BRARY UNIVCRSITY OF CALIFORNIA SAN i EX LIBRIS ROBERT ELSON ALDERLEY EDGE CHESHIRE. Jf. NEW PLAYS, js. each. THE PRINCESS MALEINE. A Drama in Five Acts. (Trans- lated by GKRARD HARRY.) And THE INTRUDER. By MAURICE MAETERLINCK. With an Introduction by HALL CAINE, and a Portrait of the Author. The Scotsman. " Both works are sufficiently original and powerful to have the attention of all who are interested in dramatic literature. There are passages of great beauty and force. 'The Intruder' is, in a different way, scarcely less impressive than Ibsen." THE FRUITS OF ENLIGHTENMENT. A Comedy in Four Acts. By Count TOLSTOY. With an Introduction by Mr. A. W. PINERO, and a Portrait of the Author. Pall Mall Gazette." The whole effect of the play is distinctly Molieresque ; it has something of the large humanity of the Master ; ks satire is genial almost gay." HEDDA GABLER. A Drama in Four Acts. By HENRIK IBSEN. Translated from the Norwegian by EDMUND GOSSE. With Portrait of the Author. Also a Large-paper Edition, with Three Portraits, zis. net, and The Vaudeville Edition, paper, is. Times. " The language in which this play is couched is a model of brevity, decision, and pointedness Every line tells, and there is not an incident that does not bear on the action, immediate or remote. As a corrective to the vapid, foolish writing with which the stage is deluged, ' Hedda Gabler ' is perhaps entitled to the place of honour." THS Hoi(se Jf In Three t,4cts BY ARTHUR W. PI NERO LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN uncccxcii COPYRIGHT, FEBRUARY 1892. All rights reserved. Entered at Stationers' Hall. Entered at the Library of Congress, Washington, U.S.A. INTRODUCTORY NOTE Six years ago dramatic conventionality exercised an even greater tyranny than it does to-day, and British playgoers were less prepared than now to look favourably upon any effort to resist it. That the persons in a play should be dealt with according to the probabilities of actual life, when these clashed with the dictates of theatrical custom and "poetical justice," was not to be endured. The expectations of an audience were held sacred, and were not to be tampered with. They were as inexorable as the laws of the Medes and Persians, and any dramatist who had the temerity to bring down his curtain without having first made all his sympathetic characters happy might expect little favour. But even at that time Mr. Pinero was always inclined to fly in the face of the theatrically conventional in some way or another, and he actually dared to write a play in which a young clergyman, for whom the deep sympathy of the audience was enlisted, was permitted to fall innocently and honourably in love with a married woman whom he had thought to be single, and to suffer pain on her account, without the husband being conveniently killed off in the last act to prepare the way for the clergyman's expected matrimonial happiness. And this play Mr. vi INTRODUCTORY NOTE. Pinero, having his own dramatic purpose in view, described as a comedy. "The Hobby-Horse" was produced at the St. James's Theatre, under the management of Mr. Hare and Mr. Kendal, on October 23, 1886, and it was acted until February 26, 1887, one hundred and nine performances being given in all. The following is a copy of the pro- gramme of the first representation : ST. JAMES'S THEATRE. LESSEES AND MANAGERS, MR. HAKE AND MR. KENUAL. THIS EVENING, SATURDAY, OCTOBER 2 3 rd, 1886. At 8 o'clock, WILL BE ACTED AN ORIGINAL COMEDY IN THREE ACTS, CALLED THE HOBBY-HORSE, WRITTEN BY A. W. PINERO. REV. NOEL BRICE . . . . Mr. HERBERT WAKING. MR. SPENCER JERMYN . . . Mr. HARE. MR. PINCHING Mr. C W. SOMERSET. MR. SHATTOCK ..... Mr. MACKINTOSH. MR. PEWS Mr. HENDRIE. MR. LYMAN Mr. W. M. CATHCAHT. MR. MOULTER Mr. THOMAS. TOM CLARK Mr. FULLER MKLLISH. HEWETT Mr. ALBERT SIMS. TINY LANDON Master REED. INTRODUCTORY NOTE. vii MRS. SPENCER JERMYM . . . Mrs. KENDAL. MRS. PORCHER Mrs. GASTON MURRAY. Miss MOXON Mrs. B. TREE. BERTHA Miss WEBSTER. MRS. LANDON , Miss B. HUNTI.EY. ACT I. A CHAPTER OF PHILANTHROPY. At Mr. JERMYN'S. Garden of Odium House, Over-Lessingliam, near Newmarket. ACT II. A CHAPTER OF SENTIMENT. Mr. BR ICE'S Lodgings: Overlooking the Church of St. Jacob' s-in-t/ie- East. ACT III. A CHAPTER OF EXPIATION. Odium House again ; the Morning Room. THE SCENERY PAINTED BY THE ARTIST TO THE THEATRE, MR. HARFORD. Though it would be unjust to write this play down a failure it was not exactly a success. That large section of the playgoing public which expects only to laugh at a comedy, was puzzled between the comic and the senti- mental aspects of the story, and therefore the attendance at the theatre gradually diminished. On the other hand, there were many who saw that this play was intended as a satire on those false philanthropic fads which are a sign of a sentimental age; who recognised in the viii INTRODUCTORY NOTE. abortive love affair of the young curate, not an injustice done to their theatrical sympathies, not a capricious piece of cruelty on the part of the author, but the dra- matic means by which the disastrous consequences of misdirected philanthropy were to be emphasised. That the play should have been called a comedy pro- voked the ire of some of the critics, who promptly repeated the charge of cynicism which has so often been hurled against Mr. Pinero for his efforts to be as true to life as the restricted conditions of dramatic composition destined for the stage will allow. And to-day, if you ask Mr. Pinero to define a comedy, he will playfully tell you it is a farce written by a deceased author. Perhaps "The Hobby-Horse," in its defiance of the conventional demand for wholesale conjugal happiness in the last act, though an ample supply was conceded, was a little before its time ; perhaps in 1886 it still required the Ibsen controversy to clear the theatrical air for the acceptance of such a progressive step as the sacrifice of the curate's feelings and future domestic comfort to the artistic design and satirical purpose of the play. Had "The Hobby-Horse" been produced at the present time, who knows but it might possibly have met with greater success, for though we may still quarrel about the defini- tion of comedy, we do not still insist on every occasion that everybody shall be made absolutely and irrevocably happy before curtain-fall. MALCOLM C. SALAMAN. THS TSI^SONS OF TH8 MR. SPENCER JERMYN MRS. SPENCER JERMYN MR. PINCHING Miss MOXON REV. NOEL BRICE BERTHA TOM CLARK MRS. PORCHER SHATTOCK PBW& LYMAN MOULTER MRS. LANDON TINY LANDON HEWITT THE FIRST ACT A CHAPTER OF PHILANTHROPY THE SECOND ACT A CHAPTER OF SENTIMENT THE THIRD ACT A CHAPTER OF EXPIATION THE HOBBY-HORSE THE FIRST ACT. A CHAPTER OF PHILAXTROPHY. The scene is the garden and exterior of a picturesque old country-house, with gables and porch all over- groivn with flowers, the residence q/Mn. SPEXCEU JERMYN. It is a bright May morning. SHATTOCK comes cautiously along the garden italic, fol- lowed by PEWS. SHATTOCK is a bony, ungainly- looking man of about forty, with high shoulders, rounded back, close- cropped head set forward, and a sallow, keen-eyed face ; PEWS is a snub-nosed, red-faced, fat little man. Both are dressed horseylij, and have a very broken-down appearance. SHATTOCK. [Turning sharply upon PEWS.] S.ssh ! Can't you turn off that music ? PEWS. [Panting and wiping his forehead.] No, I cannot if you allood to my breathing a bit heavy. A 2 THE HOBBY-HORSE SHATTOCK. You're a nice broken-winded gentleman to bring out on a quiet delicate expedition. Didn't I tell you, Edward Pews, that it ain't our book to meet the ladies ? Breathe in your 'at. man ; breathe in your 'at. PEWS. You knew I was a roarer when you brought me here, Samuel. I 'ave been so ever since I got ducked at Doncaster in '84. SHATTOCK. [Crouching on the steps and looking into (IieJiousc.] There they are I see 'em, all of 'em 'aving their morning feed. Mr. Spencer Jermyn is a glanciu' at the newspaper a little curious about the prices for the Grand Pree apparently. Mrs. Jermyn is a toy- ing with a hegg. Oh, you beauty ! Who's the other? Oh, Miss Moxon, the lady stayin' in the 'ouse, makes a bad third. All right Jermyn'll show directly. He said he'd be 'appy to see myself and friend this morning at 10 A.M. PEWS. Did he ! Then why the dooce are we sueakin' up to his 'ouse, huggin' the rails instead of takin' the middle o' the course fair and open.? SHATTOCK. I'll tell you, Edward then p'rhaps you'll breathe a little peaeefuller. You've seen this 'ere Spencer Jermyn ? THE HOBBY-HORSE 3 PEWS. At pretty nigh hevery race-meetiug for the last ten years. I've see him at Lincoln I've see him at Liverpool I've see him at the Epsom Spring I've see him 'ere at Newmarket I've see him at the Epsom Summer I've see him SHATTOCK. Very well, you've see him that's enough. D'ye know the party in question ? I can't say as we've ever chummed, but I've heered him classed as a generous patron of the turf and a good and game thoroughbred Henglish gent. SHATTOCK. You've hit it you've enoomerated Spencer Jer- myu's points more than accurate. He's a man wot loves the 'orse and all them wot has to do with the 'orse he loves racin' and sport and pluck, and he'.s got a open 'and for any broken-down sportsman. Some say that hintellectually Mr. Spencer Jermyn wouldn't pass the Vet. Well, 7 ain't going to howl about that. If Spencer Jermyn takes a lovin' fancy to Samuel Shattock, ex-jockey, ex-trainer, ex-book- maker, hexhex - PEWS. Hex-welsher. That's a friendly comment, Edward ! [Loftkimj into - house.] Hullo, they're etirrin'. 4 THE HOBBY-HORSE PEWS. But you 'aven't told me, Sara, why you want to fight shy of the women folk. SHATTOCK. Why ! Because Mr. Spencer Jermyn has gone and married a lady who don't know a 'orse from a 'am sandwich ; a female with no more lovin' sympathy for the Turf and them wot lives by it than than the chaplain of York Prison. PEWS. Hush ! drop a wait over the past, Sam. SHATTOCK. " Always keep out of the way of the ladies, Mr. Shattock," says Jermyn to me. "Mrs. Jermyn has no eyes for anything but her little ragged urchins." PEWS. What's he mean by that f SHATTOCK. Why, he's married a woman with a craze. She's a a a a philant'ropist PEWS. Crikey ! SHATTOCK. Never 'appy but wot she's picking up dirty little boys and girls and takin' them home and washing and combing 'em, and giving 'em cake and sermon. As if his pLulant'ropy wasn't as good as her philan- THE HOBBT-HOIiSti 5 t'ropy ! As if we didn't want washin' and combiu' as much ay, more than the dirtiest boys and girls in England ! Look out ! [MRS. LANDON, a poor widow, comes up the walk, leading TINY LANDON. a small boy.~] There ! What did I tell you ! Here's one of Mrs. Jermyn's little devils, ready to take the bread out of an honest man's mouth. [SHATTOCK steps forward to meet MRS. LANDOX.] MRS. LANDON. I beg your pardon, sir I want for to see the lady, Mrs. Jermyn. SHATTOCK. Tall, fair lady? Went down that theer avenue about twenty minutes ago. Am I correct in what I am sayin', Mr. Pews ? PEWS. I certainly see a tall, fair lady goin' down the ave- nue, a carrying a red plush bag with a monygrani on it. MRS. LANDON. Eh k but she told me not to fail to bring my little boy this morning. I am that disappointed. SHATTOCK. She was similarly anxious for to see Mr. Pews I 'ave brought 'im miles and miles. We're all in the same basket, seems to me. [HEWETT, a (/room, comes from (he house.] HEWETT. [Tu PEWS and SHATTOCK.] Hullo, what do you want? 6 THE 110BBY-HOR8M SHATTOCK. We're a' waitiu' for to see Mr. Jermyn, Mr. Hewett. Don't hasten him, sir our time's our own. HEWETT. Ob, good-morning, Mrs. Limdon. Mistress said I was to take you and Tiny to her room d'rectly you came. MHS. LANDON. These gentlemen thought they saw her go out they must have been mistaken. HEWETT. Taint the first time in their lives they've been mistaken, I dare say. Come along o' me. [MRS. IiUSDOX follows HEWETT up the step? (o (he house.] SHATTOCK. [Ctiffiny TINY, who runs after his mother.} You get shown in, do you you pushing little cad ! [MR. JERMYN, a smart, dapper little man of forty-fire of fifty, with a sporting appearance, cornea throuyh the porch and meets HEWETT, MRS. LANDON, and TINY on the steps.] JERMYN. Ah, Mrs. Landou, how do you do ? Getting over your trouble ? MRS. LANDON. Slowly, sir. THE HOBBY-HORSE 7 SPEXCER JERMYX. Your boy doesn't grow much put him into a stable and make u jockey of him. [MRS. LAXDOX and TIXY go inside with HEWETT.] Lord bless me ! Another rackety little imp running about the place we're swarming with 'em. Ah, if my scheme should by any chance satisfy Diana's philanthropic cravings, what a relief it would be ! SHATTOCK. \M>'i'tiit.] .Now my notion is to fit and furnish this house siibstantially and usefully, and to endow it as a Home for about twenty decayed jockeys and stablemen, men like yourselves, who have outlived their chances on the turf and fallen on bad days. There, Mr. Shattock, what do you think of that ? THE HOBBY-HOUSE 11 SHATTOCK. Tell me, mister are you henteriiig us for the temperance stakes? SPENCER JERMYN. How dare you put a question like that? Where's your gratitude for the bare idea? SHATTOCK. I \vas a thinkin' of Mr. Pews too little is as bad as too much for a niaii like Edward Pews. SPENCER JERMYN. We'll discuss that by and by. The point is, Mr. Shattock, can you find twenty men who would be willing to lead honest, sober, decent lives ? SHATTOCK. Well, off hand I shouldn't like for to pledge my- self to sich a undertaking. SPENCER JERMYN. Men with some good sterling qualities in them behind all their faults and weaknesses. SHATTOCK. Well, you sec I dessay I've rather spoilt you by .showing you me and Mr. Pews fust. However, you leave this 'ere to me and if there is on the face of this yer earth twenty honest broken-down sportsmen willing for to be kep' free and liberal I'll bring 'em to the post fit and fine. 12 THE SPENCER JERMYN. Thank you thaiik you. It's a grand scheme ! I long to break it to Mrs. Jermyn if she takes to it whv, ha, ha ! who knows, \ve may see her at Ascot yet! [PINCHING, a pleasant but rather weak-looking youvy man, in riding costume comes up the walk.] PINCHING. How are you, Jermyn ? SPENCER JERMYN. My dear Pinching. PINCHING. I'm behind my time the mare lost a shoe, so I had to leave her at Lessingham and walk on. Are these gentlemen two of your proteges ? SPENCER JERMYN. [ With pride.] Yes. You're smiling, Pinching don't, my boy, don't ! I can't get you to treat this matter with professional earnestness. Er um Mr. Shattock, this is Mr. Ralph Pinching, of New- marketmy solicitor. [The men bow uncomfortably.} PEWS. Oh, crikey ! SHATTOCK. [Under his breath.] 'Ere's a element to creep in. THE HOBBY-HORSE 13 SPENCER JERMYN. Now, ray men, I am leaving here this morning, almost immediately, and it is possible that I shall be away for nearly a month. But during my ab- sence, Mr. Shattock, you will communicate with Mr. Pinching as if he were myself he has my full in- structions. [HEWETT comes from the house.] Hew- ett, don't forget I go to town by the twelve-fifteen. Put Romper in the cart. HEWETT. Yes, sir. SPENCER JERMYX. And give these men something to eat and drink. SHATTOCK. [To HEWETT.] Now you've got to show us in. HEWETT. Yes kitchen. SHATTOCK. Cad! [HEWETT goes towards the house with SHATTOCK and PEWS.] PINCHING. And now, my dear Jermyn, I've something really serious to talk to you about. SPENCER JERMYX. Good gracious, Pinching ; serious ! 14 THE I10PB7-1IOKSE PINCHING. Yes you shall lind me your man of business m renl earnest for a few moments. Sl'KNCKH Lord bless me, Pincliiug, you don't mean - PINCHING. That I have some news of your boy, Allan ? Yes, I think so. SPENCER JERMYN. My boy ! my boy ! Get on, sir ! get on ! For heaven's sake, don't go to sleep about it. It isn't that I'm in a hurry to hear anything of that scamp of a boy, but I have to catch the twelve-fifteen God bless him ! [PINCHING produces a pocket-book.] PINCHING. Now tell me. Jerniyn when did you quarrel and part with your son ? I particularly want dates. SPENCER JERMYN. Certainly it was just before the Middle Park Plate PINCHING. No, no, please legally, that is not a perfect date. SPENCER JKRMYN. Well, it was about six mouths before my marriage to Diana. THE HOBBY-HORSE 15 PITCHING. And you married the present Mrs. Jermyn a little over a \enr ago ; come, that's better. [Turning over ?<>ii' paper*.] Now, about the time this quarrel oc- curred, I find that a young man named Thomas Clark shipped himself on board the steamship Pen- guin, bound for the Australian ports, as a common sailor. SPENCER JEBMYN. Pooh ! On the wrong scent that wouldn't be my boy Allan. PINCHING. This Thomas Clark left some clothes behind him at a lodging in the East of London. SPENCER JERMYN. Allan wouldn't have done that on the wrong scent, sir. PINCHING. The landlady subsequently sought the advice of the Police as to her right to dispose of this property. It was ultimately sold, but there exists a memoran- dum on the Police books that some articles of ap- parel belonging to Mr. Thomas Clark were marked "A. J." SPKNCKH JERMYN. That's my boy ! PINCHING. I fancied it might be. 16 THE HOBBY-HORSE SPENCER JEBMVN. Fancy ! There's no fancy about it ! You surely haven't let the matter drop? My dear Pinching, you are neglecting this business altogether I could have managed it better myself. It's not profes- sional ! PINCHING. Pray be calm, Jermyn, and hear me out. SPENCER JERMYN. Excuse me, Pinching. I am much obliged to you for your energy in this affair. Go on. PINCHING. It appeal's that the boy signed articles with the owners to make four voyages in the Penguin. SPENCER JERMYN. And did he ? PINCHING. Thomas Clark did and finally discharged himself at the East India Docks about a month ago. SPENCER JERMYN. And where is he now ? PINCHING. That is just what I am trying to find out. SPENCER JERMYN. Trying to find out ! Kubbish, sir ! PINCHING. What I mean to find out. if I can. THE HOBBY-HORSE 17 SPENCER JEKMYN. [Taking PINCHING'S hand.] Tbaiik you, old fellow ; you are a good friend. Bring my boy back to me again, Pinching, for two reasons. PINCHING. Two reasons ? SPENCER JEKMYN. Well, iu the first place Diana has never seen him and a woman ought to know what her son is like. And, secondly, Pinching, in our quarrel the boy was right and I was wrong. PINCHING. Dear me ! SPENCER JERMYN. It was a serious business. He fancied Medusa for the Middle Park Plate and I had a strong liking for King Caraway. But he said that King Caraway wasn't fit to run without a respirator and that irri- tated me, Pinching, and we had hot words and I saw him go out at that gate, sir, and we never met again. And next day when I watched the racing I was still so indignant, Pinching, that I could hardly steady my glasses. But the boy was right, God bless him ! And I want to tell him what I felt when I saw that confounded King Caraway go to pieces at the Abingdon Dip, sir, while Medusa, my dear boy's fancy, romped in like a ballet-girl 1 (Miss MOXON, a prettily dressed young lady, appears in the porch.] T11K Miss MoXON. Ml 1 . Piiicbiug. PINCHING. Ob, how do you do, Miss Moxou ? Miss Moxox. Mrs. Jermyn wants to know if you Lave break- fasted. PINVIIIM;. Yes thank you. Miss Moxox. Oh, do come iu ! It is almost my last hour ill Odium House, Mr. Pinching I'm going away this morning for good. PlXC'HIXU. Going away ! No ! Miss Moxox. {To JERMYN.] Will you give poor unfortunate me (i lift to the station to catch the twelve-fifteen, Mr ( Jermyn ? HPEXCEII JEBMYX. I'm sorry to assist at your departure, Miss Moxou. However, I'll tell Hewett we'll go over in the car- riage. [JEBMYX leace* (ifm, l, dtreclly he i# out f sty/it. Miss Moxox runts down (he 6-/e/w and PINCHING takes h<-r hand.'] PlXt'HIXG. Going away, Miss Moxon ! THE noBBr-uoRsu 10 Miss Moxox. Yes ; isn't it awful ? And I am so happy here with Diana. I feel I shall never be happy again, Mr. Pinching never, never, never. PINCHING. But why are you going ? Miss Moxox. [Sitting.] It is my duty. PiXCHIXG. [Sitting close fcsidc her.] Duty ! Miss Moxox. Duty. [JEKMYX returns quickly.] SPEXCEK JEKMYX. Oh, by the bye, Pinching - [Pixcmxo a)>rf Miss Moxox rise, guiltily. All three are embarra.wd.] I just wanted to say er um - [Looking at Miss Moxox.] Excuse me, Pinching won't you ? Plxcmxa Certainly, Jermyii. SPEXCEK JEKMYX. Don't tell Mrs. Jermyn this morning of our dis- coveries about my boy Allan. PINCHIXU. Certainly not, if you don't wish it 20 THE HOJWY-HOnSE SPENCER JEKMYN. It is rather a sore subject between us ; Diana always points to the loss of my boy as one of the evil results of horse racing 1 , and as I'm just go- ing to divulge my scheme for the Jockeys' Home at Shodley Heath, I particularly want her to be in a good temper to-day. That's all, Pinching. [Look- ing at Miss MOXON.] Excuse my my awkwardness, won't you ? Charming woman, Miss Moxon. Er li'm ! I shan't see you again for five minutes, Pinch- ing. [JEKMYN fjoes into the house.] Miss MOXON. [Strolling towards PINCHING.] Were you saying anything to me, Mr. Pinching, when dear Mr. Jer- myu came back ? PINCHING. Oh, yes why is it specially your duty to run away from friends who who like you so well, Miss Moxon ? Miss MOXON. Why, don't you know that I am a very, very poor woman, Mr. Pinching ; that I had nothing-a-year settled on me by my parents, who died almost be- fore I was born ; and that I have been some sort of a governess ever since I could lisp, and shall remain one till I am qualified for an almshouse. PINCHING. No I only know that you were a schoolfellow of Mrs. Jermyn's, and that you have been a guest at THE HOBBT-HOnSK 21 Odium House for the last three weeks, and that and that Miss Moxox. Yes? PINCHING. And that my legal visits to Mr. Jermyn have lately been very protracted. Miss Moxox. Thank you ! You're the only lawyer I've ever known as well as this. PINCHING. You are the only governess I have ever known as well as this. Miss MOXON. I never imagined a lawyer was so young. PINCHING. Oh, yes it's only in books that we suffer from chronic old age. Miss MOXON. After to-day, when I am far, far away from Odium House, I shall always think pleasantly of a lawyer. PINCHING. And I shall always think pleasantly of a governess. Miss MOXON. Of governesses in general, do you mean or a governess ? 22 77//7 PINCHING. A governess. Miss MOXON. [LooL'iiif/ rum)/.] Then do you know any other governess ? PINCHING. No! Miss MOXON. Oh! [MRS. JERMYN, a stately, handsome woman of about thirty, appears at ike top of the steps leading TINY LANDON by the hand.'] MBS. JERMYN. Won't you come into the house, Mr. Pinching? Constance, dear, you said you would look after Mr. Pinching. Miss MOXON. I am doing so, Diana. [Mr.s. JERMYN and TINY come down the step* . Miss MOXON and PINCHING ascend.] PINCHING. Thank you, Mrs. Jermyn. Am I too old to com- pete with this young gentleman for a permanent lo- cation at Odium House ? MRS. JERMYN. Ah, Mr. Pinching, don't you be unsympathetic. I fear my husband's indifference is contagious. Go in, please I am looking for Mr, Jermyn. [Miss THE HOBBY-HOU^l. 23 MOXON and PINCHING go into the Jtouse. MRS. JERMYN goes down upon her knees before the child, smoothing his hair and poKsMng his face with her handker- chief.] There, my dear little fellow the sight of you ought to soften any man's heart. Where is Spencer? Ah, Tiny if you could but realise it the success of a grand, a beautiful scheme depends upon the impression you make upon Mr. Jermyn. TINY LANDON. [Trying to avoid the pocket-handkerchief.] Oh, don't ! i [JERMYK enters and contemplates MRS. JERMYN and t/t. child with annoyance.] SPENCER JERMYN. There's one of those beastly little boys. Diana, my darling, I'm afraid I shall have to say good-bye very soon. MRS. JERMYX. And when am I to see you again, Spencer ? SPENCER JERMYN. H'm ! Well, Diana, as you know, I am going to Paris to-night for the Auteuil Steeplechase. MRS. JERMYN. Oh I SPENCER JERMYN. I shall remain over there till after the Grand Prix. Mus. JEHMYN. Ugh! 24 THE HOBBY-HORSE Si'ENCER JERMYN. And then, my clear, I suppose I had better MRS. JKRMYX. Return home, Spencer ? SPENCER JERMYX. "Well, Diana, I was about to say that I had better then er urn push on to Ascot. MRS. JERMYN. And have you been as precise in your arrange- ments for my occupation, Spencer? SPENCER JERMYN. Certainly certainly I have thought a great deal about that. In fact, I I that is well, my dar- ling, I understood that old Mrs. Hetherington had been pressing about your staying in Hans Place. It is the London Season, you know. MRS. JERMYX. There can be no season anywhere for a wife with- out her husband. SPENCER JERMYX. My dear Diana, I am delighted to hear you say that. I do leave you a great deal I am always flying here, there, and everywhere. It is wrong it is damnably wrong ! MRS. JERMYN. [Holding her hands over TIXY'S ears.] Spencer, the child ! THE HOBBY-HORSE 25 SPENCER JERMYX. Ugh ! I beg your pardon, Diana but confound that ugly child ! MRS. JERMYX. Oh, no ! SPEXCER JERMYX. I repeat, it is wrong that I should go about in this way alone. Therefore let us remedy it MRS. JERMYN. Willingly. SPENCER JERMYN. Ah, that's right, my darling. MRS. JERMYX. But I fear, Spencer, that you overestimate your powers of resolve iu thinking that you can forego those dreadful race-meetings. SPENCER JERMYN. My dear Diana, I don't suggest that. I was about to propose that you accompany me. MRS. JERMYN. Spencer ! Pray respect me a little ! [TINY sit a at the foot of a tree with a book.] SPENCER JERMYN. Husbands and wives are seen together at these places. MRS. JERMYN. What grade of wife ? 26 THE IlOfittY-HOHUE SPENCER JKHMYV. What grade of wife ! Why, the the the ordinary sort of married wife. MRS. JERMYN. Then I am not the ordinary sort of wife. I confess I may possess one faculty less than other women that faculty is The Stable, the Stable in all its bear- ings and influences, public and private. SPENCER JERMYN. Diana, this is simple prejudice ? MRS. JERMYN. What is a stable your own stable, for which you so often leave me? It is the least comfortable part of our premises, where common men are always shouting " Get back," or " Come over," and carrying about pails of water ! SPENCER JERMYN. It isn't the stable, Diana it's the horses, the noble, intelligent horses. MRS. JERMYN. The only use you find for them is to drag you or carry you from one place to another. SPENCER JERMYN. Don't they do it well ? MRS. JERMYN. Certainly then let it end there. When a train TUE HOBBY-UORSE 27 does the same thing in an eighth of the time you don't pat the steam-engine and smoke pipes with -the railway directors. And then, these dreadful festivals called The Races the races, where you put the very animal you profess to respect and ad- mire to a speed it was never meant to attain, and where your jockey lashes and wounds the beast he rides because the poor thing is too fragile to ' ; make the pace," or too intelligent to risk breaking a blood-vessel. The Races ! A mere Bacchanal of vulgarity and depravity, whose vice sinks into a man until his very tongue becomes furred with it and he can speak only in the shibboleth of the Bet- ting Ring. SPEXCEU JERMYX. My dear, Sport is the natural wear of man, like his coat and trousers it is perfectly becoming that a woman should not adopt the one or the other. MRS. JKRMYX. Spencer ! SPEXCER JEUMY.V. The instinct of Sport is born in us. In all prob- ability Adam had a gun license and as there were horses in Eden there you have the origin of Ascot. It was the presence of Eve which made it a ladies' meeting. MRS. JERMYX. Hush, Spencer the child ! SPEXCEB JERMVX. Riciug is my hobby my weakness, if you like. 28 THE HOBBY- U01&K Bless my soul ami body, you have u bobby which is a weakness ! MRS. JKRMYN. And pray what is that, Spencer ? SPENCER JERMYX. [Pointing to TINY.] There's an animated fraction of it over there. There are four or five more of them stabled I beg your pardon, Diana domi- ciled in our house at this moment. I don't bring my horses indoors. MRS. JERMYX. A few local orphans happen to be occupying the nursery. You know you must be aware that we have no other use for the nursery. SPENCER JERMYX. My dear Diana, if we are to argue let us argue re- spectfully and fairly ! MRS. JERMYX. I admit, Spencer, that I am absorbingly interested in little boys. To wander freely through the courts and alleys of the most wretched districts of London, finding small human treasures amongst the flot- sam and jetsam of the great metropolis, is the fur- thermost ambition my mind can grasp. [Coaxing- ly.] Promise me, Spencer, promise me that when the summer is gone and the chill misery of the wet winter is upon us, that you will spend a day with me in Poplar ? THE HOBBY-HORSE 29 SPENCER JEUMYN. No, Diana, certainly not any clay in Bond Street MRS. JERMYN. Ob, you are odious ! SPENCER JERMYN. Our own parish of Over-Lessiugham contains enough poverty to satisfy any moderate philanthro- pist ; do what you like here. MRS. JERMYN. Spencer ! You mean that ? You give me per- mission to do what I please in Lessingham for the welfare of our poor people ? SPENCER JERMYN. Certainly, my darling and I was about to tell you of an idea of mine for enlarging your scheme of operations. MRS. JERMYN. Oh, you dear old darling ! Sit down there ! And I'll sit at your feet as I used to before we before we SPENCER JERMYN. Before we were philanthropists. MRS. JERMYX. Before we were married. And Til give you back your old nick-name of " Nettles." SPENCEII JERMYN. Thank you, Diana. 30 THE HOBBY-HORSE MRS. JEHMYX. \l*incMivj his chin.] Good-humoured, irritable, irritating old Nettles ! And I'll tell you nil about the great big plan I've had in my poor anxious head for weeks, and weeks, and weeks. SPKXCEU JEKMYX. Do, my darling and then you shall hear my proposition, which I fancy MRS. JERMVX. Hush, Nettles, dear ; you do rattle on BO. SPEXCER JERMYX. I beg your pardon, my darling. Mus. JEKMYX, Nettles, dear. SPEXCER JERMYX. [Affectionately.] Yes, Diana. MKS. JERMYX. I don't believe we shall ever get a tenant for that farm-house at Shodly Heath. SPENCER JERMYX. Eh? MRS. JERMYX. It has been vacant so long why should we hot ourselves turn it to account. SPEXCER JERMYN. Well now, that's a little strange the same notion had already struck me. THE HOBBY-HORSE 31 MRS. JERMYX. Oli, you clear old Nettles ! I know ! Nettles has been having what he calls "a good time of it" at that awful Epsom. And yet I'm not angry with him. Well then, dear, this is my plan the chil- dren a I'L' in the way at Odium House in your way, I mean. SPENCER JERMYX. They certainly are. MRS. JERMYX. And when they all have the whooping cough it will be distressing to Nettle's ear, Now, why shouldn't we furnish the Shodly Heath farm SPENCER JERMYX. Diaua ! JEKMYX. Turn Mrs. Clegg, our old housekeeper, into a sort of Matron, and make the farm-house a Refuge for thirty or forty of my little waifs ? SPENCER JERMYX. My dear Diuua, to a very great extent my plan is yourf, MRS. JKRMYX. Oh! SPEXCER JERMYX. I had already determined to furnish the i'arni for benevolent purposes - 32 THE HOBBY-HOUSE MRS. JERMYN. Tiny Tiny Landon ! Come here ! [The child runs across to her ; she wipes his nose.'] MRS. JERMYN; Oh ! you precious little charge ! Tiny, kiss that gentleman, and make, oh, so much of him ! [She phtces the child on JERMYV'S knee / he struggles, and pushes fix? from him.] SPENCER JERMYN. Diaua, you will not let me explain. I certainly Lave arranged that the Farm at Shodly shall be a Home or Refuge but, pardon me, Diana, not, not for little boys. MRS. JERMYN. What ! Not for little boys ? SPENCER JERMYN; No, Diana. MRS. JERMYN. For little girls ? SPENCER JERMYN. No, Diana. MRS. JERMYX. For whom then is Shodly to be a shelter ? SPENCER JERMYN. I thought it would satisfy and delight you, Diana twenty decayed jockeys. THE HOBBY-HORSE 33 MRS. JERMYN. Oh! [SHATTOCK and PEWS lounge out of the home with pipes in their mouths.] SHATTOCK. [To PEWS.] 'Ats off the duchess ! MRS. JERMYN. Are these two of them ? SPENCER JERMYX. Samuel Shattock a friend of his. MRS. JERMYN. They are indeed decayed. SPENCER JERMYN. Diana, remember they were both of them little boys once. [PINCHING and Miss MOXON, talking earnestly, come out, of t/te house.] SPENCER JERMYN. [Angrily to SHATTOCK and PEWS.] Do try to make a favotmible impression tipon the ladies, please ! Put those pipes away. [They touch their hate and tap the contents of their pipes against the heels of their boots.] Miss MOXON. [Quietly to Mus. JKRMYN.] Diana, I'm almost a happy woman. 34 . TtiE MRS. JERMYX. I'm quite a wretched one. Miss Moxox. I really think llalph Pinching is in love with me, [Miss MOXON walks away ecstatically, PINCHING looking after her.\ SPENCER JERMYN. Oh, Pinching, I want yon to enter into my scheme with Mrs. Jermyn* [Qim-lh/.] Be sanguine about it. [PINCHING pays no attention.] Pinching ! PlNCIIIXG. Eh? Oh, yes. \Takiny JEKMVN'S ami.] Jemvyn, Miss Moxon's father was a captain in the Lancers. SPENCER JEIIMYX. Yes, yes, my boy. [PINCHING joins Miss Moxox and begins talking earnestly] I wish to goodness Pinching would be more professional ! Pinching, Pinching, my boy ! Mrs. Jermyn wants to hear your notions about the Home. PINCHING. [Carelessly.] Eli ? Oh, yes great fun. SPENCEK JERMYX. Mr. Pinching, I claim your attention for a few minutes, please. PINCHING. Certainly. THE IIO&BY-H01W! 3o SPENCER JEHMYN. [Pointing to a rustic table.'] There are pen, ink, and paper. [PINCHING whispers to Miss Moxox, then teats himself at the table. She takes a chair lj lii* title and tliey continue talking."] Diana, pray sit down. [As she is about to sit SHATTOCK hurries forward and dusls the seat with 1m handkerchief.] SHATTOCK. Oue moment, lady there, lady. MKS. JEKMYX. [Shrinking frorii him.] Thauk you ! [She ail* with TINY lj her side.] SHATTOCK. The more I look at you, lady, the more I see the likeness to my poor missus. [Pointing to MKS. JEHMYX.] Do you catch it, Edward ? PEAVS. Striking to yovxftwt missus. SHATTOCK. What do you mean, goin' on like that ? 1 mean the missus you hud when I fust knew you, Sum. SPENCER JEK.MYN. Hush, hush, hush! Diana, my dear, I want you to understand and so does Mr. Pinching [To 36 THE HOBBY-HORSE PIXCHIXG, u'Jia is engaged with Miss Moxox.] Pinch- ing! that all the thoughtful ness, all the charity of this notion has been animated by your beautiful, your magnificent example in dealing with little boys. That child is tearing your gown, Diana ; box his ears box his ears ! But, Diana, as Pinch- ing aptly reminds us Pinching, please ! as Pinch- ing reminds us, the world is not exclusively peopled by little boys. MRS. JERMYX. Is it peopled with anything more innocent, more precious than little boys ? SPEXCER JERMYX. Il'm ! No, my dear but you oughtn't to con- centrate innocence on Shodly Heath ; you ought to diffuse it. Now, men like Mr. Shattock step a little forward, Shattock ; my wife can't see you well men like Mr. Shattock are victims of lost oppor- tunities. SHATTOCK. True, lady. SPEXCER JERMYN. Mr. Shattock was once a jockey of considerable promise. SHATTOCK. I was brought low, lady, by being got at by the wealthy and unscrun'lous. Whenever I had a good mount, lady, and stood a chance of being in the one- two-three, 1 was always got at, lady. Examine the knuckle muscles of that 'and, lady. [MRS. JERMYN THE HOBBY-HORSE 37 shrinks back.] You may take my 'and in yours, lady. That 'and is developed through pullin' pulliu' 'ard. MRS. JEKMYX. What do you mean, man ? SHATTOCK. Pullin' a 'orse's 'ead when he was a' doin' too well, lady ridin* for to lose. Ah, lady, there's many a good 'orse wot Sam Sluittock has rode wot had tooth- ache in his back teeth for years followiu'. And see the hend of it ! Those there 'orses have conie to cabs and me to a 'ome on Shodly 'Eath. And it's a moral lesson, I say, and proud I am to preach it. SPEXCKR JEKMYX. You see, Diana, we have found some good here, I venture to think. MRS. JERMYN. At least you have developed an extraordinary talent for discovery. I wonder how it will strike Mr. Pilk- ington, the vicar. SPENCER JEKMYX. Oli, I've a fine plan for managing Pilkington. MRS. JERMYX. Have you ? His poor wife would be glad to know it. SJ-KNVKK JERMYX. I shall conciliate Pilkiugton by appointing a sal- aried warden. 38 TUE IIOBDT-UORSE MRS. JERMYN. Not a clergyman ! SPEXCER JERMYN. Certainly. PEWS. [To himself. \ Oh, crikey ! SPEXCER JERMYX. A young liberal-minded sporting parson. MRS. JERMYX. [Impatiently.] Oh ! SHATTOCK. Here, mister ! I slia'n't never get no twenty men to the post if a parson's going to hold the flag ! SPEXCER JERMYX. Silence ! I have never met so much senseless op- position ! SHATTOCK. Here, mister SPEXCER JERMYX. Shattock and Pews, you can go ! SHATTOCK. [ To MRS. JERMYX.] Speak for us, lady don't let 'im get his 'ead in this 'ere. Pull 'im, lady, pull 'im ! Oh ! here's another element crep' in ! [SHATTOCK and PEWS iake their leave.] TUB IIOVBY-HORSfi 30 SPENCER JERMYN. One would think I was a little boy no, by Jove, I should be better treated if I were. Pinching ! Mr, Pinching ! Miss Moxon, please really ! PINCHING. [Snatching up a pen and arranging a aheet of paper.] I'm waiting for you, Jerinyn. SPENCER JERMYX. The advertisement for the clerical papers. MRS. JERMYX. Ha ! [She sends TINY away.] SPEXC'EH JERMYN. [Dictating.] " Shortly Heath Home." MRS. JERMYX. Ha ! ha ! ha ! After all my plans ! SPENCER JERMYN. [Hemming.] " Opportunity for a Young Church- man in sympathy with our National Sports and Pas- times." MRS. JERMYN. There is no such man in existence ! SPKNCEH JEKMYN. Then there ought to be ! " The Founder " --[Miss MOXON and PINCHING are talking again.] Pinching - Miss Moxon upon my word, I " The Founder de- 4 THE IIOEB Y-IIORSE sires the co-operation, as Warden, of an open-minded, u n pre j udiced " MRS. JERMYN. Ha! ha! SPENCER JEKMYN. Mr. Pinching, will you oblige me by following me into the house with your papers. Diana, your be- haviour pains and vexes me ! [He ascends the steps and disappears through the porch. PITCHING follows with the writing ma- terials.] Miss MOXON. [Following PINCHING.] Is this then to be our good-bye ? PINCHING. I'm very sorry to have to run away. You won't think me rude, will you ? Do leave your address. SPENCER JERMYN. [Returning.] Mr. Pinching ! PINCHING. [To Miss MOXON.] Excuse me ! [He follows JERMYN hastily into (he house.] Miss MOXON. Leave my address ! What an end to everything ! Leave my address ! It's abominable ! One would think Mr. Jermyn did it on purpose to spoil my prospects ! THE JIOBBT-HOllSE 41 MRS. JERMYN. Mr. Jermyn would do anything to spoil anybody's prospects mine particularly. Miss Moxox. I ask, how is it possible for a woman to get mar- ried ? MRS. JERMYN. Would it were not possible ! A woman's only chance of happiness is in remaining single. Miss Moxox. I quite agree with you ; but I shouldn't mind being wretched with Mr. Pinching. MRS. JERMYX. I can't talk to you about Mr. Pinching, Constance ; I can't talk or think of anything but the blow which has fallen upon me. Miss Moxox. Don't consider me unsympathetic, Diana, but I can't talk to you about your blow. To think that lie sat upon this very seat and with the words, " Constance, my darling," in his heart was set to draw up an advertisement ! MRS. JKRMVX. To think that this is the end of all my dreams for the last few weeks, day and night ! This is the end of my pleasant picture of forty babbling babies roll- ing upon the grass at Shodly, filling the diamond 42 THE HODDY-IIOnSE casements of the farm-house with their fresh, ruddy faces, or making its old rooms ring with the rattle of their metal spoons ! Oh ! Miss MOXON. At the very moment of my life when Iain not get- ting younger ! At the very instant I am starting to London, to a nasty humiliating situation ! It's not giving him a chance, poor fellow ! MBS. JERMYN. My little boys ! My poor little boys ! Miss Moxox. But this is a grown-up man ! MRS. JERMYN. Ah, you don't worship little children. Miss MOXON. I could I want to but not so much other peo- ple's. MRS. JERMYN. The home I could make for them ! Miss Moxox. The home I could make for him .' [.SV//MJ/7 rffetiwt- rt]]i/ upon tin' x/^'.J Oh, let people come and trample on me I don't care. MRS. JERMYX. Constance, clear, don't Mr. Pinching may write to you. THE HOBBY-HORSE 43 Miss Moxox. No he's a lawyer. Ho naturally wouldn't com- mit his views to paper. Mi;s. JEKMYX. Then why not delay your journey to London ? Miss .Moxox. That's impossible. I gave my word a month ago that I would go to Mr. Brice this week at latest, and to-day is the last day of the week, and the twelve- fifteen is the only train to get me there by tea-time. Mits. JKBMYN. Mr. Brice ! "Who and what is Mr. Brice? Miss Moxox. I've never seen him ; he is the curate of the very poorest parish in London St. Jncob's-in-the-East ; that's all I know. MRS. JEKMYX. [bfttof&q%.] The poorest parish in London ! Miss Moxox. Mr. Brice has met with some accident and is going away for a holiday, and I am to look after his niece in his absence and help with the lion-id district vis- iting. JKKMVN. Help with the horrid district visiting ! Oh, how glorious ! how beautiful ! 41 THE HOBBY-HORSE Miss MOXON. How hateful ! how odious ! MHS. JERMYN. To you comes the opportunity that is denied to me and you despise it. St. Jacob's-in-the-East ! The East, the very Mecca of the pilgrimage I have dreamed of ! Oh, if I could but be in your place ! Miss MOXON. Diana ! MRS. JERMYN. Well ? Miss MOXON. Diana ! Would you like to be in my place really f MRS. JERMYN. Constance ! Miss MOXON. This Mr. Brice doesn't know me, has never seen me. I answered his advertisement in the Rera- phim when I was in London and he didn't even trouble to take up my references. He expects a Miss Moxon to-day not later than four o'clock ; that's all. If you desperately wish it, why shouldn't you be Miss Moxon for two or three weeks ? MRS. JERMYN. Oh ! Mr. Jermyn would never allow it. Miss MOXON. He will not be here. When he returns, you have been visiting ; there's the explanation. THE nOBBY-HORSE 45 MRS. JERMYN. The children in the nursery ! Miss MOXON. Leave me to look after the little darlings. MBS. JERMYN. Oh, Connie, I dare not play such u trick ! Miss Moxox. Ah. when you were courting I helped you I MRS. JERMYN. Besides, you forget everything ; how can I travel to town in the train with Spencer? Miss Moxox. I never thought of that. Oh, Ralph, llulph, why didn't you speak when you had the opportunity ! I know ! Di ! I can get you to town by the twelve- fifteen. MRS. JERMYX. Be quiet, Constance. Who would take me to the station ? Miss Moxox. Your husband ! Mas. JERMYX. He would know I'm not going visiting without any luggage ! Miss Moxox. He shan't know you're going to town to-day at all. 40 77/7? noimr-nonsE MRS. JKRMYX. You're quite mad, Constance. Miss Moxox. Never was saner in my life. [The roices q/* JERMYN and PINCHING are heard within.] SPEXOER JERMYX. [In the houw.'\ Make a careful copy of it, Pinch- ing. Miss Moxox. Your husband, and my Pinching ! Go indoors niicl wait till I come. [PINCHING and JERMYX come from the house, Ike lui- (''> dressed for travelling.] MRS. JERMYX. \To Miss Moxox.] Constance, mind! I can't I ^von't. JERMYX. Good-bye, Diana! I feel sure you will have grown to like my plans for the Shodly Heath Home by the time I get back. We we part affectionately I hope, Diana ? MRS. JERMYN. Certainly^ Spencer. SPEXCER J EKMYX. Good-bye, dear ! MRS. JERMYN. Good-bye" 1 [They shake hands. THE noZBY-HORSE 47 SPENCER, JEUMYN. [With assumed heartiness.} Good-bye, my darling ! Don't sit in any draughts. Good-bye ! [MRS. JEUMYN turns away.} SPENCER JERMYN. My dear Miss Moxon, you will never be ready to drive with me to the station. Miss Moxox. Oh, thank you, Mr. Jerniyn, but my arrangements are altered Diana has persuaded me not to go to- day. MRS. JEKMVX. \[n an ttndertone.] Constance ! SPENCER JEHMYX. I'm very glad, Miss Moxox. But there ia somebody I want you to take with you to the station ; not in the carriage, of course let her ride on the box with Gibbs. Will you ? SPENCER JERMYX. Certainly. Who is it ? Mtsis Moxox. Poor Mrs. Landon, who is obliged to go to Lou- don on business. Mils. JjKRMYN. [Under htr breath. \ Oh! [#/i.' rim.? in(ij (he /' j 1 43 THE HOBBT-nORSB SPENCER JERMYN. Diana's run away ! Ah ! poor Diana. Miss MOXON. I'll go after her. [She follows MRS. JERMYN into the house.] PINCHING. You'll telegraph to me, Jermyn, from time to time in case I should want to get at 3*011 suddenly, won't you ? SPENCER JKRM.YN. Yes ; but, Pinching, tlo you know that I've half a mind to let the Steeplechase and the Grand Prix go to the devil and stop at home ? Diana disap- pointed, poor girl ; and lonely, eh, Pinching? PINCHING. Well, Miss Moxon remains a little longer, and then there are the children. SPENCER JERMYN. That's true. Confound those children ! [HEWETT enters.] HEWETT. Gibbs has taken the carriage round, sir. SPENCER JERMYN. All right. Tell them I'm waiting. [HEWETT goes into the home^\ Good-bye, Pinching. It doesn't strike you that I am a bad husband to Diana, does it ? A brute does it, Pinching, eh ? TllK nOBBY-UQUXK 40 PINCHING. My dear Jennyn ! Don't think of such a thing. SPENCER JERMYX. Poor Diana. [HEWOTT comes out of the house carrying a travel liny bag and ruy.'] HEWETT. Have to look sharp to catch the twelve-fifteen, sir. SPENCER JERMYX. Of course of course. Where is that Mrs. Lan- tlon ? Mrs. Landon ! Mrs. Landon ! | Miss MOXON enters from the house, followed by MRS. JERMYX in MRS. LANDON 'a black shawl and bonnet and veil.] SPENCER JERMYX. [Testily.] Come along, Mrs. Landon, come along. [Turning to PINCHING.] Remember, Pinching - [He speaks in an undertone to PINCHING.] Miss Moxox. [To MRS. JERMYX, giving her an envelope.'] The Rev- erend Noel Brice, Number Eight Pelican Place, Great Raggatt Street, East. I'll send your luggage off to- night. MRS. JERMYN. Oh! SPENCER JERMYN. But where's Diana ? Surely she'll walk with mo to the gate V 50 TffK IIOIWY-HORXR Miss MOXON. Oh I she SPENCER JERMYN. I won't leave her like this. Confound the train ! I'll go back and kiss her ! Miss MOXON. Ah ! Mr. Jermyn, she's in the nursery with the boys. SPENCER JERMYN. Oh, the deuce ! Say I left my love. Look sharp, Hewett ! [JERMYN goes away, followed by HEWETT, MRS. JEUMYN hurry'tinj after them. PINCHING detains Mis? MOXON.] PINCHING. Miss Moxon, I shall be here on business to- morrow at eleven o'clock. May I see yon ? Miss MOXON. [About (o follow Mas. JERMYN.] Oh, indeed you may, Mr. Pinching. PINCHING. I wish to ask you a question which concerns my happiness. I I What's the matter ? [Miss MOXON gh-es a slight acream o/ut ware* her kauris toward the, house on if to L-t'<>[< .>n<<'<>n<- from coming ovt.~\ THE nojwY-nonsii - r >i Miss MOXON. No, no not yet ! [MRS. LAXDOX, without a bonnet or ahaicl, runs from the how lookiny about her.] PlXCHINU. Mrs. Landon! Mi:s. LAXDOX. Where's my boy ? I can't find my Tiny any- where. [Sh<* hurries away.] PlXCHIXO. Good gracious! Isn't that Widow Landon? Why, Jermyn thinks she's riding on the box-seat. Jermyn ! Miss Moxox. [Obstructing hi* \oay.~\ No, no. Mr. Pinching; don't, don't ! PINCHING. [Trying lo pass her.] Excuse me, Miss Moxon ; Jermyn ought to know of this ! Jermyn ! \Ifepas8e* Miss MOXON ; .*/? diny* lo ltim.\ Miss MOXON. No, no, ^[r. Pinching ! I I'll tell you something. POfCHUfO. I'll be back in a moment. 52 THE HOBBY-HORSE Miss Moxox. No, you mustn't ! What shall I do ? Mr. Pinch- ing ! I I I love you, Mr. Pinching! PINCHING. Oh, my dear Miss Moxon ! [They sink on to the (jnnhn-sedt side by side.] END OF THE FIRST ACT. THE SECOND ACT. A CHAPTER OF SEXTIMEXT. The scene is two rather commonly furnished sitting- rooms, separated by folding-doors, in a dull, som- bre lodging-house in the East End of London. Through the back windows is seen a large gloom;/ church. It is the dwelling-place of the KEY. NOEL BRICE. The "REV. NOEL BBICE, a pale, careworn-looking young man, is writing at a table, icilh his wrist bound tip, ivhile his niece, BERTHA, a pretty girl of about six- teen, is seen through the folding-doors making tea in the further room. NOEL BRICE. [As he writes.] "Now the question you must ask yourselves is, What is philanthropy? Because if it be not a mere nickname for some crazy idiosyn- crasy of the rich there is no reason why you poor people should not be true philanthropists." [He leans back wear Hi/.] How this wretched wrist throbs, to be sure. [BERTHA come* from th>' further room.] 54 THE HOBBY-HORSE BEUTHA. Uncle Noel, isn't Tom isn't Mr. Clark coming down-stairs to drink tea with us this evening I NOEL BKICE. [Resuming writing.] I don't know, Bertha, clear. \Ve can't expect the boy to be always gossiping here. BERTHA. [To herself.] But he said my tea was the best in the world. It doesn't sound like a thing a man would say if he didn't mean it. \To NOEL.] How many ser- mons for Sunday, Uncle Noel ? NOEL BRICE. Two. Dr. Porcher is too unwell to preach. BEIITHA. Which are you working at now ? NOEL BIIICE. The second. BEIITHA. Oh, then you're nearly finished. NOEL BKICE. No, dear I always begin with the second. BERTHA. Rest your hand a little while and let me be your amanuensis. TIIK HOBBY-HORSE 55 NOEL BHICE. No, thank you, ladybird, I'll wait till Miss Moxpu comes in. BERTHA. [ To herself.] He never lets me help him, and I'm his niece. Why does lie like dictating to Miss Moxon and not to rne ? He has only known her about nine or ten days and she is no relation at all. [Mas. JERMYN enters in walking costume.] BEUTHA. Here's Miss Moxon, Noel. MBS. JERMYX. [Kissing BERTHA.] Have I been out a very long time ? NOEL BKICE. It seems so. Where have you been doing good this afternoon ? MRS. JERMYX. Nowhere. I have been attempting to visit Tyke's Court. NOEL BRICE. Not alone '? Mas. JERMYX. No. I met the young gentleman Avho lodges up- stairs, Mr. Clark, and he went with me. BERTHA. [To herself.] My Tom. 50 THE IJOJWY-nORSK NOEL BRICE. And what is your opinion of Tyke's Court ? MRS. JERMYX. ' It is an unsavoury locality, which will gee me no more. I cry beaten, Mr. Brice I have failed again to-day. NOEL BRICE. Failed in what, Miss Moxoii ? MRS. JERMYX. Failed to come up to ray own aspirations. For days and days I have peered in at the opening of Tyke's Court and felt it my duty to tread a path through its decomposed cabbage-leaves. I have made innumerable cowardly excuses one day I have not felt well ; another, I had left my camphor at home, and so on. This afternoon I plunged. Oh ! the horror of it ! " Are you going to faint ? " Mi\ Clark asked me. "I think so," I whispered ; " get me out only get me out ! " He got me out, and I sat down in a chemist's. NOEL BRICE. Ah, visiting Tyke's Court is man's work. MRS. JERMYX. No, not even man's work. Tyke's Court ought to be visited and consoled by machinery. Oh, the men and the women ! I don't know which were which, but Mr. Clark assures me I saw both. TIIK BERTHA. Didn't you discover any children ? MRS. JERMYX. Mr. Clark said I did. There were some objects smaller than others those, I understand, were the children. BERTHA. When you first came to us, Miss Moxou, you were going to fondle all the little ones in our parish. MRS. JERMYN. Oh, so I would ! So I would, to-morrow now if somebody would only wash them ! NOEL BRICE. [Writing again.] Ah, we shall get them washed in time. MRS. JERMYX. In time ! [To herself.'] And I'm going home in a few days. BERTHA. There's a letter for you, Miss Moxon, on the mantelpiece. MRS. JEKMYN. [Rising and taking the letter.] Oh, thank you. BERTHA. [Quietly to her] Did Mr. Clark happen to say he was coming down stairs this evening to see Uncle Noel ? 58 mi-: nonnr-nonsE MHS. JERMYX. Yes, lie is coining [Kissing her.'] to see Uncle Noel. [BERTHA runs into the further room and goes out. Mus. JERMYX opens her letter.'] MRS. JERMYN. [To herself.'] From Constance ! Her letters make me tremble. [Reading.'] " Dear Di. I grow more horribly nervous about our escapade every day. I get absolutely no consolation from Mr. Pinching. Of course, after his discovery of Mrs. Landon, I was forced to admit that you had gone away on a Philan- thropic Mission ; but I refused to disclose your whereabouts, and his kisses are but on the brow." Poor Constance ; for my sake ! ' The servants gos- siped so at your sudden disappearance that I thought it best to tip them lavishly all round therefore. Mrs. Clegg, the housekeeper, has your new Indian shawl. No news of Mr. Jermyn beyond the Paris letter which I sent you, but Mr. Pinching went to London yesterday, and I can't get rid of the impres- sion that he has an appointment with your hus- band in town." Oh ! how near ; perhaps this very day, too ! ' ' Now, if Mr. Jenny n should return here prematurely what aw I to say ? I think I shall feign madness and babble incoherently. Dear Diana, do come home ! The blot which follows is a tear. Your engagement I mean my engagement I mean our engagement with Mr. Brice was merely as com- panion to his niece during his holiday. When do you expect him back? " [Looking at NOEL.] When do I expect him back ? He won't start, poor fel- 1UE HOBBY-HORSE 50 low ! " Get him home by all means ; no man, no curate at any rate, ever needs more than ten clays' rest, and you have been absent that time from your distracted Constance Moxon. P.S. I pulled a gray hair from my head this morning. N.B. About a dozen awful men have, taken up their abode at Shodly Heath Farm. We close all our shutters now." [Putting the letter in her pocket.] Oh, yes, I must extricate myself from this predicament to-mor- row the next day, at latest. What should keep me at St. Jacob's when I have failed so miserably in the work I thought my true mission ? [BERTHA re- turns to the inner room and busies herself with the tea-things.] But why hasn't Mr. Brice gone for his holiday ? I can't make that out at all. [NOEL is thinking, pen in hand ; she approaches the writing- table.] Mr. Brice. NOEL BKICE. [Starting.] Miss Moxou. MBS. JERMYX. Mr. Brice, have you forgotten why you engaged me er why you engaged a companion for your niece ? XOEL BIUCE. Xo let me see. I wanted a lady to do some of the easy visiting and to keep Bertha company while MRS. JERMYN. While you were absent from London on your holiday. 60 THE HOBBY- HOUSE NOEL BBICE. Ob, yes I was going away, wasn't I ? MRS. JERMYX. You were and aren't you ? NOEL BIUCE. Not now I've changed my mind. MBS. JERMYX. Changed your mind ! NOEL BRICE. The fact is, the rector and I don't agree very well, or, rather, Mrs. Porcher, his wife, doesn't like me and Mrs. Porcher is the rector, and both the churchwardens of St. Jacob's. She was very angry at the idea of my wanting rest, and besides be- sides, when you came I felt as if I no longer needed a holiday. Mus. JERMYX. I am afraid, Mr. Brice, I want to ask you now to let me to let me go. NOEL BRICE. Let you go ! Let you leave us, Miss Moxon ? MRS. JERMYN. To-morrow. NOEL BRICE. So soon ! TUK UOBBY-nORSK OL MRS. JERMYX. Or next day. Your niece no longer needs a com- panion, and I have failed wretchedly in my visiting, and and I have other reasons. NOEL BBICE. I am very sorry. MRS. JERMYN. Thank you. Dear Bertha will miss me. NOEL BRICK. Miss you ! Ah, so much. MRS. JEBMYN. And it is concerning Bertha that I want to leave a little warning behind me. Mr. Brice, who and what is this Mr. Clark ? NOEL BRICE. You don't dislike him ? MRS. JERMYN. Oh, I like him very much. NOEL BRICE. So do I, and that's nearly all I know that I like him. You see this sprained wrist ? Well, that might have taken the form of a broken head or a broken back but for Tom Clark. MRS. JEUMYN. A hero ! f>2 TITK HOBBY- HORSE NoKL BlUfK. No, a typical English lad. I interfered one night in a drunken riot down below here, near the docks. Clark came to my aid and we fought our way out of it, back to back. He had just come ashore from a voyage he's a sailor, you know so I got him a lodging upstairs, in tin's house and we're friends. That's Tom Clark. Mus. JKRMYX. Thank you, Mr. Brice. Now don't you think you hnd better find out something more about the boy as soon as possible ? NOEL BIUCE. Why? Mits. JERMYX. Why, in case he should fall in love with Bertha. NOEL BRICK. Fall in love ! MRS. JERMYX. Don't men fall in love, Mr. Brice ? NOEL BRICE. [Lookinfi at Itcr earnestly.] I beg your pardon yes, indeed. [There is a knock at the dour.} TOM CLARK. inff ontfi''H/.sm? 'manner, who 'jarries a Inrt/e fird-board bo.r.\ What have you got there, Tom ? TOM CIJVKK. I don't know dynamite, I think. The carrier left it at the door as I came down. [To MRS. JERMYX.] I hope you're better. Miss. JKISMYN. Very much, thank you. TOM CLARK. Oh, Miss Moxon was such fun at the chemist's. BERTHA. [Coming from the other room.] A box ! TOM CLARK. Addressed to "The Curate of St. Jacob's-in-the- E-ist." NOEL BRICK. Some response to our appeal for the poor chil- dren, I expect. BERTHA and MRS. JF.RMYN. \l>ri; l ,hi.'d.} Oh! NOEL BRICK. Open it for them, Tom. |7/i' (J* into fhe 1'nrtln'i- room and take* t// iil<' ih<' hrn womeiilook on eayerh/..] fi-t j'lW JIOMtr-I/OH8E TOM CLARK. I wonder what is inside guess. BEBTHA. I know little white frocks. MRS. JERMYX. No, Bertha, surely not brown frocks with small hollaud aprons are more serviceable. TOM CLARK. It's veiy securely done up. BERTHA. If it's frocks, there must be at least twenty. MRS. JKRMYN. It must be frocks ; the appeal was so piteously worded. BERTHA. Make haste, Tom it might be boots. MRS. JERMYN. Of course it is it's boots ! BERTHA. That's it it's boots ! MRS. JERMYN and BERTHA. Boots, boots, boots ! TOM CLARK. [Hoi with his exertion.] That's it ! [He takes the lid from the box and puts his hand inside.'] THE HOBBY-HOUSE 65 BERTHA. What is it, Tom ? It isn't fixjcks. MRS. JEBMYN. Nor boots. TOM CLARK. Here's a list on the top. [Producing an open sheet of note-paper.] A gold crest ! MBS. JERMYN and BERTHA. Oh! Ton CLARK. [Reading.'] " Portman Square. Mrs. Horace W. Pigott-Blundell, in response to the affecting appeal in to-day's paper, has pleasure in forwarding to the curate of St. Jacob's-in-the-East, for distribution among the deserving, thirty numbers of the Illus- trated London New*." [He throws the letter into the box and bangs the lid on it in disgust, saying to him- self.] And I paid one and eightpence for the carnage ! [He carries the box into the further room, fol- lowed by BERTHA.] MRS. JKRMYX. [Sitting at the writing-table.] Mr. Brice's sermon. [Reading.] " What is philanthropy ? " Ah, what is it ? Is it that bundle of picture papers, or Spencer's wretched freak at Shodly, or my foolish deceit in taking Constance's place here ? Shall I ever find out ? [ToM conies fo MRS. JERMYN.] TOM CLARK. Miss Moxon, are you inclined to help a fellow ? CG THE HOBBY-HORSE MRS. JERMYN. What fellow, Mr. Clark ? TOM CLARK. Look here! I like you, Miss Moxon. I think you're a brick, and I know you have a jolly lot of influence with Noel Mr. Brice. MRS. JERMYN. I! TOM CLARK. Yes, rather. And I want you to use it for me like a dear good soul. Will you ? MRS. JERMYN. How? TOM CLARK. In this way. [BERTHA comes from the further room carrying a cup of ted, in each hand, but stops short when she hears her name mentioned.'] I'm in love with Bertha ! I love her fearfully ! Nobody sus- pects it, because I'm so careful. But she's going shopping after tea and I'm to escort her and I know she'll take my arm. MRS. JERMYN. She won't if you don't ask her. TOM CLARK. But I feel I shatt ask her. I say to myself, " I love Bertha," all day long I go to sleep with the THE nOBBY-HOnSE 07 words on my tongue I wake up with them there they're there now. And when I talk to her as we trudge along the streets together I shall be obliged to open my mouth and out they'll roll won't they ? [BERTHA returns solemnly on tiptoe to the further room, carrying the cups.] BERTHA. [Li a whimper.'] I won't interrupt them just now. MRS. JERMYN. It seems to me that you don't want much assist- ance, Mr. Clark. TOM CLARK. But I shall, to get Noel's consent to our marriage ; because I want to be married at once. MRS. JERMYX, Oh ! Would next week do ? TOM CLARK, Yes, next week would do very well, thank you. As far as I'm concerned I could wait a week longer, but I'm not selfish altogether, Miss Moxon, and I'm burning to help old Noel. MRS. JERMYN. But I don't see how - TOM CLARK. "Why, Noel is awfully poor, driven like a slave, 68 THE HOBBY-HORSE worked to death. Ah, you don't guess what a fine chap he is. [They both turn to look into the further room. BERTHA is talking to NOEL, ivho is stroking her hairfondhjJ] TOM CLARK. Poor fellow ! MRS. JEKMYN. Poor fellow ! TOM CLARK. You know, when his brother died Noel took all the children. Bertha's grown up, but there are three very small ones with a nurse. And he gets a hundred and twenty a year from old Porcher. MRS. JERMYN. Oh! TOM CLARK. Too much, isn't it ? Well then, when I marry my Bertha I shall get him out of the grinding grip of old Mrs. Porcher and whip him off into the country, where he'll pick up his strength in a jiffy. See ? MRS. JERMYN. Oh, are you very well off, then ? TOM CLARK. Haven't a brass button, you know. MRS. JERMYN. Really, Mr. Clark ! THE HOBBY-HOUSE 69 TOM CLARK. But my dear old father is rich. He and I quarrel awfully. MBS. JEBMYN. Well, then, how TOM CLARK. Why, the moment I marry I write and break it gently to the dad ' ' Dear Dad, I'm married. Yours, et cetera ! " See ? MRS. JERMYN. Perfectly. That couldn't be a shock to him, could it? TOM CLARK. No. Well, then, what's the result ? Dad burning with anxiety to see my wife my wife ! Oh, doesn't it sound jolly? MRS. JERMYN. It sounds pretty well! TOM CLARK. I take her home ! I can picture father standing, glum and sulky, at the gate ! " Who's this ? " I can hear him saying it. " My wife, dad ! " " Your wife ! What, that pretty little fairy ! I like your taste, my boy come in, we dine at seven." See ? MRS. JERMYN. You seem to have thought out everything very carefully. 70 THE JIOBBT'HORSE TOM CLARK. Yes ; if every fellow were as cautious there wouldn't be so many injudicious marriages. NOEL BKICE. [At the folding-doors.} Tom, why don't you let Miss Moxon have some tea ? What are you discuss- ing? BERTHA. [Pulling NOEL back.] Oh, uncle, don't disturb them ! TOM CLARK. Just coming, Noel. [To MRS. JERMYN.] Be quick. I see you'll help a fellow ; won't you, eh ? Won't you? MRS. JERMYN. [To herself.] Would this be philanthropy, I wonder? But, my dear Mr. Clark, if you are so certain of Bertha's influence, why not gain your father's consent before your marriage ? TOM CLARK. Ho ! ho ! you don't know my dad ! When Bertha and I are married we'll ask you down. He's great fun. Besides, I've got a horrid stepmother. I know the kind of woman thin, pale lady with spectacles, black hair falling down like window-cur- tains over her forehead awful. NOEL BRICE. The tea is quite cold ! THE HOBBY-HORSE 71 BERTHA. [Taking him away.] Ob, no, it isn't not quite. MRS. JERMYX. I'm coming. TOM CLARK. [Seizing her hand as she is going into the further room.] Miss Moxon ! Oh, do get me married quickly ! Miss Moxon ! MRS. JERMYN. "Well, well, I'll think of what I can do TOM CLARK. Bless you for that, because you can do every- thing ! Ah, you're as good and as beautiful in your way as Bertha is in hers, and whenever a man falls in love with you, Miss Moxon, I hope he'll worship you as I worship my dear girl ! MRS. JERMYN. Oh, no ! Please don't say that ! [MRS. JERMYN goes into the further room to the tea- table as BERTHA with her hat on joins TOM.] BERTHA. I'm ready, Mr. Clark. It seems selfish of me to drag you out. TOM CLARK. Not at all. Are we going far ? BERTHA. No only just round the corner, to a hat-shop. 72 THE HOBBY-HORSE TOM CLARK. Oh, don't you know any distant hat-shop. BERTHA. Yes, but I always deal at this particular one. [NOEL comes from the other room reading a news- paper.] BERTHA. [At the door.] Good-bye, Uncle Noel I sha'n't be long. NOEL BRICE. Good-bye, dear. TOM CLARK. [Softly.] Oh, Bertha, don't, don't say you won't be long ! BERTHA. Mr. Clark ! TOM CLARK. If you only knew if you only guessed BERTHA. Guessed what? TOM CLARK. How much I how much I want you to give the other hat-shops a chance ! [ToM and BERTHA go from the room.] NOEL BRICE. [To himself] Now. Half a sermon from two leaves one and a half. One sermon and a half be- tween this and Sunday, my article to finish for THE HOBBY-HORSE 73 The Seraphim, a Mothers' Tea on Friday night, two dockyard carpenters, both very bad characters, to marry to-morrow morning. [Silling at Ike table.] Come, Brice, my good fellow, you must put on the steam. [MBS. JERMYN approaches him, carrying a cup of tea.] MRS. JERMYN. Am I not to write for you this evening, Mr. Brice? NOEL BRICE. Thank you, Miss Moxon,- my wrist is good for an- other hour. [He writes busily, she stands watching him.] MRS. JERMYN. [To herself, watching NOEL.] Poor fellow poor, generous, warm-hearted fellow ! Tired out, domi- neered over by Mrs. Porcher, a hundred and twenty a year eked out by a few articles for The Seraphim, and four orphan children to feed and nurture. Poor fellow ! NOEL BRICE. [Heading from sheet of his sermon.] " It is true philanthropy to treat all mankind alike not to turn your back upon any object because it does not be- long to the particular class you have made it your habit or your boast to serve." [He resumes icriting.] Mas. JERMYN. [To herself.] Surely that applies to me. Ob, if I could only render this man some service ! 74 THE nOBEY-HORSE Wouldn't that be real charity ! I've never clone any- thing half as good as that would be. NOEL BRICE. [Dropping his pen and putting his hand to his wrist.] Hallo, another twinge ! MRS. JERMYN. Now, perhaps you will resign that chair, Mr. Brice. NOEL BRICE. Thank you. I fear I must. [Be puts her in his place, then picks, up the news- paper and glances at the advertisements.'] MRS. JERMYN. [To herself.] What could I do for him what could I do ? I can't think. Shall we begin work, Mr. Brice? NOEL BRICE. [Without looking up from the newspaper.] Please. Good gracious, I've never read anything so mon- strous ! Look here ! " Shodly Heath Home for Decayed Jockeys ! " MRS. JERMYN. Oh! NOEL BRICE. [Reading.] " Opportunity for a Young Church- man in sympathy with our National Sports and Pas- times." Upon my word! MRS. JERMYN. Perhaps it means cricket. THE HOBBY-HORSE 75 NOEL BRICE. Cricket! [Resuming.] "The Founder desires the co-operation, as Warden, of an open-minded, unprejudiced Evangelist who detects an elevating tendency in Horse Racing and who is prepared to maintain that the English Race-meeting is both harmless and exhilarating." "Why the Founder ought to be kicked ! MRS. JERMYN. No, he oughtn't. Why ? NOEL BRICE. Why ! Look here ! " Three hundred pounds a year." Three hundred pounds a year ! "Write to Ralph Pinching, Solicitor, High Street, Newmar- ket." There's a temptation, a gross temptation, to throw before poor men some like myself with hungry babies to feed! Three hundred pounds a year ! The country the crisp, bracing air health strength ! MRS. JERMYN. Delightful ! That's it ! That's it ! NOEL BRICE. Three hundred pounds a year ! No more anxiety ! Bertha with rosy cheeks, and little Teddy and Blanche and the baby MRS. JERMYN. Rolling upon the grass at Shodly, filling the dia- mond casements of the farm-house with their fresh, 76 THE II013BY-HOnr>E ruddy faces, or making its old rooms ring with the rattle of their metal spoons ! Oh, Mr. Brice ! NOEL BRICE. Why, Miss Moxou, you make quite a pretty pict- ure of it. MRS. JERMYN. I oh, yes I can imagine little children at a place like what's its name ? NOEL BRICE. Imagine yes. [Throwing the paper from him.'] Ah, but it is wrong even to imagine it. MRS. JERMYN. Then you won't try to get there ! NOEL BRICE. I ! My dear Miss Moxou, the air here may be thick, murky, unwholesome, but even for fresh air and 300 a year one doesn't sell one's convictions to this in- fatuated worshipper of the race-course. [He begins loading his pipe.~] MRS. JERMYN. [To herself.] Poor fellow ! To see him turning his back upon money and comfort for the sake of his conscience oh, it's pitiful ! NOEL BRICE. [Lighting his pipe."] I suppose that Founder, as he calls himself, is a little mad. THE HOBBY-HORSE 77 MBS. JERMYN. I really don't see any evidence of it, Mr. Brice. [Picking up the paper and smoothing it out.] And I must say that I am surprised, surprised, at your bigoted prejudice against horse-racing. NOEL BRICE. Prejudice, Miss Moxou ! MRS. JERMYN. Surely anything tending to develop the wonderful capacities of a noble and intelligent animal like the horse NOEL BRICE. Oh, yes, I admit that's very interesting. MRS. JERMYN. Certainly, and useful ; and therefore racing is and ought to be the characteristic sport of all English- men, including the clergy. NOEL BRICE. What is called Sport, Miss Moxon, is too often mere brutality. MRS. JERMYN. Brutality ! Was Adam brutal ? NOEL BRICE. Adam! What Adam? MRS. JERMYN. Tlie Adam. Were there not horses in Eden ? 78 THE NOEL BKICE. We're taught to believe so. MRS. JERMYN. Then, 'there, Mr. Brice, you have the origin of Ascot. The presence of Eve no, no, she -wasn't there. NOEL BKICE. Ha, ha ! You positively overwhelm me with the weight of your theology. MRS. JERMYN. Ah, then, won't you write to the solicitor at New- market ? For the sake of the babies the ba- bies NOEL BRICE. My clear Miss Moxou, the babies would grow up bandy and crooked if I professed opinions I do not hold. MRS. JERMYN, . [To herself.] How is it possible to do good to such an obstinate man ! Mr. Brice Mr. Brice. NOEL BRICE* You're not going to crush me with Adam again, are you? MRS. JERMYN. No. But won't you dictate to me some sort of response to send to this solicitor to please me, who am so fond of Bertha ? THE HOBBY-HORSE 79 NOEL BRICE. Of course I will if you'll allow me to write quite candidly. MRS. JERMYN. Ah, thank you ! [Sitliny at the table and address- ing an envelope as she speaks to herself.] If he would write a half-and-half sort of letter, it might do. And then, if he were appointed Warden of Shodly, and came to find out who Miss Moxon really was, he would forgive me all my deception, and perhaps learn to remember me as an angel in disguise. An angel in disguise ! I have begun by disguising my hand. Mr. Pinching would never recognise that. [To NOEL.] I've addressed the envelope very neatly, Mr. Urice. Will you begin now ? NOEL BRICE. H'm. [Dictating, his back turned toward her.'} " Sir ! " MRS. JERMYN. Dear Sir ! Dear Sir ! NOEL BRICE. "Sir!" MRS. JERMYN. [Writing.] Oh! NOEL BRICE. " I have absolutely no sympathy with any sport or pastime which has gambling and other evil pas- sions for its accompaniment." MRS. JERMYN. [To herself, without writing.] Oh, that won't do ! 80 THE UOBBT-IIORSE NOEL BRICE. "Nor do I perceive any feature in horse-racing tending to the elevation or ennoblement of the mind of man." MRS. JERMYN. [To herself.] Oh, dear ! Oh, dear ! What an obstinate man ! NOEL BRICE. " Of the mind of man." Have you got that? MRS. JERMYN. Y-yes, Mr. Brice. NOEL BRICE. " But if you want a guardian for your people who will strive honestly to instruct, to guide, and to comfort them, I will accept your Wardenship. Your obedient servant." Blank. How does that read ? MRS. JERMYN. C-c-capital the very thing. [To herself.] How is it possible to be philanthropic with a man like this ? I can see his babies all getting weak and bony, and Why should I not indite iny own sort of letter a careful half-and-half sort of letter and get Bertha to coax him into signing it in the morn- ing? I'll try it it's a forlorn hope. [Looking toward NOEL, ivho has put his head back andis dozing, she begins writing.] " My Dear Sir : I have read your advertisement in The Seraphim " that's true ; I must be strictly truthful [Writing.] "and I shall be delighted" [Looking cautiously 'toward NOEL, who makes no sign.] " delighted to accept the War- THE HOBBY-HOUSE 81 deuship of your much-needed Home " [Looking up frightened.] That's rather truthful. [ Writiny.] "your much needed Home for for Disabled Horsemen." The poor fellow will like that better than Decayed Jockeys. [Writing.] "It would be my endeavour to reconcile my views to yours " that's just the same thing as reconciling Spencer's views to his, of course "and to discharge.my duties according to the dictates of my conscience." "Why, it's his own letter put a little more pleasantly. [ Writing.] " Believe me, my dear sir, very sincerely yours," space for signature. Oh, I wonder if he'll ever see it in the proper light ! Oh ! NOEL BRICE. [Rousing himself] I beg your pardou I was half asleep. MRS. JERMYN. [Holding the letter behind her] W-were you ? NOEL BRICE. Well, am I to sign the letter ? MRS. JERMYN. The 1-1-letter ! NOEL BRICE. About the Wardenship. MRS. JERMYN. Oh. that letter ! [Producing it awkwardly] If you are alluding to that letter I I have that letter here. 82 THE HOBBY-HORSE NOEL BRICE. [Taking the letter from her, and sitting at the table, he selects a pen.] Thank you. [Half to himself.] I'll just glance through it. MRS. JERMYN. Oh ! Mr. Brice. [Taking the letter from him and laying it before him while she conceals the ivritten part with her hand.] That's Avhere you sign there at the bottom of the page. NOEL BRICE. Yes, but I was- going to read it first. MRS. JERMYN. No, no afterwards. Then you'll see how it looks all together, with the signature. NOEL BRICE. I thought perhaps it was rather too abrupt. MRS. JERMYN. No it doesn't seem so very abrupt. [He tries to sign Ms name, but she nervously moves her hands over the letter to prevent his seeing its contents.] NOEL BRICE. I beg your pardon I can't write if you do that. MRS. JERMYN. I I'm trying to help you. THE HOBBY-HORSE S3 NOEL BRICE. [Signing his name.'} That's it. Now, I'll MRS. JERMYN. Oh, no, let me let me read it. It's written in such aii odd way. Are you ready ? NOEL BRICE. Quite. MRS. JERMYN. Er urn you're not paying attention, Mr. Brice. NOEL BRICE. Indeed I am. MRS. JERMYN. "My dear NOEL BRICE. Eh? MRS. JERMYN. " Sir ! " NOEL BRICE. Oh! MRS. JERMYN. " I I " [ToM and BERTHA suddenly enter.'] BERTHA. Uncle Noel ! TOM CLARK. Look out, old fellow ! NOEL BRICE. What's the matter ? 84 THE HOBBY-SORBS BERTHA. She's coming ! NOEL BRICE. She who ? BERTHA. Mrs. Porcher. NOEL BRICE. Hush ! Dou't be frightened ! Bring her in, Tom. [ToM hurries out.] Good gracious! what mischief is this old lady bent on now ! MRS. JERMYN. [To herself.] Oh ! the letter! [Folding and closing the letter.] Ready for the post ! Oh ! oh ' I wonder if I have done quite right ? [Ton introduces MRS. PORCHER, a grim old woman in black and a formidable bonnet, who enters irilh a, solemn glare.] NOEL BRICE. Come in, Mrs. Porcher. MRS. PORCHER. [Ei/ein-/ MRS. JERMYN severely.] Is this the Miss MdiTcham I hear of the lady now in residence here ? NOEL BRICE. This is Miss Moxon, the lady who is kind enough to be a companion to my niece. [MRS. JERMYN bows slightly, MRS. PORCHER coughs asthmatically.] Sit down, Mrs. Porcher. [MRS. PORCHER silently enthrones herself.] THE HOBBY-HORSE 85 MRS. PORCHEB. A footstool. [BERTHA and TOM fetch footstool^ which NOEL places at MRS. PORCHER'S feet.} This is not the complimentary hour for calling, nor is this, I regret to say, in any sense a complimentary visit. [BERTHA and TOM retire on tiptoe into the further room and close the folding-doors softly.} NOEL BRICE. I hope at least, Mrs. Porcher MRS. PORCHER. Please. But for the performance of an unpleas- ant duty any hour seems to me appropriate. MRS. JERMVN. Pray allow me to leave you. MRS. PORCHER. Er no. I think it would be better if Miss Miss Moxon would pay me the compliment of remaining. I grieve I grieve to say that Miss Moxon is un- pleasantly associated with the object of my visit. NOEL BRICE. In which case I should prefer receiving a written communication from you, Mrs. Porcher. MRS. PORCHER. I think not. The cold formula of a letter is necessarily frigid and repellent ; in dealing a blow the sympathetic cadences of the human voice are much preferable. Mr. Brice, Dr. Porcher has dur- ing the term of your curacy permitted you to dis- 86 THE 110DDY-1IORSE charge many, if not all, his duties in addition to your own. You cannot deny it. NOEL BEIGE. It is certainly the case. MRS. POECHEE. I thank you for the frankness of that admission. And why is this so ? For eighteen years Dr. Porcher has not slept uninterruptedly through one entire night. My cough, commencing regularly at sun- down, has not permitted him to do so. That cough being now chronic I can hope for no amelioration in the condition of Dr. Porcher. In the meantime, Mr. Brice, he is dependent on the faith, the enthusi- asm, the integrity of his curate. NOEL BRICE. And that faith, that enthusiasm, and that integ- rity he has always had from me. Do you call it into question ? MES. POECIIER. Pardon meC? Up to about ten days ago I think that is the time when Miss Moxon was first received into your house? up to that time, I man and wife being one, I speak as Dr. Porcher I had but slight cause for complaint. NOEL BRICE. Whether you speak for Dr. Porcher, or for your- self alone, or for both of you, I beg you to speak carefully. THE HOBBY-HORSE 87 MRS. POECHER. I am not, Mr. Brice, at all in the habit of trusting to inspiration. I have here memoranda. [Referring to her tablets.] When six weeks ago you suggested taking a short holiday, 3-011 advertised for a tempo- rary companion for your niece -for your niece ! Well, then, Mr. Brice, in due course this lady arrives here, and immediately relieves you of some of your duties of visiting a thing which I, her senior if I mistake not, would hardly have presumed to do. NOEL BRICE. Well, madam, what then ? MRS. PORCHER. Then, Mr. Brice, one would conjecture that the time had arrived for you to leave London. NOEL BRICE. My arrangements became altered. I had rea- sons. MRS. PORCHER. Quite so. I feared this I have feared this trem- blingly. MRS. JERMYN. You have feared what, madam ? MRS. PORCHER. I beg your pardon ? Mi:*. JKKMYN. You have associated my name with the object of your visit here. I want to know what your fear is 88 THE in connection with the abandonment of Mr. Brice's holiday. MBS. PORCHES. H'm! Certainly. I fear that Dr. Porcher will never be able to quite satisfy those ladies of our parish who are so concerned about this business, that Mr. Brice did not relinquish his holiday because MRS. JERMYN. Because ? NOEL BRICE. [To MRS. JERMYN.] Hush ! [To MRS. PORCHER.] Please ! MRS. JERMYN. Because ? MRS. PORCHER. Because Mr. Brice had found not only a compan- ion for his niece, but a companion for NOEL BRICE. [To MRS. PORCHER, pointing to the door.'] Leave this room ! MRS. PORCHER. What ! NOEL BRICE. Leave this room my house leave it ! When can I see Dr. Porcher ? It must be soon immediately. MRS. PORCHER. I speak with the voice of Dr. Porcher NOEL BRICE. Ah, don't you understand what I mean ? That I desire to wash my hands of you all without a mo- THE HOBBY-HORSE 89 meut's delay ! Let me be rid of you ! Your money has mildewed the bread with which I feed the dear ones who are dependent upon me, long enough ! Let me be rid of you ! MRS. PORCHER. [Producing a letter.] Anticipating some unseemly outburst of this nature, Mr. Brice, I am armed with a letter from Dr. Porcher written reluctantly at my dictation informing you that Mr. Charlesworth, your dear amiable predecessor, is ready to take your place at once. NOEL BRICE. [Taking the letter.] To-morrow. Go, please. Go ! [He opens the folding-doors and calls TOM.] MRS. PORCHER. [To MRS. JERMYN, ivho is standing as if stricken, with her head drooping.] Pardon me. The Christian name, Constance, I think ? [MRS. JERMYN looks at MRS. POROHER without replying.] Constance I re- member. I shall feel it my duty to report the name of Constance Moxon, unfavourably, to the Governesses Institute. [Ton opens the door, MRS. PORCHER sails out, and he follows her.] NOEL BRICE. Oh, Miss Moxon ! MRS. JERMYN. Hush! Don't speak to me, please, Mr. Brice! Don't, don't speak to me ! [She puts her handkerchief to her eyes ; BERTHA runs to her side.] 00 THE HOBBY-HORSE BERTHA. "What is the matter, dear? Uncle Noel, has Mrs. Porcher made Miss Moxon cry ? NOEL BEICE. [To MRS. JERMYN.] Only say that you can pardon me for never suspecting that this woman's that any woman's malice could go to such a monstrous length ! MRS. JERMYN. [Softly to NOEL.] Hush ! Bertha. Mrs. Porcher is very angry, Bertha, because your uncle has not taken his holiday so terribly angry. Mr. Brice, pray don't give another thought to my share in the matter never let it cross your mind again. Oh, how dare she ! how dare she ! BERTHA. But why are you crying so, dear ? MRS. JERMYN. I oh, I am crying a little, Bertha because I have to run away from you very suddenly. I leave this house to-night at once. [NOEL starts.] BERTHA. To-night ! Not for good ! MRS. JERMYN. Yes for good. I am of no use, you know be- cause because your uncle has not gone for his holi- day. THE HOBBY-HORSE 91 BERTHA. Oh, why don't you persuade her to stay, Uncle Noel? MRS. JERMYN. Hush, dear ! Come with me. NOEL BRICE. Miss Moxon ! MRS. JERMYN. [Turning to NOEL.] Don't please please ! Oh, Mr. Brice, why, why couldn't you have gone for your holiday ! [She goes out with BERTHA.] NOEL BRICE. Oh, the insult to her and under my roof ! The insult to her ! The insult to her whose smile does more to brighten this parish than all the sun that ever finds its way here ! [(/rushing PORCHEU'S letter in his hand.] My foianal dismissal from Dr. Porcher. He shall see me to-morrow. I need not curb my tongue to him in defence of the woman I love oh, at least I can speak the words to myself the woman I love ! [ToM enters.] TOM CLARK. What has the old lady done now, Noel ? NOEL BRICE. I'm out of St. Jacob's, Tom. TOM CLARK. Are you, Noel? Then so am I. Mind, you don't 92 THE IIOBBY-HOnSE shake me off I'm after you and Bertha, wherever you go. NOEL BBICE. But I haven't told you the worst of it, my boy. TOM CLARK. Why, what's wrong ? NOEL BEICE. She has robbed me of of a friend a friend I can't spare. Her bitter tongue is driving Miss Moxon away from us to-night, and and ah, Tom, you're little more than a boy, and don't understand, and I can't tell you ! TOM CLARK. Little more than a boy, am I ! Can't understand, can't I ! Why, Noel, I'm in love too ! NOEL BRICE. What do you mean by you're in love too ? TOM CLARK. I mean I love Bertha ! NOEL BRICE. Tom Clark ! TOM CLARK. Why, what a fool I should be if I didn't ! Ah, Noel, love gives a fellow a pair of spectacles, which enables him to see right through another fellow's waistcoat and straight into his heart. Ha, ha ! Why, old chap, I guessed it a week ago ! THE HOBBY-HORSE 93 NOEL BRICE. I clou't know what you mean ! A week ago ! Why, Tom, /didn't know it then ! TOM CLARK. No, but the man himself is always the last to find it out. Oh, I'm so glad, old chap ! NOEL BRICE. Glad! TOM CLARK. You know I shouldn't have liked you to marry anybody I didn't quite approve of. But I do admire her so does Bertha. I think we're both to be con- gratulated, eh ? NOEL BRICE. Be quiet ! Don't go on in that way, Tom I can't bear it ! She's leaving me I may never see her again. And even if these few past happy days could go on unbrokenly for years to corne, I could never open my lips about love. Why, man, how could I ? TOM CLARK. How could you ! Oh, I'll tell you how. NOEL BRICE. Will you be quiet, Tom ! You know I haven't a penny in the world. TOM CLARK. Well, no more have I and I proposed half an hour ago. [BEBTHA enters.] 04 THE HOBBY-HORSE BEKTHA. [Crying.'] Tom, will you g-g-go and find a c-c-cab to take Miss Moxon away ? TOM CLAEK. [Whispering.] Bertha, dear, let us look for it to- gether. I think Noel has something awfully impor- tant to tell Miss Moxon. Hush ! [Looking at NOEL.] Dear old Noel ! I think he's a lucky chap after all. [ToM and BEIITHA go quietly out. The room is grow- ing gradually darker. MRS. JERMYN enters.] MRS. JERMYN. [Looking about her.] Bertha ! Bertha ! [She sees NOEL. To herself.] Where is Bertha? Poor fellow I didn't want to say good-bye to him alone. NOEL BRICE. [Facing her suddenly.] You are going away, then really going away ? MRS. JERMYN. Yes. I I am waiting for a cab, Mr. Brice. NOEL BRICE. The thought that you are driven away from us in such an infamous manner is maddening to me. MRS. JERMYN. Oh, you mustn't let other people's ill-nature hurt you so much. As for myself, I was going to-morrow a few hours earlier, what can it matter ? THE HOBBY-HORSE 95 NOEL BRICE. No, no, that's true ! What can it matter ? But I Bertha and I were rather dull and lonely here when you found us, and somehow you as a new- comer often will MRS. JERMYN. Oh, yes a strange face does break the monotony of life, doesn't it ? NOEL BRICE. Yes. And when one loses that face, when it has ceased to be a strange one ; when one enters a room thinking to see a familiar form in that corner or in that, and is almost startled to find nothing then MRS. JERMYN. Then one is pained, naturally for a day or two. NOEL BRICE. Yes, I mean for a day or two. [He turns away from her and goes to the win- dow.] MRS. JERMYN. Is that a cab at our door ? NOEL BRICE. Yes. [He goes to the door and opens it.] MRS. JERMYX. [To herself.] I am glad the time has come. 96 THE JIOnSY-IIORSE NOEL BBICE. [To himself.] Some people asking for Tom. They have gone upstairs to Iris room. [He closes the door.] MRS. JERMYN. Good-bye, then, Mr. Brice. NOEL BRICE. [Taking her hand.] Good-bye. Miss Moxon, will you, as the parting act of a friend, solve a problem which arises in the life of every poor man and which to-night crosses me in mine ? You know how poor I am how prospectless, saddled with cares, almost without worldly hope. But I have never despaired till to-night and yet till to-night I have not been so near setting foot upon a path full of encourage- ment and light. I am at the cross-roads of life read for me the index which points this way or that ! MRS. JERMYN. Of course I will help you if I can, Mr. Brice. What is your trouble ? [The room is now almost in darkness.] NOEL BRICE. There is a woman I love whom I love as I love no other earthly being. Tell me could I approach her with such a tale of poverty and struggle upon my lips as I have told you, 1113' friend '? What would she say to me if I presumed to ask her to be my wife? THE HOBBY-HOUSE 97 MRS. JERMYN. Surely, if she loved you, she would trudge the hard road with you. NOEL BRICE. But is it not woman-like to fear poverty ? MRS. JERMYN. Yes, to fear and to face it. NOEL BRICE. You bid me speak to her then ? MRS. JERMYN. If you trust her, yes. NOEL BRICE. Then give me your hand again. MRS. JERMYN. Mr. Brice ! NOEL BRICE. [Taking her hand.] And let me speak to you! MRS. JERMYN. Tome? NOEL BRICE. To 3*ou the woman I love with all my heart. MRS. JERMYN. [Retreating from him slowly, as if in a dream.] The woman you love! [Under her breath,'] Oh, what have I done ? [JEIIMYN appear* of (he door, but neither NOEL nor MRS. JERMYN hears or j hiut.~\ 08 THE HOBBY-HORSE NOEL BBICE. Speak to me, friend ! Still friend the dearest name a man can give even the woman he would make his wife ! [NOEL seizes her hand. JERMYN retreats and closes the door sharply.] MRS. Hush! Oh, hush! NOEL BRICE. Who's there ? Who's there ? [JERMYN knocks, then reopens the door and enters. MRS. JERMYN crouches behind the arm-chair.] SPENCER JERMYN. I really must apologize. I'm afraid you didn't hear me knock. NOEL BRICE. Have you any business with me? My name is Brice. SPENCER JERMYN. My dear sir, I'm pleased to meet you. I'm told you're a great friend of my son. NOEL BRICE. Your son ? SPENCER JERMYN. My son, Allan Jermyn the boy who calls himself Tom Clark. THE HOBBY-HORSE 99 NOEL BKICE. Allan Jermyu Tom Clark ! [With a stifled cry MRS. JERMYN, hiding her face, stag- gers into the further room and shuts the folding- doors, at the same moment PINCHING appears in the doorway. ~\ PINCHING. Jermyn ! Here's the boy \ Allan ! [ALLAN enters u-it/i BEUTHA.] Allan ! ALLAN. [Grasping PINCIIING'S hand boisterously.] Ralph ! Good gracious me ! Well, I never ! How did you find me out ? Never mind. How's my father ? Does he ever ask about me ? Well, I am glad to see you ! Here, Noel ! Noel 1 [BERTHA lights the gas.] PINCHING. [Pointing to JERMYN.] Look there. ALLAN. Father ! SPENCER JERMYN. Allan, my boy ! [They are about to embrace effusively, when they simultaneously draw back and look at each other.] ALLAN. Hallo, father ! How are you ? SPENCER JERMYN. H'm ! Do you know you were very disrespectful to mo when I last had the pleasure of seeing you, sir? 100 TUE UOlJUY-UORSti ALLAN. I'm sorry you think so, father. SPENCER JERMYN. I do more than think so, sir I'm sure of it. PINCHING. Jermyn, Jermyn Allan, my boy ! SPENCER JERMYN. Well, I don't know however [taking ALLAN'S hand\ I'm pretty well, thank ye. ALLAN. Glad to see you, dad. Backed any of the wrong 'uns lately ? SPENCER JERMYN. What do you mean by that ? Don't you dare to mention King Caraway PINCHING. Allan Jermyn no, no ! ALLAN. Beg pardon, father. Noel ! [To JERMYN.] This is Mr. Brice the Eev. Noel Brice the dearest fel- . low in the world my true friend. [JERMYN shakes hands with NOEL.] NOEL BRICE. Ah, Tom, Tom, I was Tom Clark's friend ; but I'm quite a stranger to Allan Jermyn. THE HOBBY-HORSE 101 ALLAN. I was going to spin you the whole yarn to-night ; wasn't I, Bertha? SPENCER JEKMYN. Eh? ALLAN. Oh Bertha. Mr. Brice's niece, Bertha the clearest fellow in the world I mean, another friend of mine. [JERMYN bows.] BERTHA. [Quietly to ALLAN.] Oh, Allan, I'm so afraid. ALLAN. Afraid, my darling ? In the hat shop you were all mine. Now I feel towards you as I do towards the books from the lend- ing library. The chapters of your life are not for me alone, and when you leave me other people may take you in and turn you up at the corners. ALLAN. No, never this book, Bertha. BERTHA. Oh, Allan, Allan, you'll always be Tom to me, won't you, dear? [The foldiny-doui'a idiyklly open and MRS. JERMYN look* eayerly at the outer door for means of es- , but drawn back quickly.'] 102 THE HOliRY-UORSti SPENCER JERMYN. [7'u NOEL.] A brave young fellow, you think him, do you? You're right, sir. Mr. Brice, let me call you a friend of mine. Allan ! ALLAN. [Taming from BERTHA.] Yes, father. SPENCER JERMYN. You'll return with me to the hotel to-night. BERTHA. Oh! SPENCER JERMYN. To-morrow we'll pop down to Ascot to see the running for the Gold Cup next day I shall take you home. Do you know that your mother is dying with curiosity to see what her sou is like ? ALLAN. I shall be happy to make her acquaintance, father. SPENCER JERMYN. Good-night, Mr. Brice. [MRS. JERMYN again attempts to make her escape.] PINCHING. [Holding a note he has just scribbled.] May I ask you, Mr. Brice, to give this note to Inspector Mason when he calls to-night ? It is to let him know the result of our search for Allan. I'll place it here. [Laying it carelessly on the writing-table and seeing the letter addressed to himself.] Dear me! Pardon me. THE HOBBY-HOUSE! 103 I think this is addressed to me Pinching, of New- market. [MRS. JERMYN staggers back into the further room.] NOEL BRICE. I certainly have written a letter to a Mr. Pinching, Solicitor, of Newmarket. PINCHING. [Pointing to the newspaper,] In reference to an ad- vertisement in The Seraphim, may I ask ? NOEL BRICE. Yes. SPENCER JERMYN. Not applying for the Wardenship of the Home at Shortly Heath ? NOEL BRICE. Well yes. PINCHING. [Opening the letter.] Will you allow me? lam the Mr. Pinching. NOEL BRICE. Certainly. SPENCER JERMYN. Good gracious me, Mr. Brice ! And I, sir, 1 am the Founder 1 ALLAN. Why, Noel, what's all this about ? PINCHING. Jermyn! [JERMYN reads the letter with PINCHING, excitedly.] T11K UOliBY-lWliSK SPENCER JERMYN. Dear me, this is quite extraordinary ! Excuse me. [Taking the letter.] My dear Pinching ! We have found the young liberal-minded sporting par- son ! Diana said there wasn't one in existence ! ALLAN. Oh, Noel, here's a stroke of luck ! BERTHA. Oh, Uncle Noel ! SPENCER JERMYN. Pinching! the first, the only answer to our ad- vertisement the very man ! [To NOEL, enthusiasti- cally.'] Mr. Brice, there is no time to lose in a scheme like this. When can you come down to Shodly ? ALLAN. Directly, dad. Old Noel at Shodly ! Bertha ! Five miles from Odium House ! Dad, you've got hold of the finest chap in the world ! NOEL BRICE. But, Mr. Jermyn, do you really mean that you can accept the propositions contained in that letter? SPENCER JERMYN. Never read a letter that pleased me better in my life ! Pinching, will you take Mr. Brice down to the Home by the eleven-fifty-five to-morrow morn- ing? THE 11013BY UOLteti 105 PINCHING. By all means, if he agrees. [MRS. JERMYN, with a horror-stricken face, comes from the folding-doors and creeps gradually towards the door.] SPENCER JERMYN. Mr. Brice, my son's friends are mine things hap- pen strangely. [Taking NOEL'S hand.] Let me ex- press a hope that you may long remain Warden of Shodly. Come along, Allan ! ALLAN. [Waving his hat,] The Warden of Shodly! Hurrah ! [MRS. JERMYN, unperceived, staggers out at Ihc door.] END OF THE SECOND ACT. THE THIRD ACT. A CHAPTER OF EXPIATION. The scene is an elegant morning-room at MR. JER- MYN'S, ivith French windows, a veranda, and a conservatory, and a view of the garden beyond. It is morning, and the breakfast things are on a table placed at the entrance to the conservatory. MISS MOXON is sitting alone at the breakfast- table. Miss MOXON. Here's Ralph ! [Going to the window and waving her J land kerchief.] Oh, what a depressed object he looks ! [PINCHING enters, looking very miserable, with a tele- gram in his hand.] PINCHING. Oh, good-morning, Constance. Miss MOXON. Good-morning ! PINCHING. How are you this morning ? TIIH UOBBY-UORSti U7 Miss MOXON. Beyond wishing I were dead I'm extremely well, thank you. \_He kisses her vpon the forehead ab- stractedly.] On the brow. PINCHING. Where's Mrs. Jermyn ? Miss MOXON. Pacing up and down the hall distractedly. There's her breakfast untouched. I've had mine. PINCHING. We're stuck knee-deep in a nice substantial quag- mire, I must say. [Showing the telegram.] Mr. Jermyn and Allan have left London this morning by the early train, and will be home in about twenty minutes. The Prodigal's Return. [Miss MOXON gently falls against PINCHING, hold- ing on to his arm.] Miss MOXON. Oh, Ralph Ralph ! PINCHING. [Studying the telegram intently.] Not just now, Constance, dear not just now, my love. Miss MOXON. I must for I am so sorry for you. PINCHING. Sorry for me ? Why on my account particularly ? 108 THE HOBBY HORSE Miss MOXON. Of course I am sorry too for poor Diaua and for Mr. Jermyn, and for that innocent clergyman at Shodly their troubles are to come PINCHING. You are sorry for yourself also, Constance, I Lope you originated the whole mischief, if you remem- ber. Miss MOXON. I know I did ; but then, being engaged, the gentle- man takes the entire responsibility. [Leaning her head on his shoulder.] And that must be so awful where the gentleman's a solicitor. PINCHING. You are right, Constance it is awful, shockingly awful. Oh, Constance, my dear girl, if less than a fortnight ago you had but confided to me the where- abouts of Mrs. Jermyn I could have flown up to London, dragged her back by a few sensible words of advice, and saved everybody the catastrophe which is to break over our heads this morning like the culminating outburst of a grand pyrotechnic display. Oh ! oh ! oh ! Miss MOXON. It was Diana's secret do you blame me for keep- ing it ? PINCHING. Look at the result ! Miss MOXON. I am the first woman who has ever kept a secret THE IIOBBY-UORXK 109 for a whole fortnight. You ought to worship me for it ! PINCHING. I do I do. But never do such a thing again, Constance ! Miss MOXON. Besides, why bliirne me f Who was it who led Mi*. Jermyn, the night before last, into the very house in which his wife was ? You're a lawyer whei'e was your instinct ? PINCHING. A lawyer doesn't run along with his nose on the ground like a pointer ! Miss MOXON. I don't know what a lawyer does, I'm sure. All my theories about lawyers are crumbling my illu- sions used to be beautiful. I begin to be sorry I ever met a solicitor. PINCHING. Constance, my dear, solicitors are but men ! Miss MOXON. Under the peculiar circumstances it isn't for me to object to that ; but your bringing this Mr. Brice down to Shodly yesterday and installing him within five miles of the very rug we're standing on ! How could you ? How could you ? How could you ? PINCHING. How was I to know that the poor man was madly in love with Diana Jermyn, alia* Constance Moxon ? 110 THE HOBBY-HORSE Miss MOXON. Don't argue intemperately, please. There is about a quarter of an hour to decide what is to be done? PINCHING. Oh, the case is clear enough h'm ! Miss MOXON. H'm ! Now then. PINCHING. First gently acquaint Mr. Brice that he has formed an attachment to Tom Clark's that is, Allan Jermyn's father's wife, who is Miss Moxon. Miss MOXON. No, no first let Allan Jermyn know that his father's wife is his mother. PINCHING. Whose mother, my dear? Miss MOXON. Don't interrupt me. Tell Allan Jermyn that he is Constance Moxon's sou. PINCHING. No, no, I don't like the idea of that it doesn't put me in a nice position. The case is quite simple. First tell Jermyn that Mr. Brice is in love with Mrs. Jermyn. That's easy enough. Miss MOXON. Oh, yes, that's all right. And who's going to transact that nice little easy bit of business ? THE HOBBY-HORSE 111 PINCHING. Who ! Miss MOXON. It sounds like the solicitor's department. PINCHING. No, no it is purely a woman's task. Miss MOXON. Diana's ? PINCHING. My dear girl, can we expect a wife to tell her husband that another man has proposed to her? Put yourself in that position no, don't do that I mean The whole thing's in a nutshell. You've known Mrs. Jermyu since childhood. Miss MOXON. I do it ! Oh, Ralph, what an unmanly proposal ! PINCHING. Who is to do it then ? Miss MOXON. Would Mr. Brice like to help ? He's the nearest clergyman ! PINCHING. Help to let Jermyn know that he loves Oh, Constance ! Miss MOXON. Very well, then, wo are forced to return to the only disinterested person the young family solic- itor. 112 THE UOBBY-1IOUSM PINCHING. Disinterested ! When the original mischief arose from a suggestion of the lady I'm engaged to marry ! Miss MOXON. Ralph Pinching! PINCHING. My dear ! Miss MOXON. Ralph Pinching of Newmarket ! That is about the fiftieth time you have upbraided me with my innocent complicity in this unfortunate business. I ask you one question do you wish to break it off? PINCHING. Of course I don't, my dear girl. Miss MOXON. Very well, then, I do. I literally sicken of this never-ending cruelty. PINCHING. Cruelty Constance, darling ! Miss MOXON. You can be gentle at times, but your gentleness is that of the summer sky, which anon sends forth its fiery shaft to ignite and to destroy, Mr. Pinching. PINCHING. My dear girl, you know you don't mean Miss MOXON. I mean that I must be quite perfect in the eyes THE UOBBY-UORSE 113 of the man I marry. The chains of our engage- ment have clanked for a fortnight, Ralph Pinching ; let mine be the hand to strike them from your chafing limbs. Good-morning ! [She goes out through the window.] PINCHING. We have the same scene regularly every day, and in very nearly the same language. [Studying the tele- gram again.] But I can't think of my own bothers with so many of other people's to distract me. Now, what [Miss MOXON re-enters and comes to PINCHING.] Miss MOXON. Ralph, dear. PINCHING. Ah, my darling ! Miss MOXON. I have carefully thought over our recent interview. PINCHING. Which one, Constance ? Miss MOXON. The one we had just now and I have come to the conclusion that we ought to be much more mutually tolerant. All these sad misunderstandings are the common incidents of long engagements. PINCHING. [Intent on the telegram.] Yes, dear, yes they are thev are I 114 THE HOBBY-HORSE Miss MOXON. You will forget what I said to you, won't you ? PINCHING. I do forget it, nay darling entirely. Miss MOXON. Forget and forgive ? PINCHING. Certainly. [He kisses her forehead in an absent iccnj.] Miss MOXON, [To herself. ~\ On the brow. PINCHING. [Looking toward the conservatory.] Mrs. Jermyn ! [MRS. JERMYN enters through the conservatory. She is pale, her eyes are fixed upon the ground, her arms hang listlessly down, she holds a telegram.'] Miss MOXON. Di, dear. MRS. JKKMVN. Constance. [She puts her lips to Miss MOXON'S forehead, then sinks upon the settee.] Miss MOXON. [To herself.] On the brow. You look very white, Diana. MRS, JERMYN, I feel white. Miss MOXON. You didn't sleep again last night ? THE iioBBY-iionsE Ho MRS. JERMYN. Do I look as if I had slept ? Miss MOXON. Two nights without rest hot hands ft galloping pulse. Oh, Diana, can't you can't you eat an egg ? MRS. JERMYN. Oh, please. Miss Moxox. I've had an egg, and do I look as if I'd slept ? MRS. JERMYN. Yes, Connie, dear, you do. Miss MOXON. Well, that's not my fault ! Why don't you all say you blame me for what has happened ! Oh, why was I born ! MRS. JERMYN. [/Ar <'//<> //./v.v? upon the telegram.'] Oh, don't go back to years ago, Connie ! MOXON. Dinna ! MKS. JERMYN. I mean the present is so terribly exigent. Miss MOXON, Before Mr. Pinching, too ! MRS. Mr. Pinching ! 116 THE Miss MOXON. He's here. [To PINCHING, whom she brings for- ward.] Poor Di wanders a little she imagines that some things happened long ago. MRS. JERMYN. [Shaking hands feebly with PINCHING.] Good-morn- ing. PINCHING. I see you have received a telegram. MRS. JERMYN. Yes from my husband. [Reading."] " Burlington Cork Street. The boy most anxious to be pre- sented to his mother thinks you're a dowager haven't undeceived him. Peppercorn picked up the Gold Cup. Expect us, without fail, by evening train." PINCHING. [Looking at MBS. JERMYN'S telegram.] Excuse me thank you. [To Miss MOXON.] There's a discrep- ancy between our telegrams they've written " even- ing" train in Mrs. Jermyn's, and " early " train in mine. Miss MOXON. Then she doesn't know they may be here in ten minutes. PINCHING. No you'd better tell her. 777 K HOltin'-HORXK 117 Miss Moxox. No you'd better tell her. PINCHING. Yes but I thought as you're a woman --- Mis-s MOXON. I know but you being a solicitor - * PINCHING. Yes, I know, but - [They argue.} Mits. JKRMYV. Mr. Pinching. PINCHING. Mrs. Jermyn. MKK. JERMYN. I beh'eve you have been made acquainted with all the details of this dreadful business. PINCHING. Constance has told me everything. Mus. JKIIMVN. At my request. You you are a solicitor. That's what / say ! MRS. JEIIMYN. At an hour like this one naturally gets a crumb of comfort from the clear brain and calm judgment of a man like yourself. 118 THE HOBBY-HORSE PINCHING. You're very good I anything I can do MBS. JEBMYN. Thank you. I think you had better tell me about this clergyman Mr. Brice. I understand you brought him from London to Shodly yesterday morning ? PINCHING. With his niece yes. MBS. JEBMYN. Did he make any reference to to you know whom I mean to me ? PINCHING. He did. When I called for him in the morning I found him in great distress of mind. At first he declined to accompany me. I asked him why. He replied that he had sustained a great loss a most precious friend had gone from him. I asked in what way. He said as if the earth had swallowed her. "A lady, then?" I said. "Yes," he re- plied, " the brightest, the sweetest, the dearest lady in the world." MBS. JEBMYN. Thank you, Mr. Pinching. I would rather hear no more. Miss MOXON. [To PINCHING, shaking her Jiead.] Be quiet, be quiet ! TUB HOBBY-HORSE 119 MRS. JERMYN. [To PINCHING, commanding herself.] But he did travel with you to Shodly after all ? PINCHING. At my persuasion. MES. JERMYN. Oh, yes. Arid you left Mr. Brice and his niece at the Farm ? PINCHING. I did! MRS. JERMYN. Thank you, Mr. Pinching. I have thought every- thing over carefully and, I hope, conscientiously. The first thing to be done before my husband and his son return to-night [PINCHING and Miss MOXON exchange looks.] PINCHING. To-night MRS. JERMYN. Is to let Mr. Brice hear the whole truth. Will you start for Shoclly Heath at once, Mr. Pinching? [PINCHING bows.] Tell Mr. Brice the history of the foolish mistake tell him that I entreat his pardon for causing him so much so much inconvenience, and beg him to understand that I cannot do this in person. At once, please. PINCHING. At once. 120 THE UOBBY-HORSS [HEWETT enters.] HEWETT. [breathlessly.] I beg your pardon, ma'am ! MRS. JEIIMYN. What is it ? HEWETT. You forgot to order the carriage, ma'ani, to meet the master and Mr. Allan ! MRS. JERMYN. Why, Hewett, they don't leave London till the evening train. HEWETT. Lor' bless me, I've just seen 'em drive up to the lodge in an 'ired fly ! MRS. JERMYN. [Clinging to Miss MOXON.] Oh ! [HEWETT runs out at the window.] PINCHING. I was afraid of this my telegram said the early train. MRS. JERMYN. And you never told me ! Miss MOXON. Oh, what a solicitor ! PINCHING. I thought of mentioning it 1 THE HOBBY- HO R^K 121 MRS. JERMYN. Thought ! PINCHING This business quite upsets me it's all through being engaged to one of the ladies concerned ! Hits. JERMYN. Oh! Miss MOXON. Perhaps you wish to break it off, Mr. Pinching ! SPENCER JERMYN. [ftpeaking ewteKfo] Come through here, Allan ! Hewett ! MRS. JERMYN. Ah! | Mi::>. JERMYN drags Miss MOXON out at the window a* JERMYN enters until ALLAN.] SPENCER JERMYN. Ah, Pinching, here you are. Both friendly and business-like of you to be here to receive me. [Looking at PINCHINO.] What's wrong ? Aren't you well? You do look seedy, Ralph. SPENCER JERMYN. Tell me you got Mr. Brice down to Shodly yes- terday ? PINCHING. Oh, yes he's there ! 1'2'2 THE HOBBY-HORSE SPENCER JERMYN. That's capital capital ! So the Home's fairly started, eh ? I'm proud of what we've done, Pinch- ing proud, sir. It's the culminating point in my Turf career ! [HEWETT is passing toward the conservatory carrying bays and umbrellas.] SPENCER JERMYN. Where's your mistress, Hewett ? HEWETT. I don't know, sir ; the ladies were here a minute ago. SPENCER JERMYN. The ladies ! What ladies ? HEWETT. The mistress and Miss Moxon, sir. [Goes through the conservatory.] ALLAN. Miss Moxon ? SPENCER JERMYN. [To PINCHING.] Miss Moxon is staying with us again then ? PINCHING. Y-yes she's here ! SPENCEK JERMYN. She must have just returned from town ? PINCHING. Yes ah just returned. THE HOLBY-IIORSE 123 SPENCER JERMYN. I was quite astonished when Allan casually men- tioned yesterday that a Miss Moxon had been acting as companion to Mr. Brice's niece. You couldn't have known it either ? PINCHING. No, I didn't know it ! SPENCER JERMYN. We little thought the night before last that wo were in the very house with the lady you have the happiness to Excuse me, Pinching don't think me rude one moment. [PINCHING sits at the table.] [To ALLAN.] Allan, my boy it just strikes me. It's a very awkward thing, this attachment you've told me about, of your friend, Mr. Brice, to Miss Moxon. You know she's engaged to be married to Pinching. ALLAN. It is jolly awkward, father. SPENCER JERMYN. I don't like it. She's an old friend of your mother's, but I can't have a woman down here play- ing fust and loose with two good fellows. ALLAN. - Miss Moxon is a very nice woman ! SPENCER JERMYN. Ah, they're all nice till they're found out, my boy. 124 777 /-; UOJiltY-H01tK I shall talk to Drum about it. Poor Pinching I knew his father. ALLAN. Poor devil ! SPENCER JERMYN. Be careful not to alarm him yet awhile. [PINCH- ING is about to go out at the window.] Wait for me here, Pinching, please. PINCHING. Certainly. ALLAN. [Seeing the. breakfast-table.] By Jove, here's some food ! I'm starving ! SPENCER JERMYN. All right I'll go upstairs and find your mother. Allan, my boy, I've kept it from you as long as I can, but but your mother isn't an old lady at all, sir! ALLAN. She isn't, father ? SPENCER JERMYN. No, sir, nor a middle-aged lady she is a young lady, much too young to own a great hulking boy like you, you young scamp, you ! ALLAN. Ha, ha, ha ! SPENCER JERMYN. You think I can't play a good joke, eh ? Ha, ha ! THE HOBBY-HORSE 125 [Looking at PINCHING.] Poor Piucbiug I knew bis father, too ! [He goes through the conservatory. ALLAN seals himself at the breakfast-table.] ALLAN. [Cutting a loaf.] This comes of dad dragging me away from the breakfast-table this morning. (MRS. JERMYN and Miss MOXON appear outside the window, and Miss MOXON enters on tiptoe, while MRS. JERMYN shrinks bark out of sight.] Miss MOXON. | Clinging to PINCHING.] Ralph Ralph something must be done ! PINCHING. [fn a flttsler.] I know I know I was just think- in of doin somethin. MOXON. Look at him eating happily. [She coughs : ALLAN rises with his mouth full.] Mr. Jenny n's son V ALLAN. I beg your pardon. [To himself.] By Jove, she is a pretty woman ! [To her.] I think I can guess who it is. PINCHING. Oh! Miss MOXON. No you can't ! ALLAN. Father has gone and spoilt his own joke. I hope 12C THE IIQDDY-IIORSE you dcm't think me too big to let me call you, for once at least, my mother. [He draws Miss MOXON to him and kisses her.'] PINCHING. No, no ! Miss Moxox. [Drawing back.] Oh, dear ! [To herself.] Oil the lips. PINCHING. You know that's a grown-up man, Constance I don't care about it. Miss Moxox. That's right blame me ! Mr. Jermyn, we are all liable to error. ALLAN. Error ! What error ? Miss MOXON. [Pointing to PINCHING.] This gentleman should have spoken earlier. My name is Constance Moxoii I ALLAN. Your name Constance Moxon ! Miss MOXON. Indeed, yes. Diana ! Diana, dear ! [Running to the window and bringing MRS. JERMYN.] This is Mrs. Jermyn this is your new mother. [Mas. JERMYN stands before ALLAN with her head bowed.] THE HOBBY-HORSE 127 ALLAN. [To MRS. JERMYN.] Mother ! Oh, Miss Moxon ! [Looking from one to the other.] Why MRS. JERMYN. No, that lady is right, Allan. She is Miss Moxon, not I I am Mrs. Jermyn. Miss MOXON. [To PINCHING.] No solicitor could have managed that better. ALLAN. You Mrs. Jermyn ! MRS. JEBMYX. Yes yes. ALLAN. I am afraid there is some mistake. Noel Noel knows you are Miss Moxon. MRS. JERMYN. No he only thinks he knows I'm Miss Moxon. ALLAN. But father knows you were at Mr. Brice's I told him so. MRS, JERMYN. You couldn't have done so you didn't know I waa at Mr, Brice's. ALLAN. Oh, don't say that we were there together. MRS. JERMYN. But you never guessed I was your mother? 128 TUE IIOBBY-nORSM ALLAN. No. MBS. JERMYN. Then Low could you have told jour father? ALLAN. I mean I told him Miss Moxon was there. MRS. JERMYN. Well, there is Miss Moxon. ALLAN. Then it seems I've told a lie to father. Miss MOXON. Yes, you appear to have made a very bad begin- ning. ALLAN. [To MRS. JERMYN.] Good gracious ! Well, but father knows that Noel's in love with you [fo Miss MOXON] no, it's with you ! PINCHING. No, it isn't ! MRS. JERMYN. Who told him that? ALLAN. I mentioned it. MRS. JERMYN. How dare you ? Miss MOXON. Haven't you any business to mind of your own ? THE HOBBY-HORSE 129 ALLAN. Tin very sorry. MRS. JERMYN. Sorry ! ALLAN. Father asked me to tell him all about it. MBS. JERMYN. That's impossible. ALLAN. He did because he accidentally strayed into the room while Noel was proposing to you [to Miss MOXON] no, I mean to you ! PINCHING. No, you don't ! MRS. JERMYN. Great Heaven ! What will he think of me ? Miss MOXON. What does he think of me f ALLAN. But it was in the dark. MRS. JERMYN. Oh I Miss MOXON. In the dark ! That makes it worse ! Oh, Diana ! you never told me you didn't have the lamp lighted ! i 130 THE ALLAN. I see bow awkward it is because one of you is engaged to Mr. Pinching. Miss MOXON. / am engaged to Mr. Pinching. PINCHING. Certainly. ALLAN. Of course then it isn't nice for Pinching, is it ? PINCHING. Yes, it is ! Miss MOXON. Yes, it's all right for Pinching. ALLAN. No, it isn't because No by Jove it's father it isn't nice for ! [Mns. JEIIMYN throws lierself on, to the setteeJ] MBS. JEBMYN. Allan Allan come to me. ALLAN. Oh, don't cry, Miss Moxon I mean, mother. MBS. jEBMyN. I thought our first meeting, whenever it happened* would be so different from this. ALLANi So it was, you know. THE HODDY-HORSE 131 MRS. JERMYN. I have often pictured my Lusband's sou as the bright impulsive young fellow you are. Have you never thought of what / might be ? ALLAN. Well, yes, if you remember, I imagined you a thin, pale lady with spectacles MRS. JERMYN. Oh, yes, of course that was unkind of you, Toin I mean, Allan. But didn't your father describe me to you, dear ? ALLAN. Yes, he told me yesterday you were an enormous- ly stout old lady MRS. JERMYN. Oh! ALLAN. It was his little joke, you know. MRS. JERMYN. Then he hasn't told you of my fierce philanthropic cravings my wild fancies for adopting and rearing 1-1-little b-b-boys ? ALLAN. No. Ob, I see MRS* JERMYN. Yes, you see, Allan, what led me into this matt scheme of taking Constance Moxon's name and fill- ing her place at poor Mr. Brice's unknown to every- one. You don't blame your poor mother, do you ? 132 THE IIODBY-HOItSE ALLAN. No, mother dear of course I don't. I understand now all about it. Visiting Tyke's Court, eh ? MBS. JBRMYN. [Cry ing.~] Y-yes. ALLAN. Ha ! ha ! That was rather a failure, wasn't it ? MRS. JERMYN. [Laughing and crying."] Awful. Don't remind me of it! ALLAN. Your turning faint and coming to in the chemist's ! Ha ! ha ! MRS. JERMYN. Ha ! ha ! Why, I should never have been so foolish if I had always had you to manage and con- trol, my own dear little boy. ALLAN. No, mother dear. MRS. JERMYN. [Smoothing his hair and arranging his cravat."] I shall dress you quite differently from this in a day or two. ALLAN. Yes, mother. MRS. JERMYN. Yes and I think I shall part your hair in that way. ALLAN. Thank you, mother. THE UOBBY-UORSE 133 MRS. JEBMYX. And you'll always look up to me and come to me for advice in your little troubles, won't you ? ALLAN. Certainly. And I should like to say, mother dear, that I am very sorry very sorry that I MBS. JERMYN. You are going to confess a fault, my boy ? ALLAN. Well, yes, mother I suppose I am. MRS. JERMYX. Sit there. What is it, child ? [ALLAN sits at her feet, she places her hand on his head.] ALLAN. I was going to say that I MRS. JERMYX. Yes don't be afraid that I shall punish you, Allan. You are very sorry that you ALLAN. That I advised old Noel to to propose to you, mother dear. MRS. JERMYN. You advised him ! ALLAN. Yes, mother he wouldn't have done it but for me. I egged him on. 134 THE HOBBY-HORSE MRS. JERMYN. Yon did ! [Seizing him by the shoulders.] You are the cause of all the mischief, then ! ALLAN. Yes, mother, but listen ! MRS. JERMYN. [Rising and facing him.] Oh ! Oh ! Why aren't you the same size as other mothers' boys, that I might properly chastise you ! [JERMYN bustles in at the ivindow.] SPENCER JERMYN. Oh, my dear Diana I've been running after you everywhere. How very inconsiderate ! [Kissing her.] How are you, my darling ? MRS. JERMYN. I'm not very well, Spencer, thank you. SPENCER JERMYN. You look white. [Seeing ALLAN.] Hullo, you've found my boy, then ? MRS. JERMYN. Y-yes we've been talking. SPENCER JERMYN. My dear, you're surely not concerned at his size it doesn't make you any older, Diana. MRS. JERMYN. No, it isn't that, Spencer. THE HOBBY-HORSE 135 SPENCER JERMYN. Have you been upsetting your mother, sir, before you've been in the house ten minutes? ALLAN. No, father. SPENCER JERMYN. Don't answer me, sir don't answer me! Go away ! [ALLAN joins Miss MOXON and PINCHING. ] He's a fine chap, isn't he ? MRS. JERMYN. Very. SPENCER JERMYN. Of course you can't judge of his excellent quali- ties from seeing him once, can you ? MRS. JERMYN. Oh, no. SPENCER JERMYN. Wait till you've known him a week, Diana wait till you've known him a week. MRS. JERMYN. Oh! SPENCER JERMYN. What is the matter, my dear girl ? Miss MOXON. [Coming to MRS. JERMYN'S aid.'] How do you do, Mr. Jermyn? SPENCER JERMYN. Ah, Miss Moxon ! Glad to get back to us, eh? Extraordinary coincidence, your living in the same lofi THE HOBBY-HOUSE house with my boy and never suspecting it. You're quite old frientls, you and what did he call him- self? Miss MOXON. Tom Jones. SPENCER JERMYN. No, no he didn't, he didn't ! Miss MOXON. John Clark. SPENCER JERMYN. Tom Clark. [To himself.'] I've turned against that woman ! [PINCHING joins JERMYN and Miss MOXON.] Little did we suspect, Pinching, the other night, how near we were to the lady we both you especially, of course know so well. Miss MOXON. Yes, but ha, ha ! how jolly to be together here again ! SPENCER JERMYN. Ha ! ha ! ha ! [To himself. \ Wants to change the subject. That woman is deceiving poor Pinch- ing. The singular part of it is, Miss Sfoxon, that when I stumbled into Mr. Brice's room in the dark I saiv the figure of a lady. Miss MOXON. [Looking at MRS. JERMYN.] Ah ! SPENCER JERMYN. [To himself.] I thought so. [To Miss MOXON.] That must have been yourself, of course. THE HOBBY-HORSE 137 MBS. JERMYN. [Approaching.] Oh, Spencer ! SPENCER JERMYN. One moment. [To himself] I'll apply the test. [To Miss MOXON.] While I think of it I've a plan for this afternoon. Diana, we will drive Pinching and Miss Moxon over to Shodly to drink tea with the Warden of the Home, Mr. Brice. [MRS. JERMYN sinks upon the settee and Miss MOXON sits aghast on the ottoman.] SPENCER, JERMYN. [Looking only at Miss MOXON, to himself] I'm right. Coquette ! She sha'n't deceive poor Pinch- ing any longer. I'll consult Diana. [Miss MOXON, PINCHING, and ALLAN talk together. JERMYN sits beside MRS. JERMYN.] Diana. MRS. JERMYN. Spencer. SPENCER JERMYN. There's something I think I ought to tell you, my dear ! MRS. JERMYN. There's something I want to tell you, Spencer. SPENCER JERMYN. One moment, please, Diana. I didn't mention just now that when I entered Mr. Brice's room acci- dentally the other night I was unfortunate enough to witness a love episode of a very pronounced kind. MRS. JERMYN. Oh! 138 THE SPENCER JERMYN. I knew you'd be shocked. The fact is that this Mr. Brice, who is a poor, earnest kind of man, seems to have been proposing marriage to Miss Moxon. MRS. JERMYN. Yes, but, Spencer, she was not she was not en- couraging him 1 SPENCER JERMYN. Well, dear, it was in the dark, of course but I certainly didn't see any active protest on Miss Mox- on's part. MRS. JERMYN. No, no, Spencer, you are wrong. I'll tell you all everything, from beginning to end. The poor woman had no idea that Mr. Brice thought about her seriously. Listen ! Spencer Nettles ! SPENCER JERMYN. My darling, you know only your friend's version of the affair. But men are loyal as well as women. Permit me, therefore, to consider the feelings of my friend poor Pinching. [HEWETT enters, gives JERMYN a note, and they speak together at the window. MRS. JERMYN beckons ALLAN to Aer.] MRS. JERMYN. Allan my boy you will help me, won't you ? Only help me ! ALLAN. Of course I will you were jolly kind to me at Noel's. THE HOBBY-HORSE 139 MBS. JERMYN. Ab, that only shows that kindness is never thrown away. Allan, steal away quietly, go into the stable, put a saddle on my Betsy she hasn't been out since I left home and will be frightfully fresh and gallop over to Shodly Heath ! Tell Mr. Brice everything, Allan, and warn him, warn him that we're all coming over to tea this afternoon ! ALLAN. All right, mother trust to me ! [He runs out quietly through the conservatory.] SPENCER JERMYN. [Joining MRS. JERMYN with a dirty scrap of paper in Jtis hand.] My dear, things are not going quite smoothly at Shodly Home, I'm afraid. Some of the poor fellows have walked over a deputation they call themselves to make some formal complaint' about the behaviour of the Warden. Mns. JEKMYN. That's Mr. Brice ! SPENCER JERMYN. Yes. I hope you haven't made any muddle in the affair, my dear Pinching. PINCHING. I! SPENCER JERMYN. [To HEWETT.] I'll see these poor men here, Hew- ett, at once. [HEWETT ynes out.] 140 TJTE IIOBB Y-JIOrSK MRS. JERMYN. [To Miss MOXON.] Ob, Constance, what has hap- pened ? Miss MOXON. Hush, dear, hush ! SPENCER JERMYN. [Reading the scrap of paper.] Dear, oh, dear this is most unfortunate. Pinching, I fear I very much fear that your precipitate engagement of this Mr. Brice is not going to result in complete success. PINCHING. My dear Jermyu ! [HEWETT appears outside the window unth SHAT- TOCK, PEWS, MOULTER, a huge bullet-headed, ruffianly-looking person, and LYMAN, a wizen young man ivith a green shade over one eye.] SPENCER JERMYN. Come in, men come in. Diana, dear, you will be interested, I think. Come in. [The men enter and HEWETT retires.] SHATTOCK. Ladies all ! SPENCER JERMYN. Good -morning good -morning. I'm sorry to read here that you're not comfortable and happy, you men. What do you want ? SHATTOCK. [With an important cough.] I introdooce this Dep- itation. THE HOBBY-HORSE SPENCER JERMYX. Very well do so. SHATTOCK. Fust, there's me. Mr. Pews, you know and re- spect, Mr. Moulter never rode, but kep' the Blue Bull at Doncaster so is one of us. He lost his license unfairly through late hours, though it was keepin' up his sister's birthday on each occasion. That he'll swear to. Mr. Lyman step out 'ere, Bob. The name of Bob Lyman is a 'ouse'old word wherever Sport is honoured. He'll ride ag'in, Bob will, when honest men is Stooards of the Jockey Club. That's the Depitation. SPENCER JERMYN. Well, well, well what is wrong with you ? SHATTOCK. What's wrong with MS ? What is wrong with the Reverend N. Brice? MRS. JERMYN. [To herself. .] Oh ! SPENCER JERMYN. Nothing, I hope. SHATTOCK. Nothing ! I should like his running inquired into, that's all. SPENCER JERMYN. Will you explain yourself ? You others, speak up. [To LYMAN.] That little man there. LYMAN. Well, ladies and gentlemen, what Mr. Shattock in- THE IIOBBY-EOKSE fers is the followin'. We thouglit we was a' enter- iug ourselves for the Free and Easy Stakes, and we find ourselves runnin' 'eavy in the Church o' England Welter. PEWS and MOULTEK. Hear, hear ! SHATTOCK. Well put, Bob. Hear me, dear ladies. The rev- erend gentleman arrived yesterday afternoon, 'avin' apperently sustained no damage on 'is journey down. He comes up the path at Shodly 'Ome with a neat little filly makin' all the runnin' for 'im. SPENCEU JEUMYN. Hush, hush his niece, please. SHATTOCK. I 'appened to be in the porch at the time a' throwin* up a 'armless coin or two with Mr. Pews. "Stop that! "he says. "Stop what?" I says. " Gambling ! " he says. SPENCER JERMYN. Good gracious ! Very arbitrary, eh, Pinching ? SHATTOCK. I pockets the bitter insult and I marches straight into the drawiu'-room, where a few of our gentlemen was a' playin' parlour bowls, and I says, " Mark the game where it stands, my lords; here's the Arch- bishop o' Canterbury dropped in." SPENCER, JERMYN, You shouldn't have said thati THE UOBBJ-HOHSE 143 SHATTOCK. So the Reverend N. opinionated, for forthwith, lie sticks 'isself up ag'in' the mantelpiece, and he preaches at us from half - past three till tea - time. Whereupon the young lady sings us a solemn air. Well, we honcored that not so much for the toon, but to rile the Reverend N. And then one of our gentlemen 'Enery 'Awkins got melted and told his 'istory. That did us, because 'Enery's career '.isn't been so honourable as wot ours 'as. And then the Reverend N. lets us 'ave it agin. " Races ! " he says, "the only prize worth runnin' for is the Clear Conscience Cup, distance, three-score years and ten. Sport ! " he says ; " dooty to your neighbour, there's sport for yer ! " And then 'im and the young lady shakes 'ands with us all round like 'ypocrites, and retires to be weighed in, 'avin' preached ag'in' us for three hours twenty by Benson's chronometer, beiii' the longest sermon on record. [SHATTOCK rejoins his companions, who receive him approvingly.'] MOULTEK, PEWS, and LYMAN. Well rode, Samuel, well rode ! SPENCER JERMYN. I must say I must say that this is not the treat- ment to which any follower of the Turf should be subjected ! Pinching, I am most indignant ! SHATTOCK. [Looking out, of window.] Hullo, look 'ere 1 'Ere's a cowardly act ! THE HOBBY-HORSE SPENCER JERMYN. What's that ? SHATTOCK. 'E can't trust us to tell our own tale lie follows us from Shodly ! [Tliere is a murmur of indignation from the men. Catching sight of NOEL, MRS. JERMYN and Miss MOXON make their escape.} SPENCER JERMYX. "Who follows you from Shodly ? SHATTOCK. 1m ! The Reverend N. ! 'Ere he is ! [NOEL BRICE enters with BERTHA.] NOEL BRICE. Good-morning, Mr. Jermyn. SPENCER JERMYN. H'm ! Good-morning. NOEL BRICE. Bertha, dear, go and look at the flowers in the gar- den till I have finished. [BERTHA goes out through the window."] These men, Mr. Jermyn, knowing my intention to report the conduct of some of their num- ber, are evidently here to defend themselves in ad- vance. I am glad it is so. SPENCER JERMYN. I beg your pardon. These men are here, Mr. Brice, to prefer a complaint against against the Warden, I regret to say. THE HOBBY-HORSE NOEL BBICE. Indeed ! SPENCER JERMTN. Yes, Mr. Brice, and may I ask, sir, whether- [PINCHING is about to steal out.'] Pinching, please, kindly treat this affair with your usual professional strictness. PINCHING. Certainly, Jermyn. SPENCER JERMTN. May I ask, Mr. Brice, whether you have thought it generous to reproach these unfortunate men with their calling, sir? SHATTOCK. 'E 'ave ! NOEL BRICE. I certainly have made no effort to teach them to respect their calling. I don't like their calling, sir. SPENCER JERMYN. What, Mr. Brice ! SHATTOCK. Oh, 'ark and before Bob Lymau too ! SPENCER JERMYN. Pinching, take notes of this, please. PINCHING. \ffaxtily.] I was just thinking of doing something of that sort, Jermyn. 14G THE HOBBY-HORSE SPENCER JERMYN. But, good gracious, Mr. Brice ! Do you forget the wording of my manifesto in The Seraphim f NOEL BRICE. No, I recollect it perfectly. SPENCER JERMYN. [Losing Ms patience.] Very well then, sir, is your behaviour to these unfortunate persons consistent with a thorough sympathy with our National Sports and Pastimes ? NOEL BRICE. No indeed it is not. SPENCER JERMYN. You admit it ! Bless my soul nnd body, sir ! Then do you mean to stand there and tell me to my face that you don't detect an elevating tendency in Horse- racing ? NOEL BRICE. I regret, sir, that my observations have not in- formed me of such a tendency. SPENCER JERMYN. Where is your letter where is your letter ? [In his endeavours to find the letter he drops his cigar-case upon the floor.] SPENCER JERMYN. Devil take the things ! [To NOEL.] I beg your pardon. Where's the letter ? Here it is. Your let- ter, sir, THE 1IOB11Y-I10RSE 147 NOEL BRICE. My letter, sir. SPENCER JERMTN. [.Referring to the letter.] May I ask. you, Mr. Brice, if this attitude is consistent with a delight a delight, sir in accepting the Warcleuship of ray much-needed Home ? NOEL BRICE. No, sir, it is not for I cannot conscientiously affirm that the Home at Shodly is a much-needed institution. SPENCER JERMYN. [Beside himself, holding out the letter."] Is that your letter ? NOEL BRICE. Certainly that is my letter. SPENCER JERMYN. Then I'm d [To NOEL.] I beg your pardon. Pinching ! Pinching you are my solicitor. I knew your father too. It will be both a professional and a friendly act if you will endeavour to prevent my losing entire control over myself. Pinching, what can I say to this man ? Good lord, Pinching, what shall I do ? PINCHING. H'm ! Ask Mr. Brice to read, word for word, his own letter. [To himself.} Now I have done something ! 148 THE HOBBY-HORSE SPENCER JERMYN. [Handing the letter to NOEL.] Your clear head is invaluable, Pinching. NOEL BRICE. [Reading the letter.} "My Dear Sir." My Dear Sir ! [He reads the letter to himself.] SPENCER JERMYN. There, sir ! there ! there ! NOEL BRICE. Why, what Oh ! What is the meaning of this? SPENCER JERMYN. I should be glad to know, Mr. Brice. NOEL BRICE. This is no letter of mine ! Surely you don't Stop, sir yes, this is my signature I have signed this it is my letter. SPENCER JERMYN. Now, Mr. BricCj you will perhaps offer some ex- planation. XOEL BRICE. I cannot. How how can I explain this ? SPENCER JERMYN. That letter is evidently written at your dictation. NOEL BRICE. Yes. But the matter of it is not inspired by any thought or word of mine. THE HOBBY-HORSE 149 SPENCER JERMYN. Do you mean, sir, that you have been made a fool of that /have been made a fool of? NOEL BRICE. Mr. Jermyn, I have accepted a post for which my opinions and sympathies quite unfit me. If you think I owe you an apology, I offer it freely. I make an appeal to you. I ask you to allow me to destroy this letter, and to turn my back upon Shodly Heath without delay. Mr. Jermyn, let me destroy this letter ! SPENCER JERMYN. Excuse me, sir not just yet My letter, please. [NOEL returns the letter.] Whatever injury has been done you, Mr. Brice, is more than doubled by the affront which the perpetrator of this joke has put upon me. I demand to know the name of the actual writer of this letter. NOEL BRICE. I regret that I cannot give it I cannot give it. SPENCER JERMYN. You refuse to give it? NOEL BRICE. I refuse. SPENCER JERMYN. Tsike your men away for a moment, Mr. Shattock. Wait outside, please. 150 THE EODBT-UORSE SHATTOCK. Examine his pedigree, dear gentlemen ! SPENCER JERMYN. Go away ! SHATTOCK. Look at his mouth, dear gentlemen ! SPENCER JERHYN. Go away ! SHATTOCK. The Depitation then withdroo. [SHATTOCK, PEWS, MOULTER, and LYMAN go out.'] SPENCER JERMYN. Mr. Brice, will you be good enough to inform me if this letter is the handiwork of a lady ? NOEL BRICE. When I tell you that it icas written by a lady whom I respect, don't you see that it should be destroyed destroyed ! [To PINCHING.] Sir, if you have any influence over Mi*. Jermyn, will you add your earnest request to mine that this letter should be torn to shreds and forgotten ? PINCHING. Certainly. I do urge Mr. Jermyn most strongly to destroy the letter and let the matter drop. SPENCER JERMYN. Pinching, you are probably less my solicitor than my friend. It is in the latter capacity that I fear I am going to give you considerable pain. THE HOBBY-HORSE 151 PINCHING. Jerrnyn ! SPENCER JERMYN. Now, Mr. Brice, will you forgive my asking you if tlie lady who wrote that letter is engaged to be mar- ried to you ? NOEL BRICE. Sir! SPENCER JERMYN. You'd rather not answer ? NOEL BRICE. I will answer you the lady is not engaged to be married to me. SPENCER JERMYN. \Gmapiny PINCHING'S hand.] I am delighted to hear it ! My dear Pinching ! [Turning to NOEL.] My good sir ! She has refused you ? NOEL BRICE. No, sir, she has not refused me. SPENCER JERMYN. Not refused you. Poor Pinching ! Sir, I am sorry to deduce from your statement that you are awaiting this lady's decision ? NOEL BRICE. I will tell you no more, Mr. Jermyu. Will you de- stroy that letter ? 152 THE HOBBY-HORSE SPENCER JERMYN. Stop, Mr. Brice, please. Pinching, my dear boy, in resenting the gross insult which has been put upon me I find I must deal a severe blow, not to you alone, but to that gentleman also. Pinching, oblige me by asking Miss Moxon to join us. NOEL BRICE. Miss Moxon ! Did you say Miss Moxon ? SPENCER JERMYN. Pinching. PINCHING. Pardon me, Jernayn as jour friend I would rather do nothing of the kind. NOEL BRICE. Miss Moxon here in your house ! SPENCER JERMYN. Certainly. Shall I ring for Miss Moxon, Pinching, or would you prefer my seeking her? PINCHING. No, no wait one moment. [He goes quickly into the conservatory.'] NOEL BRICE. What is Miss Moxon doing here ? What is she doing here ? SPENCER JERMYN. Miss Moxon is a friend of my wife's, and she has just returned to my house from yours. THE nOBBY-HORSE l.">3 NOEL BBICE. But this gentleman, Mr. Pinching she is nothing to him? SPENCER JERMYN. I regret to tell you, Mr. Brice, that Mr. Pinching and Miss Moxon are affianced lovers. NOEL BRICE. Ah! [Miss Moxox enters quickly, followed by PINCHING.] SPENCER JERMYN. [With the letter in his hand.] Madam, you will allow me to express my deep sorrow at the position I feel justified in adopting toward a friend of Mrs. Jermyn's. With your relations with these two gentle- men I have perhaps little to do NOEL BRICE. Stop, sir ! SPENCER JERMYN. Hush, please ! But with the writer of this letter I have a distinct reckoning to make. Madam, your sense of humour may be more acute and your notions of jesting more practical than my own. But, how- ever greatly you may be my superior in these re- spects, I call into question your taste in placing that gentleman in the position he now occupies, and in ridiculing a scheme of charity which ignorance must have robbed you of the privilege of understanding. [Handing NOKL the letter. \ Mr. Brico, I have done with that letter. 154 TUB HOBBY-HORSE NOEL BRICE. Pardon me, Mr. Jermyu, but may I ask this lady's name ? SPENCER JERMYX. That lady's name ! NOEL BRICE. Because if it is not that gentleman's duty to de- fend her from the charges you have brought against her it is mine. PINCHING. It is my duty ! I was just thinking of saying so ! SPEXCER JERMYX. Do you mean to stand there and tell me that you don't recognize the lady who has resided in your house for nearly a fortnight ? PINCHING. Jerinyu, she has done nothing of the kind ! SPEXCER JERMYN. You'll drive me mad amongst you ! [To NOEL.] You don't deny that that lady was recently your niece's companion ? NOEL BRICE. Certainly, I deny it. SPENCER JERMYX. Madam, have you not just returned from Mr. Brice's lodgings ? THE HOBBY-HORSE 155 Miss MOXON, Oh, no, Mr. Jerniyn I have never seen Mr. Brice till this moment. SPENCER JERMYN. Never seen him ! Never seen him ! Why, the night before last I saw you see him ! PINCHIXG. Jerinyn, believe me, you don't know anything about it ! SPENCER JERMYX. Not know anything about it ! (To NOEL.) "Was Miss Constance Moxou ever your niece's companion ? NOEL BRICK. She was, sir. SPENCER JERMYX. Then how dare you all NOEL BRICE. She was but, Mi*. Jerinyn, you know that that lady is not Miss Constance Moxon. SPENCER JERMYN. Not Miss Constance Moxon ! Good heavens ! PINCHING. Yes, she is ! Miss MOXON. Yes, I am ! [BERTHA appears at the window.] BERTHA. Uncle ! Uncle Noel ! I've found her ! I've found her ! 15G THE HOBBY-HORSE NOEL BRICK Found her ! BERTHA. Miss Moxon ! She's here ! She's here ! Miss Moxou ! NOEL BRICE. [Turning to the others.] I told you so ! What trick are you all playing me ? SPENCER JERMYN. Miss Moxon ! [BERTHA enters, dragging MRS. JERMYN by the hand.] BERTHA. Uncle Noel, look here ! NOEL BRICE. Miss Moxon ! SPENCER JERMYN. Miss Moxon ! That is Mrs. Jermyn that is my wife, sir ! NOEL BRICE. Your wife ! Miss Moxon, your wife ! SPENCER JERMYN. Why, you don't mean that this is the lady who Oh ! [HEWETT enters, supporting ALLAN, who is limping.] HEWETT. All right, sir young gentleman got thrown ! ALLAN. [Sinking on to the settee.] Noel mother I THE HOBBY-HORSE 157 PINCHING. [Quietly to Miss MOXON.] I kept it from him as long as I possibly could nobody could have done more. BERTHA. Oh, uncle, Allan is hurt ! Allan ! HEWETT. He's all right, miss. Young gentleman got Betsy out of the stable on his own account. He come off beautifully, just by Pinnock's Gate never saw a gentleman come off neater. [HEWETT retires.] SPENCER JERMYN. Mr. Brice, do I understand you to tell me that Mrs. Jermyn is the lady you have hitherto supposed to be Miss Moxon? NOEL BRICE. Mrs. Jermyn is the lady I have known as Miss Moxon. [He turns away and leans against the mantle-piece with his head bowed.'] SPENCER JERMYN. Diana. MRS. JERMYN. Spencer. SPENCER JERMYN. Then you, and not Miss Moxon, have been act- ing as companion to this young lady during my absence from Odium House ? MRS. JERMYN. Yes, Spencer ! 158 THE UOBBY-IlOnSE SPENCER JERMYN. And. I understand, Miss Moxon, that this has been with your connivance and assistance ? Miss MOXON. Yes! SPENCER JERMYN. While at the same time you have remained my guest ? Miss MOXON. Yes, Mr. Jermyn ! SPENCER JERMYN. And you have known all this, Allan ? ALLAN. Found it out this morning, father ! SPENCER JERMYN. And you, Pinching ? PINCHING. H'm ! I learned the state of affairs yesterdays SPENCER JERMYN. {Looking round from one to the other.'] Thank you! ALLAN. You know, father, you've only been home about half an hour there hasn't been time to tell you all the news. SPENCER JERMYN. Be silent ! THE HOBBY-HORSE 159 ALLAN. [Quietly to BERTHA.] Bertha, my knee is awfully bad come and walk about in the garden. [They steal out through the windoiv.] PINCHING. If my action has been at all undecided in this business, Jermyn SPENCER JERMYN. Mr. Pinching ! PINCHING. I hope you will attribute it to my good fortune in being engaged to one of the ladies concerned. Miss MOXON. I am afraid 7 don't come out of it as well as I should like to, Mr. Jermyn. SPENCER JERMYN. Excellently, Miss Moxon. I thought you had been guilty of a joke I find it is nothing of the kind. Miss MOXON. Oh, take me away ! I'm not used to unkindness and can't bear it ! Take rne away ! [PINCHING leads her out throur/h (he conservatory.] SPENCER JERMYN. Mr. Brice. A few moments ago you asked me to destroy the letter which you now hold in your hand, ICO THE IIOBDT-UORSE and I refused to do so. I am now ashamed to dis- cover that it is a letter written by my wife to which your signature has been obtained by unfair means. Is that so, Diana ? MRS. JERMYN. It is so, Spencer. SPENCER JERMYN. I am in your hands, Mr. Brice what do you in- tend to do with that letter ? NOEL BRICE. Return it to you, Mr. Jermyn, thinking you may some day see in it nothing but the evidence of an impulsive lady's compassion and tender-heartedness towards u very poor man. [He hands JERMYN the letter and walks away to the veranda.'] MRS. JERMYN. Spencer. SPENCER JERMYN. Diana, MRS. JERMYN. That is the truth. I wanted to aid Mr. Brice, who is so badly off. I wrote the letter hoping to obtain his signature fairly, but when he had signed it in ignorance it fell into Mr. Pinching's hands. Oh, you see what a plight philanthropy has brought me to ! SPENCER JERMYN. Unfortunately everybody can see it. THE HOBBY-HORSE 161 MRS. JERMYN. I know I'm a spectacle. It was worse than indis- creet of me to take Constance's place at Mr. Brice's. SPENCER JERMYX. I won't contradict yon. MRS. JERMYN. Thank you. I did it on the despairing discovery that you couldn't, wouldn't sympathize with my aims. SPENCER JERMYN. Oh! MRS. JERMYN. Yes. But even then I didn't let anybody but you take me to London. SPENCER JERMYN. Don't jest, madam. MRS. JERMYN. I won't, dear. Perhaps because I was in Mrs. Laudon's bonnet and waterproof you did not recog- nize me. SPENCER JERMYN. Diana ! MRS. JERMYN. Yes, Nettles, and you paid for my ticket to town but only third class. And then, you must re- member, when I did get to Mr. Brice's there was the boy our son to watch over his mother. And what has been my greatest fault ? Why, procuring L 162 THE HOBBY-HORSE a Warden for the much-needed Home ! Oh, don't look like that, Nettles ! The Home at Shodly Heath is a flourishing establishment in your hour of triumph pity my complete collapse ! I thought that a ragged, uncombed, unwashed community was my sphere. Spencer, I have found out it isn't ! [Crying on his shoulder.] Surely you can feel for a philanthropist less fortunate than yourself ! [NOEL comes into the room.] If I've done no good I've done no harm [She sees NOEL.] Except Oh, Spencer, you know the mistake that has occurred. Say what you like to me but beg his pardon, for I can't. SPENCER JERMYN. Mr. Brice, Mrs. Jermyn tells me I am to beg your pardon. I do so. I have married a very foolish headstrong lady I beg your pardon. Mrs. Jermyn keeps your niece company and assists you in your parish work without my permission I beg your pardon. In the meantime you fall in love with my wife, sir, and you ultimately propose marriage to her in my presence I beg your pardon. MRS. JERMYN. Oh, dear ! Oh, dear ! You're not doing it prop- erly ! NOEL BRICE. Mr. Jermyn, the tone you speak in spares me the pain of thinking that you believe an apology is neces- sary. As for my mistake, it is slighter than you imagine. THE HOBBY-HORSE 163 SPENCER JERMYN. Slighter ? NOEL BRICE. Yes, sir. The only great mistake possible in pro- posing marriage is to select an unworthy object. I fell into no such error. I believed Miss Moxon to be a generous, warm-hearted lad} r , whom any man should be proud to call his wife. I thought that, and I think it still ! SPENCER JERMYN. [Pointing to MRS. JERMYN.] But your Miss Moxon is Mrs. Jermyn, Mr. Brice ! NOEL BRICE. So I find and upon that I congratulate you with all my heart. SPENCER JERMYN. Eh? Oh thank you! NOEL BRICE. Before I leave your house, Mr. Jermyn, I wish to discharge the duty which brought me here. \ Go- ing to the window and calling.] Shattock ! [SHATTOCK appears at the teindow with PEWS, MOULTER, and LYMAN. SHATTOCK advances into the room.] SHATTOCK. Don't listen to 'im, lady and gentleman he's a outsider, lady and gentleman ! NOEL BRICE. I desire to tell you, Mr. Jermyn, that you are har- 164 THE HOBBY-HORSE homing at your house at Shodly a set of unprincipled ruffians, to whom the man who befriends them is an object of contempt and ridicule. SHATTOCK. It was 'Opkinson wot said you had a tile oft', sir 1 SPENCER JERMYN. A tile off! Send Hopkinson away ! NOEL BRICE. [Takiny a written paper from his pocket and giving it to JERMYN.] I am going to hand over to Mr. Jer- myn a letter written by you, Shattock, which was intercepted by the man Hawkins and given to me last night. SHATTOCK. A letter ! Wot letter ? [To JERMYN. Don't 'eed it, sir don't 'eed it ! It's a forgery, sir there's a low lot in the 'Ome ! SPENCER JERMYN. [JEUMYN takes the paper from NOEL and reads it.~\ Diana ! This is a letter from this man Shattock to a person named Emanuel, of Newmarket, offering to dispose surreptitiously of eight brass candlesticks and all the cutlery and linen in the Shodly Home. MRS. JERMYN. Oh, Spencer ! SHATTOCK. I'm learnin' to write, sir it's my exercise, sir I THE HOBBY-HOUSE 165 SPENCER JERMYN. Let every man-jack of you be out of Sliodly Farm by four o'clock to-day, or I'll put this letter in the hands of the police ! [PEWS, LYMAN, and MOULTEB sneak away.] SHATTOCK. [With scorn.] The police you wouldn't get smiled at, would you ? NOEL BRICE. Come, my man, I'll walk with you to the lodge gate. SHATTOCK. What, Mr. Spencer Jermyn, did you think you was a goin' to patronize men o' the position of Bob Ly- man and me ! Let this be a solemn lesson to you. Why you ought to be warned off every respectable race-course you foolish, vain old gentleman ! NOEL BRICE. Now, Mr. Shattock, please ? SHATTOCK. 'Ere ! Am I to be paid for my time or not ? SPENCER JERMYN. If you don't leave this room I'll ring for my ser- vants. SHATTOCK. Hah ! There's orstentation ! [SHATTOCK goes out through the window and dis- appears, followed by NOEL.] 166 THE HOBB7-HOESE SPENCER JERMYN. The wretches ! The ungrateful wretches ! The sleepless hours this scheme has cost me ! Nothing so complete had ever been organized. And then to think only to think that it shouldn't work after all. MRS. JERMYN. Oh, Spencer ! Your philanthropy, like mine, is an awful failure let our common misfortunes bring us together. Nettles ! SPENCER JERMYN. But look at my position ! A little while ago I had a Home without a Warden, now I've a Warden with- out a Home ! MRS. JERMYN. W T rite to Canon Carver and beg him to do some- thing for Mr. Brice. SPENCER JERMYN. I will something a long way off. [ALLAN and BERTHA appear at the window.] ALLAN. Father ! those Shodly Heath men are picking all our flowers. SPENCER JERMYN. Let them pluck them up by the roots. MRS. JERMYN. [Pointing to ALLAN and BERTHA.] Spencer look. I suppose you guess what that means ? THE HOBBY-HORSE 167 SPENCER JERMYN. The scamp yes. MRS. JERMYN. Well, then, why shouldn't we both of us re- build the old farm-house at Shodly and furnish it sumptuously as a home SPENCER JERMYN. Another Home ! MRS. JERMYN. A home for Allan and Bertha. SPENCER JERMYN. Allan's home at Shodly, eh? That's something like my scheme ! MRS. JERMYN. It is your scheme. And then, in time, when there are three or four babbling babies rolling upon the grass SPENCER JERMYN. Yes, but that's your scheme, Diana. MRS. JERMYN. It's something like my scheme. Don't you see, Nettles we shall please each other at last? [PINCH- ING and Miss MOXON appear outside the window.] Spencer, are you still thinking that you can't for- give me ? SPENCER JERMYN. No, Diana I am thinking that in the future 1 168 THE HOBBY-HORSE shall be seldom seen at Epsom and Ascot and Good- wood and Doncaster. MBS. JERMYN. Hush, Spencer why ? SPENCER JERMYN. Ah, because I mustn't leave my wife alone any more, Diana. MRS. JERMYN. No, Nettles, but [Taking his hand affection- ateh/.] you must always take her with you. THE END. Printed by BALLANTYNE HANSON & London and Edinburgh H Selection FROM MR. WM. HEINEMANWS LIST February 1892. Crown Copgrf^bt Series. The changed conditions of publishing in the English- speaking countries, brought about by the American Copy- right Legislation 0/1891, have made it possible without doing injustice to the authors to issue new and original works of fiction in a form immediately accessible to the large class of readers who are unwilling to be permanently and entirely beholden to the Circulating Libraries. Mr. Heinemann has therefore made arrangements with a number of the first and most popular authors of to-day, ENGLISH, AMERICAN, AND COLONIAL, which will enable him to issue new and original works of theirs in a Series to be knmun as the CRO WN COPY- RIGHT SERIES at a uniform price of FIVE SHILLINGS per volume. These novels will not pass through an expensive two or three volume edition, but they will be obtainable at the Circulating Libraries as well as at all Booksellers and Bookstalls. The following volumes are now ready : ACCORDING TO ST. JOHN. By AM*LIE RIVES, Author of " The Quick or the Dead," &c. THE PENANCE OF PORTIA JAMES. By"TASMA," Author of " Uncle Piper of Piper's Hill,"&c. INCONSEQUENT LIVES. A Village Chroni- cle, Shewing how certain Folk set out for El Dorado, What they Attempted, and What they Attained. By J. H. PEARCE, Author of " Esther Pentreath," &c. A QUESTION OF TASTE. By MAARTEN MAARTENS, Author of "The Sin of Joost Avelingh," &c. [/ the Prets. AM'. 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