m THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES GIFT OF David Freedman NASBY. DIVERS VIEWS, OPINIONS, A sn OF Lail Pusler iir tUe t'lmrch nt the Soo Dinpeiuiuhun wirn nrxoROus desioxs nr tiiek jo\es. CIXCIXNA TI: R. W. Carroll & Co., PuhUshers, JOS. L. Torn AM ^ CO., Gmeral Agents, {Opera-Itoute Building.) 1866. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1S65, by R. W. CAEROLL & CO., In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern District of Ohio. DEDIKASHEN. TO THAT STERLIN PATRYOT AND UNKORRUPTIBLE CHRISCHEN GENTLEMAN. FERNANDYWOOD, uv Noo \ork: TO THAT HI-TONED MAN AND WOOL-DIED DIMEKRAT, FRANKLIN PEERSE, uv Noo Hampshire; TO THAT LONQ-SUFFKIN BUT PASHENT DIMEKRAT, JESSE D. BRITE, uv Injeant, Whose highest recommendashun is that he wuz eckspelled frum a Ahlislin Sonii hat who wood hev resined hed ther ever bin a prcsedcnt fer a Dimekrat resiuiu ; AND TO THE GRATE VALLANDIGUM, uv Ohio, Who went to the stake with a kamness onparrallelled, fer prinsipplo, IS K-ESFECTFULLY X)EDIIC.A.TEI3, THE ORTIIER. Saint's Rest, ('which is in the Stait rv Noo Gebset,) November the \st, I36S. PRESIDENT LINCOLN'S INDORSEMENT OF NASBY. The subjoined account of President Lincoln's hi^h appre- ciation of the wit and humor of Nasby was contributed to the New York Independent, by F. B. Carpenter, Esq., the artist, who enjoyed the confidence of our late lamented Chief Magis- trate, and whose reminiscences have an authenticity entitling them to implicit credit. Mr. Carpenter says : "The Saturday evening before President Lincoln left Washington, to go to the front, just pi-evious to the capture of Richmond, I was with him from seven o'clock till nearly twelve. It had been a very hard day with him. The pressure of office-seekers was greater at this junc- ture than I ever knew it to be, and he was almost worn out. Among the callers that evening was a party composed of a Senator, a Repre- sentative, an ex-Lieutenant Governor of a Western State, and several private citizens. They had business of great importance, involving the necessity of the President's examination of voluminous documents. Pushing every thing aside, he said to one of the party, 'Have you seen the Nasby Papers?' 'No, I have not,' was the answer. 'Who is Nasby?' 'There is a chap out in Ohio,' returned the President, 'who has been writing a series of letters in the newspapers over the signature of Pe- troleum V. Nasby. Some one sent me a pamphlet collection of them the other day. I am going to write to "Petroleum" to come down here, and I intend to tell him if he will communicate his talent to me, I will swap places with him!' Thereupon he arose, went to a drawer in his desk, and taking out the 'letters,' he sat down and read one to the company, finding in their enjoyment of it the temporary excitement and relief which another man would have found in a glass of grog! The instant he had ceased, the book was thrown aside, his countenance relapsed into its habitual serious expression, and the business was en tered upon with the utmost earnestness." / CONTENTS. kumhek pao» I. — How lie came to be a Democrat 25 II. — Wingerts Corners Secedes 28 III. — Negro Emigration 31 IV.— Oad to Peece 34 V. — Has an Interview with Vallandigham 36 VI. — Proposes to Celebrate the Fourth 40 VII. — Annihilates an Oberliuite 43 VIII.— Makes a Candidate "uv Hisself " 46 IX. — Shows why he should not be Drafted 52 X. — In Canada 54 XL— Is finally Drafted 57 XII. — Deserts — His Experience in Clothes 00 XIII.— Captures a Turkey 65 XIV. — Improves his Fortunes by Marriage 68 XV. — Converses with a Southern Soldier 70 XVI.— At Home 73 XVII. — Assists Draft Resisters 7t) XVIII.— Strategiscs 79 XIX. — Addresses the Soldiers ^l XX. — Organizes a Democratic Church 84 XXI. — Goes on with his Church 87 XXII.— "Capcherd" 00 XXIII.— Starts a Paper It3 XXIV. — Preaches and makes a Sudden Sliift '.'6 XXV. — Observes a Daj' of Fasting 99 XXVI.— Visits Vallandigham 102 XXVII. — Converses with a Brother 107 XXVIII.— Confession of Faith 110 Xll CONTEXTS. NTMrKK PAOE XXIX.— Preaches— Subject: "Givin " 113 XXX. — Visits Camp Dennison to Electioneer for Vallandigham. 116 XXXI.— In the "Apossel Biznis '' 119 XXXII.— Waileth 122 XXXIII.—" Changes his Base" 125 XXXIV. — Has an Interview with the President 128 XXXV.— Preaches 132 XXXVI.— Proposes to Restore the Union 13G XXXVII.— A Plan for the Salvation of the Democratic Party 139 XXXVIII.— Takes a Retrospective View 142 XXXIX.— Communes with Spirits 145 XL. — Tries an Experiment 149 XLI. — Addresses Jefferson Davis 152 XLII. — Establishes African Slavery 155 XLIII. — Opposes the Nomination of a Military Man 159 XLIV.— Preaches— Subject: " The Prodigal Son" 163 XLV.— Dreams 167 XLVI. — Tries to Awaken an Interest 172 XLVII. — Recommends Unanimity 176 XLVIII. — Again Repudiates McClellan, and Reasons Therefor.... 179 XLIX. — Ordains a Missionary 182 L.— AViU Support McClellan 186 LI.— Gives Thanks 189 LIL— Waileth 192 LIII. — Fremont's Nomination 195 LIV.— Nominates a Ticket 198 LV. — Addresses Jefferson Davis 200 LVL— On the Return of Vallandigham 203 LVII. — Defines his Position, and Appeals for Aid 206 LVIII. — Declares for Repudiation and Union with the South.... 210 LIX. — Shows that a War Platform won't do for the Democracy. 213 LX. — Has a Class Meeting and Deprecates Negro Killing 216 LXL— Starts a Society of his Own 219 LXII. — Indoi'ses the Nomination 222 LXIII.— The Candidates and Platform 226 CONTEXTS. XUl KVMBF.R PAG« LXIV.— Waileth Muchly 230 LXV. — Despondeut 233 LXVI.— Lamcnteth 235 LXVII. — The Planter's Lament 238 LXVllI. — Has a Dream 240 LXIX. — Loses a Friend, and Writes his Obituary 244 LXX. — Issues an "Appclc " 248 LXXL — lias a Difficulty with his Flock and Leaves it 252 LXXII. — Ye Lament of Joseph Bowers 255 LXXIII. — Takes a Retrospective View 262 LXXIV. — Deprecates the Arming of the Slaves by the South 206 LXXV. — Has a Frightful Dream 209 LXXVI. — Proposes the Emigration of the Democracy 272 LXXVII.— Consults the Spirits 276 LXXVIIL— "Waileth and Cusseth " 279 LXXIX. — Renounces Slavery 283 LXXX. — Lftmenteth 285 LXXXI. — Lines onto O. P. Morton, the Tirent uv Injeany 288 LXXXII. — Details the Failures of the Democracy 2l>0 LXXXIII. — Mr. Nasby and his Friends on the Fall of Charleston... 292 LXXXIV. — Lamenteth over the Apostiicy of the Saints 297 LXXXV.— The Fall of Richmond and Lee's Surrender 300 LXXXVL— The Assassination 304 LXXXVIL— "Makes a Delegashun uv Hisself '^ 007 LXXXVIIL— Sonnit — 2 a Litter uv Little Pigs 311 LXXXIX.— Has a Vision 312 XC. — Lays Down a Platform for the Coming Campaign 317 XCI.— Sonnit— 2 a Old Hoss 321 XCII. — Meets a "Rcconstructid Suihern Shivelry ' 322 XCIII.— "Dreams a Dream " 327 XCIV. -Sonnit^2 Whisky 331 XCV. — Issues an Address to the Southern Democracy 332 XCVI. — Searches the Scriptures, and gets Comfort Therefrom... 336 XCVII. — Suggests a " Psnlm of Sadness " for his friends South.. 339 XCVllI. — lias a Dream which Unveils the Future 343 XIV CONTENTS. NUJinER PAGE . XCIX. — Opposes the Nomination of Soldiers 349 C— Sonnit— 2 Ilanner Ann 353 CI. — Meets a Pardoned Rebel, who Enlightens Ilira 354 CII.— The Wise Old Rat 361 cm.— Sonnit— 2 my Nose 365 CIV.— The Diskontentid Pezant 3G6 CV.— Sonnit— 2 a Skeetcr 371 CVI. — Embarks in a New Enterprise 372 CVII. — Indulges in a Reminiscence of his Youthful Days 375 CVIII.— Sonnit— 2 a Korn 380 CIX.— On the Diversity of the Races 381 ex.— Sonnit— 2 a Five-cent Piece 385 CXI.— On Southern Character 386 CXII.— A Horrible Vision 390 CXIII.— Has a Conversation with the Devil 398 CXIV. — Appeal to the Democracy 403 CXV.— After the October Elections, 186-5 407 CXVL— The Bow-Legged Knite 411 CXVII — Gives his Experience in Negro Impudence 416 CXVIII.— A few Last Words 420 ILLUSTRATIONS. PAOB Title Page 1 poeteait 2 Nasbt Deserts — His Experience in Clothes 63 Nasby Visits Vallandigham 103 Nasby's Dream of Greatness 1G9 Nasby has a Difficulty with his Flock and Leaves it 255 Ye Lament of Joseph Bowers 257 The Union as it Was 355 NASBY. » I. HOW HE CAME TO BE A DEMOCRAT. I wuz born a Whig. ^ly parents wuz a mem- ber uv that party, leastways my mother wuz, and she alluz did the votin, allowin my father, uv course, to go thro the manual labor uv castin the ballot, in deference to the laws uv the country, wich does not permit females or niggers to vote, no matter how much intelleck they may hcv in2 em. In all probability I shood hev cast my lot with that party, hed not a insident occurred, in my boy- hood days, wich satisfied me that the Dimocrisy wuz my approprit and nateral abidin-place. It wuz in this wise : In a playful mood, wun nite, I bustid open a grosery, and appropriatid, ez a jest, what loose change ther wuz in the drawer, (alars ! in these 26 PETKOLEUM V. NASBY. degenerit days uv paper currency, the enterprisin tlieef hez to steel at 40 per sent discount,) and sich other notions ez struck my boyish fancy. I indoost a nigger boy, sumwhat younger than my- self, to aid me, and when we hed bagged the game, I, feelin in my pride ez wun hevin the proud Anglo-Sacksun blood a coursin toomulchusly thro his vanes, what Cheef-Justis Taney hez sence made law, to-wit: that the nigger hez no rites which the white man is bound to respeck, whaled him till he resined the entire proseeds uv the spekulashen to me. The degraded wretch, devoid uv every prinsiple uv honor, blowed on me, and we wuz both arrestid. The Justis uv the Pease wuz a Whig I and after a hurried eggsaminashen, he sentenst me ! wun uv his own race ! uv his own blood ! uv his own pa- rentige! to impriznment for thiety days! on bred and water, and the nigger to only ten, on the ground that I wuz the cheef oifender ! My mother beggd and prayd, with teers a stremin down her venrable cheeks faster than she cood wipe em up with her gingum apern, that the arrangement mite be reverst — the nigger the 30 and I the 10 — ^but no ! Cold ez a stun, inflexible ez iron, bludlis ez a turnip, I wuz inkarseratid, and stayed my time. HOW HE CAME TO BE A DEMOCRAT, 27 Sullenly I emerged from tliem walls, on the evenin uv the 30th day, a changed indivijoel. Liftin my hands 2 heven, I vowd 3 vows, to- wit: 1. That I wood devote my life to the work uv redoosin the Afrikin 2 his normal speer. 2. That I wood adopt a perfeshn in2 wich I cood steel without bein hauled up fer it. 3. That the water I hed consoomed while in doorance vile, wuz the last that wood ever find its way, undilootid, in2 my stumick. Hentz, I jined the Dimocrisy, and whoever eggsamines my record, will find that I HEV KEP MY OATHS ! 28 PETROLEUM V. Is'ASBY. II. WINGERT'S CORNERS SECEDES. Wingert's Corners, March the 21s;, 1861, South Carliny and sevral other uv the trooly Dimecratic States hev secesht — gone orf, I may say, onto a journey after ther rites, Wingert's Corners, ez trooly Dimecratic ez any uv em, hez follered soot. A meetin wuz held last nite, uv wich I wuz chairman, to take the matter uv our grievances in2 consideration, and it wuz finally resolved that nothin short uv seceshn wood remedy our woes. Therefore the follerin address, wich I rit, wuz adoptid and ordered to be publisht : TO THE world! In takin a step wich may, possibly, involve the state uv wich we hev bin heretofore a j)art into blood and convulsliuns, a decent respeck for the good opinion uv the world requires us to give our reasons for takin that step. Wingert's Corners hez too long submitted to the imperious dictates uv a tyranikle goverment. Our whole histry hez bin wun uv aggreshn on the wixgert's corxers secedes. 29 part uv the State, and iiv meek and j^ashent cn- doorence on ours. It refoosed to locate the State Capitol at the Corners, to the great detriment uv our j^atriotic owners uv reel estate. It refoosed to gravel the streets uv the Cor- ners, or even re-lay the plank-road. It refoosed to locate the Penitentiary at the Corners, notwithstandin we do more towards fillin it than any town in the State. It refoosed to locate the State Fair at the Cor- ners, blastin the hopes uv our patriotic groserys. It located the canal 100 miles from the Corners. We hev never hed a Guvner, notwithstandin the President uv this meetin hez lived here for yeers, a waitin to be urgd to accept it. It hez compelled us, yeer after yeer, to pay our share uv the taxes. It hez never appinted any citizen uv the place to any offis wher theft wuz possible, thus wilfully keepin capital away from us. It refoosed to either pay our rale-rode subscrip- shun or slackwater our river. Therefore, not bein in humor to longer endoor sicli outrajes, we declare ourselves Free and Inde- pendent uv the State, and will maintain our posi- tion with arms, if need be. 30 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. There wuz a lively time next day. A com- pany uv minit men wuz raised, and wun uv 2 minit men. The seceshn flag, muskrat rampant, weasel couchant, on a field d'egg-shell, waves from both groserys. Our merchant feels hopeful. Cut orf from the State, direct trade with the Black Swamp follers; releest from his indebtedness to Cinsinati, he will agin lift his head. Our repre- sentative hez agreed to resine — when his term ex- pires. We are in earnest. Armed with justice and shot-guns, we bid the tyrants defiance. P. S. — The feelin is intense — the childern hev imbibed it. A lad jest past, displayin the se- ceshn flag. It waved from behind. Disdainin concealment, the noble, lion-hearted boy wore a roundabout. We are firm. N. B. — We are still firm. N. B., 2d. — We are firm, unyeeldin, calm, and resoloot. Till death, Petroleum V. Nasbt. NEGRO EMIGKATIOX. 31 in. NEGRO EMIGRATION. Wingert's Corners, April the 2d, 1862. There is now 15 niggers, men, wimin, and childern, or rather, mail, femail, and yung, in Wingert's Corners, and yisterday another arrove. I am bekomin alarmed, for, ef they inkreese at this rate, in suthin over sixty years they '11 hev a majority in the town, and may, ef they git mean enuff, tyrannize over us, even ez we air tyrannizin over them. The danger is imminent! Alreddy our poor white inhabitants is out uv employment to make room for that nigger; even now our shops and factories is full uv that nigger, to the grate detriment uv a white inhabitant who hez a family 2 support, and our poor hows and jail is full uv him. ^ I imploar the peeple to wake up. Let us hold a mass meetin to take this subgik in2 consider- ashen, and, that biznis may be expeditid, I per- pose the adopshen uv a series uv preamble and resolooshens, suthin like the foUerin, to-wit : Wareas, We vew with alarm the ackshun uv the Presydcnt uv the U. S., in recommendin the immejit emansipashun uv the slaves uv our mis- 82 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. gidid Suthern brcthrin, and his evident intensliun uv kolonizin on em in the North, and the heft on em in Wingert's Corners ; and Wakeas, In the event uv this imigrashun, our fellow-townsman, Abslum Kitt, and uthers, whose familis depend upon their labor for support, wood be throde out of employment; and Waeeas, When yoo giv a man a boss, yoo air obleeged to also make him a present uv a silver- pi atid harnis and a $350 buggy, so ef we let the nio-o-er live here, we are in dootv bound to let him vote, and to marry him off-hand; and Ware AS, When this stait uv affares arrives our kentry will be no fit place for men uv educa- shen and refinement; and Waeeas, Eny man hevin the intellek uv a brass-mounted jackass kin easily see that the 2 races want never intendid to live together; and Waeeas, Bein in the if^gority, we kin do as we please, and ez the nigger aint no vote he kant help hisself ; therefore be it Besolved, That the crude, undeodorizd Afrikin is a disgustin obgik. Besolved, That this Convenshun, when it hez its feet washed, smells sweeter nor the Afri- kin in his normal condishun, and is there4 his sooperior. NEGRO EMIGRATIOX. 33 Hesolved, That the niggers be druv out uv Wingert's Corners, and that sich property ez they may hev accumulatid be confiscatid, and the proseeds applide to the follcrin purposes, to-wit : Payment uv the bills of the last Dimekratik Centre! Committee. Payment uv the disintrostid patriots ez got up this meetin. The balence to remane in my hands. Besolved, That the Ablishnists Avho oppose these resolushons all want to marry a nigger. Resolved, That Dr. Petts, in rentin a part uv his bildin to niggers, hez struck a blow at the very foundashens uv sosiety. Fellow whites, arowz! The enemy is onto us! Our harths is in danger! When we hev a nigger for judge — niggers for teachers — niggers in pul- pits — Avhen niggers rool and controle society, then will yoo remember this warn in! Arouse to wunst ! Rally agin Conway ! Rally agin Sweet! Rally agin Ilegler ! Rally agin Hegler's family ! Rally agin the porter at the Reed House ! Rally agin the cook at the Crook House ! Rally agin the nigger widder in Vance's Addishun ! Rally agin ^[issis Umstid ! Rally agin Missis Umstid's childern by her first hus- band! Rally agin ]Missis Umstid's childern by 34 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. her sekkund husband ! Rally agin all the rest uv Missis Umstid's childern ! Rally agin the nigger that cum yisterday ! Rally agin the saddle-culurd girl that yoost 2 be hear ! Ameriky for white men! Peteoleum V. Nasby. IV. OAD TO PEECE. FRUM A DIMEKRATIC STANDPINT. CUM, cum agin 2 us, swete Peece ! Spred thy "white wings oar our distractid land; Thro rownd the jarrin states thy silvery band. And bid this orful, friteful struggle cease. Doo cum ! we wate impashently, fur lo ! So long 's the Suthrin states is in rebelyun. So long A. Linkun, er sum jest sech hellyun, Will hold the rains, and owr fokes hev no show ! Lo ! up in Injeany, poor Bright wales ! Samcox hez but wun term — Vallandigham — His chansis at this time aint wuth a ; The Legislatur tuk the wind out uv their sales. Doo cum ! restore to us the good ole times, When Dimekrats cood hold a plais uv profit, OAD TO PEECE. 35 Good git a kontract — make a huge pile off it, When no Republikin tetched public dimes. Cum, and restoar 2 us the good ole days, When, jest by bendin to owr Suthrin masters, Our party dodged the horrible disasters Thet hcv oartook us sence we left them ways. Cum qwickly — fer jest now we've scores and scores Thet yern fer place — the Republikins won't hev us; Nuthin but pcece uv the rite kind will save us From dyin mizrably outside Treasery dores. Peece is what we want — we '11 swaller dirt. Jest ez J. Davis sez — in qwantitis 2 suit ; We '11 hist owr cote-tales — let 'em apply the boot ; We 've alluz dun it, so a repeat won't hurt. Then cum agin, peece ! and cum in sech a manner, Ez to confound owr foes, the nigger-lovers, And into plasiz uv rich profit shove us, And let us onct agin put Victry on owr banner. Petroleum V. Nasby. 36 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. V. HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH VALLANDIGHAM. Washintox, Joon the Is/, 1862. 1 AM in Washinton. I stand under the shadder uv the tempel iiv Liberty, and am reposin my weery lims in the kool shades uv Fredom. But I cant reelize that this is the saim Washinton I yoost 2 visit. I yoost to go frum Pennsilvany to the cappytle wunst a year, to git my stock uv Dimocrisy recrootid, and to find out what we wuz expectid to bleeve door in the cumin year, tlius gettin full 6 munths ahed uv my nabers. I wuz wunst electid gustis uv the peese in Berks County, by knoin neerly a year in advanse what we wuz to vote for that autum. They thot Nasby wuz a smart man. 2 resoom. This is not the Washinton that wunst I knode. Our cappytle is now a Ablishn camp. The brite sun reflex glittrin raze fi'um shinin baynets — the ear is horrifide with the rumble uv cannon-wheels, and the iren-shod war- steed clatters on the stony street. The slave- pens, them proud moniments uv the sooperiority of the Anglo-Sacksun race, hez bin swep away, and with them the heft uv the Dimocrisy. 0! HAS AN IXTERYIEW WITH VALLAXDIGHAM. 37 my country! Where is Tooms, and Yancy, and Wigfall ? The lofty domes iiv the cap[)ytle dont re-ekko no more 2 their sole-inspirin voices. Ez I reflek that these pillers uv Dimocrisy aint here — and, what is wiiss, that they dassent cum here — that these place that knode em wunst will kno em no more furever — ni}- manly buzzum throbs with sorrer, and my prowd form is bowed in anguish. thou fell sperit uv Abolishnism, thow hast much 2 anser for — mucher than thow canst an- ser. Wood that I cood lieeve thee owt uv these sacrid precinks, and with gentle stranes woo back them ez we hev lost. iVvant, thow grim and nasty cuss ! my stumiek heeves wheneer I think uv thee. 2 resoom. I kum hear to see Yallandygum. 1 huntid him up, and last nite we mingled our goys and sorrers in a talk that lasted 2 ours We hed a bottle uv concentratid contentment, and, after disposin uv a suf!i,shensy thereof, \ii\- landygum commenst : "Nasby," sez he, "we're in a lix." " Vallandygum," sez I, "to wich do yoo elude — our distractid country?" ♦'Nary," sez he; "I wuz a speekin uv myself and the rest uv us. Them 's my country." "Sagashus man," sez I, "youm rite. Politer- 38 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. killy we're ez bad off ez our frcnds in Fort Warin is personally. We 're in a tite place." "Yes," scz he; "and we must git out. We must carry the North this autum." " Certingly," sez I ; "but how?" '' I hev," sez he, " the plan uv the campane fixt. Fustly, we must oppose the wholesail votin by niggers." " But," sez I, "no niggers votes in the North." " Nasby," sez he, a puttin his thum to his nose, "a man uv straw is the eeziest knockt down, especially ef yoo hev set him up yerself for the purpos uv knockin uv him down. 2ndly, the immense emygrashun uv niggers into the North must be prohibytid." "But," sez I, "no niggers air comin, or hev any noshun uv comin in2 the North." "3rcUy," sez he, "the alarmin amalgamashun uv the races must be prohibytid." "But," sez I, "there's no amalgamashun north uv the Ohio River." "4thly," sez he, "the idee uv allowin the nig- ger to stand on a equality with the whites must be squelcht." "But," says I, "nobody wants em to be our ekals." HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH VALLANDIGHAM. 39 "Stilly," sez he, "no nigger must ever be al- lowd to hev offis in the Xorth." "But," sez I, "nobody wants the nigger to hev offis." " Never mind, Nasby," sez he ; " nigger is our trump card — we must lead off with it. Taxes is a good dodge, for no man likes to pay taxes, and we must work em u^:* on that. After nigger, compromise is our best holt. Ef, by a fair, ekitable compromise" — " To-wit, givin our Suthern brethren all they want," murmured I — " We kin end this unnatcral war," continered he, " wich hez tored up the foundashuns uv lib- erty, and rent the proud old Dimekratik party in twain"— " Into 2 twains," sighd I, like a ekkoin zephyr — "And reskoo the guverment frum the jobbers and spekulaters who now control it, and put it into the hands uv pure men" — "Sech ez Floyd, and Bright, and we," sejestid I, smilin sweetly — "Then," continered he, a wettin his lips at the mouth uv the bottle, "we will not liov labored in vain. To do this, and bring Ixick the fraternal feelins uv year, this bluddy war must cease. 0, 40 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Nasby, the Dimekratik staits is being invadia, the homes uv our Suthern brethren is bein vio- latid, their niggers and household gods is bein torn from em ; and onless we kin stand between em and rooin, will they, wen peese is restored, take us back, and give us the politikle crums they can't use? Xary." It wuz past 3 o'clock wen I partid from that trooly grate man. He give me a gineral outline uv the plans uv the confedrits, and red me letters he hed reseevd from Tooms, Davis, et settry. Peteoleu3I V. Nasby. VT. PROPOSES TO CELEBRATE THE FOURTH. Washinton, Joon the V2th. 1862. I AM still in Washinton, and wont be home for some time, on akount uv bisnis pertanin 2 the re-organizashun uv the Dimekratik part}^. I will give suffishent notis uv my cumin, so that my frends may git up a perceshun to escort me from the cars 2 my hotel. The objik uv this letter is 2 sejest a plan for the appropriate celebrashun uv the fourth uv PROPOSES TO CELEBRATE THE FOURTH. 41 July — the birthday of our Liberties — the day on wich Freedum wuz perclamd too all men, exceptin niggers, and them hevin a vizable admixter uv Aferken blud, et settery. I want to see a pure Dimekratik celebrashun fer wunst, and hold up both hands fer jest sech a wun. Let me sejest the follerin order fer a perceshun: 1st. Marshel in uniform uv Home Gard, deko- rated with a winder sash over the left shoulder. 2d. Banner with inskripshun, "The Yunyun ez it wuz — under Bookanun ! The constitooshn ez it is, with sum variashens." 3d. Barril contanin nativ corn joose, inskribd, "Our platform." 4th. Carrij contanin speeker, reeder, and chap- lin — wun of our perswashin kin be prokoord. 5th. Wagin with a nigger a lyin down, and mi esteemd frond Punt a standin onto him — a pare- gorical illustrashun uv the sooperiority uv the Anglo-Sacksun over the Afrikin rases. 6th. Soljers uv the present war. (A few may be procoord frum the militar\' prizen at Chicago, where they are at present unconstitooshnaly con- find, fer this ocashun.) 7th. The cort-house offishls, with banner and inscripshun, "Our saleries — we will defend em 2 the last." 3 42 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. 8th. Cittizens on hossbac with bottles. 9th. Cittizens in carrijes with bottles. 10th. Cittizens on foot with bottles. (Space on each side reserved fer cittizens a lyin down with empty bottles.) 11th. Candidates fer offis, all walkin on ther neez. Perceshun form so that the hed will rest on the distillery, and the tale on the cort-house, repre- sentin the beginnin and end uv our gellorious party. On arrivin at the grove, the follerin exercises may be had : Singin — Nashnel oad, "We've Cuflfee by de wool." Readin Vallandigum's address. Orashun — "J^Tigger: his Past, Present, and Fu- tur" — by myself. Singin — Patryotik song — " Sambo, ketch dat hoe, And resiue dat vane idee; We've got de power, you kno, And you never kin be free." Benedickshun, bi myself. In the evenin it would be appropriS to hev fire- works, and perhaps I might be indoost to deliver ANNIHILATES AN OBERLINITE. 43 an oraslmn on "Xigger: his Past, Present, and Futur." Sech a celebrashun would elevate the sperits iiv the faithful, and help mateerialy towards makin a triumpf this ortum. Respectfully, Petroleum V. Xasby. VII. ANNIHILATES AN OBERLINITE. Columbus, 0., June the 2\st, 1862. I wuz onto my way to Columbus to attend the annooal gatherin uv the fatheful at that city, a dooty I hev religusly performd fer over 30 yeres. Ther wuz but wun seet vakent in the car, and onto that I sot down. Presently a gentleman car- ryin uv a carpit-bag sot down beside me, and we to wunst commenst conversashen. After diseussin the crops, the wether, et settry, I askt wlicr he resided. "In Oberlin," sez he. "Oberlin!" shreekt I. "Oberlin ! wher Ablish- nism runs rampant — wher a iiiugor is 100 per cent, better ner a white man — wher a mulatto is 44 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. a objik iiv pitty on account uv hevin white blood. Oberlin ! that stonest the Dimekratik prophets, and woodent be gathered under Yallandygum's wings as a hen-hawk gathereth chickens, at no price! Oberlin, that gives all the profits uv her college to the support uv the underground rale- rode " — "But," sez he. "Oberlin," continyood I, "that reskoos niggers, and sets at defians the benifisent laws fer takin on em back to their kind and hevenly-minded masters ! Oberlin ! " — "Myjentle frend," sez he, "Oberlin don't do nuthin uv the kind. Yoo 've bin misinformd. Oberlin respex the laws, and hez now a body uv her o-alvcnt sons in the feeld a fiohtin to manetane the Constooshn." "A fightin to manetane the Constooshn," re- tortid I. "My frend," (and I spoke impressivly,) "no Oberlin man is a doin any sich thing. Ober- lin commenst this war. Oberlin wuz the prime cause uv all the trubble. What wuz the beginnin uv it? Our Suthrin brethrin wantid the territo- ries — Oberlin objectid. They wantid Kansas fer ther blessid instooshn — Oberlin agin objecks. They sent colonies with muskits and sich, to hold the terrytory — Oberlin sent 2 thowsand armed ANNIHILATES AN OBERLINITE. 45 with Bibles and Sharp's rifles — two instooslms Dimokrasy coocl never stand afore — and druv em out. They wantid Breckinridge fer President. Oberlin refused, and elektid Linkin. Then they seceded; and why is it that they still hold out?" He made no anser. *'Becoz," continyood I, transfixin him with my penetratin gaze, "Oberlin won't submit. We might 2-day hev ])ees>e ef Oberlin wood say to Linkin, ' Resine ! ' and to Geff Davis, ' Come up higher ! ' When I say Oberlin, understand it ez figgerative fer the entire Ablishn party, uv wich Oberlin is the fountin-hed. There's wher the trubble is. Our Suthern brethren wuz reason- able. So long ez the Dimokrasy controld things, and they got all they wanted, they wur peeceable. Oberlin ariz — the Dimokrasy wuz beet down, and they riz up agin it." Jest eggsactly 80-six yeres ago, akordin to Jayneses Almanac, a work wich I perooz annually with grate delite, the Amerykin eagle, (whose portrate any wun who possessis a 5-ccnt peece kin behold,) wuz born, the Goddis uv Liberty bein its muther, the Spirit uv Freedom its sire, Tomas Gefferson actin ez physician on the occasion. The proud bird growd ez tho it slept on guano — its left wing dipt into the Pasific, its rite into the 46 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Atlantic, its bcek tbrctcned Kanady, Avhile his majestik tale cast a shadder ore the Gulf. Sich wuz the eagle up to March, '61. What is his condishn now? His hod hangs, his tale droops, thcr 's no strength in his talons. Wat 's the trub- ble? Oberlin. He bed been fed on nigger fer yeres, and bed thrived on the diet. Oberlin got the keepin uv him — she withholds his nateral food; and onless Oberlin is whaled this fall, down goes the eagle. Peteoleum V. JNTasby. YIII. MAKES A CANDIDATE "UV HISSELP." To THE DiMOKRASY UV THE CoUNTY: 1 an- ounse myself ez a kandidate for ary 1 uv the offices to be fild this ortum, subgik, uv coarse, to the decishun uv the Convenshun. In makin this anounsement, I feel it due my Dimekratik brethrin that I stait the resens for takin this step. They run ez follows : 1st. I want an offis. 2d. I need a offis. 3d. A offis wood suit me; ther4, MAKES A CANDIDATE "UV HISSELF." 47 4tli. I sliood like to hev a offis. I maik no boasts uv what my spesliel clames air, but I hev dun the party sum servis. My fust vote I cast for that he okl Dimekrat, Androo Jaxn. For him I voted twict, and I hev also voted for every Dimekratik candidate sence. I hev fought and bled for the coz, hev voted ez oifen ez 3 times at 1 elekshin, and hev alluz wore mournin around my ize for 3 weeks after eech eleckshin. I hev alluz rallid 2 the poles erly in the mornin, and hev spent the entire day a bringin in the ajid and infirm, and in the patryotik biznis uv knockin down the opposition voters. Xo man hez drunk more whisky than I hev for the party — none hez dun it moar willingly. Twict, in goin thro cam- panes, hev I brot myself 2 the very verge uv de- lirium tremins, a drinkin the terrific elekshun whisky pervided by our candidates, but the coz demandid the sacrifis, and I made it ez cherefully ez tho my stumic hed been coi^per-lined, wich, un- fortunitly, it is not. Ez for my servises in this line, let my nose, wich hez trooly blossumd like the lobster, speek for itself. " Rum hez its triuniplis cz the water hath, And this is avuu uv them." [ Colashun from a pome.'\ 48 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. My politiklc prinsipples arc sound. I am op- posd 2 a nashnel bank, and am unmitigatedly in favor iiv free trade. I approved uv the last war with Grate Britten, and hev sence seen no reason 2 change my views on that subgik. On the war queshun my vows are ez follose : Bein a naytiv uv this Republic, and hevin livd under the Stars and Strypes, I am in favor uv manetanin the Guver- ment, and puttin down the rebelyun, and will ade the Guverment in doin it, in all constitooshnal ways. But, after a keerful readin uv my papers, I kin find no constitooshnal warrant for half what is bein dun. I am in favor uv a war for the Union ez it uzd to was, and the Constitooshn ez I 'd like to hev it ; but a war uv subgugashen — never I Hents, I am opposed to all this military biznis. Ef a cittyzen uv Virginny shoots a cittyzen uv Ohio, let him be arrested, taken before the nearest Gustis uv the Peese, and bound over to court. That 's the only way 2 do it. I regard confistika- shen as unconstitooshnel, and ez for emansipashen, words cant express my disgust at the bare ijee. Wat! is armis 2 march 4th, under the good old flag, for the purpus uv destroyin an institooshn guaranteed by the Constitooshn, and wich hez en- abled the grate Dimekratik party to controle the destinies uv this republic for morn thirty yeres? MAKES A CANDIDATE "UV HISSELF." 49 Ferbicl it, hevin ! The follcrin rcsoluslicns, wicli I drawd up, show percisely wat I bleeve : HesoJved, That we are now, eggsackly as we alluz hcv bin, the devoted friends uv the Union ez it used to be wen us uns, and our.brecthrin uv the Sowth, run the masheen, and we'd be thun- drin glad 2 see it restord agin. Besolved, That e^^ry dictate uv patertism re- qwires that, in the tuff fight we hev afore us, the good old Dimokrasy shood present a unbroken front; and therefore, ez differenses may arize amongst us, the General Committee shel, fruni time to tune, inform the county committis wat the peple is expectid 2 beleve, that we may talk alike in all parts uv the country. Besolved, That the Abolislm party, by ther de- nunsiashun uv President Davis, hcv shown that they hev no regard for our fcelins or hizn, and hev exhibited a bitterness toward our misgided Sutli- rin brethrin, that demonstraits their onfitness to hold eny plais wer they kin hev an opportunity to ingure them. Besolved, That the stait uv Massychusits is ornery and cussed. That the annymossity exib- ited by her men, in the lait fitos afore Rich- mond, towards our misgided Suthrin brethrin, is wat mite be cxpcktid frum a stait that hez 50 PETROLEUM V. XASBY. no Dimckrats, and wlicr eviy boddy redes and rites. Hesolved, That, while rebels shood be punnisht, we are opj)osed to confisticashun er emansipashun in eny shaip ; becoz : Istly. Taint constooshnal. 2dly. They'd be made more desj^riter, and moar uv em wood be killd, wich wood lessen Dime- kratik magoritis in them staits. 3dst. It wood hev a tendency 2 make em mad- der nor they air. On the absorbin question uv nigger I am sound. I am opposed to amalgamashun, and am in favor uv prohibittin any wench frum marryin any wun hevin a vizable admixter uv white blud. I am fer- ninst allowin niggers to kum into the J^orth, and am in favor uv expellin the thirty-2 milyuns now hear. To force em away, I wood maik it a penny- tenshiary offence 2 be shavd by a nigger, and wood regulate the price uv barberin by law, that white men mite be indoost to go into the biznis. Ez for other pints uv nashenel and stait policy, my paper dident cum last nite, and consequently I am some- what at a loss. In county matters I shel follow closely the foot- steps uv my predecessors. I shel be keerful uv the funds, and shel apply jest ez much ez possible MAKES A CANDIDATE "UV HISSELF." 51 to the grate work uv bildin up the Dimckratik party ; alliiz, uv coarse, reservin enuif to buy me a niodrit farm at the close uv my term. Wun thing I pledj myself 2 do ef I am clektid. The persekooshun uv that eminent finanseer, our de- faultin Trezerer, shel be stopt. Secli a trifle ez |2,800 is not enuff to disturb the peese uv the county. We sliood compermise with him — let him keep the munny, and let the people keep — still. Then things will go smooth. I aint 2^ertickeler ez to wat offis I hev. I am willin to serve ez Trezerer, Sheriff, Commishener, er Coryner — tho I cood do the party more good ez Trezerer than in any other posishen. Munny cozes the femail boss to percede. In konklushen, fellow Dimekrats, I hev 2 say, ef nominated, all rite; ef not, I shel abide by the result ez cherefull}^ ez my temper will allow, llespectively, Petroleum Y. Xasby. 52 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. IX. SHOWS WHY HE SHOULD NOT BE DRAFTED. August the Qth, 1862. I SEE in the papers last nite that the Gover- ment hez institootecl a draft, and that in a few weeks sum hunderds uv thousands uv peeceable citizens will be dragged to the tented feeld. I know not wat uthers may do, but ez for me, I cant go. Upon a rigid eggsaminashen uv my fizzlekle man, I find it wood be wus ner madnis for me 2 undertake a campane, to-wit: 1. I 'm bald-headid, and hev bin obliged to ware a wig these 22 years. 2. I hev dandruff in wat scanty hair still hangs around my venerable temples. 3. I hev a kronic katarr. 4. I hev lost, sence Stanton's order to draft, the use uv wun eye entirely, and hev kronic in- flammashen in the other. 5. My teeth is all unsound, my palit aint egg- sactly rite, and I hev hed bronkeetis 31 yeres last Joon. At present I hev a koff, the parox- isms uv wich is friteful 2 behold. 6. I'm holler chestid, am short-winded, and hev alluz hed panes in my back and side. SHOWS WHY HE SHOULD XOT BE DRAFTED. 53 7. I am afflictid with kronic diarrear and kos- tivniss. The money I hev paid for Jayneses karminnytiv balsam and pills wood astonish al- most enny body. 8. I am rupcherd in 9 places, and am entirely enveloped with trusses. 9. I hev verrykose vanes, hev a white-swell in on wun leg and a fever sore on the uther; also wun leg is shorter than tother, though I handle it so expert that noboddy never noticed it. 10. I hev korns and bunyons on both feet, wich wood prevent me from marchin. I dont suppose that my political opinions, wich are ferninst the prossekooshn uv this unconstoo- slinel war, wood hev any wate with a draftin ortiscr ; but the above reesons why I cant go, will, I maik no doubt, be suffishent. Petroleum Y. Nasby. 54 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. X. IN CANADA. Brest, Kaxada West, August the 20th, 1862. After more advenchers than wood fill a book, I am here in Kanada, safe under the protectin tail uv the British Lion, where no draftin orfiser kin molest nor make me afraid. Halleloogy ! I never sliood hev taken this step — or, ruther, the succeshun uv steps that brot me here — hed a good, sound, constooshnel doctor bin appinted Medical Eggsaminer; fer I hev twict cz menny diseases ez wood hev eggsemptid me, but I wuz afeerd the Eggsaminer woodent see em, ez he aint much uv a physician anyhow ; besides, he votes the Union tickit, and hez, uv coarse, preju- disis. The Commissioner is a bluddy Ablishnist; and, besides, I owe him a store bill wich hez stood about 8 years. I protest agin all sich ap- pintments. I left, in company with 5 other invalids, wun nite, a little after the "witchin hour uv 12 M.," ez Shakspeer hez it, and any wun beholdin our faces wood hev bin satisfide that sum " church-yard yawned" jest previously. We traveld all nite, " sustaned and soothed by an unfaltrin trust" in IN CANADA. OO a bottle wicli I, with my usual 4site, took along, together with 2 and 1-thircl yards uv bolony sassige, wicli I alluz use ez a thirst-provoker. We met no interrupshen till we got within 5 miles uv Toledo, (wieh we did by 5 P. M. uv the next day — wich, permit me to remark, wus good travelin fer sich debillytatid cusses,) when we wuz stopt by a pickit-gard uv the "Anti- draftin Invalid League," who remarkt : "Who goes there?" "A invalid," sez I. "A Peece invalid?" sez he. "Ther aint no other kind," sez I ; whereupon, sez he, " Yoor a man uv senee;" a fact uv wich I hed been long aware. I presentid my liqwid consiliater, when he informd me that Toledo wuz closely watcht, that escape by steemer was impossible, and that a small bote was our only chance. He took us to the lake shore, fur- nisht us a bote, and, jest as the golden sun w^uz a sinkin behind the golden horizon, I bid my nativ land adoo. I need not dwell upon the perils uv that ter- rible passage. Suffice it 2 say, that, fer invalids, we rowed well, and finally landed at the little village uv Brest, wher we now air. 200 Peece men are here, and I must acknowl- edge that we are not treeted with that distin- guished consideration usually accordid political 56 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. eggsiles. Per instance, at the tavern where I board, the parler is partikclcrly plesent, and I wuz a scttin into it. In trips a girl, purty enuif for a man whose taste wuz not vishiated 2 eat. "Shel I shet down this window, sir?" sez she. "Why shet it down, gentle maid?" retorts I, lookin sweet onto her, "Because," rejolide she, " I thot, perhaps, the draft was too much fer ye." A few slavish Kanajens, who set there, laft. The landlord required a month's pay in advance, and a further deposit uv 25 cents per eggsile, as sekoority fer the j^ewter spoons wich we hev at table. To cap the climacks, last nite a big nigger was put into eech uv our rooms, and we were forced to sleep with em, or okkepy the floor, wich I did. The cussid nigger laft all nite, in a manner trooly aggravatin to hear. Petroleum Y. Nasby. P. S. — Tell my wife to send sich money as she earns, to me, as livin is high, and ther aint no tick. The township kin support her and the childern. IS FINALLY DRAFTED. 57 XL IS FINALLY DRAFTED. Camp ut the TTSxn Ohio Kidnapt Melisot, Toledo, October the llth, 1862. lOT, ) 2. I I AM here, clad in the garb uv shiivry ! Nasby, clothed in a bobtailed bloo coat, a woolin shirt, and bloo pants, with a Oysteran muskit in his hands, a goin thro the exercise ! Good hevings ! wat a spectacle ! The draft was over, and I thot that wunst more I 'd visit my native land. Gaily I stept abord the bote that was to carry me from British shores — gaily I say, fer my money hed given out some weeks afore, and I hed earned a precarious sub- sistence a sawin wood in pardnership with a dis- gustin mulatto, and I lookt forward with joyful antisepashens to the time when I shood agcn em- brace Looizer Jane, (the pardner of my buzzum,) and keep my skin perpetooally full uv the elickser uv life, out uv her washin money. Joyfully I sprang oif the bote onto the wharf at Toledo, when a hevy hand was laid onto my shoulder. Twas a soljcr! The follorin conversashcn ensood: "Wat wantest thow, my gentle friend?" " I want yoo, my gay Kanajen." 4 58 PETROLEUM V. XASBY. "On wat grounds?" rctortid I. " On the ground uv eloodin uv the draft," sez he. "Yoor mistaken," sez I; "I'm a Ablishnist — • a emissary. I hev bin a spredin the bred uv life among the poor kulerd brethrin in Kanady, and am jest returnin to run thro another lot. Let me pass, I entreat thee, nor stay me in my good work." (This wuz strategy.) " Not much," sez he. "I know better. Yoor a butternut." "How knowst thou?" sez I. "Yoor nose," sez he. " That bucheus beekun lite wuz never got out uv spring water." "Yoor knowledge uv men and things is too much fer me. I confess, and surrender at discre- shun — do with me ez thou wilt." And he did. I wuz led out to camp, and wuz allowd to volunteer to fite against my convick- shens — against my brethren, who hev taken up arms in a rightous coz. So be it. Hentz4th the naim uv Nasby will shine in the list uv marters. Amid the dark, deep gloom that envellups me, wun ray uv light strikes me. I have seen the eleckshun returns, and w^en I seed em I yelled Hallelogy ! Me and another victim uv Linkin's tyranny, who is a Dimekrat, (he wuz a postmaster IS FINALLY DRAFTED. 69 under Bookannon, and wen removed by Linkin dident give up the balance uv money he had on hand, fearin twood be used to subvert our free instooshns,) hed a jubilee. We smuggled a bot- tle uv condenst ekstasy, and celebratid muchly. "The North's redeemed!" showtid I. "Let the eagle screme!" yelled he. "The Quakers hev votid!" showtid I. "Ablishnism dead!" screemed he. "Dimokrasy's triumphed!" laft I; and so on, until after midnite, when, completely eggsaustid, we sank into slumber, with a empty bottle atween us. Peteoleum V. Nasby. P. S. — Tell Looizer Jane that I may never see her again — that shood it be my fate 2 perish on the battle-feeld, amid the rore uv battle and the horrors uv missellaneous carnage, my last thot, ez life ebbs slowly away, shall be uv her; and ask her if she can't send me half or three-quarters uv the money she gits fer washin, ez whisky costs frite- fully here. P. V. N. 60 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. XII. DESERTS — HIS EXPERIENCE IN CLOTHES. Camp vy the Looisiana Pelicans, Nov. the 1st, 1862. I HEV deserted, and am now a soljer uv the Confederacy. Jest ez soon ez our regiment struck Suthrin sile, I made up my mind that my bond- age wuz drawin to a close — that I wood seeze the fust oppertoonity uv escapin to my nateral frends, the soljers uv the sunny South. Nite before last I run the gard, wuz shot at twice, (reseevin two buck-shot jest below the hind buttons uv my coat,) but by eggstrordinary luck I escaped. Had in- fantry bin sent after me I shood hev bin taken, for I am not a fast runner; but the commandent uv the post wuz new at the biznis, and innosently sent cavalry. Between the hossis they rode, and the stoppin to pick up them ez coodent stick onto ther fiyin steeds, I hed no difiiculty in outrun- nin em. At last I encounterd the pickits uv the Loois- iana Pelicans, and givin myself up ez a deserter from the hordes uv the tyrant Linkin, wuz to wunst taken afore the kernel. I must say, in this conneckshun, that I wuz surprised at the style uv uniform worn by the Pelicans. It consists uv a DESERTS — HIS EXPERIENCE IN CLOTHES. 61 hole in the sect iiv the pants, with the tale uv the shirt a wavin gracefully therefrom. The follerin colloquy ensood: "To what regiment did yoo belong?" "776th Ohio." "Volunteer or draftid?" "Draftid." "Yoor name?" "Nasby, Petroleum Y." I notist all this time the kernel wuz eyein my clothes wistfully. I had jest drawd em, and they wuz bran-new. Sez the kernel : "Mr. Nasby, I reseeve you gladly ez a recroot in the Grand Army uv Freedom. Ez yoo divest yoorself uv the clothes uv the tyrant, divest yer- self uv watever lingrin affecshuns yoo may hev fer the land uv yer nativity, and ez yoo array yer- self in the garb uv a Suthrin soljer, try to fill yer sole with that Suthrin feelin that anymates us all. Jones," sed he, addressin his orderly, "is Thompson dead yit?" " Not quite," sez the orderly. "Never mind," sez the kernel, "he cant git well uv that fever; strip off his uniform and give it to Nasby, and berry him." I judgd, frum the style uv the uniforms I saw on the men around me, that I wood rather keep 62 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. my own, but I sed nothin. When the orderly re- turned with the deceest Thompson's uniform, I groaned innardly. There wuz a pair uv pants with the seat entirely torn away, and wun leg gone below the knee, a shoe with the sole off, and the straw he had wrapped around the other foot, and a gray woolen shirt. Sez the kernel : "Don't be afeerd uv me, IN'asby. Put on yer uniform rite here." Reluctantly, I pulled off my new dubble-soled boots, and I wuz petrified to see the kernel kick off the slippers he wore, and joull em on. I pulld off my pants — ^he put em on, and so on with every article uv dress I possest, even to my warm over- kote and blankit. Sez the kernel: "These articles, Nasby, belongs to the Guv- ment, to which I shel akount fer them. Report yoorself to wunst to Captin Smith." Ez I passed out, the lootenant-kernel, majer, and ajitent pulled me to wun side, and askt me "ef I coodent git three more to desert." Wun glance at their habillyments showd why they wuz so anxious fer deserters. I candidly confess that Linkin takes better care uv his soljers than Davis does. The clothin I hev described. Instid uv reglar rashens, w^e are al- lowed to eat jest whatever we can steal uv the CAPTURES A TURKEY. 65 planters, and, ez mite be expectid, we hev bccum wonderfully expert at pervidin ; but, ez the Peli- cans hev bin campt here three months, the livin is gittin thin. Yet a man kin endoor almost any thing fer principle. Petroleum Y. Xasby. XIII. CAPTURES A TURKEY. Camp uv the Looisiana PELrcANS, "I November the 15th, 18G2. i Nasby still lives, tlio I must say its rayther tite nippin. The scrvis uv the Suthrin Con- fedracy wood be ez pleasant ez any military life cood be, were it not for three things, to-wit : 1. We hev nothin to eat. 2. Our clothes is designed more for ornament than use, consistin cheelly uv holes with rags around em — an appropriate summer costoom, but rayther airy for this season. 3. Our pay is irrcglar, and not jest ez good in quality ez cood be wished. Fer instance. Our regiment hazzent rcseevd a cent fer 8 months, and ther wuz much grum- blin, wich cum to the ears uv the kernel. 66 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. " The men murmur, do they ? " sed he to his ajitent. " Their complaints is just, and they shel be paid their just dooze. Is ther a printin offis in the town?" " Ther is," retorts the ajitent. " Go take possession uv it in the name uv the Confedrit States, and seeze whatever paper he may hev on hand. The faithful Pelicans must be paid." The next day every wun uv the men hed his haversack stuift with money, each wun takin ez much ez he judgd he cood use. It does very well, except that it gives the grocery-keepers much trouble, as they take it by weight — a ^1 bein wuth ez much ez a $20, ceptin that the ^20 is a trifle the largest, and weighs more. A incident. I wuz out on pikkit dooty, in the immejit visinnity uv a planter's barn, who hed bin suspectid uv Unionism. I saw a tur- key, capchered it, and indulged all the way into camp into the pleasant idee that, fer the fust time in 2 months, I wood hev a stumic-distendin dinner. Ez I entered camp I met the kernel, who, ez his eagle eye caught the proud bird I held, spoke, sayin : "Ha! a turkey! Wher gottist thow him?" "I capcherd him at Johnson's," reiDlied I. CAPTURES A TURKEY. 67 "Fat and young," mused he, feelin uv him; and then, lookin up, thus he did say : " My ven- erable patriot, (he allooded to my gray hairs,) this bird belonged to a Union man, and all sieh property taken by the army belongs, uv coarse, 2 the goverment. Yoo will 4thwith take it to my quarters." Not hevin eaten any thing for 18 hours, I determined to make wun effort for my turkey. Sez I: "Admittin the bird belongs to the gov- erment," sez I, " I may retane him, I suppose^ by payin his valyoo," and I tendered him a handful uv the money we hod reseevd that mornin. "Not so fast, my aged hero," sed he. "The goverment needs turkeys more than it does money. Money we kin make, but yoo must be aware that, without a material alterashen in our anatomikle structure, the makin uv a tur- key by us is a impossibility. Leave the prop- erty at my quarters." ***** That nitc I passed the kernel's quarters. Ther wuz a sound uv revelry within, and the odor uv a Thanksgivin dinner assaild my nos- trils. The next mornin I saw the kernel's dorg a cliawin the bones uv that goverment turkey. Petroleum V. Nasry. QS PETROLEUM V. NASBY. XIV. IMPROVES HIS FORTUNES BY MARRIAGE. Camp vv the Looisiana Pel: November the llth. Pelicans, ) k, 1862. I I am here, and mizrable! I am not less than 213 per cent, more mizrable nor I used to be! I consoomd 2 hours uv the Sutherin Confed- racy's time, and a 12-foot board, assertainin the eggsact increese uv misery wich I am engoyin, with the above result. Wen I wuz draftid I wuz not particularly dissatisfied. My posishen wuz becomin preca- rious. Looizer Jane (the wife uv my buzum) had cut off my supplies, and wuz a wasting the money she reseevd fer washin on bread and clothes fer the childern, and misunderstand- ins and coolnisses ensood. I whaled her in the afternoon, when she wuz tired, and she whaled me in the ^mornin, when she wuz fresh. Had I expendid the energy and strength consoomd in whalin Looizer Jane in choppin cord-word, I mite hev ownd a farm. I then tried the credit system, but the unanimity with wich the bar- keepers all remarkt that " that thing wuz played out," wuz trooly surprisin to the undersined. IMPEOVES HIS FORTUNES BY MARRIAGE. 69 Knowin that I cood at eny time desert to my Sutliern frends, I felt satisfied at bein draftid. Sence my enrollment in the ranks uv the Peli- cans, the romance uv the thing hez de2:>artid. IN'othin 2 eat, nothin to wear, no money, and hard work. This is our fix. The plump, rosy JS'asby is no more — anserin 2 his name is a lean indiviggooal, upon whose nose a bullet cood be split. I determined to better myself by marriage. The idee wuz sejestid by our second corpral, who interdoost me 2 a widder lady who lived jest out uv town — the owner uv 2 thousand akers. The akers inspired me, and I 2:)rest my soot with vigger and arder. In a week the thing wuz dun. I caught the regimental chap- lin sober enuff wun nite, and we wuz married. Fer a day I wuz a happy man. I contem- platid MY plantashen, and wept teers uv goy. Suddenly my happiness bustid. The sargent informed me that my wife — the future sharer uv my goys and sorrers — wuz a octoroon, one- 8tli NIGGER ! — that she wuz a slave left in charge by her mistress, and that the corpral did it jest fer a goak ! A purty goak to play upon a Dime- krat ! Nasby marryin a nigger ! My views hev changed on the slavery ques- 70 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. tion. Amalgamashen is the cuss uv slavery. The blacks hev bleached and bleached, until it is almost impossible to distinguish the slave from his owner. Wen the mix becomes wuss, wat then? Wen the slave is ez white ez his mas- ter, wat are yoo goin to do? Slavery, like a man with a tape-worm, hez within itself the ele- ments necessary to its destruction. Amalgama- shen is the tape-worm uv slavery. Petroleum V. Nasby. XV. CONVERSES WITH A SOUTHERN SOLDIER. Camp uv the Looisiana Pelicans, December the Wth, 186li :;ans, "I Vl. ] I HED a conversashen tother day with a fellow- defender uv the rites uv the South, wich ruther startled me. I wuz a holdin 4th, with my yoosual ability, on the blessidnis uv slavery, and wuz, uv coarse, quotin hevy frum skripter to defend my position. A member uv our company interruptid me by remarkin that nacher hed spiled a great rascal in me by not contribbitin a suffishent amount uv brains. He continued his remarks : "Nasby," says he, "I know slavry is a cuss — CONVERSES WITH A SOUTHERX SOLDIER. 71 a onmittygatid cuss. I lied 18 niggers, and they kept me as poor as a skim-milk cheese. The hogs eat the corn, the niggers eat the hogs, and I lived on what they left. To defend my property in these niggers, we seceshed and startid a new guv- ment. The new guvment took the corn, the hogs, the niggers, and finally took me. My oldest daw- ter run off with wun defender uv the flag, my wife with another, and my youngest childern is livin with sum ni:uverment to take. I 've had my share uv rites, I hev. Ef there 's any more comin to me, give em to some poor per- son as needs em. I 'm jest more 'n rollin in a perfooslm uv that kind uv wealth." "But," sez I " Ther aint no huts," sez he. " Yoo 're a North- ern man, and don't hev niggers. Don't defend nigger. Ef I hev the itch, I may sware that itch is a good thing ; but wat sense is ther in yoor swarin it, onasked and fer nothin. Sech stratejy borders closely on lunacy. Let us squeeze our own biles — don't yoo do it gratooitous. Appoly- gize fer your own sins — do n't shoulder ourn. 1 may be mean for my own profit, but to act dirty fer another man's use, and hev him kick ye for doin it, is a lick ahead uv my comprehenshun. Durn all sech men." 72 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. And he stawkt indignantly away. I hev reseevd more letters from frends in my vvunst liappy but now distractid home than I kin anser separately. I shel do it all to wunst, thus : John M. — Shoemakin wood be a splendid biz- nis here, only ther aint no leather. Practice haif- solin with straw before yoo start. W. Gr. — The pay uv a member uv the Missis- sippi Legislator is $6 per diem, evry day, paid in Confedrit 30 per cent, bonds, redeemable at the pleasure uv the guverment any time within two centuries. Come along. Almost any body kin git offis in this state. P. N. — Ther is a good openin fer a watchmaker here. I am the only mechanic in this section uv Mississippy. I fixt the kernel's watch yisterday; forged a mane-spring out uv a baynet, and for a chane used a fiddle-string. It don't jest keep time, but, ez it ticks, it ansers to bet on poker. Fetch sum lard ile ; tar won't work on watches, even in this warm climate. Amos. — The success uv our guverment is shoor. Finances hez trubbled us, but our Sekretary uv the Treasury hez bought 2 fast printin-presses, and a lot uv paper on tick, and we now git all we want. Petroleum V. Nasby. AT HOME. 73 XVI. AT HOME. "Wingert's Corners, February (he 21(h, 1863. A MAN who duz things frum principple kin stand a good deal. I kin. Sustaned and soothed by an iinfaltrin trust in the rychusnis uv the Suthrin coz, I stuck to my beluvd rejyment, tlie Loozeaner Pelikins, with a tenassity wich I did not drcme I possest. But ther is a pint beyond wich human nacher can not go, I endoord hun- ger and cold — I saw the rags drop off my mus- kclcr limbs, wun by wun — I murmered not. But, wen the pantaloons wuz awl gone, wen my costoom wuz a blanket and wun shoe, I applide fer new pants, and the quarter-master onfeelinly remarkt that my dress wuz all rite — that hereafter my cos- toom wuz to be adoptid ez the uniform uv the rejyment — I felt that desershun wuz no longer a crime, and I deserted. It is entirely onnessary to rekount awl I endoored in makin my eskaip. Suffice it to say, that at Columbus I stript the klose off uv an innebryatid solger, and maid my way to Amandy Township. ]\ly ohl Dimckratik friends did not kno me, and ez I expected to borry «3 74 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. money uv them, I deemed it best not to make my- self known. They were suspishus uv my bloo kote at fust, until wun uv them remarkt how I likd the serviss ? To wich I anserd, " Dam the serviss ! " "Don't admire fitin fer the nigger, eh?" "Not any," sez I. "Why not desert?" sez he. "I hev deserted," sez I. In a instant the aspeck uv things wuz changd. A jug wuz prodoost, and they awd shook hands. Wun, more richer nor the rest, handed me a treas- ury note uv $10, sayin, "You may need it." I replide that, as a general thing, I wood hev nothin to do with any paper that bore the bab- boon likeness uv the usurper and tyrent Linkin; but, under the sirkumstances, I wood endoor it until I cood get it changd into Injeany munny. They took up a kollekshun to wunst, fer my ben- efit, which amounted to $43. Jest at this pint wun uv em asked me to what rejyment I belonged. I replide, "The Loozeaner Pelikins." "Loozeaner!" sed another, "why, that's a Con- fedracy rejyment, aint it?" "To be sure," sez I. AT HOME. 75 "And air yoo a deserter from a Sutlirin rejy- ment?" sez the benevolent old butternut who hed invested $10 in the deserter biznis. "Sartin," sez I. Seezin me by the throte, he ejackelated, "Give me ni}' money, you swindler ! " And with a unan- imity trooly surprisin, they awl yelled, "Give me my money, you swindler — you got it under false pretences." Hevin the munny safe in my i:)okkit, I took these compliments with ekanimity, sidlin out and gettin away ez soon ez possible, I am disappointed in Amandy. Frum wat I hed heard, I hed supposed they were kind to de- serters. I found that it makes much diiferense wicli side you desert from. Petroleum Y. IS'asby. 76 PETROLEUM V. NASBT. XVII. ASSISTS DRAFT RESISTERS. In the Hands uv Lixkin Hieelin ] HosKiNviLL, March 26, 1863. J I AM in durance vile. Wimst more the tree uv liberty is uprooted in my person ; wunst more hev the unrighteous tools uv the monster Linkin seized my venerable form and incarceratid it in a bas- teel. So many times hev I bin imi^risoned fer opinion's sake, that, ef I kin get a pardner with capital, I shel go into the marterin biznis. But 2 my narrashen. When the news reechd me uv the bold stand made by the heroes uv Hoskinvill in opposition to the draft, I determined to throw my- self "in2 the deadly and imminent breech," ez W. Shakspeer hez it. I made my way to Hos- kinville, wuz reseeved with the wildest enthoosi- asm by the patriots ther assembled, and wuz to wunst placed in command uv the forces. It wuz a prowd day fer Nasby! Before me stood, leaned, and laid, (akordin ez they hed emptied their can- teens, wich wuz all filled with new fitin whisky,) two hundred uv the brave sons uv Hoskinvill, from the rich, hory-headed farmer, (uv whom I ASSISTS DRAFT RESISTERS. 77 promptly borrerd 80 odd dollars,) to the gay and sportive yooth uv 16, all consoomd with oncpiench- able arder. I drilled sech uv them ez were suffi- shently sober to keep their feet, nigh onto two days, amoozin ourselves, into the intervals, with passin resolooshens dcnouncin Linkin, and pledgin ourselves to resist even un2 death. At last our scouts brot us intelligence that two companies uv bloo-coated hirelins wuz within 9 miles uv us, ap2:)roachin at the rate uv wun and a half miles per hour. "Ila!" shoutid I, "the foe! they comest! Now, men uv Hoskinville and visin- nity, show yourselves men!" Accordinly another meetin was immejitly organizd, chairman and sekretary appointid, and a resolution passed, pledgin the meetin to resist even un2 death, the proseedins to be published in all the Dimekratik papers. We adjourned, and I wuz about drawin on em up in line uv battle, and wuz instructin uv cm to hold the muzzle uv the gun from instid uv toward theirselves when they tired, and wuz ex- plainin to others the nesessity uv puttin the \hj\v- der down the barrel before the ball, and niakin sech other arrangements ez a wise and prudent commander, determined to conker or die, woukl, when suthin like a dozen uv em ejakilates : "Gineral!" 78 PETROLEUM V. XASBY. Drawin myself up to my full liite, I anserd, "Wat!" "Gineral," sez wun uv the oldest, "we are not advantajesly postid. Wood it not be better on the hill," sed he, pintin to a high eminence jest east uv the town. I perseeved at a glance the strategik importance uv the position, as the enemy wuz approachin from the west, and I ordered the men to deploy by squadrons, in open right file 23latoons, and okepy the summit. ^N'ever wuz a order obeyed with greater alacrity. I hev a repu- tashen fer speed — I kin rival the courser and out- strip the jentle gazelle, but they shot past me like a arrow. Their enthoosiasm carried em to the top uv the hill, and how much further I hev no menes uv knowin, ez w^hen I reached the top uv the hill not wun uv the resistors wuz in site. I wuz arrested that nite. In vain I protested that I wuz a Methodist preacher sellin fruit-trees, My nose, wich blossoms ez the lobster, and a copy of the Xoo York Daj^-Book I hed in my pocket, wuz aginst me, and I wuz to wunst confined. My feelins is hurt. Peteoleum y. IS'asby. STRATEGISES. 79 XVIII. STRATEGISES. Wingert's Corxers, May the I5th, 1863. DiMOKRASY liczn't ez many hobbies now ez it used to hev, and it is somewhat difficult to keep the people strung up the proper pitch. Nigger is all the capital we hev left, and its rayther tough work to keep the old machine runnin. In Union and Orange their blood dident bile when I told em that 40,000 niggers wuz on their way to that section — nary bile. So I hed recourse to strategy. Last Friday nite I prokoored some lamp-black and lard-ile, and applyin it to my classic counte- nance, and my laber-staned hands, transformd myself into a villainous contraband. Then I pro- ceeded after night to the south end uv the town- ship, and at daylight commenst goin north, Tlie skeem workt beautiful. At every house the fol- lerin conversashcn wood ensoo : "Hello, Cuff, wher you from?" "Tennisce, massa." "Wher you goin?" "I'se gwine to stop sum'ers 'bout heah." "Who sent you ]S"orth?" 80 PETROLEUX V. XASBY. "Kurnel Niblin, and de Ablisliners ob de 21st." "Dam Niblin, and yoo too. Git!" Wich I alluz did. Then goin back I'd take another road, stealin sich trifles ez shirts and stockins, and usin sich other means uv arousin om' people 2 a realizin sense uv the cuss uv a fioatin nigger popuhxshen ez sejested themselves to my mind. It became a serious thing though, for on the fourth day so many hed seen me, that they reely sposd the nigger invashen had com- menst, and they hunted me. I run a mile, and findin they were gainin on me, darted into the woods, washed, and come out ez the original T^asby. Lord! what an enthoosiastic meetin we had that night. Their faith in the nigger invasion hed bin shaky, but it was now firm. They had seen em. Wun had seen 38 that day, uv wich number he wuz proud to say he had killed 5. I larfed innardly, but held my peece, Desepshen is justifiable now and then. I kin do it. I only borrered $4: in Union. Petroleum Y. JS'asbt. ADDRESSES THE SOLDIERS. 81 XIX. ADDRESSES THE SOLDIERS. At a meetin uv the manejers uv the ginoowine Dimokrasy, consistin uv the illustrious Yallandi- gum and myself, it was resolved to ishoo a ad- dress to the soljers uv the Cumberland. Yallan- digum, hevin failed in the habus corpus biznis, is cmployin his spare time in amusin of hisself in Fort Warin, wich is near Boston. The dooty, tliere4, devolves upon me. Soljers: Ez individooels hevin votes, I esteem you; ez invaders of Dimekratik states, ez men en- gaged in the slawtrin uv Dimekrats by the 1000, cz bloo-koted tools uv a Abolishn despotism, I can nut smile on you approvinly. Sum uv you wuz Dimekrats, who, without con- templatin the konsekences to the party, volun- teerd. Fay tie error! incomprehensible stoopidity! And I regret 2 lern that, notwithstandin we hev told you over and over that it is a Abolijshn war, you lafF at our solium warnins, and menny uv yuu hev turnd Abolishnists yureselves. We warned yoo uv the evils that wood nater- ally foUer Abolishn victoris. To show you that we 82 PETROLEUM V. XASBY. proifeside correctly, I call jure attenshun to the follerin strictly Dimekratik fact. Since the com- menseinent uv the war the addishii uv niggers to JNTorthern Ohio hez bin ez folloze : Hankok, 28,000 Wood, 84,000 Lorane, (wich is near Oberlin,) - - 103,000 [All UV wich is studyin fer the ministry, drawin cavelry captin's pay and rashens, till they gradooS, inclooding 2 white servants, each.] Sineky, 93,000 And so on, ad infinytum. These niggers are workin in sitooashens you wunst okepied. The tailor shops, blacksmith shops, shoe shops, and stores is all filld with these noosencis, fresh from Suthrin plantashens. So yoo see that while they hev seezed upon yure labor, you air taxt by a nigger-luvin government to support them in idle- nis. But there is moar fax: Number uv soljer's ■wives vho died uv starvashen in Hankok County last week, - - 1,253 Besides 1 small wooman they did not count. And all this time (my blud biles wen I think uv it) the entire nigger popelashen is bein fed on briled sirline stake stutft with oysters. 238 white ADDRESSES THE SOLDIERS. 83 men licv marrid black femails, within 2 weeks, also 803 white wimmin to _ black men, all in the corporashen uv Wingert's Corners, the guverment payin license, preecher's fee, and the bridle outfit, incloodin furnytoor to start em howskeepin. It is useless to multiply instances. You arc ecksposin yure lives and helth, just 2 set free a army uv shiftlis niggers, who wont work, and who, b}^ takin yure plasis on the farms and in the work- shops, will prevent you from earnin a lionist Yivm wen yoo git back. Soljers, remember these things wen yoo vote this fall. Under Dimekratik rule, wen the Sowth roold us percisely as they wantid 2, awl wuz peese. We kin hev it agin on the saim terms, with per- haps the payin uv the expensis they have incurred in manetanin uv ther rites, payin penshuns 2 the widders uv them yoo hev wikkidly slane, et set- tery. Soljers ! you kin emansipate yureselves. Shoot yure orfisers, throw down yure arms, and cniii home. The old party is in danger, and without you it'll go to rooin a canterin. Shel any feelin uv pride in yure country deter you frum comin wen yure party is in peril? I can not believe it. Petroleum V ^Niasby. 84 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. XX. ORGANIZES A DEMOCRATIC CHURCH. Wixgert's Corners, June the &th, 1863. NuTHix hez dun so much agin the Dimokrasy ez churches, skool-houses, Sundy-skools, preachers, and sich. Here, our people hev awoken to the dangerous tendencies uv sich instooshns, and hev set about viggerously to suppress em. Ez this work is wat my hart delites in, I organized the pious portion uv the Dimokrasy, that we mite do our Avork well and thorough. When my jigantic intellek hez a chance, the work is shoor to be well done, and I hev the satisfac- tion uv announcin the comj^lete destruction uv two churches, the drivin off uv 5 preachers, and the frio-htnin uv manv wimin. But my mission is not alone to tear down — I bild up. The ijee segestid itself to my fertile mind, that a strikly Dimekratik Church and Sundy-skool wood not only help the cause, but afford me an easy livin. It wuz dun, and I am reglarly installed ez the paster uv the First Dimekratik Church uv Ohio. OKGAXIZES A DEMOCRATIC CHURCH. 85 The follcrin is the order uv exercises : 1. People assemble at the second tootiii uv the horn. 2. Readin uv one uv the foUerin passages uv Skripter: 9th chapter uv Jennysis, wich relates the cussin uv Canaan, provin that nip-gers is Skriptoorally slaves ; and the chapters about Ilay- ger and Onesimus, wich proves the Fugitive-slave Law to be skriptooral. (The rest uv the Bible we consider figgerative, and pay no attenshun to it watever.) 3. Singin — " 0, we '11 hang Abe Linkin on a sour apple-tree," or some other improvin ode, hcvin a good moral. 4. Readin extrax from the Noo York Argus. 5. Singin — "0, John Brown's body hangs a danglin in the air." 6. Reading from the Day-Book. 7. Lecture on watever phase uv the nigger question may seem appropriate. AVe liev also orfj-anized a Sundv-skool on a pure basis. I spent much time in getliu up a katekizm, uv wich the follcrin is a sample : Q. Wat is the cheef end uv man? A. To whale niggers and vote the Dimckratik tdvkit forever. Q. Wat do the Skripters teach? 8G PETROLEUM V. NASBY. A. That a angel sent Ilayger back to her mis- tress ; that Paul sent Onesimus back ; and " Serv- ance obey yiire masters." Q. Who wuz Onesimus and Hayger ? A. Onesimus wuz a mulatter, and Ilayger a octoroon. Q. Wat is sin? A. Skratchin a ticket. Q. Who compose the Dimekratik trinity? A. Yallandigum, Brite, and Fern andy wood. Q. Wat is the first duty uv man ? A. To beware uv Ablishn lies ; to rally to the poles ; to vote early ; and to bring in the agid, the infirm, and the ideotik. To stimoolate the infant mind I hev institootid a system uv rewards, ez follows : For commitin 2 verses uv Yallandigum's ad- dress, 1 beer check, good at the Corners ; 5 verses, 2 checks ; 12 verses, 4 checks ; and to the child hevin the most verses, a copper-mounted butter- nut pin. We hed a festival yesterday. The tables wuz bounteously spred with bolony, liver-worst, and crackers, wile a barl uv native whisky furnisht the flooids nessary. It wuz a tetchin site to see the mothers, wdth maternal solissitood, a niixin nacher's great restorer with water and sorgum GOES OX WITH HIS CHURCH. 87 surup, to adapt it to the infantile stuniick. Fcr my part, I alluz take mine strait. I bleeve good will be accomj^lisht. Last week, in makin a pastoral visit, jest about noon, to the house uv wun uv my flock, who liez fine })ouItry, I wuz amoosed at licarin a mcer infant, only three years uv old, swinging his little hat, and cry, " Hooraw for Jeff Davis." It wuz tetchin. Pattin the little patriot on the head, I instantly borrowd five cents uv his father to present to him. Petroleum Y. Xasby. XXI. GOES ON WITH HIS CHURCH. CiuRcii OF St. VALLANDiGOf, June the KM, 1863. We hed a blessid and improvin time yisterday. My little flock staggered in at the usual hour in the mornin, every man in a heavenly frame uv mind, hevin bin ingagcd all nito in a woi-k uv mercy, to-wit: a mobbin uv 2 enrollin officers. One uv em resisted, and they smote him hip and thigh, even ez Boliash smote Jaheel. (Skriptoo- ral, wich is nessary, bein in the ministry.) He wuz left for dead. 88 PETROLEUM Y. NASBY. We opened servis by siiigin a liym, wich I writ, commenciii ez follows: " SLel niggers black this land possess, And mix with us up here ? no, my frends, we rayther guess We '11 never stand that 'ere. I then held forth from this text: "Whar hev ye laid him? " I statid that the person I referred to wuz the marterd Vallandigum, and I, in be- haff uv a outraged Dimokrasy, demanded uv the tyrant Linkin, "Wher hev yoo laid him?" A imconYertid individooal sed, "He's laid him out!" wich remark cost him a broken head. I went on to show why our saint hed bin martered. It wuz becoz he wuz a Dimekrat — becoz he dared to ex- ercise the rites guaranteed to every American, exceptin Ablishnists and niggers, uv aboosin the guverment. Fer this, and nuthin else, wuz he eggsiled. "My frends," sez I, drawin myself up to my full hite, and lookin as much like Fernan- dywood ez possible, " I am willin to be marterd. I denounce this war as unholy, unconstooshnel, unrighteous, and unmitt^^gated. It is nuthin less than a invashen uv Dimekratik states, for the sole l^urpus uv freein niggers. Linkin is a tyrant, Burnside a tool. Order 38 a rclik uv barberism. GOES ON AVITH HIS CHURCH. 89 and I will resist the enrollment, the conskripshen, and the tax. Hooray for Geff Davis." Our class-meetin wuz more interestiner than ever. One old, white-headed brother sed that at times his way was dark, and his pathway gloomy. Wunst he wuz very near becomin a infidle. He reely believed at one time that the nigger was human, and wunst he voted for a Republican road supervisor. But he hed repented, and was, he trusted, forgiven. His mind wuz now easy, and he should vote the whole Dimekratik tickit. Two backsliders, who scratched their tickits last fall, confest their sin, publicly. I exhorted em two hours, fined em a gallon uv whisky apeece, and took em into full communion. The whisky will be devotid to the missionary service, wich is me. This is a deliteful feeld uv labor. At the Cor- ners they give me sech flooids ez I need at all the doggeries but one, and at that one the}- trust me, wich amounts to the same thing. I hev hor- rid uv my flock over 60 dollars already. It is a rich feeld, and wun wich will endoor much workin. My nose is deepnin in color every hour. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 6 90 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. XXII. " CAPCHERD." In a Linkin Basteel, Columbus, June the 20th, 1863. Agen I am in durence vile. Agen I am in the hands uv Linkin's hirelin minyuns, and my Church is without a paster. The sheperd is smit- ten and the sheep may be scattered. Were it not for two barls uv whisky that we hed in the church, I dout wether the organnyzashen wood continner. My prayer is that the cohesive flooid may hold out till I return. My capcher wuz ez follose: "Wen the Dimekrats, the peece men of Homes County, declared war, I threw off the sacerdotle robes and tuk up the sword. Arrivin at Millers- berg, I jined the peece forces to onct. Ability is alluz recognizd, and I wuz immejitly made com- mander-in-cheef uv the forsis. A full uniform uv butiful butternut cloth, and a copperheded sword wuz presented me. I immejitly commenst drillin the men, and in 2 days hed them perfishent in compny and battalyun drill. We fortyfide, buildin gabeyuns, faseens, and eliptiks, and neglectid no precaushen to make victry sure. Fifteen hundred strong, we pledgd "CAPCHERD." 91 ourselves to hist the black flag, and never sur- render. Finally the enemy hove in site. Ez they cum up, our men trembled with anxiety to meet em. Sum too hunderd askt permishen to withdraw frum the fortyfications, make a detoor over the hill, and flank em, wich request, bein unwillin to restranc their arder, I ackseded to. Sum 500 jined em, and I spoze are detoorin yit, ez I hev never seen em since. This movement wuz fatle, ez all went who were sober enuff 2 walk. Jest afterwards cum the catastrofy. Ten uv the very men who lied bin foremost in advisin resistence, cum up with the Fedrals, and advised a surren- der! Hopin to gane time, I askt too hours to consider. Unfortnit error ! Before the too hours wuz up, haff the men wuz sober, and, instid uv histin the black flag, they capitoolatid, delivrin up the ringleeders. I wuz taken ez a hed ringleeder, and wuz ironed and taken to Columbus, wher I now am. In hopes uv keepin my flock 2getlier, I writ em a epistle, as follows : To the Fatheful at Wingcrfs Corners, greetin: T rite you in bonds. I beseech you, deerly be- luvedj to be stcdfast in yure faith, holdin on to 92 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. * sech truth ez I left you. Be viggelent in good works, patient in chasin enrollin ofiSsers, and quick in tarrin and feathrin on em. For tho, I am not with you, the tar-barl and what's left uv the feathers is in my study, jest behint the whisky barls. Be temprit. Ten er 20 nips per day is enuff fer eny man in helth ; if weakly, the num- ber may be indefinitly increest. I am alluz in bad helth. Bewair uv false teechers. Let no Triboons pizen yer minds — stick close to the Cry- sis. Keep up yure Sundy exercises ; ef yoo hev wun among you that kin rede, let him next Sundy eddify yoo with Pooh's speech. Neglect not the Sundy-skool. That proper interest may be kept up in the minds uv the childern, I wood sejest that Sundy afternoons you ketch a preecher and hev the darlins rotten-egg him. "Jest ez the twig is bent," et settry. Be ennerjetik in tearin down meetin-houses, fer they are injoorin us. In conclooshen, deerly beluved, remember me. Send me a eucher deck, a too-gallon jug uv corn joose ; also, the weekly collekshun. Ef I survive I will with be you agen. In faith, yures. Ef they send wat I want, I shell be comfortable hear. In chains, but unsubdood, Petroleum V. [N'asby. STARTS A PAPER. 93 xxm. STARTS A PAPER. Church uv St. VALLAKDiouJf, June the ZOth, 18G3. I AM back in the midst uv my flock. I coodent be a marter. The Fedral orfisers dismist me with the insultin remark that I wuz 2 smal pertaters to notis. Hevin time on my hands, and feelin that I 'm livin in vane onless I am doin suthin for the grate coz, I hev determined to ishoo a paper, devoted to disseminatin my vews. I ishood my prospectusses to-day, uv which the follerin is wun •. TO THE PURE DIMOKRASt! Prospectus uv the ^^ Marter and Tirent Besister !^^ Orgust 1st, the undersined will ishoo the fust number uv a paper bearin the above title, devoted to the interests uv the pure Dimokrasy. To in- shoor the fatheful just sech a paper ez they need, the follerin able writers hev bin ingayjed, regard- less uv expence: On arbitrary arrests — Petroleum V. ^asby. On habis corpuss — P. V. Nasby. On nigger — P. Volcano Nasby. On vilashens uv Constooshnal rites — Mr. Nasby. 94 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. This brilyiint gcallacksy uv intcUeck, under the edytoral control uv Petroleum V. Nasby, The "Marter and Tirent Resister " will support Vallandigum, and while givin the guverment a harty support in puttin down the rebelyun, will uv coarse oppose — Coercin the secedid staits ; Invadin the secedid staits; Raisin armies by volunteerin ; Raisin armies by draft er conscripshen* Raisin meens by tax or tariff ; Arrestin uv men for symj)athisin with the Southern Dimokrasy; Arrestin uv eny body for any thing ; The usin uv niggers ez soljers ; The usin uv white men ez soljers; Evry thing the Administrashen hez dun, is doin, er may hereafter do. It will viggerously advokate — The Constitooshn ez it is ; Doin away uv the Constitooshn ; The Union ez it wuz; The plan for dividin the Union in2 4 parts; The elekshen uv troo Dimekrats to good payin offises ; The enforsement uv the laws; The resistin uv conskripshen and enrolin offisers; STARTS A PAPEE. 95 Morality and good order; The mobbin uv Metliodis, Presbyterin, Luthrin, Brethrin, and uthcr hetrodox churches. I appele confidently too the Dimokrasy for sup- port. The actooal, ginooine principles uv Dimok- rasy need a able defender, and I 'm the identicle individooal. My hole sole is in the coz, and I am pecooliarly fitted by eddicashen and tastes for the posishcn. I blccYC the spcckelashen will pay hevy. My Church welkomed me back with a corjality trooly affectin. They held a festivle on my return, to wicli the Sundy-skool skolars wuz present. I un- bended myself, and kist em onct apeece, takin a nip of corn essense atween times, wich wuz nessary. Mistakin a mother for her infant, the infooriated husband assaulted me. I wuz reskood afore much damij wuz dun. A speshl church meetin will be held too consider his case. Peteoleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 96 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. XXIV. PREACHES AND MAKES A SUDDEN SHIFT. Church uv St. Vallandigum, July the 7th, 1863. I PREACHED last Sunday from the text, " Break every yoke and let the opprest go free." I went on to show that this text had no reference watever to niggers. Niggers wuz ordained 2 be bondmen, from the very day N^oah took a overdose uv the great happyfier, and oust Canaan. But the text, like the Deklarashen uv Independense and the ever-blessid Constitooshn, wuz made solely for white men. It hed undoubted reference to the payin uv debts. Wat heavier yoke is ther than notes? and who is more opprest than he who pays ten per cent. ? " Burn yer notes, and let yer debtors go free," wood be a more correcter readin uv the passage. In our biznis meetin in the afternoon, the ques- tion uv the draft wuz considered. It was plain that the enrolement cood not be prevented. The enrol in orfisers hed managed to do it, and it wuz a sertinty that every name atwixt 18 and 45 wuz down. And we were also satisfied that the draft cood be enforst, and there4 it behooves us to PREACHES AND MAKES A SUDDEN SHIFT. 97 make it ez light cz j^ossible, more espeshly ez when wiin uv us is draftid, he will hev 2 to go, not hevin the nessary 300 dollars. It is here ez it is in all excloosivly Dimekratik communities — the grocery keepers absorb all the capital. The follerin resolutions were past: Wareas, Our nashen is involved in a horri- ble, fratrisidle war, the same bein unholy, and waged solely 2 free the nigger and enslaiv the white man, wich is therefore our duty to oppose the same; therefore, be it JResolvd, That we arc in favor uv raisin our quota by volunteerin, and hereby urge the same. Resolvd, That we consider the employment uv niggers, ez soljers, ez not only justifiable, but highly commendable. Besolvd, That a committee be appinted to se- koor the settlement uv 2 hundred families uv nig- gers in this township, excloosivly for volunteerin purposes. The resolooshens wuz j^ast, and the committees appointed. The very next day we heerd uv Vicksburg and Gettysburg. I to wunst blew the horn and got my flock together, told cm the news, and offerd the following resolooshens: Wareas, Our beloved country is involved in a bloody war aginst rebels and traitors 98 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. (A old man interrupted me, sayin, "W-h-a-t?" Payin no attenshen, I proceeded.) And in sich a crisis the dooty uv every troo citizen is to sustain the guverment; therefore, be it Besolvd, That the Dimokrasy are, ez theyalluz hev bin, in favor uv a viggerus prossekooshen uv the war. Besolvd, That our confidence in the great Val- landigum is unabated ; and, bleevin him to be the only actooal war man in Ohio, shel give him our harty suj^port. Besolvd, That the reports uv troubles in Ohio and Ingeany is lies, got up to deseeve the people. The resolooshens wuz past, tho I had to tell em twice to vote for em. We immejitly hunted up 2 enrollin orfisers, who we tarred and feathered sum weeks ago, jest after Hooker wuz defeated by Lee at Chanslerville, when we spozd our Suthern brethrin wood triumph, and giv em a j^ublic din- ner. Ef all the leaders of the Dimokrasy were ez sagashus ez me, the old party wood hev smooth sailin. Alas ! how few hev the gigantik intellek uv Nasby ! I hev written to my frends, advisin em to shift ez soon ez possible. Petroleum Y. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. OBSERVES A DAY OF FASTING. 99 XXV. OBSERVES A DAY OF FASTING. CncRCH vv St. Vallandigum, July the 20th, 1863. YiSTERDY wuz Set apart by my congregashen ez a day uv fastin and humiliashen for our niis- forchunes at Gettizberg, and the loss uv Port Hudson and Yixburg. I isliood the follerin di- rexshens for the proper observance uv the fast, to-wit: 1. Nip before breckfust not 2 eckseed two jills. 2. For breckfust no animil food permitted, ceptin ham and eggs, beef, etz. 3. For dinner, ditto; supper same ez on uther daze. 4. Beer 2 be taken by the single glass, and pretzels to be eaten without salt on em. 5. These rules to be void in the case uv peepil over 35 and invalids, who may hev thcr sustainin flooids ez usual. I prcccht frum this text, "0, mi sole, why art thow cast down?" I told em we wuz cast down becoz uv Meed's whippin Lee; becoz uv Grant's takin Yixburg, and Banks's takin Port Hudson. That's what's the matter with us. That's what 100 TETROLEUM V. NASBY. liez cast a shadder over owr countnansis, and cliangd the hue uv our nozes from the brilyunt crimsun to the gastly bloo ! The flattrin hopes uv a successful invashen uv the North is dasht — likewise the releef uv Vixburg, and now, to fill our cup uv sorrer, Jon Morgan's command is de- stroyd. But still, my frends, ther is a silver linin 2 evry clowd — wich is poetry. There is wun ray uv hope amid all this gloom. I allood 2 the late constooshnal demonstrashens in 'Noo York. Ther wuz a victory. The draft-books wuz destroyed and the draft wuz stopped. But ther wuz a big- ger triumph than stoppin the draft. Niggers wuz killd — the prowd Anglo-Saxn riz in his mite and stoned the niggers ! Halleloojy ! At this pint sum uv the awjence becum sleej)y, and to arowse them I becum faseshus. Why, sez I, wuz the Dimokrasy, who mauld the niggers in Noo York, a most ennerjetic and perse verin people ? Becoz, anserd I, they left no stone unturned 2 effect their purpus. The ijee uv interdoosin conundrums in2 the pullpit is orijenel with me. I closed by ex- hortin uv em too stand firm. Ef we kin elect Yallandigum, we may yet check the Fedral guv- ment in its victorus carere. With Ohio all rite for constooshnal rites, the game uv subjoogashen wood be playd out. Let us, sed I, never falter OBSERVES A DAY OF FASTING. 101 nor faint, but press onnard 2 the mark iiv oui high callin. Ez the Isrelites threw down the walls uv Gerryko by blowin rams' horns, so kin we by blowin our horns throw down the walls of this Abolishn Gerr^^ko. Blow your horns, my brethrin; for whoso bloweth not his own horn, the same shall not be blown, but whoso bloweth his own horn, the same shall be blown with a muchness. We took a numerashen uv owr Church with a vew to the draft, with the follerin result: Hole number uv male members, - - _ 200 Over 45, .50 Under 18, 50 Badly rupcberd, and utherwise diseasd, - 92 Gone to Canady 2 visit ther uncles, - - 8 Total . - - - - 200 We are easy in our minds on this subjic. Petroleum Y. Nasby, Paster uv sed Churchy in charge. 102 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. XXVI. VISITS YALLANDIGHAM. Church tjt St. Vallandigum, July the 21th, 1863. I HEV jest returned from a visit to our per- sekootid saint, Yallandigum. The marter wuz holdin a resepshun at the Clifton House wen I arrove. He caught site uv me ez soon ez I en- tered the room, and he rusht in2 my arms, and droopin his head on2 my heavin buzm, weept aloud : "Marterd saint!" sez I, with a voice tremulous with emoshen. "Sufferer fer truth!" sez he; and then this trooly grate man whispered, "Jest keep in this posishn a minnit — the artist uv the Noo York Illustratid Flapdoodle is makin a sketch uv us;" wich we did, standin locked in2 each other's arms, and weepin profoosely fer 15 minits. It wuz ex- haustin and tiresum, but fer the cause I endoord it. The picter will appear in next week's Flap- doodle, headed "The 2 Grrate Minds uv the iVge! Affecting meeting uv Vallandigum and J^asby!" The matter akompnyin the picter will be written by Vallandigum and myself — he writin wat relates KA6BY VISITS YALLANDIUIIAM. -Pagk 1C3, VISITS VALLAIN'DIGHAM. 105 2 hisself, and I wat relates 2 myself. We kin do ourselves jiistis. After the Eastern delega- shen hed gone thro the eerrymony uv kissin his feet, wich cleaned em, he dismist em, and we wuz alone. "j^asby," says the great C. L., "how is things in my nativ state?" "Squally," sez I. "Wat wuz the pervalin sentiment uv the peo- ple as to my eggsile?" "They wuz extremely glad uv it." "The akount uv my prostrashen — my untold suifrins, et settry, wich I hed publisht in the pa- pers; did that not affect them?" "Yes; they laft." " Did not the affectin akount uv the wife uv my buzm and my cherub babes a jinin me here, 2 share my lonely eggsile, move em?" "Nary move." "Nasby, the people is stun. But I'll fetch em. 'Nil despritrando ' is my motto." After a few moments uv profound silence, he resoomd : "I must be guvnor, for how else kin we pre- vent the subjugashen uv the Dimckratik staits? Elect me, and therd be no trouble about drafts, onlcss we shood git involved in a war with the 106 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. United States. The Confederacy wood be recog- nized, Ohio wood go with the South, and slavery wood be interdoost, and as we woodent hev eny further use fer em, poor men woodent be allowed to vote, making me perpetooal guvner. Nasby, we must succee(^' "Certainly. But we're in a tite plais. Our speekers is embarist. It takes a gigantik intel- lek to bring the pints 2gether. A anicdote : A spritely boy wunst put 200 eggs in a nest for a hen to set on. Sez his maternal mother: "'My son, why puttist thou so many eggs under the hen ? She canst not kiver em.' " 'Certinly she canst not; but, thunder! I want to see her spread herself.' "Jest so. Our speakers is in the same fix. The outside egg in the Dimekratik nest is opposition to the war. Tother side uv the nest, 200 eggs dis- tant, is the support uv the war. To kiver em all requires great stretchin capacity." "Troo, 2 troo. But we must mix it, and trust to luck. In loyal counties, stuff em with dilooted patriotism ; in our counties, pure secesh. The peo2:)le is jest ez gullible now ez ever they wuz." I left the patriot and sage much comforted. Petroleum Y. JN'asby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. CONVERSES WITH A BROTHER. 107 XXVII. CONVERSES WITH A BROTHER. Church vr St. Vallandiocm, ) Wingert's Corners, Orgust the 9th, 18G3. ) I HED a brother who left his paternal roof in 18forty-nine, fer the perpiis uv makin a fortin, a follerin the briny deep. He did n't maik a fortin, however, makin fortins bein a thing fer wich the Nasby family is not cellebratid. He had bin absent all uv the time, and hed heard never a word frum his naytiv land. He went frum this county, and wen he landid at I^oo York, he cum strate 2 this plais. I reseeved him with open arms. "Josef," sez I, "do voo still remane troo 2 the Dimekratik faith?" "Petroleum," sez he, "I do. Ez wuz resolvd in our konvenshun the yere afore I startid, I bleeve that slaivry is a evil, and that the Himok- rasy uv Ohio shood use all constooshnel means to mittygait and finclly eraddycait it, and" "flold," sez I, "times is changd. The Dimok- rasy now look upon slaivry cz a blcssin; but, go on." "I bleeve," resoomd he, "that the scttlin uv the 108 PETROLEUM V. Js^ASBY. question uv slaivry by the Missory Compermise wuz rite; and" "Hold on," sez I, "we repeeld the Comper- mise." "I bleeve," retorted he, feebly, "that slaivry is the creecher uv #okle legislashen, and shood be exclooded frum the territories; and" "Stiddy," sez I, "the Dimokrasy is in favor uv extendin it all over the territories." "Well," sez Josef, sez he, "I 'm fer the Union, wun and indivizable; that's Dimokrasy, aint it?" "Yes," sez I, "with sevral ifs and much buts. We are jest now, ez a party, ingaygd in the de- liteful work uv splittin up the old Union in2 4 parts, as per Vallandigum. Josef, your behint the age. You see, Josef, we wuz fer the Union, wun and indivizable, jest so long ez the Dimok- rasy, wich wuz mostly lokated Sowth, hed con- trole uv sed Union. In them davs ISToo End and wuz under. Then things changd. Noo England spred over the West, and ther wuz danger uv losin the control e. To check em, we commenst legis- latin ; fustly repeelin the Compermise, so they mite take niggers ther, if they cood git in fast enuif. That wuz a failyer. Then we decided that the constooshn pertected slaivry, and that it cood go ther anyhow. Still Noo England beet us, electin CONVEKSES WITH A BROTHER. 109 a Abolishn President, and we bolted, so that we coed git shet uv Xew England. And that 's wat the war's about." Sez Josef, scz he : " Petroleum, to me it doth seem that all that 's left uv the Dimokrasy, to which I wunst belongd, is the naim." 2 which I sentenshusly rej)lide: "It air." Sez Josef, sez he, "Petroleum, I can't git it thro me. Ef I hed staid at home, perhaps I mite hev took these changis down, wun at a time, but at wun dose it 's 2 much. Therefoar, Petro- leum v., consider me owt. The old flag's good enuff fer me, I thank you, and Androo Jaxn wuz abowt the style uv a Dimekrat you mite bet ycr bottom dollar on. I repoodiate the hull on 't. I do n't like egg-shells, ner nuthin wat aint got no meet into it; by wich strikin mettyfor I meen to say that a party that hez dispozd uv its prinsij)- ples, and lives on a empty naim, aint the assosia- shen fer any body but a low graid uv ijeots, and a high graid uv skoundrels, sech ez would garrote the Goddis uv Liberty fer the white cotton nite gownd she is juktorelly represented ez wearin. Petroleum V., adoo." 110 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. The next day lie enlistid. I saw him depart with a bloo kote on. Ez he haddent a doHar that I cood borrer, I wuz rejoist to see him go. Respectively, Petroleum V. [N'asby. XXVIII. CONFESSION OF FAITH. Church vy St. Vallaxdigum, Orgust the "ilst, 1863. We hed the glorusist kind uv a seesiin yister- day. The winders wuz opend, and a showr uv pure Dimekratik grace desendid upon us, and we wuz blest. Glory! "We reseeved into our Zion 18 young men, who reseevd the faith by inherit- ance, ther fathers hevin alluz voted the strait ticket. The follerin is the Confeshun uv Faith too wich they subscribed: Queshn — Dostest thow bleeve that Canaan wuz doomd to bondig becoz uv ISToer's gittin tite ; that Hayger and Onezimus prove the skriptoorality of the fugytiv-slaiv law ; that, taken ez a hull, they show that the ketchin uv niggers with dorgs is commendible and evangelikle? Dostest thow bleeve that the present war is CONFESSION OF FAITH. Ill unconstooslinel and unholy; that it wuz brot on by the Abolishnists interferin with slaivry; that the bombardment iiv Sumter wuz rite, the hasty? Dostest thow bleeve that Linkin is a tyrent and usurper; that he hed no rite too subjoogait the Sowth; that his callin out troops wuz uncon- stooshnel ; and that every thing he hez dun, since the war begun, is likewise unconstooshnel ? Dostest thow bleeve that Vallandigum wuz sent in2 the world to save the Dimekratik party; that in doin it he wuz arestid at Dayton, tride afore Ponteus Burnside, and sent Sowth ; that, after 3 months, he riz agen in Canydy, whense he shel cum ez soon ez hese electid, and Pooh goes after him with 300 thowsan? Dostest thow take the Crisis? Dostest thow bleeve that the sentrel committis is the sole dispenser uv opinyun, and wiltcst thow alluz yawp wen they wink? Dostest thow bleeve that skratchin a tikkit is the onpardonable sin? Dostest thow bleeve that this war wuz got up to free niggers, and that to-day Linkin hez 75,000 niggers in the North, a fcedin on fride oysters and hot punch ? Dostest thow bleeve that Lee is the greatest 112 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. gineral uv the age, and that all rej)orts uv Fedral victries is lies? Dostest thow bleeve Ben Butler 's a beast, and Hamlin a mulatter? Wiltest thow pledge yurself 2 uncompremisinly oppose yure sisters marrying niggers, no matter how much they want to? 2 all uv these questuns the candidates anserd : " I dost." Bro. Tuttle extendid the rite hand uv fellowship, and after making a X to their names, wich I hed previously ritten in our church-book, they wuz made members of my flock. The coz is prosperin. We commense a series uv revival meetins next week, and hev made ex- tensiv preparashens therefor. 10 barls of con- denst Dimokrasy, 20 barls uv beer, and 300 yards uv bolony hez bin pervided. Ther will be a out- porin. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. PEEACHES — SUBJECT, " GIVIX." 113 XXIX. PREACHES — SUBJECT, " GIVIN." Church vy St. Vallandigum, September the 'list, 1863. I PREECHED yisterday frum this text: "Ycrely I say unto yoo, it is moar blesseder toe give than toe reseeve." — Joab xvii: 313 to '21, incloosiv. The inspird riter hcd, no dout, the Dimekratik party in his mind's eye, wen he rit them words uv wisdom. Experence hez shode the trooth uv them sentens, and ef it hadent, youd be bound to bleeve it, coz I, your paster, sez so, wich is Di- mokrasy. To ilhistrait, we shell inquire: 1. Wat is givin? Givin is givin, wich is suffishently cleer expla- nashen fer all practikle perpuses. 2. Wen shood we giv? This pint reqwires moar eloocydashen. We must giv alluz, fer it is moar blessider toe giv ner toe reseeve. The Dimokrasy hez alluz bin seriptooral in this partikeler. Wen the Sowth wantid Misoory, we giv it. Wen she wantid a fugytiv-slaiv law, we giv it. Wen she wantid Texis, and Kansas, and Xcbrasky, we giv it — hal- leloogy! Wen she wantid Bookannon, we giv it; 114 PETROLEUM V. XASBY. and wen she demandid Duglisses hcd, we g\v it, far it is moar blessider to giv ner it is to reseeve. 3. Why shood we giv? Becoz it pays. So long ez the Dimokrasy hed the power uv givin, all wuz well. The Sowth, hevin all it wanted, wuz contentid, and evry thing went on smooth and plesent like. JS^acher in- tended em to rool, and us uns to serve, and we wuz satisfide, and so wuz they. Such offisis ez wuz benethe em, they tost to us, and all .wuz peese. It wuz normel. 4. Wat hez bin the consekencis uv not givin ? My frens, seest thou yon post-orifise ? A Abo- lishnist sets there. And woe is us! the plasis we onct did fill all ore the land, we fill no moar. And wuss. Ther is war; the Xorth hez rebeld aginst the Dimokrasy, and to-day yoor sons is be- ing dragged to the tented feeld, to be offered up a sakrifis to the fell sperit uv "not givin." 0, my frens, we stumbled ourselvs. We faild to giv wunst, and that failj^our wuz fatle. Wen we in our j^ride defide the Sowth at Charleston, we sinned, and air now payin fer it. 0, hed we all yoonited in givin, then — hed w^e follered prese- dent and got down into the dust — then all wood Lev bin well. We dedooce from the foregoin the follerin grate PREACHES — SUBJECT, " GIVIX." 115 trootli, to-wit, viz : Siiifrin alluz follcrs sin. Ne- ther duz the sinner git the price uv his sin. The demon uv Abolishnism, er Not Givix, wich is sinonymus, held afore the eyes of Duglis the daz- zlin prospek uv Northrin votes. But lo ! wen Duglis hed took the fatel step, the votes wuz Linkin's, and the post-orfises wuz Linkin's, and the Dimokrasy supped on sorrcr and brekfasted on woe. Ther is, my brethren, a hevy cuss on Not Givin. "Wo unto yoo fer a stiff-necked and rebelyus peo- ple." (Abiram 31, 5, xlp.) In the originel Roo- shen it is "stiff-backt" instid uv "stiff-neckt," wich makes it mene Massychusetts. They wood never bend a inch ; they hed no limbernis, and with head uj:), instid uv down — with backs strate, instid uv curvd — they insisted on bein men ez well ez Vir- ginny, thus forcin the Sowth to take up arms to bend em into ther nateral posishen. My frens, this war is a effort on the part uv the Sowth to put down these rebels aginst the grate prinsiple uv Givix. That's all they want, and wen they git it they '11 stop, I make no doubt. Then, brcthrin, let us pray fer their sukccss — let us imytait our martcrcd saint, Yallandigum, who is a exel far away, and, 2 the xtent uv our ability, further the grate coz. Let Noo Ingland be got 116 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. under ; Sumner, and Waid, and Giddins, and Gim Aslily, and Oin Luvgoy hung; the grate Davis President, with Fernandywood and Vallandiguna in his Cabynit; then will ther be for us peece, and harmony, and good-will, and post-orfises. Let wat I hev sed sink deep in2 yoor harts. Wen the contribooshen box cums around, remember that "it is moar blesseder 2 give than 2 reseeve." So mote it be. Petroleum V. Nasby. Faster uv sed Church, in charge. XXX. VISITS CAMP DENNISON TO ELECTIONEER FOR VALLANDIGHAM. Church uv St. Vallandigum, October the \st, 1863. Feelin it a sakred dooty I owed the coz uv Dimokrasy and free speech, (on awl subgeks not interferin with Dimokras}'^ ez it hez bin, ez it is, or ez it may be,) I visited Camp Dennyson, wich is naimd after a Abolishnist, to use my stentorin voice fer Vallandigum, among the payrold priz- ners. It wuz a bammy mornin in September wen I arriv, and procoorin admishen, I set to work to wunst. Noticin a cupple uv duzen uv ELECTIOXEERIXG FOR VALLANDIGHAM. 117 em a j^layin poker — 1 cent anty — I judged by a iiistink I liev that thcr wuz a good field fer sowin Dimekratik seed. Advansin, I sed: "My frends!" "Wat," said wun iiv em, takin advantij iiv the interrupshen to slip a ace er 2 up his koat-sleeve. "My frends," sed I, "I cum 2 yoo ez a possel iiv peece, and a umble advokait uv Dimokrasy, and that persookootid angil, Yallandigum" "Five aces, Jimuel," sed the person who fust sed "Wat" to me. "I take the pile, coz yu cant beet five aces ; " and sweepin the munny, he re- markt 2 me, "Xow, parson, wat did yoo say?" "I cum," sez I, "in behaif uv the outrajd Yal- landigum, who is a exile far away." I found that the sile uv Camp Dennyson wuz altogether 2 stony to maik preeching for Yallan- digum and free speech very pleasent, for no sooner hed the wurds left my lips than a showr uv stuns assailed me; wun, that felt ez tho it wayd a tun, prostrated me. A seriz uv outrajis wuz then per- petrated, wich beggars deskripshun. I wuz peltid with offensive eggs, and rotten cabbig, and decayd pertaters; in fact, at wun time the air wuz so full uv eggs, that I might hev thot, hed I bin poetikle, that the blessid sun wuz a mammuth hen, badly diseazd, and a layin rotten eggs, a milyun a uiinnit. 118 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Finally, wim uv em scz: ''Boys, we aint the priz- ners this feller's after. Johnson's Island's wher he wants to go to find his frends." "Yes," sed another, "and to git there yoo go by water!" Whereupon, these fiends seezed me and draggd me thro a hoss-troff 15 er a hundred times. Then they pourd cole-ile over me, and wuz a goin to set it afire to dry me, ez they sed, but I break and fled, pursood by 1000 uv these infooriatid demuns. I finally escaipd, by passin myself orf ez Horris Greely on to a party uv em who stopt me. I am at present confind to my bed, sustanin myself by takin dosis uv terbaeker joose from J. Davis' spittoon, dilooted with whisky. It inwig- goraits me. Peteoleum V. Nasby, Faster uv sed Church, in charge. IX THE "APOSSEL BIZNIS." 119 XXXI. IN THE "APOSSEL BIZNIS." October the 6tJi, 1863. The sole uv Nasby's foot knoze no rest. Eter- nal viggilence is the prise uv liberty, and a old Dimekrat who hez never skratched a tikkit, and who never spiles his likker by dilooshn, kin work in these perilus times. I am engaged in organ- izin sosieties on the basis uv the Union ez it wuz, the Constitooshn ez it is, and the nigger wlicr he ought to be. This imployment soots me. The apossel biznis I like. Brot into continooal con- tack with the best uv Dimekrats, I hev the run uv a thowsan jugs — pay regler and libral — fasilitiz fer borrerin unekalled — I am kontent. I send a few extrax frum my journal. MuNDY, 2d. — Kum into Whartensberg afoot. Wuz rcseevd with enthooziasm, invited to drink 20 times in ez menny minits, wich invitashens I acceptid, solely fer the good uv the coz. Hev in cast-iron bowils, I survived the trial. I found here a order called the "Limit," wich is a good thing. Hcd a mectin, and added the oaths to re- sist drafts and sheltcrin deserters; and after ex- 120 TETROLEUM V. Ts^ASBY. hortin uv them to stand by Dimokrasy, borrered thirty dolors and a clean shirt, and departid. [Poskrip. — The clean shirt I borrered frum a line about 9 P. M.] ToosDY, 3d. — Houktown wuz the next pint. Dimokrasy all rite to opperate on. T^ever wuz in a place in wich nigger wuz so hated and feerd. They hev a holesum prejoodis agin ever}'- thing black. Wun old patriark shot all his black sheep, paintid a black hoss red, and his dawter, a gush in maiden uv thirty- too, askt the objik uv her affeck- shins too dy his raven locks white. A roomer that a prove marshel wuz in the visinity did the job for him in a single nite. Found em w^ell or- ganizd. Addrest em at length, showin conclu- sivly that hed Linkin resined in faver uv the hi-minded Davis, we shood never hed this war; that sech a comj^ermise, and the follerin conces- sions, wood hev averted blud-shed, to- wit: The rite uv suffrage to be held only by slave- owners, and sech ez they may designate. The repele uv awl tariffs ceptin the wun on sugar. The fillin up uv Boston harber. The suppreshun uv the Triboon. The hangin uv Giddins, "Waid, Stevens, Sum- ner, and Oin Luvgoy. IN THE "ArOSSEL BIZNIS." 121 I dwelt at length on the horrers uv amalga- mashen, and closed with an elokent appele to stand by Vallandigum and pure Dimokrasy. Bor- rered three dolers on a prommis to remit, wich I shel do sum time after next Presidenshel eleck- shin. I made the wictim ezy by given him .my note. Wen men can be made comfortable by simply a note, I alluz do it, if they furnish paper. Benevolens is a prominent trate in my karicter. Wensdy, 4th. — Van Buren wuz my next pint. The Dimokrasy here hev their lamps trimd and burnin. They indoost more soljers to desert than any township in the county, ceptin Amandy and Union. I organized a branch sosiety to wunst. A blessid feelin pervades here. They jest more than hate niggers, and morn twenty babies hev bin named Vallandigum within six munths. One enthoosiastic old butternut named a femail infant Vallandighamia, and another named his boy Val- landigum Woods Bright. The boy hez a strong constitooshn and may live. Things is Avorkin in Allen. I borrered only 8 dollers uv the fatheful, which I shel pay wen 1 uv my rich uncles pegs out. I shel percede to Unyum and Orange town- ships immejitly. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Churchy in charge. 8 122 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. XXXII. WAILETH. Church tjv St. Vallandigum, October the 14th, 1863. I 'm sad — and wexed. My hed is a fountin uv teers, and mine eyes distil dilootid corn-joose. My hart is lead, and my sole is pot-bellied with greef. My lims ake with woe, my manly form is bowd, and my venrable lox is turnd white. 0, Vallandigum, thow hast gone to the grave, and in the same toom is berrid all my hopes. Adoo, vane world, adoo! I'll be a nunnery. The fait uv the people uv Ohio is seeld. Val- landigum, "Our cliosin standerd-barer," is not only a exile far away, but ther is a cheer- ful prospek, wich is daily improvin, uv his con- tinnerin in the exile biznis fer an indeffynit period uv time. A tyrannikle Presydent hez taken our old habis corpusses from us, and per- sistently refuses to furnish us new wuns; and the people hevin acqwiest . by their votes, we lay bound hand and foot. Men fleein from conskrip- shen and sich, kin be seezed and dragd in2 WAILETH. 123 slavery; cavclry drcst in odjus bloo hcz license to hunt the pantin fugitive, who, after drawin his bounty and pay, changis his mind, and desires to return to the buzem uv his family, and the shootin uv enrollin orfisers and tax assessors will now be considered a crime. Alas! The news affectid me variously. I hed our township all fixt, hevin distribbitid tikkits, and knowin nun uv em cood skratch em, ez they do n't rite enny. I reseevd the returns with a gratifide smile. "Bless yoo, my children; you hev dun nobly," sez I. Presently a currier arrivd, bringin the disturbin intellygens that the north- ern countis give Bruif 30 thowsen, and 2 minnits thereafter another arrivd statin that the suthrin countis had got loonatik and given Bruif 35 thow- sen. With a hart-rendin and sole-tarin shreek, I fell a inannymait corps on the flore. * * * I awoke. A oder uv suthin natrel filled the room, givin me life agin. It wuz whisky. The worthy woman to whose house I board, hed bin rubbin the soles uv my feet with a jug, and givin me small dosis uv the restorer thro a funnel. Her exershens restord me to life agen. I presume the fact uv my owin six months board did not nerve her frajile arm. It wuz revrens. Despondent and weery uv life, I attempted 124 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. sooiside. I mixt my lickcr fer a day; I red a entire number uv the Crisis; I peroozed "Cotton is King," "Pulpit Pollytiks," and " Vallandigum's Record," but all in vane. Ez a last desprit re- source, I attemptid to pizon myself by drinkin water, but that faled me. My stumick rejected it — I puked. I am 2 much prosteratid to offer either advice or consolashen to my Dimekratik frends. We air in a stait uv abgect cussitude. To see Waid, and Chaise, and Oin Luvgoy, and that 3-ply Abolishnist, Horris Greely, feelin good, is prusic asid and strickO to us. I shell seek releef from my sorrers in the floin bole. Petroleum V. IN'asby. P. S. — The printer will put mournin lines abuv and below this letter. "changes his base." 125 XXXIII. "CHANGES HIS BASE." Church uv St. Vallandigum, October the 28M, 1863. Paul, the aj)ossel, on his way frum Geroosalem 2 Damaskus, to persekoot the Crischens, seed a dazzlin lite wich struck him blind. The old Diniokrasy, on the 13th uv October, on its way to Glory, to persekoot the nigger, seed a lite wich nocked it crazy. Wen yu've suckt a orange dry, natrelly yoo fling away the peel; and if the froot provd sour and bitter instid uv sweet, yoo fling it a good deel further, bein disgustid. Vallan- digum's marterdom wuz our orange — we suckt it wiggerously; but, alas! quinine is sweetnis compared to it; to-wit: I fling away the wuthless peel. Myself and flock is now all war Dimekrats, Wc hcv alluz Ijin. We never agreed with the extreemists uv our party, and we remaned i]i the organnyzation only becoz, ez members thereof, we cood restrane it frum doing mischif. We wor zealus in the support uv Vallandigum, and workt hard to elect him, only that, being his supporters, and havin electid him, we cood curb him. 126 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Therefore, all our apparent opposishen to the war wiiz reely its most effishent support. I hope the peeple will see it. At a biznis meetin uv our Church yisterdy afternoon, the follerin resolooshens wuz past: Wareas, Dimokrasy flurishes best wen it is successful; and wareas, it is a tender flower that don't bare the chillin frosts uv adversity much; and toareas, the peeple hev shode by the pekoolyer stile uv ther votin that they don't like Vallan- digum ner his principples ; and ivareas, the i^eeple is uv moar use to us than Y allandigum ; therefore be it Besolvd, That Yallandigum never wuz a rep- resentativ uv the Dimekratik idee. Besolvd, That we do not indorse his views, or approve his acts, and never did. Besolvd, That honist old A. Linkin, by arrestin uv him, and thereby forsin uv us into committin polittikle sooiside by nominatin uv him, wuz guilty uv a heenus sin. Besolvd, That we aint ez much consernd about our habis corpusses ez we wuz afore the elecshen. Besolvd, That the war for the Union must go on until its enemies is subj negated, and the ban- ner uv buty and glory waves over every stait ; and the Dimekratik committis uv the varius staits be "changes his base." 127 requesticl to procoor a sufficient number uv ban- ners, and aj:)pint sub-committis to wave em. Resohd, That we air in favor uv subjoogashen, emansipaslien, confiscashen, taxashen, oonscrip- shen, exterminashen, nigger enlistments; and ef ther is any thing else the peeple desire, let em write us, (post pade,) and wcel pass the nessary resolooshens. These preamble and resolooshens (wich, at my reqwest, wuz past unanimusly) strikes me ez kiv- ering the hull ground. Waitin and watchin, Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 128 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. XXXIV. HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH THE PRESIDENT. Church uv St. , November the 1st, 1863. I FELT it my dooty to visit Washinton. The miserable condislion the Dimokrasy find tliem- selves into, sinse the elecshen, makes it nessary that suthin be did, and tlierefore I determined to see wat cood be effectid by a persnel intervew with the President. Interdoosin myself, I opened upon him deli- kitly, thus: "Linkin," sez I, "ez a Dimekrat, a free-born Dimekrat, who is prepared to die with neetnis and dispatch, and on short notis, fer the inalien- able rite uv free speech — knoin also that you er a goriller, a feendish ape, a thirster after blud, I speek." *'Speek on," says he. "I am a Ohio Dimekrat," sez I, "who hez re- poodiatid Vallandigum." "Before or since the elecshin, did yoo repoodi" ate him?" sez he. "Sinse," retortid I. "I thot so," sed he. "I would hev dun it, too, HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH THE PRESIDENT. 129 hed I bin you," continnered lie with a goriller-like grin. "We air now in favor uv a wiggerus prosecu- shen uv the war, and we want you to so alter yoor polisy that we kin act with you corjelly," sez I. "Say on," sez he. "I will. AYe don't want yoo to change yoor polis}^ materially. We air modrit. Anxshus to support you, we ask yoo to adopt the follerin trifling changis : "Rcstoar to us our habis corpusses, as good ez new. "Arrest no moar men, wimmin, and children for opinyun's saik. "Rcpele the ojus confisticashen bill, wieh irry- taits the Suthern mind and fires the Suthern hart. "Do away with drafts and conskripshens. "Rcvoak the Emansipashen proclamashen, and give bonds that you '11 never islioo another. "Do away with tresury noats and sich, and pay nuthin but gold. "Protect our dawters frum nigger eqwality. "Disarm yoor nigger soljers, and send back the niggers to their owners, to conciliate them. "Olfer to assoom the war indetednis uv the 130 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. South, and plej the guverment to remoonerate our Suthrin brethren for the losses they hev sustaned in this onnatrel war. "Call a convenshen uv Suthern men and sech gileless Northern men ez F. Peerce, J. Bookan- nun, Fernandywood, and myself, to agree upon the terms uv reunion." "Is that all," sez the goriller. "No," says I, promptly. "Ez a garantee uv good faith to us, we shel insist that the best haff uv the orifises be given to Dimekrats who repoo- diate Yallandigum. Do this, Linkin, and yoo throw lard-ile on the trubbled waters. Do this, and yoo rally to yoor support thowsends uv noble Dimekrats, who went out uv offis with Bookan- non, and hev bin gittin ther whisky on tick ever sinse. We hev maid sakrifises. We hev repoo- diatid Yallandigum — we care not ef he rots in Canady; we are willin to jine the war party, re- servin to ourselvs the j)oor privilidg uv dictatin how and on wat prinsipples it shel be carried on. Linkin! Goriller! Ape! I hev dun." The President replide that he would give the matter serious considerashen. He wood menshen the idee uv resinin to Seward, Chais, and Blair, and wood addres a serculer to the postmasters, et settry, and see how menny uv em wood be willin HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH THE PRESIDENT. 131 to resine to accommodait Diniekrats. lie hed no dout sevral wood do it to wiinst. "Is ther any littcl thing I kin do for you?" *' Notliin pertikler. I wood accept a small post- orifis, if sitooatid within ezy range iiv a distilry. My politikle daze is well-nigh over. Let me but see the old party wunst moar in the assendency; let these old eyes once moar behold the Constooshn ez it is, the Union ez it wuz, and the nigger ware he ought 2 be, and I will rap the mantel uv jori- vit life arownd me, and go in2 delirum tremens happy. I liev no ambishen. I am in the seer and yellow lecf. These whit n in lox, them sunken cheek, warn me that age and whisky hev dun ther perfeck work, and that I shel soon go hents. Linkin, scorn not my wurds. I hev sed. Adoo." So sayin, I wavd my hand impressively, and walkd away. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 132 PETROLEUM V. XASBY. XXXV. PREACHES. CuuRCH OF St. , Jxine the 9th, 1863. I PREECHED yisterday friim the follerin text: "What shel we do to be saved?" This, my brethrin, is a important inquiry. Speaidn ez a Dimekrat, who for thirty yeres hez never scratched a tikkit — vewin things frum a Dimekratik stand-pint — I hev no hesitashen in sayin that we need savin in a eminent degree. The dark waives of fanattycism, wich wuz mear rippeis in 1856, were mountin-high in '60, and now they roll uncheckd frum Calyforny 2 Mane. One island is yet unsquelched. JSToo Jersey yet is troo to Dimokrasy — a oasis amid the sterile desert, a green spot by the wayside, a beekon-lite to the shipwreckd maryner, a whisky-jug in Mane. Thank hevin for jVoo Jersey — halleloogy! I am prowd 2 say that I, yoor paster, wuz born in Noo Jersey; that my father sawd wood for the Presi- dent uv the Camden and Amboy, and my mother wuz his washerwoman. Umble wuz our lot; but wat sez the good book? "It is better to be a dore-keeper at the house uv Dimokrasy than a PREACHES. 133 postmaster in the tents uv Ablislinism." But 2 resoom : Wat shel we do to be saved? This inquiry is uv pekoolycr intrest jest now. Let me ask, why do we need savin ? Dimokrasy is the pure, refind salt uv the guverment — to speek uv salt savin is a absurdity. Ah ! my frends, wile Dimokrasy savd the guverment, the guverment savd Dimok- rasy. It wuz a strikin illustrashcn uv the eternel fitness uv things. So long ez my venrable frend lied a post-orifis, he wood be wuss nor a loonatik ef he did not sustane the guverment that give him the post-orifis. Every thing went on, so long ez we hed the post-orifises. Wat we want just now is votes; and how to get em is the question. Whisky used to do it; but, alas! the amount uv whisky nessary to convert a Ablishnist to Dimok- rasy wood kill him afore he cood vote — they not being seasond vessels. We lost control, my brethren, by bein stub- born. 0! let us dodge that fatal error. The last elecshen shode that we cood not lode the people — ■ let the people Icde us. Ef the people want war, let us be war men; ef they want peece, let us sing liosanners to peece! Ef they want war in Ohio, let Ohio Dimekrats be war men, and of Noo York wants peece, let em be peece men. Our platform 134 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. is broad cnuff to accommodait all; and on the mane question, which is post-orifis, we kin all agree — halleloogy ! Hevin settled the matter uv faith, we will con- sidder that uv work, for faith without works is uv no more use than a whisky-punch without the whisky. Ther must be no draft — the men must be razed by volunteerin. Exstrordinary indoose- ments must be held out for Abolishnists to enlist; for evry wun who goes, stands a lively chance uv trubblin us no more. We must hev our voters back frum Canady. My frends, ther were enuif good Dimekrats in Canady to hev saved Ohio and Noo York. They must be hum, to wunst. We need em. We hev not suffishently improvd the nigger — we neglectid him. Ther is 2 sides to the war question; but on nigger we air invulnerable. Why? yoo ask. Becoz he has no frends. The Abolishnists air afeerd to defend him, and by talking uv him to them, we hev wun menny a fite. 0, bless the Lord for the nigger ! He is our tower uv strength. My brethrin, we hev a big job afore us. Let us dally no longer. Think uv the consekences uv another defect. Sech uv our Dimekratik leeders ez did not git commishns in the army air in a PREACHES. 135 bad shaip. They can't git whisky on tick, for- ever. Sum uv em hev got so low ez to be obliged to drink dilootid camfene, wich hez a bad effek upon the stumick. I tride it wunst. They must be releevd. They must hev their posishens and ther reglcr salaries, for without em ther stumicks is gone. Brcthrin, to the breech, to wunst. My Church depuytized me to assertane the wherabouts uv sum Dimekrat who hez n't exprest a opinyun sinse the war commenst, and tender him the nominashen for the Presidensy. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 136 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. XXXVI. PROPOSES TO RESTORE THE UNION. Church uv St. , November the 20th, 1863. Ther is but jest wun way by wich this wunst happy, but now distractid, govement kin be re- yoonitid, and that way I hev diskoverd, and shel apply for a pattent thereon. It is, breefly, tliis: Tlie holdin uv a jint nashnel convenshun, in wich each Dimekratik delegait shel hev 12 voats, to a Ablishnist's one, for the purpus uv preservin a ekillibrum, wich is nessary. The restorashen uv the Un3^un ez 't was, to akomplish wich feet, the convenshen shel nommi- nait them pure patriots and hi-minded staitsmen, Jeems Bookannon and Jon C. Brekinrij, for Pres- ident and Vice, who shel be electid by the North- rin staits, ez a slite token uv remorse for wat they hev dun. The eleckshen to be held next spring, and the inoggerashen, and consekent distribbushen uv or- fisis to foller immejitly, that the fatheful may be consiliatid, and the whisky intrest relceved, ez soon ez possible. Bookannon shel git together sich uv his old PROPOSES TO RESTORE THE UNION. 137 Cabbynit ez lievent died cr turnd Ablishnist, (ther plasis to be filld with sicli men ez Fernandywood and Vallandigum.) The present war wood, uv coarse, stop, becoz our inflaimd Suthrin brethrin wood hev nothin watever to fite for, hevin consid- dably more than tliey ever askt for, wieh is hily Diraekratik. Then the armies wood be jined under the com- mand uv that emmynent cheeftain, General Lee, witli that uther overpowrin stratejist, McClellen, (hoo resembles him in every thing ceptin his abil- ity,) ez his sekond, the Confedrit offisers bein all promoted to briggadeers. That the amount uv steelin nessary to soothe the Suthrin mind may be lied, I sejest a war with the French, lookin to the conquest uv Mexiko. This wood be a killin uv 2 birds with wun stun, to-wit : 1. Affordin the Suthrin brethrin a opportoonity uv makin good ther lossis in this war, by takin fat contrax in the next; and, 2. We Wood hev Mexiko to divide up into slaive staits, killin Noo Ingland completely. Wich wood soothe the Sutliriu mind, and squench the Suthrin hart. Congris shood immejitly pass a act makin it treezn, punishable with deth, to refooze Confedrit skrip ez i)ayment for prodoose uv awl kinds, and 9' 138 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. also to pay off the Confedrit war debt befoar eny tiling else is did. I maik no doubt that a large nuraber uv fanat- tix in the north will obgekt to this consillatory polisy, but I care not. Our gelloreous Constooshn wuz a compermise, and ef it is preserved to us, it will be by compermise. ISTo troo Dimekrat, who hez the good uv his party at hart, will say nay to enny uv these proposishens. Ablishnists and week-need Dimekrats may obgect on the ground uv the perpetuation uv the slaivry feecher uv the skeem. To me this lies nary terer; on the contrary, I like it much. Slaivry is a huje Juggernaut. Jest so long ez we N^orthren Dimekrats lade flat in the mud afore its wheels, we wuz not injoord, but merely shovd further in2 the mire, puttin us, however, in the eggsact posishun to ketch the ile that dript frum the axels. But wen we tride to stand afore it, w^e wuz smashed. Dugiis wuz a eminent wictim. 0, let us not only restore the Yoonyun ez it wuz and the Constooshn ez it is, but let us resoom our old posishn ez soon ez possible. Waitin and watchin, Petroleum V. Xasby. SALVATION OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY. 139 XXXVII. SUBMITS A PLAN FOR THE SALVATION OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY. Church cv St. , December the 2d, 1863. I AM not apt to change. Ez the Samist sez, "AYunst I wuz yung, but now I am old;" but yung er old, it has alluz bin the saim with me. Whisky strate hez bin my bevridge, and Dimok- rasy my tikkit, wun and inseprable, and I hev stuck to cm with a fidelity ekaled by few and serpast by nun. But the time hez cum fer a raddykel change, in order to saiv the good old party I hev ornamented so long. My reezens are these: The rebel yun is played out. Our Suthern breth- rin is gone in. To use figgerativ langidge, wich will be understood in the circles in wich I am akustomed 2 move, Linkin has made 4 alreddy, and holds high, low, and jack. So long as ther wuz any chanse for the 15 Dimckratik staits to succeed, it was natrel for us to help cm, for then we cood ezy jine with cm agin ; but ez they are past prayin for, wat is wisdom for us? Clcrely to help wipe em out. Why? In my skriptooral 140 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. recdin I wimst found a liistry uv a steward who wiiz about losin his plais. Like Hamlick, he soliloquizd, "Wat kin I do? I can't work, I do n't fancy hoggin, and hev n't got the green- bax to start a grosery." (Groseries wuz cash in Judee.) A hicky thot emergd frum his Webste- rian intellek. "I hev it," sez he to hisself. "I am yet steward. I will giv receets in full to them ez owes my boss, and wen my day uv trub- ble cums, I '11 board with em." The pint is plane. Wile in the serviss uv our Suthrin masters we wuz rayther hard on our Afri- kin brethrin. We did beat em, and choak em, and did despitefully use em. We can't count on the Sutherners no more — let us elevait the nigger to the plais his master okepide in the party. Like the steward aforesed, let us do good to them we was wunst tuff on, that we may hev frends wen we need em. Let that hory old dotard, Tawny, be assassynated, and sum wun appinted in his plais, that will reverse his decision that they hedent eny rites that wite men was bound to respeck ; let Samcox and Fernandywood inter- doose bills abollyshin slaivry in the staits, and givin evry Afrikin brother a quarter secshun uv land, a 2-hoss teem, a red bunnit with artefishel flowers on to it — maik em sittyzens, and then — SALVATION OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY. 141 We'd get evry wun iiv em. This wood give us the fifteen Siithrin staits as in the happy daze uv year, and the 500,000 iiv our cullerd brethrin, now in Canady, cood be brot back to the land uv their nativity, and distribbited thro Ohio and Noo York, so ez to redeem them staits frum the rule uv misgided Abolish — I meantersay, Republikins. This plan is feezible, and pekoolierly adapted to the Dimekratik mind, wich is flexyble — very. Let it be adoptid, and wunst more will the good ole party repose under the shadder uv the Trezury bildins ; wunst agin will the chozn few dror regler salaries; and the nashen flurish under the blessins we lost wen Bookannon, the gileless, rctird to privit life. Petroleum Y. JS'asby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 142 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. XXXVIII. TAKES A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW. Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, ) (Lait St. Vallandigum,) December the Wih, 1863. ) YiSTERDY I lieercl a Ablishnist remark: "The world moves." The observashen (wich I hev heerd frequently iiv lait) set me into a trane iiv refleckshen. My comprehensive mind sprang hack into the misty days uv the past, and I wuz a hoy agin. Twenty-six years ago I wuz a splittin my symetrikle throte a hollerin for Van Booren. Them wuz the pammy days uv Dimokrasy. An- droo Jaxn hed left us his naim ez capital for us to do biznis on, wile he wuz out uv the way, and coodent interfere with our steelin, wich wuz com- fortable. We wuz beeten, but wuz still strong and viggerous, knowin that we cood manaje to live doorin Harryson's reign on wat we hed stole doorin Van Booren' s, the fasilites havin been un- limitid. 0, them times ! Ther wuz Cass, and Davis, and Dickinson, and Calhoon, and Tooms, and Bill Allen, and Duglis, (who wuz jest comin in,) and Ritchy, and Benton, and Isaer Bynders, and Wise, and Yankee Sullivan — a gelloreous TAKES A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW. 143 galaxy iiv intelleetooal anel muskeler Dimokrasy, sech cz the world never seed afore, and never will agin. Wuz Abolishnisni tolratid in them happy daze? Xot enny, 0, with what arder Luvjo}" wuz shot at Alton ! How wiggerusly the Dimokrasy laberd to throw his press in2 the tur- bid waters uv the Missisipi ! Wood, wood that we cood hev sunk his doctrins with his press ! Did we allow Abolishn talk? IS'ary. These stal- wart arm hev hurled baskitfuls uv unsavry eggs at the pedlers uv polittikle heresy, and my skill in eggin Abolishn lecterers wunst made me justis uv the peese in my native township. In the South, every hill-side wuz dottid with the carcasses uv Xoo Ingland skoolmarms, who, hcvin bin suspected uv teechin niggers to rede, wuz justly hung; and the pleasent crack uv the whip wuz heerd all over the land. 0, them Arcadian days, wen it only took 20 minits to arrest, try, sentence, hang, and divide the close uv a Yankee skool-teecher ! But, alas ! heresies crep in2 our ranks, and ther wuz confooshun. Van Booren bolted and bete Cass; and, notwithstandin he repentid afterward, the Abolishon pizon he interdoost in2 the Dinie- kratik body pollytik, remaned. It broke out in ugly sores in Ohio, in 1848, in the shaip uv the 144 PETROLEUM V. XASBY. feendish Free-sile party. Then Chaise and Brink- erhoof sluffed orf, and jind with our ainshent ene- mies. Jest afterward the Anti-Nebrasky excite- ment, cuppled with No-nothinism, whaled us, and it wuz only by sooperhooman eggsershens that we electid Bookannon. Since, it hez bin notliin but disaster. Bookannon and Duglis got by the ears; Duglis refoosed to cave to his Suthrin breth- rin ; Linkin wuz electid ; war ensood ; and now wat do these old eyes behold ? Cass, and Ben But- ler, and Logan, and I)ix, and Dickison, and Dave Tod, strikin hands with Josh Giddins and Horris Greely ! It is a singeler fact that every leader we used to trust is now agin us. And wuss. Ab- olishn papers is bein publisht in South Karliny, in Tennisee, Kentucky, and Loozeaner, and a millyun uv men, led by the ghosts and gliostesses uv them hung skoolmasters and skoolmarms aforesaid, assisted by John Brown's soul, wich is littrally a marcliin on, is enforcin a proclamashen freein all the niggers at wun stroak, and the Dim- okrasy, bein sum hundreds uv thowsends in the minority, is powerless to prevent it. Trooly, the ^vorld moves. It hez moved the Dimokrasy from the pedestal uv powder it wunst okepide, and laid it prostrait. It hez elevatid men we despised, and adoptid idees we scoft at. COMMUNES WITH SPIRITS. 145 Yungor men may shift and git in2 the tide agin, but ez for me, I can't. I shel maik wun moar effort, and if we fail — wliy, then, I shel withdraw frum public life, and start a grocery, and in that umble callin will flote peecefully down the streem uv time, until my wether-beten bark strikes on the rox of deth, gittin my likker in the menetime (uv wich I consume menny) at wholesail prices. Petroleum V. N'asby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. XXXIX. COMMUNES WITH SPIRITS. CnuKcii uv THE Slawterd Ixxocents, "I (Late St. VallanJijrurn.) December the 19M, LS63. I I II EY bin for menny years disposed to bleeve in speritooalism. Ther is suthin pleasent in the idee uv bein in communicashen with them ez hev gone before, as it may be reznable supozed that frum their stan-pint they kin see things in a more clearer lite than we who is encumbered with clay. Akordingly, I invited a distingisht mejum to visit my flock. * * * A circle wuz formd, and I wuz requestid to call 146 PETROLEUM V. XASBY. for the sperit uv sum wun. Hevin a few Abo- lishnists present, whom I wisht to enliten on po- litikle topLx, I cald for Tomus Jefferson. "Tomiis," sez I, "wuz yoo the father uv Dim- okrasy?" (I use my own langige, ez them old fellers wuz not alluz elegant.) "I wuz." "Tomus, are the party now barin the name yoor child?" "Not any. It's a mizable bastard, born uv John C. Calhoon, and that old hag, Stait-Rites, and a low-lived whelp it is. My heirs is them ez supports the guverment I help to maik." " But, Tomus, wood yoo hev us support a Abo- lishn war for the purpus uv freein niggers?" The sperit rapt out with awful distinknis : "We hold these trooths to be self-evident, that awl men is creatid ekal, and endoud with certing inaleyenable rites, among wich is life, liberty" At this pint I stopt the mejum. I knew the sperit wuz not Tomus Jeiferson, but a imposter, hevin heerd a Abolishn preecher use the same langige at a 4th uv Guly celebrashen. I then cald Androo Jaxn, hoo resj^ondid: "Androo," sez I, "woodent yoo like to be back on y earth, jist now?" COMMUNES WITH SPIRITS. 147 "Yoo kin bet I wood," retortid he. ^*I'd like to liev bin President in the place uv that old, white-liverd, black-cockade Fedralist, Bookannon. Wat a hangin ther wood hev bin ! Ther wood hev bin vacansis in Congris, and jest ez menny funerals ez ther wuz vacansis. As for Sowth Car- liny" The communycashen ceasd, and I heerd a sound like the grittin uv teeth. It resoomed: " I 'd string u^i Yallandigum, and Fernandy- wood, and Sammedary, et settry. It wood be a bad old joke on them indivijjles ef I hed controle of the habis corpus; I 'd" ■ I refoozed to hear further. This sperit wuz, also, ondoutedly a impostor. I cald for Benton, who merely sed that Miszory wuz comin to her senses in gittin rid uv slaivry; and for Duglis, who remarkt that he cood say uv the temple of Dimokrasy ez the Savior sed of the temple, "My howse is cald a howse of prayr, but )'e hev maid it a den of theeves;" both of whom wuz onquestionably impostors. Another sperit (probably of a deceest Ablishnist) sed that Bene- dict Arnold and Judis Iscariot hadent bin on speekin terms for sum time, Iscariot hevin called Arnold a copperhed. Arnold sed he 'd never stand that. 148 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Duglis cum back, and scd he had jest wun word 2 say. "The Dimekratik party wuz wunst grate, but it hed got in2 bad hands, and gone crazy as a drunken bed-bug. It needid new managers — men uv suffishent sense and honisty to run the party on okl prinsipples. In the okl hands, it wuz a pattryotic party — a party that wuz alkiz for the countr}^ It whaled the British in 1812, and afterwards nockt the hind sites off uv the old Fedral party for opposin it. It smasht Mexico, and afterwards smasht the Whig party for not helpin. Now, for the Dimokrasy to oppose a war agin rebels who not only commenst it, but hed actooally bustid the party itself, is loonacy un- ekaled in the histry uv the world. Squelch them tuppenny pollytishns who hev theeved the man- tels wunst worn by Jaxon and Benton, (they look in em jest about as well as a orgin grinder's munky wood in a soljer's overkote, and fill em jest as much,) got on to a war platform, and" I did n't care about persooin my investigashens enny further, pertikelerly ez the Abolishnists wuz all a snickrin. It 's my privit opinyun that ther 's nothin relyable about it, Hed the sperits bin reely them uv Jefferson, Jaxon, and sich, they woodent hev talkt so much undilootid niggerism. However, it did me very well. The mejum TRIES AX EXPERIMENT. 1-19 took up a collccksliun uv six dolars, wicli, by a singler coincidence, was the eggsact amount I lied intendid to charge him for the use uv my church. He grumbled, but finelly sheld out. I am now warin a new pare uv pants. Petroleum Y. K'asby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. XL. TRIES AN EXPERIMENT. Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, ) (Lait St. Yallandiguin,) December the 2o(h, 1803. I ]\Iankind is the most perverse and onrezonable beins uv the human family. Wile they assent 2 a principple, they never will put it into practis ef it bares hard onto em ez indivijjlcs; to-wit: I had bin for sevral weeks deliverin a coarse uv lektcrs on the divinnity uv slaivry. I argood that the institooshn wuz based upon the infecri- ority uv wun man 2 another; that it wuz not only a wise but a bootiful pervision uv nacher that the strong shood hev charge uv the week, a guidin and protektin and a workin uv cm. Tlie idee plezd my congregashen vastly, and fifteen or 150 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. twenty uv the strongest i^erposed that it shood be put into practis, jest 2 show the world that the grate doctrine cood be carried out jest as well in the North as in the South ; to wich I assented to wunst, and at the next biznis meetin, the fol- lerin plan wuz adoptid : The members uv the con- gregashen shood tr}'- ther strength, and them as cood lift 600, shood own and possess, in fee-sim- ple, all them ez coodent. The trial wuz hed, the diidzshen made, and I wuz hapj^y at bein the umble instrooment uv plantin the grate institooshen on Northrin sile. But, alas ! owin 2 the j^erversity uv the human mind aforesaid, it dident work. Old John Pod- hammer razd his 600 with the gratest eaze, wile Bill Sniffles, who wuz a workin for him for 12 dolars a munth, coodent fetch it. Podhammer went over to Bill's cabin the next mornin, and sez he : "Wilyum, frum this time, hentz4th and fur- ever, yoo air my man. As all a slaiv has is his master's, the 18 dolers I owe yoo, or that I did owe yoo afore this blessid system waiz establisht, I shel keep, and as yoo hev more furnytoor than befits yoor lowly condishen, I will send a team over to-morrer, and talk yer bewTow and stand and bedstids up to my house; and" TRIES AX EXPERIMENT. 151 At this jimctur in cums Mrs. Sniffles, who kin lift GOO, with okl Podhammer on the top iiv it, and it wuz no time afore she diskivered wat his hiznis wuz. She turnd red in the face. Said she: " Yoor goin to take my furnytoor?" "Certingly." "And wc air yoor slaivs?" "Uv coarse." "And yoo kin sell my children?" " laterally." "And yoo kin maik me yoor conkebine?" " Ef I wish." "Yoo old beest!" shreekt the infooriated femail chattel, forgettin her normal condishn. "You sell my babies! You taik my furnytoor! Drat ye, I '11 giv ye sum uv it now!" whereupon she hurled a chare, wich laid him prostrait on the flore, wen she pickt him up, and flung him out the dore. It did not end here. Podhammer hed in his hand a patch-work coverlid, wich he thot he wood taik with him, and wen he cum to, he walked off M'ith it, whereupon Mrs. Sniffles hed him took up on a charge uv steelin, and he wuz actooally tride, found gilty, and sent to jail for 30 daze. How kin we establish Dimekratik insti- tooshcns wen the courts won't recognize the laws of nacher ? 152 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. The experiment, for the present, hez the ap- perentz of a failyer. Petroleum V. Nasbt, Paster uv sed Churchy in charge. XLI. ADDRESSES JEFFERSON DAVIS. } Church ttv the Slawterd Innocents, (Lait St. Vallandigum,) January the 8th, 1864. J. Davis: Ez a frend, I address yoo. I am wiin uv that class uv yoor frends knone ez peece Dimekrats, and kin safely say that we hev dun yoo and yoor coz jest as much good ez any ekal number barin muskits in yoor highly heroic army. AVe hev bin, ever sence the Ablishnists made war on yoo, workin industrusly for 3^00, ez follows : We hev, ez a rool, stood inflexybly oj)posd to amost evry thing; We preechd that the war wuz a Ablishn war; We preechd agin taxashen; We held forth agin conskripshen We discurigd volunteerin; We encuridgd desershens, and pertektid de- serters J ADDRESSES JEFFEESOX DAVIS. 153 We never cood see a Fedral victry; We wuz alluz forst to aknollidge that the South ginerally got the better uv us; We never bleevd that yoo wuz gittin short uv pervishens ; We hired niggers to travel North to convince Dimckrats uv the nigger invashen 2 cum; We forst Linkin to retane Micklellan; We aboozd Fremont and Rosycrance; With uther artikkles too noomerus to menshun. But, somehow, it hczcnt workt. The Confed- eracy hez bin losin ground with a regelarity frite- ful to contemphxit. In spite uv all we cood do, volunteerin hez gone on, and ef we did kill off a general, another wun jest ez good ariz to take his place. Now, Jefferson, wat kin we do? It is obvus to the most obtoose intellek that the vandals hev got us. Wat shel be the next dodge? Planel}^ to secoor awl we kin. The Dimokrasy is ready to reseeve yoo with open arms, but yoor repcetid detcrminashen to die in the last ditch, and sich nonsents, hez bustid us wenever we spoke uv compermise and sich. Jefferson ! the last oppcrtoonity persents itself. Ask for a onerable peece — a pecce not burdened with hoomiliatin condishens. We kin engineer it 10 154 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. SO as to bring yoo back as good ez yoo went out, slaivry safe, yoor war debt assoomd by the gov- erment, and yoo back in the Senit. We kin hev old Chase, and Waid, and Sumner hung — we kin hev yoor soljers penshund, and the foogytiv- slaiv law re-enactid, and the territoris turnd over to yoo, and the confisticashen act repeeld, and the emansipashen proclamashen recalled, and yoor niggers restored — th^ guverment paying for sech ez may hev bin kild — and sech uther laws past ez you wish. Ef Linkin refooses to ackseed to these resonable terms, why, then the responsibility uv continooin a unnachrel and unnessary war is on his sholders, and we hev a ishoo for the next campane — a artikkle we stand very much in need uv. Jeiferson! do this, and do it to wunst. Delay may be fatle. He who hezytaits is lost. The vetrans is re-enlistin, and 300 thowsen volunteers, each a John Brown, and led by the original John Brown's ghost, wich is marchin on, is turnin their faces toward Dixie, with bayonits afore em. Ef yoo wait till June, the Confederacy will be smasht so fine that the Dimokrasy won't be able to git together enuff uv it to make a compermise with. Jefferson, ef yoo hev any regard for yerself, er ESTABLISHES AFRICAN SLAVERY. loo for us, yooi* frencis, do it. "Virchoo is its own reward." Be wise in time. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Churchy in charge. XLII. establishes AFRICAN SLAVERY. Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, ) (Lait St. Vallandiguru,) January the IGiA, 1864. I Trouble air a cumin upon me thicker and faster. "Men change, but principples, never," hez bin a motto uv mine for yecrs, and bleevin in the grate principple of the strong owning the week — or, in uther words, slaivry — I shel never ceese my efforts to maik it universal. Ther bein a onrecsonable prejudis in the minds uv the week uv my congregashen aginst bein the pcrpetooal servance uv them as nachcr hez maid to rool, I called a special meetin of my flock, to considder the matter. I interdoost the matter thus: By Hager, I provd that slaivry was scriptooral. By "cussid be Kanan," et settry, I shode con- cloosively that the nigger wuz the idcntikle in- divijjle who wuz to be the sed slaiv aforescd. Then it wuz put to vote, and it wuz unani- 156 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. musly rcsolvd, that Afcrkcn slaivry be intcrdoost amongst us. I notist, with pleasure, that the poorer the indivijjle, the moar anxshus he seemed to own a nigger. Opinyuns were then interchanged. Absolum Kitt, who is a carpenter, and who never saved a dohxr, hevin alkiz hed a sick wife and a large family of children, sed he felt that a grate work hed bin dun that nite. The prowd Anglo-Saxun, whom nacher intended to rool, hed bin that nite elewatid 2 his normel speer. Hentz4th ther wuz no moar laber for him. He hed a contrak to bild a house for brother Podhammer, and he hed no doubt that the brethrin who wuz blest with menes wood make up a puss, and enable him 2 buy a nigger carpenter to do his work. Brother Podhammer aroze. He, uv coarse, wood be glad to assist brother Kitt, but dooty 2 his family reqwired a diifrent line uv action. His idee wuz to purchis a nigger carpenter his- self, and "WHAT!" exclaimed Kitt. Brother Podhammer resoomd. He intended to buy a nigger carpenter hisself, and bild his house. The cheef beauty uv the grate system, and the wun that maiks it altogether luvly, is that yoo kin BUY yoor labor. ESTABLISHES AFRICAN SLAVERY. 157 "But," sed Kitt, "what kin I do if yoo work nigger carpenters ? " "Trooly," sez Podhammer, "I know not. A carpenter kin be purchist for ^1000, tlic interest uv wich is |60, and his keepin, say $100 more, per annum. Now, ef Brother Kitt will cum to them wagis, and be modritly umble, I mite, for his saik, forego the exquisit pleasure uv hevin a nigger to flog, and still employ him." "But," sez Kitt, turnin pail, "my family wood starve on them wagis. Wy, I mite ez well be a nigger myself." At this pint I lifted up my voise. I exerted Brother Kitt to patience. The grate Dimekratik idee, that cappytal shood own labor, must be es- tablisht. It may bare hard upon indivijjles, but wat then ? John Rogers went camly to the stake for principple. Ef Brother Kitt doth not like to accept his normel condishen to wunst, he kin go to sum less favored country, wher the grate in- stooshon is not establisht. Brother Podger, a blacksmith, sed he suppozd the rich uns wood buy a nigger blacksmitli, and let him emigrait. Brother Snipes, a j>lastcrer, made a simler ob- serwashen. Brother Punt, a bricklayer, remarkt likewise. 158 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Whereupon they all, in corns, similarly ex- claimed they 'd see us d — d fust, and then they woodent. Whereupon they reconsidered the resolushen establishin slaivry. Kitt and his herritix wuz not at church last Sundy, and the postmaster told me that they hed sent orf a club for the 'Noo York Triboon. Trooly, a reformer's Jordan is a hard rode to travel I beleeve. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. NOMIXATIOX OF MILITARY MEX. 159 XLIII. OPPOSES THE NOMINATION OF A MILITARY MAN. Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, ) (Lait St. Vallandiguin,) January the 2\st, 1864. J I NOTis in the Dimekratik papers a desire 2 maik General Micklellan or General Grant our nominee for the Presidency. Sooisidel ijce ! I pertest ! Time hezn't tetched my floin lox with frost, and furrode my massive brow for nuthin. Peepil hev sumtimes douted my honisty, but my talcnce, never. I do n't alluz pay, but I never faild in borrerin — wich is useful. Therefoar, I throw myself into the breech, and demand a hcerin. I am inflexibl}'' opposed to Micklellan's nomi- nashen. I hev faith in the soundnis uv his Dim- okrasy, but nun watever in his ability. Look at it. He Avuz placed in a posishcn to make the Dimokrasy, but instid he (by weeknis) well-nigh rooind it. He lied under his controle 180,000 Abolishnists. A man uv genius wood hev de- stroyed em all, wareas he only sunk abowt the haff, levin the rest to live and vote agin us, A nominee uv the Dimokrasy must be a man able to 160 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. controle uther men. Is he sich? Not enny. Did lie not let that born devil, Hooker, and Kerny and Mansfeeld, (who wuz killd, halleloogy!) brake away and fite our Siithrin brethren at Anteetum and elsewhair, killin jest ez menny Siithern Dim- ekrats ez wuz killd uv the Ablishnists? Troo, he stopt it ez soon ez he cood. Troo, him and Fits- jon Porter lade out Pope, and kep him from beetin our Suthern frends Troo, he did Linkin ez much hurt, and Davis ez much good, ez wuz in him ; but the work he mite hev dun wuz only haff dun. His ijee waiz not our ijee. His stratejy wuz to shashay backerds and forerds, until both sides wuz eggsaustid, and then patch up a com- permise. We Avantid Linkin histid 2 ^vunst; and hed ther been a proper understandin atwixt him and Lee, Gefferson Davis mite hev bin in the Wite House, and we, the pure Dimokrasy, mite not only hev hed the post-orifises, but hev bin a revelin on the confisticatid estaits uv Abolish- nists, wich wood hev bin constooshnel. I hed my egle eye fixt on a sheep-farm uv 360 akers; but, alas! I got it not. Then the iron enterd my sole! Then I cust the imbesility uv the man who swindled me out uv the farm I longed for. I '11 nun uv him. Avant ! Ez fer Grrant, my sole rekoils with horror at the NOMINATION OF MILITARY MEN. IGl bair ijee. Wat ! nominait a man whose willin sord drips with the gory life-blud uv iinwillin Dimekratik saints ! Ts^'ever ! Forbid it, hevin ! Marry the jentle virgin Peese to a soljer drcnchd in goar! I, IN'asby, forbid the bans! The trooth is, we air gittin wild. A man can't look 2 ways without doin wiolence to his orpins uv viszhen. Ef persistid in, he 'd bekum cross- eyd. We commenst with our facis southward. Ther our hope lies. Let us keep our eyes that way. Ef we nominait a war man, and turn a back spring onto a war platform, wat better air we than the Gentiles? Sech jimnastics are purty to see, but they rench the jimnastist. No ! let us go on ez we begun. Ez peece men, our case is not hopeless. The new and uncon- stooshnel tax onto whisky keeps the orthodox Dimokrasy strate, (tho at our expense,) and a lucky Confedrit wictry in the spring wood turn the week-need war men in2 peese howlers. Good heviiis! air we insane? Shel we throw away sech wci)ins ez taxis, conskripshen, nigger, free speech, et scttry, and bow the knee to Linkin ? Xever ! \^'at we want is these : 1. A peese man for a candy da it. 2. Moar marters. Ef the outrajd Vallandigum, and Jessee Brite, and George E. Pooh wood, for 162 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. the good iiv the l^arty, consent to be driven to desprashen by the tyranny uv the Administra- shen, and commit sooiside, it wood be a trump card for us. Wat movin appeals we cood make over ther ded bodiz. I '11 rite to em on the subgik. 3. The formashen uv Ade Sosietis to defray the expensis uv the campane, wich will be enormus, owin to the tax on whisky. 4. Confedrit victrys, and lots uv em, wich not only kills off Ablishn voters, but dishartens the war men North. 5. The libra! preechin uv a pure gospil, un- taintid with Ablishnism. With these we kin win ez ezy ez I usd 2 turn jack frum the bottom, wen I wuz in a stait uv unrejenerashen. A peese Dimekrat for President! 0, happy thot! The forrin mishns! The custom howsis! The post-orfises ! In short, the trezry ! Let us be wise, and these is ourn. Petroleum V. JN'asby, Faster uv sed Church, in charge. PREACHES — "the PRODIGAL SON." 1G3 XLIV. PREACHES — SUBJECT: "THE PRODIGAL SON." Church ut the Noo Dispensashun, January the 31si, 1864. } My Brethren and Sisteren : I shall make sum remarks this mornin based upon the bootiful Parable of the Proddygal Son. I wood reed 2 yoo the passij, but the Bible I liev is the only wun in the township, and I lent it yisterday 2 Square Gavitt, who sed swarin witnesses on almanacs woodent do in hoss cases, and he hasent brung it back. The skripter sez, in substance: Ther Avas a certin man who hed 2 sons. The yungist hed a taist for that branch uv agricultoo- ral persoots known ez sowin wild oats; so he askt the old man for his sheer uv the estait. He got it, turnd it into greenbax, and went off. He commenst livin high — hording at big hotels, and kecpin trottin bosses, and playin bilyards, and sich. In about a year he run thro his pile, and wuz ded broak. Then his credit playd out, and he wuz in a tight place for his daily bred. The idee struck him that he hed better put for hum, wich he did. The old man saw him a cumin, and ho 164 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. run out and met him, and giv him a new cote, and a order for a pare uv shoes, and kild a fat caff, and hed flour doins. The oldest boy ob- gected 2 these, sayin, "Lo, I hev servd thee these menny yeres, and thou never madest no splurge over me, but when this thy son, who hez fooled away his pile, returns, you kill calves and sich." Then the old man retorts, sayin, "My son who wuz lost is found; the sheep who went astray is cum back; let us be merry." My brethren, this parable applize ez well to the present time ez though it wuz made for it. Uncle Samyuel is the old man, the Suthern wing uv the Dimekratik j^arty is ' the proddygal, and the Abolishnists is the oldest son. The South got tired, and went off on its own hook. It hez, I make no doubt, spent the heft uv its substance, and will shortl37- conclude to cum home. ISTow, the grate question uv the hour is — How shel he be reseeved? My frends, the Dimekratik rool is to foller the scripter wen yoo can make a pint by so doin. In this pertikeler case, godlinis is gane. Halleloogy! therefour, let us be godly. Let Uncle Samyuel see the repentant proddygal afar orf — let him go out to seek him, er send Fernandy- wood, and when he hez found him, let him fall, not upon his neck, but at his feet — let him put on PEEACHES — "the PRODIGAL SON." 165 • to him the purple robe, wich is royalty, and upon his hand a ring, wich is dominion, wich is a im- provement upon Scripter. But the Abolishnist, who is the elder son, steps up and sez: "jS'ary. He wuz a doin well, and he wented out frum us, takin awl that wuz his own, and sech ez he cood steel, all uy Avich he hez spent upon such harlots as Afrikin Slaivry, Stait Rites, and Suthern Independence, wich last two menshund is whited sepulkers. I sent my sons, Grant, and Rosycrance, and Bcnbutlcr after him ; but, lo ! wen he wuz strong and wiggerrus, he did despitefully use them. Now that he is week from hunger, let him brindle. Ef we take him to our buzems, let him cum on his knees; let him cast off the harlots that hev sedoost him, that ther may be no moar trubble in all the land." My brethren, we must taik him back ez the old man did in the Bible. Why? do you ask. Be- coz he wuz alluz the old man's pet, and had things his own way. We wuz his frends, and shared with him the steel ins, but sence he went out, the Abolishn brother and his frends hev con- truld things, and wliare air we? Eko ansers, No- wliair ! A\'c okepy low plasis in the sinagog, and the doggery-keepers go mournin about the streets, and refuse to be comforted, becoz ther cash is not, 166 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. and ef we talk back the proddygal, shorn of his strength, uv what avail is he to us ? He must cum back ez strong as ever; he must bring his harlots with him — he must ROOL ! Then shel we hev the post-orifises, and then shel we agin live on the fat uv the land, dodgin the cuss uv labor. Brethrin, let us be dillygent in this grate work, instant in seeson and out of. seeson. A collecshun wuz takin up for the purpus uv sending a mishunary 2 Massychusits, wich yeelded 7 dolars. Ez the amount woodent pay the rale- rode fair, it wuz voted to apply it on repairs on the church, wich I did by havin my boots haff- sold, and buy in a new hankercher. Petroleum Y. Nasby, Faster uv sed Church, in charge. DREAMS. 167 } XLV. DREAMS. Church ut the Noo Dispensashun, February the 6th, 1864. I AM no speshel bleever in dreems. The gulf atwixt the material and immaterial worlds is 2 wide to be spand by the bridj iiv sleep, or if spand at all, the way is 2 narrer to make safe even the passij uv a nite-mare. [Poeticle idee.] Still, the sperit may, wen loost frum its lode uv clay, sore oif in2 the dim fucher, and retane a porshen uv its impreshns when it agin okepies its prison-howse. Last Saterdy nite I hed a dreme. I hod bin a rcdin " Cotton is King." and seeh works, aidin my understandin with frequent drafts frum a bottel containin " nacher's last best gift 2 man," and I fell in2 a gentel slumber. I dreemd that the Confederasy hed bin successful, that it carried out its orijinel idee, and hed subjoogatid the Northern Staits. GefFerson Davis wuz roolin at Washington, under the title uv " Gefferson I, Em- pror uv all the Amerikys." The Senit and Hows uv Repscntativs hed bin dun away with by de- 1*68 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. crees, and the biznis uv governin wuz dun solely. by the empror and his ministers. All to wunst I wuz in Washington, a rolein along in a gorjus carige. I wuz sumwat surprizd at my persnel apperans. I wuz drest in flesh-culered tites, with sandels on my feet, with dimund buckels onto em, and on my hed wuz a crown, makin me resemble a play acter I seed wunst a playin Richerd. Sud- denly the carige stopt, and I alitid, and assended the steps uv the palise. It was a resepshun, and a chamberlin wuz announcin the gests ez they arriv. "Earl von Seymor!" "Count de Rich- mond!" "Markuis Fernandywood! " and, ez I stept forerd, wat a gush uv exstasy thrild thro my vanes as the chamberlin (who wuz little Samcox,) showtid, "DOOK DE NASBY! " 0, wot a mo- ment ! My dreems continnerd. Methaw^t the nobility wuz made up uv the offisers uv the Confedrit armies, and sech JSTorthern men ez hed bin troo to the Confedrisy. The JSTorthern Staits hed bin diwided into dookdums, and erldums, and sich — my territory extending forty miles eech way frum Wingert's Corners, whair my dookal palise wuz sitooated. Niggers wuz dun away with, ez all the whites, excepting the privligd classes, wuz serfs, wich effectooally settled the question uv NASBYd DliEAM UF UKKATNKSS DREAMS. 171 Afrikin slaivry. The nobility ownd the land, and the inhabitants wuz all peasantry, payin to the lord uv the soil 4-fifths iiv the produx. I wuz livin in stile. We hod subjoogatid the Abolish- nists, and wuz usin their leadin men ez our meen- yels. 0, it wuz magnificent and gorjus! I arose cvry mornin with Sumner a holdin a bason, and Waid a pourin uv perfoomd water over my hands, after wich Chase dryd em with towels. They wuz my servance ! Poetikle justise. In short, Gefferson Davis, ez soon as he lied the power, hed declaird the idee uv men governin themselves a failyoor, and hed revivd the old foodel system. France and England hed assisted him in cstablishin hisself, and hed jest got the thing into good runnin order. One seen in my drcem filled me full uv joy. I thot I wuz in my dukel robes, in my ancestrel halls, overlookin my Stewart (W. Dennison) a reseevin triboot frum the happy peasantry, wen I notist among em sum who hed refoosed me credit in the days uv the Republic. Rage filled my sole. "Away with the hory miscreance!" showtid I to my armd servi- tors, " away with em 2 the deepest dunjun nceth the castcl mote! ha! ha!" Just then I awoke. It wuz but a drecm, but it left an imprcshen on my mind. "If we succeed in smashin Lincoln 172 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. and his guverment," thawt I, "a monerkey must ensoo, and, who nose, I may yet be Dook de Nasby!" Filled with new zele, I resoomd labor on my sermon for the morrer, on the unconstoosh- nality uv the puttin down rebelyuns with mus- kets, with renood wigger. Petroleum Y. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. XLYI. TRIES TO AWAKEN AN INTEREST. Church uv the Noo DisPBxsASHxm, February the \Oth, 1864. [TO,) i. ) The old Dimokrasy hez lost its anshent sperit. I know not why, but a gloomy forebodin ez to our fucher hez hed poseshun uv my sole for sevral weeks past. I notist that the farmers belongin to my flock wuz a savin up greenbax, and hed quit callin uv em rags ; menny refoozd to contribbit to the Vallandigum Fund, and the colleckshun for the benefit uv the Confedrit prizners at Jonson's Hand wuz a totle faleyoor, in cons^kens uv wich I am doin without a overkote this cold wether, wich is unclerikle. And wuss than this — I hev TRIES TO AWAKEN AN INTEREST. 173 heerd, resently, members iiv the congregashun disciissin the skarsity uv labcr, and I actooally heerd wun uv em dam Geff Davis, instid uv Linkin ! I felt that suthin must be dun, and I set abowt to do it. I hed bin preechin considable on the subgik uv a nigger imigrashen, and ez the dislike uv nigger is cronic in the Dimekratik mind, I thot I wood stir em up with the nigger onct more. So I blackd myself all over, and puttin on a soot uv old cloze, I startid out afore daylite, pintin for Square Gav- itt's, who alluz wuz a invetrit hater uv the nig- ger. The old man saw me a cumin, and I spectid nothin less than a* bullet thro me ; but for the grate coz, I hed determind to resk even that. But, to my horror, the Square sed good mornin, and askt wher I wuz frum. I told him I wuz a runaway slaiv frum Virginny; that 32,000 startid the same day I did; and that the rest wood be along in a day or 2. I spozd he wood bile at this; but he didn't. He puld from his brest- ]iockit the family er old bottel, and inwited me to talk hold, wich I did, wondrin why he wuz so plesent to a nigger. Alas for Dimokrasy ! I soon found out. HE WANTED 2 HIRE ]\[E to work for him. Ez the words fell frum his lips, I well-nigh fainted; but my consternashen wuz 174 PETROLEUM V. NASBT. redubbled when he askt me if I coodent git him 3 or 4 more kulerd men! "Kulerd men!" thot I, in agony. 0, wat a softnin down frum the "Nigger" iiv a yere ago! Sadly I retracd my steps. \Yashing off my dis- gise, I felt, for the fust time in my life, utterly and entirely retched. Wen Dimekrats git to callin niggers "kulerd men," and want em to work be- side em, and drink out uv the same bottle with em, wat better air they than Ablishnists ? The fucher uv the Dimokrasy is, indeed, dark and gloomy. We can't move the peeple ez we ust 2. They pay the taxis, and say they aint so hevy after all. They hev diskiverd that guverment munny is n't wuthless ; they won't talk eny more about resistin the draft — on the contrary, they are raisin munny to send Dimekrats into the army, wich alluz cums back rantin Ablishnists, a nockin down peese men and forsin em 2 talk the oath. Farmers endoor the high prices uv prodoose yviih. a pashense and ekanimity wonderful to behold. Yisterday Bill Sipes sold his sorril mare for $150, and insistid on lievin his pay all in greenbax. I warnd Wilyum uv the risk he wuz runnin in keepin so much uv that stuff, wen he impudently exclaimed, "Stuff! hay! Old N'osey, that's playd out." TRIES TO AWAKEN AN INTEREST. 175 "Old Nosey!" "Playd out!" This to his spir- itooal father, his paster, and gide ! Whair air we driftin? Wat we are to do to stem the tide that is set- tin agin us is more than I know. A good, decisiv Confedrit victry wood help us ; but, alas ! I see no probability uv that. It 's 2 lait to talk uv com- permise, for thers hardly enuff left uv the Sowth to compermise with. I 'm sick. I 'm sorry I supported Vallandigum. I wish I hed bin a war man. My congTegashen is gittin look-warm, and don't pay ther qwartrage reglar, and the grosry- keepers air intimatin that before long I must be- gin to pay for my licker! Wher will it end? Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 176 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. XLVII. RECOMMENDS UNANIMITY. Church uv the Noo Dispensashttn, \ February the 19th, 1864. I In my boyhood's daze, wen life wuz all a dreme, my buddin genius wuz bein deweluj)t a a loggin with oxen. Wun team I hed, wich got insain wun day, and insted uv pullin at the log, ez well-regelatid oxen do, they histid theirselves around, facin each other, and pulled until wun hed dislokatid his neck, and the other I kild with a stun in a fit uv richus rage, and they fed the ravens uv the valley, wich is figgerativ for the childern uv the nigger farmer my father borrerd em uv. And here let me say, that, for ginooine, syentific borrerin, the old man wuz ekaled by few, and serpast by nun. He borrerd a boss uv a dokter, in colera time, wich wuz brillyant; but his shay doover wuz borrerin a new overkote uv a reddy-made clothing man, whose naim wuz Sol- omons. His last grate feet wuz borrerin a boss, lait wun nite, for wich he wuz sent 2 the peniten- shary, bekoz he omitted hevin any conversashen with the owner aforehand. These okkerd in jN'oo RECOMMENDS UXANIMITY. 177 Gersy, and the owner iiv the property wiiz a di- rekter in the Kamden & Amboy, wich is the only okashuns wher steelin is punisht in that Stait. But 2 resoom : The parable uv the oxen applize 2 the Dimok- rasy with grate force. Like them, we hev faced about, and air pullin aginst cech uther. Ez neer ez I kin estimait it, the Dimekratik boddy pol- lytik contanes eight distink elemence, to-wit: 1. Them ez would nominait Micklellan on a war platform. 2. Them ez would nominait Micklellan on a peese platform. 3. Them as wood nominait Vallandigum on a peese platform. 4. Them cz wood nominait Vallandigum on a war platform. 5. Them ez wood favor the war ef slaivry cood be let alone. 6. Them ez air oppozd to the war in enny shape. 7. Them ez is in Canady, in consekcns uv drafts. 8. The betwixt and betwecncrs, who air ashamd uv our party, and aint sootalile for any uther. They air with Dimokrasy ez the jNIichigander is with his itch — wood like 2 git rid uv it, but can't. 178 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. These classis is pullin and haulin agin eech uther, and instid uv makin bed agin the common inemy, we air frittrin away our strength and time, a settlin among ourselves as 2 wat we bleeve. This is loonacy unekeld. Troo, we hev been un- fortnit in our political si)eculashens. We made divers and sundry ishoos, and hev bin beat on all uv em. We prophside concernin the strength uv the Sowth, the wuthlesnis uv paper munny, the immigrashen uv niggers, gineral rooin, et settry; but, alas! they awl faild. It wuz up-hill biznis yellin "JN'igger!" "Nigger!" wen ther wuz no nig- ger; it wuz hoomiliatin 2 talk 2 hours a convinsin people uv the wuthlesnis uv guvment munny, and then see a Dimekrat sell a boss, and rite under yer nose refoose to taik any thing but greenbax for pay. It wuz desprit hard work 2 talk uv ginral ruin, wen every body bed a pockitful uv munny, wich munny wood pay dets. These failyoors shood teech us wisdum. W^e shood decide fust upon what to bleeve, and then we must all bleeve it, and go to work to inockelate the peeple. It maiks nary diffrense to me wat creed we adopt; ez a Dimekrat, I kin go eny wun uv the 8. Wat we want is votes; and wat dif- frense duz it maik whether we git em by goin strate or by weevin a trifle. Ther air menny AGAIN REPUDIATES M'cLELLAN. 179 rodcs to the post-orifises, but ef we divide up and skatter our forsis over all uv em, we sliel be beet in detale. We hev evry reeson to be encuridgd. Davis is strengthnin his armies, and wun victry won by him will lay Ablishnism cold. Let us present a solid front to the foe, and go in to win. PeTEOLEUM V. I^ASBY, Paster uv sed Churchy in charge. XLvm. AGAIN REPUDIATES M'CLELLAN, AND GIVES REASONS THEREFOR. Church xjv the Noo Dispensashtjn, | February the 29iA, 1864. ) The ijeotic ijee uv nominatin Micklellan ap- peres to be gainin ground among the Dimokrasy. Whenever a party gits a goin down hill, it seems ez ef dubble-distild loonacy invariaribly talks holt uv the engineers, instid uv the cool, cam wisdom nessary to histe it back into assendensy. I obgect to the nominashen uv Micklellan for these reezns: 1st [and 4most.] We can't win with him. Who 's a goin 2 vote for him? The old hard-heded Peese Men, who objeks to drafts, won't, bccoz. 180 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. wile he wuz in command he hiid, in the swamps uv the Chickyhominy, the foundashen for a purty hevy draft; besides, he is still drawin pay ez a ginral in this unholy croosaid. The War Dime- krats won't, coz, ez a orfiser operatin agin the Sowth, he wuz not eggsactly a Napoleon. Indeed, a aggreeved frend uv mine frum Grorgy likend him unto a kickin shot-gun — dangerus only to them ez held it. He has n't the elemence uv suc- cess in him, ez I kin see. He wuz n't born uv poor but onist parence; he never druv horses on the kanal; he dident study rithmetic by the fire in a log-cabin ; neether did he walk bairfoot, in the ded uv winter, 13 miles, to beg a Congrisman to git him in2 West Pint. There 's no precedent for his nominashen. My 2d reeson is: 2d. Ef electid, he woodent be uv eny yoose to me and sich ez I am. Let enny Dimekrat who hez bin waitin for offis 4 weery yeres, look at this. Who is his frends — his neerest? Wy, Fitsjon Porter and that clan. I wuz a thinkin uv it over, and I bleeve it'll do ez a rool, that the court-marsheld and dismist orfi- sers air all Micklellan men ; and, wen I kum to think uv it, I never knew a deserter that wuz n't. Uv coarse he'd hev to pervide for em, and wher'd be our chanse? Wy, ther's enuif uv these to fill AGAIN REPUDIATES m'cLELLAN. 181 all the orfises, frum Secertary uv Stait down to the umblest post-orifis. Agin: Spozn that, ez soon ez he's elcctid, he shood conclood not to hev peese, and shood un- dertaik to finish the war hisself. It wood_be jest like him, coz he reely hez a ijee that he's a gin- eral. Then the sponsibility uv his doins wood rest with the Dimokrasy, wich Hevin forbid. To think uv us bein sponsible for a Peninsooler cam- pane! Uv coarse, the Dimokrasy wood then hev to volunteer. Think uv his leevin a hundred and 20 thousend ded Dimekrats atwixt Washinton and Richmond! He wuz all well enuff wen the men to be left with ther toes up wuz Ablishnists. It wood be sooiside on an onparalleld scale to trust him with that menny Dimekrats. Agin I say, Hevin forbid! We want a pccse man. There 's no room for us ennywheres else; ncether kin we face 2 ways. 1 wunst attendid a scrkus, and beheld with aston- ishment the trooly grate feets uv hossmanship and sich. Wun rider, who wuz also the moral and instructive injy-rubber man, wuz iiitoxicatid, and consectid he cood ride 2 bosses, eech goin a dif- frent way. Tyin his feet to the spiritid steeds, he startid em ; but, alars ! in a second he wuz ript in 2 peeses, and the arena wuz drencht with his 182 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. goar. Let us talk warnin by his sad fait. Our boss is not a war-lioss — his naim is Peese, and we must hev a man upon whose garmence ther is no smell uv blood. The gentle Brite, the grate Vallandigum, the akoot Fernandywood, the elegant Samcox, enny wun uv that pecoolyer stripe will do us, and give us ground to go on. Petroleum Y. Nasby, Paster uv sed Churchy in charge. XLIX. ORDAINS A MISSIONARY. Church ut the Noo Dispensashtin, March the 11th, 1864. } Last Sundy we hed an improvin seezn. Rob- bert Tooms Punt, who liez bin a studyin for the ministry with me for the past 4 weeks, wuz licenst and ordaind. He is a yooth uv much promise. He votid twict for Bookannon, and only 18 yeres old, swarin his votes in with a coolnis and eese that eggscitid the admirashen uv the patriarks at the biznis. I kin safely say that he hez whald moar Ablishnists, bustid moar Methodist, Breth- rin, and uther hetrodox Churches, than any Dime- ORDAINS A MISSIOXARY. 183 krat uv his age in the Stait. He licz a Lrilyunt fucher. After the usual qwestions wuz put 2 him, and satisfactroly ansercd, the congregashcn wuz dis- mist, and, in the presents uv the elders and de- kuns alone, I delivered the follerin CHARGE. Brother — Ilevin bin reglerly ordained, it only remanes for me to giv yoo a word uv council. Yoo air a goin in2 the apossel biznis at a rayther unfavrable time. Man, wich is born uv woman, hez trubble for his inheritance. I 've hed so much uv it that, of I hed it to do over agin, I woodent be born at all. The politikle hevins is orecast with poreten- shus clowds. The litenin uv Avrath is leapin frum wun to anuther, wilst the thunder, wich wuz w^unst at a distance, now rores angrily in our ears. (Grafic ritin.) The ole ship Dimokrasy is tossin madly onto the wild waivs, with nary a sale set, her seams open, the water (a fiirrin element to her insides) a rushin in. The stiddiest part uv her crew hev seezd the botes and abandoned her, and the rest uv em air a fitin for the helm. In the mean time the ole ship is dashin past the haven uv Success, and is hcdin strate for 184 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. the rox uv Destrucshen. To yoo is intrusted a part uv the work uv savin her. Let me entreet yoo— 1. Avoid the soljers. With them yoo hev nothin in common. They will despitefully use yoo. Wunst a party uv em made me drink a pint uv water and taik the oath uv allejinse, wich outragis wuz follerd by conjestion uv the bowils and inflamashen uv the brane. 2. Alluz preech agin the nigger. It's soothin to a ginooine, constooshnel, Suthern-rites Dime- krat to be constantly told that ther is a race uv men meaner than he is. Besides, it's safe — the nigger hez no vote. Ef he hed, we might vary. 3. Alluz hev a marter. The Stait-rites Dimok- rasy alluz simpathyze with a man that's in bas- teels for simpathisin with the Sowth, for nun uv em know how soon their turn may kum. 4. Preech agin amalgamashen at leest 4 Sun- days per munth. A man uv straw that yoo set up yerself is the eesiest nockt down, pertikelerly if yoo set him up with a view uv nockin uv him down. 5. Alluz diloot yoor whisky for new converts. It talks much to convert a Ablishnist, and ef yoo use the pure artikkle, it wood kill a ordnary con- ORDAINS A MISSIOXARY. 185 stooshn afore he 'd hev time to vote, wicli wood be aggervatin. 6. Sardi the skripters fathefully for sech pas- sagis ez "Cussid be Kanan," " Servance, obey yoor masters." and sich. 7. Learn to rede, or at least git the shaip uv the letters so fixt in yoor mind that when yoo qwote frum a book or noosepaper, you will hold it rite side up. Eddicashen hez bin a grate help 2 me. 8. Lorn to spell and pronownce Missenegen- egenashun. It's a good word. The grate leadin ijces uv our sekt, wich it is yoor dooty to inkulkait, is these : The nigger 's a ape, Linkin a goriller, Jeff Davis a chrischen gen- tleman, the rebcllyun a struggle for rites, the sol- jer a bluddy tool, Benbutler a beest, et settry. Yoo air noA'er 2 bleeve in Fcdral victrys, but must alluz credit Confcdrit successes. I woodent advise yoo to let yoor faith in the Confedrisy go so fur as to talk their skrip on yer salary, neether wood I burn greenbax. I hev dun. Go, my brother. Let yer polar star be Dimokrasy, yer rallyin cry, "The Yoonyun ez it wuz — the Con- stooshn ez it is," wich is latitoodhius ; fite the good fite, and the day will cum wen yoo kin lay orf yer armor, and with " T. M." after yoor naim, 12 186 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. engoy the repose that alluz follows well-directid and wiggerus effort. Brother Punt startid to-day for Suthern Illinoy, wher he hez a congregashen. Petroleum Y. Xasby, Paster iiv sed Churchy in charge. L. WILL SUPPORT M'CLBLLAN. Church uv the Noo Dispens^^shcn, April the 1st, 1864. } I AM a reeznable man, and am distingisht for not quarrelin with my bred and butter, perwidin I kin assertane the lokashen uv the bred and butter aforesed with any reznable degree uv ser- tenty. Akootnis in the matter uv bred and butter is a trate in all uv the Nasby family, ceptin warn, who is carryin a muskit at |13 per munth, for prinsipple, ez he sez. We hev repoodeatid him. The Dimokrasy appere to want Micklellan. Ef he is the only man we kin elect, I am kontent. I hev alluz bin a peese man, but expeejens}^, which is the classikle fraze for bred and butter, mite in- doose me to flop. I am ust 2 sich. For a Dim- ekrat who hez votid Bank and Anti-bank, Tariff WILL SUPPORT m'cLELLAX. 187 and Anti-tariff, SLavery and Anti-slavery, Xc- brasky and Anti-Xebrasky, and who licz sum- times bin on both sides uv the saim question to wunst, for sich a wun, I say, to hesitait now wood be like the man in the Skripter, who straned at a gate and swallerd a saw-mill. Let Micklellan give bonds to perform as folloze, and I 'm his huckleberry ; otherwise I 'm agin him, wun and indivisible, now and furevcr. I want him to stipelatc: 1. That the deserters and dismist orfisers, sich ez Fitsjon Porter, et ah, shel hev not over haff the appintments, givin us a fair show. 2. That he shel patch up a peese with his Suth- ern frends ez soon ez possible after his innog- gerashen. 3. That ef it shood be decided that the interests uv the Dimekratik party reqwire a continooence uv the war, and a appele shel be made for Dim- ekratik volunteers, he shel not, under enny ser- kumstancis watever, at eny time, er in eny plais, interfere, in eny shaip, with the manijment u\- tlio armis, ceptin them as may be drafted from Ab- lishn dcestriks. 4. That, ez a garanty that justis shel be dun them ez hez fought the soljers in the North, the follerin Cabbynit shel be appinted: 188 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Fernandywoocl, Sekortary uv Stait. Jesse D. Brite, Sekertary uv War. Sammedary, Sekertary uv the JSTavy. F. Peerse, P. M. Genral. 5. These shel hev the fust pick uv the orfises for ther frends. (Ez nun uv em ever hed a frend m the Fedral armies, the peese men wood be per- fickly safe under this arrangement.) Let MickleUan maik these pledgis, and I '11 sup- port him, and bring with me my entire Church. I will deny all I ever sed agin him. I will maik affidavits that he is the fust genral uv the age. I will sware to bein a original Micklellan man, alluz recognizin in him a master mind, and the only man capable uv savin the country, and maik sech uther affidavits ez may, frum time to time, be nessary. Let this be dun and we may possi- bly beet Linkin. Peteoleum y. Nasby, Faster uv sed Church, in charge. GIVES THANKS. 189 LI. GIVES THANKS. Chukcii uv the Noo DisPENSAsniry, May the 4th, 1864-. To THE Fatheful : The recent wictrys acheevd by our fronds in the Sowth is worthy uv speshel thanksgivin. I ther4: direct that the follerin sam shel be chantid in evry church on the last Sundy in May: a SAM UV pkaze! I wuz cast down and trodded under foot. Becoz the wicked wuz exalted, and the saints wuz umbled. Becoz the people worshipt Linkin and spat upon Yallandigum; becoz they trustid Chais, and woodent hev nuthin to do with Fernandywood at no price. Becoz the hosts uv Linkin pervaled over the hosts uv Jeff. There4 my mind wuz trubbled and my sole wuz constipatid. And I cast ashes upon my hod, and bcwalid, sayin : Wo is me. 190 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Linkin will agin sit in high places — him and his servance — and we shel hunt our holes. Ther shel be uv apintments and places uv profit a thowsand and ten-skore, but for us nary wun. Our enemies shel hev post-orifises and shel be clothed in goodly raiment, while we shel hev to dig or beg. Our food shel be sorrer, and our whisky shel be made week with our own teers. Thus weptid we. But our sorrer wuz turnd to goy and our wail- ins to gladnis. For Forrest hath smoted the niggers at Fort Pillow, and sj)ared not one. [Hunky.] And Dick Taylor hez whipt Banks at Red River. [Hunky.] And Hoke hez tooken Plymuth, and slayd the defenders thereof. [Hunky.] And Lee, him who aforetime spiled Micklellan, and Burnside, and Hooker, shel chaw up Grrant; yea, he will bust him. And he shel talk Washinton; and Linkin, and Chais, and Seward shel be hung upon a gallus forty kubits. Then shel the fatheful hev ther rewards, and be happy for keeps. For niggers shel be plenty, and evry wun shel GIVES THANKS. 191 hev uv them men-servance and made-servance, and home-made servance, and conkebines. And the rivers shel be whisky, and the banks thereof sugar, and the fatheful shel drink their fill. And I shel borrer no more ; for, lo ! I shel revel upon the spoils uv the Abolish. And my noze shel shine ez the fire, and my face shel glisten with fatnis. Sing a new song, my peeple, for uv lait did ye sing small! Maik a joyful noise, for yer enimiz shel be put under yer feet, and you shel hev post-orifisis. Note to the Pasters. — Ef Grant whips Lee, maik a fast uv the day, and omit the last hafi' uv the sauL Petroleum Y. Nasby, Faster uv sed Church, in charge. ld'2 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. LII. WAILETH. Church tjt the Noo Dispensashun, ] May the IQth, 1864. I ^ To THE Churchis: A clamity hez befallen us! Lee is whald. This afilickshen hez bin sent for sum good perpus. We hev not bin fatheful, and hev bin chastizd. 0, how we must hev neg- lectid our dootis, to hev brot this upon us ! Hev we resistid drafts ez we shood? Hev we bin in- stant, in seezn and out uv seezn, in killin niggers? Hev we used doo dillygense in mobbin hetrodox Churches? For these and uther short-cumins we are now j^ayin. The follerin sam uv hoomilia- shen will be chantid on the sekund Sundy uv Joon, in all the Churchis in my dyocese: A wale! Lift up yer voices mournfly, my people ! Howl, ye saints ! howl like unto the hungry wolf, and the disapinted jackal. Cry out like wun who hath a grate pane — like him who suffreth with bellj^-ake. Cast ashes upon yer hed, Fernandywood, and clothe yerself in sack-cloth. WAILETH. 193 Hcv anutlier coleckshun taken up, Yallandi- gum, and pay yer board a yere or 2 in advanse, for yer exel is lengthend. Weep and wale, and nasli yer teeth, Dimok- rasy, for yoo liev bin measured, and yer coffin or- dered, and the day uv yer funeral apinted ; and, lo ! the corpse will be reddy. For the biter hez bin bit ; yea, the strong man hez bin overkum. Grant, who wuz to hev bin whipt, wuz not whipt; on the contrary, quite the reverse. And Lee, him we sot our harts upon, hez bin beeten, and grate hez bin the slawter uv his host. And Beest Butler will take Richmond, and will not be hangd, ez we prayd. And the Confedracy will be strangled, and Liiikin will be President, and the offisis will be lost to us forever and forever. Uv wat avale to us wuz Fort Filler, or Ply- muth, or Red River? Lo! they were but flea- bites on the back uv a giant. For in Verginny hev we bin chawd up, egre- And our week-kneed wuns, them ez wantid peece last month, hev bekum blud-thirsty, and hooroar for Linkin. Wale, ye saints ! 194 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. For we hev chained ourselves to a corpse, and the corpse stinkcth. Die, Micklellan, for yoo woodent sell at the rate uv a dollar a dozen, ef playd-out genrals wuz in demand. Thou, too, Vallandigum, for yer marterdum woodent win. Steel wiggerusly, Fernandywood, for it 's yer last chance. For wen the grate Sowth fiddled, did we liot alluz dance? and now that she dieth, shel we not go and do likewise? f Petroleum. I am well-nigh distractid ! For forty years the Dimekratik party hez bin 2 me, litterally, wittles and drink. For forty years hez it been my pleezin and profitable dooty to leed a Dimekratik flock, livin luxyoorisly oif uv the sheerins. My dreme is ore. In a few short munths ther won't be no Dimokrasy, and wat then? I aint adaptid to no other party. Wunst I undertook to pass myself orf ez a Republikin, at wun uv ther con- venshuns. "My jentle frend," did wun uv them remark, skanning my jigantik noze, wich is the beauty and glory uv my face, " my jentle frend, art thou wun uv us?" FREM0^"T'S XOMINATION. 195 "Verily, am I," sez I. "Well," sez he, looking at my noze agin, "ef yoo wiiz in my township, and wantid to act with us, I shood reqwire bonds." I mite start a grocery, but ef the Dimekratik party expires, wat'll that biznis be worth? In my old age am I bereevd. In tribelashen, Petroleum V. Xasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. LIII. FREMONT'S NOMINATION. Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, \ June the 2d, 1864. I Halleloogy! Now is the winter uv our diskontent made gel- lorious summer. The clowds that o'ercast the perlitticle horyzon is break, and rays frum the sun uv success hev peerced em, gildin the noses uv the fatheful with a rajence that whisky can not give. Honey hez cum out uv a karkis — good hez percecded frum Nazzyrcth. The Raddykcls hev 196 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. nominated Fremont! Halleloogy! They did it at Cleveland. I never votid for Fremont. In '56 I did n't like — in fact, I aboosed him. I laft at him for partin his hare in the middle ; I accoosed him uv being a Cathlic, and uv steelin cattle frum the guverment. Wen Linkin appinted him genral, I aboosed him agin, and more than ever wen he ishood his Emansipashen Proclamashen. But now I diskiver that I hev did him a grev- ous wrong. The most bekomin way a man kin part his hare is in the middle ; the steelin uv cat- tle frum guverment is a act that no man who sup- ported Bookannon can condemn, and his Abolish- nism — why, he 's to be pitied for that. Uv coarse no Dimekrat can vote for him, for ther is a triflin difference in our principples; yet about a haff uv the Abolishn party ought to do it by all means. John C. is the man for them, on- doubtedly. But wether he gits menny votes or few, his bein nominated is salvashen to us. Every vote he gits Linkin won't git, and then what The bair thot almost OA^erpowers me. We kin elect a Dimekrat ! This movement puts a new face upon affairs. We needn't be pertikelerly anxshus enny moar Fremont's nomixation. 197 for Lee's success; in fact, I bleeve it wood be better for us 2 hev Grant whip Lee and taik Richmond. For why? Becoz. Spozn about the time the Confederasy is playd out we elect a Dim- ekrat, and spozn that Dimekrat lets up on em, re- stoars ther niggers, pardons em, pays ther debts, compensaits them ez hez sustaned losses in the war, and penshens ther widders, woodent they let us hev the heft uv the orfisis awhile ? Uv coarse they wood. I segest that the committis who air takin up colleckshuns for Vallandigum send the munny forthwith to Fremont's Execootiv Committy. I shcl taik up a colleckshun in my congregashen immediately for that purpus. Reinwiggoratid, Petroleum V. jSTasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 198 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. LIV. NOMINATES. A TICKET. Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, ) June the 9th, 1864. At last lite brakes upon our darkend vision. I see it. We 're all rite. I scent post-offises a yere off. The way is open — let the Dimokrasy enter boldly. My ijee is FREMOXT and VAL- LANDIGUM ! I shel apply for a patent onto it. It 's our last and only hope, and ef the Shecago Convenshun do n't adopt it, the members thereof will prove themselves ijeots. Look at it wunst: 1. Marterdom is a essenshel to candidacy in our part}^ Who, I ask, is carryin a hevyer lode uv this artikle than these 2 grate marters? Fremont eggsild to Noo York, and Yallandigum a pinin on a furrin shear! Wat subjex for the illustraitid noosepapers ! 2. A variety uv principple is nessary, and this tikkit fills the bill in that pertikeler. Wat a range uv yee ! The largest and best selectid as- sortment uv principples in the markit ! The fiery Ablishnist, the bleever in Onezimus and Hayger, NOMINATES A TICKET. 199 the sympathizer Avith the Sowth, and them cz yelled for exsterminashun can be served at this shoj:), and can all be satisfied. 3. We 've got to do it. We 've expended much munny a gettin Fremont out, and in doin uv it hev endorst and adoptid uv him. Spozn we let him run, and nominait sumbody else — wat then ? We 've said so much in his favor — we 've labord so hard at provin that Linkin aboozd him, that we won't be able to git it out uv our people by eleckshun time, and half uv em will vote for him. The Dimekratik intellek is limitid — it can't hold 2 ijees to wunst, without gittin uv em mixt. 4. It is essenshal, in a i^ekoonyary pint uv vew, that we fasten the Ablishnists, for they hev munny, and kin bare the expensis uv the cam- pane, wich is hunky. Fremont hisself hez the Marryposy gold-mines. 5. We kin do it and be consistent. Comper- mise hez alluz bin a bam for Dimekratik wounds, and Ave must compermise — each fjiction sofnin down a little. The Ablishnists must give up ther Ablishnism, the pro-slavery men ther pro- slaveryism, the war men must give up ther war, and the peece men ther i)eece, and all yoonite on the brod and comperhensive platform uv upposi- 200 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. shen 2 Linkin, on akount iiv HIS CORUPTNIS! The fact that we wunst oppose! Fremont for the saim reezn, don't matter. I 'd ez soon accept a post-offis at the hands iiv Fremont ez enny uther man. I went out into the woods, last Sunday, to see wether I cood holler "Hooror for Fremont!" The fust 15 or 20 times it stuck in my throte, but after a hour or 2, it workt smooth. Dimokrasy is flexyble. Petroleum V. IN'asbt, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. LV. ADDRESSES JEFFERSON DAVIS. } Church uv the Noo Dispexsashun, June the 12th, 1S64. J. Davis: I address yoo in the bowils uv luv. I address yoo ez the hed uv that Church wich I establisht to defuse a gospil wich wuz suffishently elastic 2 save lokofokos and wimin-whii^pers, uv wdch classis I and yoo is shinin examples. I address yoo, 0, Gefferson D., ez wun frum the graiv, for, in a polittikle pint uv vew, that 's where I 've bin ADDRESSES JEFFERSOX DAVIS. 201 ever sencc yoo commcnst that little effort at in- dependense, wich yoo hev not finisht yit. I hev no dout that ewenchooally you '11 sucseed — nary dout. Troo, we made sum erers. In sposin wun Sutherner wuz ekal to 5 N'orthrin men, we wuz slitely sold. Also, wen we spozd the Dimokrasy uv the North hed the pluck 2 openly resist the tirent Linkin, we wuz deceevd muchly. Still, they hev dun yoo, perhaps, ez much good as tho they hed tuck up arms. But they did it in their own way, wich is sneakin. Evry animule goze at its biznis in a stile pekoolyer 2 itself. The eagle sores magcstikly thro the bloo empyriam at it ; the sarpint crawls on his belly at it. The shiv- elry wantid the life uv the guvment, and it sored at it; the ?forthrin Dimokrasy wantid the same thing, and it sneaked at it. But remember, 0, Gefforson, the fang uv the sarpint is ez dedly ez the talens uv the eagle. But 2 resoom. You've found the eagle stile uv doin things a hard rode to travil; spozn yoo try the snaik? Getferson, surrender. Ask uv the Northrin Staits that they each appint a commis- sioner to arrange the terms uv yoor kumin back. Name yoor men, and be shoor that Fernandywood uv Noo York, and sammy Cox uv Ohio, and the ever-blessid Brite uv Ingeany, is uv them. Ef the 13 202 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. goriller Linkin refoozes, wat then? Methinks we hev him. Let him refooze enny oifer iiv peese, and enuif week-need Ablishnists will jine the ranks uv the Dimokrasy, (wich is now, alluz hez bin, and ever will be yoors 2 kommand,) to en- able us to carry the next eleckshun. Then, 0, then, Geflferson, woodent the old times kum agin? Woodent they? Then, spozn he submits, and yoo disband yoor armies, and surrender on good terms, wat then? Can't yoo see that the people wood cry hozanner 2 us for bringin about a peese, and woodent we carry the eleckshun on that? 0, no! not enny! Yoo know wat wood foUer yoor return. The Dimokrasy uv to-day is the saim ez they wuz un- der Peerse and Bookannon. The Ethiop can not change his skin, ner the lepperd his spots, and ISToo Gersey is 'Noo Gersey still. Our kneez are in good workin order, and our bax is limber. We are a mule, saddled and bridled — mount and ride. To rool is yoor normal condishn — to serve is ourn. Rool, Gefferson ; all we ask is a long pull, a strong pull, and a pull altogether, at the trezry. That 's all. Gefferson, these segestion is frum a Dimekrat uv thirty years standin — wun whose record shoze no skratched tikkits, and whose nose no watered ox THE RETURN OF VALLANDIGHAM. 203 whisky. Do not throw em aside unconsidered. They 're yoor last chanse and our last hope. Yoo may win by fitin, but alars ! I can't wate 20 years for a post-orifis. Long ere that time whisky will hev dun its perfick work upon me, and I shel hev pcgd out. I want reddy releef, and that's wat's the matter with the entire party. Our weel, our wo is in yoor hands. Gefferson, be wise. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv seel Churchy in charge. LVI. ON THE RETURN OF VALLANDIGHAM. Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, June the 2lsL 1864. [UN, ) I- ^ GoY to the world — Yallandigum is cum! The grate exel, in defianse uv the cdix uv a usurpin despot, hez returnd to his naytiv sile ! Glory ! My buzm swells with emoshun, and I leep for goy. Wolkum, Vallandigum ! Overgoyd ez I am, my sensashens air not all plesherable. The return uv the distingisht cham- pion uv Suthrin rites is sumwat embarrassin. The trooth is, Vallandigum wuz not jest the man we wantid for a leeder. He hez tung, without 204 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. discreshim, wieli qwaUtis hez ruind menny buddin geiuises. Sccli men kin alluz succeed in kickin up a dust, but, forcliunately, they alluz git smoth- ered in it. Vallandigum's weeknis is — Yallandi- gum. Shet him up in a sekloodid spot, wher he hed noboddy 2 blatlier to about hisself, and he 'd expire in disgust in a week. 2 resoom. His return is unfortunit, becoz — What will we do with him ? Under his leeder- ship, we wuz bein redoost 2 a wery small pint, so small indeed that we wuz jest reddy to berry. At this crisis Linkin he ups and arrests him. Wat a turn that wuz for us ! It wuz a dubble-actin lee- ver that lifted us 2 ways, to-wit: we got shet uv Vallandio-um, who wuz a unmixt noosance here. It convertid a noosance into a marter, wich wuz wat we wantid, and give us ground to go on. Yallandigum ort 2 hev bin more grateful than 2 hev bustid this arrangement by cumin back. Hed he stayd, a poor exel on a furrin shear, a strainin uv his ize to git even a faint glimpse uv his nativ land, until the campane wuz |ds over, and then committed sooiside jest afore eleckshun, in a fit uv temprary insanity brot on by greef, and sorrer, and wo, and sich, it wood hev bin hunky. His funeral wood hev bin profitable 2 us, for he is like the jentle hog, a hevy expense ox THE RETURN OF VALLAXDIGHAM. 205 to his owner wile livin, and uv no earthly profit 2 him till he dies. Agin. Ther 's no call for takin up coleckshuns, enny more, for his benefit, and — away goze the cheef inkum not only uv myself, but uv haff uv the Dimokratik politishns uv the Stait. I shel hev 2 deny myself uv all luxooris frum this time out. Wat kin we do with him ? He heznt the nack uv sayin 2 things at wun say, and nuthin else will do us. Wen the party was a settin its face mildly aginst slaivry, to fool the Free-silers, he wuz for eradd3"katin the evil. Now, wen we air pintin mildly Southward, he 's declarin for em openly, in his usual loonattik stile. 2 konklood. I luv Vallandigum; but ef Lin- kin wood arrest him and immure him in the darkest dunjun in Fort Warin, or hang him, or marter him in enny manner, he wood trooly con- fer a favor on the undersined, and the entire Dim- okratik party. Then wood we carry his deceest karkis thro the North, with suthin to show on our chargis uv tiranny. But with Vallandigum at lib- erty and in good helth, the fust, last, and only vic- tim uv unconstooshnel usurpashen air gone, and with it our cappytal. Petroleum X. Xasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 206 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. LVII. DEFINES HIS POSITION, AND APPEALS FOR AID. Church uv the Noo Dispexsashun, Jul^ the del, 1864. '■} The Methdist, Presbyterean, Lutheran, and uther lietrodox Churchis, air, to-day, the most hefty obstikkles in the path uv the Dimokrasy; and, to successfully oj)pose em, I institootid the Church uv the 'Noo Dispensashun, uv wich I am paster uv sed Church, in charge. Wat the Dim- okrasy now want is Church extension : hents this appeal. Dimokrasy is bilt upon the one ijee that the nigger is a babboon. That 's our corner-stun — knock it out, and the entire fabric tumbles. The hetrodox Churches insist that the nigger is human, and that he hez a sole 2 saiv and fit it for the skize. This doctrin, ef it pervales, nox Dim- okrasy higher ner a kite. For why? Bekos : ef the nigger's human, and not a beest, wher's slaivry ? Ekko answers, No whair. Bekoz : the commandment sez, " Thow shalt not steel," et settry. Ef the nigger's a man, we steel wen we talk his laber. Ef he 's a beest, wy, then, we hev DEFINES HIS POSITION. 207 dominyun over him, and may use him ez we do the pashent ox. The pint is plane. The Church uv the N'oo Dispensashun, uv wich I am paster uv sed Church, in charge, devotes its entire intellek to constrooin the Skripters in akordcnce with the Dimekratik ijee. Sum uv our brethren, who still hev Methdist and Presbyterin sooperstishuns in2 em, appoUy- gize for their support uv the grate instooshn, by insistin that they bring the Afrikin over 2 this country for the purpis uv chrischenizin uv him. Away with sich nonsents ! I '11 nun uv it. Is it chrischenlike 2 ceeze a man in his naytiv land and bring him 2 a furrin shore agin his will? Agin: Ef that's evangelikle, is it proper 2 maik the forsibly evangelizd heethen work for his bord and wun soot uv cheep cloze, per annum, con- tinooally bein perswadid to renood effort by the cat-o'-nine tales ? Ther is grate gane in sich god- linis — at leest 500 per sent. Most ennybody will go in2 the mishnary biznis on them terms. I, week ez I am, kin bare sich a cross. Besides, wen yoo've got a cargo convertid, why don't yoo send em back? Dostest thow desire 2 convert their children? mizable subterfooj! Ef the parience wuz convertid, woodent tlie cliildrcn be? 208 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Ef that 's ycr ijce, what do ye sell em for ? Hev yoo took a morgaje onto em for expensis incurd in bringin uv em here, and hev yoo the power uv 4closin ? Bosh ! (A expreshun uv disgust.) Ef they 're human, they hev a warranty deed for their boddis and soles, the saim ez we hev. Hents, ez slaivry is nessary 2 the Dimekratik party, we must de- fend it on solid ground. Ther4 my Church, uv wich I am sed paster, in charge, strikes out boldly, and teeches that a nig- ger is a BABBOON— a beest. Wen wild, he 's enny boddy's property that capchers and tames him ; after wich, him and his young is abslootely his, to do with as seemeth good in his site. (Blakstun.) Troo, amalgamashen, wich alluz apperes to be practist wher the instooshn exists, is agin us, for wen a slaiv hez a man for a father, he 's only half babboon. But I never seed enny Dimekratik principple that hed n't a week pint in it. We want munny to establish our Church. We must send mishnaries to Northrin Illinoy, to the Western Reserve, and 2 Massychusitts. It talks munny for our j^reechers to live now, for whisky is 10 sents per drink, even in the most obskoor doggrys. Men and brethrin, kum 2 our ade. DEFINES HIS POSITION. 209 We liev no lack uv labrcrs in tliis grate vin- yard. Evry yere tlic utlier Churchis expel more or less uv their preechers, for irregelaritis in swappin liosscs, and for extreme conwiviality and sicli, wlio er ^villin to be reseevd in2 our buzm. They are reddy; all we want is means to set em aflote. Remittcncis uv 10 cents and upwards thank- fly reseevd. I 'm President, Secretary, Treasu- rer, and Bord uv Trusteez uv the Associashen. Remit librally and to wunst. The high karicter uv the offishary is suffishent garantee that the munny will be properly applide. Petroleum V. Nasby, Faster uv sed Church, in charge. 210 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Lvin. DECLARES FOR REPUDIATION AND UNION WITH THE SOUTH. Church ut the Noo Dispensashun, ) Jxdy the 10/A, 1864. I I HEV made up my mind that the Suthrin Con- fedrisy is a succeed, and that my fondest hopes is about bein realizd. Troo, the next blast that sweeps frum the Sowth may bring 2 our eers the nooze uv Lee's defect, but at present writin things is favrable. Wat follers ? It 's plane that the Dimokrasy kin never liv in peece with Noo Ingland. We cood endoor it wen we hed the Suthrin Staits 2 balense em at the poles, for wen ever wun uv em startid a noose- paper, or went a lectrin out West to spred JN'oo Ingland ijees, we suspendid the liberty uv the press and uv speech, by hangin the lectrer and smashin the press. Wich is Dimokrasy. The Xorth-west must cut oif from the East, with a vew uv jinin the Confedrisy. Uv coarse, them nashen woodent taik us with a debt on our sholders, for they wood hev to repoodiate it; and they air a gentlemanly stile uv peeple, who won't do a dirty thing ef they kin git sumboddy else KEPUDIATIOX — UNIOX WITH THE SOUTH. 211 to do it for em, wicli they hev never faleil 2 do, sence they bought up us Dimekrats. Ilents, they wood reqwire repoodiashen, wich we wood do gladly and willinly, for these reasons, to-wit : 1. It woodent tech menny uv the fatheful, ez them holdin greenbax and guvment bonds air al- most excloosivly Ablishnists. Therefour, it wood be a punishin uv our enemies. 2. Ez a rool, the Ablishnists wood leve the coun- try in disgust, wich is benefishl in 2 ways : givin the Dimokrasy clone sweep, and enablin evry in- divijjle uv em 2 git wun uv their farms — the only way we '11 ever git em. Then we 'd hev slaivry in the North- west. Eckstatic thot ! My hart dilates at the bair ijee ! I, IN'asby, who hez bin refoozd credit for likker — whose throte hez bin parcht becoz the dime wuz not — who hez bin obleeged to obtane his likker to sustane eggistense by stratejy — Xas- by, P. v., will hev a plantashen and — Niggers! Won't I demonstrait the sooperiority uv the An- glo-Sacksun over the Afrikin, by wallopin em ! Perhaps not! Won't I hev niggers for carpen- ters, and blacksmiths, and bricklayers, and sich ? Won't we clean out the i)()or pe()i)le, and estab- lish a giiiooine aristocrisy — ownin labor, instid uv liirin it? Won't we, the sooperior class, dodge 212 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. the cuss uv laber — fillin our quota uv sod cuss by puttin in nigger substitoots? Won't I spend my days a suckin cocktales and my nites at poker, sellin a family evry now and then to keep up financis ? Them 's happinis condenst — them 's my ijees uv a terresterial paradise. Hasten thy work, Lee ! Maik thyself strong, Boregard ! Be wise and bold, Jonson ! Go forrerd in 3^er nigger-killin, Forist! and 0, Da- vis ! (Jefferson) may yoo manij the helium ez well as they execoot yer commands ! These is my prayer ! For wun victry for Lee, and a short crop, addid to the taxis, and the drafts, and sich, will turn enuff week Ablishnists in2 peece men 2 bust Linkin, and elect a peese man. Then will I as- soom the speer in wich I am fitlid to move. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. NO WAR PLATFORM FOR DEMOCRACY. 213 LIX. SHOWS THAT A WAR PLATFORM WON'T DO FOR THE DEMOCRACY. Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, ) July the nth, 186-4. I ' It is probable, yes, I may say, tolable sertin, that P. V. N^asby, wicli is preecher uv sed Church, in charge, may retire frum publik life shortly. Why? methinks I heer the entire Dimekratik party, who hev long regarded me as a ornament 2 my seeks, and the wun altogether luvly, ex- clame. The why is plane to a massive intellek, wich is me — the good old Dimekratik party is on the strate rode to destruction, and, to yoose a raleroad mettyfor, onless it is switcht orf at She- cago, it's a goner, and the more it succeeds at the November eleckshun, the wus is its goneniss ! "Singler!" exclames a patriotic and sclf-sacri- licin Dimekrat, who liez a post-orifis in his beemin eye — "singler that success shood rooin us. Wy, that's wat we're goin for." Jently, my frcnd. Uv wat avalc is it to elect a President in sich a way cz 2 make it morally sertin to be defectid ever after? Troo, we'd hev the post-orfisis ; but, with a Ablishn Congris to 214 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. watch us, whcr'd be tlie chancis uv stcclin, nes- sary to our support? To eloocydait. The Dimokrasy hev postponed their convenshun till it is assertaned how Lee vs. Grant cums out. Ef Lee whales Grant — peece platform. Ef Grant whales Lee — ^war platform. N'ow the chancis air that Lee will be whipt, for the tyrent Linkin hez a spite at that grate and good man. Then we 're a war party, and go into the campane on the corruptnis uv the Adminis- trashen, and beet em, and git the post-orifises. Wat then? Wy this. The war is OUR war; the taxis is OUR taxis ; the drafts is OUR drafts, and WE wood hev the responsibility instid uv our enemis. Ez a matter uv coarse, Dimekrats wood hev to do the volunteerin, for it wood be their war, and the armies wood hev to be led by Dimekratik ginerals. Good hevins! Immagin 500,000 Dimekrats under sich ez Micklellan and Booel ! Wat a redoosin uv magoritis — wat a waste uv votin stock ther wood be! The troo polisy for us is peese. Ez a peese party, we are certin uv gettin the support uv these classis, to-wit: The stingy cusses, who obgect to payin taxis. The cowerdly cusses, who air afrade uv bein draftid. PLATFOE^r FOR THE DEMOCRACY. 215 EvTi'v draft and every new tax jest more'n adds to our ranks; so fast, indeed, that ef we cood stop the Methodist, Presbyterian, Lutheran, etc., revivals uv religun, and git whisky back to old prices, so that we cood afford to use it profoosely, we cood be in good shaip next fall. By bein a war party we lose all these people, and talk them out ; and, in the name of hevin, wat wood be left uv us ! Peese is our best and only holt, and, onless the party talk that dodge, I shel retire, for we can't win but wunst on war, and then the responsibili- ties we 'd hev to assoom wood be 2 much for us. The Dimekratik intellek is not hefty. Ez for myself, I 've no feers — I kin git along. There 's small groseries to be run ; and the retailin uv likker in a striktly Dimekratik community, where they'd work jest twelve hours — earnin enuif to carry em thro the uther 12 at my bar — has alluz appered to me to be the highth uv earthly bliss. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 216 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. LX. HAS A CLASS MEETING, AND DEPRECATES NEGRO- KILLING. Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. \ July the SOth, 1864. J Our class meetins hev bin sumwat neglectid uv lait. Sumbow, it is in our Church ez it is in the hetrodox — we air hot and cold alternitly. Last Sundy we hed a preshus seezn. Brother Siples spoak. He confest that he wuz a week mortal. He hed his ups and downs, bad. It wuz ruff on him. Wenever Grant and Sher- man hed a success, his faith faled him; and sum- times he hed difficulty in cumin to time even wen Lee whipt Grant. But he hed resently paid ^2 per gallon for whisky, and that stird him. With wun hand upon his 2 often empty jug, and tother pinted to heven, he hed sworn eternal hostility to them ez hed razed these prices, wich is Ablish- nists. If convenyent, he askt the brethring to pray for him. Brother Hopp riz. He hed his ups and downs also — rayther more downs than ups. His sole wuz full wen Forrist killed the niggers ; but, alas ! wo wuz on him wen Sherman flaxt em at Atlanta. HAS A CLASS MEETING. 217 'Now the skize is brite. Lee holds out hiillv, and tother day 4,000 niggers wuz kild at Petersburg. At this pint I interruptid Brother Hopp. The killin uv niggers is no coz uv rejoisin. AVat a destrueshen uv property ! 4,000 niggers at |1,500 per nigger, is f 6,000,000 ! This sum uv munny, even at the present Ablishn prices, wood pro- doose 60,000,000 nips ! Wood, 0, wood that I wuz condemd 2 consoom em all ! Ef them nig- gers hed bin white men, I woodent hev keered. Wy? Bekoz, Avliite soljers is" all Ablishnists. Do n't shake yer hed. Brother Gamp ; it 's so. Yoor own son, even, backslid. He it wuz who writ hum, a sayin that if he cum back and found that ole hipocrit, Nasby, a eetin chickings about yoor house, he 'd plump a ounce ball into him. Hipocrit ! Chickings ! Sich baseniss confirms me in my beleef in the doctrin uv totle depravity. I am no obtroosiv gest at the tables uv my flock. Troo, I ete; but wood eny uv em say that chick- ings wuz a equivalent for my improvin conversa- shen ? Ez for the paltry munny I borrer, I alluz giv my note, wich settles them transactions. 2 resoom. Every nigger killed inflaims our brethrin powrful. Immagin, my brcthrin, a Suth- ern artilrist a bringin uv his peece to bare upon the advansin enemy. He sees they arc niggers, 14 218 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. and his hart sinks. Neerer and neerer they cum. Seezin a glass, he vews em, and, horrer! in the front rank, "cloathd in soots uv bloo," he be- holds his indivijjle niggers ! Neerer ! neerer ! Fain wood he spare em, for them very niggers may be the uncles uv a half dozen uv his chil- dren, (wich is patriarkle,) to say nuthin uv the munny he hez inwestid in em. But no! The order is given! "Fire!" He pulls the fatal string, and ez he beholds his ow,n property a bleedin on the plain, he swoons away. My jentle frends, I make no dout that haff the cases reportid in the Suthrin papers ez sun-stroak, wuz frum this coz. Uther brethrin giv their experence in. The feelin is improvin sence the draft, and I hev faith that ef our groseries kin hold up till September 5, under the credit system, and too menny don't run 2 Canady, we will be able to whale eny Prove Marshell's forse they kin send agin us. Petroleum V. IS'asby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. STARTS A SOCIETY OF HIS OWN. 219 LXI. STARTS A SOCIETY OF HIS OWN. CnCRCH UV THE NoO DiSPENSASHUN, August the od, 1864. } I AM no " Son UV Liberty." Enny Dimckrat who can't stan a hevycr dose than that instooshn affords, ain't fit to hcv the elcctiv franchise exer- cised for him. I hev instootid a order iiv my own, wich is more aduptid 2 the Dimekratik in- tellek at hirge — suthin that they kin understand. Wat's the yoose, I ask indignantly, uv tellin our deciples that free speech is dun away with by Linkin, wen we are openly blattin Suthrin rites on evry cross rodes, without enny mentle reserva- tion watsoever? Wat's the yoose uv talkin 2 Dimekrats about habis corj^usses, wen haif uv em never had em, and tother haff woodent hev knode the yoose uv em if they'd a had em? Consents! My order, wich I call the "Anshent and Sub- lime Order uv Putty-backs," hcz suthin in it they kin understand. The follerin is a part uv the ritooel : The can- dydate is brot into the anty-room, (so cald frum the fact that he there antics up his inishashen 220 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. fee,) blind-folded. He 's frightcnd. A bottle is aj^plide 2 his nose, wich reassures him, for well he nose wher tlier's whisky ther's Dimokrasy. The foUerin dialogue ensoose: Queshun. Air you a Dimekrat? Q. Do yoo considder yoorself better than a nigger? Q. Air yoo afeerd yoor sister will marry a nig- ger, and do you want the Lejislacher uv yer va- rious Stait 2 maik laws a preventin uv her? Do yoo bleeve that a Ablishnist luvs a nigger better' n himself, his wife and children, his unkles and ants, and sich? Do yoo bleeve that this war, conseevd by John Brown and innoggeratid by A. Linkin, is bein carrid on by Ablishnists for the sole purpus uv freein the niggers and bringin uv em North, and elevatin uv em a inch or 2, so ez to git em over Dimekrats ? Do yoo bleeve that at Oberlin they feed nigger students on oysters and briled porter-house steak, and the whites on hash? Do yoo bleeve there air 800,000 niggers in the North now, and that the guvment intends 2 hev em all vote this fall? Air yoo willin 2 talk up arms agin this eleva- shen uv the nigger? STARTS A SOCIETY OF HIS OWN, 221 Will yoo solumly plej yoorself 2 vote tlie Dim- ekratik tickit without a skratch, and to rally iH'omptly to the kill in iiv Provo Marsh els ? The candidait, uv coarse, ansers all these ques- shuns in the affirmative, after wieh sum wun is huntid up who kin rite his naim, to wieh he maiks his mark, and he's inishatid. My sosiety is pekoolyerly adaptid to the party, coz it's strong uv nigger, wieh all uv em kin un- derstand. I never knowd a ginooine Sutliern-rite Dimekrat that dident consider the free Afrekin a disgustin obgek, and who ain't continooally strivin 2 maik himself bleeve that sumboddy's lower down than himself. Hents their anxiety to own a nigger, and wher that ain't permitted, their on- quenchable desire to kill wun. ^ly ijee is never to lose holt uv the nigger. He maiks us cheep cappytle, and is alluz reddy 2 hand. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 222 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. LXII. INDORSES THE NOMINATION. Church vy the Noo Dispensashun September the \st, 1864. i Gloey ! Micklellan, the nashun's pride, is nom- inaticl ! Bein a orthodox Dimekrat, the nomina- shen soots me! N^ominashens alluz soots ortho- dox Dimekrats ! In 30 years' experience, I never knew a nominashen that dident. Me and my Church wuz for peese. We wuz for Suthern rites. We wuz opposed to drafts, and had purchast revolvers. Ther4 the incomparible Micklellan wuz not our fust choice. The fact is, the grate George wuz a war man wunst, and wuz the original inventor uv drafts, wich don't make him ez acceptable to us ez he mite be. But ther's a excoose for him. The Dimokrasy must bare in mind that the unforchnit man lied sunk sum 85,000 Ablishnists surawher about Richmond, and ez he knew uv the prejoodis existin agin volun- teerin under him, he insistid on hevin uv em brot in by draft. It was all dun for the benefit uv the Dimokrasy, becoz: The Dimekrats drafted wood resist or run to Kanady — the Ablishnists wood INDORSES THE NOMINATION". 223 go, and, halleloogy! but few iiv em wood ever return. On receet uv the news I immejitly called my flock together, announst it to em, and giv em tlio follerin breef biograj)liical sketch uv our candi- date, ez follows: Gcor2;e B. Micklellan wus born uv rich but hon- ist parence, sumwher, in the yeer 18 — . (I luv accooras3\) The nationality uv his parence I am not shoor uv, but from the fact that all the bitter old Kno-lS'othins is a supportin him, I shood think he wuz uv Irish extraction. His great pint was promptnis and decision uv karictcr, and these quality displayed itself at a erly period. It is on rekord in the arkives uv the family, that he cried immejitly after he wuz borned, and commenst nursin within a hour. He wuz remarkable at skool for the same quality. Xo sooner did the clock strike noon, than young George wood promptly leeve the house. The fucher general wuz foreshaddered in the skill with wich he robbed melon patches. He made reglar approaches, wich were skillful, but his retrects wuz magnif- isent. He cood change his base bootifid — .shiftin from melon patchis to orchards with ncetnis and dispatch. Another peekooliarity uv young George shows how troo is the sayin, that "The child is 224 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. father uv the man." Wile George cood alluz very elahoritly stratejise hisself iiit2 a melon patch or orchard, he never stratejised hisself out with any melons or apples. He wiiz edikatid at AVest Pint, and wuz finally made President uv the Ohio and Mississippy Rale- rode. Here his decishun agin showd itself. He conseeved the bold ijee uv gravelin the road, wun mornin, at 31 minutes past 11. Wun yeer frum that time he announst to the Drektors that 17 la- brers and an ekal number uv wheelbarrers lied bin prokoored, and he wuz bizzy, at that time, per- fectin a plan for organizin uv em. 2 months after he announst his plan perfected, and that opera- tions hed commenst on a gravel-pit. 4 days uv brilyantly successful work follered, wen he an- nounst that he wuz obleegd to suspend operations, that 5 wheelbarrers wuz broke, and 7 labrers hed the diarrear. He wood reorganize promptly, and proceed. Reorganizin this forse, and perfectin a new plan uv approach, only okepied 8 months, and the work wood hev bin commenst by this time, had not the war broke out. The pay uv the Fedral Guvment bein larger and more surer than the Confedrasy, he relinquisht ralerodin and entered the Fedral serviss. His military career is knowd by all on us. INDORSES THE XOMINATIOX. 22."5 Suffice it 2 say, that no general wuz ever so be- luvd South, and so hated Xorth, wich wuz wat prokoord his nominashen. Sich, my brethrin, is our candidate. Let us all sink our prejoodisis, and elect him. The plat- form on wich he stands I endorse M'ith my whole hart. I hevent read it yet, but it must be good, for Yallandigum made it. The post-orfises, the treasury, for wich we hev bin waitin 4 long, dreery yeres, is Avithin our reeeh. Let us, my brethrin, go in and win. The cheerin for me will now commense. A collekshun wuz taken up to defray expensis uv the campane. $8 wuz reelizd, wich wuz paid over to me. I shel probably appere on the stump in a new pair uv pants. Petroleum Y. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 226 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. LXIII. THE CANDIDATES AND PLATFORM. Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, ) September the Sth, 1864. i The nominashens uv the Shecago Convensliun is made, and altlio they do n't soot me, I shall support em. Post-orfises can't be attained by us, thro Linkin — Micklellan is the way, and as a Dimekratik profit I remark, "Walk ye in it." But I 'm hevin a time with my flock. Ther 's more uv a diversity uv opinion than ever I saw among Dimekrats afore, and I 'm afeered that my jigantik intellek ain't hefty enuif to reconsile the diffrenses. I called a meetin last nite, in the hopes uv settlin matters and restorin harmony. I took the cheer, and made a few elokent re- marks. Brothers Siples, Spot, Hopp, and Gamp, who hev faith to bleeve they '11 respectivly hold the orfises uv assessor, collekter, postmaster, and prove marshel, on the strength uv remarks I made to em, wer enthoozyastik for Micklellan. They bleevd him to be the Dimekratik Messiah, razd up expressly to save the instooshn. They shood give him a harty, corjel support. THE CANDIDATES AXD PLATFORM. 227 Brother Punt, who boards mc on tick, und who furnishes me likker on the same terms, wieh is ez good ez I cood wish, and who cxpex payment wen I git a orfis, wuz enthoozyastikcr for MickleUan than any uv us. He wuz supprizd at the apathy that pervaled, wen so much wuz at stake. Ho perpozd 3 cheers for MickleUan. Brothers Siplcs, Spot, Gamp, Hopp, Punt, and myself cliecrd with the wildest enthoozyasm. At this pint Brother Guttle ariz. He hod heerd nonsents enuff. He wuz under 45, and wuz able-boddid. Consekently he jined the Sons uv Liberty, and bot a revolver, and had his rifle fixt. Wat wuz 2 be dun with them tools ? Wuz he to hev no oppertoonity to yoose em ? Wat he wantid to know, wuz MickleUan peese or war? Ef he wuz peese, all rite. He 'd as soon shoot i)rovo marshels under his banner, ez cny body's, but bein a peese man, he must shoot sumboddy. He hed a neighbor read the platform to him day l>e- fore yisterday. He must say he wu/ di/uiistcd. We are peese. We bleeve in State rites, in im- mejit recognishun uv Suthern independensc, and wuz opposed to coershun. To all uv wieh ho hed sworn. He did n't go much on oaths, but wen a oath sootid him he 'd keep it. Why did n't the convenshun say peese? Ei* he hed got to be 228 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. dragd in2 the army like a pecse lamb to the slaw- ter, he'd ez soon let Linkin drag him cz Mick- lellan. It wuz the draggin in2 the feeld that he obgektid 2 — not the man who draggd him. He wantid to know, he did. I replied 2 this misgiiidid man. I assoomd that magestic, lofty, penetratin gase, wich only 2 men in Ameriky possest — me and D. Webster. I told him that obejense wuz the fust principple uv Dimokrasy. The convenshun — our convenshun, hed nominatid — all we hed to do wuz 2 vote. Ef the convenshun hed saw fit to nominate a Avar man, on a war platform, it wood hev bin our dooty 2 hev votid it; but the convenshun wuz not hard on us. It accommodated us all. Air yoo a War Dimekrat? Wasn't Micklellan a gineral? Isn't he the inventer uv drafts? Didn't he ar- rest the Maryland Lejislacher? Air 3^00 a peese man? Did n't the magestik Micklellan endorse Grudge Woodward? Didn't he take the nomina- shen at the hands uv Vallandigum? Air yoo a Suthern man? Ask any Suthern gineral who he'd ruther see at the hed uv our armies, and he'd anser, in thunder tones, Micklellan! Then the platform. Is ther any thing in it agin war? Is ther any thing in it agin peese ? It is a a c- commodatin platform, halleloogy ! Brother Hopp, THE CANDIDATES AND PLATFORM. 229 who is a tliirstin after human gore, can slake his thirst at this fountin. To Brother Guttle, Avho wuz a peese man, this platform wuz the white- winged angel herself. I hev n't eggsaminecl it critikally, but I hev n't the slightest dout that the doctrine uv four ordinashen, or totle depravity, or elekshun, or free-grace, kin be proved from it con- cloosively. It 's a broad platform. Thcr wuz room on it for Fernandywood and Sam Cox, for Yallandigum and Seemore — the pyramid built on sed platform has room on the apex for Micklellan with his gory sword, and Pendleton with his olive-branch, lialle- loogy! Brother Guttle wuz reprimanded. I hev n't any dout that my Church will be a unit in sup- port uv the nominashens. Ef we cood stop the runnin 2 Canady in consekens uv the draft, I hev no dout we wood hev our yoosual majority. Petroleum V. Xasby, Paster uv sed Churchy in charge. 230 PETKOLEUM V. NASBY. LXIV. WAILETH MUCHLY. Chukch uv the Noo Dispensashun, I September the 15th, 1864. I The follerin sam uv hoomiliashen and agony will be chantid in every Church in my dioceese, all day, evry Sundy, until the Confedrits win a victry : A DOUBLE- BARRELD WALE ! — ^A CRY UV ANGISH ! In the valley and shadder sit we! Job hed biles, but he scraped hisself with a oyster-shell ! Naman wuz a leper, but he doved into the Jor- dan, and cum out ez good ez new! Sampson hed his hair shingled and wuz week as waterd whisky, but it growd agin, and he busted his enemies ! We hev biles and are rotten with em, but where 's the comfortin oyster-shell ? We hev leprussy, but where 's the Jordan to jump into? Our hair is short, and thar's whar our enemies hev got us, but whar 's the restorative to make it grow agin? WAILETH MUCHLY. 231 Job, and IS'aman, and Sampson, altogether, wuz n't as bad off ez we is. We kin throw in Lazzyrus with his sores, and the dorgs a lickin uv em, and then give em 50 in a 100 and beat em. For we nominatid Micklellan and Pendleton, at Shecago, and wun is a war man and tother is a peese man. The ox and the ass is yoked — their heads and tails together. And the teem is pull in viggerusly, but instid uv goin forerd, it 's goin round and round. Wale ! my peeple, for the ticket wuz n't war enuff, and Cass hez bolted ! Gnash yer teeth ! ye saints, for the tickit wuz n't peese enuff,. and Vallandigum hez bolted ! We tried 2 ride two bosses, goin in 2 diffrent direckshuns, and we fell to the ground. And both bosses turned on us and kicked us. And Micklellan hez no chance — he won't liev the givin uv the post-offises. Wah ! * And Sherman took Atlanta, and chawd up Hood! Wah! And Lee wants the Wcldon road, but he can't git it. Wah! * In korius — all 2gcther. 232 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. And Gov. Morton took the revolvers from the peece men uv Injeany. Wah ! And the draft won't be resisted, and the j^rovo marshels will hev whole skins. Wah ! Wale! For Maine and Vermont, wich wuz tired uv the war, and wuz a goin for Micklellan, hev voted Ablishn with a loosenis. Wale! For our rulers oppress us. They let their men vote in the army, but won't let our men vote in Canady ! Wah ! Wale ! For the Ablishnists shel hold the orfises, and we shel be numbered among the outs ! Wah ! Wale ! For in the fucher I see no way uv livin but bv work ! Why wuz I born in2 sicli a world ! Why wuz whisky created, ef yoo can't git it without a j^rice? Why wuz orfisis establisht, ef thern can't git em ez wants em the most ? Micklellan buried his thousands in the swamps uv the Chickahominy — he hath buried his tens of thousands under the platform he kicked over! The Ablishnists jeer us, and flout us; they wag their heds at us, sayin, "Go up, bald hed ! " And we hev gone uj^ ! Petroleum Y. IS'asby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. DESPONDENT. 233 LXV. DESPONDENT. Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, ) September the 2Zd, 1864. I I AM trubbled, and my soul is biistin with greef. The irrepressible conflict is onto us; it liez bin transferd from the Ablishnists 2 us, and it's burnin among us like the onquenchable fire. And wuss ; we do n't know how to remedy the evil, coz we 're in a state uv onsartinty — we do n't know how nor where we 're lame. When we got Micklellan nominated, I to wunst exclaimed, " Hallelooo:v ! " Here wuz fatnissf Here wuz a candidate upon whom the entire party cood yoonite. Ef a Dimokrat wuz rather inclined to human gore, we cood pint triumfantly to the fact uv his hevin bin a general. To a peece man we cood say "Pendleton," and to the Suthern sympathizer, uv whom we liev much, we cood prove that George B. never did the Suthern army wun-tenth the damage he did the Northern, and wuz ez eezy on em ez he cood be under the serkumstancis, and we put him on a platform that wood prove all uv them posishens. A can- -O 234 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. didate iiv sicli stretchibility, on a platform so ac- commodatin, methouglit ought to please every- body ; but sumliow it did n't. Pcese men won't go it, becoz it ain't peese enuff; war men won't go it, becoz it ain't war enuff; and the Suthern men won't go it, becoz it do n't recognize Suthern independence. Hentz, all that is supportin Mick- lellan is them uv our people who wants orfis — whose principples is salary and perquisites. The grate Vallandigum kicked out uv the traces, and telegrapht "All is lost!" Alas! how troo! All is indeed lost! Atlanta is gone, Mo- beel is goin, and Richmond is follerin soot. Da- vis and Lee, in ther extremity, hold out ther hands implorinly to the I^orth, and wat response do they git? ]N"ar3^ We air powerlis. Prove marshels kin arrest deserters at ther will, the draft will be enforst, and Linkin will be electid. Troo, all is lost! The Suthern coz is lost, the post'orfises is lost, the doggerys is lost! I shel emigrate to Canady. There the Dimok- rasy are in the majority — there, in that cold, in- hospitable clime we kin reorganize the party. It will soot us better. It 's colder there than here, and the system requires a greater quantity uv stimulatin flooids. The niggers we will enslave, and there will we build up a goverment based LAMEXTETH. 23.J upon the ijce uv the sooperiority iiv the Anglo- Sacksiin race. " The stun wich the bilders re- jected," et settry. In Canady will we find that pcese wich is denied us here. Mournfly, Peteoleum V. Nasby, Faster uv sed Church, in charge. LXVI. LAMENTETH. Church ttv the Noo Dispexsashun, ) October the lAth, 1864. i I 'vE cum 2 a conclooshen. I 'm satisfide that Pennsilwany, Ohio, and Injeany hev gone for Ablishn. I seed it in a daily paper. Therefore, I direct that every church in my dyoceese be draped in mournin, (the same we used when we heerd uv Atlanta will anscr,) and that the follerin sam uv angish be chantid at every servis, until wo git the returns from Xoo Gersey. Ohio! Pcnsilwany! Iiijoany! Pennsilwany is cussid, Ohio is cusseder, but In- jeany is cussidest. 236 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Weep, my people, for lo ! the hind sites is kiioct off us ! Grnash yer teeth, for the staits we counted on the most hev gone the wust agin us. Tare yer hair, for Voorhees is beet. Throw ashes on yer hed, for little sam cox is gone up. Array yerself in shoddy, for we 're all gone up. Ef sich is dun in the green tree, wat will it be in the dry. I am a fountain uv lamentations — they run from me ez doth the water from the springs. Can we look 2 the South for comfort? JNTay, verily. For Atlanta is gone, and Lee rageth in vain, and Early is chawd up eggreejusly. And Linkin, and Grant, and Sherman, and Sher- idan are lafhn with much laffter — ^they feel good. But their mirth is our wo, their meat is our pizen. Can we look to the North ? jS'ot any ; for that is a Sahara Desert uv Ablishnism, with nary a oasis. Wher is the post-offisis? Wher is the collek- terships, and wher the tother places uv profit? They are not for us. To the East we stretch our hands, and Maine ansers, " 'ror for Linkin ! " LAMEXTETH. 237 To the West we turn, and Injeany pops it to us to the tune uv 30,000. We hot revolvers in that Stait, and lo! we committid sooicide with em. We are a dove, a peece dove, shoved out uv the political ark. And the deluge uv Ablishnism ragcth wildly, and shows no sign uv subsidin. And we air weery, but kin find no place to rest our foot. Bestir thyself, Lee! if yoo wood save us in November. On yoo we bet our pile ; yoo are our anker and our cheefest trust. We preech in vane that the war is a faleyoor, while yoo air bein whi^^ped once or twice per day. Be valiant, for gold is goin down, and goods is goin with it, and the Ablishnists lafl' and the i>ce- ple is content. Whale Grant jist wunst, and give us wun more chanse. Lift us out uv the pit in2 wich we hev fallen — giv us solid ground to stand on. Then will our wailins be turned to joy, and our lamentations to songs uv gladnis. Petroleum Y. Kasby, Faster uv sed Church, in charge. 238 PETKOLEUM V. NASBY. LXVII. THE PLANTER'S LAMENT. Wieh wuz written by me, to the toon uv "/ wish I wuz a Angel," wich, s%nce the eleckshun, I trooly wish I wuz. 0, WUNST I WUZ a planter, A reglar F. F. V.; I owned five hundred niggers, Whose work supportid me. 0, dident I hump them niggers. And make their sweatin pay? I cat-o-nined the lazy, And worked em night and day. I had a gorjus carriage, Four hosses fleet ez wind, A fat nig on for driver, Two footmen on behind ; The hangins they wuz damask, The trimmins rare and rich, Jest ez they do in Europe, Wher they hev lords and sich. I went to Saratogy With flunkies in my train, I spent my cash by thousands, And when at home again. THE planter's LAMENT. 239 To make up the expenses, I 'd sell off nigs a skore, And to keep up the labor I worked the rest the more. Uv coarse, I went to Congris, Ez all the Lash-lords do ; I spent my nites at poker, At seven-up and loo. We bullied dough-faced Yankees, And made cm bow tlie knee, Ez umble ez our nijTt!;ers, Before the chivalrce. At home we huntid niggers. With dorgs and ketchers skilled; CJp North Bookannon's marshels The blood-hounds places filled ; Our sins, no odds how black they wuz. Did never trubble us, Our Northren friends wood sholder em, And take, themselves, the cuss. But all them days is past and gone; The Yank, at last, hez riz; He won't acknollij cnny more That we his master is. My munny JcfTson D. hez got, My niggers, drest in bloo. Air a fitin us ez owned em, And a whippin uv us too. 240 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. wat week worms we mortals is, Who never is content; We lied a good thing, but 2 git A better, let it went. We hed the bone, but let it go, To grab a glitt'ring shadder; We 've lost em both, and since hev gone From mity bad to badder. Lxvm. HAS A DREAM. Church uv the Noo Dispensashtjn, ) October the 2\st, 1864. i I AM no bleever in gosts or dreems, or sich, nor never wuz. Ef the tyrant Linkin, (wich is a ape,) shood draft me, and I shood be dragged to the tentid feeld, a unwillin marter, I know I shood much prefer meetin the gost uv a rebel soljer, wich is a shadder, than 2 enkounter wun in the flesh, with a muskit and baynet, wich is no shad- der. Dreems is likewise unsubstanshel, and result, 9 cases out uv 10, frum aboose uv the stumick. I dreem but seldom, and wen I do, I alluz attribit it 2 eatin a pound or two more sassij, or drinkin a quart or two more whisky, than I reel}^ need, late at nite; and I never bleevd they wuz pro- HAS A DREAM. 241 phctik, becoz I don't allow that tlie seat uv proph- esy is located in the stumick. These is my the- ory uv gosts, dreems, and sich. I hed a dreem last nite, wich left a impreshn on my mind. I hed bin preparin a sermon, provin that " Servants, obey yoor masters," justified the ketchin uv niggers with dorgs, wen I fell asleep and dreemed. Methawt I wuz dead, and hed laid in that stait 200 yeers, and hed awoken, and found myself agin on earth. I saw nothin pekoolyer. There wuz more ralerodes, and more skool-houses, and in2 wun uv the latter I went. The skool-marm wuz eggsaminin a class uv youngsters in histry. " Who wuz the greatist and goodest men the Yoonitid Staits ever prodoost? " " George Washington and Abcrham Linkin." "What did they do?" "Washington foundid the govermcnt, and Lin- kin preservd it." "Who wuz the wust men the country pro- doost?" A little gurl anserd : "Joodath Ithcariot, Benedict Arnold, Jeff Da- vith and Yallandigum." "Yoo air wrong, my child," retortid the skool- marm. "Judas lived in another country, and be4 242 PETROLEUM V. XASBY. the others. They were so simlcr, however, that the error is excoosible. What did Arnold, and Davis, and Yallandigum do?" "Arnold betrayed his country, and took up arms agin it; Davis rebelled agin his goverment, and Vallandigum helped him all he cood without get- tin hisself into danger." " What names were given them ez opposed the goverment, in '76 and '61?" " Tories and Copperheds." "Which wuz the wust, the Tories or Copper- heds?" " That pint hez bin much discust, but no kon- kloosion hez ever bin arriv at." "How menny times wuz Linkin electid Presi- dent?" "Two." " Had he enny opposition for the sekkund term?" "]S"un 2 speek uv. The rebels and Copperheds run a disgracd soljer, whose name sum historyans giv ez Mickfadden, uthers ez Micknellan, and uthers ez Micklellan ; but ez he reseevd no votes in the elektoral collij, the eleckshun wuz consid- derd unanimus. The Copperhed candidate sunk in2 obskoority after the war, and he wuz forgotten, wich wuz lucky for his children." HAS A DREAM. 243 I notist about haff the childorn lied on bloo ribbin ; one-fourth wuz drest ordinary, and the balence hed a white rag pinned to ther bax. I asked the skool-marm wat this indikatid. She askt me ef I wuz a furriner ; to wich I anserd, I wuz, a furrin prince in disgise, on a tower uv ob- servashen. She replied : " Them ez hez bloo ribbins is the descendants uv the soljers uv the grate rebellion; them with no dekorations is descndid frum loyal men who wuz not soljers; and them poor things who hev the white rag, [she bustid in2 teers and wept per- foosely,] are the unforchnit desendance uv — Cop- perheds ! " I visitid a court-house. The case they wuz tryin wuz slander. One man hed asserted that the great-great-grandfather uv another, who wuz a opposin candidate for Gustis uv the Peese, hed bin a Copperhed. Plaintiff brot into court a old paper printed in 1864, wich showd that sed an- cestor wuz on a Linkin scntrel koniity. Goory brot in a verdick uv |10,000 for plaintiff. I awoke frum this dreem in a cold swet. " Is it possible," thot I, "that posterity will so regard us?" and for a minnit I wuz almost persiiadid t(^ be a Christian. 15 ut I thot uv the post-offisis, and sed 2 myself, " What is posterity to a ded man? 244 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Let me hev offis, and the mencs uv keepin my skin full uv whisky without work, and posterity may think wot it pleezis." And I resoomed laber on my sermon. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. LXIX. LOSES A FRIEND, AND WRITES HIS OBITUARY. Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, ) October the 28th, 1864. ) A FILLER hez fallen ! Last nite, at 10 o'clock and 67 minits P. M., Issaker Punt, a dekun uv my Church, and the heftiest piller in the instooshn, in fact the only one who pade his qwarterige reg- ler, departid this life. Brother Punt wuz born a Dimekrat; he re- seeved the faith by inheritance, as his father wuz one afore him. And that faith he kept. He mite hev bin sedoost in2 the by and ferbidden paths uv Whiggery and Ablishnism, and sich, but knoin the frailty uv human nacher, he persistently re- foozd to learn 2 reed, and thus made himself sekoor from the wiles uv unscroopulus politishns. It wuz a butiful trate in his karikter that he LOSES A FRIEND. 24o wood never vote a tikkit that he did not git frum the hands uv a sentral committee-man ! Brother Punt commenst his polittikle life a votin for Androo Jaxn, when he wuz but 18 years old. The rigid moralist may obgect to this act, cz illcglo. It wuz obgectid 2 at the time, and the youthful hero wuz arrestid and impriznd, and he wood hev remaned in prizn two yeers, lied he not bin jiardoned out by a Dimekratik guvner, jest afore the next elekshun. We next find him bat- tlin for Dimokrasy in the person uv Martin Van Booren. At that elekshun he votid twice, and drunk 172 times. Ez he repeetedly remarkt 2 me, that day wuz a tryin one. The first hundred drinks wuz nateral — the balens wuz excess ; but he hed pledgd his township for a certin magor- ity, the candidates hed given him the munny 2 treet with, and he wuz determined 2 do it ef it cost him a attack uv delirium trecmens. He wuz alluz reddy 2 sacrifice his bowils for the coz. He manijd to survive Harrison's elekshun, and wuz activ in prookoorin Poke's triumpli. He mourned doorin Fillmore's rane, and rejoist with eckscedin grate joy doorin Pecrse and Bookan- non's. In 1860 he did n't vote for nobody. He knodc 246 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. Diiglis wiiz a Dimekrat, and so wuz Breckcnrij. He attendid meetins iiv both factions, and hoorayd viggerusly for both, but, unforchnitly, the com- mitty who hed furnisht him tikkits for yeers wuz divided — one-haif for Duglis and tother for Breck- inrij. He coodent deside wich wuz the reel Dim- ekratik tikkit, and so, on elekshun day, he went 2 the poles, and -went thro the moshuns uv votin with a peese uv blank paper. But he hed no doubts ez to opposin Linkin — he knode he wuz no Dimekrat, for both committy- men told him so. 0, with what goy he heerd the nooze uv the firin on Fort Sumter ! With what eckstasy he heerd uv Bull Run! No man in the North exhibbitid more ability in swarin at Lin- kin — no one cood retail 2 better advantage the lies the sentrel committy desidid to serkelait. Brother Punt growd low-sperited at the battle uv Stone River, and kept failin ez Linkin's dorgs advanst. He britened up a little ^ven Forist killed the niggers at Fort Filler; but Sheridan and the Injeany eleckshuns prostratid him feer- fully, and he becum so redoost that his likker hed 2 be fed 2 him with a spoon. Brother Punt wuz a consistent member uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. Before jinin my flock, it wuz his boast that he hed never bin LOSES A FRIEXD. 247 inside a meetin-lioiisc. There4 he rejoist at the oppertoonity uv heerin a pure gospil, in2 wich, ef the nigger wuz interdoost at all, he wuz put in and held up hand-cufft, wich is alluz refreshin to the troo Dimekratik mind. He despisd Ablishn preechin. Brother Punt's Dimokrasy wuz uv a broad, comperhensive karicter. He follered the party. Opposed to Stait's rites and secession under Jaxn, he wuz in favor uv both in 1864, Opposed to slaivry-extension in '48, he favord it in '60, and so on. The immejit coz uv his deth wuz this tyrannikle Administrashen. Whisky hod got so high that he wuz forst 2 diloot it, and at his age he coodent stan it. He died uv water on the stumic. I wuz with him in his last momence. His mind wandered, and he talked uv goin wher he 'd finelly hev a post-orfis. The doctor, who wuz a Ablishnist, unfeelinly remarkt, that ef ther wuz mails in the country he wuz goin 2, it wood be nessary to hev fire-proof mail-bags. Like all other grate men, he hed his last words (no mem- ber uv my flock sliel die without hevin last words, so long ez I kin write) — I writ em yis- terdy. They wuz: "Hev we carried Pennsyl- wany? — my coppers is burnt out! — put on my 248 PETROLEUM V. NASBT. tomb-stun, "He voted erly and often, and never skratched a tikkit." Ez winter is approachin, and I need a new soot uv klose, I hev determined to call upon the breth- ren for funds to erect a sootable monument to the memory uv this sterlin Dimekrat. Sums uv 10 sents (wich, sence Vallandigum's speckelashun, is the orthodox Dimekratik contribushen,) for this purpus, may be sent 2 me, with the asshoorence that it will be faithfully used. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. LXX. ISSUES AN "APPELE." Church ut the Noo Dispensasi October the 31st, SNSASHTJN,.) t, 1861 J Fello Dimekrats uv the Yoonited Staits: I address yoo ! JSTot speshally in the bowils uv luv, but from the bowils uv necessity; and from them bowils alluz cums the most agonizin cries. Next Toosday is the eventful day wich desides whether the post-orfises is to remane another four yeers in the hands uv the Ablishnists, or whether ISSUES AN "ArPELE." 249 we, who arc literally hungrin and tliirstin fur cm, shcl hev em. I appele not only 2 the Dimokrasy, but 2 the people. We hev lied 4 yeers uv onpleasantnis — 2 uv wich, after the grate Micklellan wuz dismist by a corrupt administrashen wuz actooal war. Wat hez bin the result? We hev overrun over the half uv the Dime- kratic Staits. We hev slawterd untold thousens uv good Dim- ekrats, who '11 never rally 2 the poles agin. We hev made it necessary for our Suthern breth- ren 2 run up a debt wich they kin never pay. We hev bombardid their cities and burned their houses. We hev stole their niggers and made cm fite their masters, wich is unscriptooral. A vote for the ape Linkin is a vote to continue all this, until the South lies helpless at his feet, shorn uv her niggers and Dimokrasy, wich is sy- nonimus terms. A vote for Micklellan is altogether another thing. It is a vote for a armistis — a cessashen uv hostilitis until we kin find out what the South want, and also whether the people is in a frame uv mind for givin. Ef they ain't, then the war will be continued, but in such a gentle and broth- 16 250 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. erly stile, that wc will soon be willin to kum 2 sech terms ez they desire. 0. my brethrin, imagin us back under the wing uv the Democratic Staits, with Davis and Toombs and Stephens back in the Senit, a releevin uv us uv all the trubble uv guverment, and a thro win 2 us sech offisis ez they do n't want 2 fill, with a prodygal hand ! the delites uv them picter ! It may be realised. I give the follerin few plane rools to be follered by our workin committis : 1. Do n't argue, unless yoo kin git holt uv a Ablishnist who can't reed, and then be sure yoo git him out uv the way, wher no uther Ablish- nists kin heer what yoo say 2 him. 2. Hev yoor knockin down committis on hand early, and be sure they are joodishus men, who will keep sober enuff 2 know who 2 hit. 3. Ef yoo hev a recent convert frum Ablish- nism in hand, keep him drunk by all means, no matter wat the whisky costs. Ef he is allowd to git sober, he '11 be very .apt to go agin us. 4. Git the fraudulent votes all in, early in the mornin, be4 too menny uv the enemy are on hand 2 be easily whaled. This is our last chance. Ef we fail on Mick- lellan, we 're gone in for want uv leeders. They ISSUES AN "appele." 251 must hev offis, for they can't live on credit for- ever. Rally, then, to the poles ! Remember the drafts and the taxes, and rally ! The opposi- shen tell us that we will be draftid and taxt, the same under Micklellan as under Linkin. It is probbyble; but 0, my friends, can't yoo see how much better it is, that yoo shood be draftid and taxt for the benefit uv yer frends, than for the benefit uv yer enemies! We who expect to hold the offisis kin. Then make wun last effort, and deserve the success I wish we wuz shoorer uv winnin. Peteoleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 252 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. LXXI. HAS A DIFFICULTY WITH HIS FLOCK AND LEAVES IT. Onto the Wing, November the 10th, 1864. The cly is cast ! All is ore ! Ef Freedom shreekt wen Kossikusco fell, she must hev squawkt last Toosdy nite ez she beheld the innanymait corpse iiv the Dimekratik party, which fell, crush- ing Little Mack, and the hopes uv sum hundreds uv thowsens uv good Dimekrats, who spectid to be persuadid by ther frends in2 acceptin the vari- ous offisis under the guvment. I am a lost and rooined man. My people are uv the troo Dimekratik stripe. They hev faith in me. They bleeve wat I tell em. I told em Micklellan wuz certin uv the elecshun, and that I hed ded-wood on the disposle uv the offisis in that seckshun. It immejitly bekum a eezy matr ter to borrer munny. It wuz deliteful — wood, wood that it cood hev bin perpetooal. Brother Savij lent me |50, with a request that I wood speek a good word for him for a furrin mishn. I assoomd a virchus look, and replide that I never sold my inilooense, but that I alluz had a ad- mirashen for his massiv intellek and menny vir- HAS A DIFFICULTY WITH HIS FLOCK. 253 choos. Brother Guttle lent me munny, wantin this, and Brother Sludge wantin that; in breef, evry indivijjle uv era who hed a forched a inch high, spectid suthin. * * * The returns cum in. Ohio — Linkin ! "Good! 'Rah!" shouts I, with grate presence uv mind. "Why good?" anxshusly asks the expectants. " Bccoz, to carry Ohio, the Ablishnists must hev brot votes from Noo York, wich will give us that Stait, shoor." Noo York — Linkin ! "Good Lord!" ansers I, promptly; "the Noo York Ablishnists must hev votid in Ohio, and hev got home in time 2 vote agin. But wait for Pennsilwany." Pennsilwany — Linkin ! "My frends, ther wuz fraud — Massy chusits sol- jers, at leest 40,000, must hev votid there. Li- jeana will do it, however." Injeana — Linkin ! "Not less than 40,000 Massy chusits soljers hev votid there. Illinois is safe, though." Illinois — Linkin. "40,000 Massychu— " "Give me my munny!" roard Savij, and the same remark, with variashcns, wuz made by (Jut- tie, Sludge, and the rest uv cm. 254 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. " Grently, my frends," sed I, backin out uv the door. "We hev bin defeetid, but the grate prin- cipple that a white man is better than a nigger, for wich we hev so long fought, still lives. Let us sink all miner considrashens, and" — The miner considerashens I referred to wuz, however, uppermost in their minds, for they all went for me, yellin like Cuscororious Injins, "Grive me my munny!" whereupon I retreeted 2 the meetin-house, lockin myself in. They surroundid it, swarin they 'd starve me out. When a innocent boy, I red a harrowin tale uv a Rooshn muther, who wuz persood by frantic wolves, and who saved her own life by droppin her children to em, wun by wun. My privit barel uv whisky wuz in my study — I wuz saved ! I histid it out uv a winder, and calmly awaited re- sults. They flockt around it — they took turns at the bung-hole. In wun short hour they wuz stretched helpless on the plane, ded drunk. Then and there I resined my charge, and borrerin sich munny and watches ez the ungrateful wretches hed about em, to make up arrears uv salary and sich, bid adoo 2 em furever. I shell go 2 Noo Gersy. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo I)isj>ensashun. YE LAMENT OF JOSEPH BOWERS. •Joi LXXII. YE LAMENT OF JOSEPH BOWERS. PART THE 1. My name it is Joe Bowers, and I hev a brother Ike; We lived in ole ^lis-souri, in the famous county Pike; We both wuz Locofocos, my brother Ike and me, Jest ez strong and nasty ez there hved in Missou-ree. Kow Ike and me both bed nice farms, and wuz fore -handed like ; I hed five hundred acres, and the same bed brother Ike, And fifty healthy niggers — men, gals, and boys — hed we, Ez good and likely darkeys ez ther wuz in Missou-ree. We wuz gittin rich, indeed we wuz, and doin mighty well ; Our crops we got in reg'lar — hed enuff to use and sell; Indeed, more prosp'rous men you W travel fur to see. Than me and brother Ike, in Pike County, Missou-ree. 258 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. In 1860, 'lection come — Lord, was n't ther a muss ! It stirred up all the country, and reached even down to iis. The man wot told us how to vote, come round and said that we Must help for to make Breckinridge to carry Missou-ree. He told us that if Linkin should our ruler be, He 'd take our niggers from us all, and every one set free. That, wuss than that, if we to him the power to do it gave, Black Cuffee he 'd the master be, and Joe Bowers be the slave. PART THE 2. Election past, and our Breckinridge wuz cadawshusly chawd up, For Linkin run the appinted race jest like a yaller pup ; Then the man wat told us how to vote, come round and sed that we Could only find our rites in the South Confed'racy. I didn't understood it, but I histid up my hat For Suthern rites, our system, and sech other things as that, Attendid all the meetins held to help along the cause, And viggerously damd old Abe and his Abohshn laws. The war broke out, and me and Ike bled mity freely then ; I gave a thousand dollars toward a regiment of men. And thought that if 't would keep our nigs from bein stole away, The money we invested wuz well spent, and sure would pay. PART THE 3. Well, Gin'ral Price come to our parts with his grand ar-mi-ee; They campt on my plantation, foot, boss, artillery. YE LAMENT OF JOSEPH BOWERS. 2o9 The Gin'ral used my house, his men burnt all they could n't steal ; Ther wuz nary rooster left to crow, nor nary pig to squeal. The fences vanished quicker, and my barns the cusses found Convenient for to cook the hogs they found runnin loose around, Next mornin Gin'ral Price, scz he, " You 're a true South- ern son ; You 're not the man for Abolisheners to spit upon. "Them patriots you see, Joe — [I see em a roastin eggs in the ashes uv my fences, bam!!, and sich,] — are a fitin for your sake, We 're playin a heavy game jest now, and our niggers is the stake. We need your mules and bosses, Joe, and your healthy niggers, too — You may keep all the old ones — for our uses they won't do. " Sech money ez you hev, Joe, we '11 borrer, for you know Onless we hev the spelter, all our efforts is no go." 260 PETROLEUM Y. NASBY. And noticing a rope noose that they 'd rigged up to a tree, (Wich is a Missouri hint, used extensively to inspire confidence m Confederit money,) We ■vvillin give em what they askt, did brother Ike and me. They took my bosses and my mules, and ev'ry nig I bed, 'Cept two small babies and a old one that wuz nearly dead, Six hundred dollars in good gold — they left me nary cent. Then settin fire to my house — [To prevent the enemy from occupyin it,] -this band of patriots went. YE LAMENT OF JOSEril BOWERS. 261 TART THE 4— CONCLUSION. A workin on the levee, in Cincinnati-ec Is not quite bcin a planter in Pike County, Missou-ree, Joe Bowers wanted Suthern rites ; he got em all, and he Thinks he could live without em, if he wuz back in Mis- sou-ree. EPITAFF — THE PINT TO WniCH IS OBVIOUS, "Wich I wish inscribed on my tomb-stone, if my Administrator kin sell my land for enuff to buy one : "here lies joe bowers. HE WUZ WELL. HE WOULD BE BETTER. QE TOOK MEDICINE. AND HERE UE IS." 262 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. LXXIII. TAKES A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW. Saint's Best, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey, "I November the Ui/i, 1864. i Retrospex is profitable. By castin a prophetic eye backards, a massive intellek kin dissern er- rors wich hev bin made, and kin dodge em in the dim and misty fiicher. The old Dimokrasy was wopt in the larst cam- pane, solely and entirely becoz uv its own stoo- pidity and coward is. I say it boldly. We did n't bleeve in the war — we wuz opposed to it in the beginnin; we wantid the guvment revolooshnizd to keep Noo Ingland, wich is spredin herself all over the West, frum submergin the entire Dime- kratik party. Our bark wuz on the sea — slaivry wuz its anker, its jib-boom, its rite forrerd mast, its bow-sperit, its keel, its all. Slaivry wuz our best and .only holt. The Suthners wantid con- trole uv the nashen, that they mite yoose the sed nashen for the excloosive benefit uv slaivry. Werry good. They held all the big orfisis for them purpus ; but, thank Hevin, the slaveholders coodent hold all the orfisis ! Ther was n't enuff TAKES A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW. 263 iiv em, lialloloogy! They could n't come up Xorth and hold the post-orfisis, glory ! them good ole times ! They wuz libral and eezy to pleeze. They allowed us 2 Iigv a President occasionally, ef we presentid a man who cood give bonds to em 2 perform ez they desired. Peerse wuz wun uv this kind, and Bookannon wuz another, and the larst. Ther labor wuz complikatid and severe. Peerse hed to establish the immaculate consep- shun uv Popler Suvrinty, aginst all Dimekratik presedent, and poor ole Bookannon wuz forced 2 strangle the noo-born baby, and give birth 2 the Lecompton bill, wich wuz a severe operashen for wun so old and frale. Noo Ingland rebeld, and elektid Linkin. The South appeled 2 arms. Then wuz our golden op- portoonity. We shood hev took up arms, druv the yooserper frum his sect, and installd in his place a sound, conservativ, constooshnel Dime- krat. Uv coorse, the Ablishnists wood hev re- sistid. Ah ! I shood want em to. Doth the ma- jestik eegle appeze his royal appetiglit on bare bones? He dothent. The fat and joosy karkis is wat his hart desires. how I wood hev liked to hev led a regiment uv sich braves ez them frends uv the lait Governor Seemer, who killed the niggers in Noo York, last yeer, thro the rich 264 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. towns uv Massycliusitts ! Wher the karkis is, ther the buzzards will be also. We did n't do this. What wuz the next best thing? Cleerly 2 elect ez President a Diraekrat who hed Dimokrasy enuff to turn the guvment over to its legitimit owners ez soon ez he got it. A uncondishnel peese man wuz wat we wantid, and on a uncondishnel peese platform. We hed hed 3 yeers uv war, uv taxis, uv drafts, and a whalin draft wuz a hangin over us at the time. We wuz shoor uv 6 classis, to-wit, viz : The Dimekrat proper, who got his pollytix by inheritanse. The casheerd army orfisers, dismist becoz they disapproved uv the manner in wich the war wuz bein conduktid. The gentlemanly contractors, who hed furnisht hoss-beef and shoddy cloth 2 the soljers, and hed bin caught at it. The cowardly cusses, who wuz afeerd uv drafts. The cappytalists, who hed investid in Confedrit bonds. The miserly cusses, who groaned at taxes. Heer wuz a array — a phalanks that coodent be broken; for wen a man is mean from interest, ar- gument won't fetch him. It 's shootin paper wads aginst a iron-clad. Yoo mite ez well whisper TAKES A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW. 265 Gray's Elegy in2 the ear uv a decl guvment mule, wicli is sed 2 be the dedest thing on earth. But Micklellan wuz nominated. 0, wat stoo- pidity! It wuz dun 2 ketch the War Dimekrats, they sed. The War Dimekrats lifted up the Genei'al's kote-tale and found Pendleton there, and they skatterd. The anti-draft and anti-tax Ablishnists thought they'd ruther be taxt and draftid and taxt by Linkin, who hed alluz drawd it mild, than by Micklellan. The soljers remem- bered Chickahominy swamps. The shoddy theeves knowd they 'd stand no chance agin sech expert practishners ez the Woods, and Toucey, and sich, and so we ^Taz beeten. I hev hopes that we will yet kum out rite. Geff'son Da^is is armin the niggers ; the Dimok- rasy hev seed the folly uv philanderin after war, and wun good Confedrit victry will set us up agin. Let the Dimekratik virgins keep their lamps full uv ile and trimmed. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 17 266 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. LXXIV. DEPRECATES THE ARMING OF THE SLAVES BY THE SOUTH. Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) \ November the 21si, 1864. I The brave and shiverlus South hev at last de- sided upon armin their niggers. Ef they do it, it settles the question. The Ablishn party is neerly eggsaustid, and can not hope to cope successfully with three millions uv fresh niggers, the most uv em desendid drekly from the fust families uv the South. The nigger will fite ! I may hev sed at diifrent times, when the goriller Linkin wuz armin uv em, that they woodent fite, but it wuz a lie uv the basest character, that I got up 2 deseeve the people. Does Boregard fite? Does the younger Masons, and Peytons, and Ruffins, and Slidells, and sich? Where do they get their shiverlus darin frum? Onqueschenably frum the old Bore- gard, Mason, Peyton, Slidell, et settry. Werry good. Admittin it 's blood that does it, won't the same blood that makes Kernel Peyton shivelrus, operate the same way when coursin thro the vanes uv Sam, his hafi-brother? Uv coarse. Like causes perdoose like efi^ex. Ef Kernel Pey- OilT AEMING THE SLAVES BY THE SOUTH. 207 ton talks a close uv pills, wat's the result? Pre- cisely the same ez wen Pomji takes em. Blood, like pills, operate the same on all constooshns. The mizable hirelins uv Linkin will rue the day they meet these dark knites. The Suthern white soljer is, I am aware, a mizable cuss. lie wuz born a serf; naclier made him expressly for them system uv sosiety, and he coodent eggsist nowhere else. The Suthern lord uv the sile re- qwires various serviss. Manyooel labor is dun by the black, but his votin must be dun by whites. Naclicr steps in and furnishes him a man white enuff to vote, and low enuif to be owned, lie hez no shiverlry, and woodent fite at all ef 't want for the bloodid offisers. Imagin entire regyments uv blooded men — men uv the fizzikle strength uv the native Afrikin, animated with the sperit uv the hawty Southron — a goriller with the sole uv Shevaleer Bayard. I hev prayd that Linkin will spare the South this bitter cup. Hez the retch no sole? Imagin a Suthern offiscr a leedin his regymenl iii2 battle. He drors nigh to the enemy. Whiz ! sings a shell. It explodes! He is safe, but, alars! dis- persed in2 inch peeses is Sipio, his nigger, aiul perhaps the son uv his grandfather's son, or, may be, the unkle uv his own children ! That shell 268 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. cost him $1,500. A rifle pops, and Pompcy dies, who, livin, wood hev bin dirt-cheep at $1,200. And so he goes. He treds the path uv glory over the ded bodies uv his blood relashens, which is also his forchune. Agin. Ef the nigger fites alongside uv the white man, he is acknollijed ez his ekal, and away goes the corner-stun uv Dimokrasy. It hez alluz bin a consolashen to the Northern Dimekrat to feel that ther wuz a race meaner than they air. Shel this pleezin deloosion be roodly dissipatid? Ferbid it, Hevin! This sacrifis may be avoidid. Linkin hez bin slitely electid, and inezmuch ez he hez controle uv suthin over a milyun muskits, with artilry 2 match, we Dimekrats, hevin alluz bin a law-abidin people, shel submit quietly 2 the popler voice. But we kin advize. Linkin hez it in his hands. Let him make peese immejitly and to-wunst. Let him send commishners 2 Richmond, under same pay ez members uv Congris, (I will go for wun,) to treet and be treeted. Let us act upon the Micklellan ijee. Let us oifer them all they want to kum back, and ef they refooze — why then fite it out, on constooshnel, conservative principples. Ef they do refooze, and the war shood be prop- erly conductid, I shood sacrifice all for my bleedin HAS A FRIGHTFUL DREAM. 209 country, and go into the servis cz a sutler. I cood not hesitate for a moment. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Bispensashun. LXXV. HAS A FRIGHTFUL DREAM. Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey, "I November the 2'^Jth, 1864. i I 'm bein afflicted with dreems. It 's wery sel- dom that I lay my manly form down 2 rest, that dreems uv the most friteful karricter do n't take posseshun uv me, and I awake in the mornin feelin ez tired ez I do after a hard day's dudgin creditors, wich is exhaustin. Last nite I hed a dreem, the recolleckshun whereof is enuif 2 drive a dray hoss uv ordinary sensibilities crazy. Methawt Dimokrasy wu/ dod, that his funeral wuz apinted for the 4th ii\ M.nvli, that that day had arriv, and tliat the frciids uv the deceest hod bin iiiuitid. 1 wuz on (ho s[)()t airly, but, 2 my surprize, quito a nuinbcr uv mourners wuz there afore me. Ther wuz Thoniiis Geiferson, and Androo Jaxson, and Steven A. 270 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Duglis, and Silus Wright, and Jimmy K. Poke, and sicli. The corpse wuz that uv a giant, who hed evidently died uv dissipashen — wunst strong and wiggerus, but redoost 2 a shaky skelliton. Presently Fernandywood, Frank Peerse, Yallan- digum, and Yorhees hove in site. They kum a busslin up, ez tho they wuz the legitimit heirs and assigns aforesed uv the deceest, but ez soon ez they recognized them ez wuz standin round the corpse, they turned pale and sneeked off ez fast ez their legs cood carry em. These distinguished individooels wuz a weepin bitterly over the corpse, particklerly Grefferson. " I am his fond parient," he exclaimed; "I guided his infant steps; I — but what the dev — " This exclamashen escaped Tomus, ez his eagle eye lit onto a bootiful nigger-whip wieh the de- funct hed clutched into his emashiatid hand. "He never got that from me," continued Tomus, with a expreshun uv intense dissgust; "I sent the gushin yooth in2 the world to do away with them things." Wright hed found a revolver and a pair uv handcuffs in his pocket, wich he dropped as tho they burnt him. Jaxon took out uv his vest a packige labeld " Stait Rites." "Good hevins!" remarkt he, flingin it from him, "did the ijeot HAS A FRIGHTFUL DREAM. 271 forgit my teecliins ez soon cz I left him, and take up with the heresis uv that scoundril, Cal- hoon?" Duglis hed bin serchin, and next to the hart lie found a hevy packige, markt "Seceshn," at wich they all startid back with upliftid hands, ez I've seed play-akters do when they see the gost uv ther ded muther. "He wuz devotid 2 his country wen I startid him," sed Geiferson. "Him and me put our heel on seceshn wunst," wept Jaxon. "My frends," sed Duglis, "I wuz the guardian uv the deceest up to 4 yeers ago. He fell in2 bad hands in '52, and got wild. He becum quarrel- some, graspin, and at the saim time dissipatid, I tried to keep him strate, but in vane. Sich men ez Bookannon and Peerse hed more infloo- ense with him than I, and they led him astray. He squandered all the estate yoo left him, the valyooable part uv wich wuz bought in by a con- sern at the hed uv wich is A. Linkin, uv my Stait, who, by makin a proper yoose uv it, is doin a good biznis. To save him, I endorst f(U* him in '60, but he bustid me, and sellin all that he had left, he went in2 the employ uv that Calhoon con- sern, wich wuz jest startin up, ez I left, and I am 272 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. paned 2 say that he contracted 2 do all their dirty work. It wuz that wicli killed him." "Bury the cuss — he stinks!" exclaimed they all in korious, the noise whereof awoke me. I feel thankful that we modern Dimekrats see Gefferson, Jaxon, and sich, only in dreems. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Bisjpensashun. LXXVI. PROPOSES THE EMIGRATION OP THE DEMOCRACY. Saint's Rest, (wicli is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) December the 8th, 1864. } I REED in the Scripters (a book I alluz perooze whenever I 'm bad sick,) suthin about ten tribes uv Izrel that wuz lost. A ijee struck me. I see a way by wich the present unholy, devastatin war kin be stopped, and after givin the matter doo considerashen, I 'm conwinst uv its feezibility. It is EMIGRASHEN ! The Suthern branch uv the Dimekratik party ought 2 be convinst, by this time, that they ain't a match for the Ablishnists a fightin, jest ez the EMIGRATION OF THE DEMOCRACY. 273 I^orthern wing hez diskivcrod that it ain't no mutch for em a votin. The fact is, the entire l)lan iiv repairin the old temple uv Dimokrasy with secession morter hez very much the appeer- ancc uv a faleyoor. My father (a Xoo Gersey Dimekrat,) wunst spilled lamp-ile on a noo kote. He askt a nabor, who wuz reckless, wat wood talk it out, and he told him sulphuric acid. The old man got some, and poured it on. The next day he went over to his adviser in great wrath, with the remnants uv the kote. "John," said the old gentleman, "didn't yoo tell me that this yere acid wood eradicate greese from my kote?" "Certingly; didn't it?" "John, why didn't you likewise tell me that it wood also eradicate the kote?" Alas! the remedy Dimokrasy swallcrd to cure the cramp colic it got in 1860, is gnawin its bow- ils. It is curin its ills ez stryknin duz hyder- phoby in a dorg. 2 resoom. My ijee is Mexico. Let a peece be made, the terms uv which air, that jest sech uv the peeple uv the old Yoonitid Stalls ez hev made up ther individjle minds that they can n't live under Ablishn tyranny, shel hev the ])rn'ilege uv leevin with all ther goods and chattels. Then 274 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. wc '11 go to Mexico, upset tliat offshoot uv Euro- pean monerky, Maxemilyen, and set up pure Di- mokrasy, with ekal rites and slaivry ez the corner- stuns. Sum may obgect on the ground that Max- emilyen is by this time too hefty to be histid. Here is the forse we kin kalkilait on : Northern Dimekrats in Canadj in consekence uv drafts, 200,000 Northern Dimekrats at home who spectd orfis under Micklellan, . . . . 1,460,000 Suthern army, say, . - _ . _ 200,000 Grand totle, 1,860,000 Good Maxemilyen stand afore sich a array ez that? Not enny. But sez wun, "Uv wat yoose wood them peece Dimekrats and draft skeedaddlers be to a military expedishen — they won't fite." My gentle frend, Goif 'son D., knows his biznis. Let him whisper in2 ther eers that eech and every wun uv em that survives shel hev a post-orfis, and they 'd wade in blood knee-deep. 0, it would be a cheerin site to see them a chargin up the steeps uv Shepulte- l^ec, with the inspirin cry, "Post-orfis!" Evry wun uv em wood be a hero. There we 'd set up Dimokrasy agin. The coun- try, uv coarse, we 'd divide, JN'orth and South, EMIGRATIOX OF THE DEMOCRACY. 275 free and slave, for a IS'orthcrn Dimckrat wood feel oneasy in his mind, ef he had n't a South to serve. We 'd hold Nashnel Convenshuns in the halls iiv the Montezoomers, and, 0, wooden t it be soothin 2 agin hcer Tooms and Rett, and them high-minded fellers, a bully-raggin uv us ! Me- thinks. Ez every wun uv us wood be offis-holders, wher wood we git constitooence ? Naclier hez perwidid. The natives uv that country wood serve adiiii- rably. But they coodent understand yoor speek- ers. Troo, but them Mexicans wood soot us all the better for not understandin English. \Mien- ever a Dimekrat got sense enuff in2 him to com- perhend our talk, he alluz left the party. Give me the voter wdio takes his faith on trust. It 's yoor inquirin minds that hez played the devil with us. I shel immejitly perpose the matter to Presi- dent Davis, Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispemashun. 276 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. LXXVII. CONSULTS THE SPIRITS. Saint's Rest, (vvich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) "I December the 6th, 1864. J I can't say I bleeve in speritoolism. I 've tride it sevral times, but the result wuz never satisfactory. I never cood determine in my own mind ez to whether the sperits uv them ez pur- ported to be strangers, wuz ginooine, not knowin ther stile, whereupon I wood call up the sperit uv a deceest acquaintance. The conversashen wood then run ez follows : Me. — "Is the sj^erit uv Jotham Smith pres- ent?" Sperit.—" It air. Who calls ? " Me. — "Nasby, Petroleum V." Sperit. — [Vehemently] — "Pay to my widder, yoo old theef, the 13 dolers and a harf yoo borrid uv me six yeers ago." 'Now, that coodent hev bin the spirit uv Jotham Smith, becoz the sed Jotham, when in life, labord manfully for three yeers to git that munny, and hed signally faled, and for yeers hed quit tryin. It coodent hev bin Jotham, for he knode me too CONSULTS THE SriRITS. 277 well. Ef it wiiz his spcrit, it proves concloosively to me that the sperit is etherial, and when re- leest from the body, wich restranes it, it becums flighty. A frend uv mine, here, is a speritooalist, and he invited me w^im nite 2 a serkle. I went, hopin to find out what wuz the destiny uv the Dime- kratik party. I boldly called for the sperit uv Androo Jaxon. It cum. " Androo," sez I, "father uv Dimokrasy, I, wun uv yer 2:)erlittikkle children" — " Hold ! " interuptid he. "Did yoo vote for Val- landigum?" "I supportid that persekootid saint." "And Micklellan?" " Onquestionably I votid for that grate general and statesman." "And after that yoo hev the impedence to call yerselves children uv mine ! Yoor in error, my gentle frend, on the daddy question, or yoo lie wilfully. Yoor Dimekratik party hez n't my po- littikle eyes, noze, mouth, or eckspreshun. Yoor the son uv that hory old traitor, Calhoon, and a mizable, deformd, misshapen ape it is. Yoo stran- gled the Dimokrasy I left yoo, and hev put Cal- hoon's into its cloze." "Androo," sez I, "how do yoo git along with 278 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. tlie latter-day Dimokrasy, who dcceese, universly regretted, et settry." " Git along with em ! They do n't none uv em cmn here. Ther 's another and a hotterer plais for sich." I then called for the sperit uv Floyd, Bookan- non's Secretary, and late Grenral in Confedrit ser- vis. He kum to wunst. "J. B." sez I, "wat is the fucher uv the Dimo- kratik party?" "Fucher!" replide he, smilin a sperit smile; " why, man, it 's in its fucher now. It 's deceest, and ought 2 hev a tomb-stun j)ut up 2 commemo- rait its virchoos, immejitly, and regardlis uv ex- pense. I say regardlis uv expense, becoz, the meaner a man is, the more tomb-stun he needs. Marble is the best material 2 tell lies on, now in yoose. 2 resoom. Dimokrasy wuz seezd with a mortle illnis in '60, wen Linkin wuz electid. The blood is the life. Ofifis is the blood uv Dimokrasy, and wen that wuz withdrawn, Dimokrasy wuz a depletid cuss. It struggled agin hope until last fall, w^hen it kicked its last kick, and a mity w^eek kick it wuz. Dostest thow think ef I cood hev bin Secretary uv War, perjietooally, with the un- limmytid fasilities for steelin we engoyed under Bookannon, that I wood hev rebelled ? Not enny. 070 "WAILETH AND CUSSETH. ZtlJ The Xortli druv us 2 it, by takiii cviy one of the offisis." He woodent communikate no more, and the serkle closed. I am inclind to bleeve them sj^erits wuz ginooine. They told a grate deel iiv trooth — trooths that we can't git over. We shel see. Petroleum Y. Nasby, Lait Paster iiv the Church uv the JSvo Dispensashun. LXXVIII. "WAILETH AND CUSSETH." Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gcrscy,) ] December the 2&th, 1864. i I Ve heerd from Savanner ! I hev red uv it. Fancy the feelins uv a man who hed bin for weeks spectin 2 heer uv Sherman's bein entirely cliawd up by the undanted Suthern melishy ! The follerin impromptoo cuss and wale (ekally mixt) reliex the stait uv mind uv the Dimokrasy uv this sekshun. Hart-sick, weery, alone, bustid. . Gone-up, flayed, skind, hung out. Smashed, pulverized, shiverd, scatterd. Physikt, puked, bled, blistered. 280 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Sich is Dimokrasy! Alone I sit, like Marius, among the rooins! Alone I sit and cuss, and this is my cuss: Cussid be Calhoon, for he interdoost us to that paintid harlot, Stait Rites, who sedoost us. Cussid be Peerse, who consentid 2 the Nebrasky bill, wich bustid us. Cussid be Bookannon, who favored Lecompton, wich peeled us. Cussid be Breckinridge, who woodent support Duglis, and 'lectid Linkin, wich give our post-or- fises 2 Ablishnists. Cussid be the post-masters — may they bekum suddently insane, and wildly go 2 trustin out postige stamps to Dimekrats. Cussid be Grant, and Sheriden, and Rosycrance, for they 've dun for Demokrasy. Cussid be them ez went in the army Dimekrats, and cum out Ablishnists. (Wich is a eppydemic.) Cussid be Yallandigum, wich went a practisin law, leevin me in the Dimokrasy biznis alone, without enny cappytle to run on. [SPESHLY HOT.] Cussid be Sherman, for he took Atlanta. And he marcht thro the Confedrisy, and re- spected not the feelins uv ennybody. "WAILETH AND CUSSETII." 281 . His path wiiz, like Moses's, lit with pillcrs uv fire and smoke, only the lire and smoke wuz be- hind him. His path is a desert — lo, the voice uv the Shanghy is heerd not in all the land. And the people uv the South lift up tlier voisis and weep, becoz their niggers are not. And he took Savanner, and cotton enuif 2 hev satisfide Bookannon's cabbynet. And he turns his eyes toward Charleston, and is serusly thinkin uv Richmond. He starteth with three-skore thousand — he stop- peth with three-skore and ton. The wind blowcth where it listeth — he listeth where he goeth. As the lode-stone is to steel, so is his steel to the Georgia nigger — it draweth him on. Who will save us from the fury uv this Sher- man? who will deliver us from his hand? Johnston he beat. Hood he fooled, and Wheeler he flogged. Lee wood do it; but he 's holdin Grant, and can't let go uv him. So he cavorts ez he wills, like a yerlin mule with a chesnut burr under his tale. Bitter in the mouth uv a Dimekrat is (|\viiiine, bitterer is gall, but more bitterer is Fedral n ictrys. 18 282 PETROLEUM V. XASBY. We have bin fed on victrys lately, and our stumick turns. Played out is Davis, and Dimokrasy hez fol- lered soot. The Dimokrasy is turnin war-men — they are bo win the knee to Linkin. Voorhees will yet be a Briggydcer, and Vallan- digum will cry aloud for a war uv exterminashen, and Fernandywood will howl for drafts. For tho John Brown's body lies all mouldy in the grave, his sole is a marchin on. I ain't the rose uv Sharon, nor the lilly uv the valley — I 'm the last uv the Ko^^perheds ! I bilt my polittikle howse on sand — it hez fell, and I 'm under the rooins. Uv pollytix I wash my hands, I shake its dust orf my few remanin garmence. Peteoleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. RENOUNCES SLAVERY. 283 LXXIX. RENOUNCES SLAVERY. Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gerscy,) ) January the li)(h, 18G5. ) "The wagis uv sin is deth." Sich is the sub- stance uv a passage uv Skripter, wich, sence my exile 2 this lonely shear, hez bin my solis. How troo the remark! How feerfly hez it bin reelized ! The anshent Dimokrasy ownd this guverment, and mite hev hed it to-day. But then they wuz a rychus set. They wuz n't dissipatid. They did n't run after harlots. Jaxon, and Benton, and Silas Write, and sich men, who wuz men, kept us strate. But wen they went to their respective re- wards, another class uv men okkepied us. Jim Bookannon and Jeff Davis took hold uv tlic Dini- ekratik kite, tore oif its time-honoreil tale, lOkal Rites, and substitootid Slaivry. The result is before the world. Dimokrasy is in the mud, and the Ablishnists hev the post-orfisis. Alars ! In the olden time we used 2 hecr this song: "ITdo! the car uv omansipaslicn Is rollin graiully thro the iiashen." I've seen that car. It's on 2 wheels, and car- 284 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. ries balls from 6 to 500 pounds in wate. Sher- man rode it in2 Savanner totlier day. The harder the work yoo do for the devil, the more deth yoo git for wages. We labord fathe- fully in the servis uv slaivry. We dismist our conshenses, went back on our record, swore black wuz white, and vicy versy, even goin so fur ez to go in2 two wars to perpetooate it. What is the result ? Linkin hez abolisht it by proclamation. His bloo-koted hirelins hev abolisht it, niggers and all, wherever they hev gone, and they hev made sum rayther extensiv toors. And, finelly, the Confederasy, wich avuz instooted to preserve it, is perposin to throw it overbord ez the price uv rec- ognishen. and this they do without stoppin 2 en- quire wat is 2 bekum uv us j^orthern Dimekrats, who hev tied ourselves to it. So reckless sailers fling overbord a priceless cargo, to save a worthless hulk. So Joner wuz histed in2 the bilin waves, 2 save a set uv mari- ners who wuz not profits. Wood, wood that I, like him, cood be gobbled by some frendly whale, who wood, in doo time, vomit me out on dry land. Ez for me, I 'm dun. I 'm a anti-slaivry man frum this time out. My conshence won't allow LAMENTETH. 285 me to support it no longer, and, besides, it do n't pay. Ez the sole servivin leeder iiv the Dimok- ras}^, I shel immejitly ishoo a serkler, instructin uv em to make this change uv front. Petroleum V. Xasby, Lait Paster uv the Churcli uv the Noo Dispensashun. LXXX. LAMENTETH. Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) 1 January the 28<7t, 1SG5. i The waters uv fanattycism coverd all the land, and the Dimekratik ark wuz a flotin thereon. And Peerse and Vallandigum, and Yorhees and Bright, and Micklellan and Booel, 2 and 2, wuz therein, and wuz tired. I am a dove, a pcese dove. I wuz sent out uv the ark to find a rcstin-place, but I could find no rest for the sole uv my foot. For ther wuz no abatin uv the flud. In November our ark re.stid on Aryrat, and there it is, stuck, and we arc dolcfiy lookin out uv the winders. Afore us, behind us, and on both sides uv us, 286 TETEOLEUM V. NASBY. we see our enemies, gorjiisly drest in purple and fine linnen, and a holdin the orfisis. They hev post-orfisis, and custum-howsis, and furrin mishns, and colekterships, and et settrys, wich is our principples. Strandid on the mountain-top, we set, and set, and set. Wendell Fillips pecks at our heds, and Horris Greely stampeth on our korns, and lo! our hands is tied. From our mountin-top we see the armies goin 4th to battle, and we behold the discumfercher uv our frends. And we make faces at our enemies. Sayin, Yet a little while, and England and France shel interfere. The provo-marshel roameth up and down the land, seeking whom he may conscript, and no- body dares bust him. And we make faces. All that pass by clap their hands ; they hiss and wag their heds at us, sayin : Is these Dimok- rasy? Is them the sons uv Jaxon? And we make faces. Two dollars is the tax upon whisky, and the tongue uv the sucker cleaveth to the roof uv his mouth for thirst ; the young bummer asks for LAMEXTETH. 287 nips, but no man poureth out till he observeth the postal. They that did drink juleps are down to corn- joose, and they that delighted in new whisky are burnin ther bowils with camfene. The mole is blind, but not more blinderer than we. When the men uv the South drew the sword, why did we jine ourselves 2 em? Why did we try eatin fire, whose mouth wuz made for Limburg cheese ? Why did we tie our- self to a corpse? Who shel deliver us? Who shel take us out uv the hand uv our enemy? Petkoleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 283 PETROLEUM V. NASBY LXXXI. LINES ONTO 0. P. MORTON, THE TIRBNT UV INJEANY. Nero* the sekkund! 0, wat a horrid fate, "VYuz Injeana's in that dredful hour Thou wust made guvner, and got the power To rool the Dimokrasy uv that noble Stait ! Mournin will not avale ! but 0, hed Dan- iel Voorheesf sot wher thou hast sot, Dost think that the Gorriller J wood hev got The help he hed when fust the war began? Inscribin "No Coershun" on his banner, Bold Daniel wood hev let no man enlist, 'Cept sech ez wood, in Suthern ranks, assist In rightin things in a constooshnel manner. *■ Nero wuz a Emprer uv Rome — so ornery that dorgs hev alluz bin named after him. His only redeemin quality wuz his fondnis for mu- sic, wich wuz so overpowerin that he fiddled the Arkansaw Travler wile Rome wuz a burnin. He persekootid the saints, hentz I liken him 2 Morton. t Daniel Voorhees is a troo Dimekrat, who resides in Terry Hut. In the knack uv gittin uther men 2 gallop into what Ablishnists call treezn, and keepin out uv it hisself, he is ekalled by few and serpast by nun. X Goriller — wich is A. Linkin, uv coarse. To give force to the line, I Bhood hev addid, "Ape and Babboon," hed the measure admitted. LINES ONTO O. V. MORTON. 289 The Golden Cirkle wood hev growd in vigger, No sneekin provo-marshels wood hev vext us, No horrer-spredin drafts wood e'er hev tetcht us ; Wich drags us 4th, a fightin for the nigger. And then Ristine and Athon, and a skore Uv sich-Hke patriots, wood hev rooled the Stait; And Dodd, the grate, wood not now cuss his fate, A hopelis cxcl on a furrin shoar. Teers ain't uv no akkount ! but, 0. P., take my cuss, Ez stingin hot ez helpless hate kin make it; A thirst for venjencc with no chance to slake it; Hopeless and helpless! kin a fate be wuss? [The last stanzy, wich contanes the cuss — after Moore.] May all yer roses turn 2 ashes 'fore yer eyes — May all yer whisky turn 2 camfene on yer lip — May all yoo hope for frum yer fingers slip, Jest ez yoo think yoo 've got sekoor the prize. 290 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. LXXXII. DETAILS THE FAILURES OF THE DEMOCRACY. Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) ) February the lOM, 1805. I People is queer. Humanity, pertiklerly Amer- ikin humanity, vewd from a Dimekratik stand- pint, is a inscrootable mystery. To the under- sined it's a staggrer. For instance. The normel instinks uv mankind is not 2 work. Dimokrasy hez bin a hoklin out to the Amerikin people the priceless boon uv nigger slaivry — the onspeekible happinis uv hevin others swet for em — uv passin a lifetime a suckin mint-juleps thro straws, and smokin ten-cent cigars, on the work uv others. It wuz regectid. I wuz a thinkin the matter over to-nite, and I wuz sliockt at the remarkable yoonanimity with wich evry distinktiv measure perposed by the Dimokrasy hez bin repoodiatid by the people. We told em the South wood rebel, ef they votid for Linkin. They votid for Linkin. We told em greenbax and guverment bonds DETAILS THE FAILURES OF DEMOCRACY. 201 wood be entirely worthless. They take the green- bax, and subscribe for the bonds with a loosenis onparalleled. We told era they cood never whip the South. They went in and are whippin the South, with neetnis and dispatch. We warned era agin drafts, and sich. They go and vote for drafts — indeed, I heerd wun recreant Diraekrat observe that he rayther liked a draft wunst or twict per annum, they varied the mo- notony. "And then," sed he, "a feller feels so good when he finds he ain't drawd." We told em the war wood go on ef Linkin wuz re-electid. They went and re-electid Linkin. We told em that any interference with slaivry wood rooin North and South. They abolisht it in a lump. In short, the people is crazy. Watever the Dimokrasy endorses, the people rcjex; watever the Diraokrasy recoramends, the people condemn. I 'm convinst uv the trooth uv the ]\Iillerite doc- trine — the end uv the world is at hand. Ez for me, I care not how soon it comes. Life is not measured bv veers. I am 3 skore in veers, but I hev consoomed enuff whisky for a man uv a hundred. Therefore I am reddy. Whenever 292 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. the Dimokrasy finally pegs out, I want to go like- wise, for with it my mislin is ended. Petroleum Y. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Bisj^ensashun. LXXXIII. MR. NASBY AND HIS FRIENDS HOLD A MEETING ON THE FALL OF CHARLESTON. Saint's Rest, (wicli is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) ] February the 23d, LS65. 3 Ther air but a very few troo Dimekrats left in this sekshun uv Noo Gersey — very few. The young wuns hez all enlistid and turnd Ablishnists, and the old wuns er a peggin out with delirium tremens. The whisky we git now-a-days burns our coppers out feerfly. A few uv us, whose stumicks is trooly glass, met last nite to shed a teer or 2 over the fall uv Charleston. Square Potts, who hez bin the reglar chairman for this county for thirty 3^eers, tuk the cheer, on his own motion, weepin perfoosely. Obed Peesly, who is our ex-offisho secretary, bein the only wun in this visinnity who kin rite, took his sect, without a motion, a weepin pro- foosely. A MEETING OX FALL OF CHARLESTOX. 203 The rest uv the awjenee moA'ed that they be vice-presidence, wieh wuz carried, and they took their seets as sich, weepin perfoosely. Here a hitch okkurred — there wuz noboddy left for committy on resolushens. 3 uv tlie vice-pres- idence promptly resined and wuz electid ez sich committy, when they (weepin perfoosely) reportid t the follerin, wich the secretary had prevously rit : Wareas, Charlston, the only plais on the con- tinent wher pure Dimokrasy abidid, hez follerd Atlanty and Savanner, and fallen in2 the hands uv Ablish hirelins; and, [Here the secretary paused, that the flore mite be mopt.] Wareas, The ^^rospek is lively for Richmond, and the rest uv the Confederasy follerin soot,. there4, be it Jlesolvd, That we emfattically and unreservedly protest agin a further continooance uv this un- holy, unconstooshnel, unmittygatid and sooisidle war. Jlesolvd, That we now manetane what wr hev alluz assertid, that 8 milyuns uv free white men can't be sul)joogatid at enny price. licsolvd^ That we congratulait our heroic breth- ren uv the South, who is strugglin for ther rites, upon the successful evacuation uv Atlanty and 294 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Savanner and Charleston, becoz, hevin them plasis less to defend, they kin consentrait sumwheres to better advantige. Besolvd, That the slownis uv England and France at interferin, deservs our reprehenshun, and that ef they air ever goin to do it, now 's the time. Resolvcl, That them Dimekrats who let on they feel ez good ez the Ablishnists do over these vic- trys, is unworthy the name. We warn era that it ain't no yoose. The Ablishnists have enuff strate- outers uv ther own to hold all the orfises, and that turnin into war-men, at this lait day, is ruther 2 fishy to fool even the blindest uv em. Besolvd, That we damnd the war at the begin- nin, and that we, uv Noo Grersey, dam it now, and will so continyoo to the end uv the chapter, bein conservative and terribly sot in our way. Besolvd, That callin out 300,000 fresh men to fite our eggsaustid Suthern brethrin, is not only unshivilrous, but is takin a mean advantige uv a noble people, and that we hereby demand uv Linkin that he revoke the order. Besolvd, That sutch uv us ez air draftid shel hev the privilige uv choosin wether they will die in their own dore-yards, or run to Canady. We onhesitatingly recommend the latter coarse, pro- MEETING ON THE FALL OF CHARLESTOX. 20.") vidin alluz, they kin git back afore the next eleck- shun. The rcsolushuns were, iiv coarse, adoptid — the checrman, ez is the custiim here wen he wants resolutions past, only puttin the affirmative side. After wich I felt a call to speek, and I did so, remarkin : That the loosnis with wich tecrs wuz Lein shed, showd that the hart uv the Dimokrasy wuz tutched; that I wuz gl^d 2 sec em flow, becoz it showd hoAV clost a feclin eggsistid atween the Di- mokrasy, North and South. But there wuz reely no cause for teers. The triumfs the Ablishnists hed gained were no advantages. Charleston hed fallen, it wuz troo. While I regrettid the hard necessity, I wuz trooly glad uv it. The feelins uv them people hed bin hurt, no dout. But wat uv that? It wuz easier to let go uv Charleston than 2 hold on to it. They coodent hold that city enny more than they cood Atlanty and Savanner, and, there4, strategy required its surrender. The good uv the Confed- risy required that they should leave, and 0, my brethren, with wat alackrity they obeyed the call. They may find it necessary to resine Richmond. Shel we ther4 be cast down? ]N^ot enny. I see Lee's strategy, lie calkilates on giviu up all 296 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. tliem towns. Grant and Sherman Avill liov to leave a garrison in each uv em, until ther armies is all divided up in2 garrisons ; then cums the krisis. He takes them small garrisons, 1 at a time, and gobbles em. That 's his ijee, I make no dout. Let us, my brethrin, keep a stiff up- per lip. The more territory Sherman gits, the wuss he is orf. I wate impashently to heer uv his marchin on, feelin that at last Lee will wax him. I concludid, leavin em in good humor. Takin advantij uv the feelin, I borrered sum eight dol- ars uv 12 uv em, wich, with wat credit I hev es- tablisht here, will keep me runnin sum time. Peteoleum V. jS'asby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. APOSTACY OF THE SAINTS. 297 LXXXIV. LAMENTETH OVER THE APOSTACY OF THE SAINTS. Saint's Rest (wicli is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey, ) March the Uth, 1865. i I HEV peroosed the papers agin. To me, noozepapers is pizen, and the tclegraif wuss ner watered whisky. For they bring tidings uv evil to me, and tidings uv grate goy to the Ablishnists. Wilmington hez foUered Charleston, and Co- lumby is a mass uv rooins. Sherman hez gone and did it agin, and Bragg suckums to Schofield. Lee is in Richmond like a rat in a cistern — he can't git out, and it 's shoor deth to stay. Weepin I can't do, for my water-works hev given out frum too mutch yoose ; cussing is uv no avale, for I can't do justis 2 the subgick. And the household uv the faithful hev aposta- tized — they bow the knee to the Molock Linkin. Whcr is them who bought revolvers to resist the drafts ? Lo! them ez live in Noo Hamsheer is filin affi- davits that they bought em to plant corn, by 19 298 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. shootin the kernels atween the cracks uv the stuns in their feelds, ez is the custum uv the country. Them ez live in the West sware grate oaths that they bought em to shoot rats with. Wher is them ez swore solem oaths, in their lodges, to give neither man nor dollar for the war? Lo ! they shell out their hundreds to draft funds, and are bizzy gittin in substitoots. Wher is them who swore ef they had to go, they wood shoot North? Lo! they wuz draftid, and they went like lams to the slaughter, and are now enthoosiastic in the killin uv their Suthern brethern. Wher is them who swore no nigger shood cum North ? Yerily, the contraband sweateth on their farms at 12 dollars per munth — for his labor they hug him to their buzzum. Wher is them who profeside that greenbax wood be wuthless, and swore they would never take em? Lo, they sell their bosses, and their wheat, and their lands, and will reseeve in pay therefor nuthin else; they hoard em clost, ez the hat will show that goeth around at the close uv my lectures. THE APOSTACY OF THE SAINTS. 299 Where is them who contribbitid to the support uv VaUandigum ? In my distress I asked wiin uv em for a single quarter, and he bade me be damned. There is no faith in mankind — there is none troo — no, not wun. The party hez flickered out — it standeth not up in its strength — it hez no more backbone than a eel. In disgust I spit upon it — in my wrath I leeve it to its fate. VaUandigum and Voorhees hev gone into the law; I shel embark into bounty -jumpin. Petroleum Y. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Disjjetisashun. 300 TETROLEUM V. NASBY. LXXXV. THE FALL OF RICHMOND AND LEE'S SURRENDER. Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey, April the 10th, 1865. } I SURVIVED the defect uv Breckinridge in 1860, becoz I knode the Dimokrasy cood rase up in arms agin the unconstooshnality uv electin a seckshnal President, who wuz impregnatid with any seckshnal ijees that he got north uv Mason and Dixon's line. I survived the defect uv Micklellan, (who wuz, trooly, the nashen's hope and pride likewise,) be- coz I felt assoored that the rane uv the goriller Linkin wood be a short wun ; that in a few months, at furthest, Ginral Lee wood capcher Washinton, depose the ape, and set up there a constooshnal guverment, based upon the great and immutable trooth that a white man is better than a nigger. I survived the loss uv Atlanty, and Savanner, and Charleston, becoz, dependin on Suthern pa- pers, I bleeved that them places wuz given up — mind, given up — becoz the Confedrits desired to consentrate for a crushin blow. I survived the fall uv Richmond, tho it wuz a THE FALL OF RICHMOND. 301 staggrer; becoz I still lied fiiith that that grate and good man, Lee, did it for stratejy, that he mite consentrate hisself sumwhers else; and when the Ablishnists jeered me, and sed "Richmond," and "Go up, bald-lied," to mo, I shook my fist at em, and sed, "Wait, and yoo '11 see." I wuz a lookin for the blow that wuz to foller this consentratin. It cum ! But it wuz us who reseevd it, and a deth-blow it wuz. Ajacks defied the litenin; cood he hev bin a Northern Dimekrat, and stood this lick un- moved, he mite hev dun it with perfek safety. "Lee surrenderd!" Good hevins! Is this the end uv the consen- tratin? Is this the dyin in the last ditch? Is this the fightin till the last man wuz a inanimait corpse? Is this the bringin up the childern to take their places, ez the old ones peg out under Yankee buUits ? "Lee surrenderd! Why, this ends the biznis. Down goes the cur- tain. The South is conkered! conkered!! COX- KERED!!! Linkin rides into Richmond! A Illinois rale-splitter, a buttbon, a ape, a goriller, a smutty joker, sets hisself down in President Da- vis's cheer, and rites despatchis ! \\'here are the 302 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. matrons iiv Virginia? Did they not bare their buzzums and rush on2 the Yankee bayonets that guarded the monster? Did they not cut their childern's throtes, and wavin a Confederit flag in one hand, pkmge a meat-knife in2 their throb- bin buzzums with the tother, rather than see their city dishonored by the tred uv a conkerer's foot? Alars ! not wunst. Per contrary! I reed in the papers that they did rush wiklly thro the streets, with their chil- dern in their arms. But it wuz at the Yankee commissary trains, who give em bread and meat, wich they eat vocif- erously. Their buzzums wuz bare. But it wuz becoz their cloze hed worn out, and they did n't know how to weave cloth for new wuns. In breef, they actid about ez mean ez a jNTorth- ern Dimekrat ever did, and to go lower is unnes- sary. This ends the chapter. The Confederasy hez at last consentratid its last consentrate. It's ded. It 's gathered up its feet, sed its last words, and deceest. And with it the Dimokrasy hez likewise given up the ghost. It may survive this, but I THE FALL OF RICHMOND. 303 can't sec how. We staked our political fortune on it; we went our bottom dollar on it; it's gone up, and we ditto. Linkin will serve his term out — the tax on whisky won't be repeeled — our leeders will die off uv chagrin, and delirium tre- mens and inability to live so long out uv offis, and the sheep will be skattored. Farewell, vane world. I '11 embrace the Catholic foith and be a nun, and in a cloister find that rest that pollytix kin never give. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Bispensashun. 304 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. LXXXVI. THE ASSASSINATION. Saint's Rest, (wicb is in the Stait uv Noo GerseyJ ) April the 20lh, 1865. I The nashen mourns ! The hand uv the vile assassin hez bin raised agin the Groril — the head uv the nashen, and the people's Father hez fallen beneath the hand uv a patr — vile assassin. While Aberham Linkin wuz a livin, I need not say that I did not love him. Blessed with a mind uv no ordinary dimensions, endowed with all the goodness uv Washinton, I alluz bleevd him to hev bin guilty uv all the crimes uv a Nero. No man in Noo Gersey laments his untimely deth more than the undersined. I commenst weepin perfoosely the minit I diskivered a squad uv returned soljers cumin round the corner, who wuz a forsin coiistooshnel Dimekrats to hang out mournin. Troo, he didn't agree with me, but I kin over- look that — it wuz his misforchoon. Troo, he hung unoffendin men, in Kentuck}^, whose only crime wuz in bein loyal to what tJici/ deemed their guv- erment, ez tho a man in this free country coodent THE ASSASSINATION. 305 choose wich guverment he'd live under. Troo, he made cold-blooded war, in the most feendish manner, on the brave men uv the South, who wuz only assertin the heven-born rite uv roolin their- selves. Troo, he levied armies, made up uv j^imps, whose cheefest delite wuz in ravishin the wives and daughters uv the South, and a miscel- laneous burnin their houses. Troo, he kept in2 offis jist sich men ez wood sekund him in his hell- begotten skeems, and dismist every man who re- fused to becum ez depraved ez he wuz. Troo, he wood read uv these scenes uv blood and carnage, and in high glee tell filthy anecdotes ; likewise wood he ride over the feeld uv battle, and ez the wheels uv his gorgus carriage crushed into the shudrin earth the bodies uv the fallen braves, sing Afrikin melodies. Yet I, in common with all troo Dimckrats, weep ! We weep ! AVe wish it to be distinkly understood, we weep! Thcr wuz that in him that Instinktively forsis us to weep over his deth, and to loathe the foul assassin who so suddenlv re- moved so much loveliness uv cliarikter. lie lied ended the war uv oppression — he lied subjoogatid a free and brave pecple, who were strugglin for their rites, and hed em under his feet; but I, in common with all Dimekrats, mourn his deth ! 306 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Hed it happened in 1862, when it wood hev bin uv sum yoose to us, we wood not be so bowed down with wo and anguish. It wood hev throde the guverment in2 confusion, and probably hev sekoored the independence uv the South. But, alas ! the tragedy cum at the wrong time ! Now, we are saddled with the daranin crime, when it will prodoose no results. The war wuz over. The game wuz up when Richmond wuz evacuated. Why kill Linkin then? For re- venge? Revenge is a costly luxury — a party so near bankrupt ez the Dimokrasy can not afford to indulge in it. The wise man hez no sich word ez revenge in his dixonary — the fool barters his hope for it. Didst think that Linkin's deth would help the South? Linkin's hand wuz velvet — Johnson's may be, to the eye, but to the feel it will be found iron. Where Linkin switched, Johnson will flay. Where Linkin banished, Johnson will hang. Davis wuz shocked when he heard it — so wuz I, and, in common with all troo Dimekrats, I weep. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo JDispensashun. PETROLEUM V. NASBY. 307 LXXXVII. "MAKES A DELEGASHUN UV HISSELF," AND VISITS THE PRESIDENT. Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey, ) May the 2]st, 1865. I All the Staits uv the North, and the heft uv them resently subjoogatid, all the sosieties, asso- ciashuns and churchis that ever I heerd uv, hev sent delegashuns for the purpus uv volunteerin advice 2 Jonson, the noo President. Feelin that Noo Gersey shood not be behind in the advice bizniss, I electid myself a delegashun, borrered a clene shirt, and traveled 2 Washinton. I wuz announst ez "a delegashun frum Noo Gersey," and wuz to wunst usherd in2 the presents. "Wher is the delegashun?" ejakoolatid the President; "hurry em up, for I've thirteen more to rcseeve this afternoon." "Androo Jonson," sed I, impressivly, "I repre- sent Noo Gersey, a Stait that hez jest dun honor to the deceest President." "Troo, returnd he; "sich Staits honor patriots — after they 're dead." "I resent the insinooasliun, with skorn. Ez proof that the murder uv the President wrung 308 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. the popler hart uv Noo Gersey, let me say, sir, that the Camden and Amboy Drekturs, at a meetin calld for the pcrpus, abslootely vutid 2 carry the corj)se uv the deceest President over the road for half-fare ! a honor never be4 akordid to enny livin er ded individjooal. But let that pars. Noo Grersey needs no speshl pleeder. Ther she stands. Look at her — ef yoo hev a mycro- scope. "I cum, Androo, ez a originel Dimekrat, who, whatever other sins he may hev committed, never skratcht his tikkit er dilootid his whisky. In be- haff uv that Dimokrasy I speak. "Ez hez bin menshund 2 yoo wunst er twiet, a immense responsibility rests on yoor sholders. The Suthern Staits struggled for their rites, but were squelcht. They fought like heroes, but fell, becoz uv overpowrin numbers agin em. They 're down — yoor iron heel is on2 their necks. "SMiat will yoo do? Will yoo grind em, er will yoo be magnanimus ? "Wunst we wuz a happy nashen, and we kin be so agin — it rests with yoo. Yoo must consili- ate the Dimokrasy. Our party Xorth is mag- nanymus. We stand reddy to forgive yoo for hevin draftid us, for hevin taxt us to support a unconstooshnel war, providin you '11 stop now. VISITS THE PRESIDENT. 309 Woo our Suthern brethrin back with jentle words. They air a high-sperited and sensitive race, that kin never be subjoogatid. Take em agin 2 yer buzzum, and don't hoomiliate em bv de2;radin condishns. Give em a chanse 2 fergive us for whalin uv em. Restore ther niggers, pay ther war debt, invite Magoffin, and Vance, and Brown, and the rest uv the guvners, back 2 their various caj^itols — ^give Lee, and Forist, and Boregard tlier j^osishuns in the regUir army, and penshun the disabled Confedrit heroes. " Ther must n't be no hangin. You 've got that unfortnit staitsman, Davis — he fell in2 yoor hands becoz he wuz ignorent uv the style uv yoor (lait Linkin's) minyuns. lie mite hev knode that the soljers never seed a woman takin to the woods without chasin her. But he must not be hung. Dimokrasy looks upon the matter thus. "You can't hang a man for conspirin agin a guvment onless he talks up arms. "Ef a few take up arms it's only a riot, and no hangin matter, 'cept when Ablishnists like John Brown do it. In sich cases hangin is alluz in order. "Ef a number uv Staits do it, it 's a rcvolooshen, and them ez yoo capcher must be treeted ez 310 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. bellyjiggerants and prizners uv war. To hang prizners uv war, Androo, is murder. " This would probably satisfy the South. At the North less is reqwired. The Dimokrasy is easily consiliatid. Give our leeders enuif of the offisis 2 support em, with the privilidge uv man- agin things 2 soot us, and the trubble is ore. On them terms we '11 support yoor Administrashen, or enny uther man's, corjelly and hartily, and peese will agin wave her white pinyuns over the land, and will continyoo 2 wave em ontil the Suthern hart is agin fired. ''I hev dun — ]N'oo Gersey hez spoke." I rather spect my words will bare froot. Look out for a change uv polisy. Peteoleum V. JN'asby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the JS^oo Bisjjensashun. SONNIT 2 A LITTER OF PIGS. 311 Lxxxvin. SONNIT-2 A LITTER UY LITTLE PIGS. Root on! root on! ye sportiv little pigs! Ah ! cood ye uv the fucher hev a site, Yoor little tails wood not kurl up so tite, But droop despondin down yoor hinder legs. Yoo live o'erwell — uv food yoo hev no lack; But 'tis not luv that gives yoo daily swill — 'T is not the promptins uv a gen'rus will — Yoor karkasis must pay the trubble back; Yoo '11 all kum 2 it when yoor sumwhat fatter, Stuck, dressed, and served up, roasted on a platter. As shoor ez fiite the unfeelin butcher's steel Will cut yoor windpipe, spite uv kick or squeal. [Here cums in the moral, wich wuz segestcd by my bor- rerin munny wunst at ten per cent., givin a mortgage on a farm, and renooin till the farm wuz eaten up.] Yoo '11 tred the path so old and so well beaten, Fed first by man, and then by mankind eaten ! 312 PETROLEUM V. XASBY. LXXXIX. HAS A VISION. Saint's Rest, (wicli is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) ) May the ^\st, 1865. J Dreems wuz common in the old skriptooral times, and wuz considerd ez profetikle. I hed a dreem larst nite, wich may or not mene suthin. Ef it may, Lord help the undersined, is my prayer, continooally. I dreemd I wuz ded^that, assistid by a tyfus fever and 2 dokters, I hed bustid the bonds uv mortality, and hed sored 2 the unknone hereafter. Up I went to the gates uv the tother world, wher I wuz confrontid by Peter. "Wher yoo frum?" sez he. "Noo Grersey," sez I. "Wuz yoo a good cittyzen?" sez he. "I wuz a Dimekrat who never skratcht a tik- kit," sez I. "Hev yoo votid that tikkit for the larst 4 yeers, and kin yoo rede?" sez he. "I hev and kin," sez I. "Then yoor place is below," sez he. "Git." Wich I did. HAS A VISION. 313 I met his Majesty, Satan the I, at his duur, and he wclconid me corjelly. I wnz disappintid in his persnel appeerance. lie wuz a middle-ajed man, gentlemanly in style, resemblin Geff'son Davis very much, only hevin a more intellectooal cast uv eountenanse. "Welkum," sez he. "I hcv hin spectin yoo smii time. Welkum, welkum!" "llev yoo mcnny uv the Dimokrasy with yoo," sez I. "Xot menny uv the ginooine Koperheds," sez he. "Uv coarse, yoo hevn't," sez I; "we overage ez good ez" — "That's not it," sez he, gazin onto me with a expreshun uv intense fondnis, "tliat's not jist it. All but about 10 or 11 frum eech county git out by i)lecdin ignorence, and idiocy, and sich. But it's all rite. I make it up by hevin a hevier force 2 spcire 2 stir up the few leeders. Yoo kin rede 2)rint, can't yoo?" he askt ankshusly. "I kin," sez I. "All rite," sez he. "Gefferson Davis will be along in a few months, tho ef he don't show more man than he did when he wuz caught, he 11 make poor amoosement." "lie's a disgrace 2 his socks — he ort 2 hc\' bin a woman," sez I. 20 314 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. "Troo," retorts ho; "but, cz Shakspeer sez, 'there's a divinity that shapes our ends.' Then Alec Stephens!" "Will yoo git him? He wuz originelly opposd 2 seceshn." "That's my best holt. Davis wuz alluz a se- cesh ; Bengamin wuz, becoz he thawt it wood pay — on them I 've hed a morgige ever sense they arrived at the yeers uv akountability. Ste- phens knode seceshn wuz wrong — he can't pleed ignorance nor nuthin, for he warnd his peeple agin it, and then wuz bot up in2 doin it hisself for the poor privilig uv playin 2d fiddle to Geff Davis, who drawd a mizable bow hisself. I 've ded wood on him." " Tell me, gentle sir," sez I, " how about Fer- nandywood, Vallandigum, et al, ez the lawyers say." "In doo time they're mine," sez he. "They can't save themselves by repentanse, even. They are now past forty, and if they 'd commense in ded ernest, tryin to do ez much good ez they hev bad, and lived till they wuz ez old ez Methoozeler, they couldn't make a commencement toward bal- ancin the books. By the way, speekin uv Me- thooseler, I hed to wate pashently for customers in them days, when men lived 900 yeers." HAS A VISION. 315 " There 's Corry, Colorado Jewct, and Alec Long," continnerd ho, " I 've hod my eye on. Jewit and Corry I '11 lose — there 's a place out- side uv my goorisdicshen for sich. They ain't responsible, yoo see. The devils that avuz cast out uv the man and took refuge in the swine, left the swine when they wuz drowndid, and hev in- habitid menny men sence. Two uv em air in Corry and wun in Jewet, to-day. Alec Long hez, evry now and then, a glimrin uv sense; he shows, occashenally, surftice indicashens uv intellck, not quite enuif to make a lunatic uv him, and too much for a ideot. I may git him, and may not. But yoo will hev plenty uv compny. The stand yoor party took, druv thousands uv men in2 cus- sednis, who knode better, and who, ef let alone, wood hev dodged me. I hev an eye on sum who denounst Yallandigum, and yet, when the screws wuz brot down on2 em — and, by the way, jist sich ez yoo turnd them sed screws, (and he pokt me jockelerly in the ribs) — actilly presided at Yallan- digum meetins, and votid for him. Then, after he wuz defeetid, they swore tliey didn't vote for him at all, addin a dirty lie to the original sin, wich is givin the devil, (ez yoo stile me,) his due, with compound interest. 316 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. "But Qxcoose me — I '11 show yoo 2 yoor apart- mence. This way, my deer sir." I obgectid to goin, and looked anxshusly around for a escape. Observin this, a change cum o'er the polite gentleman afore me. His eyes glistend, a sulfrus streem ishood frum his mouth, his feet partid in2 hoofs, his fingers elengatid in2 claws. I observed a tale peepin down under his cote ; in short, he was transformd in2 the identicle devil I hed seen on sevral occashens, when labrin un- der attax uv delirium tremens, sooperindoost by drinkin a barl or so too much elecshun whisky, doorin hotly-contestid campanes. He reecht one claw for me, when I awoke. 2 say I wuz rejoist at findin myself still on prayin ground, is week — 'twuz goy onspeekable. I can't interprit the dreem. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Faster uv the Church uv the JVoo Disj)ensashun. PLATFORM FOR THE CAMPAIGN. 31' XC. LAYS DOWN A PLATFORM FOR THE COMING CAM- PAIGN. Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) ) June the 23d, 1865. i These is the dark days uv the Dimokrasy. The misforchoons that iDefoll our armies in front uv Richmond, the fall uv our kappytle, follered by the surrender uv our armies 2 Grant and Sher- man, hez hurt us. Our leeders air cither pinin in loathsum dunguns, inkarseratid by the hevin- defyin, man-destroyin, tyranikle edix uv our late lamented President, or air barskin in the free air uv Italy and Canady. We hcv no way uv keepin our voters together, Opposin the war won't do no good, for before the next elekshun the heft uv our voters will hcv diskiverd that the war is over. The feer uv drafts may do suthin in sum parts uv Pennsylvany and Suthern Illinoy, for sum time yit, but that can't be dependid on. But we hev wun resource for a ishoo — ther will alluz be a Dimokrasy so long as thcr 's a nigger. Ther is a uncompromisin dislike to the nigger in the mind uv a ginooine Dimekrat. Tlie Span- 318 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. ish biill-figliter, when he wants to inflame the bull to extra cavortin, waves a red flag afore him. Wen yoo desire a Dimekrat to froth at the mouth, yoo will find a black face will anser the perpus. Tliere4, the nigger is, to-day, our best and only holt. Let us use him. For the guidance uv the faithful, I shel lay down a few plain rools to be observed, in order to make the most uv the cappytle we hev: 1. Alluz assert that the nigger will never be able to take care uv hisself, but will alluz be a public burden. He may, j^ossibly, give us the lie by goin to work. In sich a emergency the dooty uv every Dimekrat is plane. He must not be allowed to work. Associashens must be or- genizd, pledgd to neether give him employment, to work with him, to work for enny one who will give him work, or patronise enny wun who duz. (I wood sejest that sich uv us ez hez bin for- choonit enuff 2 git credit, pay a trifle on account, so ez to make our patronige worth suthin.) This course, rigidly and persistently follerd, wood drive the best uv em to steelin, and the balence to the poor-houses, provin wat we hev alluz claimd, that they air a idle and vishus race. Think, my brethren, wat a inspirin effeck our poor-houses and jails full uv niggers wood hev on the people! PLATFORM FOR THE CAMPAIGN. 319 My sole expands ez I contemplait the deliteful vision. 2. Likewise assert that the nic-o-er will come North, and take all the good places, thro win ;dl our skilld mekaniks out uv work by underbiddin uv em. This mite be open to 2 obgecshuns, to- wit: It crosses slitely Rool the 1, and men mite say, ef there 's jist enuif laber for wat 's here, why not perhibit furriners frum cumin? I anser: It's the biznis uv the voter to reconsile the contradik- shun — he may bleeve either or both. Ez to the sekund obgeckshun, wher is the Dimekrat who coodent be underbid, and stan it even to starva- shen, ef the underbidden wuz dun by a man uv the proud Kaukashen race ? and wher is the Dim- ekrat so lost to manhood ez not to drink blud, ef the same underbiddin is dun by a ni2:2:er? The starvin for work ain't the question — it 's the color uv the cause uv the starvashen that maiks the diffrens. Nigger equality may be workt agin, 2 advan- tage. All men, without distinckshun uv seeks, air fond uv flatrin theirselves that sumbody 's lower down in the skalc uv humanity than they is. Ef 't wan't for niggers, what wood the Dimok- rasy do for sumboddy 2 look down upon ? It 's also shoor to enlist wun stile uv wiuimen on our 320 PETROLEUM Y. XASBY. side. In times gone by, I 've notist gnsliin vir- gins uv 45, full 16 hands high and tuif ez wire, holdin aloft banners onto wich wuz inscribd — • "Save us frum Nigger Equality." Yoo see it soothed em 2 hev a chanse uv advertisin, 1st, That they wuz frale, helplis critters ; and, 2d, That, anshent and tuif ez they wuz, sum wun wuz still goin for em. Ef ther ain't no niggers, sentrel committis must furnish em. A half dozen will do for a ordnary county, ef they 're hustled along with energy. Ef they won't steel, the sentrel committis must do it theirselves. Show yer niggers in a township in the mornin, an the same nite rob the clothes-lines and hen-roosts. Ever willin 2 sacrifice myself for the cause, I volunteer to do this latter dooty in six populus countis. These ijees, ef follerd, will, no doubt, keep us together until our enemies split, Avhen we will reep the reward uv our constancy and fidelity. May the Lord hasten the day. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Disjwnsashun. SONNIT — 2 A OLD HOSS. 321 XCI. SONNIT-2 A OLD HOSS. A ALLEGORY — SEJESTED BY THE MELONKOLY SPEKTAKLE UV A DIMEKRAT OUT UV OFFIS FOR 6 YEARS. MiZABLE quaderped ! thy sharpened back, Edged up by hunger, lumped and ridged, Thy wunst plump form by famine fowl abridged, Betokens eggsile long from fodder rack. And totle abstinence from oats. Say, hoss, Wat are yoo thinkin about? Do yoo still dwell On long ago, when oats yoor frame did swell, And when another, not a drayman, wuz yoor boss? Do yoo still dream uv colthood, when, uv traces free, Yoo nipt the clover in yoor native feelds, And in sheer wildness kick-ed up yoor heels, And reigned the monark uv tlic bucheous lea! Dismiss the thot, poor brute, uv hoss the gost, Yoo dream uv clover, but yoo wake to post!* * Alloodin to a barberous practis uv tyin bosses to posts, and nllowin uv em to stand all day without food. The poor beasts becum famisht, »nd gnaw the posts, wich is faceshusly called fecdin cm post-oats, [losses hev bin known to die from too libral allowances uv this kind uv fodder. Alas! wat a strikin picter this pome presents uv a Bookannon post-master. Alas! S2'2 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. XCII. MEETS A " RECONSTRUCTID SUTHERN SHIVELRY, AND HEZ CONFIDENCES." Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) ) Jui»/ the V2(h, 1865. I I HEV bin in Washinton, and while ther I wuz intcrdoost to Gineral Marion Sumptcr Fitzhoo Gusher, uv Mississippy. I wuz anxious 2 meet with a representativ Dimekrat uv the South, 2 interchange views, to hev soothin confidencis, to unbuzzum, becoz for the past 4 yeers the Dime- kratik party hez bin trooly seckshnal, and the seckshun it hez okkepied is not the identikle seckshun onto wich the orfises is lokatid, and only by a perfeck union with our wunst-loved brethren uv the South, kin we ever git onto trooly nashnel ground. Gineral Gusher is a troo gentleman of the raal Suthern skool. He puts C. S. A. arter his name onto the hotel register, and his rings, buzzum-j^in, and the hed uv his cane, is all made uv the bones uv mizable Yankee soldiers who fell at Bull Run — he sez by his own hand, and it must be so, for who ever knode a Suthern man to boast vain- " RECONSTRUCTID SUTHERN SHIVELRY." 3J3 gloriously? Wc met and embraced, wecpin pro- foosely. "Alars!" sobbed the Gineral, "wat a nitcmarc hez obskoord our respective vishuns for the past 4 ycers! I wuz alluz a Union man, alluz! alluz ! alluz ! The old flag I loA'd with more nor ])a- rental affeckshun — 2 me it wuz more nor life!" "Why, then, my Ajacks," sobbed I, "did you raise your parisidle hand agin it?" "Why, my beloved! Because MY STAIT seecsht, and I wuz carried along by a torrent uv public opinion, wich I cood not stem, and I went with her. But it 's all over. We hev awoke, and I 'm here in the capital uv my beloved coun- try, under the shadder uv that glorious flag wich is the pride uv Americans and the terror uv all weak nashens wich hez territories contiguous, reddy to talk a oath, and resoom the citizenship I laid orf, and agin run the guverment for its own honor and glory." " Ilev yoo a pardon?" says I. "Methinks, wunst a paper reecht my humble village, wich is unanimously Dimekratik — it cum around a pack- age of goods from Noo York — and in that paper I saw your name ez wun uv the ortiscrs wIm killed the niggers at Fort Biller. Am I rite?" " You air. I 'm a gushin child uv naclier — I 'm 324 PETROLEUM Y. XASBY. enthoosiastic. Labrin under the same deloosion that secesht us, I bleevd at that time that I wuz doin a good thing in killin them property uv ours that Linkin hed shovd bloo kotes onto. I hev no apologies to offer — I am now writin a justificashen. "I, and I speek for thousands uv the shivel- rous sons uv the South, who would like a good square meal wunst more, am willin to be consili- atid. The oppertoonity is now offered the guver- ment to consiliate us. We are returnin prodygle sons — kill yoor fattid veel, and bring out yoor gold rings and purple robes, and sich. We ask condishns — we shel insist on terms ; but we air disposed to be reasonable. We are willin to ac- knoledge the soopremacy uv the guverment, but there must be no humiliashcn. A proud, high- spiretid people, like us uns, won't stand it — no sir, we can not, Ther must be no hangin, no con- fisticashen, no disfranchisin. We are willin to step back jest as we stept out, resoomin our old status, trustin to engineerin to git sech uther pints ez air not here enoomeratid. Without them con- dishns, the Union wood not be wun uv hart — 'twood be holler mockery. Wat we are goin for is a Union foundid on luv, wich is strongerer and more solider than muskits. Harts is trumps — let the platform be harts, and all is well." "But, Gineral," sez I, "in all this \vat do yoo pcrpose for us JSTorthern Dimekrats ? " "Towards thorn our bowils melt with liiv. We forgive yoo. Ef yoo kin take the old attitood, well and good — ef not" — "Hold!" sez I, "don't threat. A ginooine jS'orthern Dimekrat wants but little here below, but wants that little long. Give him a small post-orfis, a nigger-driver to look up to, and a nigger to look down to, and he is soopreemly happy. Ef a angel in glory wuz two offer 2 trade places with him, harp, golden crown and all, he would ask odds." "Uv course them positions yoo kin hev — we don't want em. All we ask is to make the plat- forms, and hev sicli orfises ez hawty, high-toned men kin afford 2 take, and yoo uns kin hev the rest. "But wun thing must be understood. The scenes uv the Charleston Convention must never be re-enactid — their must be no more Duglissis. Under the new dispensashun yoo dance whenever we fiddle, askin no questions. The Suthern hart nmst never agin be fired — it would consume itself. "Ez soon ez I hev took the oath, I shel imme- jitly go hum and run for Congris — see to it that ye hev enuff Dimekrats Iher, that we, jinlly, kin 326 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. control things. Uv coarse, in a Union uv luv, ther must be equality. Linkin's war debt must never be pade, onless ourn is; his hirelins must never be pensioned, unless our patriots is. Wat a deliteful spectacle ! Men, who, yisterday, wuz a gougin eech other onto the feeld of battle, to-day a drawin penshuns amikably, from the same treas- ury! The eagle wood flop his wings with goy, and angels wood exclame, "Bully!" I am disa- bled from wounds received on the feeld, and re- joice that our penshun laws is so libral. "Go home, my frend, and marshel for the con- flict. Tell yoor centrel committis to collect ex- pense munny, and I, and Ginral Forist, and Kernel Moseby, and Champ Ferguson, and Dick Turner, and Boregard, and perhaps that noble old hero, (take orf yoor hat while I pernounce his gellorus name,) Ginral Robert E. Lee, will cum up and stump the North for yoor tikits. I hev dun. I go." "ISToble man," thot I, ez he stalkt magestically away, takin, in a abstractin manner, my new hat and umbreller, leavin his old wuns, "who cood- ent foller thee, and sich ez thee, forever and for- ever?" Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Faster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, DREAMS A. DREAM." 327 XCIII. DREAMS A DREAM. Saint's Rest, (wicli is in tlie Stait uv Noo Gersey, Jubj the 21*/, 1865. ! Dreems is becomin the most commonest recre- ation I hev. I don't know whether these dreems is the sperit uv prophecy, sugar-coated witli sleep, or whether they are sooperindoost by tlie reglar three-quarters uv a pound uv tripe I eat at about 11 J P. M.; but dreems I hev Last nite I dreemed that I hed bridiid time, and wuz set ahead about nine months, wich time brings forth events in pollytiks, ez well ez in other things too tejus to menshun. Methot the South hed bin consilliatid and re- constructid, and hed cum back into the sisterhood uv Staits, ez sisters ginrally cum back after a quarrel. South Carliny wuz representid in the house by Ginral Swasher, and all the llhett.s, et settry, and Missippy by a dozen or 2 kernels and ginrals, for that Stait sent none to Congress ceptin its heroes. Geffson Davis wuz a candidait. but hevin sed, in his vs^A for ropudiasln'ii. tliat ho wuz for repudiatin all (l('l)ts, his constitooency wuz 328 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. afraid that he mite inclood the Confedrit war debt, so they defected him, and electid Ginral McGoujum, who held that the Fedral war debt wiiz unconstooshnel, and must be repudiatid, while the Confederasy's lied ought to be paid ez a con- silatory measure. The ginooine Dimokrasy uv the jN^orth lied electid enuff members to give the South control uv Congris. In my dreem I wuz seatid in the gallery uv the House. A member frum Noo York wuz intro- doosin a bill appropriatin a sum uv money for the purpose uv erectin a monument to the mem- ory uv the Union soljers who fell at Grettysburg. No sooner hed the fanatic red the title uv the bill, than Ginral McGoujum and Swasher, and Kernel Pelter, uv Georgy, w^alked over to his seet, and with their canes beet him over the lied twenty or fifteen minits. He wuz carried out for ded. Ginral McGoujum claimd the floor. "Mr. Speeker," sed he, "I'mbilin! Indigna- shen is a heevin and tossin my shivelrus sole in a most tremenjusly toomulchus stile. I am, Mr. Speeker, a cittyzen uv this gellorus Republic. I stand here, 2-day reconstructid and consillyatid — a loyal man. I hev took the oath, and sence hev violatid no rool or custom uv this House. I hev drawd my pay promptly — I hev even wented so "dreams a dream." 3i>'j fur in the spcrit uv fergivcnis and Cliri.-stiau char- ity, ez to take that pay in grecnbax, instid uv dc- mandin gokl, notwithstandin every wun u\ em bears the portrait uv that fcendish ape, that thirster after gore, that descroyer uv habis eor- pusis and constooshnel rites, our hite Lainentid President. After makin these sacrificis, shel I sit here canily, and allow a negro-steelin Yankee to insult the South with alloosions to Gettysburg, and sich? Never! Shel a Noo York missofj-en- nygenashunist, in this ere hall, perpose 2 appro- priate the treasure uv our common country to commemorate a field on wieli my constitooency wuz walloped, without rebuke ? Never ! He hez bin rebuked — let him heed the warnin." Several Ablishn members riz, but the Dimok- rasy wuz firm, and woodent let em speek. The Southern members wuz a goin to withdraw in a body, wen Fernandywood rose and per^Dosed a compermise, ez follows : That harmony and good feelin shood pre vale, hentz4th and forever. The word "war" shel never bo yoosed in these hall; that, whenever referred to, it shel be termed " misunderstandins." That the flags, cannon, and sieh-like trophies, 21 330 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. found by tlic Fedral army in various parts uv the Southern Staits, be to wunst destroyed. That penshuns be pade to the misunderstand- inists from both sekshuns, for servises renderd the guverment. That the very fiekls on2 wich these misunder- standins occurred, be plowed over at the expense uv the guverment. That no book be publisht givin any akount uv prison-life, or sich. That bunkum orators in this House draw their alloosions to our military fame solely from the Mexikin war. The compermise wuz uv coarse adoptid. Ez the vote wuz announst, Grinral McGoujum and Fer- nandywood rusht in2 eech uther's arms, and wept down eech uther's bax, while Kernel Pelter waved a flag over em, formin a picter trooly tetchin. " Thank hevin," I exclaimed, ez I awoke frum this refreshin sleep, "Brooks is ded, but his sperit still lives — ^liis sole is marchin on. So long ez we hev a Southern Dimokrasy to demand, and a Northern Dimokrat to give, all will be well. Bless the Lord!" Petroleum V. Nasbt, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Bispensashun. SOXNIT — 2 WHISKY. 331 XCIV. SONNIT-2 WHISKY. RITTEN "WILE UNDER THE INFLOOENSE THEREOF, OCCASION- ALLY WETTIN MY LIPS WITH THE SAIJI. "Whisky, all hale ! frum erlyest boyhood, I Hev ardently admired thy qwalities; Thowst cloathd my mind ^Yith strength — my noze in rich- est dyes — Hale, Whisky, hale ! hale, potent son uv Rye ! * When wuss grows wuss, and bad enuff gits badder, When trubble's waivs across me buzm role, A nip uv thee expands my shrunken sole,t Ez wind blowd thro a qwill expands a bladder. Water is good J — no man uv sense denies it — Search thro all nacher and yoo will not meet A artikle so good for washin feet ; But ez a bevridge — faugh ! I despise it. My sturaick turns, and for releef I fly To thee, eckstract uv corn — 2 thee, Red-eye ! *Allii(liu to the plcsant fickshun that whiaky is uiaJc uv rye, wich is not, by no menes — on the contrary, uv korn. t A poetikle ijee, expressin how "Nachcr's grate restorer" will coi a indivijjle 2 spred hisself. J Wile givin prefrence to my nachrel sustcuanao, I do not deny that yoosis may be made uv uthcr flooids, wich is libreL 332 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. xcv. ISSUES AH ADDRESS TO THE SOUTHERN DEMOCRACY. Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) | July the llst^ 1865. J To THE DiMOKRASY UV THE SUTHERX StAITS : Deerly beloved, I saloot yoo! The evence uv the past 4 yeers hev bin mo- menchus. The war hez ended — to a sooperfishel observer it wood seem disastrusly to yoo and us, but to him whose eagle eye kin pierce the misty fucher, gellorusly. Troo, we lost the orfises, and hev bin for 4 .long and weery yeers on steril ground, whose froots wuz wormy and whose water wuz bitter. So the childern uv Izrel wandered forty yeers in the wil- dernis, but they finelly found a Canan, full uv fat- nis, runnin with milk and honey, and sich, so shel we emerge into our Canan ere long. The war hez hed its uses. We hev diskivered that the Suthern Dimekrat cood be dependid on to fite; yoo hev diskivered that the Northern Dimekrat cood be depended on to do yoor dirty work, thro thick or thin, and we hev both diskiv- ered that the Ablishnist is no coward, and will ADDRESS TO THE SOUTHERN DEMOCRACY. 333 reely make sacrifices for principle. Knowin all this, we kin work intelligently in the fucher. It is the dooty now uv every Suthern Diniekrat to take the oath, to wunst, and be metamorphozd in2 loyalty. Then we 've got em. Demand, ez only a Sutherner kin demand, that the military be withdrawd, and that yoor representatives be admitted. Then, ef we kin carry eniiff deestriks K^orth, yoo hev the game in yoor own hand. But to accomplish this last feet, yoo must aid us. We hev bin unforchnit in our politikle ven- chers, and at leest wun uv our prophecies must cum troo, utherwise how kin we go afore the peo- ple? The nigger is all we've left, and the va- riety we hev up here is uv no yooso to us, for they are all earnin their own livin, and ain't crowdin white folks out uv poor-houses, at all. It's my candid convickshun that the grovel in cusses work and earn munny, jest 2 spite us. In sum locali- ties, our sagashus managers hev indoost sum uv em to drink with em, and in a few months got em into delirium tremens, and their families uv2 poor- houses. To their untuterd bowels our likk(»r is Htenin. But this can't be dun ginrally, becoz it 's all our leeders kin do to keep their own skins full. To yoo we look for aid. A enterprisin Yankee (cusses on the race !) wuz 334 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. wunst askt wat biznis he followd to make so much munny. He replide that he hed the itch, and he traveld ahed, givin it to people, his brother comin immejitly after, sellin a cure. Let us imitait their wisdom. Promptly ship to eech jN'orthern stait 200,000 old wuus who can't work, and to make asshoorence doubly shoor, starve em awhile, and run the measles and small-pox thro em. Mix with em a few thousand black wimmen with mu- latter childern, to show the horrors uv amalga- mashun. Then we 'd hev suthin to go on ! Ez we carted em in2 poor-houses, and levid taxis to support em, how our speekers wood gush ! how our papers wood howl! After 4 yeers uv fail- yoor in the prophecy biznis, the ijee uv hevin wun cum troo, sets me into a delirium tremens uv Then, immejitly, joor legislachers must pass stringent laws agin a nigger leavin his respective county, and then pass another law not allowin any man to give able-bodied wuns to exceed $5 a month. This dun, I hev faith to bleeve thousands uv em- will beg to be agin enslaved, about mid winter. Ef they will persist in dyin in freedom, we kin, at least, pint 2 ther bodis, and say in a sepulkrel tone: "Wen niggers wuz wuth ^1500, they wuz not allowd to die thus — behold the froots ADDRESS TO THE SOUTHERN DEMOCRACY. 335 uv Ablislm pliilanthropy!" Eitlior way, it's cuj)- pitlc fur us, Yoo must inkulkate the doctrin uv State Rites, zeluser tliau ever, and while yoo air gittiii yoor peeple tuned up on that, we '11 hammer away at debt and corupshun, and sich deliteful themes, and wunst more we '11 git the Ahlishnist under our feet. I hev indikatid breefly the ginral outlines uv the polisy we must pursoo ef we wood succeed. Uther ijees will sejest themselves to yoo — let us hev em, and we '11 act on em. In conclooshun. Be wary and untirin. Re- member, on yoo depends the politikle forchoons uv the thousands who wunst held offis, but who hev bin to grass for 4 long weery yeers. We must succeed now or never. Petroleum V. Xasby, Lait Faster uv the Church uv the Noo Diapenmshun. 336 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. XCVI. SEARCHES THE SCRIPTURES, AND GETS COMFORT THEREFROM. Saint's Rest, (vvich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) ] August the llth, 18G5. i The contemplashen uv the nigger hez, in time past, given me a grate deel uv trouble. Xigger hez to me bin a inkubus — a nitemare. I never cooci see why the species wuz created ; never cood I understand why they wuz put onto the face uv the earth, any more than toads or other disgustin obgecks. But last nite a lite bust onto me — I seed it all ! I wuz low-sperited and deprest. Jeif Davis a pinin in a loathsum dungun — the English cappi- talists a mournin for their cotton-bonds, and re- fusin to be comforted because the Confedrasy is not — Mrs. Surratt a danglin in the air — military courts plenty and habis corpusis skarce — the loose- nis with wich people put ther munny into 7-30' s — the soljers returnin and goin for constooshnel Dimekrats, and the ginral demoralization uv Di- mokrasy, all conspired to give me the horrors, and to add to my distress, the jug wuz out ! To avoid madnis, I took up the Bible, (I board with a justice SEARCHES THE SCRIPTURES. 337 uv^ the peace, who hcz to keep one to sware wit- nesses on,) and happend to open at the 9th chap- ter iiv Jennysis. Yoo know all about that blessid chapter. Xoer, after the water went down, cum down from Aryrat, went into farmin, and planted grapes extensive. One day he took a nip too much, and laid down with insuflfishent clothin onto him. His 2d son. Ham, seed him in that fix, and when Xoer awoke, while his hair wuz still pullin, he cust him, and his posterity, and sed they shood be servance forever. Ham (wich in the original nel)rew signifies a hind-quarter uv a hog,) wuz the father uv the Afrikins, and they hev bin slaves ever sence. I seed a lite to wunst — I realized the import- ance uv the nigger. He is the connectin liilk in the chanc uv circumstances wich led to the forma- shen uv the Dimekratic party. He hez kept the blessid old masheen a runnin to this day. Observe. Whisky (or wine, wich is the same thing,) made Xoer tight. Ham seed Noer inebriated. Noer cust Ham, wich turned him into a niirirer and a servant. That the Skripters mite be fulfilled, the chil- 33S PETROLEUM V. NASBY. dern iiv Ham wuz brot to Amerika, to be serv ance here. Wikkid men set themselves agin the Skripters, and tried to make men uv the niggers. The Dimekratik party ariz for the piirpus uv keepin the nigger down, and that delitefid biznis hez given them employment for mor'n 30 yeers. Ez I shet the book I cood not help remarkin, in the words uv the sammist: " Grood Lord, upon what slender threds • Hang everlastin things ! " Sposin Noer, instid uv plantin grapes, hed gone to practisin law, or into the grocery biznis, or buyin prodoose on commishn, or puttin up pat- ent medicins — he woodent hev got inebriated; he woodent hev cust Ham. Ham woodent hev turned black; there woodent hev been no nig- gers, no Ablishnists, and, consequently, no Dime- krats. Or, sposn all uv Ham's childern lied taken diptheria, and died; the same results wood hev follered. Whisky made nigger — nigger made Dimokrasy. Take away whisky and nigger, and Dimokrasy woodent be uv no more akkount than a one-armed man at a raisin. SUGGESTS A " PSALM OF SADNESS." 33U Whisky! Nigger! Diinoknisy ! 0, savory trinity ! We do n't none uv read tlie Skripters enuff Petkoleum V. Xasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Disj^ensashun. XCVII. SUGGESTS A "PSALM OF SADNESS" FOR HIS FRIENDS SOUTH. Saint's Rest, (wicli is in the Stait uv Noo Gcrsey,) ) September the 12th, 18G5. ) The utter and abgect state uv eussitood into wick the Dimokrasy find theirselves, North and South, makes a day uv fastin approprit. Ef the Lord is ever a goin 2 help us, now 's his time. Ef my clerikle brethrin uv the Church Soutli deside to appint a day uv fastin and prayer, I submit the follerin ez a sam uv aguiiy, approprit for the occasion : A SAM UV AGONY. On the street I see a nigger! On his back a coat uv bloo, and he carryrlh a muskit. 340 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. He is provo-guard, and he halteth me, ez wun hevin authority. And my tender daughter spit on him, and lo! he arrested her, and she languisheth in the guard- house. M}^ eyes dwell on him, an my sole is a Artesian well uv wo ; it gusheth with greef. For that nigger wuz my nigger ! I bought him with a price. Alas ! that nigger is out uv his normal con- dishn : he is a star out uv its speer, which sweep- eth thro the politikle hevens, smashin things. Normally, he wuz wuth gold and silver — now he is a nitemare. Wunst I wuz rich, and that nigger wuz the basis thereof. Wo is me! I owned him, sole, body, muscles, sinoos, blood, boots, and brichis. His intellek wuz mine, his body wuz mine, like- wise his labor and the froots thereof. His wife wuz mine, and she wuz my conkebine. The normal results uv the conkebinage I sold, combining pleasure and profit in a eminent de- gree. And on the price thereof I played looker, and drank mint-gooleps, and rode in gorgus chariots, and wore purple and fine linen every day. A "psalm of sadness." 3-U Wuz this miscegenasliun, or negro equulit} ? Not any. For she wuz mine, even as my ox, ur my horse, or my sheep, and her increase wuz mine, even as wuz theirs. Ablishn misceffenashun elewates the nit:i;-er wench to his leveh I did it for gain, wich de- graded her muchly. And when the wife of my buzm lifted up her voice in complaint, sayin, "Lo, I am abused — this little nigger resembleth thee!" half the price uv the infant chattel wood buy a dimund pin with wich to stop her yawp. And my boys follered in my footsteps, and grate wuz the mix, but profitable. But my dreem is bustid. The nigger is free, and demands wages for the work uv his hands. His wife is free, and she kin decide whellier she '11 cleave to her husband, or be my conke- bine. Yisterday I bade her come to me, and, lo! .she remarkt, " Go 'way, white man, or 1 '11 bust ycr hed." And I gode. Her childern are free — they arc mine, likewise, but I can't sell em on the block, to the highest bidder. 342 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. Therein Linkin sinned — he violatid the holiest and highest instinks uv our nacher ; he interposed a prochimashen atween father and chih.1. We took the heathen from Afreka, and wuz a makin Christians uv em. Wo to him who stopt us in our mishnary work. It is written — "Kin the Ethiope change his skin?" I wuz a changin it for him, I and my fathers, and we hed mellerd it down to a brite yaller. Dark is ray fucher. I obeyed the grate law uv labor, ez I served in the army, by substitoot. ISTow shel I hev to stane my hands with labor, or starve. In what am I better than a N'orthern mudsill? I kin git no more dimund pins for the wife uv my buzm, and she yawpeth continyooaly. Arrayd in hum-spun, she wrastles with pots and kettles in the kitchen. Weighed down with wo, she dips snuff in si- lence. She asks uv me comfort — wat kin I say, whose pockits contane only Confedrit skrip? Save us from Massychusits, wich is ornery and cussid. Protect us from nigger soljers, wich is grinnin feends. HAS A DREAM. 343 Shelter us from the ghost iiv John Brown, wich is marchin on. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Lispensashun. XCVIII. HAS A DREAM WHICH UNVEILS THE FUTURE. [Note to the Reader. — The follerin vision hez no alloosion watevcr to poUyticks, or to the state uv our wunst happy but now distractid country. The drcem, however, made a impression on my susceptible mind, and I tling it to the world. Ef one individooal is reclaimed from the paths uv seltish sin, and indoost to meander in the smooth and narrer ways uv self-sacrificin goodnis, I am rewarded for the labor uv puttin it on pa- per.— P. V. N.] I DREEMED last nite that I hed shuffled off this mortal coil, and wuz in the land uv the hereafter. Methawt I wuz decently deceest, hed bin genteelly buried, and a toom-stun, on wich wuz inscribed enuff virchoos to furnish a dozen saints, hed bin erected to my memry. I blusht a sperit blush when I red that stun, and diskiverd what a eggs- emplary man I hed bin. Likewise, a auction wuz made uv my estate, wich wuz incloodid in a red bandanner trunk. My sperit hed ascendid, and I wuz at tlie outer gate uv heven, knockin for admittance. The sea- 344 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. son hcd bin a pekooliarly heltliy wun, and cz the, doorkeeper hcd n't much to do, while my case wuz bein decidid on, I amoozed myself ascertain in the wherabouts uv my old acquaintances who lied de- ceast doorin the past ten yeers. "Got enny quantity uv my old frends up here?" sez I, inquirinly. "JN^ot menny," sez he. "Deekin Smathers is here, I spose?" sez I. "jN'ot enny," sez he. "Why," sez I, "the deekin wuz the heftiest man we hed at a prayer, and no deekin cood be more zelus in keepin the congregashun strate." "Troo," sed he, "but, alars ! the deekin kept his eagle-eye fixt so intently on his naber's feet, that his own got off the road, and when he pulled up, 't want at the place he calkilatid on. His prayers wuz pleasin, but ez they was n't backed up by DOiN things in proportion, they didn't pass cur- rent up here." "How about Elder Black? He wuz a charita- ble soul — no man give more to the poor than him." " The elder give away much money, but it did n't do him no good. The trooth is, the elder, in his younger days, made up his mind to git rich and be a good man both. He 'd give a wid- HAS A DREAM. 34o dcr a ten-dollar note, and to make it up wood charge a workman that amount for tools broken in his servis. He 'd swindle his naber out uv his eye-teeth in wat yoo call biznis, down below, and compromise with his religion by subscribin one- tenth uv the profits to a mishnary society. Com- permisin don't work in religion — the compermiser gives to the devil suthin uv valyoo, and reseeves in return that wich damns him. His swindlins and cheatins and oppressions wuz eggsakly bal- anst, in number, by his charities; but, ez he died wuth a half a million, the swindlin side wuz the heaviest in quality. We keep books very akerit, up here." *' Wher is good sister Muckum? She 's all rite, anyhow." " Considrably not. The old lady bleevd in the doctrin uv eleckshun, to-wit: that she wuz elected 2 be saved, and evry body else wuz elected to be damned. She used to confess, in her prayers, that she wuz a poor, mizablo sinner, but she did n't bleeve a word uv it. She meant her na- bers, all the time." "Deekin Kitt is"— "No he isn't. His nose wuz too red. The les- sons he used to give his fellows on the sul)gcck uv temprance, et settry, he never practist hisself. 22 346 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. He lied a favorit door, and beliint that door he sucked — not a honest suck — ^he tride to deseeve hisself. He loved sperits, but he spent fifteen yeers a tryin faithfully to convince hisself that he hed dispepsy, and needed whisky, reglar, to keep him up. He fooled hisself down there, but up here it's another thing." "Sister Swan, who writ them speritooal hims that wuz sung in all the Churches. Sich piety ez prodoost them effoosions must be safe." "Agin wrong. Sister Swan writ beautiful hims; but, my deer sir, she never felt them sentimence. She wuz burnt up with a itchin after fame, and sich, and writin speritooal hims happened to be her best holt. Ef she 'd a knack uv writin comik songs, she 'd hev writ em. Wun may write like Watts, but to git where Watts is, he must do ez Watts did. Yoo can't offset starvin servant girls with writin speritooal hims, enny more than yoo kin make speritooal hims take place uv the bred and taters they ought to hev." "Squire McShinnegan" — "Jined the Church to keep hisself bein contin- ooally Squire." "Bibney, the merchant" — "Kep inside the pale uv the Church for trade, but his body wuz all that wuz inside, and that HAS A DREAM. 347 jumpt out every time he went to K'oo York. His sole wuz in his goods, and it 's gone where his goods is." "Well, who hev yoo here?" "Yoo mind that nigger blacksmith who lied a pew in the back part iiv the Church. He 's here. He bleevd, honistly, and practist jest ez fur ez he knew how. He did wrong evry day, but he alluz repentid in good faith, and workt to dodge that same sin the next day. He give librelly, without blattin it all over creashun, and never paid twice ez much to hev it publish t in the noozepapers ez the gift amounted to, wich is a correct deffinishun uv ginooine charity. Then tlier 's Widder Mack- intosh" — "She never give nuthin." "Uv coarse she didn't, coz she hed n't it to give. The Lord don't ask impossibilities. Ihit she wood hev give, willinly, ef she 'd hed it, and that wuz all that wuz needed. Old Pete Barker"— "He coodent make a prayer." "Sartinly not; but he sed Amen to tlicni 07. cood, and while he alluz meant it, them ez made em didn't, half the time. Then wc hev Amos Petter, who divided his last half bushel uv taters with the pauper the township woodent take keer 348 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. uv — Abram Vandoosen, who nurst the poor when the small-pox wuz ragin, twelve yeers ago, and sum uthers. Yoo 've seen sky-rockets. They as- cend with much fiz, and make a magnificent show ; but, alars! afore they reach the skies they bust and disappear in a sheet uv flame. Jes so with yoor loud professors and poor practisers. They cavort beautiful; but they, too, bust afore they reach hevin, and go down in2 a sheet uv flame. Yoor ginooine Christian is a arrow. Tipped with faith — feathered with works — death shoots him off, he pierces the clouds, and lands on the rite side uv Jordan." At this juncter I awoke. I shoodent wonder ef a heep uv people wuz a foolin theirselves. Petroleum Y. JS'asbt, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. OPPOSES THE NOMINATION OF SOLDIERS. 340 XCIX. OPPOSES THE NOMINATION OF SOLDIERS. Saint's Rest, (wich is in tlic Stait uv Noo Gersey,) I Aujust the Slsi, 18G">. J Ther wuz wunst a doctor who hed a paslieiit he wuz a pliysikin. While the physik wuz a workin, he changed his mind and administerd a vomick. The pashent's stuniick wuz in wat mite be cald a dilemmcr. The physik wuz a i)ullin down, the vomick wuz a puUin up, and the poor bowels, undecided wich to foUer, allowd the dis- eese to fasten itself, when either wood hev ex- pelled it. The pashent died, and I am happy to state that his estate wuz insolvent, and the ijeotik physician did n't git his bill. Jest so. Dimokrasy got the stumick-ake when the war commenst. Fernandywood adniinistertl the peace-puke, and Micklcllan dosed it witli war- physick. The pashent is neerly ded, and neither doctor will get rich out uv the assets. I notice all over the North, Dimckratik convcn- shuns are nominatin returned soljers for oflis, wherever they kin ketch one who will accept, and ther's but little trouble, for in every county 350 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. ther's orfiscrs who went in2 the scrvis becoz uv pay, who Ablishnized theirselves for continyoo- ance, and who '11 flop back to us on the most rea- sonable terms. I hev persnel motives for objectin. Last win- ter these demons were to home on furlo. Twenty uv em cum to my peeseful dwellin, at the ded hour uv nite, ceased my venrable form and dragged me 4th. They made me kneel into the cold snow, on my nakid knees, and with one hand up- liftid, and my shirt-tale a wavin in the wind, they made me take the oath, and drink a pint uv water. The oath give me inflammashen uv the brane, and the water inflammashen uv the bowels, and for six weeks I lay, a ravin maniac. I cood overlook this, for the Dimekrat who woodent sacrifice his agid grandmother for the party, is unworthy the name ; but I object to nom- inatin them, for the follerin reasons also: 1. Taint honist. In 1862 I called the soljers "Linkin purps," and the orfisers " sholder-strapt hirelins," and I meant it. They wuz wagin a crooil and unholy war agin Dimokrasy ; they wuz redoosin our magorities in the Suthern Staits at the rate uv sum hundreds per day, and now to nominate them, is a flop I '11 never make. 2. 'T won't pay. These fellers sold us out when OPPOSES THE NOMINATION OF SOLDIERS. 351 they took commishns; they sold out the Ablish- nists when they flopt back to us, and what guar- anty hev we that they wont sell us out, the next turn uv the wheel? Ef we cood git sum decent wuns it mite do; but, good Lord! the soljer who wood do this wood be lower down than we is, wich wood bother a man. All the votes that sich men cood controle, we hev alluz owned in fee-simple. 3. Taint justis 2 us originel Copperheds. We endoored the heat and burden uv the day; we re- sistid drafts; we damned taxes; we wuz Fort La- fayeted and Fort Warined; 'twas us who died in our door-yards. Wher wuz these orfisers then ? All the damage they dun the guverment wuz in drawin pay and rashens. 4. The reconstructid Dimokrasy uv the South won't like it, and to them, after all, we must look for success. 5. They acknowledged nigger equality, by al- lowin niggers to lite with em. 6. We hev gone too fur to try the soljer-dodge. We opposed the war; we opposed tlier vol in; we opposed the Ablishn in votiu pay and .supplies, we opposed aid societies, and laft at sanitary com- mishns; we opposed drafts at a time when they needed help; and to go back on sich a record is ruther renchin, and I won't do it. 352 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. 7. Ef we undertake the soljer, we commit our- selves to payin his penshuns, et settry. How wood the Suthern Dimokrasy like that ? 8. Ef we nominate men who servd, we disgust the deserters and them ez went to Canady for the sake uv the coz. We hev cappytle enuff in the nigger. Let us plant ourselves boldly on shoor ground. Let us resolve that Goddelmity wuz rite in makin the nigger our slave, tho he made a mistake in im- plantin in his heevin buzm a cronic desire to run away from his normal condishn. Let us hang out our banner, and inscribe on its folds, "JN'o marryin niggers!" "N^o payin a debt inkurd in a nigger war!" "Protect us from nigger equality!" and sich other precepts ez cum within range uv the Dimekratik intellek, and go in and win. May the Lord hasten the day. Peteoleum y. JSTasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. SONNIT — 2 HANNER ANX. 353 C. SONNIT-2 HANNER ANN. KITTEN AT THE AGE UV 17, UNDER A STAIT UV HIGH MENTLE EGGSITEMEXT. Sweet sample case uv loveliness ! 0, paragon ! From nite wuz stol'n the color uv thy eyes and kurls ; * Thy skin from alibaster, and thy teeth from pearls, You 'm all the graces, melted in2 one. It 's pure presumpshun, Hanner, I 'm afradc, For me to cast my eye so fur above mc ; But, sweet wun, ef yoo wait for wun to love ye, Whose worthy uv ye — ah ! you '11 die a maid, f My love 's a little stream, a runnin all alone ; Yoors is another — now, sweet maid, let 's say That Hymen's matrimonial spade shel dig away The bank atween us, and the 2 unite in one ! Wat happinis ! Wat goy! The drcera sets me afire, Sweet Hanner, make it real, and then let me expire I X *By this the reeder will immejitly pcrsceve her hair and ejcs is black. They is black — blacker nor the "the staitly raving ut the days uv yore," ez Poe remarkt. tThis compliment, so deliketly and artfully inlcrdoosf, wui intcndid ei a staggrer. While her sooperiority over all others is conceded, while she plooms herself on the acknollijmcnf, the hidjus prospck uv her dyin a old maid is brot to her mind's eye. X In the eckstatik strane — yooseful before marriage, but uv no akkount after. People wood be drivlin ijcots 2 be willin to die, jest ci thcr htipcs wuz realized. 354 PETROLEUM V. NASBY CI. MEETS A PARDONED REBEL, WHO ENLIGHTENS HIM. Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey, ) September the 2lst, 1865. J GixRAL BoA:pfERGES PoGRAM, UV Mississippj, who demonstrated his devoshun to the grate prinsiples uv constooshnel liberty, by servin the Confedrisy as a commissary, wrote me to meet him in Washinton. He hed jest reseeved his pardon, and the fust yoose he made uv his privi- leges, wuz to cum to Washinton to meet me for consultashen on the hopes and j)rospex uv the Dimokrasy. Ginral Pogram is a fine specimen uv the ginoo- ine, shivelrus Sutherner. Six feet 2 inches in hite, he kin chaw more terbacker, spit with greater accooracy, and walk uj^rite under a big- ger lode uv strate whisky than any man I ever met. A unsofistikatid child uv nacher, he scorns the polish and sham uv wat is called civilization. Never shel I forgit the litenin-glanse uv contempt he darted at me, when I askt him to qualify his whisky with a little water! Ginral Pogram opened by lamentin the un- 'fyi^h'"'iTf?'liiif'^^'i ^^.^^^!z> t)i:iUTn, wich wuz about 17 feet deep. It wuz jest dark, and the boy, seezin a shingh*, liuv it at liim. It mist its aim, and he wuz about hecvin a bi-ick, wen he bethunk hisself tlius: "Hold," sez he, "he cant git out. I will let him stay, and to-morrer I'll hist Xi|». my t.ii-ricr, in, and it'll be hunky fun 2 sim^ liim kill him." U^Jon wich, with a sardonic grin urcsprcdiu 2a 362 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. his utlierwise intellcktooal countenansc, he strode havvtily away. The wales iiv the entrapt wun soon brot 2 the spot his noomerus progeny and their mother. In agony uv sperit, they wrung their paws and cried — "Bakl-hed, cum up." "Verily, wood I," sez he, "but how? 'No, no, my childern — it's all up with me. Let day-lite return, and I'm a goner. My time is short. Bless yoo, wife uv my buzzum — bless yoo, pro- dux uv our chased luv. I hed hoped 2 hev lived long enuff 2 hev tawt yoo the neetest way uv chawin thro a cubberd, uv dodgin cats, and uv suckin eggs, but fate is too menny for me — I suckkum." At this momenchus crisis a hevy rane sot in. "Now," sez he, "I am shoorly gone. The cis- tern will fill with water, and I shel drown. 0, horrid fate, that I shood live to be a drowndid rat ! " The rane fell, and soon the bottom uv the cis- tern wuz covered. In his despare he notist the shingle a flotin, and in hopes uv prolongin his life a few momence, he sprang onto it, and began dis- closin to his wife the locashen uv a cheeze he hed discovered, when observin that the shingle bore THE WISE OLD RAT. 363 him, ho stopt siiddently. Ilis wife Ijog-vd him to go on, and not let so important a sekrit die with him. "Shot up," retorts he, in his anshont way; "of this rane hokls out long onuff, I 'm oz good oz a dozen ded rats." Shoor enuif, it did ranc till the cistern wuz full, the rat monotime flotin comfortably on the shin- gle. When it wuz quite full, he paddled it to the side with his fore-foot (stcorin with his tale,) and gaily sprang onto terry firmy, wich is Lattin for dry land. * * * That nito ther wuz goy in the habitashon uv that rat. He gatherd his childern about him, and tellin em the story uv his advencher, moralizd thus to em : "Observ, my childern, that blossins cum to us very frekently in disgiso. AVe murmor at ter- riers, wich rend us with nootnis and dispatch. But mark. Hod not that boy hod a rat (crriiT ho wood liov dispatched mo with brix. Thus is the evil desires uv the wickid mad(^ to work good for the saints, uv whom 1 am wliidi. "How I dredid that shiiiglo ! Vol. but fm- (hat shingle yoor dad wood hcv bin a iiiiiaii\ mait corpse. Troo, 1 am ontithMl to crodit lor my skill in dodgin it, but uv what avale wood hcv 364 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. bin that skill lied I heel no opportoonity 2 exer- cise it? "The rane wuz 2 hev bin my destrucshen. Blessid wuz the ra;ne! The flud that wuz 2 overwhelm me, bore me on its buzzum 2 safety. "In eoncloosion. Providense alluz furnishis oppertoonities — he is trooly grate who hez the branes 2 know the proper time to grab, and the nerve to do it. Let Nil Despritrando be yer motto, keep yer eers open, yer eyes peeled, and yer claws sharp, and you'll go thro life a sailin. Remem- ber, ther is no evil but is mixed with good; the wise turn evil 2 good, while the foolish sink under it. Bless yoo, my childern — good-nite. I will seek my couch." Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Clmrcli uv the Noo Bisimisashun. SONNIT — 2 MY XOZE. 30' cm. SONNIT-2 MY NOZE, WICH I HEV BIN COLORIN FOR MANY YEERS. Mammoth probossis ! My troo mirror shows Thou fill 'st, at last, my yearnin hart's desires ; In size, you '11 do — in color, Etna's fires Can not compare with thee, resplendent noze ! Meershawm invertid ! Glowing as the morn. How many nips — nips — faw ! Say galons, quarts, Did it take to raise them great, gigantic warts ? Them bloo karbunkles, that thy fiery sides adorn ? Magestic organ ! e'en yoo kin be improved — Arkimides wunst sed, that, with his strength, A fulcrum, and a lever uv suffishent length. The world, wich weighs a trifle, cood be moved. Jes so! Give me unlimited supplies. And, noze! I'll double thee in color and iu size. 366 PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. CIV. THE DISKONTENTID PEZANT. A ORIENTLE ALLEGORY, WITH A MOREL ONTO IT. [NoTK. — The follerin is desined to inkulkait the ijee uv contentment with our condishn, and to show the folly uv pinin after more good than nature intended us to enjoy. After ritin it, I red it myself, and wuz afifected 2 teers. — P. V. N.] WuxsT upon a time, long afore the fliid, when man wuz in his highly original and prime evil stait (wich meenes that he wuz wickeder than he hez bin ever sence) uv sin and Avickidnis, Abou Ben Hadem fiourisht in Abissinny, wich is a stait summers down East. Abou Ben Hadem wuz a profit. He lied bin in the profit biznis for sum 2 hunderd 3'eers, and wuz hunky at it. It wuz currently reportid and ginerally beleevd that he cood beet enny profit in them Eastern countries, with wun hand tied be- hind him. Wunst on a time, jest after he hed partaken uv his froogle brekfast uv porter-howse steak, stufft with Camden and Amboy oysters, and wuz a musin onto the mutability uv human afl^ares over a pint uv Rhine wine and a meershaum, wun uv the pezantry uv that country aj)proacht. THE DISKOXTEXTII) PEZANT. 367 "Art thou Abou Ben Iladem?'' interrugatid the stranger. "I am he," replied Abou; "what wouldest thou with me?" "Behold in2 me wuu who is dissatisfide witli his lot," replide the intelligent yomanry. "All men are so, my son," retortid Abou. " I kin see sich in enny grocery. Life is made up uv dissatisfactions. Wun wants riches, another fame; sum chase wun fleetin shadder, sum anotlier; but, alars ! all er doomd 2 disappintment. Let us in- west in Harlem stox, and dub])lo uur niuiiiiy — wo repine that we dident buy oil shares, and trcblo it. But what wouldest thou?" "Mighty Ben Hadem, my name is Norval — on the Grampian hills my father fed his flox, a froo- gal swane, and when the old gentleman pegged out, he willed em all 2 me. I sheer them sheep, and wash the wool, and card it and spin it, and weave it, and make it into garmence. Why, Abou, cood not nacher hev made my sheep to grow rolls instid uv wool, and saved me the trubble." "My jentle frend," replied Abou, "go thy ways. Hentz4th thy sheep shel grow rolls instid uv wool." [A week er sich a matter is sposd 2 hov elapst.] 3G8 TETllOLEUM V. NASBY. The sturdy yomanry returnd. "Wat now? " sed Abou. "Wuz not thy desire gratified?" "Yea, muchly," replied the high-mindid con- stitooent; "the sheep grew rolls, and good rolls, too. But, great Abou, why coodent naclier, while she wuz about it, hev made the sheep grow yarn instid uv rolls?" "Go to thy native mountins. Thy sheep shel grow fine yarn uv menny colors." [Another week gose by.] "Agin here?" sed Abou. "Artest thow not sat- isfide? Wat woodest thou now?" "Mity profit ! all things is ez easy ez turnin Jack frum the bottom, 2 thee. My sheep grow yarn. Is it askin too mutch to hev them grow cloth ? Then wood my labor be lightened — I shood hev but to cut it and sew it in2 garmence." "Be it so; but bother me no more. I am cheerman uv the executiv committy uv my ward, and the eleckshun is but 3 weeks off. Go, and be satisfide. Cloth it is." [A week passes by, like a dreem.] "Mighty Abou"— "How now? Thy importunity displeeses me. THE DISKONTENTII) PEZANT. 3G9 I hev 3 times grantid thy desires. A\'at wantest thou now?" "Mighty Abou, trooly at thy biddin my Merec- nos, wich I importid frum VeniKJiit, hev yeeldid rolls, and yarn, and cloth. Why, i)r()fit, cood- ent they jest ez well grow clothin reddy-made, with a Amerrykin watch in the fob, and a pocket- book filled with greenbax and a plug uv Caven- dish tobacker in the trousis-pokkit. Grant me but this, and" — "Away, ongrateful, and let me see thy face no more. I granted thy absurd wishes, to show that nacher did jest all for us that we necilcd — that the balance we must work out ourselves, and tliat hed she dun more we wood still hev bin dissatis- fide. At fust, 'twas rolls, then yarn, then cloth, and now yoo want close reddy-made. Go back. Yer sheep grows common wool agin. Sposin I hed givd yoo all yoo askt — wat, miserable, wood yoo hev hed 2 do? Yoo wood becum lazy, filthy, and rotten. Yoo wood loaf around groceries, mix iiil2 pollytix, and becum a noosance to yerself and friends. Labor is hevin's law. Nacher gives us the raw material, and 2 keep us busy she re(piire.s us to work it into shape. Nacher gives us korn — it is our dooty 2 make it in2 whi.^ky, and sicli other produx ez go 2 sustane life. Without labor 370 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. life is a cuss; with it we air happy. A hizzy man haznt time to reflect upon wat a mizzable cuss he is, wich reflexion in men uv high minds wood lead to sooiside. Gro thy ways. Be virchus and yool be happy." Morel. — Employment uv wun kind er another is a necessity. For my part, I keep myself bizzy in gittin a livin orf uv other people's labor, and, in these degenerate days, it 's jest all I kin do. Morel number 2. — The more we git, the more we want. (Wich is new.) Petroleum Y. ^N'asby, Lait Faster uv the Church uv the Noo Bisijensashun. SONNIT— 2 A SKEETER. 371 CV. SONNIT-2 A SKEETER. KITTEN WHILE FITIN THE CUSSES. Skeeter ! you'm with us wuiist agin ! you'ra cum With sting uv strength — -with teeth uv wondrous power, Agin to vex us in tlie midnite hour, With sleep-disturbin buz — with rest-destroyin hum. Yoor here, and yoo 've a mishun,* 't is to bite Awl sorts uv peeple, and 2 suck tlicir blood, Wich yoo perform jest ez a lawyer wood. Only they bete yoo at it a darnation site. Now sportivly yoo cup a old man's thigh. And then, luxury, yoo pierce a maden's neck,t Then in2 childhood's brest yoor lance yoo stick ; Thus, like a epiqr, frum swete to swete yoo fly. And frum eech fountin drinkin long and deep. Like old McBeth, Esq., yoo murder sleep. *Mo8t fokes who hev a mishun air, like the skeeter, meerly suckers. tWunst only did I envy the skeeter. I wuz a scttin onto a rockin- chccr, and Iliuincr Ann jvuz on my knee. A skeeter, who lied a eye lor the bootifiil, lit onto her biizzuni. " llunnor Ann." sez I, syin. "Wat?" scz she. " Wooil, 0, wood that I wuz a skeeter," sez I, look in cz ten- derly ez I cood, considrin that she wuz I'JO pounds in iieft, and I lied bin a holdin uv her 2 hours — "wood that I wuz a skeeter, unfASBY. questions as to what kind iiv biznis he wuz a doin these times, et settiy. He replied that biznis wuz good. The Suthern States hed bin his grate feeld uv labor, and when they rebelled agin the guverment he thot he hed ded wood on them localities. His sole expanded with goy ez he saw the Churches South plunge into the seceshn biznis, and their preechers throw orf the sackerdotle robes and put on butternut uniform. They never hed. much religion down there, anyhow ; but when they w^ent into seceshn, they threw away that little. "Ez Linkin's helyuns advanst," he sed, "my sole shrunk — only occasionally wuz I elewatid ez yoo Copperheds riz in the IN'orth. Finally, when Lee and Johnson surrendered, I give up all hopes. That, I thot, settled the question. The niggers will be emancipated and I '11 lose them, for they '11 larn to read, and they '11 diskiver that virchoo is the best road to travel. Also" — "Hold!" sez I, "do niggers go to hell?" "Uv coarse, when they die in their sins," sez he. "Farewell, hope!" exclaims I, in agony, "for all is lost! At the last end the entire Dimokrasy will be on a equality with the nigger, and will hev to mix with em." CONVERSATIOX WITH THE DEVIL. 401 "Also," sez he, a goin on, " I wuz satisfied I shood lose the whites South, for when they can't live on nigger labor and hev to go to work, they won't hev time to gamble nor drink. They won't hev 12500 to pay for pretty octoroons, and, per consequence, one uv the commandments will be better observed. So I wuz lo-sperited, and con- clooded that the Almity had taken that part uv the country out uv my hands." "How, then," sez I, "is it that yoo feel so well to-night?" "For two reasons," sez he. "I alluz feel at home in Noo Gersey ; and besides that, things don't look so bad after all. You folks up X(»rth are doin things to soot me, and so they arc South. Uv what account is Linkin's proelamashen, when sich men ez now controle the South, are in power? Them Sutherners are men I like. Guvner Perry talks uv 'Radikle Republikins,' wicli shows he's bound 2 make head agin the only enemies I ever hed in the North. The nigger is free, but nnly in name. That blessid doctrine uv Stait Rites al- lows eech wun uv tlie Staits to oppress jist wliicli class they please, and ez the North will ccrtinly pass all sorts uv laws agin their esca[»iu in that direcshun, it seems to me ez tho CufT wuz l)etween the upper and nether mill-stun, after all. Five 402 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. dollars a month tliey will agree to pay liim, but that he '11 never git. Then follcrs steelins, and stabbing, and shootins, and hangins, and arsons, and insur- rections, [here he rubbed his hands,] and more sich fun than we ever saw. Then when the South gets strong agin, and they and yoo, yoonited, make a majority in Congris, won't them Yankees git? Won't we (I speek uv yoo Northern Dimekrats and the South and me, wich hez alluz bin pardners,) make the North pay the Suthern war debt? Won't we re-establish slavery in the South and extend it over all the territories, and finally over all the Northern Staits, makin it yooniversal ? I rather think so. Ef the North refoozes, then agin yoo and the South and I will make another war, and that time we '11 succeed, for we '11 know how, bet- ter, and the guverment overthrode, we '11 fix it jist ez we want it. And then" — At this pint he threw his left arm about my neck in a extacy uv irrepressible love. It scorched ez tho a hot bar uv iron hod bin twisted around me, and, shreekin with agony — I awoke. It wuz only a dreem, and I found myself a lyin in the identikle ditch in2 wich I lied fallen when the conductor threw me orf the trane. I cood not hel , wondrin at the corrcctnis with APPEALS TO THK DEMOCRACY. 403 wicli my A'isltor guessed the purposes uv our party. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lnit Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Disjjensashun. CXIV. appeal to the democracy. Saint's Rest, (wicb is in the Stait uv Noo Gcrsey,) ) October the ith, 18G5. j DiMEKRATS UV the North ! Yoo hev to deside whether the old party, which hez alluz delited in managin the affairs uv this guvernment, is to agin assooni its nateral position, or whether it is doomed to die, and be among the things that wuz. Ez the hed uv the party, I issue this api)eal. The time for argument hez passed — all that now remains is ackshen ! ackshen ! ! ackshcn ! ! ! Never before wuz there sich need uv work — never wuz there so much at stake. Look around yoo, fellow Dimekrats ! See ! Uv all the Staits North, only Noo Gersey remains troo to licr an- shent prinsipples. The dark waves uv Ablishn- ism are a sweepin over the land, uncliecked, save by Noo Gersey. There, thank God, tlie ark uv the covnant rests. There the vestal lircs burn 404 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. brightly. Noo Gcrscy hez the Dimokrasy she al- luz hed — she changes not. Ever sence the yeer be- fore the Revolushen, she hez bin Dimekratik. 'No matter wat issues wiiz presented — no matter on wich side uv sed issues the Dimokrasy planted theirselves, N^oo Gersey alluz voted that ticket. Sech confidin trust in the leaders, sech Roman simplicity, is refreshin. Wood, wood that we hed more IS'oo Gerseys ! This fall the Dimokrasy hev exceeded their- selves in liberality to the people. Never wuz there sich a assortment uv princij^les to choose from. In IN'oo York, we hev on the track a Gin- ral, who sheathed his sword in the harts uv his Suthern brethrin, and him we stood on a plat- form which recoo'nizes the death uv slaverv, and feels good over it, and wich goes for payin the debt, intrest, principle, and all. In !N'oo Gersey we hev a Ginral on the ticket who run away from Bull Run, becoz he didn't approve uv the princi- ples on wich the war wuz bein condukted, on a platform ez strikly Suthern ez the Camden and Amboy cood make it. In Ohio, our i^latform wuz made by the great Yallandigum, and in it is the pure expressed joose uv Dimokrasy. The great doctrine uv Staits Rites is avowed, and the rite uv the seceded Staits to agin secede is upheld. APPEALS TO THE DEMOCRACY. 405 Here is diversity — here is pickin. Each Diin- ekrat kin pick wich set uv prinsipplcs he desires, and the cheerman uv his central committy will cheerfully certify that that set will he made uni- versal, ez soon ez a Xashnel Convenshun con- venes. Look at wat intrests are at stake. Do yoo want to marry nigger wenches? Do yoo want yoor gushin daughters tied by indissoluble ties to dis- gustin buck niggers? We hev persistently peti- tioned Abolishn legislachers to pass acts preventin us from doin this foul thing, but to no a\ak'. They hev turned a deef ear to our entreaties, and to-day we stand exposed to all these dangers. Do yoo want a buck nigger to march up to the poles with yoo to vote? Do yoo want their chil- dren mixt with yoors in skools? Do yoo want em on juries and holdin of!is in yoor township? ^ly God ! think uv it ! Think uv yoor bein brot up on a charge uv petty larceny, sich ez steel in sheep or chickens, before a nigger justis uv the peese ! Think uv yoor bein sood for a store-bill that IrmI run ten yeers, afore a nigger squire! In the towns and cities, think uv bein arrestid for bein drunk, by a nigger policeman, and bein arraned in the mornin before a nigger mayor! Contem- plate these pikters without a shudder, cf yoo kin. 406 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. These questions must be met. They stare us in the face. On yoo depends the issue. The nigger is our natral enemy. Sum uv our best lites are in favor uv givin him the suifrage, on the ground that in a little while we wood git his votes, on the prinsipple that we ketch all the trash naterally. My frends, be not deseeved. We hev aboozed the nigger so long and so persistently, that it wood take ages afore we cood get him suffishently demoralized to act with us, and afore that time we wood all be in the si- lent grave, where poUytix is uv no akkount. On the question uv taxes, and reconstruction, and sich, I refer yoo to the platforms adoptid by yoor various Stait Convenshuns ; yoo may depend upon eech bein perfeckly sound. On these minor questions there may be diffrense uv opinion in localities; but, thank Hevin, on nigger there is unanimity. "JN'igger and him prostrated," is the rallyin cry uv the Dimokrasy, JSTorth, South, East, and West. I bleeve in the above I hev given a full ep- itome uv the principles uv the party. We hev a he old fight afore us, and it behooves every Dim- ekrat to buckle on his armor to wunst. Xoo Grer- sey may be dependid on. The few Ablishnists we hev, hev gone so far into spellin-books and gram- AFTER THE OCTOBER ELECTIOXS, 18G5. 407 mars, that their talk is all Greek to our voters, and so they are safe from their contaminatin ap- peals. She expex every Stait to do its dooty. She is lonesome and wants company. She stretches out her hands appealinly to her sisters, and sez in winnin tones, "Jine me!" Will yoo not do it? Shel she appeal in vane? Forbid it, Ilevin ! Rally! Rally! Rally! Petroleum Y. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. cxv. AFTER THE OCTOBER ELECTIONS, 1865. Saint's Rest, (wich is in tlie Stnit uv Xoo Gerscy, \ October the Wth, 1805. i Ohio, Ablishn! Pennsylvany, Ablishn! Noo Gerseij, not eggsackly Ablishn, but ap- proachin thereunto. Sich is the encouragin news I read in the news- papers this mornin! Sich is the result uv labors Hercoolian, in the above-named Staits. Wliat do the people mean ? The pure Dimokrasy, probably, will cari-y Noo 408 PETROLEUM V. XASBY. York; but of what consolation is that to me? The two parties, the old, anshent Dimokrasy and the Ablishn, run a race into the realms uv Radikal- ism, and the Dimokrasy beat them over a length. With a platform standin by Johnson, endorsin his anti-slavery noshens, his Suthern oppression no- shens, his hangin uv Mrs. Surratt, et settry, and on that platform a soljer who never votid a Dim- ekratik ticket in his life, who went into the war a Radikle Ablishnist, and who kum out a Radi- kle Ablishnist, I don't know that I hev much to choose atween em. Last week I wuz invited into a county in Xoo York, to address a Dimekratik meetin. I ac- cepted, (ez ni}^ expensis were paid, wich is cheeper and better boardin than I get at the groseries to hum,) and akkordinly I went. I commenst de- liverin the speech I hed yoosed all over JN'oo Grer- se}^ I commenst aboosin the nigger, when the cheerman interruptid me. "Well," sez I, "wat is it?" rather angrily, for I git warmed up and a sweatin, and don't like to be interruptid. "Why," sed he, "our constooshn allows a nig- ger who hez $250 to vote, and most uv em hev that sum, and we make it a pint to sekoor em." "They're a d — d site better off than most uv AFTER THE OCTOBER ELECTIONS, 1805. 409 US white Dimekrats in Xoo Gcrsey," retortiJ I, a clroppin the nigger and goin on agin President Johnson. "Stop," whispered the cheerman ; "our platform endorses President Johnson." "Thunder!" remarked I, droppin President Johnson, and slidin easily into a wiggerus denun- siation uv the war. "Good God!" sez the cheerman, "stop! Our platform endorses the war." I sed nuthin this time, but comraenst denouncin the debt. "Hold!" sed the cheerman; "easy — easy — oui platform backs up the debt." "Well, then," sed I, in a rage, "why in blazes did n't yoo send me a copy uv yoor platform when yoo wantid me to address yoo ? Go to thunder and make yoor own speeches;" and I stawked off the platform. Time wuz when wun speech wood do a man all over the North. Now yoo hev to hev a difTrent wun for every Stait, wicli makes it impossible for me to travel, for wun effort per season is cnufF for me. But, ez I wuz a say in, we are beat agin, and beat badly — beat on issues uv our own makin — beat with taxes, bonds, war debt, and nigger 26 410 PETKOLEUM V. NASBY. equality all in our favor. Do n't say to me that we rcdoost their majorities. What diifrence does it make to a defeatid candidate, whether the ma- jority agin him is one thousand or one hundred? A needle will kill a man ez eifectooally ez a broad- sword, ef it's stuck in the right place. So a ma- jority uv wun is enuif. I hev known men to hold orfises four years, and hev good appetites, on a majority uv one. It 's the orfises we wuz a goin for — it's them our patriots wanted, and it's no consolation to them to say they mist by a small majority! It's holler mockery — the same ez tho you 'd show a starvin man a loaf uv bread jest inside uv iron bars — his fingers are not a inch from it, but, so far ez his cravin stumick is con- cerned, it mite ez well be across the boundless ocean. We may recover from this backset, but I hev my fears. The people is ez stoopid ez ever, and our leaders is ez akoot ez ever; but, alas! the fact that we hev failed in every thing we hev under- took, for four years, is gettin thro the hair uv thousands, and they look askant at us. Be it ez it may, it makes but little diffrence to me. A few years, and I shel go hentz. Ef the Bible is troo, I shel go where I will find a heavy Dimekratik majority, shoor ; ef it is not, and there THE BOW-LEGGED KXITE. 411 is no hereafter, why, then, at hist, I .shcl be on a level with the best. " So, let the wide world wag cz it will," I '11 keep on the even tenor uv my way, takhi my nips ez often ez I kin find a confidin sole who hez more money than diskreshun. Petroleum V. Ts'asby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. CXVI. THE BOW-LEGGED KNITE; OR, THE RED-HEADED APOTHECARY'S DOOM. A TIIRILLIN TALE. Chapter I. 'T WAS nite, in Posey County, Ingeany ! [For a full description uv sed nite, see Chapter I uv the author's last and greatest work, "The Rival Blood-tubs; or, The Struggle for Crout."] The lovely Marguerite do Smythe wuz alone in her chamber. Her lied wuz bowed on a table, on2 wicli flickered the dim lite uv a cotton rag floatin in a sarscr uv lard. Iler disheveled hair, her clasticless stockins, and, more than all else, tlie hole in the heel uv wun uv em, showed that she wuz laborin under some feerful emotion. For 412 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. awhile she sot, lier fair buzziirri hccvin like old Ocean when Boreas smites it, her whole frame quiverin like a' peach-tree with a dozen little nig- gers in it. At larst her overcharged feelins found vent in tears. "Marion!" she cried, "thy mop, girl!" and for 12 hours the faithful handmaiden mopped up the pearly tears ez they fell from those beauteous orbs, wringin the rags out of the winder. "This suspense is intolerable," muttered the frenzied Marguerite. " I kin endoor it no longer. Timothy ! Timothy ! " she shreeked, in a agony uv despair. Skasely hed the word left her lips ere a step wuz heerd upon the stairs. It approached nearer and nearer — "Thank Heven, 'tis him!" screamed the delited girl, ez she threw a buifalo-robe upon the floor to faint on in case Timothy shood fale to ketch her in his arms. Nearer and nearer the step approached ; a heavy hand wuz laid upon the latch, the door flew open, and Marguerite rushed into the arms uv — not Timothy — but the Bow- legged Knite! A demoniakle smile played over his sinister countenance ez, wringin the neck uv Marion and pitchin her out uv the winder, he re- stored the inannymate Marguerite 2 conshusnis, by sousin a barl or 2 uv water upon her. THE BOW-LEGGED KXITE. 413 Chapter 11. Marguerite wuz kiini 2, and Loldly confronted the hated monster who «t(jod afore lier. "Villin! wretch! sanguinary skunk!" she ex- chiimed, her nose turuin uj) in skorn until it reached the top uv her head, and cauglit on a hair-pin; "what wouhlst thou with me?" "Thy hand!" "0, Ileven! that I, the hist uv a long and noble line, shood live to hear this ! " exclaimed the maiden, drawin herself up to her full hite, by means uv a pulley in the ceelin. "Last uv a long and noble line! By my hali- dome, thou speekest trooly — thou art the hist uv a long and noble line — a clothes-line ! Thy father hung himself with the one thy mother used in her biznis. But enuff uv this. Mine thou must be. Thou knowst me well. Cross my purposes, and I am ez frackshus ez a two-year old colt with a chestnut burr under his tail; humor me, and 1 am ez amiable ez a chicken with dough idorc it. Ez for Timothy, yoo shel never wetl him — his doom is seeled! Let me but see him cast a look on thee, and I'll punch the low-born varh-t in the stumick — thus." And the Bow-legged Knite, drawin his shinin 414 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. blade, made 2 or 3 hundred passes at the wall, endin by tiirnin a double-somerset. Skasely wuz he dun, when the door flew open and Timothy appeared. Marguerite shreeked, while the Knite threw himself between the doomed apothecary and the door, and drawd his sword. " Ha ! ha ! ho ! ho ! I hev thee now, thou pill- mixer! thou peddler uv Injin remedies ! Prepare for instant death!" exclaimed the Knite, makin a tremenjus blow. But the wary apothecary wuz on his gard, and ez the blow descended, he stept aside. Another blow, dodge ; blow, dodge ; blow, dodge. Finally, the luckless apothecary, bearin the lifeless form uv Marguerite, wuz in a corner. Retreat wuz out uv the question, and further dodgin impossible. A happy thot struck him. Ez the sword uv the Knite desended, he dexter- ously interposed the body uv Marguerite, ducked his head, darted between the legs uv the Knite, and run like a dog with a tin kittle tied to his tail. The Knite, robbed uv his vengeance, and seein his beloved Marguerite dead at his feet, stabbed hisself and died also. Chapter III. 2 months elapst. Timothy ventured back, and a horrible site met his vision. The lovely Mar- THE BOW-LKGGEl) KXITE. 416 giicrite wuz cut in 2, and tlio Knite, stuii-dcad, wuz lyin beside her. But he wuz not to be dis- couraged by small difficulties. Drawin llic two pieces uv the beloved Marguerite together, he ap- plied Radway's Ready Relief. " Thank llcven ! " he exclaimed, ez the flesh united. A dose of the Renovatin Resolvent, follered immediately by Re- peatin Regulators, restored her to life, conscious- nis, appetite, and Timothy. They were married the next day. Timothy wuz not vindictive. Upon the Knite's promisin never to molest him agin, he brought him to life, and paid his fare to Shecago, where he is now runnin a hack, and doin well. THE EEND. [Note by the Author. — Singlci- cz it may appear to the reader, the above beautiful tale wuz rejected by the conseetid editors of the AUantie Monthly/ I wuz not born in Boston.] 416 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. CXVII. GIVES HIS EXPERIENCE IN THE MATTER OF NEGRO IMPUDENCE. Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) ) Ocioher the 1st, 1865. I It is a cardinal princi2:)le in the Dimekratik creed, that a nigger, taken from his normal state uv subjekshun and placed on a level with men, will bekum overbearin to a degree most irritatin to the well-regulated Caucashen mind. I kin testify on this pint from persnal expe- rience. Ten or fifteen years ago, when I wuz younger than I am now, and the blood coursed toomulchuser thro my vanes than it does now, in the winter uv life, (years gathers wisdom uv mind at the expense uv strength uv body,) I wuz, wun summer — a very hot summer — wun day a layin on my back, resolved in2 a committee uv ways and means on the question uv sutliin to eat. Hunger overkum my nateral proclivities, and I wuz forst to go to the nearest grocery and saw sum wood for a froogal meal uv crackers and cheese and new rum. While sweatin at this unwonted exertion, and cussin Eve with all my powers uv cussin, for eatin the froot that sprouted into sich bitter froot ez I wuz then tastin, I resolved that ez woman EXPERIENCE OF NEGKO IMPUDENCE. 417 brought toil onto mc, woman should release me from it. Droppin the saw, I to wunst went and washed my face and offered myself in marriage to five widders, each uv whom I knowd owned a good farm. By each uv the five I wuz promptly re- jectid, amid peals uv lafture. Nary once discouraged, I offered myself to 5 maidens whose fathers lied good farms, and wuz five times rejected, in three cases bein ignomin- iously kicked out uv the house. Then I bethawt myself uv one more chance. In the outskirts uv the town wuz a nigger wench, who earned a very comfortable livin a washin. Belie vin that the honor uv hevin a white hus- band wood more than compensate her for the extra labor uv supportin me, and bein sure that she wood suffishently appreciate my condesenshun in marryin her, I made her the tender uv my hart and hand. She accepted, and we wuz mar- ried. For a time all wuz peace. She insisted on my accompanyin her to church, wich I did, among the jeers uv the populace. "Rail on!" thot I, "rail on! I kin stand yoor railin better than the sweat nessary to answer the demands uv a cravin stuniick." 418 PETROLEUM V. XASBY. Finally a crisis cum. The flour wuz out — the pork-barl wuz empty — the taters wuz gone, and the wood-joile waxed low, and Mrs. ISTasby sejested that I shood sujoply the achin void that wuz evi- dent in our house-keepin arrangements. I replied that I sposed sich wuz the case, and that she must go and buy, that we mite eat. "Wha's de money?" replied she. "My deer," retortid I, "3^00 hev struck the en- tire root uv the trubble in a breath. I hev no objeckshun to the mere labor uv buyin the pro- visions — nay, I wood even go so far as to tote em home — hed I the money with wich to do it. That money is for yoo to earn, to prokoor. Permit me to sejest that yoo to wunst make yoorself the agreeable foreground to a wash-tub that yoo wunst wuz, and on the proceeds uv sed tablow we '11 eat and be merry." "Wa-a-t!" sed she, growin white in the face; "d'ye tink I'se a-gwine to work to s'port myseff, now I'se married?" "Trooly, I do," sed I, calmly. "And yoo, too?" "Indubitably," sed I, smilin at the absurdity uv her questions. She growd black in the face agin — a angry gleam shot from her eyes, and her kinky hair be- EXPERIENCE OF NEGRO IMPFDEXCE. -119 kum straight. Suddenly I lost all eonsfiousness. I felt a sensation uv moving rapidly tliro space. For a minnit I fancied a tiglitnin sensation at my throat and at the seat uv my pants, and all wuz darkness. At last I awoke, and found that .she hed throwd me jest thirty feet out uv the door into the front yard. I assoomed, then, all the au- thority uv a husband. I demanded admittance, when from a upper window appeared my angelic spouse, who emptied on my head a bucket uv skaldin water, informin me that I might expect such treatment ez often ez I presented myself I left that town that nite, witli my mind thor- oughly made up ez to the complete cussednis uv the Ethiopian charikter. Xo sooner hed I ele- vated that ongrateful woman to my level and made her my ekal, than she expectid mc to sujv port her, the same ez ef she hed bin uv my blood. I left her in disgust, and to-day, I doubt not, she and a child, half uv the cuss-tainted blood uv Ham and half uv the proud Caucashen race, mourn and weep my prolonged stay. Will I rvcr go back? Not any. I made one effort to elevate the race, and one is enulV. Cood I sell Ik-i- and the child, I wood; but ez that is illegal in this Stait, she may tred her weary path alone. PirrUOLKUM V. N.VSHY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the ^oo Bispensashuii, 420 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. CXVIII. A FEW LAST WORDS. Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) October the loth, 1865. 1 DiMEKRATS UY THE YoONITED StATEs! My task is finisht. I hev throwd together the views, opinyuns, and prophecies contained in the 4going pages, ez so many finger-posts to guide yoo along the road to success ; ez so many bekon-lites to warn yoo agin the quicksands and quagmires that dot sed road here and there, and into wich so many uv our most promisin travelers hev bin en- gulfed. Alars ! how many who set out when I did, and stepped ez high ez a $1400 hoss, with plated harness on, hev fallen into em. Free-soil- ism wuz the fust wun, and into that Van Booren and Chase drowndid theirselves. Popler sover- eignty wuz another, and into that Duglis swamped. War, bloody war agin our Suthern brethrin, wuz another, and into that nearly the entire party who wuz wat the world calls decent enuff to soot the aristocratic Ablishnist, plunged headlong, leavin travelin in gloomy silence only a few, who, like myself, can't change their habits enuif to git into any other organization. It is well for us that we can't. We shoodent A FEW LAST WORDS. 421 be comfortable anywhere else. Xaeher never wastes nothin — she gives us all we kin enjoy. The bird that soars into the bloo empyriurn wuz made to soar into the l)loo empyriuni, and conse- kently wuz provided with Iim]],!- bones, and wings. Spozn the elefant shood hev a cravin to soar into the bloo empyriurn, (I like that word — its hefty,) woodent it be continyooally mizable becoz it cood- ent sore into the bloo empyriuni? Likewise. Nacher alhiz makes a stingy man lean and thin. Why? Becoz. Spozn nacher shood give a mean man the entrales and stumick uv a liberal man and a <2:ood liver. Don't you see that his hevin the sed entrales and stumick, and the desires appertainin, and the meanness that prevented his fillin em, wood make him mizable? So, ez nacher did n't give him the disposition to fill stumick and entrales, she didn't also give him the stumick and entrales to fdl. All uv wich goes to show that we hev jest cz much sense and decency ez we are capable uv en- joyin. I am a old man, whose sands uv life hev neerly run out, and, therefore, my words arc entitled to weight. In these pages I hev laid down rools that must be follered religiously, cf we over expect to succeed. To recapitulate : 1. Skools arc agin us. Compare stanch Air- 422 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. ginui, with nary a skool-house, and Ablislm Mas- sychusitts, dotted with em. When a man learns to read he alluz gits conseetid, and goes to thinkin for hisself. 2. Churches are, ez a rool. I bleeve in religion when properly preached, but a preacher shood only read sich passages ez Onesimus and Hayger. But even then they are hardly safe. The mem- bers attendin are apt to go to other churches, jest to see the difference — then a revival snaps them up, and wunst regelarly convertid, they go over to the enemy without fail. 3. Whisky is alluz a safe tool in our hands. When a man gits so ez to barter his vote for free drinks, he is too low for tother party to reach down to — he kin only find one bidder, and he 's ours at our own price. 4. Never allow a man to skratch a tickit. It's a exercise uv his own will, wich can't be allowed. The convenshuns decide not only wdiat we are to bleeve, but who we shel vote for. These rools is general. There are others, but I will not go into partickelers. Wun duty devolves upon us, wich Ave must not forget. Slavery, that divine system, by and thro wich we, ez a party, wuz perpetooated for years, must be agin revived. We can't git along with- out it. We must hev suthin on wich the South A FEW LAST WORDS. 423 will be a unit — sum iutrcst so all-powerful ez to swaller up all causes uv diilTence down there, smooth down all miner pints, and forsc em to be troo to Dimokrasy. Then, fur them to euntrol, they must hev us, for they don't compose lialf uv this Union, except in the article uv impudence, uv wich they hev at least three-fourths. Us they must hev to carry cnuff Congressional deestricks to give em a majority; enutf Staits Xorth to elect the President uv their choice, that thro them they may control things ez they want to. Uv coarse, they will hold all the heavy orfises on the skore uv pekooliar litnis, the South allii/ hevin bin the nursery uv statesmen; l)ut, tluiiik Heven, the post-orfises and collectorships, and .sich, they don't want, and them we will hev. A standin hatred uv Noo England nuist be stidily inkulkated; not only stidily, but viggerusly and enthoosiastikly. Them Staits are a growin rich off uv us, jest the same ez in a strikly Dim- ekratik community one smart doggry-keeper ab- sorbs all the capital. Therefore, we must hatr her, and that hate is a lever uv power for us. Lot us all jine in hatin 'Noo England. I hev no apologies to offer for any seiilimenei contained in these pages. I may not hev .sed enuff agin the nigger — 1 may not hev suffishently 424 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. aboozed N'oo England — I may hev bin too easy on Linkin, and I may hev sed too much for Mick- lellan. But, ef this be so, these errors must be inskribed to my head, and not to my heart. That I am sound to the core in my Dimokrasy, let my noze, and the fact that I never skratched a tikit, attest. In concloosion. To the leaders I recommend akootnis, energy, and perseverance. To the voters, steddinis, submission, and un- questionin fidelity. To orfis-holders in our Staits, liberality, and ez much honesty ez is consistent with their own in- terests and the interests uv the party. To our friends, my love! To our enemies, my burnin cuss ! Adoo ! Farewell ! Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the CJmrch uv the Noo Dis^ensashun. THE END. 'n UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. MAR 3 1 19^^ 3 «rt f^^J43 BEirD ^ APR 11 197J: INTERUBRARY LOA Thr«e weeks from date of nfyft — HiMi-Renewabk MAR 2RJ flMttl^^^ Form L9-32»!-8,'57(.C8680s4)444 LD-UML ntfiifr u<^£0di2^86 D \8!W C6 do20Q^ UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY ||!!!ll!|||'!l|!|||i||||ri"'|' AA 001 242 803 3 UCLA Young h. PN6161 L 009 557 866 2