THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES 
 
 IN T MEMORY OF 
 EDWIN CORLE 
 
 PRESENTED BY 
 JEAN CORLE
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 NINA WILCOX PUTNAM
 
 BELIEVE 
 YOU ME! 
 
 NINA WILCOX PUTNAM 
 
 AUTHOR OF "ADAM'S GARDEN," "THE IMPOSSIBLE 
 BOY," ETC., ETC. 
 
 NEW ^Sr YORK 
 GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY
 
 COPYRIGHT, IQI9, 
 BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
 
 TO> 
 J 8
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 CHAPTER PAGE 
 
 I LADIES ENLIST n 
 
 II PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 66 
 
 III HOLY SMOKES! 125 
 
 IV ANYTHING ONCE 156 
 
 V Now is THE TIME 202 
 
 VI THE GLAD HAND 244 
 
 vfi
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME!
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 i 
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 I WASN'T going to make no statement about 
 this here affair ; and I wouldn't even yet, only 
 for our publicity man. The day the story 
 leaked he called me up in the A. M., which is 
 the B. C. of the daytime, and woke me out of 
 the first perfectly good sleep I'd had since Jim 
 pulled that stunt and floored me so. 
 
 First off, I wouldn't answer the phone; but 
 Musette stood by me with it in her hand and 
 just made me. 
 
 "For my sake, mademoiselle!" says she, just 
 like she used to in our act on the big time, which 
 we played before I got into the dancing game. 
 "For my sake, mademoiselle," she says, "do 
 not refuse to talk with the publicity man!" 
 
 Well, when I heard who it was I seen some
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 sense in what she says; so I set up amid my 
 black-and-white-check bed, which believe you 
 me is as up to date as my latest drawing- 
 room dance. And I grabbed off the phone. 
 
 ''Yes," says I in a fainting voice; "this is 
 Miss La Tour. What is it, please? I'm far 
 from well." 
 
 "Cut out that stuff, Mary!" says a male 
 voice. "This is Roscoe. I want you to give 
 out a statement about you and Jim splitting 
 up." 
 
 "I won't!" says I, very sharp. "Whatter 
 yer think I am?" I says. "That's nobody's 
 business but our own!" 
 
 "Oh, ain't it, though?" says Roscoe, very 
 sarcastic. "The biggest parlor-dancing outfit 
 in America busts up and you can't be seen, 
 even, for two whole days! The stage at the 
 Royal ain't notified that your piece is called 
 off; the De-Luxe Hotel don't get no notice 
 that you ain't going to appear ; and all the info' 
 I could get when I called up your flat is that 
 you was gone out!" 
 
 "And so I was!" says I, indignant. 
 
 "Then I call up Jim's hotel and they say 
 he's gone!" shouted Roscoe. "Hell!" says he, 
 forgetting that me and the telephone operator 
 
 [12]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 both was ladies. "Hell! What kind of way 
 is that to treat a guy you're paying three thou. 
 a year to for getting your picture in the paper 
 every time you sneeze?" 
 
 I didn't have any comeback about that, for 
 there was certainly some truth in what he says. 
 But I wasn't to be put down so easy. 
 
 "I guess I know my business, Ros," I says, 
 sharp, "or I wouldn't be living in a swell flat 
 on the Drive, all fixed up like a furniture shop, 
 with a limousine and two fool dogs, and earned 
 every cent of it myself, and no one can say a 
 word against me, if I didn't know my own 
 business. So there!" 
 
 "Looka here, Mary," says Roscoe. "There's 
 going to be a lot of talk up and down the Ri- 
 alto if you don't come across with some ex- 
 planation. I'm comin' right up to get it." 
 
 "Xo, you don't," I says, for I hadn't had my 
 facial massage in three days, and, after all, 
 Roscoe is a man, even if press agents ain't ex- 
 actly human. "Xo, you don't, Ros!" I says. 
 "If I gotter make some statement, I'll write 
 the dope myself and you can fix it up after - 
 see? It's a big story, but delicate, and I'm 
 going to have no misunderstanding over it." 
 
 "All right, Mary," says Ros. "But you get 
 [13]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 the stuff ready for the morning papers. I'll 
 be up for it." 
 
 Then he hung up and I knew I had to come 
 across. Besides, Ma come in just then; and 
 while I may boss my press agent, and even 
 sometimes my partner and Musette and the 
 two dogs, Ma sorter gets my goat. Ma had on 
 a elegant rose-silk negligee I give her; and as 
 usual, she had it ruined by tying a big gingham 
 apron over it, which made her look the size of 
 a house, but sort of comforting. She stopped 
 by the bed and set both her hands on her lips 
 the way she does when she don't mean to 
 be answered back. 
 
 "Xow, Mary Gilligan, you get right up and 
 wash your teeth!" says Ma, "and do your three 
 handsprings and other exercises, decent and 
 proper; and then eat the breakfast I got 
 cooked for you." 
 
 Funny thing, but Ma ain't got a mite of 
 dramatic sense. I just can't understand it, 
 after her having been with the circus so long 
 on the trapeze, until she got too heavy after 
 I come; and since then in the wardrobe-end of 
 the theater, and all. I ain't never been able 
 to break her in to none of the refinements of 
 life, either, and she will go into the kitchen for 
 
 [14]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 all I say; and some day I just know she'll call 
 me Gilligan in public. And a nice laugh 
 that'll get! 
 
 But, anyhow, I usually do what she says, 
 because Ma is a fine trainer; and believe you 
 me I wouldn't be able to hold on to Jim's 
 neck and swing out straight twenty times 
 round, like I do or did only for her and her 
 keeping me on the job like she's done. The 
 only other trouble with Ma is, she can't seem 
 to properly understand that it's my artistic 
 temperament which has brought in the cash 
 that and some good looks, and me realizing 
 that this refined parlor-dancing stuff would go 
 oyer big. Of course Jim's being able to wear 
 a dress suit like he'd been born in it has helped 
 some, eyeii aside from being such a fine part- 
 ner ; which brings me back, as they say, to the 
 tale. 
 
 Well, I done my exercise, arid so forth, and 
 then I had Musette bring up the sofa, a ele- 
 gant gilt one for we got what Ma calls Looie- 
 the-IIead- Waiter stuff in our parlor to the 
 window, so's I could lay and look dreamily 
 out over the autos on the Drive to the ships 
 in the river; you know the German ships 
 which have been taking out their naturalization 
 
 [15]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 papers, or something. And, as I lay there 
 thinking, I come to the conclusion that if I told 
 about the split I better tell all, including my 
 own enlistment. 
 
 Oh, how well I can now understand why 
 many men enlist, having been through it all 
 myself! And how then they long to get out, 
 and can't, and realize that they was boobs! 
 And how they learn that they weren't boobs 
 after all, once they got used to it! Do you 
 get me? 
 
 Well, anyways, I decided to tell the whole 
 story, which, of course, begun at Ruby Ro- 
 selle's party. 
 
 I think I don't hardly need to state that I 
 don't generally go with that Roselle crowd. 
 No acrobatic dancer could and keep her health. 
 And believe you me every drawing-room 
 dance act that is worth a thousand dollars a 
 week has acrobatics, and good sound acrobat- 
 ics, as its base. Well! As far as Ruby Ro- 
 selle and her crowd is concerned, far be it from 
 me to pass any remarks. But any one in the 
 theatrical line will tell you that a girl which 
 has made a reputation only on the color of her 
 hair and is not averse to tights don't have to 
 lead the rigid life of a first-class Al dancer, 
 
 [16]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 leaving out all judgments as to character, 
 which are usually wrong anyways. 
 
 But, having said that much, I will only add 
 that I have never gone out a lot, and seldom 
 without Ma. And while champagne is not ex- 
 actly a stranger to me, owing to Jim and me 
 always having to have it served with our din- 
 ner at the Ritz each night which any one with 
 sense knows is all publicity stuff and we never 
 drink it still, I'm not in favor of champagne 
 parties, which they generally end in trouble; 
 and this one of Ruby's was no exception. 
 
 Indeed, I wouldn't of gone in the first place 
 only for us unfortunately being on the same 
 bill at the opening of the Superba Roof, which, 
 of course, being the big midnight show of the 
 year, and the rest of the leads all having ac- 
 cepted, and Ruby being in so strong with the 
 management, it would of been bad business 
 policy to refuse. 
 
 When I pointed this out to Jim he couldn't 
 see it at first, owing to me never having gone 
 on such parties; and nobody can say any dif- 
 ferent, with truth. But the Superba contract 
 was the biggest thing we had got yet. And, 
 coming on top of the twenty minutes in Give 
 Us a Kiss, the twenty minutes at the De-Luxe 
 
 [17]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 Hotel, the net profs, was pretty fair. So, for 
 once, we accepted an invite to one of Ruby's 
 famous blow-outs. 
 
 Ruby Roselle's house was something won- 
 derful, but not to my taste, there being too 
 much in it, besides smelling of cologne and in- 
 cense, which, from her singing Overseas in 
 red-white-and-blue tights, was more or less to 
 be expected. Also, the clothes on her and the 
 other girls was too elaborate. My simple lit- 
 tle real Jace, and my hair, which Musette al- 
 ways does so it looks like I done it myself, 
 made them seem like a Hippodrome produc- 
 tion alongside of a play by this foreigner, Ib- 
 sen do you get me? I was proud of this; 
 for believe you me getting refinement 
 i:ieans work, just like any other achievement, 
 and I had modeled myself on Mrs. Pieter van 
 Norden for years, than whom there is surely 
 no one more refined by reputation, though I 
 had never seen her. I could see Jim felt the 
 same about all this, and we exchanged a look 
 on it; for, besides being engaged to be mar- 
 ried we was the best of friends when we come 
 in when we come in! Remember that! 
 
 After we said "How do ye do?" to Ruby, I 
 whispered to Jim not to celebrate too much. 
 
 [18]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 He ain't a drinking man if for no other rea- 
 sons but those of my own; but just oncet in a 
 while he'd get a little more than he should, and 
 this opening night the show had gone awful 
 big. Had he but heeded me better! Alas! 
 Nothing doing; it was all in vain! 
 
 For description of party see any motion- 
 picture film 011 Vice. Why waste words on 
 what is so well known? And believe you me 
 this \vas just like a fillum; and, as I have 
 said, nothing like that for mine, usually. But, 
 even so, we might of got off safe and home 
 without no trouble only for Yon Hoffman 
 and the baby alligator. 
 
 It seems like this here Von Hoffman was 
 stuck on Ruby; in fact, it was him that sug- 
 gested her singing Overseas in that fierce cos- 
 tume. Also, he gave her the alligator, she hav- 
 ing tried to pick on a present he couldn't pos- 
 sibly get when he wanted to buy her some- 
 thing. But, being German by descent, he had 
 the efficiency to get it, anyways; and there was 
 the alligator at the party, about fifteen inches 
 long, with a gold collar and diamonds in the 
 collar and we at war! 
 
 Well, it seems this alligator hadn't eat since 
 it come; and after Ruby had a double Bronx 
 
 [19]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 and two glasses of champagne the memory 
 of his hunger began to worry her do 3^011 get 
 me? So she had him brought in and set in 
 the middle of the supper table on the orchids 
 at two dollars per each, which he sat on with- 
 out moving while the crowd tried everything 
 on him, from olives to wine, with no success. 
 The alligator seemed a awful boob, for he just 
 lay there like a stuffed one, which we knew he 
 wasn't on account of his not having eaten. 
 
 Well, Jim hadn't heeded me. I guess the 
 truth must be told, though, honest, he had took 
 but very little ; still, being unused to it, the ef- 
 fect w r as greater do you get me ? And pretty 
 soon he and this Von Hoffman was kidding 
 each other and that alligator something fierce. 
 
 Now Jim took a hate on this Von Hoffman 
 bird the minute he laid eyes on him, partly on 
 account of the costume of Ruby, and also on 
 general principles, because of the bird's accent. 
 But, the alligator not moving or nothing, Jim 
 asks if the alligator understands only Ger- 
 man. 
 
 "In all probability," says Von Hoffman; 
 "he is a high-class alligator." 
 
 "Then he ought to understand American," 
 [20]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 says Jim. "He'll have to eventually; why not 
 now?" 
 
 "There's nothing to prove that," says the 
 German bird with a sneer. "lie will prob- 
 ably get along very well as he is, with German 
 only." 
 
 Jim looked mad as a hatter; but instead of 
 taking it out on this Von Hoffman, as he had 
 ought to have, he turned on that poor dumb 
 beast. 
 
 "Well," says Jim to the alligator, "here's 
 where you learn some patriotism." 
 
 And he leaned 'way across the table until 
 his face was only a inch or two away from 
 the alligator's. Jim looked that animal 
 straight in the eye and spoke very severe. 
 
 "To hell with Germany!" says Jim. 
 
 And with that the alligator snapped 
 snapped right onto the end of Jim's nose ! Oh, 
 my Gawd, but I yelled! So did Jim believe 
 you me! And then we all tried to get that 
 fiend of a pro-German alligator off Jim's face. 
 When they succeeded in making; him let go 
 
 / c? <~j 
 
 you had ought to of seen Jim's nose! It had 
 four holes in it and w r as bleeding something 
 fierce. 
 
 Oh, may I never live to see such a sight 
 [21]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 again, let alone having to go through what fol- 
 lowed! For once I forgot my refinement 
 completely, and I remember yelling at Jim 
 to kill that German. For if he didn't sick his 
 alligator onto Jim, who did? And there he 
 stood laughing at Jim for all he was worth; 
 and Jim never offered to fight him! 
 
 Believe you me, all my sympathy for Jim 
 melted right away when I seen he wasn't doing 
 nothing but stand there holding on to his nose 
 and moaning. 
 
 "I know alligator bites is deadly poison!" 
 He kept saying it over and over again, while 
 Von Hoffman was laughing himself sick. 
 
 "I hope it is poison!" he says. "I hope it is, 
 you jackanapes of an American dancer!" 
 
 At this I walked right up to that Von Hoff- 
 man bird. 
 
 "I'll get you for this!" I says. "Somehow 
 ,1 know you're a wrong one, and I'll get you, 
 even if Jim don't want to! I'd enlist to-mor- 
 row if I was a man and get your old Kaiser 
 as well!" 
 
 Then, the next thing I knew, me and Jim 
 was in the limousine, on the way to the hos- 
 pital: and Jim was still moaning over being 
 poisoned by the alligator arid getting blood all 
 
 [22]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 over the place, and the car just relined and 
 everything! I didn't say a word just then, 
 because, of course, you must stick to a pal in 
 time of immediate trouble do you get me? 
 But I was boiling mad inside, though worried 
 a little about the poison. Still, Jim's not hit- 
 ting that bird, Von Hoffman, was worse to 
 me than death itself. 
 
 At the hospital the chauffeur and me got 
 Jim inside somehow and to a desk in the hall. 
 There was a snappy-looking nurse sitting 
 there with a book, and our coming in at that 
 hour no more worried her than a fly in cold 
 weather. She just looked up quiet and spoke 
 sort of unhospitable. 
 
 "Name of ailment?" she inquired. 
 
 "Alligator bite!" I told her, brief; and I 
 will say this got her goat a little, because she 
 made me say it twice more before she would 
 believe me. 
 
 Then she directed us down a long hall, and 
 a young guy in a summer suit of white duck 
 stopped reading the newspaper long enough 
 to give Jim's nose the once over. 
 
 "Xo cause for alarm," says this bird. "The 
 nose will be about twice its normal size for a 
 day, that's all!" All! And, as if that wasn't 
 
 [23]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 enough, he painted the nose and all round it 
 with some brown stuff, which stopped the 
 bleeding but made Jim look like he was made 
 up for some sort of comedy act. Jim was per- 
 fectly sober by then and quit talking about 
 poison, and etc., and w r hen he was back in the 
 limousine I just let myself go and bawled him 
 out good and plenty. 
 
 "Xow see here, Jim," I says, "I've stuck 
 by you to-night long enough to make sure you 
 ain't goin' to die or nothin'; and now I'm 
 through !" 
 
 "You been just fine, Mary," says Jim, try- 
 ing to take my hand. I took it away quick. 
 
 "You don't get me!" I says. "I mean I'm 
 through for keeps. The engagement is 
 broken, and everything!" 
 
 "Whatter yer mean broken?" says Jim, 
 sort of dazed. 
 
 "Just that!" I snapped. "Here you get 
 tight and tnke a insult from a German; and, 
 as if that wasn't enough, you go farther and 
 get bit by a pro-German alligator! And you 
 don't even offer to fight the German who owns 
 the alligator, either! And, what's further- 
 more, you've got your face swoll up so's you 
 won't be able to dance to-morrow night; and 
 
 [2*]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 that iodine won't wash off; and the act is 
 crabbed in the bud do you get me? Crabbed! 
 And I'm through that's all! So don't never 
 come near me again 1" 
 
 Believe you me, Jim tried to make me listen 
 to reason ; but I couldn't hear no reason to lis- 
 ten to, and so wouldn't let him say much. Then 
 Jim got mad and bawled me out for breaking 
 my rule and going on the party, and by the 
 time we got to my place we wasn't speaking at 
 all not even good night or good-by forever I 
 
 II 
 
 FOR hours and hours after Ma got me to bed 
 I just lay there thinking and aching and feel- 
 ing all hot and ashamed and terribly lonesome, 
 and with my career all ruined because of the 
 Germans to say nothing of having been 
 obliged to become disengaged to Jim. 
 
 And then, just as I was nearly crazy won- 
 dering how I was to get my self-respect back, 
 I got a swell idea. I would enlist! Ladies 
 could. I remembered reading a piece in a 
 newspaper some place about yeowomen or 
 something. And as soon as I realized that I 
 could serve Uncle Sam and help get even with 
 
 [25]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 that bird, Von Hoffman, and the Kaiser and 
 the alligator, and lose my personal feelings in 
 public service, I got the most wonderfully easy 
 feeling round my heart and dropped right off 
 to sleep. But when I woke up in the morning 
 it was something fierce, the way I felt. Be- 
 lieve you me, it was just like I had ace Welsh 
 rabbit the night before, or something the 
 weight that was on my chest. At first I 
 couldn't make out just what it was. Then I 
 remembered. I had lost Jim! Of course I 
 hadn't lost him so much as shook him; but it 
 was all the same, or looked that way in the 
 cold gray dawn of ten A. M. 
 
 Honest to Gawd, I never knew how fond I 
 was of Jim until I woke up that day and real- 
 ized he was gone forever! But I wouldn't of 
 phoned him and say I'd changed ray mind- 
 not on a bet I wouldn't. And, anyways. I 
 hadn't changed my mind. The cv- fences be- 
 gun to pile up against him. I commenced to 
 remember how he had been away en some mys- 
 terious trips so many afternoons for the last 
 four or five months; and maybe with some 
 blonde, for all I knew. And then his going 
 to pieces like that over a r'ere alligator bite, 
 the way he done; and, worst of all, not hitting 
 
 [26]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 that German, even though in pain, and crab- 
 bing our act by getting bit on the nose. 
 
 The more I thought about it, the worser 
 I felt, laying there in retrospect and negligee. 
 And I couldn't see no way of us ever getting 
 together again even when he called up and 
 apologized; which, of course, I expected he 
 would do any minute. But he didn't; and by 
 the time Ma came in and routed me out of bed 
 I had myself worked up so's I was crying 
 something terrible, and hating Jim as hard as 
 I could, which would of been enough to kill 
 him only for the pain in my heart for loving 
 him. 
 
 While I ate only a light repast of ham and 
 eggs, and a little marmalade, and etc., Ma 
 made me tell her all; which I done the best 
 way I could with crying in between. And then 
 I told her about me having made up rny mind 
 to enlist. She was some surprised at that, 
 though not much. Ma, having lived through 
 two circuses and a trapeze act, it is sort of hard 
 to surprise her very much do you get me? 
 So all Ma says was: 
 
 "Well, Mary Gilligan!" says she. "Can la- 
 dies enlist? I had a idea," she says, "only gen- 
 tlemen was permitted." 
 
 [27]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 "No," says I. "I see a piece in the paper 
 where ladies can go in the navy yeowomen 
 they call them; a fancy name for a stenog- 
 rapher!" 
 
 "A whole lot too fancy!" says Ma, very 
 prompt. "And no daughter of mine, a decent, 
 respectable girl, is going sailing off on no bat- 
 tleship with a lot of sailors not to mention 
 submarines; not if I know it!" says Ma. "So, 
 Mary Gilligan, you may as well put that idea 
 out of your head, let alone you ain't a stenog- 
 rapher and couldn't learn it in a month." 
 
 "Well, Ma," I says, "maybe you're right; 
 and I do get seasick awful quick. But oh, 
 Ma! I got to enlist some place. Can't you 
 see the way I feel?" 
 
 Ma could. 
 
 "I know!" she says, very sympathetic. "I 
 was the same when your pa missed both the 
 third trapeze and the life net. I would of en- 
 listed when he died if there had been a war. 
 And, of course, you feel like Jim was dead. 
 How about the Red Cross?" 
 
 "Won't do for me," I says, prompt. "I 
 don't see myself sitting around in no shop, with 
 a dust cloth tied over my head, selling tickets. 
 I got to do something active or I'll go bugs!" 
 
 [28]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 Then Ma had a real idea. 
 
 "How about this here Woman's Automo- 
 bile Service?" says she. "The one I read you 
 the piece about? You're a woman and you got 
 a auto." 
 
 "Ma, you're a wonder!" I says. "Look up 
 the address while I get my hat on! Tell Mu- 
 sette to call for the limousine; and watch me 
 make a trial for my new job!" 
 
 So they done like I asked, and I kissed Ma 
 and Musette good-by; also the two fool dogs, 
 for I had a sort of feeling like I was going into 
 battle already. 
 
 "When Jim calls up tell him it's no good 
 he can't see me," says I, the last thing. And 
 then I set off in the limousine. 
 
 Well, I'd put on a very simple imported 
 model and a small hat, and only my diamond 
 earrings, and a brooch Jim had give me, when 
 we was first engaged, over my aching heart. I 
 wanted, above all things, to look refined; for, 
 even if the U. S. Army isn't always quite that, 
 still, this was a ladies' branch of it. And you 
 know what women can be especially in or- 
 ganizations ; though I admit I hadn't had much 
 previous experience with them, except the 
 White Kittens, which Ma insisted on me keep- 
 
 [29]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 ing up with and contributing to their annual 
 ball, because of she having always belonged. 
 And believe you me the scraps I seen at 
 some of their Execution Committee meetings 
 would make the Battle of the Marne look like 
 a pinochle post-mortem! 
 
 Well, as I was saying, I took no chances on 
 appearances of refinement in this case, not 
 knowing exactly what class of ladies would 
 be running the Woman's Automobile Service. 
 And, even when I got to their office, it took 
 me several minutes before I got the right dope 
 on them and their line do you get me? 
 
 In the first place, it wasn't at all like the 
 White Kittens' Headquarters, in the Palatial 
 Hotel ball-room. Instead, it was a shop on a 
 swell side street, with two very plain capable- 
 looking dark-green ambulances standing out- 
 side. My limousine had to stop next door on 
 account of them. 
 
 Well, I got out and walked across and into 
 that shop. And believe you me it was the 
 plainest place you ever saw; not even so much 
 as a flower or a rug to give it a womanly touch. 
 But neat! My Gawd! And there was three 
 young ladies there, all in the snappiest-looking 
 uniforms you ever want to see dark green, 
 
 [80]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 like the ambulances, with gold on the collar, 
 and caps like the Oversea's Army, and the 
 cutest leggings ! My ! 
 
 Maybe you think they looked like a chorus ? 
 They did not! They was as business-like as 
 English officers. Over in one corner a frowzy- 
 looking little dame was sitting, reading a book. 
 There wasn't no unnecessary furniture in the 
 place, and 'way at the back was a door marked 
 Captain Worth Private, which seemed funny. 
 
 The minute I come in one of the girls 
 jumped up and says what could she do for me? 
 
 I seen at once she was a perfect lady. 
 
 "I am Marie La Tour," I says in a very 
 quiet, low-pitched voice, like a drawing-room 
 act. 
 
 "Yes?" says she. "And what can I do for 
 you, Miss er 
 
 "La Tour!" I says again, as patient as pos- 
 sible. 
 
 But it was plain she didn't get me, even the 
 second time, though it's a cinch she heard me 
 all right, all right. But the name simply 
 didn't mean nothing in her young life. Was 
 I surprised? I was! Of course if I had said 
 "I am Mrs. Vernon Castle," and she didn't 
 know who it was, I wouldn't of got such a jolt. 
 
 [31]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 But Marie La Tour! Well, there's igno- 
 rance even among the educated, and I real- 
 ized this and didn't try to wise her up any. 
 After all, I was not out for publicity, but for 
 serving my country. Besides, I had heard 
 right along that the army was full of democ- 
 racy; and, of course, this was some of it. 
 
 "Well," I says, "I would like to enlist. My 
 heart is broken, but full of patriotism, and this 
 seemed a good place to come." 
 
 "Good!" says this young lady, which I had 
 noticed by this time she had a lieutenant's uni- 
 form on her, but not by any means intending 
 she was glad my heart was broken. "Good!" 
 she says. "Sit down and let me tell you about 
 our organization." 
 
 "Is it the regular army?" I asked. 
 
 "Xot yet," says she; "but we hope we will 
 eventually get official recognition. We are al- 
 ready used by the Government for dispatch 
 and ambulance service and as escorts and driv- 
 ers for officers and members of the various de- 
 partments; also, as government inspectors. So 
 you see it is a very live work." 
 
 "And it's a awfully pretty costume," I says; 
 "so snappy." 
 
 "The uniform is only the outward sign of 
 
 V 
 
 [32]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 what we are doing," says Miss Lieutenant. 
 "You have a car?" 
 
 "Outside," I says; "eight-thousand dollars, 
 and all paid for. You can have it if it's any 
 good to you. Ma always prefers the street 
 car anyways." 
 
 "Thank you; that is splendid!" says the lady 
 officer, very pleasant, but not exactly excited 
 over my offer which was some offer at that. 
 
 She took out a slip of paper and begun fill- 
 ing in some blanks on it. 
 
 First, the make of the car, and then the an- 
 swers to the questions she shot at me. 
 
 "Can we have it at a moment's notice?" she 
 said. "Yes? Good! Is it new? In good 
 condition? Do you loan or give it?" 
 
 "Give!" I says, brief. "I am not going to 
 be a piker to Uncle Sam." 
 
 At this the lady lieutenant actually came out 
 of her shell enough to give me a smile. 
 
 "That's the spirit!" she says. "We some- 
 times have as many as twenty offers of cars 
 a day. But, as a rule, they are half-time loans. 
 Can you drive?" 
 
 "Drive a horse?" says I. 
 
 "No, no," says the kid, serious again, "a car, 
 of course!" 
 
 [33]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 "Why, no," says I, feeling sort of cheap. 
 "Isn't there anything else I can do?" 
 
 "Plenty," she says, cheerfully; "but you will 
 have to learn to drive, first of all. You must 
 have a chauffeur's license, a doctor's certificate 
 of health, two letters of recommendation from 
 prominent citizens as to your loyalty and gen- 
 eral character, and a graduate's certificate from 
 a technical automobile school." 
 
 "Anything else?" I says, sort of faint. 
 
 "Well, of course, you will have to take the 
 nursing and first-aid course at St. Timothy's 
 Hospital," she says, "and the regular U. S. 
 Infantry drill. But that's about all." 
 
 "Do I have to learn all that stuff before I 
 can come in?" I asked, feeling about as small 
 as when I had my first try-out on the big time 
 circuit. 
 
 "Oh, no," says Miss Lieutenant; "you can 
 sign your application right away if you like. 
 Then you can come in immediately and start 
 rookie drill and the first-aid work with the 
 service while you are getting your technical 
 training." 
 
 Believe you me, my breath was about taken 
 away by all this stuff. I don't really know 
 now just what I did expect w r hen I first come 
 
 [34]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 into that shop, but I guess I had a sort of idea 
 they'd give me a big welcome and I'd get a 
 costume of some sort; and, after that well, I 
 don't really know. I certainly never expected 
 what they handed me. But I was game. 
 
 "When can I commence all this?" I says. 
 
 "When do you want to?" says Miss Lieu- 
 tenant. 
 
 "To-day," I says firmly. At this Miss 
 Lieutenant actualh 7 smiled again. 
 
 *J <~J 
 
 "Good!" savs she. "The minute you bring 
 
 V / 
 
 me that health certificate and those letters of 
 recommendation I'll sign you up and you can 
 start in at the Automobile Training School. 
 To-morrow morning is the time at St. Timo- 
 thy's Hospital and to-morrow afternoon is 
 rookie drill." 
 
 "And when is the auto school?" I says. 
 
 "Every afternoon," she says. 
 
 "Then," says I, "I'll get them letters and 
 the certificate here by noon. And if you O. K. 
 them I'll just start in this P. M. if it's all the 
 same to you." 
 
 "Good!" says Miss Lieutenant, evidently not 
 displeased, yet determined to show no emo- 
 tion. 
 
 Then she got up, indicating that our busi- 
 [35]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 ness was over, clicked her heels together like a 
 regular officer, and made a stiff little bow. 
 Oh, wasn't she professional, just! 
 
 "Well, I'll be back," I says, and started to 
 go. "I'm sure I can get everything but the 
 technical stuff; and I'll get that if I die of it!" 
 
 in 
 
 AND believe you me I had no idea how 
 near true them words was when I uttered them. 
 I was almost at the door when the frowzy lit- 
 tle dame in the corner, which I had forgotten 
 she was there, come over and touched me on 
 the arm. 
 
 "I beg your pardon, my dear," she says; 
 "but I want to tell you I think your spirit is 
 fine. And don't let any fear of the technical 
 course deter you. Even I was able to do it." 
 
 Was I surprised? I was! But she seemed 
 very sweet and kind, though so unnoticeable ; 
 so I just says thanks, and then believe you 
 me started out on some rush! 
 
 First of all, I hustled up to old Doc Al's 
 place, which Ma and me has him for a doctor; 
 though Gawd knows there ain't never a blessed 
 thing the matter with our healths. Still, since 
 
 [30]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 her trapeze days Ma has always felt that emer- 
 gencies do happen. Well, of course, he give 
 me a perfect certificate in less than ten min- 
 utes' time, and I was off to see Goldringer, 
 head of the dancing trust; and him and his 
 partner, Kingston, each give me a elegant let- 
 ter of recommendation, than which I could 
 scarcely of got letters from any more promi- 
 ent citizens unless, maybe, Pres. Wilson. 
 
 Well, anyways, I took all three recommends 
 down to the young lady lieutenant, and there 
 all was the same. Well, it was still lacking 
 five to twelve when I come in, and Miss Lieu- 
 tenant looked quite some surprised, though she 
 tried not to. The letters and the doc's certifi- 
 cate was O. K. ; and the first thing you know, 
 I was signed up and given three passes. One 
 for the auto school for two o'clock that same 
 P. M.; one for the hospital, calling for me to 
 be on hand for rehearsal of the nursing act at 
 nine o'clock next morning. The third was also 
 a call for rehearsal a outdoor drill in the park 
 at three P. M. next day. It looked like I was 
 going to have a busy life. 
 
 "Well," I says, "would you like the car 
 now?" I says. "I can walk home just as good 
 as not." 
 
 [37]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 "Xo, thanks," says Miss Lieutenant. "We 
 will call upon you for it when it is needed." 
 
 Believe you me, I was grateful for that, be- 
 cause I ain't used to hustling round in the early 
 morning, and I had hustled some this time. So 
 I climbed in and says "Home, James!" and 
 dropped in on the seat and was carried uptown 
 for lunch. 
 
 While on the way I got the first chance I'd 
 had all morning to think about Jim, and to 
 wonder what lie had said when he phoned to 
 apologize. And did the ache come back in my 
 heart when I got thinking of him? It did! 
 I felt almost sick with lonesomeness by the time 
 I got to the flat. And whattcr you think? 
 Jim hadn't phoned at all! Xot a peep out of 
 him! 
 
 At first I thought there must be some mis- 
 take; but after I'd rowed with the operator in 
 the hall, and with Ma and Musette both, I come 
 to realize that the split between me and Jim 
 was real that we was off each other sure 
 enough. And it was not so surprising that a 
 man which didn't hit a German whose alligator 
 had bit him wouldn't know how to treat a lady! 
 
 But somehow Jim's being so mean about not 
 phoning perked me up a lot and give me cour- 
 
 [38]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 age to think of going into that auto school. I 
 had commenced to be awful doubtful about it; 
 but Jim's neglect, together with the lunch Ma 
 had fixed, set me up a lot. And by one-thirty 
 by my wrist watch, and a quarter to two by 
 the mantel-piece clock, I had the strength to 
 struggle into a demitallieur, which is French 
 for any lady's suit costing over sixty dollars, 
 and get to the auto school by the time the lady 
 lieutenant had told them to expect me. 
 
 Oh, that auto school! The torture cham- 
 bers of this here Castle of Chillon has nothing 
 on it and believe you me the first set of 
 tools a person going into it needs is a mani- 
 cure set. The next thing they need is a good 
 memory, the kind which can get a twelve-hun- 
 dred-line part overnight; which no dancer can 
 nor is ever supposed to! 
 
 One thing 1 will say for that school, though 
 they was not such a ill-informed lot as the 
 Automobile Service. From the very minute 
 I set foot inside the place they knew who I 
 was, and the manager give me the pick of half 
 a dozen young fellows who was just filled with 
 patriotic longing to help me qualify for the 
 service. 
 
 After giving them the once over I finally 
 [39]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 decided on one lean-looking bird, who seemed 
 married, and quiet, and likely to teach me 
 something about the insides of an auto, instead 
 of asking me questions about the steps of the 
 Teatime Tango Trot, and did I feel the same 
 in my make-up ? 
 
 Well, the first thing this bird asks me is do 
 I know anything about a car? And I says, 
 know what? And he says, well, can I name 
 the parts of a car? And I says, yes; and he 
 says for me to name them. So I says color, 
 lining, flower holder, clock, speaking tube and 
 chauffeur. 
 
 Well, the bird says so far correct; but that 
 wasn't enough, and he guessed we better be- 
 gin at the more fundamental parts and would 
 I just step inside? 
 
 Well, it seems this auto school undertakes 
 to teach you everything about a car from the 
 paint on the body to the appendix, or mag- 
 neto, as it is called, in twenty lessons; which is 
 like trying to teach the Teatime Tango Trot, 
 with three hand-springs and twenty whirls 
 round your partner's neck, by mail for five 
 dollars. Which is to say it can't be done. 
 
 First off, the instructor hands you a bunch 
 of yellow papers with a lot of typewriting on 
 
 [40]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 them twenty sheets in all, or one per lesson, 
 and all you got to do is learn them good and 
 then put into practice what you learn; and 
 after that what you can't do to a car would fill 
 a book! 
 
 Well, after you grab this sheaf of stage bank 
 notes you look at number one and follow the 
 bird that's teaching you round the room while 
 he reels it off. I guess the idea of you hold- 
 ing the paper is to check him up if he makes 
 a mistake. Anyways, this bird let me in 
 among a flock of busted-looking pieces of ma- 
 chinery and begun talking fast. At first, I 
 didn't get him at all; but when I got sort of 
 used to it I realized he was saying something 
 like this: 
 
 "The crank shaft is a steel drop-forging hav- 
 ing arms extending from center of shaft ac- 
 cording to number of cylinders. It is used to 
 change the reciprocating movement of the pis- 
 ton into a rotary motion of the flywheel ; it has 
 a starting handle at one end and the flywheel 
 at the other, as you observe. We will now 
 pass on to the exhaust manifold, which is gen- 
 erally constructed of cast iron ; it conducts the 
 burned gases from the exhaust valve . . ." 
 
 "Hold on!" I says. "Exhaust is right! I'm 
 [41]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 exhausted this minute. If you don't mind I'd 
 like to sit down and talk sense, instead of lis- 
 tening to a phonograph monologue in a for- 
 eign language." 
 
 The instructor bird seemed sort of winded by 
 this; but he got a couple of chairs and pretty 
 soon we was sitting in a quiet corner talking 
 like we'd both been on the same circuit for five 
 years. 
 
 "Now listen here, brother," I says real ear- 
 nest; "I want to learn this stuff, and learn it 
 right ! And I want you to stick by me and see 
 me through, same as you would any male man 
 that come in here to learn to be a chauffeur. 
 Now take it easy and make me get it, and I'll 
 play square and do my best to understand, 
 without no nonsense." 
 
 "Say, you bet I will, Miss La Tour!" says 
 this bird, who, married or not, had some spirit 
 in him yet. "You bet I will! Y^ou see, a lot 
 of dames come in here just because they ain't 
 got nothing else to do. And you yourself 
 must realize that a guy can only go through 
 the motions when that's all they want." 
 
 Well, I could see that plain enough, and 
 from then on we got along like a new team of 
 partners with equal money in the act and go- 
 
 [42]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 ing big on thirty straight weeks' booking. 
 And believe you me there is a awful lot of 
 interesting things about a auto; only you 
 would never suspect it until you start to look 
 at what is under the hood and body. As to 
 understanding them all, you couldn't get it 
 all off of no twenty sheets of yellow paper, nor 
 twenty hundred, either! It's a career, really 
 understanding a machine is; just the same as 
 being a expert dancer. The guy that invented 
 all them parts and got them working together 
 certainly must of set up nights doing it. 
 
 Well, anyways, after two hours of lapping 
 up this dope I got so's I could actually tell the 
 cam shaft from the crank shaft and the dif- 
 ference between a cycle and a cylinder, which 
 was enough for one day. And then I rode 
 home to Ma. 
 
 Actually I had almost forgot to be miser- 
 able about Jim for two whole hours ! But when 
 I got home, and he hadn't phoned to apoligize 
 yet, it all came back over me, and I simply felt 
 that, automobiles and enlistments or no, I 
 wanted to die just die! I cried so bad that 
 even Ma couldn't make me mind, and I was so 
 tired I couldn't even taste the hot cakes she 
 had fixed. I do believe Ma would think of 
 
 [43]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 cooking something tasty if the world was com- 
 ing to a end the next minute. She'd be afraid 
 the recording angel would need a sandwich and 
 a cup of hot coffee to keep him going while he 
 was on the job. 
 
 But, anyways, they couldn't do nothing to 
 me, or get me to go to the Ritz or the theater 
 much less the midnight show; but the last did 
 not matter, because I was wore out and asleep 
 long before. And so Ma had to telephone 
 that Miss La Tour was suddenly ill and un- 
 able to appear. I made her swear not to phone 
 Jim nor let him in nor Roscoe, the publicity 
 man, if they was to come not on no account. 
 And so I slept poor child ! worn by the toss- 
 ing of the cruel ocean of life do you get me? 
 
 Well, next morning I w r as up long before 
 Musette, and would of been obliged to dress 
 unaided, only for Ma never having got used 
 to sleeping late, partly on account of her al- 
 ways taking a nap just after the matinee per- 
 formance when with the circus, and still con- 
 tinuing the habit. So Ma give me my coffee 
 and a big kiss, and promised not to tell Jim 
 nothing if he telephoned and I set off to be 
 at the hospital at nine A. M., according to or- 
 ders from Miss Lieutenant. 
 
 [44]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 Well, there has always been something about 
 a hospital I didn't care for much; not that I 
 have went to many only the night Jim got 
 bit by the alligator; and once, when me and 
 Jim was first engaged, he had a dog which we 
 had to take to the dog hospital. But believe 
 you me this St. Timothy's Hospital, was 
 quite different from the dog hospital. It was a 
 whole lot more like a swell hotel, with porters 
 and bell boys and clerks and elevators, and 
 everything except a cafe, as far as I could 
 make out; and I'm not sure about that, but I 
 don't suppose they had it. 
 
 I was so scared of being late that I was a 
 little early and had to wait in a office. Pretty 
 soon two or three other rookies come in; and, 
 being ladies, of course we didn't dare to speak 
 to each other at first. And then the ladies of 
 the Automobile Service commenced coming in, 
 wearing their uniforms. And were they a 
 fine-looking lot? They were! I sure did wish 
 
 CD / 
 
 I had a right to that costume ; and I had a feel- 
 ing that my heart wouldn't hurt near so bad, 
 even when thinking of Jim, once it was beat- 
 ing under that snappy-looking uniform coat in 
 Uncle Sam's service do you get me? 
 
 Well, about this time w r e were let go up- 
 [45]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 stairs in one of them regular hotel elevators, 
 the rookies still scared, the regular members 
 in good standing talking among theirselves, 
 though several spoke to me nice and friendly; 
 in particular, the little frowzy one which had 
 been reading the book the day before in the 
 office, but wasn't at all sloppy in her uniform. 
 
 Believe you me, I had a awful funny feeling 
 in the middle of my stomach going up in that 
 elevator, and not for the same reason as the 
 Metropolitan Tower or any of them tall build- 
 ings, either. It was because of not knowing 
 what was ahead of me and preparing for the 
 worst. After I'd seen the kind of stuff them 
 lady soldiers had to learn in the auto shop, it 
 seemed like about anything might be expected 
 of them in a mere hospital. So I got myself 
 all braced up so's if I had to cut off a leg, or 
 extract a tooth or anything, I'd be able to go 
 to it and not bat an eye-lash not outwardly, 
 anyway. 
 
 But things is seldom as bad as you figure in 
 advance not even first-night performances. 
 And the stuff which was actually put up to us 
 was simple as a ordinary one-step. At least, 
 it looked so from a distance. By distance I 
 mean this: When the nursing instructor a 
 
 [4(5]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 lady in a white dress, with the darndest-look- 
 ing little soubrette cap stuck 'way on the back 
 of her head when she stood up in front of the 
 lot of us and put a Velpeau bandage which is 
 French for sling, I guess, and looks it on one 
 of the lady soldiers who was acting as manne- 
 quin, why, it looked easy. 
 
 While she was putting it on she handed us 
 a line of talk something like that bird at the 
 auto school, only not so fluent. And when 
 she got through it was up to the rest of us to 
 put the Velpeau bandages on each other. 
 Gawd knows it w r as no cinch. 
 
 First, I set down, and a girl in uniform 
 asked could she wrap me up. Well, it just 
 naturally rumpled my Georgette blouse; but 
 what's a blouse to a patriot? I let her go to 
 it, and she done it so good and so quick that it 
 was all over before I knew it, as the dentist 
 says; and then it was up to me. Somebody 
 give me a nice new roll of bandage and told me 
 to get a model. 
 
 Well, I didn't have the nerve to ask any 
 one, me being so new and the name Marie La 
 Tour not meaning anything to nobody here. 
 And so here was me standing round like a fool, 
 not knowing how to commence, when up comes
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 that lady her which had been so sloppy read- 
 ing a book in the office. 
 
 "Can't I be your model?" she offered, and 
 believe you me I could of almost cried, I 
 was so glad to have somebody take notice of 
 me. 
 
 I liked that dame more each time I seen her; 
 she sure was refined. Even her sloppiness was 
 refined do you get me? 
 
 Well, as to real work, that sheaf of yellow 
 papers up to the auto school had nothing on 
 the bandaging game when it co . e to under- 
 standing it properly. Believe you me, that 
 bandage had a will of its own, and the only way 
 to make it mind would of been to step on it and 
 kill it. But after a little I managed to tic 
 up the lady pretty good, and before I was 
 done I had my mind made up that IMusette had 
 lost her regular job and was going to be a ban- 
 dage manneruin from that P. M. on until I 
 got the hang of the thing. 
 
 Well, when the scramble of putting on the 
 bandage was over and past, we was told that 
 after we get on to the theory we'd be sent down 
 to the Charity Ward for two solid weeks and 
 practice what we'd learned. 
 
 Well, I thought, if I ever get there Gawd 
 [48]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 help the charity patients! I guess the two 
 weeks won't qualify me for the Auto Service. 
 More likely I'll he ready for the Battalion of 
 Death, or whatever they call them Russian 
 women ! 
 
 Well, when the bandages was all gathered 
 up we \vas dismissed, as they call it, and told to 
 report for drill in a certain place in the park, 
 it being a fine day. 
 
 I must say I didn't think a whole lot of the 
 hospital end of the game, because it wasn't 
 pleasant. Of course I had no intention to quit 
 in any way, but it sort of depressed me, what 
 with all that sickness going on round me and 
 the talk about wounds and bandages. And so 
 my mind wasn't took off Jim, like it was by 
 the auto work, me having a heart which needed 
 a little bandaging only that can't be done, 
 of course. 
 
 IT 
 
 WELL, on the way home I cried some more. 
 And well I might. For when I got there had 
 Jim phoned? He had not! Xobody but 
 Goldringer, the manager, and Roscoe, the 
 publicity man, and a few unimportant nuts like 
 
 [49]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 that, and some of the newspapers. Ma had 
 stalled them off pretty good by saying it was 
 impossible to disturb me. 
 
 And it seems these people hadn't been able 
 to locate Jim anywheres, either. At first that 
 sounded sort of funny to me ; but when I come 
 to think it over I realized about his nose, where 
 the alligator had bit him and the doctor had put 
 on the brown stuff, from which he wouldn't 
 naturally care to be seen only no one could 
 say that it would prevent him using the phone, 
 which I also realized. 
 
 Well, after I eat a little liver and bacon, 
 and so on, which Ma had fixed for me, and cried 
 some, which made me feel better again, I 
 started out for drill; which means that now 
 comes the real important part of what hap- 
 pened and the true measure of the tale, as the 
 poet says, 
 
 Well, it seems we rookies and I must pause 
 to mention that I don't like that word rookies ; 
 it sounds like something that would get the 
 hook amateur nights. Well, as I was saying, 
 we rookies was told to report at three o'clock 
 for a private drill, all of our very own. But 
 I was on to the fact that the regular members 
 in good standing would be there ahead of us 
 
 [50]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 to do well what we was about to do badly. So 
 I thought I would go early and sit out in 
 front, or whatever was the same thing, and try 
 and get a line on how it was done. 
 
 Believe you me, there ain't many steps I 
 can't get by seeing them done once; and if I 
 was to of gone up to the Palace and watch 
 Castle, or Rock and White, or any one of 
 them, when I come away I could do the steps 
 they pulled as good as if I had invented them! 
 
 Well, this was my idea in going up and see- 
 ing the ladies drill. So there I was at the park 
 bright and early on a fine sunny afternoon, 
 with the ladies all in uniform. But I wasn't 
 in any too much time, for I'd no sooner got 
 there than a big roughneck of a feller a regu- 
 lar U. S. drill sergeant, I found out after 
 come up and yelled: "Fall in!" Just as rude 
 as any stage director I ever seen! But the 
 ladies didn't seem to mind a bit. They didn't 
 fall into no 'Jung though; they just hustled into 
 line and stood there. 
 
 "Ten-shun!" says the feller. And they all 
 stood like a chorus when the stage manager is 
 telling them he is going to quit the show if they 
 don't learn no better, and they're a bunch of 
 
 [51]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 fatheads, and he's going to get them fired. In 
 other words, they stood perfectly still. 
 
 Well, after that it was something grand, 
 what those ladies did. I will say that when I 
 come down to the park that afternoon I 
 thought maybe I'd see some pretty fair chorus 
 work; you know formations, and etc. But 
 tills w r as no chorus work, it was soldiering. I 
 never seen anything neater in my life. Was it 
 snappy? It was! And when I thought how 
 that bunch of ladies knew all about autos from 
 soup to nuts, and about bandages, and etc., 
 believe you me that drill was the finishing 
 touch. 
 
 For once in my life, I was anxious to be in 
 the chorus, even in the back line. Eut not for- 
 ever not much! Believe you me, I made up 
 my mind that, once I was really in it, I was 
 going to work for a speaking part like I never 
 worked before. And meantime I started in 
 that direction by trying to figure out just what 
 the ladies did when the stage manager I 
 mean, officer hollered at them. And be- 
 lieve you me I had the turn-on-the-heel and 
 push-off-with-the-toe idea on that right-and- 
 left face stuff long before the regular members 
 
 [52]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 in good standing was dismissed and we lady 
 rookies was called. 
 
 Well, the same roughneck which had drilled 
 the others had us simps wished on to him; and 
 the first thing he done was to get us in a row 
 you couldn't properly call it a line and then 
 stand out in front and look at us sort of hope- 
 less and discouraged, like a good director which 
 has just finished with a bunch of old-timers 
 and is starting with green material for the back 
 row. Then he commenced talking. 
 
 Well, while this bird was getting off a line 
 of talk about us now being soldiers of the 
 U. S. A. and that being no joke to him or us, 
 and etc., and etc., but no instructions in it, I 
 let my mind wander just a little, on account 
 of me having enlisted for deeper reasons than 
 any he mentioned and him quite incapable of 
 strengthening them. 
 
 And while my mind wandered this little bit, 
 and I was thinking how funny it felt to be back 
 in the chorus do you get me? I happened to 
 take a look at the houses facing the park. And 
 believe you me I got a jolt, for there we 
 was standing right opposite Ruby lloselle's 
 house ! 
 
 Well, I was that astonished to realize it you 
 [53]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME' 
 
 could of knocked me over with a sudden noise! 
 Up to then I had been so interested in the other 
 ladies and what they was doing I hadn't even 
 noticed it. 
 
 And then, before I could really commence 
 to think what a awful thing it would be if Ruby 
 was to look out of the window and see me 
 standing there, and think I was just in some 
 chorus, and maybe that nasty Von Hoffman 
 with her, and the both of them laughing their 
 fool heads off, the officer says "Ten-shun!" he 
 says. And, of course, I tenshuned, because 
 of me being anxious to get everything he said 
 when it come to instruction, and get it right. 
 
 Well, lie told us a lot of dope on one thing 
 at a time after he had got us in line, with the 
 tallest at the right hand, which was me. And 
 he told us very simple and then made us do it; 
 and no camouflage, because believe you nic- 
 he could spot any lady which done it wrong 
 quick as a flash. 
 
 I will say he didn't have a whole lot of 
 trouble with me, partly on account of me hav- 
 ing had similar work before, and also my feet 
 taking to new things so easy. But it took me 
 about ten inutes to see that my patent Ox- 
 fords, with the Looie heels, was never going 
 
 [54]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 to do for this work. Though I hate to say 
 it, the other ladies sure did bother him a lot. 
 They eouldn't seem to mind quick enough. 
 And he had a lot of trouble making them keep 
 at attention. 
 
 Every time we'd be that way, just to show 
 what I mean, the lady next to me would forget 
 and powder her nose. Oh, that wasn't no new 
 sight to me! I seen worse in my day until 
 they get used to it. But did that officer get 
 mad? He did! 
 
 "Whatter ye think ye're at?" he yells. "A 
 pink tea? Cut that stuff now! Attention is 
 attention and youse is standing at it," he says. 
 "The worst crime youse can commit is move 
 without permission." 
 
 And believe you me I sympathized with 
 him, I did, little knowing what I was about to 
 do next my ownself. 
 
 Alas, that in ladies obedience comes so much 
 harder than following out a impulse ! For the 
 officer had no sooner uttered them words, and 
 I agreed with him, than I went back on him 
 something terrible. 
 
 It was this way: As I explained, we was 
 drilling in the park, and not alone in the park 
 but also opposite Ruby Roselle's house. Well, 
 
 [55]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 of course, we was drilling on a open piece of 
 grass, but at one side of this here grass was 
 fancy bushes; you know hedges and what 
 not. And me, being on the end of the line, 
 was nearest them bushes. 
 
 Well, as the sergeant was speaking I seen 
 something move under one of them bushes; 
 and, as Heaven is my witness, there was that 
 pro-German alligator which had bit Jim on the 
 nose and started all my troubles. There he 
 was, walking very slowly, gold-and-diamond 
 collar and all, and by his lone self, with no- 
 body to protect him! 
 
 Well, I never stopped to think or salute, or 
 ask nothing of nobody. All I knew for the 
 time was that that damn alligator had some- 
 how got out on his own, and that this was the 
 chance of a lifetime. So, without more ado, 
 I fell right out of attention and rushed over 
 and reached into the bushes and grabbed the 
 alligator by the tail. 
 
 Well, the officer hollered something at me, I 
 don't know what, and all the ladies commenced 
 screaming. And was I scared of that alliga- 
 tor? I was! But I held him up by the tail, 
 and it didn't take me two minutes to find out 
 
 [56]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 that he couldn't bite me that way; and then 
 my scare was gone. 
 
 I felt so good about getting him I didn't 
 even care much what w r as being said at me by 
 the drill sergeant. I just stood there holding 
 tight to the alligator's tail and grinning all over 
 myself. But up come Miss Lieutenant, who 
 had been watching our drill the one which had 
 signed me up and she was as mad as a hor- 
 net, only having a awful time trying not to 
 laugh. 
 
 "What's this?" she says, indignant. 
 
 Fortunately the alligator was in my left 
 hand; so I saluted. 
 
 "Enemy alien alligator!" I says. 
 
 "Dismissed from the ranks!" she says. 
 "And report to Sergeant Warner at Head- 
 quarters at five o'clock." 
 
 Gee, but that made me feel bad! But she 
 wouldn't listen to no explanations at all, and 
 there was nothing for me to do except walk 
 off to where the limousine was waiting. And, 
 in a way, I was glad, because suppose Ruby 
 had of looked out and saw the alligator in my 
 hand ! I couldn't of got away with him. 
 
 As things w r ent, I got him safe into the lim- 
 ousine. And believe you me I didn't 
 
 [57]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 dare set him down for a minute for fear of his 
 trying to get even with me; and so I was 
 obliged to hold him at arm's length until we 
 got home, which it is a good thing that it wasn't 
 very far. 
 
 Well, when we got home you ought to of 
 seen the elevator boys get out of the way! I 
 walked in holding on to the alligator ; and once 
 I got to the flat there was Ma sitting 1 in the 
 Looie-the-IIead- Waiter drawing-room, read- 
 ing a cook-book. When she seen what I had 
 I must say that for once she acted kind of sur- 
 prised. 
 
 Of course, she ain't usually surprised, not 
 after her having twice seen sudden death in the 
 center riii^, and the circus went on just the 
 same. But alligators coming in unexpected is 
 rather out of the usual. So Nil -narked her 
 place at sauces for fish, and took oft Irjr glasses 
 so's she could see good, and give me the kind 
 of stare she used to hand out when I got dirt 
 on my Sunday-school dress. 
 
 "Why, Mary Gilligan!" she says "For the 
 land's sakes, where did you get that?" 
 
 "Caught it on the wing!" I says, very sarcas- 
 tic, on account of my arm being nearly broke. 
 "Can vou cook it for supper?" I savs. 
 
 [58]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 "Well," she says. "I guess I can. What is 
 it? A mock turtle?" 
 
 "It's a pro-German alligator," I says. "And 
 if you'll just kindly help me instead of stand- 
 ing there staring at it, we'll intern it some place 
 so's I can leave my arm get a rest." 
 
 Well, we certainly had a fierce time finding 
 something to put him in, owing to us not being 
 able to agree about what kind of a place he 
 belonged. Ma was all for the goldfish bowl, 
 claiming it was his native element; and Mu- 
 sette, who come in, thought the canary cage 
 was better. But, realizing he couldn't jump 
 very high, I had them get a big hat-box, and 
 set him in that. 
 
 "And now what are you going to do with 
 him?" says Ma as we all stood 'round looking 
 at him; and my two fool dogs barking their 
 heads off on account of a mistaken idea they 
 had that he was a new pet. "What are you 
 going to do with him?" says Ma. 
 
 "Unless you cook him, I don't know," I 
 says "except for one thing: I'm going to take 
 that gold-and-diamond collar offen that brute 
 and sell it and give the money to the American 
 Red Cross; and I'm going to do it now!" 
 
 Believe you me, I was mad at that alligator! 
 [59]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 And no wonder! Just look at all the trouble 
 he made me! So I didn't waste any time get- 
 ting action against him. First off, I per- 
 suaded Ma, who was real brave, to hold a ice 
 pick down on his nose good and firm, so's he 
 couldn't open his face. Then I managed, 
 after a lot of trouble, to get that be jeweled 
 sinful collar off his neck. And was it a swell 
 collar? It was! 
 
 As soon as I had it off we just left that 
 alligator interned in the hatbox and looked the 
 collar over good. It was made all of a piece 
 and the jewels were certainly wonderful. I 
 know quite a lot about them, me and Ma al- 
 ways having invested that way when we had 
 a little extra cash. 
 
 Well, as we was looking the stones over 
 carefully, I happened to rub one which was 
 close to the snap, sort of sideways, and right 
 off something happened: That there collar 
 parted yes, sir; parted! the lining from the 
 outside, and in the place between the setting 
 and the inside frame was a couple of thin slips 
 of paper! 
 
 Well believe you me it didn't take me 
 long to get the idea; not after having a father 
 and a mother which had been in the circus and 
 
 [GO]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 had to think quick, and me having been asso- 
 ciated with dramatic stuff all my life do you 
 get me ? You do ! 
 
 What with that collar having come off a 
 alligator which I was already convinced was 
 a pro-German, and knowing Von Hoffman 
 had give it to Ruby Roselle, and got her to 
 sing Overseas in that nasty costume made out 
 of the national colors, which should never be 
 done, I seen everything clear. Von Hoffman 
 had a German job of some kind! 
 
 And when I unfolded those papers and seen 
 they was full of funny little marks like a ste- 
 nographer makes and then can't read, I real- 
 ized that I had happened in on it ; and so will 
 any intelligent public. 
 
 Well, was Ma and Musette full of ques- 
 tions? They was! But I didn't wait to an- 
 swer none of them ; for I realized, also, that it 
 was almost five o'clock, and I was supposed to 
 report at Headquarters for a bawling-out at 
 that time. And, after me having broken the 
 rules once, I had no wish to do it again so soon. 
 
 Well, I just grabbed up the collar and the 
 papers, and a clean pair of gloves, as the alli- 
 gator had completely ruined what I had, and, 
 having on my hat, waited not to explain, but 
 
 [61]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 made a dash for the street. And by a big piece 
 of luck there was the limousine, still stand- 
 ing outside on account of I having forgot to 
 tell John to go. Well, I told him "Head- 
 quarters!" and off we started; and I got there 
 just on the dot of five o'clock. 
 
 Well, Miss Lieutenant was there, and a Miss 
 Sergeant the one I was reporting to and 
 that frowzy-looking lady I have spoke of be- 
 fore, and several other ladies, still in their uni- 
 forms. And while I was explaining, in comes 
 the captain, which she certainly is a smart 
 woman. And they all listened while I re- 
 ported and told the whole story about Ruby 
 and me and Jim and Von Hoffman and the 
 alligator. Then I saluted and handed over 
 said collar and papers in evidence; and then 
 the captain spoke up : 
 
 "This material, which is undoubtedly in a 
 foreign code, will be of interest to the Secret 
 Service," she says. "This Von Hoffman is 
 probably one of those persons who are active 
 in the obviously deliberate effort to cheapen 
 and degrade the quality of our patriotism," 
 she says; "for I have heard that is part of the 
 German propaganda here. 
 
 "Private La Tour, in view of the unusual 
 [62]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 circumstances, you are excused for your action 
 in leaving ranks without permission," she 
 says; "but next time remember to get your 
 salute recognized," she says "even under ex- 
 treme conditions." 
 
 Then she went on, and she says: 
 
 "I understand you have given your car," 
 she says. "Some member in uniform will take 
 this evidence downtown in Private La Tour's 
 car," she says, "which we now accept for the 
 service." . 
 
 Then she walked into her office, which said 
 Private on it, and closed the door; and I 
 watched one of the ladies in uniform go away, 
 w r ith the collar and the papers, in my limousine. 
 
 And after she had went I got a terrible 
 scare, for it come over me all of a sudden that 
 I hadn't even a nickel change on me to buy car 
 fare home! 
 
 Well, just as I was standing there won- 
 dering how I was going to hoof it after the 
 trying day I had had, that frowzy lady comes 
 up to me, real kind, like she could almost see 
 what I was thinking of ; and she says : 
 
 "May I take you home in my car, Miss La 
 Tour?" she says. "I have seen you dance so 
 
 [63]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 often that I feel as though I knew you. I am 
 Mrs. Pieter van Norden." 
 
 Just get that, will you, will you? Her that 
 I had been modeling myself on for refinement 
 for years! And would you believe it? on 
 
 / * 
 
 the way home she told me she had been trying 
 to dance like me since the first time she seen me! 
 
 Well believe you me I felt so good over 
 this, and over having got the goods on Von 
 Hoffman, and about being excused for mak- 
 ing that bad break at drill, and not getting 
 fired out of the Automobile Service, that I 
 only commenced feeling bad about Jim and me 
 again after Mrs. Van Xorden had left me at 
 the door of my place, and I was going up in 
 the elevator. 
 
 As I was letting myself in with my key I 
 got so low in my mind again that I felt I would 
 just die if Jim hadn't phoned; and I knew he 
 hadn't, for I'd given up hope. Well, I 
 opened the door and went in. And then I 
 got another shock; for right in the middle of 
 the drawing-room stood Jim. 
 
 Well, first off, I didn't know him on account 
 of him being in khaki; but when he turned 
 around I nearly died for sure! But I didn't 
 actually die. What I done is nobody's busi- 
 
 [64]
 
 LADIES ENLIST 
 
 ness but mine and Jim's. But I will say it was 
 a second lieutenant-of-aviation uniform; and 
 they show powder on the shoulder something 
 terrible. 
 
 And he had been studying for months; and 
 that's where he was every afternoon, and not 
 out with some blonde, and wouldn't tell me for 
 fear he wouldn't get it! 
 
 And I'm going to dance alone at night until 
 he comes back, and all day drive a truck or 
 something to release a man. And that's the 
 whole inside story of the split, which is now 
 readily seen is not a fight at all, at least not yet 
 for we got married at once. 
 
 So, only one thing more: Regarding that 
 alligator, Ma decided he would be too hard to 
 cook. So Jim took him to camp for a mascot, 
 and by the time he got through there he learned 
 to understand American believe you me ! 
 
 [63}
 
 II 
 
 PRO BOXEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 AIX'T it remarkable the way the war has 
 changed the way we look at a whole lot of 
 things? Take wrist-watches for one. Before 
 the military idea was going so strong on its 
 present booking but a little w r hile, wrist- 
 watches had grabbed off a masculine standing 
 for themselves, and six months before no real 
 man would of been willingly found dead in 
 one! 
 
 Then take newspapers! Oncet we used to 
 look at them for news, and now w r e just look 
 at them. It's kind of a nervous habit, I guess. 
 And take simple little things like coal and 
 sugar. Why once we paid no attention to 
 them and now we look at them real respectful 
 when we see them. Which leads me on to 
 say that the war has brought us to look at a 
 great many things we never even seen before, 
 
 [GG]
 
 PRO BONE HE AD TUBLICO 
 
 not if they was right under our noses. That's 
 how I come to see that letter from the W.S.S. 
 Committee and would to Heaven I had not, 
 as the poet says. For although believe you 
 me most of the mail order goods a person 
 buys is pretty apt to be as rep. because why 
 would a customer write again which had been 
 stung once, and thrift stamps is no exception, 
 it certainly will be a long time before I fall so 
 easy for anything the postman slips me. Next 
 time I'll recognize that his whistle is a note 
 of warning to more than them which has un- 
 paid bills, which I have not and so never lis- 
 tened for him. 
 
 Well, anyways, the time this little trouble 
 maker reached my side, I had slipped into a 
 simple little lounging suit of pink georgette 
 pajamas, and was lying on the day-bed in a 
 regular wallow of misery on account of won- 
 dering if Jim was dead on the gory fields of 
 France, or was it only the censor do you get 
 me? I was laying there rubbing a little cold 
 cream onto my nose and thinking how would 
 it feel to be always able to do so without los- 
 ing my husband's love, which, of course, would 
 mean he had died at the front, when in comes 
 Ma with a couple of letters. I give one shriek 
 
 [67]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 and sprung to my feet, like a regular small- 
 time drama, and grabbed them off her, cold 
 cream and all. And then slunk back upon the 
 day-bed and despair when I seen they weren't 
 from Jim. Ma stood there with her hands on 
 her hips until she seen I wasn't going to break 
 any bad news to her, when she left me in peace 
 to read them. That is she meant to, but be- 
 lieve you me, it was far from it as Ma went 
 into our all-paid-for gold furnished parlour 
 and commenced playing on the pianola which 
 Jim had give me for a souvenir before he 
 sailed, and Ma, being sort of heavy and strong, 
 after twenty-five years with a circus, she has a 
 fierce touch. 
 
 Well, anyways, after she had got "Soft and 
 Low" going strong with the loud pedal and no 
 expression, I opened the first envelope. It was 
 my copy of my new contract with Goldringer 
 all signed and everything and calling for only 
 twenty minutes of my first class A-l parlour 
 dancing act in his new musical show at the 
 Springtime Garden entitled "Go To It" and 
 which let all persons know that the party of 
 the first part hereinafter called the manager 
 was willing and able to pay Miss Marie La 
 Tour, party of the second ditto, one thousand 
 
 [G8]
 
 PRO BONEIIEAD PUBLICO 
 
 dollars a week. Which certainly was some 
 party to look foreward to and scarcely any 
 work to speak of, a refined act like mine not 
 calling for over three handsprings and some 
 new steps, which is second nature to me and I 
 generally make up a few every night for my 
 own amusement same as some of those fellows 
 which play the piano by hand do you get n;e? 
 
 Well, anyways, when I had looked the con- 
 tract over good and seen it really was, as I 
 had before realized in the office, more than sat- 
 isfactory, I salted it away in my toy safe which 
 was nicely built into the mantel-piece for the 
 greater convenience of burglars, and then I re- 
 membered the other envelope. All unsuspect- 
 ing as a table d'hote guest, I opened the en- 
 velope, and then almost dropped dead. 
 
 It was from President Wilson! 
 
 Believe you me, I leaned up against the art- 
 gray wall paper and prepared to faint after I 
 had rend the news. But instead of commenc- 
 ing, "I regret to inform you of the death in 
 battle," or something like that, it started: 
 
 "THE WHITE HOUSE, 
 
 "Washington, D. C. 
 
 "I earnestly appeal to every man, woman 
 [69]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 and child to pledge themselves to save con- 
 stantly and to buy as regularly as possible the 
 securities of the Government; and to do this 
 as far as possible through membership in War 
 Savings Societies. 
 
 "The man who buys War Savings Stamps 
 transfers his purchasing power to the United 
 States Government. 
 
 "May there be none unenlisted in the great 
 volunteer army of production and saving here 
 at home. 
 
 "WOODEOW WILSON." 
 
 Woodrow Wilson! Signed and addressed 
 to me! Of course it didn't exactly begin 
 "Dear Miss La Tour" or anything like that, 
 and he had signed it with a rubber stamp or 
 something which I did not hold against him 
 in the least, me realizing at once what a busy 
 man he must be. But coming as it done in- 
 stead of a death-notice which I had by this 
 time fully expected after no letter for over a 
 month, it got to me very strong. It made me 
 feel all of a sudden that I was a pretty punk 
 patriot lounging around in pink georgette 
 pajamas which believe you me is no cos- 
 tume for war-work and felt like going right 
 
 [70]
 
 PRO BOXEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 off and borrowing- one of the gingham house- 
 dresses which I have never been able to break 
 Ma of, only, of course, it would of been too 
 big and anyways what would I of done after 
 I had it pinned around me? Which could be 
 said of a whole lot of folks which were rush- 
 ing into uniforms of their own inventing. 
 
 Well, anyways, after the first shock was 
 over, I seen there was an enclosure with the 
 President's letter. This was from some com- 
 mittee which had a big W.S.S. lable printed 
 at the top and a piece out of the social regis- 
 ter printed underneath, and was dated X. Y. 
 It begun more personal. 
 
 "Dear .Miss La Tour," it said. "As a 
 woman so prominent in the theatrical world, 
 we feel sure that you would be glad to take 
 an active interest in the great Thrift movement 
 which is now before the country. Will you not 
 form a theatrical women's committee that will 
 pledge the sale of twenty-five thousand dol- 
 lars' worth of stamps on the first of the month? 
 The first of every month will be observed as 
 Thrift Stamp Day, and we will be glad to fur- 
 nish you with all literature, stamps, etc., if 
 you will notify headquarters of your willing- 
 ness to do this work." 
 
 [71]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 The letter was signed by some guy which it 
 was impossible to read his name because he 
 hadn't used no rubber stamp but did it by hand 
 and had other things on his mind. But did I 
 care? I did not! Believe you me, I had al- 
 ready decided to do like he asked, and why 
 would I need to know his name when I wasn't 
 going to write to him anyways, but to Mr. Wil- 
 son? Dancing as long as I have which is about 
 fifteen years or since I could walk, pretty near, 
 and not only professionally but drawing my 
 OWTI contracts from the time most sweet young 
 things is thinking over their graduation 
 dresses, I have learned one thing, if no other. 
 Always do business with the boss, Refuse to 
 talk to all office boys, get friendly with the 
 lady stenographer, if there is one, but do all 
 business with the one at the head and no 
 other! This motto has saved me no end of 
 time which has been spent in healthy exercise 
 under my own roof and Ma's eagle eye, which 
 otherwise might have wore out the seats of 
 outside-office chairs. 
 
 And so I concluded that I'd sit right down 
 that minute and let Mr. Wilson know I was 
 on the job. I knew I had some writing paper 
 someplace and after I had took a lot of pow- 
 
 [72]
 
 PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 der and chamois and old asperin tablets out of 
 the desk I dug it up: a box of handsome 
 velour-fmish tinted slightly pink, with en- 
 velopes to match. And I got hold of a pen 
 and some ink which Musette, my maid, had 
 overlooked, she being a great writer to her 
 young man which is French and Gawd knows 
 how fluent she writes him in it, only of course 
 being born over there certainly makes a differ- 
 ence. 
 
 Well, anyways, I cleaned off the desk and 
 rubbed the cream off my nose and hands and 
 set down to write that letter. And believe 
 you me it was some job. I guess I must 
 of commenced a dozen times and tore them 
 up with formal openings do you get me? 
 And then I realized that the box of pink tinted 
 was getting sort of low and I had better waste 
 not want not, and so determined to just be 
 natural in what I wrote but not take up his 
 time with too long a letter. So at last I threw 
 in the clutch, gave myself a little gas, and we 
 was off, to this effect. 
 
 "My dear Mr. Wilson: 
 
 "Many thanks for yours of the 25th inst. 
 Will at once get busy at helping to make the 
 
 [73]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 first of the month savings day instead of un- 
 paid-bill day. 
 
 "Cordially, 
 
 "MARIE LA TOUR." 
 
 This seemed refined and to the point, and 
 although I was awful tempted to put a P.S. 
 asking did they know anything about Jim, I 
 left off on account of me not believing in ask- 
 ing personal favors of the Government just 
 now, as the war office was probably medium 
 busy and the Censor might answer first, at 
 that. So I just sealed it up as it was, and 
 about then Ma left off playing on my souvenir 
 and came in with a pink satin boudoir cap down 
 tight over her head. Ma just can't seem to get 
 over the idea that boudoir caps at five dollars 
 and up per each is a sort of de lux housework 
 garment. 
 
 "I'm just going in the kitchen and beat up 
 a few cakes for lunch," said Ma, and with- 
 drew, leaving me to lick on three cents and 
 shoot the letter fatefully and finally down the 
 drop near the gilt-bird-cage elevator of our 
 home-like little flat. I felt awfully relieved 
 and chesty somehow when it was done and with 
 her good news ringing in my ears. I*\>r Ma is 
 
 [74]
 
 PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 certainly some cook, and she lias it all over our 
 chef, who believe you me knows she would 
 never be missed if she went although Ma sim- 
 ply can't learn to stay out of the kitchen. And 
 while she was busy with the butter and eggs 
 and sugar and wheat flour, I was deciding to 
 call a committee, because I knew that was the 
 way you generally start raising twenty-five 
 thousand dollars worth of anything, except a 
 personal note. 
 
 Committee meetings is comparative strang- 
 ers to me except the White Kittens Annual 
 Sail, and a few benefit performances which 
 last is usually for the benefit of those which 
 are to be in it, they leaving aside all considera- 
 tion of the benefit of the audience much less of 
 the charity it is supposed to be for, and 
 the main idea being how long each actor can 
 hold the spotlight. You may have noticed 
 how these benefit performances runs on for 
 hours. 
 
 Well, anjnvays, I having been to several 
 such as of course the best known parlour danc- 
 ing act in America and the world, like mine 
 undoubtedly is, is never overlooked. And I 
 knew we had to get a place with a big table 
 and chairs set around it and then the commit- 
 
 [75]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 tee was started. So the White Kittens always 
 having met in the Grand Ball Room of the 
 Palatial Hotel, I called up the place and hired 
 the room for the next morning at twelve- 
 thirty, me being determined that my Theatrical 
 Ladies Committee should get there directly 
 after breakfast. The cost of the room was one 
 hundred dollars, and I didn't know was the 
 Government to pay it or us, but I was, of 
 course, willing to do it myself if necessary. 
 Anyways it was a committee-room, I knew 
 that by reason of my having sat in it as such 
 at least twice each year since the place was built 
 way back in '13. Then all I had to do was 
 get my committee. 
 
 I had just about dived for the telephone book 
 to see who would I call up, when Ma come in, 
 taking off the pink satin cap and wiping her 
 face. 
 
 "I made a omlette!" said Ma. "Come catch 
 it before it falls!" 
 
 And so I called it the noon-whistle though 
 some might of called it a day, and we went in 
 and while we ate only a simple little lunch of 
 the omlette (which we got at first base) and 
 liver and bacon and cold roast beef and a few 
 stewed prunes with the fresh cake, I told Ma 
 
 F76]
 
 PRO BOXEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 about what had happened, and how I had al- 
 ready got after the job. 
 
 "Well, Mary Gilligan, you done the right 
 thing!" said Ma. "And what kind of costume 
 are you going to wear?" 
 
 "The notices don't say anything about a uni- 
 form," I explained to her. "And I'm pretty 
 sure you don't need any. This is the sort of 
 thing our leading society swells are taking up 
 so heavy," I says, "and to do it is not only pa- 
 triotic but feminine to the core," I says. 
 
 "Will you have to stand on the street-cor- 
 ners and worry the life out of folks?" Ma 
 wanted to know. 
 
 "Xot much!" I says. "That stuff is for the 
 ^ioi-poli and idle rich and kids and unemployed. 
 That's where some of the new democracy comes 
 in. Us with brains is to do the office work. 
 Them with good hearts only can do theirselves 
 and the country more service in the stores and 
 street-cars selling something that don't belong 
 to them," I says, "and believe you me I bet 
 any American gets a funny sensation doing 
 that little thing." 
 
 Ma looked real impressed for a minute, 
 showing she hadn't any idea what I was talk- 
 ing about. Then she come back to her main 
 
 [77]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 idea with which she had started which you can 
 bet she always does until she gets through with 
 it her own self. 
 
 "Well, I think you ought to have something 
 
 \/ C7 
 
 for a uniform," she says. "Say a cap and 
 maybe a trench coat!" 
 
 "I wouldn't wear no trench coat around the 
 Forty-Second Street and Broadway trenches," 
 I says. "I wouldn't actually have the nerve 
 to insult the army like that !" 
 
 And Ma seen what I meant and said no more 
 which it certainly is remarkable how good we 
 get on for 31 other and daughter. 
 
 So she only urged me to have another cream- 
 cake, whicli I took and then I made for the 
 phone and started calling up some ladies to 
 form the committee out of. After thinking 
 the matter over very careful I finally decided 
 on six of the most prominent in my line which 
 was. of course, the Dahlia sisters which had 
 been often on the same bill with me and, of 
 course, they ain't really related no such team 
 work as theirs was ever pulled by members of 
 the same family, unless maybe when knocking 
 some absent member do you get me? Well, 
 anyways, beside them I got Madame Clemen- 
 tina Broun, the well known Lady Baritone, 
 
 F78]
 
 PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 she being a rather substantial party which 
 would give weight to us in cabaret circles. Of 
 course Pattie The Dancer had to be asked, she 
 being so prominent especially as to her tights 
 and strong pull with Goldringer but I only 
 done it out of diplomacy, which any one knows 
 committees has to have a lot of. And she is 
 less diplomatic than me as well, for instead of 
 just accepting for her own self she accepts also 
 for some friends which I had not invited, and 
 she did not name. Pattie is alias Mrs. Fred 
 Hutchins him who gets up those reviews 
 you know which is the only reason she is 
 starred in them for Gawd only knows a child 
 which had been started anywheres near right 
 could of done her steps at the age of seven, 
 they being mere hard-sole clog with no arm 
 movements but having a great many imitators 
 among college boys and such, that scare-crow 
 stuff being as showy as it is easy. 
 
 Well, anyways, when I had got this far I 
 had one vacancy on my hands and as our Al- 
 lies was not sufficiently represented so far, de- 
 cided on Mile. DuChamps which of course she 
 was really born in Paris, Indiana, but as a 
 toe-dancer is unequalled in any language and 
 
 [79]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 has a lovely broken accent. So there we had 
 France. Madame dementia was married to 
 a Italian and he being dead or something I 
 never asked what I felt she was a safe Ally be- 
 cause she couldn't of revolted, not if a 
 schrapnel was to have went off under her. 
 Pattie was of course Irish and the Dahlias' 
 Jewish, and Gawd knows what the other girl 
 was and I didn't care. 
 
 II 
 
 WHEN they had all promised to get their- 
 selves waked up on time and be over to the Pa- 
 latial, I kind of weakened on Ma's suggestion 
 about clothes. Of course I wasn't going to 
 fall for that uniform stuff, but when me and 
 Musette looked over my clothes I simply 
 didn't have a thing to wear. Every one of 
 my dresses was too morning or evening 
 or something and above all things I do 
 believe in dressing a part, and certainly I 
 had nothing which looked like a chairmaness. 
 So after getting into a simple little sports cos- 
 tume of violet satin and my summer furs, and 
 taking a peep into the mail box to see had any- 
 thing got by the censor yet which of course it 
 
 [80]
 
 PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 hadn't, I started out to buy me something 
 which would be quiet but tasty and snappy be- 
 cause nothing inspires respect in a ladies com- 
 mittee like a dress none of them has seen be- 
 fore. 
 
 Have you ever noticed how you can pass up 
 something which has been right under your 
 nose day after day and then all of a sudden 
 you hitch on to something which belongs to it 
 and then all you see is that thing do you get 
 me? Say yellow kid boots. You never even 
 noticed a pair, but one day you buy them and 
 next time you're out every second woman has 
 them on. Or you go into mourning for some- 
 body and all of a sudden you commence no- 
 ticing how many other people is the same only 
 of course there ain't over the average it's only 
 that you notice it because you are in it. Well, 
 believe you me that first afternoon I went 
 out after receiving the President's letter, I was 
 that way with this W.S.S. stuff. Of course 
 I had bought my thousand dollars worth the 
 first week they was out, as had also Ma and 
 she and I together the same for Musette. But 
 we had done it on the Liberty Loans the same., 
 also Red Cross and thought we was through 
 and all the signs and posters and what not had 
 
 [81]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 come to be invisible to me like a chewing-gum 
 or a soap ad do you get me? 
 
 But now I was in it and not only did I see 
 every sign and see them good, but felt like I 
 had one on my back and everybody must know 
 about the letter and everything. I walked 
 kind of springy, too, in spite of the furs, and 
 then when I turned into the Avenue, me being 
 on foot, a five mile walk per day having to be 
 got away with by me or Ma would know the 
 reason why, the trouble commenced. Believe 
 you me, I must of refused to buy thrift stamps 
 one hundred times in twenty blocks, and every 
 time I said I had all I could, the look I got 
 handed me would have withered a publicity 
 man. There must be a hot lot of fancy liars 
 among us, with no imagination, for why w r ould 
 W.S.S. still be on sale if everybody had bought 
 that much? And when I wasn't refusing to 
 buy stamps I was forking out quarters for 
 everything from blind Belgian hares to Welch 
 Rabbits for German prisoners. And it's a 
 good thing I had a charge account to Maison 
 Rosabella's or I would never of got my dress. 
 And the more I was pestered to buy them 
 stamps the madder I got. I commenced to 
 feel it was a regular hold up, and that the po- 
 
 [82]
 
 PRO BOXEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 lice ought to interfere. A person which is pes- 
 tered to death will even sour on the Red Cross. 
 I don't mean chat they ain't humane, neither 
 only that they are human, and the most dan- 
 gerous thing to do to a human is to bore it 
 any one in the theatrical professions learns 
 that young and thoroughly. And when I real- 
 ized that I was getting bored with this con- 
 stant hold-up I got a fearful jolt and a cold 
 chill. 
 
 Here I was undertaking to chair a com- 
 mittee to sell the things and Gawd knows my 
 heart ought to of been in it with Jim over there 
 and all, and it w r as, only getting bored with 
 the war is kind of natural, it being so far off 
 and nothing likely to do us personal bodily in- 
 jury on the Avenue unless maybe the restau- 
 rants or a auto and that our own fault. And 
 so soon as I realized what I was up against 
 with the great Boredom Peril, I realized also 
 what I had personally in writing promised Mr. 
 Wilson, and took a brace. It was just like the 
 early days on the Small-Time when the book- 
 ing depends on the hand arid the hand was the 
 one which fed us and not any too much at 
 that with the carrying expenses and the hand 
 was getting weaker. Me and Ma sat up all 
 
 [83]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 one night doping out my double handspring 
 with the heel-click. And it was a desperate 
 effort and we thought it was a flivver but not 
 at all. When I landed on my feet after the 
 first try-out, I knew I was there to stay, and 
 any intelligent public will realize that I re- 
 membered it now. And by this time I had 
 reached the store I was headed for. 
 
 I will confess that from the moment I had 
 decided to buy a new dress I had my mind all 
 set on what it was to be something sheer and 
 light printed chiffon, and a hat to go with it. 
 But by the time I had reached Maison Rosa- 
 belle my hunch on my new job was beginning 
 to go strong and one of the things that wor- 
 ried rue was that dress. Also my lunch. 
 Sometimes it happens that too much of a good 
 thing is the only thing which will turn you 
 against it do you get me? And Ma's cream 
 cakes had this effect. Maybe had I eat less 
 of them I would not have had no indigestion 
 and so not counted their cost as Lincoln, or 
 somebody, says. And if I hadn't had the 
 indigestion maybe I wouldn't of worried over 
 the dress. Well, anyways, the first person I 
 see inside the store was Maison herself, very 
 
 [84]
 
 PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 elegant and slim, only with a little too much 
 henna in her hair as usual. 
 
 "Well, Masie," I said when we had got into 
 the privacy of the art-gray dressing room and 
 lit a cigarette, while the girl went for some 
 models. "Well, Masie, I want to know is 
 business good?" Masie is her real name she 
 having Frenchified it for business reasons, the 
 same as myself. 
 
 "Oh, dearie!" says she. "Business is ele- 
 gant! With so many officers in town, I can 
 scarcely keep enough things in stock. The 
 beaded georgettes go so fast, on account of 
 being perishable. Ruby Roselle had three last 
 week of me. One party and they're gone !" 
 
 While Masie and me has been friends ever 
 since I can remember, her mother having been 
 Lady Lion Tamer in the same circus with Ma 
 and Pa's trapeze act, as she uttered them 
 words, I commenced feeling a little coolness 
 toward her. For once I get a idea, in my 
 head it's a religion to me, and the W.S.S. was 
 getting to me. 
 
 "Dont you think maybe that's profiteering, 
 Masie?" I ast. 
 
 Maison run a well manicured hand over her 
 marcelle and smiled superior she has always 
 
 [85]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 prided herself on being sort of high-brow and 
 reads Sappy Stories regular. 
 
 "Why, dearie, how you talk!" she says, 
 "Dont you know that a little gaiety keeps up 
 the morale of the country?" 
 
 "I'm not so sure about some gaiety keep- 
 ing up the moral of anything!" I says with 
 meaning, not wishing to directly knock any- 
 body but still wishing Masie to get me. "And 
 personally myself, I think any time's a bad 
 time to waste money on clothes which won't 
 last!" 
 
 "My goodness, Sweetie!" Masie shrieked. 
 "What's gonner become of us if ladies was to 
 quit buying? Tell me that? How we gonner 
 hire our help, and all, and how can they live 
 if W T C dont hire 'em? Have a heart!" she says. 
 "And what are you talking about you coming 
 in after a new dress yourself, and only last 
 week had two chiffons which Gawd knows 
 ain't chain-armour for wear!" 
 
 "I know!" I admitted, "but I'm going to can 
 my order. Just tell the girl to bring gingham 
 or something which will wash if you got such 
 a thing!" 
 
 "We]], Mary Gilligan, I guess you're going 
 nutty!" says Masie, but she gives the order, 
 
 [86]
 
 PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 and I choose one at $15 which could be dry- 
 cleaned, and that was the nearest I could come 
 to what I was after. 
 
 "You wont like it !" Masie warned me. "It's 
 too cheap better take a good silk!" 
 
 But I wouldn't not on a bet. Even al- 
 though what Masie said about cutting down 
 too much on buying stuff sounded sensible, or 
 would of only the question was how far can 
 a person cut before they reach the quick? Of 
 course I see her point, and she had as good a 
 right to live as me. Yet something w r as wrong 
 some place, I couldn't figure out where. So I 
 just charged the dress and set out for home, 
 and owning a cotton dress made me feel awful 
 warlike and humble do you get me ? 
 
 But while I felt better about my dress, the 
 cream-cakes was still with me, and, being now 
 a sort of Government Official, they and that 
 got me noticing the food signs, as well, and 
 wishing I had eat only a little cereal for my 
 lunch. That gave me a idea which on arriv- 
 ing home I handed to Ma. 
 
 "I have just bought me a wash-dress, or al- 
 most so, Mai" I told her. "And honest to 
 Gawd I do think we ought to eat to match it. 
 
 [87]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 Suppose we was to go on war-rations of our 
 own free wills?" 
 
 "Well, we eat pretty plain and wholesome 
 now!" says Ma. "Just like we always done!" 
 
 "But times is different!" I says, toying with 
 the soda-mint bottle, and who knows but what 
 they were being more needed abroad? "And 
 cream-cakes is a non-essential. Especially to 
 one which has to keep her figure down," I says. 
 "So for lunch to-morrow let's have cereal 
 only," I says. 
 
 Well I hate to take pleasure from any one 
 and the sight of Ma's face when I said this 
 would of brought tears to a glass eye. But 
 I felt particularly strong-minded just then 
 what with the indigestion and no letter from 
 the censor yet and Gawd knows that is no joke 
 as they are certainly more his than Jim's by 
 the time they get to me! But after I had told 
 Ma how all the caviar had ought to be sent 
 over to the boys and how food would win the 
 war and how Wilson expected every man 
 you know well, she got all enthusiastic over 
 making up a lot of cheap recipes and we had the 
 butcher and grocer pared down to about ninety 
 cents each per day. Ma could just see her- 
 self growing slim, and she kept remembering 
 
 [88]
 
 PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 things she used to cook for Pa in the old days 
 before she retired on the insurance money. 
 And first thing you knew the time had come 
 for me to go to the theatre. Just as I was 
 starting for the door Ma mentioned Rosco, 
 our publicity man. 
 
 "Are you going to call him or will I?" she 
 wanted to know. 
 
 "About what?" I asked. 
 
 "Why about your committee-meeting to- 
 morrow;" she says. 
 
 "Nothing doing!" I came back at her. 
 "Would you invite a manager to see a practice- 
 act? Its going to be amateur-night for me, to- 
 morrow is, and no outsiders are urged to at- 
 tend! And anyways, I'm not doing this for 
 publicity which Gawd, knows I dont need any, 
 but for my Uncle Sam!" 
 
 "Well, thank goodness, you aint go no other 
 relations you feel that way about," says Ma, 
 "or we'd all be in the poorhouse shortly!" 
 
 ill 
 
 Well, that night when I came home I cried 
 myself to sleep with my head under the pillow 
 so's Ma wouldn't hear what I called the cen- 
 
 [89]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 sor, but slept good on account of the simple 
 little war-supper of only lettuce and a cup of 
 soup which Ma had ready for me, and in the 
 morning was up with the lark as the poet says, 
 only of course they was really sparrows, it be- 
 ing the city. Well, anyways, I felt good and 
 husky and as early as eleven-thirty I was all 
 fixed up in the new wash dress, which its a ac- 
 tual fact Musette had to sew it together four 
 separate places that it come apart while put- 
 ting it on me. The goods wasn't the quality I 
 had thought, come to look at them closer, but 
 anyways it was cheap and that was one good 
 thing about it. Ma brought me in a shredded 
 wheat-less biscuit and a cup of coffee, a sort of 
 funny look on her face like she had taken her 
 oath and would stick it out to the death. She 
 didn't say anything, only set it clown and I ate 
 it, saying nothing either because it was what 
 we had agreed we would get along on for 
 breakfast. When I was through she give me 
 a news item. 
 
 "The cook is leaving!" she says. "On ac- 
 count of the new rations." 
 
 "That's no loss!" I says gaily, because as a 
 general thing Ma is only too glad when this 
 happens. 
 
 [90]
 
 rilO BONE HE AD PUBLICO 
 
 "I ain't so sure!" says Ma. "I'm not as 
 young as I was, and I cant do all the cooking!" 
 
 Well believe you me I sat up and took 
 notice of that! Ma kicking at her favorite 
 pastime. Something was wrong. But even 
 then I didn't get what it was. So I just re- 
 marked we could eat our dinners at the Ritz 
 that being good publicity anyways and always 
 expected of me in full evening dress when I 
 am dancing. So that much settled and there 
 being no letter yet and me being sort of nerv- 
 ous about that meeting which was breaking 
 ahead, I went and beguiled a hour at Jim's 
 souvenir. I thought a whole lot of that 
 pianola, he having given it to me just before 
 he sailed, and as of course it was too heavy to 
 wear over my aching heart which is generally 
 supposed io be done with souvenirs of loved 
 ones overseas, I put in a good deal of time sit- 
 ting at it, and believe you me my touch is 
 a whole lot better than Ma's which me being 
 light on my feet by nature and business both, 
 is not so supprising. Well, I got myself all 
 worked up over Jim while playing "Some- 
 where A Voice Is Calling with Mandolin Ar- 
 rangement" and a whole lot of expression and 
 what with feeling a little low on account of the 
 
 [91]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 patriotic breakfast, I was just in the right 
 frame of mind to throw myself heart and soul 
 into the good work before me do you get it? 
 You do! 
 
 Well, I had no sooner left the shelter of our 
 own flat, than that same hold-up game which 
 I had noticed so particular the day before was 
 started on me. The elevator-girls, which had 
 taken the place of a standing yet sitting army 
 of foreign princes which had used to clutter 
 up our front hall and the only excuse they had 
 for living was the nerve they give the landlord 
 when he come to price the rents: well, any- 
 ways, the girls which had taken their places 
 since the draft blew in, was selling W.S.S. 
 Of course I couldn't buy any for the same rea- 
 sons as yesterday. So they sprung a work- 
 ing girls War Crippled Aid Fund and I con- 
 tributed to that, because I believe in girls run- 
 ning elevators. Why wouldn't they, when 
 thousands has run dumb-waiters so good for 
 years ? Well, anyways, I give them something 
 and escaped to the street only to be lit on for 
 stamps by the first small boy I met. And 
 after only seven others had tried me, I got to 
 the Palatial Hotel, and believe you me by 
 
 [92]
 
 PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 that time worried pretty severely about how 
 could a person sell twenty-five thousand dol- 
 lars worth of the pesky things and not get slain 
 by some impatient citizen who felt that I was 
 the last ca:nel and his back was broke, or what- 
 ever the poet says? Really, it was serious, and 
 being the first of the Theatrical Ladies to ar- 
 rive, the big ballroom with the table and seven 
 empty chairs like a desert island in the middle 
 of the floor, failed to cheer me any. 
 
 Well, there was a arm-chair at one end of 
 the table and there being nobody around to 
 either elect me or stop me, I grabbed off this 
 chair and held to it with the grim expression 
 of a suburbanite who knows her husband isn't 
 coming but wont admit it, and a good thing I 
 acted prompt as should be done in all war- 
 measures, because pretty soon the other ladies 
 commenced arriving. I guess they must of 
 thought they could get a better part by com- 
 ing early, they was so prompt, and by one 
 o'clock they was actually all there except Pat- 
 tie and her unknown friend, which was pretty 
 good, the date having been twelve-thirty. 
 
 Well, we all shook hands and I arose from 1 
 my seat but didn't move a inch away from it, 
 having seen something of committee meetings 
 
 [93]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 where the wrong person had it. And then 
 they all sat down and took in my dress and 
 hat and I theirs, and we was very amiable and 
 refined and I felt so glad I had picked such a 
 good bunch and wished Pattie would hurry so's 
 we could commence, when lo! as the poet says, 
 my wish was granted, for in come Pattie and 
 with her her friend and My Gawd, if it wasn't 
 Ruby Roselle ! 
 
 Well, far be it from me to say anything 
 about any lady, only pro-Germans is pro-Ger- 
 mans by any other name, as Shakespeare says, 
 provided you can find it out, and here she was, 
 butting in on a gathering of would-be Dolly 
 Madisons and Moll Pritchers and everything, 
 and I wouldn't of invited her for the world 
 if only Pattie had mentioned her name. But 
 here she was, all dressed up like a plush horse 
 and so friendly it got me worried right away. 
 Any one which has seen Kuby in her red, white 
 and blue tights will at once realize what I 
 mean, though nothing but the tights was ever 
 proved against her. What on earth she wanted 
 with our committee was very suspicious because 
 why would she ever of taken a expensive and 
 difficult present like a baby alligator from a 
 
 [941
 
 PRO BONEHEAD PTTBTJCO 
 
 German which she once done, if not pro, her 
 own self? 
 
 But time for starting something- had sure 
 come, if we was ever to get any lunch, so I 
 got them all seated and commenced a little 
 weak in the knees which it was a good thing I 
 was seated, but strong in the voice, so as to 
 start the moral right do you get me? 
 
 "Ladies of the Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. 
 Committee," I began, being determined not to 
 waste no time on formalities, which it has al- 
 ways seemed to me that on such occasions a 
 lot of gas is used up in them which would have 
 run the machine quite a ways if applied prop- 
 erly. We all knew we was the Theatrical 
 Ladies W.S.S. Committee and I was the 
 chairman, so why waste words making me it? 
 "Ladies," I says, "I have a letter from Presi- 
 dent Wilson asking me to get to work, and so 
 have formed a committee to sell twenty-five 
 thousand dollars worth of War Savings 
 Stamps on the first of the month. I sat right 
 down and wrote him I would do it, and here we 
 are. Of course this being the twenty-eighth 
 of the month the notice is short. Probably he 
 didn't expect us really to get to work until next 
 month, but personally, myself, I think we 
 
 [95]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 should surprise him by getting the money by 
 Saturday night, which Saturday night is the 
 first. Xow, you Committee Ladies is here to 
 discuss how will we do it. I would be glad to 
 hear ideas, suggestions and etc." 
 
 Well, nobody said anything for a few min- 
 utes only Ruby put a little powder on her nose 
 and looked at it critical in her vanity case 
 mirror, which well she might for Gawd knows 
 she had powder enough on her already. Then 
 Madame Broun, the Lady Baritone, cleared 
 her throat. 
 
 "I would be glad to give a recital," she said, 
 swelling up her neatly upholstered black satin 
 bosom, "and turn over the money it brings in. 
 I presume the Government would hire the 
 theatre for me." 
 
 "Well," I says, "that is a real nice suggestion 
 only not quite practical. You see it wouldn't 
 be right to ask the Government to pay for the 
 theater in case it was a wet Monday and only 
 a few came in out of the rain. Any more 
 ideas?" 
 
 The blond Dahlia sister spoke up then. 
 
 "Whatever you suggest goes with me, 
 Marie," she says, which was terrible sweet of 
 her, only it's a darn sight easier to give a proxy 
 
 [96]
 
 mo BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 than a good suggestion, which I did not how- 
 ever mention, Blondie heing a real fine Jewish 
 American and a willing worker as I well knew. 
 
 "I thought of course it was a benefit we 
 would give," put in Pattie in a voice which 
 just plain dismissed every other possibility. "I 
 have a new patter to 'Yankee Doodle' with a 
 red, white and blue spot on me, at front center 
 with the rest of the house dark. It ought to 
 go big about the center of the programme." 
 
 After which modest little suggestion she 
 sunk gracefully back into her seat and com- 
 menced shadow-tapping the tune with her feet 
 under the committee table. 
 
 "Well, benefits is always possible," I said, 
 "and of course we could have it with admission 
 by W.S.S. only. But it's been done a lot and 
 three days ain't so very much time in which to 
 get it up in a way which would do your act 
 justice," I says. 
 
 "All ! clieries!" says Mile. DuChamp. "Mes 
 petites 1" she says, whatever that was. "I have 
 zee gran' idea perfect! I will make zee 
 speach on zee steps of zee Library of zee Pub- 
 lic at Forty-Second Street and Feeth Avenoo. 
 I will arise, I will stretch my ban', I will call 
 out 'Cityonnes! 'Urry up queek! Your eoun- 
 
 [97]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 tree call you Formez vos battillions!' and 
 while I make zee dramatic appeal zee ozzers 
 can collect twenty-five t'ousand dollar from zee 
 breathless crowd!" 
 
 She had got up on her box-toed shoes and 
 was making the grandest gestures you ever see. 
 Honest to Gawd I do believe that girl has 
 herself kidded into believing that the Paris she 
 was born in was France, not Ind. I kind of 
 waved at her, and when she had flopped back 
 into her place, completely overcome by her 
 emotions, I suggested that maybe the Library 
 wasn't as Public as it looked, being generally 
 occupied of a fine afternoon by wounded sol- 
 diers making the same line of talk, and of 
 course 'Mile. DuChamps would be n:ore chic 
 and all that, but would she be let? 
 
 "Of course she wouldn't!" says Ruby, com- 
 ing out of her vanity-case for a minute. "Of 
 course not! Z.Iy idea is that we all chip in say 
 about seven thousand five hundred and let it 
 go at that!" 
 
 Somehow this cheap-Jack way of getting 
 out of doing any work by spending a little 
 money, got my goat something fierce. Besides 
 which it was Ruby's idea of patriotism and all 
 against \V.S.S. rules and everything, but for 
 
 [98]
 
 FRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 the minute I was so floored I couldn't speak. 
 The dark Dahlia did it for me, though, and 
 much more contained than I could of at the 
 time. 
 
 "That's mighty generous, Miss Iloselle," she 
 says just as sweet, "only you see rne and Blon- 
 die has each got our thousand dollars w r orth 
 and one person can't get more," she says. 
 
 "Well, I'll take a thousand dollars worth 
 then," said Huby, and I could see very plain 
 that the matter was finished in her mind, and 
 what would you expect different after them pa- 
 triotic tights of hers? 
 
 "I'll take a thousand also," put in Madame 
 Broun. "To tell the rijlit truth I haven't a 
 one. What do you do with the stick them 
 on the backs of letters like Tuberculosis, or 
 Merry Xnias?" 
 
 Well, vre explained they was not a additional 
 burden to tlie postman but more or less of a 
 investment. And then the awful truth come 
 out that Pattie hadn't none either and that 
 Mile. DuCIiamps had always thought they was 
 to put on tobacco boxes and candy and every- 
 thing you stored up in the house to eat. though 
 Gawd only knows how she got thai: ic!. :.v except 
 of course it's the truth that most proj>!e is 
 
 [99]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 boobs, outside of their own line, more's the 
 pity! 
 
 Well, anyways, we took in four thousand 
 right then and there and so all that remained 
 was twenty-one. Ruby undertook to sell 
 another three among her personal friends, and 
 the Dahlias said they thought they could raise 
 as much more between then-selves. Then 
 when Mile. DuChamps and Madame Broun 
 had concluded to take on three apiece there 
 was eleven thousand dollars worth of friendless 
 little stamps with nobody to love them but me. 
 Well, with no better schemes than benefits and 
 concerts and talks in sight, I see it was up to 
 me to bite off the biggest slice of pie myself, 
 so I said I'd take the remainder. Of course 
 with my influence and name and all I would of 
 had no trouble getting rid of them only by 
 asking prominent men like Goldringer and 
 Rosco and the Dancing Trust people beside a 
 few more personal ones. And then when we 
 had got this far I see some of the ladies com- 
 mence looking at their wrist-watches for other 
 reasons than to show they had them, and so 
 hustled up the last of the business which was 
 merely how would we print our forms for sub- 
 [100]
 
 TRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 scribers to fill out. Ruby suggested a gilt- 
 edge card tinted violet with whatever lettering 
 I chose, and while I didn't care for it I agreed, 
 being hungry myself. 
 
 "I do think it is awful fine of you to take 
 on that big amount," said Pattie. "But you 
 always was generous, Marie, I will say that 
 for you." 
 
 "Ladies!" I said. "No thanks where they 
 dont belong. Because I am undertaking this 
 sale for far other reasons than you suppose." 
 
 But since everybody by then plainly cared 
 more for their lunch than my reasons we 
 parted, agreeing to send the money to my place 
 on Sunday morning. 
 
 IV 
 
 But I will here set down my unspoken rea- 
 sons, which was that fine as it is to walk out to 
 your rich friends and pluck a thousand worth 
 of stamps per each off them and of course no- 
 body but thinks the rich should have them, too, 
 I had a strong hunch that the reason for selling 
 stamps at five dollars or even two bits, was be- 
 cause every one could get in on a good thing 
 that way. Somehow there seemed something 
 [101]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 too up-stage about going in only for the high 
 spots, and after ordering the cards I hurried 
 home full of determination to malie a stab at 
 selling to the common herd and with a terrible 
 appetite and anxious as could be over the one 
 o'clock mail. 
 
 Well, the last two was doomed to a imme- 
 diate disappointment because the censor was 
 sitting just as tight as ever and there was only 
 cereal for lunch. Believe you me it give me 
 sort of a jolt when I sat down to so little and 
 Ma's face was not any too cheering. We com- 
 menced to eat in silence which being both per- 
 fect ladies was the only thing to do as it was 
 also burned. But after a minute Ma lay down 
 on the job. She pushed her dish over toward 
 me in disgust. 
 
 "Try that on your piano, Mary Gilligaii!" 
 she says. 
 
 "Well, Ma, you know what war is," I says. 
 "And we'll get a good meal at the Hicz to-night 
 to make up!" 
 
 Well, anyways, sustained more by patri- 
 otism than by what I had eat, I set out to put 
 over a scheme I had all hatched out in my head 
 for using places which was already kind of or- 
 ganized, as my selling agents do you get me? 
 [102]
 
 PRO BONEHEAD PUBTJCO 
 
 And. the first place I went was to Maison Hosa- 
 belle's because believe you me that cheap 
 dress I had bought of? her needed a plastic sur- 
 geon by then. Maison. was as usual giving 
 a unconscious imitation of a trained seal, 
 switching gracefully around the store with a 
 customer which she was hypnotizing into all 
 forgetf ulness of prices. But finally I got her 
 alone long enough to express what I thought 
 about the dress and any lady will be able to 
 imagine what that was. Then I asked her 
 could she fall in with my scheme which was on 
 Saturday to take only Thrift Stamps or 
 V/.S.S. for eacli purchase and sell them the 
 stamps herself. Maison didn't enthuse over 
 the idea, though she's rich at that. 
 
 "Why, dearie! Not on a bet!" she said. 
 "It ain't that I'm not patriotic, but this estab- 
 lishment is exclusive!" 
 
 Well, I seen there was no use arguing with 
 her, and I guess there never is with a woman 
 which is marcelle-waved every day of her life, 
 not to mention that cheap fake of a dress. 
 Next one I buy of her without a guarantee will 
 be for her funeral! So I just left her flat and 
 went over to Chamberlin's. Of course it takes 
 a whole lot more brains to run a enormous 
 [103]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 cabaret and restaurant like his than Maison 
 has to use if less nerve, he not coming person- 
 ally into contact with the customers like she 
 does, and I counted on this. I went in by the 
 main door where a lady sat selling W.S.S. 
 and she bored me to death with them while a 
 captain went to find Chamberlin. When I 
 seen him coming I tried to assume that 
 sprightly and convincing manner of the side- 
 walk W.S.S. hounds, but was overcome with 
 that deep seated sense of being about to make 
 a flivver, which also shows on most of them. 
 However, Chamberlin was a genial good soul 
 and was crazy over stamps. But he had beat 
 me to it on the admission only by buying 
 stamps on Saturday night. 
 
 "Better try among your rich friends, Miss 
 La Tour!" he says. "And you'll be surprised 
 how many you'll sell. That's the easiest way 
 unless you use a gun!" 
 
 "I don't want to sell to my friends," says 1,. 
 "I want to sell to everybody get folks to chip 
 in. The chipping-in idea is what is so good 
 get together and all that." 
 
 Well, believe you me after this I tried a 
 dozen places and every one of them, stores and 
 all, where I had any influence or charge ac- 
 [104]
 
 PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 count, had got their selves so full of W.S.S. 
 schemes that I felt like a helpless babe in arms 
 as the poet says, before I was through. There 
 was no room for my little $11,000 worth any 
 place : they had all stocked up, and what to do 
 next I had no idea. 
 
 On the way to the Ritz that night Ma didn't 
 talk steady like she usually does and seemed 
 kind of low in her mind, and maybe in her 
 stomach also which I was the same by then. 
 Not to mention the censor which it is better not 
 to for fear I might say what I thought and he 
 a Government official. 
 
 But anyways no sooner was we inside the 
 hotel than two society swells tackled us for 
 W.S.S. Oh, they was democratic, just! They 
 spoke right to us, and everything! But my 
 goat was got by it. 
 
 "A regular hold-up!" I whispered to Ma. 
 And as I spoke them fateful words I remem- 
 bered that I owned a gun, which it was left 
 from a piece I done for the movies and I had 
 kept it for a souvenir. Of course I dismissed 
 the thought at once like the sensible woman 
 I am. But somehow it wouldn't exactly stay 
 away. 
 
 [105]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 Did you ever get to seeing things as they 
 really was and wondering why on earth people 
 go through such a lot of motions pretending 
 things is not what they seem, as some guy so 
 truly says do you get me ? As soon as I had 
 said "hold-up" I realized that that w T as just 
 what was being done. And when I realized 
 that it was necessary to hold up people in order 
 to get them to make a safe investment which 
 would earn them a good net profit while sav- 
 ing their fool lives, I got so raving mad that 
 a gun see.med too good for them. And mad at 
 myself, too, for not seeing sooner how much 
 my own Jim's welfare was hanging onto my 
 shoulders. Somehow up to then I had really 
 a idea that the bunch down in Washington was 
 relieving me of all trouble and responsibility 
 about this war. But now I seen it wasn't so. 
 If the G.A.P. or Great American People was 
 actually such boobs that they didn't flock up 
 and wish their life savings onto such a scheme, 
 they had ought to be made to, same as Ma used 
 to hold my nose for my own good and believe 
 you me I can taste that oil to this day! 
 
 Well, anyways, this philosophy stuff kept 
 going through my mind while running up a 
 considerable check which Gawd knows we 
 [106]
 
 PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 needed it or the undertaker would of con- 
 scripted us. And then all of a sudden who did 
 I see but Ruby Roselle only two tables away 
 and with her a husky young lounge-lizzard 
 which goes around with her a lot you know 
 one of the kind whose favorite flower is the 
 wild oat, but never has anything to spend but 
 the evening. And him and Ruby had their 
 heads together and was watching me like the 
 German spies in a movie which every one in 
 the audience spots except their victims which 
 of course are looking at the director close up 
 front which is certainly the only reason they are 
 fooled. 
 
 Well, anyways, I was surprised to see Ruby 
 because Broadway places is more her speed, 
 and I never see her in such refined surround- 
 ings before. But I realizing about her kind 
 of patriotism I commenced wondering wasn't 
 she there to watch me? Though for what rea- 
 son I had no idea. 
 
 That night after the show, I asked Gold- 
 ringer wouldn't he use the admission by W.S.S. 
 Saturday, and he wouldn't because he had it 
 on for one of his other theatres. And so I 
 went home in despair and a taxi, and was fur- 
 ther cheered by a empty letter-box. 
 [107]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 In the morning the cards come a thousand 
 of them and certainly more elegant looking 
 than I had expected, I will say that for Ruby 
 and reading as follows : 
 
 "The Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee 
 
 will deliver to -.--. . : .-v of . . . . 
 
 worth of W.S.S. stamps on presentation of this 
 card. Payment for same is hereby acknowl- 
 edged." 
 
 Then came a blank which it was up to me 
 to fill in. Well, I didn't hesitate and after a 
 hearty breakfast of crackers and milk and 
 weak tea, I tied up the lace sleeves of my negli- 
 gee and set to work at signing them. Believe 
 you me, before I was done I quite see why 
 President Wilson used a rubber stamp ! But 
 I didn't weaken until noon, when any one 
 would have on the meal I'd had. And by then 
 they was finished anyways and every one of 
 them valid and as good as my cheque. Then 
 just as I was feeling proud of myself in come 
 Ma and I could see at once she was going to 
 take a fall out of me in her sweet womanly 
 way. 
 
 "If you ain't too busy with your war work," 
 says Ma very gentle but firm, "I'd like to talk 
 to you about something before we set down to 
 [108]
 
 PRO BOXEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 the skeleton lunch which is waiting and can 
 be continued in our next for all I care!" she 
 says. 
 
 Well, I got that gone-around-the-middle 
 feeling which I always get w r hen Ma gives me 
 a certain look, just like I used to when she'd 
 tell me soap was good for washing out the 
 mouths of kids which had told a lie. And so 
 t just set there and listened. 
 
 "Now, Mary Gilligan," she commenced. 
 "Do you know the size of the cheque you signed 
 over to the hotel last night?" 
 
 "About twelve-fifty," I says sort of getting 
 a glimmer. 
 
 "When your Pa and me was married he give 
 me twelve a week for all our meals!" she says, 
 and set back and folded her hands in a way 
 which said all she hadn't. 
 
 "But times has changed," I says sort of 
 feeble. 
 
 "But appetites has not!" says Ma. "And 
 how can you keep in good training on this war- 
 nonsense?" she wanted to know. "Not to men- 
 tion me, which it might improve my figure but 
 never my disposition?" 
 
 "But how about making war sacrifices and 
 [109]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 all, Ma?" I says. "Jim ain't eating like we 
 done up till yesterday!" 
 
 "Xor he ain't eating twelve dollar dinners at 
 the Ritz, neither," she reminds me, at which of 
 course I shut up and she went on. "Now I 
 dont believe being stingy to ourselves is really 
 gonner help the war. You have strode in 
 upon my department for once, Mary Gilligan, 
 and I'm going to put you out! You don't 
 know where to economize and I do. No more 
 eating out, and a good sensible table at home, 
 minus cream cakes," she says, "is what we do 
 fro n now on!" 
 
 And with that she marches out leaving me 
 flat as one of her own pan-cakes. Well, this 
 was bad enough, but when Musette got after 
 me as I was dressing to go for my five miles, 
 I seen that my humbling for the day was not 
 finished. 
 
 "That dress Madam bought yesterday," she 
 began. 
 
 "You can have it!" I said, beating her to it, 
 or so I thought. 
 
 "Thank you, I do riot care for it," says 
 Musette. I was just remarking it is really 
 not fit to wear again. Madam would of done 
 better to pay a little more!" 
 
 [no]
 
 PRO I30XEHEAD PTJBLICO 
 
 Can you beat it? You can not! Two falls 
 from one pride! Believe you me I took some 
 walk that afternoon, and if I had wore a speed- 
 omiter I bet it would have registered a lot over 
 five miles. And while I was walking I kept 
 getting madder and madder and more and 
 more worked up over what boneheads people 
 was and how v.~as a person to economize now- 
 adays and how 7 on earth would I sell all them 
 stamps by Saturday night with a matinee in 
 between and keep my promise to President 
 Wilson? It begun to look like I was going to 
 have to become one of them sidewalk pests. I 
 got a real good picture of myself going up to 
 the proud or pesky passer-by, and getting 
 turned down so often that my spirit was bent 
 thinking of it. 
 
 But believe you me I made up my mind 
 that if I had to hold up anybody to make 
 them invest in the World's Soundest Securities 
 or W.S.S. I would hold them up good and 
 plenty and no disguise about it. I thought 
 again about my revolver, the one which I had 
 used it in the movies when I done "The 
 Dancer's Downfall" for them and kept it for 
 a souvenir. I was that wrought up over the 
 situation that by the time I got home I had 
 
 [in]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 pretty near decided I'd take that fire-arm to 
 the theatre and lock the doors and come down 
 front center and shoot out one of the lights to 
 show I meant it and then take the money right 
 off the audience. The theatre being my native 
 element it seemed only natural to pull the trick 
 there, only being a lady the gun really did look 
 a little rough only not more so than the public 
 deserved. 
 
 WELL, anyways, I was certainly up against 
 it with all them blanks still on my hands and no 
 way in sight of getting rid of them. And just 
 to make things nice and pleasant, what do I see 
 when I come on the stage that night but Ruby 
 Roselle and her pet lounge-lizzard which were 
 sitting in a box. She certainly seems to go in 
 for reptiles for pets. And no sooner did I get 
 off after my eighth curtain call, than around 
 she comes to my dressing room and hands me a 
 check for her stamps and for the ones she had 
 undertaken to sell and already had. 
 
 "I suppose yours is all sold too!" says Ruby. 
 "You are so efficient, dearie!" 
 
 "Oh, mine are all right!" I snapped. "Or 
 will be by this time to-morrow." 
 [112]
 
 PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 "Why, ain't they gone?" she cooed. And 
 did I wish for my gun? I did! "Ain't you 
 give any of them cards out yet?" she says. 
 
 "No!" I says. "But I will I'll commence 
 with you, dear Miss Roselle," I says. "And 
 here you are" and I filled out the receipt 
 cards which I had a few in my vanity case for 
 emergencies, and give them to her. When she 
 took them I noticed she had a awful funny look 
 in her eye, hut at the time it meant nothing to 
 me. Alas ! Would I had heeded it more hut 
 no solid ivory! Solid ivory! I passed it up 
 
 J / 
 
 completely. And Ruby grabbed the cards, 
 collected her new pet animal, and went away. 
 
 Well, my state of mind that night was dis- 
 tinctly poor, even after the nice little well-bal- 
 lanced war-ration of hot chocolate and corn 
 bread with brown sugar which Ma had for me 
 and delicious as anything you ever ate if she 
 did get the recipe out of a newspaper and they 
 so unreliable nowadays. But no letter from 
 Jim, and so after I had asked Ma if she 
 thought it was right to wear black, I went to 
 bed and fell into a exhausted sleep which 
 lasted well on toward the box-office man's 
 afternoon on, because Ma always lets me sleep 
 late when I have to dance twice. 
 [113]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 Well, anyways, I was so rushed getting to 
 the theatre for the matinee that I hadn't no 
 time to try any of that sidewalk stuff, only I 
 did get a cheque from each of the other com- 
 mittee members and told Ma to send them re- 
 ceipt cards. And did I feel cheap? I did! 
 A flivver, that was what I had made. But 
 so long as Jim was surely dead hy now, I didn't 
 care for myself. Only my promise to Mr. 
 Wilson made a lump in my throat while doing 
 my three hand-springs and the "Valse Su- 
 perb," which shows how bad I felt. And what 
 do you know, when I took my encore, there was 
 Ruby Roselle again, down in front and all 
 alone. 
 
 This got about the last butt out of my goat 
 and I sent an usher to get her, but Ruby had 
 went before the usher had made up her mind 
 to undertake the mission. I was just about 
 wild all the way home, and the sight of Ma's 
 face when I got there almost made me cry it 
 was that sweet and friendly. Honest to Gawd 
 when Ma has got her own way about anything 
 she is just lovely to be with! And having 
 got the kitchen back and the grandest dish of 
 baked beans all full of molasses and salt pork 
 for dinner, she was feeling fine and I was the 
 [114]
 
 PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 same under her influence and even let her play 
 ''Sing Me to Sleep" with the loud pedal on 
 Jim's souvenir afterwards and never said a 
 word to her about it, though suffering while I 
 listened. And then it was time to go hack to 
 the theatre and I took Musette end that whole 
 hox of gilt edged securities which seemed no 
 good to nohody, hut I took them, and a good 
 yet had thing I did, for on the way downtown 
 I decided what to do, and when I got there, 
 called the ushers and gave them instructions 
 and a little something else by way of promot- 
 ing kindly feelings. And then with beating 
 heart I bent it for the dressing room and com- 
 menced rubbing on my make-up cream with 
 trembling fingers. 
 
 Did you ever make one of them critical de- 
 cisions which you knew in your heart you was 
 actual! v ffoin^ to carry it throurh and no 
 
 e CJ <^J 
 
 camouflage, even if it killed you and it very 
 likely to? YTell, when I decided to make a 
 speech right out in public I got that feeling 
 do you get me? And any Elk or other lodge 
 member which attends annual banquets will 
 know what I mean. Honest to Gawd I nearly 
 missed my cue, and after I finally got on the 
 [115]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 stage the dance I did must of been either auto- 
 matic or a inspiration and I don't know why 
 they liked it out in front, but they did. All I 
 personally myself could hear was "Ladies and 
 Gentleman, I want to speak a word to you" 
 You know! And hand-springs in between! 
 Well of course when I come out for my first 
 encore I didn't have the wind to say nothing 
 But my eyes was as good as ever and there in 
 a box was Ruby Roselle again! 
 
 Believe you me that was a jolt and a half! 
 Here she had come to give me the laugh I had 
 no doubt, and somehow after the second call 
 my wind was all of a sudden back good and 
 strong, and with it came my courage. For I 
 wouldn't of been downed by her, not for any- 
 thing ! 
 
 So stepping foreward in a modest manner 
 I hold up my hand and the house got quiet 
 and listened. As I have said, the show was at 
 the Spring Garden, and it's awful big and I 
 had never knew how full of silence it could be 
 until I heard the sound of my own voice all 
 alone in it. But after a minute I got used to 
 it, and so interested in trying to convince the 
 folks, that I didn't care. 
 
 "Ladies and Gentlemen," I says. "This is 
 [H6]
 
 PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 going to be a plain, good old-fasliioned hold- 
 up 1 If you listen hard, maybe you'll hear the 
 screams of the women and children, and the 
 groans of the wounded pocket-books! Far be 
 it from me to do anything so unrefined as to 
 actually use a gun on you," I says, "but I'm 
 going to do the next thing to it. I'm going 
 to sell eleven thousand dollars worth of W.S.S. 
 right here and now, and you are going to buy 
 them. I know all of you has probably been 
 buying them all day and is sick of them, but I 
 have personally promised President Wilson to 
 do as much by to-night without fail and you 
 must help me make good. And no matter how 
 many you have bought," I says, "unless you 
 have a thousand dollars worth you can spend 
 another ten or so apiece. Xow, as I say, I 
 know this is a hold-up, because it is meant to 
 be. And any public which can sit here in a 
 theatre and feel anoyed at having to buy a few 
 stamps when a million of our boys is over in 
 far-away, sort of unreal France, giving- their 
 lives, had ought to have a machine gun turned 
 on them from this stage instead of a line of 
 talk! Probably this is the first time in the 
 history of finances that it has been necessary 
 to jolly a crowd into making a good invest-
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 ment. If I was selling stock in a fake gold 
 mine," I says, "you would probably be climb- 
 ing on the stage to get it ! Xow will everybody 
 willing to take ten dollars worth kindly stand 
 up?" 
 
 There was a few laughs, and a few people 
 got up here and there, sort of shamefaced. 
 
 "Come on!" I says. "Come on are you 
 all cripples? You over there only ten dol- 
 lars save it on next months grocery bill all 
 right save it on your auto bill!" 
 
 A few more got up then, but not nearly 
 enough and I caught sight of C-oldringer in 
 the wings by then and not havi::/; warned him 
 what I was going to do, I could tell by his ex- 
 pression that I mustn't hold the stage too long 
 or a militaristic system would ri^l-t away be 
 
 * cj / 
 
 born in our theatre. So I got desperate. 
 
 "Xo more!" I called. "Oh, come en ret up! 
 Will I send for crutches, or are you only shy? 
 Remember, I got that money promised ! Only 
 ten dollars each!" 
 
 33 ut no more stirred. For a minute I 
 thought my flivver was complete, and then I 
 got a idea. I went over and beckoned to 
 George, the orchestra leader, and shaking all 
 over at my own nerve, I whispered to him. 
 [118]
 
 PIIO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 George grinned and passed along the whisper 
 to his crew, and in another n:inute that audi- 
 ence was standing, every last one of them, and 
 believe you me the Star Spangled Banner 
 had never sounded so good to me before ! 
 
 Well, anyways, my pep all come back and I 
 jumped off the stage as I see the ushers 
 couldn't possibly handle the orders alone, and 
 wait or no wait, the way that audience took 
 my hold-up was something grand, it was that 
 good natured, although of course a Eroadway 
 crowd gets sort of hardened to having their 
 money taken away from them roughly. They 
 was lambs, and took cards so fast I couldn't 
 have shuffled them good if it had been a game. 
 
 Well, anyways, when I finally got back to 
 my dressing-room and the trained animals had 
 come on at last believe you me I was all in, 
 but not a card left, and not alone eleven thou- 
 sand dollars but thirteen-fifty in actual cash! 
 I didn't worry none about having too much as 
 I never see a committee yet which couldn't use 
 more money than it had ast for, tlie White 
 Kittens always having a deficit. And then I 
 just put the boodle away safe in my tin make- 
 up box which I had emptied because it locked 
 [119]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 good, and took me and Musette and it home 
 to Ma. 
 
 Well, that was ahout all for that, and I had 
 a fine sleep that night after sending the Presi- 
 dent a wire telling him I had the money all 
 right. And if only the censor had loosened 
 up, I would have been perfectly happy, with 
 all that cash in my little Burglar's Delight 
 over the mantle-piece and a good real energy- 
 making breakfast coming to me in the morning. 
 
 But alas for false security, as the poet says. 
 No sooner had Ma and me ate breakfast next 
 morning than in came Musette and says there 
 are two gentlemen outside w r ants to see me. 
 Well, it seems they wouldn't give their names 
 so I says show them in for on account of Ma 
 always making us dress in real clothes for 
 breakfast Sundays, it was alright. 
 
 Well, in come two gentlemen then, and if 
 was easy to see one was a cop. Why he didn't 
 have green whiskers or something I dont know 
 because the one citizen you can always spot is 
 a cop, and that tweed suit was no disguise, al- 
 though he seemed to think so. I got a awful 
 funny feeling in my stomach at this sight al- 
 though there was nothing on my mind but my 
 [120]
 
 PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO 
 
 hair pins. The other was a gentleman and no 
 disguise about him, and I sort of took to him 
 right away and dropped my society-comedy 
 manner which is such a good weapon of de- 
 fense against strangers because I knew right 
 away he would see through it on account of him 
 being the real thing. 
 
 "Miss LaTour?" he says politely. 
 
 "Yes," I says, "what can I do for you?" 
 
 "Alias Mary Gilligan?" says the cop, which 
 was right in character and hadn't ought to of 
 got Ma's goat like it done. 
 
 "Alias nothing!" says Ma. "Gilligan is 
 her right name and you can see my marriage 
 certificate and the date is on it plain!" 
 
 "Better leave this to me for a moment, 
 O 'Rourk'.;-," says the nice gentleman, about 
 Pa's age, he must have been. Then he turns 
 to me while the cop took a back seat. 
 
 ""Miss LaTour," the gent, began, "I am 
 one of the local TV.S.S. committee Pioneer 
 Division Pierson Langton is my name. And 
 I have come to see you concerning your sale 
 last night!" 
 
 Well believe you me the minute I heard 
 his name I had him spotted ! One of the F. F. 
 [121]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 Y's of X.Y. and I had often seen his name in 
 the paper with war-work and all. 
 
 "Do sit down, both!" I says real cordial. 
 "I am so glad to see you! It's kind of you 
 to come, because of course I was f^ing to bring 
 you tlie money the first thing in the morning! 
 Just wait till I get my make-up box!" 
 
 And without giving him time to say another 
 word I hurried out and got it, the cop watch- 
 ing me with his hand on his 3 When I 
 come back and give Mr. Langton the box and 
 key, he looked real surprised. 
 
 "Twenty-five thousand cash! 1 ' I says. 
 ""Would you mind counting it?" He give me 
 one of the funniest looks I ever hr.d h^n:led out, 
 but he done like I asked. Then, he got up, box 
 under one arm, and bowed, and sat down again. 
 
 "Miss LaTour," he said. "I think I win 
 a bet with our friend O'Kourke, here! I was 
 sure you were all right. Your r :->n was 
 
 on the face of it too valuable for such an open 
 fraud. And your utter disingeriuousness is 
 the final proof!" 
 
 "Fraud! What do you mean:'' [ gasped. 
 
 "There's been a complaint about your selling 
 W.S.S. without no authority!" says Ollourke 
 at this. "Entered last night by T'lis.s Ruby 
 [122]
 
 PRO BONEHEAD TUBLICO 
 
 Roselle. We got your cards here, that she 
 handed in. But you ain't got no stamps! I 
 dont know but what we ought to ir.ake a arrest, 
 Mr. Langton!" 
 
 "I will be obliged to you if you will let the 
 matter drop for the moment," says Mr. Lang- 
 ton. "This young lady acted in good faith, I 
 am convinced. And now, Miss LaTour, per- 
 haps you will tell us how this all came about?" 
 
 Well, did I tell him? I did! I never told 
 anything readier. And then I took out the 
 President's letter which I had it on me, and 
 told how I had writ to him at once, partially 
 because I couldn't read the other fellows name. 
 
 "I accept the reproof," said Mr. Langton. 
 "I will get a rubber-stamp to-morrow !" 
 
 Then his eyes twinkled at me in the nicest 
 way, and I twinkled back, arid after that I 
 knew the cop hadn't a chance of running me in, 
 which was a big relief, for my hands felt like 
 a couple of clams, about then, I was so scared. 
 
 "So you ain't mad?" I says to Mr. Langton. 
 
 "Not a bit!" he says. "I think it can all 
 be straightened out. But of course you under- 
 stand that what you did was a trifle er ir- 
 regular. If you will come down to head- 
 quarters to-morrow and meet the members of 
 [123]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 our board, we will be glad to assist you in form- 
 ing a more regular organization." 
 
 And I said I would, and then we all said 
 good-by real friendly, even the cop. And I 
 felt awful sort of excited and scared and glad 
 that Ivuby had pulled that stuff, for if she 
 hadn't I might actually of gone to jail, I could 
 see that plain enough now! And so, to let off 
 a little steam when they had all gone I sat 
 down to my souvenir arid started oft' "Over 
 There in Four Handed Arrangement." Then 
 just as I had got it going good, Ma s who was 
 reading the Sunday paper, gave a holler. I 
 turned around quick, and there IKT eyes was 
 popping out of her head and glued to the front 
 page. 
 
 "Jim!" she shrieked. "My Gawd!" 
 
 Well, how I reached that paper I don't 
 know, but somehow I did and there it was right 
 in the middle column. 
 
 "American Dancer Now An Ace, James 
 La Tour Brings Down Three Enemy 
 Planes In One Afternoon." 
 
 Oh, my heavens! Didn't I yell, just! And 
 me knocking the newspapers and the censor. 
 And all the time Jim had been merely too busy 
 to write ! 
 
 [124]
 
 Ill 
 
 HOLY SMOKES 
 
 To Miss Marie LaTour, 
 Palatial Apartments, 
 0*256 Riverside Drive, 
 Xew York City, 
 
 U. S. A. America. 
 (Kindly forward if on tower) 
 
 Passed by censor. 
 DEAR MARY: 
 
 Well say little one, I am certainly glad 
 your health, new contracts and the two 
 fool dogs is both doing so nicely and as for the 
 cigarettes they were O.K. not to say swell. 
 Only dearie, it ain't hardly necessary to have 
 my monogram on the next lot for Fritz has 
 never waited for me to catch up to him so's I 
 could offer him one and he's about the only 
 person would be impressed by the J. La T. be- 
 cause our own boys kid me about any little 
 [125]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 thing like that on account of their knowing me 
 to be your dancing-partner and not to men- 
 tion husband and they are still slow to realize 
 that it takes a real he-man to swing you around 
 my neck twenty times like we do in the Tango 
 de Lux, arid I have to continually keep show- 
 ing them. 
 
 Then another good reason for no gold mono- 
 gram is that the price of same would cover 
 quite a bunch of cheap smokes and dearie hand- 
 ing them about is more to me than my own per- 
 sonal vanity and would be the same with my 
 shirts if necessary, while over here in distant 
 Belgium I realise it was also a waste to have 
 them embroidered on the sleeve because the 
 dam chinaman always used to i:inik them up 
 with monograms of his own anyways. 
 
 Speaking of money we used to spend on un- 
 essentials before the war, I tell you dearie we 
 certainly learn in the army, especially since 
 getting into this recaptured territory, that 
 many objects we would have swore could not 
 be done without is laid off like the extra people 
 after the ball-room scene and nobody misses 
 them until somebody sends over one of them 
 like them monogramed smokes of yours. Ir- 
 mediately I got them I commenced to think 
 [126]
 
 HOLY SMOKES 
 
 about little old B'way and dry-martinis and my 
 little old roadster with the purple body and the 
 red wheels, and us dancing at the palatial with 
 the juice full on us, red and green, violet and 
 amber. Oh Kid ! it made me home-sick ! ! But 
 then we got a order to start on cleaning up 
 after them Botches again and so I forgot 
 everything but you and my new step which 
 was forward, double line! 
 
 Well, sweetie, now about this smokes ques- 
 tion. Of course your Ma having been with 
 the circus is used to giving up things, as natu- 
 rally in a trapese-act such as hers used to be 
 she would need all the nerve she had and even 
 eating a welsh rabbit would of been a wild 
 party to her. The center ring is no joke and 
 forty feet above it on a trapese from the cen- 
 ter canvas less so. But trapese work has not 
 yet been offered to the Allies except mebbe 
 Itily on them mountains and any lady which 
 starts a society to keep smokes from soldiers, 
 may be strong in morals but is surely weak in 
 the head, which I never knew your Ma to be 
 before. She being always not only a lady but 
 a great little picker on contracts and what 
 would we of done without her that time Gold- 
 ringer tried to slip the "satisfactory to the 
 [1271
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 Goldringer Theatrical Productions Corp." 
 stuff over on us and she spotted it? 
 
 But for the love of liberty can this idea of 
 hers about it not being- good for the boys to 
 smoke and make her quit worrying about us 
 tearing around France learning no new sins. 
 For sweetie the crimes a man can committ on 
 whats left of his pay after the alotment is took 
 out and the insurance and the liberty bonds 
 instalments would be sanctioned by anybody 
 in the country even if his coller buttoned up the 
 back. For take it or leave it, liquor, ladies 
 and lyrics is as expensive here as north of 42nd 
 str., and our pay dont go for them even after 
 distracting the above. 
 
 Why me and a fellow went off on leave to 
 a general store in a town which I couldn't spell 
 for you much less mention it, even if per- 
 mitted. But anyways we went to it and Mac 
 bought some winterweights and they was four- 
 fifty a pair and no better than the I T .S. seven- 
 ty-five cent kind, and I got tvro pair socks a 
 dollar per each and two bananas for ~.3c, which 
 only goes to show everything here is terrible 
 expensive except nessessaties. So dout let your 
 Ma worry over rue spending my remaining 
 nickel on vice. 
 
 [128]
 
 HOLY SMOKES 
 
 I note what you say about the way folks at 
 home get your goat by passing the buck on 
 war-reliefs if it's chocolet they say they've 
 just given to tobaeco, if it's tobacco they just 
 bought a W.S.S., and if it's W.S.S. they 
 just got a hatful of bonds, or if it's bonds they 
 just give their last cent to chocolet passing 
 the buck all along the line. Well dearie, I 
 guess mebbe that's their way of getting a little 
 war-relief of their own, but as you say why 
 w^ould they need any relief when the fact that 
 they are for the most part without cooties ought 
 to be relief enough in itself? Let alone hav- 
 ing to dodge only taxi cabs and bill-collectors 
 instead of shells. Only of course w T e dont have 
 to do that now, only shell-holes, and dodge 
 them in a hurry to get one last look at the Ger- 
 man army before it puts on its good old soup 
 and fish or whatever the German for civilized 
 clothing is, that is if they have any. 
 
 But you are right girlie, to boost the smokes. 
 We'll need them for a long while yet. I know 
 you have been obliged to keep your own from 
 your Ma and what with not really caring for 
 peppermints it has been hard all these years. 
 But while her trapeese work stood alone in its 
 day and no one on Broadway is more respected 
 [120] '
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 at this writing and as a mother-in-law I have 
 no complaint on her outside of her wearing 
 my dress-pumps, this one time she is dead 
 wrong. Soldiers are not always acrobats and 
 they do need to smoke and your Ma will put 
 herself in the small-time reform class if she 
 dont look out. When I think of the stuff I 
 seen up and down Broadway and elsewhere in 
 my days which could be reformed and no one 
 miss it, I get hot when I hear this talk about 
 keeping the army pure. Take it or leave it, 
 but the truth is the Huns has kept us pure 
 alright they sweat all the wickedness out of 
 us running after them. 
 
 But to get back to the tobacco stuff. Dont 
 let nothing hinder you from bothering every- 
 body you see to send smokes. We'll use 'em 
 up never fear! And if you was to be walking 
 down the Avenue or mebbe Broadway some- 
 time and a box in your hand and asking for 
 Smoke Funds or something whichever way its 
 done and vour Ma was to fi^ht her way 
 
 V - * * 
 
 through the howling mob which would un- 
 doubtedly be surrounding you on account of 
 course the best known parlor-dancing act in 
 America and the world wouldn't walk out look- 
 ing for funds and not draw a mob which was 
 
 FT 30]
 
 HOLY SMOKES 
 
 only too glad to see you for five cents in the 
 smoke-fund-box instead of two dollars in the 
 box office well, anyways, if your Ma was to 
 force her way through this mob which with her 
 weight she could do easily, why she would for- 
 give you in the end if not right there on the 
 street, and I believe that a hand-organ would 
 start and play hearts and flowers at that. 
 
 Anyways, keep up the good work only never 
 mind the monograms as long as they taste like 
 tobacco and can be lit. And if you fall out 
 with Ma just tell her this story which I will 
 tell you and she will see mebbe God didn't 
 put tobacco in the world merely for little slum 
 children to pluck on their two weeks vacation 
 in all its green beauty. 
 
 Well, the story is like this sweetie, and I will 
 write it as good as I can and if it seems cornicle 
 go ahead and get a good laugh only take it 
 or leave it, it was no comedy at the time. But 
 if you was to news it around mebbe the folks 
 at home v/ould start dropping something be- 
 side coppers in them soda-fountain boxes you 
 was talking about, and commence trying to 
 squeeze a quarter through the slot now and 
 again. Come to think of it, the biggest thing 
 a copper penny can buy is the feeling a per- 
 [131]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 son gets from dropping one in a Belgium milk 
 bottle or home for crippled children or Merry 
 Xmas for the Salvation Army. You know 
 the cheap chest it gives you. Many a liberty 
 bond has been left in the Govts. hands by a 
 prospective buyer stumbling on a "drop a 
 penny" box in a cigar store on his way to the 
 cupon-cutters, or I miss my guess. I've done 
 the same in my day and the man who says he 
 aint raised his own stock with himself by giv- 
 ing a nickle to the Newsboys Annual Outing is 
 as big a liar as the guy which says he never 
 loved another girl. And if pennies was to be 
 cut out of the currency a whole lot of cheap 
 philanthropists would have to make thier con- 
 cience work or fight. 
 
 Well, anyways you go right on boosting the 
 smoke-fund and never mind Ma. She'll learn 
 different some day. 
 
 Now about this story I was going to tell you. 
 First off leave me explain that the drinking 
 regulations over here is different to uniforms 
 than on the Rialto and America. I hunch it 
 that the managers and booking agents and so 
 forth in the U. S. Military Amusements Co. 
 inc. figure that a few of the rules have to be 
 let down while the big show is on. Same as the
 
 HOLY SMOKES 
 
 stars can lean against a Xo Smoking sign on 
 the big time and roll a makin's quite openly. 
 So when en leave and even someti :>es in the 
 dressing-room or I should say rest-billetts a 
 bottle of wine is not out of order. Very dif- 
 ferent sweetie, from the night Goldringer gave 
 me in my uniform the big send off at the Ilitz 
 with all the newspaper bird and the leads and 
 everybody and me and you the only sober per- 
 son present, do you remember? 
 
 Well, its no news to you to say that I havent 
 forgot I am a proffessional dancer and good 
 condition is my middle name for my future, not 
 to mention my present contract with Uncle 
 Sam and that a sober r. an is worth more to 
 both also to you and myself. 
 
 But the Allies dont look on liquor like we 
 do. As a matter of fact they seldom look on 
 what we would call liquor at all, hardly ever 
 getting a glympse of anything hard such as 
 rye, scotch or gin, and a cocktail being prac- 
 tically a stranger and a repulsive one at that to 
 them. But wine is something different again. 
 Which while with us it is the high sign for a 
 big party and flowing only in extremely good 
 classes such as at the lobster layouts leaving 
 aside dago spagetti parlors when folks is rest- 
 [133]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 ing with them it is a common matter and 
 everybody drinks it and while there aint much 
 kick to it, still it has it all over the w r ater we 
 get and coming under their idea of nessesities, 
 is low in price. Of course by wane I do not 
 mean champagne like we used to for publicity 
 purposes order for our dinner in public, but 
 stuff made out of common grapes, I guess, 
 and with the seltzer left out. 
 
 Well, dearie, the reason I hand you all this 
 info, is that the story I am going to tell you got 
 started because of this wine. "In Venus Veri- 
 tas" you know or so they say, and I confess 
 that in trying to get a little kick out of the 
 stuff I got sort of lit and that's what caused 
 me the story. 
 
 II 
 
 Well, we was sort of waiting off stage as you 
 might call it, in a little town in Belgium, our 
 act having just been on and a pretty lively one 
 it was and the Captain give us a pretty good 
 hand on it, although as you know the audience 
 didn't wait for the finish but left us their or- 
 chestra seats or front line trenches which we 
 moved into and then give up to the next num- 
 [134] J
 
 HOLY SMOKES 
 
 ber on the bill and come back to watch from 
 the wings, or would of only we was a little 
 too far off. 
 
 Well, the Capt. felt so good and the water 
 was so bad that he sent a delegation back for a 
 little liquid refreshment. They have big jugs 
 over here like the molasses is kept in at home 
 only here it is frankly boose and no one pre- 
 tends any different. And the game is this. 
 The one which volunteers for this dangerous 
 work, if broke himself, takes a swig or so out 
 of the jug lie is bringing back which it dont 
 show on account of their not being transparent 
 and so tlie officer dont get any surprise until 
 toward the end of the jug and even so may 
 think he took more than he had thought. The 
 private will take only a little from each but if 
 there is jugs enough many a mickle makes 
 quite a jag. 
 
 Well, me and a fellow named McFarland 
 and a French kid called Ceasare was each given 
 two of these molasses jugs which looked like 
 props, and was sent off to a village some place 
 in congnito for you couldn't pronounce it. 
 And we was glad enough to go because among 
 other tilings we was short of smokes. Some 
 cleaver actor had accidintly lit the last mess 
 [135] '
 
 BELIEVE YOU 
 
 fire with a bale of Virginias and there wasnt 
 hardly a smoke among us. 
 
 You just figure out how it would feel if 
 you was to have a bath and do your exercise and 
 
 . / 
 
 eat a swell breakfast and then realise there 
 wasnt a pill in the house! Think sweetie, how 
 your brest would swell up with alarm, and the 
 royal fit you would throw while the elevator 
 boy was on his way to the corner drug store! 
 Why figure even the way you feel once you get 
 a cigarette in your face and then cant find a 
 match for two whole minutes. "Well, take it 
 or leave it, I tell you that feeling is a whole lot 
 multiplied on the victorious fields of France 
 when little friend cigarette is notable by its 
 absence. A empty house on an opening night 
 is nothing to it. So you can see where me and 
 Ceasare and Mae was glad to get in the neigh- 
 borhood of one, leaving even all considerations 
 of the wine aside. 
 
 Well, we started out carrying each two jugs 
 and as we went the fellow which acts as usher, 
 or sentry on the road hollers at us do we know 
 the way and Ceasare and him jabbered at each 
 other in French in the remarkable fluent way 
 they do over here. And Ceasare laughed and 
 when we asked what it was he said the guy 
 [136]
 
 HOLY SMOKES 
 
 told him to look out Fritz didnt get us on the 
 open road, which was certainly some joke for 
 of course we hadn't been able to get near 
 enough to Fritz to hear him in some time. 
 So we laughed, too, for if any snipers had man- 
 aged to stay behind and opened up on us we 
 could of spotted them and wiped them out if 
 they had kept it up. 
 
 Well sweetie, there wasnt any road exactly 
 toward the place we was bound for on account 
 of our having done considerable trespassing on 
 private property and taking little notice of 
 fences whether barbed-wire or civilian or shell- 
 holes or trenches but having went straight 
 ahead. And after the last 5 years on upper 
 Broadway you will realize it comes easy enough 
 to me, I often having come unharmed from the 
 Claridge to the Astor, and the French fields 
 has nothing on that crossing. So to me that 
 first part of the trip was as little or nothing 
 and I was the cheer fulist of the party though 
 we was all pretty cheerful and singing a little 
 song of Ceasare's which I dont know what it 
 means but I guess I'd better not write it in 
 for fear you would. 
 
 Well, it was late afternoon and awful cold 
 for the time of year, and I was thinking that 
 [137]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 at home the frost was on the pumpkin and the 
 pumpkin would soon be in the pie and the 
 turkey was about to get the axe and Halloween 
 was due and a lot of nice things like that. And 
 after a lot of kilomets had been covered, we 
 come to the funny little town which looked like 
 the back-drop to the opening seane in a musi- 
 cal comedy only all shot to pieces like it had 
 been on the road with a Xo. 2 company for a 
 long and successful tower. 
 
 Well, we come to it, anyhow, and being on 
 duty in a way as far as them ju^s went we 
 went with them and took what we could afford 
 our ownselves while we watched y.. pa Ceasare 
 fill 'em up. Then the tobacco dcpt. claimed 
 our attention only to find there wasn't any! 
 
 Well, sweetie, I have tried to pi.;b over the 
 way I felt at these glad tidings ai. J the censor 
 wouldn't of stood for it, so out she goes! But 
 I felt that way all right and so did Mac and 
 Ceasare. 
 
 "I'll no beleeve ut!" says Mack which he 
 talks a funny kind of way like Harry Lauder. 
 "I'll no beleeve ut theer must be tome some- 
 place aboot!" 
 
 "Say la guyer!" says Ceasare : :id gives a 
 shrug, although he was a lot more disappointed 
 [138]
 
 HOLY SMOKES 
 
 than Mac on account of Mac's really caring 
 more for liquor than smoke any day. "Say 
 la Guyer!" he says, and asks his pa why it hap- 
 pened and his pa tells him and he translates it 
 to Mac and me. 
 
 "He say n young lady have took it all only 
 hour ago for free to soldiers," he explains. 
 
 And take it or leave it, but I was certainly 
 a little sore for although I am the first to be- 
 lieve in the other fellow getting it, still this time 
 we all felt like the other fellow was us, and no 
 doubt she had took it to the nearest camp or 
 hut, and so I ast which way was it she went 
 for mebbc we would get some of it. And then 
 come a bur surprise. 
 
 "Xo 'ospitil here!" Ceasare explained again. 
 "An no 'ut! It ees too soon after we take it. 
 Then pap;i says she is first cross red lady we 
 have seen and she speak in French!" 
 
 "Well, that's funny!" I says and of course 
 dearie you understand this had been enemy 
 ground only a little before and that there was 
 a wine-shop going was a miricle and only for 
 it being Ceasare's papa we wouldn't of got 
 none, which is how he come to be along with us. 
 
 Well, we all felt real sore and disappointed 
 but took it like a man for of course a red cross 
 [139]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 nurse would get it for the wounded and we had 
 our health. 
 
 So papa give us all another round and we 
 took the big molasses jugs and started off. It 
 was getting toward twilight and pretty cold 
 and I will say it give me sort of sore feeling 
 towards the folks at home and blamed the : 
 for letting me be without a cigarette and you 
 know how it is about two drinks makes me 
 a little sore at things and I began to cheer up 
 after the third and this was early in the evening. 
 
 Not so Mac lie has a talent for drink. 
 Well, we had just about left the motion- 
 picture village behind us when he commenced 
 to sing arid while I dorit know what it was 
 about, I will put it down this time because you 
 wont know neither. 
 
 "Fortune if thou'll but gie me still 
 Hale Breeks, a scone, an' whisky gill, 
 An' rowth o' ryme to rave at will, 
 Tak' a' the rest, 
 
 "An' deal 't about as they blind skill 
 Directss thee best." 
 
 Well, naturally we applauded which is 
 always safe when you don't understand a 
 [140]
 
 HOLY SMOKES 
 
 thing, and it certainly was comical for Mac is 
 generally a quiet cuss and a tightwad as well. 
 Then I spoke up. 
 
 "These jugs is too heavy!" I says. "Let's 
 lighten 'em up a bit." 
 
 Well they thought so and we done it and 
 felt better and then I sang them: 
 
 "Give me your love 
 The sunshine of your eyes!" 
 
 And both Ceasare and Mac commenced to 
 cry. Mac set down his jugs and we done the 
 sa : e and then Mac done the most generous 
 thing I ever seen a Scotchman do even in 
 liquor. He reached inside his bonnett and 
 took out three cigarettes, shook the bonnett to 
 show they was actually the last, and give us 
 each one and one to himself. 
 
 Well, we all sat down on a old motor chassis 
 or what was left of it, and burned them smokes 
 like insense, not speaking a word! But put- 
 ting that red cross lady which had been ahead 
 of us out of our minds and thinking only of 
 how we was going to give Mac our next 
 packages from home when they come, and he 
 mebbe thinking of how he was going to get
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 them. And then we all made cur jugs a 
 little lighter and by this time it was pretty 
 dark and we commenced to hurry back. Be- 
 fore we had went very far we had to hesitate 
 about which w r ay. Because sweetie, take it or 
 leave it, what you write about getting lost in 
 the new subway has nothing on finding your 
 way about after dark by yourself in this part 
 of the world. 
 
 Well, Mac was sure w r e come one way and 
 I was sure we come another and Ceasare he had 
 a different hunch from either of us. So we all 
 took another little drink as it was getting 
 mighty cold by now, and in the end w T e started 
 off Ceasare's way because why wouldnt he 
 know best which way w r as right and him born 
 and raised right there on the farm? We 
 trusted to his judgment just like him and Mac 
 would of trusted me to tell the taxi-driver 
 where to go from Keens. 
 
 So we went like he said, but somehow we 
 didn't seem to get no place in particular al- 
 though we kept on going for a long time: I 
 couldn't say how long, but it seemed like a 
 Battery to Harlem job to me only by now I 
 loved everybody but Fritz and a sort of fog 
 had come up or so I thought, and we was all 
 
 [142]
 
 HOLY SMOKES 
 
 singing, each our own sweet songs but at the 
 same time. 
 
 "Lets throw away a few of these jugs," I 
 remember saving and really there was so lit- 
 
 v O . 
 
 tie in some of them it wasn't worth carrying 
 back so we just finished them off and threw 
 them away and then we come upon a little path 
 or it felt like it. 
 
 "Allou!" shouted Ceasare, "we are almost 
 there!" and with that we sure got the surprise 
 of our lif es, for rat-tat-tat-tat-tat come a sput- 
 ter of machine gun fire right at us. 
 
 in 
 
 AT first we was very much jolted by this 
 though unhurt, and then we commenced to 
 think it was a joke. Here we was going in 
 behind our own lines arid being fired upon. 
 
 "Shut up, ye dam fools!" Mac hollered. 
 "Can ye no recognize yer own people?" 
 
 Then Ceasare yelled in French, but they 
 paid no attention to us. Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat! 
 it come again, and this time it made me real 
 mad. I figured that if they didn't quit their 
 nonsense somebody was liable to get hurt. So 
 I saved what was left in my last jug, threw 
 [143]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 the thing away, and told Ceasare and Mac to 
 come on and leave us beat up the poor boobs 
 with the nasty sense of humor and show them 
 where they got off. Well, Mac and him 
 thought this was a good idea so they done like 
 I done and we ran up the little hill which we 
 could see our way pretty good in spite of the 
 dark because they never let up on us but kept 
 right on spitting fire. Well, we got very mad 
 by this time and to tell the truth I can't very 
 well recall just what did happen only w r hen 
 w r e got to the gun the boys was German! 
 
 Well, take it or leave it, I aint had a jolt 
 like that since the night Goldringer raised 
 our salary of his own accord after we put on 
 the La Tour Trot. And I only wisht I could 
 remember more about what happened. But 
 for quite a few minutes I was terrible busy; 
 and I guess I better admit I was tight awful 
 tight. Of course there was five of them and 
 only three of us, and equally of course we 
 licked them badly and took only one prisoner 
 but not being anything for a lady to read I 
 will not give particulars and anyways I dont 
 remember any. Of course it was one of them 
 few remaining nest of hornets which we had 
 [14-1]
 
 HOLY SMOKES 
 
 joked about, but really hadn't believed was 
 there. 
 
 Well, when it was all over but the cheering 
 and we was sure these birds had been all by 
 their lonesome, we was pretty well sobered 
 and hot and everything. And the first thing 
 we done was take a look around in a few 
 places for tobacco. And take it or leave it 
 we didn't find any! Not a smoke among the 
 lot ! Watter you know about that ? 
 
 But one good thing we got out of the scrap 
 was our senses back and it was easy enough to 
 spot about where our own lines would be. So 
 after we figured it out, and taking Fritz, the 
 one prisoner, along, we commenced to start off 
 that way and you can bet the poor boob was 
 glad to go with us. You would of thought he 
 had wanted to be with us all the time. Just like 
 after a election at home. Cant find anybody 
 who didnt vote the winning ticket. Which 
 joke you may not understand, sweetie, being a 
 lady, and I will not now stop to explain. 
 
 Well, we started back alright and as we 
 come, I got the story which I want to tell 
 you which commenced really when we come to 
 that old barn. Only I had to explain how we 
 come to be there or you wouldnt get the idea 
 [145]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 of what I am driving at for you to make your 
 Ma understand. 
 
 Ever since I fell out of my airplane and was 
 in the hospital and reenlisted the only place 
 they'd take me back was in the infantry, I done 
 a lot of thinking and some of it stuff which 
 might mebbe sound awful queer coming from 
 me, especially after some of the language I 
 have been known to use in my day, and while 
 I hope I aint become mushy, I certainly do 
 believe there is more to religion and such 
 things than we have thought. Take it or 
 leave it, mighty few fellows have lived through 
 this war, far less fought through it, without 
 getting religion of some kind out of it. I won- 
 der can you get me ? And make Ma get it too. 
 So I'll tell what happened and you see if mir- 
 icles is over yet or not for this is a true fact and 
 not a story somebody told me. 
 
 Well, after we cleaned up that machine gun 
 nest and had a cute little live German prisoner 
 of our very own, we took him down the hill with 
 us the best way we could in the dark and it full 
 of holes and what not. There wasn't a bit of 
 light no moon nor stars nor nothing, and a 
 wet sort ofsmell that made us wish for a smoke 
 the way hardly nothing else is ever wished for, 
 [146]
 
 HOLY SMOKES 
 
 except mebbe a motion-picture salary or a 
 drink of water after a big night not on the 
 desert. 
 
 Well we got on pretty good because we was 
 nearly sober now and Ceasare he knew where 
 we was going, and this time he really did, and 
 so we kept up pretty good. It commenced to 
 rain a little and the big drops felt awful nice 
 against my cheeks which was burning hot. 
 Made me think of when I was a kid back in 
 Topeka and digging out to school and a pair 
 of red mittens I had which my mother had 
 made them good knitting and well made like 
 the sweater I had on that very minute which 
 she also knit. And I thought of me and you 
 and our snow-sceane when we done that dance 
 on the Small Time with the sleighbells on our 
 heels remember dear? Before we had really 
 made good except with each other? And I 
 thought about love too and a lot of fool stuff 
 like that. And then I heard a funny sound 
 for thereabouts. It was a woman moaning 
 and crying. 
 
 Well, at first I thought mebbe I was crazy 
 
 or imagined it, but Mac who was walking in 
 
 front with our own little Fritz stopped short 
 
 and so did Fritz and listened. It come again 
 
 [147]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 the most dismal thing you ever want to hear. 
 I turned to Ceasare and he had heard it. 
 
 "Say drool," he says, which means "Its 
 funny" only it wasnt and he didnt mean it that 
 way, but the other way. You know. 
 
 "It sure is !" I says. "There she goes again !" 
 
 "I think theers a wee bit housie over theere!" 
 says Mac. 
 
 "It is the barn of my cousin's uncle," says 
 Ceasare. "We better go look." 
 
 So with that we started across the road to 
 where sure enough was a funny little barn 
 stone with a grass roof peculiar to these 
 parts, I guess. The nearer we got the louder 
 the noise was, but no words to it, only sobbing 
 very low and despairing and sort of sick and 
 a female no doubt of it. There wasn't any 
 light nor anybody moving about as far as W T C 
 could tell. 
 
 "Gee! What'll we do?" I says in a whisper. 
 "We can't pass it up!" 
 
 "Xaw we mun tak' a look inside!" whispers 
 Mac. 
 
 "Certinmount," says Ceasare; "Mais be 
 careful! We put the Boch in first and see if 
 some trick is up!" 
 
 It being Ceasare's cousin's uncle's barn he
 
 HOLY SMOKES 
 
 knew where the door was, and the three of us 
 shoved Fritz up to it and made him under- 
 stand he was to open it and go in ahead of the 
 crew. We finally^ got it over with signs and 
 shoves, because the bird didnt speak nothing 
 but German and we hadnt a word of it among 
 us. But still we made him do it and he did, 
 and we pulled our guns and stood close behind 
 and I stood closest and pulled not alone my 
 gun but the little electric flashlight you sent me 
 which I flashed in as quick as the door was 
 opened. 
 
 IV 
 
 AND take it or leave it there was a woman 
 with a baby in her arms! She was rather a 
 young round-faced woman and that kid was 
 awfully little and held close under a big dark 
 cloak the woman wore. The poor soul looked 
 tired out and she had no hat and her hair was 
 all down. The inside of the barn was a wreck 
 and the rain was coining in through a big shell- 
 hole in the roof. She was all alone, we at once 
 got that, and at sight of the German uniform 
 which was all she seen at first, she give a shriek 
 of joy and got up onto her feet. 
 
 "Got si danke!" she cried. "Ich habe- 
 [149]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 Then she seen the rest of us and shrunk back, 
 covering the kid with her cloak. Fritz said 
 something to her quite a lot in a hurry, and 
 evidently told her he was a prisoner, and now 
 that she had spilled the beans, so was she. And 
 of course even under the circumstances, she 
 was. But take it or leave it, I certainly did 
 feel queer when I went up to that lady with the 
 little baby in that barn. For German or no 
 German the situation was well it certainly 
 got my goat. I took off my hat and made a 
 bow. 
 
 "Lady," I commenced, "have no fear. Don't 
 
 let us throw no scare into you. We ain't Huris 
 
 that is, I beg your pardon, but what I mean 
 
 is you are perfectly safe and we will take care 
 
 of you." 
 
 Well, the way she looked at me would of 
 
 wrung a heart of stone. Her eyes was blue 
 
 and she just stared at me as if I had hurt her 
 
 which of course was far from any mind 
 
 there. 
 
 "Don't be scared," I says again. "You and 
 the baby will get good care. Just come with 
 us if you are able!" 
 
 When I spoke of the kid she give the poor 
 little smothered thing a quick look and drew 
 [150]
 
 HOLY SMOKES 
 
 her cloak around it closer. Gee ! but she looked 
 fierce! She had quit crying but not a word 
 out of her! 
 
 "You try!" I says to Ceasare. "The poor 
 thing niebbe understands French." 
 
 So Ceasare, who was as much shot to pieces 
 at the sight as I was, come forward. 
 
 "Madame!" says he, bowing with his cap in 
 his hand. Then he shoots a lot of French 
 about restes, au succuoor, and stuff I know 
 meant "cut the worry." But she didnt get it 
 any better than she had my line of talk, and 
 only kept on looking scared. 
 
 Well by this time Mac come out of his stu- 
 por; but there was no use trying Scotch on 
 her, that was plain. So there was nothing to 
 it except forward march. For one thing my 
 torch wouldnt of lasted much longer and for 
 another it sure was getting late. 
 
 "Does your cousin's uncle which owns the 
 barn have a house anywheres near, where we 
 could leave her?" I asked Ceasare. 
 
 "All dead in this town!" he says cheerfully. 
 "And this is the only building left I think it!" 
 
 "Then there's nothing to do but take her 
 along to headquarters," I says, and off we 
 started, she not saving a word. 
 [151]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 That was some trip! I want to tell you 
 sweetie it was the worst part of the whole war 
 to me. You know I got a heart and I felt 
 just fierce for that poor little German mother. 
 All the way in, while we was helping her along 
 I kept wishing I knew how on earth she come 
 to get in that place. She seemed real feeble 
 at times and we lifted her across the worst 
 places. I tried to get her to let me carry the 
 baby, but she held on to it like grim deatli and 
 wouldnt leave any of us touch it and it was 
 so quiet I commenced to get scared. 
 
 "More than likely its dead!" I whispered to 
 Ceasare and he thought so too. 
 
 Before we got in, we had carried her almost 
 a, mile, taking turns with her on our crossed 
 hands, and the odd feller guarding our Hun. 
 Arid then we came to the end of about the very 
 worst and longest hike I ever took including 
 the time the Queen of the Island Company 
 got stranded in Xew Rochelle. The sentry 
 across that mud hole of a slushy road was the 
 welcomest sight in the world. 
 
 "Wot the 'ell yer got?" he says when he 
 recognized us. 
 
 "One Gentleman Hun prisoner and one lady 
 ditto in very bad shape!" I says. 
 [152]
 
 HOLY SMOKES 
 
 "Wot the 'ell!" be says again. And then 
 he passed us and we reported. 
 
 Say sweetie, take it or leave it, but I had 
 honest clean forgot all about that wine which 
 we had been sent for in the first place. I tell 
 you I was so worried about that poor woman ! 
 And it was not until the five of us was stand- 
 ing in Capt. Ilaskell's quarters with the light 
 from his ceiling glaring at us and him also 
 glaring from behind his mustache, that I even 
 commenced to remember it. But I had to re- 
 port so I reported for the bunch of us and in 
 strict detail as good as I could remember. All 
 this while the woman sat in a chair, her face 
 like a stone, and my heart just aching for her. 
 
 Well, when I got through taking the most 
 nervous curtin-call of my life and take it or 
 leave it, if the German army would ever of 
 been as nervous as I was then, the war would 
 of ended that minute. Capt. Haskell beck- 
 oned to the lady. 
 
 "Come here, please!" he says very kind. 
 "And let re see the baby!" 
 
 She got up and went over very softly. Then 
 she stood in front of him and commenced to 
 laugh and laugh. 
 
 "Pigs of Americans!" she said. "Fools to 
 [153]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 carry me! That's not a baby its twenty car- 
 tons of cigarettes!" 
 
 Then she threw back her cloak and under it 
 there, she was dressed in Red Cross uniform. 
 
 "I disguised myself and went to the vil- 
 lage!" she went on in perfectly good English. 
 "And I bought all the tobacco there. 
 
 "On my way back to my own lines I was 
 fool enough to lose my way and to cry over 
 it! That is all!" 
 
 And its enough, aint it dear? For you do 
 get me, dont you? Them twenty cartons of 
 cigarettes was a miricle to us and the one we 
 needed the most of any right at that moment. 
 Eh, what? as the English say. And her tak- 
 ing such a chance to get them for Fritz shows 
 how bad off the German army must be, don't 
 it? And so tell this to your Ma and get her 
 to quit that foolish anti-smoke society she's 
 forming because its the bunk and I am ever 
 your loving life and dancing partner, 
 
 JIM. 
 
 P. S. Just got your letter. That certainly 
 is a good one on Ma. Smoking a pipe ! And 
 if you hadnt opened the door so sudden you'd 
 never in this world of caught her. And if she 
 does claim her grandmother did it too, all you 
 [154]
 
 HOLY SMOKES 
 
 got to say is so did many a soldier's grand- 
 mother. 
 
 P. S. No. 2. I forgot to say that a French 
 General has given us a kiss on both cheeks and 
 a medel for that job. And its the first time 
 I ever got anything but a headache by going 
 on a party. 
 
 [155]
 
 IV 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 AINT it funny the things that comes into a 
 person's head when they are rubbing cold 
 cream onto their nose? All sorts of stuff, 
 some of it good sense and some of it the bunk. 
 But most of it pretty near O.K. If some one 
 was to take down the ideas I get at such a sa- 
 cred hour, I'd be out of the dancing game and 
 into the highbrow class just as quick as the 
 printer got through his job. 
 
 It sure is a time when a woman's true 
 thoughts come to the surface along with the 
 dust and last night's make-up, and many a big 
 resolve lias been made owing to that cleanly 
 habit. Wasn't there some wise bird r^ade up 
 a quotation about cleanliness being next to 
 God knows what? Well, believe you me, its 
 the truth, for once a woman starts in with the 
 cold cream all alone, and she sure does it at 
 [156]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 no other time there is no telling what will 
 come of it beside a clean pink face. 
 
 With me personally myself, thats where 
 most of my ideas about life come from right 
 out of the cold cream tube! And while in- 
 dulging in this well known womanly occupa- 
 tion the other evening I commenced thinking 
 about rest and how important it is for us 
 Americans and of the way we go after it 
 like it was something we had to catch and catch 
 quick or it would get away from us. Do you 
 get me? If not, leave me tell you what a 
 friend of mine, which has just been mustard 
 out of the service says to me, when I w r as 
 checking up his experiences abroad while he 
 was checking up what the waiter had put down. 
 
 "My idea of rest?" he says. "Why taking 
 Belleau Woods after three restless weeks in 
 the trenches," he says. 
 
 Which sort of puts the nut in the shell, as 
 the saying is. And also at the same time re- 
 minds me of the rest I just recently took. 
 
 Xot that I generally need one any more 
 than any other thoroughly successful star, for 
 heavens knows the best known parlor dancing 
 act in the world and Broadway, which mine un- 
 doubtedly is, dont need to rest because the man-
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 agers theirselves always come after me and 
 resting I leave to the booking-agency hounds. 
 But this time it was bonea fido, and come about 
 in a sort of odd way. 
 
 To commence at the start it begun with me 
 falling for the movies, which Gawd knows I 
 only done it for the money, their being no art 
 in it, and they having hounded me into them 
 for a special fillum. And of course many well 
 known girls like Mary Garden and Nazimova 
 go into pictures and even myself, but its sim- 
 ply because of being hounded, as I say. But 
 once in you earn your money, believe you me, 
 and I have stood around waiting for the sun 
 like Moses, or whoever it was, until my feet 
 nearly froze to the pallasades before jumping 
 off, only of course it was a dummy they threw 
 after I had made the original motions of the 
 leap to death. And the worst part is once 
 you are signed up on one of these "payment 
 to be made wheather the party of the first part 
 (thats me) is working or not" you got to do 
 like they say, and a whole lot of the "not work- 
 ing" means plain standing around waiting for 
 the director or the camera-man or the rain to 
 quit, and what us public favorites suffers when 
 [158]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 on the job is enough to make the photogra- 
 phor's Favorite of Grainger, Wyo., abandon 
 the career she might of had in favour of do- 
 mestic service or something like that where 
 she'd get a little time to herself. 
 
 Well anyways my judgment having slipped 
 to the extent of having signed my sense of hu- 
 mor away for six months at twenty-two hun- 
 dred a week, I was in the very middle of a 
 fillum called the Bridge to Berlin when one 
 day, just as a big brute of a German officer 
 by the name of O'Flarety had me by the throat 
 in a French chateau, the studio manager comes 
 in and says the armistice is signed and the war 
 is over, and we was to quit as who would re- 
 lease a war fillum now and we was to start on 
 something entirely different, only he didn't 
 know what the hell it was to be and here was 
 eight thousand feet wasted and believe you 
 me I was sore myself for we had shot that 
 strangling sceene six times by then and my 
 marcelle wave was completely ruined by it, and 
 I would of liked to of had something to show 
 for it. 
 
 But anyways, orders was to quit and so me 
 and Ma and the two fool dogs and Musette 
 left the wilds of Jersey and after a stormy voy- 
 [159]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 age across the Hudson come safely home to 
 our modest little apartment on the drive, there 
 to not work at 22 hundred a week until Gold- 
 ringer got the studio manager to get the sce- 
 nario editor to get me a new story, which at 
 the price was not of long duration for while 
 Gawd knows they dont care how long a person 
 stands around waiting to be shot, they just 
 naturally hate to pay you for doing the same 
 thing at home in comfort. 
 
 Well anyways the bunk that scenario editor 
 picked out was something fierce. I wouldn't 
 of been screened dead in it. But it just hap- 
 pened I had a idea for a scenario myself, which 
 come about through somebody having give me 
 a book for Christmas and one night, the boy 
 having forgot to bring the papers, I read it. 
 And was it a cute book? It was! I had a 
 real good cry over it, and while it wasn't ex- 
 actly a book for a dancer, I could see that there 
 was good stuff in it. So finally : e and Ma 
 stopped into Goldringer's oiTice after he had 
 twice telephoned for me and handed him a lit- 
 tle surprise along with the volume. 
 
 "I got a idea for a picture, Al," I says, "and 
 here's the book of it." 
 
 "Well Miss La Tour, what's the name of it 
 [160]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 and idea?" says he, chewing on his cigar strong 
 and not even looking at the book but throwing 
 it to the stenographer, which is a general rule 
 always in the picture game and one reason we 
 don't see such a crowd of swell fillums. 
 
 "The name is Oliver Twist," I says. "It's a 
 juvinile lead the way it stands, but I want it 
 fixed up a little, with me as Olivette Twist- 
 the editor can fix it so's that will be all right. 
 It's really a swell part. I could wear boy's 
 clothes some of the time." 
 
 "Huh! Olivette Twist," says Goldringer, 
 taking back the book and looking at the cover 
 of it. "Always thought it was a breakfast 
 food! But if you say its O.K. we'd better get 
 it. Where is this feller Dickens? We'll wire 
 him for the rights. Friend of yours?" 
 
 You see, if anybody brings scenarios person- 
 ally, a star in particular, it's generally a 
 friends. 
 
 "No," I says. "It was sent me by Jim 
 along with a letter which shows the bird is well 
 known," I says. "And is in Westminister 
 Abby, London, England, which Jim says 
 proves his class. 
 
 "Must be a swell apartment," says Gold- 
 ringer. "All right we'll send a cable to him
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 and see if the picture rights is gone or not. If 
 the boy is so well known he may stick out for 
 a big price. This is Thursday. We may hear 
 from him by Monday or Tuesday, and we'll 
 get a scenario ready anyways so's we can begin 
 to shoot not later than a week from to-day. 
 Until then," he says, "run along and amuse 
 yourself and dont do anything I wouldnt." 
 
 Well, me and Ma was shown out then and 
 down on Broadway Ma see some salt-water 
 taffy in a drug-store and wanted to go in and 
 by it which I had to prevent because outside 
 of Ma being in no need of nourishment, she 
 weighing considerable over the heavy-weight 
 requirements already and Gawd knows if she 
 was to have went back into the circus it would 
 no longer be on the trapeese and a certain party 
 in the side-show would have a strong competi- 
 tor for her job and it wouldn't be the human 
 skeleton either. But leaving off the consid- 
 eration how would it look for us to go up the 
 Ave. in mv new wine-colored limousine which 
 I earned myself and no one can say different 
 with truth and eating stuff like that out of 
 a folded paper box? Ma certainly has my 
 health well in hand and heart and its seldom 
 we quarrel over any little thing, but she cer- 
 '[162]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 tainly has no class instinct, or instinct for class 
 do you get me? And when I try to make 
 her see that them little refinements is what 
 makes me the big success I am, she sometimes 
 kicks and if its hunger, its got to he met im- 
 mediately if not one way, why then another. 
 So in lieu, as the poet says, of the taffy I had 
 to take her to the Ritz and watch her put away 
 6 vanillia eclairs at two bits each and a quart 
 of cocoa, not that I begrudge the money, only 
 believe you me the wav all hotels charge nowa- 
 
 / / O 
 
 days is rapidly making Bolshivik out of even 
 we capatalists. Do you get me? You dol 
 But of course in my line you got to keep be- 
 fore the public in the right way. 
 
 Well anyways Ma complained over the loss 
 of that tally the whole way through the six 
 eclairs, which it was certainly a little hard on 
 nie to have to sit there and watch her while for 
 professional reasons eating only one of these 
 tomato surprises which never surprise but the 
 once, on my figures account, and certainly its 
 a fact that the two of us was doing the next 
 best thing to what we wanted instead of the 
 thing itself which is one of the prices of suc- 
 cess. So, as is also often the case at such 
 times, I was a little mean to Ma on account 
 [163]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 of having been mean already do you get me? 
 
 "Mamma" I says. "You certainly are get- 
 ting heavier. It's a crime for you to wear 
 these narrow skirts!" 
 
 Ma give me a searching look the same as used 
 to lead up to caster oil when I was a kid, and 
 then took the half of a eclair at one bit before 
 replying. 
 
 "Now Mary Gilligan you needn't take out 
 your artistic temperament or any other ailment 
 on me!" she says as firmly as the eclair would 
 permit. "Just because Jim is in France yet, 
 and your moleskin dolman was a failure and 
 you aint been occupied daily for a week or 
 more, and slipped up on doing your setting up 
 exercises this morning which I wouldnt of 
 mentioned only you started it," she says. "Its 
 no excuse for picking on me," she says. "What 
 if I am a little plump? My Gawd aint I 
 earned the right to be? What with three kids 
 and your Pa to bring up and the center tra- 
 peese in the circus right through it all except 
 when absolutely necessary? You dont know 
 what a woman can go through!" 
 
 "Dont I, just!" I snapped for my Gawd aint 
 it the truth every woman has the very worst 
 troubles that any woman ever had? And she
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 sure gets sore when another woman sets up to 
 go them one better! 
 
 "Xo you don't!" retorts Ma with that mad- 
 dening air of being older than me which she 
 uses to squelch me every time she cant get me 
 any other way. "]\ T o you dont!" she says. 
 "You never brought up three kids without a 
 nurse girl while on the trapeese you never 
 brought up a thing but two fool dogs and you 
 even leave them to the carelessness of a per- 
 sonal maid," she says. "Poor dears, Gawd 
 knows what will become of their little canine 
 minds and morals!" 
 
 "Now Ma!" I begged, because she aughter 
 know that is a sore point with me and not in- 
 tention, and she had me on the raw. 
 
 "Well then!" she says. "You got a swell 
 job and no troubles only mabe a sluggish liver 
 and you aint the only w r oman in America which 
 Gen. Pershing cant yet spare the husband of," 
 she says. "And mabe I do need to reduce a 
 little," which was her w r ay of apologizing. 
 And just as this lull occurred \vlio should come 
 into sight but Maison Rosabelle, her which runs 
 the shop where myself and all the most chic 
 professionals gets their clothes. She was all 
 dressed up like a plush horse with real sables, 
 [165]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 part of which must of come off them, simple 
 refined little gowns I had made for the Bridge 
 to Berlin that was ruined by the armistice. Her 
 hair had just been rehennered and her face was 
 as fresh as a tea-rose straight from the f ragrent 
 facial massage. She smiled and sailed down 
 on the two of us which we welcomed with the 
 usual relief of a family quarreling when neither 
 sees the way to win out and have got to go on 
 living together. In other words she auto- 
 matically buried the hatchet for us, as the 
 school books say. 
 
 "So pleased to of run into you, dearies!" 
 she says. "For I'm goin' to Atlantic City to- 
 morrow for a little rest." 
 
 No sooner was them w r ords out from between 
 her lip-rouge than I see a vision of salt-water 
 taffy arising in Ma's eyes. Believe you me 
 Ma is certainly hard to pry loose from any- 
 thing she has once set her imind on! And 
 Maison had to continue in that cordial manner. 
 
 "Why (lont you run down for a few days?" 
 she says. "It'll do you good. You're look- 
 ing kinda pulled down Mrs. Gilligan!" she 
 says and of course Ma fell for that. 
 
 "I do feel a little low!" she says, finishing 
 off her cocoa. "And Mary Marie here is 
 [166]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 waiting until they get a answer to a cable which 
 was sent to England by the studio. I under- 
 stand we may have quite a wait, so I really 
 believe we might go along." 
 
 II 
 
 Now as I looked at Ma it come over me that 
 mabe she had the right dope. When people 
 that live together, especially if not friends, but 
 relations, commence to get a little on erih oth- 
 ers nerves, going away on a trip is good for 
 what ails them. The only trouble is that in 
 the case oi females they generally go together. 
 Still, with the whole bunch of new and differ- 
 ent stuff it gives them to fight over R.R. 
 tickets, and who wired for these horrid rooms, 
 and I told you to bring a heavier coat, and 
 etc., they generally get straightened out quite 
 a lot. Even the idea of going along with 
 Maison didnt worry me then, I having been 
 on tower many a time when the Xo. 1 Company 
 went out and Ma the same for years, and we 
 generally speak, even to the publicity man, no 
 matter if we have made Rochester, Buffalo and 
 Chicago in a quick jump playing matinees as 
 well. So I am without the wholesome and well 
 [167]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 founded fear of taking a pleasure-trip with 
 friends which is the hitter fruit of most per- 
 sons experience of the same. Besides, I sort 
 of like liaison, which of course her real name 
 is Maisie Brady, and her funny little husband, 
 which is also still in France, she not being de- 
 pendant any more than myself nor would she 
 hold him back from serving his country only 
 I dont hardly believe she urged him to go for 
 quite the patriotic reasons I did, he having been 
 a traveling man and so when he retired on her 
 income she didnt feel as natural and affection- 
 ate and homelike and all that as when he was 
 away n.ost of the time. But at any rate I and 
 she were both war-widows and old friends from 
 the time her mother was lady-lion tamer and 
 mine on the trapeese, and so in spite of the 
 bills she charges me she has more refinement 
 than most people and so I says all right, we'll 
 go to Atlantic City and we'll be on the one 
 twenty train to-morrow. 
 
 "Thats sweet, dearie!" says Maison. 
 "We '11 get a swell rest!" 
 
 Then she set sail and was off with a Jewish 
 
 gentleman friend, which had been waiting at 
 
 the entrance all this time with a gardenia in 
 
 his buttonhole. And Ma and me called for 
 
 [168]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 the check and dogs and limousine and hitched 
 our way homeward through the trade to our 
 quiet little apartment with 7 windows with 
 the beautiful outlook of the river and the R.R. 
 tracks and etc. 
 
 Then while Musette packed only three 
 trunks and my gold-fitted dressing case and 
 a couple of hat boxes and my specially designed 
 jewellery box and the travelling hamper for 
 the dogs, we having decided to travel liglit and 
 probably not stay over three or four days, Ma 
 went into the all-tiled kitchen and commenced 
 getting up a little smack of cold beef and po- 
 tato salad and fried cheese sandwiches and 
 coffee and a few hot biscuits and honey so's we 
 wouldn't have to go out and eat, which Ma 
 certainly loves to do and no cook ever stands 
 it for more than a w r eek and the current cook's 
 week was up that morning before we went 
 downtown. 
 
 Well anyway while she was doing this I went 
 into the drawing-room which is all fitted up 
 in handsome gold furniture that the dealer 
 said was one of the Louis periods. Louis Co- 
 hen I guess, I never remember quite. And 
 to put a record on the phonograph in the case 
 I had especially built in the same style at fifty 
 [169]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 dollars extra and all the instalments paid, and 
 streached out as good as I could manage to on 
 the chaise loung, which is a sort of house- 
 broken steamer-chair, and while John Macor- 
 mik's own voice sang my little grey home in the 
 west to me in the privacy of my own home, I 
 thought dreamingly about Jim and how much I 
 was missing him and how swell we danced to- 
 gether and how kind and loving and brave he 
 was and how refined, and believe me he's about 
 the only theatrical male that don't murder a 
 dress suit, arid how horrible it was to be sepe- 
 rated from him after being married only two 
 weeks and what fools w r e was to have danced to- 
 gether in every first-class theatre in America 
 and only got married so recent, for if only 
 we'd been murried sooner rnabe the pain of sep- 
 aration wouldnt of been so great by now. Who 
 knows? And believe you me it was some pain, 
 and I had ; yself crying before I knew it. For 
 I sure am stuck on that poor simp ;vnd my only 
 war-work a hit been done on the :-,c;rene, Gawd 
 knows, when I give him up to whatever the 
 Allies was fighting for, which if it dont turn 
 out to be as represented, believe you me, my- 
 self and a whole lot of other girls is going to 
 want to know wh!!
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 Well anyways, before Ma had the biscuits 
 baked and I had run jada jada and sing me 
 to sleep, I was wild to get away to the pure 
 country ocean air and some healthy outdoor 
 exercise which would help me forget my lone- 
 liness. And a lot of quiet and rest and sleep, 
 with the ocean pounding me to the pillow and 
 all that. 
 
 I had only a sort of twenty minute small 
 time sketch of a idea of what Atlantic City 
 was like on account of me having been there 
 for openings only and getting in at four forty 
 five with tiie show beginning at eight fifteen 
 and the washup you need after the trip and 
 Ma always insisting on me doing a twenty 
 minute practice in r. y room and underwear be- 
 fore every opening which is perfectly correct 
 and one of the principal things which has made 
 my handsprings what they are, and getting 
 dinner far enough in advance to do the hand- 
 springs in time. I knew little nor nothing of 
 what Jim calls the Coney Island that went to 
 finishing school except that there is swimming 
 and horseback riding and a boardwalk that 
 any one without French heels to catch in the 
 cracks can have a elegant w r alk on. What lit- 
 tle sniff of air I had outside the theatre and my 
 [171]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 bedroom at the hotel give me a appatite for 
 more, which up to now I never had the oppor- 
 tunity to get because of always being with a 
 high-class show that went right back to N.Y. 
 Sunday to open on Broadway. But now I was 
 going like a regular American lady citizen to 
 rest and get full of health and do as the regu- 
 lar resorters did. And I was glad. I was so 
 anxious to keep myself in a pure atmosphere 
 for Jim's sake and the studio wasn't exactly the 
 farm do you get me? You do! And a rest 
 in the country was the very thing. I got quite 
 excited thinking about it; dried n:y tears, 
 stopped the phonograph and made sure that 
 Musette put in my riding suit, bathing ditto, 
 and walking boots. And when this was done 
 I felt better already as the saying is, and fully 
 able to take some of the nourishment Ma had 
 got up. 
 
 The minute we set down to the table I see 
 that she had also been making good resolu- 
 tions and waited till she got ready to confess. 
 It come after the seventh tea-biscuit and honey. 
 On her part I mean, I only taking coldmeat 
 and salad and things I dont like much, for 
 reasons before stated. 
 
 "Mary Gilligan!" she says. "I believe I'm 
 [172]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 getting heavier," she says, just as if it occurred 
 to her for the first time. "And I have decided 
 that while I am away to Atlantic City I wont 
 eat to amount to anything and reduce in other 
 ways the whole time I'm there!" 
 
 "You dont say," I says, without batting an 
 eye. "Do you really think you need to?" 
 
 "I do !" she says. "This is my last real meal. 
 And you needn't try to persuade me out of it." 
 
 I didn't. And next morning right after 
 breakfast we caught the one twenty, hats, dogs, 
 Musette, and all, and met up with Maison 
 Rosabelle, which w r as dressed in a simple little 
 trotters costume of chiffon and ermine which 
 looked like it had been made in Babylon. I 
 mean B.C. not L.I. And with her was a little 
 surprise in the way of the same Jewish gen- 
 tleman, Mr. Freddy Mayer, with another gar- 
 denia on him and a fine line of plausable ex- 
 plinations. 
 
 "Aint it a co-co-strange, Freddy just hap- 
 pens to be going our way!" cooed Maisie w r ith 
 all the innocence of a X.Y. livery-stable pid- 
 geon. 
 
 "Yes, I'm taking a special offering of cham- 
 pagne to a special friend in the hotel business 
 there," says Mr. Freddy. "And with three 
 [173]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 such beautiful lady companions its no hard- 
 ship to leave Manhattan behind nor the 
 Bronx," says he gaily. "Altho when we come 
 back we may find the Aldermen has decided 
 to change both names after July first," says 
 the humorous dog. 
 
 "Will you please kindly open this window a 
 little?" I intrupped him. "The air in here 
 aint so good as it was." 
 
 I dorit know did this get over, but believe 
 you me I didn't care for that well washed 
 young wine-seller at all, nor for his company. 
 And it was a relief when he done as I asked 
 and him and Maison found their seats was at 
 the other end of the car. In a way I can un- 
 derstand her liking traveling-men but not up 
 to the point of traveling with one, even by semi- 
 accident. And so opening the Motion Picture 
 Gazette to look at the double-page spread of 
 myself "Who has at length been lured by the 
 artistic possibilities of the picture world," and 
 keeping a eye on Ma to see would she stop the 
 candy-boy, settled down to the soothing sound 
 of Maison's laugh, and begun my quiet little 
 trip to ITealthlarid. 
 
 There is a large variaty of ladies which have 
 husbands still in the army, but believe you me
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 they certainly got one thing in common, or 
 else no looks at all. And that is, the tempta- 
 tion to take up with other company to some 
 degree. Because of course while the war was 
 holding the stage a husband's absence could be 
 stood, but what with this peace-hyphen in the 
 fighting and everything, you cant help but 
 commence wondering what kind of a girl is 
 detaining him over there and feel inclined to 
 have a understudy kind of waiting off stage in 
 self defence. For believe you me, there seems 
 to be something sort of attractive about a war- 
 widow and the ones which ignores the fact and 
 minds their own affairs is the real patriotic 
 women of America. 
 
 Xot that I want to say a word about Maison, 
 and what happened to me after the end of that 
 train ride on which I was sitting so superior- 
 minded, taught me a lesson; because its a cinch 
 to be good when you want to be. A person 
 which has suffered themselves is slow to bawl 
 out the other fellow so quick next time. Do 
 you get me? Xot yet. 
 
 Well, after we had rolled by the lovely 
 
 scenery and read the handsome ad. signs on 
 
 either hand, not to mention the pipe-line, and 
 
 got the invigorating smell of low tide in our 
 
 [175]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 eager nostrils, we come out on that quiet little 
 country railroad station platform, our des- 
 tination, to be greeted by only several hun- 
 dred busses and a thousand or so taxi-cabs, 
 each yelling at the top of their voices. As we 
 got off the train Maison rushes up to us and 
 pipes a cheering little question. 
 
 "Where are we going, dearie?" she said, 
 blithly. 
 
 "Where are we going?" I says. "Maison 
 Rosabelle, do you mean to say you didn't wire 
 no place for rooms?" 
 
 "Why no!" says Maison. "Didn't you?" 
 
 "Certainly not!" I says. "I never wired 
 for rooms in my whole life. The advance 
 agent always done that for me." 
 
 "Well Mary Gilligan, I'm not your advance 
 agent!" she snapped, and then she kind of 
 looked at Mr. Freddy in a sweet, helpless 
 womanly fashion expecting him to fork up a 
 little help. But it seems Mr. Freddy was one 
 of these birds that only think to take care of 
 his own comfort. lie had a room alright al- 
 right at the Traymore. And he meant to 
 keep it! 
 
 "We'll take the bus to there," he suggested. 
 "I'm sure there'll be lots of room." 
 [170]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 But no bus for me on account of profes- 
 sional reasons. So we took one taxi for him and 
 us and another for Musette and the dogs and 
 the bags, and then commenced a round of seek- 
 ing for shelter as the poet says, which had the 
 "Two Orphans" skun a mile. We went to six 
 hotels and not a room among them. Believe 
 you me, there is just one person can make you 
 feel cheaper than a Atlantic City hotel clerk 
 when he says "Xo reservations?" and lifts his 
 arched brows, and that is the head waiter when 
 he says "nothing to drink?" and you say "yes, 
 nothing!" Well, thank Gawd thats one thing 
 prohibition will prohibit. 
 
 Well anyways, we tried six hotels until at 
 last we come to a little place where the young 
 feller at the desk give his reluctant consent to 
 our admission. It was a simple little place 
 done quitely in red plush and gold and marble 
 columns, very restful with not over a hundred 
 people sitting about in the lobby, listning not 
 to the sad sea waves but to a jazz orchestra 
 and inhaling the nice fresh tobacco smoke of 
 which the air was full. 
 
 Well, Mr. Freddy give a gasp of relief and 
 bid us good-by, after dating up Maisie for din- 
 ner, and a flock of bell-hops hopped upon our 
 [177]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 stuff and we commenced a walking tower to 
 our rooms. As \ve started off down the Alley- 
 way, Maison give me a nudge. 
 
 "Look it, that sweet young officer! Aint 
 he handsome?" she whispers only just loud 
 enough for him to hear. And before I thought 
 I turned my head and he certainly was easy 
 to look at. He looked, in fact like a cross be- 
 tween a clothing ad. and a leading juvinille 
 with a touch of bear-cat in him to make a regu- 
 lar he-man out of him. He was a captain, al- 
 though so young, and had a cute little mous- 
 tache and had that blue-blooded air you know 
 like a Boston accent even without hearing 
 him speak. And he w r as sitting all alone un- 
 der a big poster advertising a entertainment 
 for the benefit of blind soldiers or something. 
 Of course I didn't notice him at all, because 
 I being a perfect lady I dont do them things. 
 But I couldnt help seeing that he didn't blush 
 at what Maisie said, although I knew he heard 
 it, but a sort of crinkly expression come up 
 round his nice blue eyes as if he thought us 
 comic or something. It made me just boil be- 
 cause my clothes is nothing if not refined and 
 I never wear anything but a little powder on 
 my nose when off the stage, and if its one thing 
 [178]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 gets my goat it is to be taken for a show-girl 
 which undoubtedly he thought the two of us 
 M r as and they not in his class, for even with the 
 passing glance I had taken I could see he was 
 used to the Vanderbilts and all that set and had 
 never had to be taught to take his daily tub. 
 Do you get me? 
 
 So I walked like I hadnt looked, and of 
 course I really hadnt, and proceeded to the be- 
 fore the war section of the hotel and the hand- 
 some suite all fitted in real varnished pine and 
 carpets just like a Rochester boarding house 
 when I was on the small time before I made 
 my big success, and it made me feel quite at 
 home or would of only for what I knew the 
 difference in price was going to be. I guessed 
 it just as soon as I heard Ma gasping over the 
 hotel rules which she was reading. I went over 
 and looked at them too, and at first I couldn't 
 see nothing unusual about them. There was 
 the usual bunk about the management not be- 
 ing responsible for the guest in any way, and 
 Gawd knows how could they be and I dont 
 blame them. And then, a little ways down I 
 see what had got Ma stirred up. It seems dogs 
 was ten dollars a week per each, and of course 
 [179]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 we had two of them and Ma never has cared 
 for my two, anyways. 
 
 "Well, I hope the sea air will be good for 
 the poor little lambs," she says very sarcastic. 
 "Mebbe it'll make 'em grow into police-dogs 
 or something useful!" 
 
 Well I see by this that the salt air had not 
 yet got to x.la, although the troublesome jour- 
 ney had. And so I put on a simple little suit of 
 English tweed and low heeled shoes and a 
 walking hat, which seemed to me the right 
 thing for the country, and went out to pry off 
 a little health before dinner. 
 
 The outdoors was something grand. The 
 air was as good a cocktail as a person would 
 want, and the lights along the boardwalk was 
 co ; ing out like dandelion blossoms. There 
 was hardly anybody around just a few here 
 and there and the surf of that wi:;c and cruel 
 ocean which Jim was the oilier skle of, was 
 breaking close to the rail in big white ostrich 
 plumes. Overhead the sky was as clear and 
 high as a circular drop with the violet lights on 
 it, and a few clean stars was coming out. It 
 was just cold enough to make a person want 
 to walk fast until the blood got singing through 
 you and you wanted to shout and run, only of 
 [180]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 course no lady would. But just the same, I 
 commenced to feel glad I hadnt died when I 
 had the measles, and I loved everybody and 
 had a great career before me and and oh 
 that grand yearning happy feeling which 
 comes out of being young and full of strength 
 and a good bank-account. Do you get me? 
 You do! 
 
 Well anyways, here I was walking like I 
 had money on it and burning a tune to myself, 
 when along comes a man the other way, walk- 
 ing two to my one, and burning the same tune, 
 "How I hate to get up in the morning," it 
 was. When he heard me and I heard him we 
 both sort of half stopped out of surprise, and 
 I got a good look at him. It was the young 
 Captain from the hotel. 
 
 He also give a start of surprise when he seen 
 me, showing he recognized me just as good as 
 I did him. Only it was a real, genuine start, 
 as if he realized something more than the fact 
 he had seen me at the hotel. Then he smiled 
 a smile which would of done any dental ad. 
 proud, and passed along, looking back over his 
 shoulder once. While I went along minding 
 my own business and only know he looked back 
 on account of my happening to look back to 
 [181]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 see how far I had gone. I went a mile further 
 and somehow that smile of his stuck in my mind 
 and made me sort of happy for no reason, and 
 at the same time awful extra lonesome for 
 Jim. I made up my mind I would get Jim a 
 new car for a surprise when he come home and 
 I would send him a extra box of eats this week 
 and some of them cigarettes he likes so well, 
 and a whole lot of stuff like that, the way a 
 woman does at such a time. Do you get me? 
 Probably. 
 
 "Well anyways, I walked myself into a ter- 
 rible enthusiasm over Jim, and then come back 
 to the hotel. Which, by the way, its a strange 
 thing how much further it is ceiling back to a 
 Atlantic City hotel than walking away from 
 it. And there at the door was ?\Ia with the 
 two dogs. A real strange sight for I never 
 knew her to take them out before, and it looked 
 like a guilty conscience, for she give me a peek 
 out of the corner of her eye for some reason 
 and then hastily explained how she had thought 
 she'd take them herself this time instead of 
 ^Musette. Well, we got rid of the dogs and 
 then co re down to dinner where Maison sailed 
 down upon us all dressed up and no place to 
 go, for it seems this Mr. Freddy had stood her 
 [182]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 up on the dinner, having telephoned he'd be 
 over later with a friend or two hut business pre- 
 vented him paying for her meal, or at least 
 thats what I expect he meant. And Maison 
 was wild. But she had to eat dinner with us, 
 and register a bunch of complaints between 
 bowing to friends and so forth. 
 
 "The luck I have!" she says. "That guy 
 Freddy doesn't think any more of a nickle than 
 he does of his right arm! And with all the 
 conventions which is held at this town of course 
 we would have to pick on the date the Baptist 
 ministers was here! Its a fact! The clerk 
 told me. And what is more if there ain't Ruby 
 Iloselle and Goldringer and will you look at 
 that wine and it twelve a quart without the 
 tax! Well, of all things!" 
 
 in 
 
 And there sure enough was Ruby across the 
 room with Goldringer, which he evidently had 
 come down to wait for the answer to that cable 
 in the fresh air, and I suppose Ruby was a ac- 
 cident, the same as Freddy, for goodness 
 knows, I wouldnt say a thing against her even 
 behind her back and a good deal could be said 
 [183]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 behind what shows of it when in costume. But 
 I wouldnt say it anyhow, because even if it was 
 the truth that woman would sue a person for 
 liabale if only to get her name in the paper. 
 And if she happened to be taking dinner with 
 Goldringer, Gawd knows, its a comparatively 
 free country and he's her manager as well as 
 mine and its a good thing to assume its only 
 business whenever possible as thinking the best 
 of people never hurt anybody yet. 
 
 Also across the room all by himself was that 
 young Captain, and he looked over twice but 
 of course I pretended it was the picture on the 
 wall over his head which had took my eye. Al- 
 together that strange dining room wasiit much 
 more lonesome to us than the Ritz or Astor for 
 tea would of been. But the most remarkable 
 part of the meal was Ma. Because she didn't 
 touch it! Actually, and it the American pian 
 which would tempt one of these Ascetics if 
 for no other reason but that you have to pay 
 for it anyway. And all she took was a piece 
 
 / *' .i. 
 
 of meat about the size of a dime and n leaf 
 of salad. 
 
 "I'm going to stick by what I said if only 
 because you said I wouldnt!" she says, look- 
 [184]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 ing me square in the eye. "Diet is my middle 
 name." 
 
 Well, I mentally give her until to-morrow 
 on that but said nothing at the time. And we 
 went out into the lounge where I-Ir. Freddy 
 and three friends was already lounging 1 and 
 after they had joined us, Goldringer and Ruby 
 did the same, and the drinks commenced to 
 flow with that frantic haste like into a river 
 at the edge cf the ocean as the poet says, mean- 
 ing because its near its finish. "While I, never 
 using any alcohol myself except to remove my 
 make up, sat there flushed with Eevo, and 
 couldn't help noticing the way the Captain 
 which he was still all alone, looked over at the 
 menagerie, and it made me boil for how could 
 I help that piker Freddy and his cheap friends 
 and the rest, and believe you me there are many 
 perfect ladies in pictures and on the stage, only 
 the public dont often recognize them because 
 they are swamped with a bunch of roughnecks 
 which all are popularly supposed to be. 
 
 It was a big relief when the Captain, got up 
 and went away about nine, and left us to a 
 endurance contest as to which could sit up the 
 longest in that refreshing atmosphere of 
 cigarette smoke and drinks and ten-dollar per- 
 [185]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 fume with the sad sea waves beating vainly 
 outside the carefully glass enclosed verandah 
 until one o'clock when I personally went to 
 bed leaving them to their fate. 
 
 I give the telephone operator a terrible 
 shock by leaving a call for seven thirty, and 
 when it come I put on my riding suit which 
 I had left from a dance called "The Call to 
 Hounds" which Jim and me done at the Palace 
 just before he enlisted, and went out into the 
 keen morning air. And it was some air! 
 Then I commenced to look around for horses 
 but had great difficulty in finding the same, for 
 it seems the Atlantic City horses dont get up 
 any earlier than most of the visitors, and be- 
 lieve you me I and a few coons which were 
 picking up scraps and so forth off the board- 
 walk, was the only birds in sight at that hour. 
 Well anyways I walked along breathing in that 
 sweet air at about fifty cents per breath by the 
 hotel rates, but feeling pretty good in spite of 
 it, when I actually found a place where the 
 horses was up or mabe they had been all 
 night. I got a horse which looked consider- 
 able like a moth-eaten property one but could 
 go pretty good and commenced to ride gently 
 along what seemed to be my private ocean, 
 [186]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 when all of a sudden who would I see but the 
 young Captain riding very good indeed. He 
 come up to me on high and then tried to put 
 on the brakes when he seen who it was, but the 
 horse had its mind on something else and 
 wouldnt, so he got by me but not without a 
 "Good morning!" Which I thought fairly safe 
 to smile at seeing we was so rapidly going in 
 opposite directions. But it seems he must of 
 spoke roughly to his steed for he come up be- 
 hind me and spoke with just that grand refined 
 Big-Time drawing-room act accent I knew by 
 his little moustache he would have. 
 
 "I say! What luck!" he says. "You are 
 Miss Marie LaTour, are you not?" 
 
 Was I sore? I was. Any lady would be 
 and of course after the company he seen me in 
 at the hotel what could I expect but to be 
 picked up? But more particularly as he had 
 my name and it with a good reputation, and 
 no one can say different with truth, I simply 
 had to show him where he got off. 
 
 "Sir!" I says, just like a play. "Sir! I do 
 not know you. Please beat it at once!" 
 
 "I know, but really!" he begged, flashing 
 that white smile. "I'm not trying to be im- 
 pertenant let me explain. . . ." 
 [187]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 "Explain nothing!" I says very haughty. 
 "I wont listen.'* 
 
 "But I'm not doing what you think 1" he 
 cries out. "Please wait until you hear. . . ." 
 
 "I've heard that 'please listen' stuff before," 
 I says. "Good-hy!" 
 
 And then I done the bravest act of my life, 
 not being really acquainted with horses, espe- 
 cially Atlantic City ones. I give the horse a 
 lash and off we went, I trying hard to give the 
 impression of a good rider and not looking 
 back because I dasn't with that animal headed 
 for the steel pier full clip. But 1 heard the 
 Captain's remarks, just the same. 
 
 "By Jove, I'll make you listen to me just 
 for that!" he says. And I heard no more, for 
 the bird which keeps the horses come out and 
 rescued me just before we hit the pier and I 
 got off and started for the hotel, boiling with 
 rage. Me treated like a common chorus girl! 
 Me, once the best known parlor dancing act 
 in the world, and now even more so on the mo- 
 tion picture screen and a lady or dead! I 
 wouldnt of looked at that guy again on a bet 
 I made up my mind right then and there to 
 show him his mistake and that if my accent 
 wasnt as good as his my morals was better and 
 [188]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 no attempt on his part could get me to speak 
 to him again. 
 
 Well in this state of mind I run into Ma, 
 just before we reached the hotel which she was 
 hurrying to just ahead of me, and believe you 
 me I was sure surprised because I never knew 
 her out so early although she generally is up by 
 seven, but with her curlpapers still on and a 
 kimona and thats different from coming out 
 in public. 
 
 "I've been taking my exercise!" she says 
 before I could speak. "And I'm glad to see 
 you do the same," she says. 
 
 And I certainly had to hand it to her 
 strength cf mind because after being out so 
 early and all she eat was only tea and dry 
 toast for breakfast. 
 
 After which we stopped by the ofTlce and 
 just before we got there I see the Captain give 
 a note to the clerk and walk away. AVlien we 
 asked for mail that note was the first thing the 
 clerk handed me. 
 
 "Captain llaymond just left this for you 
 Miss LaTour," he says. 
 
 I didnt even open it. 
 
 "Kindly return it," I says, very dignified, 
 giving it back, and looked over my other irail. 
 [189]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 But no letter from my husband, which is al- 
 ways the way on a day a woman most needs 
 one. So I went upstairs very low in my mind 
 and sort of glad that even if Jim couldn't think 
 to write there was others would be glad enough 
 to if they was let. And then I went and got 
 Maison out of bed which she was taking her 
 breakfast in. 
 
 "You come down here for your health and 
 look what you do to it!" I says, and made her 
 go for a boardwalk which she held out for about 
 half a hour and no wonder with the heels she 
 wears, and then stopped rue with a gasp. 
 
 "Dearie, you surely must be the one that 
 put the hell in health," she says, "For heavens 
 sakes leave us sit down." 
 
 Well we did, and in about five minutes along 
 comes Mr. Freddy with a friend, Mr. Stern- 
 berg, and it was remarkable how quick Maison 
 recovered her strength, with the result that we 
 spent a quiet little moniing and about fifty dol- 
 lars of I'Ir. Sternberg's money on shooting- 
 galleries and throwing rings and carousels and 
 a Japanese auction and other restful seaside 
 sports, and ended at a quiet little cafe simply 
 done in paper roses and rubber palm trees 
 where the drinks was only seventy-five cents 
 [190]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 per each and I had to sit and watch them again. 
 Ma having gone off to exercise and not appear- 
 ing to want me along with her. 
 
 Well anyways I was sort of relieved over 
 not having to cat lunch with Captain Raymond 
 looking on hack at the hotel, and was just 
 thinking of it when who would come into that 
 cafe but the Captain himself, alone except for 
 another oITicer, a Lieutenant with his arm in 
 a sling and caught sight of me the very min- 
 ute he sat down. 
 
 Well of course I didnt look over at him but 
 I couldnt help noticing lie called a waiter and 
 wrote a note on a piece of paper and that the 
 waiter brought it over to me. 
 
 And Maison seen it too, and her gentleman 
 friends the same, and did they kid me? They 
 did! But I kept the bird which had brought 
 the note over while I tore it in two without 
 reading it and sent it back again that w r ay and 
 believe you me that got over, because I could 
 see Captain Raymond turn red all the way 
 across the noisy room. 
 
 Well I thought that had settled it and spent 
 
 a mournful if busy afternoon in another cafe 
 
 where there was lots of smoke and a Jazz band 
 
 and dancing and Maison w r as real happy be- 
 
 [191]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 cause she had finally got Mr. Freddy to spend 
 a nickle and a half. But I was lower than 
 ever in my mind thinking how much more often 
 some soldiers seemed able to write than others. 
 
 Well, after we had taken a nice walk in the 
 fresh air nearly three blocks long, I got back 
 to the hotel to find that Goldringer was giving 
 a, party that night beginning with dinner and 
 of course Ma and me was booked for it and no 
 escape because of my contract with him. And 
 it was some party and at twelve o'clock that 
 night I dragged my weary bones down the cor- 
 ridor after the second day of my rest, feeling 
 that I would pass out any minute. A person 
 certainly does need their strength to enjoy a 
 American health resort. 
 
 The next morning I didn't even attempt to 
 get up for any wild west exhibit. I hadn't the 
 pep for one thing arid the Captain was another 
 reason of course. And when I finally come 
 down-stairs and see Ma eat practically noth- 
 ing, I let her set off right away after breakfast 
 without me for exercise was nothing in my life. 
 I strolled around the lobby waiting for Maison 
 Rosabelle according to her request and there I 
 seen a big poster which I had noticed before, 
 the one about the entertainment for the bene- 
 [192]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 fit of blind soldiers which the Captain had been 
 sitting under the first time I he saw me, and 
 I went over and read it and the entertainment 
 was to come off that very night. And while 
 I was reading it the second time the way a per- 
 son does in a hotel lobby, up comes Captain 
 Raymond and actually speaks right there 
 where a sceane would of proved me no lady. 
 
 "Please, Miss LaTour!" he says. "It's so 
 important" 
 
 "Kindly do not force me to call for assist- 
 ance," I says low and quiet. "You are a 
 stranger to me." 
 
 "But you doiit understand!" he says, flush- 
 ing up red the attractive way he had for all he 
 was so fresh. 
 
 "Indeed I do," I says. "I haverit been in 
 the theatrical world since three generations for 
 nothing," I says. "Kindly go away!" 
 
 "If you would only listen for five minutes, 
 I'd prove how mistaken you are!" he says. 
 "Won't you give me a chance?" 
 
 "No!" I says. 
 
 "By Heavens, I'll make you!" he says, half 
 laughing. "I've never seen anything so ab- 
 surd! Why my dear lady. . . ." 
 
 Right then up comes Maison in a simple lit- 
 [193]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 tie Xmas tree of a dress in green and gold and 
 red, and I broke away and took her arm, and 
 hurried her out through the front door, leav- 
 ing the Captain staring after us and rather 
 against Alison's will. 
 
 "Why didn't you introduce me, dearie?" she 
 says. "I kind a thought you'd pick up that 
 bird!" 
 
 "I didn't pick him up. I turned him down !" 
 I snapped. .Cut Maispn kidded me the whole 
 three hours while we was in the beauty-par- 
 lours getting waived and manicured. 
 
 IV 
 
 Then we had a nice wholesome little lunch 
 lasting only three hours and comparatively 
 quiet and by ourselves, seeing there was only 
 Goldringer and Ruby Roselle and Maison and 
 Freddy and O'Flaraty, our leading juvenile 
 who had turned up, and Mr. Sternberger and 
 a friend of Ma's which used to be in the circus 
 with her, and Ma and myself. And all the 
 way through I watched Ma kind of anxiously, 
 for she only toyed with a little salad and passed 
 up everything else. I was by this time really 
 scared she would be haggard or something, but 
 [194]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 she looked fine, and not a word of complaint 
 out of her, only toward four o'clock she got 
 kind of restless, and so did I, so we excused 
 ourselves, and walked to the door together. 
 
 "You needn't come along with re, Mary 
 Gilligan," she says. "I want to walk real 
 fast." 
 
 I looked at her sort of surprised at that, but 
 at the time the queerness didn't really sink in. 
 And I was so wore out I was actually glad to 
 let her go alone and personally, myself, I took 
 one of those overgrown baby-carriages or roll- 
 ing chairs which I thought a healthy young 
 person like myself would never come to, and 
 sank into it Kke the poor weary soul I was, 
 and let the coon tuck me in like a six-months- 
 old, and off we went as fast as a snail. 
 
 Well it was pleasanter than I had thought it 
 would be and I got kind of drowsy and dreamy 
 and somehow I couldnt help but think of Cap- 
 tain Raymond and how refined and nice he was 
 and how iry fame and beauty had captured 
 him to the extent that it had almost made him 
 forget to act like a gentleman, and ho-.v lie per- 
 sisted like a regular story book hero. And I 
 wondered if he would shoot himself on my ac- 
 count, and that threw a awful scare into me, 
 [195]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 for handsome women have a terrible responsi- 
 bility in the way they treat men. And I won- 
 dered was I really doing the right thing, tak- 
 ing such a risk by treating him so sever and not 
 speaking and here he was in the service of his 
 country and all and Gawd knows I might be 
 wrecking his whole life from then on. And 
 furthermore I thought how hard it is to be re- 
 fined and what a lot a person has to sacrifice 
 to it, and that the roughnecks of this world 
 seem to have most of the fun. And that it was 
 certainly hard to be dignified but that my whole 
 career was built on my refinement no less than 
 my great talent, and I must respect my own 
 position. Ah well, uneasy lies the tooth that 
 wears a crown as the poet says, or something! 
 
 And by this ti:r.e the coon had got tired 
 pushing me and turning my face sea-ward had 
 gone to take a rest and I took one too and 
 actually fell asleep. 
 
 When I woke up I was moving again, going 
 slow in the direction of the Inlet, and I felt 
 quite refreshed and happy, and the whole of 
 Atlantic City appeared to feel the same, for 
 everybody I passed smiled and seemed to be 
 enjoying theirselve. And they all seemed to 
 smile at me in such a sweet, friendly way it 
 [196]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 made my heart feel awful good. I was even 
 quite surprised because although of course I 
 am used to being recognized every place I go, 
 but still, more people than ever was doing it 
 this afternoon. I begun to think I must be 
 looking pretty good and that my hat, about 
 which I had had a few doubts, w r as a big suc- 
 cess after all. It really was a sort of tri- 
 umphal progress as the saying is, and I had 
 half a mind to turn around when we passed 
 the last pier; but the ocean looked so beautiful 
 and pink in the sunset and going the other way 
 it would of been in my eyes, so I just let my- 
 self be rolled on and on until we was almost 
 to the Inlet and not a soul in sight. Then the 
 chair stopped and w r as turned against the rail. 
 
 "Now I've got you at last!" said a unex- 
 pected voice, and around from the back came, 
 not the coon, but Captain Raymond. 
 
 "Where did you come from?" I asked, 
 hardly able to speak. 
 
 "I have had the honor of pushing you into 
 this secluded corner of of the ocean!" he said, 
 his blue eyes twinkling. 
 
 "But how how . . ."I sputtered. 
 
 "I bought off the colored man while you 
 [197]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 were sleeping," he said. "And have been your 
 humble servant for almost an hour!" 
 
 Can you beat it? You cant! 
 
 "Well of all the nerve," I began, remember- 
 ing how people had smiled, and no wonder! 
 
 "What are you going to do about it?" he 
 asked. 
 
 "Walk home this minute !" I says, struggling 
 with the rugs. But they had a will of their 
 own and it was on his side and I just couldnt 
 seem to get free of them. 
 
 "Oh I say, don't be so absurd!" he says smil- 
 ingly. 
 
 "I'm not!" I says. 
 
 "Oh but you are !" he insisted. "Just sit still 
 and let me show you something!" 
 
 Well, there was nothing for me but to give 
 in or look a utter fool, and he was so attrac- 
 tive! And, well anyways, I waited and he 
 brought out a letter from his overcoat pocket 
 and it was the very one he had wrote me first 
 and I had returned it to the hotel clerk. 
 
 "Please just open it!" he begged, and I did 
 and nearly fainted because inside was a letter 
 in Jim's handwriting addressed to me and in- 
 troducing Captain Charles Raymond who was 
 
 tr7> * 
 
 with him in France, only being gassed was now 
 [198]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 home on leave and would I show him every 
 courtesy as he had been good to my ever lov- 
 ing husband, Jim! 
 
 "And realty and truly I wouldn't have been 
 so persistarit, Miss LaTour," Captain Ray- 
 mond was saying as I looked up. "I had in- 
 tended using it when I got to New York of 
 course. But Avhen they put me in charge of 
 this entertainment for the benefit of the blind, 
 and I discovered you were here, I was simply 
 determined to get you to take part in it. 
 Couldn't; you do us just one little dance? It 
 would be such a drawing-card, your name 
 would. That was all I wanted, really!" 
 
 Believe von me I didn't know what to think 
 or how I felt. Did I feel flat? I did! Did 
 I feel relieved? I did!! So it wasnt a mash 
 at all, and for a moment I felt a lonelier war- 
 widow than ever. Then I remembered how 
 Jim said in the note to be nice to this bird, and 
 I could see, now that I looked at him good, 
 that he was the sort which it is perfectly safe 
 to be nice to. Not that he didnt admire me, 
 either, but that he was just as refined as me 
 and more so and was Jim's pal beside. So I 
 says yes, of course I would dance, and we 
 talked and talked and the sun went down, and 
 [199]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 got to be real friends and was it good to hear 
 about Jim, first hand ? IT WAS ! And after 
 a while we commenced to w r alk back toward the 
 hotel, pushing the chair, and the lights was all 
 lit along the walk like Fairyland, and also in 
 the shops so they was more like show-cases 
 than ever. And then I got the second shock 
 of the afternoon because at ten past six with 
 dinner at seven, there was Ma in the Ocean 
 Lunch eating griddle-cakes, fish-balls, Sals- 
 bury steake and coffee, with a little strained 
 honey and apple-pie on the side! IS T O wonder 
 she could diet so good! And I take it to my 
 credit that, since she did not notice me, I never 
 let on that I seen her, not then nor afterward 
 at dinner when she refused everything but two 
 dill pickles! 
 
 But it wasn't until afterward when I was 
 in the star dressing-room at the Apollo Thea- 
 tre, putting on my make-up for the benefit that 
 the real blow came. I was just about ready to 
 go on when in rushed Goldringer, all breath- 
 less with a cablegram in his hand. 
 
 "Its all right about Olivette Twist!" he 
 puffed at me. "We'll begin making that 
 fillum Tuesday!" and he threw Hie message 
 [200]
 
 ANYTHING ONCE 
 
 down on my dressing table. It was signed by 
 our London manager and it read: 
 
 "Present location of Charles Dickens uncer- 
 tain but material is uncopyrighted, shoot." 
 
 And so immediately after the show, myself 
 and Ma went back to New York to get a twen- 
 ty-four hour rest before commencing work 
 again.
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 BELIEVE you me, the world to-day is just 
 about as settled as a green passenger on a trip 
 to Bermuda. There is that same awful feel- 
 ing of not knowing is something going to hap- 
 pen or not do you get me? You do! And it 
 can't help but strike even a mere womanly 
 woman and lady like I, that unless the captain 
 and officers keep a firm hand on the crew until 
 we get a little ballast in the hold, we are likely 
 to get in Dutch. Not meaning the Germans 
 necessarily, but the Russians, or something 
 just as bad. And perhaps it may seem strange 
 for me to know about them nautcbical terms, 
 but anybody which has once been to Bermuda 
 learns what ballast is on account of their not 
 having hardly any on them boats because of the 
 water not being deep enough, and believe you 
 me, nothing I had to do in the filluni we made 
 [202]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 after what was left of us arrived there, and it 
 was some filluni at that $1000. for bathing 
 costumes alone and me as "The Sea King's 
 Conquest" in silver scales, although hardly 
 knowing how to swim was a patch on the 
 treatment which that unballasted boat handed 
 me on the trip down. 
 
 Well anyways, even when sitting in the se- 
 curity of ir>y Hat on the Drive, which Gawd 
 knows it aught to be secure what with the sal- 
 ary I get and moving-pictures will be the last 
 tiling the common people will give up; even 
 with this security and the handsomest furniture 
 any installment house could provide, and every 
 other equipment which is necessary to one so 
 prominent in my line as myself, still even in 
 the scarcity of the home, as the poet says, I 
 am conscious that the world is, or could quite 
 easily be, on the blink. 
 
 And ain't it the truth? Even the simplest 
 soul, buried in the wilds of Broadway and 
 wholly absorbed in their own small life must 
 feel the unrest. Xo use kidding ourselves 
 about it. It's time for all good Americans to 
 quit fighting among theirselves and come to 
 the aid of the country. Regardless of race, 
 creed or color, as the free hospital says, and 
 [203]
 
 BELIEAT, YOU ME! 
 
 Gawd knows the hospital will be where they'll 
 land if they don't. Do you get me? Prob- 
 ably not. What I mean is, it's time we quit 
 talking and did something. What? I dunno, 
 quite, but it was this general line of thought, 
 which come to me while listening to the direc- 
 tor give me my instructions for the ball-room 
 scene in "The Dove of Peace," where I catch 
 the Russian Ambassador giving the nitro- 
 glycerine or some other patent face-cleanser to 
 the fake Senator, caused me to reform the 
 White Kittens. That and Ma's peculiar be- 
 havior, plus the new cook. 
 
 You see it come over me all of a sudden that 
 we ladies have now a vote and so forth, which 
 unquestionably makes us r. ore or less citizens 
 the same as the men, and if the country went 
 bluey, why wouldn't it be our -\iiiit as well? 
 And I come to this partially through the sense 
 of unrest and having eat something that didn't 
 settle good and Ma's behavior. All coming 
 at once they kind of got together r.iui exploded 
 into my idea, 
 
 Well anyways, I had just come to a place in 
 
 my personal life where I seen a little peace and 
 
 quiet ahead and nothing to do but jco up in an 
 
 aeroplane for the second reel of "The Dove." 
 
 [204]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 The war was over without Jim being killed in 
 it and a new chance offered by a big picture 
 contract the minute his uniform should be off 
 him; I was going strong with nothing but 
 Broadway releases and a salary which made 
 Morgan jealous; my spring clothes hadn't a 
 failure among them and only one of my hats 
 was too tight in the head. The fool dogs was 
 both healthy, the cook had stayed a month; 
 the car had been in order for over three weeks, 
 and I had successfully nursed Ma through the 
 flu. And I thought fat could not harm me, 
 as the poet says, for I had dieted to-day. When 
 all of a sudden Ma, who had hardly got over 
 the Influenza, come down with Bolshevism. 
 
 Now the trouble with these new diseases is 
 that the doctors don't seem to know anything 
 about them nor whalj makes them catching. 
 At least that is the like of talk they pull, but 
 I got a hunch myself, that if the flu had been 
 quarantined right in the first place it could of 
 been stopped. Do you get me? You do! And 
 I will say one more word in favor of Influenza. 
 You was obliged to report it, if only to the 
 Board of Health. But Bolshevism seems to 
 be like a cold in the head. If you catch it, 
 that evidently is nobody's business but your 
 [205]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 own; if you spread it the same. Then again 
 folks are kind of proud of having had the flu. 
 It makes conversation and everything, and one 
 which has escaped feels a little mortified like 
 admitting they had never seen Charlie Chap- 
 lin. Indeed, people certainly do get a lot of 
 pleasure out of illness and etc. And so long 
 as it is under control, all right, leave them en- 
 joy theirselves. They had to suffer first and 
 mahe a little talk is coming to them. 
 
 But with this Bolshevism it's the other way 
 around. The talk comes first, but believe you 
 me, the suffering will come afterwards. And 
 if they could only be made to realise this ere too 
 late, a whole lot of patients would be cured 
 before they got it. A ounce of Americanism 
 is worth a pound of red propaganda, as the 
 poet says, or would of had he written to-day. 
 
 Things started with Ma as per usual upset- 
 ting the cook which has come to be a habit with 
 her, for cooking is to Ma what his art is to 
 Caruso naught but death could tear her from 
 it permanent. And while I give her credit for 
 trying in every way to be an idle rich, the 
 kitchen might as well be furnished with mag- 
 nets and she a nail for all she can keep out of 
 it with the natural result that keeping out of 
 [200]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 it is the best thing the cooks we hire do. Arid 
 I can't say with any truth that I have made as 
 much effort to break her of that as of some 
 other lack of refinements, such as remembering 
 that toothpicks ain't a public utility and never 
 io say "excuse my back," or keep her knife and 
 fork for the next course at the Hit/. Because 
 believe you me, Ma is some cook and a real 
 authograph dinner by her is something to bring 
 tears of sweet memory to the eyes of t:ie older 
 generation and leave us young things in sym- 
 pathetic wonder about them dear dead days 
 when first class home-cooking was a custom, 
 not a curiosity. And so while the material side 
 of life don't interest me much, what wilh my 
 work and etc. to take my mind o -T it, still even 
 a artist must eat or Gawd knows where the 
 strength to act in the "Dove of Peace" or any 
 other six-reeler would come from if I didn't, 
 and Ma's is that simple nourishing kind, but 
 with quality, the same as the sort of dresses 1 
 wear made out of two dollars worth of ma- 
 terial and a thousand dollar idea. 
 
 Well anyways, our latest cock which had a 
 
 husband in the service and had took up her 
 
 work again so's to release him for the front at 
 
 Camp Mills, for he got no further, heard he 
 
 [207]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 was coming back home, having got his dis- 
 charge and it upset her so but whether from 
 joy or rage, I don't know which, that there 
 was nothing to eat in the kitchen but a little 
 liquor she had left at seven-thirty, when we 
 went in to see what was the cause of delay, and 
 me with Maison llosabelle and a friend to din- 
 ner. So Ma woke her up out of her emotions 
 which she claimed had overcome her, and give 
 her a honorable discharge of her own and then 
 turned up the ends of her sleeves, and only a 
 
 V 
 
 little hampered by the narrow skirt to the green 
 satin evening gown she had on her, give us a 
 meal as per above described. And no one 
 would of cared how long it was before the in- 
 telligence office I mean domestic, not U.S. 
 Army sent us a cook but that in trying to 
 save her dress Ma got hot grease on her right 
 hand and that changed the situation because we 
 had to call up next day and take anything they 
 had and they sent us up a German woman. 
 
 Well, believe you me, that was a shock be- 
 cause I had an idea that all the Germans in the 
 country was either interned or incognito, but 
 this one wasn't even disguised, which isn't so 
 remarkable on account of her being pretty near 
 as big as Ma and a voice on her like a fog-horn 
 [208]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 with a strong accent on the fog. I never in ir j 
 life see so many bags and bundles and ecteras 
 as that female had with her, for she was un- 
 doubtedly one, although she had a sort of 
 moustache beside the voice. But what she had 
 in voice she certainly lacked in words. When 
 Ma set out to ask her the usual questions which 
 everybody does, although their heart is trem- 
 bling with fear, she won't take the job, this 
 lady Hun didn't divulge no more information 
 about herself than we asked. She was as stingy 
 with her language as if it had been hard liquor. 
 Ma asked her to come in, and she did, and sat 
 without being asked upon one of the gold chairs 
 in the parlor which I certainly never expected 
 it would survive the test, they being made for 
 parlor rather than sitting room. 
 
 Well anyways, it's a fact she certainly was 
 a mountain and if she were a fair specimen, all 
 this about the Germans starving to death is 
 the bunk. Only her being over here may of 
 made a difference. Well, after she had set 
 down a bundle done up in black oil-cloth, a cute 
 little hand-bag about a yard long made out of 
 somebody's old stair-carpet, a shoe-box with a 
 heel of bread sticking out at one end, an um- 
 brella which looked like a sea-side one, a pot of 
 [209]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 white hyacinths in full bloom and a net-bag 
 full of little odds and ends, she still had an old 
 black pocket-book and a big bulky bundle done 
 up in a shawl lying idly in her lap. After I 
 had taken all this in, I gave her personally the 
 once-over and was surprised to see she wasn't 
 so old as her figure, or anything like it. For 
 bv the size of her she miffht of been the Pvra- 
 
 ^ * 
 
 mids, but her face was quite young and if she 
 had been a boy I would of said the moustache 
 was the first cherished dow r n. 
 
 "What's your name, dearie?" says Ma, which 
 I simply can't learn her not to be familiar 
 with servants. 
 
 Aura," says the lump. 
 And where do you come from?" says Ma, 
 poor imitation of a detective. 
 
 "CIcl Country," says Anna. Well, Ma and 
 me at once exchanged glances, putting name 
 and place together. 
 
 "German?" says Ma. "Of course!" 
 
 "Swedish," says Anna, more lumpishly than 
 ever. 
 
 And just at that moment the air was filled 
 
 with a big laugh that none of us there had give 
 
 voice to. It was some shock, that laugh, and 
 
 Ma and me looked around expecting to see 
 
 [210] 
 
 "
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 who had come into the room, but it was no- 
 body. Anna was the only one who didn't seem 
 disturbed. She just went on sitting. 
 
 "Who was that?" says Ma. 
 
 "It must of been outside," I says, for it was 
 warm and we had the windows open so's to 
 let in the gasoline and railroad smoke arid a 
 little fresh air. 
 
 "I guess so," says Ma. Then she went baek 
 to her third-degree. 
 
 "So you're Swedish!" says Ma. "Can you 
 cook?"* 
 
 "Good!" says Anna. "Svell cook!" 
 
 "Well, dearie!" says Ma, "why was it you 
 left your last place?" 
 
 "Too hot!" says Anna. And again me and 
 Ma exchanged glances. 
 
 "Are y:-u a good American?" says Ma. 
 
 "Good American-Swedish," says Anna. And 
 immediately that awful laugh was repeated. 
 This time it was in the room, no doubt about 
 it. And yet no one was there outside our- 
 selfs. 
 
 "My Gawd!" says Ma. "What was it?" 
 
 ''Somebody is hid some place!" I says. "And 
 I'd like to know who is it with the cheap sense 
 of humor?" 
 
 [211]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 "It bane Frits," says Anna. "Na, na, 
 Frits!" 
 
 "But where on earth ..." I was commenc- 
 ing, when I noticed Anna was unwinding the 
 shawl off the package in her lap. And then 
 in another moment we seen Frits for our own 
 selves, for there he was, a big moth-eaten par- 
 rot, interned in a cage, making wicked eyes 
 at us and giving us the ha-ha like the true Hun 
 he was! 
 
 "Frits and me, we stay!" announced Anna 
 comfortably. "We stay!" 
 
 "But look here," says I, "we didn't start 
 out to hire any parrots." 
 
 "Why Mary Gilligan!" says Ma, and I 
 could see she was scared that if Frits went 
 Anna would certainly go, too. "Why Mary 
 Gilligan, I thought you was fond of dumb ani- 
 mals!" she says. 
 
 "And so I am," I says. "The dumber the 
 better. But this one is evidently far from it! 
 How am I going to figure out my income tax 
 with this bird hanging around?" 
 
 "Hang in den Kitchen!" says Anna firmly, 
 
 and at that we gave in, because cooks is cooks, 
 
 and what's a bird more or less after all? Still 
 
 I didn't like him on account of suspecting he 
 
 [212]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 wasn't a neutral any more than Anna was for 
 all she claimed to be a Swede. I had read a 
 piece in the paper about where the Germans 
 was pretending to be Swede or Spanish or any- 
 thing they could get away with so's to remain 
 free to spread Bolshevism and influenza and 
 bombs and send up the price of dry and fancy 
 goods and put through the Prohibition amend- 
 ment and all them other gentle little activities 
 for which they are so well and justly known. 
 But I thought knowledge is power as the 
 guy which wrote the copy-book says, and I had 
 the drop on Anna through being on to her dis- 
 guise and beside which I could see Ma was go- 
 ing to be miserable if she had to eat out while 
 her hand was in the sling, and so we took the 
 viper to our bosom, or in other words, we hired 
 her, and anyways, she had already accepted 
 the job and it would of been a lot of trouble 
 to get her out by force. Which, believe you 
 me, a person seldom has to do with servants 
 now-a-days, and confirmed me about her be- 
 ing German because naturally people don't 
 hire them, if acknowledging to themselves that 
 they are Germans any more than they would 
 now deliberately import sauerkraut or any 
 [213]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 other German industry. Do you get me? 
 You'd better! 
 
 But in this case there was a reasonable doubt 
 together with a real necessity, although from 
 what come of it, I feel, looking backwards, it 
 would of been better to eat out and suffer than 
 to of compromised with our patriotic con- 
 sciences like we done at that time. Because 
 there is no reasonable doubt but that Anna's 
 coming into the house was greatly responsible 
 for Ma's catching Bolshevism. 
 
 II 
 
 Not that she caught it off Anna directly, 
 because for once we had a cook which couldn't 
 talk or understand American and so there was 
 no use in Ma's hanging around t;;e kitchen 
 worrying the life out of her. And so the very 
 first morning Anna was on the premises, Ma 
 commenced hanging around and worrying the 
 life out of me. 
 
 It happened we was waiting for the aero- 
 plane I was to go up in to arrive at the studio, 
 and so for once having my morning for my- 
 self, I thought I would just dc';h off my in- 
 come tax return, and be done with it. 
 [214]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 But it seems that this is one of the things 
 which is easier said than done, the same as 
 signing the peace-treaty, and believe you me, 
 the last ain't got a, thing on the former and I 
 don't know did Pres. Wilson make out his own 
 income tax return or not. But if he did and 
 the collector of Internal Revenue left him get 
 by with it as he must of or why would the Pres. 
 be in Paris, which is out of the country, well 
 anyways, if the Pres. did it alone, believe you 
 me, he will get away with the treaty all right, 
 and probably even write in this here Leg of 
 Nations under table 13, page 1, of return and 
 instructions page 2 under K (b) without hav- 
 ing to a c :k anybody how to do it, he having un- 
 doubtedly shown the power to think. 
 
 Well anyways, I had taken all the poker- 
 chips, silk-sale samples, old theatre programs 
 and etc., out of my desk, found my fountain 
 pen and a bottle of ink, and was turning that 
 cute little literacy test around and over to see 
 where would I commence and had got no fur- 
 ther than the realization that most of my brains 
 is in my feet instead of behind my face, when 
 Ma comes in and commences worrying me be- 
 cause she could not cook nor yet crochet like 
 the lillies of the field, or whatever that well- 
 [215]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 known idle flower was. I tried to listen at least 
 as politely as is ever required of a daughter to 
 her mother, but when I was trying to figure 
 out my answer to question No. 5 and getting 
 real mad over its personalness, I couldn't stand 
 to hear her complain over not being able to 
 crochet them terrible mats she makes which 
 are not fit for anything except Xmas presents, 
 anyways. 
 
 "The trouble with you, Ma," I snapped at 
 last, "is that you aught to get a live-wire out- 
 side interest. You're getting out of date. 
 Ladies don't crochet no more and even knitting 
 has been dished by the armistice. You never 
 read a newspaper or a book. You should go 
 in for something snappy and up to the mo- 
 ment like literature or jobs for soldiers, or 
 business, or something." 
 
 This got Ma's goat right off, like I hoped it 
 would. 
 
 "Oh, so I'm on the shelf, am I?" she says, 
 "well, leave me tell you Mary Gilligan, if it 
 wasn't for us back numbers you new numbers 
 wouldn't even be here, don't forget that! And 
 after having been the first American lady to 
 do the double backward leap on the two center 
 trapeses, I can hardly be called a dead one. 
 [216]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 even if a little heavier than I was. And 
 from that time on I have never ceased to be 
 forward." 
 
 "You'd have to show me," I says, grimly. 
 
 "All right, I will," she says. 
 
 And believe you me, she did. She went and 
 got on her dolman and her spring hat and left 
 me in wrath and the midst of that income tax 
 with that "I'll never come back" air so familiar 
 to all well-regulated families. 
 
 Well, as I sat there struggling over where 
 to put the X and marks, and how much ex- 
 emption could I get away with and still be on 
 speaking terms with myself, and wondering 
 whether the two fool dogs was dependents or 
 not which they aught to be, seeing how help- 
 less they are and a big expense and Gawd 
 knows I keep them only for appearences and 
 they aught to come under the head of profes- 
 sional expenditures, because no well-known 
 actress but has them to help out the scenery 
 well anyways, I was deep in this highly high- 
 brow occupation in the comparatively perfect 
 silence of my exclusive flat where ordinarily 
 we don't hear a thing but the neighbors' pianola 
 and the dumb-waiter and the auto horns on the 
 drive and the train just beyond well, this 
 [217]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 comparatively for New York, perfect silence 
 was broke by an awful yell in the apartment 
 itself. 
 
 "Anarchy!" a terrible voice hollered. And 
 then again "Anarchy! Anarchy!" 
 
 Believe you me, my blood turned to lemon 
 soda for a moment and the boys in the trenches 
 never had worse crawling down the back than 
 me at that minute, coming as it did right on 
 top of me, writing in opposite to B. income 
 from salaries you know $0000.00. The si- 
 lence which followed was even worse. And I 
 sat there sort of frozen while expecting a bomb 
 would go off any minute, and Gawd knows 
 sixty thousand is a lot of money, but any one 
 which investigated the true facts could quickly 
 see that I earn every cent of it and anyways 
 brains has a right to the bigger share, not to 
 mention abi!ily, and if the way I worked my- 
 self up frcm the lower classes ain't proof of 
 what can be done single-handed in America, I 
 don't know what is, and anybody which works 
 as hard and lives as decent as I done can do the 
 same, not that I want to hand myself any tiling- 
 extra, only speaking personally, I am in a po- 
 sition to know. 
 
 But ju, ( ;t the same I wasn't reasoning at the 
 [218]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 minute and the justice, as you might say, of my 
 case didn't occur to me until later. As I sat 
 there trying to remember to think, the voice 
 yells it again, only this time with additions. 
 
 "Anarchy! Love Anarchy! Pretzel!" 
 
 And then I realised it was that parrot be- 
 longing to the new cook. 
 
 Can you imagine my feelings on top of my 
 suspicions of her? You can! I got up and 
 went into the kitchen to see if a bomb was ma- 
 be being prepared for our dinner, but not at 
 all. The kitchen was scrubbed to the last tile, 
 something that smelled simply grand was bak- 
 ing, the white hyacinths was in the sun on the 
 window-sill, and Anna was humming under her 
 breath while she rolled out biscuit-dough. The 
 radical parrot was shut up, but only as to 
 mouth, lie being loose and walking about the 
 top of the clothes-wringer, making himself very 
 much at home, and giving me some evil look as 
 I come in. 
 
 "Aren't you afraid he'll get away?" I says. 
 
 "Huh?" says Anna, stopping rolling, and 
 blinking at me. 
 
 "Lose him parrot !" I says, pointing to 
 him and flapping my arms like wings. 
 
 "Frits?" she said.' "Xa Frits like liberty!" 
 [219]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 And that was all I could get out of her. I 
 stuck around for a few minutes more, until 
 Anna commenced to give me the cook's-eye, 
 that bird backing her up and sneering at me 
 while dancing slowly on the wringer, but not 
 moving a step. So I got out and back to the 
 parlor but not to my work which Gawd knows 
 I had to take it over to the bank and leave them 
 do it for me after all but sat down instead to 
 consider them two suspicious birds in the back 
 part of the flat. I personally myself was con- 
 vinced that there was something very wrong 
 about Anna. But so far she had said nothing 
 under the espionage law exactly and I didn't 
 know could you arrest a bird for too much lib- 
 erty of speech even though it loved anarchy, 
 and liberty and everything and was undoubt- 
 edly capable of spreading propaganda what 
 with the voice it had. 
 
 Well anyways, as I was holding my mar- 
 celle wave with both hands and racking what 
 little was underneath it over the situation, I 
 heard the key in the lock and in come Ma all 
 flushed and cheerful and pleased with herself 
 and handed me another jolt. 
 
 "I had a real sweet, pleasant morning," she 
 says, taking off her gloves and hat and wip- 
 [220]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 ing her face with one of them big handker- 
 chiefs like she used to carry in the circus and 
 will not give up. "A real nice time," she says, 
 egging me on to question her. 
 
 "Where have you been?" I says, like she 
 wanted me to. 
 
 "Oh, just to a little Bolsheviki meeting," 
 she says, casual. And picking up her things 
 she started for her room. 
 
 "Hold on, Ma!" I says, having managed to 
 get my breath before she reached the door. 
 "Say that again, will you?" 
 
 She turned and come back at that, still keep- 
 ing up the careless stuff. 
 
 "Certainly," she says, "Bolsheviki meeting. 
 Are you interested in this up-to-date stuff?" 
 
 "Interested!" I says. "Of course I am. I'm 
 against it. Why Ma Gilligan!" I says. "Do 
 you know what Bolshevism is?" 
 
 "Do you?" says Ma, sweetly. 
 
 "]\ T o!" says I. "And neither do they. But 
 I am sure it's the bunk, and I feel it's wrong, 
 and I am ashamed of you going!" 
 
 "How old-fashioned of you, dearie," says 
 Ma. "Have you ever heard a speaker or been 
 to a meeting?" 
 
 [221]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 "I don't need to!" I says short, being kind 
 of at a loss. 
 
 "Well, I have !" says Ma, triumphant. 
 
 "Where was it at ?" I demanded. 
 
 "Down to the circus," says Ma. "In the 
 Bear-wrestler's dressing room. I went to call 
 on some of the folks and get the news and Ma- 
 dame Jones, tlie new automohile act -very dis- 
 tinguished lady got me to it. A most exclu- 
 sive affair, with only the highest priced acts 
 invited!" 
 
 "And who spoke?" I says. 
 
 "Kiskoff, the bear-wrestler," says Ma. "It 
 certainly was interesting." 
 
 "What did he say?" I says, it getting harder 
 and harder to remember I was a lady and she 
 ii'.y only mother. "What did he sav?" 
 
 / * 
 
 T 1 I? J AT 
 
 I ciunno! says Ma. 
 
 "You don't know!" I fairly yells. "And 
 why don't you know?" 
 
 "Because he only talks Russian!" says Ma, 
 and walked out, leaving me flat. 
 
 Well, believe you me, I was that upset I 
 
 scarcely took any notice of my lunch, although 
 
 it was a real nice meal, commencing with some 
 
 juicy kind of fish and eggs and ending up with 
 
 [222]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 pancakes rolled up and filled with cream curds 
 and powdered sugar. 
 
 Ma took to these eats immensely, and she 
 and Anna exchanged a couple of smiles, which 
 made me feel like the only living American. 
 And when later in the day Ma told me she 
 thought she'd join the Bolshevists if she didn't 
 have to be immersed, and that this Kiskoff's 
 life was in danger for his beliefs just like the 
 early Romans and nobody knew where he lived, 
 but was a man of mystery, I couldn't stand it 
 another moment, but beat it for a long walk 
 by myself because my nerves was sure on edge 
 and that aeroplane stunt facing me next week. 
 
 But the walk wasn't altogether pleasant, 
 at least not at the start or at the finish, be- 
 cause when I come out of our palatial near- 
 marble front stoop, there was a guy standing 
 which might just as well of had on the brass- 
 buttons and all because you could tell at once 
 by the disguise that he was a plain-clothes cop. 
 JXTot that I am so familiar with them, but their 
 clothes is generally so plain any one could tell 
 them. Do you get me? You do! 
 
 Well anyways, this bird w r as standing oppo- 
 site our door, and at the second glance I had 
 him spotted or nearly so, and when I come 
 [223]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 back from walking fast and wishing to Gawd 
 Jim was back to advise me and occupying our 
 flat instead of Germany, the fly-cop was still 
 there by which I became certain he was one; 
 the more so as I watched him from a window 
 once I was in, and the way he kept camouflag- 
 ing himself as a casual passer-by, ended my 
 doubts. 
 
 Well, was that some situation? It was! 
 Here was myself, a good American though but 
 an ignorant woman, surrounded by all the ter- 
 rible and disturbing elements of the day; w y ith 
 everything which aught to be kept out of every 
 U. S. A. home creeping into mine, and all so 
 sudden that I hadn't got my breath yet much 
 less any action. In fact, I was sort of dizzy 
 with what was happening, and my head didn't 
 quiet down any when, after dinner that night, 
 I heard deep voices out in back. 
 
 "Anna has company!" says Ma in explana- 
 tion. "Two of them, and I think they are 
 talking Russian. At any rate one has a beard 
 almost as handsome as Mr. Kiskoff's." 
 
 This got my angora, and while no lady would 
 ever spy on her cook, this was surely a excep- 
 tion and so I took a quiet peek in through the 
 pantry slide and there was Anna and two big 
 [224]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 iie-men all talking at once. The window was 
 open a little ways from the top and on it was 
 Frits, also talking in Russian or something, 
 and no earthly reason why he couldn't take his 
 liberty and go right out if he had really wanted 
 it. And still another jolt was handed me when 
 I realised one of the men was our very own 
 ice-man ! 
 
 Believe you me, when I went to bed that 
 night in my grey French enameled Empire 
 style I was wore out with the series of jolts 
 which the day has handed me. But it is not 
 my custom to sit back and talk things over too 
 long. I have ever noticed that the person which 
 talks too much seldom does a whole lot, and 
 that a quick decision if wrong, at least learns 
 you something, and you can start aprain on the 
 right track. And no later than the next day 
 after a funny, though good breakfast, of cof- 
 fee and new bread with cinnamon and sugar 
 baked into it and herrings in cream, I com- 
 menced to act. 
 
 "Ma, are you going to keep up this Bolshe- 
 vist bull?" I says. 
 
 "I am!" she says. "You told me to do some- 
 thing modern and I'm doing the very modern - 
 est thing there is !" 
 
 [225]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 "You are going to be wrong on that by this 
 P. M.," I says, "or to-morrow at latest," I 
 says, "because there is or aught to be some- 
 thing moderner, and that is United American- 
 ism !" I says. "And since the only way to fight 
 fire is with it, I am going to start a rival or- 
 ganization and start it quick!" I says, "and 
 I'm going to do it on a sounder basis than your 
 people ever dreamed of because w T e'll all talk 
 English so's we'll each of us know what the or- 
 ganization is about !" 
 
 "Why Marie La Tour!" says Ma, which it's 
 a fact she only calls me that when she's sore at 
 me. "Why. Marie La Tour, what is your or- 
 ganization going to do?" 
 
 "I don't know yet beyond one thing," I says, 
 "we are going to get togctlier and keep to- 
 gether!" 
 
 And so, without waiting for a come-back or 
 any embarrassing questions, I hustled into a 
 simple little grey satin Trotteur costume which 
 is French for pony-clothes and left that home- 
 full of heavy-weight traitors where a radical 
 parrot yelled "Anarchy" from morning till 
 night, and even the steam radiators had com- 
 menced to smell like dynimite. And having 
 shut the door after me with quite some explo- 
 [226]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 sion myself, I had the limousine headed to the 
 White Kittens Annual Ball Assn., which I was 
 due at it on account of all the most prominent 
 ladies in picture and theatrical circles being on 
 the committee and I naturally being indes- 
 pensible if only for the value of my name. So 
 I started off but not before I noticed that the 
 same plain-clothes John was again perched op- 
 posite my front door. 
 
 in 
 
 All the way to the Palatial Hotel which the 
 meeting is always held in the grand ball room 
 of, I kept getting more and more worked up. 
 Things had certainly gone too far when Bol- 
 shevism had spread from the parlor to the 
 kitchen or visa-versa, I didn't know which, and 
 my own Ma being undoubtedly watched by 
 the more or less Secret Service, all because of 
 her having taken a fancy to them whiskers of 
 this Kiskoff cockoo, which is the only explana- 
 tion I could make of it, and after being a widow 
 twenty years she aught to of been ashamed of 
 herself. Still, it was a better explanation for 
 her to of lost her head than her patriotism, 
 and I tried to think this the case. And my own 
 [227]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 position was something to bring tears to a 
 glass eye, what with my well-known war-work 
 and a perfectly good husband still in the 
 service. And I had made a threat to take ac- 
 tion, and had no idea what it would be, only 
 that now I certainly had to deliver the goods. 
 
 Weil anyways, in despair and the limousine, 
 I finally arrived at the Palatial and there in 
 the lobby was several other White Kittens 
 which were also late, so we give each other's 
 clothes the once-over and asked after our 
 healths and etc., and then hurried up in the 
 elevator to where the meeting had already com- 
 menced. 
 
 Believe you me, my mind stuck to that meet- 
 ing about as good as a W.S.S. which has been 
 in your purse a month does when 3-011 find your 
 card. The room was as full as could be with 
 the biggest crowd I ever knew to turn out for 
 it. But somehow while I am generally pretty 
 well interested in any crowd, this time nothing 
 seemed to register except my own thoughts. 
 Even the chairlady couldn't hold my attention 
 partially because she was Ruby Iloselle, and 
 what they wanted to elect that woman for I 
 don't know because her head is certainly not 
 the part of her which earned her theatrical 
 [228]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 reputation and a handsome back is no disgrace 
 and if that and a handful of costume is art far 
 be it from me to say anything: but it is neither 
 refinement nor does it make a good executor 
 for a live organization like the Kittens. And 
 what is more, any woman which had her nose 
 changed from Jewish to Greek right in the 
 middle of a big feature fillum can't run any 
 society to suit me, not to mention the fact that 
 as I sat there watching her talk I come slowly 
 
 > 
 
 to realize that she had several jewels and a cou- 
 ple of friends which was found to be pro-Ger- 
 mans and been interned, although nothing was 
 ever proved onto Ruby herself. 
 
 Still, coming on top of what I had been go- 
 ing through the last couple of days, I took a 
 sudden suspicion of her being lady-chairman 
 to one of America's oldest organizations of the 
 female gender, it having been formed 'way 
 back in 1911. And what is furthermore, as I 
 sat there hating her with her synthetic Chris- 
 tian nose and her genuine Jewish diamonds, 
 the big idea come at last a way to at once get 
 something started before she did, because how 
 did I know but she'd have the orchestra play 
 "die Watch on Ilinewine," and feed us on 
 weenies and pumpernickle for supper at the 
 [229]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 ball if something radical wasn't done at once? 
 That is, I mean radical in the right sense, of 
 course. So when she says "Any other re- 
 marks?" I jumped to my feet quick before she 
 could say "the meeting is in joined." 
 
 "Yes, Miss Ruby Schwartz Roselle, there 
 is," I said. "I will be obliged to have the floor 
 a minute." 
 
 "You can have it for all of me, dearie," says 
 Ruby, sweetly, as she recognized her enemy. 
 "Miss Marie La Tour has the floor." 
 
 And then without hardly knowing what I 
 was doing and forgetting even to feel did my 
 nose need powder before I commenced, I be- 
 gan talking w r ith something fluttering inside 
 me like a bird's wing. You know a feeling 
 like a try-out before a big-time manager. But 
 behind the scare, the strength of knowing you 
 can deliver the goods. 
 
 "Ladies and fellow or, I should say, sister- 
 Kittens!" I commenced. "There was a time 
 when the well-known words 'Xow is the time 
 for all good men to come to the aid of the 
 party' so thrilled America that it has become 
 not alone printed in all copy books, but is the 
 first sentence which is learned by every type- 
 writer. But since then times have changed 
 [230]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 until, believe you me, now is the time for all 
 good parties to come to the aid of the nation 
 in order to show all which are not Americans 
 first just where they get off, and ladies, we 
 here assembled are a party not to be scorned, 
 what with a sustaining membership of over five 
 hundred, and more than a thousand one-dollar 
 members. And what is more, though ad- 
 mittedly mere females we have a vote in most 
 places now, including this state, and while I 
 have no doubt you have always intended to be 
 good citizens, having the vote you are now 
 obliged to be so." 
 
 There was quite a little clapping at this, so 
 I was encouraged to go on, although Ruby's 
 voice says "Out of Order!" twice. Well, I 
 couldn't see anybody that was behaving dis- 
 orderly, so I just went ahead with my idea. 
 
 "And so my idea is this," I says. "That all 
 Americans, w r hether lady or gentleman citizens, 
 should get together in one big association for 
 II. S. A. Actually get together instead of 
 leaving things be. An association is, as I 
 understand it, intended for purposes of asso- 
 ciation. And why not simply associate each 
 association with every other, canning all small 
 private schemes and party interests on the one 
 [231]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 grand common interest of Bolsheviking the 
 Bolsheviks? I'm sure that if all parties con- 
 cerned will forget they are Democrats or Re- 
 publicans or Methodists or Suffragists even 
 whether they are ladies or gentlemen, and re- 
 member they are Americans, nothing can ever 
 rough-house this country like Europe has been 
 in several places, for in Union is Strength, in 
 God we Trust, but He helps those who helps 
 themselves, and if we'll only drop our self- 
 interests and make the union our first idea, God 
 help the foreigners which tries to help them- 
 selves to our dear country!' 
 
 By this time the girls was giving rje a hand 
 the like of which I never had before on stage 
 or screen, because their hearts were in them. 
 Do you get me? You do! And it was quite 
 a spell before Ruby could get order, although 
 she kept pounding with the silver cat's-paw of 
 her office. Finally, when she could make her- 
 self heard, she says very sarcastic, 
 
 "And how does Miss La Tour suggest we 
 commence?" she says. 
 
 "By unanimously voting ourselfs 'The 
 White Kittens Patriotic Association of Amer- 
 ica,' " I says at once. "Call a extra, meeting 
 to change the constitution temporarily from 
 [232]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 annual Balls and festivals for the benefit of 
 indignant members, to a association for as- 
 sociating with other associations as before sug- 
 gested. Use part of the money from the ball 
 just arranged for, to advertise our idea in 
 newspapers and billboards, and believe you me, 
 by the time we ladies get that far, some gentle- 
 man's association will be on the job to show 
 us a practical way to use ourselves!" 
 
 Well, the Kittens seemed to think this all 
 right, too, and in spite of Ruby, the next meet- 
 ing was called and w T e broke up in high excite- 
 ment, and I was surrounded by admiring 
 friends ail anxious to tell me they felt the same 
 as me, ar'd so forth and etc. And finally, after 
 1 had be- -o treated to lunch by several of them, 
 not including lluby, I collapsed into my lim- 
 ousine, and said home James, and set my face 
 flat-ward v/ith a brave heart which knew no 
 fear on account of having accomplished some- 
 thing worth while. Even the sight of f:i-e ob- 
 trusively unobtrusive bull still waiting like the 
 wolf at the door, didn't dampen my spirit. 
 
 Arid it was not until I got upstairs that I 
 
 commenced realizing that my own home would 
 
 be the first place to set in order, and how could 
 
 I be a great American female leader with a 
 
 [233]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 Bolshevist mother and a German cook, and 
 how could I preach a thing with one hand and 
 not practice it with the other? Of course, I 
 could fire the cook, but how about Ma? It 
 was she herself settled that part of it the mo- 
 ment I stepped into the parlor, for there she 
 was all alone except for the two dogs, and 
 what was more, all of a heap, beside. 
 
 "Well, thank goodness, you decided to come 
 home, Mary Gilligari!" she says. "Something 
 awful has happened!" 
 
 "Not Jim?" I gasps, my heart nearly stop- 
 ping, for he is always the first thing I think 
 of. 
 
 "Jim, nothing!" says Ma. "It's poor Kis- 
 koff!" 
 
 "Oh, him!" I says, relieved. "What of it?" 
 
 "They arrested him this morning!" says Ma, 
 all broken up, the poor fish! "Arrested him 
 just before the meeting!" 
 
 "Good!" I says. "I knew they would. The 
 hound, he couldn't go around forever talking 
 Bolshevism!" 
 
 "It wasn't for that," says Ma. 
 
 "Then for what?" I says, blankly. 
 
 "For back alimony!" says Ma, almost in 
 tears. "It seems he married a girl out in Kan-
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 sas several years ago, and they parted when 
 the circus left, and it wasn't Russian he was 
 talking, but Yiddish! He speaks English as 
 well as me." 
 
 "And I suppose you'll tell me next that he 
 wasn't talking Bolshevism," says I. 
 
 "He wasn't he was only asking them to 
 join the circus-workers' union Local 21 ' 
 says Ma. "He explained it all to the cops!" 
 
 "'Ma!" I demanded solemnly, a light coming 
 over me. "Ma, have you honestly got any idea 
 what this Bolshevism is? Come on, own up!" 
 
 "Certainly!" she says. "It's something like 
 Spiritualism or devil-worship, ain't it? A sort 
 of fancy religion!" 
 
 "Nothing so respectable!" I says very sharp, 
 yet awful relieved that I had guessed the truth. 
 "2sTo such thing. Bolshevism is Russian for 
 sore-head. Religion my eye! It's about as 
 much a religion as small-pox is !" 
 
 Oh! the handicap of having no education! 
 I certainly felt sorry for Ma. But I needn't 
 of because she give me one of them looks of 
 hers which always turns my dress to plaid cali- 
 co and pulls my hair down my back again. 
 
 "Well, daughter, why didn't you say so in 
 the first place?" she says, just as if she'd caught 
 [235]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 me in a lie. But I let it pass and apologized, 
 I was so glad to find she was a fake. And Ma 
 promised to leave them low circus people alone 
 for a spell and come back to the White Kit- 
 tens again. I then announced I was going out 
 and fire Anna. At that a look of terror came 
 over Ma's face, and she restrained me by the 
 sleeve. 
 
 "Be careful how you go near that kitchen!" 
 she says warningly. 
 
 "For heaven's sakes, Ma!" I says. "What's 
 wronger than usual out there?" 
 
 "I dunno, but I think something is!" she 
 says. "I believe it's a bomb!" 
 
 "A bomb!" I says. "Whatter you mean?" 
 
 "Anna is out to market," says Ma, "and 
 the one with the black beard like poor Kis- 
 koff's brought it. 'For Anna,' r,;iys he, and 
 shoved it at me, and snook off down the stairs 
 like a murderer." 
 
 "Brought what?" I says. 
 
 "The bomb, of course!" says l.la, impa- 
 tient herself. 
 
 "How do you know it's one?" I t;ays, a lit- 
 tle uneasy and wishing I had fired Anna be- 
 fore she got this swell chance of firing us. 
 
 "Well, it looks just like the one in the pic- 
 [230]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 ture where them three Germans blew their- 
 selves up in the newspaper!" says she. "And 
 it ticks." 
 
 "My Gawd!" I says. "Where is the thing?" 
 
 "On the kitchen-table," says Ma. 
 
 "Well," 1 says, bravely. "I think I aught 
 to take a look at it anyways." 
 
 "I wished you wouldn't," says she. But 
 she came down the hall after me like the loyal 
 mother she is, and the two of us stopped at the 
 thresh'hold as the poet says. 
 
 And there, sure enough, in the middle of 
 the spotless oilcloth on the kitchen table lay 
 a mighty funny looking package, about the 
 size of a dish-pan and done up in that black 
 oil-cloth them foreigners seem so fond of. 
 And between yells from that radical parrot, 
 who commenced his "I love Anarchy!" the 
 moment he set eyes on us, we could hear that 
 evil-looking package tick as plain as day. 
 
 Well, what with a mother and a father both 
 practically born on the centre trapese and used 
 myself to taking chances since early childhood, 
 I don't believe I'm more of a coward than most. 
 But I will admit my heart commenced going 
 too quick at that sight and the radical bird 
 was as usual loose in the place, and didn't make 
 [237]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 my nerves any easier. But a stitch in time 
 often saves a whole pair of silk ones, and re- 
 membering this, I took some quick action. I 
 turned up my georgette crepe sleeves, and the 
 front of my skirt so's not to splash it, arid made 
 straight for the sink, keeping my eye on the 
 centre-table all the while. 
 
 "Look out!" screams Ma. "What are you 
 going to do?" 
 
 "Throw cold water on it!" I says. And 
 filling the dish-pan I took a long sling with 
 it, and pretty near drowned the kitchen table, 
 to say nothing of the scare I threw into Frits. 
 As soon as he quit, we listened again, but 
 my efforts had been in vain, for the thing 
 was still ticking slow, loud ticks, and very 
 alarming. 
 
 "No good!" I says, sadly. "We'll have to 
 take severer measures!" 
 
 "Well, what'll they be?" says Ma. 
 
 "There's a plain-clothes cop outside look- 
 ing for trouble," says I grimly, "and here is 
 where I hand him a little," .s-ivs I. 
 
 And then, without waiting 2* en to roll down 
 the georgettes, I hurried to tiie window and 
 looked out. Like most cops, he couldn't be 
 seen at first when wanted, but finally he came
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 into view and I tried to catch his attention, 
 but was unable to at first. But finally he 
 heard me and looked up, and I beckoned. 
 
 "Bomb!" I says. "Hurry up!" 
 
 And did he hurry? He did! I would not 
 of believed a man his size could do it, but he 
 must of beat the elevator, for it never brought 
 me up that fast. When I let him in, his lack 
 of surprise was the most alarming thing which 
 had yet been pulled. He evidently expected 
 a bomb to be here. 
 
 "By golly, we'll get them now!" he says 
 triumphantly. "We been watching this place 
 for two months on account of having it 
 straight that there is a bunch of Bolshevist 
 bomb makers in this building or the next one, 
 and this is the first time anything has stirred! 
 Where is your bomb? Lead me to it!" 
 
 Well, I didn't lead him exactly. Since he 
 was so set up about it, I let him go ahead, but 
 Ma arid me followed close behind and told 
 him the way and everything. When he came 
 to the kitchen door Frits let out a yell "Anar- 
 chy! I love Anarchy!" and you aught to of 
 [239]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 seen the cop stagger in his tracks for a minute. 
 But he came to immediate, and we all stood 
 at attention while he give that bundle the once- 
 over. It was ticking away as strong as ever. 
 
 "Hey! get me a pail of water, quick!" says 
 the cop. I did it, and then, I will certainly 
 give him credit for it, he grabbed up the bun- 
 dle and plunged it in with both hands just as 
 Anna come in at the door. 
 
 Believe you me, I never saw anything so 
 funny as what happened then. The cop took 
 his hands out the water and stood there drip- 
 ping and staring at her. 
 
 "Hello, Anna!" he says. "What you doing 
 here?" 
 
 "Ay bane working!" says Anna. "How you 
 bane, Mike?" 
 
 "Pretty good!" he says. "But kind of busy 
 with a bomb we got here. Stand off while I 
 take a look. It has quit ticking and I guess 
 it's drownded!" 
 
 He lifted the wet bundle out, and the min- 
 ute Anna sees it she set up a yell as good as 
 one of her pet parrot's. 
 
 "That bane mine!" she says, making a grab 
 for it. But Mike held her off. 
 [240]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 "Yours, eh?" he says, severely. "Your*! 
 Well, we'll just have a look at it, my girl!" 
 
 With which he undid the string, unfolded the 
 oilcloth, and there was a hig new alarm-clock 
 with the price still on it 2 beans and a 
 round, heavy cheese! 
 
 "Bane youst a present from may feller!" 
 says Anna coyly. 
 
 Well, did we feel cheap? We did. And 
 in addition to that Mike, the smart and brave 
 young cop, was disappointed something terri- 
 ble. ' 
 
 "Who is this Anna?" I asked him soon's I 
 got my breath. 
 
 "Oh, a Swede girl I know her a long time," 
 he says foolishly. "Used to entertain me in 
 the basement when I was on the regular force. 
 She's some cook! You're lucky to have her." 
 
 And just then this ex-pro-German Bolshe- 
 vist cook we was so lucky to have starts to yell 
 again ! 
 
 "Frits! Oy! Frits!" she says. "He bane 
 gone ! Make un yoump back !" 
 
 And sure enough, there was Frits on the 
 fire-escape of the flat next to us. He had give 
 one hop and a flutter and got across, where he 
 [241]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 sat, silent for once in his life and giving us 
 the evil-eye. 
 
 "Yoump back," says the cook in passionate 
 entiety. "Yoump back to your Aniky that 
 you love! All day you yell you love may an' 
 now you leave may!" 
 
 And as she said them words still another 
 weight was lifted from my shoulders, al- 
 though not from hers, for instead of jumping 
 back, that radical bird which it seemed was 
 not a radical after all and acting like the most 
 conventional parrot in the world, commenced 
 to climb up the fire-escape of the other apart- 
 ment house, like he was leaving us forever. 
 
 "Yoump!" implored Anna, but he just 
 climbed, instead. 
 
 "Here, wait, and I'll get him!" says Mike. 
 "Glad to do it, Anna. I can step across easy 
 enough !" 
 
 Anna held his coat, and he swung hisself over 
 to the other side almost as neat as a picture- 
 actor, and commenced following that mean- 
 hearted bird up and up, story after story, un- 
 til that animal led him in at a open window 
 about three flats above. We waited in silence 
 and, believe you me, I had about commenced 
 to believe that bird and he was never coming 
 [242]
 
 NOW IS THE TIME 
 
 out again, when down comes Mike, the bird 
 tucked into his vest, his face simply purple 
 with excitement. I never seen any acrobat 
 work swifter or quieter than he did. He land- 
 ed on the kitchen floor and closed the window 
 behind him before he even give Anna her bird. 
 
 "The telephone! quick! The telephone 
 headquarters at once I've got that guy this 
 time at last! And to think that a damn bird 
 had to find him for me!" 
 
 And it was the truth. Frits, far from being 
 an alien, was a good little American parrot 
 and had actually led the cop to the very place 
 he had been looking for all that while, and 
 they arrested two guys and everything! 
 
 And after they got through the phone rang 
 and there was Goldringer's voice. 
 
 "The aeroplane has come, Miss La Tour," 
 he says. "When will you be over?" 
 
 "First thing in the morning!" I says, re- 
 lieved to think of a quiet day ahead. Ain't it 
 grand to have work you love to do? It's so 
 restful ! 
 
 [243]
 
 VI 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 I sr.E a piece in the paper where that ex- 
 leading headline!* of the old German Big-Time 
 Circuit, William Hohenzollern, him that used 
 to appear in the spiritualistic act known as 
 "Me and God," claims he had no hand in 
 starting those fireworks in Kurope which has 
 recent, y ended in a Fourth of July celebra- 
 tion. And although myself a good American 
 and looking with doubt upon any statement 
 known, to he German, I am sore of inclined 
 to believe him. At any rate, to bc T iev;. j that 
 he was not the whole cheese in the mitter, but 
 only a sort of limp limberger, or swiss, and 
 full of holes. Because it's my experience per- 
 sonally myself, that a strong personality with 
 a clean-cut idea can usually get a thing done 
 if they elect theirself boss and stick on the 
 job until it is finished, but if they call a com- 
 [24-1]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 mittee meeting and discuss the action before 
 them, the whole idea is likely to get stalled. 
 Why, look at Congress! Not that I, being 
 a mere lady of the female sect, know why or 
 how they get stalled, or on just what. But 
 it's a cinch they do and are, and you can prove 
 it by any editorial page in the country. And 
 it seems that Billy the Bone-head, confessed 
 to the reporter, which managed to get this 
 Sunday story printed, that a committee meet- 
 ing of Yonkers or something was called about 
 the war, he, Bill the B adman, not having the 
 bean to go to it alone, and it was them ruined 
 the war, or so he says. Which goes to show 
 that not alone in the theatrical and moving- 
 picture worlds do the heads of departments 
 alibi their flivvers, but also in the King-busi- 
 ness, and it's a habit which may even yet ruin 
 the former, as it pretty near has the latter, 
 unless they quit shirking and deliver better 
 goods. Because if the Head Has-Been had 
 had any real thinker and had thought up the 
 war all by his little self and forced it on his 
 book-keeper, cashier and so forth, he might of 
 got away with it like Napoleon and Rocke- 
 feller and Eva Tanguay and a lot of them 
 [245]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 which has thrust riches and success upon their- 
 selves. 
 
 But no committee can ever do that sort of 
 thing. It takes a single-handed personality, 
 and I guess mabe the biggest bluff Germany 
 has had to confess to is her ex-leader. He 
 seems the A-l example of how true it is that 
 well-known tailors' ad, "Clothes make the 
 man." Also it inspires me to invent a quota- 
 tion to hang beside the famous one of Shake- 
 speare's, I think it is "Do it now!" which you 
 see so often, mine being "Do it yourself!" 
 Well, you will if you are the able one on a 
 committee. Everybody which has served on 
 one knows that every committee is composed 
 of the one which does all the work and three to 
 six others which uses most of their vitality and 
 imagination in thinking up excuses and offer- 
 ing them. 
 
 Well, anyways, the foregoing is why I sim- 
 ply eliminated the other members of my 
 Theatrical Ladies' Committee of AVelcome to 
 Our Returning Heroes. And eliminating 
 them was so simple, too. I just didn't call any 
 committee. And why would I, what with the 
 knowledge I had gained through former ex- 
 periences? Believe you me, a lady which 
 [246]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 learns by experience is a great little time-saver, 
 although admittedly rare, but in my line you 
 don't fall out of a air-plane more than once, 
 and any successful picture actress and dancer 
 like myself will tell you the same. So as to 
 committees, none for me, thanks just the same, 
 as the man said to the soda clerk the morn- 
 ing of July first, 1919 A. D., which is Latin 
 for Anti-Drinking. Not that I will ever again 
 try to get into the strong-character class with 
 the aforementioned celebrities, for a reputa- 
 tion for doing anything well is as good as a 
 signed contract to do it. And my advice to 
 young girls is, don't let it be known you can 
 do anything well or you'll have to deliver con- 
 stantly. Look as ignorant as possible when- 
 ever anything is suggested except the thing 
 you are burning to get after, or your time will 
 be taken up with a lot of useless side-lines that 
 get you nowheres. There is a person for every 
 job if you just let the job alone until the right 
 person finds it. Did you ever notice the way 
 simps which can't do a thing always get it 
 done for them? You have! Well from this 
 on, here's where I look like a poor fish when- 
 ever anybody outside of a motion-picture mag- 
 [247]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 nate or a theatrical manager makes a noise 
 like work to be done. 
 
 All the amateur stuff can be takem eare of 
 by the sweet womanly women who ain't got 
 anybody to support except their dressmakers, 
 and not by a mere professional earning near 
 a hundred thousand a year like I. My final 
 lesson on w r orking with volunteer boards and 
 committees is a un-wept memory, and believe 
 you me, that Chateau Terry battle had noth- 
 ing on some of the War Relief Committee 
 board rooms I seen in executive session and 
 keep the home fires burning is right, we done 
 it, especially the White Kittens Belgian Re- 
 lief, which it's a fact we nearly split over 
 whether we'd print our postcard appeals on 
 pink or yellow cards ! 
 
 Well, anyways, I suppose these relief com- 
 mittees was a big help to them that was on 
 them if not to any one else, and after all a lot 
 of money somehow got left to do p'ond with 
 after expenses was paid. But the bi.r^est re- 
 lief I know of come from relieving ourselfs 
 of them relief committees, and the last of all 
 was the Welcome Home one. 
 
 I wouldn't of gone on it in the first place 
 [248]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 only I was so low in my mind. And who 
 wouldn't be a little low even with my cheery 
 disposition after such a morning as I went 
 through, first commencing with the loss of 
 Maude. 
 
 Not that I had ever liked her nor 'Frisco, 
 her husband, either, but losing her was worse 
 than living with her any day, and when Ma 
 come in end broke the news I wasn't in any 
 mood for it, struggling as I was over the joint 
 contract v. -iicli Goldringer had just sent on 
 from Los Angeles as a nice surprise and wel- 
 come lor .' iiii which we were expecting to hear 
 he would be leaving France any day now. It 
 called for seventy-five thousand per each of 
 us for six joint pictures, our expenses to the 
 coast, /.ind I was holding out for a car while 
 there and a special publicity man of our own 
 to be paid by them, but chosen by us, mean- 
 ing K<^;.\\ v/tiich has so faithfully let the pub- 
 lic know ev^ry time I sneezed these last five 
 years and hes a way of disguising a two column 
 ad so's the editor thinks it's a news item. 
 
 Well, ru y ways, I was reading through all 
 
 that foreign language portion of this contract 
 
 and had waded past about a page of "to wit. 
 
 viz.: party of the first part" stuff, which sounds 
 
 [249]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 like it didn't mean anything, but is where they 
 sometimes slip one over on you, when in come 
 Ma with a big home-made cruller partly in 
 her hand and partly in her face. She was 
 dreadfull agitated but had to get rid of the 
 first part of the second party before she could 
 speak, and I put in a few seconds of watch- 
 ful waiting, wondering how could she do it, for 
 Ma had put on at least thirty Ibs. the last few 
 months and believe you me, she was no slif 
 before then, weighing some amount she would 
 never tell just what and anybody knows what 
 that means with a woman. But up to just 
 recent she had gone through spells where she 
 was making at least the faint motions of diet- 
 ing, or when not that, sighing and saying she 
 hadn't really ought to over every second help- 
 ing but taking it. Do you get me? You do! 
 
 Since she had heard Jim was coming back, 
 however, she had taken to eating everything 
 in sight regardless. It give me real pleasure 
 to think of any mother-in-law feeling that way 
 about her daughter's husband and dancing 
 partner coming back, for with many mothers 
 it is nothing of the kind. So I made no re- 
 [250]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 marks upon the cruller, and finally Ma give 
 a gulp and gasped out the bad news. 
 
 "Maude is gone!" she says. 
 
 "Gone?" says I. "Whatter you mean, 
 gone?" 
 
 "I can't find her no place !" says Ma. "And 
 I looked every wheres !" 
 
 This give me a most unpleasant feeling down 
 my back, and I got to my feet in a hurry. 
 
 "Are you sure she ain't hid?" I says, "like 
 the last time," I says. 
 
 "Come and see for yourself!" says Ma, and 
 I went, you can bet on that ! And sure enough, 
 she wasn't in the box. Ma lifted the wire off 
 the top and lifted out the two old sofa cush- 
 ions we had put in for comfort and only 
 Maude's husband, 'Frisco, was there. He was 
 as usual lying in about five coils like a boiler- 
 heater, with his wdcked-looking flat head on 
 the top, and lie stuck out his oyster fork of 
 a tongue, and give us a little hiss, much as to 
 say, why was w r e always disturbing him. But 
 no Maude. 
 
 "Ma!" I began, catching a guilty look on 
 her face. "Ma Gilligan, you left that snake 
 out again! After all the times I ast you not 
 to!" ' 
 
 [251]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 "Well, it was just for a minute!" she says. 
 "I was playing with her, and then I thought 
 maybe the crullers I had made was cool by 
 then and I went and got a few and when I 
 come back she was gone!" 
 
 "Well, she's got to be found, that's all!" I 
 snapped. "All this comes from you insist- 
 ing on keeping in with them low circus people 
 and boarding their acts for them!" 
 
 "But Madame Estelle had to stay with her 
 husband when he fell offen the trapeze and 
 they so devoted!" says Ma. "And 1 didn't 
 take the big snakes the substitute is using 
 them but only her own dear pets which the 
 landlady wouldn't leave her have in her room." 
 
 "And now one of them is loose in -nn/ room!" 
 
 i/ 
 
 I says, "which is the general result of charity 
 which, as the poet says, had ougl-t to begin 
 at home," I says. "And you knovr, Ma, how 
 I feel about snakes. There's nobooy in the 
 psycopathic ward got anything on me. If 
 only they had even a few feet instead of so 
 many yards, I wouldn't mind them so much." 
 "Well, now Mary, I'm real sorry," says 
 Ma. "But not half so sorry as Madame Es- 
 telle will be if anything happens to Maude! 
 I'm real fond of the little beauty myself, and 
 [252]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 if you had been with a circus all the years 
 I was, you would understand her better!" 
 
 Well, believe you me, it wasn't a lack of 
 understanding with me, it was a religious con- 
 viction, and why not, for hadn't them beasts 
 made trouble beginning with the original evic- 
 tion of undesirable tenants, and was I to think 
 it likely that our own janitor would be any 
 more lenient if Maude was to get, say, as far 
 as the elevator? Keeping snakes never got a 
 tenant in right yet and loose ones might set 
 the first of May forward as many months as 
 was necessary. Not to mention my own per- 
 sonal feelings in the matter, wiiich it's a fact 
 I once broke a contract on the Small- Time 
 years ago because a snake-charmer come off 
 just as I was going on and I used to meet her 
 and them in the wings every time. 
 
 Well, anyw T ays, I will say it for Ma, she 
 certainly turned in and helped me make a 
 thorough search for Maude, which was going 
 some for a lady of her figure. Looking for a 
 vanished snake in a apartment means consid- 
 erable gymnastics, because nothing can be 
 overlooked with safety, and I didn't want that 
 parlor-eel slipping anything over on me 
 [253]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 especially her cold stomach in the middle of 
 the night across my face, for instance. 
 
 So I and Ma looked under all the furni- 
 ture and in the pedalcase of the pianola and in 
 the vases and behind the steam radiators, back 
 of the big gold clock, inside the victrola, under 
 the rugs, back of the pictures on the wall and 
 every place: but no Maude. Finally we 
 even took a look out in the hall, although we 
 knew nobody had opened the front door, and 
 after that we opened the wall safe where we 
 keep our diamonds in a stocking, this being 
 a compromise between Ma's habits and my 
 common-sense. And then we hod a peep into 
 the ice-box where Ma found a saucer of pud- 
 ding which she had someways overlooked at 
 supper but no snake. 
 
 And after we had felt under the bath-tub 
 with my best lavender umbrella which what 
 with the limousine it was the first use I ever 
 had for it, and then taken a forlorn hope into 
 the soiled-clothes hamper, we give it up, and 
 sat down with ruined georgette blouses and 
 perfectly wild looking hair and all heated up 
 like a couple of wrestlers. Any one coming 
 in then would of thought we had been indulg- 
 [254]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 ing in a family discussion of some kind, and 
 for a matter of that it's the truth. I said a few 
 raw remarks about the kind of a home she 
 run for me and I working as hard as cider to 
 keep it and now she left snakes around, Gawd 
 knows where, and how would a artist like my- 
 self get the rest to do justice to my work on 
 the bomb-explosion scene in the last reel of 
 "Bosh or Bolshevik?" which I was going to be 
 shot in only the next day, and if she had to 
 support me instead of I her, she would have 
 a right to leave any animals or minerals around 
 she chose, but this was my flat and although 
 Gawd knew she was welcome, pretty soon we 
 would have none if I was to be made a nervous 
 wreck out of instead of the biggest nerve in 
 pictures. Yes, I said that and a lot more 
 pretty mean stuff as only a daughter can for 
 even with my refinement I am but a mere hu- 
 man after all, and under the glittering suc- 
 cess of my career is several common human 
 failings and at times I act no different from 
 any less well-known female in the bosom of 
 my family. 
 
 So I had the last word and Ma was in wrong 
 and went to get lunch without a come-back 
 out of her. Alas! Had I but canned that 
 [255]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME I 
 
 foolish chatter of mine ! But how could I know 
 she was going to act like she done later because 
 of it ? You can't remember forwards and if a 
 person could, it's ten to one they'd quit before 
 they was off the bottle and go back to Heaven 
 whence they come, life being so full of mis- 
 takes you could of avoided if only you had 
 done something different from what you didl 
 
 II 
 
 Well, anyways, Ma went back to the kitchen 
 to fix up a little snack of waffles and honey and 
 poached eggs on hash and cream-cake and 
 strawberries with a cup of cocoa and whipped 
 cream for a light lunch, her lunches being 
 light about the way a "light" motor truck is, 
 and I went back to my joint contract and was 
 so mad I concluded to write into it not alone 
 expenses and Ilosco but a cottage or bunga- 
 loo, as it is called in Los Angeles, while out 
 there. With which I wrote a refined but firm 
 letter to Goldringer, saying this was my final 
 word on the matter and spoke also for Jim. 
 Then I enclosed the contract and ?Ta called 
 out the cocoa was getting cold and so i stamped 
 and put it in the hall-slot which I never have 
 [250]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 a feeling any letter going down it is headed 
 for anybody except maybe the devil, and not 
 even him unless it don't get stuck on the way. 
 And then I ate, though not with much appetite, 
 what with expecting any moment to see Maude 
 crawi out from some place, and Ma being quiet 
 to a extent not to be fully accounted for by 
 three plates of waffles. It w r asn't natural in 
 her, that quiet, but I remembered the dough- 
 nuts and laid it to the sequence. Still I tried 
 to get her to talk, as talking, if about herself, 
 generally cheers her quite a lot. 
 "Anything- ail you, Ma?" I says. 
 
 / ^ * / 
 
 "Nothing much," says Ma, lighting into the 
 cream-cake. "Nothing to speak of." 
 
 "Tell me about it then!" I says. But Ma 
 wouldn't. She heaved a big sigh and handed 
 me a substitute for what was really on her 
 mind. It was something just as good, I credit 
 her for that. 
 
 "You know the stuff you ordered from 
 Schultz?" she says. 
 
 "You mean the wet goods I ordered to keep 
 Jim from parching to death this summer?" I 
 says, because although Jim is far from a real 
 drinking man, he having his profession of 
 dancing always in mind even after eleven P. M. 
 [257]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 and Gawd knows never fails to realize that 
 sound acrobatics is the basis of all good dancing 
 which a drunkard never yet was, or at least 
 not for over two seasons; still, in spite of all 
 this, Jim is a mere male and a drink or two, 
 especially if difficult to get, is not by any means 
 objectionable to him. And beside he had been 
 two years in France and I didn't want him to 
 feel it had anything on America when he 
 come home, even if I had to go so far as to 
 myself personally replace what Congress had 
 taken away. Do you get me? You do! And 
 I had done it as far as my bank account, cel- 
 larette and the liquor-dealer permitted. Which 
 looked like it was going to postpone the 
 drought quite sometime for us. And while 
 here and there stuff like champagne and 
 brandy and vermouth had to be bought, like 
 remnants on a bargain counter just kind of 
 odds and ends of each I had one satisfaction 
 out of the buy, and that was getting a case 
 of Old Home Rye absolutely the last case 
 in the city probably the last in the whole 
 entire U. S. A., and it was Jim's one best bet. 
 A high-ball of this just one with his dinner 
 was about his exact idea of drinking, and I had 
 calculated that the three gallons, taking it at 
 [258]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 his rate would last him pretty near a year, and 
 by that time some new vice would surely of 
 been invented to take its place. 
 
 \ 
 
 Well, anyways, I had ordered it and paid 
 
 for it, and there wasn't any more of it any- 
 wheres, and it and the contract with Gold- 
 ringer was two of the best surprises I had for 
 Jim. 
 
 "Well," says Ma. "I can't say I approve 
 of the demon Rum coming into our your 
 house, but once money is paid out, I like to 
 see the goods all the goods, delivered," she 
 says. 
 
 "What's this leading up to?" I asked. 
 
 "To the way that man Schultz cheats you!" 
 says Ma. "Pie didn't send the Old Home 
 Rye!" 
 
 Believe you me, never have I been handed 
 a meaner deal than that, no, not even the night 
 Goldringer first heard of me and came to see 
 my try-out for the big time and my pink tights 
 didn't come. 
 
 "Ma!" says I. "Why don't you call him 
 up and find out why didn't he?" 
 
 "I've done that!" she says. "And he claims 
 on his oath it was sent with the rest. I spoke 
 [259]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 to the boy which brought it and then to Schultz 
 himself. They both claim they give it to 
 Rudie." 
 
 Rudie was the janitor but he had missed 
 his profession. He had ought to of been a 
 sleight-of-hand man, for he could make things 
 disappear in a way which would of delighted 
 a morning matinee audience, especially those 
 under twelve years of age. Believe you me, 
 though, he was never known to make anything 
 grow where nothing had been before not rab- 
 bits or even silk handkerchiefs, but it's the truth 
 that he had onct or twice caused a vanished 
 quart of cream to reappear if given a suffi- 
 ciently hard call quick enough after it was 
 missed. And the minute I heard he was cast 
 for a part in my tragedy, I decided to hear 
 him read his lines right off without no delay, 
 because it was practically impossible that he 
 could of got away with more than a quart yet 
 and I was prepared to go through the busi- 
 ness of believing him when he come to the 
 description of how he had dropped it by acci- 
 dent and too bad but it broke. 
 
 Which was all right in theory, but Rudie did 
 nothing of the kind. Evidently so long as he 
 was lying he had made up his mind it was 
 
 [260]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 as well to be killed for a case as a quart, as the 
 poet says, and when I sent for him and he had 
 kept me waiting while he sifted the ashes and 
 pounded on the steam pipes and talked to the 
 garbage man and got a light from the cop and 
 chatted with the elevator-girl and a few little 
 odds and ends like that just to show me where 
 I got off, he finally decided to come up. Well, 
 it was seven months to Xmas, so what could 
 I expect? Anyways, he finally made his en- 
 trance, down R. C. to footlights, in my Louis- 
 size drawing-room, leaving tracks behind him 
 which Ma spotted with a angry eye as fast as 
 he laid them, and with all the well-known 
 courtesy of the proletariat he looked me in the 
 eye. 
 
 "Well?" he says. 
 
 "Say, Trotsky!" I says, for I had never 
 liked this bird, as he was on one continued 
 drunk. "Look here, Lenine," I says, glad of 
 the chance to insult him. "A case of fine 
 whisky at sixty dollars net seems to of been 
 avoidably detained in your dug-out. I expect 
 that with a little searching you can stumble on 
 it. And as for that bottle you broke by ac- 
 cident, don't bother to mention it," I says, "be- 
 cause I am gladly doing so for you," I says. 
 [261]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 "Only kindly find the rest and we will also for- 
 get about this morning's cream." 
 
 Probably I hadn't ought to of been so gen- 
 erous, for Rudie sort of swayed a little and 
 give me a pleasant childlike smile out of his 
 unshaved doormat of a face. 
 
 "Dunno wash you mean!" he says, real pleas- 
 ant. 
 
 "Jim is right about the kick in that stuff," 
 I says, eyeing him critically. "You certainly 
 have a swell bun!" 
 
 "Why, Mish La Tour !" says Rudie. "Don't 
 drink a dropsh! Never toush it." 
 
 And with that he give a sigh of disappoint- 
 ment in me w r hich made the place smell like a 
 bar-room ! 
 
 "But of coush I'll shee if itsh down stairsh!" 
 he says. 
 
 Well, there w r as no use in arguing with him, 
 I could see that all right, all right, but I left 
 him know I wasn't swallowing any such a poor 
 alibi as his own word. 
 
 "All right, you second-hand shock absorb- 
 er!" I says. "Maybe I can't jolt the truth out 
 of you, but I will hand you one small piece of 
 information before you take your reluctant de- 
 parture. You'll find that whiskey or the cops 
 [262]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 will. And if they don't get me a judgment 
 against you, one will come from heaven, that's 
 a cinch, for you not only got the stuff, but 
 you took it off a returning soldier which is a 
 bigger crime than mere patriotic stealing would 
 be," I says. "You wait and see what'll hap- 
 pen to you if you don't come across! We got 
 a long score to settle, we have, and right al- 
 ways wins out in the end, and that's my middle 
 name!" 
 
 Well, he went away very proud and hurt to 
 think I would suspect him of such a crime, he 
 being that kind of a drunk. Do you get me? 
 Of course! Gosh! How I do hate to see a 
 person in liquor; really, I think prohibition will 
 be a good thing for all of us, and was myself 
 only storing up a little, for exceptional rea- 
 sons. And when a person begins talking about 
 federal prohibition and their constitutional 
 rights I can't help but wonder why they don't 
 consider it in the physical as well as the politi- 
 cal sense. 
 
 Well, anyways, it was a blow to lose that 
 Old Home, and awful irritating on top of 
 Maude. And then, while pulling myself into 
 one of these new accident-policy-destroying 
 narrow skirts which belongs with what is 
 
 [263]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 through courtesy called my new walking suit, 
 the hall-girl brought the mail and Musette give 
 it to me in the midst of my negligee and strug- 
 gles and I stopped dead when I seen the first 
 letter, for it was marked "Soldier's Mail" and 
 only one which has some one expected home 
 and at the same time welcome, can know how 
 that particular mark thrills. Musette observed 
 me register joy so she registers it too, and I 
 tore open the envelope forgetting the skirt 
 which had a death-grip on my knees, and 
 opened up the page in Jim's dear hand-writ- 
 ing. 
 
 Did you ever come to a time in your life 
 where you had one trouble on top of another 
 until it seemed like nothing more could pos- 
 sibly happen except maybe the end of the 
 world, and then something still worse was 
 pulled on you? You have! Well, this letter 
 was pretty near the end of the world to me 
 at least a distinct postponement of anything 
 which could with any truth be called living. 
 For Jim wasn't coming back with the 70th af- 
 ter all! As I read his words in that dear boy- 
 ish handwriting of his which he never had time 
 to learn to write better, being like myself quick- 
 
 [264]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 er with his feet than hands, my eyes filled 
 with tears and I stumbled to the day-bed as 
 good as I could with the skirt, and sat down. 
 It seemed lie had been put in charge of some 
 special work in Paris and it might be six 
 months before he'd get sent home ! Six months ! 
 And me getting all ready for a second honey- 
 moon inside of six weeks! And instead of be- 
 ing out in the wholesome country with me at 
 Saratoga or Long Beach or Niagara Falls or 
 some place, he would be in Paris! That was 
 what I had to face and any woman will readily 
 understand my feelings. 
 
 Believe you me, I didn't care for Maude 
 or the Old Home or the contract or anything 
 for over three-quarters of a hour. And I had 
 to wash my face and pow r der my nose three 
 times after I was finally dressed on account 
 of breaking down again when just completed. 
 
 Whenever a person has a real sorrow come 
 to them the best way to do is control it quick 
 before it controls you. So after I had in- 
 dulged in the womanly weep which certainly 
 was coming to me, I braced up and got into 
 the new suit with the idea of taking as brisk a 
 walk as it would allow of. Then I put on a 
 new hat which I had intended for my second 
 [265]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 honeymoon but which would never see it or 
 him, as it would undoubtedly be out of style 
 by the time Europe had made up its mind one 
 way or another, and I was just going to leave 
 when the bell rung and Ma come in to say 
 it was a caller. 
 
 "It's that Mr. Mulvaney from the Welcome 
 Home Committee, the one that had you on the 
 'phone yesterday,'' says Ma. And after a min- 
 ute I kind of caught control of myself and says 
 well, all right, I would see him and went in. 
 
 "Well, it sure is strange the birds they pick 
 out for these deeds of synthetic patriotism. 
 This one come from the neighborhood of Four- 
 teenth Street and must of got his appointment 
 of chief welcomer from the way he give the 
 glad hand. You would of thought he was 
 cranking a flivver that wouldn't crank the way 
 he kept on shaking after any real need was 
 past. And if he was to of greeted each of the 
 boys the way he done me, the army wouldn't 
 be demobilized in our generation! Also he had 
 a suit on him which spoke for itself and a 
 watch-chain which must of posed for them in 
 the cartoons of Capital do you get me? 
 Sure! I and he had had a long talk on the 
 telephone as per above, and so as soon as he 
 [266]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 left go his cinch on my hand, he got right down 
 to business. 
 
 "Now, Miss La Tour er it er gives 
 me great pleasure to think you will take charge 
 of the Theatrical Women's Division," he says. 
 "Er I am a great admirer of yours that 
 picture you done, 'Cleopatria,' now great 
 stuff!" 
 
 Well, I let that pass, because how would 
 such a self important bird as this know my art 
 when he sees it, and if he enjoyed Theda, why 
 not leave him be? I changed the subject at 
 once for fear he would be confusing me with 
 Caruso next. 
 
 "And so I'm to spend ten thousand of the 
 hundred thousand iron-men raised by the Wel- 
 come Committee?" I says hastily. "How nice. 
 What will it go for?" 
 
 "That is for you and your committee to de- 
 cide," he says. "I'm sure you will think up 
 something tasty," he says. "And go to the 
 limit we need ideas." 
 
 Well, anybody could see that. But I only 
 says all right. 
 
 "I suppose you are familiar with commit- 
 tees?" says this human editorial-page-sketch. 
 
 "I'm never too familiar with anybody," I 
 T267]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 says stiffly. "But I have been acquainted with 
 more than one committee." 
 
 "Well, here are the papers I promised you 
 the general scheme and so forth. The cen- 
 tral committee will meet as is indicated here. 
 See you at them. Pleased to of seen you off 
 the screen! You certainly was fine in 'Shoul- 
 der Arms'!" 
 
 And before I could get my breath he had 
 looked at a handsome watch no bigger than 
 a orange, humped into his coat and was off in 
 a shower of language that left me no come- 
 back. 
 
 Believe you me, I was glad when he had 
 squoze out through our typical apartment hall 
 and the gilt elevator had snapped him up. For 
 to hand me ten thousand to spend on welcom- 
 ing a bunch of other women's husbands was, to 
 soft pedal it, rubbing it in. I was only about 
 as upset as that spilled milk that was cried over 
 and no wonder at 18 cents a qt. Well, any- 
 ways, it was no light thing to face, going on 
 with this work and Jim's letter scarcely dry 
 from my tears. But having promised over the 
 telephone and being given no chance to refuse 
 in the parlour, I would keep my word if not my 
 heart from breaking. 
 
 [268]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 Because, anyways, if I was simply to do 
 nothing to occupy myself except maybe a few 
 thousand feet of fillum and rehearsing my spe- 
 cial dance act for the Palatial and my morning 
 exercises and walking my five miles a day and 
 all that quiet home stuff which gives a person 
 too much time to think, what would I think, 
 except a lot of unprintable stuff about any ad- 
 ministration which was keeping him in a town 
 like Paris, France? And the only comfort I 
 could see in sight was to work hard to give the 
 boys that was coming a real welcome and re- 
 member that Jim never was a skirt-hound 
 that I ever saw. 
 
 in 
 
 Having reached this resolve I decided to go 
 on the walk I had mapped out anyways, be- 
 cause what is home with a disappeared snake 
 in it? And so I started, and as I come past 
 the door in the lower hall, which its marked 
 "Superintendent," which is Riverside-Drivese 
 for Janitor, what would I hear but Rudie sing- 
 ing to himself out of the fullness of his heart 
 or something. 
 
 I went out in wrath and the spring sun and 
 [269]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 after a while I begun to feel less sore and mis- 
 erable in my heart, partially because of the 
 fresh air and partially through irritation at 
 the stylish trouser-leg that both of mine was 
 in. But the day was too sweet for a person to 
 stay mad long. Ain't it remarkable the way 
 spring can creep into even a city and some- 
 how make it enchanted and your heart kind of 
 perk up and take notice do you get me ? You 
 do, or Gawd pity you ! It's the light, I guess, 
 just the same as the audience holds hands when 
 they turn on the ambers with a circular drop 
 for a sunset or something. 
 
 And by the time I had walked along the 
 Avenue and seen all the decorations which was 
 already put up for the first regiments home, 
 I commenced getting real fired and excited 
 with my new job. It looked like the powdered- 
 sugar industry was going to suffer because 
 about all the plaster in the country seemed to 
 be being used on arches which looked like dago- 
 wedding cakes and you actually missed the 
 dolls dressed like brides and grooms off the top 
 of them. And here and there was some funny 
 looking columns of the same white stuff and 
 on the Public Library steps a bunch of spears 
 and shields was thrown all over the place just 
 [270]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 as if a big Shakespearian production had sud- 
 denly give it up in despair and left their props 
 and hoofed it back to Broadway. It certainly 
 was imposing. 
 
 Up at 59th Street was a arch that looked 
 like Coney Island frozen solid. It was all of 
 little pieces of glass: heavy glass and mil- 
 lions of pieces. I don't know what good they 
 did, but they shone something grand, and must 
 of cost a terrible lot of money. I guessed the 
 boys would certainly feel proud to march under 
 it provided none of it fell on their heads. 
 
 Believe you me, by the time I got home my 
 head was full of imaginary architecture like 
 Luna Park and Atlantic City jumbled to- 
 gether with a set I seen in "The Fall of Rome" 
 when we was shooting it at Yonkers. And 
 after I had squirmed out of my walking suit 
 and \vas a free w r oman once more, in a negli- 
 gee, which is French for kimona w r hich is 
 Japanese for wrapper, well, anyways, I lay 
 in it and opened up the evening paper be- 
 cause I am not one to let the news get ahead 
 on me and have acquired the habit of reading 
 it regular the same as my daily bath. 
 
 But it was hard to keep my attention on it 
 because Maude was still missing and also I 
 [271]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 kept thinking, when not of her, of the lovely 
 arches and so forth my ten thousand would 
 build. I had about settled on pink-stucco, 
 with real American beauties strung on it and a 
 pair of white kittens in plaster symbol of the 
 best known Theatrical Ladies Association in 
 Broadway, and I expect the world at the 
 top, when I opened the paper again and I see 
 something which set my mind thinking. 
 
 "70th will add thousands to ranks of un- 
 employed." 
 
 Yes, that's just what it said. And I went 
 on and read the piece where it said how enough 
 men to start a real live city was being fed at 
 soup-kitchens and bread lines, not in Russia 
 or Berlin, but right in N. Y. C., ]\ T . Y., U. S. 
 A. ! Somehow, coming right on top of all their 
 arches and so forth, it sort of struck me in the 
 pit of my stomach and give me the same sink- 
 ing sensation like a second helping of griddle- 
 cakes a hour later you know! The thought 
 of all that money going on arches that after 
 they was once marched under was no good to 
 anybody but the ones which built them and the 
 ones which carted them away, had me wor- 
 ried. Think of all the soup that glass and 
 plaster would of made ! Do you get me ? You 
 [272]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 do or you're a simp ! And it also besides struck 
 me that while the incoming hoys would un- 
 doubtedly enjoy them city frostings, them 
 which had already marched under them and 
 was now in the bread-line must be kind 
 of fed up with it. Then I thought of the ten 
 thousand intrusted to me to spend which had 
 been gladly given in small sections by willing 
 citizens who wanted to do some little thing 
 to show appreciation to the boys which had 
 went over there, and I begun to realize I had 
 been told I could spend it anyways I wanted 
 to. 
 
 And when I thought of that pink arch and 
 roses I blushed, although nobody had, fortu- 
 nately, heard me mention it, except the two 
 fool dogs, aloud. 
 
 Believe you me, I then see like a bolt from 
 the blue, as the poet says, that arches was 
 all right in their way but they was in the traf- 
 fic's way at best and made mighty poor eat- 
 ing. And so naturally with Ma having it con- 
 tinually before me, I thought of ten thousand 
 dollars worth of eats, because w r hile there is 
 quite a lot of red X canteens for men in uni- 
 form, how about the poor birds which had just 
 got out of a uniform and not yet got into a 
 [273]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 job? Besides there is something kind of im- 
 permanent about food unless a salary to get 
 more with follows it as a chaser. 
 
 And so I lay there in comfort all but for 
 the thought of Maude, and figured and fig- 
 ured what would I do. It seemed it was a 
 cinch to get money from people to give the 
 boys a welcome but what to spend it on was 
 certainly a stiff one. But after a while I com- 
 menced to get a idea. Which it's a fact I am 
 seldom long without one when needed which 
 together with my great natural talent is what 
 has made me the big success I am. 
 
 Work! That was the welcome the boys 
 needed. Work and a little something substan- 
 tial to start on. So this is what I figured. Sup- 
 pose we was to divide up that ten thousand, 
 how many boys would it take care of, and 
 how? 
 
 Say we had ten men. A thousand each. 
 Too much, of course. Twenty men. Five 
 hundred per ea. Still too much. Well, then 
 forty men. Two fifty. Well, they could use it 
 of course, but it was not a constructive idea. It 
 was too much for a present and not enough 
 to invest. So how about 80. Well, that wai 
 [274]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 $125. per man. This was doing something 
 pretty good by eighty men that would very 
 likely need it, but it seemed sort of unfair not 
 to take in more of the boys. So I split it again 
 and had one hundred and sixty boys with 
 $62.50 in their pockets. 
 
 Well, I felt kind of good over this idea 
 and there was only two real troubles with it 
 which is to say that $31.25 for three hundred 
 and twenty boys looked nicer if there was 
 only some way to handle it right. But how? 
 
 I put in another hard think and then I got it. 
 The way to make that $31.25 a real present 
 was to make it a payment on something and 
 then with the other hand pass out a job at the 
 same time, which would not alone keep the 
 soldier but allow him to cover the difference. 
 
 And to get away with this all I needed now 
 was a popular investment and 320 perfectly 
 good steady jobs. 
 
 Well, with the Victory Loan the first part 
 was easy enough, and I concluded to pay 
 twenty-five dollars on each of three hundred 
 and twenty one hundred dollar victory notes, 
 making myself responsible for the lot the same 
 as if I was a bank and getting a job for each 
 note and having the giver of the job hold the 
 [275]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 note on the soldier and pay me the instalments 
 and I would pay myself back, or if not no- 
 body would be stung outside of me, supposing 
 any one of them failed to come across. I was 
 going to take a big lot for myself and another 
 ten didn't much matter. 
 
 And then with the remaining $6.25 each, 
 well, I would pool that for leaflets enough to go 
 around the whole division and on the leaflet I 
 would have printed the facts and a list of the 
 jobs and just what they was, with how much 
 kale per week went with them, and see that 
 the boys got them while the parade was form- 
 ing and then it would be up to them, because 
 the home folks can only do so much and then 
 it's up to the army their own selves just as 
 with munitions and sugar and red X work 
 while the big show was on. They did the work 
 but we gave them the job we and the Ger- 
 mans. And now all we could do again was to 
 give them a job and it's enough, judging 
 from how they went after the first one. 
 
 And then, just as I come smack up against 
 the awful fact of where would I get them jobs 
 Ma come in and says the hot-dogs and liberty- 
 cabbage which it's the truth we alwaj^s trans- 
 late them into American at our table, was get- 
 [276]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 ting cold and as long as I was paying for them 
 I'd better eat them while they was fit. So 
 I says all right and we went in and did so. 
 
 Believe you me, it certainly is a remarkahle 
 thing the way you start on a afternoon's work 
 like I done, all full of vigor and strength and 
 how your ideas and courage and everything will 
 sort of leak away toward the time to put on 
 the feed-bag at Evensong. And how again 
 the ideas and pep comes back in the evening 
 once you have eaten. There was almost per- 
 fect silence the first few minutes we sat down 
 or would of been except for Ma taking her 
 tea out of the saucer, which I can't learn her 
 not to do and the only way I keep her from 
 disgracing me at the Ritz and ect, is to make 
 sure she don't order it. But when the first 
 pangs was attended to I commenced to feel 
 more conversational. 
 
 "Work," I says, thinking of what I had 
 been thinking of. "Work is the one thing that 
 stands by a person. Everything else in life 
 can go bluey and their work will see them 
 through. That's why it's been so popular all 
 these years, and where these Bolsheviks make 
 their big mistake. Because they don't work 
 [277]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 and not working they get bored to death and 
 so they commence rioting. Do you remember 
 that quotation from that well-known cowboy 
 poet, Omaha Kiyim, "Satan will find busi- 
 ness still for idle hands to do?" How good 
 that applies to strikes idle hands ain't that 
 perfect? And it written so long ago!" 
 
 "How long?" says Ma. 
 
 "Oh, I dunno. Maybe three hundred 
 years," I says. 
 
 Ma laid down her knife and spoon, she be- 
 ing quite entirely through, and looked me in 
 the eye. 
 
 "I will remember them words, daughter," 
 she says very solemn. 
 
 And it's the truth I never noticed how se- 
 rious she was about it until I come to look 
 back on it nearly three weeks later. 
 
 IV 
 
 And during that time which has been so 
 immortally fixed in writing by the grandest 
 book with the same name, I was as busy as 
 the great American cootie is supposed to be 
 on his native hearth only it ain't that piece 
 of furniture but another, of course. Do you 
 [278]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 get me? I'm afraid sol Well, I was as busy 
 as what you think. To begin with 1 called 
 a committee-meeting in the privacy of my 
 grey French enamel boudoir where I wear my 
 boudoir cap and have the day-bed hitched and 
 this committee meeting consisted entirely of 
 myself and the two fool dogs. And after I 
 had gone through all the motions, I appointed 
 myself a sub-committee of one to carry out 
 the meeting's resolutions and do all the work. 
 
 This is about what would of happened if 
 I had done it the regular way and asked Ruby 
 Roselle and Maison Rosabelle and the other 
 girls. We would of had a mahogany table 
 and a gavel and a pitcher of ice-water and a 
 lot of hot-air and a wasted morning and in 
 the end I would of been the goat anyways, so 
 I thought why not do it single-handed in the 
 first place and be done? I could print all their 
 names on the leaflets and they would be per- 
 fectly satisfied. 
 
 So having got over the necessary formali- 
 ties as you might say, I accepted the nomina- 
 tion and got to work. Fortunately I wasn't 
 doing anything except a solo dance at the 
 Palatial at supper-time and one picture. And 
 so I had most of my days to myself. The Fix- 
 [279]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 ings on the Avenue grew and blossomed and 
 so did my contribution to the Welcome Home 
 Committee. I didn't get to go to any of their 
 meetings but I don't imagine they even missed 
 me at the time. And while the arches and other 
 motion-picture scenery was being as completed 
 as they ever would be, so was my list. My 
 monument took up less space, but when you 
 gave it the once-over it seemed maybe a little 
 more rain-proof than the others. Apparently 
 all there was to it was slips of paper six by 
 eight with this printed on them. At the top 
 it says: 
 
 "WELCOME HOME" 
 
 "HOWDY BOYS, AND OUR HEARTFELT THANKS! 
 DO YOU NEED A JOB? HERE ARE THREE HUN- 
 DRED AND TWENTY AND A VICTORY NOTE 
 GOES WITH EVERY ONE!" 
 
 Then come the list. I will put down a part 
 of it so you can realize what a assortment of 
 things has to be done to keep the seive in civil- 
 ization. 
 
 4 handsome juveniles for motion-picture 
 work stage experience unnecessary. 
 [280]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 2 experienced camera men. 
 
 2 marcel-wavers. 
 
 6 chemists, Marie La Tour Complexion 
 Powder Co. 
 
 2 salesmen, Marie La Tour Turkish Cigar- 
 ette Co. 
 
 1G waiters, Palatial Hotel. 
 
 1 traveling man, Marie La Tour Silk 
 Underwear Co. 
 
 2 experienced lineotypers, Motion Picture 
 Gazette. 
 
 2 experienced pressmen, Motion Picture 
 Gazette. 
 
 1 publicity man, experienced, Motion Pic- 
 ture Gazette. 
 
 3 fillum cutters. 
 
 1 stylish floorman. Must be handsome and 
 refined, not over 30. Apply Maison Rosa- 
 belle, Hats and Gowns. 
 
 1 orchestra complete, with leader. Apply 
 "Chez La Tour" (my old joint of parlour- 
 dancing days) . 
 
 30 chorus men. 
 
 2 sparring partners for Madame Griselda, 
 the famous lady-boxer. 
 
 And ect, add affinities, as the Romans used 
 to say. And every one a real genuine job 
 [281]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 paying good money. And getting them nailed 
 was no cinch, believe you me, except, of course, 
 I being such a prominent person I didn't have 
 as much trouble as some would of. Especially 
 where a firm was using my name on something, 
 they could hardly refuse me. I seen every- 
 body personally myself, and only the bosses 
 and in the end nobody had turned me down 
 except the one from which I had bought my 
 new bear-cat roadster for Jim's welcome home 
 present and it was some roadster, being neatly 
 finished in pale lavender with yellow running- 
 gear and a narrow red trim and tapestry up- 
 holstery on the seats which was so low and 
 easy you involuntarily started to pull up the 
 blankets after you got settled. You know, the 
 kind of a car you have to look up from to see 
 which way the cop is waving. 
 
 Well, anyways, you would of thought the 
 bird which had sold it to me for cash money, 
 him being the manager of the luxurious car- 
 corrall himself, would offer to take on some 
 of the boys. But no, he says there was too many 
 auto salesmen in the world already, and that 
 they had ought to be diverted into selling some 
 of the new temperance drinks where their 
 [282]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 trained imagination would undoubtedly be of 
 great value. 
 
 Well, anyways, he was the only one turned 
 me down and I had the slips printed and 
 stored away in a couple of cretone hat-boxes 
 and commenced allotting the victory-note 
 pledges. And then I tripped over the fact that 
 I was a job short. There was the stuff all 
 printed, and a job too short and it the night 
 before the big parade! Well, I decided that 
 when the time come I would make the extra 
 job if I couldn't find it, and believe you me, I 
 was as wore out looking for them as a Ham 
 with his hair cut like a Greenwich village mas- 
 terpiece. Not that I ever saw one and I have 
 often wondered where the artists which drew 
 them that way, did. 
 
 But in the meantime I had got hold of the 
 Dahlia sisters, and Madame Broun and La 
 Estelle, and Queenie King and a lot of other 
 easy-lookers and had it all fixed for them to 
 be on hand below Fourteenth Street at ten 
 o'clock to give out the slips while the boys was 
 mobilizing or whatever they call it. And then 
 just as I was getting into the limousine with 
 Musette and the two cretone hat boxes full and 
 the two fool dogs and Ma, who would come up 
 [283]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 to me but Ruby Roselle with a new spring set 
 of sables which it is remarkable how she does 
 it in burlesque, still far be it from me to say 
 a word about any person, having been in the 
 theatrical world too long not to realize that it 
 is seldom as red as it is painted and that the 
 coating of black is only on the outside. 
 
 Well, anyways, up she comes from her new 
 flat which is only two doors from mine and a 
 awful mean look in those green eyes of hers 
 under a sixty dollar hat that looked it, while 
 mine cost seventy-five and looked fifteen, which 
 is far more refined only Ruby would never be- 
 lieve that: which is one main difference be- 
 tween her and I. And she stopped me with 
 one of those deadly sweet womanly smiles and 
 says in a voice all milk and honey and barbed 
 wire, she says: 
 
 "How's this, dearie, about the Theatrical 
 Ladies Committee," she says. "I only just 
 heard of it from Dottie Dalhia," she says. 
 "What was it made you leave me off?" 
 
 Well, seeing that the armistice was not yet 
 broken I felt I might let her distribute a few 
 leaflets, although I had left her name off the 
 signatures at the bottom on account of her 
 never having proved she wasn't a alien enemy 
 [284]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 to anything besides dramatic art, which hadn't 
 to be proved. So I handed her a string of 
 talk about this being a small affair and how 
 I had thought she would of been too busy to 
 do anything just now, which made her mad 
 because there is some talk on account of that 
 she wasn't working just then. But she took 
 a few leaflets and read the signature at the 
 bottom. "Theatrical Ladies' Welcome Com- 
 mittee" and got real red in the face. 
 
 "Why, my friend Mr. Mulvaney spoke to 
 me about this!" she says. "I was to of been 
 treasurer, or something! Do you mean to say 
 you spent ten thousand dollars on them!" and 
 she pointed to the leaflets like a one-act small- 
 time. 
 
 "Yep!" I says. "Take 'em home and try 
 'em on your piano!" I says. "But you will 
 have please to pardon me now. I got to beat 
 it!" 
 
 And with that I climbed in with the rest of 
 the family and we was rushed down town to 
 N. Y.'s Bohemian Quarter, where the 70th 
 Division was about to hang around waiting to 
 parade. Which it is certainly remarkable the 
 places the highly moral U. S. A. Government 
 picks out for her soldiers to wait about in say 
 [285]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 from Paris to Washington Square, and I think 
 their wives and sweethearts have stood for a 
 good deal of this sort of thing, to say nothing 
 of wives and sisters being kept from going 
 abroad. I don't know have any homes been 
 broken up this way, but I will say that Mar- 
 sailles and Harlem would of listened better 
 to the patiently waiting homebodies. 
 
 Well, anyways, down we went to the ama- 
 teur white lights, and by the time we reached 
 Twenty-Third we begun to run into bunches 
 of the boys. Bands was playing and all, and 
 oh my Gawd, what's the use trying to tell 
 about it? There was plenty to tell, but ain't 
 every one seen it? If not at N. Y. C., why in 
 some town which may be more jay but with 
 its heart in the right place, and the heart is 
 the thing w T hich counted this time as per usual. 
 Believe you me, mine was in my throat and so 
 was everybody elses when they seen them lean 
 brown boys with their grown-up faces! 
 
 Well, we stopped down to Eleventh and 
 Sixth and got out and commenced walking 
 around handing out the leaflets, and at first 
 they weren't taking 'em very seriously, but 
 pretty soon they began to get on to who I was 
 and of course that caught them and a good 
 [286]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 many tucked the slips inside their tin hats 
 and all of them pretty near had seen me in 
 "The Kaiser's Killing" and I got pretty near 
 as hig a ovation as I had tried to offer them. 
 And as for the parade they was very good- 
 natured, but it seemed to me that as usual the 
 stay-at-homes in the grandstands was getting 
 the best of it and the boys doing all the work, 
 for parading, no more than a first-class dancing 
 act, ain't quite the pleasure to the ones that does 
 it, that it is to them that only stands and waits, 
 as the saying is. 
 
 The crowds on the Avenue was something 
 fierce, and the only ones which had the right 
 of way, outside of officers and cops, was the 
 motion-picture men. I seen Ted Bearson, my 
 own camera man from the Goldringer Studios, 
 and Rosco, my publicity man, and they was 
 talking together. I stepped back in among 
 the boys, because I wasn't looking for any per- 
 sonal publicity myself on this particular day, 
 wishing to leave all that to the division and I 
 knew that if Ted was to see me he would shoot 
 me. 
 
 [287]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 But ain't it the truth that the modester a 
 public person like me is, the more attention 
 they attract? My sweet, quiet voice, silent 
 though snappy clothes, and retiring manner 
 have been in Sunday spreads and motion-pic- 
 ture magazine articles practically all over the 
 world and America, and my refinement is my 
 best-known characteristic. Publicity is like 
 men. Leave 'em alone and they simply chase 
 you. Pretend you don't want them, and you 
 can't lose them. And the more reluctant I am 
 about being noticed, the wilder the papers get ! 
 Only, of course, without a good publicity man 
 this wouldn't, perhaps, be a perfectly safe bet. 
 
 So this day, having got rid of all my leaf- 
 lets, I was slowly working my way toward the 
 Avenue, when publicity was thrust upon me. 
 
 You know this Bohemian part of New York 
 is made up of old houses which is so picturesque 
 through not having much plumbing and so 
 forth and heat being furnished principally by 
 the talk of the tenants on Bolshevism and ect. 
 These inconveniences makes a atmosphere of 
 freedom and all that and furnishes a district 
 where the shoe-clerk can go and be his true 
 self among the many wild, free spirits from 
 Chicago and all points west. Well, this neigh- 
 [288]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 borhood could stand a lot of repairs, not alone 
 in the personal sense, but in a good many of 
 the buildings, but these are seldom made until 
 interfered with by the police or building de- 
 partments. And on the corner of the street 
 which I was now at there was a big old house 
 full of people who did something, I suppose, 
 and these were mostly bursting out through 
 the open windows or sitting on the little bal- 
 conies which looked like they couldn't hold a 
 flower pot and a pint of milk with any safety 
 much less a human. But there they was, sit- 
 ting, with all the indifference to fate, for which 
 they are so well known. I couldn't but notice 
 the risk they ran, but I should worry how many 
 radicals are killed, and so I paid but little 
 heed until I noticed that there was three little 
 kids all ragged children of the dear prole- 
 tariatwhich some of the Bohemians had 
 hauled up on a balcony which was too frail for 
 adults. The minute I see that balcony I was 
 scared to death, although the short-haired girl 
 and the long-haired man which was letting the 
 kids out on it was laughing and care-free as 
 you please. The kids got out all right, and then 
 something awful happened. 
 [289]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 Right below was a open space at the head 
 of this particular column, where the officers and 
 color-bearers and ect was. Rosco and Ted 
 was getting a picture of them. But while I 
 generally watch a camera, this time I didn't? 
 on account of watching the kids. And as I 
 looked that rotten old balcony broke and one 
 them, a little girl, fell through and hung there, 
 caught by her skirt, and it a ragged one at that. 
 Everybody screamed and yelled and sort of 
 drew back, which is the first way people act 
 at a horror before they begin to think. I 
 yelled myself, but I started toward her, be- 
 cause the radicals couldn't reach her from 
 above and from below the ground was fully 
 twenty feet away and nothing but a fence with 
 spikes and a dummy window-ledge way to one 
 side. But I had a idea I might make it for 
 what with two generations on the center tra- 
 peze and never a drop of liquor and not to men- 
 tion what I done in pictures, I think quicker 
 than some and act the same. But my new 
 skirt prevented, and ahead of me dashed a sol- 
 dier. 
 
 In a minute he had scaled the wall and 
 worked his way along the spikes to that ledge, 
 and then while the crowd watched breathless- 
 [290]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 ly he had that kid under one arm and was back 
 on the wall again. He held her close, turned 
 around, crouched down and then jumped. And 
 as he jumped I screamed and run forward, for 
 Oh My Gawd, it was Jim I 
 
 I don't know how I got there, but when I 
 come to I and that scared kid was all mixed 
 Up in his arms and the three of us crying to 
 beat the band which had struck up and the 
 crowd yelling like mad. And it was a peach 
 of a stunt, believe you me. 
 
 "Didn't you get my cable?" Jim says. And 
 I says no, and we clinched again. And then 
 we heard a funny, purring sound right behind 
 and broke loose and turned around and there 
 was that devil of a Ted taking a close-up ! 
 
 "Hold it! Damn you, hold it another ten 
 feet!" yells Rosco, who was dancing around 
 like a regulation director, just back of Ted. 
 "Fine, Fine! Oh, boy, what a pair of smiles! 
 Say, folks, we shot the whole scene some 
 Kews Weekly Feature. Oh say, can you see 
 me, Rosco, th-e publicity man!" 
 
 Honest to Gawd you would of thought he 
 had gone crazy ! And that bone-headed crowd 
 couldn't make out was the whole thing staged 
 [291]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 or real. Believe you me, I had to pinch my- 
 self to know was it real or not, but thank Gawd 
 it was, it was! And after nearly two years! 
 Do you know how that feels? Give a guess! 
 And then, just as I thought now this cruel 
 war and everything is over, why that rough- 
 neck of a officer give the order to fall in and 
 of course Jim had to and left me there with 
 that kid in my arms for Ted to make a couple 
 of stills for the papers. 
 
 Believe you me, I couldn't tell how many he 
 took, or when, because seeing Jim so sudden 
 and unexpected had pretty near killed me, and 
 I couldn't say anything much about the parade 
 either, because something kept me from seeing 
 it and I guess it was my own glad tears. Any- 
 ways, I had three wet handkerchiefs in my bag 
 when I got home and one of them a perfect 
 stranger's. 
 
 Well, of course, I expected the parade would 
 break up when it struck Harlem and the boys 
 would hurry right home. And did they? They 
 did not! I hurried right home, all right, all 
 right, but not so Jim. And for a long while 
 I was sitting there in one of my trousseau 
 dresses and a fearful state of mind over what 
 had he done to get killed since I last seen him. 
 [292]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 But hours went by and still he didn't come. 
 And I didn't know his 'phone or where he was 
 or anything. The only clue I had that the 
 whole business was a fact and no dream was 
 the cable, which had come after he did, say- 
 ing he would be home as arranged after all. 
 
 Believe you me, I hope never to live through 
 another twenty-four hours like them that fol- 
 lowed, because I couldn't eat or sleep, not 
 knowing where he was. 
 
 Xext morning I wouldn't even look at the 
 papers which was Sunday and full of our and 
 the division's pictures. And Monday was 
 worse, because even although Jim might be 
 alive none of the hospitals nor yet the morgue 
 had him, and so I commenced to think he had 
 gone back on me. A telegram come from the 
 coast saying "Great Sunday story bring Rosco 
 contract follows," but what did I care for that 
 stuff without Jim? Ma was very silent all this 
 time, and kept in her room a lot, with the door 
 shut. And then late Monday afternoon the 
 door-bell rung, and my heart leaped to my 
 feet like it had done at every tinkle for 48 
 hours, and I went myself, but it was only Ruby 
 Roselle and Mr. Mulvaney of the Welcome 
 [293] "
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME ! 
 
 Home Committee with her! The men that 
 girl knows! Well, she sees them in another 
 light than I and it's a good thing all tastes 
 don't run the same. But this was such a sur- 
 prise I asked them in before I thought and 
 pretty near forgot my own troubles for a 
 minute. 
 
 Ruby cuddled down into her kolinsky wrap 
 and give me the fish-eye, as she addressed me 
 in her own sweet way as a woman to her best 
 enemy. 
 
 "Dearie," she says, tucking in a imaginary 
 curl. ''Dear, Johnnie here was over to my 
 flat arid we got speaking of you by accident, 
 and he's anxious to know where's the money 
 he gave you, and why no decorations as was 
 intended?" 
 
 "Yes, Miss La Tour," says the old bird, 
 which it was plain she had made a even more 
 perfect fool of him than he had been before. 
 "Yes, Miss La Tour, it's a serious thing," he 
 says. "I understand you didn't really call 
 even one meeting and as for decorations !! 
 Well, what can you tell us?" 
 
 Well, I told him how I come to think of 
 what I thought of, and the jobs which I had 
 319 of and the notes and all, and while I 
 [294]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 talked I could see plain enough that I was 
 getting in worse every minute, because they 
 had come determined to find me guilty, and no 
 matter what I said, it would of listened queer 
 with them two pairs of glassy eyes on me. 
 
 "I had a hunch," I wound up, "that mayhe 
 something a little substantial would be wel- 
 come," I says, "because after all a person 
 can't live on plaster arches and paper flowers, 
 and three hundred and nineteen jobs ought to 
 take care of a considerable percent of the ones 
 that need it," I says. "And so while your 
 arches are all right," I says, "y ou must admit 
 they are principally for show." 
 
 When I got through Mr. Mulvaney cleared 
 his throat and didn't seem to know just how 
 to go on; but Ruby give him an eye, and so 
 he cleared his throat again and changed back 
 to her side. 
 
 "This is all most irregular," he says very 
 dignified. "Most irregular. You will cer- 
 tainly have to appear before the general com- 
 mittee and give them an accounting. What 
 you have done amounts to a misuse of public- 
 funds!" 
 
 My Gawd, I nearly fainted at that! But 
 [295]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 before I could say a word a voice spoke up 
 from the doorway. 
 
 "Like hell it does!" says Jim, which that 
 dear kid had left himself in with his key and 
 listened to the whole .business. "Like hell 
 it's a misuse 1" he says, coming into the room 
 and putting his arm around me. "You just 
 let the public and the soldiers take their 
 choice ! Give all the facts to all the newspapers 
 and we will furnish the photographs free ! Go 
 to it! Get busy! And get out!" 
 
 Well, they got, and what happened then I 
 will not go into because there are things even 
 a self-centered woman w^on't put on paper! 
 Poor Jim, and him back in camp to get de- 
 loused and demobilized and his tooth-brush, 
 and a few parting words of appreciation and 
 ect, these past 48 hours which it seems is the 
 rule for all soldiers, and I suppose they did 
 need the rest after that parade before taking 
 up domestic life once more. 
 
 Well, anyways, that afternoon late, while 
 him and me was thoroughly enjoying our joint 
 contract and the Sunday spreads with our pic- 
 tures and all, in walks 'Ma w r ith her hat and 
 dolman on and a suit-case in one hand, and 
 [296]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 'Frisco, the he-snake in his box, in the other 
 hand. 
 
 "For the love of Mike, Ma Gilligan, where 
 are you going to?" I says, looking at her idly. 
 
 "I'm leaving you forever 1" says Ma, in a 
 deep voice. 
 
 "Leaving us? Whatter you mean, leaving 
 us?" I says, taking notice and my head off 
 Jim's shoulder. 
 
 "I'm going back to work," says Ma. "I'm 
 not going to be dependent on you no longer," 
 she says, "nor a burden in my old age," she 
 says. "And now that you got Jim back I shall 
 only be in the way, so good-by, Gawd bless 
 you!" 
 
 "Why, Ma Gilligan!" I yells, jumping to 
 my feet. "How you talk! Besides what on 
 earth do you think you could do?" 
 
 "Oh, I got a job," she flashes, proudly. "I'm 
 going back to the circus!" 
 
 Believe you me, that pretty near had me 
 floored. 
 
 "The circus!" I says. "What nonsense! 
 Why a trapezer has to be half your age to say 
 nothing of weight!" 
 
 "I'm not going on no trapeze at my years!" 
 [297]
 
 says Ma. "I'm going back as Fat Lady. One 
 hundred a week and expenses!" 
 
 All of a sudden I realized the full meaning 
 of them doughnuts and cocoa and ect she had 
 eat these past months. She had been deliber- 
 ately training and as usual was successful. I 
 sprung to my feet and hung around Ma's neck 
 like a ten-year-old. 
 
 "Oh Ma!" I says. "Don't! Please don't go 
 back! Whatever would we do without you?" 
 I says. And Jim added his entreaties. 
 
 "Why, Ma Gilligan, what bally rot!" he 
 says, which it's quite noticeable the amount of 
 English he's picked up over there. "What 
 a silly ass you are, old dear!" he says. "Here 
 we are going to California and who would 
 cook for us if not you?" he says, "with the cook- 
 question like it is out there?" 
 
 Well, that weakened Ma considerable, for 
 cooking is her middle name. So she set down 
 the suit-case, 
 
 "Ma!" I begged her. "We couldn't have 
 too much of you, and you would never be in the 
 way or a burden no matter what the scales 
 say. For heaven's sake take off that hat, it's 
 too young for you, and burden us with the first 
 home cooking Jim has had in two years!" 
 [298]
 
 THE GLAD HAND 
 
 Well, she give in at that, and sat down the 
 snake and her dolman and pocket-book. 
 
 "Well, all right then !" she says. "I'll stay !" 
 Which is about all the emotion Ma ever shows. 
 "Whew, but it's hot in here!" she says and 
 turns to open the window and we left her do 
 it, because we seen she didn't want us to notice 
 her tears. And as she opened it she gives a 
 shriek and leans way over, grabbing at some- 
 thing. And hardly had she yelled than from 
 below come a holler and a flow of language the 
 like of which I had never heard, no, not even 
 at the studio when something went wrong! 
 Then Ma commenced to laugh something 
 hysterical and pulled herself back in through 
 the window and leaned against the side of it, 
 hollering her head off. 
 
 "What is it?" I says. 
 
 "It's Maude!" gasps Ma. "She was shut 
 under the winder and when I opened it she fell 
 out and lit on Rudie's head which was sitting 
 right underneath." 
 
 Well, we could hardly hear her for the noise 
 in the kitchen. The dumb-waiter was buzzing 
 like all possessed. I and Jim rushed out and 
 there, lickety-split, come the dumb-waiter only 
 it was more inarticulate than dumb by then, 
 [299]
 
 BELIEVE YOU ME! 
 
 and on it the case of Old Home lacking only 
 three quarts. 
 
 "I find your whiskey, Miss La Tour!" says 
 Ru die's voice, very weak and shagy from be- 
 low. "I chust find him and send him right 
 away, quick I" 
 
 "Thanks old dear!" chortled Jim. "Come 
 up and have a drink on me!" 
 
 "No tanks!" yelled Rudie. "I'm leaving 
 this blace right now foreffer!" 
 
 Well, we should worry ! I turned to Jim, a 
 big load off my mind. 
 
 "Jim," I says solemnly. "There is the three 
 hundred and twentieth job!" 
 
 THE END 
 
 [300]
 
 A 000 029 960 2
 
 KINAWILCOX 
 ^> PUTNAM <1 
 
 gssaT 
 
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