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THE TREASURY 
 
 OF 
 
 MODERN ANECDOTE 
 
 BEING A 
 
 SELECTION FROM THE WITTY AND HUMOROUS SAYINGS 
 OF THE LAST HUNDRED YEARS. 
 
 €J)tteb toith £ioiZ!5 anb Inixolncixon 
 
 BY 
 
 W. DAVENPOET ^ADAMS, 
 
 AUTHOR OF THE "DICTIONARY OF ENGLISH LITERATURE," ETC 
 
 EDINBUEGH: 
 
 THE EDINBURGH PUBLISHING COMPANY. 
 
 LONDON: SIMPKIN, MARSHALL, & CO. 
 
 1881. 
 
VMGZG 
 A4- 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 rpHE present collection of Anecdotes differs from its predecessors in 
 -^ several particulars. 
 
 To begin with, it is strictly a Treasury of Modem Anecdote. It does not 
 profess to dish up for the delectation of present-day readers stories which 
 have been familiar to them all their lives, and which are, in fact, the 
 commonplaces of ordinary conversation. There is a certain sprinkling 
 of old favourites, — of time-honoured tales which no one likes to see 
 omitted from any collection, however fresh it be in aim and character. 
 But these are anecdotes of the perennial kind, — anecdotes which, the 
 m ore they are known the better they are liked — which are so excellent in 
 themselves that they never pall upon the taste. For the most part, 
 however, the Anecdotes in this collection are emphatically modem, 
 — modem in so far that they are drawn from modem sources, and refer 
 to modern people. They do not, for the most part, go farther back 
 ihnn. Walpole's "Letters," and they come down as far as the latest 
 stc pies and reminiscences, such as those of Crabb Eobinson and J. R. 
 PI lanche. It has seemed to the editor and to the publishers that the 
 pi iblic is tired of the old stories that generally do duty in such collec- 
 tio ns, and that it is ready to welcome a work which shall put before it 
 thf i cream of the spoken wit and humour of the last hundred years. 
 
 Again : the Anecdotes in this volume are, as far as can possibly be 
 as( jertained, authentic. The object of the editor and publishers has 
 be en to avoid as much as possible the old indefinite stories about " a 
 
 ( ivi542053 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 lawj^er," or " a doctor," or " a certain judge," and to confine this work 
 chiefly to anecdotes for which some authority can be given, and which 
 can be attributed with reasonable safety to particular individuals. It is 
 not pretended that every authority given in this book is the ultimate or 
 original authority, but an endeavour has honestly been made, in the 
 majority of cases, to get at the origin of the anecdote, and to be sure that 
 the witty and humorous saying quoted has been ascribed to the proper per- 
 son. It is possible that, in this way, certain of our readers may notice 
 the absence of pet anecdotes which have been attributed to different 
 persons, and which, in the absence of sufficient evidence for identifica- 
 tion, have been deliberately omitted from this volume. On the other 
 hand, they will find many anecdotes apportioned for the first time to the 
 individuals with whom they are actually connected. They will find the 
 stories not only modern, but authentic. 
 
 Another feature of the work is the classification to which the Anec- 
 dotes have been subjected, those on "Men of Letters," or "Men of 
 Society," or " Lawyers," or '" Actors," and so on, having been grouped 
 together on a plan which will be appreciated by the reader. 
 
 Further than this, the Anecdotes relating to particular individuals 
 have been brought together and carefully arranged after a system which, 
 it is hoped, will be equally useful and agreeable. 
 
 Where anecdotes have been fathered upon more than one individual 
 on equally good authority, mention has been made of the fact; and 
 notes have been appended in those cases where additional explanations 
 appeared necessary. A full index has also been added. i 
 
 W. D. A. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 rpHE entertaining nature of a Book of Anecdotes will be freely con- 
 ceded. It will be acknowledged that, for whiling away a dull 
 afternoon or a spare half-hour, few things more suitable could be de- 
 vised. It is at once amusing and fragmentary; and whilst its inherent 
 fun excites the fancy and relieves the mind, the brevity of the matter 
 allows it to be taken up again and again without any weariness being felt. 
 A photograph album, we all know, is sometimes made to do duty on 
 these occasions, but the superiority of a Book of Anecdotes will readily 
 be allowed. The former palls upon the taste jaded by pictures of people 
 either unknown, or else too familiarly known ; whilst an anecdote, even 
 if old, is, if good, perennially new, and, if it is wholly new as well as 
 good, it is welcomed as a " thing of beauty," and mentally recorded as a 
 "joy for ever." A Book of Anecdotes has, however, a further ground of 
 superiority over most other forms of parlour amusement. It is as useful 
 as it is entertaining. A poor observer is he who regards a good authentic 
 anecdote as being entertaining merely. To be sure, the first duty of 
 an anecdote is to amuse, but this is by no means all it does. A witty 
 or a humorous saying is not only interesting in itself ; it is interesting 
 in reference to the circumstances that called it forth, and to the man 
 who uttered it. It may shed light upon the character or the life of that 
 man, and it may, by so doing, illustrate the history of the world. It 
 enlightens for us not only individual character, but human nature. 
 
2 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE, 
 
 Elaborate histories are all very well, and profound essaj^'s are all very 
 well ; but if you want to get at the heart of a man, a woman, a people, 
 or an event, is not a thoroughly authentic anecdote much more to the 
 point '\ Does it not tell more, in the compass of a half-a-dozen lines or 
 sentences, than the history in so many chapters, or the essay in so many 
 pages or paragraphs ? 
 
 An anecdote is valuable' in two ways — in relation to the individual as 
 a member of a class, and in relation to the individual as an individual. 
 In the present volume, the anecdotes are so arranged that they may be 
 regarded from both points of view — the men of society being grouped 
 together, and the men of letters, and so on. Unfortunately, this classi- 
 fication does not altogether satisfy; as, for example, in the case of 
 Sydney Smith, who was at once a man of society, a man of letters, and a 
 clergyman; of Sheridan, who was a man of society, a man of letters, and 
 a politician; of Theodore Hook, who was a man of society and a jour- 
 nalist ; of Jekyll, who was a man of society and a barrister. In sucli 
 cases, we have endeavoured to determine in which of these characters 
 each of those we have named was most a wit or a humorist, and have 
 ranged him accordingly under the heading to which he seemed most 
 obviously to belong. The final decision was of the less importance that 
 very few of the best wits and humorists were distinctly " shoppy " in 
 their sayings. Unquestionably, however, there is a wit and there is a 
 humour which pertains specially to special classes and professions, and the 
 peculiar manner of which is very clearly discernible. There is a light- 
 ness and flippancy about society talk which cannot but be reflected in 
 the recorded anecdotes of the men who frequented society. There is 
 a sort of frivolity and vapidity, for example, about the witticisms of 
 Luttrell and of Jekyll, of Selwyn, D'Orsay, and Alvanley, which at once 
 stamp them as the production of members of the " fashionable " world. 
 It is noticeable, again, in the jokes narrated of famous men of letters, 
 that their wit and humour is decidedly tinctured by the nature of their 
 ocoupation. They deal largely in quotations, and in literary allusions 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 generally; their repartees have an immistakeable flavour of the study and 
 the desk. With lawyers there is just that quickness and that recklessness 
 of retort which you would naturally expect from men whose chief stock- 
 in-trade has so often been their readiness and unscrupulousness of wit. 
 The sayings of academic humorists have an obviously academic tinge; the 
 epigrams of a Parr, a Porson, and a Davidson, are the evident product 
 of the scholarly life. And so mth doctors and divines, with statesmen 
 and with politicians, with business men, with tradesmen, and with 
 women generally : there is a peculiarity, or rather a class character, 
 about the anecdotes narrated of them, which, though not always obtru- 
 sive and easy of detection, is nevertheless observable by the attentive 
 reader. A man is very much what his surroundings make him, and 
 according to the atmosphere in which he lives will be the general nature 
 of his outcome. 
 
 We say "the general nature," because, when all is said and done, 
 class training and class association are not everything. If wits and 
 humorists can be divided into classes, they can be still further sub- 
 divided according to their personal idiosyncrasy. Take the men of 
 society, for example. The distinctive peculiarity, of Sydney Smith was 
 the exuberant character of his humour, — the enormous amount of fun 
 which his ever-working fancy was able to accumulate round whatever 
 subject he took up. Here was a humorist in the true sense of the 
 term, who, hitting on a comical idea, dwelt upon it and expanded it 
 until it was scarcely capable of any further expansion at his hands or 
 at anybody else's. In Hook, again, we have a wit pure and simple, 
 whose distinctive peculiarity consisted in rapidity and pungency of 
 repartee, — generally in the way of pun, often in the way of felicitous 
 quotation. This was very much the case with Luttrell and with Jekyll. 
 Alvanley was more particularly a type of the young nobleman of fashion, 
 whose wit was to a great extent impertinence tempered by urbanity. 
 Selwyn's wit, again, was that of an originally morbid fancy modified by 
 the pressure of society. Lord Dudley's was almost wholly part and 
 
4 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 parcel of his iincoiniiion personality, though we cannot help thinking that 
 much of his absent-mindedness was pur^Dosely assumed, for the sake of 
 the results which it produced. Among men of letters, again, we have 
 the biting sarcasm of Jerrold and the humorous bonhomie of Charles 
 Lamb. Both were slaves of the pen ; yet how different were their modes 
 of thought, how distinct their manner of expression ! There is, in the 
 same way, quite a different flavour about the bons mots of a Sheridan and 
 those of, say, a Thackeray. The former are delightfully brilliant and laughs 
 able ; in the latter there is always something more than the mere wit or 
 humour in which they are enshrined. Equally characteristic of the men 
 are the anecdotes recorded of Curran and of Erskine, of Lord Eldon, Lord 
 Norbury, and the old Scotch judges who have been so graphically de- 
 scribed to us by Cockburn. You can tell a Curran saying directly you 
 hear it or see it ; it is hardly necessary for jt to be authenticated ; it 
 bears the head-mark of the author. So, too, with Lord Eldon, whose 
 sayings are almost as individual as those of the great lexicographer him- 
 self. Among actors, one at once thinks of the admirably and prolifically 
 witty Foote, whom no one could ever take at a disadvantage. Among 
 divines, one thinks at once of Whately — surely the most epigrammatic 
 of all clerics, past and present. Among foreigners, again, who but recalls 
 to mind the numerous and pungent sayings of a Talleyrand — the French 
 Douglas Jerrold, with even more than the neatness of his British proto- 
 type, — the wit, par excellence, of France, unless you think he is run close 
 by Chamfort and by Rivarol. It is not necessary, however, to run 
 through the whole list of wits and humorists. It is sufficiently clear 
 that if there is a certain family likeness among the anecdotes of certain 
 classes, there is also a large measure of individuality in the stories related 
 about particular persons. Those persons are members of classes, we 
 confess ; but they are nevertheless themselves. Neither they nor their 
 wit and humour are wholly absorbed in the various categories with 
 which they are connected. 
 Hitherto we have had to do with the wit and humour of classes and 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 of individuals. A word or two may be said about the wit and humour 
 of particular nationalities. That there are decided distinctions between 
 these is universally noticeable and admitted. A German is all humour, 
 and very ponderous with it all ; a Frenchman is all wit, and as light 
 and lively as the life he lives. The one is typified in Jean Paul, 
 the other in Voltaire. The wit and humour of Englishmen is more 
 varied and less easily characterized. Every one, on the other hand, 
 knows how pawky is the ordinary Scotchman, how sly the ordinary 
 Irishman, — the Sawny in the one case being as familiar and unperish- 
 able as is the Pat' in the other. These national distinctions have 
 always been instituted ; and though you meet with Scotchmen who are 
 not pawky, and Irishmen who are not sly, still the descriptions hold 
 as good now as they ever did. What is so unprofitable about the matter 
 is the abundance of anecdotes founded on these descriptions, and on no 
 other basis. What an amount of slyness is fathered on the Irishman, and 
 what an amount of pawkiness on the Scotchman — neither of them in 
 any way deserved. In like manner, how constantly are the classes of 
 society assailed! What jokes there are about doctors and their patients, 
 about clergymen and their congregations, about lawyers and their clients ! 
 How similar is the point in all, and how dismal is the general 
 effect! 
 
 This is not the kind of thing which the genuine anecdote lover at all 
 cares about. He does not want this sort of manufactured, traditional 
 material. He wants authentic matter. That is the whole secret of the 
 value and usefulness of anecdotes, — that they should be, as far as 
 possible, genuine and traceable. If they are not that, they are useless. 
 They may excite a careless or an ignorant laugh, but that is all. What 
 is wanted is, that they should be traceable to a source, and that source 
 a genuine one. It is on this principle that the present Collection has 
 been compiled, and it is hoped that it will, on this account, appeal 
 powerfully to the taste and judgment of the true connoisseur of anecdote. 
 Here, at any rate, is pabulum not only for amusement but for use; here 
 
TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 is matter provocative not only of entertainment, but of insight into 
 the characters of individuals, of classes, and of society and the world in 
 general. 
 
 A word or two, finally, as to the sources of Modern Anecdote. These 
 are chiefly to he found in the autobiographies, diaries, and reminiscences 
 of the last hundred years. Of course the biography of that period is 
 prolific in material, and in material of a thoroughly trustworthy and 
 useful character. Still, the autobiographer and diarist is the most 
 trustworthy and useful of all chroniclers, because he generally relates 
 what he has heard with his own ears, and not merely what has come 
 through an indefinite number of channels. Thus, whilst we have not 
 neglected the vaxious Lives of the most noted wits and humorists of 
 recent times, we have drawn particularly upon such books as Walpole's 
 Coirespondence, Miss Berry's Diary, Eaikes's Diary, Moore's Diary, 
 Gronow's Reminiscences, Greville's Diary, Crabb Robinson's Diary, and 
 to come farther down, J. C. Young's Diary, J. R. Planche's Recollections, 
 and a hundred others, whose names will be found duly recorded in the 
 work — all or most of them professing to record things at first hand, and 
 affording the best available proofs of authenticity. In works such as 
 these the reader will find more to enlighten him on the subject of the 
 men, women, and manners of the last century than he will discover in 
 any essay or history extant. W. D. A. 
 
TREASURY OF MODERN 
 ANECDOTE. 
 
 About Men of Society. 
 
 A EASH YOUNG MAN. 
 
 LADY HOLLAND'S biography of her father, Sydney Smith, i naturally 
 teems with anecdotes in illustration of his exuberant humorousness. 
 From these we select a few of the most characteristic. For example : — Some one 
 mentioned that a young Scotchman was about to marry an Irish widow, double 
 his age, and of considerable dimensions. "Going to marry her!" exclaimed 
 Sydney Smith, bursting out laughing. " Going to marry her ! Impossible ! 
 You mean a part of her. He could not marry her all himself. It would be 
 a case, not of bigamy, but of trigamy. The neighbourhood or the magistrates 
 should interfere. There is enough of her to furnish wives for a whole parish. 
 One man marry her! It is monstrous. You might people a colony with 
 her ; or give an assembly with her ; or perhaps take your morning's walk 
 round her, always provided there were frequent resting-places, and you were 
 in rude health. I once was rash enough to try walking round her before 
 breakfast, but only got half-way, and gave it up exhausted. Or you might 
 read the Riot Act and disperse her; in short, you might do anything but 
 marry her." 
 
 A CHARMING COMPLIMENT. 
 Again: on examining some new flowers in a garden, a beautiful girl, who 
 was one of the party, exclaimed to the Canon, " Oh, Mr Sydney, this pea will 
 never come to perfection." "Permit me, then," said he, gently taking her 
 hand, and walking towards the plant, "to lead perfection to the pea." 
 
 ^ Canon of St Paul's; preacher and essayist; 6. 1771, d. 1845. 
 
TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 THE KAKED TRUTH. 
 
 An argument arose (writes Lady Holland) in which my father observed 
 how many of the most eminent men of the world had been diminutive in 
 person ; and after naming several among the ancients, he added, " Why look, 
 there is Jeffrey; and there is my little friend [Lord John Russell], who has 
 not body enough to cover his mind decently with — his intellect is improperly 
 exposed." 
 
 JUST AS SOOK. , 
 
 Writes Lady Holland again : — We were all assembled to look at a turtle 
 that had been sent to the house of a friend, when a child of the party stooped 
 down, and began eagerly stroking the head of the turtle. "Why are you 
 
 doing that, B ?" said my father. "Oh, to please the turtle." "Why, 
 
 child, you might as well stroke the dome of St Paul's to please the Dean and 
 Chapter. " 
 
 POACHING AND SOCINIANISM. 
 
 Some one naming a certain person as not very orthodox, "Oh," said 
 Sydney Smith, ' ' accuse a man of being a Socinian, and it is all over with him ; 
 for the country gentlemen all think it has something to do with poaching," 
 
 HIS WAY OE PUTTING IT. 
 
 Sydney Smith proposed that Government should pay the Catholic priests of 
 Ireland. "They would not take it," said a Dr Doyle. "Do you mean to say," 
 said the Canon, "that if every priest in Ireland received to-morrow morning 
 a post letter with a hundred pounds, first quarter of their year's income, that 
 they would refuse it?" "Ah, Mr Smith," said Dr Doyle, "you've such a 
 way of putting things ! " 
 
 THAT IS THE QUESTION. 
 
 A Mr P said to Sydney Smith, ' ' I always write best vrith an aman- 
 
 uensis." "Oh! but are you quite sure that he puts down wliat you dictate, 
 my dear P ?" 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 
 
 THE ONLY TRUE ONES. 
 Mrs Marcet one day expressed to Sydney Smith her admiration of a ham of 
 his. ''Oh," said he, "our hams are the only true hams; yours are Shems 
 and Japhets." 
 
 AN INFALLIBLE REMEDY. 
 Mrs Marcet, complaining to Sydney Smith that she could not sleep : "I can 
 furnish you," he said, "with a perfect soporific. I have published two 
 volumes of sermons ; take them to bed with you. I recommended them once 
 to Blanco White,^ and before the third page he was fast asleep." 
 
 ''PROVIDED." 
 
 We were on a visit (says Lady Holland) to Bishopthorpe;^ our father had 
 recently preached a visitation sermon, in which, amongst other things, he had 
 recommended the clergy not to devote too much time to shooting and hunting. 
 The archbishop, who rode beautifully in his youth, and knew full well my 
 father's deficiences in that respect, said, smiling and evidently much amused : 
 "I hear, Mr Smith, you do not approve of much riding for the clergy." 
 "Why, my lord," said my father, bowing with assumed gravity, "perhaps 
 there is not much objection, provided they do not ride too well, and stick out 
 their toes professionally." 
 
 A LESSON ON HAND-SHAKING. 
 Meeting a j*oung lady, and shaking hands with her — " I must," said Sydney 
 Smith, "give you a lesson in shaking hands, I see. There is nothing more 
 characteristic than shakes of the hand. I have classified them. Lister, when 
 he was here, illustrated some of them. Ask Mrs Sydney to show you his 
 sketches of them when you go in. There is the high official, — the body erect, 
 and a rapid short shake, near the chin. There is the mortmain, — the flat 
 hand introduced into your palm, and hardly conscious of its contiguity. The 
 digital, — one finger held out, much used by the high clergy. There is the 
 shaJcus rusticus, where your hand is seized in an iron grasp, betokening rude 
 health, warm heart, and distance from the metropolis ; but producing a strong 
 sense of relief on your part when you find your hand released, and your fingers 
 unbroken. The next to this is the retentive shake, — one which, beginning 
 with vigour, pauses as it were to take breath, but without relinquishing its prey, 
 and before you are aware begins again, till you feel anxious as to the result, and 
 have no shake left in you. There are other varieties, but this is enough for 
 one lesson." 
 
 1 Author of a famous sonuet on "Night," 2 Residence of the Archbishop of York. 
 
lo TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 SHUT UP. 
 
 One day, during a visit to the Archbishop of York, a Mr M , a Catholic 
 
 gentleman, was looking out of the window of the room in which he and Sydney- 
 Smith were sitting. "Ah! I see," said the worthy Canon, laughing, "you 
 think you will get out, but you are quite mistaken ; this is the wing where 
 the Archbishop shuts up the Catholics; the other wing is full of Dissenters." 
 
 A BISHOP FLIRTING. 
 Some one (says Lady Holland) asked if a certain bishop was going to marry. 
 "Perhaps he may," said my father; "yet how can a bishop marry? How can 
 lie flirt? The most he can say is, * I will see you in the vestry after service.'" 
 
 AN ETERNAL FRIENDSHIP. 
 
 Most London dinners (writes Sydney Smith) evaporate in whispers to one's 
 next-door neighbour. I make it a rule never to speak a word to mine, but 
 fire across the table, though I broke it once when I heard a lady who sat next 
 me, in a low, sweet voice, say, " No gravy, sir." I had never seen her before, 
 but I turned suddenly round and said, ' ' Madam, I have been looking for a 
 person who disliked gravy all my lifej let us swear eternal friendship." She 
 looked astonished, but took the oath, and what is better, kept it. 
 
 AN AMERICAN FUNCTIONARY. 
 An American once said to Sydney Smith, "You are so funny, Mr Smith; 
 -do you know you remind me of our great joker, Dr Chamberlayne ? " " I am 
 much honoured," replied the Canon, "but I was not aware you had such a 
 functionary in the United States." 
 
 AN EXTREME PROCEEDING. 
 Nothing (writes Sydney Smith) amuses me more than to observe the utter 
 want of perception of a joke in some minds. Mrs Jackson called the other 
 day, and spoke of the oppressive heat of last week. " Heat, ma'am !" I said ; 
 "it was so dreadful here, that I found there was nothing left for it but to 
 take off my flesh and sit in my bones." " Take off your flesh and sit in your 
 hones, sir ! Oh, Mr Smith ! how could you do that ? " she exclaimed, with 
 the greatest gravity. "Nothing more easy, ma'am; come and see next 
 time." But she ordered her carriage, and evidently thought it a very 
 unorthodox proceeding. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 
 
 NOT AT ALL SENTIMENTAL. 
 
 A lady once asked Sydney Smith for a motto for her dog Spot. He pro- 
 posed, "Out, damned Spot!"^ but, strange to say (he says), she did not 
 think it sentimental enough. 
 
 AN AWKWARD POSITION. 
 
 Sydney Smith records the following : — The oddest instance of absence of 
 mind happened to me once in forgetting my own name. I knocked at a door in 
 
 London; asked, '' Is Mr B at home?" " Yes, sir; pray what name shall I 
 
 say?" I looked in the man's face astonished; — what name? what name? 
 Ay, that was the question ; what is my name ? I believe the man thought 
 me mad ; but it is literally true, that, during the space of two or three minutes, 
 I had no more idea who I was than if I had never existed. I did not know if I 
 was a Dissenter or a layman. I felt as dull as Stemhold and Hopkins.^ At 
 last, to my great relief, it flashed across me that I was Sydney Smith. 
 
 HE SAW IT AT LAST. 
 
 A joke (says Sydney Smith) goes a great way in the country. I have 
 known one last pretty well for seven 3'ears, I remember making a joke after 
 a meeting of the clergy in Yorkshire, where there was a Rev. Mr Buckle, who 
 never spoke when I gave his health, saying that he was a buckle without a 
 tongue. Most persons within hearing laughed, but my next-door neighbour 
 sat unmoved and sunk in thought. At last, a quarter of an hour after we 
 had all done, he suddenly nudged me, exclaiming, " I see now what you meant, 
 Mr Smith; you meant a joke." " Yes, sir," I said, " I believe I did." Upon 
 which he began laughing so heartily that I thought he would choke, and 
 was obliged to pat him on the back. 
 
 A FEARFUL PASSION. 
 A certain young lady, walking one day round the grounds at Combe House, 
 exclaimed : " Oh, why do you chain up that fine Newfoundland dog, Mr Smith ?" 
 " Because it has a passion for breakfasting on parish boys." " Parish boys?" 
 she exclaimed, "does he really eat boys, Mr Smith?" "Yes, he devours 
 them, buttons and all." Her face of horror (says the Canon) made me die of 
 laughing. 
 
 1 Machcfh, act V. scene i. 2 Authors of the " poetical" version of The Psi 
 
12 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 AN ACCURATE MEASUREMENT. 
 Sydney Smith used to say : — I got into dreadful disgrace with Sir G[eorge] 
 B[eauinont]^ who, standing before a picture at Bowood, exclaimed, turning to 
 me, " Immense breadth of light and shade ! " I innocently said, '' Yes ; about 
 an inch and a half." He gave me a look that ought to have killed me. 
 
 BREAD FROM SAWDUST. 
 Talking (says Moore) ^ of the bread they were then (1833) about to make from 
 sawdust, Sydney Smith said people would soon have sprigs coming out of 
 them. Young ladies, in dressing for a ball would say, "Mamma, I'm begin- 
 ning to sprout." 
 
 SEVERE ! 
 Moore writes: — In talking of the fun he had had in the early times of 
 the Edinhurgh Review, Sydney Smith mentioned an article on Ritson,^ which 
 he and Brougham had written together ; and one instance of their joint com- 
 position which he gave me was as follows: — "We take for granted (Avrote 
 Brougham) that Mr Ritson supposed Providence to have had some share in 
 producing him — though for what inscrutable purposes (added Sydney) we pro- 
 fess ourselves unable to conjecture." 
 
 A MAXIM. 
 Lord John [Russell] mentioned to-day (writes Moore) that Sydney Smith 
 told him he had had an intention once of writing a book of maxims, but never 
 got further than the following: — "That generally towards the age of forty, 
 women get tired of being virtuous, and men of being honest." 
 
 AN AWKWARD UNDERSTANDING. 
 Sydney Smith said of some one: — He has no command over his under- 
 standing ; it is always getting between his legs and tripping him up. 
 
 VERY MERCURIAL. 
 
 Moore records in his Diary on one occasion : — Sydney Smith very comical 
 about the remedy that Lady [Holland] is going to use for the bookworm, 
 which is making great ravages in the library. She is about to have them washed 
 
 1 The Sir George Beaumont to wliom Wordsworth addressed an Epistle (ISll). 
 
 2 In his Diary, published in 1S52-6 by Lord John Russell. 
 
 3 Joseph Ritson, the antiquary. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 13 
 
 by some mercurial preparation; and Smith says it is Davy's^ opinion that the 
 air will become charged with mercury, and that the whole family will be 
 salivated. " I shall see Allen, "^ says Smith, "with his tongue hanging out, 
 speechless, and shall take the opportunity to stick a few principles into him. " 
 
 A TRUE DISSENTER. 
 On another occasion Moore says : — Called with [Smith] at Newton's to see 
 my picture, [when he] said in his gravest manner to Newton, '' Couldn't you 
 contrive to throw into his face a stronger expression of hostility to the church 
 establishment?" 
 
 REES AND RES. 
 Moore writes again : — Sydney, at dinner, and after, in full force . . . des- 
 scribing a dinner at Longman's; Rees^ carving — plerumque secat res. 
 
 A LARGE CLERGYMAN. 
 
 Yet another entry by Moore : — Company at the Longmans. . . . Came 
 away earlyish. The road up to Longman's being rather awkward, we [Moore 
 and Sydney Smith] had desired the hackney coachman to wait for us at the 
 bottom. "It would never do, ' ' said S. , " when your memoirs came to be written, 
 to have it said, ' He went out to dine at the house of the respectable pub- 
 lishers, Longman & Co. , and, being overturned on his way back, was crushed 
 to death by a large clergyman. ' " 
 
 LAMARTINE. 
 Moore again : — S. Smith amusing before dinner. His magnanimity, as he 
 called it, in avowing that he had never before heard of Lamartine (of whom 
 Miss Berry* and I were speaking). " Was it another name for the famous 
 blacking man?" "Yes." "Oh, then, he's Martin here, La-Martine in 
 France, and Martin Luther in Germany." 
 
 CATCHING FIRE. 
 Moore once more : — Breakfasted at Rogers's : [Sydney] Smith full of comi- 
 cality and fancy. ... In talking of the stories about dram-drinkers catching 
 iire, pursued the idea in every possible shape. The inconvenience of a man 
 coming too near the candle when he was speaking : * ' Sir, your observation 
 
 1 Sir Humphrey Davy. 3 One of the firm of Longman & Co. 
 
 2 A contributor to the Edinburgh Review. * The well-known diarist aucl woman of fashion. 
 
TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 has canglit fire." Then imagined a i^arsou breaking out into a blaze in the 
 pulpit ; the engines called to put him out ; no water to be had, the man at 
 the water works being an Unitarian or an Atheist. 
 
 A FAT OLD CROW. 
 
 Sydney [Smith] at breakfast (writes Moore) actually made me cry with 
 laughing. ... In talking of the intelligence and concert which birds 
 have among each other, cranes and crows, &c,, showing that they must have 
 some means of communicating thoughts, he said, " I daresay they make 
 the same remark of us. That fat old crow there (meaning himself), what a 
 prodigious noise he is making ! I have no doubt he has some power of 
 communicating," &c., &c. After pursuing this idea comically for some time, 
 he added, ' ' But we have the advantage of them ; they can't put us into pies 
 as we do them; legs sticking up out of the crust," &c., &c. 
 
 A TEA TEST. 
 
 In talking of the remarkable fact that women in general bear pain much 
 better than men, I said (remarks Moore) that, allowing everything that could 
 be claimed for the superior patience and self-command of women, still the 
 main solution of their enduring pain better than men was their having less 
 physical sensibility. This theory of mine was immediately exclaimed against 
 . . . as disparaging, ungenerous, unfounded, &c., &c. I offered to put it 
 to the test by bringing in a hot tea-pot, which I would answer for the ladies 
 of the party being able to hold for a much longer period than the men. This 
 set Sydney [Smith] off most comically, upon my cruelty to the female part of 
 the creation, and the practice I had in such experiments. ' ' He has been all 
 his life," he said, "trying the sex with hot tea-pots; the burning ploughshare 
 was nothing to it. I think I hear his terrific tone in a tete-a-tete, ' Bring a 
 tea-pot.'" 
 
 A SAUCY SUGGESTION. 
 
 R. H. Barliam^ writes in his diary : — Dined with Smith. He told me of the 
 motto he had proposed for Bishop Burgess's arms, in allusion to his brother, 
 the well-known fish-sauce projector : — 
 
 " Gravi jamdudum saucia cura ! " 
 
 1 Author of the Ingoldsby Legends. His Diary is included in his Life by his sou (1870). 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 15: 
 
 COUSINS. 
 
 The following quaint answer (says Barham) was returned by Sydney Smith 
 to an invitation to dinner: — " Dear Longman, I can't accept your invitation, 
 for my house is full of country cousins. I wish they were once removed. — 
 Yours, Sydney Smith." 
 
 ADVICE TO A BISHOP. 
 
 Barham has recorded the advice which Sydney Smith is said to have 
 given to the Bishop of New Zealand prior to his departure ; — recommending 
 him to have regard to the minor as well as the more important duties of his 
 station — to be given to hospitality — and, in order to meet the tastes of his 
 native guests, never to be without a smoked little boy in the bacon rack, and 
 a cold clergyman on the sideboard; " and as for yourself, my lord," he con- 
 cluded, "all I can say is, that when your new parishioners do eat you, I 
 sincerely hope you will disagree with them." 
 
 AS A CUCUMBER. 
 
 At a certain party at which Sydney Smith was present, one of the company 
 (says Barham) having said that he was about to "drop in" at Lady Blessing- 
 ton's, a young gentleman, a perfect stranger to him, said, with the most 
 "gallant modesty," — "Oh, then, you can take me with you; I want very much 
 to know her; you can introduce me." AVhile the other was standing aghast 
 at the impudence of the proposal, and muttering something about being but 
 a slight acquaintance himself, and not knowing very well how he could take 
 such a liberty, &c., Sydney Smith observed, "Pray oblige our young friend; 
 you can do it easily enough by introducing him in a capacity very desirable at 
 this close season of the year. Say you are bringing with you the cool of the 
 evening. " 
 
 NOT AT ALL. 
 
 At one time (says Rogers),^ when I gave a dinner, I used to have candles 
 placed all round the dining-room, and high up, in order to show off the 
 pictures. I asked Sydney Smith how he liked the plan. "Not at all," he 
 replied; "above there is a blaze of light, and below, nothing but darkness and 
 gnashing of teeth. " 
 
 1 In his Table, Talk, published by Dyce in 1856. 
 
i6 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 JUST SO. 
 Rogers says that when Sydney Smith's physicians advised him to take a 
 walk upon an empty stomach, he asked, "Upon whose?" 
 
 PROOF POSITIVE. 
 The same authority declares that Sydney Smith said: — "The Bishop of 
 — is so like Judas, that I now firmly believe in the Apostolical Succession." 
 
 NOT TALKING FAIR. 
 Sydney Smith, an enormous talker, complains (writes Lord Cockburn^) of 
 Macaulay never letting him get in a word. Smith once said to him, " Now, 
 Macaulay, when I am gone you'll be sorry that you never heard me speak. " * 
 
 A TREAT. 
 On another occasion (says Lord Cockbum) Smith said that he had found 
 Macaulay in bed from illness, and that he was therefore more agreeable than 
 he had ever seen him. "There were some glorious flashes of silence." 
 
 AUDI ALTERAM PARTEM. 
 Bishop Bloomfield had accepted an invitation to dinner at a house where 
 Sydney Smith was also to be present. The non-arrival of his lordship (says 
 Mark Boyd 3) delayed the dinner, when at last a note reached the host to say 
 that the bishop, as he was entering London House, had been bitten by a dog, 
 so that he must be excused. The note was read to the assembled guests, when 
 the Dean remarked that he should very much like to hear the dog's account 
 of the affair.* 
 
 ONE FOR THE BISHOP AND CO. 
 
 When the question of putting down wooden pavement around St Paul's 
 was first mooted, the Bishoj) [Bloomfield] summoned the authorities of the 
 cathedral to meet him. Sydney Smith (says Boyd) arrived early; but when 
 some little impatience was expressed at the non-arrival of the prelate and other 
 dignitaries, the worthy Dean remarked that, as the question of blockheads 
 had to be discussed, they had no other course left to them than to wait. 
 
 1 In the Memorials of his Time. 
 
 2 Smith is described by Ladj- Holland as saj'ing, " Oh yes, we both talk a great deal, but I 
 don't believe Macaulay ever did hear my voice. Sometimes, when I have told a good story, 
 I have thought to myself, ' Poor Macaulay ! he will be very sorry some day to have missed 
 hearing that.'" 
 
 3 In his Reminiscences. 
 
 4 This reminds us of a passage in Goldsmith's "Elegy on the Death of a Mad Dog"— 
 " The dog it was that died." 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 17 
 
 DISPERSING A DUCHESS. 
 
 Lady Chatterton^ says of Sydney Smith on one occasion: — He seemed to 
 suffer extremely from the heat, and said he should go to no more evening 
 parties, for the night before he had seriously meditated sending for the police 
 
 to disperse the Duchess of A . * ' She was standing in a doorway, " he 
 
 added, "and it was impossible to get my own large person through. Heigho ! 
 how convenient it would be if one could sit in one's skeleton in this kind of 
 weather." 
 
 BEWARE ! 
 
 The same lady writes of Sydney Smith in loco : — He said that he called 
 
 yesterday on Lady S , who was getting some new furniture, and he told 
 
 her to beware of modern furniture, for that when he went a day or two before 
 to visit some friends whose house was just newly furnished, he bad three 
 chairs killed un^er him before he left the house. 
 
 A DOUBLE CALENDAR. 
 
 Fanny Kemble says^ that when Miss Callender, afterwards Mrs Sheridan, 
 published a novel, the hero of which commits forgery, — that wicked wit, 
 Sydney Smith, said he knew she was a Callender, but did not know till then 
 that she was a Newgate Calendar. 
 
 ALMOST INCREDIBLE. 
 
 Greville^ writes in his diary : — Dined with Moore. . , . He told a good story 
 of Sydney Smith and Leslie the professor. Leslie had written upon the North 
 Pole ; something he had said had been attacked in the Edinburgh Review in a 
 way that displeased him. He called on Jeffrey just as he was getting on horse- 
 back, and in a great hurry Leslie began with a grave complaint on the subject, 
 which Jeffrey interrupted with, '* damn the North Pole! " Leslie went off in 
 high dudgeon, and soon after met Sydney, who, seeing him disturbed, asked 
 what was the matter. He told him what he had been to Jeffrey about, and 
 that he had in a very unpleasant way said, "Damn the North Pole." "It 
 was very bad," said Sydney; "but, do you know, I am not surprised at it, 
 for I have heard him speak very disrespectfully of The Equator."^ 
 
 1 See her Life, by her husband. 2 in her Records of a Girlhood. 
 
 3 Charles Greville, for many years clerk to the Privy Council. 
 
 4 This story is told by Lady Holland also. See her Memoirs of her father, where Leslie's 
 name, however, is not given. 
 
 B 
 
1 8 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 A GOOD REPROOF. 
 
 According to Lord Houghton, Sydney Smith once checked the old-fashioned 
 freedom of speech in Lord Melbourne, by suggesting that they should assume 
 everybody and everything to be damned, and come to the subject. 
 
 A TREASURE. 
 
 Mrs Marcet writes thus in Lady Holland's Life of Sydney Smith : — I was 
 coming downstairs [one] morning when Mr Smith suddenly said to Bunch 
 [the name of one of his servants], who was passing, — " Bunch, do you like roast 
 duck or boiled chicken?" Bunch had probably never tasted either the one or 
 the other in her life, but answered, without a moment's hesitation, " Roast 
 duck, please, sir," and disappeared. I laughed. "You may laugh," said he, 
 "but you have no idea of the labour it has cost me to give her that decision of 
 character. The Yorkshire peasantry are the quickest and shrewdest in the 
 world, but you can never get a direct answer from them; if you ask them even 
 their own names, they always scratch their heads and say, ' A's sur ai don't 
 knaw, sir ;' but I have brought Bunch to such perfection, that she never hesitates 
 now on any subject, however difficult. I am very strict with her. Would 
 you like to hear her repeat her crimes? She has them by heart, and repeats 
 them every day." " Come here, Bunch ! " calling out to her, " come and repeat 
 your crimes to Mrs Marcet ;" and Bunch, a clean, fair, squat, tidy little girl 
 about ten or twelve years of age, quite as a matter of course, as grave as a 
 judge, without the least hesitation, and with a loud voice, began to repeat — 
 ** Plate-snatching, gravy-spilling, door-slamming, blue-bottle fly-catching, and 
 curtsey -bobbing." "Explain to Mrs Marcet what blue-bottle fly-catching is." 
 " Standing with my mouth open and not attending, sir." " And what is curtsey- 
 bobbing?'* " Curtseying to the centre of the earth, please, sir." "Good girl! 
 now you may go. She makes a capital waiter, I assure you; on state occasions 
 Jack Robinson, my carpenter, takes off his apron and waits too, and does pretty 
 well, but he sometimes naturally makes a mistake, and sticks a gimlet into 
 the bread instead of a fork." 
 
 A RENCONTRE. 
 
 A gentleman named Anderson went to dine with a Dr Hall on one occasion. 
 The doctor was dressing when Anderson arrived. In the drawing-room he 
 found a gentleman waiting, with whom he at once entered into conversation, under 
 the idea that he was familiar with Brighton; but he soon undeceived him. 
 "'No, I never was in Brighton till to-day; but nevertheless, I have made 
 acquaintance with a great local power." " Who may that be ? " asked Anderson. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 19 
 
 *' Who he is, I know not ; but I am certain uihM lie is. It is tliat distinguished 
 functionary, the Master of the Ceremonies. It could be no one else. It 
 was a gentleman attired point device, walking down the parade like Agag, 
 ' delicately. ' He pointed out his toes like a dancing-master, but carried his 
 head high, like a potentate. As he passed the stand of flies he nodded approval, 
 as if he owned them all. As he approached the little goat-carriages, he looked 
 askance over the edge of his starched neckcloth, and blandly smiled encourage- 
 ment. Sure that, in following him, I was treading in the steps of greatness, 
 I went on to the pier, and there I was confirmed in my conviction of his 
 eminence; for I observed him look first over the right side and then over the 
 left, with an expression of serene satisfaction spreading over his countenance, 
 which said as plainly as if he had spoken to the sea aloud, * That is right. 
 You are low-tide at present; but, never mind, in a couple of hours I shall make 
 you high-tide again.'" At that instant (says J. C. Young^) Hall entered and 
 begged to introduce to James Anderson the "Rev. Sydney Smith." 
 
 A PUNNING SERIES. 
 
 Lord William Lennox, ^ writing of Theodore Hook, 3 says: — I once drove with 
 him to Epsom. During the whole journey he kept up a regular running fire of 
 pun, anecdote, and improviso. " ^Hawes, surgeon,'" said he; "that reminds 
 me of two lines I made on a saw-bones of that name, during the severe frost 
 
 of 1814 :— 
 
 ' Perpetual freezings and perpetual thaws, 
 Though had for hips, are good for Hawes.' " 
 
 As we reached Vauxhall Bridge, I remarked, '* I wonder if this bridge pays ?" 
 " Go over it, and you will be tolled, " was the reply. ' ' So, " said he, addressing 
 the gatekeeper, who was very hoarse, '*you haven't recovered your voice yet." 
 " No, sir," the man answered, " I've caught afresh cold." " But why did 
 you catch afresh one ? "Why didn't you have it cured ?" On we went, from 
 subject to subject, from pun to pun. The sign of the " Three Ravens" sug- 
 gested the reflection, "The owner must be ravin' mad." Soon afterwards, we 
 discerned a party of labourers employed in sinking a well. "What are 
 you about?" inquired Hook. "Boring for water, sir," replied a gaping clod. 
 «' Water's a bore at any time. Besides, you are quite wrong; remember the old 
 proverb, ' Leave well alone. ' " " Did you see in the paper this morning that 
 the Exeter Theatre is burnt down?" I asked, "Oh, yes, quite dramatic — 
 Enter a fire. Exit a theatre." 
 
 1 See J. C. Young's Diary, published with that of his father, Charles Mayne Young. 
 
 2 The author of several volumes of Recollections. 
 8 Journalist and novelist; 6. 1788, d. 1841. 
 
20 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 SOMEBODY. 
 
 Lord "William Lennox records a number of anecdotes about Hook. He 
 says in one place : — One day Hook observed a pompous gentleman walking in 
 very grand style along the Strand. Instantly leaving his companion, he went 
 up to him and said, '* I beg your pardon, sir; but may I ask, are you any one 
 in particular?" bowing respectfully, and passing on before the astonished 
 magnifico could collect himself to give a practical or other answer to the query. ^ 
 
 NOT ONE. 
 
 Again :— One evening at Brighton, when Hook sat down to the pianoforte, 
 he was given, as a subject, King William IV. " The king ? That won't do ; 
 he's no suljecty'^ was his ready response. 
 
 A GOOD REASON. 
 
 ''You're master of this house, I think," said Hook, as he drove up to a 
 rural inn door. "I am, sir," responded Boniface. "I thought so," con- 
 tinued Hook, "for your wife's been dead these six months." 
 
 MAKING A BUTT OF HIM. 
 
 A young gentleman was asked to sing at a party where Hook was, but he 
 assured the company that he could not sing, and added, that they only wished 
 to make a butt of him. " Oh, no," said the wit, " all we want is to get a 
 stave out of you." 
 
 VERY LIKE. 
 
 Two silly brothers, who were very much about town in Hook's time, took 
 pains by dressing alike to deceive their friends as to their identity. Some 
 one was expatiating upon these modern Dromios, at which Hook grew 
 impatient. "Well," said his friend, "we will admit that they resemble each 
 other wonderfully. They are as like as two peas." "They are," retorted 
 Theodore, " and quite as green. " 
 
 QUITE RIGHT. 
 
 An illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door, " Bear sold here. " " Quite 
 right," said Hook; "he means to apprise us that the article is his own Bruin.''' 
 
 1 J. C. Young has a more elaborate version of this story. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 21 
 
 A POWERFUL LIQUID. 
 An advertisement of Gowland's Lotion gave Hook an opportunity of saying, 
 " I wonder they don't wash Mount Etna with it, in the hopes of preventing 
 an eruption. " 
 
 "ON, STANLEY, ON!" 
 "You know everything," said Cannon;^ "what's going on?" "I am, 
 responded Hook, suiting the action to the word. 
 
 BREAD AND WINE. 
 Lord William Lennox and Hook once stopped to lunch at Epsom, when 
 the landlord produced an excellent bottle of old port. "There's food and 
 drink in this wine," exclaimed Hook. The landlord looked surprised. " Port 
 wine, with a crust." 
 
 A GUESS. 
 An intimate friend of W. H. Harrison's" told him of a dinner at John 
 Murray's (the elder), when Sir David Brewster gave some account relating to 
 the prismatic colours of mother-of-pearl. " Mither of pari!" said Hogg, the 
 poet; "Murray, what's mither of pari?" "Oh, I don't know," replied 
 Murray; "there's Hook; he knows everything; ask him." "Well, Hogg," 
 said the novelist, " I don't know, unless it's the Venerable Bede." 
 
 THREE WORDS. 
 The following anecdote of Theodore Hook was told by John Wilson Croker; 
 — One day, when a large party had assembled previous to dinner at the marin^i 
 residence of the latter, among the guests Avas a pious elderly lady, who was* 
 a perfect specimen of what Sydney Smith terms the "lemon-squeezers of 
 society, who act on you as a wet blanket, see a cloud in sunshine, the nails 
 of a coffin in the ribbons of a bride, extinguish all hope — people whose very 
 look sets your teeth on edge. " For a considerable time this spinster had, 
 by her acid remarks, damped even the spirit of Hook, and had completely, to 
 adopt a vulgar phrase, "shut him up." At length she approached him, and 
 having given a lecture on temperance that would have gladdened the heart of 
 George Cruikshank, drew forth from her pocket a packet of tracts. "Pray 
 accept this," she said; "it is called ' Three Words to a Drunkard.'" " 'Three 
 Words to a Drunkard,'" echoed the author of "Sayings and Doings;" "I 
 see—' Pass the bottle !' " 
 
 1 A fashionable clergyman in his day, of whom some anecdotes are recorded elsewhere in 
 this volume. 
 
 2 The Reminiscences of this writer were published in the University Magazine. 
 
22 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 CELLAR AND SELLER. 
 
 Moore writes in his diary : — Rogers told me some amusing tilings, one of 
 which was Theodore Hook's saying to some man, with whom a bibliopolist 
 dined the other day and got extremely drunk, "Why, you appear to me to 
 have emptied your m?ie-cellar into your 5oo^-seller." 
 
 AN IMPROMPTU. 
 
 Planche writes^: — I had often met Hook in society without being introduced 
 to him ; but our acquaintance and intimacy dated simultaneously from the 
 evening of a dinner at Horace Twiss's, in Park Place, St James's, ... It was a 
 very merry party. Mr John Murray (the great Murray of Albemarle Street), 
 James Smith, ^ and two or three others, remained till very late in the dining- 
 room, some of us singing and giving recitations. Hook being pressed to sing 
 another of his wonderful extemporary songs, consented, with a declaration 
 that the subject should be John Murray, Murray vehemently objected, and 
 a ludicrous contention took place, during which Hook dodged him round the 
 table, placing chairs in his path, which was sufficiently devious without them, 
 and singing all the while a sort of recitative, of which I remember only the 
 commencement : — 
 
 " My friend, John Murray, I see, has arrived at the head of the table ; 
 And the wonder is, at this time of night, that John Murray should be able. 
 He's an excellent hand at a dinner, and not a bad one at a lunch ; 
 But the devil of John Murray is, that he never will pass the punch." 
 
 PARLIAMENTARY. 
 
 The town (says Lord Albemarle ^) was at one time running after a foreigner 
 who played, or pretended to play, tunes on his chin. . . . The then chairman 
 of "Ways and Means" in the House of Commons was Mr Grant, who, to 
 distinguish him from two other members of the same surname, and from a 
 remarkable protuberance of his lower jaw, was popularly called "Chin 
 Grant." I was present one evening when, in some most amusing verses, 
 Theodore Hook descanted upon what he called the Swiss and Scotch chin- 
 men. Both, he said, had one object in view — the " Ways and Means;" but 
 they differed in the attainment of their end. The foreigner depended solely 
 on the chin, the Scotchman on the eyes and nose (Ayes and Noes). 
 
 1 In his Recollections. 
 
 2 Co-author, with his brother Horace, of Rejected Addresses and Horace in London. 
 s See hia Fifty Years of My Life. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 23 
 
 A BASHFUL MAN. 
 
 Westmacott (says Chorley^) told a Hookism at Lady Blessington's worthy 
 of being kept He was at some large party or other where the lady of the 
 house was more than usually coarsely anxious to get him to make sport for her 
 guests. A ring formed round him of people only wanting a word's encourage- 
 ment to burst out into a violent laugh. " Do, Mr Hook ; do favour us !" said 
 the lady for the hundredth time. ** Indeed, madam, I can't; I can't, indeed. 
 I am like that little bird, the canary; can't lay my eggs when any one is looking 
 at me." 
 
 A BRUTAL JEST. 
 
 Hook (says the same authority) was dining at Powell's one day, and the 
 talk fell upon/ew Jack Reeve. . . . "Yes," said Theodore, when they were 
 speaking of his funeral; " I was out that day; I met him in his private box, 
 going to the pit." 
 
 WHERE, INDEED? 
 
 Apropos of cutlets (said Hook of himself) I once called upon an old lady, 
 who pressed me so urgently to stay and dine with her that, as I had no en- 
 gagement, I could not refuse. On sitting down, the servant uncovered two 
 chops, and my old friend said, "Mr Hook, you see your dinner ?" "Thank 
 you, ma'am," said I ; " but where's yours ?" ^ 
 
 A SHADE ABOVE. 
 
 Barham diarizes : — Dined at Sir Andrew Barnard's. . . . Hook made but 
 one pun ; on Walpole's remarking that, of two pictures mentioned, one was 
 "a shade above the other in point of merit," he replied: "I presume you 
 mean to say it was a s?iade over {chef d'ceuvre)." 
 
 VINGT-UN. 
 
 Elsewhere Barham says: — Hook spoke in the course of the evening of his 
 two eldest daughters, of whom Mary, the senior, had just turned twenty-one. 
 The name of the second was Louisa, and he designated them accordingly as 
 ' ' Vingt-un ' ' and ' * Loo ! " — - 
 
 1 In his Li/e, edited by Hewlett. 2 Recorded by Planch6. 
 
24 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 VINGT-UN AND OVER. 
 
 Barham again records: — In the course of the evening, Hook, looking at my 
 son, said to me. "How do these fellows make us feel! It was but the other 
 day that chap was standing at my knee, listening to my stories with ears, 
 eyes, and mouth wide open, and now he is a man, I suppose?" "Yes," I said, 
 *' he is three or four-and-twenty." " Ah, I see— Vingt-un overdrawn !" 
 
 A CHARACTERISTIC STORY. 
 
 Hook (says Barham) told us an amusing story of his going down to "Wor- 
 cester, to see his brother the Dean, with Henry Higginson (his companion in 
 many of his frolics). They arrived separately at the coach, and taking their 
 places in the inside, opposite to each other, pretended to be strangers. After 
 some time, they begin to hoax their fellow-travellers — the one affecting to see 
 a great many things not to be seen, the other confirming it and admiring 
 them. " What a beautiful house that on the hill !" cried Higginson, when no 
 house was near the spot ; " it must command a most magnificent prospect from 
 the elevation on which it stands." " Why, yes," returned Hook, "the view 
 must be extensive enough, but I cannot think these windows in good taste. 
 To run out bay windows in a Gothic front, in my opinion, ruins the effect of 
 the whole building." "Ah, that is the new proprietor's doings," was the 
 reply; "they were not there when the marquis had possession." Here one of 
 their companions interfered. He had been stretching his neck for some time, 
 in the vain hope of getting a glimpse of the mansion in question, and now asked: 
 "Pray, sir, what house do you mean ? I don't see any house." " That, sii, with 
 the turrets and large bay windows, on the hill," said Hook, with profound gravity, 
 pointing to a thick wood. "Dear me," returned the old gentleman, bobbing 
 about to catch the desired object, "I can't see it for those confounded trees!" 
 The old gentleman, luckily for them, proved an indefatigable asker of questions, 
 and the answers he received, of course, added much to his stock of authentic 
 information. * ' Pray, sir, do you happen to know to whom that house belongs ? " 
 inquired he, pointing to a magnificent mansion and handsome park in the 
 distance. "That, sir," replied Hook, "is Womberly Hall, the seat of Sir 
 Abraham Hume, which he won at billiards from the Bishoj) of Bath and Wells, " 
 " You don't say so !" cried the old gentleman, in pious horror, and taking out 
 his pocket-book begged his informant to repeat the name of the seat, which he 
 readily did ; and it was entered accordingly, the old gentleman shaking his 
 head gravely the while, and bewailing the profligacy of an age in which digni- 
 taries of the Church practised gambling to so alarming an extent. The fre- 
 quency of the remarks, however, made by the associates on objects which the 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 25 
 
 eyesight of no one else was good enough to take in, began at length to excite 
 some suspicion ; and Hook's breaking suddenly into a rapturous exclamation 
 at "the magnificent burst of the ocean !" in the midst of an inland country, a 
 Wiltshire farmer, who had been for some time staring alternately at them and 
 the window, thrust out his head, and after reconnoitring for a couple of 
 minutes, drew it in again, and, looking full in the face of the sea-gazer, ex- 
 claimed, with considerable emphasis, "Well, now then, I'm d d if I think 
 
 you can see the ocean, as you call it, for all you pretends!" and continued 
 very sulky all the rest of the way. 
 
 MORE MYSTIFICATION. 
 
 Barham's Diary also yields the following: — Called on Hook. In the course 
 of conversation he gave me an account of his going to Lord Melville's trial 
 with a friend. They went early, and were engaged in conversation when the 
 peers began to enter. At this moment, a country-looking lady, whom he 
 afterwards found to be a resident at Pye, in Sussex, touched his arm, and said, 
 " I beg your pardon, sir, but pray who are those gentlemen in red now coming 
 in?" "Those, ma'am," returned Theodore, "are the barons of England. In 
 these cases the junior peers always come first." "Thank you, sir; much 
 obliged to you, Louisa, my dear (turning to a girl about fourteen), tell Jane 
 (about ten) those are the barons of England, and the juniors — that's the 
 youngest, you know — always goes first. Tell her to be sure and remember that 
 when we get home." "Dear me, ma!" said Louisa, "can that gentleman be 
 one of the youngest ? I am sure he looks very old." Human nature, added 
 Hook, could not stand this. Any one, though with no more mischief in him 
 than a dove, must have been excited to a hoax. * ' And pray, sir," continued 
 the lady, "what gentlemen are these?" pointing to the bishops, who came 
 next in order, in the dress which they wore on state occasions, viz., the rocket 
 and lawn sleeves over their doctor's robes. " Gentlemen, madam ! " said Hook, 
 "these are not gentlemen; these are ladies — elderly ladies — the dowager 
 peeresses in their own right. " The fair enquirer fixed a penetrating glance upon 
 his countenance, saying, as plainly as an eye can say, "Are you quizzing me, 
 or no ? " Not a muscle moved, till at last, tolerably well satisfied with her 
 scrutiny, she turned round and whispered, "Louisa, dear, the gentleman says 
 that these are elderly ladies, and dowager peeresses in their own right. Tell 
 Jane not to forget that." All went smoothly till the speaker of the House of 
 Commons attracted her attention by the rich embroidery of his robes. " Pray, 
 sir," said she, "and who is that fine-looking person opposite?" "That, 
 madam," was the answer, "is Cardinal Wolsey!" "No, sir," cried the ladj'-, 
 drawing herself up, and casting at her informant a look of angry disdain, "we 
 
26 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 knows a little better than that. Cardinal Wolsey has been dead many a good 
 year!" "No such thing, my dear madam, I assure you," replied Hook, with 
 a gravity that must have been almost preternatural; " it has been, I know, so 
 reported in the country, but without the least foundation. In fact, those 
 rascally newspapers will say anything. " The good old gentlewoman appeared 
 thunderstruck, opened her eyes to their full extent, and gasped like a dying 
 carp; vox faucibus hossit. Seizing a daughter. with each hand, she hurried 
 without another word from the spot. 
 
 WHETHER OR NO. 
 The last time (says Barham, jun.) that Theodore Hook dined at Amen 
 Corner, he was unusually late, and dinner was served before he made his 
 appearance. Mr Barham apologized for having sat down without him, observ- 
 ing that he had quite given him up, and had supposed " that the weather had 
 deterred him." "Oh," replied Hook, "I had determined to come, iveather 
 or no ! " 
 
 A STINGY HOST. 
 J. C. Young is responsible for the following : — One lovely summer's day 
 
 [Theodore Hook] was strolling in company with Mr B , in the garden of 
 
 the Star and Garter at Richmond, when his friend was accosted by two gentle- 
 men, one of whom was a noble lord, equally remarkable for his colossal 
 fortune, occasional munificence, and general parsimony. While the three 
 conversed together, Hook slowly walked aside. The noble peer observing 
 
 him, asked B who was his friend. "Oh! that is Theodore Hook," was 
 
 his reply. On hearing the well-known name, my lord exclaimed, "You 
 don't say so ! What good fortune ! He is a man of all others whom I desire 
 to know. Pray introduce me to him." The introduction takes place, and 
 
 the marquis tells Hook that he and his friend. Lord , are just going to 
 
 lunch, and if he and B will join them in a partie carree, he shall be 
 
 delighted. Hook, never insensible to the attractions of the table, and per- 
 suaded, from the high rank and great wealth of the inviter, that he should 
 fare sumptuously, yielded a cordial and gratified acceptance, and adjourned 
 to the apartment occupied by his recent acquaintance. On entering the 
 room the bell is rung, and on the waiter making his appearance, the host takes 
 him aside and gives him certain instructions, about the nature of which the 
 two just invited guests have no doubts. Two additional napkins are laid, 
 two additional chairs are set, two additional wine-glasses grace the board, two 
 pickle-stands — one with red cabbage, the other with pickled onions — take their 
 place in the centre of the table. Hook is rather disconcerted at the sight of 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 
 
 merely one small sherry-glass being allotted to each person, but comforts him- 
 self with the reflection that the champagne-glasses will be introduced after a 
 few preliminary glasses of Amontillado. At last the banquet is set, the 
 covers are taken off two willow-pattern dishes, one containing four goodly loin 
 chops, the other four fine mealy potatoes, and a pint decanter of sherry crowns 
 the meal. " "Well," thought Hook, " I am not certain that this simple kind 
 of repast is not the best for lunch, and I like the fashion of having one's chop 
 hot and hot, and a change of wines, instead of being confined to one ! " In a 
 few minutes every knife and fork is laid down, every chop and potato has 
 been despatched, and just as Hook is expecting a fresh relay of wine and 
 viand, to his unutterable disgust his entertainer addresses him in the follow- 
 ing language : — "My dear Mr Hook ! I hope you will forgive me, but I have 
 so very often heard of your marvellous talent, that I am naturally impatient 
 for an exhibition of it. Would you favour us with a song ? " " Oh ! " said the 
 man appealed to, "with pleasure!" To the indescribable astonishment of 
 all present he begins to sing ** God save the King. " As he delivered each line 
 his host looked to his intimate friend for something like sympathy — " What 
 on earth can the man mean by singing us the National Anthem ? " However 
 his motive was soon explained, for on coming to the following lines — 
 
 " Happy and glorious. 
 Long to reign over us," 
 
 he thus rendered them, delivering the words as if under the influence of too 
 nnudi liquor — 
 
 " Happ-y and glo-ri-ous, 
 A pint— between four of us." 
 
 This, I think (adds Young) was a case of " Chop with Worcester sauce" versus 
 *' Cheek with Fulham sauce.'' 
 
 SOME ONE TO MEET HIM. 
 Lord Dudley^ (writes Sydney Smith) was one of the most absent men, I think, 
 I ever met in society. One day he met me in the street, and invited me to 
 meet myself. "Dine with me to-day; dine with me, and I will get Sydney 
 Smith to meet you. " I admitted the temptation he held out to me, but said 
 I was engaged to meet him elsewhere. 
 
 A VILLAIN. 
 Another time (says Sydney Smith of Lord Dudley) on meeting me, he 
 turned back, put his arm through mine, muttering, ' * I don't mind walking 
 with him a little way; I'll walk with him as far as the end of the street." Ab 
 
 1 John William Ward, Earl of Dudley, politician; &. 1781, d. 1833. 
 
TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 we proceeded together, W passed. " That is the villain," exclaimed he, 
 
 "** who helped me yesterday to asparagus, and gave me no toast." 
 
 "HEAR! HEAR!" 
 Yet another story of Lord Dudley, as told by Sydney Smith : — He very 
 nearly upset my gravity once in the pulpit. He was sitting immediately 
 under me, apparently very attentive, when suddenly he took up his stick, as 
 if he had been in the House of Commons, and tapping on the ground with it, 
 •cried out in a low but very audible whisper, ** Hear ! hear ! hear ! " ^ 
 
 DUDLEY V. WARD. 
 A good deal of talk (says Moore in his Diary) about Lord Dudley : his two 
 voices, squeak and bass, seem, as one has said, "like Lord Dudley conversing 
 Avith Lord Ward." ^ 
 
 AN ADVANTAGE. 
 Rogers mentioned to Moore a clever thing said by Lord Dudley, on some 
 Vienna lady remarking impudently to him, " What wretchedly bad French 
 you all speak in London!" *'It is true, madam,'' he answered, "we have 
 not enjoyed the advantage of having the French twice in our capital"^ 
 
 QUANTUM MUTATUS ! 
 Lord Dudley (says Lord Albemarle) was a frequent guest at the Brighton 
 Pavilion. His knowledge of good living led him easily to detect a great falling 
 off in the royal cuisine since the death of George IV. Sitting next King 
 William, he exclaimed in his deep bass, "What a change, to be sure! — cold 
 ^aUs and hot champagne." 
 
 POLITE. 
 The King and Queen, William and Charlotte, when Duke and Duchess of 
 Clarence, once dined with Lord Dudley, who handed her Eoyal Highness into 
 dinner. Scarcely seated, he began to soliloquise aloud : "What bores these 
 Royalties are ! Ought I to drink wine with her as I would with any other 
 woman ? " and in the same tone continued, " May I have the honour of a glass 
 
 . 1 Mr Bemal Osborne told the Rev. J. C. Young a very similar story about that clergy- 
 man's father, the actor, Charles Mayne Young ; how, at the close of a preacher's long and 
 eloquent outburst, "the habits of the actor's former life betrayed themselves, and he 
 littered, in a deep under tone, the old familiar ' Bravo ! ' " 
 
 2 His lordship's full title was " Earl of Dudley and Ward." 3 See " Tit for Tat" (p. 43). 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 29. 
 
 of wine with your Eoyal Highness ? ' ' Towards the end of the dinner he asked her 
 again. "With great pleasure, Lord Dudley," she replied, smiling; "but I 
 have had one glass with you already." "The brute! and so she has!" was 
 the rejoinder. This is also told by Lord Albemarle. 
 
 ONE AT ALL EVENTS. 
 
 Lord Dudley was introduced at an evening party to Lady N , whom he- 
 
 was requested to hand down to supper. Her ladyship (says Archdeacon 
 Sinclair) ^ availed herself of the opportunity to present her two daughters, after 
 which ceremony she overheard him, as they went downstairs, muttering to 
 himself in his usual undertone : '* The fair one is plain; the dark one is not 
 amiss; but the fair one is exceedingly plain." " I am glad, my lord," says 
 Lady N , with good-humoured readiness, ' ' that, at all events, the dark- 
 one pleases you. " 
 
 A BORE. 
 
 The same authority says that a gentleman from Staffordshire prevailed on 
 Lord Dudley to present him at Court. They got on very well as far as St 
 James Street, where they were stopped nearly half-an-hour by the line of car- 
 riages. His lordship then forgot himself, and, after a long pause, began :. 
 *'Now, this tiresome country squire will be expecting me to ask him to 
 dinner. Shall I ask him, or shall I not? No; I think he would be a bore." 
 The individual so unexpectedly blackballed was at first confounded; but, 
 recollecting his companion's infirmity, commenced in turn an audible soli- 
 loquy: "Now, this tiresome old peer will, of course, be asking me to dine 
 with him to-day. Shall I go, or shall I not go ? No ; I think it would be a 
 bore." This impromptu was well taken; and the invitation was given in 
 earnest, and accepted. ^ 
 
 SOME KITCHEN GIRL. 
 
 At a dinner (says Sinclair) given by Lord Wilton, who had one of the best 
 cooks in London, Lord Dudley tasted some dish of which he did not approve, 
 and, forgetting where he was, began apologising to the company for the bad- 
 ness of the entertainment. "The fact is," said he, " that my head cook was 
 taken ill, and some kitchen girl, I suppose, has been employed to dress the 
 dinner." ^ 
 
 1 See his OM Times and Distant Places. 
 
 2 This story is told more briefly by Moore, and more fully by Gronow, who, however,, 
 somewhat alters the circumstances. 
 
 * Moore tells something very similar about a certain Dean Ogle. ] 
 
30 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 A VERY PRETTY WOMAN, BUT . 
 
 Lord Dudley (says Gronow) was once paying a morning visit to the beau- 
 tiful Lady M . He sat an unconscionably long time, and the lady, after 
 
 giving him some friendly hints, took up her work and tried to make conver- 
 sation. Lord Dudley broke a long fit of silence by muttering, '' A very pretty 
 
 woman, this Lady M ! She stays a devilish long time — I wish she'd go." 
 
 He thought Lady M was paying him a visit in his own house. 
 
 CRUEL. 
 
 Rogers's well-known epigram on Mr "Ward (afterwards Lord Dudley) — 
 
 " They say Ward has no heart, hut I deny it; 
 He has a heart, and gets his speeches by it—" 
 
 was provoked (says Gronow) by a remark made at table by Mr "Ward. On 
 Rogers observing that his carriage had broken down, and that he had been 
 obliged to come in a hackney coach, Mr Ward grumbled out in a very 
 audible whisper, " In a hearse, I should think;" alluding to the poet's corpse- 
 like appearance. This remark Rogers never forgave. 
 
 QUITE " CHEZ LUI." 
 
 Lord Dudley, receiving a visit from the poet Rogers at Paris, proposed that 
 they should go together to the Catacombs. It has often been remarked (says 
 Sinclair) that, with his fine bald head, wrinkled skin, and sunk cheeks, he 
 was more liKe a death's head than any man that was ever seen alive. Accord- 
 ingly, when the poet had spent an hour or two in the abodes of mortality, 
 and was about to make his exit, the keeper, startled by his death-like appear- 
 ance, tried to stop him, crying out: " Hulloa! Get you back; you have no 
 right to come out. " Rogers afterwards complained to Lord Dudley that he 
 had cruelly deserted him in this emergency. " My dear Rogers," replied the 
 earl, "I did not like to interfere; you looked so much at home." 
 
 STILL THEY SAY SO. 
 
 (says Raikes in his Diary) is a good-natured, was a very good-looking 
 
 man, not overflowing with intellect, but still far from deserving the sarcastic 
 comment of the late Lord Dudley. It was at a time when poor Dudley's 
 mind was on the wane, when his caustic humour would still find vent through 
 the cloud whicl^ was gradually overshading his masterly intellect; he was 
 sitting in his roopa, unheeding those around him, and soliloquising aloild, as 
 \ 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 31 
 
 was so often his custom. His favourite Newfoundland dog was at his side, 
 who seemed to engross the whole of his attention. At length, patting his 
 head, he exclaimed, "Fido mio, they say dogs have no souls. Humph! 
 And still they say has a soul ! " 
 
 SUBSTANTIAL DAEKNESS. 
 
 Many of Luttrell's ^ best remarks are to be found recorded in Moore's Diaiy. 
 At one place Moore says: — I was mentioning that some one had said of 
 Sharpe's very dark complexion, that he looked as if the dye of his old trade 
 (liat-making) had got engrained into his face. " Yes," said Luttrell, "dark- 
 ness that may be felt ./"^ 
 
 CAUSE AND EFFECT. 
 
 Moore told Luttrell of some one saying Miss 's father and mother were 
 
 " afraid to let her off the premises." "For fear, I suppose," said Luttrell, 
 " that she should come to the conclusion" 
 
 AILING. 
 
 Moore writes in one of the entries in his Diary ^ ^ 
 
 from the fright of the pony kicking last night. On my saying that I thought 
 the strong beer at Bowood might have something to do with it, Luttrell said, 
 " Yes, he's aZeing, I suppose." 
 
 ASHES. 
 
 In talking of a club, of which a certain Ashe was the founder, somebody 
 said that a son of Ashe was at present chairman of it. " Still in its ashes 
 live their wonted fires," said Luttrell. 
 
 INSTINCT INDEED ! 
 
 Apropos of some stories of instinct in animals, carrier pigeons, etc.: "I 
 am told," says Luttrell, "a man who buys a flock of Welsh sheep never sees 
 them again; they are all oflf to Carnarvonshire that night." 
 
 1 Heury Luttrell, &. 1770, d. 1851 ; author ot Advice to Julia (1820), and other poems, 
 
 2 Recorded by Greville also. 
 
32 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 THE REVERSE. 
 Luttrell told a party of friends that, on some one saying to Sir F. Gould,, 
 "I am told you eat three eggs every day at breakfast:"— "No;" answered 
 Gould, "on the contrary." Some of those present asked "what was the 
 contrary of eating three eggs?" "Laying three eggs, I suppose," said 
 Luttrell. 
 
 CLASSICAL. 
 Another entry in Moore's Diary :— Talked of the dull audience I had the 
 other night at Bowood: told [Luttrell] I was fool enough to fancy at first 
 that Mrs F. was crying, and that I found she was only putting up her hands 
 to settle her spectacles. "Ay," he said, "you thought it was node pluit totd, 
 instead of which it was redeunt spectacula." 
 
 VERY CATCHING. 
 When Head was describing the use of the lasso in catching men as well as 
 animals, Luttrell said the first syllable of it had caught many a man. 
 
 A DINER-OUT. 
 Sydney Smith talking of the bad effects of late hours, and saying of some 
 distinguished diner-out, that there would be on his tomb : "He dined late," 
 — "and died early," rejoined Luttrell. 
 
 FULL STOP. 
 In saying something about O'Connell (I forget what), Luttrell (says Moore) 
 applied the line : "Through all the compass of the notes he ran," and then 
 added, after a pause, " The diapason closing full in Dan." ^ 
 
 MAKING ROOM. 
 Talking of Lady Holland's crowded dinners, and her bidding people con- 
 stantly "to make room," Luttrell said, "It must certainly be made, for it 
 does not exist." 
 
 ENGLISH CLIMATE. 
 This was Luttrell's idea of the English climate: — "On a fine day, like 
 looking up a chimney ; on a rainy day, like looking down it." 
 
 1 See Dryden's " Song for St Cecilia's Day." 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 33 
 
 SPEAKING BY HEART. 
 This was LuttrelFs version of the joke about Lord Dudley's speaking by 
 
 heart : — ^ 
 
 " In vain my affections the ladies are seeking, 
 If I give up my heart, there's an end to my speaking." 
 
 A REMINDER. 
 
 I think (says Sydney Smith) it was Luttrell who used to say, " 's face 
 
 always reminded him of boiled butter and near relations. " 
 
 AS FAR AS POSSIBLE. 
 Sydney Smith also records the following: — " Was not very disagree- 
 able?" "Why, he was as disagreeable as the occasion would permit," 
 Luttrell said. 
 
 MONKEYS. 
 And this: — Luttrell used to say, "I hate the sight of monkeys; they 
 remind me so of poor relations." 
 
 MIXING WITH BISHOPS. 
 
 Luttrell (says Planche) rarely recounted anything he had heard or seen, but 
 charmed you by the sparkle of his language an d the felicity of his epithets. 
 One evening at a party, having accepted a verbal invitation to dinner, under 
 the idea that his son, who was present, would also be asked, and j&nding sub- 
 sequently that he was not, he said, " Then who is going to dine there?" " I 
 
 really don't know, but I believe the Bishop of for one." " The Bishop 
 
 of ! " exclaimed Luttrell. " Mercy upon me ! I don't mix well with the 
 
 Dean, and I shall positively eflfervesce with the Bishop." 
 
 THE LAST STRAW. 
 On one occasion the late Lady Holland took Luttrell a drive in her car- 
 riage over a rough road, and as she was very nervous, she insisted on being 
 driven at a foot's pace. This ordeal lasted some hours, and when he was at 
 last released, poor Luttrell, perfectly exasperated, rushed into the nearest 
 club-house, and exclaimed, clenching his teeth and hands, "The very funerals 
 passed us ! " 
 
 1 See Rogers's epigram on page 30. It was written, he himself admitted, " with some 
 little assistance from Richard Sharp." 
 
34 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 A PEEFERENCE. 
 Some of the best sayings of that famous wit and man of fashion, Jekyll, 
 have been recorded for us by the poet Moore. For example, the latter writes 
 in his Diary : — Bankes's " Civil History of Rome," which I have looked over, 
 but a dull book. Jekyll said the other day to a man who professed to like 
 Bankes's book, ' ' I suppose you would rather have his Rome (room) than his 
 company." 
 
 HIS RIGHT. 
 Moore writes elsewhere : — Luttrell mentioned a good pun of Jekyll's. Being 
 asked why he no longer spoke to a lawyer of the name of Peat, Jekyll said, 
 ** I choose to give up his acc[ii.aintance ; I have common of Turbary, and have 
 a right to cut Peat." 
 
 "TO THE GREEKS." 
 Moore is further responsible for this : — Mentioned Jekyll's saying quietly 
 
 to himself, when some one mentioned that is gone to Greece, **To the 
 
 Greeks foolishness. " 
 
 " RUAT CCELUM," &c. 
 In another passage, Moore says : — Bobus (Smith i) gave a new and better 
 reading of Jekyll's joke respecting the day the ceiling fell down during dinner 
 at Lansdowne House ; Jekyll himself having escaped dining there by an 
 engagement to meet the judges. "I had been asked," he said, *'to P\,uat 
 Ccdlum, but dined instead with Fiat Justitia. " 
 
 TURNING ON THE MUSIC. 
 Again : — Jekyll said that, when the great water works were established at 
 Chelsea, there was a proposal for having there also a great organ, from which 
 families might be supplied with sacred music, according as they wished, by 
 turning the cock oflf or on ; but one objection, he said, was, that upon a thaw 
 occurring after a long frost, you might have "Judas Maccabseus" bursting 
 out at Charing Cross, and there would be no getting him under. 
 
 TRUE PIETY. 
 Jekyll said that Kenyon ^ died of eating apple pie-crust at breakfast, to save 
 the expense of muffins, and that Lord EUenborough, who succeeded to the 
 Chief-Justiceship in consequence, always bowed with great reverence to apple- 
 pie ; " which," said Jekyll, " we used to call apple pie-ty." 
 
 1 Robert Smith, brother of the famous Canon of St Paul's. 2 The judge. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 35 
 
 GOOD FOR SOMETHING. 
 "When it was mentioned that the Russians, during their stay in England, 
 eat up great quantities of tallow candles, Jekyll said that it was a species of 
 food "bad for the liver, hut good for the lights." 
 
 A CONTRADICTION. 
 Upon hearing that Logier taught thorough-bass in three lessons, Jekyll 
 said it contradicted the old saying, '^ Nemo I'cpente fuit turpissimus. " 
 
 WHERE THE WISE MEN CAME FROM. 
 
 I think (says Sydney Smith) it was Jekyll that used to say that '* the fur- 
 ther he went west, the more convinced he felt that the wise men did come 
 from the east."^ 
 
 "A SHUTTLECOCK." 
 I remember (says Rogers) that when Lady Cork gave a party at which she 
 wore a most enormous plume, Jekyll said, "She was exactly a shuttlecock, — 
 all cotJc and feathers." 
 
 THE CORK AND THE BOTTLE. 
 
 The Earl of Albemarle says he remembers meeting, at General Phipps's, 
 George Colman, the author of "Broad Grins;" James Smith, one of the 
 authors of the " Rejected Addresses ; " and Jekyll, oionpareil of the punsters. 
 The only lady in the company was the Dowager Lady Cork. "Mr Colman," 
 said Lady Cork, ' ' you are so agreeable that you shall drink a glass of cham- 
 pagne with me." "Your Ladyship's wishes are laws to me," answered 
 Colman, "but really champagne does not agree with me." Upon which 
 Jekyll called out, "Faith, Colman, you seem more attached to the Cork than 
 the bottle." 
 
 APPROPRIATE TO THE OCCASION. 
 Crabb Robinson writes : — I heard the other day of Jekyll making the fol- 
 lowing pun. He said, "Erskine^ used to hesitate very much, and could, not 
 speak very well after dinner. I dined with him once at the Fishm'jngers' 
 Company. He made such a sad work of speechifying that I asked him 
 whether it was in honour of the Company that he floundered so. " / 
 
 1 Also ascribed to Sergeant Davy. / 
 
 2 The orator and wit. See the Chapter on Lawyers. t 
 
36 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 A DIFFERENT MATTER. 
 Lord Eldon writes : — I met Jekyll in the street the day after his 
 retirement [from the office of Master in Chancery] ; when, according to his 
 usual manner, he addressed me in a joke : — "Yesterday, Lord Chancellor, I 
 was your Master ; to-day I am my own master." 
 
 TIRING. 
 
 Bored (says JeafFreson ^) with the long-winded speech of a prosy serjeant, 
 Jekyll wrote on a slip of paper, which was in due course passed along the 
 barristers' benches in the court where he was sitting — 
 
 The Serjeants are a grateful race ; 
 
 Their dress and language show it ; 
 Their purple garments come from Tyrz, 
 
 Their arguments go to it. 
 
 TOO TOUGH. 
 When Garrow (says the same authority) by a more skilful than successful 
 cross-examination, was endeavouring to lure a witness (an unmarried lady of 
 advanced years) into an acknowledgment that payment of certain money in 
 dispute had been tendered, Jekyll threw him this couplet — 
 Garrow, forbear ; that tough old jade 
 WUl never prove a Under maid. 2 
 
 ALL LEAN TOGETHER. 
 Again: when Lord Eldon and Sir Arthur Pigott each made a stand in 
 court for his favourite pronunciation of the word "lien," — Lord Eldon calling 
 the word lion, and Sir Arthur maintaining that it was to be pronounced like 
 lean, — Jekyll, with an allusion to the parsimonious arrangements of the 
 Chancellor's kitchen, perpetrated the following jeu d' esprit : — 
 Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, why, what do you mean 
 
 By saying the Chancellor's lion is lean ? 
 D'ye think that his kitchen's so bad as all that. 
 That nothing within it can ever get fat ? 
 
 NOTHING TURNED. 
 "Ii'i Lord Kenyon's house," a wit exclaimed, "all the year through there 
 is Lent 'in the kitchen and Passion Week in the parlour." Another caustic 
 
 1 In ^ Book about Lawyers. Jekyll, we may remark, was much less of a lawyer than of a 
 man of fashion, and hence his appearance in this chapter. 
 
 2 Related also by J. C. Young. It has been attributed to Erskine. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. n 
 
 (Quidnunc remarked, "In his Lordship's kitchen the fire is dull, but the spits 
 are always bright." Whereupon Jekyll interposed with an assumption of 
 testiness : "Spits ! in the name of common sense, I order you not to talk about 
 his spits, for nothing turns upon them." 
 
 WHY NOT? 
 One of Jekyll's best displays of brilliant impudence was perpetrated on a 
 Welsh judge, who was notorious alike for his greed of office and his want of 
 personal cleanliness. ''My dear sir," Jekyll observed, in his most amiable 
 manner, to this most unamiable personage, " You have asked the minister for 
 almost everything else, why don't you ask him for a piece of soap and a nail- 
 brush?" 
 
 A HINT. 
 Mr Thomas Raikes, who published a diary, was pitted with small-pox even 
 to the tip of his nose. It seems (says Frederick Locker) that he wrote an 
 anonymous and rather offensive letter to Count D'Orsay, and as an additional 
 insult he secured the envelope with a red wafer and stamped it with a 
 thimble. D'Orsay guessed who was the sender, and soon after, happening to 
 meet Raikes, he mildly counselled him thus: "The next time, mon cher, you 
 write anyone an anonymous letter, and would rather not be found out, do 
 not seal it with the tip of your nose. " ^ 
 
 "ONE GREY HAIR." 
 Count D'Orsay (says J. C. Young) was at a party one night at which Pro- 
 fessor 0[wen] was. The latter crept quietly behind the chair, and plucked a 
 hair from his head, and holding up his spoil in triumph, cried out to the 
 company, "Look, ladies and gentlemen, one grey hair." D'Orsay remained 
 unmoved. Later in the evening, he went behind the grey -haired geologist, 
 twitched out a hair from his head, held it to the candles, and exclaimed, 
 "Ladies, look here. Here is, positively, one black hair." 
 
 MUCH MORE CONVENIENT. 
 
 Chorley teUs us in his Diary that he has heard Count D'Orsay^ tell, how, 
 
 when he was in England for the first time (very young, very handsome, and 
 
 not abashed), he was placed at some dinner-party next the late Lady Holland. 
 
 That singular woman chanced that day to be in one of her imperious humours. 
 
 1 Also told by Gronow. 
 
 2 See Lady Blessington's Life and Letters: also Charles Mathews's Lift. 
 
38 TREA S UR V OF MODERN ANECDO TE. 
 
 She dropped her napkin; the Count picked it up gallantly; then her fan, 
 then her spoon, then her glass ; and as often her neighbour stooped and 
 restored the lost article. At last, however, the patience of the youth gave 
 way, and on her dropping her napkin again, he turned and called one of the 
 footmen behind him. " Put my convert on the floor," said he ; " I will finish 
 my dinner there ; it will be so much more convenient to my Lady Holland." 
 
 FOR THE RETURN JOURKEY. 
 Lord Alvanley (says Rogers) on returning home, after his duel with young 
 O'Connell, gave a guinea to the hackney coachman who had driven him out 
 and brought him back. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, 
 
 "My Lord, I only took you to ." Alvanley interrupted him: **My 
 
 friend, the guinea is for bringing me back, not for taking me out."^ 
 
 A PAIR. 
 
 Some reformer (says Greville) was clamouring for the expulsion of the 
 bishops from the House of Lords, but said he would not have them all go ; he 
 would leave two. *'To keep up the breed, I suppose," said Alvanley.'^ 
 
 A GOOD PROTECTION". 
 Moore tells what he calls " a good story " of B. Craven and Lord Alvanley, 
 when an accident happened to their carriage. The former, getting out to 
 thrash the footman, saw he was an old fellow, and said, " Your age. protects 
 you;" while Alvanley, who had advanced towards the postillion with the 
 same intention, seeing he was an athletic young fellow, turned from him, say- 
 ing, in his waggish way, ' ' Your youth protects you. " 
 
 NOT TO BE DONE. 
 At a fSte at Hatfield House, tableaux vivants were among the chief amuse- 
 ments, and scenes from Ivanhoe were among the selections. All the parts 
 were filled up but that of Isaac of York. Lady Salisbury (says Barham) 
 begged Lord Alvanley "to make the set complete by doing the Jew." "Any- 
 thing in my power your Ladyship may command," replied Alvanley, "but 
 though no man in Ei .gland has tried oftener, I never could do a Jew in my 
 life." 
 
 1 This story is also told by Raikes in his Diary. 
 
 2 "Attributed to Alvanley," says Greville. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 39 
 
 A CYNICAL EEJOINDER. 
 Miss Mitford writes to one of her correspondents : — Our king [William 
 IV.] is tiZ^ra-popular. Have you heard Lord Alvanley's ton mot concerning 
 him ? He was standing at the window at White's, when the king, with a 
 thousand of his loving subjects at his heels, was walking up St James's Street. 
 A friend said to him, *' What are you staring at, Alvanley ?" " I'm waiting 
 to see his Majesty's pockets picked," was the reply. 
 
 A BAD JUDGE. 
 One of the gay men of the day, named Judge, being incarcerated in the 
 Bench, some one (says Gronow) observed he believed it was the first instance 
 of a Judge reaching the Bench without being previously called to the bar ; to 
 which Alvanley replied, *' Many a bad judge has been, taken from the bench 
 and placed at the bar, " 
 
 BOUND IN CALF. 
 When Sir Lumley Skeffington, who had been a lion in his day — and whose 
 spectacle, the "Sleeping Beauty," produced at a great expense on the stage, 
 had made him looked up to as deserving all the blandishments of fashion- 
 able life — reappeared some years after his complete downfall and seclusion in 
 the Bench, he fancied that by a very gay external appearance he would re- 
 cover his lost position ; but (says Gronow) he found his old friends very shy 
 of him. Alvanley being asked, on one occasion, who that smart-looking 
 individual was, answered, "It is a second edition of the ' Sleeping Beauty.' 
 bound in calf, richly gilt, and illustrated by many cuts. " 
 
 FOUR-AND-TWENTY. 
 Lord Chesterfield^ (Walpole tells us) was told that the Viscontina, a vocalist, 
 said she was but four-and- twenty. He answered, " I suppose she means four- 
 and- twenty stone." 
 
 STRUCK BY HER. 
 Being told of the quarrel in Spitalfields, and even that Mrs F. struck Miss 
 P*, Chesterfield said, " I always thought Mrs F. a striking beauty." ^ 
 
 A MATCH. 
 It was Lord Chesterfield (records Rogers) who said, on occasion of a certain 
 marriage, that "Nobody's son had married Everybody's daughter." 
 
 1 The statesman, and author of Letters to Ms Son, &c.; b. 1694, d. 1773. 
 
 2 This is described by Walpole as Chesterfield's " last " bon mot. 
 
40 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 A GOOD DESCRIPTION. 
 According to Rogers, Lord Chesterfield remarked of two persons dancing a 
 minuet, that "they looked as if they were hired to do it, and were doubtful 
 of being paid." 
 
 A DISTINGUISHED RELATIVE. 
 It is said that Chesterfield was once chosen, or volunteered, to conquer the 
 king's (George 11.) repugnance to an important appointment. On his pro- 
 ducing the commission and mentioning the name, the king angrily refused, 
 and said, "I would rather have the devil." "With all my heart," replied 
 the Earl; "I only beg leave to put your Majesty in mind that the commis- 
 sion is addressed to our right trusty and well beloved cousin." The king 
 laughed, and said, "My Lord, do as you please." 
 
 BREVITY AND WIT. 
 
 Sir Thomas Robinson (says M. Dutens), very tall and thin, one day 
 challenged Lord Chesterfield to make some verses on him. Lord Chesterfield 
 wrote immediately — 
 
 " Unlike my subject now shall be my song, 
 It shall be witty, and it shan't be long." 
 
 DEPENDS ON THE PART. 
 
 Walpole writes to a correspondent : — Have you heard [Selwyn's''] incom- 
 parable reply to Lord George Gordon, who asked him if he would choose him 
 again for Luggershall? He replied, "His constituents would not." "Oh, 
 yes, if you would recommend me, they would choose me if I came from the 
 coast of Africa." "That is according to what part of the coast you came 
 from : they would certainly if you came from the Gold Coast." Walpole 
 adds : Now, is not this true inspiration as well as true wit ? Had one asked 
 him in which of the four quarters of the world Guinea is situated, could he 
 have told ? 
 
 CHEAP DIGNITIES. 
 George Selwyn (says Walpole) said a good thing the other day on cheap 
 dignity. He was asked who was playing at tennis. He replied : "Nobody 
 but three markers and a Regent" — (meaning Lord Sandwich). 
 
 1 George Augustus Selwyn, wit and man of fashion, h. 1719 ; d. 1791. See the Life by 
 Jesse. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 41 
 
 A PLEASURE EITHER WAY. 
 George Selwyn, as everybody knows, delighted in seeing executions; he 
 never missed heing in at a death at Tyburn. When Lord Holland (the father 
 of Charles Fox) was confined to bed by a dangerous illness, he was informed 
 by his servant that Mr Selwyn had recently called to inquire for him. *' On 
 his next visit," said Lord Holland, "be sure you let him in, whether I am 
 alive or a corpse ; for, if I am alive, / shall have great pleasure in seeing him; 
 and if I am a corpse, he will have great pleasure in seeing me," The late 
 Lord Holland (says Rogers) told me this. 
 
 REPARATION. 
 
 During the period which followed the Rebellion in 1746, Selwyn (says 
 Raikes) had attended the execution of Lord Balmerino at the Tower, and 
 when reproached with cruelty in witnessing the death of one whom he had 
 personally known, he exculpated himself by pleading his foible, and adding, 
 that if he had erred in going to see Lord Balmerino's head cut off, he had 
 afterwards made every reparation in his power, by going the next day to see 
 the head sewn on again, previous to the interment. 
 
 HOW HE WOULD TAKE IT. 
 Mr Hayward records some of Selwyn's best-known witticisms. For ex- 
 ample : When a subscription was proposed for Fox, and some one was ob- 
 serving that it would require some delicacy, and was wondering how Fox 
 would take it — "Take it ?" said Selwyn ; "'why, quarterly^ to be sure !" 
 
 FAST, NOT FEAST. 
 Again : when one of the Foxey family crossed the Channel to avoid his 
 creditors, Selwyn said, " It is a^ass over which will not be much relished by 
 the Jews." 
 
 ABOUT GUMS. 
 When Fox w^s boasting of having prevailed on the French court to give 
 up the gum trade, Selwyn said, "As you have permitted the French to draw 
 your teeth^ they would be fools, indeed, to quarrel with you about your 
 gums." 
 
 UNDER THE SUN. 
 When Walpole, in allusion to the sameness of the system of politics con- 
 tinued in the reign of George III,, observed, "But there is nothing new 
 under the sun." " No," said Selwyn, "nor under the grandson.^^ 
 
42 TREA SURY OF MODERN A NEC DO TE. 
 
 A HAILING THE POST. 
 One night at White's, observing the Postmaster-General, Sir Everard 
 Fawkener, losing a large sum of money at piquet, Selwyn, pointing to the 
 successful player, remarked, ' ' See how he is robbing the mail ! " 
 
 EAISING THE BILLS. 
 On another occasion, in 1766, observing Mr Ponsonby, the Speaker of the 
 Irish House of Commons, tossing about bank-bills at a hazara-table at New- 
 castle, "Look," said Selwyn, "how easily the Speaker passes the mooiey- 
 hills." 
 
 A GOOD EXCHANGE. 
 The beautiful Lady Coventry was exhibiting to Selwyn a splendid new 
 dress, covered with large silver spangles the size of a shilling, and inquired of 
 him whether he admired her taste — ""Why," he said, "you will be cl 
 for a 
 
 PRELIMINARIES. 
 A namesake of Charles Fox having been hung at Tyburn, Fox inquired of 
 Selwyn whether he had attended the execution. "No, I make a point of 
 never frequenting rehearsals." 
 
 A PERMANENT RECOVERY. 
 A fellow-passenger with Selwyn in a coach, imagining from his appearance 
 that he was suffering from illness, kept wearying him with good-natured in- 
 quiries as to the state of his health. At length, to the repeated questions of 
 "How are you now, sir?" Selwyn replied — "Very well, I thank you, and I 
 mean to continue so for the rest of the journey." 
 
 A GARB OF WOE. 
 Selwyn was one day walking with Lord Pembroke, when they were be- 
 sieged by a number of young chimney-sweepers, who kept plaguing them for 
 money. At length Selwyn made them a low bow : "1 have often heard," he 
 said, "of the sovereignty of the people; I suppose your Highnesses are in 
 court mourning." 
 
 AT BATH. 
 
 A gentleman, on being twice cut by Selwyn in London, came up and re- 
 minded him that they had been acquainted in Bath. " I remember it very 
 well ; and, when we next meet at Bath, I shall be happy to be acquainted 
 with you again." 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 43 
 
 A SUITABLE APPOINTMENT. 
 
 On hearing that C (a new man) wanted to be made Earl of Ormond, 
 
 Selwyn said — " It would be very proper, as no doubt there have been many- 
 Butlers in the family." 
 
 TIT FOR TAT. 
 The French (says Mr Hayward) have not forgiven, nor are soon likely to. 
 forgive, our neutrality during their worst hour of trial. "To be sure," 
 observed a distinguished Frenchman to an accomplished and ready-witted 
 Englishwoman of rank, "it was foolish in us to hope better things from a 
 nation of shopkeepers." "These popular sayings," was the well-merited 
 retort, "are frequently destitute of any solid foundation; we were in the- 
 habit of calling you a nation of soldiers. " ^ 
 
 VERY DULL. 
 Apropos (says Fanny Kemble) of poor old Lady Cork's infirmity with 
 regard to the property of others (a well-known incapacity for discriminating 
 between meum, and tuum). It was Lady Cork who had originated the idea 
 that, after all, heaven would perhaps turn out very dull to her when she got 
 there; sitting on damp clouds and singi7ig ^' God save the King," being her 
 idea of the principal amusements there. With reference to Lady Cork's 
 theory, Lady Harriet (D'Orsay) said, " I suppose it would be rather tiresome 
 for her, poor thing ! for you know she hates music, and there would be nothing 
 to steal hut one another's wings. " 
 
 SETTLED ELSEWHERE. 
 Lord Campbell declared that the Earl of Buchan, elder brother of Thomas- 
 and Henry Erskine, respectively Lord Chancellor of England and Lord Advo- 
 cate of Scotland, might, by his talents, have made a considerable figure in the 
 world, had it not been for his morbid vanity. Observing to the Duchess of 
 Gordon, "We inherit all our cleverness from our mother;" she answered, 
 " I fear that, as is usually the case with the mother's fortune, it has all been^ 
 settled on the younger children." 
 
 A NIGGARDLY HEIRESS. 
 The first Lady Rolle, a wealthy heiress, exhibited (says Lord Teignmouth) 
 a rare union of munificence and parsimony, endowing almshouses to the- 
 amount of £10,000, and at the same time sparing in trifles. The anecdote- 
 
 ^ See " An Advantage " (p. 28). 
 
44 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 lias been oft repeated of her husband observing when, proud of her skill as a 
 whip, she boasted she could drive over a sixpence : "No, my dear, you would 
 stop to pick it up.'* 
 
 A NATURAL MISTAKE. 
 
 Lady Davy, Sir Humphry's wife, was a brunette of the brunettes. Sydney 
 Smith (says J. C. Young) used to say that she was as brown as dry toast ; and 
 that if she had been in the ark and had descended from it to bathe, the sea 
 would inevitably have been converted from salt water into toast and water. 
 She resided for a considerable time in Rome, and, though well-up in the 
 antiquities and classical localities, never could acquire a decent knowledge of 
 the Italian language. She was always eager to show attentio^^i to her country- 
 Avomen, and became their recognised cicerone. She was about to take a drive 
 
 •on the Campagna one day with Lady , in an open barouche, habited in a 
 
 rather flimsy mantle. Finding that the air was much colder than she had 
 expected to find it, she sent for her maid, and telling her to bring her her 
 biggest and warmest cloak, thus expressed herself: ^^ Portati mi il mio Cloaca 
 Maxima." 
 
 "NOT MUCH." 
 
 Mr Hayward says he heard Lady Davy, at Mrs Damer's in Tilney Street, 
 tell a story of her riding on a donkey near Naples, when the wind blew so 
 hard as to carry off garment after garment, till, she said, *' I had notliing left 
 but my seai" — which (adds Mr Hayward) was not much. 
 
 EVERYBODY'S. 
 My Lady Townshend (says Walpole^ in one of his Letters) told me last 
 night that she had seen a new fat player, who looked like everybody's hus- 
 band. I replied, "I could easily believe that, from seeing so many women 
 who looked like everybody's wives." 
 
 CANTING AND RECANTING. 
 Here (says Walpole) is another hon Tnot of my Lady Townshend. We were 
 talking of the Methodists. Somebody safd, "Pray, madam, is it true that 
 Whitfield has recanted?" "No, sir, he has only canted." 
 
 1 Horace, Earl of Oxford, ft. 1717, d. 1797; author of Tlie Castle of Otrunto, &c., &c. See 
 ■his Memoirs, Journals, and Letters. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 45 
 
 A PREFERENCE. 
 At the Polish ball (says Haydon ^) the Lord Mayor said to Lady Douglas, 
 who squints, "Which do you prefer, my lady, Gog or Magog?" "Of the- 
 three" said Lady Douglas, " I prefer your Lordship !" 
 
 NOT THE MAN, BUT THE ANIMAL. 
 Lord Andover, a very fat man, was greatly plagued at a fancy bazaar to 
 buy some triile or other from the ladies' stalls. At length (says Haydon) he 
 rather rudely said, "I am like the Prodigal Son, persecuted by ladies." "No, 
 no," retorted Mrs , *'say, rather, the fatted calf." 
 
 HER ACQUAINTANCE. 
 The Duchess of York (1833), in her morning walks at Oatlands, often visited 
 the farmyard, and amused herself (says Raikes) with noticing the different 
 animals and their families, among which was a sow that had lately farrowed 
 some beautiful pigs. A few days afterwards, at dinner, some person asked 
 her if she would eat some roasted pig. Her answer was : '' No, I thank you ;. 
 I never eat my acquaintance." 
 
 THE CIVIL THING. 
 Raikes writes in his Diary : — The Dowager-Duchess of Richmond is given 
 over. I remember a story of her long ago, which, at the time, was often 
 repeated. She went one Sunday with her daughter to the Chapel Royal at St 
 James's, but being late, they could find no places ; after looking about some 
 time, and seeing the case was hopeless, she said to her daughter, "Come 
 away, Louisa; at any rate, we have done the civil thing." 
 
 THE REASON WHY. 
 
 At dinner at Lady Sandwich's, they told (says Raikes) an anecdote of , 
 
 the Irish barrister, and Lord , to whom the former, complaining that his 
 
 whiskers had grown quite white, while his hair still remained brown, the other 
 replied, " It is no wonder ; your jaws have been constantly at work for the 
 last thirty years, while your head has remained idle."^ 
 
 1 The painter, whose Autobiography and Diary was edited by his son. See Life by Tom 
 Taylor. 
 
 2 An old joke. In Delitice Belitiarum (1637) there is an epigram, by Macentimxs, 
 
 with exactly the same point, thus freely translated in The Spirit of the Public Journals 
 
 (1806):— 
 
 Black locks hath Gabriel, beard that's white; 
 
 The reason, sir, is plain : 
 Gabriel works hard from mom to night. 
 
 More with his jaw than brain. 
 
46 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 HONOUR AND TRICKS. 
 
 Lord de Ross's methods of aiding his skill at whist were (says Hayward) 
 only available for one hand in four, — when he dealt. He then contrived to 
 turn an honour by what is called sautcr de coup, and having marked the 
 higher honours with his nail, he could see to whom they fell. During the 
 outburst of scandalous comment which followed his exposure, one of the 
 "bitter fools" of society, who had never been admitted to his intimacy, 
 drawled out at Crockford's : "I would leave my card at his house, but I fear 
 he would mark it." The retort was ready: "That would depend upon 
 whether he regarded it as a high honour." 
 
 SHE WANTED TO KNOW. 
 Lady Greenwich (says Walpole), in a conversation with Lady Tweeddale, 
 named the Saxons. "The Saxons, my dear !" cried the Marchioness, "who 
 were they ? " — " Lord, madam, did your ladyship never read the History of 
 England?" — "No, my dear; pray, who wrote it?" ^ 
 
 HISTORICAL. 
 The authoress of "The Wild Irish Girl," Lady Morgan, justly proud of her 
 gifted sister Olivia, was in the habit (says Lord Albemarle) of addressing every 
 new comer with, " I must make you acquainted with my Livy." She once 
 used this form of words to a gentleman who had just been worsted in an 
 encounter of wits with the lady in question. "Yes, ma'am," was the 
 reply; " I happen to know your Livy, and I would to heaven your Livy was 
 Tacitus" 
 
 THE SUN AND THE SON. 
 Mr Hayward tells the following story: — "Why did you cut me at the 
 morning party at StrawbeiTy Hill?" asked a younger son of a young lady on 
 her preferment. " The s%m was in my eyes, and I did not see you." " Yes, 
 the eldest son.'' 
 
 MISUNDERSTOOD. 
 " Qu'est ce que c'est que votre ' compound householder,' dontM. Gladstone 
 parle si souvent?" inquired (says Mr Hayward) a foreign lady of distinction. 
 " Madame, c'est le mari de la femme incomprise," was the reply. 
 
 1 This is a lit pendant to the maid-servant's exclamation in the play: "Shikspur! Who 
 wrote Shikspur ? " 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 47 
 
 A VALU-ABLE VALET. 
 When the news of Colonel Kelly's horrible death became known, ^ all the 
 dandies (says Gronow) were anxious to secure the services of his valet, who 
 possessed the mystery of the inimitable blacking. Brummell lost no time in 
 discovering his place of residence, and asked what wages he required; the 
 servant answered, his late master gave him £150 a-year, but it was not 
 enough for his talents, and he should require £200 ; upon which Brummell 
 said, " Well, if you will make it guineas, / shall be happy to attend upon 
 
 DULY HONOURED. 
 It happened (says the same authority) that Lord William L., a man of 
 fashion, but, like other of the great men of the day, an issuer of paper money 
 discounted at high rates by the usurers, was thrown off his horse. Mr and 
 Mrs King 2 immediately quitted the carriage, and placed the noble lord within. 
 On this circumstance being mentioned in the clubs, Brummell said it was 
 only *'a Bill Jewly (duly) taken up and honoured." 
 
 LED CAPTIVE. 
 
 When (says Haydon) the beautiful Mrs was, one evening, coming out 
 
 of the House of Lords, said, "She looks like a Babylonish beauty." 
 
 "Egad," said his friend, "it's a kind of Babylonish captivity I should be 
 very proud of." 
 
 CONSTRICTOR AND CONTRADICTOR. 
 A wit, when asked if he had visited the new boa constrictor in the Zoolo- 
 gical Gardens, replied, "No; but I have been spending all the morning 
 with the bore contradictor," meaning Hallam.^ The story is told by Lady 
 Chatterton. 
 
 A SUGGESTION. 
 Lord Surrey {drm 1785) rarely made use of water for purposes of bodily 
 refreshment and comfort. Nor (says Wraxall**) did he change his linen more 
 frequently than he washed himself. Complaining one day to Dudley North 
 that he was a martyr to the rheumatism, and had ineffectually tried every 
 remedy for its relief— "Pray, my lord," said he, "did you ever try a clean 
 shirt?" 
 
 1 He was 'burnt to death in trying to rescue his favourite boots from a fire. 
 
 2 King was a Jew money-lender. 3 The historian. 
 4 Sir Nathaniel Wraxall, in his Memoirs. 
 
48 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 ON TICK. 
 
 Fox, whose pecuniary embarrassments were imiversally recognised, being 
 attacked by a severe indisposition, which confined him to his apartment, 
 Dudley frequently visited him. In the course of conversation (says WraxaU), 
 Fox, alluding to his complaints, remarked that he was compelled to observe 
 much regularity in his diet and hours; adding, "I live by rule, like clock- 
 work." "Yes," replied Dudley, "I suppose you mean that you go tick, 
 tick, tick." 
 
 ''I SWEAR!" 
 Walpole, in one of his letters to Sir Horace Mann, says : — Your friend St 
 Leger had a cause the other day for ducking a sharper, and was going to 
 swear: the Judge said to him, "I see, sir, you are very ready to take an 
 oath." "Yes, my lord," replied St Leger, *' my father was a judge." 
 
 "HOLLOW, HOLLOW, HOLLOW." 
 
 [At a ball at M. de Guines'], Harry Conway the younger was so surprised 
 at the agility of Mrs Hobart's bulk, that (according to Walpole) ha said he 
 was sure she must be hoUow. 
 
 A CONTRADICTORY RELIGION. 
 I must tell you (says Walpole to Sir Horace Mann) a hon mot of Winning- 
 ton. I was at dinner with him and Lord Lincoln and Lord Stafford last week, 
 and it happened to be a maigre day of which Stafford was talking, though, 
 you may believe, without any scruples. "Why!" said Winnington, "what 
 a religion is yours ! They let you eat nothing, and yet make you swallow 
 everything!" 
 
 PROFESSIONAL. 
 Barham tells the story of Lord Middleton, out hunting, calling to Gunter, 
 the confectioner, to "hold hard," and not ride over the hounds, " My horse 
 is so hot, my lord, that I don't know what to do with him." "Ice him, 
 Gunter; ice him." 
 
 A CLEVER CHIEL. 
 
 Hook (says Jerdan) had placed some crape round the print of Peel, for some 
 
 vote he disapproved of At dinner, some one appealed to him to take it off; 
 
 he consented, and, amidst a dead silence, a voice which had been scarcely 
 
 heard during dinner exclaimed, "Nothing like a Tory for getting a brother 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 49 
 
 Tory out (AMs crape (his scrape)." ** Who's the chiel?" asked Allan Cun- 
 ningham. " Lord W. Lennox," I responded. " Happy idea," said Croker; 
 " a glass of wine, Lord William." 
 
 WAITING ON HIS MAJESTY. 
 One one occasion (says Lord William Lennox) George the Fourth received 
 a reply to an invitation to dinner, in which the writer expressed his sense of 
 the "honour he would have in waiting upon his Majesty at dinner," 
 " Waiting upon me at dinner," said the modern Sardanapalus ; ** then I hope 
 he will bring his napkin, " 
 
 HERO AND ZERO. 
 
 It is told of Queen Caroline (says Jerdan^) that when her bitterness against 
 her husband was at its height, she exclaimed, " Je suis la tille d'un Hero, 
 la femme d'un Zero. " 
 
 A ROYAL JOKE. 
 A witticism of William IV, is thus recorded by Lord William Lennox. 
 At a dinner given by the Sailor-King to the Jockey Club in 1836, the Marquis 
 of Westminster, grandfather of the present Duke, bored the Royal host and 
 fellow-guests by reiterating his panegyrics upon the speed and stoutness of 
 his celebrated horse Touchstone. '* I will name an animal to beat him," said 
 the good-natured King, "and he will do it by a neck," According to the 
 then prevailing custom at Jockey Club dinners, ink, pen, and paper were 
 brought with a view to the conclusion of a match, and his Majesty wrote 
 down his champion, which proved to be the girafie. 
 
 A SCRIPTURAL REMINISCENCE. 
 When witnessing a debate in the House of Lords, the Duke of Sussex, who 
 sat quite near to Moore, the poet, said in his high squeaking voice, " Did you 
 
 hear that speak last night ? I think we might have brought him 
 
 up with another prophet: *And he said, saddle me the ass, and they saddled 
 
 VERY LIKE IT, 
 
 The Duke of Cumberland was so delighted with a speech of Archbishop 
 Howley's, that when entertaining a small party, of whom one (says Lord 
 Teignmouth) was my informer, at his own table with the repetition of it, he 
 
 1 In his Autobiography. Jerdan was long editor of the Literary Gazette, 
 D 
 
50 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE, 
 
 emphasized his sentences by the interlarding of such expressions as at length 
 to elicit from the Duchess the observation, *' Why, my dear, the Archbishop 
 did not swear ;" when he replied, evidently unwilling to concede his position, 
 ""Well, if he did not say that, he said something very much like it." 
 
 TOO MUCH FOR HIM. 
 
 Sir A. C once telling long rhodomontade stories about America at 
 
 Lord Barrymore's table, B. (winking at the rest of the company), asked him, 
 " Did you ever meet any of the Chick-chows, Sir Arthur ?" "Oh, several; a 
 very civil race." "The Cherry-chows?" "Oh, very much among them: 
 they were particularly kind to our men." "And pray, did you know any- 
 thing of the Totteroddy bow-bows?" This (says Moore) was too much for 
 poor Sir A. , who then, for the first time, perceived that Barrymore had been 
 quizzing him. 
 
 A SPIT-FUL JUDGE. 
 Like many other counsel, not of the highest class, George Fergusson, after- 
 wards Lord Hermand, owed his professional practice chiefly to the fervour of 
 his zeal. His eagerness (says Lord Cockburn) made him froth and sputter 
 so much in his argumentation, that there is a story to the effef't that when 
 he was once pleading in the House of Lords, the Duke of Gloucester, who 
 was about fifty feet from the bar, rose and said, with pretended gravity, ' ' I 
 shall be much obliged to the learned gentleman if he will be so good as to 
 refrain from spitting in my iace." 
 
 PRONUNCIATION 
 
 An amusing occurrence during the trial of Planche -u. Braham is worth 
 mentioning, as a similar retort has been put into the mouth of Claude 
 Melnotte in the "Lady of Lyons." Mr Adolplms, who was the leading 
 counsel for the defendant, in his cross-examination of Mr Berkeley, quoted 
 a passage from Shakespeare, and sneeringly asked him if he recognised these 
 words? "Certainly not, as you pronounce them," answered Mr Berkeley, 
 contemptuously, raising a general laugh at the expense of the learned gentle- 
 man. The Mr Berkeley in question was the Hon. H. Fitzhardinge Berkeley, 
 and the story is told by Mr Planche. 
 
 WHAT HE COULD DO. 
 1 
 
 The greatest treat I saw (says A. Gibson Hunter^) was Sir John Lade, the 
 famous whip, in his barouche and four. Tommy Onslow, now Lord Cranley, 
 
 \ 1 In Archibald Constable's Correspondence. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 51 
 
 is on the whole reckoned the best whip of the two. The following lines on 
 his lordship are good : — 
 
 "What can Tommy Onslow do? 
 
 Wliy ? he can drive a phaeton and two ; 
 
 Can Tommy Onslow do no more ? 
 
 Yes, he can drive a phaeton and four." 
 
 STILLS 
 Moore says that Lord Maynard was the person who said of the House of 
 Commons, '' Is that going on still?" 
 
 UNDER. 
 
 The following is Serope Davies' epitaph on Lord L , as preserved by 
 
 Moore : — 
 
 " Here lies L's body, from his soul asunder; 
 He once was on the turf, and now is %n6i^" 
 
 A FOOLISH STUDY. 
 
 Writing in 1780, Horace Walpole says: — After Sir Paul Methuen had 
 quitted court, the late Queen, who thought she had that foolish talent of 
 playing oif people, frequently saw him when she dined abroad. Once that 
 she dined with my mother at Chelsea, Sir Paul was there. The Queen's 
 constant topic for teazing Sir Paul was his passion for romances, and he was 
 weary of it. " Well, Sir Paul, what romance are you reading now ? " " None, 
 madam! I nave gone through them all." "Well! what are you reading 
 then?" ''I have got into a very foolish study, madam: the History of the 
 Kings and Queens of England." 
 
 FRENCH OF STRATFORD. 
 On one occasion (says Gronow) Lord Westmoreland, who was Lord Privy 
 Seal, being asked what office he held, replied, "Xe Chancelier est le grand 
 sceau (sot) ; moi je suis le petit sceau d'Angleterre." On another occasion, he 
 wished to say, "I would if I could, but I can't," and he rendered it, "Je 
 voudrais se je coudrais, mais je ne cannais p<zs. " 
 
 HEAVEN FORBID ! 
 
 Whoever the following story may be fathered on (says Sir Jonah Barring- 
 ton), Sir John Hamilton was certainly its parent. The Duke of Rutland, at 
 one of his levees, being at a loss (as probably most kings, princes, and vice- 
 roys occasionally are) for something to say to every person he was bound in 
 
52 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 etiquette to notice, remarked to Sir John Hamilton that there was "a prospect 
 of an excellent crop. The timely rain," observed the Duke, "will bring every- 
 thing above ground. " " God forbid, your Excellency ! " exclaimed the courtier. 
 His Excellency stared, whilst Sir John continued, sighing heavily as he 
 spoke: — "Yes, God forbid ! for I have three wives under it." 
 
 WOODEN WALLS. 
 At one of those large convivial parties which distinguished the table of 
 Major Hobart, when he was secretary in Ireland, amongst the usual loyal 
 toasts (says Barrington) "The wooden walls of England" being given, Sir 
 John Hamilton, in his turn, gave "The wooden walls of Ireland!" This 
 toast being quite new to us all, he was asked for an explanation ; upon which, 
 filling a bumper, he very gravely stood up, and, bowing to the Marquess of 
 Waterford and several county gentlemen, who commanded county regiments, 
 he said — " My lords and gentlemen ! I have the pleasure of giving you ' The 
 wooden walls of Ireland' — the colonels of militia I'* 
 
 UNDER HIS HAND. 
 The same authority says : — Sir Richard Musgrave, although he understood 
 drawing the long how as well as most people, never patronised it in any other 
 individual. Sir John Hamilton did not spare the exercise of this accom- 
 plishment in telling a story, one day, in the presence of Sir Richard, wha 
 declared his incredulity rather abruptly, as indeed was his constant manner. 
 Sir John was much nettled at the mode in which the other dissented, more 
 particularly as there were some strangers present. He asseverated the truth 
 on his word: Sir Richard, however, repeating his disbelief, Sir John 
 Hamilton furiously exclaimed — " You say you don't believe my word !" "I 
 canH believe it," replied Sir Richard. "Well, then," said Sir John, "if you 
 won't believe my word, by G — d I'll give it you under my hand," clenching at 
 the same moment his great fist. The witticism raised a general laugh, in 
 which the parties themselves joined, and in a moment all was good-humour. 
 
 A PLEASANT EXCHANGE. 
 
 Lady Charlotte Lindsay (according to Lord Houghton ^) used to say that 
 she had sprained her ankle so often, and had been so often told that it was 
 worse than breaking her leg, that she had come to look on a broken leg as a 
 positive advantage. 
 
 ^ In Monographs, Persoiml and Social. " Lady Charlotte," says Lord Houghton, " was of 
 the noWe family of which Lord North is the political representative, and whom nature 
 favoured rather in their talents than in their external appearance." 
 
ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 53 
 
 GONE OFF. 
 In Lady Lindsay's later days (according to the same authority), when once 
 complimented on looking very well, she replied, " I dare say it's true ; the 
 bloom of ugliness is past." 
 
 A NEW ORDER. 
 On the elevation of some childless personage to the peerage, Lady Charlotte 
 remarked that he was of the new order, which seemed the popular one — not 
 the Barons, but the Barrens. 
 
 A NEW ADJECTIVE. 
 One day coming late to dinner in the country, Lady Charlotte excused her- 
 self on account of the *' macadamnable " state of the roads. 
 
 THAT WAS ALL. 
 
 Harriet Lady Ashburton ^ said of a certain individual that he had only two 
 ideas, and they were his legs; and they were spindle-shanked. ^ 
 
 NOT EVEN THAT. 
 Of another person Lady Ashburton said, that he had nothing truly human 
 about him ; he couldn't even yawn like a man. 
 
 A DISAGREEABLE SIMILE. 
 
 Of another individual Lady Ashburton said, that talking to him was like 
 playing long whist. 
 
 FOR LACK OF FOOD. 
 When some one said of a gentleman, "Don't speak so hard of him, he 
 lives on your good graces," Lady Ashburton remarked, "That accounts for 
 him being so thin." 
 
 1 Died 1857. 2 Lord Houghton's MonograpJis. 
 
54 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 About Lawyers and the Law. 
 
 ONLY ONE. 
 
 PHILLIPS'S "Life of Curran" is full of anecdotes of that witty lawyer. 
 We select the following : — When Curran was at college, the Rev. Dr 
 Hailes, one of the fellows, during a public examination, continually pronounced 
 the word nimirum with a wrong quantity ; it was naturally enough the sub 
 ject of conversation, and his reverence was rather unceremoniously handled by 
 some of the academic critics. Curran affected to become his advocate. " The 
 Doctor is not to blame," said he ; "there was only one man in all Rome who 
 understood the word, and Horace^ tells us so — 
 
 * Septimius, Claudi, nimiruin intelligit unus. ' " 
 
 THE BITER BIT. 
 At another time, when an insect of very high birth, but of very democratic 
 habits, was caught upon Curran's coat, about the appearance of which he was 
 never very solicitous, his friend Egan, observing it, maliciously exclaimed 
 from Virgil— " Eh ! Curran : 
 
 ' Cujum pecus? an Melibcei ?' "^ 
 
 at the same time turning with a triumphant jocoseness to the spectators. 
 
 But Curran, in the coolest manner taking up the line, immediately retorted— 
 
 " 'Non, verum jEgonis, — nuper mihi tradidit ^gon.^" 
 
 HE MAY! 
 
 Phillips says : — I remember Curran once — in an action for breach of promise 
 of marriage, in which he was counsel for the defendant, a young clergyman — 
 thus appealing to the jury: — " Gentlemen, I entreat of you not to ruin this 
 young man by a vindictive verdict ; for, though he has talents, and is in the 
 church, he may rise ! " 
 
 AS IT GOES. 
 Curran's ton mot upon a brother barrister of the name of Going certainly 
 ieserves a place. This gentleman fully verified the old adage that a story 
 
 ^ Epist. I., ix. 1. - Bucol. III. 1. 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 55 
 
 never loses in the telling ; he took care continually to add to every anecdote 
 all the graces which could be derived from his own embellishment. An in- 
 stance of this was one day remarked to Curran, who scarcely knew one of his 
 own stories, it had so grown by the carriage. *'I see," said he, "the pro- 
 verb is quite applicable — ' Vires acquiret eundo' — it gathers by Going." 
 
 A SUITABLE MOTTO. 
 
 Lundy Foot, the celebrated tobacconist, applied to Curran for a motto 
 Avhen he first established his carriage : " Give me one, my dear Curran," said 
 he, " of a serious cast, because I am afraid the people will laugh at a tobacco- 
 nist setting up a carriage ; and, for the scholarship's sake, let it be in Latin. " 
 "I have just hit on it," said Curran; "it is only two words, and it will at 
 once explain your profession, your elevation, and your contempt for their 
 ridicule, and it has the advantage of being in two languages, Latin or 
 English, just as the reader chooses. Put up * Quid rides ' upon your 
 carriage. " 
 
 A BAD ENDORSEMENT. 
 
 [Curran] having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster 
 on some classical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it, said, in a 
 towering passion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to his 
 scholars. "Do, my dear doctor," said Curran; "but dori't endorse my sins 
 upon their backs." 
 
 NO CHANGE. 
 
 Curran was told that a very stingy and slovenly barrister had started for 
 the Continent with a shirt and a guinea. " He'll not change either till he 
 comes back," said he. 
 
 FOR SELF AND FELLOWS. 
 
 A very stupid foreman once asked a judge how they were to ignore a bill. 
 "Why, sir," said Curran, "when you mean to find a true one, just write 
 Ignoramus for self and fellows on the back of it." 
 
 SLACK. 
 
 Curran, examining a country squire, who disputed a collier's bill — "Did he 
 not give you the coals, friend?" "He did, sir; but — " "But what ?— on 
 your oath wasn't your payment sla^k ?" 
 
56 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 A LEGAL JOKE. 
 Curran was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who could 
 not comprehend any jest that was not written in black Utter. Before he said 
 a single word, the witness began to laugh. * ' What are you laughing at, my 
 friend — what are you laughing at ? Let me tell you that a laugh without a 
 joke is like — is like — " " Like what, Mr Curran ? " asked the judge, 
 imagining he was nonplussed. "Just exactly, my lord, like a contingent 
 remainder without any particular estate to support it." 
 
 NOTHING IN IT. 
 [Phillips records] Curran's retort upon an Irish judge, [who was] quite as 
 remarkable for his good humour and raillery as for his legal researches. [The 
 advocate] was addressing a jury on one of the state trials in 1803 with his 
 usual animation. The judge, whose political bias, if any judge can have one, 
 was certainly supposed not to be favourable to the prisoner, shook his head in 
 doubt or denial of one of the advocate's arguments. "I see, gentlemen," 
 said Mr Curran, " I see the motion of his lordship's head ; common observers 
 might imagine that implied a difference of opinion, but they would be mis- 
 taken ; it is merely accidental. Believe me, gentlemen, if you remain here 
 many days, you will yourselves perceive, that when his lordship shakes his 
 head, there's nothing in it T 
 
 HIS ELDEST. 
 Sir Boyle Roche ^ was very proud of his alliance with the family of Sir John 
 Cane, and boasted that Sir John had given him his eldest daughter. " If he 
 had had an older one, he'd have given her to you, Sir Boyle," said Curran. 
 
 THE WILL FOR THE DEED. 
 Sir Boyle Roche seems to have had a rival in one of the judges of the 
 King's Bench, who, in an argument on the construction of a will, sagely 
 declared, " It appeared to him that the testator meant to keep a life-interest 
 in the estate to himself." "Very true, my lord," said Curran gravely; 
 " testators generally do secure a life-interest for themselves, but in this case, I 
 rather think your lordship takes the vnllfor the deed." 
 
 HIS SOFTEST PART. 
 A Limerick banker, remarkable for his sagacity, had an iron leg. "His 
 leg," said Curran, "is the softest part about him." 
 
 1 The famous Irish worthy, of whom some stories are recounted on another page. 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 57 
 
 A SENSITIVE DUELLIST. 
 In the very outset of his professional career, Curran was employed at Cork to 
 iprosecute an officer of the name of St Ledger for an assault upon a Roman 
 Catholic clergyman. St Ledger, justly or unjustly, was suspected by Curran 
 to be a mere political creature of Lord Doneraile, and to have acted in com- 
 plete subserviency to the religious prejudices of his patron. On this theme 
 he expatiated with such personal bitterness and such effect, that St Ledger 
 sent him a message the next day. They met, and Curran not returning his 
 fire, the affair was concluded. "It was not necessary," said Curran, ''for me 
 to tire at him ; he died in three weeks after the duel, of the report of Ms ovm 
 pistol." 
 
 A JEST ON A CHEST. 
 
 John Egan, chairman of Kilmainham, was an immense-sized man, as 
 brawny, and almost as black, as a coal porter. "Did you ever see," said 
 he, striking his bosom triumphantly, "did you ever see such a chest as that?" 
 "A trunk, you mean, my dear Egan," answered Curran, good-humouredly, 
 who was a mere pigmy in comparison. 
 
 LOSING TALLOW. 
 
 In an election for the borough of Tallogh, Egan was an unsuccessful candi- 
 date ; he, however, appealed from the decision, and the appeal came, of 
 •course, before the Committee of the House of Commons. It was in the heat 
 of a very warm summer ; Egan was struggling through the crowd, his hand- 
 kerchief in one hand, his wig in the other, and his whole countenance raging 
 like the dog-star, when he met Curran. " I'm sorry for you, my dear fellow," 
 said Curran. " Sorry ! why so, Jack ? why so ? I'm perfectly at my ease. " 
 '•'Alas, Egan! 'tis but too visible to every one that you're losing tallow 
 (Tallogh) fast." 
 
 A FAIR OFFER. 
 During the temporary separation of Lord Avonmore and Curran, Egan 
 espoused the judge's imaginary quarrel so bitterly that a duel was the con- 
 sequence. The [parties] met, and on the ground Egan complained that the 
 disparity in their sizes gave his antagonist a manifest advantage. " I might 
 as well fire at a razor's edge as at him," said Egan, "and he may hit me as 
 easily as a turf-stack." "I'll tell you what, Mr Egan," replied Curran ; " I 
 wish to take no advantage of you — let my size be chalked out upon your side, 
 and I am quite content that every shot which hits outside that mark should 
 go for nothing. " 
 
58 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 HATING THE SIGHT OF IT. 
 Those who voted for the Union [between England and Ireland] Curran held! 
 almost in abhorrence. He was one day setting his watch at the Post Office, 
 which was then opposite the late Parliament House, when a noble member of 
 the House of Lords said to him, ** Curran, what do they mean to do with that 
 useless building? For my part, I am sure 'I hate even the sight of it." "I 
 do not wonder at it, my lord," replied Curran contemptuously ; " I never yet 
 heard of a murderer who was not afraid of a ghost." 
 
 LOOKING FOR BULLS. 
 Curran happened one day to have for his companion in a stage-coach a very 
 vulgar and revolting old woman, who seemed to have been encrusted with a 
 prejudice against Ireland and all its inhabitants. Curran sat chafing in silence 
 in his corner. At last, suddenly, a number of cows, with their tails and heads 
 up in the air, kept rushing up and down the road in alarming proximity to 
 the coach windows. The old woman manifestly was but ill at ease. At last, 
 unable to restrain her terror, she faltered out, " Oh, dear; oh, dear, sir! what 
 can the cows mean?" " Faith, my good woman," replied Curran, "as there's 
 an Irishman in the coach, I shouldn't wonder if they were on the outlook for 
 ahulll" 
 
 TRYING TO CATCH IT. 
 One morning (says Phillips of himself and Curran), we met an Irish gentle- 
 man, who certainly most patriotically preserved his native pronunciation. He 
 had acquired a singular habit of lolling out his tongue. " What can he pos- 
 sibly mean by it ? " said I to Curran. " I think it's clear enough," said he,, 
 "the man's trying to catch the English accent!" 
 
 NOT THAT. 
 Curran's notice was once attracted by a lady whose chin certainly called 
 loudly for a razor. " In the name of wonder," he exclaimed, " who can she 
 be?" [Phillips] told him it was reported that she was a Roman lady, of an 
 ancient Italian family. " Well," said he, " it may be ; but she manifestly is 
 not one of the Barberinis." 
 
 HIS OWN FAMILIAR. 
 Passing a person whom he much disliked, Curran said, " Observe that 
 solemn blockhead — that pompous lump of dulness. Now, if you breakfasted 
 and dined with that fellow for a hundred years, you could not be intimate 
 with him ; he would not even be seen to smile, lest anybody might suppose 
 he was too familiar with liimself !" 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 59 
 
 REMARKABLE. 
 
 The late Sir Thomas Furton, who was a respectable speaker, but certainly 
 nothing more, affected once to discuss the subject of eloquence with Curran, 
 assuming an equality by no means palatable to the latter. Happening to men- 
 tion, as a peculiarity of his, that he could not speak above a quarter of an hour 
 without requiring something to moisten his lips. Sir Thomas, pursuing his 
 comparisons, declared he had the advantage in that respect. " I spoke," said 
 he, " the other night in the Commons for five hours, on the Nabob of Oude, 
 and never felt in the least thirsty." " It is very remarkable, indeed," replied 
 Curran, "for every one agrees that was the driest speech of the session." 
 
 AN INDIVIDUAL! 
 
 Curran used to relate a ludicrous encounter between himself and a fishwoman 
 on the quay at Cork. This lady, whose tongue would have put Billingsgate 
 to the blush, was incited one day to assail him, which she did with very little 
 reluctance. " I thought myself a match for her," said he, *' and valorously 
 took up the gauntlet. But such a virago never skinned an eel. My whole 
 vocabulary made not the least impression. On the contrary, she was mani- 
 festly becoming more vigorous every moment, and I had nothing for it but to 
 beat a retreat. This, however, was to be done with dignity; so, drawing 
 myself vc^ disdainfully, I said, ' Madam, I scorn all further discourse with 
 such an i'lidividuaV She did not understand the word, and thought it, no- 
 doubt, the very hyperbole of opprobrium. * Individual, you wagabone ! ' she 
 screamed ; ' what do you mean by that? — I'm no more an individual than your 
 mother was ! ' Never was victory more complete. The whole sisterhood did 
 homage to me, and I left the quay of Cork covered with glory." 
 
 HOAXING A JUDGE. 
 
 As a judge, Lord Avonmore had one great fault : he was apt to take up a 
 first impression of a cause, and it was very difficult afterwards to obliterate it. 
 The advocate, therefore, had not only to struggle against the real obstacles 
 presented to him by the case itself, but also with the imaginary ones, created 
 by the hasty anticipation of the judge. Curran was one day most seriously 
 annoyed by this habit of Lord Avonmore, and he took the following whimsical 
 method of correcting it. The reader must remember that the object of the nar- 
 rator was, by a tedious and malicious procrastination, to irritate his hearer into- 
 the vice which he was so anxious to eradicate. They were to dine together at 
 
6o TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 the house of a common friend, and a large party was assembled, many of whom 
 witnessed the occurrences of the morning. Curran, contrary to all his usual 
 habits, was late for dinner, and at length arrived in the most admirably 
 affected agitation. "Why, Mr Curran, you have kept us a full hour waiting 
 dinner for you," grumbled out Lord Avonmore. "Oh, my dear lord, I 
 regret it much ; you must know it is not my custom, but — I've just been 
 witness to a most melancholy occurrence." "My God! you seem terribly 
 moved by it — take a glass of wine. What was it? — what was it?" "I will 
 tell you, my lord, the moment I can collect myself. I had been detained at 
 Court — in the Court of Chancery — your lordship knows the Chancellor sits 
 late." " I do, I do — but go on." "Well, my lord, I was hurrying here as 
 fast as ever I could — I did not even change my dress — I hope I shall be ex- 
 cused for coming in my boots?" "Poh, poh — never mind your boots: the 
 point — come at once to the point of the story." "Oh — I will, my good 
 lord, in a moment. I walked here — I would not even wait to get the carriage 
 ready — it would have taken time, you know. Now there is a market exactly 
 in the road by which I had to pass — your lordship may perhaps recollect the 
 market — do you ?" " To be sure I do — go on, Curran — go on with the story." 
 " I am very glad your lordship remembers the market, for I totally forget 
 the name of it — the name — the name — " "What the devil signifies 
 the name of it, sir? — it's the Castle Market." *'Your lordship is perfectly 
 right — it is called the Castle Market. Well, I was passing through that very 
 identical Castle Market, when I observed a butcher preparing to kill a calf. 
 He had a huge knife in his hand — it was as sharp as a razor. The calf was 
 standing beside him — he drew the knife to plunge it into the animal. Just as 
 he was in the act of doing so, a little boy about four years old — his only son 
 — the loveliest little baby I ever saw, ran suddenly across his path, and he 
 killed— oh, my God! he killed—" "The child! the child! the child!" 
 vociferated Lord Avonmore. "No, my lord — the calf," continued Curran, 
 very coolly ; *'he killed the calf, but — your lordship is in the habit of aniici- 
 jpating. " 
 
 NOT YET. 
 
 Curran often raised a laugh at Lord Norbury's expense. The laws, at 
 that period, made capital punishment so general that nearly all crimes were 
 punishable with death by the rope. It was remarked Lord Norbury never 
 hesitated to condemn the convicted prisoner to the gallows. Dining in com- 
 pany with Curran, who was carving some corned beef, Lord Norbury inquired, 
 " Is that hung beef, Mr Curran ?" "Not yet, my lord," was the reply; "you 
 have not tried it." 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 6i 
 
 DAY AND KNIGHT. 
 
 One of the causes of great interest in which Ciirran acted as counsel was 
 the prosecution of Sir Henry Hayes for carrying off Miss Pike, a quaker 
 young lady ; she was rescued, and for two years the perpetrator of this out- 
 rage was not amenahle. "When arrested and hills of indictment found, Curran 
 appeared for the prosecution, and made a masterly speech. The case enlisted 
 the feelings of the people against the prisoner, and a woman, rushing up to 
 Curran on his way to Couit, exclaimed, " More power to you, counsellor, that 
 you may gain the day." "If I gain the day," replied Curran, -'you will lose 
 the K(night)." 
 
 HALTING. 
 
 Macnally^ walked with a limp, one leg being shorter than the other. 
 When the barristers were enrolling their names in the Volunteer corps, Mac- 
 nally asked Curran if he should give in his name to join. '* If you enlist," 
 said Curran, " you will shortly be tried, and perhaps shot for disobedience of 
 orders." "Why?" asked Macnally, rather indignantly. "Because, when 
 ordered to march, you will certainly halt," was the reply. 
 
 A HIGH AUTHORITY. 
 In Curran's "Life" by his son occur several anecdotes of his wit not to be 
 found elsewhere. For example : — Mr Curran was engaged in a legal argument 
 — ^behind him stood his colleague, a gentleman whose person was remarkably 
 tall and slender, and who had originally designed to take orders. The judge 
 observing that the case under discussion involved a question of ecclesiastical 
 law, "Then," said Mr Curran, ** I can refer your lordship to a high authority 
 behind me, who was once intended for the churchy though " (in a whisper to 
 a friend beside him) "in my opinion he was fitter for the steeple." 
 
 NAILING HIM. 
 
 Again: — An officer of one of the courts, named Halfpenny, having fre- 
 quently interrupted Mr Curran, the judge peremptorily ordered him to be 
 silent, and sit down. " I thank your lordship," said the counsel, "for having 
 at length nailed that rap to the counter. " 
 
 AN AYANT-COURIER. 
 
 A deceased judge had a defect in one of his limbs, from which, when he 
 
 walked, one foot described almost a circle round the other. Mr Curran being 
 
 asked how his lordship still contrived to walk so fast, answered, " Don't you 
 
 see that one leg goes before like a tipstaflf, and clears the way for the other ?" 
 
 1 The Irish barrister. 
 
62 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 COMMON PROPERTY. 
 
 A miniature painter, upon his cross-examination by Mr Curran, was made 
 to confess that he had carried his improper freedoms with a particular lady so 
 far as to attempt to put his arm round her waist. "Then, sir," said the 
 counsel, " I suppose you took that waist fgr comraonV 
 
 HOW MANY? 
 
 "No man," said a wealthy but weak-headed barrister, *• should be admitted 
 to the bar who has not an independent landed property." " May I ask you, 
 sir," said Mr Ciwran, " how many acres make a wise-acref" 
 
 THE HALL-MARK. 
 " "W\Mild you not have known this boy to be my son, from his resemblance 
 tome?" asked a gentleman. Mr Curran answered, "Yes, sir; the maker's 
 name is stamped on the blade.'' 
 
 ALWAYS PLAINTIVE. 
 
 Chief-Justice Carleton (says Sir Jonah Barrington) was a very lugubrious 
 personage. He never ceased complaining of his bad state of health (or rather 
 of his hypochondriasm), and frequently introduced Lady Carleton into his 
 * ' Book of Lamentations :" thence it was remarked by Curran to be very extra- 
 ordinary that the Chief-Justice should appear as plaintiff {plaintive) in every 
 cause that happened to come before him ! 
 
 NOTHING TO TRY. 
 
 One Nisi Prius day. Lord Carleton came into Court, looking unusually 
 gloomy. He apologised to the bar for being necessitated to adjourn the Court 
 and dismiss the jury for that day, "though," proceeded his lordship, " I am 
 aware that an important issue stands for trial ; but the fact is, I have met with 
 a domestic misfortune, which has altogether deranged my nerves ! — Poor Lady 
 Carleton" (in a low tone to the bar) "has most unfortunately mziscarriedj, 
 and — " "Oh, then, my lord!" exclaimed Curran, " there was no necessity 
 for your lordship to make any apology, since it now appears that your lord- 
 ship has no issue to try." The Chief- Justice feintly smiled, and thanked the 
 bar for their consideration. 
 
 DYING BY JURY. 
 
 Curran (says Crabb Robinson) told an anecdote of an Irish Parliament-man, 
 who was boasting in the House of Commons of his attachment to the trial by 
 
ABOUT LAWYERS AND THE LAW. 63 
 
 jury. "Mr Speaker, with the trial by jury I have lived, and, by the blessing 
 of God, with the trial by jury I will die ! " Curran sat near him, and whis- 
 X)ered audibly, " What, Jack! do you mean to be hanged?" 
 
 IN CONSULTATION. 
 
 Lord Clare (says Mr Hayward) had a favourite dog which was permitted to 
 follow him to the bench. One day, during an argument of Curran's, the 
 Chancellor turned aside, and began to fondle the dog, with the obvious view 
 •of intimating inattention or disregard. The counsel stopped ; the judge 
 looked up : "I beg pardon," continued Curran, "I thought your lordships 
 ]iad been in consultation." 
 
 A GOOD COMMENCEMENT. 
 
 When Lord Erskine^ heard that somebody had died worth two hundred 
 thousand pounds, he observed, "Well, that's a very pretty sum to begin the 
 next world with." Rogers tells this story, as well as the two following. 
 
 A SOPORIFIC. 
 "A friend of mine," said Erskine, "was suffering from a continual wake- 
 fulness, and various methods were tried to send him to sleep, but in vain. At 
 last his physicians resorted to an experiment which succeeded perfectly : they 
 dressed him in a watchman's coat, put a lantern into his hand, placed him in 
 a sentry -box, and — he was asleep in ten minutes. " 
 
 TERRI-BLY RUDE. 
 
 In talking of Erskine's jeux d'esprit, Lord Lansdowne mentioned to Moore 
 four lines he once wrote upon an inn window, on a great attorney, named 
 Terry ; thereby losing, as he said, a great niimber of briefs. Among the in- 
 scriptions on the window was one, written by the attorney himself, announcing 
 that on such a day Mr Terry had arrived here from Tenterden, and it was 
 under this that Erskine wrote — 
 
 "What can it matter how or when 
 Terry arrives from Tenterden ; 
 For when he's crest the Stygian ferry 
 Who'll ever ask— What's come of Terry?" 
 
 1 Thomas Erskine, Lord Chancellor ; h. 1750, d. 1823. 
 
64 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 THE DIFFERENCE. 
 Lord Campbell^ has several stories about Lord Erskine : — On the trial of an 
 action to recover the value of a quantity of whalebone, the defence turning on 
 the quality of the article, a witness was called, of impenetrable stupidity, 
 who could not distinguish between the two well-known descriptions of this 
 commodity — the "long" and the "thick." [He] still confounding thick 
 whalebone with long, Erskine exclaimed, in seeming despair, "Why, man, 
 you do not seem to know the difference between what is thick and what is 
 long ! Now, I tell you the difference. You are <McA:-headed, and you are 
 not ZoTi^f-headed. " 
 
 A CHANGE. 
 Lord Erskine (continues Campbell) had a kindness for his countryman 
 Park, afterwards a judge of the Court of Common Pleas, but occasionally 
 quizzed him ; and he wrote upon him the following lines, which, with a little 
 alteration, might have been applied to himself : — 
 "James Allan Park 
 Came naked stark 
 From Scotland ; 
 But now wears clo'es. 
 And lives with beaux 
 In England." 
 
 ILLUMINATION. 
 On the long, lanky visage of Mr Justice Ashurst, before whom he daily 
 practised, Erskine penned the following couplet : — 
 
 " Judge Ashurst, with his lantern jaws 
 Throws light upon the English laws." 
 
 • PLEASURE AND PAIN. 
 Being much indisposed during dinner at Sir Ralph Payne's, in Grafton 
 Street, Lord Erskine retired to another apartment, and reclined for some 
 time on a sofa. In the course of the evening, being somewhat recovered, he 
 rejoined the festive circle ; and Lady Payne inquiring how he found himselfj 
 he presented to her the following couplet : — 
 
 " 'Tis true I am ill, but I need not complain, 
 For he never knew pleasure who never knew Payne." 
 
 RHYME AND REASON. 
 One day in 1807, when engaged to dine on turtle with the Lord Mayor, 
 Lord Erskine was obliged to sit late on the woolsack. Plumer pleading at 
 
 '■ Lives of the Lord Chancellors. 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 65 
 
 the bar with great turbulence and tediousness, the Chancellor (says Campbell) 
 was secretly very impatient and angry, but was observed to be writing dili- 
 gently. Lord Holland, who was very familiar with him, and suspected from 
 his manner that there was something unusual in his occupation, asked for a 
 sight of his note-book. Being produced, it was found to contain the following 
 lines addressed to Plumer : — 
 
 " Oh that thy cursed halderdash 
 
 Were swiftly turned to callipash ! 
 
 Thy bands so stiff, and snug toupee. 
 
 Corrected were to callipee. 
 
 That since I can nor dine nor sup, 
 
 I might arise and eat thee up ! " 
 
 AN EXCELLENT EXAMPLE. 
 Another story of Lord Erskine : — A junior barrister, joining the circuit, had 
 the misfortune to have his trunk cut off from the back of his post-chaise, on 
 which the jocund leader (Erskine) comforted him by saying, " Young gentle- 
 man ! henceforth imitate the elephant, wisest of animals, who always carries 
 his trunk before him."^ 
 
 IN QUOQUE. 
 Crossing Hampstead Heath, Lord Erskine saw a ruflBanly driver most un- 
 mercifully pummelling a miserable bare -boned pack-horse ; and, remonstrating 
 with him, received this answer, " Why, it's my own ; mayn't I use it as I 
 please?" As the fellow spoke, he discharged a fresh shower of blows on the 
 raw back of his beast. Erskine, much irritated by this brutality, laid two or 
 three sharp strokes of his walking-stick over the shoulders of the cowardly 
 oflfender, who, crouching and grumbling, asked him what business he had to 
 touchhim with his stick? "Why," replied Erskine, "my stick is my own; 
 mayn't I use it as I please?" 
 
 EMBLEMATICAL. 
 Being counsel for a person who, whilst travelling in a stage-coach which 
 started from the " Swan with Two Necks," in Lad Lane, had been upset and 
 had his arm broken. Lord Erskine thus, with much gravity, began : — " Gentle- 
 men of the jury, the plaintiff in this case is Mr Beverley, a respectable mer- 
 chant of Liverpool, and the defendant is Mr Nelson, proprietor of the * Swan 
 with Two Necks' — a sign emblematical, I suppose, of the number of necks 
 people ought to possess who ride in his vehicles." 
 
 1 He made the same joke on another occasion, in reference to a keeper of wild beasts 
 called PoUio, who had lost a portmanteau in a similar manner, 
 
 E 
 
66 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 THE GREAT SEAL. 
 When Lord Erskine was Chancellor, being asked by the Secretary of the 
 Treasury whether he would attend the grand ministerial fish dinner to be 
 given at Greenwich at the end of the session, he answered: — "To be sure I 
 will; what would your fish dinner be without the Grmt Sealf^ 
 
 WORSE STILL. 
 [Erskine's] friend, Mr Maylem, of Ramsgate, having observed that his 
 physician had ordered him not to bathe, "Oh, then," said Erskine, "you 
 are Malum prohibitum." " My wife, however," resumed the other, "does 
 bathe." " Worse still," rejoined Erskine, " for she is Malum in se." 
 
 A GENEROUS SUBSCRIPTION. 
 
 The late worthy Sir John Sinclair having proposed that a testimonial 
 should be presented to himself by the British nation, for his eminent public 
 services, in answer to one of his circulars Lord Erskine wrote on the first 
 X)age of a letter, in a flowing hand, these words; — " My dear Sir John, — I 
 am certain there are few in this kingdom who set a higher value on your 
 l)ublic services than myself; and I have the honour to subscribe" — then, on 
 turning over the leaf, was to be found — " myself, your most obedient faithful 
 servant, Erskine." 
 
 UNLESS. 
 One of Erskine's smartest puns (says JeafFreson) referred to a question of 
 evidence. "A case," he observes, in a speech made during later years, 
 "being laid before me by my veteran friend, the Duke of Queensberry — better 
 known as 'old Q' — as to whether he could sue a tradesman for breach of 
 contract about the painting of his house ; and the evidence being totally in- 
 sufficient to support the case, I wrote thus : — • I am of opinion that this action 
 will not lie unless the witnesses do.' "^ 
 
 A BORE. 
 Mr O'Flannagan relates many anecdotes of Plunket: — Some mutual ac- 
 quaintance, who was not remarkable for his brilliancy, was spoken of as 
 having foretold an event. " I always knew he was a bore, " remarked Plunket, 
 "but did not know he was an augur." 
 
 1 J. C. Young has a diflFerent version of this story. 
 
 - It is worthy of notice that this witticism was but a revival (with a modification) of the 
 I)nn attributed to Lord Chancellor Hatton in Bacon's " Apopthegms." 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 67 
 
 TWO CONUNDRUMS. 
 
 Again ; — One of the officials of the Court of Chancery, named Moore, was 
 noted for his peculiar writing — his caligraphy, as he called it ; while one of 
 the most eminent practitioners, seldom absent during the sittings, was a dandy 
 solicitor named Morris. One day, while several of the king's counsel were 
 waiting for the Lord Chancellor's coming, Bushe^ asked Plunket, "Why should 
 this Court remind them of Chester ? " "I give it up," replied Plunket. *' Don't 
 you see," rejoined Bushe, "we are near Penma7i Moore (Penman-Maur)?" "I 
 was stupid, indeed," said Plunket ; " and ask you in return why it reminds us 
 of North Wales?" Bushe was unable to solve the riddle; so, pointing to the 
 dandy solicitor, Plunket jocosely said, " Why, there's Beau Morrisy 
 
 AN EARLY RISER. 
 
 Once more : — On a learned Serjeant, more remarkable for late sitting than 
 early rising, having been appointed a judge of the Common Pleas, when that 
 Court, unlike its present position, had little business, " It's the very Court for 
 him," said Plunket; "it will be up every day before himself." 
 
 A VERY BAD QUARREL. 
 
 At a dinner-party given by the Archbishop of Dublin, Dr Magee, a young 
 Fellow of College wished to attract observation by narrating a difference of 
 opinion between two celebrated men of science, Dr Brinkley,^ the great astro- 
 nomer, and Dr Pond,* The gentleman, being asked to mention the cause of 
 controversy, replied: "Brinkley says that the parallax of a lyrae is three 
 seconds, and Pond contends that it is only two. Each maintains his own 
 opinion with the most obstinate pertinacity ; and, in short, I do not know how 
 it will end, the quarrel is so keen between them." "Upon my word, sir," 
 said Plunket, with a grave comic face, which to those who knew him por- 
 tended a joke, "it must be a very bad quarrel when the seconds cannot 
 agree." 
 
 A GREAT BORE. 
 A somewhat solemn dinner-party was ranged at opposite sides of the well- 
 furnished table at Holland House. Statesmen and literary celebrities mingled 
 with beauties without wit, and wits without beauty, in the select coterie. 
 Hume* was there, and full of dry statistics, pouring tables of figures into the 
 
 1 Sir Charles Kendal Bushe, Chief-Justice of Ireland; d. 1843. 
 
 2 Astronomer-Royal (1767-1836). 3 Bishop of Cloyne (1763-1835). 
 4 Joseph Hume, M.P. (1777-1855). 
 
68 TREASUR V OF MODERN ANECDO TE. 
 
 unwilling ears of his next neighbour, and his hard Scotch voice could be 
 heard for a considerable distance. "Don't you think Mr Hume a great 
 bore ? " inquired a fair daughter of the aristocracy, who sat next to Plunket. 
 ** Indeed I do, Lady ," was the reply ; "a great Caledonian boar." 
 
 CONCEITED. 
 
 Moore writes in his Diary :— Corry described a merry day with Plunket and 
 Bushe at the Pigeon House ; their endeavours to out-pun each other : " Well 
 that's as bad as his; isn't it?" "No, no! mine was the worst; I appeal to 
 all around. " Con Lyne was one of the party, and on his undertaking to recite 
 something, Plunket said, " Come, come, Lyne, stand up while you do it, and 
 nobody can say you're Gon seeded (conceited)." 
 
 A SLIGHT ALTERATION. 
 Con Lyne (says Mr O'Flannagan) was a very social and convivial Irish bar- 
 rister, who loved the report of a champagne flask better than a Report of Law. 
 "Any relation," asked a stranger, " to Con of the Hundred Battles ?" " No," 
 replied Lord Plunket, "but he is Con of the Hundred Bottles." 
 
 NEITHER ONE NOR THE OTHER. 
 On the formation of the Grenville administration, Charles Kendal Bushe, 
 who had the reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from 
 Court, on the ground that he was "cabinet making." The Chancellor (says 
 PhiUips) maliciously disclosed the excuse on his return. "Oh, indeed, my 
 lord, that is an occupation in which my friend would distance me, as I never 
 was either a ii^mcr or a yowK?r." 
 
 NOT OVERTAXED. 
 
 On being told that his successors in the Court of Common Pleas had little 
 or nothing to do, " Well, well," said [Plunket], " they're equal to it." 
 
 NOT SO SICK AS ALL THAT. 
 Everybody (says Phillips) knew how acutely Plunket felt his forced resig- 
 nation of the Chancellorship, and his being superseded by Lord Campbell. A 
 violent tempest arose on the day of his expected arrival, and a friend remark- 
 ing to him how sick of his promotion the passage must have made him : 
 "Yes," said Plunket, ruefuUy, "but it won't make him throw up the 
 seals." 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA IV. 69 
 
 REAL AND PERSONAL. 
 
 Lord Albemarle tells the following story: — "One of my aides-de-camp," 
 said Lord Wellesley to Plunket on one occasion, "has written a personal 
 narrative of his travels, — pray, Chief- Justice, what is your definition of 'per- 
 sonal?'" "My lord," replied Plunket, "we lawyers always consider ^er- 
 sonal as opposed to real." Lord Albemarle was himself the aide-de-camp 
 referred to, and was present when the witticism was uttered. 
 
 THE REVERSE. 
 
 On Plunket once applying the common expression to accommodation bills of 
 exchange, that they were mere Mtes, the judge (an English Chancellor) said 
 "he never heard that expression applied before to any but the kites of boys." 
 "Oh," replied Plunket, "that's the difference between kites in England and 
 in Ireland. In England the wind raises the kite, but in Ireland the kite 
 raises the wind. " 
 
 ALL HIS EYE. 
 
 Moore records : — "Walked Corry over to Bowood. In looking at the cascade, 
 he mentioned what Plunket said, when some one, praising his waterfall, 
 exclaimed, "Why, it's quite a cataract." "Oh, that's all my eye," said 
 Plunket. 
 
 HIS PREFERENCE. 
 Bushe, during a visit to a certain neighbourhood, regularly attended the 
 theatre, and being intimate with the company, they requested his opinion as 
 to their respective merits. "My good friends," said he, "comparisons at 
 best are but invidious. Besides, how can I give a preference where all are 
 perfect?" Nothing, however, would satisfy them. "We are unanimous," 
 they replied; "all jealousy is out of the question, and your opinion we must 
 have." " Well, well," gravely replied Bushe, " I give it most reluctantly. I 
 protest to you I prefer the prompter, for I heard the most and saw the least 
 of him." This, as well as anecdotes immediately following, is told by 
 Phillips. 
 
 BOUND TO SUPPORT HIM. 
 
 When the Ecclesiastical Board was established in Dublin, the commissioners 
 
 met to choose its officers. Amongst those members who attended, there were 
 
 two eminent and truly grateful prelates, upon whom the individual merits of 
 
 the candidates were pressed. The candid answer was, that "owing their 
 
70 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 mitres to the minister, they felt bound to support his nominees ! " On this 
 somewhat startling announcement, Bushe quietly wrote across to Lord 
 Plunket, *'It is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his 
 people, and the sheep of his pasture." 
 
 BUT FOR THAT. 
 
 One day after Mr Plunket had concluded a most able argument, Bushe's 
 neighbour said to him, *' Well, I declare, if it wasn't for the eloqiLence, I'd as 
 
 soon listen to M ." "No doubt," said Bushe, "just as our countryman, 
 
 in his eulogium on whisky, declared, ' Upon my conscience, if it wasn't for 
 the malt and the hops, I'd as soon drink ditch-water as porter.' " 
 
 AN IMPROMPTU. 
 
 On a Leinster circuit, the bar were once prevented by a violent storm from 
 crossing a ferry called Ballinlaw. Amongst its members there was a Mr 
 Caesar Colclough, whose usual travelling appendages consisted of a pair of 
 saddle-bags. Magnanimously heedless of danger, he flung the luggage into 
 the boat, and ordered that it should proceed. Bushe, somewhat disconcerted, 
 penned his revenge in the following impromptu : — 
 
 " While meaner souls the tempest keeps in awe. 
 Intrepid Colclough, crossing Ballinlaw, 
 Shouts to the boatman, shivering in his rags, 
 • You carry Csesar — and — his saddle-bags.' " 
 
 A TOUR DESCRIBED. 
 
 One of the Chief-Justice's brethren, a rigid teetotaller, amused himself 
 during a long vacation by making a tour in Germany. Bushe described it as 
 a traverse absque hoc{k /) 
 
 UNQUESTIONABLY A DRAWBACK. 
 
 A relative of Bushe's, not remarkable for his Hindoo ablutions, once 
 applied to him for a remedy for a sore throat. " Why," said Bushe, gravely, 
 "fill a pail with water, as warm as you can bear it, till it reaches up to your 
 knees ; then take a pint of oatmeal, and scrub your legs with it for a quarter 
 of an hour." "Why, hang it ! man," interrupted the other, " this is nothing 
 more than washing one's feet." "Certainly, my dear Ned," said he; "I do 
 admit it is open to that objection." 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. yi 
 
 HILLS AND BUSHES. 
 There was a barrister named Hillas on the Connaught circuit who had 
 much criminal business. One day, during the assizes of Sligo, he happened 
 to go into the Civil Court, when the prisoners in the dock began one and all 
 to call out, "Mr HiUas, Mr Hillas." Bushe, who presided, immediately- 
 exclaimed, " Pray, send for Mr Hillas. Indeed, he should be here. ' Hillas, 
 Hillas, omne nenius resonat.' " 
 
 ANOTHER IMPROMPTU. 
 There is an impromptu of Bushe's upon two political agitators of the day 
 who had declined an appeal to arms, one on account of his wife, the other 
 from the affection in which he held his daughter : — 
 
 " Two heroes of Erin, abhorrent of slaughter. 
 Improved on the Hebrew command — 
 One honoured his wife, and the other his daughter. 
 That 'their' days might be long in 'the land. '"i 
 
 ELEVATING THE HOST. 
 One more mot of Bushe's cannot be omitted. Although attached to what 
 was called the Tory party, and, in virtue of that attachment, their Solicitor- 
 General, he was more than suspected of entertaining Liberal opinions, par- 
 ticularly on the Roman Catholic question. During the reign of the Duke of 
 Richmond, politics ran high, and it is needless to specify the banner of his 
 Grace. The duke, however, as a convivial spirit, much cultivated — as who 
 would not ? — the society of his accomplished Solicitor-General. Dining one 
 day with a right-trusty Orangeman and " something more," the Charter toast, 
 as a matter of course, was given. Bushe seemed to hang fire. The duke 
 vociferated, "Come, come, Mr Solicitor, do justice for once to the 'immortal 
 memory.' " Hours passed on, and the master of the revels did it such ample 
 and such repeated justice, that at last he tumbled from his chair. The duke 
 immediately raised and re-installed him. " WeU, my lord duke," said Bushe, 
 " this is indeed retribution. Attached to the Catholics you may declare me 
 to be — but, at all events, I never assisted at the elevation of the Host. " 
 
 A QUID PRO QUO. 
 
 A cause of much celebrity was tried at some county assizes. Chief Baron 
 O'Grady (says Lord Albemarle) was the presiding judge. Bushe, then a 
 
 1 We give this on Phillips's authority. It is, however, claimed for Moore, the poet, in 
 whose Memoirs it is given, witli slight variations. The challenger in the duel was Sir C. 
 Saxton; the two "agitators" were Lord Kenmare and O'Connell. 
 
72 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 king's counsel, who held a brief for the defence, was pleading the cause of his 
 client with much eloquence, when a donkey in the Court set up a loud bray. 
 " One at a time, brother Bushe !" called out his lordship. Peals of laughter 
 filled the Court. The counsel bore the interruption as best he could. The 
 judge was proceeding to sum up with his usual ability of speech : the donkey 
 again began to bray. " I beg your lordship's pardon," said Bushe, putting 
 his hand to his ear; "but there is such an echo in the Court that I can't hear 
 a word you say." 
 
 A HIT AT THE DOCTORS. 
 
 Lord Eldon ^ j ocularly complained of the longevity of his incumbents. Being 
 strongly pressed (says Campbell) by George III. to confer a living upon the 
 son of a Court physician, he answered, "I shall be able more speedily to 
 comply with your Majesty's wishes if your Majesty would be pleased to order 
 your physicians to prescribe for my incumbents." 
 
 A HIT AT A BISHOP. 
 
 The following hit at a bishop (which Lord Eldon was ever fond of) his lord- 
 ship himself related : — " Lord Donoughmore came to me on the woolsack upon 
 a day in which something was to pass on the Catholic question, and an emi- 
 nent prelate, it was understood, was to vote with Donoughmore. Entering 
 into conversation with me, Lord Donoughmore said, 'What say you to us 
 now ? "We have got a great card to-night.' I said, * What card do you 
 mean? I know the king is not with you; there is no queen; there is only 
 another great card.' 'What!' said Donoughmore, 'the right reverend pre- 
 late a knave !' * You have called him so,' said I : ' I have not.' " 
 
 KNEE AND NE. 
 Lord Eldon (says Campbell) long retained the relish he had acquired at 
 University College for bad puns. When suffering from the gout in both feet, 
 where, thougli painful, it is not dangerous, he said, "He did not much mind 
 gout below the knee — provided it were * fie plus ultra. ' " 
 
 GREAT SNORING. 
 According to the same authority, Lord Eldon caused a loud laugh while the 
 old Duke of Norfolk was fast asleep in the House of Lords, and amusing their 
 
 1 Lord Chancellor; h. 1781, d. 1S3S. 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 73 
 
 lordships with "that tuneful nightingale, his nose," by announcing from 
 the woolsack, with solemn emphasis, that the Commons had sent up a bill 
 for "enclosing and dividing Great Snoring in the county of Norfolk!" 
 
 REGULAR EXERCISE. 
 Lord Eldon, in allusion to Lord Stowell's love of good things, which in- 
 duced him to dine in the Temple Hall at five, by way of a whet for an eight 
 o'clock dinner at the west end of the town, would say, " My brother takes 
 regular exercise twice a-day — in eating."'^ 
 
 ON KEEPING BOOKS. 
 Unconscious (says Lord Campbell of Lord Eldon) of the joke which I have 
 often heard circulated against himself — that when Chancellor he greatly aug- 
 mented his own library by borrowing books quoted at the bar, and forgetting 
 to return them — he would say of such borrowers, " Though backward in 
 accounting, they are well practised in hook-keeping.*^ 
 
 NO UNDERSTANDING. 
 
 A counsel at the Chancery bar, by way of denying collusion, suspected to 
 exist between him and the couVisel representing another party, having said, 
 "My lord, I assure your lordship there is no understanding between us," 
 Lord Eldon said, "I once heard a squire in the House of Commons say of 
 himself and another squire, " We have never, through life, had but one idea, 
 between us;' but I tremble for the suitors when 1 am told that two eminent 
 practitioners at my bar have no understanding between them ! " 
 
 THEY WERE SO POSITIVE. 
 Lord Eldon was rather a strict preserver of his game, although always 
 disposed to act good-humouredly to trespassers when he personally came in 
 contact with them. " One day," he said [on one occasion], " as I was with 
 my dog and gun on my grounds in my usual shooting attire, I heard two 
 reports in an adjoining field, and saw what appeared to be, as in fact they 
 afterwards proved, two gentlemen. I accosted them with — * Gentlemen, I 
 apprehend you have not Lord Eldon's permission to shoot on his grounds?' 
 to which one of them replied, 'Oh, permission is not necessary in our case.' 
 * May I venture to ask why, gentlemen?' I said. 'Because we flushed our 
 
 1 Lord Stowell, it would seem, had his revenge, in saying of Lord Eldon, " My brother 
 will drink any given quantity of wine ;" and, when asked what the Chancellor killed when 
 he went out shooting, " He MUs—time." 
 
74 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 birds on other ground, and the law entitles us to follow our game anywhere ;. 
 if you ask your master, Lord Eldon, he'll tell you that is the law. ' Where- 
 upon I said, ' I don't think it will be necessary to trouble him on that account, 
 since, to tell you the truth, I am Lord Eldon myself !' They instantly sought 
 to apologise ; but I added, ' Come, gentlemen, our meeting has begun in good 
 humour, and so let it end. Pursue your pleasure on my grounds — only next 
 time don't be quite so positive in your law. ' " 
 
 ''OLD BAGS." 
 Lord Eldon when out shooting one day required a half-pay captain (wha 
 was trespassing) to show his certificate. " Who are you?" said the trespasser ^ 
 ** I suppose, one of old Bags' keepers." ** No," replied the Chancellor with a 
 smile, " I am old Bags himself;" and they parted good friends. 
 
 X'S NOT Y'S. 
 Moore records the following : — Old Bond (the clergyman) having said, in 
 conversing with Lord E[ldon], "You are now then, my lord, one of the 
 Ex's." " Yes, Mr Bond," answered Lord E[ldon], "and, in this last instance, 
 I must confess the X's were not Y's" (wise). 
 
 EATEN AND EATABLE. 
 In the early days of his married life, whilst playing the part of an Oxford 
 Don, Lord Eldon was required (says Jeaffreson) to decide in an action brought 
 by two undergraduates against the cook of University College. The plaintiffs 
 declared that the cook had "sent to their rooms an apple-pie tJiat could not be 
 eaten. " The defendant pleaded that he had a remarkably fine fillet of veal in 
 the kitchen. Having set aside this plea on grounds obvious to the legal 
 mind, and not otherwise than manifest to unlearned laymen, Mr John Scott 
 ordered the apple-pie to be brought into Court ; but the messenger despatched 
 to do the judge's bidding returned with the astounding intelligence, that 
 during the progress of the litigation, a party of undergraduates had actually 
 devoured the pie — fruit and crust ; nothing but the pan was left. Judgment : 
 — "The charge here is, that the cook has sent up an apple-pie that cannot be 
 eaten. Now, that cannot be said to have been uneatable which has been 
 eaten ; and as this apple-pie has been eaten, it was eatable. Let the cook be 
 absolved." 
 
 MOST UNLIKELY. 
 In 1829, when Lyndhurst was occupying the woolsack for the first time, 
 and Eldon was longing to recover the seals, the latter (says Jeaffreson) pre- 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 75. 
 
 sented a petition from the Tailors' Company at Glasgow against Catholic 
 Eelief. " What !" asked Lord Lyndhurst from the woolsack, in a low voice, 
 "do the tailors trouble themselves about such measures V Whereto, with, 
 unaccustomed quickness, the old Tory of the Tories retorted, "No wonder I 
 You can't suppose that tailors like turncoats." 
 
 THE VERY LEAST. 
 
 Lord Campbell notes some good anecdotes of Thurlow.^ He says that 
 judge's habit of profane swearing he could not always control, even when on 
 the bench. Yet some supposed that, in reality, he had a great deal of good 
 humour under an ostentatiously rough exterior. It is related that once, at 
 the adjournment of the Court for the long vacation, he was withdrawing 
 without taking the usual leave of the bar, when a young barrister exclaimed 
 in a stage whisper, "He might at least have said d — n you." The Chan- 
 cellor, hearing the remark, returned and politely made his bow. 
 
 TAKING HIM DOWN. 
 
 Lord Thurlow was induced to dine with George Johnstone, who, being the 
 most ridiculous toady of great men, and aspiring to what he thought genteel 
 manners, said to him, " I am afraid, my lord, the port wine is not so good 
 as I could wish;" upon which Thurlow growled out, " I have tasted better." 
 
 DITTO. 
 
 On one occasion one of the caterers for company for Lord Thurlow's amuse- 
 ment thought he had secured a great card, when he took Sir , an 
 
 F.R.S., a solemn conceited pedant of great pretension on very moderate 
 foundation, to call upon him. In mentioning the circumstance afterwards. 
 Lord Thurlow merely observed, "A gentleman did me the honour to call upon 
 me to-day; indeed, I believe he was a knight I" 
 
 HARD ON THE SOLICITOR. 
 A solicitor once had to prove a death before Lord Thurlow, and being told, 
 upon every statement he made, "Sir, that is no proof," at last exclaimed, 
 much vexed, "My, lord, it is very hard that you will not believe me. I 
 knew him well to his last hour ; I saw him dead and in his coffin, my lord. 
 My lord, he was my client." Lord Chancellor: "Good G — d, sir! why did 
 
 1 Lord Chancellor ; 6. 1732, d. 1806. 
 
76 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 you not tell me that before ? I should not have doubted the foct one moment ; 
 for I think nothing can be so likely to kill a man as to have you for his 
 attorney."^ 
 
 BAD REASONS. 
 Lord Eldon writes : — After dinner, one day when nobody was present but 
 Lord Kenyon and myself, Lord Thurlow said, '* Taffy, I decided a cause this 
 morning, and I saw from Scott's face that he doubted whether I was right." 
 Thurlow then stated his view of the case, and Kenyon instantly said, "Your 
 decision was quite right." "What say you to that?" asked the Chancellor. 
 I said, " I did not presume to form a case on which they were both agreed. 
 But I think a fact has not been mentioned, which may be material. " I was 
 about to state the fact, and my reasons. Kenyon, however, broke in upon 
 me, and with some warmth stated that I was always so obstinate there was 
 no dealing with me. " Nay," interposed Thurlow, "that's not fair. You, 
 Taffy, are obstinate, and give no reasons. You, Jack, are obstinate, too; 
 but then you give your reasons, and d — d bad ones they are ! " 
 
 NOT BAD. 
 
 Thurlow having heard that Kenyon had said to a party who had threatened 
 to appeal from his decision, by filing a bill in Chancery, "Go into Chancery, 
 then; ahi in malam rem ! '' The next time he met the testy Chief- Justice, 
 he said, " Taffy, when did you first think the Court of Chancery was such a 
 Tnala res? I remember when you made a very good thing of it. " 
 
 NIPPED IN THE BUD. 
 
 I have been told (says Lord Campbell) by an old gentleman, who was 
 standing behind the woolsack at the time that Sir Hay Campbell, then Lord 
 Advocate, arguing a Scotch appeal at the bar in a very tedious manner, 
 said, ' ' I will noo, my lords, proceed to my seevent pownt. " * ' I'll be d — d 
 if you do," cried Thurlow, so as to be heard by all present; "this house is 
 adjourned till Monday next," and off he scampered. 
 
 HE WISHED HE WAS. 
 From another valet Lord Thurlow received a still more cutting retort. 
 Having scolded this meek man for some time without receiving any answer, 
 he concluded by saying, "I wish you were in hell." The terrified valet at 
 last exclaimed, " I wish I was, my lord ! I wish I was !" 
 
 1 This ■brutal jest is said to have ruined the business of the unfortunate victim of it. 
 
ABOUT LAWYERS AND THE LAW. 77 
 
 A POLITE VARIATION. 
 
 Lord Thurlow having once got into a dispute with a bishop respecting a 
 living of which the Great Seal had the alternate presentation, the bishop's 
 
 secretary called upon him, and said, **My lord of sends his compliments 
 
 to your lordship, and believes that the next turn to present to belongs 
 
 to his lordship." Chancellor: "Give my compliments to his lordship, and 
 tell him that I will see him d — d first before he shall present." Secretary: 
 "This, my lord, is a very unpleasant message to deliver to a bishop." 
 Cliancellor: "You are right; it is so; therefore tell the bishop that I will be 
 d — d first before he shall present." 
 
 A DEFENDER OF THE FAITH. 
 
 Crabb Robinson writes : — When, in 1788, Beaufoy made his famous attempt 
 to obtain the repeal of the Corporation and Test Act, a deputation waited on 
 the Lord Chancellor Thurlow to obtain his support. The Chancellor heard 
 them very civilly, and then said, "Gentlemen, I'm against you, by G— d. 
 I am for the Established Church, d — m me! Not that I have any more 
 regard for the Established Church than any other church, but because it is 
 established. And if you can get your religion established, I'll be for that 
 too!" 
 
 A COMPANY. 
 
 You remember (says Sydney Smith) Thurlow's answer to some one com- 
 plaining of the injustice of a company. "Why, you never expected justice 
 from a company, did you? They have neither a soul to save, nor a body to 
 kick." 
 
 A CURIOUS COINCIDENCE. 
 In his undergraduate days at Cambridge, Lord Thurlow is said to have 
 worried the tutors of Caius with a series of disorderly pranks and impudent 
 escapades ; but on one occasion he unquestionably displayed at the University 
 the quick wit that in after-life rescued him from many an embarrassing posi- 
 tion. "Sir," observed a tutor, giving the imruly undergraduate a look of 
 disapproval, " I never come to the window without seeing you idling in the 
 court." "Sir," replied young Thurlow, imitating the Don's tone, "I never 
 come into the court without seeing you idling at the window."^ 
 
 1 Mr Frederick Locker tells very much the same story of " a certain friend" of his— now 
 " champion of our Lyrical Light Weights." 
 
78 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 NOT EETURNABLE. 
 
 On a motion once before [Lord Norbury], a sheriffs officer, who had the 
 hardihood to serve a process in Connemara, Dick Martin's territory, where the 
 king's writ did not run, swore that the natives made him eat and swallow 
 hoth copy and original. Norbury, affecting great disgnst, exclaimed, "Jack- 
 son, Jackson, I hope it's not made returnable into this Com-t." 
 
 SHAKE-SPEARE. 
 
 In all his leisure hours, Norbury was on horseback, and almost as frolic- 
 some as if he was on the bench. Meeting one day a barrister of the name 
 of Speare, he immediately joined him, " I protest, Speare, that's a very line 
 horse." " He's a very fine trotter, my lord; and I have been ordered to ride 
 Mm for the sake of the exercise." " What's his name ?" "He has no name, 
 my lord," said Speare. "Well, then, in honour of his paces and his rider — 
 caU him Shake- Speare.'' This and the above are told by Phillips. 
 
 A BIBLICAL CITATION. 
 
 Lord Norbury (says O'Flannagan) had a testy neighbour in the country 
 near Phibsborough, whose cattle often roamed on his lordship's grounds ; but 
 when the cows of his lordship returned their visit, he was threatened with an 
 action for damage done. To this he replied somewhat irreverently, " Forgive 
 ns our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us. " 
 
 A GOOD NAME. 
 
 On another occasion a Mr Pepper being thrown from his horse, Lord Nor- 
 bury inquired "if the horse had any name?" "Yes," said the owner, "we 
 call him Castor." "And a very good name for him," replied his lordship; 
 "but henceforth you may call him Pepper-Caster. " 
 
 A FOOLISH TAILOR. 
 
 Lord Norbury, walking to Court one morning, saw a crowd on the quay, 
 near the Four Courts. He inquired the cause, and was informed * ' a tailor 
 had just been rescued from attempting suicide by drowning." "What a 
 fool," responded the Chief- Justice, ''to leave his hot goose for a cold duck." 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 79 
 
 MINDING THE SCRIPTURE. 
 The son of a peer having been accused of arson, of which offence he was 
 generally believed gnilty, but acquitted on a point of insufficiency of evidence 
 to sustain the indictment, was tried before Lord Norbury. The young 
 i^entleman met the judge next at the Lord-Lieutenant's levee in the Castle. 
 Instead of avoiding the Chief- Justice, the scion of aristocracy boldly said, " I 
 have recently married, and have come here to enable me to present my bride 
 at the Drawing-Room. " " Quite right to mind the Scripture. Better marry 
 than burn," retorted Lord Norbury. 
 
 SHOOTING HAIRS. 
 
 A gentleman having boasted in his presence of having shot seventy hares 
 before breakfast, Lord Norbury caused a laugh by observing, very drily, "I 
 dare say you fired at a wig." 
 
 AN EXPLANATION. 
 [Sir Boyle Roche] (says Phillips) was the droll of the House of Commons, 
 and was continually perpetrating bulls, which Curran used to insist were the 
 result of preparation. His celebrated one, confounding ages past and present, 
 deserves a record. "Mr Speaker," said he, "I don't see why we should put 
 ourselves out of the way to benefit posterity. "What has posterity ever done 
 for us?" When the roar which followed had subsided, Sir Boyle entered 
 upon a lucid explanation. " By posterity, sir, I do not mean our ancestors, 
 but those who were to come immediately after them." 
 
 WILLING. 
 On another occasion (says the same authority) Sir Boyle Roche announced 
 that "he for one was quite prepared to give up, not merely a part, but the 
 whole of the constitution, to preserve the remainder." 
 
 A SUGGESTION. 
 Indignant at receiving small bottles from his wine-merchant, Sir Boyle 
 Roche took occasion to suggest to Parliament that for the future, by law, 
 " every quart bottle should hold a quart." 
 
 A FLATTERING REQUEST. 
 One of Sir Boyle Roche's invitations to an Irish nobleman was amusingly 
 equivocal. ' ' I hope, my lord, if ever you come within a mile of my house, 
 you'll stay there all night. " 
 
8o TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 THE VERY REVERSE. 
 
 Sir Boyle Roche's rebuke to his shoemaker, when he had the gout, was not 
 wanting in natural humour. " Oh ! you're a precious blockhead to do directly 
 the reverse of what I desired you. I told you to make one of the shoes larger 
 than the other, and, instead of that, you have made one of them smaller than 
 the other ! The very opposite ! " 
 
 AN ENEMY OF THEIRS. 
 
 Curran by no means liked Sir Boyle. Having said one night that he needed 
 no aid from anyone, and could be " the guardian of his own honour" — " In- 
 deed!" exclaimed Sir Boyle; "why, I always thought the right honourable 
 member was an enemy to sinecures." 
 
 THE AFFIRMATIVE. 
 
 Moore speaks of Sir Boyle Roche saying energetically in the House, "Mr 
 Speaker, I'll answer boldly in the affirmative. No !" 
 
 MIXED METAPHOR. 
 
 Speaking of the invasion then expected from France, Sir Boyle Roche styled 
 the Marsellaise the " Marshal-law men, who, if they came, would cut us into 
 mince-meat, and throw our bleeding heads on the table to stare us in the face; 
 but the best way to avoid danger was to meet it plump." 
 
 HE WOULD LAY IT DOWN. 
 
 According to Rogers the poet, Lord EUenborough^ had infinite wit. When 
 the Income-tax was imposed, he said that Lord Kenyon (who was not very 
 nice in his habits) intended, in consequence of it, to lay down — his pocket — 
 handkerchief. 
 
 QUITE RIGHT. 
 
 A lawyer one day pleading before him, and using several times the expres- 
 sion, "My unfortunate client," Lord Ellenborough suddenly interrupted him: 
 "There, sir, the Court is with you."^ 
 
 1 Edward Law, Lord Ellenborough, Lord Chief- Justice; 6. 1748, d. 1818, 
 
 2 "This," says Sydney Smith, "was perhaps irresistible; but yet, how wicked! how 
 cruel! it deserves a thousand years' punishment, at least." — Lije, by Lady HoUand. 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LAW. 8i 
 
 OUT OF THE QUESTION. 
 
 Moore records what Lord Ellenborough said to the barrister, upon his 
 
 asking, in the midst of a most boring harangue, " Is it the pleasure of the 
 
 Court that I should proceed with my statement?" " Pleasure, Mr , has 
 
 been out of the question for a long time ; but you may proceed. " 
 
 MOST UNNATUEAL. 
 Moore also records the story of Lord EUenborough's saying to a witness, 
 " Why, you are an industrious fellow; you must have taken pains with your- 
 self; no man was ever naturally so stupid." 
 
 TAKING HIM DOWN. 
 Jekyll, in talking of figurative oratory, mentioned in Moore's hearing this 
 story of the barrister before Lord Ellenborough : — " My lord, I appear before 
 you in the character of an advocate from the city of London ; my lord, the 
 city of London herself appears before you as a suppliant for justice. My lord, 
 it is written in the book of nature — " "What book?" says Lord E. "The 
 book of nature." " Name the page," says Lord E., holding his pen uplifted, 
 as if to note the page down. 
 
 ASKING HIMSELF. 
 Moore further records the story of Lord W— — saying in one of his speeches, 
 " I ask myself so and so," and repeating the words, " I ask myself." " Yes," 
 said Lord Ellenborough, "and a d — d foolish answer you'U get," 
 
 ENCROACHING. 
 
 When (says Sydney Smith) I hear the rustics yawn audibly at my sermons, 
 it reminds me of that observation of Lord EUenborough's, who, on seeing Lord 
 
 gape during his own long and dull speech, said, " Well, I must own 
 
 there is some taste in that, but is not Lord rather encroaching on our 
 
 privileges?"^ 
 
 A MATTER OF SCIENCE. 
 Notwithstanding (says JeafTreson) his high reputation for wit, Lord Ellen- 
 borough would deign to use the oldest jests. To silence a wearisome talker, 
 he would pelt him with puns from Joe Miller; but though his missiles were of 
 
 1 This story is also told by Moore. 
 F 
 
82 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 the cheapest kind, and picked from public ground, he hurled them with a force 
 and precision that drew the applause of bystanders. Thus of Mr Caldecott, 
 who over and over again, with dull verbosity, had said that certain limestone 
 quarries, like lead and copper mines, " were not rateable, because the limestone 
 could only be reached by boring, which was matter of science, " he gravely 
 inquired : " "Would you, Mr Caldecott, have us to believe that every kind of 
 boring is matter of science ? " 
 
 NOTHING GAINED. 
 Very pungent, too, was Lord EUenborough's ejaculation at a Cabinet dinner, 
 (vhen he heard that Lord Kenyon was about to close his penurious old age by 
 dying. "Die! — why should he die? What would he get by that?" inter- 
 posed Lord Ellenborough. 
 
 A SAVING. 
 Having jested about Kenyon's parsimony as the old man lay in extremis, 
 Ellenborough placed another joke of the same kind upon his coffin. Hearing 
 that, through the blunder of an illiterate undertaker, the motto on Kenyon's 
 hatchment in Lincoln's Inn Fields had been painted ^^ Mors Janua Vita" 
 instead of ^^ Mors Janua Vitce," he exclaimed, "Bless you! there's no mis- 
 take. Kenyon's will directed that it should be ' Vita,' so that his estate might 
 be saved the expense of a diphthong." 
 
 NO ONE. 
 
 To the surgeon in the witness-box who said, " I employ myself as a sur- 
 geon," Lord Ellenborough retorted, *' But does anybody else employ you as 
 
 IN DISGUISE. 
 The demand to be examined on affirmation being preferred by a Quaker 
 witness, whose dress was so much like the costume of an ordinary conformist 
 that the officer of the Court had begun to administer the usual oath, Lord 
 Ellenborough inquired of the " Friend," " Do you really mean to impose upon 
 the Court by appearing here in the disguise of a reasonable being ? " 
 
 A PROPER YOUNG MAN. 
 Lord Campbell records the following of Sir Nicholas Bacon, Lord Keeper of 
 the Great SeaP: — Being asked his opinion, by the Earl of Leicester, concerning 
 
 1 Bom 1510, died 1579. 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W, 83 
 
 two persons of whom the Queen seemed to think well, "By my troth, my 
 lord," said he, "the one is a grave councillor; the other is a proper young 
 man, and so will he he as long as he lives.'" ^ 
 
 "LICENSE, THEY CRY." 
 At a time when there was a great clamour about monopolies created hy a 
 licence to make a particular manufacture, with a prohibition to all others to 
 do the like, being asked by Queen Elizabeth what he thought of these mono- 
 poly licences. Sir Nicholas Bacon answered, "Madam, will you have me 
 speak the truth ? Licentid omnes deteriores sumus: we are all the worse for 
 licences." 
 
 "HOG" AND "BACON." 
 
 Once going the Northern Circuit as judge, before he had the Great Seal, Sir 
 Nicholas Bacon was about to pass sentence on a thief convicted before him, 
 when the prisoner, after various pleas had been overruled, asked for mercy on 
 account of kindred. " Prithee," said my lord judge, " how comes this about ?" 
 " Why, if it please you, my lord, your name is Bacon, and mine is ffog, and 
 in all ages ffog and Bacon have been so near kindred that they are not to be 
 separated." "Ay, but," replied the judge, "you and I cannot be kindred 
 except you be hanged, for ffog is not Bacon until it be well hanged." 
 
 A DIFFICULT MATTER. 
 Lord Campbell tells this story about Henry Erskine^ : — Having been speak- 
 ing in the Outer House, at the bar of Lord Swinton, a very good, but a very 
 slow and deaf judge, Erskine was called away to the bar of Lord Braxfield, 
 who was Lord Ordinary for the week. On his coming up, Lord Braxfield 
 said to him, "Well, Dean, what is this you've been talking so loudly about 
 to my Lord Swinton ?" "About a cask of whisky, my lord" (replied Harry); 
 "but I found it no easy matter to make it run in his lordship's head." 
 
 NOT HIS OWN STYLE. 
 Andrew Balfour, one of the commissaries of Edinburgh, was a man of much 
 pomposity of manner, appearance, and expression. Harry Erskine met him 
 one morning coming into the Court, and observing that he was lame, said to 
 
 1 Campbell adds : " This sarcasm (indifferent as it is) was stolen from Sir Thomas More, 
 who, when his wife at last had a son who turned out rather silly, observed to her that she 
 had so long prayed for a toy, he was afraid her son would continue a boy as long as he lived- 
 
 2 Lord Advocate; 6. 1746, d. 1817. 
 
84 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 him, * * What has happened, Commissary ? I am sorry to see you limping. " 
 "I was visiting my brother in Fife," said the commissary, "and I fell over 
 his stile, and had nearly broken my leg." "It was lucky, Commissary" 
 (replied Harry), "it was not your own stile, for you would then have broken 
 your neck. " 
 
 VERY POOR. 
 Henry Erskine's brother, the Earl of Buchan, who aimed at being a jester 
 as well as a philosopher and a poet, one day, putting his head below the lock 
 of the parlour door, exclaimed, "See, Harry, here's 'Locke on the Human 
 Understanding.' " " Rather a poor edition, my lord," replied Harry. 
 
 ABANDOI^ED HABITS. 
 Henry Erskine succeeding Dundas as Lord Advocate, that good-humoured 
 politician offered to lend him his embroidered official gown, as he would not 
 want it long. "No," said he in the same spirit, "I will not assume the 
 abandoned habits of my predecessors." 
 
 THE BEST OF IT. 
 Robert Smith (brother of Sydney Smith, and familiarly called "Bobus") 
 was a lawyer and an ex-advocate general, and happened on one occasion, says 
 Mr Hayward, to be engaged in argument with an excellent physician touch- 
 ing the merits of their respective professions. "You must admit," urged Dr 
 
 , "that your profession does not make angels of men." "No," was the 
 
 retort ; " there you have the best of it ; yours certainly gives them the first 
 chance. " 
 
 A USEFUL SUBORDINATE. 
 Macaulay writes of Robert Smith : — Bobus was very amusing. He is a 
 great authority on Indian matters. "We talked of the insects and the snakes, 
 and he said a thing which reminded me of his brother Sydney : "Always, 
 sir, manage to have at your table some fleshy, blooming young writer or 
 cadet, just come out, that the mosquitoes may stick to him, and leave the 
 rest of the company alone. " 
 
 A WORD AND A BLOW. 
 
 Talking of Kean (records Moore), I mentioned his having told me that he 
 had eked out his means of living, before he emerged from obscurity, by 
 teaching dancing, fencing, elocution, and boxing. " Elocution and boxing ! " 
 (repeated Bobus Smith) — "a word and a blow." 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 85 
 
 A FREE TRANSLATION. 
 According to Barham, Sydney Smith said his brother Robert had, in George 
 III.'s time, translated the motto, *^ Lihertas sub rege pio" — " The pious king 
 has got liberty under." 
 
 HARDLY! 
 
 When the Munster Circuit met in Limerick, the bar (says O'FIannagan) 
 were usually entertained by a hospitable gentleman, named Flatly, who occu- 
 pied a handsome suburban residence near Castle Connell. Lysaght being at 
 one of these parties, where everything was arranged with exquisite taste, said 
 to their host, "I really feel surprised that you are allowed to remain a 
 bachelor, and so near a city celebrated for the beauty of the fair daughters. 
 Why is this?" The host coloured, and said "he often wished to change his 
 solitary condition, but could not muster sufficient courage to pop the ques- 
 tion." "I tell you this," said Lysaght, "depend upon it, if you ask any 
 girl boldly, she never will refuse you Flatly !'' 
 
 BREECHLOADERS. 
 J. C. Young has left behind him several anecdotes of Hicks, the barrister. 
 For example : — I walked with Hicks to see the sport [at a shooting party]. 
 
 At one moment during the battue, Mr H , in firing at a hare, very nearly 
 
 peppered Hicks. The shot did actually rattle agaiAst his coat-tails. He 
 supposed himself that he was hit, and, springing off the ground a good ten or 
 twelve inches, and clapping his hands behind him to ascertain that he was 
 unharmed, said, with a tremulous voice, "I say — I say — this comes of firing 
 with Jreec^-loaders." 
 
 BEST V. WALL. 
 
 Hicks, at church at Bodmin, heard the rector publish the banns of mar- 
 riage between Job Wall and Mary Best. He wrote these lines off-hand, and 
 sent them (says Young) to the officiating clergyman : — 
 
 "Job, wanting a partner, thought he'd be blest. 
 If, of all womankind, he selected the Best ; 
 For, said he, of all evils that compass the globe^ 
 A bad wife would most try the patience of Job. 
 The Best, then, he chose, and made bone of his bone. 
 Though 'twas clear to his friends she'd be Best left alone ; 
 For, though Best of her sex, she's the weakest of all. 
 If 'tis true that the weakest must go to the "Wall." 
 
86 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 LOT AND SALTER. 
 
 On another similar occasion, Mr Lot, the hatter of Bodmin, was married to 
 a Miss Salter ; when [Hicks] wrote the following lines : — 
 
 " Because on her way she chose to halt. 
 Lot's wife, in the Scriptures, was turn'd into salt ; 
 But, though in her course she ne'er did falter, 
 This young Lot's wife, strange to say, was Salter." 
 
 PICKLE AND SALTER. 
 Hicks was in Court at Bodmin Assizes, when a Mr Bickle was tried for a 
 breach of promise of marriage to a Miss Salter. A certain eminent counsel 
 who was engaged in the suit, threw across the table to Hicks these lines on a 
 slip of paper — 
 
 "Oh! Mr Bickle 
 You're in a pickle 
 For being fickle ! " 
 
 Hicks threw back the paper with this answer — 
 " 'Tis true he did falter 
 In going to the altar, 
 But he's not in a pickle. 
 For he did not get Salter." 
 
 THE THREE BALLS. 
 
 A gentleman of very great talent, but of rather extravagant habits, was 
 going to a dance ; and knowing Hicks to have a very handsome pin, which 
 had been presented to him, he asked him if he would lend it him. ' ' What 
 for ?" said Hicks. *' Well, if you must know, I want to take it to the ball." 
 "Pooh, pooh ! Don't tell me. You want to take it to the three balls," was 
 the answer. 
 
 THAT WAS ALL. 
 A mirth-loving judge. Justice Powell, could be as thoroughly humorous 
 in private life as he was fearless and just upon the bench. When Fowler, 
 Bishop of Gloucester — a thorough believer in what is nowadays called spirit- 
 ualism — was persecuting his acquaintance with silly stories about ghosts, 
 Powell gave him a telling reproof for his credulity, by describing a horrible 
 apparition which was represented as having disturbed the narrator's rest on 
 the previous night. At the hour of midnight, as the clocks were striking 
 twelve, the Judge was roused from his first slumber by a hideous sound. 
 Starting up, he saw at the foot of his uncompanioned bed a figure — dark, 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 87 
 
 gloomy, terrible — holding before its grim and repulsive visage a lamp that 
 shed an uncertain light. "May Heaven have mercy upon us!" ejaculated 
 the Bishop at this portion of the story. The Judge continued his story: " Be 
 calm, my lord Bishop ; be calm. The awful part of this mysterious interview 
 has still to be told. Nerving myself to fashion the words of enquiry, I 
 addressed the nocturnal visitor thus — ' Strange being, why hast thou come at 
 this still hour to perturb a sinful mortal ?' You understand, my Lord, I said 
 this in hollow tones — in what I may almost term a sepulchral voice." "Ay — 
 ay," responded the Bishop, with intense excitement ; ** go on — I implore you 
 to go on. What did it answer?" "It answered, in a voice not greatly 
 different from the voice of a human creature — ' Please, sir, I am the watchman 
 on heat, and your street door is open. ' " ^ 
 
 THE BENEFIT OF THE ACT. 
 
 Peter Burrowes and John Parsons were (says Phillips) the first Irish Com- 
 missioners of Insolvency, and the appointments were understood to have come 
 just in time. Kites —in matter-of-fact England called, prosaically, accommo- 
 dation bills — had flown between them ; so long, indeed, that the flight grew 
 somewhat feeble. The retrieved associates, on their way to Court for the first 
 time, indulged, as was natural, in mutual congratulations. "What a lucky 
 hit !" said Peter ; " who could have expected it?" "Everybody, Peter ; what 
 else had we before us but the benefit of the act ?" 
 
 NEVER. 
 
 There was (says the above authority) a grave literal meaning about Parsons' 
 notahilia, which at once afl&liated them. One instance occurs in his answer to 
 a Crown solicitor on circuit. The man had an awful halt in his gait, and 
 limped hastily up to Parsons in the street with " Pray, Mr Parsons, did you 
 see Mr MacNally " [who was also lame] "walking this way ?" "Upon my 
 word, sir," was the answer, " I never saw him walking any other way." 
 
 HIS DUE. 
 
 There is a terseness in the following (says Phillips) which seems to me 
 inimitable. Norbury was travelling with [Parsons]: they passed a gibbet. 
 " Parsons," said Norbury, with a chuckle, "where would you be now if every 
 one had his due ?" "Alone in my carriage," replied Parsons. 
 
 * Jeaffresou's Book about Lawyers. 
 
88 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 THE POSITION OF RUNNER. 
 Lysaglit, the Irisli barrister, once met Mr La Touche, the Dublin banker, 
 and knowing the extreme particularity of this descendant of the Huguenots 
 respecting the character of his bank officials, startled the staid banker by 
 saying, "When a situation among the officers of the house on Corkhill was 
 vacant, he, Mr Lysaght, would be ready to fill it." "You, my dear Lysaght," 
 said the banker, "what situation in my establishment could possibly suit 
 you ?" " Not only one, but two," replied the wit. *' Pray, what are they?" 
 asked the banker. " If you make me cashier for one day, I'll become runner 
 the next," was the wit's reply. 
 
 GRAVITY AND LEVITY. 
 
 Capable of anything (says Phillips), Jeremiah Keller achieved nothing. 
 An independent spirit more than counteracted his superior powers. He was 
 ignorant of the mean and manifold arts by which blockheads distanced him. 
 At last, worn out by hope deferred, in an evil hour [he] sought refuge in 
 society. The bottle became a substitute for the brief; and all that remains 
 of talents sadly sacrificed are the random sallies which sprang from its inspira- 
 tion. Bitterly conscious must he have been, when, seeing Mayne — the dull 
 and solemn Mayne, who never earned a laugh — taking his seat upon the 
 bench — he was overheard muttering to himself, "What is Newton worth, 
 when there's Majme risen by his gravity, and here's Keller sunk by his 
 levity!" 
 
 CLAUSE AND CLAWS. 
 There was a luckless attorney in the city of Cork, who happened to have a 
 malformation of the hands. He and Keller differed at sessions on the con- 
 struction of an Act of Parliament Both were warm and pertinacious. At 
 length the attorney sent for the statute, and, spreading his unfortunate fingers 
 Over a section, exclaimed in triumph, * ' I knew I was right — the barrister's 
 beaten — here's the clause for you." "You are right for once," cried Jerry, 
 "they're a great deal liker claws than hands ! " 
 
 PRESERVES AND PICKLES. 
 There was a Sir Judkin Fitzgerald, who, being Sheriff of Tipperary, had, 
 it was said, during the Rebellion of 1798, practised great cruelties. Among 
 other things, he was reported to have dipped the cat-o'-nine-tails in brine 
 before a flogging ! By way of excuse to Keller, he boasted that, by his 
 firmness, he had "preserved the country." "No," said Jerry, "but you 
 pickled it. " 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 89 
 
 THE THING BORN. 
 Keller and some of his companions were one evening enjoying themselves 
 rather freely at the lodging of a friend with whom they had dined, when an 
 intimation was given them that the lady of the house had just been unex- 
 pectedly confined. The host considerately proposed an adjournment of the 
 sitting to an hotel opposite. *' Oh, certainly," said Keller, "^ro re natd." 
 
 DARING. 
 
 Judge Doherty possessed much ready wit, and a few of his hon mots (says 
 OTlannagan) are worth recording. At one of the viceregal balls a brother 
 judge, having imbibed somewhat too much of the juice of the grape, was not 
 very steady on his legs. Next morning the Chief- Justice was asked, *' Is it 
 
 true, Judge danced at the Castle ball last night?" "Well," replied 
 
 Doherty, *' I certainly can say I saw him in a reel." 
 
 THE WORST OF IT. 
 
 One rough March day the Chief-Justice was alighting from his carriage at 
 the entrance to the Four Courts, as his official came puffing and blowing, 
 from the effects of the gale. " You seem quite out of breath," said the Chief- 
 Justice, as he shook hands with his official. "Yes," replied the other, "as 
 I came along the quays the wind was cutting my face." "Upon my word," 
 gravely replied the Chief- Justice, " I think the wind had the worst of it." 
 
 NOT SINCE THEN. 
 Dr Thorpe, who married the Countess of Pomfret, told Harrison a story of 
 a young lady at a ball at the Castle in Dublin whose style of dress displayed 
 her charms with a liberality which attracted the attention of a gentleman, 
 who, turning to Chief- Justice Doherty, said, "Doherty, did you ever see 
 anything like that since you were born?" "I can't say since I was born," 
 said the judge ; "but certainly not since I was weaned." ^ 
 
 AN HONEST BOY. 
 A boy was charged before Chief-Baron O'Grady with a larceny of pantaloons. 
 The case being clearly proved, the prisoner received an excellent character for 
 honesty. The Chief-Baron's charge to the jury (says O'Flannagan) was pithy. 
 *' Gentlemen, the prisoner was an honest boy, but he stole the breeches." 
 
 1 This is told somewhat differently by J. C. Young. 
 
90 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 ONE FOR THE SHERIFF. 
 At the assizes in Tralee, great noise prevailing in the Court-house, 
 annoyed the Chief-Baron (O'Grady). The crier called "Silence!" in vain. 
 Observing the High Sheriff intently reading a book, instead of preserving due 
 decorum, the Chief-Baron called aloud — " Mr Sheriff, I tell you that if you 
 allow this noise to continue, you'll never be able to finish your novel in quiet." 
 
 WELL PHRASED. 
 A case being left to arbitration, the counsel named on each side were in no 
 great repute as lawyers, so the Chief-Baron (O'Grady) said : "You leave this 
 to two indiflferent lawyers, with liberty, if they disagree, to call in an odd one." 
 
 STICKY TURNIPS. 
 Mr Darby O'Grady, Chief Baron O'Grady's brother, caught a boy stealing 
 his turnips. The Chief-Baron, being in the neighbourhood, the despoiled 
 owner of the turnips asked his learned brother "if the boy could be prose- 
 cuted under the Timber Acts." "No," replied the Chief-Baron; then he 
 added, "unless, indeed, the turnips are sticky !" 
 
 LAYING TWO. 
 Some one in the presence of Jonathan Henn proposed the riddle, "Why 
 should the captain of a ship never be at a loss for an egg ?" The riddle was 
 a new one to all present, and Henn was the only person who solved it. 
 "Because he can always lay-to (lay two). He was asked, "How came you, 
 Jonathan, to guess that?" To which (says O'Flannagan) he promptly re- 
 plied, " Who had a better right to guess it than a Henn?" 
 
 A SITTING HEN. 
 Henn made many puns on his name. When late in life he was asked " If 
 he took much walking exercise ? " "I did formerly," he replied, "but now 
 I am chiefly a sitting hen." 
 
 DOMY-SILLY-AIRY. 
 Moore mentions Twiss as having quoted a joke of his own, saying, of the 
 man who remained so long swung from the dome of St Paul's, while taking a 
 panorama of London, ' ' It was a domy-silly-airy visit ; " a domiciliary visit. 
 
 ALL HEART. 
 According to Fanny Kemble, Horace Twiss was one of the readiest and 
 most amusing talkers in the world ; and when he began to make his way in 
 
ABOUT LAWYERS AND THE LAW. 9r 
 
 London society, which he eventually did very successfully, ill-natured per- 
 sons considered his first step in the right direction to have been a repartee 
 
 made in the crushroom of the opera, while standing close to Lady L , who 
 
 was waiting for her carriage. A man he was with saying, " Look at that fat 
 
 Lady L ; isn't she like a great white cabbage?" "Yes," answered 
 
 Horace, in a discreetly loud tone, "she is like one — all heart, I believe." 
 The white-heart cabbage turned affably to the rising barrister, begged him to 
 see her to her carriage, and gave him the entree of H[olland] House, 
 
 PLEASE DON'T. 
 Mr Jeafireson speaks of the pain endured by Lord Mansfield whenever a 
 barrister pronounced a Latin word with a false quantity. " My Lords," said 
 the Scotch advocate Crosby, at the bar of the House of Lords, " I have the 
 honour to appear before your lordships as counsel for the curators." *' Ugh," 
 groaned the Westminster-Oxford Lord, softening his reproof by an allusion 
 to his Scotch nationality, " Curators, Mr Crosby, curators : I wish our 
 countrymen would pay a little more attention to prosody." "My lord," re- 
 plied Mr Crosby, with delightful readiness and composure, " I can assure you 
 that our countrymen are very proud of your Lordship, as the greatest senator 
 and orator of the present age." The barrister who made Baron Alderson 
 shudder under his robes by applying for a ^^ nolle prosequV^ was not equally 
 quick at self defence, when that judge interposed : " Stop, sir — consider that 
 this is the last day of term, and don't make things unnecessarily long." 
 
 VERY TOUGH. 
 On one occasion. Lord Mansfield covered his retreat from an untenable 
 position with a sparkling pleasantry. An old witness named Elm having given 
 his evidence with remarkable clearness, although he was more than eighty 
 years of age, Lord Mansfield examined him as to his habitual mode of living, 
 and found he had been through life an early riser and a singularly temperate 
 man. "Aye," remarked the Chief- Justice, in a tone of approval, "I have 
 always found that without temperance and early habits longevity is never 
 attained. " The next witness, the elder brother of this model of temperance, 
 was then called, and he almost surpassed his brother as an intelligent and 
 clear-headed utterer of evidence. " I suppose," observed Lord Mansfield, 
 "that you also are an early riser ? " "No, my Lord," answered the veteran stoutly; 
 "I like my bed at all hours, and special-Zic I like it of a morning." " Ah ; 
 but, like your brother, you are a very temperate man ? " quickly asked the 
 judge, looking out anxiously for the safety of the more important part of hi» 
 theory. " My Lord," responded this ancient Elm, disdaining to plead guilty 
 
92 TREASUR Y OF MODERN ANECDO TE. 
 
 to a charge of habitual sobriety, *' I am a very old man, and my memory is 
 as clear as a bell, but I can't remember the night when I've gone to bed 
 without being more or less drunk." "Ah, my Lord," Mr Dunning exclaimed, 
 **this old man's case supports a theory upheld by many persons — that 
 habitual intemperance is favourable to longevity." "No, no," replied the 
 Chief- Justice, with a smile, "this old man and his brother merely teach us 
 what every carpenter knows — that Elm, whether it be wet or dry, is a very 
 tough wood. " iQ 
 
 THE JUDGE AND THE SAILOR. 
 
 Lord Mansfield was presiding at a trial consequent upon a collision of two 
 ships at sea, when a common sailor, whilst giving testimony, said: "At the 
 time I was standing abaft the binnacle;" whereupon his Lordship, with a 
 proper desire to master the facts of the case, observed, ' ' Stay, stay a minute, 
 witness : you say that at the time in question you were standing abaft the 
 binnacle; now tell me, where is 'abaft the binnacle ?' " This was too much 
 for the gravity of "the old salt," who, immediately before climbing into the 
 witness-box, had taken a copious draught of neat rum. Removing his eyes 
 from the bench, and turning round upon the crowded Court with an expression of 
 intense amusement, he exclaimed at the top of his voice, "He's a pretty 
 fellow for a judge ! Bless my jolly old eyes ! — [the reader may substitute a 
 familiar form of 'imprecation on eyesight'] — you have got a pretty sort of a 
 land lubber for a judge ! He wants me to tell him where abaft the binnacle 
 is !" Not less amused than the witness, Lord Mansfield rejoined, "Well, my 
 friend, you must fit me for my office by telling me where abaft the binnxicle is ; 
 you've already shown me the meaning of half seas over P' 
 
 THE SIDE OF MERCY. 
 Baron Alderson being asked by the chaplain of the High-Sheriff at the 
 assizes over which he was to preside, how long he would like him to preach, 
 replied, "About half-an-hour, with a leaning to mercy." This and the 
 following story are told by J. C. Young. 
 
 THE K-NAVY. 
 The late Bishop of Exeter and Baron Alderson were sitting next each other 
 at a public dinner. After the usual toasts had been drunk, the health of 
 ' ' The Navy " was proposed. Lord Campbell, expecting to have to return 
 thanks for "The Bar," and not having heard the toast distinctly, and sup- 
 posing the time for giving it had arrived, got up. On which (says J. C 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 93 
 
 Young) the late Bishop of Exeter wMspered to Baron Alderson, " What is 
 Campbell about? "What is he returning thanks for the navy for?" "Oh," 
 answered the witty judge, * ' he has made a mistake. He thinks the word is 
 spelt with a K." 
 
 FOR OUTWARD APPLICATION ONLY. 
 I was once (says W. H. Harrison) at an anniversary festival of the Literary 
 Fund, when a clumsy waiter upset a glass of champagne over me, and I sat 
 
 for some time in an unenviable state of sloppiness, to which Sir F. P ^ 
 
 who sat next to me, tried to reconcile me by saying, "Never mind, H ; it 
 
 has only been administered as a lotion instead of a draught." 
 
 AN EPISCOPAL BOA-CONSTRICTOR. 
 On another occasion (says the same authority) on which, at a public dinner, 
 
 a very distinguished writer was replied to by an eloquent prelate, ^ Sir F 
 
 said to me that the bishop reminded him of the dealing of a boa-constrictor 
 with a rabbit ; he first oiled his antagonist aU over, and then swallowed him 
 at a mouthful. 
 
 A HIGH POSITION. 
 
 Between sixty-five and seventy years from the present time, when Sir 
 Frederick Pollock was a boy in St Paul's School, he drew upon himself the 
 displeasure of Dr Roberts, the somewhat irascible head master of the school^ 
 who frankly told Sir Frederick's father, "Sir, you'll live to see that boy of 
 yours hanged." Years afterwards, when the boy of whom this dismal prophecy 
 was made had distinguished himself at Cambridge and the bar, Dr Roberts, 
 meeting Sir Frederick's mother in society, overwhelmed her with congratula- 
 tions upon her son's success, and fortunately oblivious of his former misunder- 
 standing with his former pupil, concluded his polite speeches by saying, " Ah, 
 madam ! I always said he'd fill an elevated situation." 
 
 FRESH AND STALE. 
 Jerdan says that when EUiston was in treaty to become lessee of Drury 
 Lane Theatre, he gave way to more than his usual excitement, and consulting 
 his legal adviser, Mr Fladgate, at all hours, in no very proper state, Fladgate 
 exclaimed to him, "Hang it, sir, there is no getting through any business 
 with you, who come to me fresh drunk every night, and stale drunk every 
 morning. " 
 
 1 Sir Frederick Pollock; &. 1783, d. 1870. 2 Probably the late Bishop Wilberforce. 
 
94 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 WHICH? 
 One of the best things attributed to Sir Christopher Hatton ^ is a pun. In a 
 case concerning the limits of certain land, the counsel on one side having re- 
 marked with explanatory emphasis, " We lie on this side, my lord," the Lord 
 Chancellor leaned backwards, and drily observed, ** If you lie on both sides, 
 which am I to believe ?" 
 
 A STANDING JEST. 
 
 They were wont (says Bacon) to call referring to the Master in Chancery 
 committing. My Lord Keeper Egerton, when he was Master of the Rolls, ^ was 
 wont to ask, " What the cause had done that it should be committed ? " ^ 
 
 BOTH HIS HANDS. 
 My Lord Chancellor Ellesmere, when he had read a petition which he dis- 
 liked, would say, " What, would you have my hand to this now? " And the 
 party answering " Yes," he would say farther, " Well, you shall; nay, you shall 
 have both my hands to it. " And so would (says Bacon), with both his hands, 
 tear it in pieces. 
 
 AN UPRIGHT JUDGE. 
 L'Estrange records that, when a stone was hurled by a convict from the 
 dock at Charles I. 's Chief- Justice Richardson, and passed just over the head 
 of the judge, who happened to be sitting at his ease and lolling on his elbow, 
 the learned man smiled, and observed to those who congratulated him on his 
 escape, " You see now, if I had been an upright judge, I had been slain." 
 
 A SMART RETORT. 
 Speaking of Lord Commissioner Maynard, Lord Campbell says : " From the 
 mouth of this dull blackletter lawyer came two of the most felicitous sayings 
 in the English language, envied by Congreve and Sheridan." For example : — 
 Jeffreys having once rudely taunted him with having grown so old as to forget 
 his law, " True, Sir George," replied he, "I have forgotten more law than you 
 ever learned." * 
 
 1 Lord Chancellor; d. 1591. See p. 94. 2 Afterwards Lord Ellesmere; d. 1617. 
 
 " " This, it seems," says Campbell, " was a standing equity jest." 
 4 And JeafFreson describes him as adding, " But allow me to say, I have not forgotten 
 much." 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 95 
 
 A CLEVER REPLY. 
 
 When the Prince of Orange first took up his quarters at "Whitehall, on 
 James's flight, different public bodies presented addresses to him, and Lord 
 Commissioner Maynard came at the end of the men of the gown. The Prince 
 took notice of his great age, and observed that he must have outlived all the 
 lawyers of his time. " If your Highness," said he, " had not come over to 
 our aid, I should have outlived the law itself."^ 
 
 HIS MAJESTY'S. 
 Cockburn tells some good stories of Lord Eskgrove.^ He says: — As usual 
 then with stronger heads than his, everything was connected by his terror 
 with republican horrors. I heard him, in condemning a tailor to death for 
 murdering a soldier by stabbing him, aggravate the offence thus — " And not 
 only did you murder him, whereby he was bereaved of his life, but you did 
 thrust, or push, or pierce, or project, or propel the lethal weapon through the 
 belly-band of his regimental breeches, which were his Majesty's ! " 
 
 UNSEASONABLE BRUTALITY. 
 Lord Eskgrove (says Cockburn) had to condemn two or three persons to 
 die who had broken into a house at Luss, and assaulted Sir James Colquhoun 
 and others, and robbed them of a large sum of money. He first, as was his 
 almost constant practice, explained the nature of the various crimes : assault, 
 robbery, and hame-suchen, of which last he gave the etymology ; and he then 
 reminded them that they attacked the house and the persons in it, and robbed 
 
 them, and then came to this climax — " All this you did, and, G preserve 
 
 us ! joost when they were sitten doon to their denner ! " 
 
 EXTREMELY. 
 A very common arrangement of Lord Eskgrove's logic to juries was this — 
 ' ' And so, gentlemen, having shown you that the pannelFs argument is utterly 
 impossibill, I shall now proceed for to show you that it is extremely improb- 
 abiU." 
 
 1 Sir John May wood; born in 1602, lived till 1690. 
 
 2 David Rae, Lord Eskgrove, succeeded Braxfield as head of the Scotch Criminal Court. 
 Cockburn describes him as " a very eonsiderablelawyer, in mere knowledge probably Brax- 
 field's superior ; but he had nothing of Braxfield's grasp or reasoning, and a more ludicrous 
 personage did not exist." 
 
96 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 TO WHOM DID HE ALLUDE ? 
 Lord Herniand ^ (says Cockbiirn) sometimes made little ceremony in dis- 
 daining the authority of an Act of Parliament, when he and it happened to 
 differ. He once got rid of one which Lord Meadowbank (the first), whom he 
 did not particularly like, was for enforcing, because the Legislature had made it 
 law, by saying, in his snorting, contemptuous way, and with an emphasis on 
 every syllable: " But there we're told that there's a statute against all this, A 
 statute ! What's a statute ? Words. Mere words ! And am I to be tied 
 down by words? No, my Lords; I go by the law of right reason^ Lord 
 Holland noticed this in the House of Peers as a strange speech for a judge. 
 Lord Gilkes could not resist the pleasure of reading Holland's remark to Her- 
 mand, who was generally too impetuous to remember his own words. He 
 entirely agreed with Lord Holland, and was indignant at the Court suffering 
 "from the rashness of fools." " Well, my Lord, but who could Lord Holland 
 be alluding to ? " ' 'Alluding to ? who can it be but that creatm-e Meadowbank?" 
 
 SOME COMFORT. 
 
 Cockburn writes to Lord Braxfield : ^ Almost the only story of him I ever 
 heard that had some fun in it without immodesty, was when a butler gave up 
 his place because his Lordship's wife was always scolding him. " Lord ! " he 
 exclaimed; " ye've little to complain o': ye may be thankfu' ye're no married 
 to her." 
 
 A MISTAKE. 
 Macaulay writes : Lord Aberdeen told us some droU stories of the old Scotcli 
 judges. Lord Braxfield, at whist, exclaimed to a lady with whom he was 
 
 playing: " What are ye doing, ye damned auld ;" and then recollecting 
 
 himself, *• Your pardon's begged, madam : I took ye for my ain wife." 
 
 FOR ONCE. 
 
 In a note to a passage in one of the Waverley Novels, Scott tells a story of 
 an old Scotch judge, who, as an enthusiastic chess-player, was much mortified 
 by the success of an ancient friend, who invariably beat him when they tried 
 their powers at the beloved game. After a time, the humiliated chess-player 
 
 1 Another Scotcli law lord, 
 
 2 Judge in the Scotch Court of Session. Cockbum describes him elsewhere as " The 
 giant of the bench." " In every matter depending on natural ability and practical sense, 
 he was very great. , , , Thousands of his sajrings have been preserved, and the staple 
 of them is indecency." 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 97 
 
 had his day of triumph. His conqueror happened to commit murder, and it 
 became the Judge's not altogether painful duty to pass upon him the sentence 
 of the law. Having in due form, and with suitable solemnity commended 
 his soul to the divine mercy, he, after a brief pause, assumed his ordinary 
 colloquial tone of voice, and nodding humorously to his old friend, observed 
 — "And noo, Jammie, I think ye'll aloo that I hae checkmated you for 
 ance." 
 
 METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING. 
 
 According to Mr Hayward, a quondam leader of the Western Circuit and 
 Vinerian Professor (Philip "Williams), in a law lecture at Oxford, spoke thus : 
 ** The student, launched on an ocean of law, skips like a squirrel from twig to 
 twig, vainly endeavouring to collect the scattered members of Hippolytus. " 
 
 NOT SO BAD AS THAT. 
 
 "Walking with Kane one day, we (says Phillips) met a mutual friend whose 
 coat was much torn near the breast. Kane at once cried out, '* Rents are 
 enormous." ""Well," replied the wearer of the coat, "you cannot say it is 
 rent in arrear" 
 
 HE DIDN'T DRINK THEM! 
 
 Sir Toby Butler, [Irish] Solicitor-General in 1689, was pledged "not to drink 
 a drop of liquor" until he made his argument in a case of vast, importance, 
 and acquitted himself so ably that bench and bar complimented him for his 
 able speech ; yet (says O'Flannagan) when the attorney expressed his convic- 
 tion the success was owing to abstemiousness: "Not so fast, my friend," 
 replied the jolly old toper, "perhaps it was the other way." ""Why, Sir 
 Toby," exclaimed the attorney, "surely you have not broken your pledge?" 
 "What was that ?" demanded Sir Toby. "You pledged your word you would 
 not drink a drop of liquor until you concluded your argument." "Nor have 
 I," answered the barrister, "1 did not drink a drop, but I soaked two fresh 
 penny loaves in two bottles of claret, and I ate them /" 
 
 ACCORDINGLY. 
 
 I remember (says O'Flannagan) the late George Bennett, Crown prosecutor 
 on the Munster Circuit, used sometimes to raise a laugh at a medical witness 
 in a case of death by his interrogation, "Well, doctor, you attended the 
 deceased?" "Yes." "And he died accordingly." 
 
 G 
 
98 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 GETTING SCARCE. 
 
 Lord Chancellor Norbury on one occasion addressed himself to Mr Garrat 
 O'Farrell, a jolly Irish barrister, who always carried a parcel of coarse national 
 humour about with him. Independent in mind and property, he generally 
 said whatever came uppermost. "Mr Garrat O'Farrell," said the Chancellor 
 solemnly, "I believe your name and family were very respectable and 
 numerous in county "Wicklow. I think I was introduced to several of them 
 during my late tour there." "Yes, my lord, said O'Farrell, "we were very 
 numeroiis ; but so many of us have been lately hanged for sheep-stealing, 
 that the name is getting rather scarce in that county. " 
 
 OBDURATE INDEED. 
 Egan, the Irish barrister, was never remarkable (says Barrington) for the 
 correctness of his English. In speaking to some motion that was pending, he 
 used the word obdurate frequently. I happened to laugh; Egan turned round, 
 and then addressing himself to the Chief-Baron, " I suppose, my lord," said he, 
 ironically, "the gentleman laughs at my happening to pronounce the word 
 obdurate wrong." *'No, my lord," replied I, "I only laughed because he 
 pronounced it right." I never heard him utter the word obdurate after- 
 wards. 
 
 QUID PRO QUO. 
 A very able barrister, named Collins, had the reputation of occasionally 
 involving his adversary in a legal net, and, by his superior subtlety, gaining 
 his cause. On appearing in Court in a case with the eminent barrister, Mr 
 Pigot, Q.C., there arose a question as to who should be leader, Mr Collins 
 being the senior in standing at the bar, Mr Pigot being one of the Queen's 
 Counsel. "I yield," said Mr Collins ; "my friend holds the honours. " "Faith 
 if he does, Stephen,"' observed Mr Herrick, "'tis you have all the tricks." 
 
 MUCH BETTER. 
 There is (says Phillips) a celebrated reply in circulation of Mr Dunning ^ to 
 a remark of Lord Mansfield, who curtly exclaimed at one of his legal positions, 
 "0, if that be law, Mr Dunning, I may burn my law books!" "Better 
 read them, my lord," was the sarcastic and appropriate rejoindpr. 
 
 WHAT A HAND! 
 
 When walking one day with a friend in Dublin, Burgh, the barrister, passed 
 the mansion of a nobleman whose family acquired notoriety by a propensity 
 
 1 Afterwards Lord Ashburton (1731-1783). 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W, 99 
 
 for taking the goods of others — in short, confounding meum and tuum. The 
 knocker on the hall door was a large iron hand. Burgh (says O'Flannagan) 
 at once uttered this impromptu :— ^ 
 
 " Could man Promethean fire command. 
 To warm with life that iron hand, 
 And touch it with a sense of feeling, 
 Lord ! what a hand 'twould be for stealing." 
 
 TRUMPET-TONGUED. 
 "I spoke to them trumpet-tongued," said Chief-Baron Wolfe to a friend, 
 after a fine speech to a Cork jury. "You did, I heard you; but it was a 
 penny trumpet, Stephen," replied Harry Cooper. 
 
 SO SELFISH ! 
 Lord Campbell tells how, at the opening period of his professional career, 
 soon after the publication of his '''Nisi Prius Reports," he, on circuit, success- 
 fully defended a prisoner charged with a criminal offence ; and how, Avhilst 
 the success of his advocacy was still quickening his pulses, he discovered that 
 his late client, with whom he had held a confidential conversation, had con- 
 trived to relieve him of his pocket-book, full of bank notes. As soon as the 
 presiding judge, Lord Chief-Baron Macdonald heard of the mishap of the re- 
 porting barrister, he exclaimed, " What ! Does Mr Campbell think that no 
 one is entitled to take notes in Court except himself ? " 
 
 DEAL, NOT LEAD. 
 
 One of the best " legal " puns on record is unanimously attributed by the 
 gossipers of Westminster Hall to Lord Chelmsford. As Sir Frederick Thesiger 
 he was engaged in the conduct of a case, and objected to the irregularity of 
 a learned sergeant, who, in examining his witnesses, repeatedly put leading 
 questions. "I have a right," maintained the sergeant, doggedly, "to deal 
 with my witnesses as I please." "To that I offer no objection," retorted Sir 
 Frederick. " You may deal as you like, but you shan't lead. " 
 
 ANYTHING. 
 Of the same brilliant conversationalist, Mr Grantley Berkeley has recorded a 
 good story. ^ Walking down St James's Street, Lord Chelmsford was accosted 
 by a stranger, who exclaimed, " Mr Birch, I believe." " If you believe that, 
 sir, you'll believe anything," replied the ex-Chancellor, as he passed on. 
 
 1 In My Life and EecolUctims. 
 
TOO TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 MAKING HIS LIVING. 
 
 Joseph Gillon was a Writer to the Signet. Calling on him one day in his 
 writing office, Sir "Walter Scott said, "Why, Joseph, this place is as hot as an 
 oven." "Well," quoth Gillon, "and isn't it here that I make my bread? 
 This story is told by Lockhart. 
 
 THE DIFFERENCE. 
 Barham records that when Judge Littledale took leave on his retirement. 
 Sir J. Campbell, the Attorney-General, addressed him in the name of the bar, 
 and both appeared to be much affected during his speech. In his account of 
 it at the Garrick, Murphy remarked that " Sir John cried a little dale and that 
 liittledale cried a great dale. " 
 
 POOR MR SMITH! 
 Mr Jeaffreson tells the story of the cruel answer given by a great lawyer to 
 a country attorney, who, through fussy anxiety for a client's interests, com- 
 mitted a grave breach of professional etiquette. Let this attorney be called 
 Mr Smith, and let it be known that Mr Smith, having come up to London 
 from a secluded district of a remote county, was present at a consultation of 
 counsellors learned in the law, upon his client's case. At this interview, the 
 leading counsel in the cause, the Attorney-General of the time, was present, 
 and delivered his final opinion with characteristic clearness and precision. 
 The consultation over, the county attorney retreated to the Hummons Hotel, 
 Covent Garden, and instead of sleeping over the statements made at the con- 
 ference, passed a wretched and wakeful night, harassed by distressing fears, 
 and agitated by a conviction that the Attorney -General had overlooked the 
 most important point of the case. Early next day, Mr Smith, without 
 appointment, was at the great counsellor's chambers, and by vehement 
 importunity, as well as a liberal donation to the clerk, succeeded in forcing his 
 way to the advocate's presence. "Well, Mis-ter Smith," observed the 
 Attorney- General to his visitor, turning away from one of his devilling 
 juniors, who chanced to be closeted with him at the moment of the intrusion, 
 "what may you want to say? Be quick, for I am pressed for time." Not- 
 withstanding the urgency of his engagements, he spoke with a slowness which, 
 no less than the suspicious rattle of his voice, indicated the fervour of dis- 
 pleasure. ' ' Sir Causticus Witherett, I trust you will excuse my troubling you ; 
 but, sir, after our yesterday's interview, I went to my hotel, the Hummons, 
 in Covent Garden, and I have spent the evening and all the night turning 
 over my client's case in my mind ; and the more I turn the matter over in ni}' 
 mind, the more reason I see to fear that you have not given one point due 
 
ABOUT LAWYERS AND THE LAW. loi 
 
 consideration. " A pause, during which Sir Causticus Witherett steadily eyed 
 his visitor, who began to feel strangely embarrassed under this searching 
 scrutiny; and then — " State the point, Mis-ter Smith, but be brief." Having 
 heard the point stated. Sir Causticus "Witherett inquired, "Is that all you 
 wish to say ?" "All, sir — all," replied Mr Smith; adding nervously, "and I 
 trust you will excuse me troubling you about the matter ; but, sir, I could not 
 sleep a wink last night ; all through the night I was turning the matter over 
 in my mind," A glimpse of silence. Sir Causticus rose, and, standing over 
 his victim, made this final speech: — "Mis-ter Smith, if you take my advice, 
 given with sincere commiseration for your state, you will without delay return 
 to the tranquil village in which you habitually reside. In the quietude of 
 your accustomed scenes you will have leisure to turn this matter over in what 
 you are 'pleased to call your mind, and I am willing to hope that your mind 
 will recover its usual serenity. Mr Smith, I wish you a very good morning." 
 
 EXTEEMELY UNPLEASANT. 
 The late Judge Williams (says W. H. Harrison) had once a clerk who, the 
 judge found on going to chambers one morning, had hanged himself behind 
 the door. The alleged cause of the act was domestic infelicity. It happened 
 that the clerk who succeeded the unfortunate man in his office asked leave to 
 go out of town on a matter of moment. " It is very inconvenient," said the 
 judge, "and, besides, you have been with me but a few weeks. Is your 
 business in the country of so very pressing a nature?" "Why, yes, my 
 lord," was the reply, "I am going to be married." "Oh, then," was the 
 rejoinder, "go by all means; but mind, when you come back, don't hang 
 yourself behind my door, because it is extremely unpleasant to come to 
 chambers and find persons hanging behfnd one's door," 
 
 AN UNELIGIBLE CONFESSOK. 
 When near his end Lord Northington was reminded of the propriety of his 
 receiving the consolations of religion, and he readily agreed that a divine 
 
 should be sent for, but when (says Campbell) the Right Rev. Dr , with 
 
 whom he had formerly been intimate, was proposed, he said, "No ! that won't 
 do. I cannot well confess to him, for the greatest sin I shall have to answer 
 for was making him a bishop ! " 
 
 ONE FOR THE JUDGE. 
 A story is told of Judge Fortescue- Aland (subsequently Lord Fortescue) and 
 a counsel. Sir John Fortescue- Aland was disfigured by a nose which was 
 purple, and hideously misshapen by morbid growth. Having checked a ready 
 
I02 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE, 
 
 counsel with the needlessly harsh observation, "Brother, brother, you are 
 handling the case in a very lame manner, " the angry advocate gave vent to 
 his annoyance by saying with a perfect appearance of sang-froid, "Pardon 
 me, my lord ; have patience with me, and I will do my best to make the case 
 as plain as — as — the nose on your lordship's face. " 
 
 IT DOTH REVIVE AGAIN. 
 Lord Campbell is said to have affected, and perhaps felt, a great contempt 
 for puisne judges, who, he maintained, when sitting in lanco always foUow^ed 
 tlie lead of their superior on the bench ; and he is said (remarks Harrison) to 
 have embodied this feeling in the following lines — 
 
 "A woman with a settlement « 
 
 Married a man with none ; 
 The question was — he being dead, 
 If that she had was gone ? 
 " Quoth Sir John Pratt, ' The settlement 
 Suspended did remain, 
 The husband living ; but, he dead. 
 It doth revive again.' 
 Chorus of Puisne Judges. 
 ' The husband living ; but, he dead. 
 It doth revive again.'" 
 
 TAKING STEPS. 
 In talking of Miss Gayton, the pretty little dancer, marrying Murray, a 
 clergyman, Joy (says Moore) applied two lines well, saying they might now, 
 in their different capacities, 
 
 "Teach men for heaven or money's sake. 
 What steps they were through life to take." 
 
 A CRUEL MIMIC. 
 
 Alike commendable for its subtlety and inoffensive humour, was the 
 pleasantry with which young Philip Yorke (afterwards Lord Hardwicke) 
 answered Sir Lyttleton Powys's banter on the Western Circuit. An amiable 
 and upright, but far from brilliant judge, Sir Lyttleton had a few pet phrases 
 — amongst them "I humbly conceive," and "Look, do you see," — which he 
 sprinkled over his judgments and colloquial talk wi+h ridiculous profuseness. 
 Surprised at Yorke's sudden rise into lucrative practice, this most gentleman- 
 like worthy was pleased to account for the unusual success by maintaining 
 that young Mr Yorke must have written a law book which had brought him 
 early into favour with the inferior branch of the profession. " Mr Yorke," 
 said the venerable justice, whilst the barristers were sitting over their wine 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 103 
 
 at a "judge's dinner," "I cannot well account for your having so much 
 business, considering the short time you have been at bar : I humbly conceive 
 you must have published something; for, look you, do you see, there is 
 scarcely a cause in Court but you are employed in it, on one side or the other. 
 I should therefore be glad to know, Mr Yorke, do you see, whether this be 
 the case." Playfully denying that he possessed any celebrity as a writer on 
 legal matters, Yorke, with an assumption of candour, admitted that he had 
 some thoughts of lightening the labours of law students by turning Coke 
 upon Littleton into verse. Indeed, he confessed he had already begun the 
 work of versification. Not seeing the nature of the reply, Sir Lyttleton 
 Powys treated the droll fancy as a serious project, and insisted that the 
 author should give a specimen of the style of his contemplated work. 
 Whereupon the young barrister — not pausing to remind a company of lawyers 
 of the words of the original : " Tenant in fee simple is he which hath lands or 
 tenements to hold to him and to his heirs for ever " — recited the lines — 
 
 "He that holdeth his lands in fee. 
 
 Need neither to quake nor to quiver, 
 I huvibly conceive : for look, do you see, 
 They are his and his heirs for ever." 
 
 The mimicry of the voice being not less perfect than the verbal imitation, 
 Yorke's hearers (says Jeaffreson) were convulsed with laughter. 
 
 THE MEMBER FOR BARKSHIRE. 
 Judge Haliburton was dining one day with the Leander Club at the Star 
 and Garter at Putney. It was a fine day in summer, and the window to- 
 wards the river immediately over the towpath was open. The Justice (says 
 Harrison) was returning thanks for the toast of his health ; and, being inter- 
 rupted by the loud barking of a dog, paused, and said that when the member 
 for BarJc-shire had finished his speech, he (the Justice) would finish his. 
 
 A NOLLE PBOSEQUL 
 According to Trevelyan, Macaulay told a story about one of the French 
 "prophets" of the seventeenth century, who came into the Court of Queens 
 Bench, and announced that the Holy Ghost had sent him to command Lord 
 Holt^ to enter a nolle prosequi. ** If," said Lord Holt, ** the Holy Ghost had 
 wanted a nolle prosequi he would have bade you apply to the Attorney- 
 General. The Holy Ghost knows that I cannot enter a nolle prosequi. But 
 there is one thing which I can do. I can lay a lying knave by the heels," 
 and thereupon he committed him to prison. 
 
 1 Lord Chief- Justice; h. 1642, d. 1709. 
 
I04 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 A EETORT COURTEOUS. 
 In an action brought to recover damages done to a carriage, a learned 
 counsel repeatedly called tlie vehicle in question a broug-ham, pronouncing 
 both syllables of the word brougham. Whereupon Lord Campbell, with con- 
 siderable pomposity, observed, '^ Broom is the more usual, pronunciation; a 
 carriage of the description you mean is generally and not incorrectly called a 
 hroom; that pronunciation is open to no grave objection, and it has the 
 great advantage of saving the time consumed by uttering an extra syllable. ' 
 Half-an-hour later in the same trial Lord Campbell, alluding to a decision 
 given in a similar action, said, ** In that case the carriage which had sustained 
 injury was an omnibus — " "Pardon me, my lord," interposed the Queen's 
 counsel, with such promptitude that his lordship was startled into silence, 
 **a carriage of the kind to which you draw attention is usually termed a 
 * 'buss ; ' that pronunciation is open to no grave objection, and it has the great 
 advantage of saving the time consumed by uttering two extra syllables. " The 
 interruption was followed by a roar of laughter, in which Lord Campbell 
 joined more heartily than any one else. 
 
 VERY TIRED, TOO. 
 OTlannagan writes of Holmes, the Irish barrister : — He made us laugh very 
 much one day in the Queen's Bench. I was waiting for some case in which I 
 was counsel, when the crier called "Pluck and Diggers," and in came James 
 Scott, Q.C., very red and heated, and, throwing his bag on the table within 
 the bar, he said, " My lords, I beg to assure your lordships I feel so exhausted 
 I am quite unable to argue this case. I have been speaking for three hours 
 in the Court of Exchequer, and I am quite tired ; and pray excuse me, my 
 lords, I must get some refreshment." The Chief- Justice bowed, and said, 
 "Certainly, Mr Scott." So that gentleman left the Court. "Mr Holmes, 
 you are in this case," said the Chief- Justice ; " we'll be happy to hear you." 
 "Really, my lord, I am very tired too," said Mr Holmes. "Surely," said 
 the Chief-Justice, ' * you have not been speaking for three hours in the Court 
 of Exchequer ? What has tired you ? " " Listening to Mr Scott," was Holmes' 
 sarcastic reply. 
 
 JOINING THE ARMY. 
 
 Some bon mots of Phil. O'Connell are preserved. A friend of his was en- 
 gaged to be married to the third daughter of Dr Foot. At this time the 
 friend was expecting a commission in the line. The late Judge Berwick asked 
 Phil. O'ConneU, "Is it true our friend is joining the army?" "Quite true, 
 judge," replied Phil. " He is attached to the 3d Foot." 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 105 
 
 HE WANTED ELEVEN. 
 
 Curran used to tell a story of poor Lord Avonmore, who was at that time 
 the plain, untitled, struggling Barry Yelverton. "I wish, mother," said 
 Barry, "I had eleven shirts." ^^ Eleven, Barry! why eleven V^ "Because, 
 mother, I am of opinion that a gentleman, to be comfortable, ought to have 
 the dozen. " 
 
 AN ELOQUENT REPLY. 
 Lord Avonmore (says O'Flannagan) was frequently lost in reverie, and 
 quite oblivious of what was passing around him. Both he and Curran were 
 at a dinner-party, and Curran, who sat next to the Chief-Baron, observing 
 him quite abstracted when the toast — "Our Absent Friends" — was drunk, 
 nudged him. "My lord," he said, " our host has just proposed your health, 
 which has been received in very cordial terms ; surely you will respond." 
 "Thank you, Curran, really I was not aware of it," replied the Chief- Baron ; 
 and up he got, and, to the surprise of many and the amusement of more, 
 made an eloquent speech in reply to a toast which was not given. 
 
 IF HE CHOSE. 
 Phillips says that had Goold, the barrister, been contented with the world's 
 estimate of him as he really was, all would have admitted him to be an 
 eminent man. But he sharpened censure, and excited ridicule, by aspiring to 
 be wliat no man ever was — in every art, trade, science, profession, accom- 
 plishment, and pursuit under the sun, a ne plus ultra. The pitch to which 
 he carried this foible was incredible. Expatiating one day on the risk he 
 ran from a sudden rise of the tide when riding on the North Strand, near 
 Dublin, he assured his hearer, "had he not been the very best horseman in 
 existence, he must inevitably have been drowned : in short, never was human 
 being in such danger." "My dear Tom," his friend replied, "there was one 
 undoubtedly in still greater, for a poor man was actually drowned there on 
 that morning." "By heaven! sir," bellowed Goold, "I might have been 
 drowned if I chose." 
 
 A DISTINGUISHED PATRIOT. 
 
 Shiel, though a very epigrammatic speaker, was not (says O'Flannagan) 
 remarkable for witty sayings. One of the best I have heard was in reference 
 to a gentleman connected with trade. During O'Connell's agitation several 
 of the distilleries and breweries in Ireland vied with each othor for popular 
 favour, and either the proprietors themselves, or persons in their employment, 
 attended public meetings, and made eloquent speeches in support of the 
 
io6 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 people's rights. It was often, as the late General Barry observed, "froth at 
 top and beer at the bottom." "While a gentleman in the great distillery 
 establishment of Sir John Power, of Dublin, was haranguing a Catholic 
 meeting, some one asked Shiel "Who is this?" "Oh," replied Shiel, "he 
 is a patriot to a distillery." 
 
 A SQUINTING JUDGE. 
 
 The unfortunate obliquity of Sir John Trevor's vision is perceptible (says 
 Lord Campbell) ill the portraits and prints we have of him, and made the 
 wags assert that * ' Justice was blind, but at the Rolls Equity was now seen to 
 squint. " 
 
 THE SAME. 
 While Sir John Trevor was in the chair, as Speaker, two members in 
 different parts of the House were often equally confident (says Campbell) of 
 having " caught his eye." 
 
 A LEGAL JOKE. 
 When, some years ago, the practice of having daily prayers in our churches 
 was still a novelty. Sir George Eose's ^ own clergyman called upon him and 
 asked him his opinion as to its adoption. Sir George replied, " I see no objec- 
 tion whatever, but I hope that in mv own particular case service at the Jioiise 
 will he deemed good service.''^ ^ 
 
 ANOTHER. 
 
 When a singularly matter-of-fact gentleman had related a story in which 
 the listeners had failed after all their efforts to discover the faintest spark of 
 humour, Sir George accounted for the circumstance at once. "Don't you 
 see ?" he said; "he has tried ajolce, but reserved the point /" 
 
 A THIRD. 
 
 The late Sir John Rolt, meeting Sir George Rose one day in the later years 
 of his life, remarked to him, " I am very glad. Sir George, to see you looking'so 
 ^v«^ll ; you do not look a day older than when you used to come among us. " 
 
 Sir Goorge pointed to his hair, and said, "this d d poll may not disclose 
 
 the fact J but " (opening his mouth, and pointing to a certain gap in his front 
 
 1 The distinguished lawyer and scholar. 
 
 *^ Macmillan's M\^azine, vol. xxix., from which we extract most of the following anecdotes 
 of Sir George. 
 
ABOUT LAWYERS AND THE LAW. 107 
 
 teeth) ^^this indenture witnesseth.^^ It may be added (says our authority) for 
 the instruction of the laity, that a deed poll was a kind of deed properly dis- 
 tinguished from an indenture. 
 
 CENTURY AND SENTRY. 
 Sir George Rose's doctor assuring him that he would live to be a hundred, 
 he promptly replied, "Then I suppose my coffin may be called a 'cent'iy 
 box.'" 
 
 BY HONOURS. 
 When Sir George Rose was appointed one of the four judges of the now 
 extinct Court of Review, he came to Lincoln's Inn with his colleagues to be 
 sworn in. Some friend congratulating him on his access of dignity, he 
 observed, "Yes ! here we are, you bqq^out hy honours T* 
 
 THE FIRST ON RECORD. 
 
 In some case that was being heard before Sir George Rose, it appeared that 
 
 a picture of "Elijah fed by the Ravens" had been given as part of some 
 
 security. He handed down a note to one of the counsel in the case : " This 
 
 is, so far as I am aware, the first instance on record of an accommodation hill. " 
 
 HIS RIGHT EYE. 
 A friend meeting Sir George Rose one day in Lincoln's Inn Fields, with his 
 left eye greatly swollen and inflamed, remonstrated with him, adding that 
 he was surprised Lady Rose should have let him go out of doors in such a 
 condition. "Ah!" replied Sir George, "I am out jure mariti" (my right 
 eye). 
 
 NOT A GOOD LIVING. 
 Dining, on one occasion, with the late Lord Langdale, his host was speak- 
 ing of the very diminutive church in Langdale, of which his lordship was 
 patron. "It is not bigger," said Lord Langdale, "than this dining-room.". 
 "No," returned Sir George, ''and the living not half so good." 
 
 A POSY AND A POSER. 
 On one occasion, when a new sergeant had been created, and it became his 
 duty, according to custom, to present rings to the judges, inscribed with the 
 usual brief "posy" in Latin, Sir George Rose indicated his appreciation of 
 the then existing company of sergeants by suggesting for the motto in ques- 
 tion, "Scilicet" (silly set). 
 
io8 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 THAT WAS ALL. 
 When Sir George Eose was dining one day with some friends, the out-door 
 servants had been enlisted into the service of the dining-room; and it chanced 
 that one of them, in carrying out a tray of glass, as he left the room stumbled 
 and fell with a heavy crash. " What is that ?" exclaimed Sir George's next- 
 door neighbour, in great alarm. "Oh, nothing," he replied; "only the 
 coachman gone out with his break.'' 
 
 VERY DIFFERENT. 
 Sir George Rose was at a funeral on a bitterly cold day in winter, and his 
 companion in a mourning coach called his attention to the poor men in scarves, 
 and bearing staves, who were trudging along by the side of the carriage. 
 "Poor fellows!" said his companion, "they look as if they were frozen!" 
 * ' Frozen ! " returned Sir George; ' ' my dear friend, they are mutes, not liquids.'^ 
 
 GONE TO GRAVES' END. 
 As a companion to the above " improvement" of a funeral, may be quoted 
 Sir George Rose's remark on an acquaintance who had died of dropsy — "He 
 has gone to Gravesend by water." 
 
 A CHARMING PAIR. 
 Sir George Rose, being introduced one day to two charming young ladies, 
 whose names were Mary and Louisa, instantly added, with a bow, " Ah, yes ! 
 Marie-Louise — sweetest pear I know " — a compliment almost worthy of being 
 coupled with that most beautiful one of Sydney Smith, suggested by the sweet 
 pea.^ 
 
 TEMPLE AND MITRE. 
 A report having originated that Archdeacon Robinson, Master of the Temple, 
 was to be elevated to the episcopal bench, Sir George Rose said, "Well, if he 
 must leave the Temple, I hope it will be by Mitre Court." 
 
 THE SACRED WAY. 
 On another occasion, when Sir George met his old friend the Archdeacon, 
 walking, apparently deep in thought, in the neighbourhood of the Temple, he 
 inquired playfully, "Well, Master, and what are you dreaming about?" 
 " Oh," said the Archdeacon, quoting the first lines of the familiar satire of 
 Horace, "I was oieseio quid meditans nugarum." "But then, with you, 
 dear friend," was the singularly felicitous reply, "it is always in the Via 
 Sacra." 
 
 1 See page 7. 
 
ABOUT LA WYERS AND THE LA W. 109 
 
 AT THE BOTTOM. 
 
 It was James Smith, of Rejected Addresses celebrity, himself an attorney, 
 whose cruel reflection on his own calling provoked a famous retort from Sir 
 George Rose. James Smith had written thus — or "to this defect," for ther& 
 is more than one version of the lines : — 
 
 " In Craven Street, Strand, ten attorneys are found; 
 And down at the bottom the barges abound. 
 Flyj Honesty, fly, to some safer retreat ; 
 For there's craft in the river, and craft in the street ! " 
 
 To which Sir George replied, impromptu: — 
 
 Why should Honesty fly to some safer retreat ? 
 
 From barges and lawyers, 'od rot 'em? 
 The lawyers are jwsi at the top of the street. 
 
 And the barges are just at the bottom." 
 
 I DOUBT. 
 
 The same originator of happy sayings pointed (says Jeaffreson) to Eldon's. 
 characteristic weakness in the lines:— 
 
 " Mr Leach made a speech. 
 
 Pithy, clear, and strong ; 
 Mr Hart, on the other part. 
 
 Was prosy, duU, and long ; 
 Mr Parker made that darker 
 
 Which was dark enough without ; 
 Mr Bell spoke so well. 
 
 That the Chancellor said, * I doubt.' "1 
 
 Far from being offended by this allusion to his notorious mental infirmity,. 
 Lord Eldon, shortly after the verses had floated into circulation, concluded 
 one of his decisions by saying, with a significant smile, "And here the Chan- 
 cellor does not doubt. " 
 
 1 Another version runs: — 
 
 " Mr Leach made a speech, 
 Angry, neat, and wrong ; 
 Mr Hart, on the other part. 
 
 Was right, but dull and long ; 
 Mr Parker made that darker 
 
 Which was dark enough without ; 
 Mr Cook quoted his book. 
 And the Chancellor said, ' I doubt.' " 
 These lines were written, at the request of a law reporter, as the summary of speeches mad* 
 in a case before Lord Eldon. 
 
I lo TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 'BUS AND BUSS. 
 
 At a legal dinner given at Greenwich many years ago, the late Mr Justice 
 Barley, who was in the chair, informed the assembled guests, when the de- 
 canter had begun to circulate after dinner, that as it was most important to 
 ensure the safety of so eminent a company as that present, he had ordered a 
 handsome and roomy omnibus, which would be at the door at ten o'clock, to 
 convey them back to town. Sir George at once rose, and said: — 
 
 " The Grecian of old bade his comrades entwine 
 The myrtle of Venus with Bacchus's vine; 
 Which our excellent chainnan interpreteth thus— 
 Begin with a bumper, and end with a bus(s)." 
 
 BEAMS AND BEAMES. 
 
 "When Mr Beames, the reporter, defended himself against the friction of 
 passing barristers by a wooden bar, the flimsiness of which was pointed out to 
 Sir George (then Mr Rose), the wit replied — 
 
 " Yes, the partition is certainly thin, 
 Yet thick enough, truly, the Beames within." 
 
 NOT UPSET. 
 Lord William Lennox records what he calls an admirable saying of one of 
 the wittiest men of our age, perhaps of any age, who, when Sir John Paul's 
 bank stopped payment, was met coming out of it by a friend. ''So Sir John 
 has failed?" said the friend. '*Yes," replied the lawyer, "and I've been 
 victimised." "Really!" continued the other, "the news must have quite 
 upset you." *' Not at all ; I was not upset, although I lost my balance." 
 
 A HAPPY REBUKE. 
 
 There is one great drawback to the lovers of music, which is the introduc- 
 tion of stalls, where the majority congregate, not to listen to the opera, but 
 to their own insipid conversation. Never (says Lord William Lennox) was 
 there a happier rebuke than that made by a popular member of the legal pro- 
 fession to a gentleman who kept up a running fire of small talk with his 
 neighbour. "Sir," said he, "what an impudent fellow that Rubini must be!" 
 "Really," responded the other, "I was not aware of that." "Were you 
 not? Why, the fellow has the impudence to spoil your conversation by his 
 singing." 
 
ABOUT LAWYERS AND THE LAW. 
 
 THE ONLY ONE LEFT. 
 Lord William Lennox tells the following story of tlie late Earl of Carlisle, 
 one of the most popular noblemen that ever ruled over Ireland, and whose 
 good-nature was proverbial. A returned convict, who had been exemplary in 
 his conduct during the time he was undergoing his punishment for a robbery 
 of plate, applied to the noble lord, who was at that period Viceroy of Ireland, 
 to take him back into his Lordship's service. Lord Carlisle hesitated, but 
 afterwards determined to give the reformed culprit a chance, and communi- 
 cated his intention to a gentleman well known about the Irish Court, and 
 upon whom the mantle of the witty Lord Norbury seemed to have fallen. 
 *' Take him back ?" said the friend ; " if yon do, I think you will be the only 
 spoon left in the Castle." 
 
 HE AND HIS NAME. 
 A friend of Jerdan's once said to him : — I was one day in Gray's Inn Hall, 
 where, in vacation, the Court of Exchequer sat in Equity, and Chief-Baron 
 Richards was hearing causes in one corner, the rest of the hall occupied by 
 loungers and waiters on the cause-paper. An attorney came to me, and, point- 
 ing to Chief-Baron Richards, said : "Pray, sir, is that Baron Wood ?" ''■Yes, 
 sir," I said, "but his name is Richards." 
 
 A BUTTRESS OF THE CHURCH. 
 
 On one occasion (says Lord Campbell) when Lord Eldon's merits were dis- 
 cussed among some lawyers, a warm partisan of the Chancellor extolled him 
 as "a pillar of the Church." "No," retorted another, "he may be one of its 
 buttresses, but certainly not one of its pillars, for he is never seen inside its 
 walls. " 
 
 A BAD JUDGE, 
 ^lark Boyd says : — I recollect a humorous M. P. pointing out to me a 
 retired "West India judge not very remarkable for sagacity on the bench. 
 There was a ball at Government House, and the judge began to criticise the 
 waltzing of a witty member of the West India bar. "Ah, my friend, you are 
 a bad waltzer ! " " Ah, but you are a bad judge. " 
 
 CROWN AND HALF-CROWN. 
 
 A friend told Mr O'Flannagan the following anecdote of the Masters in 
 Chancery, Thomas Goold and Isaac Burke Bethel, an old member of the bar, 
 who was ever ready to accept any meals he could get, or take any fee that 
 
1 1 2 TREASUR V OF MODERN ANECDO TE. 
 
 was offered. On one occasion, when engaged in a prosecution, he said very 
 pompously, "I appear for the Crown, my lord." "Oftener for the Tmlf- 
 crown," whispered a wit, who knew Burke Bethel's line of practice. 
 
 NOR SO GREEN. 
 Soon after Canning's statue was put up in Palace Yard, in all its verdant 
 freshness — the carbonate of copper was not yet blackened by the smoke of 
 London — Justice Gazelee (better known as Starelee, who tried the case of 
 Bardell v. Pickwick) was walking away from Westminster Hall with Cur- 
 wood, v/lien the judge, looking at the statue (the size of which is heroic, if 
 not colossal), said : "I don't think that is very like Canning ; he was not so 
 large a man." "No, my Lord," said Curwood, "nor so green." This story 
 was told to Jerdan by a friend. 
 
 HE WAS MISSING. 
 An eminent judge used to say that, in his opinion, the very best thing ever 
 said by a witness to a counsel was the reply given to Missing, the barrister, at 
 the time leader of his circuit. He was defending a prisoner charged with 
 stealing a donkey. The prosecutor had left the animal tied up to a gate, and 
 when he returned it was gone. Missing (says Boyd) was very severe in his 
 examination of the witness. " Do you mean to say, witness, the donkey was 
 stolen from that gate ? " ''I mean to say, sir," giving the judge, and then 
 the jury, a sly look, at the same time pointing to the counsel, "the ass was 
 Missing !" 
 
 A DISTINCTION. 
 Moore relates that it was said of Lords Eldon and Leach, that 
 Oyer sans terminer, and the other Terminer sans oyer." 
 
 AN ERUPTION. 
 LuttreU told once, in Moore's hearing, of a good phrase of an attorney's in 
 speaking of a reconciliation that had taken place between two persons whom 
 he wished to set by the ears : "I am sorry to tell you, sir, that a compromise 
 has broken out between the parties." 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS, 113 
 
 About Men of Letters. 
 
 UN ANGLAIS TIMIDE. 
 
 THE poet Bowles,^ it is well known, was a timid — a painfully timid person. 
 [On one occasion], Bowood (Lord Lansdowne's place) was full of guests, 
 and Moore, Rogers, and Milman being among the number, Mr and Mrs 
 Bowles were invited to meet them. Bowles (says J. C. Young) was no sooner 
 dressed, than, on entering the drawing-room, he walked up to Lady Lans- 
 downe and made some complaint or other to her, which caused her at once to 
 leave the room. He forthwith followed her. In a few minutes they both 
 returned. As Lady Lansdowne passed me, she said, "Bless the dear man, 
 there is no pleasing him. " I did not know to what she alluded, until Bowles 
 came up to me with a face of blank dismay, and asked me if I were going to 
 sleep there. On my telling him that I was not, he exclaimed, "I wish I 
 were going home too. I shan't sleep a wink here. I was shown into a bed- 
 room to dress in, in which I was intended to pass the night ; but it was on 
 the ground floor, where there was nothing whatever to prevent thieves from 
 getting in and cutting my throat ! I remonstrated with Lady Lansdowne, 
 and the dear lady, by way of rendering me easier in my mind, has transferred 
 me to a room so high, that, in case of fire, I shall be burnt to a cinder before 
 I caji be rescued ! " 
 
 A "NASTY OLD CLERGYMAN." 
 Many are the stories told of Bowles' nervousness. Here is another, related 
 also by J. C. Young : — Bowles was invited by the late excellent Dr Law, 
 Bishop of Bath and Wells, to stay at Banwell. As usual, the first thing he 
 did when he went to his room to dress for dinner was to inspect his quarters, 
 and see if he could detect any assailable point from which danger might be 
 expected. He crept about suspiciously, looked to the fastenings of the win- 
 dows, tested the working of the door-locks, peeped into the closets, and then 
 into a small adjoining dressing-room, in which there was a tent-bed, unmade. 
 From that fact, and the absence of wash-stand, towel-horse, &c. , &c. he con- 
 
 1 William Lisle Bowles (1762-1850), whose sonnets were once popular, and are said to 
 have inspired Coleridge. 
 
 H 
 
1 14 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 eluded it was to be unoccupied. Out of this dressing-room (if I remember 
 rightly what I was told by one of the Bishop's sons) there was a door of outlet 
 to a back stair. The idea of sleeping alone in a room so exposed to nocturnal 
 assault on two sides so appalled poor Bowles, that, when a maid-servant 
 brought him up his hot water, he took her by the hand, and told her that, if 
 she would consent to occupy the vacant bed in the adjoining room, he would 
 give her a sovereign. Conceiving that he meant to insult her, she bounced 
 out of the room, and told the Bishop that he must get somebody else to wait 
 on the nasty old clergyman who had just come, as he had made improper 
 advances to her. The Bishop insisted on knowing what he had said; and on 
 hearing his ipsissima verba, told her that she had quite misconceived him, for 
 all that he wanted was the protection of some one within ready call. "I 
 wish," he added, "that you and the under-housemaid would oblige me by 
 taking up your quarters together in the room next to my timid guest. You 
 can place the bed against the door ; and as it opens in on your side, you will 
 be safe from any intrusion on his part, if you are silly enough to fear it; and I 
 shall have the satisfaction of knowing that if my friend should be taken ill in 
 the night he will have some one near him. " It so happened that the Bishop 
 forgot to tell Bowles of the considerate arrangement made for him ; so that, 
 on retiring at night to his chamber, still believing the dressing-room to be 
 empty, he locked, not only the door by which he entered his own room, but 
 that of the smaller room. In the middle of the night he fancied he heard 
 footsteps in the direction of the back stairs. It then occurred to him that he 
 had neglected to lock the outer door of the little room, which communicated 
 with them. He jumped out of bed to rectify his oversight, and unlocked the 
 door of the dressing-room. On trying to push it open, he felt a powerful re- 
 sisting body opposed to him (viz., the maids' bed), and as he pushed he dis- 
 tinctly heard whisperings. This at once coniirmed him in his conviction that 
 tliere were thieves in the house. He ran back to the other door, bawling out 
 "Murder! thieves!" with such stentorian energy, that the Bishop and all 
 his family were roused out of their beds (not frightened, for the Laws are all 
 remarkably fearless) ; and it was long before their visitor could be reconciled 
 to his position, and induced to go again to bed. 
 
 ONE AND ONE MAKE TWO. 
 Yet another anecdote of Bowles from the same source: — He went once to dine 
 and sleep at the Kev. William Money's, at Whetham. Mrs Bowles' toilet was 
 soon made: she was in the drawing-room as soon as Mrs Money herself; but 
 ^Ir Bowles p.ot having come down when the dinner-bell rang, his wife re- 
 ( [nested they would not wait for her husband, but go at once into dinner. 
 Soup and fish had been served, when a servant tapped at the door with a 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 1 1 5 
 
 message, desiring Mrs Bowles to step up to her husband, as she was wanted. 
 On going to him, she found him in a state of boiling indignation, with no 
 trousers on, with one leg in a black silk stocking, and the other bare. "Here, 
 madam," he cried out, "has that idiot of a maid of yours put me up only- 
 one silk stocking for my two legs : the consequence is, I can't go downstairs 
 to dinner, or have any dinner at all, unless some is sent up to me here." 
 "Oh, my dear," said his amiable wife, "you need not stand on much cere- 
 mony with such old friends as the Moneys. Put on again the stockings which 
 you have taken off, and come down in them. I will explain matters to the 
 company." He took the hint, and was in the act of peeling off the black silk 
 stocking from his leg, when he discovered that he had put the two on the 
 same leg, utterly unconscious of what he had done. 
 
 "MAN WANTS," &c. 
 
 Moore writes in his Diary: — Dined at Joy's chambers in the Temple. 
 Company : Bowles, Con-y, Locke, and a General Brackenbury. Joy's dandy 
 dinner of mutton chops, brought in one by one, " like angels' visits, few and 
 far between," highly amusing, except that we were all in a state of starvation. 
 "Joy," says Bowles, in a sort of reverie, "I want — I want — " "What do 
 you want, my dear Bowles?" " D — n it, I want something to eat." 
 
 WHAT'S IN A NAME? 
 
 Mark Boyd tells the following about Thomas CampbelP: — The poet was 
 dining with my brother and myself, when a witty and humorous friend, whose 
 hospitality in the neighbourhood of Harrow for many years is still remembered 
 by a large circle of friends, was of the party, and drew out the Bard of Hope 
 very successfully. The poet had just returned from Algiers, and was full to 
 overflow with anecdotes connected with his residence in Northern Africa. He 
 gave us a most animated description, which did not suffer in illustration from 
 his having imbibed a bottle and a-half of claret. " Oh," said the poet, " I 
 can never forget my visit to the desert ; oh, dear me, no ! An impression was 
 made on my mind there that can never be erased. Yes, it is quite true ; her 
 image is before me now — one of Nature's gentlewomen. Oh, that poor and 
 exquisitely beautiful Arab girl ! it grieves me to the heart to think what will 
 be her fate. The chisel of Canova never produced anything to bear a com- 
 parison with that angelic young Arab. " His pathos had now reached a serious 
 point, as the tears trickled down his cheeks ; but he so far rallied as to be 
 able to tell us, that if he had ever intended to marry a second time, that Arab 
 
 1 Bom 1777, died 1844. 
 
1 16 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 girl should have been his wife. On hearing this, we reminded him that there 
 were always two interested in a marriage-contract, and that possibly, on his 
 popping the question to this captivating and enchanting girl of the desert, she 
 might have replied in the words of the Shunamite woman: "''I dwell among 
 my own people." " That is quite true," said the poet; " and it might have 
 been the answer." Our friend— the same who plotted and carried out the 
 Waterloo Bridge "trot out" — took up the question, and, addressing the poet, 
 said, "Supposing you had married this lovely maiden of the desert, what 
 would you have called your eldest son?" ' " How can I answer such a ques- 
 tion ? But, on second thoughts, I daresay," looking round the table, "it is 
 something good — I really do not know what I should have called him." 
 " Well, I shall tell you what, in my opinion, you should have called the boy 
 — ' Sandy Campbell. ' " "Ah," said Campbell, " good, very good. You will 
 be the death of me. In the meantime, here's to you in a bumper of claret." 
 
 HE HAD ONE MERIT. 
 
 At a literary dinner (says Trevelyan) Campbell asked leave to propose a 
 toast, and gave the health of Napoleon Bonaparte. The war was at its height, 
 and the very mention of Napoleon's name, except in conjunction with some 
 uncomplimentary epithet, was in most circles regarded as an outrage. A storm 
 of groans broke out, and Campbell with difficulty could get a few sentences 
 heard. "Gentlemen," he said, "you must not mistake me. I admit that 
 the French emperor is a tyrant. I admit that he is a monster. I admit that 
 he is the sworn foe of our own nation, and, if you will, of the human race. 
 But, gentlemen, we must be just to our great enemy. We must not forget 
 that he once, shot a bookseller." The guests, of whom two out of every three 
 lived by their pens, burst into a roar of laughter, and Campbell sat down in 
 triumph. 
 
 HER LOVELY OFFSPRING! 
 One day (says Jerdan) Campbell was so smitten by a beautiful child in St 
 James's Park, that he put an advertisement in the newspaper to discover its 
 residence, the result of which was excessively ludicrous. For some wags of 
 the Hook & Co. clique, aware of the circumstances, answered the appeal, and, 
 not knowing what address to give, took the last name in the Directory, a 
 
 Z , No. — Sloane Street. Thither Campbell hurried the next forenoon in 
 
 full dress, and was shown up to the drawing-room, where he found a middle- 
 aged lady waiting to learn his errand. It was not long in being explained, 
 
 and the indignant Miss Z , on being asked to bring in her lovely offspring 
 
 to gratify the longings of the poet, rushed to the bell, and rang violently for 
 her servant to show the insolent stranger to the door ! 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 117 
 
 A BAD LISTENER. 
 Says Moore in his Diary : — Shee told me a hon mot of Rogers's the other 
 day. On somebody remarking that Payne Knight had got very deaf, " It is 
 from want of practice," says R. ; Knight being a very bad listener. 
 
 HIS THEOFFY. 
 Moore speaks of some Indicrons verses as being quoted at a certain dinner; 
 among others, the following by Rogers, on "Theophilus:" — 
 
 " When I'm drinking my tea 
 
 I think of my The, 
 
 When I'm drinking my coffee 
 
 I think of my Ojfee/ 
 So, whether I'm drinking my tea or my coffee, 
 I'm always a thinking of thee, my Theoffy." 
 
 NOT SAFE. 
 
 Speaking (says L'Estrange) of Moore's taste for biography, and the number 
 of memoirs he had composed, Rogers one day cynically observed, " Why, it 
 is not safe to die while Moore's alive !" ^ 
 
 QUITE UNIVERSAL. 
 
 Lord Lansdowne (says the same authority) once spoke to Rogers in con- 
 gratulatory terms about the marriage of a common friend. " I do not think 
 it so desirable," observed Rogers. "No!" replied Lord Lansdowne; "why 
 not ? His friends approve of it ! " " Happy man ! " returned Rogers, " to 
 satisfy all the world. His friends are pleased, and his enemies are delighted !" 
 
 QUITE THE REVERSE. 
 Lady Chatterton says that Lady Davy one day said to Rogers, " Oh, Mr 
 Rogers, I hear that you have been abusing me to people." He replied, "I! 
 my dear Lady Davy? On the contrary, I pass my life in defending you."^ 
 
 HARD ON THE POET. 
 Barry Cornwall writes : — I never heard Rogers volunteer an opinion about 
 Campbell, except after his death, when he had been to see the poet's statue. 
 " It is the first time," said he, "that I have seen him stand straight for many 
 years. " 
 
 1 Moore wrote biographies of Sheridan, Byron, and Lord Edward Fitzgerald. 
 
 2 According to Mr Hayward, what Lady Davy said was—" Now, Mr Rogers, I am sure you 
 are talking about me." To which Rogers replied, " I pass my life in defending you." 
 
ii8 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE, 
 
 ALL FOR HERSELF. 
 One day (says Hayward), while Rogers was on bad terms with Ward [Lord 
 Dudley], Lady D[avy] said to him, *' Have you seen Ward lately?" *' What 
 Ward ?" ** Why, our AVard, of course." *' Our Ward ! — you may keep him 
 all to yourself. " 1 
 
 AT BATH! 
 
 Rogers tells this story of himself : — ^A man stopped me one day in Picca- 
 dilly, and said, "How do you do, Mr Rogers?" I didn't know him. "You 
 don't remember me, Mr Rogers ? I had the pleasure of seeing you at Bath." 
 I said, " Delighted to see you again — at Bath. " - 
 
 NOT CONTENT. 
 ** Is that the contents you are looking at?" inquired (says Mr Hayward) an 
 anxious author, who saw Rogers's eye fixed on a table or list at the commence- 
 ment of a presentation copy of a new work. "No," said Rogers, pointing to 
 the list of subscribers, " the c^tscontents." 
 
 WELL DONE. 
 Rogers (says the same authority) was known to have spoken highly of the 
 picture (by Landseer) of a Newfoundland dog, entitled, ''Portrait of a Dis- 
 tinguished Member of the Humane Society." On Landseer expressing his 
 gi-atification, Rogers said: "Yes, I thought the ring of the dog's collar well 
 painted." 
 
 TOO BAD A BARGAIN. 
 When a late member for a western county and his wife were stopped by ban- 
 ditti in Italy, Rogers used to say, " The banditti wanted to carry off P 
 
 into the mountains ; but she flung her arms round his neck, and, rather than 
 take her with them, they let him go." 
 
 HE NEVER LIKED WALKING ALONE. 
 One evening, when, leaning on the arm of a friend, Rogers was about to 
 walk home from an evening party, a pretentious gentleman made a desperate 
 
 1 It was Ward, according to Mr Hayward, who, alluding to Kogers's cadaverous counten- 
 ance, once asked him why he did not set up a hearse, now that he could afford it. It was 
 the same sympathising companion who, when Rogers repeated the couplet — 
 " The robin, with his furtive glance, 
 Comes and looks up at me askance," 
 struck in with, " If it had been a carrion crow, he would have looked you full in the face." 
 - This is told of Selwyn. See p. 42. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 119 
 
 attempt to fasten on them, and prefaced the meditated intrusion by saying 
 that he never liked walking alone. **I should have thought, sir," said 
 Rogers, "that no one was so well satisfied with your company as yourself." 
 
 CONVINCED OF THAT. 
 
 One summer day, at a dinner party at Holland House, the guests — among 
 whom were Sir Philip Francis, suspected of the authorship of the letters signed 
 "Junius," and Rogers — were, previous to the dinner bell, sauntering in the 
 open conservatory and terrace below; and on one of the promenades the Junius 
 secret became the subject of conversation, and Lord H[olland] suggested to 
 the bold banker [Rogers] that it would be an excellent opportunity to put the 
 interrogatories flatly to the suspected man. But (says Jerdan) Francis hap- 
 pened to overhear the plot, and in a few minutes after, as Rogers was sidling 
 towards him, he threw himself into an attitude of open defiance, and ex- 
 claimed, " By heaven, sir ! if you dare to ask me any questions, regardless of 
 where we are, I will fell you to the earth ! " The little poet quickly enough 
 shrank back appalled ; but when playfully asked after dinner (in the absence 
 of Francis) if he had discovered the author, replied, *' I cannot say whether 01 
 not Francis is Junius, but he has quite convinced me he is Brutus ! " 
 
 BETTER THAN NOTHING. 
 
 At an evening party many years since at Lady Jersey's, everyone (says 
 
 Gronow) was praising the Duke of B , who had just come in, and who 
 
 had lately attained his majority. There was a perfect chorus of admiration, 
 to this effect : " Everything is in his favour ; he has good looks, considerable 
 abilities, and a hundred thousand a-year." Rogers, who had been carefully 
 examining the "young ruler," listened to these encomiums for some time in 
 silence, and at last remarked, with an air of great exultation, and in his most 
 venomous manner, *• Thank God, he has got bad teeth ! " 
 
 HIS STORY AND MY STORY. 
 
 At a large dinner-party at Jerdan's, one of the guests (says Planche) in- 
 dulged in some wonderful accounts of his shooting. The number of birds he 
 had kiUed, and the distance at which he had brought them down, were extra- 
 ordinary. Hood ^ quietly remarked — 
 
 " What he hit is histoiy. 
 What he missed is mystery." ^ 
 
 1 The poet; 5. 1798, d. 1845. a gge Moore's Diary. 
 
I20 TREASUR V OF MODERN ANECDO TE. 
 
 AN OLD PROVERB. 
 At the same house (says Planche) on another occasion, when Power the 
 actor was present, Hood was asked to propose his health. After enumerating 
 the various talents that popular comedian possessed, he requested the com- 
 pany to observe that such a combination was a remarkable illustration of the 
 old proverb, " It never rains but it Powers." 
 
 "A PENNYWORTH OF BREAD," Etc. 
 In his last illness, reduced as he was to a skeleton. Hood noticed a very 
 large mustard poultice which Mrs Hood was making for him, and exclaimed, 
 "0 Mary! Mary! — that will be a great deal of mustard to a very little 
 meat !" 
 
 DISAGREEABLE. 
 Shortly before his death, being visited by a clergyman whose features as 
 well as language were more lugubrious than consoling. Hood looked up at 
 him compassionately, and said, "My dear sir! I'm afraid your religion 
 doesn't agree with you. " 
 
 FILLED UP. 
 
 When the water broke into the Thames tunnel, during the progress of the 
 work. Hood said to Planchfe, ' ' They've been labouring at that affair for a 
 long time, and now tlie Thames has filled up their leisure. " On Planche 
 repeating this to Charles Kemble, he said, " Well, Planche, I can't see any- 
 thing in that so — " laughable, he would have added ; but he began to laugh 
 before he could finish the sentence. 
 
 "FNANEALED." 
 [Lord] Byron ^ (says Lord W. Lennox) was so jealous of Miss O'Neil's repu- 
 tation interfering with that of his favourite Edmund Kean, that in order to 
 guard himself against the risk of becoming a convert, he refused to go and 
 see her act. Tom Moore endeavoured sometimes to persuade him into wit- 
 nessing at least one of her performances, but his answer was, "No, I'm 
 resolved to continue un-0'NeiUd." 
 
 HOW TO TURN HIM. 
 Crabb Robinson records the following about Byron : — At Finch's, he re- 
 peated a retort uttered in his (Finch's) house by Lord Byron. Ward ^ had 
 been a Whig, and became ministerial. " I wonder what could make me turn 
 
 1 Born 1788, died 1824. 2 Afterwards Lord Dudley. See pp. 27-31. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 121 
 
 Whig again," said Ward. "That I can tell you," said Byron. "They have 
 only to re- Ward, you." 
 
 AN IMPROMPTU. 
 J. C. Young writes in his Diary : — The only instance I can recall in which 
 [Coleridge^] said anything calculated to elicit a smile, during the two or three 
 weeks I was with him, was when he, Wordsworth, and I were floating down 
 the Rhine together in a boat we had hired conjointly. The day was remark- 
 ably sultry ; we had all three taken a considerable walk before our dinner, 
 and what with fatigue, heat, and the exhaustion consequent on garrulity, 
 Coleridge complained grievously of thirst. When he heard there was no 
 house near at hand, and saw a leathern flask slung over my shoulder, he 
 asked me what it contained. On my telling him it was Hochheimer, he 
 shook his head, and swore he would as soon take vinegar. After a while, 
 however, finding his thirst increasing, he exclaimed, "I find I must — con- 
 quering dislike — eat humble pie, and beg for a draught. " He had no sooner 
 rinsed his mouth with the obnoxious fluid, than he spat it out, and vented 
 his disgust in the following impromptu : — 
 
 " In S])ain, that land of monks and apes. 
 The thing called wine doth come from grapes; 
 But, on the noble river Rhine, 
 The thing called grijpes doth come from wine." 
 
 *'A SORRY bringing-up:' 
 
 A writer in Macmillan's Magazine records a curiously-unfeeling remark 
 made by Coleridge to a sea-sick schoolmaster, with whom he was making the 
 trip to Margate in the ante-steamboat days by the old Margate Hoy. Cole- 
 ridge watched his friend's eff'orts over the side, and at length said, "Why, 
 Robinson, I didn't expect this from you ; I thought you brought up nothing 
 but young gentlemen !" 
 
 A BIBLICAL TOAST. 
 
 Allen (writes Moore) told me some anecdotes of Burns [the poet] :^ his say- 
 ing at some public dinner, during the feverish times of Jacobinism, ©n being 
 asked for a toast, ** I'll give you a Bible toast : the last verse of the last chapter 
 of the last Book of Kings." ^ 
 « 
 
 1 Samuel Taylor Coleridge, the poet; 6. 1772, d. 1824. 2 Born 1759, died 1796. 
 
 3 2 Kings XXV. 30 : "And his allowance was a continual allowance given him of the king, 
 a daily rate for every day, all the days of his life." The meaning of Mr Allen evidently was 
 that Bums wished to see an end of kings ; but it is curious that this last verse should be 
 suscdptible of a totally different interpretation.— ^ari Russell. 
 
122 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE, 
 
 A HIGH TORY TOAST. 
 
 On another occasion (says Moore), having to give a toast before some high 
 Tories, Burns said to the chairman, " You agree that lords should have their 
 privileges ? " "Yes, certainly." " Well, then, I'll give you the privileges of 
 the Lords of the Creation." 
 
 ROAKE OR VARTY? 
 
 As an example of the playfulness of Leigh Hunt's ^ fancy, take (says Planche) 
 the following : — I was on my way to the theatre one morning with Charles 
 Mathews, [sen.], in his carriage. We had not spoken for some minutes, 
 when, as we were passing a wholesale stationer's at the west end of the Strand, 
 Mathews, in his whimsical way, suddenly said to me, "Which would you 
 rather be? Roake or Yarty?" — such being the names painted over the shop 
 windows. I laughed at the absurdity of the question, and declined hazard- 
 ing an opinion, as I had not the advantage of knowing either of the persons 
 mentioned. On my return home in the evening, I found Hunt at tea with 
 my family, and told him the ridiculous question that had been put to me. 
 "Now, do you know," he said, "I consider that anything but a ridiculous 
 question. I should say it was an exceedingly serious one, and which might 
 have very alarming, nay fatal, consequences under certain mental or physical 
 conditions. You might have been impressed by the notion that it was abso- 
 lutely necessary for you to come to some decision on the question, and so 
 absorbed in its consideration that you could think of nothing else. All 
 business, public or private, would be neglected. Perpetually pondering on 
 one problem, which daily became more difficult of solution, would result in 
 monomania. Your health undermined, your brain overwrought, in the last 
 moments of fleeting existence, only a few seconds left you in which to make 
 your selection, you might rashly utter 'Roake!' Then, suddenly repenting, 
 gasp out ' Yar,' and die before you could say 'ty.' " 
 
 A FILLIP. 
 
 Croly^ (says W. H. Harrison) said very smart things, and with surprising 
 readiness. I was at his table one day when one of the guests inquired the 
 name of a pyramidal dish of barley. "Sugar," some one replied. "A pyra- 
 mid d MacedoiTie." "For what use?" rejoined the other. "To give a Philip 
 to the appetite," said Croly. 
 
 1 The poet and prose writer; &. 1784, d. 1859. 
 
 2 The Rev. George Croly, author of Fride, shall have a Fall, &c.; 6. 1780, d. 1860. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 123 
 
 VERY MISLEADING. 
 Croly (says the same authority) once asked me if I had read a certain book. 
 I said, ''Yes, I had reviewed it." " What !" he exclaimed, " do you read the 
 hooks you review?" "Yes," I replied, "as a rule, I do." "That's wrong," 
 replied the Doctor; "it creates a prejudice." ^ 
 
 LUMINOUS V. VOLUMINOUS. 
 Rogers relates that during Hastings' trial, Sheridan, ^^ having observed 
 Gibbon among the audience, took occasion to mention " the luminous author 
 of The Decline and Fall" After he had finished, one of his friends reproached 
 him with flattering Gibbon. " Why, what did I say of him ? " asked Sheridan. 
 " You called him the luminous author," &c. " Luminous ! Oh, I meant — 
 voluminous. " 
 
 OPERATIONS. 
 Rogers also tells us that during Sheridan's last illness, the medical atten- 
 dants, apprehending that they would be obliged to perform an operation on 
 him, asked him "if he had ever undergone one." "Never," replied Sheridan, 
 '* except when sitting for my picture, or having my hair cut. " 
 
 A WITTY TOAST. 
 When the Duke of York was obliged to retreat before the French, Sheridan 
 (says Rogers) gave as a toast — "The Duke of York and his brave followers." 
 
 NO JOKE. 
 Moore notes in his Diary : — Sheridan's answer to Lord Lauderdale excellent. 
 On the latter saying he would repeat some good thing I had mentioned to 
 him: " Pray don't, my dear Lauderdale ; a joke in your mouth is no laughing 
 matter." 
 
 A SPEAKING SILENCE. 
 Another note from Moore's Diary : — Adair told to-day of Sheridan's saying, 
 " By the silence that prevails, I conclude Lauderdale has been cutting a joke." 
 
 NON SATIS. 
 Moore writes elsewhere : — [Charles] Sheridan told me that his father, being 
 a good deal plagued by an old maiden relation of his always going out to 
 walk with him, said one day that the weather was bad and rainy ; to which 
 
 1 This saying is attributed to Sydney Smith by Lady Holland. 
 
 2 The dramatist and orator; &. 1751, d. 1816. 
 
1 24 TREASUR Y OF MODERN ANECDO TE. 
 
 the old lady answered, that, on the contrary, it had cleared up. "Yes," said 
 Sheridan, "it has cleared up enough for one, but not for two."" 
 
 WHY NOT ? 
 The Rev. Ozias Linley^ records how some one expressed surprise that 
 Sheridan, a proprietor of Drury Lane, should have been seen taking tea and 
 muflEins in a coffee-house while the theatre was in flames. "And why not?" 
 asked Sheridan ; "is it not allowable to toast a muffin at one's own fire ?" 
 
 PROFITS V. WORTH. 
 " I'll stake the profits of my last book on that point," said " Monk" Lewis* 
 at the close of a warm discussion. "No," answered Sheridan, "I can't afford 
 so much, but I am ready to bet the worth of it." 
 
 AN UNGRATEFUL FELLOW. 
 Cumberland, 3 jealous of Sheridan's reputation as a dramatist, said he went 
 to hear the " School for Scandal," but could not conceive what it was the world 
 was laughing at. " Did he not laugh ?" says Sheridan. " No." " Well, then, 
 that was very ungrateful in Mr Cumberland, for / laughed at his last tragedy 
 till I was ready to split my sides." 
 
 ALL TO NO PURPOSE. 
 
 Says Jerdan in his Recollections : — When Thomas Sheridan was in a ner- 
 vous debilitated condition, and dining with his father at Peter Moore's, the 
 servant, in passing by the fireplace, knocked down the plate-warmer, and made 
 such a clatter as caused the invalid to start and tremble. Moore, provoked by 
 the accident, rebuked the man, and added, " I suppose you have broken all 
 the plates?" "No, sir," said the servant, "not one!" *'Not one!" ex- 
 claimed Sheridan; "then, d — n it, you have made all this noise for nothing !" 
 
 DRIPPING. 
 
 Jerdan also says that when Coleridge's tragedy of "Remorse" was first 
 produced, Sheridan had his jest upon the cavern scene, where the percolating 
 of the water is described. "Drip, drip, drip," said the satirist j "nothing but 
 dripping." 
 
 1 In Archdeacon's Sinclair's Old Times and Distant Places. 
 
 2 Author of The Monk, The Bravo of Venice, &c. ; 6. 1775, d. 1818. 
 
 " Richard Cumberland, author of The West Indian, and other plays ; &. 1732, d. 1811. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 125 
 
 "TO LET— UNFURNISHED." 
 
 Lady Chatterton writes in her Diary : — We had a pleasant dinner at Captain 
 Blackwood's [now Lord Dufferin]. His charming wife told me some amusing 
 stories about her family [the Sheridans]. Her father, Tom Sheridan, re- 
 proached his father [the dramatist] one day for being a party man. "What 
 do you get for it ?" said he ; "for my part, I think I shall put a ticket on my 
 head, *To let.'" "Do so, my dear boy," said his father, "only, add 'unfur- 
 nished.' " 
 
 THE "ANGRY SCHOOLBOY." 
 
 Although (says Mark Boyd) Mr Pitt rarely lost his temper, it is said that 
 on one occasion he was seriously angry with Sheridan, whom he told to his 
 face that he would be much better occupied at home correcting his plays. 
 "Probably I should," said Richard Brinsley, "and the first I shall endeavour 
 to correct will be the 'Angry Schoolboy.' " 
 
 A HAPPY RETORT. 
 
 I was much amused one evening (says Archdeacon Sinclair) with the graphic 
 account [Dr Chalmers] gave me of what he saw and heard, when, as a young 
 man, he stood among the mob in front of the hustings at Covent Garden, to 
 hear ShericTan badgered as candidate for Westminster. "His readiness in 
 reply," said the Doctor, "was marvellous." An ugly fellow, raised on the 
 shoulders of the mob, addressed him: "Mr Sheridan, unless you mend your 
 ways, I shall withdraw my countenance from you." " I am glad to hear it," 
 said Sheridan, "for an uglier countenance I never saw." ^ 
 
 RATHER! 
 
 Sir Ralph Payne (says Sir Nathaniel Wraxall) was reported not always to 
 treat his wife with kindness. Sheridan, calling on her one morning, found 
 her in tears, which she placed, however, to the account of her monkey, who 
 had expired only an hour or two before, and for whose loss she expressed deep 
 regret. "Pray write me an epitaph for him," added she: "his name was 
 Ned." Sheridan instantly penned these lines : — 
 
 "Alas! poor Ned, 
 My monkey, is dead ! 
 I had rather by half 
 It had been Sir Ralph." 
 
 1 This is also told of Charles Yorke and a member of the University of Cambridge. 
 
126 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 HOW DID HE LOSE HER ? 
 At the time when Bath was a fashionable place during the winter, it was 
 frequented (says Raikes) by many gamblers, and there was constant high-play 
 at the rooms. Amongst these was a Major Brereton, who had obtained great 
 celebrity by his constant devotion to the passion. Sheridan, who had often 
 seen him here, meeting him again after a long absence, said to him, "How 
 are you, major ? how have you been going on of late ?" ** I have had a great 
 misfortune," replied the major, "since we met; I have lost Mrs Brereton." 
 "Aye,' said the wit, " how did you lose her, at hazard or at quinze ?" 
 
 HIS CHIEF SOURCE OF PRIDE. 
 George IV. (says Raikes) was not only a man of refined manners and classical 
 taste, but he was endowed by nature with a very good understanding ; stiU 
 there is no doubt that for several years before his death, whether from early 
 indulgence in luxury, or from a malady inherent in his family, his mind 
 would occasionally wander, and many anecdotes have been current of the un- 
 fortunate impressions under wliich he laboured. After the glorious termina- 
 tion of the long Continental War in 1815, by the battle of Waterloo, it would 
 not perhaps be unpardonable vanity in him to have thought that the English 
 nation had mainly contributed to this great event ; but he certainly at times 
 in conversation arrogated to himself, personally, the glory of subduing 
 Napoleon's power, and giving peace to the world. It was upon one of these 
 assumptions being reported to the sarcastic Sheridan, that he archly remarked, 
 "That is all well enough, but what he particularly piques himself upon is 
 the last productive harvest." 
 
 AN EXCELLENT MEMORY. 
 Blanche teUs the following anecdote about Sheridan Knowles, the dramatist.^ 
 He says : — ^Walking one day with a brother dramatist, Mr Bayle Bernard, in 
 Regent's Quadrant, Knowles was accosted by a gentleman in these terms : — 
 "You're a pretty fellow, Knowles! After fixing your own d*ay and hour to 
 dine with us, you never make your appearance, and from that time to this 
 not a word have we heard from you ! " "I couldn't help it, upon my honour," 
 replied Knowles ; ' ' and I've been so busy ever since, I haven't had- a moment 
 to write or call. How are you all at home ? " "Oh, quite well, thank you; 
 but come now, will you name another day, and keep your word?" "I will 
 — sure I will." "Well, what day? Shall we say Thursday next?" 
 "Thursday? Yes, by all means — Thursday belt." "At six?" "At six. 
 I'll be there punctually. My love to 'em all. " " Thank ye. Remember, now. 
 
 1 Born 17S4, died 1S62. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 127 
 
 8ix, next Thursday." "All right, my dear fellow; I'll be with you." The 
 friend departed ; and Knowles, relinking his arm in that of Bayle Bernard, 
 said, " Who's that chap ? " — not having the least idea of the name or residence 
 of the man he had promised to dine with on the following Thursday, or the 
 interesting "family at home," to whom he had sent his love. 
 
 "MOST UNPARDONABLE." 
 Upon one occasion when Sheridan Knowles was acting in the country, he 
 received (says Planche) an anxious letter from Mrs Knowles, informing him 
 that the money — £200 — which he had promised to send up on a certain day 
 had never reached her. Knowles immediately wrote a furious letter to Sir 
 Francis Freeling, at that time at the head of the Post Office, beginning, 
 "Sir," and informing him that on such a day, at such an hour, he himself 
 put a letter into the Post Office at such a place, containing the sum of £200 
 in bank-notes, and that it had never been delivered to Mrs Knowles ; that it 
 was a most unpardonable piece of negligence, if not worse, of the Post Office 
 authorities, and that he demanded an immediate inquiry into the matter, the 
 delivery of the money to his wife, and an apology for the anxiety and trouble 
 its detention had caused them. By return of post he received a most cour- 
 teous letter from Sir Francis, saying that he was perfectly correct in stating 
 
 that on such a day and at such an hour he posted a letter at , containing 
 
 bank-notes to the amount of £200 ; but that, unfortunately, he had omitted 
 not only his signature inside, but the address outside, having actually sealed 
 up the notes in an envelope containing the words, "I send you the money," 
 and posted it without a direction ! The consequence was that it was opened 
 at the chief ofl&ce in London, and detained tiU some inquiry was made 
 about it. 
 
 STILL UNDECIDED. 
 One day, also in the country, Sheridan Knowles said to Abbot, with whom 
 he had been acting there, " My dear fellow, I'm off to-morrow. Can I take 
 any letters for you?" "You're very kind," answered Abbot; "but where 
 are you going to ? " "I haven't made up my mind." 
 
 HIS NAMESAKE. 
 On another occasion, seeing 0. Smith, the popular melodramatic actor, on 
 the opposite side of the Strand, Sheridan Knowles rushed across the road, 
 seized him by the hand, and inquired eagerly after his health. Smith, who 
 only knew him by sight, said, " I think, Mr Knowles, you are mistaken ; I 
 am 0. Smith !" " My dear fellow," cried Knowles, " I beg you ten thousand 
 pardons — I took you for your namesake, T. P. Cooke ! " 
 
128 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 PERHAPS! 
 
 Planch^ relates of Poole, the dramatist,^ that, dining one day where the 
 host became exceedingly excited and angry at not being able to find any 
 stuffing in a roasted leg of pork, Poole quietly suggested, "Perhaps it is in 
 
 tlic other leg." 
 
 A CITY KNIGHT. 
 
 Dining in Poole's company, on another occasion, the conversation (says 
 Planche) turned on the comedy of " The School for Scandal." A city knight 
 who was present inquired, ' ' Who wrote ' The School for Scandal ' ? " Poole, 
 with the greatest sang-froid, and a glance of infinite contempt, replied, 
 
 "Miss Chambers, the banker's daughter," "Ah, indeed," said Sir J ; 
 
 "clever girl ! very clever girl! " Almost immediately afterwards, Poole said, 
 
 "Pray, Sir J , are you a knight bachelor or a knight errant?" "Well, 
 
 now — I really can't say — I don't think I ever was asked that question. I'll 
 make it a point to inquire," It was as good as a play to watch Poole's 
 countenance, but I confess (says Planche) his audacity made me shiver. 
 
 AN ANTI-CLIMAX. 
 
 At the dinner which followed a state procession of Her Majesty in London 
 (1837), one of the guests (says Barham), moved by enthusiasm and loyalty, 
 to say nothing of champagne, rose to propose the health of the Queen, "We 
 have heard to-day," he commenced, "many hurrahs" — "Yes," interrupted 
 Poole, "and we have seen to-day many hussars!^' 
 
 PRIEST AND CLERKS. 
 
 The following capital pun has been very generally attributed to James Smith : 
 — An actor named Priest was playing at one of the principal theatres. Some 
 one remarked at the Garrick Club that there were a great many men in the 
 pit, " Probably clerks who have taken Priest's orders." The pun (says Mr 
 Hay ward) is perfect; but the real proprietor is Mr Poole, one of the best pun- 
 sters as well as one of the cleverest comic writers of the day. 
 
 ON HIMSELF. 
 
 Dear, good-tempered, clever, generous, eccentric, Sam Beazley! He died 
 (writes Planche) in Tonbridge Castle, where he resided for the few last years 
 
 1 Best known, perhaps, as the author of a travestie of Hamlet. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 129 
 
 of his life, having a professional appointment in connection with the South- 
 Eastern Railway.^ Many years before, he wrote his own epitaph : 
 " Here lies Samuel Beazley, 
 Who lived hard, and died easily." 
 
 HIS ULTIMATUM. 
 
 Alas ! (continues Planche) the latter declaration was not prophetic. Beazley 
 suffered considerably a short time before his decease,^ and his usual spirits 
 occasionally forsaking him, he one day wrote so melancholy a letter, that the 
 friend to whom it was addressed, observed, in his reply, that it was "Like 
 the first chapter of Jeremiah." " You are mistaken, my dear fellow," retorted 
 the wit; " it is the last chapter of Samuel." 
 
 GLEAMS OF WIT. 
 Beazley's pleasant sayings would fill a volume. The wit was not, perhaps, 
 particularly pungent, but it was always playful. Building a staircase for Sir 
 Henry Meux, he called it making a new " Gradus ad Parnassum," because it 
 was steps for the muses. And when the question arose how the title of 
 Herold's charming opera, " Le Pre aux Clercs," should be rendered into Eng- 
 lish, he quietly suggested " Parson's Green." 
 
 WITH ALL HIS HEART. 
 
 Colman^ (says Macready) was put into a state of extreme perturbation once 
 on the occasion of a very indifferent player, who was the hero of a private 
 theatre in the Tottenham Court Road, appearing as Mortimer at the Hay- 
 market Theatre. On tenterhooks during the whole play, when in the last 
 scene Falkner, the representative of Mortimer, exclaimed in his delirium, 
 " AVhere is my honour now ? " Colman could not restrain himself, but called 
 out, " I wish your honour was in Tottenham Court Road again with all my 
 heart ! " 
 
 UNKIND. 
 
 Jerdan relates that as George Colman was walking up the Haymarket one 
 day, with his handkerchief hanging out of his pocket, a good-natured fellow 
 gave him the hint, ''You'll lose your handkerchief, sir." " Not," retorted 
 George, " if you'll pass on." 
 
 1 He was architect as well as playwright. 2 Ue died in 1851. 
 
 3 The dramatist; h. 1762, d. 1836. 
 
 I 
 
I30 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 KEEP IT! 
 The bitter dispute between Colman and his brother-in-law and partner was 
 wont (says the same authority) to explode in violent altercations. In one of 
 these Mr Morris accused him of ** taking away his name;" and the following 
 dialogue ensued: — G. ** How did I take away your name ? " M. " By villifying 
 me with other odious epithets." C. "What ? " M. " You called me a scoun- 
 drel, sir." (7., with a forced grin, " Keep your name ! " 
 
 WHY, INDEED? 
 Planche says of Richard Peake, the dramatist,^ that his humour consisted 
 in a grotesc[ue combination of ideas. As, for example : — Calling with him 
 one summer day on a mutual friend, the fireplace in the drawing-room was 
 found to be ornamented with a mass of long slips of white paper falling over 
 the bright bars of the stove. Peake's first question was — " What do you keep 
 your maccaroni in the grate for ? " 
 
 A USEFUL NIGGER. 
 At a party at Beazley's, the latter^s black servant entered to make up the 
 fire. Peake whispered to Planche — " Beazley's nigger has been scratching 
 his head, and got a scuttle of coals out." 
 
 DANGEROUS EXPOSURE ! 
 
 According to Moore, Kenny ^ said that Anthony Pasquin (who was a very 
 dirty fellow) " died of a cold caught by washing his face." 
 
 WHAT, NEVER? 
 There was a good story told of Frank Talfourd, a worthy son of a most 
 worthy sire,^ which proves liis readiness at repartee. One day in winter, snow 
 on the ground, thermometer below freezing point, young Talfourd was met by 
 a friend in Russell Square, who thus accosted him : " Why, I see you never 
 wear {were) a great-coat ? " "I never was," he quaintly replied. 
 
 1 Author of Amateurs and Action, A Hundred Pound Note, and other farces and dramas. 
 He was also for along time treasurer of the Lyceum Theatre. " He was not," says Planche, 
 "a wit in the true sense of the term, hut there was some good fun in a few of his farces." 
 
 2 The dramatist; d. 1849. 
 
 * His father was Sergeant Talfoui-d, the author of " Ion," and the biographer of Lamb. 
 Frank himself was a writer of light pieces for the stage; some of his burlesques were admir- 
 able. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 131 
 
 AN ANTICIPATION FULFILLED. 
 The best anecdote of Dr Johnson, not to be found in Boswell, ^ was related 
 to me (says Archdeacon Sinclair) by Dr Chalmers. "Dr Johnson," he said, 
 " on his arrival at St Andrews, was taken by the College authorities to see the 
 ruins. He afterwards dined with them in the College Hall ; but he had not 
 got over his indignation at the vandalism which had wantonly destroyed some 
 of the oldest and finest remains of ecclesiastical architecture in Scotland. He 
 was so rude and overbearing that at last the conversation dropped. After a 
 pause, one of the younger and more adventurous professors addressed him: 
 'Dr Johnson, I hope that you have not been disappointed in your visit to 
 Scotland ? ' * Sir, ' replied the Doctor, ' I came here to see savage men and 
 savage manners, and I have not been disappointed.' " 
 
 BY DEGREES. 
 J. C. Young says: — When Dr Johnson, in his tour to the Hebrides, 
 visited St Andrews, he was shown over the old library. The then librarian 
 had been exhibiting some of his rare literary treasures. "Have you got," 
 asked Johnson, " such and such a book ? " " No, sir, we have not. It is a 
 very expensive book, and, I fear, beyond the means at our command. " " Oh ? " 
 said he, " you'll get it by degrees " — alluding to the habit which then prevailed 
 of selling degrees. 
 
 ONLY THAT, AND NOTHING MOEE ! 
 On one occasion (says Mark Boyd) Lord Stowell, then "William Scott, of 
 University College, Oxford, entertained [Dr] Johnson [to dinner]. [After 
 dinner], the party adjourned to the College Garden, and Johnson observed 
 Scott pitching snails, which had come out after rain on the walks, into his 
 neighbour's garden. "Hallo, Scott!" exclaimed Johnson; "do unto thy 
 neighbour as you would be done by." "But, my dear Doctor," said Scott, 
 ''he is a Dissenter." "A Dissenter ! " ejaculated Johnson ; " then pitch away." 
 
 HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE ! 
 About the time of the trial of O'Quigley, who was hanged at Maidstone for 
 treason, in 1798, some articles appeared in the Morning Chronicle, apparently 
 reflecting on Fox. Dr Parr^ (says Jerdan) read them, and was much displeased. 
 He attributed them to Macintosh (not then Sir James), because they contained 
 some literary criticism or remark which Parr thought he had communicated 
 
 1 Bosw ell's " Life " is so familiar to every one, that it is unnecessary to quote from it. 
 
 2 The famous scholar ; &. 1747, d. 1825. 
 
132 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 to Macintosh exclusively. In point of fact he was wrong, as it turned out 
 in the sequel that Macintosh had nothing to do with them ; but while in the 
 state of Wrath which his belief that Macintosh was the author occasioned, he 
 (Dr Parr) and Macintosh dined together at the table of Sir William Milner, 
 in Manchester Street, Manchester Square. In the course of conversation after 
 dinner, Macintosh observed that " O'Quigley was one of the greatest villains 
 that ever was hanged." Dr Parr had been watching for an opening, and 
 immediat'^ly said, •' No, Jemmy ! bad as he was, he might have been a great 
 deal woise. He was an Irishman; he might have been a Scotchman! He 
 was a priest ; he might have been a lawyer ! He stuck to his principles — 
 (giving a violent rap on the table) — he might have betrayed them !" 
 
 HE DOESN'T MEAN IT ! 
 
 Procter's biography of Charles Lamb^ is a mine of authentic stories about 
 that delightful humorist, and we shall be indebted to it for the next few anec- 
 dotes. For example : — One evening Coleridge had consumed the whole time 
 in talking of some "regenerated" orthodoxy. Leigh Hunt, who was one of 
 the listeners, on leaving the house, expressed his surprise at the prodigality 
 and intensity of Coleridge's religious expressions. Lamb tranquillized him by 
 "Ne-ne-never mind what Coleridge says; he's full of fun." 
 
 HIS DAILY WORK. 
 
 " Charles," said Coleridge to Lamb, " I think you have heard me preach ?' 
 " I n-n-never heard you do anything else," replied Lamb. 
 
 A PREFERENCE. 
 A Mrs K , when one day conversing with Charles Lamb, after express- 
 ing her love for her young children, added tenderly, ' ' And how do you like 
 babies, Mr Lamb?" His answer, immediate, almost precipitate, was, "Boi- 
 boi-boiled, ma'am." 
 
 A COOL CUSTOMER. 
 
 The second son of George the Second, it was said, had a very cold and 
 ungenial manner. Lamb stammered out in his defence that " This was very 
 natural in the Duke of Cu-Cum-ber-land. " 
 
 1 Born 1775, died 1834. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 133 
 
 NO DOUBT! 
 Procter writes of Lamb : — I once said sometliing in his presence, which I 
 thought possessed smartness. He commended me with a stammer: "Very 
 well, my dear boy, very well ; Ben (taking a pinch of snuff) Ben Jonson has 
 said worse things than that — and — and— b-b-better."^ 
 
 QUITE FULL. 
 Once, whilst Lamb was waiting in the Highgate stage, a woman came to 
 the door and inquired in a stern voice, " Are you quite full inside ? " " Yes, 
 ma'am," said Charles, in meek reply, "quite; that plateful of Mrs Gillman's 
 pudding has quite filled us." 
 
 IN A PARLOUR. 
 
 "What (says Procter) do you think of Charles Lamb (it was after supper) 
 saying to his company, among whom was Wordsworth and his train — "We 
 sit ve-ve-ve-e-ery silent here. Like a company in a parlour — all silent and 
 all damned." 
 
 A REMINISCENCE. 
 Hood tempting Lamb to dine with him, said, "We have a hare." "And 
 many friends ?" inquired Lamb.^ 
 
 DRAWING THE LINE. 
 It being suggested to Lamb that he would not sit down to a meal with the 
 Italian witnesses at the Queen's trial. Lamb rejected the imputation, asserting 
 that he would sit with anything, except a hen or a tailor. 
 
 LEGAL. 
 A person sending an unnecessarily large sum with a lawyer's brief, Lamb 
 said it was "a fee simple." 
 
 A TRADE-MARK. 
 On being asked by a schoolmistress for some sign indicative of her calling, 
 Lamb recommended "The Murder of the Innocents." 
 
 1 "This," says Procter, "is given in Mr Thomas Moore's Autohiography. I suppose I 
 must have repeated it to him, and he forgot the precise words. " 
 
 2 The allusion is to a well-known fable by the poet Gay. One of the famous family to 
 which J. C. Hare belonged was said to be so popular that he was called the Hare with 
 many friends. 
 
134 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 A NOBLE RESOLVE. 
 A fine sonnet of Lamb's ("The Gipsy's Malison") being refused publication, 
 he exclaimed, ''Hang the age ! I'll write for Antiquity." 
 
 RELATIONS. 
 On two Prussians of tlie same name being accused of the same crime, it was 
 remarked as curious that they were not in any way related to each other. "A 
 mistake," said Lamb, "they are cozens german." 
 
 A THREAT. 
 Of a man too prodigal of lampoons and verbal jokes, Lamb said, threateningly, 
 "I'll Lamb-pun him." 
 
 A HAPPY FATHER. 
 Crabb Robinson ^ writes in his Diary : — I called on the Lambs. . . . Lamb 
 said, "If you will quote any of my jokes, quote this, which is really a good 
 one. Hume and his wife and several of their children were with me. Hume 
 repeated the old saying, "One fool makes many." "Ay, Mr Hume," said I, 
 pointing to the company, "you have a fine family." 
 
 PAYNE-FULL. 
 
 Crabb Robinson writes again : — Took tea with Lamb. Hessey gave an 
 account of De Quincey's description of his own bodily sufferings. " He should 
 have employed as his publishers, " said Lamb, "Pain and Fuss" (Payne and 
 Foss). 
 
 RETICUL-OUS. 
 Crabb Robinson records: — Punsters being abused, and the old joke re- 
 peated that he who puns will pick a pocket, some one said, " Punsters them- 
 selves have no pockets." " No," said Lamb, " they carry only a ridicule." 
 
 A WITTY CITATION. 
 Crabb Robinson writes elsewhere : — Went with Lamb to Richman's . . . 
 Richman produced one of Chatterton's forgeries. In one manuscript there 
 were seventeen different kinds of e's. "Oh," said Lamb, "that must have 
 been written by one of the 
 
 ' Mob of gentlemen who write with case'" 
 
 1 A great friend of Lamb's, and a constant visitor at Iiis house. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 135 
 
 ANOTHER. 
 
 Called on Charles Lamb. I was speaking (says Crabb Robinson) of my first 
 brief, when he asked, '* Did you not exclaim — 
 
 ' Thou great first cause, least understood?'"^ 
 
 A VENTURE. 
 
 Moore records in his Diary: — Kenny to-day mentioned Charles Lamb's being 
 once bored by a lady praising to him "such a charming man!" etc., etc., 
 ending with " I know him, bless him ! " on which Lamb said, " Well, I don't, 
 but d — n him, at a hazard. " 
 
 A COMPENSATION. 
 
 Charles Lamb (says Moore) was sitting next some chattering woman at 
 dinner. Observing he didn't attend to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, 
 "to be at all the better for what I have been saying to you." "No, ma'am," 
 he answered, " but this gentleman at the other side of me must, for it all 
 came in at one ear and went out at the other." 
 
 FOR THEM ! 
 
 Leigh Hunt says, that to a person abusing Voltaire, and indiscreetly oppos- 
 ing his character to that of Jesus Christ, Lamb said admirably (though he 
 by no means overrated Voltaire, nor wanted reverence in the other quarter), 
 that "Voltaire was a very good Jesus Christ — for the French." 
 
 A VALUABLE HOLDING. 
 
 Lamb (writes Leigh Hunt) said once to a brother whist-player [Martin 
 Burney], whose hand was more clever than clean, and who had enough in 
 him to afford the joke, "M., if dirt were trumps, what hands you would 
 hold!" 
 
 " WHEN GREEK," ETC. 
 
 L'Estrange narrates that EUiston, the actor, a self-educated man, was play- 
 ing cribbage one evening with Lamb, and on drawing out his first card, 
 exclaimed, " When Greek meets Greek, then comes the tug of war." "Yes," 
 replied Lamb, "and when you meet Greek, you don't understand it." 
 
 1 This story is also told by Moore, who, however, misquotes the line from Milton as 
 "Thou first besi cause," etc. 
 
C36 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 TRULY DISMAL. 
 Barry Cornwall told J, T. Fields that when he and Charles Lamb were once 
 making up a dinner-party together, Charles asked him not to invite a certain 
 lugubrious friend of theirs, " Because," said Lamb, ''he would cast a damper 
 even over a funeral. " 
 
 A WALK HOME. 
 At a friend's house (says Frederick Locker) Charles Lamb was presented 
 with a cheese ; it was a very ripe, not to say a very lively, cheese, and, as 
 Lamb was leaving, his friend offered him a piece of paper in which to wrap 
 it, so that he might convey it more conveniently. "Thank you," said 
 Charles, "but would not several yards of twine be better, and then, you 
 know, I could lead it home ? " 
 
 A QUAINT LITTLE BOY. 
 Some amusing stories of Macaulay's^ childhood are related in the biography 
 by Mr G. 0. Trevelyan. For example, we learn that, on one occasion, 
 his father took the boy on a visit to Lady Waldegrave at Strawberry Hill. 
 After some time had been spent among the wonders of the Oxford collection, 
 a servant who was waiting upon the company in the great gallery spilt some 
 hot coffee over his legs. The hostess was all kindness and compassion, and 
 when, after a while, she asked how he was feeling, the little fellow looked up 
 in her face, and replied : '* Thank you, madam, the agony is abated." 
 
 SENTENTIOUS, TRULY! 
 Mr Trevelyan tells us that Mrs Macaulay once explained to her son that he 
 must learn to study without the solace of bread and butter; to which he 
 replied: "Yes, mamma, industry shall be my bread, and attention my 
 butter." 
 
 RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION. 
 
 At one period of his boyhood (says the same authority) Macaulay's fancy 
 was much exercised with the threats and terrors of the law. He had a little 
 plot of ground at the back of the house, marked out as his own by a row of 
 oyster-shells which a maid one day threw away as rubbish. He went straight 
 to the drawing-room, where his mother was entertaining some visitors, walked 
 into the circle, and said very solemnly: "Cursed be Sally: for it is written. 
 Cursed is he that removeth his neighbour's land-mark.' " 
 
 1 Bom 1800, died 1859. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS, 137 
 
 THE PERSON WHO SHAVED HIM. 
 
 Macaulay, it appears, was unhandy to a degree quite unexampled in the 
 experience of all who knew him. After he had sailed for India (says his 
 biographer), there were found in his chambers between fifty and sixty strops, 
 hacked into strips and splinters, and razors without beginning or end. About 
 the same period he hurt his hand, and was reduced to send for a barber. 
 After the operation, he asked what was to pay. *'0h, sir," said the man, 
 "whatever you usually give the person who shaves you." "In that case," 
 said Macaulay, *' I should give you a great gash on each cheek." 
 
 NOT BETTY MARTIN! 
 
 Lady Chatterton says that Rogers happened to ask Macaulay what ho 
 thought of Miss Harriet Martineau's wonderful cures by mesmerism. He 
 said, with one of his rare smiles, "Oh, it's all my eye, and Hetty Mar- 
 tineau ! " 
 
 "MINE OYSTER." 
 
 J. T. Fields narrates the following anecdote of Thackeray^: — In London he 
 had been very curious in his inquiries about American oysters, as marvellous 
 stories, which he did not believe, had been told him of their great size. We 
 apologised [at dinner] — although we had taken care that the largest specimens 
 to be procured should startle his unwonted vision when he came to the table 
 — for what we called the extreme sinallness of the oysters, promising that we 
 would do better next time. Six bloated Falstaffian bivalves lay before him 
 in their shells. I noticed that he gazed at them anxiously with fork upraised; 
 then he whispered to me, with a look of anguish, "How shall I do it?" I 
 described to him the simple process by which the freeborn citizens of America 
 were accustomed to accomplish such a task. He seemed satisfied that tlie 
 thing was feasible, selected the smallest one of the half-dozen (rejecting a large 
 one "because" he said, "it resembled the High Priest's servant's ear that 
 Peter cut off"), and then bowed his head as if he were saying grace. All 
 eyes were upon him to watch the effect of a new sensation in the person of a 
 great British author. Opening his mouth very wide, he struggled for a moment, 
 and then all was over. I shall never forget the comic look of despair he cast 
 upon the other five over-occupied shells. I broke the perfect stillness by 
 asking him how he felt. "Profoundly grateful," he gasped, "and as if I 
 had swallowed a little baby." 
 
 ^ Born 1811, died 1863, 
 
138 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 MUTUAL FRIENDS. 
 
 Hicks^ and Thackeray (says J. C. Young), walking together, stopped oppo- 
 site a doorway, over which was inscribed in gold letters these words : " Mutual 
 Loan Office." They both seemed equally puzzled. "What on earth can 
 that mean?" asked Hicks, "I don't know," answered Thackeray; ** unless 
 it mean, that two men who have nothing, agree to lend it to each other." 
 
 "NONE BUT HIMSELF," ETC. 
 
 Hicks (says the same authority) was talking to Thackeray of a certain 
 gentleman's strange addiction to beer. " It's a great pity," said Hicks, 
 "that he does not keep a check-rein on himself, for he is a marvellous fellow 
 otherwise— I mean, for talent. I hardly know his equal." "No," retorted 
 Thackeray, " he is a remarkable man. Take him for half-and-half, we ne'er 
 shall look upon his like again, " 
 
 A GREAT MAN. 
 
 Mrs Kemble told J. C. Young of an excellent remark made to her by 
 "Washington Irving, ^ The merits of a certain American diplomatist being on 
 the taigis^ he said, in allusion to his pomposity, "Ah, he is a great man; 
 and, in his own estimation, a very great man — a man of great weight. When 
 he goes to the West, the East tips up. " 
 
 A SNOW-FALL. 
 
 According to W. H. Harrison, Joseph Snow, at one time Clerk to the 
 Literary Fund and afterwards editor of a Welsh newspaper, had one answer 
 to any witticism perpetrated on his name : " He could not see the drift of it." 
 
 AMONG THE FLATS. 
 Mark Boyd writes : — Mr MacCulloch, the eminent political economist, ^ in 
 dining with us a few days after [an aeronautical friend had made an ascent], 
 was most anxious to learn where he had descended on this occasion. The 
 answer was, "Among the flats of Essex." "A most appropriate locality," 
 exclaimed my distinguished countryman, ' ' and one which shows how true it 
 is that * birds of a feather flock together, ' " 
 
 1 A barrister, of whom some anecdotes will be found recorded on pp, 85, 
 
 2 The American essayist; 6. 1783, d. 1859. 
 
 3 John Ramsay MacCulloch; &, 1789, d. 1864. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 139 
 
 A SEQUITUR. 
 Moore writes in his Diary : — In talking of Frere/ Smith told a mot of his I 
 
 have not heard before. Madame de having said, in her intense style, 
 
 ' ' I should like to be married in English, in a language in which vows are so: 
 faithfully kept." Some one asked Frere, " What language, I wonder, was slie 
 married in ? " '^Broken English, I suppose," answered Frere. 
 
 TOO LATE FOR HIM. 
 Barham's reply to Mr Hodson, his tutor, afterwards Principal of Erase, 
 nose, will convey some notion of the hours he was wont to keep at college. 
 This gentleman sent for him on one occasion to demand an explanation of 
 his continued absence from morning chapel. "The fact is, sir," urged his 
 pupil, "you are too late for me." "Too late ! " repeated the tutor, in aston- 
 ishment. "Yes, sir — too late. I cannot sit up till seven o'clock in the 
 morning. I am a man of regular habits, and unless I get to bed by four or 
 five at the latest, I am fit for nothing next day." Barham tells this story 
 himself.'^ 
 
 HIS BIRTHRIGHT. 
 Jerdan, the editor of the Literary Gazette, was very ready in repartee. His. 
 friend W. H. Harrison writes : — T was dining once with him and Crofton 
 Croker, shortly after the death of the Earl of Moira, when Croker remarked 
 that the Earl, with all his talents and accomplishments, would "leave no 
 wake upon the stream of time." "Nonsense, Crofty," said Jerdan, "every 
 dead Irishman has a wake ! " 
 
 THE ODD TRICK. 
 Jerdan told Lord "William Lennox that when Thomas Campbell published 
 his domestic tale of " Theodric," the conversation turned upon it. " I think," 
 said a wag, "it is selling prodigiously, and that the author will gain a large 
 sum on the odd trick (Theodric), without counting the honours." I rather 
 fancy (says Lord William) the wag referred to was Jerdan himself. 
 
 THE SECOND JAMES. 
 The two following (says Mr Hay ward) are among the best of James Smith's* 
 good things: — A gentleman with the same Christian and surname took lodgings 
 
 1 John Hookham Frere, diplomatist and author ; b. 1769, d. 1846. 
 
 2 See his Life by his son. Barhara is still best known by his pseudonym of Thomas. 
 Ingoldsby, the fictitious author of the " Ingoldsby Legends." 
 
 •' One of the authors oiEejected Addresses, and a facile epigrammatist; 6. 1775, d. 1839. 
 
1 40 TREAS UR Y OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 in the same house. The consequence was eternal confusion of calls and letters. 
 Indeed, the postman had no alternative but to share the letters equally be- 
 tween the two. " This is intolerable, sir," said our friend, ''and you must 
 quit." " Why am I t(tquit more than you?" "Because you are James the 
 Second, and must abdicate. " 
 
 THE OTHER EXTREME. 
 
 Mr Bentley proposed to establish a periodical publication, to be called 
 ^* The Wits' Miscellany. " Smith objected that the title promised too much. 
 Shortly afterwards the publisher came to tell him that he had profited by the 
 hint, and resolved on calling it " Bentley's Miscellany." "Isn't that going 
 a little too far the other way?" was the remark.^ 
 
 STRICTLY PROPER. 
 
 In a letter, dated May 21, 1836, James Smith wrote to a lady friend: — 
 
 ** Our dinner party yesterday at H 's chambers in the Temple was very 
 
 lively. An opportunity for a ton inot occurred, which I had not sufficient 
 
 virtue to resist. Lord L mentioned that an old lady, an acquaintance of 
 
 his, kept her books in detached bookcases — the male authors in one, and the 
 female in another. I said, ' I suppose her reason was, she did not wish to 
 
 add to her library.'" The joke (says Mr Hayward) was made by Lord L ; 
 
 the story, an invented pleasantry, illustrative of Madame Genlis' prudery, 
 having been related by another of the company. 
 
 THE WORLD AND THE POLES. 
 
 Those (says Lord William Lennox) who liked a witty remark, or a pungent 
 epigram, would join the table at which James Smith sat, and any common- 
 place remark of the day was immediately committed by him into verse. I 
 remember once asking him if he was going to the ball at the Mansion House, 
 got up in aid of the unfortunate Polish refugees. "No," said he. Then, 
 calling for a sheet of paper and a pencil, he wrote the following lines : — 
 
 "Aloft, in rotatory motions hurled, 
 The poles are called on to support the world. 
 In these our days a different law controls: 
 The world is called on to support the Poles." 
 
 1 This is also attributed to Douglas Jerrold. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 141 
 
 MANTON AND EGG. 
 
 When asked (says the same authority) ' ' Whose are the best gims, Manton's 
 or Egg's ? " Smith replied, " Egg's — for poaching," and in a second produced 
 the following epigram : — 
 
 " Two of a trade can ne'er agree. 
 Each worries each, if able ; 
 In Manton and in Egg we see 
 This proverb proved no fable. 
 
 " Each famed for guns, whose loud report 
 Confirms the fact I'm broaching ; 
 Manton's the best for lawful sport. 
 But Egg's the best for poaching." 
 
 "THE CAUSE." 
 John Heneage Jesse (writes J. C. Young in his Diary) gave me a curious 
 instance of [James Smith's] ready wit. When he was preparing for the press 
 his " Gleanings in Natural History," James Smith one day unexpectedly 
 burst in upon him. The moment he saw him, he said, " My dear Smith, you 
 have come to me in the nick of time as my good genius, to extricate me from 
 a difficulty. You must know that to each of my chapters I have put an 
 appropriate heading : I mean by that, that each chapter has prefixed to it a 
 quotation from some well-known author, suited to the subject treated of, with 
 one exception. I have been cudgelling my brains for a motto for my chapter 
 on ' Crows and Rooks,' and cannot think of one. Can you ? " " Certainly, " 
 he said, with felicitous promptitude, ' ' here is one from Shakspeare for you ! — 
 * The cause (caws), my soul, the cause (caws).'" 
 
 RIVERS AND THEIR GENDERS. 
 Young says elsewhere : — After dinner [at Jesse's, with Smith as a com- 
 panion], " By the bye," said I, "if I recollect rightly, in Latin the names 
 of rivers are generally masculine." "I forget," said Smith, "but that 
 can't be the invariable rule in English, for the two great American rivers must 
 be feminine — Miss-souri and Miss-sisippi."^ 
 
 1 Smith afterwards versified this joke as follows: — 
 
 '• In England rivers all are males— 
 For instance, Father Thames; 
 Whoever in Columbia sails 
 
 Finds them ma'amselles or dames. 
 Yes, there the softer sex presides. 
 
 Aquatic, I assure ye; 
 For Mrs JSippy rolls her tides 
 Responsive to Miss Souri." 
 
142 TREASUR V OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 INCONCEIVABLE. 
 The late Mr Nightingale (says J. C. Young) was telling Horace Smith » of 
 his having given a late Royal Duke an account of an accident he had met 
 with when he had been run away with, and of the Duke's exclaiming aloud 
 to himself, when he heard he had jumped out of the carriage, "Fool ! fool !" 
 "Now," said the narrator to his auditor, "it's all very well for him to caU 
 me a fool ; but I can't conceive why he should. Can you ?" " No," replied 
 the wag, as if reflecting, "No, I can't; because he could not suppose you 
 ijrnorant of the fact." 
 
 A NIGGER RISING. 
 The Earl of Albemarle records the following : — At a dinner of the Duke of 
 St Albans', some one was predicting that negro emancipation would be 
 followed by a general massacre of the white population. At this moment a 
 sudden gust of wind filled the room with soot. "Your worst fears are 
 verified," said Horace [Smith], turning to the speaker; "behold an insur- 
 rection of the blacks !" 
 
 INEVITABLE. 
 
 Blanchard Jerrold's memoir of his father is full of admirable anecdotes of 
 die great wit. For instance: — Douglas Jerrold^ regarded the adapter as some- 
 body who managed to cozen a reputation for originality from the foreigner. 
 Discussing one day with Mr Planche this vexed question, this gentleman in- 
 sisted upon claiming some of his characters as strictly original creations. 
 " Do you remember my Baroness in Ask tio Questions V said Mr Planche. 
 "Yes, indeed, I don't think I ever saw a piece of yours without being struck 
 by your barrenness," was the retort. This closed the discussion with a hearty 
 laugh. 
 
 A RETROGRADE MOVEMENT. 
 
 Off the Swan at Battersea some mismanagement of a boat occurred, during 
 which (his son tells us) Jerrold fell backwards into the water. He was taken 
 into the boat with much difliculty, conveyed ashore, and put to bed in the 
 Swan Inn. On the following day he repeated a conversation he had had with 
 the Swan chambermaid. Jerrold: "I suppose these accidents happen fre- 
 quently off here." Servant: "0 yes, sir, frequently; but it's not the season 
 yet." Jerrold : " Ah ! I suppose it's all owing to a backward spring !" 
 
 1 Brother of James Smith, and one of the authors of Rejected Addresses. 
 
 2 Humorist and dramatist; b. 1803, d. 1857. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 143 
 
 A BAD LOCALITY. 
 On a certain day Jerrold met Mr Alfred Bunn^ in Jermyn Street. "What !" 
 said Mr Bunn, "I suppose you're strolling about, picking up character." 
 "Well, not exactly," was the reply, "though there's plenty lost here, I'm 
 told." 
 
 DECIDEDLY WOODEN. 
 
 When Morris had the Haymarket Theatre, Jerrold, on a certain occasion, 
 had occasion to find fault with the strength, or rather the want of strength, of 
 
 the company. Morris expostulated, and said, " Why, there's V ; he was 
 
 bred on these boards ! " Ee'ply : " He looks as though he had been cut out of 
 them." 
 
 WHY NOT? 
 
 "Do you know," said a friend to Jerrold, "that Jones has left the stage, 
 and turned wine-merchant?" Reply: "Oyes; and I am told that his wine 
 off the stage is better than his whine on it, " 
 
 NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. 
 Douglas Jerrold (says his son) was always nervous during the first represen- 
 tation of his pieces. On one of these first nights a very successful transplanter 
 from the French rallied the nervous dramatist. "I," said the soothing 
 gentleman, "I never feel nervous on the first night of my pieces." Reply : 
 ' Ah ! my boy, you are always certain of success. Your pieces have always, 
 been tried before." 
 
 FAMILY FEELING. 
 Eetuining to London on one occasion, Jerrold was recognised in the railway 
 carriage by a gentleman who wished — seeing the enthusiasm with which 
 Jerrold pointed to the beauties of the landscape — to ingratiate himself by 
 the assumption of an equal enthusiasm. But the counterfeit was plain and 
 revolting, " I take a book," said the stranger, " retire into some unfrequented 
 field, gaze on God's heaven, then study. If there are animals in the field so 
 much the better ; the cow approaches, and looks down at me, and I look up 
 at her." " With a filial smile ? " asked the stranger's annoyed listener. 
 
 NOT TOO OLD. 
 
 Jerrold orders a bottle of old port. " Not elder port," he adds. 
 
 The well-known impresario. 
 
144 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 THE BETTER OF THE TWO. 
 A friend — let us say Barlow — was describing to Jerrold the story of his 
 courtship and marriage — how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and 
 was on the point of taking the veil when his presence burst upon her en- 
 raptured sight. [Jerrold] listened to the end of the story, and by way of 
 comment said, "Ah! she evidently thought Barlow better than nun." 
 
 A LIBERAL SUBSCRIPTION. 
 A friend of Jerrold's drops into the club, and walks across the smoking- 
 room to Douglas Jerrold's chair. The friend wants to enlist Mr Jerrold's 
 sympathies in behalf of a mutual acquaintance who is in want of a round sum 
 of money. But this mutual friend has already sent his hat about among his 
 
 literary brethren on more than one occasion. Mr 's hat was becoming an 
 
 institution, and friends were grieved at the indelicacy of the proceeding. On 
 the occasion to which we now refer, the bearer of the hat was received by 
 Jerrold with evident dissatisfaction. ''Well," said Douglas Jerrold, "how 
 
 much does want this time ?" "Why, just a four and two noughts will, 
 
 I think, put him straight," the bearer of the hat replied. Jerrold : " Well, 
 put me down for one of the noughts." 
 
 A PIOUS ASPIRATIOK 
 An old gentleman, whom (says Blanchard Jerrold) I will call Prosy Veiy, 
 was in the habit of meeting Jerrold and pouring long pointless stories into his 
 patient ears. On one occasion Prosy related a long limp account of a stupid 
 practical joke, concluding with the information that the effect of the joke was 
 so potent, " he really thought he would have died with laughter." Jerrold: 
 " I wish to heaven you had. " 
 
 THAT'S ALL. 
 
 A stormy discussion takes place, during which a gentleman rises to settle 
 the matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited dis- 
 putants, he begins : " Gentlemen, all I want is common sense — . " " Exactly," 
 Douglas Jerrold interrupts ; "that is what you do want." The discussion is 
 lost in a burst of laughter. 
 
 A HITCH SOMEWHERE. 
 The talk at a club lightly passes to the writings of a certain Scot. A mem- 
 ber holds that the Scot's name should be handed down to a grateful posterity. 
 Douglas Jef^ld : "I quite agree with you that he should have an itch in the 
 Temple of FaVne." 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 145 
 
 A TRUE FRIEND. 
 Brown drops in. Brown is said by all his friends to be the toady of Jones, 
 The appearance of Jones in a room is the proof that Brown is in the passage. 
 When Jones has the influenza, Brown dutifully catches a cold in the head. 
 Douglas Jerrold to Brown : " Have you heard the rumour that's flying about 
 town ?" "No." " Well, they say Jones pays the dog-tax for you." 
 
 A VERY DIFFERENT MATTER. 
 
 Douglas Jerrold is seriously disappointed with a certain book written by 
 one of his friends, and has expressed his disappointment. Friend: "I hear 
 
 you said was the worst book I ever wrote." Jerrold: "No, I didn't. 
 
 I said it was the worst book anybody ever wrote." 
 
 SHEEPISH. 
 A supper of sheep's heads is proposed, and presently served. One gentle- 
 man present is particularly enthusiastic on the excellence of the dish, and, as he 
 throws down his knife and fork, exclaims, "Well, sheep's head for ever, 
 say I ! " Jerrold : " There's egotism !" 
 
 QUERY? 
 When some member of the Museum Club, hearing an air mentioned, ex- 
 claimed, "That always carries me away when I hear it." "Can nobody 
 whistle it ? " asked Douglas Jerrold. 
 
 AN UNFORTUNATE OCCUR-ENCE. 
 Jerrold asking once about the talent of a young painter, his companion 
 declared that the youth was mediocre. "Oh!" was the reply; "the very 
 worst ochre -an artist can set to work with." 
 
 A MORAL SAYING. 
 As Jerrold was walking to the club with a friend from the theatre, some in- 
 toxicated young gentlemen reeled up to the dramatist and said, ''Can you tell 
 us the way to the Judge and Jury ?" " Keep on as you are, young gentle- 
 men," was the reply ; "you're sure to overtake them." 
 
 A PLEASURE TO COME. 
 
 The author of an epic poem [J. A. Heraud] asked Jerrold (says the same 
 authority) if he had ever seen his "Descent into Hell." "No," replied 
 Jerrold, with a chuckle of delight; "but I should like to." 
 
 K 
 
146 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 "SUCH KINDNESS!" 
 Quick and free (says Charles Mackay) from the slightest taint of ill-nature 
 was Jerrold's remark about the affectionate letters written from America by an 
 actor who had left his wife in London without money, and who had never sent 
 her any. * ' What kindness ! " he said aloud, with strong emphasis, when one of 
 the letters was read aloud in the greenroom of the Hay market. "Kindness !" 
 ejaculated one of the actresses, indignantly, "when he never sends the poor 
 woman a penny." " Yes," said Jerrold, "unremitting kindness!" 
 
 . NONE CAME DOWN. 
 
 Of a different character (adds Mackay) was Jerrold's jest when one of the 
 members of the "Hooks and Eyes" was expatiating on the fact that he had 
 dined three times at the Duke of Devonshire's, and that on neither occasion 
 had there been any fish at table. " I cannot account for it," he added. " I 
 oan," said Jerrold; "they ate it all upstairs." 
 
 ONE, BUT NOT THE OTHER. 
 Jerrold (says Mackay) was once asked by a literary acquaintance whether he 
 had the courage to lend him a guinea. " Oh yes," he replied, " I've got the 
 courage, but I haven't got the guinea." 
 
 NOBODY TO BLAME. 
 Mrs Cowden Clarke relates that it was while walking home together from 
 Serle's house, one bleak night of English spring, that, in crossing West- 
 minster Bridge, with an east wind blowing keenly through every fold of 
 clothing we wore, Jerrold said to us, " I blame nobody, but they call this May !" 
 
 "VERY LIKE A WHALE." 
 Says the same authority: — When an acquaintance came up to him and 
 said, "Why, Jerrold, I hear you said my nose was like the ace of clubs!" 
 Jerrold returned, " No I didn't; but now I look at it, I see it is very like." 
 
 READY. 
 Writes J. C. Young : — My friend the late Sam Phillips, the author of Essays 
 from tlie Times, one day met Douglas Jerrold, and told him he had seen, 
 the day before, Payne Collier, ^ looking wonderfully young and w^ell — quite an 
 evergreen. "Ah," said Jerrold, "he may be evergreen, but he's never red 
 (read)." On my repeating this to Hicks, he smiled and said, "Now that's 
 what I call 'ready wit.' " 
 
 Author of The History of Dramatic Poetry, &c. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 147 
 
 A DEFINITION. 
 
 The following (says Crabb Robinson) is from Kenyon : "What is dogma- 
 tism ? " asked some one of Douglas Jerrold. " Puppyism full grown." 
 
 SOMETHING WANTING, 
 One morning (say Henry Compton's sons^) that famous actor and 
 Douglas Jerrold proceeded together to view the pictures in the "Gallery 
 of Illustration." On entering the ante-room, they found themselves 
 opposite to a number of very long looking-glasses. Pausing before one of these, 
 Compton remarked to Jerrold : ' ' You've come here to admire works of art ! 
 Very well, first feast your eyes on that work of nature ! " — pointing to his own 
 figure reflected in the glass — "look at it; there's a picture for you !" " Yes," 
 said Jerrold, regarding it intently, * ' very fine, very fine indeed ! " Then turn- 
 ing to his friend : " Wants hanging, though!" 
 
 BOVINE INDIFFERENCE. 
 
 Walter Bagehot (says Mr Hutton 2) delighted in observing and expound- 
 ing the bovine slowness of rural England in acquiring a new idea. Somerset- 
 shire, he used to boast, would not subscribe £1000 " to be represented by an 
 archangel." 
 
 A DISTINCTION. 
 Bagehot used to say banteringly to his mother, by way of putting her off at 
 a time when she was anxious for him to marry, ' ' A man's mother is his mis- 
 fortune, but his wife is his fault. " 
 
 TASTY SOUP. 
 I remember asking Bagehot (says Mr Hutton) if he had enjoyed a particular 
 dinner which he had rather expected to enjoy, but he replied, " No, the sherry 
 was bad; tasted as if L had dropped all his h's into it." 
 
 NO END TO IT. 
 Perhaps (says Mr Hutton) the best illustration I can give of his more sardonic 
 humour was his remark to a friend who had a church in the grounds near his 
 house : — " Ah, you've got a church in the grounds ! I like that. It's as well 
 the tenants shouldn't be quite sure that the landlord's power stops with this 
 world." 
 
 1 In their Lift of their father. 2 See iJIr Hutton's preface to Bagehot's Essays. 
 
1 48 TREASUR V OF MODERN ANECDO TE. 
 
 STICKING TO PORT. 
 W. H. Harrison writes : — Among the guests at the table of a friend was a 
 clergyman of the old school, who, doubtless enjoying *' the feast of reason and 
 the flow of soul," was equally alive to the merits of the turtle and the port, which 
 last was exceptionally fine. " I see, " said my clerical neighbour, addressing 
 myself, "You stick to port." "Yes," I said, "and so am safe from being 
 half seas over." 
 
 A FELICITOUS QUOTATION. 
 
 John Hamilton Reynolds^ (says Planche) was specially distinguished 
 for the aptness of his quotations. Finding him one day lunching at the 
 " Garrick," I asked him if the beef he was eating was good. " It would have 
 been," he answered, " if damned custom had not brazed it so." * 
 
 ANOTHER. 
 
 Planchfe tells another good story of Reynolds : — He told me how that, one 
 evening, he had attended a tea-party, and noticing a pretty, bright-looking 
 girl, he entered into conversation with her, and elicited from her, to his great 
 gratification, that she was very fond of poetry. " Then, of course you admire, 
 as much as I do, Shakespeare's exquisite comedy of ' As You Like It '. " " I 
 have read it," she answered; "but I don't understand it — " "Not under- 
 stand it ! then I am afraid you don't understand a tree. " This was infinitely 
 beyond her, and with a look of blank astonishment, she replied, " I don't 
 know what you mean." " Upon which," says Reynolds, " I took my leave of 
 her ' under the shade of melancholy hows.* " ^ 
 
 BRED AND BREAD. 
 
 It was in the drawing-room of my uncle's house in Arlington Street (writes 
 
 Lady Chatterton) that Tom Paine,* who had been brought there as a sort of 
 
 lion, was breakfasting with my aunt one day, received a note from one of the 
 
 Prince Regent's Court to the effect that the Prince was anxious to know if he 
 
 (Tom Paine) had been bred to the sea. The writer had, by a slip of the pen 
 
 spelt the word bread, upon which Tom Paine wrote in pencil on the cover : — 
 
 " No, not bread to the sea. 
 
 But it was bread to me 
 
 And — bad bread it be." 
 
 1 John Hamilton Reynolds, Hood's brother-in-law, and coUaborateur in some of his 
 works, less generally known to the public, was only inferior to his celebrated connection, as 
 a wit, a poet, and if I may be allowed the expression, a philosophical punster.— PZonc7:e. 
 
 2 Hamlet, act iii., scene 4. s ^g You Like It, act ii., scene 7. 
 * Author of The Age of Reason; b. 1737, d. 1S09. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LE TTERS . 1 49 
 
 THE FAULT OF THE PUPPY. 
 
 "Monk" Lewis^ (says Eaikes) was sometimes invited to Oatlands, and had 
 a turn for epigram that rather amused the Duchess of York. On one occasion 
 I remember that Lord Erskine, after dinner, inveighed bitterly against marriage; 
 and smarting, I suppose, under the recollection of his own unsuccessful choice, 
 concluded by saying, that a wife was a tin canister tied to a man's tail, which 
 very much excited the indignation of Lady Ann Culling Smith, who was of 
 the party. Lewis took a sheet of paper, and wrote the following neat epigram 
 on the subject, which he presented to her Royal Highness : — 
 " Lord Ersidne at marriage presuming to rail, 
 Says a wife's a tin canister tied to one's tail, 
 And the fair Lady Ann, -while the subject he carries on, 
 Feels hurt at his Lordship's degrading comparison. 
 But wherefore degrading ? if taken aright 
 A tin canister's useful, and polished, and bright. 
 And if dirt its original purity hide, 
 'Tis the fault of the puppy to whom it is tied. " 2 
 
 A TORY VIRGIN. 
 At one of Lydia White's small and agreeable dinners in Park Street, the 
 company (most of them, except the hostess, being Whigs) were discussing, in 
 rather a querulous strain, the desperate prospects of their party. "Yes," 
 said Sydney Smith, "we are in a deplorable condition ; we must do something 
 to help ourselves; I think we had better sacrifice a Tory Virgin." This 
 (says L'Estrange) was partially addressed to Lydia White, who at once catching 
 and applying the allusion to Iphigenia, "Well, I believe there is nothing 
 the Whigs would not do to raise the wind !" 
 
 AN EPITAPH. 
 Miss Mitford mentions in one of her letters an epitaph on Mr Wordsworth, 
 which (she says) I don't quite recollect, but which was to this effect : — 
 
 " Here lyeth "W. W., 
 Who never more will trouble you, trouble you." 
 
 MOLE-CULAR FORCE. 
 Moore writes: — A Mr Joyce — who, they tell me, wrote the "Modem 
 Parnassus " some years ago — made not a bad pun in the course of the night. 
 A seat on which Mrs Mole was sitting gave way, and he said, ^^ Mole ruU 
 sua." 
 
 See p. 124. 2 These lines are also attributed to Sheridan. 
 
I50 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 NONE PLAINER. 
 Basil Montague (writes Miss Mitford on one occasion) said a very good 
 thing. Talking of the Doctor [Parr]'s illegible MS., "Ay," said he, "his 
 letters are illegible, except they contain a commission or an announcement 
 that he is coming to see you, and then no man can write plainer." 
 
 A FAVOURITE LIE. 
 When Mr Blackwood^ visited Aytoun, in Orkney, he was repeatedly taken 
 (says Martin 2) by his friend to view a bank which Aytoun said was *' a favourite 
 lie" of the seals. None of the phocid race, however, were ever to be seen 
 there. At last Mr Blackwood, turning to Mrs Aytoun, said, "Apparently 
 this is a favourite lie of William's, if not of the seals." 
 
 LINLEY MYSTIFIED. 
 William Linley, brother to the first Mrs Sheridan, though a man of the 
 world, and a member of the celebrated "Beefsteak Club," the hoaxing pro- 
 pensities of whose members are so proverbial, was (says Barham) a man of 
 great good-nature and still greater simplicity of mind. He always occupied 
 a particular table at the "Garrick," and, though a general favourite, was 
 somewhat too fond of reciting long speeches from various authors, generally 
 Shakespeare. It was one day in this month that he had began to spout from 
 the opening scene in "Macbeth," and would probably have gone through it 
 (continues Barham) if I had not cut him short at the third line — 
 
 "When the hurly-burly's done," 
 with "What on earth are you talking about? Why, my dear Linley, it is 
 astonishing that a man so well read in Shakespeare as yourself should adopt 
 that nonsensical reading ! What is ' hurly-hurly ' pray ? There is no such word 
 in the language; you can't find an allusion to it in Johnson." Linley, whose 
 veneration for Dr Johnson was only inferior to that which he entei-tained for 
 the great poet himself, said, " Indeed ! are you sure there is not? What can 
 be the reason of the omission ? The word, you see, is used by Shakespeare." 
 "No such thing," was the reply ; "it appears so indeed in one or two early 
 editions, but it is evidently mistranscribed. The second folio is the best and 
 most authentic copy, and gives the true reading, though the old nonsense is 
 still retained upon the stage !" " Indeed, and pray what do you call the true 
 reading?" "Why, of course, the same that is followed by Johnson and 
 Steevens in the edition upstairs : — 
 
 ' When the early jmrl is done ; ' 
 
 1 The late John Blackwood, publisher. 
 
 2 In his Life ofW. Edmonstonne Aytoun, poet, essayist, and novelist. 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 151 
 
 that is, when we have finished our 'early purl,' i.e., directly after breakfast." 
 Linley was startled, and after looking steadily at me to see if he could dis- 
 cover any indication of an intention to hoax him, became quite puzzled by the 
 gravity of my countenance, and only gave vent in a hesitating tone, half- 
 doubtful, half-indignant, to the word "Nonsense !" "Nonsense? It is as 
 I assure you. We will send for the book, and see what Steevens says in his 
 note upon the passage. " The book was accordingly sent for, but I took good 
 care to intercept it before it reached the hands of Linley, and taking it from 
 the servant, pretended to read from the volume — 
 
 "When the hurly-burly's done." 
 ' ' Some copies have it ' When the early -purl is done ; ' and I am inclined to 
 think this reading the true one, if the well-known distich be worthy of 
 
 credit — 
 
 * Hops, reformation, turkeys, and beer 
 Came to England all in one year.' 
 
 This would seem to fix the introduction of beer, and consequently of early 
 purl, into the country to about that period of Henry VIII. 's reign when he 
 intermarried with Anne Boleyn, the mother of Queen Elizabeth, Shakespeare's 
 great friend and patroness, and to whom this allusion may perhaps have been 
 intended by the poet as a delicate compliment. Purl, it is well known, was 
 a favourite beverage at the English Court during the latter part of the six- 
 teenth century; and from the epithet then affixed to it, 'early,' an adjunct 
 which it still retains, was no doubt in common use for breakfast at a time 
 when the China trade had not yet made our ancestors familiar with the 
 produce of the tea-plant. Theobald's objection, that, whatever may have been 
 the propriety of its introduction at the Court of Elizabeth, the mention made 
 of it at that of ^Macbeth would be a gross anachronism, may be at once dismissed 
 as futile. Does not Shakespeare, in the very next scene, talk of 
 
 'Cannons overcharged with double cracks?' 
 and is not allusion made by him to the use of the same beverage at the Court 
 of Denmark, at a period co-eval, or nearly so, with that under consideration — 
 
 * Hamlet, this purl is thine ? ' " 
 " But dear me ! " broke in Linley, "that \^ -pearl, not purl, I remember old 
 Packer used to hold up a pearl, and let it drop into the cup." "Sheer mis- 
 conception on the part of a very indifferent actor, my dear Linley, be assured." 
 Here Beazley, who was present, observed, " * Early purl' is all very well, but 
 my own opinion has always leaned to Warburton's conjecture, that a political 
 allusion is intended. He suggests 
 
 'When the Earl of Burleigh's done ;* 
 that is, when we have 'done,' i.e., cheated or deceived, the Earl of Burleigh, 
 a great statesman, you know, in Elizabeth's time, and one whom, to use a cant 
 
152 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 phrase among ourselves, ' 3^ou must get up very early in the morning to take 
 in!'" "But what had Macbeth or the witches to do with the Earl of 
 Burleigh ? Stuff ! nonsense ! " said Linley indignantly. And though Beazley 
 made a good fight in defence of his version, yet his opponent would not listen 
 to it for an instant. "No, no," he continued, "the Earl of Burleigh is all 
 rubbish, but there may be something in the other reading. " And as the book 
 was closed directly the passage had been repeated, and was replaced immediately 
 on the shelf, the unsuspicious critic went away thoroughly mystified, especially 
 as Tom Hill, for whose acquaintance with Early English literature he had a 
 great respect, confirmed the emendation with "' Early purl ! ' Pooh! pooh! 
 to be sure it is ' early purl;' I've got it so in two of my old copies." 
 
 THEIR FUTURE STATE. 
 LadyRuthven (wrote J. C. Young in 1872) understands the management of 
 her estate as well as if she had had the special training of a factor, and preserves 
 and rears her own game. By-the-bye, a well-known litterateur on seeing her, 
 after breakfast, feeding her pheasants with crumbs and milk, exclaimed, " Ah ! 
 I see your ladyship is preparing them here, for bread-sauce Mreafter. 
 
 MUCH MORE APPROPRIATE. 
 Lord William Lennox says that it was Jerdan who told him of the following 
 repartee, made by a most brilliant wit and dramatic writer of the day. The 
 above gentleman, upon meeting poor Sterling Coyne in the street, noticed his 
 very untidy appearance, for he was completely covered with mud. "Why," 
 said he in a pertinent manner, which almost excused the impertinency, " you 
 are called Sterling Coin ; but I think, in your present state, filthy liccre would 
 be a more appropriate appellation." 
 
 A TEST OF SANITY. 
 In one of [his] pleadings, when defending a client alleged to be i-ather 
 imbecile, because he scribbled doggerel rhymes, Sergeant Wilde replied (says 
 Jerdan) that the writing of doggerel was no proof of weakness of intellect, for 
 he could quote an old friend of his who enjoyed a just celebrity in the literary 
 world, and yet had addressed a post letter to another friend with this super- 
 scription : — 
 
 " This is for David Pollock, 'squire ; 
 In Elm Com-t, Temple, pray inquire 
 On the ground floor, and look no higher 
 
 To catch him. 
 He'll pay you twopence for this letter. 
 He never did so for a better ; 
 But if he should remain your debto"^. 
 Do watch hiin," 
 
ABOUT MEN OF LETTERS. 
 
 AN EMENDATION. 
 The poet Rogers remarked- on one occasion : — I never derived any benefit 
 from the strictures of a critic but once, and that was on the occasion of an 
 alliteration which I had not premeditated. The second canto of the "Plea- 
 sures of Memory," as published in the first edition, commenced with the 
 lines, — 
 
 " Sweet Memory, wafted by thy gentle gale, 
 Oft up the tide of Time I turn my sail." 
 
 The critic remarked on this passage that it suggested the alliteration — 
 " Oft up the tide of Time I turn my tail" 
 
154 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 About jPlays and Players. 
 
 IN HIS OWN HANDS. 
 
 MOORE records what Foote^ said to a clergyman, a very dirty fellow, who 
 was boasting of his agricultural labours: "Oh, it's easy to see, sir, you 
 keep your glebe in your own han(Js." 
 
 NO WONDER. 
 Another witticism of Foote's, also recorded by Moore : — " Why are you for 
 ever humming that air?" '* Because it haunts me. " " No wonder, for you 
 are for ever murdering it."^ 
 
 NO HARM IN IT. 
 
 A third witticism of Foote, also recorded by Moore: — His saying to a 
 canting sort of lady that asked him, "Pray, Mr Foote, do you ever go to 
 church ?" *' No, madam ; not that I see any harm in it." 
 
 THEY STAYED DOWN. 
 
 The then Duke of Cumberland (the foolish Duke, as he was called) came 
 one night into Foote's green-room at the Haymarket Theatre. "Well, 
 Foote," said he, "here I am, ready, as usual, to swallow all your good 
 things." "Upon my soul," replied Foote, "your Royal Highness must 
 have an excellent digestion, for you never bring any up again." Rogers tells 
 this story. 
 
 1 Samuel Foote, comedian; 6. 1720, d. 1777. 
 
 2 Fanny Kemble writes: — My music master was a worthy old Englishman of the name of 
 Shaw, who played on the violin, and had been at one time leader of the orchestra at Covent 
 Garden Theatre. Indeed, it was to him that John Kemhle addressed the joke (famous, 
 because in his mouth unique) upon the subject of a song in the piece of " Coeur de Lion." 
 This Mr Shaw was painfully endeavouring to teach my uncle, who was entirely without 
 musical ear, and whose all but insuperable difficulty consisted in repeating a few bars of 
 the melody supposed to be sung xander his prison window by his faithful minstrel, Blondin. 
 " Mr Kemble, Mr Kemble ! you are murdering the tune, sir ! " cried the exasperated musi- 
 cian ; to which my uncle replied, " Very well, sir ; and you are for ever beating it ! " 
 
ABOUT PLA YS AND PLA VERS. 155 
 
 WARBURTON ON SHAKESPEARE. 
 Thomas Green, writing in his Diary, says : — Mr Selwyn mentioned that 
 Foote, having received much attention from the Eton boys in showing him 
 round the College, collected them about him in the quadrangle, and said, 
 " Now, young gentlemen, what can I do for you to show you how much I am 
 obliged to you?" " Tell us, Mr Foote," said the leader, " the best thing you 
 ever said." "Why," says Foote, ** I once saw a little blackguard imp of a 
 chimney-sweeper mounted on a noble steed, prancing and curveting in all 
 the pride and magnificence of nature — There, said I, goes Warburton on 
 Shakespeare." 
 
 SELLING THE TIMBER. 
 The following was told to Rogers by Murphy : — The latter, describing to 
 Foote some remarks made by Garrick on Lacy's love of money, as a mere 
 attempt to cover his own parsimony by throwing it on his fellow-patentee, had 
 ended with the old question of, '' Why on earth didn't Garrick take the beam 
 out of his own eye before attacking the mote in other people's ?" '' He is not 
 sure," said Foote, " of selling the timber." 
 
 SENDING ROUND THE HAT. 
 
 Rogers was fond of relating the following, which he told with infinite 
 humour: — At the Chapter coffee-house, Foote and his friends were making a 
 contribution for the relief of a poor fellow, a decayed player, who was nick- 
 named the " Captain of the Four Winds," because his hat was worn into four 
 spouts. Each person of the company dropped his mite into the hat as it was 
 held •ut to him. ** If Garrick hears of this," exclaimed Foote, " he will cer- 
 tainly send us his hat. " 
 
 A PRECAUTION. 
 A story is told of a somewhat pompous announcement, at one of Foote's 
 dinner parties, when the Drury Lane manager was among the guests, of the 
 arrival of "Mr Garrick's servants;" whereupon, "Oh, let them wait," cried 
 the wit, adding, in an affected undertone to his own servant, but sufficiently 
 loud to be generally heard, " But, James, be sure you lock up the pantry." 
 
 GOING A LONG WAY. 
 
 Another story of Foote and Garrick (says Forster^) is of their leaving the 
 Bedford together one night when Foote had been the entertainer, and on his 
 
 1 In his Biographical and Critical Essays. 
 
iS6 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 pulling out his purse to pay the bill, a guinea had dropped. Impatient at 
 not immediately finding it, "Where on earth can it be gone to?" he said. 
 "Gone to the devil, I think," rejoined Garrick, who also had been seeking 
 for it everywhere. "Well said, David," cried Foote; "let you alone for 
 making a guinea go farther than anybody else." 
 
 HARD ON GARRICK. 
 Says Dr Johnson : — There is a witty satirical story of Foote. He had a 
 small bust of Garrick placed upon his bureau. " You may be surprised," said 
 he, "that I allow him to be so near my gold ; but you will observe he has no 
 hands." 
 
 EQUALLY HARD. 
 "Pray, sir, are your puppets to be as large as life?" asked a lady of 
 fashion. "Oh dear, madam, no," replied Foote ; "not much above the size 
 of Garrick. " 
 
 MUST HAVE A VENTILATOR. 
 One sultry summer night at the Haymarket (says Forster) the Lying Valet 
 had been put up after the Devil iLjion Two Sticks to please Garrick, and the 
 satisfied little manager has called in at the gi-een-room with a triumphant, 
 "Well, Sam, so you are taking up, I see, with my farces, after all !" where- 
 upon Foote cannot but throw in this drop of allaying Tiber : ** Why, yes, 
 David, what could I do better ? I must have some ventilator this intolerably 
 hot weather." 
 
 THE MEANING OF IDEA. 
 One of Mrs Montagu's blue-stocking ladies fastened upon Foote at one of the 
 routs in Portman Square with her views of Locke on the Understanding, which 
 she protested she admired above all things ; only there was one particular 
 word very often repeated which she could not distinctly make out, and that 
 was the word (pronouncing it very long) " ide-a ; but I suppose it comes from 
 a Greek derivation." "You are perfectly right, madam," said Foote; "it 
 <;omes from the word idea-owsJci.^' "And pray, sir, what does that mean ? " 
 *'T])e feminine of idiot, madam." 
 
 A GOOD REASON. 
 A pompous person, who had made a large fortune as a builder, was holding 
 forth on the mutability of the world. "Can you account for it, sir?" said 
 he, turning to Foote. "Why, not very clearly, sir," said Foote; "unless we 
 €Ould suppose the world was built by contract. " 
 
ABOUT PLA YS AND PLA VERS. 157 
 
 TAKE CARE ! 
 Being in company where Hugh Kelly ^ was mightily boasting of the power 
 he had, as a reviewer, of distributing literary reputation to any extent, " Don't 
 be too prodigal of it," Foote quietly interposed, "or you may leave none for 
 yourself." 
 
 ALL THAT HAD HAPPENED. 
 Conversation turning one day on a lady having married very happily, 
 whose previous life had been of extremely doubtful complexion, some one at- 
 tributed the unexpected result to her having frankly told her husband, before 
 marriage, all that had happened. " What candour she must have had ! " was 
 the general remark upon this — "what honesty !" "Yes," said Foote, "and 
 what an amazing memory !" 
 
 LONG DRAWN OUT. 
 
 A stately and silly country squire was regaling a large party with the num- 
 ber of fashionable folk he had visited that morning. " And among the rest," 
 he said, "I called upon my good friend the Earl of Chol-mon-dely, but he 
 was not at home. " "That is exceedingly surprising," said Foote. "Whatl 
 nor none of his pe-o-ple ?" 
 
 VERY SMALL. 
 When Foote dined in Paris with Lord Stormont, that thrifty Scotch peer, 
 then ambassador, as usual produced his wine in the smallest of decanters, and 
 dispensed it in the smallest of glasses, enlarging all the time on its exquisite 
 growth and enormous age. ** It is very little of its age," said Foote, holding 
 up his diminutive glass. 
 
 HIS WEAKEST PART. 
 No one could so promptly overthrow an assailant ; so quietly rebuke an 
 avarice or meanness ; so effectually "abate and dissolve" any ignorant affec- 
 tation or pretension, as Foote. " Why do you attack my weakest part ?" he 
 asked of one who had raised a laugh against what Johnson calls his depedi- 
 tatioL ; "did I ever say anything about your head ?" 
 
 TAKING HIMSELF OFF. 
 Whilst Foote was one night at his friend Delaval's, and when the glass had 
 b'icn circulating freely, one of the party would suddenly have fixed a quarrel 
 
 1 The dramatist; &. 1739, d. m7. 
 
1 58 TREASUR V OF MODERN ANECDO TE. 
 
 upon Foote for liis indulgence of personal satire. "Why, what would you 
 have?" exclaimed Foote, good-humouredly putting it aside; "of course I 
 take all my friends off, but I use them no worse than myself; I take 7)iyself 
 off." "Gad so!" cried the malcontent, "that I should like to see;" upon 
 which Foote took up his hat and left the room. 
 
 AD HOMINEM. 
 
 At one of Macklin's absurd Lectures on the Ancients, the lecturer was 
 solemnly composing himself to begin, when a buz of laughter from where 
 Foote stood ran through the room, and Macklin,^ thinking to throw the 
 laugher off his guard, and effectually for that night disarm his ridicule, turned 
 to him with this question, in his most severe and pompous manner — ** Well, 
 sir, you seem to be very merry there ; but do you know what I am going to 
 say, now?" "No, sir," at once replied Foote; "pray, do you?" 
 
 HE KNEW TPIE COMPANY. 
 Foote was taken one day into White's Club by a friend who wanted to write 
 a note. Standing in a room among strangers, and men he had no agreement 
 with in politics, he appeared to feel not quite at ease; when Lord Carmarthen, 
 Avishing to relieve his embarrassment, went up to speak to him, but, himself 
 feeling rather shy, merely said, " Mr Foote, your handkerchief is hanging out 
 of your pocket." Whereupon Foote, looking round suspiciously, and hurriedly 
 thrusting the handkerchief back into his pocket, replied, " Thank you, my 
 lord, thank you : you know the company better than I do. " 
 
 ON ATTORNEYS. 
 Foote's jokes against attorneys would fill a volume ; but space may be s-pared 
 for the grave communication he made to a simple country farmer who had just 
 buried a rich relation, an attorney, and who was complaining to him of the 
 very great expenses of a country funeral, in respect to carriages, hatbands, 
 scarves, &c. "Why, do you bury your attorneys here ?" asked Foote. "Yes, 
 to be sure we do; how else ?" " Oh! we never do that in London." "No!" 
 said the other, much surprised; "how do you manage?" "Why, wh ' the 
 patient happens to die, we lay him out in a room overnight by himsef ^^lock 
 the door, throw open the sash, and in the morning he is entirely off." 'In- 
 deed!" said the other, with amazement, "what becomes of him?" " -Vhy, 
 that we cannot exactly tell ; all we know is, there's a strong smell of brimsvone 
 in the room the next morning. " 
 
 1 Charles Macklin, author of The Man of the World. 
 
ABOUT PLA YS AND PL A VERS. 159 
 
 IN THE FIRE. 
 Much bored by a pompous physician at Bath, who confided to him, as a 
 great secret, that he had a mind to publish his own poems, but had so many 
 irons in the fire he really did not well know what to do — " Take my advice, 
 doctor," says Foote, "and put your poems where your irons are." 
 
 NINE AND ONE. 
 
 Foote was not less distressed on another occasion by a mercantile man of 
 his acquaintance, who had also not only written a poem, but exacted a promise 
 that he would listen to it, and who mercilessly stopped to tax him with 
 inattention even before advancing beyond the first pompous line — " Hear me, 
 O Phoebus, and ye Muses nine!" "Pray, pray be attentive, Mr Foote." " I 
 am," said Foote; '•'nine and one are ten; go on !" 
 
 WHICH WAS IT ? 
 
 Sir George Beaumont (says Rogers) once met Quin^ at a very small dinner- 
 party. There was a delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pushing 
 the dish towards Quin, begged him to taste. A gentleman had just before 
 helped himself to an immense piece of it. " Pray," said Quin, looking first at 
 the gentleman's plate and then at the dish, "which is the pudding?" 
 
 A MUDDLE. 
 
 Lord William Lennox says : — A story is told of Quin, when acting Judge 
 Balance in the "Recruiting Officer," who thus addressed Mrs Woffington, 
 " Sylvia, what age were you when your dear mother married ? " The actress 
 remained silent, when Quin proceeded, *' I ask what age you were when your 
 mother was born?" **I regret," replied Sylvia, "I cannot answer your 
 question ; but I can tell you how old I was when my mother died." 
 
 HE KNEW HIM PERFECTLY. 
 
 The following story (says Barham) was told me as a fact by George Ray- 
 mond : — Yates (the weU-known actor and manager of the Adelphi Theatre) 
 met a friend from Bristol, in the street, whom he well recollected as having 
 been particularly civil to his wife and himself when at that town, in which 
 the gentleman was a merchant. Yates, who at that time lived at the Adelphi 
 Theatre, invited his friend to dinner, and made a party, among whom were 
 Hook and Mathews, to meet him. On reaching home he told his wife what 
 
 1 James Quin ; h. 1693, d. 1766. 
 
i6o TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 he had done, describing the gentleman, and calling to her mind how often 
 they had been at his house near the cathedral. " I remember him very well," 
 said Mrs Yates, "but I don't just now recollect his name — what is it?" 
 "Why, that is the very question I was going to ask you," returned Yates. " I 
 know the man as well as I know my own father, but for the life of me I can't 
 remember his name, and I made no attempt to ascertain it, as I made sure 
 you would recollect it !" What was to be done ? All that night and the next 
 morning they tried in vain to recover it, but the name had completely 
 escaped them. In this dilemma Yates bethought him of giving instructions 
 to their servant which he considered would solve the difficulty, and calling 
 him in told him to be very careful in asking every gentleman, as he arrived, 
 his name, and to be sure to announce it very distinctly. Six o'clock came, 
 and with it the company in succession, Hook, Mathews, and the rest — all but 
 the anonymous guest, whom Yates began to think, and almost to hope, would 
 not come at all. Just, however, before the dinner was put on the table, a 
 knock was heard, and the lad being at that moment in the kitchen, in the act 
 of carrying up a haunch of mutton which the cook had put into his hands, a 
 maid-servant went to the door, admitted the stranger, showed him upstairs, 
 and opening the drawing-room door allowed him to walk in without any 
 announcement at all. At dinner time everybody took wine with the unknown, 
 addressing him as "Sir," — "A glass of wine, sir?" — "Shall I have the honour, 
 sir?" &c., but nothing transpired to let out the name, though several round- 
 about attempts were made to get at it. The evening passed away, and the 
 gentleman was highly delighted with the company ; but about half-past ten 
 o'clock he looked at his watch and rose abruptly, saying, " Faith, I must be 
 oft' or I shall get shut out, for I am going to sleep at a friend's, in the Tower, 
 who starts for Bristol with me in the morning. They close the gates at eleven 
 precisely, and I shan't get in if I am a minute after, so good-bye at once. Be 
 sure you come and see me whenever you visit Bristol. " " Depend on me, my 
 dear friend. God bless you, if you must go !" "Adieu,"' said the other; and 
 Yates was congratulating himself on having got out of so awkward a scrape, 
 when his friend popped his head back into the room, and cried hastily: " Oh, 
 by-the-bye, my dear Yates, I forgot to tell you that I bought a pretty French 
 clock as I came here to-day at Hawley's, but as it needs a week's regulating, I 
 took the liberty of giving your name, and ordering them to send it here, and 
 said that you would forward it. It is paid for." The door closed, and before 
 Yates could get it open again, the gentleman was in the hall. "Stop!" 
 screamed Yates over the balusters, "you had better write the address your- 
 self, for fear of a mistake." "No, no, I can't stop, I shall be too late : — the 
 old house, near the cathedral ; good-bye !" The street door slammed behind 
 him, and Yates went back to the company in an agony. 
 
ABOUT PLA YS AND PLA VERS. i6i 
 
 WITH TWO Fs. 
 
 Barham records a very similar story of King the actor, who, meeting an 
 old friend, whose name he coiild not recollect, took him home to dinner. By 
 way of making the discovery, he addressed him in the evening, having 
 previously made several ineffectual efforts : — " My dear sir, my friend here 
 and myself have had a dispute as to how you spell your name ; indeed, we 
 have laid a bottle of wine upon it." **0h, with two P's," was the answer, 
 which left them just as wise as before. 
 
 AS IT SHOULD BE. 
 When Compton the comedian was playing at Burton, a gentleman of the 
 same name as that town happened to be in the company. Taking a walk 
 with a friend one day, Henry Montague remarked some of the gentlemen of 
 the company embarking in a small boat, to take a little excursion up the 
 river, Mr Burton amongst the number. "Quite right," said Mr Mon- 
 tague, as the latter gentleman took his seat ; "just as it should be : Burton- 
 on-Trent!" 
 
 THE MAN WHO DIDN'T LIKE TRIPE. 
 Like Young and others, his contemporaries, [Liston^] delighted in practical 
 joking in the public streets. Walking one day through Leicester Square 
 with Mr Miller, the theatrical bookseller of Bow Street, Listen (says Planch^) 
 happened to mention casually that he was going to have tripe for dinner, a 
 dish of which he was particularly fond. Miller, who hated it, said, " Tripe ! 
 Beastly stuff! How can you eat it?" This was enough for Listen. He 
 stopped suddenly in the crowded thoroughfare in front of Leicester House, 
 and holding Miller by the arm, exclaimed, in a loud voice, ' ' What, sir ! Do 
 you mean to assert that you don't like tripe ?" " Hush ! " muttered Miller; 
 "don't talk so loud ; people are staring at us." " I ask you, sir," continued 
 Liston in louder tones, " do you not like tripe ?" " For heaven's sake, hold 
 your tongue ! " cried Miller ; " you'll have a crowd round us." And naturally 
 people began to stop and wonder what was the matter. This was exactly 
 what Liston wanted, and again he shouted, " Do you mean to say you don't 
 like tripe?" Miller, making a desperate effort, broke from him, and hurried 
 in consternation through Cranbourne Alley, followed by Liston, bawling 
 after him, "There he goes! — that's the man who doesn't like tripe!" — to the 
 Immense amusement of the numerous passengers, many of whom recognized 
 the popular comedian ; but the horrified bookseller took to his heels and ran, 
 
 1^ John Listou, comedian; b. 1776, d. 1846. 
 L 
 
i62 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 as if for his life, up Long Acre to Bow Street, pursued to his doorstep by a 
 pack of young ragamuffins, who took up the cry, "There he goes ! — The man 
 that don't like tripe !" 
 
 SO MUCH OBLIGED TO HIM. 
 
 One of the noblest tragedians on the stage, and a most perfect gentleman in 
 private society, Young^ (says Planch e) was an irrepressible /arcewr, constantly 
 playing, with imperturbable gravity, the most whimsical pranks in public. 
 He undertook to drive Charles Mathews {fits) to Cassiobury on a visit to the 
 Earl of Essex. Having passed through a turnpike and paid the toll, lie 
 pulled up at the next gate he came to, and, addressing himself most politely 
 to a woman who issued from the toll-house, inquired if Mr , the toll- 
 taker, whose name he saw on the board above the door, happened to be in the 
 way. The woman answered that he was not in the house, but she would send 
 for him, if the gentleman wished to see him particularly. "Well, I'm sorry 
 to trouble you, madam, but I certainly should like to have a few minutes' 
 conversation with him, " rejoined Young. Upon which the woman called to 
 a little boy, ** Tommy, run and tell your father a gentleman wants to speak 
 to him. " Away ran Tommy, down a straight, long path in the grounds of a 
 nursery-and-seedsman, the entrance to which was close to the turnpike, — 
 Young sitting bolt upright in the tilbury, to the astonishment of Mathews, 
 who asked him what on earth he wanted with the man. * ' I want to consult 
 him on a matter of business," was the reply. After some five or six minutes, 
 the boy, who had entered a building at the extreme end of the path, re- 
 appeared, followed by a man pulling on his jacket as he walked, and in due 
 time both of them stood beside the tilbury. The man touched his hat to 
 
 Young. " You wished to see me, sir ? " *' Are you Mr ? " ' * Yes, sir. " 
 
 " The Mr who is entrusted to take the toll at this gate ? " ** Yes, sir." 
 
 "Then you are precisely the person who can give me the information I 
 
 require. You see, Mr , I paid sixpence at the gate at , and the 
 
 man who took it gave me this little piece of paper " (producing a ticket from 
 his waistcoat pocket), "and assured me that if I showed it to the proper 
 authorities at this gate I should be allowed to drive through without pay- 
 ment." "Why, of course," said the man, staring with amazement at Young, 
 "that ticket clears this gate." "Then you do not require me to pay any- 
 thing here ? " " No ! Why, any fool — " " My dear Mr , I'm so much 
 
 obliged to you. I should have been so sorry to have done anything wrong, 
 and therefore wished to have your opinion on the subject. A thousand 
 
 1 Charles Mayne Yoiuig, tragedian; 7). 1777, (?. 1856. 
 
ABOUT PLA YS AND PLA VERS. 163 
 
 thanks. Good morning, Mr ." And on drove Young, followed, as the 
 
 reader may easily imagine, by a volley of imprecations and epithets of any- 
 thing but a flattering description, so long as he was within hearing. 
 
 AN INTIMATE CONNECTION. 
 Young (says Planche) was a special favourite with the late Lord Essex, and 
 they were so much together, and on such familiar terms, that Poole, being 
 asked what Englishmen he had seen in Paris, said, "Only Lord Young and 
 Mr Essex." 
 
 HE WOULD NOT TAKE MUSTARD. 
 The following anecdote (says J. C. Young) will illustrate the elder 
 ]\Iathews'^ morbid sensibility to things which most people would deem 
 insignificant : — He had an appointment with a solicitor. They were to meet 
 at a particular hour at a small inn in the city, where they might hope to be 
 quiet and undisturbed. Mathews arrived at the trysting-place a few minutes 
 too soon. On entering the coffee-room, he found its sole tenant a commercial 
 gentleman earnestly engaged on a round of boiled beef. Mathews sat him- 
 self down hy the fire and took up a newspaper, meaning to wile away the 
 time till his friend arrived. Occasionally he glanced from the paper to the 
 beef, and from the beef to the man, till he began to fidget and look about 
 from the top of the right-hand page to the bottom of the left in a querulous 
 manner. Then he turned the paper inside out, and, pretending to stop from 
 reading, addressed the gentleman in a tone of ill-disguised indignation, and 
 with a ghastly smile, — "I beg your pardon, sir, but I don't think you are 
 aware that you have no mustard. " The person thus addressed looked up at 
 him with evident surprise, mentally resenting his gratuitous interference with 
 his tastes, and coldly bowed. Mathews resumed his paper, and, curious to 
 see if his well-meant hint would be acted on, furtively looked round the edge 
 of his paper, and finding the plate to be still void of mustard, concluded the 
 man was deaf. So, raising his voice to a higher key, and accosting him with 
 sarcastic acerbity, he bawled out, with syllabic precision, "Are — you — a-ware 
 — sir — that — you — have — been — eat-ing — boiled — beef — with-out — mustard?" 
 Again a stiff bow, and no reply. Once more Mathews affected to read, while 
 he was really "nursing his wrath to keep it warm." At last, seeing the 
 man's obstinate violation of conventionality and good taste, he jumped up, 
 and, in the most arbitrary and defiant manner, snatched the mustard-pot out 
 of the cruet-stand, banged it on the table, under the defaulter's nose, and 
 shouted out, "Confound it, sir, you shall take mustard! " He then slapped 
 
 1 Charles Mathews, comedian; 6. 1776, d. 1S35. 
 
i64 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 his hat on his head, and ordered the waiter to show him into a private room, 
 vowing that he had never before been under the same roof with such a savage, 
 and that he had been made quite sick by the revolting sight which he had 
 seen in the coJ0fee-room. 
 
 A HORSE CUTTING ITS THROAT. 
 
 Mathews had often told Charles Kemble of the great amusement his man- 
 servant's peculiarities aflforded him, but Kemble said he had never been able 
 to discover anything in him but crass stupidity. "Ah," said Mathews, 
 ' ' you can't conceive what a luxury it is to have a man under the same roof 
 with you, who will believe anything you tell him, however impossible it may 
 be." One warm summer's day, Mathews had a dinner party at Highgate. 
 There were present, among others, Broderip, Theodore Hook, General Phipps, 
 Manners Sutton (then Speaker of the House of Commons), and Charles 
 Kemble. Dessert was laid out on the lawn. Mathews, without hinting his 
 intention, rang the bell in the dining-room, and on its being answered, told 
 the man to follow him to the stables while he gave his coachman certain 
 directions in his presence. The instant Mathews reached the stable-door, he 
 called to the coachman (who he knew was not there), looked in, and, before 
 the man-servant could come up, started back, and, in a voice of horror, cri^d 
 out, "Good heavens! go back, go back— and tell Mr Kemble that his horse 
 has cut his throat ! " The simple goose, infected by his master's well-feigned 
 panic, and never pausing to reflect on the absurdity of the thing, burst on to 
 the lawn, and, with cheeks blanched with terror, roared out, "Mr Kemble, 
 sir, you're wanted directly!" Seeing Mr Kemble in no hurry to move, he 
 repeated his appeal with increased emphasis, ' * For heaven's sake, sir, come : 
 your poor horse has cut his throat ! " 
 
 HE DINED AT THREE. 
 Compton (says one of his sons^) had a remarkable knack of saying things 
 that were not especially funny in themselves in a way that made them appear 
 remarkably so. The utter absence of any effort to be "droll," produced an 
 effect altogether superior to the comic remarks of the habitual joker. For 
 instance, one day he was walking home through Kensington Gardens, and he 
 met a friend, a clergyman who lived near him, and they fell into conversation. 
 Presently Compton said rather abruptly, "Well, I can't stop talking any 
 longer, as it's nearly three, and I dine at three." "Dear me," replied the 
 clergyman, "do you, indeed?" "Yes, I do," rejoined Compton severely. 
 
 1 See ante, p. 147. 
 
ABOUT PLA YS AND PLA VERS. 165 
 
 "Yes, I do. Do you see anything objectionable in dining at three ? " "Oh, 
 not at all," answered the clergyman, a little taken aback at the seriousness of 
 his companion's tone. " Is there anything about the hour that meets with, 
 your disapproval?" again asked Compton, if possible more gravely than 
 before. " No, no, not at all," stammered the other, almost afraid that he had 
 trodden on a tender corn. " / consider it a remarkably good hour," remarked 
 Compton, almost defiantly ; ' ' don't yoic ? " " Well — a — I really — " ' ' Think 
 it over, and let me know," exclaimed Compton impressively, as he grasped 
 the clergyman's hand and wrung it violently. A moment more, and the 
 comedian was striding homeward through the trees, whilst the clergyman 
 stared blankly after him with a dim notion in his mind that he had been chaffed. 
 
 LET HIM TRY HAMLET. 
 
 Compton had a wholesome horror of amateur actors, and on one occasion, 
 when an egotistical young gentleman button-holed him, to discant on acting, 
 he administered an unmistakable reproof to the presumptuous one. ' ' I am 
 anxious to become a professional now," said the young man, "for I always 
 get splendid notices, and all my friends think I should make a great hit." 
 "What line?" inquired Compton. " Well, " smiled the youth, "I play all 
 the funny parts, but I don't succeed in making my audience laugh heartily. 
 I want to make them scream as you do — to make the house ring again with 
 laughter, in fact." "Ah," dryly responded Compton, "change your line of 
 character a bit ; try Hamlet, and let me know how you succeed ! " 
 
 AN AGREEABLE LITTLE TRIFLE. 
 
 Mr Henry Irving writes of Compton : — I shall never forget the speech 
 which he made on the first hundreth night of "Hamlet," when, after the 
 performance, the event w^as celebrated by a supper given by my dear friend 
 Mr Bateman, at which a number of our friends and associates were present. 
 Mr Compton was then playing nightly the character of Sam Savory, in the 
 farce of "The Fish out of Water." This farce had preceded "Hamlet" one 
 hundred nights, and he took occasion to impress this fact upon us in the 
 following way. We were all in high spirits. Mr Bateman's health, Mr 
 Compton's, and my own were drunk amidst enthusiasm and jocularity. 
 [Compton], with his peculiar gravity, ended the reply to the toast with which 
 he was associated somewhat after this fashion : "Thank you, gentlemen, for 
 your appreciation of my efforts in that immortal drama, * The Fish out of 
 Water. ' I take this opportunity of thanking my friend Irving for the really 
 indefatigable support which he has given me in that agreeable little trifle of 
 ' Hamlet,' with which, as you know, we are in the habit of winding up the 
 evening." The burst of laughter which greeted this I shall ever remember. 
 
i66 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 NOT THE WORD. 
 
 A brother actor, who had not exactly "taken the house by storm" at his 
 first appearance in London, very stupidly asked Compton : *' Was my acting 
 good?" "Well," was the reply, delivered in his inimitable style; "hum! 
 ha ! Good is not the word ! " 
 
 AN UNHEARD-OF THING. 
 The following hon mot of Compton's has been erroneously ascribed to 
 Jerrold. Meeting a friend one day, when the weather had taken a most 
 sudden and unaccountable turn from cold to warmth, the subject was mooted 
 as usual, and characterised by the gentleman as being "most extraordinary." 
 "Yes," replied Compton, *' it is a most unheard-of thing ; we've jumped from 
 winter into summer without a spring." 
 
 A SLIGHT ALTERATION. 
 We were sitting (writes Planche) in the greenroom [at the Haymarket] one 
 evening during the performance, chatting and laughing, [Mrs Nisbett] having 
 a book in her hand which she had to take on to the stage with her in the 
 next scene, Avhen Brindal, a useful member of the company, but not par- 
 ticularly remarkable for wit and humour, came to the door, and, leaning 
 against it, in a sentimental manner, drawled out — 
 
 " If to her share some female errors fall. 
 Look on her face " i — 
 
 He paused. She raised her beautiful eyes to him, and consciously smiled ~ 
 her smile — in anticipation of the well-known complimentary termination of 
 the couplet, when, with a deep sigh, he gravely added — 
 
 " — And you'll believe them aU ! " 
 The rapid change of that radiant countenance — first to blank surprise and 
 then to fury, as, suiting the action to the look, she hurled the volume in her 
 hand at the culprit's head — was one of the most amusing sights imaginable. 
 Concentrating the verbal expression of her indignation in the word "Wretch!" 
 she burst into one of her glorious laughs, too infectious to be resisted even by 
 the contrite offender, who certainly was never, to my knowledge, guilty of 
 anything so good either before or after. 
 
 WHAT IT WANTED. 
 Planche writes of a whilom treasurer of Drury Lane : — He was a dry fellow, 
 that Billy Dunn — a great character. During the many years he was treasurer 
 
 1 Pope, Bape of the Lock, canto ii. 
 
ABOUT PLA YS AND PLA YERS. 167 
 
 of Drury Lane, I don't suppose he once witnessed a performance ; but regularly- 
 after the curtain had fallen on a new piece, it mattered not of what description, 
 he would let himself through with his pass-key from the front of the house, as 
 if he had sat it out, and on being asked his opinion, invariably answered, after 
 a long pause and a proportionate pinch of snuff, "Wants cutting." 
 
 A DELIBERATE ANSWER. 
 Writing of the same individual, Planche says : — The trouble of extracting a 
 direct reply from him, at any time or concerning anything, was remarkable, 
 I called one morning at the theatre, on my way to the city, to ask him a 
 question about writing orders on some particular night. I was told he was in 
 the treasury ; accordingly ran up to it. He was alone at his desk counting 
 cheques. " Would there be any objections, Dunn, to my sending a friend or 
 two to the boxes on such a night ? " He looked at me, but made no answer, 
 and continued to count his cheques. I waited patiently''till he had finished 
 and replaced them in the bags. Still no answer. He turned to his books. 
 I waited perhaps five more minutes, and then, without repeating my inquiry, 
 or speaking another word, walked quietly out of the room and went about my 
 other business. Returning between two and three in the afternoon, I ascer- 
 tained from the hall-keeper that Mr Dunn was still in the theatre. I 
 mounted the stairs again, entered the treasury, and found him, as before, 
 alone. I stood perfectly silent while he looked at me, and took the customary 
 pinch of snuff, after which he drawled out, '*No, I should think not;" some 
 four hours having elapsed since I asked him the question. 
 
 OBLEEGE AND OBLIGE. 
 
 John Kemble (says Gronow) had the honour of giving the Prince of Wales 
 some lessons in elocution. According to the vitiated pronunciation of the 
 day, the prince, instead of saying " oblige," would say "obleege;" upon which 
 Kemble, with much disgust depicted upon his countenance, said — " Sir, may 
 I beseech your Royal Highness to open your royal jaws and say ' oblige ?'" 
 
 HIS HONOUR. 
 
 Lord William Lennox narrates a smart saying of Henry Harris, for many 
 years manager of Covent Garden Theatre. An actor of the name of Faulkner, 
 who had recently arrived from the provinces, made his appearance on the 
 metropolitan boards as Octavio in " The Mountaineers. " The anxious manager 
 was at th(! wing watching the performance, and when Faulkner exclaimed, 
 in a deep guttural tone, "Oh! where is my honour now?" replied, " I wish 
 your honour was back at Newcastle again with all my heart." 
 
i68 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 "THEY SAY." 
 Mrs Powell (then Mrs Renaud), a beautiful woman, and an actress of the 
 old school, succeeded Mrs Siddons in many of her characters. She was anxious 
 (says Planchfe) to conceal her second marriage, not from any unworthy motive, 
 but for private family reasons. An actress in the Covent Garden company, 
 who bore by courtesy the name of one of the performers, and had become 
 acquainted with the fact, maliciously addressed her one night in the green- 
 room, before a numerous assemblage of actors and visitors, thus: — "Mrs 
 Powell, everybody says you are married." " Indeed !" retorted Mrs Renaud, 
 coldly; " everybody says you are not." 
 
 TERRI-BLE. 
 
 Miss M. Tree's Clari (says Lord "Wm. Lennox) was perfection; and this 
 reminds of an anecdote. Daniel Terry, the comedian, and friend of Walter 
 Scott, was one evening in the greenroom of Covent Garden Theatre, when the 
 question of casting this popular drama in some anticipated trip to the provinces 
 was discussed, "I suppose," said Terry, in his harsh voice, "I must become 
 the tender father, and study the part of Rolamo." "I hope you will," re- 
 sponded Harley, who happened to have paid a visit to the rival establishment, 
 "for if you are not cZan-fied, I know full well that Maria Tree will be 
 <erri-fied. " 
 
 ANY SIDE-US. 
 
 Macready once told a story of George B , the actor, who, it seems, was 
 
 not popular in the profession, being considered a sort of time-server : " There 
 goes Georgius," said some one. "Not Georgium Sidus," replied Keeley. 
 "Yes," added Power, ^ "Georgium ^wy-sidus." 
 
 "THE DAY OF JUDGMENT." 
 The following anecdote is Planchfe's : — An Easter piece on the subject of 
 "Oberon" had been rushed out at Drury Lane in anticipation of Weber's 
 opera, and, in addition to this. Bishop was engaged to write an opera in 
 opposition to it, the libretto by George Soane being founded on the popular 
 story of "Aladdin and the Wonderful Lamp." It was not very favourably 
 received, and the delicious warbling of Miss Stephens could not secure for it 
 more than a lingering existence of a few nights. Tom Cooke, the leader of 
 the orchestra at Drury Lane, one of the cleverest of musicians and most 
 amusing of men, met Braham in Bow Street, and asked him how his opera 
 
 ^ See p. 120. 
 
ABOUT PLA YS AND FLA VERS. 169 
 
 ("Oberon") was going. "Magnificently!" replied the tenor, and added, 
 with a fit of what he used to call enthoosemusy, " not to speak it profanely, 
 it will run to the Day of Judgment ! " "My dear fellow," rejoined Cooke, 
 *' that's nothing ! Ours has run five nights afterwards !" 
 
 UNFRIENDLY ECHOES. 
 An amateur named Plunkett was acting in Dublin as Richard III. The 
 audience (says Macready) were in tits of laughter from the beginning to the 
 end. When he said in Gloster's soliloquy, "Why, I can smile, and murder 
 while I smile," the response from the pit was, " Oh, by the Powers, you can !" 
 To his question, "Am I then a man to be beloved?" voices answered, "Indeed, 
 then, you are not ! " 
 
 A KINDLY INDIVIDUAL. 
 Macready writes: — I remember on one occasion acting in "Venice 
 Preserved. " A long and rather drowsy dying speech of my poor friend Jaffier 
 was "dragging its slow length along," when one of the gallery, in a tone of 
 great impatience, called out very loudly, "Ah, now, die at once;" to which 
 another from the other side immediately replied, "Be quiet, you black- 
 guard;" then, turning with a patronising tone to the lingering JaflB.er, "take 
 your time !" 
 
 LET HIM DO IT. 
 An actor named Beaubourg, who was extremely ugly, acted Mithridate, and 
 in one scene Mademoiselle Le Couvreur, who represented Moncine, has to say, 
 " Seigneur, vous changez de oisage." " Laissez le faire !" cried one from the 
 pit. 
 
 IT WAS HIGH TIME. 
 
 In the "Eevue des Theatres" (1753), De Chevrier the author introduced 
 a danseuse ; she arrived just at the moment the piece was flagging. 
 
 " Quel motif en ces lieux vous fait porter vos pas ?" 
 demanded the performer acting the part of the critic, when she replied, 
 
 " Je vieiis tirer un auteur d'embarras." 
 " Ma foi, 11 etait temps," shouted one from the stalls. 
 
 TIRED OF SANCHO. 
 
 In a play entitled " Sancho Panza," the Duke has to say, " I'm beginning 
 to get tired of Sancho." "And so are we," shouted voices from the pit, which 
 immediately put an end to the performance. 
 
I70 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 FOR THE PROVINCES. 
 TalmS; soon after his return to Paris, where the playgoers were angry at 
 his long absence, performed "Coriolanus" at the Theatre Fran9aise, and 
 when he came to the line — 
 
 Adieu Rome ; je pars — 
 A sharp voice called out from the "parterre — 
 
 Pour les departments — 
 which (says Jerdan) set the house in a roar. 
 
 A HAPPY QUOTATION. 
 During the performance of " Andronicus," selected for the dihut of an actor 
 from Lille, the unfortunate man, who had signally failed in the early part of 
 the play, had to deliver the following line : — 
 
 "Mais pour raa fuite, ami, quel parti dois-je prendre ?" 
 In reply a voice from the front exclaimed : — 
 
 " L'ami, prenez la poste et retournez en Flandre,"— 
 a verse taken (says Lord William Lennox) from ''La Fille Capitaine," in 
 which Angelique has to say : — 
 
 "Demain je prends la poste et je retoume en Flandre." 
 
 "NOW THEN, FANNY!" 
 Fanny Kemble says in her Memoirs : — When I was acting Lady Townley, 
 in the scene where her husband complains of her late hours and she insolently 
 retorts, ** I won't come home till four to-morrow morning," and receives the 
 startling reply with which Lord Townley leaves her, "Then, madam, you 
 shall never come home again," I was apt to stand for a moment aghast at this 
 threat ; and one night during this pause of breathless dismay, one of the 
 gallery auditors, thinking, I suppose, that I was wanting in proper spirit not 
 to make some rejoinder, exclaimed, *'Now then, Fanny !" which very nearly 
 upset the gravity produced by my father's impressive exit, both in me and in 
 the audience. 
 
 "LE MEURT SE ROI!" 
 
 The French stage (says Button Cook) has a story of a figurant who ruined 
 at once a new tragedy and his own prospects by an unhappy lapsus liriguce, 
 the result of undue haste and nervous excitement. He had but to cry, aloud, 
 in the crisis of the drama : " Le roi se meurt ! " He was perfect at rehearsal ; 
 he earned the applause even of the author. A brilliant future, as he deemed, 
 was open to him. But at night he could only utter in broken tones, " Le 
 meurt se roi !" and the tragic situation was dissolved in laughter. 
 
ABOUT PLA YS AND PLA VERS. 171 
 
 "DON": THROW HIM OVER, BUT—" 
 J. T. Fields describes the following little incident which, he says, Charlotte 
 Cushman once related to him. She said a man in the gallery of a theatre (I 
 think she was on the stage at the time) made such a disturbance that the 
 play could not proceed. Cries of " Throw him over" arose from all parts of 
 the house, and the noise became furious. All was tumultuous chaos, until a 
 sweet and gentle female voice was heard in the pit, exclaiming, " No ! I pray 
 you don't throw him over ! I beg of you, dear friends, don't throw him over, 
 but— kill him where he is." 
 
 SOMEWHAT MIXED. 
 
 Among the numerous instances in which the lapsus linguce of performers 
 have convulsed the audiences with laughter, may be mentioned that which 
 occurred to the inimitable Mrs Davenport as Mrs Heidelberg in the "Clandes- 
 tine Marriage," who said "she had the keys of her pocket in the cupboard." 
 
 A LEGEND. 
 
 In our own theatre (says the same writer), there is the established legend of 
 Delphini, the Italian clown, who, charged to exclaim, at a critical moment, 
 '* Pluck them asunder!" could produce no more intelligible speech than 
 ' ' Massunder em plocket ! " Much mirth in the house and dismay on the stage 
 ensued. 
 
 A VARIATION. 
 
 An item in Moore's Diary : — Told of the actor saying by mistake — 
 
 "How sharper than a serpent's thanks it is 
 To have a toothless child." i 
 
 AN ANCIENT STORY. 
 
 Another story by Moore : — I mentioned the actor who could never be got 
 to say, " Stand by, and let the coffin pass," but instead of it always said, 
 "Stand by, and let the parson cough." 
 
 ANOTHER VARIATION. 
 An actress playing the Countess in the "Stranger," when Mrs Haller in- 
 quired if she ever heard of the Countess Walburg, instead of giving the 
 author's words, " I have heard of such a wretch at a neighbouring Court; she 
 
 See King iMir, act i., scene 4. 
 
172 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 left her husband and fled with a villain," replied, "I 'ave 'card of sitch a 
 wretch at a neighbouring 'ouse; she left 'er 'usband and ran away with a 
 blackguard." 
 
 AN ACCOMMODATING MAN. 
 It would almost seem that there are some performers whom it is quite vain 
 to prompt : it is safer to let them alone, doing what they list, lest bad should 
 be made worse. Something of this kind (says Button Cook) happened once 
 in the case of a certain Marcellus. Hamlet demands of Horatio concerning 
 the ghost of "buried Denmark," ** Stayed it long?" Horatio answers, 
 "While one with moderate haste might tell a hundred." Marcellus should 
 add, " Longer, longer." But the Marcellus of this special occasion was mute. 
 "Longer, longer," whispered the prompter. Then out spoke Marcellus to 
 the consternation of his associates, "Well, say two hundred!" 
 
 "THOUGHT HE WAS!" 
 Another disconcerted performer (says the same authority) must have been 
 the provincial Richard III., to whom the RatclifFe of the theatre — who 
 ordinarily played harlequin, and could not enter without something of that 
 tripping and twirling gait peculiar to pantomime — brought the information 
 long before it was due, that "the Duke of Buckingham is taken!" "Not 
 yet, you fool," whispered Richard. "Beg pardon; thought he was," cried 
 Harlequin Ratcliffe, as, carried away by his feelings and the force of habit, 
 he threw what tumblers call "a catherine-wheel," and made a rapid exit. 
 
 A COUPLE. 
 
 A novice who had merely to say, " Sonnez trompettes," was so nervous that 
 he exclaimed, "Trompez sonnettes." Another, instead of saying, "C'en est 
 fait, il est mort," blurted out, " C'en est mort, il est fait." 
 
 THE REVERSE. 
 An actress who was representing Agrippine had to say, " Avec Claude dans 
 mon lit, et Rome a mes genouxl" instead of which she exclaimed, amidst a 
 breathless silence, " Avec Rome dans mon lit, et Claude k mes genoux !" 
 
 WHAT DID HE DO? 
 
 At the Comedie Frangaise, one of the principal artists in a tragedy stopped 
 short after delivering the following line, "I was in Rome, where — " when, 
 finding the prompter not at all disposed to help him out of his difficulty, he 
 turned to him and exclaimed, with the utjnost dignity, "Well, you varlet, 
 what did I do in Rome ? " 
 
ABOUT PLA YS AND PLA VERS. 173 
 
 "THAT GENTLEMAN." 
 At Luneville, when **La Melanide" was performed, the actor who re- 
 presented Darviam quite forgot the words at an important crisis, namely, 
 when declaring his love, but the prompter came to his assistance, and in a 
 loud tone repeated them. With the utmost coolness the actor turned to the 
 actress, to whom he was paying addresses, and said, "Yes, as that gentleman 
 has told you, &c." 
 
 THEY HAD CUT HIM OUT. 
 
 Here (says Button Cook) is a story of a sotto voce communication which 
 must have gravely troubled its recipient. A famous Lady Macbeth, "starring" 
 in America, had been accidentally detained on her journey to a remote theatre. 
 She arrived in time only to change her dress rapidly, and hurry on the scene. 
 The performers were all strangers to her. At the conclusion of her fii'st 
 soliloquy, a messenger should enter to announce the coming of King Duncan. 
 But what was her amazement to hear, in answer to her demand, "What is 
 your tidings?" not the usual reply, "The king comes here to-night," but 
 the whisper, spoken from behind a Scotch bonnet, upheld to prevent the 
 words reaching the ears of the audience, "Hush, I'm Macbeth. We've cut 
 the messenger out — go on, please ! " 
 
 AN UNEXPECTED ELEVATION. 
 A good story is told of a rich banker at Paris, who, though a sexagenarian, 
 fancied himself a perfect Adonis, and was always behind the scenes, hanging 
 about, and making love to Mademoiselle Saulnier, to whom the machinist of 
 the Opera House was paying his addresses. Determined to be revenged, and 
 profiting by the moment when his rival, in uttering soft nonsense, had in- 
 advertently placed his foot upon a cloud, the machinist gave a whistle, which 
 was the signal for raising the cloud, and when the curtain was drawn up, the 
 audience (says Lord William Lennox) were not a little edified at seeing the 
 banker, with powdered head, and gorgeously attired in evening costume, 
 embroidered coat and waistcoat, ascending to the clouds by the side of 
 Minerva, represented by the object of his devotion. 
 
 SHORN OF HIS TRESSES. 
 Upon another occasion (says the same writer), in the days of pigtails, 
 when an elderly gentleman, with French gallantry, was stooping down to 
 present an actress with a bouquet and kiss her hand, she was suddenly told 
 the stage was waiting; off she ran, and appeared before the audience uncon- 
 scious that her aged admirer's wig had fallen off and clung to the spangles of 
 
174 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 lier dress. Loud was the laughter of those in front, and louder still was it 
 when the bald-headed victim appeared at the wing shorn of his capillary 
 ornament. 
 
 A NEW READING. 
 Charles Kean told J. C. Young that, when he (Kean) was fulfilling an 
 engagement at Dublin, Lord Normanby, then Lord Lieutenant, asked him 
 to dine and accompany him to some private theatricals, in which an amateur 
 of original powers was to play the part of Hamlet. He was said to have 
 thrown new light on obscure passages. The following Charles Kean gave 
 Young as a specimen of his inventive faculty : — 
 
 " The spirit that I have seen 
 May be a devil ; and the devil hath power 
 To assume a pleasing shape ; yea, and perhaps 
 Out of my weakness and my melancholy 
 (As he is very j)otent with such spirits) 
 Abuses me to damn me." ^ * 
 
 As an improvement on the hackneyed traditional delivery of the last line, he 
 rendered it thus : — 
 
 " Out of my weakness and my melancholy 
 
 (As he is very potent with such spirits) 
 
 Abuses me, too,— Damn me ! " 
 
 ANOTHER. 
 I remember on one occasion (says Lord William Lennox) being present at 
 an amateur performance, when the ** Lady of Lyons " was represented. The 
 gentleman who acted Claude Melnotte had evidently studied in the Edmund 
 Ivean school, and, like that celebrated tragedian, had a trick of dividing his 
 words ; such as converting " I am your prisoner," into " I am your pris-oner." 
 In the scene where Claude hears from Damas that Pauline is faithless, and 
 
 has to say, 
 
 " One gleam of sunshine, 
 And the ice breaks, and I am lost ! Oh, Damas," 
 
 the unfortunate amateur laid a slight stress upon the first syllable of his 
 friend's name, and no efi'ect was produced. When, however, he got more 
 impassioned and declaimed the lines, "When first I lost her, Damas," he, 
 wishing to make a Kean hit, divided the word Dam-a, and dropping the last 
 letter delivered it in a way that sounded very like a denunciation, which, 
 according to the magisterial penalty for an oath, would have cost him five 
 shillings. 
 
 ' See Hamlet, act ii., scene 2. 
 
ABOUT PLA YS AND PLA VERS. 175 
 
 '♦HE WOULD FIND IT ALL RIGHT." 
 
 [On one occasion, when *'Virgmius" was being performed] my unhappy 
 temper (says Macready) was severely tried in the third act of the play, where 
 Siccius Dentatus should be discovered on a bier with a company of soldiers 
 mourning over it. I saw the old man, who represented the Roman Achilles, 
 lying on the ground, and two men standing near. This was too absurd, the 
 body having to be borne off in sight of the audience. I positively refused to 
 go on. " Oh pray, sir," urged the manager, *' go on; the men have rehearsed 
 the scene, and you'll find it all right. " In vain I represented that the men 
 could not carry off the old man. "Oh yes, indeed, sir," reiterated the 
 manager; "they perfectly understand it." There was nothing for it but 
 submission. After some delay, the scene was drawn up and disclosed the 
 scene as described. On I went, and uttered my lamentation over the prostrate 
 veteran; but when I gave the order, " Take up the body and bear it to the 
 camp," to my agony and horror the two men, stooping down, put an ami 
 underneath the shoulder of the dead Dentatus, raised him to his feet, he pre- 
 serving a corpse-like rigidity, his eyes closed and his head thrown back, and 
 arm in arm the trio walked off at the opposite side of the stage, amid roars of 
 laughter from the convulsed spectators. 
 
 STAND A LITTLE 'BACCA. 
 
 Barham tells the following anecdote of Phil Stone, the property-man of 
 Drury Lane. "Will you be so good, sir, as to stand a little backer?" said 
 Phil to a gentleman behind the scenes who had placed himself so forward as 
 to be seen by the audience. " No, my fine fellow," returned the exquisite, 
 who quite mistook his meaning ; " but here is a pinch of snulf at your service." 
 
 WHICHEVER HE PLEASED. 
 
 On one occasion when Macready played Virginius, the actors at rehearsal 
 were greatly amused when Mr Bass as Icilius replied to the playful question 
 of Virginius — " Do you wait for me to lead Virginia in, or will you do it? " 
 " Whichever you please, sir." 
 
 MUCH OBLIGED. 
 
 Charles Kemble used to tell a story about some poor foreigner, dancer or 
 pantomimist in the country, who after many annual attempts to clear his 
 expenses, came forward one evening with a face beaming with pleasure and 
 gratitude, and addressed the audience in these words : ' ' Dear public ! moche 
 oblige. Ver good benefice — only lose half-a-crown — I come again ! " 
 
176 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 HE WAS MACREADY. 
 
 Macready has this entry in his Diary : — In the stage-coach, Captain 
 Bouchier . . talked much, . . . related many amusing stories about the 
 theatre. One of Macready, who is a good actor, but he can never play without 
 applause. He went on one night to play, and no notice was taken of him, on 
 which he said to the manager, " I cannot get on if they do not applaud me." 
 Upon which the manager went round and told the audience that Mr Macready 
 could not act if they did not applaud him. When Macready reappeared, the 
 applause was so incessant as to disconcert him, and he observed, " Why, now 
 I cannot act there is so much applause." I told him I rather discredited the 
 story. '*In short," I observed, "perhaps I ought to apologise to you for 
 allowing you to tell it without first giving you my name ; my name is 
 ]\Tacready." 
 
 THE REASON WHY. 
 
 Moore records the following as among other happy sarcasms of Redmond 
 Barry on John Crompton. He said once to Corry, who was praising Cromp- 
 ton's performance of some particular character a night or two before, " Yes, 
 he played that part pretty well ; he hadn't time to study it ! " 
 
 "SHAKES HIS HEAD." 
 
 The late Mr Charles Mathews (says Mr Walter Baynham^) used to relate 
 that on one occasion, in " The Critic," the gentleman who had rehearsed 
 Lord Burleigh's part in the morning was at night missing. "Send in any- 
 body," said the stage manager. The "anybody" was found, dressed, and 
 the book put into his hands. He read the stage direction, " Enter Lord 
 Burleigh, bows to Dangle, shakes his head, and exits." "Anybody" did 
 enter, bowed to Dangle, shook his (Dangle's) head, and made his exit. 
 
 "ST PIERRE." 
 
 An " anybody" was under similar circumstances sent on, in Knowles's play 
 of "The Wife," to say, "St Pierre waits below." He read the words, mis- 
 took the significance of the "St," and announced, "The street-pier is a- 
 waitin' below." He alleged, when remonstrated with, "It was not to be 
 expected that anyone could swallow Shakespeare only from the morniu'." 
 
 In The Theatre for 1S79. 
 
ABOUT PLA YS AND PLA YERS. 177 
 
 ASSOCIATION. 
 Mr Baynham relates how, on one occasion, Macready was victimised in 
 "Virginius." The Numitorius couldn't remember his own name. "You 
 will remember it, sir," said the tragedian, carefully pronouncing it for him, 
 "by the association of ideas. Think of Numbers, the Book of Numbers." 
 The Numitorius did think of it all day, and at night produced, through 
 the "association of ideas," the following effect: — 
 
 " ZVtimitoriiis— Where is Virginia? Wherefore do you hoi ' 
 That maiden's hand? 
 i Claudius — Who asks the question ? 
 
 Numitorius— II her uncle— Deuteronomy ! " 
 
 SLIGHTLY ALTERED. 
 I remember (says the same authority) one unfortunate young gentleman 
 who was to make his first appearance in " Richard III.," as one of the small 
 noblemen who wait on Richmond. We had a very small company, and our 
 army on the occasion was represented by one unhappy super, who stood with a 
 banner, and the characteristic " super-shivering legs." The young gentleman 
 had but to say : — 
 
 " Your words are fire, my lord, and warm our men," &c. 
 
 He was not quite perfect at rehearsal. Night came. The scene drew. " Go 
 on !" shouted the prompter. On the young gentleman was pushed. His cue 
 was given. All that stage fright would permit him to think of was one word 
 in the speech. That one word was — Fire. He looked at the shivering 
 standard-bearer, and desperately blurted out — 
 
 " If we'd afire, my lord, we'd warm our men." 
 
78 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 About Statesmen and Politicia 
 
 NS. 
 
 SINCERE FOR ONCE. 
 
 WALPOLE tells what he calls a very good-humoured story of Lord North,i 
 who was quite blind in his old age. Colonel Barre made him a visit. 
 Lord North said, " Colonel Barre, nobody will suspect us of insincerity, if we 
 .say that we should be overjoyed to see each other." 
 
 HE WOULD NOT HAVE HIS. 
 Greville records :— Tommy Townshend, a violent, foolish fellow, who was 
 always talking strong language, said in some debate, "Nothing will satisfy 
 me but to liave the noble Lord [North]'s head; I will have his head." Lord 
 North said, "The honourable gentleman says he will have my head. I bear 
 him no malice in return, for though the honourable gentleman says he will 
 have my head, I can assure him I would on no account have his. " 
 
 NOT TILL THEN. 
 The Duke of Montrose was called the *' Goose," when Lord Graham (in the 
 Rolliad). Moore says that Lord North one night, when, as usual, asleep, 
 was waked to be told that Lord Graham was going to speak. " No, no," said 
 Lord North, "he'll not speak till Michaelmas." 
 
 IF! 
 
 George the Third (says Barham) scolded Lord North for never going to the 
 concert of ancient music. "Your brother, the bishop," said the king, "never 
 misses them, my lord." "Sir," answered the premier, "if I were as deaf as 
 my brother, the bishop, I would never miss them either!" Barham adds: 
 "Told me by Doctor Blombery, who was present." 
 
 A COMPLIMENT. 
 Lord North's figure (says Mr Hayward) was certainly ill-fitted for oratorical 
 effect ; but by dint of tact, temper, and wit, he converted even his personal 
 
 1 Second Earl Guildford, and Premier; &. 1732, d. 1T92. Colonel Barre died in the 
 latter year also. 
 
ABOUT STA TESMEN AND POLITICIANS. 179 
 
 disadvantages into means of persuasion or conciliation. " One member," he 
 once said, "who spoke of me, called me 'that thing called a minister.' To 
 be sure," he said, patting his large form, "I am a thing; the member, there- 
 fore, when he called me a ' thing, ' said what was true ; and I could not be 
 angry with him. But when he added 'that thing called a minister,' he called 
 me that thing which of all things he himself most wished to be, and there- 
 fore I took it as a compliment." 
 
 TAKING HIS REMEDY. 
 With equal adroitness Lord North turned his incurable sleepiness to 
 account. "When a fiery declaimer, after calling for his head, denounced him 
 for sleeping, he complained how cruel it was to be denied a solace which other 
 criminals so often enjoyed — that of having a night's rest before their execu- 
 tion. And when a dull prosy speaker made a similar charge, he retorted that 
 it was somewhat unjust in the gentleman to blame him for taking the 
 remedy which he himself had been so considerate as to administer. 
 
 HIS CONSTITUENTS' LANGUAGE. 
 Alderman Sawbridge having accompanied the presentation of a petition 
 from Billingsgate with an invective of more than ordinary coarseness. Lord 
 North began his reply in the following words : " I cannot deny that the hon. 
 alderman speaks not only the sentiments but the very language of his con- 
 stituents." 
 
 A MISCONCEPTION. 
 Lord Shelburne^ (says Rogers) could say the most provoking things, and 
 yet appear quite unconscious of their being so. In one of his speeches, allud- 
 ing to Lord Carlisle, he said, "The noble lord has written a comedy." "No, 
 a tragedy." " Oh, I beg pardon ; I thought it was a comedy." 
 
 A CHOICE OF EVILS. 
 
 According to Young the poet, Lord Bolingbroke's father said to him on his 
 being made a lord, "Ah, Harry, I ever said you would be hanged, but now I 
 find you will be beheaded." 
 
 TRUE FORBEARANCE. 
 Mr Hayward says that the first day Shaftesbury presided as Lord Chan- 
 cellor, he gave occasion to a scene by telling the Duke of York, who had taken 
 
 1 Earl of Shelbume, and Premier; 6. 1737, d. 1805, 
 
i8o TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE, 
 
 a seat on the riglit hand of the throne, that his proper place, as only heir 
 presumptive, was on the left. The Duke submitted with a very bad grace, 
 exclaiming: "My lord, you are a rascal and a villain." To which Shaftes- 
 bury calmly replied : **I am much obliged to your royal highness for not 
 calling me likewise a coward and a Papist." 
 
 GERMAN DIGNITARIES. 
 One of Henry Fox's ^ jokes (says Raikes) was that played oflf on the late 
 
 W^^ , vsrho had a great fondness for making the acquaintance of foreigners. 
 
 He first forged a letter of recommendation to her in favour of a German noble- 
 man, the Baron von Seidlitz Powdertz, whose card was left at her door, and 
 
 for whom a dinner was immediately planned by Mrs , and an invitation 
 
 sent in form. After waiting a considerable time, no Baron appearing, the 
 dinner was served ; but during the second course a note was brought to the 
 lady of the house, with excuses from the Baron, who was unexpectedly pre- 
 vented from coming by the sudden death of his aunt, the Duchess von Epzom 
 Saltz, which she read out to the company without any suspicion of the joke, 
 and to the entertainment of her guests, among whom was the facetious 
 author. 
 
 GOVERNMENT POWDER. 
 Mr Coke (of Holkham) told Haydon a story of Charles James Fox.^ One 
 night at Brookes's, Fox made some remark upon Government powder, in allu- 
 sion to something that had happened. Adam^ considered it a reflection, and 
 sent Fox a challenge. Fox went out and took his station, giving a full front. 
 Fitzgerald, his second, said, "You must stand sideways." "Why?" said 
 Fox, "I am as thick one way as the other." "Fire!" was given. Adam 
 fired. Fox did not ; and so they shook hands. Adam's bullet had hit Fox 
 below the waist, and fell into his breeches. "Adam," said Fox, "you would 
 have killed me if it hadn't been Government powder." 
 
 TWO MAXIMS. 
 Moore, one day mentioning what Sheridan said to Charles Fox when he 
 was a boy, "Never do to-day what you can put off till to-morrow," found (he 
 says) it was not Sheridan, but the old Lord Holland, who said it to Charles 
 Fox, adding another maxim, " Nor ever do yourself what you can get anyone 
 else to do for you. " 
 
 1 Brother to the Right Hon. Charles James Fox, and minister to the United States. 
 
 2 Born 1749, died ISOG. ^ William Adam, lawyer and politician. 
 
ABOUT STATESMEN AND POLITICIANS. i8i 
 
 A POTATO GARDEN. 
 The Right Hon. John Heley Hutchinson, after having amassed a large 
 fortune at the bar, and held a distinguished seat in the Senate, accepted the 
 Provostship of Trinity College, and was, I believe (says Phillips) tlie first 
 person promoted to that rank who had not previously obtained a fellowship. 
 His appointment gave great offence to the University ; but he little heeded 
 the resentment which was the consequence of any pecuniary promotion ; and, 
 indeed, such was his notoriety in this respect that Lord Townshend, wearied 
 out with his applications, is reported to have said, "By G — ! if I gave 
 Hutchinson England and Ireland for an estate, he would solicit the Isle of 
 Man for a potato garden ! " 
 
 HE WAS SO. 
 
 After Legge was appointed Bishop of Oxford, he had the folly (says Rogers) 
 to ask two wits, Canning and Frere, to be present at his first sermon. "Well," 
 said he to Canning, ^ "how did you like it?" "Why, I thought it rather — 
 short." "Oh, yes, I am aware that it was short ; but I was afraid of being 
 tedious." "You t^ere tedious." 
 
 A REASON. 
 A lady having put to Canning the silly question, " Why have they made 
 the spaces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow?" he replied, "Oh, 
 ma'am, because such very fat people used to go through" — a reply concern- 
 ing which (says Rogers) Tom Mo6re said that "the person who does not relish 
 it can have no perception of real wit." 
 
 FACTS AND FIGURES. 
 According to Sydney Smith, Canning said nothing was so fallacious as 
 facts, except figures.^ 
 
 AN IMPROMPTU. 
 Canning one night (says Haydon) wrote an impromptu on PhiUimore and 
 
 Wynn : — 
 
 "Oh, Phillimore 
 
 Is such a bore. 
 
 He makes me cry. 
 
 But tho' a bore 
 
 Is Phillimore, 
 
 He don't spit in ray eye— " 
 which Wynn, in speaking, always did. 
 
 1 The Right Hon. George Canning; &. 1770, d 1827. 
 
 2 The saying is also attributed to Benjamin Constant. 
 
i82 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 THE DERBY DILLY. 
 Some of O'Connell's^ parodies and poetical applications in debate caught 
 (says Phillips) the humour of the House of Commons, and were considered 
 felicitous. Amongst these was his sneer at the smallness of Lord Stanley's 
 personal adh^erents, after some general election : 
 
 " Thus down thy hill, romantic Ashbourne ! glides 
 The Derby dilly, carrying six insides." 
 
 THREE COLONELS. 
 O'Connell's celebrated parody on three very excellent, and certainly very 
 good-humoured, members of Parliament — Colonels Sibthoi-p, Perceval, and 
 Verner, was extremely ready, and produced a roar : 
 
 " Three colonels, in three distant counties born, 
 Lincoln, Armagh, and Sligo did adorn. 
 The first in matchless impudence surpassed. 
 The next in bigotry — in both the last : 
 The force of nature could no farther go — 
 To beard the third, she shaved the other two." 2 
 
 Two of these gentlemen looked as "if they never needed a razor, and the third 
 as if he repudiated one. 
 
 TIT FOR TAT. 
 In a political trial O'Connell had charged upon the Attorney- General, 
 Saurin, whom he hated, some official unfairness, of which his colleague, 
 Bushe, chivalrously assumed the responsibility. "If there is blame in it," 
 said he, " I alone must bear it — . 
 
 ' Me, me, adsum qui feci, in me convertite ferrum.' " 
 
 '• Finish the sentence, Mr Solicitor," exclaimed O'Connell ; "add 
 * Meafraiis onmis.' " 
 
 EASILY APPREHENDED. 
 
 Sir Robert Peel (says Mr Hayward) was the challenger in three affairs which 
 ended peacefully, through no fault of his or his second's. One of these was 
 with O'Connell. An Irish newspaper (inspired, it was said, by the Agitator) 
 announced, first, his departure from Dublin, and next, "his arrival at 
 Slaughter's Coflfee-House, on his way to a hostile meeting with the Secretary 
 for Ireland " (Peel). The announcement attracted the attention of the autho- 
 
 1 Daniel O'Connell; 5. 1775, d. 1847. 
 
 2 The original of this is, of course, Dryden's " epigram " on Milton. 
 
ABOUT STATESMEN AND POLITICIANS. 183 
 
 rities ; O'Connell was apprehended, and the further prosecution of the afiair 
 was stopped. Shortly afterwards, O'Connell was arguing a case in the Irish 
 Common Pleas, and on the Chief-Justice (Lord Norbury) assuming a puzzled 
 look, paused and said: "Possibly your lordship does not aiiyrekmd me?" 
 "0 yes, Mr O'Connell," was the reply, " no one is more easily aijpreheTided 
 when he wishes it." 
 
 AN INTEREST IN IT. 
 One one occasion (says Phillips) Grattan ^ beheld the spot, near "Windsor 
 Forest, where some notorious criminal had expiated his guilt, and as yet the 
 gibbet remained. Grattan apostrophized the "hanging wood," as George 
 Robins once called it, and was in the frenzy of an oratorical display, when 
 some one who was passing tapped Grattan on the shoulder, and, pointing to 
 the tenantless gibbet, made the inquiry, "How the d — 1 did you contrive to 
 get down?" Grattan readily turned the tables upon the wit. "1 suppose," 
 he said to his interrogator, "you have an interest in asking that question." 
 
 THE BEST THING FOR HIM. 
 On Lord Thurlow's exclaiming — "When I forget my king, may my God 
 forget me," — Wilkes^ muttered — "He'll see you d — d first." Lord Ri;ssell 
 states (says Hayward) that Burke's comment on the same occasion was — "And 
 the best thing God can do for him." ' 
 
 A LEVITICAL DEGREE. 
 Sir Boyle Roche ^ (says Barrington) was induced by Government to fight as 
 hard as possible for the Union ;— so he did, and I reaUy believe fancied, by 
 degrees, that he was right. On one occasion, a general titter arose at his 
 florid picture of the happiness which must proceed from this event. "Gentle- 
 men (said Sir Boyle) may titther, and titther, and titther, and may think it 
 a bad measure, but their heads at present are hot, and will so remain till they 
 grow cool again, and so they can't decide right now; but when the day of judg- 
 ment comes, then honourable gentlemen will be satisfied at this most excellent 
 Union. Sir, there is no Levitical degrees between nations, and on this 
 occasion I can see neither sin nor shame in Tnarrying our own sister." 
 
 A DREADFUL PICTURE. 
 Sir Boyle (says the same authority) was a determined enemy to the French 
 Revolution, and seldom rose in the House for several years without volunteer- 
 
 The famous Irish patriot; 6. 1750, d. 1820. * John Wilkes; 6. 1727, d. 1797. 
 
 See pp. 79, SO. 
 
[84 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 ingsome abuse of it. "Mr Speaker," said he, in a mood of this kind, "if 
 we once permitted the villainous French masons to meddle Avith the buttresses 
 and walls of our ancient constitution, they would never stop nor stay, sir, till 
 they brought the foundation stones tumbling down about the ears of the 
 nation! There," continued Sir Boyle, placing his hand earnestly on his 
 heart, his powdered head shaking in unison with his loyal zeal, whilst he 
 described the probable consequences of an invasion of Ireland by the French 
 Republicans ; " There, Mr Speaker ! if those Gallican villains should invade 
 us, sir, 'tis on that very table, may-be, these honourable members might see 
 their own destinies lying in heaps a-top of one another ! Here, perhaps, sir, 
 the murderous marshal-law-men (Marseillois) would break in, cut us to mince- 
 meat, and throw our bleeding heads upon that table to stare us in the face !" 
 
 THE TAIL END. 
 Sir Frederick Hood, once member for County "Wexford, was making (says 
 Barrington) a long speech in the Irish Parliament, lauding the transcendent 
 merits of the Wexford magistracy. As he was closing a most turgid oration 
 by declaring " that the said magistracy ought to receive some signal mark of 
 the Lord Lieutenant's favour," — John Egan, who was rather mellow, and 
 sitting behind him, jocularly whispered, "and be whipped at the cart's tail." 
 — " And be whipped at the cart's tail ! " repeated Sir Frederick, unconsciously, 
 amidst peals of the most uncontrollable laughter. 
 
 FOR VIEWS, READ PROSPECTS. 
 Possessing a good share of wit and humour, Mackintosh^ (says Earl Russell) 
 took his part in political warfare, armed no less with the "tart reply" than 
 with the "eloquent harangue." I remember sitting by him when a great 
 lawyer, disclaiming from the Treasury Bench, all participating in the opinions 
 of the Liberal party, said, " I could see nothing to tempt me in the views of the 
 gentlemen opposite." "For views, read prospects," whispered Mackintosh to me. 
 
 TWO BROTHERS. 
 Of the two brothers Grant— Lord Glenelg and Sir Robert— Robert*^ (says 
 Lord Teignmouth) was unquestionably the more energetic and vivacious. 
 
 " Glenelg and 
 
 " He has a very good berth, 
 He does nothing at all on the face of the earth ; 
 But his brother Bob beyond the sea 
 Is a far sprightlier chimpanzee." 
 
 So sang Theodore Hook. 
 
 * Sir James Mackintosh; 5. 1765, d. 1832. 2 sir Robert was governor of Bombay. 
 
ABOUT STA TESMEN AND POLITICIANS. 185 
 
 "THE SPLENDID SHILLING." 
 Sir Eobert Grant told a story well, and could pun successfully without 
 "boring. By way of instance, on the beach at Sidmouth he pronounced the 
 six beautiful Miss Twopennys to be the "splendid shilling." 
 
 CON SPIRITO. 
 Lord Teignmouth says of Sir Robert Grant : — When in the House of Lords, 
 on the occasion of a memorable dissolution of Parliament, I congratulated him, 
 as one of the ministers, on the success of the measure, observing at the same 
 time that I looked on them as conspirators. Drawing himself up, and look- 
 ing good-humoured, as was his wont when he meditated a Ion mot, he 
 remarked, "If you mean that we have dissolved Parliament con spirito^ I 
 admit that we have." 
 
 THE FOOD OF HIS ANCESTORS. 
 One of Moore's anecdotes : — On one of the country gentlemen saying in 
 Parliament, "We must return to the food of our ancestors," somebody asked, 
 " What food does he mean ?" "Thistles, I suppose," said Tierney.^ 
 
 WHICH? 
 Raikes records the following joke made by Holmes in the House of Commons. 
 When Mr Morrison, the member for Leicester, who, being a haberdasher, had 
 made himself conspicuous by a speech on the foreign glove question, came up 
 to him, and asked him if he could get him a pair for the evening. "Of 
 what," said Holmes, "gloves or stockings ?" 
 
 NOT AN OPERA BUFFO. 
 I must tell you (writes Walpole to Sir Horace Mann) a hon mot that was 
 made the other night at the Serenata of " Peace in Europe " by Wall [the 
 Spanish ambassador]. Grossatesta, the Modenese minister, a very low fellow, 
 with all the jackpudding-head of an Italian, asked, "Mais qui est ce qui 
 represente mon maitre ?" Wall replied, "Mais, I'abbe, ne savez vous pas que 
 <;e n'est pas un opera boufou ?" 
 
 A WORTHY REPRESENTATIVE. 
 Moore records what Elliot, the well-known ambassador, ^ said to Frederick of 
 Prussia, on his sending a roue of a fellow as minister to England, merely to 
 spite the English Cabinet. "Well, what do you think," asked Frederick, 
 
 1 George Tiemey; 6. 1761, d. 1830. 2 Ambassador at the Court of Prussia. 
 
TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 tauntingly, "of Monsieur ?" "Digne representant de votre Majeste,' 
 
 answered Elliot, bowing very low. 
 
 PERSONAL. 
 
 Moore also records the story of the King of Prussia (Frederick) asking, 
 "Who is this Hyder Ali ?" and Elliot (he thinks it was) answering pointedly, 
 "Un vieux despote militaire, qui a-pille tons les voisins et qui commence a 
 redoter." 
 
 THEY WILL SAVE THEMSELVES. 
 
 Elliot (says Wraxall) nourished all the anti-Gallican antipathies of a 
 thorough hoine-bred Englishman, though his whole life had been passed on 
 the Continent among foreigners. Being at the Comedie Fran^aise, during 
 "La Bataille d'lvry," a dramatic piece, in which Henry IV., after gaining the 
 victory, with a view to stop the effusion of blood, exclaims, "Epargnez mes 
 sujets! sauvez les Francais!" Elliot, who was seated in the amphitheatre, 
 rose, and, elevating his voice, cried out, ''Fe vous mett ez pas en peur! ils 
 se sauveront bien eux-memes." 
 
 A TURKEY MERCHANT. 
 When Home Tooke^ was at school (says Rogers), the boys asked him "What 
 his father was?" Tooke answered, "A Turkey merchant." (He was a 
 poulterer). 
 
 A LITTLE PATRIMONY. 
 At the trial oi Home Tooke, the Attorney-General (Scott, Lord Eldon), 
 replying to some attack of the defendant, said, " I can endure anything but 
 an attack on my good name ; it is the little patrimony I have to leave to my 
 children, and, with God's help, I will leave it unimpaired. " Here (says Hay- 
 ward) he burst into tears, and the Solicitor-General (Mitford) wept with his 
 leader. '* Do you know," exclaimed Tooke in a loud aside, "what Mitford is 
 crying for ? He is crying to think of the little patrimony Scott's children are 
 likely to get. " 
 
 THE FRENCH OF STRATFORD AT BOW. 
 [TInydon] asked William Hamilton if Lord Castlereagh^ spoke good French. 
 Hamilton said, ' ' No, I heard him once, at dinner, say to the Spanish am- 
 bassador, 'Votre Roi Ferdinand n'est pas en belle ordure (odeur) dans ce 
 
 1 Author of The Diversions ofPurley. 2 Born 1796, died 1822. 
 
ABOUT ST A TESMEN AND POLITICIANS. 187 
 
 pays-ci.'" This is as good as D'Orsay's story of Lady saying to him, 
 
 when he had a boil on his neck, "Eh bien — aujourd 'hui comment se porte 
 votre queue (cou)?" 
 
 DUDLEY AND WARD. 
 One of Lord Dudley's eccentric habits (says Sinclair) was that of speaking 
 to himself or thinking aloud. Soon after he had succeeded to the title of 
 Dudley and Ward,^ a lady asked Lord Castlereagh how he accounted for the 
 custom. "It is only Dudley speaking to Ward," was the ready answer to 
 her inquiry. 
 
 A COMMON WANT. 
 
 One night, at the Duke of Devonshire's, the beautiful Mrs was en- 
 treating Lord Melbourne 2 to grant her some favour for a friend. In her 
 eagerness (says Hay don) she seized hold of his hand, saying, "Now do^ my 
 dear Lord Melbourne, do!'"' Lord Melbourne looked round merrily, and 
 
 said, " Now do^ my dear Mrs , do let go my hand ; I want to scratch my 
 
 nose!" 
 
 WHAT DID HE WANT ? 
 
 On one occasion (says Torrens) a member of the party, whom Lord 
 Melbourne had once described as a fellow who was " asking for everything and 
 fit for nothing," intimated that he had a new request to make, for reasons he 
 wanted an interview to explain. The weary dispenser of patronage showed 
 his note to Anson, saying, "What the devil would he have now! does he 
 want a garter for the other leg ?" 
 
 BEARING HIS TESTIMONY. 
 Archbishop Whately (writes the Rev. H. H, Dickenson) asked me if I had 
 ever heard this story of Lord Melbourne. Lord Melbourne was in the House 
 
 one evening when stood up to speak on the Government side. The 
 
 speech was a very indiscreet one ; the speaker dashed into topics about which 
 ministers would rather have had nothing said, and in the course of his 
 remarks, turned towards the bench where Lord M. was sitting, saying, "The 
 noble lord at the head of the Government is fully aware of the accuracy of 
 what I state ; the noble lord, having been present at the interview of which I 
 speak, will bear his testimony. " The only answer from the Treasury bench 
 was a loud snore. 
 
 1 See p. 28. 2 See the Lift bv Mr Torrens. 
 
1 88 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 HIS CAPITAL AND HIS CREDIT. 
 Sir Robert Peel (says Hay ward) excelled in quiet sarcasm. In the debate 
 on Commercial Distress (Dec. 3, 1847), Alderman Reynolds, one of the 
 members for Dublin, had asked : " Did not everybody know that the profit 
 and advantage of banking consisted very much in trading on your credit in 
 contradistinction to your capital ? " In the course of the masterly reply with 
 which Peel closed the debate, he said: "I have the greatest respect for 
 bankers in general, and Irish bankers in particular, and among Irish bankers 
 I well know the position enjoyed by the honourable gentleman. Now, with 
 all the respect to which he is entitled, and with all suavity and courtesy, I 
 would tell him, that in his banking capacity I would rather have his capital 
 than his credit." 
 
 THE CONFIDENCE OF THE CROWN. 
 In 1848, Feargus O'Connor^ was charged in the House with being a Repub- 
 lican. He denied it, and said he did not care whether the Queen or the Devil 
 was on the throne. Peel replied: "When the honourable gentleman sees 
 the sovereign of his choice on the throne of these realms, I hope he'll enjoy, 
 and I am sure he'll deserve, the confidence of the Crown. " 
 
 NOT ALWAYS. 
 Shiel had learnt and forgotten the exordium of a speech which began with 
 the word " necessity. " This word he had repeated three times, when Sir R, 
 Peel broke in — " is not always the mother of invention. " 
 
 NOT THE LEAST OFFENDED. 
 Lord Palmerston (says Mr Hayward) had humour of the genial give-and- 
 take kind, which, for a party leader, is often more serviceable than wit. He 
 was told that Mr Osborne, a popular speaker, whose dash and sparkle are 
 enhanced by good feeling and sagacity, regretted a personal conflict, which he 
 had provoked. "Tell him," said Lord Palmerston, " that I am not the least 
 offended, the more particularly because I think I had the best of it. " 
 
 THE LAST THING. 
 Mr Jeaffreson tells us that Lord Palmerston, during his last attack of gout, 
 exclaimed, playfully, ''Die, my dear doctor! That's the last thing I think 
 of doing. " 
 
 1 The Chartist, d. 1855. 
 
ABOUT STA TESMEN AND POLITICIANS. 189 
 
 CANT AND RE-CANT. 
 Lord John Russell (says Mr Hayward) particularly excelled in a compre- 
 hensive reply at the end of an important debate ; and one of the most telling 
 retorts ever uttered in either House was his, when Sir Francis Burdett, 
 after turning Tory and becoming a member of the Carlton Club, thought 
 proper to sneer at the "cant of patriotism." "I quite agree with the honour- 
 able baronet that the cant of patriotism is a bad thing. But I can tell him a 
 worse — the re-cant of patriotism — which I will gladly go along with him in 
 reprobating whenever he shows me an example of it." 
 
 THE TERRIER PARTS. 
 As Mr Hayward says, one of the best specimens of Mr Bright's racy humour 
 was in the speech in which he introduced the cave of Adullam, and, in 
 allusion to the alliance between two of the principal occupants, Mr Lowe and 
 Mr Horsman, said: "This party of two reminds me of the Scotch terrier^ 
 which was so covered with hair that you could not tell which was the head 
 and which was the tail of it." 
 
 HE PREFERRED THE GOUT. 
 Lord William Lennox records the following clever saying of the late Earl of 
 Derby. The story runs thus : The noble lord received a present of some wine, 
 which was pronounced by the wine-merchant to be an admirable specific 
 against gout. Not receiving a gracious acknowledgment of the gift, the donor 
 addressed a letter of remonstrance to the head of the House of Stanley, which 
 drew forth the following reply: "Lord Derby presents his compliments to- 
 
 Messrs & Co., and in reply to their letter, begs to say that he much 
 
 prefers the gout to their wine. " 
 
 REPROVED BY HIS ASS. 
 In the debate on the Occasional Conformity and Schism Bill in the House 
 of Lords, in December 1718, it was very warmly opposed by Bishop Atterbury, 
 who said " he had prophesied last winter this hill would be attempted in the 
 present session, and he was sorry to find he had proved a true prophet. " Lord 
 Coningsby rose immediately after the bishop, and remarked that " one of the 
 right reverends had set himself forth as a prophet ; but, for his part, he did 
 not know what prophet to liken him to, unless to that famous prophet 
 Balaam, who was reproved by his own ass." The bishop, in reply : " Since 
 the noble lord hath discovered in our manners such a similitude, I am well 
 content to be compared to the prophet Balaam ; but, my lords, I am at a loss 
 
190 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 how to make out the other part of the parallel. I am sure that I have been 
 reproved by nobody but his lordship." 
 
 RISING TO THE OCCASION. 
 The witty and profligate Lord Rochester was very unfortunate when, to win 
 a bet or stimulated by the taunts of his gay companions, he made an attempt 
 [at oratory in the House of Lords]. He began thus: — "My Lords, I rise this 
 time. My Lords, I divide my discourse into four branches." Here he fal- 
 tered and paused. "My Lords, if ever I rise again in this House, I give you 
 leave to cut me off", root and branch, for ever." 
 
 AN A PROFOH STORY. 
 Charles Greville writes: — Payne told me a good story by the way. A 
 certain bishop in the House of Lords rose to speak, and announced that he 
 should divide what he had to say into twelve parts, when the Duke of Wharton 
 interrupted him, and begged he might be indulged for a few minutes, as he 
 had a story to tell which he could only introduce at that moment. A drunken 
 fellow was passing by St Paul's at night, and heard the clock slowly chiming 
 twelve. He counted the strokes, and when it had finished, looked towards 
 the clock, and said, *' D — n you! why couldn't you give us all that at once?" 
 There was an end of the bishop's speech. 
 
 EASILY GRATIFIED. 
 
 One evening (says Mark Boyd) an English member, in his peroration, in 
 some humorous remarks respecting Scotland, had given sad offence to Mr 
 Dempster, M.P. for the burghs of Forfar, Perth, Dundee, Cupar, and St 
 Andrews, wlio was no exception to Sydney Smith's charge against Scotchmen 
 of not understanding a joke, for the moment he concluded, up rose the 
 aggrieved member, and in a loud voice addressed the Speaker. "Sir, I beg 
 to inform the honourable member, in reply to those most illiberal remarks 
 with which he has concluded his speech, that I am proud of having been bom 
 a Scotchman and brought up a Presbyterian," and down he sat; when his 
 honourable opponent rose and said — " Mr Speaker, all I have to say is that I 
 consider the honourable member very thankful for extremely small mercies." 
 
 A PROFANE BREWER. 
 When Sir Paul Methuen endeavoured to stop the interruptions of a tipsy 
 brewer, called Kearsley, the latter, amidst the roars of the House, shouted, 
 ** Paul ! Paul ! why persecutest thou me ?" 
 
ABOUT STA TESMEN AND POLITICIANS. 191 
 
 ONLY WILKES COULD DO IT. 
 Lord Sidmouth. said that the only time his gravity was tried in the chair 
 was when Brook "Watson, getting up (on some subject connected with Nootka 
 Sound), said — "Mr Speaker, it is impossible, at this moment, to look at the 
 north-east without at the same time casting a glance to the south-west." The 
 Speaker stood this pretty well ; but hearing some one behind the chair say, 
 "By G — , no one in the House but Wilkes could do that,"^ he no longer 
 could keep his countenance, but burst out into a most undignified laugh. 
 
 AGAINST HIM. 
 Moore once heard Luttrel tell the story of some Irish member (Crosbie, I 
 believe) who, in speaking of some one in the House, said, " Sir, if I have any 
 partiality for the hon. gentleman, it is against him." 
 
 NOT THAT. 
 
 Fox (says Rop:eTs) was sitting at Brookes's, in a very moody humour, 
 having lost a considerable sum at cards, and was indolently moving a pen 
 backwards and forwards over a sheet of paper. "What is he drawing ?" said 
 some one to Hare.^ " Anything but a draft," was the reply. 
 
 "WITH ONE ACCORD." 
 LuttreU (writes Moore in his Diary) told us about Hare, describing Tarleton, 
 on some occasion when there was a mob collected round Devonshire House, 
 saying to them, "My good fellows, if you grow riotous, I shall really be 
 obliged to talk to you" " Upon which (said Hare) they dispersed im- 
 mediately." 
 
 1 It should be explaiued that Wilkes squinted. '^ James Hare, d. 1804. 
 
192 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 About the Church and the Plergy, 
 Universities and Scholars. 
 
 HE MIGHT BE BOTH. 
 
 AT one of the annual dinners of the members of the Chapel Royal, a gentle- 
 man had been plaguing Barham (of " Ingoldsby " fame) with a somewhat 
 dry disquisition on the noble art of fencing. Wishing to relieve himself of 
 his tormentor, the latter observed that his crippled hand had precluded him from 
 indulging in that amusement; but, pointing to Cannon,^ who sat opposite, he 
 added, " That gentleman will better appreciate you ; he was an enthusiastic 
 admirer of fencing in his youth. " After a few minutes the disciple of Angelo 
 contrived to slip round the table, and commenced a similar attack upon 
 Cannon. For some time he endured it with patience, till at length, on his 
 
 friend's remarking that Sir George D was a great fencer, Cannon, who 
 
 disliked the man, replied, "I don't know whether Sir George D is a great 
 
 fencer, but Sir George D is a great fool." A little startled, the other re- 
 joined, "Well, possibly he is; but then a man may be both." "So I see, sir!" 
 said Cannon, turning away. The story is told by Barham's son. 
 
 PSALMS AND HYMNS. 
 
 At Hook's one day (says Jerdan) the conversation turned on the Duke of 
 Cumberland, and a question asked who he married. " Don't you know," said 
 Cannon; "the Princess de Psalms (Salms),— good enough for Hymn (him)." 
 
 "AND THEY SADDLED HIM." 
 Mr Hay ward recalls to us, in one of his essays, Rowland Hill's ^ reply when, 
 on one occasion, he read from his pulpit an anonymous letter reproaching him 
 with driving to chapel in his carriage, and reminding him that this was not 
 our blessed Lord's mode of travelling. He said, "I must admit that it is 
 not. But if the writer of this letter wiU come here next Sunday, bridled and 
 saddled, I shall have great pleasure in following our blessed Lord's example 
 in that as in all other matters within n y power." 
 
 1 See ante, p. 21. 
 
 2 The well-known Dissenting preacher. See the Life by Mr Charlesworth. 
 
ABOUT THE CHURCH AND THE CLERGY, ETC. 193 
 
 BIG ONES. 
 "When preaching (says Mr Charleswortli) at St John's, Wapping, on one 
 occasion, observing that his auditory was unusually large, and made up 
 chiefly of seafaring persons, Rowland Hill remarked, " I am come to preach to 
 great sinners, notorious sinners, profane sinners," and, with peculiar emphasis, 
 exclaimed, "yea, to Wapping sinners." 
 
 A HAVEN OF EEFUGE. 
 On a wet day, a number of persons took shelter in Rowland HiU's chapel 
 during a heavy shower, while he was preaching. Hill remarked, "Many 
 people are greatly to be blamed for making their religion a cloak, but I do not 
 think that those are much better who make it an umbrella." 
 
 "NOTHING IN IT." 
 A lady once requested Rowland Hill to examine her son as a candidate for 
 the ministry, remarking, "I am sure he has a talent, but it is hid in a 
 napkin." • At the close of the interview with the young man, Mr Hill said, 
 •' Well, madam, I have shaken the napkin, but I cannot find the talent." 
 
 SIMILIA SIMILIBUS. 
 Rowland Hill once witnessed the ordination of a minister in Scotland, and 
 one of the elders of the Presbytery, not being able to reach his hand far 
 enough to impose it on the head of the candidate, used the end of his cane for 
 the purpose. "This," said Mr Hill, "did equally well; it was timber to 
 timber." 
 
 AN UNKNOWN QUANTITY. 
 A rather talkative woman one day said to Rowland Hill, " I have been a 
 good deal of late with some Papists, and they have sadly tempted me to 
 change my religion." "Indeed, ma'am," he replied, "I was not aware until 
 now that you had any religion to change. " 
 
 GREATLY RELIEVED. 
 Rowland Hill once became surety for a member of his church. The man 
 failed, and the incautious pastor had to pay £1000 — the amount of the bond. 
 The same day on which he discharged his liability, he called upon a friend, 
 who, observing that he was unusually depressed, remarked, " Why, Mr Hill, 
 what's the matter with you to-day ? You seem altogether heavy and uncom- 
 fortable." " Heavy, sir," replied Mr HiU; "you are quite mistaken there, for 
 I am a thousand pounds lighter than I was yesterday." 
 
 N 
 
194 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 HIS FIRST UTTERANCE. 
 According to Mr L'Estrange, the Rev. W. Harness tells several little anec- 
 dotes illustrative of Paley's^ homely manners and rough humour. For 
 example : — At the first visitation [Paleyj attended, after his preferment to the 
 Archdeaconry [of Carlisle], he dined in company with a large assemblage of 
 clergymen, all of whom were eager to hear his observations. He remained 
 silent, to their great disappointment, till the second course was served. At 
 length the great man spoke ! Every ear was strained. "What was his oracular 
 utterance ? "I don't think these iiuddcns are much good unless the seeds are 
 taken out of the raisins !" 
 
 A VERY DIFFERENT MATTER. 
 At another banquet, shortly after Paley's preferment, he found himself 
 exposed to an unpleasant draught of air. "Shut that window behind me," 
 he called to one of the waiters, " and open one lower down, behind one of the 
 curates ! " 
 
 FLAT BURGLARY. 
 Among the Rev. Ozias Linley's most notable eccentricities was absence of 
 mind. His brother-in-law, Sheridan, invented ludicrous instances of it, and 
 even told them in his presence. "When allusion was made to one of these 
 (says Archdeacon Sinclair) Linley exclaimed with indignation, " That is an 
 everlasting lie ; but," he added, with returning good humour, "I will tell 
 you something better, which really befell me." He then began: "While I 
 was a minor canon at Norwich, I went one evening to my tobacconist's, and 
 having filled my snuff-box, was about to leave the shop, when, I know 
 not how it happened, but I took up the two brass candlesticks that were 
 standing lighted on the counter, and was walking into the street with them, 
 one in each hand, when the tobacconist recalled me to myself by exclaiming, 
 ' Surely, Mr Linley, you do not intend to carry off my candlesticks ! ' " 
 
 AN ADVENTURE. 
 The Rev. Ozias Linley sometimes related a still more remarkable instance 
 of his own obliviousness : — " It was my turn," he said, ** as a minor canon, to 
 preach in Norwich Cathedral, and well knowing my own infirmity, I rang 
 the bell, and put the key of my study into my landlady's hands, requesting 
 her to lock the door, and come again to let me out in time for the service. 
 She raised objections, and insisted on returning the key, but somehow I 
 remained under an impression that she had taken it with her as I desired. 
 
 > William Taley, D.D., author of the famous Evidences; b. 1743, d. 1805. 
 
ABOUT THE CHURCH AND THE CLERGY, ETC. 195 
 
 Accordingly I read my sermon over till the bells began to ring. I then put 
 on my surplice, but no landlady came to release me. I read half my sermon 
 over again, but still no landlady appeared. Looking out of the window I saw 
 the congregation assembling, and at length the great bell began to toll, as it 
 always did when the Dean and Chapter were about to form into procession. 
 Still no landlady appeared. In this extremity I threw open the window, and 
 with the help of the water-butt and water-spout, climbed down in my canonicals 
 into the street. Happily I was so late that comparatively few of the congre- 
 gation witnessed this exploit. On my return home after the service I put my 
 hand mechanically into my pocket, and had opened the door of my lodgings 
 before I called to mind my imaginary difficulty." 
 
 NOTHING TO PAY. 
 "What have I to pay?" said Mr Linley, coming to a turnpike, whip in 
 hand, with a bridle trailing on the ground. "You have nothing to pay, sir," 
 replied the turnpike keeper ; "you must have left your horse behind you." 
 This conjecture was correct. Linley had undertaken to do duty at a church a 
 few miles from Norwich, and in order to relieve his horse, had dismounted to 
 walk part of the way. The bridle had slipped off while he was in a brown 
 study, thinking of "Plato's Dialogues" or "Hartley on Man," and he reached 
 the turnpike quite unconscious of the loss he had sustained.^ 
 
 MALE AND FEMALE. 
 Lord Tc'ignmouth tells several amusing stories about Dr Drake of Langton. 
 For instance : — On his first visit to his neighbours he would introduce his 
 wife and himself, as "Duck and Drake." 
 
 SCRUTON-Y. 
 When Dr Drake heard of a very likely young man staying at Scruton Hall, 
 the residence of some well-apportioned young ladies, he would circulate the 
 report that so-and-so was ^'scrutinising,'* 
 
 A GOOD GRACE. 
 When the good Duchess of Leeds requested Dr Drake to say the grace at 
 the dinner-table at Hornby Castle, he simply replied, "Madam, your Grace 
 is sufficient for me." 
 
 1 A similar story is told ty the Rev. J. C. Young of the poet Bowles, and Sydney Smith 
 has a reference to such a tale as being recounted of "a clergj'man," 
 
196 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 UNBEARABLE. 
 A close glass bookcase once provoked from Dr Drake the remark that he 
 never could stand ''Locke on the Human Understanding." 
 
 A MEDDLER. 
 It was when dining with a friend in Worcester College (says Miss Whately) 
 that a trifling incident brought out one of Whately 's^ happiest horis mots. 
 There were some medlars on the table, and his host regretted that he had in 
 vain tried to procure also some services {Pyrus domestica, a fruit which grows 
 wild in Kent and Sussex, and is there called " checquers.") One of the com- 
 pany asked the difference between a "service" and a "meddler," to which 
 Mr Whately replied, " The same kind of difference as between ' officium ' and 
 'officiosus.' " 
 
 PERSECUTION. 
 One day, when Dr Whately was conversing with a friend, sometning was 
 said on the subject of religious persecution ; on which he remarked, "It is 
 no wonder that some English people have a taste for persecuting on account 
 of religion, since it is the first lesson that most are taught in their nurseries. " 
 His friend expressed his incredulity, and denied that he, at least, had been 
 taught it. " Are you sure ? " replied Dr Whately. ' ' What do you think of 
 
 this ?— 
 
 ' Old Daddy Longlegs won't say his prayers, 
 Take him by the left leg, and throw him downstairs.* 
 
 If that is not religious persecution, what is ? " 
 
 DISSENT IN CHINA. 
 
 A lady from China who was dining with Archbishop Whately told him 
 that English flowers reared in that country lose their perfume in two or three 
 years. "Indeed !" was the immediate remark, "I had no idea the Chinese 
 were such de-scent-ers." 
 
 THAT IS WHY. 
 Whately once asked a roomful of divines why white sheep eat so very much 
 more than black sheep. It was solemnly suggested that black being a warmer 
 colour than white, black sheep could do with less nutriment. Whately gravely 
 shook his head, and answered, " White sheep eat more, because there are more 
 of them." 
 
 1 Richard "Whately, Archbishop of Dublin; b. 17S7, d. 1863. 
 
ABOUT THE CHURCH AND THE CLERGY, ETC. 197 
 
 ONE OF THE FIRST. 
 "Sir, you are one of the first men of the age,"^ said Whately to one whose 
 conceit had offended him. *' Oh, my lord," replied the other, highly de- 
 lighted; "you do me too much honour." "Not at all," replied Whately; 
 "you were born, I believe, in 1801." ^ 
 
 QUERY. 
 " There is nothing," said a dealer, speaking of a horse, " which he cannot 
 draw." " Can he draw an inference ?" asked Whately. 
 
 R E - T A I L E D. 
 
 Whately once startled his listeners by asking, "If the devil lost his tail, 
 where would he go to find a new one?" and without waiting for others to 
 guess, replied, " To a gin palace, for bad spirits are re-tailed there." 
 
 THE REASON. 
 " Why [asked Whately] does the operation of hanging kill a man?" A 
 physiologist gravely replied, " Because inspiration is checked, circulation 
 stopped, and blood suffuses and congests the brain." "Bosh!" cried 
 AVhately ; " it is because the rope is not long enough to let his feet touch 
 the ground."^ 
 
 A DREADFUL ALTERNATIVE. 
 While at Heidelberg (says J. C. Young) I used to take daily lessons in 
 German from a certain Dr Hiihle, who had been for some years the minister 
 of the German Lutheran chapel in the Strand. He was the dirtiest man I 
 ever saw. I may safely add, he was the vainest. I found him, on a particular 
 occasion, overlooking, sorting, and making selections from a large pile of 
 sermons and manuscripts. I said to him, ' ' Have you never published any of 
 your many compositions ? " Looking over his pipe at me, with an air of great 
 
 1 The same joke occurs in Heine's Reisebilde: — " ' I was born, signora, on New Year's 
 Night, 1800.' 'Did I not tell you,' said the Marquis, 'that he is one of the first men of 
 our century ? ' " 
 
 2 See Fitzpatrick's Life of Whately, where will be found all the more familiar of his 
 witticisms. 
 
 •■' Many of Whately's most amusing sayings were in this form of question and answer. 
 Thus:— "What is the female of a male coach? A miscarriage." "Why has Ireland the 
 richest capital in the world ? Because its capital is always doubling (Duhlin)." "What is 
 the difference between an Irishman and a Scotchman on the top of a mountain in frosty 
 weather? One is cowld with the kilt, and the other is kilt with the cowld." And so on. 
 
198 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 importance, lie thus addressed me : " Saar ! you are not de erste persone who 
 have asked me dat question wit surbrise. Der Herr von Nohden, die Lib- 
 rarium of die Breeches Mooseum at London, von day said to me ver plain — 
 'Mein goote frennd, vy do you not bublish?' I shook mein head. 'Oh,' 
 said dat great man, ' you musht bublish ! you musht indeed ! I vill speak out ! 
 You musht evacooate your brain, or, by ! you vill bursht!" 
 
 "A LAPSY LINGO." 
 Barham records that [at a] dinner of the Sons of the Clergy at Merchant 
 Tailors' Hall, Archbishop Howley,^ a nervous man, by a ludicrous lapsus 
 linguce gave as a toast, instead of '* Prosperity to the Merchant Tailors' Com- 
 pany," "Prosperity to the Merchant Company's Tailor !" 
 
 A PRECISE PRAYER. 
 The long reign of George the Third was brought to a close on the 29th of 
 January 1820. On the following Sunday (says Lord Cockburn) Sir Harry 
 MoncreifF, not satisiied with merely praying for the new sovereign generally, 
 said in plain terms, giving the very date, that there might be no mistake 
 about it, "And oh. Lord, stablish his heart in righteousness, and in the 
 principles of the glorious revolution of sixteen hunder and echty-echt." 
 
 TIT FOR TAT. 
 Lord CampbelP says that Sir John Trevor was so incensed by the promotion 
 to the primacy of Tillotson,^ whom he considered a Low Churchman, that, 
 passing him one day near the House of Lords, he could not refrain from 
 uttering, loud enough to be heard by the object of his spleen, "I hate a 
 fanatic in lawn sleeves." "And I," retorted the primate, "hate a knave in 
 any sleeves." 
 
 BISHOP BLUSTER. 
 Lord Teignmouth notes that Bishop Mansell, of Bristol, was the subject of 
 the following allusion to his having purchased, with a view to pulling it 
 down, a public-house in the town next door to his OAvn residence, glorying in 
 the sign of Bishop Blaize : — 
 
 " ' Two of a trade can ne'er agree,' 
 No proverb e'er was jnster ; 
 They've ta'en down Bishop Blaize, d'ye see ? 
 And set up Bishop Bluster." 
 
 1 Archbishop of Canterbury; h. 1705, d. 1848. 
 
 2 The authority for this story seems to be the Life of Jeffreys. 
 
 3 John Tillotson, Archbishop of Canterbury; b. 1630, d. 1694. 
 
ABOUT THE CHURCH AND THE CLERGY, ETC. 199 
 
 A MATTER OF CHOICE. 
 Mark Boyd writes :— Among tlie numerous anecdotes of my late Lincoln-- 
 shire clerical friend, the Rev, W. Wright, of Brattleby, was the following : 
 The clergyman of a moimtainous district in Yorkshire, whoso parsonage was 
 imder repair, arrived at the public-house of the village to attend to his duties 
 on the Sunday morning. The rain was descending in torrents, and, when 
 the time had arrived for going into church, he sent the clerk to see what sort 
 of congregation there was, who returned and reported that it consisted of 
 Smith and" Davies, the two shepherds. On hearing this the clergjonan said, 
 "You had better go and ask them whether they would prefer a sermon or a 
 pot of beer." He came back immediately to inform him that they would 
 much prefer the pot of beer. The pot was sent for and discussed accordingly, 
 and the sermon put by for a " more convenient season." 
 
 A STEADY EYE. 
 Curran (says Phillips) used to relate with great glee a mishap which 
 befell a Roman Catholic bishop who went up to the Castle [at Dublin] to 
 adulate the Lord Lieutenant. It seems one of Lord Cornwallis's eyes was 
 smaller than the other, and had acquired a quick, perpetual, oscillatory 
 motion. The addressers, who had never seen him, had elaborated their com- 
 pliments in the country. His excellency was on his throne in high state, 
 when Bishop Lanigan of Kilkenny, at the head of his clergy, auspiciously 
 commenced: "Your Excellency lias always had a steady eye upon the interests 
 of Ireland." The room was in a roar. 
 
 A K I K G. 
 Sheridan (says L'Estrange) was not devoid of that vanity which so often 
 accompanies talent. On one occasion he made a very high-flown speech, in 
 which he spoke of himself as being "descended from the loins of kings!' 
 "That's quite true," said Dr Spry, who was sitting next Harness ; "the last 
 time I saw his father [who was an actor], he was the King of Denmark." 
 
 PITHY AND CONCISE. 
 Mark Boyd says in his Reminiscences: — I have before me, in remembrance, 
 that charming and aged Irish Episcopalian clergyman, the late Dr Richardson, 
 of Confagle, in the county of Tyrone. As boys, we admired the doctor's 
 grace much, because it was pithy and concise. My mother's usual request, 
 "Doctor, will you say grace ?" "With pleasure, ma'am." The words were 
 then uttered rapidly, but sonorously : — " God bless us and our mate, Amen. 
 At the conclusion of dinner, "Doctor, may I ask you?" "Most sartenly, 
 ma'am. * Thank God for what we have resaived, Amen. ' " 
 
200 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 ''THE OTHER NINE." 
 Doctor Hughes told Barham the following anecdote, which he heard from 
 the "Great Unknown." A Scottish clergyman, whose name was not men- 
 tioned, had some years since been cited before the Ecclesiastical Assembly at 
 Edinburgh, to answer to a charge brought against him of great irreverence in 
 religious matters, and Sir "Walter was employed by him to arrange his defence. 
 The principal fact alleged against him was his having asserted, in a letter 
 which was produced, that "he considered Pontius Pilate to be a very ill-used 
 man, as he had done more for Christianity than all the other nine apostles put 
 together." The fact was proved, and suspension followed. 
 
 NUBERE AND BIBERE. 
 Lord Eldon used to tell the following story : — A clergyman who had two 
 small Corpus livings adjoining each other, Newbury and Bibury, and who 
 always performed the morning service in the former and the evening in the 
 latter, being asked in the Hall why he did not divide the duties equally be- 
 tween them, made answer, ** I go to nubere in the morning, because that is the 
 time to marry, and I go to lihere in the evening, because that is the time to 
 drink." 
 
 NOTHING BETTER. 
 Mr Hayward says that George III. once ironically asked an eminent divine, 
 who was just returned from Rome, whether he had converted the Pope. " No, 
 sire ; I had nothing better to offer him." 
 
 BEYOND PURGATORY. 
 L' Estrange says : — The Bishop of Derry was disputing with a Roman 
 Catholic priest about Purgatory. "Well, my lord," replied the priest in 
 conclusion, " you may go farther and fare worse." 
 
 "IN ALL RESPECTS CONTEMPTIBLE." 
 Dickens writes to his friend Fields^ : — I saw a scene of mingled comicality 
 and seriousness at [a] funeral some weeks ago, which has choked me at 
 
 dinner time ever since. C and I went as mourners. There was an 
 
 independent clergyman present, with his bands on and a Bible under his arm, 
 
 who, as soon as we were seated, addressed thus in a loud, emphatic voice, 
 
 "Mr C , have you seen a paragraph respecting our departed friend, which 
 
 has gone the round of the morning papers?" "Yes, sir," says C , "I 
 
 have," looking very hard at me the while, for he had told me with some 
 
 1 Yesterdays ivith Authors. 
 
ABOUT THE CHURCH AND THE CLERGY, ETC. 201 
 
 pride coining down that it was Ms composition. ** Oh !" said the clergyman. 
 
 "Then, you will agree with me, Mr C , that it was not only an insult to 
 
 me, who am a servant of the Almighty, but an insult to the Almighty, whose 
 
 servant I am." " How is that, sir ?" said C . '* It is stated, Mr C , 
 
 in that paragraph," says the minister, "that when Mr H failed in 
 
 business as a bookseller, he was persuaded by ine to try the pulpit, which is 
 false, incorrect, and unchristian, in manner blasphemous, and in all respects 
 contemptible. Let us pray." With which, and in the same breath, I give 
 you my w^ord, he knelt down, as we all did, and began a very miserable 
 jumble of an extemporary prayer. I was really penetrated with sorrow for 
 
 the family, but when C (upon his knees, and sobbing for the loss of an 
 
 old friend) whispered me, "That if that wasn't a clergyman, and it wasn't a 
 funeral, he'd have punched his head," I felt as if nothing but convulsions 
 could possibly relieve me. 
 
 IT WENT, BUT WAS NOT GONE. 
 A late Bishop of Exeter, in the course of conversation at a dinner-party, men- 
 tioned that many years since, while trout-fishing, he lost his watch and chain, 
 which he supposed had been pulled from his pocket by the bough of a tree. 
 Sometime afterwards, when staying in the same neighbourhood, he took a 
 stroll by the side of the river, and came to the secluded spot where he supposed 
 he had lost his valuables, and there, to his surprise and delight, he found 
 them under a bush. The anecdote, vouched for by the word of a bishop, 
 astonished the company ; but this was changed to amusement by his son's 
 Inquiring whether the watch, when found, was going. "No," replied the 
 bishop ; "the wonder was that it was not gone." 
 
 "DO EABBIT IT!" 
 Everyone (says J. C. Young) knows the old story of the curate, who had 
 his Sunday dinner invariably with his rector, and who, never having had any- 
 thing but rabbits served up in different ways, was asked to say grace, and 
 delivered himself of these lines : — 
 
 " For rabbits hot, for rabbits cold, 
 For rabbits young, for rabbits old, 
 For rabbits tender, for rabbits tough. 
 We thank the Lord we've had enough." 
 
 A very amusing person rendered them into Latin, thus — 
 " Pro conibus ealidis, conibus frigidis, 
 Pro conibus moUibus, conibus rigidis. 
 Pro conibus senibus, 
 Atque juvenibus. 
 
 Grates aqimus fatis, 
 Habniuius satis." 
 
202 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 ORIGINAL. 
 
 A clergyman had commenced an able discourse, when one of the hearers, an 
 accomplished but eccentric man, exclaimed, "That's Tillotson!" This (says 
 Mark Boyd) was allowed to pass, but very soon another exclamation followed. 
 " That's Paley. " The preacher then addressed the disturber. "I tell you, 
 sir, if there is to be a repetition of such conduct, I shall call on the church- 
 warden to have you removed from the church." "That's your own," was the 
 ready reply. 
 
 A WITTY PRIEST. 
 Yelverton, the Irish lawyer, was at Killarney with his friend, the witty 
 Father O'Leary. Both were present at a stag-hunt, and the hunted deer 
 approaching the Attorney-General, fell quite exhausted at his feet. "Dear 
 Mr Yelverton," exclaimed Father O'Leary, "what wonderful instinct that 
 stag possesses ! He comes directly to you, expecting that, in your official 
 capacity, you'll at once issue a nolle prosequi in his favour." 
 
 BOTH OF THEM WERE APOSTLES. 
 There was an old woman living at Naples, very devout, who went to her 
 confessor on a case of conscience. Her object (says Barham) was to learn 
 whether San Gennaro or the Virgin Mary was the greater saint. "Why, 
 daughter," said the padre, "that is a very nice question, and perhaps it 
 might puzzle the Holy Father himself to decide upon it. However, for your 
 comfort it may perhaps be satisfactory to know that both of them were 
 Apostles. " 
 
 IT WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED. 
 When Porson^ was told that Prettyman^ had been left a large estate by a 
 person who had seen him only once, he said, "It would not have happened 
 if the person had seen him twice." This and the following things are told by 
 Maltby. 
 
 NOT A SCOTCHMAN. 
 A gentleman who had heard that Bentley was born in the North, said to 
 Porson, "Wasn't he a Scotchman?" "No, sir," replied Person; Bentley 
 was a great Greek scholar. " 
 
 1 The famous scholar; h. 1759, d. 1808. 
 
 2 " Then Bishop of Lincoln. A valuable estate was bequeathed to him by Marmaduke 
 Tomline (a gentleman with whom he had no relationship or connection) on condition of his 
 taking the name of Tomline." — Dyce. 
 
ABOUT THE CHURCH AND THE CLERGY, ETC. 203. 
 
 APT RHYMES. 
 Maltby says he often heard Porson repeat the following lines, which he pre- 
 sumed were his own composition : — 
 
 " Toetis non laetaTmir tribus, 
 Pye, Fetro Pindar, parvo Pybus ; 
 Si ulterius ire pergis, 
 Adde Ms Sir James Bland Burgess." 
 
 HE AND HECUBA. 
 
 At some college dinner, where (says Moore), in giving toasts, the name was 
 spoken from one end of the table, and a quotation applicable to it was to be 
 supplied from the other, on the name of Gilbert Wakefield [the scholar] 
 being given out, Porson, who hated him, roared forth, ""What's Hecuba to 
 him, or he to Hecuba ? " ^ 
 
 SOBER AND DRUNK. 
 According to Moore, Porson said one night, when he was very drunk, to 
 Dodd, who was pressing him hard in an argument, "Jemmy Dodd, I always 
 despised you when sober, and I'll be d — d if I'll argue with you now that 
 I'm drunk, " 
 
 OUT OF HIS MOUTH. 
 Crabb Robinson tells some good stories of Donaldson (the scholar).*^ For 
 instance: — Some one complaining, "You take the words out of my mouth;"^ 
 Donaldson replied, "You are very hard to please; would you have liked it 
 better if I had made you swallow them ?" 
 
 A SOUND DIVINE. 
 At the Athenaeum with Dr Donaldson, the term sound Divine being used,. 
 I said, " I do not know what is a sound Divine," quoting Pope, — 
 
 " Dulness is sacred in a sound divine." 
 <'But I do,'' said Donaldson; "it is a divine who is vox et praeterea niJiil." 
 
 A COMPLIMENT. 
 
 Lady C , offering a wager, was asked what it should be. "A feather 
 
 from one of my wings when I am an angel." " I would recommend your 
 ladyship," said Donaldson, "to abstain from such wagers. There is a great 
 danger, if you do not, you may be plucked. " 
 
 1 In allusion to his classical criticisms. 2 Bom 1812, died 1861. 
 
204 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 SUPEK-FISH-ALL. 
 It was said at table, " If you can give me at dinner a good dish of fish after 
 soup, I want no more." "That is not my doctrine," said Dr Donaldson. 
 ** On such a theme I am content to be held superficml." 
 
 AND WAS IT ? 
 
 Rogers once said to Planchfe— My old friend Maltby, the brother of the 
 
 Bishop, was a very absent man. One day at Paris, in the Louvre, we were 
 
 looking at the pictures, when a lady entered, who spoke to me, and kept me 
 
 some minutes in conversation. On rejoining Maltby, I said, "That was 
 
 Mrs . We have not met so long, she had almost forgotten me, and asked 
 
 if my name was Rogers." Maltby, still looking at the pictures, said, "And 
 was it?" 
 
 A MOTTO. 
 Being one day at Trinity College at dinner, [Donne] was asked to write a 
 motto for the college snuff-box, which was always circulating at the dinner- 
 table. "Considering where we are," said Donne, "there could be nothing 
 better than ' Quicunque vult ! ' " The story is told by Crabb Robinson. 
 
 A TIMID WOOER. 
 Dr Haldane, a Professor of St Andrews University, was one of the most 
 estimable of men, universally respected by all who knew him, and yet, in 
 spite of a pleasing person, a genial manner, a good position, a good house, and 
 a handsome competency, he was weU advanced in life before he could make 
 up his mind to marry. No misogymist was he ! Womankind he loved, " not 
 wisely, but too well;" and yet, when in their presence, his self-possession 
 forsook him, and he became a much-oppressed and bashful man. When it 
 was reported that he had fitted up his house afresh, at the very time when 
 appearances were of less consequence to him, it was generally supposed, and 
 currently reported, that he was going to change his state. There is no doubt 
 the rumour was well founded ; for, on a given day, at an hour unusually early 
 for a call, the good doctor was seen at the house of a certain lady, for whom 
 he had long been supposed to have a predilection, in a bran-new coat, wiping 
 "his weel-pouthered head" with a clean white handkerchief, and betraying 
 much excitement of manner, till the door was opened. As soon as he was 
 shown "ben," and saw the fair one whom he sought calmly engaged in knit- 
 ting stockings, and not at aU disturbed by his entrance, his courage, like that 
 of Bob Acres in the "Rivals," began to ooze out at the tips of his fingers, and 
 he sat himself down on the edge of his chair in such a state of pitiable confu- 
 
ABOUT THE CHURCH AND THE CLERGY, ETC. 205 
 
 sion as to elicit the compassion of the lady in question. She could not under- 
 stand what ailed him; but felt instinctively that the truest good-breeding 
 would be to take no notice of his embarrassment, and lead the conversation 
 herself. Thus, then, she opened fire: — "Weel, Doctor, hae ye got through 
 a' your papering and painting yet ? " (A clearing of the throat preparatory to 
 speech, but not a word uttered). "I'm told your new carpets are just 
 beautifu'." (A further clearing of the throat, and a vigorous effort to speak, 
 terminating in a free use of his handkerchief). " They say the pattern 0' the 
 dining-room chairs is something quite out o' the way. In short, that every- 
 thing aboot the house is perfect." Here was a providential opening he was 
 not such a goose as to overlook. He *' screwed his courage to the sticking 
 place," advanced his chair, sidled towards her, simpering the while, raised 
 his eyes furtively to her face, and said, with a gentle inflection of his voice, 
 which no ear but a wilfully deaf one could have misinterpreted, " Na ! na ! 
 Miss J — n. It's no quite perfect. It canna be quite that, so long as there's 
 ae thing wanting!" "And what can that be ?" said the imperturbable spin- 
 ster. Utterly thrown on his beam ends (says Young) by her wilful blindness 
 to his meaning, the poor man beat a hasty retreat, drew back his chair from 
 its dangerous proximity, caught up his hat, and, in tones of blighted liope, 
 gasped forth his declaration in these words — " Eh ! dear ! eh ! Well 'am sure 1 
 The thing wanting is, a — a — a — sideboard ! " 
 
 NOT DEAD— MAY DIE. 
 Windham, 1 when undergraduate, hated a pun, good or bad. Reading 
 Demosthenes one day with great admiration, and coming to Ts Sv-nx^ ^'i'^f^'^or, 
 (Is Philip dead?) 0«, ^a a/' (No! by Jupiter!) he was put (says Lord Eldon 
 into a great passion by a fellow-student saying, "No, Windham, you see he 
 is not dead ; the Greek words only say he inay die." 
 
 THAT WAS WHAT HE SAID. 
 Harrison says : — I heard an anecdote at Oxford of a proctor encountering on 
 his rounds two undergraduates, who were without their gowns, or out of 
 bounds, or out of hours. He challenged one: "Your name and college?" 
 They were given. Turning to the other: "And pray, sir, what might your 
 name be?" "Julius Cs&sar," was the reply. "What, sir! Do you mean to 
 say your name is Julius Csesar ?" " Sir, you did not ask me what it is, but 
 what it might be." The proctor, repressing a smile, turned away. 
 
 * William Windham, the politician; 6. 1810. 
 
2o6 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 HALVES AND QUARTERS. 
 Says the same writer : — I remember a Trinity College (Dublin) story of a 
 student, who, having to translate Csesar, rendered the first sentence, "Omnis 
 Gallia divisa est in tres partes" — "All Gaul is quartered into three halves," 
 
 CASTING REFLECTIONS. 
 At the same time (says Harrison) I was told of one of the undergraduates 
 of the same college amusing himself with a mirror, by throwing the reflection 
 of the sun's rays on the heads of the dons as they crossed the quod, for which 
 he was summoned before the authorities, who, however, were puzzled to find 
 a name for the oflbnce, until one of them suggested, "Casting reflections on 
 the heads of the college." 
 
 TO THE POINT. 
 
 Lord Eldon told the following story: — The drinking cups, or glasses, at 
 Oxford, from their shape were called ox-eyes. Some friends of a young 
 student, after inducing him to fill his ox-eye much fuller and oftener than 
 consisted with his equilibrium, took pity at last upon his helpless condition, 
 and led or carried him to his rooms. He had just Latin enough at command 
 to thank them at the stair-head with " Pol, me ox-eye — distis, amici." 
 
 AB HISS. 
 The Vice-Chancellor, Dr Leech of Balliol, a determined punster, having 
 given ofi'ence to the young men by some act of discipline, when he next 
 appeared among them he was saluted with much sibilation ; whereupon, 
 turning round, he said, "Academici laudamur ab Aw.?" which (says Eldon) 
 produced a change in his favour, and they loudly applauded him. 
 
 NE QUID NIMIS. 
 Smoking (says Eldon) was common in those daj^s, and a fellow secretly 
 indulged even in the habit of chewing tobacco. Having once inadvertently 
 squirted near the master's niece, who was passing by, he was thus admonished, 
 " Ne quid nigh Miss. " 
 
 NOT THE LION— THE BEAR. 
 When Professor Whewell returned to Cambridge a benedict, and his lady 
 discovered the estimation in which he was generally held, she is reported (says 
 Jerdan) to have exclaimed, "Why, AV., how is this ! When I married you I 
 was taught to believe my husband was the Lion of Cambridge, but I find to 
 my sorrow he is only the Bear." 
 
ABOUT THE CHURCH AND THE CLERGY, ETC, 207 
 
 HIS LAST ADVICE. 
 According to the Rev. J. C. Young, the Rev. John W. Burgon, of Oriel 
 College, Oxford, was a great favourite of the late president of Magdalen [Dr 
 Routh]. ^ On one occasion, when Dr Routh had been sajdng many kind and 
 encouraging things to him, he asked him to give him some advice which 
 might stay by him, and be of use to him in his future life. " Always verify 
 citations," was his answer. 
 
 NOT FOR ANY MONEY. 
 A country rector (says L'Estrange), coming up to preach at Oxford in his 
 turn, complained to Dr Routh, the venerable principal of Magdalen, that the 
 remuneration was very inadequate, considering the travelling expenses, and 
 the labour necessary for the composition of the discourse. " How much did 
 they give you?" inquired Dr Routh. "Only five pounds," was the reply. 
 "Only five pounds ! " repeated the Doctor; " why, I would not have preached 
 that sermon for fifty. " 
 
 '•'CALL ME EARLY." 
 J, C. Young is responsible for the following : — When Tennyson entered the 
 Oxford Theatre to receive his honorary degree of D. C. L. , his locks hanging in 
 admired disorder on his shoulders, dishevelled and unkempt, a voice from 
 the gallery was heard crying out to him, ' ' Did your mother call you early, 
 dear?" 
 
 1 Died December 22, 1S54, in his hundredth year. " Independently of his high distinction 
 ns a schdlar, he was interesting from his extensive experience of life."— Fown^. 
 
2o8 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 About f^EOPLE in General. 
 
 SOLDIERS AND SAILORS. 
 
 HALF WOULD TRY. 
 
 MOORE tells the story of Frederick the Great saying to some English 
 general (?), " Could any regiment of yours of the same number of men 
 perform such a feat ?" *' I don't know, sire," was the answer, "but half the 
 number would try." 
 
 *'THE PIE'S YOURS, SIR!" 
 Barham, when a boy, along with a young friend called Diggle, having, in 
 the course of one of their walks, discovered a Quakers' meeting-house, forth- 
 with procured a penny tart of a neighbouring pastry-cook. Furnished with 
 this, Diggle marched boldly into the building, and holding up the delicacy 
 in the midst of the grave assembly, said with perfect solemnity, "Whoever 
 speaks first shall have this pie." *' Friend, go thy way," commenced a drab- 
 coloured gentleman, rising; "go thy way, and — ." *'The pie's yours, sir !" 
 exclaimed Master Diggle politely, and placing it before the astounded speaker 
 hastily effected his escape. Barham tells this tale himseK. ^ 
 
 "SHE DIDN'T MEAN IT." 
 Monk Lewis 2 (says Rogers) was a great favourite at Oatlands. One day 
 after dinner, as the duchess was leaving the room, she whispered something 
 into Lewis's ear. He was much affected, his eyes filling with tears. We 
 asked him what was the matter. " Oh," replied Lewis, "the duchess spoke 
 so t?er2/ kindly to me ! " "My dear fellow," said Colonel Armstrong, "pray 
 don't cry ; I daresay she didn't mean it." 
 
 RAPID PROMOTION. 
 
 A Colonel W had been dining with an old brother ofiicer, who had but 
 
 just returned from India, and whom he had not seen for some years. He 
 
 1 Diggles afterwaa-ds became governor of the military college at Sandliui-st. 
 
 2 See p. 124, 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. . 209 
 
 brought him in the course of the evening to a ball at the Pavilions, the seat 
 of General Moore. The colonel was not exactly inebriated, but somewhat 
 elevated. "With high broad shoulders, epaulettes up to his ears, a stiff 
 military carriage, and a salute rather than a bow, he presented his friend to 
 the General in the following coherent terms : "General Moore, let me intro- 
 duce to you a friend of mine ! " Then, waving his hand from one to the other, 
 in the approved fashion, he said, "General Moore! Captain Cox! — General 
 Cox ! Captain Moore ! " The rapidest instances of promotion and reduction 
 (says J. C. Young) I ever heard of ! 
 
 A FIG FOR HIM. 
 
 Tom Assheton Smith gave J. C. Young the following impromptu by Sir 
 "William Meadows on Lord Cornwallis being voted a plum, after the conquest 
 of Seringapatam, while Tie only was made free of the city by the Grocers' 
 Company, 
 
 " From Leadenhall the reasons (raisins) come 
 Why Grocers made me free ; 
 To you, my lord, they vote a plum, 
 ♦But say a Jig for me." 1 
 
 HE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THEM. 
 
 The Duke of "Wellington used to say of his old aide-de-camp, Sir Colin 
 Campbell, who died at last Lieutenant-Governor of Plymouth — a man gallant, 
 trustworthy, and naturally intelligent — "that he knew no language except 
 his own, and that very incorrectly." I had a French cook in Spain (says 
 Lord "William Lennox), and Colin had charge of my domestic affairs. The 
 hatterie de cuisine was not, as you may suppose, very perfect, and the cook 
 came to Colin to complain. Neither understood a word of what the other was 
 saying, but I overheard this pass between them: ^^ Mais, Monsieur y com/meni 
 travaillerV " Travel," replied Colin, "why, you always travel in a coach; 
 and as for batteries and your quizzing, I know nothing about them." 
 
 COLIN AGAIN. 
 On another occasion (says Lord "William Lennox) when we were in St 
 Jean de Luz, I had the mayor and all the magnates to dine with me. In 
 going away, the mayor took up an umbrella which belonged to Colin, upon 
 which Colin seized the other end of it, and said with a low bow, " C'est 
 moine." 
 
 1 " The Fig for thee, then."— Henry V., act iv., scene 1. 
 O 
 
2IO TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE, 
 
 COLIN ONCE MORE. 
 Again : Later in the evening, this worthy Scot wished to say, " I would if 
 I conld, but I cannot," which he thus rendered, "t/e vovdrais, si je coudrais, 
 rnaisje Tie cannais j^as." 
 
 COLIN, FINALLY. 
 At Paris, in 1815, Colin told us one morning at breakfast that he proposed 
 dining early, so as to go to the play. We felt surprised, as he had always 
 declined to join in any theatrical amusement. "But to-night," said he, 
 "there's to be a grand performance. I find by the play-bills ^RelacTie ' is to 
 be given at all the theatres ; that must be something worth seeing." We 
 allowed him to remain in a happy state of ignorance. 
 
 MITY AND MIGHTY. 
 
 An incident which occurred at the mess of the 1st Life-Guards many years 
 ago, when an incautious visitor, BaccM plenus, referred to the sobriquet that 
 gallant corps bore. "What do you mean by cheesemongers ?" asked an in- 
 furiated Irish cornet, bent on parading the libeller next morning. " Cheese- 
 mongers," replied the other with great CLuickness, "so called after their mity 
 (mighty) deeds." 
 
 A SELL. 
 One of the most amusing men I ever met with (says Lord Williard Lennox) 
 was the late Richard Armit of the 3d, now Fusilier Guards. I remember that 
 upon one occasion he nearly involved himself in a duel. In the days I write 
 of, when the Guards were quartered at Windsor, he dined with me at the 
 mess of the Blues. There happened to be present a fire-eating, quarrelsome 
 man, who had been involved in many of what were termed affairs of honour. 
 Dick, who had all the pluck of a son of Erin, and who had listened patiently 
 to this oracle laying down the law, thought he would cause a laugh at his 
 expense ; so, suddenly turning to him, he quietly said, " I saw a man to-day 
 who would give any sum of money he possessed to kick you." " Kick me !" 
 responded the Sir Lucius O'Trigger. " Kick me ! I call upon you to name 
 him," at the same time turning livid with rage. " Oh, bedad, I'll tell you," 
 replied his tormentor. " I insist upon knowing," interrupted the angry man. 
 "Well, if you wish to know, but it must not go farther — the man was — " 
 "Who? Who?" "Ah, don't be in such a hurry; the man was Billy 
 Water, who goes about in a bowl, because why, he has not any legs, and, by 
 the powers, would give all he has to be able to kick anyone." 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 211 
 
 A SOLDIER'S STORY. 
 Mark Boyd says : — I was accompanying my father over the field of 
 Waterloo, when our guide, an old British soldier who had been in the battle, 
 stopped us rather abruptly at what I should say was the north-east corner of 
 Hougoumont. " Here, sirs, his the werry spot vere 'Is Majesty, King George 
 IV., said the werry cleverest thing that vas hever said afore hor since by hany 
 king, hi doesn't care a morsel vere ye picks 'im. Yell, sirs, ven King George 
 vas hon 'is journey to 'Anover, he pay Waterloo a wisit, hand was haccom- 
 panied by 'Is Royal Highness the Duke o' Clarence hand 'Is Grace the Duke 
 o' Wellington. Just hon this eere spot the Duke o' Wellington's oss slipped 
 hup hon the dry tuff" hand a-throwed the duke. 'Is Majesty vas for ha 
 moment hafeared, so vas the Duke o' Clarence ; but the Duke o' Wellington 
 vas hon 'is feet hin ha moment, hall right. Yen the king sees that, he says 
 to 'is brother, 'Yell, Clarence, ve can say vat t' others can't, that ve seed 
 Wellington a-floored hat Waterloo.' " 
 
 THE LATE LORD CHATHAM. 
 The Earl of Chatham, brother of the Rt. Hon. Wm. Pitt, was (says Raikes) 
 an indolent man, and so remarkable for his want of punctuality that he was 
 frequently called tlie, late Lord Chatham. He commanded the unfortunate 
 expedition to the Isle of Walcheren, while the fleet was entrusted to Admiral 
 Sir Richard Strahan. Their inactivity on this occasion gave rise to the well- 
 known epigram : — 
 
 " Lord Chatham with his sword undrawn. 
 Keeps waiting for Sir Richard Strahan ; 
 Sir Richard, longing to be at 'em, 
 Keeps waiting, too,— for whom ? Lord Chatham ! " 1 
 
 RASH V. CHOLERIC. 
 
 Sir Walter Scott writes : — Colonel Blair told us that at the commencement 
 of the Battle of Waterloo there was some trouble to prevent the men from 
 breaking their ranks. He expostulated with one man — "Why, my good 
 fellow, you cannot propose to beat the French alone ? You had better keep 
 your ranks." The man, who was one of the 71st, returned to his place 
 saying, " I believe you are right, sir, but I am a man of a very hot temper." 
 
 1 There are several slightly-differing versions of this epigram. 
 
212 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE, 
 
 HE NEVER TOOK ANYTHING. 
 Theodore Hook declared that when the "skipper" of a noble schooner asked 
 the owner whether he would like to "take the helm," he replied that "he 
 liever took anything between breakfast and dinner." 
 
 NOT A GREAT ORATOR. 
 
 I remember (says the same writer) once being at a dinner, with the late 
 lamented Prince Consort in the chair, when a general officer got up to return 
 thanks for the army. "May it please— may it please — your Royal — your 
 Eoyal Highness — I rise — I rise to return thanks for the — for the British — 
 British— and — your Royal — " At this moment the toast-master caught hold 
 of the General by the skirts of his coat, and said, " Thank the gentlemen and 
 sit down," which the gallant soldier accordingly did. 
 
 NOT EVEN HIS WIFE. 
 The wife of a colonel at a review in Dublin was stopped by a sentry, and on 
 her telling him she was "the colonel's lady," — "No matter for that, 
 madam," said the sentry; "if you were even his wife you couldn't pass." 
 This old anecdote is embalmed by Moore in his diary. 
 
 HE DIDN'T DRINK FAIR. 
 At a dinner of an Irish volunteer regiment (says Harrison) a member, 
 appealing to the president, said: "Colonel, I wish ye'd spake to Sargeant 
 Skurray, he won't drink fair." "Oh! Sergeant Skurray," exclaimed the 
 colonel, " fill your glass, man, and pass the bottle ! " " Oh ! " was the reply, 
 "it is not that I mane at all, at all ! He's taking two for one." 
 
 TIT FOR TAT. 
 Dr Busby (says Gronow) was notorious for his Spartan discipline, and con- 
 stantly acted up to the old adage of not sparing the rod and spoiling the boy. 
 He was once invited, during a residence at Deal, by an old Westminster — 
 who, from being a very idle well-flogged boy, had, after a course of distinguished 
 service, been named to the command of a fine frigate in the Downs — 
 to visit him on board his ship. The doctor accepted the invitation ; and, 
 after he had got up the ship's side, the captain piped all hands for punishment, 
 and said to the astonished doctor, "You d — d old scoundrel, I am delighted 
 to have the opportunity of paying you off at last. Here, boatswain, give him 
 three dozen." 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 213 
 
 SCOTCH AND IRISH. 
 
 "AN AWFU' NICHT." 
 A Mrs Hughes repeated to J. C. Young several anecdotes whicli site 
 had heard from the mouth of Sir Walter himself; one of Lady Johnson, 
 sister to the late Earl of Buchan and Lord Erskine, and widow of Sir J. 
 Johnson. When on her deathbed, a few hours prior to her dissolution, she 
 had her notice attracted by the violence of a storm which was raging with 
 great fury out of doors. Motioning with her hands to have the curtains 
 thrown open, she looked earnestly at the window through which the lightning 
 was flashing very vividly, and exclaimed to her attendants: "Gude faith, 
 but it's an unco awfu' nicht for me to gang bleezing through the lift !" 
 
 "A WALE 0' WIGS." 
 Another story told by Sir Walter was of a drunken old laird who fell off his 
 pony into the water while crossing a ford in Ettrick. " Eh, Jock," he cried 
 to his man, "there's some puir body fa' en into the water ; I heard a splash ; 
 who is it, man?" "Troth, laird, I canna tell; foreby it's no yersell," said 
 John, dragging him to the bank. The laird's wig meanwhile had fallen oflf 
 into the stream, and John in putting it on again placed it inside out. This, 
 and its being thoroughly soaked, annoyed the old gentleman, who refused to 
 wear it : — "Deil ha' my saul, it's nae my ain wig ; what for do ye no get me 
 my ain wig, ye ne'er-do-weel ? " " Eh then, laird, ye'll no get ony ither wig 
 the nicht, sae e'en pit it on again. There's nae sic a wale o' wigs in the 
 bumie, I jalouse." 
 
 "A PUIR BIT BODIE." 
 Another of Sir Walter Scott's stories was of a party of Highland gentlemen 
 who continued drinking three whole days and nights successively without 
 intermission. "Hech, sirs," cried one at last, "but M'Kinnon looks gash!" 
 '* What for should he no ? " returned his neighbour; " has na' the chiel been 
 dead these twa hoors ? " " Dead," repeated his friend, " an ye did na' tell 
 us before ! " ** Hoot, man," was the answer, " what for should I ha' spoiled 
 gude company for sic a puir bit bodie as yon ? " 
 
 A SCOTCH SHEPHERD. 
 Mark Boyd writes : — My late esteemed friend, Mr John Mackie, M.P. for 
 Kirkcudbrightshire, used to describe an extensive view which one of a friend's 
 
214 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 hills commanded. This he never failed to call to the attention of his English 
 visitors when the weather was clear. Willy the shepherd was always the 
 guide on such occasions^ as he knew precisely the weather that would suit. 
 One forenoon an English friend was placed under Willy's charge to mount 
 the hill, in order to enjoy the glorious view. " I am told, shepherd, you are 
 going to show me a wonderful view." "That's quite true, sir." "What 
 shall I see?" " Weel, ye'll see z, feck (many) o' kingdoms, the best part o' 
 sax, sir." "What the deuce do you mean, shepherd ?" " Weel, sir, I mean 
 what I say." " But tell me all about it." "I'll tell ye naething mair, sir, 
 until we're at the tap o' the hill." The top reached, Willy found everything 
 he could desire in regard to a clear atmosphere. " Noo, sir, I hope you've 
 got guid eenV "Oh, my eyes are excellent." "Then that's a' recht (right), 
 sir." "Noo, div ye see yon hills awa' yonder?" "Yes, I do." " Weel, sir, 
 those are the hills o' Cumberland, and Cumberland's in the kingdom o' 
 England ; that's ae kingdom. Noo, sir, please keep coont. Then, sir, I 
 must noo trouble you to look oiver (over) yonder. Div ye see what I mean ?" 
 "Yes, I do." "That's a' recht. That's the Isle o' Man, and that was a king- 
 dom and a sovereignty in the families o' the Earls of Derby and the Dukes o' 
 Athol frae the days o' King David o' Scotland, if ye ken onything o' Scotch 
 history." "You are quite right, shepherd." "Quite rechty div ye s,2Ly'i. I 
 wouldna hoe hrocJit ye here, sir, if I was to be wrang. Weel^ that's twa 
 kingdoms. Be sure, sir, to keep coont. Noo, turn awee dboot. Div ye sec 
 yon land yonder ? It's a bit fardcr, but never mind that, sae lang as you see 
 it." "I see it distinctly." " TFeel, that's a' I care aboot. Noo, sir, keep 
 coont, for that's Ireland, and maks three kingdoms ; but there's nae trouble 
 aboot the niest (next), for ye're stannen on't — I mean Scoteland. Weel, that 
 tnaks four kingdoms ; div ye admit that, sir?" "Yes, that makes four, and 
 you have two more to sTiow me." "That's true, sir, but don't be in sic (such) 
 a hurry. Weel, sir, just look up aboon (above) yer heed, and this is by far 
 the best of a' the kingdoms ; that, sir, aboon is Heeven. That's five ; and the 
 saxth kingdom is that doon below yer feet, to which, sir, I hope you'll never 
 gang ; but that's a point on which I cannot speak with ony certainty !" 
 
 ANOTHER SCOTCH SHEPHERD. 
 There is no class of persons more truly devout (says J. C. Young) than the 
 shepherds of Scotland. Among them the exercise of family worship is 
 never neglected. It is always gone about with decorum ; but, formality 
 being a thing despised by them, there are no compositions so truly original, 
 occasionally for rude eloquence, and not unfrequently for a plain and some- 
 what unbecoming familiarity. One of the most notable men for this sort of 
 homely fireside eloquence was Adam Scott, of Upper Dalgleish. I had an 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL, 215 
 
 uncle who herded with him, and from him I had many quotations from Adam 
 Scott's prayers. Here is a short sample. "We parteeclarly thank Thee for 
 Thy great gudeness to Meg ; and that it ever cam into your head to tak' ony 
 thought 0' sic a useless bow-wow as her [alluding to a little girl of his who 
 had been miraculously saved from drowning]. For Thy mercy's sake — for the 
 sake 0' Thy puir sinfu' creeturs now addressing Thee in their ain shilly-shally 
 way ; and, for the sake 0' mair than we daur weel name to Thee, hae mercy 
 on our Eob. Ye ken Yoursel', he's a wild mischievous callant, and thinks 
 nae mair o' committing sin than a dog does o' licking a dish. But put Thy 
 hook intil his nose, and Thy bridle intil his gab, and gar him come back to 
 Thee wi' a jerk, that he'll no forget the langest day he has to live. Dinna 
 forget puir Jamie, who's far awa frae us the night. Keep Thy arm o' power 
 about him, and, ech, sirs, I wish Ye wad endow him wi' a little spunk and 
 smeddnm to act for his sell : for if Ye dinna, he'll be but a bauchle i' this 
 warld, and a back-sitter i' the next. Thou hast added ane to our family. 
 \N.B. — One of his sons had just married against his approbation]. So has 
 been Thy will. It wad never hae been mine. But, if it is of Thee, do Thou 
 bless the connection. But, if the fule hath done it out o' carnal desire, 
 against a' reason and credit, may the cauld rain o' adversity settle in his 
 habitation." 
 
 THE ONE FROM THE OTHER. 
 The following occurs in Jerdan's Autobiography: — One of the small tenants 
 [on a Scotch estate] happened to die in the winter, when the severe weather 
 rendered it impossible to proceed to the [cemetery] with the body for interment. 
 Some time, therefore, elapsed before the ceremony was performed; but at length 
 Donald was properly buried, and the clergyman of the parish, and the neigh- 
 bours who had attended the funeral returned, as is usual in these parts, to 
 the dwelling of the widow for refreshments. [The cleric] found her in great 
 tribulation, weeping and wailing for her loss, and addressed her : " Janet, ma 
 woman, this excessive sorrow is unbecoming and unchristian ; remember you 
 have a family to care for, and ought not to give way to useless grief. " 
 "Ohone, ohone!" was all that the sobbing Janet could reply, and the 
 minister went on: — "Janet, desist. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh 
 away." "Oh, aye !" cried Janet, "blessed be His holy name ! Truly, sir, 
 a' shoudna tak on sae, but he was a gude man to me. Donald, Donald — 
 whew!" Another reproof brought the poor woman more to her senses, and 
 she confessed that she ought not to lament so loudly, seeing she was sure, 
 "by this time the dear departed was in Belzebub's bosom." "Belzebub's 
 bosom !" exclaimed the minister. "It is Abraham's bosom, ye mean. Hae 
 ye sat sae lang under ma ministry, and no ken the difference between 
 
2i6 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 Belzebub and Abraham?" " Waes me, waes me," rejoined the widow, "I'm 
 a puir ignorant creature ! Belzebub and Abra-ham — Abra-ham and Belzebub ; 
 a' declare that in spite o' aw yer teaching, a' wadna ken the ane frae the ither 
 gin they were baith standing afore me ! " 
 
 HER DAVIE. 
 
 Moore records in his Diary : — Talked of Sir David Baird, his roughness, &c. 
 His mother said, when she heard of his being taken prisoner at Seringa- 
 patam, and of the prisoners being chained together two and two, " God help 
 the man that's tied to my Davie." 
 
 TAKING HER BREAKFAST. 
 JIark Boyd narrates this of his cook in Scotland, whom he found one night 
 after twelve o'clock sipping her tea: — "Halloa, cook! how late you are in 
 drinking you tea. " " Na, na, sir, I am no at my tea, I am at my breakfast, 
 as I tliocM it best to tak mine afore ganging to bed, as you and the ither young 
 gentlemen hae ordered yours to be ready at five, that ye mae get aff in guid 
 time to the muirs." 
 
 HONEST MAN! 
 
 Frederick Locker writes: — Miss D., on her return to the Highlands of 
 Scotland from Rome, went to see an auld Scottish wife, and said, to interest 
 the woman, " I have been to Rome since I last saw you. I have seen all 
 sorts of people. I have seen the Pope." The sympathetic old dame replied, 
 with animation, *' The Pope of Rome ! — honest man ! — haze he ony family ?" 
 
 WHAT AILED HIM ? 
 
 A friend tells me (says the same writer) a funny little story of Mrs 
 
 (the grandmother of Colonel M ), who was shown a picture of Joseph and 
 
 Potiphar's wife, in which, of course, the patriarch exhibited his usual desire 
 
 to withdraw himself from her sooiety. Mrs looked at it for a little while, 
 
 and then said, ' ' Eh, now, and what ails him at the lassie ? " 
 
 AN IJMPRESSIVE ADJURATION. 
 A Bailie of Dundee, after witnessing the Lord Justice-Clerk pass sentence 
 of death very impressively on a criminal, happening to have a fine of eighteen- 
 pence to impose on an offender, thus solemnly addressed him:— -"You must 
 either go to jail or pay the money, and the Lord have mercy on your soul ! " 
 Jerdan tells the anecdote. 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 217 
 
 MORE CURIOUS THAN EDIFYING. 
 Mrs Somerville says in her Autobiography : — My mother set me in due time 
 to learn the catechism of the Kirk of Scotland, and to attend the public 
 examinations in the kirk. These meetings were attended by a great many old 
 women, who came to be edified. They were an acute race, and could quote 
 chapter and verse of Scripture as accurately as the minister himself. I re- 
 member he said to one of them, " Peggie, what lightened the v/orld before the 
 sun was made?" After thinking for a minute, she said, "'Deed, sir, the 
 question is mair curious than edifying. " . 
 
 "AVE ARE A' THAT!" 
 
 Sir James on one occasion had ventured (says F. Locker) to buy a cow 
 
 without consulting his dairy-maid, a great authority on such matters. "When 
 the new purchase was exhibited to her, she found herself divided between her 
 love of truth and her amiable desire not to wound the feelings of her beloved 
 master by expressing her candid opinion. She looked meditatively at the 
 new acquisition, and then said, " She's a bonnie beastie " (pause). " She's 
 some hee (high) at the root o' the tail" (longer pause) — "but we're cC that." 
 
 COMPLIMENTARY. 
 Says Frederick Locker again: — My friend Admiral E. E., shortly after his 
 
 return from a cruise, met an old acquaintance in the streets of , who said, 
 
 after the usual salutations had passed, " They tell me, Admiral, that ye had 
 got married?" The Admiral, hoping for a compliment, replied, "Why, 
 Bailie, I'm getting on, I'm not so young as I was, you see, and none of the 
 girls will have me. " On which the Bailie, with perfect good faith and sim- 
 plicity, replied, * ' 'Deed, Admiral, I was na evenin' ye to a lassie, but there's 
 mony a fine, respeckit, half -worn wumman wud be glad to tak ye." 
 
 GOOD ADVICE. 
 A Highland Donald was tried for a capital oflfence, and had a rather narrow 
 escape; but the jury (says Jerdan) found him "not guilty." Whereupon the 
 judge, in discharging, thought fit to admonish him. "Prisoner! before you 
 leave the bar, let me give you a piece of advice. You have got off this time, 
 but if ever you come before me again, I'll be caution (surety) yoiCll he hanged^ 
 "Thank you, my lord," answered Donald; "thank you for your good advice; 
 and as I'm na ungratefu', I beg to gie your lordship a piece of advice in 
 return. Never be caution for ony body, for the cautioner has often to pay 
 the penalty." 
 
2i8 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 HIS LAST. 
 A Highland chief, being on his deathbed, was exhorted to forgive his 
 enemies. He called his eldest son to his bedside, and thus (says Jerdan) 
 spoke his last: — "Donald, you see what a pass I hae come to, and I am told 
 that I must forgive my enemies, and especially the M'Tavish; and, for my 
 soul's sake, I do forgie him accordingly. But, Donald, ma dear son, if ever 
 ye forgie the Tavish, or ony o' his infernal name, may ma curse rest on ye for 
 ever and ever. Amen ! " 
 
 TAKING TIME BY THE FORELOCK. 
 
 My grandmother (says Mark Boyd) once awoke my gi-andfather in the 
 middle of the night, and told him that she much feared their son "Willie, who 
 slept next room to them, had become deranged, as she had been listening to 
 him for some time speaking loudly and rapidly to himself. Her husband 
 listened, and came to the same conclusion; and they forthwith hurried to 
 their boy's bedroom to know what was the matter. "Willie's explanation was, 
 that as they were going to the seaside next day, he wished to save time, and 
 was saying his prayers over and over to last him during the holidays. 
 
 "ONY LASSIE COULD HAE TOLD YE THAT." 
 Says Archdeacon Sinclair : — I was conversing one day with Dr "Williams 
 about schools and school examinations. He said, "Let me give you a curious 
 example of an examination at which I was j)resent in Aberdeen. An English 
 clergyman and a Lowland Scotsman visited one of the best parish schools in 
 that city. They were strangers, but the master received them civilly, and 
 inquired, * "Would you prefer that I should speer these boys, or that you should 
 ^eer them yourselves ? ' The English clergyman having ascertained that to 
 speer meant to question, desired the master to proceed. He did so with great 
 success, and the boys answered satisfactorily numerous interrogatories as to 
 the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt. The clergyman then said he would 
 be glad in his turn to speer the boys, and at once began ; ' How did Pharaoh 
 die?' There was a dead silence. In this dilemma the Lowland gentleman 
 interposed : ' I think, sir, the boys are not accustomed to your English accent ; 
 let me try what I can make. of them.' And he inquired in broad Scotch: 
 * Hoo did Phawraoh dee ?' Again there was a dead silence; upon which the 
 master said: ' I think, gentlemen, you can't s^ccr these boys; I'll show you 
 how to do it !' And he proceeded: * Fat cam to Phawraoh at his hinder end?' 
 i. e. , in his latter days. The boys, with one voice, answered, * He was drooned ; ' 
 and a smart little fellow added, * Ony lassie could hae told ye that.' The 
 master then explained, that in the Aberdeen dialect, * to dee ' means to die a 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 219 
 
 natural death, or to die in bed ; hence the perplexity of the boys, who knew 
 that Pharaoh's end was very different." 
 
 HIS PREFERENCE. 
 There was a Presbyterian minister (says J. C. Young) who married a couple 
 of his rustic parishioners, and had felt exceedingly disconcerted, on his ask- 
 ing the bridegroom if he were willing to take the woman for his wedded wife, 
 by his scratching his head and saying, " Ay — I'm wullin', but I'd rather 
 hae her sister." 
 
 "SUCH A SET." 
 The minister of Renfrew (says Jerdan) was desired to pray for some newly- 
 elected bailies, and thus he performed his apologetic duty: "I should ha'," 
 said he, " to petition again for the sake of ithers ; but, and — d, it is na worth 
 while to trouble ye for such a set o' puir bodies ! " 
 
 CHRISTIANS WANTED. 
 Sir John Malcolm was wont (says the same writer) to tell one unvarying 
 tale at the expense of my good border name. An English traveller, benighted 
 on a bitter night in the wilds of Liddesdale, got at last to a straggling village, 
 in one attic, i.e.^ second floor, of which there was a light burning. By re- 
 peated knocking on the door he at length roused the inmate, an ancient 
 crone, who opened the casement. "Is there any Christians here," he ex- 
 claimed; "if so, pray let me in for shelter!" "Na, na," responded the old 
 lady; " na, na, gif ye want Christians ye maun ride to the next town — we 
 are a' Jerdans and Johnstones here ! " I should state that the family name of 
 Christian was equally predominant in the town referred to. 
 
 "DON'T BE AFRAID." 
 It was at Kilravock (says Lord Cockburn) that old Henry Mackenzie used 
 to tell that a sort of household officer was kept, whose duty it was to prevent 
 the drunk guests from choking. Mackenzie was once at a festival there, 
 towards the close of which the exhausted topers sank gradually back and 
 down on their chairs, till little of them was seen above the table except their 
 noses ; and at last they disappeared altogether and fell on the floor. Those 
 who were too far gone to rise lay there from necessity ; while those who, like 
 the Man of Feeling, were glad of a pretence for escaping, fell into a dose from 
 policy. While Mackenzie was in this state, he was alarmed by feeling a hand 
 working about his throat, and called out. A voice answered, " Dinna be 
 feared, sir, it's me." " And who are you?" " A'm the lad that louses the 
 craavats. " 
 
220 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 SHAKESPEARE A SCOTCHMAN. 
 Here is one of Dean Ramsay's stories which is not in his Reminiscences:'*- — 
 An Englishman was speaking one day to a Scotchman. The Scotchman said, 
 *' It is not mere national pride if I say, what is a matter of fad, ^ viz., that 
 my country is the finest in the world!" "Well," said John Bull, "if it be 
 the finest, it is not the biggest. I suppose you'll allow that England is bigger 
 than Scotland?" " 'Deed, sir," answered Sandy, " I'll allow nae sic a thing; 
 for if oor grand hills were rolled out as flat as England is, Scotland wad be the 
 bigger o' the twa!" "Well," retorted John Bull, "you'll acknowledge that 
 Shakespeare was not a Scotchman?" Discomfited at this home-thrust, but 
 not disheartened, he once more replied, "I'll acknowledge that Shakespeare 
 \\o.^pairts (parts) that would justify the inference that he was a Scotchman." 
 
 HE READ! 
 It is a well-known fact (says J. C. Young) that Presbyterians, with few 
 -exceptions, have an invincible repugnance to a sermon conned over and com- 
 posed in the study, on the ground of its lacking spontaneity and the apparent 
 impress of the Spirit. I have a distinct recollection, one Sunday, when I 
 was living at Cults, and when a stranger was officiating for Dr Gillespie, 
 observing that he had not proceeded five minutes with his " discourse," be- 
 fore there was a general commotion and stampede. The exodus at last became 
 so serious, that, conceiving something to be wrong, probably a fire in the 
 manse, I caught the infection, and eagerly inquired of the first person I 
 encountered in the churchyard what was the matter, and was told, with an 
 expression of sovereign scorn and disgust, ' * Losh keep ye, young man ; hae 
 ye eyes and see not ? Hae ye ears and hear not ? The man reads /" 
 
 A USEFUL TOOTHPICK. 
 
 Tom Campbell (says Jerdan) told an amusing story of an accident that had 
 happened to him in a small country inn when travelling in Scotland. He had 
 been stopped by the weather in the afternoon, had dined, and indulged him- 
 self with a toothpick to wile away the idle after-hour. Enter chambermaid — 
 "Sir, if ye please, are ye dune with the toothpick?" "Why do you ask? 
 I suppose I may pick away as long as I like?" "Oh, dear, na, sir, for it 
 belongs to the Club, and they hae been met amaist an hour ! " The disgust 
 with which the instrument was thrown away may be more readily imagined 
 than described. 
 
 1 We make no attempt to draw upon this familiar repository of "good things." 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 221 
 
 EASILY FKIGHTENED. 
 Quaint terms (says Jerdan) often baffle the skill of tlie lawyer. On a trial 
 for murder of an excise officer, an old rogue of a town carrier was giving evi- 
 dence in favour of the smugglers where the affray ended so fatally. He swore 
 that "a wee bit of a pistol was held up merely to frighten the officer," when 
 [Henry] Erskine produced a huge horse pistol, to overwhelm the witness, and 
 triumphantly asked him if that was the sort of engine merely to frighten 
 people. "Idinna ken," was the answer; "some folks, like you, are easily 
 frightened." 
 
 OVER-PAID. 
 
 Luttrell (says Moore) once told of an Irishman who, having jumped into the 
 water to save a man from drowning, upon receiving sixpence from the person 
 as a reward for the service, looked first at the sixpence, then at, him, and at 
 last exclaimed, " By Jasus, I'm over-paid for the job." 
 
 AT THEIR EASE. 
 Luttrell also told a story of some Irish lady who had been travelling with 
 her family, and on being asked whether they had seen Aix, answered, "Oh, 
 yes! indeed ; very much at our as& everywhere." 
 
 RINGING THE CHANGES. 
 Dawson (says Moore) told a good story about the Irish landlord counting 
 out the change of a guinea. ** 12, 13, 14 " (a shot heard) ; ** Bob, go and 
 see who's that that's killed; 15, 16, 17" (enter Bob). "It's Kelly, sir." 
 " Poor Captain Kelly, a very good customer of mine; 18, 19, 20 — there's your 
 change, sir." 
 
 FOR HIS DIVERSION. 
 Some of Luttrell's Irish stories (says Sydney Smith) were most amusing. 
 One : "Is your master at home, Paddy ? " " No, your honour." " Why, I 
 saw him go in five minutes ago." ** Faith, your honour, he's not exactly at 
 home, he's only there in the backyard a-shooting rats with cannon, your 
 honour, for his devarsion." 
 
 A PLEASANT FEMALE. 
 They do nothing in Ireland (says Sydney Smith) as they would do else- 
 where. "When the Dublin mail was stopped and robbed, my brother declares 
 that a sweet female voice was heard behind the hedge, exclaiming, "Shoot 
 the gintleman, then, Patrick, dear ! " 
 
222 TREA SURY OF MODERN A NEC DO TE. 
 
 BARRING THE BEEF. 
 Moore writes in his Diary : — Abundance of Irish stories from Lattin ; some 
 of them very good. A man asked another man to come and dine off boiled 
 beef and potatoes with him. " That I will, " says the other ; '* and it's rather 
 odd it should be exactly the same dinner I had at home for myself, barring 
 the beef. " 
 
 OPEN TO JUDGMENT. 
 When O'Connell, in his last speech [1831], said, " I am open to conviction," 
 some one in the crowd said, " and to judgment, I hope. " Moore tells the tale. 
 
 BLACK ALREADY. 
 Greville writes on one occasion : — Moore told several stories which I don't 
 recollect. And this amused us : — Some Irish had emigrated to some West 
 Indian colony ; the negroes soon learnt their brogue, and when another ship- 
 load of Irish came soon after, the negroes, as they sailed in, said, '*Ah, 
 Paddy, how are you?" "What," said one of them, **y're become black 
 already ! " 
 
 HE WANTED HIS SPECTACLES. 
 Party spirit in Dublin (says Jerdan) was at one time attended by continual 
 duels. It was upon one of these occasions that Giffard, the editor of the DiLh- 
 lin Journal, being called out, appeared on the ground with his spectacles on. 
 This was objected to by his adversary's second, and he was desired to take 
 them off, which he did, exclaiming, *' By my soul, this is too bad. I could 
 not see to shoot my own father without them ! " 
 
 OUT OF THE WAY. 
 Morgan John O'Connell, nephew of the agitator had (says Harrison) the 
 ready wit of his country in a remarkable degree. We were walking by 
 the Wey one day when an Oxford graduate, a Mr White, who had a taste for 
 botany, plucked a flower {Balsamum impatiens) from the river, remarking 
 that ** it was a very rare plant." " It is an out-of-the- Wey one, at any rate," 
 was the instantaneous reply. 
 
 IT BEAT EVERYTHING. 
 Charles Kemble told the story of how, one day, he was followed up Sack- 
 ville Street, Dublin, by two beggar women, between whom the following dia- 
 logue passed, evidently with a veiw to his edification : — " Och, but he's an 
 illgant man, is Misther Charles Kemble ! " " An', 'deed, so was his brudher, 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 223 
 
 Misther John, thin — a moighty foine man ! and to see his demanour, puttin' 
 his hand in his pocket and givin' me sixpence, bate all the world ! " 
 
 NO EXAGGERATION. 
 A person, who shall be nameless, goes to purchase a horse of an Irish 
 dealer. Buyer: ** Have you got a clever horse to show me?" Seller: "I 
 have that, sir," Buyer (looking at a horse that is brought out for inspection): 
 "Is he a good hunter?" Seller : "Is it a hunter, sir? Why, then, sir, I'll 
 be open with ye. He's a craving oss, but he's what I call a flippant lepper 
 (leaper). I might say he's the most intricTcate-leit oss in the north of Ire- 
 land." Buyer: " Is he a good hack ?" Seller: ** Is it a hack you mane, sir? 
 Well, sir, I'll be fair with ye. He could not, convaniently to himself, trot 
 under sixteen miles the hour." Buyer: "And whereabouts is the figure?" 
 Seller: "And is it the figure, sir? Then, I'll tell you, by the virtue of my 
 oath, I should consider it my duty to go a hundred miles to call anny man out 
 who would preshume to offer me less than £80 for him." Buyer : "Is he good 
 at water?" Seller: "Is it wather, bedad?" (looking round, and standing 
 up in his stirrups, and surveying the country, as if he were a stranger in these 
 parts) — "Boys, is there anny canals about?" This story is narrated by J. 
 C. Young. 
 
 PARADOXES EVEN. 
 Planche writes in one place:— A nobleman I met at dinner some time ago 
 told us he had been shooting at a friend's place on the west coast of Ireland, 
 and that the gamekeeper had indulged in the most exaggerated accounts of 
 the quantity of every description of game upon his master's estate. Nothing 
 that ever ran or flew that his lordship inquired about but was asserted by the 
 man could be found there by hundreds and thousands. Having, for amuse- 
 ment's sake, exhausted the catalogue of "fur and feather," probable or im- 
 probable, and received the most positive assurance of the existence of every 
 beast and bird in abundance, he asked, "Are there any paradoxes ? " This 
 was rather a poser; but, after a moment's hesitation, the keeper answered 
 undauntedly, "Bedad, then, your lordship may find two or three of them 
 sometimes on the sand when the tide's out." 
 
 "BUONO MANO." 
 
 When I was in Italy (says Mark Boyd) a quarter of a century back, it used 
 
 to be alleged that, pay an Italian postboy as liberally as you liked, he would 
 
 still ask you for a " buono mano." The Irish Dublin carman is said to belong 
 
 to the Italian school in this respect. The peculiarity came on the tapis at a 
 
224 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 dinner party at Morrison's Hotel in Dublin, when one of the party present 
 defended Paddy from what he considered an unjust imputation; and, in sup- 
 port of his opinion, offered to bet his friends £10 that he would drive from 
 their hotel to the Rotunda, at the top of Sackville Street, and back without 
 any such importunity, one of the party to accompany him, as a guarantee that 
 nothing ex curia was said to Paddy en route. Accordingly, an outside car was 
 sent for, and started for the Rotunda, the rest of the party awaiting its return 
 outside the hotel. Paddy set down his two passengers, and was presented 
 with three half-crowns, being more than three times his fare. He turned 
 them over in his hand, and then said, " Och, yer honour, can't you ^w^ make 
 it the natc half-sovereign ?" 
 
 HIS WIFE A WIDOW. 
 Planche writes in another place: — My old fellow-traveller in Germany, him- 
 self an Irishman, being on the box of an Irish mail-eoach on a very cold day, 
 and observing the driver enveloping his neck in the voluminous folds of an 
 ample ** comforter," remarked, "You seem to be taking very good care of 
 yourself, my friend?" "Oh, to be sure I am, sir," answered the driver; 
 " what's all the world to a man when his wife's a widdy ?" 
 
 KO STRANGER THERE. 
 Planchfe writes elsewhere: — An acquaintance of mine who frequently visited 
 Ireland, and generally stopped and dined at the same hotel in Dublin, on his 
 arrival one day, perceived a paper wafered on the looking-glass in the coffee- 
 room, with the following written notice: — " Strangers are particularl}'- requested 
 not to give any money to the waiters, as attendance is charged for in the bill." 
 The man who had waited on him at dinner, seeing him reading this notice, 
 said, " Oh, Misther ! sure that doesn't concern you in any way. Your 
 
 QUITE SUFFICIENT. 
 Raikes diarizes: — Glengall, talking at dinner to-day of his countrymen, and 
 the ready wit of the lower orders in Ireland, said, " Old Lord Castlemaine was 
 extremely rich, but a miser. One day he was stopping in his carriage to change 
 horses at the inn at Athlone, when the carriage was surrounded by paupers 
 imploring alms, to whom he turned a deaf ear, and drew up the glass. A 
 ragged old woman in the crowd cried out, * Faith, an' it's no use ; ' but, going 
 round to the other side of the carriage, she bawled out, in the old peer's hear- 
 ing, * Plase you, my lord, just chuck one tinpenny out of your coach, and 
 I'll answer it will trate all your friends in Athlone.'" 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 225 
 
 TOO BAD. 
 " The mercy of God follow you !" exclaimed a beggar-woman in Dublin to 
 a passing stranger ; "give a poor soul a halfpenny." ** I haven't got one." 
 " Oh, the mercy of God follow — " "Go away, woman!" " And" (changing 
 her tone and shaking her fist at him) '■^ niver overtake youT' This is one of 
 Planch^'s stories. 
 
 CONCLUSIVE. 
 A Mrs Moll Harding kept the natest inn at Ballyroan, close to my father's 
 house. I recollect (says Barington) to have heard a passenger (they are 
 very scarce there) telling her "that his sheets had not been aired." With 
 great civility Moll Harding begged his honour's pardon, and said: "They 
 certainly were and Tnust have been well aired, for there was not a gentleman 
 came to the house this last fortnight that had not slept in them !" 
 
 HIS FAVOUPJTE GUNS. 
 When (says Lord Wm. Lennox) my father was Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, 
 among those who were on the most intimate terms with my family, were Mr 
 Gun and his two daughters. These young ladies were as beautiful as they were 
 talented, and of course were the objects of ill nature and spite to their less- 
 favoured sex. The slightest attention paid to them by my father was severely 
 commented upon by many a prim, stiff-necked old lady, and by many an an- 
 tiquated spinster, who shook their heads, and exclaimed — "Dreadful! how 
 shocking ! the poor Duchess ! who'd have thought it ! " with other pious and 
 charitable ejaculations which such people usually indulge in. One night at 
 the theatre, when a play, founded on Defoe's beautiful romance of "Robin- 
 son Crusoe " was being performed, and the Viceroy, surrounded by his wife, 
 sons, and daughters, was all intent upon the drama, the hero of the piece 
 made his appearance in his savage dress, with two fowling-pieces under his 
 arms, supposed to have been saved from the wreck. No sooner did the actor 
 come forward, and was seen tracking the footsteps which he afterwards found 
 to be those of his man Friday, than, amidst a breathless silence, a man called 
 out from the upper regions — "Why, sure enough, if it an't the Lord-Lieu- 
 tenant himself, with his two favourite gwns under his arms." 
 
 MORE POINTED THAN POLITE. 
 An anecdote connected with the Duke of Rutland, who, in 1784, was Lord- 
 Lieutenant of Ireland, relates to a state visit paid by His Excellency to the 
 Royal Theatre in Crow Street, now no longer in existence, when a man in the 
 gallery shouted out: — " Who was seen last evening coming out of Poll Flana- 
 
226 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 gan's house ?" meaning a female of rather unenviable notoriety in Dublin, 
 and with whose charms the scandalmongers falsely hinted the Viceroy was 
 captivated. The reply — "Manners, you blackguard!" Quick as it was 
 (says Lord Wm. Lennox), it was more pointed than polite. 
 
 FOREIGNERS. 
 
 HIS TWENTIETH OF MARCH. 
 
 Louis XVIII. (says Lady Davies) did not like Talleyrand,^ and none 
 the more so because he felt that his own somewhat pedantic conversa- 
 tion was overpowered by the Prince's brilliant intelligence. Sometimes a 
 sharp though short encounter of words would take place between His Majesty 
 and the great diplomatist ; and one of these encounters I remember to have 
 occurred on a court day at the Tuileries when I was present. The King and 
 the Duchess d'Angouleme were both receiving that day ; the rooms were 
 almost full, and His Majesty appeared to be in most excellent spirits. Pre- 
 sently Prince de Talleyrand came in, and it was soon rumoured that he had 
 asked for leave of absence from the King. Now everybody in Paris at that 
 time knew that Talleyrand, though separated from his wife, was often threat- 
 ened by her with the assurance that she would insist on taking up her abode 
 with him, if he did not at once send whatever sums of money she happened 
 to require. So the King being in a merry mood, said, quite aloud, to the 
 Prince, as the latter approached His Majesty, — " Why, Prince, I hear that, as 
 Madame de Talleyrand has just arrived in Paris, you wish to leave ; " and as 
 Lous XVIII. said this he laughed, his laugh being of course echoed in- 
 stantly by the numerous courtiers present who had heard his words. But 
 Talleyrand only bowed, and in a clear sonorous voice replied, — "Yes, your 
 Majesty, it is my 20th of March." It was then the King's turn to get up a 
 laugh at his own expense, but he merely coloured and looked annoyed, for 
 few things galled him more than an allusion to his flight on the date just 
 named— a flight caricatured at the time in Paris by a flock of geese waddling 
 out from the Tuileries, while eagles were flying in. 
 
 A ROYAL PUN. 
 Louis XVIII. (says Raikes) always professed himself an esprit fort. My 
 friend General Clari told me that, on the Sunday preceding his dissolution, 
 
 1 The famous French diplomatist; 5. 1754, d. 1S38. 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 227 
 
 the officer on guard at the Tuileries came to him as usual in the evening to 
 receive the parole and the countersign to be given to the troops. It is cus- 
 tomary on these occasions to give the name of a saint for the one and of a 
 fortified town for the other. Louis, with a significant look, gave " St Denis 
 and Gyvet " (J'y vais). He might be said to have died with a calemlourg in 
 his mouth. 
 
 "ALREADY?" 
 
 Nobody's wit (says Sydney Smith) was of so high an order as Talleyrand's, 
 or has so well stood the test of time. You remember when his friend Mont- 
 rond was taken ill, and exclaimed, ' ' Mon ami, je sens les tourmens de 
 I'enfer." *' Quoi ! dejk ?" was his reply. ^ 
 
 A DOWNWARD TENDENCY. 
 Talleyrand's hoins mots (says Raikes) always fly about. His friend Montrond 
 has been subject of late to epileptic fits, one of which attacked him lately 
 after dinner at Talleyrand's. While he lay on the floor in convulsions, scratch- 
 ing the carpet with his hands, his benign host remarked with a sneer — " C'est 
 qu'il me paralt, qu'il veut absolument descendre." 
 
 ''YOU CAN SWIM!" 
 When Talleyrand sat at dinner between Madame de Stael and Madame 
 Recamier, the celebrated beauty, Madame de Stael, whose beauties (says 
 Sydney Smith) were certainly not those of the person, jealous of his attentions 
 to her rival, insisted upon knowing which he would save if they were both 
 drowning. After seeking in vain to evade her, he at last turned towards her 
 and said, with his usual shrug, "Ah, madam, vous savez nager." 
 
 NEITHER ONE NOR THE OTHER. 
 When some one exclaimed, "Me voila entre I'esprit et la beaute," Talley- 
 rand answered, " Oui, et sans posseder ni I'un, ni 1' autre." 
 
 BEGINS TOO SOON AND ENDS TOO LATE. 
 Talleyrand said of a certain lady, "Oui, elle est belle, tres belle 
 pour la toilette, cela commence trop tard and finit trop t8t." 
 
 1 " I find," says Lady Holland, " that Talleyrand used to tell this story as having passed 
 between Cardinal De la Roche-Guyon, a celebrated epicure, and his confessor." 
 
228 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 AGGRESSIVE BENEVOLENCE. 
 Of Lord Holland, Talleyrand said, " C 'est la bienveillance memo, mais la 
 bienveillance la plus perturbative que j'ai jamais connu." 
 
 A M T. 
 
 According to Raikes, Talleyrand said of Lady Holland, "EUe est tonte 
 assertion, mais quand on demande la preuve, c'est la son secret." 
 
 AN ENORMOUS LATITUDE. 
 Talking in Talleyrand's presence (says Sydney Smith) to my brother Bobus,^ 
 who was just then beginning his career at the bar, I said, "Mind, Bobus, 
 when you are Chancellor I shall expect one of your best livings." "Oui, mon 
 ami," said Bobus, " mais d'abord je vous ferai commettre toutes les bassesses 
 dont les pretres sont capables." - On which Talleyrand, throwing up his hands 
 and eyes, exclaimed with a shrug, " Mais quelle latitude enorme !" 
 
 VERY CURIOUS. 
 For several days (says Lord Balling and Bulwer) M. de Talleyrand saw, with- 
 out recognizing, a well-dressed individual, with his hat in his hand, and bowing 
 very low as he mounted the steps of his coach. "Etqui etes vous, mon 
 ami?" he said at last. "Je suis votre cariossier, Monseigneur." "Ah! vous 
 etes, mon cariossier; et que voulez vous, mon cariossier?" "Je veux etre 
 paye, Monseigneur," said the coachmaker, humbly. "Ah, vous ^tes mon 
 caitossier, et vous voulez etre paye ; vous serez paye, mon cariossier." "Et 
 quand, Monseigneur?" "Hum!" muttered the bishop, looking at the coach- 
 maker very attentively, and at the same time settling himself in his new 
 carriage ; "vous etes bien curieux !" 
 
 WHEN WILL IT END ? 
 Talleyrand's (says the same authority) was the saying, cited by Chamfort, 
 d, propos of Rulhieres,^ who, on observing that he did not know Avhy he wa? 
 called ill-natured, for in all his life he had never done but one ill-natured 
 action, was replied to by M. de Talleyrand's drily observing, '* Et quand 
 finira-t-il 1 "— " When will it end ? " ^ 
 
 » Robert. See p. 34. 
 
 2 "Le coni.dent du Marechal de Richelieu, le poete de la duchesse d'Egraont/' etc. 
 
 •■ Recm-ded also by Raikes. 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 229 
 
 AT NINE. 
 One evening, playing at long whist, the conversation turned on an old lady 
 who had married her footman ; some people expressed their surprise, Avhen 
 M, de Talleyrand, counting his points, drawled out in a slow voice, ' ' At 
 nine, one does not count honours." 
 
 EVERYTHING USEFUL. 
 
 Talleyrand, speaking of the members of the French Academy, observed — 
 "After all, it is possible they may one day or other do something remarkable. 
 A flock of geese once saved the capital of Rome." 
 
 A PREGNANT POSTSCRIPT. 
 Talleyrand had a confidential servant excessively devoted to his interests, 
 but withal superlatively inquisitive. Having one day entrusted him with a 
 letter, the prince watched his faithful valet from the window of his apartment, 
 and with some surprise saw him reading the letter en route. On the next day 
 a similar commission was confided to the servant, and to the second letter was 
 added a postscript, couched in the following terms : — " You may send a verbal 
 answer by the bearer ; he is perfectly acquainted with the whole affair, 
 having taken the precaution to read this previousto its delivery." 
 
 WHAT HAD PASSED. 
 
 A council of the ministry having sat three hours upon some important 
 question, an eminent nobleman met Talleyrand as he came from the meeting, 
 and asked, " Qui s'est il passe, dans ce conseil ? " to which the witty diploma- 
 tist answered, " Trois heures !" 
 
 LIKE THE BOOK. 
 M. de Chateaubriand was no favourite with M. de Talleyrand. When the 
 " Martyrs '* first appeared, it was run after by the public with an appetite 
 which the booksellers could not satisfy. M. de Fontanges, after speaking of 
 It with an exaggerated eulogium, finished his explanation of the narrative by 
 paying that Endore and Cymodocee were thrown into tlie circus and devoured 
 " par les bStes." ** Conime I'ouvrage," said M. de Talleyrand. 
 
 TWO OF THEM. 
 A distinguished personage (says the same authority) once remarked to 
 Talleyrand, " In the Upper Chamber at least are to be found men possessed 
 of consciences." "Consciences," replied Talleyrand, "to be sure; I know 
 many a peer who has got two." 
 
230 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 HE HAS STUDIED HIMSELF. 
 Some persons saying that Fouche had a great contempt for mankind, 
 " C'est vrai," said M. de Talleyrand; "cet homme s'est beaucoup etudie'." 
 
 BITTER. 
 
 On a certain occasion (says the Foreign Literary Gazette) a friend was 
 conversing with Talleyrand on the subject of Mademoiselle Duchenois, the 
 French actress, and another lady, neither of them remarkable for beauty. 
 The first happens to have peculiarly bad teeth, the latter none at all. *' If 
 
 Madame S ," said Talleyrand, "only had teeth she would be as ugly as 
 
 Mademoiselle Duchenois. " 
 
 OH! AND AH! 
 
 Dedel told in Moore's presence of the Duchesse de Grammont, sister of the 
 Due de Choiseul, coming to dinner, and on her passing the ante-room where 
 Talleyrand was standing, he looked up and exclaimed significantly, "Ah!" 
 In the course of the dinner, the lady having asked him across the table why 
 he had uttered the exclamation of "Oh !" on her entrance, Talleyrand, with a 
 grave, self-vindicatory look, answered, " Madame, .je n'ai pas dit, oh ! j'ai 
 dit ah ! " Comical, very (adds Moore) without once being able to define why 
 it is so. 
 
 CIVIL V. MILITARY. 
 Moore narrates the remark of the French military coxcomb to Talleyrand: 
 "Nous appelons pequin tout ce qui n'est pas militaire." Also, Talleyrand's 
 answer : " Et nous, nous appelons militaire tout ce qui n'est pas civil." 
 
 IT WAS HIS FATHER. 
 Lord John Russell told Moore that Bobus Smith one day, in conversation 
 with Talleyrand, having brought in somehow the beauty of his mother, T. 
 said, " C etait done votre pere qui n' etait pas bien ? " 
 
 HELAS AND OH! OH! 
 In Moore's Diary also we read the etory of the lady who wrote to Talleyrand, 
 informing him, in high-flown terms of grief, of the death of her husband, and 
 expecting an eloquent letter of condolence in return. His answer only, * ' Helas, 
 Madame, votre afiectionne, etc., Talleyrand." In less than a year, another 
 letter from the same lady informed him of her having married again, to which 
 he returned an answer in the same laconic style : — "Oh ! Oh ! Madame ! votre 
 affiBctionne, etc., Talleyrand." 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 231 
 
 HIS DEAFNESS EXPLAINED. 
 In talking of Chateaubriand, and of his having got deaf lately, Lord 
 Lansdovvne quoted in Moore's hearing Talleyrand's saying of him that *' II 
 SB croit sourd parcequ' 11 n' entend plus parler de lui." 
 
 TWO FEMALES. 
 Crahb Robinson says that Professor Scott once related a mot of Talleyrand 
 to Madame de Stael on occasion of her "Delphine," which was thought to 
 contain a representation of Talleyrand in the character of an old woman. On 
 her pressing for his opinion of that work, he said : "That is the work, is it 
 not, in which you and I are exhibited in the guise of females ?" 
 
 THE POST-CHAISE. 
 Crabb Robinson also relates this: — "There is no middle course," said 
 Charles X. to Talleyrand, "between the Throne and the Scaffold." "Your 
 Majesty forgets the Post-chaise." 
 
 AS YOU SEE. 
 One of the readiest retorts by Talleyrand was made by him (says Harrison) 
 at a time when Paris was in a very disturbed state, and everything there was 
 going wrong. A person of some position who squinted horribly, addressed him 
 one day with, "Ah, Monsieur le Prince ! comment vont les affaires ? " "Comme 
 vous voyez, Monsieur," was the reply.^ 
 
 IT DID NOT MATTER. 
 The same authority says that Talleyrand once, in despatching two letters, 
 put them into wrong envelopes, so that the letter intended for one correspond- 
 ent went to the other. He discovered his mistake too late, but only remarked, 
 " N' importe ! neither of them will believe me." 
 
 SOMETHING RARE. 
 General Flahault, who when young was bald, had received (says Gronow) * 
 an invitation to dine with the Prince de Talleyrand, In the course of con- 
 versation, he expressed to the Prince a desire to present something rare to a 
 great lady as a mark of his esteem. Talleyrand replied — " Then present her 
 with a lock of your hair." 
 
 iThis is told by Jerdan also, but not so successfully. 
 3 Gronow also tells this storv of Montrond. 
 
232 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 THE CHARLATAN. 
 
 Fontaine, tlie architect who built the triumphal arch in the Carrousel, 
 placed upon it (says Gronow) an empty car, drawn by the famous bronze 
 Venetian horses. Talleyrand asked him — " Qui avez vous I'intention de mettre 
 dans le char?" .The answer was — " L'Erapereur Napoleon, comme de raison." 
 Upon which Talleyrand said — ** Le char Fattend." 
 
 NOT "PARVENU"— "ARPtI YE." 
 
 Some one (says Raikes) observed before Prince Talleyrand, that Thiers was 
 Q. parvenu. His reply was : "Vous avez tort, il n'est pas parvenu, il est 
 
 EXCEPT. 
 Raikes records what he calls Talleyrand's severe remark on Maret, when he 
 received his title under the empire : — "II ne connais pas de plus grande bete 
 au monde que M. Maret, exeepte le Due de Bassano." 
 
 SOME BONS-MOTS. 
 The following (says Gronow) are some of Montrond's best sayings; the two 
 first have been falsely attributed to Talleyrand : " La parole a ete donnee a 
 I'homme pour Paider a cacher sa pensee." "Defiez-vous des premiers mouve- 
 ments ; ils sont presque toujours bons." "S'il vous arrive quelque-chose 
 d'heureux, ne manquez pas d' aller le dire a vos amis, afin de leur faire de la 
 peine. " 
 
 A GOOD REASON. 
 According to the same authority, Emile de Girardin, the famous political 
 writer, a natural son of Alexandre de Girardin, becoming celebrated, Montrond 
 said to the father, " Depechez-vous de la reconnaitre, ou bientot il ne vous 
 reconnaitra pas." 
 
 SUPER-NATURAL. 
 A friend, who was about to marry the natural daughter of the Duke de 
 
 , was expatiating at great length on the virtues, good qualities, and 
 
 talents of his future wife, but without making (says Gronow) any allusion to 
 her birth. "A t'entendre," observed Montrond, "on dirait que tu epouses 
 una fille swrnaturelle." 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 233 
 
 A PLAIN COUNTRY. 
 
 Avery thin lady, with whom he had a violent quarrel, saying, "Qu'elle 
 lui ferait voir du pays," Montrond, calmly surveying her from head to foot, 
 replied, " Madame, ce serait du plat pays." This is also told by Gronow. 
 
 QUERY. 
 
 •The Bailli de Ferrette was always dressed in knee-breeches, with a cocked 
 hat and court sword, the slender proportions of which (says Gronow) greatly 
 resembled those of his legs. "Do tell me, my dear Bailli," said Montrond, 
 one day, " have you got three legs or three swords ?" 
 
 FULL OF ATTACHMENT. 
 Montrond's death (says Gronow) was a very wretched one. Left alone to 
 
 the tender mercies of a well-known ''lorette" of those days, Desiree R , 
 
 as he lay upon his bed, between fits of pain and drowsiness, he could see his 
 fair friend picking from his shelves the choicest specimens of his old Sevres 
 china, or other articles of "virtu." Turning to his doctor, he said, with a 
 gleam of his old fun, " Qu'elle est attachante, cette femme la !" 
 
 BUSH AND ALLEN. 
 Lord Allen (says Gronow) being rather the worse for drinking too much 
 wine at dinner, teased Count D'Orsay,^ and said some very disagreeable things, 
 which irritated him; when suddenly John Bush entered the club and shook 
 hands with the Count, who exclaimed, " Voila la diffe'rence entre une bonne 
 bouche et une mauvaise haUine." 
 
 PEER AND PERE. 
 
 The following Ion mot (says the same authority) was also attributed to the 
 Count. General Ornano, observing a certain nobleman, who, by some mis- 
 fortune in his youth, lost the use of liis legs, in a Bath chair, which h;- 
 wheeled about, inquired the name of the English peer. D'Orsay answereu, 
 ' ' Pere la Chaise, " 
 
 TO PARDON HIM. 
 Walpole says in one of his letters:— The Comte d'Artois, forgetting that \\U 
 brother is king, treats him with all the familiarity of their nursery. It was 
 thought necessary to correct this, and M. de Maurepas was commissioned to 
 
 ' See iip. 37, 33. 
 
234 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 give the hint. Being urged, he said the king would grow offended. " Well," 
 said the prince, "and, if he is, que pent il me faire?" " Vous pardonner^ 
 monsigneur," replied the minister. ^ 
 
 THE PRECURSOR. 
 Walpole says again: — One of the ladies to the Queen of France announced 
 to her that the Comtesse d'Artois was enceinte. The Queen was a little 
 piqued and envious, and, to conceal it, said, "I wonder what the child will 
 be called?" The lady answered, "Ihope, madam, le Precurscur.''^ 
 
 NOTHING BURNS LIKE DRY LAURELS. 
 Madame de Coigny (says Walpole), on hearing that the mob at Paris 
 had burnt the bust of their late favourite. Monsieur rEpremenil, said, *' II 
 n'y a rien qui brule si tot que les lauriers sees. " 
 
 ALL IN HER HAIR. 
 
 Moore relates another good mot of Madame de Coigny's, about some woman 
 who had red hair and all its attendant ill consequences, and of whom some 
 one said that she was very virtuous: " Oui, elle est comme Samson ; elle a toutes 
 ses forces dans ses cheveux." 
 
 IT WAS SO LIKE HIM. 
 
 Moore gives the following anecdote, told by Croker, as one of the happiest 
 things he ever heard. Fenelon, who had teased Richelieu (and ineffectually 
 it would seem) for subscriptions to charitable undertakings, was one day tell- 
 ing him that he had just seen his picture. " And did you ask it for a sub- 
 scription," said Richelieu, sneeringly. " No, I saw there was no chance,"' 
 replied the other ; "it was so like you. " 
 
 • IT WAS HE! 
 
 It is in Moore's Diary that we read the story of an Englishman giving a 
 carte of a restaurateur (which he happened to have in his pocket), instead of 
 his passport, and the gen cVarme^ maliciously reading it and looking at him : 
 " Tete de veau; pied de cochon! 9a suffit, Monsieur, c'est vous." 
 
 1 Writing to the Countess of Ossory, Walpole adds : — " If you don't admire this mort 
 than any reply in your Diogenes Laertius, or ancient authors, I will never tell your lady- 
 ship another modern story." 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 235 
 
 IN MUTTON AND VEAL. 
 A French bookseller told Benson, speaking of two books that he had in hia 
 hand, ** This is bound in mutton, sir, and this in veal." 
 
 FACTS. 
 Benjamin Constant (says Moore), on some one asking him (with reference to 
 his book on religion) how he managed to reconcile the statements of his latter 
 volumes with those of his first, published so long ago, answered, '* II n'y a 
 rien qui s' arrange aussi facilement que les faits." 
 
 A VICIOUS CIRCLE. 
 
 Lord L said to Moore he had been told by Maury that, one time whea 
 
 Mirabeau was answering a speech of his, he put himself into a reasoning atti- 
 tude, and said, " Je m' en vais renfermer M. Maury dans un cercle vicieux;" 
 upon which Maury started up and exclaimed, "Comment! veux-tu m' em- 
 brasser ? " which had the effect of entirely disconcerting Mirabeau. 
 
 TRANSLATING. 
 
 Miss N mentioned, in Moore's hearing, a French lady, of whom she 
 
 inquired, by way of compliment, ' ' in what manner she had contrived to- 
 speak English so well?" and the answer was, " I began by traducing.^' 
 
 YAWNING AND HISSING. 
 
 Moore records: — D mentioned Piron's reply to Voltaire, on his boasting 
 
 that he did not hiss his tragedy: " Quand on bailie, on ne siffle pas." 
 
 A PRINCE OF PEAS. 
 Moore gives this as one of Fox's stories: — The Prince de Poix, stopped by 
 a sentry, announced his name. "Prince de Poix!" answered the sentry;, 
 " quand nous seriez le Roi des Haricots, vous ne passeriez pas par ici." 
 
 POOR LITTLE BEAST ! 
 You remember (says Sydney Smith) the story of the French marquise, who^ 
 when her pet lap-dog bit a piece out of her footman's leg, exclaimed, " Ah^ 
 poor little beast ! I hope it won't make him sick." 
 
236 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 TO-DAY, FOR EXAMPLE. 
 Denon told Moore an anecdote of a man, who, having been asked repeatedly 
 to dinner by a person whom he knew to be but a shabby amphitryon, went at 
 last, and found the dinner so meagre and bad that he did not get a bit to eat. 
 When the dishes were removing, the host said, "Well, now the ice is broken, 
 I suppose you will ask me to dine with you some day ?" " Most willingly." 
 ' ' Name your day, then. " ' ' Aujourd' hui, par exemple, " answered the dinner- 
 less guest. 
 
 HIS POOH MASTER. 
 Such (says Sydney Smith) is the horror the French have of our cuisine^ 
 that, at the dinner given in honour of Guizot at the Athenseum, they say his 
 cook was heard to exclaim, "Ah, mon pauvre maitre ! je ne le reverrai plus." 
 
 BREVITY ITSELF. 
 The letter of a celebrated Frenchwoman to her husband is (says Hayward) 
 a model of conciseness: " Je commence, parce que je n'ai rien h. faire : je finis, 
 parce que je n'ai rien a dire." 
 
 THE LEAST CHRISTIAN POSSIBLE. 
 It being asked at Paris (says Haydon) whom they would have as godfather 
 for Rothschild's baby, " Talleyrand, " said a Frenchman. "Pourquoi, Mon- 
 sieur?" " Parce qu'il est le moins chretien possible." 
 
 ENOUGH! ENOUGH! 
 
 One day (says Lady Davies) Prince Talleyrand and my father went to the 
 Colisee. This was a promenade where the nobility and persons of position 
 only were admitted, and without an introduction no one could go in. The 
 gate-keeper did not hold Prince Talleyrand in anything like the respect due 
 to the future great diplomatist of Europe, and my father was so young and so 
 fair that, notwithstanding his unifonn, he thought Prince Talleyrand's com- 
 panion was a young lady in disguise, and cried out — " Vous ne pouvez pas 
 passer. Mademoiselle," and held the gate closed. Talleyrand, thinking it an 
 excellent joke, with a most serious expression turned to my father, saying — 
 ** Tu vois, ma mie, tu ne peux pas entrer." Upon this the gate-keeper came 
 boldly forward to my father, to interpose his stern authority, when my father, 
 taking his sword, gave him such a thrashing with the flat side of it, that, 
 capering about in pain, he cried out — " C'est assez, c'est assez — ah passez, 
 Monsieur, ah passez. Monsieur." Talleyrand was perfectly delighted, 
 although I was told he did not even smile. 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 237 
 
 A KNOTTY QUESTION. 
 
 Lady Davies writes :— My grandmother and my aunt, Lady Emilia Drum- 
 mond, were one day in attendance upon Her Majesty, being, like the rest 
 of the more demure members of the Court, in open carriages. But the Queen 
 was riding on a donkey, as indeed were various of her younger favourites. 
 Suddenly, however, the whole cavalcade was stopped, for Marie Antoinette's 
 donkey, having felt a sudden inclination to roll on the green turf, had thrown 
 its royal rider, and she, being quite unhurt, remained seated on the ground, 
 laughing immoderately. As soon, however, as she could command her 
 countenance, she assumed a mock gravity, and, without attempting to rise 
 from her lowly position, commanded that the Grand Mistress of the Cere- 
 monies should at once be brought to her side. Nobody could imagine what 
 Her Majesty was about either to say or do ; but when the lady thus suddenly 
 summoned to her presence, stood, in no good temper and with dignified 
 aspect before her, she looked up and said — " Madam, I have sent for you that 
 you may inform me as to the etiquette to be observed when a Queen of France 
 and her donkey have both fallen — which of them is to get up first ?" 
 
 THE CHIEF "GANACHE." 
 
 One day (says Lady Davies) Napoleon, having been provoked by her father,, 
 the Emperor of Austria, declared- to Marie Louise that he was "an old 
 ganache " (blockhead). Her Majesty asked one of her ladies-in-waiting, as 
 she said the Emperor had called her father by that name, the meaning of the 
 word ganache, and the lady, not knowing what to say in reference to the Em- 
 press's own father, answered that it meant "a venerable old man." Marie 
 Louise believed this, and afterwards, when Cambaceres came to pay his respects 
 to her, she, wishing to be very complimentary to him, said, "Sir, I have 
 always regarded you as the chief ganache of France." 
 
 UP A CHIMNEY. 
 
 An Englishman and a Frenchman had to fight a duel. That they might 
 have the better chance of missing one ar other, they were to fight in a dark 
 room. The Englishman fired up the chimiey, and, by Jove! he brought 
 down the Frenchman ! ^ 
 
 1 Rogers used to add :" When I tell this story in Paris, I put the Englishman up the- 
 chimney !" 
 
238 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 A UNIQUE EPISTLE. 
 The [following] letter will tell its own tale. It lias not the date of the year 
 in which it was written ; but the original, which was sent (says J. C. Young) 
 to a friend of my father's, was given him by the proper owner as a curiosity. 
 
 '' C D s Priory, Aug. 27, till Sept. 10, that I shall go at Lady E. F . 
 
 My dear E , — I am shameful to have not had the pleasure to entertain 
 
 you since you have with disdain abandon London ; but the respect to which 
 I am indebted for your eldest sister had oblige me to think of her Ladyship 
 before you. i hope that you have a better weather during your excursion on 
 the lacs than that we have here ; for almost every day the tunder is rolling 
 upon our head with noise that should faint you, being as coward as a turkey ; 
 but what is more tiresome is the lamentations of peoples, which seeing the 
 rains fall all the days, predict us with famine, plage, and civil wars, by the 
 scarcity of bread, but it is a great error, for the harvest look very well. Be 
 not surpriz'd i write so perfectly well in English, but once i am here, i speak 
 and hear speaking all the day English ; and during the nights, if some rats 
 or mouses trouble me, i tell them go Ion, and they obey, understanding per- 
 fectly my English. Sir G e is suffering with a rheumatism. Lady 
 
 H e who have the pretension to be a very good Physitien, but who 
 
 is very ignorant, after that he have yesterday well breakfast, has given him 
 a physic, and after he have dined she gave him another, and she desire that 
 he take a walk, au clair de la lune, in place of to be near good fire. No : a 
 dog or cat would be more prudent. Before yesterday, the brother having eat 
 and drank too much, and being tormented with a strong indigestion, my lady 
 gave him 8 grains of James Powder, the unhappy brother was near to die, 
 and one was obliged to send to a physitien at Shelford, who arriving, found 
 him so well, that he judged it best to wait if the nature would save him or 
 
 not ; but happily, being a strong nature, he was restored. Lady H e, the 
 
 best of women, is the worst of Physitien. She had killed some year ago a, 
 superb ox with James powder ; and, on another occasion, having received 24 
 turkeys very fatigued to have walked to foot a too long journey, she contrive 
 to refresh them to give them some huile de castor; but 12 of that number 
 died, and the rest did look melancholy, so long as they did live, i have re- 
 ceive at this moment a letter from Lady S n. i put my thanks at her feet. 
 
 As the post go at 2 o'clock, i have not time to write to her ladyship, but I 
 will comply soon with the liberty she gave me. Be sure that I have not for- 
 got Lady S n in my prayers, though not so good as I could wish indeed. 
 
 Believe the faithful friendship that I feel for you, my dear sister-in-law, since 
 that you were so much high than my finger. Write me often and my old 
 wife. Believe me that I love a friendly letter more than a purse of guinea*. 
 Yours, Comte De C z." 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 239 
 
 THE LIBERTY OF THE PRESS. 
 Some of the last masquerades at private houses were given (says Lady Chat- 
 terton) by my aunt, in Arlington Street, before I was born there. At the 
 last of these, Madame de Stael Avas present. She had just arrived in England 
 to escape from Parisian censorship, and publish her works out of the protect- 
 ing shade of a gendarme's cocked hat. At one moment, the crowd being ex- 
 cessive, Madame de Stael remarked to my mother, " II parait qu' on souff're 
 meme ici de la liberte de la presse." 
 
 .. A MAN OF THE CENTURY. 
 
 C. de M , one of the most fashionable at the same time, one of the 
 
 cleverest, young men of the Restoration, had a singular taste of being in love 
 with two ladies, each old enough to be his mother — the one a Duchess, the 
 other a celebrated actress. When the Duchesse de Berrie asked him whether 
 it was really true that his taste was for old women, he replied, " Oui Madame, 
 je suis I'homme du siecle." 
 
 LES DIABLES ANGLAIS. 
 Gronow writes: — One of our countrymen, having been introduced by M. de 
 la Rochefoucauld to Mademoiselle Bigottini, the beautiful and graceful dancer, 
 in the course of conversation with this gentleman, asked him in what part of 
 the theatre he was placed; upon which he replied, " Mademoiselle, dans wie 
 loge rttie,''' instead of "grillee." The lady could not understand what he 
 meant, until his introducer explained the mistake, observing, "Ces diables d' 
 Anglais pensent toujours a leur Rosbif." 
 
 AN EPIGRAM. 
 The original of Tartuffe (says Raikes) was one Roquette, who was much 
 more of a polisson than a priest, and who belonged to the diocese of Autun. 
 This circumstance has suggested the following epigram on Talleyrand : — 
 " Roquette dans son terns, 
 Talleyrand dans le notre, 
 Furent eveques d' Autun ; 
 TartufTe est le surnom de 1' un— 
 Ah ! si Moliere eut connu I'autre." 
 
 FOR QUIETNESS' SAKE. 
 
 Raikes says in his Diary : — The Princess de T died yesterday, aged 
 
 seventy-four; she was formerly Madame Grand, a Creole, very handsome, but 
 very stupid ; her witty husband said that he took her four se reposer V esprit. 
 
240 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 SIMPLY PICKPOCKETS. 
 Jerdan writes : — I had dropt in at the Strand about two o'clock, about some- 
 thing or other, when Wx A. insisted on my staying to eat "suberb saur 
 prout " with a fine German boy, the son of a nobleman, just imported. I con- 
 sented, and we chatted together till long past the dinner hour, for which 
 Ackermann and his stomach were particulavly punctual. His nephew (?) and 
 the young noble had gone out in the morning to see lions, and had not 
 returned. We waited, and waited, till near three o'clock (an hour over time), 
 when my host, unable to contain his anger and hunger any longer, ordered 
 dinner, and we sat down to excellent rotten cabbage, but washed down with 
 sensible muzzle and schnaps. About the middle of ttie repast, the young 
 gentlemen made their appearance, and were told to sit down and feed, with 
 the politeness, and in the tone which might become an incensed bear. How- 
 ever, as our host's appetite got appeased, his temper improved, and by the 
 time the cloth was removed, the bumpers of muzzle had converted frowns into 
 smiles, and at length I heard his cavernous issue of the question, ' ' Veil, 
 l^oisse (boys), vere ave you been, and vat ave you see ?" The youngsters, 
 delighted by this condescension, burst out in answer, the lead being taken by 
 the nephew, who spoke as follows: — *'0h, mine oncle ! after ve ave see two 
 mans ahenging at Old Belly — vat a crowds! — ve go to de riveri to dox at 
 Yoolvitch to see de launch of de great sheep — vat a crowds! — and oh, mine 
 oncle, vat a ihany billa box." *' Billa box," repeated Ackermann, "vat you 
 mean by billa box?" "Oh, sare," broke in the stranger, "so I ave been 
 only a veeks in Engleland, I thinks I gan spake de langidge better as he. He 
 means Bocca bills!" "Billa box, Bocca bills," muttered Ackermann. "Vat 
 de divels does you mean ? Say it in Yarman!" which they immediately did; 
 and thus informed, he turned 'laughing loudly to me, and exclaimed "0, 
 mine Kodds, vat you tink dey means ?" I had not heard, and could not tell; 
 and their interpreter, still convulsed with laughter, sputtered out, " Vy, dey 
 means big boggets ! " Not to lengthen the story, for some time longer unin- 
 telligible to me, I at last discovered that billa box, and bocca bills, and bigg 
 boggets, all and sundry, meant simply pickpockets ! 
 
 A RARITY. 
 Mark Boyd records the answer the German innkeeper gave to a former 
 Duke of Brunswick, who, while travelling, had stopped his suite to breakfast 
 at his auberge. When the duke called for his bill, he observed an enormous 
 charge for eggs, and sent for the landlord, holding the bill in his hand. 
 "Why, eggs must be very scarce in this country?" "Oh no, your Serene 
 Higlmess, eggs are not at all scarce, but grand dukes are ! " 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 241 
 
 THEIR EXCELLENCIES. 
 Charles Mayne Young, the actor, says: — A magistrate of the canton of 
 Berne, seeing Voltaire for the first time, keeps his seat, fixes his spectacles 
 firmly on his nose, and says, "Ah! ah! c'est a donk fous \sic\ Mons. de 
 Voltaire qui se permettra de dire tout des mauvaises choses du bon Dieu. 
 Je ne vous conseille pas d'en dire de leurs excellences de Berne." 
 
 PRAYER IN DETAIL. 
 The same authority declares: — A Genevese, fishing in a tub close to the 
 shore, finds himself unexpectedly driven some distance from the land by a 
 sudden gust of wind, and, fearing the frailty of his vessel, he says, " Seigneur 
 Dieu, Pere Eternel, ayez pitie de ton serviteur Jean Douron q's 'trouve dans 
 la plus grand infortune. Ce n'est pas c'lui la, derriere la Rhone, c'est lui la 
 qui demeure rue du temple, t'entends-tu ?" 
 
 A RISE. 
 The Italian who had the honour of teaching Geerge III. the violin, on 
 being asked (says Hayward) by his royal pupil what progress he was making, 
 observed: — "Please your Majesty, there are three classes of players — 1, those 
 who cannot play at all ; 2, those who play badly ; 3, those who play well. 
 Your Majesty is just rising into the second class." 
 
 HE HAD A START. 
 When Macleane, the principal of Brighton College, was at Trinity College, 
 Cambridge, he one day met the Marquis Spoleto, a teacher of Italian, and a 
 refugee, and thhs accosted him, — "Have you many pupils this term?" 
 " Vel, I 'ave vone in Hebrew." "Dear me," said Macleane, " I had no idea 
 you knew Hebrew." "Vel, no; not exactly. But then, you see, we do not 
 begin for vone five veek." The story is told by J. C. Young. 
 
 "NOT SO THE RESPECT," &o. 
 Lord L. mentioned in Moore's presence the conclusion of a letter from a 
 Dutch commercial house, as follows: — "Sugars are falling more and more 
 every day; not so the respect and esteem with which we are," &c., &c. 
 
 SOME OF HER EYES. 
 "We read in Young's Diary : — Dined with Count Danniskiold. The Count 
 is a Dane of high rank, an accomplished man, and one of the most elei^jant 
 dancers in Europe. He speaks English admirably, and rarely makes a blunder 
 
 Q 
 
242 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 However, he made an amusing one [one] night. He was being bantered on 
 
 having paid marked attention to one of the Miss C 's, a young lady in the 
 
 neighbourhood, reputed rich, but rather plain. On some one saying, " You 
 can't admire her looks, Count!" he replied in a deprecating tone, "Come, 
 come — you are a leetle hard upon me. She may not be beautiful, but, I 
 must say, I tink she has a sweet expression in some of her eyes. " 
 
 IT WAS SAFER. 
 Moore relates in his Diary : — During breakfast arrived Count Krasinksi, an 
 intelligent Polish refugee, and man of letters. Remarked that there was a 
 strong similarity between the Poles and the Irish, and mentioned as an in- 
 stance of this, a countryman of his, who having, on some occasion, knocked a 
 man down for being, as he thought, insolent to him, was expostulated with 
 for having done so by some friend, who remarked that, after all, what the 
 man had said to him was not so very offensive. " No, it was not," answered 
 the other; " but still it was safer to knock him down." 
 
 A COMPARISON. 
 A distinguished diplomatist from the United States of America, a very 
 genial and social being, soon after his arrival in London (says F. Locker), 
 made the round of the sights, Madame Tussaud's among the number. *' And 
 what do you think of our waxwork?" said a friend. "Well," replied the 
 General, " it struck me as being very like an ordinary English party." 
 
 WHAT THEY WANTED. 
 Moore recounts the anecdote of a Swiss and a Brabanter talking together, and 
 the latter reproaching the Swiss with fighting for money, \,'hile he (the Bra- 
 banter) fought for honour. "The fact is," answered the Swiss dryly, "we 
 each of us fight for what each most wants." ^ 
 
 A CRUEL DECEIVER. 
 An extract from Moore's Diary : — Clutterbuck's story of the old lady (his 
 aunt) is excellent. Being very nervous, she told Sir W. Farquhar she 
 thought Bath would do her good. ' ' It's very odd," says Sir W. ; " but that's 
 the very thing I was going to recommend to you. I will write the particulars 
 of your case to a very clever man there, in whose hands you wiU be well 
 taken care of." The lady, furnished with the letter, sets off, and on arriving at 
 
 1 Moore adds, "An old story this." 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 243 
 
 Newbury, feeling as usual very nervous, she said to her confident : — ** Long as 
 Sir "Walter has attended me, he has never explained to me what ails me. I 
 have a great mind to open his letter and see what he has stated of my case to 
 the Bath physician." In vain her friend represented to her the breach of 
 confidence this would be. She opened the letter, and read, "Dear Davis, 
 keep the old lady three weeks, and send her back again." 
 
 THE VERY FIRST. 
 Another extract from Moore's Diary : — When GaUy Knight was first in- 
 troduced to old Dr Denman, the doctor said, *'I have had the pleasure of 
 seeing Mr Knight before." **I do not remember," rejoined Gaily, "having 
 ever had the honour of meeting you." "The truth is, young gentleman," said 
 Denman, "I was the first person that ever saw you." 
 
 GENUINELY GRATIFIED. 
 
 Yet another extract from Moore's Diary : — Story of a sick man teUing his 
 symptoms (which appeared to himself, of course, dreadful) to a medical friend, 
 who, at each new item of the disorder, exclaimed "Charming!" "Delightful!" 
 "Pray go on !" and when he had finished, said with the utmost pleasure — "Do 
 you know, my dear sir, you have got a complaint which has been for some, 
 time supposed to be extinct ? " 
 
 HE LIKED PUTTY. 
 Mr Lee, the artist, told J. C. Young a delicious story of Constable, the artist. 
 On one of the days previous to the opening of the Royal Academy, when 
 Academicians have the privilege of touching up their pictures. Constable w"ut 
 to look at what Stanfield was doing. He praised the picture on which he 
 happened to be engaged, and took particular notice of the sky as boldly and 
 originally treated. Shortly after, he went up to Reinagle and asked him 
 what he thought of Stanfield's picture. "I have not seen it," said Reinagle. 
 "Then go and see it, I beg of you!" continued Constable; "you never saw 
 such a thing. Pray take notice of the sky, it is just like putty." Presently 
 Reinagle walked up in front of Stanfield's picture, and, as he looked at it, 
 quite taken by surprise, exclaimed aloud, "Why! / like the sky." "What 
 do you mean," asked Stanfield, "by expressing yourself in that tone ? Why 
 should you not like the sky?" "Oh! I was ofi" my guard when I spoke in 
 that way," replied Reinagle, "but the fact is that I was told it was like putty." 
 " Who told you so ? " said the wounded painter. "Constable," was the answer. 
 Stanfield, stung to the quick by hearing of this depreciatory criticism from 
 such a quarter, goes up to the author of it, and says, " Constable, you are a 
 
244 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 hum1)ug ! you came up to my picture just now and praised it. I never asked 
 your oi)inion about it ; but you said, particularly, that you likedj the sky ; 
 and then you go off to Reinagle and tell him that it is like putty ! " "Well," 
 was the reply, " what of it ? I like putty ! " 
 
 "WHAT A DONKEY!" 
 There are degrees of immortality (says Haydon). On leaving Petworth, and 
 when waiting for the coach to return to Brighton, a man of the village came 
 up, looked hard at me, and said, "I beg your pardon, sir, but are you 
 the great painter? " "Well, I don't know about that exactly." "But, sir, 
 did you paint the picture of Christ entering into Jerusalem?" "Yes, 
 my friend, I did." "Ah, sir, that was a picture — that was a picture — and — 
 what a donkey!" 
 
 A DRAWBACK. 
 
 W. H. Harrison says : — The father of L , a distinguished artist, was 
 
 complimented by a friend on the talents and reputation of his son, and on the 
 comfort he must be to his father. " Yes," was the reply, "he is a very good 
 son — a very good son, if he did not swear at his mother so. " 
 
 WHY? 
 Barham tells of Dignum, the vocalist, an anecdote which he first heard 
 from Neild, the lay vicar of St Paul's. Dignum, it seems, was complain- 
 ing one morning to old Knyvett, the king's composer, that his health was 
 much impaired, and what was very extraordinary, that so strong a degree of 
 sympathy existed between him and his brother, that one was no sooner taken 
 ill than the other felt symptoms of the same indisposition, whatever it might 
 be. "We are both of us very unwell now," added Dignum, "and as our com- 
 plaint is supposed to be an affection of the lungs, we are ordered to take asses' 
 milk ; but unfortunately we have not been able to get any, though we have 
 tried all over London ; can you tell us what we had better do I" " Do," 
 answered Knyvett, "why the deuce don't you suck one another?" 
 
 WHOSE WAS IT? 
 
 At a musical soirie in Paris, at which Rossini was present, a lady possessing 
 
 a magnificent soprano voice and remarkable facility of execution, sang the 
 
 great maestro's well-known aira, " Una voce," with great effect, but overladen 
 
 with fioriture of the most elaborate description. Rossini, at its conclusion, 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 245 
 
 advanced to the piano and complimented the lady most highly upon her vocal 
 j)0wers, terminating his encomiums (says Planche) with the cruel inquiry: 
 ' ' Mais de qui est la musique ? " 
 
 HAPPY CEILmG ? 
 On another occasion (says Planche) at a concert, a very indifferent tenor, 
 who sang repeatedly out of tune, was indiscreet enough to express his regret 
 to Eossini that he should have heard him for the first time in that room, 
 as he complained: "Le plafond est si sourd." Rossini raised his eyes to 
 the abused ceiling, and simply ejaculated : " Heureux plafond ! " 
 
 SURELY AND CHORLEY. 
 Chorley, writing of Mendelssohn, gives the following illustration of the 
 composer's gaieU de cxur — trifling enough in itself, but yet characteristic of 
 the man. While spending an evening at his house, a note with a ticket enclosed 
 was put into Chorley's hand. The note ran thus: — "The Directors of the 
 Leipzig Concerts beg leave to present to Mr Shurely a ticket of the concert 
 of to-morrow." Whereupon, writes Chorley, Mendelssohn ran to the piano- 
 forte, and began to play the subject from the chorus of the "Messiah," " Surely 
 he hath borne," &c. 
 
 JUSTLY INDIGNANT. 
 
 I once presided (Jerdan represents a man as saying) over a jolly company, 
 when it was more customary than it now is — and the more's the pity — to call 
 upon every guest in turn for a song or a tale, under the penalty, in case of 
 refusal or non-compliance, of a strong tumbler of salt and water. I, at last, 
 came to a contumacious chap, who protested that he could neither sing a song 
 nor tell a tale. This would not pass with me, and especially as I had my eye 
 upon this Billy for some time, and did not at all like his jeering leers and 
 scoflBng manners. So I said to him peremptorily, '' Well, sir, if ye can do 
 neither the one nor the other, you must oblige me by tossing off the tumbler 
 I will now order to be brought to you." "Stop," he cried hastily, *'let me 
 try first." Silence ensued, and he proceeded: — " There was once a thief who 
 chanced to find a church door open, of which carelessness he took advantage 
 and stepped in, not to worship, but to carry off whatever of portable he could 
 find. He put the cushions under his arms, hid as much as he could, and im- 
 pudently wrapt the pulj)it cloth about him like a plaid. But, lo and behold, 
 whilst he was thus employed the sexton happened to pass by, and see- 
 ing the church door open, got the key and locked it ; so that when our 
 sacrilegious friend thought he had nothing to do but to slip out as he 
 
246 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 slipt in, he discovered that he was a close prisoner and all egress stopped. 
 What to do he knew not ; but at last it struck him that he might succeed in 
 letting himself down to the ground by the bell-rope. Accordingly, with it 
 in hand, he swung gently off ; and you may be certified set up a ringing that 
 alarmed the neighbourhood. In short, he was captured with his booty upon 
 him as soon as he reached mother earth ; upon which, looking up to the bell, 
 as I now look up to your lordship, he remonstrated, * Had it not been for 
 your long tongue and empty head, I might have escaped ! ' " 
 
 ESPECIALLY POTATOES. 
 There is no doubt bulls are occasionally perpetrated by others than natives 
 of Ireland, as in the case of the English viceroy, who advised that "the 
 greatest economy was necessary in the consumption of all species of grain, 
 especially of potatoes. " 
 
 AN UGLY FAMILY. 
 I recollect, when a boy (says Captain Gronow), seeing a strange couple, a 
 Mr and Mrs Turbeville, who were famed for their eccentricities. Mr Turbe- 
 ville was related to Sir Thomas Picton, but did not possess the talent or dis- 
 cretion of the gallant General. Upon one occasion, at a dinner at Dunraven 
 Castle, after the ladies had retired, Mr Turbeville observed to a gentleman 
 present, that the woman who had sat at his right was the ugliest he had ever 
 seen ; upon which the gentleman said, " I am sorry to hear that you think 
 my wife so ill-looking." "Oh, no, sir, I have made a mistake ; I meant the 
 lady who sat on my left." "Well, sir, she is my sister." "It can't be 
 helped, sir, then ; for, if what you have said is true, I must confess I never 
 saw such, an ugly family during the course of my life." 
 
 A CULTIVATOR OF RELIGION. 
 
 To Justice Park's brother, who was a great church goer, some one (says 
 Moore) applied the words, ^^ Parens deorum cultor."^ 
 
 "LONG MAY SHE REMAIN SO." 
 I have heard (says Lord William Lennox) of a post-prandial speaker who, 
 wishing to pay a compliment to the land of his birth, shouted out, "England 
 is an island — England is an island ;" then, forgetting the fervent eulogium h© 
 was about to make, abruptly concluded by saying, " and long may she re- 
 main so." 
 
 1 Horace, Odes, I., xxxiv. 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 247 
 
 ACCOMMODATING. 
 
 Colley Cibber's brother told Dr Sim. Burton on a visit, " that he did not 
 know any sin he had not been guilty of but one, which was avarice ; and if 
 the doctor would give him a guinea, he would do his utmost to be guilty of 
 of that too." 
 
 ONE FOR THE FRENCHMAN. 
 Mr Hayward tells how a Frenchman, dining with an Englishman, let drop 
 the remark, " I eat a great deal of bread with my meat." "Yes," was the 
 reply, " and a great deal of meat with your bread." 
 
 DE OYLEY AND DE-UMPLING. 
 A conceited man, of the name of D'Oyley, having said that he wished to 
 be called De Oyley, somebody at dinner (says Moore) addressed him thus : 
 "Mr De Oyley, will you have some De-umpling?" 
 
 A DEUCED ODD PLAY. 
 I wish (says Fanny Kemble) to preserve a charming instance of naive ignor- 
 ance in a young guardsman, seduced by the enthusiasm of the gay society of 
 London into going, for once, to see a play of Shakespeare's. After sitting 
 dutifully through some scenes in silence, he turned to a fellow guardsman, 
 who was painfully looking and listening by his side, with the grave remark, 
 " I say, George, dooced odd play this ; it's all full of quotations." 
 
 NOT COME AGAIN. 
 An Englishman of letters and politics, at his solitary dinner in an Old 
 Bailey beef-shop, ate seven pounds and a half of solid meat, sliced from a 
 round of boiled beef. As his customer ate (says Lord William Lennox), the 
 keeper of the shop regarded him with increasing anger, for diners at the estab- 
 lishment were at liberty to eat as much as they pleased for a stated sum. 
 "Excellent beef!" said the gourmand, graciously, when he at length rose 
 from his seat; "a man may cut and come again here." "You may cuU sir," 
 responded the purveyor of dinners, " but I'll be blowed if you shall cmne 
 again." 
 
 A PARTY OF TWO. 
 A story I once heard (says the same writer), the scene of which was at 
 Avignon in France:— "By my faith," said the President of the Tribunal to 
 an interested auditor, " we have just had a superb turkey, tender as a chicken, 
 
248 TREASUR V OF MODERN ANECDO TE. 
 
 fat as an ortolan, aromatic as a thrush. By my faith we left nothing but its 
 bones." "And how many were there of you ?" inquired the curious hearer. 
 " Only two," answered the gourmet, Vfiih. a self-complacent smile. "Only 
 two !" ejaculated the simple auditor with amazement. " P]fecisely so," the 
 lawyer answered. "Only two. There was myself, and there was — the 
 turkey." 
 
 A PLAINTIVE INQUIRY. 
 Scott told Moore of a Jew in some small theatre, saying at the very moment 
 when the whole audience was in still and breathless attention to the sorrows 
 of Mrs Beverley,^ " I should like mosh to know who dat was dat spat in my 
 eye. " 
 
 AN EPIGRAM. 
 I do not know (says J. C. Young) who is the author of the following lines, 
 but they were sent to me by a very charming person, who, for aught I know 
 to the contrary, may have been the author of tliem. They were written, I 
 need hardly say, in allusion to the case of "The Plaintiff," Sir Roger Tich- 
 bome : — 
 
 " The firm of Baxter, Rose, aud Norton, 
 Deny the plaintiff's Arthur Orton ; 
 But can't deny, what's more important. 
 That he has done what Arthur oughtn't." 
 
 THE THREE PER CENT. CONSOLS. 
 At a city dinner (says Jerdan), so political that "the Three Consuls" of 
 France were drunk, the toast-master, quite unacquainted with Buonaparte, 
 Cambaceres, and Lebrun, holloaed out from behind the chair — "Gentlemen, 
 fiU bumpers! the chairman gives 'The Three Per Cent. Consols !' " 
 
 THE DUTY OFF. 
 A young friend of mine (says Harrison) liad an appointment with Christal, 
 the artist. His father, however, wanted him to accompany him elsewhere. 
 "But," remonstrated the son, "it is a sort of duty to Christal to go to him." 
 "Nonsense," rejoined the elder, "there is no duty in the case ; it was taken 
 off glass by the late Act." 
 
 1 In the 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 249 
 
 HE WOULD NOT DINE. 
 At the end of the last and beginning of the present century, few of the 
 great London merchants (says Boyd) had their private residences in the West 
 End. They lived chiefly in the city, or in the suburbs. There was, however, 
 an exception, one whose exercise for six days in the week was his walk into 
 and out of the city. Moreover, he dined in the city, immediately on 'Change 
 closing, returning for an hour afterwards to his counting-house to sign his 
 letters, and see the transactions of the day complete. He was a stately and 
 methodical personage in all he said and did. He had for years dined at a 
 coffee-house in St Paul's, and his habit was in the morning, on his way east- 
 ward, to enter the coffee-room and address the head waiter thus, from which 
 he was only once known to make a deviation : — " Well, John, and what have 
 you got for dinner to-day?" "A nice slice of Thames salmon, sir ; soup as 
 always, and haunch o' mutton, sir." "Then, John, I shall dine with you 
 to-day, you may depend upon it." These questions and the answers were 
 almost as well known to the frequenters of the coffee-house as the establish- 
 ment itself. One July morning, under a broiling sun, the great merchant 
 entered as usual. "Well, John, and what have you got for dinner to-day ?" 
 "Werrynice dinner indeed, sir, to-day; ain't it vonderful hot, sir?" the 
 perspiration pouring down John's face. *' Sir, there's a beautiful salmon, 
 sir, two kinds o' soup, sirloin o' beef, turkey and sausages ; the burial people, 
 sir, dine with us to-day." "The burial people, John?" "Yes, sir, the 
 poor gemman vat died in the room over this of putrid fever on Tuesday is to 
 be buried to-day, as ve fears 'e von't keep no longer." "Then (hurrying to 
 the door), John, 1 shall not dine with you to-day, you may depend upon it." 
 
 EATING HIS DEEDS. 
 Barham records this story of Edward Walpole, who, being told one day at 
 the Garrick that the confectioners had a way of discharging the ink from old 
 parchments by a chemical process, and then making the parchment into isin- 
 glass for their jellies, said, " Then I find a man may now eat his deeds as well 
 as his words." "This," adds Barham, "has been very unfairly attributed to 
 James Smith." 
 
 A BAD CONUNDRUM. 
 At a gathering at which Moore was present, they talked of Sir Alexander 
 
 M and his son, on whom the following conundrum was made : — "Why is 
 
 Sir A. like a Lapland winter ?" "Because he is a long night (knight), and 
 his sun (son) never shines.''* 
 
250 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 SOME OF THEM, THAT WAY ! 
 Mr Nightingale walked one day into the shop of Saunders & Otley, and 
 Degan to tell one of the persons behind the counter that he considered him- 
 self very ill-used ; for that he had subscribed for years to their library, and yet 
 never could get any of the new works that came out : whereas, friends of his 
 who had not subscribed twelve months, were accommodated with all the best 
 books of the season. On hearing the angry tone and language of Mr N. , a 
 highly respectable gentleman came from the inner shop, and said that "if 
 Mr N. were dissatisfied, he had his redress in his own hands ; he had better 
 withdraw his name from the list of subscribers." On this the old gentleman 
 became exceeding wroth, winding up a somewhat intemperate speech with 
 these words : — "There, sir I now you know my mind as to your conduct. I 
 think I have spoken pretty freely, but in case I have not — I don't know who 
 you are — but, if you are Saunders, hang Otley ! and if you are Otley, hang 
 Saunders 1 " 
 
 A PLEASURE THAT NEVER PALLS. 
 The other day (says Frederick Locker) I heard that whimsical fellow, 
 
 G , make a rather foolish remark, to the effect that the pleasure of not 
 
 going to church was a pleasure that never palled. 
 
 "A BIRD, BY JOVE!" 
 
 Talking of practical jokes, Moore records Rogers's story of somebody who, 
 when tipsy, was first rolled in currant jelly, and then covered with feathers : 
 his exclaiming, when he looked at himself in a glass, "A bird, by Jove !" 
 
 A LUKEWARM CHRISTIAN. 
 Evanson, in his Dissonxince of the Gospels, thinks Luke most worthy of 
 
 credence. P (remarks Crabb Robinson) said that Evanson was a luTce- 
 
 warm Christian. 
 
 "I'LL BE BOUND." 
 Campbell, talking of dog-Latin, gave specimens of a conversation he had heard 
 (or heard of) between an Irish priest and a foreigner in Latin. One of them, 
 speaking of a friend he had dined with, called him a '■'■ Diaholicus bonus socius," 
 and the other said, ^'Finciar habehatis bonum vinmn." Campbell defied us 
 to find out what he meant, but I (says Moore) saw it immediately : " I'll be 
 bound you had good wine. " 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 251 
 
 MALAPROPOS. 
 "When, on one occasion, the Queen and the Prince Consort were going over 
 the British Museum, their attention was directed to an icthyosaurus. Just 
 at that moment (says Harrison), Mr Konig entered the room, when Sir Henry 
 [Ellis] presented him, as the then head of the department, to the Queen and 
 the Prince. The latter, whose ear was struck by the German name, desired 
 to know from whence in Germany he came, and asked, " From what part ? " 
 Konig, supposing the inquiry to refer, not to himself, but to the fossil, 
 replied, ''From the blue lias at Lyme Regis, in Dorsetshire, your Royal 
 Highness." Sir Henry said that the Queen was especially diverted by the 
 Tnalajpropos reply. 
 
 THE TRAVELLER AND HIS DOG. 
 Dr Taylor read to Barham the following extract from a letter addressed to- 
 him by Archbishop Whately : — " O'Connell has spoilt the dog. The story is 
 of a traveller who, finding himself and his dog in a wild country, and desti- 
 tute of provisions, cut off his dog's tail, and boiled it for his own supper, 
 giving the * dog the bone.' " 
 
 NOT A HELPMEET FOR HIM. 
 We read in the Literary Gazette this story : — "I will never marry a womai 
 
 that can't carve," said M . ''Why?" "Because she would not be i 
 
 help-meat for me." 
 
 A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT. 
 A friend of W. H. Harrison's told him he was dining at the British 
 Embassy in a foreign city, when the minister's lady inquired of a gentleman 
 from Manchester if she had been rightly informed that things were so much 
 cheaper in England than they had been. "Yes, your ladyship, was the 
 reply; "for instance, my father died last year, and I buried him for fifty 
 pounds, and now I could have done it for twenty." 
 
 A "DISGOUSTING" STOMACH. 
 
 The Duke of Gloucester told the following anecdote of a Mayor of Liverpool : — 
 He was seated at the chief magistrate's right hand. When the fish was pro- 
 duced, it was speedily discovered by all whose olfactory organs were in the 
 least sensitive, to be in such a progressive state that His Royal Highness, 
 with the guests on both sides the table, lost no time in sending away their 
 plates. Still the mayor went on with his fish. "Mayor, mayor," said th& 
 Duke, "do send away your plate — the fish is quite tainted." The mayor, at 
 
252 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 the moment he was addressed by royalty, was in the act of taking another 
 mouthful. ** I thank your Royal Highness, but I have a stomach that will 
 disgoust anything." The anecdote is recorded by Mark Boyd. 
 
 APPROPRIATE. 
 A wealthy farmer, whom I knew (says Jerdan), was induced to embark in a 
 parochial contest at considerable expense, and in acknowledgment was feted 
 with a public dinner at Kensington. On his health being drunk with all the 
 honours, the singer on the rota sang "The "Wealthy Fool with Gold in 
 Store," amid great applause. 
 
 NOT SO PLAIN. 
 James Fenimore Cooper, the novelist, told Moore the following anecdote of 
 a disputatious man : — "Why, it is as plain as that two and two make four." 
 " But I deny that, too; for 2 and 2 make twenty-two." 
 
 N.B. 
 A curious specimen of elegant letter-writing has been printed by J. C. 
 
 Young. It is a note written to the late Bishop of Norwich, Dr S , in 
 
 answer to an invitation given by him: — "Mr 's private affairs turn out 
 
 so sadly that he cannot have the pleasure of waiting upon his lordship at his 
 agreeable house on Monday next. — N.B., his wife is dead." 
 
 NATURALLY. 
 In a conversation which happened to turn on railway accidents and the 
 variety of human sufferings, a bank director (says Jerdan) observed that he 
 always felt great interest in the case of a broken limb. "Then, I suppose," 
 said , " for a compound fracture you feel compound interest." 
 
 MEN'S AND WOMEN'S. 
 Moore gives a place to this anecdote of the rival shoemakers ; one of them 
 putting up over his door "Mens conscia recti;" and the other instantly 
 mounting "Men's and women's conscia recti." 
 
 OVER THE REPUBLIC. 
 Talking of Switzerland, " Well," said Sydney Smith, " what are they doing 
 
 now in that irritable little republic ? You remember 's answer, when they 
 
 sent him a decree that he could not be permitted to fire in the republic ? 
 * Very well,' said he, 'it makes no sort of difference to me; I can very easily 
 fire over the republic!'" 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 253 
 
 TRUE FRIENDSHIP. 
 The attachment of perfect friendship was exhibited (says Jordan) by Cole- 
 man in the instance of a loving pair of cronies staggering home from the 
 tavern, when one tumbled into the kennel and besought his comrade to help 
 him up. "Ah, no," hiccuped the true friend, " I am too drunk to do that, 
 but, my dear boy, I will lie down by you," which was no sooner said than 
 done. 
 
 TOO FAT. 
 Says Planche, on one occasion : — Our Amphitryon, John Andrews, was 
 exceedingly corpulent, and upon one occasion had a severe attack of illness, 
 which nearly proved fatal. On his recovery he received, by post, the follow- 
 ing lines : — 
 
 "By an illness, much worse than he'd e'er had before. 
 Poor Andrews, they say, has been brought to Death's door. 
 But danger there's none, unless he should grow thin. 
 For Death hasn't a door that would now let him in." 
 
 NOT TWENTY-THREE. 
 
 H tells me (says F. Locker) that his cook has lately won a good deal of 
 
 money in a lottery, with the number twenty -three. H asked her how it 
 
 was she had happened to tumble on such a lucky number, and she replied, 
 "Oh, sir, I had a dream; I dreamt of number seven, and I dreamt it three 
 times, and as three times seven is twenty- three, I chose that number, sir." 
 This proves that an ignorance of the multiplication table is not always a 
 calamity. I was relating this anecdote to a distinguished friend, who holds 
 a rather responsible position, and is usually anything but slow in apprehend- 
 ing a joke. When I had concluded, I observed a wistful expression on his 
 countenance as if he were ready, nay anxious, to be amused, but could not for 
 the life of him quite manage it. Then suddenly his face brightened, and he 
 said, but with a tinge of dejection in his manner, "Ah, yes, I see — yes — I 
 suppose three times seven is not twenty-three." 
 
 WHAT IT WAS ABOUT. 
 
 Moore gives this anecdote of Dr Barnes : — Being sometimes inclined to 
 sleep a little during the sermon, a friend who was wuth him in his pew one 
 Sunday, having joked with him on his having nodded now and then, Barnes 
 insisted he had been awake all the time. "Well, then," said his friend, "can 
 you tell me what the sermon was about ?" "Yes, I can," he answered, "it 
 was about half-an-hour too loc':'." 
 
254 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 TAKING TIMBER. 
 A good story is told by Moore of a man selling a horse. The would-be 
 purchaser, inquiring as to his leaping powers, asks, ** Would he take timber?" 
 "He'd jump over your head," answered the other; " I don't know what you 
 call that.''* 
 
 A RHYME. 
 Lord H. mentioned to Moore some one being defied to find a rhyme for 
 Carysfort, and writing — "I'm writing a note to my uncle Carysfort; he has 
 got tlie gout, and is gone to Paris for't." 
 
 A PARODY. 
 Moore writes in his Diary : — Forgot to mention that Casey mentioned to me 
 a parody of his on those two lines in the ' * Veiled Prophet : ". — 
 " He knew no more of fear than one who dwells 
 Beneath the tropics, knows of icicles." 
 
 The following is his parody, which, bless my stars, none of my critics were 
 lively enough to hit upon, for it would have stuck by me : — 
 "He knew no more of fear than one who dwells 
 On Scotia's mountains, knows of shoe-buckles." 
 
 "SUCH AS IT IS." 
 
 A literary character — I need not mention names (says Jerdan) — on a visit 
 to Bath, was pressed into a hospitable engagement with a resident gentleman, 
 who had a penchant for cultivating the acquaintance of such celebrities. 
 He had also the peculiarity of using the above expression in and out of season, 
 and often with ludicrous effect. His guest being seated at an excellent plain 
 dinner, the Amphytrion most unnecessarily would apologise for its deficiencies. 
 Bath, to be sure, was one of the best markets in England, and he endeavoured 
 to get everything good ; but the fish, he feared, was not that most fashionable 
 in town at present ; and the roast mutton was a very homely joint, &c., &c. ; 
 
 but he hoped Mr would excuse the deficiencies, for he is most welcome 
 
 to the fare, "such as it is ! " A smile rewarded this first ebullition, which 
 was almost converted into a burst of laughter when the wines came within a 
 similar category. "This sherry is direct from Cadiz, but not, I am afraid, of 
 the highest quality ; and the other was only humble port, a kitchen wine 
 with high people ; but I have had it in bottle nine years, and I hope you will 
 be able to drink it, sir, such as it is ! " Everything went on in the same 
 manner till Mr , unable to keep his countenance much longer, pre- 
 tended an urgent engagement in order to get away early in the evening. His 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 255 
 
 host regretted this exceedingly, and said, " I am indeed very sorry that you 
 are obliged to leave us so soon, and the more so as I can assure you I have 
 been muck entertained by your conversation, such as it is T' 
 
 A WEARY NIGHT. 
 Moore relates what he calls the good story of the fellow in the Marshal-sea 
 having heard his companion brushing his teeth the last thing at night, and, 
 then upon waking, at the same work in the morning : * ' Ugh, a weary night 
 you must have had of it, Mr Fitzgerald. " 
 
 HE KNEW HIM. 
 Writes Frederick Locker : — In recent hill warfare with the Afreedees, who 
 are human beings not a whit more degraded than the aborigines of West- 
 minster, some of the native population zealously took our side. On one 
 occasion an officer on duty pointed out to a native sentry a certain black 
 fellow whom he had observed skulking with others round the fort, evidently 
 with sinister intentions. " I see him, sar," said the sentry — " had two shots 
 at him a'ready, him dam hard to hit, he hardest man to hit I know." *' Oh 
 you know him, do you?" said the officer. "Oh yes, sar, I know de dam rascal. 
 I been tryin' to shoot him all de week." "Well, who is he? What's his 
 name ? " " Oh, de dam rascal — he my father." 
 
 A LEVER AND A PULLEY. 
 Poole told Moore of a man who said " I can only offer you for dinner what 
 the French call a lever (lievre) and b. pulley (poulet)." 
 
 HE NEVER LOOKED AT THEM. 
 Lord Holland told in Moore's hearing the story of a man who professed to 
 have studied "Euclid" all through, and upon some one saying to him, "Well, 
 solve me that problem," answered, "Oh, I never looked at the cuts." 
 
 A SARCASTIC BOOTMAKER. 
 I remember (says Gronow) Horace Churchill (afterwards killed in India, with 
 the rank of major-general), who was then an ensign in the guards, entering 
 Hoby's shop in a great passion, saying that his boots were so ill made that he 
 should never employ Hoby for the future. Hoby, putting on a pathetic cast 
 of countenance, called to his shopman, "John, close the shutters. It is aU 
 over with us; I must shut up shop : Ensign ChurchiU withdraws his custom 
 from me." Churchill's fury can be better imagined than described. 
 
256 TREA S UR V OF MODERN A NECD O TE. 
 
 FOR RIDING. 
 
 On another occasion (says the same authority) the late Sir John Shelly 
 came into Hoby's shop to complain that his top-boots had split in several 
 places. Hoby quietly said, "How did that happen, Sir John?" " Why, in 
 walking to my stable." "Walking to your stable !" said Hoby with a sneer; 
 "I made the boots for riding, not walking." 
 
 STEWED IN ONIONS. 
 Mrs Wordsworth and a lady were walking once in a wood when the stock- 
 dove was cooing. A fanner's wife coming by, said, "Oh, I do like stock- 
 doves !" Mrs Wordsworth (says Haydon), in all her enthusiasm for Words- 
 worth's beautiful address to the stock-dove, took the old woman to her heart. 
 "But," continued the old woman, "some like 'em in a pie; for my part 
 there's nothing like 'em stewed in onions ! " 
 
 ONE OVER. 
 Walpole writes : — After the execution of the eighteen malefactors [1787], a 
 female was bawling an account of them, but called them nineteen. A gentle- 
 man said to her, "Why do you say nineteen? There were but eighteen 
 hanged." She replied, "Sir, I did not know you had been reprieved." 
 
 A FILLET OF VEAL. 
 
 Mrs R. A. mentioned to Moore a good hon mot of a friend of hers, a lady, 
 who was at a fancy ball, dressed with a band round her forehead, and a veil 
 hanging from it. " Is that a veal ?" said a vulgar man, addressing her, and 
 mincing the word as I have spelt it. " Yes," she answered, pointing to the 
 band, ''&filUt:' 
 
 NOT SO BAD AS THAT. 
 
 One day Theodore Hook was travelling in a coach. There were (says 
 Young) but two inside passengers — a very pretty, but very delicate-looking 
 young lady, attended by a very homely-looking maid. The coach stopped 
 twenty minutes to allow of dinner. Hook returned first to his place; the maid 
 next. During the absence of her young mistress, Hook said to her, in a tone 
 of great sympathy — "Your young lady seems very unwell." *f Yes, sir ; she 
 suffers sadly." "Consumption, I should fear?" "No, sir; I am sorry to 
 say it is the heart." "Dear me! Aneurism?" "0 no, sir! it is only a 
 lieutenant in the navy." 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL, i^l 
 
 THE MYSTERY EXPLAINED. 
 A certain noble housewife — Cannon used to say — ^had observed that her 
 stock of pickled cockles was running remarkably low, and she spoke to tho 
 cook in consequence, who alone had access to them. The cook had noticed 
 the same serious deficiency : "she couldn't tell how, but they certainly hadi 
 disappeared much too fast ! " A degree of coolness, approaching to estrange- 
 ment, ensued between these worthy individuals, which the rapid consumption 
 of the pickled cockles by no means contributed to remove. The lady became 
 more distant than ever, spoke pointedly and before company of " some 
 people's unaccountable partiality to pickled cockles," etc. The cook's 
 character was at stake : unwilling to give warning, with such an imputation 
 upon her self-denial, not to say honesty, she, nevertheless, felt that all con- 
 fidence between her mistress and herself was at an end. One day, the jar 
 containing the evanescent condiment being placed as usual on the dresser, 
 while she was busily engaged in basting a joint before the fire, she happened 
 to turn suddenly round, and beheld, to her great indignation, a favourite magpie, 
 remarkable for his conversational powers and general intelligence, perched by 
 its side, and dipping his beak down the open neck with every symptom of 
 gratification. The mystery was explained — the thief detected ! Grasping the 
 ladle of scalded grease which she held in her hand, the exasperated lady 
 dashed the whole contents over the hapless pet, accompanied by the exclama- 
 tion — "Oh, d — me, you've been at the pickled cockles, have ye?" Poor 
 Mag, of course, was dreadfully burnt ; most of his feathers came off, leaving 
 his little round pate, which had caught the principal part of the volley, 
 entirely bare. The poor bird moped about, lost all his spirit, and never 
 spoke for a whole year. At length, when he had pretty well recovered, and 
 was beginning to chatter again, a gentleman called at the house, who, on 
 taking off his hat, discovered a very bald head ! The magpie, who happened 
 to be in the room, appeared evidently struck by the circumstance : his remi- 
 niscences were at once powerfully excited by the naked appearance 'of tlie 
 gentleman's skull. Hopping upon the back of his chair, and looking him 
 hastily over, he suddenly exclaimed in the ear of the astounded visitor — "Oh, 
 d — me, yovlve been at the pickled cockles, have ye ?" 
 
 OUT AND IN. 
 
 J. C. Young says : — Colonel , dining with Mrs R , and finding that 
 
 she, like himself, was suffering from a bad cold, expressed warm sympathy for 
 her. She thanked him, and asked him how he had caught his ? " Oh," said 
 he, "I just got it by lying out. And you, madam, how did you catch 
 yours ?" ** Oh !" was the reply, "I just got it by lying w." 
 
 R 
 
^58 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 METAPHYSICS. 
 According to L'Estrange, Mrs Charles Kemble's description of metaphysics 
 was — ** When A calls to B and C, and B and C don't understand him, and A 
 does not understand himself — that is metaphysics." 
 
 AS THEY WERE. 
 Dined at Birmingham (writes Moore). . . One of my companions men- 
 tioned that an old woman said, upon the regiment of the Inniskilleners lately 
 entering that town, "Well, boys, you look mighty well, considering it is 
 now a hundred and nine years since you were here before. " 
 
 THEIR NASTY SINS. 
 A clergyman (says Young) was exceedingly annoyed by the intemperate 
 freaks and excesses of certain Baptists who invaded his parish, and estranged 
 many of his flock from him. He was surprised and hurt to find an old lady, 
 a farmer's wife, had allowed them to dip their converts in her pond. On his 
 remonstrating with her, she declared that they had done it entirely without 
 her consent, or even her knowledge, but vowed they should never do so 
 again. "I ain't no idea of their coming and leaving all their nasty sins 
 behind them in my water. * ' 
 
 SO WARM AND COMFORTABLE. 
 
 Young writes again : — Mrs Young and I dined with the Rector of Wootton 
 Basset. His wife is lovely in person, amiable in manner, essentially feminine, 
 but lamentably deaf. Owing to this infirmity, a ludicrous mistake arose. 
 The ladies were in the drawing-room, and my wife was sitting with her back 
 to the door. A gentleman, whom we had met for the first time, had left the 
 dining-room before the others, and had entered so silently, that Mrs Young, 
 unconscious of his being behind her, made the following remark to the lady 
 of tlie house : — " What a very agreeable man Mr Hare is " (the very man at 
 the back of her chair). *'0h, yes," said the deaf lady; "and so warm and 
 comfortable of a winter's night," The hostess had thought Mrs Young was 
 praising her rooms, not her friend. 
 
 A GOOD DEFINITION. 
 Says the same writer :— A Mrs Tomkinson was staying at Putney with Mr 
 liCader, the father of the ex-member for Westminster, when one day, after a 
 dinner party, while sitting in the drawing-room with the ladies, who were 
 dissecting the characters of the gentlemen they had just left at the dining- 
 t^iblo, the name of one individual came on the tains who liad made himself 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 259 
 
 particularly disagreeable, not so much, by anything he had said or done as by 
 what he had left unsaid and undone, and by his exclusiveness, arrogance, and 
 sullen taciturnity. Each lady present, with the exception of Mrs Tomkinson, 
 having expressed her sentiments pretty freely about the noxious "party," her 
 opinion was challenged. "Well," she said, in her passive way, "he seems 
 to me to be an anomaly in natural philosophy: he is 'gravity without 
 attraction.' " 
 
 SOMETHING IN THE HOITSE. 
 Mathews, sen., gave a very entertaining account of his having been 
 recommended by Mr Lowdham, a member of the club, to stop at a particular 
 inn in Nottingham, when upon his last theatrical tour. He found it, how- 
 ever, quite a third-rate inn, and could get no attendance. Half-a-dozen 
 different people successively answered the bell when he rang, stared at him, 
 said "Yes, sir!" and went away; nor could he get anyone to show him into 
 a private room, though he had bespoken one. At last a great lubberly boy 
 came blubbering into the room, when Mathews addressed him very angrily : 
 — M. — "When am I to have my private room?" Boy. — "We han't got 
 none but one, and that's bespoke for Mathews the player." M. — "Well, I 
 am Mathews the player, as you call him," Boy. — " Oh, then you may come 
 this way!" He was ushered, at length, into a room with a tire just 
 lighted, and full of smoke; still there was nothing to be got to eat, while 
 Mathews, who had travelled between forty and fifty miles that day, was 
 very hungry. M. — "Send me up the master of the house! Where is the 
 master?" Boy. — "He's dead, sir!" M. — "Then send the mistress." 
 Boy. — "Mother's gone out ! " M. — " Well, do let me have something to eat, 
 at all events; can you get me a mutton chop?" Boy. — "Not till mother 
 comes home," M. — "Well, then, some cold meat — anything, confound it.! 
 boy ; have you got nothing in the house ? " Boy. — ' ' Yes, sir. " M. — " WeU, 
 what is it then ? " Here the poor boy burst into a flood of tears and blubbered 
 out, " An execution, sir!" 
 
 A LUCKY BOY. 
 Mark Boyd relates an anecdote which the late Mr Coates used to tell. He 
 had, he said, never known a request so ably and so judiciously put, inasmuch 
 as it was complied with four-fold. A boy, on a hot summer morning, was 
 passing down St James's Street, or along Pall Mall, when he observed two 
 gentlemen agreeably occupied at breakfast at their club window, which was 
 open. Adopting as rapidly as possible a supplicatory attitude and tone, he 
 addressed one of the gentlemen thus: "Please, sir, will you kindly give me 
 
26o TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 a little salt? Oh, sir, please do; for, if you give me a little salt, perhaps 
 this gentleman will give me an ^gg."" Kot only was an ^gg forthcoming, and 
 salt, but a good sized cup of coffee, in addition to a mufl^. 
 
 A VERY BAD BARGAIN. 
 
 Sir Patrick Hamilton, Mayor of Dublin, had, according to Walpole, a par- 
 simonious wife. In his mayoralty, he could not persuade her to buy a new 
 gown. The pride of the Hamiltons surmounted the penury of the Highlands. 
 He bought a silk that cost five-and-fifty shillings a yard, but told his wife it 
 cost but forty. In the evening she displayed it to some of her female acquaint- 
 ances. "Forty shillings a yard! Lord, madam," said one of them, "I 
 would give five-and-forty myself." "Would you, madam ? You shall have 
 it at that price." Judge how Sir Patrick was transported when he returned 
 at night, and she bragged of the good bargain she had made ! 
 
 WHAT A PROPHET IS. 
 Examining one of the Sunday School boys at Addington, I asked him (says 
 Barham) what a prophet was. He did not know. "If I were to teU you 
 what would happen to you this day twelvemonth, and it should come to pass, 
 what would you call me then, my little man?" "A fortune-teller, sir," said 
 the little boy. There was an end of the examination for the day. 
 
 AN ENFANT TERRIBLE. 
 Hicks told J. C. Young that the children of the National Infant School 
 at Swansea were taught very much by sign : the hand of the teacher sloped 
 signifying "oblique," the hand held flat, "horizontal," the hand upright, 
 "perpendicular." One of the Welsh bishops was preaching one day in behalf 
 of the school, when, observing several children whispering together, he held 
 his hand upright in a warning manner, meaning thereby to impose silence, on 
 which almost all the school, in the midst of his sermon, hoUoed out, " Per- 
 pendicular!" 
 
 A YOUTHFUL PREFERENCE. 
 Young speaks of hearing a charming story of one of the royal children, 
 which he hopes is true. When last the Queen was about to be confined, the 
 Prince Consort said to one of his little boys, " I think it very likely, my dear, 
 that the Queen will soon present you with a little brother or sister; which of 
 the two would you prefer ?" The child, pausing — " Well, I think, if it is the 
 same to Mamma, I should prefer a pony." 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 261 
 
 BRAVO, WORM! 
 I had (says Jerdan) a pleasing correspondence with Lord Erskine, when he 
 printed his humane appeal in favour of the rooks, and contended that by 
 their destruction of insects they much overpaid the loss of any injury done 
 to the fanners' crops. There was nobody, to be sure, to take up the case of 
 the suffering insects. The only word I ever heard uttered in favour of the 
 tribe was the reply of the lazy fellow in Dublin, when reproached with his 
 sluggard habits. *'Ah, Dick, Dick, thou wilt never come to good, lying 
 in bed till noon ! It is the early bird, Dick, that picks up the worm." " Ay, 
 but," said Dick, "the worm was up first ! " 
 
 A PERTINENT QUERY. 
 Moore writes : — Sheridan, the first time he met Tom, his son, after the 
 marriage of the latter, seriously angry with him, told him he had made his 
 will, and had cut him off with a shilling. Tom said he was, indeed, very 
 sorry, and immediately added : "You don't happen to have the shilling about 
 you now, sir, do you?" Old S. burst out laughing, and they became friends 
 again. 
 
 A SIN AND A SHAME. 
 A story of Barham on a steamboat trip : — An old woman on board told 
 some of her friends who were very merry, that while she was at Margate in 
 the course of the summer, the friend at whose house she had been staying 
 had gone into the market for the purpose of purchasing a goose. There were 
 but two in the whole place, offered for sale by a girl of fourteen, who refused 
 to part with one without the other, assigning no other reason for her obstinacy 
 than that it was her mother's order. Not wishing for two geese, the lady at 
 first declined the purchase, but at last finding no other was to be had, and re- 
 collecting that a neighbour might be prevailed upon to take one off her hands, 
 she concluded the bargain i Having paid for and secured the pair, she asked 
 the girl at parting if she knew her mother's reason for the directions she had 
 given. *■' yes! mistress," answered the young poultry merchant readily; 
 " mother said that they had lived together eleven years, and it would be a sin 
 and a shame to part them now !" 
 
 SO CLEANLY. 
 A story has been told (says Lord Wm. Lennox) of a noble lord, still flourish- 
 ing (1876), who upon saying to a keeper, " I suppose you've scarcely ever met 
 with a worse shot than I am?" "Oh yes, my lord," responded the other, 
 "I've met with many a worse, for you misses them so cleanly." 
 
262 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 IS THAT ALL ? 
 J. C. Young writes : — At the Duke of Wellington's funeral the little child 
 of a friend of mine was standing with her mother at Lord Ashburton's win- 
 dow to see the mournful pageant. During the passage of the procession, she 
 made no remark until the duke's horse was led by, its saddle empty, and his 
 boots reversed in the stirrups, when she looked up into her mother's face, and 
 said, ' * Mamma, when we die, will there be nothing left of us but boots ? " 
 
 DYING AND DYEING. 
 
 Captain Gronow writes : — The Duke of Gloucester frequently visited Chel- 
 tenham during the season. Upon one occasion he called upon Colonel Hig- 
 gins, brother to the equerry of His Koyal Highness the Prince Eegent, and on 
 inquiring of the servant if his master was at home, received for answer, " My 
 master is dyeing." "Dying!" repeated the Duke, "have you sent for a 
 doctor?" "No, sir." His Royal Highness immediately ran back into the 
 street, and having the good fortune to find a medical man, he requested him to 
 come at once to Colonel Higgins, as he was at the point of death. The Duke 
 and the doctor soon reached the Colonel's house, and after again asking the 
 servant how his master was, that functionary replied, " I told you, sir, that 
 he was dyeing." They mounted the staircase, and were rather amused to 
 find the reported invalid busily occupied in dyeing his hair. 
 
 OUT TOO. 
 
 Moore gives the story of a man asking a servant, "Is your master at home ?" 
 " No sir, he's out." "Your mistress?" "No sir, she's out." "Well, I'll 
 just go in and take an air of the fire till they come." " Faith, sir, that's out 
 
 too. 
 
 SO DARK-LIKE YOURSELF. 
 Frederick Locker writes : — A lady of my acquaintance, a brunette, hap- 
 pened to show her maid one of those little sticking-plaster profiles which they 
 used to call siXhoueUes. It was the portrait of the lady's aunt, whom the girl 
 had never seen, and she said quite innocently, " La, ma'am, I always 
 thought as how you had some black relations, you are so dark -like yourself, 
 you know." 
 
 SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT. 
 "Monk" Lewis (says Gronow) had a black servant, affectionately attached 
 to his master; but so ridiculously did this servant repeat his master's 
 expressions, that he became the laughing-stock of all his master's friends. 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 263 
 
 Brummell used often to raise a hearty laugh at Carlton House by repeating 
 witticisms which he pretended to have heard from Lewis's servant ; some of 
 these were very stale, yet they were considered so good as to be repeated at 
 the clubs, and greatly added to the reputation of the Beau as a teller of good 
 things. "On one occasion," said Brummell, "I called to inquire after a 
 young lady who had sprained her ankle. " Lewis, on being asked how she 
 was, had said in the black's presence, "The doctor has seen her, put her 
 legs straight, and the poor chicken is doing well." The servant, therefore, 
 told me, with a mysterious and knowing look, " Oh, sir, the doctor has been 
 here ; she has laid eggs, and she and the chickens are doing well." 
 
 A MODEL WAITER. 
 Charles Mathews, jun., once told me (says J. C. Young) that he went intO' 
 an eating-house to have lunch, and found the orders given by the visitors on 
 the first floor were conveyed below to the kitchen through a tube. A gentle- 
 man came in and ordered a basin of ox-tail soup ; two, mock-turtle ; three 
 others asked for pea-soup ; and one more, for bonilli. The waiter, too busy 
 to give the orders for each separately, gave them altogether, with great 
 rapidity, in this concentrated form, at the mouth of the tube : — " One 
 ox — two mocks — three peas — and a bully !" 
 
 HE WAS DRUNK. 
 Mr Tenant (says Lady Holland) lived in a small lodging, and his establish- 
 ment consisted solely of an old black servant, who tyrannized over him in na 
 small degree, called Dominique. He was overheard one morning calling from 
 his bed, "Dominique! Dominique!" but no Dominique appeared. "Why 
 don't you bring me my stockings, Dominique?" "Can't come, massa."" 
 "Why can't you come, Dominique?" " Can't come, massa; I'm dronke." 
 
 A SMALL GROOM. 
 This is one of Dickens's stories^: — A very small groom, with fiery-red hair, 
 has looked very hard at me, and fluttered about me at the same time like a 
 giant butterfly. After a pause, he says, in a Sam-Wellerish kind of way, " I 
 went to the club this mornin', sir. There vorn't no letters, sir. " " Very 
 good, Topping." "How's missis, sir?" "Pretty well, Topping." "Glad 
 to hear it, sir. My missis ain't very well, sir." "No!" "No, sir; she'a 
 agoin', sir, to have a hincrease very soon, and it makes her rather nervous, 
 sir ; and ven a young voman gets at all down at sich a time, sir, she goes- 
 
 1 Field's Yesterdays with Authors. 
 
264 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 down werry deep, sir." To this sentiment I reply affirmatively, and then he 
 adds, as he stirs the fire (as if he were thinking out aloud), " Wot a mystery 
 it is ! Wot a go is natur' ! " With which scrap of philosophy he gradually 
 gets nearer to the door, and so fades out of the room. 
 
 NOWI 
 One of Hook's stories was of Sir George Warrender, who was once obliged 
 to put off a dinner-party in consequence of the death of a relative, and sat 
 down to a haunch of venison by himself. While eating, he said to his butler, 
 " John, this will make a capital hash to-morrow." " Yes, Sir George, if you 
 leave of^ now/" 
 
 THE SAME. 
 This same man (adds Dickens) asked me one day, soon after I came home 
 [from America], what Sir John Wilson was. This is a friend of mine, who 
 took our house and servants and everything as it stood, during our absence in 
 America. I told him an ofiicer. " A wot, sir ? " " An officer. " And then, 
 for fear he should think I meant a police officer, I added, " An officer in the 
 ai-my." " I beg your pardon, sir," he said, touching his hat, "but the club as 
 I always drove him to wos the United Servants. " The real name of this club 
 is the United Service, but I have no doubt he thought it was a high-life- 
 below-stairs kind of resort, and that this gentleman was a retired butler or 
 superannuated footman. 
 
 THEY WILL DO IT. 
 
 A friend of mine (says Frederick Locker) had a gamekeeper who was an 
 original, and often expressed himself very incisively. One day he was in the 
 cover with a neighbour who invariably missed everything he aimed at. A 
 l)heasant got up, the neighbour blazed away, some feathers flew, and he ex- 
 claimed in a voice of natural exultation, " I hit him that time, Cox, and no 
 mistake." The man's reply was characteristic : "Ah, sir, they will fly into 
 it sometimes. " 
 
 A THOUGHTFUL SERYANT. 
 
 Nearly one hundred years ago (says the same writer) my grandfather. 
 Captain William Locker, was at dinner, and a servant boy, lately engaged, 
 was handing him a tray of liqueurs, in different-sized glasses. Being in the 
 middle of an anecdote to his neighbour, he mechanically held out his hand 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 265 
 
 towards the tray, but, as people often do when they are thinking of some- 
 thing else, he did not take a glass. The hoy thought he was hesitating which 
 liqueur he would have, and like a good fellow, wishing to help his master, he 
 pointed to one particular glass, and whispered, "That's the biggest, sir." 
 
 A JACK-ASS HURRY. 
 [When George Young, uncle of the Rev. J. C. Young], was taking the 
 waters at Carlsbad, he was favourably impressed by the looks and manners of 
 a young man, attached to the hotel in which he was living. Leopold Kiefer 
 (says J. C. Young) was an intelligent, honest, sober, well-principled creature ; 
 but he laboured under one besetting infirmity, which he never could get the 
 better of. His utterance was so rapid, and his articulation so indistinct, that 
 — what with his broken English and his German dialect, and his nervous 
 anxiety to satisfy his benefactor — he made himself perfectly unintelligible. My 
 uncle was so indisposed to find fault, that he usually contented himself with 
 giving the erring one a look of eloquent reproof. But on one particular occasion, 
 when he was rattling otf his messages in his usual style, he was interrupted 
 in his wild career with this admonition, " Leopold, don't be in one of your 
 jack-ass hurries." These words, and the tone in which they were spoken, 
 sank so deep into the poor fellow's soul, that he generally, ever after, preluded 
 anything he had to say with the assurance that he ' ' was not in a jack-ass 
 hurry." I recall, with much amusement, being at dinner with my two 
 uncles on one occasion, when a thundering knock at the front door, and a 
 violent ring at the bell, caused my uncle George to drop his knife and fork 
 on his plate. The din which unnerved the master only excited the man ; a 
 torpedo could not have affected his sympathetic nature more powerfully. 
 In one instant he had darted out of the room; in another, he had darted 
 in again, and delivered himself of the following statement, with the volu- 
 bility peculiar to Charles Mathews and the incoherency peculiar to him- 
 self, and with all the words strung together: — " Eef^you — bleaze — shur 
 — here — ees — a — shentleman — on — a — door — at — a — hoarse — mit — a — ^groom 
 — vich — vould — speak — mit — you — on — a — door." He was received with a 
 look of sad reproof by my uncle, who had risen from table, napkin in hand, 
 fearing that something serious was the matter. This at once brought the 
 culprit to his bearings. Conscious that he had transgressed, he suddenly 
 drew Mmself up, and, in a manner as stiff and constrained as that of a private 
 when told at drill to " stand at ease," and taking care to enunciate his words 
 v'ith a suitable interval between each, he thus corrected himself: — **Eef-^you 
 — bleaze — shur — I — ham — not — in — a — shack — hass — horry — hot — dere— ees 
 a — shentleman — on — he's — gi'oom — mit — he's — horse — on — de— door." 
 
266 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 A PIOUS HOPE. 
 When one day visiting a prison chaplain, the Kev. W. Harness^ asked him 
 whether his ministry had been attended with success. "With very little, I 
 grieve to say, " was the reply. * * A short time since I thought I had brought to 
 a better state of mind a man who had attempted to murder a woman and had 
 been condemned to death. He showed great signs of contrition after the sen- 
 tence was passed upon him, and I thought I could observe the dawnings of grace 
 upon the soul. I gave him a Bible, and he was most assiduous in the study 
 of it, frequently quoting passages from it which he said convinced him of the 
 heinousness of his offence. The man gave altogether such a promise of refor- 
 mation, and of a change of heart and life, that I exerted myself to the utmost, 
 and obtained for him such a commutation of his sentence as would enable 
 him soon to begin the world again, and, as I hoped, with a happier result. 
 I called to inform him of my success. His gratitude knew no bounds ; he 
 said I was his preserver, his deliverer. "And here," he added, as he grasped 
 my hand in parting, *' here is your Bible. I may as well return it to you, for 
 I hope that I shall never want it again." 
 
 IN DANGER OF HIS LIFE. 
 Sir Nicholas Bacon (says Lord Campbell) used to tell a story which he was 
 supposed to have invented or embellished — that at [an] assize town a notorious 
 rogue, knowing there was a clear case against him, and hoping that he 
 might have some chance from my Lord Judge's tone of humour, instead of 
 pleading, took to himself the liberty of jesting ; and, as if the Judge having 
 some evil design, he had been to sware the peace against him, exclaimed, ** I 
 charge you in the Queen's name to seize and take away that man in the red 
 gown there, for I go in danger of my life because of him." 
 
 V. AND W. 
 
 The grand Vittoria Festival in Vauxhall Gardens was (says Jerdan) an en- 
 joyment in its way. The illuminated V's and W's were very brilliant, and 
 the jest was made of one Cockney asking another what the letters meant, and 
 receiving for answer, ' ' Vy, the V's stand for Vellington, and the W's for 
 Wictory, to be sure." 
 
 A DOUBLE-BREASTED GUN. 
 Jones, the tailor, was asked by a customer who thought much of his cut, to 
 go down and have some shooting with him in the country. Among the party 
 
 1 See the Life, and Letters by L'Estrange. 
 
ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 267 
 
 (says L'Estrange) was the Duke of Nortlmmberland. "Well, Mr Jones," 
 observed his Grace, " I'm glad to see you are becoming a sportsman. "What 
 sort of gun do you shoot with?" "Oh, with a double-breasted one, your 
 Grace," was the reply. 
 
 A REMARKABLE CLERK. 
 The following letter (says J. C. Young) was sent from a clerk to his rector. 
 Tt Avould appear that the clerk had complained of the insignificant remunera- 
 tion he had received for his services, and finding that there was no idea on 
 the part of the rector or the cliurch wardens of raising his fees, he threw up his 
 office in disgust. Subsequent reflection convinced him he had made a mis- 
 take. It was, therefore, in the spirit of penitence that he wrote the following 
 extraordinary production to his rector: — "Dear and Rev. Sir, — I avail my- 
 self of the opportunity of troubling your honour with these blundered-up 
 lines, which I hope you will excuse, and which is the very sentiments of your 
 humble servant's heart. I, ignorantly, rashly, but reluctantly, gave warning 
 to leave your highly-respected office, and most amiable duty, as being your 
 servant and clerk of this your most well-^^orked parish, and place of my 
 .succour and support. But, dear sir, I well know it was no fault of yours, nor 
 any of my most worthy parishioners. It was because I thought I were not 
 sufficiently paid for the interment of the silent dead. But, will I be a Judas, 
 and leave the house of my God, the place where His honour dwelleth, for a 
 few pieces of silver ? No ! Will I be a Peter, and deny myself of an office 
 in His sanctuary, and cause myself to weep bitterly ? No ! Can I be so 
 unreasonable as to deny, if I live and am well, the pleasure to ring that 
 solemn toll that speaks the departure of a soul ? No ! Can I leave off 
 digging the tombs of my neighbours and acquaintance, which have many a 
 time made me shudder and think of my mortality, especially when I have 
 dug up the mortal remains of some one as I perhaps very well knew ? No ! 
 Can I so abruptly forsake the services of my beloved church, which I have 
 not failed to attend of every Sunday, for this seven year and a half ? No ! 
 Can I leave waiting upon you, a minister of that Being 'that sitteth between 
 the cherubims, and flieth upon the wings of the wind V No !' Can I leave 
 the place where our most holy service calls forth, and says — * Those whom 
 God hath joined together (and being, as I am, a married man), let no man 
 put asunder ? ' No ! Can I leave that ordinance, where you say, ' Thus and 
 thus, I baptize thee in the name of,' etc., etc., etc. ; and he becomes 'regene- 
 rate and grafted into the body of Christ's church V No ! Can I think of 
 leaving off cleaning, at Easter, the house of God, in whom I take such 
 delight, in looking down her aisles, and beholding her sanctuary and the 
 table of the Lord ? No ! Can I forsake taking a part in the service of 
 
268 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. 
 
 thanksgiving of women after cliildbirth, when mine own wife has been de- 
 livered these ten times ? No ! Can I leave off waiting on the congregation 
 of the Lord, which you well know, sir, is my delight ? No ! Can I leave 
 the table of the Lord, at which I have feasted a matter of, I dare say, full 
 thirty times ? No ! And, dear sir, can I ever forsake you, who has ever 
 been kind to me ? No ! And I well know ' you will entreat me not to leave 
 you, neither to return from following after you : for where you pray, there 
 will I pray ; where you worship, will I worship ; your church shall be my 
 church ; your people shall be my people ; and your God shall be my God. ' 
 By the waters of Babylon am I to sit down and weep, and leave thee, my 
 church, and hang my harp upon the trees that grow in the yard ? No ! One 
 thing have I desired of the Lord all the days of my life — ' to behold the fair 
 beouty of the Lord, and to visit His temple.' * More to be desired art thou, 
 my church, than gold, yea, than much fine gold : sweeter to me than honey 
 and the honeycomb.' Now, think, sir, this is the very desire of my heart, 
 still to wait upon you, which I hope you will find to be my delight as hither^ 
 to ; but I, unthinkingly and rashly, said I would no longer ; for which ' I 
 have roared for the very disquietness of my heart.' Now, if you think me 
 worthy to wait upon you, please to tell the churchwardens that all is recon- 
 ciled ; and, if not, * I will get me away into the wilderness, and hide me in 
 the desert, in the clefts of the rocks ; ' but I hope still to be your Gehazi, and 
 when I meet my Shunamite, to be able to say — 'All, all, is well.' I will 
 conclude my blunders with my oft-repeated prayer, that it may be * As it was 
 in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end — Amen.' 
 Now, sir, I shall go on with my fees a same as I found them, and will make 
 no more trouble about them ; but I will not, I cannot, I must not^ leave you 
 nor my delightful duties. Your most obedient servant, ■ " 
 
INDEX. 
 
 " Abandoned habits," 84. 
 
 Abbot, the actor, alluded to, 127. 
 
 Aberdeen, Lord, cited, 96. 
 
 "Ab his," 206. 
 
 " Accommodation bill," 107. 
 
 Actors and actresses, stories of, 154-177. 
 
 Adam, William, alluded to, 180. 
 
 Adolphus, the barrister, Berkeley's retort 
 
 on, 50. 
 "Agony is abated, the," 136, 
 " Agreeable little trifle of ' Hamlet,' " 165. 
 Albemarle, Lord, his Fifty Years of my Life 
 
 quoted, 22, et passim. 
 Alderson, Baron, mots by, 92, 93. 
 Allen, of the Edinburgh Review, referred to, 
 
 13, 121. 
 "All heart," 91. 
 "All my eye," 69, 137. 
 "All silent and all damned," 133. 
 Alvanley, Lord, anecdotes of, 38, 39. 
 Andover, Lord, mot about, 45. 
 Andrew, John, lines on, 253. 
 "Angry schoolboy, the," 125. 
 "Any one in particular?" 20. 
 "Apple-piety," 34. 
 
 Ashburton, Harriet, Lady, mots by_, 53. 
 Ashe, the clubmaster, Luttrell on, 31. 
 Ashurst, Justice, Erskine's lines on, 64. 
 Atterbuiy, Bishop, story of, 189. 
 Avonmore, Lord, Curran's tricks upon, 59, 
 
 105 ; story of, 105. 
 Aytoun, Professor, referred to, 150. 
 
 " Backward spring, a," 142. 
 
 Bacon, Lord, quoted, 94. 
 
 Bacon, Sir Nicholas, sayings of, 82, 83. 
 
 " Bad judge, a," 111. 
 
 Bagehot, Walter, mots by, 147. 
 
 Baird, Lady, story of, 216. 
 
 Balmerino, Lord, Selwyn on, 41. 
 
 Bankes' History of Rome, referred to, 94. 
 
 Barhani, R. H., his Diary quoted, 14, et jkis- 
 
 sim : mot by, 139. 
 Barnes, Dr, story of, 253. 
 Barrington, Sir Jonah, quoted, 62, etpapstm; 
 
 mot by, 98. 
 Barry, Colonel, referred to, 178. 
 Barry, Redmond, mot by, 176. 
 
 Barrymore, Lord, joke by, 50. 
 
 Bass, the actor, story of. 175. 
 
 Baynham, Walter, quoted, 176, 177. 
 
 Beames, the reporter. Sir George Rose on, 
 110. 
 
 " Beau Morris," 67. 
 
 Beaumont, Sir George, referred to, 12, 159. 
 
 Beazley, Samuel, mots by, 128, 129. 
 
 " Begin with a bumper," 110. 
 
 " Belzebub's bosom," 215. 
 
 " Benefit of the act, the," 87. 
 
 Bennett, George, story of, 197. 
 
 BentJey's Miscellany, James Smith on, 140. 
 
 Berkeley, Grantley, his Recollections quoted, 
 99. 
 
 Berkeley, Hon. H. F., his retort on Adolphus, 
 50. 
 
 Berry, Miss, alluded to, 13. 
 
 "Better marry than bum," 79. 
 
 " Better than none," 144. 
 
 Bickle aad Salter, Hick's lines on, 86. 
 
 " Birds of a feather," 138. 
 
 Blackwood, John, pun by, 150. 
 
 Blessington, Lady, her life cited, 37. 
 
 " Bloom of ugliness, the," 53. 
 
 Bloomfield, Bp., Sydney Smith on, 16. 
 
 " Bluebottle-ttj'-catching," IS. 
 
 '•' Boiled, ma'am," 132. 
 
 " Book of Nature, the," 81. 
 
 " Bore-contradictor, the," 47. 
 
 " Boring a matter of Science," 82. 
 
 Bowles, the poet, anecdotes of, 113-115; re- 
 ferred to, 195. 
 
 Boyd, Mark, his Reminiscences quoted, 16, et 
 passim. 
 
 Braxfield. Lord, anecdotes of, 96, 97. 
 
 Bright, John, mot by, 189. 
 
 Brindal, the actor, anecdote of, 166, 
 
 Brinkley, Dr, referred to, 67. 
 
 " Broken English," 139. 
 
 Brummell, Beau, stories of, 47. 
 
 Buchan, Earl of, the Duchess of Goodwin, 43. 
 
 Bunn, Alfred, referred to, 143. 
 
 Burdett, Sir Francis, Lord John Russell on, 
 189. 
 
 Burgess, Bishop, referred to, 14. 
 
 Burgess, Sir J. B., Porsou on, 203. 
 
 Burgh, the barri.stcr, impromiJtu by, 99. 
 
270 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Bumey, Martin, Lamb's twoi on, 135. 
 Burns, Robert, anecdotes of, 121, 122. 
 Bushe, Chief-Justice, referred to, 67 ; anec- 
 dotes of, 69-72. 
 " Butler in tlie family," 43. 
 Butler, Sir Toby, story of, 97. 
 Byrou, Lord, nioU by, 120, 121. 
 
 " Caledonian Boar, a great," 68. 
 
 Callender, Miss, Sydney Smith on a, 17. 
 
 Campbell, Lord, Lives of Chancellors and Jus- 
 tices quoted, 43, et passim; Plunket's mot oxi, 
 68 ; on puisne judges, 102. 
 
 Campbell, Sir Colin, stories about, 209. 210. 
 
 Campbell, Sir Hay, referred to, 76. 
 
 Campbell, the poet, stories about, 115, 116 ; 
 mot by, 116 ; Rogers on, 117 ; cited, 250. 
 
 Canning, George, mots by, 181. 
 
 Canning's statue, story of, 112. 
 
 Cannon, the clergyman. 21; mot by, 192. 
 'Cant of patriotism," 189. 
 
 Carleton, Chief-Justice, Curran's mots on, 62. 
 
 Carmarthen, Lord, and Foote, 158. 
 
 Caroline, Queen, on her husband, 49. 
 
 Carysfort, a rhyme for, 254. 
 
 " Casting reflections," 206. 
 
 Castlereagh, Lord, stories of, 186, 187. 
 
 " Caws, my soul, the caws," 141. 
 
 " Cent'ry box," 107. 
 
 " Chairs killed under him," 17. 
 
 " Change for a guinea," 42. 
 
 Chateaubriand, Talleyrand on, 229, 231. 
 
 Chatham, Earl of, epigram on, 211. 
 
 Chatterton, Lady, cited, 17, et passim. 
 
 Chelmsford, Lord, anecdote of, 99. See The- 
 siger. 
 
 Chesterfield, Lord, anecdotes of, 39, 40. 
 
 ** Chol-mon-dely," 157. 
 
 Chorley, Henry F., his Life quoted, 23, et 
 passim. 
 
 Christal, the artist, 248. 
 
 Church, going to, Foote on, 154. 
 
 " Civil thing, the," 45. 
 
 Clare, Lord, Curran's mot cm, 63. 
 
 Clarke, Mrs Cowden, quoted, 146. 
 
 Clergy, the, stories about, 192-202. 
 
 " Clerks who have taken Priest's orders," 128. 
 
 Climate of England, the, Luttrell on, 32. 
 
 Cockburn, Lord, his Memorials quoted, 16, 
 et passim. 
 
 Coigny, Madame de, mots by, 234. 
 
 Colchough, Cfesar, Bushe's lines on, 70. 
 
 " Cold clergyman on the side-board," 15. 
 
 Coleridge, the poet, epigram by, 121; mot of, 
 121 ; Slieridan on, 124 ; Lamb on, 132. 
 
 Collier, Payne, Jerrold on, 146. 
 
 Colman, George, mots by, 129, 130. 
 
 Colman, George, referred to, 35. 
 
 Companies, Thurlow on, 77. 
 
 " Compound householder, the," 46. 
 
 " Compromise has broken out," 112. 
 
 Compton, Henry, Life of, quoted, 147; anec- 
 dotes of. 164-166. 
 
 " Con of the hundred bottles," 68. 
 
 "Con seated," 6S. 
 
 Constable, Archibald, his Correspondence 
 
 cited, 50, et passim. 
 Constable, the artist, story of, 243. 
 Constant, Benjamin, referred to, 181; moi by, 
 
 235. 
 Constitution, the, Boyle Roche on, 79. 
 " Contingent remainder, a," 56. 
 Conway, Harry, jun., mo< by, 48. 
 Cook, Button, his Book of the Play quoted, 
 
 168, et passim. 
 Cook, John, anecdote of, 168. 
 " Cool of the evening, the," 15. 
 Cooper, Fenimore, cited, 252. 
 Cooper, Harry, moi by, 99. 
 Cork, Lady, Jeykll on, 35 ; her theory of 
 
 Heaven, 43 ; Lady D'Orsay on, 43. 
 Cornwall, Barry, quoted, 117, 136. See Proc- 
 ter. 
 Country cousins, Sydney Smith on, 15. 
 " Court is with you, the," 80. 
 Coventry, Lady, Selwyn on, 42. 
 Coyne, Stirling, mot on, 152. 
 " Cozens German," 134. 
 " Creates a prejudice," 123. 
 Croker, John Wilson, quoted, 21. 
 Croly, Rev. George, mots by," 122, 123. 
 " Cu-cumberland, Duke of," 132. 
 Cumberland, Duke of, anecdote of, 49, 50 ; 
 
 Foote on, 154. 
 Cumberland, the dramatist, Sheridan on, 124. 
 Curran, the barrister, anecdotes of, 54-63 ; 
 
 Boyle Roche's mot on, 80. 
 " Cursed be Sally," 136. 
 " Curtsey bobbing," 18. 
 Cushman, Charlotte, cited, 171. 
 
 " Daddy Longlegs," Whately on, 196. 
 Balling, Lord, his Life of Peel cited, 188. . 
 " Damned custom," 148. 
 " Damned spot," 11. 
 
 " D d first," 77. 
 
 " D d poll," 106. 
 
 " Damn me," 174. 
 
 Daniskiold, Count, story of, 241. 
 
 " Darkness and gnashing of teeth," 15, 
 
 " Darkness that may be felt," 31. 
 
 Davenport, Mrs, the actress, story of, 171. 
 
 Davies, Lady, quoted, 236, et i)assim. 
 
 Davies, Scrope, epitaph by, 51. 
 
 Davy. Lady, anecdotes of, 44; Rogers' mot 
 
 concerning, 117. 
 Davy, Serjeant, referred to, 35. 
 Davy, Sir Humphrey, referred to, 13. 
 Delitice Dditiarum quoted, 45. 
 Delphini, the clown, story of, 171. 
 Dempster, M. P., story of, 190. 
 "Derby dilly," 182. 
 Derby, Earl of, story of, 189. 
 " De-scent-ers," 196. 
 
 Descent into Hell, Heraud's, Jerrold on, 145. 
 " Diapason closing full in Dan," 32. 
 Dickens, Charles, quoted, 200, 263. 
 Diner-out, a, Luttrell on, 32. 
 " Discontents, the," 118. 
 " Disguise of a reasonable being," 82. 
 Dissenters, Dr Johnson on, 131. 
 
INDEX. 
 
 271 
 
 " Do a Jew, never could," 38. 
 
 Dodd, James, Porson on, 203. 
 
 Dogmatism, Jerrold on, 147. 
 
 Doherty, Judge, mote by, 89. 
 
 " Domy-silly-airy visit, a," 90. 
 
 Donaldson, the scholar, mote by, 203, 204. 
 
 D'Orsay, Count, anecdotes of, 37, 3S, 233. 
 
 Douglas, Lady, mot by, 45. 
 
 Drake, Dr, anecdotes of, 195, 196. 
 
 " Drowned if I chose," 105. 
 
 " Drip, drip, drip," 124. 
 
 Dryden. John, cited, 32, 182. 
 
 Duchenois, Mdlle., Talleyrand on, 230, 
 
 " Duck and drake," 195. 
 
 Dudley, Earl of, anecdotes of, 27-31 ; Rogers' 
 
 epigram on, 30 ; Luttrell's lines on, 33 ; 
 
 Rogers' mot on, 118 ; Byron's mot on, 121 ; 
 
 Castlereagh on, 187. 
 Dunn, Billy, stories of, 166, 167. 
 Dunning (Lord Ashburton), mot by, 98. 
 Dyce, Rev. A., qutoed, 202. 
 
 " Early purl, the," 150. 
 
 " Echo in the Court," 72. 
 
 Egan, the barrister, Curran's mote on, 54, 571; 
 
 mo^ by, 184, 
 Egerton, Lord-keeper. See EUesmere. 
 " Eggs, the best for poaching," 141. 
 Eldon, Lord, quoted, 36 ; epigram on, by 
 
 Jekyll, 36; anecdotes of, 72-75, 109, 111, 112. 
 " Elevation of the Host, the," 71. 
 EUenborough, Lord, anecdotes of, 80-82. 
 EUesmere, Lord Chancellor, anecdote of, 94. 
 Elliott, Hugh, anecdotes of, 185, 186. 
 Elliston, Fladgate on, 93 ; Lamb on, 135. 
 Elm-wood, Lord Mansfield on, 92. 
 Elocution and boxing, Robert Smith on, 84. 
 Episcopal flirtations, Sydney Smith on, 10. 
 Equator, the. Lord Jeffrey and, 17. 
 Erskine, Henry, anecdotes of, 83, 84 ; referred 
 
 to, 221. 
 Erskine, Thomas, referred to, 35; anecdotes 
 
 of, 63-66. 
 Eskgrove, Lord, anecdotes of, 95. 
 Established Church, Thurlow on the, 77. 
 " Eternal friendship let us swear," 10, 
 " Everybody's daughter," 39. 
 " Everybody's husband," 44. 
 " Everybody's wives," 44. 
 Exeter, Bishop of, story of, 201. 
 
 Falkner, the actor, Coleman on, 129. 
 
 "Familiar with himself, too," 58. 
 
 Farquhar, Sir Walter, story of, 242. 
 
 " Fatted calf, the," 45. 
 
 Fawkener, Sir E. , Selwyn on, 42, 
 
 " Fee-simple, a," 133. 
 
 " Femme d'un Zero," 49. 
 
 " Feminine of idiot," 156. 
 
 Fenelon, mot by, 234. 
 
 Fields, J. T., his Yesterdays with Authors 
 
 quoted, 137, 
 "Filthy lucre," 152, 
 " First man of the age," 197, 
 Fitzgerald, Sir Judkin, Keller's mot on, 88. 
 Fitzpatrick's Life of Whately cited, 197, 
 
 Fladgate on EUiston, 93, 
 Flahault, Talleyrand on, 231, 
 " Flashes of silence," 16. 
 Foot, the tobacconist, Cun-an's mot on, 55. 
 Foote, Samuel, anecdotes of, 154-159. 
 "Forgive us our trespasses," 78. 
 Forster's Essays quoted, 155, et pass. 
 Fortescue, Lord, story of, 101. 
 Fouche, Talleyrand on, 230. 
 " Four by honours," 107. 
 Fox, Charles James, Selwyn on, 41, 42 ; Dud- 
 ley Worth on, 48 ; moi by, 180. 
 Fox, Henry, joke of, 180. 
 Francis, Sir Philip, Rogers on, 119. 
 Frederick the Great, Elliott's mots on, 1S5, 186, 
 Freeling, Sir Francis, referred to, 127, 
 Frere, J. H., mot by, 139. 
 Furton, Sir Thomas, Curran on, 59. 
 
 Garrick, the actor, Foote's mots on, 155, 156. 
 
 Gay, the poet, referred to, 193. 
 
 George II. alluded to, 40. 
 
 George III., Selwyn on, 41. 
 
 George IV., mot by, 49; Sheridan's mot on, 
 
 126, 
 " Get it by degrees," 131. 
 Gibbon, Sheridan on, 123. 
 Gilford, Irish editor, story of, 222. 
 Gillon, Joseph, anecdote of, 100. 
 Gloucester, Duke of, on Lord Hermand, 50. 
 " Gloves or stockings," 185. 
 " Go farther and fare worse," 200. 
 Going, the barrister, Curran's mot on, 54, 55. 
 " Going to the pit," 23. 
 Goldsmitli's " Elegy on a Mad Dog" cited, 16, 
 "Good is not the word," 106. 
 Goold, the barrister, story of, 1 05. 
 Gordon, Duchess of, on Earl of Buchan, 43. 
 Gordon, Lord George, referred to, 40, 
 Graham, Lord, Lord North on, 178. 
 Grant, the brothers. Hook on, 184, 
 Grant, Sir Robert, stories of, 185, 
 Grattan, anecdotes of, 183. 
 " Gravesend by water," 108. 
 " Grav: jamdudum," 14. 
 " Great first cause," 135. 
 "Great Seal, the," 66. 
 " Great snoring," 73. 
 Green, Thomas, his Diary quoted, 155. 
 GreviUe, Charles, his Diary quoted, 17, at 
 
 passim. 
 Gronow, Captain, his Diary quoted, 30, et 
 
 passim. 
 Guizot and his cook, 236. 
 Gunter, the confectioner. Lord Middleton's 
 
 mot on, 48. 
 
 Haldane, Dr, anecdote of, 204, 
 " Half seas over," 92. 
 " Half-worn wumman," 217. 
 Haliburton, Judge, anecdote of, 103, 
 Hallam, Henry, satirized, 47. 
 Hamilton, Sir John, sayings by, 51, 52, 
 Handshaking, Sydney Smith on, 9. 
 Hardwick, Lord. See Yorke. 
 " Hare with many friends," 133. 
 
272 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Harley, the actor, story of, 168. 
 
 Harness, Rev. W., quoted. 266. 
 
 Harris, Henry, story of, 167. 
 
 Harrison, W. H., his itemimscoices quoted, 
 
 21, et passim; imthj, 148. 
 Hatton, Lord Chancellor, referred to, 66 ; mot 
 
 by, 94. 
 " Haven't made up my mind," 127. 
 Hawes, surgeon, Hook on, 19. 
 Haydon, B. R., his Diary quoted, 45, et pass. 
 Hayward, Abraham, his Essays quoted, 41, ct 
 
 passim. 
 Heine, Heinrich, quoted, 197. 
 Henn, Jonathan, anecdotes of, 90. 
 Hermaud, Lord, story about, 50 ; anecdote 
 
 of, 96. 
 " Heroes of Erin, two," 71. 
 " He that hath made us," 70. 
 Hicks, the barrister, stories of, 85. 
 High Life below Stairs, quoted, 46. 
 Hill, Rowland, anecdotes of, 192, 193. 
 Hoby, the bootmaker, stories of, 255, 256. 
 " Hog is not bacon," 83. 
 Holland, First Lord, anecdotes of, 41, 180. 
 Holland, Lady, quoted, 7, etpass.; referred 
 
 to, 37 ; Talleyrand ou, 228. 
 Holland, Lord, Talleyi-and on, 228. 
 Holmes, anecdote of, 185. 
 Holmes, the hamster, mot by, 104. 
 Holt, Lord, anecdote of, 103. 
 " Hoo did Pharaoh dee?" 218. 
 Hood, Sir Frederick, story of, 184. 
 Hood, Thomas, mots by, il9, 120. 
 Hook, Theodore, anecdotes of, 19-27; cited, 
 
 211, 212. 
 Horace cited, 54. 
 Houghton, Lord, cited, 18 ; his Monographs 
 
 quoted, 52, 53. 
 House of Commons, Lord Maynard on, 51, 
 Howley, Archbishop, story of, 198. 
 ' ' Humbly conceive, I," 103. 
 Hume, Joseph, Plunket's mot on, 67, 68. 
 Hunt, Leigh, anecdote of, 122. 
 " Hurly-burly's done, when the," 150. 
 " Husband living, the," 102. 
 Hutton's Life of Bagehot quoted, 147. 
 
 " I doubt," 109. 
 
 " Ignoramus for self and fellows," 55. 
 
 •' Industry shall be my bread," 136. 
 
 "Insurrection of the blacks," 142. 
 
 " Intellect improperly exposed," 8. 
 
 Ireland, Lords Lieutenant of, anecdot<3S of, 
 
 225, 226. 
 Irish anecdotes, 221-226. 
 Irving, Henry, quoted, 165. 
 Irving, Washington, mx>t by, 138. 
 "Itch in the Temple of Fame, an," 144. 
 
 Jeaffreson, J. C, his Booh about Lawyers 
 
 quoted, 36, et passim. 
 Jeffrey, Lord, on the North Pole, 17. 
 Jeffreys, Maynard's retort upon, 94. 
 Jekjdl, anecdotes of, 34-37. 
 ■Jerdan, his Memoirs quoted, 48, et passim; 
 
 sayings by, 139. 
 
 Jerrold, Douglas, referred to, 140 ; mot$ by, 
 
 142-147. 
 Jesse, J. H., referred to, 141. 
 " Jewly taken up," 47. 
 
 Job Wall and Mary Best, Hick's lines on, 85. 
 Johnson, Lady, anecdote of, 213. 
 Johnson, Dr, stories of, 131 ; quoted, 156 ; 
 
 Foote on, 157. 
 "Jure inariti," 107. 
 
 Kean, the actor, referred to, 84 ; cited, 174. 
 
 " Keep up the breed, to," 38. 
 
 Keller, Jeremiah, stories- of, 88, 89. 
 
 KeUy, Hugh, Foote on, 157. 
 
 Kemble, Charles, cited, 175, 222. 
 
 Kemble, Fanny, her Records of a Girlhood 
 
 quoted, 17, et passim. 
 Kemble, John, stories of, 154, 167. 
 Kemble, Mrs, cited, 138, 258. 
 Kenny, the playwright, viot by, IGO ; cited, 
 j 135. 
 Kenyon, the Judge, referred to, 34, 36, 37 : 
 
 Lord Thurlow on, 76 ; Lord Elleuborough 
 
 on, 80, 82. 
 King, the actor, story of, 161, 
 " Knight bachelor or knight errant,' 128. 
 Knowles, Sheridan, anecdotes of, 126, 127. 
 Knyvett, the composer, story of, 244. 
 Konig, story of, 251. 
 Krasinski, Count, anecdote of, 242. 
 
 " Lad that louses the cravats," 219. 
 
 Lady of Lyons, The, referred to, 50. 
 
 Lamartine, Sydney Smith on, 13. 
 
 Lamb, Charles, sayings by, 132-136. 
 
 " Lamb-pun him, I'U," 134. 
 
 Landseer, Rogers on, 118. 
 
 Lanigan, Bishop, story of, 199. 
 
 Lasso, Luttrell on the, 32. 
 
 " Last chapter of Samuel," 120. 
 
 Lauderdale, Lord, Sheridan ou, 123. 
 
 Lawyers, anecdotes of, 54-112. 
 
 " Lawyers are just," 109. 
 
 Lawyers, Robert Smith on, 84. 
 
 " Leaning to mercy," 92. 
 
 Lennox, Lord Wm., his Recollections quoted, 
 
 19, et passim; mot by, 48, 49. 
 L'Estrange quoted, 94. 
 Lewis, M. G., Sheridan on, 124 ; lines bj% 
 
 149 ; story about, 208. 
 " Libertas sub rege pio," 85. 
 " Licentia omnes deteriores sumus," 83. 
 " Lieutenant in the Navy, a," 256. 
 " Light and shade, immense breadth of," 13. 
 Lindsay, Lady Charlotte, mots by, 52, 53. 
 Linley, Rev. Ozias, cited, 124 ; anecdotes of, 
 
 194, 195. 
 Linley, Wm., anecdotes of, 150-152. 
 Listen, the actor, story of, 161. 
 Literary men, anecdotes of, 113-153. 
 " Little dale " and *' great dale," 100. 
 " Little of its age," 157. 
 Liverjwol, a mayor of, 251. 
 "Locke on the Human Understanding," 84, 
 
 196. 
 
INDEX. 
 
 273 
 
 Locke^, Frederick, ^his Patchwork quoted, 37, 
 
 et pa?Bim. 
 Lockhart's Life of Scott quoted, 100. 
 " Lord Young and Mr Essex," 1(53. 
 "Losing tallow," 57. 
 L6t and Salter, Hick's lines on, 86. 
 Louis XVIII., Talleyrand on, 226. 
 Luttrell, Henry, anecdotes of, 31-33 ; cited, 
 
 2^1. 
 Lyne, Con., Plunket on, 68. 
 L;fsaght, the barrister, anecdotes of, 85, S3. 
 
 '• Macadamnable," 53. 
 
 Macaulay, Lord, Sydney Snath on, 16; quoted, 
 84 ; anecdotes of, 136, 137. 
 
 MacCulloch, J. R., mot by, 138. 
 
 Macdonald, Chief-Baron, pun by, 99. 
 
 Mackay, Charles, his Forty Years' Recollec- 
 tions quoted, 146, et pass. 
 
 Mackintosh, Sir James, Dr Parr on, 131 ; mot 
 by, 184. 
 
 Macklin, Charles, Foote on, 158. 
 
 Macmillan's Magazine quoted, 100. 
 
 Macnally, the barrister, Curran on, 61 ; Par- 
 sons on, 87. 
 
 Maltby, anecdote of, 204. 
 
 "Malum in se," 66. 
 
 " Man reads, the," 220. 
 
 Mansell, Bishop, ei:)igram on, 198. 
 
 Mansfield, Lord, anecdotes of, 91, 92. 
 
 "Man's mother, a," 147. 
 
 Marcet, Mrs, cited, 18. 
 
 Maret, Talleyrand on, 232. 
 
 Marie Antoinette, story of, 237 
 
 Marie Louise, the Empress, story of, 237. 
 
 Marseillaise, The, Boyle Roche on, 80. 
 
 Martineau, Harriet, Macaulay on, 137. 
 
 Mathews, Charles, anecdote of, 163, 164 ; re- 
 ferred to, 259. 
 
 Mathews, Charles James, his Life cited, 37. 
 
 " May die," 205. 
 
 Maynard, Lord, on the House of Commons, 
 51. 
 
 Maynard, Lord Chancellor, sayings of, 94, 95. 
 
 Meadows, Sir Wm. , lines by, 209. 
 
 "Mediocre," Jerrold on, 145. 
 
 Melbourne, Lord, Sydney Smith on, 18; stories 
 of, 187. 
 
 Mendelssohn, anecdote of, 245. 
 
 " Mens conscia recti," 252. 
 
 Methuen, Sir Paul, retort of, 51. 
 
 Middleton, Lord, his mot on Gunter, 48. 
 
 Milton quoted, 135. 
 
 Mirabeau, Maury on, 235. 
 
 Missing, the barrister, story about, 112. 
 
 " Miss-souri and Miss-sisippi," 141. 
 
 Mitford, Miss, quoted, 39. 
 
 "Mitre Court," 108. 
 
 " Mob of gentlemen," 134. 
 
 " Mole ruit sua," 149. 
 
 Moncrietf, Sir Henry, anecdote of, 198. 
 
 Monkeys, Luttrell on, 33. 
 
 Montague, Basil, mot by, 150. 
 
 Montague, Henry, pun by, 161. 
 
 Montrond, Count, Talleyrand on, 227 ; mots 
 by, 223, 233. 
 
 Moore, Thomas, his Diary quoted, 13, et 
 
 passim, Rogers' mx}t on, 117. 
 More, Sir Thomas, mat of, 83. 
 Morgan, Lady, alluded to, 46. 
 Mother-of-Pearl, Hook on, 21. 
 " Murdering the tune," 154. 
 " Murder of the Innocents, the," 133. 
 Murray, John, Hook on, 22. 
 "Mutes, not liquids," 108. 
 
 " Namesake, T. P. Cooke," 127. 
 
 Napoleon, Talleyrand on, 232. 
 
 " Nation of Soldiers, a," 43. 
 
 "Naturally so stupid," 81. 
 
 "Necessity," Peel on, 188. 
 
 " Ne plus ultra," 72. 
 
 " Ne quid nigh Miss," 206. 
 
 Newbury and Bibury, 200. 
 
 New Zealand, Bishop of, Sydney Smith's ad- 
 vice to, 15. 
 
 Nightingale, Mr, story of, 250. 
 
 " Nimtrum intelligit unus," 54. 
 
 " Nine and one are ten," 159. 
 
 Nisbett, Mrs, the actress, referred to, 166. 
 
 " Nobody's son," 39 
 
 " No issue to try," 62. 
 
 " No laughing matter," 123. 
 
 Norbury, Ld. , Curran's mot on, 60 ; anecdote 
 of, 78, 79, 182. 
 
 North, Dudley, mx)ts by, 47, 48. 
 
 North, Lord, anecdotes of, 178, 179. 
 
 Northington, Lord, anecdote of, 101. 
 
 " Nothing in it," 56. 
 
 " No understanding between them," 73. 
 
 " Observation has caught fire," 13. 
 
 O'Connell, Daniel, mots and epigrams by, 182. 
 
 O'Connell, Luttrell on, 32. 
 
 O'Connell, Morgan, mot by, 222. 
 
 O'Connell, Phil., mot by, 104. 
 
 O'Connor, Feargus, Sir Robert Peel on, 188. 
 
 O'Farrell, Garrat, story of, 98. 
 
 O'Flannagan, J. R., his IHsh Bar quoted, 
 66, et pojssim. 
 
 " Oft up the tide of time," 153. 
 
 Ogle, Dean, alluded to, 29. 
 
 O'Grady, Chief-Baron, anecdotes of, 89, 90. 
 
 "Oh, Damas,''174. 
 
 "Old Bags," 74. 
 
 O'Leary, Father, mot by, 202. 
 
 " Omne nemus resonat," 71. 
 
 " Once removed," 15. 
 
 " One fool makes many," 134. 
 
 O'Neil, Miss, Lord Byron on, 120. 
 
 " Only spoon left," 111. 
 
 Onslow, Thomas, Lord Cranley, epigram on, 
 50, 51. 
 
 " Open to that objection," 70. 
 
 Orange, Prince of, and Ld. Chancellor May- 
 nard, 95. 
 
 Orton, Arthur, lines on, 248. 
 
 Osborne, Mr Bernal, cited, 28, referred to, 
 188. 
 
 Owen, Professor, referred to, 37. 
 
 " Oyer sans terminer, 112. 
 
274 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 " Pain and Fuss," 134. 
 
 Paine, Tom, lines by, 148. 
 
 Paley, Archdeacon, stories of, 194. 
 
 Palmerston, Ld., stories of, 188. 
 
 Park, Judge, Erskine's lines on, 64. 
 
 Parr, Dr, stories of, 131, 132. 
 
 " Parson's Green," 129. 
 
 Parsons, the barrister, sayings by, 87. 
 
 " Paul, Paul, why persecutest thou me ? " 
 
 190. 
 Payne, Lady, Erskine's compliment to, 64 ; 
 
 yheridan's lines for, 125. 
 Peake, the dramatist, stories of, 130.' 
 Peel, Sir Robert, anecdotes of, 188. 
 "Penman Moore," 67. 
 " Pepper-caster," 78. 
 •' Pere la Chaise," 233. 
 " Perfection to the pea," 7. 
 Phillips, his Life of Curran, quoted, 54, et 
 
 passim. 
 " Philip to the appetite," 122. 
 " Pint between four of us, a," 27. 
 Piron's retort on Voltaire, 235. 
 Pitt, Sheridan on, 125. 
 " Poor horse has cut his throat," 164. 
 Planche, J. R., his Recollections quoted, 22, 
 
 et passim ; Douglas Jerrold's mot on, 142. 
 Plumer, the barrister, Erskine's lines on, 
 
 65. 
 Plunket, the barrister, anecdotes of, 66-69. 
 Polish refugees, James Smith on, 140. 
 Pollock, Sir Frederick, sayings of, 93. 
 Poole, the dramatist, stories of, 128, 
 " Pope of Rome, the," 216. 
 Pond, Bishop, referred to, 67. 
 Ponsonby, Mr SelwjTi on, 42. 
 Porson, Richard, anecdotes of, 202, 203. 
 " Portati mi il mio Cloaca Maxima," 44. 
 Posterity, Boyle Roche on, 79. 
 Powell, Justice, story of, 86, 87. 
 Power, the actor. Hood's viot on, 120 ; story 
 
 of, 168. 
 Powys, Sir Lyttleton, referred to, 102. 
 Prettyman, Bishop, referred to, 202. 
 Prince Consort, the, and his children, 260. 
 Procter, B. W., quoted, 133. See Cornwall. 
 " Pro re nata," 89. 
 " Putting things, way of," 8. 
 
 "Quicunque vult," 204. 
 
 "Quid rides." 55. 
 
 Quin, the actor, stories of, 159. 
 
 " Rabbits hot," 201. 
 
 Raikes, Thomas, his Diary quoted, 30, et 
 
 passim ; satirized by D'Orsay, 37. 
 Ramsaj-, Dean, quoted, 220. 
 " Redeunt spectacula," 32. 
 Rees, the publisher, Sydney Smith on, 13. 
 Reeve, Jack, Hook on, 23. 
 " Relache," 210. 
 Renaud, Mrs, story of, 168. 
 " Rent in arrear," 97. 
 " Reserved the point," 106. 
 " Returnable into this court," 78. 
 Reynolds, J. Hamilton, stories of, 14S. 
 
 Richardson, Lord, Chief-Justice, saying by, 
 94. 
 
 Richelieu, Fenelon's retort upon, 234. 
 
 Richmond, the Dowager-Duchess, story of, 45. 
 
 Ritson, the antiquary, alluded to, 12. 
 
 " Roake or Varty?" 122. 
 
 Robinson, Archdeacon, Sir George Ross on, 
 108. 
 
 Robinson, Crabb, his Diary quoted; 15, et 
 passim. 
 
 Robinson, Sir Thomas, Chesterfield's lines on, 
 40. 
 
 Roche, Sir Boyle, Curran's mots on, 56 ; anec- 
 dotes of, 79, 80 ; 183, 181. 
 
 Rochester, Earl of, story of, 190. 
 
 Rogers, Samuel, his Tabk Talk quoted, 15, et 
 passim; cited, 22, et pass..- his epigram on 
 Lord Dudley, 30 ; Lord Dudley on, 30, 118; 
 mots by, 117-119. 
 
 Rolle, Lord, on his wife's parsimony, 43, 44. 
 
 Roman Catholicism, Winnington, 49. 
 
 Ross, Lord de, anecdote concerning, 46. 
 
 Ross, Sir George, anecdotes of, 106-110. 
 
 Rossini, anecdotes of, 244, 245. 
 
 Routh, Dr, stories of, 207. 
 
 " Ruat Coelum," 34. 
 
 Rulhieres, Talleyrand on, 228. 
 
 Russell, Lord John, Sydney Smith on, 8 : re- 
 fesrred to, 12 ; quoted, 121 ; on Barnett, 189. 
 
 Salms, Princess of, Curran on, 192, 
 
 Sandwich, Lord, Selwyn on, 40. 
 
 Saunders and Otley, 250. 
 
 Sam-in, the lawyer, O'Connell on, 182. 
 
 Scholars, stories of, S02-207. 
 
 "Scilicet," 107. 
 
 Scotch anecdotes, 213-221. 
 
 Scott. Sir Walter, cited, 96, 97 ; quoted, 211. 
 
 Selwjm, George, anecdotes of, 40-43. 
 
 Serjeants-at-law, Jekyll on, 36. 
 
 Servants, stories about, 262-265. 
 
 " Service at the house," 106. 
 
 " Shade over, a," 23. 
 
 " Shake - Speare," 78. 
 
 Sharpe, Luttrell on, 31. 
 
 " Sharper than a serpent's tooth," 171. 
 
 " Sheep's head for ever," 145. 
 
 Shell, the barrister, story of, 105. 
 
 Shelbume, Lord, anecdote of, 179. 
 
 Sheridan, R. B., mote by, 123-126 ; referred to, 
 
 149, 199. 
 Sheridan, Thomas, story of, 261. 
 "Shikspur," 46. 
 " Shoot the gintleman," 221. 
 '' Shot a bookseller," 116. 
 Sinclair, Archdeacon, his Old Tiines quoted, 
 
 29, et passim. 
 Sinclair, Sir John, alluded to, 66. 
 " Sit in my bones," 10. 
 Sketfington, Sir Lumley, his "Sleeping 
 
 Beauty," 39. 
 " Sleeping Beauty," Skeffington's, 39. 
 Smith, Horace, sayings by, 142. 
 Smith, James, alluded to, 22 ; anecdotes of. 
 
 and epigrams by, 139-141. 
 Smith, O., the actor, alluded to, 127. 
 
INDEX. 
 
 275 
 
 Smith, Robert, referred to, 34 ; sayings by, 
 
 84 ; Talleyrand on, 230. 
 Smith, Sydney, anecdotes of, 8-19 ; cited 27, 
 
 et passim. 
 Snow, Joseph, wot by, 138. 
 Society, Men of, anecdotes of, 7-53. 
 Socinians, Sydney Smith on, 8. 
 " Softest part about him," 56. 
 Soldiers and sailors, stories of, 209-212. 
 Somerville, Mrs, her Autobiography quoted, 
 
 217. 
 " Sound divine, a," 203. 
 " Sovereignty of the people, the," 42. 
 " Spelt with a K," 93. 
 " Splendid Shilling, the," 185. 
 " Spoil your conversation," 110. 
 Spoleto, Marquis, story of, 241. 
 Stael, Madame de, Talleyrand on, 227, 231, mot 
 
 by, 239. 
 Statesmen and politicians, anecdotes of, 178- 
 
 191. 
 " Steady eye, a," 199. 
 " Steps for the Muses," 129. 
 "Stick a few principles into him," 13. 
 St Ledger, Curran's mot on, 57. 
 Stone, Phil, story of, 175. 
 Stowell, Lord, Lord Eldon on, 73 ; on Lord 
 
 Eldon, 73. 
 " Striking beauty, a," 39, 
 Sussex, Duke of, saying by, 49. 
 "Sweetest pear I know," 108. 
 
 " Take him for half and half," 138. 
 
 "Take himself off," 158. 
 
 Talleyrand, anecdotes of, 226-232; mot on, 
 
 236 ; epigram on, 239. 
 Talfourd, P'rank, saying by, 130. 
 Talfourd, Serjeant, referred to, 130. 
 Tallow candles, Jekyll on, 35. 
 Talma, the actor, story of, 168. 
 Teignmouth, Lord, his Reminiscences quoted, 
 
 43, et passim. 
 *' Tender maid, a," 36. 
 Tennyson, Alfred, anecdote about, 207. 
 Terry, the attorney, Erskine's epigram on, 
 
 63. 
 Thackeray, anecdotes of, 137, 138. 
 Thames Tunnel, Hood on, 120. 
 " That's yoiir own !" 202. 
 Theatre, The, cited, 176. 
 " Theodoric," 139. 
 
 " Theophilus," Roger's lines on, 117. 
 Thesiger, Sir Frederick, pun by, 99. See 
 
 Chelmsford. 
 Thiers, Talleyrand on, 232. 
 " Thing called gripes," 121. 
 " Thousand pounds lighter, a," 193. 
 " Three Colonels," 182. 
 " Three words to a drunkard," 21. 
 'Uurlow, Lord, anecdotes of, 75-77. 
 .'ierney, mot by, 185. 
 fillotson, Archbishop, story of, 198. 
 •'Timber to timber," 193. 
 " To let "—".Unfurnished," 125. 
 Tooke, Home, jokes by, 186. 
 " Took ye for my ain wife," 96. 
 
 Torrens' Life of Melbourne cited, 187. 
 Townshend, Lady, mots by, 44. 
 Townshend, Lord, anecdote of, 181. 
 " Traverse absque hock," 70. 
 Tree, Miss Maria, referred to, 168. 
 Trevelyan's Life ofMacaulay quoted, 116, 136, 
 
 137. 
 Trevor, Sir John, mot about, 1C6. 
 " Tried before," 143. 
 " Trunk before him, carries his," 65. 
 " Trusty and well-beloved cousin, our," 40. 
 " Turpissimus," 35. 
 
 Tweeddale, Marchioness of, anecdote of, 46. 
 Twiss, Horace, mot by, 90, 91. 
 
 " Under the shade of melancholy boughs," 
 
 148. 
 "Unremitting kindness," 146. 
 " Upright Judge, an," 94. 
 
 Veiled Prophet, the, parody on, 254, 
 
 " Verify citations," 207. 
 
 " Vingt-un " and " Loo," 23 ; " Vingt-un 
 
 overdrawn," 24. 
 Viscontina, The, Chesterfield on, 39. 
 Voltaire, Charles Lamb on, 135 ; Piron's 
 
 retort on, 235. 
 
 " "Waist for common," 62. 
 
 Wakefield, Gilbert, Person on, 203. 
 
 Walpole, Edward, mot by, 249. 
 
 Walpole, Horace, quoted, 39, et passim; mot 
 
 by, 44. 
 " Wants hanging," 147. 
 " Wapping sinners," 193. 
 " Warburton on Shakespeare," 155. 
 " "Weather or no," 26. 
 
 "Westmoreland, Ld., his peculiar French, 51. 
 "Wharton, Duke of, anecdote of, 190. 
 Whately, Archbishop, mots and jokes by, 196 
 
 197 ; cited, 251. 
 " "What he hit is history," 119. 
 "Whewell, Professor, story about, 256. 
 White, Blanco, referred to, 9. 
 White, Lydia, mot by, 149. 
 Whitfield, Lady Townsend on, 44. 
 "Who wrote it? "46. 
 
 Wilberforce, Bishop, Sir F. Pollock on, 03. 
 Wilde, Serjeant, cited, 152, 
 Wilkes, John, story of, 183. 
 William IV. alluded to, 39 ; witticism by, 
 
 49. 
 Williams, Judge, story of, 101. 
 Williams, Philip, anecdote of, 97. 
 " Wind had the worst of it," 89. 
 Windham, Wm., referred to, 205. 
 Winnington, mot by, 48. 
 " Withdraw my countenance," 125. 
 Woffington, Peg, referred to, 159. 
 "Wooden walls of Ireland, the," 52. 
 Wordsworth, epitaph on, 149. 
 Wraxall, Sir Nathaniel, his Memoirs quoted, 
 
 47, et passim. 
 Wright, Rev. W„ story of, 199. 
 " Write for antiquity, I'll," 134. 
 
276 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Yates, the actor, anecdote of, 159. 
 Yelverton, Barry. See Avonmore. 
 York, Duke of, Sheridan on, 123. 
 York, the Duchess of, rmi by, 45. 
 Yorke, Charles, 125. 
 Yorke, Philip, anecdote of, 102. 
 
 Young, Charles Mayne, anecdotes of, 28, 62, 
 
 163 ; cited, 241. 
 Young. Rev. J. C, his Biary and La&t Leaves 
 
 quoted, 19, tt passim. 
 Young, the poet, cited, 179. 
 " Youth protects you, your," 38. 
 
 Note.— In part of this edition, "Oxford," in the footnote on page 44, is a misprint for 
 "Orford;" and on page 95, "Maywood" should be read "Maynard." 
 
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