LONDON 9(ibli5Kei for bke ^AulKor Iju JosepK Masters 18^7 ^ SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF A. COMMERCIAL TRAYELLER. BY THRONE CEICK LONDON : JOSEPH MASTERS, ALDERSGATE STREET. MDCCCXLVIl. MAIK LIBRARY LONDON : PRINTED BY JOSKPH MASTKRS, ALDKRSGATE STRKKT. C76 PREFACE. It has long been matter of surprise, that although eyery other class of indiyiduals in the community, and I may say every subject, have, at one time or other, had their special historians or illustrators, till classes and subjects have become almost exhausted, not a single attempt should have been made to render justice to the large, important, and influential body of Commercial Trayellers. This may perhaps be accounted for — in part at least — from the almost exclu- sive character of the Commercial Room, which but rarely admits the entree of professional writers, or indeed of any strangers, within its circle. The locomo- tive representatives of our great manu- factories and mercantile establishments 077 IV PREFACE. are thus, in a measure, secluded from public obseryation ; and tbeir distin- guishing characteristics, habits, manner^, &c. — many of them sufficiently remark- able and peculiar — have not been brought before the world. Indeed, it could be only thi'ough a long, rambling, discursive association with them in their journeys, and at their hotels, that the requisite informa- tion and knowledge could be acquired to enable any author, whatever might be his genius or his talent, his powers of perception or of description, to pourtray them fully and jvistly in all their count- less phases. I have, therefore, though with re- luctance, and only on the solicitations of a number of commercial friends, who were aware of my daily cogitations on the subject, consented, however inade- quately, to supply the desideratum from my Diary. Few engagements offer so many ad- vantageous opportunities for observation, PREFACE. Y and for collecting materials for book- making, if time would permit, as that of a Commercial Trayeller. In the body of representatives, talent has neyer been wanting. They who know them best can most strongly attest the truth of this assertion ; but the all-absorbing claims of business haye not, uj) to the present day, allowed any man, competent to the task, to appropriate a sufficient portion of time for conyeying an accurate idea of the yarieties, peculiarities, and long- established usages of the Commercial Corps. Trayelling, as I consequently do, oyer untrodden and, in some instances, yery tender ground — creating a journey — - marking out a line neyer before at- temj)ted — endeayouring to raise a su- perstructure with materials of a novel description — I am aware that I have im- posed upon myself no ordinary labour. This is the more apparent when I reflect that the majority of my readers are, each and all of them, more or less interested VI PREFACE. ill some one or other of the sketches in- troduced in the following pages. I am fully conscious of the difficulty and delicacy of touching upon the eccen- tricities of our contemporaries, eyen in the most harmless manner ; and that, with men of tender skins, it is often as hazardous to ** damn with faint jDraise," as to '^ hint a fault, or hesitate dislike.'' But a faithful delineation of commercial Ufe must necessarily inyolye the pecu- liai'ities of its indiyidual members ; and indiyiduals are the types of classes. Thus, from a single graphic resemblance, some few unhappy adojDters of coyerings for other people's heads may wince and smart, under the erroneous imj)ression that they themselyes had been sketched by the artist, though nothing might haye been farther from his thought. For this I am prepared. Critics, too, may complain of a de- yiation from all established rules ; and they may rail at a want of incident, and a want of eyerything that can render PREFACE. Vll a book acceptable ; but I hope to be judged by a public which, in the exercise of its critical faculties, has no priyate end to serve, no sinister motive to which it can be called upon to pander. Into the hands, and upon the kind-heartedness, of that public — principally my own fra- ternity — I wilhngly entrust myself, con- fident that, since my primary objects in publishing are to perpetuate what re- mains of old and valuable commercial usages — assist, by my experience, the young and uninitiated — correct, in some measure, the delinquencies of the erring, more advanced in life — furnish agree- able amusement for the mass — ^convey a more correct idea of the habits, charac- ters, and position of Commercial Tra- vellers than has ever yet been presented to the world — I shall be judged in charity and candour. Earnestly soliciting indulgence for any scholastic deficiency which the eye of the more highly educated may too rea- dily discover, I venture to offer in ex- VIU PREFACE. tenuatioii the fact, that the Yolume has been entirely wi'itten and compiled after days spent in performing the arduous duties incident to mercantile pursuits, during such hours as are ordinarily de- voted to rest or recreation, almost with- out an after opportunity of perusing or correcting the manuscript. That the Commercial World is, of itself, sufficiently extensiye, liberal, and generous to offer just remuneration for the composition of the little yolume here respectfully submitted to its notice, is the full conyiction of THE AUTHOR. October 25, J 847. CONTENTS. The Commercial Character and Occupation Genuine Specimen of a Commercial Traveller The First Journey — a Novice A Gormandizer — Mr. Beggarly Spiffer Saturday Night in the Commercial Room A Jocose Wag — Master Danglefield . Dining with Farmers .... A Puppy — Mr. Smokem Coxeye Objection to the Division of Dinner Shares A Waitress at an Hotel A Member of the Society of Friends — Mr. Obadiah Beaver ...... An Empty, Conceited, Juvenile Pretender Necessity of keeping the Commercial Room Select An Unfortunate Youth — Lost Pocket Book A Wet Dinner Party .... The Miseries of Casual Horse-hiring . An Imprudent Traveller .... Mr. Saveall — a Praiseworthy Temperance Man . Pleasing Reminiscences of Eastern and Western Coun ties' Journeys ...... Contemptible Character of Aged Aggressors A Humorous Oddity — Sambo Bookworm Necessity and Advantage of Life Assurance , Force of Habit — a Retired Traveller • 1 15 18 25, 31 35 39 42 48 51 55 58 61 64 67 73 76 78 82 89 92 96 102 X CONTENTS. PAGE A By-day, or Profitless One, considered . . 104 A Good Companionable Fellow . . . .106 Description of Useful and Useless Representatives 109 A Modem "Swell"— Mr. Fullshow . . .114 Advantages of Locomotion for permitting Sundays to be spent at Home . . . . . 119 A Pompous Upstart — Mr. Justice Shallow . .121 The Quality of Agreeableness in Commercial Men, and its Effects , . . . . . 125 Billy Aqua — a Dry Original . . . . .128 An Emaciated Lost Man . . . . . 132 A Social, Comfortable Sunday Afternoon . . 1 35 Model for a Commercial Room and its Requisites 138 A Fast Man 141 Nuisance of the Railway Fry at the Hotels in October and November, 1845 145 Lord Saxony — a Pedant . . . . . 149 On Card- Playing . . . . . . .154 A Morose Bigoted Specimen — Mr. Pontius Pilate 162 The Siamese Twins . . . . . .167 An Ancient Specimen — Saddle-Bags . . . 172 General Remarks . . . . . . .176 A Self-important, Offensive Piece of Emptiness . 180 The "Boots" at an Hotel 183 An Offensive "Trotting" Specimen — Mr. John Chaffer 188 A Low, Vulgar Specimen . . . . . -192 A Bar-Maid's Description of Visitors to an Hotel 194 Mr. Tatting Lacem . . . . . .198 Inconveniences and Nuisances, through the want of Accommodation at the Spetchley or Worcester Railway Station ...... 202 Mr. Cicero Rattleaway — an Eccentric . . . 205 Decision of a Case before the Lord Chief Baron, pro- tecting Commer<;ial Travellers . . . . 209 CONTENTS. XI A Hypocrite — Mr. Yorkshire Mawworm . . 212 Mr. Bowton Steady — a Model of Indefatigable Per- severance . . . . . . . .215 Dining Regulations . . . . . . 219 Mr. Stumping Fagg — a Plodding John Bull . .224 An Unsuccessful Representative — Injustice of Em- ployers ....... 228 The Self-important Shopkeeper .... 233^ Life-Insurance again — a Vociferous Advocate . 237 The Walking Dictionary 239 The Landlord of an Inn ..... 244 A A^enerable Traveller — Ikey Gobrown . . .248 An Impudent, Disputing Specimen — Mr. Bigpot Sourcrout . . . . . . . 251 Reprehension of Moral Depravity .... 254 An Unpretending, truly Gentlemanly Representative 258 A Noisy, Self-sufficient Bore — Mr. Fulsome Brassey 26 1 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. THE COMMERCIAL CHARxlCTER AND OCCUPATION. The completion of a term of three times seven years, as a Commercial Traveller, has this day brought me to a recollection of the commence- ment of my business career, under circum- stances eminently auspicious. As a youth, serving my time to a manufacturer, who was called upon at intervals by a goodly number of commercial travellers, and who took alter- nately his journeys with a gentleman, our occasional representative, I had an excellent opportunity of observing, and of forming a B Z SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF correct estimate of the character, position, capacity, and respectability of the commercial body. That estimate was highly favourable ; and, at the age of twenty-one, I became a member of the fraternity. Glancing through the mist of years wdiich have since elapsed, I find the imaginings of my early days have been fully realized ; and I am proud in the opportu- nity of confessing and declaring, that I know of no other occupation that I have ever desired to exchange for my own. Indeed, I am aware of none that offers so many advantages — of no mode of life, excepting that of an officer in the military service, during the time of peace, that can be at all compared to a commercial traveller's. Commercial life presents enjoy- ments superior even to those of the officer, for it occupies the mind as well as the body, with- out distressing either. The quarters of each (excepting w4ien the officer is in barracks, and there he is in possession of no larger an amount of comfort than is the traveller at his hotel,) are the same ; his daily mess not one jot better provided, and in all respects similar, only that in commercial life the monotony is relieved by a frequent — ^an almost unceas- ing — exchange of its members, who, from the perfect equality and kind-heartedness which predominate in their society, without control, A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 6 and without the miserable distinction which rank imperiously claims for itself, and vaunt- ingly exercises over others, are more free and able to act with independence. Equality and propriety are the prominent features of the commercial room. An opinion is unfortunately prevalent amongst those who have had but little opportunity of judging by experience, that the habits of commercial men and com- mercial life are vicious and depraved ; that one unchecked, unheeded, and unbounded scene of vice is predominant with its members ; and that, if not obscenity, yet demoralization and revelry are constant, and not only tolerated but encouraged in the commercial room. This opinion, however, is a gross libel upon the body ; for although an equalized authority in some measure prevents, in commercial society, as in every other large and free constitution, indi- viduals from acting at all times with perfect consistency, there is no class of men like them, with an equal weight of responsibility upon their shoulders — subject to no immediate check or governance by a superior power — ^so much deprived of the pleasures of home, and the soothing influence and happiness of the domes- tic circle — -momentarily surrounded by objects of excitement, assailed by and subject to every description of temptation — who, living together b2 4 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF unrestricted, bound only by the influence of custom, example, and compliance, either con- duct themselves more correctly and respectably, or can lay claim to a more exalted position in the moral world. In truth, to be respected and successful, a determined resistance must characterize their career ; or, as principals, from the constitution of business and the value of time, they cannot long exist, and, as representatives,* brief indeed will be their opportunity for indulgence. Consequently, men who continue long upon the road, are (with very few exceptions,) firm in their resistance of impropriety. And, in pro- portion to the evil to be overcome, the greater is the credit due. To withstand the excesses and bewitching seductions which, on all hands, present themselves, requires a decision of cha- racter that becomes more inflexible the more it is exercised ; and the capability of resisting is far more praiseworthy than the untried mo- rality and virtue of the recluse — the piety of the inmates of a cloister — who are too frequently virtuous only because they are not exposed to temptation, — or than the cold prudence and strictness of the man whose manners and con- duct are restrained by the usages of refined society. A commercial man who discharges his duty A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. conscientiously has, indeed, little time for aught but business ; and although a playfulness of disposition may be produced by his bustling, healthy occupation, and an external appearance of cheerfulness may characterize his proceed- ings, he will not unfrequently, while bearing a smile on his brow, have corroding cares within. Yet, so consecutive are his duties, that he has rarely an opportunity of dwelling, or time for reflecting upon, any casual calamity that may befal him. He sees and promptly acts upon the necessity of setting to work to remove the evil, wdiether created by himself or by his house, without suffering his temper to be soured, more than momentarily, or his mind to be per- plexed by what probably the utmost forethought on his part could not have averted. When, through the successful exercise of tact and ability, the trivial annoyance has passed away, his mind resumes the cheerfulness which all men possess when they feel satisfied with them- selves, and confident that, by a conscientious discharge of their duty, whatever may be the result, they have done justice to their em- ployers. The emolument, too, derived from a com- mercial occupation, is usually good. Indeed, there are commercial houses, not few in num- ber, which so support and remunerate their 6 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF representatives, that many, enamoured of the mode of Hfe, and happy in the prosecution of their business, would hardly exchange situations with then' employers, were bondage at home to be the price of the advantage. For, acting in the capacity of agents, without being immedi- ately responsible, they have the stimulants of business, with the certainty of remuneration, and the cheering excitement of hope, without either the perpetually harassing cares of the former, or the too often painful disappointment of the latter. Their capital is their reputation, their freehold their connection, their remunera- tion is in their industry and ability. Freely following — subject, of course, to proper busi- ness restrictions — a respectable, responsible, honourable pursuit, without the restraints in- separable from a life invariably passed at home, commercial travellers enjoy a satisfaction and good fellowship with the brotherhood, of which the world beyond knows comparatively little. And all this, be it remembered, is in super- addition to the opportunities they possess of indulging their curiosity, gratifying their incli- nations, and acquiring a knowledge of circum- stances and events, with all that appertains to man and the world, more successfully, if advan- tage be taken, than can be accomplished in any other sphere. Travelling through the country, A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 7 too, either by their own or one of the many pubhc conveyances — leisurely beholding its beauties and enjoying its scenery — trafficking with its population — negociating with its natives — penetrating into the very heart of its society, and gaining a knowledge of the people's habits and dialect, — commercial men are en- abled to compare and enjoy the never-ending diversity of character which everywhere pre- sents itself. Thus they become acquainted with the operations of the human mind, through all its countless phases and gradations, and are made cognisant of various propensities, prejudices, and antipathies, that bias and con- trol mankind, and which, above all, enable them to attain the desideratum, — *' Happily to steer From grave to gay, from lively to severe." without either being influenced by the one, or guided and controlled by the other. Thus, too, they are blest with the opportunity for perfect- ing their judgment, and avoiding the shoals and quicksands of excess, and the thousand incen- tives to dissipation which would otherwise draw them from their duties, and disqualify them for their avocation. They are in the full enjoyment of a life abounding with advantages superior to those of the world at large. 8 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF In truth, there cannot be a mode of active Hfe more cheerful, pleasurable, and healthy than theirs. Traversing the kingdom, air, variety, and exercise are ever at command. In the bustling pursuit of business, from east to west, from north to south, they witness an end- less variety of scenes in daily life. Incessantly thrown upon some new and unexpected en- counter, and ever having thrust upon them greater temptations than any other class of men are or can by possibility be exposed to, they become, as a matter of course, and even in despite of themselves, from contact, experi- ence, and observation, genuine members of the family of man, and citizens of the world. Commercial men are of consequence, also, as being indirectly instrumental in finding labour for the operative, and assistance, by credit, which would in many instances be refused even by a neighbour. In this they exercise a wise and salutary precaution towards the industrious middle classes throughout the width and breadth of our land ; increasing the riches of the wealthy, adding magnificence to the great, and knitting mankind together as it were in a mu- tual intercourse of good offices ; and thus, while promoting the public good, they prov^e them- selves benefactors to the world. They form also a bulwark to the State. Their hospitable A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 9 board sends forth daily from the estabUshed organ at its head one universal sentiment of loyalty to our queen ; a loyalty evinced at no other table so frequently, and seldom, if ever, with more warmth and sincerity. They con- stitute, indeed, no mean portion of the basis upon which all the institutions of our common country rest, — by the exercise of whose ener- gies its importance and weight in the scale of nations have been created and established. By those who are aware of their actual position, they are justly regarded as essential parts of the grand mechanism which regulates the pro- sperity of the country, and by whose motive power the vessel of the State is propelled, go- verned, and controlled. The further weight and importance of the commercial body will, I am persuaded, be rea- dily estimated from the statement that, upon fair calculation, the present lowest computation of its number, distributed throughout the king- dom, from two or three up to ten and twenty or more, in proportion to the size of a town, reaches thirty thousand ; that many of its mem- bers are from home nearly the whole of their time; and that the majority may, on a fair average, be said to be absent ten months out of tivelve, or three hundred out of three hundred and sixty-Jive days, spending their guinea, or, B 3 10 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF in round numbers, twenty shillings each, per diem. This will show no less a sum than rmie millions of pounds sterling ; and when to this is added the salaries of thirty thousand men, varying probably from one hundred to five hundred pounds per annum., or averaging fairly two hundred pounds each, the aggregate amount attains the enormous sum of fifteen millions sterling expended by, or paid to, the body of commercial travellers ; an am^ount equal to nearly one third of the entire home revenue of the United Kingdom, and exceeding that of any single department in the State. The wealth and importance of our nation, in a commercial point of view, cannot, indeed, be more strikingly exhibited than by showing that the bare expense of disposing of the produce and manufactures of Britain, and of its imports, reaches the immense sum above-named ; what, then, must be the mass of our commercial re- turns, when the amount (and this is not the whole expense) of placing them in their ordi- nary channels of consumption is so large, and yet only a trifling and very inconsiderable per centage upon the aggregate ? Whilst forming so important and yet distinct a class of Her Majesty's subjects, it redounds greatly to the credit of commercial travellers, and is especially worthy of notice here, that the A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 1 1 more affluent have recently incorporated an in- stitution, likely, from the liberal spirit of its founders and promoters, and the energetic de- termination of its officers and board of manage- ment, to be second to few of its kind in the kingdom. This institution is designed to clothe, maintain, and educate the orphans of deceased, and children of necessitous commercial travel- lers, of both sexes, from the age of seven to the age of fourteen years, upon the enlightened and benevolent principle of including every deno- mination of the Christian faith. Sufficient has been already subscribed, to allow of the procuring commodious premises, with extensive grounds attached, dehghtfully situated on the borders of Epping Forest, in the township of Wanstead, distant about six miles, and easy of access from the metropolis. The asylum is now complete in all its ar- rangements, admirably adapted to its purpose, healthful in situation, sufficiently large to ac- commodate two hundred children, and capable of considerable extension. It has already twenty inmates enjoying the advantages of the institu- tion, with a declaration of a second intended election of children eligible, on the 28th of December of the current year, 1847. After long and anxious, yet pleasurable toil, the founders, having arrived at the present 12 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF gratifying point, look forward (aided by the assistance of the commercial body, and the be- nevolent pubUc at large) with great satisfaction to the period when the institution shall supply the place of parent and protector to a large number of children, who otherwise would be cast upon the world fatherless, friendless, with- out education, or a comfortable home, or any cheering prospect for the future. No qualifi- cation is required but distress and necessity, and no part of the United Kingdom, no sect in the land, is excluded from participating in its benefits. Since, then, '^ we cannot tell what a day may bring forth " — what dark spots may yet fall upon our horizon — check our present appa- rent prosperity, obscure our plans and arrange- ments for the future — or how soon w^e may individually be withdrawn from the world and its moral obligations — it is wise, while in pos- session of health and the opportunity, to make some provision for our survivors ; and, so far as within our ability may lie, to contribute to- wards the comfort of those who have a claim upon us, not only by the ties of kindred, but by the bond of social brotherhood and good fellowship, as w^orkers together in the same great cause of mercantile advancement. That the directors will not appeal in vain to the A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 13 sympathies and liberality of commercial men, for their kind co-operation and contributions towards the accomplishment of so commenda- ble and desirable an object, all past experience has fully proved. By the united efforts, too, of an energetic and sterling portion of the commercial body, a Life Assurance Society has been incorporated, and now for some few years permanently es- tablished. This, if we may judge from its past progress, and present prosperous position, bids fair to equal, if not excel any institution of its class in the United Kingdom. Its managers and officers are all shrewd, matter-of-fact, gen- uine business men ; men of the first respecta- bility, wilUng to devote a large portion of their time, and to take a warmly active part in administering the affairs of the Society. In this they are so aided by its able and very zealous actuary, as to inspire full confidence, and to ensure every thing being turned to the best and most profitable account. These ad- vantages, united to the individual and combined exertions of commercial men who act in the capacity of travelling agents, persuading their friends and connexions to partake of the bless- ing which life insurance is so eminently capa- ble of imparting, add weekly, and almost daily to the growing importance of the institution ; 14 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF inducing frugality and abstinence, a relinquish- ment of frivolous and superfluous expenditure, and thereby diffusing amongst its members, from the necessity of providing for so laudable a purpose, an economy at once satisfactory and ennobling, calculated to produce a higher state of civilization, aspirations and ideas more ex- alted, and reforming, from the centre to the circumference, the entire commercial circle. And thus the minds of the insured will be ele- vated, from their knowledge of having an inter- est in the prosperity of a large, well-conducted, and successful public institution. How sooth- ing, and how cheering w^ill be the confidence that their survivors are not left unprovided for. This will not fail to constitute an epoch in the commercial world's history well worth record- ing, and finally establishing for commercial men a name that w^ill reflect credit and honour upon their class throughout all time. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 15 GENUINE SPECIMEN OF A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. Reached Leeds to breakfast, after atwelve miles' drive ; and found at my quarters, Mr. Saccha- rine Worldsend, a fair specimen of the majority of the commercial body. Having breakfasted, and perused the news of the day, he was eagerly scanning the daily communications from his house, with others from his private and business friends, without relaxing a muscle, or evincing, to the most scrutinizing observer, by any smile, contortion, change of countenance, or remark, the slightest pleasure or chagrin at their contents. At length, hastily folding them up, and re-arranging his samples as per advice, he was ready for the business of the day ; humming, in a very subdued tone, a satis- factory sort of air, the certain indication of a mind at ease. Full of health, apparently re- joicing in his strength, he looked confident of success — of the united ability of himself and his house to realize all his anticipations — and out he sallied into the town, commencing his avocation with his usual alacrity ; his trade appurtenances, his legitimate and illegitimate sweeteners of the bitter cup of life, (or strong Bohea) within his grasp: intelligence sparkling in his eye, 16 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF perseverance stamped on his front, an inflexi- ble firmness in his manner, every citizen know- ing his occupation, and all men recognizing him, from his fixedness of purpose and busi- ness-like pretensions, to be an eager, zealous, bustling, commercial traveller. Some way or other, there is indeed, to coin a word, an unmistaheahleness about our body, see them when and where, and under whatever circum- stances you may. By some indescribable pecu- liarity of bearing and manner, they are all as easily recognized and distinguished from ordinary residents of a town, as one sex is distinguishable from another. And Worldsend is not an exception to the rule ; for his whole countenance is animated with commerce — illumined with confidence and assurance ; ingenuity peering through every glance. His energetic manner, earnest inclination, busy mercantile mien, hale and hearty constitution, seeming to bid defiance to hindrance, difficulty, or exhaustion ; and apparently capable, from habitual exercise, operation, and employment, of grappling with and surmounting every ob- stacle, and rendering perfectly easy that which, to ordinary minds, would seem utterly imprac- ticable. The mass of money which passes through his hands, and the extent of business he transacts, transcend our knowledge; but A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 17 they are unusually large : yet he has time for everything ; a fair judicious division of the day providing him with ample opportunities of en- joyment, and allowing him to hold a cheerful conversation, smoke a light cigar, play a friendly rubber, and, when very strongly solicited, sing (the only one he knows) a jovial hearty song. His lively and vigorous deportment, far from being limited or confined in character, so in- sinuates itself (being well timed) into all his business transactions, as to render him doubly acceptable to his customers, over a dull and stupid dolt. And his honour is as unimpeach- able, his word as well received, and his promises are as fully relied upon, in connection with goods exhibited by sample, as though the bulk were present ; binding him to his friends by a tie indissoluble. For, being well supported, neither he nor they are often disappointed ; and hav- ing consequently but few drawbacks to his energies, he commences his business with plea- sure, carries it on with vigour, and usually completes it with success ; concentrating within himself at the same time the triune essentials of a man of business — not always, unfortunately, so thoroughly amalgamated as desirable — of the Man, the Tradesman, and the Gentleman. 18 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF THE FIRST JOURNEY— A NOVICE. A SIGHT probably as novel as spectators ever witnessed, and a sensation as strange and pecu- liar as creatures ever participated in, liave been respectively enjoyed by him who started, and a man of the world who witnessed the start, for the first time, of an inexperienced youth just budding into manhood in the capacity of a commercial traveller ; into whose hands his employer had entrusted, in addition to the im- portant duties of his mission, a horse and a gig with all their concomitant trappings and equip- ments ! What an exalted character, in his own estimation ! What a new field of service and action, observation and scene, presents itself to his view at every step ; astonishing his weak nerves, and gradually increasing his knowledge, sharpening his reflective faculties, and enhanc- ing his opinion of self! Yet, what a novice is he in the ways of men, and in artifices of the world ! How little competent is he to take care of himself, much less the interest and property of his anxious and confiding principal ! So it is, however : all things and all men must have a beginning. How infatuating is the road to the aspiring, and how alluring are A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 19 the apparent ease, stylish turn-out, and gentle- manly garb of the periodical visitant to the counting-house or business premises of his master, during his minority ! What an anxious looking for of the termination of his appren- ticeship, when he shall loosen the trammels of his bondage and himself, wander (by the assis- tance of friends and a probably precocious yet undeveloped ability) the free proprietor of a horse and chaise, with a roving commission to see the world and partake of its many pre- promised good things, with, apparently, the sons of ease and leisure, but, in reality, as he will too soon learn by painful experience, hard worked and hard working commercial body. Alas ! how mistaken is the notion of tranquillity and quiet in a commercial career ! Yes, a single journey — one business tour — is the best argument against the opinion of those who imagine travellers' occupation and commercial life a sinecure. Even the parlour or counting-house lecture, with its quiet inculcation of business-principles, which a young man — not knowing where it will end — listens to patiently, and assents to 'fully, after undertaking the performance of a journey, is not without its pleasurable excite- ment. What faithful promises of a rigid per- formance of all the required duties are made — 20 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF what pledges of compliance with all the ex- acted demands are given ! How conformable to every wish, expressive of every hope, and full of expectation of success, is the ambitious aspirant of a commercial occupation. What anticipations of delight to himself — of profit and emolument to his employer — present them- selves ! How anxious is the incipient traveller to show his devotedness to the interest of his principal ! Yet how little qualified is he to supply the place and walk in the steps of a man with so much experience and so many claims upon their connection, as his retired, successful, respected predecessor, whose spirit and manner he has resolved to emulate, whose energy and industry he has mentally pledged himself to rival. How fatally delusive, too often, also, are such resolves ! Yet, far be it from me to offer a discouraging word. Ad- vancement is easy, where industry, ability, and propriet}^ are sure ; but young men are fre- quently too sanguine, too certain of success, without either the use of a well-judged and proper application, the exercise of a correct and manly address, or a fortitude in sustaining the denials and reverses peculiar to a commer- cial situation. To return, however, to the preparations for the start. — What an air of superiority the new- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 21 fledged ambassador at once assumes over his previous colleagues ! With what a dignified satisfaction, too, the portmanteau, desk, and driving box are locked, and deposited by him- self (performing for the first, and probably for the last time in his life, the duty of a "boots") in their well arranged and ordinary receptacle ! and how joyously the first bunch of keys — an emblem of authority and power — are looked upon by their juvenile possessor ! What a nice arrangement of his rug, and various gar- ments ! How exultingly^ after a hearty saluta- tion, the gloves are donned, and he attains the acme of his ambition, the elevated driving seat, a master of the reins, and the governor of at least a neighing quadruped and a four-wheeled drag ! How studious is he to produce the most striking effect, and leave a strong impression of his ability to drive ! Yes, thus with arms well squared a-kimbo, and body perpendicular, the whip whisked around the horse's ears, our young empiric is borne gaily upon the wings of commerce ; building, as he advances, castles in the air, with a fancied life of undisturbed tran- quillity, and a fairy land before him ! An association with men happy in each other's recognitions — possessing cheerful faces, healthy, robust constitutions, and minds, from active exercise, and frequent rebuffs, repellent 22 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF and superior to annoyance and temporary misfortune — bland, courteous, and free with yet perfectly independent of, each other — con- stant collision with contrariety of character — continued excitement — a perpetual change of town, object, and scenery — and a table bounti- fully provided — have all a tendency to dispel gloom, and cheer the dejected. Were it not for these, dull enough would the road occasion- ally prove ; for it has its drawbacks and dis- co mfor tings in an endless variety of forms — such as the want of the knowledge of character requisite to enable a man to be all things to all men — a confidence at once becoming and manly without being rude, fulsome, or ofi:ensive — a tact to enforce sales without boring — the superior advantages of some houses, towns, and localities, over others — the disadvantages of uncongenial seasons — the temporary absence of customers from home — the interference of market days — the occasional turn-outs of ope- ratives — derangement of the money markets — fluctuations of imported commodities, or general depression of commerce, and consequent flatness of trade and inability of clients to purchase — the chagrin which all right-minded men feel after making a bad debt — the visitings to London and the Markets — the excessive competition — the ties of friendship — and advantages of a con- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 23 nection which others enjoy in a superior degree to ourselves — the misery (from causes unavoid- able) of one unprofitable town, or a first and second by-day — the probable lameness or ill- ness of a horse — or detention for want of a conveyance : these, wdth innumerable other evils, are all discouraging to the inexperienced, ay, and the experienced too ; and require time and nerve, to enable a man to bear them with a stoical indifference. They are all surmount- able, however, if a young man possess ability, and a determined resolution to rise above their influence. And he will not infrequently find, that the greatest evils to be overcome, in his new occupation, are the inherent principles of depravity deep-rooted in his own nature. For subject by sudden and unexpected collision, as all commercial men are, to incessant exercise, and assailed, as he will find himself at every turn, by inducements to a deviation from the strict path of rectitude and duty — being for the moment as it were an irresponsible agent, with- out immediate governance, possessing time, and money, and opportunity for indulgence — ushered daily and hourly into novel and exciting allurements — enchanted by fashion and face — surrounded, occasionally, by careless, lax, vola- tile individuals with whom he associates and in whose eyes,, (wanting the resolution to resist. 24 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF forgetting the pernicious evils arising out of even a single deviation from correct conduct) — he is anxious to stand well ; — the influence of these evils, combined with others which beset a man, will require all the moral force and ad- vantages of education and intellect to be brought into exercise to overcome the pressure from within and without. Not possessing the capability of such exercise, no man can really stand well, rise to the first position, or be looked up to and upon as a man and a gentleman. Neither can he enjoy an appellation so desirable as either, for a man commercially engaged. To be a tradesman and man of business, will always secure an engagement, with a stipend satisfac- torily remunerative, and justly entitling the holder to regard himself as representing the tria juncta in uno . A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 25 A GORMANDIZER— MR. BEGGARLY SPIFFER. Rose and Crown, Wisbeach, Jan. 23, 1840, 5 P.M. — While six of us were sitting down comfortably to the enjoyment of an excellent dinner, in stalked a mountain of flesh, enve- loped in camlet, covered with a shaggy cap, and, addressing us in a broad Northern verna- cular, said (the only redeeming point in his behaviour wliile I saw him) " Weel^ gentlemen, hoo dou you do to neet ? it's varry cowld.'^ In an instant all eyes were riveted upon the fresh arrival ; those cognisant of the man annoyed .at being compelled to associate with such a being, and those in ignorance of his person and character wondering what he would really turn out to be like, when unrolled and unbuttoned, — a work occupying no brief portion of time ; for his superabundance of flesh is an opponent of speed, and he weighs, without his garments — or, as a knight of the cleaver would say, " sinking the offal," something like twenty stone. Time was not lost, however, in affording the ignorant and uninitiated an opportunity of learn- ing, that the new addition to our number was no other, and no less, than the far-famed, hoggish, c 26 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF vulgar, Beggarly Spiff; and all that we had seen, and all that we had unitedly heard, of this most extraordinary gormandizer, we had our optics gratified to-night by witnessing. When I say " gratified," it truly was to us a gratification to see, that the man positively deserved, and had no inclination to lose, his character so indus- triously earned, as a glutton and economizer. And, although "we talked at him" unsparingly, it w^ould not have answered his purpose to understand us ; and he really did enjoy, appa- rently with a double relish, the many various excellent provisions of this most hospitable house. As customary, our president proffered him the usual courtesies of the commercial room, by inviting him to become a guest at our table. This proposition, however, he declined, stating that he had " com''d hut a shoortish staage, and as he had taken an airly dinner (which we knew to be untrue) and warn't no but poorly, he thote he should tak a cup o' tea." " Would a glass of wine be agreeable ?" the president inquired ; and " he thote may-hap itud do him no haarm,'' he said, and " he'd no objection to sup-we-us.'^ And sup he did, a first and second, yea, a third and fourth glass ; and cheap, delicious' drops they appeared to be to his too often cheated palate. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 27 The waiter was then rung for, and questioned as to whether there was ote noiste i'th' larder ; and a long category of excellent plain dishes were a first and second time audibly announced by the said functionary. All, however, were insufficient ; and, ordering tea, he inquired, " had they no tung or fool, or sum-mut noiste and tastey like, as he only wanted to pick a hit, heing none so iveel ; hoosomnever, ote they had would do, if they'd put on tW side table ; but they might boil a couple of eggs — or four — ■ and be sure to do them three minutes, and to cut the toast thick, and put plenty of buther on it. ' The arrangement so far completed, his next request was that the waiter would fasten a napkin round his enormous frontispiece, by pinning it behind his neck ; and, thus adorned, he forci- bly realised all we had seen, or could imagine, of "holy friars and clotted cream!" Never shall I forget the suppressed titter during the performance of this operation ; for we did suppress our risible inclination, lest we should disconcert the man, and by so doing check his disposition to indulge to the usual extent. Nothing, however, prevented him from punish- ing the hostess ; and he laid in his usual quan- tity, to be charged in the landlady's bill (as we somewhere read in Doomsday Book, during the c2 28 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF feasting of certain public functionaries, " so many dined," when either money was more valuable, or our ancestors got more for their money than we usually get,) one shilling and sixpence. But, to relate the progress of the meal — and I shall hardly gain credit except from those who, like myself, have beheld the monster- eater perform ; and they are not, by the way, few in number, who can attest that this is not a solitary instance, or an overdrawn picture, but with him a thing of daily occurrence — the eggs and toast quickly disappeared, and with them wedges, not thin or moderate slices, but positively wedges, of cold roast and boiled from the sideboard. Then, requesting the bell might be pulled — for he seldom moved from the seat in which he had once placed himself for the night — he said, as his "appetite icor none so good, and he felt a little squeamish, he thote he should like a bit of beef-steak ; but to be sure and let it be tender, and done to a turn." Accordingly, the steak was brought in, and a number of complaints were made as to its being " too thin," and " dried up," and " God's send- ing victuals and the devil sending cooks," and " it vjorn't fit for nobody — fivai^ like a piece of leather — could not they do a bit more, and do it hether, and he would pick a bit at this in the A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 29 mean time ; or they might rather do him a chop — a mutton chop — but let it be thick, and under-done, and have't gravy in it." In due course, in came the chops, but his ungodly chaps, meanwhile, had devoured all the beef; and, as though commencing a meal, he ordered fresh toast, which he ate voraciously with the fat mutton, till the corners of his huge mouth called into exercise the before-mentioned napkin to stop the floodgates of grease. The only relief to his gormandizing, for up- wards of an hour and a half, was the occasional long sip at his bohea ; and his deglutition of that peculiar draught seemed, from its report, to be an inspiration of wind — or, rather, the always offensive strong respiration of an apo- plectic subject, while lying in an uncomforta- ble position during the time of sleep. At last, however, the meal was finished ; and, such a meal ! oh, how we pitied the poor punished wddow proprietress ! Then, placing, or causing to be placed (after the removal of the napkin) another chair for his legs, and putting his handkerchief over his head, he soon fell into the arms of Morpheus. Thus we were possessed of the opportunity of descanting upon the merits of both the man and the meal. One of the party related how, almost daily, after breakfasting late, and not 30 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF satisfied with cramming his maw, he crammed his pockets also ; and that he not unfrequently, especially in the longer days, left his quarters about mid-day, to avoid the expense of dining. In due time, with the view of saving a few paltry coppers at a road-side inn, he would take out his horse from the machine for the purpose of his nibbling a little grass, &c., while he would seat himself upon the shafts, draw out his pocket knife, and consume the pur- loined morsel, rendered twice as sweet from having been come at cheaply, and doubly crimi- nal from his having taken also, and encircled it with, a newspaper, regardless what might be the date it bore. Another of the company affirmed, that he knew the landlords of inns in many of the towns through vvhich he passed, who objected to receive him otherwise than periodically. And I am myself acquainted with an instance of the positive determination of one, not to re- ceive him out of his turn, resolved that his neighbours shall equally share with him the punishment he inflicts. More than once I have known him to lay hold of the head of his horse before he had alighted, and turn it from his gateway in the direction he intended him to take. Numberless other acts of meanness were re- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 31 lated ; when, snoring outrageously, he awoke himself, and ordered to be in readiness, for nine o'clock, " sax pennyworth of gin and water, and a pipe," smoking his own tobacco. Thus economizing — eating, drinking, &c., as much as possible at the cost of others — he has stolen a march upon many, wdiile determined to have so much for so trifling an amount, he is said, by such extraordinarily offensive, cul- pable, and unmanly means, to have amassed his thousands, which, from his plethoric habit being fed up, it is very unlikely he w^ill live long to enjoy ; and which, as they have been acquired over the back of his Satanic majesty, will as certainly pass beneath his belly. SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE COMxMERCIAL ROOM. January, Saturday. — Reached the Rose Inn, Gloucester, between six and seven o'clock in the evening of the shortest and most winterly day in my recollection. Having unwisely left Ross without trimming my lamps, and the at- mosphere having become almost instantane- ously pitchy dark, either I (for I could not see 32 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF my hand before me) ran into what seemed to be a carrier's cart, or was run upon by the said con- veyance. However, beyond the violence of the concussion, I sustained no serious inconvenience, and again drove quietly along, the wind blow- ing, and a hail storm pelting most unpiteously. I was therefore not a little thankful on reaching my quarters after the most cold and comfortless drive I ever remember to have experienced. But I was fully compensated by meeting with a good fire and a cheerful reception from a few really sympathetic brethren, w^ho, having passed through the same ordeal and suffered from the same cause, though now revived by time and heat and necessary stimulants, were sedulously anxious for my comfort and speedy resuscita- tion. We made a muster of nine or ten, and strange to say there were not more than two or three of the number whom I remembered to have met before, although they were evidently — at least the majority of them — men of equal standing with myself. I could account for this only from my being some ten days after my accustomed time. Indeed, I have often found that any deviation of this nature from the usual routine would bring me into contact with men who were strangers to me in person, although their names might have been familiar to me for years. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 33 But, strangers as we were generally to each other, there w^as no estrangement of feeling amongst us. We were desirous of a friendly fellowship with one another ; and, being all alike regularly beaten by the w^eather, we en- couraged a determination to be as happy as circumstances would allow. Relieved from toil — forgetting the buffetings of the storm and the rebuffs and anxieties of the day — finishing a week of cares — the merry laugh and ener- getic song w^ent round ; and the smart repartee, droll ingenuity of invention, quickness of fancy, and sentiment teeming w^ith pathos, wit, and humour, exhilarated every heart, and converted us — at least for the time being, in defiance of the world and the pressure from within or with- out — into one social, happy, jovial circle. Time, however, the prescriber of limits to all our mirth, brought in due course the approach to midnight, and with it the almost equally near arrival of Sunday's hallowed morning. l^Tien finding joyous moments yet in store. The glass to fill — its nectar drain once more — A toast, though last the dearest far — our wives And sweethearts ! absent sweeteners of our lives — Was warmly named — with heart-felt warmth was carried, The single sighing — wishing they were married ! All hailed the sentiment with cordial zest ; Justice was done, and we retired to rest ! c3 34 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF And when I consider how easily we promote sociaUty, and produce almost at first sight, by no sacrifice of self-respect but through a quiet determination to elicit the esteem of those amongst whom we may by chance be thrown, I feel happy in being a member in, or forming a part of, that community whose good feeling and benevolence for the brotherhood are so generously expansive. Would that the same unrestrained and open-hearted sentiments were more extensively diffused through all circles of society ; and that, in lieu of the bitter animosity too frequently existing amongst men of the same trade or profession in the same town, the fieelings of commercial men were predominant ; and that their being competitors should impel them to be in honour more open-minded for the production of their mutual good. Why should they not dismiss all consciousness of jealousy, ever returning kindnesses, and giving and seeking information ? This would un- questionably add to their profit, and could never detract from their comfort. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 35 A JOCOSE WAG— MASTER DANGLEFIELD. What a droll, freakish, laughter-loving, mirth-exciting wag is this man Danglefleld ! Leering out of the corners of his playful, rolling, funny, jet-hlack, penetrating eyes — pleasantry, wit, humour, and fun oozing from his peculiarly curved lip — a pardonable satire mingled with every word he utters, till business forsakes its cares, and all the room is in an up- roar, convulsed by involuntary laughter and a commotion uncontrollable. He is indeed a very slave to jesting ; and not unfrequently com.pelled, from his playful and sportive disposition, to encounter that which, but for his tact and consummate drollery, might be productive of consequences anything rather than playful, but which his waggish and deter- mined raillery wards off and prevents, occasion- ally even to his own advantage, and much to the chagrin and mortification of the would (but cannot) be offended antagonist. In truth, no man can be seriously angry with him ; for his satirical merriment is so entirely free from mischief, and his frohcsome loqua- cious bearing so decidedly harmless, that the 36 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF anxieties of travel are for the moment for- gotten, and to some extent desirably relieved by them ; while the well-provided repast is enjoyed with keener relish, and digested with more advantage to the inner — ay, and to the outward — man, through the mirth he inspires by his dry, farcical, and reckless roistering. He can, however, when possessing the will, talk rationally, and deliver his sentiments with tolerable propriety upon general subjects ; but his indomitable passion for the ludicrous — for travesty in all its forms — prevents him render- ing justice to either his opponent or his argu- ment. He seems impelled to deviate from his position, losing the thread of his discourse, determined to find something to laugh at or burlesque ; and I verily believe that, so innate and deeply rooted is this propensity, he has but little if any more control over his risible faculties, than an insane man has over those of his intellect. It sometimes happens that men are strangers to him, or not in a mood to hsten to his spor- tiveness ; but his gamesome tendencies acknow- ledge no check ; and when I have seen others, or been myself, disposed to a more quiet and sedate humour — ^'Our lungs like Chanticleer's have crow'd again,' A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 37 from his discovering in our very cast of mind and determination to remain in a state of calm repose, a something, either real or imaginary, to excite and amuse our attention. At such a time, his salUes are so smart, and made up of such excellent material withal, as to compel even a stoic to enjoy, and participate in, their richness. Danglefield is a man, indeed, in whose man- ner and conversation there is a higher strain of pleasantry and humour, than in those of any other I ever met with in the commercial world. His yarns, parcels, and anecdotes are composed of such extraordinary ingredients, and so well wrought out — his jests, of the very first water, are uttered with such admirable effect — and his sayings are in many instances so peculiarly and decidedly his own, that he stands forth as a distinct and singularly original character, in defiance of the attempt of hundreds of others to pourtray similar eccen- tricities. As Widdicombe is superior to all other buffoons who aim at a display of the ridiculous, so is my hero superior to all his compeers, who sink into insignificance by comparison. Such a disposition to the ludicrous is, I am aware, offensive to, and never can receive the sanction of, a quiet, steady-going, class of men ; 38 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF yet I am acquainted with no better business man than Danglefield, with all his drollery; and his sonorous voice, swarthy complexion, playful intention, and merry, winning, aspect, are infinitely preferable to the sour, monotonous bearing of those, who, in consideration of their quietude, claim for themselves a superior position. So long as man shall exist, to make up the motley group of which human nature is composed, there must be men of all sorts. Of necessity, therefore, there must be such as Danglefield ; and long may he live to enliven our circle, adding to our amusement, without detracting from our comfort, pourtray- ing vividly the character so inimitably drawn by Shakespeare, when he says — " A merrier man Within the Hmit of becoming mirth, I never spent an hour's talk withal : His eye begets occasion for his wit : For every object that the one doth catch The other turns to a mirth-moving jest ; Which his fair tongue (conceit's expositor,) Delivers in such apt and gracious words. That aged ears play truant to his tales. And younger hearings are quite ravished ; So sweet and voluble is his discourse." A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 39 DINING WITH FARMERS. Hitchin, Tuesday, Market-day. — Invited, as I was alone, to dine with the farmers and corn buyers, but objected, from recollecting the annoyance I had more than once endured, when dining some years ago with a host of these ignorant, selfish, and uncouth creatures, at some of their public weekly feastings. On those occasions, the company — excepting the chairman, who was usually a good specimen of the fine old English yeoman — were, en masse, better entitled to the appellation of " barn-door savages " than that of civilised men. The old adage of " every one for himself and God for us all," could seldom have been more strikingly exemplified ; for, in all probability, the majority of them had never, since the preceding week's cram, partaken of fresh meat or of savoury dish. Consequently, through their anxiety to have a taste of everything without being at the slightest trouble, or losing the smallest portion of time in carving aught upon the table, I was kept perpetually employed in filling their plates while they were as incessantly engaged in filling their mouths ; capacious receptacles, which they were reckless about emptying, as they 40 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF held across the table, upon their popular subject, muck or manure, a conversation so confused as to constitute a Babel in miniature. My objections, however, to-day, were over- ruled by the landlord, who assured me that the dining party were gentlemen, and he felt persua- ded I should enjoy myself in their society. And so I did ; for the men were highly respectable in dress and deportment, and their conversation was at once intelhgent, amusing, and instructive. In their extended views, the old subject of manure wore another aspect ; and soils, sub- soils, salt, soot, lime, guano, and every other natural or artificial restorative or invigorator of land, were as w^ell understood, and as ably discussed, as though the parties had been collectively practical chemists. There was a total absence of the offensive habits manifested by their class in some districts, such as taking salt with their knives, picking of teeth with their forks, which would immediately find their way to the vegetable dish to assist some equally unscrupulous neighbour. Nor was mention made of the cabbage or turnips they produced, nor of the hogs they bred. Their ideas indeed were generally more extended; for little was said about the crops they raised, or the stock they fed; and in lieu of judging of the pros- perity or depression of our country by the A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 41 prices their fluctuating productions fetched at market, they were able to look further for the cause. Instead of contracted opinions upon great national questions, they were in possession of enlightened views and information upon both our agricultural and commercial polity. Some few years, as intimated above, have transpired since I last dined at the market table ; and I am consequently unable to judge whether the march of intellect have so diffused itself through all the agricultural districts as to have reached the respectable position I this day witnessed. If so, the improvement of the farmers must be to themselves no small ad- vantage, while to society at large it must be invaluable. Certain it is, they are not the monotonous, unintelligent, narrow-minded beings they formerl}^ were ; for they have been made to think ; and thinking brings with it a train of action which will improve the condition of any man, or of any class of men. In the instance I have been particularly referring to, instead of the company being all talkers at once, they deliberately conversed upon the leading features of the political world ; evi- dently understanding and taking an interest in passing events in a manner superior to their ancestors. Wine, too, in moderate quantity, was consumed by the majority — and they mus- 42 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF tered upwards of fifty. Yet more strange to say, the Indian weed was not at all introduced while I remained in the room ; so that, inhaling a pure atmosphere, and not being lost or en- veloped in smoke, their eyes were clear as their heads ; and our ears were not offended by the clearing of throats, or unpleasant expectorations. -1 A PUPPY— MR. SMOKEM COXEYE. '^ O, wud some Power the giftie gie us, To see oursel's as ithers see us!" Newcastle, June, 1843. — Manchester pro- duced to-day, for our amusement, not the usual bustling, business-like, Manchester-man, but a facetious young gentleman, dressed (for his clothes were all good and well made) a few shades in style above the man of business, yet not quite up to the gentleman ; or, rather, his love of show and variety of colour and pattern negatived the probability of his being one, while his aim at display and want of good taste gave evident proofs of his not being the other. His coat, waistcoat, and trowsers were all of different hues ; and with the exception of the first, which was a brightish green emblazoned A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 43 with flaming gilt buttons, all his garments were either checks or stripes, and even his cravat, or stock, with swelling and formidable front, w^as conspicuous for zigzags, diamonds, and cir- cles ; a finish, or perfect tout ensemble, being established by a large diamondless, but never- theless brilliant and well chased, nobby pin, which, from the apparently careless manner, although chained, in which it was fixed, so pro- jected in the foreground as to form, from its immense size and peculiar quality, an object of no slight attraction. His hat, too, with smallish brim, was so studiously put on as to cover only a portion of the head, allowing his luxuriant and well macassared hair to exhibit itself to no small advantage. After spending a very short time in his society, I found that his dress and address w^ere in perfect accordance, for he was all small talk. Seldom, however, did he open his mouth in conversation without planting him- self in such a position as enabled him to mark, by means of the opposite glass, the air with which he poured forth his good things ; momen- tarily adjusting his collar, eking below the sleeves the often-pulled till much-soiled wrist- bands of his shirt, repeatedly porcupining his hair, and pointing his whiskers. And thus would he every now and then endeavour to catch a glimpse of his (to speak artistically) three- 44 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF quarter-face in the mirror. That, in fact, while imagining himself the heau ideal of perfection, the resistless magnet of all around, was the grand object of his own exceeding admiration. The room was occasionally perfumed, too, by his unfurling — not a Bandanna for genuine use, but —a white muslin embordered handkerchief, kept purposely for casting to the winds its odour, and for incessant exhibition, either in the hand, or as though by stealth and unknown to its proprietor, from the wxU curved breast coat pocket. Thus carelessly strutting, with his hands thrust into the pockets of the said coat, of fan- tail cut, he would call upon the customers of the house with that air of easy indifference and apparent independence which few men of the business world are delighted with, and which, when over strained, excites a feeling of con- tempt rather than of respect. After absenting himself for an hour or so, he again made his appearance, spontaneously, and instead of keeping his own counsel — a line of conduct so essentially requisite upon the road — opening his wide mouth and narrow mind to relate the form of his reception wdth each of his customers, making us all acquainted with his own arrangements and with their peculiari- ties and complaints. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 45 His conversation, ever light and frivolous, was seasoned with a choice collection of cant phrases (of w4iich the following may be received as specimens) that he at all times indiscrimi- nately used, regardless of place or company. Thus, if any person happened to be giving his opinion upon a subject to which Mr. Coxeye was in no wise a party concerned, he would volunteer an interruption, by exclaiming " just so, demme, them's my sentiments ;" or, fingering with his right hand the place about where his heart should be, when anything was said in which he coincided, he would observe — " yes, exactually so, the same here ;" and then again, allowing the progression of remarks till the speaker ut- tered something not harmonising with his own contracted views, he would remark, in an under- tone but sufficiently loud to be heard by all, " well, I never ! that is a stunner, aint it ! *' or, speaking of some quondam friend equally out- rageous and notorious for his follies, whom he imagines you cannot do otherwise than be ac- quainted with, recommends him particulaiiy to your notice, as well worthy your acquaintance, because he is a regular '' Phizzer ;" or, address- ing the waitress, in lieu of calling her by her proper or generally accepted Christian name, supposing him to require a small quantity of brandy, he would shout, abruptly, "here, you 46 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF domestic, bring me a juvenile bottom ;" — the term " bottom" applying to the measure of spirit usually consumed in grog by each party nightly. Interpreted, the word means a quan- tity amounting, if of brandy, to one shilling sterling ; and, being brought in the bottom of the tumbler or glass unmixed, accompanied by hot or cold water and sugar, is usually de- nominated *' a bottom ;" half the quantity con- sequently being a small or half bottom ; or yet, more vulgarly, he might designate the object of his desire " a cheek." Should a well-dressed woman happen to catch his eye, he immediately imagines her en- trapped by his degage and showy appearance, and returns delighted that, he " know^s not who, but some handsome and splendacious creature has fallen in love" with him. If so seated at table as to be entrusted with carving the cheese, in lieu of inquiring whether " sound or decayed" would be most acceptable, he would vary the question, by saying " shall I send you figured or plain, subdued or unsubdued, sophisticated or unsophisticated ? " The cloth having been drawn, his gaudy box emits its odious scented snufF, the taking of w^hich allows him to display a ring which, if exchanged for a nail scoop to remove the mourning border from his dirty finger ends would add not a little A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 47 to his own comfort, and relieve the eye of others. Instances of his folly and impudence might be multiplied ad infinitum ; but sufficient has already been said to convey a tolerably correct idea of the creature, whom we will for the present leave, that he may, in his peculiar vocabulary, request some gentleman sitting near to " agitate, or O'Connellize the bell-pull"; ordering the "boots," if senior, "top boots," or junior, "under boots" or "stockings," to "bring his embroidered slippers out of his mahogany wardrobe box, in No. 1 Room," that he mav prepare for bed, and sleep, we trust, for more good sense, or to improve what he already possesses : otherwise, our castigation will not end here, but he will be made to learn, by a nearer approach to his identity, "what he must do, and what he must abstain from doing," in order that he may render himself " more respected and respectable." 48 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF OBJECTION TO THE DIVISION OF DINNER SHARES. A SCENE of too frequent occurrence presented itself after the removal of the dinner cloth to- day. Two strangers, evidently non-commer- cial, sat down to dine with us, drinking during dinner a few glasses of wine, and ordermg for themselves bottled porter and brandy. This was unhesitatingly assented to by the president. They w^ere about to retire abruptly, before the dinner bill was called, without intending to pay their fair division, but were given to understand that their portion of the amount was four shil- lings and ten pence each. To this they reso- lutely objected, and became positively offensive. The demand, however, was imperative, and justly so, for they who partake of the usual provision of a regular commercial ordinary ought to know, and not grudge the legitimate expense. But it too often happens, that strangers are anxious to occupy a seat at the commercial table, aware of its being well provided. Time is of importance, when men leave home ; and as the dinner is in most instances tolerably punctual in its hour of appearances, they natu- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 49 rally prefer a regular meal, with society, to din- ing alone off a chop or steak. Some, however, are little inclined to disburse their fair portion of the amount expended in the aggregate ; not only taxing the time and constitutions of those belonging to the room, but causing them to pay for and consume more than their just quota of the wine usually ordered. Though men may be lovers of wine, the social beverage is, on business days, of but slight value and import- ance compared with the time sacrificed in its consumption. To-day, however, the president was inexorable ; and there could be no evasion of payment, or subjecting of the host to loss. Indeed, the landlord was too fond of his siller to allow any one to escape without the quid pro quo ; consequently both he and we encountered the heavy censure of the intruders, with an ex- pressed determination on their part never to visit the inn again. How far that might affect the landlord was not our business, for us it was a source of consolation ; and he, as well as other keepers of commercial houses, would increase both their comfort and finances by preventing, as far as possible, similar occur- renceSo Men may be justified in economizing time and money ; but they have no right to expect to be put in possession of a large amount of comfort for a very small outlay, or to parti- D 50 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF cipate in the expensive provisions of a com- mercial room without duly contributing to the cost. Indeed, few men feel comfortable there who are strangers to its members and its customs. Not only are inconvenience and unpleasantness too frequently caused by the intrusion of strangers, but questions touching the interest of their very neighbours, or perhaps intimate friends, may chance to be introduced, and the worst results may ensue. I would there- fore recommend any man who only occasionally leaves home, and who may be desirous, from economical or other motives, to avoid the ex- pense of his dinner and pint of wine at the regular ordinary, to dine alone in private ; or- dering what he pleases when he pleases, allow- ing his pleasure, convenience, circumstances, health, and conscience to dictate the quantum he may eat and drink, as wxll as the amount of his expenditure to remunerate the landlord for the outlay and trouble incurred in his pro- vision. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 51 A WAITRESS AT AN HOTEL. The dependants at hotels are, to-night, from having a capital specimen before me, vividly presented to my observation ; as they are end- less in their variety, and in some instances re- markable samples of mortality, they will not, I feel assured, prove an uninteresting theme for speculation. Various are the opinions offered, and fre- quently is the subject canvassed, respecting the advantage and superiority of women over men as waiters, and vice versa; but I think that, after all the pros and cons, women are entitled to the preference. When women understand their business, and are not spoiled by an undue familiarity — which is usually, however, the con- sequence of a liberty given by those upon whom they practise it — they are more congenial to our taste, more home-like and agreeable in their manners, more consonant to the feelings of mankind generally than men- waiters. The willing inclination of the cheerful dispenser of creature-comforts here, without partiality or favouritism, who is even while I write observant of my wants — attempting to furnish, without D 2 52 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF waiting to be asked for, all the little additions to a repast, which although not costly are not the less acceptable, and from the spirit in which they are provided are always certain of a proper appreciation — is very grateful. I have often wondered how men can at times so far forget themselves as to give utterance to hasty and petulant remarks, to offensive language, to a bearing of austerity and harshness towards this alm.ost (because the parties dare not reply) help- less and mostly deserving class of industrious servitors. This, indeed, is more a subject of re- gret than of gratulation, though some may seem to pride themselves upon an almost momentary exhibition of their superiority and importance ; especially as, without descending to an equality, orders may so be given, wishes or desires may be so expressed, and commands be so pleasantly delivered, as to convey a feeling of pleasure to the respectful and submissive attendant, alle- viating, in some measure, the painful consider- ation of dependence which they who serve, feeling their inferiority of position, cannot altogether divest themselves of. Certain it is, that a man will always, by suavity and forbear- ance, experience more satisfactory attention, and command a more obedient regard, than by an incessantly irritable and discontented practice of finding fault. Any woman, who can for years, A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 53 early and late, stationarily and steadily pursue the arduous duty of a waitress, at a well fre- quented hotel, has more than a few hardships to contend with, and slight and rare oppor- tunities of enjoyment beyond the scene of her labours. She in fact lives daily in subjection, and at the discretion of the various, ever- changing, unceasing diversity of characters which occupy the commercial room ; men who embody every variety of temperament, dis- position, intelligence, and ignorance, with all the strange and unaccountable biases which go to make up the motley group of human pecu- liarity, not unfrequently excited and carried beyond itself, by disappointment, chagrin, or perhaps excessive indulgence. AVomen in this capacity are often compelled to listen to un- called for reproach, and bound to be respect- fully attentive, while writhing under a weight of unmerited censure. She who lives daily subject to such annoyance, almost without enjoying the pure breath of heaven, and hardly ever emerging beyond the threshold of the inn — whose unintermitting occupation, distending the muscles, increasing the size of the ankle and width of the foot, while ascending and de- scending a flight of steps from the kitchen to the travellers' room and bar, and back again into the kitchen to inhale the sickening repe- 54 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF tition of the steaming, oft-cooked soups and joints, and the more foul tongue of the coarse and vulgar cook — claims at least our respect. She is seldom dejected, however ; and her neat and cleanly appearance, and invariable good humour, constantly cheer us ; for although her once rosy tinged and healthy looking cheek is now blanched, and has long lost its colour in our service, it has not lost its power to charm. Yet although her spirit may be willing, her flesh is evidently weak, and indicates not only unceasing labour by day but wearing, wearying, fatigue by night. Until after the " 'witching hour," she is enveloped in smoke : the air of the room- — the only air she breathes — is impreg- nated with the effluvia of principee, Dutch-cut and Havannah, till she is all but smoke-dried. Well, therefore, does she deserve our sympathy, and well does she merit her hardly earned pittance of threepence per meal, or sixpence 'per diem. Yet she is playful, without descend- ing to immodesty ; and there is a pardonable trifling gaiety in her manner, and a humorous tendency in her words and actions, mingled with so much good sense, that the most licen- tious are kept at a proper and respectful dis- tance, and totally disarmed by her decorous firmness and becoming confidence. She is ever alive, notwithstanding, to our inclinations and A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 55 desires, and almost before the wish has been expressed she cheerfully supplies our wants. Such is one specimen of a worthy and re- spected waitress ; and if all are not equally so, let the commercial body take the condemnation to themselves ; for a trifling, frivolous bearing, and a looseness of expression have frequently produced a laxity of morals much to be con- demned, but which I am happy to find, from the perpetual onward movement, is giving place to a much more correct, moral, and desirable state of things. A MEMBER OF THE SOCIETY OF FRIENDS- MR. OBADIAH BEAVER. To-day I have had a renewed opportunity of witnessing the quiet, inoffensive, and unosten- tatious demeanour of a member of the Society of Friends, who numbers with our body. His correctness of deportment, mild, but manly and gentlemanly bearing, plainness of speech, quaintness of manner, and genuine propriety, are well worth emulating, and eminently de- serving of notice, were it only for the sake of example. They happily demonstrate, that 56 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF morality, and even piety, are not incompatible with an active commercial occupation ; for our " friend" pursues the even tenor of his way with indefatigable industry and assiduity, and with a consistency fully equal to his exertions ; one decided unanimity of purpose and action go- verning all his business transactions, and con- trolling his physical and intellectual man. He endeavours to steal through the world unob- served, yet not unobserving ; rendering full justice to his own situation and the merits and deserts of others, yet studying to conceal his own : and, so far as prominence of position is concerned, contented to be a figure of no effect, or satisfied with steering in the middle but most respected way, desirous, '' while living in Rome, to comply with the usages of Eo- mans," and conforming, with readiness and ease, to the customs and practices of the road. For he is ever alive to the interests, comforts, and happiness of his associates, and is never more happy than when able to contribute to their well-being. In argument our " friend " is in possession of a modest assurance : firm and decisive, but not overbearing ; confident, without being rude or impudent. Aided by unostentatious eloquence and truth, and language distinguished by bre- vity, point, and force, he never fails to prove at- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 57 tractive, impressive, instructive, and persuasive. Aware of the fallibility of our nature, he refrains from frankly and fearlessly asserting his own sentiments, so far even as might be consistent in carrying out his own views. He wisely rather acquiesces in and assents to those avowed by others, when not hostile to the cause of truth ; deeming it imprudent to be litigious where men are fixed in principle and intention, and acknowledging, in its fullest extent, a toler- ation of al] that appertains to personal as well as civil and religious liberty. His coolness and apparent unconcern render him infinitely pre- ferable to a busy-body ; for he steadily pursues his avocation, and seemingly regardless of sur- rounding objects, without giving offence, and without raising enemies. A certain degree of outward seriousness in his looks and actions imparts dignity to his manners. Yet vivacity has the ascendancy in his conversation ; and wit, restrained wdthin proper limits, and sea- soned with a due respect for the feelings of his associates, renders him at once companionable, friendl)^ and generally acceptable. Nothing, however, allows him to excuse or extenuate the least breach of morality, or suffers him to as- sent to, or acquiesce in, anything frivolous, personal, or criminal, even if uttered for mere diversion or amusement. His disapproval is D 3 58 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF evinced by his holding himself aloof, or not taking any notice of the offensive effusion ; knowing it to be useless formidably to oppose, or endeavour to correct, where men of many minds and every shade of temperament con- gregate, and possess equal authority ; men who are — at least in their own estimation — account- able only to themselves, and to Him Who seeth as men see not, and Who exerciseth the power to reprove, chastise, and reward. AN EMPTY, CONCEITED, JUVENILE PRETENDER. A YOUNG metropolitan, starring it on his first or second journey here to-day, and no mean altitude did he seem to attain in his own esti- mation. Advanced above his former self, and forgetting that his present associates w^ere not his accustomed counter-skipping companions, he seemed to imagine himself superior to all the world beside — some " herald Mercury, new^- lighted on a heaven-kissing hill." Alas! he found himself treated with the contempt he merited for his daring presumption. Time, however, will soften down his present pretensions, and his display and importance A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 59 will find an humbler yet more respectable level in a calm and sobered propriety of deportment. He will then be happy to make the acquaint- ance of men plain in appearance, but whose minds and knowledge of business are far be- yond his own, and from whom he will be glad to receive lessons of instruction. Hundreds of others have similarly erred in their endeavour to pursue a course of ostentation and pompous self-importance, when commencing a commer- cial life, who now number amongst the brightest ornaments of the road ; for a continued inter- course with its members rubs off their appear- ance of hauteur^ self-importance, and affected superiority ; and they are by degrees made to shake off their false dignity, to rejoice in being able to form friendships, and to settle down to a quiet, easy, plodding, respectable deportment. Thus they become all that we or others would desire them to be. Any man, in truth, who wishes to stand well with and become a member of the commercial body, must consult not only the gratification of his own wishes and desires, but the feelings of those around him must have his regard. He will even find it so imperatively requisite for him to adapt means to their ends, that he must forfeit all comfort, and indeed respect, unless others enjoy his consideration as well as himself. A course of procedure so 60 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF prudent is desirable on many other accounts also ; for innumerable are the little essential ser- vices, in the shape of information, as to indivi- duals, the shortest and most pleasant routes, ex- changing of moneys, &c., which men are capable of rendering each other where a friendly feeling exists ; and a respectful, courteous, affable deportment in a young man so places him upon an equality with his seniors, as to improve his faculties, and afford him an opportunity of sharpening his intellect by acquiring their knowledge without the expense of painful ex- perience, and to force upon the mind of any man who intends the commercial world to be his sphere, and the commercial room his home, the necessity of its adoption. There, indeed, all are upon the same level ; and, with now and then a rare exception, the opulent merchant, the wealthy manufacturer, or the thrifty money- making representative, aims at no display. Amongst such, no classification exists ; but men of all ranks and all ages, without respect to property or even superiority of attainment, are, as I have just said, upon the same level ; and one uniform respectability of conduct, and attention to the established rules and obser- vances of the room, form at once a stepping stone to the respect due and usually paid by one gentleman to another. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 61 NECESSITY OF KEEPING THE COMMERCIAL ROOM SELECT. White Hart, Aylesbury. — The commercial room, usually a sanctum sanctorum, or place set apart exclusively for the use of the commercial body, where all its inmates are supposed to be equally interested in passing remarks upon men and things, lost its character to-day from an acci- dental circumstance. A discussion had been commenced with some warmth, and carried on with no slight degree of abihty, upon the merits and demerits of the income tax ; when the con- clusions arrived at were — as had been the case a thousand times before — that labour ought not to be taxed in the same ratio as real property, and that if any one class of men, in preference to another, had a right to exemption, commer- cial travellers constituted that class. Yet, upon them, an additional demand is made, by its sur- veyors or collectors straining the act of parha- ment, and thus representing the meaning of its framers as opposed to their intention, and thereby bringing into contempt those for whom commercial men at large entertain the iiighest respect, viz. — Her Majesty's government. 62 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF The additional demand alluded to is a posi- tive charge, after a declaration of the salary upon oath, of fifty pounds per annum super- added to that salary, as a portion of the amount expended upon themselves when away from home, in pursuit of business, which, to use their argument, you must acquire or you could not disburse, and it must necessarily therefore form a portion of your income. Whether our legislators intended this addi- tional and, as it appears to me, unfair and unjust surcharge, to be pushed to the very letter, I am not prepared to express a decided opinion ; but, if so, their officers for carrying it into effect ought certainly to render the bur- den as light as they possibly can by affording the requisite information, and also by a respect- ability of demeanour which, I regret to say, they too often altogether lose sight of. We were expressing our dissatisfaction freely to-day, not so much with reference to the tax itself as to the conduct of its officers or in- spectors ; when, lo ! a perfect specimen of the genus surveyor, or collector, who had till this moment sat a listener, announced himself as Her Majesty's servant, Mr. Gabel, and much insulted ! Poor creature 1 how he foamed and frothed at our remarks, imagining that we had all the time been acquainted with his office, A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 63 and had been directing our conversation to, or at, him ; instead of which, had he kept his own counsel, not a soul would have conjectured, or thought of inquiring, who or what he might be. But his rude personality and bullying, so perfectly in keeping with his order, availed nothing with us ; and, having been advised in future to have a private room, or make himself less objectionable, by the adoption of a more manly line of conduct, when tolerated in a private one — which a commercial room ought to be considered and in truth is — he, wincing at some home thrusts made by one of our party, left the room precipitately. Such is one amongst a thousand instances of the folly of men, not actually commercial, wishing to thrust themselves into the com- mercial room ; for there, conversation is never straitened or confined, as in other assemblies, but unrestrained as though all were familiar and intimate friends. And yet it not unfrequently happens that they are unacquainted even with each other's names. Nevertheless, their discourse or conversation is frank and unre- served, without the least inclination to be either personally offensive or captiously disputative ; all finding themselves equally at home, and their conduct and bearing regulated by gentle- manly feeling, prudence, and the established 64 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF rules of good society. In the commercial room, indeed, the most retired opinions of persons and circumstances are frequently canvassed in the strictest confidence and secrecy ; for sup- posing themselves to be all brethren, subject to no espionage, inquisitorial inspection, or im- pertinent intrusion, its occupants receive and give information, which, if overheard by a stranger, might lead to results of an unpleasant if not of a dangerous character, though intended for the pubhc good. AN UNFORTUNATE YOUTH— LOST POCKET BOOK. Crown Inn, Huntingdon, 8 p. m. — A young man entered, apparently a little groggy, and although before the usual smoking hour, per- fumed the room with a cigar which he brought in. Ordering brandy and water, he condemned the "boots," abused the waiter, and, full of complaints, hiccuped, and muttered some un- intelligible jargon. Then, utterly forgetting the decencies of society, he placed his back front as though he intended it to be roasted by the fire. During that operation, dividing his coat A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 65 tail, his hands involuntarily came in contact with the pockets of the said garment ; and, staring first at us, then vacantly around, evi- dently deficient in something of no small im- portance, he put his hands first into his breast pocket, then into each of his other great and undercoat pockets — ordered the things out of his chaise, unlocking his writing case and driving box, without finding the missing and evidently valuable something to us unexplain- able. Without giving utterance to the cause of his unsettled appearance, or what was passing in his mind, he gazed mechanically around, and, as though inspired by a sudden hope, sum- moning his recollection as to where he had de- posited the treasure, he flew hastily to his wardrobe box, hoping there to meet with what he sought, and emptying it earnestly of its contents, shaking and unfolding every article singly, and then carelessly and hastily throwing them down in hopelessness, without effecting the desired discovery. He then burst into a loud and melancholy lamentation, and in broken accents, apparently sobered by his loss, he in- formed us that his pocket book and cash were missing ; and what is unusual for a man, espe- cially a business man, found rehef in a flood of tears ! Without further explanation, he arose again suddenly, as though inspired with fresh 66 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF hope, and commenced a new search, turning out the contents of all his pockets, strewing the table with gloves, neckcloth, a pocket handkerchief, pencil case, pocket knife, a silk purse which seemed to contain a few sovereigns, a few shillings in silver, and coppers probably received at the various tolls, with the many other items which constitute a traveller's goods and chattels. The re-search, however, was fruitless. Then, seeming to challenge his me- mory to find some other secret recess in which possibly he might have deposited his book — his brow overcast — despair depicted in his countenance — he passed his hand through his hair, and rested it upon his clammy forehead, when, all at once, his features were illumined, and there appeared to cross his mind a ray of hope, vivid as lightning. Anxiously unstrap- ping his hat box, nervous and excited, his hand tremulous, his whole frame agitated by the commingled feelings of hope and fear, he hastily turned out the contents ; but, alas ! it w^as not there. Without uttering a word — ringing or causing to be rung every bell — the waiting maid, boots, ostler, host and hostess, were all put into requisition ; the chaise was re-loaded, the horse hastily put to ; and, whither he went, or how or whether he ever recovered possession of his lost property, from that day to this I A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 67 have never heard. Certain it is, I and those present with me never saw a being in so painful a dilemma — one who appeared to feel more in- tensely his unfortunate position — or who so much excited our sympathy and commise- ration. A WET DINNER PARTY. To-day I have witnessed a scene of novelty in the commercial room; viz., a wet dinner party. When I say novelty, I mean to intimate that excesses at the commercial table, at the present day, are as unusual as they were within my re- collection frequent. Abstinence and moderation indeed, are now the predominant features there. Despatch, with a calculation of how short, and not how long a period it will take to consume a dinner in, is now the order of the day. A given hour is usually declared by the host, or named by his guests, for dining ; and, after partaking of a good substantial provision, with the stipulated pint of wine, business is resumed with a vigour and alacrity peculiar to the com- mercial character. Where there may happen to be a deviation from this rule, as upon the 68 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF present occasion, the group ordinarily consists of triflers, novices, and men rather green — or those who are careless about occupying a posi- tion of honour or respectability : men whom you may meet a few times, but who are very unlikely to continue long upon the road ; men whose bearing is haughty, insolent, frivolous, and gay ; who are dear lovers of good living, plenty of wine, very little work, a glittering exterior, and having something smart to say. They are capital trenchermen, but shocking bad carvers. They who are accustomed to the road, in bygone days, have had often presented to their notice — and can consequently well imagine — a similar nice picked assembly of — I was about to say young, but not all particularly young, or recently fledged — ambassadors, who, from some freemasonry, similarity of taste, love of companionship, or rather, love of the bottle, are resolved to have what they classically, and beautifully denominate, a regular jollification. Watch them, as I have watched them, duly dressed and scented for the occasion, im- patiently w^aiting and grouping at the window as an object of attraction passes, lounging for the approach of some more frivolous mo- mentary absentee, snuffing up the savoury fumes cf the still uncovered smoking viands, A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER, 69 and then witness the onslaught. " Mangling done here" ought to be reiterated in the ears, and chalked legibh^ upon the backs of the august functionary and his sub. Look at the characters of the motley group, and say whether it is possible to conjecture, at its com- mencement, what that circle is likely to become before the table is deserted. Murmuring and dissatisfaction, although the table groans with excellent provision, are mani- fested by the majority, at either the quality or description. " This is not sufficiently done," or " that is too much so ;" " these I don't like," and " those I never eat ;" scolding and grumbling incessantly at the waiter — sending out messages (which, by-the-way, are never delivered) to the landlord and cook ; discon- tented with everything, but nevertheless par- taking more or less of every dish ; noisily prating ; pledging and nodding to each other, while titilating their palates with any quantity of white wine (finishing w^ith a settler in the shape of a squib of brandy) till the usual quan- tum has been consumed ; and at last worked into a beautiful glow, elated and excited, amidst riotous laughter, the cloth is withdrawn. Then the table is replenished with a dessert, consist- ing, if not of the choicest, of a fair proportion of all seasonable fruits, and a wine probably 70 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF still more fruity. Palates are cleansed, lips are smacked, the nasal organ, and the only open optic, are summoned to give their decision upon the quality ; tasting and sipping, even " the least among them" anxious to be thought a judge, although modestly, but impatiently with- holding judgment for the moment till, good or bad, whichever may be the first announced (so much for the force of example !) gains at once the ascendancy. If the latter, which is almost certain to be the case, from a desire to appear wise upon the subject, the decision at once is final. Exchange is made (or professed to be made) ; bottle after bottle is consumed ; toast after toast is drunk ; and so they progress, hour after hour, drinking and toasting, speechifying and sentimentalizing, tickling each other's risi- bility, warming one another's backs, praising the ability, urbanity, suavity, and kind gentle- manly deportment of their president, fulsomely extolling each other's merits and virtues (if it can be supposed possible they possess either) ; declaring their delight at meeting with such a goodly set of jovial friends, anticipating the pleasure they shall derive (a circumstance by the way little likely to occur) of meeting each other again ; filling bumper after bumper to sentiment after sentiment, and doing double justice to the only one that, in the fulness of A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 7] their hearts, they are ever hkely fully to realize (" May this be the most unhappy moment of our lives !") spouting trash, or, if capable of giving utterance to a few tolerably connected sentences, they are, so far from manly, so asso- ciated with wantonness and interlarded with slang, as to offend the ears, and shock the senses of, an unwilling listener who may be compelled by the peculiar arrangement or con- stitution of the room to be occasionally an eye and ear witness. Indulging in personalities — clamorous and disorderly — talking incoherent nonsense — till, overcome by the jolly god, their conversation turns upon the subject — the last resource for weak heads and depraved hearts — of women ; and the servants at hotels, including waitresses, chambermaids, and a widely spread circle of females of their acquaintance, are in turn the theme of their remarks, and the object of their attacks. Character is impugned, and charges are made without the slightest founda- tion in truth. Indeed, they are lost to all pro- priety ; and, being licentious, libidinous, and uncontrollable themselves, they give no credit to the opposite sex, or to their own, for chastity of life or purity of intention. Thus they wallow on in filth and immorality, a little, and only a little above the brutes that perish. The object of their greatest adoration is the 72 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF horse they drive, and their proudest boast that they have driven the longest distance in the shortest time. In fact, the relative speed of their horses, the cost and splendour of their turn-out, the beauty and finish of their whips, the clothes they wear, the best inns and most hospitable landlords, where the best dinners are given and the best wines are kept, with the towns which stand highest in their estimation, and are the most celebrated for female beauty, are the all absorbing subjects of their eulogy and conversation. If ever they chance to deviate from this strain, it is only to descend to one equally con- temptible — that of indulging in tittle-tattle, gos- siping, scandal about individuals ; dilating too freely upon their customers, or making loose observations upon their compeers, till, with eyes glazed and sunk, and tongues faltering, still filling and drinking, hiccuping and clip- ping the Queen's English, the majority become incapable of taking care of themselves, and are consequently entrusted to the safe keeping of the chambermaid and boots ; while those yet able roam in pursuit of still further oppor- tunities of indulging their depraved inclinations and gratifying their vicious desires. Yes, thus men, some of whom have ability to rise to the very first position, by the prac- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 73 tice of prudence and industry, are, from an on- ward career in indolence and vice, and a deter- mination to pervert their talents, waste their time, neglect their duty, sacrifice their health, and stupify their reason, to annihilate the re- spectability of their profession, and destroy the long cherished hopes of a patron or a parent. THE MISERIES OF CASUAL HORSE-HIRING. Netvcastle, December, 1843. — Safe returned, once more, thank Providence, to comfortable quarters and decent society, after a day's fa- tigue, mortification, and disappointment. But who, that has been long accustomed to the road, has not met occasionally with similar obstruc- tions to his comfort ? For the purpose of seeing one man, fifteen miles distant in the county of Chester, I, to ease my horse and save the springs of my own chaise over a much worn, rutty, ill- paved road — a description of road by which this country is distinguished — hired a vehicle and a Jehu. Twice have I been wet through, with- out the means of procuring a requisite change ; and thrice have I incurred the risk of getting my neck broken, through the stumbling of the dung-hill bred, spavined, wind-galled, broken- E 74 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF kneed horse, all skin and grief, nothing but a hag of bones ; and a gig in perfect, or rather imperfect keeping, and as much a skeleton as the animal, without an apron, or a mat, and as rickety as a gocart ; the springs every mo- ment, from over use and over weighting, allow- ing the body to come in contact with the axle ; and the wheels so out of condition, as to cause one tire to fly off, almost electrifying us in its escape, and subjecting us, on a w^et day, to the pleasure of walking two miles lest the spokes and felloes should give way beneath us, to reach wdiat my driver technically termed " a smithy," or blacksmith's shop. One hour, however, sufficed for the repair, during which time the rain fell copiously, and the lining and' cushions became, from exposure, saturated wdth wet, rendering the seat uncomfortable, to say nothing of unhealthy. On again I w^ent, the horse still stumbling ; the clicking of his shoes from weakness, and the chattering of the steps and screw^s of the conveyance from loose- i ness, adding music to my misery till I reached my destination ; when, lo, as misfortunes seldom come singly, my client w^as from home, but ex- pected to return about mid-day. With toler- able patience I waited till the day brought, as usual, in its course, mid-day, afternoon, evening, and night, but not my customer. Chagrined A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 75 at the disappointment it may readily be ima- gined I should be ; but, in addition to the misery I suffered of pacing up and down a sanded floor, in an uncomfortable inn (the best, however, in the place) with wretched provision and nothing but Betts's best, a turpentiny gin, and beer, both meat and drink, to quench my thirst with, I had not a soul to speak to. With my upper coat still on — hourly anticipating a release — unwilling to sit down — mortified at losing time — after all I was compelled, having a hired horse and man, to return from whence I came, minus business, temper, health, and finances. And then I found my guide or driver drunk, and incapable of managing him- self, much less the blundering crazy animal and trap. Consequently, after a three hours' pur- gatory, without lamps, over a bad road, on a dark night, with a brisk wind, and heavy rain, and having two unmanageable creatures, a biped and a quadruped, to endeavour to control and govern, I am truly thankful for a safe re- turn to my hotel. And I promise myself that, for the future, whatever the consequence may be when driving, I will never leave behind me my own conveyance; for, through parting with it and its comforts, I have repeatedly subjected myself to similar annoyance, and have by painful experience at last learned wisdom. e2 76 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF AN IMPRUDENT TRAVELLER. An unwise and incautious chain of observa^ tions were this day audibly poured forth before some half-dozen of us, by a hot-headed, irrita- ble north-countryman, against one of his cus- tomers with w^hom he appeared to have had some little difference or misunderstanding. Between the parties, so far as we could gather from this tirade, there did not appear to exist a very excellent feeling. Unbridling his lips, on violently the commiercial representative w^ent, uttering strange things, not only against his customer, but against one half of the shop- keepers in the kingdom ; thus betraying his want of prudence in the management of his clients, as well as of the ability to control and govern his tongue and his temper, and of cau- tiousness and circumspection respecting his words and conduct. At length, his continued vituperation called for some interference, and w^as checked by a gentleman, who sat writing, and w^ho felt much annoyed at the interruption, telling him that a still tongue indicated a wise head, and that each and all of us had sufficient difficulties of our own to grapple with without being plagued A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 11 with those of other people. It was what he might expect to meet with on the road, he added, and that before he could pretend to prescribe rules for others, he must endeavour to curb and regulate his own conduct. Evi- dently, he had yet much to learn respecting himself, and of the ways of men and the w^orld; and, ere long, he would perceive the necessity of substituting for his present offensive deport- ment to men of business, a quiet persuasiveness of manner. He must acquire a knowledge of their peculiar temperaments and dispositions, without which he never would succeed, either to his own comfort or the satisfaction of his employers. In fact, he must learn to be " all things to all men," an end to be attained with- out any sacrifice of self-respect. A versatility of manner is more essential to a commercial traveller than in any other occupation ; for endless are the predominant inclinations, tem- pers, peculiarities, and political and religious biases, of the ever-changing characters with which he hourly comes in contact, and which he must make it his continual study to accom- modate ; bending himself to agree for the moment to their position, not in a cringing and subservient manner, but complacently yielding, without contradiction, to the opinions of all, vet without the sacrifice of his own. 78 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF This is, and always has been, the aim of the most respected among our body, and invariably leads to the most successful and profitable results. There is nothing reprehensible or condemnatory in endeavouring to gain the good-will and esteem of our friends by adopting as it were for a time the views of those with whom it is our interest to stand well ; especially bearing in mind, that it is not our intention to dissemble, to put on false appearances, to abuse the trust for the time reposed in us, or by any overt act of indiscretion to break a confidence when it is expected to be fully established. MR. SAVEALL— A PRAISEWORTHY TEMPERANCE MAN. ^^sf^^u^^ Sunderland, May, 1845. — To do justice to the peculiar character of Mr. Saveall Diegood, the abstainer from and collector of wine here, and to record the many excellent and valuable traits which are daily exhibited by him, will tax both my memory and ability ; and, as Addison says, I know the compliment I pay him will be offer- ing a kind of violence to one who is as anxious A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 79 to shun applause as he is assiduous to deserve it. I will nevertheless endeavour to do him all the justice in my power. How unfortunate it is, that we too often, from inability to shake off the customs and habitual practices of the road, are apt to imagine that any man who moves out of the usual course ought to become, if not an object of our displeasure at least the object of our disregard ; and, without taking into considera- tion the motive which may induce a deviation, we hastily condemn that which, when we be- come better acquainted with its cause, we can rightly appreciate and applaud. The party before us claims an exemption from the ordinary routine of commercial usages ; but I think that an acquaintance with the reasons which induce abstinence from wine, spirits, and indeed any fermented beverage, will not only excuse him from complying with custom, but render him still more acceptable to society, in the twofold character of philoso- pher and philanthropist. Diegood has now, for some years, resisted all opposition, from within and without, in his determination to be a water-drinker ; and with this determination, what man has any right to interfere ? His ill-health, I believe, originally necessitated occasional abstinence ; when, find- 80 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF ing himself in a measure restored by modera- tion, he ultimately resolved upon total ahsti- nence ; and his usual quiet deportment, and inoffensive gentlemanly bearing, entitle him to respect, in defiance of his inviolable rule of having his wine, either when dining alone or at the regular ordinary, brought to him in a sepa- rate decanter. And this he immediately, with- out tasting, transmits to its regular receptacle, a bottle enveloped in leather. With him there is no shirking the question — no evasion of ex- penditure — no attempt to conceal, but an open declared resolution to have what he wants — abstain from what he pleases — pay for what he has — and do with it what he likes. Such a straightforward course of procedure is indeed far more manly and respectable than the sly attempt to evade expense evinced by your mean, penurious, "Box-Harry man," for no- body suffers by his peculiarity. The landlord is remunerated ; and who else can have any right to complain ? And what he really does with his wine is worthy of praise and commendation; for he not unfrequently in addition to the trouble in stowing and carrying incurs an ex- pense in its conveyance to some really necessi- tous languishing object, miles distant from the spot where it may have been collected, restoring to health and strength the all but sacrificed hfe A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 81 of probably the prop of a family, or the truly necessitous, who but for his timely medicine, the obtaining of which penury might have prevented, would probably, from exhaustion and debility, have paid the debt of nature. The great good effected by his excellent ex- ample of abstinence and economy would, if disciples could be found to follow in his wake, do more to render the burdens of life tolerable by those who are otherwise incapable of bearing them, than all that the cant and hypocrisy, without aid, of the thousand and one sectarians who rack society with their tenets, uncharitable even to each other, could accomplish in an age. He is indeed one of the brightest ornaments the Established Church can number among its laity ; for, in him, pure benevolence and disinterested- ness go hand in hand with unostentatious piety. There is no vain show in his acts or inten- tions ; but, quietly doing good, while plodding his devious way, he is a pattern for propriety and industry, and stands alone to carry out a prin- ciple which, from the constitution of the road, can never find many adherents, but which does great credit to his unshrinking determination and steady perseverance. E 3 82 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF PLEASING REMINISCENCES OF EASTERN AND WESTERN COUNTIES' JOURNEYS. July. — I am now within a day or two of home, concluding a six weeks' successful East- ern Counties' journey, having enjoyed myself in good health and happiness throughout ; and I am still joyous in the anticipation of increased happiness on my return, from the possession of a knowledge, by this day's post, that all there, near and dear by ties indissoluble, are well and happy as I could wish or desire. When I reflect upon the many comforts, enjoyments, and pleasing incidents of these journeys, I am not inclined to think ill either of my occupation, with its many drawbacks and various deprivations, or of the hardness of my lot when compared with the continued oc- cupant of one location, and the monotonous- ness of a life continually at home, surrounded by the same objects, and subject to the same duties. No ! a life spent perpetually at home, without the advantage of such a knowledge of the world as travelling can only accurately im- part, is after all not life ; for the self-importance and contracted notions of a man who never leaves, but reigns the monarch of his own house, I A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 83 big with individual authority and consequence — imagining himself superior to all the world — is soon brought to a proper level by mingling with society beyond the confines of his own influence, where, by collision and comparison, he will be made at once to feel and acknowledge his inferiority, littleness, and subordination. He will speedily And that he is, amongst the mass, an atom, surrounded by individuals with capacities more extensive, talents more brilliant and commanding, address more refined, a posi- tion more exalted, attendants more numerous, an equipage superior, homes more elegant, and wealth more vast ; and he will thus arrive at the knowledge of his own comparative non- importance and insignificance, and feel that he is certainly a wiser if not a better man. He will have an opportunity, also, of discerning and judging aright the various everywhere-pre- sented existences of novelty and originality, which will enable him to reach conclusions, accurate and decisive, regarding all that consti- tutes error and truth, perfection and imperfec- tion, with the concatenation of circumstances and events, cause and effect, and though last not least, men and manners. That a life at home, the centre of a circle of friends whose actions and motives you can comprehend and esteem, is highly satisfactory 84 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF and delightful, no one will presume to deny ; but that occasional absence cements, binds to- gether, and renders more consolidated, friend- ship so affectionate and sincere, is a truth equally beyond the possibility of refutation. He, indeed, who is unacquainted with mankind beyond the limited opportunity afforded by a prescribed boundary, and an incessant daily routine, has yet much to learn, or not learning, will miss many an important advantage. While considering the settled life and daily occupation of those who enjoy home without intermission, I may here not inaptly introduce the determination to mingle business with plea- sure, manifested by the wise men of the east, wdiere, for nearly two- thirds of the year, re- gardless of caste or superiority, the man of independent fortune, professional men, the man of business, and indeed all men of all grades, without squabble or bickering, with a respect- ability of deportment, meet to enjoy their exhila- rating, health-inspiring, gentlemanly game of bowls, upon greens level as carpets, surrounded by shrubs, flowers, and evergreens — perfect ely slums. These are the men who enjoy life, and yet progress to quiet independence as cer- tainly as the more anxious, bustling, populous Northern District men, who never have an hour to call their own. Business, indeed, is never A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 85 neglected, but the time is judiciously disposed, and opportunity is consequently afforded to in- dulge innocently in their many recreations and diversions. And my memory will oft recur, with pleasure, to the excursions by water — evenings pleasantly passed over in the society of liberal and open-minded cits — the galivant- ings to Thorp and Whittlingham — the Yar- mouth jetty promenadings, the punch atRiffley's famous spring — the beauties of Norfolk and Suffolk, not omitting the Belle of Bury — the sumptuous breakfasting off prawns and shrimps, potted and fresh — strawberries and cream — with viands innumerable, seasonable and other- wise. And then again the magnificent dinners, the splendid wines, the continuous number of hospitable hosts, all so alike anxious to promote the interests and comforts of their supporters, that I cannot, from their general excellence, single out one. The delicious desserts — the comfortable and friendly position of customers — the honest sing-song simplicity of their dialect — and indeed a thousand other objects, rush upon my memory, enabling me to dwell with retrospective pleasure and delight upon this my old eastern journey. These remarks are applicable not only to the East, but with equal truth to the West of Eng- land ; for provisions more bountiful or homes 86 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF more hospitable are no where to be found than at the principal hoteis which hne the Western ground. Nature, too, has added, and that con- siderably, to the unanimity, enjoyment, and happiness of ambassadors down West — as bj'other Jonathan w^ould say — from the almost peninsular and strait-like formation of the ex- treme Western counties, and the consequent necessity of travelling by nearly the same route ; working their journey up and down, town by town, day by day, and almost inn by inn toge- ther ; forming a social circle nightly — creating, from frequent association, mutual sympathies — and making one-another so wxll acquainted with their respective movements, inclinations, and temperaments, as to produce a more friendly recognition, and more kindly feeling than can by any possibility exist between those who meet less frequently, and are not bound by the same ties of brotherhood. They are as well known and recognized, indeed, from successive years' perambulation, as belonging to such and such a house, or from such and such a town, as men in other districts are strange to one another, not even acquainted with their names, and certainly knowing nothing of their house, or home, or general whereabouts. The West is prolific also in little delicacies and ticklers of the palate, to a much greater ex- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 87 tent than any other division of the kingdom. Who, indeed, that ever enjoyed, can forget red mullet and pilchard — woodcock and snipe — cream clouted, and society cemented, as they have for ages been enjoyed by West country tra- vellers ! No, this is certainly the elysium of the Road. If the roads themselves are not quite so smooth and agreeable as might be wished, the hilly condition of the highways forms in truth almost the only drawback to the happiness of its busy, perambulating, "cosmopolitish" way- farers ; and whether jogging primitively upon the saddle, quietly in the old, cosy, high-backed, easy, well-poised Stanhope, or ostentatiously in a modern four-wheeled drag, it is and ever has been, the fate of each, and all, to bear visibly emblazoned — not upon an escutcheon, but upon their horses' knees — the Devon and Cornish coat of arms. Since the honours are toler- ably well divided, liowever, it is borne with re- signation, and submitted to by — I was going to say Christian, but at all events by commercial — fortitude ; and they who have travelled long have — or in their day have had — occasion for a stock of that commodity. But there is sufficient in the West to com- pensate for all this ; and its bracing air, bold but beautiful, and ever varying scenery — by sea and by land — including St. Michael's 88 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF Mount, the Logan stone, and Land's End — Plymouth, with its fortified citadel, and hoe, sound, and breakwater, homoaze and catwater, having within her haven during times of peace England's glorious wooden walls, our country's pride and boast, a terror to her enemies ; — the Eddystone and its lighthouse — Torquay and its invigorating southern salubrity — Weymouth and its esplanade (not forgetting Mrs. Luce's sea) — Exeter and its Cathedral — the Dockyards of Portsmouth and Devonport — and indeed all Devonshire, with its many picturesque spots and undulating hills, beautifully and appropri- ately denominated England's Garden — the round " how he yeau" salutation of its homely, cider-drinking residents — and the captivating smiles of its ruddy, plump, and playful dark eyed damsels — all have an enchantment, that long lines of chimneys, smoky, densely crowded towns, and the pushing, restless, go-a-head spirit of the northern or manufacturing district man, are utterly without. Business is the primary object of west country representations, however, as fully as it is those of the north, and is carried on quite as profitably as, though much more quietly than, in districts of larger population and consump- tion, where the competition is less ; conse- quently, men, from being upon the very best A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 89 footing with their clients, have an opportunity, after discharging their legitimate duty — from the almost utter impossibility of increasing their connection or the consumption — for relaxation and enjoyment, and a felicitous admixture of pleasure with business. CONTEMPTIBLE CHARxlCTER OF AGED AGGRESSORS. The presence of elderly persons in ordinary society has no small influence over the minds and conduct of those who are less advanced in life; and by the tenor of their conversation and be- haviour are generally regulated the bearing and tendency of those who look up to and, in a measure, feel justified — or at least excused — in copying and carrying out all that is exhibited by seniors and fathers, whether it be for good or evil. From this inherent determination to copy, by the inexperienced, the necessity for re- fraining from all that would contaminate must at once be obvious to all well-regulated minds ; yet, strange to say — and I dare not conceal the humiliating affirmation — there are men — yes, 90 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF and I will not hesitate to say, old men — to be found in the commercial world (though, thank heaven, they are now^ very thinly strewn) to whom vice is pleasing, and debauchery an en- tertainment ; men who seem to delight in the evil influence of their corrupt and pernicious example, or who at all events are constantly endeavouring, by loose unguarded expressions and a grossness of demeanour, to exhibit a moral depravity highly culpable ; men who in- dulge in ribaldry beyond all endurance, and whose libidinous inclination, and obscenity of conversation, are repulsive and abhorrent. And to this is usually superadded a positive, surly, peevish bearing, and moroseness of ex- pression to servants, much to be deprecated, and a liberty with strangers altogether un- warrantable. A man who so far commits himself as to in- cessantly exhibit such conduct, and es23ecially be- fore young men whose characters are unformed, sets vicious examples the effects of which are not easily to be eradicated ; for all must ac- knowledge that the propensity to imitation is strong, the power of evil example great and contagious ; and from the established fact that vice is more pleasing to the human heart, and more in accordance with the bent of the in- clination, than virtue; and that juniors are of A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 91 themselves too willing to follow after evil, the greater necessity exists for correctness and purity of deportment in elders. The latitudinarian conversation and wanton- ness of life of some few seniors unfortunately exercise a malignant influence over the less experienced ; and the turpitude of their con- duct has in a very serious degree contributed to the depreciation of their order. They would shudder at the baneful effects of their example if, but for one hour only, they could be brought to feel the awful responsibility of a parent. The demorahsing tendency of such exhibition is incalculable, and wholly without excuse. Nor will it bear reflection in comparison with the satisfaction which a man enjoys whose mind and manners are pure. I cannot comprehend how the man of depravity is constituted. If he can dare to reflect, his conscience must woefully reproach him. He whose conscience does not thus testify must have fallen low indeed ; for to be thus guilty, and yet insensible to the nature and degree of his guilt, and of its effects, is to have sunk to a state almost too de- plorable for contemplation. But " as the twig is bent so is the tree inclined, and as is the tree so is its fruit "; for had the mind originally inclined towards virtue such grossness would have been almost, in the ordinary state of 92 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF things, impossible ; but it has so grown with the growth, and increased with the years of the unfortunate being, that it has become too deeply rooted to be torn up ; and while the faculties naturally decay the evil desires and depravity of the individual increase. Without the power to sin to an equal extent as formerly, the original willingness remains. All this is infinitely disgraceful to reason, disgusting to society, and enormously wicked ; and, although almost incredible, it exists too glaringly to be disputed ; deserving, as it receives, the censure and condemnation of the orderly and correct, and demanding at once a salutary check, and a determined expulsion from our order. A HUMOROUS ODDITY— SAMBO BOOKWORM. Spent a few very pleasant hours with Book- worm, once the advocate of Socialism, and much he amused and delighted us. 1 think that, as a character, this man stands more prominently forward than any it ever fell to my lot to meet with. Indeed I know of no one who has played so many parts on the stage of A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 93 life, throwing into each so much of truth and nature as to render it a complete and perfect whole. Early as his thirteenth year, our hero gave evidence of a peculiarly restless if not energetic mind, by forsaking his home and " the harbour in whose arms his little bark had from his birth reposed in safety," to combat, as understrapper, with the hardships of a sailor on board a mer- chant vessel. Sated, however, with the same- ness of a seafaring life, and having grown to man's stature without man's years or discretion, he entered — preferring the scarlet coat to the blue — a regiment of infantry ; but soon grow- ing tired of the rigorous treatment and mono- tonous life of a soldier, he threatened desertion, and was twice bought off, but to no purpose. At length, after having contented himself for a short time — adding a little more to his height, and still more largely to his pretensions — he entered, with the consent of his commanding officer, and a further draught upon the paternal purse strings, a regiment of cavalry. Time rolled on; and, never satisfied, ever seeking change, young Sambo felt anxious for a new career. An opportunity soon offered, and he w^as released, through the intercession of power- ful friends, without much expense. Having forsaken the trident of Neptune and 94 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF the honours of war, he commenced a commer- cial Ufe, and has ever since, with only trifling interruptions, but through many changes of mind and body, pursued an onward course as a man of business and prop of commerce. For years I have been accustomed to meet this man in various characters, but never in one which rendered him either to myself or others an object of disapprobation. Never, througli all his changing scenes, especially those arising; from the absurd tenets of the once popular Robert Owen,^ has he thrust upon society his various and varying opinions, but generally, from his inclination to afford infor- mation and instruction, he has had elicited from him the notions, religious, political, and com- mercial, which for the time being he has enter- tained, to the no small amusement and gratifi- cation of those by whom he might happen to be surrounded. He is always humorous, never common-place ; he dehghts in a hearty but not practical joke ; and usually, to enliven the long winter evenings, he produces a social feeling by * The fall of this man was strikingly illustrated at the election of members of Parliament for the borough of St. Marylebone, in the summer of 1847. He had come from America expressly for the purpose of offering himself as a candidate for the representation of that borough ; and he actually polled four votes ! A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER, 95 performing admirably upon one of the best toned accordions (presented to him by a few commercial friends, as a token of esteem,) I have ever hstened to. His vocal efforts, too, especially his comics and Niggerisms, are inimi- table ; and, although he never forces them upon your time or attention, he readily and cheerfully complies with your wish upon a first solicitation. For years Master Bookworm has had the moral courage to establish principles of action — peculiarly his own, too — and for a time, to carry them out, to the astonishment of every- body. He has successively professed — and, I beheve, with perfect sincerity — Methodism, Quakerism, Owenism, and every other ism, often changing his religion, yet, I apprehend, without religion ever having changed him. Throughout, he has maintained a degree of consistency, stamping him as the possessor of a powerful mind though somewhat impaired by caprice and a desire for change — or rather by an anxiety to read and study life in all its various phases. For years, animal food never entered his lips : a set period also was allotted for abstinence from alcohol ; and, after seasons of changing inclinations, running from one extreme to^ another, he appears at last to have hit the 96 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF happy medium ; refraining from or enjoying daily as he pleases, using and not abusing, and exercising the most noble attribute man enjoys at the hand of his Creator. Poetry of no mean order has issued from his pen. Books of merit, especially in old black letter, ever hold a place in his esteem, and usually find one in his chaise ; and the fine arts have in him an admirable judge, and, so far as his means will permit, a warm and hearty supporter. May I long meet him, and may his untiring industry meet with its re-Ward, NECESSITY AND ADVANTAGE OF LIFE ASSURANCE. An unusual number of letters waiting my arrival, at the Post Office and at the bar of the hotel ; two amongst them particularly calcu- lated to produce the opposite and extreme sensations of dejection and felicity : depression, arising from the announcement of the sudden departure from this world of an old, respected, and esteemed friend ; and happiness and satis- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 97 faction, from receiving the acknowledgment from the National Mercantile Assurance Office, of my annual renewal of the policy upon my hfe. From a knowledge of the affairs and position of the bereaved widow and family of my deceased friend, I never, perhaps, had been so deeply impressed by a sense of the worth of an insurance upon life ; and I bless the day in which I was induced, and revere the man who induced me, to adopt so wise, salutary, and efficient a means for making a provision for my survivors without materially affecting our pre- sent financial position, or interfering with our ordinary comforts. To secure, although trifling in amount, a something independent of the casualties incident to the life of a commercial traveller, who, in common with his ten thousand compeers, is subject to a daily risk of health and strength, from causes numberless, was one of the wisest steps I ever took. And thus, by a slight sacrifice, impoverishing neither mind nor body, men may be enabled to possess them- selves of an estate, in addition to their patri- monial or acquired property, that will suffer them to leave the world in peace, with their own heart-felt approval and the blessing of their survivors. Instances innumerable, similar to that w^iich I this day became acquainted with, might be 98 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF readily adduced, to show the deplorable con- sequences which, for w^ant of insurance nj3on life, follow the sudden, unexpected, and un- provided for departure to another world. Journey after journey had this desideratum ex- perienced, by my comparatively young friend, a postponement, although it had evidently been his intention to accomplish the important object. At length, our common enemy came, and in an evil hour deprived him of exist- ence, and his family of their only hope and means of future support. Unfortunately, the system of life insurance is not sufficiently understood to enjoy a patron- age so extensive as it deserves, and as it would experience, w ere it more judiciously advocated and explained. Many are the obstacles it has to encounter, more from its principles and modes of working not being generally com- prehended, than from any inaccuracy of its system ; for all respectable offices have so arranged their tables of premiums, and based their advantages upon fair and unerring calcu- lations of the value of money and the mortality of man, as to secure a certain advantage to themselves after covering the expense in the conduct of their business. The profits are then periodically allotted by way of a bonus, either to be added to the amount of the policy or A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 99 deducted from the annual payment, not sub- jecting the assured to loss during life, or litiga- tion or annoyance to survivors in the event of death, except through error or inadvertency ; but, on the contrary, protecting the holder from all forfeiture, except when actual fraud may have been intended, rendering it at once the most enlightened and benevolent system of self-interest ever adopted. Moreover, it im- parts, under full guarantee, all the advantages to the assured, and is productive of the greatest amount of good ever aimed at by any science or forethought of man. Professor De Morgan, who has devoted a lifetime to the subject of life assurance, says that "it is in fact, in a limited sense and practicable method, the agreement of a community to consider the goods of its individual members as common. It is an agreement that those whose fortune it shall be to have more than average success, shall resign the overplus in favour of those who have less. The certainty is the only thing bar- gained for. Trade and speculation might have realized greater results ; trade and speculation might have realized ruin ! The man who is dependent upon his daily exertions for the sup- port of his family, must feel that the comfort of his own family is dependent for its continu- ance upon his continued existence. Existence F 2 100 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF itself no society can guarantee — life insurance guarantees its average objects. As society is formed, the father feels that it is the duty of religion, as well as of feeling, to use every proper means for the happiness of his family when he himself shall be removed from them. He knows that to-morrow, that even to-day is not his ; and though he may be content in his own mind that to-morrow for himself may take care of itself, he desires also that the to-morrow of his children may not be dependent for its sunshine upon his. He mistrusts not Provi- dence, for he knows that Providence is guided by certain and irrefragable laws, and he deems it no irreligion to study those laws that he may learn the future from the present and the past. It is not in a general treatise of this nature fitting or expedient to dwell too long upon the fundamental principles on which are grounded all the results of life assurance — the certainty and constancy of the natural laws. But, so far from irrelevant, it is necessary that we consider them, at least in their bearing upon the duration and probable existence of human life. Yet, strange to say, there are men to be met with, who have gone so far as to doubt the compatibilities of such provision for the future, with a true religious dependence upon Provi- dence. And, ' take no heed for the things of A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 101 /to-morrow, but let to-morrow provide for the things of itself, is quoted as a rule against such mistrust of the Divine goodness. As long, however, as man possesses reason, he must reason from cause to effect, from the past to the future ; and that only is a distrust of Providence which distrusts the blessing of Providence on the efforts which experience and reason have shown to be adapted to the end in view^" How far these observations are sound, prac- tical, and true, I leave to the decision of others ; to my own mind they are perfectly conclusive, for there really is no better guarantee for security of property to the survivors of the receiver of an annual salary, especially to the married commercial traveller, than life assu- rance. By a sudden and unexpected interpo- sition of Providence, the liability to which he is more exposed than other men, he may at once be w^ithdrawn from the scene of his labours, when, not having made this provision for his successors, he will die self- condemned and miserable, dooming his posterity to hardships which, in life, he would have shuddered to con- template, and which an assurance upon his life would have warded off and prevented. 102 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF FORCE OF HABIT— A RETIRED TRAVELLER. Worcester. — I have this day had the pleasure of dining with a veteran, once a member of our body, who having long since retired from busi- ness has taken a tour to see his old commer- cial friends and few surviving customers. In a great measure, though perhaps unconsciously, his object in this was to relieve the monoto- nousness of a life of seclusion, ill suited to his long established habits as a wanderer in pursuit of trade ; and he could not refrain from mourn- ing over the loss, from causes various, of a host of his old associates, the participators of the labours and merriment of his early career — its meridian solace and enjoyment. What a creature of habit man becomes, by continued association with one object, occupa- tion, profession, or routine, I have by this in- terview been more fully convinced than ever ; for my companion, whose early industry and frugality Providence has blest by putting him in possession of a competency enabling him to spend his latter days in plenty, has a bachelor's home, with all its comforts ; and this, it might be imagined, would induce a retirement from scenes of activity and bustle, in a man so far A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 103 advanced in life. But, no ; absence from home eleven months out of twelve, during a period of nearly forty years, has made him when there almost a stranger ; or, at all events, it has allowed him to acquire, while there, but few associates, if any, whom he can call friends. Some way or other, home associates, whom a commercial man meets for a period so very brief, as the few days which occasionally inter- vene between long journeys, either are not so sincere, or from the brevity of the visit, are unable rather than unwilling, to excite or cement a friendship, so cordial and unalloyed as frequently exists amongst the periodical and frequent partakers of the same mess — drivers together over the same stage—participators of the same hilarity, fortune, and misfortune — which fall to the lot of commercial men, who for years appropriate to themselves the same district. Habit, consequently, even now, at the age of seventy (for age has not diminished his desire for the perpetuation of early imbibed practices, or withered his inclination to participate in his old enjoyments) tempts him to leave, during the greater portion of the year, his quiet com- fortable home, and pursue, almost town by town, mechanically, his old accustomed jour- ney, with no other object than awakening in 104 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF his mind reminiscences of by-gone pleasure — meeting occasionally, but at intervals few and far between, a contemporary with whom to rake up recollections of the past, or to shake by the hand, and greet right heartily, the off- spring and successors of his old departed res- pected business friends ; men who look up to him for advice, and upon him as a patriarch of the good old days of ancient, prosperous, plod- ding, honourable commerce, and feel them- selves bound to him by a hundred ties of disin- terested services and friendships, and love him, not only for the crowns and half crow ns thrust unceremoniously and unostentatiously into their hands while minors, but because their fathers' masters and predecessors loved and revered him in times that have long since passed away. A BY-DAY, OR PROFITLESS ONE, CONSIDERED. Thursday. — A by-day, or profitless and un- successful one, yet, howsoever harassing, a description of day that will occasionally occur upon a journey. Never do I remember to have commenced a day under more favourable ap- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 105 pearances — were my plans better arranged — yet all have been frustrated ; all my best ener- gies defeated by a host of untoward circum- stances, uncontrollable, and vexatious in the extreme. And although I am aware how use- less it is to suffer myself to be disturbed l)y that which has happened to all my commercial brethren, at one time or other, and will happen again, it is difficult to reconcile our feelings to a failure of what we aimed at, especially after appearances had favoured the hope of accomplishment. But so are mortals doomed to disappointment. However, dejected, morti- fied, and worried as I feel, it is better to philo- sophize and weigh the journey as a whole, and not in parts. The success of to-morrow may, without calculation and without exertion, com- pensate for the annoyance of to-day. Fortune, ever fickle, even to her favourites, may give a happy turn to her wheel. Without these occa- sional dark spots upon our commercial sun, the pleasure derived from our pursuit would be materially lessened ; for we can arrive at a knowledge, and appreciate the value, of the sweets of life only by being made to taste, sometimes, of its bitters. It is useless to repine, having done my best, and I will therefore con- sole myself with the hope of a more auspicious future. Indeed, while I am even now harass- f3 106 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF ing mj^self through my want of success, my yesterday's letter has arrived at its destination, and my house is prohably quite satisfied with my well-doing. Let me, consequently, en- deavour to regain an equanimity of temper, and, in lieu of feeling ruffled at what I regard as a misfortune, strive to bear patiently the occurrence of circumstances over which I have had so little control ; taking " an additional small bottom " to keep up the spirits, and an extra cigar to blow away care. A GOOD COMPANIONABLE FELLOW. Men of every class, in all the various walks of life, although similarly engaged, differ mate- rially in their habits, practices, and manner of procedure ; each, perhaps, with equal ultimate success, although the means applied are varied and dissimilar ; their development of character exhibiting itself in an endless succession of forms to the ken of the observer. Thus, with the body of commercial travellers, you may see one man quietly plodding his undevious way — industriously discharging his various duties, without the least opportunity for relaxation — A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 107 always anxiously employed ; another, self- absorbed, ostentatiously exhibiting a false dignity and importance — apparently unoc- cupied — with time for anything and everything that offers for enjoyment — the constant visitor of the bar at his quarters, or carelessly strolling from one commercial inn to another in a town to seek for some equally frivolous, assuming, time-sacrificing "swell," with whom to " run the hazard of the die," or chances of the toss, for brandy and cigars, and to lounge away an hour ; and others, like the hero of my observation to- day, entering, with ease, alacrity, and apparent zeal, while employed, into all the requisite en- gagements of his avocation ; but still, in some points of view, a leisure-taker, devotedly fond of a broad grin, with a showy exterior and a superfious wordy delivery upon common-place subjects. His objects of affection are — a bottle, a "pal" — and the fair sex ; with a smile between that of wanton and assumed vivacity per- petually playing in his eye, a bouquet always in his button hole, and the heart}^ salutation of "Ah, ah, my dear fellow, how are you? " for every one he recognises, in a strain of sincerity not often surpassed, and an impress of no common order upon the hand. He is a great favourite with the ladies, too, and, although so much a lady's man, is a kind. 108 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF good-hearted, companionable associate for all ; a man who can without fastidiousness, almost upon a first acquaintance, throw back the front and collar of his coat and (to use his own choice expression) unbosom himself to any one. His songs are sentimental, his sayings are peculiarly his own, his dress is nice to a fault (if fault ought to be found, indeed, with a man in busi- ness who always dresses stylishly and well) and Providence has blessed him with tolerable symmetry, features, and whiskers. To all of these his man-milliner, perfumer, hatter, and his own good taste, have in no small degree contributed, producing at once the very heau ideal of a commercial beau. The accumulated store of knic-knacs, pledges of respect, pre- sented by his numerous admirers of both sexes, are valuable, and endless in variety, compre- hending everything useful and ornamental, from the stock or neck-cloth upwards, to the delicately wrought and showily arranged Berlin slippers downw^ards ; with every article in jew^ellery, including his massive pencil-case, snuff-box, and guard-chain ; not omitting even the embroidered pocket kerchief. The taste displaj^ed in his driving-box and dressing-case, indeed, with their endless stock of nicely arranged essentials and non-essentials for business, and the toilet, of which he never A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 109 boasts, and which he never (of course ostenta- tiously) displays, is captivating to the trifler, and feeds amazingly his vanity to exhibit. But as it does no harm, it is to be tolerated by those who know the man, and those who do not know him can gather sufficient from this sketch to arrive at the conclusion, that any one who is so hearty, inoffensive, and playful in his bearing and conduct, contented either to laugh with or be laughed at by others, is a more sound philosopher than the stern and rigid ob- server of this world's rules who passes through life unnoticed, scarcely cementing a single friendship, or receiving one solitary token of respect or esteem from his associates and compeers. DESCRIPTION OF USEFUL AND USELESS REPRESENTATIVES. February 24th, 1S45. — Reached the Globe hotel, Lynn, about seven o'clock in the even- ing, and found the commercial room occupied by several young men, very merry, and — I was about to add — also very groggy ; but 1 think if I say very noisy, very much excited, and cer- 110 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF tainly very green, I shall convey a tolerably accurate idea of the lot. They were mostly, if not altogether strangers to me, and evidently strangers also to the usages of the commercial room ; and I wondered at first what object houses which they had been sent to represent could have had in view, when they forwarded, to effect sales in these hazardous and trying times, young men clearly but ill qualified to discharge the important duties of commercial travellers. Could they have been sent, thought I, from economical motives, to supply the places of so many veterans who had for years toiled to establish, and who in these days of increased risk and competition were best able to keep together, a connexion ? I had my misgivings that this was really the case ; for w^e have too often seen that services rendered for years by men indefatigable in their industry during the prime of life have been slighted, neglected, and deserted, after the exer- cise of their best energies, and spending their best days in increasing toil, such as is rarely to be encountered out of the commercial world ; wearing the constitution, and destroying their vigour of body and mind ; generally enriching their employers, without being able to provide for those dependent upon them more than an ordinarily comfortable present existence. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. Ill My prayer for all such miserable economists is, that they may be compelled themselves to peregrinate in pursuit of trade ; and they will then well know how to appreciate the services of a zealous, and although little more expensive, old and valuable representative ; for few, indeed, are the houses now-a~days, whatever their wealth, standing, or respectability may be, that can as formerly command a connexion, journey after journey, certain of the continuance of the same names upon the order-sheet and ledger. No ! the case is materially altered ; for the exist- ing competition, and the cheapness of credit, and the facility afforded to wholesale and retail venders of both imported and manufactured goods, by published price-currents, the low charge of postage, &c., present a barrier against any house enjoying, as in the good old times, its fixed and settled connexion. The old, re- spected, regular journey- taking commercial traveller often finds a place in the esteem of the purchaser that no house of itself can occupy ; for the representatives are the actual means through which credit is immediately procured ; and consequently, generally speak- ing, the good will and kind feeling existing be- tween the buyer and representative are such as to cause a hearty welcome, and a dissemination of the best feeling that human nature is heir 112 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF to. And can it be wondered at, when we consider that by the aid of the representa- tives, and through their agency, men with a hmited capital obtain credit ? Using a wise discretionary power, possessing a judicious forethought, comparing character and circum- stances, commercial travellers lose no oppor- tunity of acquiring information. Houses best consult their interest by employing representa- tives upon whose judgment they can rely ; and salary can surely be of but trifling consi- deration, compared with a risk of property entrusted to inexperienced or injudicious hands. Many and worthy, however, are the honourable names I could enumerate of those who seldom interfere between client and traveller ; but, depending upon the prescience of the latter, rest satisfied of their ability, even in oppo- sition to the great book — a terror to evil doers, and credit to those who act well — usually de- nominated a " LEDGER." Men are allowed time, and put in possession of advantages that could never be conceded to them through any other channel, generally proving advantageous to the house, and always kindly remembered by them who have been ' served. To return, however, to creatures of another kind, who were to-night my associates ; and, A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 113 for the credit's sake of our body, I am happy to be able to say that I have since learned they were not all regular ambassadors, but with one or two exceptions warehouse-assistants sent down from town, during the flat season, to supply the places of men moving upon their regular journeys, with a view of enabling buyers for the great mart, now on, and which usually ^ lasts nearly three weeks, to re-assort themselves between the journeys. The time of business having passed over, these gay youths were giving way to the bent of their inclinations. Taking a seat usually appropriated to writing, in the corner near to the fire, opposite the door, progressing with ray correspondence, I had a fine opportunity of witnessing their manoeuvres. In and out they went, really like dogs in a fair ; let loose as it were from their trammels, surrounded by scenes of gaiety, they gave to each appetite too loose a rein, and be- came intoxicated with the pleasures of the hour. Being under no restraint — in possession of moneys — without check they indulged in every frivolity, till at last, overcome by the jolly god, their conversation became vague and indis- criminating, and their conduct indiscreet and reprehensible. However, deeming it to be no part of my duty to catechise or chastise men of whom I knew nothing, I left for my bed-room 114 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF at eleven o'clock to pen these remarks, they continuing to partake of the enjoyments of the mart apparently in their full fruition. A MODERN '' SWELL"— MR. FULLSHOW. How very unusual it is to meet — at least in the way of business — in these plain, straight- forward, busthng times, a being so apparently careless, yet conceited and consequential, as our present associate, young Mr. Fullshow ! Did mortal ever encounter so extraordinary a com- pound connected with commercial matters ? Observe his novel, studied style of dress, his gossamer of peculiar shape, his jew-ellery (for he is literally hung in chains^ and hooped with rings) his hauteur of deportment, and con- temptible bounce at his arrogantly supposed superiority of position. His extraordinarily contemptuous manner of speech, prolonging every sentence, and trebling every pause in conversation ; and his determination to swell, be authoritative to servants, and ride the high horse, proclaim him a latitudinarian in folly, infatuated with pride ; nay, a very laughing- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. J 15 stock, and indeed, anything and everything but a business man. Business, however, seems only a second or third rate consideration with him ; and a stranger might wonder who could have ventured, in such hazardous, strongly competing, inauspicious times, to entrust their property and connexion to hands so incompe- tent ; but the sequel would show — if the youth did not himself perpetually take the trouble of declaring — that he travelled for his "pa," or father ! Certainly no one else would have had the courage or confidence to have sent him out. And God help the sire of such a son ! It really is a treat, however, well worth en- joying, to see the insignificant animal allure and drag to the stable and coach-house some equally time-sacrificing, green, but astonished trifier, to admire the style, colour, symmetry, and perfection of his declared-to-be-perfect and valuable horse ; to hear him dilate upon the splendour and completeness of his new phaeton, or carriage, which has been constructed upon a principle peculiarly his own, and which he un- blushingly affirms is superior to anything upon the road; — to Hsten to his attempted eloquence, while exhibiting the cost, superiority, and ele- gance of his harness — his additional white reins and tandem traces in reserve — not for- getting to boast that it is all mounted with 116 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF solid silver ; and that the escutcheons on breast-strap, pad, and blinkers, are emblazoned with some heraldic bearing (as little understood, and as difficult to be described as the possessor) representing the family crest. Nor are the novel style and many-coloured glasses and reflectors of his lamps, the most modern and very last patented, passed over without display ; or, to crown all, his whip, the magnificence of its ivory handle and solid gold ferules, graven with the (I think not fewer than four or five) initials of his august Christian and surnames ; and a stock— such a stock as, from its singularity, costliness, &c. never grew before ! — and the lash or thong about five times the usual steady-going length, with a view of permitting him arrogantly to announce that he does occasionally (and I have no doubt of the fact) drive jauntily a tandem. I had nearly forgotten one item, though not the least in his estimation ; that which it is cer- tainly requisite he should possess to complete what he is pleased to denominate his "superior turn-out ;" viz., a dog, ay, a Dane, or spotted carriage dog, which is evidently useless for pro- tection, and as much a mere thing of show as its gaudy butterfly proprietor. All this display in a young man is pardon- able in a degree, and would hardly call for A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 117 censure or castigation if correctness of deport- ment and quietude of demeanour were its usual accompaniments ; but it is in this instance as well as a hundred others, by its continual ex- hibition and boasted superiority it forms part and parcel of a course of procedure wholly in opposition to business, more especially so when the exhibitor is a loosely conducted insignificant person, whose usual conversation (and he is perpetually talking) is lax and frivolous, linked with unmeaning terms and cant expressions — whose ideas and imagination have so much the ascendancy over his veracity — whose actions are associated with so much levity and irregu- larity — and who is so hourly and inexcusably forgetful of himself, and negligent of restraint, as to render him indeed highly objectionable and offensive. The boundless liberty he takes with the aged and venerable, unwarranted and unprovoked, stamp him in their estimation, and in that of all who are witnesses of his folly, as an arro- gant, rude, and impudent fop — as a contempti- ble coxcomb, requiring check and restraint. What business he does, indeed, or how or when he does it, Jove only knows ; for time always seems to hang heavily on his hands, and he is consequently — much to the annoyance of the man of business, who is anxious quietly to 118 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF despatch his writing — perjDetually strutting up and down the room, tapping at the window as the vision of a w^oman careless about her respectability passes by, giving vent to his usual light, airy, wanton discourse, and dissolute, licentious inchnation. If, however, his mental perception be not more dull than even we, with a know^ledge of all his faults, imagine, he will readily perceive the fidelity of this portrait ; and we trust that, in future he will, by a total absence of so much reprehensible puppyism and folly, en- deavour to atone for the past ; substituting, for his objectionable points, the actions and cha- racter of a man ; and thanking the author of this gentle but richly merited castigation for attempting to make him a better member of society, a wiser and happier man. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 119 ADVANTAGES OF LOCOMOTION FOR PERMIT- TING SUNDAYS TO BE SPENT AT HOME. Saturday Night. — Thanks to locomotion, here I am safely arrived, after a four hours' ride, at my own domicile, nearly a hundred miles distance from the termination of the scene of my labours for the week, at a cost very little exceeding the expense I should have incurred in remaining at an hotel, and attended (from the general engagement of parties on a Satur- day evening) with little or no loss of time. Railway proprietors generally would increase their finances, and make themselves deservedly popular, by emulating the spirit evinced by the Great Western and London and Birmingham Companies, who carry passengers with what they denominate a day-ticket, which extends, however, to a period of three days, viz., from Saturday to Monday, at one third less than the usual fare. Scores, or I may say hundreds of men indeed, who would otherwise content themselves at an inn, not adding a single shil- ling to railway receipts, are induced by this moderation of charge to avail themselves of the pleasurable opportunity offered of spending their Sundays at home, amongst friends, or with their wives and families, rendering the 120 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF treasury of the various lines far more produc- tive, and materially increasing the comfort of a large and influential class of men, who from the amount they expend not only in their own transit, but from the support they give to rail- way enterprise by the conveyance of goods of which they are the disposers, deserve their peculiar consideration. Few^ men, indeed, who have a home, or are bound by any tie of love or friendship, have the inchnation, when opportunity offers for the contrary, to remain the whole period of a two or three months' journey absent, when no fur- ther sacrifice is requisite than the insignificant fatigue incurred while sitting for a few hours during a rapid, easy, and comfortable railway transit. And the satisfaction which a man en- joys in seeing, know^ing, and feeling that " all's well" at his fire-side, with the pleasure and de- light derived from an association with home subjects, and a participation of home comforts, amply repays him for the trifling inconvenience and additional expense or fatigue. The general impulse, moreover, stamping him " a man" in the estimation of the world ; if single, warm- hearted and sincere ; if married, a husband or a father, and worthy of the honourable appel- lation. Can there be a doubt whether he feels a happier — and if he be a happier, a better — A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 121 man ; for there can be no true happiness that is not based in virtue. From a knowledge of the actual state of circumstances, whether of a healthy, comfortable, or adverse nature, his mind is tranquillised, and he goes forth to the world and the scene of his labours refreshed and dehghted with his visit. A POMPOUS UPSTART— MR. JUSTICE SHALLOW. Mr. Justice Shallow, but not Shakespear's ; no ! a " commercial justice," fretting his hour upon the road, exhibited himself this evening for our amusement. Did I say amusement ? Surely so exalted an individual, entertaining a high sense of propriety, of the laws of decorum, and of well-regulated society, knew better than to depreciate the character of his order, by making himself otherwise than acceptable, in the society of his business compeers. But, his commercial-room associates were not his com- peers — or he thought not. They might be repre- sentatives, and consequently beneath his notice ; but he, forsooth, was a principal — and such a principal ! and a magistrate — and such a magis- G 122 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF trate ! His important notions of self, indeed, since for political purposes elevated (by a Ministry notorious for their own incapacity) to the judicial bench, preclude all from his inti- macy and friendship who are not equally exalted; and they, from a knowledge of his origin, position, and capacity, look down upon him with scorn and disapproval, leaving him " alone in his glory " till he is solus as well as Solon ; or, as Richard says, " Brother ! he has no brother, is like no brother !" Imagine the necessity for " swell " in a character so important — a small manufacturer resident in one of the provinces, with a business too limited to enable him to employ and pay a representative — dividing his time between his shop, or warehouse (or house rather, as house is the usually accepted denomination of a business place), his magisterial duties, and the road, where his hauteur and ostentation render him at once offensive to others and uncomfort- able to himself. He is unable, nevertheless, to play his part correctly ; wanting — to begin with — an education suited to his newly attained lofty and honourable post, in which, not having been originally intended for such dignity, he murders poor Murray's and the Queen's English in as arbitrary and barbarous a manner as though invested with the administration of A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 123 Lynch as well as of common law. What a mockery of justice ! How unfit are such men to decide upon the destinies of their more un- fortunate brethren ! The mimic magistrate should, for once, be seen by his august ap- pointer, in the act of throwing hastily away his dirty cap and apron — putting on the authorita- tive hat, to sit in his counting-house in state for the occasion — putting his pompous interro- gations to the delinquent ! Would he not be shocked at the astounding absurdity of his nominee — at his utter and disgraceful unfitness for the high and important office to which he had been raised ? The commercial room, however, is no field for exhibitions of this nature. The hero soon meets with a merited check ; for there equality is the order of the day — quiet gentlemanly manners, and not bombast, are its essentials. No display is tolerated, except that it may pro- duce a broad grin ; and that, at the expense of the great man's attempt at the superlative, we enjoyed to-night to our heart's content. For Mr. Justice has so schooled his voice, for the purpose of rendering it different from that of other people, in ordinary conversation, as to embrace every intonation of sound, from the bass to the falsetto, bringing him to the lowest level of the ridiculous and contemptible. G 2 124 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF Shakespear has said, however, that, in his day, men " played such fantastic tricks before high Heaven, as made the angels weep''; and it may with equal truth be observed of this newly inaugurated magisterial wight, that he played such fantastic tricks before us men as made us laugh. I acknowledge that we committed our- selves in yielding to the risible propensity; and had he possessed the power, I have little doubt that we should have been hy him committed, for contempt of his authority. His customers deride his self-importance and swagger, and his fellows treat him with the contempt he merits ; for although some degree of credit is due to his perseverance, his flagrant presumption, without ability to back his pre- tensions, forms a drawback to his respectability, and renders it necessary that, either in his pub- lic or private capacity, he should meet with some check to reduce such a compound of arrogance and pride, with its usual associates, ignorance and folly, to a decent level in the eye of society. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 125 THE QUALITY OF AGREEABLENESS IN COM- MERCIAL MEN, AND ITS EFFECTS. I HAVE enjoyed to-day the society of one of the numerous class of commercial men who may with propriety be designated good, com- panionable fellows ; a man who has vivid recollections of " auld lang syne " — whose free- heartedness, kind open disposition, and sincere " John Anderson my Joe, John " (or I would, if I might take a liberty with Burns, say Jem) inclination have made lasting impressions upon those who have had the pleasure of his friend- ship. He has a heart brim- full of the veiy best intentions — a soul too lofty to descend to any- thing unmanly — a frontispiece the index of good humour and conviviality — and a constitu- tion of (the common phrase would be irori, but I say) steel, doubly refined. How cheering it is, as we " excursionise," to meet with such a sharer of our common lot — such a participator in our joys and sorrows ; to know that, although self reigns predominant in customer and innkeeper, servant and the mul- titude, a goodly number of social, frank, dis- interested souls can be reciprocal in their journeyings and business, and one in their 126 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF pleasures and attachments ; who, although deprived for a period of home and its delights, absent from the circle where mutual affections and fond greetings, with all that men hold dear and cherish, are spontaneous and unceasing, can yet, for the time being, be all the world to one another ; who can steal a half hour^s release from business and its cares, to reanimate and invigorate their otherwise often drooping spirits, and by a cheerful chat, hearty laugh, social cigar, and single glass, dispel the chagrin that would otherwise, from circumstances un- controllable, prey upon their spirits, and impart a new zest to their energy, and fresh courage for the events of the day. Yes ! these are the men who make the com- mercial world not only tolerable but desirable. This is the class who happily preponderate, binding one to the other by offices of kindness. Such is the companionability of the genuine members of the road ; and it not only reconciles but impels them to a life of roving. No duty, indeed, no society, has half so many attractions as their own ; and no man, long accustomed to a commercial life, can find employment or oc- cupation, or even leisure, that is half so satis- factory as his old accustomed business routine. Even home, with all its endearments and en- chantments, even his own fireside for a long A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER, 127 continuance, is not so much his home as the road. He is out of his province, and feels it to be necessary to his existence, to perambulate; yea, is as unhappy under a long confinement in any other sphere, no matter how exalted that sphere may be, as a fish out of its own element. And why is this ? it may be asked. It is easily to be accounted for : comparative independence, general information, perfect equality, oneness of purpose, sociability and habit, with a boun- tifully provided table, and the lessened chance, from frequent and protracted absence, of form- ing intimacy and creating friendships in the place where he may reside, all contribute to wean a man from his own town and home. At home, in truth, beyond the members of his own household he has few friends, except per- haps relations. From occasional change of residence, for the convenience of a locality in forming a centre for our journeys, or any other cause, even these, though bound by all the ties of affection and sincerity, are not, from the long-contracted manners and habits of the respective parties, meet companions for a very lengthened period. Want of change and variety produces a lassitude little suited to the active body and energetic mind of the commercial man, and he is less capable of having — or, rather, he is dis- 128 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF inclined to ask for — what his desires would lead him to enjoy at an inn; not, probably, from any home deficiency, but from his dis- inclination to give trouble, and from a know- ledge of the impracticability of having, in a private house, all the little elegancies and at- tentions which a man can command at an hotel; and which he would be sorry, under ordinary circumstances, to disorganise the regular arrangements of his own home to produce. BILLY AQUA— A DRY ORIGINAL. What an original is this said Billy Aqua ! The road has not, in all its length and breadth, a character so genuine ; or, with all his faults, one more amusing or respected. The little knowledge he possesses must be either intuitive or self-acquired ; and if the latter, it reflects great credit on his perseverance ; for nothing has ever been expended upon him unnecessarily in an educational point of view. He is really a child of nature ; and I must say, at times, a very unnatural, and rather unruly child. Still he is not only tolerable and tolerated, but A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 129 esteemed over many who have received a regular education, but whose consistency is less, weighing their opportunities, and taking into consideration their superior advantages. Aqua's propensities are perfectly harmless, indeed ; for beyond his caricaturing, pencilling, and sketching, he is incapable, from the genuine goodness of his nature, of doing any one an in- jury. Some of his artistical attempts are clever, satirical — inimitable ; telling forcibly when his genius is aroused, or contempt excited, but exhibited only with a chuckle and inward satis- faction to a highly favoured few. He is an instance, in fact, of the possibility of a man's discharging the duties of an important com- mercial appointment without education ; and this is achieved by the continued exercise of perseverance and tact, and by making the best use of the power he possesses as a salesman and man of business, over an educated man without equal industry and management. For, as he says, '* Grammar be hanged ! will grammar sell stuff?" meaning, will education alone enable a man to effect sales and transact profitable busi- ness ? — Unfortunately, when education and respectability of position have been too much depended upon, without the requisite effort or application, we have frequently seen the reverse; but never, perhaps, in an individual so totally g3 130 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF deficient in that essential, have we seen one so fortunate as Aqua. It is really amusing to listen to his attempt at reading; for, with or without your consent, read he will, clipping the English in a most un- merciful manner; halting to spell, in the middle of a sentence, the most common-place word, which, after hammering at for some time, and finding himself unable to conquer, he will pass by, saying '* hard word," and go on again. Or, perhaps, taking up a newspaper, laying aside his stick, resting his rickety limbs upon a couple of chairs for an hour or two, glasses in hand, on loudly he progresses, knowing no more of its contents at the conclusion than though he had never looked into it. And this habit has so much grown upon him, that I verily believe he know^s not when he exhibits ; and they who are accustomed to meet him are, by repetition, so accustomed to it, as to treat it with indifference and as a matter of course. When he is not reading, indeed, he is inces- santly talking, expressing approbation of his own story by a loud horse-laugh, digressing mo- mentarily; creating objects of wonder foreign to his subject ; always dealing in the marvellous ; believing from repetition relations of circum- stances that never occurred, and the existence of things that never had being. Incessant A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 131 talkers are at all times disagreeable companions, even if able to speak correctly ; but to be com- pelled to listen to a bad speaker, who tells his story ill and prosely, is a nuisance, to be tole- rated only in cases like the present, where humour, good fellowship, and anything but a desire to offend, are its usual accompaniments. Aqua, however, is now too far advanced in habit and in years to re-model his practices ; and since, to use some of his choice phraseology, and convey some idea of his own chaste diction, we have no alternity"^ but to listen to him, and that he does not want us to interfringef with him, but if we do it will not magnify! , why we will acknowledge, in defiance of his crotchets and peculiarities, that he is a genuine properen- dicularll man ; and will leave him alone in his glory till we again meet with him in Exeter, hoping to have the felicity of accompanying him to the cathedral to listen to the splenda- cious§ sympathy^ upon the organ, enjoying afterwards with him a comfortable stroll be- neath the revenue"^"^ of trees, a hearty good dinner ; and so much more of his eccentricities and peculiarities, as shall be worth adding to our next edition. * Alternative. flu terfere. X Signify. jl Perpendicular, or upright. § Splendid. % Symphony. ^^ Avenue. 132 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF AN EMACIATED LOST MAN. Reached St. Alban's at eight o'clock, a.m., to breakfast, after driving twelve miles, and learned that poor Grogram Rummy, from Lon- don, in the wine and spirit trade, was in the house. Up to eleven o'clock I never caught sight of him ; for I understood that the pota- tions strong of the previous night and midnight had caused him to lie a little longer than usual in bed, and to take, while there, soda water repeated a time or two, and sundry squibs, with water warm and sugarless, of his favourite seldom failing restorative, brandy, to enable the stomach and palate to return to their usual tone. When up, being unable to take anything solid in the shape of breakfast, out he roamed to add fuel to the already over-enkindled fife, trudging w^ith faltering step from one inn to another, and from public house to public house, where his principal if not entire business was transacted ; and immediately finding it requisite to the success of his journey, he would com- mence his daily draughts, drinking porter or ale with one, spirits with another, wine probably with a third, and something certainly with all, A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 133 mixing and drinking to suit the humours of his various friends, till flushed a little, better in seeming health than when he left, excited with stimulants, he would return to the commercial room with the view of dining. Alas, no ! he could not eat. Of the many things prepared, not one was at all acceptable to his vitiated taste. After discussing in his mind what might be likely to suit his morbid palate, he ordered (in lieu of a basin of good mutton broth) a highly seasoned grill, but was after all unable to touch it. His appearance really alarmed me ; for his hand was tremulous, his gait unsteady, his face one mass of corruption, his body full to reple- tion, his whole system deranged, and his once powerful mind and energetic frame decayed — yea, I might have said destroyed — by that awful forerunner of all diseases, drink ! drink ! drink ! Oh, what an awful — and, nevertheless, I re- gret to say, often-occurring specimen of this class of commercial men is the character before us, who, to earn a daily bread which he cannot eat, dares to risk a diseased life, and certainly draw on premature death. I never shall forget the vacant and unceasing rolling of his eyes, first lowering, and then again flashing despe- ration. His countenance would occasionally, how 134 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF ever, light up ; but it was only a faint effort, for, immediately relaxing to a placid smile, in apparent unconsciousness, a sullen sadness would suddenly overshadow his once intel- lectual features, which, previously to his pre- sent emaciated state, were regular and good, but are now, from their carmined, distorted, puffed, and carbuncled irregularity, loathsome to look upon. Poor fellow ! his hoarse voice, tremulous lips, and faltering- tongue, will not long give utterance to his many miseries. His days are numbered ; and although I may never meet him more, memory will oft return to the halcyon days of his joyous youth and blooming manhood, when, having received an education of no mean order, and filled a situation of im- portance, his talents had full scope, and he revolved, the sun of a happy circle. Alas ! a chain of events, a whole category of circum- stances in quick succession, brought him from his high estate to his present occupation, where, in anxiety to forget the past, he sacrifices too freely at the shrine of the jolly god, drowning his cares in the bowl till he has outstripped all his former prudence, and from daily indulgence and excess is only now the phantom of what he was. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 135 A SOCIAL, COMFORTABLE SUNDAY AFTER- NOON. White Hart, Bristol, Sunday. — A lively dinner circle, every body in high glee, and, with one exception, every thing and every person were decorous and orderly. Some how or other, a single individual will occasionally, even in the best regulated assemblies, endeavour to mar the general peace and comfort. To-day, however, the disturber was baffled in his inten- tions ; for most of us were pretty well known to one another, and therefore prevented his interruption of our social pleasures. But above all we enjoyed the society of a venerable senior of our party, a stranger to the majority if not the whole of us, who was the life and soul of the company. Without hesi- tation, he at once declared himself not now regularly upon the road, having left it, to super- intend an establishment of his own, for nearly twenty years ; but, having been brought down to transact some business requiring his personal attendance, he had resolved once more to make the commercial room his home. And he evi- dently enjoyed both the dinner and the day, conjuring up for our amusement many recol- 136 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF lections of happy events and droll incidents, long since gathered, with the original relaters and subjects of them, to the things that are not. We were struck with surprise at his command of words to give expression to his intelligent ideas ; for his mind was open as his counte- nance, and his language and deportment were famihar, easy, and unrestrained, without the slightest approach to vulgarity. His conver- sation and remarks, indeed, were elegant and refined, yet without the least ostentation or assumption of superiority. And the effect pro- duced upon those who enjoyed with him the good things of this world, superadded to the feast of reason which abounded, will be long re- membered ; and all will recur with pleasure to a day spent so joyously, and so replete with de- lightful reminiscences. The sparkle of wit was maintained without licentiousness ; we were all merry, but our mirth was restrained within proper limits ; and the conversation was at once pure, entertaining, and intellectual. It formed, indeed, a contrast to some, though I am happy to say not frequently-occurring, after dinner Sunday conversations in the commercial room. As I before mentioned, there was one dissi- dent from the respectability of the party present. Reflecting, however, upon the heterogeneous A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 137 compound of the brotherhood, we can hardly be astonished at occasionally meeting with a seceder or two, but may rather be surprised that they are not more numerous ; for in very few communities, who numbering like the com- mercial body to the tune of at least some thirty thousand members, will fewer delinquencies, or a smaller proportion of positively offensive in- dividuals be found. Happily, to-day, a salutary effect was soon produced by our president, who repeatedly " talked at " the faults of our renegade, but was too judicious to bring himself immediately into collision with him, and parried off the possibility of giving offence by occasionally referring to his better part. By this means, added to the force of example, the man became restrained in his conversation and manners, and was found not less able or willing than others to contribute his quota to the general amusement and gratification. At length, after quietly drinking the health of the president, who briefly but pertinently acknowledged the compliment, the bill was divided, and the party separated, under a sense of universal harmony and exalted gratification. 138 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF MODEL FOR A COMMERCIAL ROOM AND ITS REQUISITES. White Hart, Spalding, Sunday. — Three of us dined — the house unusually thin, but as usual a splendid provision. I do not know any man on the road who provides more amply, or whose attentions are superior to those of Robert Gray. He has been bred up for an innkeeper, and is a sample of many through Lincolnshire and the eastern counties, who now dispense creature comforts as the proprietors of hotels, who have made their way up from the situation of waiters. And there is no class of men more competent to discharge the duties of a landlord. Some few of our own fraternity, who ought to be acquainted with the requirements of commercial travellers, have attempted to provide the essentials of hotels, but seldom have they so well succeeded as men trained in the house, and who have "progressed" upwards ; and their failure may, I think, be accounted for from the fact, that when tra- vellers take hotels, they become either too high-minded, or too self-indulgent ; depending upon their position as old stagers, confident of the support of their ancient allies, relying too A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 139 much upon previous friendship, and exercising it as a substitute for the more soUd essentials of a host. To return, however, to the White Hart, Spalding. So far as man can be made com- fortable away from home, here the object is accomplished, at least for the capabilities of the house, which unfortunately happens to be very old, and deficient in good bedrooms. But the commercial room is second to few, and presents all the requirements of a room for the absent from home ; being perfectly select, exclusively commercial, and free from the intrusion of strangers. It has " a place for everything, and everything in its place ;" all sorts of information almost without making an inquiry — all that is useful and necessary to aid and facilitate the transaction of business. A tablet announces the arrival of the various mails and deliveries of letters, with the time allowed for posting in each direction, with and without the charges for additional time, till the final closing of the box or office. A neatly framed announcement of the dinner hour is conspicuously suspended ; while the walls are hung around with maps of the World, England, and the County — the Scroll of National Mercantile Assurance Com- panies — Pigott's Reciprocal Distance Table — the far-famed Indian Ale Tablet, — and a faith- 140 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF fully engraved portrait of the respected Joseph Gils trap, Esq. A long range of pegs for gar- ments, with space for hundreds of trunks, bags, boxes, and desks — an arrangement of num- bered leads, or hooks, for the suspension of whips, without fear of damage to the lashes — and an umbrella-stand, occupy each a conve- nient place ; while, in corresponding style, appears a sideboard with glasses and decanters; with sofa, chairs, and centre table all to match, wdth smaller tables for WTiting under the win- dows, furnished with japanned ink and wafer stands, rulers, wax, pens, &c. The chimney piece presents, in addition to the mirror, (the interstices between the frame and glass of which are, as usual, filled with cards announcing the houses upon the road which gentlemen are j pleased to recommend) a sovereign and letter balance, with wax taper and improved noiseless i lucifers. Indeed the room, like the articles ' generally vended by its occupants, may be taken as a fair sample of the bulk, especially as regards its provisions for the table. A sight of the larder, which offers itself as you enter, is sufficient to claim at once for it the pre-emi- nence that has been awarded ; while the quiet deportment, but willing, steady, and determined inclination of the host to do his supporters justice, and render them every comfort, assist- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 141 ance, and information in his power, united to moderation in his charges, makes the house superior to thousands, and worthy of all the encouragement it receives. A FAST MAN. When men, from the want of a knowledge of the rules and usages of well regulated society, err, or commit themselves, as it is termed, there is some little allowance to be made ; or, rather, they are less chargeable on account of impro- priety, than those who have enjoyed more desirable opportunities, and yet, knowing what is required, move out of their way upon every possible occasion. Thus, by a deviation from propriety, and a series of unblushing effrontery and vulgarism which none but the ignorant, imprudent, and grossly- debased would, in their sober senses, presume to practise, they render themselves laughing-stocks — "fit objects for the hand of Scorn to point his slow unmoving finger at." Such a one have we all this day — or I may say for a week past — been constantly annoyed 142 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF with. No opportunity has been lost, in which he could practise his effrontery with a pro- bability of success, without his violation of good manners, and turning to travesty every casual remark ; interfering with every one's affairs, interrupting all argument, indulging in habitual coarseness, incessantly using his busy mischief-making member, and rudely giving advice unsolicited upon every subject, till all present, who, from his noisy vociferation, are compelled to listen, are inspired with supreme disgust. In the eyes of a creature like this, every quiet, unpretending, steady-going man (upon whom his attacks are insufferable) is, to use his own choice expression, a muff, fit object only for a jeer and a scoff, the butt of his coarse and vulgar sarcasm. But, let an opportunity offer for a display of mind — give one chance, in a mixed assembly, for a development of soul, or an exhibition upon the most common-place subject of intellect over vulgarism and vacancy, or hackneyed chain of common-place sayings and unguarded expressions — and such men immediately find their level. Transparent as crystal, though without its purity, they are instantly seen through. No one, indeed, is so intolerable as your Fast Man — indulging, at the most trivial cir- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 143 cumstance, in a half-nigger, whole-ass, entire horse-laugh ; shouting ever}^ instant at the very top of his voice ; reading, or cross-read- ing, incoherently, aloud ; not over regardful of the truth ; creating discord, by circulating reports of circumstances which never had an existence : in fact, setting parties by the ears by conjuring mischief out of nothing ; pouring forth light, frothy, slang remarks ; perpetually playing practical jokes ; taking unwarrantable liberties with surnames, or probably substi- tuting a not over chaste or acceptable sobriquet or alias : inquisitive about everybody's business to the neglect of his own ; tampering with the time and tempers of the female servants ; utter- ing oaths to the ostler; perplexing by a chain of foolish inquiries the not over bright comprehension of the "boots;" out late at night, up late in the morning, listless and indolent throughout the day ; theatre-going, billiard or card-playing, singing, tossing, bet- ting, horse-racing ; skittle-ground and bowling- green amusements having the pre-eminence over business ; with a word for every passer by, and a stare, a wink, or a nod for every well- dressed woman ; a simile for every object, base as the mind from which it emanates ; a total neglect of everything that can exalt, and a gro- velling desire for anything that can demoralise ; 144 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF without friends, excepting a few choice careless associates, w^ho (so pernicious is the influence of evil example) are frequently carried, imper- ceptibly but rapidly, into the same vortex as himself. Such a man is a scourge to his com- peers, and to those who are compelled by the constitution of the commercial room to be his pro tempore companions. Known everywhere by report, he is a bye-word throughout the king- dom — a thorn in the side of his relations — is scouted by the genuine business man — hated by the quiet — cut by the well-ordered and correct — objectionable to his customers — a perpetual annoyance to the house or houses he may represent — an enemy to himself — an abo- mination to society at large ; and the more so from his possessing the abihty without the inclination to act correctly, mend his ways, and substitute in lieu of so base and revolting, a new, and more acceptable, line of conduct. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 145 NUISANCE OF THE RAILWAY FRY AT THE HOTELS IN OCTOBER AND NOVEMBER, 1845. Leeds, Nov. 6th, 1845. — Rail, rail, nothing but the railway uppermost ! What a different aspect the business world now wears, compared to former times ! At the inns, in the towns, on the road, and everywhere, railway men, plans, scrip, schemes, shares, and lines, are the all- absorbing topic. Men of business, steady to their trade ori- ginally, are now anxious and beside themselves about these apparently money-making, fluc- tuating, speculative railways. Shops are de- serted, and left to incompetent mis-managers ; streets are thronged, and brokers' offices are overrun with anxious, carew^orn, excited ven- turers of their own and, in many instances, other people's property, till all security is for- feited, and the purity of commerce sacrificed to hare-brained speculations and theoretical im- practicability. So infatuating, indeed, are railway projects in these northern districts, that men who were originally content with a quarter of a century's occupation in their legitimate business, to pro- H 146 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF cure provision for the future, and sweeten the remains of hfe by competency and retirement, are now to be seen with brains fevered and nerves unstrung, anxious to become affluent in a year — ay, or in a month, or by one happy hit — at railway speculations ; risking their all, and more than their all, till clear-sighted cre- ditors become alarmed for their security, and confiding, previously unsuspecting, wives trem- ble lest they and their children, originally in possession of every comfort, while pursuing a genuine and steady money-acquiring trade, should be reduced by one fell swoop to penury and want. The first inquiries now-a-days are — " Have you any shares in so and so ? Do you know the lines of country through w^hich such a pro- ject passes ? Have you seen the list to-day ? Are the Madringham and Deadlands up ? Can you tell me the position of any of the gentle- men forming the provisional committee in the Eat-up-al] line ?" with a chain of similar interro- gations wearying to listen to ; and to be unable to give an answer to all or any of the questions stamps you, in the estimation of the inquirer, as apathetic, stupid, or idiotic. " What ! take no interest in such certain money -making matters?" followed up by — "My neighbour so-and-so cleared yesterday two thousand, and I A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 147 might have realized a thousand, but unwisely sold out a day or two before. I shall have another slap at it, though, and have written for fifty shares in this, and twenty shares in that. Safe to make money. I wonder you have not had a spec. That's the way to do business. Sink the shop, old fellow !" But the end is not yet ; and the shop after all will prove most beneficial in the long run. The commercial room, too, has become tainted with railway influence ; and some few of its members are already drinking of the cup of bitterness produced by its venom; in being compelled to re-commence (almost at the period when they might have retired with a comparative competency) a pinching economy to recruit their deranged finances. And the comforts at hotels are so infringed upon by the latitudinarian principle carried out by the swarm of architects and attorneys, en- gineers, civil and otherwise, surveyors, and levellers (in the twofold sense, of order and hues of country) with a thousand other hire- lings in connexion with their wild and visionary undertakings, as to give the inns, and in manj^ instances the commercial room itself, the sem- blance of a fair, or bear-garden, rather than the usual residence of the plodding sons of commerce. All the beds are, by arrangement, H 2 148 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF pre-occupied ; horses fully engaged, and ser- vants doubly worked by these effervescent locusts. Decorum and order are compelled to recede before the ungentlemanly conduct which exhibits itself in all the movements of these people. There they are, momentarily whis- tling up and down the room — pacing irregu- larly, half polka, half jump, with filthy clumsy boots, and equally dirt}^ overalls — leaving the doors open — strutting consequentially with forage caps and monkey jackets, emblematic of their owners — till they have become a pest so general as to call for interference, so objection- able as to demand a check. The doors too are thronged, preventing ingress or egress, by their hardy, unwashed carriers of instruments, co- lours, and stakes — chains and theodolites ; — whose very breath, from beer, and pipes of filthy hue and stench offensive, excite a sensa- tion of nausea unbearable. And then, again, the pomp and display of the fry, tandem- driving, champagne-drinking, and riotously living — which, thank goodness, will end by the thirtieth — brand the railways in projection, from starting point to terminus, as one uni- versal epidemic, which, in its results, will prove more fatal than any visitation that man, by his own invention, has ever before sought out to afiiict our world. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 149 LORD SAXONY— A PEDANT. Peacock, Boston, January. — Stiff, precise, venerable old friend, Lord Saxony, came in about three o'clock, extolling the speed of his clever, elegant, gentle, beautifully-symmetrical, sixteen hands horse ; which, he said, he had paid but little less than a hundred guineas for, to some nobleman of his acquaintance. Order- ing a small quantity of fish and a bird — for he loves good living-— his handsome and expensive gold watch was, for a few minutes (but not with the view of exhibiting, certainly not) held in his hand, to enable him to calculate and pro- perly divide his time; when, arranging six o'clock to dine — resolving to do so alone — dis- daining sherry or port, he inquired after the quality of claret and madeira ; not the price, no, it is not correct or gentlemanly, according to his notions, to be too minute and nice about small items of expenditure. Meanwhile, quietly, with his neatly-wrapped, sprucely-tied samples, he would call, to make the best of dayhght, upon his few (for he does not require many) ancient friends and customers ; the calling upon whom, from repetition, is rather hke going home than to transact busi- 150 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF ness. By dusk, he has finished his employ- ment for the day. He mingles business with pleasure ; the latter rather than the former being the principal object of his leaving home ; for when there he has nobody to share his well- earned, if not large, comfortable independence, acquired by little less than half a century's toil, till time has burnished his cranium, bleached his little remaining hair, and rendered him worthy of reverence and esteem, despite his many peculiar chimerical inclinations. Before strangers he apparently evinces a slight haughtiness of bearing, over which he seems to have Uttle control, however, and which, upon better acquaintance, soon in a measure wears off. Although egotistic, his egotism is bearable, notwithstanding its constant exhibition ; for he makes all his remarks upon himself, his respectable house, his equally re- spected employer (or, I beg pardon, partner) his wide circle of exalted friends, and all that appertains to himself, with a pardonable vanity, and so playfully that no one can be offended. He has, too, an excellent command over his countenance and temper ; and being able pretty accurately to judge how far he may venture to go, seldom commits himself. Should he perchance do so, it is only with a few old re- spected and esteemed friends, whose pardon A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 151 and forbearance he feels quite certain of ; for he scarcely ever now-a-days forms a new acquaint- ance, and, consequently, should he make a slip, or overdraw the bow, he has the tact to turn it to advantage with a jest, deigning to laugh himself, knowing that others are sure to laugh with him, and utterly careless about their doing so at his expense. His conversation and gait bear a curious resemblance one to the other; the former, in the presence of strangers, being precise and deli- berate, with words as well selected, considered, and cautiously delivered, as though given in evidence upon some important event, and likely to be afterwards scrutinized and ex- amined ; the latter, firm, with measured pre- cision, his steps a trifle too long, however, for so short a personage ; and as exact in length as though each stride w^ere intended to form a precisely given distance ; taken, too, with an undeviating regularity of time, and an equally regular inclination of the head. There is after all — losing sight of his stiflhess of manner — a something that strikes you as prepossessing, upon a very first interview or introduction ; for his formal bow, steady gaze, and alluring smile stamp him, upon entering the room, as something at least very uncommon if not very superior. And although the sombre 152 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF monotonousness of his voice will not allow him to speak harmoniously, it does not prevent him from doing so pretty correctly, and with a grace peculiarly his own ; for he manages his address in such an admirable manner that his moderate abilities so steal upon you, being employed to advantage, as to give him the air and sem- blance of a man of parts, and render him far more acceptable as a companion than one who may have received a much better education, is in possession of a more ghttering capacity, but is wanting in the judgment and tact which he possesses for turning everything to the best account. His principal failing consists in a pride which imposes upon his better nature, and prompts his loftiness of deportment, detracting from his general merit, viz., the delight he takes in dis- coursing about and declaring himself intimate with great and exalted individuals, repeatedly dragging in the opinion given him upon any particular subject by his friend and neighbour Lord So-and-so, or the delightful conversation that passed between himself and Sir John So- and-so, as they took a ride in the baronet's carriage. That he may have had an oppor- tunity of conversing with his Lordship, "^ who is an affable friendly man, is not at all unlikely, * Lord Heytesbury. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 153 since he resides, when not attending to his now important pubUc duties, at the mansion or hall adjoining the small town where our hero occu- pies the best ready - furnished apartments. From the determination of the latter to look upwards, and his anxiety to form great ac- quaintances, he may have thrown himself into his Lordship's way, imagining himself his equal, which I can readily imagine. In fact they are both, in stature, small men ; and who knows whether, from this cause, a sympa- thetic feeling may or not exist between them ? That he actually rode in the carriage with his friend Sir John, I have not the slightest doubt ; for not a neatherd or a shepherd, or scarcely any other individual, howsoever mean or exalted his condition, ever was or is over- looked by this benevolent scion of our nobility. No, his kind inquiries are made irrespective of the garb a man may wear, and his assistance is offered equally to the necessitous and respect- able. More than once, to lighten the burden and gladden the heart, has he assisted, by a ride, even the overweighted gatherer of sticks ; giving afterwards to the shoeless, foot-sore, unfortunate daughter of Eve wherewithal to provide for her necessities. These, and a thousand other acts of kindness, have endeared him to all who come within the reach of his H 3 154 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF benevolent feeling ; and that he should conse- quently be honoured with the friendship and esteem of my friend Saxony is not at all to be wondered at. Could that worthy traveller increase the number of such noble minded men as his worth-respecting friend, Sir John, in the course of his perambulation, society would not only pardon the mention of their names, but hail, with increased delight, so great and de- sirable a change in our Enghsh aristocracy. ON CARD-PLAYING. Ten or twelve years have passed over since I was last induced to play a rubber at whist, or any other game, with cards ; and having then, to use a common phrase, registered a vow never again to play, I hope — and indeed entertain little doubt upon the subject, having so long refrained — to be able to hold my faith. I am led into these remarks upon card- playing, from the circumstance of a little unpleasantness which I this night witnessed. Four gentlemen separated from our company, breaking up the agreeableness that had pre- viously existed, to sit round a card table in A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 155 one corner of the commercial room, and play a rubber. Playing half-crown points at short whist, though apparently totally unacquainted with each other's dispositions or play, and betting rather spiritedly, considerable uneasi- ness was manifested by the losers ; for the cards, which it is said can beat their very makers (although the chairs were changed again and again, turned round and round, and seats reversed) favoured two of the party, sit where, or be whose partners soever they might. At length, a little wrangling, produced by trifling incorrectness of play, and increased by continued losses, gave rise to an unpleasant dispute, which ended in a perverse squabble, much to the annoyance of the other occupants of the room. It afforded, indeed, a new proof of the often urged propriety of a card party retiring to a private room, where the silence and quietude which are so really and truly desirable over cards, but cannot be commanded or obtained in a mixed heterogeneous assem- bly, may be secured. Cards, indeed, not unfrequently prove a hinderance to pleasant and agreeable conversation, breaking up the harmony of a room, and begetting a feeling of uneasiness, which might at once be obviated by retirement and seclusion ; shutting out the 156 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF knowledge of the world as to the loss or gain by the event, and equally so the risk of any objectionable publication of what might be either said or done by any of the respective parties. To return, however, to the cause of my abandonment of card-playing. The determina- tion originated in a similar but more oiFensive occurrence than the above. The principal mover in the affair I have for years alto- gether lost sight of, and understand he has long since left the road, certainly much to the comfort of those who continue upon it, and had been accustomed periodically to meet him. They will, however, long remember his cadaverous -looking face, weasel eye, tall, lean, lathy, lanky frame, offensive teeth and breath, and yet more offending wayward, violent, self- willed disposition and conduct. But he had a continental distinction and rank, and there- fore, it may be supposed, thought himself entitled to the assumption of superiority ; for he exulted in the dignified, exalted, honourable, and euphonious title of Baron Fiddlestick. He is understood to have left his native coun- try — for he was a foreigner, and I think a German — for the ostensible purpose of dis- posing of a collection of shabby and generally unchaste engravings, principally French, for A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 157 which he did not fail to exact the most ex- travagant prices, when opportunity offered. Indeed, he never exhibited them without mani- festing evident displeasure if unable to effect a sale, at his own price, too ; for, if any abate- ment were attempted, he would repeatedly and most offensively drag in— "Vot, you tink I shtole 'em ? vot for you gib me de trouble ? You no vant to buy, you Got tarn Anglaise !" The ostensible cause of his peregrinations I have stated to be the sale of these his filthy, lewd, and worthless prints; but he had an object beyond, and not one either which, when discovered, could or did endear him to any- body; namely, ^am6Zm^. He always appeared to have more time upon his hands than he well knew what to do with, and was ever at the best and principal hotels, lying in wait to entrap young, inexperienced, and unwary men, even during the day-time, to play at bilhards or some other game. This he always made it well answer his purpose to lose time about ; certain, either from fair (for he played well) or foul means, to have the best of it. He was determined to win, and conquer his antagonists; and the relation of the following circumstance, yet well remembered by two or three gentle- men, who were parties to it, and whom I now occasionally meet — will not fail to expose the 158 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF unmanly and objectionable spirit he usually displayed. It was at the White Hart, , when, if my memory fail not, there were five of us in the house, including the Baron (whom till then I had known but little about, although I had repeatedly met with and heard of him) and a party he had met and fleeced the previous night. The last two were anxious to make up a rubber; the former, certain of adding more to his daily increasing finances ; and the latter, who played the cards well, and under- stood the game, anxious to re-possess that which he had previously lost, and to which, had fair play been the order of the day, he was fully entitled. But the Baron carried and knew his own cards, and was with these inani- mate as well as with his animate friends a regular shuffler. A third, however, volun- teered ; and now the thing was all but done, one of the two remaining would be sure to join them. I was appealed to ; but never being over fond of cards, not much liking my men, and having my letter to complete, I declined ; so also did my companion, an aged, respectable, steady-looking character, who had declined from the first, and in whose hands indeed a prayer-book would have been more in keeping, and I think acceptable, than a pack A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 159 of cards. They played with dummy, however, amidst a good deal of snarling and contrariety, till at last, having finished my correspondence, I was again importuned by one and the other to join them. Eventually overcome by entreaty, I was unfortunately persuaded to meet their wish ; declaring, at the same time, my inability to play correctly, and my determination to play for sixpenny points only. To this they one and all objected ; but, resolved to main- tain my position, or not play, they at length assented ; making up for the amount by bets upon the colour of turn-up cards, odd tricks, the game, and rubber, till more money changed hands than is usual among commercial men, and I consequently manifested a little discom- fiture. Every nerve was strained to move me from my determination to play the sixpenny points only, and to bet. However, I held to my purpose, though not without causing the Baron to utter against me something in Ger- man, or French, condemnatory and abusive for my parsimony. But to me it was all, except from his twisting of body and writhing of face, quite unintelligible. The rubber at length w^as completed, and I withdrew, but again unwisely suffered myself to be over-persuaded to cut in, after pledges of more consistent doings. Unfortunately, the 160 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF Baron and I became partners. Evident satis- faction was evinced by the party who last played with him, at having got rid of so peevish and vexatious a compound ; for the Baron unpleasantly, at the conclusion of each hand, stormed and complained that his partner had done this, which lost him so much, and omitted to do that which would have made him a winner of so much ; careless about the game so long as he won his bet and pocketed the needful. We had not played long together, however, before I grew tired of his dictation, and gave him to understand that if he again interfered I should throw down my cards. Silenced, consequently, for a short time, all went on as smoothly, considering the excitable and uncontrollable material we had to deal with, as could be expected, till the middle of the next rubber; when, having betted more largely, our antagonists holding the best cards, the Baron halted suddenly at my play. Grin- ning demoniacally, grating his few remaining filthy masticators, and exposing the most un- sightly and offensively projecting upper gum I ever beheld, while the saliva oozed out of the corners of his huge mouth, and the spray from ^his tremulous, thin, and emaciated lips, flew across the table, he uttered vociferously — "Vot for you play that card ? You Got tarn, you A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. J 61 lose my monish, you vos pay my losing ; vot for you rob me, play so bad ? I wos not pay ; no, you Got tam !" We stared with amaze- ment, first at him, then at each other, wonder- ing where it would end ; till at last, unable to bear it any longer, I remonstrated, and so did the elderly gentleman before mentioned, who was appealed to, and his decision was at once manly, disinterested, and sensible. But it only called forth further invective from the foreigner, who, incapable or disinclined to use our lan- guage to convey his displeasure, uttered some to us unintelligible jargon, with furious gesti- culation, shrugging of shoulders, distortion of features, and un-English evasion. But it would not do. The winner, who was a smallish man, would have his money, and the Baron referred him to me for payment. That of course he never attempted, but tormented the renegade till he paid over half the amount. This was at once assenting to his delinquency, and the winner would consequently have the whole, or the Baron must leave the room. What ! be ejected ? Oh, no, he would fight for it ! and, seizing the poker, he brandished it over our heads, a little to our dismay ; till, finding myself in danger, and the Baron's opponent no fair match, I took up (being more near his own height, and we each measured nearly two 162 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF yards) the defensive. He became at once vio- lent and abusive. But, watching my oppor- tunity, I grasped his shrivelled body, which was no more in my arms than that of a new- born infant, carried him, without making a charge, comfortably to the door, which was opened by a bystander of our party, and quietly put him out. He bore the expulsion with resignation, fortitude, and magnanimity, aware of his deserts, neither attempting to oppose, retaliate, or return. A MOROSE, BIGOTED SPECIMEN— MR. PONTIUS PILATE. Saturday, November \8th, 1843. — Horn- castle, Bull Inn. — About seven p.m. old friend Pontius Pilate, from Leeds, arrived. When I say old friend, I should add that for years we have met pleasantly ; but mine is almost a solitary instance, few men having the inclina- tion to form an acquaintance with a being so awfully pedantic, self-confident, and obstinate, who seldom engages in a general conversa- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 163 tion, but usually, from his small stock of learn- ing, imagining himself superior to his fellows, and well versed upon every subject, makes himself disagreeable by misapplied remarks and unseasonable criticisms, which, " ever and anon," he thrusts in, ill timed and uncalled for. His bigotry, indeed, carries him so far as to disdain all established rules for a set of cramped opinions of his own, the produce of many years' growth, and now firmly rooted by habit, but differing entirely in many points from all cus- tom either in individuals or communities. So full of crotchets are all his commercial move- ments, and so systematically arranged are all his plans, which, with a blind resolution he makes up his mind to carry out before he leaves home, that hardly any circumstance, howsoever ad- vantageous, will induce him to deviate from his accustomed routine of previously digested duties. Not even will he. wait an additional hour, to receive from some briefly absent client the very best of orders. " Onward ! punctual to my time," is his motto. " My time's too valuable to be trifled with ; they knew I was coming, and they ought to have been ready for me." — I think, nevertheless, that from the existing competition, whatever the standing of his house may be, or wdiatsoever good quality he may himself possess as a salesman, he can 164 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF do little more than any other man to bend his customers immediately either to his time or purpose. But, even before his friends, from his very nature it is impossible for him to be otherwise than captious, dictatorial, and peevish. On arriving to-night, after alighting me- thodically from his chaise, his first duty was to stand by and watch the removal of his horse, every moment complaining that this was done wrong, and that that was not done right. Then, anxiously following his horse to the stable, he gave there a thousand-and-one directions about chilled water, dry bandages, warm horse-cloths, loose boxes, bran mashes, &c. Then he han- dled and smelt the hay ; inquired for the quartern corn measure, and compared it with his own imperial measure, which he always carries as a check to over-reaching landlords or careless and dishonest ostlers. Finally, when about half-an-hour had elapsed, after grumbling at the quantity and quality of the straw, he made his appearance in the room. When there, the bell was rung, and the chambermaid abruptly inquired for ; and, upon learning that the bed-room he usually occupied was engaged, his uncharitable tongue gave vent to its usual censoriousness. Though not less than the seventh party in the house, he uttered audibly his anathema at the maid, because he had not A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. ' 165 the best room in the inn. The *' boots " next received his accustomed rating, with many warnings to be particularly careful as to how he took the things out of his chaise, and to be sure not to poke the pegs upon which the coats were to be hung through the backs of the said garments ; or, to make sure doubly sure, he would hang them up himself; and he ("boots") might but carefully place them over a chair back. The whip then engaged his attention ; and every knot untied, and the thong straightened, it was carefully suspended (there being no proper hook) from the point of the cornice pole to which the window drapery was attached. At length, singly but slowly, each garment found its position upon its respective hook ; and immediately over them his stick and umbrella. Then, folding his cravat as though intended to be worn, he encircled the dense mass of w^oollen cloth — not macintosh, no, he too much valued his health to wear macintosh — and the united garments looked as bulky as though enveloping a human being, wanting only the power of speech to say, as some facetious gentlemen write in their hats, " not yours." These arrangements complete, his accounts and customers briefly engaged his attention, but merely with the view of announcing his 166 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF arrival, and putting his business in train for Monday morning. Then, after taking tea, and entering into a little catch conversation, very dogmatically, his company became irksome and disagreeable ; for instead of being instructive, as a senior, his interferences were overbearing and offensive. Finding, however, that there were younger men, better educated, and for- midable as antagonists, upon fair ground, in the room, who would not brook an insult, after " blowing a cloud " and drinking his grog, he retired before his usual time for bed, evidently dissatisfied with himself at being foiled in his attempt to reign supreme, the chief amongst us. Every one felt delighted at the riddance of the general pest, disgusted as each and all were by his haughty and ungentle- manly bearing. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 167 THE SIAMESE TWINS. Norwich, February, 1843. — What a treat I have these last few days enjoyed while a looker on at the waggishness, and a participator in the broad-farce exhibitions of the humorous and jocular " Siamese Twins," as they are with us familiarly termed. And howsoever dame Nature can, in the multiplicity of her individual pour- trayments, have attached to each other so closely two such decidedly opposite temperaments, I am at a loss even to conjecture. But certain it is they are attached ; and that too by ties as indissoluble as though ligature and blood, sinew and bone, body and soul, were enveloped in one skin, and made to form one perfect, or rather imperfect whole. For, day by day, and year by year, ever inseparable, one punctual pe- riodical presentation of the conjunction has been visible ; astonishing every one by its un- deviating regularity, moving town by town, stage by stage, inn by inn, and almost customer by customer, in continuity, till my " Uncle and his Pal" are as proverbial, and from their punctuality and repetition familiarly inquired for, and to be depended upon, as are their 168 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF orders and accounts, after visiting their clients, in their coat-tail pockets. What a dry, jocose, hale, light-hearted, vigorous, active, good-hu- moured, grey-headed personification of a plod- * ding, contented, prosperous, business man is one, although beyond the meridian of life, compared to the dull, heavy, prosy, dreaming, gouty (although attempting to be playful) exhi- bition of the other, who is no less a business man, by the way, yet sets about it differently, and is equally respected. What peals of laughter have my astonished ears, aching sides, and wonder-stricken senses been witness to, after some quaint ebullition of thought or fancy, and playful development of circumstance or event, has emanated from the observation, delicious wit, or exquisite drollery of one com- pared with the sensation produced by the mo- notonous, heavy, over-wrought, mopish, sleepy attempt at oratory, and w^ould-be cunning of the other ! What a relish for double entendre, " parcel selling," travesty, and the ludicrous dissemination of new flash words, is predomi- nant alike in both, too ; and what keen satis- faction and delight do they experience at spreading a net in which to catch the unwary ! And how they exult after what they call " effecting a sale," entirely discountenancing the innocent and unsuspicious purchaser ! Hun- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 169 dreds, ay thousands, have been eye and ear witnesses to the fidehty of this picture. Yet all this, from its very manner, is tolerable. Nay, so decidedly harmless are they, and so playful is their intention, that even the most fastidious cannot quarrel with them ; although, as se- niors, they might wish their leisure moments to be turned to a more serious account. How- ever, they are generally amusing and instruc- tive, wide awake, and resolved to keep others so ; constantly producing a broad grin, cheer- ing the disheartened, encouraging the inex- perienced, treating lightly the interruptions of success, buoying up the momentarily unfortu- nate with hopes of a favourable issue, and deserving on many accounts our reverence and esteem, in defiance of their various peculiar crotchets. Moreover, in addition to their being patriarchs amongst us, they are the founders, and advocates, and supporters to no small extent, of nearly all the different institutions (howso- ever unsuccessful some of them may have been) that have been intended to prove beneficial to those for whom they were established, and which have in their day been a blessing, and help, and comfort to hundreds. Yes, the aged, incapacitated, and unfortunate — the widow and the offspring unprovided for — have, through their instrumentality (aided by a little band of 170 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF similarly good Samaritans, before society had so far "progressed" in the formation of regu- larly incorporated institutions) in countless in- stances had their hearts made glad, their wants supplied, and their sorrow ameliorated. No- thing indeed ever was, or is, set on foot, aiming at an alleviation of the condition of the unsuc- cessful of their class, without their becoming handsome voluntary contributors and very zealous advocates. They are remnants, too, of the good old school ; and from practising a moral courage, and possessing constitutions of iron, have been able to combat with, to con- quer, and to triumph over the habits, customs, and indulgences of the road, which have hurried thousands of the less cautious and more self- indulgent to the commencement of their last long journey, at a period much earlier than men are usually withdrawn from the scene of their labours, and called upon to give up their final account. Time was indeed, within our knowledge, when the duties of commercial men were less onerous than they now are, and their time, from an inability to advance beyond the speed of their stiff and mounted palfreys, much more their own ; when, consequently, more extensive opportunities offered, after discharg- ing the business of the day, and despatching the correspondence for the night, for carousal A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. l7l and enjoyment. In witnessing, therefore, now, after this lapse of years and an endless variety of change in system, the buoyancy of spirits, good health and tempers, and rolhcking, chicken-like propensities of this pair of worthy ancients, we are involuntarily carried back as it were to something like the days of primitive commercial travelling, but divested of its supper gorgings, nightly soakings, and per- petual intoxications. No room wants for mirth, however, when they are present. That they may long live amongst us, to enliven the sphere of which they are not only the orna- ments but the very heart and soul, is a heart- felt wish, which will I am sure be reiterated by all who may have occasionally participated in the sparkling spirit of their jokes and hilarity ; and that, as their lives have been one continued scene of bustle and excitement, which their observation, tact, and good sense, have turned to the very best account, instructive as well as amusing to others, and advantageous to them- selves, so may their latter end be one of happi- ness and peace, allow^ing them time for reflec- tion, and a thankful consideration on account of the many evils avoided, and hair-breadth es- capes from ruin and destruction. May lasting recollections of social hours, happy convivial faces, and pleasing reminiscences attend them ; I 2 172 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF and may their hard-earned competence prove a solace and satisfaction which they may long live to enjoy, stimulating their successors to like endeavours at the attainment of good for- tune, with the sustaining confidence of being equally respected and rewarded in their turn. AN ANCIENT SPECIMEN—SADDLE-BAGS. Liverpool, October, 1839. — An old stager here, almost the last of his race, the hearty, healthy-looking Mr. Bowyer, from Manchester, who, after nearly as long a servitude to the road as any man upon it, pursues the ancient independent mode of horseback travelling, and seems as likely, from exercise, moderation, and abstinence, — although he enjoys his pipe and his glass — to live as long as many loungers in a modern " drag," who mount a meerschaum or cigar, and have scarcely commenced their commercial career. How widely different now are the travellers' room and its occupants from what they were even within my short recollection ! Men who A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 173 bumped the saddle, profiting by their pros- perous trade, which had little if any compe- tition to encounter — enjoying, with their less expensive mode of transit, the more solid and satisfactory ancient profit — were a distinct race of beings from the travellers of modern times. They were all as well known to one another as though members of the same family ; and a new face was almost as rare an occurrence as a new year, and as duly recognised by the body on its arrival by a formal " shoeing " or treat of wine, which made glad the hearts of all. This was as regularly looked for and con- ceded, as it is usual now-a-days to see fresh faces, and see them only a time or two without recognition, to give place to others equally strange, which as suddenly disappear, to be succeeded by unknown ones again. Originally, indeed, if we met a man once, we met him always ; journey after journey brought him, punctually, to a proverb, the regular, unchanged, and unchanging repre- sentative ; with the same hardy, bland, rubi- cund, healthy, complacent, smiling face, and courteous demeanour. Commercial men of the "olden time" certainly were not so polished as the moderns in their appearance and con- versation ; but they were far more sincere and friendly in their recognition ; and their hearty 174 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF shake of hands — honest plainness of speech, without ostentation — quiet dress, and unas- suming bearing — were in the highest degree gratifying and satisfactory. Possessing equally — not in portmanteaus, carpet bags, boxes of mahogany fitted to the chaise, elaborately wrought driving box, or higlily finished dressing case, but — within the compass of a pair of saddle-bags, all that was requisite, for business, wardrobe, and toilet, they were all alike well and respectably attired, without being subject to the foolish distinction and pre-eminence which, in such particulars, show would endea- vour, in modern times, to claim for itself. The traveller in those good old days, too, occupied a place more near the heart of the buyer than is usually the case now ; and his periodi- cal visit was agreeably looked forward to, without the necessity, of pre-warning by circu- lar. From its regularity and yearly repetition, it was anticipated with as much pleasure and delight as though it had been a tie of brother- hood, rather than one of business. Men did not then gallop through a place, leaving their business half done, but ample time was allowed for its transaction, and for necessary repose for themselves, and also for their favourite, well- seasoned, muscular, sinewy, and finely- proportioned horses. Nightly, too, each cus- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 175 tomer, joining the commercial circle, partook abundantly of the hot and sumptuous, regularly provided supper ; while punch was quaffed to wash it down, regardless of nightmare, head- ache, or the blues, amidst hearty, unrestrained, exhilarating laughter, the jovial song, and jo- cund conversation. Men in those days drank freely, it is true, enjoying what they drank ; but were able, with the robust, hale, and healthy constitutions they possessed, and the exercise they took, to ride off, not a whit the worse, the effects of the previous night's carousal ; doing ample justice to a solid, hearty breakfast, and capable again, without interruption, of dis- charging the functions of their responsible, pleasurable, and honourable calling. But, alas ! the innovation of steam, and the continual onward movement of the day, have dissipated the quietude of a commercial career, and all that appertains to commerce must now be effected at railway speed, to keep pace with the excessive competition of the times ; leaving us only the shadow of former days in the beings we occasionally come across, like the one here to-day, who very justly observed, that men, in their own personal expenditure, and the splendour of their horses and conveyances, were becoming prodigally expensive, and that at the very time they ought rather to become 176 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF economical, that they might again realize the ancient substantial profit to support their modern splendour and extravagance. GENERAL REMARKS. Lincoln, Wednesday ; Saracen s Head. — An excellent dinner provided, and scarcely anybody to eat it ; although last night (to use our own phraseology) there were not few^er than thirteen or fourteen in, and nearly the same number to breakfast this morning. But the coaches leave here to arrive at Nottingham, Hull, &c. in connection with the railway, at so awkward a period as to give nobody an opportunity of sit- ting down in comfort to dine, who depend upon rail or coach for their conveyance ; and instead of the room's wearing, as it ought to wear, a tranquil aspect after a morning's fatigue, during the time of dinner, it w^as all in an uproar : in and out — leaving open the door — forgetting, in their determination to be ready, the decencies of society — over anxious to book their places, and arrange their various luggage — one impa- tiently awaiting his bill — another, ready for the A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 177 start, fully equipped, pacing with measured steps the room — and a third apologizing for lighting a cigar, the effluvia of which, never over pleasant at meal times, is what few men who are not over fastidious would ever object to, desiring for themselves probably at some time or other the same indulgence. The *^ boots " were both in requisition, and breath- less from having been sent twenty ways at once ; and their always uncovered heads, steam- ing with perspiration, gave evidence of the weight of luggage with which their bodies had been burdened. And with lugging out port- manteaus, carpet bags, and cloaks, which had but a short time previously made their appear- ance in the room, there existed one general scene of confusion ; much to the annoyance of the few of us who sat down to dine. One veteran of the party, who from his position near the door had received a number of rubs, and whose patience was exhausted and temper soured, uttered audibly his anathemas against both coach and railway travellers, declaring he had never, for a period of nearly forty years, seen the comforts of the commercial room so much interfered with, or been subjected himself to the possibility of proving such an annoyance to any company, always having had his own conveyance. i3 178 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF Our vice-president stated, that only the day before yesterday he was in DabUn, and had since then been to Manchester, Sheffield, and I know not where. Indeed, so rapid now-a-days is the locomotion of many, that they seem to possess the attribute of ubiquity, moving at so marvellous a rate from town to town — are here there and everywhere as it were at once ; and within so brief a period, and with such celerity, do they pass from district to district, and place to place, as to astonish the old, steady, pro- gressive stage man, having his own horse and chaise, who imagines they can have no other object in view than that of enriching coach and railway proprietors, and fatiguing themselves for the sole purpose of talking about the distance speedily accomplished ; losing sight of the main chance, careless about the main object for which they really left home — the transaction of business. And so, in many instances, it really is, too ; for not unfre- quently the very first inquiry made, by one of these rapid movement men, the moment he enters the room, is, how quick he shall be able to get away again ; and, learning the time, off hastily he hies to his trade, with his attention so completely absorbed by the determination to do all he can in the way of business in the short time allowed before the departure of his A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 179 darling conveyance, that he is at once so dis- tracted by the numerous engagements which he has to fulfil in a limited period, that, wherever he happens to be, he is at the same time on the point of going somewhere else. He has there- fore a look of abstraction and hurry, but little calculated to enable him either to do business with comfort to himself or advantage to his employers. For the parties upon whom he waits, who intend to pay for what they buy, must be indulged with some little attentions ; and it is requisite, in many instances, from the existing competition, to call again and again to persuade, in order that they may succeed in effecting a sale. Indeed there are now but few certain customers, regularly to be depended upon, and a less number of isolated trades, which can enable a man at once to command attention ; for almost daily some person calls to offer the same description of goods ; and the old representative, not having the necessary time to devote, receives " no," for an answer, leaving to those who may more leisurely suc- ceed him the order he might himself have obtained if he had had proper time to dedicate to his business. There are, however, troublesome, thoughtless men in business, who do not know either the value of time or their own minds, and to whom 180 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF we often give a latitude rather than offer a restraint ; consequently, this evil more fre- quently arises from our own want of business habits, than from a disposition in the buyer to tantalize and annoy us. For he is not un- frequently a creature of our own creation ; let us therefore take to ourselves the blame when due ; and let shame rest upon the unworthy heads of those who would receive any member of our body uncourteously, treat him uncivilly, or trifle with that time which is to him of dou- ble value. A SELF-IMPORTANT, OFFENSIVE PIECE OF EMPTINESS. What a self-important aflected creature is this man ! And what a vacant, addle-headed dolt he looks like ! Yet his pretensions, like the ornaments he wears, are of a ghttering and varied description. Neither my memory nor my diary supplies me with an example having, as the disciples of Gall and Spurzheim would say, the bump or organ of self-esteem more fully developed, without the existence of some A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 181 other organ, property, or quality to guide, con- trol, or counterbalance it, than the character before me. What a misery and curse such a man must be to himself, too, leading a life of seclusion in the very heart of society. For his exalted notions of self-importance preclude the possibility of any one being regarded as upon an equahty with him ; consequently, having no friends, all his discourse is held with the de- pendants at the hotels, over whom, supposing himself entitled to it by payment, he exercises unlimited authority in a most repulsive and dictatorial style, with words singularly chosen, and delivered in a cramped, restricted, and offensive manner peculiarly his own. How objectionable to the quiet occupant of the com- mercial room is such bombastic display, and how annoyingly opposed to the comfort of those who adopt regularity as a system, must be the exercise of such extraordinary conduct, compared with a bearing of suavity, and the cordial, sincere, and friendly greeting between men whose occupation is the same, and who possess equal if not superior understanding, attainments, position, and respectability. While aiming at or practising airs of such absurd and irrational superiority, he makes himself a laughing-stock, and will leave the road as he entered upon it, without creating or cementing 182 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF a single friendship, unregretted, forgotten, or remembered only for his folly. Depriving himself, by his exclusiveness, of the friendship of men on the road, he finds few friends elsewhere ; for when at what he terms his home, between his journeys in the town from which he starts, he quarters at an inn ; and, having but little to do in the shape of business while there, except spending a few- hours daily at the counting house of the esta- blishment he represents, is of course able, dis- pensing with his ordinary companion, the blue bag, to ride the high horse to his heart's content. That the representing of a respectable firm is satisfactory, creditable, and honourable, and that the emolument thus derived may enable a man to be and feel comparatively independent, is unquestionable. This is praiseworthy, and to be applauded ; but for a man to suppose his own position superior to that of thousands of others, similarly circumstanced, is ridiculous and contemptible ; especially when we bear in mind, that it is for their conduct and actions that men are accountable to the world, or to the circle in which they move, and not for the extent of their possessions, or the importance of the house they represent. Such repulsive formality and rigidity of carriage— the display A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 183 of scents, jewellery, and dress — exclusiveness of manner and self-importance — have always, however, been associated with weak heads and shallow and contemptible understandings. And they proceed, not unfrequently, from inability to maintain a standing amongst men by the exercise of inherent good qualities, which, not possessing, they cannot exhibit. They idly seek, therefore, by pomp, ostenta- tion, and display, to make a figure in the world for which they were not destined. THE " BOOTS" AT A HOTEL. White Lion, Nottingham. — What an invalu- able appendage to an inn is a good slave of all-work, commonly ycleped the " boots." And what a peculiar sample of that class of biped we have at my present quarters. " Yes, Sir !" and " No, Sir !" with a leer and clumsy elevation of the hand to his ever-steaming- with- perspiration cranium, are as mechanically said and done as though regulated by a power over which he possesses little or no control. Passive 184 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF obedience and non-resistance, united to toiling days and sleepless nights, are his perpetual and unchanging doom, and that of all his com- peers. Profitable, certainly, is his occupation, and so, truly, it ought to be. It affords an idea, as Franklin says, of how much may be done by husbanding trifles. The groat a day, six pounds a year, calculation of the new world Bostonian is beautifully corroborated by the fact of Nottingham Jerry's having accumulated, by scraping together his twopences and three- pences, or more, in proportion to the service required, a sum very considerable, or I may say large when we compare it with the award for services rendered by men who have received a good education, occupy important mercantile situations, and move in a sphere of respecta- bihty. The services of a "boots" are slavish and interminable, however, and deserve to be well remunerated. It would scarcely receive cre- dence, indeed, unless corroborated by facts too notorious to be doubted, that this man, who is only a common porter, possesses considerable pecuniary as well as other influence. He is at the beck and call of every trifier, ready, upon bended knee, with boot-jack and slipper, to draw the boot, or button or unbutton the A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 185 trowser-strap of the veriest puppy ; answer all his frivolous inquiries, loading or unloading gigs and phaetons, groaning under ponderous portmanteaus, and lifting too and from omnibus or coach huge packages, legibly marked " this side up," and consequently requiring increased strength and additional caution ; giving exact answers about the arrival and departure of every conveyance, information as to the des- patch and delivery of letters in connexion with every district ; running every moment to con- vey some message, brush some garment^ or perform some equally mean and subservient service ; yet this man is questioned also as to the position of persons' finances — supposed to know^ something: of the whereabouts of the merchandizing citizens — and is upon no mean footing with more than one of the principal bankers in the tow^n, and for wliom the bankers generally in the place would do more in the w^ay of accommodation than for an ordinary resident, or a stranger, no matter what his situ- ation or howsoever important his position in society. Speaking of bankers, Jerry deserves to be himself enrolled amongst that class of honour- able professionals ; for he has about him, day and night, and especially the latter, when he is more willing to accommodate, sufficient money, 186 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF Bank of England notes, and negotiable paper, to exchange checks, &c., to any moderate amount ; securing, of course, the ordinary- banker's commission to himself. Punctuality is one of his greatest boasts, and probably his greatest virtue. To this attention to little things, however, he is indebted for all his reputation, and for all his possessions, be they what they may. No commission was ever confided to him without his almost anticipating the request before it had been clothed in words, and without his little weasel eye confidently assuring you of its com- pletion even before it was commenced. Cun- ning, and self-possessed in no ordinary degree — working by his own peculiar mode — he will be certain to accomplish the desired end, not forgetting to satisfy you, by a smirk and a shrug, that he knows he can do it ; and although not positively or directly asking, certainly securing to himself, an additional remuneration from your being assentient to his ability. No matter how late you want him at night, or how early in the morning, there he is. The hours of six, five, four, three, are all alike to him when duty calls. And so sure as you wish to leave by an early conveyance, request- ing him to call you, so certain is he to prevent A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 187 your being left behind. If you locked your bed-room door, no matter at what time, under what circumstances, or in what condition you may have retired to rest, no peace is allowed till admission is obtained. Or if, perchance, you should have omitted to secure the door by lock or bolt, to prevent intrusion, unhesi- tatingly he enters with his dim lantern, your boots, and shaving water, requiring you to get out of bed (or, as he humorously says, " show a leg") or give some equal evidences of your being thoroughly awake. No better idea can be conveyed, I think, of the duty of a "boots" than the old and hack- neyed remark, said to have originated with this veritable Jerry, while addressing some crony upon the relative merits of his employers' and his ow^n labour, when he said, alluding to com- mercial men — " They eats, they drinks, they sleeps, they never works ! happy beggars ! I carries all their samples, posts all their letters, and does all their banking business. Happy beggars ! they never works !" 188 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF AN OFFENSIVE '^ TROTTING" SPECIMEN— MR. JOHN CHAFFER. John Chaffer here, still " going the whole hog," and giving way to his old propensities. AVhen will he learn wisdom ? How long will society bear to be tormented with his unmeaning repeti- tions, and unwise saws ? Will they for ever be tolerated ; or will he not himself see the neces- sity of putting on the man, and forsaking his boyish tricks ? How much to be regretted it is, that his assurance is not aided by the ability to see through the shallowness of his proceedings as others see through and are disgusted with it. If he reflect at all, what a poor consolation it must afford him, should success attend his frivolous and vexatious aim to render a young and inexperienced man unhappy, by putting a chain of rude and impudent questions, which only his modesty as a junior permits him to answer. Indeed nothing can be more con- temptible than the affectation of being witty or facetious at the expense of any one not upon equality with yourself, either in years, appear- ance, or understanding, or gratifying an idle inclination by laughing at or ridiculing the A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 189 weakness or infirmities of others by way of diverting a company. There cannot be a greater cruelty or ferocity, or anything more degrading to a man, than, merely with a view of displaying his own superiority, his putting upon, or taking unbecoming liberties with, one whose humility or respectful feeling will not allow him to retaliate. Instead of any mixed company's deriving pleasure from such a pro- cedure, they will conceive a disgust for any man who can afford thus cheaply to trifle with the feelings of an inoffensive individual ; consi- dering that no longer a joke which is indelicate and indecent, howsoever it may be associated with wit and humour ; for society, as a body, is more sympathetic, or more bold to speak out, than individuals ; and the probability is, as I have often seen, that it will rather laugh at the jester than at him upon whom an un- seemly jest is made. The jester runs the risk of making many enemies ; for nothing can so offend a man whom you may perchance be often meeting as "trotting" him upon a first acquaintance. Above all other things in the world, he cannot pardon a liberty taken thus with his inexpe- rience, but will maintain through life an embit- tered feeling of hatred towards the perpetrator of the affront, which no after forbearance or 190 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF explanation can atone for. The day for such unmanly trifling has passed away. By men in possession of their right senses it is generally repudiated ; while noble minds treat it with the contempt it merits, as the offspring of a puerile, uninstructed, feehle intellect, having nothing else to fall back upon. Wit of this contracted nature is, nevertheless, very often dangerous in its results, since it occasionally enables men to play the ape with greater confidence. But a proper value is placed upon their buffoonery. There is no creature, indeed, so troublesome and contemptible as one of these silly indivi- duals, who, in the poverty of his soul, can be thus amused and struck exceedine:lv with affairs of utter insignificance ; finding occasion to be captious or delighted about trifles, while pos- sessing only the single talent of talking over- much, and aiming at the possession of others to which in reality they have not the slightest pretension ; always, however, giving utterance to an abundance of words without positively saying anything. Such persons are never to be depended upon as friends, either, not even by those whom they are pleased to denominate such, howsoever close their alliances may seem to be, through social and convivial meetings, for no one can tell when they are sincere. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 191 The man who will strain every nerve to practise upon the credulity of his associate, affecting an air of sincerity, presuming upon his good nature while endeavouring to undermine his reputation, by uttering in the presence of strangers (although playfully) that for amuse- ment which is untrue, and uncalled for, does him and society an injury irreparable. And howsoever acceptable such a person may for a short time be to a small circle, as a mimic or a wag, being a fair bottle companion, incessantly repeated exposure of his small stock will soon tire even the most indulgent auditory. Like a piece of mechanism, he has his prescribed limits, soon runs himself out, and then requires winding up to a certain pitch by stimulants, that he may commence anew the accustomed round. Can anything be imagined more absurd ? How opposed to the habits and practices of a genuine business man is such folly, to give it no harsher a term ! What can he be thinking of? Or does he ever think at all? If not, let me tell him that the world at large thinks for him — or at least his own immediate circle — and does not fail to put a proper estimate upon his conduct and character, stamping him at once as little better than a buffoon, who is continually by his antics and remarks exciting a broad grin, grinning himself the while, the Merry Andrew of a company. 192 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF A LOW, VULGAR SPECLMEN. The commercial room, this evening, all in an uproar ; a dark, broad-set, dirty and ill-bred, Jewish looking fellow — but a man of straw, and a vender of that commodity — disturbing the whole house. A gentleman who had occa- sion to go to his bed-room, which he had seen upon his arrival, in the early part of the day, was astonished to find that the dark, disagree- able man had, ad interim^ taken possession of it — having taken the liberty also of exchanging the luggage. Upon learning this, down stairs the justly enraged party quickly sent him, with his luggage tumbling after him, to meet with no more pleasant a reception from those who heard of his presumption and rudeness, and the un- warrantable conduct of which he had been guilty. He boasted, however, of his self- importance and respectability, in a manner very unlike a genuine man of property, or w^hat we ordinarily undej'stand by the term gentleman, and styled himself a principal ; declaring, in a noisy, blustering strain, his determination to be revenged. He retired, however, to the smoking room to exhibit and carry on his bullying propensity before the quiet inhabitants of the town, its usual occupants. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 193 but they found him out there, and cried him down ; for he bears too visibly the mark of the beast upon his forehead, and is unmistakeable as a low, shallow, noisy fellow ; and there is in his person as well as in his manner something extremely offensive and forbidding. He is a heavy, dull, frigid looking man, all smoke, por- ter, choler, and bluster ; that sort of captious, knowing, cunning, consequential, rude, and thoroughly disagreeable individual sometimes met with, who occasionally, for a few days only, leaves his home and pot companions at some third or fourth rate smoke-pipe house in the town from which he hails ; a resort where bagatelle and skittles, provincial scandal, poli- tics, and beer inspire the guests with that air of swagger and self-consequence which is utterly repulsive to all who are accustomed to decent society. To-night, however, he could not " rule the roast," for he was recognised by one amongst us as the very character I have here described, as low, vulgar, depraved, and gro- velling a creature as the sun deigns to shine upon. When addressed by his name, he immediately lost caste, and thought it better to retire self-condemned than to receive the castigationdue from those whom he had insulted, and from whom he would have been visited by his true deserts had he ventured to remain. K 194 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF A BiVR-M AID'S DESCRIPTION OF A^SITORS TO AN HOTEL. Met this morning with a gem in its way — one, indeed, of which I had never imagined the existence — memoranda from the pen of an ac- tive, inteUigent, well connected young lady filling the situation of a bar-maid at one of the principal, almost exclusively commercial, hotels in a small market town, the capital, however, of a county situated nearly in the centre of the kingdom. Her production, which I happen to possess, consists of a book with the names, alphabetically arranged, of the visitors with whom she is acquainted, the periods of their visits, the description of their business and per- sons with whom it is transacted ; the places from which they issue, the houses they re- present, and their position as principals or representatives ; leaving a space for those who are strangers to her and to the establishment, or who may be only occasional visitors. It does great credit to her capacity ; for observa- tions so sensible and acute, or remarks more shrewd, bearing immediately upon individuals who could never have been thought likely to arrive at the honour of pourtrayment (having A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 195 been intended only as a guidance for herself, regarding the frequenters of the hotel) it has seldom fallen to my good fortune to meet with. In availing myself of these brief comments of the fair writer, I shall — avoiding all personalities — select a few sketches, which, although apply- ing particularly to individuals, are nevertheless equally applicable to a host ; so that a conscious- ness of being the party alluded to will rather cause the self-condemned to laugh with those who laugh, than to feel chagrined at the preco- cious talent of the lady who, continually engaged in and surrounded by scenes of activity, can have had but little time or opportunity for re- flection. Yet she has put her mark, as it were, upon individuals and circumstances ; showing the necessity of placing a watch on our move- ments and conduct, since the observers of men and things may, when we least suppose it, be contemplating our diurnal motions and noc- turnal amusements or enjoyments, with the view of immortalizing us in their diary. Of the truth of this, the following memoranda, all made within a single month, the year of which shall be mentionless, will be sufficient evidence. February \st. — Gent. A stranger. Tall, lathy, very pale. Ordered gruel. Sore throat. Ominous. 4th, Friday. — A dark old Roman Catholic k2 196 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF here to-day — Friday. Wanted fish. Could not procure it. Pined himself, and punished us. Been here before. Always grumbling. Qth. Gent. A stranger, with I. H. horse. His first journey. Rather green. Squints. Went to church. Sat in our pew. Very awkward at finding the service. 7th. Tall gent. Came in late. Said he had lost his way, and driven six miles round. The house full. Shown into No. 14 bed-room. Complained in the morning bitterly, both of the smallness of the room and bed. Said his legs w^ere out of the window. Does business with drapers. 8 /A. A thin dandy, ah-ah-ah gent. Blue eyes. Rather sandy large whiskers. Been here before. Wicked. Stopped out very late. Tried to learn his name, by showing him several letters, none of which, however, be- longed to him ; consequently foiled. Will try again though. \Oth. Gent. Very young. A diminutive, band-box man : very talkative ; fond of coming into the bar; rather pug-nosed, and always pugnacious. \2th. A fair, fat, disagreeable old man. Been here before. Wears a bag-wig. Sub- ject to fits. Very troublesome, and very penurious. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 197 13fA. Gent. Tall, dark ; very pleasant. Fond of poetry. Wrote in my album. Offered me his arm to church. Accepted it. Sat in the corporation pew. 1 5th. A good tempered, stout old gentle- man. Been here before. Laughs all over his face. Sat up late. Got very merry. Com- plained of his head in the morning. Drank soda water in his bed-room. Ominous. 17 th. — Young gent. Quaker. A teetotaller. Walks most of his journey. Started at four o'clock in the morning. " Boots" complained of the amount left him ; so did all the other servants. A regular economiser. I9th. — Gent, with his wife, a Jewess. Wears glasses. Rather deaf. Sells chandeliers. Never been here before. Lady very disdainful ; but a handsome figure, and beautifully dressed. 21 5^. — A fidgety, sallow-complexioned gent. Drove from the S . Said he had been insulted. Then wished to see all the bed- rooms. Selected No. 2, being disengaged. Mrs. B. sadly annoyed, upon learning, from Mary Chambermaid, that he carried, and wished to substitute for her good fine clean home-spun linen sheets, coarse cotton, not over cleanly ones, which he always had with him, and wished to have well aired. To which our hostess ultimately submitted, but very reluc- 198 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF tantly, and only out of a spirit of hostility to her neighbour. Sufficient has here been selected to enable us to judge of this production. And all will do well to avoid, by consistency and rectitude, a mark of disapprobation from the pen of this and similar annotators on men and manners. MR. TATTING LACEM. Crown Hotel, Swaffham, Nov. 1844. — Drove in about six o'clock in the evening, delighted with the cheerfulness with which his horses (which he said were nearly worn out from the badness of roads for days past) had, through the solidity occasioned by the frost, drawn along their ponderous load. Old Time works great changes in all things terrestrial ; and he has just — but only just — touched this my much respected friend. An accident which occurred a few years since — that of unfortunately breaking his left leg — has added apparently to his age by a little decrepitude of gait ; but the mind — the man, in all his other attributes — remains unaltered, A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 199 equally vigorous, and not less inclined to divert and amuse. His courteous deportment, and the running smile of his good old face, which seems incapable of wearing a rigid aspect, and his determination to produce the hearty laugh, and sing the jovial song, and lighten life of half its cares, still render him the sun of every cir- cle, and win and will win him many friends. He is a pattern, indeed, for all who may toil as members of the commercial body, being without pride (only that becoming pride so requisite to be maintained by all who aspire to the character of gentleman) without pretension, easy of approach, affable and free, willing to afford instruction and information when required, and upon general subjects of conver- sation competent to take a leading part. Never captious, what he says is generally much to the purpose, and he is always listened to with attention and respect. Of the fruit of knowledge he well knows the sweets, having gathered it for himself; but never, through a series of years, appearing to neglect the principal business of his life, the earning of his daily bread ; and I never saw a man engaged in any occupation who more zealously, or apparently well contented with his toil, performed his various duties. And what astonishes me much is, how a man whose 200 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF occupation is so arduous, and whose corres- pondence is so voluminous, can have found time to collect information so various, instruc- tive, and amusing, and to throw it into prose or verse, as occasion may require. This tends to show, however, that the human mind when properly governed, and the habits of man when correctly systematized, are in any situation capable of a much higher degree of cultivation than is usually imagined. My friend Lacem, however, is one of those favoured few who, if not overruled by circumstances, have an apti- tude for study, for the production of light and touching verse ; and the perusal of his pub- lished popular songs, entitled "The Bashful Bachelor," " The Ladies, Heaven bless them !" "Pity Little Sue" — and indeed the more laughable though earliest of his effusions, " All Round my Hat," present a very fair idea of the vein of wit, humour, and pathos with which he is blest. His customers every where receive him warmly, and are happy in the enjoyment of his society, independent of business ; and but for his determination to dine at his hotel, and make his quarters what I am afraid they will not long be (either from the ilHberality of houses of business or the growing parsimony and lessening of expenditure of representatives) A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 201 he might daily partake of their dinners and other hospitalities. But, no ; he too much values comfortable, respectable, and even ex- pensive commercial accommodation, and is always anxious, consistently but not extrava- gantly, to give the hotel keepers his support. The wives and daughters of Mr. Lacem's clients never omit to teaze their husbands and papas to invite him, and seize eagerly the op- portunity of enjoying a social pleasant evening, surrounded by especially invited friends, and deriving '^ lots of mirth " from the happy ebul- litions of their periodical visitor. They listen, indeed, with astonisliede ars and aching sides, to the puns and witticisms of the dear, de- lightful, funny Mr. Lacem. His morality, too, is unimpeachable; and, previously to his taking a sharer of his joys and cares a few years since, maids and matrons were alike committed to his charge, and protected with a sacredness which did credit to his head and his heart. Children, however — now his own — engross his peculiar care, although not all his thoughts. And what we know of him as a friend, we can conceive of him as a husband and a father. May his son, of whom he is justly proud, make a better man than this his sire, and I live to record his equally manly doings. k3 202 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF INCONVENIENCES AND NUISANCES, THROUGH THE \YANT OF ACCOMMODATION AT THE SPETCHLEY OR WORCESTER RAILWAY STA- TION. Alighted at the Spetchley or so called Wor- cester station of the Bristol and Birmingham Railway, about half-past eight on a blowy rainy night, and detained more than an hour for want of a conveyance to the town, a distance of four miles over a hilly and unusually uneasy road. At length, we started, in a low and badly con- structed omnibus, which, included in the rail- way charge, is provided by the company ; but, being contracted for at a poor remunerating price, is badly conducted ; and it was nearly eleven o'clock before we reached the city. In addition to want of conveyances, there is a deficiency of assistance at this station for the traffic : and they who are anxious to secure anything like a comfortable seat are compelled to act as their own porters — ladies not excepted. Having several carpet bags and a portmanteau to look after, and to load myself, in the rain, I was exhausted and annoyed ; and I do not re- member ever to have suffered more severely, or ever to have had, for a short time, my patience and temper more worn out, my body A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 203 ^ more crushed, or my toes more trodden upon. A conveyance or two had previously left, over- laden within and without, and we were in con- sequence compelled to jam and pack in those who otherwise must have been left behind, and w^io were equally entitled to ride, till the lumbering vehicle was filled to suffocation. The rain fell copiously, too, and humanity prompted us to endeavour to accommodate all, till the last comers, from want of room, being unable to settle or shake themselves down into a seat, were compelled to stand, seizing the shoulders of the seated to maintain their posi- tion amid double rows of knees. The drainings from wet umbrellas trickled coolly down our legs ; and the jostling and shaking of the " buss" brought their bulky bodies and satu- rated garments upon our laps, while punish- ment was every instant inflicted upon our feet and corns ; till, infuriated wdth pain, fatigue, and a sense of suffocation, it could be no longer borne, and they were unceremoniously jostled or thrown upon the patience of their opposite neighbours, to be subjected, in double quick time, to a similar ejectment ! At last, utterly unable to maintain their equilibrium, and left in total darkness, self-preservation being in an omnibus as well as elsew^here the first law of nature, punishment of any sort to relieve self 204 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF was inflicted, without the possibiUty of retalia- tion or recognition. We were more than an hour and a half performing the distance ; and to me, and probably to my companions in sufiering, never did time or distance seem so long, or was the misery of riding so complete. Rather than subject myself to a similar infliction again, I would, were no conveyance to be pro- cured, walk barefoot. I will endeavour to pre- vent, in future, so imprudent and glaring an evil, by exposing the wretched parsimony of a protected, grasping, monopolizing railway pro- prietary, at the expense of popular feeling and justice ; assuring the parties concerned, that public accommodation and comfort must and will be had to a much greater extent, or the public, despite the monopoly, will withdraw their support » A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 205 MR. CICERO RATTLEAWAY— AN ECCENTRIC. January 30, 1845. — Reached the Cross Hotel, Oxford, about 11 a.m., and found there Mr. Commissioner Cicero Rattleaway, whose equipage, or coach, as I must call it, perfectly astonished me. It is a complete commercial vade mecum, which contains, admirably arranged — having " a place for everything, and every- thing in its place" — samples from no fewer than five or six-and-twenty houses for whom he trans- acts business, generally speaking with printers, stationers, or bookbinders. His carriage, or coach, or whatever he may call it, is in size and shape precisely mail-coach-like, weighing, when laden, very little less than two tons. In this, with a pair of post-horses, and in heavy weather sometimes four, he makes or pays an annual visit to every town in England, and I believe Scotland. His conveyance is provided with no fewer than ^YQ lamps (so that, when lighted up, it appears a perfect Argus) having a seat behind, guard-like, surrounded by a leopard-skin, where sits enthroned his tiger, who, accom- panied by a long tin horn which has been well tuned to produce the note of Her Majesty's 206 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF servant in scarlet livery, never fails to produce for him a clear course. He frequently carries with him a secretary also, united more closely than ordinary dependents of that class, and although not a better man than the master, evidently a much larger better half. To return, however, to his machine. In its front, on each side, are suspended, in addition to the rifle or fowling-piece in the custody of his Man Friday, holsters for a brace of horse pistols ; and horizontally, beneath the dash- board, lies comfortably ensconced a sword, so massive and so large as to be certainly of more ornament than use, from being too unwieldy to be handled in self-defence even by the united efforts of our muscular but nevertheless diminutive friend and his more slender coad- jutor. On the top of his drag he carries a ladder, well turned and finished, of about twelve staves, with which he is enabled speedily to arrive at anything upon the roof. In a box hung on behind is a wheelbarrow of iron, light and well constructed, after his own approved style. In this his numerous samples are con- veyed from client to client, by his ow-n *' boots." His order-book, encased in tin, of nearly a yard length, is in perfect keeping with the chaise ; for in that each party has allotted a certain space, so arranged as to be immediately A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 207 found, and only so far a fixture as to answer the purpose for the time required, when with ease disposing the orders to each house for the day, they are instantaneously removed. Ex- acting no time to copy, they are placed in an envelope, with remarks, and sent at once to their destination ; tliereby preventing delay, and greatly facilitating business. So eccentric and laughter-loving, however, is Mr. Kattleaway, with all his business, that, to attract attention in passing through a town, he not unfrequently hoists a flag upon the roof of his conveyance, blowing the before-mentioned horn, to the no slight amusement and interest of the gazers after the curious and eccentric passers-by. These appendages, combined with his own and servant's peculiarity of dress (each generally wearing a red waistcoat and military cloak) complete the distinguishing display of this remarkable man. Now, however, for the man himself. And where the subUme and the ridiculous are so blended, as in the present instance, I shall fail to render justice to an individual, presenting so much of the former, yet so imbued with the latter as to exhibit almost a neutral tint. Indeed, that which in others would be deemed absolutely ridiculous, is in him tolerably passable ; for his sole aim is to provoke laughter ; and, immedi- 208 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF ately after a volatile ebullition, he calmly settles down to a quiet repose. Instantaneously, and as it were by magic, — quick of apprehension and clear in intellect — witty and acute — he enters into a lucid explanation of some popular subject, astonishing his hearers with the bright- ness of his perception and his volubility of speech. Thus, in despite of his many erratic flights, he is a sensible, intelligent, shrewd, hard-working, industrious man. Had his ver- satile talent been directed to the bar, indeed, with an education in accordance with his natu- ral ability, he would have occupied even there no mean position. For he is endowed wdth unusual gifts, possesses an ample soul, wit of no mean order, much general information, and an evenness of temper that I have rarely seen surpassed. Indeed, if deficient in any valuable quality, it is in discretion. I am not aware of a single enemy that he has made throughout a long career ; but can, on the other hand, enu- merate a host of those who are proud of his friendship — avowing myself one of the number. May I meet him again, and often ! for I am persuaded that every time I may be so favoured, I shall make an agreeable addition to my general stock of " useful knowledge." A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 209 DECISION OF A CASE BEFORE THE LORD CHIEF BARON, PROTECTING COMMERCIAL TRAVELLERS. Dec. I4th, 1845. — The Sun of yesterday furnishes me with a decision, made in a case tried before a common jury, during the sittings at Nisi Prius, by the Lord Chief Baron in the Court of Exchequer, so immediately affecting the interest of commercial men as to be well worth recording, for the guidance of those who may be similarly circumstanced to the plaintiff in the action. The plaintiff, it appeared, had been dis- charged by the defendant, his employer, with- out either due notice, or the payment of a quarter's salary, according to the terms of agreement, in consequence of said employer becoming a bankrupt. The decision proved the law to be in favour of the employed. This may not be generally known, and when more fully understood may prevent litigation and expense both annoying and unprofitable ; and the more so, since the servant may have after opportunities of aiding and serving the master, redounding as much to the credit and respect- 210 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF ability of the principal as justifiable on the part of the representative. This was an action of assumpsit, brought by the plaintiff, a commercial traveller, to recover from the defendant, a manufacturer, for a breach of contract, the amount of a quarter's salary ; to which the defendant pleaded, deny- ing altogether his liability. The plaintiff, it would appear, had been employed by defendant as a traveller ; but a short time ago, the defendant being on the eve of bankrujDtcy, he, the defendant, at once dis- charged his representative, without paying him a quarter's wages, or giving him a quarter's notification of his not having any further occa- sion for his services, which it had been pre- viously agreed he should do, before he could be at liberty to terminate the engagement. For the defence it was urged, by Mr. Peters- dorff, that the plaintiff, on discovering that his employer was in pecuniary difiiculties, having had the offer of another situation, solicited his discharge, knowing that the defendant would have no further use for his services ; and that the defendant, knowing that there was a situation open to the plaintiff, consented at once to put an end to the contract which existed between them ; declaring, at the same time, his non- liability for the additional quarter's salary. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 211 The Lord Chief Baron, however, in summing up, told the jury that insolvency or bankruptcy was no answer to an action for a servant's salary. But in the present case, he would recommend for their consideration the amount of damages ; for the defendant protested that he discharged the plaintiff for the advantage of the plaintiff himself. But it was for the jury to decide, whether he had done so or not. Generally speaking, it was much to the disad- vantage of a person to be suddenly dismissed from his employment ; but it often happened that the disadvantage was much less in one case than in another ; and he thought that the jury, in assessing the amount of damages in the present action, should be guided by the disad- vantages which had resulted to the plaintiff. The jury, however, after a very short con- sultation, returned a verdict for the plaintiffs for the full amount of the quarter s salary ; the judge fully assenting to the justice of the decision. 212 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF / A HYPOCRITE— MR. YORKSHIRE MAWWORM. Found black Barnsley Mawworm playing the hypocrite as usual ! How effectually, for years, has this man preserved his disguise, putting on an appearance of humility as a cloak to his vice ; and how easily gulled have hundreds been by his wdieedling artful insinuation, and studied plainness ; his pride humbling itself only with the view of being more readily exalted. His unceasing affectation of goodness indeed, without its possession, has far more often met with a reward from the world— so completely has the disguise been effectual — than the practice of virtue and goodness with- out vain ostentation. But the time for such display amongst men of business is passing off to the things that were, and cannot now, even by the professedly religious, meet with tolera- tion. No ; value received is the present stan- dard of friendship in the commercial world, and not a particular religious or political bias. Goods, not men ; sincerity, not hypocrisy and cant ; performance, and not profession, are now the basis of prosperous respectable com- merce ; and nothing short of these will answer. A COMIMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 213 Mawworm's old and studied practice of con- demning the immorality of the business world is no longer of any avail. Neither are his preten- sions to expose trickery and chicanery, only to enable him, when opportunity may offer or in- terest serve, to pursue them with more conveni- ence and advantage to himself. Ever appearing to have at heart the interest of his credulous friend, selfishness was at the bottom of all his motives ; and the only object he had in view in seeming to do good was, that he might achieve harm with more security. But they who have been easily deceived once, will not a second time, in these days, allow their credulity to be imposed upon. Mawworm, in fact, so incessantly over- shoots his mark — thrusts in his hypocritical cant, obtrudes his advice, reproof, and what he conceives to be instruction, gratis and unsoli- cited, that his name, invariably associated with dissimulation and insincerity, has become a byword, a term of contempt and scorn. Nor were his catechisings and lecturings accustomed to end with his clients. Even the commercial room has often, when he dared take the liberty, been the scene of his endea- vour to check the progress of exhilarating conversation ; which, though without the slightest taint of vice, he severely censured, affecting to regard it as sinful to indulge in a 214 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF hearty laugh, even while he himself lost sight of that ri'gid and unmistakeable portion of Holy Writ, which declares that he, the hypo- crite, who sinneth (as he is known perpetually to sin) will be chastised by Him Who is the Searcher of hearts, and Judge of motives. His disposition to correct the occasional Sunday letter-writer, and irrespectively take to task the young or old for quietly, on a Sunday, driving an early stage, with the view of assist- ing, or dividing the distance for, a fatigued and overworked horse, is not only uncalled for but impertinent and disgusting ; especially when it is borne in mind, that he would himself, over and over again, do the same thing, without so pardonable a pretext. Selfishness is his ruling passion ; and economy and meanness have repeatedly induced him, with a view of evading the trifling additional expense of a Sunday dinner, to drive into some small town or nook where, after making due inquiry as to the ordinary place of worship of his customers, he would thrust himself into their pew at church or chapel, and almost unsolicited make their house his home ; thankful that he had put his business in a train for speedy despatch on the following morning. His affected piety and laboured plainness and simplicity of speech and dress, his close- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 215 cut, straight-combed hair, his plain but stu- diously tied cravat, and countenance demure, have had their effect for a time, however, and proved more successful with som.e than the genuine straightforwardness of the open- hearted, freely-spoken man, who is all that he appears to be, without any overstrained, me- thodistical affectation. We have, nevertheless, after years of ex- perience, arrived at the conclusion, that the latter character will wear longest, secure the greatest amount of comfort and satisfaction, and gain the largest number of good, faithful, sincere, and genuine friends and customers. MR. BOWTON STEADY— A MODEL OF INDE- FATIGABLE PERSEVERANCE. GUstraps Hotel Neivark, March 28, 1845. — Worthy, indefatigable, Bowton made his ap- pearance just after the removal of the cloth from the dinner table ; regretting he had not arrived earlier to be one of us, but consoling himself from the circumstance of his having 2] 6 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF been better employed — or more profitably en- gaged. Contented with the lukewarm remains of the usual ordinary, he sat down at a small table in the corner of the room by himself, seemingly happy at having escaped the regular hour; grudging the time — certainly not the expense ; and scarcely had the general party separated before he had satisfied the cravings of his appetite, and exemplified the old and hack- neyed adage of " quick at meals, quick at work ;" for his cruet of wine was consumed, keeping pace with the viands ; and, without loss of time, rising hastily from his chair, he bustled round the room to look for and collect together his various " swatches,'' with which he so burdened himself as to give an additional curve to his already rounded shoulders. For the right hand assisted the left arm to take into its clutch a largish paper parcel, and the right arm, to keep a balance, I suppose, took another parcel a thought larger in size ; after which, each hand, encircled by a broadish ribband or tape, grasped a large blue bag, much the worse for wear from having been continually over-crammed and over- weighted. Then, requesting some one would be kind enough to open the door, on steadily he moved, like an Atlas under the globe, to see his numerous customers. As he passed by the window, we perceived various contortions of A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 217 the mouth and face, produced no doubt by the twitching of the strings ; but still he looked cheerful, and went about his work so as at once to convince every beholder that he w^as really a man of business. For nearly a quarter of a century (a great portion of which time I have had the pleasure of his acquaintance) has Bowton perambulated through the country in his present capacity ; and although not always a favourite of Fortune, in having the best or most liberal houses to represent, he has always been equally indus- trious and deserving, and at last Providence has so blessed his perseverance as to place him where he proves a valuable acquisition to no mean firm, who well know how both to value and reward his excellent services. For, as a salesman, he is active and energetic, using nevertheless quiet but persuasive language ; and having a sober aspect, and grown grey in the service, although not beyond the meridian of life, he can, without boring, being well sup- ported, command attention and effect sales in less time and more efficiently than many who are more eloquent and pressing, and have youth and other advantages on their side. As an example for aspirants to respectability of position, who have commenced a commercial career, he stands pre-eminent, and well deserves L 218 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF to be handed down to posterity as a model of what a commercial man should be. Never throwing away his time, he is perpetually occu- pied, w^hether in or out of the room. There are seasons when he, as well as ourselves and others, from the probable short absence or en- gagement of a customer, cannot "progress" to his satisfaction ; but all these intervals are filled up, either by throwing out, or adding to, or re- arranging his samples, or copying his orders, or the single order as he receives it, supposing he may have taken but one, to prevent the possibility of his being so hurried at post time as to cause him to omit anything he ought to remember, or to lose a post — for he writes daily — or arranging his cash accounts, pre- paring his remittance, or forwarding his circu- lars. All this, w^ith the rapidity with which he gets over the ground, facilitates his business amazingly. What he is in point of industry when on his journey, I have been an eye-witness to also in the warehouse ; where, though not compelled, he voluntarily, during the busy season, if at home for a few days only, having the interest of his employers at heart, is engaged from nine in the morning till five or six in the evening. Anxious to see those w^ho pay their periodical visits to London, and to supply the wants of his A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 219 various friends himself, he fags hke an ordinary warehouseman. The letters and correspondence in connexion with parties on his own ground, and the other duties of the counting-house, he takes no common interest in ; and his em- ployers, placing a high value upon his services, have enabled, and are still enabling him to support, educate, bring up, and put into good situations, a large family, wlio will I trust know how to value the blessing of so good a father, and allow him to end his days in peace, relieved from the toils and anxieties of commerce, and leaving them to profit by his excellent example. DINING REGULATIONS. Sunday, Fleece Hotel, Cheltenham. — Arose rather earlier than usual for Sunday morning, and strolled all alone up to Pitville Spa, when, after pacing for an hour or more up and down the avenues of trees and the many delightful walks with which this magnificent watering place abounds, I returned to " mine inn" about nine o'clock to "break my fast." Out of l2 220 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF eleven gentlemen in the house, two only beside myself had, by ten o'clock, partaken of this meal ; for there is no set period to the taking of breakfast in a commercial room, ev^ery one choosing his own hour, and catering to supply his own wants. At this time, from an inclina- tion to enjoy a precious morsel, or to satisfy a squeamishness of appetite produced probably from causes unexplainable, the properties of grills, kidneys, sausages, and eggs, with a variety of all seasonable productions under which the table groans, are canvassed, as adapted to the palate, or suitable to the sto- mach. One witty wag observed that some particular dish was "good for his complaint." And the breakfast was not finished, from the usual inclination of many to indulge a little longer on the Sunday, after the fatigue of the week, till nearly twelve o'clock. Before that time, however, preparations were made by a select few for going to church ; and they who were allied to dissent, and had the inchnation, went also to the various places professing their own peculiar tenets or sentiments ; previously canvassing and arranging, by mutual consent, the dinner hour for four o'clock, to suit the appetites and convenience of those who had breakfasted late, or had engagements to fulfil. The tables in various directions were through- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 221 out the morning strewed with the writing cases, driving boxes, papers, and books of gentlemen corresponding ; the married very properly de- voting the hour to an epistle of love to their wives, and others to their employers, &c. The evening newspapers, or Chronicle or Times, or the always acceptable witty, laughter-moving Punch, engaged the attention of others, who would occasionally, when coming to a pithy bit, without solicitation give those who chose to listen an opportunity of getting both news and merriment gratis. The usual weekday ordinary is served gene- rally about one, or varying from one to two o'clock, when those acquainted with the rules of the room take, without scruple, the one who has been the greatest length of time in the house, the head, and the last arriving the bot- tom of the table, without reference as to age, standing, or capabiUty, and are denominated respectively the president and vice-president, who for the time being are in possession of supreme authority. The tenor of conduct and conversation usually takes its standing from the respectability, effi- ciency, or inefficiency of the president ; and although it would seem more desirable always to have an experienced rather than an inex- perienced or young man in the chair, it is 222 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF positively requisite that the junior members of our fraternity should be initiated into the art of carving, and instructed to go through the usual routine of duties, which it occasionally falls to the lot of all men to discharge, whether at home, superintending the honours of the family table, or called upon to officiate and take an active part at any public festivity or private entertainment. Where, indeed, can they so well acquire a knowledge as under the tuition of men who have been subject to the same teachings, brought up in the same school, and who having for years practised anatomy with a carving knife, and become acquainted with the etiquette and usages of the commercial as well as other rooms, are able and always willing patiently to instruct. At dinner, being comfortably seated, with the first dish the president, consulting the palates of those around him, orders wine. And, challenging each one separately, usually his old and most valued friend first, he takes wine with all present ; they, in the interim, taking wine one with another as their friendships suit. Generally with the cheese, whatever the wine previously drunk may have been, he requests port to be brought ; when again, collectively, he gives another challenge ; and should it be the humour of any to avoid drink- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 223 ing, all certainly go through the ceremony by filling a certain portion, elevating the glass, and respectfully acknowledging first the presi- dent, then the vice, and afterwards each other, by a slight inclination of the head. Thanks having been returned, and the cloth drawn, the decanters are placed at the president's right hand, when the vice-president, anticipating his wants, and ever alive to his wishes or desires, rises to ring the bell, and again consulting the preference of the party in wine, orders the most approved, giving the usual loyal and other toasts, and passing the bottle till the quantity, making a pint to each individual, shall have been consumed, wiien, ordering the bill, all are at liberty to depart, after a due division declared, and corrected by the proper function- aries. Sunday, however, usually allows — commen- cing at a later hour — a longer time for dinner, and it is customary to exceed in some degree the usual quantitj?^ of wine. So it proved on this occasion; for the company was excellent, the dinner good, the wine superior, and the dessert first-rate. After an announcement of the quantity, one or two retired, when, during sundry "whips," with cheerful conversation by those who still remained, the evening whiled away, leaving at its close the pleasing recol- 224 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF lection that there are still in the commercial world some sunny spots, and that we had hap- pened this day to alight on one of them. | li^ j^l.^^ MR. STUMPING FAGG— A PLODDING JOHN BULL. Found Mr. Stumping Fagg enjoying as usual his glass of ale to a latish dinner (upon the retrenching principle of two meals a day) made off a beef steak, cooked after his own approved style, and onions, or as he calls them ingyans, and to me right savory they smelted ; but were awfully offensive to the olfactory nerves of an over fastidious minor or two. Fagg, neverthe- less, enjoyed them heartily ; for — pursuing his old system of "padding the hoof" — having, with tiny bag in one hand, stick or umbrella in the other, walked fifteen miles to economise time, not being able to wait for coaches, his appetite had experienced a regular whetting, and appeared to grow with what it fed on. His gastronomic powers, as usual also, excited my attention ; not so much, however, from the quantity consumed (and that, by the way, was A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 225 rather immoderate) as from the zest with which he ate it. It really did seem to him a dehcious — no. not morsel, for twice, to use a term ap- propriate to the commodity he vends, he had the dose repeated ! Then, Hcking his gills, smacking his lips, and ruhbing his hands with an air of satisfaction, he called for another jug of John Barleycorn, and drank it to the bottom at one pull without pouring into a glass ! The draught was apparently a grand refresher and restorative, for, pulling down his waistcoat with vehemence, he slapped his flattened hand upon his rotundity, ejaculating that which might be supposed his expression of gratitude or thanksgiving, the forcible and expressive monosyllable of, " There !" Mr. Fagg's mahogany looking countenance is indicative of health ; and his frame, from air and exercise, although not over bulky, solid as cast iron. His limbs are well turned, legs well put on ; and he is, above his fellows, vigorous and strong, and independent to a fault. Ab- sorbed within himself, utterly careless about everything and everybody that surround him, he is totally apathetic, and imperturbable to all things beyond. Heedless about recognising, ac- knowledging, or creating a friend ; plodding his own way in divergence from the common track ; full of likes and dislikes, crotchets and suspi- l3 226 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF cions, even to the supposition (no novel one, by-the-by) that innkeepers are dishonest ; and consequently he orders, nightly or daily, no niatter how long he may remain at an hotel, his bill of expenses for the time being ; squaring and arranging with everybody as he " pro- gresses ;" enjoying the proud satisfaction of knowing that, by economising, smoking, and physicking his customers for a quarter of a century or more, having all his family beneath his hat, he has probably within his pockets as much as will enable him to provide himself wdth bread-and-cheese and beer for life. Speaking of beer, where shall I look for so good a judge ? Experience, it is said, makes wise the ignorant ; consequently, so far as the juice of malt is concerned, my friend Fagg must be learned ; no man having probably given himself so much trouble (from John O' Groat's to the Land's End, be the house dignified by the appellation of Royal Hotel, or dubbed as a Tom and Jerry, by the expres- sive sohiiquet of the " Pig and Tinder Box" — through all the Lions, Red White and Gold — Heads of Kings, Queens, Statesmen, and Knaves — White Harts, Bleeding Hearts, with the thousands of other distinguishing marks of hostelries great and small) to find out the best tap. And few men are more delighted than he A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 227 is when able to induce any one (early or late, for it never comes amiss to him) to profit by his inquiries, accompanying them to the place of his research, when, to use his own language, he willingly "stands Sam." Throughout Wilts and Shrops, at the towns of Marlborough, Burton-on-Trent, Nottingham, and others cele- brated for prime strong October, he soaks his clay right heartily. And to pass by far famed Kennett, without tasting the pure and genuine malt and hop decoction, would affect him more than ten times told its value ; the retired, respectable old host most freely providing, gratuitously, his jorum, and happy in the recognition of his warm-hearted old friend and days-of-yore supporter. In ordinary his accents are firm, and conver- sation loud ; while his plainness of speech, bluntness of manner, honesty of intention, and John Bull determination, mark him as a charac- ter, but not an unacceptable one even to the more refined, fastidious, and modern traveller, despite his love of beer and a long walk to carry it off. Beer, however, is not the only beverage he takes ; but I never saw, nor heard of any one else who ever saw, that he was at all the worse for beer. 228 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF AN UNSUCCESSFUL REPRESENTATIVE— INJUS- TICE OF EMPLOYERS. That men by destiny are not alike fortunate is, I think, evident from the many untoward cir- cumstances which have chequered the career of more than one of our better deserving pere- grinating brethren. An instance of the truth of this position is substantiated by the state- ment of one of the most steady and industrious, and certainly most economical, but nevertheless unfortunate men engaged in a commercial occupation at this time before me. Adversity seems written upon his brow ; for all attempts at advancement have seemed only the more to have retarded his progress. And to listen to the detail of his series of woes, w^hich he is always anxious to lay before an old associate, and which no one, from the relief it evidently affords him, can decline, is truly distressing. To-day, he is much depressed at his inability to effect sales, or make progress, either to his own comfort or the satisfaction of his em- ployers, from whom he has received a regular badgering epistle ; and he declares his unfor- tunate failure does not arise from a w^ant of connection, or respectability of position with A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 229 men who have supported and who would still support him if he had goods of fair value to offer to their notice, but solely from the fact of the disinclination or inabiUty of his employers to meet the competition of the times. To hear him dilate upon the utter futility of his at- tempts to persuade his friends that no" house shall do the thing better (attempts that they have before listened to, and almost out of com- passion been induced to bear with, and acquiesce in) is heart-rending ; for they are immediately met, he observes, by the oft-repeated truth — that they would gladly give him an order, but can do so much better elsewhere. " We should be happy to give you a turn, as usual," is their strain, " but it is useless your making profes- sions which your people at home want the inclination to carry out, and friendship must cease in business matters where interest is concerned." Thus, consequently, he is left to chagrin and comparative despair, wholly incapable of ele- vating his position with his employers, from their determination to adhere to their ancient profits and principles, and hampering his efforts by compelling him to do business (or he could do none) with a class of men, hazardous, long- winded, and unsafe. His returns, rather than increasing, are in consequence perpetually fall- 230 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF ing off ; and he is not only daily incurring the displeasure of his principals but cutting up and destroying his only freehold — his old, long- standing, respectable connection — without the means, either immediate or prospective, of relieving himself, and is compelled to eat the little bread he earns in sadness, not daring to remonstrate or to complain. Being a repre- sentative from a house, and from a town indeed not celebrated for liberality, and having a large family dependent upon his small salary, almost always received in advance, he has no chance of extricating himself by the will which he possesses to give notice of relinquishing their service. On the contrary, he is bound, by a concatenation of circumstances, to submit to their oppression and injustice. How much the bearer of such hardships is to be pitied ; and how equally to be condemned is the grasping, unprincipled exercise of wrong on the part of his principals. Nine-tenths of the — fortunately seldom-occurring — defalcations which take place, indeed, may be traced to the illiberality and false economy of houses like his, who pur- sue a pinching determination to reduce salary and cramp expenditure ; not allowing even the ordinary amount which a man legitimately expends in the transaction of business from home, and which their trade ought consequently A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 231 to be able to defray. How annoying and heartbreaking to an honest right-minded man is the practice of such ruinous parsimony ; and how much to be desired it is, that the com- mercial body would rise, en masse, to crush the cruelty and injustice ; tending, as they do, to injure the character and position of the em- ployed, and preventing, as they also do, the possibility for a man, howsoever determined he may be to economise, either to maintain a con- dition of respectabiUty for the present, or to reserve anything (which every individual com- mercially employed is fairly and justly entitled to) for the probable loss of health which the innumerable dangers by which he is hourly surrounded expose him to, and the consequent certain approach of premature old age. The word " Dishonesty " ought to be branded upon the front of all who would attempt to procure a large amount of labour for a salary too limited for the support of a family, and for defraying tbe expenses which are well known to be unavoidable in a journey. They who compel a man to perform an over- strained given distance within a period too brief for its satisfactory accomplishment, the performance of which is fatiguing and wearying in addition to a certain increase of expenditure by its rapidity, and to wait upon an almost 232 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF exclusively ignorant and grudging third or fourth rate class of small-town customers, who can be brought to book and business, or made advan- tageous to the house, only by treating — to compel a man, I say, to go through all this drudgery, without proper remuneration and sufficient allowance for its requital, does amount to dishonesty, and they who exact it ought to be amenable to a law, not yet upon the Statute Book, for inducing defalcation. No wonder at the extraordinary change, and various departures from the good old usages and customs — the mean abstinence from ordi- nary necessaries — the falling off of comforts at hotels — " Boxing Harry " — and deviation in every possible way from the customary expen- diture — the admission of an illegitimate class of representatives — and numberless innovations on the room and on the road, which such a system involves, and the evils of which it, rather than the individual immediately con- cerned, is the parent. Such a system, indeed, is a crying evil, richly deserving, as it receives, the condemnation of all just and right-minded men. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 233 THE SELF-IMPORTANT SliOPKEEPER. All men in business meet with difficulties ; and trifling, self-important, frivolous, and vexatious characters, men commercially em- ployed have ever been doomed occasionally to come across : seldom, however, w^ithout an opportunity offering for overcoming (by the exercise of ability, judgment, and tact) in some instances the timidity and want of confidence, in others an unwillingness to change, but more frequently ill-founded prejudice in favour of some particular product, house, or representa- tive. But of all the miseries to which a com- mercial man is exposed, and of all the difficulties which he has to encounter, or evils with which he may have to contend, there is nothing at all to be compared to the vaunting, frigid, and contemptuous "No! I never buy of travellers,'^ uttered with an air of stolid self-sufficiency, which we sometimes, but, thank heav^en, very seldom, hear except from the lips of those who, apostate-like, would endeavour to destroy the very men that made them. Their aim, in this baseness and ingratitude, is to annihilate the idea of their having been originally nothing — 234 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF that they are indebted for their all — yes ! from the very foundation to the superstructure of their prosperity, and their commercial position and existence — to the confidence, liberality, kindness, and indulgence of mercantile houses, and all through the interposition and agency of the very men tliey would now spurn and treat with contempt — the energetic and deserving commercial body. Such men, however, find their proper place in the estimation of the trade generally ; and their visits to the markets, of which they arro- gantly boast, form, from the perpetual practice of their cunning and supposed superior know- ledge, drawbacks rather than advances to their prosperity. At those markets, even, they are attended by the evils which their supercilious, narrow-minded bearing and self-sufficiency de- serve. Nay, the very repetition of their visits (and they brag of making them every other week), heightens the unfavourable views which young men, managing, or having the control of departments, entertain towards such captious and contemptible beings ; preventing many a bargain from falling into their hands, and allowing no opportunity to pass without endea- vouring to thwart their inclination. In fact, they become antagonistic to their interest, and opposed to their general well-being. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 235 A person of the cliaracter described should carry himself back to the period of his shop- sweeping, shutter-moving, parcel-packing, and window-dressing commencement, and reflect upon his slowly-onward progress, and his joyous excitement on the merited approbation of a customer or of his master. His young am- bition was then fired by encouragement and a due meed of praise. At such seasons the im- pulses of young men are strong ; when a fitting approval will encourage, or the frozen austerity of a scrutinizing eye, or an unfeeling or illiberal remark, is sufficient to wound, and to check the advancement of the deserving. Such a man, I say, should reflect upon his own pro- gress, when, by his perseverance as a salesman, employing energetic and effective appeals to his customers, and convincing them, by argu- ment, to the satisfaction of his employer and the advancement of his own interest. Let him think of this, and he will form a truer estimate of the chagrin which young men experience on their ability and influence being called in ques- tion by a sneer, and their judgment and veracity opposed by a silent but contemptuous elevation of the nasal organ. He will then also feel that his own position is a false one ; and that the possession of either capital or character, per- mitting him to purchase goods well in the 236 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF market, does not at the same time, when asso- ciated with overbearance, austerity, and dis- play, render him either so tolerable, or allow him to be so generally respected, or well served, as the man with more limited means but a better head and heart. Let such a man con- sider how much he is indebted to a liberal commercial system of credit, when commencing his business career, comparatively without capital, and he W'ill then feel, if not lost to feeling indeed, that his success arose mainly or solely through the instrumentality of com- mercial travellers ; that he still owes the com- mercial body a debt of gratitude which it will take him a lifetime to repay ; and that the least acknowledgment which he can offer to the founders of his fortune is an agreeable re- ception and quiet gentlemanly deportment, with a due consideration for the value of their time, thanking them for that confidence in his in- tegrity, of which in some instances his very neighbours and friends were doubtful, and which at his commencement they certainly w^ould have been unwilling to concede to him. A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 237 LIFE INSURANCE AGAIN— A VOCIFEROUS ADVOCATE. Met George Beaver, still advocating zealously the interest of a National Mercantile Assurance Office. And he endeavoured pretty clearly to show the certainty of the success attending this society, and indeed the impossibility of its doing otherwise than paying both the share and policy holders handsomely. His arguments, generally, were tenable ; and there is one, a particular favourite, which he always employs, showing the number, general health, and great interest exercised by the commercial body, as moving agents, who are constantly making proselytes, and in numerous instances not anxious to tax the society for their services, but voluntarily giving up a portion of their time, and always with warmth, if not with great ability endeavouring to persuade the uninsured to become what he is pleased to denominate a respectable member of society. Few men would cavil either with Beaver or any other active advocate of an institution which aims so much at the alleviation of human misery, and providing for indigent friends, a widow or familv, after the toils of commerce. 238 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF shall have ceased, sufficient to enable them to live in a state of comfort and respectability. But I must say that I have heard many com- plain grievously at having continually thrust upon them, in and out of season, this subject, by more than one of these over- zealous advo- cates who usually engross all the conversation, and by continually over-straining the point rather detract from than add to its interest. Beaver, nevertheless, means well ; and he is in this, as on any other subject or business he takes in hand, a regular driver. His com- mercial transactions partake strongly of this feature. Indeed, he has no middle course ; and the whole business of his life seems to be one hurried attempt at accomplishing more — to give him full credit for his zeal — than can either come within the range of his talent or the grasp of his ambition. In argument, especially upon political subjects, he is warm, determined, and extremely vociferous ; and, being a Tory, he knows not why, gives no quarter to either Whig or Radical. Though evincing no force or soundness of argument to substantiate his assertions, he is exceedingly tetchy ; and, being unable to bear contradiction, he generally has his " say " without opposition, when his voice, which is usually rough, in- creases in hoarseness by his vehemence and A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 239 volubility of speech ; while his ardent, fierce, and passionate temper outstrips his prudence, and, knitting his brow with displeasure, he unfortunately too often indulges in invective. He is, however, although full of strange sympathies and antipathies, where he takes, a warm-hearted, kind, sincere friend ; and his full stature and manly figure effect much for him, independent of his respectable position as a representative of the largest house in the first and principal ornament of a man's habiliment. Altogether he enjoys a weight, despite his many peculiarities, which a lower stature and a smaller house would never have given him. THE WALKING DICTIONARY. Men learned and men illiterate — men without pretension, having merit — and men with pre- tension without ability, or means to back it ; and indeed of every cast of character, present themselves, at one time or other, to the ken of the travelling observer, in a much clearer point of view, from their being less fettered, in a 240 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF commercial room than in society more re- strained, or in any other of the various walks of life. They would furnish, to the racy pen of a Dickens or the unerring pencil of a Cruikshank, rich materials for its transcendent abihty ; amusement for readers of every mood, and every phase of mortal, from the sublime to the most ridiculous. So naturally developed, and in many instances so ostentatiously enforced and maintained, are the principles which men adopt, or line they chalk out for themselves, no matter how much opposed to reason and common sense, that they persuade themselves they are correct ; and, acting upon that belief, exhibit authoritatively all the various phanta- sies which, from time to time, we encounter. To-day I have been — I was about to say annoyed, but I do not know whether I may not rather say amused — at a peculiar exemplifi- cation of a political and religious bigot, and obstinate pedant, of the now almost obsolete positive old school. A more awkward two yards — good measure — of dogmatical material, or a more warped and twisted, self-sufiicient, self-important, self-conceited compound, in all that constitutes mind and body (I wish I could say soul also, but that is little, narrow, mean, contracted, or any other term you like, that may convey the idea of small, to be put into A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 241 competition with his hody) has scarcely its equal on or off the road. His propensity to dogmatise, catechise, criticise, elocutionise, and indulge his own dear opinion, which he deigns to idolize, have won for him the not unapt appellation of the Walking Dictionary . This lexicographical guide-post happens, un- fortunately, however, like many other mis- directors of the public, to have its information so illegibly shown forth as to prove nothing but a stumbling-block to inquirers, and those will- ing to be led or dictated to by it ; and nothing less, from its dilapidation, than an eye-sore and pubhc nuisance to spectators. When I say in- quirers, I should add inquiry is out of the question ; for, boring incessantly with his one- sided opinions, no one else has a chance of either eliciting or explaining anything ; and, to venture a contradiction would be absolute heterodoxy. Condemnation and annihilation, where he dares to take the liberty, are the fruits of an objection to his dogmas ; and having too little conimand of his temper to hold or listen to an argument — too illiberal to give credit for the least sincerity to an opponent — and wisely selecting juniors for his auditory, he ordinarily rattles on with his garrulity, free and unmo- lested, or, deprehending suddenly and unexpec- tedly an antagonist, and finding himself beaten M 242 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF by reason and common sense, he has recourse instantaneously to the most unjustifiable petu- lance, and descends to the most abject and contemptible of all features in an ,opponent — a cavilling about words, or their pronunciation. Nothing so delights him, in truth, as an op- portunity of exhibiting his skill as an elocu- tionist, and nothing certainly is more amusing than to be a listener to his diction. Lindley Murray, he says, or thinks, never knew half so much of derivation, pronunciation, accentu- ation, and punctuation ; and we are certain that no one who knows Murray by name even, can be more fully acquainted with misapplica- tion, misappropriation, and misrepresentation, than this tyro of learning and rhetoric, who is positively after all incapable of spelling (without a reference to his stereotyped pocket guide) more than a common-place word, and certainly unable either to pronounce correctly more than a monosyllable, or put together half-a-dozen decentlyconnected sentences, to convey an idea of his own peculiar crotchets. All doubt and uncertainty in himself, an old associate cannot recognise or catch him twice in the same mood ; and his advances, which at one time are affec- tedly cordial and over-acted, are at another so cool, distant, and insincere, as to leave anything but a favourable impression upon those willing, A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 243 upon occasion, to have his friendship. He is ever knitting his brow, elongating his mouth, looking daggers, speaking in inuendo, hesitating dislike, snarling, fretting, wheezing; and, in a wretchedly perturbed state of mind, com- plaining of everything, and satisfied with nothing; dictating alterations, raising objec- tions,, and because miserable and unhappy him- self, like the restless spirits of the nether world, endeavouring if possible to make others so. Such beings, however, are few and far be- tween in this day of enhghtenment, and are tolerated only because, being relics of antiquity, they are in some measure entitled to respect ; and as their continuance upon the road is likely to be brief, there is among the commercial body sufficient Christian charity to treat them only with the silent contempt they merit, not wishing to throw a cloud over the declining sun of even the most boisterous and objection- able creature of a day. m2 244 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF THE LANDLORD OF AN INN. How varied are the receptions, styles of enter- tainment, and salutations at departure, of the several proprietors of hotels, or commercial inns, throughout the kingdom ; and in what a multifarious way they manage their business, make provision for their friends, and regulate their conduct ; or address them^selves to their various guests and supporters, it will be in the recollection of every one accustomed to perambulate. The character which I here intend to pour tray will consequently, at once, be recognized by those acquainted with the road ; for there is no district or division of the kingdom w^ithout many such. It will be, nevertheless, requisite in some measure to individuahse, leaving of course the identity to the imagination. Inn- keepers generally have a tolerable rotundity. The subject of my present paper, however, is above the average in corporal obesity ; burly as a cask of his own XXX, with a Saracenic head and ponderous double chin ; apparently fed up w^ith smoking, drinking bitter beer, and better beverages, with a broad Pecksniff sort of frill always oozing from his waistcoat, a smirk A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 245 always upon his countenance, too doubtful to have the credit of sincerity ; an oily, soft sawder, Sam Slick sort of tongue; a wheezy, self-satisfied, but suppressed horse-laugh ; and one general mode of reception for all arrivers. And this habit compels him, parrot-like, to repeat, in a whining, insincere tone, over and over again, to the same persons every time they cross his path, whether entire strangers to him or visitors of long standing to his house, *'Well, my dear Sir, and how are you? — and how d'ye do. Sir? Beautiful weather, Sir, aint it ? — and how have you been, Sir, since I last had the pleasure of seeing you, Sir ? — and how did you leave your good lady, Sir, and the family. Sir — eh. Sir?" This is so constantly his wording and style of address, without previous consideration as to whether the gentleman addressed may be a stranger to him or not, or knowing whether he may be married or single, induces a feeling of unplea- santness, almost of disgust, in the party thus accosted. And his sycophantish smile, canting voice, and unceremonious thrust of a fist as clumsy as a mutton leg, and clammy as a clay- clod, into the hand of every guest, every time he meets him, is disagreeable and offensive. A liberty of this kind is unwarrantable ; and experience proves that the more scarce a land- 246 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF lord makes himself to the friends and sup- porters of his inn the better they are pleased with him. Men of business ordinarily have something more important to engage their time and attention, too, than the fawning ser- vility and common-place expressions of an indolent, bloated, ignorant, bacchanalian, Boni- face. A man steps out of his province who is always seeking opportunities of familiarity, and finding occasion for small talk and a lounge. The most sensible, respected, and successful, have ever been retiring ; producing, in lieu of I" a bold presumptuousness of manner, the more • solid essentials for regard of excellent arrange- ment and bountiful provision, with economy, and a properly marked attention, without being fulsome, officious, or dissembling. Who, pos- sessed of common sense, cares a rush for the repeated inquiries of — " I hope you like your dinner, gents ? How's the wine, gents ? How d'ye do, altogether, gents ? It's a fine day, gents :" or the mechanical and insincere farewell, with the wave of the hand, '' Good bye ! thank ye ! much obliged ! — take care of yourself, I can't be with you always" nonsense ; or who, but an addle-pated fop, regards the formally raised gossamer, cringing bow, para- sitical smile, and forced unmeaning courtesy, with the ringing of every bell, and summoning A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 247 every servant, at arrival or departure? No! value received is the acknowledgment commer- cial men generally approve, in preference to such '^ blarney," if I may be excused the expression ; and nothing short of this will satisfy ; and from the competition and alteration which railroads have produced, houses, which originally had an exclusive family and posting trade, are now cultivating a commercial business ; and these essentials will, from opposition, be procured to a much greater extent, and at a more moderate cost, too. But let me warn this class of inn- keepers, and tell them that travellers by rail, coach, or their own conveyance, at the present day, w^ho leave home upon business, differ materially from their former supporters, the os- tentatious loungers in a rumble or escutcheoned family carriage, wdio wanted, while halting be- tween stages, nothing at an inn, in addition to the relay of horses, but a glass of water, a biscuit, and fulsome acknowledgment of their superiority. No ! travellers will be satisfied without such formality so long as the provision is ample and excellent (well remunerating for w^hat they have) but will not be well content with anything short of an attention courteous, respectful, and sincere. 248 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF A VENERABLE TRAVELLER— IKEY GOBROWN. Met the " ancient of days," the venerable, worthy, honourable, estimable, and much re- pected Isaac Gobrown, whose cheerful, smiling countenance (although occasionally slightly overshadowed by the lapse of time, and a con- catenation of circumstances calculated to de- press the stoutest heart, the most strongly constituted frame) still the life and soul of the room ; and as usual enlivening and exhilarating the scene, by the relation of some extraordinary event of half a century's standing, pictured with glee and delight as though an occurrence of yesterday. Isaac is nearly, if not quite father of the road, with threescore years and almost ten upon his beautifully developed, bald, and hoary head ; the little remaining hair upon which would by nature outvie the driven snow, were it not yet taxed, as in the days of his youth, never changing, with the changing fashion of the times, its gentlemanly dusting. His equally white, neat, quiet-tied cravat — black, closely buttoned coat — and alderman-like bearing, still animated voice, and joyous hearty inclination, have won from the world in which he moves A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 249 laurels that all may envy. Still retaining no small portion of the fire of his youth, without descending to frivolity or trifling, all his words have weight, and his arguments are clear, definite, and convincing. Yet, with all, there is a playfulness in his features, manner, and conversation, so winning and seductive, as to render him grateful as an associate and com- panion to men of any and every age. Nothing peevish or ill-natured ever emanates from him ; and instead of being full of crotchets, firmly settled and established, like ten thousand others at his age, he is free as air from prejudice, and the law of kindness is written on his lips. Never disposed to be captious, invidious, or contumacious, or to treat a junior rudely or uncivilly on account of his youth, he would rather counsel, instruct, and persuade, allowing him to profit by his experience and practice in the ways of men and the world, ever pleased and dehghted to convey knowledge and infor- mation. He is indeed totally free from that coarseness of manner, abruptness of address, roughness and obstinacy, common to many men similarly advanced in years ; but is quiet, serene, and unruffled, leading a life of pleasure while perambulating in pursuit of trade, con- tented and happy when surrounded by his commercial friends, who are ready to anticipate M 3 250 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF his every wish, which, gladdening his good old heart, he acknowledges with a lively and grateful satisfaction, diffusing happiness amongst all around, and rendering his society everywhere, and at all times, universally gratifying and exhilarating. Beloved, revered, respected, and esteemed, long may he live to enjoy the reward of his labours ! And may his excellent example of meekness, kindness, and humility so diffuse itself through all time, as to cause many aged ones to emulate that spirit, and the young to aspire to that honourable and worthy position among the brotherhood which he has so long and so deservedly maintained ; and, to use the emphatic language of the immortal bard — " Ever beloved and loving may his rule be ; And, vfhen old Time shall bring him to his end. Goodness and he fill up one monument." A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 251 AN IMPUDENT, DISPUTING SPECIMEN- MR. BIGPOT SOURCROUT. The renegade, Bigpot Sourcrout, here, " doing the large," as usual! No man accustomed to the road has obtained for himself so un- enviable a notoriety as this. And few men who have long moved in the commercial world have created for themselves a rod so deserved^ friends so few, or enemies more numerous. To Coventry, indeed, the shortest way, and cut direct, he knows full well ; repeatedly, against his will, having been sent thither, although in- cessantly soliciting the pleasure of the journey. Times numberless has he met with his merited deserts, too, for his brutal, dastardly, criminal falsehoods, when endeavouring to traduce the characters of the wives of commercial men, and indeed women en masse. This, however, is only in keeping with the rest of his loose, audacious, unblushing effron- tery and libertinism. To have his censure is the most safe and certain way of gaining the commendation of all who come within the range of his knowledge, or are compelled occa- sionally, by the constitution of the commercial room, to be his associates. 252 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF His sole aim appears to be a depreciation of all moral worth, taking the standard of morality from his own depraved, grovelling, w^orthless self; and judging of the wdckedness of the world, by his own corrupt and vicious nature. Bloated with pride, too, presumptuous and rude, he is a general object of hatred and con- tempt ; concentrating within himself perhaps the largest amount of impudence, vanity, and ignorance, ever before united in one human being. With all his ostentation and bombast, how- ever (and he is usually in possession of a second horse, sometimes a third, and generally a tiger, whom he unfortunately takes the liberty of treating rather more like a dog) he is in his own personal expenditure mean to a proverb ; and his paltry allowance to servants at hotels, after giving more than twice or thrice the trouble of any ordinary man, and using lan- guage as marked for its want of reason, feeling, and sympathy, as it is culpable for its impu- dence and indecency, stamps him in their estimation, go where he wull, as worthless and detestable. Friends, indeed, he has few, if any, but is an object of common contempt, scorn, and abhor- rence. This lion of the road exhibits throughout the A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 253 country a regular menagerie ; consisting, as Wombwell would say, of an extraordinary, indescribable, hermaphroditish, jaundiced- coloured van-cab-like machine ; having one qualification, however, above its reputed pro- prietor, viz., a useful head ; also a group of quadrupeds, including three or more fat, and declared to be fast, and beautifully symme- trical Arabians — two legitimate specimens of the canine species — one illegitimate full-grown puppy, taught to imitate the biped — a weasel asleep — and a juvenile lackey. Their disin- terested exhibitor, to carry out the idea, occa- sionally dons a scarlet coat and fur or seal- skin cap to show them off gratuitously. And we may probably one day hear either of his being, like the presumptuous would-be god, Phaeton, of mythological notoriety, who, when arro- gantly and pompously driving a carriage not his own, was cut short in his career, and de- stroyed by a thunderbolt ; or suffering the more heathenish but deserved fate of Actaeon, who, for outraging common decency, was, at the instigation of the goddess Diana, worried to death and devoured by his own dogs. 254 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF REPREHENSION OF MORiVL DEPRAVITY. With what variety and contrariety of character we are compelled occasionally to come in con- tact ; and how a single day, ay, or even hour may change upon the road both the comforts and intentions of an individual, and the dispo- sition and manner of his associates. Yesterday only, I felt happ}^ at being able to record, that commercial society had made great advances in all that constitutes mental, moral, and social im- provement ; that I had not, for a very lengthened period, met with or taken cognizance of a positively loose or decidedly objectionable indi- vidual. To-day, however, an incidental cir- cumstance has revealed to me the painful fact, that such irregular beings are not yet altogether extinct. Oh, how abominable, and contemptible is such a deviation from propriety, and perpetration of immorality ! I have met with a creature (man he does not deserve the name of) who has a face so har- dened, as to allow him, without compunction, contrary to the dignity and nature of man, wantonly to deface a mirror ! Yes, indepen- dent of the misery such characters inflict upon A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 255 a listener to their slang, and an eye-witness of their depravity, they are a moral pestilence by the exercise of their jewelled fingers. Scarcely any instrument in their hands can be more dangerous than a diamond ring, for it per- petuates their infamy ! Possessing this, in- deed, what effusions of ribaldry have not only met the eye but shocked the mind as emana- tions from the hands allied to these corrupted heads and hearts ! These are the poor, mean, debased souls who, by their actions and mis- conduct, bring contumely on the mass ; the thoughtless, scurrilous, unhallowed few, who, pandering to a gross and morbid appetite, not only despoil other men's goods, but inscribe upon window-sash or looking-glass a lasting record of their own infamy ; depraved wretches, who unhesitatingly convert a portion of the pattern of the paper in the room to figures of indecency, or deface tablets and placards of information, by additions incongruous and base, perverting the sense, and, like assassins in the dark, strike, and steal any man's good name ; wretches who would unhesitatingly write lewd- ness in a street, and filthy doggerel upon the wall of a lady's boudoir. This iniquitous handful of disgusting mortals, whose habits are utterly corrupt, and whose whole career is the foulest contamination, ought 256 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF to be hunted from society, and expelled from the road, or so chastised when detected, as to impress a salutary lesson on their clique, and remove the stigma from commercial men, that such conduct is the general characteristic of their class. Is it to be wondered at, indeed, when these manifestations of plebeianism, vul- garity, and depravity, are suffered to remain so prominent, and like an indelible brand, that the world should judge unfavourably of commercial men ? These few out~heroders of Herod, who are ever, either at an inn, upon a coach, in an omnibus, or a railway carriage — upon the road or in the street, or wherever else you may see them — no matter under what circumstances, wdiether in the presence of w^omen or in re- spectable male society — giving utterance to unmeaning trash. Their loose conversation and immoral slime, in every variety of hideous shapes, will ooze out. Their antics, buffoonery, and lewdness know no limit. Would that my feeble aim to correct such infamous proceedings were aided by seniors, principals, parents, and the w^ell ordered ; and that the perpetration of such outrages upon decency by these low ruffians, were visited with the castigation it deserves ! It is to be prevented — it must be eradicated — before com- A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 257 mercial society can occupy the elevated grade on the general scale which its vast importance merits ! How much the presence of such men mars the happiness of its steady going mem- bers ; and how readily, by a gentle intimation to the house of the conduct of their repre- sentative, the evil might be remedied 1 The career of such persons is usually very short, if they are allowed to have their full swing; for business and blackguardism are directly at issue. But, after all, the term is too long for an unfavourable impress to be left through their glaring irregularity, upon the majority, as participators in their vice. As has been before stated, there is no society, all the members of which, at all times act with perfect consistency ; but, again, there is no society in which, if the heart of a man be thoroughly depraved, the callousness will not be increased by the opportunities for indulgence which such a person can create, as he journeys day by day ; and in fact it redounds greatly to the credit of the commercial body, that such instances, con- sidering the motley group of which the thirty thousand is composed, are not of more frequent occurrence. 258 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF AN UNPRETENDING, TRULY GENTLEMANLY REPRESENTATIVE. Every man we meet has his own pecuhar bias, and fresh objects for consideration present themselves to our view every day we travel ; so that, if we will but make the attempt, as the sentimentalist says, "what a large volume of adventures may be grasped within the little space of life, by him who interests his heart in everything, and who having eyes to see, what time and chance are perpetually holding out to him as he journey eth on his way, misses no- thing he can fairly lay his hands on. If this won't turn out something, another will — no matter — 'tis an essay upon human nature, I get my labour for my pains — 'tis enough — the pleasure of the experiment has kept my senses and the best part of my blood awake and laid the gross to sleep. — I pity the man who can travel from Dan to Beersheba, and cry, 'tis all barren. Yet so it is. And so is all the world to him who will not cultivate the fruit it offers." I have had the pleasure of coming in contact, and dining, to-day with a gentleman whose character is the very reverse of some few others A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER, 259 whom I occasionally meet ; whose countenance, person, and manners are perfectly familiar to me ; and whose society I have had the gratifi- cation of enjoying at intervals for a very lengthened period, without having the least knowledge of his name, or the most remote idea of his business, or the place whence he issues. This is no unusual circumstance, how- ever, in commercial society, especially with such individuals as my this day's associate ; for his retiring disposition and quiet determination prevent his being drawn abruptly into conver- sation ; and all his leisure is appropriated either to scanning his correspondence, or reading the newspaper or some one of the many popular, amusing, and instructive periodicals of the day. If he happens to address you, there is a total absence of affectation and display ; mildness, and a willingness to elicit rather than dictate, are his prominent features as a companion ; and quiet, tranquillity, and propriety have the ascendancy in his manner. His step, as he moves through the room, is almost noiseless ; and his orders to the servants are given in so subdued a tone, and with so mild but yet evident an impress, as to command equal if not superior attention to those of the more boister- ous and precipitate. The "boots," in connec- 260 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF tion with removal of his samples, or inquiries as to the departure of a conveyance, receives his instructions in an under voice ; and his letters, instead of being left at the bar, or ex- posed, which is frequently the case (but never- theless highly improper) upon the mantleshelf, looking-glass, brackets, or sideboard in the commercial-room, are either left with a cus- tomer or directed to the office and called for by himself ; and every document is deposited in the post by his own hands ; so that the most profound secrecy prevails as to his business or connection ; and no one, from his still un- obtrusiveness, is curious enough to learn more than that, for the time being, their associate is a gentleman, and that he is, to use a regular commercial phrase, a pattern card, for industry and propriety. By him, all the amenities of the table, and the regulated observances of the room, are rigidly complied with. A lively con- versation may so draw him from his quietude, as to induce him to give an opinion or advice when appealed to. If you see him once, you see him always ; for the same characteristics of pleasing acknowledgment, kind reception, and order, are invariably predominant ; and his flaxen locks, ruddy complexion, snow-driven cravat, old-fashioned bunch of watch seals, and sable dress, obtain for him a larger amount of A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 261 respect than noise, show, and gUtter, a fulsome forwardness of address, or hackneyed compli- ments and respects without meaning or sincerity. These — the men who steal thus noiselessly through the world, performing all its moral obligations — are indeed examples for the mul- titude, and are so alive to the feelings and considerations of others, as at all times to act with perfect consistency. They are so estimable in the eyes of all right-minded men, as to be ever acceptable ; and the pleasure of meeting them is well worth recording. A NOISY, SELF-SUFFICIENT BORE— MR. FULSOME BRASSEY. Rude, presumptuous, impudent, disgusting Mr. Fulsome Brassey in the room when I entered ; and although surrounded by several strangers, he gave vent at the very top of his voice to his objectionable salutation, when acknowledged by any one he has before met, of " Hallo, old bricks ! how are you ? where the devil did you spring from ?" to my no small annoyance and discomfiture. But it was of no use attempting 262 SKETCHES FROM THE DIARY OF to check him ; so, on he went till tired, and then, seating himself at the table, with his hat on, commenced whistling a tune as usual, to which time was kept by the heels of his boots upon the floor, and drumming with his knuckles on the table. At length, being an outlaw as to established rule, and bound by no restraint of decorum or propriety, imagining himself at liberty to be as frivolous and noisy as he pleased, his conduct became in every respect ridiculous and revolting. Suddenly, his stentorian lungs would enable his foul tongue to give utterance to some not over chaste expression, or to break out into singing some equally offensive eflusion of ribaldry, while his legs would be thrown across the chairs, or body on the table, or warm- ing his breech at the fire, with many other evidences of vulgarity and want of good breeding. Such indiscriminate familiarity he takes, without weighing the consequences, indeed, as to have materially lessened his number of friends ; and the adage of, " You may know a man by the company he keeps," has compelled many to avoid him, lest charges of equal folly should be laid against themselves. For frequent mimicry and romping, practical joking, laugh- ing and waggery, are too anti-business and absurd to find many adherents, especially as A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. 263 business is now conducted, and are altogether intolerable. Such qualities and procedure may constitute a jovial merry fellow, and an accept- able one too, in the estimation of men who never can or will throughout life be of any service to him, but who will be the very first to desert and shun him should he require their as- sistance. Tlie possessor of these qualities never was, nor ever can be, from the constitution of things, generally respected or respectable. Such a character may be all very well for one who is anxious to make himself a general laughing- stock, and careless about occupying a position of respect and esteem. What a distinction of degradation it draws upon him, too. If he could be brought to see it, how he would abhor himself. At present, however, all advice is lost upon him, only increasing his fury ; and still he continues his vicious course, without abate- ment, although no boy. Violently contradic- tory upon all occasions, and warmly disputing, only for the sake of disputing, upon every sub- ject, without knowing anything of its general merits, he is incessantly breaking out into rough, coarse, rash, and unguarded expressions ; backing his assertion, for want of truth, proof, or confidence in himself or his argument, with a wager and an oath, and a chain of epithets and abuse too vile to be repeated. 264 DIARY OF A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. This inconsistency proceeds from levity and weakness, want of a subjection of his passions to his reason, a cultivation of his mind, a moral courage to overcome his depraved nature, and a more fixed and settled judgment ; for all of which, however, he is responsible to society. Let him endeavour to subdue his vices, and substitute for them the more ennobling attributes of man ; exercising his faculties within the bounds of his comprehension and the scope of his capacity. What, indeed, have his mummeries, spoutings, singing, tricks with cards, sleight of hand, ventriloquism, and often- tested strength of tendon and sinew, muscle and bone, wrist and arm, to do with the respecta- bihty of his occupation ? They render him only a puppet and an object of ridicule ; de- tracting from his importance, keeping him up night after night, consuming his health and his money, and causing him to lie in bed in the morning, sacrificing his time and his character. FINIS. J. MASTKRS, PRINTER, ALDKRSGATE STRKKT. RETURN CIRCULATION DEPARTMENT TO^i^ 202 Main Library LOAN PERIOD 1 HOME USE 2 3 4 5 6 ALL BOOKS MAY BE RECALLED AFTER 7 DAYS 1 -month loans may be renewed by calling 642-3405 6-month loans may be recharged by bringing books to Circulati( Desk Renewals and recharges may be made 4 days prior to due dc DUE AS STAMPED BELOW fiEaciB.SEP 8 78 MAP '-^ Mm '■ UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, BEI FORM NO. DD6, 40m, 3/78 BERKELEY, CA 94720 U.C. 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