. 157 
 
 Air — Perseus — " We tnet! "'twas i?i a crowd,'^ Haynes 
 
 Bayly. 
 
 We met ! 'twas at the ball, 
 
 Upon last Easter Monday ; 
 I press'd you to be mine, 
 
 And you said, " Perhaps, one day." 
 I danced with you the whole 
 
 Of that night, and you only ; 
 Ah, ne'er " Cavalier seiiV 
 
 Felt more wretched and lonely. 
 For when I squeezed your hand, 
 
 As we turned one another. 
 You frowned, and said " Have done \ 
 
 Or I'll speak to my mother ! " 
 
 They called the Spanish dance, 
 
 And we flew through it fleetly — 
 'Twas o'er — I could not breathe. 
 
 For you'd blown me completely. 
 I led you to a seat 
 
 Far away from the dancers ; 
 Quadrilles again began, 
 
 They were playing " the Lancers ; " 
 Again I squeezed your hand. 
 
 And my anguish to smother, 
 You smiled and said " Dear sir, 
 
 You may speak to my mother." 
 
 King. All this is mighty fine, upon my honour. 
 But who are you, to set your heart upon her ? 
 A half-pay captain hope to be thus matched ! 
 
 Per. Half-pay, perhaps — but not, sir, miattached. 
 And for my birth and parentage — why I 
 Can boast a lineage than yours more high. 
 I am the son of Danae, by Jove 
 I am ! and though compelled by fate to rove 
 In quest of fame, I'll bet you any odds 
 There's no one more in favour with the gods ! 
 This helm, for instance (you ne'er saw a rarer),. 
 With power to make invisible the wearer,
 
 158 THE DEEP DEEP SEA; OR, 
 
 A present was from Pluto. Sage Minerva 
 Gave me this shield, for which I'll ever serve her ! 
 Hermes was kind enough to lend his wings, 
 With sundry other useful little things ; 
 Amongst the rest, this keen and crooked dagger, 
 With which I cut not only a great swagger, 
 But cropped the hair and head off of Medusa ; 
 Which was a pretty decent job to do, sir. 
 For, as 'tis well by every school-boy known. 
 Who looked her in the face was turned to stone. 
 So that one glance would make the daring elf 
 A lithographic portrait of himself 
 
 Queen. How did you find her out ? To her abode 
 I never yet knew one who knew the road. 
 
 Per. I made a morning call upon the Grai^e, 
 
 The sisters of Medusa — said, " How are ye ? " 
 
 Then took a chair, and talked about the weather, 
 
 Until they all three went to sleep together. 
 
 They're pretty creatures — have you ever seen 'em ? 
 
 They've got but one eye and one tooth between 'em ? 
 
 So that at dinner, it's a curious truth, 
 
 They're forced to help themselves, and pass the tooth. 
 
 As soon as I beheld them fast asleep. 
 
 This tooth I stole ; and fearing they might weep, 
 
 (No gentleman would make the ladies cry), 
 
 I took the liberty to take their eye. 
 
 " Give us our eye," they cried, " and our tooth, too, 
 
 sir." 
 "Tell me," said I, then, "where to find Medusa." 
 And so they did ; and so I said good-bye. 
 Flung 'em their tooth, and begged they'd mind their 
 eye. 
 
 King, And have you slain the witch ? 
 
 Per. I scorn to brag, 
 
 But there's the Gorgon's head, sir, in that bag! 
 Would you behold it, mighty monarch ? 
 
 King. What ! 
 
 Be turn'd to stone — I had much rather not. 
 {aside) Wife, we must mind this youth — he's got the 
 
 organ 
 Of head-cut-off-a-tiveness — we're no Gorgon ;
 
 PERSEUS AND ANDROMEDA. is<) 
 
 And he would make still shorter work of us. 
 
 What's to be done ? 
 Queen. Hush ! Don't you make a fuss ; 
 
 Say you'll consider — bid him stay and dine, 
 
 And pop a little poison in his wine ! 
 King. Amiable woman ! I approve your plan. 
 
 {aloud to Andromeda) You love him, miss ? 
 Andro. " The captain's a bold man." 
 
 King. And that means yes. Well, we must think upon't. 
 
 Perhaps, you'll stay and eat and drink upon't. 
 Per. You are too good. 
 King. But here comes Phineus. Mum ! 
 
 No word to him at present. 
 Per. Sir, I'm dumb. 
 
 Queen. Is he of your first meeting, pray, aware ? 
 Per. No mortal knows it — not e'en Lempriere ! 
 King, {looking out) " What haste looks through his eyes ! " 
 
 With fear they're quite full. 
 Andro. I'm certain something's happened very frightful. 
 
 Enter Phineus, Priests of Jupiter, and 
 Inhabitants. 
 
 Air — Phineus — French Air, from the Vaudeville of 
 " Froniotion." 
 
 Mighty monarch, stir your stumps as if Old Nick were 
 following ; 
 A serpent with an awful twist has landed on )our 
 shore ; 
 Our gallant soldiers, guns and all, by regiments he's 
 swallowing. 
 And munching up musicians and composers by the 
 score ! 
 Of counsel learned in the law but brief work he is 
 
 making — 
 Apothecaries just as they were pills, sir, he is taking ; 
 He snaps the parson right in two, as well as his ora- 
 tion ; 
 And ere the beadle bolts the door, he bolts the congre- 
 gation !
 
 i6o THE DEEP DEEP SEA ; OR, 
 
 Mighty monarch, stir your stumps, for court and 
 caravansery 
 Are emptied of inhabitants all crazy with affright, 
 
 The monster he is longer far than any suit in Chancery, 
 And beats tne Court of Aldermen, by chalks, for 
 appetite ! 
 King. What story of a cock and bull is here ? 
 Phin. a cock and bull ! Great king, whom all revere, 
 
 The story's of a serpent who is munching 
 
 Your subjects up like fun ! Just hear 'em crunching I 
 
 {noise without^ 
 Per. Like fun ! No doubt they think it very funny ; 
 
 Will none the reptile kill for love or money ? 
 Phin. No, all must die ; he's got a writ to end 'em. 
 
 A capias ad satisfaciendum. 
 Queen. For what offence ? Tell me, I do beseech ! 
 Phin. Your gracious Majesty's ungracious speech 
 
 'Gainst the Nereides and Juno. 
 Andro. Ah ! 
 
 I told you how 'twould be, you know, mamma I 
 Queen. Hold your tongue, miss. What if I ask their 
 
 pardon ? {to Phineus) 
 Phin, It won't avail your Majesty a farden. 
 
 Vain hope to stop the mouth that's fed by law, 
 
 There's nought can make that monster hold his 
 jaw ! 
 Per. I'll lock it so that he can't pick his teeth. 
 
 If I once draw this falchion from its sheath. 
 
 I'll pen a challenge, if you'll take the letter. 
 Phin. I take it I Thank you kindly ! I know better. 
 
 If you write notes to this " monstruni horrendum," 
 
 I recommend you by the post to send 'em. 
 Per. Well, you're a post. 
 Phin. If so, for him I'm no bit, 
 
 He'd soon turn my post into d^post obit. 
 Per. Poltroon ! But I will find a way to send it ; 
 
 He's broken the king's peace of mind and mend it 
 
 He shall ere dinner time, or I'll know why. 
 
 Order my Pegasus ! My one-horse fly ! 
 
 I'll dine with you, my love, if I'm alive, 
 
 {to Andromeda) 
 
 But don't you wait a moment after five.
 
 PERSEUS AND ANDROMEDA. i6i 
 
 Phin. {aside) His love ! False jade — the snake shall squeeze 
 her weasen, 
 For if she won't be mine, she shan't be his'n ! 
 {aloud) Come to the temple, sir ; our special pleadings 
 Perchance may move the court to stay proceedings. 
 
 Quintette and Chorus — Perseus, Andromeda, Cepheus, 
 Phineus, and Attendants, — Einale to Second Act of 
 " Gustavus III." 
 
 Per. O lady bright, dismiss your fright. 
 
 And trust to me, your own true knight ; 
 Soon this snake, I will make 
 Eat humble pie, and no mistake ! 
 In one good round, a beating sound, 
 I'll give the monster, I'll be bound. 
 And back to thee, with fondest hope, 
 Sweet girl ! I'll gallantly gallope. 
 
 All. This odd fish j ^^ \ 'ra port will stew 
 
 Like carp, and carve him like Carpue ; * 
 
 To roll him out | ^ ,jj | make no bones, 
 
 And send him straight to Davy Jones. 
 
 {Tableau — Sce7ie closes i?i) 
 
 Scene Third.— iv;?--/^^^ Court, rm//^— ^/Jupiter Ammon. 
 
 Enter Neptune. 
 
 Nep. Steady she goes ! Hold on ! It's pretty calmish 
 And yet, somehow, I always feel so qualmish 
 Ashore. My head can't stand the rolling motion 
 Of this old bluff-built earth — give me the ocean ! 
 That is, without its cjueen ; in all my life 
 I ne'er was sea-sick till I got a wife. 
 
 An eminent surgeon. 
 
 M
 
 1 62 THE DEEP DEEP SEA; OR, 
 
 Air — Neptune—" The Sea I The Sea ! " Chevalier. 
 
 'Tis she ! 'tis she ! who spoils the sea ; 
 
 The precious shrew ! a tongue hath she ! 
 
 Without a check, without a bound, 
 
 It runneth Uke mad the whole year round. 
 
 Complain it's too loud, and out she flies, 
 
 And like a sea-gull screams and cries ! 
 
 I rule the sea ! I rule the sea ! 
 
 But happy there I can never be. 
 
 I've the blues above, and the blues below, 
 
 And I can't get silence where'er I go. 
 
 If I try to snatch a wink of sleep, 
 
 A clatter still her tongue will keep. 
 
 Well ! to her vengeance I will be no party, 
 
 And so I've cut and run. What cheer, my hearty f 
 
 Eftter Perseus. 
 
 Per, What cheer ho ! {aside) By his hailing, this should be 
 
 Some rude and boisterous captain of the sea^ 
 
 Neptune ! as large as life. 
 Nep. What, nephew ! zounds ! 
 
 You here ? 
 Per. And you ! The ocean out of bounds ! 
 Nep. And you of spirits, too ; they're daily sinking, 
 
 That wife of mine will drive me, sir, to drinking. 
 Per. The ocean — dry ? 
 Nep. Don't joke — her conduct's scurvy^ 
 
 Last night she turned the sea all topsy turvy, — 
 
 Capsized the world, sir, nearly, with a squall, 
 
 For little — nay, in fact, for nought at all ; 
 
 And now she's sent a hungry snake ashore 
 
 With such a tail as ne'er was seen before, 
 
 Nor yet behind — to eat all he can see, 
 
 Because a woman was as vain as she ! 
 Per. But I have vowed that very snake to slay, 
 
 All for the sake of fair Andromeda ! 
 Nep. " Of fair Andromeda !" Oh, that's the way 
 
 The cat jumps, is it ?
 
 FEJiSEUS AND ANDROMEDA. 163 
 
 Per. Look ye ! here's my note. 
 
 Will you go stuff the challenge down his throat ? 
 Nep. With all my heart — {reading the superscription) 
 
 "To the sea serpent" — Oh, 
 
 He gets it, never fear — What's this ? — Hollo ! 
 
 " Please not to eat the bearer." Mighty pleasant ! 
 Per. Ha, ha ! That doesn't signify at present — 
 
 I thought to send it by some mortal stranger. 
 
 But as you take it, Neptune, there's no danger. 
 Nep. I wish that I could say as much for you. 
 Per. I'll mince this Yankee Doodle ! 
 Nep. " Doodle doo ! " 
 
 Duo — Perseus and Neptune — " Highly yove " — " Barber 
 
 of Seville" 
 
 Per. Mighty Jove ! whose golden showers 
 Once my mother, Daniie, blest ! 
 Shall this wretch, who all devours, 
 Eat the fair whom I love best? 
 
 Nep. Soon this monster Til be hailing ; 
 But, I say, my jolly dog ! 
 Ere I signal make for sailing, 
 Shan't we take a glass of grog ? 
 
 Both. To our cause, then, bumpers filling ! 
 
 Soon this monster \ ,,, i be killing. 
 
 Bravo I Bravo ! &c. 
 
 {Exit Neptune) 
 
 Enter King Cepheus. 
 
 King. O horror ! misery ! woe ! woe ! 
 
 Per. 'Tis plain 
 
 You call out " whoa " — to stop some load of pain. 
 
 What is it, may I ask ? 
 King. Oh, such a shock 
 
 To my paternal heart ! Chain'd to a rock, 
 
 Andromeda my daughter dear must be 
 
 The prey of this vile monster of the sea. 
 Per. The prey ! why, pray ? 
 
 M 2
 
 1 64 THE DEEP DEEP SEA; OP, 
 
 King. 'Cause Phineus' petition 
 
 To Jove is granted on that sole condition. 
 
 Per. Phineus ! the traitor ! he shall perish, rather 
 Than father such an act upon ;;/;- father ; 
 Depend upon't, he's bribed the priests of Ammon, 
 And hopes to save his bacon by their gammon. 
 Ah ! would you let your lovely daughter go a 
 Victim to this «;zfashionable boa ! 
 Run — fly — the dreadful sacrifice delay 
 Till my arrival. I will only stay 
 To sing a song — As opera heroes choose 
 Always to do, when they've no time to lose ! 
 
 {Exit Cepheus) 
 
 Recitative and Air — Perseus — " C> Patria"" — '-'• Ta7icredt.^^ 
 
 Recitative.* 
 
 Oh, pa ! try her. Won't you, my great papa, try her 
 
 Again, ere out you turn her 
 
 To tea with Pluto ! Oh, cara sposa ! 
 
 They yearn from me to part you ! 
 
 In quest of thy foe, I turn now my rein O ! 
 
 To mince you this snake ere anyone can say, " No." 
 
 Aria—" De Tanti Palpite^ 
 
 Oh ! shan't I palpitate ! 
 Oh ! won't it pain me ! 
 If I should be too late 
 My deary to see. 
 
 Quick let me fly ! 
 
 Ah, let me go ! 
 
 Soon, my Andro- 
 
 Meda, will I 
 
 Thy heart cheer, O ! 
 
 Oh ! moment, momentous ! 
 
 Tremendous ! portentous ! 
 
 Oh ! shan't I palpitate, &c. 
 
 * It is necessary to explain that the following words were not intended 
 to be read, but to sound in singing like those of the original Italian.
 
 PERSEUS AND ANDROMEDA. 165 
 
 Scene Fourth. — The Coast of Ethiopia — Andromeda is 
 discovered bound to a rock jutting into the sea — King 
 Cepheus, Queen Cassiope, the Priests of J^upiter, and 
 the few People left alive, grouped oti the shore i?i expectation 
 of the 7nonster. 
 
 Andro. Mamma ! papa ! I feel so faint. 
 
 ^^^- \ Dear daughter ! 
 
 Queen, j ° 
 
 Andro. Could you oblige me with a glass of water ? 
 
 Queen. The water here is brackish, if not salt, 
 
 Suppose you were to try a little malt ? 
 Andro. Well, since you press me, and my time grows 
 shorter, 
 
 I don't mind if I take a pint of porter. 
 Queen. I hasten to indulge my suffering child ! 
 Andro. One moment, dearest mother — draw it mild ! 
 
 Miisic — Queen goes oitt a?id returns with a goblet of stout. 
 
 Queen. I've brought you some of Barclay's double stout. 
 Andro. Is anybody coming — pray look out — 
 
 To save me from this Blue Beard of the deep ! 
 Queen. No ; I see nothing but a flock of sheep. 
 King. Nothing but sheep ! Then she's as dead as mutton. 
 Ser. {without) Prepare ! 
 
 King. I hear the voice of that sea-glutton. 
 
 Andro. A moment longer ! just to say one pray'r. 
 
 Is no one coming yet ? 
 Queen. Yes ! There ! 
 
 All. Where ? 
 
 Queen. There. 
 
 Ser. (withojit) Prepare ! I can't wait lofiger, that I swear ! 
 Andro. Ah, like a meteor streaming through the air — 
 
 Air — Andromeda — " Blue Beard." 
 
 I see him a-galloping ! I see him a-galloi)ing ! 
 
 I see him a-galloping o'er sea and shore. 
 
 Now faster galloping — now faster galloping ! 
 
 I never saw the like before. 
 {speakitig) Chorus, ladies ! 
 Chorus. I see him, &c
 
 1 66 THE DEEP DEEP SEA; OR, 
 
 Enter Perseus on the rock. 
 Per. I'm here. 
 
 Serpent appears in the sea. 
 
 Ser. And so am I ! Your servant, stranger. 
 
 I guess that you don't calculate your danger. 
 Per. This lady, sir, I say's engaged to me. 
 
 And shan't be eaten with impunity. 
 
 You got my challenge ! 
 Ser. Calculate I did. 
 
 Per. Hence ! Or accept it, and 1 11 quickly rid 
 
 The world of the worst plague that does infest it. 
 Ser. Call me what name you please, I can digest it. 
 Per. No insolence ! your latter end is nigh. 
 Ser. I guess it's too far off for you to spy ; 
 
 All nature couldn't with the naked eye ! 
 
 Touch me, and sure as I'm an alligator, 
 
 I'll make you drop me like a hot potater. 
 Per. For etiquette, of course, sir, you're a stickler. 
 Ser. Pretty considerable d — d particular ! 
 
 So don't look at me so slantendicular. 
 Per. Well, then, we'll measure weapons. 
 Ser. Mine's no trifle — 
 
 I've borrowed uncle Ben's eternal rifle, {produces it) 
 Per. a water-snake with fire-arms. 
 Ser. Oh, yes ! 
 
 You took me for a sword-fish, then, I guess ? 
 
 Oh, no ! 
 
 Neptune rises and whispers Perseus. 
 
 Nep. Fear nothing, he can only shew off ; 
 
 I've damped the priming, and the gun can't go off. 
 Per. Well, blaze away — I care not for your swagger ; 
 
 But if you miss me — tremble at my dagger. 
 
 Music — Serpent pulls the trigger, and the rifle jnisses 
 fire — Perseus rushes jipo?i him, and stabs him in the 
 shoulder. 
 
 Ser. I'm stumped right up ! But there's no use in crying, 
 My length will make me awful long a dying.
 
 PEJ^SEUS AND ANDROMEDA. 167 
 
 Guess you don't know that though you've killed my 
 
 head, 
 Ages will pass before my tail be dead. 
 Per. Go ! tell that story to the sub-marines ! 
 Nep. {jvho has unchaii.ed and brought forward Anpromeda 
 to Perseus) You are her husband \ {aside) would 
 you were my queen's ! 
 
 Enter Phineus a7id Soldiers. 
 
 Phin. Andromeda, alive ! and Perseus too ! 
 
 Rebellion ! friends ! run everybody through ! 
 King and his Party. Treason ! 
 
 Per. Be quiet ! {snatching the head of Medusa out of 
 his bag and presenting it to Phineus, &•€.) 
 there's for you, and you, sir ! [they are turned 
 into stone forming " a group from the 
 Atitique "J 
 I'd quite forgot the noddle of Medusa ! 
 They'll make a wedding present for my wife — 
 A group in marble — modelled from the life. 
 Hence, but take care that you don't meet Macadam, 
 
 he 
 Would pulverise the whole Antique Academy ! 
 
 Music— The group sinks — thunder. 
 
 Nep. Hark ! By the sky saluting, I should say 
 The flag-ship, Jupiter, was under weigh. 
 Ay ! Sure enough ! and by my ocean crown, 
 The whole celestial squadron, bearing down 
 Under a cloud of canvas, breasts the breakers ! 
 Top gallants, royals, sky-scrapers, moon-rakers ! 
 The Mercury, mail-packet, bearing letters — 
 The fire-ship, Pluto, used to burn his betters — 
 Well stored Minerva, put into commission 
 On every scientific expedition. 
 The Bacchus, fonder of the cup than race ; 
 The Dian, fastest sailer in the chase ; 
 The Venus, "transjwrt No. i," for tars ! 
 'Longside that first-rate man of war, the Mars !
 
 1 68 THE DEEP DEEP SEA; OR, 
 
 The Phoebus looking bright about the bows ; 
 The Juno who the lo beat at Corves ; 
 The Amphitrite, my catamaran ; 
 Built on the celebrated blow-up plan ! 
 
 During this speecli the various Deities ha%^e descended, and 
 appeared as described. 
 
 Per. I vow I'm highly honoured by this meeting ; 
 Your presence is my happiness completing. 
 Hermes, your sword, and thank you. Pluto, 
 
 there's 
 Your helmet. How are all our friends down 
 
 stairs ? 
 Madam {to Minerva), your ^gis back I beg you'll 
 
 take 
 And wear this head upon it for my sake, {fixing 
 
 Medusa^ s head up07i tJie shield) 
 MiN. But till you're sure you're master of the field 
 Wisdom would counsel you to keep the shield ; 
 The critic's dart may wound you yet — severely. 
 Per. Ah, my sage Mentor ! There you touch me nearly 1 
 Now comes my fit again ! The old appeal. 
 Your pulses, friends, once more I crave to feel ! 
 Perseus no more — how flutters now my oum ? 
 For, ah ! your suppliant away has thrown 
 Her manly courage with her manly part, 
 And comes with all the woman in her heart. 
 Say ! if the olive crow^n by right she claims, 
 Once more a victor in the Olympic Games. 
 You praised her air in the Olympic Revels, 
 You stood the fire of the Olympic Devils ; 
 On earth you patronised her Paphian Bower, 
 And now in water she has tried her power. 
 Four seasons, with success her zeal increasing, 
 She's studied all the elements of pleasing — 
 At home in each, for while to please you bent, 
 She feels she's always in her element. 
 When first she made a plunge, to land you brought 
 
 her. 
 Still lend a hand to keep her above water ; 
 And send her home — if 'tis no impropriety — 
 Again preserved by this " Humane Society."
 
 PERSEUS AND ANDROMEDA. 
 
 169 
 
 Per. 
 
 Chorus. 
 Nep. 
 
 Per. 
 
 Ser. 
 Chorus. 
 
 Finale—" The Deep Deep Sea." 
 
 O come, if mirth you love 
 Or feel at home avud, 
 AVTiere our merry spirits rove 
 In " the deep deep sea." 
 
 In " the deep deep sea," &c. 
 
 For the best of spirits here, 
 In oMx public house we keep ; 
 Though we do not charge you dear, 
 Pr'ythee, don't you hold us cheap. 
 
 Good entertainment, mind, 
 While I remain head-waiter — • 
 For man and horse you'll find — 
 And, I hope, for alligator 1 
 
 Then come, if mirth you love, 
 Or find at home emiid, 
 To our " Deep Deep Sea — " 
 To our " Deep Deep Sea." 
 
 CURTAIN.
 
 TELEMACHUS; 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE ISLAND OF CALYPSO; 
 
 A Classical and Mythological Extravaganza. 
 
 First performed at the Royal Olympic Theatre, under the management 
 of Madame Vestris, on Friday, December 26th, 1834.
 
 [ 173 1 
 
 TELEMACHUS; 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE ISLAND OF CALYPSO. 
 
 This was our fifth Christmas piece, and the first that we 
 were enabled to announce as an extravaganza without ap- 
 pending to it the term burletta. 
 
 At the time of its production Fenelon's charming "Roman," 
 either in the original French or its English translation, was 
 in the hands of every school boy or girl in the United 
 Kingdom. 
 
 In this instance as in every dramatisation of a popular 
 subject that I have been concerned in, the well-known plot 
 was invariably preserved with the most reverential fidelity, 
 whatever liberties might be taken with the details ; and from 
 the first line of the piece — 
 
 "Calypso ne pouvait se consoler du depart d'Ulysse," 
 
 to the last, spoken by Mentor — 
 
 " Ecoutez-moi pour la derniSre fois o fils d'Ulysse" — 
 
 the familiar English version was as closely parodied as 
 possible.
 
 174 TELEMACHUS; OR, 
 
 Whether this be a merit or not is, of course, a matter of 
 opinion, but it is upon that principle that I have worked 
 throughout my career, and believe that it has been most 
 essential to my success. 
 
 In the cast of this Extravaganza will be found the name 
 of Miss Mary Glover, the daughter of that great actress 
 who, both in tragedy and comedy, but especially in the 
 latter, so long and so deservedly retained the favour of the 
 public. The painter of the scenery, Mr. C. J. James, was 
 subsequently the lessee of the Tottenham Street Theatre, 
 then called ''the Queen's," now raised from its original 
 low estate by the talent and taste of Mr. and Mrs. Bancroft 
 to the first rank amongst our Metropolitan theatres, under 
 the title of "The Prince of Wales's." 
 
 "Telemachus" was performed for fifty-one nights.
 
 THE ISLAND OF CALYPSO. 175 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS. 
 
 THE GROTTO OF CALYPSO— [C. J. James.) 
 
 Nymphs ( (in the style of j Misses Greener, Julia Carr, 
 Desponding ( C. M. Von Weber) ; H. Romer, Maxwell, 
 
 And other Associates of the Royal Olympic School of Painting. 
 Full Length Portraits of 
 
 Calypso (Queen of Ogygia) ... Madame Vestris 
 
 Eucharis ") c Miss Paget 
 
 Leucothoe > (Maids of Honour to Her Majesty) < Miss Norman 
 
 CoRCYRA J I Miss Pincott 
 
 CALYPSO'S VISION, a la Manfred. 
 A DRAM-atic etching in Aquafortis. 
 " Ah me ! what perils do environ 
 The men who parody Lord Byron. " 
 
 First Spirit \ ("three noble swilling ( Mr, Huggins 
 
 Second Spirit sspirits, the very elements of< Miss Goward 
 Third Spirit j this. ..Isle." (. Mr. Wyman 
 
 Spirit OF Mountain Dew (in a Scotch Mist) ... 
 
 Phantom of Ulysses (Jones.) 
 
 View in the Island of Ogygia — •Morning — (C /.James.) 
 
 Mercury (a ^i«V/C' Silver Messenger) Miss Malcolm 
 
 Coast Scene, with a Young Frow on the summit / C. J. James, 
 
 of a tremendously low and easily accessible < The Figure by 
 
 precipice ( Madame Vestris 
 
 TELEMACHUs(from original in the Fenelon Gallery) Miss Glover 
 Mentor (a bass relief from the same collection) ... Mr. J. Bland 
 " Full of wise saws and Modern instances. 
 And so he plays his part." — As You Like Lt? 
 Venus (drawn by Doves, after a study) ... ... Miss Fitzwalter 
 
 Master Cupid (as the "Blind Boy," a fancy 
 
 sketch) Miss Pettifer 
 
 BLLND MAN'S BUFF— -hot from the celebrated picture by Wilkie, 
 FOREST IN THE ISLAND— a Wood-mi. [C.J. James.) 
 
 The Beach at Low Water, and by Moonlight. 
 The Evening Star, from a design by Mackintosh. 
 
 The Furies : — ^Jealousy, Hatred, Revenge, Despair, &c., a Group. — 
 
 By Torchlight. 
 
 MODEL OF "THE MENTOR," 
 First-Class Mediterranean Steam Packet — (Mackintosh.) 
 
 Minerva (a jt'wg-/^ line Engraving) Miss Ireland 
 
 " Hear me for the last time, O Son of Ulysses." 
 
 TAIL PIECE AND ILLUSTRATIVE VIGNETTE, 
 
 By all the Contributors.
 
 L 177 ] 
 
 TELEMACHUS; 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE ISLAND OF CALYPSO. 
 
 Scene First. — The Grotto of Calypso in the Island of 
 Ogygia — Leucothoe and other Nymphs discovered in 
 melancholy attitudes — a lamp and magic book. 
 
 Recitative — Eucharis. 
 
 Calypso is inconsolable for the departure of Ulysses, 
 Her grief she cannot master for the man she so much 
 
 misses ; 
 Where her lover went to sea, every day she goes to 
 
 stare. 
 And instead of following her hounds, she has taken to 
 
 tearing her hair ; 
 E'en night to her brings no repose, for in this grotto 
 
 mystical 
 She brews " thick coming fancies " very black and Man- 
 
 fredistical ; 
 Her Nymphs dare not approach her in her solitary 
 
 rambles, 
 And here is Chrismas come and we forbid our Christ- 
 mas gambols. 
 
 Chorus — " Light as Fairy Foot^'' — " Oberon." 
 
 What a fate on us to fall, 
 
 We must have no fun at all. 
 
 All too loud she says we play, — too loud ! 
 
 All too loud she says we sing, — too loud ! 
 
 N
 
 1 78 TELEMACHUS: OR, 
 
 Cast your skipping ropes away, 
 
 Burn your hoops and cut your swing. 
 
 Vainly we to sleep would go, 
 
 All night long she sobs and sighs, 
 
 Rest she can't herself, and so 
 
 She won't let us close our eyes. 
 
 O for some pill, to cure her spleen. 
 
 Cold pudding can't settle love so keen. 
 EuCH. She comes, and fain would be alone. 
 Leuco. Pray let her. 
 
 The sooner we all brush, I'm sure the better. 
 
 {Exeunt Omnes) 
 
 Enter Calypso; Scena — "■ Di Piacery 
 
 Cal. Deep my share of mortal woe, 
 For Ulysses still I pine, 
 He has left his Calypso, 
 And in vain call lips o' mine ! — 
 In every waving bough. 
 His farewell bow I see. 
 Green leaves are hateful now, 
 Since he has ta'en French leave of me ! 
 I can't abide the cry of " stole away," 
 Since o'er the sea his bark did roll away. 
 To see the hounds throw off can't cheer me, 
 By him thrown off who once was near me \ 
 My deer has proved a fox to be, 
 And made a silly goose of me ! 
 
 (seats herself beside the lamp, and consults her magic book- 
 lights down) 
 
 The lamp wants trimming sadly — so does he 
 
 Who is the cause of all my misery ! 
 
 Why should I burn a light ? my fate still dark 
 
 Must be, for I have lost my latest spark. 
 
 My slumbers, if I slumber, are not sleep, 
 
 I get the fidgets, tumble, toss, and weep. 
 
 I've thought until I think I'm sick of thinking ; 
 
 I'm half inclined to take at once to drinking.
 
 THE ISLAND OF CAL YPSO. 
 
 1 7 
 
 I will raise spirits, that may raise my own ; {rises) 
 Come in some forms by which ye may be known, 
 Ye Ardent Spirits, from the wine vaults near ! 
 I charge ye by the glass, appear ! up here ! 
 
 Music — The back of the grotto opens and discovers the Lake 
 of Geneva^ in front of it the Spirit ok Gin. 
 
 Spirit. Old Tom is the best of Geneva, 
 They owned it long ago ; 
 Ask Hodges, the spin- 
 ner of cordial gin, 
 Or Thompson, Fearon and Co. 
 There are palaces built in every street 
 To the sprite of the juniper tree. 
 I'm here, if you wish to take me, neat, 
 Or why did you call for me ? 
 
 Cal. I called thee, for I called thee, saucy sprite, 
 
 Thou'rt called " blue ruin," and thou'rt called aright. 
 Begone, and to the poor thy poison deal, 
 I will to see a spirit more genteel. 
 
 Music — ^^ Drops of Brandyj'^ at 7i)hich ///<? Spiri'J' ok Gin 
 evaporates, and the Spirit of Brandy floats iti upon a 
 cask, the scene changing to the Straits of Dover. 
 
 Spirit. In the dumps art thou, daughter ? 
 
 Where thy pain ? what thy grief? 
 
 Can brandy and water 
 
 Afford thee relief ? 
 
 Warm with, if 'tis handy. 
 
 If not, without, cold : 
 
 To the spirit of brandy 
 
 Your wishes unfold. 
 Cai.. Avaunt ! for thy French name is " Eau de Vie," 
 And life is now detestable to me ! 
 To drink thee even mixed might be manslaughter. 
 My lost Ulysses may be in the water. 
 Hence, nor provoke me to use means severer, 
 I'm very queer, and would see something (queerer. 
 
 N 2
 
 I So TELEAfACHUS; OR, 
 
 Music — " Grog time of day, boys.'" The Spirit of Brandy 
 goes out., and the Spirit of Rum appea?-s off the coast of a 
 West India Isla?id ; a feet i7i the distance. 
 
 Spirit. I am the rummest spirit mind 
 
 That ever you did see, 
 The sugar cane I left behind 
 Where folks drink sangaree ; 
 To ease thy pain, I o'er the main 
 From old Jamaica jog, 
 The fleet I met sailed better yet 
 At the mere sight of grog. 
 
 Cal. a fleet ! oh, horrid sound ! the thought of ships, O, 
 
 Is quite enough to make sea-sick Calypso. 
 
 Why cam'st thou hither, with that ugly phiz ? 
 
 What canst thou say to cheer me ? 
 Spirit. " Rums is riz." 
 
 Cal. Down, evil spirit to thy native hell. 
 
 And say / sent thee thither. 
 Spirit, {sijiking) " Rums is fell." 
 
 Cal. These spirits cannot teach me to forget, 
 
 I must have something far more potent yet. 
 
 (waves her sceptre — Music — A gauze to imitate smoke covers 
 
 the stage) 
 
 What rises yonder, 'mid those fumes mysterious ? 
 
 I fear 'tis something very deleterious. 
 Voice, {witiiout) I am the spirit o' a private still, 
 
 Wi' smuggled Highland whiskey what's your will ? 
 Cal. Forgetfulness. 
 
 Voice. Of what, of whom, and why ? 
 
 Cal. Of my own wretched self — my sorrow's dry, 
 
 And I would drown it ! I feel very choky 
 
 And don't much fancy anything so smoky. 
 Voice. The still small voice of small still whiskey hear. 
 Cal. Why can't you, like the rest, to sight appear ? 
 Voice. Troth, to do that would argue me no wise man, 
 
 I've ne'er paid duty yet to the excise-man. 
 Cal. But you to me shall pay it. Let somebody 
 
 I love be now inspired by whiskey toddy.
 
 THE ISLAND OF CALYPSO. i8i 
 
 Voice. Behold ! {music — Gauze rises and discovers the 
 figure of Ulysses leaning on a pedestal) 
 
 Cal. O criminy ! I'm hoaxed, for this is 
 
 A madness and a mockery. Ulysses ! 
 O speak to me, though but one word in Greek, 
 If you're a gentleman, I beg you'll speak. 
 
 Duet — •" By the margin of ZuricKs fair 7aaters.'" 
 
 Cat,. On the margin of Neptune's salt waters, 
 
 Calypso ! 
 Has wandered the long summer's day ; 
 On the spot where thy glances last caught hers, 
 
 Calypso ! 
 Has cast all her good looks away. 
 I have called very often on thee, 
 And in turn thou hast now called on me, 
 Then speak to me, dearest, I pray. 
 Ulys. Calypso ! 
 
 Cal. Go on ! is that all you can say ? 
 Ulys. Calypso ! Calypso ! 
 
 Cal. Alack, well a day ! 
 
 Calypso ! Calypso ! is all he can say. 
 
 {the figure of Ulysses vanishes) 
 My heart is broken all to little bits. 
 Cracked is my brain, and shattered are my wits. 
 I will no more of spirits — even wine 
 (Except when dining out) will I decline. 
 Henceforth I'll lady-patronise sobriety. 
 And start a female temperance society. 
 
 Air — Calypso — " Farewell to the Mountain " — 
 ''Mountain Sylph." 
 
 Farewell Shrub and Mountain, 
 
 Brown Sherry and pale, 
 Henceforth at the fountain, 
 
 I'll drink Adam's ale. 
 Claret, Port, and Madeira, 
 
 Champagne and Moselle, 
 You're too heady for me, then 
 
 Farewell, oh farewell !
 
 1 82 TELEMACHUS; OR, 
 
 Farewell, oh completely, 
 
 Wine, Spirits, and Beer, 
 Naught stronger than butter milk, 
 
 Will I drink here ; 
 Drams and Cordials go comfort 
 
 Some old Convent belle. 
 Such drops I'm for dropping, 
 
 Farewell, oh farewell. 
 Farewell Shrub and Mountain, &c. 
 
 {Exit Calypso) 
 
 Scene Second. — A view if? the Island. 
 
 Enter Mercury, ?neeti?ig Eucharis a7id Leucothoe. 
 
 EucH. Law, Mr. Mercury, how do you do ? 
 
 Mer. Ladies, I kiss your hands and your lips too. 
 
 (saUites them ) 
 
 Leuco. It's quite an age since we have met together. 
 
 EucH. Pray tell us, shan't we have a change of weather ? 
 Men say when Mercury comes down so low, 
 It's a sure sign that it will rain or snow, 
 And when they see you rapidly ascending 
 They count upon the weather shortly mending. 
 
 Mer. They are quite right, although in these gay bowers 
 I never even fall so low as " showers ;" 
 My errand here, in fact, is to inform ye, 
 That out at sea I have been down to " stormy." 
 But though it should rain cats and dogs elsewhere, 
 The glass you look in always points to " fair." 
 
 EucH. Oh, Mr. Hermes, you have such a knack 
 Of saying civil things — ■ — • 
 
 Mer. As I come back 
 
 I'll call and say some more ; but where's the Queen ? 
 Is she up yet, and willing to be seen ? 
 
 Leuco. Up ? I believe you. As we passed her grot 
 She bolted out, and passed us like a shot ;
 
 THE ISLAND OF CALYPSO. 183 
 
 You'll find her at the " look out " on the cliff, 
 From whence she last beheld the Grecian skiff 
 That bore Ulysses from this charmed Isle. 
 
 Mer. Is it far off, pray ? 
 
 EuCH. About half a mile. 
 
 Mer. I bear despatches from the king o' the sky, 
 Say, will you take them to her or shall I ? 
 
 Leuco. We take 'em ! If a word we dared to speak 
 She'd knock us into the middle of next week. 
 
 Air — Leucothoe — " Lieber Augjisti?ie." 
 
 With safety, so near her. 
 
 We can't shew our faces ; 
 We've good cause to fear her, 
 
 When she's in her frowns. 
 An absolute Queen — she'd abolish our places, 
 
 Or else with her sceptre demolish our crowns. 
 
 Air — EucHARis — " L Amour." 
 
 Anacreon Moore, with his numbers so charming. 
 
 Would fail to appease her when once she's enraged ; 
 
 You'd better return, sir, — your duty's alarming, — 
 And say you have called here, and found her engaged. 
 
 Air — Mercury — " Merrily, oh.''' 
 
 Mercury's spirit sometimes rises, 
 
 Mercury O ! Mercury O ! 
 Until it all the world surprises, 
 
 Mercury O ! Mercury O ! 
 In heat I mount up without fear, O, 
 In cold I plunge right down to zero ; 
 
 Mercury's wings defy capsizes, 
 So here I go ! So here I go ! 
 
 {first in solos a?id then together, the airs harmonising) 
 
 {Exeunt)
 
 1 84 TELEMACHUS; OR, 
 
 Scene Third. — Another view in the Island — the sea ifi the 
 distance, on the left hand a projectijig cliff, on tiie sufnmit 
 of wJiich Calypso is discovered gazing on the beach befieath 
 her. 
 
 Cal, The spirits I've forsworn still fuddle me, 
 The meditations I indulge in muddle me. 
 I stand upon the edge of this lone steep, 
 And sometimes feel a strange desire to leap — 
 And then again I don't. 
 
 Enter Mercury /w/« below. 
 
 Mer. She's there by jingo. 
 
 Cal. Sure I saw something yonder on the wing go, 
 
 The birds fly low — There'll be some falling weather. 
 Mer. If you don't mind, ma'am, you'll all fall together. 
 
 (Mercury motmts the rock) 
 
 Cal. Ulysses, oh Ulysses ! why, oh why 
 
 Am I immortal when I wish to die ? 
 
 How v^ery hard ! Of troubles I've a peck. 
 
 Yet cannot either break my heart or neck. 
 
 I'll try though, that I will. Earth, take these bones, 
 
 And crack 'em 
 
 Mer. {holding her) Hollo ! gently o'er the stones. 
 Cal. Who art thou, in whose arm there so much nerve is ? 
 Mer. Just now I'm one of the preventive service. 
 Cal. Ha, Mercury, I recollect your face, 
 
 My grief was blind — I didn't see your grace. 
 Mer. My scrapegrace rather ; but descend, I pray, 
 
 And don't break bones upon the road to-day. 
 
 I have some hope to lighten your distress, 
 
 I bear glad tidings. 
 Cal. Oh, what are they? 
 
 Mer. Guess. 
 
 Cal. I can't, 
 
 Mer. Then listen, {whispers) 
 
 Cal. You're some hoax designing. 
 
 Mer. No. 
 
 Cal. On your life and honour ? 
 Mer. Bright and shining.
 
 THE ISLAND OF CALYPSO. 185 
 
 Cal. I can't believe it, who has done this ? 
 
 Mer. You know 
 
 Full well the lad3^ 
 Cal. For a pound it's Juno. 
 
 Mer. Done, pay the money, for (but mind between us 
 
 This must be kept a secret) it was Venus ; 
 
 I took the note to Neptune by her order, 
 
 Begging this little boon he would accord her. 
 Cal. And he consented ! nay, 'tis too good news. 
 Mer. Look then but yonder, where the tempest brews 
 
 For many a hapless tar his watery bie?- : {storm) 
 
 That storm will wreck Telemachus. 
 Cal. What, here ? 
 Mer. So much great Jove hath sent me here to say 
 
 With his best compliments. 
 Cal. Thrice happy day ! 
 
 Ulysses' son? Telemachus, oh joy ! 
 
 Yes, the ship sinks, but there still floats the hoy ; 
 
 There's some one with him ; who's his friend I 
 wonder ? 
 
 Some queer old quiz, who looks as black as 
 thunder. * 
 
 Mer. {aside) I know, but mustn't tell. 'Tis sage 
 Minerva, 
 
 Provided with a patent life preserver, 
 
 For under the disguise and name of Mentor, 
 
 She of cork jackets was the first inventor ; 
 
 But that's 'twixt Jove and me. {to Calypso) Ma'am, 
 to depart 
 
 I crave permission. 
 Cal. Oh, with all my heart. 
 
 Mer. Well, if that isn't civil, Fll be shot ! 
 
 {Exit Mercury) 
 Cal, What, ho ! my nymphs. From fountain, grove, or 
 grot, 
 
 Haste hither to your Queen, all those who hear her ; 
 
 She holds a drawing-room, and wants you near her. 
 
 Enter Eucharis and Leucothoe, atid at the same 
 moment all the Nymphs appear in dijfcrent parts of the 
 stage — Telemachus and Mentor ascend as from t/ic 
 beach
 
 r86 TELEMACHUS ; OR, 
 
 Sesteito — " // Gruppoy 
 
 Calypso, Eucharis, Leucothoe, Telemachus, Mentor, 
 
 and 1ST Nymph. 
 All. Ah ! 
 
 Ment. {to Tele>l\chus) Mind, boy ! mind what you're 
 about here ; 
 
 What a group ! O, sharp look out here. 
 Tel. We're in luck, I make no doubt here ; 
 
 What a group are looking out here. 
 Cal. {aside) We've Telemachus no doubt here 
 
 On the group, how he looks out here. 
 EucH., Leuco., and ist Nymph. In their wet clothes walk- 
 ing out here, 
 
 They'll catch croup or they'll catch gout here. 
 Cal. {aloud, in feigned ariger) Had we no such thing as scout 
 here. 
 
 To prevent their getting out here ! 
 
 Though we had a ball or rout here, 
 
 They would come unasked no doubt here ! 
 Ment. {to Telemachus) Thunder, rain, and water spout 
 here. 
 
 Made us happy to get out here. 
 
 We shall put them to the rout here. 
 
 Still they'll welcome us no doubt here. 
 EucH., Leuco., and ist Nymph. Sure there's been a water- 
 spout here. 
 
 They've come up it to get out here ; 
 
 Passports, if they are without here. 
 
 They'll be hanged without a doubt here. 
 Cal. {aside) Although half-drowned, he looks the youth of 
 fashion ; 
 
 But I must feign a most tremendous passion. 
 
 (aloud) Whence and what are ye who the hungry 
 fish on 
 
 My coast have baulked of lunch without permission ? 
 Tel. Amongst the elements the late confusion 
 
 Must plead our pardon for this bold intrusion. 
 
 We're come, 'tis true, without an introduction 
 
 But drawn 
 
 Cal. By sympathy ? 
 
 Ment. No, ma'am,— by suction.
 
 THE ISLAND OF CALYPSO. 187 
 
 Cal. {aside) Some rude philosopher, [aloud) Tell you the 
 
 tale, {to Telemachus) 
 Tel. At five a.m. it blew a heavy gale — -— 
 Ment. In short, we're shipwrecked — now you know it all. 
 Cal. And you must know that neither short nor tall 
 
 Are ever suffered with impunity 
 
 To land amidst this fair community, 
 
 In proof whereof you should be doomed to death. 
 
 But that you seem already out of breath. 
 
 To-day, at all events, you shall not die — 
 
 Being wet we'll only hang you — out to dry. 
 Ment. You're very kind. But he'll think it a borej 
 
 And I have been across the Ihie before. 
 Cal. Your name, sir, {to Telemachus) and condition ? 
 Ment. Madam, this is 
 
 Telemachus, the son of sage Ulysses ; 
 
 My name is Mentor— I'm his private tutor. 
 Cal. Mentor ! Tormentor rather ! Sir, be mute, or 
 
 I'll find a way to make you. Pray, young man. 
 
 Tell your own story — I've no doubt you can. 
 
 J/^r^/^^y— Telemachus. 
 
 My name it is Telemachus ! 
 
 I've seen a little sarvice, 
 
 Where angry billows roll and loud tempests blow ; 
 
 I've sailed in Tyrian ships, 
 
 And I've driven Cretan Jarvies, 
 
 And 
 
 Over the mountains and over the moor, 
 Hungry and barefoot I've wandered forlorn ; 
 
 My father I've lost, and my mother — I'm sure 
 
 There's fifty young men have told her their fine tales. 
 And called her their fairest she. 
 But 
 
 When they asked, " Are you within ?" 
 
 Heigho ! says Rowley ! 
 
 She answered them yes ! but I'm sitting to spin 
 
 And 
 
 Oft in the stilly night. 
 
 When slumber's chain had bound them, 
 All she had done by light 
 
 .She undid to confound them ;
 
 i88 TELEMACHUS; OR, 
 
 Singing 
 
 Where and oh ! where 
 
 Is my Grecian laddie gone? 
 He's gone to fight the Trojans, 
 
 And crack King Priam's crown ; 
 And it's oh ! in my heart, 
 
 But I wish he'd make haste home- 
 Then I, a brisk and lively lad. 
 
 Thought I'd go to see, ma'am ; 
 What could keep my roving dad 
 
 From his Penelope, ma'am 
 
 So I played at Bo-peep, 
 All over the deep, 
 But I couldn't tell where to find him 
 Let him alone, 
 Thinks I, he'll come home. 
 
 With a very long tale of 
 
 How the Grecians went running to Troy, 
 And the Trojans came running to meet 'em- 
 But just as here with fav'ring gale 
 
 Our gallant ship up channel steered, 
 And scudding under easy sail 
 
 This sky-blue western isle appeared ; 
 To heave the lead the seamen sprung, 
 
 When out the pilot loudly sung 
 
 O dear ! what can the matter be, 
 Dear ! dear ! what can the matter be ; 
 O dear ! what can the matter be. 
 
 The weather no longer is fair 
 
 Loud roars the dreadful thunder. 
 
 The rain a deluge showers, 
 The skies are rent asunder 
 
 By lightning's vivid powers ; 
 Quite puzzled what to do, 
 The poor unhappy crew. 
 Lay like logs. 
 Sick as dogs, 
 Without beef or biskey, oh ! 
 But lucky event. 
 When to pieces we went. 
 We happened to be very nigh land ;
 
 THE ISLAND OF CALYPSO. 189 
 
 So to swim we both tried, 
 And were left by the tide 
 High and dry on your Majesty's island ! 
 Oh, it's a nice little island, 
 A dear little duck of an island ; 
 I am sick of the seas. 
 And would live if you please, 
 All my life in this tight little island ! 
 Cal. Well, I must own I pity your distresses. 
 
 You seem to have been in some dreadful messes. 
 Though you were wet, your story's made you dry, 
 You look fatigued, too — rest till by-and-bye. 
 In yonder grotto you'll find all prepared ; 
 The rooms are airy, and the beds are aired. 
 Tel. a thousand thanks. 
 
 Cal. {to Mentor) And you may follow suit. 
 
 You'll entertainment find for man and {juith a look of 
 scorn at him) brute. 
 Mext. You're too polite, {aside) At all her wiles I laugh, 
 Old birds are never to be caught with chaff. 
 {to Telemachus) I shall keep you awake with constant 
 
 tapping. 
 She's mighty cunning, but shan't catch nie napping. 
 Tel. (aside) To leave such company's a sin ; methinks 
 I shall come back when I've had forty winks. 
 
 {Exeunt Mentor and Telemachus) 
 
 Cal. Go, ladies, and prepare a cold collation. 
 Then each may follow her own inclination. 
 
 {Exeunt Nymphs) 
 (advancing) He's handsomer than his papa, I vow. 
 If I could only make iiim love me now ! 
 Venus might aid me, but then she's his foe ; 
 I'll write a note to her and ask her though. 
 
 {takes out tablets and writes) 
 Air — Calypso — ^^ Lovely Lady Mine" — ^'■Le Prcaux Clercs?' 
 
 Queen of lovely beauty, 
 
 Venus, most divine, 
 I present my duty 
 
 To yourself and shrine.
 
 jQo TELEMACHUS; OR, 
 
 Grant the prayer I pen you, 
 
 Make this youth my own, 
 If you won't, why then you 
 
 Must let it alone. 
 Venus, to my coast, pray 
 
 Come before you dine ; 
 Or by return ot post, pray 
 
 Let me have a line. 
 "To Venus, Queen of Paphos." {directing it) Take it, 
 wind, {letter flies off) 
 
 Venus appears ^uith Cupid. 
 
 She's come already ! Ton my life that's kind. 
 
 Madam, for this politeness I'm your debtor. 
 Ven. Oh not at all. How are you, any better ? 
 
 As luck would have it, we were close by, shopping. 
 
 And I had thought of in upon you popping. 
 
 What is't you want ? and yet I need not ask. 
 
 You want that lad to love you. That's a task 
 
 You'll find more easy to be said than done, 
 
 But you may try and warm him with my son. 
 
 I'll leave him with you for the day with pleasure, 
 
 But I must go — I'm hurried beyond measure. 
 Cal. One moment ! Pry'thee, who's that surly bear ? 
 
 Telemachus's tutor? 
 Ven. Nay, dear — there 
 
 I'm puzzled too. I only know that he 
 
 Has been particularly rude to me, 
 
 And brought his pupil up to scorn me too. 
 
 I'll ne'er forgive him — shoot me if I do ! 
 
 Neptune has tried to drown him twice — but rat 
 
 The rogue, he's got more lives than any cat. 
 
 A pedant ! 'Gainst my court to back his college. 
 
 His useful 'gainst my entertaining knowledge ! 
 
 The Book of Beauty, published by its queen. 
 
 He'd stifle with a Penny magazine ! 
 
 If you can worry him in any way, 
 
 You'll quite oblige me. Cupid, love, you'll stay 
 
 With Queen Calypso all the afternoon. 
 
 Diana's waiting for me in the moon.
 
 THE ISLAND OF CALYPSO. 19 1 
 
 I've got to night to be an evening star, 
 And twenty calls to make first, so ta ta ! 
 
 {music — Venus re-ascends ) 
 
 Cal. Good-bye, good Venus ! If this deer I tame, 
 Next time I hunt, I'll send you lots of game. 
 Well, my young friend, can you assist me, pray ? 
 
 Cupid. I'll try. There are but few can spurn my sway, 
 But this boy's case presents a novel feature ; 
 He is a most extraordinary creature — 
 He snubs the ladies, and declares he'd rather 
 Go poking round the world to find his father ; 
 However, I have got a little plan. 
 Which I suspect will tease my gentleman ; 
 When next your nymphs 
 
 Cal. 'J'hey come — I see their noses ! 
 
 Cupid. Go you away — I'll hide amongst the roses. 
 
 {Exit Calypso — Cupid hides in a rose bush) 
 
 Enter Eucharis, Leucothoe, afid Nymphs. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 Girls so gay, come out to play, 
 
 We'll do no more work to-day ; 
 
 Come with a hoop, or come with a ball, 
 
 Come with a good will, or not at all. 
 EucH. What shall we play at — forfeits ? 
 Leuco. Forfeits ! stuff ! 
 
 I'm for a good long game at blindman's buff. 
 EuCH. Well, blindman's buff then — who shall first be blind ? 
 
 Enter Tei.emachus and Mentor. 
 
 Leuco. One of these gentlemen will be so kind. 
 Ment. From all such follies we must stand exempt. 
 
 " Familiarity doth breed contempt ; " 
 
 Pray let it understood between us be, 
 
 Vou shan't blind him, ma'am, and you ca)^ blind me. 
 Leuco. Civil, I vow. {to Telemachus) And do you say 
 
 " fain play ?" 
 Tel. {to Mentor) Please, sir, mayn't I have a half holiday? 
 Ment. Not to enlist yourself 'neath folly's banners. 
 
 "Evil communication spoils good manners."
 
 192 TELEMACHUS; OR, 
 
 Tel. Ladies, you hear, I am a luckless suitor, 
 
 I am kept in by order of my tutor. 
 Leuco. Well, round my forehead let the scarf be tied. 
 
 Cupid reappears from rose bush, with bandage over his eyes. 
 
 EucH. Stay ! here's a blind boy ready cut and dried ; 
 
 Come hither, little master ; what's your name ? 
 
 Have you a mind to join our Christmas game ? 
 Cupid. Ladies, a second time you shall not sue, 
 
 I'll play with all my heart, {aside) and all yours too. 
 Leuco. This is your station, — now, my little man. 
 
 Turn round three times, and then catch whom you can. 
 
 Dance — After a while Cupid catches Leucothoe — music 
 
 ceases. 
 
 Leuco. Hey-day ! This boy is sure the worst of pickles ; 
 Plague take the little rascal — how he tickles ! 
 
 {breaks from him — dance resumed — he catches another 
 Nymph — jtiusic ceases) 
 
 2nd Nymph. Let go — you tease me, and I'll play no more ; 
 
 I vow I ne'er was caught this way before, {retires) 
 EucH. {aside) There's something monstrous queer about 
 that elf, 
 
 I've half a mind that I'll be caught myself. 
 
 {dance resumed — Eucharis /?^/5- herself in Cupid's way — he 
 catches her — she breaks from him— music ceases) 
 
 What's this I feel — grief, pleasure, pain, or joy ! 
 
 Whatever have you done, you naughty boy ? 
 
 Ladies, beware ! that urchin near you creeping, 
 
 If you but look on him you'll pay for peeping ; 
 
 At all events, beware you touch him not. 
 
 His hand is like a furnace — it's so hot ! 
 3rd Nymph. Surely a child like that can never harm us ! 
 
 My hand's quite cold. 
 
 4th Nymph. And mine 
 
 3rd Nymph. Let's make him warm us. 
 
 {dance again — Cupid turns each of the Nymphs) 
 
 What's this ?— I burn !
 
 THE ISLAND OF CALYPSO, 193 
 
 1ST Nymph. I roast ! 
 
 4TH Nymph. I broil ! 
 
 5TH Nymph. I fry I 
 
 1ST Nymph. You little rogue ! 
 4TH Nymph. Oh, my ! 
 
 3RD Nymph. Oh, fie ! 
 
 5TH Nymph. Oh, cry ! {Exeimt Nymphs) 
 
 Cupid, {to Telemachus) These ladies, sir, seem tired of m}- 
 face ; 
 
 Suppose you let me blind you in my place ! 
 Ment. Telemachus, Telemachus ! mind me ; 
 
 " There's none so blind as those who will not see." 
 
 Do you not mark, who near that urchin lingers, 
 
 As sure as eggs is eggs will burn his fingers. 
 Tel. My sage adviser, Lindley Murray begs 
 
 Another time you'll say that eggs are eggs. 
 Ment. When, to save you, you see me in a hurry, 
 
 I'll thank you not to bother me with Murray. 
 Tel. Why mayn't I with that child my time 
 employ ? 
 
 He's surely an engaging little boy. 
 Ment. Engaging ! — yes, no doubt of that, you stupid ; 
 
 Engaging is his trade — his name is Cupid. 
 Tel. Cupid ! — and is that Cupid ? — pray don't row me ; 
 
 But I must speak to him — will you allow me ? 
 
 {to Cupid) 
 Cupid. You do me honour, sir : I recommend 
 
 A partner — Lady Eucharis — my friend. 
 Tel. {aside) I feel an overishness come all over ; 
 
 Sure I'm transformed at once into a lover. 
 Ment. That serves you right^you put me in a rage ; 
 
 It's little use to stuff your heart with sage 
 
 Reasons, if thus you let that rascal spoil it. 
 
 Why if it were his father's heart, he'd broil it. 
 
 Quartette — "J// manca la voce." 
 
 Eucharis, Telemachus, Calypso, and Mentor. 
 
 EuCH. Oh, who can this boy be ? 
 
 He's hurt me severely. 
 Why should I feel (|ucerly 
 And he go scot free ? 
 
 o
 
 194 TELEMACHUS; OR, 
 
 Tel. a plague take this boy ! he 
 
 Has hurt me severely. 
 Why should I feel queerly 
 And he go scot free ? 
 
 Cal. {entermg) Oh, where can this boy be ? 
 He's not heard me clearly ; 
 He's made them all queerly ; 
 None will go scot free. 
 
 Ment. Oh, hanged shall this boy be ! 
 
 He's hurt />ii?ie severely ; 
 I'll make him pay dearly ; 
 He shan't go scot free. 
 
 Cal. I'm all astonishment ! {to Cupid) What have you 
 
 done? 
 Cupid. Hush ! not a Avord ! I've caught 'em all — such fun I 
 Cal. Such fun indeed ! Are you too blind to see 
 
 What's fun to you, sir, may be death to me ? 
 Cupid. I've done some mischief, one way or another. 
 
 And that's enough — so I'll go back to mother. 
 
 {Exit) 
 Cal. {fo Mentor) A word in private with your youthful 
 
 friend. 
 Ment. {to Telemachus, aside) If you should want me, do 
 
 not sigh but send. {Exit) 
 
 Cal. You'll join the chase, Telemachus, I trust ? 
 Tel. I should be happy, madam, but I must, 
 
 I fear, be jogging on to seek my father. 
 Cal. No farther seek, but stay with me the rather, 
 
 Reign with me here where rain doth never fall, 
 
 Where JVinter's music's never heard at all ; 
 
 And where you may with safety upon t/ii's count, 
 
 That india-rubber cloaks are at a discount ; 
 
 Where bright Apollo, in his march sublime. 
 
 Though god of verse, won't suffer frosts of rime. 
 
 My coast is clear, my skies are never hazy, 
 
 My smiling meadows never lack a daisy. 
 
 Stay then, and love but me as I love you ; 
 
 No knife shall ever cut our love in two.
 
 THE ISLAND OF CALYPSO. 195 
 
 Tel. Unless my love is cut in two, alas ! 
 
 I do not see how this can come to pass. 
 Cal. Not come to pass ! have I made this confession, 
 
 And is another lady in possession ? 
 Tel. {aside) I had almost betrayed myself, {alottd) Oh 
 
 no. 
 Cal. Then why the dickens did you scare me so ? 
 
 P'or whom would you divide your love in two ? 
 
 Lor whom ? with whom ? 
 Tel. Papa. 
 
 Cal. Papa ! pooh, pooh ! 
 
 I'll be your father, mother, sister, wife. 
 Tel. Your Majesty's too gracious, on my life. 
 Cal. But not a word just now, my nymphs are nigh, 
 
 We'll talk this matter over by-and-bye. 
 
 Ladies, the hounds throw off at Breakneck Thicket. 
 
 We hunt to-day. 
 Tel. a hunt? — Yoicks ! 
 
 All. That's the ticket. 
 
 {Exeunt Eucharis, Leucothoe, and Nymphs.) 
 
 Enter Nymphs, in hutiting dresses. 
 
 Air and Chorus — '^ Let us take the road'' — ''■Beggar's 
 
 Opera." 
 
 Calypso and Nymphs. 
 
 Let us take the field ! 
 The hour of the chase approaches, 
 On a manor where no one poaches, 
 
 To the glorious pastime yield ! 
 See the lance I hold — 
 
 We laugh at the doctors' glasses, 
 
 Our system theirs surpasses. 
 We don't buy our health with gold. 
 
 {Exeufit Omnes) 
 
 o 2
 
 196 TELEMACHUS ; OR, 
 
 Scene Fourth. — A I^orest. 
 Enter Mentor. 
 
 Ment. So so ! the game is up ! Mistress and maid 
 x\re bent upon the same though, I'm afraid ; 
 And yet, so much the better, for I've found 
 Between two stools we often come to ground. 
 I'll lead Calypso where she may discover 
 Miss Eucharis coquetting with her lover ; 
 And if some precious trick she doesn't serve her, 
 Why then my real name is not Minerva, 
 It is impossible young Mr. T. 
 Could live in Hymen's bonds with that Miss E. ; 
 And what's impossible can never be, 
 And never, never, never come to pass — 
 Who thinks it can, is but a stupid ass. 
 Son of Ulysses, up this proverb treasure, 
 " Marry in haste and you'll repent at leisure." 
 
 Air — " Wheti time hath bereft thee^'' — " Gustavus HI." 
 
 'Tis time thou hast left here, 
 
 O pupil of mine ; 
 Or of freedom bereft here, 
 
 To late thou'lt repine. 
 When the rose pink shall vanish 
 
 That now paints thy dear. 
 And the want of the Spanish 
 
 Makes creditors queer — 
 Thou'lt complain of the badness 
 
 Of times ; and to me 
 Confess it was madness 
 
 To marry Miss E. 
 
 They come ! Calypso must not longer doubt of it. 
 
 Enter Eucharis and Telemachus. 
 
 EucH. We're in the wood. 
 
 Ment. {aside) Don't hollo till you're out of it. 
 
 (Exit)
 
 THE ISLAND 01 CALYPSO. 197 
 
 EucH. Oh, that together we through hfe could trip 
 so ; 
 But weren't you just now kneehng to Calypso ? 
 Tel. Kneeling to her, sweet maid ! Come, that's a good 
 one; 
 One couldn't after seeing you — now could one ? 
 AVith you alone I'd live — without you die ! 
 EucH. You just say that 'cause no one else is by. 
 
 Tel. Sweet love, you wrong me ! let me swear again ! 
 
 EucH. They tell me that's the way with all the men. 
 
 Tel. I'm not like other men — indeed it's true ! 
 
 EucH. That's strange, for other men are just like you. 
 
 Tel. I vow — protest — I never will deceive you ! 
 
 EuCH. {curtseying) And I am fool enough, sir, to believe 
 
 you. 
 Tel. You are ? then is my happiness complete, 
 I'll settle here and buy a country seat. 
 
 Enter Calypso «;/^ Mentor. 
 
 Cal. You settle here ! I'll settle you and her too ! 
 
 That in this isle such things should e'er occur too ! 
 EuCH. Pray don't be angry with this gentleman — 
 
 /can explain. 
 Cal. I make no doubt you can. 
 
 Tel. Madam, be merciful ! — she's very fair ; 
 
 It had been so with you had you been there. 
 Cal. Fair? she's as false as thou ! Oh, fie upon her! 
 
 And then she calls herself a maid of honour ! 
 EuCH. Away then with obedience to the wind, 
 
 I'll love my love wherever him I find ; 
 
 Madam, without the slightest hesitation, 
 
 I beg to tender you my resignation. 
 
 Duet — Eucharis and Calypso — " Beggar's Opera.'" 
 
 EucH. Farewell, Queen Ca-lyp-so, 
 
 Your paltry wages scorning ; 
 I'll i)ack my portmanteau. 
 
 And wish you a good morning. 
 
 Ca-lyp-so.
 
 198 TELEMACHUS ; OR, 
 
 Cal. You're quite right, saucy maid, 
 
 In thus my wages scorning ; 
 You've no right to be paid, 
 As you yourself gave warning. 
 
 Saucy maid. {Exit Eucharis) 
 
 Ment. {stopping Telemachus) No, you don't follow her, 
 so needn't try — 
 
 Go in ! I'll talk to you, sir, by-and-bye ; 
 
 First to the Queen I have a word to say — 
 
 And while the sun shines I must make my hay. 
 
 {Exit Telemachus) 
 Cal, Knives, scissors, bodkins ! he still sweet as sugar is 
 
 Upon that saucy slut — that minx, Miss Eucharis ; 
 
 But if he won't wed me, he shan't wed her, 
 
 And that I swear by Styx ! Come hither, sir ! 
 
 It's clear you want Telemachus away — 
 
 I've not the slightest wish that he should stay. 
 
 To-morrow's paper treats of building ships, 
 
 I've got an early copy — in the slips — 
 
 And you shall have it. 
 Ment. Thank you for the favour — 
 
 But I know everything. 
 Cal. a walking Mavor ! 
 
 Then build a ship like that in which you came. 
 Ment. But where to find materials for the same ? 
 Cal. You said that you knew everything, you fool. 
 Ment. That's the exception, ma'am, that proves the rule. 
 Cal. Down by a cave, which forms a sort of limehouse. 
 
 There stands a poplar ; creep there like a sly mouse ; 
 
 Cut the tree down, then up, and there remain 
 
 At work — but mind, let no one see you plane ; 
 
 Behind the entrance to the cave on stools 
 
 You'll find a vast variety of tools ; 
 
 And dipping in a box which never fails, 
 
 E'en at your fingers' ends you'll find some nails ; 
 
 Work like a workman who has much to do, 
 
 And all you see in one you saw in two ; 
 
 You'll soon get through it if you're not a dolt. 
 
 And when your wood-work's ready make a bolt. 
 
 If I have left no pitch upon the shelf. 
 
 Just put to sea — the ship will pitch itself.
 
 THE ISLAND OF CALYPSO. 199 
 
 Men r. Verbum sat sapient i. In a trice 
 
 I'll do it, madam — you shan't tell me twice. 
 
 Duct — Mentor ajid Calypso — "6"^ la vita" — '•'Scimramid^ 
 
 Mext. To sea ! 
 
 Cai.. To sea ! 
 
 Ment. To sea I 
 
 Cai.. Get out of this island, 
 
 You shan't live in my land, 
 
 Nor longer on dry land, 
 So now, sir, you know ; 
 
 You've both made a blunder, 
 
 My vengeance you're under, 
 
 In lightning and thunder 
 Away you shall go. 
 
 Ment. I laugh at your worry, 
 
 You're hotter than curry. 
 The cause of your flurry, 
 
 Young woman, I know ; 
 There shan't be a slip, ma'am. 
 Between cup and lip, ma'am, 
 I'll just build that ship, ma'am, 
 And then off we go. 
 {aside) I've beat her, 
 Cal. (aside) I have beat him ; 
 Ment. {aside) I shall cheat her, 
 Cal. {aside) I shall cheat him. 
 
 {Exeunt Mentor and Calypso) 
 
 Scene Fifth.— 7%<? Beach of the Lsland at low water, and 
 by moonlight, seen through a per/orated rock. 
 
 ^.l^[^9,\c— ''Pretty Star of the A'ight"—YEiii]S,as the Evening 
 Star, rises in the horizon. 
 
 Yen. As I suspected, Mentor love defies, 
 How very lucky 'twas my time to rise. 
 Where is my hopeful son ? Cupid, my dear, 
 I want you, come directly.
 
 2 00 TELEMACHUS ; OR, 
 
 Enter Cupid. 
 
 Cupid. Ma, I'm here. 
 
 Ven. You are ! and don't you know what mischiefs brewing? 
 
 Cupid. I think I ought, for it was all my doing. 
 
 Ven. What, to let that vile Mentor build a ship, 
 
 And with Telemachus give us the slip ? 
 
 My stars and garters ! 
 Cupid. Oh, mamma, for shame ! 
 
 Ven. Well, I can't help it, then ; be made the game 
 Of all the sky by these two clods of clay, 
 I won't endure it. Find me out some way 
 To turn the tide — some nighfs move that may check 
 'em. 
 
 Cupid. Do as before — ask Neptune just to wreck 'em. 
 
 Ven. He can't. He told me but this afternoon. 
 He cannot raise the wind again so soon. 
 The last time he was forced to give a rout, 
 He put his trident up the water-spout. 
 
 Cupid. Well, 'pon my honour, that was forking out. 
 What can be done, dear mother, for you know 
 Calypso's sworn by Styx that they shall go. 
 
 Ven. O, burn the Styx. 
 
 Cupid. Stay, you have struck a light 
 
 Into my brain-pan, and a prospect bright 
 Is kindling. " Burn the Styx," — theirs shall be burned 
 Before they cut them, don't you be concerned. 
 Dry your bright eyes, for ere they have done winking, 
 Through this night's watch they'll see yon vessel 
 sinking. 
 
 Ven. a mother's blessing be upon thy brow ! 
 
 Cupid. I'm much obliged ; but don't stand preaching 
 now — 
 Here comes the lady I must work on. Fly 
 Up to your own blue lamp-post in the sky. 
 
 (Venus rises — Cupid retires)^ 
 Enter Calypso. 
 
 Cal. Too hasty Queen, what has thy passion done — 
 
 The ship is built, and they may cut and run. 
 Cupid, {advandtig) Not if you'll trust to me !
 
 THE ISLAND OF CALYPSO. 201 
 
 Cal. How so, my dear ? 
 
 I've sworn by Styx and cannot interfere. 
 
 Cupid. But Eucharis 
 
 Cal. Name not that hated name ! 
 
 Cupid. Hated or not yoirre partners in this game — 
 If Mentor wins, the stake is lost to both. 
 Now though your Majesty has ta'en an oath, 
 It don't bind Eucharis, and I'll inspire 
 Her and the rest to set the ship on fire ; 
 In that ship's smoke old Mentor's hopes you'll smother— 
 You haven't sworn that he shall build another. 
 
 Cal. " A Daniel come to judgment " you indeed are — 
 But Love was ever known a special pleader. 
 You darling Love ! as swift as meditation 
 Or your own thoughts effect this comv/mation 
 Devoutly to be wished — the furies raise up 
 Hate, Jealousy, Revenge, and make them blaze uj); 
 Remember, though, it must be your affair, 
 I but look on and laugh at their despair. 
 Vainly old Mentor hopes to cross the ocean, 
 My learned friend takes nothing by his motion. 
 
 Air — Calypso — " Der Frets chuiz." 
 
 Though they think o'er me to crow, 
 
 Soon the ruddy flame shall glow. 
 
 They will find it is no go. 
 Mentor and Telemachus 
 Still shall lodge and board with us. 
 
 Burn then, burn, I do implore thee, 
 
 Cupid, Cupid, I adore thee. 
 
 {Exeunt Cupid and Calypso) 
 
 Efiter Mentor. 
 
 Ment. So that job's jobbed. 
 
 JEtiter Telemachus. 
 
 Now, Master T., away ! 
 Tel. Whither? 
 Ment. No, not with her, with me ; " delay
 
 202 TELEMACHUS; OR, 
 
 Is dangerous." To mizzle I decide. 
 
 Tve built a ship^ — she'll float with the next tide. 
 
 And see, 'tis rising fast. 
 Tel. a clap of thunder 
 
 This to my hopes. Where's Eucharis, I wonder? 
 
 Mayn't I take leave of her ? Let me go back, 
 
 Indeed I must. I've got my things to pack. 
 Ment. Pack nothing — but pack off without delay. 
 Tel. But Euchans ! Ah ! see, she comes this way. 
 
 With all the Nymphs, who lighted torches bear. 
 Ment. Aye, led by Love, Hatred, Revenge, Despair, 
 
 And Jealousy, that green eyed monster, who 
 
 Eats nothing which his own cook doesn't stew. 
 
 Stand by and let them go on with their burning. 
 
 It's a long lane that never has a turning. 
 
 Enter Eucharis, Leucothoe, and other Nymphs, witli 
 lighted torches, led by Cupid, Jealousy, Revenge, 
 Hatred, Despair, and the Furies. 
 
 Chorus — " Siege of Corinth." 
 
 Come flare up and burn his ship, 
 
 A bonfire soon she'll make ; 
 He thinks he'll give us the slip. 
 
 But it's quite a mistake. 
 
 As eyes fail to raise a flame, 
 
 Or them to bewitch, 
 It may be a burning shame. 
 
 But we'll try pitch. 
 . Then flare up, as Cupid's chain 
 They would break in two. 
 
 We will patch it up again 
 With links bright and new. 
 
 {Exeunt all but Mentor and Telemachus) 
 
 Ment. Love, still I laugh at thee ! oh, shallow dreamer, 
 The vessel I have chartered is a steamer — 
 She's got her coals aboard, and he can't spoil her, 
 The fire he lights will only heat the boiler, 
 And ere " Jack Robinson " the rogue can say 
 She'll get her steam up and be under weigh.
 
 THE ISLAND OF CAL YPSO. 
 
 Here she comes smoking like a modern dandy. 
 
 Away ! this is no moment words to bandy ; 
 
 Up, up with me, I say ! From yonder rocks 
 
 We'll jump at once upon the paddle box. 
 
 {forces Telemachus up the rocks — the steamer glides on 
 as they ascend) 
 Tel. Ah, Eucharis ! one last — one little peep ; 
 
 How oft you've said, sir, " Look before you leap." 
 Ment. True! but at present that won't suit my book — 
 
 In this case you must " leap before you look."' 
 
 {pushes him off the rock on to the paddle box and 
 Jutnps after him — the vessel sails off) 
 
 Re-enter Cupid, Eucharis, Leucothoe, Nymphs, Furies, 
 
 &c., Calypso. 
 
 Cal. Baffled ! defied ! It's all along of you ; 
 
 Vile Love ! since he is gone, be you gone too ! 
 Cupid. I'm sure to stay here I've no inclination, 
 
 But you detain me by some fascination. 
 Cal. I'm sick of all the flummery you utter ! 
 Mekt. {frotn the vessel, which has re-appeared at sea) 
 
 You're right, " Fine words no parsnips ever butter. 
 Cal. Who art thou that can thus e'en Love disarm ? 
 Ment. Wisdom ! whose ^gis shelters youth from harm ; 
 
 Behold me in my proper form appear. 
 
 {assumes the form of Minerva — the name of ''■Mentor" 
 on the paddle-box changing at the same time to that of 
 " Minerva ") 
 
 All. Minerva ! 
 
 Cupid. Oh, the murder's out then ! 
 
 MiN. {to Telemachus) " Hear 
 
 Me for the last time, oh son of Ulysses ! " 
 Cal. What ! " for the last time "—such a night as this is ? 
 
 I beg your pardon ; — wise as you may be. 
 
 That's anything but a wise speech for me. 
 
 Ladies and gentlemen, I beg to say, 
 
 I hoy)e yotc won't be led by her away ; 
 
 If you approve, I'll bet the prude a ])enny 
 
 That this will not be "the last time " by many
 
 204 TELEMACHUS. 
 
 Telemachus shall listen to her voice, 
 Or I lo yours — oh ! let my heart rejoice 
 In those sweet sounds that now alone can cheer 
 The muffled drum of sad Calypso's ear ; 
 Let no cross Mentor with some proverb stale 
 Our harmless nonsense weigh in reason's scale. 
 Remember Christmas comes but once a year, 
 And you have made success proverbial here ; 
 Then " vogue la Galere " shall be my motto, 
 Or, as the boys say — " Don't forget the grotto :" 
 But on the strand when fortune drives your ships, O I 
 Take shelter in the island of Calypso. 
 
 Finale — " Merry may the Keel ro7(ii." 
 
 Cal. As you come down Newcastle Street, 
 Oh let me hear you sing — 
 " Tis yonder lives Calypso, 
 
 Suppose we just look in." 
 Though love is looking rather blue, 
 
 ■ If you are not disappointed too, 
 I do not care a pin, 
 
 And merry may the keel row 
 The steamer my lad's in. 
 
 Chorus — And merry may, &c. 
 
 CURTAIN.
 
 r; 
 
 ^.^^a-^^^i.^.^^ ;
 
 RIOUET WITH THE 
 
 TUFT: 
 
 A Grand Comical, Allegorical, Magical, Musical 
 Burlesque Burletta, 
 
 In One Act. 
 
 First performed at the Royal Olympic Theatre, under the manage- 
 ment of Madame Vestris, December 26th, 1836.
 
 L 207 ] 
 
 RIOUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 The production of this piece forms a turning point in the 
 history of extravaganza. In my introduction to this volume 
 I have stated the impression made upon me by the perform- 
 ance of Potier as Riquet a la Houppe, in what was to me at 
 that period an entirely novel style of entertainment. Our 
 nursery tales, " The Arabian Nights," and the " Tales of the 
 Genii " had furnished subjects for Easter spectacles 
 and the openings of Christmas pantomimes as long as I could 
 remember. I myself had written for Drury Lane an Easter 
 piece founded on the story of " Abudah, or tlie Talisman of 
 Oromanes," in the latter series, and for EUiston at the 
 Olympic a speaking pantomime, "Rodol])h the Wolf, or 
 Columbine Little Red Riding Hood;'" while "Aladdin," 
 " Cherry and Fair Star," " Mother Goose," and scores of 
 other fairy stories had been successfully dramatised in 
 various forms long previously ; but all these, including my 
 own lucubrations, were treated seriously, and presented to 
 the public simply as " Grand Spectacles," to which title some 
 of them produced at Covent Garden miglit fiiirly lay claim. 
 The " Folie Feerie " of the French stage was a vastly dif- 
 ferent affair ; sparkling with wit, pregnant with refined satire, 
 exquisite whim, and that delightful persijlagc which is iIk-
 
 2o8 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 especial charm of the French fairy tales of the eighteenth 
 century, the "Contes de Fees," of Perrault, of the 
 Countess d'Aulnoy, &c., and of which the essence has en- 
 tirely evaporated since their period. Acted also by such 
 comedians as Potier they received the most intelligent in- 
 terpretation ; not a point was lost, not a jest unappreciated. 
 What a contrast to the dulness of our spectacles^ — to 
 the coarseness of even the best of our burlesques. I 
 bought the piece, and lost no time in translating it 
 as faithfully as possible, endeavouring, so far as the idioms of 
 the two languages would permit, to preserve the poetry, 
 grace, and piquancy of the dialogues. Whatever my inevit- 
 able shortcomings, I at all events did my best, and on my 
 return to London offered the piece in turn to the managers 
 of nearly every theatre, with the same result as that which 
 had previously attended " Prometheus and Pandora." Like 
 that repeatedly-rejected burletta, " Riquet with the Tuft," 
 was laid aside for years ; like it also, to emerge eventually 
 to the benefit of all concerned in its production. " Every- 
 thing comes in time to those who can wait," says the 
 proverb, and at that period I could afford to wait. Years 
 rolled on; rather more than twelve had elapsed, and 
 " Prometheus and Pandora," as " Olympic Revels," had not 
 only brought fortune and added fame to its producer, 
 but in the course of five seasons established a new 
 style of entertainment in popular estimation. At 
 this juncture an engagement with Mr. Bunn to 
 write exclusively for Drury Lane Theatre during the 
 season 1835-36, prevented me from furnfshing as usual
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 209 
 
 the Christmas piece for the Olympic, and my coadjutor, 
 Charles Dance, declining to take upon himself the sole re- 
 sponsibility of producing one, Madame Vestris applied to 
 Samuel Lover, the amiable and gifted Irish poet, composer, 
 and novelist, who supplied her with a burletta on the subject 
 of "Cupid and Psyche," entitled "The Olympic Pic-nic" The 
 following Christmas, however, being at liberty, Dance and I 
 agreed, at the request of Madame Vestris, to resume our 
 old positions as caterers for the holiday visitors to the 
 London " Theatre de Madame ;" but Dance, who was half 
 a lawyer, declared that as " some one had been walking in 
 our sky," it was incumbent on us to "change the venue." I 
 proposed Fairy-land, which, hitting his fancy, I routed out 
 my translation of " Riquet," and refreshing it with new songs 
 and concerted musical pieces, entertained sanguine 
 hopes of its success from the novelty of its character. 
 Not so, however, Madame Vestris nor Charles Mathews, 
 who had newly joined the company, and was to 
 sustain the part of Riquet. A few days previous to its pro- 
 duction we were summoned to a solemn conference with 
 them in the front parlour of the private house attached to 
 the theatre in Craven Buildings, and it was seriously debated 
 whether or not it would be better, even at that eleventh 
 hour, to revive one of the classical favourites rather than 
 risk the ruin of the whole season by the failure of this untried 
 species of entertainment. Not being able, however, to shake 
 our confidence, they in some measure regained their own, 
 and the result fully justified our expectations.
 
 2IO RIQUET WITH THE TUFT 
 
 Charles Mathews was not the Riquet I remembered 
 Potier ; he lacked the tenderness in the love scenes — the 
 disheartening consciousness of his personal deformity so 
 touchingly blended with the comic phase of the character 
 which distinguished the performance of that admirable 
 French artist. I also missed that indefinable air of courtly 
 breeding which reminded the spectator that the hideous, 
 limping, grotesque hunchback was a prince by birth and a 
 gallant gentleman by nature. Charles Mathews, however, 
 was Charles Mathews. He had jumped jauntily and imme- 
 diately into the favour of the public on his first appearance 
 in " Old and Young Stagers," on the 12th of December, 
 1835. "They like his manner," whispered Charles Young, 
 who sat beside me on that occasion, and in that " manner " 
 peculiarly his own he acted Eiquet to the perfect satisfac- 
 tion of the audience, who had not seen Potier, and would 
 probably have preferred Mathews if they had. Bland was 
 the grandest of Grand Dukes and the greenest of Green- 
 horns. Madame Vestris was of course all that could 
 be desired as the Princess Emeralda, and with Mrs. 
 Honey, a young and beautiful actress (who at one time 
 threatened to become a dangerous rival), sang the " letter 
 duet," " I have sought thee beloved one," enchantingly. The 
 piece was played to crowded houses to the end of the season 
 (fifty-nine nights), and a new mine of rich material was 
 opened for the benefit alike of authors and managers. These 
 volumes contain sufiicient evidence of the gratifying conse- 
 quences of the fortunate experiment to me personally.
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 211 
 
 A copy of the play bill issued for the first performance 
 will be found interesting from the names appearing in the 
 original cast, which subsequently obtained more or less 
 celebrity. 
 
 I have but to add that "Riquet with the Tuft" is the only 
 piece of this class for any portion of which I am indebted to 
 the French stage, and that the additions and interpolations 
 of the English traducers will be obvious to the reader with- 
 out the assistance of marginal notes. 
 
 Since \\Titing the above, one of my kind Editors has 
 drawn my attention to the Finale in which " Riquet 
 with the Tuft " is stated to be " A Fine Old English 
 Fairy Tale," whereas it is notoriously French, and the 
 piece itself avowedly adapted from the French Feerie 
 Folic " Riquet ti la Houppe." Critically speaking (and 
 an editor is " nothing if not critical "), his objection is 
 well founded ; but in these days of " compulsory education " 
 some hyper-critical " learned Pundit " might contend that 
 it was not French, but Indian or Indo-Scythian, and 
 had percolated through Europe, as Mr. Railstone has 
 shewn so many have done, via Italy or Scandinavia into 
 Brittany, where they were literally ?iursed into the forms on 
 which Perrault founded his " Contes dema Mere I'Oye," and 
 Madame d'Aulnoy her inimitable " Contes de Fees," and 
 subsequently " done into English " became the delectation 
 of our childhood under the titles of " Mother Goose's " and 
 " Mother Bunch's Fairy Tales." I must also observe that 
 the author of the French drama could not have been ignorant 
 
 1' 2
 
 212 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT ■ 
 
 that Riquet a la Houppe is one of the " Contes de ma Mere 
 rOye," but as no special fairy is named in the story he did 
 not scruple to make Mother Bunch the godmother and 
 protectress of the hump-backed hero, in which course I have 
 followed him. All things considered, therefore, as both 
 those estimable old ladies were, like ray own ancestors, unde- 
 niably of French extraction, but like them also were legally 
 naturalised in this country on their translation hither two 
 centuries ago, I have thought I may be pardoned for 
 claiming " Riquet with the Tuft " in his English dress as an 
 English subject.
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 213 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS, &:c. 
 
 The Dresses by Miss Ireland, Miss Glover, and Assistants. 
 The Properties by Mr. Morris. The Machinery by Mr. Mackintosh. 
 
 The Music arranged by Mr. Tully. 
 
 The Action and Fairy Groups under the direction of Mr. Oscar Byrne. 
 
 The Scenery by Messrs. Tomkins* and Hilliard as follows :— 
 
 FAIRY LAND. (Tomkins.) 
 
 " O, then I see, Queen Mab has been with you." 
 
 Mab (Queen of Fairy Land) Miss FiTZWALTER 
 
 Mother Bunch (her first appearance at this 
 
 Theatre) ... Miss R. Isaacs t 
 
 {Her First Appearance at this Theatre) 
 Fairies (who will dance a round and sing a chorus) : Mesdames 
 Crawford, Norman, Garrick, Jackson, Dowton, George, Parris ; 
 Misses Isaacs, James, Ryan, Ross ; Masters Ryan, Ireland, Knight, 
 
 Hitchinson. 
 
 Gardens of the Palace of the Grand Duke of the 
 Green Islands. (Hilliard.) 
 
 Green Horn the Great (Grand Duke of the 
 
 Green Islands) Mr. J. Bland 
 
 Grand Chamberlain Mr. F. S. Franks 
 
 (His First Appearance at this Theatre) 
 
 The Grand Duchess Verdantica Mrs. Macnamara 
 
 The Princess Emeralda Madame Vestris 
 
 HALL OF AUDIENCE. (Hilliard.) 
 
 GREEN ISLANDERS. 
 
 Myrtilla (a Lady-in-Waiting on the Princess, 
 
 and far a husband) 
 Captain of the Guard ... 
 Usher of the Green Rod 
 Bronze (King-at-Arms) 
 Green Dragon (Herald) ... 
 Green Mantle Pursuivant 
 
 Mrs. Honey 
 Mr. Tully 
 Mr. Kekkidge 
 Mr. Hughes 
 Mr. Ireland 
 Mr. Cooke 
 
 * Charles Tomkins, a young artist, wno rapidly attained a considerable reputation 
 but was unfortunately compelled to relinquish his profession in consequence of a 
 sunstroke, from the effects of w hich he never recovered. He died in 1838. 
 
 t Miss Rebecca Isaacs. This intelligent little girl developed into a delightful 
 vocalist, and held for many years a prominent position in the concert-room, as well as 
 on the stage, (d. aist April, 1877.)
 
 214 
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 ILLUSTRIOUS FOREIGNERS. 
 
 Prince RiQUET WITH ^ (Suitors for the (^, ^ 
 
 THE Tuft \ hand of the \ ^^- C«As. Mathews 
 
 Prinxe Finikin J Princess Emeralda) l"^^^^- Anderson ^- 
 
 Grotto in the Palace Gardens. (Tomkins.) 
 
 " At that moment the ground opened, and the Princess saw, with 
 the greatest surprise, 
 
 A LARGE KITCHEN, 
 
 filled with a number of Cooks, all busy, and singing all the time as 
 merry as could be." 
 
 PAVILION OF QUEEN MAB. (Tomkins.) 
 
 Seven Champions: Messrs. Moores, Pinsent, Connell, Morgan, 
 Davies, Hitchinson, and Smith. 
 
 Valentine 
 
 Orson 
 
 Jack the Giant-Killer 
 
 Cinderella 
 
 The Two Sisters ... 
 
 Prince 
 
 Beauty 
 
 The Beast 
 
 Little Red Riding Hood 
 Puss in Boots 
 White Cat 
 
 Mr. Hughes 
 
 Mr. Ireland 
 
 Master Ryan 
 
 Miss Crawford 
 
 Miss Norman & Miss Goward 
 
 Miss Jackson 
 
 Miss Paris 
 
 Mr. Ballantyne 
 
 Miss James 
 
 Master Hitchinson 
 Miss Kendall 
 
 DENIZENS OF FAIRY LAND, 
 
 Who will, by way of a Christmas Gambol, present a series of very 
 
 Animated Pictures, forming a species of Alelodramatic Autobiography, 
 
 humbly dedicated to the amusement of children of every growth. 
 
 * Mrs. Anderson, who died on the ist May, 1848, was Josephine Bartolozzi, only 
 sister of Mdme. Vestris, whom she slightly lesembled in features. Her marriage 
 with a man named Anderson, well-known on the turf and in the sporting circles 
 generally of that day, was unfortunate. By him she had two daughters, who were 
 most kindly cared for and educated by their aunt, the youngest subsequently 
 being introduced by heron the stage, as I shall hereafter have occasion to notice.
 
 [ 215 ] 
 
 RIOUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 ACT I. 
 Scene First. — Fairy Land — Queen Mab, Fairies. 
 
 Chorus — " Who loould sleep in her coral cave ? " — Finale 
 Second Act, " Oberon^ 
 
 Welcome (^ueen of the Elfin band ; 
 Thou art welcome back to fairy-land, 
 To the land of music, the land of mirtli, 
 And joys unknown to the sons of earth. 
 Merrily, merrily let us sing, 
 Round as we trace the fairy's ring. 
 
 Queen. Say where the bard who in his brightest dreams, 
 Hath not drawn inspiration from our streams ; 
 Say where the churl so dull to set no store 
 By fairy tale, or scoff at fairy lore : 
 If such unthankful clod on earth there be, 
 
 " Pinch him, fairies, mutually, 
 
 Pinch him for his villany. 
 Pinch him and burn him and turn him about, 
 Till candles and starlight and moonshine be out." 
 
 Mother Bunch rises. 
 
 M. Bunch. Then by my fay, some trouble it will cost. 
 You'll have to pinch, and turn the world almost, 
 For in its own conceit, 'tis grown so wise, 
 'Twill believe nothing, but its hands and eyes ; ^
 
 2i6 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 Holding in scorn of essences ethereal, 
 
 All that is not material, immaterial ; 
 
 My book is banished nursery and hall 
 
 By knowledge which the boobies " Useful" call. * 
 
 Useful forsooth ! where finds the housewife now. 
 
 Her hearth swept up ? was that no use ? I vow, 
 
 It makes me mad ! the lazy sluttish maid 
 
 Now sleeps in peace, no more of us afraid — 
 
 " Farewell, rewards and fairies " runs the song 
 
 That now they sing, and they shall rue it long. 
 
 Queen. Nay, my good mother, you are scarcely just, 
 To the poor children of yon ball of dust ; 
 We need not whisk through key-holes as of yore. 
 For ignorance no longer charms the door. 
 The superstition which enslaved the clown, 
 I grant is gone, he takes the horse-shoe down, 
 But though our presence he no more perceives. 
 He feels our influence on summer eves, 
 And winter nights, and still in every clime 
 The fairy tale is told ; and lov'd the fairy rhyme. 
 
 M. Bunch. Well, well, e'en as you please — I'm getting old. 
 And grant I'm vexed when maggots grow so bold. 
 I have a godson whom I would befriend, 
 But that task done — my earthward journeys end. 
 Then farewell to their world so wondrous clever, 
 Old Mother Bunch deserts it, and for ever. 
 
 Queen. We hold a feast to-night — You'll come ? 
 
 M. Bunch. I'll see. 
 
 With me of late, late hours do not agree. 
 
 Queen. Oh ! here we're never late ; f Ere midnight hour 
 The glow-worm lamps are quench'd in every bow'r. 
 Each fairy bids her acorn shutters close. 
 Or draws the leafy curtains of her rose. 
 
 * The publication of the " Libraries of Useful Knowledge " had just 
 been commenced. 
 
 t Alluding to the early closing custom of the theatre, which I have 
 already mentioned.
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 217 
 
 Ql£^ — Queen Mab and Fairies — '•'■ Come utito these yellow 
 
 sa7ids." 
 
 Hasten back to fairy-land, 
 
 And bring your godson in your hand, 
 
 To join our band. 
 
 Speed ! speed ! 
 
 May you succeed, 
 
 And back repair, 
 
 Our elfin feast to share. 
 Hasten back to fairy-land, 
 And bring your godson in your hand, 
 
 To join our band. 
 With a fal la, la, la, la, la, &c. 
 
 Mother Bunch descejids — Scene gradually changes to 
 
 Scene Second. — The garde?is of the palace of the Grand 
 Duke of the Green Islafids. 
 
 Enter Grand Duke a7id Duchess. 
 
 Duke. Sweet wife and duchess, moderate your passion, 
 
 Speak with calm dignity in our own fashion ; 
 
 What is it of our daughter you would say ? 
 Duchess. Duke, she grows more provoking every day, 
 
 And 'tis your fault. 
 Duke. Our fault ! we've no faults, madam. 
 
 And we have power to pardon if we had 'em. 
 Duchess. The girl's no sense. 
 Duke. Well say that she has not 
 
 I cannot give her 
 
 Duch. What you haven't got. 
 
 Duke. Grand Duchess— — 
 
 Duch. Well you say such things, you do. 
 
 They would provoke a saint. 
 Duke. Then wherefore _>'^?^ ? 
 
 You should be proud, ma'am, of my daughter's 
 beauty. 
 Duch. I'd rather she were plain and did Iier duty.
 
 2i8 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 Duke. Her figure's formed by Medicean rule. 
 
 DucH. An upright figure, but a downright fool. 
 
 Duke. With eyes so bright, and voice so sweet and 
 tuneful 
 
 DucH. And scarcely brains to fill the smallest spoonfull. 
 
 Duke. You'll make me swear — A Princess rich and 
 pretty. 
 What earthly reason has she to be witty ? 
 She's the most lovely girl in our dominions ; 
 About that fact there can't be two opinions, 
 At least we beg to say we think there can't be. 
 
 DuCH. Perhaps there can. 
 
 Duke. Then, ma'am, we say there shan't be, 
 
 Because who so presumes, his head shall fall, 
 And then we'll trouble him to think at all. 
 Besides you know full well 'tis in our power 
 To give our daughter an enormous dower. 
 And that's been ever found beneath the sun 
 To be sense, wit, and talent, all in one ; 
 Nay, if such wealth should on a negro light, 
 The world would call that black a lucky wight. 
 
 {A crash of china lieard) 
 
 Duch. Hark ! something dreadful sure must be the matter ; 
 
 That's from my Indian Cabinet, that clatter. 
 Duke, 'Tis nothing ! 
 
 Duch. Nothing ! Why, you heard that smash ! 
 Duke. I think I did hear something like a crash ! 
 Duch. Hear something like; why, Duke, I shouldn't 
 wonder 
 
 If you would make the same remark on thunder. 
 Duke. My love, there's one small fact which you forget, 
 
 I'm used to smashes in the cabinet. 
 
 But here comes one will tell us what's occurred. 
 
 Enter Chamberlain. 
 
 Duch. Grand Chamberlain, what noise was that we heard ? 
 Chamb. Her serene highness the Princess Emeralda has 
 been graciously pleased to overturn the porphyry table, and 
 demolish the entire service of Nankin porcelain, presented 
 to your highness by the Emperor.
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUET. 219 
 
 Duke. Ha, ha, ha, the gipsy has had the temerity to 
 make war on China. 
 
 DucH. What can you now, pray, in her favour plead ? 
 Duke. She has atoned already for the deed ! 
 DucH. Prove that — my anger on the instant ceases ! 
 Duke. Why, for one war she's made you Hiy pieces. 
 DuCH. My best long service, trampled on for sport. 
 Duke. Long services are oft passed o'er at court. 
 
 And we remember when a tiny elf 
 
 We broke a world of crockery ourself ! 
 
 Where is the Princess ? 
 DucH. Yonder she is racing, 
 
 A butterfly or some such thing she's chasing. 
 
 Music — A butterfly crosses — Emeralda appca7-s chasing it — 
 
 she disappears. 
 
 Duke. Why there's a fact that will alone refute 
 The fools who say that she has no pursuit. 
 
 DucH. About an insect to make all this fuss. 
 She ought to catch it for behaving thus. 
 
 Duke. And she has caught it ! look, and here she comes, 
 Holding it twixt her fingers and her thumbs. 
 
 Re-enter Emeralda 7uit]i a butterfly. 
 
 y^/V— Emerald.\— " Fd be a Butterfly:' 
 
 So, Mr. Butterfly ! full half an hour. 
 
 All through the palace you've led me a chase ; 
 What, let you go again, once in my power ! 
 
 Don't you believe it, my little scapegrace. 
 No longer roving from flower to flower, 
 
 Pinn'd to a paper and in a glass case, 
 You, Mr. Butterfly, " born in a bower," 
 
 Shall find time to rest yourself after your race. 
 
 Duke. Come hither, Emeralda dear, to me 
 E.MER. I've caught a butterfly, see, father, sec. 
 DucH. Can'st look me in the face, thou childish rover? 
 E.MER. Yes, madam ; {iooking at butterfly) and it seems all 
 painted over.
 
 2 20 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 Chamb. {aside) Hem ! our Grand Duchess there received 
 
 a rub. 
 Duke, {to Emeralda) A charge is made by your revered 
 
 stepmother. 
 Emer. To think it comes from an old ugly grub. 
 Chamb. {aside) Preserve us ! That's a harder hit than 
 
 t'other. 
 DucH. This is too much. Since she to listen scorns, 
 
 Upon your head, Grand Duke, be 
 
 Emer. {holding up butterfly) Two great horns. 
 
 Duke. Grand Duchess ! S'death ! The child you flurry so, 
 You make her answers seem mal-a-propos. 
 Come hither, love — she's shy, I'll speak to her — 
 She minds me always— don't she ? {to Chamberlain) 
 Chamb. Always, sir ! 
 DuCH. Shy— she is sulky, and you call it shyness, 
 
 She never minds me — does she ? {to Chamberlain) 
 Chamb. Never, highness. 
 
 Duke {to Emeralda) These childish sports you now must 
 lay aside. 
 The time has come for you to be a bride. 
 Already two great princes for your hand. 
 Through their ambassadors, have made demand. 
 
 They'll soon arrive themselves, and one of these 
 
 Emer. O yes — I'll marry both, sir, if you please. 
 Duke. Dear child ! You see— she's really too obedient, 
 To marry both, my love," is not expedient. 
 
 {flotcrish) 
 Chamb. Your highness ! — by that trumpetting and 
 drumming. 
 One of the suitors must at least be coming. 
 Duch. a suitor, and this girl in such a trim. 
 
 Suit her he may, but she will scarce suit him. 
 
 Xrio — Grand Duke, Chamberlain, and Emeralda. 
 " Gazza Ladra." 
 
 Duke. To her chamber quick convey her. 
 And in richest robes array her ; 
 
 Let of diamonds rare, a cluster, 
 Grace her brow, ere you to public gaze display her. 
 
 And 'tis ten to one their lustre. 
 Will by half the world at least, for wit be ta'en.
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 221 
 
 Emer. Oh ! in jewels and velvet and ermine, 
 I'm going to see a fine lover ! 
 I'll be married to-day I determine, 
 And never be scolded again ! 
 Duke and Chamb. Amid jewels, and velvet, and ermine, 
 All her awkwardness they may look over ! 
 And such trifles will often determine 
 The choice of a wavering swain — 
 His own folly 'twould only discover, 
 
 To see hers, through such splendour too plain ! 
 
 {Exeunt) 
 
 At symphony of nmsic scene disappears and discovers — 
 
 Scene Third. — Grand Hall of Audience, 
 
 Enter Myrtilla. 
 
 Air — " J/>' beautiful Rhine." 
 
 How very provoking two lovers to see 
 
 For another arriving, and not one for me ! 
 
 Some nice lord in waiting, with them should there be. 
 
 Let him but pop the question, he sha'n't wait for me. 
 
 Enter Grand Chamberlain. 
 
 Chamb. Well, fair Myrtilla, you have been seeing some- 
 thing of these suitors, no doubt. 
 
 Myrt. Something, my lord ! aye, something that beats 
 everything to nothing. There is such a blaze of splendour 
 in the court-yard that, if you only put your head out, it's 
 enough to put your eyes out. 
 
 Chamb. But their highnesses themselves, — have you seen 
 them ? 
 
 Myrt. One-fourth of them only. 
 
 Chamb. One4o\\xt\\ of two suitors ? 
 
 Myrt. Exactly ; I have seen one-half of one of them, 
 for his cap is so beplumed, and his cloak so bedizened 
 that from head to hip the wearer is invisible ; he's a man 
 of jewels, if not a jewel of a man, and as for his feathers
 
 222 RIQUET WITH THE TUET 
 
 — it has been, pull ostrich — pull prince, and the prince has 
 got the best of it. 
 
 Chamb. That must be Prince Finikin. 
 
 Myrt. Oh yes, that's his name, there's no doubt of it. 
 
 Air — Myrtilla — " Diavolo." 
 
 In golden coach reclining, 
 
 With lazy lounging tooth-pick air, 
 In gold and diamonds shining, 
 
 He's dress'd with ultra care. 
 In hopes of undermining. 
 
 All rivals who to court repair, 
 On fashion's self refining, 
 
 His looks, his name, declare. 
 Finikin ! 
 Dress and make, and air 
 
 Would his name alone proclaim 
 
 Finikin ! Finikin ! Finikin ! 
 
 Chamb. And what of his rival. Prince Riquet with the 
 Tuft ? 
 
 Myrt. Oh, that's a jewel I have only seen the case of ; 
 his highness is boxed up in a golden Htter, the blinds of 
 which are impervious even to female curiosity. 
 
 Chamb. Then the workman who made them is entitled 
 to name his own wages. Ha ! ha ! ha ! they must be a 
 curious pair of princes by your account, or rather two 
 odd ones ; for one seems to be all outside, and the other all 
 inside. 
 
 Myrt. Just so. It seems as if one suitor had brought his 
 fortune on his back, and lent the other his strong chest to 
 travel in. 
 
 (flourish) 
 Chamb The court approaches ! I must take my place. 
 Myrt. And keep it too, my lord, in any case. 
 
 Music — '■'• March from Bronze Horse'" — Enter six Ladies 
 of the Court, tvho form a half -circle opposite to the throne ; 
 six Guards-ofhonour are seen, three of whom enter, and 
 take their stations on each side of the door — The7i Bronze
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 223 
 
 King-at-arms, Herald, and Pursuivant enter, followed by 
 Usher of the Green Rod preceding the Grand Duke and 
 Duchess, who ivalk roiind the circle, and theft take their 
 seats^The Grand Chamberlain standing on the right 
 of the Duke. 
 
 Chorus — '■'•Mountain Sylph." 
 
 Hail to the ruler of all the green isles ! 
 
 Superlative happiness waits on his smiles ! 
 
 His subjects, too fortunate, gaze and adore ; 
 
 He is all that is glorious, and gracious, — and more ! 
 
 Duke. Deeply we feel this homage to our station, 
 So free from aught like fulsome adulation ! 
 Now introduce the Princes ! let us see 
 Those who aspire our son-in-law to be. 
 
 The Usher goes to the door, and returns ifitroducing Prince 
 Finikin — The Prince has given a card to the Usher, 
 tvho hands it to the Grand Chamberlain. 
 
 Chamb. {reading) " The most high and puissant Prince 
 Finikin, heir presumptive to the crown of Shadow-land, and 
 knight of all the orders of the universe, on presenting himself 
 to request the hand of the Princess Emeralda." 
 Prince. As lightning swift ; by hope auspicious led, 
 
 l^rom climes beyond the sun Fve hither sped. 
 
 Duke. Your highness must be -excessively tired ; will )ou 
 please to take a chair ? 
 
 DucH. What a magnificent air ! 
 
 Duke. What an air of magnificence. Prince Finikin — 
 sit on our right hand, you are right welcome. 
 
 Music —The Usher again proceeds to the door, and returns, 
 preceding a rich litter borne by four Pages. 
 
 Cha.mb. {readifig a card which is handed to him by Usher) 
 "Prince Riquet with the Tuft requests permission to 
 throw himself at the feet of their serene highnesses."
 
 224 
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 Duke. He has permission, Wherefore this delay ? 
 Why is he not more open with us pray ? 
 
 The litter is opeiied, and Prince Riquet comes out of it — 
 He is hunchbacked, bow-legged, with a bump over 07ie eye, 
 and bald headed with the exception of one tuft of very red 
 hair. He is richly attired and wears a miniature of 
 Emeralda abo2d his 7ieck. The ladies shriek and the men 
 burst out laughing. 
 
 Trio — Grand Duke, Chamberlain, 
 
 Mia Borabella." 
 
 and Riquet — "Z« 
 
 Chamb. Ah ! what a queer fellow, 
 
 Oh ! who can he be ? 
 He's like Punchinello, 
 Why surely 'tis he ! 
 Duke. He is a queer fellow 
 
 As e'er eye did see, 
 I think Punchinello 
 Less ugly than he ! 
 RiQ. Go on, my good fellow 
 
 But mark what I tell you. 
 This same Punchinello, 
 May cut short your glee. 
 
 Trio. 
 
 RlQ. 
 
 Duke. 
 
 RlQ. 
 
 Duke. 
 
 RlQ. 
 
 Duke, 
 
 RlQ. 
 t)UCH. 
 
 Duke, 
 
 Laugh while 
 
 I turn the table ? 
 
 able. 
 
 youre 
 we're 
 I'll 
 
 You'll 
 I think I may so. 
 Why you don't say so. 
 And since you tease me so, 
 It doesn't please me, so 
 I soon will let you know 
 You go too far. 
 'Tis far too risible ! 
 What's far too risible ? 
 Your hump so visible, ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 My hump so visible ! 
 I soon will let you know you go too far. 
 Some frolic surely must be meant. 
 Or is he to insult us sent
 
 RKIUET WITH THE TUFT. 225 
 
 Prin. Speak, mis-shapen wretch, or die. 
 RiQ. Riquet with the Tuft am I, 
 
 And by love's supreme command, 
 
 Suitor here for Beauty's hand. 
 Prin. Beautfs hand ? ha ! ha ! 'tis plain, 
 
 'Tis the Beast has come again. 
 
 (ySix Soldiers advance) 
 Duke. Spurn him from the palace gate. 
 RiQ. He who ventures, meets his fate, {draiving his sivord) 
 
 Slaves and sycophants beware ! {they retire) 
 
 Prince, I boast not form so fine, 
 
 But my honour is as fair ; 
 
 Fairer it may be than thine. 
 
 Purer far than thrice my love, 
 
 Bright as thine my knightly sword ; 
 
 If thou doubtest, let this glove (Jii7igi/ig it doivn ) 
 
 Prove the truth of Riquet's word. 
 Duke. How 1 defiance in our court, 
 
 In our presence. 
 RiQ. Pardon pray — 
 
 Ye have made the beast your sport. 
 
 Shrink ye when he stands at bay ? 
 
 Laugh and welcome at my form ; 
 
 I can laugh as well as you, 
 
 But you wake a fearful storm 
 
 When you touch my honour too. 
 Duke. Parley with the wretch were vain ; 
 
 Let him, if he will, remain — 
 
 Son-in-law (to Prince Finikin), for such we hail thee, 
 
 Haste with us thy bride to see. 
 
 Madman, if no harm assail thee, (to Riquet) 
 
 Thank our matchless clemency. 
 
 Exeunt all but Riquet and Myrtilla, /;/ procession through 
 door to '■'■ March from BroJize Horse." 
 
 RiQ. Humph ! Rather an unfavourable commencement 
 of a love expedition, {to Myrtilla) Well! what are you, 
 and why do you not follow your friends ? 
 
 Myrt. Your highness has wit enough to know, without 
 asking ; or I'm much mistaken. 
 
 RiQ. By your pertness, you should be a waiting woman. 
 
 Q
 
 226 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 Myrt. Your highness finds I prophesied. — And my 
 motive for staying ? 
 
 RiQ. A ruling one with all women, but with waiting 
 women especially, — curiosity. 
 
 Myrt. Your penetration. Prince, is a compliment to 
 mine. 
 
 RiQ. And pray, my quick-tongued mistress, will you save 
 me the trouble of guessing on what particular point your 
 curiosity is excited ? 
 
 Myrt. Your highness's wishes are commands. You fell 
 in love with the Princess Emeralda from a sight of her por- 
 trait. 
 
 RiQ. I did. The first glance of this miniature enchanted, 
 — enslaved me. 
 
 Myrt. 'Tis a good likeness I grant, and my surprise is 
 only that your highness did not send in return as faithful a 
 resemblance of yourself. It would have saved you the fatigue 
 of a long journey. 
 
 RiQ. Ah, you mean to say — I am ugly. 
 
 Myrt. That might be considered rude, sir ; but your 
 highness will no doubt admit that your features 
 
 RiQ. You are rather difficult to please, I fancy, in these 
 Green Islands. I can assure you I deem myself, everything 
 considered, a very fortunate fellow. 
 
 Song — Riquet. 
 
 I'm a strange looking person I own, 
 
 But contentment for ever my guest is ; 
 I'm by habit an optimist grown. 
 
 And fancy that all for the best is. 
 Each man has of troubles his pack. 
 
 And some round their aching hearts wear it ; 
 My burden is placed on my back. 
 
 Where I'm much better able to bear it. 
 
 Again tho' I'm blind of one eye, 
 
 And have but one ear that of use is, 
 I but half the world's wickedness spy. 
 
 And am deaf to one half its abuses : 
 And tho' with this odd pair of pegs, 
 
 My motions I own serpentine are ; 
 Many folks blest with handsomer legs. 
 
 Have ways much more crooked than mine are !
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 227 
 
 Nature gave me but one tuft of hair, 
 
 Yet wherefore, kind dame, should I flout her ? 
 If one side of my head must be bare, 
 
 I'm deUghted she's chosen the outer ! 
 Thus on all things I put a good face, 
 
 And however mis-shapen in feature, 
 My heart, girl, is in the right place, 
 
 And warms towards each fellow creature ! 
 
 Myrt. Excellent ; I admire your philosophy. Prince, and 
 admit the force of your argument ; all things considered, as 
 you say — your highness is certainly fortunate. 
 
 RiQ. Nay, only put this ring upon your finger, and when 
 you have contemplated its brilliancy for a few moments, look 
 again upon the giver, and you will find he is vastly improved, 
 even in countenance. (gives licr a diamond ring) 
 
 Myrt. As I live, so I do ! WTiy, there must be magic in 
 the ring surely. I do think certainly that your highness is, 
 comparatively speaking, a very agreeable-looking personage, 
 and I will hasten and tell the Princess Emeralda what a 
 husband she is likely to run away from. 
 
 RiQ. Stay ! stay ! the Princess Emeralda, say you — are 
 you then one of lier attendants ? 
 
 Myrt. Like your highness, I am her devoted humble 
 servant. 
 
 RiQ. Then, my pretty mistress Malapert, you can earn a 
 dozen such baubles, by obtaining for me one private inter- 
 view with your adorable mistress. 
 
 Myrt. Can't you employ me in some other service first ? 
 I should be sorry to lose your custom. Prince, and the inter- 
 view, I fear, will close accounts between us. 
 
 RiQ. I am more sanguine — but there is no time to spare. 
 Even now, perchance, she lends a willing ear to the addresses 
 of my rival ; act as smartly as you speak, my mirror of wait- 
 ing maids, and I'll give thee a groom of the chamber for a 
 husband, and a wedding-ring that would make a portion for 
 a countess. 
 
 Myrt. Your highness's liberality shall not be ill bestowed. 
 Gemini, if all lovers were like Ritiuet with the 'I uft, I'd bar- 
 gain with my next mistress to take the cast-off suitors, in- 
 stead of the cast-off suits. 
 
 2
 
 2 28 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 Air — Myrtilla — " La Sylplu'de.'^ 
 
 On my zeal pray depend, sir, 
 
 I your suit will befriend, sir. 
 
 Here a moment or two, my return but attend, sir. 
 
 I to seek her will fly, sir, 
 
 And my influence try, sir, 
 
 To bring her your features to see in your wits ; 
 
 What a comical figure a courting to go sure, {aside) 
 
 Dan Cupid must blinder, and blinder still grow, sure, 
 
 Or has changed to a hunchback his own crooked bow^ 
 sure, 
 
 To frighten each obdurate fair into fits ! 
 
 {Exit) 
 RiQ. It does seem ridiculous in a being so formed as my- 
 self, to travel thus far in the hope of winning the loveliest 
 of her sex. But I am urged forward by an irresistible im- 
 pulse. I feel it is my fate to seek her love, and there are 
 moments when my heart prophesies success. 
 
 Oh all potent Mother Bunch, 
 Patroness of hump and hunch. 
 Thou who countest not as sins, 
 Bandy legs, and broken shins. 
 Best of godmothers, now hear me. 
 In my hour of need, be near me. 
 
 M. Bunch, (rises) Good morning, godson ; (/le kneels) what 
 frightened at me ! rise. 
 
 RiQ. No not frightened, godmamma — only a little as- 
 tonished. 
 
 M. Bunch. You called on me 
 
 RiQ. I call'd upon your name — but I couldn't do myself the 
 pleasure of calling on you., because I didn't know where you 
 lived. 
 
 M. Bunch. Ha ; ha ; thou wert ever a lively child. 
 
 RiQ. {aside) And you're a lively-looking godmother. 
 
 M. Bunch. Don't you say anything you don't want me to 
 hear, because it's the same to me, whether you talk to your- 
 self or speak out. 
 
 RiQ. {aside) The deuce it is ? 
 
 M. Bunch. Yes ; the deuce it is. 
 
 RiQ. Pshaw ! I forgot again — honoured godmother, ex-
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 229 
 
 cuse my astonishment, this is my first personal interview with 
 you. 
 
 M. Bunch. Not so, Riquet — you saw me the day you 
 were born. 
 
 RiQ. Possibly, but I was so very young then. 
 
 M. Bunch. Mankind are always ungrateful ; I bestowed 
 s. gift on you. 
 
 RiQ. Was it this trifling excrescence, {poi/ifing to hump) 
 or the little pent-house beneath the shade of which my left 
 eye reposes ? 
 
 M. Bunch. Neither ; nature gave you those. I gave you 
 wit and cheerfulness by way of compensation, and pro- 
 phesied that the most beautiful girl in the world should 
 become enamoured of you. 
 
 RiQ. Indeed ! then fulfil your prophecy — I have come 
 hither 
 
 M. Bunch. Spare your breath — I know all — jour lady 
 love is a perfect simpleton. 
 
 RiQ. {producing miniature) A simpleton ! with such eyes 
 as these ? 
 
 M. Bunch. Yes, silly as she is beautiful — but 'tis in your 
 power to bestow sense upon her, if she will consent to 
 marry you. 
 
 RiQ. Delightful ; but if she is so silly, how shall I be 
 able to convince her that she will shew her sense by marry- 
 ing me ? 
 
 M. Bunch. Ha ! ha ! very well — very well. 
 
 RiQ. Nay, don't laugh, dear little mother Bu — godmother 
 Bunch, I mean, but relieve me of this hump, if only for the 
 jfirst interview with the Princess. 
 
 M. Bunch. Nay, 'tis she herself must do that ; the fairy 
 -who presided at her birth gave her the same power over the 
 person that I gave you over the mind ; win her affections, 
 and all your deformities vanish. 
 
 RiQ. But she will be frightened, and run away at the very 
 sight of me. 
 
 M. Bunch. Well — well — your tongue shall have a fair 
 chance at all events. I will give you the means of becoming 
 invisible while you talk to her. Behold the mantle of 
 prudence. 
 
 Mother Bunch presents magic gauze cloak to Riquet.
 
 230 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 Air — " The Witches' Dance" Paganini. 
 
 This magic mantle take you ! 
 
 Invisible 'twill make you. 
 
 Want of such has ruined wiser folks than you. 
 
 When passions fierce assail man, 
 
 E'en wit and talent fail man, 
 
 Unless his better genius gives him prudence too ! 
 
 At the end of song Mother Bunch gives him the cloak, he 
 holds it 7ip to look at it, a?id she va?iishes while he is so do- 
 ing, down centre trap. 
 
 RiQ. {ptits on cloak) — Well now — this is really very kind 
 of you, I assure you I feel — Gone ! excellent little woman — 
 it would be a glorious thing for the world if all godmothers 
 would take pattern by you — never come till they're called — - 
 then give one a handsome present and vanish. Some one 
 approaches. 
 
 Re-enter Myrtilla, rimning. 
 
 Myrt. Prince Riquet ! Prince Riquet ! {she runs close past 
 him, without perceii'ing him) 
 
 RiQ. She sees me not — there's virtue in this cloak indeed !. 
 (aloud) Myrtilla ! (Myrtilla screams and turns) 
 
 Myrt. What's that ? who spoke ? 
 
 RiQ. I, your friend — Prince Riquet. 
 
 Myrt. Mercy on me, I can see nothing — I shall faint,, 
 and there's nobody to catch me. 
 
 RiQ. Be not alarmed 
 
 Myrt. I can't help it, you have made all my teeth 
 chatter. 
 
 RiQ. Not I, child ; that's a trick they learnt of your 
 tongue. 
 
 Myrt. Where are you ? 
 
 RiQ. Never mind where I am; where is the Princess^ 
 Emeralda, and how have you prospered with her for me ? 
 
 Myrt. I've no time to tell you, she is coming this way 
 with your rival, Prince Finikin. 
 
 RiQ. She is ! Then go and leave me. 
 
 Myrt. Oh dear, oh dear ; I don't know which way to go, 
 and I don't know whether I leave you or not. 
 
 {Exit Myrtilla)
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 231 
 
 RiQ. She comes, indeed ; now mantle, be my friend. 
 
 My rival's suit shall have a speedy end. {retires) 
 
 Enter Princess Emeralda, /V^ri'f^ l>y Prince Finikin. 
 
 Fin. Turn, lady fair, vouchsafe thy slave a word, 
 Or see him fall upon his own good sword. 
 Emer. I don't know what to say. 
 RiQ. {who has come betiveen the?n, aloud, and in ecstasy) 
 
 She speaks. 
 Emer. {starting) O dear— 
 
 You needn't talk so close, sir, in my ear. 
 Fin. Who ! I ? — most beauteous object of my choice, 
 
 I breathed no sound. 
 RiQ. {in his ear) _ You did. 
 
 Fin. Why change that voice 
 
 So silver sweet ? 
 Emer. WTiat do you mean by change? 
 Fin. Nay, now 'tis as before. How very strange [ 
 But give in any tone a kind reply — 
 Dost love me ? 
 Emer. Not a bit. 
 Fin. But will you try ? 
 
 'Twere easy, sure, with me in love to fall. 
 What think'st thou of me ? 
 Emer. I don't think at all. 
 Fin. Dost not admire me ? 
 Emer. I admire your dress. 
 Fin. Wilt marry me ? 
 
 RiQ. {aside to her) For mercy, don't say "yes ! " 
 Emer. Well then, I won't. 
 Fin. Refused ! let me be cool, 
 
 I came not hither to be made a fool. 
 RiQ. {to him) No, you come ready made. 
 Fin. Insulted ! Zounds ! 
 
 Madam, I must say this exceeds all bounds. 
 Emer. What ails the man ? I never moved or spoke. 
 Fin. No doubt your highness thinks it a fine joke, 
 In a feigned voice, to say the things you do. 
 But, princess, I will change my tone with you ; 
 {putting on his hat) And shall report your words to your 
 papa.
 
 232 
 
 RIQVET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 RiQ. {knocks his hat off) In presence of a lady, chapeau bas! 
 
 Fin. Confusion ! 
 
 Emer. There's your hat off! Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 Trio — Finikin, Riquet, mid Emeralda — French Air. 
 
 Fin. Madam, you this deed shall rue, 
 
 To your court I bid adieu. 
 I'll declare war, I swear ; 
 Blood shall flow for this affair ! 
 Strike a man of my degree. 
 Dearly this shall answered be ! 
 From my head, dash my hat ! 
 Heads themselves shall fall for that ! 
 Emer. What's the matter now, sir ? 
 
 'Twasn't me I vow, sir. 
 
 If your hat tumbles flat. 
 
 What have I to do with that ? 
 
 Go and war declare, sir. 
 
 What d'ye think I care, sir. 
 
 I shall tell my papa, 
 
 I won't have you — ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 Fin. Madam, you, &c. 
 
 Emer. Sir, 'tis you this rage shall rue. 
 
 To our court, pray bid adieu, 
 
 Go, declare war, I care 
 
 Nothing for your angry air, 
 
 My papa shall let you know 
 
 What it is to use me so. 
 
 If your hat tumbles flat, ^ 
 
 What have I to do with that ? 
 RiQ. {ande) It will do ! Yes, it will do ! 
 
 To the court he bids adieu, 
 
 Go declare war, I SAvear, 
 
 You shall have enough to spare, 
 
 What ! an empty coxcomb see. 
 
 Threaten one beloved by me ? 
 
 Had your head been worth your hat, 
 
 It had fallen instead of that ! j 
 
 {Exit Finikin) 
 
 Emer. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 RiQ. Ha! ha! ha! 
 
 ^ 
 
 i- 
 

 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 23; 
 
 E.MER. O dear me 1 what's that ? (looking about) I hear 
 a laugh close to me, and yet I can't see anybody. 
 
 RiQ. Lovely princess, be not alarmed, a friend is near 
 you who is most anxious for your welfare. 
 
 E.MER. (curtseying) Thank you, sir, but you have the 
 advantage of me. 
 
 RiQ. And I must keep it now, or lose it for ever. 
 
 E.MER. I don't understand what that means, and so, if 
 you please, I shall wish you a good morning. (going) 
 
 RiQ. Nay, leave me not thus, I have something of im- 
 portance to communicate to you. 
 
 E.MER. Oh, but they tell me, things of importance are too 
 much for my head, (going) 
 
 RiQ. My communication is for your heart. 
 
 E.MER. (returning) Oh, they haven't told me anything 
 about that. 
 
 RiQ. It is in your power to become as sensible as you are 
 beautiful. 
 
 E.MER. Am I beautiful, then ? 
 
 RiQ. Assuredly you are. 
 
 Emer. And am I not sensible ? 
 
 RiQ. Not even of your own beauty: an incredible dulness 
 in woman. 
 
 Emer. I should like to know how beautiful I am, can you 
 make me sensible ? 
 
 RiQ. I can. 
 
 Emer. Then you must be a conjuror. Oh, how I should 
 like to see you. 
 
 RiQ. I fear you would not. 
 
 Emer. But I'm sure I should. 
 
 RiQ. What makes you sure of that ? 
 
 Emer. You speak so kindly to me, I like your voice, and 
 I'll lay a wager I should like you. 
 
 RiQ. Would the stake was your heart, and I could win it. 
 
 Emer. Where have you hid yourself ? Let me see you ! 
 
 RiQ. Suppose I should be ugly ? 
 
 Emer, You cannot be so ugly as that horrid himchback 
 who came here to-day ; papa says he was (luite a monster. 
 
 RiQ. Let us confine ourselves to the principal point. 1 )o 
 you sincerely wish to become sensible? 
 
 E.MER. Yes.
 
 234 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 RiQ. There is but one way — you must promise to marry 
 me. 
 
 Emer. And will that be the last foolish thing I shall do ? 
 
 RiQ. No, the first wise one. 
 
 Emer. Well, then, I will marry you. 
 
 RiQ. With this kiss, then, I relieve thee from the bondage 
 of folly, (/('m^^ Emeralda) {Gong sounds) 
 
 Emeralda seems rooted to the spot. Riquet slowly exit, as 
 charactei's rush on — Hurried music — The Grand Duke, 
 Myrtilla, Chamberlain, and the whole Court, Guards^ 
 c^c, enter in confusion. 
 
 Trio and Chorus — Myrtilla, Grand Duke, and Grand 
 Chamberlain — " // Barbio^e." 
 
 Mute and immoveable behold her here ! 
 What can have come to thee ? ( daughter ) _, 
 speak — ( lady ) 
 
 Emer. Fears to earth my feet are pinning, 
 Round my giddy head is spinnin 
 
 a 
 &■ 
 
 Life as if but now beginning 
 Crowding thoughts my soul confound ' 
 
 (Thunder heard) 
 
 Chorus. What an awful peal of thunder ! 
 As though heav'n was rent asunder ! 
 Filling all with fear and wonder. 
 Rolling still I hear it round ! 
 
 Emeralda sinks into the arms of the Grand Duke. 
 
 Tableau.
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 235 
 
 Scene Fourth. — A romantic view of the garden^ 
 
 grottos, ^c. 
 
 Enter Grand Duke mid Duchess. 
 
 Duke. Ourself is thunderstruck ! most wondrous case. 
 DucH. The girl is changed completely — moves with 
 grace, 
 
 Talks common sense. 
 DuKE. Uiicommon sense I say. 
 DucH. Sings. 
 
 Duke. With a voice — remember that, love, pray ! 
 DucH. And is so altered from the fool we thought her, 
 
 That no one now would take her for your daughter. 
 Duke. Prince Finikin his haste will now re])ent. 
 DucH. She comes this way — on something she's intent. 
 Duke. A book is in her hand — my hopes exceeding ; 
 
 I shouldn't be surprised if she were reading. 
 
 Enter Emeralda. 
 
 My darling daughter, whence this hapi)y change ? 
 Emer. What change, dear sir? 
 Duke. What change ? How very strange. 
 
 Ar'n't you aware that a few hours ago 
 
 You were — that is, folks said — pshaw ! stuff, you know. 
 Emer. Not I, indeed. 
 DuCH. To hide it where's the use. 
 
 This morning, child, you were a simple goose. 
 Duke. And now you're quite a duck ! Oh, tell us pray, 
 
 Where learnt you to say — what they say— you say. 
 Emer. I know not, sir — I only know I seem 
 
 As just awakened from some troubled dream. 
 
 But if I'm changed, and with your approbation, 
 
 I'll try to keep {curtseying) from further alteration. 
 
 ^/r— Emeralda— " The light of other days." 
 
 The dream of other days has faded, 
 
 Its misty clouds are ])ast— 
 My path too long ])y folly shaded. 
 
 Is clear and bright at last !
 
 236 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 The sun of reason o'er it rising, 
 
 Sheds forth its cheering rays, 
 And my mind the new born splendour prizing. 
 
 Makes Hght of other days ! 
 The world itself they say is bright'ning, 
 
 An age of darkness flies. 
 The torch of knowledge fast as light'ning, 
 
 O'er earth and ocean hies ! 
 How many shrinking from its burning, 
 
 Regret their old dark ways, 
 And would fain behold that gloom returning, 
 
 Called " light " in other days ! 
 
 Duke. Grand Duchess, I shall go with rapture wild. 
 
 DucH. Prince Finikin do you remember, child ? 
 
 Emer. No, madam. 
 
 Duke. Do remember, if you can. 
 
 You saw him once, a pretty little man ! 
 He has been doubly struck, if he says true. 
 First by your portrait, love — and then by you. 
 
 DuCH. He sought your hand. 
 
 Duke. And got it. 
 
 DucH. Duke, for shame. 
 
 Emer. I trust he'll pardon me, I was to blame. 
 
 Duke. He'll be too happy, if you'll be his bride. 
 
 Emer. Sir, 'tis my duty, if you so decide. 
 
 Duke, {to Duchess) Let's seek the Prince, and tell him 'tis 
 expedient, 
 That he return — my daughter's most obedient. 
 Should he be gone, I will despatch a letter. 
 To say she's changed her mind — and got a better. 
 
 {Exeimt Duke and Duchess) 
 Ejier. Prince Finikin then is to be my husband. Is he 
 
 young, handsome ; above all accomplished ? Should he be 
 
 otherwise 
 
 Enter Myrtilla. 
 
 Myrt. {aside) There she is, and alone ; I declare Fm all 
 in a twitter still. She's bewitched to a certainty, and I'm 
 not quite sure that I ar'n't too. {aloud) Madam! 
 
 Emer. Myrtilla.
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 237 
 
 Myrt. Your highness does know me then ; I thought you 
 had forgotten everything. 
 
 Emer. I have not forgotten you at any rate. 
 
 Myrt. The whole Court seem to have gone out of their 
 wits at the idea of your highness's having come into yours ; 
 what has made you so sensible on a sudden ? 
 
 Emer. It is a most curious thing, Myrtilla, but I can 
 answer every question that is put to me, except those whicli 
 ask me why I am able to do so. 
 
 Myrt. How very wonderful. 
 
 Emer. As I told my father, I seem to Ijave just awakened 
 from a dream. 
 
 Myrt. And now your highness's eyes are open, what are 
 you going to do ? 
 
 Emer. Why, in the first place, I'm going to be 
 married. 
 
 Myrt. Well, that is generally the first purpose for which 
 the ladies use their eyes. And to whom ? 
 
 Emer. To the Prince Finikin. 
 
 Myrt. Oh, that'll never do, I shall lose my friend Prince 
 Riquet's presents, {aloud) Does your highness mention that 
 as a proof of your sense ? 
 
 Emer. No, as a proof of my obedience only — for I have 
 no recollection of this Prince. 
 
 Myrt. Then I have, and I should say he is, with every 
 respect, and in every respect — a perfect — fool. 
 
 Emer. Fool ! 
 
 Myrt. Just so, and saving your presence, if your high- 
 ness marries him, you'll be the better half of a fool 
 yourself. 
 
 Emer. Myrtilla. 
 
 Myrt. I said the better half, madam, {aside) She says 
 nothing about Riquet. She can't have seen //////, for 
 she could never have forgotten that, {a dove flics across 
 tlie stage and drops a letter) Bless me, madam; did 
 you see ? The dove dropped a letter ; and it's addressed 
 to you. 
 
 Emer. To me ! {opens it) Verses, and signed, the 
 " invisible."
 
 238 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 Duet — Emeralda and Myrtilla — " / am conic from a 
 
 happy land.'''' 
 
 " I have sought thee beloved one 
 To give thee my heart, 
 I have made from thy mind the shade 
 Of folly depart. 
 
 Come, come, then haste with me, 
 Where love's banquet waits for thee ; 
 Mine ! mine ! oh, lady be ! 
 Heart give for heart ! 
 
 Oh love hath, like faith, a power, 
 
 Mountains to remove ! 
 
 And pain and care extinguished are 
 
 By the breath of love. 
 
 Hear, then, hear me, .sweet. 
 
 To bow'rs of joy with me retreat 
 
 Cares which here we meet, 
 
 Far, far above." 
 
 Emer. Who can it be from ? 
 Myrt. I know for a hundred. 
 Emer. Pray tell me then. 
 Myrt. Prince Riquet. 
 Emer. Riquet — who is he ? 
 
 Myrt. What, don't you remember even his name ? 
 Emer. Not in the least. 
 
 ( Voice untliin) Fairies ! Fairies ! Fairies ! work away. 
 Emer. What voice was that ? 
 
 Myrt. O lud, madam, I don't know, Fm sure I thought 
 somebody said something about fairies, {gong) 
 
 Scene opens a7id discovers a large Kitchen — Mother Bunch afid 
 Fairies cooking at various, stoves, ranges, o^c. 
 
 Chorus — Mother Bunch and Fairies — ^^ Afacbeth." 
 
 Cook away ! 
 
 No delay !— 
 Come ! come ! come ! come ! come ! 
 Come ! come ! cook away !
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 ]\Iyrt. Run, madam, run ! I'll use my legs, or they'll devil 
 'em for somebody's supper. {Exit JNIvktilla) 
 
 M. Bunch, {coming forward) Stay, Emeralda ! do not 
 you be alarmed — I am your friend ! 
 
 Emer. What is the meaning of these preparations ? 
 
 M. Bunch. We are cooking the bridal supper of Prince 
 Riquet. 
 
 Emer. Prince Riquet again — Who is he ? 
 
 M. Bunch. Riquet with the Tuft — you should know better 
 than anybody, as you are the bride-elect. 
 
 Emer. I — mercy on me! 
 
 INI. Bunch. Yes, you promised to marry him — this very 
 morning — when you were an awkward simpleton — and 
 Riquet in return for that promise made you the intelligent 
 creature you now are. See he is here to claim the fulfilment 
 ■of your pledge. {S'^'iS) 
 
 {Trees and rocks close up) 
 
 Enter Riquet wrapped in the invisible cloak — Mother 
 Bunch crosses to corner. 
 
 Emer. Here ! where ? 
 
 RiQ. Close beside you, lovely Emeralda. 
 
 Emer. Mercy on me ! whence came that voice ? 
 
 RiQ. From the " invisible," whose verses you sang but 
 now. 
 
 Emer. And have I promised to marry somebody, not 
 only that I have never seen, but that I never can see ? O 
 dear, O dear ! I must have been foolish indeed. 
 
 RiQ. I fear you would never have promised if you had 
 seen me, and for your own sake, that promise was indis- 
 pensable. 
 
 Emer. What are you then ? A spirit ! 
 
 RiQ. No, a mortal like yourself — that is — when I say like, 
 I mean as regards the mortality — for I haven't the face to 
 say it in any other respect. 
 
 Emer. You are nobly born ? 
 
 RiQ. A prince — rich and powerful. 
 
 Emer. Accomplished ? or you could not have made 
 me so. 
 
 RiQ. If I have not wit enough to win your heart, I shall 
 break my own.
 
 240 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 Emer. Brave, of course ? 
 
 RiQ. I never knew fear till now. 
 
 Emer. {aside) Well, so far, I have not made so rash a 
 promise, {aloud) Tolerably good-looking ? 
 
 RiQ. Intolerably otherwise ; and that's the plain truth. 
 
 Emer. Indeed ! Oh, no, you are jesting. 
 
 RiQ. There never was a more serious fact. It is, there- 
 fore, prudence which kept me invisible till you had sense 
 enough not to trust to your eyes alone. 
 
 Emer. As that time has arrived, why not let me see you 
 straight? 
 
 RiQ. Straight f That's impossible; but see me you shall, 
 for I have too much honour to insist upon your completing 
 a blind bargain — only let it be by degrees; suffer me, while 
 prudence is yet necessary, to place a bandage over your 
 eyes, which you can remove little by little, and so become 
 gradually accustomed to a person who, at first sight, might 
 appear hideous. 
 
 Emer. Well, if you are bent upon it. 
 
 RiQ. I am bent particularly, {he binds her eyes) 
 
 Emer. But I am sure you are making mountains out of 
 mole-hills. 
 
 RiQ. On the contrary. I have two mountains of which I 
 would fain make mole-hills, one on my back, and the other 
 on my left eye. {throiving off his cloak) 
 
 Emer. Ah ! (putting her hands up to lift the bandage) 
 
 RiQ. Not yet — for mercy's sake not yet-^one moment, let 
 me summon up courage to give the word — O godmamma 
 Bunch, what will she say to me ? one look will settle the 
 business. 
 
 M. Bunch. Courage, courage, boy. 
 
 Emer. O lud, I declare I begin to be frightened myself 
 
 M. Bunch. And you too, Emeralda ; take heart, and 
 employ the reason Riquet has given you. What is the value,, 
 after all, of mere personal appearance ? 
 
 Emer. Well, am I to lift the bandage ? 
 
 RiQ. Yes ; but very slowly. 
 
 Emeralda raises the bandage by degrees, occasionally 
 starting as she obtains a view of his figure, till her 
 eyes meeting his face, she utters a cry of horror, which
 
 & 
 
 EIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 241 
 
 makes him suddenly turn from her, and shew the hump 
 upon his back, at which she screa?ns, and covers herjace with 
 her hands. 
 
 RiQ. I told you so, godmother. It's all over with me. 
 
 M. BuN'CH. Pshaw, are you as silly as she used to be ? 
 speak to her. 
 
 RiQ. Emeralda ! I perceive my fate, you no longer con- 
 sent to marry me. 
 
 Emer. Marry you ! 
 
 RiQ. I gave you reason, Emeralda, I thought, to treat me 
 more kindly. 
 
 Emer. My gratitude is due to you for that. 
 
 Rig. But your love, Emeralda, 'tis that alone can make 
 me happy, nay, remove the defects of person under which 
 I now labour. 
 
 E:^iER. I pity thee. 
 
 RiQ. Pity is akin to love, but it has not its magic power, 
 I love you, Emeralda, adore you ! loved you when you were 
 graceless, mindless^and should love you now, were you 
 even the plainest of your sex. 
 
 EiMER. I wish, for your sake, I could say as much — you 
 seem to possess an elegant — nay, a noble mind. 
 
 RiQ. Can you not see my visage in my mind ? 
 
 Emer. I'm afraid it wouldn't look very handsome any- 
 where. 
 
 RiQ. Pleasant, godmamma — isn't it ? 
 
 M. Bunch. Courage, courage, she listens at any rate. 
 
 RiQ. Well, egad, she does do that. 
 
 Air — Rk^uet — French Air. 
 
 Well I know my form and my features 
 Are not made thy breast to warm. 
 Loveliest thou of mortal creatures, 
 I, devoid of every charm. 
 But I trust I still may suit thee — 
 Marriage hath power divine — 
 None can e'er dispute thy beauty. 
 Wed me — and then thy beauty's mine. 
 
 Emer. (aside) What a pity he's so very hideous ; his 
 manners are truly agreeable. 
 
 R
 
 242 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT 
 
 RiQ. Come, godmamma : I think we made a move then ; 
 charming Emeralda, if you could but love me a little — ever 
 so little, just to begin with, perhaps in time 
 
 Emer. Aye, aye, " if." 
 
 RiQ. Well, I said "if," and time is not much of a 
 beautifier in general, so hang it, love me at once, and you 
 have no notion how it would improve my appearance. 
 
 M. Bunch. Remember, Emeralda, how much you are 
 indebted to Riquet. Love is often born of gratitude. — 
 Come, we will wait in this grotto your decision. 
 
 Sings — " O list 671 to the voice of love." 
 
 {Exit Mother Bunch with Riquet, into grotto) 
 
 Enter the Grand Duke, Duchess, Prince Finikin, and 
 Grand Chamberlain. 
 
 Duke. Daughter, behold the prince who claims your hand ; 
 
 His merits now you've sense to understand. 
 Fin. {to Emeralda) Long cherished idol, thy adorer see ; 
 Oh, look not on the ground, but look on me ! 
 Yet, no ; in mercy — do not raise those eyes. 
 Lest, in their light, thy dazzled lover dies. 
 What mortal can be proof against their rays ; 
 My heart ! my soul's on fire ! I burn ! I blaze. 
 Emer. Oh Riquet ! Riquet ! you are ugly to be sure, but 
 w much superior. 
 FiNi. Riquet ! 
 
 Duke. Why, that's the cursed hunchback that frightened 
 me out of my presence chamber. 
 
 Duch. Remember, Emeralda, you but now promised us 
 to wed Prince Finikin. 
 
 Emer. A previous promise which I had forgotten, madam, 
 renders that impossible. 
 All. Impossible ! 
 
 Duke. Impossible ! It really seems to me as if she meant 
 to say it couldn't be. 
 
 Emer. Pardon me, my dear father ; but it is to Riquet I 
 am indebted for every accomplishment I now possess, and 
 he alone has a right to my hand.
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 243 
 
 Air — Emeralda — " Zampa.'''' 
 
 Love, thy laws we must obey ! 
 
 My heart in vain would fly thee ; 
 All who live must own thy sway, 
 
 'Tis folly to defy thee ! 
 
 Though bards proclaim thee reason's foe, 
 To thee alone I reason owe. 
 
 Yes, believe the tale I tell. 
 Too oft they have belied him. 
 
 Love will ever longest dwell 
 Where reason lives besides him ! 
 Riquet, Riquet, no more repine. 
 My hand and heart are thine ! 
 
 Enter Riquet and Mother Bunch, from grotto. 
 
 DuKK The girl's bewitched : marry that horrid fright. 
 Emer. He does appear revolting at first sight \ 
 
 But when you see the beauty of his mind, 
 Much less distortion in his form you'll find. 
 And when you know the kindness of his heart. 
 All ugliness will from his face depart. 
 Yes, dear Riquet, your noble soul I prize. 
 And love makes you perfection in my eyes. 
 
 {gong and music — Riquet's deformities disappear) 
 RiQ. Though I praised humps when others used to flout 
 them. 
 Perhaps, after all, I'm just as well without the m. 
 M. Bunch, (to Myrtilla) To Emeralda is due the merit 
 of this transformation ; love has power to embellish the 
 ugliest of mortals, but virtue and talent can alone render 
 the most beautiful happy. Come all with me ; to Queen 
 Mab's court repair. 
 
 Scene changes to the Palace of Queen Mab, in Fairy Lafid — 
 Queen Mab and Fairies discovered — T/ie Queen loel- 
 comes the characters, who retire to their seats, while Queen 
 Mab introduces the Denizens of Fairy Land. 
 
 r 2
 
 244 RIQUET niTH THE TUFT. 
 
 Queen, Children of clay, we bid you welcome here. 
 Behold the choicest spirits of our sphere ; 
 Valiant the Jack the Giant queller, 
 Rests him in our blooming bower. 
 
 Air — " See the conquering hero.'''' 
 
 Jack enters with Giaiifs head, and salutes Queen. 
 
 Queen. Crystal slipper'd Cinderella 
 
 Fears no more the midnight hour. 
 
 Kiv.—'-'' Non piu mesta'" — " Cetierentola." 
 
 Cinderella, Prince, Page, and Sisters e7iter, and per- 
 form the slipper business. 
 
 Queen, On Little Red Riding Hood, no greedy wolf can 
 sup, 
 So pull the bobbin fearlessly, and let the latch 
 go up. 
 
 Air — ^' Rose d^ amour." 
 
 Efiter Little Red Riding Hood — Offers pot of honey, &'c., 
 to Mab, and curtseying retires. 
 
 Queen, Beauty and her Princely Beast, 
 Grace the ball, and share the feast. 
 
 Air — " Love amongst the roses." 
 
 Enter Beauty, followed by Beast — He declares his love, she 
 at first repulses, then pities and accepts liivi, and he changes 
 to Prince ; they retire. 
 
 Queen. With us knightly Valentine 
 
 And his brother, forest bred. 
 Share the fairies' festal wine, 
 And the fairies' measure tread, 
 
 {Music from the melodrama of"' Valeiitine and Orson'')
 
 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 245 
 
 Enter Valentine and O^zo^— Business afforest scene, shield 
 and tope, e-r. — They retire. 
 
 Queen. Models of the race feline, 
 
 Puss in Boots, delicious rogue, 
 White cat, fond and feminine, 
 Swell the fairy G?/-alogue. 
 
 Air— "Z>/«^"- dong bell, Fussfs in the well." 
 
 Enter White Cat, preceded by Puss in Boots— they march 
 round the stage, offer homage to Mab, and inarcJmig back 
 again, stand. 
 
 Queen. See, the Seven Champions brave, 
 
 Though on earth their race be run ; 
 Here their honoured banners wave ; 
 Here they wear their laurels won. 
 
 Grand March. 
 
 Enter the Six Champions — St. George eiiters, welcomes 
 them, they wave their banners, form in a line, and march 
 round. 
 
 Queen. Come, Riquet, and join our band, 
 Denizen of Fairy Land. 
 
 Finale — {The characters come foriuard) 
 
 Air — Emerald A — " The Old English Gentleman.''^ 
 
 Old friends, Fvc the old prayer to make, before it is 
 
 too late, 
 With your old kindness please to view this change in 
 
 our old state, 
 Our old mythology, we thought, was getting out of 
 
 date. 
 And so we've left Olympus old, and all its gods so 
 
 great. 
 For a fine old English fairy tale, all of the olden lime !
 
 246 RIQUET WITH THE TUFT. 
 
 Now winter old brings frost and cold, we open house 
 
 to all, 
 For while we strive to please the large, we don't 
 
 forget the small. 
 Then " boys and girls come out to play," in answer to 
 
 our call 
 And with a good old English cheer, oh, let our curtain 
 
 fall, 
 Upon this old English fairy tale, all of the olden time.*' 
 
 Chorus. Upon this old English, &c. 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 * See Preface.
 
 r- 
 
 Mii..l.«i.il.l.l.,il,™l.,„„|„,
 
 PUSS IN BOOTS; 
 
 Alt Original, Comical, Magical, Mew-sical, Fairy 
 
 Burletta, 
 
 IN ONE ACT, 
 
 Founded upon the well-known Tale of that extraordinary Animal, as 
 
 unfolded by the best authorities. 
 
 First performed at Madame Vestrls' Royal Olympic Theatre, 
 December 26, 1837.
 
 [ 249 ] 
 
 PUSS IN BOOTS. 
 
 Encouraged by the success of " Riquet," this, our second 
 incursion into Fairy-land was cordially authorised by the 
 management, and in the part of Puss, Charles Mathews was 
 much more at home than in that of the princely and 
 chivalrous hunchback. 
 
 There is nothing to call for any especial observations of 
 mine respecting the production of the piece, which met 
 with the same favourable reception as its predecessors ; but 
 there are two or three names in the cast that appear for 
 the first time in these holiday entertainments which cannot 
 be passed over in silence. The Ogre, converted by us into 
 an Hibernian, was personated by John Brougham, subse- 
 sequently so popular in Irish characters, and the author of 
 " Playing with Fire" and other dramas, as well as the 
 coUaborateur of Boucicault in the celebrated comedy of 
 " London Assurance." 
 
 Another name is that of the beautiful and ill-fated Emma 
 Cecilia Murray, " done to death " in the prime of her life 
 and the height of her popularity by conduct which has only 
 escaped exposure and execration from a reluctance to 
 inflict pain on those who are not only innocent of all 
 complicity in the guilt, but most probably ignorant of its 
 perpetration.
 
 2SO J^C/SS IN BOOTS. 
 
 Miss Murray, as she was known to the profession, was, I 
 have every reason for believing, the natural daughter of a 
 gentleman well known in fashionable circles when " George 
 the Third was king," as the handsome Butler Danvers, by a 
 Belgian lady, who in her old age retained unmistakable 
 traces of " beauty once admired." I pass over that portion 
 of her daughter's sad history which preceded her introduc- 
 tion to the stage, which was in the season of 1832-33, when 
 she made her first appearance at the Olympic in my one-act 
 comedietta, "A Daughter to Marry," originally produced at 
 the Haymarket in 1828. Though a perfect novice, having 
 only received some half-dozen lessons from Miss Fanny 
 Kelly (the celebrated actress, who had constructed a small 
 theatre at the back of her house. No. 73, Dean Street, Soho, 
 now known as "The Royalty"), I discerned so much 
 natural ability in her performance that I oifered Madame 
 Vestris to write a little vaudeville expressly for her, and 
 having obtained permission to do so, on the iSth of 
 February, 1833, I produced a one-act vaudeville, entitled 
 " Promotion, or a Morning at Versailles in 1750," in which 
 Miss Murray sustained the character of Madame De la Garde 
 with much grace and intelligence. 
 
 At the close of the season she was engaged by Mr. 
 Arnold at the Adelphi, and made an admirable Anne Bullen 
 in my adaptation of Herold's opera, " Le Pre aux Clercs." 
 Gradually rising in her profession and increasing her favour 
 with the public under the management of Bunn at Drury 
 Lane, she rejoined the Olympic company in 1836, the date 
 we have now arrived at.
 
 PUSS /iV BOOTS. 251 
 
 Three years afterwards she retired from the stage on a 
 
 small income, and resided for a brief period in the north of 
 
 France, but the sudden and most unjustifiable withdrawal 
 
 of that income, leaving her destitute— a shock from which 
 
 she never thoroughly recovered — compelled her to return 
 
 to England and her profession. She was cordially welcomed 
 
 back to it by Mr. and Mrs. C. Mathews, and remained with 
 
 them to the end of the season and of their lesseeship of 
 
 Covent Garden. Her last original part was Cleopatra in 
 
 Selby's farce, " Anthony and Cleopatra," but after bravely 
 
 struggling against increasing bodily and mental suffering, 
 
 she succumbed to a sudden and violent attack of peritonitis, 
 
 the result of continual agitation and anxiety, and died at her 
 
 lodgings in Upper Berkeley Street West, Connaught Square, 
 
 to the great regret, not only of her private friends, but of 
 
 all who had been associated with her in her profession, to 
 
 whom she had endeared herself by the sweetness of her 
 
 disposition, the charm of her manner, and her general 
 
 exemplary conduct.
 
 FC/SS IN BOOTS. 253 
 
 DRAMATIS PUR-SON^. 
 
 Pumpkin the Pompous (King of a large Island — 
 
 formerly in the British Channel) Mr. J. Bland 
 
 Baron Bagshot (Great Grand Huntsman and 
 
 Lord High Gamekeeper) Mr. Stoker 
 
 KiLLMAXY O'GOBBLE KiLLMORE (a great Irish 
 
 C-gre) Mr. Brougham 
 
 KiTCHENSTUFF (his Cook) Mr. WyMAN 
 
 Richard I ("Two pretty men "—Nephews of f Mr. Selby * 
 Robin j Grist the Miller, under-ground) \ Mr. Ireland 
 
 Ralph [soi-disant Marquis of Carabas — their 
 
 younger Brother) Madame Vestris 
 
 Puss in Boots Mr. Chas. Mathews 
 
 Chamberlain Mr. Kerridge 
 
 Falconer Mr. T. Ireland 
 
 The Princess Rosebud Miss Lee 
 
 Arietta ^ f Miss Crisp 
 
 Chatterina I (^s'^ ^^^'^'s o*" s ^^^^ Hudson 
 
 \^HAii£,K.iiNA > Honour) ) (Her First Appearance on this Stage) 
 
 Skipperella j V Miss Murray 
 
 The Fairy Felina MissDowroNt 
 
 The Maid OF THE Mill Miss Goward 
 
 Courtiers, Pages, Servants, Guards, Reapers, Gleaners, Hop-pickers, 
 
 Wood-cutters, Millers, &c., by Messrs. Hitchinson, Jackson, Hughes, 
 
 Field, Connell, Pinsent, Davis, &c. ; Mesdames Jackson, Lane, 
 
 Brookes, Beresford, &c. 
 
 The Ca^acoustical Effects arranged by Mr. W. Penson. 
 
 The C^Aagraphical ditto by Mr. Marshall and Assistants. 
 
 The Ca/-skin and other Dresses ///r-nished by Miss Glover, Miss 
 Ikadley, and Assistants. 
 
 The Ca^a-Mountain, &c., made pur-puss-\y by Mr. Mackintosh and 
 
 Mr. Bradwell. 
 
 * Charles Selby, author of seveial very successful dramas. 
 
 t Daughtei of the fine old comedian of that name, for many years a prlncipul 
 member of the company at the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane.
 
 254 ^^SS IN BOOTS. 
 
 C^r-ALOGUE OF SCENERY. 
 
 i.—THE MILL. 
 
 How the Miller died, and left his Three Nephews behind him ; and 
 how he left his property. 
 
 "Reading of the Will"— not after ?Fz7-kie ! 
 
 2.— THE P A LA C E. 
 
 How the Maids of Honour conducted themselves in the absence of the 
 Princess, and how they were summoned to the Palace Court. 
 
 Z.—THE ROYAL COURTYARD. 
 
 How Puss in Boots brought a Present of Game to the King from his 
 
 Master the Marquis of Carabas. How the Marquis began to make a 
 
 splash in the world ; and how he preferred the King's suit to his own, 
 
 and his ozvtt to the Princess's ! 
 
 4.— THE KING'S HIGHWAY. 
 
 A very moving Scene ! being a Panorama ! (painted by Mr. W. Marshall) 
 
 which the Manager of the Theatre trusts will at Last Work Pretty Well. 
 
 How Puss in Boots appears to get on, and how he serves his Master, 
 
 singing at the same time, 
 
 " THE VENETIAN FUR-LANA," with a Running Accompaniment. 
 S.—THE OGRE'S CASTLE. 
 
 How Puss gets in, and meets the Cook getting out! 
 
 6.— THE OGRE'S HALL. 
 
 How the Ogre hires Puss as Cook, and how the Cat eat-ers for him. 
 How the Marquis becomes Lord of the Castle, and generously lets the 
 Cat out of the Bag ; and how a Terrible Ca/-astrophe is prevented 
 
 by the 
 
 ARRIVAL OF THE FALRY FELLNA, 
 
 Mounted on a CaAa- Mountain ! 
 
 How the Piece terminates ; and how everybody hopes to " Live 
 happy ever afterwards ! "
 
 [ ^55 ] 
 
 PUSS IN BOOTS. 
 
 Scene First. — The Mill, and landscape — Shed 7vith a 
 
 donkey in if. 
 
 Enter separately Millers with sacks, and Neighbours ; 
 they place sacks by the Mill-door. 
 
 Round — " WJien the wind l?lo7C's" — " Afiller and his Men" 
 
 Bishop. 
 
 Ill the wind blows 
 
 (Ev'ry one knows) 
 
 That brings no good to any ; 
 
 Round as it chops, 
 
 Some luck it drops, 
 
 To one, at least, out of the many. 
 
 Enter front Mill, Ralph, then Richard and Robin, rubbing 
 their eyes and gapifig. 
 
 Ral. Richard and Robin, you're two pretty men 
 To lie a-bed thus till the clock strikes ten ! 
 Our friends have come to hear the will we've found. 
 Made by our uncle Grist — now under ground. 
 
 Rob. Ay, death at last has sacked the miller's dust. 
 
 {All Neighbours listen) 
 
 Rich. We'll die some day or other, all men must ; 
 So where's the use of grieving ? Here's his will : 
 And as we said but now — It is an ill 
 Wind that blows no one good — so let us see 
 What this may bring to comfort you or me 
 Who can read written hand ? 
 
 Rob. Not I.
 
 256 I^C^SS IN BOOTS. 
 
 Neigh. Nor I. 
 
 Ral. I'm not quite sure that I can, but I'll try. 
 
 {opetis the Will) 
 
 Ha ! 'Tis in verse. To his old tune I see : 
 
 " The Jolly Miller on the River Dee ! " 
 
 Sings the Will. 
 
 " I was a jolly miller once, 
 But a grave one soon shall be ; 
 So all my worldly goods I leave 
 Amongst my nephews three. 
 
 To Richard I bequeath the mill— (Rich. The mill !) 
 To Robin the old donkey ; (Rob. Oh !) 
 
 And the cat I leave to Ralph, as Re- 
 siduary legatee ! " 
 
 Rich. Left me the mill ! a good soul, by the mass ! 
 
 Rob. Left me the donkey — an old stupid ass ! 
 
 Ral. Nay, brother, you may something make of that ; 
 But what am I to do, pray, with the cat ? 
 
 Rich. Kill him, and make a fur cap of his skin. 
 
 Neighbours and friends, I beg you'll all walk in — 
 Into i>iy house. Sorrow, you know, is dry ; 
 I'll broach a cask — I wish i/iy ale to try. 
 Nunkey, I know, used famous stuff to brew : 
 Brothers, I stand upon no forms with you. 
 I shall be glad to see you, now and then. 
 If you don't come too often. Ho ! my men ! 
 Look to 7?iy guests. 
 
 Music — Exeunt into hoiise Neighbours and Millers. 
 
 Rob. Why, brother Richard, sure 
 
 You won't forget we're brothers, though I'm poor. 
 Rich. Forget you^ Robin ! that can never be ; 
 
 Whene'er I see an ass, I'll think of thee ! 
 Ral. But, brother — — 
 Rich. Oh, you want your share, Ralph, do you ? 
 
 My cook shall catch the cat, and bring him to you ! 
 
 Chord — The Fairy Felina suddenly appears beside the door 
 as an old beggar ivoman. 
 
 Rich. How now, what do you here so near 7ny door ? 
 
 i
 
 PUSS IN BOOTS 257 
 
 /4?>— Fairy — " With lotoly sidt^ 
 
 Relieve my woes, my wants distressing, 
 And heav'n reward you with its blessing. 
 
 Fairy, Good master ! charity 
 
 Rich. Away, before 
 
 My servants come, and through my mill-pond drag 
 
 you ! 
 Don't charity begin at home, you hag, you ? 
 
 {Exit Richard i?ito the house) 
 
 Air — Fairy — " Over the fiiountain." 
 
 {To Robin) Pity, kind gentleman, friend of humanity. 
 Cold blows the wind through my garments so torn ; 
 Give me some food, I beseech you, for charity, 
 Nought have I tasted since yesterday morn ! 
 
 Roe. Out of my sight, you tattered gipsy thief. 
 Go to the parish if you want relief. 
 Good-bye, Ralph ; I shall go and sell this beast, 
 And live well, while the money lasts, at least ! 
 
 {Exit Robin 7vith donkey) 
 
 Fairy {to Ralph) Good youth, I'm very hungry, weary^ 
 
 ill 
 
 Ral. Good mother, I have nothing but good will 
 
 To offer thee, and thou wouldst starve on that, 
 
 As I must do — when I have ate my cat. 
 Fairy. Eaten your cat ? 
 Ral. 'Tis all I have to eat ; 
 
 You shall dine with me — if you like cat's meat. 
 Fairy. Feel in your pocket ; sure, there's something there. 
 Ral. Not a brass farthing. Eh ! how's this ? I swear 
 
 Here's a broad piece ! Why, to be sure — you're 
 right— 
 
 The very coin I thought Fd lost last night. 
 
 And searched for everywhere, as Fm a sinner ! 
 
 Kind fortune ! Now, Dame, you shall have a dinner. 
 Fairy. Thanks, generous youth ; but think first — can you 
 spare it ? 
 
 It is your last. 
 Ral. No matter, you shall share it. 
 
 .s
 
 258 jPi/ss in boots. 
 
 You brought the luck ; besides 'twould spoil my 
 carving, 
 
 To know, while I dined, a poor soul was starving. 
 Fairy. Well said; but where's this cat of which you spoke? 
 Ral. Oh, hang the cat ! It was a sorry joke 
 
 Of uncle thus, by some strange whimsey bitten, 
 
 To die, and scratch poor Ralph off with — a kitten ! 
 
 Enter Servant 7uith basket from Mill. 
 
 Serv. Here's Tom, sir. I've had such a job to catch him ; 
 You'll go a long way. Master Ralph, to match him. 
 
 Ral. Is he so handsome ? 
 
 Serv. Handsome ! ay, and clever ! (sets down basket) 
 
 I never see'd his equal— no — not never ! 
 He's such a mouser ! Lord ! the tricks he plays 
 Them rats and mice ! Hangs up like dead some 
 
 days — 
 Sometimes amongst the meal, the cunning joker. 
 Will stretch himself as stiff as any poker ! 
 And when they venture out, like vermin silly. 
 He'll kill his hundred in less time than Billy !* 
 I've often said, if our cat could but speak, 
 He'd outwit La\\7er Ferret in a week ! {Exit Servant) 
 
 Ral. But what's all this to one without a house. 
 Who cannot want a cat to catch a mouse ! 
 
 Fairy. Come, come, my good young friend, be not 
 dejected. 
 Fortune smiles often when she's least expected. 
 Behold ! {appears as Fairy) 
 
 Ral. a fairy ! 
 
 Fairy. Banish all alarm — 
 
 O'er man I have no power, for good or harm ; 
 But cats of every kind obey my laws, 
 From Catamandoo to the Catabaws ! 
 The merits of this mouser long I've known ; 
 So, to reward the kindness you have shewn, 
 And give fair play to his address and whim. 
 My art shall make almost a man of him ; 
 
 * A dog celebrated for destroying rats, as some of my readers may 
 remember.
 
 Fl/SS IN BOOTS. 259 
 
 And if the starry book of fate speak true, 
 He shall, ere long, make quite a man of you ! 
 
 ^/V— Fairy— " Tlie Lass of Paiie's Mill:' 
 
 The cat of yonder mill, 
 So cunning, quick, and gay, 
 Shall all his wit and skill 
 In your behalf display ; 
 Until you bless the day, 
 When, by your uncle's will, 
 You only bore away 
 The cat of yonder mill ! 
 
 Ral. I'm quite content, since you espouse my cause ! 
 
 I like the cat and don't regret the clause. 
 Fairy. Apparelled as befits your new pursuits, 
 
 Rise, Tom, and take the name of Puss in Boots ! 
 
 MEW.f/<r — Puss IN Boots comes out of the basket. 
 
 Puss. My whiskers ! what a change comes o'er my dream. 
 Ral. D'ye like it, Pussy ! 
 Puss. Does a cat like cream ? 
 
 I'm quite enchanted ! 
 Fairy. Yes, of course you're that. 
 Puss. My sovereign here? O ho ! I smell a rat ! 
 Fairy. Do your boots fit you ? 
 Puss. What a pair of swells ! 
 
 I like 'em better, far, than walnut-shells. 
 Fairy. Would you have gloves ? 
 Puss. No, not at any price ! 
 
 " A cat in mittens never catches mice." 
 Fairy. Farewell, then. Please your master, you'll please 
 
 me. 
 Puss. Your pardon. There's one little point, I see, 
 
 Something that fashion may be shocked about — 
 
 Whiskers are in, I know ; but — tails are out. 
 Fairy. Hang fashion ! Y071 were made — or else we fail — 
 
 " To point a moral, and adorn a tale." 
 
 (Fairy descends through basket) 
 
 s 2
 
 26o PUSS IN BOOTS. 
 
 Duo — Ralph and Puss—" Pretty Polly, say." 
 " Beggar's Opet-a. " 
 
 Ral. Pretty Pussy, say, 
 
 Will you drive away 
 
 All blue devils which would prey 
 
 On your loving master ? 
 Puss. In this disguise, 
 
 My sharp eyes 
 
 For care's scratch, whate'er its size, 
 
 Shall find some nice court plaister. 
 
 Fondly ever, purring thus. 
 Ral. Oh ! pretty, pretty Puss. 
 
 Puss. How may I serve you, gentle master, say — 
 What d'ye want ? 
 
 Ral. Ev'rything on earth ! 
 
 Puss. Stay ! stay ! 
 
 Name what you most want, first. 
 
 Ral. I scarce know what — 
 
 If luck's put up I bid for the whole lot ! 
 
 Puss. Well, then, hear me. I heard the neighbours say„ 
 The King was coming here to hunt to-day. 
 Suppose we go to court — when there, why you 
 May please the Princess Rosebud ; if you do. 
 Marry her, and your fortune's made. 
 
 Ral. Hey-day! 
 
 'Tis now my turn, I think, to cry " Stay ! stay I" 
 JVe go to court ? — / wed a princess fair ? 
 You're building pretty castles in the air. 
 
 Puss. I'll build or find one that shall own you lord ; 
 And you may safely build upon my word. 
 As to the court, and all that sort of thing, 
 You know " A cat, sir, may look at a king;" 
 In short, take courage as I bid you do. 
 And as the lawyers say — " I'll pull you through !" 
 
 Sofig — Puss — " Galloping dreary Dun.^^ 
 
 You are my master, and I am your man, 
 Politic Puss in boots !
 
 FUSS IiV BOOTS. 261 
 
 So listen, I'll tell you a part of my plan, 
 
 Politic Puss in boots ! 
 I'll get me a bag with some parsley and bran, 
 And catch a fat rabbit as soon as I can, 
 With my haily, gaily, gambol daily, 
 RolHcking, frolicking, whiskery, friskery. 
 
 Politic Puss in boots ! 
 
 ril scamper all over his Majesty's park, 
 
 Politic Puss in boots ! 
 And frighten away all his game for a lark, 
 
 Politic Puss in boots ! 
 Then take him the rabbit, and say with an air. 
 Accept of this here, sir — instead of that hare, 
 With my haily, gaily, &c. 
 
 Of course, he'll be anxious to know who I am, 
 
 Politic Puss in boots ! 
 I'll tell him a nobleman's valet de sham. 
 
 Politic Puss in boots ! 
 Of course for this nobleman, sir, you must pass, 
 A great foreign marcjuis — my Lord Carabas — 
 With my haily, gaily, c\:c. 
 
 Then straight for the princess with love you must burn. 
 
 Politic Puss in boots ! 
 Win her and wed, and be king in your turn ! 
 
 Politic Puss in boots ! 
 First lord of the treasury then make of me. 
 And how I'll catch rats in that case you shall see, 
 With my haily, gaily, gambol daily, 
 Frolicking, rollicking, friskery, whiskery, 
 
 Politic Puss in boots! 
 
 {Exeunt Puss «/^^ Ralph) 
 
 Scene Second. — Chamber in the Palace. 
 
 Enter Arietta, Chatterina, and Skipperella. 
 Ar. Well, Chatterina.. you may talk about talking as long
 
 262 FUSS IN BOOTS. 
 
 as you please ; but how you can prefer it to singing I cannot 
 imagine, {singing) ^^?)ing\ sing! music was given," &:c. 
 
 Chat. And you may sing about singing as long as you 
 please ; but you'll never persuade me it's half as agreeable 
 as talking. 
 
 Skip. For my part, I like talking very well — but I like 
 singing better — and I like dancing more than either. 
 {pirouetting) 
 
 Chat. Stop ! stop ! — one word before you go any further. 
 Let me understand your argument. What is the first 
 position ? 
 
 Skip. This, {placing her feet in the first position) 
 
 Chat. How absurd ! Instead of replying with your 
 tongue, you answer with your toe. 
 
 Skip. I find it answer so well that I make a poi7it of it.. 
 (suiting the action to the luord) 
 
 Chat. I've heard of people talking with their fingers ; 
 but this is going to extremities ! You'll tell me next that 
 conversation can be carried on better without words than 
 with them. 
 
 Ar. Words are well enough if they're set to music 
 {sijiging) " Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear." 
 
 Skip. " Or like a fairy trip upon the gi^een." {dancing) 
 That's the best line in the song. 
 
 Chat. Very well, very well : as you like, ladies ; I give it 
 up. Go on in your own ways ; only answer my questions 
 somehow. I'm perfectly ready to hear you : indeed I'd 
 much rather, because if I were to keep on talking, and not 
 shew myself ready to listen to you, I know very well what 
 you'd say. There's Chatterina, as usual, you'd say, talk, talk, 
 talk, talk, — and nobody can get a word in : so let there be 
 an end of the argument, and please to answer the question 
 I asked more than half an hour ago, — What can be the 
 reason of our young mistress remaining so long single ? 
 
 Ar. {sifiging) " There's nobody coming to marry her, 
 Nobody coming to woo." 
 
 Chat. Not at this moment, perhaps : but she has had 
 many suitors, and always refused them. 
 Skip. She cast off two couple last week. 
 Chat. There'll be another chance for her to-day, for the
 
 J'USS IN BOOTS. 263 
 
 King is out hunting, and he generally brings some new mem- 
 bers of the hunt home with him, 
 Ar. (si/iging) " If he have luck, 
 
 He'll bring a buck. 
 
 Upon his lusty shoulders home."* {Jior?is without) 
 Chat. Talking of bucks I hear the horns. He's re- 
 turning already, 
 
 Skip. Then we must dance attendance on the Princess. 
 Chat. Here's Baron Bagshot coming from the chase 
 
 He's neither bagg'd nor shot much, by his face 1 
 
 Enter Baron. 
 
 All. Baron, good day. 
 
 Bar. Sweet ladies, how d'ye do ? 
 
 We've seen no game to-day so fair as you ! 
 
 Such beauty is a most refreshing sight. 
 All. Oh, Baron ! you are always so polite. 
 Chat. Pray tell us. Baron, what sport have you had? 
 Bar. To tell you the plain truth, ma'am, shocking bad ; 
 
 So bad that (though I grieve to spread the rumour) 
 
 His Majesty is in an awful humour. 
 
 Quartette — Rossini. 
 
 Quickly, ladies, change your faces, 
 'Twouldn't do at court, to see ye 
 Full of smiling airs and graces, 
 When the King is in the dumps. 
 No more singing, no more dancing, 
 Staidly walk instead of prancing. 
 Move about with solemn faces. 
 Mute as though you'd got the mumps. 
 Chatterina ! Skipperella ! 
 Tongue and foot alike must fetter, 
 There's an end, poor Arietta ! 
 To your re, mi, fa, sol, la ! 
 But though so wretched we 
 Must appear to be. 
 
 * From £lee in Colman's drama " The Iron Chest."
 
 264 -P^SS IN BOOTS. 
 
 Fortune will speedily 
 Treat us less cruelly ; 
 Sorrow at court will be 
 Soon out of season, 
 Music and revelry 
 Cease to be treason. 
 Once again merrily 
 We'll sing and bound, 
 Carnival keeping 
 All the year round. 
 
 Scene Third. — Court-yard of the Palace. 
 
 Tableau. 
 
 The King, Princess Rosebud, Baron, Courtiers, 
 Maids of Honour, &c., discovered — Grand flourish — 
 Chamberlain, Falconer, with hawks a}id pole, ^c. 
 
 King. Silence ! Confound your flourishing, I say ! 
 It's that which frightens all the game away, 
 I do believe ! Those poor drums ! how you whack'em ! 
 My ears have drums, you rogues, you ! Would you 
 crack'em ? 
 
 Prin. Dear father, 'tis to do you honour. 
 
 King. Stuff! 
 
 I have the honour to be bored enough ; 
 Haven't I toiled all day for nothing, child ? 
 I never knew the game so deuced wild — 
 My woods no longer hold my pheasants fickle, 
 My best preserves are in a precious pickle ; 
 The poachers have of late so much encroached. 
 The hens are snared, and all their eggs are poached. 
 Partridges fly as if the " Old One " called. 
 The hares drop off and leave the fields quite bald. 
 My land might form the subject of a sonnet. 
 There's not one head of game, nor hare upon it ; 
 In short, girl, I shall have — as I'm a sinner. 
 Nothing but fish and butchers' meat for dinner.
 
 I'USS IN BOOTS. 265 
 
 Air — King — '■^ Let gay ones and greaf'' — " Love in a 
 
 Villager 
 
 With gay ones and great, 
 
 Over hedge, ditch and gate, 
 From cover to cover we run ; 
 
 But game there is not. 
 
 We can't get a shot, 
 Where's the use of our dog and our gun ? 
 
 Ente7- an Officer. 
 
 Officer. My liege ! a person in fantastic habit 
 Has brought your Majesty a splendid rabbit. 
 
 King. A rabbit ! You don't say so ! Loyal deed ! 
 It is a meat on which we love to feed, 
 Smother'd in onions 'tis the nicest thing — 
 "A dainty dish to set before a king ! " 
 Admit him — stay — one rising doubt dispel — 
 'Tis not a Welch rabbit ? 
 
 Officer. No, Sire. 
 
 King. 'Tis well ! 
 
 Waves his hand — Music — Officer goes out, and returns 
 with Puss, tvith a wallet slung round his neck. 
 
 Puss, (kneeling to King, and taking a rabbit out of his wallet) 
 
 Most mighty Pumpkin, in my master's name, 
 
 I lay before you this rare-bit of game. 
 King. We do most graciously accept it — Here — 
 
 See that 'tis cooked immediately, my dear. 
 {Giving rabbit to Princess, who passes it to First Maid of 
 Honour, who passess it to Second, who passes it to Third, 
 who goes out ivith it, and returns immediately) 
 
 And who's your master ? Let us know, that we 
 
 May thank him for his gift right royally. 
 Puss. Sir King, I serve a noble lord, the great 
 
 Mar(}uis of Carabas. 
 King. Where's his estate? 
 
 We never heard of such a lord before ! 
 Puss. He has but newly settled on this shore, 
 
 A foreigner of most illustrious birth, 
 
 Allied to nearly all the kings on earth
 
 266 FUSS IN BOOTS. 
 
 King. He's wealthy then? 
 
 Puss. His riches are untold ! 
 
 Prin. Handsome ? 
 
 Puss. Almost too handsome to behold. 
 
 Chat. Does he talk well ? 
 
 Puss. The most amusing chat. 
 
 Skip. Dances, of course? 
 
 Puss. A Vestris quite for that! 
 
 Ar. Sings ? 
 
 Puss. Like a nightingale ! he thrills one through ! 
 
 All the Ladies. How I should like to see him ! shouldn't 
 
 you? 
 Puss. Might he present himself — he'd be too proud. 
 
 'Tis his petition. 
 King. And it is allowed. 
 
 Fetch him. 
 Puss. I'm gone. {Exit Puss) 
 
 Ar. Did you iiote that ! 
 Chat. O law ! 
 
 He wears a tail ! 
 Skip. "A demi-queue de chat." 
 
 (Puss without. — Help ! Help ! Murder ! Thieves ! Help !) 
 King. What cry is that? 
 Prin. It spoke of thieves and slaughter 1 
 King. By Jupiter ! There's some one in the water ! 
 
 Don't stand there like a pack of cold insensibles ! 
 
 Run ! give assistance ! Call my River Fencibles. 
 
 {Exejmt some Courtiers hastily). 
 
 Chorus — " O dear what ca?i the matter beT' 
 
 O dear ! What can the matter be ? 
 Dear ! dear ! what can the matter be ? 
 
 dear ! what can the matter be ? 
 Somebody's drowning, I fear ! 
 
 Arietta. 
 
 1 heard the young man call for help, for his master 
 The Marquis has met with some shocking disaster ! 
 O Gemini ! why don't those fellows run faster ? 
 The water's all over the peer !
 
 J^C/SS IN BOOTS. 267 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 O dear, what led him to it, pray ? 
 
 Dear, dear, did he try to wade through it, pray ? 
 
 Or, go, on purpose to do it, pray ? 
 
 Tell us how chanced the affair ? {E?iter Pus§) 
 
 Puss. 
 
 His lordship, while bathing where yon river flows, sir, 
 Was suddenly seized with the cramp in his toes, sir ; 
 Some rascals meanwhile ran away with his clothes, sir,. 
 He hasn't a rag left to wear ! 
 
 King. 
 
 O dear, what impropriety ! 
 Unfit for decent society ; 
 Dear ! dear ! none can deny it, he 
 Can't appear so very bare. 
 
 Chorus. 
 O dear ! what impropriety ! &:c. 
 
 Prin. But he is safe. 
 
 Puss. Of that, ma'am, there's no doubt. 
 
 King. Say, does his anxious mother know he's out ? 
 
 Puss. My liege ! she couldn't know that he was in. 
 
 King. Then, my good friend, it matters not a pin 
 About his clothes. Quick, let my pages run 
 With a coat, waistcoat, and a pair of un- — 
 In short, with everything his lordship needs. 
 
 [Exejmt Pages) 
 
 Puss. He's like a widow now, my liege— in weeds ; 
 But joy, at your great kindness, will possess him ! 
 
 King. He has been wrong'd, 'tis fit that we re-dress him. 
 
 Puss, It is the highest honour he could choose 
 To stand one moment in your royal shoes ! 
 
 King. He comes ! 
 
 Puss, Make way, there, for my lord to pass. 
 
 Officer, {ushering in Ralph, richly dressed) Room for 
 
 my lord, the Marquis Carabas !
 
 268 I'C/SS IN BOOTS. 
 
 Concerted Piece — Rossini. 
 
 Ral. Give a man but luck they say, sir, 
 In the sea fling him you may, sir ; 
 So, as if the truth to test, sir, 
 In the river I got a tumble, 
 And out thus pops your servant humble 
 In your royal raiment dress'd, sir ; 
 Here a daintier dicck to see. 
 
 King, Sir, I deem it a lucky stumble. 
 
 Which such pleasure procures for me. 
 
 By jingo, 
 
 His lingo 
 The moment he began, sir ; 
 
 So caught me. 
 
 It taught me 
 He was a nice young man, sir. 
 
 Bar, {advancing) These ladies, 
 
 Whose trade is 
 But flirting through a fan, sir ; 
 
 Their net soon 
 
 Will set soon. 
 To catch this nice young man, sir. 
 
 Ladies and Ral. Ah ! no, no, no ! there's no such luck 
 On fortune's cards for me ; 
 Ah ! no, no, no ! this fine young buck 
 For us will never be. 
 
 King, Most noble Marquis and most wealthy peer, 
 Lord {trying to recollect) bless me 
 
 Puss, {advancing) Carabas 
 
 King, {impatiently) Don't interfere ! 
 
 We have to thank you for a splendid rabbit. 
 
 Marq. I have to thank you for this splendid habit, 
 In doing which I merely do my duty. 
 
 King. Sir, your politeness equals but your beauty, 
 
 Marq. Your Majesty's most kind, but something there — 
 If I may trust my eyes — appears so fair. 
 That I should say, (your pattern, Sire, to follow) 
 Your beauty (if she is yours) beats mine hollow ! 
 
 Prin, {aside) What a particularly nice young man !
 
 FUSS /JV BOOTS. 269 
 
 King. That fellow stopped us just as we began 
 To ask where your estates lie, — tell us true. 
 Puss, (advancing) They lie in all directions. 
 
 King. So do you ! 
 
 Pray be more backward, sir, in coming forward. 
 
 Where, say you ? (/<? Marquis) 
 Marq. {Iiesitating and ccrrecti7ig himself after each word) 
 
 Eastward — westward — southward — norward.* 
 King. A roundabout reply. 
 Marq. I'm not quite clear, 
 
 I must refer to my land steward here. 
 
 {to Puss) Do tell the King where my estates are — elf. 
 
 {aside) Then I shall stand some chance to know, my- 
 self. 
 King. Well ! let him speak. 
 Puss. Your Majesty knows where 
 
 Your crown lands end ? 
 King. We do. 
 Puss. Well ! 'tis'n't there. 
 
 But take a line from thence, and drive along, 
 
 Follow your royal nose, you can't go wrong ; 
 
 For every bit of land you see before ye 
 
 Is his. 
 Marq. {aside to him) Don't lie ! 
 Puss, {aside) I do but tell a story. 
 King. What ! every bit of land in our dominions ! 
 
 We shall beg leave to take some law opinions ! 
 Marq. You'd better take your own, 'tis less expensive ; 
 
 And law can't make my lands, sir, less extensive. 
 King. There's sense in that ; but we must see the grounds 
 
 On which you found your claims. 
 Marq. The grounds ! 
 Puss, {aside) O, zounds ! 
 
 King. My coach ! We'll ride together, Marquis ! 
 Marq. {to Puss) There ! 
 
 You've overdone it ! 
 
 * A song, to the air of "Jenny Jones," was written for Madame 
 Vestris by Mathews, and introduced by her here, but afterwards 
 omitted, as it unnecessarily interrupted the action.
 
 270 FUSS IN BOOTS. 
 
 Puss. No, no,^ — don't despair ! 
 
 Make some excuse — no matter what — to stay him ; 
 I'll manage all if you can but delay him. 
 
 Marq. Too proud, my liege, you and your lovely daughter 
 To entertain ; but I've been in the water, 
 And now I'm dry, nay, hungry, if you please, 
 And first should like a crust of bread and cheese. 
 
 King. I'm hungry too ; so if the rabbit's done, 
 
 Suppose we dine at once. It's half-past one — 
 We'll make an early meal — despatch it soon, 
 And take a cool ride in the afternoon. 
 
 Marq. {to Puss) I dine with King and Princess ! 
 
 Puss, {aside to him) Mind my charge ; 
 
 Small talk to her, and to her father large. 
 
 Marq. Sweet Rosebud ! I shall die if I don't win her ! 
 
 King. Sound trumpets ! Gentlemen, let's in to dinner ! 
 
 {trumpets) 
 
 Solo a?id Chorus /ww '■'■Joan of Arc" Balfe. 
 
 Marq., &c. Hark ! the trumpet plays, come to the bower, 
 The turtle smokes in the tureen ; 
 The rabbit, immersed in a shower 
 Of onions, can scarcely be seen. 
 
 But dainties in vain they shew, 
 
 With yon fair in mine eye. 
 To other fare I say but " No ! 
 
 For her alone I sigh." 
 
 Chorus — " Hark the Trumpet^'' qt^c. 
 
 Puss in going is stopped by the three Ladies. Exeunt all 
 but Puss and the Maids of Honour. 
 
 Chat. Don't you run away — we don't dine yet, and I 
 want to have some talk with you. 
 
 Puss. Too happy, {aside) I must'n't seem in a hurry, {aloud) 
 I can talk about what you please now. When I was young 
 I could say little else but mew ; but now that I'm a man I 
 can talk beaucoup mieux.
 
 P[/SS IN BOOTS. 2 7 1 
 
 Chat. You're in the army, I presume ? 
 
 Puss. No, ma'am. 
 
 Chat. Why, you wear moustaches. 
 
 Puss. Yes, ma'am, yes ; but that's because — because I 
 ■can't help it, you see. I belong to a club, and all the mem- 
 bers are obliged to wear them. 
 
 Chat. What club ? 
 
 Puss. It's a sort of Catch Club. 
 
 Ar. What, musical ? 
 
 Puss. Very. 
 
 Ar. And where do you meet ? 
 
 Puss. We meet alternately upon each other's roof. 
 
 Skip. Upon each other's roof ! — that's quite a new step. 
 
 Puss. I beg pardon, did I say upon 1 — I meant utider. 
 
 Ar. You can sing, then ? 
 
 Puss. I can squall a little, a la Cat-oni., 
 
 Ar. Who taught you ? 
 
 Puss. Cat-alani. 
 
 Skip. And dance, too ? 
 
 Puss. I remember the time when I would have run any- 
 where after a ball. 
 
 Skip. What is your favourite dance ? 
 
 Puss. The Cat-alonian Cat-choucha, 
 
 Chat. Well, never mind about singing and dancing ; sup- 
 pose we fix upon some game to pass away the time, at which 
 we can all play ? 
 
 Ar. I'm content. 
 
 Skip. And I. 
 
 Puss. And I. What shall it be ? 
 
 Chat. " Puss in the Corner." 
 
 Puss. No, no, I don't like that. 
 
 Chat. Choose one yourself, then. 
 
 Puss. My favourite game is " Cat's-cradle." 
 
 All. Oh, no, we can't bear that ! 
 
 Chat. Come, name another from your catalogue. 
 
 Puss, (aside) Cat-alogue ! They grow personal ! {aloud) 
 Ladies, you'll allow me to remark that you are not quite 
 so polite as I should have expected Maids of Honour would 
 be. Where I was brought up, the maids were much more 
 kind to me ; — let me play as I liked, and gave me every 
 morning a great saucer full of milk — no, I don't mean that
 
 272 PUSS IN BOOTS. 
 
 — I forgot what I was talking about, {turfis from them in 
 co7ifiisioii) 
 
 Chat. A saucer full of milk ! What a strange tale — and 
 — and— « propos of tales — pray, my good sir, who's your 
 tail-or ? 
 
 Puss, {turning quickly) Eh ! — ^oh ! — ah ! — you allude, I 
 suppose, to — oh, that's nothing but — a something — which I 
 wear 
 
 Chat. In compliance with another regulation of your 
 club, I presume ? 
 
 Puss. Exactly so : it's a club-tail, {aside) How shall I 
 get away ? Ah ! lucky chance, here comes the Marquis to 
 relieve me. 
 
 Re-enter Marquis hastily. 
 
 Marq. I'm in a hobble which seems past all cure. 
 Where can my man have got to ? 
 
 {pushing aside Ladies) 
 All Three. Well, I'm sure I 
 Marq. I beg your pardon, ladies, don't abuse me. 
 
 {Exeunt Ladies) 
 I'm in a hurry, and you must excuse me. 
 {aside to Puss) The King's impatient, what is to be 
 
 done ? 
 I rather think we'd better cut and run. 
 Puss. Take to your heels ? Upon my soul you shan't ; 
 I'll find some hole to creep through if you can't. 
 
 Marq. You'll find some hole to creep through — doubtless — 
 yes. 
 
 But who's to help your master through the mess ? 
 Puss. Your faithful Puss, who never will desert you. 
 
 But lay down his nine lives ere aught should hurt 
 you. 
 Marq. What, all at once ? Alas ! my Thomas Cat, 
 
 The fates preserve thee from a lot like that. 
 
 Of nunkey's goods and chattels all bereft, 
 
 I've nothing left but 
 
 Puss. Puss. 
 
 Marq. You're right — you're left.
 
 PUSS IN BOOTS. 273 
 
 Song — " My Friend and Pitcher.''' 
 
 The wealth he own'd, his mill and store, 
 My brothers shared, for so 'twas written ; 
 To me, alas ! he left no more 
 Than this, my faithful friend and kitten. 
 
 But mortal ne'er 
 
 Had cat so rare, 
 With him 'twere hard to be grief-bitten, 
 Then add but her, I ask no more, 
 Than my sweet girl, my friend, and kitten. 
 
 Here comes that plaguy Pumpkin ! the deuce take 
 
 him ! 
 Tell me how I shall manage off to shake him ? 
 Puss. Follow my steps, as well as my advice, 
 And I'll arrange this business in a trice. 
 Marq. Enough — I trust to you ; make no faux pas, 
 But pull us through this matter with d-clat. 
 
 {flourish) 
 
 Re-enter King atid Court. 
 
 King. Our coach and horses ! 
 
 Officer. Sire, they're at the door. 
 
 Puss. May it please your Majesty, I'll run before. 
 
 You've nought to do but keep the high road straight — 
 
 'Twill lead you to his lordship's castle-gate. 
 
 {to Maids of Honour) From your sports, ladies, I am 
 no seceder, 
 
 I've only changed the game to " Follow my leader." 
 
 Chorus — From " Aiiulie, or the Love Test,'' Rooke. 
 
 Let's be mounting ! 
 
 Let's be mounting ! 
 
 Let's be mounting ! Away ! 
 We've a pretty long journey before us to-day. 
 To the land's end, to the land's end, it seems we may trot, 
 Would we see the land's end which his lordship has got ! 
 
 Marquis and Puss. 
 Let's be mounting, &c. 
 
 T
 
 2 74 J'USS IN BOOTS. 
 
 You've a pretty long journey before you to-day. 
 
 To the land's end, to the land's end, indeed you may trot, 
 
 Ere you see the land's end which | l- [ lordship has got! 
 
 {Exeunt King, Marquis, and all but Puss) 
 
 Puss. Now then to lead them on their wild goose chase, 
 And prove the thorough goodness of my race. 
 
 {Begins running— Castle moves off and Panot-ama commences^ 
 
 Song — Puss—" Vetietian Furlano." 
 
 I must scamper away, and be active and wary. 
 There's naught like a cat to look out for a squall ; 
 My master and I are both in a quandary, 
 A dairy I don't like at all. 
 
 La, la, la, &c. 
 
 Music — The Panoramic scene shews the high road, passing 
 through a varied coimtry ; villages, c^c, — and at length a 
 cornfield with Reapers at ivork — Puss ceases running 
 and the scene stops. 
 
 Ejiter Reapers. 
 
 Puss. Hark-ye, good reapers, if you don't tell the King, who 
 will shortly pass this way, that all this corn belongs to my 
 Lord Marquis of Carabas, you will be chopped as small as 
 mince-meat. 
 
 Music — ^/^^ Reapers in alarm promise obedience — The scene 
 moves on again as Puss recommetices ru?ming and singing, 
 and shortly exhibits a Hop Garden — Puss and the scene 
 stop. 
 
 Thus upon the highway it may be very pleasant 
 For some folks to gallop for so many miles ; 
 But I own I see nothing to equal at present 
 The higher way over the tiles. 
 
 La, la, la, &c. 
 
 Enter Hop-pickers. 
 Puss, {to Girls who are picking hops) Hark-ye, my little
 
 I'U'SS IN BOOTS. 275 
 
 dears ! If you don't tell the King, who will shortly pass this 
 way, that all these hop-gardens belong to the Lord Marquis 
 of Carabas, you will be chopped as small as mince- 
 meat ! 
 
 Music — The Gi^hs protiiise to obey, and the scene moves on 
 Puss rimnhig and singing, till it sheics a thich forest with 
 Wood-cutters at work — Puss and scene stop. 
 
 How provoking to think, that tho' born upon four 
 legs, 
 I've but two in which to confide, 
 If, instead of these arms, I had only two more legs, 
 They'd take two more feet at a stride. 
 
 La, la, la, &c. 
 
 Puss, {to Woodcutters) Hallo, my fine fellows ! If you 
 don't tell the King, who will shortly pass this way, that all 
 these woods belong to my Lord Marquis of Carabas, you 
 will be chopped as small as mince-meat ! 
 
 Music — Wood-cutters promise to obey — The scene moves o?i, 
 Puss running and singing, and finally discovers the Sea- 
 shore and a large picturesque Castle, with moat, drawbridge, 
 dvr., the windows of the building all blazifig from the last 
 rajs of the setting sun — The scene and Puss stop. 
 
 Faith, I'm almost done up ! I'm afraid I shall drop 
 From exhaustion, and down in the gutter come 
 spank ; 
 I wonder, I'm sure, that the river don't stop, 
 From this terrible run on its bank. 
 
 La, la, la, &c. 
 
 Puss. O ho ! this seems the island's end to be, 
 To run beyond it were " felo de se ! " 
 I have run till I'm almost out of breath. 
 And very nearly in at my own death ! 
 Therefore this place I shall take leave to stop in ; 
 There's a fine castle too — suppose I drop in, 
 And see who owns it. 'Tis the very thing 
 My master wants — at least to shew the King — 
 'Twill be hard if I can't get in, and harder, 
 ^Vhen I am in, if I don't find the larder. 
 
 {Music — Ru7is into Castle) 
 
 T 2
 
 (76 FUSS IN BOOTS. 
 
 Scene Fifth. — Gallery in Ogre's Castle. 
 
 Enter Kitchenstuff tvith a bundle in his hand. 
 
 Kit. This is an Ogre's gratitude — to be turned away at a 
 moment's warning, after so many years ' service ! It serves 
 me right for being cook to a cannibal. If I know what to do 
 I'm dished : no respectable quiet family will hire me when 
 they know where I lived last. And there are so few Ogres 
 to be found now, that I don't know where to seek another. 
 What they do with all their relations I can't guess, unless they 
 eat 'em ! I mustn't stay here, however, that's quite clear. 
 ingoing) 
 
 Enter Puss hastily, at witidow. 
 
 Puss. Here's somebody at last ! Who are you ; what are 
 you ; and where are you going ? 
 
 Kit. I'm the late cook. 
 
 Puss. What, are you dead ? 
 
 Kit. No — I'm the late cook of this establishment ; I'm 
 discharged. 
 
 Puss. Serve you right, a cook should never be late. 
 Where are you going ? 
 
 Kit. On a voyage of discovery — in search of a new 
 place. 
 
 Puss. You Cooks are always going on voyages of discovery. 
 What's your name? 
 
 Kit. Kitchenstuff. 
 
 Puss. Kitchen nonsense ! — you don't mean that ? 
 
 Kit. No, I mean Kitchen-stuff. 
 
 Puss. And what's your master's name ? 
 
 Kit. Killmany O'Gobble Killmore. 
 
 Puss. What a horrible name ! What is he ? 
 
 Kit. An Ogre. 
 
 Puss. A what ? 
 
 Kit. An Ogre. 
 
 Puss. I say, which is the way out ? 
 
 Kit. The way I'm going. 
 
 Puss. Stop a moment I must know something about this
 
 FUSS IN BOOTS. 277 
 
 master of yours. Do you mean to say that he really is an 
 Ogre ? 
 
 Kit. Yes ; a great Irish Ogre. 
 
 Puss. What ! one of those fellows that eat naughty little 
 girls and boys ? 
 
 Kit. Like oysters, by the dozen ! 
 
 Puss. The Cannibal ! and what has he discharged you 
 for? 
 
 Kit. a mere nothing. Just because a young blockhead 
 that I dressed for his dinner yesterday had no brains. Was 
 that my fault ? 
 
 Puss. Certainly not ! If I'd been his cook I'd have 
 poison'd him! 
 
 Kit. I had a great mind, but was afraid of making a 
 mess of it. 
 
 Puss. I've a great mind to try for the place, and do it 
 now. 
 
 Kit. You'd have the thanks of the whole island if you 
 succeeded, and there's millions of money in his strong 
 chest. 
 
 Puss. Then if his stomach isn't stronger than his chest, 
 I will. 
 
 Kit. I should tell you, he wears a magic ring. 
 
 Puss. Which protects him ? 
 
 Kit. I don't know that it exactly does that ; but they say 
 he can change himself into whatever animal he likes with it. 
 
 Puss. Aha ! Then I spy another chance. (Ogre 7-oars 
 withiti) What the devil's that ? 
 
 Kit. That's he roaring. He's got the gout, and is 
 boiling over with pain and passion. Let him stand till he's 
 cool ; then stir him gently ; put in a spice of flattery, by 
 way of seasoning, and serve him out as quickly as possible. 
 Puss. I'll risk one of my nine lives in this venture. 
 A cat is sure upon his legs to fall ; 
 And so, my worthy friend, here goes at all. 
 Kit. Farewell ! We may no more each other see ! 
 Puss. The Fates avert such a ^-a/astrophe ! 
 
 (^Embrace — scratches Cook, who rufis off— exit Puss)
 
 2 78 FUSS IN BOOTS. 
 
 Scene Sixth. — Hall m Ogre's Castle. 
 
 The Ogre discovered seated in his great chair of state — 
 He is very fat and gouty. 
 
 Ogre. The devil fly away now with the gout, 
 For making both my legs so mighty stout. 
 Fatter I grow each day instead of thinner, 
 Although I eat one baby less for dinner. 
 But that's my doctor's fault ; — he can't be right, 
 To baulk so elegant an appetite \ 
 I've a great mind to tear him limb from limb, 
 And with some salt and pepper swallow him ; 
 Eat him, by way of proving to the elf 
 How he'd the starving system like himself; 
 Thus giving of my quality a sample, 
 To doctors all a terrible example ! {scratch at door) 
 
 There's some one scratching yonder like a cat. 
 Come in, you brute ! — Come in, I say. Who's that ? 
 
 Enter Puss. 
 
 Puss. {remai?iing close to the door) It's only me. 
 Ogre. And who is me, say I ? 
 Puss. A person come for the cook's place to try. 
 Ogre. Approach, and don't be frighten'd at my look ; 
 
 I like my meals too well to eat my cook. 
 
 Besides, if I had been inclined to eat one. 
 
 Make yourself asy, I'd have ate my late one ! 
 Puss. Was he the worst, sir, that you ever had ? 
 Ogre. Why very nearly almost quite as bad. 
 
 Don't be alarmed. 
 Puss. I'm not, sir, in the least. 
 
 {aside) He frightens me to death, the nasty beast. 
 Ogre. Approach ! and don't 'be in a flutter, man, 
 
 Who told you of my place ? 
 Puss. The butter-man. 
 Ogre. In the first place, how long, in your last place. 
 
 Were you allowed to shew your ugly face ? 
 Puss. Born in the house, I left it not till master 
 
 Died and left me, — an unforeseen disaster.
 
 I^C/SS IN BOOTS. 279 
 
 Ogrk That sounds well. Can you stand the kitchen fire ? 
 Puss. I've sat before it, sir, for days entire. 
 Ogre. Can you dress children ? 
 Puss. That is not my trade ; 
 
 A man-cook cannot be a nursery-maid. 
 Ogre, Out, you spalpeen ! — I don't mean wash and beat 
 'em ! 
 
 Ar'n't you aware, you devil ! that I eat 'em ? 
 
 What kind of school have you been brought up at ? 
 
 " The Child's Own Book " would teach as much as 
 that ; 
 
 But people's grown such wonderful big gabies. 
 
 They doesn't know that ogres feeds on babies. 
 Puss. I beg your pardon, sir, — I quite mistook you ; 
 
 You may eat safely — all that I shall cook you. 
 Ogre. You'll find your tea and sugar, mind, young man. 
 Puss, (aside) Yes, and my milk, as usual, — where I can. 
 Ogre. I give no wages, so they're never due ; 
 
 The doctor's lowered me, — I'll hire yojc ! 
 
 And now, before you take yourself away. 
 
 I'll tell you what to send me up to-day : 
 
 You'll find a negro in the safe ; — go, take him, 
 
 Into an illigant black pudding make him. 
 
 I've lived too much, they say, on white meats lately. 
 
 And need a change of diet very greatly. 
 
 What are you staring at, you thief you — fly ! 
 Puss. That ring, 'sir. 
 Ogre. It's a beautiful cat's eye ! 
 
 You never see'd the likes on't, I'll be bound. 
 Puss. My little brother, sir, had two, that's drown'd. 
 Ogre. Drowned ! 
 Puss. Yes, in a pail — they let the water drop on him, 
 
 And then the cruel creatures put a mop on him. 
 Ogre. Your brother never had two rings like that — 
 
 It's scarcer than a tortoise-shell Tom-cat. 
 
 This ring can change me, with the greatest ease. 
 
 To any sort of animal I please;— 
 
 A lion, for example. 
 Puss. Oh ! a lion 
 
 Must be a fearful brute to cast one's eye on. 
 
 (aside) If he'd just turn himself into a mouse, 
 
 I'd pretty quickly be about his house.
 
 28o FUSS IN BOOTS. 
 
 Ogre. Stand clear, now, and I'll shew you just for fun, 
 A lion shall astound your mother's son ; 
 
 {Music — The Ogre disappears and a lion is see?i on table). 
 
 Ar'n't you astounded? 
 Puss. No — not in the least, 
 
 To see you as you now are — a great beast ; 
 
 But that a mouse or anything so small, 
 
 You can become, I can't believe at all. 
 Ogre. You can't, you fool ! 
 
 Music — The lion disappears., and a mouse is seen in its place 
 
 071 the table. 
 
 What think you of me now, sir ? 
 Puss. I think that you're a mouse — but I am a mouser! 
 
 Leaps upon mouse, and then catches it up in his mouth and 
 shakes it — Music gong — 77;^ Fairy Felina appears tipoii 
 Ogre's chair. Puss carries the mouse to her, and drops it 
 dead at her feet. 
 
 Fairy. There's a good puss. You've done a glorious deed I 
 'Tis a great catch, and shews your famous breed. 
 The ring which on this mouse's leg you see, 
 
 {taking 7ip a?id shelving mouse) 
 
 Was pilfered by a hostile sprite from me. 
 Complete your service to Felina's friend. 
 And on her aid and gratitude depend. 
 
 {Music — Fairy va?iishes through chair) 
 Puss. Here's luck ! Now, master, I my word can keep ! 
 What, ho ! ye varlets ! are you all asleep ? 
 
 {Enter fotir Servants, six Pages, arid Cook) 
 
 Rejoice ! The Ogre's dead ! and his young heir 
 Arrives to take possession ! Quick, prepare 
 A ball and banquet, which shall all surpass. 
 To welcome home the Marquis Carabas ! — 
 The King comes with him. {trumpets withoid) 
 
 Trumpets ! They approach ! 
 Run quick ! ye knaves ! and meet the royal coach. 
 
 {Music — they rtm outy
 
 jPC/SS in boots. 28 r 
 
 glorious move ! By this I check stern Fate, 
 Castle tlie King, and give my lord a mate ! 
 
 Enter Marquis. 
 
 Marq. "WTiat may this mean ? 
 
 Puss. The Marquis of Carabas is right welcome to his 
 castle. 
 
 Marq. My castle ! How have you managed it ? 
 
 Puss. I can't stop to tell you now, sir. I'm going to invite 
 his Majesty, the Princess Rosebud, and the whole court, to 
 a ball and supper. {Exit Puss) 
 
 Marq. I'm all astonishment ! 
 
 "When first I came before this castle fine, 
 
 1 little dreamed it would so soon be mine ; 
 The frowning turrets to my anxious sight 
 Appear'd to say, " You don't lodge here to-night."* 
 Suspicious, willingly, I would not be. 
 
 Yet fear this cat makes a cat's-paw of me. 
 
 {Exit} 
 
 Micsic — Re-enter V\i'i>'S>, in a rich robe, and with a white wandy 
 nsheri7ig in King, Princess, Ralph, Baron, Maids of 
 Honour, 6"r. All bow. 
 
 King. Marquis, of your vast wealth no more a doubter. 
 We own your castle is an out-and-outer. 
 
 Marq. Proud of your praise, my liege ; — but pray be 
 seated ; 
 After your ride I fear you must be heated. 
 
 (Puss ushers King to chair of state)' 
 
 King. Lord Carabas, of justice we've the bump. 
 And freely own that you're a slap-up trump. 
 {rising) Now be it known to all men that we burn 
 To make this nobleman some great return 
 For having (for it's no use words to mince) 
 Invited and received us like a prince ; 
 So as he seems to love our daughter here — 
 {aside to Princess) And to be richer far than us, my 
 dear — ■ 
 
 * " You don't lodge here to-night, Mr. Ferguson," was a cant phrase 
 at this period.
 
 282 FUSS IN BOOTS. 
 
 The match is equal, and we are content 
 
 To let him wring from us our slow consent. 
 
 She knows we always let her have her way, 
 
 When it agrees with ours; so, child, what say 
 
 You to his plea, to which we don't demur ? 
 Prin. I shall in all my best obey you, sir. 
 
 (to Marquis, and giving her hand) The breath of duty 
 fans the torch of love ; 
 
 So, Marquis, pray accept my hand 
 
 Marq. {taking it) And glove ! 
 
 Yet, hold ! although Joy's cup is at my lip, 
 
 Justice must set it down before I sip : 
 
 Your kindness to a simple unknown youth 
 
 Touches my heart, and makes me own the truth. 
 
 I'm wealthy. Sire, but neither Marquis nor 
 
 At all the kind of man you take me for. 
 
 This morning, sir, I scarce was worth a rag. 
 Puss, {aside to him) Pray, sir, don't let the cat out 
 
 of the bag ! 
 King. No whispering. There's treason in this mystery ! 
 
 Speak out ! This instant let us have your history ! 
 
 Tremble ! — to hoax us, if you've been so bold. 
 Marq. My humble story in two lines is told : — 
 
 A jolly miller once had nephews three. 
 
 The youngest of them you behold in me. 
 
 These lands are mine, though not by public sale ; 
 
 My cat knows all — but thereby hangs a tale. 
 King. A miller and his cat ! With rage I burst ! 
 Marq. I've told you all, sir — now you know the worst. 
 King. The worst, indeed ! Why, here's a pretty scrape ! 
 
 We've had a most miraculous escape ! 
 Marq. It rends my soul to part with so much beauty \ 
 
 But mends the hole, to think I've done my duty. 
 King. Would'st catch a princess as you would a mouse ? 
 
 Away ! We turn ourselves out of your house. 
 Marq. As, without her, I ne'er could live at ease, 
 
 I'd rather turn myself out, if you please. 
 King. 'Twere better so ! 
 Prin. Oh, father ! call him back ! 
 
 Though he's a miller, don't give him the sack !
 
 FUSS IN BOOTS 283 
 
 Spare your poor daughter's heart this cruel shock ; 
 He's proved himself the flower of the flock ! 
 Sweet miller, I am yours ! 
 
 {Throws herself into his arms) 
 Marq. Ah ! say you so ? 
 
 Then thus will I defend you 'gainst each foe ! 
 
 (drau'ijig his s7c<ord) 
 King. Ho, knaves there ! — part them ! What are you 
 all at ? 
 Arrest this Marquis, and hang up his cat ! 
 
 The Guards ajid Courtiers seize and separate Marquis, 
 &^c. — Thunder and lightning — The back of the sce?ie ope7is, 
 and discovers the Fairy Felina on a large cat. 
 
 Fairy. Hang Puss in Boots ! Thou pompous fool, forbear ! 
 
 Puss is my subject — touch him if you dare ! 
 
 Forgive them, too — or, by this magic ring. 
 
 Thou shalt remain a goose, but not a king ! 
 King. I'm not the goose, ma'am, that would run contrary. 
 
 In an affair that's managed by a Fairy. 
 
 So let the old line end a tale of laughter — 
 
 {to Princess and Marquis) 
 Be married, and live happy ever after ! 
 
 Finale — " The girl J left behind me." 
 
 Marq. The King he bids us happy be, 
 With him my notion pat jumps ; 
 And so I come, kind friends, to see, 
 With you, which way the cat jumps. 
 If we once more have waked some fun 
 From Mother Bunch's fine tales. 
 Let those who've played with her cat's one, 
 Escape your cat-o'-nine-tails. 
 
 King. To you we therefore move our suits ; 
 Say — shall the task be fruitless ? 
 The labours, sure, of Puss in Boots, 
 You will not render bootless ! 
 To call for actors now appears 
 The fashion ; — then let that call 
 To-night, ye critics, calm our fears. 
 And be your only cat-call.
 
 1 
 
 284 FUSS IN BOOTS. 
 
 Puss. The proverb says, " Care kill'd a cat ;" 
 Acknowledge 'tis but fair, now, 
 You should permit, in change for that, 
 A cat to kill dull Care now. 
 If once to-night I've made you grin, 
 Oh, in return for that laugh. 
 Allow us just applause to win 
 Enough to make a cat laugh ! 
 
 Marq. But hold ! before we raise for good 
 And aye, our voices choral, 
 It just occurs to me you would 
 Perchance say, "Where's the moral?" 
 'Tis this : if you're but left a cat, 
 And, like me, can't well boast on't, 
 Learn, friends, to be content with that. 
 And try to make the most on't. 
 
 Chorus. 'Tis this, if you're but left a cat, 
 And, like hini^ &c. 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 Note.— In the introduction to "The Paphian Bower," p. 91; 
 for the " Garrick," read the "New Brunswick Theatre," Well Street, 
 Wellclose Square, which was built on the site of the "Old Royalty." 
 Mr. Wyman, who so nearly lost his life when the "Brunswick" fell, 
 became afterwards for a short time joint partner with Conquest in the 
 " Garrick," which was situated, as already mentioned, in Leman Street,, 
 Goodman's Fields.— [Eds.]
 
 [ ^85 ] 
 
 APPENDIX. 
 
 I beg to append as a conclusion to the first volume of this 
 Edition, the following letter to Madame Vestris, which was 
 published as a dedication to her of my drama " The Two 
 Figaros," produced in November, 1836, not only as a 
 tribute justly due to that " Wonderful Woman," but as a 
 record of facts respecting her management of the Olympic 
 Theatre which might be found worthy of consideration by 
 more than one manager of the present day. 
 
 J. R. P. 
 
 My dear Madame Vestris, 
 
 Allow me to dedicate this little Drama to you. I have 
 several reasons for so doing ; the most obvious are, its 
 having been produced at your Theatre ; the perfect manner 
 in which you have thought proper to produce it, and the 
 support it has received from your personal exertions in the 
 trifling part of Susanetta ; but I have another, and 
 still stronger motive. This Drama has been selected to 
 form the first number of a New Series, which will principally, 
 if not wholly consist of pieces produced by members of the 
 Dramatic Authors' Society. As a very humble member of 
 that body, I therefore take this public opportunity of ex- 
 pressing the opinion which I, in common with many of my 
 brethren, entertain of your management of the Olympic
 
 2 86 APPENDIX. 
 
 Theatre, and of the beneficial effects likely to result from it 
 to the whole dramatic community. 
 
 In a time of unexampled peril to the best interests of the 
 Drama — whilst theatrical property was at the lowest ebb, 
 the larger theatres changing hands continually, and the ruin 
 of their lessees involving that of hundreds of their unfortu- 
 nate dependents,— the little Olympic, the most despised 
 nook in the dramatic world, became not only one of the 
 most popular and fashionable theatres London ever saw, 
 but served as a life-boat to the respectability of the stage, 
 which was fast sinking in the general wreck. Your success is 
 a matter of notoriety ; not so, however, the principal causes 
 of your success; which also constitute the claims you have 
 upon the good wishes of all who regard the true interests of 
 the English Stage. To those causes thousands are blind, 
 and none perhaps so blind as the very persons who are 
 most concerned in clearly perceiving and reflecting on 
 them ; I allude to the majority of Theatrical Managers, Pro- 
 vincial as well as Metropolitan. 
 
 In the first place, you have never allowed a temporary 
 decline of attraction to scare you into the destructive system 
 of filling your Boxes with orders. 
 
 Secondly — You have never suffered your Play-bill to be 
 disgraced by a puff, but rigidly restricted it to the simple 
 announcement of the Performances. 
 
 Thirdly — In the production of roery Drama, without 
 regard to its comparative importance, the most scrupulous 
 attention has been paid to all those accessories which form 
 the peculiar charm of Theatrical Representation, by perfect- 
 ing the illusion of the scene, and consequently at the same 
 time every possible chance of success has been afforded to 
 the author
 
 APPENDIX. 287 
 
 Fourthly — That if, notwithstanding such aid, a Drama 
 has occasionally failed, it has been as soon as possible with- 
 drawn in deference to the opinion of the public. 
 
 Fifthly — That the advantage of early hours was first per- 
 ceived by the audiences of the Olympic, the performances 
 having been generally so regulated as to enable families to 
 reach their homes before midnight. 
 
 It is to these few "Golden Rules" which you have had 
 the good taste and sound policy to adopt and persevere in, 
 more even than to your deserved popularity as an Actress, 
 that you owe your unec[ualled success, and when by the 
 adoption of similar measures, similar prosperity shall attend 
 other Theatrical Speculations, and the benefit of that pros- 
 perity be felt throughout the various branches of the Dramatic 
 Profession, I trust it will not be forgotten that the laudable 
 experiment was first made by Madame Vestris, 
 
 I must not omit to state as a collateral cause of the 
 natural interest dramatic writers should take in your welfare, 
 that with at least as much excuse (if there be any excuse 
 for so absurd a practice) as attraction ever gave to any other 
 manager, the privileges of those who have a professional 
 claim on the free admission to your Theatre have never 
 since its first opening been upon any occasion sJtspeiided. 
 
 The writer of a piquant and complimentary notice of the 
 Olympic Theatre, in the New Monthly Magazine, for 
 October last, has with great felicity likened your 
 Theatre to a fashionable confectioner's shop, where al- 
 though one cannot absolutely make a dinner, one may enjoy 
 a most agreeable refection consisting of jellies, 
 cheese-cakes, custards, and such " trifles light as air" served 
 upon the best Dresden china, in the most elegant style ; but 
 let it be also remembered, and I am sure that writer has too
 
 r^. 
 
 288 APPENDIX. 
 
 much good sense not to have admitted it had it been neces- 
 sary for him so to do, that the Olympic is licensed for the sale 
 of confectionery only, and that the fine old English fare on 
 which the patriotic critic alone can dine may not be served 
 up to your customers. It is but fair to presume that the 
 same spirit which induced you to offer a trifle like the 
 " Two Figaros " on such exquisite porcelain (to follow up 
 the ingenious simile of the writer in the New Monthly) — 
 would cause you to place upon a patent dining table the 
 Hamlet of Shakespeare, in as costly plate as ever was turned 
 out by Hamlet of Sidney's-alley. 
 
 Fortunately for yourself, perhaps, your exertions have 
 been confined to a Theatre the direction of which is 
 a recreation, more than a labour ; but the model is not 
 less instructive because it is made on so small a scale 
 and preserved in the cabinet of a lady. That great good will 
 eventually, and not far distantly arise to the Drama from your 
 example, is the firm belief of many for whose judgment I 
 have great respect, and that you may continue to deserve 
 their " golden opinions," and live to enjoy an ample harvest 
 reaped from the practice of your "golden rules," is the 
 
 wish of, 
 
 My dear Madame Vestris, 
 
 Your sincere Friend, 
 
 J. R. PLANCHE. 
 Brompton Crescent, 
 
 Dec. 19th, 1836. 
 
 End of Vol. I. 
 
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