7 
 
 AMERICAN 
 
 WIT AN D 
 HUMOR * 
 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 ©American 
 09tf and .ptamor 
 
 
 
 ¥ 
 
 
 
 A COLLECTION FROM VARIOUS SOURCES 
 
 CLASSIFIED UNDER 
 
 APPROPRIATE SUBJECT HEADINGS 
 
 
 
 VOL. I 
 
 
 
 'PHILADELPHIA 
 
 GEORGE W. JACOBS & CO. 
 
 PUBLISHERS 
 
 
 

 
 Copyright, 1 900, by 
 George W. Jacobs & Co 
 
 t^?lCi7
 
 r iv 
 (el 6 
 
 V. 
 Contents 
 
 Chap. Page. 
 
 I. To be Read While Waiting 
 
 for the Train ... -9 
 II. To be Read While Waiting 
 for Your Husband to Come 
 Home from the Club ... 34 
 
 III. About Children 48 
 
 IV. Miscellaneous 68 
 
 V. Conundrums 128 
 
 VI. Josh Billings 136 
 
 VII. Lawyers 144 
 
 VIII. Ministers 153 
 
 IX. Doctors 165 
 
 X. Editors 172 
 
 XI. Soldiers 184 
 
 XII. Women 188 
 
 XIII. Negro 206 
 
 XIV. Miscellaneous 218 
 
 3
 
 " Care in our coffins drives the nails no doubt, 
 But Mirth with merry fingers plucks them out'
 
 Preface for Volume I 
 
 American periodicals abound in witty say- 
 ings. Not only the comic papers but almost 
 every newspaper, whether secular or religious, 
 has its funny column. Every community has 
 one or more men who are noted for witty say- 
 ings and quaint observations. Almost without 
 exception Americans are quick to recognize and 
 appreciate wit. Jokes do not require a label in 
 America. This may be owing to the cosmo- 
 politan origin of our people. Coming from 
 many other countries and welded in a com- 
 mon citizenship the "bump of humor" has 
 become abnormal. Here an Irishman loses his 
 brogue, but not his wit. The more phlegmatic 
 German learns to perpetrate puns over his pipe 
 and mug, and the Englishman does not require 
 a night's reflection to discover the point of a 
 repartee. Many of these bright sayings deserve 
 a longer life than is afforded by the ephemeral 
 newspaper. To that end some of them are pre- 
 sented in this volume. 
 
 It is impossible to give proper credit, in many 
 cases, and hence it can be only said in a general 
 
 7
 
 8 preface 
 
 way that they have appeared in Puck, Judge, 
 Life, Harper's Weekly and Bazar, D anbury 
 News, Cleveland Plain Dealer, Texas Sift- 
 in«s, Burlington Hawkeye, Yonkers Statesman, 
 
 Washington Post, Burlington Free Press and 
 many more papers equally deserving of mention. 
 
 These publications have very kindly given per- 
 mission to use matter taken from their columns. 
 That they may relieve the burden of care, 
 lessen the tedium of a long journey or provok- 
 ing delay and make the world brighter and 
 happier is the wish of the compiler.
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 To be Read While Waiting for the Train 
 
 A wag of a gourmand who had made himself 
 ill by feasting on fish, said he embodied the 
 trio of the fiery furnace, thus — shad-rack, me- 
 sick and abed-we-go. 
 
 / Cruelty to animals — throwing physic to the 
 ( dogs. 
 
 The Free Press says the following notice is 
 posted on the door leading to the barroom of 
 the Van Ness House, Burlington: "Notice! 
 If you don't see what you ask for, want it." 
 
 The stammering silk thief who was caught in 
 New York owned up to the officers that he was 
 a gone co-coon. 
 
 It is believed now that congress will not ad- 
 journ before the middle of July. By remaining 
 in session two weeks longer it would become an 
 August body, which is otherwise utterly out of 
 the question. 
 
 9
 
 io Bmerlcan Mit ano Ibumoc 
 
 Motto for grocers — Honest tea is the best 
 policy. 
 
 When you see a pretty girl putting on a post- 
 age stamp, then don't you wish you were George 
 Washington ? 
 
 Beefsteak is meat and proper for breakfast. 
 
 They have a brand of whiskey in Kentucky 
 low-n as the " Hon 
 corn your copiously. 
 
 known as the " Horn of Plenty," because it will / 
 
 Mice harm the cheese, but girls charm the 
 he's. 
 
 A Pennsylvania paper says : "Boston, pop- 
 ulous Boston, may properly be described as the 
 town in which hundreds of thousand daily live, 
 move and have their beans." 
 
 ith a 
 
 The greatest nutmeg ever known met wi 
 l greater. 
 
 A man who detected a piece of bark in the 
 sausage visited a butcher's shop to know what 
 had come of the rest of the dog. The butcher 
 was so affected that he could give him only a 
 part of the tale.
 
 Smerican TWlit ano tmmoc n 
 
 While witnessing a game of baseball out West, 
 a boy was struck on the head, the bawl coming 
 out of his mouth. 
 
 An unpopular ism with everybody — the rheu- 
 matism. 
 
 Our hen-pecked neighbor remarks that not- 
 withstanding the mildness of the afternoons it's 
 always scold where his wife is when he comes 
 home late at night. 
 
 Dollars and sense do not necessarily travel 
 together. 
 
 It is said that a human being has seven mil- 
 lions of pores through which perspiration and 
 exhausted particles of the system escape. We 
 are all pore creatures. 
 
 Should auld acquaintance be forgot? Not if 
 they have money. 
 
 A little girl the other day referred to the 
 mustache of a young man as a "bang" on his 
 lip. If she doesn't look out, one of these days 
 she'll get a bang right under the nose. 
 
 They were walking by the seaside, and he 
 sighed and she sighed.
 
 l* Bmerfcan Wit anO *>umor 
 
 Barbers are well informed on combing events. 
 
 Never miss a kiss, even if you have to kiss a 
 Miss. 
 
 A child for adoption, to be born in Novem- 
 ber, is advertised in a New York newspaper. 
 Sex not stated. — Such enterprise can go no 
 father. 
 
 A motto for young lovers — So-fa and no 
 father. 
 
 "I think I have seen you before, sir. Are 
 you not Owen Smith ? " " Oh, yes, I'm owin' 
 Smith, and owin' Jones, and owin' Brown, and 
 owin' everybody." 
 
 A depraved punster says he shall smoke if he 
 chews too. 
 
 A religious contemporary has discovered the 
 style of the first parents. He said : " Madam, 
 I'm Adam," to which she replied : "Adam, 
 I'm madam." 
 
 It is said that all South Carolina people who 
 have pains, go to Aiken.
 
 Bmerfcan TUfltt ano Ibumoc 13 
 
 Boreas is the sleet swinger of the arctics. 
 
 An exchange speaks of an armless penman 
 "Who has written a long story with his toes." 
 That is really nothing. " Uncle Tom's Cabin " 
 was written by Harriet Beecher's toe. 
 
 Breach of good manners — for ruin to stare you 
 in the face. 
 
 
 It is rather unpleasant to hear a speaker re- A 
 / mark, "My friends-ur, I wish to say a few f 
 \ words-ur on this occasion-ur," etc. ; but then 
 we must remember that to ur is human. 
 
 The patch on a boy's trousers is something 
 new under the son. 
 
 A lively girl had a bashful lover named 
 Locke. Getting out of patience with him, in 
 her anger, she said that Shakespeare had not 
 written half as many things as he ought about 
 Shy Locke. 
 
 "Yet," as Boosy says, "Professor Hall 
 wouldn't have found that new moon if Mars 
 hadn't satelite out for him."
 
 14 Bmerlcan Wit ano Ibumot 
 
 The weary husband, as he proceeds to take 
 down the clothesline, unconsciously trips over 
 a croquet arch, and from the bottom of his feet 
 wishes he was where the wickets cease from 
 troubling. 
 
 The object of some wives in blowing up their 
 husbands is to have them come down. 
 
 " Will you tell me," asked an old gentleman 
 
 of a lady, "what Mrs. 's maiden name 
 
 was?" "Why her maiden aim was to get 
 married, of course," exclaimed the lady. 
 
 i 
 
 \ 
 
 Time will only hang up his scythe when he is 
 no mower. 
 
 At a party where questions were asked, and 
 facetious if not felicitous answers were expected, 
 a coal dealer asked what legal authority was 
 the favorite with his trade. One answered, 
 "Coke." "Right," said the coal dealer. 
 Another suggested Blackstone. "Good, too," 
 said the questioner. Then a little hard-faced 
 man in the corner piped out "Littleton," 
 whereupon the coal dealer sat down without 
 saying anything.
 
 Bmerlcan TOIlft an& tmmor 15 
 
 A man who is always in a stew generally goes 
 to pot. 
 
 A man with a small salary and a large family 
 says: "If pride goes before a fall, he would 
 like to see pride start on a little ahead of the 
 price of coal and provisions." 
 
 It is a queer woman who asks no questions, 
 but the woman who does is the querist. 
 
 " Our terms are five dollars a day, with moder- 
 ate charges for extras," said the insinuating young 
 man who wore a diamond pin at a watering- 
 place hotel, to a sensible-looking stranger ; " we 
 should be pleased to enrol you as a guest." 
 The stranger said he guest not. 
 
 Strange to say, a negro minstrel most over- 
 flows with humor when he is corked up. 
 
 The only pun Abe Lincoln ever made was 
 when he was splitting rails and his boss criticised 
 his work severely. " How do you feel now? " 
 asked a fellow-workman. He thought a minute 
 and replied, "I feel I maul right." It is be- 
 lieved that this was what started his presidential 
 boom.
 
 16 Bmerfcan TSatt an& fjumot 
 
 Some sons are chips of the old blockhead. 
 
 A young lady in Chicago, tired of going it 
 alone, has married John Rightbower. It is al- 
 together probable she will order him up on win- 
 ter mornings. 
 
 It has been ascertained that the man who held 
 on to the last was a shoemaker. 
 
 There are some cute observers in New Or- 
 leans. The Picayune man has discovered that 
 the reason why some of the street lamps burn 
 all night is because the light is so small it is 
 afraid to go out alone. 
 
 Are the Michiganders any relation to the Por- 
 tuguese, and if so, how much, and what ? 
 
 Here is a bit of fashionable intelligence from 
 the Kansas City limes: "The daughter of 
 Mr. Proddy, of 12th street, has returned to her 
 father's house from a visit east, and oh ! how 
 many fond and foolish boys rejoice over that 
 Proddy gal's return." 
 
 An Oil City man traded off his gun for a dog, 
 because he wanted to "get something to boot."
 
 / 
 
 Bmerfcan TRIlit ano frnmor 17 
 
 Old maid's laughter — He ! he ! he ! 
 
 ' 
 
 He said her hair was dyed, and when she in- 
 dignantly exclaimed, " 'Tis false! " he said he 
 presumed so. 
 
 The man who sat down on the spur of the 
 moment, will not do so again. 
 
 It is foolish for a man to try to make game of 
 a boarding-house chicken by looking at it, under ^ 
 the impression that a steady gaze of the human 
 eye will make any animal quail. 
 
 How to get a long well — Dig it deep. 
 
 Fifteen pounds of dried apples were taken as 
 pay for publishing a marriage notice by an Iowa 
 paper, recently ; which leads to the inference 
 that the wedding was a swell affair. 
 
 Butter is strong ; but cheese is mitey. 
 
 It has been carefully estimated that Chicago 
 might, by converting her i into an e, save at 
 least five thousand dollars per annum in the ink 
 wasted in dotting the vowel of the first syllable. 
 Cheekago wouldn't be bad either.
 
 18 Bmerican Mit anD f}umor 
 
 Troubles are like dogs ; the smaller they are 
 the more they annoy you. 
 
 It is an anomaly, perhaps, but when peace 
 and quiet are restored in Cuba the planters will 
 begin to raise cane. 
 
 "Not lost," said the man who bet on the wrong 
 horse, "but gone behind." 
 
 A writer, describing the exodus of Eden, 
 says, " The devil drove woman out of Paradise, 
 but he could not drive Paradise out of woman." 
 
 The sting of a bee carries conviction with it. 
 It makes a man a bee-leaver at once. 
 
 A young lady while out walking heard, for 
 the first time, of her mother's intention to marry 
 again, and she was obliged to sit right down and 
 cry about it. She could not go a step-farther. 
 
 Ephraim Muggins says, "Eternal liberty is the 
 price of vigilance, and dear at that." 
 
 A lecturer against women's rights named 
 Tait, was hissed by the women of Mattoon, 111., 
 recently. They should remember that the 
 women who hiss a Tait are lost.
 
 Bmerican limit anD t)umor 19 
 
 Whatever promises to pay is a favorable owe 
 men. 
 
 V 
 
 " Call me pet names — something typical of 
 sweet sounds," he murmured ; she said he was a 
 gay lute. 
 
 The tune the old cow died on must have been 
 written in beef-flat. 
 
 A bald headed man with a black eye called 
 here yesterday, took off his hat and pointing to 
 his eye and bald head said, " Betsy and I — hair 
 out." 
 
 A Western paper gives the following as the 
 proper motto for life insurance companies : 
 " Socettu em." 
 
 A correspondent wants to know the best way 
 to become a literary man. Well, the quickest 
 way for him is to make a short voyage to sea. 
 He will very likely become a contributor to the 
 Atlantic. 
 
 Mr. Somerset is a bachelor. He could not 
 persuade any of his female acquaintances to 
 turn a Somerset. 
 

 
 
 20 Bmerican TRIM ano Ibumot 
 
 A Boston man calls his wife Crystal, becauseL ■ 
 she is always on the watch. 
 
 An eminent historian traces baseball to the 
 time when Rebecca went down to the well with 
 a pitcher and caught Isaac. 
 
 A blind man is an impatient stock speculator. 
 He always wants two real eyes. 
 
 Cooing is well enough before marriage, but 
 the billing doesn't come till afterward ; and then 
 it comes from the tradesmen. 
 
 A man in Delaware who has a half-sister is 
 now wondering where the other half can be. 
 
 A gentleman who had been arguing with an 
 ignoramus until his patience was exhausted, said 
 he didn't wish him dead, but he would be glad 
 to see him — know more. 
 
 A song heard by a hive — "Bee it ever so 
 humble, there's no place like comb." 
 
 Accuracy of expression : A family who have 
 recently moved into a suite of rooms received an 
 elegantly worked motto last week, which read as 
 follows : " Heaven bless our flat."
 
 Bmerfcan XUit ano feumor 21 
 
 i Better to have loved a short girl than never to 
 have loved a tall. 
 
 { 
 
 Out in Montana, where they start a man 
 down hill in a barrel, they speak of his appear- 
 ance in a new role. 
 
 Tuneful lyre — A music-teacher who does not 
 keep his engagements. 
 
 Bob Ingersoll practices on the violin during 
 his leisure moments. Perhaps that's why he is 
 an in-fiddle. 
 
 If a man has but one eye, let him get a wife, 
 
 and she will be his other /. 
 
 A hen-pecked husband, who had married his 
 wife because she was handsome declared that a 
 thing of beauty is a jaw forever. 
 
 A volume that will bring tears to your eyes — 
 a volume of smoke. y 
 
 St. Albans boasts a man who revels in the 
 patronymic of Stonegraves. That name is tomb 
 much for us. Well, it is cemeterial whether 
 you like it or not.
 
 22 Bmertcan "Cdit and tmmor 
 
 The latest bankers' song — Off in the stilly 
 night. 
 
 We hold that a Woodchuck is fit for treason, 
 strategy and spoil ; because he has no music in 
 his hole. 
 
 When a man has a house lot on which he 
 cannot pay the taxes, he has a site too much. 
 
 A toast at a public dinner in Connecticut : 
 "The Nutmeg State, where shall we find a 
 greater? " 
 
 To become the lion of a party, it is not nec- 
 essary to make a beast of one's self. 
 
 Mr. George Barrel committed suicide because 
 disappointed in a love affair. He could not 
 bear the thought of remaining a single Barrel. 
 
 To keep warm on a cold day the women 
 double the Cape and the men double the Horn. 
 
 A few days ago a Norwich man bought a 
 chest of tea in Providence, and on opening 
 found a stone inside weighing nearly eleven 
 pounds. He remarked that the weighs of 
 Providence are very mysterious.
 
 Hmertcan TRHit ano Humor 23 
 
 It is sad to see people squandering money 
 and know you cannot help them. 
 
 Masons and Odd Fellows, like masons and 
 hod fellows ascending a ladder, get up by de- 
 grees. 
 
 It is as impossible to get money out of a miser 
 as to cut mutton-chops out of a battering ram. 
 
 A patent churn, invented by a Sioux squaw, 
 is on exhibition in Washington. It shows con- 
 siderable Injunuity. 
 
 It is pleasant to find a fourdeaved clover, but 
 beware of the poisonous IV plant. 
 
 The crow is not so bad a bird after all. It 
 never shows the white feather and never com- 
 plains without caws. 
 
 A baby lately had the misfortune to swallow 
 the contents of an ink-bottle. Its mother, with 
 wonderful presence of mind, immediately ad- 
 ministered a box of steel pens and two sheets of 
 foolscap paper, and the child has felt write in- 
 side ever since.
 
 «4 Bmedcan TDHit an& Ibumot 
 
 You can look for warm weather when the fly 
 begins to put on his specs. 
 
 
 A Philadelphia gentleman advertises a soap 
 that is destined to wipe out the national debt. 
 There is probably some "lye" about it. 
 
 Sweetening one's coffee is generally the first-sj 
 stirring event of the day. 
 
 A contemporary informs us that Texans raise 
 hemp. We can inform our contemporary that 
 hemp frequently raises Texans. 
 
 "Give the hens a rest," says an exchange. 
 Just so ; a sort of inter-eggnum as it were. 
 
 A young man who proposed to a handsome 
 but heartless creature the other evening, sug- 
 gested a very popular poem, the Beautiful's No. 
 
 Now is the time for spring cleaning. If you 
 have not got a spring, clean out your well. 
 
 Knott and Shott fought a duel. The result 
 was that they changed conditions, Knott was 
 shot and Shott was not. It was better to be 
 Shott than Knott.
 
 Bmertcan TOIlit ano Dumot 25 
 
 New Bedford is said to have but one whaler 
 left — a schoolmaster. 
 
 A young man who has tried it suggests that 
 before you pop the question it's just as well to 
 question the pop. 
 
 / All men are not homeless, but some men are / 
 y home less than others. 
 
 A wag suggests that a suitable opening for 
 many choirs should be, Lord, have mercy on us, 
 miserable singers. 
 
 'c> v 
 
 Fritz says he can't eat oleomargarine because 
 it disagrease with him. 
 
 A hard-hearted parent in Syracuse proposes to 
 change his daughter's name to Misery, because 
 she likes company so well. 
 
 Some one who has suffered from indigestion 
 says mince pie is meat for repentance. 
 
 When she told him he was a fiat, Jones said it 
 was all her fault, because she wouldn't have 
 him a round. Jones thinks he got square on her 
 then.
 
 26 Bmerfcan TUttit ano Ibumor 
 
 I hope I see you well, as the bucket said when 
 it touched the water. 
 
 A schoolmaster being asked what was meant 
 by the word fortification, answered, "two twenty - 
 ifications make a fortification." 
 
 An itch for office does not always lead to a 
 niche in the temple of fame. 
 
 Talking about modern miracles, the Stamford 
 Advocate says he cured his boy of some bad 
 habits by the laying on of hands. 
 
 It's a bad thing to have a sore mouth, but 
 a sore thing to have a bad mouth. 
 
 A Newburg goat the other day devoured an 
 entire novel at one sitting. That's what you 
 might call a regular swallow-tail goat. 
 
 Why they call a sensational report a canard 
 is because one can-ardly believe it. 
 
 Brown's ladyship said she did not know how 
 to make both ends meet. "Well," asked 
 Brown, "why don't you make one end 
 vegetables ? ' '
 
 Bmcrican TlUllt ano Ibumor 27 
 
 A conscience void of offence is a good thing ; 
 but a farm void of a fence is quite another 
 matter. 
 
 
 It is easy to breakfast in bed if you will be 
 satisfied with a few rolls and a turnover. 
 
 Where there's a will there's apt to be a con- 
 test. One touch of humor makes the whole 
 
 world chin. 
 
 General Sevenyearich would be the man to 
 bring the Russians up to the scratch. 
 
 A great genius says: " A printer who set in 
 type #10,000 to read $1,000, might have pre- 
 vented his mistake by a little fourth-aught." 
 
 
 Advice to parents — When your boy cries for 
 a stick of candy, just take a stick to him. 
 
 A minister nigh to Boston had a son born to 
 him and a generous donation from his church, 
 the other Saturday, and in the next day's prayer 
 he alluded with gratitude to the arrival of a 
 little succor.
 
 28 Bmertcan TKHit ano Ibumor 
 
 The Chicago papers call the tornado "she" 
 — probably because it made a bustle in the out- 
 skirts. 
 
 / 
 
 Leading out of the village of Hope, N. J., is 
 a covered bridge upon which some wag has 
 written: "Who enters here leaves Hope 
 behind." 
 
 The most popular book at watering places 
 this summer will be the — pocketbook. ^ 
 
 A certain Mr. David Fender, popping the 
 question in a letter, concluded thus : " And 
 should you say yes, dear Mary, I will truly be 
 your D. Fender." 
 
 When married men complain of being in hot 
 water at home, it turns out half the time that it's 
 scold. 
 
 A person leaving a crowded stage at New 
 York the other day, steadied himself by rest- 
 ing his hands on the knees of the passengers. 
 "What a savage!" exclaimed one lady. 
 "Yes," replied her companion, "he is a 
 Pawnee."
 
 amerfcan TKIltt ano tt)umor 29 
 
 A German grocer in New York called his 
 horse Napoleon because he had so many bony 
 parts. 
 
 A fellow who has actually tried it, says that 
 although there are three scruples in a dram, the 
 more drams you take the less scruples you will 
 have. 
 
 A Georgia paper promises to publish a thrill- 
 ing cereal. Its readers will probably make an 
 oat of it. 
 
 Old Hornblower was talking very big about 
 being entirely a self-educated man. Sneerwell, 
 who heard him, said, " Ah, I understand ! You 
 were at the school where every man was his own 
 toot-er." 
 
 " Boy, how did you manage to get such a big 
 4 string of fish?" "I hooked them, sir," said 
 the boy. 
 
 A young man from Connecticut, who went 
 West a year or so ago, has just been hanged in 
 Nevada as a horse thief. How true is the old 
 adage that you have to go away from home to 
 get the noose.
 
 30 American Witt ant> Ibumor 
 
 Charity Ann Burden, of Indianapolis, has 
 gone into the Divorce Court to get rid of her 
 Burden. 
 
 I 
 
 A Boston paper tells of a young man in Ja- 
 maica Plain who woke up the other night and 
 saw a ghost in his room. Seizing his six 
 shooter, he approached it, and found it was his 
 collar which was standing on the floor. He 
 calls it a case of collar in phantom. 
 
 If your foot is asleep, wake it up quickly, for 
 the poet tells us that the sole is dead that slum- 
 bers. )( 
 
 In Siam they have a curious way of deciding 
 lawsuits by putting both parties under water and 
 awarding the victory to the one who stays the 
 longer, entirely dispensing with lawyers. Hence 
 the legal term: "Just as Siam, without one 
 plea!" 
 
 Timid people prefer a shoal place for salt 
 water bathing. They like to go down to the 
 brine knee deep. 
 
 Pleasant- faced people are generally the most 
 i welcome, but the auctioneer is always pleased to 
 see a man whose countenance is for bidding.
 
 Bmecican TWUt anO Ibumot 31 
 
 Mutual admiration — as the season of picnics 
 approaches, boys begin to feel gallant, and girls 
 buoyant. 
 
 * 
 
 The Philadelphia Bulletin says : " That bury- 
 ing a man alive is a grave error." By the same 
 token, cremating a man alive is a burning shame. 
 
 Drinkers in this country can hardly be 
 heathen, but still the great idea with them is 
 jug-or-not. 
 
 The latest fraud hails from Fargo, Dakota, 
 where a man goes round and vaccinates with 
 mucilage. It is a regular gum game. 
 
 Mark Twain says the Sandwich Islanders are 
 generally as unlettered as the other side of a 
 tombstone. 
 
 All the signers of the Declaration of Inde- 
 pendence signed their names with quill pens 
 except one — he signed his Witherspoon. 
 
 A man who works for a living ought to marry 
 a woman taller than himself. The laborer is 
 worthy of his higher.
 
 32 amertcan IDCUt an& Ibumot 
 
 Somebody advertises for a machine girl. The 
 question is, in what particular a machine girl is 
 better than a handmaid. 
 
 . The grasshopper is something of a singer, but 
 the potato bug is the most indefatigable musi- 
 
 cian. He plays on the tuber. 
 
 * 
 
 
 
 The crocus put its head out from under the 
 snow and said to its companion, " you lilac 
 everything if you say this is spring." J 
 
 Two soles that beat as one, remarked the boy 
 to his mother, as she was dealing with him for 
 his sins, using both slippers at once. . 
 
 
 
 Said he: "Matilda, you are my dearest 
 duck." Said she : " Augustus, you are trying 
 to stuff me." She was too sage for him. y^_ 
 
 Enthusiastic youth on horse car, "That star 
 
 ^over there is Mars. ! ' Unsympathetic Driver, ' ' Is 
 it? Then the other one, I suppose, is pa's." V 
 
 The Englishman who said that liquor had 
 been the horrid-gin of all his troubles has been 
 spirited away, as he richly deserves to have 
 been.
 
 t 
 
 Bmerfcan TlCUt ano Ibumor ;;:*. 
 
 " Fred," said a young man, walking up Stated- 
 street, in Chicago, the other day, after listening 
 to his wonderful story, "do you know why you 
 are like a harp struck by lightning? " 
 " No," says Fred; "I give it up." 
 "Because a harp struck by lightning is a 
 blasted lyre."
 
 CHAPTER II 
 
 To be Read While Waiting for your Husband 
 to come Home from the Club. 
 
 Mrs. Partington says that her minister 
 preached about the parody of the probable son. 
 
 Mrs. Partington says few persons suffer from 
 suggestion of the brain nowadays. 
 
 Mrs. Malaprop says that she hates intolerance 
 of all kinds, but the kind she hates most is 
 bigamy in religion. 
 
 One day when Mrs. Partington heard the 
 minister say there would be a nave in the new 
 chinch, she observed that she knew who that 
 party was. 
 
 It was bad enough for the Boston Advertiser 
 to say of Wilkie Collins as a lecturer : " The 
 London intonation is noticeable in a flattering of 
 the vowels. But it was worse when a Western 
 compositor made it read " a flattening of the 
 
 bowels." 
 
 34
 
 Smcrtcan TKUft ano Ibumor 35 
 
 A printer recently made "Be ye therefore 
 steadfast," the text of a minister's sermon, " Be 
 ye there for breakfast." 
 
 Old mother Partington was both apt and 
 truthful when she declared that " There is no 
 blessing like health, particularly when you are 
 sick." 
 
 At a recent free religion convention held in 
 New Haven, it was asserted that man had made 
 
 God in his own image. 
 
 Boy presents a dollar bill in a Hartford bake- 
 shop. Little girl, who is acting chief clerk : 
 " My father is very perpendicular about taking 
 torn bills." 
 
 It doesn't matter how watchful and vigilant 
 a girl is ; if a fellow kisses her, it is ten to one 
 he will do it right under her nose. 
 
 A country paper says, that in reply to a ques- 
 tion from the lecture committee of the chief 
 town of the district as to the subject of a lecture 
 to be given at the institution, the lecturer tele- 
 graphed, ' ' A Taste of Naples and Rome. ' ' The 
 telegraph made it read, "A Taste of Apples and 
 Rum."
 
 36 Bmerican "Wait ano Ibumot 
 
 Mrs. Partington declares that she does not 
 wish to vote, as she fears she couldn't stand the 
 shock of the electrical franchise. 
 
 A watering place correspondent writes that 
 very few bathers bathe at the West End ; where- 
 upon Mrs. Partington says she had an idea they 
 bathed all over. 
 
 An Iowa editor recently announced that a 
 certain patron of his was thieving as usual. He 
 declared he wrote it thriving. 
 
 A Michigan paper recently closed an obituary 
 notice with the misquotation, "He is not dead, 
 but squeaketh." The printer apparently wasn't 
 minding his p's and q's. 
 
 A Jerseyman, who lately fell heir to a con- 
 siderable inheritance, immediately sent for a tailor 
 to come and measure him for a coat-of-arms. 
 
 A rustic youth being asked to take tea with a 
 friend, was admonished to praise the eatables. 
 Presently the butter was passed to him, when he 
 remarked : " Very nice butter — what there is of 
 it," and observing a smile, he added; "and 
 plenty of it such as it is."
 
 Bmertcan trait ano Mumot 37 
 
 Mr. Timpkins has just returned from Europe, 
 bringing with him a portrait of himself, done, 
 as he explains, " by one of the old masters ! " 
 
 An old lady was admiring the beautiful pic- 
 ture Saved. " It's no wonder," she said, " that 
 the poor child fainted after pulling that great 
 dog out of the water." 
 
 Mrs. Partington, reading of the strike of the 
 wire-drawers, remarked, "Ah, me! what new- 
 fangled things won't they wear next." 
 
 " Is that your offspring, madam ? " asked a 
 Missouri judge of a woman who had hold of a 
 stub-nosed boy's hand. " No, sir," she replied, 
 " this is my oldest boy." 
 
 A rural poet indited a sonnet to his sweet- 
 heart, entitled "I kissed her sub rosa." The 
 compositor knew better than that, and set it up 
 in printer's Latin, "I kissed her snub nosa." 
 
 The Philadelphia Ledger recently announced 
 the marriage of a couple as occurring suddenly, 
 February 15. It meant Sunday, February 15, 
 but no explanation will pacify the bridegroom 
 who is on the war path.
 
 38 American Wit an& Ibumor 
 
 According to an Auburn paper, they are go- 
 ing to put up in that city an addition to their 
 seminary to accommodate eighty-six students 
 200 feet long. 
 
 An old lady, hearing some one reading about 
 Congressmen-at-large, rushed to the kitchen 
 door, shouting : " Sarah Jane, Sarah Jane, don't 
 you leave the clothes out all night, I tell you, 
 for there's a Congressman at large ! " 
 
 An Irish editor says, "that a child was run 
 over in the street by a wagon three years old 
 and crosseyed, with • pantlets on which never 
 spoke afterward." 
 
 " There was an old family fuel between them," 
 was what a female witness in a Chicago murder 
 case said to the jury. A juryman asked her if 
 she didn't mean feud ? and she asked him who 
 was telling the story. 
 
 "Let the pudding alone, there! That's the 
 dessert ! " exclaimed a waiter to a countryman, 
 who was devouring the tapioca at an early stage 
 of the dinner. "/ don't care if it is a desert," 
 testily said the countryman; "I'd eat it if it 
 was a wilderness."
 
 Bmetican TUIlit ano Ibumor 39 
 
 The Chicago Tribune prints a poem in which 
 the writer wishes that she had " a heart full of 
 sweet yearlings." The authoress says the 
 printer who set it up is a calf. 
 
 What agonies must that editor have endured 
 who, writing of his love, asserted in his manu- 
 script that he kissed her under the silent stars, 
 *nd found the compositor had made him de- 
 dare that he kicked her under the cellar stairs. 
 
 "How wonderfully all your little treasures re- 
 semble their father, Mrs. Golloper ! This dar- 
 ling now especially reminds me of Mr. G. ! " 
 Mrs. G. ; "Oh no, Mr. Blimkins, that is Mrs. 
 Littlejohn's child, who lives next door." Blim- 
 kins subsides. 
 
 The intelligent compositor has broken out in 
 Natick, where, aided by the vigilant proof- 
 reader, he enters into a conspiracy against a 
 dead clergyman, and remarked: "Fraud after 
 fraud departs." 
 
 At a recent meeting of a society composed of 
 men from the Emerald Isle, a member made the 
 following motion : " Mr. President, I move yee's 
 that we whitewash the ceiling green in honor of 
 the old flag."
 
 40 Bmcrican TWlit anc Ibumor 
 
 At a town meeting a large taxpayer rose up 
 to protest against building a new schoolhouse 
 in a certain part of the town. " What's the 
 good of it ? They are an ignorant set down 
 there anyway." 
 
 While the boundary line of Virginia and 
 North Carolina was in dispute the residence of 
 a lady was uncertain as to the State. When the 
 line was finally established she was in Virginia. 
 I am very glad of it, she observed, for North 
 Carolina is always such a sickly State. 
 
 Proud mamma: — "Don't you think dear 
 baby's the image of his papa? " Dull but well- 
 meaning family friend : — " Well perhaps he is; 
 but I dare say he'll outgrow it in time." 
 
 " La, me ! " sighed Mrs. Partington, "here 
 I have been suffering the bigamies of death for 
 three moral weeks. First I was seized with a 
 bleeding phrenology in the left hampshire of the 
 brain, which was exceeded by a stoppage of the 
 ventilator of the heart. This gave me an in- 
 flammation in the borax, and now I'm sick with 
 the chloroform morbus. There is no blessin' 
 like that of health, particularly when you are 
 ill."
 
 Smerlcan IMit ano Ibumor 41 
 
 An Irish advertisement: "If the gentleman 
 who keeps a shoe store with the red head, will 
 return the umbrella of a young lady with the 
 ivory handle, he will hear something to her ad- 
 vantage." 
 
 A Troy paper published two articles on 
 Wednesday, one of which was an obituary notice 
 and the other a funny anecdote. The headings 
 accidentally got changed, and when the paper ap- 
 peared the editor was horrified to see the obituary- 
 notice headed, "A Good Joke," while the funny 
 anecdote was prefixed with the caption, " A Sad 
 Announcement." 
 
 Mrs. Partington, in illustration of the prov- 
 erb, "a soft answer turneth away wrath," says 
 " that it is better to speak paregorically of a per- 
 son than to be all the time flinging epitaphs at 
 him." 
 
 " Speaking of bathing," said Mrs. Partington, 
 from behind the steam that arose from her tea as 
 a veil to her blushes when touching upon so 
 delicate a subject, "some bathe with perfect im- 
 purity in water as cold as Greenland's icy 
 mountains and India's coral strand, but for my 
 part I prefer to have the water a little torpid."
 
 42 Bmerican "Watt an& Ibumor 
 
 A young lady who went to the city to see 
 what was advertised as a Spectacular Drama, 
 came home greatly disappointed. She says not 
 one of the actors wore spectacles. 
 
 After-dinner orator : — " It's in the wonderful 
 insight inter 'uman nature that Dickens gets the 
 pull over Thackeray ; but on t'other hand, it's in 
 the brilliant shafts of satire, t'gether with a keen 
 sense o' humor, that Thackens gets the pull 
 on Dickery. It's just this : Thickery is the 
 humorist, and Dackens is the satirest. But, 
 after all, it's 'bsurd to instoot any comparison 
 between Dackery and Thickens." 
 
 A lady entered a drug store and asked for a 
 bottle of Jane's Experience. The clerk in- 
 formed her that Jane hadn't bottled her ex- 
 perience yet, but they could furnish Jayne's 
 Expectorant. 
 
 The fashion reporter who wrote with reference 
 to a belle " Her feet were encased in shoes that 
 might be taken for fairy boots," tied his wardrobe 
 up in a handkerchief and left for parts unknown 
 when it appeared the next morning: "Her 
 feet were encased in shoes that might be taken 
 for ferryboats."
 
 American TKHit anD fDumoc 43 
 
 "Where a woman," says Mrs. Partington, 
 "has been married with a congealing heart, and 
 one that beats desponding to her own, she will 
 never want to enter the maritime state again." 
 
 It was after a concert, and a prominent Ger- 
 man cantatrice asked a gentleman to whom she 
 had been introduced how he liked her duet. 
 "You sang charmingly, madam. But why did 
 you select such a horrid piece of music?" 
 "Sir, that was written by my late husband ! " 
 
 " Ah, yes, of course ! I did not mean But 
 
 why did you select such a cow to sing with? " 
 " Ach Himmel, that is my present husband ! " 
 
 While Mrs. Bascom was in town she saw a 
 young lady and gentleman playing lawn tennis. 
 " Wal, I declar' ! " she said, turning to Ebenezer, 
 "they keep 'em separated with a net nowa- 
 days, don't they?" 
 
 There is a wealthy brewer in Montreal who 
 built a church, and inscribed on it: "This 
 church was erected by Thomas Molson, at his 
 sole expense. Hebrews, XX. chapter." Some 
 of the McGill College wags got a ladder one 
 night, and altered, " by Thomas Molson at his 
 soul's expense. He brews (double) XX."
 
 44 American THIlit anD IRumor 
 
 A fashionable but illiterate New York lady, 
 traveling on the Continent writes to a friend 
 that she has just seen the museum of iniquities 
 in Genoa, and she does think it is perfectly 
 splendid. 
 
 " My real number is six, but my hand will bear 
 squeezing," is what she said to the young man at 
 the glove-counter. And the great thick-headed 
 lunatic got her a pair of five and a half gloves 
 without finding out how much squeezing her 
 hand would bear. 
 
 A young gentleman remarked to his female 
 companion, the other evening, "Ah! the most 
 beautiful evening in my recollection. Luna 
 looks peculiarly beautiful." "Was that her 
 just went by?" quickly asked the young lady. 
 
 An absent-minded professor in going out of 
 the gateway of his college ran against a cow. 
 In the confusion of the moment he raised his hat 
 and exclaimed : "I beg your pardon, madam ! " 
 Soon after he stumbled against a lady in the 
 street. In sudden recollection of the former 
 mishap, he called out, with a look of rage in his 
 countenance, "Is that you again, you brute?"
 
 Bmecican IKHit an& "fcumor 45 
 
 " If it was not for the years couched upon his 
 head," wrote the obituary writer; and then he 
 got right up and howled when the typesetter 
 rendered it, "If it were not for his ears he 
 could have stood upon his head." 
 
 A little fellow who attends a Hartford primary 
 school one day failed to come home at the usual 
 hour, much to the alarm of the household, and 
 after a long search he was found, some time 
 after dark. This is his explanation of the cir- 
 cumstance : "I'll tell you, mamma, how it hap- 
 pened. After school I went part way home 
 
 with Mary , and at the corner of a street, 
 
 where she left me, I kissed her, and she kissed 
 me, and then I found I was lost." It is sus- 
 pected that this is not the first young gentleman 
 who has been lost under similar circumstances. 
 
 "Have you any children?" demanded a 
 house-renter ; " yes," replied the other solemnly, 
 '•six — all in the cemetery." "Better there 
 than here," said the landlord, consolingly; and 
 proceeded to execute the desired lease. In due 
 time the children returned from the cemetery, 
 whither they had been sent to play, but it was 
 too late to annul the contract.
 
 46 Bmecican Wit ano tmmor 
 
 "He blew out his brains after bidding his wife 
 good-bye with a gun." "Erected to the 
 memory of John Phillips, accidentally shot as a 
 mark of affection by his brother." "A piano 
 for sale by a lady about to cross the Channel in 
 ;i oak case with carved legs." 
 
 A young man in Olathe, Kansas, who is par- 
 ticular about his washing, the other day wrote a 
 note to his washerwoman and one to his girl, 
 and, by a strange fatality, put the wrong 
 address on each envelope and sent them off. 
 The washerwoman was well pleased at an 
 invitation to take a ride the next day, but when 
 the young lady read, " If you muss my shirt 
 bosom, and rub the buttons off my collar any- 
 more, as you did the last time, I will go some- 
 where else," she cried all the evening, and de- 
 c-hues that she will never speak to him again. 
 
 She had sued for breach of promise, and the 
 verdict of the jury was against her. " Want to 
 pole the jury?" she repeated. "Yes, I do. 
 Jes' gimme the pole for two minutes," and she 
 had thrown off her bonnet and expectorated on 
 the palms of her hands before the legal phrase 
 could be explained by her counsel.
 
 amerfcan "Watt ano tmmor 47 
 
 Senator Scott, talking to a Pennsylvania 
 Sunday-school, recently, asked the scholars why 
 Simon was kept in prison ? One of the teachers 
 quietly prompted a boy to say that it was for a 
 hostage, and the youth nut quite catching the 
 word, piped out, " He was detained for postage." 
 
 Soon after Chief Justice Chase assumed the 
 gubernatorial chair in Ohio, he issued his proc- 
 lamation appointing a Thanksgiving Day. To 
 make sure of being orthodox, the governor com- 
 posed his proclamation almost entirely of pas- 
 sages from the Bible, which he did not designate 
 as quotations, presuming that every one would 
 recognize them, and admire the fitness of the 
 words as well as his taste of selection. The 
 -proclamation meeting the eye of a Democratic 
 editor, he pounced at once upon it, and de- 
 clared that he had read it before — couldn't 
 exactly say where — but he would take his oath 
 that it was a downright plagiarism from be 
 ning to end. That would have been a pretty 
 fair joke ; but the next day the Republican 
 editor came out valiantly in defence of the gov- 
 ernor, pronounced the charge libelous, and 
 challenged any man living to produce one single 
 line of the proclamation that had appeared in 
 print before.
 
 CHAPTER III 
 
 About Children 
 
 " Where yet was ever found a mother 
 Who'd give her booby for another." 
 
 A schoolboy says it is better to pursue 
 pleasure than to catch it. 
 
 " What you been a doin' ? " asked a boy of 
 his playmate whom he saw coming out of the 
 house with tears in his eyes. "I've been a 
 chasm' a birch rod round my father," was the 
 snarling reply. 
 
 Schoolmaster : " What is nothing ? " Boy : 
 "It is when a man asks you to hold his horse, 
 and just says, 'Thank you.' " 
 
 Sunday-school teacher to pupil, "Now, my 
 little man, can you explain the cause of Adam's 
 fall?" Little man (emphatically), "Yes, sir; 
 'cause he hadn't any ashes to throw on the side- 
 walk." 
 
 48
 
 Smertcan TKUtt ano t)umor 49 
 
 A four-year-old boy recently complained that 
 his teeth had trod on his tongue. 
 
 " Would you take the last cent a person has 
 for a glass of soda water? " asked a Kankakee 
 youth. "Yes," responded the unthinking pro- 
 prietor. Whereupon the hopeful pulled out the 
 cent and got the drink. 
 
 A boy defines salt as the stuff that makes the 
 potatoes taste bad when you don't put on any. 
 
 An interesting little boy, timid when left 
 alone in a dark room, was overheard recently by 
 his mother to say in his loneliness, " Oh, Lord, 
 don't let any one hurt me, and I'll go to church 
 next Sunday, and give you some money." 
 
 Our schoolboy remarks that when his teacher 
 undertakes to show him what is what, he onlv 
 finds out which is switch. 
 
 The deacon's son was telling the minister 
 about the bees stinging his pa, and the minister 
 inquired: " Stung your pa, did they ? Well, 
 what did your pa say?" "Step this way a 
 moment," said the boy, " I'd rather whisper it 
 to you."
 
 50 Bmerican liillit anfc Ibumor 
 
 An experienced boy says he regards hunger 
 and the chastening rod as about the same thing. 
 They both make a boy holler. 
 
 A lady asked a pupil of a Sunday-school, 
 " what was the sin of the Pharisees? " "Eat- 
 ing camels, ma'am," was the quick reply. She 
 had read that the Pharisees "strained at gnats 
 and swallowed camels." 
 
 A clergyman was recently telling a marvelous 
 story, when his little girl said, "Now, pa, is 
 that really true, or is it just preaching? " 
 
 A mother who had with her a little daughter, 
 was examining the figure of a horse on a tomb- 
 stone, and wondering of what it was an emblem. 
 There was nothing to explain it in the inscrip- 
 tion. "Mamma," said the little one, as they 
 moved away, "I shouldn't wonder if she died 
 of the nightmare." 
 
 It was during a severe thunder shower that a 
 maiden of four summers remarked : " Mother, 
 it yains so hard Dod can't light his fire. He's 
 burned up most a whole box of matches al- 
 ready."
 
 American "GUlit ano tmmor 51 
 
 "Why should we celebrate Washington's 
 birthday more than mine ? " asked a teacher. 
 11 Because he never told a lie ! " shouted a little 
 boy. 
 
 A remarkably dirty man stepped in front of a 
 small boy silting on a fence, expecting to have 
 some fun by chaffing him. He said : " How 
 much do you weigh?" The answer was: 
 " Well, about as much as you would if you 
 were washed." 
 
 " How greedy you are," said one little girl to 
 another, who had taken the best apple in the 
 dish, " I was going to take that." 
 
 The old man sighed as he took the golden- 
 haired, laughing boy upon his knees and strok- 
 ing his shining tresses, said : " How I should 
 like to feel like a child again." Little Johnnie 
 ceased his laughter, and looking soberly up into 
 his grandfather's face, remarked: "Then why 
 don't you get mamma to spank you? " 
 
 A little eight-year-old rushed into a teachers' 
 examination at Oswego, N. Y., and bawled out, 
 "Annie, your feller is down to the house." 
 Annie didn't pass.
 
 52 Bmetican "Cdit ano Ibumor 
 
 "There, now," cried little Bessie the other 
 day rummaging a drawer in the bureau, 
 " grandpa has gone to heaven without his 
 spectacles." 
 
 "Ma," said an intelligent boy of nine, "I 
 don't think Solomon was so rich as they say he 
 was." "Why, my dear, what could have put 
 that into your head?" asked the astonished 
 mother. " Because the Bible says he slept with 
 his fathers, and I think if he had been so rich 
 he would have had a bed of his own." 
 
 " Don't a Quaker ever take off his hat to any 
 one, mamma?" "No, my dear." "If he 
 don't take off his hat to a barber, how does he 
 have his hair cut? " 
 
 " Mamma, where do the cows get the milk?" 
 looking up from the foaming pan of milk which 
 he had been intently regarding. "Where do 
 you get your tears?" was the answer. Then, 
 after a thoughtful silence he again broke out : 
 " Mamma, do the cows have to be spanked ? " 
 
 " O, George, your sister is a nice girl, but 
 she does dress her head up so." "Yes," said 
 George; "but it is the fashion; there's nothing 
 in it, you know. ; '
 
 Hmcrican limit ano "ftmmoc 53 
 
 A little boy who had been used to receiving 
 his older brother's old toys and clothes recently 
 remarked: "Ma, will 1 have to marry his 
 widow when he dies?" 
 
 "So you don't care about donkey-riding, 
 mi s. And why?" "O, I've got a pony and 
 one doesn't care about donkeys after that you 
 know." " Has a pony got more legs than a 
 donkey, then ? " Miss (who does nut like to 
 be chaffed), "Yes; exactly twice as many as 
 some donkeys that I know of." 
 
 A little girl, after noticing for some time the 
 glittering gold stopping in her aunt's front teeth, 
 exclaimed, "Aunt Mary, I wish I had copper- 
 toed teeth like yours." 
 
 "1 never saw such a restless child!" ex- 
 claimed the mother, as she tried to fit the boy 
 with a new jacket. The little fellow grew quiet 
 and thoughtful for a moment, and then suddenly 
 exclaimed : " I know why I'm so, ma — the day 
 God made me I guess the dust was flying awful." 
 
 " And why did Aaron make a golden calf? " 
 Sharp child of the three-and-a-half: " Please, 
 miss, because he hadn't got enough gold to make 
 a cow."
 
 54 Bmetican tuft ano Ibumor 
 
 A Danbury boy made a very handsome snow 
 man about seven feet high, the other day, and 
 robed it with his mother's sixty dollar Paisley 
 shawl. He is saddest when he sits. 
 
 A little five-year-old girl was taught to close 
 her evening prayer, during the temporary ab- 
 sence of her father, with : " And please watch 
 over my papa." It sounded very sweet, but 
 the mother's amazement may be imagined when 
 the child added: "And you'd better keep an 
 eye on mamma, too." 
 
 "I declare, mother," said a pretty little girl, 
 in a pretty little way, " 'tis too bad. You 
 always send me to bed when I am not sleepy, 
 and you always make me get up when I am 
 sleepy ! " 
 
 A wee bit of a girl in Cusco, Wis., while at 
 ilit- breakfast-table a few mornings since, made 
 loud and repeated calls for buttered toast. After 
 disposing of a liberal quantity of that nouri.-hing 
 article she was told that too much toast would 
 make her sick. Looking wistfully at the dish 
 for a moment, she thought she saw a way out 
 of her difficulty, and exclaimed, " Well, give 
 annuzer piece and send for the doctor ! "
 
 Hmerican llCUt ano tmmot 55 
 
 A little fellow who had just commenced read- 
 ing the newspapers, asked his father if the word 
 Hon. prefixed to the name of a member of Con- 
 gress, meant honest. 
 
 A gentleman living in the suburbs was taking 
 aim at a hawk that was perched on a tree near 
 his chicken-coop, when his little son exclaimed, 
 "Don't take aim, papa, let it go off by acci- 
 dent ! " " Why so ? " asked the father. " 'Cause 
 every gun that goes off by accident always hits 
 somebody." 
 
 A new style of boys' trousers has been in- 
 vented in Boston, with a copper seat, sheet-iron 
 knees, riveted down in the seams, and water- 
 proof pockets, to hold broken eggs. 
 
 One of our young ladies whose company is 
 much prized by an enterprising merchant, took 
 charge of a class of little girls the other Sunday. 
 After the lesson, she told the children that if 
 they wished to ask her any questions she would 
 answer them. " Will you answer true? " asked 
 a bright-eyed cherub. "Certainly," said the 
 teacher. "Well, then," said the little one, 
 hesitatingly, "do — do you love Mr. B ?"
 
 56 American Mit ano Ibumor 
 
 " Do you understand me now ? " thundered 
 a country schoolmaster to an urchin at whose 
 head he threw an inkstand. "I've got an ink- 
 ling of what you mean," replied the boy. 
 
 A little five-year-old boy at Hartford was 
 asked by a lady a few days since for a kiss. 
 He immediately complied, but the lady, noticing 
 that the little fellow drew his hand across his 
 lips, remarked, "Ah, but you are rubbing it 
 off." "No I ain't," was the quick rejoinder. 
 " I'm rubbing it in! " 
 
 The old gentleman is snoring the snore of the 
 virtuous in his easy chair. His youthful grand- 
 son rushes to his mother. " Oh, ma, grandpa 
 is in the parlor — sleeping right out loud." 
 
 " My son," said a fond father, who was look- 
 ing over the lesson his boy had recited that day, 
 " how did you manage when your teacher asked 
 you to spell metempsychosis ? " " O, father," 
 said the boy, " I just stood spellbound." 
 
 " What part," asked a Sunday-school teacher, 
 "of the Burial of Sir John Moore do you like 
 best? " The boy was thoughtful for a moment 
 and then replied: "Few and short were the 
 prayers we said."
 
 Bmerican TRUtt ano Ibumoc 57 
 
 " The bees are swarming, and there's no end 
 to them," said farmer Jones, coming into the 
 house. His little boy George came in a second 
 afterward and said " there was an end to one of 
 'em, anyhow, and it was red hot too." 
 
 " My son," said a good mother to her young 
 hopeful, "did you wish your teacher a happy 
 New Year?" "No, ma'am," responded the 
 boy. "Well, why not?" "Because," said 
 the youth, "she isn't happy unless she's whip- 
 ping some of us boys, and I was afraid if I 
 wished her happiness she'd go for me." 
 
 Two little girls were comparing progress in 
 catechism study. "I've got to original sin," 
 said one. " How far have you got? " " Me ? 
 Oh, I'm way beyond redemption," said the 
 other. 
 
 Every day we have evidence that the small 
 boy has no soul. The other day a crowd gath- 
 ered around a farmer whose wagon load of 
 butter was fast in a mud hole, and while some 
 suggested that he pull his horse gee, and others 
 that he pull Him haw, the ever-present small 
 boy yelled, "It's no use, mister. Your old 
 horse ain't stout enough. Take him out an' 
 hitch in a roll of yer butter."
 
 58 American lUtt an& Ibumor 
 
 One of our august senators, who is getting 
 a little bald, was the other day asked by his 
 heir: "Papa, are you still growing?" "No, 
 dear, what makes you think so?" "Because 
 the top of your head is coming through your 
 hair." 
 
 At a mission Sunday-school, not long since, a 
 little boy was crying bitterly. The teacher upon 
 inquiry learned that he had lost his mother, and 
 she in sympathy remarked to the scholars that 
 no one knew what a loss it was until they had 
 lost a mother, and that Johnny had good cause 
 for crying. At this moment a little urchin 
 jumped up and said: "Oh, teacher, you just 
 wait till he gets a stepmother, then you'll hear 
 him cry ! " 
 
 He sat alone in her father's parlor waiting for 
 the fair one's appearance, the other evening, 
 when her little brother came cautiously into the 
 room, and gliding up to the young man's side, 
 held out a handful of something, and anxiously 
 inquired: "I say, mister, what 'r them?" 
 "Those," replied the young man, solemnly, 
 "those are beans." "There!" shouted the 
 boy, turning to his sister who was just coming 
 in the door, "I knew you lied; you said he 
 didn't know beans, and he does, too."
 
 Bmerican limit anD Ibumor 59 
 
 A little boy recently became greatly enamored 
 of a little toy trumpet which had been given 
 him. One night as he was being put in his little 
 bed, he handed the trumpet to his grandmother 
 saying: "Here, grain' ma, you blow while I 
 pray." 
 
 A boy was sent by his mother to saw some 
 stove wood out of railroad ties. Going out- 
 doors shortly after, she found the youth sitting 
 on the saw-horse with head down. The mother 
 asked her hopeful son why he didn't keep at his 
 work? The boy replied : " My dear mother, I 
 find it hard, very hard, to sever old ties." 
 
 Little boy, "Please, I want the doctor to 
 come and see mother." Servant, "Doctor's 
 out. Where do you come from ? " Little boy, 
 " What ! Don't you know me ? Why we deal 
 with you. We had a baby from here last 
 week ! " 
 
 A schoolmistress, while taking down the 
 names and ages of her pupils, and the names of 
 their parents, at the beginning of the term, 
 asked one little fellow, " What is your father's 
 name?" "Oh, you needn't take down his 
 name: he's too old to go to school to a 
 woman," was the reply.
 
 60 Smerfcan Wit ano Humor 
 
 Little three-year-old asked his mother to let 
 him have his building blocks to play with, but 
 she told her darling that it was Sunday, and 
 therefore not proper. "But, mamma," said 
 the young hopeful, " I'll build a church." He 
 got the blocks. 
 
 A man driving a wind-broken horse along 
 Bridge street Saturday, was hailed by a small 
 boy who enquired if the horse was for sale. 
 The man didn't know but he was. "Wall," 
 observed the little rascal, "they'd like to git 
 about such a critter up to the church to blow 
 the organ Sundays." 
 
 A schoolboy had just got his face fixed to 
 sing "Let us love one another," when a snow 
 ball hit him in the mouth and so confused him 
 that he yelled : " Bill Sykes, just do that agin 
 and I'll chaw your ear off." 
 
 A very young miss addressed her parental 
 ancestor at the breakfast table one Sunday 
 morning: "Pappy, I want a new hat and a 
 pair of new shoes." " I s'pose so. What don't 
 you want ?" remarked the paternal. "Well," 
 answered the quick-witted little miss, "I don't 
 want any cigars."
 
 Bmertcan lUtt ano Ibumor 61 
 
 When Arthur was a very small boy his mother 
 reprimanded him for some misdemeanor. Not 
 knowing it his father began to talk to him on 
 the same subject. Looking up into his fa< e, 
 Arthur said, solemnly, " My mother has tended 
 to me." 
 
 A Snnday-school teacher was explaining the 
 omnipresence of the Deity to his scholars, and 
 ended by telling them that he was everywhere. 
 Whereupon a red-headed boy asked : " Is he in 
 my pocket?" The teacher replied that the 
 question was rather profane but he would an- 
 swer. " Yes, he is everywhere." " I've got you 
 there," said the boy, " I ain't got no pocket." 
 
 A certain gentleman recently lost his wife, 
 and a young miss of six years who came to the 
 funeral said to his little daughter of about the 
 same age, " Your pa will marry again, won't 
 he?" "Oh, yes," was the reply: "but not 
 till after the funeral ! " 
 
 " Boy," said a traveler to a disobedient youth 
 whom he encountered, "don't you hear your 
 father speaking to you ? " "Oh y-a-a-s," replied 
 the youth, " but I don't mind what he says. 
 Mother don't neither ; and 'twixt us both we've 
 about got the dog so he don't."
 
 62 Hmerican TIUM ano "831111101 
 
 "Mother, what is an angel?" "An angel? 
 Well, an angel is a child that flies." "But, 
 mother, why does papa always call my gov- 
 erness an angel?" "Well," explained the 
 mother, after a moment's pause, "she's going 
 to fly immediately." 
 
 A conductor on the New Haven & Hartford 
 railroad received a telegram for one of his pas- 
 sengers the other day, and, going to the car 
 door, he timidly inquired, "Is there a Hone in 
 this car?" For an instant there was no re- 
 sponse, when a youth squealed out, " Why don't 
 you use your boot leg?" This gave the con- 
 ductor so much confidence that he bribed a 
 brakeman to canvass the other cars. 
 
 A few years ago a gentleman who had lost 
 his nose was invited out to tea. "My dear," 
 said the old lady of the house to her little 
 daughter, "I want you to be very particular 
 and make no remarks about Mr. Jenkins' nose." 
 Gathered around the table, everything was go- 
 ing well ; the child peeped about, looking rather 
 puzzled, and at last startled the table: "Ma, 
 why did you tell me to say nothing about Mr. 
 Jenkins' nose? He hasn't got any."
 
 American lUit ano Ibumor w 
 
 A small boy arose at a Sunday-school concert 
 and began quite glibly : "A certain man went 
 
 down to Jericho and fell — and fell ." Here 
 
 his memory began to fail him. " And, and — fell 
 by the roadside, and the thorns sprang up and 
 choked him." 
 
 Little Freddie was talking to his grandma, 
 who was something of a sceptic. "Grandma, 
 do you belong to the Presbyterian church?" 
 "No." " To the Baptist ? " "No." " To any 
 church?" " No." "Well, grandma, don't you 
 think it's about time to get in somewhere? " 
 
 A clerical gentleman in examining the Sun- 
 day-school, asked the class before him if any 
 could tell him anything about the apostle Peter. 
 A little girl raised her hand much to the gratifi- 
 cation of her examiner. "Come up here, my 
 little girl," said he ; "lam glad you remember 
 your Bible lesson so well. Now tell the other 
 boys and girls what you know about Peter." 
 The little girl was quite willing, and commenced : 
 "Peter, Peter, punkin-eater, had a wife and 
 couldn't keep her; so he put her in a — " but 
 before she could get to punkin shell the school 
 was in a roar.
 
 64 Bmettcan TWltt ano Humor 
 
 The title of the lesson was, " The Rich Young 
 Man," and the golden text was, " One thing 
 thou lackest." A teacher in the primary class 
 asked a little tot to repeat the two, and looking 
 earnestly into the young lady's face, the child 
 said, " One thing thou lackest — a rich young 
 man." 
 
 A mamma in the rural districts lately gave 
 her five-year hopeful an outfit of fishtackle. 
 Soon she heard a shout from Willie, and run- 
 ning out found one of her best hens fast wind- 
 ing up the line in her crop, whither the hook 
 had already preceded it. Willie observing the 
 troubled look of his mother, quietly remarked : 
 "Do not worry, mother. I guess she will stop 
 when she gets to the pole." 
 
 A promising young shaver of five or six years 
 was reading his lesson at school one day in that 
 deliberate manner for which urchins of that age 
 are somewhat remarkable. As he proceeded 
 with the task he came upon the passage, " Keep 
 thy tongue from evil and thy lips from guile." 
 Master Hopeful drawled out, ' ' Keep — thy — 
 tongue — from — evil — and — thy — lips — from — 
 girls."
 
 Bmerican WLit anD Ibumot 65 
 
 Very stern parent indeed, " Come here, sir ! 
 What is this complaint the schoolmaster has 
 made against you?" Much injured youth, 
 "It's just nothing at all. You see, Jimmy 
 Hughes bent a pin, and I only just left it on the 
 teacher's chair for him to look at, and he came 
 in without his specs and sat right down on the 
 pin and now he blames me for it ! " 
 
 At a school-board examination the inspector 
 asked a boy if he could forgive those who had 
 wronged him. "Could you," said the in- 
 spector, " forgive a boy, for example, who had 
 insulted or struck you?" " Y-e-s, sir," re- 
 plied the lad, very slowly, "I — think — I — 
 could; but," he added, in a much more 
 rapid manner, " I could if he was bigger than I 
 am." 
 
 Pending the occurrence of a threatened earth- 
 quake, a South American pater-familias sent his 
 boys to stay with a friend beyond the limits of 
 the fatal section. — The convulsions did not turn 
 up when due, but the youngsters remained in 
 their place of safety till the following note pro- 
 cured their recall: "Dear P. send the 
 
 earthquake along here, and take home your 
 boys."
 
 66 Bmerican limit and Ibumor 
 
 A lady of Washington County is mother of a 
 large family of children, and they are all rather 
 diminutive. A few days after the birth of the 
 youngest, not long since, a little niece of the 
 lady called to see the baby. After looking at 
 the tiny specimen for a few minutes, the little 
 girl said, "Aunt Maria, don't you think it 
 would be better to have less of 'em and have 
 'em bigger? " 
 
 A boy's composition. " Last summer our 
 dog Towser was a lying in the sun a trine to 
 sleep, but the flies was that bad he cuddent, cos 
 he had to cetch em, and bime by a bee lit on 
 his hed, and was a working a bout like the dog 
 was hisn. Towser he hel his hed still, and, 
 when the bee wos close to his nose, Towser 
 winked at me, like he said you see what this 
 duffer is a doin, he thinks I'm a lilly of the 
 valley which issent open yet, but you just wait 
 tiil I blossom and you will see some fun, and 
 sure enuff Towser opened his mouth very slo so 
 as not to fritten the bee, and the bee went inside 
 Towser's mouth. Then Towser he shet his 
 dreamy eyes, and his mouth too, and had be- 
 gun to make a peacefile smile wen the bee 
 stung him, and you never see a lilly of the 
 valley ack so in ol your life. ' '
 
 american llOit an& Ibumor 67 
 
 A Brooklyn boy wrote a composition on the 
 subject of the Quakers, whom he described as a 
 sect who never quarreled, never got into a fight, 
 never clawed each other and never jawed back. 
 The production contained a postscript in these 
 words : " Pa's a Quaker, but ma isn't." 
 
 There is a precocious six-year-old boy in 
 Auburn, Me., who is wonderful on spelling and 
 definition. The other day his teacher asked 
 him to spell matrimony : " M-a-t-r-i-m-o-n-y," 
 said the youngster, promptly. "Now define 
 it," said the teacher. "Well," replied the 
 boy, " I don't exactly know what it means, but 
 I know mother's got enough of it ! " 
 
 A Sabbath-school teacher desirous of waking 
 the dormant powers of a scholar, asked the 
 question : " What are we taught by the historic 
 incident of Jacob wrestling with the angel?" 
 The cautious reply came : " Dunno 'zactly, but 
 I s'pose 'twas to tell us we musn't rastle."
 
 CHAPTER IV 
 
 Miscellaneous 
 
 " Hangs sorrow, care'l] kill a cat." 
 
 " Don't you think, husband, that you are apt 
 to believe anything you hear ? " " No, madam, 
 not when you talk." 
 
 A New Orleans juryman was asked by the 
 judge if he ever read the papers. He replied : 
 " Yes, your honor; but if you'll let me go this 
 time, I'll never do so any more." 
 
 " Have you heard my last speech ? " asked a 
 political haranguer of a wit. " I sincerely hope 
 so," was the reply. 
 
 A young woman once married a man by the 
 name of Dust against the wish of her parents. 
 After a short time they began to quarrel, and 
 she attempted to return to her father's house, 
 but he refused to receive her, saying, " Dust 
 thou art, and unto Dust thou shall return." 
 And she got up and dusted. 
 
 68
 
 American limit ano Ibumor 69 
 
 Kate Sanborn inquires : " Why are men of 
 genius so often bachelors ? " " We suspect it is 
 because they are born so." 
 
 " Remember who you are talking to, sir," 
 said an indignant parent to a facetious boy ; "I 
 am your father." "Well, who's to blame for 
 that?" said the young impertinence, "'tain't 
 
 me." 
 
 A city fop who was taking an airing in the 
 country, tried to amuse himself by quizzing an 
 old farmer about his bald head, but was extin- 
 guished by the old man, who solemnly re- 
 marked, " Young man, when my head gets as 
 soft as yours I can raise hair to sell." 
 
 n 
 
 Ah!" yawned a bachelor, "this world is 
 but a gloomy prison." "To those in solitary 
 confinement," added a witty young lady. 
 
 A few days since, a seedy person applied to 
 a wealthy citizen for help, and received the 
 small sum of five cents. The giver remarked 
 as he handed him the pittance, " Take it, you 
 are welcome ; our ears are always open to the 
 distressed." "That may be," replied the re- 
 cipient, "but never before in my life have I 
 seen so small an opening for such large ears."
 
 70 Bmertcan mitt ano •fcumor 
 
 Weary person on evening visit: "Aw, 'm 
 just out of a sick bed." Terrible boy : " Say, 
 Mr. Johnson, what ails yer bed? " 
 
 "Hope for bald heads!" angrily explains 
 the editor of the Jersey City Journal, after read- 
 ing the heading of a newspaper advertisement. 
 " Hope, is not what we want. We need hair." 
 
 "Handsome is that handsome does," quoted 
 a Chicago man to his wife the other day. 
 "Yes," rejoined she, in a winning tone, as she 
 held out her hand; "for instance, a husband 
 who is always ready to hand some money to his 
 wife." 
 
 "What's the use of trying to be honest?" 
 asked a young man the other day of a friend. 
 " Oh ! you ought to try it once and see," was 
 
 the reply. 
 
 " Nothing," said an impatient husband, " re- 
 minds me so much of Balaam and his ass as 
 two women stopping in church and obstructing 
 the way to indulge in their everlasting talk." 
 "But you forget, dear," returned the wife, 
 meekly, "that it was the angel who stopped the 
 way, and Balaam and his ass who complained 
 of it."
 
 Bmerican limit ano "Ibumot 71 
 
 A wit once asked a peasant what part he 
 performed in the great drama of life. " I mind 
 my own business," was the reply. 
 
 A good woman, seeing a youth emerge from 
 a tavern, said : "I am sorry to see you come 
 out of such a place." To which the young 
 man responded: "Why, madam, would you 
 have me stay there all the time ? " 
 
 " Are there any fools in this town ? " asked a 
 stranger, of a newsboy, yesterday. " I don't 
 know," replied the boy, "are you lonesome?" 
 
 "So, here lam, between two tailors," cried 
 a beau at a public table, where a couple of 
 young tailors were seated, who had just begun 
 business for themselves. "True," was the 
 reply; " we are beginners, and can only afford 
 to keep one goose between us." 
 
 A young man who thought he had won the 
 heart, and now asked the hand in marriage, of 
 a certain young widow, was asked by her, 
 " What is the difference between myself and 
 Mr. Baxley's Durham cow ? " He naturally re- 
 plied, "Well, I don't know." "Then," said 
 the widow, " you had better marry the cow."
 
 72 Bmerican VSLit ano tbumor 
 
 "I have turned many a woman's head," 
 boasted a young nobleman of France. " Yes," 
 replied a Talleyrand, "away from you." 
 
 A man out West, who married a widow, has 
 invented a device to cure her of eternally prais- 
 ing her former husband. Whenever she begins 
 to discant on his noble qualities, this ingenious 
 No. 2 merely says : " Poor, dear man ! how I 
 do wish he had not died ! " 
 
 " I rise for information," said a member of a 
 legislative body. "I'm glad to hear it," said 
 a bystander, " for no man wants it more than 
 you." 
 
 "I meant to have told you of that hole," said 
 a gentleman to his friend who was walking with 
 him in his garden, and stumbled into a pit full 
 of water. "No matter," said the friend, blow- 
 ing the mud and water out of his mouth, " I've 
 found it." 
 
 " Do you really believe, Mr. Podkin, that 
 anybody could make a head from butter?" 
 asked the landlady. " Well, yes, ma'am, I 
 should think they might," said Podkins, as he 
 pushed back his individual butter plate ; " some- 
 body has got as far as the hair with this."
 
 Bmecican TlGltt anD Ibumot 73 
 
 " My dear sir," said a candidate, accosting a 
 sturdy wag on election day, "lam very glad to 
 see you." "You needn't be," replied the wag. 
 •• I've voted." 
 
 According to a Cincinnati paper, John 
 Thomas was recently sued by Hester Prim for 
 breach of promise. "John Thomas, come into 
 court ! " shouted the constable. "John Thomas 
 needn't come in to court me any more," said 
 Hester, primly. 
 
 "At what age were you married?" asked 
 she inquisitively. But the other lady was equal 
 to the emergency, and quietly responded, "at 
 the parson age." 
 
 Apropos of the Grahamite theory is the story 
 of old Sam Johnson's definition of oatmeal. 
 He hated the Scotch with an irrepressible ma- 
 lignity, and never lost an opportunity to express 
 himself on the subject. When engaged on his 
 famous dictionary he came to the word oatmeal, 
 and described it as follows : "A substance that 
 is given to horses in England and to men in 
 Scotland." One of the Edinburgh professors 
 saw it, and said: "Ay, and what splendid 
 horses you have in England, and what splendid 
 men we have in Scotland ! '
 
 74 Bmerican *CXHit ano Ibumor 
 
 " A fellow must sow his wild oats, you know," 
 exclaimed the adolescent John. "Yes," re- 
 plied Annie, " but one shouldn't begin sowing 
 so soon after cradling." 
 
 The father of a boy whose veracity is not so 
 marked as his back, asked the teacher why his 
 son didn't have a better acquaintance with fig- 
 ures, and was considerably electrified when the 
 teacher tenderly observed, " I really don't know, 
 unless it is because figures won't lie." 
 
 "Can you tell me how old the devil is?" 
 asked an irreverent fellow of a clergyman. 
 " My friend, you must keep your own family 
 record," was the reply. 
 
 One night Jones came home very late, and 
 found his wife evidently prepared to administer 
 a caudle lecture. Instead of going to bed, he 
 took a seat and, resting his elbows on his knees, 
 seemed absorbed in grief, sighing heavily, and 
 uttering such exclamations as, " Poor Smith, 
 poor fellow." Mrs. Jones, moved by curiosity, 
 said, sharply, " What's the matter with Smith ? " 
 "Ah," said Jones, "his wife is giving him fits 
 just now." Mrs. Jones let her husband off that 
 time.
 
 Hmerican TKflit ano Ibumot 75 
 
 Mrs. Jenkins complained in the evening that 
 the turkey she had eaten didn't set well. 
 "Probably," said Jenkins, "it was not a hen 
 turkey." 
 
 An old citizen in a country village, on having 
 a subscription list handed him toward purchas- 
 ing a new hearse for the place, thus excused 
 himself: "I paid five dollars for a new hearse 
 forty years ago, and me and my folks hain't had 
 the benefit of it yet." 
 
 "I'm so thirsty," said a boy at work in a 
 cornfield. " Well, work away," said his in- 
 dustrious father, "you know the prophet says, 
 1 Ho every one that thirsteth.' " 
 
 A commercial traveler, who is something of a 
 wag, thus relates his experience. He and his 
 companion were the sole occupants of the 
 smoking-car. They tried to converse but the 
 road was so rough they were pitched from side 
 to side like ship's passengers. At last they 
 were able to make each other understood. One 
 said, " Dan, the old thing is running smoother." 
 To which Dan replies, " Yes, I guess she's off 
 the track."
 
 76 Bmerican XUtt ant) Ibumor 
 
 " Can't you make any allowance for a man's 
 being drunk? " " Certainly," said the judge. 
 " I'll allow you thirty days in the workhouse." 
 
 Landlady — (_to boarder who has passed his 
 cup six times) " You are very fond of coffee, Mr. 
 Smith." Mr. Smith — " Yes, ma'am, it looks 
 as if I was when I am willing to swallow so much 
 water for the sake of getting a little. ' ' 
 
 A young man charged with being lazy was 
 asked if he took it from his father. " I think 
 not," was the reply; "father's got all the lazi- 
 ness he ever had." 
 
 " My dear boy," said a fond aunt to a fast 
 living nephew, " don't you know that in leading 
 this irregular life, you are shortening your 
 days ? " "It's quite possible," was the cool re- 
 ply, "that I may be shortening my days, but 
 then look how I am lengthening my nights? " 
 
 A man with a long nose had the end of it 
 frostbitten. A friend remarked, "You should 
 have rubbed it, and prevented the calamity." 
 He replied that he did, as far as he could 
 reach.
 
 Bmertcan TMit ani> f)umot 77 
 
 "D'ye mean to say that this is lamb?" 
 Butcher, " Cert'n'y, mum!" Old lady, 
 ''Maybe it was one; you and I was lambs 
 about the same time." 
 
 "I can't pass you to-night," said the door- 
 keeper of one of our theatres to an inveterate 
 dead head. "Well, I don't want you to pass 
 me," said the dead head. "You just stay 
 where you are, and I'll pass you — and he 
 passed." 
 
 He, " By Jove, you know — upon my word — 
 if I were to see a ghost, you know, I would be" 
 a chattering idiot for the rest of my life." She, 
 " Haven't you seen a ghost? " 
 
 An American, after dining at a London res- 
 taurant, paid his bill, and was about leaving, 
 when the waiter suggested that the amount did 
 not include the waiter. " Ah ! " said the man, 
 " but I didn't eat the waiter ! " 
 
 A western journalist tells us what he would 
 do if he were a jackass. A rival journalist re- 
 marks that what people desire to know is, what 
 he would do if he wasn't one.
 
 78 Bmetican Wit ano Ibumot 
 
 " Do not marry a widower," said the old 
 lady. " A ready-made family is like a plate of 
 cold potatoes." "Oh, I'll soon warm them 
 over," replied the damsel, and she did. 
 
 There are some persons who can't take a joke. 
 Fogg is not one of them. One of the boys, ac- 
 quainted with Fogg's frequent changes of abode, 
 asked him which he thought was the cheaper, 
 to move or pay rent. " I can't tell you, my 
 dear boy," replied Fogg. "I have always 
 moved." 
 
 "If I were as flat-footed as you are, I would 
 not be afraid of slipping on the sidewalk." 
 "Yes," was the response; "some persons are 
 flat on one end, and some on the other." 
 
 "The caution of the New Englander in giv- 
 ing an answer to a direct question was illustrated 
 tome," says a correspondent, "the other day, 
 when I asked an eastern friend of mine, whose 
 family were not noted for very active habits, 
 ' Was not your father's death very sudden ? ' 
 Slowly drawing one hand from his pocket, and 
 pulling down his beard, the interrogated cau- 
 tiously replied, ' Waal, rather sudden, for 
 him.' "
 
 Bmeucan TUUtt anD Ibumor 79 
 
 lie was twitted of his baldness and retorted 
 sharply : " Well, there are two things you never 
 saw in this world, a red-headed nigger or a 
 bald-headed fool." 
 
 A howling young swell stood in the vestibule 
 of a theatre scowling savagely at a countryman 
 near by who had been staring at him for several 
 minutes, and said : " What do you take me for, 
 anyhow?" " Wal, stranger," replied the gran- 
 ger, "I've been a sizin' you up purty well for a 
 second or so, and I wouldn't take you, just as 
 you stand, at any price — unless I was awful hard 
 up for fertilizing material." 
 
 A musician, noticing that his friends wearied 
 at his performance, remarked : " You are aware 
 that this is a very difficult passage." " I wish 
 it was impossible," replied one. 
 
 The young man with presence of mind resides 
 in Detroit. Just as he was lifting his hat to a 
 couple of young ladies on Woodward avenue, a 
 boy ran a sled against his legs, and the fashion- 
 able young man turned half a dozen pigeon- 
 wings and came down on all fours. Picking 
 his hat up without so much as a frown, he re- 
 marked to the ladies : "lam always subject to 
 these dizzy spells in winter."
 
 80 American lllit anD Ibumor 
 
 " Young man," said the landlord, " I always 
 eat the cheese rind." And the new boarder re- 
 plied, "Just so; I am leaving this for you." 
 
 It is related of a sentimental Newark youth, 
 who made a call upon a young lady, that, get- 
 ting short of something to say, he remarked : 
 " How sad it is, the frost has killed every thing- 
 green ! " Whereupon the lady arose with tears 
 in her eyes, and shook his hand warmly, ex- 
 claiming : "No, not everything. You, thank 
 heaven, have been spared." 
 
 A drunken Congressman said to Horace 
 Greeley one day : "I am a self-made man." 
 "Then, sir," replied the philosophical Horace, 
 " the fact relieves the Almighty of a great 
 responsibility." 
 
 An Austin schoolmaster entered his temple of 
 learning a few mornings ago, he read on the 
 blackboard the touching legend : " Our teacher 
 is a donkey." The pupils expected there would 
 be a combined cyclone and earthquake, but the 
 philosophic pedagogue contented himself with 
 adding the word "driver" to the legend and 
 opened the school with prayer as usual.
 
 Bmerican "WUit anD Ibumor 81 
 
 Said a pompous husband, whose wife had 
 stolen up behind and given him a kiss : 
 " Madame, I consider such an act indecorous." 
 "Excuse me," said the wife, "I did not know 
 it was you." 
 
 As a young couple were out riding the other 
 evening, the young man ventured to ask for a 
 kiss. The lady was much surprised — as all 
 young ladies affect to be when such a request is 
 made — and asked him what good it would do 
 him. "Oh," replied the young man, "it 
 would make one feel so gay and lively." 
 " Well, Charley, if as you say, a kiss is apt to 
 make one feel so gay and lively, I think if we 
 expect to get home before morning you had 
 better get out at once and kiss the old horse." 
 
 A witness, in describing certain events, said : 
 " The person I saw at the head of the stairs was 
 a man with one eye named Jacob Wilkins." 
 " What was the name- of the other eye? " spite- 
 fully asked the opposing counsel. The witness 
 was disgusted at the levity of the audience. 
 
 Financial : " They tell me you've had some 
 money left you," said Brown. "Yes," replied 
 Fogg sadly, " it left me long ago."
 
 82 Bmerlcan TWltt ano fjumor 
 
 "Do you think," asked Mrs. Pepper, "that 
 a little temper is a bad thing in a woman?" 
 " Certainly not, ma'am," replied a gallant phi- 
 losopher ; "it is a good thing, and she ought 
 never to lose it." 
 
 " Nice weather for corn ! " said a minister up 
 the valley to one of his parishioners, the other 
 day. " Yes," said the old farmer, " but bad for 
 grain and grass." A few days later they met 
 again. "A fine rain we had yesterday," said 
 the minister; "good for grass and grain." 
 " Yes," was the reply, " but awful bad for 
 corn." 
 
 A timid Bostonian has married a lady whose 
 weight verges closely upon 200 pounds. " My 
 dear," says he to her, "shall I help you over 
 the fence?" "No," says she to him, "help 
 the fence." 
 
 A story is told of a cool Bostonian when un- 
 dergoing a cross-examination. General Butler 
 had badgered him unmercifully, and finally said 
 with a mixture of solemnity and fierceness, " Can 
 you look me in the eye and repeat that? " The 
 witness looked at him a moment and asked 
 quietly, "Which eye?"
 
 Bmerican TOIltt anO Ibumor 83 
 
 " Hovv are ye, Smith," said Jones. Smith 
 pretended not to know him, and answered hesi- 
 tatingly : "Sir, you have the advantage of 
 me." "Yes, I suppose so. Everybody has 
 that's got common sense." 
 
 There is a story of a traveler, who, wishing 
 to reach Taunton, in the state of Massachusetts, 
 had somewhat got turned around and was trot- 
 ting along very composedly in the opposite di- 
 rection from the right one to that town. Meet- 
 ing a farmer in the road, he drew up and asked, 
 " How far is it to Taunton, if I keep straight 
 on ? " " Well," said the farmer, with a twinkle 
 in his intelligent eye, "if ye keep straight on 
 the way ye are going now, it's about twenty-five 
 thousand miles ; if ye turn right round and go 
 t'other way, it's about half a mile." 
 
 A composer once brought a manuscript to 
 Rossini, who, on listening, every minute took 
 off his hat and put it on again. The composer 
 asked whether he was so warm. "No," said 
 Rossini: "but I am in the habit of taking off 
 my hat whenever I meet an old acquaintance, 
 and there are so many I remember in your 
 composition, that I have continually to bow."
 
 84 Bmerican iXXit ano tbumor 
 
 " What did the Puritans come to this country 
 for?" asked a Massachusetts teacher of a class 
 in American history! "To worship in their 
 own way, and make other people do the same," 
 was the reply. 
 
 A sceptic who was badgering a simple-minded 
 old man about a miracle and Balaam's ass, 
 finally said : " How is it possible for an ass to 
 talk like a man ? " " Well," replied the honest 
 old believer, with meaning emphasis, "I don't 
 see why it ain't as easy for an ass to talk like a 
 man as it is for a man to talk like an ass." 
 
 A young man went into a florist's store the 
 other day to buy a rosebud for his affianced. 
 Seventy-five cents was the price asked. " Will 
 it keep?" inquired the young man. "Oh, 
 yes, a long while." "Then you may keep it." 
 Exit young man. 
 
 -? — 
 
 "What's that?" he asked his landlady, as 
 she set his cup by his plate. "Coffee," was 
 the prompt and decisive reply. "Ah," inno- 
 cently remarked the boarder, with an air of in- 
 terest, "and what is it made of? " And there 
 was silence around the table for the space of 
 half an hour.
 
 Bmerican lUit ano Dumoc 85 
 
 A man named Oats was hauled up recently for 
 beating his wife and children. On being sen- 
 tenced to imprisonment the brute remarked that 
 ii was very hard if a man was not allowed to 
 thrash his own oats. 
 
 " What a nuisance ! " exclaimed a gentleman 
 at a concert, as a young fop in front of him kept 
 talking in a loud voice to a lady at his side. 
 " Did you refer to me, sir ? " threateningly de- 
 manded the fop. "Oh, no; I meant the mu- 
 sicians there, who keep up such noise with their 
 instruments that I can't hear your conversa- 
 
 tion." 
 
 A lady who refused to give, after hearing a 
 charity sermon had her pocket picked as she was 
 leaving the church. On making the discovery 
 she said : " The parson could not find the way 
 to my pocket, but the devil did." 
 
 A clerk in a city book store, thinking to an- 
 noy a Quaker customer who looked as though 
 he was fresh from the country, handed him a 
 volume, saying : " Here is an excellent essay 
 on the rearing of calves." "Thee had better 
 present it to thy mother, young man," was the 
 spontaneous retort of the Quaker.
 
 86 American vtlit auD Humor 
 
 Irascible old party, "Conductor, why didn't 
 you wake me as I asked you?" Conductor, 
 " I did try, sir, but all I could get out of you 
 was, 'All right, Maria; get the children their 
 breakfast, and I'll be down in a minute.' " 
 
 Adolphus' courage was up. Falling on his 
 knees he cried: " Angeline, dearest, make me 
 the happiest of men by accepting my heart and 
 hand." Casting one look at the great paw, 
 Angeline thrilled in every fibre as she replied 
 sweetly: " Oh, Adolphus, this is more than I 
 expected." 
 
 A peddler called on aUniontown lady to dis- 
 pose of some goods, and inquired of her if she 
 could tell him of any road on which no peddler 
 had travelled. "Yes," replied she, "I know 
 of one and that is the road to heaven." 
 
 A bashful young man escorted an equally 
 bashful young lady. As they approached the 
 dwelling of the damsel, she said entreatingly, 
 " Zekill, don't tell anybody you beau'd me 
 home." "Sary," said he, emphatically, "don't 
 you mind, I am as much ashamed of it as you 
 are."
 
 Bmerican limit anO tmmor 87 
 
 Clough, in one of his recently published let- 
 ters, tells a story of an aged Calvanist woman, 
 who, being asked about the Universalists, said, 
 " Yes, they expect everybody will be saved but 
 we look for better things." 
 
 When the renowned Mrs. Siddons was playing 
 in Dublin, in the well-known tragedy of " Mac- 
 beth," she, as Lady Macbeth came to that part 
 where a drum sounds and she exclaims, "A 
 drum! a drum! Macbeth doth come." There 
 was some difficulty or neglect in obtaining the 
 necessary instruments, and to her amazement a 
 trumpet sounded. She immediately saw how 
 absurd it would be to say "drum" while the 
 well-known sound of the other met the ears of 
 the vast audience, and she said, " A trumpet ! 
 a trumpet ! " and stopped short amid breathless 
 silence, not knowing how to rhyme it, when a 
 voice from the gallery called out, "Macbeth 
 doth stump it ! " at which the house broke out 
 in one peal of laughter and applause, and the 
 tragedienne advanced to the foot-lights and 
 bowed her acknowledgments for the relief. She 
 afterward tried to find out who it was, but failed 
 to do so, and never forgot what she considered 
 the most genuine piece of wit she had ever met 
 with in all her experience.
 
 88 Bmertcan TWltt ano Kumor 
 
 Between new-made lovers: "Then, Adel- 
 githa, you will be mine? " " Yes, Ferdinand, 
 if pa is willing. I always do what he wants 
 me to." "But will he give his consent?" 
 "He will. Pa always does what I want 
 him to." 
 
 Whiskey is about the only enemy man has 
 succeeded in really loving. 
 
 A few days since a man convicted of drunken- 
 ness stood up before His Honor at the police 
 court, and His Honor said, in his slow, solemn 
 way : " I'll give you ten dollars or thirty days." 
 "Well, I'll take the ten dollars, squire," said 
 the fellow. 
 
 A man who don't know anything will tell you 
 it the first chance he gets. 
 
 "Who was the doubting disciple?" asked 
 the Sunday-schoolteacher. " Peter," promptly 
 replied the smart boy. "No, Thomas," said 
 the teacher. "Then what do people alway say 
 Petered out for ? " asked the smart bad boy. 
 
 A satirical innkeeper in Wytheville, Va., 
 advertises his house as the " only second-class 
 hotel in the world."
 
 Bmertcan unit ano "foumor 89 
 
 "I aim to tell the truth." "Yes," inter- 
 rupted an acquaintance, " and you are probably 
 the worst shot in America." 
 
 John Randolph met a personal enemy in the 
 street one day, who refused to give him half the 
 sidewalk, saying that he never turned out for a 
 rascal. "I do," said Randolph, stepping aside 
 and politely raising his hat, "pass on." 
 
 And Ananias stood forth. This is said to 
 have been so that some modern liars could stand 
 first, second and third. 
 
 " My dear Polly, I am surprised at your taste 
 in wearing another woman's hair on your head," 
 said Mr. Smith to his wife. "My dearest Joe, 
 I am equally astonished that you persist in wear- 
 ing another sheep's wool on your back." 
 
 "How sensibly your little boy talks!" ex- 
 claimed Mrs. Smith. "Yes," replied Mrs. 
 Brown; " he hasn't been among company yet." 
 
 The following correspondence explains itself: 
 "Dear Mrs. Jones, Please let me have a dozen 
 tomatoes if you can." Sallie Smith: "Dear 
 Mrs. Smith, We are not going to can ; we pro- 
 pose to pickle."
 
 do Bmerican TlUit ano Ibumor 
 
 The sweet singer of Michigan says, that, like 
 Bryant, she desires to die in June ; which, it 
 seems to us, is putting it off too long. 
 
 Professor, " What is a monarchy?" Fresh- 
 man, "A people governed by a king." Pro- 
 fessor, "Who would reign if the king should 
 die?" Freshman, "The queen." Professor, 
 " Ami if the queen should die?" Freshman, 
 "The jack." 
 
 The Louisville Courier-Journal says the 
 peculiarity of croquet is that no brains have 
 ever been knocked out in the game. 
 
 "Madam, don't you know that your baby 
 will catch its death of cold there? " " No, sir," 
 she responded. "Well, it's such carelessness 
 as that which fills our cemetery with little 
 graves," he continued. " While all the old 
 fools continue to live," she replied. 
 
 A clergyman in Iowa, a few days since, 
 warned his congregation against trying to hide 
 their souls behind a five-cent piece ! 
 
 So many murderers about to be hanged hope 
 to meet us all in heaven, that we have about 
 concluded to start for the other place.
 
 Bmedcan "Witt ano Ibumoc 91 
 
 A Chicago paper, referring to a new minister, 
 said : " His prayer was the most eloquent that 
 was ever addressed to a Chicago audience." 
 
 They were discussing an elopement, and one 
 lady turning to her friend said: "Don't you 
 believe it would kill you if your husband was to 
 run away with another woman ? " "It might," 
 was the cool reply. "Great joy sometimes 
 kills." 
 
 A woman is never thoroughly interested in a 
 newspaper article until she reaches the place 
 where the balance is torn off. 
 
 A lady much addicted to gadding was sud- 
 denly taken ill. She requested her husband to 
 run for a physician. The obedient spouse said : 
 " But where shall I find you when I get back 
 again? " 
 
 First lady, " Dear me, I never saw Mrs. 
 Potts look so pale." Second lady, "Nor I; 
 she's probably been out in the rain without an 
 umbrella." 
 
 A man in New York has a watch which he 
 claims has gained time enough to pay for itself 
 in six months.
 
 92 Smerlcan tUtt and Ibumor 
 
 When you hear a man say the world owes 
 him a living, don't leave any hams lying 
 around loose. 
 
 The small-minded swindler arrested for steal- 
 ing railroad passes deserves the severest con- 
 demnation. If he had simply stolen the railroad 
 itself he might have become an honored and re- 
 spected member of the Wall street board of 
 brokers. 
 
 To prevent his being rejected by another 
 woman a Michigander vaccinated himself with 
 a shot-gun. 
 
 A young man in western Illinois advertised 
 for a wife, his sister answered the "ad," and 
 now the young man thinks there is no balm in 
 advertisements, while the old folks think it's 
 pretty hard to have two fools in the family. 
 
 An observing writer says no true woman will 
 ever marry a man so tall that she cannot reach 
 his hair. 
 
 The gang of burglars who work for seven 
 straight hours to hammer a safe to pieces to 
 secure fourteen cents, know how a country min- 
 ister feels next day after a donation visit.
 
 Smerfcan limit ano Ibumor 93 
 
 Buzz-saw Item — Henry Stanaker, of Palestine, 
 Texas. In his life he was lovely, and in his 
 death he was divided. 
 
 A divine passing a fashionable church, on 
 which a new spire was being erected, was asked 
 how much higher it was to be: "Not much; 
 that congregation don't own very far in that 
 direction." 
 
 Unto the good little boy shall be given the 
 pic-nic ticket, but the wicked son shall recline 
 on his mother's knee. 
 
 It is to be hoped that Congress will soon see 
 the propriety of adjourning, to the end that the 
 telegraphic instruments needed for the transmis- 
 sion of baseball news may not be occupied by 
 Washington matters. 
 
 The editor of an Illinois paper says that he 
 does not depend upon journalism for his daily 
 bread, but raises hens. We wonder whose hens 
 he raises. 
 
 The bloodhound of the "Uncle Tom Cabin 
 Company," broke loose last week and killed the 
 donkey. The dog was rather mean to pick out 
 the best actor in the company.
 
 94 Bmerican IMtt anD Ibumor 
 
 When a young boy gets so he's ashamed to 
 sit on his mother's lap, look out for something. 
 He's probably in business for himself — holding 
 somebody else. 
 
 "That butter is all right," said a boarding- 
 house keeper. " It is firkin butter and tastes of 
 the wood a little. That's all." " If that is the 
 case," replied a boarder, who is a contractor, 
 " I should like to get some of that wood to make 
 railroad bridges out of." 
 
 A Philadelphia youth was recently married to 
 a girl who had refused him eighteen times. 
 He wishes now he hadn't asked her but seven- 
 teen. 
 
 Jay Gould, it is said, is looking for an illus- 
 tration for the tombstone to be erected upon 
 the new $40,000 plot at Woodlawn cemetery. 
 How would a shorn lamb do? It would be 
 kind of suggestive of life's work, and melan- 
 choly enough for a tombstone. 
 
 A paper speaking of a family who made a for- 
 tune out of whiskey, says: "They live on 
 Twenty-third street, in a perfect delirium- 
 tremens of splendor.'
 
 Rmcrfcan XUlt ano Ibumor 95 
 
 A Danbury man who bought a second-hand 
 bedstead at a net ion has sent it to Professor 
 Agassi/, the celebrated entomologist. 
 
 The manufacture of paper from wood has 
 reached the altitude of perfection in Canada. 
 The superintendent of a mill up there says : " A 
 tree is cut down and shoved in one end of the 
 mill, and five minutes later there is a neighbor 
 to borrow the newspaper." 
 
 A butcher recently found a shawl-pin in a 
 cow he was cutting up into steaks. It is sup- 
 posed the animal had swallowed a milkmaid. 
 
 "What is a yacht?" we inquired of a long, 
 gaunt coddler, who was lounging about the 
 wharf. "What's ayot?"said the fisherman. 
 "Well, you get any sort of craft you please, 
 and fill her up with liquor and seegyars and 
 get your friends on board and have a high old 
 time, and that's a yot ! " 
 
 Enthusiastic Pedestrian, "Am I traveling on 
 the right road for Stratford — Shakespeare's town, 
 you know? You've heard of him?" Intelli- 
 gent British Rustic, " Yees ; be you he ? "
 
 96 Bmerican Ulit and tmmoc 
 
 A young Vermonter offers his hand to a nice 
 little dairy-maid, saying, "If you don't choose 
 it, cheese it." She chose it. 
 
 A wag, the other day, asked his friend, 
 " How many knaves do you suppose live in this 
 street besides yourself?" "Besides myself!" 
 replied the other. " Do you mean to insult 
 me?" "Well, then," said the first, "how many 
 do you reckon including yourself?" 
 
 Adam had one consolation when he fell. 
 Fifteen or twenty acquaintances did not stand 
 on the opposite corner and laugh at his mishap. 
 
 A rural editor has lost faith in the luck of 
 horseshoes. He nailed one over his door re- 
 cently, and that morning there came by mail 
 three duns and seven stops, and a man called 
 with a revolver to ask, "Who wrote that 
 article?" 
 
 It is a solemn thing for a penniless young 
 man to lead a blushing bride up to the altar and 
 promise to endow her with all his worldly goods. 
 
 "How's your husband this evening, Mrs. 
 Quaggs ? " "No improvement, doctor, one way 
 or the other."
 
 American imtt ano Ibumor. 97 
 
 Mr. Moffatt of Ohio tried to melt a bullet out 
 of his gun. He succeeded. Aged sixty-two. 
 
 A little boy from New York went into the 
 country visiting. He had a bowl of bread and 
 milk. He tasted it, and then hesitated a mo- 
 ment, when his mother asked him if he didn't 
 like it, to which he replied, smacking his lips : 
 " Yes, ma, I was wishing our milkman would 
 keep a cow." 
 
 A Wisconsin book agent has been killed by 
 the kick of a horse — man's most faithful friend. 
 
 An unintelligent foreigner, who is quite un- 
 able to understand and appreciate American 
 manners, writes home that when a great man 
 dies in the United States, the first thing done is 
 to propose a fine statue in his honor; next, to 
 forget to order any statue, and last, to wonder 
 what became of the money. 
 
 It is better to be alone in the world than to 
 bring up a boy to play on' the accordeon. 
 
 Never insult a man because he is poor in 
 purse or raiment ; for beneath a ragged coat it 
 may be that a muscle lies concealed that could 
 put a head on the oldest man in the business.
 
 98 American TRIM ano toumor 
 
 A western editor speaks of a wind that just 
 sat on his hind legs and howled. 
 
 A Montana woman sued for divorce because 
 
 her husband kissed the servant girl. " You 
 
 i this man punished?" said the judge. "I 
 
 <io," said she. "Then I shall not divorce you 
 
 tioai him," said the judge. 
 
 Our west, when a lazy man is seen at work 
 they say he is meddling with industry. 
 
 A stranger with an impediment in his speech, 
 having closely examined our cemetery, anxiously 
 inquired of a friend, "Where do you b-b-ury 
 your s-s-s-sinners ? ' ' 
 
 A confectioner at the south end advertises 
 broken hearts for thirteen cents a pound. 
 
 A Poughkeepsie parent lately induced a 
 croupy youngster to make quite a hearty meal 
 of buckwheat cakes and maple syrup, but the 
 latter proved to be a nice syrup of squills. The 
 boy said he thought something ailed the mo- 
 lasses the very minute his father told him to eat 
 all he wanted to.
 
 Bmertcan WLit an£> Ibumor 99 
 
 An armless Milwaukee woman boxes her hus- 
 band's ears with her feet. 
 
 "If I ever used any unkind words, Hannah," 
 said Mr. Smiley, reflectively, "I take them all 
 back." "Yes, I suppose you want to use 
 them over again," was the not very soothing 
 reply. 
 
 A little girl suffering from the mumps de- 
 clared that she "felt as if a headache had 
 slipped down into her neck." 
 
 This is the sort of notice that an Oregon lec- 
 turer gets from his village newspaper : " Colonel 
 Jo. Meek has shouldered his jaw-bone, and will 
 tell the people more than they ever dreamt of 
 about mining." 
 
 Every married woman is personally acquainted 
 with a married man who will sit right alongside 
 of a stove and let the fire go out. 
 
 It is an actual fact, demonstrated beyond a 
 doubt, that the sound of a fiddle in the house 
 will drive rats away. You see the rats don't 
 own any property and can get away as well as 
 not.
 
 loo american l^ltt ano Ibumor 
 
 A Western paper announces the coming star 
 actor who will show our benighted citizens how 
 Shakespeare ought to be slung. 
 
 If a man doesn't know anything, and doesn't 
 even know that he doesn't know anything, he is 
 pretty sure to take upon himself the larger part 
 of the conversation. 
 
 It requires great moral strength and tenacity 
 of purpose to enable a man to sleep till seven in 
 the morning when an industrious fly has decided 
 that he had better get up at half- past four. 
 
 Post office clerks are said generally to express 
 a wish that persons who write the address of 
 their letters diagonally may die agonized. 
 
 A tramp called at a house on West Hill the 
 other day and asked for something to eat. He 
 was so thin, he said, that when he had a 
 pain he couldn't tell whether it was a touch of 
 the colic, or the backache. 
 
 A New Haven man says, the longest 
 funeral he ever heard of took place a week 
 ago. His hired girl went off to it and hasn't 
 got back yet.
 
 Bmerican IMit and Ibumor 101 
 
 An amorous swain declares that he is so fond 
 of his girl, that he has rubbed the skin from his 
 nose kissing her shadow on the wall. 
 
 A scientist says angle-worms do not suffer 
 when put on the hook. They wriggle around 
 out of pure joy, we suppose, the same as a man 
 does when a gooddooking woman steps on his 
 corns. 
 
 A gentleman dining at a cheap restaurant the 
 other day was heard to give the courageous 
 order : " Waiter, let the cheese move this way." 
 
 When an Indiana girl gets tired of a lover 
 and determines to dismiss him, she doesn't 
 throw much fresco work into her speech: "I 
 guess you can pull off now, Sam," is her icy re- 
 mark ; " this egg won't hatch." 
 
 A countryman in a short discourse on love 
 says : "It does 'pear like the girls go half way, 
 but it 'pears like a team of oxen couldn't draw 
 'em t'other half." 
 
 A man will sit on a picket fence all the after- 
 noon to see a ball match, but put him in a 
 church pew for three-quarters of an hour and he 
 will wabble all over the seat.
 
 L02 American XUit ant> f)umor 
 
 A Chicago man's nightmare turned out to be 
 the shadow of his wife's foot on the bedroom 
 wall, instead of an unearthly monster with five 
 
 horns. 
 
 A competent authority says you must always 
 lie with your feet to the equator. We have 
 known several excellent liars who have short- 
 ened their lives many years by neglecting to 
 observe this rule. 
 
 A Boston man has listened to fifty-one Fourth 
 of July orations. He can still sit up by leaning 
 against something, but he is delirious at times. 
 
 Salt Lake has been victimized by a showman, 
 who announced that he would cause a human 
 body to appear and disappear before the audi- 
 ence. He appeared, got their money and dis- 
 appeared. — He filled the programme. 
 
 While putting on a clean shirt a Hartwell, 
 Ga., man fell over a trunk and broke has collar- 
 bone. But he says, he's going to try it again 
 when he gets well. 
 
 A Kentucky paper speaks of a man who had 
 a narrow escape from a sun stroke, he having 
 stood only two feet from a man who was struck.
 
 Hmcrican 111 it anO Ibumor 103 
 
 A Yankee was asked if he crossed the Alps 
 mountains. "Wal, now you call my attention 
 to the fact, I guess I did pass over some risin' 
 ground." 
 
 Philip E. Martin, who recently died in Sher- 
 man, was a man of marked purity and upright- 
 ness. With a single exception of twenty-three 
 years ago, when he took a few lessons on a 
 violin, his life has been blameless. 
 
 Who hath woe — who hath sorrow ? Well, 
 that Nevada man who traded a mule for a wife 
 feels about as red around the eye as any of 'em. 
 
 "Did you ever think of me while you were 
 gone?" tenderly asked a woman of her hus- 
 band, who had just returned from Florida. He 
 said he did — once. It was when he saw an 
 alligator's jaw. 
 
 A woman in Columbia, Pa., dislocated her 
 jaw while scolding her husband, and could 
 neither speak nor close her mouth. He has not 
 walked so slowly in ten years as he did while 
 going after the doctor.
 
 104 Bmerlcan Wit anJ> Ibumor 
 
 The following from an exchange just fils the 
 groove: Don't loaf about the street and depend 
 on the Lord for your daily bread. He isn't 
 running a bakery. 
 
 We have been often told that there was a 
 future in store for us, but we have never found 
 the store where it was kept. It must be one of 
 those establishments that do not advertise. 
 
 The editor of the Duluth Herald publishes a 
 proclamation saying, " We shall jerk a living 
 out of this city during the coming winter, or we 
 are much mistaken." 
 
 "Do you love me still?" Mrs. Harkins 
 asked, as her husband was trying to write an 
 important letter. "Yes, I do," said Harkins; 
 and it was the emphasis that broke her heart. 
 
 A man was boasting that he had been married 
 twenty years and have never given his wife a 
 cross word. Those who know him say he didn't 
 dare to. 
 
 A Danbury man, who was trying to shelter 
 himself in a doorway from the rain on Sunday, 
 had the mournful pleasure of seeing five of his 
 umbrellas go by.
 
 Bmetican "Wait ano Ibumoc 105 
 
 "Lemme die now," gasped an Ohio farmer. 
 "I've lived to see a woman git thirty-one yards 
 of cloth into one dress, and I'm ready to pull up 
 stakes now." 
 
 The census shows that the number of persons 
 in a family in the United States is a small 
 fraction over five. In some families we know, 
 the husband is the small fraction over. 
 
 Mr. Edgar Bascom was taken to the insane 
 asylum at Hartford this morning — just three 
 months from the day his son Joseph purchased a 
 fiddle. 
 
 Six days of the week he's invisible, and on the 
 seventh he's incomprehensible, was the account 
 which a dissatisfied old lady gave of her pastor 
 and his ministrations. 
 
 A man from Placerville, Cal., when asked by 
 a Saratoga waiter what he would have for break- 
 fast, replied : " Well, I rather guess I'll just flop 
 my lip over a chicken." 
 
 They tried to scare a man in Missouri by 
 threatening to tar and feather him ; but he re- 
 plied : " Come on with your old tar ; I've been 
 there six times and I've got a receipt for wash- 
 ing it off."
 
 106 Smerican XUit ano Ibumor 
 
 A citizen of Detroit, who has been exploring 
 in the northern part of the State, says he never 
 realized how wicked he was until he was chased 
 three miles by a bear. 
 
 Said a Detroit lady to a gentleman of that 
 city: "You are not a musician, I believe?" 
 " No," said he. " If I were the proprietor of a 
 hand organ, set expressly to play Old Hundred, 
 1 couldn't get seventy-five out of it." 
 
 If you want to find out a man's real dispo- 
 sition, take him when he is wet and hungry. 
 If he is amiable then, dry him and fill him up, 
 and you have got an angel. 
 
 An Albany man who was demonstrating to a 
 crowd that there was no such thing as hydro- 
 phobia was the first to shin up a barber's pole 
 when a small yellow dog came rushing up the 
 street. 
 
 A lodging-house fiend tells the story that, in 
 a thunderstorm, the warring of the elements 
 was so awe-inspiring that the hair in a dish of 
 butter in the pantry turned completely white 
 during the night.
 
 Bmerican "Ulltt ano Ibiniioc 107 
 
 An exchange says that a Michigan man 
 dreamed recently that his aunt was dead. The 
 dream proved true. He tried the same dream 
 on his mother-in-law, but it didn't work. 
 
 A man whose eyesight was not good was rec- 
 ommended to try glasses. He says he went 
 and took four at the nearest drinking saloon, 
 and the result was that his sight was so much 
 improved that he could see double. 
 
 Science says that it took millions of years to 
 evolve man from the clam ; observation shows 
 that it takes less than a minute to transfer the 
 clam into a man. 
 
 A candidate for a situation as school-teacher 
 in Florida, being asked the shape of the earth, 
 replied: "Well, some folks likes it round and 
 some likes it flat, and I've jinnerly teached it 
 both ways." 
 
 A Lowell firm recently sent a lot of bills west 
 for collection. The list came back with the re- 
 sult noted against each name, one being marked 
 "dead." Three months after the same bill got 
 into a new lot that was forwarded, and when 
 the list came back the name was marked "still 
 dead."
 
 108 Bmerican Taait anD Humor 
 
 The Utica Herald says it is some consolation 
 to see a bald-headed insurance man. You 
 don't know that justice has been dealt out to 
 him, but you think perhaps it has. 
 
 " You have a pleasant home and a bright 
 fireside, with happy children sitting around it, 
 haven't you?" said the .judge. "Yes, sir," 
 said Mr. Thompson, who thought he saw a way 
 out of the difficulty. "Well," said the judge, 
 " if the happy children sit around the cheerful 
 fireside until you return, they will stay there 
 just forty-three days, as I shall have to send you 
 up for that time." 
 
 A Chicago woman dipped her feet in the 
 Mississippi river at St. Louis, the other day and 
 the effect was noticed as far as Memphis, where 
 the water rose several inches. 
 
 " I don't blame Paul," she said. " If I was 
 a man, I'd want women to be meek and quiet 
 and let me have my own way ; and if I was a 
 'postle I'd tell 'em they'd be everlastingly lost 
 if they didn't. But, sir, women see things 
 different; and I sha'n't support Jim Parker or 
 any other lazy man, and be meek and obedient, 
 Paul or no Paul."
 
 amertcan "Wait anD Ibumor 109 
 
 Professor, "In one evening I counted twenty- 
 seven meteors sitting on my piazza." Class ex- 
 press great astonishment at the sociable character 
 of the heavenly bodies. 
 
 How is this? Professor J. S. Newberry 
 charges a dollar admission to a lecture in which 
 he says he don't know where men came from. 
 Colonel Ingersoll, on the other hand, charges 
 seventy-five cents admission to a lecture in 
 which he tells us he don't know where we are 
 going to. Will some savant have the kindness 
 to tell us where we are? 
 
 A Colorado woman has learned to use the 
 lasso so deftly that she can stand in the door and 
 haul the hat off the lightning-rod peddler while 
 he is unfastening the gate. 
 
 Mary Hogan was a Shakeress ; but she didn't 
 like the ways of those too retiring people, so 
 she eloped with and married Brother Jackson. 
 When interviewed by some of the scandalized 
 brethren, Mary is reported to have said : " You 
 can make your apple sass and warrant it to 
 keep; but gals ain't apples, and you can't bile 
 'em down so they won't sour on your old rules 
 about marrying."
 
 no Bmerfcan Timit anfr Ibumor 
 
 Rector, "Those pigs of yours are in fine 
 condition, Jarvis." Jarvis, "Yes, sur they be. 
 All, sur, if we was all on us on'y as fit to die as 
 them are, we'd do ! " 
 
 A woman out on North hill, being counted 
 out the other morning, after a debate on the 
 question, " Who shall rise and build the fire ? " 
 got up and split her husband's wooden leg into 
 kindling wood, and broiled his steak with it. It 
 made him so mad that he got hold of her false 
 teeth and bit the dog with them. She cried 
 until she had a fit of hysterics, and then fillipped 
 out his glass eye, and climbed upon the bed post 
 and waxed the glaring eye to the ceiling with a 
 quid of chewing gum. Then he took her wisp 
 of false hair and tied it to a stick, and began 
 whitewashing the kitchen with it. Then she 
 started off to obtain a divorce, but Judge New- 
 man decided that he could not grant a divorce 
 unless there were two parties to the suit, and 
 there was hardly enough of them to make one. 
 
 An exchange says fashionable people are call- 
 ing upon somebody to invent a new dance. Sup- 
 pose somebody invents one wherein the young 
 lady dances around the house and looks after 
 things.
 
 Bmcrican Ultt anc Ibumor ill 
 
 Just as an auctioneer was saying "Gone?" 
 his audience went through the floor into the 
 r, but happily without hurting any of them. 
 The auctioneer, as soon as he found his legs, 
 remarked that the accident would enable him to 
 sell lower than before, and called for a bid, and 
 they bid him "Good-night." 
 
 The Cleveland police picked up a man a day 
 or two ago in the streets who appeared to be 
 laboring under great mental disease, but on ap- 
 plying soothing remedies he came to himself 
 and explained matters. The Ledger says, " that 
 when he left his happy home in the morning his 
 wife kissed him good-bye, as is her custom when 
 she wants any errand performed, and then asked 
 him to go to the dressmaker and tell her that she 
 (the wife) had changed her mind, and would 
 have the watered silk made up instead of the 
 poplin, and be sure to tell her, said the wife, 
 that if she thinks it would look better with ten 
 bias flounces without puffing, and box-plaited 
 below the equator, which should be gathered in 
 hem-stitched gudgeons up and down the seams 
 with gusset stitch between, she can make it up 
 in that way, instead of fluting the bobinette in- 
 sertion, and piecing out with point applique, as 
 I suggested yesterday."
 
 112 Bmertcan TlUtt anfc Ibumor 
 
 A fond husband boasted to a friend : " Tom, 
 the old woman came near calling me honey last 
 night." "Did she, Bill ; what did she say?" 
 "She said, 'Well, old Beeswax, come to sup- 
 per.'" 
 
 Jones says the white flannel suit he bought a 
 year ago has proven a very economical invest- 
 ment, and has been of much use in his family. 
 Jones weighs two hundred and fifty pounds, and 
 when he bought the suit it fitted him remarkably 
 well. After the first washing his eldest son, who 
 weighs one hundred pounds less than Jones 
 senior, found the suit an excellent fit. Two 
 washings more made the garment delightful for 
 a youth of nine, and at the end of the season the 
 baby was adorned with the habiliments which 
 shrunk just enough to make them fit for a child 
 out of creeping clothes. This year Jones' wife 
 uses them as a dish cloth. Where all the flannel 
 has shrunk to Jones doesn't see, and says he 
 would willingly take his whole family and his 
 mother-in-law to a lecture which would explain 
 it, and pay double price. 
 
 The Boston Post, in noting the fact that a 
 fellow who committed suicide in the New York 
 Tombs could speak six dead languages, says, 
 " He ought to make a sociable corpse."
 
 American limit anD Ibumor 113 
 
 An Iowa journal speaks of a man having 
 been lynched for burning the barn and contents 
 of his son-in-law. Any man who will burn the 
 contents of his son-in-law ought to be lynched. 
 
 This may seem a work of supererogation, here- 
 marked, as he went down to the front gale, and 
 commenced operations on the hinges with a 
 feather and a bottle of oil. But the critical 
 period is approaching when a young man has to 
 be handled very delicately, and just the least 
 little bit of a set back may throw things. The 
 smallest creak might be disastrous ; and this 
 gate's got to stand for two more besides Imogene. 
 
 Photographer, " Madam, why do you persist 
 in moving so near the camera?" Old Lady, 
 "You see, I'm a little near-sighted, and I'm 
 afeared I won't take a good picter so far off." 
 
 A correspondent asks: "What is the best 
 method of feeding cattle in winter?" We 
 don't exactly know. One man might prefer to 
 take the ox in his lap and feed him with a 
 spoon. Others would bring him into the din- 
 ing room and let him sit at the table with the 
 old folks. Tastes differ in matters of this kind.
 
 114 Bmcrican liUit ani> Ibumot 
 
 The Oil City Derrick suggests : When you 
 see a bee backing up toward you, spreading his 
 coat-tail as he comes, and there is no other ave- 
 nue of escape, cut your throat from ear to ear. 
 
 A man took a seat on the head of an empty 
 flour barrel and remarked : "I got down the 
 gun and loaded her up heavy, and just as I 
 
 was " At this point the head fell in and 
 
 the man, or about half of him, disappeared, 
 while his legs loomed up like a schooner's masts. 
 He was helped out, and a boy hired to rub 
 sweet oil on his back, but in spite of the earnest 
 entreaties of the crowd he would not go on with 
 the story. 
 
 The humblest can do something toward mak- 
 ing the local paper interesting. If you can't be 
 a defaulting bank clerk you can at least step on 
 an orange peel and sprain your ear. 
 
 A new biographer of Artemus Ward says the 
 genial humorist usually wrote with one leg over 
 the arm of his chair. We had always supposed 
 he wrote with a pen or a pencil ; but to write 
 with one leg over the arm of a chair is not so 
 difficult as to write with one arm over the leg 
 of a chair.
 
 Bmcrican tutt anD Ibumor nr> 
 
 Every once in a while some scientist rises and 
 says the moon is dead. This scientific fact is 
 what makes young lovers linger at the gate and 
 look up at the corpse. 
 
 When a Boston girl " sets " at her husband, she 
 says, " Base tyrant, I shall leave thee, and f — ly 
 to my parental home ! " When a Chicago girl 
 becomes similarly affected, she simply remarks, 
 " Old man, I'm going to get away ; and if you 
 don't like it, just climb up on your eyebrows and 
 see if you can stop me ! " 
 
 A San Juan miner, who had been prospecting 
 in southwestern Colorado has found a whole 
 forest of petrified trees with petrified birds sit- 
 ting on the limbs singing petrified songs. 
 
 A philosophical Kentuckian who had but one 
 shirt, and was lying in bed while the garment 
 was drying on the clothesline in the yard, was 
 startled by an exclamation from his wife to the 
 effect that the calf had eaten it. " Well," said 
 the Kentuckian, with a spirit worthy of a better 
 cause, "well, them who has must lose." 
 
 A Quaker's advice to his son on his wedding 
 day: " When thee went a courting I told thee 
 to keep thy eyes open ; now that thou art mar- 
 ried, I tell thee to keep them half shut."
 
 116 Bmerican Wit ano Ibumor 
 
 "What is the difference," asked the teacher 
 in arithmetic, "between one yard and two 
 yards?" "A fence!" said Tommy Beales. 
 Then Tommy sat on the ruler fourteen times. 
 
 Everybody thought it was a match and so did 
 he, and so did she ; but last evening, at a croquet 
 party, she hit her pet corn a whack with the 
 mallet that sounded like a torpedo and he 
 laughed. "We meet as strangers," she wrote 
 on her cuff and showed it to him. " Think of 
 me no more," he whispered huskily. 
 
 A Folsom, Cal., hog drank so much sour 
 lager, thrown out of a brewery the other day, 
 that it became thoroughly drunk, and behaved 
 in a most discreditable manner for a hog. 
 
 People are unnecessarily troubled about the 
 ice crop. A man on Friday saw a bit of ice on 
 the flagging and at once sat down on it so hard 
 as to settle it into the stone nearly an inch. He 
 says he wanted to make sure of knowing where 
 to find it next summer. 
 
 "Yes," said she, "a dish of ice cream re- 
 laxes the muscles of my heart, but two dishes — 
 oh, two dishes ! makes me feel as though I could 
 love on and on, forever."
 
 Smertcan "Wait ano Ibumor 117 
 
 Don't neglect your penmanship. A man in 
 New York got $64,009 from a banker for being 
 a good writer. It is not yet known how many 
 years he will get. 
 
 A Kansas farmer purchased a revolver for his 
 wife, and insisted on target practice, so that she 
 could defend her house in case of his absence. 
 After the bullet had been dug out of his leg and 
 the cow buried, he said he guessed that she'd 
 better shoot with an axe. 
 
 All hairpins look alike to men, but let a wife 
 go off on a visit and come home and find a hair- 
 pin near the gate, and she can't wait a minute 
 to grow red in the face. 
 
 An inebriate stranger precipitated himself 
 downstairs, and on striking the landing re- 
 proachfully apostrophized himself with: "If 
 you'd been a-wanting to come downstairs, why 
 in thunder didn't you say so, you wooden- 
 headed old fool, an' I'd a come with you, an' 
 showed you the way ? " 
 
 A western poet who had expressed a wish to 
 die amid the grand solitude of the eternal 
 mountain-tops, was killed by the explosion of a 
 pint of cheap kerosene.
 
 lis Bmerican TClit ano Tbumor 
 
 A farmer gives this bit of advice, which con- 
 tains a good hint: "If you want the boys to 
 stay on the farm, do not bear on too hard when 
 the boy is turning the grindstone." 
 
 A kind-hearted clergyman asked a convict 
 how he came to be in jail. The fellow said, 
 with tears in his eyes, that he was coming home 
 from prayer-meeting, and sat down to rest, fell 
 asleep, and while he was asleep there the county 
 built a jail around him, and when he awoke the 
 jailer wouldn't let him out. 
 
 A man in Sacramento read on a sign, "Oysters 
 in every style for twenty-five cents," so he went 
 in and had a raw, fry, stew, pan roast and fancy 
 roast, and when he got through he put down a 
 quarter, saying to the astonished caterer, 
 " That's what your sign says." 
 
 Some wicked fellow got into a Vermont 
 church vestry just after the deacons and the 
 clergymen had held a meeting there. And he 
 left four beer bottles and a whiskey flask, all 
 empty, and two packs of cards under the table. 
 And when the sewing society came an hour later 
 and discovered the articles, didn't things just 
 hum ?
 
 amecican llllit an& Ibumor no 
 
 An Indiana man bet ten dollars that he could 
 vide a fly-wheel in a saw mill, and as his widow 
 paid the bet, she remarked: "William was a 
 
 kind husband, but he didn't know much about 
 fly-wheels." 
 
 An excellent man, uptown, who rebuked a 
 youthful friend for devoting too much of his life 
 to horses, was so overcome when the other re- 
 plied that life was but a span, that he was 
 obliged to go home and lie down and take a 
 little rhubarb out of a decanter. 
 
 A woman is imbued with a feeling of joy and 
 kindness second only to that of the angels, but 
 she can never wash out a pair of men's cassi- 
 mere pants and have them set as well as they 
 did before — nor behind either. 
 
 The religious papers are discussing the mo- 
 notonous question, Ought clergymen to wear 
 moustaches? We think, as cold weather comes 
 on. they should, and on days of extreme 
 severity they might add a pair of trousers and a 
 thick vest. 
 
 About the first bit of Scripture a boy gets 
 knocked into him is when he is barefooted and 
 steps on a bee. Then he realizes that there is a 
 time to dance.
 
 120 american TKflit anD Ibumot 
 
 Smith (after telling a whopper): "1 assure 
 you, Jones, if I hadn't seen it myself I wouldn't 
 have believed it." Jones, "Ha — h'm — well, 
 you know, I didn't see it." 
 
 An old farmer said to his sons : " Boys don't 
 you ever wait for summit to turn up. You 
 might just as well go an' sit down on a stone in 
 the middle of a medder, with a pail atwixt your 
 legs, an' wait for a cow to back up to you to be 
 milked." 
 
 Some schoolgirls in Pennsylvania were at- 
 tacked by rattlesnakes and frightened them away 
 by flaunting their red petticoats. " Dear, dear ! 
 why didn't Eve think of that ? " 
 
 A spread-eagle orator of New York wanted 
 the wings of a bird to fly to every village and 
 hamlet in the broad land ; but he wilted when a 
 naughty boy in the crowd sang out, " You'd be 
 shot for a goose before you had flew a mile." 
 
 Men differ. For instance, there is the same 
 difference between Jay Gould and some other 
 men we know of that there is between $15,000,- 
 000 and fifteen cents. One of whom we are 
 which.
 
 Hmertcan Mit ano fntmor 121 
 
 A country doctor has had his portrait painted, 
 and a local art-critic declares that you can feel 
 saws and things rasping over your bones, and 
 taste calomel, blue-pill, and quinine, as you 
 look at it. 
 
 A barber in Titusville, while cutting the hair 
 of a rural customer, ran his shears against some 
 hard substance, which proved to be a whetstone. 
 The old farmer said he had missed that whet- 
 stone ever since haying time last July, and had 
 looked all over a ten acre lot for it, but now re- 
 membered sticking it up over his ear. 
 
 An exchange puts a solemn truth in a novel 
 and pungent way when it says that "some men 
 wear their best pants out in the knees in winter 
 getting religious, and the seats of their trousers 
 
 out in summer backsliding." 
 
 The real good, rich-toned pianos are scarcely 
 ever heard ; but the moment that a family be- 
 comes the possessor of a slam-whanger that 
 sounds like a combination of a pair of cymbals 
 and a crowbar falling on a brick pavement, 
 every member of that family wastes its super- 
 fluous muscle on the key-board.
 
 122 Bmecican llltt ano jHumor 
 
 A Roman who recently returned from Phila- 
 delphia, informs us that a Keely motor consists 
 of a pound of boarding-house butter shut up in 
 an iron box. This statement will do much to 
 restore confidence in the power of the motor. 
 
 A New York farmer laughed when his prudent 
 wife advised him not to smoke on a load of hay. 
 He footed it home that night, with his hair 
 singed, most of his garments a prey to the de- 
 vouring elements, and the iron-work of the 
 wagon in a potato sack; and then his wife 
 laughed. 
 
 A party of young girls were driving away on 
 an expedition for trailing arbutus, when the lady 
 of the house shouted to her daughter in the 
 party, " If you see any hoss redish on the 
 way, Mirandy, don't you forget to git it." 
 
 A woman bought eleven yards of cloth and 
 paid for it with butter, giving three pounds of 
 butter for a yard. There was a stone weighing 
 five pounds in the center of the crock, and the 
 dealer cheated her a yard and a half in measur- 
 ing the cloth. Who was ahead on that trade 
 and how much ?
 
 Bmcrfcan VCiit ano Ibumor 123 
 
 An exchange says the Sandwich Islanders be- 
 lieve that Beelzebub walks the earth in the form 
 of a woman. And now and then you will find 
 a man in this country who believes so too, and 
 that he has married the woman. 
 
 A man in Covington, Ky., made a bet the 
 other day that he could drink a pint and a half 
 of Cincinnati whiskey in twelve hours. He 
 won the bet and his widow remarked at the 
 funeral next day that it was the first money he 
 had earned by hard labor in ten years. 
 
 We like to see a man reasonably quiet and 
 peaceable, but when he stands in one place long 
 enough for the wasps to build a nest in the seat 
 of his pants, he ought to be kicked into some 
 sort of resistance. 
 
 A Western man set fire to the prairie for fun, 
 but after he had run seven miles and climbed a 
 tree, with his pants about all burned off, he con- 
 cluded the sport was a little too violent exercise 
 to be indulged in oftener than once in a life- 
 time. 
 
 "No," said the prominent member of a Ver- 
 mont parish, " Jackson will never do for deacon. 
 He hain't got the qualifications. Why, durnit, 
 I've cheated him on a horse-trade myself."
 
 124 American TKJlit ano ibumor 
 
 An eccentric old fellow, who lives alongside 
 of a graveyard, was asked if it was not an un- 
 pleasant location. "No," said he, "I never 
 jined places in all my life with a set of neigh- 
 bors that minded their business so stiddy as they 
 do." 
 
 An idle fellow thrust his fingers into a horse's 
 mouth to see how many teeth the horse had, the 
 horse shut his teeth to see how many fingers the 
 man had, and although the horse and man ex- 
 hibited equally poor taste yet it is hoped that 
 the inspection was satisfactory to both. 
 
 A couple of neighbors became so inimical that 
 they would not speak to each other ; but one of 
 them having been converted at a camp meeting, 
 on seeing his former enemy, held out his hand, 
 saying : " How d'ye do, Kemp? I am humble 
 enough to shake hands with a dog." 
 
 A lamented citizen in Montana, whose passion 
 for horses led him out to the end of a convenient 
 bough, and whose ultimate views of life were 
 taken through a slip-noose, declared it to be his 
 conviction (which was unanimous) that this 
 world is all a hemp-tie show.
 
 Bmetican Witt ano Ibumor 125 
 
 Two men escaped from the Pittsburg jail the 
 other night, after digging six months to make a 
 tunnel one hundred feet long. They left a note 
 telling the sheriff they would meet him in 
 heaven. 
 
 A Waterbury woman who weighed something 
 over three hundred pounds got some anti at 
 and took double doses of it, until the first thing 
 she knew her skin was so loose that her nose 
 hung off the end of her chin and her eyes were 
 at each corner of her mouth. 
 
 A blind beggar at East Saginaw, Mich., had 
 his eyesight restored rather suddenly by being 
 pitched into a mud-puddle, and it had none of 
 the properties of the Pool of Siloam, either. 
 He showed his ingratitude by chasing the man 
 who did it. 
 
 A man from Honey Lake saw a railroad train 
 for the first time in his life, the oiler day, at 
 Reno. In speaking of the wonder to a friend, 
 he said : " The forward thing gin a couple of 
 coughs, and then the whole string of 'em got up 
 and started right off."
 
 126 Bmerican "Unit ano Humor 
 
 A fop while being measured for a pair of 
 boots, observed, "make them cover the calf." 
 "Heavens!" exclaimed the astounded artist, 
 surveying his customer from head to foot, "I 
 have not leather enough." 
 
 "Does it pay to steal?" asks the Philadel- 
 phia Times. It does, esteemed contemporary, 
 it does. It doesn't pay the thief, but just think 
 of the large number of criminal lawyers to whom 
 it furnishes a fat living. 
 
 A clairvoyant trio, two women and a man, 
 have been traveling in the south, pretending to 
 cure epizootic by the laying on of hands. They 
 practiced on a mule in Kentucky the other day, 
 and the firm has since dissolved. 
 
 A druggist of Bellows Falls, has been sent to 
 prison for sixty days, "for selling liquor as a 
 beverage." Wonder what they would have 
 done with him if he had sold it as a liver pad or 
 as wash for removing freckles. 
 
 A New Jersey farmer set an old straw stack on 
 fire to scare out a fox, and three tramps crawled 
 out of the smoke and upbraided him with his 
 carelessness in not first jabbing around with a 
 pitchfork to see if any one was there.
 
 Bmertcan Ulit ano Ibumor 127 
 
 "Well, I swan, Billy," said an old farmer to 
 an undersized nephew who was visiting him, 
 " when you take off that 'ere plug hat and spit 
 two or three times there ain't much left of you, 
 is ther?" 
 
 A good brother in a church of Miami County, 
 O., while giving in his experience not long ago 
 said: "My brethren, I've been tryin' this nigh 
 on to forty years to serve the Lord and get rich 
 both at once, and I tell yer it's mighty hard 
 sleddin'." 
 
 A girl who formerly lived in St. Louis, writes 
 from Colorado to an old friend : " This is the, 
 handsomest 200 acres I ever put my foot down ^ 
 on." Her father ought to get 100 acres more 
 and have a lawn around her foot. 
 
 M 
 
 The Waterbury American says a parent in 
 that city thinks he will have his newborn 
 daughter christened Glycerine. He says it will 
 be easy to prefix Nitro to it when she grows up, 
 if she takes after her mother.
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 Conundrums 
 
 " A man that would make so vile a pun would not 
 scruple to pick a pocket." 
 
 Hobson's choice — Mrs. H. 
 
 Why is coal the most contradictory article 
 known to commerce ? Because, when purchased 
 it goes to the cellar. 
 
 The first game of life — Bawl. 
 
 Why should the last boy born to a family be 
 named Doxology ? Because he's the last of the 
 hims. 
 
 What is slosh ? — It's snow matter. 
 
 Speaking of becoming attire, what thing is 
 most likely to become a woman ? Why, a little 
 girl, of course. 
 
 The most useful thing in the long fun — 
 Breath. 
 
 128
 
 Bmertcan "Wait anfr Ibumoc 129 
 
 The best life policy — Keep out of debt. 
 
 What is the difference between a cloud and a 
 beaten child ? One pours with rain and the 
 other roars with pain. 
 
 The man who works with a will — The probate 
 judge. 
 
 What is the difference between seventeen and 
 seventy ? One is careless and happy, the other 
 hairless and cappy. 
 
 A tea never indulged in by the gossips- 
 Charity. 
 
 "Why is a young man like a kernel of 
 corn?" asked a young lady. "Because," 
 answered another, " he turns white when he 
 pops." 
 
 What nation produces the most marriages? 
 Fasci-nation. 
 
 To make a little boy's trousers last. When 
 you make a suit of clothes for him, finish the 
 coat first, and by so doing you make the . 
 trousers last. It is the only way the thing can 
 be done.
 
 130 Bmerlcan TlWit ano Ibumor 
 
 Epitaph for a gambler — Waiting for the last 
 trump. 
 
 What is the difference between a Jew and a 
 lawyer ? The one gets his law from the prophets, 
 the other his profits from the law. 
 
 The paper having the largest circulation — The 
 paper of tobacco. 
 
 Why do so many men make a practice of eat- 
 ing cloves between the acts of the opera ? So 
 that no breath of suspicion may be cast upon 
 their conduct. 
 
 What is the form of an escaped parrot ? A 
 polly-gone. 
 
 If a young lady wishes a young gentleman to 
 kiss her, what papers would she mention ? No 
 Spectator, no Observer, but as many Times as 
 you please. 
 
 What the girls say — A thing of beauty is a 
 boy forever. 
 
 A young lady sends in this : How to pre- 
 vent chappy cheeks ? Have nothing to do with 
 cheeky chaps.
 
 Bmertcan "WUlt ano Ibumoc 131 
 
 Who is the greatest liar ? He who speaks 
 most of himself. 
 
 Why is a man who lets houses likely to 
 have a good many cousins? Because he has 
 ten ants. 
 
 What holds all the snuff in the world ? No 
 one nose. 
 
 Are your words of more weight when you 
 pro-pound anything than when you ann- 
 ounce it ? 
 
 Why is a lame dog like an inclined plane ? 
 Because he's a slo-pup. 
 
 To what port is a man sailing when he is like 
 an importunate lover? When he is bound to 
 Havre. 
 
 What is that a poor man has and a rich man 
 
 wants? Nothing. 
 
 One of the best puns ever made by the late 
 Phoebe Cary was this : Why was Robinson 
 Crusoe's man Friday like a rooster? Because 
 he scratched for himself and Crusoe.
 
 132 American Ulit ano fbumor 
 
 The vegetable that young ladies love is to- 
 mate-oh. 
 
 Why are washermen the silliest of people? 
 Because they put out their tubs to catch soft 
 water when it rains hard. 
 
 Where may everlasting spring be found ? In 
 an India rubber factory. 
 
 Why is a room full of married people 
 empty? Because there is not a single person 
 in it. 
 
 The proper place for proof-readers — The house 
 of correction. 
 
 When do young folks grow the most ? When 
 they are in love ; it increases their sighs wonder- 
 fully. 
 
 To make a tall man short — Try to borrow 
 five dollars of him. 
 
 " Who is the handsomest person in the car ? " 
 said Smith to Jones. "Why, the one who is 
 passing fare," said Jones. The car was im- 
 mediately stopped, and Jones was hung by the 
 roadside.
 
 Smerfcan TMltt an& Ibumor 133 
 
 When a lady faints, what figure does she 
 need? You must bring her 2. 
 
 Why are some people like eggs ? Because 
 they are too full of themselves to hold anything 
 else. 
 
 Where did Noah preserve the bees during the 
 flood ? In the ark-hives. 
 
 Why is every Boston boy sure to make a 
 noise in the world ? Because he is a little Hub 
 bub in himself. 
 
 A tie vote — When both parties vote yes, and 
 the preacher ties the knot. 
 
 When does rain become too familiar with a 
 lady? When it begins to patter on her back. 
 
 If a lady in a red cloak were to cross a field 
 in which was a goat, what wonderful transfor- 
 mation would probably take place? The goat 
 would turn to butter and the lady into a scarlet 
 runner. 
 
 If a toper and a quart of whiskey were left 
 together, which would be drunk first ?
 
 134 Bmerican imtt and Ibumor 
 
 Why is a man sick a bed never round shoul- 
 dered ? Because he is fiat on his back. 
 
 When is a ship like a scarfpin ? When it is 
 on the bosom of a heavy swell. 
 
 What trees are those which, when burned up- 
 are exactly what they were before ? Ashes. 
 
 What time is it when the clock strikes 
 thirteen ? Time the clock was repaired. 
 
 Why is the judge's nose like the middle of the 
 earth ? Because it's the scenter of gravity. 
 
 We are asked, in a long communication, "if 
 tight lacing is injurious ? " Of corset is. 
 
 What sort of essence does a young man like 
 when he pops the question ? Acquiescence. 
 
 What is the difference between the North and 
 South Pole ? All the difference in the world. 
 
 What house pet is it that is so generally ad- 
 mired, sought after, and valued yet more 
 abused, trampled upon, kicked about, looked 
 down upon and whipped more than any other ? 
 A carpet.
 
 american TiUtt ano t>umor 135 
 
 Thompson is not going to do anything more 
 in conundrums. He recently asked his wife the 
 difference between his head and a hogshead, 
 and she said, there was none. He says that 
 is not the right answer.
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 
 Josh Billings 
 " 'Tis good to be merry and wise." 
 The sun says, with a lisp, "I thaw it." 
 
 A man having had $65 stolen from him, re- 
 ceived a note with $25, saying, "I stoled your 
 money. Remorse naws at my conshens, and I 
 send some of it back. When remorse naws 
 again, I'll send you some more." 
 
 A mother's heart gives 4th joy at her baby's 
 1st 2th. 
 
 I hav herd a grate deal sed about broken 
 hartes, and thare may be a fu ov them, but mi 
 experience haz been that next to the gizzard the 
 heart iz the tuffest piece ov meat in the whole 
 kritter. 
 
 I pitty the poor mizerabel man who sez thare 
 iz no hereafter. I had rather be a mule, para- 
 lized in both hind legs, than to be him. 
 
 136
 
 Smerican 1Wit anD Ibumoc 137 
 
 There aint but phew good judges ov humor 
 and they all differ about it. 
 
 In a Cincinnati block: "Josh, who is the 
 new lodger on the fifth floor?" Janitor: 
 " Well, I dunno. I seed him makin' faces outen 
 a pile of mud. Guess he must be a sculprit." 
 
 Ho, mug-gin ; ho, mug-gin, from a forrin 
 sho-hore, is the way a Topeka belle warbles a 
 popular song. 
 
 Miss Stagg was married at Hornellsville, N. 
 Y., recently. The bridegroom had engraved 
 on the wedding ring, " Name ever deer to me." 
 We wish them all doe mestic bliss. They are 
 taking their wedding trip on a buck-board. 
 
 Munny will buy a pretty dog, but it won't buy 
 the wag ov hiz tale. 
 
 " Love iz an honorable diseaze enuff tew hav, 
 bekauz it iz natral ; but enny phellow who haz 
 laid sik with it for seven long years, after he gits 
 over it feels sumthing like the phellow who haz 
 phell down on the ice when it is very wet — he 
 dont feel like talking about it before folks."
 
 138 amecican TWltt anD Ibumor 
 
 He who wood rize in the world, must pay for 
 the yeazt. 
 
 The following "notis" is posted in Lincoln 
 County, Mo. : " Ce hear. Eye dont want en- 
 niboddi that has hosses which has the eppizu- 
 tick innflewenza, or any other infurnel name, to 
 cum thru this gait under penalty of havin of 
 their, the hosses, tales cut oph cloase behind 
 their, the hosses, years. Keep shi. Moun- 
 tainer." 
 
 No man lean be a helthy phool unless he haz 
 nussed at the breast of wisdom. 
 
 An honest ignoramus, who has escaped a 
 great peril by an act of heroism, was much com- 
 plimented for his bravery. One lady said : "I 
 wish I could have seen your feat." Whereupon 
 he blushed and stammered, and finally, pointing 
 to his pedal extremities, said, " Well, there they 
 be, mum." 
 
 The ghost of Noah Webster came to a spiritual 
 medium in Alabama, not long since, and wrote 
 on a slip of paper : " It is tite times." Noah was 
 right but we are sorry to see he has gone back 
 on his dictionary.
 
 Bmertcan imit ano "Ibumor 139 
 
 In a breach of promise case at Milwaukee, the 
 lover was convicted of writing, "Mi hart beets 
 oanly for the, mi darling huney." 
 
 Mr. Billings is a little mysterious when he 
 says : " Natur luvs mysterys, it is the mysterys 
 ov natur that makes mankind respecktful. If 
 natur showed all the keerds she held in her hand 
 most ennybody would think they could beat 
 her. But natur makes us guess at about one- 
 half we know, and then laffs at us in her sleeves, 
 bekauze we don't git it right." 
 
 In Henry county, on the 28th ult., Mr. T. 
 Winkle to Miss Fannie Starr. T. Winkle, T. 
 Winkle, little Starr. 
 
 I luv the hunny bees bekause they are allwuss 
 bizzy, and hav a stinger allwuss hot and reddy 
 for the lazy, and for thoze who poke their noze 
 into their bizziness. 
 
 The man who kant talk with yu 10 minnitts 
 on an ordinary bizzness subjekt without express- 
 ing a grate anxiety about the welfare ov yure 
 soul, wants the klussest kind of watching. 
 
 Too long courtships are not allwuss judicious ; 
 the partys often tire out skoreing before the trot 
 begins.
 
 140 Bmerican limit a no ftumot 
 
 There ain't ennything that will kompletely 
 kure lazyness-, but I have known a 2nd wife to 
 hurry it sum. 
 
 There ain't but phew khan stick a white 
 hankkerchief into the brest pocket ov their 
 overcoat without letting a little of it stick out — 
 just by acksident. 
 
 Yung man, don't be afrade to blow your own 
 horn, but don't do it in front of the procession ; 
 go behind and do it. 
 
 When a man kums to me for advice, I find 
 out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to 
 him ; this satisfys him that he and I are two az 
 smart men az there is living. 
 
 "Foregoes" was the word given out at a 
 written spelling exercise recently ; and one little 
 boy handed in, " Go, go, go, go." 
 
 The following order was recently left on the 
 slate of a New Hampshire doctor : — " Doc, cum 
 up to ther house ; the old man has got snaix in 
 his butes again, an' raisin' kain." 
 
 Luv iz one ov them kind of diseases that yu 
 kant git, nor git rid ov, with enny certainty, 
 enny more than yu kan the rumatiz.
 
 Bmerican XClit ano Ibumor 141 
 
 Philosophy iz a fust rate thing to hav, but yu 
 kant alleviate the gout with it, unless the gout 
 happens to be on sum other phellow. 
 
 Biographies are delitesome reading. We 
 kumpare all the virtews of the person's character 
 with our own, and all his failings with our 
 nabors. 
 
 The reputation that a man gits from his an- 
 sesters often wants az mutch altering to fit him 
 az thare old clothes wood. It iz truly thus. 
 
 Haven't been well? Well, I dunno whether 
 it's cos I'm fond o' my tay, but the doctor he 
 do say I'm suffering from a bronze kettle affec- 
 tion. 
 
 If you undertake to hire a man to be honest, 
 yu will have to raize his wages every morning, 
 and watch him dredphull cluss besides. 
 
 SPRING 
 
 " Well, Spring, youv cum at last, hev you ? 
 The poet sez youv bin a sittin in Old Winter's 
 Lap — now aint you ashamed of yourself? 
 I spose the old feller's bin a bussin you; 
 I should think he had from your breth 
 A bein so cold — but that's the way them 
 Old fellers hev a doing.
 
 142 Hmerican "WHit anD Ibumor 
 
 " Well, as I was saying, 
 Youv cum at last with your ' bamy 
 Bretli ' a blowing from the Northwes — 
 Westconstant or Nebrasky, I spose, 
 Great countries for bam I reckin. 
 
 " Now youv cum wen 
 Everybodi's feed and korn and things 
 Hev all been fed out ! Now luck at 
 Our kritters, will ye ? See our katl ; 
 On the lift, a hevin to be steaded by 
 Thur tales when they gits up a mornings! 
 Look at our hossis wats all reduced 
 To skeletons a weepin over a troft ; 
 A hull troft full of kobs ! 
 A hull troft full of bitter reckeleckshuns ! 
 
 " Look at them shepe a lien in 
 The fence corners a waiting for grass ! 
 Yis, and they've bin a waiting some ov 
 Them weex ! And if they wasn't 
 Puld they'd a bin ' shakin ther lox 
 At yu ' and sed — ' U dun it ! (That thur 
 Is from Hamlet, won of Shakspur's plais.) 
 As another poit sez — ' Grass riffused makes 
 The stumak ake.' So these shepe wdl 
 Never open thur i into grass agin — no. 
 
 " Now luk at them hogs as has bin 
 A follerin them katel wat hev bin 
 Stuffed with ha ! See 'em, will ye, a creepin 
 Round as if theyse fetched with corns. 
 Look at thur eres, will ye — bigger nor 
 Enny cabbidge lefe !
 
 Bmerican TDtait anfc Ibumor 143 
 
 " See the shotes 
 A lenin on the fens to squele ! 
 Luk at them mity eres « a hanging pendint ' 
 Onto seech little hogs! See a hundrid 
 Gud shotes rejuced down to a even 
 Korn baskit full ! 
 Yes, that thurs ol yer doins, U 
 Tardy, loiterin Spring ! — a hanging bak 
 As youv bin a doin. 
 
 " But now you've cum ! 
 We feel yure cheerin presenz wen we 
 Git round onto the south side of the barn T 
 We here the hens a kacklin when they've 
 Laid a eg ! We see the horse radish 
 A starting up along side the garding 
 Fens ! The wimmen is a lukin into 
 The old tea-pot after gardin seeds, 
 And all these things make me think youv cum, 
 
 " Ef so be I've riled 
 Ye, Spring, a showin up ov yer short cummins, 
 Jest set it down to havin poit's lisens. 
 (Tho I haint taken wun out yet, I 'low to.")
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 
 Lawyers 
 "The Prince of Darkness is a gentleman. " 
 
 s v 
 
 Moving for a new trial — Popping to Mrs. 
 No. 2. 
 
 A band of Ohio women gathered in front of 
 a lawyer's office by mistake, and prayed and 
 sang half an hour before they learned that they 
 had been throwing away time. It is calculated 
 that their prayers wouldn't have had any effect 
 under eighteen months. 
 
 The debt of nature should never be paid, if it 
 can't be collected without an execution. 
 
 " Where is that twelfth juror? " exclaimed an 
 Idaho judge on the court's resuming business 
 after a recess, frowning as he spoke at the eleven 
 jurors in the box, one of whom rose and said : 
 " Please judge, it's Ike Simmons as is gone. 
 He had to go on private business, but he's left 
 his vurdick with me." 
 
 144
 
 Bmerican TKIlft anO fnimor 145 
 
 A Western lawyer included in his bill against 
 his client — To waking up in the night and 
 thinking about your case, five dollars. 
 
 A celebrated lawyer said that the three most 
 troublesome clients he ever had were a young 
 lady who wanted to be married, a married 
 woman who wanted a divorce, and an old maid 
 who didn't know what she wanted. 
 
 In the olden times in Louisiana when a man 
 had a lawsuit he used to hire a lawyer ; now he 
 has to hire a judge. 
 
 A lawyer, of Montana, recently received a 
 letter from a heart-broken and disconsolate hus- 
 band inquiring, "Is there any law to punish a 
 woman for leaving her husband with two little 
 helpless children, and if so, how much?" 
 
 "What shall I do to collect this bill?" a 
 butcher asked his lawyer. The man of law 
 reached forth his hand for a retainer and said 
 briefly, "Suet." 
 
 A worthy old farmer who was being worried 
 in his cross-examination by a lawyer in Maine, 
 exclaimed : "Look here, squire, don't you ask 
 a good many foolish questions ? "
 
 146 Bmecican irait anD Humor 
 
 A St. Louis lawyer attempted to try a case, 
 the other day, while he was half drunk, but the 
 judge stopped him, saying: "No lawyer can 
 practice at two bars at the same time." 
 
 During the cross-examination of the plaintiff, 
 the following pointed colloquy took place be- 
 tween him and the defendant's attorney : " Were 
 you ever in Albany?" "Yes, sir." "How 
 long were you there?" "Six months, sir." 
 "Were you in the penitentiary at the time?" 
 "Yes, sir; but I never was in the Assembly, 
 sir." The rejoinder was enjoyed by the spec- 
 tators, who remembered the attorney did once 
 occupy a seat in the House. 
 
 A little boy was asked the other day if he 
 knew where the wicked finally go to. He an- 
 swered : "They practice law here a spell and 
 then go to the legislature." 
 
 There is a story of Judge Grier, which every- 
 body delights in, how he set aside the unjust 
 verdict of a jury against an unpopular man, 
 with the remark, " Enter the verdict, Mr. 
 Clerk. Enter, also, set aside, by the court. I 
 want it to be understood that it takes thirteen 
 men to steal a man's farm in this court."
 
 Bmertcan "Wait anD Ibumor 147 
 
 A pack of wolves in Sherbourne Co., Minne- 
 sota, chased a couple of lawyers five miles, and 
 the New Orleans Republican thinks it showed a 
 lack of professional courtesy. 
 
 William M. Evarts tells this good story. A 
 few summers since, at the urgent request of one 
 of his younger daughters, he sent up to his country 
 place in Vermont a donkey for her use. She 
 had read about donkeys, but was not familiar 
 with their peculiar vocalism. The animal's 
 strange noises inspired her with the profoundest 
 pity for his evident distress. So she wrote to 
 her father, " Dear papa, I do wish you would 
 come up here soon — my donkey is so lonesome." 
 
 Two lawyers, while bathing at Santa Cruz the 
 other day, were chased out of the water by a 
 shark. This is the most flagrant case of want 
 of professional courtesy on record . 
 
 Making the best of it is a good rule for every- 
 body.. "What is the matter? " asked a lawyer 
 of his coachman. "The horses are running 
 away, sir." "Can you not pull them up?" 
 "I am afraid not." " Then," said the lawyer, 
 after judicial delay, "run into something 
 cheap."
 
 148 Bmecican Wit ano Ibumor 
 
 A judge at Montgomery, Ala., recently in- 
 terrupted, a very flowery young orator with — 
 "Hold on, hold on, my dear sir! Don't go 
 any higher ! You are already out of the juris- 
 diction of this court ! " 
 
 Judge Martin decided that certain evidence 
 was inadmissible. The attorney took strong 
 exceptions to the ruling, and insisted that it 
 was admissible. "I know, your Honor," said 
 he, warmly, "that it is proper evidence. Here 
 I have been practicing at the bar for forty years, 
 and now I want to know if I am a fool?" 
 "That," quietly replied the court, "is a ques- 
 tion of fact, and not of law, and so I won't pass 
 upon it, but will let the jury decide." 
 
 A judge, in remanding a criminal called him 
 a scoundrel. The prisoner replied, " Sir, I am 
 not as big a scoundrel as your honor" — here 
 the culprit stopped, but finally added — "takes 
 me to be." " Put your words closer together," 
 said the judge. 
 
 " Prisoner," said Squire Jones, in awarding 
 judgment, "it is a maxim of the law that it is 
 better to err on the side of mercy. This court 
 has made up her mind which side she will err 
 on, and nothing remains but to err on that side."
 
 Bmerican "Wait anD Ibumor 149 
 
 "Gentlemen of the jury," said a blundering 
 counsel in a suit about a lot of hogs, "there 
 were just thirty-six in the drove. Please re- 
 member the fact — thirty-six hogs; just three 
 times as many as in that jury-box, gentlemen." 
 
 Two young attorneys were wrangling for a 
 long time before Judge Knox, of Virginia, over 
 a point of law. His Honor rendered his de- 
 cision, and the sprig who had lost impudently 
 remarked: "Your Honor, there is a growing 
 opinion that all the fools are not dead yet." 
 "Certainly," answered the court, with unruffled 
 good humor, "I quite agree with you, Mr. B., 
 and congratulate you upon your healthy appear- 
 
 ance." 
 
 A few days since one of our popular attorneys 
 called upon another member of the profession, 
 and asked his opinion upon a certain point of 
 law. The lawyer to whom the question was 
 addressed, drew himself up and said : " I gen- 
 erally get paid for telling what I know." The 
 questioner drew a half dollar from his pocket, 
 handed it to the other, and coolly remarked : 
 " Tell me all you know and give me the change." 
 There is coldness between the parties now.
 
 150 Bmertcan unit ano Ibumor 
 
 The donkey and his double — Judge Norbury 
 was interrupted in his charge to a jury once by 
 the loud braying of a donkey in the street of 
 the assize town. "What's that?" asked his 
 lordship. Mr. Parsons (with whom his lordship 
 had just had a fiery flareup) rose and gravely 
 assured him that it was merely the echo of the 
 court. 
 
 Two neighbors living in Westchester county 
 had a long and envenomed litigation about a 
 small spring, which they both claimed. The 
 judge, wearied out with the case, at last said : 
 " What is the use of making so much fuss about 
 a little water ? " " Your honor will see the use 
 of it," replied one of the lawyers, when 1 in- 
 form you that the parties are both milkmen ! 
 
 In Connecticut a certain magistrate was called 
 to jail to liberate a worthless debtor. "Well, 
 John," said the magistrate on entering, "can 
 you swear that you are not worth twenty dollars, 
 and never will be?" "Why," answered the 
 other, chagrined at the question, "lean swear 
 that I am not worth that amount at present." 
 "Well, well," returned the magistrate, "I can 
 swear the rest; so go ahead." And the man 
 was sworn and discharged.
 
 Bmertcan lUltt ano Ibumot 151 
 
 A dying client sent for lawyers Rickle and 
 Fuller, of course, to draw the will they sup- 
 posed he would make. Judge of their surprise 
 when his request was that one should stand on 
 each side of him, so that he could die like Jesus 
 Christ ! 
 
 A lawyer had his portrait taken in his favorite 
 attitude — standing with his hands in his pocket. 
 An old farmer remarked that the portrait would 
 have been more like the lawyer if it had repre- 
 sented him with his hand in another man's 
 pocket, instead of his own. 
 
 Two lawyers returning from court one said to 
 the other, "I've a notion to join the Rev. Mr. 
 
 's church ; been debating the matter for 
 
 some time. What do you think of it?" 
 " Wouldn't do it," said the other. " Why?" 
 "Because it would do you no good while it 
 would be a great injury to the church." 
 
 In a lawsuit, between two members of the 
 same church, counsel for one of the parties sug- 
 gested that the brethren ought to defer their 
 differences for adjustment to the higher court 
 above ; to which the client responded that the
 
 152 American "Unit ano Mumor 
 
 same idea had occurred to him, but there 
 seemed to be an insuperable obstacle in the way 
 — he couldn't contrive any way to get his law- 
 yer there.
 
 CHAPTER VIII 
 
 Ministers 
 
 " A little nonsense now and then 
 Is relished by the best of men." 
 
 A clergyman said that modern young ladies 
 were not the datighters of Shem and Ham, but 
 the daughters of Hem and Sham. 
 
 A telegraph messenger got his dispatches 
 mixed the other day, and handed a jockey a 
 telegram which read : " Can you -supply our 
 pulpit next Sabbath?" and to a well-known 
 clergyman a dispatch which read, "The race is 
 postponed till Monday. Can you come down 
 and spend Sunday?" 
 
 An old, rough clergyman once took for his 
 text that passage of the Psalms, "I said in my 
 haste all men are liars." Looking up, appar- 
 ently as if he saw the Psalmist standing before 
 him, he said : " You said it in your haste, 
 David. If you had been here, you might have 
 said it after mature deliberation." 
 
 153
 
 154 Hmertcan XClit anD •fcuntot 
 
 An ignorant old lady was asked by a minister 
 visiting her if she had religion. She replied : 
 " I have slight touches of it occasionally." 
 
 A small minister added to his height by stand- 
 ing upon a wooden box. He opened the Bible 
 and read "yet a little and I am with you — a 
 little while I am not with you." Just then the 
 box switched under his weight, and down he 
 went out of sight. 
 
 "Well, Father Brown, how did you like my 
 sermon yesterday ? ' ' asked a young preacher. 
 " You see, parson," was the reply, " I haven't a 
 fair chance at them sermons of youm. I'm an 
 old man now, and have to set putty well back 
 by the stove ; and ther's old Miss Smith, n' 
 widdow Taff, n' Mrs. Rylan's daughters, and 
 Nabby Birt, n' all the rest setting in front of me, 
 with their mouths wide open, a swallerin' down 
 all the best of the sermon, n' what gits down to 
 me is putty poor stuff, parson, putty poor stuff." 
 
 When the recording angel observes a minister 
 of the gospel holding a nail between his fingers 
 while he misses it with a hammer, the trust- 
 worthy scribe drops into a brown study and 
 pretends not to hear anything.
 
 Bmciican lUtt anD "toumor 155 
 
 At a recent wedding in Ohio, the minister 
 was about to salute the bride, when she stayed 
 him with: "No, mister, I give up them vani- 
 ties now ! " 
 
 In one of his tours, Elder John Leland came 
 up at night to a public house, where he was ac- 
 quainted, and where he proposed to pass the 
 night. The landlord met him with a smiling 
 countenance, and told him that, having built a 
 new barn, he was nicely prepared to accom- 
 modate the clergy. "I have," said he, "a 
 very good stable, with all the improvements for 
 Episcopalian horses ; a comfortable sort of a 
 stable for Presbyterian horses ; while I keep the 
 old barn for Baptist horses ; the feed is accord- 
 ing to the style of the stable." " Well," he re- 
 plied, " everybody knows that I am a Baptist, 
 but my horse is an Episcopalian." 
 
 That was a good though rather a severe pun 
 which was made by a student in one of our 
 theological seminaries (and he was not one of 
 the brightest of the class either), when he asked : 
 " Why is Professor the greatest revival- 
 ist of the age?" and on all "giving it up," 
 said: "Because at the close of every sermon 
 there is a ' Great Awakening.' "
 
 156 american tUlt ano Ibumor 
 
 A young clergyman, small of stature, preach- 
 ing as a candidate in a certain place, one Sab- 
 bath, peering over the pulpit Bible, announced 
 as his text : " It is I. Be not afraid." 
 
 Some months ago the Lord Bishop of 
 
 came to this country on a visit to the Rev. Dr. 
 
 , of the Episcopal church in New York. 
 
 The doctor instructed a colored boy in his serv- 
 ice to knock at the bedroom door of the Lord 
 Bishop early in the morning and say, "My 
 Lord, the boy." Accordingly the next morn- 
 ing, the boy, somewhat dazed by so much 
 grandeur, knocked at the bishop's door, who 
 called out, "Who is there?" The boy re- 
 sponded, "The Lord, my boy." 
 
 Rev. Robert Collyer wishes every gin mill 
 chained in the bottomless pit of hell. Mr. Coll- 
 yer does wrong to wish anything which would 
 encourage emigration in that direction. 
 
 A young theological student, not far from 
 Boston, recently invited a young lady to attend 
 a concert. The damsel's answer was in this 
 wise: "If you come as a temporary supply, 1 
 must refuse the invitation. I am only hearing 
 regular candidates." He didn't supply.
 
 Bmerican "Omit anO Ibumor 157 
 
 New York is disgusted at a bashful young 
 clergyman who was reading the Holy Scripture 
 in this way: "And immediately the cock wept 
 -■ -ft t i d Peter went out and crew." 
 
 At a religious meeting a lady persevered in 
 standing on a bench, and thus intercepting the 
 view of others, though she was repeatedly re- 
 quested to sit down. A reverend old gentleman 
 at last rose and said gravely, "I think if the 
 lady knew she had a large hole in each of her 
 stockings she would not exhibit them in this 
 way." This had the desired effect — she imme- 
 diately sank down on her seat. A young 
 minister standing by blushed to the temples, and 
 said, " Oh, brother, how could you say that was 
 not the fact?" "Not the fact!" replied the 
 old gentleman ; "if she had not a large hole in 
 each of her stockings, I would like to know how 
 she gets them on." 
 
 "Mr. Smith, you said you once officiated in 
 the pulpit ; did you mean by that that you 
 preached?" "No, sir; I held the light for 
 the man who did preach." "Ah, the Court 
 understood you differently. — They supposed 
 that the discourse came directly from you." 
 "No, sir, I only threw a little light on it."
 
 158 American TKIUt anc Ibumor 
 
 " Why don't you give us a little Greek and 
 Latin occasionally?" asked a country deacon 
 of a new minister. "Why, do you understand 
 those languages?" "No, but we pay for the 
 best, and ought to have it." 
 
 The Rev. Mr. A., a Methodist minister in a 
 western village, observed one hot Sunday, that 
 his congregation, with few exceptions, were 
 wrapped in placid slumber. Suddenly pausing 
 in his sermon, he requested Deacon B. to pass 
 around the plate. The deacon, thus accosted, 
 rose to his feet, and, with a very red face, said, 
 " the collection has already been taken up." 
 " Never mind, Brother B.," replied the minister, 
 "take up another, for I intend to make the 
 congregation pay for lodgings, as well as for 
 spiritual food." When the second collection 
 had been taken up the congregation was very 
 wide awake indeed. 
 
 Recently a minister received a clergyman's 
 half-fare traveling card, as they are called, and 
 wrote to the superintendent asking if he could 
 not embrace his wife also. The superintendent 
 replied that he thought likely he could, but did 
 not want to say positively until he had seen the 
 wife, as he was a little fastidious in his tastes.
 
 Bmccican Ulit ano Dumot 159 
 
 A bishop, fond of hunting, hearing it re- 
 marked that the apostles never hunted, replied, 
 "No, shooting was very bad in Palestine, so 
 they fished instead." 
 
 I never knew a good horse which had not 
 some odd habit or other, and I never yet saw a 
 minister worth his salt who had not some 
 crotchet or oddity. Now, these are the bits of 
 cheese that cavilers smell out and nibble at ; 
 this man is too slow, and another too fast ; the 
 first is too flowery, and the second is too dull. 
 Dear me, if all God's creatures were judged in 
 this way, we should wring the dove's neck for 
 being too tame, shoot the robins for eating 
 spiders, kill the cows for swinging their tails, and 
 the hens for not giving us milk. When a man 
 wants to beat a dog he can soon find a stick, 
 and at this rate any fool may have something to 
 say against the best minister in England. 
 
 Bishop Clark, of Rhode Island, once went to 
 see one of his parishioners, a lady with a pro- 
 digious family, which had recently been in- 
 creased. As he rose to leave, the lady stopped 
 him with, " But you haven't seen my last baby." 
 " No," he quickly replied, "and I never expect 
 to!" Then he fled.
 
 160 Bmerfcan lUit an& tbumor 
 
 " Do you think I am a fool? " a violent man 
 once asked of the late Rev. Dr. Bethune. 
 "Really," replied the doctor, "I would not 
 have made the assertion, but now that you ask 
 my opinion, I must say that I am not prepared 
 to deny it." 
 
 A Massachusetts bishop, who visiting one of 
 the churches of his diocese, requested that the 
 children of the Sunday-school should be assem- 
 bled to be catechized. The good bishop put 
 this question rather suddenly to the little boy 
 who stood trembling at the head of the class. 
 "Who made the world?" The little fellow 
 with quivering voice, replied: "I didn't." 
 The bishop, astonished at the answer, de- 
 manded : "What do you mean, sir?" Still 
 more frightened, the lad replied: "If — I — did 
 — I — won't — do — it — again ! " 
 
 A Boston minister once told Wendel Phillips 
 
 that if his business in life was to save the 
 negroes, he ought to go south where they were 
 and do it. "That is worth thinking of," replied 
 Phillips, "and what is your business in life?" 
 "To save men from hell," replied the minister. 
 "Then go there and attend to your business," 
 rejoined Phillips.
 
 Hmerican limit anD Ibumor i<u 
 
 A clergyman, one hot Sunday, observing a 
 deacon asleep in church, called out: "Brother 
 Austin will please open the window a little. 
 Physicians say it is unhealthy to sleep in a hot 
 room." 
 
 In the smoking car of a New Haven train, 
 Friday, were seated two men faced to each 
 other, whom white neckcloths made conspicuous 
 despite the clouds of smoke. They were con- 
 versing on the subject of church government, 
 and got pretty well advanced in the topic when 
 two men sharing their seats drew forth a pack 
 of cards, and pretty soon the observations on 
 church government were diversified by such re- 
 marks as: "What's trumps?" "Take up." 
 " Pass." " Skunked, by thunder ! " 
 
 Slightly sarcastic was the clergyman who 
 paused and addressed a man coming into church, 
 after the sermon had begun with the remark, 
 " Glad to see you, sir, come in ; always glad to 
 see those here late who can't come early ; " and 
 decidedly self-possessed was the man thus ad- 
 dressed, in the presence of an astounded con- 
 gregation, as he responded: "Thank you; 
 would you favor me with the text? "
 
 162 Bmcrican XUit ano Ibumor 
 
 Said a Baptist to a Methodist brother: "I 
 don't like your church government — it has too 
 much machinery about it." "Yes, but then 
 you see," said the Methodist, "it don't take 
 near so much water to run it." 
 
 A clergyman in a Lawrence church, on a re- 
 cent occasion, discovered, after beginning the 
 service, that he had forgotten his notes. As it 
 was too late to send for them, he said to his 
 audience, by way of apology, that this morning 
 he should have to depend upon the Lord for 
 what he might say, but in the afternoon he 
 would come better prepared. 
 
 A clergyman, lecturing on Palestine, remarked 
 concerning one very rugged locality : " The 
 road up these mountains are too steep and 
 rocky for even a donkey to climb, therefore I 
 did not attempt the ascent." 
 
 One of the deacons of a certain church asked 
 the bishop if he usually kissed the bride at wed- 
 dings. " Always," was the reply. " And how 
 do you manage when the happy pair are 
 negroes?" was the next question. "In all 
 such cases," replied the bishop, "the duty of 
 kissing is appointed to the deacons."
 
 Bmerfcan 1*iltt an£> Ibumor 163 
 
 The Rev. Mr. Shipman, of Norwich, says 
 that he was once called to marry a man who 
 was to be united to his fourth wife. As he ap- 
 proached the couple he said, as usual, "Please 
 rise." The man fidgeted about on his chair, 
 and finally remarked, " We've usually sot." 
 
 It is related of a certain minister of Maine, 
 who was noted for his long sermons, with many 
 divisions, that one day when he was advancing 
 among the teens he reached at length a kind of 
 resting-place in his discourse, when, pausing to 
 take breath, he asked the question: "And 
 what shall I say next? " A voice from the con- 
 gregation responded, " Amen." 
 
 A Utica clergyman had occasion to refer in a 
 sermon to the prophet Jonah, and the report 
 says that he delicately spoke of him as having 
 "passed three days and three nights in the 
 whale's — ahem — society. ' ' 
 
 A wide-awake minister, who found his con- 
 gregation going to sleep before he had fairly 
 commenced, suddenly exclaimed, "Brethren, 
 this ain't fair. Wait till I get along, and then 
 if I ain't worth listening to, go to sleep; but 
 don't before I commence— give a man a chance."
 
 164 Bmeri'can "uatt ano Ibumor 
 
 One of our vicinity deacons nearly captured 
 five boys who had been devastating his chestnut 
 trees, one Sunday afternoon. Shaking his fist 
 after their retreating forms, he angrily shouted : 
 "The sneaking little devils! if 1 had hold of 
 'em one minute I'd " — and then suddenly es- 
 pying his pastor on the scene, he impressively 
 added, "I'd pray for 'em." 
 
 A gentleman invited the Rev. Mr. M 
 
 to ride, and thought he would improve the op- 
 portunity for a little serious conversation. " I 
 sometimes think there is something wanting in 
 
 my life." "Yes," interrupted M , "you 
 
 want something that will git up and git, and 
 dust them on the road, better than this old plug 
 you're holding the lines over now." 
 
 "Oh ! yes," said Mrs. D., as she surveyed 
 with evident pleasure her little parlor sideboard, 
 covered with old china and decorated with 
 highly-colored tiles. "Mr. B. remarked the 
 other night that I was becoming quite an 
 atheist," and the old lady's countenance fairly 
 beamed with delight as her eyes rested on a 
 sixteen-cent Japanese teapot.
 
 CHAPTER IX 
 
 Doctors 
 
 " The best doctors in the world are Dr. Diet, Dr. 
 Quiet and Dr. Merryman." 
 
 A doctor's motto: "Patients and long suf- 
 fering." 
 
 There is no worse occupation for an earnest 
 physician than to listen to the complaints of 
 
 people who pretend to be ill. Dr. , who 
 
 was called by one of his patients for nothing 
 about once a week, ended by inquiring : " Then 
 you eat well?" "Yes." " You drink well? " 
 "Yes." "You sleep well?" "Certainly." 
 " Wonderful," said the doctor as he prepared to 
 write a prescription. "I'm going to give you 
 something that will put a stop to all that." 
 
 A Davenport newspaper speaks of a doctor in 
 that city looking with a deep-meaning smile 
 upon a large lot of green cucumbers in the 
 market. On his way home he was observed to 
 whisper confidentially to several undertakers. 
 
 165
 
 ice Bmcrican TlUllt at^ Ibumor 
 
 The only people who really enjoy bad health 
 are the doctors. 
 
 A doctor always treated his juvenile patients 
 for worms, whatever might be their symptoms. 
 One day being called to a boy who was suffering 
 severely, he felt the pulse, and looking at the 
 mother with a solemn shake of the head, said : 
 " Worms, madam, worms ! " " Now, doctor," 
 said the mother, " it isn't worms at all, I tell 
 ye ; that boy fell down the wood pile and broke 
 his leg, and I want you to stop crying worms 
 and set it immediately." "Ah!" said the 
 doctor, determined not to be put down, " worms 
 in the wood, madam ! worms in the wood ! " 
 
 The only man who don't get out of patients 
 in cold weather — The doctor. 
 
 Dr. G , of Sycamore, 111., riding in the 
 
 country one day, saw a sign upon a gate-post 
 reading thus : " This farm for sail." Stopping 
 his horse, he hailed a little old woman who 
 stood on tiptoe hanging out clothes. " I say, 
 madam, when is this farm going to sail?" 
 " Just as soon, sir," replied the lady, placing 
 her thumb to her nose, "as anybody comes 
 along who can raise the wind ! "
 
 American *WMt anD Ibumor 167 
 
 "Keep 'em alive, boy! keep 'em alive!" 
 said an old physician to his young brother prac- 
 titioner. " Dead men pay no bills." 
 
 The brusque Dr. Abernethy, when rushing 
 along a London street in great haste, was 
 attacked by a garrulous old lady patient. She 
 began her plaint. There was but one chance of 
 escape. "Just close your eyes and open your 
 mouth, madam," said the desperate man. 
 There she stood and stood, eyes shut, tongue 
 protruded, waiting for his verdict, while he 
 darted past and left her to the tender mercies of 
 a rapidly-increasing crowd. 
 
 " It's no use to feel my wrist," said Pat when 
 the physician began feeling his pulse. "The 
 pain is not there, sorr, it's in my head en- 
 toirely." 
 
 The other day, Mrs. Muggins, finding her- 
 self unwell, sent for a doctor, and in the pres- 
 ence of Muggins and the medical man, declared 
 her belief that she was poisoned, and that he 
 (Muggins) had done it. "I didn't do it," 
 shouted Muggins; "it's all gammon, she isn't 
 poisoned. Prove it, doctor — open her on the 
 spot; I'm willing."
 
 h- Bmetfcan 1'Clit an& ibumoc 
 
 The doctor's work fills six feet of ground, but 
 the dentist's work fills an acher. 
 
 "Well, doctor, it's no use, I'm going to 
 die!" "Nonsense," said the doctor, "you're 
 not going to die at all. No man ever died with 
 feet as warm as yours ! " "Ah, yes they did, 
 doctor." " I should like to know who, then ? " 
 said the doctor. " John Rogers did," said the 
 patient. 
 
 " I'm so afraid, doctor, that my darling has 
 — has — worms, doctor." "H'm, h'm. Pos- 
 sibly, possibly. Better send him fishing." 
 
 Two San Francisco doctors, recently called in 
 to attend a conference over a man supposed to be 
 in the last extremity, violently quarreled and 
 finally caned each other. The patient laughed, 
 perspiration was induced, and he recovered. 
 Where doctors fall out, sometimes, patients get 
 well. 
 
 A physician, on presenting his bill to the 
 executor of the estate of a deceased patient, 
 asked, "Do you wish to have my bill sworn 
 to ? " " No," replied the executor, " the death 
 of the deceased is sufficient evidence that you 
 attended him professionally."
 
 Bmerican Wilt ano Ibumor 169 
 
 When Shakespeare wrote about patience on a 
 monument, he did not refer to doctor's patients, 
 because you always find them under the monu- 
 ment. 
 
 "Well," remarked a young M. D., just from 
 college, "I suppose the next thing will be to 
 hunt a good location, and then wait for some- 
 thing to do, like 'Patience on a monument.' " 
 " Yes," said a bystander, " and it won't be long 
 after you do begin before monuments will be on 
 the patients." 
 
 It is useless for physicians to argue against 
 short sleeved dresses. The Constitution says : 
 "The right to bear arms shall not be interfered 
 with." 
 
 Physicians hear some queer diagnoses from 
 amateurs sometimes. Our friend Dr. D. was 
 called recently to see a sick man, and upon in- 
 quiring of his wife how he was affected, received 
 in reply, " Well, you see, doctor, the things what 
 he eats gits sorter tangled round his heart, and 
 he suffers awful." 
 
 A medical writer has lately asserted that 
 physic is the art of amusing the patient, while 
 nature cures the disease.
 
 170 American "Wait ano Ibumor 
 
 A doctor went out for a day's sport, and com- 
 plained of having killed nothing. "That's the 
 consequence of having neglected your business," 
 observed his wife. 
 
 " May I leave a few tracts? " asked a travel- 
 ing quack doctor of a lady who responded to his 
 knock. "Leave some tracks? Certainly you 
 may," said she, looking at him most benignly 
 over her specs ; ' ' leave them with the heel 
 toward the house, if you please." 
 
 Dr. Ayers, of Cheever Colony, Kansas, was 
 seriously injured by a well caving in on him. 
 Served him right. He should have attended to 
 the sick and let the well alone. 
 
 A gravedigger, walking in the streets of 
 Windsor the other day chanced to turn and 
 noticed two doctors walking behind him. He 
 stopped till they passed and then followed on 
 behind them. "And why this?" asked they. 
 " I know my place in this procession," said he. 
 
 A young man of a fast turn, and looking like 
 anything but a doctor, complains that all his 
 tradesmen are determined to give him the title 
 of Dr. , but they put the Dr. after his name in- 
 stead of before it.
 
 Bmerfcan TJQltt ano tmmor 171 
 
 "John," asked a doctor of the apothecary's 
 boy, "did Mrs. Green get the medicine I or- 
 dered?" "I guess so," replied the boy, "for 
 I saw crape on the door knob this morning." 
 
 Doctor to an acquaintance, " Mrs. Jones, I 
 am glad to see you have recovered." Mrs. 
 Jones, " Yes, you have saved my life, how can 
 I thank you sufficiently?" Doctor, " I saved 
 your life? Why, I didn't attend you." MrsJ 
 Jones, " Yes ; and that is why I am so grateful.'"
 
 CHAPTER X 
 
 Editors 
 
 " A fool must now and then be bright by a chance." 
 
 A Georgia editor was bitten by a dog, being 
 evidently mistaken for a bone. 
 
 A rural editor, wishing to be severe upon an 
 
 exchange, remarks, " The subscriber of the 
 
 in this place tried a few days ago, to carry home 
 some lard in a copy of that paper ; but on 
 reaching home, found that the concentrated lie 
 had changed it to soap." 
 
 A western editor reports money close, but not 
 close enough to be reached. 
 
 The Colorado papers are boasting of the 
 wonderful recuperative qualities of their climate, 
 and quote, as an instance, the case of an Ohio 
 lad)' who was unable to sweep a room with a 
 broom at home, but she had not been in Colo- 
 rado a month before she chased her husband a 
 mile with a pitchfork. 
 
 172
 
 Bmerican "WIltt an& •foumor 173 
 
 A Georgia editor who had his pistol stolen is 
 willing if ihe thief returns it, to give him the 
 contents. 
 
 A Troy editor took his wife to New York the 
 other day. The conductor, when he came 
 along, recognized our Troy brother as entitled 
 to a free passage, but not knowing the lady 
 whispered to him: "Is this lady a friend of 
 yours?" "No, no," said the Troy editor in 
 haste, "she is my wife." 
 
 The proprietor of a certain newspaper walks 
 five miles every morning to keep up his circu- 
 lation. 
 
 A man in an adjoining county died recently 
 who had taken his county paper for twelve years 
 without paying for it. Upon the day of his 
 burial the kind-hearted, forgiving editor called 
 to see him for the last time and stuffed a linen 
 duster and a couple of palm leaf hats into the 
 coffin. He was preparing him for a warmer 
 climate. 
 
 A Michigan editor calls another a sniveling- 
 headed idiot. Nothing could be worse but an 
 idiot-headed snivel.
 
 174 American TKfltt anD t)umot 
 
 A western editor, recently married, states edi- 
 torially, "We are living at this moment under 
 absolute despotism." 
 
 An editor narrowly escaped having his pocket 
 picked of $10,000 in a crowd in Philadelphia 
 last week. The thief got off with his wallet, but 
 unfortunately it only contained sixteen cents 
 and a receipt for making paste that will keep six 
 months without souring. 
 
 A southern editor says that mint juleps are 
 coming, and they won't be crowded out by a 
 press of other matter either. 
 
 An editor and his wife were walking out in 
 the bright moonlight one evening. Like all 
 editors' wives, she was of a poetic nature, and 
 said to her mate : " Notice that moon ; how 
 bright, and calm, and beautiful ! " "Couldn't 
 think of noticing it," returned the editor, " for 
 anything less than the usual rates — a dollar and 
 fifty cents for twelve lines." 
 
 An Alabama editor winds up an editorial on 
 the corn crop with the remark, "We have on 
 exhibition in our sanctum a pair of magnificent 
 
 ears."
 
 Bmerfcan Wit anO tmmoc 175 
 
 A Connecticut editor having been elected 
 fence viewer, calls on all who have fences to be 
 viewed to bring them to his office, under penalty 
 of the law. 
 
 The manufacture of paper from wood has 
 reached the altitude of perfection in Canada. 
 The superintendent of a mill up there says, " a 
 tree is cut down and shoved into one end of a 
 mill and five minutes later there is a neighbor at 
 the other end to borrow the paper." 
 
 " We have no room for all this," said our 
 night editor, glancing despairingly at a two- 
 column obituary, "it must be cut down to 
 proper die-mention. 
 
 When an editor makes a mistake in his paper 
 all the world sees it, and calls him a liar. When 
 a private citizen makes a mistake, nobody knows 
 it except a few friends and they come around 
 and ask the editor to keep it out of the paper. 
 When the private citizen dies, the editor is 
 asked to write of all his good qualities and leave 
 out the bad. When the editor dies, the private 
 citizen says : " Now that old liar will get his de- 
 serts."
 
 176 Bmcrican XUit ano ttumor 
 
 A burglar entered the house of a country 
 editor the other night. After a terrible struggle 
 the editor succeeded in robbing him. 
 
 A western publisher lately gave notice that he 
 intended so spend fifty dollars for a new head 
 for his paper. The next day one of his sub- 
 scribers dropped him the following note : 
 " Don't do it — better keep the money and buy 
 a new head for the editor." 
 
 A man sued an Ohio editor for $10,000 
 damages and was awarded one cent. It beats 
 all how accurately a jury will occasionally size 
 up an editor's pile. 
 
 "I apologize for saying you could not open 
 your mouth without putting your foot in it," 
 said the editor, sternly regarding the horsewhip 
 she held over his head. "I solemnly assure 
 you that when I said it I had no idea of the size 
 of your foot. ' ' 
 
 "There! " triumphantly exclaimed a Dead- 
 wood editor, as a bullet came through the 
 window and shattered the inkstand, "I knew 
 that that new ' Personal ' column would be a 
 
 success."
 
 Bmerican WLit anD Ibumor 177 
 
 "Women, wake up!" says Mrs. Cady 
 
 Stanton, and a ruffian rural editor adds, " Yes, 
 
 and darn it, turn out and build a fire and get 
 breakfast." 
 
 An Arkansas local soliloquizes thus: "Some 
 of our exchanges are publishing as a curious 
 item a statement to the effect that a horse in 
 Iowa pulled the plug out of the bunghole of a 
 barrel for the purpose of slacking his thirst." 
 We do not see anything extraordinary in the oc- 
 currence. Now, if the horse had pulled the 
 barrel out of the bunghole and slacked its thirst 
 with the plug, or if the barrel had pulled the 
 bunghole out of the plug and slacked its thirst 
 with the horse, or if the plug had pulled the 
 horse out of the barrel and slacked its thirst 
 with the bunghole, or if the bunghole had 
 pulled the thirst out of the horse and slacked 
 the plug with the barrel, or if the barrel had 
 pulled the horse out of the bunghole and plugged 
 its thirst with a slake, it might be worth while to 
 make some fuss over it. 
 
 A contemporary thus sensibly talks : " How 
 young men can consent to loaf about the corners 
 as they do, when a good dose of strychnine can 
 be bought for sixpence is really surprising."
 
 178 American "Uflit ano f>umor 
 
 A western editor says that water has tasted 
 strong of sinners ever since the deluge, and 
 that's the why he takes whiskey in his'n. 
 
 "How," writes Ethel, "are we to tell the 
 perfect gentleman ? " " Just come into the office 
 anytime, Ethel, when we are not busy, and set 
 yourself right down in the chair by our desk, 
 and tell it to us as freely as you would to your 
 mother. You can depend on us, Ethel." 
 
 The editor who was told that his last article 
 was as clear as mud, replied, " Well, that covers 
 the ground, anyhow." 
 
 A Baptist paper in Ohio was sent for nine 
 years to a subscriber who never paid a cent for 
 it. The other day the newspaper was returned 
 to the patient and long-suffering publisher, with 
 the affecting pencil note on its margin, "Gone 
 to a better world." The editor is a very pious 
 man, but it is reported that his faith is terribly 
 shaken in regard to the accuracy of the informa- 
 tion. 
 
 An editor who has given up trying to please 
 everybody, says : " Even if I sound the praise 
 of my own Maker the devil would be offended."
 
 Smertcan THiM ano tumor 179 
 
 A country editor thinks that Richelieu who 
 declared that the pen is mightier than the sword, 
 ought to have spoken a good word for the 
 scissors. 
 
 An editor says : "We don't mind recording 
 the deaths of people without being paid for our 
 trouble ; but panegyrics on the dead must be 
 paid for. We positively cannot send people to 
 Paradise for nothing." 
 
 The Boston Post man indignantly exclaims : 
 "The assertion that we attended a ball game 
 Sunday is false. We've got the fish to prove it." 
 
 A Yankee editor throws up the sponge with 
 the remark " that it don't pay to run a paper in 
 a town where the business men read almanacs, 
 and pick their teeth with the tail of a herring." 
 
 The editor of a Nashville paper is accused by 
 his neighbors of having caught cold while sleep- 
 ing in church with his pew door open. 
 
 A man was recently knocked down and nearly 
 killed in Massachusetts, all for the sum of one 
 dollar. The time is slowly but surely approach- 
 ing when even an editor won't be safe.
 
 180 Smertcan TRIM ano t>umor 
 
 The editor of a St. Louis paper recently in- 
 sisted that poets must be brief. The next day 
 he received the following, entitled, " The Ballad 
 of the .Merchant: Trust — Bust." 
 
 The first day Artemus Ward entered Toledo, 
 travel-worn and seedy, he said to an editor who 
 was on the street, " Mister, where could I get a 
 good dinner for a shilling ? " He was told ; and 
 then inquired, " I say, mister, where could I get 
 the shilling?" 
 
 Jason Welch, of Iowa, got mad and stopped 
 his newspaper, and then because the withdrawal 
 of his patronage didn't kill the paper he went 
 and killed himself. 
 
 An irate western editor lately wrote to a con- 
 tributor : "If you do not stop sending me such 
 abominable poetry, I'll print a piece of it some 
 day with your name appended in full, and send 
 a copy to your girl." 
 
 An editor, who speaks with the air of a man 
 who has discovered a new fact by experience, 
 says that the only way to prevent bleeding of 
 the nose is to keep the nose out of other people's 
 business.
 
 Hmerican "Wait anD ibumoc 181 
 
 A correspondent of a paper having described 
 the Ohio as a sickly stream, the editor appended 
 the remark: "That's so, it's confined to its 
 bed." 
 
 A country editor cannot be as bold and inde- 
 pendent in his paper as his city brother. He 
 has to collect his own subscriptions, and almost 
 everybody in the country keeps a dog. 
 
 A man writes to an editor for four dollars, 
 "because he is so infernally short " and gets in 
 reply the heartless response, " Do as I do ; stand 
 up in a chair." 
 
 The editor of the Morehead (D. C.) Star 
 says : " We offer special inducement to our sub- 
 scribers who club together and send in any lit- 
 tle matter of eatables, as it were. ' ' 
 
 There are no bouquets about a newspaper 
 office, but sometimes the contents of the paste- 
 cup acquire a maturity which by any other name 
 would swell as sweet. 
 
 " I slept in an editor's bed last night, 
 When no editor chanced to be nigh : 
 And I thought, as I tumbled that editor's nest, 
 How easily editors lie."
 
 182 American XUtt ano Mumor 
 
 Mr. Greeley had a passion for showing 
 strangers around the Tribune establishment. 
 One day a couple of ladies called upon him, and 
 desired to be shown around. Mr. Greeley at 
 the time was in the counting room below the 
 sanctum. The sanctum messenger boy had 
 taken occasion, while Mr. Greeley was below, 
 to blow through the speaking tubes to the com- 
 posing room above. The man in charge, who 
 felt rather gouty that day, did not have his 
 feelings improved any when, in response to his 
 answer to Greeley's supposed "call," he was 
 fooled by the office boy, who asked him how he 
 felt, or some other trivial question. Two or 
 three times this was repeated within half an 
 hour, and he at last resolved to get square with 
 the boy. Soon Mr. Greeley entered his sanctum 
 with the ladies. After showing them about, he 
 said : " You see these pipes. I have only to 
 blow through this one, and the man in charge 
 of the composing room answers." Beckoning 
 for one of the ladies to approach, he blew 
 through the pipe and, directed her to place her 
 ear to the mouthpiece and listen to the answer, 
 when to his surprise and consternation there 
 came thundering down the pipe: "You d — n 
 little rascal, if you don't get away from that 
 pipe I will kick your head clean off."
 
 Hmertcan limit ano feumor 183 
 
 The Detroit Free Press says that if you fire 
 a shot-gun in any direction in this country you 
 will hit a poet ; to which an Ohio editor replies : 
 "We want a shot-gun." 
 
 A victim of Greeley's handwriting says : "If 
 Horace had written that inscription on the wall 
 in Babylon, Belshazzar would have been a good 
 deal more scared than he was." 
 
 A subscriber wishing to stop his paper wrote, 
 "I don't want your newspaper any longer." 
 To which the editor replied, " I wouldn't make 
 it any longer if you did." 
 
 A North Carolina editor declares that the 
 man who will read a newspaper three or four 
 years without paying for it will pasture a goat 
 on the grave of his grandfather.
 
 CHAPTER XI 
 
 Soldiers 
 
 " There is a skirmish of wit between them." 
 
 A soldier telling his mother of the terrible 
 fire at Chickamauga, was asked by her why he 
 did not get behind a tree. " Tree," said he, 
 " there wasn't enough for the officers ! " 
 
 George Washington was once at a dinner 
 party, where his host had set him with his back to 
 a fiery red-hot stove. Finding it quite too hot for 
 comfort, after some squirming, he beat a retreat 
 for a more comfortable position, at the same 
 time explaining the reason. "Why," said the 
 hostess, jocularly, "I thought an old general 
 like you could stand fire better than that." " I 
 never could stand a fire in my rear," replied 
 the general 
 
 Once during the war, Barnum was at Wash- 
 ington exhibiting Gen. Tom Thumb and Ad- 
 miral Nutt. Mr. Lincoln said : " You have 
 some pretty small generals, but I think I can 
 beat you." 
 
 184
 
 Bmerican lllit ano Ibumor las 
 
 Two Confederate soldiers were talking to- 
 gether, when one asked the other: "Where 
 was you enduring the war?" The other re- 
 plied, "I was twenty-four months in the army, 
 sir." " Yaas, wal, where was you enduring 
 that time?" "I was twenty-three months in 
 the hospital." "And where was you enduring 
 the. other month?" "I was looking for the 
 hospital." 
 
 A soldier who was an inveterate joker and 
 punster, having had his nose, left cheek and a 
 portion of his chin carried away by a shot, was 
 asked by some of his comrades if they could do 
 anything for him. "Boys," said he, speaking 
 as well as he could in his mangled condition, 
 " I should like a drink of water mighty well if I 
 only had the face to ask for it." 
 
 During the occupation of Egypt by the 
 British army, a colonel sauntering outside his 
 camp, near Gezireh palace, was hailed by a 
 sentry. " You must not go there, sir." " Do 
 
 you see who I am — Colonel ? " " Yes, 
 
 sir, I know. But the ' haram ladies ' are living in 
 that house, and the orders are from Sir Garnet 
 that he is not to be let in there himself, if he 
 wants to."
 
 186 American "CUltt anfc fjumor 
 
 A political orator speaking of a certain gen- 
 eral whom he admired, said he was always on 
 the field of battle, where bullets were the 
 thickest. "Where was that?" "In the am- 
 munition wagon." 
 
 When Col. Henry Wilson was in Boston, rais- 
 ing a regiment, during the war, a little fellow 
 one day presented himself at headquarters and 
 asked for a commission. 
 
 "Have you ever seen service?" asked Col- 
 onel Wilson. 
 
 " Yes, colonel, I was in the three months 
 service. 
 
 " Were you in the battle of Bull Run ? " 
 
 " I was, colonel." 
 
 Colonel Wilson has a delicate vein of humor 
 in him ; so, winking at his staff, he asked : 
 
 " And did you run well ? " 
 
 " I used diligence, colonel. I did the best I 
 could, but I couldn't keep up with you in that 
 hack." 
 
 "General," said an American major, "I 
 always observe that those persons who have a 
 great deal to say about being ready to shed their 
 last drop of blood, are amazin' partic'lar about 
 the first drop."
 
 Bmerican XUUt and Ibumor 187 
 
 Summing up : Captain, " What is the charge, 
 sergeant?" Sergeant, "This time it's drunken- 
 ness, sir. But this man is the most troublesome 
 fellow in the regiment, sir. He goes out when 
 he likes and gets drunk when he likes ; in fact, 
 he acts as if he might be a horficer ! " 
 
 During the recent war there were two volun- 
 teers lying beneath their blankets looking up at 
 the stars in a Virginia sky. Says Jack : " What 
 made you go into the army, Tom? " " Well," 
 replied Tom, " I had no wife, and I loved war. 
 What made you join the army, Jack ? ' ' 
 " Well," he replied, " I had a wife, and I loved 
 peace, so I went to the war." 
 
 A good story is told of a Quaker volunteer 
 who was in a Virginia skirmish. Coming into 
 pretty close quarters with a Secessionist he re- 
 marked : "Friend, 'tis very unfortunate, but 
 thee standest just where I am going to shoot," 
 and blazing away, down came his man.
 
 CHAPTER XII 
 
 Women 
 
 " She's all my fancy painted her, 
 She's lovely, she's divine." 
 
 The noblest pursuit of woman — an honest 
 man. 
 
 "Who was the meekest man?" asked a 
 Sunday-school teacher. " Moses." " Very well ; 
 who was the meekest woman?" "Never was 
 any." 
 
 Bacheloric exclamation — A lass ! 
 Maidenly exclamation — Ah men ! 
 
 A somewhat simple woman was asked whether 
 her husband feared God, and replied, " I guess 
 he does, for he never goes out Sundays without 
 taking his gun with him." 
 
 A Come-home husband club, four feet long 
 with a brush at the end of it, has been formed 
 by the ladies of a western city. 
 
 188
 
 American "CHUt ano tmmot 189 
 
 Consolation for old maids — Misfortunes never 
 come singly. 
 
 A near-sighted man was riding in an avenue 
 car the other day, when a lady opposite bowed 
 to him. He returned the bow, raised his hat, 
 smiled sweetly, and was just wondering who she 
 was, when she came over and whispered in his 
 ear: "Oh! I'll fix you for this, old man ! " 
 Then he knew it was his wife. 
 
 It is as difficult for a woman to give up her 
 glass as for a man. 
 
 A man went into a butcher's shop, and find- 
 ing the owner's wife in attendance, in the ab- 
 sence of her husband, thought he would have a 
 joke at her expense, and said, " Madam can 
 you supply me with a yard of pork? " " Yes, 
 sir," said she. And then turning to a boy, she 
 added, "James, give that gentleman three pigs' 
 feet!" 
 
 A bachelor says that if you hand a lady a 
 newspaper with a scrap cut out of it, not a line 
 of it will be read, but every bit of interest the 
 paper possesses is centred in finding out what 
 the missing scrap contains.
 
 190 Bmerlcan Witt anD Ibumot 
 
 A wearied young lady hastened the departure 
 of a tedious caller by remarking, as she looked 
 out of the window, "I think we arc going to 
 have a beautiful sunrise." 
 
 "Zachariah," said Mrs. Chandler, "what 
 smell is that?" "Cloves." "But that 
 other smell? " " Allspice." " But isn't there 
 another?" "Yes — apples." " And just one 
 more?" "Cider, my dear." "Well, Zach- 
 ariah," said she, "if you'd only drink a little 
 brandy now you'd make a good mince pie." 
 
 It isn't always the flower of the family that 
 makes the best bread. 
 
 A Buffalo paper tells of a lover who began to 
 propose to his girl just as his horse started to 
 run with the sleigh. Being determined to have 
 it over with he got it out just as the sleigh struck 
 a mile post. The girl was thrown high into the 
 air, but as she came down she uttered a firm 
 "Yes, Charlie," and then fainted. 
 
 It is time to stop talking about the softening 
 influence of women. A Massachusetts man who 
 has four wives has just been sent to the peniten- 
 tiary for stealing horses.
 
 Smertcan "©Hit ano "foumor 191 
 
 The only housework that some girls do is 
 when they begin to dust around after a beau. 
 
 As a wife was holding her husband's aching 
 head in her hands one morning, she asked : 
 "Are a man and his wife one?" "I suppose 
 so," said the husband. "Then," rejoined the 
 wife, " I came home drunk last night, and ought 
 to be ashamed of myself." 
 
 A strong-minded woman will always be 
 speaker of the house. 
 
 "I didn't at all expect company to-day," 
 said a lady to her visitors, with a not very 
 pleasant look, "but I hope you'll make your- 
 selves at home." "Yes, indeed, indeed," re- 
 plied one of them, starting off; "I will make 
 myself at home as quick as possible." 
 
 Miss Bacon, who lived out West, knew Beans 
 and married him. 
 
 A Milwaukee man is bent on going to sea. 
 He has been reading the Enoch Arden class of 
 stories till his soul is fired with ambition to be 
 wrecked and come home and find his wife 
 married to some other fellow.
 
 192 Bmerican lllit ano Ibumor 
 
 Some girls are like old muskets; they use a 
 good deal of powder but won't go off. 
 
 Young lady to a beau, of whose company she 
 is getting tired : "I hope you are not nervous, 
 because the clock has a queer effect on people. 
 All my gentlemen acquaintance start when it 
 strikes ten, and it's just going to strike : so if 
 you are nervous perhaps you had better go home 
 before it strikes." He went. 
 
 A spinster says she has faith that God dis- 
 poses, but is not so sure that man proposes ! 
 
 A clergyman lately addressed his female 
 auditory as follows: "Be not proud that the 
 blessed Lord paid your sex the distinguished 
 compliment of appearing first to a female after 
 the resurrection, for it was only done that the 
 glad tidings might spread all the sooner." 
 
 It has been noticed that nothing makes a 
 woman laugh so much as a new set of teeth. 
 
 A heartless bachelor gives the following toast : 
 " Woman — the morning star of infancy, the day 
 star of manhood, the evening star of old age ; 
 bless our stars and may they always be kept at a 
 telescopic distance."
 
 Bmerican Wit anD Ibumor 193 
 
 The difference between a woman and an um- 
 brella is, that you can shut up an umbrella. 
 
 A young man in Peoria sought to secure his 
 sweetheart by strategy ; so he took her out for a 
 boat ride and threatened to jump overboard into 
 the lake if she wouldn't marry him. It did not 
 work. She offered to bet him a dollar that he 
 daren't dive in. 
 
 A Toledo chap was quite smitten with his 
 neighbor's wife. She did it with a rollin-pin. 
 
 A Bridgeport lady remained too long on a 
 train to kiss a female friend, and trying to get 
 off after it had started, was thrown violently on 
 her face. " If ever I kiss anybody again!" 
 said she, vengefully, as she arose ; " any woman 
 at least," she thoughtfully added. 
 
 Our young ladies are never behind the fash- 
 ions ; but the fashions are very much behind 
 the ladies. 
 
 An exquisite lady inquired at a dry goods 
 store in Lewistown, Me., for a piece of goods 
 of the slumbering shade. The clerk replied 
 that he had none in the store, but he believed 
 there were several pieces snoring at the depot.
 
 1U4 Bmerican lUtt anD 'foumor 
 
 Matchless Maid, is the way a presumptuous 
 young man addressed a lady of a very uncertain 
 age. 
 
 Mrs. Millis was asked the other day how she 
 managed to get along so nicely with Mr. Millis, 
 and frankly replied: "Oh, I feed him well. 
 When a woman marries, her happiness for a lit- 
 tle while depends upon the state of her hus- 
 band's heart; after that, it's pretty much ac- 
 cording to the state of his stomach.' 
 
 Dr. Holmes says that crying widows marry 
 first. There is nothing like wet weather for 
 transplanting. 
 
 A nice old lady, apparently just arrived on a 
 train from the country, entered the refreshment 
 rooms at the Springfield, Mass., railroad station, 
 the other day, and said, she had left her para- 
 sol on the settee. A general search commenced 
 and lasted for some time. Finally one of the 
 waiters asked the old dame " when she left it," to 
 which she answered, after counting upon her 
 fingers, " Well, it was just three years ago last 
 Fourth of July." There was a general roar 
 much to the astonishment of the old lady, who 
 went away with a very puzzled look upon her 
 countenance.
 
 american Mit ano jHumor 195 
 
 " Do make yourselves at home, ladies," said a 
 lady one day to her visitors. "I'm at home 
 myself, and I wish you all were." 
 
 Fanny Fern says that when she sees a pretty 
 man, with an apple head, and raspberry mous- 
 tache with six hairs in it, paint on his cheeks, 
 and a little dot of a goatee on his chin, with 
 pretty little blinking studs in his shirt bosom, 
 and a little neck-tie that looks as if it would 
 faint if it were rumpled, she always feels a de- 
 sire to nip him with a pair of sugar tongs, drop 
 him gently into a pot of cream and strew pink 
 rose leaves over the little remains. 
 
 When a young lady offers to hem a cambric 
 handkerchief for a rich bachelor she means to 
 sew in order that she may reap. 
 
 Country bookseller to Fourth street woman, 
 "Yes; but the work is both instructive and 
 humorous." Fourth street woman, "That ain't 
 the point. You see my husband has crippled so 
 many agents, and you're a nice looking young 
 man, and I hate to see you hurt ! That's him 
 coming in the back way ! " The young man said 
 there was nothing compulsory about it, and was 
 gone.
 
 196 Bmertcan IWit anO toumor 
 
 Lately a western young lady had occasion to 
 inform a young gentleman that her hand was 
 not a lemon. 
 
 A lady returning from an unprofitable visit to 
 church declared that when she saw the shawls 
 of those Smiths, and then thought of the things 
 her own poor girls had to wear, if it wasn't for 
 the consolation of religion she did not know 
 what she should do. 
 
 How to become practically acquainted with 
 the Rule of Three — Live with your wife, mother, 
 and mother-in-law. 
 
 There was a New York husband who went to 
 Paris often, without his wife, and with his weak- 
 nesses ; but he always brought her back some 
 choice gem of a present, a silk gown, a box of 
 gloves, or a "duck of a bonnet." On his last 
 return he was more bountiful than ever, surpris- 
 ing her with a magnificent lace shawl that must 
 have cost $700 or $800. "What a dear, gen- 
 erous husband you are, Charley," said she, her 
 soul gloating in anticipation at the envy of all 
 her rivals, "but really, how bad you must have 
 been in Paris this last time ! " Charley whistled, 
 and thought it was time to go " down town."
 
 american *WHit anD ibumor 197 
 
 An Iowa lady believes in life insurance, as by- 
 its agency she has realized $50,000 off two hus- 
 bands, and not very good ones at that. 
 
 A writer in the Milwaukee Sentinel deserves 
 the respectful sympathy of all gentlemen who 
 give out their washing. He says : " It is awful 
 annoying to have some other fellow's clothes left 
 in one's room by the washerwoman. Saturday 
 we put on another fellow's shirt, but couldn't 
 wear it. Although it was ruffled around the 
 bottom, the sleeves were too short to button 
 cuffs on, and there was no place for a collar." 
 
 An elderly lady, who lives a short distance 
 from Hudson, hearing it said that matches were 
 made in heaven, remarked that she didn't care 
 how soon she got there. 
 
 Jones and his wife were always quarreling 
 about their comparative talent for keeping a fire. 
 She insisted that just so surely as he tried to re- 
 arrange the sticks with the tongs he put the fire 
 out. One night the church bells sounded an 
 alarm, and Jones sprang for his fire bucket, 
 eager to rush to the conflagration. "Mr. 
 Jones," cried his wife, as he reached the door, 
 " Mr. Jones ! Take the tongs."
 
 198 Bmcrican "UHit anO Ibumor 
 
 A New York man has christened his daughter 
 Glycerine. He says it will be easy to prefix 
 nitro if her temper resembles her mother's. 
 
 A very dirty, debased and ignorant looking 
 man came in to vote in a township of Michigan. 
 Said one of the ladies, offering him a ballot, 
 "I wish you would oblige us by voting this 
 ticket." " What kind of a ticket is that ? " said 
 he. " Why," said the lady, " you can see your- 
 self." "But 1 can't read," he answered. 
 " Why, can't you read the ballot you have there 
 in your hand which you are about to vote ? " the 
 lady asked. "No," said he, "I can't read at 
 all." " Well," said the lady, " this ballot means 
 that you are willing to let the women as well as 
 the men vote." "Is that it?" he replied, 
 "then I don't want it, the women don't know 
 enough to vote." 
 
 A fair and buxom New England widow who 
 had buried three husbands recently went with 
 a gentleman, who paid her marked attention, to 
 inspect the graves of her dear departeds. After 
 contemplating them in mournful silence she mur- 
 mured to her companion, "Ah, James, you 
 might have been in that row now if you had 
 only had a little more courage."
 
 Bmerlcan "Wait ano Ibumor 199 
 
 Miss Tomkins says that every unmarried lady 
 of forty has passed the Cape of Good Hope. 
 
 An old lady of Connecticut, who lost her 
 purse a short time since at New Haven, declared 
 on its being restored to her that she would not 
 attempt to interfere with the reward that was 
 stored up in heaven for the finder, by offering 
 him money. 
 
 Young Lady (at the post office), — " If I don't 
 get a letter by this mail, I want to know what 
 he was doing Sunday, that's all." 
 
 " When I goes a-shopping," said an old lady, 
 "I allers ask for what I wants, and if they 
 have it, and it is suitable, and I feel inclined to 
 buy it, and it is cheap, and can't be got for 
 less, I most allers take it, without clappering all 
 day about it, as some people do." 
 
 A crusty old bachelor's objection to ladies 
 with beautiful teeth is that nine out of ten of 
 them would laugh at a funeral. 
 
 Josh Billings cannot see what women want 
 any more rights for ; she beat the first man born 
 into the world out of a dead sure thing, and she 
 can beat the last man with the same cards.
 
 300 Bmerican VOUt ano Ibumor 
 
 There is a young lady in Yorkshire named 
 Price who is six feet five inches high. Peopk 
 say there are women above price. 
 
 Recently in one of the city churches the 
 theme was the creation. In one of the aduU 
 classes the teacher inquired why God created 
 man last ; whereupon a married lady suggested 
 that is was evident that God didn't want hiir 
 bothering around. 
 
 The woman who said the latest thing out was 
 her husband, was answered by her neighbor, 
 who said that her husband always came home 
 early — before any one was up. 
 
 A girl at Osage, Iowa, whose ears are grown 
 up, has no method of hearing except through 
 her mouth. When a young man is talking, she 
 keeps saying "yes," for fear he might, you 
 know, propose to her, and she not hear it. 
 
 A finely dressed lady slipped and fell, and the 
 man who assisted her to her feet inquired, " Did 
 you break any bones, madam ? " " No, I guess 
 not," she replied ; " but I am just as mad as if I 
 had broken a dozen of them."
 
 Rmerican "Wait anD tmmor 201 
 
 A daily paper advertises for girls for cooking. 
 A cotemporary replies: "You will like them 
 raw when you get accustomed to them." 
 
 Who can refrain from smiling at the story of 
 the young lady who, after delivering a lecture in 
 Springfield the other evening on dress reform, 
 went to sit down, and couldn't get within six 
 inches of the chair? 
 
 If a woman could talk out of the two corners 
 of her mouth at the same time, there would be 
 a good deal to be said on both sides. 
 
 Olive Logan is about to lecture on "Nice 
 Young Men," but before doing so, has made 
 arrangements to marry one of them. Wirt 
 Sikes is the victim, but fortunately for him, he 
 is hard of hearing. 
 
 A western exchange says Mishawaka girls 
 take comfort in the fact that Naomi, daughter 
 of Enoch, was 580 years old when she married. 
 
 There is no time when a woman so thoroughly 
 commands the respect of a man as when she is 
 about to throw a stone at a hen. Especially is 
 this the case if he happens to be standing behind 
 her, and is lame in one leg.
 
 202 Bmerican "WHit anD ibumot 
 
 Wives are presumptuous creatures. They 
 always ask for a lock of their lover's hair before 
 marriage, and take it without asking afterward. 
 
 "My dear Julia," said one pretty girl to 
 another, "can you make up your mind to 
 marry that odious Mr. Snuff?" "Why, my 
 dear Mary," replied Julia, "I believe I could 
 take him at a pinch." 
 
 Mrs. Snidkins says her husband is a three- 
 handed man — right hand, left hand and a little 
 behind hand. 
 
 The following toast was pronounced at a fire- 
 men's dinner, and was received with great 
 applause : 
 
 " The ladies — their eyes kindle the only flame 
 against which there is no insurance." 
 
 A good-natured spinster used to boast that 
 she always had two good beaux — they were 
 elbows. 
 
 A young lady in Kansas, while chewing gum 
 recently, was struck with paralysis in the jaw 
 and rendered speechless. She immediately had 
 four proposals on the spot.
 
 Bmertcan Wit anD (bumor 203 
 
 A Washington woman has applied to be ap- 
 pointed a constable, despairing of catching a 
 man in any other way. 
 
 A young lady sent the following epistle to her 
 masculine friend the other day, saying, ' ' Come 
 and play youcur with me this evening." He 
 got mad, and said the girl who had such spells 
 as that was no right bower for him. 
 
 The old maxim that "man proposes," is 
 flatly contradicted by Massachusetts spinsters 
 who only wish he did. 
 
 Said a gentleman to his mistress, " You are 
 very handsome." " Phooh ! " said the lady, 
 "so you would say if you did not think so." 
 "And so you would think," answered he, 
 "though I should not say so." 
 
 Somebody advertises for a good girl to cook. 
 We have seen some that looked good enough to 
 eat raw. 
 
 Twenty-seven Nashville ladies determined to 
 practice economy, vowed not to wear anything 
 more expensive than calico dresses to church, 
 and stuck to it, as none of them have attended 
 church since.
 
 204 Bmcrfcan XUit anc Ibumor 
 
 Twenty-one girls of Kenosha, Wis., have re- 
 solved, that if the young men won't come and 
 see us, we will go and see them. 
 
 Lucy writes from Brooklyn to say that she 
 don't object to a good looking gentleman 
 gazing square in her face, but that it does make 
 her mad when she looks back to see him staring 
 back too. 
 
 A lady, on separating from her husband, 
 changed her religion, she said, to avoid his 
 company in the next world as well as this. 
 
 i exchange says the majority of women care 
 but little about suffrage. If the backs of car 
 seats could only be hollowed out so as to admit 
 of their bustles lapping over, the ballot might go 
 to thunder for all they care. 
 
 If there is one time more than another when 
 a woman should be entirely alone it is when a 
 line full of clothes comes down in the mud. 
 
 An Atchison, Kan., girl ate four pounds of 
 wedding cake in order that she might dream of 
 her future husband. And now she says that 
 money wouldn't hire her to marry the man she 
 saw in that dream.
 
 Bmerican "Wflit anC» Ibumor 205 
 
 A young lady being asked by a rich old 
 bachelor, "If not yourself, who would you 
 rather be?" blushed, as she sweetly replied, 
 "Yours, truly." 
 
 A Boston girl being asked if she was once 
 engaged to a Harvard student named Jackson, 
 languidly replied, "I am not certain about the 
 name." 
 
 It is now claimed that the architect of 
 the great Chinese wall was a woman ; but a 
 woman wouldn't do anything to keep men out 
 in that way. 
 
 "I'd hate to be in your shoes," said a woman 
 yesterday, as she was quarreling with a neighbor. 
 ''You couldn't get in them," sarcastically re- 
 marked the neighbor. 
 
 In a letter to a friend a Springfield young 
 lady states that she is not engaged, but she sees 
 a cloud above the horizon about as large as a 
 man's hand.
 
 CHAPTER XIII 
 
 Negro 
 
 " All nature wears one universal grin." 
 
 A Chicago negro in his prayer, remembered 
 De white element in our population." 
 
 A colored gentleman went to consult one of 
 the most conscientious lawyers, and after stating 
 
 the case, said, " Now, Mr. , I know you's 
 
 a lawyer, but I wish you would please, sir, jist 
 tell me de truf 'bout dis matter." 
 
 "Bredren," said a darky in a prayer-meet- 
 ing, " I feel's if I could talk more good in five 
 minutes dan I could do in a year." 
 
 As four or five darkies were passing an agri- 
 cultural implement store down south, one of 
 them, pointing to a cultivator, said : " A man 
 can jist sit on dat thing and ride while he is 
 ploughing." "Golly," replied the other, " de 
 rascals was too sharp to think of dat 'fore de 
 nigger was free." 
 
 206
 
 Bmerican "Wait ano Ibumor 207 
 
 Little darky to the clerk at the window of a 
 southern post office: "Does dis yer pos' offis 
 keep stamped antelopes ? " 
 
 A colored preacher, in translating to his 
 hearers the sentence, "The harvest is over, the 
 season is ended, and thy soul is not saved," 
 put it: "De corn has been cribbed, dere ain't 
 any more work, and the debbil is still foolin' 
 wid dis community." 
 
 " What is de use'n a man boastin' 'bout his 
 fore fadders ? I know de great gran'son ob a 
 African king dat is now cleanin' out wells fur a 
 livin'." 
 
 The Rev. Dr. McCosh, of Princeton college, 
 tells a story of a negro who prayed earnestly 
 that he and his colored brethren might be pre- 
 served from their upsettin' sins. " Brudder," 
 said one of his friends at the close of the meet- 
 ing, "you ain't got de hang ob dat ar word. 
 It's besettin', not upsettin'." "Brudder," re- 
 plied the other, "if dat's so it's so. But I was 
 prayin' de Lord to save us from de sin ob 
 'toxication, an' ef dat ain't an upsettin' sin I 
 dunno what am."
 
 208 American lUit ano Ummor 
 
 " De new preacher is mo' larnt dan Mistuh 
 Boles was; but, Lor' bless you, sah ! he ain't 
 got de doleful sound like Mistuh Boles had. 
 No, indeed y ! " 
 
 One-eyed Winston was and probably is now 
 a negro preacher in Virginia, and his ideas of 
 theology and human nature were often very 
 original, as the following anecdote may prove. 
 A gentleman thus accosted the old preacher one 
 Sunday: "Winston, I understand you believe 
 every woman has seven devils. Now how can 
 you prove it?" "Well sah, did you ebber 
 read in de Bible how de seben debbels were cast 
 out 'er Mary Magdalen?" "Oh, yes, I've 
 heard of that." "Did you ebber hear of 'em 
 being cast out of any other woman, sah?" 
 "No, I never did." " Well den, de others got 
 'em yet." 
 
 A bare-footed darky while hoeing cotton one 
 day, saw his big toe under a clod, and, thinking 
 it was a mole's head, hit it and hurt himself. 
 After working with it for a while he got tired, 
 set his foot on a stump and said: "Well, jes 
 pain away now; I doesn't care, you hurts yeself 
 in ye do me."
 
 Bmerfcan "Mix and Ibumor 209 
 
 An negro teamster in Nashville declares that 
 he must either give up driving mules or with- 
 draw from the church, the two positions being 
 incompatible. 
 
 An old darky who was. asked if in his ex- 
 perience prayer was ever answered, replied : 
 "Well, sah, some pra'rs is ansud an' some isn't 
 — 'pends on what you asks fo'. Jest arter de 
 wah, w'en it was mighty hard scratchin' fo' de 
 culled bredden, I 'dsarved dat w'enebber I pway 
 de Lo'd to sen' one o' Marse Peyton's fat 
 turkeys fo' de ole man, dere was no notice took 
 ob de partition ; but w'en I pway dat He would 
 sen' de ole man fo' de turkey, de mattee was 
 'tended to befo' sun-up nex mornin', dead 
 
 sartin." 
 
 "Did you see dat hoss you was talkin' of 
 buyin' ? " asked one Austin darky of another. 
 " Yes, I seed him." " Did you buy de hoss ? " 
 "No, I didn't buy him, bekase dar was no 
 mutuality." "What do yer mean, niggah ? " 
 "Dar was no mutuality. I seed enuff ob de 
 hoss, but de hoss didn't see enuff ob me. He 
 was blinn in one eye. Dar has to be more 
 mutuality in a hoss trade."
 
 210 Bmerlcati mm anD ibumor 
 
 A colored Mrs. Partington of New Orleans 
 observed the other day that her husband held 
 the " stinguished position of stupidnumerary on 
 the metropelican police." 
 
 A colored man was once asked why he did 
 not get married. "Why, you see, sah," said 
 he, "I got an old mudder, an' I hab to do for 
 her you see, sah, an' ef I didn't buy her shoes 
 and stockings, she wouldn't get none. Now ef 
 I was to git married, I would hab to buy dem 
 tings for my wife, and dat would be takin' de 
 shoes an' stockings right out of my old mudder's 
 mouf." 
 
 A exchange tells of a negro who insisted that 
 his race was mentioned in the Bible. He said 
 he had heard the preacher read about how Nig- 
 ger Demus wanted to be born again. 
 
 " Sam, why don't you talk to massa, and tell 
 him to lay up treasures in heaven?" " What 
 de use ob laying up treasures dar, where he 
 neber see um again ! " 
 
 " Howdy, Aunt Maria," said a Georgia lady 
 to an old colored lady. "I ain't yer ant, 
 missus," loftily replied the aged female, "and I 
 ain't yer uncle. I'se yer ekal ! "
 
 Bmetican TlXHit an? Ibumor 211 
 
 The present style of weather recalls the re- 
 mark of a sable brother, that he had mos' allers 
 noticed if he lived fro de month of March he 
 lived fro de year. 
 
 A minister had a negro in his family. One 
 Sunday when he was preaching, he happened to 
 look in the pew where the negro was, and could 
 hardly contain himself as he saw the negro, who 
 could not read or write a word, scribbling away 
 most industriously. After meeting, he said to 
 the negro : " Tom, what were you doing in the 
 church?" "Taking notes, massa; all de 
 gemmen take notes. " "Bring your notes here, ' ' 
 said his master. Tom brought his notes, which 
 looked more like Chinese than English. " Why, 
 Tom, this is all nonsense." "I thought so, 
 massa, all the time you was preaching it." 
 
 A couple of members of the darky con- 
 ference were passing down the avenue, when one 
 of them trod on the indigestible portion of a 
 pear, and as his number elevens went up the 
 rest of his body correspondingly lowered. " Ki 
 yah, brudder Jones, is you fallen from grace ? ' ' 
 chuckled his companion. " Not perzactly, 
 deacon, I'se sittin' on de ragged edge of dis 
 pear."
 
 212 Smertcan XGM ano tbumor 
 
 " De shanghigh chicken 'minds me ob certain 
 men dat I'se seed. He crows might loud an' 
 brags around 'mong de hens an' young chick- 
 ens ; but when a game rooster around, he's got 
 business on de udder side ob de fence." 
 
 An old negro named Pete was very much 
 troubled about his sins. Perceiving him one 
 day with a very downcast countenance his 
 master asked him the cause. " Oh, massa, I'm 
 such a great sinner!" "But Pete," said his 
 master, " you are foolish to take it so to heart. 
 You never see me troubled about my sins." 
 " I know the reason, massa," said Pete, " when 
 you go out duck shooting and kill one duck and 
 wound another, dcn't you run after the 
 wounded duck?" "Yes, Pete;" and the 
 master wondered what was coming next. 
 "Well, massa, dat is de way wid you an' me. 
 De debil has got you sure ; but, as he am not 
 sure of me, he chases dis chile all de time." 
 
 An old darky fishing on a wharf at Galveston 
 was heard talking to the fish he saw swimming 
 around his line in this fashion : " Give me a 
 bite, honey ; de children am a crying down to 
 my house, and I tell you it's fish or nothin' in 
 dat establishment."
 
 B nierican lUlit ano Ibumoc 213 
 
 A negress speaking of one of her children 
 who was lighter colored than the rest said, "I 
 nebber could bear dat brat 'cause he show dirt 
 so easy." 
 
 An old negro waiter who met Governor Vance 
 in a hotel in Philadelphia was a good theologian. 
 The governor had known him "down south," 
 and, having made a few pleasant remarks began 
 to twit him about religious matters. " Well 
 now, Joe," said the governor, "do you really 
 believe in this election by God, that you speak 
 of?" "Deed I do, Massa Vance," said the 
 negro, seriously, with a shake of the head. 
 " Well, do you think I am elected to be saved ? " 
 " 'Scasely know, Massa Vance; but I nebber 
 heard of any one being 'lected that wasn't a 
 canderdate." 
 
 A St. Louis lady has a lovely daughter, and 
 takes boarders. One of the nice young men is 
 sweet on Bella, and coming home the other 
 night he saw a light, graceful form sweep past 
 him in the hall and heard the seductive rustle 
 of crinoline. He knew that form and clasped 
 it to his heart, imprinting impassioned kisses on 
 its lips, he dropped it when he heard these 
 words : " Hurry up, massa George. I's got to 
 hurry after soft soap."
 
 214 Bmedcan Witt ano jHumor 
 
 A negro was put upon the stand as a witness, 
 and the judge inquired if he understood the na- 
 ture of an oath. "For certing, boss," said the 
 citizen; " if / swear to a lie, / must stick to 
 him ! *' 
 
 " I say, mammy, didn't yo' tell Peleg dat he 
 mustn't go in bavin?" " Yo're right, I did, 
 chile ! has yo' been disobeyin' my 'structions, 
 Peleg?" "No, mammy, I hasn't! I 'clare to 
 goodness I hasn't been in bavin. Yo' see I put 
 on Uncle Josh's britches by mistake dis mornin', 
 an' dere were sich a heap o' looseness to 'em 
 that when I un'ertook ter jump ober de brook 
 dey dropped off an' I hatter guin arter 'em. 
 Oh, no, I hasn't been bavin, mammy ! " 
 
 An old negro woman in Kentucky was heard 
 to exclaim : " Thomas Jefferson, you and James 
 Madison come into the house, and bring Abe 
 Lincoln along with you, or I'll reach for you, 
 suah." 
 
 A Florida negro mistook a mule for a ghost, 
 and poked it with a stick. The verdict re- 
 turned was that he came to his death by using 
 too short a stick in probing the unknowable for 
 evidences of a future existence.
 
 Bmerlcan limit ano tbumor 2is> 
 
 A negro witness in a trial the other day was 
 asked what he was doing in a certain saloon at 
 a certain time. He explained that he had gone 
 there to change his breff. The explanation was 
 accepted. 
 
 Two colored preachers were in the pulpit 
 together. While one was preaching he hap- 
 pened to say, "When Abraham built the ark." 
 The one behind him strove to correct his 
 blunder by saying out loud, " Abraham warn't 
 there." But the speaker pushed on heedless of 
 the interruption, and only took occasion to 
 repeat, still more decidedly, " I say when 
 Abraham built the ark." " And I say," cried 
 out the other, "Abraham warn't thar." The 
 preacher was too hard to be beaten down in this 
 way, and addressing the people, exclaimed, with 
 great indignation, " I say Abraham was thar or 
 thar abouts." 
 
 A countryman in Savannah observed a gang 
 of darkies laboring on the streets, each wearing 
 a ball and chain. He asked one why that ball 
 was chained to his leg. "To keep people from 
 stealing it," said the darky; " heap of thieves, 
 about here."
 
 216 Bmerican limit and t>umor 
 
 The politest of all darkies lives near Newark. 
 When he meets a gentleman of his own color by 
 moonlight he says: "Mr. Sam, do you know 
 any place in the neighborhood whar a gemman 
 might borrow a chicken? " 
 
 A colored man applied to a Boston savings 
 bank, wishing to draw one dollar. The clerk 
 informed him that the iron rule of the institu- 
 tion forbid the withdrawal of less than three dol- 
 lars. Our colored brother was in deep study for 
 a few moments, and then said : " Sar, I'll take 
 the free dollars." The three dollars were paid 
 him, when he once more added: "Now, sar, 
 if yer please, sar, I'll 'poset two dollars in the 
 institution." The amount was duly received 
 and credited, when, with his loose dollar in his 
 pocket, he gave the clerk a sly wink, and walked 
 away. 
 
 " Fellow-trabelers, " said a colored preacher, 
 "ef I had been eatin' dried apples for a week, 
 and then took to drinkin' for a monf, I couldn't 
 feel more swelled up dan I am dis minit wid 
 pride and wanity at seem* such full 'tendance 
 har dis evenin'."
 
 Bmcrican Witt ano IHumor 217 
 
 The Georgia negro has no more faith in 
 banks. He lays his money out in store clothes 
 and hair oil, and the news of a bank suspension 
 causes him to exclaim : " Bust away wid ye, 
 but you can't hurt dese lavendar pants." 
 
 After shaking hands at the ferry dock the 
 other day, one colored man inquired of another : 
 "Didn't you marry de widow Jones about de 
 first of Jinuary?" "Dat's me — I did," was the 
 answer; "but I've dun left her." "Why, 
 how's dat?" "Well, de fust week she called 
 me honey : de next week she sulked around and 
 called me old Richards ; the third week she cum 
 for me wid a fiatiron and broke two ribs, and 
 I'm gwine to keep right away from dar."
 
 CHAPTER XIV 
 
 Miscellaneous 
 " Let it serve for table-talk." 
 A dead set — the corset. 
 
 A Chicago dry goods dealer advertises the 
 most alarming sacrifice since the days of Abra- 
 ham and Isaac. 
 
 Preferred creditors — those that don't dun. 
 
 The governor of Rhode Island has forbidden 
 boys to go on stilts, least they straddle the 
 State. 
 
 A sad dog — one who tarries long at his 
 whine. 
 
 But few men can handle a hot lamp chimney 
 and say there is no place like home, at the same 
 time. 
 
 The father of twin babies needs no alarm 
 clock. 
 
 218
 
 Bmerican TKMt ano Dumot 219 
 
 Self-made men are very apt to worship their 
 maker. 
 
 Mark Twain denies that his Gilded Age was 
 a failure. He says it gave a poor, worthy book- 
 binder a job. 
 
 When you bury a quarrel do not put up a 
 tombstone. 
 
 One would imagine Jack Frost had always a 
 good story to tell, he is so successful at getting 
 the ear of a person. 
 
 If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his 
 children a drum. 
 
 The positive, comparative, superlative degree 
 for getting on in this world are, get on, get 
 honor, get honest. 
 
 Age before beauty — old folks should go to 
 bed at nine o'clock. 
 
 " I have a theory about the dead languages," 
 said a new student. "What is it? " asked the 
 professor. " That they were killed by being 
 studied too hard."
 
 220 Bmertcan tUit ano "toumor 
 
 Never wait for anything to turn up, but go 
 and turn it up yourself. 
 
 A lecturer on optics, in explaining the mechan- 
 ism of the organ of vision, remarked: "Let 
 any man gaze closely into his wife's eye, and he 
 will see himself looking so exceedingly small 
 
 that " here the lecturer's voice was drowned 
 
 by the shouts of laughter and applause which 
 greeted his scientific remark. 
 
 It makes a great difference whether glasses are 
 over or under the nose. 
 
 A demure looking chap hailed a charcoal 
 peddler with the query, "Have you got char- 
 coal in your wagon?" " Yes, sir," said the 
 expectant driver, stopping his horses. " That's 
 right," observed the demure chap, with an ap- 
 proving nod ; " always tell the truth and people 
 will respect you ! " And he hurried on, much 
 to the regret of the peddler, who was getting 
 out of the wagon to look for a brick. 
 
 A grocer recently had a pound of sugar re- 
 turned, with a note stating that it contained too 
 much sand for table use, and not enough for 
 building purposes.
 
 Bmerican ITOtt an& Dumot 221 
 
 A saucy young widow says she is in the 
 honeymoon of her widowhood. 
 
 A man who was boasting of the unusual 
 height of his relation was annoyed by one of the 
 company, who said he had a brother twelve feet 
 high. "Impossible?" snarled the boaster. 
 " Well, two halves make a whole, don't they? " 
 asked the other. "Yes," was the reply. 
 " Well then, I've got two half-brothers, each of 
 whom is six feet high," was the logical re- 
 joinder. 
 
 If you are in doubt whether to kiss a pretty 
 girl, give her the benefit of the doubt. 
 
 Neal Dow was called into the Portland police 
 station, Saturday night, to confront a tipsy book 
 agent who insisted that they drank brandy and 
 water together on a Sound boat recently. When 
 the irate apostle of temperance got there, the 
 fellow explained that he drank the brandy and 
 Dow the water. 
 
 A poor henpecked husband said his wife took 
 her hair off so easily, that perhaps she didn't 
 know how it hurt him to have his hair pulled 
 out.
 
 222 amertcan TKflit ano Ibumor 
 
 A westerner describes a man with a quivering 
 eyelid, as one who stutters in his left eye. 
 
 " Cannot something be done to prevent young 
 ladies from being insulted on our streets at 
 night?" asks a Cincinnati paper. There can. 
 Just have the girl's mother tuck her into her 
 little bed about eight o'clock in the evening, and 
 lock the door on her. 
 
 A drunken Toledo man wrote on the wall of 
 his cell "jug not that ye be not jugged." 
 
 An exquisitely dressed young gentleman, 
 after buying another seal to dangle about his 
 person, said to the jeweler that he would — ah, 
 like to have — ah, something engraved on it — ah, 
 to denote what he was ! " Certainly, certainly," 
 said the tradesman ; " I'll put a cipher on it." 
 
 Don't take too much interest in the affairs of 
 your neighbors. Six per cent, will do. 
 
 When we see a young lady and gent singing, 
 "What will the Harvest Be," with their heads 
 so close together that the chorus is interrupted 
 with a noise like the bursting of a drum head, 
 we can give a pretty good guess on the subject.
 
 Smertcan Witt an& Ibumor 223 
 
 Punch says he has observed that the un- 
 fortunate man's friends live a long way off. 
 
 Daniel Webster once good-naturedly wrote a 
 letter for an ignorant servant, and when he had 
 asked him, " Is there anything else you wish to 
 say, Mike?" the man scratched his head and 
 finally said, " Yes, if you please. Just say they 
 must excuse the poor scholarship and want of 
 sense the letter shows." 
 
 Some people say that dark-haired women 
 marry first. We differ ; it is the light-headed 
 ones. 
 
 Boarder, " What large chickens these are ! " 
 Landlady, " Yes, chickens are larger than they 
 used to be ; ten years ago we couldn't pretend 
 to get chickens as large as these." Boarder 
 (with an innocent air,) " No, I suppose not ; 
 these must have grown a good deal in that time." 
 
 Falling in love is like falling into a river, it is 
 much easier getting in than out. 
 
 Somebody advertises in one of the Westfield 
 papers for a servant girl who would not be above 
 placing herself on an equality with the rest of 
 the family.
 
 224 American Wit anJ> tbumor 
 
 Never laugh at a man with a pug nose ; you 
 don't know what may turn up. 
 
 Two boarding-house keepers are comparing 
 notes. "It 'pears to me, Mrs. Miggles, that 
 your chicken salad is never found out — least- 
 ways I never heard any of the boarders com- 
 plain." "You see," explained Mrs. Miggles, 
 " I alius chop up a few feathers with the veal." 
 
 There is a time for all things. The time to 
 leave is when a young lady asks you how the 
 walking is. 
 
 Together they were looking over the paper. 
 "What is it?" he asked. "Why there's an 
 advertisement that says, ' No reasonable offers 
 refused.'" "What's so odd about that?" 
 " Nothing, nothing," she replied, trying to 
 blush, "only those are exactly my sentiments." 
 
 The good of a man's life cannot be measured 
 by the length of his funeral procession. 
 
 A gentleman of Ottawa gave an order for a 
 silver-mounted claret jug to a Montreal dealer, 
 instructing him to send it by express marked 
 C. O. D. A couple of days ago the jug arrived 
 engraved in beautiful large letters " C. O. D."
 
 American '«att ano Ibumor 225 
 
 If you let a cat out of the bag never try to 
 cram it back again ; it only makes matters 
 worse. 
 
 An aristocratic New Yorker, on being re- 
 quested by a rich and vulgar young fellow for 
 permission to marry one of his girls, gave this 
 rather crushing reply : "Certainly; which would 
 you prefer, the housemaid or the cook ? ' ' 
 
 A cross-eyed minister should never get up 
 and read the hymn, " I will guide thee with 
 mine eyes." 
 
 A man desirous of having a tooth extracted 
 recently took ether, and as he began to regain 
 consciousness, inquired, " Where ami?" "In 
 jail for killing your wife," responded the face- 
 tious dentist. " In jail for killing my wife ! I 
 always thought it would come to that." 
 
 When you go to drown yourself, always pull 
 off your clothes ; they may fit your wife's second 
 husband. 
 
 It was a Boston lady who described her faith- 
 less lover's mouth as "stretching across the 
 wide desolation of his face, the sepulchre of ice 
 cream and the geyser of falsehood."
 
 226 Hmerican *GQtt anfc •foumor 
 
 The difference between a boy and a barn is 
 that shingles are applied to the roof of the barn. 
 
 See how wonderful are the ways of nature in 
 Illinois : A pair of boots cost just two loads of 
 potatoes, and to raise the potatoes just wears out 
 a pair of boots. 
 
 Time works wonders, as the woman said 
 when she got married after a thirteen years' 
 courtship. 
 
 A good deacon making official visit to a dying 
 neighbor, who was a very churlish and universally 
 unpopular man, put the usual question : "Are 
 you willing to go, my friend?" "Oh, yes," 
 said the sick man, " I am." "Well," said the 
 simple-minded deacon, "I am glad you are, for 
 all the neighbors are willing." 
 
 When a dead man is spoken of as the late Mr. 
 Smith, the inference is that he did not die early 
 enough. 
 
 A bookbinder said to his wife at the wedding, 
 " It seems that now we are bound together, two 
 volumes in one, with clasps." "Yes," ob- 
 served a guest, "one side highly ornamented 
 with Turkey morocco and the other plain calf."
 
 Bmerican 10Ut ano Ibumor 227 
 
 Blessed are they that are ignorant ; for they 
 are happy in thinking that they know every- 
 thing. 
 
 " I tell you," said the canvasser, "you have 
 no idea of the hard work there is in this busi- 
 ness. It is either talking or walking from morn- 
 ing till night." "Beg pardon," replied the 
 victim. "I have a pretty distinct idea of the 
 talking part of your programme. Now please 
 favor me with an exhibition of the walking 
 part." 
 
 An ill-natured, fussy man is like a tallow 
 candle. He always sputters and smokes when 
 he is put out. 
 
 Two gentlemen were complimenting each 
 other on their habits of temperance. " Did 
 you ever, neighbor," said one, "see me with 
 more than I could carry?" "No, indeed," 
 was the reply, "but I have seen you when I 
 thought you had better gone twice after it." 
 
 " Utah may have its plural wives," observes 
 Mr. Quilp ; " but other parts of the country have 
 very singular ones."
 
 228 American Mit ano Unimor 
 
 The churches were filled on Sunday — thanks 
 to the milliners. 
 
 An inebriate stranger precipitated himself 
 down the depot stairs, and, on striking the land- 
 ing reproachfully apostrophized himself with : 
 "If you'd been a waitin' to come downstairs, 
 why'n thunder didn't you say so, you wooden- 
 headed old fool an' I'd a come with you and 
 showed you the way." 
 
 The discussion of eternal punishment promises 
 to last forever. 
 
 Dr. Johnson, the lexicographer, was once 
 assailed by a fishwoman with foul epithets. 
 Whereupon he turned upon her, and berated her 
 terribly. He called her a noun, an adverb, an 
 interjection, an adjective, and thus like, until 
 she waxed as mad as a hornet. 
 
 Civilized cannibalism — Eating your bread 
 with a little Indian in it. 
 
 A printer's devil says his lot is a hard one ; 
 at his boarding-house they charge him with all 
 the pie they can't find, and at the office they 
 charge him with all the pi they do find.
 
 Bmerican THIUt an& fsumor 229 
 
 Engaging photographer — "Just look a little 
 pleasanter, miss! think of 'im." 
 
 " Why is this called Jacob's Ladder? " asked 
 a charming woman, as she and he were g 
 up the steepest part of the Mount Washingion 
 Railway. "Because," he replied with a look 
 that emphasized his words, "there are angels 
 ascending and descending occasionally." He 
 squeezed her hand. 
 
 A perfectly collected man — one who has been 
 gathcevJ to his fathers. 
 
 Somebody said to Robert Hall, " How many 
 discourses do you think a minister may get up 
 each week?" Answered Hall, "If he is a 
 deep thinker and a great condenser, he may get 
 up one ; if he is an ordinary man, two ; but if 
 he is an ass, sir, he will produce half-a-dozen." 
 
 A good sermon is like a kiss — It requires but 
 two heads and an application. 
 
 A New York state man who recently tried a 
 flying machine of his own invention had no ad- 
 vice to those who crowded around him. All he 
 said was, "Work in durned fool somewhere on 
 my tombstone."
 
 230 Bmerican Wit anD Ibumoc 
 
 An observing man claims to have discovered 
 the color of the wind. He says he went out 
 and found it blew. 
 
 At the close of the sittings in the Illinois 
 house of representatives, the clerk read the fol- 
 lowing : "I am requested to announce that 
 the Rev. Doctor McFarland will deliver a lec- 
 ture this evening in the hall on the ' Education 
 of Idiots.' Members of the legislature are in- 
 vited to attend." 
 
 A singular instance of scepticism is recorded 
 in the case of the man who said the Bible was 
 too good to be true. 
 
 Two clergymen were busy discussing a knotty 
 problem in theology. "I believe," said one, 
 " in the doctrine of — " up went his heels, and, 
 as he bored a hole in the ice, he finished the 
 sentence — "damnation!" It did not sound 
 pretty, but then, he didn't intend to say it in that 
 way. 
 
 No matter how hard it is to find a rocking- 
 chair during the day, a man is sure to fall over 
 one when he is in search of the match box after 
 dark.
 
 American TlUlt anD f>umor 231 
 
 The man who can see sermons in running 
 brooks is most apt to go and look for them on 
 Sundays when trout are biting. 
 
 Stories are common enough of needles travel- 
 ing about in people's bodies and making their 
 appearance in very odd places. But the most 
 remarkable case is related of a young woman in 
 New York who got a needle in her wrist a year 
 ago, and the other day it was removed from the 
 right arm of a young man who has been keep- 
 ing her company. 
 
 There is a man who keeps a list of all the 
 banks in the country, so as to be able to say that 
 he keeps a bank account. 
 
 "Henrietta," said a lady to her new girl, 
 " when there's bad news — particularly family 
 afflictions — always let the boarders know it be- 
 fore dinner. It may seem strange to you, 
 Henrietta, but such things make a great differ- 
 ence in the eating in the course of a year." 
 
 Henry Ward Beecher said, that if any col- 
 lege should put two D's after his name he should 
 feel inclined to put a dash between them and 
 send them back.
 
 232 American "Unit ano Ibumor 
 
 A shrill old lady, whenever she loses her scis- 
 sors, rouses the whole family with, "Where's 
 them shears appeared to ? " 
 
 A visitor to a country parson tells how, when 
 he accompanied him lately to take the duty in a 
 remote parish, the sexton said : " Perhaps your 
 reverence won't mind preaching from the 
 chancel, for we've got a duck sittin' in the 
 pulpit." 
 
 How much happier we should be summer 
 evenings if Noah had stepped on the male tum- 
 ble bug before he left the ark. 
 
 A gentleman took the following telegram to a 
 telegraph office: "Mrs. Brown, Liverpool 
 Street. — I announce with grief the death of 
 Uncle James. Come quickly to read will, I be- 
 lieve we are his heirs. — John Black." The 
 clerk having counted the words, said, " There 
 are two too many, sir." "All right; cut out 
 'with grief,' " was the answer. 
 
 One of the boys asked young Brown if his 
 girl's father was much "put out" when he 
 asked him for his daughter. "Oh, no," said 
 Brown, " he didn't appear to be put out, but he 
 put me out in a hurry."
 
 Smerican limit anD Ibumor 233 
 
 A New York paper says that a baldheaded 
 man will marry three times to any other man's 
 once, other things being even. 
 
 A country deacon went home one evening 
 and complained to his wife that he had been 
 abused down at the store shamefully. " One of 
 the neighbors," he said, "called him a liar." 
 Her eyes flashed with indignation ; " Why 
 didn't you tell him to prove it? " she exclaimed. 
 "That's the very thing — that's the trouble," 
 replied the husband; "I told him to prove it 
 and he did." 
 
 " Where are you going ? " asked a little boy of 
 another, who had slipped on an icy pavement. 
 " Going to get up," was the blunt reply. 
 
 The quickest method of developing human 
 life is to plant a photographer's camera in front 
 of a lonesome, deserted country hotel, and long, 
 long before the artist can get a focus, the porch, 
 balcony, doors, windows, side fence and dormer- 
 windows of that hostelry will be alive with 
 smiling, unconscious humanity. 
 
 Vermont has a young lady six feet, seven 
 inches high, and when a young man succeeds in 
 kissing her they say he has "gone up."
 
 234 American llltt and TDumor 
 
 Emerson says : " The way to make the world 
 better is by reforming number one, then there is 
 surely one less villain in the world." 
 
 "But I pass," said a minister one Sunday, 
 in dismissing one theme of his subject to take 
 up another. " Then I make it spades ! " yelled 
 a man from the gallery who was dreaming the 
 happy hours away in an imaginary game of 
 euchre. It is needless to say that he went out 
 on the next deal, being assisted by one of the 
 deacons with a full hand of clubs. 
 
 It is apparent to so many parents that a great 
 many children get on the wrong track because 
 the switch is misplaced. 
 
 The story is told of an old hunter in Michi- 
 gan who lost his way in the woods a number of 
 times when the country was new. At length he 
 secured a pocket compass and its use was ex- 
 plained to him by a friend. But shortly after- 
 ward he lost his way again and lay out as usual. 
 When found he was asked why he did not 
 travel by the compass. He did not dare to he 
 said. He wanted to go north and he " tried to 
 make the thing point north, but it wan' any use 
 'twould shake, shake, shake round and point 
 southeast every time."
 
 Bmerican Wit anO Ibumoc 235 
 
 "Late hours," says our esteemed Aunt 
 Dorcas, "are apt to lead either to the peniten- 
 tiary or matrimony. Think of this, young 
 men." 
 
 A notorious New York prize fighter and dis- 
 orderly character was on trial the other day for 
 assault and battery. He was convicted, and 
 just before the judge passed the sentence his 
 counsel appealed for mercy, saying that his 
 client intended to leave New York at once. " I 
 know it," said the judge ; "he is going to leave 
 it for six months, during which time he will re- 
 side in the penitentiary." 
 
 A California jury, in a suicide case lately, 
 found the following verdict : " We the jury, find 
 that the deceased was a fool." 
 
 At a recent Sunday-school reunion the super- 
 intendent proposed that they form a line, and 
 march to the song, " Hold the Fort." Accord- 
 ingly the line was formed, with Deacon B. at 
 the head. All went beautifully until they came 
 to the second verse : 
 
 " See the mighty host advancing, 
 Satan leading on."
 
 236 Bmerican THHit ano Ibumor 
 
 It was Harness who said of the French " that 
 they did not know what they wanted, and would 
 not rest till they got it. ' ' 
 
 President Eliot related an amusing anecdote 
 of two honored professors of Yale, one of 
 whom, he said, is long of speech, the other con- 
 cise and pithy. The two were taking a walk 
 spiced with conversation one day when they 
 were met by a friend who greeted them with this 
 paraphrase of the text : " Day unto Dwight ut- 
 tereth speech, Dwight unto Day showeth knowl- 
 edge." 
 
 "I say," said a rough fellow to a fop with 
 conspicuous bow-legs, " I say, don't you have to 
 have your pantaloons cut with a circular saw ? ' ' 
 
 Gentleman, "My good woman, how much is 
 that goose?" Market woman, "Well, you 
 may have the two ats even shillin'." Gentle- 
 man, " But /only want one." Market woman, 
 "Can't help it ; ain't goin' to sell one without 
 the other. Them ere geese to my certain 
 knowledge hav' been together for more'n thir- 
 teen years, and / ain't goin' to be so unfeelin' 
 as to separate them now."
 
 Bmerlcan "Wtttt an& Ibumot 237 
 
 For a young woman to begin to pick lint off 
 a young man's coat-collar, is said to be the first 
 symptoms that the young man is in peril. 
 
 A Jerseyman went to Mauch Chunk, Pa., to 
 spend his vacation, and during the night three 
 old hens, which had gone to roost on a tree out- 
 side his bedroom window, were disturbed by a 
 cat and flew into the apartment. The Jersey- 
 man awakened and slashed a pillow around un- 
 til the bewildered fowls found their way out. 
 The next morning he told his host that he should 
 come there every summer, for during the night 
 he had seen but three mosquitoes. 
 
 If there is really a delightfully refreshing scene 
 on this earth it is a newly married man sliding 
 toward home with his first washboard. 
 
 A gentleman who had spent half the winter 
 in Washington endeavoring to get a private bill 
 through Congress, returned to the bosom of his 
 family a sadder and wiser man. Shortly after 
 his arrival he was met by a friend, who greeted 
 him warmly with : " Glad to see you back again. 
 How about your bill?" " Bill— bill ? " said 
 the disappointed solicitor, confusedly, with a 
 dim recollection of an encounter with the hotel 
 keeper. " I left it unpaid."
 
 238 American "Wait ano Ibumot 
 
 A bill recently passed by the California Legis- 
 lature provides that religion shall be neither 
 taught nor practiced in the public schools. 
 
 A demure citizen of Portland was walking 
 down town one morning last week when a 
 stranger addressed him : ' ' Do you know where 
 the post office is? " " Yes," answered the Port- 
 lander, affably, and walked on without further 
 reply. After proceeding for about ten steps he 
 looked back, and inquired in his turn, "Why? 
 Did you want to know?" "No," replied the 
 victim, with great earnestness, and then, the ac- 
 count having been balanced, the two shook 
 hands gravely, and walked off toward the Fal- 
 mouth. 
 
 Somebody asked somebody else, on the occa- 
 sion of the death of a very wealthy man, " How 
 much did he leave?" The answer was very 
 promptly given, "Oh, he left it all. He didn't 
 take any with him." 
 
 When a woman makes up her mind that a 
 hen shall not set, and the hen makes up her 
 mind that she will, the irresistible meets the im- 
 movable, and every law of nature is broken or 
 perverted.
 
 Bmerican *WIM ano Ibumoc 239 
 
 A Russian proverb says: "Before going to 
 war pray once, before going to sea pray twice, 
 and before getting married pray three times." 
 
 An Illinois youth has been wearing a fine 
 plaited bosom shirt, which opened on the back, 
 hind-side before for more than a year. He said 
 he thought they had laid out a good deal of 
 work on the back ! 
 
 "Young man, do you believe in a future 
 state ? " " In course /doz ; and, what is more, 
 / mean to enter it as soon as Betsey gets her 
 things ready." 
 
 "Huxley, my boy ! you haven't come a bit 
 too soon, for when we hear of a man up in 
 Reading, Pa., being beaten at euchre by a 
 learned hog, it's about time to ask whither are 
 we drifting ? ' 
 
 The reason that aesthetics so admire the stork 
 is that he can stand for hours on one leg and 
 look as though he didn't know anything and 
 didn't want to. 
 
 Mr. James Russell Lowell has invented a new 
 beatitude : " Blessed are they who have nothing 
 to say, and who cannot be persuaded to say it."
 
 240 Bmerican limit ano IRumor 
 
 Professor says: "Time is money: how do 
 you prove it?" Student says, "Well, if you 
 give twenty-five cents to a couple of tramps, that 
 is a quarter to two." 
 
 Two deacons once disputing about a proposed 
 new graveyard, one remarked: "I'll never be 
 buried in that ground as long as I live!" 
 "What an obstinate man!" said the other. 
 " If my life is spared, I will ! " 
 
 A fashion exchange says that "striped para- 
 sols have taken the place of striped stockings." 
 But we don't believe it. Why they — they 
 couldn't. 
 
 A man left a bony steed on Main street last 
 Saturday, and, coming back a short time after- 
 ward, discovered that a funny youth had placed 
 a placard against the fleshless ribs bearing the 
 notice, " Oats wanted — inquire within." 
 
 A parsimonious sea captain, answering the 
 complaints of his men that the bread was bad, 
 exclaimed: "What! complain of your bread 
 that is made from flour ? What do you think 
 of the apostles? They ate shew bread made 
 from old boots and shoes."
 
 Bmeiican Wit and Ibumor 241 
 
 There are two reasons why some people don't 
 mind their business. One is that they haven't 
 any business, and the other is that they have no 
 mind. 
 
 A few years since, at the celebration of our 
 national anniversary, a peddler who was present, 
 being called upon for a toast offered the follow- 
 ing : " Here is health to poverty ; it sticks to a 
 man when all his friends forsake him." 
 
 A Boston paper is in " favor of women voting 
 if they want to." A Western paper would like 
 to see the man who could make them vote if 
 they did not want to. 
 
 A rich, but parsimonious old gentleman, on 
 being taken to task for his uncharitableness, 
 said : "True, I don't give much, but if you 
 only knew how it hurts when I give anything, 
 you wouldn't wonder." 
 
 Edward Edgerton, of Madison, Ind., thrust 
 his hand into a horse's mouth to see how many 
 teeth he had. The horse closed his teeth to see 
 how many fingers Mr. Edgerton had. The cu- 
 riosity of both was fully satisfied.
 
 242 Bmerican TlUit anD Ibumor 
 
 A man who was labored with for not having 
 a Bible in the house, excused himself by saying 
 that there was nothing in the Bible that wasn't 
 in his dictionary. 
 
 If you want to see a man struggling to do 
 several things at once, just watch him trying to 
 put on his overcoat and rubbers and yet keep 
 his head bowed while the minister is pronounc- 
 ing the benediction. 
 
 "There!" said Jones, as he wrathfully 
 pushed away the pie which his landlord had 
 just served him, "that stuff ain't fit for a pig to 
 eat, and I ain't going to eat it." 
 
 A college student being examined in Locke 
 where he speaks of our relation to Deity, was 
 asked : " What relations do we most neglect ? " 
 He answered, with the utmost simplicity, " Poor 
 relations, sir ! " 
 
 Over the porch of the Old South Church at 
 Boston is chiselled: "Behold! I have set be- 
 fore you an open door," and under, on the 
 door, is printed in emphatic letters, " Positively 
 no admittance."
 
 Bmerican Wit ano Ibumor 243 
 
 There is always some incentive to the Ameri- 
 can youth to study and work. He may not be- 
 come President of the United States, but he 
 may be the oldest Mason. 
 
 A father and mother at Decatur, Michigan, 
 left their two little boys a gun to play with. 
 As it had but one barrel, they still have one 
 boy for their declining years. 
 
 "Are you not afraid that whiskey'll get into 
 your head," asked a stranger of a tall man he 
 s;iw drinking at the bar. " No," said the man, 
 * this liquid is too weak to climb.' 
 
 A person lately saw in Greenwood Cemetery 
 a tombstone with "I would not live alway " 
 -chiseled upon it, beneath which some urchin 
 had penciled, " Sour Grapes." 
 
 A lady in a menagerie being asked why she 
 so closely scanned the elephant with her opera 
 glass, replied that she was looking for the key- 
 hole of his trunk. 
 
 The Israelites Crossing the Red Sea is one of 
 the paintings exhibited by a professor in Maine, 
 who claims in his advertisement that they were 
 photographed direct from nature.
 
 2 1 1 Bmeiican Ulit anD Ibumor 
 
 A man had the choice of committing the least 
 of three offences : murder, robbery, or drunken- 
 ness. He chose the latter, got drunk, and then 
 committed the other two. 
 
 Pretty girls, according to Mr. Moody, should 
 not permit themselves to be kissed at church 
 fairs for twenty-five cents, and we think our- 
 selves that in these hard times the price is too 
 high. 
 
 "What is a more exhilarating sight," asks a 
 Vermont paper, "than to see eighteen hand- 
 some girls sliding down hill on an ox-sled?" 
 "Nineteen," says the experienced editor of the 
 Boston Post. 
 
 A man swapped his horse for a wife. An 
 old bachelor acquaintance said he'd bet there 
 was something wrong with the horse, or its 
 owner never would have fooled it away in that 
 manner. 
 
 "Will the coming man use both hands?" is 
 a question asked by a scientific exchange. We 
 do not see how the coming man can use both 
 hands unless the coming woman drives the 
 horse.
 
 Bmertcan Wilt and Ibumor 245 
 
 " Women are so contrary," said Blobbs. " I 
 thought when I got married my wife would 
 darn my socks and let me alone ; instead of that 
 she lets my socks alone and darns me." 
 
 "So your daughter has married a rich hus- 
 band." "Well," slowly replied the father, "I 
 believe she has married a rich man, but I under- 
 stand he is a very poor husband." 
 
 One of a party of friends, referring to an ex- 
 quisite musical composition, said, "That song 
 always carries me away when I hear it." " Can 
 anybody sing it? " asked a wit in the company. 
 
 A bookbinder had a book brought him to be 
 rebound. After the job was finished he made 
 the following entry in his day-book: "To re- 
 pairing the Way to Heaven, twenty-five cents." 
 
 A Mississippi granger is opposed to railroads. 
 He says that when he goes to town they bring 
 him home so quick he hasn't time to get sober 
 before he arrives. 
 
 Stebbins says: " Elderly people ought to re- 
 tire early at this season of the year. It is better 
 for the health. Besides it gives the young folks 
 a better chance."
 
 246 Bmetican TWM ano Ibumor 
 
 "Ma, this milk is better than yesterday's 
 milk was." " Don't say that, child. Say there's 
 more milk in this water than there was in the 
 water we got yesterday."
 
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