im- H'f ^nmmi-:- h''\->'-^ OF THE university! \ THE TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE BEING A SELECTION FROM THE WITTY AND HUMOROUS SAYINGS OF THE LAST HUNDRED YEARS. €J)tteb toith £ioiZ!5 anb Inixolncixon BY W. DAVENPOET ^ADAMS, AUTHOR OF THE "DICTIONARY OF ENGLISH LITERATURE," ETC EDINBUEGH: THE EDINBURGH PUBLISHING COMPANY. LONDON: SIMPKIN, MARSHALL, & CO. 1881. VMGZG A4- PREFACE. rpHE present collection of Anecdotes differs from its predecessors in -^ several particulars. To begin with, it is strictly a Treasury of Modem Anecdote. It does not profess to dish up for the delectation of present-day readers stories which have been familiar to them all their lives, and which are, in fact, the commonplaces of ordinary conversation. There is a certain sprinkling of old favourites, — of time-honoured tales which no one likes to see omitted from any collection, however fresh it be in aim and character. But these are anecdotes of the perennial kind, — anecdotes which, the m ore they are known the better they are liked — which are so excellent in themselves that they never pall upon the taste. For the most part, however, the Anecdotes in this collection are emphatically modem, — modem in so far that they are drawn from modem sources, and refer to modern people. They do not, for the most part, go farther back ihnn. Walpole's "Letters," and they come down as far as the latest stc pies and reminiscences, such as those of Crabb Eobinson and J. R. PI lanche. It has seemed to the editor and to the publishers that the pi iblic is tired of the old stories that generally do duty in such collec- tio ns, and that it is ready to welcome a work which shall put before it thf i cream of the spoken wit and humour of the last hundred years. Again : the Anecdotes in this volume are, as far as can possibly be as( jertained, authentic. The object of the editor and publishers has be en to avoid as much as possible the old indefinite stories about " a ( ivi542053 PREFACE. lawj^er," or " a doctor," or " a certain judge," and to confine this work chiefly to anecdotes for which some authority can be given, and which can be attributed with reasonable safety to particular individuals. It is not pretended that every authority given in this book is the ultimate or original authority, but an endeavour has honestly been made, in the majority of cases, to get at the origin of the anecdote, and to be sure that the witty and humorous saying quoted has been ascribed to the proper per- son. It is possible that, in this way, certain of our readers may notice the absence of pet anecdotes which have been attributed to different persons, and which, in the absence of sufficient evidence for identifica- tion, have been deliberately omitted from this volume. On the other hand, they will find many anecdotes apportioned for the first time to the individuals with whom they are actually connected. They will find the stories not only modern, but authentic. Another feature of the work is the classification to which the Anec- dotes have been subjected, those on "Men of Letters," or "Men of Society," or " Lawyers," or '" Actors," and so on, having been grouped together on a plan which will be appreciated by the reader. Further than this, the Anecdotes relating to particular individuals have been brought together and carefully arranged after a system which, it is hoped, will be equally useful and agreeable. Where anecdotes have been fathered upon more than one individual on equally good authority, mention has been made of the fact; and notes have been appended in those cases where additional explanations appeared necessary. A full index has also been added. i W. D. A. INTRODUCTION. rpHE entertaining nature of a Book of Anecdotes will be freely con- ceded. It will be acknowledged that, for whiling away a dull afternoon or a spare half-hour, few things more suitable could be de- vised. It is at once amusing and fragmentary; and whilst its inherent fun excites the fancy and relieves the mind, the brevity of the matter allows it to be taken up again and again without any weariness being felt. A photograph album, we all know, is sometimes made to do duty on these occasions, but the superiority of a Book of Anecdotes will readily be allowed. The former palls upon the taste jaded by pictures of people either unknown, or else too familiarly known ; whilst an anecdote, even if old, is, if good, perennially new, and, if it is wholly new as well as good, it is welcomed as a " thing of beauty," and mentally recorded as a "joy for ever." A Book of Anecdotes has, however, a further ground of superiority over most other forms of parlour amusement. It is as useful as it is entertaining. A poor observer is he who regards a good authentic anecdote as being entertaining merely. To be sure, the first duty of an anecdote is to amuse, but this is by no means all it does. A witty or a humorous saying is not only interesting in itself ; it is interesting in reference to the circumstances that called it forth, and to the man who uttered it. It may shed light upon the character or the life of that man, and it may, by so doing, illustrate the history of the world. It enlightens for us not only individual character, but human nature. 2 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE, Elaborate histories are all very well, and profound essaj^'s are all very well ; but if you want to get at the heart of a man, a woman, a people, or an event, is not a thoroughly authentic anecdote much more to the point '\ Does it not tell more, in the compass of a half-a-dozen lines or sentences, than the history in so many chapters, or the essay in so many pages or paragraphs ? An anecdote is valuable' in two ways — in relation to the individual as a member of a class, and in relation to the individual as an individual. In the present volume, the anecdotes are so arranged that they may be regarded from both points of view — the men of society being grouped together, and the men of letters, and so on. Unfortunately, this classi- fication does not altogether satisfy; as, for example, in the case of Sydney Smith, who was at once a man of society, a man of letters, and a clergyman; of Sheridan, who was a man of society, a man of letters, and a politician; of Theodore Hook, who was a man of society and a jour- nalist ; of Jekyll, who was a man of society and a barrister. In sucli cases, we have endeavoured to determine in which of these characters each of those we have named was most a wit or a humorist, and have ranged him accordingly under the heading to which he seemed most obviously to belong. The final decision was of the less importance that very few of the best wits and humorists were distinctly " shoppy " in their sayings. Unquestionably, however, there is a wit and there is a humour which pertains specially to special classes and professions, and the peculiar manner of which is very clearly discernible. There is a light- ness and flippancy about society talk which cannot but be reflected in the recorded anecdotes of the men who frequented society. There is a sort of frivolity and vapidity, for example, about the witticisms of Luttrell and of Jekyll, of Selwyn, D'Orsay, and Alvanley, which at once stamp them as the production of members of the " fashionable " world. It is noticeable, again, in the jokes narrated of famous men of letters, that their wit and humour is decidedly tinctured by the nature of their ocoupation. They deal largely in quotations, and in literary allusions INTRODUCTION. generally; their repartees have an immistakeable flavour of the study and the desk. With lawyers there is just that quickness and that recklessness of retort which you would naturally expect from men whose chief stock- in-trade has so often been their readiness and unscrupulousness of wit. The sayings of academic humorists have an obviously academic tinge; the epigrams of a Parr, a Porson, and a Davidson, are the evident product of the scholarly life. And so mth doctors and divines, with statesmen and with politicians, with business men, with tradesmen, and with women generally : there is a peculiarity, or rather a class character, about the anecdotes narrated of them, which, though not always obtru- sive and easy of detection, is nevertheless observable by the attentive reader. A man is very much what his surroundings make him, and according to the atmosphere in which he lives will be the general nature of his outcome. We say "the general nature," because, when all is said and done, class training and class association are not everything. If wits and humorists can be divided into classes, they can be still further sub- divided according to their personal idiosyncrasy. Take the men of society, for example. The distinctive peculiarity, of Sydney Smith was the exuberant character of his humour, — the enormous amount of fun which his ever-working fancy was able to accumulate round whatever subject he took up. Here was a humorist in the true sense of the term, who, hitting on a comical idea, dwelt upon it and expanded it until it was scarcely capable of any further expansion at his hands or at anybody else's. In Hook, again, we have a wit pure and simple, whose distinctive peculiarity consisted in rapidity and pungency of repartee, — generally in the way of pun, often in the way of felicitous quotation. This was very much the case with Luttrell and with Jekyll. Alvanley was more particularly a type of the young nobleman of fashion, whose wit was to a great extent impertinence tempered by urbanity. Selwyn's wit, again, was that of an originally morbid fancy modified by the pressure of society. Lord Dudley's was almost wholly part and 4 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. parcel of his iincoiniiion personality, though we cannot help thinking that much of his absent-mindedness was pur^Dosely assumed, for the sake of the results which it produced. Among men of letters, again, we have the biting sarcasm of Jerrold and the humorous bonhomie of Charles Lamb. Both were slaves of the pen ; yet how different were their modes of thought, how distinct their manner of expression ! There is, in the same way, quite a different flavour about the bons mots of a Sheridan and those of, say, a Thackeray. The former are delightfully brilliant and laughs able ; in the latter there is always something more than the mere wit or humour in which they are enshrined. Equally characteristic of the men are the anecdotes recorded of Curran and of Erskine, of Lord Eldon, Lord Norbury, and the old Scotch judges who have been so graphically de- scribed to us by Cockburn. You can tell a Curran saying directly you hear it or see it ; it is hardly necessary for jt to be authenticated ; it bears the head-mark of the author. So, too, with Lord Eldon, whose sayings are almost as individual as those of the great lexicographer him- self. Among actors, one at once thinks of the admirably and prolifically witty Foote, whom no one could ever take at a disadvantage. Among divines, one thinks at once of Whately — surely the most epigrammatic of all clerics, past and present. Among foreigners, again, who but recalls to mind the numerous and pungent sayings of a Talleyrand — the French Douglas Jerrold, with even more than the neatness of his British proto- type, — the wit, par excellence, of France, unless you think he is run close by Chamfort and by Rivarol. It is not necessary, however, to run through the whole list of wits and humorists. It is sufficiently clear that if there is a certain family likeness among the anecdotes of certain classes, there is also a large measure of individuality in the stories related about particular persons. Those persons are members of classes, we confess ; but they are nevertheless themselves. Neither they nor their wit and humour are wholly absorbed in the various categories with which they are connected. Hitherto we have had to do with the wit and humour of classes and INTRODUCTION. of individuals. A word or two may be said about the wit and humour of particular nationalities. That there are decided distinctions between these is universally noticeable and admitted. A German is all humour, and very ponderous with it all ; a Frenchman is all wit, and as light and lively as the life he lives. The one is typified in Jean Paul, the other in Voltaire. The wit and humour of Englishmen is more varied and less easily characterized. Every one, on the other hand, knows how pawky is the ordinary Scotchman, how sly the ordinary Irishman, — the Sawny in the one case being as familiar and unperish- able as is the Pat' in the other. These national distinctions have always been instituted ; and though you meet with Scotchmen who are not pawky, and Irishmen who are not sly, still the descriptions hold as good now as they ever did. What is so unprofitable about the matter is the abundance of anecdotes founded on these descriptions, and on no other basis. What an amount of slyness is fathered on the Irishman, and what an amount of pawkiness on the Scotchman — neither of them in any way deserved. In like manner, how constantly are the classes of society assailed! What jokes there are about doctors and their patients, about clergymen and their congregations, about lawyers and their clients ! How similar is the point in all, and how dismal is the general effect! This is not the kind of thing which the genuine anecdote lover at all cares about. He does not want this sort of manufactured, traditional material. He wants authentic matter. That is the whole secret of the value and usefulness of anecdotes, — that they should be, as far as possible, genuine and traceable. If they are not that, they are useless. They may excite a careless or an ignorant laugh, but that is all. What is wanted is, that they should be traceable to a source, and that source a genuine one. It is on this principle that the present Collection has been compiled, and it is hoped that it will, on this account, appeal powerfully to the taste and judgment of the true connoisseur of anecdote. Here, at any rate, is pabulum not only for amusement but for use; here TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. is matter provocative not only of entertainment, but of insight into the characters of individuals, of classes, and of society and the world in general. A word or two, finally, as to the sources of Modern Anecdote. These are chiefly to he found in the autobiographies, diaries, and reminiscences of the last hundred years. Of course the biography of that period is prolific in material, and in material of a thoroughly trustworthy and useful character. Still, the autobiographer and diarist is the most trustworthy and useful of all chroniclers, because he generally relates what he has heard with his own ears, and not merely what has come through an indefinite number of channels. Thus, whilst we have not neglected the vaxious Lives of the most noted wits and humorists of recent times, we have drawn particularly upon such books as Walpole's Coirespondence, Miss Berry's Diary, Eaikes's Diary, Moore's Diary, Gronow's Reminiscences, Greville's Diary, Crabb Robinson's Diary, and to come farther down, J. C. Young's Diary, J. R. Planche's Recollections, and a hundred others, whose names will be found duly recorded in the work — all or most of them professing to record things at first hand, and affording the best available proofs of authenticity. In works such as these the reader will find more to enlighten him on the subject of the men, women, and manners of the last century than he will discover in any essay or history extant. W. D. A. TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. About Men of Society. A EASH YOUNG MAN. LADY HOLLAND'S biography of her father, Sydney Smith, i naturally teems with anecdotes in illustration of his exuberant humorousness. From these we select a few of the most characteristic. For example : — Some one mentioned that a young Scotchman was about to marry an Irish widow, double his age, and of considerable dimensions. "Going to marry her!" exclaimed Sydney Smith, bursting out laughing. " Going to marry her ! Impossible ! You mean a part of her. He could not marry her all himself. It would be a case, not of bigamy, but of trigamy. The neighbourhood or the magistrates should interfere. There is enough of her to furnish wives for a whole parish. One man marry her! It is monstrous. You might people a colony with her ; or give an assembly with her ; or perhaps take your morning's walk round her, always provided there were frequent resting-places, and you were in rude health. I once was rash enough to try walking round her before breakfast, but only got half-way, and gave it up exhausted. Or you might read the Riot Act and disperse her; in short, you might do anything but marry her." A CHARMING COMPLIMENT. Again: on examining some new flowers in a garden, a beautiful girl, who was one of the party, exclaimed to the Canon, " Oh, Mr Sydney, this pea will never come to perfection." "Permit me, then," said he, gently taking her hand, and walking towards the plant, "to lead perfection to the pea." ^ Canon of St Paul's; preacher and essayist; 6. 1771, d. 1845. TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. THE KAKED TRUTH. An argument arose (writes Lady Holland) in which my father observed how many of the most eminent men of the world had been diminutive in person ; and after naming several among the ancients, he added, " Why look, there is Jeffrey; and there is my little friend [Lord John Russell], who has not body enough to cover his mind decently with — his intellect is improperly exposed." JUST AS SOOK. , Writes Lady Holland again : — We were all assembled to look at a turtle that had been sent to the house of a friend, when a child of the party stooped down, and began eagerly stroking the head of the turtle. "Why are you doing that, B ?" said my father. "Oh, to please the turtle." "Why, child, you might as well stroke the dome of St Paul's to please the Dean and Chapter. " POACHING AND SOCINIANISM. Some one naming a certain person as not very orthodox, "Oh," said Sydney Smith, ' ' accuse a man of being a Socinian, and it is all over with him ; for the country gentlemen all think it has something to do with poaching," HIS WAY OE PUTTING IT. Sydney Smith proposed that Government should pay the Catholic priests of Ireland. "They would not take it," said a Dr Doyle. "Do you mean to say," said the Canon, "that if every priest in Ireland received to-morrow morning a post letter with a hundred pounds, first quarter of their year's income, that they would refuse it?" "Ah, Mr Smith," said Dr Doyle, "you've such a way of putting things ! " THAT IS THE QUESTION. A Mr P said to Sydney Smith, ' ' I always write best vrith an aman- uensis." "Oh! but are you quite sure that he puts down wliat you dictate, my dear P ?" ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. THE ONLY TRUE ONES. Mrs Marcet one day expressed to Sydney Smith her admiration of a ham of his. ''Oh," said he, "our hams are the only true hams; yours are Shems and Japhets." AN INFALLIBLE REMEDY. Mrs Marcet, complaining to Sydney Smith that she could not sleep : "I can furnish you," he said, "with a perfect soporific. I have published two volumes of sermons ; take them to bed with you. I recommended them once to Blanco White,^ and before the third page he was fast asleep." ''PROVIDED." We were on a visit (says Lady Holland) to Bishopthorpe;^ our father had recently preached a visitation sermon, in which, amongst other things, he had recommended the clergy not to devote too much time to shooting and hunting. The archbishop, who rode beautifully in his youth, and knew full well my father's deficiences in that respect, said, smiling and evidently much amused : "I hear, Mr Smith, you do not approve of much riding for the clergy." "Why, my lord," said my father, bowing with assumed gravity, "perhaps there is not much objection, provided they do not ride too well, and stick out their toes professionally." A LESSON ON HAND-SHAKING. Meeting a j*oung lady, and shaking hands with her — " I must," said Sydney Smith, "give you a lesson in shaking hands, I see. There is nothing more characteristic than shakes of the hand. I have classified them. Lister, when he was here, illustrated some of them. Ask Mrs Sydney to show you his sketches of them when you go in. There is the high official, — the body erect, and a rapid short shake, near the chin. There is the mortmain, — the flat hand introduced into your palm, and hardly conscious of its contiguity. The digital, — one finger held out, much used by the high clergy. There is the shaJcus rusticus, where your hand is seized in an iron grasp, betokening rude health, warm heart, and distance from the metropolis ; but producing a strong sense of relief on your part when you find your hand released, and your fingers unbroken. The next to this is the retentive shake, — one which, beginning with vigour, pauses as it were to take breath, but without relinquishing its prey, and before you are aware begins again, till you feel anxious as to the result, and have no shake left in you. There are other varieties, but this is enough for one lesson." 1 Author of a famous sonuet on "Night," 2 Residence of the Archbishop of York. lo TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. SHUT UP. One day, during a visit to the Archbishop of York, a Mr M , a Catholic gentleman, was looking out of the window of the room in which he and Sydney- Smith were sitting. "Ah! I see," said the worthy Canon, laughing, "you think you will get out, but you are quite mistaken ; this is the wing where the Archbishop shuts up the Catholics; the other wing is full of Dissenters." A BISHOP FLIRTING. Some one (says Lady Holland) asked if a certain bishop was going to marry. "Perhaps he may," said my father; "yet how can a bishop marry? How can lie flirt? The most he can say is, * I will see you in the vestry after service.'" AN ETERNAL FRIENDSHIP. Most London dinners (writes Sydney Smith) evaporate in whispers to one's next-door neighbour. I make it a rule never to speak a word to mine, but fire across the table, though I broke it once when I heard a lady who sat next me, in a low, sweet voice, say, " No gravy, sir." I had never seen her before, but I turned suddenly round and said, ' ' Madam, I have been looking for a person who disliked gravy all my lifej let us swear eternal friendship." She looked astonished, but took the oath, and what is better, kept it. AN AMERICAN FUNCTIONARY. An American once said to Sydney Smith, "You are so funny, Mr Smith; -do you know you remind me of our great joker, Dr Chamberlayne ? " " I am much honoured," replied the Canon, "but I was not aware you had such a functionary in the United States." AN EXTREME PROCEEDING. Nothing (writes Sydney Smith) amuses me more than to observe the utter want of perception of a joke in some minds. Mrs Jackson called the other day, and spoke of the oppressive heat of last week. " Heat, ma'am !" I said ; "it was so dreadful here, that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones." " Take off your flesh and sit in your hones, sir ! Oh, Mr Smith ! how could you do that ? " she exclaimed, with the greatest gravity. "Nothing more easy, ma'am; come and see next time." But she ordered her carriage, and evidently thought it a very unorthodox proceeding. ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. NOT AT ALL SENTIMENTAL. A lady once asked Sydney Smith for a motto for her dog Spot. He pro- posed, "Out, damned Spot!"^ but, strange to say (he says), she did not think it sentimental enough. AN AWKWARD POSITION. Sydney Smith records the following : — The oddest instance of absence of mind happened to me once in forgetting my own name. I knocked at a door in London; asked, '' Is Mr B at home?" " Yes, sir; pray what name shall I say?" I looked in the man's face astonished; — what name? what name? Ay, that was the question ; what is my name ? I believe the man thought me mad ; but it is literally true, that, during the space of two or three minutes, I had no more idea who I was than if I had never existed. I did not know if I was a Dissenter or a layman. I felt as dull as Stemhold and Hopkins.^ At last, to my great relief, it flashed across me that I was Sydney Smith. HE SAW IT AT LAST. A joke (says Sydney Smith) goes a great way in the country. I have known one last pretty well for seven 3'ears, I remember making a joke after a meeting of the clergy in Yorkshire, where there was a Rev. Mr Buckle, who never spoke when I gave his health, saying that he was a buckle without a tongue. Most persons within hearing laughed, but my next-door neighbour sat unmoved and sunk in thought. At last, a quarter of an hour after we had all done, he suddenly nudged me, exclaiming, " I see now what you meant, Mr Smith; you meant a joke." " Yes, sir," I said, " I believe I did." Upon which he began laughing so heartily that I thought he would choke, and was obliged to pat him on the back. A FEARFUL PASSION. A certain young lady, walking one day round the grounds at Combe House, exclaimed : " Oh, why do you chain up that fine Newfoundland dog, Mr Smith ?" " Because it has a passion for breakfasting on parish boys." " Parish boys?" she exclaimed, "does he really eat boys, Mr Smith?" "Yes, he devours them, buttons and all." Her face of horror (says the Canon) made me die of laughing. 1 Machcfh, act V. scene i. 2 Authors of the " poetical" version of The Psi 12 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. AN ACCURATE MEASUREMENT. Sydney Smith used to say : — I got into dreadful disgrace with Sir G[eorge] B[eauinont]^ who, standing before a picture at Bowood, exclaimed, turning to me, " Immense breadth of light and shade ! " I innocently said, '' Yes ; about an inch and a half." He gave me a look that ought to have killed me. BREAD FROM SAWDUST. Talking (says Moore) ^ of the bread they were then (1833) about to make from sawdust, Sydney Smith said people would soon have sprigs coming out of them. Young ladies, in dressing for a ball would say, "Mamma, I'm begin- ning to sprout." SEVERE ! Moore writes: — In talking of the fun he had had in the early times of the Edinhurgh Review, Sydney Smith mentioned an article on Ritson,^ which he and Brougham had written together ; and one instance of their joint com- position which he gave me was as follows: — "We take for granted (Avrote Brougham) that Mr Ritson supposed Providence to have had some share in producing him — though for what inscrutable purposes (added Sydney) we pro- fess ourselves unable to conjecture." A MAXIM. Lord John [Russell] mentioned to-day (writes Moore) that Sydney Smith told him he had had an intention once of writing a book of maxims, but never got further than the following: — "That generally towards the age of forty, women get tired of being virtuous, and men of being honest." AN AWKWARD UNDERSTANDING. Sydney Smith said of some one: — He has no command over his under- standing ; it is always getting between his legs and tripping him up. VERY MERCURIAL. Moore records in his Diary on one occasion : — Sydney Smith very comical about the remedy that Lady [Holland] is going to use for the bookworm, which is making great ravages in the library. She is about to have them washed 1 The Sir George Beaumont to wliom Wordsworth addressed an Epistle (ISll). 2 In his Diary, published in 1S52-6 by Lord John Russell. 3 Joseph Ritson, the antiquary. ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 13 by some mercurial preparation; and Smith says it is Davy's^ opinion that the air will become charged with mercury, and that the whole family will be salivated. " I shall see Allen, "^ says Smith, "with his tongue hanging out, speechless, and shall take the opportunity to stick a few principles into him. " A TRUE DISSENTER. On another occasion Moore says : — Called with [Smith] at Newton's to see my picture, [when he] said in his gravest manner to Newton, '' Couldn't you contrive to throw into his face a stronger expression of hostility to the church establishment?" REES AND RES. Moore writes again : — Sydney, at dinner, and after, in full force . . . des- scribing a dinner at Longman's; Rees^ carving — plerumque secat res. A LARGE CLERGYMAN. Yet another entry by Moore : — Company at the Longmans. . . . Came away earlyish. The road up to Longman's being rather awkward, we [Moore and Sydney Smith] had desired the hackney coachman to wait for us at the bottom. "It would never do, ' ' said S. , " when your memoirs came to be written, to have it said, ' He went out to dine at the house of the respectable pub- lishers, Longman & Co. , and, being overturned on his way back, was crushed to death by a large clergyman. ' " LAMARTINE. Moore again : — S. Smith amusing before dinner. His magnanimity, as he called it, in avowing that he had never before heard of Lamartine (of whom Miss Berry* and I were speaking). " Was it another name for the famous blacking man?" "Yes." "Oh, then, he's Martin here, La-Martine in France, and Martin Luther in Germany." CATCHING FIRE. Moore once more : — Breakfasted at Rogers's : [Sydney] Smith full of comi- cality and fancy. ... In talking of the stories about dram-drinkers catching iire, pursued the idea in every possible shape. The inconvenience of a man coming too near the candle when he was speaking : * ' Sir, your observation 1 Sir Humphrey Davy. 3 One of the firm of Longman & Co. 2 A contributor to the Edinburgh Review. * The well-known diarist aucl woman of fashion. TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. has canglit fire." Then imagined a i^arsou breaking out into a blaze in the pulpit ; the engines called to put him out ; no water to be had, the man at the water works being an Unitarian or an Atheist. A FAT OLD CROW. Sydney [Smith] at breakfast (writes Moore) actually made me cry with laughing. ... In talking of the intelligence and concert which birds have among each other, cranes and crows, &c,, showing that they must have some means of communicating thoughts, he said, " I daresay they make the same remark of us. That fat old crow there (meaning himself), what a prodigious noise he is making ! I have no doubt he has some power of communicating," &c., &c. After pursuing this idea comically for some time, he added, ' ' But we have the advantage of them ; they can't put us into pies as we do them; legs sticking up out of the crust," &c., &c. A TEA TEST. In talking of the remarkable fact that women in general bear pain much better than men, I said (remarks Moore) that, allowing everything that could be claimed for the superior patience and self-command of women, still the main solution of their enduring pain better than men was their having less physical sensibility. This theory of mine was immediately exclaimed against . . . as disparaging, ungenerous, unfounded, &c., &c. I offered to put it to the test by bringing in a hot tea-pot, which I would answer for the ladies of the party being able to hold for a much longer period than the men. This set Sydney [Smith] off most comically, upon my cruelty to the female part of the creation, and the practice I had in such experiments. ' ' He has been all his life," he said, "trying the sex with hot tea-pots; the burning ploughshare was nothing to it. I think I hear his terrific tone in a tete-a-tete, ' Bring a tea-pot.'" A SAUCY SUGGESTION. R. H. Barliam^ writes in his diary : — Dined with Smith. He told me of the motto he had proposed for Bishop Burgess's arms, in allusion to his brother, the well-known fish-sauce projector : — " Gravi jamdudum saucia cura ! " 1 Author of the Ingoldsby Legends. His Diary is included in his Life by his sou (1870). ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 15: COUSINS. The following quaint answer (says Barham) was returned by Sydney Smith to an invitation to dinner: — " Dear Longman, I can't accept your invitation, for my house is full of country cousins. I wish they were once removed. — Yours, Sydney Smith." ADVICE TO A BISHOP. Barham has recorded the advice which Sydney Smith is said to have given to the Bishop of New Zealand prior to his departure ; — recommending him to have regard to the minor as well as the more important duties of his station — to be given to hospitality — and, in order to meet the tastes of his native guests, never to be without a smoked little boy in the bacon rack, and a cold clergyman on the sideboard; " and as for yourself, my lord," he con- cluded, "all I can say is, that when your new parishioners do eat you, I sincerely hope you will disagree with them." AS A CUCUMBER. At a certain party at which Sydney Smith was present, one of the company (says Barham) having said that he was about to "drop in" at Lady Blessing- ton's, a young gentleman, a perfect stranger to him, said, with the most "gallant modesty," — "Oh, then, you can take me with you; I want very much to know her; you can introduce me." AVhile the other was standing aghast at the impudence of the proposal, and muttering something about being but a slight acquaintance himself, and not knowing very well how he could take such a liberty, &c., Sydney Smith observed, "Pray oblige our young friend; you can do it easily enough by introducing him in a capacity very desirable at this close season of the year. Say you are bringing with you the cool of the evening. " NOT AT ALL. At one time (says Rogers),^ when I gave a dinner, I used to have candles placed all round the dining-room, and high up, in order to show off the pictures. I asked Sydney Smith how he liked the plan. "Not at all," he replied; "above there is a blaze of light, and below, nothing but darkness and gnashing of teeth. " 1 In his Table, Talk, published by Dyce in 1856. i6 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. JUST SO. Rogers says that when Sydney Smith's physicians advised him to take a walk upon an empty stomach, he asked, "Upon whose?" PROOF POSITIVE. The same authority declares that Sydney Smith said: — "The Bishop of — is so like Judas, that I now firmly believe in the Apostolical Succession." NOT TALKING FAIR. Sydney Smith, an enormous talker, complains (writes Lord Cockburn^) of Macaulay never letting him get in a word. Smith once said to him, " Now, Macaulay, when I am gone you'll be sorry that you never heard me speak. " * A TREAT. On another occasion (says Lord Cockbum) Smith said that he had found Macaulay in bed from illness, and that he was therefore more agreeable than he had ever seen him. "There were some glorious flashes of silence." AUDI ALTERAM PARTEM. Bishop Bloomfield had accepted an invitation to dinner at a house where Sydney Smith was also to be present. The non-arrival of his lordship (says Mark Boyd 3) delayed the dinner, when at last a note reached the host to say that the bishop, as he was entering London House, had been bitten by a dog, so that he must be excused. The note was read to the assembled guests, when the Dean remarked that he should very much like to hear the dog's account of the affair.* ONE FOR THE BISHOP AND CO. When the question of putting down wooden pavement around St Paul's was first mooted, the Bishoj) [Bloomfield] summoned the authorities of the cathedral to meet him. Sydney Smith (says Boyd) arrived early; but when some little impatience was expressed at the non-arrival of the prelate and other dignitaries, the worthy Dean remarked that, as the question of blockheads had to be discussed, they had no other course left to them than to wait. 1 In the Memorials of his Time. 2 Smith is described by Ladj- Holland as saj'ing, " Oh yes, we both talk a great deal, but I don't believe Macaulay ever did hear my voice. Sometimes, when I have told a good story, I have thought to myself, ' Poor Macaulay ! he will be very sorry some day to have missed hearing that.'" 3 In his Reminiscences. 4 This reminds us of a passage in Goldsmith's "Elegy on the Death of a Mad Dog"— " The dog it was that died." ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 17 DISPERSING A DUCHESS. Lady Chatterton^ says of Sydney Smith on one occasion: — He seemed to suffer extremely from the heat, and said he should go to no more evening parties, for the night before he had seriously meditated sending for the police to disperse the Duchess of A . * ' She was standing in a doorway, " he added, "and it was impossible to get my own large person through. Heigho ! how convenient it would be if one could sit in one's skeleton in this kind of weather." BEWARE ! The same lady writes of Sydney Smith in loco : — He said that he called yesterday on Lady S , who was getting some new furniture, and he told her to beware of modern furniture, for that when he went a day or two before to visit some friends whose house was just newly furnished, he bad three chairs killed un^er him before he left the house. A DOUBLE CALENDAR. Fanny Kemble says^ that when Miss Callender, afterwards Mrs Sheridan, published a novel, the hero of which commits forgery, — that wicked wit, Sydney Smith, said he knew she was a Callender, but did not know till then that she was a Newgate Calendar. ALMOST INCREDIBLE. Greville^ writes in his diary : — Dined with Moore. . , . He told a good story of Sydney Smith and Leslie the professor. Leslie had written upon the North Pole ; something he had said had been attacked in the Edinburgh Review in a way that displeased him. He called on Jeffrey just as he was getting on horse- back, and in a great hurry Leslie began with a grave complaint on the subject, which Jeffrey interrupted with, '* damn the North Pole! " Leslie went off in high dudgeon, and soon after met Sydney, who, seeing him disturbed, asked what was the matter. He told him what he had been to Jeffrey about, and that he had in a very unpleasant way said, "Damn the North Pole." "It was very bad," said Sydney; "but, do you know, I am not surprised at it, for I have heard him speak very disrespectfully of The Equator."^ 1 See her Life, by her husband. 2 in her Records of a Girlhood. 3 Charles Greville, for many years clerk to the Privy Council. 4 This story is told by Lady Holland also. See her Memoirs of her father, where Leslie's name, however, is not given. B 1 8 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. A GOOD REPROOF. According to Lord Houghton, Sydney Smith once checked the old-fashioned freedom of speech in Lord Melbourne, by suggesting that they should assume everybody and everything to be damned, and come to the subject. A TREASURE. Mrs Marcet writes thus in Lady Holland's Life of Sydney Smith : — I was coming downstairs [one] morning when Mr Smith suddenly said to Bunch [the name of one of his servants], who was passing, — " Bunch, do you like roast duck or boiled chicken?" Bunch had probably never tasted either the one or the other in her life, but answered, without a moment's hesitation, " Roast duck, please, sir," and disappeared. I laughed. "You may laugh," said he, "but you have no idea of the labour it has cost me to give her that decision of character. The Yorkshire peasantry are the quickest and shrewdest in the world, but you can never get a direct answer from them; if you ask them even their own names, they always scratch their heads and say, ' A's sur ai don't knaw, sir ;' but I have brought Bunch to such perfection, that she never hesitates now on any subject, however difficult. I am very strict with her. Would you like to hear her repeat her crimes? She has them by heart, and repeats them every day." " Come here, Bunch ! " calling out to her, " come and repeat your crimes to Mrs Marcet ;" and Bunch, a clean, fair, squat, tidy little girl about ten or twelve years of age, quite as a matter of course, as grave as a judge, without the least hesitation, and with a loud voice, began to repeat — ** Plate-snatching, gravy-spilling, door-slamming, blue-bottle fly-catching, and curtsey -bobbing." "Explain to Mrs Marcet what blue-bottle fly-catching is." " Standing with my mouth open and not attending, sir." " And what is curtsey- bobbing?'* " Curtseying to the centre of the earth, please, sir." "Good girl! now you may go. She makes a capital waiter, I assure you; on state occasions Jack Robinson, my carpenter, takes off his apron and waits too, and does pretty well, but he sometimes naturally makes a mistake, and sticks a gimlet into the bread instead of a fork." A RENCONTRE. A gentleman named Anderson went to dine with a Dr Hall on one occasion. The doctor was dressing when Anderson arrived. In the drawing-room he found a gentleman waiting, with whom he at once entered into conversation, under the idea that he was familiar with Brighton; but he soon undeceived him. "'No, I never was in Brighton till to-day; but nevertheless, I have made acquaintance with a great local power." " Who may that be ? " asked Anderson. ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 19 *' Who he is, I know not ; but I am certain uihM lie is. It is tliat distinguished functionary, the Master of the Ceremonies. It could be no one else. It was a gentleman attired point device, walking down the parade like Agag, ' delicately. ' He pointed out his toes like a dancing-master, but carried his head high, like a potentate. As he passed the stand of flies he nodded approval, as if he owned them all. As he approached the little goat-carriages, he looked askance over the edge of his starched neckcloth, and blandly smiled encourage- ment. Sure that, in following him, I was treading in the steps of greatness, I went on to the pier, and there I was confirmed in my conviction of his eminence; for I observed him look first over the right side and then over the left, with an expression of serene satisfaction spreading over his countenance, which said as plainly as if he had spoken to the sea aloud, * That is right. You are low-tide at present; but, never mind, in a couple of hours I shall make you high-tide again.'" At that instant (says J. C. Young^) Hall entered and begged to introduce to James Anderson the "Rev. Sydney Smith." A PUNNING SERIES. Lord William Lennox, ^ writing of Theodore Hook, 3 says: — I once drove with him to Epsom. During the whole journey he kept up a regular running fire of pun, anecdote, and improviso. " ^Hawes, surgeon,'" said he; "that reminds me of two lines I made on a saw-bones of that name, during the severe frost of 1814 :— ' Perpetual freezings and perpetual thaws, Though had for hips, are good for Hawes.' " As we reached Vauxhall Bridge, I remarked, '* I wonder if this bridge pays ?" " Go over it, and you will be tolled, " was the reply. ' ' So, " said he, addressing the gatekeeper, who was very hoarse, '*you haven't recovered your voice yet." " No, sir," the man answered, " I've caught afresh cold." " But why did you catch afresh one ? "Why didn't you have it cured ?" On we went, from subject to subject, from pun to pun. The sign of the " Three Ravens" sug- gested the reflection, "The owner must be ravin' mad." Soon afterwards, we discerned a party of labourers employed in sinking a well. "What are you about?" inquired Hook. "Boring for water, sir," replied a gaping clod. «' Water's a bore at any time. Besides, you are quite wrong; remember the old proverb, ' Leave well alone. ' " " Did you see in the paper this morning that the Exeter Theatre is burnt down?" I asked, "Oh, yes, quite dramatic — Enter a fire. Exit a theatre." 1 See J. C. Young's Diary, published with that of his father, Charles Mayne Young. 2 The author of several volumes of Recollections. 8 Journalist and novelist; 6. 1788, d. 1841. 20 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. SOMEBODY. Lord "William Lennox records a number of anecdotes about Hook. He says in one place : — One day Hook observed a pompous gentleman walking in very grand style along the Strand. Instantly leaving his companion, he went up to him and said, '* I beg your pardon, sir; but may I ask, are you any one in particular?" bowing respectfully, and passing on before the astonished magnifico could collect himself to give a practical or other answer to the query. ^ NOT ONE. Again :— One evening at Brighton, when Hook sat down to the pianoforte, he was given, as a subject, King William IV. " The king ? That won't do ; he's no suljecty'^ was his ready response. A GOOD REASON. ''You're master of this house, I think," said Hook, as he drove up to a rural inn door. "I am, sir," responded Boniface. "I thought so," con- tinued Hook, "for your wife's been dead these six months." MAKING A BUTT OF HIM. A young gentleman was asked to sing at a party where Hook was, but he assured the company that he could not sing, and added, that they only wished to make a butt of him. " Oh, no," said the wit, " all we want is to get a stave out of you." VERY LIKE. Two silly brothers, who were very much about town in Hook's time, took pains by dressing alike to deceive their friends as to their identity. Some one was expatiating upon these modern Dromios, at which Hook grew impatient. "Well," said his friend, "we will admit that they resemble each other wonderfully. They are as like as two peas." "They are," retorted Theodore, " and quite as green. " QUITE RIGHT. An illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door, " Bear sold here. " " Quite right," said Hook; "he means to apprise us that the article is his own Bruin.''' 1 J. C. Young has a more elaborate version of this story. ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 21 A POWERFUL LIQUID. An advertisement of Gowland's Lotion gave Hook an opportunity of saying, " I wonder they don't wash Mount Etna with it, in the hopes of preventing an eruption. " "ON, STANLEY, ON!" "You know everything," said Cannon;^ "what's going on?" "I am, responded Hook, suiting the action to the word. BREAD AND WINE. Lord William Lennox and Hook once stopped to lunch at Epsom, when the landlord produced an excellent bottle of old port. "There's food and drink in this wine," exclaimed Hook. The landlord looked surprised. " Port wine, with a crust." A GUESS. An intimate friend of W. H. Harrison's" told him of a dinner at John Murray's (the elder), when Sir David Brewster gave some account relating to the prismatic colours of mother-of-pearl. " Mither of pari!" said Hogg, the poet; "Murray, what's mither of pari?" "Oh, I don't know," replied Murray; "there's Hook; he knows everything; ask him." "Well, Hogg," said the novelist, " I don't know, unless it's the Venerable Bede." THREE WORDS. The following anecdote of Theodore Hook was told by John Wilson Croker; — One day, when a large party had assembled previous to dinner at the marin^i residence of the latter, among the guests Avas a pious elderly lady, who was* a perfect specimen of what Sydney Smith terms the "lemon-squeezers of society, who act on you as a wet blanket, see a cloud in sunshine, the nails of a coffin in the ribbons of a bride, extinguish all hope — people whose very look sets your teeth on edge. " For a considerable time this spinster had, by her acid remarks, damped even the spirit of Hook, and had completely, to adopt a vulgar phrase, "shut him up." At length she approached him, and having given a lecture on temperance that would have gladdened the heart of George Cruikshank, drew forth from her pocket a packet of tracts. "Pray accept this," she said; "it is called ' Three Words to a Drunkard.'" " 'Three Words to a Drunkard,'" echoed the author of "Sayings and Doings;" "I see—' Pass the bottle !' " 1 A fashionable clergyman in his day, of whom some anecdotes are recorded elsewhere in this volume. 2 The Reminiscences of this writer were published in the University Magazine. 22 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. CELLAR AND SELLER. Moore writes in his diary : — Rogers told me some amusing tilings, one of which was Theodore Hook's saying to some man, with whom a bibliopolist dined the other day and got extremely drunk, "Why, you appear to me to have emptied your m?ie-cellar into your 5oo^-seller." AN IMPROMPTU. Planche writes^: — I had often met Hook in society without being introduced to him ; but our acquaintance and intimacy dated simultaneously from the evening of a dinner at Horace Twiss's, in Park Place, St James's, ... It was a very merry party. Mr John Murray (the great Murray of Albemarle Street), James Smith, ^ and two or three others, remained till very late in the dining- room, some of us singing and giving recitations. Hook being pressed to sing another of his wonderful extemporary songs, consented, with a declaration that the subject should be John Murray, Murray vehemently objected, and a ludicrous contention took place, during which Hook dodged him round the table, placing chairs in his path, which was sufficiently devious without them, and singing all the while a sort of recitative, of which I remember only the commencement : — " My friend, John Murray, I see, has arrived at the head of the table ; And the wonder is, at this time of night, that John Murray should be able. He's an excellent hand at a dinner, and not a bad one at a lunch ; But the devil of John Murray is, that he never will pass the punch." PARLIAMENTARY. The town (says Lord Albemarle ^) was at one time running after a foreigner who played, or pretended to play, tunes on his chin. . . . The then chairman of "Ways and Means" in the House of Commons was Mr Grant, who, to distinguish him from two other members of the same surname, and from a remarkable protuberance of his lower jaw, was popularly called "Chin Grant." I was present one evening when, in some most amusing verses, Theodore Hook descanted upon what he called the Swiss and Scotch chin- men. Both, he said, had one object in view — the " Ways and Means;" but they differed in the attainment of their end. The foreigner depended solely on the chin, the Scotchman on the eyes and nose (Ayes and Noes). 1 In his Recollections. 2 Co-author, with his brother Horace, of Rejected Addresses and Horace in London. s See hia Fifty Years of My Life. ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 23 A BASHFUL MAN. Westmacott (says Chorley^) told a Hookism at Lady Blessington's worthy of being kept He was at some large party or other where the lady of the house was more than usually coarsely anxious to get him to make sport for her guests. A ring formed round him of people only wanting a word's encourage- ment to burst out into a violent laugh. " Do, Mr Hook ; do favour us !" said the lady for the hundredth time. ** Indeed, madam, I can't; I can't, indeed. I am like that little bird, the canary; can't lay my eggs when any one is looking at me." A BRUTAL JEST. Hook (says the same authority) was dining at Powell's one day, and the talk fell upon/ew Jack Reeve. . . . "Yes," said Theodore, when they were speaking of his funeral; " I was out that day; I met him in his private box, going to the pit." WHERE, INDEED? Apropos of cutlets (said Hook of himself) I once called upon an old lady, who pressed me so urgently to stay and dine with her that, as I had no en- gagement, I could not refuse. On sitting down, the servant uncovered two chops, and my old friend said, "Mr Hook, you see your dinner ?" "Thank you, ma'am," said I ; " but where's yours ?" ^ A SHADE ABOVE. Barham diarizes : — Dined at Sir Andrew Barnard's. . . . Hook made but one pun ; on Walpole's remarking that, of two pictures mentioned, one was "a shade above the other in point of merit," he replied: "I presume you mean to say it was a s?iade over {chef d'ceuvre)." VINGT-UN. Elsewhere Barham says: — Hook spoke in the course of the evening of his two eldest daughters, of whom Mary, the senior, had just turned twenty-one. The name of the second was Louisa, and he designated them accordingly as ' ' Vingt-un ' ' and ' * Loo ! " — - 1 In his Li/e, edited by Hewlett. 2 Recorded by Planch6. 24 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. VINGT-UN AND OVER. Barham again records: — In the course of the evening, Hook, looking at my son, said to me. "How do these fellows make us feel! It was but the other day that chap was standing at my knee, listening to my stories with ears, eyes, and mouth wide open, and now he is a man, I suppose?" "Yes," I said, *' he is three or four-and-twenty." " Ah, I see— Vingt-un overdrawn !" A CHARACTERISTIC STORY. Hook (says Barham) told us an amusing story of his going down to "Wor- cester, to see his brother the Dean, with Henry Higginson (his companion in many of his frolics). They arrived separately at the coach, and taking their places in the inside, opposite to each other, pretended to be strangers. After some time, they begin to hoax their fellow-travellers — the one affecting to see a great many things not to be seen, the other confirming it and admiring them. " What a beautiful house that on the hill !" cried Higginson, when no house was near the spot ; " it must command a most magnificent prospect from the elevation on which it stands." " Why, yes," returned Hook, "the view must be extensive enough, but I cannot think these windows in good taste. To run out bay windows in a Gothic front, in my opinion, ruins the effect of the whole building." "Ah, that is the new proprietor's doings," was the reply; "they were not there when the marquis had possession." Here one of their companions interfered. He had been stretching his neck for some time, in the vain hope of getting a glimpse of the mansion in question, and now asked: "Pray, sir, what house do you mean ? I don't see any house." " That, sii, with the turrets and large bay windows, on the hill," said Hook, with profound gravity, pointing to a thick wood. "Dear me," returned the old gentleman, bobbing about to catch the desired object, "I can't see it for those confounded trees!" The old gentleman, luckily for them, proved an indefatigable asker of questions, and the answers he received, of course, added much to his stock of authentic information. * ' Pray, sir, do you happen to know to whom that house belongs ? " inquired he, pointing to a magnificent mansion and handsome park in the distance. "That, sir," replied Hook, "is Womberly Hall, the seat of Sir Abraham Hume, which he won at billiards from the Bishoj) of Bath and Wells, " " You don't say so !" cried the old gentleman, in pious horror, and taking out his pocket-book begged his informant to repeat the name of the seat, which he readily did ; and it was entered accordingly, the old gentleman shaking his head gravely the while, and bewailing the profligacy of an age in which digni- taries of the Church practised gambling to so alarming an extent. The fre- quency of the remarks, however, made by the associates on objects which the ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 25 eyesight of no one else was good enough to take in, began at length to excite some suspicion ; and Hook's breaking suddenly into a rapturous exclamation at "the magnificent burst of the ocean !" in the midst of an inland country, a Wiltshire farmer, who had been for some time staring alternately at them and the window, thrust out his head, and after reconnoitring for a couple of minutes, drew it in again, and, looking full in the face of the sea-gazer, ex- claimed, with considerable emphasis, "Well, now then, I'm d d if I think you can see the ocean, as you call it, for all you pretends!" and continued very sulky all the rest of the way. MORE MYSTIFICATION. Barham's Diary also yields the following: — Called on Hook. In the course of conversation he gave me an account of his going to Lord Melville's trial with a friend. They went early, and were engaged in conversation when the peers began to enter. At this moment, a country-looking lady, whom he afterwards found to be a resident at Pye, in Sussex, touched his arm, and said, " I beg your pardon, sir, but pray who are those gentlemen in red now coming in?" "Those, ma'am," returned Theodore, "are the barons of England. In these cases the junior peers always come first." "Thank you, sir; much obliged to you, Louisa, my dear (turning to a girl about fourteen), tell Jane (about ten) those are the barons of England, and the juniors — that's the youngest, you know — always goes first. Tell her to be sure and remember that when we get home." "Dear me, ma!" said Louisa, "can that gentleman be one of the youngest ? I am sure he looks very old." Human nature, added Hook, could not stand this. Any one, though with no more mischief in him than a dove, must have been excited to a hoax. * ' And pray, sir," continued the lady, "what gentlemen are these?" pointing to the bishops, who came next in order, in the dress which they wore on state occasions, viz., the rocket and lawn sleeves over their doctor's robes. " Gentlemen, madam ! " said Hook, "these are not gentlemen; these are ladies — elderly ladies — the dowager peeresses in their own right. " The fair enquirer fixed a penetrating glance upon his countenance, saying, as plainly as an eye can say, "Are you quizzing me, or no ? " Not a muscle moved, till at last, tolerably well satisfied with her scrutiny, she turned round and whispered, "Louisa, dear, the gentleman says that these are elderly ladies, and dowager peeresses in their own right. Tell Jane not to forget that." All went smoothly till the speaker of the House of Commons attracted her attention by the rich embroidery of his robes. " Pray, sir," said she, "and who is that fine-looking person opposite?" "That, madam," was the answer, "is Cardinal Wolsey!" "No, sir," cried the ladj'-, drawing herself up, and casting at her informant a look of angry disdain, "we 26 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. knows a little better than that. Cardinal Wolsey has been dead many a good year!" "No such thing, my dear madam, I assure you," replied Hook, with a gravity that must have been almost preternatural; " it has been, I know, so reported in the country, but without the least foundation. In fact, those rascally newspapers will say anything. " The good old gentlewoman appeared thunderstruck, opened her eyes to their full extent, and gasped like a dying carp; vox faucibus hossit. Seizing a daughter. with each hand, she hurried without another word from the spot. WHETHER OR NO. The last time (says Barham, jun.) that Theodore Hook dined at Amen Corner, he was unusually late, and dinner was served before he made his appearance. Mr Barham apologized for having sat down without him, observ- ing that he had quite given him up, and had supposed " that the weather had deterred him." "Oh," replied Hook, "I had determined to come, iveather or no ! " A STINGY HOST. J. C. Young is responsible for the following : — One lovely summer's day [Theodore Hook] was strolling in company with Mr B , in the garden of the Star and Garter at Richmond, when his friend was accosted by two gentle- men, one of whom was a noble lord, equally remarkable for his colossal fortune, occasional munificence, and general parsimony. While the three conversed together, Hook slowly walked aside. The noble peer observing him, asked B who was his friend. "Oh! that is Theodore Hook," was his reply. On hearing the well-known name, my lord exclaimed, "You don't say so ! What good fortune ! He is a man of all others whom I desire to know. Pray introduce me to him." The introduction takes place, and the marquis tells Hook that he and his friend. Lord , are just going to lunch, and if he and B will join them in a partie carree, he shall be delighted. Hook, never insensible to the attractions of the table, and per- suaded, from the high rank and great wealth of the inviter, that he should fare sumptuously, yielded a cordial and gratified acceptance, and adjourned to the apartment occupied by his recent acquaintance. On entering the room the bell is rung, and on the waiter making his appearance, the host takes him aside and gives him certain instructions, about the nature of which the two just invited guests have no doubts. Two additional napkins are laid, two additional chairs are set, two additional wine-glasses grace the board, two pickle-stands — one with red cabbage, the other with pickled onions — take their place in the centre of the table. Hook is rather disconcerted at the sight of ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. merely one small sherry-glass being allotted to each person, but comforts him- self with the reflection that the champagne-glasses will be introduced after a few preliminary glasses of Amontillado. At last the banquet is set, the covers are taken off two willow-pattern dishes, one containing four goodly loin chops, the other four fine mealy potatoes, and a pint decanter of sherry crowns the meal. " "Well," thought Hook, " I am not certain that this simple kind of repast is not the best for lunch, and I like the fashion of having one's chop hot and hot, and a change of wines, instead of being confined to one ! " In a few minutes every knife and fork is laid down, every chop and potato has been despatched, and just as Hook is expecting a fresh relay of wine and viand, to his unutterable disgust his entertainer addresses him in the follow- ing language : — "My dear Mr Hook ! I hope you will forgive me, but I have so very often heard of your marvellous talent, that I am naturally impatient for an exhibition of it. Would you favour us with a song ? " " Oh ! " said the man appealed to, "with pleasure!" To the indescribable astonishment of all present he begins to sing ** God save the King. " As he delivered each line his host looked to his intimate friend for something like sympathy — " What on earth can the man mean by singing us the National Anthem ? " However his motive was soon explained, for on coming to the following lines — " Happy and glorious. Long to reign over us," he thus rendered them, delivering the words as if under the influence of too nnudi liquor — " Happ-y and glo-ri-ous, A pint— between four of us." This, I think (adds Young) was a case of " Chop with Worcester sauce" versus *' Cheek with Fulham sauce.'' SOME ONE TO MEET HIM. Lord Dudley^ (writes Sydney Smith) was one of the most absent men, I think, I ever met in society. One day he met me in the street, and invited me to meet myself. "Dine with me to-day; dine with me, and I will get Sydney Smith to meet you. " I admitted the temptation he held out to me, but said I was engaged to meet him elsewhere. A VILLAIN. Another time (says Sydney Smith of Lord Dudley) on meeting me, he turned back, put his arm through mine, muttering, ' * I don't mind walking with him a little way; I'll walk with him as far as the end of the street." Ab 1 John William Ward, Earl of Dudley, politician; &. 1781, d. 1833. TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. we proceeded together, W passed. " That is the villain," exclaimed he, "** who helped me yesterday to asparagus, and gave me no toast." "HEAR! HEAR!" Yet another story of Lord Dudley, as told by Sydney Smith : — He very nearly upset my gravity once in the pulpit. He was sitting immediately under me, apparently very attentive, when suddenly he took up his stick, as if he had been in the House of Commons, and tapping on the ground with it, •cried out in a low but very audible whisper, ** Hear ! hear ! hear ! " ^ DUDLEY V. WARD. A good deal of talk (says Moore in his Diary) about Lord Dudley : his two voices, squeak and bass, seem, as one has said, "like Lord Dudley conversing Avith Lord Ward." ^ AN ADVANTAGE. Rogers mentioned to Moore a clever thing said by Lord Dudley, on some Vienna lady remarking impudently to him, " What wretchedly bad French you all speak in London!" *'It is true, madam,'' he answered, "we have not enjoyed the advantage of having the French twice in our capital"^ QUANTUM MUTATUS ! Lord Dudley (says Lord Albemarle) was a frequent guest at the Brighton Pavilion. His knowledge of good living led him easily to detect a great falling off in the royal cuisine since the death of George IV. Sitting next King William, he exclaimed in his deep bass, "What a change, to be sure! — cold ^aUs and hot champagne." POLITE. The King and Queen, William and Charlotte, when Duke and Duchess of Clarence, once dined with Lord Dudley, who handed her Eoyal Highness into dinner. Scarcely seated, he began to soliloquise aloud : "What bores these Royalties are ! Ought I to drink wine with her as I would with any other woman ? " and in the same tone continued, " May I have the honour of a glass . 1 Mr Bemal Osborne told the Rev. J. C. Young a very similar story about that clergy- man's father, the actor, Charles Mayne Young ; how, at the close of a preacher's long and eloquent outburst, "the habits of the actor's former life betrayed themselves, and he littered, in a deep under tone, the old familiar ' Bravo ! ' " 2 His lordship's full title was " Earl of Dudley and Ward." 3 See " Tit for Tat" (p. 43). ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 29. of wine with your Eoyal Highness ? ' ' Towards the end of the dinner he asked her again. "With great pleasure, Lord Dudley," she replied, smiling; "but I have had one glass with you already." "The brute! and so she has!" was the rejoinder. This is also told by Lord Albemarle. ONE AT ALL EVENTS. Lord Dudley was introduced at an evening party to Lady N , whom he- was requested to hand down to supper. Her ladyship (says Archdeacon Sinclair) ^ availed herself of the opportunity to present her two daughters, after which ceremony she overheard him, as they went downstairs, muttering to himself in his usual undertone : '* The fair one is plain; the dark one is not amiss; but the fair one is exceedingly plain." " I am glad, my lord," says Lady N , with good-humoured readiness, ' ' that, at all events, the dark- one pleases you. " A BORE. The same authority says that a gentleman from Staffordshire prevailed on Lord Dudley to present him at Court. They got on very well as far as St James Street, where they were stopped nearly half-an-hour by the line of car- riages. His lordship then forgot himself, and, after a long pause, began :. *'Now, this tiresome country squire will be expecting me to ask him to dinner. Shall I ask him, or shall I not? No; I think he would be a bore." The individual so unexpectedly blackballed was at first confounded; but, recollecting his companion's infirmity, commenced in turn an audible soli- loquy: "Now, this tiresome old peer will, of course, be asking me to dine with him to-day. Shall I go, or shall I not go ? No ; I think it would be a bore." This impromptu was well taken; and the invitation was given in earnest, and accepted. ^ SOME KITCHEN GIRL. At a dinner (says Sinclair) given by Lord Wilton, who had one of the best cooks in London, Lord Dudley tasted some dish of which he did not approve, and, forgetting where he was, began apologising to the company for the bad- ness of the entertainment. "The fact is," said he, " that my head cook was taken ill, and some kitchen girl, I suppose, has been employed to dress the dinner." ^ 1 See his OM Times and Distant Places. 2 This story is told more briefly by Moore, and more fully by Gronow, who, however,, somewhat alters the circumstances. * Moore tells something very similar about a certain Dean Ogle. ] 30 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. A VERY PRETTY WOMAN, BUT . Lord Dudley (says Gronow) was once paying a morning visit to the beau- tiful Lady M . He sat an unconscionably long time, and the lady, after giving him some friendly hints, took up her work and tried to make conver- sation. Lord Dudley broke a long fit of silence by muttering, '' A very pretty woman, this Lady M ! She stays a devilish long time — I wish she'd go." He thought Lady M was paying him a visit in his own house. CRUEL. Rogers's well-known epigram on Mr "Ward (afterwards Lord Dudley) — " They say Ward has no heart, hut I deny it; He has a heart, and gets his speeches by it—" was provoked (says Gronow) by a remark made at table by Mr "Ward. On Rogers observing that his carriage had broken down, and that he had been obliged to come in a hackney coach, Mr Ward grumbled out in a very audible whisper, " In a hearse, I should think;" alluding to the poet's corpse- like appearance. This remark Rogers never forgave. QUITE " CHEZ LUI." Lord Dudley, receiving a visit from the poet Rogers at Paris, proposed that they should go together to the Catacombs. It has often been remarked (says Sinclair) that, with his fine bald head, wrinkled skin, and sunk cheeks, he was more liKe a death's head than any man that was ever seen alive. Accord- ingly, when the poet had spent an hour or two in the abodes of mortality, and was about to make his exit, the keeper, startled by his death-like appear- ance, tried to stop him, crying out: " Hulloa! Get you back; you have no right to come out. " Rogers afterwards complained to Lord Dudley that he had cruelly deserted him in this emergency. " My dear Rogers," replied the earl, "I did not like to interfere; you looked so much at home." STILL THEY SAY SO. (says Raikes in his Diary) is a good-natured, was a very good-looking man, not overflowing with intellect, but still far from deserving the sarcastic comment of the late Lord Dudley. It was at a time when poor Dudley's mind was on the wane, when his caustic humour would still find vent through the cloud whicl^ was gradually overshading his masterly intellect; he was sitting in his roopa, unheeding those around him, and soliloquising aloild, as \ ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 31 was so often his custom. His favourite Newfoundland dog was at his side, who seemed to engross the whole of his attention. At length, patting his head, he exclaimed, "Fido mio, they say dogs have no souls. Humph! And still they say has a soul ! " SUBSTANTIAL DAEKNESS. Many of Luttrell's ^ best remarks are to be found recorded in Moore's Diaiy. At one place Moore says: — I was mentioning that some one had said of Sharpe's very dark complexion, that he looked as if the dye of his old trade (liat-making) had got engrained into his face. " Yes," said Luttrell, "dark- ness that may be felt ./"^ CAUSE AND EFFECT. Moore told Luttrell of some one saying Miss 's father and mother were " afraid to let her off the premises." "For fear, I suppose," said Luttrell, " that she should come to the conclusion" AILING. Moore writes in one of the entries in his Diary ^ ^ from the fright of the pony kicking last night. On my saying that I thought the strong beer at Bowood might have something to do with it, Luttrell said, " Yes, he's aZeing, I suppose." ASHES. In talking of a club, of which a certain Ashe was the founder, somebody said that a son of Ashe was at present chairman of it. " Still in its ashes live their wonted fires," said Luttrell. INSTINCT INDEED ! Apropos of some stories of instinct in animals, carrier pigeons, etc.: "I am told," says Luttrell, "a man who buys a flock of Welsh sheep never sees them again; they are all oflf to Carnarvonshire that night." 1 Heury Luttrell, &. 1770, d. 1851 ; author ot Advice to Julia (1820), and other poems, 2 Recorded by Greville also. 32 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. THE REVERSE. Luttrell told a party of friends that, on some one saying to Sir F. Gould,, "I am told you eat three eggs every day at breakfast:"— "No;" answered Gould, "on the contrary." Some of those present asked "what was the contrary of eating three eggs?" "Laying three eggs, I suppose," said Luttrell. CLASSICAL. Another entry in Moore's Diary :— Talked of the dull audience I had the other night at Bowood: told [Luttrell] I was fool enough to fancy at first that Mrs F. was crying, and that I found she was only putting up her hands to settle her spectacles. "Ay," he said, "you thought it was node pluit totd, instead of which it was redeunt spectacula." VERY CATCHING. When Head was describing the use of the lasso in catching men as well as animals, Luttrell said the first syllable of it had caught many a man. A DINER-OUT. Sydney Smith talking of the bad effects of late hours, and saying of some distinguished diner-out, that there would be on his tomb : "He dined late," — "and died early," rejoined Luttrell. FULL STOP. In saying something about O'Connell (I forget what), Luttrell (says Moore) applied the line : "Through all the compass of the notes he ran," and then added, after a pause, " The diapason closing full in Dan." ^ MAKING ROOM. Talking of Lady Holland's crowded dinners, and her bidding people con- stantly "to make room," Luttrell said, "It must certainly be made, for it does not exist." ENGLISH CLIMATE. This was Luttrell's idea of the English climate: — "On a fine day, like looking up a chimney ; on a rainy day, like looking down it." 1 See Dryden's " Song for St Cecilia's Day." ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 33 SPEAKING BY HEART. This was LuttrelFs version of the joke about Lord Dudley's speaking by heart : — ^ " In vain my affections the ladies are seeking, If I give up my heart, there's an end to my speaking." A REMINDER. I think (says Sydney Smith) it was Luttrell who used to say, " 's face always reminded him of boiled butter and near relations. " AS FAR AS POSSIBLE. Sydney Smith also records the following: — " Was not very disagree- able?" "Why, he was as disagreeable as the occasion would permit," Luttrell said. MONKEYS. And this: — Luttrell used to say, "I hate the sight of monkeys; they remind me so of poor relations." MIXING WITH BISHOPS. Luttrell (says Planche) rarely recounted anything he had heard or seen, but charmed you by the sparkle of his language an d the felicity of his epithets. One evening at a party, having accepted a verbal invitation to dinner, under the idea that his son, who was present, would also be asked, and j&nding sub- sequently that he was not, he said, " Then who is going to dine there?" " I really don't know, but I believe the Bishop of for one." " The Bishop of ! " exclaimed Luttrell. " Mercy upon me ! I don't mix well with the Dean, and I shall positively eflfervesce with the Bishop." THE LAST STRAW. On one occasion the late Lady Holland took Luttrell a drive in her car- riage over a rough road, and as she was very nervous, she insisted on being driven at a foot's pace. This ordeal lasted some hours, and when he was at last released, poor Luttrell, perfectly exasperated, rushed into the nearest club-house, and exclaimed, clenching his teeth and hands, "The very funerals passed us ! " 1 See Rogers's epigram on page 30. It was written, he himself admitted, " with some little assistance from Richard Sharp." 34 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. A PEEFERENCE. Some of the best sayings of that famous wit and man of fashion, Jekyll, have been recorded for us by the poet Moore. For example, the latter writes in his Diary : — Bankes's " Civil History of Rome," which I have looked over, but a dull book. Jekyll said the other day to a man who professed to like Bankes's book, ' ' I suppose you would rather have his Rome (room) than his company." HIS RIGHT. Moore writes elsewhere : — Luttrell mentioned a good pun of Jekyll's. Being asked why he no longer spoke to a lawyer of the name of Peat, Jekyll said, ** I choose to give up his acc[ii.aintance ; I have common of Turbary, and have a right to cut Peat." "TO THE GREEKS." Moore is further responsible for this : — Mentioned Jekyll's saying quietly to himself, when some one mentioned that is gone to Greece, **To the Greeks foolishness. " " RUAT CCELUM," &c. In another passage, Moore says : — Bobus (Smith i) gave a new and better reading of Jekyll's joke respecting the day the ceiling fell down during dinner at Lansdowne House ; Jekyll himself having escaped dining there by an engagement to meet the judges. "I had been asked," he said, *'to P\,uat Ccdlum, but dined instead with Fiat Justitia. " TURNING ON THE MUSIC. Again : — Jekyll said that, when the great water works were established at Chelsea, there was a proposal for having there also a great organ, from which families might be supplied with sacred music, according as they wished, by turning the cock oflf or on ; but one objection, he said, was, that upon a thaw occurring after a long frost, you might have "Judas Maccabseus" bursting out at Charing Cross, and there would be no getting him under. TRUE PIETY. Jekyll said that Kenyon ^ died of eating apple pie-crust at breakfast, to save the expense of muffins, and that Lord EUenborough, who succeeded to the Chief-Justiceship in consequence, always bowed with great reverence to apple- pie ; " which," said Jekyll, " we used to call apple pie-ty." 1 Robert Smith, brother of the famous Canon of St Paul's. 2 The judge. ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 35 GOOD FOR SOMETHING. "When it was mentioned that the Russians, during their stay in England, eat up great quantities of tallow candles, Jekyll said that it was a species of food "bad for the liver, hut good for the lights." A CONTRADICTION. Upon hearing that Logier taught thorough-bass in three lessons, Jekyll said it contradicted the old saying, '^ Nemo I'cpente fuit turpissimus. " WHERE THE WISE MEN CAME FROM. I think (says Sydney Smith) it was Jekyll that used to say that '* the fur- ther he went west, the more convinced he felt that the wise men did come from the east."^ "A SHUTTLECOCK." I remember (says Rogers) that when Lady Cork gave a party at which she wore a most enormous plume, Jekyll said, "She was exactly a shuttlecock, — all cotJc and feathers." THE CORK AND THE BOTTLE. The Earl of Albemarle says he remembers meeting, at General Phipps's, George Colman, the author of "Broad Grins;" James Smith, one of the authors of the " Rejected Addresses ; " and Jekyll, oionpareil of the punsters. The only lady in the company was the Dowager Lady Cork. "Mr Colman," said Lady Cork, ' ' you are so agreeable that you shall drink a glass of cham- pagne with me." "Your Ladyship's wishes are laws to me," answered Colman, "but really champagne does not agree with me." Upon which Jekyll called out, "Faith, Colman, you seem more attached to the Cork than the bottle." APPROPRIATE TO THE OCCASION. Crabb Robinson writes : — I heard the other day of Jekyll making the fol- lowing pun. He said, "Erskine^ used to hesitate very much, and could, not speak very well after dinner. I dined with him once at the Fishm'jngers' Company. He made such a sad work of speechifying that I asked him whether it was in honour of the Company that he floundered so. " / 1 Also ascribed to Sergeant Davy. / 2 The orator and wit. See the Chapter on Lawyers. t 36 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. A DIFFERENT MATTER. Lord Eldon writes : — I met Jekyll in the street the day after his retirement [from the office of Master in Chancery] ; when, according to his usual manner, he addressed me in a joke : — "Yesterday, Lord Chancellor, I was your Master ; to-day I am my own master." TIRING. Bored (says JeafFreson ^) with the long-winded speech of a prosy serjeant, Jekyll wrote on a slip of paper, which was in due course passed along the barristers' benches in the court where he was sitting — The Serjeants are a grateful race ; Their dress and language show it ; Their purple garments come from Tyrz, Their arguments go to it. TOO TOUGH. When Garrow (says the same authority) by a more skilful than successful cross-examination, was endeavouring to lure a witness (an unmarried lady of advanced years) into an acknowledgment that payment of certain money in dispute had been tendered, Jekyll threw him this couplet — Garrow, forbear ; that tough old jade WUl never prove a Under maid. 2 ALL LEAN TOGETHER. Again: when Lord Eldon and Sir Arthur Pigott each made a stand in court for his favourite pronunciation of the word "lien," — Lord Eldon calling the word lion, and Sir Arthur maintaining that it was to be pronounced like lean, — Jekyll, with an allusion to the parsimonious arrangements of the Chancellor's kitchen, perpetrated the following jeu d' esprit : — Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, why, what do you mean By saying the Chancellor's lion is lean ? D'ye think that his kitchen's so bad as all that. That nothing within it can ever get fat ? NOTHING TURNED. "Ii'i Lord Kenyon's house," a wit exclaimed, "all the year through there is Lent 'in the kitchen and Passion Week in the parlour." Another caustic 1 In ^ Book about Lawyers. Jekyll, we may remark, was much less of a lawyer than of a man of fashion, and hence his appearance in this chapter. 2 Related also by J. C. Young. It has been attributed to Erskine. ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. n (Quidnunc remarked, "In his Lordship's kitchen the fire is dull, but the spits are always bright." Whereupon Jekyll interposed with an assumption of testiness : "Spits ! in the name of common sense, I order you not to talk about his spits, for nothing turns upon them." WHY NOT? One of Jekyll's best displays of brilliant impudence was perpetrated on a Welsh judge, who was notorious alike for his greed of office and his want of personal cleanliness. ''My dear sir," Jekyll observed, in his most amiable manner, to this most unamiable personage, " You have asked the minister for almost everything else, why don't you ask him for a piece of soap and a nail- brush?" A HINT. Mr Thomas Raikes, who published a diary, was pitted with small-pox even to the tip of his nose. It seems (says Frederick Locker) that he wrote an anonymous and rather offensive letter to Count D'Orsay, and as an additional insult he secured the envelope with a red wafer and stamped it with a thimble. D'Orsay guessed who was the sender, and soon after, happening to meet Raikes, he mildly counselled him thus: "The next time, mon cher, you write anyone an anonymous letter, and would rather not be found out, do not seal it with the tip of your nose. " ^ "ONE GREY HAIR." Count D'Orsay (says J. C. Young) was at a party one night at which Pro- fessor 0[wen] was. The latter crept quietly behind the chair, and plucked a hair from his head, and holding up his spoil in triumph, cried out to the company, "Look, ladies and gentlemen, one grey hair." D'Orsay remained unmoved. Later in the evening, he went behind the grey -haired geologist, twitched out a hair from his head, held it to the candles, and exclaimed, "Ladies, look here. Here is, positively, one black hair." MUCH MORE CONVENIENT. Chorley teUs us in his Diary that he has heard Count D'Orsay^ tell, how, when he was in England for the first time (very young, very handsome, and not abashed), he was placed at some dinner-party next the late Lady Holland. That singular woman chanced that day to be in one of her imperious humours. 1 Also told by Gronow. 2 See Lady Blessington's Life and Letters: also Charles Mathews's Lift. 38 TREA S UR V OF MODERN ANECDO TE. She dropped her napkin; the Count picked it up gallantly; then her fan, then her spoon, then her glass ; and as often her neighbour stooped and restored the lost article. At last, however, the patience of the youth gave way, and on her dropping her napkin again, he turned and called one of the footmen behind him. " Put my convert on the floor," said he ; " I will finish my dinner there ; it will be so much more convenient to my Lady Holland." FOR THE RETURN JOURKEY. Lord Alvanley (says Rogers) on returning home, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the hackney coachman who had driven him out and brought him back. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, "My Lord, I only took you to ." Alvanley interrupted him: **My friend, the guinea is for bringing me back, not for taking me out."^ A PAIR. Some reformer (says Greville) was clamouring for the expulsion of the bishops from the House of Lords, but said he would not have them all go ; he would leave two. *'To keep up the breed, I suppose," said Alvanley.'^ A GOOD PROTECTION". Moore tells what he calls " a good story " of B. Craven and Lord Alvanley, when an accident happened to their carriage. The former, getting out to thrash the footman, saw he was an old fellow, and said, " Your age. protects you;" while Alvanley, who had advanced towards the postillion with the same intention, seeing he was an athletic young fellow, turned from him, say- ing, in his waggish way, ' ' Your youth protects you. " NOT TO BE DONE. At a fSte at Hatfield House, tableaux vivants were among the chief amuse- ments, and scenes from Ivanhoe were among the selections. All the parts were filled up but that of Isaac of York. Lady Salisbury (says Barham) begged Lord Alvanley "to make the set complete by doing the Jew." "Any- thing in my power your Ladyship may command," replied Alvanley, "but though no man in Ei .gland has tried oftener, I never could do a Jew in my life." 1 This story is also told by Raikes in his Diary. 2 "Attributed to Alvanley," says Greville. ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 39 A CYNICAL EEJOINDER. Miss Mitford writes to one of her correspondents : — Our king [William IV.] is tiZ^ra-popular. Have you heard Lord Alvanley's ton mot concerning him ? He was standing at the window at White's, when the king, with a thousand of his loving subjects at his heels, was walking up St James's Street. A friend said to him, *' What are you staring at, Alvanley ?" " I'm waiting to see his Majesty's pockets picked," was the reply. A BAD JUDGE. One of the gay men of the day, named Judge, being incarcerated in the Bench, some one (says Gronow) observed he believed it was the first instance of a Judge reaching the Bench without being previously called to the bar ; to which Alvanley replied, *' Many a bad judge has been, taken from the bench and placed at the bar, " BOUND IN CALF. When Sir Lumley Skeffington, who had been a lion in his day — and whose spectacle, the "Sleeping Beauty," produced at a great expense on the stage, had made him looked up to as deserving all the blandishments of fashion- able life — reappeared some years after his complete downfall and seclusion in the Bench, he fancied that by a very gay external appearance he would re- cover his lost position ; but (says Gronow) he found his old friends very shy of him. Alvanley being asked, on one occasion, who that smart-looking individual was, answered, "It is a second edition of the ' Sleeping Beauty.' bound in calf, richly gilt, and illustrated by many cuts. " FOUR-AND-TWENTY. Lord Chesterfield^ (Walpole tells us) was told that the Viscontina, a vocalist, said she was but four-and- twenty. He answered, " I suppose she means four- and- twenty stone." STRUCK BY HER. Being told of the quarrel in Spitalfields, and even that Mrs F. struck Miss P*, Chesterfield said, " I always thought Mrs F. a striking beauty." ^ A MATCH. It was Lord Chesterfield (records Rogers) who said, on occasion of a certain marriage, that "Nobody's son had married Everybody's daughter." 1 The statesman, and author of Letters to Ms Son, &c.; b. 1694, d. 1773. 2 This is described by Walpole as Chesterfield's " last " bon mot. 40 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. A GOOD DESCRIPTION. According to Rogers, Lord Chesterfield remarked of two persons dancing a minuet, that "they looked as if they were hired to do it, and were doubtful of being paid." A DISTINGUISHED RELATIVE. It is said that Chesterfield was once chosen, or volunteered, to conquer the king's (George 11.) repugnance to an important appointment. On his pro- ducing the commission and mentioning the name, the king angrily refused, and said, "I would rather have the devil." "With all my heart," replied the Earl; "I only beg leave to put your Majesty in mind that the commis- sion is addressed to our right trusty and well beloved cousin." The king laughed, and said, "My Lord, do as you please." BREVITY AND WIT. Sir Thomas Robinson (says M. Dutens), very tall and thin, one day challenged Lord Chesterfield to make some verses on him. Lord Chesterfield wrote immediately — " Unlike my subject now shall be my song, It shall be witty, and it shan't be long." DEPENDS ON THE PART. Walpole writes to a correspondent : — Have you heard [Selwyn's''] incom- parable reply to Lord George Gordon, who asked him if he would choose him again for Luggershall? He replied, "His constituents would not." "Oh, yes, if you would recommend me, they would choose me if I came from the coast of Africa." "That is according to what part of the coast you came from : they would certainly if you came from the Gold Coast." Walpole adds : Now, is not this true inspiration as well as true wit ? Had one asked him in which of the four quarters of the world Guinea is situated, could he have told ? CHEAP DIGNITIES. George Selwyn (says Walpole) said a good thing the other day on cheap dignity. He was asked who was playing at tennis. He replied : "Nobody but three markers and a Regent" — (meaning Lord Sandwich). 1 George Augustus Selwyn, wit and man of fashion, h. 1719 ; d. 1791. See the Life by Jesse. ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 41 A PLEASURE EITHER WAY. George Selwyn, as everybody knows, delighted in seeing executions; he never missed heing in at a death at Tyburn. When Lord Holland (the father of Charles Fox) was confined to bed by a dangerous illness, he was informed by his servant that Mr Selwyn had recently called to inquire for him. *' On his next visit," said Lord Holland, "be sure you let him in, whether I am alive or a corpse ; for, if I am alive, / shall have great pleasure in seeing him; and if I am a corpse, he will have great pleasure in seeing me," The late Lord Holland (says Rogers) told me this. REPARATION. During the period which followed the Rebellion in 1746, Selwyn (says Raikes) had attended the execution of Lord Balmerino at the Tower, and when reproached with cruelty in witnessing the death of one whom he had personally known, he exculpated himself by pleading his foible, and adding, that if he had erred in going to see Lord Balmerino's head cut off, he had afterwards made every reparation in his power, by going the next day to see the head sewn on again, previous to the interment. HOW HE WOULD TAKE IT. Mr Hayward records some of Selwyn's best-known witticisms. For ex- ample : When a subscription was proposed for Fox, and some one was ob- serving that it would require some delicacy, and was wondering how Fox would take it — "Take it ?" said Selwyn ; "'why, quarterly^ to be sure !" FAST, NOT FEAST. Again : when one of the Foxey family crossed the Channel to avoid his creditors, Selwyn said, " It is a^ass over which will not be much relished by the Jews." ABOUT GUMS. When Fox w^s boasting of having prevailed on the French court to give up the gum trade, Selwyn said, "As you have permitted the French to draw your teeth^ they would be fools, indeed, to quarrel with you about your gums." UNDER THE SUN. When Walpole, in allusion to the sameness of the system of politics con- tinued in the reign of George III,, observed, "But there is nothing new under the sun." " No," said Selwyn, "nor under the grandson.^^ 42 TREA SURY OF MODERN A NEC DO TE. A HAILING THE POST. One night at White's, observing the Postmaster-General, Sir Everard Fawkener, losing a large sum of money at piquet, Selwyn, pointing to the successful player, remarked, ' ' See how he is robbing the mail ! " EAISING THE BILLS. On another occasion, in 1766, observing Mr Ponsonby, the Speaker of the Irish House of Commons, tossing about bank-bills at a hazara-table at New- castle, "Look," said Selwyn, "how easily the Speaker passes the mooiey- hills." A GOOD EXCHANGE. The beautiful Lady Coventry was exhibiting to Selwyn a splendid new dress, covered with large silver spangles the size of a shilling, and inquired of him whether he admired her taste — ""Why," he said, "you will be cl for a PRELIMINARIES. A namesake of Charles Fox having been hung at Tyburn, Fox inquired of Selwyn whether he had attended the execution. "No, I make a point of never frequenting rehearsals." A PERMANENT RECOVERY. A fellow-passenger with Selwyn in a coach, imagining from his appearance that he was suffering from illness, kept wearying him with good-natured in- quiries as to the state of his health. At length, to the repeated questions of "How are you now, sir?" Selwyn replied — "Very well, I thank you, and I mean to continue so for the rest of the journey." A GARB OF WOE. Selwyn was one day walking with Lord Pembroke, when they were be- sieged by a number of young chimney-sweepers, who kept plaguing them for money. At length Selwyn made them a low bow : "1 have often heard," he said, "of the sovereignty of the people; I suppose your Highnesses are in court mourning." AT BATH. A gentleman, on being twice cut by Selwyn in London, came up and re- minded him that they had been acquainted in Bath. " I remember it very well ; and, when we next meet at Bath, I shall be happy to be acquainted with you again." ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 43 A SUITABLE APPOINTMENT. On hearing that C (a new man) wanted to be made Earl of Ormond, Selwyn said — " It would be very proper, as no doubt there have been many- Butlers in the family." TIT FOR TAT. The French (says Mr Hayward) have not forgiven, nor are soon likely to. forgive, our neutrality during their worst hour of trial. "To be sure," observed a distinguished Frenchman to an accomplished and ready-witted Englishwoman of rank, "it was foolish in us to hope better things from a nation of shopkeepers." "These popular sayings," was the well-merited retort, "are frequently destitute of any solid foundation; we were in the- habit of calling you a nation of soldiers. " ^ VERY DULL. Apropos (says Fanny Kemble) of poor old Lady Cork's infirmity with regard to the property of others (a well-known incapacity for discriminating between meum, and tuum). It was Lady Cork who had originated the idea that, after all, heaven would perhaps turn out very dull to her when she got there; sitting on damp clouds and singi7ig ^' God save the King," being her idea of the principal amusements there. With reference to Lady Cork's theory, Lady Harriet (D'Orsay) said, " I suppose it would be rather tiresome for her, poor thing ! for you know she hates music, and there would be nothing to steal hut one another's wings. " SETTLED ELSEWHERE. Lord Campbell declared that the Earl of Buchan, elder brother of Thomas- and Henry Erskine, respectively Lord Chancellor of England and Lord Advo- cate of Scotland, might, by his talents, have made a considerable figure in the world, had it not been for his morbid vanity. Observing to the Duchess of Gordon, "We inherit all our cleverness from our mother;" she answered, " I fear that, as is usually the case with the mother's fortune, it has all been^ settled on the younger children." A NIGGARDLY HEIRESS. The first Lady Rolle, a wealthy heiress, exhibited (says Lord Teignmouth) a rare union of munificence and parsimony, endowing almshouses to the- amount of £10,000, and at the same time sparing in trifles. The anecdote- ^ See " An Advantage " (p. 28). 44 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. lias been oft repeated of her husband observing when, proud of her skill as a whip, she boasted she could drive over a sixpence : "No, my dear, you would stop to pick it up.'* A NATURAL MISTAKE. Lady Davy, Sir Humphry's wife, was a brunette of the brunettes. Sydney Smith (says J. C. Young) used to say that she was as brown as dry toast ; and that if she had been in the ark and had descended from it to bathe, the sea would inevitably have been converted from salt water into toast and water. She resided for a considerable time in Rome, and, though well-up in the antiquities and classical localities, never could acquire a decent knowledge of the Italian language. She was always eager to show attentio^^i to her country- Avomen, and became their recognised cicerone. She was about to take a drive •on the Campagna one day with Lady , in an open barouche, habited in a rather flimsy mantle. Finding that the air was much colder than she had expected to find it, she sent for her maid, and telling her to bring her her biggest and warmest cloak, thus expressed herself: ^^ Portati mi il mio Cloaca Maxima." "NOT MUCH." Mr Hayward says he heard Lady Davy, at Mrs Damer's in Tilney Street, tell a story of her riding on a donkey near Naples, when the wind blew so hard as to carry off garment after garment, till, she said, *' I had notliing left but my seai" — which (adds Mr Hayward) was not much. EVERYBODY'S. My Lady Townshend (says Walpole^ in one of his Letters) told me last night that she had seen a new fat player, who looked like everybody's hus- band. I replied, "I could easily believe that, from seeing so many women who looked like everybody's wives." CANTING AND RECANTING. Here (says Walpole) is another hon Tnot of my Lady Townshend. We were talking of the Methodists. Somebody safd, "Pray, madam, is it true that Whitfield has recanted?" "No, sir, he has only canted." 1 Horace, Earl of Oxford, ft. 1717, d. 1797; author of Tlie Castle of Otrunto, &c., &c. See ■his Memoirs, Journals, and Letters. ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 45 A PREFERENCE. At the Polish ball (says Haydon ^) the Lord Mayor said to Lady Douglas, who squints, "Which do you prefer, my lady, Gog or Magog?" "Of the- three" said Lady Douglas, " I prefer your Lordship !" NOT THE MAN, BUT THE ANIMAL. Lord Andover, a very fat man, was greatly plagued at a fancy bazaar to buy some triile or other from the ladies' stalls. At length (says Haydon) he rather rudely said, "I am like the Prodigal Son, persecuted by ladies." "No, no," retorted Mrs , *'say, rather, the fatted calf." HER ACQUAINTANCE. The Duchess of York (1833), in her morning walks at Oatlands, often visited the farmyard, and amused herself (says Raikes) with noticing the different animals and their families, among which was a sow that had lately farrowed some beautiful pigs. A few days afterwards, at dinner, some person asked her if she would eat some roasted pig. Her answer was : '' No, I thank you ;. I never eat my acquaintance." THE CIVIL THING. Raikes writes in his Diary : — The Dowager-Duchess of Richmond is given over. I remember a story of her long ago, which, at the time, was often repeated. She went one Sunday with her daughter to the Chapel Royal at St James's, but being late, they could find no places ; after looking about some time, and seeing the case was hopeless, she said to her daughter, "Come away, Louisa; at any rate, we have done the civil thing." THE REASON WHY. At dinner at Lady Sandwich's, they told (says Raikes) an anecdote of , the Irish barrister, and Lord , to whom the former, complaining that his whiskers had grown quite white, while his hair still remained brown, the other replied, " It is no wonder ; your jaws have been constantly at work for the last thirty years, while your head has remained idle."^ 1 The painter, whose Autobiography and Diary was edited by his son. See Life by Tom Taylor. 2 An old joke. In Delitice Belitiarum (1637) there is an epigram, by Macentimxs, with exactly the same point, thus freely translated in The Spirit of the Public Journals (1806):— Black locks hath Gabriel, beard that's white; The reason, sir, is plain : Gabriel works hard from mom to night. More with his jaw than brain. 46 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. HONOUR AND TRICKS. Lord de Ross's methods of aiding his skill at whist were (says Hayward) only available for one hand in four, — when he dealt. He then contrived to turn an honour by what is called sautcr de coup, and having marked the higher honours with his nail, he could see to whom they fell. During the outburst of scandalous comment which followed his exposure, one of the "bitter fools" of society, who had never been admitted to his intimacy, drawled out at Crockford's : "I would leave my card at his house, but I fear he would mark it." The retort was ready: "That would depend upon whether he regarded it as a high honour." SHE WANTED TO KNOW. Lady Greenwich (says Walpole), in a conversation with Lady Tweeddale, named the Saxons. "The Saxons, my dear !" cried the Marchioness, "who were they ? " — " Lord, madam, did your ladyship never read the History of England?" — "No, my dear; pray, who wrote it?" ^ HISTORICAL. The authoress of "The Wild Irish Girl," Lady Morgan, justly proud of her gifted sister Olivia, was in the habit (says Lord Albemarle) of addressing every new comer with, " I must make you acquainted with my Livy." She once used this form of words to a gentleman who had just been worsted in an encounter of wits with the lady in question. "Yes, ma'am," was the reply; " I happen to know your Livy, and I would to heaven your Livy was Tacitus" THE SUN AND THE SON. Mr Hayward tells the following story: — "Why did you cut me at the morning party at StrawbeiTy Hill?" asked a younger son of a young lady on her preferment. " The s%m was in my eyes, and I did not see you." " Yes, the eldest son.'' MISUNDERSTOOD. " Qu'est ce que c'est que votre ' compound householder,' dontM. Gladstone parle si souvent?" inquired (says Mr Hayward) a foreign lady of distinction. " Madame, c'est le mari de la femme incomprise," was the reply. 1 This is a lit pendant to the maid-servant's exclamation in the play: "Shikspur! Who wrote Shikspur ? " ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 47 A VALU-ABLE VALET. When the news of Colonel Kelly's horrible death became known, ^ all the dandies (says Gronow) were anxious to secure the services of his valet, who possessed the mystery of the inimitable blacking. Brummell lost no time in discovering his place of residence, and asked what wages he required; the servant answered, his late master gave him £150 a-year, but it was not enough for his talents, and he should require £200 ; upon which Brummell said, " Well, if you will make it guineas, / shall be happy to attend upon DULY HONOURED. It happened (says the same authority) that Lord William L., a man of fashion, but, like other of the great men of the day, an issuer of paper money discounted at high rates by the usurers, was thrown off his horse. Mr and Mrs King 2 immediately quitted the carriage, and placed the noble lord within. On this circumstance being mentioned in the clubs, Brummell said it was only *'a Bill Jewly (duly) taken up and honoured." LED CAPTIVE. When (says Haydon) the beautiful Mrs was, one evening, coming out of the House of Lords, said, "She looks like a Babylonish beauty." "Egad," said his friend, "it's a kind of Babylonish captivity I should be very proud of." CONSTRICTOR AND CONTRADICTOR. A wit, when asked if he had visited the new boa constrictor in the Zoolo- gical Gardens, replied, "No; but I have been spending all the morning with the bore contradictor," meaning Hallam.^ The story is told by Lady Chatterton. A SUGGESTION. Lord Surrey {drm 1785) rarely made use of water for purposes of bodily refreshment and comfort. Nor (says Wraxall**) did he change his linen more frequently than he washed himself. Complaining one day to Dudley North that he was a martyr to the rheumatism, and had ineffectually tried every remedy for its relief— "Pray, my lord," said he, "did you ever try a clean shirt?" 1 He was 'burnt to death in trying to rescue his favourite boots from a fire. 2 King was a Jew money-lender. 3 The historian. 4 Sir Nathaniel Wraxall, in his Memoirs. 48 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. ON TICK. Fox, whose pecuniary embarrassments were imiversally recognised, being attacked by a severe indisposition, which confined him to his apartment, Dudley frequently visited him. In the course of conversation (says WraxaU), Fox, alluding to his complaints, remarked that he was compelled to observe much regularity in his diet and hours; adding, "I live by rule, like clock- work." "Yes," replied Dudley, "I suppose you mean that you go tick, tick, tick." ''I SWEAR!" Walpole, in one of his letters to Sir Horace Mann, says : — Your friend St Leger had a cause the other day for ducking a sharper, and was going to swear: the Judge said to him, "I see, sir, you are very ready to take an oath." "Yes, my lord," replied St Leger, *' my father was a judge." "HOLLOW, HOLLOW, HOLLOW." [At a ball at M. de Guines'], Harry Conway the younger was so surprised at the agility of Mrs Hobart's bulk, that (according to Walpole) ha said he was sure she must be hoUow. A CONTRADICTORY RELIGION. I must tell you (says Walpole to Sir Horace Mann) a hon mot of Winning- ton. I was at dinner with him and Lord Lincoln and Lord Stafford last week, and it happened to be a maigre day of which Stafford was talking, though, you may believe, without any scruples. "Why!" said Winnington, "what a religion is yours ! They let you eat nothing, and yet make you swallow everything!" PROFESSIONAL. Barham tells the story of Lord Middleton, out hunting, calling to Gunter, the confectioner, to "hold hard," and not ride over the hounds, " My horse is so hot, my lord, that I don't know what to do with him." "Ice him, Gunter; ice him." A CLEVER CHIEL. Hook (says Jerdan) had placed some crape round the print of Peel, for some vote he disapproved of At dinner, some one appealed to him to take it off; he consented, and, amidst a dead silence, a voice which had been scarcely heard during dinner exclaimed, "Nothing like a Tory for getting a brother ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 49 Tory out (AMs crape (his scrape)." ** Who's the chiel?" asked Allan Cun- ningham. " Lord W. Lennox," I responded. " Happy idea," said Croker; " a glass of wine, Lord William." WAITING ON HIS MAJESTY. One one occasion (says Lord William Lennox) George the Fourth received a reply to an invitation to dinner, in which the writer expressed his sense of the "honour he would have in waiting upon his Majesty at dinner," " Waiting upon me at dinner," said the modern Sardanapalus ; ** then I hope he will bring his napkin, " HERO AND ZERO. It is told of Queen Caroline (says Jerdan^) that when her bitterness against her husband was at its height, she exclaimed, " Je suis la tille d'un Hero, la femme d'un Zero. " A ROYAL JOKE. A witticism of William IV, is thus recorded by Lord William Lennox. At a dinner given by the Sailor-King to the Jockey Club in 1836, the Marquis of Westminster, grandfather of the present Duke, bored the Royal host and fellow-guests by reiterating his panegyrics upon the speed and stoutness of his celebrated horse Touchstone. '* I will name an animal to beat him," said the good-natured King, "and he will do it by a neck," According to the then prevailing custom at Jockey Club dinners, ink, pen, and paper were brought with a view to the conclusion of a match, and his Majesty wrote down his champion, which proved to be the girafie. A SCRIPTURAL REMINISCENCE. When witnessing a debate in the House of Lords, the Duke of Sussex, who sat quite near to Moore, the poet, said in his high squeaking voice, " Did you hear that speak last night ? I think we might have brought him up with another prophet: *And he said, saddle me the ass, and they saddled VERY LIKE IT, The Duke of Cumberland was so delighted with a speech of Archbishop Howley's, that when entertaining a small party, of whom one (says Lord Teignmouth) was my informer, at his own table with the repetition of it, he 1 In his Autobiography. Jerdan was long editor of the Literary Gazette, D 50 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE, emphasized his sentences by the interlarding of such expressions as at length to elicit from the Duchess the observation, *' Why, my dear, the Archbishop did not swear ;" when he replied, evidently unwilling to concede his position, ""Well, if he did not say that, he said something very much like it." TOO MUCH FOR HIM. Sir A. C once telling long rhodomontade stories about America at Lord Barrymore's table, B. (winking at the rest of the company), asked him, " Did you ever meet any of the Chick-chows, Sir Arthur ?" "Oh, several; a very civil race." "The Cherry-chows?" "Oh, very much among them: they were particularly kind to our men." "And pray, did you know any- thing of the Totteroddy bow-bows?" This (says Moore) was too much for poor Sir A. , who then, for the first time, perceived that Barrymore had been quizzing him. A SPIT-FUL JUDGE. Like many other counsel, not of the highest class, George Fergusson, after- wards Lord Hermand, owed his professional practice chiefly to the fervour of his zeal. His eagerness (says Lord Cockburn) made him froth and sputter so much in his argumentation, that there is a story to the effef't that when he was once pleading in the House of Lords, the Duke of Gloucester, who was about fifty feet from the bar, rose and said, with pretended gravity, ' ' I shall be much obliged to the learned gentleman if he will be so good as to refrain from spitting in my iace." PRONUNCIATION An amusing occurrence during the trial of Planche -u. Braham is worth mentioning, as a similar retort has been put into the mouth of Claude Melnotte in the "Lady of Lyons." Mr Adolplms, who was the leading counsel for the defendant, in his cross-examination of Mr Berkeley, quoted a passage from Shakespeare, and sneeringly asked him if he recognised these words? "Certainly not, as you pronounce them," answered Mr Berkeley, contemptuously, raising a general laugh at the expense of the learned gentle- man. The Mr Berkeley in question was the Hon. H. Fitzhardinge Berkeley, and the story is told by Mr Planche. WHAT HE COULD DO. 1 The greatest treat I saw (says A. Gibson Hunter^) was Sir John Lade, the famous whip, in his barouche and four. Tommy Onslow, now Lord Cranley, \ 1 In Archibald Constable's Correspondence. ABOUT MEN OF SOCIETY. 51 is on the whole reckoned the best whip of the two. The following lines on his lordship are good : — "What can Tommy Onslow do? Wliy ? he can drive a phaeton and two ; Can Tommy Onslow do no more ? Yes, he can drive a phaeton and four." STILLS Moore says that Lord Maynard was the person who said of the House of Commons, '' Is that going on still?" UNDER. The following is Serope Davies' epitaph on Lord L , as preserved by Moore : — " Here lies L's body, from his soul asunder; He once was on the turf, and now is %n6i^" A FOOLISH STUDY. Writing in 1780, Horace Walpole says: — After Sir Paul Methuen had quitted court, the late Queen, who thought she had that foolish talent of playing oif people, frequently saw him when she dined abroad. Once that she dined with my mother at Chelsea, Sir Paul was there. The Queen's constant topic for teazing Sir Paul was his passion for romances, and he was weary of it. " Well, Sir Paul, what romance are you reading now ? " " None, madam! I nave gone through them all." "Well! what are you reading then?" ''I have got into a very foolish study, madam: the History of the Kings and Queens of England." FRENCH OF STRATFORD. On one occasion (says Gronow) Lord Westmoreland, who was Lord Privy Seal, being asked what office he held, replied, "Xe Chancelier est le grand sceau (sot) ; moi je suis le petit sceau d'Angleterre." On another occasion, he wished to say, "I would if I could, but I can't," and he rendered it, "Je voudrais se je coudrais, mais je ne cannais p William Taley, D.D., author of the famous Evidences; b. 1743, d. 1805. ABOUT THE CHURCH AND THE CLERGY, ETC. 195 Accordingly I read my sermon over till the bells began to ring. I then put on my surplice, but no landlady came to release me. I read half my sermon over again, but still no landlady appeared. Looking out of the window I saw the congregation assembling, and at length the great bell began to toll, as it always did when the Dean and Chapter were about to form into procession. Still no landlady appeared. In this extremity I threw open the window, and with the help of the water-butt and water-spout, climbed down in my canonicals into the street. Happily I was so late that comparatively few of the congre- gation witnessed this exploit. On my return home after the service I put my hand mechanically into my pocket, and had opened the door of my lodgings before I called to mind my imaginary difficulty." NOTHING TO PAY. "What have I to pay?" said Mr Linley, coming to a turnpike, whip in hand, with a bridle trailing on the ground. "You have nothing to pay, sir," replied the turnpike keeper ; "you must have left your horse behind you." This conjecture was correct. Linley had undertaken to do duty at a church a few miles from Norwich, and in order to relieve his horse, had dismounted to walk part of the way. The bridle had slipped off while he was in a brown study, thinking of "Plato's Dialogues" or "Hartley on Man," and he reached the turnpike quite unconscious of the loss he had sustained.^ MALE AND FEMALE. Lord Tc'ignmouth tells several amusing stories about Dr Drake of Langton. For instance : — On his first visit to his neighbours he would introduce his wife and himself, as "Duck and Drake." SCRUTON-Y. When Dr Drake heard of a very likely young man staying at Scruton Hall, the residence of some well-apportioned young ladies, he would circulate the report that so-and-so was ^'scrutinising,'* A GOOD GRACE. When the good Duchess of Leeds requested Dr Drake to say the grace at the dinner-table at Hornby Castle, he simply replied, "Madam, your Grace is sufficient for me." 1 A similar story is told ty the Rev. J. C. Young of the poet Bowles, and Sydney Smith has a reference to such a tale as being recounted of "a clergj'man," 196 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. UNBEARABLE. A close glass bookcase once provoked from Dr Drake the remark that he never could stand ''Locke on the Human Understanding." A MEDDLER. It was when dining with a friend in Worcester College (says Miss Whately) that a trifling incident brought out one of Whately 's^ happiest horis mots. There were some medlars on the table, and his host regretted that he had in vain tried to procure also some services {Pyrus domestica, a fruit which grows wild in Kent and Sussex, and is there called " checquers.") One of the com- pany asked the difference between a "service" and a "meddler," to which Mr Whately replied, " The same kind of difference as between ' officium ' and 'officiosus.' " PERSECUTION. One day, when Dr Whately was conversing with a friend, sometning was said on the subject of religious persecution ; on which he remarked, "It is no wonder that some English people have a taste for persecuting on account of religion, since it is the first lesson that most are taught in their nurseries. " His friend expressed his incredulity, and denied that he, at least, had been taught it. " Are you sure ? " replied Dr Whately. ' ' What do you think of this ?— ' Old Daddy Longlegs won't say his prayers, Take him by the left leg, and throw him downstairs.* If that is not religious persecution, what is ? " DISSENT IN CHINA. A lady from China who was dining with Archbishop Whately told him that English flowers reared in that country lose their perfume in two or three years. "Indeed !" was the immediate remark, "I had no idea the Chinese were such de-scent-ers." THAT IS WHY. Whately once asked a roomful of divines why white sheep eat so very much more than black sheep. It was solemnly suggested that black being a warmer colour than white, black sheep could do with less nutriment. Whately gravely shook his head, and answered, " White sheep eat more, because there are more of them." 1 Richard "Whately, Archbishop of Dublin; b. 17S7, d. 1863. ABOUT THE CHURCH AND THE CLERGY, ETC. 197 ONE OF THE FIRST. "Sir, you are one of the first men of the age,"^ said Whately to one whose conceit had offended him. *' Oh, my lord," replied the other, highly de- lighted; "you do me too much honour." "Not at all," replied Whately; "you were born, I believe, in 1801." ^ QUERY. " There is nothing," said a dealer, speaking of a horse, " which he cannot draw." " Can he draw an inference ?" asked Whately. R E - T A I L E D. Whately once startled his listeners by asking, "If the devil lost his tail, where would he go to find a new one?" and without waiting for others to guess, replied, " To a gin palace, for bad spirits are re-tailed there." THE REASON. " Why [asked Whately] does the operation of hanging kill a man?" A physiologist gravely replied, " Because inspiration is checked, circulation stopped, and blood suffuses and congests the brain." "Bosh!" cried AVhately ; " it is because the rope is not long enough to let his feet touch the ground."^ A DREADFUL ALTERNATIVE. While at Heidelberg (says J. C. Young) I used to take daily lessons in German from a certain Dr Hiihle, who had been for some years the minister of the German Lutheran chapel in the Strand. He was the dirtiest man I ever saw. I may safely add, he was the vainest. I found him, on a particular occasion, overlooking, sorting, and making selections from a large pile of sermons and manuscripts. I said to him, ' ' Have you never published any of your many compositions ? " Looking over his pipe at me, with an air of great 1 The same joke occurs in Heine's Reisebilde: — " ' I was born, signora, on New Year's Night, 1800.' 'Did I not tell you,' said the Marquis, 'that he is one of the first men of our century ? ' " 2 See Fitzpatrick's Life of Whately, where will be found all the more familiar of his witticisms. •■' Many of Whately's most amusing sayings were in this form of question and answer. Thus:— "What is the female of a male coach? A miscarriage." "Why has Ireland the richest capital in the world ? Because its capital is always doubling (Duhlin)." "What is the difference between an Irishman and a Scotchman on the top of a mountain in frosty weather? One is cowld with the kilt, and the other is kilt with the cowld." And so on. 198 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. importance, lie thus addressed me : " Saar ! you are not de erste persone who have asked me dat question wit surbrise. Der Herr von Nohden, die Lib- rarium of die Breeches Mooseum at London, von day said to me ver plain — 'Mein goote frennd, vy do you not bublish?' I shook mein head. 'Oh,' said dat great man, ' you musht bublish ! you musht indeed ! I vill speak out ! You musht evacooate your brain, or, by ! you vill bursht!" "A LAPSY LINGO." Barham records that [at a] dinner of the Sons of the Clergy at Merchant Tailors' Hall, Archbishop Howley,^ a nervous man, by a ludicrous lapsus linguce gave as a toast, instead of '* Prosperity to the Merchant Tailors' Com- pany," "Prosperity to the Merchant Company's Tailor !" A PRECISE PRAYER. The long reign of George the Third was brought to a close on the 29th of January 1820. On the following Sunday (says Lord Cockburn) Sir Harry MoncreifF, not satisiied with merely praying for the new sovereign generally, said in plain terms, giving the very date, that there might be no mistake about it, "And oh. Lord, stablish his heart in righteousness, and in the principles of the glorious revolution of sixteen hunder and echty-echt." TIT FOR TAT. Lord CampbelP says that Sir John Trevor was so incensed by the promotion to the primacy of Tillotson,^ whom he considered a Low Churchman, that, passing him one day near the House of Lords, he could not refrain from uttering, loud enough to be heard by the object of his spleen, "I hate a fanatic in lawn sleeves." "And I," retorted the primate, "hate a knave in any sleeves." BISHOP BLUSTER. Lord Teignmouth notes that Bishop Mansell, of Bristol, was the subject of the following allusion to his having purchased, with a view to pulling it down, a public-house in the town next door to his OAvn residence, glorying in the sign of Bishop Blaize : — " ' Two of a trade can ne'er agree,' No proverb e'er was jnster ; They've ta'en down Bishop Blaize, d'ye see ? And set up Bishop Bluster." 1 Archbishop of Canterbury; h. 1705, d. 1848. 2 The authority for this story seems to be the Life of Jeffreys. 3 John Tillotson, Archbishop of Canterbury; b. 1630, d. 1694. ABOUT THE CHURCH AND THE CLERGY, ETC. 199 A MATTER OF CHOICE. Mark Boyd writes :— Among tlie numerous anecdotes of my late Lincoln-- shire clerical friend, the Rev, W. Wright, of Brattleby, was the following : The clergyman of a moimtainous district in Yorkshire, whoso parsonage was imder repair, arrived at the public-house of the village to attend to his duties on the Sunday morning. The rain was descending in torrents, and, when the time had arrived for going into church, he sent the clerk to see what sort of congregation there was, who returned and reported that it consisted of Smith and" Davies, the two shepherds. On hearing this the clergjonan said, "You had better go and ask them whether they would prefer a sermon or a pot of beer." He came back immediately to inform him that they would much prefer the pot of beer. The pot was sent for and discussed accordingly, and the sermon put by for a " more convenient season." A STEADY EYE. Curran (says Phillips) used to relate with great glee a mishap which befell a Roman Catholic bishop who went up to the Castle [at Dublin] to adulate the Lord Lieutenant. It seems one of Lord Cornwallis's eyes was smaller than the other, and had acquired a quick, perpetual, oscillatory motion. The addressers, who had never seen him, had elaborated their com- pliments in the country. His excellency was on his throne in high state, when Bishop Lanigan of Kilkenny, at the head of his clergy, auspiciously commenced: "Your Excellency lias always had a steady eye upon the interests of Ireland." The room was in a roar. A K I K G. Sheridan (says L'Estrange) was not devoid of that vanity which so often accompanies talent. On one occasion he made a very high-flown speech, in which he spoke of himself as being "descended from the loins of kings!' "That's quite true," said Dr Spry, who was sitting next Harness ; "the last time I saw his father [who was an actor], he was the King of Denmark." PITHY AND CONCISE. Mark Boyd says in his Reminiscences: — I have before me, in remembrance, that charming and aged Irish Episcopalian clergyman, the late Dr Richardson, of Confagle, in the county of Tyrone. As boys, we admired the doctor's grace much, because it was pithy and concise. My mother's usual request, "Doctor, will you say grace ?" "With pleasure, ma'am." The words were then uttered rapidly, but sonorously : — " God bless us and our mate, Amen. At the conclusion of dinner, "Doctor, may I ask you?" "Most sartenly, ma'am. * Thank God for what we have resaived, Amen. ' " 200 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. ''THE OTHER NINE." Doctor Hughes told Barham the following anecdote, which he heard from the "Great Unknown." A Scottish clergyman, whose name was not men- tioned, had some years since been cited before the Ecclesiastical Assembly at Edinburgh, to answer to a charge brought against him of great irreverence in religious matters, and Sir "Walter was employed by him to arrange his defence. The principal fact alleged against him was his having asserted, in a letter which was produced, that "he considered Pontius Pilate to be a very ill-used man, as he had done more for Christianity than all the other nine apostles put together." The fact was proved, and suspension followed. NUBERE AND BIBERE. Lord Eldon used to tell the following story : — A clergyman who had two small Corpus livings adjoining each other, Newbury and Bibury, and who always performed the morning service in the former and the evening in the latter, being asked in the Hall why he did not divide the duties equally be- tween them, made answer, ** I go to nubere in the morning, because that is the time to marry, and I go to lihere in the evening, because that is the time to drink." NOTHING BETTER. Mr Hayward says that George III. once ironically asked an eminent divine, who was just returned from Rome, whether he had converted the Pope. " No, sire ; I had nothing better to offer him." BEYOND PURGATORY. L' Estrange says : — The Bishop of Derry was disputing with a Roman Catholic priest about Purgatory. "Well, my lord," replied the priest in conclusion, " you may go farther and fare worse." "IN ALL RESPECTS CONTEMPTIBLE." Dickens writes to his friend Fields^ : — I saw a scene of mingled comicality and seriousness at [a] funeral some weeks ago, which has choked me at dinner time ever since. C and I went as mourners. There was an independent clergyman present, with his bands on and a Bible under his arm, who, as soon as we were seated, addressed thus in a loud, emphatic voice, "Mr C , have you seen a paragraph respecting our departed friend, which has gone the round of the morning papers?" "Yes, sir," says C , "I have," looking very hard at me the while, for he had told me with some 1 Yesterdays ivith Authors. ABOUT THE CHURCH AND THE CLERGY, ETC. 201 pride coining down that it was Ms composition. ** Oh !" said the clergyman. "Then, you will agree with me, Mr C , that it was not only an insult to me, who am a servant of the Almighty, but an insult to the Almighty, whose servant I am." " How is that, sir ?" said C . '* It is stated, Mr C , in that paragraph," says the minister, "that when Mr H failed in business as a bookseller, he was persuaded by ine to try the pulpit, which is false, incorrect, and unchristian, in manner blasphemous, and in all respects contemptible. Let us pray." With which, and in the same breath, I give you my w^ord, he knelt down, as we all did, and began a very miserable jumble of an extemporary prayer. I was really penetrated with sorrow for the family, but when C (upon his knees, and sobbing for the loss of an old friend) whispered me, "That if that wasn't a clergyman, and it wasn't a funeral, he'd have punched his head," I felt as if nothing but convulsions could possibly relieve me. IT WENT, BUT WAS NOT GONE. A late Bishop of Exeter, in the course of conversation at a dinner-party, men- tioned that many years since, while trout-fishing, he lost his watch and chain, which he supposed had been pulled from his pocket by the bough of a tree. Sometime afterwards, when staying in the same neighbourhood, he took a stroll by the side of the river, and came to the secluded spot where he supposed he had lost his valuables, and there, to his surprise and delight, he found them under a bush. The anecdote, vouched for by the word of a bishop, astonished the company ; but this was changed to amusement by his son's Inquiring whether the watch, when found, was going. "No," replied the bishop ; "the wonder was that it was not gone." "DO EABBIT IT!" Everyone (says J. C. Young) knows the old story of the curate, who had his Sunday dinner invariably with his rector, and who, never having had any- thing but rabbits served up in different ways, was asked to say grace, and delivered himself of these lines : — " For rabbits hot, for rabbits cold, For rabbits young, for rabbits old, For rabbits tender, for rabbits tough. We thank the Lord we've had enough." A very amusing person rendered them into Latin, thus — " Pro conibus ealidis, conibus frigidis, Pro conibus moUibus, conibus rigidis. Pro conibus senibus, Atque juvenibus. Grates aqimus fatis, Habniuius satis." 202 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. ORIGINAL. A clergyman had commenced an able discourse, when one of the hearers, an accomplished but eccentric man, exclaimed, "That's Tillotson!" This (says Mark Boyd) was allowed to pass, but very soon another exclamation followed. " That's Paley. " The preacher then addressed the disturber. "I tell you, sir, if there is to be a repetition of such conduct, I shall call on the church- warden to have you removed from the church." "That's your own," was the ready reply. A WITTY PRIEST. Yelverton, the Irish lawyer, was at Killarney with his friend, the witty Father O'Leary. Both were present at a stag-hunt, and the hunted deer approaching the Attorney-General, fell quite exhausted at his feet. "Dear Mr Yelverton," exclaimed Father O'Leary, "what wonderful instinct that stag possesses ! He comes directly to you, expecting that, in your official capacity, you'll at once issue a nolle prosequi in his favour." BOTH OF THEM WERE APOSTLES. There was an old woman living at Naples, very devout, who went to her confessor on a case of conscience. Her object (says Barham) was to learn whether San Gennaro or the Virgin Mary was the greater saint. "Why, daughter," said the padre, "that is a very nice question, and perhaps it might puzzle the Holy Father himself to decide upon it. However, for your comfort it may perhaps be satisfactory to know that both of them were Apostles. " IT WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED. When Porson^ was told that Prettyman^ had been left a large estate by a person who had seen him only once, he said, "It would not have happened if the person had seen him twice." This and the following things are told by Maltby. NOT A SCOTCHMAN. A gentleman who had heard that Bentley was born in the North, said to Porson, "Wasn't he a Scotchman?" "No, sir," replied Person; Bentley was a great Greek scholar. " 1 The famous scholar; h. 1759, d. 1808. 2 " Then Bishop of Lincoln. A valuable estate was bequeathed to him by Marmaduke Tomline (a gentleman with whom he had no relationship or connection) on condition of his taking the name of Tomline." — Dyce. ABOUT THE CHURCH AND THE CLERGY, ETC. 203. APT RHYMES. Maltby says he often heard Porson repeat the following lines, which he pre- sumed were his own composition : — " Toetis non laetaTmir tribus, Pye, Fetro Pindar, parvo Pybus ; Si ulterius ire pergis, Adde Ms Sir James Bland Burgess." HE AND HECUBA. At some college dinner, where (says Moore), in giving toasts, the name was spoken from one end of the table, and a quotation applicable to it was to be supplied from the other, on the name of Gilbert Wakefield [the scholar] being given out, Porson, who hated him, roared forth, ""What's Hecuba to him, or he to Hecuba ? " ^ SOBER AND DRUNK. According to Moore, Porson said one night, when he was very drunk, to Dodd, who was pressing him hard in an argument, "Jemmy Dodd, I always despised you when sober, and I'll be d — d if I'll argue with you now that I'm drunk, " OUT OF HIS MOUTH. Crabb Robinson tells some good stories of Donaldson (the scholar).*^ For instance: — Some one complaining, "You take the words out of my mouth;"^ Donaldson replied, "You are very hard to please; would you have liked it better if I had made you swallow them ?" A SOUND DIVINE. At the Athenaeum with Dr Donaldson, the term sound Divine being used,. I said, " I do not know what is a sound Divine," quoting Pope, — " Dulness is sacred in a sound divine." <'But I do,'' said Donaldson; "it is a divine who is vox et praeterea niJiil." A COMPLIMENT. Lady C , offering a wager, was asked what it should be. "A feather from one of my wings when I am an angel." " I would recommend your ladyship," said Donaldson, "to abstain from such wagers. There is a great danger, if you do not, you may be plucked. " 1 In allusion to his classical criticisms. 2 Bom 1812, died 1861. 204 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. SUPEK-FISH-ALL. It was said at table, " If you can give me at dinner a good dish of fish after soup, I want no more." "That is not my doctrine," said Dr Donaldson. ** On such a theme I am content to be held superficml." AND WAS IT ? Rogers once said to Planchfe— My old friend Maltby, the brother of the Bishop, was a very absent man. One day at Paris, in the Louvre, we were looking at the pictures, when a lady entered, who spoke to me, and kept me some minutes in conversation. On rejoining Maltby, I said, "That was Mrs . We have not met so long, she had almost forgotten me, and asked if my name was Rogers." Maltby, still looking at the pictures, said, "And was it?" A MOTTO. Being one day at Trinity College at dinner, [Donne] was asked to write a motto for the college snuff-box, which was always circulating at the dinner- table. "Considering where we are," said Donne, "there could be nothing better than ' Quicunque vult ! ' " The story is told by Crabb Robinson. A TIMID WOOER. Dr Haldane, a Professor of St Andrews University, was one of the most estimable of men, universally respected by all who knew him, and yet, in spite of a pleasing person, a genial manner, a good position, a good house, and a handsome competency, he was weU advanced in life before he could make up his mind to marry. No misogymist was he ! Womankind he loved, " not wisely, but too well;" and yet, when in their presence, his self-possession forsook him, and he became a much-oppressed and bashful man. When it was reported that he had fitted up his house afresh, at the very time when appearances were of less consequence to him, it was generally supposed, and currently reported, that he was going to change his state. There is no doubt the rumour was well founded ; for, on a given day, at an hour unusually early for a call, the good doctor was seen at the house of a certain lady, for whom he had long been supposed to have a predilection, in a bran-new coat, wiping "his weel-pouthered head" with a clean white handkerchief, and betraying much excitement of manner, till the door was opened. As soon as he was shown "ben," and saw the fair one whom he sought calmly engaged in knit- ting stockings, and not at aU disturbed by his entrance, his courage, like that of Bob Acres in the "Rivals," began to ooze out at the tips of his fingers, and he sat himself down on the edge of his chair in such a state of pitiable confu- ABOUT THE CHURCH AND THE CLERGY, ETC. 205 sion as to elicit the compassion of the lady in question. She could not under- stand what ailed him; but felt instinctively that the truest good-breeding would be to take no notice of his embarrassment, and lead the conversation herself. Thus, then, she opened fire: — "Weel, Doctor, hae ye got through a' your papering and painting yet ? " (A clearing of the throat preparatory to speech, but not a word uttered). "I'm told your new carpets are just beautifu'." (A further clearing of the throat, and a vigorous effort to speak, terminating in a free use of his handkerchief). " They say the pattern 0' the dining-room chairs is something quite out o' the way. In short, that every- thing aboot the house is perfect." Here was a providential opening he was not such a goose as to overlook. He *' screwed his courage to the sticking place," advanced his chair, sidled towards her, simpering the while, raised his eyes furtively to her face, and said, with a gentle inflection of his voice, which no ear but a wilfully deaf one could have misinterpreted, " Na ! na ! Miss J — n. It's no quite perfect. It canna be quite that, so long as there's ae thing wanting!" "And what can that be ?" said the imperturbable spin- ster. Utterly thrown on his beam ends (says Young) by her wilful blindness to his meaning, the poor man beat a hasty retreat, drew back his chair from its dangerous proximity, caught up his hat, and, in tones of blighted liope, gasped forth his declaration in these words — " Eh ! dear ! eh ! Well 'am sure 1 The thing wanting is, a — a — a — sideboard ! " NOT DEAD— MAY DIE. Windham, 1 when undergraduate, hated a pun, good or bad. Reading Demosthenes one day with great admiration, and coming to Ts Sv-nx^ ^'i'^f^'^or, (Is Philip dead?) 0«, ^a a/' (No! by Jupiter!) he was put (says Lord Eldon into a great passion by a fellow-student saying, "No, Windham, you see he is not dead ; the Greek words only say he inay die." THAT WAS WHAT HE SAID. Harrison says : — I heard an anecdote at Oxford of a proctor encountering on his rounds two undergraduates, who were without their gowns, or out of bounds, or out of hours. He challenged one: "Your name and college?" They were given. Turning to the other: "And pray, sir, what might your name be?" "Julius Cs&sar," was the reply. "What, sir! Do you mean to say your name is Julius Csesar ?" " Sir, you did not ask me what it is, but what it might be." The proctor, repressing a smile, turned away. * William Windham, the politician; 6. 1810. 2o6 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. HALVES AND QUARTERS. Says the same writer : — I remember a Trinity College (Dublin) story of a student, who, having to translate Csesar, rendered the first sentence, "Omnis Gallia divisa est in tres partes" — "All Gaul is quartered into three halves," CASTING REFLECTIONS. At the same time (says Harrison) I was told of one of the undergraduates of the same college amusing himself with a mirror, by throwing the reflection of the sun's rays on the heads of the dons as they crossed the quod, for which he was summoned before the authorities, who, however, were puzzled to find a name for the oflbnce, until one of them suggested, "Casting reflections on the heads of the college." TO THE POINT. Lord Eldon told the following story: — The drinking cups, or glasses, at Oxford, from their shape were called ox-eyes. Some friends of a young student, after inducing him to fill his ox-eye much fuller and oftener than consisted with his equilibrium, took pity at last upon his helpless condition, and led or carried him to his rooms. He had just Latin enough at command to thank them at the stair-head with " Pol, me ox-eye — distis, amici." AB HISS. The Vice-Chancellor, Dr Leech of Balliol, a determined punster, having given ofi'ence to the young men by some act of discipline, when he next appeared among them he was saluted with much sibilation ; whereupon, turning round, he said, "Academici laudamur ab Aw.?" which (says Eldon) produced a change in his favour, and they loudly applauded him. NE QUID NIMIS. Smoking (says Eldon) was common in those daj^s, and a fellow secretly indulged even in the habit of chewing tobacco. Having once inadvertently squirted near the master's niece, who was passing by, he was thus admonished, " Ne quid nigh Miss. " NOT THE LION— THE BEAR. When Professor Whewell returned to Cambridge a benedict, and his lady discovered the estimation in which he was generally held, she is reported (says Jerdan) to have exclaimed, "Why, AV., how is this ! When I married you I was taught to believe my husband was the Lion of Cambridge, but I find to my sorrow he is only the Bear." ABOUT THE CHURCH AND THE CLERGY, ETC, 207 HIS LAST ADVICE. According to the Rev. J. C. Young, the Rev. John W. Burgon, of Oriel College, Oxford, was a great favourite of the late president of Magdalen [Dr Routh]. ^ On one occasion, when Dr Routh had been sajdng many kind and encouraging things to him, he asked him to give him some advice which might stay by him, and be of use to him in his future life. " Always verify citations," was his answer. NOT FOR ANY MONEY. A country rector (says L'Estrange), coming up to preach at Oxford in his turn, complained to Dr Routh, the venerable principal of Magdalen, that the remuneration was very inadequate, considering the travelling expenses, and the labour necessary for the composition of the discourse. " How much did they give you?" inquired Dr Routh. "Only five pounds," was the reply. "Only five pounds ! " repeated the Doctor; " why, I would not have preached that sermon for fifty. " '•'CALL ME EARLY." J, C. Young is responsible for the following : — When Tennyson entered the Oxford Theatre to receive his honorary degree of D. C. L. , his locks hanging in admired disorder on his shoulders, dishevelled and unkempt, a voice from the gallery was heard crying out to him, ' ' Did your mother call you early, dear?" 1 Died December 22, 1S54, in his hundredth year. " Independently of his high distinction ns a schdlar, he was interesting from his extensive experience of life."— Fown^. 2o8 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. About f^EOPLE in General. SOLDIERS AND SAILORS. HALF WOULD TRY. MOORE tells the story of Frederick the Great saying to some English general (?), " Could any regiment of yours of the same number of men perform such a feat ?" *' I don't know, sire," was the answer, "but half the number would try." *'THE PIE'S YOURS, SIR!" Barham, when a boy, along with a young friend called Diggle, having, in the course of one of their walks, discovered a Quakers' meeting-house, forth- with procured a penny tart of a neighbouring pastry-cook. Furnished with this, Diggle marched boldly into the building, and holding up the delicacy in the midst of the grave assembly, said with perfect solemnity, "Whoever speaks first shall have this pie." *' Friend, go thy way," commenced a drab- coloured gentleman, rising; "go thy way, and — ." *'The pie's yours, sir !" exclaimed Master Diggle politely, and placing it before the astounded speaker hastily effected his escape. Barham tells this tale himseK. ^ "SHE DIDN'T MEAN IT." Monk Lewis 2 (says Rogers) was a great favourite at Oatlands. One day after dinner, as the duchess was leaving the room, she whispered something into Lewis's ear. He was much affected, his eyes filling with tears. We asked him what was the matter. " Oh," replied Lewis, "the duchess spoke so t?er2/ kindly to me ! " "My dear fellow," said Colonel Armstrong, "pray don't cry ; I daresay she didn't mean it." RAPID PROMOTION. A Colonel W had been dining with an old brother ofiicer, who had but just returned from India, and whom he had not seen for some years. He 1 Diggles afterwaa-ds became governor of the military college at Sandliui-st. 2 See p. 124, ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. . 209 brought him in the course of the evening to a ball at the Pavilions, the seat of General Moore. The colonel was not exactly inebriated, but somewhat elevated. "With high broad shoulders, epaulettes up to his ears, a stiff military carriage, and a salute rather than a bow, he presented his friend to the General in the following coherent terms : "General Moore, let me intro- duce to you a friend of mine ! " Then, waving his hand from one to the other, in the approved fashion, he said, "General Moore! Captain Cox! — General Cox ! Captain Moore ! " The rapidest instances of promotion and reduction (says J. C. Young) I ever heard of ! A FIG FOR HIM. Tom Assheton Smith gave J. C. Young the following impromptu by Sir "William Meadows on Lord Cornwallis being voted a plum, after the conquest of Seringapatam, while Tie only was made free of the city by the Grocers' Company, " From Leadenhall the reasons (raisins) come Why Grocers made me free ; To you, my lord, they vote a plum, ♦But say a Jig for me." 1 HE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THEM. The Duke of "Wellington used to say of his old aide-de-camp, Sir Colin Campbell, who died at last Lieutenant-Governor of Plymouth — a man gallant, trustworthy, and naturally intelligent — "that he knew no language except his own, and that very incorrectly." I had a French cook in Spain (says Lord "William Lennox), and Colin had charge of my domestic affairs. The hatterie de cuisine was not, as you may suppose, very perfect, and the cook came to Colin to complain. Neither understood a word of what the other was saying, but I overheard this pass between them: ^^ Mais, Monsieur y com/meni travaillerV " Travel," replied Colin, "why, you always travel in a coach; and as for batteries and your quizzing, I know nothing about them." COLIN AGAIN. On another occasion (says Lord "William Lennox) when we were in St Jean de Luz, I had the mayor and all the magnates to dine with me. In going away, the mayor took up an umbrella which belonged to Colin, upon which Colin seized the other end of it, and said with a low bow, " C'est moine." 1 " The Fig for thee, then."— Henry V., act iv., scene 1. O 2IO TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE, COLIN ONCE MORE. Again : Later in the evening, this worthy Scot wished to say, " I would if I conld, but I cannot," which he thus rendered, "t/e vovdrais, si je coudrais, rnaisje Tie cannais j^as." COLIN, FINALLY. At Paris, in 1815, Colin told us one morning at breakfast that he proposed dining early, so as to go to the play. We felt surprised, as he had always declined to join in any theatrical amusement. "But to-night," said he, "there's to be a grand performance. I find by the play-bills ^RelacTie ' is to be given at all the theatres ; that must be something worth seeing." We allowed him to remain in a happy state of ignorance. MITY AND MIGHTY. An incident which occurred at the mess of the 1st Life-Guards many years ago, when an incautious visitor, BaccM plenus, referred to the sobriquet that gallant corps bore. "What do you mean by cheesemongers ?" asked an in- furiated Irish cornet, bent on parading the libeller next morning. " Cheese- mongers," replied the other with great CLuickness, "so called after their mity (mighty) deeds." A SELL. One of the most amusing men I ever met with (says Lord Williard Lennox) was the late Richard Armit of the 3d, now Fusilier Guards. I remember that upon one occasion he nearly involved himself in a duel. In the days I write of, when the Guards were quartered at Windsor, he dined with me at the mess of the Blues. There happened to be present a fire-eating, quarrelsome man, who had been involved in many of what were termed affairs of honour. Dick, who had all the pluck of a son of Erin, and who had listened patiently to this oracle laying down the law, thought he would cause a laugh at his expense ; so, suddenly turning to him, he quietly said, " I saw a man to-day who would give any sum of money he possessed to kick you." " Kick me !" responded the Sir Lucius O'Trigger. " Kick me ! I call upon you to name him," at the same time turning livid with rage. " Oh, bedad, I'll tell you," replied his tormentor. " I insist upon knowing," interrupted the angry man. "Well, if you wish to know, but it must not go farther — the man was — " "Who? Who?" "Ah, don't be in such a hurry; the man was Billy Water, who goes about in a bowl, because why, he has not any legs, and, by the powers, would give all he has to be able to kick anyone." ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 211 A SOLDIER'S STORY. Mark Boyd says : — I was accompanying my father over the field of Waterloo, when our guide, an old British soldier who had been in the battle, stopped us rather abruptly at what I should say was the north-east corner of Hougoumont. " Here, sirs, his the werry spot vere 'Is Majesty, King George IV., said the werry cleverest thing that vas hever said afore hor since by hany king, hi doesn't care a morsel vere ye picks 'im. Yell, sirs, ven King George vas hon 'is journey to 'Anover, he pay Waterloo a wisit, hand was haccom- panied by 'Is Royal Highness the Duke o' Clarence hand 'Is Grace the Duke o' Wellington. Just hon this eere spot the Duke o' Wellington's oss slipped hup hon the dry tuff" hand a-throwed the duke. 'Is Majesty vas for ha moment hafeared, so vas the Duke o' Clarence ; but the Duke o' Wellington vas hon 'is feet hin ha moment, hall right. Yen the king sees that, he says to 'is brother, 'Yell, Clarence, ve can say vat t' others can't, that ve seed Wellington a-floored hat Waterloo.' " THE LATE LORD CHATHAM. The Earl of Chatham, brother of the Rt. Hon. Wm. Pitt, was (says Raikes) an indolent man, and so remarkable for his want of punctuality that he was frequently called tlie, late Lord Chatham. He commanded the unfortunate expedition to the Isle of Walcheren, while the fleet was entrusted to Admiral Sir Richard Strahan. Their inactivity on this occasion gave rise to the well- known epigram : — " Lord Chatham with his sword undrawn. Keeps waiting for Sir Richard Strahan ; Sir Richard, longing to be at 'em, Keeps waiting, too,— for whom ? Lord Chatham ! " 1 RASH V. CHOLERIC. Sir Walter Scott writes : — Colonel Blair told us that at the commencement of the Battle of Waterloo there was some trouble to prevent the men from breaking their ranks. He expostulated with one man — "Why, my good fellow, you cannot propose to beat the French alone ? You had better keep your ranks." The man, who was one of the 71st, returned to his place saying, " I believe you are right, sir, but I am a man of a very hot temper." 1 There are several slightly-differing versions of this epigram. 212 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE, HE NEVER TOOK ANYTHING. Theodore Hook declared that when the "skipper" of a noble schooner asked the owner whether he would like to "take the helm," he replied that "he liever took anything between breakfast and dinner." NOT A GREAT ORATOR. I remember (says the same writer) once being at a dinner, with the late lamented Prince Consort in the chair, when a general officer got up to return thanks for the army. "May it please— may it please — your Royal — your Eoyal Highness — I rise — I rise to return thanks for the — for the British — British— and — your Royal — " At this moment the toast-master caught hold of the General by the skirts of his coat, and said, " Thank the gentlemen and sit down," which the gallant soldier accordingly did. NOT EVEN HIS WIFE. The wife of a colonel at a review in Dublin was stopped by a sentry, and on her telling him she was "the colonel's lady," — "No matter for that, madam," said the sentry; "if you were even his wife you couldn't pass." This old anecdote is embalmed by Moore in his diary. HE DIDN'T DRINK FAIR. At a dinner of an Irish volunteer regiment (says Harrison) a member, appealing to the president, said: "Colonel, I wish ye'd spake to Sargeant Skurray, he won't drink fair." "Oh! Sergeant Skurray," exclaimed the colonel, " fill your glass, man, and pass the bottle ! " " Oh ! " was the reply, "it is not that I mane at all, at all ! He's taking two for one." TIT FOR TAT. Dr Busby (says Gronow) was notorious for his Spartan discipline, and con- stantly acted up to the old adage of not sparing the rod and spoiling the boy. He was once invited, during a residence at Deal, by an old Westminster — who, from being a very idle well-flogged boy, had, after a course of distinguished service, been named to the command of a fine frigate in the Downs — to visit him on board his ship. The doctor accepted the invitation ; and, after he had got up the ship's side, the captain piped all hands for punishment, and said to the astonished doctor, "You d — d old scoundrel, I am delighted to have the opportunity of paying you off at last. Here, boatswain, give him three dozen." ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 213 SCOTCH AND IRISH. "AN AWFU' NICHT." A Mrs Hughes repeated to J. C. Young several anecdotes whicli site had heard from the mouth of Sir Walter himself; one of Lady Johnson, sister to the late Earl of Buchan and Lord Erskine, and widow of Sir J. Johnson. When on her deathbed, a few hours prior to her dissolution, she had her notice attracted by the violence of a storm which was raging with great fury out of doors. Motioning with her hands to have the curtains thrown open, she looked earnestly at the window through which the lightning was flashing very vividly, and exclaimed to her attendants: "Gude faith, but it's an unco awfu' nicht for me to gang bleezing through the lift !" "A WALE 0' WIGS." Another story told by Sir Walter was of a drunken old laird who fell off his pony into the water while crossing a ford in Ettrick. " Eh, Jock," he cried to his man, "there's some puir body fa' en into the water ; I heard a splash ; who is it, man?" "Troth, laird, I canna tell; foreby it's no yersell," said John, dragging him to the bank. The laird's wig meanwhile had fallen oflf into the stream, and John in putting it on again placed it inside out. This, and its being thoroughly soaked, annoyed the old gentleman, who refused to wear it : — "Deil ha' my saul, it's nae my ain wig ; what for do ye no get me my ain wig, ye ne'er-do-weel ? " " Eh then, laird, ye'll no get ony ither wig the nicht, sae e'en pit it on again. There's nae sic a wale o' wigs in the bumie, I jalouse." "A PUIR BIT BODIE." Another of Sir Walter Scott's stories was of a party of Highland gentlemen who continued drinking three whole days and nights successively without intermission. "Hech, sirs," cried one at last, "but M'Kinnon looks gash!" '* What for should he no ? " returned his neighbour; " has na' the chiel been dead these twa hoors ? " " Dead," repeated his friend, " an ye did na' tell us before ! " ** Hoot, man," was the answer, " what for should I ha' spoiled gude company for sic a puir bit bodie as yon ? " A SCOTCH SHEPHERD. Mark Boyd writes : — My late esteemed friend, Mr John Mackie, M.P. for Kirkcudbrightshire, used to describe an extensive view which one of a friend's 214 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. hills commanded. This he never failed to call to the attention of his English visitors when the weather was clear. Willy the shepherd was always the guide on such occasions^ as he knew precisely the weather that would suit. One forenoon an English friend was placed under Willy's charge to mount the hill, in order to enjoy the glorious view. " I am told, shepherd, you are going to show me a wonderful view." "That's quite true, sir." "What shall I see?" " Weel, ye'll see z, feck (many) o' kingdoms, the best part o' sax, sir." "What the deuce do you mean, shepherd ?" " Weel, sir, I mean what I say." " But tell me all about it." "I'll tell ye naething mair, sir, until we're at the tap o' the hill." The top reached, Willy found everything he could desire in regard to a clear atmosphere. " Noo, sir, I hope you've got guid eenV "Oh, my eyes are excellent." "Then that's a' recht (right), sir." "Noo, div ye see yon hills awa' yonder?" "Yes, I do." " Weel, sir, those are the hills o' Cumberland, and Cumberland's in the kingdom o' England ; that's ae kingdom. Noo, sir, please keep coont. Then, sir, I must noo trouble you to look oiver (over) yonder. Div ye see what I mean ?" "Yes, I do." "That's a' recht. That's the Isle o' Man, and that was a king- dom and a sovereignty in the families o' the Earls of Derby and the Dukes o' Athol frae the days o' King David o' Scotland, if ye ken onything o' Scotch history." "You are quite right, shepherd." "Quite rechty div ye s,2Ly'i. I wouldna hoe hrocJit ye here, sir, if I was to be wrang. Weel^ that's twa kingdoms. Be sure, sir, to keep coont. Noo, turn awee dboot. Div ye sec yon land yonder ? It's a bit fardcr, but never mind that, sae lang as you see it." "I see it distinctly." " TFeel, that's a' I care aboot. Noo, sir, keep coont, for that's Ireland, and maks three kingdoms ; but there's nae trouble aboot the niest (next), for ye're stannen on't — I mean Scoteland. Weel, that tnaks four kingdoms ; div ye admit that, sir?" "Yes, that makes four, and you have two more to sTiow me." "That's true, sir, but don't be in sic (such) a hurry. Weel, sir, just look up aboon (above) yer heed, and this is by far the best of a' the kingdoms ; that, sir, aboon is Heeven. That's five ; and the saxth kingdom is that doon below yer feet, to which, sir, I hope you'll never gang ; but that's a point on which I cannot speak with ony certainty !" ANOTHER SCOTCH SHEPHERD. There is no class of persons more truly devout (says J. C. Young) than the shepherds of Scotland. Among them the exercise of family worship is never neglected. It is always gone about with decorum ; but, formality being a thing despised by them, there are no compositions so truly original, occasionally for rude eloquence, and not unfrequently for a plain and some- what unbecoming familiarity. One of the most notable men for this sort of homely fireside eloquence was Adam Scott, of Upper Dalgleish. I had an ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL, 215 uncle who herded with him, and from him I had many quotations from Adam Scott's prayers. Here is a short sample. "We parteeclarly thank Thee for Thy great gudeness to Meg ; and that it ever cam into your head to tak' ony thought 0' sic a useless bow-wow as her [alluding to a little girl of his who had been miraculously saved from drowning]. For Thy mercy's sake — for the sake 0' Thy puir sinfu' creeturs now addressing Thee in their ain shilly-shally way ; and, for the sake 0' mair than we daur weel name to Thee, hae mercy on our Eob. Ye ken Yoursel', he's a wild mischievous callant, and thinks nae mair o' committing sin than a dog does o' licking a dish. But put Thy hook intil his nose, and Thy bridle intil his gab, and gar him come back to Thee wi' a jerk, that he'll no forget the langest day he has to live. Dinna forget puir Jamie, who's far awa frae us the night. Keep Thy arm o' power about him, and, ech, sirs, I wish Ye wad endow him wi' a little spunk and smeddnm to act for his sell : for if Ye dinna, he'll be but a bauchle i' this warld, and a back-sitter i' the next. Thou hast added ane to our family. \N.B. — One of his sons had just married against his approbation]. So has been Thy will. It wad never hae been mine. But, if it is of Thee, do Thou bless the connection. But, if the fule hath done it out o' carnal desire, against a' reason and credit, may the cauld rain o' adversity settle in his habitation." THE ONE FROM THE OTHER. The following occurs in Jerdan's Autobiography: — One of the small tenants [on a Scotch estate] happened to die in the winter, when the severe weather rendered it impossible to proceed to the [cemetery] with the body for interment. Some time, therefore, elapsed before the ceremony was performed; but at length Donald was properly buried, and the clergyman of the parish, and the neigh- bours who had attended the funeral returned, as is usual in these parts, to the dwelling of the widow for refreshments. [The cleric] found her in great tribulation, weeping and wailing for her loss, and addressed her : " Janet, ma woman, this excessive sorrow is unbecoming and unchristian ; remember you have a family to care for, and ought not to give way to useless grief. " "Ohone, ohone!" was all that the sobbing Janet could reply, and the minister went on: — "Janet, desist. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away." "Oh, aye !" cried Janet, "blessed be His holy name ! Truly, sir, a' shoudna tak on sae, but he was a gude man to me. Donald, Donald — whew!" Another reproof brought the poor woman more to her senses, and she confessed that she ought not to lament so loudly, seeing she was sure, "by this time the dear departed was in Belzebub's bosom." "Belzebub's bosom !" exclaimed the minister. "It is Abraham's bosom, ye mean. Hae ye sat sae lang under ma ministry, and no ken the difference between 2i6 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. Belzebub and Abraham?" " Waes me, waes me," rejoined the widow, "I'm a puir ignorant creature ! Belzebub and Abra-ham — Abra-ham and Belzebub ; a' declare that in spite o' aw yer teaching, a' wadna ken the ane frae the ither gin they were baith standing afore me ! " HER DAVIE. Moore records in his Diary : — Talked of Sir David Baird, his roughness, &c. His mother said, when she heard of his being taken prisoner at Seringa- patam, and of the prisoners being chained together two and two, " God help the man that's tied to my Davie." TAKING HER BREAKFAST. JIark Boyd narrates this of his cook in Scotland, whom he found one night after twelve o'clock sipping her tea: — "Halloa, cook! how late you are in drinking you tea. " " Na, na, sir, I am no at my tea, I am at my breakfast, as I tliocM it best to tak mine afore ganging to bed, as you and the ither young gentlemen hae ordered yours to be ready at five, that ye mae get aff in guid time to the muirs." HONEST MAN! Frederick Locker writes: — Miss D., on her return to the Highlands of Scotland from Rome, went to see an auld Scottish wife, and said, to interest the woman, " I have been to Rome since I last saw you. I have seen all sorts of people. I have seen the Pope." The sympathetic old dame replied, with animation, *' The Pope of Rome ! — honest man ! — haze he ony family ?" WHAT AILED HIM ? A friend tells me (says the same writer) a funny little story of Mrs (the grandmother of Colonel M ), who was shown a picture of Joseph and Potiphar's wife, in which, of course, the patriarch exhibited his usual desire to withdraw himself from her sooiety. Mrs looked at it for a little while, and then said, ' ' Eh, now, and what ails him at the lassie ? " AN IJMPRESSIVE ADJURATION. A Bailie of Dundee, after witnessing the Lord Justice-Clerk pass sentence of death very impressively on a criminal, happening to have a fine of eighteen- pence to impose on an offender, thus solemnly addressed him:— -"You must either go to jail or pay the money, and the Lord have mercy on your soul ! " Jerdan tells the anecdote. ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 217 MORE CURIOUS THAN EDIFYING. Mrs Somerville says in her Autobiography : — My mother set me in due time to learn the catechism of the Kirk of Scotland, and to attend the public examinations in the kirk. These meetings were attended by a great many old women, who came to be edified. They were an acute race, and could quote chapter and verse of Scripture as accurately as the minister himself. I re- member he said to one of them, " Peggie, what lightened the v/orld before the sun was made?" After thinking for a minute, she said, "'Deed, sir, the question is mair curious than edifying. " . "AVE ARE A' THAT!" Sir James on one occasion had ventured (says F. Locker) to buy a cow without consulting his dairy-maid, a great authority on such matters. "When the new purchase was exhibited to her, she found herself divided between her love of truth and her amiable desire not to wound the feelings of her beloved master by expressing her candid opinion. She looked meditatively at the new acquisition, and then said, " She's a bonnie beastie " (pause). " She's some hee (high) at the root o' the tail" (longer pause) — "but we're cC that." COMPLIMENTARY. Says Frederick Locker again: — My friend Admiral E. E., shortly after his return from a cruise, met an old acquaintance in the streets of , who said, after the usual salutations had passed, " They tell me, Admiral, that ye had got married?" The Admiral, hoping for a compliment, replied, "Why, Bailie, I'm getting on, I'm not so young as I was, you see, and none of the girls will have me. " On which the Bailie, with perfect good faith and sim- plicity, replied, * ' 'Deed, Admiral, I was na evenin' ye to a lassie, but there's mony a fine, respeckit, half -worn wumman wud be glad to tak ye." GOOD ADVICE. A Highland Donald was tried for a capital oflfence, and had a rather narrow escape; but the jury (says Jerdan) found him "not guilty." Whereupon the judge, in discharging, thought fit to admonish him. "Prisoner! before you leave the bar, let me give you a piece of advice. You have got off this time, but if ever you come before me again, I'll be caution (surety) yoiCll he hanged^ "Thank you, my lord," answered Donald; "thank you for your good advice; and as I'm na ungratefu', I beg to gie your lordship a piece of advice in return. Never be caution for ony body, for the cautioner has often to pay the penalty." 2i8 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. HIS LAST. A Highland chief, being on his deathbed, was exhorted to forgive his enemies. He called his eldest son to his bedside, and thus (says Jerdan) spoke his last: — "Donald, you see what a pass I hae come to, and I am told that I must forgive my enemies, and especially the M'Tavish; and, for my soul's sake, I do forgie him accordingly. But, Donald, ma dear son, if ever ye forgie the Tavish, or ony o' his infernal name, may ma curse rest on ye for ever and ever. Amen ! " TAKING TIME BY THE FORELOCK. My grandmother (says Mark Boyd) once awoke my gi-andfather in the middle of the night, and told him that she much feared their son "Willie, who slept next room to them, had become deranged, as she had been listening to him for some time speaking loudly and rapidly to himself. Her husband listened, and came to the same conclusion; and they forthwith hurried to their boy's bedroom to know what was the matter. "Willie's explanation was, that as they were going to the seaside next day, he wished to save time, and was saying his prayers over and over to last him during the holidays. "ONY LASSIE COULD HAE TOLD YE THAT." Says Archdeacon Sinclair : — I was conversing one day with Dr "Williams about schools and school examinations. He said, "Let me give you a curious example of an examination at which I was j)resent in Aberdeen. An English clergyman and a Lowland Scotsman visited one of the best parish schools in that city. They were strangers, but the master received them civilly, and inquired, * "Would you prefer that I should speer these boys, or that you should ^eer them yourselves ? ' The English clergyman having ascertained that to speer meant to question, desired the master to proceed. He did so with great success, and the boys answered satisfactorily numerous interrogatories as to the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt. The clergyman then said he would be glad in his turn to speer the boys, and at once began ; ' How did Pharaoh die?' There was a dead silence. In this dilemma the Lowland gentleman interposed : ' I think, sir, the boys are not accustomed to your English accent ; let me try what I can make. of them.' And he inquired in broad Scotch: * Hoo did Phawraoh dee ?' Again there was a dead silence; upon which the master said: ' I think, gentlemen, you can't s^ccr these boys; I'll show you how to do it !' And he proceeded: * Fat cam to Phawraoh at his hinder end?' i. e. , in his latter days. The boys, with one voice, answered, * He was drooned ; ' and a smart little fellow added, * Ony lassie could hae told ye that.' The master then explained, that in the Aberdeen dialect, * to dee ' means to die a ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 219 natural death, or to die in bed ; hence the perplexity of the boys, who knew that Pharaoh's end was very different." HIS PREFERENCE. There was a Presbyterian minister (says J. C. Young) who married a couple of his rustic parishioners, and had felt exceedingly disconcerted, on his ask- ing the bridegroom if he were willing to take the woman for his wedded wife, by his scratching his head and saying, " Ay — I'm wullin', but I'd rather hae her sister." "SUCH A SET." The minister of Renfrew (says Jerdan) was desired to pray for some newly- elected bailies, and thus he performed his apologetic duty: "I should ha'," said he, " to petition again for the sake of ithers ; but, and — d, it is na worth while to trouble ye for such a set o' puir bodies ! " CHRISTIANS WANTED. Sir John Malcolm was wont (says the same writer) to tell one unvarying tale at the expense of my good border name. An English traveller, benighted on a bitter night in the wilds of Liddesdale, got at last to a straggling village, in one attic, i.e.^ second floor, of which there was a light burning. By re- peated knocking on the door he at length roused the inmate, an ancient crone, who opened the casement. "Is there any Christians here," he ex- claimed; "if so, pray let me in for shelter!" "Na, na," responded the old lady; " na, na, gif ye want Christians ye maun ride to the next town — we are a' Jerdans and Johnstones here ! " I should state that the family name of Christian was equally predominant in the town referred to. "DON'T BE AFRAID." It was at Kilravock (says Lord Cockburn) that old Henry Mackenzie used to tell that a sort of household officer was kept, whose duty it was to prevent the drunk guests from choking. Mackenzie was once at a festival there, towards the close of which the exhausted topers sank gradually back and down on their chairs, till little of them was seen above the table except their noses ; and at last they disappeared altogether and fell on the floor. Those who were too far gone to rise lay there from necessity ; while those who, like the Man of Feeling, were glad of a pretence for escaping, fell into a dose from policy. While Mackenzie was in this state, he was alarmed by feeling a hand working about his throat, and called out. A voice answered, " Dinna be feared, sir, it's me." " And who are you?" " A'm the lad that louses the craavats. " 220 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. SHAKESPEARE A SCOTCHMAN. Here is one of Dean Ramsay's stories which is not in his Reminiscences:'*- — An Englishman was speaking one day to a Scotchman. The Scotchman said, *' It is not mere national pride if I say, what is a matter of fad, ^ viz., that my country is the finest in the world!" "Well," said John Bull, "if it be the finest, it is not the biggest. I suppose you'll allow that England is bigger than Scotland?" " 'Deed, sir," answered Sandy, " I'll allow nae sic a thing; for if oor grand hills were rolled out as flat as England is, Scotland wad be the bigger o' the twa!" "Well," retorted John Bull, "you'll acknowledge that Shakespeare was not a Scotchman?" Discomfited at this home-thrust, but not disheartened, he once more replied, "I'll acknowledge that Shakespeare \\o.^pairts (parts) that would justify the inference that he was a Scotchman." HE READ! It is a well-known fact (says J. C. Young) that Presbyterians, with few -exceptions, have an invincible repugnance to a sermon conned over and com- posed in the study, on the ground of its lacking spontaneity and the apparent impress of the Spirit. I have a distinct recollection, one Sunday, when I was living at Cults, and when a stranger was officiating for Dr Gillespie, observing that he had not proceeded five minutes with his " discourse," be- fore there was a general commotion and stampede. The exodus at last became so serious, that, conceiving something to be wrong, probably a fire in the manse, I caught the infection, and eagerly inquired of the first person I encountered in the churchyard what was the matter, and was told, with an expression of sovereign scorn and disgust, ' * Losh keep ye, young man ; hae ye eyes and see not ? Hae ye ears and hear not ? The man reads /" A USEFUL TOOTHPICK. Tom Campbell (says Jerdan) told an amusing story of an accident that had happened to him in a small country inn when travelling in Scotland. He had been stopped by the weather in the afternoon, had dined, and indulged him- self with a toothpick to wile away the idle after-hour. Enter chambermaid — "Sir, if ye please, are ye dune with the toothpick?" "Why do you ask? I suppose I may pick away as long as I like?" "Oh, dear, na, sir, for it belongs to the Club, and they hae been met amaist an hour ! " The disgust with which the instrument was thrown away may be more readily imagined than described. 1 We make no attempt to draw upon this familiar repository of "good things." ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 221 EASILY FKIGHTENED. Quaint terms (says Jerdan) often baffle the skill of tlie lawyer. On a trial for murder of an excise officer, an old rogue of a town carrier was giving evi- dence in favour of the smugglers where the affray ended so fatally. He swore that "a wee bit of a pistol was held up merely to frighten the officer," when [Henry] Erskine produced a huge horse pistol, to overwhelm the witness, and triumphantly asked him if that was the sort of engine merely to frighten people. "Idinna ken," was the answer; "some folks, like you, are easily frightened." OVER-PAID. Luttrell (says Moore) once told of an Irishman who, having jumped into the water to save a man from drowning, upon receiving sixpence from the person as a reward for the service, looked first at the sixpence, then at, him, and at last exclaimed, " By Jasus, I'm over-paid for the job." AT THEIR EASE. Luttrell also told a story of some Irish lady who had been travelling with her family, and on being asked whether they had seen Aix, answered, "Oh, yes! indeed ; very much at our as& everywhere." RINGING THE CHANGES. Dawson (says Moore) told a good story about the Irish landlord counting out the change of a guinea. ** 12, 13, 14 " (a shot heard) ; ** Bob, go and see who's that that's killed; 15, 16, 17" (enter Bob). "It's Kelly, sir." " Poor Captain Kelly, a very good customer of mine; 18, 19, 20 — there's your change, sir." FOR HIS DIVERSION. Some of Luttrell's Irish stories (says Sydney Smith) were most amusing. One : "Is your master at home, Paddy ? " " No, your honour." " Why, I saw him go in five minutes ago." ** Faith, your honour, he's not exactly at home, he's only there in the backyard a-shooting rats with cannon, your honour, for his devarsion." A PLEASANT FEMALE. They do nothing in Ireland (says Sydney Smith) as they would do else- where. "When the Dublin mail was stopped and robbed, my brother declares that a sweet female voice was heard behind the hedge, exclaiming, "Shoot the gintleman, then, Patrick, dear ! " 222 TREA SURY OF MODERN A NEC DO TE. BARRING THE BEEF. Moore writes in his Diary : — Abundance of Irish stories from Lattin ; some of them very good. A man asked another man to come and dine off boiled beef and potatoes with him. " That I will, " says the other ; '* and it's rather odd it should be exactly the same dinner I had at home for myself, barring the beef. " OPEN TO JUDGMENT. When O'Connell, in his last speech [1831], said, " I am open to conviction," some one in the crowd said, " and to judgment, I hope. " Moore tells the tale. BLACK ALREADY. Greville writes on one occasion : — Moore told several stories which I don't recollect. And this amused us : — Some Irish had emigrated to some West Indian colony ; the negroes soon learnt their brogue, and when another ship- load of Irish came soon after, the negroes, as they sailed in, said, '*Ah, Paddy, how are you?" "What," said one of them, **y're become black already ! " HE WANTED HIS SPECTACLES. Party spirit in Dublin (says Jerdan) was at one time attended by continual duels. It was upon one of these occasions that Giffard, the editor of the DiLh- lin Journal, being called out, appeared on the ground with his spectacles on. This was objected to by his adversary's second, and he was desired to take them off, which he did, exclaiming, *' By my soul, this is too bad. I could not see to shoot my own father without them ! " OUT OF THE WAY. Morgan John O'Connell, nephew of the agitator had (says Harrison) the ready wit of his country in a remarkable degree. We were walking by the Wey one day when an Oxford graduate, a Mr White, who had a taste for botany, plucked a flower {Balsamum impatiens) from the river, remarking that ** it was a very rare plant." " It is an out-of-the- Wey one, at any rate," was the instantaneous reply. IT BEAT EVERYTHING. Charles Kemble told the story of how, one day, he was followed up Sack- ville Street, Dublin, by two beggar women, between whom the following dia- logue passed, evidently with a veiw to his edification : — " Och, but he's an illgant man, is Misther Charles Kemble ! " " An', 'deed, so was his brudher, ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 223 Misther John, thin — a moighty foine man ! and to see his demanour, puttin' his hand in his pocket and givin' me sixpence, bate all the world ! " NO EXAGGERATION. A person, who shall be nameless, goes to purchase a horse of an Irish dealer. Buyer: ** Have you got a clever horse to show me?" Seller: "I have that, sir," Buyer (looking at a horse that is brought out for inspection): "Is he a good hunter?" Seller : "Is it a hunter, sir? Why, then, sir, I'll be open with ye. He's a craving oss, but he's what I call a flippant lepper (leaper). I might say he's the most intricTcate-leit oss in the north of Ire- land." Buyer: " Is he a good hack ?" Seller: ** Is it a hack you mane, sir? Well, sir, I'll be fair with ye. He could not, convaniently to himself, trot under sixteen miles the hour." Buyer: "And whereabouts is the figure?" Seller: "And is it the figure, sir? Then, I'll tell you, by the virtue of my oath, I should consider it my duty to go a hundred miles to call anny man out who would preshume to offer me less than £80 for him." Buyer : "Is he good at water?" Seller: "Is it wather, bedad?" (looking round, and standing up in his stirrups, and surveying the country, as if he were a stranger in these parts) — "Boys, is there anny canals about?" This story is narrated by J. C. Young. PARADOXES EVEN. Planche writes in one place:— A nobleman I met at dinner some time ago told us he had been shooting at a friend's place on the west coast of Ireland, and that the gamekeeper had indulged in the most exaggerated accounts of the quantity of every description of game upon his master's estate. Nothing that ever ran or flew that his lordship inquired about but was asserted by the man could be found there by hundreds and thousands. Having, for amuse- ment's sake, exhausted the catalogue of "fur and feather," probable or im- probable, and received the most positive assurance of the existence of every beast and bird in abundance, he asked, "Are there any paradoxes ? " This was rather a poser; but, after a moment's hesitation, the keeper answered undauntedly, "Bedad, then, your lordship may find two or three of them sometimes on the sand when the tide's out." "BUONO MANO." When I was in Italy (says Mark Boyd) a quarter of a century back, it used to be alleged that, pay an Italian postboy as liberally as you liked, he would still ask you for a " buono mano." The Irish Dublin carman is said to belong to the Italian school in this respect. The peculiarity came on the tapis at a 224 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. dinner party at Morrison's Hotel in Dublin, when one of the party present defended Paddy from what he considered an unjust imputation; and, in sup- port of his opinion, offered to bet his friends £10 that he would drive from their hotel to the Rotunda, at the top of Sackville Street, and back without any such importunity, one of the party to accompany him, as a guarantee that nothing ex curia was said to Paddy en route. Accordingly, an outside car was sent for, and started for the Rotunda, the rest of the party awaiting its return outside the hotel. Paddy set down his two passengers, and was presented with three half-crowns, being more than three times his fare. He turned them over in his hand, and then said, " Och, yer honour, can't you ^w^ make it the natc half-sovereign ?" HIS WIFE A WIDOW. Planche writes in another place: — My old fellow-traveller in Germany, him- self an Irishman, being on the box of an Irish mail-eoach on a very cold day, and observing the driver enveloping his neck in the voluminous folds of an ample ** comforter," remarked, "You seem to be taking very good care of yourself, my friend?" "Oh, to be sure I am, sir," answered the driver; " what's all the world to a man when his wife's a widdy ?" KO STRANGER THERE. Planchfe writes elsewhere: — An acquaintance of mine who frequently visited Ireland, and generally stopped and dined at the same hotel in Dublin, on his arrival one day, perceived a paper wafered on the looking-glass in the coffee- room, with the following written notice: — " Strangers are particularl}'- requested not to give any money to the waiters, as attendance is charged for in the bill." The man who had waited on him at dinner, seeing him reading this notice, said, " Oh, Misther ! sure that doesn't concern you in any way. Your QUITE SUFFICIENT. Raikes diarizes: — Glengall, talking at dinner to-day of his countrymen, and the ready wit of the lower orders in Ireland, said, " Old Lord Castlemaine was extremely rich, but a miser. One day he was stopping in his carriage to change horses at the inn at Athlone, when the carriage was surrounded by paupers imploring alms, to whom he turned a deaf ear, and drew up the glass. A ragged old woman in the crowd cried out, * Faith, an' it's no use ; ' but, going round to the other side of the carriage, she bawled out, in the old peer's hear- ing, * Plase you, my lord, just chuck one tinpenny out of your coach, and I'll answer it will trate all your friends in Athlone.'" ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 225 TOO BAD. " The mercy of God follow you !" exclaimed a beggar-woman in Dublin to a passing stranger ; "give a poor soul a halfpenny." ** I haven't got one." " Oh, the mercy of God follow — " "Go away, woman!" " And" (changing her tone and shaking her fist at him) '■^ niver overtake youT' This is one of Planch^'s stories. CONCLUSIVE. A Mrs Moll Harding kept the natest inn at Ballyroan, close to my father's house. I recollect (says Barington) to have heard a passenger (they are very scarce there) telling her "that his sheets had not been aired." With great civility Moll Harding begged his honour's pardon, and said: "They certainly were and Tnust have been well aired, for there was not a gentleman came to the house this last fortnight that had not slept in them !" HIS FAVOUPJTE GUNS. When (says Lord Wm. Lennox) my father was Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, among those who were on the most intimate terms with my family, were Mr Gun and his two daughters. These young ladies were as beautiful as they were talented, and of course were the objects of ill nature and spite to their less- favoured sex. The slightest attention paid to them by my father was severely commented upon by many a prim, stiff-necked old lady, and by many an an- tiquated spinster, who shook their heads, and exclaimed — "Dreadful! how shocking ! the poor Duchess ! who'd have thought it ! " with other pious and charitable ejaculations which such people usually indulge in. One night at the theatre, when a play, founded on Defoe's beautiful romance of "Robin- son Crusoe " was being performed, and the Viceroy, surrounded by his wife, sons, and daughters, was all intent upon the drama, the hero of the piece made his appearance in his savage dress, with two fowling-pieces under his arms, supposed to have been saved from the wreck. No sooner did the actor come forward, and was seen tracking the footsteps which he afterwards found to be those of his man Friday, than, amidst a breathless silence, a man called out from the upper regions — "Why, sure enough, if it an't the Lord-Lieu- tenant himself, with his two favourite gwns under his arms." MORE POINTED THAN POLITE. An anecdote connected with the Duke of Rutland, who, in 1784, was Lord- Lieutenant of Ireland, relates to a state visit paid by His Excellency to the Royal Theatre in Crow Street, now no longer in existence, when a man in the gallery shouted out: — " Who was seen last evening coming out of Poll Flana- 226 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. gan's house ?" meaning a female of rather unenviable notoriety in Dublin, and with whose charms the scandalmongers falsely hinted the Viceroy was captivated. The reply — "Manners, you blackguard!" Quick as it was (says Lord Wm. Lennox), it was more pointed than polite. FOREIGNERS. HIS TWENTIETH OF MARCH. Louis XVIII. (says Lady Davies) did not like Talleyrand,^ and none the more so because he felt that his own somewhat pedantic conversa- tion was overpowered by the Prince's brilliant intelligence. Sometimes a sharp though short encounter of words would take place between His Majesty and the great diplomatist ; and one of these encounters I remember to have occurred on a court day at the Tuileries when I was present. The King and the Duchess d'Angouleme were both receiving that day ; the rooms were almost full, and His Majesty appeared to be in most excellent spirits. Pre- sently Prince de Talleyrand came in, and it was soon rumoured that he had asked for leave of absence from the King. Now everybody in Paris at that time knew that Talleyrand, though separated from his wife, was often threat- ened by her with the assurance that she would insist on taking up her abode with him, if he did not at once send whatever sums of money she happened to require. So the King being in a merry mood, said, quite aloud, to the Prince, as the latter approached His Majesty, — " Why, Prince, I hear that, as Madame de Talleyrand has just arrived in Paris, you wish to leave ; " and as Lous XVIII. said this he laughed, his laugh being of course echoed in- stantly by the numerous courtiers present who had heard his words. But Talleyrand only bowed, and in a clear sonorous voice replied, — "Yes, your Majesty, it is my 20th of March." It was then the King's turn to get up a laugh at his own expense, but he merely coloured and looked annoyed, for few things galled him more than an allusion to his flight on the date just named— a flight caricatured at the time in Paris by a flock of geese waddling out from the Tuileries, while eagles were flying in. A ROYAL PUN. Louis XVIII. (says Raikes) always professed himself an esprit fort. My friend General Clari told me that, on the Sunday preceding his dissolution, 1 The famous French diplomatist; 5. 1754, d. 1S38. ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 227 the officer on guard at the Tuileries came to him as usual in the evening to receive the parole and the countersign to be given to the troops. It is cus- tomary on these occasions to give the name of a saint for the one and of a fortified town for the other. Louis, with a significant look, gave " St Denis and Gyvet " (J'y vais). He might be said to have died with a calemlourg in his mouth. "ALREADY?" Nobody's wit (says Sydney Smith) was of so high an order as Talleyrand's, or has so well stood the test of time. You remember when his friend Mont- rond was taken ill, and exclaimed, ' ' Mon ami, je sens les tourmens de I'enfer." *' Quoi ! dejk ?" was his reply. ^ A DOWNWARD TENDENCY. Talleyrand's hoins mots (says Raikes) always fly about. His friend Montrond has been subject of late to epileptic fits, one of which attacked him lately after dinner at Talleyrand's. While he lay on the floor in convulsions, scratch- ing the carpet with his hands, his benign host remarked with a sneer — " C'est qu'il me paralt, qu'il veut absolument descendre." ''YOU CAN SWIM!" When Talleyrand sat at dinner between Madame de Stael and Madame Recamier, the celebrated beauty, Madame de Stael, whose beauties (says Sydney Smith) were certainly not those of the person, jealous of his attentions to her rival, insisted upon knowing which he would save if they were both drowning. After seeking in vain to evade her, he at last turned towards her and said, with his usual shrug, "Ah, madam, vous savez nager." NEITHER ONE NOR THE OTHER. When some one exclaimed, "Me voila entre I'esprit et la beaute," Talley- rand answered, " Oui, et sans posseder ni I'un, ni 1' autre." BEGINS TOO SOON AND ENDS TOO LATE. Talleyrand said of a certain lady, "Oui, elle est belle, tres belle pour la toilette, cela commence trop tard and finit trop t8t." 1 " I find," says Lady Holland, " that Talleyrand used to tell this story as having passed between Cardinal De la Roche-Guyon, a celebrated epicure, and his confessor." 228 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. AGGRESSIVE BENEVOLENCE. Of Lord Holland, Talleyrand said, " C 'est la bienveillance memo, mais la bienveillance la plus perturbative que j'ai jamais connu." A M T. According to Raikes, Talleyrand said of Lady Holland, "EUe est tonte assertion, mais quand on demande la preuve, c'est la son secret." AN ENORMOUS LATITUDE. Talking in Talleyrand's presence (says Sydney Smith) to my brother Bobus,^ who was just then beginning his career at the bar, I said, "Mind, Bobus, when you are Chancellor I shall expect one of your best livings." "Oui, mon ami," said Bobus, " mais d'abord je vous ferai commettre toutes les bassesses dont les pretres sont capables." - On which Talleyrand, throwing up his hands and eyes, exclaimed with a shrug, " Mais quelle latitude enorme !" VERY CURIOUS. For several days (says Lord Balling and Bulwer) M. de Talleyrand saw, with- out recognizing, a well-dressed individual, with his hat in his hand, and bowing very low as he mounted the steps of his coach. "Etqui etes vous, mon ami?" he said at last. "Je suis votre cariossier, Monseigneur." "Ah! vous etes, mon cariossier; et que voulez vous, mon cariossier?" "Je veux etre paye, Monseigneur," said the coachmaker, humbly. "Ah, vous ^tes mon caitossier, et vous voulez etre paye ; vous serez paye, mon cariossier." "Et quand, Monseigneur?" "Hum!" muttered the bishop, looking at the coach- maker very attentively, and at the same time settling himself in his new carriage ; "vous etes bien curieux !" WHEN WILL IT END ? Talleyrand's (says the same authority) was the saying, cited by Chamfort, d, propos of Rulhieres,^ who, on observing that he did not know Avhy he wa? called ill-natured, for in all his life he had never done but one ill-natured action, was replied to by M. de Talleyrand's drily observing, '* Et quand finira-t-il 1 "— " When will it end ? " ^ » Robert. See p. 34. 2 "Le coni.dent du Marechal de Richelieu, le poete de la duchesse d'Egraont/' etc. •■ Recm-ded also by Raikes. ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 229 AT NINE. One evening, playing at long whist, the conversation turned on an old lady who had married her footman ; some people expressed their surprise, Avhen M, de Talleyrand, counting his points, drawled out in a slow voice, ' ' At nine, one does not count honours." EVERYTHING USEFUL. Talleyrand, speaking of the members of the French Academy, observed — "After all, it is possible they may one day or other do something remarkable. A flock of geese once saved the capital of Rome." A PREGNANT POSTSCRIPT. Talleyrand had a confidential servant excessively devoted to his interests, but withal superlatively inquisitive. Having one day entrusted him with a letter, the prince watched his faithful valet from the window of his apartment, and with some surprise saw him reading the letter en route. On the next day a similar commission was confided to the servant, and to the second letter was added a postscript, couched in the following terms : — " You may send a verbal answer by the bearer ; he is perfectly acquainted with the whole affair, having taken the precaution to read this previousto its delivery." WHAT HAD PASSED. A council of the ministry having sat three hours upon some important question, an eminent nobleman met Talleyrand as he came from the meeting, and asked, " Qui s'est il passe, dans ce conseil ? " to which the witty diploma- tist answered, " Trois heures !" LIKE THE BOOK. M. de Chateaubriand was no favourite with M. de Talleyrand. When the " Martyrs '* first appeared, it was run after by the public with an appetite which the booksellers could not satisfy. M. de Fontanges, after speaking of It with an exaggerated eulogium, finished his explanation of the narrative by paying that Endore and Cymodocee were thrown into tlie circus and devoured " par les bStes." ** Conime I'ouvrage," said M. de Talleyrand. TWO OF THEM. A distinguished personage (says the same authority) once remarked to Talleyrand, " In the Upper Chamber at least are to be found men possessed of consciences." "Consciences," replied Talleyrand, "to be sure; I know many a peer who has got two." 230 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. HE HAS STUDIED HIMSELF. Some persons saying that Fouche had a great contempt for mankind, " C'est vrai," said M. de Talleyrand; "cet homme s'est beaucoup etudie'." BITTER. On a certain occasion (says the Foreign Literary Gazette) a friend was conversing with Talleyrand on the subject of Mademoiselle Duchenois, the French actress, and another lady, neither of them remarkable for beauty. The first happens to have peculiarly bad teeth, the latter none at all. *' If Madame S ," said Talleyrand, "only had teeth she would be as ugly as Mademoiselle Duchenois. " OH! AND AH! Dedel told in Moore's presence of the Duchesse de Grammont, sister of the Due de Choiseul, coming to dinner, and on her passing the ante-room where Talleyrand was standing, he looked up and exclaimed significantly, "Ah!" In the course of the dinner, the lady having asked him across the table why he had uttered the exclamation of "Oh !" on her entrance, Talleyrand, with a grave, self-vindicatory look, answered, " Madame, .je n'ai pas dit, oh ! j'ai dit ah ! " Comical, very (adds Moore) without once being able to define why it is so. CIVIL V. MILITARY. Moore narrates the remark of the French military coxcomb to Talleyrand: "Nous appelons pequin tout ce qui n'est pas militaire." Also, Talleyrand's answer : " Et nous, nous appelons militaire tout ce qui n'est pas civil." IT WAS HIS FATHER. Lord John Russell told Moore that Bobus Smith one day, in conversation with Talleyrand, having brought in somehow the beauty of his mother, T. said, " C etait done votre pere qui n' etait pas bien ? " HELAS AND OH! OH! In Moore's Diary also we read the etory of the lady who wrote to Talleyrand, informing him, in high-flown terms of grief, of the death of her husband, and expecting an eloquent letter of condolence in return. His answer only, * ' Helas, Madame, votre afiectionne, etc., Talleyrand." In less than a year, another letter from the same lady informed him of her having married again, to which he returned an answer in the same laconic style : — "Oh ! Oh ! Madame ! votre affiBctionne, etc., Talleyrand." ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 231 HIS DEAFNESS EXPLAINED. In talking of Chateaubriand, and of his having got deaf lately, Lord Lansdovvne quoted in Moore's hearing Talleyrand's saying of him that *' II SB croit sourd parcequ' 11 n' entend plus parler de lui." TWO FEMALES. Crahb Robinson says that Professor Scott once related a mot of Talleyrand to Madame de Stael on occasion of her "Delphine," which was thought to contain a representation of Talleyrand in the character of an old woman. On her pressing for his opinion of that work, he said : "That is the work, is it not, in which you and I are exhibited in the guise of females ?" THE POST-CHAISE. Crabb Robinson also relates this: — "There is no middle course," said Charles X. to Talleyrand, "between the Throne and the Scaffold." "Your Majesty forgets the Post-chaise." AS YOU SEE. One of the readiest retorts by Talleyrand was made by him (says Harrison) at a time when Paris was in a very disturbed state, and everything there was going wrong. A person of some position who squinted horribly, addressed him one day with, "Ah, Monsieur le Prince ! comment vont les affaires ? " "Comme vous voyez, Monsieur," was the reply.^ IT DID NOT MATTER. The same authority says that Talleyrand once, in despatching two letters, put them into wrong envelopes, so that the letter intended for one correspond- ent went to the other. He discovered his mistake too late, but only remarked, " N' importe ! neither of them will believe me." SOMETHING RARE. General Flahault, who when young was bald, had received (says Gronow) * an invitation to dine with the Prince de Talleyrand, In the course of con- versation, he expressed to the Prince a desire to present something rare to a great lady as a mark of his esteem. Talleyrand replied — " Then present her with a lock of your hair." iThis is told by Jerdan also, but not so successfully. 3 Gronow also tells this storv of Montrond. 232 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. THE CHARLATAN. Fontaine, tlie architect who built the triumphal arch in the Carrousel, placed upon it (says Gronow) an empty car, drawn by the famous bronze Venetian horses. Talleyrand asked him — " Qui avez vous I'intention de mettre dans le char?" .The answer was — " L'Erapereur Napoleon, comme de raison." Upon which Talleyrand said — ** Le char Fattend." NOT "PARVENU"— "ARPtI YE." Some one (says Raikes) observed before Prince Talleyrand, that Thiers was Q. parvenu. His reply was : "Vous avez tort, il n'est pas parvenu, il est EXCEPT. Raikes records what he calls Talleyrand's severe remark on Maret, when he received his title under the empire : — "II ne connais pas de plus grande bete au monde que M. Maret, exeepte le Due de Bassano." SOME BONS-MOTS. The following (says Gronow) are some of Montrond's best sayings; the two first have been falsely attributed to Talleyrand : " La parole a ete donnee a I'homme pour Paider a cacher sa pensee." "Defiez-vous des premiers mouve- ments ; ils sont presque toujours bons." "S'il vous arrive quelque-chose d'heureux, ne manquez pas d' aller le dire a vos amis, afin de leur faire de la peine. " A GOOD REASON. According to the same authority, Emile de Girardin, the famous political writer, a natural son of Alexandre de Girardin, becoming celebrated, Montrond said to the father, " Depechez-vous de la reconnaitre, ou bientot il ne vous reconnaitra pas." SUPER-NATURAL. A friend, who was about to marry the natural daughter of the Duke de , was expatiating at great length on the virtues, good qualities, and talents of his future wife, but without making (says Gronow) any allusion to her birth. "A t'entendre," observed Montrond, "on dirait que tu epouses una fille swrnaturelle." ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 233 A PLAIN COUNTRY. Avery thin lady, with whom he had a violent quarrel, saying, "Qu'elle lui ferait voir du pays," Montrond, calmly surveying her from head to foot, replied, " Madame, ce serait du plat pays." This is also told by Gronow. QUERY. •The Bailli de Ferrette was always dressed in knee-breeches, with a cocked hat and court sword, the slender proportions of which (says Gronow) greatly resembled those of his legs. "Do tell me, my dear Bailli," said Montrond, one day, " have you got three legs or three swords ?" FULL OF ATTACHMENT. Montrond's death (says Gronow) was a very wretched one. Left alone to the tender mercies of a well-known ''lorette" of those days, Desiree R , as he lay upon his bed, between fits of pain and drowsiness, he could see his fair friend picking from his shelves the choicest specimens of his old Sevres china, or other articles of "virtu." Turning to his doctor, he said, with a gleam of his old fun, " Qu'elle est attachante, cette femme la !" BUSH AND ALLEN. Lord Allen (says Gronow) being rather the worse for drinking too much wine at dinner, teased Count D'Orsay,^ and said some very disagreeable things, which irritated him; when suddenly John Bush entered the club and shook hands with the Count, who exclaimed, " Voila la diffe'rence entre une bonne bouche et une mauvaise haUine." PEER AND PERE. The following Ion mot (says the same authority) was also attributed to the Count. General Ornano, observing a certain nobleman, who, by some mis- fortune in his youth, lost the use of liis legs, in a Bath chair, which h;- wheeled about, inquired the name of the English peer. D'Orsay answereu, ' ' Pere la Chaise, " TO PARDON HIM. Walpole says in one of his letters:— The Comte d'Artois, forgetting that \\U brother is king, treats him with all the familiarity of their nursery. It was thought necessary to correct this, and M. de Maurepas was commissioned to ' See iip. 37, 33. 234 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. give the hint. Being urged, he said the king would grow offended. " Well," said the prince, "and, if he is, que pent il me faire?" " Vous pardonner^ monsigneur," replied the minister. ^ THE PRECURSOR. Walpole says again: — One of the ladies to the Queen of France announced to her that the Comtesse d'Artois was enceinte. The Queen was a little piqued and envious, and, to conceal it, said, "I wonder what the child will be called?" The lady answered, "Ihope, madam, le Precurscur.''^ NOTHING BURNS LIKE DRY LAURELS. Madame de Coigny (says Walpole), on hearing that the mob at Paris had burnt the bust of their late favourite. Monsieur rEpremenil, said, *' II n'y a rien qui brule si tot que les lauriers sees. " ALL IN HER HAIR. Moore relates another good mot of Madame de Coigny's, about some woman who had red hair and all its attendant ill consequences, and of whom some one said that she was very virtuous: " Oui, elle est comme Samson ; elle a toutes ses forces dans ses cheveux." IT WAS SO LIKE HIM. Moore gives the following anecdote, told by Croker, as one of the happiest things he ever heard. Fenelon, who had teased Richelieu (and ineffectually it would seem) for subscriptions to charitable undertakings, was one day tell- ing him that he had just seen his picture. " And did you ask it for a sub- scription," said Richelieu, sneeringly. " No, I saw there was no chance,"' replied the other ; "it was so like you. " • IT WAS HE! It is in Moore's Diary that we read the story of an Englishman giving a carte of a restaurateur (which he happened to have in his pocket), instead of his passport, and the gen cVarme^ maliciously reading it and looking at him : " Tete de veau; pied de cochon! 9a suffit, Monsieur, c'est vous." 1 Writing to the Countess of Ossory, Walpole adds : — " If you don't admire this mort than any reply in your Diogenes Laertius, or ancient authors, I will never tell your lady- ship another modern story." ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 235 IN MUTTON AND VEAL. A French bookseller told Benson, speaking of two books that he had in hia hand, ** This is bound in mutton, sir, and this in veal." FACTS. Benjamin Constant (says Moore), on some one asking him (with reference to his book on religion) how he managed to reconcile the statements of his latter volumes with those of his first, published so long ago, answered, '* II n'y a rien qui s' arrange aussi facilement que les faits." A VICIOUS CIRCLE. Lord L said to Moore he had been told by Maury that, one time whea Mirabeau was answering a speech of his, he put himself into a reasoning atti- tude, and said, " Je m' en vais renfermer M. Maury dans un cercle vicieux;" upon which Maury started up and exclaimed, "Comment! veux-tu m' em- brasser ? " which had the effect of entirely disconcerting Mirabeau. TRANSLATING. Miss N mentioned, in Moore's hearing, a French lady, of whom she inquired, by way of compliment, ' ' in what manner she had contrived to- speak English so well?" and the answer was, " I began by traducing.^' YAWNING AND HISSING. Moore records: — D mentioned Piron's reply to Voltaire, on his boasting that he did not hiss his tragedy: " Quand on bailie, on ne siffle pas." A PRINCE OF PEAS. Moore gives this as one of Fox's stories: — The Prince de Poix, stopped by a sentry, announced his name. "Prince de Poix!" answered the sentry;, " quand nous seriez le Roi des Haricots, vous ne passeriez pas par ici." POOR LITTLE BEAST ! You remember (says Sydney Smith) the story of the French marquise, who^ when her pet lap-dog bit a piece out of her footman's leg, exclaimed, " Ah^ poor little beast ! I hope it won't make him sick." 236 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. TO-DAY, FOR EXAMPLE. Denon told Moore an anecdote of a man, who, having been asked repeatedly to dinner by a person whom he knew to be but a shabby amphitryon, went at last, and found the dinner so meagre and bad that he did not get a bit to eat. When the dishes were removing, the host said, "Well, now the ice is broken, I suppose you will ask me to dine with you some day ?" " Most willingly." ' ' Name your day, then. " ' ' Aujourd' hui, par exemple, " answered the dinner- less guest. HIS POOH MASTER. Such (says Sydney Smith) is the horror the French have of our cuisine^ that, at the dinner given in honour of Guizot at the Athenseum, they say his cook was heard to exclaim, "Ah, mon pauvre maitre ! je ne le reverrai plus." BREVITY ITSELF. The letter of a celebrated Frenchwoman to her husband is (says Hayward) a model of conciseness: " Je commence, parce que je n'ai rien h. faire : je finis, parce que je n'ai rien a dire." THE LEAST CHRISTIAN POSSIBLE. It being asked at Paris (says Haydon) whom they would have as godfather for Rothschild's baby, " Talleyrand, " said a Frenchman. "Pourquoi, Mon- sieur?" " Parce qu'il est le moins chretien possible." ENOUGH! ENOUGH! One day (says Lady Davies) Prince Talleyrand and my father went to the Colisee. This was a promenade where the nobility and persons of position only were admitted, and without an introduction no one could go in. The gate-keeper did not hold Prince Talleyrand in anything like the respect due to the future great diplomatist of Europe, and my father was so young and so fair that, notwithstanding his unifonn, he thought Prince Talleyrand's com- panion was a young lady in disguise, and cried out — " Vous ne pouvez pas passer. Mademoiselle," and held the gate closed. Talleyrand, thinking it an excellent joke, with a most serious expression turned to my father, saying — ** Tu vois, ma mie, tu ne peux pas entrer." Upon this the gate-keeper came boldly forward to my father, to interpose his stern authority, when my father, taking his sword, gave him such a thrashing with the flat side of it, that, capering about in pain, he cried out — " C'est assez, c'est assez — ah passez, Monsieur, ah passez. Monsieur." Talleyrand was perfectly delighted, although I was told he did not even smile. ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 237 A KNOTTY QUESTION. Lady Davies writes :— My grandmother and my aunt, Lady Emilia Drum- mond, were one day in attendance upon Her Majesty, being, like the rest of the more demure members of the Court, in open carriages. But the Queen was riding on a donkey, as indeed were various of her younger favourites. Suddenly, however, the whole cavalcade was stopped, for Marie Antoinette's donkey, having felt a sudden inclination to roll on the green turf, had thrown its royal rider, and she, being quite unhurt, remained seated on the ground, laughing immoderately. As soon, however, as she could command her countenance, she assumed a mock gravity, and, without attempting to rise from her lowly position, commanded that the Grand Mistress of the Cere- monies should at once be brought to her side. Nobody could imagine what Her Majesty was about either to say or do ; but when the lady thus suddenly summoned to her presence, stood, in no good temper and with dignified aspect before her, she looked up and said — " Madam, I have sent for you that you may inform me as to the etiquette to be observed when a Queen of France and her donkey have both fallen — which of them is to get up first ?" THE CHIEF "GANACHE." One day (says Lady Davies) Napoleon, having been provoked by her father,, the Emperor of Austria, declared- to Marie Louise that he was "an old ganache " (blockhead). Her Majesty asked one of her ladies-in-waiting, as she said the Emperor had called her father by that name, the meaning of the word ganache, and the lady, not knowing what to say in reference to the Em- press's own father, answered that it meant "a venerable old man." Marie Louise believed this, and afterwards, when Cambaceres came to pay his respects to her, she, wishing to be very complimentary to him, said, "Sir, I have always regarded you as the chief ganache of France." UP A CHIMNEY. An Englishman and a Frenchman had to fight a duel. That they might have the better chance of missing one ar other, they were to fight in a dark room. The Englishman fired up the chimiey, and, by Jove! he brought down the Frenchman ! ^ 1 Rogers used to add :" When I tell this story in Paris, I put the Englishman up the- chimney !" 238 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. A UNIQUE EPISTLE. The [following] letter will tell its own tale. It lias not the date of the year in which it was written ; but the original, which was sent (says J. C. Young) to a friend of my father's, was given him by the proper owner as a curiosity. '' C D s Priory, Aug. 27, till Sept. 10, that I shall go at Lady E. F . My dear E , — I am shameful to have not had the pleasure to entertain you since you have with disdain abandon London ; but the respect to which I am indebted for your eldest sister had oblige me to think of her Ladyship before you. i hope that you have a better weather during your excursion on the lacs than that we have here ; for almost every day the tunder is rolling upon our head with noise that should faint you, being as coward as a turkey ; but what is more tiresome is the lamentations of peoples, which seeing the rains fall all the days, predict us with famine, plage, and civil wars, by the scarcity of bread, but it is a great error, for the harvest look very well. Be not surpriz'd i write so perfectly well in English, but once i am here, i speak and hear speaking all the day English ; and during the nights, if some rats or mouses trouble me, i tell them go Ion, and they obey, understanding per- fectly my English. Sir G e is suffering with a rheumatism. Lady H e who have the pretension to be a very good Physitien, but who is very ignorant, after that he have yesterday well breakfast, has given him a physic, and after he have dined she gave him another, and she desire that he take a walk, au clair de la lune, in place of to be near good fire. No : a dog or cat would be more prudent. Before yesterday, the brother having eat and drank too much, and being tormented with a strong indigestion, my lady gave him 8 grains of James Powder, the unhappy brother was near to die, and one was obliged to send to a physitien at Shelford, who arriving, found him so well, that he judged it best to wait if the nature would save him or not ; but happily, being a strong nature, he was restored. Lady H e, the best of women, is the worst of Physitien. She had killed some year ago a, superb ox with James powder ; and, on another occasion, having received 24 turkeys very fatigued to have walked to foot a too long journey, she contrive to refresh them to give them some huile de castor; but 12 of that number died, and the rest did look melancholy, so long as they did live, i have re- ceive at this moment a letter from Lady S n. i put my thanks at her feet. As the post go at 2 o'clock, i have not time to write to her ladyship, but I will comply soon with the liberty she gave me. Be sure that I have not for- got Lady S n in my prayers, though not so good as I could wish indeed. Believe the faithful friendship that I feel for you, my dear sister-in-law, since that you were so much high than my finger. Write me often and my old wife. Believe me that I love a friendly letter more than a purse of guinea*. Yours, Comte De C z." ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 239 THE LIBERTY OF THE PRESS. Some of the last masquerades at private houses were given (says Lady Chat- terton) by my aunt, in Arlington Street, before I was born there. At the last of these, Madame de Stael Avas present. She had just arrived in England to escape from Parisian censorship, and publish her works out of the protect- ing shade of a gendarme's cocked hat. At one moment, the crowd being ex- cessive, Madame de Stael remarked to my mother, " II parait qu' on souff're meme ici de la liberte de la presse." .. A MAN OF THE CENTURY. C. de M , one of the most fashionable at the same time, one of the cleverest, young men of the Restoration, had a singular taste of being in love with two ladies, each old enough to be his mother — the one a Duchess, the other a celebrated actress. When the Duchesse de Berrie asked him whether it was really true that his taste was for old women, he replied, " Oui Madame, je suis I'homme du siecle." LES DIABLES ANGLAIS. Gronow writes: — One of our countrymen, having been introduced by M. de la Rochefoucauld to Mademoiselle Bigottini, the beautiful and graceful dancer, in the course of conversation with this gentleman, asked him in what part of the theatre he was placed; upon which he replied, " Mademoiselle, dans wie loge rttie,''' instead of "grillee." The lady could not understand what he meant, until his introducer explained the mistake, observing, "Ces diables d' Anglais pensent toujours a leur Rosbif." AN EPIGRAM. The original of Tartuffe (says Raikes) was one Roquette, who was much more of a polisson than a priest, and who belonged to the diocese of Autun. This circumstance has suggested the following epigram on Talleyrand : — " Roquette dans son terns, Talleyrand dans le notre, Furent eveques d' Autun ; TartufTe est le surnom de 1' un— Ah ! si Moliere eut connu I'autre." FOR QUIETNESS' SAKE. Raikes says in his Diary : — The Princess de T died yesterday, aged seventy-four; she was formerly Madame Grand, a Creole, very handsome, but very stupid ; her witty husband said that he took her four se reposer V esprit. 240 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. SIMPLY PICKPOCKETS. Jerdan writes : — I had dropt in at the Strand about two o'clock, about some- thing or other, when Wx A. insisted on my staying to eat "suberb saur prout " with a fine German boy, the son of a nobleman, just imported. I con- sented, and we chatted together till long past the dinner hour, for which Ackermann and his stomach were particulavly punctual. His nephew (?) and the young noble had gone out in the morning to see lions, and had not returned. We waited, and waited, till near three o'clock (an hour over time), when my host, unable to contain his anger and hunger any longer, ordered dinner, and we sat down to excellent rotten cabbage, but washed down with sensible muzzle and schnaps. About the middle of ttie repast, the young gentlemen made their appearance, and were told to sit down and feed, with the politeness, and in the tone which might become an incensed bear. How- ever, as our host's appetite got appeased, his temper improved, and by the time the cloth was removed, the bumpers of muzzle had converted frowns into smiles, and at length I heard his cavernous issue of the question, ' ' Veil, l^oisse (boys), vere ave you been, and vat ave you see ?" The youngsters, delighted by this condescension, burst out in answer, the lead being taken by the nephew, who spoke as follows: — *'0h, mine oncle ! after ve ave see two mans ahenging at Old Belly — vat a crowds! — ve go to de riveri to dox at Yoolvitch to see de launch of de great sheep — vat a crowds! — and oh, mine oncle, vat a ihany billa box." *' Billa box," repeated Ackermann, "vat you mean by billa box?" "Oh, sare," broke in the stranger, "so I ave been only a veeks in Engleland, I thinks I gan spake de langidge better as he. He means Bocca bills!" "Billa box, Bocca bills," muttered Ackermann. "Vat de divels does you mean ? Say it in Yarman!" which they immediately did; and thus informed, he turned 'laughing loudly to me, and exclaimed "0, mine Kodds, vat you tink dey means ?" I had not heard, and could not tell; and their interpreter, still convulsed with laughter, sputtered out, " Vy, dey means big boggets ! " Not to lengthen the story, for some time longer unin- telligible to me, I at last discovered that billa box, and bocca bills, and bigg boggets, all and sundry, meant simply pickpockets ! A RARITY. Mark Boyd records the answer the German innkeeper gave to a former Duke of Brunswick, who, while travelling, had stopped his suite to breakfast at his auberge. When the duke called for his bill, he observed an enormous charge for eggs, and sent for the landlord, holding the bill in his hand. "Why, eggs must be very scarce in this country?" "Oh no, your Serene Higlmess, eggs are not at all scarce, but grand dukes are ! " ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 241 THEIR EXCELLENCIES. Charles Mayne Young, the actor, says: — A magistrate of the canton of Berne, seeing Voltaire for the first time, keeps his seat, fixes his spectacles firmly on his nose, and says, "Ah! ah! c'est a donk fous \sic\ Mons. de Voltaire qui se permettra de dire tout des mauvaises choses du bon Dieu. Je ne vous conseille pas d'en dire de leurs excellences de Berne." PRAYER IN DETAIL. The same authority declares: — A Genevese, fishing in a tub close to the shore, finds himself unexpectedly driven some distance from the land by a sudden gust of wind, and, fearing the frailty of his vessel, he says, " Seigneur Dieu, Pere Eternel, ayez pitie de ton serviteur Jean Douron q's 'trouve dans la plus grand infortune. Ce n'est pas c'lui la, derriere la Rhone, c'est lui la qui demeure rue du temple, t'entends-tu ?" A RISE. The Italian who had the honour of teaching Geerge III. the violin, on being asked (says Hayward) by his royal pupil what progress he was making, observed: — "Please your Majesty, there are three classes of players — 1, those who cannot play at all ; 2, those who play badly ; 3, those who play well. Your Majesty is just rising into the second class." HE HAD A START. When Macleane, the principal of Brighton College, was at Trinity College, Cambridge, he one day met the Marquis Spoleto, a teacher of Italian, and a refugee, and thhs accosted him, — "Have you many pupils this term?" " Vel, I 'ave vone in Hebrew." "Dear me," said Macleane, " I had no idea you knew Hebrew." "Vel, no; not exactly. But then, you see, we do not begin for vone five veek." The story is told by J. C. Young. "NOT SO THE RESPECT," &o. Lord L. mentioned in Moore's presence the conclusion of a letter from a Dutch commercial house, as follows: — "Sugars are falling more and more every day; not so the respect and esteem with which we are," &c., &c. SOME OF HER EYES. "We read in Young's Diary : — Dined with Count Danniskiold. The Count is a Dane of high rank, an accomplished man, and one of the most elei^jant dancers in Europe. He speaks English admirably, and rarely makes a blunder Q 242 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. However, he made an amusing one [one] night. He was being bantered on having paid marked attention to one of the Miss C 's, a young lady in the neighbourhood, reputed rich, but rather plain. On some one saying, " You can't admire her looks, Count!" he replied in a deprecating tone, "Come, come — you are a leetle hard upon me. She may not be beautiful, but, I must say, I tink she has a sweet expression in some of her eyes. " IT WAS SAFER. Moore relates in his Diary : — During breakfast arrived Count Krasinksi, an intelligent Polish refugee, and man of letters. Remarked that there was a strong similarity between the Poles and the Irish, and mentioned as an in- stance of this, a countryman of his, who having, on some occasion, knocked a man down for being, as he thought, insolent to him, was expostulated with for having done so by some friend, who remarked that, after all, what the man had said to him was not so very offensive. " No, it was not," answered the other; " but still it was safer to knock him down." A COMPARISON. A distinguished diplomatist from the United States of America, a very genial and social being, soon after his arrival in London (says F. Locker), made the round of the sights, Madame Tussaud's among the number. *' And what do you think of our waxwork?" said a friend. "Well," replied the General, " it struck me as being very like an ordinary English party." WHAT THEY WANTED. Moore recounts the anecdote of a Swiss and a Brabanter talking together, and the latter reproaching the Swiss with fighting for money, \,'hile he (the Bra- banter) fought for honour. "The fact is," answered the Swiss dryly, "we each of us fight for what each most wants." ^ A CRUEL DECEIVER. An extract from Moore's Diary : — Clutterbuck's story of the old lady (his aunt) is excellent. Being very nervous, she told Sir W. Farquhar she thought Bath would do her good. ' ' It's very odd," says Sir W. ; " but that's the very thing I was going to recommend to you. I will write the particulars of your case to a very clever man there, in whose hands you wiU be well taken care of." The lady, furnished with the letter, sets off, and on arriving at 1 Moore adds, "An old story this." ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 243 Newbury, feeling as usual very nervous, she said to her confident : — ** Long as Sir "Walter has attended me, he has never explained to me what ails me. I have a great mind to open his letter and see what he has stated of my case to the Bath physician." In vain her friend represented to her the breach of confidence this would be. She opened the letter, and read, "Dear Davis, keep the old lady three weeks, and send her back again." THE VERY FIRST. Another extract from Moore's Diary : — When GaUy Knight was first in- troduced to old Dr Denman, the doctor said, *'I have had the pleasure of seeing Mr Knight before." **I do not remember," rejoined Gaily, "having ever had the honour of meeting you." "The truth is, young gentleman," said Denman, "I was the first person that ever saw you." GENUINELY GRATIFIED. Yet another extract from Moore's Diary : — Story of a sick man teUing his symptoms (which appeared to himself, of course, dreadful) to a medical friend, who, at each new item of the disorder, exclaimed "Charming!" "Delightful!" "Pray go on !" and when he had finished, said with the utmost pleasure — "Do you know, my dear sir, you have got a complaint which has been for some, time supposed to be extinct ? " HE LIKED PUTTY. Mr Lee, the artist, told J. C. Young a delicious story of Constable, the artist. On one of the days previous to the opening of the Royal Academy, when Academicians have the privilege of touching up their pictures. Constable w"ut to look at what Stanfield was doing. He praised the picture on which he happened to be engaged, and took particular notice of the sky as boldly and originally treated. Shortly after, he went up to Reinagle and asked him what he thought of Stanfield's picture. "I have not seen it," said Reinagle. "Then go and see it, I beg of you!" continued Constable; "you never saw such a thing. Pray take notice of the sky, it is just like putty." Presently Reinagle walked up in front of Stanfield's picture, and, as he looked at it, quite taken by surprise, exclaimed aloud, "Why! / like the sky." "What do you mean," asked Stanfield, "by expressing yourself in that tone ? Why should you not like the sky?" "Oh! I was ofi" my guard when I spoke in that way," replied Reinagle, "but the fact is that I was told it was like putty." " Who told you so ? " said the wounded painter. "Constable," was the answer. Stanfield, stung to the quick by hearing of this depreciatory criticism from such a quarter, goes up to the author of it, and says, " Constable, you are a 244 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. hum1)ug ! you came up to my picture just now and praised it. I never asked your oi)inion about it ; but you said, particularly, that you likedj the sky ; and then you go off to Reinagle and tell him that it is like putty ! " "Well," was the reply, " what of it ? I like putty ! " "WHAT A DONKEY!" There are degrees of immortality (says Haydon). On leaving Petworth, and when waiting for the coach to return to Brighton, a man of the village came up, looked hard at me, and said, "I beg your pardon, sir, but are you the great painter? " "Well, I don't know about that exactly." "But, sir, did you paint the picture of Christ entering into Jerusalem?" "Yes, my friend, I did." "Ah, sir, that was a picture — that was a picture — and — what a donkey!" A DRAWBACK. W. H. Harrison says : — The father of L , a distinguished artist, was complimented by a friend on the talents and reputation of his son, and on the comfort he must be to his father. " Yes," was the reply, "he is a very good son — a very good son, if he did not swear at his mother so. " WHY? Barham tells of Dignum, the vocalist, an anecdote which he first heard from Neild, the lay vicar of St Paul's. Dignum, it seems, was complain- ing one morning to old Knyvett, the king's composer, that his health was much impaired, and what was very extraordinary, that so strong a degree of sympathy existed between him and his brother, that one was no sooner taken ill than the other felt symptoms of the same indisposition, whatever it might be. "We are both of us very unwell now," added Dignum, "and as our com- plaint is supposed to be an affection of the lungs, we are ordered to take asses' milk ; but unfortunately we have not been able to get any, though we have tried all over London ; can you tell us what we had better do I" " Do," answered Knyvett, "why the deuce don't you suck one another?" WHOSE WAS IT? At a musical soirie in Paris, at which Rossini was present, a lady possessing a magnificent soprano voice and remarkable facility of execution, sang the great maestro's well-known aira, " Una voce," with great effect, but overladen with fioriture of the most elaborate description. Rossini, at its conclusion, ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 245 advanced to the piano and complimented the lady most highly upon her vocal j)0wers, terminating his encomiums (says Planche) with the cruel inquiry: ' ' Mais de qui est la musique ? " HAPPY CEILmG ? On another occasion (says Planche) at a concert, a very indifferent tenor, who sang repeatedly out of tune, was indiscreet enough to express his regret to Eossini that he should have heard him for the first time in that room, as he complained: "Le plafond est si sourd." Rossini raised his eyes to the abused ceiling, and simply ejaculated : " Heureux plafond ! " SURELY AND CHORLEY. Chorley, writing of Mendelssohn, gives the following illustration of the composer's gaieU de cxur — trifling enough in itself, but yet characteristic of the man. While spending an evening at his house, a note with a ticket enclosed was put into Chorley's hand. The note ran thus: — "The Directors of the Leipzig Concerts beg leave to present to Mr Shurely a ticket of the concert of to-morrow." Whereupon, writes Chorley, Mendelssohn ran to the piano- forte, and began to play the subject from the chorus of the "Messiah," " Surely he hath borne," &c. JUSTLY INDIGNANT. I once presided (Jerdan represents a man as saying) over a jolly company, when it was more customary than it now is — and the more's the pity — to call upon every guest in turn for a song or a tale, under the penalty, in case of refusal or non-compliance, of a strong tumbler of salt and water. I, at last, came to a contumacious chap, who protested that he could neither sing a song nor tell a tale. This would not pass with me, and especially as I had my eye upon this Billy for some time, and did not at all like his jeering leers and scoflBng manners. So I said to him peremptorily, '' Well, sir, if ye can do neither the one nor the other, you must oblige me by tossing off the tumbler I will now order to be brought to you." "Stop," he cried hastily, *'let me try first." Silence ensued, and he proceeded: — " There was once a thief who chanced to find a church door open, of which carelessness he took advantage and stepped in, not to worship, but to carry off whatever of portable he could find. He put the cushions under his arms, hid as much as he could, and im- pudently wrapt the pulj)it cloth about him like a plaid. But, lo and behold, whilst he was thus employed the sexton happened to pass by, and see- ing the church door open, got the key and locked it ; so that when our sacrilegious friend thought he had nothing to do but to slip out as he 246 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. slipt in, he discovered that he was a close prisoner and all egress stopped. What to do he knew not ; but at last it struck him that he might succeed in letting himself down to the ground by the bell-rope. Accordingly, with it in hand, he swung gently off ; and you may be certified set up a ringing that alarmed the neighbourhood. In short, he was captured with his booty upon him as soon as he reached mother earth ; upon which, looking up to the bell, as I now look up to your lordship, he remonstrated, * Had it not been for your long tongue and empty head, I might have escaped ! ' " ESPECIALLY POTATOES. There is no doubt bulls are occasionally perpetrated by others than natives of Ireland, as in the case of the English viceroy, who advised that "the greatest economy was necessary in the consumption of all species of grain, especially of potatoes. " AN UGLY FAMILY. I recollect, when a boy (says Captain Gronow), seeing a strange couple, a Mr and Mrs Turbeville, who were famed for their eccentricities. Mr Turbe- ville was related to Sir Thomas Picton, but did not possess the talent or dis- cretion of the gallant General. Upon one occasion, at a dinner at Dunraven Castle, after the ladies had retired, Mr Turbeville observed to a gentleman present, that the woman who had sat at his right was the ugliest he had ever seen ; upon which the gentleman said, " I am sorry to hear that you think my wife so ill-looking." "Oh, no, sir, I have made a mistake ; I meant the lady who sat on my left." "Well, sir, she is my sister." "It can't be helped, sir, then ; for, if what you have said is true, I must confess I never saw such, an ugly family during the course of my life." A CULTIVATOR OF RELIGION. To Justice Park's brother, who was a great church goer, some one (says Moore) applied the words, ^^ Parens deorum cultor."^ "LONG MAY SHE REMAIN SO." I have heard (says Lord William Lennox) of a post-prandial speaker who, wishing to pay a compliment to the land of his birth, shouted out, "England is an island — England is an island ;" then, forgetting the fervent eulogium h© was about to make, abruptly concluded by saying, " and long may she re- main so." 1 Horace, Odes, I., xxxiv. ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 247 ACCOMMODATING. Colley Cibber's brother told Dr Sim. Burton on a visit, " that he did not know any sin he had not been guilty of but one, which was avarice ; and if the doctor would give him a guinea, he would do his utmost to be guilty of of that too." ONE FOR THE FRENCHMAN. Mr Hayward tells how a Frenchman, dining with an Englishman, let drop the remark, " I eat a great deal of bread with my meat." "Yes," was the reply, " and a great deal of meat with your bread." DE OYLEY AND DE-UMPLING. A conceited man, of the name of D'Oyley, having said that he wished to be called De Oyley, somebody at dinner (says Moore) addressed him thus : "Mr De Oyley, will you have some De-umpling?" A DEUCED ODD PLAY. I wish (says Fanny Kemble) to preserve a charming instance of naive ignor- ance in a young guardsman, seduced by the enthusiasm of the gay society of London into going, for once, to see a play of Shakespeare's. After sitting dutifully through some scenes in silence, he turned to a fellow guardsman, who was painfully looking and listening by his side, with the grave remark, " I say, George, dooced odd play this ; it's all full of quotations." NOT COME AGAIN. An Englishman of letters and politics, at his solitary dinner in an Old Bailey beef-shop, ate seven pounds and a half of solid meat, sliced from a round of boiled beef. As his customer ate (says Lord William Lennox), the keeper of the shop regarded him with increasing anger, for diners at the estab- lishment were at liberty to eat as much as they pleased for a stated sum. "Excellent beef!" said the gourmand, graciously, when he at length rose from his seat; "a man may cut and come again here." "You may cuU sir," responded the purveyor of dinners, " but I'll be blowed if you shall cmne again." A PARTY OF TWO. A story I once heard (says the same writer), the scene of which was at Avignon in France:— "By my faith," said the President of the Tribunal to an interested auditor, " we have just had a superb turkey, tender as a chicken, 248 TREASUR V OF MODERN ANECDO TE. fat as an ortolan, aromatic as a thrush. By my faith we left nothing but its bones." "And how many were there of you ?" inquired the curious hearer. " Only two," answered the gourmet, Vfiih. a self-complacent smile. "Only two !" ejaculated the simple auditor with amazement. " P]fecisely so," the lawyer answered. "Only two. There was myself, and there was — the turkey." A PLAINTIVE INQUIRY. Scott told Moore of a Jew in some small theatre, saying at the very moment when the whole audience was in still and breathless attention to the sorrows of Mrs Beverley,^ " I should like mosh to know who dat was dat spat in my eye. " AN EPIGRAM. I do not know (says J. C. Young) who is the author of the following lines, but they were sent to me by a very charming person, who, for aught I know to the contrary, may have been the author of tliem. They were written, I need hardly say, in allusion to the case of "The Plaintiff," Sir Roger Tich- bome : — " The firm of Baxter, Rose, aud Norton, Deny the plaintiff's Arthur Orton ; But can't deny, what's more important. That he has done what Arthur oughtn't." THE THREE PER CENT. CONSOLS. At a city dinner (says Jerdan), so political that "the Three Consuls" of France were drunk, the toast-master, quite unacquainted with Buonaparte, Cambaceres, and Lebrun, holloaed out from behind the chair — "Gentlemen, fiU bumpers! the chairman gives 'The Three Per Cent. Consols !' " THE DUTY OFF. A young friend of mine (says Harrison) liad an appointment with Christal, the artist. His father, however, wanted him to accompany him elsewhere. "But," remonstrated the son, "it is a sort of duty to Christal to go to him." "Nonsense," rejoined the elder, "there is no duty in the case ; it was taken off glass by the late Act." 1 In the ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 249 HE WOULD NOT DINE. At the end of the last and beginning of the present century, few of the great London merchants (says Boyd) had their private residences in the West End. They lived chiefly in the city, or in the suburbs. There was, however, an exception, one whose exercise for six days in the week was his walk into and out of the city. Moreover, he dined in the city, immediately on 'Change closing, returning for an hour afterwards to his counting-house to sign his letters, and see the transactions of the day complete. He was a stately and methodical personage in all he said and did. He had for years dined at a coffee-house in St Paul's, and his habit was in the morning, on his way east- ward, to enter the coffee-room and address the head waiter thus, from which he was only once known to make a deviation : — " Well, John, and what have you got for dinner to-day?" "A nice slice of Thames salmon, sir ; soup as always, and haunch o' mutton, sir." "Then, John, I shall dine with you to-day, you may depend upon it." These questions and the answers were almost as well known to the frequenters of the coffee-house as the establish- ment itself. One July morning, under a broiling sun, the great merchant entered as usual. "Well, John, and what have you got for dinner to-day ?" "Werrynice dinner indeed, sir, to-day; ain't it vonderful hot, sir?" the perspiration pouring down John's face. *' Sir, there's a beautiful salmon, sir, two kinds o' soup, sirloin o' beef, turkey and sausages ; the burial people, sir, dine with us to-day." "The burial people, John?" "Yes, sir, the poor gemman vat died in the room over this of putrid fever on Tuesday is to be buried to-day, as ve fears 'e von't keep no longer." "Then (hurrying to the door), John, 1 shall not dine with you to-day, you may depend upon it." EATING HIS DEEDS. Barham records this story of Edward Walpole, who, being told one day at the Garrick that the confectioners had a way of discharging the ink from old parchments by a chemical process, and then making the parchment into isin- glass for their jellies, said, " Then I find a man may now eat his deeds as well as his words." "This," adds Barham, "has been very unfairly attributed to James Smith." A BAD CONUNDRUM. At a gathering at which Moore was present, they talked of Sir Alexander M and his son, on whom the following conundrum was made : — "Why is Sir A. like a Lapland winter ?" "Because he is a long night (knight), and his sun (son) never shines.''* 250 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. SOME OF THEM, THAT WAY ! Mr Nightingale walked one day into the shop of Saunders & Otley, and Degan to tell one of the persons behind the counter that he considered him- self very ill-used ; for that he had subscribed for years to their library, and yet never could get any of the new works that came out : whereas, friends of his who had not subscribed twelve months, were accommodated with all the best books of the season. On hearing the angry tone and language of Mr N. , a highly respectable gentleman came from the inner shop, and said that "if Mr N. were dissatisfied, he had his redress in his own hands ; he had better withdraw his name from the list of subscribers." On this the old gentleman became exceeding wroth, winding up a somewhat intemperate speech with these words : — "There, sir I now you know my mind as to your conduct. I think I have spoken pretty freely, but in case I have not — I don't know who you are — but, if you are Saunders, hang Otley ! and if you are Otley, hang Saunders 1 " A PLEASURE THAT NEVER PALLS. The other day (says Frederick Locker) I heard that whimsical fellow, G , make a rather foolish remark, to the effect that the pleasure of not going to church was a pleasure that never palled. "A BIRD, BY JOVE!" Talking of practical jokes, Moore records Rogers's story of somebody who, when tipsy, was first rolled in currant jelly, and then covered with feathers : his exclaiming, when he looked at himself in a glass, "A bird, by Jove !" A LUKEWARM CHRISTIAN. Evanson, in his Dissonxince of the Gospels, thinks Luke most worthy of credence. P (remarks Crabb Robinson) said that Evanson was a luTce- warm Christian. "I'LL BE BOUND." Campbell, talking of dog-Latin, gave specimens of a conversation he had heard (or heard of) between an Irish priest and a foreigner in Latin. One of them, speaking of a friend he had dined with, called him a '■'■ Diaholicus bonus socius," and the other said, ^'Finciar habehatis bonum vinmn." Campbell defied us to find out what he meant, but I (says Moore) saw it immediately : " I'll be bound you had good wine. " ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 251 MALAPROPOS. "When, on one occasion, the Queen and the Prince Consort were going over the British Museum, their attention was directed to an icthyosaurus. Just at that moment (says Harrison), Mr Konig entered the room, when Sir Henry [Ellis] presented him, as the then head of the department, to the Queen and the Prince. The latter, whose ear was struck by the German name, desired to know from whence in Germany he came, and asked, " From what part ? " Konig, supposing the inquiry to refer, not to himself, but to the fossil, replied, ''From the blue lias at Lyme Regis, in Dorsetshire, your Royal Highness." Sir Henry said that the Queen was especially diverted by the Tnalajpropos reply. THE TRAVELLER AND HIS DOG. Dr Taylor read to Barham the following extract from a letter addressed to- him by Archbishop Whately : — " O'Connell has spoilt the dog. The story is of a traveller who, finding himself and his dog in a wild country, and desti- tute of provisions, cut off his dog's tail, and boiled it for his own supper, giving the * dog the bone.' " NOT A HELPMEET FOR HIM. We read in the Literary Gazette this story : — "I will never marry a womai that can't carve," said M . ''Why?" "Because she would not be i help-meat for me." A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT. A friend of W. H. Harrison's told him he was dining at the British Embassy in a foreign city, when the minister's lady inquired of a gentleman from Manchester if she had been rightly informed that things were so much cheaper in England than they had been. "Yes, your ladyship, was the reply; "for instance, my father died last year, and I buried him for fifty pounds, and now I could have done it for twenty." A "DISGOUSTING" STOMACH. The Duke of Gloucester told the following anecdote of a Mayor of Liverpool : — He was seated at the chief magistrate's right hand. When the fish was pro- duced, it was speedily discovered by all whose olfactory organs were in the least sensitive, to be in such a progressive state that His Royal Highness, with the guests on both sides the table, lost no time in sending away their plates. Still the mayor went on with his fish. "Mayor, mayor," said th& Duke, "do send away your plate — the fish is quite tainted." The mayor, at 252 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. the moment he was addressed by royalty, was in the act of taking another mouthful. ** I thank your Royal Highness, but I have a stomach that will disgoust anything." The anecdote is recorded by Mark Boyd. APPROPRIATE. A wealthy farmer, whom I knew (says Jerdan), was induced to embark in a parochial contest at considerable expense, and in acknowledgment was feted with a public dinner at Kensington. On his health being drunk with all the honours, the singer on the rota sang "The "Wealthy Fool with Gold in Store," amid great applause. NOT SO PLAIN. James Fenimore Cooper, the novelist, told Moore the following anecdote of a disputatious man : — "Why, it is as plain as that two and two make four." " But I deny that, too; for 2 and 2 make twenty-two." N.B. A curious specimen of elegant letter-writing has been printed by J. C. Young. It is a note written to the late Bishop of Norwich, Dr S , in answer to an invitation given by him: — "Mr 's private affairs turn out so sadly that he cannot have the pleasure of waiting upon his lordship at his agreeable house on Monday next. — N.B., his wife is dead." NATURALLY. In a conversation which happened to turn on railway accidents and the variety of human sufferings, a bank director (says Jerdan) observed that he always felt great interest in the case of a broken limb. "Then, I suppose," said , " for a compound fracture you feel compound interest." MEN'S AND WOMEN'S. Moore gives a place to this anecdote of the rival shoemakers ; one of them putting up over his door "Mens conscia recti;" and the other instantly mounting "Men's and women's conscia recti." OVER THE REPUBLIC. Talking of Switzerland, " Well," said Sydney Smith, " what are they doing now in that irritable little republic ? You remember 's answer, when they sent him a decree that he could not be permitted to fire in the republic ? * Very well,' said he, 'it makes no sort of difference to me; I can very easily fire over the republic!'" ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 253 TRUE FRIENDSHIP. The attachment of perfect friendship was exhibited (says Jordan) by Cole- man in the instance of a loving pair of cronies staggering home from the tavern, when one tumbled into the kennel and besought his comrade to help him up. "Ah, no," hiccuped the true friend, " I am too drunk to do that, but, my dear boy, I will lie down by you," which was no sooner said than done. TOO FAT. Says Planche, on one occasion : — Our Amphitryon, John Andrews, was exceedingly corpulent, and upon one occasion had a severe attack of illness, which nearly proved fatal. On his recovery he received, by post, the follow- ing lines : — "By an illness, much worse than he'd e'er had before. Poor Andrews, they say, has been brought to Death's door. But danger there's none, unless he should grow thin. For Death hasn't a door that would now let him in." NOT TWENTY-THREE. H tells me (says F. Locker) that his cook has lately won a good deal of money in a lottery, with the number twenty -three. H asked her how it was she had happened to tumble on such a lucky number, and she replied, "Oh, sir, I had a dream; I dreamt of number seven, and I dreamt it three times, and as three times seven is twenty- three, I chose that number, sir." This proves that an ignorance of the multiplication table is not always a calamity. I was relating this anecdote to a distinguished friend, who holds a rather responsible position, and is usually anything but slow in apprehend- ing a joke. When I had concluded, I observed a wistful expression on his countenance as if he were ready, nay anxious, to be amused, but could not for the life of him quite manage it. Then suddenly his face brightened, and he said, but with a tinge of dejection in his manner, "Ah, yes, I see — yes — I suppose three times seven is not twenty-three." WHAT IT WAS ABOUT. Moore gives this anecdote of Dr Barnes : — Being sometimes inclined to sleep a little during the sermon, a friend who was wuth him in his pew one Sunday, having joked with him on his having nodded now and then, Barnes insisted he had been awake all the time. "Well, then," said his friend, "can you tell me what the sermon was about ?" "Yes, I can," he answered, "it was about half-an-hour too loc':'." 254 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. TAKING TIMBER. A good story is told by Moore of a man selling a horse. The would-be purchaser, inquiring as to his leaping powers, asks, ** Would he take timber?" "He'd jump over your head," answered the other; " I don't know what you call that.''* A RHYME. Lord H. mentioned to Moore some one being defied to find a rhyme for Carysfort, and writing — "I'm writing a note to my uncle Carysfort; he has got tlie gout, and is gone to Paris for't." A PARODY. Moore writes in his Diary : — Forgot to mention that Casey mentioned to me a parody of his on those two lines in the ' * Veiled Prophet : ". — " He knew no more of fear than one who dwells Beneath the tropics, knows of icicles." The following is his parody, which, bless my stars, none of my critics were lively enough to hit upon, for it would have stuck by me : — "He knew no more of fear than one who dwells On Scotia's mountains, knows of shoe-buckles." "SUCH AS IT IS." A literary character — I need not mention names (says Jerdan) — on a visit to Bath, was pressed into a hospitable engagement with a resident gentleman, who had a penchant for cultivating the acquaintance of such celebrities. He had also the peculiarity of using the above expression in and out of season, and often with ludicrous effect. His guest being seated at an excellent plain dinner, the Amphytrion most unnecessarily would apologise for its deficiencies. Bath, to be sure, was one of the best markets in England, and he endeavoured to get everything good ; but the fish, he feared, was not that most fashionable in town at present ; and the roast mutton was a very homely joint, &c., &c. ; but he hoped Mr would excuse the deficiencies, for he is most welcome to the fare, "such as it is ! " A smile rewarded this first ebullition, which was almost converted into a burst of laughter when the wines came within a similar category. "This sherry is direct from Cadiz, but not, I am afraid, of the highest quality ; and the other was only humble port, a kitchen wine with high people ; but I have had it in bottle nine years, and I hope you will be able to drink it, sir, such as it is ! " Everything went on in the same manner till Mr , unable to keep his countenance much longer, pre- tended an urgent engagement in order to get away early in the evening. His ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 255 host regretted this exceedingly, and said, " I am indeed very sorry that you are obliged to leave us so soon, and the more so as I can assure you I have been muck entertained by your conversation, such as it is T' A WEARY NIGHT. Moore relates what he calls the good story of the fellow in the Marshal-sea having heard his companion brushing his teeth the last thing at night, and, then upon waking, at the same work in the morning : * ' Ugh, a weary night you must have had of it, Mr Fitzgerald. " HE KNEW HIM. Writes Frederick Locker : — In recent hill warfare with the Afreedees, who are human beings not a whit more degraded than the aborigines of West- minster, some of the native population zealously took our side. On one occasion an officer on duty pointed out to a native sentry a certain black fellow whom he had observed skulking with others round the fort, evidently with sinister intentions. " I see him, sar," said the sentry — " had two shots at him a'ready, him dam hard to hit, he hardest man to hit I know." *' Oh you know him, do you?" said the officer. "Oh yes, sar, I know de dam rascal. I been tryin' to shoot him all de week." "Well, who is he? What's his name ? " " Oh, de dam rascal — he my father." A LEVER AND A PULLEY. Poole told Moore of a man who said " I can only offer you for dinner what the French call a lever (lievre) and b. pulley (poulet)." HE NEVER LOOKED AT THEM. Lord Holland told in Moore's hearing the story of a man who professed to have studied "Euclid" all through, and upon some one saying to him, "Well, solve me that problem," answered, "Oh, I never looked at the cuts." A SARCASTIC BOOTMAKER. I remember (says Gronow) Horace Churchill (afterwards killed in India, with the rank of major-general), who was then an ensign in the guards, entering Hoby's shop in a great passion, saying that his boots were so ill made that he should never employ Hoby for the future. Hoby, putting on a pathetic cast of countenance, called to his shopman, "John, close the shutters. It is aU over with us; I must shut up shop : Ensign ChurchiU withdraws his custom from me." Churchill's fury can be better imagined than described. 256 TREA S UR V OF MODERN A NECD O TE. FOR RIDING. On another occasion (says the same authority) the late Sir John Shelly came into Hoby's shop to complain that his top-boots had split in several places. Hoby quietly said, "How did that happen, Sir John?" " Why, in walking to my stable." "Walking to your stable !" said Hoby with a sneer; "I made the boots for riding, not walking." STEWED IN ONIONS. Mrs Wordsworth and a lady were walking once in a wood when the stock- dove was cooing. A fanner's wife coming by, said, "Oh, I do like stock- doves !" Mrs Wordsworth (says Haydon), in all her enthusiasm for Words- worth's beautiful address to the stock-dove, took the old woman to her heart. "But," continued the old woman, "some like 'em in a pie; for my part there's nothing like 'em stewed in onions ! " ONE OVER. Walpole writes : — After the execution of the eighteen malefactors [1787], a female was bawling an account of them, but called them nineteen. A gentle- man said to her, "Why do you say nineteen? There were but eighteen hanged." She replied, "Sir, I did not know you had been reprieved." A FILLET OF VEAL. Mrs R. A. mentioned to Moore a good hon mot of a friend of hers, a lady, who was at a fancy ball, dressed with a band round her forehead, and a veil hanging from it. " Is that a veal ?" said a vulgar man, addressing her, and mincing the word as I have spelt it. " Yes," she answered, pointing to the band, ''&filUt:' NOT SO BAD AS THAT. One day Theodore Hook was travelling in a coach. There were (says Young) but two inside passengers — a very pretty, but very delicate-looking young lady, attended by a very homely-looking maid. The coach stopped twenty minutes to allow of dinner. Hook returned first to his place; the maid next. During the absence of her young mistress, Hook said to her, in a tone of great sympathy — "Your young lady seems very unwell." *f Yes, sir ; she suffers sadly." "Consumption, I should fear?" "No, sir; I am sorry to say it is the heart." "Dear me! Aneurism?" "0 no, sir! it is only a lieutenant in the navy." ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL, i^l THE MYSTERY EXPLAINED. A certain noble housewife — Cannon used to say — ^had observed that her stock of pickled cockles was running remarkably low, and she spoke to tho cook in consequence, who alone had access to them. The cook had noticed the same serious deficiency : "she couldn't tell how, but they certainly hadi disappeared much too fast ! " A degree of coolness, approaching to estrange- ment, ensued between these worthy individuals, which the rapid consumption of the pickled cockles by no means contributed to remove. The lady became more distant than ever, spoke pointedly and before company of " some people's unaccountable partiality to pickled cockles," etc. The cook's character was at stake : unwilling to give warning, with such an imputation upon her self-denial, not to say honesty, she, nevertheless, felt that all con- fidence between her mistress and herself was at an end. One day, the jar containing the evanescent condiment being placed as usual on the dresser, while she was busily engaged in basting a joint before the fire, she happened to turn suddenly round, and beheld, to her great indignation, a favourite magpie, remarkable for his conversational powers and general intelligence, perched by its side, and dipping his beak down the open neck with every symptom of gratification. The mystery was explained — the thief detected ! Grasping the ladle of scalded grease which she held in her hand, the exasperated lady dashed the whole contents over the hapless pet, accompanied by the exclama- tion — "Oh, d — me, you've been at the pickled cockles, have ye?" Poor Mag, of course, was dreadfully burnt ; most of his feathers came off, leaving his little round pate, which had caught the principal part of the volley, entirely bare. The poor bird moped about, lost all his spirit, and never spoke for a whole year. At length, when he had pretty well recovered, and was beginning to chatter again, a gentleman called at the house, who, on taking off his hat, discovered a very bald head ! The magpie, who happened to be in the room, appeared evidently struck by the circumstance : his remi- niscences were at once powerfully excited by the naked appearance 'of tlie gentleman's skull. Hopping upon the back of his chair, and looking him hastily over, he suddenly exclaimed in the ear of the astounded visitor — "Oh, d — me, yovlve been at the pickled cockles, have ye ?" OUT AND IN. J. C. Young says : — Colonel , dining with Mrs R , and finding that she, like himself, was suffering from a bad cold, expressed warm sympathy for her. She thanked him, and asked him how he had caught his ? " Oh," said he, "I just got it by lying out. And you, madam, how did you catch yours ?" ** Oh !" was the reply, "I just got it by lying w." R ^58 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. METAPHYSICS. According to L'Estrange, Mrs Charles Kemble's description of metaphysics was — ** When A calls to B and C, and B and C don't understand him, and A does not understand himself — that is metaphysics." AS THEY WERE. Dined at Birmingham (writes Moore). . . One of my companions men- tioned that an old woman said, upon the regiment of the Inniskilleners lately entering that town, "Well, boys, you look mighty well, considering it is now a hundred and nine years since you were here before. " THEIR NASTY SINS. A clergyman (says Young) was exceedingly annoyed by the intemperate freaks and excesses of certain Baptists who invaded his parish, and estranged many of his flock from him. He was surprised and hurt to find an old lady, a farmer's wife, had allowed them to dip their converts in her pond. On his remonstrating with her, she declared that they had done it entirely without her consent, or even her knowledge, but vowed they should never do so again. "I ain't no idea of their coming and leaving all their nasty sins behind them in my water. * ' SO WARM AND COMFORTABLE. Young writes again : — Mrs Young and I dined with the Rector of Wootton Basset. His wife is lovely in person, amiable in manner, essentially feminine, but lamentably deaf. Owing to this infirmity, a ludicrous mistake arose. The ladies were in the drawing-room, and my wife was sitting with her back to the door. A gentleman, whom we had met for the first time, had left the dining-room before the others, and had entered so silently, that Mrs Young, unconscious of his being behind her, made the following remark to the lady of tlie house : — " What a very agreeable man Mr Hare is " (the very man at the back of her chair). *'0h, yes," said the deaf lady; "and so warm and comfortable of a winter's night," The hostess had thought Mrs Young was praising her rooms, not her friend. A GOOD DEFINITION. Says the same writer :— A Mrs Tomkinson was staying at Putney with Mr liCader, the father of the ex-member for Westminster, when one day, after a dinner party, while sitting in the drawing-room with the ladies, who were dissecting the characters of the gentlemen they had just left at the dining- t^iblo, the name of one individual came on the tains who liad made himself ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 259 particularly disagreeable, not so much, by anything he had said or done as by what he had left unsaid and undone, and by his exclusiveness, arrogance, and sullen taciturnity. Each lady present, with the exception of Mrs Tomkinson, having expressed her sentiments pretty freely about the noxious "party," her opinion was challenged. "Well," she said, in her passive way, "he seems to me to be an anomaly in natural philosophy: he is 'gravity without attraction.' " SOMETHING IN THE HOITSE. Mathews, sen., gave a very entertaining account of his having been recommended by Mr Lowdham, a member of the club, to stop at a particular inn in Nottingham, when upon his last theatrical tour. He found it, how- ever, quite a third-rate inn, and could get no attendance. Half-a-dozen different people successively answered the bell when he rang, stared at him, said "Yes, sir!" and went away; nor could he get anyone to show him into a private room, though he had bespoken one. At last a great lubberly boy came blubbering into the room, when Mathews addressed him very angrily : — M. — "When am I to have my private room?" Boy. — "We han't got none but one, and that's bespoke for Mathews the player." M. — "Well, I am Mathews the player, as you call him," Boy. — " Oh, then you may come this way!" He was ushered, at length, into a room with a tire just lighted, and full of smoke; still there was nothing to be got to eat, while Mathews, who had travelled between forty and fifty miles that day, was very hungry. M. — "Send me up the master of the house! Where is the master?" Boy. — "He's dead, sir!" M. — "Then send the mistress." Boy. — "Mother's gone out ! " M. — " Well, do let me have something to eat, at all events; can you get me a mutton chop?" Boy. — "Not till mother comes home," M. — "Well, then, some cold meat — anything, confound it.! boy ; have you got nothing in the house ? " Boy. — ' ' Yes, sir. " M. — " WeU, what is it then ? " Here the poor boy burst into a flood of tears and blubbered out, " An execution, sir!" A LUCKY BOY. Mark Boyd relates an anecdote which the late Mr Coates used to tell. He had, he said, never known a request so ably and so judiciously put, inasmuch as it was complied with four-fold. A boy, on a hot summer morning, was passing down St James's Street, or along Pall Mall, when he observed two gentlemen agreeably occupied at breakfast at their club window, which was open. Adopting as rapidly as possible a supplicatory attitude and tone, he addressed one of the gentlemen thus: "Please, sir, will you kindly give me 26o TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. a little salt? Oh, sir, please do; for, if you give me a little salt, perhaps this gentleman will give me an ^gg."" Kot only was an ^gg forthcoming, and salt, but a good sized cup of coffee, in addition to a mufl^. A VERY BAD BARGAIN. Sir Patrick Hamilton, Mayor of Dublin, had, according to Walpole, a par- simonious wife. In his mayoralty, he could not persuade her to buy a new gown. The pride of the Hamiltons surmounted the penury of the Highlands. He bought a silk that cost five-and-fifty shillings a yard, but told his wife it cost but forty. In the evening she displayed it to some of her female acquaint- ances. "Forty shillings a yard! Lord, madam," said one of them, "I would give five-and-forty myself." "Would you, madam ? You shall have it at that price." Judge how Sir Patrick was transported when he returned at night, and she bragged of the good bargain she had made ! WHAT A PROPHET IS. Examining one of the Sunday School boys at Addington, I asked him (says Barham) what a prophet was. He did not know. "If I were to teU you what would happen to you this day twelvemonth, and it should come to pass, what would you call me then, my little man?" "A fortune-teller, sir," said the little boy. There was an end of the examination for the day. AN ENFANT TERRIBLE. Hicks told J. C. Young that the children of the National Infant School at Swansea were taught very much by sign : the hand of the teacher sloped signifying "oblique," the hand held flat, "horizontal," the hand upright, "perpendicular." One of the Welsh bishops was preaching one day in behalf of the school, when, observing several children whispering together, he held his hand upright in a warning manner, meaning thereby to impose silence, on which almost all the school, in the midst of his sermon, hoUoed out, " Per- pendicular!" A YOUTHFUL PREFERENCE. Young speaks of hearing a charming story of one of the royal children, which he hopes is true. When last the Queen was about to be confined, the Prince Consort said to one of his little boys, " I think it very likely, my dear, that the Queen will soon present you with a little brother or sister; which of the two would you prefer ?" The child, pausing — " Well, I think, if it is the same to Mamma, I should prefer a pony." ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 261 BRAVO, WORM! I had (says Jerdan) a pleasing correspondence with Lord Erskine, when he printed his humane appeal in favour of the rooks, and contended that by their destruction of insects they much overpaid the loss of any injury done to the fanners' crops. There was nobody, to be sure, to take up the case of the suffering insects. The only word I ever heard uttered in favour of the tribe was the reply of the lazy fellow in Dublin, when reproached with his sluggard habits. *'Ah, Dick, Dick, thou wilt never come to good, lying in bed till noon ! It is the early bird, Dick, that picks up the worm." " Ay, but," said Dick, "the worm was up first ! " A PERTINENT QUERY. Moore writes : — Sheridan, the first time he met Tom, his son, after the marriage of the latter, seriously angry with him, told him he had made his will, and had cut him off with a shilling. Tom said he was, indeed, very sorry, and immediately added : "You don't happen to have the shilling about you now, sir, do you?" Old S. burst out laughing, and they became friends again. A SIN AND A SHAME. A story of Barham on a steamboat trip : — An old woman on board told some of her friends who were very merry, that while she was at Margate in the course of the summer, the friend at whose house she had been staying had gone into the market for the purpose of purchasing a goose. There were but two in the whole place, offered for sale by a girl of fourteen, who refused to part with one without the other, assigning no other reason for her obstinacy than that it was her mother's order. Not wishing for two geese, the lady at first declined the purchase, but at last finding no other was to be had, and re- collecting that a neighbour might be prevailed upon to take one off her hands, she concluded the bargain i Having paid for and secured the pair, she asked the girl at parting if she knew her mother's reason for the directions she had given. *■' yes! mistress," answered the young poultry merchant readily; " mother said that they had lived together eleven years, and it would be a sin and a shame to part them now !" SO CLEANLY. A story has been told (says Lord Wm. Lennox) of a noble lord, still flourish- ing (1876), who upon saying to a keeper, " I suppose you've scarcely ever met with a worse shot than I am?" "Oh yes, my lord," responded the other, "I've met with many a worse, for you misses them so cleanly." 262 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. IS THAT ALL ? J. C. Young writes : — At the Duke of Wellington's funeral the little child of a friend of mine was standing with her mother at Lord Ashburton's win- dow to see the mournful pageant. During the passage of the procession, she made no remark until the duke's horse was led by, its saddle empty, and his boots reversed in the stirrups, when she looked up into her mother's face, and said, ' * Mamma, when we die, will there be nothing left of us but boots ? " DYING AND DYEING. Captain Gronow writes : — The Duke of Gloucester frequently visited Chel- tenham during the season. Upon one occasion he called upon Colonel Hig- gins, brother to the equerry of His Koyal Highness the Prince Eegent, and on inquiring of the servant if his master was at home, received for answer, " My master is dyeing." "Dying!" repeated the Duke, "have you sent for a doctor?" "No, sir." His Royal Highness immediately ran back into the street, and having the good fortune to find a medical man, he requested him to come at once to Colonel Higgins, as he was at the point of death. The Duke and the doctor soon reached the Colonel's house, and after again asking the servant how his master was, that functionary replied, " I told you, sir, that he was dyeing." They mounted the staircase, and were rather amused to find the reported invalid busily occupied in dyeing his hair. OUT TOO. Moore gives the story of a man asking a servant, "Is your master at home ?" " No sir, he's out." "Your mistress?" "No sir, she's out." "Well, I'll just go in and take an air of the fire till they come." " Faith, sir, that's out too. SO DARK-LIKE YOURSELF. Frederick Locker writes : — A lady of my acquaintance, a brunette, hap- pened to show her maid one of those little sticking-plaster profiles which they used to call siXhoueUes. It was the portrait of the lady's aunt, whom the girl had never seen, and she said quite innocently, " La, ma'am, I always thought as how you had some black relations, you are so dark -like yourself, you know." SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT. "Monk" Lewis (says Gronow) had a black servant, affectionately attached to his master; but so ridiculously did this servant repeat his master's expressions, that he became the laughing-stock of all his master's friends. ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 263 Brummell used often to raise a hearty laugh at Carlton House by repeating witticisms which he pretended to have heard from Lewis's servant ; some of these were very stale, yet they were considered so good as to be repeated at the clubs, and greatly added to the reputation of the Beau as a teller of good things. "On one occasion," said Brummell, "I called to inquire after a young lady who had sprained her ankle. " Lewis, on being asked how she was, had said in the black's presence, "The doctor has seen her, put her legs straight, and the poor chicken is doing well." The servant, therefore, told me, with a mysterious and knowing look, " Oh, sir, the doctor has been here ; she has laid eggs, and she and the chickens are doing well." A MODEL WAITER. Charles Mathews, jun., once told me (says J. C. Young) that he went intO' an eating-house to have lunch, and found the orders given by the visitors on the first floor were conveyed below to the kitchen through a tube. A gentle- man came in and ordered a basin of ox-tail soup ; two, mock-turtle ; three others asked for pea-soup ; and one more, for bonilli. The waiter, too busy to give the orders for each separately, gave them altogether, with great rapidity, in this concentrated form, at the mouth of the tube : — " One ox — two mocks — three peas — and a bully !" HE WAS DRUNK. Mr Tenant (says Lady Holland) lived in a small lodging, and his establish- ment consisted solely of an old black servant, who tyrannized over him in na small degree, called Dominique. He was overheard one morning calling from his bed, "Dominique! Dominique!" but no Dominique appeared. "Why don't you bring me my stockings, Dominique?" "Can't come, massa."" "Why can't you come, Dominique?" " Can't come, massa; I'm dronke." A SMALL GROOM. This is one of Dickens's stories^: — A very small groom, with fiery-red hair, has looked very hard at me, and fluttered about me at the same time like a giant butterfly. After a pause, he says, in a Sam-Wellerish kind of way, " I went to the club this mornin', sir. There vorn't no letters, sir. " " Very good, Topping." "How's missis, sir?" "Pretty well, Topping." "Glad to hear it, sir. My missis ain't very well, sir." "No!" "No, sir; she'a agoin', sir, to have a hincrease very soon, and it makes her rather nervous, sir ; and ven a young voman gets at all down at sich a time, sir, she goes- 1 Field's Yesterdays with Authors. 264 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. down werry deep, sir." To this sentiment I reply affirmatively, and then he adds, as he stirs the fire (as if he were thinking out aloud), " Wot a mystery it is ! Wot a go is natur' ! " With which scrap of philosophy he gradually gets nearer to the door, and so fades out of the room. NOWI One of Hook's stories was of Sir George Warrender, who was once obliged to put off a dinner-party in consequence of the death of a relative, and sat down to a haunch of venison by himself. While eating, he said to his butler, " John, this will make a capital hash to-morrow." " Yes, Sir George, if you leave of^ now/" THE SAME. This same man (adds Dickens) asked me one day, soon after I came home [from America], what Sir John Wilson was. This is a friend of mine, who took our house and servants and everything as it stood, during our absence in America. I told him an ofiicer. " A wot, sir ? " " An officer. " And then, for fear he should think I meant a police officer, I added, " An officer in the ai-my." " I beg your pardon, sir," he said, touching his hat, "but the club as I always drove him to wos the United Servants. " The real name of this club is the United Service, but I have no doubt he thought it was a high-life- below-stairs kind of resort, and that this gentleman was a retired butler or superannuated footman. THEY WILL DO IT. A friend of mine (says Frederick Locker) had a gamekeeper who was an original, and often expressed himself very incisively. One day he was in the cover with a neighbour who invariably missed everything he aimed at. A l)heasant got up, the neighbour blazed away, some feathers flew, and he ex- claimed in a voice of natural exultation, " I hit him that time, Cox, and no mistake." The man's reply was characteristic : "Ah, sir, they will fly into it sometimes. " A THOUGHTFUL SERYANT. Nearly one hundred years ago (says the same writer) my grandfather. Captain William Locker, was at dinner, and a servant boy, lately engaged, was handing him a tray of liqueurs, in different-sized glasses. Being in the middle of an anecdote to his neighbour, he mechanically held out his hand ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 265 towards the tray, but, as people often do when they are thinking of some- thing else, he did not take a glass. The hoy thought he was hesitating which liqueur he would have, and like a good fellow, wishing to help his master, he pointed to one particular glass, and whispered, "That's the biggest, sir." A JACK-ASS HURRY. [When George Young, uncle of the Rev. J. C. Young], was taking the waters at Carlsbad, he was favourably impressed by the looks and manners of a young man, attached to the hotel in which he was living. Leopold Kiefer (says J. C. Young) was an intelligent, honest, sober, well-principled creature ; but he laboured under one besetting infirmity, which he never could get the better of. His utterance was so rapid, and his articulation so indistinct, that — what with his broken English and his German dialect, and his nervous anxiety to satisfy his benefactor — he made himself perfectly unintelligible. My uncle was so indisposed to find fault, that he usually contented himself with giving the erring one a look of eloquent reproof. But on one particular occasion, when he was rattling otf his messages in his usual style, he was interrupted in his wild career with this admonition, " Leopold, don't be in one of your jack-ass hurries." These words, and the tone in which they were spoken, sank so deep into the poor fellow's soul, that he generally, ever after, preluded anything he had to say with the assurance that he ' ' was not in a jack-ass hurry." I recall, with much amusement, being at dinner with my two uncles on one occasion, when a thundering knock at the front door, and a violent ring at the bell, caused my uncle George to drop his knife and fork on his plate. The din which unnerved the master only excited the man ; a torpedo could not have affected his sympathetic nature more powerfully. In one instant he had darted out of the room; in another, he had darted in again, and delivered himself of the following statement, with the volu- bility peculiar to Charles Mathews and the incoherency peculiar to him- self, and with all the words strung together: — " Eef^you — bleaze — shur — here — ees — a — shentleman — on — a — door — at — a — hoarse — mit — a — ^groom — vich — vould — speak — mit — you — on — a — door." He was received with a look of sad reproof by my uncle, who had risen from table, napkin in hand, fearing that something serious was the matter. This at once brought the culprit to his bearings. Conscious that he had transgressed, he suddenly drew Mmself up, and, in a manner as stiff and constrained as that of a private when told at drill to " stand at ease," and taking care to enunciate his words v'ith a suitable interval between each, he thus corrected himself: — **Eef-^you — bleaze — shur — I — ham — not — in — a — shack — hass — horry — hot — dere— ees a — shentleman — on — he's — gi'oom — mit — he's — horse — on — de— door." 266 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. A PIOUS HOPE. When one day visiting a prison chaplain, the Kev. W. Harness^ asked him whether his ministry had been attended with success. "With very little, I grieve to say, " was the reply. * * A short time since I thought I had brought to a better state of mind a man who had attempted to murder a woman and had been condemned to death. He showed great signs of contrition after the sen- tence was passed upon him, and I thought I could observe the dawnings of grace upon the soul. I gave him a Bible, and he was most assiduous in the study of it, frequently quoting passages from it which he said convinced him of the heinousness of his offence. The man gave altogether such a promise of refor- mation, and of a change of heart and life, that I exerted myself to the utmost, and obtained for him such a commutation of his sentence as would enable him soon to begin the world again, and, as I hoped, with a happier result. I called to inform him of my success. His gratitude knew no bounds ; he said I was his preserver, his deliverer. "And here," he added, as he grasped my hand in parting, *' here is your Bible. I may as well return it to you, for I hope that I shall never want it again." IN DANGER OF HIS LIFE. Sir Nicholas Bacon (says Lord Campbell) used to tell a story which he was supposed to have invented or embellished — that at [an] assize town a notorious rogue, knowing there was a clear case against him, and hoping that he might have some chance from my Lord Judge's tone of humour, instead of pleading, took to himself the liberty of jesting ; and, as if the Judge having some evil design, he had been to sware the peace against him, exclaimed, ** I charge you in the Queen's name to seize and take away that man in the red gown there, for I go in danger of my life because of him." V. AND W. The grand Vittoria Festival in Vauxhall Gardens was (says Jerdan) an en- joyment in its way. The illuminated V's and W's were very brilliant, and the jest was made of one Cockney asking another what the letters meant, and receiving for answer, ' ' Vy, the V's stand for Vellington, and the W's for Wictory, to be sure." A DOUBLE-BREASTED GUN. Jones, the tailor, was asked by a customer who thought much of his cut, to go down and have some shooting with him in the country. Among the party 1 See the Life, and Letters by L'Estrange. ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL. 267 (says L'Estrange) was the Duke of Nortlmmberland. "Well, Mr Jones," observed his Grace, " I'm glad to see you are becoming a sportsman. "What sort of gun do you shoot with?" "Oh, with a double-breasted one, your Grace," was the reply. A REMARKABLE CLERK. The following letter (says J. C. Young) was sent from a clerk to his rector. Tt Avould appear that the clerk had complained of the insignificant remunera- tion he had received for his services, and finding that there was no idea on the part of the rector or the cliurch wardens of raising his fees, he threw up his office in disgust. Subsequent reflection convinced him he had made a mis- take. It was, therefore, in the spirit of penitence that he wrote the following extraordinary production to his rector: — "Dear and Rev. Sir, — I avail my- self of the opportunity of troubling your honour with these blundered-up lines, which I hope you will excuse, and which is the very sentiments of your humble servant's heart. I, ignorantly, rashly, but reluctantly, gave warning to leave your highly-respected office, and most amiable duty, as being your servant and clerk of this your most well-^^orked parish, and place of my .succour and support. But, dear sir, I well know it was no fault of yours, nor any of my most worthy parishioners. It was because I thought I were not sufficiently paid for the interment of the silent dead. But, will I be a Judas, and leave the house of my God, the place where His honour dwelleth, for a few pieces of silver ? No ! Will I be a Peter, and deny myself of an office in His sanctuary, and cause myself to weep bitterly ? No ! Can I be so unreasonable as to deny, if I live and am well, the pleasure to ring that solemn toll that speaks the departure of a soul ? No ! Can I leave off digging the tombs of my neighbours and acquaintance, which have many a time made me shudder and think of my mortality, especially when I have dug up the mortal remains of some one as I perhaps very well knew ? No ! Can I so abruptly forsake the services of my beloved church, which I have not failed to attend of every Sunday, for this seven year and a half ? No ! Can I leave waiting upon you, a minister of that Being 'that sitteth between the cherubims, and flieth upon the wings of the wind V No !' Can I leave the place where our most holy service calls forth, and says — * Those whom God hath joined together (and being, as I am, a married man), let no man put asunder ? ' No ! Can I leave that ordinance, where you say, ' Thus and thus, I baptize thee in the name of,' etc., etc., etc. ; and he becomes 'regene- rate and grafted into the body of Christ's church V No ! Can I think of leaving off cleaning, at Easter, the house of God, in whom I take such delight, in looking down her aisles, and beholding her sanctuary and the table of the Lord ? No ! Can I forsake taking a part in the service of 268 TREASURY OF MODERN ANECDOTE. thanksgiving of women after cliildbirth, when mine own wife has been de- livered these ten times ? No ! Can I leave off waiting on the congregation of the Lord, which you well know, sir, is my delight ? No ! Can I leave the table of the Lord, at which I have feasted a matter of, I dare say, full thirty times ? No ! And, dear sir, can I ever forsake you, who has ever been kind to me ? No ! And I well know ' you will entreat me not to leave you, neither to return from following after you : for where you pray, there will I pray ; where you worship, will I worship ; your church shall be my church ; your people shall be my people ; and your God shall be my God. ' By the waters of Babylon am I to sit down and weep, and leave thee, my church, and hang my harp upon the trees that grow in the yard ? No ! One thing have I desired of the Lord all the days of my life — ' to behold the fair beouty of the Lord, and to visit His temple.' * More to be desired art thou, my church, than gold, yea, than much fine gold : sweeter to me than honey and the honeycomb.' Now, think, sir, this is the very desire of my heart, still to wait upon you, which I hope you will find to be my delight as hither^ to ; but I, unthinkingly and rashly, said I would no longer ; for which ' I have roared for the very disquietness of my heart.' Now, if you think me worthy to wait upon you, please to tell the churchwardens that all is recon- ciled ; and, if not, * I will get me away into the wilderness, and hide me in the desert, in the clefts of the rocks ; ' but I hope still to be your Gehazi, and when I meet my Shunamite, to be able to say — 'All, all, is well.' I will conclude my blunders with my oft-repeated prayer, that it may be * As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end — Amen.' Now, sir, I shall go on with my fees a same as I found them, and will make no more trouble about them ; but I will not, I cannot, I must not^ leave you nor my delightful duties. Your most obedient servant, ■ " INDEX. " Abandoned habits," 84. Abbot, the actor, alluded to, 127. Aberdeen, Lord, cited, 96. "Ab his," 206. " Accommodation bill," 107. Actors and actresses, stories of, 154-177. Adam, William, alluded to, 180. Adolphus, the barrister, Berkeley's retort on, 50. "Agony is abated, the," 136, " Agreeable little trifle of ' Hamlet,' " 165. Albemarle, Lord, his Fifty Years of my Life quoted, 22, et passim. Alderson, Baron, mots by, 92, 93. Allen, of the Edinburgh Review, referred to, 13, 121. "All heart," 91. "All my eye," 69, 137. "All silent and all damned," 133. Alvanley, Lord, anecdotes of, 38, 39. Andover, Lord, mot about, 45. Andrew, John, lines on, 253. "Angry schoolboy, the," 125. "Any one in particular?" 20. "Apple-piety," 34. Ashburton, Harriet, Lady, mots by_, 53. Ashe, the clubmaster, Luttrell on, 31. Ashurst, Justice, Erskine's lines on, 64. Atterbuiy, Bishop, story of, 189. Avonmore, Lord, Curran's tricks upon, 59, 105 ; story of, 105. Aytoun, Professor, referred to, 150. " Backward spring, a," 142. Bacon, Lord, quoted, 94. Bacon, Sir Nicholas, sayings of, 82, 83. " Bad judge, a," 111. Bagehot, Walter, mots by, 147. Baird, Lady, story of, 216. Balmerino, Lord, Selwyn on, 41. Bankes' History of Rome, referred to, 94. Barhani, R. H., his Diary quoted, 14, et jkis- sim : mot by, 139. Barnes, Dr, story of, 253. Barrington, Sir Jonah, quoted, 62, etpapstm; mot by, 98. Barry, Colonel, referred to, 178. Barry, Redmond, mot by, 176. Barrymore, Lord, joke by, 50. Bass, the actor, story of. 175. Baynham, Walter, quoted, 176, 177. Beames, the reporter. Sir George Rose on, 110. " Beau Morris," 67. Beaumont, Sir George, referred to, 12, 159. Beazley, Samuel, mots by, 128, 129. " Begin with a bumper," 110. " Belzebub's bosom," 215. " Benefit of the act, the," 87. Bennett, George, story of, 197. BentJey's Miscellany, James Smith on, 140. Berkeley, Grantley, his Recollections quoted, 99. Berkeley, Hon. H. F., his retort on Adolphus, 50. Berry, Miss, alluded to, 13. "Better marry than bum," 79. " Better than none," 144. Bickle aad Salter, Hick's lines on, 86. " Birds of a feather," 138. Blackwood, John, pun by, 150. Blessington, Lady, her life cited, 37. " Bloom of ugliness, the," 53. Bloomfield, Bp., Sydney Smith on, 16. " Bluebottle-ttj'-catching," IS. '•' Boiled, ma'am," 132. " Book of Nature, the," 81. " Bore-contradictor, the," 47. " Boring a matter of Science," 82. Bowles, the poet, anecdotes of, 113-115; re- ferred to, 195. Boyd, Mark, his Reminiscences quoted, 16, et passim. Braxfield. Lord, anecdotes of, 96, 97. Bright, John, mot by, 189. Brindal, the actor, anecdote of, 166, Brinkley, Dr, referred to, 67. " Broken English," 139. Brummell, Beau, stories of, 47. Buchan, Earl of, the Duchess of Goodwin, 43. Bunn, Alfred, referred to, 143. Burdett, Sir Francis, Lord John Russell on, 189. Burgess, Bishop, referred to, 14. Burgess, Sir J. B., Porsou on, 203. Burgh, the barri.stcr, impromiJtu by, 99. 270 INDEX. Bumey, Martin, Lamb's twoi on, 135. Burns, Robert, anecdotes of, 121, 122. Bushe, Chief-Justice, referred to, 67 ; anec- dotes of, 69-72. " Butler in tlie family," 43. Butler, Sir Toby, story of, 97. Byrou, Lord, nioU by, 120, 121. " Caledonian Boar, a great," 68. Callender, Miss, Sydney Smith on a, 17. Campbell, Lord, Lives of Chancellors and Jus- tices quoted, 43, et passim; Plunket's mot oxi, 68 ; on puisne judges, 102. Campbell, Sir Colin, stories about, 209. 210. Campbell, Sir Hay, referred to, 76. Campbell, the poet, stories about, 115, 116 ; mot by, 116 ; Rogers on, 117 ; cited, 250. Canning, George, mots by, 181. Canning's statue, story of, 112. Cannon, the clergyman. 21; mot by, 192. 'Cant of patriotism," 189. Carleton, Chief-Justice, Curran's mots on, 62. Carmarthen, Lord, and Foote, 158. Caroline, Queen, on her husband, 49. Carysfort, a rhyme for, 254. " Casting reflections," 206. Castlereagh, Lord, stories of, 186, 187. " Caws, my soul, the caws," 141. " Cent'ry box," 107. " Chairs killed under him," 17. " Change for a guinea," 42. Chateaubriand, Talleyrand on, 229, 231. Chatham, Earl of, epigram on, 211. Chatterton, Lady, cited, 17, et passim. Chelmsford, Lord, anecdote of, 99. See The- siger. Chesterfield, Lord, anecdotes of, 39, 40. ** Chol-mon-dely," 157. Chorley, Henry F., his Life quoted, 23, et passim. Christal, the artist, 248. Church, going to, Foote on, 154. " Civil thing, the," 45. Clare, Lord, Curran's mot cm, 63. Clarke, Mrs Cowden, quoted, 146. Clergy, the, stories about, 192-202. " Clerks who have taken Priest's orders," 128. Climate of England, the, Luttrell on, 32. Cockburn, Lord, his Memorials quoted, 16, et passim. Coigny, Madame de, mots by, 234. Colchough, Cfesar, Bushe's lines on, 70. " Cold clergyman on the side-board," 15. Coleridge, the poet, epigram by, 121; mot of, 121 ; Slieridan on, 124 ; Lamb on, 132. Collier, Payne, Jerrold on, 146. Colman, George, mots by, 129, 130. Colman, George, referred to, 35. Companies, Thurlow on, 77. " Compound householder, the," 46. " Compromise has broken out," 112. Compton, Henry, Life of, quoted, 147; anec- dotes of. 164-166. " Con of the hundred bottles," 68. "Con seated," 6S. Constable, Archibald, his Correspondence cited, 50, et passim. Constable, the artist, story of, 243. Constant, Benjamin, referred to, 181; moi by, 235. Constitution, the, Boyle Roche on, 79. " Contingent remainder, a," 56. Conway, Harry, jun., mo< by, 48. Cook, Button, his Book of the Play quoted, 168, et passim. Cook, John, anecdote of, 168. " Cool of the evening, the," 15. Cooper, Fenimore, cited, 252. Cooper, Harry, moi by, 99. Cork, Lady, Jeykll on, 35 ; her theory of Heaven, 43 ; Lady D'Orsay on, 43. Cornwall, Barry, quoted, 117, 136. See Proc- ter. Country cousins, Sydney Smith on, 15. " Court is with you, the," 80. Coventry, Lady, Selwyn on, 42. Coyne, Stirling, mot on, 152. " Cozens German," 134. " Creates a prejudice," 123. Croker, John Wilson, quoted, 21. Croly, Rev. George, mots by," 122, 123. " Cu-cumberland, Duke of," 132. Cumberland, Duke of, anecdote of, 49, 50 ; Foote on, 154. Cumberland, the dramatist, Sheridan on, 124. Curran, the barrister, anecdotes of, 54-63 ; Boyle Roche's mot on, 80. " Cursed be Sally," 136. " Curtsey bobbing," 18. Cushman, Charlotte, cited, 171. " Daddy Longlegs," Whately on, 196. Balling, Lord, his Life of Peel cited, 188. . " Damned custom," 148. " Damned spot," 11. " D d first," 77. " D d poll," 106. " Damn me," 174. Daniskiold, Count, story of, 241. " Darkness and gnashing of teeth," 15, " Darkness that may be felt," 31. Davenport, Mrs, the actress, story of, 171. Davies, Lady, quoted, 236, et i)assim. Davies, Scrope, epitaph by, 51. Davy. Lady, anecdotes of, 44; Rogers' mot concerning, 117. Davy, Serjeant, referred to, 35. Davy, Sir Humphrey, referred to, 13. Delitice Dditiarum quoted, 45. Delphini, the clown, story of, 171. Dempster, M. P., story of, 190. "Derby dilly," 182. Derby, Earl of, story of, 189. " De-scent-ers," 196. Descent into Hell, Heraud's, Jerrold on, 145. " Diapason closing full in Dan," 32. Dickens, Charles, quoted, 200, 263. Diner-out, a, Luttrell on, 32. " Discontents, the," 118. " Disguise of a reasonable being," 82. Dissenters, Dr Johnson on, 131. INDEX. 271 " Do a Jew, never could," 38. Dodd, James, Porson on, 203. Dogmatism, Jerrold on, 147. Doherty, Judge, mote by, 89. " Domy-silly-airy visit, a," 90. Donaldson, the scholar, mote by, 203, 204. D'Orsay, Count, anecdotes of, 37, 3S, 233. Douglas, Lady, mot by, 45. Drake, Dr, anecdotes of, 195, 196. " Drowned if I chose," 105. " Drip, drip, drip," 124. Dryden. John, cited, 32, 182. Duchenois, Mdlle., Talleyrand on, 230, " Duck and drake," 195. Dudley, Earl of, anecdotes of, 27-31 ; Rogers' epigram on, 30 ; Luttrell's lines on, 33 ; Rogers' mot on, 118 ; Byron's mot on, 121 ; Castlereagh on, 187. Dunn, Billy, stories of, 166, 167. Dunning (Lord Ashburton), mot by, 98. Dyce, Rev. A., qutoed, 202. " Early purl, the," 150. " Echo in the Court," 72. Egan, the barrister, Curran's mote on, 54, 571; mo^ by, 184, Egerton, Lord-keeper. See EUesmere. " Eggs, the best for poaching," 141. Eldon, Lord, quoted, 36 ; epigram on, by Jekyll, 36; anecdotes of, 72-75, 109, 111, 112. " Elevation of the Host, the," 71. EUenborough, Lord, anecdotes of, 80-82. EUesmere, Lord Chancellor, anecdote of, 94. Elliott, Hugh, anecdotes of, 185, 186. Elliston, Fladgate on, 93 ; Lamb on, 135. Elm-wood, Lord Mansfield on, 92. Elocution and boxing, Robert Smith on, 84. Episcopal flirtations, Sydney Smith on, 10. Equator, the. Lord Jeffrey and, 17. Erskine, Henry, anecdotes of, 83, 84 ; referred to, 221. Erskine, Thomas, referred to, 35; anecdotes of, 63-66. Eskgrove, Lord, anecdotes of, 95. Established Church, Thurlow on the, 77. " Eternal friendship let us swear," 10, " Everybody's daughter," 39. " Everybody's husband," 44. " Everybody's wives," 44. Exeter, Bishop of, story of, 201. Falkner, the actor, Coleman on, 129. "Familiar with himself, too," 58. Farquhar, Sir Walter, story of, 242. " Fatted calf, the," 45. Fawkener, Sir E. , Selwyn on, 42, " Fee-simple, a," 133. " Femme d'un Zero," 49. " Feminine of idiot," 156. Fenelon, mot by, 234. Fields, J. T., his Yesterdays with Authors quoted, 137, "Filthy lucre," 152, " First man of the age," 197, Fitzgerald, Sir Judkin, Keller's mot on, 88. Fitzpatrick's Life of Whately cited, 197, Fladgate on EUiston, 93, Flahault, Talleyrand on, 231, " Flashes of silence," 16. Foot, the tobacconist, Cun-an's mot on, 55. Foote, Samuel, anecdotes of, 154-159. "Forgive us our trespasses," 78. Forster's Essays quoted, 155, et pass. Fortescue, Lord, story of, 101. Fouche, Talleyrand on, 230. " Four by honours," 107. Fox, Charles James, Selwyn on, 41, 42 ; Dud- ley Worth on, 48 ; moi by, 180. Fox, Henry, joke of, 180. Francis, Sir Philip, Rogers on, 119. Frederick the Great, Elliott's mots on, 1S5, 186, Freeling, Sir Francis, referred to, 127, Frere, J. H., mot by, 139. Furton, Sir Thomas, Curran on, 59. Garrick, the actor, Foote's mots on, 155, 156. Gay, the poet, referred to, 193. George II. alluded to, 40. George III., Selwyn on, 41. George IV., mot by, 49; Sheridan's mot on, 126, " Get it by degrees," 131. Gibbon, Sheridan on, 123. Gilford, Irish editor, story of, 222. Gillon, Joseph, anecdote of, 100. Gloucester, Duke of, on Lord Hermand, 50. " Gloves or stockings," 185. " Go farther and fare worse," 200. Going, the barrister, Curran's mot on, 54, 55. " Going to the pit," 23. Goldsmitli's " Elegy on a Mad Dog" cited, 16, "Good is not the word," 106. Goold, the barrister, story of, 1 05. Gordon, Duchess of, on Earl of Buchan, 43. Gordon, Lord George, referred to, 40, Graham, Lord, Lord North on, 178. Grant, the brothers. Hook on, 184, Grant, Sir Robert, stories of, 185, Grattan, anecdotes of, 183. " Gravesend by water," 108. " Grav: jamdudum," 14. " Great first cause," 135. "Great Seal, the," 66. " Great snoring," 73. Green, Thomas, his Diary quoted, 155. GreviUe, Charles, his Diary quoted, 17, at passim. Gronow, Captain, his Diary quoted, 30, et passim. Guizot and his cook, 236. Gunter, the confectioner. Lord Middleton's mot on, 48. Haldane, Dr, anecdote of, 204, " Half seas over," 92. " Half-worn wumman," 217. Haliburton, Judge, anecdote of, 103, Hallam, Henry, satirized, 47. Hamilton, Sir John, sayings by, 51, 52, Handshaking, Sydney Smith on, 9. Hardwick, Lord. See Yorke. " Hare with many friends," 133. 272 INDEX. Harley, the actor, story of, 168. Harness, Rev. W., quoted. 266. Harris, Henry, story of, 167. Harrison, W. H., his itemimscoices quoted, 21, et passim; imthj, 148. Hatton, Lord Chancellor, referred to, 66 ; mot by, 94. " Haven't made up my mind," 127. Hawes, surgeon, Hook on, 19. Haydon, B. R., his Diary quoted, 45, et pass. Hayward, Abraham, his Essays quoted, 41, ct passim. Heine, Heinrich, quoted, 197. Henn, Jonathan, anecdotes of, 90. Hermaud, Lord, story about, 50 ; anecdote of, 96. " Heroes of Erin, two," 71. " He that hath made us," 70. Hicks, the barrister, stories of, 85. High Life below Stairs, quoted, 46. Hill, Rowland, anecdotes of, 192, 193. Hoby, the bootmaker, stories of, 255, 256. " Hog is not bacon," 83. Holland, First Lord, anecdotes of, 41, 180. Holland, Lady, quoted, 7, etpass.; referred to, 37 ; Talleyrand ou, 228. Holland, Lord, Talleyi-and on, 228. Holmes, anecdote of, 185. Holmes, the hamster, mot by, 104. Holt, Lord, anecdote of, 103. " Hoo did Pharaoh dee?" 218. Hood, Sir Frederick, story of, 184. Hood, Thomas, mots by, il9, 120. Hook, Theodore, anecdotes of, 19-27; cited, 211, 212. Horace cited, 54. Houghton, Lord, cited, 18 ; his Monographs quoted, 52, 53. House of Commons, Lord Maynard on, 51, Howley, Archbishop, story of, 198. ' ' Humbly conceive, I," 103. Hume, Joseph, Plunket's mot on, 67, 68. Hunt, Leigh, anecdote of, 122. " Hurly-burly's done, when the," 150. " Husband living, the," 102. Hutton's Life of Bagehot quoted, 147. " I doubt," 109. " Ignoramus for self and fellows," 55. •' Industry shall be my bread," 136. "Insurrection of the blacks," 142. " Intellect improperly exposed," 8. Ireland, Lords Lieutenant of, anecdot<3S of, 225, 226. Irish anecdotes, 221-226. Irving, Henry, quoted, 165. Irving, Washington, mx>t by, 138. "Itch in the Temple of Fame, an," 144. Jeaffreson, J. C, his Booh about Lawyers quoted, 36, et passim. Jeffrey, Lord, on the North Pole, 17. Jeffreys, Maynard's retort upon, 94. Jekjdl, anecdotes of, 34-37. ■Jerdan, his Memoirs quoted, 48, et passim; sayings by, 139. Jerrold, Douglas, referred to, 140 ; mot$ by, 142-147. Jesse, J. H., referred to, 141. " Jewly taken up," 47. Job Wall and Mary Best, Hick's lines on, 85. Johnson, Lady, anecdote of, 213. Johnson, Dr, stories of, 131 ; quoted, 156 ; Foote on, 157. "Jure inariti," 107. Kean, the actor, referred to, 84 ; cited, 174. " Keep up the breed, to," 38. Keller, Jeremiah, stories- of, 88, 89. KeUy, Hugh, Foote on, 157. Kemble, Charles, cited, 175, 222. Kemble, Fanny, her Records of a Girlhood quoted, 17, et passim. Kemble, John, stories of, 154, 167. Kemble, Mrs, cited, 138, 258. Kenny, the playwright, viot by, IGO ; cited, j 135. Kenyon, the Judge, referred to, 34, 36, 37 : Lord Thurlow on, 76 ; Lord Elleuborough on, 80, 82. King, the actor, story of, 161, " Knight bachelor or knight errant,' 128. Knowles, Sheridan, anecdotes of, 126, 127. Knyvett, the composer, story of, 244. Konig, story of, 251. Krasinski, Count, anecdote of, 242. " Lad that louses the cravats," 219. Lady of Lyons, The, referred to, 50. Lamartine, Sydney Smith on, 13. Lamb, Charles, sayings by, 132-136. " Lamb-pun him, I'U," 134. Landseer, Rogers on, 118. Lanigan, Bishop, story of, 199. Lasso, Luttrell on the, 32. " Last chapter of Samuel," 120. Lauderdale, Lord, Sheridan ou, 123. Lawyers, anecdotes of, 54-112. " Lawyers are just," 109. Lawyers, Robert Smith on, 84. " Leaning to mercy," 92. Lennox, Lord Wm., his Recollections quoted, 19, et passim; mot by, 48, 49. L'Estrange quoted, 94. Lewis, M. G., Sheridan on, 124 ; lines bj% 149 ; story about, 208. " Libertas sub rege pio," 85. " Licentia omnes deteriores sumus," 83. " Lieutenant in the Navy, a," 256. " Light and shade, immense breadth of," 13. Lindsay, Lady Charlotte, mots by, 52, 53. Linley, Rev. Ozias, cited, 124 ; anecdotes of, 194, 195. Linley, Wm., anecdotes of, 150-152. Listen, the actor, story of, 161. Literary men, anecdotes of, 113-153. " Little dale " and *' great dale," 100. " Little of its age," 157. Liverjwol, a mayor of, 251. "Locke on the Human Understanding," 84, 196. INDEX. 273 Locke^, Frederick, ^his Patchwork quoted, 37, et pa?Bim. Lockhart's Life of Scott quoted, 100. " Lord Young and Mr Essex," 1(53. "Losing tallow," 57. L6t and Salter, Hick's lines on, 86. Louis XVIII., Talleyrand on, 226. Luttrell, Henry, anecdotes of, 31-33 ; cited, 2^1. Lyne, Con., Plunket on, 68. L;fsaght, the barrister, anecdotes of, 85, S3. '• Macadamnable," 53. Macaulay, Lord, Sydney Snath on, 16; quoted, 84 ; anecdotes of, 136, 137. MacCulloch, J. R., mot by, 138. Macdonald, Chief-Baron, pun by, 99. Mackay, Charles, his Forty Years' Recollec- tions quoted, 146, et pass. Mackintosh, Sir James, Dr Parr on, 131 ; mot by, 184. Macklin, Charles, Foote on, 158. Macmillan's Magazine quoted, 100. Macnally, the barrister, Curran on, 61 ; Par- sons on, 87. Maltby, anecdote of, 204. "Malum in se," 66. " Man reads, the," 220. Mansell, Bishop, ei:)igram on, 198. Mansfield, Lord, anecdotes of, 91, 92. "Man's mother, a," 147. Marcet, Mrs, cited, 18. Maret, Talleyrand on, 232. Marie Antoinette, story of, 237 Marie Louise, the Empress, story of, 237. Marseillaise, The, Boyle Roche on, 80. Martineau, Harriet, Macaulay on, 137. Mathews, Charles, anecdote of, 163, 164 ; re- ferred to, 259. Mathews, Charles James, his Life cited, 37. " May die," 205. Maynard, Lord, on the House of Commons, 51. Maynard, Lord Chancellor, sayings of, 94, 95. Meadows, Sir Wm. , lines by, 209. "Mediocre," Jerrold on, 145. Melbourne, Lord, Sydney Smith on, 18; stories of, 187. Mendelssohn, anecdote of, 245. " Mens conscia recti," 252. Methuen, Sir Paul, retort of, 51. Middleton, Lord, his mot on Gunter, 48. Milton quoted, 135. Mirabeau, Maury on, 235. Missing, the barrister, story about, 112. " Miss-souri and Miss-sisippi," 141. Mitford, Miss, quoted, 39. "Mitre Court," 108. " Mob of gentlemen," 134. " Mole ruit sua," 149. Moncrietf, Sir Henry, anecdote of, 198. Monkeys, Luttrell on, 33. Montague, Basil, mot by, 150. Montague, Henry, pun by, 161. Montrond, Count, Talleyrand on, 227 ; mots by, 223, 233. Moore, Thomas, his Diary quoted, 13, et passim, Rogers' mx}t on, 117. More, Sir Thomas, mat of, 83. Morgan, Lady, alluded to, 46. Mother-of-Pearl, Hook on, 21. " Murdering the tune," 154. " Murder of the Innocents, the," 133. Murray, John, Hook on, 22. "Mutes, not liquids," 108. " Namesake, T. P. Cooke," 127. Napoleon, Talleyrand on, 232. " Nation of Soldiers, a," 43. "Naturally so stupid," 81. "Necessity," Peel on, 188. " Ne plus ultra," 72. " Ne quid nigh Miss," 206. Newbury and Bibury, 200. New Zealand, Bishop of, Sydney Smith's ad- vice to, 15. Nightingale, Mr, story of, 250. " Nimtrum intelligit unus," 54. " Nine and one are ten," 159. Nisbett, Mrs, the actress, referred to, 166. " Nobody's son," 39 " No issue to try," 62. " No laughing matter," 123. Norbury, Ld. , Curran's mot on, 60 ; anecdote of, 78, 79, 182. North, Dudley, mx)ts by, 47, 48. North, Lord, anecdotes of, 178, 179. Northington, Lord, anecdote of, 101. " Nothing in it," 56. " No understanding between them," 73. " Observation has caught fire," 13. O'Connell, Daniel, mots and epigrams by, 182. O'Connell, Luttrell on, 32. O'Connell, Morgan, mot by, 222. O'Connell, Phil., mot by, 104. O'Connor, Feargus, Sir Robert Peel on, 188. O'Farrell, Garrat, story of, 98. O'Flannagan, J. R., his IHsh Bar quoted, 66, et pojssim. " Oft up the tide of time," 153. Ogle, Dean, alluded to, 29. O'Grady, Chief-Baron, anecdotes of, 89, 90. "Oh, Damas,''174. "Old Bags," 74. O'Leary, Father, mot by, 202. " Omne nemus resonat," 71. " Once removed," 15. " One fool makes many," 134. O'Neil, Miss, Lord Byron on, 120. " Only spoon left," 111. Onslow, Thomas, Lord Cranley, epigram on, 50, 51. " Open to that objection," 70. Orange, Prince of, and Ld. Chancellor May- nard, 95. Orton, Arthur, lines on, 248. Osborne, Mr Bernal, cited, 28, referred to, 188. Owen, Professor, referred to, 37. " Oyer sans terminer, 112. 274 INDEX. " Pain and Fuss," 134. Paine, Tom, lines by, 148. Paley, Archdeacon, stories of, 194. Palmerston, Ld., stories of, 188. Park, Judge, Erskine's lines on, 64. Parr, Dr, stories of, 131, 132. " Parson's Green," 129. Parsons, the barrister, sayings by, 87. " Paul, Paul, why persecutest thou me ? " 190. Payne, Lady, Erskine's compliment to, 64 ; yheridan's lines for, 125. Peake, the dramatist, stories of, 130.' Peel, Sir Robert, anecdotes of, 188. "Penman Moore," 67. " Pepper-caster," 78. •' Pere la Chaise," 233. " Perfection to the pea," 7. Phillips, his Life of Curran, quoted, 54, et passim. " Philip to the appetite," 122. " Pint between four of us, a," 27. Piron's retort on Voltaire, 235. Pitt, Sheridan on, 125. " Poor horse has cut his throat," 164. Planche, J. R., his Recollections quoted, 22, et passim ; Douglas Jerrold's mot on, 142. Plumer, the barrister, Erskine's lines on, 65. Plunket, the barrister, anecdotes of, 66-69. Polish refugees, James Smith on, 140. Pollock, Sir Frederick, sayings of, 93. Poole, the dramatist, stories of, 128, " Pope of Rome, the," 216. Pond, Bishop, referred to, 67. Ponsonby, Mr SelwjTi on, 42. Porson, Richard, anecdotes of, 202, 203. " Portati mi il mio Cloaca Maxima," 44. Posterity, Boyle Roche on, 79. Powell, Justice, story of, 86, 87. Power, the actor. Hood's viot on, 120 ; story of, 168. Powys, Sir Lyttleton, referred to, 102. Prettyman, Bishop, referred to, 202. Prince Consort, the, and his children, 260. Procter, B. W., quoted, 133. See Cornwall. " Pro re nata," 89. " Putting things, way of," 8. "Quicunque vult," 204. "Quid rides." 55. Quin, the actor, stories of, 159. " Rabbits hot," 201. Raikes, Thomas, his Diary quoted, 30, et passim ; satirized by D'Orsay, 37. Ramsaj-, Dean, quoted, 220. " Redeunt spectacula," 32. Rees, the publisher, Sydney Smith on, 13. Reeve, Jack, Hook on, 23. " Relache," 210. Renaud, Mrs, story of, 168. " Rent in arrear," 97. " Reserved the point," 106. " Returnable into this court," 78. Reynolds, J. Hamilton, stories of, 14S. Richardson, Lord, Chief-Justice, saying by, 94. Richelieu, Fenelon's retort upon, 234. Richmond, the Dowager-Duchess, story of, 45. Ritson, the antiquary, alluded to, 12. " Roake or Varty?" 122. Robinson, Archdeacon, Sir George Ross on, 108. Robinson, Crabb, his Diary quoted; 15, et passim. Robinson, Sir Thomas, Chesterfield's lines on, 40. Roche, Sir Boyle, Curran's mots on, 56 ; anec- dotes of, 79, 80 ; 183, 181. Rochester, Earl of, story of, 190. Rogers, Samuel, his Tabk Talk quoted, 15, et passim; cited, 22, et pass..- his epigram on Lord Dudley, 30 ; Lord Dudley on, 30, 118; mots by, 117-119. Rolle, Lord, on his wife's parsimony, 43, 44. Roman Catholicism, Winnington, 49. Ross, Lord de, anecdote concerning, 46. Ross, Sir George, anecdotes of, 106-110. Rossini, anecdotes of, 244, 245. Routh, Dr, stories of, 207. " Ruat Coelum," 34. Rulhieres, Talleyrand on, 228. Russell, Lord John, Sydney Smith on, 8 : re- fesrred to, 12 ; quoted, 121 ; on Barnett, 189. Salms, Princess of, Curran on, 192, Sandwich, Lord, Selwyn on, 40. Saunders and Otley, 250. Sam-in, the lawyer, O'Connell on, 182. Scholars, stories of, S02-207. "Scilicet," 107. Scotch anecdotes, 213-221. Scott. Sir Walter, cited, 96, 97 ; quoted, 211. Selwjm, George, anecdotes of, 40-43. Serjeants-at-law, Jekyll on, 36. Servants, stories about, 262-265. " Service at the house," 106. " Shade over, a," 23. " Shake - Speare," 78. Sharpe, Luttrell on, 31. " Sharper than a serpent's tooth," 171. " Sheep's head for ever," 145. Shell, the barrister, story of, 105. Shelbume, Lord, anecdote of, 179. Sheridan, R. B., mote by, 123-126 ; referred to, 149, 199. Sheridan, Thomas, story of, 261. "Shikspur," 46. " Shoot the gintleman," 221. '' Shot a bookseller," 116. Sinclair, Archdeacon, his Old Tiines quoted, 29, et passim. Sinclair, Sir John, alluded to, 66. " Sit in my bones," 10. Sketfington, Sir Lumley, his "Sleeping Beauty," 39. " Sleeping Beauty," Skeffington's, 39. Smith, Horace, sayings by, 142. Smith, James, alluded to, 22 ; anecdotes of. and epigrams by, 139-141. Smith, O., the actor, alluded to, 127. INDEX. 275 Smith, Robert, referred to, 34 ; sayings by, 84 ; Talleyrand on, 230. Smith, Sydney, anecdotes of, 8-19 ; cited 27, et passim. Snow, Joseph, wot by, 138. Society, Men of, anecdotes of, 7-53. Socinians, Sydney Smith on, 8. " Softest part about him," 56. Soldiers and sailors, stories of, 209-212. Somerville, Mrs, her Autobiography quoted, 217. " Sound divine, a," 203. " Sovereignty of the people, the," 42. " Spelt with a K," 93. " Splendid Shilling, the," 185. " Spoil your conversation," 110. Spoleto, Marquis, story of, 241. Stael, Madame de, Talleyrand on, 227, 231, mot by, 239. Statesmen and politicians, anecdotes of, 178- 191. " Steady eye, a," 199. " Steps for the Muses," 129. "Stick a few principles into him," 13. St Ledger, Curran's mot on, 57. Stone, Phil, story of, 175. Stowell, Lord, Lord Eldon on, 73 ; on Lord Eldon, 73. " Striking beauty, a," 39, Sussex, Duke of, saying by, 49. "Sweetest pear I know," 108. " Take him for half and half," 138. "Take himself off," 158. Talleyrand, anecdotes of, 226-232; mot on, 236 ; epigram on, 239. Talfourd, P'rank, saying by, 130. Talfourd, Serjeant, referred to, 130. Tallow candles, Jekyll on, 35. Talma, the actor, story of, 168. Teignmouth, Lord, his Reminiscences quoted, 43, et passim. *' Tender maid, a," 36. Tennyson, Alfred, anecdote about, 207. Terry, the attorney, Erskine's epigram on, 63. Thackeray, anecdotes of, 137, 138. Thames Tunnel, Hood on, 120. " That's yoiir own !" 202. Theatre, The, cited, 176. " Theodoric," 139. " Theophilus," Roger's lines on, 117. Thesiger, Sir Frederick, pun by, 99. See Chelmsford. Thiers, Talleyrand on, 232. " Thing called gripes," 121. " Thousand pounds lighter, a," 193. " Three Colonels," 182. " Three words to a drunkard," 21. 'Uurlow, Lord, anecdotes of, 75-77. .'ierney, mot by, 185. fillotson, Archbishop, story of, 198. •'Timber to timber," 193. " To let "—".Unfurnished," 125. Tooke, Home, jokes by, 186. " Took ye for my ain wife," 96. Torrens' Life of Melbourne cited, 187. Townshend, Lady, mots by, 44. Townshend, Lord, anecdote of, 181. " Traverse absque hock," 70. Tree, Miss Maria, referred to, 168. Trevelyan's Life ofMacaulay quoted, 116, 136, 137. Trevor, Sir John, mot about, 1C6. " Tried before," 143. " Trunk before him, carries his," 65. " Trusty and well-beloved cousin, our," 40. " Turpissimus," 35. Tweeddale, Marchioness of, anecdote of, 46. Twiss, Horace, mot by, 90, 91. " Under the shade of melancholy boughs," 148. "Unremitting kindness," 146. " Upright Judge, an," 94. Veiled Prophet, the, parody on, 254, " Verify citations," 207. " Vingt-un " and " Loo," 23 ; " Vingt-un overdrawn," 24. Viscontina, The, Chesterfield on, 39. Voltaire, Charles Lamb on, 135 ; Piron's retort on, 235. " "Waist for common," 62. Wakefield, Gilbert, Person on, 203. Walpole, Edward, mot by, 249. Walpole, Horace, quoted, 39, et passim; mot by, 44. " Wants hanging," 147. " Wapping sinners," 193. " Warburton on Shakespeare," 155. " "Weather or no," 26. "Westmoreland, Ld., his peculiar French, 51. "Wharton, Duke of, anecdote of, 190. Whately, Archbishop, mots and jokes by, 196 197 ; cited, 251. " "What he hit is history," 119. "Whewell, Professor, story about, 256. White, Blanco, referred to, 9. White, Lydia, mot by, 149. Whitfield, Lady Townsend on, 44. "Who wrote it? "46. Wilberforce, Bishop, Sir F. Pollock on, 03. Wilde, Serjeant, cited, 152, Wilkes, John, story of, 183. William IV. alluded to, 39 ; witticism by, 49. Williams, Judge, story of, 101. Williams, Philip, anecdote of, 97. " Wind had the worst of it," 89. Windham, Wm., referred to, 205. Winnington, mot by, 48. " Withdraw my countenance," 125. Woffington, Peg, referred to, 159. "Wooden walls of Ireland, the," 52. Wordsworth, epitaph on, 149. Wraxall, Sir Nathaniel, his Memoirs quoted, 47, et passim. Wright, Rev. W„ story of, 199. " Write for antiquity, I'll," 134. 276 INDEX. Yates, the actor, anecdote of, 159. Yelverton, Barry. See Avonmore. York, Duke of, Sheridan on, 123. York, the Duchess of, rmi by, 45. Yorke, Charles, 125. Yorke, Philip, anecdote of, 102. Young, Charles Mayne, anecdotes of, 28, 62, 163 ; cited, 241. Young. Rev. J. C, his Biary and La&t Leaves quoted, 19, tt passim. Young, the poet, cited, 179. " Youth protects you, your," 38. Note.— In part of this edition, "Oxford," in the footnote on page 44, is a misprint for "Orford;" and on page 95, "Maywood" should be read "Maynard." THE END. V^ COMMERCIAL PRINTING COMPAKY, EDI^;BaRGIl. ^^ 14 DAY USE lETURN TO DESK FROM WmCH BORKOWED LOAN DEPT. This RENEWALS ONLY— TEL. NO. 642^405 This book is due on the last date stamped below, or on the date to which renewed. ' a| Renewed books are subject to immediate recall. REC'D L NOV 4 b receive:© AM RECC MAR22 19788 ].'^^-«""'5g \6\»' REtW AUGlJO '82 REO: ISEP 1 9 8^;., ^^ M JAN 2 LD 21-100»»-7. *Ai^-^^ LD 21A-40m-2.'69 ^■.TfiOiiTfil 0^476 A-32 General Library University of California I U.C. BERKELEY LiefiARIES coase^mis