A LITTLE BOOK 
 OF BORES 
 
 RFORD 
 
/ 
 
A LITTLE BOOK 
 OF BORES 
 
By OLIVER HERFORD 
 
 ARTFUL ANTICKS 
 
 By OLIVER HERFORD. Illustrations on every 
 page, attractively bound in cloth, 8 by 6 in. , 
 pp. 112, 2s. 
 
 %* Humorous verses and illustrations about 
 Animals. 
 
 Queen " This is one ot the most delightfully whimsical 
 collections of sketches with both pen and pencil which are 
 always so dear to the hearts of children. Mr. Herford's 
 rhymes are full of that simple fun which it requires no effort 
 to appreciate, and many ot them are irresistibly ridiculous ; 
 while his graceful sketches show a high sense of genuine 
 humour." 
 
 THE BOLD BAD BUTTERFLY 
 
 Crown 8vo., with over 100 humorous illus- 
 trations, 2S. 
 
 LONDON : GAY AND HANCOCK, LTD. 
 
A LITTLE BOOK 
 OF BORES 
 
 BY OLIVER HERFORD 
 
 LONDON 
 GAY AND HANCOCK, LTD. 
 
 All Rights Reserved 
 
LITTLE BOOK 
 OF 
 
 BORES 
 
 426548 
 
A 
 
 is the Autograph Bore 
 
 Whom Authors and Actors deplore, 
 Tho' it's evident quite 
 If the Dears ceased to write 
 
 They'd deplore even more than before* 
 
B 
 
 is a Bounder blase 
 Who likes to appear quite au fait/ 
 He purses his lips 
 As his Rhine wine he sips, 
 
 Tho' he doesn't know Hock from 
 
 Tokay. 
 
's a Critic* Far be it from me 
 
 With a time-honoured craft to make 
 
 free* 
 All praise I accord 
 
 Good Critics but lord! 
 What a Bore a bad Critic can bel 
 
1 is a Decadent Dreary 
 
 Whose Works are depressing and 
 
 eerie ; 
 If you ask his excuse 
 
 For existence, or use, 
 I'm afraid I can't answer your query* 
 
E 
 
 is the Egotist dread 
 
 Who, as some one has happily said, 
 Will talk till he's blue 
 About myself, when you 
 
 Want to talk about yourself instead. 
 
|H 's a Frankly Familiar Friend 
 Who loves free advice to extend; 
 He declares, for his part, 
 He knows nothing of Art, 
 
 But he thinks that your time you 
 
 misspend* 
 
 12 
 
I y is a Grumbler gruff 
 
 j 
 
 Whom everything puts in a huff; 
 If he chances to gain 
 Heaven's gate, he'll complain 
 
 Of his Halo or Harp, like enough* 
 
 14 
 
H 
 
 is a Humorist glum* 
 
 Why sits he so silent and dumb? 
 He's concocting some Gay 
 Impromptu to say 
 
 When the Opportune Moment shall 
 
 come* 
 
I 1 
 's the Intensely Intense 
 
 Who dilates on the Whither and Whence, 
 
 The Ego (or "I"), 
 
 And the Wherefore and Why, 
 Not to mention the Hither and Hence. 
 
J 
 
 is the "Johnnie " a Thing 
 Much affected by Fairies who sing* 
 He is human in shape, 
 With the brain of an ape, 
 And generally tied to a string* 
 
 20 
 
K 
 
 is the Kaiser unnerving, 
 
 With the Terrible Moustache upcurving. 
 
 One man who can bore 
 
 A planet --and more 
 Is surely of mention deserving* 
 
 22 
 
Li 
 I *s the Loquacious variety, 
 
 __ i 
 
 That is found in all sorts of society* 
 He will drink in the sound 
 Of his own voice till drowned 
 
 In a species of self-inebriety* 
 
 24 
 
's a Methodical Man 
 
 Who prates with precision and plan* 
 Beware, how you balk 
 The stream of his talk, 
 
 Lest he go back to where he began* 
 
 26 
 
l^J is a Newly-rich boor, 
 
 Whom no one pretends to endure. 
 Some cases with care 
 And complete change of Heir 
 Take three generations to cure* 
 
 28 
 
IJ is an Optimist glad 
 
 Who doesn't know how to be sad; 
 
 If he wakes up some day 
 
 In Hades, he'll say, 
 "Well, really it isn't so bad," 
 
 30 
 
p 
 
 's a Poetical bore 
 Who recites his own things by the score* 
 The ladies/ poor dears, 
 Are all moved to tears, 
 
 While strong men are moved to the 
 
 door. 
 
 32 
 
Q 
 
 is a Quoter who'll cite 
 
 His favourite authors all night. 
 Tho' teeming with Thought, 
 Like the Moon he is naught 
 
 But a second-hand dealer in Light. 
 
 34 
 
! 's a Rampant Reformer whose prose 
 Insures you a Health-giving doze* 
 
 You wouldn't much mind 
 
 If he'd only be kind 
 And not slam the door when he goes* 
 
 36 
 
S 1 
 is a Satirist rude 
 
 Who subsists on Leguminous Food, 
 Which he shyly maintains 
 So enforces his brains, 
 
 Even Shakespeare beside him seems crude. 
 
 38 
 
is a Terrible Tot 
 
 i 
 
 Who says things he'd much better not* 
 A child of that age 
 Should be kept in a cage, 
 
 And fed if at all through a slot* 
 
 40 
 
u 
 
 is the Unco Guid Man, 
 
 And all his unspeakable clan, 
 
 With their Braw bonnie brae, 
 Bide a wee, Scots wha hae, 
 Aweel f Diana ktn, and Hoot man. 
 
 42 
 
V 
 
 is a Vain Virtuoso. 
 
 If you ask, "Pray what makes your 
 
 hair grow so ; 
 Do you think it a sign 
 
 Of Genius divine ? " 
 
 He replies, " I don't think so, I know 
 
 so." 
 
w 
 
 's a Well-informed Wight 
 
 Who aims to set every one right ; 
 If you chance to misspell 
 Or misquote, he will swell 
 
 With holy and chastened Delight* 
 
 46 
 
X 
 
 is Old Xmas, a dear 
 Old Impostor who comes once a year t 
 With wassail, and wishes, 
 And death-dealing dishes, 
 
 And chilblains, and chimes, and good 
 
 cheer* 
 
 48 
 
; ff 
 
Y 
 
 is a Yodler whose yell 
 
 Wakes the echo in mountain or fell* 
 44 Poor Echo I" I say, 
 "To be wakened each day 
 
 By a sound like a Feline unwell/' 
 
 50 
 
z 
 
 is a Zealot whose zeal 
 
 Takes the form of an " Urgent appeal/ 9 
 Tho* you wriggle and squirm 
 And protest he sits firm, 
 
 Till he lands you at last like an eel. 
 
 52 
 
RICHARD CLAY & SONS, LIMITED, 
 
 BREAD STREET HILL, E.G., AND 
 
 BUNGAY, SUFFOLK. 
 
*- t -*-*ij\JW 
 
 31 1934 
 
 ID JUNte 70*1P ~* 
 
 21-som-i > ' 88 
 
548 
 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY