r rs 3356 DAB V 764 Colman The Deuce is in Him THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES Deuce is in Him, FARCE O F TWO ACTS. As it is performed at the Theatre-Royal in Drury-Lane. h ejl amentium > baud amantium. TER. DUBLIN: Printed for A. LEATHLEY, W.SMYTH and So??, G. FAULKNER, P. WILSON, J, EXSHAW, H. SAUNDERS, S. PRICE, E. WATTS, W. SLEATER, W.WHITESTONE, H. BRADLEY, J. POTTS, S. WATSON and J. MITCHELL. MOCCLXIV. ADVERTISEMENT. WHOEVER has read the very entertaining collection of Moral Tales, lately publifhed by M. Marmontel, will immediately difcover, .that the fiifl hint of this little piece was taken from the cpifode of Lindor, in the SCRUPUI. E; and the ridiculous conceit of bekig beloved for ones own fake, for ones felf akne, is alfo admirably expofed in the firfl of thole Tales, called ALCIBI ADE, o, h Moi. That part of the fable which relates to Mademoifelle Florival, is taken, with fome alteration, from a Story, originally pwb. lifhed in one of the numbers of the Britilh Magazine, and faid to be founded on fadt After thefe acknowledgements, nothing farther remains but to return thanks to the Public for the very favourable reception they have given to this little piece, and to the Performers for their great care and uncommon excellence in the reprefenta- .tion. P R O L O CUE. TH F. Deuce is in him ! What the deuce (I bear you cry) can that produce ? What does it mean ? what can it be .<* TJ^ A little / alienee and you 'II fee. Behold, io keep your minds uncertain, Eetiueen the fcene and you this curtain ! So writers hide their plots, no doubt, To pleafe the mire, ivben all comes out ! ^ . . Of old the Prologue told the (lory, And /aid the whole affair before ye ;; Came forth in jlm.'le phrafe to fay, 'Fore the beginning of this Play* I, baf>!efs Poly dor e, tuns found Byjijbermen, or others, droiun'd ! Or /, a gentleman, did iued The Lady I luould never bed, Great Agamemnon's Royal Daughter Who's coming hither to draw water" Thus gave at once the Bards of Greect- The cream and mafroiu of the Piece ; Ajiing no trouble tf your o^n To (him the milk, or crack the bone. The Poets no ews at a Fair, 'Tt draivyou in, Jboud make you flart. " cr hand and Ma- damoifelle Florivai in Man's Cloaths. &wz7)>."O E aflured that I will do every thing in my JD power to ferve you ; my brother knew rhat he might command my fervices : be comforted, I befeech vou, Madam. F/or. You cannot wonder, Madam, that I fnould be (hocked, extremely fhocked, at the cruel neceility or appearing before you in fo indelicate a uifguiie. Emiiy. Indeed you need not ; there is lomething in your manner which convinces me, that-every action cl your life carries its apology along v.ith it ; though I will not venture to enquire into tLe particulars of youi: (lory, 'till your mind is more at eafe. flor. Aia.s Madam, it is n;y inlered: to make you acquainted with my ftory. 1 am the daughter of Mon- ueur Fk>rival a French phyfician, in theifland of Bel- Idfle. An Engiifh officer, who had been ciefperateiv wounded, wac after the capitulation, for the fake of due- attendance* taken into my father's houfe, and as I, i;i the very early part of my Jife, had r(idd m England, he took fome pleafure in my converfation : In a 'word, he won my affections, and alked me of my father i:i niarn'j-.ge ; but he, alas ! too much influenced by the/ narrow prejudices fo common between the two nation;, forbad the officer his houfe ; but not before we were, A 3 b 7 ft THE DEUCE IS IN HIM; by the moft folemn engagements, fecretly contracted to ' each other. Emily. May 1 a(k the officer's name ? Flor. Excufe me, Madam ! 'Till I fee or hear fronv him once more, my prudence, vanity, or call it what you will, will fcarce fuffer me to mention it. Your brother, indeed, is acquainted with Emily. I beg your pardon I hope, however, you have no reafon to think, yourfelf neglected or forgot- ten ? Flor. Oh ! no* far from it. He was foon recalled by orders from England ; and on my father s pretilng me to copfent to another match, my pailion 1 blulh to own it tranfported mefo far, as to depart abrupt- ]y from Belieifle. "I came over in an Engliih (hip to Portfmout>h r where I cxpefted, according to letters he had' contrived to fend me, to find the officer. But judge of my difappointment, when I learnt that" he embarked but three days before for the fiege of the Havannah. Emiy. The Havannah ! you touch me nearly - Pray go on ! Ffar. In a flrange kingdom alone > and a woman what could I do ?-In order to defeat enquiries after me, I difguifed myfelf in this habit, and mixt with the officers of the piace ; but your brother foon difcovered my uneafinefs, and faw through my difguife. I frankly conftfled to him every particular of my ftory ; in confeqwcnce of which, he has thus generoufly recom- mended me to your protection. Emily. And you may depend en my friendfliip Your function affects me ftrangeiy. Flor. Oh ! Madam, it is impoiTible to tell you half - its miferies : efpecially finceyour brother has convinced me, that I am fo liable to be difcovered. Emiy. You (hall throw off that drefs as foon as - pofilble, and then I will take you into the houfe with we and my fitter In the mean time let me fee you every day. every hour. I (hall not be afraid that your : fifits v;iil affect my reputation. Flor. You are .too good to me. [weeping^ THE D E U C E I S IN, HIM; 7 Emily. N av . t this is too much. It overcomes me- Pray becheariul ! //or. I humbly take my leave. Emily. Adieu! I fhall. expect you todinner. Flor. i fliall do myfelf the honour of waiting on you. [Exit. Emily a/one.] Poor woman ! I thought my own un- eafmefs almoft insupportable, and yet how much mud her anxiety exceed mine ! Eater Bell. Beil. So, fitter ! I met your fine gentleman. Up on my word, the young fpark mult be a favourite You have had a tile a t-.'te of above halt" an hour to- gether. Emily How d'ya-lilce him ? Bell Not at all : a (oft lady-like gentleman, with a white* hand, a mincing Hep, and a Imooth chin. Where does this pretty mailer come from ( Emily. From my brother. Bell Who is he. - Emily. A prefent to you. Bell. A preient to me ! what d'ye mean ? Emily. Why did nor my brother profile to take care of you before he went abroad ? Bell. Well! and what then ? Emily. What then ! why he has taken care of you Sent you a pretty fellow for a huiband Could h* 1 poflibly take better care of you ? Bell. A hufband ! a puppet, a doll a Emily. A foldier, Dei! ' a red coat, corfiJer ! Btli. A fine fokiiei indeed ! I can't bear to fee a ' red coat cover an v thing hut a mnn. filter! -Give me a foldier, that looks as if he cou'd love me and protedt me ; ay, and tame me too, if I deferv'd it It I was to have this thing for a hi;(band, I wou'd fet him at the top of my India cabinet with the China figures, and bid the maid take care (he did not break him. Emiy. Well, well ; if this is the cafe, ! don't know what my brother will fay to you. Here's his letter !'" Read ic j and fend him an anfwer yourfeif. Itll ff- THE DEUCE IS IN HIM. Sell reads. .] Dear fijhrt, the bearer of this letter is a lady! So, ib ! your feryant, madam! and your's too, fifter ! ivbqfe -'faff is truly cuwpaffionate, and ivbom I tnojl earneftly recommend to your protection,-* Vin vm--\in--take care of her um iu>n inn - not too many quejlions um -UQI um in t//M/CJ them. \ rejoice to find you fo well. Bell And we congratulate you, Major, on your fafe return from the Havannah How does your friend Col Tamper do ? fte.'f. He is verv -well, Madam ! But Emily . But what, Sir! -1 am frighted beyond ex. - preiTion Is lie in England ? Self. Yes, Madam. Emily. In town ? Self. Yes, .Madam. Em;/y. Why have not we the pleafure of feeing him then ? Beif. He'll be here immediately, Madam ! Emi.y. Oh! well ! ; Be'f. But it was thought proper that I (hould wait on you firft, to prepare you for his reception. Emily. To prepare me-! what does he-mean?- Be'f. Only to prevent your being alarmed at his ap- pearance, Madam ! Emi'y. Alarm'd ! you terrify me more and more what is the matter? Belf. Nay, nothing A' trifle - the mere- chance o? war In fortune cit la guerre^ as the French call it, that's all, madam ! Emily. I'm upon the rack Dear Sir, explain! Belf. The Colonel, you know, Madam, is a man of fpirit. Having expofed his perfon very gallantly in the feveral actions before the town of the Havannahj he received many wounds ; one or two of which have been attended' with rather difagreeable circuit;- ftances. Emily. But is the Colonel well at pfefenl? Sir ! Belf. Extremely well, Madam. Emily. Are not the confequence? of hk wounds likely- Jo, endanger his lif^ ? B e /f. THE DEUCE 1 3 IN HIM. it Eelf N B>~'t The two principal wounds which the Colonal rea'ved, Madam, were, one a jit tie above the kne, ai.J another in liii face In conftquence of the ftril, he was reduced to the necclTity of laving his life by the lofs of a leg; and the latter has deprived him of the fight of an eye. milj. Oh, heavens' \^ndy to faint. Bell". Poor Emily ! Mow could you be lo abrupt. Sir ? The violent agitation of her mind is too much lor her fpirit-. Belf. Excufe me, Madam! I waj afraid of making youuneafy; and yet it was neo-fiary you Ihould be made acquainted with thefe circuuitlances, previous to your feeing the Colonel. E miy, recovering ] Loft a leg and en arm, did *xm fay? Sir! Betf No, not an arm r.n eye, Madam ' Emily An eye ! worfe and wcrle - poor Colonel ! Pelf. Kather unfortunate, to bo fure ! But we (hould confider, Madam, that we have faved hi; lire ; and that fhefe were facrifices neceflary lor it? prefervation. Emily. Very true. -Ay c." So as he has but his life, I am happy. And ^ ought now to be attached to him, not onlv from tendernels, but compaJCoa. Pelf. After H!!, Madam, his nppe?.raMice is much belter than you mav imagine, r ii; t'.ice, by the heip of a black ribband, is very little disii^uied ; rtnd he ha ^erfon was focharnvng! -And tr.cn ' .lar were ib brilliant '.fo full of ferfibility ! Etif. This accident,' Madam, on hii o\.n account, give* hi u- nc ".ncaiinc'V ; to fay ;hs t;uth, he feeres rather iz THE DEUCE I S IN H IM. rather vain upon it ; I could wilh therefore, when he comes, that you would not feem too deeply afTe&ed, but rather affume an air of chearfulnefs, left any vifible uneafinefs in you fhould Ihock the Colonel. Emily. Poor Colonel ! 1 know his fenfibility. Let me endeavour, therefore, to convince him, that he is at dear to me as ever ! Oh ! yes, cofi me lubat it will, I muft fhew him that the prefervation of his life is an entire confutation to me. Enter Servant. Sgrv. Col. Tamper, Madam ! Emily. Eh! what? [(RforJered. Bell. Defire the Colonel to walk up Compofe yourfelf, my dear! Poor Emily! I am in pain for her. [Jjide Enter Crenel Tamper - runs up to Emily. Tamp. My deareft Emily! How happy am I t fee you once again ! I have brought back the honefl heart and hand which 1 devoted to you ; as to the reft of my body, you fee I did not care fixpence what be- came of it. Mifs RelJ, I rejoice to fee you fo well. Major, I am your's -But, my Emily Emily Oh ! Colonel. [burjls into leafs, and leans upon Bel). Tamp. How's this? Tears! Bel!. You fhould not have followed the Major fa foon, Colonel ; flie had fcarce recovered the firft faoek fioin his intelligence. Tamp. My impatience would fuffer me to delay no longer.- -Why do you weep fo ? Emily ' Are you forry to fee me again ? Emily Sorry :o fee you unfortunate. [weeing. Tump. Unfortunate! call me rather fortunate j I am come back alive ; alive and merry, Emily ! Emilj. I am glaii you have faved your life. [fwtepir.g. Tamp. \ dare fay you are ; look on me, then ! Whar, not one glar.ce ! Won't you deign to look on your poor maimed foldier? \_paufing] Is it polfible, then, that any little alteration of my perfoQ can occafion a change n your fentiuients ? THE DEUCE IS IN HIM. 13 Emily. Never, Colonel, never ! It is furely no mark of want of afttflion to be fo much hurt at your misfortunes. 7nmf>. Misfortunes! no misfortunes at all none at all to a foklier nothing but the ordinary incidents and common casualties of his life marks of honourand tokens of valour 1 declare 1 bear them about with me as the moft honourable badges of my profcfnon I am proud of them 1 would not part with this woodea leg for the belt flelh and blood in Chriftendom. Emily. And can you really be fo unconcerned ac this accident? Tamp. Really ; and you (hall be unconcerned too, Em,iJy! You (hail find more in me dill, than in halt" the battered rakes and fops about town. It injures me, no more than it does a fine tree, to lop my branches. My trunk is heart of oak, and I lhall thrive the better for it ! Emily. But is there no hope of recovering your eye again? Oh, we mult have the beft advice Is the fight quite loft? 7a,:if>. Quite Blind as a miJI-horfe -blind as a beetle, Emily -but what does that iignify ? Love is blind, you know ; and if -I have loft one eye, why, they fay, I mail fee the clearer with the ether. Emily. I cannot look at him without (huddering. [retires, and "(its do -Jan. Tell. \Vhat aclion was it you fullered in? Colonel! Tamp. Before the .Yloro-caftle, Ma'am, before the A'lrro Hot work, hilling hot, by lea and land, I allure you, Ma'am. Ah, the Moro, the Moro I- but if men go to mn their heads againft tloae walls, thoy mull expect to have a conce or two broken be- fore they make their way through them Eh ! Major ! Bell. Major Relford was with you ? Tamp Ail the while. The Major and I fought : L> by fide, cheek by jowl, 'till 1 fell, Ma'am ! Ve p.iid the Dons diJnt we? M^jor ! But Velafco .' uoor Yelafco ! A fine, brave Don ! mutt be owned ii lhad 1 j. T II L DEUCE IS IN H I M 1 h:.i iather have died like Velafco, than have lived cu be Gener^lillimo. Ftll. a Emily ] How are you ? Sifter! '/:. Nay, pikhee, Emily, be comforted! moie than iil this :: ight ha', e happened to me at home. I ii ight have thrown away my life in a duel, or broke my neck in a fox-chafe ; a fit of the gout, or an apo- plexy, ought have maimed me ten times worfe lor ever; or a pally, perhaps, have killed one half of me at a iingle itroke you muft not take on thus if you .;!). i ihall be extremely uneafy. Emily. Excufe me ! 1 cannot help it- but be af- fured 1 efteeni you as much as ever, Sir ! Temp EJhem ! and f.ir ! This is c*'ld language I have not been ufed to hear you talk in that itik;, EwHjl Emily. I don't know what I fay- -I am net well--- let me retire. Tamp. V/hen fhall we name the happy day ? 1 iltitll make fhift 10 dance in that occafion though as With- ;irsgi:on louglu---on my (lumps, Emiiy J Tell mo, when frail \ve be happy ? Emily. I grow more and more faint lead me to jny chamber, Bell. Bell. She is very ill don't tieze her now, Colonel j but let us try to piocure her fome repole ! Tump. Ay, av, a Inert ileep, and a iirtle refieclion, nr,d uii v, ill be well, I dare lay- 1 will be here aga : n loon, and adminifter confolation, 1 warrant you. /k;ieu, my dear Emily .' Enily. Adieu! Oh! Bell. (Exit, in ttars ivitb Bell. Manent A.'a/. Belfoid findCo' Tamper) Tamp. [/iffu>aing /'is natural nir and manner. ~\ Ha, ha, ha ! well, Belford, what is your opinion now ? Will (he ftand the tell, or no? Belf. If the doe , it is more than you deferve; I cou!d with ihe would give you up, with al! my heart, if I did not think you would run ftark ir.id v.itb vex- ation. Tnmp Why fo? i'ecauk, as 1 '-.. .- ix ore, thig THE DEUCE IS IN HI >I. i - is a uioft abfurd and ridiculom fcheme, a mere trick to impofe upon yourfelf, and inuft probably end in your lofing the affections of an amiable lady. Tamp. You know, Bel ford, there is an excefs of fenfibil : ty in my temper Belf. That will always make you unhappy. lamp. Rather fay it will enfure the future hoppt- nefs of my life. Before I bind rnyfeif to a! iv \voman, I , and in all circumftances, I mull be allured that (he will at ail events, and in all circum- flance?, retain her affection for me. Belf. S'death, I have not patience to hear you. Have not you all the reafon in the world to reft af- fined, that Emily entertains a molt finccre paffion for you ? Tamp Perhaps fb ; but then I am not equally af- fured of the bafis on which that paffion is fou Btif. Her folly, I am afraid. 'lamp. Nay, but I am ferious, .* Belf. You are very ridiculous, Co 'Tamp. Well, well"! it does not fignify talking ; I muft be convinced that Ihe loves me/j>- my own /-.(-, for y/>//"alone ; and that were t r.iveited defirjble gift of fortune, and of nature, and to be addrelled by fifty others, v, . : in the mo;! eminent cl.'gre?, Oie would tc'll co:. prefcr me to ali the retl of <:i::r Belf. Mort precious rvrfii>ement, truly ! This is the moft high-flown metaplr. Tics in feimment I over her.rd in my life.- -- Picked up in one of your expe the co?.\\ of France, I fupp oil--- ever dreamed oftuch a whim -Love you torj. (or your own f,ike /---not (he truly. Tamp. How then ? \\ hy, for her o-un, to be furc and fa wou; j any body elfe.-- 1 am your ;;;end. and love vou as a friend ; and why ? becauib I am gbd to ha/i- CU.M- merce with TI rn=in of ta'ents, honour, and '' I.ct n:e once fee you behave like a poltroon, or a vj!- i n, and you know 1 would cut your throat, Colone! f Tcmf. I don't doubt yon, Major! But if fhe don't B 2 love 16 THE DEUCE IS I N H I M. love me for my otvn fake, for myfetf, as I faicl, how can I ever be certain, that fhe will not transfer that 1 ove to another ? Bflf. For your own fake ! for ycurfelf again ! Why, what in the name of common fenfeis this fe/fof yours, that you make fuch a rout about? your birth, your Jbrtane, your character, your talent?, and perhaps, fvveet Colonel, that fweet perfon of yours all thefe may have taken her and habitude, and conti- nual intercourfe muft encreafe her partiality for them in you, more than in any other perfon. But after all, none of thefe things are yourfe f. Ycu are but the ground, and thefe qualities are woven into your frame. Yet it is not the fluff, but the richnefs of the ivork, that (lamps a value on the piece. Tamp. Why this is downright fermonizing, Major ! Give you pudding tkeves, and a grizzle wig, you Oiight be chaplain to the regiment : Yet matrimony is a leap in the dark, indeed, if we cannot before-hand make ourfelves at all certain of the fidelity and affec- tion of our wives. Self. Marriage is precarious, I grant you, and muft be fo. You may play like a wary gamefter, 'tis true. I would not marry a notorious profligate, nor a wo- man in a consumption ; but there is no more anfwer- ing for the continuance of her good difpofition, than that of her good health. 'Tamp. Fine maxims! m.ike ufe of them yourfclf : they won't ferve me : A fine time, indeed, to expe- rience a woman's fidelity after marriage; a time Vi-'iun every thing confpires to render it her intereft to deceive yuu ! No, no, no fool's paradife for me, Bel ford ! Belf. A fool's paradife Is better than a wifeacre's purgr.tory. lamp. S'death, Bel ford, who comes here ? I fhall be difcovered. [refutning his counterfeit manner. Enter Prattle. Prat. Gentlemen, ycur moft obedient ! mighty fony, extremely concerned to hear the lady's taken H TIIF. DEUCE h IN HIM. i 7 1 was lent for in a violent hurry -Had forty patients to viilt Rtfolved to lee her, h.A 1 /- ever Major Belford, I rejoice to fee you in good heat tli Have I the honour of know In j this gentleman ? K-MHtir.g to Tamper, attdgttng tip / urn ! hum ? [limping aiv:iy from Prattle and fulling bis handkerchief tv his fact;. Pelf. An acquaintance of mi:ie. Mr. Prattle .'---You don't know him, 1 beiieve---A little hurt in the fcr- vice-- that's a!!. Prat. Accidents, accidents will happen No left than feven brought into our infirmary yefterdr.v, ami ten into the holpjta! Did you hear Major Biri:ord, that poor Lady Di. Racket broke her arai laft night, by an overturn, from her horfes taking fright among the vail crowd of coaches getting in at Lady Thunder's rout: and yefterday morning, Sir Helter Skelter, v.ho is Ib remarkably fond of driving, put out hl- borie, by a fail from his own coach-box. Ta.vifj. I'ox on his chattering ! I v.-ifli he'd be gone. {apart to Del ford. Ke!f. But your fair patient, Mr. Prattle! I am afraid we detain you. Prat. Not at a!! : I attend her iinmediritely. ^c'-'.f r , return;. ! You have aot heard of the change in the mini "try ? Vamp. Ffiiaw ! Be If. \ have. Prat. VVei!, well'! [r-: j Lad^ Sarah IMilviiJe brought to-bed v/irhln thefe two hours ! u boy : Gentlemen-, your fervam, your very fcrvant ! 'Tamp. Ci;attet;;ig jackanapes ! Bi.f. So ! tlie apothecary's come already----. l.uve a confukation ofphyiicians, the knocker tied up, and thaw laiuin the tlreet ihor:;/. But are neafinefo? r ample ief to death. * 3 i8 THE DEUCE IS IN HIM. Self. Oh, the puppy's in fafhion, you know. c fump. It is lucky enough the fellow did not know me. He's a downiight he-goflip, and any thing he knows might as well be published in the Daily Adverti- fer But come, for fear of difcovery, we had belter decamp for the prefent. March ! Beff. You'll expofe yourfdf moft damnably, Tam- per. Tamp. Say no more! I am refolved to put her af- fe&ion to the tryal. If fhe's thorough proof, I'm made for ever. Come along ! [qiing. Belf. Tamper! Tamp. Oh, I am lame ! I forgot. [limping. Belf. Lord ! lord ! what a fool felf-!ove makes of 3 man ! [Exeunt. END OF THE FIRST ACT. A C T II, SCENE, Emily 'j dr effing Room. Emily, Bell, Bell. T Think you feem to be a good deal recovered, 1 Emily. Emif'y. I am much better than I was, I thank you ; heigh o ! Prat. Ay, 37, I knew we fliould be better by and by. Thefe little nervous diforders are verj common allover the town merely owing to the damp weather, which relaxes the tone of the whole fyftem. 1 he poor duchefs of Porcelain has had a fever on her Ipirits thefe, throe weeks '. Lady Teizer's cafe is abfolutely hyfterical ; and Lady Betty Dawdle is a!- moft half mad with lownefs of fpirhs, head-ache.-, treinbiings, vain fears, and wanderings of the mind. Enttff. THE DEUCE IS IN HIM. 19 Emity. Pray, Mr. Prattle, how does poor Mils Crompton do ? Prat. Never better, Ma'am ! fomebody lias remov- ed her dfforder, by prefcribing very effectually to the Marquis of Cranfbrd. His intended match with Mif* Richinan, the hundred thoufand pound fortune, is quite off, and ib, Ma'am, Mifs Crompton is perfectly well again. By the bye too, fhe has another reafon to rejoice ; for her coufin Mifs Dorothy, who lives with her, and began, you know, to grow rather old-maid- ifh, as we fay, Ma'am, made a fuddenconqueftof Mr. Bumper, a Lancashire gentleman of a great eltate, who came up to towa for the Chtirtmafs, and they were married at Mifs Crompton's yefterday evening. Be//. Is it true, Mr. Prattle, that Sir John Medley L< going to the fouth of France for the recovery of his health ? Prat. Very true, Ma'am, very true, that he's going, I promife you ; but not for the recovery of hi" health ; Sir John's v ell enough himfelf, but his affairs are in a galloping consumption, I affure you. No lefs than two executions in his houfe. I heard it for faft at La- dy Modilh's. Poor gentleman ! I have known his cha- riot viand at Arthur's till eight o'clock in the morning . He has had a fad run a long time, but that laft affair nt Xev, market totally undid him. Pray, ladies, have you heard the ftory of Alderman Manchefter's iady ? Bell. Oh, no. Pray what is it ? Prat. A terrible ftory indeed. Eloped from he;' huiband, and went off with Lord John Sprightly. Their intention, it feems, was to go over to Holland ; but the Alderman purlued them to Harwich, and catch- ed them juft as they were going to embark. He threa- tened Lord John with a profecution, but Lord John, who knew the Alderman's turn, came down with a thousand pounds, and fo the Alderman received h;s wife, and all is well agp.in. Bell. I vow, Mr Prattle, 'you are extremely ama- fmg. You know the chit-chat of the whole town. Prat. Can't avoid picking up a few flight .inecdotei, to be fure, Ma'am -Go into the beft homes in town Attend zo THE DEUCE IS IN HIM. Attend the firft families in the kingdom Nobcvh- better received Nobody takes more care Nobodv tries to give more (attraction. He I. is there any public news of any kind, Mr. Prattle? Prat. None at ail, Ma'am except that the Oificcrs are moft of them retur-n'd from the Havannah. Emily. So we hear, Sir ! Prat. I law Colonel Tamper yoflerday. O. ; Major Belford, and another gentleman as I came in here this morning. Bell. That was Colonel Tamper, Sir ! Prat. Thai gentleman, Col. Tamper ! MjV.ni ! Bett. Yes, Sir! Prat. Pardon me, Ma'am ! I know Col. Tamper very well That poor gentleman was fomewhat diU- bied had fuffered a little in the wars Col. Tairptr is not fo unfortunate. Emi'y. Oh yes, that horrid accident ! Prat. What accident ? Bell. His wounds his wounds don't vou know. Sir? Prat. Wounds ! Ma'am Upon my word I never heard he had received any. Btll. No ! why he loft a leg and an eye at the liege Havannah. Prat. Did he ? Why then, Ma'am, I'll be bold to fay he is the luckieft man in the world. Bell. Why fo ? Sir ? Prat. Decaufe, Ma'am, if he loft a leg and an eye at the Hivannah, they mu ft be grown a^nin, or he has lomchow procured others, that do the buiinelV every whit as well. 7iv.//y. ImpolTibie ! Pi tit. I wiih I may die. Ma'am, if the Colonel had not yt ftera'ay two as good legs and fine eyes as any man in the world. Jf he loft one of each at the Ha- *jnnah, we practitioners in phyfic ihould be much o- bligcd to hi.n to comniunicate hi5 receipt for the uuie- f:: o' (Jreenvvich and (JhtJlca THE DEUCE IS IN HIM. 21 F.mily. Are you fure that the Colonel has had no fuch lofs ? Sir. Pi at. As fure as that I am here, Ma'am ! I fawhfrn going into the what-d'ye-call him ambaflador's, jull o\er againft my houfe, yefterday : and the latt place I \vas at this morning was Mrs. Day light's, where I i ,rd the Coronel was at her rout laft night, anu :!:. body thought he was rather improved than in-iir... by his late expedition. But now I recollect ha! ha! ha ! [laughing , long ago. Yet this is fo flagrant an alfront, I would make him fmart for it fome way or other ; I would n";t marry him thefe fcvcn vcars. ' L^ HE DEUCE IS IN HIM. 23 Etoi/y. That perhaps might be puaiftiing myfeif, Tiller: Btll. We muft plague him, and heartily too. Oh, lor a bright thought now, fome charming invention to torment him f Emily. Oh, as to that matter, I fiiould be glad to have 1-jaie comical revenge on him with all my heart. Enter Servant. Ser--'. Captain Johnfon, Ma'am ! Emily. Defirehim to walk up. [Exit fervant.] I am fit to fee any company now. This difcovery will do me more good, I believe, than all Mr. Prattle's cordial mixtures as he calls them. Bill. Oh you're in charming fpirits, filter! But Captain John'on! you abound in the military, Captains, Colonels, and Majors, by vvholelale: who is Captain Johnfon ? pray ! Emily Only the name that Mademoifelle Florival, the Belldtle lady you faw this morning, goes by. Hell Oh, filter, the luckieft thought in the world Such a ufe to make of this lady! Etnily. What d'ye mean ? Belt. Captain Johnfon fhall be Colonel Tamper'* rival, fitter ! Emily. Huih ! here flie is. Enter Mademoifelle Florival. Emily. Give me leave, Madam, to intioduce you to my fitter. Bell. 1 have heard your (lory, Madam, and take part in your misfortunes. o ed both to you and to that iadam. L.'uiy. Oh ! Madam, I have bten extremely ill fince yciu was heie this morning, and terrified aluioti beyond . ition. 1 1'jr. 1 am veiy forry to hear it ; may I a(k what has ah r ;ied you ? Emily. It h fo ridiculous, I fcarce know how to tell YOU. Ed'.. 3"hen I will. You mud know, Ma... iry 24 T H E D U E C E I 3 I N H I M. uiy fifter was engaged to an o(Kcer, who went out on a late military expedition. He is juft returned, but is come home with the ftrangeft conceit that ever filled the brain of a lover. He took it into his head to try my lifter's faith by pretending to be maimed and wounded, and has actually vilited her this morning in a counterfeit character. We have juft now detected the impofition, and want your afliftance to be pleafantly revenged on him. Flor. I cannot bring myfelf to be an advocate for the Lady's cruelty But you may both command me ia any thing. Emily. There is no cruelty in the cafe I fear; I am gone too far for that. As you are in appearance fuch a fmart young gentleman, my fifter has waggiJhly pro- pofcd to make you the inftrument of exciting Colonel Tamper's jealoufy, by your perfonating the character of a fuppofed rival. Was not that your device ? fifter ! Bell. It was ; and if this Lady will come into it, and you play your part well, we'll tieze the wife Co- Jonel, and make him fick of his rogueries, I warrant you. Flor. I have been a mad girl in my time, I confefs, and remember when I Ihould have joined in fuch a frolick with pleafure. At prefent, I fear I am i'carce miftrefs enough of my temper, to maintain my character with any tolerable humour. However, I will fummon up all my fpirits, and do my beft to oblige you. Bell. Oh ! you will have but little to do The bufmefs will lie chiefly on your hands, Emily. You muft be moft intolerably provoking - If you uo bat irritate him lutficiently, we ihall have charming fport with him. Emily. Never fear me, Bell. Mr. Prattle's intelligence has given me fpirits equal to any thing -Now I know ir is but a trick, I fhall fcarce be able to fee him limping about without laughing Enter Servant. Serv. Colonel Tamper, Madam ! Shew him in ! [Exit fervent.] Now ladies. THE DEUCE IS IN HIM. 25 Bell. Now, filler! Work him heartily, cut him to the bone, I charge you. - If you thew htm the leaft mercy, you are no woman. Enter Colonel Tamper. - Tamp. This it is to have new fervants ! Not at home mdeed! A pack of blockheads, to think of denying my Emily to me. I knew the poor dear foul was a little out of order indeed, but [feeing Florival.J I beg pardon, Madam ! I did not know you had company. Etll. Oh, this gentleman is a partfcular friend of my filler's He is let irr at any time. Tamp. Hum ! [difordered: Emily. \ did not expeft to fee you return fo foon; Sir ! * Tamp. No I believe I am come fomewhat unex- 4 peftedly indeed, Madam! Emily. If your return had not been fo extremely precipitate, Sir, I ihodii have fent you a meflage on purpofe to prevent your giving yourfelf that trouble. nieffa Madam ! a nieffage! for what reafon ? ' F.mi.y: Becauie I am otherwife engaged. [iKi'h indifference. Tamp. Engaged ! " I don't apprehend you, Madam ! No ! you are extremely dull then j don't you fee I i.ave comyany ? - Was you at the opera 'latt night r Csptain Jchnfon ! [coquetting with Florival. 'lamp. I am thunder ftruck. Madam! Mifs Eaiily ! Madam! F.mify. Sir!. Colonel Tamper! -Sir ! 'faatf. I fay, Madam ! .- - ; v.;Vv. Sir ! Tnmp. S'death ! I have not power to fpeak to her This itiange and fudden alteration in your behaviour, Madan; - z/y. Alteration ! none a! all, Sir : the change is on your lie?, not mine. I'll bejiidg'd by this gentleman. Captain Johnton, here's n miniature of the Colonel, he fat for juft Wore he w<5Ht abiwd aiorw by C a goc-i z6 T H E D E U C E I S I N H I M. a good hand, and reckoned a ftriking likenefs* Did you ever fee a peer creature fo altered ? [giving a Iracelet. Flor. Why, really, Madam, there is, 1 mull own, a very vifible difference at prefcnt That black ribband [looking by turns on the figure and Col. Tamper] makea a total eclipfe of the brilliancy of this right eye and then the irregular motion of the leg, gives fuch a twill to the reft of the body, that lamp. Sir! But it is to you I addrefs myfelf at prefent, Madam!- I was once fond and fooii/h enough lo imagine, that you had a heart tiuly generous and fenfible, and flattered myfelf that it was above being ftaken by abfence, or affefted by events. How have 1-been deceived! J find that Emily. Pardon me. Sir! I never deceived you: nay, you fee that I difdained the thoughts of deceiving you even for a day. - Out of refpeft to our late mutual , attachment, I am refolved to-ideal openly with you: In a word then, everything between us muftnow be at an end. 'tamp. Confufion ! Every thing at an end ! andean you, you, Emily, have the courage to teii me fo ? Emily. Why not ? Come, come, Col. Tamper, vanity is your blind ft iie. Tamp. Zounds, Madam! Emil}\ Don't be in a pafiion! Do but confider the matter calmly : and though it may rather be difpleafing, jet when you have duly weighed all circumitances, I'm iure you muft do me thejuftice to acknowledge my firicerity. Tamp. I ihall run mad - Is it poftible, Emily! Sincerity do you call this? Diilimulation, damn'd diffimulation. Emily. Have patience, Sir! Thelofsof your whole fortune would have been trifling to me ; but how can I reconcile myfelf to this mangling of your figure?- Let me turn the tables on you for a moment ! luppofe now, Colonel, that I had been fo unfortunate as to have loft a leg and an eye, Ihould you, d'ye think, have letabed your aft'eftiga inviolable for me r* THE DEUCE IS IN HIM. 27 7amfi,-i'z\fe, falfe "woman .'Have a care, Emily ! have a care, 1 fay, or you'll deftroy your fame and hap- pinefs tor ever.---Confider what you are doing, ere you make a final refolution. You 11 repent your inconftancy, I tell you before-hand Upon my foul, you will -You'll have more rca'.bn to repent it, than you can poflibly imagine ! Emily. Why will you oblige me now to fay frock- ing things to you ? It goes againft me to tell you to, hut I can't even fee you now, without horror ; nay, was I even, from a vain point ot honour, to adhere to my engagements with you, I could never conquer my dilguit It would be a moil unnatural connection. Wou'd not it ? Captain Johnfon ! Tarn? Hell: .-'death! confufion! How fteadily (he perils in her perfidy ! Madam! Madam! I lhall choak xvith ia^e Hut one word, and 1 am gone for ever for ever, (or ever ' Madam ! Emily. What would you fay ? Sir ! Tamp. Tell me I hen and tell me truly ! Have not you received the addreflVs of that gentleman ? V.mily. He has honoured me with them, I confefs, Sir ! And every circumftance h lo much in his favour, that 1 could have no manner ot objection to him, but my unfortunate engagements to you But finer your ill fortune has invincibly divorced us from each, other, I think-! am at liberty to liften to him. 'fatuf>. Matchlefs confidence! ---might v well, Ma- dam ' -It is not then the misfortunes that have b?ta!- ten me, but the charms you have found in that o j r. - llcman, which have altered your inclination. fhr. Well, Sir! and what then ? Sir! Ti ,. l pro-fume, is not included, like an old manfiop-houle. i:i the rent-roll of your etlate, or the inventory of your ^oods and chattels. Her hand, f h;ip. her own propc-rtv, and (he may b?(lo\v it on jou, Ci me, or any hodv elfe ; juft as (lie pleales. Tfimf. You are a villain, Sir ! V\ ithdraw ! Bfi. Oh, heavens ! here will be murder I!L I beg you, Hr ! i'hr. O iKver fear me, Ma-.ian: ! I am not laoii: \ *3 T II k DEUCE IS IN HIM. polnooit as to contend with that gentleman- -~ Do you think I u'ould i'ct my ftrengtu and (kill againft a uoor blind man, and a ciipple ? 'lamp. Follow me, Sir ! I'll Toon teach you to life your own legs. flor. Oh the (lurdy beggar ! {lir ytur ftumps, and begone! here's nothing for you, fellow! "lamp. Villain ! y/or. Poor mar, ! 'Tamp Scoundrel ! Flor. Pr'ythce, man, don'r cxpofe youtfeir". Tamp. Puppy ? Flor. Poor wretch! Emily. What, quarrel before Ladies? oh, for lliame, Colonel ! Tamp. This is beyond all fuSerance I can contain no longer .Know then, Madam, [to Emily] to your utter confufion, I am not that mangled thing which you imagine me Yen may fee, Madam!--- [refuming bis natural manner. Emily. .Bel. Flor. Ha! ha! ha! ha! (laughing vialently. Emily. A wonderful cure of lamenefs and blindnefs Your cafe is truly cuiious, Sir ! and attefted by three credible witneffes Will you give us leave to print it in the public papers ? Tamp. Madam ! Madam ! Flor. I think the ftory would. make a good figure in the Philofophical Tranfaaions. Tamp. Sir ! Pel/. A pretty leg, indeed! .Will you dances jninuet with me ? CoJonel ! Emily. Your wounds are not mortal ? I hope, Co- lonel ! Tamp. No, Madam! my perfon, I thar.lc heaven, is ftill unhurt. 1 have my legs, both legs, Madam, and I will ufe them to tranfport me as far poffible from fo falfe a woman I have my eyes, too my eyes, Madam! but they fliall never look on you again, but as the moft faithlefs and ungrateful of your fex.^. , Emily. If I'm not furprifed.,how he could aft it fo well. THE DEUCE IS IN HIM. 39 wtli. Pray let .us foe you do it ovc? again, Colonel ! How was it ? Eh! [mimicking] hip-hop, hip-hop, like Prince Volfcius, I think. Tamp. I took that method, Madam, to try your truth, conftancy and afe&ion. I have found you void of all thole qualities, and (hail have reafon to re- joice at the effect -of my experiment as long as I live. Emily. If you meant to feparate yourfelf from me, you have indeed taken an excellent method. And a mighty proof you have given of your own nffe&ion, truly! Inllead of returning after an anxious abfence, with joy into my prefence, to come home with a low and mean fuipicion, with a narrow jealoufy of my mind, when the franknefs and generality of my beha- viour, ought to have engaged you to repofe the moft unlimited confidence in me. Tamp. The event, Madam, has but too well war- ranted my experiment. 'Emily. And foal! juftify it, Sir, dill more : for here before your face, I give my hand to this gentleman ; iblemnly declaring that it (hall nex r er be in your power to diffolvethe connexion formed between us. Tamp. As to you, Madam, your infidelity be your punilhment. But that gentleruaa frail hear from me. Ftor. I defy you, Sir ! Emily. Nothing farther remains between us - leave me, bir ! Tamp. I am gone, Madam ! and fo help me heaven, never, never to return [*" Enter Major Belford. Keif. How f going in a paffion !--Hold, Tamper -Ail m confufion!---! thought fo and came to fet matters to rights again. Ftor. What do 1 fee ! Major Belford J Major Bel- ford ! Oh! (faints. Self. Ha! my name! and fainting ! What can this mean? 3c> THE DEUCE IS IN H I M. mean ? [rims and takes her in bis arms] By heavens, a woman! May I hops that Hold, fte recovers-- I: is, it is (lie, my dear Florival herfelf, and we (hall ftiJl be happy. Tamf>. Belford's Belleifle Lady, as I live' My rival a woman ! I begin to feel inyfelf very ridiculous. Selj. What wonder, my love, has brought you hither, and in this habit ? Ffar. Oh, Sir, I have a long (lory to relate Ar prefent let it fuffic? to fay that, that Lady't bro- ther has been the nobleft of friends to me, and /he herfelf this mornin?generoufly vouchfaied to take me under her protection. Bf/f I am bound to them for ever. At my return I found letters rom your father, who, fuppofing >ou was in England with me, wrote to acquaint me, that he was inconfolabie for your lofs, and that he would content to cur union, It I would biu affure hi:n that you was fafe and well. The next poit (hall acquaint fcirrt n. our good fortune.-- -Well, Tiniper ! am not I a lucky fellow? Tamp Oh, Belford ! I am the moft miferable dog in the world. fielf. What, you have dropt your maflc, I fee you're on your own legs again---! met Prattle in the ftreet He ftopt his chariot to fpealc to me about vou, and I found that he had blown you up and difcovered to th'j Ladies, tnat you was returned quite unhurt and utiwour.ded from the Havannah. '//> Did that coxcomb betray me ? that accounts for ali E;ri!y's behaviour - Oh, Major! 1 am ruined pad redemption I have behaved moft ex- tr, v , ;ani!}- both to your Lady and Emily. 1 lha'I never be abic t.j look them in the face again. 1 fore taw this. Did. not I tJl yow t)i:u yo : .' would expofe yourfelf moft damnably ? Ho\v- "Ue for vo'J, my Fioiivai ihuli lie ; ; f/!j, and I make no doubt but you will again )Ln:iij Due ,/c u;i-vi've it ? Major ! Self. THE DEUCE IS IN HIM. 3 t Belf. Why, Madam, I can't fay much for him or myfelf either, faith- we rauft rely entirely on your goodnefs. Flor. He's a true penitent, I fee, Madam, and I'll anfwer for it, he loves you to excefs - Nay, look on him ! Emily. Was it well done, Colonel, to cherifli a mean diftrull of me ? to trifle with the partiality I had fliewn to you ? and to endeavour to give me pain, merely to fecurea poor triumph over my weaknefs to yourfelf ? Tamp. \ am afliamed to anfwer you. Ee'l. Afliamed ! and to you well may indeed .' 'Tamp. I lee my abfurdity - all I wi(h is to be laugh- ed at, and forgiven. Belf. A very reafonable requefl ! Come, Madam, pity the poor fellow, and admit him to your good graces again. Flor. Let us prevail on you, dear Madam ! Emily. Well -now 1 fee he is moA heartily mortifi- ed, 1 am half inclined to pity him. Tamp. Generous Emily ! Bell. Go, you provoking wretch ! 'tis more than you defer ve. [To Tamper. Tamp. It Ciall be the future fl.udy of my life to de- ferve this pardon [kij/ing her hand\ Belford ! 1 give you Joy- - Madam, [10- FlorivalJ I have behaved fo ill to you, I fcarcc i.now bow to give you joy as I ought. Btlf. Come, come, no more of thisatprefent * Now we have on all fides ratified the preliminaries, let us fettle the definitive treaty as foon as we can We have been two lucky fellows, Tamper I have been fortunate in finding my miftrefs, and you as fortunate in not lofing yours. Tamp. So we have, Belford : and I wiin every brave officer in his majefiy's fervice had fecured to hiin- felf fuch comfortable winter-quarters, as we have., after a glorious campaign. T H E N D. This book is DUE on the last date stamped below 10wi-ll,'50 (2555)470 UNIVERSITY OP CALIFORNIA OS ANGELES t/ay/Wi= A 000000835 9 .PAMPHIET BINDER Syracuse, N. Y Stockton, Calif.