SB LIBRARY X- * MRS. CLEVELAND. POLITE SOCIETY AT HOME AND APROAD A Complete Compendium of Information upon all Topics Classified under the Head of Etiquette. BY MRS. ANNIE R. WHITE, (Formerly Editor "Young Folks' Monthly," Associate Editor "Western Rural;" and for many years contributor to the press.) 'Man in society is like a flower Blown in its native bed. 'Tis there alone His faculties, expanded in full bloom, . Shine out there only reach their proper use." COWPEII MONARCH BOOK COMPANY, (Successors to and formerly L. P. MILLER & CO.,) PUBLISHERS, CHICAGO, ILL., PHILADELPHIA, PA., AND STOCKTON, CAL. COPYRIGHTED BY CHARLES S. SUTPHEN. 1891. INTRODUCTORY. A subject which has been handled in many ways, and by many minds, always presents difficulties to one who attempts to set it forth in a new light. And yet the theme of oui book is susceptible of many new thoughts, and many changes of old thoughts which are of value to the reader. The etiquette of polite society changes so materially in some phases, and with such marked contrast among differ- ent peoples and periods, that it is almost a hopeless task to formulate rules that shall absolutely govern with the same unchangeability that stamped the laws of the Medes and the Persians. The nearest approach to such a task is to give to the in- quirer those usages and forms which prevail in good soci- ety, and which, with slight modifications, are adapted to any part of the habitable globe. And while these rules are, in their general contour, applicable to any position in life, t^ie good sense and knowledge of fitness of things, will help to a comprehension of those exceptional occasions, when even the etiquette which obtains everywhere, can be changed in a slight degree, without marring the force of the custom as usually accepted. The fact that the rules of good behavior are current everywhere, is based on their be- ing the outgrowth of something more substantial than mere forms. They are grounded in that kindness of heart, that unselfish desire to make one'self agreeable and attractive, which must have a place with all, ere they can lay claim to being truly polite. 4 INTRODUCTORY. 5 Life brings a discipline to all ; a discipline which bears directly upon every human being, making it his duty to be acceptable to his fellow-creatures. And unless certain tenets of good behavior are acknowledged and indorsed by society, how is the novice to know when he has trespassed upon good manners ? The deepest thinkers all unite in pronouncing human nature essentially selfish. But, by studying the rules laid down by good society for guidance, and practicing them continually, they become second nature, and selfishness is kept in the background. Politeness becomes easy, if habit- ual, and performs its mission in bringing its followers up from the plane of self-love to a higher moral one, where thoughtless self-gratification is subdued, and time and at- tention are devoted to looking after the comfort and wel- fare of others. Much remains to be said upon the value of good manners. They should be the outgrowth of character ; a character built up in youth. Character is more than reputation. The young should learn its value, and early acquire it. The world may misunderstand it generally does misconstrue human actions. But a clear conscience, a kindly nature, and fine manners, can conquer all things. But even though certain customs may change, the princi- ples which underlie social laws ever remain the same. Re- garding etiquette then, from a higher standpoint than the mere following of certain set forms, we have added to those forms truths that lie deeper than outward observances. Mere politeness, unaccompanied by a desire to make it a nature of daily life, is very empty and unsatisfying. The moral nature must be developed at the same time, and the innate tendency to prefer self, must be kept in abeyance. 6 INTRODUCTORY. The life will then grow beautiful, the expressions of good will to all become spontaneous, and a broader culture, which is an aid to success in the world, will result. Good manners are pivots upon which a man's fortunes may be said to turn. Who is so unwelcome as the person destitute of them ? No one likes to transact business with such a one, no pleasure is afforded by his society. It is the aim of this work to impress upon all the im- portance of acquiring them ; not alone for the pleasure which they afford, but because they are links in the chain which binds human beings to each other, and to a Higher Power. Indifference to the comfort of others betokens a selfish, coarse nature, and repels those whose sympathies are active, and to whom civility is the natural expression of gentle def- erence, ever seeking to confer pleasure upon others. To all our readers is this volume especially addressed, with the sincere desire that profit and instruction may be gathered from its pages. And we feel certain that it will help the novice or the timid one, to know just what to do under all circumstances, assisting all to avoid those mortifying mis- takes which are so distressing to a proud and sensitive nature. Every line has been penned with the hope that our treatment of the important subject of etiquette will make the duties of social life more clear, and awaken a desire for that culture which raises the soul to a more lofty ideal of the life we live here. THE AUTHOR. CONTENTS, CHAPTER I. PAGE. Value of Etiquette 8 ,e ... . . .. q CHAPTER II. Home Manners 17 CHAPTER III. A Few Words to the Children 25 CHAPTER IV. In the Street 34 CHAPTER V. Salutations 47 CHAPTER VI. Washington Etiquette v 56 CHAPTER VII. Introductions *. 67 CHAPTER VIII. Going into Society 80 CHAPTER IX. Parties, Balls, and Like Entertainments 92 CHAPTER X. Traveling Manners 106 CHAPTER XI. Conversation an Art 1 18 CHAPTER XII. Wedding Customs 134 CHAPTER XIH. In the Dining Room 153 CHAPTER XIV. Table Manners i?i CHAPTER XV. Gentlemen's Calls 185 CHAPTER XVI. Ladies' Calls 199 CHAPTER XVII. Appearance in Public 212 7 8 CONTENTS. CHAPTER XVIII. PAGE, Anniversaries 224 CHAPTER XIX. The Timid, the Awkward and Shy 237 CHAPTER XX. The Guest Chamber 250 CHAPTER XXI. Letter Writing 261 CHAPTER XXII. Taste and Harmony in Dress 277 CHAPTER XXIII. The Boys and Girls at Home 293 CHAPTER XXIV. The House of Mourning 301 CHAPTER XXV. Etiquette of Visiting 317 CHAPTER XXVI. A Short Chapter on Business 329 CHAPTER XXVII. Parents and Children 336 CHAPTER XXVIII. After Marriage 346 CHAPTER XXIX. Floral Language 356 CHAPTER XXX. Etiquette of Births and Christenings 375 CHAPTER XXXI. Miscellaneous Rules of Etiquette 386 CHAPTER XXXII. Home Courtesies 397 CHAPTER XXXIII. Toilet Recipes 403 CHAPTER XXXIV. . Etiquette of the Schoolroom 424 CHAPTER XXXV. What Shall we Read ? 430 CHAPTER I. VALUE OF ETIQUETTE SNEERING AT ETIQUETTE. IT is the practice with certain people to sneer at the word "etiquette," and to claim that it merely means a foolish pandering to frivolous customs which in themselves have no meaning or use. This is a misapprehension which a little thoughtful considera- tion will remove. Certain rules for the government of social, busi- ness and political life have been current for genera- tions, and have been handed down with almost unva- rying exactitude, in all civilized lands. Such customs or laws, are grounded in good taste, a sense of the fitness of things, kindly feelings, and a mutual desire to smooth away the asperities and roughness which would prevail among so many persons of varying tastes and ideas, without a certain set of rules to help to this end. A POLITE PERSON ADMIRED. Who is not attracted toward a polite, 'well-bred person? Who does not carry with them, perhaps 10 VALUE OF ETIQUETTE. through life, the remembrance of some real gentle- man or lady with whom they came in contact, at perhaps, an early period of their life? The pleasant memory such a person has left, and the agreeable impression, may unconsciously have had some influ- ence upon their own life, and served as a model for their own behavior when launched into the society which they wish to adorn. . To understand and cultivate the tenets laid down by good society, is not to assume airs, or does not prevent the recognition of the "rough diamond" that sometimes shines out from among those whose early advantages have not been many. Rather it adds a higher polish to that gem, and gives it a higher luster. CERTAIN RULES. Rules of etiquette have their allotted place among the forces of life, and must be acknowledged as moral agents in refining and making more agreeable our daily intercourse with each other. .They are agents for good. They teach us to be more lenient with the various elements which compose society. Life is a sort of a partnership in which each human being has an interest; and the laws of etiquette, well enforced, oblige us to make concessions to the many tastes, prejudices and habits of those we meet in the social circle, at public entertainments, in business relations, or when traveling. OP ETIQUETTE. it If the value of good breeding is in danger of being depreciated, it is only necessary to compare the impression which a gentle, pleasant demeanor leaves upon you, with the gruff, abrupt or indifferent car- riage of those who affect to despise good manners. If two applicants for a position are equally capable, it is safe to assert that in every case, the agreeable and courteous seeker will obtain it in preference to the other, who is his equal in all respects, save that he is deficient in that suave dignity that charms all. We are all susceptible to the charm of good man ners. Indeed, society could not be maintained save for the usages of etiquette. But true etiquette must spring from a sincere desire to make every one around us feel at ease; a determination to exercise a thought- ful regard for the feelings of others. It is this patient forbearance with the eccentricities of all, which stamps the true lady or gentleman. It is a duty which each one owes to himself, to acquire certain rules for guidance, which shall make him a welcome guest in any circle. WHAT ETIQUETTE IS. Etiquette is not a servile yielding up of one's individuality, or cold formality. It is rather the beautiful frame which is placed around a valuable picture to prevent its being marred or defaced. 12 VALUE OF ETIQUETTE. Etiquette throws a protection around the well- bred, keeping the coarse and disagreeable at a distance, and punishing those who violate her dic- tates, with banishment from the social circle. MANNERS NECESSARY TO GOOD STANDING. Manners are obligatory upon a man, and even more than that upon a woman. A man who is gentle, defers to others, listens respectfully to the aged, or to those who are inferior to him in position or intelligence, is liked by every one. His presence is a protection to women, his conversation is a wealth of pleasure, and all feel bettered by sharing his society. To be all this, he must be, as a well- known author says: "The ideal gentleman is a clean man, body and soul. He acts kindly from the impulse of a kind heart. He is brave because with a conscience void of offense, he has nothing to fear. He is never embarrassed, for he respects himself and is profoundly conscious of right intentions. To preserve his self- respect he keeps his honor unstained, and to retain the good opinion of others he neglects no civility. He respects even the prejudices of honest men; opposes without bitterness, and yields without admitting defeat. He is never arrogant, and never weak. He bears himself with dignity, but never VALUE OF ETIQUETTE. 13 haughtily. Too wise to despise trifles, he is too noble to be mastered by them. To superiors he is respectful without servility; to equals courteous; to inferiors so kind that they forget their inferiority. He carries himself with grace in all places, is easy but never familiar, genteel without affectation. His quick perceptions tell him what to do under all cir- cumstances, and he approaches a king with as much ease as he would display in addressing a beggar. He unites gentleness of manner with firmness of mind; commands with mild authority, and asks favors with persistent grace and assurance. Always well-informed and observant of events, but never pedantic, he wins his way to the head through the heart, by the short- est route, and keeps good opinions once won, because he deserves them." But if a gentleman should be all this, how much more essential are good manners to a woman! A rude, loud-spoken, uncultured woman is a positive blot upon nature, and repels, by her lack of breeding, those who would not be slow to acknowledge the real worth and talent she possessed, and which would come to the surface, were she clothed in the beautiful garments of modesty^ gentle speech and ease of man- ner. A lady should be quiet in her manners, natural and unassuming in her language, careful to wound no one's feelings, but giving generously and freely from 14 VALUE OF ETIQUETTE. the treasures of her pure mind to her friends. Scorn- ing no one openly, but having a gentle pity for the unfortunate, the inferior and the ignorant, at the same time carrying herself with an innocence and single- heartedness which disarms ill nature, and wins respect and love from all. Such an one is a model for her sex; the "bright particular star" on which men look with revere-nce. The influence of such a woman, is a power for good which cannot be over-estimated. Every young girl can become such a lady. Men strive to please and honor such women. Through them must come those refinements of manner and speech so necessary in society. BEAUTY WORTHLESS WITHOUT BREEDING. A woman may be gifted with great beauty, and may still be very unprepossessing, if she does not cultivate that knowledge of the laws of etiquette which will enable her to conduct herself so that she will not attract attention by her awkwardness and ignorance of forms. This fact is emphasized by the experience of every observer. It is a common saying that many a woman who has no personal charms to boast of, is much more fascinating than her more beautiful sisters, some of whom have depended entirely upon their looks to please, forgetting that "Beauty is only skin- deep," and that the flower without perfume is not BEAUTY S ATTRACTIONS. VALUE OF ETIQUETTE. 15 admired, as is the less showy but fragrant blossom. Fine manners are the outward manifestations of an inward beauty that the world is quick to discern. Society is held together, so to speak, by certain unchangeable laws, which bind its different members in one harmonious whole. When these laws are not observed through ignorance or indifference, how mor- tifying are the experiences of those who have com- mitted a sin against good breeding. How earnestly they wish that they had known better! COMPEL RESPECT. To be mannerly and respectful, to know how to accept the amenities of social life and to return them in kind, is to compel respect and command an entrance into good society. And this can be attained by any one, rich or poor, in this broad land of ours, where the narrow distinctions of caste have not as yet secured a foothold, and where every man is as good as a king. Thus good manners become a practical lever with which to raise one in his daily life. Wealth needs their aid to give character and tone to their surroundings. The poor man needs them to assist him in finding a higher position, which shall be more independent. Believing, then, in the intrinsic value of etiquette, we would say, in the words of another: 16 VALUE OF ETIQUETTE. "The finest nature and the most generous impulses, cannot make graceful habits. It is only by acquaint- ance with the accepted customs of the most refined society, that the pain and humiliation of embarrass- ment is avoided. He who knov/s society at its best is easily master of himself in any lower level. Those have been bred in an atmosphere of intelligent refine- ment, and know no way but the right way, are happy, because mistakes to them are well nigh impossible, but the thousands in whose busy lives there has been time for little else than useful and honorable work, but whose ambition prompts them to self-culture, need not despair of mastering all necessary social forms, and acquiring the gentle courtesy which is the winning secret of the gently bred." CHAPTER II. HOME MANNERS HOME THE BIRTHPLACE OF GOOD MANNERS. THE home is the foundation of all good things. The manners that win respect must be taught in the home circle. A child who has pleasant, courteous parents, who seek to inculcate simple maxims of good behavior is fortunate, and starts out in life at. an advantage over the one who is not so instructed. There are many well-brecl people who would not for the world transgress a rule of politeness, but who neglect laying down any rules for the guidance ot their children, thinking possibly that when they are older, they will naturally acquire that ease of manner which is essential to success in the world. They may possibly do so, particularly if the little folks are of good dispositions, and are imitative. But that does not relieve the parents of their duty in the matter. They owe it to their children and to society, to in- struct them how to be gentle, courteous, and above all, self-denying. 2 17 18 HOME MANNERS. BICKERINGS. How often strangers are shocked and repelled by witnessing the little bickerings going on in the family circle between brothers and sisters. These discour- teous expressions must be curbed by continual over- sight on the part of parents or guardians, and by firm and wise government. COURTESY SHOULD BE PRACTICED AT ALL TIMES. If the elder members of a family practice courtesy toward each other, in the seclusion of the home, the young will catch the same spirit, and it will be far easier for the young man and young woman when their turn comes to enter life's busy arena, to know what is expected of them. They have a capital to begin on, as it were and that capital is refined man- ners. A MOTHER'S DUTY. Many children will acquire bad qualities through the carelessness of those who have them in their care such as malice, greediness, lack of personal neatness, and rough indifference to the comfort of others. All these faults it is the mother's duty to eradicate. Her first care must be to teach them self-respect; and one of the first evidences of this feeling, is good manners. All children have an inborn sense of justice, HOME MANNERS. 19 should never be reproved before strangers for any remissness. A rebellious spirit is aroused, which often breaks out in open defiance or sullen resentment. Children can be trained to reciprocate courtesies, and to behave politely everywhere, without making prim little martinets of them. Teach them to respect each other's rights to enjoy their merry romp and innocent fun without hurting each other's feelings, or playing upon some weakness. Games and romps should be encouraged at home; but let the stronger children guard the weaker, nor forget that even fun may become rough and wearisome. GIVE CHILDREN PETS. A fine plan to draw out the better nature of children is to let them have pets. It teaches them to be gentle and protecting, and makes them self-reliant. Choose their companions, or rather show them how to select those for intimates who will not lower their moral tone. We do not refer to their social position. Many a poor boy is an innate gentleman. Teach your children so that they will shrink from contact with the coarse and impure, and will not choose their companions for the money their parents possess, but for their true worth and agreeable manners. Chil- dren must be taught never to be ashamed of a poor friend, but to blush if they have a loud, rude associate, 20 HOME MANNERS. even though he may be the possessor of wealth untold. COMMENCE LIFE IN* A HOME OF YOUR OWN. As the home is the school of good manners, the young couple in starting out to build a home, should first secure a home, not a boarding-place. Once established in this home, preserve its affairs inviolate. Do not betray the secrets of your married life to even your most intimate friends. In fact you should have no friends save mutual ones, and those should never be made confidantes of. A man or woman who will speak slightingly of a life-companion, has outraged the first principles of happiness in the marriage relations respect and politeness, and is not fit to be trusted. No well-bred person will betray the faults or shortcomings of another. ECONOMY NECESSARY. In money matters the wife should be economical and careful. Often women incur bills without the husband's knowledge. Such a course is disastrous to a man who is struggling to attain a position in the world. On the other hand, many men make the mis- take of concealing their financial condition from a wife. Some don't wish to annoy her with their busi- ness worries, while others think their money-matters HOME MANNERS. HOME MANNERS. 21 do not concern her. . Both views are wrong. Few women would spend foolishly if they knew their hus- bands could not afford it, but would take pride in regulating their expenses to keep pace with their hus- band's income. A house should be made as cheerful and light as possible, that the husband may look forward with delight to his return at night, after a hard day's work. A WORD TO THE WIFE. To the wife we would say, Be as careful about your dress and appearance after marriage as you were before. You cannot do otherwise without losing some portion of your husband's regard. To dress well in soci- ety and to appear careless and even slovenly at home, is equivalent to saying that you care more to make a favorable impression upon strangers than upon your husband. This course will naturally offend him, and possibly he will cease to show you that politeness which you expect to receive, and thus will be laid the foundation of those careless manners we too often see in the family circle, and which are such bad examples for the young. TREAT YOUR HUSBAND'S GUESTS KINDLY. Be polite to the guest your husband brings home. If he surprises you with a business acquaintance whom 22 HOME MANNERS. he has invited without notifying you, do not appear disconcerted. Meet him with that graceful courtesy which warms the heart of a stranger, and make no apology for your table. If it is set neatly, and the food is cooked properly, you can make the guest tor- get the lack of profusion of rich viands by the cor- diality of your manner. HUSBANDS, BE POLITE. "The husband should be as studiously polite when at home as when in society. In fact, no man can be a true gentleman without being habitually polite and considerate at home. A chivalrous regard for a wife, and a deference to her wishes and comfort, is a sure indication of refinement, and will go far toward hold- ing her love and allegiance. His own personal tastes should be cheerfully sacrificed to her happiness. He should take her to social gatherings when he attends himself, and be at all times considerate of those things which will give her pleasure. His evenings should be spent at home and in her society." "The tongue is a little member, but it should be jealously guarded. Harsh and cutting things should not be said after marriage, any more than before. In cases of difference of opinion, charity and tolerance should be shown, within the family as much as with- out. Coarse and unrefined conversation can never be HOME MANNERS. 23 indulged in without a loss of respect which involves a loss of influence and power. Fits of temper and hysterics should be controlled and conquered, as they are destructive to the peace of the family. Any deception of one by the other will destroy all faith and render a perfect union impossible." EXAMPLE OF A FATHER. A father should never utter an immoral thought or a profane word in the home circle. The respect he professes for his wife should check such ill-breeding. Children are quick to notice, and example is more powerful than words. They cannot respect a parent who is coarse and uncouth in his manners, or who uses too much freedom. As a writer has said, in speaking of the careless way in which fathers speak to their children, and the loss of self-respect which it begets: "One great reason for the absence of this feeling in children is, that parents and grown people do not show to them that respect which they deserve. When you hear a father speaking to his children, calling them 'chap,' 'kids,' or 'young 'uns, ' you may be sure there will be a lack of self-respect on the part of the chil- dren. Call children by their right names, speak to them in an affectionate way, make them feel that you are counting on them for something, and they will 24 HOME MANNERS. then think something of themselves. Self-respect is one of the necessary conditions of a true womanhood and manhood. It saves children from engaging in the thousand little dishonorable things that defile the character and blast the reputation. The mother having once made her dear ones conscious that they are somebody the objects of a mother's love and a mother's prayers it will serve as a shield to them in a thousand temptations." A GOOD INHERITANCE. There is no better -inheritance to leave children than the memory of kind and gentle-mannered par- ents, whose influence for good will go with them through life. And there is no better discipline, or one which will better prepare them for the hard bat- tles of life, than to teach them to yield their own wills to others, to remember that they must respect the tastes and wishes of others, and that to make the cares of this life endurable, they should be cheerfully obe- dient and self-sacrificing. CHAPTER III. A FEW WORDS TO THE CHILDREN SELF-APPROBATION NATURAL. eVERY right-minded boy or girl is anxious to be well thought of. The first step toward the attainment of this desire, is to cultivate courtesy. Be deferent to those who are your superiors in age and position. "Young America" has the idea that it is a proof of independence and manliness to speak flip- pantly and sneeringly of parents or guardians, referring to them as "the governor," "the old lady," or "the old party." There is no greater mistake made, and the listeners who may smile at your "wit" will just as surely censure you in their hearts for your coarseness and disrespect. The boy who permits himself to adopt this style of address cannot become a gentleman. The young person who does not respect himself, will not respect his elders. Do not imitate the vices of men, imagining that it will make you a man also. Smoking and chewing are deadly foes to the healthful growth. Do not use tobacco. There is something unwholesome about a 25 26 A FEW WORDS TO THE CHILDREN. boy of twelve or fourteen who uses tobacco in any form. He loses his manliness and vigor, his sense of right and wrong becomes perverted, and his ambition leaves him. Never touch tobacco or liquors, if you desire to be a clean, manly man. " We cannot all be heroes And thrill a hemisphere With some great daring venture, Some deed that mocks at fear; But we can fill a lifetime With kindly acts and true, There's always noble service For noble souls to do. "We cannot all be preachers, And sway with voice and pen, As strong winds sway the forest, The minds and hearts of men; But we can be evangels To souls within our reach, There's always love's own gospel For loving hearts to preach." NOT ALL CAN BECOME FAMOUS. It is not given to all children to become famous. But it is in the power of every boy and girl to be truthful, honest, outspoken, and fearless; to hate a lie, and to check every evil thought. It is easy to be a real lady or gentleman. Practice politeness make it the rule of your everyday life, at home, at school, or on the play-ground. A PEW WORDS TO THE CHILDREN. 27 The big boy can see that the little one is not imposed upon. The big girl can take the part of another girl whose home surroundings are not so pleas- ant as her own. Never sneer at any one who is deformed or lame, or whose clothes are shabby. Care for your dumb pets in a kind way, feeding them, and sheltering them. Neither torment them your- selves, nor allow others to. In play, be fair. Do not cheat. This may be a hard lesson to learn, but it is one of the grandest, to understand that you must accord perfect justice to others in your transactions with them. It will serve you well in after life. Do not rush into the house like a whirlwind, forget- ting to cleanse your feet upon the mat. Shut doors quietly. There are people whose nerves are so sensi- tive that doors slammed to, will almost make them ill. Don't entertain your parents at the table with com- plaints of your brothers and sisters. Obey readily, even though you can't see why you should or should not. BE COURTEOUS TO ALL. Speak pleasantly to your playmates. Never pre- sent yourself at table, with soiled face and hands, or uncombed hair. Do not interrupt conversation. It is 28 A FEW WORDS TO THE CHILDREN. delightful to hear a bright, sensible boy or girl talk, but they should wait until they are addressed, and tell what interests them in a simple manner, without affectation, or feeling that they are heroes. Boys, do not tease your sisters, or try to dictate to them. A manly boy protects his sisters, and looks after their comfort. Do not stare at people, nor turn and look after them in the street. If you observe a peculiar looking, or lame person approaching, appear not to notice them; pass them without a glance, and make no com- ment until they are out of hearing. BE ORDERLY. Have certain places for your clothes, your toys, tools, and books, and when you are done using them, put them in their place. Cultivate this habit, and you will grow into neat, orderly ladies and gentlemen, the pride of your mothers, and will be welcome in every home which you visit. DO NOT MEDDLE. Never meddle with other people's property. As a rule, it is very offensive to have one's cherished arti- cles handled indiscriminately. Many boys seize things which are shown them in a rough manner, and pull them to pieces. Their fond parents excuse this destruc- A PRETTY GROUP. A FE1V WORDS TO THE CHILDREN. 29 tive tendency as the act of an "inquiring mind," that "must know the ins and outs of everything," but we would prefer a boy to be a little less inquisitive, and a little more of a gentleman. Girls, much of the advice given to the boys, is applicable to you. Be neat and cleanly, both in mind and body. Take scrupulous care of your teeth and finger nails. Your clothes may not be of the richest material, but if they are made neatly and are kept in perfect repair, that is all that is necessary. Your every-day toilet is part of your character. A girl that looks like a "fury" or "sloven" in the morning, is not to bs trusted, however finely she may look in the evening. No matter how humble your room may be, there are eight things it should contain, namely: A mirror, washstand, soap, towel, comb, hair, nail and tooth brushes. These are just as essential as your breakfast, before which you should make good use of them. Parents who fail to provide their children with such appliances, not only make a great mistake, but commit a sin of omission. Look tidy in the morning, and after dinner work is over, improve your toilet Make it a rule of your daily life to "dress up" for the afternoon. Your dress may, or need not, be anything better than calico; but with a ribbon or flower, or some bit of ornament, you can have an air of self- 30 A FEW WORDS TO THE CHILDREN. respect and satisfaction that invariably comes with being well-dressed. A girl with fine sensibilities can- not help feeling embarrassed and awkward in a ragged and dirty dress, with her hair unkempt, should a neigh- bor come in. Moreover, your self-respect should demand the decent appareling of your body. You should make it a point to Icok as well as you can, even if you know nobody will see you but yourself. Be frank, easy and cordial in your manners. Do not fear to show that you have a heart. Do not hesi- tate to say a kind word to this one, or perform a tri- fling act of courtesy for that one, for fear you may be thought "queer;" give a cheery word to the aged one whose journey is almost over. Speak the timely word to the sad-faced man or woman whose loneliness your well-meant effort will cheer. Do not be afraid to let the sunshine of your happy souls flow out and permeate all you meet. Be cheer- ful, frank, natural; and give royally of the rich treas- ures of your generous souls, and blessings shall fol- low you. HABITS TO AVOID, It is very rude to ask direct questions, such as "Where are you going?" "What have you got in that package?" In fact^do not show curiosity about other people's affairs. A FEW WORDS TO THE CHILDREN. 31 Do not look over another's shoulder, when they are reading, nor read their letters, even if they are left cacelessly lying around. You have no right to pry into the business of any one. Many children form habits which are not nice, such as spitting on the floor, scratching the head, stretch- ing themselves out upon a chair, yawning, etc. All such habits are exceedingly low-bred, and are avoided by the child who aims to acquire good manners. TRAINING OF CHILDREN. Every child should receive some training which will fit it for some useful occupation in life. Riches are transitory, and laziness is the parent of many sins. If you are never compelled to earn your own living, such training will discipline and develop a self-reliance and energy. As a writer pertinently says, on this point: "Men like Franklin, and Lincoln, and Grant, and women like Harriet Martineau and Harriet Beecher Stowe, and scores of others who have left their imprint on their nation or their age, were disciplined and developed by labor. Would you see the strong and honored men and women of to-morrow? They can be found in the field and factory and office of to-day, gaining that patience and toughness of mental and physical fiber which does noble deeds and conquers success. Labor is not only a duty, it is a necessity 82 A hEW WORDS TO THE CHILDREN. of our nature, and in the end it ministers to our spir- itual growth. Let no parent, then, encourage a child to look forward to a life of idleness. Life is a school, and he who lives an idle life misses its most valuable lesson." A question often comes up, not so easily answered, What shall I do with my hands? Some ladies always carry a fan. But you cannot always have one in your hands, so it is better to practice keeping the arms pressed lightly against the sides in walking or sitting. This position for the hands, although a little stiff at first, will soon become easy and graceful. It is almost impossible for a girl to learn the value of time. If you have occasion to enter a place of business, state what you want and then retire as quickly as possible. You have no right to encroach upon the time of a man of business. USE MONEY SENSIBLY. When your parents give you money, or you earn it for yourself, learn to spend it judiciously. Keep your accounts accurately. Bookkeeping is a very impor- tant part of a woman's education. The women of high rank in England are careful a^Dcoiwitants and keep a strict account of all their expenditures. French women are taught the most rigid economy. It is well to provide against future needs, and to have a balance that you may bestow in charity. A FEW WORDS TO THE CHILDREN. 33 And above all, do not affect a "loud" or "fast" demeanor. Guard well your fair name. The first duty which every young person owes to himself or herself, is to establish a good character. This is easy. With the instructions that every inmate of a good home receives, with the aid of kindly counsel and pure example, and an innate love for things that are good, it is impossible that you should not build up a character that shall be as impregnable as the rock of Gibraltar. Every boy and girl desires a good name. Then earn it, by truthful lips and heart, by scorning deceit or base actions, by living upright, fearless lives, which are proudly open to the inspection of all the world. In youth the foundation is laid for good or evil name. While there are many cases on record where bad boys and girls have outgrown their ill-flavored deeds and become good men and women, still the weight of testimony proves such cases rare. The beautiful seeds that blossom into grand deeds are planted in early youth. As a young person grows up, so will he generally be found when mingling with the active duties of real life. You owe the winning of a good name to yourselves, and to the parents and friends whose peace of mind is to be made perfect, or rudely crushed, by your con- duct. Then strive for a good name; cherish it care- fully, and remember that immortal text, "A good name is rather to be chosen than much riches." CHAPTER IV. IN THE STREET. 1~N no country are women so highly respected, or treated so courteously as in America. A lady can travel anywhere, without an escort, and hear no dis- respectful language, or sneers, and she can feel assured that, should an emergency arise, she would be accorded the amplest protection. PRIVILEGES OF WOMEN. Women do not know how great are their privileges. Abroad a lady would not find it safe or proper to walk out alone. Here two or three ladies may, if they so desire, attend places of amusement, ride in the cars, or promenade unaccompanied by a gentleman. This fact amazes strangers from other lands. It arises from two causes the natural inborn chivalry of American gentlemen, and the independent, unaffected natures of American women. YOUNG GIRLS. It is understood, however, that very young girls 34 IN THE STREET. 35 are never seen anywhere without some older person as an escort. Too great freedom engenders a coarse, loud manner which is distasteful. There is no place where one's manners are more plainly discernible, or where the natural selfishness inherent in all will exhibit itself more conspicuously, than on the street or in crowded places. And one is apt to be judged very harshly sometimes by their deportment on the public promenade. A LADY'S DRESS. A true lady always dresses simply and quietly when in street costume. She does not adopt gay and showy colors and load herself down with jewelry, which is entirely out of place, and conveys a very great anxiety to "show off." Custom sanctions more brilliant col- ors in dress goods than formerly, but they should be selected with modifications for outdoor wear. Quiet, subdued shades give an air of refinement, and never subject their wearer to unfavorable criticisms. French ladies, who are noted for their exquisite taste in matters of dress, always have everything harmonize the dress, hat, wrap, gloves, and even their shoes all match in color, forming a complete unison which, is very agreeable to the eye 36 IN THE STREET. CULTIVATE AN EASY GAIT. A lady should always walk in an easy, unassuming manner, neither looking to the right or to the left. If anything in a store window attracts her notice she can stop and examine it with propriety, and then resume her walk. She never should hear a rude remark, or see an impertinent glance, but should be incapable of appearing to think it possible that they could be intended for her. GIGGLING DETESTABLE. A lady who desires a reputation for elegant manners does not giggle or whisper in a meaning way on the cars or in theaters or lecture rooms. She reserves all those disagreeable fashions for a more private place. Neither do ladies commence to laugh as soon as the door has closed upon a retiring guest. They may be laughing about something entirely foreign to the pres- ent, but it is not in human nature to help imagining the laugh is aimed at the one who has just left the cir- cle, and they will feel uncomfortable in consequence. Remain perfectly quiet until you are sure your friend is out of hearing, ere you resume your conversation. Loud talking is inexcusable at all times, and gives a very vulgar tone to what you say. A lady does not call to her friends across the street, or inquire after their health in a boisterous fashion. IN THE STREET. 37 NEVER FLIRT. No lady ever flirts on the street, or allows a stranger to make her acquaintance. She may consider it only a bit of "fun," but she will surely not win the respect of that stranger, and also lose her own. If a lady is on her way to fulfill an engagement, and meets a friend, she can, after the first greetings, excuse herself from a long talk, by stating the fac\ and offer a polite regret that she cannot remain longer. DO NOT U CUT" ANY ONE. Never "cut" people in public. If there are reasons why you desire to discontinue an acquaintance, either turn your head before meeting that person, or convey to him in some delicate hint, your feelings. But do not expose any one to the mortification of a cold, rude stare, or refuse to return the salutation made before the eyes of others. In bowing on the street, a lady must merely incline her head gracefully, and not her body. But she should always smile pleasantly. It lights up the feat- ures, and adds a refreshing warmth to the greeting. On meeting her friends in public, a lady does not effusively greet them by their first names, and air her own affairs in a loud, high key, acquainting pass- ers-by with matters that concern her alone. She should not stare at other ladies, and whisper 38 IN THE STREET. and laugh in a pointed manner, or comment upon their personal appearance. She should never permit one of the opposite sex to address her in a slangy fashion, touch her on the shoulder, call her by her first name before strangers. All such little familiarities, although intended inno- cently enough, will give others the impression that she is not held in the highest esteem. We are happy to say that young ladies are very court- eous to elderly ones as a rule, giving them up their seats, and answering their questions with gentle polite- ness. This is as it should be, and reflects credit upon any young person of either sex. ACCEPTING ATTENTIONS. A lady may accept the assistance of a strange gen- tleman in getting on or off a car, or in crossing a muddy or crowded street. Such attentions should be accept- ed in the spirit in which they are offered, and acknowl- edged with thanks. In passing people on the walk, turn to the right. Do not join forces with three or four others, and take up the entire pathway, compelling every one to turn out for you. Walk in couples, when there are several friends in your party. Ladies do not chew gum on the streets, or rush up to each other and kiss effusively. IN THE STREET. 3d Nor do they hold up the peculiarities of absent friends to ridicule, or discuss them uncharitably. Gossip and slander are very near friends. Never indulge in either. POLITENESS TO CLERKS. When a lady goes shopping, she treats the attend- ants of either sex with politeness. Often these clerks are tired, and overworked, and a lady does not take it as a personal affront because they do not know intuitively just what she wants. Do not seize hold of a piece of goods which another customer is examining, but wait until she has either made her purchase or passed it by. BUY WHAT YOU NEED ONLY. Never be persuaded into buying an article which does not suit both your taste and your purse. Make your wants known plainly, and if you cannot be suited, thank the salesman for having endeavored to please you. Remember, he has myriads of demands upon his time and patience, and a polite word lightens the tediousness of their positions. If you meet a friend while shopping, do not visit with them, while the saleswoman is awaiting your orders. You have no right to take up their time, and keep them from waiting upon other customers. 40 IN THE STREET. If you do not fancy the goods shown you, do not depreciate them to the one serving you, but merely say in an agreeable manner, "It is not just what I want," and pass on. Do not handle the goods yourself, except to feel their texture or weight, but allow the salesman to place them to the best advantage for showing their good qualities to you. If you cannot decide at once between several pieces of goods, say so, and give the salesman permission to attend to some other custom- er, while you are making up your mind. WHAT A GENTLEMAN SHOULD DO. A gentleman never swaggers along the street, shouting and laughing with his companions, his hat on one side, a cigar between his fingers, or switching a cane to the danger or discomfort of passers-by. But if he is smoking and passes a lady quite near, he removes the cigar from his mouth. A gentleman when walking with a lady in the day- time, does not offer her his arm, unless she is old, or ill, or he does so for the purpose of protecting her in a large crowd. He should not monopolize the umbrella when with two ladies in a rain-storm, but should take the outside, holding it over both. IN THE STREET. 41 OFFERING THE ARM. If attending a lady in the evening, it is customary to offer her the arm. If he has the care of two ladies, he should give his arm to but one, and they should both walk on the same side of him. It is a very amusing sight to see a gentleman walking between two ladies, a sort of a thorn-between-two-roses affair. A gentleman removes his hat when entering a room where there are ladies. When he meets a lady friend, he should raise his hat gracefully, and if she is with another lady, he should include her in the salutation even though he is unacquainted with her. WHISTLING IN PUBLIC. On entering a public hallway, or an elevator, where ladies are waiting, he does not treat them to an exhi- bition of his skill in whistling. It is exceedingly impertinent, and is a virtual ignoring of their presence which no gentleman is ever guilty of. In passing through a door, the gentleman holds it open for the lady, even though he never saw her before. He also precedes the lady in ascending stairs, and allows her to precede him in descending. When a gentleman meets a lady friend with whom he wishes to converse, he does not make her stand in the street, but walks with her a short distance until 42 IN THE STREET. he has said what he desired to, and then leaves her with a courteous bow. ANSWERING STRANGERS. Whenever a question is asked by a stranger, he freely answers it. If he cannot direct such an one, he states his inability to do so, with civility. No gentleman will stare rudely at ladies, or make slighting remarks concerning them. REMOVING THE GLOVE. It is not obligatory upon a gentleman to remove his glove when shaking hands with a lady. If he chooses, he can say "Excuse my glove," or he can observe a silence concerning it. He should always carry the packages which a lady has; and in this connection permit us to say, that a husband should always carry the baby. SMOKING WHEN IN A LADY'S SOCIETY. A gentleman should never smoke while walking with a lady, not even if she politely fibs by saying it is not offensive to her. In fact, he should not smoke where ladies are, under any circumstances. If a gantleman escorts a lady to her home, and is not going into the house, he should wait until the door is opened, and he sees her safely inside, especially after dark. IN THE STREET. 43 He should never "cut" a lady. He can have no possible excuse for thus treating one who dressed and acted like a lady. If he is actuated by a foolish dis- like, he can avoid her, but he must never cease to be courteous. SWEET BREATHS. Both ladies and gentlemen will be very careful to keep their breaths sweet and pure. We wish there were some law to prevent people from polluting their breaths with onions and tobacco when they are going into a mixed company. No one has a right to make himself in any manner offensive to others. All the laws of good breeding forbid it. In crossing a muddy street, the gentleman should give a lady the cleanest spots, and may assist a strange lady to cross if she is in need of such help. A gentleman should not thrust his feet out into a car aisle, or crook his elbows so as to strike his neighbor in the side, or expectorate at random. Nor should he spread open his paper to its full size, and exclude the light and view from others. ASSIST LADIES FROM A CARRIAGE. In assisting a lady to alight from a carriage, he should step out first, and then turn and offer her both hands, particularly if the vehicle be some dis- tance from the ground. 44 IN THE STREET. He should pass up the fare of a lady in a car or bus, and should get off the steps of a car when it is crowded, to permit her to enter it. He should never push his way in, and leave her standing upon the plat- form. HELPING A LADY TO MOUNT A HORSE. It is quite an art to help a lady to mount horseback. She should place her left foot in one of his hands, with her left hand upon his shoulder, and her right hand on the pommel of the saddle. Then at a given word, she springs up, the gentleman at the same time raising his hand so that he assists her into the saddle. In riding, he should aways keep on her right side. Don't shake a lady's hand so violently as to annoy her, nor press it with such force that you will hurt her fingers. A gentleman should not inquire into any one's busi- ness, nor presume upon a chance introduction he has had, to walk with her when he meets her again, or to call at her house. PHYSICAL TRAINING. A gentleman should pay great regard to physical training. The more manly arts he masters, such as rowing, boxing, swimming, skating, etc., the greater will be his development, and the more graceful will he become. It will add to his strength, and better fit IN THE STREET. 45 him to defend himself against insult, and to protect women from ungentlemanly conduct upon the part of others. To these accomplishments he should add dancing, which lends a grace and ease of manner that is pleasing in all society. It teaches him how to avoid being awkward in his attitudes. When a gentleman makes an engagement, he should be punctual in keeping it, whether of a business nature, or simply pleasure. OFFERING A SEAT TO A LADY. It has long been a moot question whether it is the duty of a gentleman to rise in a street-car and offer his seat to a lady. While it may be asserted that a man is weary after a hard day's work in office or store, and again, that many ladies take such courtesies in an unthankful spirit, or as if it were their just due, still we think that the essence of genuine civility will lead a gentleman to rise and offer his seat to a lady who is standing. We think Lor-d Chesterfield, "the most elegant gen- tleman in all Europe," has summed it up in a few concise words, when he declared that, "Civility is particularly due to all women; and remember that no provocation whatever can justify any man in not being civil to every woman; and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute if he were not civil 46 IN THE STREET. to the meanest woman. It is due to their sex, and is the only protection they have against the superior strength of ours." To which we would add, that no gentleman will speak a word against any woman at any time, or mention a woman's name in any com- pany where it should not be spoken. CHAPTER V. SALUTATIONS. manner in which a salutation is given, marks the lady or 'gentleman. It seems natural to all to make an outward acknowledgment of the presence of others, and to express the pleasure felt at the meeting, in some way that will be tangible. In rude stages of society the salutation became an act of worship, and those forms crystallized, as civil- ization advanced, into something more elegant, and thus have become the common property of modern nations. SALUTING IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. Each country has its own peculiar forms, and all evince a warm, spontaneous interest in the welfare of those around. Oriental peoples are very punctilious in their greet- ings. The Bedouin's salutation has all the tender grace of a blessing, as he places his right hand upon his breast, and bowing low, says: "If God wills it, you are well." The grave and stately Spaniard greets 47 48 SALUTATIONS. you with, "God be with you." The gentleman in Poland as he leaves you, touches his lips to youi shoulder, and bids you to "Be ever well." Men of distinction in Japan wear over their shoulder a scarf, the length of which determines their rank. When two gentlemen meet, they bow until the ends of the scarf which each one wears, touches the ground. Of course the one with the shortest scarf has to bow the lowest. A Monbotto of Africa when he meets a friend, holds out the right hand, and cracks the joints of the middle fingers. Eskimos salute by rubbing noses together. But probably the most startling mode of salutation is that of the Moors, who greet a stranger by dashing toward him at full speed as if to unhorse him, and when near, suddenly firing a pistol over his head. One must be blessed with considerable pres- ence of mind not to be alarmed at such an effusive greeting. None of these methods, however proper in their own place, obtain here in America, where there are but three salutations the bow, the kiss, and the verbal greeting. While our own American gentleman lifts his hat as a token of recognition, foreigners content themselves with merely bowing. STREET SALUTATIONS. SALUTATIONS. 49 A FRENCH ESTIMATE ON COURTESY. It is stated by some author that while a Frenchman will forgive a debt, or a wrong, he will never overlook a lack of courtesy; also that he demands that the most profound outward respect shall be shown toward the ladies of his household, else possibly a duel may be precipitated. THE BOW THE USUAL GREETING. The bow is one of the simplest observances in society, but it is so universally practiced that it becomes a test of good manners, according to the ease and grace given to it. We bow to the old, the young, the rich, the poor, to our friends and to those to whom we are indiffer- ent, and each one of these salutes can be shaded so nicely, that to an observant eye, they have a distinct significance of their own. The mere act of bowing does not suppose an inti- mate acquaintance. It is simply an outward expres- sion of the politeness current in good society. RETURN A GREETING IN KIND. You should always return a bow, even though you do not recognize the person bowing to you. It is prob- able that you have been mistaken for another person, and it is ill-bred not to acknowledge the salute. If it 50 SALUTATIONS. should prove that he does know you, by not bow- ing in answer to him, it is an admission that he has passed from your mind, which is inexcusable neglect. The French have a custom of uncovering their heads, when a funeral procession is passing a very generous tribute of respect to the mourning friends. COUNTRY CUSTOMS. In the country, and in small towns, also, a very pleasant custom prevails, of bowing to all whom you meet. It makes a stranger fell almost "at home." "WHO SHALL BOW FIRST?" There are innumerable opinions with reference to the proper answer to the question "Who shall bow first; the lady 01 the gentleman?" A writer says on this point: "The bow as a rule means recognition, and not simply deference and respect, and in America, between merely formal acquaintances, it is the privi- lege of the lady to offer the recognition and the duty of the gentleman to accept it. In France and on the Continent generally, this is reversed, and no lady will acknowledge the acquaintance of a gentleman unless he first bows his recognition. "In England, the lady is expected to bow first, a custom doubtless growing out of the fact that intro- SALUTATIONS. 51 ductions, given in the ball-room for the purposes of the dance, are not titles to recognition afterward, while on the Continent they do constitute acquaint- anceship. Here, no merely formal acquaintances have the right to change the recognition rule, but between intimate friends it is not material which bows first, the gentleman or the lady; indeed with well- bred people the recognition is oftenest simultaneous, the quick recognition of the eye preceding the for- mal salute. If the acquaintance is formal, the lady may be reserved or cordial in her salutation, and the gen- tleman must be responsive to her manner, claiming only as much as she offers. No lady will be capri- cious in her recognitions, now cool and now cordial, nor will she be demonstrative in her public greetings. She may refuse to recognize, for sufficient reasons, but a recognition offered must be fully polite. A conspicuously frigid salutation is an insult in the pres- ence of strangers, which she has no right to inflict. A formal bow and faint smile, reserved but not dis- courteous, is all that a refined lady is permitted to offer on the promenade, the street, or in any public place, even to the most intimate friend, and the well- bred gentleman never criticises the dignity of her demeanor, because he knows she reserves her more cordial and friendly greetings for occasions where they may meet in the greater privacy of her own 52 SALUTATIONS. home, or at social gatherings at the invitation of common friends." We think this covers the ground, conclusively show- ing that the lady may, and indeed should be the first to recognize the gentleman. In riding or driving on a public promenade, you should bow ceremoniously the first time you meet friends, but content yourself with a smile or a slight nod after that. No gentleman is guilty of smoking when walking or riding with a lady. " It leaves the impression with others that she is of secondary ^importance to his cigar. A gentleman who- is smoking upon the street removes his cigar before bowing to a lady, and is very careful not to puff cigar smoke in the face of any passer-by. In saluting a lady or an elderly gentleman, the hat must be lifted. With friends of his own sex, a bow, and a friendly word in passing, are sufficient on the part of a gentleman. But a smile should accompany every bow. The cold nod and unsmiling countenance are barely civil. OFFERING THE HAND. ( Another form of salutation is offering the hand. There are as many ways of shaking hands as there SALUTATIONS. 53 are people. No two touch the hands alike. One person puts a cold, clammy hand into yours, and the listless, indifferent manner chills you. The hand of another will glide into yours in such an insinuating fashion that you instinctively distrust its possessor. And still another offers you their hand in such a frank, open way that at once they inspire confidence. Such a person does not seize your hand as in a vise, or crush your fingers in his rude grasp, but cordially presses it, and then lets go your hand in a respectful manner. This is the hand-shake of a gentleman. There is another sort of people who treat you to the "pump-handle" shake, up and down, which would be laughable, were it not so intensely disagreeable. The hand should never be extended to those who are not intimate friends, and no young lady will offer her hand with the same freedom as does a married or an elderly lady. Ball-room introductions do not call for this mode of recognition. The mistress of the house should shake hands with her invited guests, or with a gentleman who is pre- sented to her by an intimate friend. Gentlemen wait for a lady to extend the hand first, and a younger person for the older one to make the first advances. A lady or gentleman should always rise from their seat when offered the hand by anyone. 54 SALUTATIONS. It is hospitable to shake hands with the parting guest, and invite them cordially to come again. RECOGNIZE A SERVANT. A gentleman may shake hands with a valued serv- ant when he or she is about to quit their employ, without any lowering of their dignity. SHAKING HANDS WITH GENTLEMEN. Gentlemen should shake hands with each other, when introduced. An old gentleman may offer his hand to any lady. The glove need not be removed from a gentleman's hand, when greeting a lady. It was formerly usual to do so, but both custom and convenience sanction its retention. It is not good form to make an apology for the omission. The most common forms of verbal salutation are "Good morning," "Good evening," "How are you?" "Are you quite well?" All these and many more may be used, varied to suit the occasion, but what- ever form is adopted, it should be accompanied by a respectful manner. Undue familiarity is evidence of coarseness. Nicknames should not be used in public. Show others respect, and you will receive it in return. KISSING PROMISCUOUSLY. A greeting much in vogue in American and English families, is kissing. This is a reprehensible custom, and should not be tolerated in good society. The kiss is the seal of pure and earnest love, and should never be exchanged save between nearest and dearest friends and relatives. Indeed, public senti- ment and good taste decree that even among lovers it should not be so often indulged in as to cause any regret on the part of the lady should an engagement chance to be broken off. KISSING GUESTS. We have seen a family of children compelled to pass the ordeal of kissing every guest in a room when it was the hour for retiring. It is a senseless custom, and means nothing. If often creates disgust on both sides. Children do not like to kiss every one, and many adults are not fond of saluting the little ones in this manner. LADIES KISSING EACH OTHER. It is a foolish practice for ladies to kiss each other every time they meet, particularly on the street. It is positively vulgar, and a refined woman shrinks from any act which makes her conspicuous. It belongs rather to the period of "gush" natural to very young girls, and should be discouraged on physiological grounds, if no other. Many times a contagious disease has been conveyed in a kiss. Let promiscu- ous kissing then, be consigned to the tomb of oblivion. CHAPTER VI. WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. LIFE AT THE CAPITAL. SOCIAL life in Washington differs from that of all other cities. The lady or gentleman who is accus- tomed to the usages of society will find an entirely new experience on visiting the nation's capital. Society here takes its tone from official life. It is composed of official personages from other lands as well as our own, who represent government, and who necessarily have a dignity to maintain. Consequently the rules governing here, do not apply to any other section of our country. WHO ARE THE LEADERS. The men there have precedence through the offices which they hold. Women rule by virtue of their hus- bands' official position. It is true that in a republic all men are equal before the law. But that does not excuse them from honoring the office to which they have been called by the people, and they should demand the privileges and respect which their position confers upon them. 56 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 57 A writer of authority on etiquette at Washington, says: "We do object to that hybrid term 'Republican court, ' of which we so often hear. It is senseless and an anomaly; or, if it have a meaning, it is still more to be deprecated, as incompatible with the spirit of the framers of our excellent Constitution. We have no 'court circles,' nor do we expect to remain a republic and at the same time ape 'court' manners. We have a social as well as a political autonomy. Let us preserve these with an equally jealous care and dignity. Our official etiquette is not intended as a personal compliment, but addresses itself to the office borne, so that it remains strictly in harmony with our republican sentiments. When the incumbent loses office, he becomes again simply a private citizen, whom the republic has honored. This is such a very beautiful provision of our legal Consti- tution, that we should never lose sight of its bearing on social life and manners. It is the counteracting and saving element, as opposed to all hereditary distinction, and holds each man and woman intact in the exercise of their talent, by which he or she may regulate the individual destiny. The very words 'Re- publican court, ' have a fatal sound of Caesarism; and, as we have already remarked, words become facts they are the expression of the soul's aspirations. We 58 WSHINGTON ETIQUETTE. should prove to the world that republican manners are the very acme of true elegance in their unaffected simplicity." THE FIRST GENTLEMAN IN THE LAND. The first gentleman in the land is the President. He leads social as well as official life. He is always alluded to as "the President," even by his wife. He can be approached by any one as the privilege of call- ing upon him is accorded to all, but he need never return a visit. He may stretch a point, and call upon a friend, but this concession is not expected of him. The same rule applies to the wife of the President. CALLING ON THE PRESIDENT. When a private call is made upon the President, the visitor is shown into the Secretaries' room, pre- sents his card, and awaits the result. A business caller has the preference over one who merely makes a formal call. If a person has an object in seeking an interview with the President, it will aid him greatly to secure an introduction through some official, or a friend of the Executive. RECEPTIONS AT THE WHITE HOUSE. Receptions are given at the White House at stated WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 59 times, which all are at liberty to attend. As the caller enters he gives his name to an usher, and is announced. He then approaches the President, and is introduced to him by some official to whom this duty has been assigned. A word may be exchanged with the Presi- dent; sometimes when the crowd is very great, a bow is all that is possible. The guest can then pass through the rooms, or can retire from the scene, as his taste decides. INVITATIONS FROM THE PRESIDENT, An invitation from the President to a state dinnei must not be disregarded. It is even expected thai you will decline another engagement in favor of the more important one, and your excuse that you have received an invitation from the President, is sufficient. NEW YEAR RECEPTION. The President with his family holds a New Year reception, which is a very brilliant affair. Ladies and gentlemen attend it alike, and all the officials, diplomats, etc., are to be found there. The roreign legation appear in full court dress. The guests are all in holiday costume, but the ladies do not remove their hats, save the members of the President's family, who receive in reception toilettes, without hats. 60 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. ORDER OF OFFICIALS. Next in order comes the Chief Justice. His office being for life, he seems to have precedence over the cabinet and senate. He is addressed as "Mr. Chief Justice." The Vice-President follows him in rank, with the Speaker of the House, the General of the Army and the Admiral of the Navy. Members of the House of Representatives call first on all these officials. The duties of the ladies of the Cabinet are very bur- densome. They are expected to give a reception every Wednesday, at which anyone who chooses can pre- sent themselves. They return all the first calls of their lady guests, and leave the card of the cabinet officer, and an invitation to an evening reception. When it is taken into consideration that they stand for hours receiving, and have two or three hundred calls to make after one of their receptions, we think any fash- ionable lady will declare the demands made upon her own time, easy by comparison. WRITING TO THE PRESIDENT. In writing to the President, he should be addressed as "The President Sir." In speaking to him he is designated as "Mr. President." All other officials are addressed as "Mr. Vice-President," "Mr. Speaker," "Mr. Senator," "Mr. Secretary," while a member of the House would be plain "Mister," unless he had WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 61 another title. In introducing the latter he would be called "The Honorable Mr. - of " naming the State he represented. "Among the duties of the cabinet officers is that of entertaining Senators, Representatives, Justices of the Supreme Court, members of the diplomatic corps, and the distinguished people who gather at the capi- tal. Ladies of the families of these officials are includ- ed in the invitations. The season for dinners lasts during the session of Congress. All other officials, except the President and cabinet, entertain or not, as they choose. The official position imposes no particu- lar social obligations, and circumstances, health, and all the reasons and motives that influence men and women in private life to entertain or not to entertain, are taken into consideration in Washington life, and the question is decided accordingly. "The visiting hours in Washington are from two until half-past five. As is true in many other cities, many of the very fashionable ladies prefer to walk in making calls in fine weather, and many of the richest visiting costumes are made up as short suits." DAYS FOR RECEIVING. There are certain days alloted for certain classes of society to receive. Thus the families of justices of the Supreme Court are at home on Monday. The 62 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. Speaker of the House 01 Representatives, as also other members, and the General of the Army keep open house on Tuesday. Wednesday is called Cabinet day, and the wife of each Secretary is expected to be at home on the afternoon of that day. Thursday is set apart for calling upon the families of the Vice-Presi- dent and Senators, while Friday is the great calling day for all who hold no official rank. Saturday is thus left as reception day at the White House. Guests always hand their cards to the usher at all receptions. These receptions are designed to answer in lieu of calling upon strangers who go to Washington. As in theory every citizen has helped elect an official, and is entitled to some recognition, at their hands, and as it would be manifestly impossible for the families of public officials to call first on the many strangers who visit our capital, it has grown into a custom for our officials to throw open their houses, on certain days, thus affording all a chance to be present at these informal receptions. From the time of Washington until the administration of Jackson, strict rules of etiquette were observed, and life at the White House was as ceremonious as at any Old World court, but "Old Hickory" broke down the barriers, and inaugu- rated these public receptions, whether with advantage to social life or not we leave our readers to judge. MRS. HARRISON. WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 63 ABUSING PRIVILEGES. It is a fact that the privilege which is thus afforded transient visitors is sadly abused, and people will intrude upon those with whom they have nothing in common, and to whose social circle they could never under any other circumstances, gain admission. It argues a lack of delicacy of feeling, and is a rudeness which will not be perpetrated by refined ladies or gen- tlemen. We do not refer now to the receptions. Those are given in a hospitable spirit, which extends its favors to all; but to that class of sight-seers that will call upon private citizens with whom they have not even a common acquaintance. The only redress that can be had, is not to return such visits, else would every private individual be completely at the mercy of every one who went to Washington As an instance of this abuse of good manners, we quote from Miss Hall, Avho says: "It would seem as if common-sense ought to teach people that to a card reception (that is, where the guests are all invited by card) no one save those spe- cially invited would have a right to go; but the Wash- ington tourist is very unreflecting. Where he sees a number of carriages standing before the door of a man- sion, he immediately enters thereat; and whether he is one, or whether he is two hundred, makes abso- lutely no difference in his view of the situation. The 64 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. result of his theories is naturally disastrous. No pri- vate house can hold an unlimited number of people; and where the uninvited throng in such numbers, the invited guests are unable to gain admission. A Wash- ington lady received cards for a reception given by an official person. It was a little late when she started, and upon her arrival in Avenue she found a surging throng of people in and around the door of the house where the reception was to be held. After striving with the crowd for an hour or more, and reaching only the vestibule of the mansion, she and her escort gave up the attempt to gain further admittance, and went home withou f having been to the party at all! It transpired afterward that an excursion of two hundred people had arrived in Washington on that day, and had attended Mr. 's reception en masse!" WHO NEED NOT ENTERTAIN. Senators, Representatives, and other officials, need not entertain unless they wish to. The President and Cabinet officers are compelled to, by the laws of Washington etiquette. One peculiar feature of life at Washington will strike the visitor, who is a,t all observant, and that is, the retirement in which young people are kept. They attend the receptions with their elders, but they do not lead or rather tyrannize over society, as they too WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 65 often try to do in some cities not nearly so cosmopoli- tan as Washington. A young lady would not think of taking a seat until her mother or the married ladies of the party were provided for. Young ladies are not invited either to state or formal dinners, but all the simpler forms of gayety are left for their participation. At morning receptions, a cup of chocolate is usually tendered the guest some add other drinks, with tempting confections. The simplest refreshments are the most proper, however. LEAVING CARDS. On making visits, it is the custom among all well- bred persons to send in or leave a card. When the person called upon is not at home, turn down the right-hand upper corner of the card to show that you came in person. When you go away from the city, leave or send a card in which "P. P. C. " is written on one of the lower corners, "P. P. C." meaning Pour Prendre Conge to take leave. When a lady leaves Washington with the intention of returning at some future time, she sends these cards by mail to such of her friends as she desires to continue the acquaintance with, and when she has come back friends may call upon her as soon as they learn of the event, or she can send them cards with an "at home" day specified upon them. 5 66 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. The usual hours for calling are from 2 to 5 p. M. An evening visit presupposes a degree of social acquaintance, and should never be made as a first call. LADIES ASSUMING TITLES. A custom which is growing in favor is to address the wives of dignitaries by the titles which indicate the honors of their husbands, as "Mrs. Senator Dur- borow," "Mrs. General Dickerson," "Mrs. Secretary Bell." Most of such customs, although at first rather out of keeping with our simple republican tastes, become familiar to us by usage. CHAPTER VII. INTRODUCTIONS. WHAT AN INTRODUCTION SIGNIFIES. SN introduction is virtually an assurance that the parties thus presented to each other are equals in point of desirability and reputation, and should on this account, be very sparingly given, for no one can foresee what the result of any acquaintance will be. It is very annoying, after you have thus made two people acquainted, to learn that one has "cut" the other in some public manner. It is a reflection upon your judgment and good intentions. It may prove, however, that one or the other learns something derog- atory of which you were ignorant, thus still further adding to your mortification and dismay. On this account we think there is a responsibility attached to the giving of introductions, which should not be assumed at random. It is better to err upon the side of being too careful, than not careful enough. PERSONS MET AT A FRIEND* S HOUSE USUALLY PROPER. At the same time it is always to be assumed that such persons as you meet at a friend's house, are 88 INTRODUCTIONS. proper persons to be introduced to you. It is not, however, obligatory upon you to continue the acquaint- ance, unless you really wish to. There are cases where, by frequently meeting the same persons, and finding them very agreeable, and correct in their deportment, a friendship has sprung up which has proven mutually beneficial. LADIES BECOMING ACQUAINTED. Two ladies can with propriety, converse, wherever they chance to meet, without the formality of art intro- duction. This free-masonry among women is very charming, we think. It is always easy to drop any acquaintance that proves undesirable. INTRODUCTIONS NOT ALWAYS NECESSARY. In England, among the higher social circles, it is quite the thing to address people you meet at friends' houses. Introductions are often dispensed with. In this country, where society is more mixed, it is con- sidered the best etiquette for the hostess to introduce her guests to each other. If, through any inadvert- ence this form is omitted, persons of fine breeding will not hesitate to accept each other's polite advances. A frigid repulse of any courtesy offered is a direct insult to the friends under whose roof you are. INTRODUCTIONS. 69 It is very true that "A disagreeable woman can always find reasons enough for being chilling and form- al; a fine-tempered woman can always find reasons enough for being agreeable." One should always acknowledge an introduction, even though you receive one to your greatest enemy, whom your host has unwittingly presented to you, and even though once outside the door you resume your old dislike; still, while he is the guest of your friend, you should treat him politely, nor disturb the harmony which should prevail. Do not fancy because a lady or gentleman does not recognize you the next time you meet, that it is their intention to ignore you. One who is much in society, sees so many people that it is impossible to remember all their faces, and many others are preoccupied and not designedly neglectful. A "CUT" DIRECT. A direct cut is seldom excusable. Never cut any one unless you have grave reasons for wishing to dis- continue their acquaintance. Some ladies shrink from recognizing a poorly-dressed acquaintance, or one whom social position is not as good as their own. This feeling borders on snobbishness. At any rate it lowers the standard of right and wrong, and shows that you are deficient in Christian kindness. 70 INTRODUCTIONS. A gentleman never refuses to bow respectfully to his servants on the street, and a lady should do the same. Her social standing must be far from firm, if she fears that she will compromise herself by such civili- ties. There is no reason why a lady should bow first. The best way is for the one who sees the other first to bow, whether it be the lady or the gentleman HOW A GENTLEMAN SALUTES. "When two ladies are walking together, and are met by a gentleman known to one of the ladies, he should raise his hat politely to both. Or if a lady is met by two gentlemen, one of whom she knows, it is usual for both gentlemen to bow to her. When introductions take place, the name should be very distinctly pronounced. If you do not hear it plainly, it is well to say, "I beg pardon, but I did not quite catch the name." It prevents awkward mistakes afterward. A WIFE INTRODUCING HER HUSBAND. A wife should introduce her husband in the follow- ing manner: "This is my husband, Mr. Weston," and not "This is my husband." If he has a title she should add that, as "This is my husband, Judge Os- wald." Some ladies feel delicate about this matter, but it is proper, as he thus acquires his correct status with INTRODUCTIONS. 71 strangers. A lady can always introduce the immedi- ate members of her family, without asking permission to do so. She pays strangers a compliment by this attention. In introducing any relative, the full name should be given, as "This is my cousin, Miss Mamie Morton," not "my cousin Mamie." PRESENTING THE YOUNGER TO THE ELDER. When there is a marked difference In age, the younger lady should be presented to the elder lady, unless a superiority exists in position, when the private and unknown lady should be presented to the famous one. A gentleman is introduced to a lady. But as we have said elsewhere, it is unwise to be too ready to give introductions. It would be all right could one be sure that such acquaintance would only lead to pleasant results. MENTION THE TITLE. Give a man his title. A clergyman should be addressed as the Rev. Mr. Blagden; a doctor of divinity, as "the Rev. Dr. Mather;" a member of Con- gress as "Honorable." * The usual form of introduction between equals in age or position, is "Miss Kay, this is Miss Patterson." "Mr. Nagel, Mr. Beth." 72 INTRODUCTIONS. DO NOT "SCRAPE ACQUAINTANCE." No young lady of refinement will "scrape acquaint- ance," with one of the opposite sex. We cannot imag- ine an occasion where it is permissible. The origin of this term "scraping acquaintance" is not of a char- acter calculated to inspire one with admiration, but it is as lofty as the act itself. This old proverb is handed down to us from the times of a very illustri- ous personage the Roman Emperor, Adrian. Of course we do not vouch for it. It is related of him that he was at the public baths one day when he saw one of his veteran soldiers scraping his body with a tile. The emperor ordered that his old comrade in field and fray, should be supplied with better clean- ing materials, and money. But his goodness seemed likely to be abused, for on another occasion he found a score of old soldiers who had fought under him standing in the water, while each was currying himself with a tile and wincing at the pain inflicted. The emperor perfectly understood the meaning of the sight; so he said to them "Ah, my fine fellows, you had better scrape one another; for," he added, "you certainly shall not scrape acquaintance with mel" ABROAD. INTRODUCTIONS. 73 YOUNG. LADIES NEED NOT SHAKE HANDS. A young lady should not shake hands on being in- troduced. A modest bow is sufficient acknowledg- ment. This custom of hand-shaking, like many of our modern forms, is borrowed from the French. The impulsive warmth of their nature makes it nat- ural for them to bestow a more hearty greeting than a mere nod, but Americans and English show more reserve with strangers. At a second meeting two ladies may offer their hands, but ladies seldom extend their hands to gentle- men, save to their most intimate friends. A lady is at her best when she exhibits a modest and retiring manner. On entering a parlor, if you are not recognized by the lady of the house at once, recall yourself to her by mentioning your name. The friend who is visiting at your house must be introduced to all callers, and they will in return, court- eously inclined, pay all the attention in their power, such as inviting your guests to their house, planning little receptions, etc., during the period of their stay. It is also part of your duty as a hostess, to make a party in their honor, either when they first arrive, so as to give them introductions to your friends, or on the evening previous to their departure, as a kindly farewell. 74 INTRODUCTIONS. INTRODUCING IN THE STREET. When friends meet in the street, and pause for a moment's conversation, it is unnecessary to introduce a companion you may have. But if you feel that you should, you can introduce them. Still, introductions of this nature do not compel either party to pursue the acquaintance, and a well-bred gentleman will not presume upon the opportunity thus given him by chance. INTRODUCING VISITORS. If several visitors call upon a lady at the same time, she does not present them to each other, but seeks to divide her time and attention equally among them, thus putting them at their ease; in return she ex- pects that they will assist her by conversing with each other in a friendly way. At afternoon teas, kettle-drums, and like gatherings, the hostess does not introduce at all, unless gentle- men are present. All introductions given at a croquet or lawn-tennis party, or on a yachting excursion are merely for con- venience, and do not involve after recognition, but to bow on meeting again, is only polite. REQUESTING INTRODUCTIONS. A gentlemen may with propriety request an intro- INTRODUCTIONS. 75 duction to a lady, at a party or ball, and should pay her some attention, but the acquaintance need go no farther, unless it is mutually desired. It is very impertinent for a gentleman to join a lady in the street when she is walking with another gentle- man; and it would lay him open to the charge of hav- ing some motive (most likely an interested one) in thus forcing himself upon another man. "It is clearly the duty of a hostess, at a ball or dan- cing-party, to endeavor to provide her guests with partners, and for that purpose she must either make introductions herself or through the help of others. She must always ask permission before presenting a gentleman to a lady permission which should never be refused unless the lady has very good and strong rea- sons for declining to make the gentleman's acquaint- ance. Young men often present each other to young ladies, and it is entirely proper that they should do so if they have first asked leave. A gentleman may also ask a lady, if he knows her well, to introduce him to another lady when a proper opportunity shall occur. Of course he could neither wish nor expect his friend to cross a crowded room with him to make the intro- duction; because she would then be left to make a bad third, or else to retrace her way alone; an awkward situation, except for one of the ladies of the house." 76 INTRODUCTIONS. LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. These should always be left unsealed. It h not expected that their bearers will examine their con- tents, still it is understood that they are known to them, and unless they are carefully worded, they would not be accepted. A business letter of introduction is expressed in set terms, as Mr. Dear Sir I have the pleasure of introducing to you Mr. of . Any favors you may extend to him will be appreciated by Yours very truly, Letters of introduction of a social nature should be written very carefully, and on the best of note paper, of a neat size, and with an envelope to match. A letter of this sort, commending the person introduced, should give his full name, the place of his resi- dence, and should say as little as possible concerning the person introduced, and add that the acquaint- ance thus formed, would you are sure, be product- ive of mutual pleasure. USE JUDGMENT IN GIVING LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. Great discrimination should be exercised in giving INTRODUCTIONS. 77 letters of introduction. You become responsible for the good behavior of the one whom you introduce. You should never take the liberty of furnishing a let- ter of introduction only to a friend of long standing. Another thing to be considered in a social letter of introduction is whether the parties thus made acquainted, will prove congenial. If they do not, they may both end by blaming you. INTRODUCING BY CARD. Introductions may be made by card as well as by letter. The gentleman introducing the other writes upon the upper left hand corner of his own card the words "Introducing Mr. ," and incloses it with the card of the gentleman so named in an envelope of good quality, and of the fashionable style and size. The gentleman who receives a business letter of intro- duction is not bound to> extend any courtesies of a social nature. The acquaintance is of a purely busi- ness sort, and may end in the store or office, unless he chooses it to be otherwise. Etiquette declares that these rules shall be observed with unvarying exactness. Should the person intro- duced be a lady, she follows the same method of inclos- ing her card with that of the one introducing her, and sends it by mail or a messenger. The lady receiving these must call in person, or some member of her 78 INTRODUCTIONS. family must represent her. If she fails in this, she must send, a special messenger explaining her reason. Three days are the limit allowed for a call to be made, and if not made by the expiration of that time, such an omission is an act of rudeness to the introducing party. ATTENDING TO LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. "A letter of introduction, received through the post, stating that an individual or family which the writer highly e,steems, is about to locate near you, and ask- ing your kindly attentions, must be answered immedi- ately, with expressions of anxiety to be of service to the strangers so recommended. The person or family thus introduced should be called upon at the first oppor- tunity. Such a request to call upon a stranger admits of no delay, and no after attentions can make amends for neglect." The custom in Europe is for the person having the lettec of introduction to make the first call. This is repugnant to our independent spirit, as it puts the bearer in the position of begging an acquaintance. We consider it in far better taste to send it by an- othe'r source, and await its acceptance. PAPER TO BE USED. It may appear a trifling matter and not worthy of INTRODUCTIONS. 79 consideration whether a letter of introduction is writ- ten upon fine paper, well expressed, and neatly inclosed. Or whether its receipt is acknowledged promptly. But these details are of importance and their observance will determine your reputation as a lady or a gentleman, and give you the opportunity of conferring the happiness upon others. CHAPTER VIII. GOING INTO SOCIETY. /"*NVERY young lady and young gentleman if blessed V^ with a warm social nature, look forward eagerly to the period of entering society. By entering society they acquire polish, friends, and exchange of thoughts, and enlarge their sphere of usefulness. SCHOOL-GIRLS SHOULD NOT ENTER SOCIETY. No girl should make her debut while she is attend- ing school. It is impossible for her to do justice to herself, with a divided heart. She cannot keep her mind upon those studies which require her entire atten- tion, and attend to the demands of the social circle, which are exceedingly exacting. Another injury is done to society itself, which thus receives a class of immature and half-trained girls whose ideas are crude, and their manners are apt to be free; they are thus anything but ornaments of that society which they have entered. WHAT AGE TO MAKE A DEBUT. The proper age for a young girl to be presented to 80 GOING INTO SOCIETY. 81 society is when she has left school, and when her mind is in a measure prepared for the ordeal. This age is from eighteen to twenty. It is made known by the mother, who announces to the social world the fact that her daughter is a new candidate for social honors, by calling with her elder and unmarried daughter (if there be one in the family), upon all whom she de- sires to present her daughter to; or she leaves their own and the father's and mother's cards with those whom they design inviting. Up to this time the intended debutante has never appeared at any gatherings outside her father's house, nor at any but informal ones there, such as birthdays, christenings, etc. Invitations to the event are issued about ten days before it is to take place, and are in the following form: MR. AND MRS. WELLINGTON request the pleasure of presenting their eldest (or second, or third) daughter Miss MABEL to Mr. and Mrs. David Prentice on Wednesday evening, at eight o'clock. No. 20 Honore St. Dancing at ten. The party receiving the invitation should at once accept or decline. 8? GOING INTO SOCIETY. If there are several young ladies in a family, they re- ceive an invitation addressed to "The Misses "but each young gentleman receives a separate invitation. SENDING FLOWERS. It is in good taste for near friends who choose, to send flowers to the house on the morning of the party day; but it is not absolutely required, and you can omit this compliment, without giving offense. HOW THE DEBUTANTE SHOULD DRESS. The dress of the young debutante must be simple and tasteful. For the first time in her life she wears a dress with a train. It should be of white tulle or plain white silk, and fresh flowers should be her only ornaments. SHE MAY DANCE. On this particular occasion she is privileged to dance, even though others are slighted. She can give herself up to the fullest enjoyment, for she stands in the position of the favored guest, for this one evening, and her claims are paramount. During the reception, she stands at the left of her mother. Gentlemen are presented to her, but she is presented to her elders and to ladies. The exchange of courtesies may be brief, thus giving an opportunity for each guest to congratulate her. SOCIAL PLEASURES. GOING INTO SOCIETY. 83 WHO ESCORTS HER TO SUPPER. When supper is announced, a brother escorts the debutante to the table, the father follows with the most distinguished lady of the party, and the young daughter is seated upon the right of her father. If she has no brother, the father accompanies her to the supper-room, while the mother follows with the most honored of the gentlemen present. On the night of her entree into society, the gentle- man who has the honor of the first dance with her, is selected by the mother, and is usually a relative or intimate friend. During her first season she does not attend parties without a chaperone, or make any calls unaccompanied by her mother. THE DUTIES DEVOLVING UPON THE DEBUTANTE. Having fairly been launched upon society, it is the Juty of the young lady to make the most of her oppor- tunities. Society is not a conglomeration of frivolous people with neither solidity nor sense, but it is a com- munion of minds, a gathering together of the bright, the witty, the intellectual, as well as the trifling. Of these various factors, the polish and culture, which results from attrition, leads to a blending of the whole, brightening daily life. Once out upon this current, there is much to be 84 GOING INTO SOCIETY. avoided, and much to be cultivated. First, then, remember, that merely fashionable life, showy gather- ings, gay company, where the heart is left out of the catalogue, and hollow professions take its place, is not good society. We would say to the young girl, you are in good society when your companions of either sex are pure, true, natural; when the young gentlemen you know are manly, frank, trustworthy; when there is no miserable pretense of goodness, but a fresh, wholesome, honest nature, unsullied by vices the young man of the period thinks necessary to affect; when the girls you choose for friends are true- hearted and simple; who are not vain and silly; who have an idea in their head beyond flirting and gay dress. Do not accept as a friend a girl who does not trust and honor her parents. Such an one can never be true in any relation of life which she assumes. CALLING AFTER THE PARTY. The ceremonious calls which follow the party include the young lady, but during her first season she has no card of her own, does not call alone, nor does she receive gentlemen without her mother's presence or a ehaperon. Avoid dressing flashily. It is desirable to be known as a lady who never offends good taste by glaring colors or ill-fitting garments. GOING INTO SOCIETY. 85 A young girl's conversation should be free from gossip and envy. And she should never sanction dis- paraging remarks about an absent friend. RESPECT YOUR ELDERS. A respectful demeanor toward the aged is a pecul- iar charm in a young lady. Never call attention to any peculiarities others may possess. Do not make jokes at their expense, for the purpose of establishing a reputation for cheap wit. A young girl should guard her language well. Sharp sayings and sarcas- tic repartee come with very disagreeable effect from her lips. A true lady will always repulse familiarity or rudeness, either of speech or manner. THE ADVENT IN SOCIETY OF THE ELDEST SON. ' In England the eldest son first enters society on the day he attains his majority, and much prominence is given to the event, But in this country very little formality is observed. His first steps in this direc- tion are taken by escorting his mother and sisters to parties, ball's and visits. He thus becomes, through observation, fitted to assume all the obligations which society imposes upon him. In England, on the con- trary, the eldest son enters society only upon attaining his majority, and great rejoicing is had over the event. 86 GOING INTO SOCIETY. BE OBLIGING. When a young lady is asked to sing or play in com- pany, she should never be in too great haste to do so, nor should she be urged a long time. In the first place, she will be thought too anxious to display her accomplishments, and in the second people grow so weary of importuning that they do not enjoy her attempt. There is a happy medium between the two. Respond pleasantly, and do not sing or play but one air at a time. If your auditors really enjoy your efforts, you will soon be convinced of that fact. THE CARDS USED. The first season of the young lady, it is proper that her name should appear on her cards as "Miss Ford," if she is the eldest unmarried daughter. But if she have older sisters at home, she is "Miss Maude A. Ford." After her first season, she has a separate card, and is fairly entitled to all the privileges of the fascinating world of society. Never be the last to leave a party if you can possi- bly avoid it. You should always thank your hostess for the pleasure the evening has afforded you. EDUCATION A GREAT HELP. Many accomplishments are necessary for the com- plete success of a young lady in society. She should GOING INTO SOCIETY. 8? of course have the groundwork of a good education. If she knows some French and German, so much the better. She should be able to play some musical instrument, although she need not be a "star" per- former. She should use correct language, have a pleasant manner, sit and walk gracefully, and dance well. She should have a general knowledge of the rules governing polite society, and have a sufficient amount of self-control to enable her to conceal or repress her likes and dislikes. And above all, she should be neat and sensible in her dress, being something of an artist at the toilet. DUTIES OF A YOUNG SOCIETY MAN. The young man in society can, by many little atten- tions to others, place himself on record as an exponent of a true gentleman. He will never indulge in slang or pointed jokes, even though he is well acquainted with every member of the company in which he is. He also shows a gentle deference for all, and seeks their comfort and convenience on all occasions. MAKE YOURSELF AGREEABLE TO WOMEN. We would remind the young man entering society that he should make it his constant endeavor to win the approbation of women. Their good opinion is absolutely necessary; and he will find that many a 88 GOING INTO SOCIETY. hint and many a word of encouragement will come from them unsolicited, if he will show himself quick to receive them. Nearly all men, particularly the novice in society, are greatly at fault when it comes to the nice little shades of propriety, and they can best learn what is the correct thing to do, in many cases, from the gen- tler sex perhaps from those who are to be regarded as wall-flowers. They will take interest in a bright, agreeable young man, and will help train him in the matter of etiquette. LEARN OF OLDER PEOPLE. When a young man has learned how to converse easily and unaffectedly with the old, he is sure of their good-will. There are many attentions which it is in their power to bestow, which cost them nothing, only the opportunity to put them in practice. The cheerful offer of a more eligible seat, a casual inquiry after their health, an interest shown in a subject that pleases them all these are but trifles, and yet are productive of much good. DO NOT SLIGHT ANYONE. A gentleman in society is always ready to offer his services to ladies he is especially attentive to those who are not gifted with much beauty or are not young. GOING INTO SOCIETY. 89 It may seem almost incredible, in this fast and rush- ing age, but there are old and middle-aged people whom it is a delight to talk to. It seems strange to young people, who very naturally prefer the friends near their own age, that any one who has outlived the "heyday of youth" can charm. From their conversation rich stores can be gathered. And it should be totally superfluous to remind young men and women of this fact were it not unfortunately true that so many are thoughtless and impolite to the elders. COMPLIMENTS SUPERFLUOUS. A young gentleman should not offer frivolous com- pliments. They have no meaning, and their insin- cerity is soon detected by the recipients. Honest praise is always agreeable, but not the fulsome flat- tery whose thin mask is so transparent. EASE OF MANNER. A young man should acquire an ease of manner, which will fit him for any station. This can be ob- tained by close observation, and the tact to adapt one's self to the occasion. Books will aid some in this direction, but contact with society will help far more. He should not confound civility with forward- ness, a natural ease with an affected and stilted demeanor, and should not in his desire to be witty and genial, border on the familiar and coarse. 60 GOING INTO SOCIETY. CHOOSE GOOD COMPANIONS. A choice of good companions should be made early. It is the easiest thing in the world to copy uncon- sciously, and therefore a young man's intimate friends should be men of superior minds, who will, by their dignified example, become models worthy of his imi- tation. Elegant manners are a means of refinement that are of great benefit to any one, and to a young man who expects to win his way in life, whether in a profession, or out of it, they are of the greatest con- sequence. A word from an author whose judgment is unques- tioned, is that "A man who does not solidly establish, and really deserve a character for truth, probity, good manners, and good morals, at his first setting out in the world, may deceive and shine like a meteor for a very short time, but will soon vanish and be extin- guished with contempt." DRESS TASTILY. One thing we would impress upon the young man in society. Let your dress be as neat and tasty as is consistent with your means. But do not adopt loud and flashy colors. Wear nothing that is not paid for. In spending money, do not show a grudging, sordid spirit, but practice a proper economy. No one will blame you for that. Often young men are betrayed GOING INTO SOCIETY. 9t into larger expenditures than they can afford, from a fear that they will be called "close." ASSUMING AN AIR OF WEARINESS. Do not assume a blase demeanor. No one likes a young man who affects to have drained the chalice of life, ere he has even sipped it. The greatest charm either man or woman can possess is that gay good nature and brilliant spirits that bslong by right to youth. And the young man who tries to appear much older than he is in his life experiences, will certainly disenchant, rather than attract. PAY ATTENTION TO THOSE AROUND YOU. A gentleman should pay some regard to those who are striving to interest him. It is a certain form of selfishness to be inattentive to what is being said, and will only awaken hostility in those around you. Attend strictly to the speaker, so that you may be in a position to answer properly the train of thought which he is indulging in. CHAPTER IX. PARTIES, BALLS, AND LIKE ENTERTAINMENTS. ENTER- TAINMENTS DESIRABLE. IT is useless for people to rail at parties, balls, and their accompaniments as vain displays of fashion and finery. They are far more;- they are gatherings of the grave and the gay, the witty and the wise; a cementing together of all the varied elements which compose modern society into one symmetrical whole; an aid to the acquisition of that ease of manner which all wish to possess. The pleasures which these entertainments introduce are lasting in their refining influence. Society is a school where a friendly rivalry brings out the finer feelings, and by attrition quickens the indolent or careless into action by observation and emulation. The list of entertainments offered by society to its votaries is sufficiently extensive to embrace all ages, and all tastes. THE KETTLE-DRUM. Prominent among these is an informal affair called the "Kettle-drum," which as its name signifies, was EVENING PARTIES. PARTIES, BALLS, AND LIKE ENTERTAINMENTS. 93 originally an unpretentious affair, invented by the wives of officers in India, who being circumscribed in their social pleasures, invited each other to these small receptions, and served their rolls, coffee, sandwiches, etc., on the drum head. To preserve it in all its original simplicity, it should be held in the afternoon, the refreshments' should be simple, and the dresses worn the same as at a reception. The ladies receive standing, but one of the ladies of the family or a friend pours the tea or coffee. Invitations are issued after this fashion: MRS. LEONARD MILLER. Kettle- drum, March Seventeenth 4 to j. The entertainment consists of music and conversa- tion. Introductions are not given, but every guest is expected to feel at perfect liberty to enjoy himself or herself. FIVE O'CLOCK TEAS. These teas are even more informal than the kettle- drum. Fewer guests are invited, and the cards of invitation sent out are merely a visiting card with the 94 PARTIES, BALLS, AND LIKE ENTERTAINMENTS. word "Five o'clock tea" added in the left-hand corner. Refreshments are not elaborate, and are served by the members of the family, unassisted by the servants. A MUSICALE. A musicale is rather a difficult entertainment, as its success depends wholly upon the artists whose names appear upon the programme. They are commonly held in the afternoon. It is not really a concert, for it has its social features, as a supper or collation is offered to the guests. Large rooms are necessary, so that singers and players can be heard to better advan- tage, and there will be no over-crowding on the part of the guests. All extra furniture should be removed, and drapery serves to weaken the effect. Eleven pieces make a sufficiently long programme and may be all vocal or instrumental and vocal com- bined. . A RUDENESS MANY ARE GUILTY OF. A breach of good manners is committed when guests whisper, are restless, or exhibit weariness. If you do not love music enough to keep quiet, home is the proper place for you. The hostess should, however, see that the instrumental pieces are not too long. THE PROGRAMMES. The programmes should be printed on card-board, PARTIES, BALLS, AND LIKE ENTERTAINMENTS. 95 of good size, and are provided for the guests before the music commences. The dress should be the same as at an afternoon reception, save that the bonnet and wrap are laid aside. A hot supper should be proffered the singers it is not only thoughtful, but singers need nourishing food. Invitations to any entertainment must be answered at once, that the hostess may know how many to expect, and fill the places of those who cannot be present. THE LUNCH. The "lunch" proper is entirely a ladies' affair, and gentlemen are not invited. The food is served in a very ceremonious manner, and the table is set with great elegance. The dresses worn are rich and costly, and the forms observed are similar to those for dinners. CROQUET, ETC. Croquet, lawn-tennis and archery parties require no ceremony. Dresses must be simple, such as are com- fortable and tasty for outdoor sport. A lunch to which friends are asked to "drop in" is an easy-going meal. Refreshments are served cold, guests sit where they please, and if they come late it is not considered rude, 96 PARTIES, BALLS, AMD LIKE ENTERTAINMENTS. GENTLEMEN'S SUPPERS. "Suppers" are gentlemen's parties, and are either wine suppers, fish suppers, or game suppers. They are attended only by men, whose powers of eating and drinking and telling stories must be immense. They are usually kept up till a late hour, and we feel certain that all good wives frown upon them. THE EVENING PARTY. The party held in the evening may be either very elaborate or more simple in its details, in keeping with the ambition and means of its giver. Having decided upon the amount of outlay, and selected the guests to be invited, invitations should be issued ten days previous to the party. This is a good form: MR. AND MRS. JOHN MONTGOMERY request the pleasure of your presence on Wednesday evening, January 4th, at eight o'clock. 1 6 Euclid Avenue. Dancing at 10. THE INVITATION. This invitation should be engraved on small-sized note-paper, and may be forwarded by mail. The parents and all the younger members of the family should receive separate invitations. PARTIES, BALLS, AND LIKE ENTERTAINMENTS. 97 A reply from those receiving invitations should be returned at once: Mr. and Mrs. Horace Elliott accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. John Montgomery's invitation for Jan- uary 4th. 19 Harrison St. DECLINING AN INVITATION. If it is necessary to decline an invitation it should be in the following terms: Mr. and Mrs. Horace Elliott regret that they cannot accept Mr. and Mrs. John Montgomery's kind invita- tion for January 4th, owing to their being called away from home by sickness of relatives at a distance. 19 Harrison St. NAMING YOUR REASONS. It is absolutely necessary that you should name your reasons for decimation, especially if the invitation be a first one. You should call on the friends who sent you the invitation, whether you attended the party or not, a few days after it has taken place. It is a social -debt which you owe them. INVITING HUSBAND AND WIFE. When a husband is invited, the wife must be in- cluded, and vice versa. Either will resent an affront 7 98 PARTIES, BALLS, AND LIKE ENTERTAINMENTS. of this nature put upon the other. It is no excuse that you are not "much acquainted" or "do not like her." They both belong in the same circle, and it is your business to know and receive, both together. DANCING. Dancing does not always form part of the entertain- ment at evening parties. There may be conversation, cards, games, or music alone provided. Where danc- ing does not constitute the main pleasure, these may also be added, for even in fashionable society, all do not dance. WHEN TO ARRIVE. The hour for arriving, as also for departure, should be moderately early. In this country, where nearly all are engaged in business, it is wise and proper to keep more temperate hours than are kept by the leis- ure classes abroad, to whom night is nearly as day. PROVIDING SUPPER. A supper is always provided, and the arrangement of the table should be in good taste. Of the condnci at supper, we cannot do better than to quote from a well-known authority on matters of etiquette, who says: "It is ill-bred to eat largely at the supper. To say nothing of the ruinous effect of gorging at late hours. PARTIES, BALLS, AND LIKE ENTERTAINMENTS. 99 it is in bad taste. The ball and evening party, are social affairs, and feasting merely incidental. To reverse the conditions 'is ill-bred. To drink to excess is worse than ill-bred, and even the temperate and total-abstinents will do well to talk and dance with extra caution after supper, as any license of speech or act may be attributed to the wine which has stolen away brain and self-control at the same time. No well-bred hostess can forgive any such abuse of her hospitality. When supper is announced at a ball, the gentleman invites the ladies with whom he happens to be in conversation, or the lady with whom he has danced last, unless he sees that those, whom he has escorted, are unattended, in which case his first duty is to them. If possible, he should be near enough to offer them his services at this time, but it is not always easy to anticipate the time. If a lady is attended by a chaperon, he must escort both. No lady is at liberty to refuse the escort of any gentleman to supper, no matter who attended her to the party, or what her preferences may be. It is not well-bred even to show any reluctance or hesitation. The place is too public and formal for the indulgence of any whims, and a general rush of gentlemen to join their respective parties, on the announcement of supper, would create unseemly and needless confusion. At the 'stand-up suppers,' which follow the English 100 PARTIES, BALLS, AND LIKE ENTERTAINMENTS. fashion, the escort must see that the ladies he attends are served before he refreshes himself, and no lady is at liberty to accept the attentions of any gentle- man other than her escort to supper. If he neglects her, she must ask a servant for what she wants." "Pink teas" or "dinners" being still popular and enjoyable, we will refer to them in passing. They are so called from the fact that all the table linen, dishes, ornaments, etc., are of one color as "pink" or "blue," according as they are designated. Young men sometimes commit the error of fancying that it is impolite to leave a young lady's side until some other gentleman engages her in conversation. Such an idea places both parties under restraint. It is good manners to excuse yourself and seek the society of another, after having shown some atten- tions to a lady. It gives her the opportunity of enjoy- ing the conversation of several, and relieves her of the appearance of monopolizing. Children's parties should be simple in character. Evening hours are not as healthful for the little folks as the afternoon hours. If the parties are held in the evening, the hours should be from 7 to 10, at the utmost. Children enjoy these gatherings with all the strength of their fresh natures, and should have the gratifica- tion of being treated liberally to them. PARTIES, BALLS, AND LIKE EKTERTAMMEN'l S. 101 Birthdays especially should be observed. Even in the house of mourning they may be kept up, for chil- dren should not be forced to share in a grief which they cannot understand. Refreshments should be abundant, but not rich. Plenty of cakes, nuts, fruits, with lemonade, ices and coffee, are suitable. Cold chicken, roast beef sliced very thin, and made into delicate little sand- wiches, are nice. Do not forget the birthday cake, the crowning glory of the party. The child in whose honor the party is given, must cut the cake and serve it to the others, if he or she is old enough to know how to attend to it. If not, the duty devolves upon an older sister, or the mother. Dancing, games, and riddle-guessing are among the recreations. It is not expected that presents should be brought by the little guests, although it is often done. A ball is usually a very elaborate affair. Dancing has become so generally acknowledged to be an in-, nocent recreation, and is practiced so universally, that the etiquette of the ball-room demands a place here. Four musicians are ample provision for the musical part, and the largest room in the house should be used for the ball. It should be as barren of furniture as possible. Pictures and carpets should be removed, 102 PARTIES, BALLS, AKL> LIKE ENTERTAINMENTS. and only a row of chairs left standing against the wall for the use of the lookers-on, and the tired dancers, when their partners lead them to a seat. Invite your guests to a number that will prevent crowding, either on the part of the dancers, or those who look on. And endeavor to make up your company of those who approve of, and are fond of dancing. Invitations to a ball are sent out about a week pre- vious, so that guests may have time to decide on their dress. Do not wound the prejudices of those who are opposed to this form of enjoyment, by ask- ing their presence. There should be a dressing-room for the gentlemen. Here a man-servant should be in readiness to take their hats, coats and canes and to show any attention required. The ladies' room must be provided with several glasses, brushes, combs, hair pins and all the accessories of the toilet. A maid must be ready to assist the ladies. After the ladies have adjusted their toilets, they rejoin their escorts, and proceed to the ball-room, and advance toward the hostess, and pay their respects in a few well-chosen words. The gentlemen then seek their host, and address words of greeting to him. The ladiesand gentlemen are then free to walk about, indulge in snatches of conversation, or amuse them- selves as best they can until dancing begins. A lady PARTIES, BALLS, AND LIKE ENTERTAINMENTS. 103 must always dance the first dance with her escort. Some people imagine they are earning a reputation of being fashionable by appearing late at a ball or party. Not so. When guests arrive in season, a pleasanter evening is assured, and it shows a regard for the wishes of the hostess, who has named an hour at which she desires to receive her guests. The duty of receiving the guests belongs to the hostess, but the host should always be at hand to assist her if needed. When there are sons in the family which is giving the ball, they should look after the interests of the young ladies, procuring them partners for the dances, and remembering that flirtations are out of place at that time. The daughters of the house must see that their friends are enjoying themselves, and not dance while other young ladies are neglected. As introductions at balls are understood to be for the purpose of dancing, it is not necessary to recog- nize them afterward, though it is polite to bow. Noisy talking is improper in a ball-room. Never overlook or refuse to fill an engagement upon your card. It is unpardonable. White gloves (kid of course) are worn. Light and very delicate shades are permitted, also. Gloves are removed from the hands at supper. A married couple should not dance together more than once in an evening. 104 PARTIES, BALLS, AND LIKE ENTERTAINMENTS. If a lady refuses to engage in a dance with a gen- tleman, unless her excuse is that she is previously en- gaged, do not accept another invitation for the same dance. Do not enter the ball-room leaning on the arm of your escort. The lady enters first, the gentleman closely following. In asking a lady to dance, the correct form is "May I have the pleasure of the next waltz (cotillon) with you?" If accepted, he should enter her name on his card, and his last name on hers. When a gentleman's hands perspire, which cannot* be helped, often, if there is any danger of his soiling his partner's dress, by contact with it in waltzing, it is an evidence of care which will be appreciated, for him to hold his handkerchief in his hand to shield the dress. No gentleman will encircle the waist of his partner for a waltz until the music begins, and as soon as it ceases, he removes his arm. *We have seen a gentleman at the end of a round dance escort a lady to a seat, retaining his arm about her waist, but he was very verdant, or very ill-bred. The German, being a dance in which no lady can refuse to dance with any gentleman present, is only adapted to private balls. It is a very beautiful and popular dance. A good leader is indispensable in this dance; whose familiarity with all the figures will insure success. PARTIES, BALLS, AND LIKE ENTERTAINMENTS. 10. r > Dancing is almost as old as the world. The oldest records of the race, sacred and profane, allude to it. In most ancient nations it was part of their religious rites. The primitive Christians certainly danced at their religious meetings. Aristotle ranked dancing with poetry, and Socrates took pains to learn the art. The Spartans passed a law requiring parents to train their children in dancing after the age of five years. The modern dances practiced for amusement are, however, much quieter and less exciting than the old dances associated with religion and war. CHAPTER X. TRAVELING MANNERS. is no situation in life ^here the innate [ selfishness of human nature will crop out so un- bliishingly as in traveling. It is so easy to be just a little rude or selfish, and so natural to flatter oneself that not one of your dear five hundred friends will know it, forgetting that in these days of rapid transit, the doings and sayings of people become common property in a very short space of time; while the little act of selfishness or the generous sacrifice of to-day, in a far-off land, may be flashed across the world ere to-morrow's sun arises. Would that all could remember this, and when undertaking a journey, whether of long or short dura- tion, take a vast stock of patience and politeness with them, lest the supply fail when most needed. Travel broadens the mind, and takes us from out our little, narrow sphere into the wide expanse of the world at large. It preaches many things of value. New scenes, new people, are brought to our very doors, and the interchange of thought gives food for 106 TRAVELING MANNERS. 107 reflection and adds polish and grace to our daily lives. But the tourist in a foreign land needs to be espe- cially careful in his thoughtlessness, not to offend the peculiar manners and customs of the country which he visits, and not to air his opinions to every stranger. Nearly every one is apt to be less cautious about his behavior abroad than at home. If all could only feel that they are accepted as representatives of their native land, they would guard its good name more tenderly, by acting under all circumstances, as ladies and gentlemen, There is a marked contrast between the rush and scramble of Americans when traveling and their ease of manner when at home. Why should this be? American gentlemen are the most chivalrous of men. Early training, the deference accorded women, the influence of good homes, have helped to make them so, and yet to see them as we have, pushing and jostling ladies at the ticket office of a railway station, or the entrance to a theater or taking all the seats in a car, and allowing ladies to stand, would impress a stranger with a very different idea of that chivalry of which we like to boast. There must be some demoralizing influence in a railway train, for one continually sees exhibitions of rudeness there. There is a pleasant side to this, however, and that 108 TR/ll/ELMG MANNERS. is found in the fact, that, no matter if the gentlemen are a little rude in their eager quest for a place, a lady who acts with propriety, can journey from one end of our country to the other with safety. Women are held in high esteem, and are certain of protection when they require it. It is always more desirable to have an escort when traveling, for there are many little anxieties which he can assume, thus making a lady's journey more enjoyable. /. The first office of such escort is to either accom- pany his charge to the depot, or meet her there in ample time to obtain her tickets, check her baggage, and procure a good seat in the car for her. He looks after her hand baggage, assists her in and out of the car, makes all inquiries about the route, brings her a glass of water when she wishes it, and performs many acts of politeness " which readily suggest themselves to a kindly disposed, well-bred gentleman. After making the lady as comfortable as possible, he makes himself agreeable to her by pointing out the objects of interest from the car window; or if she is disinclined for further conversation, he lets her relapse into thought, or else provides her with reading matter. We do not think however, it is well to read on the cars, owing to the motion, still many TRAVELING MANNERS. TRAVELING MANNERS. ]09 make a practice of doing so, without receiving any apparent injury to their sight. It is very discourteous to read, unless the lady is engaged in the same man- ner. At the termination of the journey he sees to obtain- ing a carriage for her, and looks after her baggage. He may accompany her to the home of her friends, or to the hotel which she is to stop at. The next day he calls on her to inquire how she bore the fatigue of her journey. His duties as escort are then ended. No gentleman should be asked to take care of a lady in traveling unless he is known to her friends as a man in good standing, and worthy of the trust. And no parent or guardian should request a total stranger on whom he has no claims, to take charge of a lady, merely because he happens to be traveling in the same direction. A lady should not concern herself with any of the details of her trip, when she has an escort. It is pre- sumed that he knows more about traveling than she does, and it will annoy him to be continually asked about the safety of baggage, whether they are on the right train, and numberless other fussy questions that would scarcely be excusable in children. The lady or her relatives should supply the escort with sufficient money to defray all her expenses. Some prefer to have the gentleman attend to these 110 TRAVELING MANNbRS. matters, and settle the account at the end of the jour- ney. But a strict record of all^the items should be kept, in this case. The first method is preferable. Ladies should not have a myriad of packages for an escort to guard. We have often envied the man who said that he could put his wardrobe in a collar box what a world of trouble he saved himself! Some ladies (of course not many) think a Saratoga trunk not large enough to hold all their possessions, but they are burdened with one or two hand sachels, a shawl, various small parcels, a lunch-basket, and finish up with a bird cage! Fancy the feelings of a gentleman who is expected to take charge of a lady with all these appendages. When a lady travels alone she should be at the depot early enough to purchase her ticket and to make any inquiries of the ticket agent, respecting the route. She should never permit a stranger to purchase her ticket or check her trunk. There are proper persons for those services. Be sure to carry more money than you expect to require, but do not display it to strangers. Depots are full of adventurers and sharpers, waiting to "entrap the unwary." We know a gentleman who, when traveling, always divided his money with his wife, she carrying half, and he the other half, his rea- son being that if he were robbed, or by any accider* TRAVELING MANNERS. Ill they were separated on their journey, neither would be left unprovided for. Jewelry should not be worn in traveling; and do not consult your watch every few moments. If you desire any information, apply to the conduct- or. He is the one best able to give you any direc- tions. At the same time, a lady will not refuse any offer of assistance, such as raising or lowering a win- dow, changing seats, to avoid a draught, calling a car- riage, etc. Gentlemen understand perfectly how to offer such services, and will not presume upon their acceptance to force an acquaintance. A lady may make herself agreeable to her fellow- passengers if the journey be long, without being mis- construed. But an acquaintance begun on a railway train should end there. Very young ladies should be cautious and reserved with young men. When a coat or valise is left on a seat, it is un- derstood that it has been reserved for the owner, and no lady or gentleman will remove such articles, and take possession of the seat. If the car is full, it is proper to take any seat that is vacant, even by the side of a gentleman, first inquiring if the seat is occupied. As soon as you are seated, don't throw the window up, thus admitting the soot, and perhaps imperiling the life of another by the cold air. The one who sits 112 TREBLING MANNERS. behind you will suffer from the draught more than the occupant of the seat by your side. Gentlemen, don't expectorate tobacco-juice on the floor, for the skirts of the lady who may be sitting near you, to wipe up. Nor shell nuts and peel oranges, making a litter. Would you be guilty of such rude- ness in a parlor? A pleasant little incident occurred on a train lately which proved the truth of the value of early training. A little boy of six was in the car with his parents, and was given an orange. He peeled it, and looked anxiously around for a receptacle for the skin. "Oh, throw it under your seat," the father said, carelessly. "But, papa, I mustn't throw things on the floor," he answered. He recogni/ed the fact that the same good manners should be practiced abroad as at home. His father quietly opened the window, and threw out the refuse. RIGHTS OF ELDERLY LADIES. Elderly ladies, who are acccustomed to traveling, should deem it a privilege to exercise a supervision over younger and more inexperienced ladies, thus throwing a mantle of protection around them, and also relieving their loneliness. Ladies should always be friendly and helpful to each other. No passenger has a right to occupy two seats with their personal property, unless there is abundance of TRAVELING MANNERS. 113 room; and we feel that anyone is almost justified in taking by force what common politeness on the part of another should freely accord him. When you lay aside your wraps in the car, resume them before the car has nearly stopped at your sta- tion. It is rather undignified to make your toilet and your exit from the car at one and the same time. DON'T BE SELFISH. If you are in a sleeping car don't stay in the dress- ing-room so long that every other lady is debarred from the same privilege. Be as quick as possible, or you will appear very selfish. CARE FOR YOUR VALUABLES. Intrust your valuables to the porter for safe-keep- ing. He usually receives a small fee for the service, but you are not compelled to offer him one. The company employs him for the accommodation i the traveling public. A gentleman should not leave his coat or handbag in a seat, and then spend his time in the smoking car, while a lady may be standing. DO NOT JOSTLE. When you leave the cars at a station for a meal, do not jostle and scramble for the best place, and 8 114 TRAVELING MANNERS. clamor to be served at once. There is usually time allotted for eating in a self-possessed and gentlemanly way. If you leave an umbrella or any other article in a car, apply at the office of the company, and they will assist you in tracing it up. Never leave a train till it has fully stopped. Many serious accidents have been caused by too great haste. WHO SHALL PAY FARE. It is laughable to hear two ladies in a street car dis- puting as to who shall pay the fare. "I'll pay this time." "Iow, you shall not it's my turn." "No, I have the change!" And thus they argue, pocket-books in hand, while the waiting conductor is inwardly wishing them some terrible fate. If your friend offers to pay your fare, consent to her doing so. You will probably have an opportunity to return the favor. If you design paying for both, it is the most polite way to have the exact change ready, and pass it to the conductor without any reference to it. TAKE TIME TO LEAVE THE CAR. When the train has reached its destination, do not rush wildly out, pushing your fellow passengers out of the way. It is both selfish and ill-bred. Be prompt to assist a young child or an aged person from the oar. TRAVELING MANNERS. 115 TRAVELING IN THE NIGHT. A lady should try and arrange her trip, when with- out an escort, so that she will not be compelled to change cars in the night. If she has to do so, she must place herself under the care of the conductor, or some married couple, until the transfer is made. The reasons are obvious. There are always "wolves in sheep's clothing," who would direct her wrong, par- ticularly in large cities. If she arrives in the place where she is to stop at night, and her friends have failed to meet her, or may not know she is coming on that train, she had better not take a hack. Choose rather a 'bus or street-car, where there are plenty of people. PRESENCE OF MIND. Always maintain your presence of mind under all circumstances. Do not become excited at any emer- gency, but keep your wits about you. There are always good people who will advise and assist you. If these simple rules are observed, any lady may take a journey unattended, without an unpleasant incident. A quiet, lady-like manner will command respect. Occasionally a rough, impertinent fellow may be encountered, who will annoy a lady, but if her dignified reserve does not check his advances, she will always find defenders who will teach him his place. lib TR4I/ELING MANNERS. STEAMER ACQUAINTANCES. On a steamer where people are thrown together for days, many pleasant acquaintances spring into exist- ence, and some warm friendships which have stood the test of time have been formed. But even here where much freedom is allowed, it is conceded that a certain degree of reserve should obtain on the part of a lady, and that no familiarity should be permitted; also that an acquaintance formed here need not proceed any further than the place which gave it countenance. Good-breeding forbids that you monopolize the steamer piano or do all the talking in the ladies' cabin. Pay some regard to the comfort of those who retire earlier than you care to. Boisterous laughter and loud talking are contrary to that politeness which springs from a kind heart. EATING HASTILY. At the table do not eat hastily and greedily. It is not only ill-mannered, but it is not a healthy prac- tice. Time is ample here, and you have not the excuse of a hastily-eaten meal at a railway station. Besides, the hundred or more pairs of eyes that are observing you, will comment unfavorably. Never allude to sea-sickness at the table. Most TRAVELING MANNERS. 11? every one is squeamish on the water, and any allu- sion of this sort is in bad taste. Remember here, as elsewhere, to avoid giving offense, and regard the rights of all. CHAPTER XL CONVERSATION AN ART. EILE says "Reason and speech have seemed so [_ inseparable to some that it has been maintained that man would not be man without speech. Hence Shelley's well-known lines: " ' He gave man speech, and speech created thought, Which is the measure of the universe.' " We think there are few who do not ardently desire to become good conversationalists. To be able to hold the attention of a circle of listeners, many of whom are strangers to you, and to make them anxious to hear more from your lips, is a gift that few pos- sess. And yet it lies within the power of all to contrib- ute to the pleasure of any group, by uttering some suggestive thought, which in its turn may set another train of thought in motion, and stimulate to better things. CONVERSING WELL. The ability to converse interestingly has been the stepping-stone to many a man's success in life. 118 AGREEABLE CONVERSATION. CONVERSATION AH ART. 119 There is not a human being in the possession of his faculties who cannot amuse and instruct others. Social contact is a mental stimulant, which modern society sets its stamp of approval upon, as is evi- denced by the ready welcome which the intelligent talker receives everywhere. TALK NOT CONVERSATION. But talk alone is not conversation. There must be a clear brain, a keen perception of the fitness of things, a swiftness at grasping ideas and adapting them to the company in which one is placed, to con- stitute conversation. Some people have so great a love for the sound of their own voices, that they rattle off the veriest nonsense, with the volubility of a chat- tering magpie, and after all their torrent of words, they have said nothing. Such talkers can be found in all places, and are not, in spite of the ugly sar- casms which would-be wits fling at them, confined to the gentler sex. The most graceful conversationalists are those whose thoughts are spontaneous. Contact with other minds broadens and develops our own, arid thus widens the field of thought. \ A GOOD MEMORY NECESSARY. The first essential in becoming a good talker is to 120 CONVERSATION AN ART. have a good memory. The mind must become a storehouse of good things, from whence to draw for the enjoyment of others. When a good lecture or a sermon is heard, it is well to commit the most strik- ing points to memory, and the various deductions drawn therefrom either by the speaker or yourself, can be used for material. A good book should be well studied, much of it committed to memory, and that, too, will serve as a fund from which to educe ideas, which, communicated to others, will bring forth new ones from them, and thus the conversation becomes general, and wit and fancy flow freely. But do not pass these thoughts off upon the company as original allude to their authors and give them due credit. DO NOT CRAM. It is unpardonable to "cram" yourself previous to a social gathering; that is, to read up any special sub- ject, for the purpose of astonishing your hearers with your erudition. You might possibly meet some one who knew more on the subject than you did and who might expose your superficial information at exactly the moment when you fancied yourself the most secure. SHOWING OFF. It is very ill-bred to exhibit any accomplishments for the sake of display, and beget ill-feeling among those whom you desire to dazzle. CONVERSATION AH ART. 121 PUNS ARE VULGAR. A pun occasionally can be forgiven, in good society, but the man or woman who makes a pun on every other word, is a terrible nuisance, and the soul will rise up in arms against them. The fashion of pun- ning dates from the times of the early Greeks, but its age does not entitle it to veneration. Their chief objection is that they continually break in on agree- able conversation, and divert the mind from the sub- ject. A punster has no regard for the most sacred and dear feelings of the heart, and would as readily play upon words at a funeral as at a wedding. TACT. The most exquisite and subtle quality necessary to a god talker, is tact. It is a fine gift to know just hew to talk, to whom, and what is exactly the right thing to say n all occasions. It is only people of the most delicate perceptions who possess this gift, but it can be cultivated. To the author it is a neat compliment to express a fondness for books not his particular books, for that would savor of broad flat- tery, and is offensive. The lady whose heart is in her household cares, will incite you to talk sympathetic- ally with her of the delights of home. To the busi- ness man you can find something to say uf stocks, per cents. , and he will vote you a smart fellow. The 122 CONVERSATION AH ART. good talker must be in a certain sense, "All things to all men;" must show an interest in whatever pleases others. BE CAREFUL NOT TO DRAW COMPARISONS. A person of tact will never comment upon the im- morality of the stage, when he knows one of the group is a member of that profession; nor attack any nation- ality or religion with virulence, in a mixed company, where there are liable to be those whose feelings would be wounded by such indiscriminate remarks. He will not ask effusively after an absent one who may be at bitter enmity with the one with whom he is speaking. THE BOASTFUL TALKER. Of all talkers, the ones most to be dreaded are those who are forever expatiating upon their own exploits; their own brilliant judgment, and their heroic conduct upon some occasion. These people never allow the recitation of any one's doings but their own. No matter how adroitly you may lead them away from self, they will break in upon you with an account of how they conducted upon a similar occasion, and what praise they received for their performance, until their listeners give up in despair, feeling that there is no escape from the tiresome repetition until the talker has rung all the changes upon himself which his vanity is capable of. CONVERSATION AX ART. 133 INTERESTING EXPERIENCES. There is great pleasure to be had in listening to the experiences of those who have traveled, but such nar- rations are solicited. The conceit which leads a man to talk of himself constantly, soon makes his society detested. His exploits are secretly sneered at, and but half believed. No matter how well he may talk, as he is the pivotal center on which his conversation turns, he is credited with nothing but egotism. TRIFLES WEARISOME. Another sort of conversation which is very tiresome, is that which retails all the trivial happenings of the speakers and their family. While these matters are interesting or at least endurable to their immediate friends, to the majority of people they are of no sort of consequence, and become very insipid. UNFIT TOPICS. The details of the toilet, and physical ailments, are never fit subjects for conversation. Such topics should be sedulously avoided, as enlarging upon them can neither interest nor please. POLISH OFTEN A CLOAK. It has often been said that a man can be polished, y nd yet be a villain. That is undoubtedly true. But 124 CONVERSATION AN ART. then it does not follow that because a man is uncouth and boorish he is honest and true. The highest moral purity does not excuse rudeness and ill-breeding. It is far more natural and consistent to associate gentle- ness of manners, refinement and courtesy with genuine goodness, and we believe that nine men out of ten who have the refinement which good society gives, are mentally what they should be gentlemen at heart. A good talket shines best at the dinner-table, where the flow of good feeling is increased by pleasant sur- roundings, and gay and animated discourse is so easily maintained. THE ART OF LISTENING. A good talker makes a good listener. DuH people can best be brought out of their reserve by saying as little as possible yourself, but rather by leading them up to some subject in which they are at home. You pay your listeners, by a "few brilliant flashes of silence" now and then, the compliment of supposing that they have something to say, and that you are desirous of listening to their views. It is told of a young man who was very shy, that a lady succeeded in starting him on a certain train of thought with which he was familiar, and he entertained the com- pany in a charming manner. She spoke but seldom. He afterward remarked of her that she was the finest talker he ever heard. CONVERSATION AN ART. 135 WANDERING ATTENTION. Do not appear to listen while your thoughts are wandering far away, and you are unpleasantly brought back to the present by an unexpected question or a sudden pause. Listen intelligently; pay strict atten- tion to what is being said, and occasionally add a word, or give a quick smile of approval. It will stimulate and awaken an exchange of ideas and kindle a flame that will gladden the heart. But in listening, do not fasten your eyes upon the speaker, under the impression that he will be pleased by such close attention, or let your eyes wander around the room, as though you were meditating flight. Either one of these things will confuse the most brilliant talker who ever lived. DO NOT INTERRUPT. Do not break in upon the good conversationalist. He may stimulate you so that ideas will rush to your lips with torrent-like rapidity, and you can scarcely wait for the other to finish. But you should keep them back until he has done, else you will give the impression that you have not been listening at all, only snatching ideas from him. Surely there are topics enough in this progressive age to supply food for conversation in any coterie the grave, the gay, the learned or the unlearned. Are 120 CONVERSATION /IN ART, not the wonders of the universe spread out before us, within our very grasp? Can we not find subjects for daily conversation in the doings of the great minds of to-day or the latest book, and the kindly deeds of heroic souls? And should not our words uplift the weary hearted, cheer the sad, and bring rays of sun- shine into the lives of all? WHO CONVERSE EASILY. To some men and women whose quick and ready brain responds to the lightest thought, conversation comes naturally; it is no effort for them to converse fluently. To others it is a wearisome task. They think deeply and sensibly; can seize upon a subject clearly, but they are slow in giving utterance to their own conclusions. These can cultivate the art of con- versation. Patience and determination, assisted by practice in putting your thoughts into words, will develop the possibilities within yourselves. Observe closely, fill your minds with facts and the experiences of others, accustom yourselves to think audibly, and you will be surprised at the readiness with which you will express yourself. TRAIN THE CHILDREN. This training properly belongs to the period of childhood, when the mind is easily impressed. Par- CONVERSATION AN ART. 121 ents should encourage a child to relate any thing which has attracted its attention, and should induce it to tell it in its own way. And strict accuracy should be demanded of it in the relation of all incidents. The right use of words and phrases should be taught the child, and careless and improper language should be repressed. The benefit of such a course cannot be overestimated. The young mind early acquires the habit of observing and thinking, is educated to be truthful, and these faculties grow and expand more rapidly. USE FEW COMPLIMENTS. Compliments should be very sparingly administered, else they lose their force. When they are deserved, it is a graceful act to pay them; it is an acknowledg- ment of something worthily done. But let them be sincere, else they become gross flattery, which is low- ering to the giver, and an insult to the one on whom it is bestowed. It is an admission that you are dull and unobservant of the merits of those around you, not to say a fitting word of praise for some good deed they have done and a word of this sort from you is often very gratefully received. NEATNESS OF PERSON. Neat personal appearance is absolutely necessary to the success of a good conversationalist. Much 128 CONVERSATION /IN ART. depends upon the personal magnetism of a talker, the play of feature, the expression of the eye. All these fail to charm, if slovenly dress, tumbled hair, neglect- ed teeth, kill their effect. Neatness is a passport to the favor; the want of it creates disgust. JOKES IMMORTAL. It is asserted that jokes are immortal. But don't revamp all the old jests and stories that have trav- eled the rounds until they must be weary. We will remind our readers that coarse stories are banished from the society of ladies and gentlemen. They who would be known as ladies and gentlemen are clean in body and soul. POLITICS AND RELIGION TABOOED. Never indulge in conversation that will lead to heated debate in the social circle. Politics and relig- ion should be tabooed, for it is almost irrpossible to avoid arousing some one's prejudice, or touching some sensitive point. The bitterest quarrels have been the outcome of what at the start was a mere differ- ence of opinion, and as such entitled to a polite for- bearance. If two persons can engage in a friendly con- troversy on any topic, and observe the rules of polite- ness such an argument is enjoyable to those who list- en, for much information can be gained. But it is CONVERSATION AN ART. 139 wiser to maintain silence when either party is so sensi- tive that a difference of opinion will lead to a loss of temper, and a breach of good manners. AFFECTATION IN SPEECH. A talker should not affect a delicacy of speech which many mistake for refinement. Call things by right names. Do not say limb for leg, or retire for go to bed. There is no true modesty in such substi- tutions. Speak correct English. Use simple phrases, being careful that your pronunciation is the standard one. One had better consult a dictionary every hour in the day, than to risk the secret ridicule which is sure to follow the word which is wrongly pronounced. And names of persons should be correctly pronounced. The pride is easily hurt if liberties are taken with one's name. USE PLAIN ENGLISH. The language which you speak should be well un- derstood. Odd words and high-sounding phrases are in bad taste. It is ridiculous to besprinkle your sen- tences with words from other tongues, and the chances are many that you cannot give them their correct pronunciation, and you gain a reputation for being pedantic. Slang is even more dangerous to use. It will be apt to fall from the lips at the most inopportune 9 130 CONVERSATION AN ART. moment. Young ladies would shun slang phrases as they would a plague, were they aware of the origin of some of their pet phrases. The most beautiful lan- guage is that which is the most simple. The words which have the most value are those which concisely convey the thought to the mind of the listener with clearness and speed. LOUD TALKING OFFENSIVE. Loud talking is very offensive. The loud talker is generally conceited and coarse. He catches the ear, but does not engage the heart. The loud, swaggering talker, starts out upon the supposition that every one is interested in his affairs. He disturbs the circle into which he is thrown. He talks at people, and not for them. There are occasions and places where loud talking is proper. A speaker who would hold his audience must have a voice that will penetrate to the farthest corner. The actor's enunciation must be loud, clear, and distinct. The lawyer, pleading at the bar, should be heard by his entire audience. But a man or woman who comes into a parlor, or the family circle, ;.and talks in a voice that would command a regiment, ". is a perfect bomb-shell, and creates similar feelings to one in the minds of his auditors. Home is not the place for noisy and loud dernonstra- CONVERSATION Alt ART. 131 tions. The play-ground is their proper location. Loud talking becomes a fixed habit, and the one who indulges in it becomes unaware of his own fault. There is nothing so pleasant to the ear, as the even, moderately-pitched tones; at once we give their pos- sessor credit for being well-bred. And these tones can be cultivated by anyone; even though there may be natural defects, they can be overcome, with patience and determination. A low voice does not mean a mumbling, indistinct utterance. Nor does a high-pitched one mean noise. The latter may be very musical, while the former would be the reverse. But a clear, distinct, evenly- modulated voice, sympathetic and refined, is a delight which does double duty to its possessor and to those who listen to it. OBSERVE RESPECT TO LADIES. A gentleman should always remember, in talking with ladies, that they are his equals. There is no more ludicrous spectacle than a man vainly struggling with what he thinks is "small talk" in the company of ladies. He is magnanimously striving to come down to their level, while they are measuring him mentally, and wondering if he knows anything. It is bad breeding to air one's business or occupa- tion in company. Relegate "the shop" to its own 133 CONVERSATION JN ART. place outside the circle where one's private affairs interest no one. SMALL TALK HAS ITS USES. But "small talk" as it is sneeringly named, has its uses and its place. One does not like always to be on stilts figuratively speaking, and we agree with the following from an author who has said many things well: "After all, a man may have done a vast deal of reading, may have a good memory and sound judg- ment; he may season his conversation with wit and be a walking encyclopaedia, and still be a very dull companion. All the world do not read books, and some of those who do, never care about them. Every- body, however, loves to talk. When we are wearied with toil, or tired with thought, we naturally love to chat, and it is pleasant to hear the sound of one's own voice. What we mean by small talk is talk upon common, everyday matters, about the little tri- fling and innocent things of usual occurrence; in short, that vast world of topics upon which every one can talk, and which are as interesting to children and simple-minded persons as the greater questions are to the learned. Many affect a great measure of wisdom by speaking contemptuously of common-place talk, but it is only affected. Real wisdom makes a man CONVERSATION AN ART. 183 an agreeable companion. Talk upon those topics which appear to interest your hearers most, no matter how common they may be. The real wisdom and power of a conversationalist is shown in making a commonplace topic interesting. Many imagine that it is an easy matter to talk about nothing or every- day occurrences, but it requires an active and observ- ant mind, and no small share of invulnerable good humor, to say something on everything to everybody. If a man is never to open his mouth but for the enun- ciation of some profound aphorism, or something that has never been said before; if he is to be eternally talking volumes and discussing knotty problems, , his talk becomes a burden, and he will find that but few of his audience will be willing to listen to him. Small talk obviates the necessity of straining the mind and assuming unnatural attitudes, as though you were exerting your mental powers. It puts the mind at ease." In conversation, as in every other act of life, due respect should be shown for others' opinions and time offending not the first, nor encroaching too far upon the last. CHAPTER XII. WEDDING CUSTOMS. N institution of such antiquity as marriage, and invested with a rich glow of romance and poesy, will never go out of fashion. Since the wedding of Cana, the ceremonies and customs attending a wed- ding have been fraught with continual interest. In the face of the contempt with which frivolous and unthinking people have sought to invest marriage, and though would-be wits have aimed their shafts at its holy customs, it will ever hold an honored place in the minds of the true and good, and a work would be pronounced as of no value, that did not have a hero and heroine whose bounden duty it was, to fall in love and wed. A WEDDING IN A FAMILY. A wedding is an important event, in any family. It invests each individual member with dignity, from the paterfamilias down to the wee toddler whose big sister is the heroine of the coming affair. A book on etiquette would be very incomplete which omitted some instructions upon the forms to be ob- 134 WEDDING CUSTOMS. 135 served in the conducting of a wedding, for marriage is a religious as well as a legal rite. These customs have been handed down from generation to genera- tion through the churches, those conservators of so many good things. But even though these forms are in their general outline ever the same, they may be varied to agree with individual tastes and means. OUTLAY OFTEN TOO GREAT. Sometimes, in that natural anxiety which parents feel to do their loved ones all honor possible, they exceed their means and incur expenses which they can ill afford. And yet, who would like to censure them, when it is remembered that the great event marks the turning point in the life of a fair young daughter who is so soon to leave the home which has sheltered her all her life. She will now become the mistress of a new home its guiding star. To a couple who look their new duties squarely in the face, with a correct and conscientious idea of them, marriage is a solemn step, which is never taken in a light and unthinking manner. Therefore, it is not strange that parents and friends look forward eagerly to this joyous festive occasion. Every one looks on approvingly, and were but a small portion of the kindly wishes uttered in behalf of the young couple fulfilled, the marriage state would be perpetual sunshine. 186 WEDDING CUSTOMS. But clouds will arise dark days will come. With sincere love at the helm, and an earnest mutual deter- mination to do right, and to live lor each other, the newly married pair can smile at any fate. THE BETROTHAL. Before the wedding, comes the betrothal. This is a halcyon period, for then two hearts are drawn closer to each other. It is useless to sneer at love. It is not only the universal passion, but it is a holy one. "He that feels No love for woman, has no heart for them, Nor friendship or affection! he is foe To all the finer feelings of the soul; And to sweet Nature's holiest, tenderest ties, A heartless renegade." Thre is no formal announcement of a betrothal, in this country; but in other lands the festivities are very gay. It is usual here, however, for the father of the bride to give a dinner and announce the engage- ment before rising from the table, when congratula- tions are in order. RECEPTIONS IN HONOR OF THE COMING EVENT. After this has been communicated to the friends, those who are in the habit of entertaining give recep- tions, dinners or theater parties to the engaged couple. WEDDING CUSTOMS. l87 THE BRIDE NAMES THE DAY. It is the expected bride's prerogative to name the "happy day." Tastes are divided as to the most desirable months. May is shunned by those who are in the least superstitious, as it is deemed unlucky. The ancient Romans, who were dominated by omens and signs, regarded it as an unfortunate month, and Ovid said "That time too, was not auspicious for the marriage torches of the widow or of the virgin. She who married then, did not long remain a wife." Just after Easter seems a favorite season for wed- dings, and the fall months are also much liked. THE YOUNG LADY'S CARDS. Immediately preceding the sending out of the invi- tations for the marriage, the bride that is to be, leaves her card at the homes of her friends. She leaves them in person, but does not call, unless she makes an exception in favor of an aged or sick person. After this formality has been attended to, and the invitations are distributed, the young lady should not be seen in public. SENDING OUT INVITATIONS. If the ceremony is to take place in church, and be followed by a reception, invitations are sent out to friends ta days in advance. It is quite fashionable 138 BEDDING CUSTOMS. to be wedded in church, and return to the house to don their traveling costume, and leave for a matri- monial trip. THE FORM OF INVITATION. The most commonly accepted form of invitation is worded thus: MR. AND MRS. THOMAS CLARKE request your presence at the marriage of their daughter GLADYSS, to CHARLES W. ALLEN, on Tuesday evening, March nth, at eight o'clock, Christ Church, Indianapolis. fhis invitation includes only the service at the church. Those friends whose presence is desired at the reception receive a card of this nature, inclosed with the invitation: MR. and MRS. THOMAS CLARKE At home, Tuesday evening, March nth, from half-past eight until eleven o'clock. 62 Elizabeth-St. A card still more simple is preferred; as Reception at 62 Elizabeth-St. at half-past eight. WEDDING CUSTOMS. 130 ADMISSION CARDS TO CHURCH. An admission card to a church strikes one rather disagreeably, and yet where both parties have an extensive acquaintance, they are necessary to prevent over-crowding, and are worded thus: Christ Church. Ceremony at eight o'clock. Invitations should be printed or engraved upon note-paper of excellent quality, and the envelope must fit the inclosed invitation closely. MARRYING IN TRAVELING COSTUMES. Many very fashionable people who dislike the excite- ment and display of a public wedding, are wed in their traveling costumes, with no one but the family and a few very near friends present. This is always the rule, after a recent death in the family, or some other affliction. Brides-maids are taken from the relatives or most intimate friends the sisters of the bride and of the bridegroom where possible. The bridegroom chooses his groomsmen and ushers from his circle of relatives and friends of his own age, and from the relatives of \i\sfiancee of a suitable age. The brides-maids should be a little younger than the bride. These must be from two to six in number, and they must exercise 140 WEDDING CUSTOMS. taste in dress, looking as pretty as possible, being careful however, not to outshine the bride. White is the accepted dress for brides-maids, but they are not limited to this, but can select light and delicate colors, showing care that everything harmonizes. Pink, blue, sea-green, ecru, or lavender, makes a very pretty contrast to the bride, who must always be clothed in white. THE BRIDES-MAID MUST FULFILL HER ENGAGEMENT. A brides-maid must never disappoint the bride by a failure to keep her engagement. Only severe sick- ness or death will excuse her. The bride bestows some present on each brides-maid, while the groom remembers each groomsman in a similar manner. THE WEDDING-RING. The wedding-ring is used in the marriage service of nearly all denominations. It is always a plain gold band, rather heavy and solid. A ring with a stone set in it, is preferred for an engagement ring. The use of a wedding-ring is a very ancient custom. It is probable that it was used by the Swiss Lake dwellers, and other primitive people. In very early times it was used by the Hebrews, who possibly borrowed it from the Egyptians, among whom, as well as the Greeks and the Romans, the wedding-ring was WEDDING CUSTOMS. 141 used. An English book on etiquette, published in 1732, says, the bride may choose on which finger the ring shall be placed, and it says some brides prefer the thumb, others the index finger, others the middle finger, "becauseit is the largest," and others the fourth finger, because "a vein proceeds from it to the heart." The engagement ring is removed at the altar, usually by the bridegroom, who passes the wedding- ring (which is a plain gold band, with the date and the initials engraved inside) to the clergyman, to be used by him in the ceremony. On the way home from church, or as soon thereafter as convenient, the bride- groom may place the engagement ring again on the bride's finger, to stand guard over its precious fellow. Some husbands who like to observe these pretty little fancies, present their wives of a year's standing, with another ring, either chased or plain, to be worn on the wedding-ring finger, and which is called the keeper. This, too, is supposed to "stand guard" over the wedding-ring. THE DUTIES OF THE USHERS. The ushers at a wedding, of whom there are four, have a multitude of duties to perform. They are selected from among the most intimate friends of either groom or bride. One of them is chosen master of ceremonies, and his office is to be early at church, 142 WEDDING CUSTOMS and having a list of the invited guests, he must allot a space for their accommodation by stretching a cord or ribbon (sometimes a circle of natural flowers) across the aisles for a boundary line. He sees that the organist has the musical programme at hand; that the stool on which the bride and groom kneel is in its proper position, and covered with a spotless white cloth. He escorts ladies to seats, and asks the names of those who are unknown to him, that he may by consulting his list, place the relatives and nearest friends of the bride by the altar. USHERS AT THE HOUSE. Two of the ushers, as soon as the pair are made one, hasten to the house at which the reception is to be held, to receive the newly wedded and their guests. CONDUCTING THE GUESTS. Another duty of the ushers at the house is to con- 'duct the guests to the bride and groom, and present those who may not have been acquainted. They then introduce the guests to the parents. It may be that some members of the two families may never have met some of the others ' friends, through liv/ng at a distance; so this becomes a necessary formality. In all such cases the gentleman who is the escort of WEDDING CUSTOMS. 143 a iady follows her with the usher, and is in turn intro- duced. The usher attends to every lady who has no escort, and sees at supper that she is well, served. HOW THE USHERS DRESS. The dress of the ushers must consist of the regula- tion full evening toilet white neckties, and delicately tinted gloves. They must also be provided with handsome button-hole bouquets. PROCEEDING TO THE ALTAR. In proceeding to the altar, the brides-maids enter the church, each leaning on the arm of a groomsman, while the mother of the bride comes next, on the arm of the groom. The bride enters leaning on her father's arm, or the next male relative who is much her senior in years. They pass to the altar, the brides-maids turning to the left, the groomsmen to the right. The groom places the mother just behind the brides-maids, or seats her in a front pew at the left. The father remains standing where he can give away the bride, who stands at the left of the groom. LEAVING THE ALTAR. On leaving the altar, the bridal pair walk first, the bride keeping her veil over her face. The brides- 144 WEDDING CUSTOMS. maids and groomsmen follow next, the father and mother being last. MARRIED IN A TRAVELING DRESS. If a bride is married in her traveling dress, she wears a bonnet. The groom is dressed in dark clothes. They do not require brides-maids or grooms- men, but have ushers, while the groom has his "best man," whose place it is to attend to everything nec- essary. STARING AT THE BRIDAL PARTY. The guests should not rush out of church for the purpose of collecting on the sidewalk to get a look at the bride. They should remain quietly in the church until the wedding procession has passed out. THE RECEPTION. At the reception following, half of the maids are on the left of the bride and half on the left of the groom. Kissing the bride is fast going out of fashion, in the best circles. It is a dreadful ordeal for a young and timid bride, and should be laid on the shelf with many other ridiculous customs. DRESS OF THE BRIDE. The dress of the bride should be devised according to her means but it is imperative that it is white, BETROTHED. WEDDING CUSTOMS. 145 and may be muslin, silk or satin. A veil should be worn; one composed of tulle is more dainty in its effect than a lace one. But for a very fleshy bride lace will be best, as tulle has the quality of making one's proportions' look larger. The orange blossom has always been adopted for ornamentation, and is very beautiful. But if these cannot be procured, other natural flowers can take their place. If jewelry is worn, it should be something very elegant and chaste. A bride is not expected to dance at her own wed- ding. LENGTH OF RECEPTION. The reception should be of two or three hours' duration. When the time of departure on their wed- ding journey draws near, the young couple quietly withdraw from the festivities without making any adieus. None but the most intimate friends remain to wish them bon voyage. EXHIBITING WEDDING GIFTS. Wedding presents are no longer exhibited on the day of the wedding, ticketed and labeled with the names of their givers, like dry goods in a shop window. There are so many beautiful articles which can be fittingly sent as wedding gifts, that it is almost impossible to particularize. Among them are pictures, albums, to 146 WE DOING CUSTOMS. bric-a-brac, vases, clocks, mantel ornaments, jewelry, books, and even pieces of furniture. Formerly it was only thought proper to give silverware and jewelry, but common sense has come to the, front in these days, and ostentatious display no longer prevails in good society. THE SECOND MARRIAGE OF A WIDOW. When a widow remarries, her wedding costume should be of some light-colored silk, and she should omit the veil. Neither- should she have brides-maids, but should be attended by her father, brother, or an elderly male relative. She should remove her first wedding-ring, out of deference for the feelings of the groom. The refreshments at a wedding reception consists of salads, oysters, cold chicken, ices and confection- ery, served en buffet. Coffee and tea are not generally served. Parents and friends who are in mourning should leave off their somber garments at the wedding. Of course they may be resumed after the bride's depart- ure. THE WEDDING TRIP. The wedding tour is no longer considered absolutely necessary. Many young couples who are going at once to housekeeping, do not take a trip, but proceed H/E DOING CUSTOMS. 147 direct from the church to their future home, where the reception is held. In this case, the duties of the head usher are the same as at the reception, save that he is assisted in taking charge of ths guests by the mother of the bride. AVOID SHOW OF AFFECTION BEFORE STRANGERS. If a tour is made, avoid any silly manifestations &f affection in public. Observe a respectful reserve toward each other; thus you will not expose your- selves to ridicule by demonstrations of affection which should be kept for the sacred privacy of home. USE OF THE MIDDLE NAME. A bride may after her marriage drop her middle name, and adopt her maiden name in its place, as Mrs. Nellie Winn Seymour, instead of Mrs. Nellie Maria Seymour. We think this a good fashion, as it helps to a knowledge of the family to which the bride belonged, ere her marriage, and saves confusion. Widows often retain the names of their first husbands, as Mrs. Belle Hopkins Gill. SENDING WEDDING-CAKE. Wedding-cake is not sent out as formerly. In lieu of that it is piled up in tasty little boxes on a side- table at the reception, and each guest takes just one box, 148 WDDING CUSTOMS. WHAT A BRIDEGROOM MAY PAY FOR. Most bridegrooms would from the fullness of their hearts, pay for everything connected with the com- ing event, but this would offend the delicacy of the bride and her friends. There is a law of etiquette concerning this, as all other matters. We therefore append a brief summing up of what he may pay for without trespassing upon those customs which have been observed from earliest times, and which fall within the province of the parents of the bride. THE WEDDING BOUQUET. He should not fail to send the wedding bouquet to the bride, on the morning of the ceremony. He also should present the bride with some article of jew- elry. "All wedding cards should be paid for by the family of the bride, and all other expenses of the wedding, with the following exceptions: The clergyman's fee (this is handed to the clergyman by the best man after the ceremony). This may consist of any amount which he thinks proper; but never less than $5.00. The wedding-ring, the bride's bouquet and present, and presents or bouquets to the brides-maids; to the ushers he may give scarf pins. To the latter he can also present canes, sleeve buttons, or any other little remembrance which his ingenuity may WEDDING CUSTOMS. 149 suggest. To the brides-maids fans, bangles, lockets, or some other souvenir may be presented. "The groom should on no account pay for the cards, the carriages, nor the entertainment, nor anything connected with the wedding. "The reason for this is, that an engagement may be broken even after the cards are out, and it would then remain for the parents of the bride to either repay the outlay, or stand in the position of being indebted to the discarded son-in-law. "In the event of the engagement being broken, the bride should immediately return all presents. "In addition to other details, the parents of the bride should pay for the cards sent out after marriage. These are generally ordered with the announcement cards." WEDDING-CARDS. Fashions in wedding-cards are constantly changing. Any good stationer is provided with the newest and most approved styles. The fantastically ornamented cards of a few years ago, are happily supplanted by plainer and less showy ones. They should be of a fine quality, yet of heavy board, and engraved in script. NO WEDDING-CARD RECEIVED. If you do not receive a wedding-card, do not call upon a newly married couple. There is a sort of a 150 tVEDDING CUSTOMS. tacit understanding that only those receive them whose acquaintance they wish to retain. HOME WEDDINGS. Home weddings are much simpler affairs, but they can be made very beautiful. An arch of flowers may be placed in the drawing-room, under which the young couple stand, with the clergyman behind it. The bridal party enters, as in church, and after they have been pronounced man and wife, they turn and face their guests, receiving their congratulations. The recipients of cards inviting them to be present at the church ceremony call or leave cards within a month after the wedding, while those who attended the reception call within ten days, upon the parents. A PRIVATE WEDDING. If the wedding has been strictly private the bride's parents send the following card during the absence of the pair upon their bridal tour: MR. AND MRS. JOHN D. HOWARD announce the marriage of their daughter LUCIE CLARK to JOSEPH FRENCH BRYANT Thursday, October 30, 1890. H/EDD1NG CUSTOMS. 151 NOTES OF CONGRATULATION. All who receive such cards send notes of congratu- lation to the parents, and also to the bride and groom, when intimate friendship warrants it. RECEIVING ON THE RETURN FROM THE BRIDAL TOUR. The newly married pair receive in their new homa on their return. The announcements of such affairs accompany the wedding-cards, and merely state the fact thus: Tuesdays in November. 22 Anderson-St. If these receptions are to be held in the evening this should be stated also, as Tuesday evenings in November. It is very common for the bride's parents to give the young couple a reception upon their return; this is followed by one given them by the parents of the groom. At these receptions, the bride wears dark silk, as rich and elegant as her means permit, but without any bridal ornaments. If she wishes to, she can wear her wedding-dress at parties or formal din- ners, but the veil and flowers are worn no more. A BRIDE'S OUTFIT. The bride's outfit should be selected with special 152 WEDDING CUSTOMS. reference to the position in life she expects to occupy, and the income of her future husband. Rich and extravagant dressing is in bad taste under any cir- cumstances. CHAPTER XIII. IN THE DINING-ROOM. T"*^ROM earliest times the pleasures of the table have 1 been enjoyed, and dining has been fashionable. Although no account is given of it, we have no doubt that Adam and Eve ate their dinners with zest. WHAT HOUR TO DINE. The hour of dining varies with the people, the middle and working classes adopting the midday hour for the most substantial and elaborate meals of the day. Others dine later in the day. Whether this is as healthy an hour as the earlier one, we are not prepared to discuss; but if the hour for retiring is about eleven p. M. , we see no objection to the seven o'clock dinner. TABLE MANNERS. CHANGE. The manners pertaining to the table have changed greatly, since we are told that although cooking had reached a high state of development, among the ancient Egyptians, still they had not arrived at the 153 154 Iff THE DINING-ROOM. dignity of having separate dishes from which to eat, but all the guests sat round a table, and dipped their bread into a dish in the center. It is interesting and instructive to note the various customs of other lands. The ancient Greeks reclined at their meals; the use of spoons and knives was quite limited, while forks were unknown. The Spar- tans disdained the pleasures of the table, confining themselves to black bread and broth, a violent con- trast to the dining-hall of Nero, the ceiling of which was inlaid with ivory, which slid back, and a rain of fragrant waters, or rose leaves was showered on the heads of the carousers. The appointments of a Hin- doo's table are simple, being the large leaves of the banana, which are used in lieu of plates. Their fingers supply the absence of knives and forks, while rice, curry, ghee, eggs, milk, fish and fruits furnish all the food they care for. COOKS IN ESTEEM. Cooks have, in all ages of the world, been held in high honor, and the nation which has furnished some of the best, is also noted for their frugality in manag- ing the culinary department of the household. It is said that a family in France live well upon what many an American family wastes. Some of the most famous men have been epicures. IN THE DINING-ROOM. 155 It is related of the orator Hortensitis that he had a large fish pond in which he bred fish for his table, and if one of them chanced to die, he shed tears. The Romans bred oysters and snails, to gratify their fastidious appetites, and during that corrupt period, there was a rage for rare and costly food. One of the emperors served a dish of the tongues of i , 500 flamin- goes, while peacocks' tongues were esteemed a rare dish. THE DINNER PARTY A FACTOR IN CIVILIZATION. Were the dinner party abolished, how much would be lost to civilization. How many great plans have been discussed, how many friendships have been formed, and how many bright sayings and sparkling thoughts have had their birth in the fostering influ- ence of the dinner table? The great Talleyrand declared the dinner the best meal for transacting business. Campaigns have been mapped out, alliances between nations cemented through these sociable gatherings of society. THE CHEERFUL HOME DINNER. The home dinner should be a most cheerful meeting of companionable and sprightly members, all inter- ested in each other's welfare, all ready to contribute their quota to the general fund of enjoyment. The dining-room should be made as bright and sunny as 156 IN THE DINING-ROOM. possible. The mistress of the house may be troubled about many things, but she should wear her pleasant- esc smiles at the table, that her husband and children may be refreshed in spirit as well as body. The con- versation should be bright and cheery; the children can be taught very young many lessons of etiquette that will serve them well in after years. These lessons 1 will be an education to them in mind and manners. FORMAL DINNERS. The more formal dinners given by those who lovt to entertain should be made as elegant as possible. The first step is to study those simple customs whose observance makes them charming. The finest dressed man may be a boor at the table. Every din- ner should be made as good as possible, and this does not imply a great outlay of money, but the expenditure of taste and time. If a hostess practices method in her everyday dinners, if she has each one neatly pre- pared and well-cooked, the giving of a larger and more ceremonious dinner will not cause her any more" anxiety only an extra amount of time to prenare it, and the choice of a greater variety of dishes. THE DINING-ROOM SHOULD BE CHEERFUL. The dining-room should be one of the best-lighted and most cheerful apartments in the house. Size is IN THE DINING-ROOM. 157 another requisite. Bric-a-brac, scarfs and much drapery are superfluous, as they are sadly in the way, if your guests are many. A few pictures on the wall, a sideboard with its sparkling glass and silverware, and a lounge and chairs are all that are necesssary, as furnishings. HAVE A GOOD TABLE. The table should be firm and solid, and not so shaky that the guests fear some catastrophe. Cane-seat chairs should never be used in the dining-room. They catch beads and fringes and play sad havoc with them. The perforated wood ones are equally bad. The brass-headed nails with which they are fastened, catch worse than the cane, and many a delicate fabric has been ruined by them. Chairs upholstered with leather are the nicest, but oak chairs with high backs are deservedly popular. THE DISHES SHOULD SHINE. The table should be set with dishes that shine. When china or glass has the least roughness to the touch, it is an indication that it has not been washed clean. The table linen at dinner should be snowy white, and smoothly ironed. There are some very beautiful effects in cream, or white with colored bor- ders, that may be used in the place of white, if the 158 IN THE DINING-ROOM. taste inclines to them. A cloth of cotton flannel or baize should be laid under the table-cloth, to serve as a protection from the heat of the dishes, as also to prevent that noisy clatter which is so disagreeable. Glass water-bottles (carafes) with dishes of clacked ice, should be within reach of every guest. NAPKIN RINGS NOT USED. Napkin rings should never be used, save in the strict privacy of home; for it is an open secret that the use of a napkin ring suggests the repetition of the use of the napkin a practice highly improper with our guests. FLORAL DECORATIONS. Flowers are a great addition to the beauty of a table, and where they can be had, are as/suitable for the family table as the more fornral or?e. In the latter they are indispensable. % The dishes may be fewer at the home dinner. Let the guest who is invited to your home, feel that you are not making an extra effort in his behalf, a knowledge which will make a guest feel uncomforta- ble. On the contrary, let them see that you are dis- pensing your everyday hospitality, and that they are heartily welcome. As an eminent authority on house-, keeping says: "Let no one suppose that, because she lives in a IN THE DINING-ROOM. 159 small house and dines on homely fare, the general principles here laid down do not apply to her. A small house is more easily kept clean than a palace. Taste may be quite as well displayed in the arrange- ment of dishes on a pine table, as in grouping the silver and china of the rich. Skill in cooking is as readily shown in a baked potato or johnny-cake as in a can- vas-back duck. The charm of good housekeeping lies in a nice attention to little things, not in a superabun- dance." SELECTION OF GUESTS. Much tact is necessary in choosing the guests for an informal dinner. It is so difficult to invite or rather select those whom you know will harmonize. As the intercourse is free, and social, "only agreeable elements should be brought together. The important dishes are put on the table, and the hostess can dish out the soup and the host can carve. A French roll should be folded in each napkin. If there is only one servant to wait on the guests, she should be care- fully trained beforehand, so that no awkward mistakes will be made. The plates should be hot, as any din- ner is spoiled if hot meat is put on a cold plate, and the servant should have a napkin around her thumb, as even simple dinners are marred by any lack of neatness. Before serving the dessert the table should be cleared of everything but the fruit and flowers, 160 IN THE DINING-ROOM. and the crumbs brushed onto a tray with a brush or crumb-scraper the latter is the best, because usually the neatest. The plates, knives, spoons and forks, may then be laid at each plate for dessert. The dinner should not last more than an hour." COURSES FOR A SMALL PARTY. A dinner for a few friends can consist of the follow- ing courses: First, soup, then fish, a roast, with two kinds of vegetables, and lastly salad, cheese, and a dessert of pie and pudding. Apples and nuts may be brought on, also. A dinner of these materials, well cooked and served up with neatness and promptness, is ample for a lady or gentleman of moderate means to give. It is not elaborate dishes that please most, but the simple hospitality and unaffected heartiness of the host and hostess, that give zest to the food set before the guests. The glass-ware should be sparkling; the dishes pol- ished to the highest degree. Unless they are carefully washed and rinsed they will have a sticky feeling which makes a fastidious person feel uncomfortable. A well-set table is appetizing. It is a truth that the eye should be gratified as well as the palate. DO NOT KEEP YOUR HOSTESS WAITING. Promptness at the dinner table is one of the first IN THE DINING-ROOM. 161 essentials. No member of a family and no guests has a right to keep others waiting. Particular pains should be taken that the dress is suited to the occa- sion. Even though a gentleman may not possess a dress-coat, still he can make some change in his apparel, in honor of the affair, such as changing his necktie or freshening his linen. SERVING THE FOOD. The meal can be all placed upon the table at once before the family is seated, or, where there is a serv- ant, she should bring in the courses in their order. The English style is a very good one. All the dishes of a course are brought in at once, and those which are to be carved are removed to a side-table, where a servant performs that duty. CARVING. If the carving is to be done at the table, the host must attend to it himself. He should be prepared with a sharp knife and strong fork. The steel should be banished from the table; it is supposed that he did all the sharpening before dinner was ready, and it certainly is not productive of much pleasure to sit patiently waiting to be served, while the host is whet- ting his knife. He should always sit while carving. He also indicates who is to receive the first plate. 162 IN THE DINING-ROOM. The person receiving it should keep it, and pass the plates on as they are designated. When one is to help himself from a dish, he should do so before offer- ing it to a neighbor. HOW TO USE A NAPKIN. Lay your napkin across your lap, instead of tuck^ ing it in your neck. At a formal dinner do not fold your napkin when through with it, but leave it lying loosely beside your plate. Napkins should never be starched. It is an idea which most likely originated in hotels where the waiters are very fond of twisting them into fantastic shapes. Napkins can be obtained which are very beautiful. It is said that Queen Elizabeth sent to Flanders for lace with which to have hers edged. USE OF THE KNIFE. Cut your food with your knife, but convey it to your mouth with the fork. But do not overload this little implement, but merely take as much upon it as you can hold with grace. The fork held in the right hand should be used for eating salads, cheese, pastry and all made dishes. EATING FRUIT. It is quite the thing to eat oranges, melons, etc., with a spoon. The side of the spoon should be used IN THE DINING-ROOM. 163 in carrying soup to the mouth. But beware, lest you make that disagreeable ound in eating soup, which is not only offensive to the ear, but is a positive rude- ness. In eating grapes, cherries, and fruits with pits, do not eject them from the mouth, but remove them to the side of the plate with the hand. FINGERS CAN BE USED. There are many vegetables and fruits which are eaten, in which the fingers play an important part. Among them is the artichoke, which is taken with the fingers, as is also celery invariably. Aspar- agus is taken in the fingers, unless it is covered with sauce. Hard cheese is broken with the fingers. Nearly all other vegetables are eaten with the fork. HOW TO EAT GREEN CORN. Green corn is a problem, some eating it from the cob, others calling it barbarous. We think it is the proper way, however; and we are borne out by the usages of good society. Croquettes, patties, etc., are eaten with a fork. THE SPOON. We eat strawberries with a spoon, but in Europe, 164 IN THE DINING-ROOM. where they are much less lavish with them, they are passed around on the stem, and each berry is dipped into sugar as it is eaten. A spoon is used in eating Roman punch. Ices are sometimes eaten with a fork, but usually with a spoon. In eating lettuce, the knife and fork must both be used if the leaf is large, but the fork must be used to convey it to the mouth. A piece of bread may be used in gathering the lettuce onto the fork. With salad, bread, butter and cheese are served, and a salad knife and fork are important. It is in bad form to cut up salad very fine on one's plate. Let that be done, if at all, before it is brought to the table. Olives may be placed on the table before the guests arrive, or they may be brought on after the soup is served. They may be taken with a spoon from the dish in which they are served, and eaten with a fork or with the fingers. It is considered equally proper to eat them either way. Canned tomatoes, corn, etc., are eaten with a spoon usually, although with the growing use of the fork some people now use that. Pine-apple is cut with the knife and conveyed to the mouth with a fork. A silver knife is used in eating apples and pears. They are peeled, cut into quarters, and eaten with IN THE DINING-ROOM. 165 the fingers usually, but if the fruit is very juicy, like some pears, it is better to use a fork. It is always better to use a fork, even at the peril of seeming affected, than to offend the taste of another by mak- ing a mess with the fingers, as some careless people often do. A steel knife is never used in eating fruit because the juice stains the steel, and it gives an un- pleasant flavor to the fruit. Oranges are peeled and separated into their natural sections, although they are sometimes cut instead. They are often pared with a spoon by English people. To eat an orange gracefully requires some practice and skill. Bananas are peeled and sliced with a knife and eaten with a fork. EATING EGGS. Eggs that are boiled in the shell should be placed in an egg cup, the shell broken at one end, and then eaten from the shell. Break bread with the fingers, in place of cutting it. It can be laid on the table-cloth by the side of the plate. THE CEREMONIOUS DINNER. The ceremonious dinner demands much more prep- aration and care than the simple family gathering. The invitations to such dinners are sent out a week previous. These read thus: 186 IN THE DINING-ROOM. x MR. and MRS. FRED HUNTRESS request the pleasure of MR. and MRS. JAMES WESTON'S company at dinner on Wednesday, March loth, at seven o'clock. ANSWERING INVITATIONS. An invitation of this sort must be responded to at once, accepting or declining. In the latter event, the cause should be stated plainly. If sudden illness or any other emergency arises, to prevent attendance after the invitation has been accepted, word should be sent to the hostess, even if but a few minutes before the hour appointed. ANNOUNCING DINNER. The dinner prepared, and the guests arrived, prop- erly introduced to escorts, the servant quietly an- nounces that dinner is ready. The host offers his arm to the oldest lady, or to the one in whose honor the dinner is given, the hostess following with the most honored gentleman. The younger guests should per- mit the older ones to precede them. The host and hostess may sit at the two ends of the table, or oppo- site each other in the middle of the table. Each lady si* at the right of her escort. IN THE DINING-ROOM. 167 OYSTERS HOW SERVED. Raw oysters are served on majolica plates, and placed at each plate before the guests are seated. If they cannot be obtained they can be omitted and the first course may then be soup. Everyone is not fond of soup, but those who are not cannot decline it, but should make a pretense of partaking of it. Those who are fond of it must never ask for a second supply, and the plate must not be tilted in partaking of it. REFUSING WINE. If the host provides wine, and you are disinclined to drink it, you can refuse it without giving offense. LADIES LEAVING THE TABLE. At a sign from the hostess, the ladies all rise from the table, and repairing to the drawing-room, leave the gentlemen to their own devices. But it is a healthy sign that, the gentlemen soon follow them. In France the gentlemen and ladies all leave the dinner table together, as indeed they do here, at an informal or family dinner. Whether an invitation to a dinner is accepted or not, all those invited should make an after-call within a very short time after the entertainment. Sending a card is not a sufficient acknowldgement of an invi- tation to a dinner. 168 IN THE DINING-ROOM. LADIES' TOILETS. Ladies' toilets for dinner should be very elegant, while the gentlemen appear in full dress. Gloves are removed at the table, and are not replaced. These formal dinners are always given in the evening. A GOOD NUMBER AT TABLE. Ten is a very good number to seat at dinner. Some people foolishly fear the dreaded thirteen. It is a superstition which probably has its rise in the fact that at the Last Supper there were thirteen. Many firmly believe that should this number meet at table, one of the company will die before the expiration of the year an idea which has no foundation in fact. Guests should be prompt, arriving at least ten min- utes before the hour set for dining. Fifteen minutes is the limit of time allowed for the hostess to keep the remainder of the guests waiting the arrival of a tardy one. "All remain standing until the hostess is seated, when they take the seats assigned them. This is usually indicated by a card (the guest card) laid at each place, on which is the name of the guest for whom that seat is designed. Many fanciful designs are often prepared for these cards. They may be hand-painted, with figures of flowers, landscapes or birds, or have beau- tiful etchings, or bronze and silver ferns, or have IN THE DINING-ROOM- 169 some design in consonance with the giving of the din- ner." WHAT A HOSTESS SHOULD AVOID. A lady must never lose her self-possession. She should never reprove servants before others. The oc- casion should be made as pleasant as possible. The hostess should never allow her plate to be removed, until all the guests have finished eating. THE HOST'S DUTIES. "The host must be ever on the alert to assist the hostess. He must watch the conversation, suggest new topics when it flags, direct it away from un- pleasant topics, draw out the reticent and encourage the shy. He must always aim to bring out others, while he should never shine supreme at his own table. He should possess a knowledge of the world that nothing can surprise, and a calmness and suavity that nothing can ruffle. As far as possible the wants of all should be anticipated." On leaving, each guest should express the pleasure they have received in as few words as may be. LUNCHEONS. Luncheons are such sociable affairs that they are very popular with many ladies who dread the cere- mony of a dinner, and yet who desire to entertain 170 IN THE DINING-ROOM. their friends. Any meal between the regular ones is called a luncheon, and the invitations may be by card, or even verbally. Colored table-cloths may be pressed into service, and there is a fine opportunity for the display of handsome china. INVITE AS MANY AS YOU CHOOSE. Any number of guests can be invited, and if the ladies outnumber the gentlemen, it does not matter. Sometimes there are no gentlemen at all, as these luncheons are day-time affairs, when men are gener- ally engrossed in business. There is scarcely any formality observed. WEARING HATS AT TABLE. Hats and bonnets can be worn at the table by the ladies, and they sit wherever they please. At lunch- eon the menu card is never used. Guests help them- selves, and one another. BILL OF FARE. The bill of fare may be varied. Cold meats, tea and coffee, with loaf cake, puddings, ice-cream and tarts are usual, though some have hot meats served. Music and conversation follow the lunch. Calls are made after a luncheon the same as after a dinner. IN THE DINING-ROOM. 171 As many ladies may be partial to the luncheon, we quote a bill of fare suited to this meal, as also the in- vitation: MRS. MAURICE MYER Luncheon at 1 1 o'clock, May 2Oth. Raw oysters on half-shell. Bouillon. V o 1 s-a u-v e n t of Sweet-breads. Lamb-chops, Tomato Sauce. Chicken Croquettes, French Peon. Salad of Lettuce. Neufchatel Cheese, Milk Wafers toasted. Chocolate Bavarian cream, moulded in small cups, with a spoonful of Peach Marmalade on each plate. Vanilla Ice-cream, Fancy Cakes. Fruit. CHAPTER XIV. TABLE MANNERS. NO surer gauge of the native refinement of any person can be found than the manners which they show at the table. It is incumbent upon par- ents to train their children in those niceties of etiquette which will grow with their growth, and make their progress through life far easier. Who does not feel compassion for that young per- son who is, at the very outset of his career, confront- ed with the dread lest he make an exhibition of his lack of good manners? By commencing to instill simple forms of good-breeding into the child in its ear- liest years, they become habitual, and their perform- ance a second nature. CHILDREN SHOULD BE INSTRUCTED. Children should be early brought to the table, that they may benefit by association with those whose manners are fixed. By such association they will acquire an ease and readiness which will serve them 172 TABLE MANNERS. 173 well when they in turn become entertainers, in their after life. POLITENESS TO ALL. The enjoyment of the family meal is greatly enhanced when each member is polite and attentive to the others; when parents and children alike are cheerful, agreeable and look after each other's com- fort. CHILDREN ALLOWED TO TALK AT TABLE. The children in a household should be encouraged to talk, but not permitted to show off, and say smart things. There is a great temptation on the part of fond parents to tell the bright sayings and doings of their offspring to strangers, in their presence; this should never be indulged in, as it not alone makes the little one have an undue idea of its own impor- tance, but it becomes annoying to strangers, who, although they may be very partial to a bright child, do not want to hear its praises sounded continually. MANNERS OF THE LITTLE ONES. Children should wait quietly, until their elders are served. This will be difficult for them no doubt, for nearly all children are gifted with healthy appetites, but if the habit of waiting is enforced, it will become easy to them. 174 TABLE MANNERS. ASKING POLITELY. Require them in asking for an article out of their reach to preface the request with, "Please pass me the salt," and also to call the one whom they address by his name, as "Mr. Willis, will you please pass the salt?" When they are invited to have more of an article, which they do not desire, they should an- swer politely, "I do not wish any more, thank you." The youngest child can be taught these simple rules. Precept and the example of their elders will work wonders. It is related of a lady who asked a physi- cian when she should begin to instruct her three- year-old child in manners and morals, that he an- swered "Madam, you have lost two years already\" LOUD TALKING PROHIBITED. Loud talking on their part should be prohibited, as also interrupting conversation. They should not whisper, however, or glance around the table and giggle. Neither should an older child reprove the wee ones aloud for any breach of good manners, or direct the attention of the mother to it in the presence of others. A look, or low-spoken word will remind the offending one and save it mortification. WHEN CHILDREN LEAVE THE TABLE. If children are compelled to leave the table before TABLE MANNERS. 175 the rest of the family, so as to reach school, they should rise quietly, ask to be excused and leave the apartment so as not to disturb anyone. DO NOT LET THEM EAT GREEDILY. They should not eat greedily, cramming their mouths full, nor smack their lips, tilt their chairs back, or drop their knives carelessly on the table-cloth. The knife and fork should be laid across the plate, with the handles to the right, when the meal is fin- ished. GROWN PEOPLE AT FAULT. While children's manners are thus alluded to, we regret to say that they are not the sole violators ol good-breeding. To any one who observes much, it is astonishing that so many well-dressed people, who seem to know so much, are so shockingly rude at the table. Such people are sometimes guilty of acts which are revolting. The well-bred will always regard the prejudices of those around them, and try not to offend in any manner. BEGGING COMPLIMENTS. Don't solicit compliments for your food, by laying stress upon the care with which it is prepared. If it is good, the guest will not be slow in compliment- ing you, although this should be done without ap- 176 TABLE MANNERS. preaching to flattery. It would be a great shock to one's self-love if some blunt, ill-bred guest should agree with you when you declared that such and such a dish was scarcely worth eating. You were sorry that you had no better to offer. Say nothing about the food you set before your guests; but by its abundance and the welcome you give him, will he measure its value. REFUSING AN ARTICLE OF FOOD. If a guest does not care for a certain article on the table, or for some reason does not wish to partake of it, he should not refuse it by stating that "Cheese don't agree with me," or "I can't endure tomatoes," but simply say "I do not care for any, thank you." We well remember the horror and disgust with which an apparently well-bred lady filled her listeners at the table by declining a certain dish with the asser- tion that "It took too long to digest, and her doctor had forbidden it." RUDENESS AT TABLE. There are many little rudenesses which can be avoided at the table, and which a little thought would instinctively pronounce offensive. Among these are coughing or breathing into your neighbor's face. Fidgeting in your seat, or moving about restlessly; drumming upon the table with your fingers; whisper-. TABLE MANNERS. Yll ing confidentially with your neighbor; emphasizing your remarks by flourishing your fork, to the risk of your neighbor's eyes; leaning the elbows upon the table; standing up and reaching across the table in place of requesting that what you want be passed you. All these acts of ill-breeding or thoughtlessness we have seen perpetrated by those who should know better. MANNERS AT TABLE. Sit upright at the table without bending over or low- ering your head to partake of your food. Do not sit either too far away or too near the table. Don't sit with one arm lying on the table, your back half turned to your left-hand neighbor, while you eat with a voracity that is only equaled by those who are much at railroad eating-houses, where "ten minutes for lunch" is the rule. When oysters are served for the first course, it is proper to commence eating at once. If you do not like soup, allow it to remain un- touched until the servant removes it. , Keep your mouth closed as much as possible while you are masticating your food. THINGS TO AVOID. Do not eat onions or garlic before going into com- 178 TABLE MANNERS. pany. They may be very healthy, but they are also very offensive. Do not talk loudly or boisterously, but be cheerful and companionable, not monopolizing the conversa- tion, but joining in it. Never butter a slice of bread and bite into it like a hungry school-boy, and do not cut the slice into halves or quarters with your knife, but break off a piece, when wanted, and then butter and eat it. Do not break the bread into your soup. As in serving the courses, each plate, with a knife and fork upon it, is set before you, remove the knife and fork instantly, and lay them beside the plate. To neglect this will force the servants to remove them, and delay the progress of the dinner. Do not twirl a goblet, or rattle the knife and fork, or show anything which will look like impatience or eagerness to commence the meal. Bones and fragments should be deposited on the edge of your plate, so as not to soil the table-cloth. If you by accident spill coffee or tea, do not apologize. It is understood that you did not do it intentionally. The servant should at once spread a clean napkin over the stain. Never turn tea or coffee into your saucer to cool it. If you wish a second cup, place the spoon in the saucer before passing it to be refilled. Do not stand a TABLE MANNERS. 179 dripping cup on the table-cloth. Never blow soup to make it cool. It is very rude to pick your teeth at the table after a meal is completed. Napkins are to wipe the mouth with, not to mop the forehead or nose. Never put your own knife, fork or spoon into a dish from which others are to be helped. DRESS FOR THE OCCASION. The table being a meeting place where everything should be nice and conducive to good manners, a gen- tleman will never appear at it in his shirt sleeves. If it is excessively warm weather, and he wishes to enjoy the freedom of his own home table, he can don a light coat of seersucker, farmer's satin, or similar material; but in public he will always retain the coat which he wears through the day, save of course, on dress occasions, of which we have spoken else- where. A lady should observe the same care in her dress. Untidy hair and dirty nails are especially repellant. SERVING AT TABLE. The one who serves at table, should not help too abundantly, or flood food with gravies. Many do not like them; and it is better to allow each guest to 180 TABLE MANNERS. help himself. Water is poured at the right of a guest everything else is passed from the left. Do not watch the dishes as they are uncovered. Or talk with the mouth full. If you discover something objectionable in the food do not attract the attention of others to it, but quietly deposit it under the edge of your plate. DO NOT SOP GRAVY, ETC. Never sop up your gravy or preserves with bread. And do not scrape your plate so as to obtain the last bit, or drink as though you were dying of thirst. It is quite an art to drink gracefully. Don't throw your head back and raise the glass perpendicularly, but carry the glass to your lips, and by lifting it to a slight angle, you easily drain its contents. Be careful not to stretch your feet across the room, under the table. It .is very disagreeable to be kicked, even accidentally. In leaving the table, if business or an engagement compels you to, excuse yourself. It is only in hotels or boarding-houses that this is permitted to pass un- noticed. It is rude to handle the bread or cake which is offered you. Only touch the piece which you intend to eat. TABLE MANNERS, 181 EAT WHAT YOU WISH AT THE TABLE. Never carry fruit or confectionery away from the table. Eat what you wish while there. "There is difference of opinion as to who should be first served at table, many insisting that the old fash- ion of serving the hostess first should be continued; but as this originated in the days when people were in the habit of poisoning guests by the wholesale, as a convenient way of ridding themselves and the world of them, there seems to be no reason why it should be observed now. Then guests preferred that the host- ess should show her confidence in the viands set before them, before partaking themselves; but the natural instincts of propriety seem to indicate that the most honored guest, that is, the lady at the right of the host, should be first served." WHOM A GENTLEMAN SHOULD SERVE. A gentleman seated by a lady or an elderly person passes the water or whatever may be required by his neighbor at the table. DO NOT READ AT TABLE. Never bring a book or paper to the table to read. It is allowable at a hotel or restaurant, where you are not anxious to form promiscuous acquaintances, 182 TABLE MANNERS. but among friends, the gaps should be filled in by cheerful and enlivening conversation. Remove fish bones before eating, but should one get into the mouth, remove it by placing the napkin before the mouth. Everything that it is possible to cut or break with a fork should be eaten without a knife. OBJECTING TO WINE. Should you have scruples about taking wine at the dinner table, it is not necessary to enter into an explanation of them, and thus bring around your unfortunate head a veritable "hornet's nest" of ridi- cule and argument from unthinking people. Merely decline it, in a quiet and respectful manner. Those whose opinion is worth having, will see nothing sin gular in the fact that you do not use wine. Eat slowly, as a measure of health, as well as man- ners. MAKE YOUR PLATE PALATABLE-LOOKING. Do not mix your food on your plate with the knife. It looks as though you set no score by the nice care with which the various articles had been prepared. It were all the same to you, whether it were fish or fowl it was only made to be devoured, not eaten. PARING FRUIT. Never pare fruit for a lady, unless asked to do so, TABLE MANNERS. 183 and then hold it upon the fork which belongs to her. Apples should be pared with silver fruit knives, and quartered and each slice carried to the mouth on the point ot the knife. Still, there are many well-bred people who only enjoy apples when they can eat them as they did in their childhood's days, without the aid of a knife or fork. A FEW WORDS ON DINNERS. We close this chapter with the words of one who has written much upon dinners and the manners cur- rent at them. It is well understood that the forms we have given are those observed in larger cities, but they are intended also for smaller circles and towns. The same rules of etiquette prevail everywhere. Common sense will teach what modifications are to be made in some of these customs, so as to best adapt them to the needs of a smaller community. The truth is, that no one should suppose that ina- bility to give elaborate dinners releases him or her from "the obligations of hospitality. Each owes it to society and to himself, for the cultivation of his bet- ter nature, to give as many and as good entertain- ments as is possible, circumstances, and a proper reg- ulation of expenses to income being considered. It is a duty incumbent on each to bear a due share of social burdens; indeed, when given in the true spirit 184 TABLE MANNERS. of hospitality and not simply as an irksome payment of a social debt, an entertainment is a pleasure, and not a burden. Too many people do not give parties or dinners, because they cannot afford to give such stylish ones as their neighbors afford, as if good fel- lowship was a matter of numberless courses or costly viands. There is a wise saying that 'a dinner of herbs where love is, is better than a stalled ox and hatred therewith;' and the simplest dinner, served in friendship, has in it more that softens and refines, than the most stately banquet, with its satiety and dull formalities, if unseasoned by the subtle spirit of friendly interest and feeling. Grand dinners are not always selfish and inhospitable affairs, nor are all simple dinners, given by plain people, served in the true spirit of kindly hospitality. Not all the hearty friendship of the world is monopolized by the poor; the rich and cultured, as well as plainer people, some- times have warm places in hearts, and give warm wel- comes to their friends. There are those, too, in the humbler walks of life, whom the struggle with the world has not taught charity; but there is no more reason why the rich should claim and monopolize all the refinements of the table, than that, as Wesley put it, 'the devil should have all the best tunes.' Rich or poor, it is possible for all to cultivate kindly feel- ings, and to offer such hospitality as is within their means and fitting in their station." CHAPTER XV. GENTLEMEN'S CALLS. "INHERE are certain fixed rules laid down by society, which apply to a gentleman in a small place with the same force as in a large city. Cowper says: "Man in society is like a flower Blown in its native bed. 'Tis there alone His faculties expanded in full bloom Shine out there only reach their proper use." AN AID TO A GENTLEMAN. Not every man can tell whether he is at fault on small points of etiquette, and therefore such will be grateful to those who settle these matters for them. A gentleman feels diffident in regard to the code of calling, lest he trespass upon some established rule which he should have known, and which will be a guide for his conduct. CALLING ON A LADY. A gentleman cannot consider himself privileged to call upon a lady upon the strength of an introduction 185 186 GENTLEMEN'S CALLS. alone. He may desire very much to do so, but waits to be invited. If the invitation does not come, and he is anxious to prosecute the acquaintance, he may leave his card at her residence. If he is acceptable, the young lady's mother will send him an invitation to visit the family, or ask his presence at some enter- tainment to be given at their home. After that, it is plain sailing, and the gentleman can feel that he has a right to call occasionally. If his card receives no acknowledgment, he may conclude that for some reasons best known to them- selves, they do not wish to extend their acquaintance. And in this case, he must wait when next they meet in public, for a recognition at their hands, as would any stranger. DO NOT ACCEPT CARELESS INVITATIONS. If a lady carelessly invites a gentleman to call, without specifying the particular tinfe, he may deem it no invitation at all, as she is more than likely to be out or engaged, should he avail himself of such an off-hand permission. But if she states the time when he may call he should be prompt in keeping his engagement. If anything prevents his coming he should dispatch a messenger with a note explaining his absence. Carelessness of this sort has checked many a friendship. GENTLEMEN'S GENTLEMEN'S CALLS. 187 THE FIRST CALL. On making a first call he must have a card for each lady of the houshold. When there are several sis- ters in a family, and the mother is living, two cards will answer one for the mother, and one for the daughters. The cards which a gentleman uses often are indi- ;ations of his character. They are to be as simple AS possible. The following will serve as a model, and is to be either written or engraved preferably the latter, as all gentlemen do not write a legible hand: MR. ALLEN HAGUE, 634 Belmont Avenue. The prefix "Mr." should not be used, if the card is written by its owner, but in an engraved one, it is adopted. The card must be of the finest texture, and lusterless. HOUR FOR CALLING. A gentleman whose time is his own can call be- tween 2 and 5 P. M. But as business engrosses nearly all our gentlemen, from 8 to half-past 8 in the even- ing is the proper time to make a social call. If he calls before that hour he may interfere with some previous engagement she may have, and will surely displease his hostess by his eagerness. 188 GENTLEMEN'S CALLS. A FORMAL CALL. In formal calls a gentleman asks to see all the ladies of the family. If he calls upon a young lady who is visiting people whom he has never met, he should send in a card for the hostess at the same time that he sends in one for the young lady. The lady of the house should enter the room before his departure, to give him the assurance that any friend of her guest is welcome, to her house. ASK FOR SOME MEMBER OF THE FAMILY. A gentleman should in all cases inquire for the mother or chaperon of any young lady whom he calls on, and if she appears he should address his conversa- tion to her principally. But if she makes a practice of entering the parlor and remains there during his entire call, no matter how often he comes, he should conceal his annoyance under a well-bred manner. But the wisest way would be to take the hint thus afforded, and act upon it. CUSTOM ABROAD. In Europe the constant presence of an elder lady during a gentleman's visits would be deemed only a necessary observance of etiquette, but the customs of our land are totally different. GENTLEMEN'S CALLS. 189 All invitations sent to a gentleman of any sort are promptly accepted or declined. CALLING ONCE A YEAR. A gentleman never should neglect to make a yearly call, when friends have returned from a summer vaca- tion. If he does not attend to this duty, he need not feel hurt if he is left out of the invitations for the entertainments of his lady friends the coming season. A gentleman can make an informal call on intimate friends at any hour which does not encroach upon their convenience. Don't go so often, however, that they enjoy your absence. NEW YEAR'S CALLS. These calls are observed with varying degrees of ardor. One year they are general, the next we hear that they are not observed. But when they are not made the pretext for forcing oneself upon people who are almost strangers, it seems a most delightful custom. There is necessarily, more latitude permitted in calling on that day, but still it is a good old cus- tom. CALL ONLY WHERE WELCOME. The gentleman who calls on the first day of the New Year confines his calls to those houses where he is sure of a welcome, and to those ladies who are 190 GENTLEMEN'S CALLS. acquaintances of the ladies of his own family. He may also venture to accept an invitation given him by another gentleman. MAKE YOUR CALL BRIEF. A call on this day should be limited to ten or fifteen minutes, for the hostess presumably has an extensive list of friends to entertain, and cannot devote much time to any particular ones. If she does not recognize a stranger who is intro- duced to her at such a time, when meeting him again, he must not feel aggrieved. GENTLEMEN'S TOILET. The dress of a gentleman making New Year's calls should be a morning costume of dark coat, vest and tie, and dark or light pants. Dress suits are for even- ing calls. His gloves should be of a sober tint. DECLINING OFFERED REFRESHMENTS. He has a right to decline refreshments. He should never accept wine or spirituous liquors, however hos- pitably they may be pressed upon him. He cannot afford to risk his reputation as a gentleman by using liquors promiscuously at every house at which he calls, knowing that the result would be intoxication. GENTLEMEN'S C4LLS. 191 TAKING A FRIEND WITH HIM. A gentleman should never take the liberty to invite another gentleman to call on a lady (save on New Year's Day) without first asking her permission. In making a ceremonious call, the hat and cane are retained in the hand, but an umbrella is left in the hall. If you chance to call when a lady is just going out, make your stay brief, and say that you will call on another time. CARRYING CARD-CASES. Card cases are used only by ladies. Gentlemen carry their cards loose in their pockets, or in those leather memorandum books now so popular. EVENING CALLS. I An evening call should not be too long. Three hours can scarcely be dubbed a call it is rather more of a Visit. Two hours is sufficient; and an hour will answer in most cases, and will be more likely to leave an agreeable impression behind them. LEAVE-TAKING. A long-drawn-out leave-taking is tiresome and im- polite to the hostess, as she must stand after he has risen to go, until he has left the room. If there ar* 192 GENTLEMEN'S CALLS. several ladies in the room, he should bow most deci- dedly to the lady of the house, and make a less formal inclination to the other members of the party. DO NOT CALL AT LUNCH HOUR. A gentleman should carefully avoid calling during the lunch or dinner hour, even upon friends, without he has been told to call at those hours, on any day. It is often said, "We dine (or lunch) at such an hour come and see us and you will find us at home." If you call at that hour, and find a lady at lunch, send in word that you will wait till she is through with the meal. If she comes out and invites you to the table, either go in or take your leave at once. But don't keep her away from lunch by remaining to pay a visit, and compel her to go without her meal. It is often done from want of thought. LOOKING AT THE WATCH. A gentleman should not look at his watch, while making a call, unless he has to catch a train, or has another engagement. In that event, he should apolo- gize. Gentlemen may call on married ladies with the knowledge of their husbands. GENTLEMEN CALLING. When calling on another gentleman at a hotel send GENTLEMEN'S CALLS. 19* up your card, and wait for an invitation to the room. Announce yourself by a rap on the door, and do not burst in upon your friend without warning. The most intimate friendship does not warrant this free- dom. If it is a lady on whom you call, send up your card, and wait her appearance in the reception room. In calling you should not wait for an invitation to be seated, but take the most convenient seat within range of the ladies on whom you call. CALLING ON THE SICK. In calling upon a sick friend, send in your card, and wait until you hear how the invalid is. In leaving a ca*rd when you call, turn down one cor- ner of the visiting card, to signify that you called in person. ENGAGED. If you are met at the door of a friend's house with the statement that they are "engaged," or "not at home," which too often means the same thing, do not urge to be admitted, even though the family were among your dearest friends. You have no right to an exception in your favor, if they do not care to receive you on that day. DOGS SHOULD BE LEFT AT HOME. Do not take your pet dog with you when making a 194 GENTLEMEN'S C4LLS. call. It is not to be expected that your hostess would extend her hospitality to dumb animals which perhaps she does not like. Dogs have no place in a parlor. If ladies accompany a gentleman when he is call- ing, they should precede him both on entering and leaving the room. Do not suggest to a lady that the room is chilly or draw too close to the fire when making a call, unless it is a very cold day, and she invites you to do so. DO NOT QUESTION CHILDREN OR SERVANTS. If you are left alone for a moment, and a child or servant comes into the room, do not presume upon good-breeding to ask them any questions about the family. A man who would do this should be debarred from the hospitality of any home. LEAVE THE CARD-BASKET UNTOUCHED. Do not examine the cards in the card-basket. You have no right to investigate as to who calls on a lady. It is usual to wear the morning dress in calling a dark suit, with gloves of a dark shade. Light-colored suits are permissible in warm weather. Overshoes, if at all soiled must be removed in the hall. Be cool and self-possessed. Listen rather more than talk. There is a happy medium between talk- ing too much and talking too little, and the man who finds it is a fortunate being. GENTLEMEN'S C4LLS. 195 A FIFTEEN-MINUTE CALL. A formal call should not exceed fifteen minutes, and when that time has expired, rise and depart gracefully. If on making a call where all are strangers, at once announce your name, and upon whom you have called. If you call on a lady and find her absent, and she expresses her regret at the occurrence when next you meet, reciprocate her regret, and do not carelessly remark that it made no difference. THROW AWAY YOUR CIGAR. If you have been smoking on your way to make a call, throw away your cigar before you ring the bell. It is not very polite, however, to call on a lady with your clothes permeated with tobacco smoke. A married gentleman should always speak of his wife as ''Mrs." never as "my wife." GENTLEMEN RECEIVING CALLS ON NEW YEAR'S DAY. On the first New Year's day after his marriage a gentleman receives calls at his own home, in company with his wife. He does not make any calls on that day. Clergymen do not make calls upon New Year's Day, but receive friends at their own residence. 190 GENTLEMEN'S C4LLS. CALLING ON BUSINESS MEN. In calling on a business man, remember that to him time is valuable, and do not take up any more of it than is absolutely necessary. The same rule should be observed in calling upon ladies who are engaged in business. Use as little of their time as possible. CALLS OF CONDOLENCE. A call of condolence should be made within ten days, if you are on an intimate footing with the bereaved ones. If you are not, at least a month should elapse. When you are admitted, do not allude to the sad event, unless those you call on, seem anx- ious that you should. A silent pressure of the hand, a tender and delicate deference of manner will speak far more effectively than words which are too apt to tear open the wound. It is in good taste to send a few flowers, or a book, or a simple message, to the aching hearts, such as "I send you deepest sympathy," "My love, dear friend," or "God be with you." These will reach down deep into the hearts of the mourning friends and bring them a grateful consciousness that you remember them in their affliction. A CONGRATULATORY CALL. When a friend has distinguished herself by some special act, or has written some especially fine article, GENTLEMEN'S CALLS. 107 or has been called to some position of trust, it is only a pleasant duty to call on her and delicately offer your congratulations. We all like to be appreciated, and when we have done anything worthily, it is not pleas- ant to have our effort ignored. Should several guests arrive during a gentleman's call, it is a nice time to avail himself of the oppor- tunity and pay his respects to his hostess and leave. He can do this less awkwardly than if he waits until they also, depart. A NEWLY MARRIED MAN'S LIST OF FRIENDS. When a wedding has been limited to a few rela- tives, or has been strictly private, the bridegroom should send his card to those of his gentlemen friends whom he wishes to introduce to his new home. The recipients of such cards should call upon the bride within two weeks. "After one has been invited to a dinner party, one must call within a week after the occasion, call in person, and ask if the hostess is at home. A dinner party is one of the most solemn obligations of society; if you accept an invitation to one, only death or mor- tal illness is a legitimate excuse for not attending it, and you must have nearly as good a reason for not calling promptly after it." The gentleman who moves in society will readily 198 GENTLEMEN'S CALLS. see the fitness of these simple rules and profit by the hints they convey. Calling is the surest way to main- tain agreeable acquaintances, and foster those friend- ships which brighten life. CHAPTER XVI. LADIES' CALLS. @ vALLING is so intimately interwoven in society's laws, that not to know when to call, how to call and on whom to call, would be an unpardonable breach of etiquette. Society exacts of woman minute attention to little formalities which would be excused in a man in this land, where the sterner sex are almost to a unit immersed in business or politics. Formal calls in the city are intended to serve in lieu of the more genial and lengthy visits which are a part of country life; and are designed to cement the acquaintance with all whom you admit to your circle. MORNING CALLS. These do not mean, as the title would imply, calls made in the forenoon, but embrace the hours from I to 5 p. M. They are generally of fifteen or twenty minutes' duration. Should another lady call, make your own stay even more brief than this. Conversa- tion should be had on agreeable topics. Inquire first after all the inmates of the home, then passing on 199 200 LADIES' CALLS. to the daily subjects, the last new book, or latest fashion in dress. SUBJECTS FOR CONVERSATION. Never canvass an absent acquaintance, or repeat anything which has happened in another house where you have been received as a gue&t. ON LEAVING. When you are ready to go, say so, and rise at once and take leave of your hostess, who may accompany you to the door. If there is a servant, the hostess will most likely ring for her to show you to the door, meanwhile keeping you engaged in conversation until the very moment of your departure. WHAT NOT TO DO. Do not declare, the moment you enter, that you cannot stay an instant. You came to make a call. Let it be agreeable and free from fussiness, and do not make your leave-taking a prolonged one. We have seen many people who were going at once, and yet who would compel their hostess to stand for sev- eral minutes, while they lengthened their parting into quite a visit, and wore the patience and good -breed- ing of their entertainer almost threadbare. LADIES' CALLS. LADIES 1 CALLS. 201 KEEPING A MEMORANDUM. When your list of acquaintances is an extensive one, it is a wise plan to keep a regular visiting book. Any little blank book can be made of use, by ruling off spaces for the names of your friends, calls made and to be made, also leaving room for future engage- ments. EVENING CALLS. Calls in the evening are made from 8 to 9, and should be of an hour's duration. The hostess rises on the entrance of her visitors, and offers them her hand, leading them to a seat. She must have tact and geniality, so as to draw out the best ideas from her visitors. Most women possess this quality, and therein lies their charm. REMAINING AT WORK. If you are engaged upon any piece of work when callers come, lay it aside. But when an informal friend or one of long standing enters, sewing, crochet- ing or fancy work, may be continued, if it does not interfere with friendly conversation, NOT AT HOME. That polite fib "Not at home" should be shut out of good society. It is far more honest to send word that one is engaged. A lady need not deny herself 202 LADIES 1 CALLS. to any one, if she will have regular days for receiving. The dress should be very handsome on these days; and the lady who calls should be equally richly attired. Delay in proceeding to the parlor is rude, unless engaged in some important occupation which cannot be laid aside. If that is the case, send word that you will be at leisure in a few moments and make your appearance promptly at the time specified. KEEPING ON ONE'S WRAPS. The outer wraps are retained while making calls, the brief time allowed for remaining making it unnec- essary. If a lady is fearful of taking cold by keeping her wraps on, she may ask permission to remove them, and they can be laid on any convenient chair. CONDUCT WHILE WAITING. While waiting in the parlor for the lady on whom you call, to appear, the piano must remain untouched, as also the bric-a-brac. Sit quietly in the place the servant has assigned you, and rise when the hostess enters. CALLING FIRST. In the country and at watering-places those who Vfere there first call upon the later comers. In England the lady highest in rank, calls first. Here LADIES' CALLS. 203 the older lady has the precedence, and she can make the first advances by inviting the younger one to call, or sending her an invitation to some entertainment. CONGRATULATORY CALLS. Calls of congratulation upon a young lady after her engagement is announced. All those who have re- ceived cards should call upon the parents of the bride as well as upon the young couple themselves. A call made upon a happy mother should not be made within a month after the advent of the little one. CALLS OF CONDOLENCE. Calls of this nature are made usually within ten days after a death has occurred, if you are on terms of intimacy with the family, but not for two weeks under other circumstances. But no allusion should be made directly to the sorrow which has come to them. Your silence is the most delicate sympathy you can manifest. INVITING ANOTHER LADY. A lady can take the liberty to invite another lady to accompany her in calling. A gentleman never should do so, without first asking permission of those whom he intends calling on. 204 LADIES' CALLS. CALLING ON STRANGERS. l When a stranger comes into a town, the residents should call on her. In a city, the immediate neigh- bors should pay her the compliment of calling, although we regret to say that many ladies neglect this act of hospitality under the pretext that they don't know anything about their standing. This is a flimsy excuse. They should call first, and if the parties are not desirable as acquaintances, it is a very easy matter to drop them. CALLING ON THE SICK. When calling on the sick do not ask to be admitted to the sick room. Your card can be sent to the inva- lid, whose quiet will not thus be intruded upon. If it is proper for you to enter the chamber of the sick person, you will receive an invitation to do so from the friends. CALLING CARDS. The style of calling cards changes so frequently that a set form cannot be laid down. But the English and German text and the fancifully ornamented cards so much affected at one time have yielded the field to a more elegant and chaste fashion which seems to suit the growing taste so well that there is little danger of any very striking changes being made in that LADIES' C4LLS. 205 direction, at least for a long time to come. A card is but a bit of pasteboard, and would seem to be of no consequence, and yet it is a silent messenger which vouches for the cultivation and familiarity with good usages, of its owner. QUALITY OF CARD. The first desideratum in a card is fineness of text- ure; then size and shape. The lettering must also be selected with care. There should be no glazing upon the card, and the engraving should be done in the finest script. Some ladies write their own cards, but this requires a fine penman. GENTLEMEN'S CARDS. The card carried by gentlemen should be rather small. A fac-simile of their autograph is often printed, but this smacks a little of vanity. This is the proper size for a gentleman's card: MR. WILLIAM BARBER, 26 Gross Terrace. If he has a title it should be placed before his 306 LADIES' CALLS, name. It is said that the Hon. Daniel Webster and also Henry Clay both preferred their names printed upon their cards thus "Mr. Webster;" "Mr. Clay." WIDOW'S CARDS. A widow should not use the initials of her husband upon her cards. She should use the following form: "Mrs. Lizzie Stevens." But during her husband's lifetime her card should read: "Mrs. Edward Stevens," The object being to prevent confusion should there be other sons in the same family who were married. Husbands and wives no longer use the same cards, but each has a separate visiting card. PREFIXES. It is an undeviating rule that young ladies prefix the "Miss" to their names upon their cards, and never use nicknames. The same rule applies to a married lady, who should never omit the prefix "Mrs." MOTHER AND DAUGHTER'S CARD. When a mother has a daughter who is just entering society, the card made use of is worded thus: LADIES' CALLS. 207 MRS. JOHN DAY HOWARD. Miss LUCY HOWARD. A young lady can have a card of her own after hav- ing been in society a year. RECEPTION CARDS. When a lady has certain days set apart on which she receives friends, her card should indicate it by the following form: Miss MABEL OSBORNE. Tuesdays lo 6. CHANGING RESIDENCE. When a lady removes her residence, she should leave a card with her new address, with those whose 208 LADIES' CALLS. turn it is to call upon her. But she can send these cards by mail to all upon whom she called last. p. P. c. CARDS. When leaving town for a protracted absence P. P. C.' cards are sent, but they are not sent when leaving for a short absence only as for a trip to the sea-shore, or to the country. The initials P. P. C., stand for the French words Pour prendre conge (meaning to take leave) and are always in the lower right hand cor- ner of the card, and in capitals. It is wrong to use the small letters, p. p. c. The initals P. D. A., (Pour dire adieu] mean the same, but they are not often used. These cards may be sent by mail. Many cards are sent by mail now. In England a card sent through the postoffice is considered equivalent to a visit. MOURNING CARDS. Those who are in mourning should have cards with a black border. Cards should be left for people who are in mourning, but only intimate friends should seek admittance. WHEN CARDS ARE SENT. A stranger arriving in a city sends cards to his friends that they may call upon him. Business cards should not be made use of in making a call. When LADIES' CALLS. 209 attending receptions cards should be left in the hall on entering, so as to help the hostess to remember who has called. In sending fruits, flowers, books, etc., the card of the sender should accompany them. On recovering from an illness, or when the period of mourning is ended, a card should be sent to each one who has called during these times. The following is a good form: MRS. JOSEPH RAND, With thanks for Miss Neat's kind inquiries. NEW YEAR S CALLS. The fashion of calling on New Year's Day fluctu- ates. One year it is announced that there will be very little calling done, the next year it seems as popular as ever. There is no doubt that the gener- ous hospitality of the glad season has been greatly abused by the boldness of young men who avail them- selves of the custom to intrude where they have no claim. And yet it is a beautiful custom, for this is the time when resentments are laid aside, friendships are renewed, and the pages of life are freshened: '4 210 LADIES' CALLS. "The practice of publishing in the newspapers lists of ladies who will receive calls on New Year's Day, has often been criticised, but in some localities it has the sanction of the best society. It has many com- mendable features, and is best left to the good taste of those most interested. When a lady receives with a friend, instead of at her own home, cards are sent to her friends, to notify them of the fact, and give them her address. Cards may also be sent out when she has changed her residence or returned from a pro- longed absence from home." CALLING HOURS. On this day the hours for calling are from 10 A. M. till ii P. M. But if a lady becomes too fatigued, she can instruct the servant to admit no more callers. "In the villages and small towns, where no special formalities are observed, but gentlemen call on their friends and tender their hearty good wishes for the opening year, the day is often enjoyed far more than in our busy centers of population, where more cere- mony becomes necessary." HINTS. We cannot close our chapter more pertinently than to quote from a well-known author things not to do when calling: LADIES' CALLS. 211 "Never make a long call if the lady is dressed ready to go out. "Never bring your waterproof or umbrella into the drawing-room when making a social call. "Never, if you are a lady, call on a gentleman save on business. "Never make an untidy or careless toilette when visiting a friend. "Never call at the luncheon or dinner hour." LENGTH OF CALL. For a formal call, about fifteen minutes is usually considered the proper length of time; one may pro- long it to half an hour occasionally, but only under "favorable circumstances, " since it is far better to take one's leave before people begin to wish that one would go. Emerson says: "'Tis a defect in our manners, that they have not reached the prescribing a limit to visits. That every well-dressed lady or gentleman should be at liberty to exceed ten minutes in his or her call on serious people shows a civilization still rude." CHAPTER XVII. APPEARANCE IN PUBLIC. WE are all dependent in a measure for our happi- ness upon the estimate which people place upon us. It is foolish and selfish to say we do not care what strangers think of us. A proper regard for the good opinions of others serves as a wholesome check upon us. Our friends who know us may overlook a trifling error committed against good breeding, but strangers are more exacting. Even a child instinctively feels who is the lady or the gentleman. The same rules of conduct in public places apply with equal force to both sexes. What is etiquette for a lady with reference to appearing in public is the same etiquette which should be ob- served by a gentleman. GOING TO CHURCH. Present yourself at church before the services com- mence, if possible. If you are late, walk quietly to your pew, and enter without creating any noise or forcing others who may already be there, to move. 212 SUMMER PLEASURES. APPEARANCE IN PUBLIC 213 If it is occupied it is unnecessary for the gen- tlemen to file out into the aisle, that a lady may enter. Indeed, it is painfully embarrassing for her to thus fee made an object of attention. They should rather rise noiselessly and allow her to enter in the same way. It is customary where seats are rented, to notify the sexton whether he can take the liberty of putting strangers into your pew. But if they have already taken possession, to your discomfort, show no resentful feelings, but take your seat as usual, or if there is not room, retire to the nearest pew which offers a seat. ATTENTION TO STRANGERS. Always offer the prayer-book or hymnal to a stran- ger, open at the proper place. It is polite to pass a fan, or push a footstool to any occupant of the pew. Do not stare at the congregation. We have seen persons deliberately turn their backs upon the clergy- man, when rising for singing or prayer, and indulge in a prolonged stare. These are the same sort of people who giggle in church, turn over hymn-books and write on the blank pages, whisper to their com- panions, smile knowingly when the minister does not suit them, and declare aloud when leaving the church, that "that minister was the biggest fool who ever lived." 214 APPEARANCE IN PUBLIC. CONFORMING TO CUSTOMS. It is proper to conform with the customs or forms in use in a strange church, whether you are in con- sonance with them or not. When the congregation rises, rise with them; kneel when they do, and in all ways, observe an outward respect for their usages. ATTENDING A LADY. A gentleman precedes a lady in walking down the aisle, but when he reaches the pew, he should step a little aside and allow her to enter first. FANNING. Do not use a fan so vigorously that your neighbors in the pew are chilled. Do not rustle the fan so that you can be heard in all parts of the church. Fanning is very obnoxious to a delicate person, who cannot endure draughts. KEEP BABIES AT HOME. Keep babies who are liable to cry, and small children who cannot be made to sit still, at home. We are aware that there are infants who are remarkably quiet in public. But no one has a right to do anything to annoy those who attend to worship, by diverting their thoughts from their purpose. APPEARANCE IN PUBLIC. 215 VISITING ART GALLERIES. When visiting an art gallery or a picture store, do not criticise the works of art in a loud, egotistical tone. Indeed, no matter how well versed you may be in such works, it is neither wise nor modest to draw attention to that fact, by displaying that knowledge before strangers, who will mentally accuse you of pedantry. Whatever you may find to say about the pictures to your companions, do so in a low voice, ad- dressing yourself to them only. Do not touch the pictures. You can point out their beauties or defects, without placing your hand upon them. So careless are some people in this particular, that it is against the rule in most art galleries, for visitors to carry um- brellas or canes into them. VISITING A STUDIO. If an artist kindly asks you to his studio, it is not in good taste to'cverwhelm him with fulsome praise. You can express your appreciation of his work in sim- ple language. Do not make your visit too long. Time is precious to him, as certain lights are essen- tial to painting, and you may be using up the very moments which are the most valuable. Do not in- quire his price for a painting, unless you intend pur- chasing. It is impolite to touch any object in his studio, as a bit of drapery, a picture, or anything 2N5 APPEARANCE IN PUBLIC else which he may have spent some time in arranging. Do not watch an artist at his work. It makes some people very nervous to be observed. Go quietly about inspecting his pictures, and do not annoy him in any way. Do not take a small child into such a place. It might not be agreeable to the painter, who would dread lest some of his cherished work would come to grief. And if you own a dog who is the most "won- derful" dog that ever lived, leave him at home also when paying visits. AT THE HOTEL. In a hotel parlor, a lady must be very circumspect in her conduct. You do not know whom you may meet, and a proper reserve is necessary. Should you require any information, ring for the clerk or some employe, whose duty it is to answer any questions which any of the guests may put to him. A lady should not sit down to the piano in a hotel parlor, and sing or play unsolicited. Unless you are a very fine performer you will attract attention that may lead to unfavorable comments. If a lady or gen- tleman can afford the other guests pleasure by their performance, and they are requested to favor them with music, it is a compliment to those present to do se. APPEARANCE IN PUBLIC. 217 CALLERS IN THE HOTEL PARLOR. When gentlemen call on ladies who are obliged to receive them in the public reception room, they should rise upon their entrance, as they would in a private house. Loud laughter and boisterous conversation are as much out of place here as they would be in the privacy of the home. The stay should be brief made on a lady in so public a place. AT FAIRS. Church and society fairs are places where it is very easy to trench on good manners. There is so large a crowd, and the privileges are so many, that gentle- men often thoughtlessly trespass in this respect. The hat should be removed on entering. He must not ridicule the articles offered for sale, or comment upon their price. They are there for sale, and it is always expected that the goods will be somewhat dearer here than in a regular store; but then it is for "sweet charity's sake," and gentlemen must submit gracefully. But the lady who has a table should not presume too far upon good nature, by coaxing and begging purchasers; nor should she ask an unreasonable sum for her wares. A practice quite common with ladies at bazars is that of keeping the change if there is any. This is very indelicate, and should be discontinued. 218 APPEARANCE IN PUBLIC SWEARING. It seems almost out of place to allude to a habit so entirely at variance with all rules of behavior. And yet we regret to say that there are men who would not breathe an unpleasant word in a lady's hearing, who will swear roundly in each other's company. Begin right, boys, and you will never swear when you are men. It is offensive to any person of refine- ment, and an insult to your Maker. No gentleman ever swears. If men could see the shiver of disgust which passes over a lady when they roll out an oath on the street with such gusto, they would pause ere they repeated it. A well-known minister calls swearing a cancer which breaks out on the tongue, showing it is in the system from head to foot. HATS ON OR OFF. Garden parties, coaching and yachting excursions, or corridors where the draught is strong, allow a gen- tleman to keep on his hat, without violating good- breeding. In the foyer of a theater they may also be resumed, as well as when he is waiting upon a lady to her carriage. A very old gentleman may even be excused if he does not raise his hat in bowing to a lady; but he can substitute a sort of half-military salute by gracefully touching the hat. Indeed, this APPEARANCE IN PUBLIC 219 was once the fashion for a salutation, but has fallen into disuse. DO NOT KEEP AN ESCORT WAITING. When going to the theater, lecture or church, be ready when your escort calls. After he has entered the parlor, and had a few minutes conversation with the members of the family, excuse yourself and don your outer wraps, returning without delay. Do not in your desire to be on time, meet him at the hall door. Allow him to enter and exchange greetings with the others. It was formerly the custom for a gentleman to call for a lady with a carriage; but in these days of street-cars and other easy modes of con- veyance, it is dispensed with, save when a young lady is going to the opera in full dress. WHAT TO WEAR. The opera demands handsome dressing. Some ladies attend in low-necked dresses, with an opera cloak or lace thrown about their necks. A young lady should wear flowers and a light dress and gloves to an evening entertainment. The usual opera dress is of some light-colored texture, flowers and jewelry, with tiny little opera bonnets of white or very deli- cate shades. Fashion, however, permits a nice evening street costume at the theater, brightened by natural flowers 220 APPEARANCE IN PUBLIC, or some bit of ornament. High hats are objection- able at any entertainment. They obstruct the view of those who are seated behind them, and destroy their enjoyment. BEHAVIOR AT THE THEATER. When you have reached the theater, there are many things to avoid doing. Chief among them is whis- pering audibly or laughing during the performance is in progress. It is insulting to the audience and to the performers, and deserves a severe reprimand. It is excessively vulgar to eat candy or nuts in so public a place. It will do for street arabs, but not for ladies and gentlemen. Do not put your feet upon the chair in front of you, or press your knees against its back. Or throw your overcoat over the back of the chair so that it touches the one sitting behind. There are places provided under all the seats for such articles, if they are only rolled compactly. GOING OUT DURING THE EVENING. A gentleman will not go out between the acts. It is a discourtesy which a lady should resent. Rattling of programmes, and moving uneasily in the seat annoy others. Each person who is present has paid his money to see and hear the entertainment, and APPEARANCE IN PUBLIC. 331 not to be disturbed by the thoughtlessness or rude- ness of others. Do not rush out before the play closes. We have sesn a large portion of an audience, as if moved by one common impulse, clatter out of an audience hall, and perhaps a most thrilling situation demanded the undivided attention of the audience to help them to understand the play. SMOKING IN THE PRESENCE OF LADIES. A gentleman may smoke only when it does not offend others never in the presence of ladies. We think the prospects for the future happiness of that young girl are small, who will be seen in public with a gentleman who is smoking. It shows his unwilling- ness to give up his selfish pleasure even for a time. In other words, the enjoyment he finds in smoking outweighs the enjoyment he takes in her company. DO NOT JOSTLE. In a crowd, there will always be some who will push and rush. But it is wrong to plant the elbows in the sides of one's fellow-beings, and push and jos- tle in every direction. Any gentleman can quietly and patiently work his way through a crowd, be it ever so dense, aided by a little politeness, and a brief apology for his haste. 322 APPEARANCE IN PUBLIC. THROWING FRUIT SKINS. Do not eat fruit on the promenade. Some men peel bananas, apples, and like fruit and toss the parings upon the sidewalk, where scores of people are pass- ing, thus endangering their limbs, and perhaps their lives, for no one can tell what a severe fall upon a hard sidewalk may lead to. ASHAMED OF FRIENDS. A lady or gentleman will never hesitate to recog- nize an acquaintance on the street, who chances to be poorly clad, or "countrified" looking. It is contempt- ible to see the hurried, shame-faced way in which some men and women will acknowledge the bow of one whom they fancy is below them in the social scale, or whose dress does not betoken wealth. KEEPING STEP. If a lady and gentleman are walking arm in arm, they should keep step. The gentleman must adapt his long stride to her shorter steps, else they have a curious appearance. THINGS TO OBJECT TO. A young lady should never permit a gentleman to place his arm across the back of her chair, or lean familiarly against her. He should never call her by APPEARANCE IN PUBLIC. 223 her first name in public, or jest loudly. No gentle- man ever links his arm in that of the lady with whom he is walking, or places it against her back. It is extremely vulgar. No one can afford to lay aside the manners of the lady or the gentleman. Although you may be in a crowd who are entirely unknown to you, do not show disrespect for them; your courtesy should not be an acquirement for occasional use but habitual a part of your daily life, as it were. CHAPTER XVIII. ANNIVERSARIES. THE chief aim of an anniversary is to bring back the scenes or events which to us were occasions of joy or some dear memory which thrills us with the vivid recollection of a time long past. There are many anniversaries which tender hearts commemorate: -the birth of a child; the hour which marked some crisis in their lives; the happy day when two lives flowed into one; and there are sad anniversaries when mem- ory yields up her rich treasures and we live over those mournful hours when a loved one said good-bye. These we do not celebrate outwardly they are kept in our hearts, where many sacred and precious recol- lections are embalmed forever. These festival days are enjoyed to the utmost. Days when jollity and good feeling reign, and care and distrust are banished from the circle. Their influence is beneficent. They serve to keep green those halcyon sports in life "when all the world was young," and they draw around a group of friends who help to remind one that e'en though the years 324 ANNIVERSARIES. 225 are fleeting by, they have widened the circle of kindly hearts, and that life has many pleasures yet for the genial and trusting nature. But the wedding anniversary is the one which meets with most favor, and is observed more univer- sally than any other. It is the event of all others which brought in its train most happiness, and which has never lost its beauty and romance to those who started out in life together, properly mated. Another benefit which the wedding anniversary be- stows is the social reunion of the friends and relatives of both and husband and wife. Many couples observe the annual return of the wed- ding-day in the quiet of their own homes, with their immediate family and a few select friends; or make an excursion, or have an "outing." Or the husband and wife exchange gifts, and enjoy the day together, by an extra festivity among the dear ones of the household. It is a beautiful thought on the part of the children to remember the recurrence of the day by a bouquet, or some simple piece of their own handi work. Social usage has decreed that the wedding anniver- saries shall be disticntively named, and publicly cele- brated. On these occasions, where the bride has re- tained the wedding-dress she wears it, and it is a very pretty conceit to conform in every respect to the fash- 226 ANNIVERSARIES. ion of the original wedding. It is seldom possible. but we heard of an anniversary of the twenty-fifth year of married life where the original brides-maids, groomsmen, and even the clergyman who wedded them was present, and took part in the festivities. But such opportunities for a genuine rehearsal oi the greatest event in life are exceedingly rare. The bride and groom stand and receive their guests, and refreshments are served as at the usual recep- tions held at weddings. The supper may be served by all being seated at a table, or can be passed round on salvers to each guest. If the former style is adopted the couple whose anniversary is being celebrated, occupy the position of honor, and the bride cuts the wedding- cake which is made for the occasion. If there is dancing, the bridal couple should have their position, and lead off in the first set. If the bride does not care to wear her original wedding- , dress she may assume a light colored one something pretty and stylish. If she has attained to twenty or more years of marriage, a cinnamon-brown or silver- gray is very becoming but never wear black at a wedding, either as a guest or principal. The actual wedding ceremony is sometimes repeated at some of these anniversaries. We think this is in questionable taste. Marriage is too solemn a rite to ANNIVERSARIES. 227 counterfeit. Good-breeding would decide against the repetition of the ceremony. There is one objection to these pleasant occasions which leads many to suffer them to fall into disuse; and that is the feeling which seems to obtain that it is obligatory upon friends who attend them to make presents. This is not necessary or expected; and especially is it discouraged in the older celebrations, such as the "silver" and "golden" and "diamond" weddings, where none but the closest friends and kindred should bestow gifts on the husband and wife. A few words on this subject from the pen of an- other will express our meaning: "There is a palpable reason why gifts ought not to be received from those who bring them as a compul- sory contribution because it is 'expected' of them. While a souvenir from a near relative or an old friend imposes no obligation on the recipient, because the motive of affection and esteem which prompted it makes the act a pleasure to the giver, the acceptance of a gift from one who is forced to confer it by a social custom, does impose an obligation to return it at the first opportunity, in value if not in kind, and no sen- sitive man or woman will fail to respond, when a sim- ilar card of invitation gives the opportunity to make all things even. Many a husband and wife, who looked over costly wedding-gifts with real pleasure, 228 have regretted them again and again, as days of reck- oning in the shape of wedding-days of friends came round, and demanded costly expenditures that could be ill afforded, to cancel the debts incurred. No thoughtful person will impose such an obligation on another, and no wise man will accept such a debt when it can be courteously avoided." At the same time, where inclination prompts the bestowing of gifts, it is perfectly proper to do so. Only they must be in keeping with the character of the anniversary. NO PRESENTS RECEIVED. The invitations to these anniversaries, when presents are not wished, often bears the legend, "No presents received." Others again, do not let the invitation express the nature of the gathering, but make it a sort of surprise by announcing after the guests are assembled, the fact that it is a wedding anniversary. THE PAPER WEDDING. The first celebration is known as the "paper" wed- ding, and is held at the end of one year of wedded life. Suitable gifts can be procured for this event, since there are so many beautiful things in paper, from dainty boxes of stationery, poetry, novels, fan, glove boxes, pictures, etchings, book-marks, etc., all of which may be accepted. 229 THE COTTON WEDDING. The invitations to this are printed on fine white mus- lin, or delicate figured calico. This marks the second anniversary. The presents to be made will readily suggest themselves. THE LEATHER WEDDING. This, the third anniversary, we hear very little about. Perhaps on account of the difficulty of select- ing presents. The leather sachels, trunks, paper fold- ers, desks, slipper cases, perpetual calendars, port- folios, music rolls, dining-chairs, etc., would seem tc afford a wide latitude in this material. THE WOODEN WEDDING. (FIFTH ANNIVERSARY) This is the signal for a general frolic. Anything may be sent from a wooden nutmeg and a saw horse to a sofa or piano. The invitations are sometimes sent on birch bark. Quaint little fancies in carved wood as brackets, wall-pockets, easels, footstools, piano stools, (their coverings being in plush velvet or satin worked in with floss or wool) are nice offerings; also powder or hairpin boxes, thimble cases, comb cases, of handsome painted or natural grained wood. The Japanese ware never is out of fashion. THE TIN WEDDING. This is a reminder that ten years of alternate sun- 230 shine and shade have rolled on. A happy time of merry-making is had. Fun reigns triumphant. Some issue invitations on tin, but they are clumsy, and a fine, strong paper is preferable. The presents on this occasion partake of the comical and useful, as they belong to the kitchen rather than the parlor. They may be made as ridiculous as can be. THE CRYSTAL WEDDING. This occurs on the fifteenth anniversary. An elab- orate entertainment is provided, and handsome glass- ware may be brought by friends. The articles in order here are countless. Epergnes, berry dishes, lamps, mirrors, goblets, wine-glasses, finger bowls, vases, bouquet holders, cake dishes, pickle jars, all are useful. For the 'bride's dressing-room vinaigrettes, hand mirrors, ivory brushes with looking-glass backs, toilet bottles, and even bottles of perfume are all included in the "crystal" part of the event. THE CHINA WEDDING. A wedding which takes place on the twentieth an- niversary has a flavor of solidity, and the presents are in keeping. Sets of china dishes, porcelain orna- ments, bisque figures, plaques, hand painted, are very elegant. There is a division of opinion upon this wedding, some calling it the "floral" wedding. If 4NN1YERS4R1ES. 231 the latter is preferred, the gifts must be flowers in every form, until the house becomes a bower of beauty. We trust there will be none found who believe, as do some people, that it is unlucky to ob- serve the twentieth anniversay, and that either hus- band or wife will die within the year if any notice is taken of it. THE SILVER WEDDING. A couple who have lived together for twenty-five years are entitled to consideration in these days of loose and irreverent treatment of the marriage tie. This wedding is indeed an important event, and the celebration should be in good taste. Flowers, music and lights are necessary accessories; the invitations are to be in silver letters on fine white paper. This is a good form: 1866. 1891. MR. AND MRS. WEBB request the pleasure of your presence on Thursday, December 22d, at eight o'clock. SILVER WEDDING. Cyrus Webb. Annie Marsh. The names at the end can be left off. Another form which some prefer is this: 232 JNMYERSARIES. MR. AND MRS. JAMES BARBER request the pleasure of your presence on Monday evening, March 23, at eight o'clock, to celebrate the twenty-fifth anniversary of their marriage. No gifts received. No. 21 Carpenter St. Many people who wish to spare their friends the necessity of bringing a present which perhaps their means would forbid, use the latter form, while still others use the first one, and also inclose a small card with the words, "It is preferred that no presents be offered." If presents are made by the relatives, they are costly, consisting of silverware, candelabras, card- cases, purses, silver ornaments, silver headed canes, silk umbrellas richly ornamented, silver for the table, for the toilette and for all occasions. Silver coins have also been given, but this is not in good taste. An effort is made to have as many of the very old friends present as can be found. The congratulations are many, the supper fine. The bride and groom imitate as closely as they can, the fashion of their early years. A wedding-cake is baked, a ring inclosed, and it is said that the unmarried lady to whom this falls, will be a bride within a year. AHNIYERSAR.1ES. 233 THE GOLDEN WEDDING. This is an anniversary which is vouchsafed to few. Fifty years of life with the one beloved! A half century of varied experiences. When it does come, great are the rejoicings, and many the good wishes of those who partake of the glad occasion. The prep- arations are even more extensive than they are for the silver wedding. The form of invitation is the same, except that they are printed in gold letters, and the words thereon are "Golden Wedding." The presents are, of course, composed of that precious metal gold, and the reader needs no assistance in choosing them. THE DIAMOND WEDDING. But if the couple who have lived fifty years together, awaken our envy and admiration, what shall we say of those who journey together for seventy -five years? This occurs to but very few. And when the anni- versary is observed, the gifts must be precious stones and valuable. . Some authorities say that this is the sixtieth anniversary in the place of the seventy-fifth, and it assuredly seems more likely. Old age can be made very lovely, and the pair who have spent sixty years in each other's company are honored pilgrims in life's pathway. There are other anniversaries, to which we will briefly allude, but which are very little observed: 234 The seventh, or woolen anniversary; the twelfth, silk %x\.&fine linen; the thirtieth, pearl wedding; the thirty-fifth, or coral; fortieth, or ruby ; forty-fifth, or bronze; the sixty-fifth or crown wedding. Each of these suggests the offerings to be made. But there is little if any attention paid them. WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. For the ready reference of our readers we append the list of these important affairs, in the order in which they occur: First Anniversary Paper Wedding Second Anniversary Cotton Wedding Third Anniversary Leather Wedding Fifth Anniversary Wooden Wedding Seventh Anniversary Woolen Wedding Tenth Anniversary Tin Wedding Twelfth Anniversary Silk and Fine Linen Wedding Fifteenth Anniversary Crystal (sometimes the Iron) Wedding Twentieth Anniversary China (sometimes the Floral) Wedding Twenty-fifth Anniversary Silver Wedding Thirtieth Anniversary Pearl Wedding Thirty-fifth Anniversary Coral Wedding Fortieth Anniversary Ruby Wedding Forty-fifth Anniversary Bronze Wedding Fiftieth Anniversary Golden Wedding Sixty-fifth Anniversary Crown Wedding Seventy fifth Anniversary Diamond Wedding The wedding-ring is of Roman origin, and was given by the bridegroom to the bride as a pledge of their 285 j^R engagement. In Juvenal we read that a man always placed a ring on the finger of the lady to whom he was betrothed. In those days kings and other digni- taries gave rings as pledges of good faith, and much importance was attached to them as a means of iden- tification, or as pledges of promises made. Then, as now, the ring was placed upon the woman's left hand, and so universal is this custom among both Jews and Christians that the plain gold circlet worn on the third finger of the left hand has become the outward sign of marriage, and with many it is still considered a bad omen to remove it after it has been placed there at the altar. Among the most pleasant observances, is the anni- versary marking the birthdays of children. These are green spots in their little lives. The early Puritans would not permit them to be noticed, and classed them among the other sinful indulgences forbidden by their austere belief. They are kept in these later days, and are always held in grateful remembrance. A pretty litt'e device is the birthday cake, around the edge of which is fitted a rim of tin in which are placed wax can- dles. These are lit, and are exactly of the same num- ber of years as the child whose birthday is being cel- ebrated. Little boxes of candy are presented each child to take home with them, as a memento of the occasion. The young man who reaches his twenty-first birth- 236 4NNIYERSARIES. day receives an ovation in the shape of a dinner or some other festivity. He is made quite a conspicu- ous feature, especially if he is the only boy amid a bevy of sisters. The birthdays of the older members of the family are celebrated quietly, and are usually marked by gifts from the near and dear ones. CHAPTER XIX. THE TIMID, THE AWKWARD AND SHY. TIMIDITY. is no more distressing sight than the timidity of the novice in society. One who is continually anguished lest he commit some blunder which will taboo him in the circle in which he is placed. Timidity and awkwardness go hand in hand. Is it not strange, too, that this bashfulness belongs more commonly to that sex to which women look for protection and strength of character? It is equally strange that few women are bashful, to the verge of awkwardness. No matter how modest or shrinking they may be by nature, they have ever an innate sense of the fitness of things, a happy blending of timidity and self-possession that puts them at ease. This bashfulness has gone through life with some men. They could not shake it off. It clung to them like a garment. Society is to such a prolonged tort- ure, and its exactions become unendurable; and yet they realize more fully than the easy, comfortable, self-possessed man, the great benefits that mingling with their fellows will bring to them, 237 238 THE TIMID, THE AWKWARD AND SHY. WHAT CAUSES BASHFULNESS? From what does this bashfulness spring? From an inherent modesty that makes them shrink from contact with those whose manners are more polished than their own? We have always been of that opin- ion, but we see it affirmed that shyness is but another form of egotism; and the writer who makes this asser- tion, explains by saying that it is the egotism which leads one to think constantly of self, even though in a disparaging fashion. We believe this view a little uncharitable, and regard this shyness a sort of humility that prompts a young person of either sex to dread lest they be criticised unmercifully for their gait, their manners or their personal appearance. ENTERTAINING A BASHFUL PERSON. It is a painful task to attempt to entertain a very bashful person. One almost feels in their presence as if their own light-heartedness were but a form of coarseness, so fiercely will the blood rush to the face of such a person, at your well-intended sallies of wit. COMPANIONSHIP NATURAL. It is natural for men and women to seek companion- ship. And a bashful man is no exception to this rule. He feels that strong attraction quite as deeply as does the one who was never taken at a disadvantage in his " *- - ' RATHER AWKWARD. THE TIMID, THE AWKWARD AND SHY. 239 life. The attrition of other minds, the seeking of fel- lowship is productive of good. It develops the social side of the nature, and puts the stamp of polish upon all we do and say. This contact teaches many useful lessons of forbearance and patience, without which human nature would be incomplete. BASHFULNESS NO DISCREDIT. It is not discreditable to be bashful. It is founded upon a native delicacy of feeling, which, properly trained, will expand into a manly gentleness. It is only the manifestation of it which is to be deplored. The young person who cannot enter a room without fancying all eyes are upon him, nor be spoken to with- out stammering and trembling like a leaf, is sure to become conspicuous through those very faults, and thus they become intensified. GREAT MEN HAVE BEEN BASHFUL. It is a matter of history that some of the world's greatest men have been exceedingly bashful. George Washington was timid in the presence of ladies when a youth, and yet he was one of the most courtly of gentlemen in after years. Both Sheridan and Curran were appalled at the sound of their own voices on the occasion of their maiden speeches. It is related of Cowper the poet, that he could not pass any one on 240 THE TIMID, THE AWKWARD AND SHY. the road, but would make a dotour through the fields, so much did he dread to meet strangers. These examples are but a few of the many that may be gleaned from history, but show sufficiently that it is not the humble or obscure alone, who are afflicted with bashfulness. PERSONAL OPINIONS. "Young men often, through real modesty, put forth their remarks in the form of personal opinions; as, with the introduction of, 'I think so-and-so,' or, 'Now, I, for my part, have found it otherwise. ' This is generally prompted by humility; and yet it has an air of arrogance. The persons who employ such phrases, mean to shrink from affirming a fact into expressing a notion, but are accused of designing to extend an opinion into an affirmance of a fact." This is another form of bashfulness which must be conquered. HOW AWKWARD! The shy man is forever committing some blunder. He is either stepping on some lady's dress, or spilling water on his neighbor at table, or knocking down some fragile bit of bric-a-brac with those elbows of his that are in the way on all occasions. When he is presented to a lady, he colors up violently, and stammers out some inappropriate response, or un- THE TIMID, THE AWKWARD AND SHY. 241 meaning question. He is generally in a hurry, and if asked to take a lady in to supper, he drags her in as though she were a lifeless bundle, and sits during the meal, as silent as a statue. MANNERS OBLIGATORY. A knowledge of the code of manners, so earnestly desired, and anxiously copied, by the timid, are equally binding upon all who would move in good society. They are needed in all situations, and are found everywhere. Every race, every tribe, even, has its own set rules of daily conduct to which we must conform if we would dwell among them. These laws of etiquette need not be looked upon as dis- agreeable restraints to be fretted against and tossed aside at will. Rather are they protections 5gainst the encroachments of the rude, the thoughtless, and the ignorant. Then what wonder is it if the mor- bidly shy. and retiring person looks with sincere admi- ration upon that ease of manner which his intimates display. How he envies the self-possession of the man who can enter a room full of people, without a tremor, and greet them calmly with no sign of being disconcerted. He would give much to be able to imitate him. SELF-RESPECT AKIN TO HUMILITY. It is said that true self-respect cannot exist apart 16 P42 THE TIMID, THE AWKWARD AND SHY. from humility. If this be so, the bashful youtn assuredly has much self-respect for the foundation of his shyness; a feeling which begets a due considera- tion for others, and a correct measurement of them. This respect, when directed aright, is productive of deference to superiors and especially to women. So the young man who enters society with a deep-rooted dread lest he be capable of some sin against its tenets, when he has trained himself to use that society as a means, not an end, will eventually become one of the brightest ornaments of the social circle, whom it will be a pleasure and pride to know. And one of the first steps to that training is to place himself under the tutelage of an experienced elderly lady, who will kindly help him to an understanding of what he should and should not do. There is no friend more useful to a beginner in society's ways than a gentle, thoughtful woman. And the young man who succeeds in enlisting the interest of such an one is certain of social success. HOW TO CONQUER TIMIDITY. What should the bashful man do first in order to acquire self-possession? Forget self. He should not once think of how he is going to appear to others, or what he must say. He must enter a room quietly, and as if there were not another occupant. When THE TIMID, THE AWKWARD AND SHY. 243 he is addressed, he must try and collect his thoughts, and answer clearly and unconcernedly (of course, politely). Self-possession inspires confidence, and establishes a sort of free-masonry, which places peo- ple on an equal footing. There is no doubt that to a certain extent first impressions are lasting. And that is another strong plea for their being of an agreeable character, Emerson, who has written forcibly on this subject, in speaking of manners declares that, "When we reflect on their persuasive and cheering force: how they draw people together; how in all the clubs, man- ners make the members; how manners make the fort- une of the ambitious youth; that for the most part, his manners marry him, and, for the most part, he marries manners; when we think what keys they are, and to what secrets, what high lessons and inspiring tokens of character they convey, and what divina- tion is required in us for the reading of this fine tele- graph, we see what range the subject has, and what relations to convenience, power and beauty. * * * The maxim of courts is that "manner is power" A calm and resolute bearing, a polished speech, an em- bellishment of trifles, and the art of hiding all uncom- fortable feelings are essential to the courtier. * * * Manners impress as they indicate real power. A man who is sure of his point carries a broad and con- tented expression, which everybody reads: and you 244 THE TIMID, THE AWKWARD AND SHY. cannot rightly train to an air and manner, except by making him the kind of man of whom that manner is the natural expression. Nature forever puts a pre- mium on reality." SELF-DEPRECIATION. The shyness of some people arises from a fear that they may be thought inferior to those with whom they are associated. This fault can easily be corrected by asking "Who is my superior?" and answering it thus No one merely from the accident of'position or circumstances. Only he is superior who is so by grandeur of character, noble deeds and lofty impulses. And some again decline to make an effort to be polite and deferential lest they may be deemed serv- ile. There is no servility in courtesy. Some strong, self-contained natures may set at defiance some minor social laws, but such natures would possess still greater influence, did they add the charm of good manners to their other good qualities. It is often asserted, as an excuse for some glaring deficiency in this regard, "But he's a rough diamond." But would not that same diamond be far more brilliant and beautiful if it were polished and cut? SHYNESS BECOMES AWKWARDNESS. When shyness is carried to excess, it degenerates THE TIMID, THE AWKWARD AND SHY. 245 into awkwardness. The feeling that you are about to do something clumsily, precipitates the very catas- trophe so much dreaded. The awkward man will drop anything he tries to hand to a lady, stumbles over hassocks, opens windows when he should close them; to be brief, he is the terror of the ladies, for they know that he is liable to imperil their comfort in some unexpected manner at any moment. At the table he creates confusion and ill-concealed merriment, until the unfortunate cause is ready to fly forever from a scene where he is so out of place. SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS. There is another class who are self-conscious. This is as disagreeable as it is foolish. Those who have this fault are ever holding up the mirror to their own personality. When they converse, it is of self they are thinking. They never forget themselves for an instant, and are always posing that others may admire. Their gaze is perpetually wandering to catch an expression of how they are valued. Such people impress one very unpleasantly. They are self-con- stituted "lions." They grow dogmatic, opinionated, and repel when they fancy they astonish. SHYNESS DETRIMENTAL. Every man can become a gentleman. And an 246 THE TIMID, THE AWKWARD AND SHY. acquaintance with the laws laid down for social eti- quette is the shortest road to this end. Clearly then it is a duty the timid man owes to himself to conquer his weakness. A shy person will throw a restraint over a group of people, and cause the most sparkling conversation to flag. It is impossible to become friendly and chatty with such an individual. He never thaws out. His presence will have the effect of dampening the pleasure of others, or else they become indifferent to him, and leave him to his own resources. This is unkind, for as we said before, the man or woman who is shy is painfully modest, and will go through life misunderstood and unappreciated. He needs the most delicate sympathy. He should be en- couraged to talk, but it must be done in so careful a manner that he will not be conscious of your intent, else will his pride take alarm, and he will retreat from the field. INHERITED BASHFULNESS. Bashfulness is often an inheritance, and children who are its victims are not properly trained. The boy or girl who is sensitive should not be ridiculed by the more courageous brothers and sisters. Every opportunity should be given them to mingle with their elders. They should be taught dancing, gymnastics and all similar accomplishments. The physical grace and poise these impart to a youth, will extend to the THE TIMID, THE AWKWARD ANQ SHY. 247 mind as well, and give him confidence in his own ability. A youth thus educated, grows graceful his carriage bespeaks a healthy dignity born of a freedom from pretense. Take boys who are bashful into the parlor when guests are present, but do not force them into promi- nence. Watch them, but do not let them feel that they are the objects of solicitude. Leave them un- concerned and free from restraint. Present them quietly to the guests as if it were an everyday event, and leave them to wander-, through the rooms at their own pleasure. They will soon grow accustomed to their surroundings, and the feeling that nothing is ex- pected of them will soon lead them to wonder why this is so. From wondering, they will commence ex- amining self, then imitating others, and this silent training will soon show good effects in the outward demeanor. DO NOT BECOME AFFECTED. But it is, after all, so easy to be rid of bashfulness, the means are so plainly within reach, that we would impress upon a young man that he should guard against the opposite extreme assuming an ease which is not felt; an affectation of well-bred indifference which becomes an impertinence, such as lounging in company, pretending to suppress a yawn, humming to oneself, staring blankly at people, or carelessly 243 THE TIMID, THE AWKWARD AND SHY. nodding to them. These "airs" are too transparent, and will never be mistaken for that familiarity with good society, which they would have us believe they possess. A WORD OF ADVICE. To the really shy we would say: Give close atten- tion to what is going on around you; store your mind with the current thought of the day. Deter- mine to make the best of every circumstance. Min- gle with well-bred people. Social friction is absolutely necessary would you become polished. Do not be in a hurry about anything. This is fatal to the highest politeness. Select a good model from among those who shine in society, and follow it. Goldsmith says "People seldom improve when they have no other model but themselves to copy after." Remember, that by patient effort alone can you cast aside that shyness which makes society and its demands so op- pressive. We think that these words are fitting and timely: "Let the shy man remember that people are not thinking about him nearly as much as he supposes, they are all too busy thinking about themselves. Let him especially avoid nervous, awkward tricks play- ing with his cane or his hat or his watch-guard. If he can once learn to sit perfectly still, he has done a great thing, although he must beware of a repose that THE TIMID, THE AWKWARD AND SHY. 249 is too stiff, and he must not look as if he had been frozen into one special attitude. We Americans are too nervous and too energetic to care to sit entirely quiet for more than a very short time; and yet the ability to do so in company and malice prepense shows one has reached the high-water mark of good- breeding." CHAPTER XX. THE GUEST CHAMBER. ^PINIONS and customs have changed considera- bly within the past few years, on many points. Once it was thought absolutely necessary to have a room set apart for the honored guest, whose splendid appointments should eclipse the remainder of the sleeping rooms. When there were no visitors at the house it was shut up and left to its silence and loneli- ness. These chambers were made quite elegant, but they somehow lacked the home feeling of the more modern room provided for friends. A more sensible and just feeling is growing that one's household should all be cared for, and that no special outlay should be made with reference to any partic- ular portion of the dwelling. But every house should have a room or two set apart for the use of the cher- ished guest within your gates, and this can be made both cheery and inviting, by the exercise of a little taste and small ^expense. CHILDREN'S ROOMS. We would have the little one's rooms so near to 250 THE GUEST CHAMBER. 251 the mother, that she could exercise constant supervis- ion of them. A room next the mother's should be devoted to them, with a door cut between the two; and thus she would have ready access to them, at the first call. Children should never be put to sleep with servants or a very old person, no matter how cramped for sleeping room you may be. SELECT A PLEASANT ROOM. The guest chamber should be one of the pleasantest rooms in the house. A large and nicely furnished apartment so that a guest would not be made uncom- fortable for want of room. It should not be too far away from the other members of the family, or a sense of loneliness and isolation will be induced. Nor should it be so near that the noise and stir of housekeep- ing will disturb their rest too early in the morning. CARING FOR GUESTS. Every care should be taken to make the guest feel that he is surrounded with kind and loving guardian- ship. But the . ordinary routine of the home-life should not be so disarranged that the presence of a guest will come to be considered almost an infliction. It is injurious to children to allow any intrusion or interruption of the daily routine of their lives and is especially displeasing to them. 262 THE GUEST CHAMBER. VENTILATION OF SLEEPING ROOMS. All chambers should be well ventilated from the outside. A room where the morning sun streams in is to be preferred, when it is obtainable, and in point of health has advantages over the dark, close, rooms lit by side lights, found in many of the city houses. NOT ROOM ENOUGH. There are many times when one or two guest cham- bers will not suffice for the number the family may be entertaining. In that case, the children may be dis- posed of by occupying less roomy quarters, and sacri- ficing their personal comfort to that of their parent's friends. It can be made a source of pleasant contriv- ing how to crowd a dozen people into the space where less than half that number are placed usually, and the children will get a great deal of fun out of the affair. NOT TOO ELABORATE. We do not wish to be understood as inferring that the guest chamber may not be made p. pleasant rest- ing place; but we do object to their being made so elegant as to utterly eclipse all the other apartments. We would have every sleeping room, from the little ones up to the oldest member of the home circle made attractive as taste can make it. We do not admire such violent contrasts as are afforded occasionally, A CRITICAL GUEST. THE GUEST CHAMBER. 253 where the family occupy rooms scantily and even meanly furnished, and no effort is made to beautify. The cracked glass or comb with half the teeth gone, rickety chairs, torn towels, etc., are relegated to these apartments, for "they are good enough for home use," while most elaborate pains are bestowed upon the show-room we had almost said guest cham- ber; thus making the room intended for company, and which is only in use now 'and then, a veritable "bower of beauty." A DETRIMENT TO CHILDREN. This course will have a bad effect upon the minds of the children of a household. It tends to make them unrefined and careless of outward appearances, and they learn to do their daily tasks in a slipshod, half-finished way. Seeing no attempt at making the home attractive, they do not take pride in it, them- selves. A feeling of discontent is engendered. They visit, in their turn, and seeing the taste and cultiva- tion displayed elsewhere, they ask "Why can we not have a pretty room like this?" It has still more injurious effects in the example that is set of putting on a "company dress" as it were, and curtailing the comforts that belong to the occupants of the home. If parents cannot afford much, let them have that little all the time, and cordially invite your friends to 254 THE GUEST CHAMBER- share with you. Each membe r will thus take a interest in all that pertains to the welfare of home, and will mutually strive to adorn and brighten its sur- roundings. WHAT SHOULD IT BE ? The guest chamber should be noticeable for three things: The taste and judgment shown in its fur- nishing; its air of home-like comfort and ready access; and the scrupulous cleanliness which should prevail. SUITABILITY OF FURNISHING. Every room in a house, no matter whether attic or parlor, should be planned and furnished with an eye to harmony. The articles of furniture should cor- respond to the size and shape of the room, and the position in that room which the furniture is to occupy. The same regard must be paid to the colors of the walls, the draperies, and all other things. Sleeping rooms should always be decorated with light, pleasing tints. Nothing somber or gloomy should have a place here. One involuntarily shivers when he recalls the pomp and massiveness of the state chambers of days gone by the funeral hangings of velvet, the lofty couch, the armored knights, the dim light of wax tapers casting their flickering shadows into the gloomy depths. A thousand times more desirable are the THE GUEST CHAMBER. 255 guest chambers of to-day, with bright draperies, and sunny outlook! If one's taste inclines him to dark furniture these light shades of wall and ornaments will harmonize very well; but our individual preference would always be for light-colored furniture for a sleeping room. ARRIVAL OF A GUEST. When a guest arrives, at once show him to the room he is to occupy, that he may remove the dust of travel, and prepare for the meal which should fol- low at once for his special refreshment, unless it chances that the usual family meal is close at hand. The chamber should be in perfect order, and pro- vided with plenty of towels, a hair-brush and comb, and fine soap. THE BED. This should be wholesome and clean, the mattress thick and soft. The sheets should be snowy-white, and the clothing for the couch should be ample. The outside spread should be of pure white material, or else a delicate blue, gray or pink. Red and somber counterpanes should be banished from our chambers. The pillows should be large and square, of down or hair. The latter are much liked by people who are subject to headaches. An extra pair of blankets or a comforter should be 256 THE GUEST CHAMBER. neatly folded and laid across the foot of the bed, or on a chair at hand, for the use of the guest, should the usual covers be insufficient. LAMPS. All sleeping rooms should be provided with a small night lamp, for those who do not like a dark room. A small lamp is preferable to a gas-jet turned down low, as the least draft from outside is liable to extin- guish that, and the odor from escaping gas is intoler- able. A small lamp is better, but do not turn that down; the flame from a lamp with a tiny tube, is not sufficiently bright to disturb one's slumbers. It can easily be shaded by a paper or book. FURNITURE IN A CHAMBER. A room for sleeping should never be overcrowded with furniture. But there are some articles that are indispensable, as a lounge, for the comfort of the guest in the day-time. A rocker is a very nice adjunct, and few can resist the temptation of using them, in spite of what physicians say against them. They are also very handy if the visitor happens to be a lady with a young child. CHAIRS. These should be light and graceful, and decorated with embroidered scarfs with fringed ends or trimmed THE GUEST CHAMBER. 257 with chenille balls which are so reasonable in price. The pretty little Madras scarfs are very charming, and not at all expensive. They may be knotted loosely over the chair or back of the lounge, and give it a picturesque look. PICTURES. There should not be many pictures, and those which are hung, should be chosen from simple subjects. Children's heads and still-life are the most appropri- ate. CURTAINS. Some people are partial to heavy draperies, but in that, as all the other accessories, lightness and cheer- fulness are more in keeping. Use light and floating material, and make the curtains hang so full that when draped they will serve the double purpose of softening the glare of the morning light, and seclud- ing the inmates of the room from view. Swiss muslin, gay Madras, or some of the prettily striped cheese cloth, looped with bright-colored ribbons, has a good effect. TINTED WALLS. The walls should be in subdued and delicate tints. A narrow border helps ornament them. When car- pets are used, they must be bright and cheerful, and the pattern rather small. Many ladies object to car- n 258 THE GUEST CHAMBER. pets, considering them harborers of dust; they are also heavy to remove and cleanse; both of which objections are reasonable. Oiled floors, straw mat- ting, and heavy rugs are substituted for carpets in many homes of means. WHAT IS NEEDED. Among the useful additions to the guest's chamber is a sewing basket, a few shelves for books, a dressing case, and a footstool. It is not merely a place where your guest passes the night, but must be made con- venient and alluring, so that should he or she be so inclined, a rest can be obtained during the busy hours of day. WRITING MATERIALS. A stand or small desk well-stocked with stationery, for the use of those who come unprepared with writ- ing materials, would be appreciated. Such additions to the room give it a more home-like air. ACCESSORIES NECESSARY. On the dresser should be found a nail-brush, comb, shoe-buttoner, hair-brush and pincushion. The hair- brush can be kept clean by adding spirits of ammonia to a basin of water, and passing the brush through it several times; then rinse and stand it upright, resting on the point of the handle, to drain. THE GUEST CHAMBEk. 259 At least a couple of drawers in the bureau should be left empty, for the convenience of the visitor who may make a prolonged stay. Do not forget a small basket for scraps of paper and combings of hair. This should be emptied every morning. And the match-box keep it filled. What a lovely feeling it will give, if you are restless and wish to rise; you try to light the gas, and there are no matches to be found. The careful hostess will look to it that all these simple details are attended to. A WATER BOTTLE. A water bottle is better adapted for drinking water, as it is less exposed to the air of the sleeping room than a pitcher. The water and a tumbler should be sent into the room fresh, just before retiring. It is to be hoped that the hostess will not forget to prepare her windows with screens, and the bed with a netting, to keep out those pests of city and country mosquitoes. The etiquette which pertains to every department of social life is to be observed here. The guest must be made welcome to the comforts provided. The articles specified are all necessary to promote that comfort, and although many expensive ones can be added, still those we have described can be made by 260 THE GUEST CHAMBER. home ingenuity and a moderate outlay in money, and should have a place in every sleeping room, increas- ing the pleasure of the family as well as that of the guest. Beautify to your hearts' content, but not at the expense of other's comfort, and never sacrifice taste to display. Have the best you can afford but let the home circle share it each day. Your guest will thus never take you at a disadvantage, but will find you ever ready to dispense your hospitality in a simple, un- affected manner. CHAPTER XXI. LETTER WRITING. THE man or woman who can talk well, can write a letter equally well. The thoughts that enable one to shine in conversation can be transferred to paper and win for the writer the same amount of ad- miration. There is only this difference that words, as they fall from the lips, have an airy grace of their own, aided by the tone of voice, and play of feature, which written down in set phrases, is lacking. Any person can write a social, friendly letter. Indeed, the chief charm of these epistles is, that they con- sist of airy nothings, which are not brought under any set rules. But letters to strangers and letters of busi- ness must partake of a more formal character; as also letters of regret and those written to congratulate a friend. For these there are certain forms which re- quire to be observed. INK TO USE. Never use fancy colored inks. Though once very fashionable, they are no longer deemed elegant. A 261 262 LETTER. WRITING. clear black ink is the accepted standard. Purchase an ink that flows freely, without sinking into the paper, and will not gum the pen. A rusty brown black is very offensive to the eye. PAPER AND ENVELOPES. The style and size and shape of paper changes con- tinually. These matters are always within the prov- ince of the stationers who supply them, and who always keep the "latest." But the quality never varies. Always a fine, firm white paper is in demand. If you have a preference for tints, they should be of the most delicate cream, or gray, so faint as scarcely to be observable. Learn to write on unruled paper. It is very easy to do so. Ruled paper is only suitable for business. If you find it too difficult to write with- out lines, a sheet of heavily ruled paper placed under- neath will serve you as a guide. A paper with your monogram is allowable, and in England, where they do 'many things sensibly, it is the custom to have one's address printed at the head of the sheet. This stands in lieu of writing it in the body of the letter, an omission which many are guilty of. Envel- opes are square, and should exactly fit the paper, so that it need not be doubled but once. Ladies may use delicately perfumed paper, but gentlemen should not. Black-edged paper is in vogue with those who R. S. V. P. LETTER WRITING. 263 are in mourning. Some people do not use it, how- ever. In writing a letter of condolence to one who is in mourning, you should not adopt a mourning paper. Make use of the stationery you have. It is rude to write to a friend or stranger on a half-sheet of paper, or on a torn sheet. In business houses, the half-sheet is always used, but it is printed for that special purpose. Crossing your pages is positively an insult. Some ladies write across the proper way, then turn and recross, until it would need the patience of the famous Job, to decipher them. The writer remem- bers, when a girl, of receiving such a letter from a very dear cousin. It was crossed and criss-crossed in % every conceivable direction, and in so fine a hand that it rivaled the intricacies of a spider's web. It is needless to say, that to this day the contents of that letter are unknown to the recipient. It awoke the same feelings as expressed by a hero of a novel, who says in speaking of a similar infliction "Give me any other torture than this, to read a woman's plaid letter." Paper that is thin or full of specks, is untidy and cheap looking. So are blots, erasures and inter- lining. Long letters are only welcome to friends who take deep interest in us, and even there "Brevity is the soul of wit," for few have the rare gift of writing lengthy epistles that will not weary. 264 LETTER WRITING. USE OF FIGURES AND ABBREVIATIONS. Business people, to save time, date their letters "2-4-'9i " meaning fourth day, second month of 1891. It is impolite in friendly correspondence. Addresses should be in figures, as "No. 21, Carpenter St.;" the day of the month also, as "Sept. 3." Nu- merals are not proper in letters. Were you to speak of the century, it would be "the nineteenth century." The age should be spelled out, as "He is sixty to-day." The titles of persons preceding their name, should be abbreviated "Hon. Reverdy Johnson," "Rev. Dr. Bacon." States are abbreviated when the town pre- cedes them, as "Boston, Mass. ;" "Viz." for videlicit, meaning " namely, " or " to wit ; " " i. 37 Gentlemen, what to do 40 Giggling 36 Ladies' dress 35 Offering seat 45 Offering arm 41 Physical training 44 Removing the glove 42 Smoking 42 Whistling 41 Women, privileges of 34 Young gfrls 34 INTRODUCTIONS 67 A"cnt"direct 69 A gentleman salutes, how 70 A wife introducing husband 70 By card 77 H and shaking 73 In the street 74 Ladies 68 Letters of introduction 76 Letters of introduction 78 Not always recognized 68 Paper to be used 78 Presenting younger to elder 71 Requesting 74 Scraping acquaintances 72 The title 71 Visitors 74 Use judgment in letters 76 ULDIES' CALLS 199 Another lady 303 At work 201 Calling first 208 Cards 804 444 INDEX. PAGE Gentlemen's 805 Mother and daughter 206 Mourning 208 Prefixes i06 P.P.C 208 Quality of 205 Reception 207 Widow's 206 When sent 208 Changing residence 207 Condolence 203 Conduet 208 Congratulatory 203 Conversation 200 . Evening calls 201 Hints 210 Hours 210 Leaving 200 Lengthof 211 Memorandum 201 Morning 199 New Year's 209 Not at home 201 Not to do 200 Sick 204 Strangers 204 Wraps 2Q2 LETTER WRITIN 261 Abbreviating 275 Addressing 265 Aneatletter. 275 Closing 273 French phrases 267 Hints 268 Ink 261 Letter headings 269 Postscripts 268 Postal cards 274 Receipts 272 Replying 272 Salutations used 271 Sealing-wax and wafers 374 Signatures 272 Style 265 To friends and others 270 To strangers 276 MISCELLANEOUS BULKS OF ETIQUETTE 386 PARENTS AND CHILDREN 336 Conversation 341 Filial respect. 337 Haven 837 Honesty 340 Life's pursuit 345 Praising 343 Punishing 341 True 339 Unpleasantness 340 PARTIES, BALLS, ETC ... 92 Croquet 95 Dancing 98 Desirable 98 Evening party 96 Tive o'clock tea 93 Gentlemen's suppers 96 Invitations 98 INDEX. 4U PA0E Declining 97 Husband and wife 97 Naming reasons 97 Kettledrum .'. 93 Lunch 95 Musicale 94 Rudeness 94 Program 94 Supper 98 When to arrive 98 SALUTATIONS 47 A greeting 49 A servant 54 Country customs 50 French estimate 49 In different countries 47 Kissing guests 55 Kissing ladies 55 Kissing promiscuously 54 Shaking nands 54 The bow 49 The hand -. 52 Who shall bow first? 50 TABLE MANNERS 172 Children 172 Asking 174 Faults 175 Greedy 175 Leaving table 175 Manners 173 Politeness 173 Talk 173 Loud talk. t 174 Compliments 175 Dinners 183 Dress 179 Fruit 183 Gravy 180 Manners 176 Palatable 182 Reading 181 Refusing food 176 Rudeness 176 Serving 179 Things to avoid 177 What to eat 181 Whom to serve 181 Wine 181 VASTB AND HARMONY IN DRESS 277 Age 283 A question 279 Ball dress 286 Beauty 878 Children 284 Considerate 278 Consistency 284 Dress and Manners 277 Dressmakers 3 Driving 288 Evening dress 285 Garden party 289 Gentlemen's dress 283 Hints 290 Judged by strangers 282 Lawn JteaniB.., 88 UCSB LIBRARY 446 INDEX. MM Love of dress 280 Morning 287 Neatness 285 Opera -. 287 Overdressing 2tU Riding habit 288 Traveling 289 Walking 287 Young girls 286 THE BOYS AND GIRLS AT HOME 283 THE HOUSE OF MOUBNING 301 At the house 304 Cards and Paper 311 Carriages 305 Condolence 311 Crape 303 Funeral, before *.... 302 Funeral services 306 Flowers 307 Military 308 Order of 307 Private 307 How long to wear mourning 308 Invitations 305 Memorial cards 311 Pall bearers 304 Parade 301 Places of Amusement 310 Seclusion 312 Trifles 302 Watching the dead 303 Wearing mourning 310 THE TIMID, AWKWARD AND SHY 237 Affected 247 Awkwardness 240 A word of advice 248 Bashfulness 238 Companionship 238 Entertaining 238 Great men ., 239 Inherited bashf ulness 246 Nodiscredit 239 Obligatory manners 241 Personal opinions 240 Self consciousness 245 Self depreciation 244 Self respect 241 Shyness 244 Shyness detrimental 245 Timidity 242 Timidity 237 THE GUEST CHAMBEB 250 Accessories 258 Chairs 256 Children's rooms 250 Curtains 257 Detrimental 253 Elaborate 252 Furniture 256 Guests 251 Arrival of 255 Lamps f..... 256 Needed 258 Pictures 257 Pleasant room 281 ? v) R e r r 000611 577