cO o r MAN AND WIFE; OR, MORE SECRETS THAN ONE A COMEDY, IN FIVE ACTS. AS PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE-ROYAL, DRURY-LANE. BY SAMUEL JAMES ARNOLD, ESQ. THE SIXTH EDITION. LONDON : PRINTED FOR RICHARD PHILLIPS, BRIDGE *TOEEi; BLACKFRIARS, [Price Half-a-Crown.] 1800, Barnarch Printer, Skinne* Street* THE undivided Expression of public Ap- probation with which this Comedy has beeR received, has given it a Value in the Author's Estimation greatly exceeding that which his own vanity induced him to attach to it. It is this increased Estimate of its Value which encourages him to present it to a Gentleman whose universal Acquirements are as much the Admiration of his Friends, as his polished Manners are the Delight of all who kuoW him. It is therefore inscribed, With the greatest Respect and Esteem, to JOHN SYMMONS, ESQ. By his much obliged, and obedient Servant, THE AUTHOR, 569 . s *io JrfibG . J ^nsibado ' ^ifdo .HOHTTJA ai ADVERTISEMENT. 1 O the Performers who have so essentially contributed to the very flattering success of MAN and WIFE, the Author offers his best thanks ; and if he omits, in this public acknowledgment, to enumerate their separate claims, it is, because he fears, where all are entitled to his gratitude, he can but imperfectly express the diffe- rent degrees which the various talents exerted in his fa- vour, with so much justice demand. He cannot however forbear particularizing Mrs. JOR- DAN, to whose kindness he is indebted for the introduc- tion of the Comedy to the Managers ; tho' as that Lady is ever as anxious to do a friendly action as she is pri- vately to perform benevolent ones, he is convinced, that acknowledgment on this subject, is neither desired nor expected. PROLOGUE. ys increase, to strike out something ncw t What, in the name of wit, can Authors do ? For ages past they've cull'd from nature's store, And drawn the self-same features, o'er and o'er. Many, 'tis true, have nature's paths forsaken, Drawn apes for beaux, and wags for wits* mistaken ; Strange fools and coxcombs they have plac'd in view, Yet copied life, and made the picture true ! But Man and Wife ! I fear you'll all exclaim, Can any novelty be found in them ? For if the Bard should sketch them gay and free, Obliging, kind, as Man and Wife should be You all, methinks, would cavil at each feature, And say the thing was new but out of nature ; Aud should he make them live like Dog and Cat, Alack-the-day ! there's nothing new in that! Still, all these pictures of domestic strife ' Vary, according to the rank in life Wond'rous the difference 'twixt the wedded pair Of Broad St. Giles's, and St. James's Square ! The high-bred pair once wed, are one, and therefore Are two directly without why or wherefore ! lie at the clubs the fatal elbow shakes, Returns at sunrise, and at sunset wakes While sJie, at routs the war of elbews dares, Half squeez'd to death delightful on the stairs ; But what cares she for squeezing, who displays The iron fence of Mrs. Bailey's stays ? He desperate games she braves the desperate throngs, Here rattle dice there louder -rattle tongues Separate in tastes, pursuits, and in expence Alike in nothing save. indifference Till separate interests, separate claims advance And end, too oft, in separate maintenance ! Quarrels in lower life, 'twixt John and Joau By very different characters are known ! His is the weaker side in wordy strife For talking'* still the charter of the wife! But John has argument to strike her dumb Tis in a stick the thickness of his thumb ! Such as his right, did once a grave judge name, And when did John forget his fights to claim ! But soft our bard to-night has drawn from life, An intermediate kind of Man and Wife ! And iu that title 'twill perhaps appear, That something more is meant, than meets the ear ! DRAMATIS PERSONA. Lord Austencourt Mr. HOLLAND. Sir Rowland Austencourt .... Mr. POWF.LL. Charles Austencourt ....... Mr. ELLISTON. Sir Willoughby Worrett Mr. Dow TON. Falkner ^ Mr. WROUGHTON, Abel Growse 3 Mr. Cornelius O'Dedimus Mr. JOHNSTONE. Ponder Mr. MATTHEWS. William Mr. WEBB. Servant , Mr. EVANS. Countryman Mr. SCRIVEN. Sailor Mr. SMITH. Game-Keeper Mr. MAD DOCKS. Parish-Officer Mr. SPARKS. Lady Worrett Mrs, HARLOWK. Hekn Worrett . . . Mrs. JORDAN. Fanny ' . . . . Mrs. H. SIDDONS. Tiffany Mrs. SCOTT. MAN AND WIFE; OR, MORE SECRETS THAN ONE ACT I. SCENE I. Abel Grouse's Cottage, Enter ABEL GROWSE and FANNY Ab. Gr. DON'T tell me of* your sorrow and repentance girl you've broke my heart married hey ? and privately too and to a lord into the bargain ! So, when you can hide it no longer* you condescend to tell me think you that the wealth and title of Lord Austencourt, can silence the fears of a fond father's heart ? Why should a lord marry a poor girl like you in private, if his intentions were honorable? Who should restrain him from publicly avowing his wife?. Fanny. My dearest fatherhave but a little pa- tience, and I'll explain all Ab. Gr. Who was present besides the parson at your wedding? B U MAN AND \MM ; Fanny. There was our neighbour, the attorney Sir and one of his clerks and they were all Al. Gr. My heart sinks within me but mark me. You may remember I was not always what no\v> I seem to be. I yesterday received intelli- gence, which but for this discovery had shed a gleam of joy over my remaining days- as it is, should your husband prove the villain I suspect him, that intelligence will afford me an opportu- nity to resume a character in 'life, which shall make this monster Lord tremble !~ the wrongs of Abel Growse, the poor but upright man, might have been pleaded in vain to him, but :is I shall soon appear, it shall go hard but I will make the great man shrink before me, even in his plenitude of pride and power. Fanny. You terrify me Sir indeed you do ! Ab. Gr. And so I would I would prepare you for the worst that may befal us : for should this man, this Lord, who calls himself your hus- band - " Fanny. Dearest father what can you mean -who calls himself my husband he Is my husband. Ab. Gr. If he is your husband, how does he dare to -pay his addresses, as he now publicly does, to the daughter of Sir Willoiighby Wonrett, our neighbour. I may be mistaken I'm in the midst here of old acquaintances, tho' in this guise theyknow me not -they shall soon see me amongst themnot a word of this I charge you; to your faithful friend Mrs. Richland, alone confide my doubts, and act as she directs come girl this lord shall own you. If he dors not, we will our remedy in those laws which are at once the best'guardians of our rights and the surest aven- gers of our wrongs [Exeunt, A COMEDY. 3 SCENE II. A Parlour in Sir W. WORRETT'S House. The Breakfast prepared Urn, 8$c. Sir WJLLOUGII- BY reading the Newspaper. lie rises and rings the Bell -then pulls out /tip JTatch. 8ir H r . Three quarters of an hour since break- fast was firs tan mm uc eel to my wife ! -my patience is exhausted. Oh wedlock, wedlock! why .did I ever venture again into thy holy state of misery i of all the taxes laid on mankind by respect to society and the influence of example, no one is so burthensome as that which obliges a man to sub- mit to a thousand ills at home, rather than be suspected of being a bad husband abroad ! (enter Servant} Go to your lady Sem. I told her ladyship five times before, Sir Wi Hough by, that breakfast was waiting. Sir U r . Then tell her once more, and that will make six, and say I earnestly request the favor she will hasten to breakfast, as while she stays, I starve. Serv. Yes, Sir Willoughby but she'll stop the longer for the message. (Aside going out.) [Exit. Sir 7K My wife is the very devil it seems that she'd be miserable if she didn't think me happy yet her tenderness is my eternal torment her affec- tion puts me iu a fidget, and her fondness in a fever. Enter Servant. Serv. My lady says she wont detain you a mo- ment, Sir Willoughby, [Exit. Sir W. The old answer ! -Then she's so nerv- ous ! A nervous wife is worse than a perpetual blister; and then, as the man says in the play, your nervous patients are always ailing but new 2 4 MAN AM) WIFE ; die! Zounds! why do I bear it ? 'tis my folly, my weakness, to dread the censure of the world, and to sacrifice every comfort of my fire side, to the ideal advantage of being esteemed a. good hus- band. (Lady Worrctt is heard speaking behind) Hark? now she begins her morning work, giving more orders in a minute than can be executed in a month and teizing my daughter to death to teach her to keep her temper.! yet every body congra- tulates me on having so good a wife ! every body envies me so excellent an economist ! every body thinks me the happiest man alive ! and nobody knows what a miserable mortal I am ! (Lady W. behind)^- and harkye William (en- tering with Servant} tell the coachman to bring the chariot in a quarter of an hour and William- run with these books immediately to the Rector's and William bring up breakfast this moment. Will Yes, my lady (aside) Lord have mercy upon us ! [Exit. Lady W. My dear Sir Willoughby I beg a thousand pardons, but you are always so indul- gent that you really spoil me I'm sure you must think me a tiresome creature. Sir IV. No no, my life not at all. I should be very ungrateful if I clidivt value youjwt exactly as highly as you deserve. Lady IV. I certainly deserve a good scolding I do, indeed. I think if you scolded me a little I should behave better. Sir W. Well, then, as you encourage me, my- ] ovc I mus t own that a little mo-re punctuality would greatly heighten the zest of your society. Lady W. And yet, Sir Willoughby, you must ac- knowledge that my time is ever dedicated to that proper vigilance which the superintendance of sp large an establishment undoubtedly requires. A COMEDY. 5 Sir W. Why, true, my-love ; but somehow, I can't help thinking, that as my fortune is so ample, it is quite unnecessary that you should undergo so much fatigue: for instance, I do think that the wife of a baronet of 12,0001. a year owes it to her rank to be otherwise employed than in'hunting after the house-maid, or sacrificing her time in the store- room in counting candles, or weighing out soap, starch, powder-blue, and brown sugar ! Lady IV. (in tears.) This is unkind, Sir Wil- longhby this is very unkind Sir Jr. So! as usual, here's a breeze springing U p | What the devil shall I say to soothe her? Wife ! wife! you drive me mad ! You first beg me to scold you, and then arc offended because L obligingly comply with your request. Lady JV. No, Sir Willoughby I am only sur- prized that you should so little know the value of a wife, who daily degrades herself for your advan- tage. Sir Jr. That's the very thing I complain of. You do degrade yourself your economy, my-life, is downright parsimony ; your vigilance is suspi- cion; your management is meanness; and you fidget your servants till you make them fretful, and then prudently discharge them because they will live with you no longer. Iley ! odslifc, I must soothe her! for if company comes and finds her in this humour, my dear-bought reputation as a good husband is lost forever. (enter serve/ fit with break- fast.} Come, come my dear Lady Worrett, let us go to breakfast Come (sitting doini to breakfast} let us talk of something else Come, take your tea. Lady W. (to servant.) Send William to speak to rne. \Exit servant. Sir W. Where's Helen ? 6 MAN AND WIFE; Lady IV. I have desired her to copy a few ar- ticles into the family receipt book, before break- fast; for as her marriage will so shortly take place, it is necessary she should complete her studies. Sir IV. What she's at work, I suppose, on the third folio volume. Lady IV. Thejtfth I believe. Sir H\ Heaven defend us ! I don't blame it I don't censure it at all but I believe the case is rather unprecedented for an heiress of 12,00()/. a year to leave to posterity in her own hand writing, jive folio volumes of recipes, for pickling, pre- serving, potting, and pastry, for stewing and lard- ing, making ketchup and sour krout, oyster pat- tics, barbecued pies, jellies, jams, soups, sour-sauce and sweetmeats. Lady W. Oh Sir Willoughby, if young ladies of the present day paid more attention to such sub- stantial acquirements, we should have better wives and better husbands. Sir W. Why that is singularly just Lady W, Yes, if women were taught to find amusement in domestic duties instead of seeking it at a circulating library, assemblies and balls we should hear of fewer appeals to Doctor's Com- mons and the Court of King's Bench. Sir IV. Why that is undeniably true (aside) and now as we have a moment uninterrupted by family affairs Enter WILLIAM. Lady IV. Is the carriage come ?" Will. No, my lady. Have you carried the books ? No, my lady. Lady IV. Then go and hasten the coachman, IViiL No my hdyyes my lady, A COMEDY. 7 LadyW. And William send up Tiffany to Miss Helen's room, and bid her say we expect her at breakfast. Will. Miss Helen has been in the Park these two hours. Sir W. (Laughs aside.) Lady W. How ! in the Park these two hours ? Impossible send Tiffany to seek her. Will. Yes, my lady. [Exit. Sir W. So 3 as usual, risen with the kirk, I suppose. Lady W. Her disobedience will break my heart: Sirll r . Zounds, I shall go mad ! here's a mother- in-law going to break her heart, because my daughter prefers a M'alk in the morning to writing; culinary secrets into a fat folio family receipt- book ! ! Lady W. Sir Willoughby, Sir Willoughby, it is- you who encourage her in disregarding my orders. Sir W. No such thing, Lady Worrett, no such thing ! but if the girl likes to bring home a pair of ruddy cheeks from a morning walk, I don't see why she is to be balked of her fancy. Lady W. Ruddy cheeks indeed I such robust health is becoming only in dairy-maids. Sir W. Yes, I know your taste to a T; a con- sumption is always a key to your tender heart and an interesting pallid countenance will at any time unlock the door to your best affections but I must be excused if I prefer vising my daughter with the rosy glow of health upon her check, rather than the sickly imitations of art, which bloom on the surface alone, while the fruit wither* and decays beneath but zounds, dont speak so loud here's soinehoc.lv com.ing:. and they'll thitxk S MAN AND WIFE; we are quarelling. (Helen sings behind) So here comes our madcap. (Enter HELEN.) Helen. Good morning good morning. Here papa, look what a beautiful posy of wild flowers I have gathered See ! the dew is still upon them how lovely they are! to my fancy now, these un- cultivated productions of nature have more charms than the whole garden can equal why can we not all be like these flowers, simple and inartificial, with the stamp of nature and truth upon us? Lady W. Romantic stuff* but how comes it, Miss Helen, that my orders are thus disobeyed r Helen. Why lord, mamma, I'll tell you how it was but first I must eat my breakfast -so I'll sit down and tell you all about it. (sits down.) In the first place I rose at six and remembering I was to copy out the whole catalogue of sweet- meats, and as I hate all sweet things some sug- gar, if you please, papa I determined to take one run round the park before I sat down to my morn- ing's work so taking a crust of bread and a glass of cold water, which I love better than some tea if you please mamma any thing in the world ! out I flew like a lapwing stop'd at the Dairy, and some cream if you please, papa down to the meadows and gathered my nosegay, and then bounded home, with a heart full of gaiety, and a rare appetite for some roll and butter, if you please, mamma. Lady ll r . Daughter, this levity of character is- unbecoming your sex, and even your age you see none of this offensive flightiness in me Sir H r . Come, come, my dear Lady Worrett, Helen's gaiety is natural Helen, my love I have * o A COMEDY. charming news for you every thing is at last ar- ranged between Lord Austencourtand me respect^ ing your marriage. Helen. Why now, if mamma-in-law had said this, I should have thought she meant to make me as grave as herself. Lady IV. In expectation that Hdert will behave as becomes her in this most important aifair of her life, I consent to pass over her negligence this, morning in regard to my favorite receipts. Helen. I hate all receipts sweetj bitter, and, sour. Lady W. Then we will now talk of a husband. Helen. I hate all husbands sweet, bitter, and sour. Sir W. Whoo ! Helen my love, you should not contradict your mamma. Helen. My dear papa I don't contradict her; but I will not marry Lord Austencourt. Lady W. This is too much for my weak nerves I leave you, Sir Willoughby to arrange this affair, while I hasten to attend to my domestic duties. Sir W. (aside to Lady JF.)" That's right you'd better leave her to me I'll manage her, I warrant let me assist you there I'll soon settle this bu- siness. (Hands Lady Worrett off.) Helen. Now, my dear papa, are you really of the same opinion as her ladyship? Sir W. Exactly. Helen. Ha! Ha! Lud ! but that's comical What both think alike? Sir W. Precisely I _ Helen. That's very odd ! I believe it's the first time you've agreed in opinion since you were made? one ! But I'm quite sure you never can wish me to aiarrv a man I do not love. 10 MAN AND WIFE; Sir W. Why no certainly not but you will love him indeed you must. It's my wife's wish you know, and so I wish it of course Come, come, in this one trifling matter you must oblige us. Helen. Well, as you think it only a trifling matter, and as /think it of importance enough to make me miserable, I'm sure you II give up the point. Sir W. Why no you are mistaken to be sure 1 might have given it up but my Lady Worrett you know but that's no matter marriage is a duty, and 'tis incumbent on parents to see their children settled in that happy state. Helen. Have you found that state so happy, Sir r 'Sir W. Why yes that is Hey ? happy ! cer- tainly doesn't every body say so ? And what every body says must be true. However, that's not to the purpose a connection with the family of Lord Austencourt is particularly desirable. Helen. Not to me, I assure you, papa ! Sir W. Our estates join so charmingly to on# another. Helen. But sure, that's no reason we should be joined to one another! Sir W. But their contiguity seems to invite a- union by a marriage between you. Helen. Then pray, papa, let the stewards marry the estates, and give me a separate maintenance. \ Sir W. Helen, Helen! I see you are bent on disobedience to my Lady Worrett's wishes - Zounds ! you don't see me disobedient to her wishes but I know whereabouts your objection lies; that giddy, dissipated, young fellow, his. cousin Charles, the son of Sir Rowland Austen- court, has filled your head with nonsensical no- tions and chimeras of happiness thank heaven^ however,, he's far enough off at sea, 5 A COMEDY. n Helen. And / think, Sir, that because a man is lighting our battles abroad, he ought not to be the less dear to those whom his courage enables to live in tranquillity at home. Sir W. That's very true (aside) but I have an unanswerable objection to all you can say. Lord Austencourt is rich, and Charles is a beggar! besides, Sir Rowland himself prefers Lord Aus- tencourt Helen. More shame for him his partial feelings to his nephew, and unnatural disregard of his son, have long since made me hate him in short you are for money, and chuse Lord Austencourt I am for love, and prefer his poor cousin. Sir W 9 Then, once for all (as my Lady Worrett must be obeyed) I no longer consult you on the subject, and it only remains for you to retain the affection of an indulgent father by complying with my will (I mean my wife's) or to abandon my protection. Helen, I won't marry him, papa, I won't nor I won't cry, tho* I've a great mind A plague of all money, say I. Oh ! what a grievous misfortune it is to be born with 12,0001. a year! but if I can't marry the man I like, 1 won't marry at all, that's determined; and every body knows the firm- ness of a woman's resolution, when she resolves on contradiction. t 2 12 MAN AND WIFE; SCENE III. O'Dedlmuss Office. Boxes round the shelves O'DEDIMUS discovered writing at an office table a jew papers and parchments, 8$c. O'Dedlmus. There! I think I've expressed my meaning quite plainly (reads) " Farmer Flail I'm instructed by Lord Austencourt, your " landlord, to inform you, by word of letter, "that u if you can't afford to pay the additional rent for " your farm, you must turn out." (I think that's clear enough) " As to your putting in the plea of " a large family, we cannot allow that as a set off; " because, when a man can't afford to support seven " children with decency, he ought not to trouble " himself to get them." I think that's plain Eng- lish " Your humble servant, " CORNELIUS O'DEDIMUS, " Attorney at Law." " P. S. You may show this letter to his lord- l ship, to convince him I have done my duty; but " as I don't mean one word of it, if you'll come to " me privately I'll see what can be done for you " without his knowingany thing of the matter," and I think that's plain English. $nter GAMEKEEPER with a COUNTRYMAN in custody. O'Ded. Well, friend, and what are you ? Countryman. I he's a poacher ! So my lord's gamekeeper here do say. CfDed. A poacher! Faith that's honest! Gamekeeper. I caught him before day-light on the manor. I took away his gun, and shot his ttag, A COMEDY. 13 O'Ded. That was bravely done! So you must pamper your long stomach with pheasants and par- tridges, and be clamn'd to ye ! Will you prefer pay- ing five pounds now, or three months hard labour in the house of correction? Count tym. Thank ye, Sir, I don't prefer either, Sir. O'Ded. You must go before the justice he'll exhort you, and commit ye ! Countrym. Eees, I do know that extortion and commission^ and such like, be the office of thejustice ; but I'll have a bit of law, please punch! He ha' kilTd my poor dog that I lov'd like one o'my own children, and I've gotten six of 'em, Lord bless 'em. O'Decl. Six dogs ! Countrym. Dogs! No ! children, mun. O'Ded. Six children ! Och, the fruitful sinner! Countrym. - My wife be a pains-taking woman, Sir ! We ha' had this poor dear dog from a puppy. O'Ded. Shut your ugly mouth, you babbler Six children ! Oh! we must make an example of this fellow an't I the village lawyer? and an't I the terror of all the rogues in the parish? (aside to him.) You must plead " not guilty." Countrym. But I tell you, if that be guilt, I be guilty. O'Dcd. Why, you blundering booby, if you plead guilty, how will I ever be able to prove you innocent. Countrym. Guilty or innocent, I'll have the law of him, by gum ! he has shot my poor old mongrel, and taken away my musket ; and I've lost my day's drilling, and I'll make him pay for it. O'Ded. A mongrel, and a musket! by St. Pa- trick, Mr. Gamekeeper, and you have nately set your foot in it! Gamekeeper. Why, Sir, its a bad affair, Sir 'twas SQ davk, I couldn't see; and when I disco- 14 MAN AND WIFE; vered my mistake, I offered him a shilling to make it up, and he refused it! O Ded. (aside to Gamekeeper.) Harkye, Mr. Gamekeeper ; he has one action against ye for his clog, and another for false imprisonment (aloud). I love to see the laws enforced with justice. (Aside) but I'll always help a poor man to stand up against oppression (To Gamekeeper.) He has got you on the hip, and so go out and settle it between yourselves, and do you take care of yourself: (to Countryman) and do you make the best of your bargain. [Exeunt. PARISH OFFICER brings forward the SAILOR. Officer. Here's a vagrant I found him begging without a pass. O'Ded. Take him before his worship directly- the' sturdy rogue ought to be punished. Sailor. Please your honor, I'm a sailor. O'Ded. And if you're a sailor, a'nt you ashamed to own it a begging sailor is a disgrace to an ho- norable profession, for which the country has pro- vided an asylum as glorfeus as it is deserved ! Sailor. Why so it has but I an't bound for Greenwich yet! O'Decl. (aside to him.} Why you're disabled I see! Sailor. Disabled ! what for ? why I've only lost one arm yet bless ye I'm no beggar. I was going to see my Nancy thirty miles further on the road, and meeting some old messmates, we had a cann o'grog together ; one cann brought on another, and then we got drinking the King's health, and the Navy, and then this Admiral, and then t'other Admiral, 'till at last we had so many gallant heroes to drink, that we were all drunk afore we came ta the reck'nmg. So your honor, as my messmates had none o'the rhino, I paid all; and then A COMEDY. 15 know they had a long journey upwards, and no biscuit aboard : so I lent one a little, and another a little, 'till at last I found I had no coin left in my locker for myself, except a cracked teaster that Nancy gave me; and I couldn't spend that you know, tho' I had been starving ! O'Ded. And so you begg'd ? Sailor. Begg'd, no ! I just axed for a bit of bread and a mug o'water. That's no more than one Christian ought to give another, and if you call that begging, why I beg to differ in opinion. O'Ded. According to the act, you are a vagrant, and the justice may commit ye ; (aside to the offi- cer) lookye, Mr. Officer you're in the wrong box here. Can't you see plain enough, by his having lost an arm, that he earns a livelihood by the work of his hands so lest he should be riot- ous for being detained, let me advise you to be off. I'll send him off after you with a flea in his ear the other way. Officer. Thank ye Sir thank ye I'm much obliged to you for your advice, Sir, and shall take it, and so my service to you. [Edit. O'Ded. Take this my honest lad, (gives money), say nothing about it, and give my service to Nancy. Sailor. Why now, heaven bless your honor for. ever; and if ever you're in distress, and I'm within sight of signals, why hang out your blue lights ; and if I don't bear down to your assistance, may my gun he primed with damp powder the first time we fire a broadside at an enemy. [Exit. O'Ded. rings a bell. O'Dcd. Ponder ! Now will this fellow be think- ing and thinking till he quite forgets what he's doing Ponder, 1 say (Enter Ponder.) Here Pon- der, take this letter to Farmer Flail's, and if you see Mrs. Muddle, his neighbour give my love and duty to her. 16 MAN AND WIFE; Ponder. Yes, yes, Sir but at that moment, Sir, I was immers'd in thought, if I may be allow'cl the expression I was thinking of the vast difference between love and law, and yet how neatly you've spliced them together in your last instructions to your humble servant, Peter Ponder Clerk ! Uinph ! O'Dcd. Umph ! is that your manners you bear- garden? Will I never be able to larn you to be- have yourself? Study me, and talk like a gentlo- man, and be damn'd to ye. fonder. I study the law I can't talk it ! O'Ded. Can't you? Then you'll never doIf your tongue don't run faster than your client's, how will you ever be able to bother him you booby ? Ponder. I'll draw out his case he shall read,, and he'll bother himself ! O'Ded. You've a notion mind my instructions and I don't despair of seeing you at the bar one day was that copy of a writ sawed yesterday upon Garble, the tailor ? Ponder. Aye. O'Ded. And sarve him right too that's a big- rogue that runs in debt wid his eyes open, and tho' he has property, refuses to pay Is he safe ? Ponder. He was bailed by Swash, the brewer. O'Ded. And was the other sarved on Shuttle, the weaver Ponder. Aye. O'Ded. Who bailed him? Ponder. Nobody, he's gone to jail. CfDed. Gone to jail ! Why his poverty is owing to misfortune he cant pay well that's not our affair the law must have it's course. Ponder. So Shuttle said to his wife, as sh'e hung crying on his shoulder. A COMEDY. 17 O'Ded. That's it, he's a sensible man and that's more than his wife is we've nothing to do with women's tears. Ponder. Not a hit so they walked him off to jail in a jiifey, if I may be allowed the expres- sion. O'Ded. To be sure, and that was right they did their duty tho' for sartin if a poor man can't pay his debts when he's at liberty, he won't be much nearer the mark when he's shut up in idle- ness in a prison. Ponder. No, O'Dcd. Tho' when he that sent them there comes to make up his last account, 'tis my belief that he won't be able to shew cause why a bill shouldn't be filed against him for barbarity ! Are the writings all ready for Sir Rowland ? Ponder. AH ready shall I go now to Farmer Flail's with the letter ? O^Ded. Aye, and if you see Shuttle's wife in your way, give my service to her, and d'ye hear- as you're a small talker, don't let the little you say be so cursed crabbed ; and if a few kind words of comfort should find their way from your heart to your tongue, don't shut your ugly mouth and keep them within your teeth : you may tell her that if she can find any body to stand up for her husband, I sha'nt be over-nice about the sufficiency of the bail get you gone. Ponder, I shall Let me see ! Farmer Flail ! Wrs. Muddle, his neighbour! Shuttle's wife! and a whole string of messages and memorandums here's business enough to bother the brains of any ordinary man! you are pleased to say, Sir, that I am too much addicted to thinking i think [Exit Ponder, Jg MAN AND WIFE; O'Ded. By my soul if an attorney wasn't some- times a bit of a rogue, he'd never be able to earn an honest livelihood Oh Mr. O'Dedimus! why have you so little, when your heart could distri- bute so much ? . (Sir Rowland, without.) Sir Row. Mr. O'Dedimus within there \ CfDccL Yes! I'm within there. (Enter Sir Rowland.) Sir R ow. Where are these papers? I thought the law's del-ay was only felt by those who could not pay for its expedition. Q'DetL The law, Sir Rowland, is a good horse, and his pace is slow and sure, but he goes no faster because you goad him with a golden spur; but every thing is prepared, Sir and now, Sir Rowland, I have an ugly sort of an aukward affair to mention to you Sir Row. Does it concern we? O'Ded. You know, Sir Rowland, at the death of my worthy friend, the late Lord Austencourt, you were left sole executor and guardian to his son, the present Lord, then an infant of three years of age. Sir Row. What does this lead to ? (starting.) O'Ded. With a disinterested view to benefit the estate of the minor, who came of age the other day, you some time ago embarked a capital of 14,0001. in a great undertaking. Sir Row. Proceed. O'Ded. I have this morning received a letter from the agent, stating the whole concern to have failed the partners to be bankrupts and the pro- perty consigned to assignees not to promise, as a A COMEDY. 19 final dividend, more than one shilling in the pound this letter will explain the rest. AS'//' Row. How ! I was not prepared for this What's to be done ? *"* O'Ded. When one loses a sum of money that isn't one's own, there's but one thing to be done. Sir Row. And what is that ? O'Ded. To pay it back again ! Sir Row. You know that to be impossible utterly impossible. &Ded. Then, Sir Rowland, take the word of Cornelius O'Dedimus, attorney at law, his lord- ship will rigidly exact the money to the uttermost farthing. Sir Row. You are fond, Sir, of throwing out these hints to his disadvantage. O'Ded. I am bold to speak it I am possessed of a secret, Sir Rowland, in regard to his lordship, Sir Row. (Alarmed.) What is it you mean ? O'Ded. I thought I told you it was a secret. Sir Row. But to me. you should have no secrets that regard my family. O'Ded. With submission, Sir Rowland, his lord- ship is my client, as well as yourself, and I have learned from the practice of the courts, that an attorney who blabs in his business, has soon no suit to his back. Sir R. But this affair perhaps involves my deep- est interest my character my all is at stake. O'Ded. Have clone wid your pumping now d'ye think I am a basket full of cinders, that Fin to be sifted after this fashion ? Sir R. Answer but this does it relate to Charles my son? O'Dcd. Sartinly, the young gentleman has a small bit of interest in the question. Sir R. One thing more. Does it allude to a 20 MAN AND WIFE ; transaction which happened some years ago am I a principal concerned in it? O'Ded. Devil a ha'porth it happened only six months past. Sir R. Enough I breathe again. CfDcd. I'm glad of that, for may- he you'll now Jet me breathe to tell ye that as I know Lord Aus- tencourt's private character better than you d o my life to a bundle of parchment, hell even arrest ye for the money. Sir R* Impossible, he cannot be such a villain! Abel Growse. (without) What ho I is the lawyer "within ? Sir R. Who interrupts us? CfDed. Tis the strange man that lives on the common his name is Abel Growse he's coming up. Sir. R. Ill wait till you dismiss him, for I cannot encounter any one at present misfortunes crowd upon me And one act of guilt has drawn the vengeance of heaven on my head, and will pursue me to the grave. [Exit to an inner room. O'Ded. Och, if a small gale of adversity blows up such a storm as this, we shall have a pretty hur- ricane by-and-bye when you larn a little more of your hopeful nephew, and see his new matrimonial scheme fall to the ground like butter-milk through a sieve. Enter ABEL GROWSE. Ab. Growse. Now, Sir You are jack all, as- I take it, to Lord Austencourt. CfDed. I am his man of business, sure enough ; but didn't hear before of my promotion to die office you mention. Ab. Gr. You are possessed of all his secret cteeds. A COMEDY. 21 O'Dcd. That's a small mistake-r-I have but one of them, and that's the deed of settlement on Miss Helen Worrett, spinster. Ab. Gr, Leave your quibbling*, Sir, and speak plump to the point if habit hasn't hardened your heart, and given a system to your knavery, an- swer me this Lord Austencourt has privately mar- ried my daughter? O'Dcd. Hush ! Ab. Gr. You were a witness. O'Ded. Plas any body told you that thing? Ab. Gr. Will you deny it? O'Ded. Will you take a friend's advice? Ab. Gr. I didn't come for advice. I came to kaow if you will confess the fact, or whether you .are villain enough to conceal it. O'Ded. Have done wid your bawling Sir Row- land's in the next room ! Ab. Gr. Is he ? then Sir Rowland shall hear me Sir Rowland ! he shall see my daughter righted Ho there ! Sir Rowland ! O'Ded. (Aside) Here'li beadivil of a dust kicked up presently about the ears of Mr. Cornelius O'Dedimus, attorney at law ! ! Enter SIR ROWLAND. SirR. Who calls me? Ab. Gr. Twas I! Sir R. What is it you want, friend ? Ab. Gr. Justice. Sir R. Justice ! then you had better apply there* ( pot n ting to Dedimus. ) Ab.Gr. That's a mistake he deals only inZ#w, 'tis to you that I appeal your nephew, Lord Austencourt, is about to marry the daughter of Sir Willoughby Worrett. Sir R. He is. 22 MAN AND WIFE ; Ab. Or, Never! I will save him the guilt of that crime at least 1 Sir R. You are mysterious, Sir. Ab. Gr. Perhaps I am. Briefly your nephew Is privately married to my daughter this man was present at their union will you see justice clone me, and make him honorably proclaim his wife. Sir R. Your tale is incredible, Sir It is suffi- cient however to demand attention, and I warn you lest by your folly you rouse an indignation that may crush you. Ab. Gr. Hear mepr6ud man, while I warn you! my daughter is the lawful wife of lord Austencourt double is the woe to me that she is his wife but as it is so, he shall publicly acknowledge her to you I look for justice and redress see to it, Sir, or I shall speedily appear in a new charac- ter, with my wrongs in my hand, to hurl destruc- tion on you ! (Exit.) Sir R. What does the fellow mean ? O'Ded. That's just what I'm thinking Sir. R. You, he said, were privy to their mar- riage. CfDed. Bless ye, the man's mad ! Sir R. Ha! you said you had a secret respecting my nephew. O'Ded. Sir. if you go on so, you'll bother me ! Sir R. The fellow must be silenced can you not contrive some means to rid us of his inso- lence? O'Ded. Sir, I shall do my duty, as my duty should be done, by Cornelius O'Dedimus, attor- ney at law. Sir R. My nephew must not hear of this ac- cursed loss be secret on that head,- 1 charge you! A COMEDY. 23 But in regard to this man's bold assertion, I must consult him instantly haste and follow me to his house. O'Ded. Take me wid ye, Sir; for this is such a dirty business, that I'll never be able to go through it unless you shew me the way. END OF ACT I. 24 MAN AND WIFE; ACT II. SCENE I. A Library at Sir WILLOUGHBY'S. Enter HELEN with SERVANT. Helen. JLfORD Austencourt true this is his hour for persecuting me very well, desire Lord Austen- coiut to come in. ( Exit Servant. Helen. I won't marry. They all say I shall. Some girls now would sit down and sigh, and moan, as if that would mend the matter that will never suit me ? Some indeed would run away with the man they liked better but then the only man I ever liked well enough to marry is I believe, run away from me. Well ! that won't do ! Ill e'en laugh it off as well as I can; and tho' I won't marry his Lordship, I'll tease him as heartily as if I had been his wife for twenty years. Enter Lord AUSTENCOURT. Lord A. Helen ! too lovely Helen ! once more behold before you to supplicate for your love and pity, the man whom 1 the world calls proud, but whom your beauty alone has humbled. Helen. They say, my Lord, that pride always has a fall some time or other. I hope the fall of .your Lordship's hasn't hurt you. Lord A. Is it possible that the amiable Helen, so famed for gentleness and goodness, can see the victim of her charms thus dejected stand before her. Helen. Certainly not, my Lord so pray sit down. A COMELY. 2 Lord A. Will you never be for one moment serious ? Helen. Oh, yes, my Lord I am never otherwise when / think of your Lordship's proposals but when you are making love and fine speeches to me in person, 'tis with amazing difficulty I can help laughing. Lord A. Insolent vixen, (aside) I had indulged a hope, madam, that the generosity and disinte- rested love I have evinced Helen. Why as to your Lordship's generosity in condescending to marry a poor solitary spinster, I am certainly most duly grateful and no one can possibly doubt your disinterestedness, who knows I am only heiress to 12,0001, a year -a for- tune which, as I take it, nearly doubles the whole of your Lordship's rent roll ! Lord A. Really, madam, if I am suspected of any mercenary motives, the liberal settlements which are now ready for your perusal, must im- mediately remove any such suspicion. Helen. Oh, my Lord, you certainly mistake me only as my papa observes, our estates do join so charmingly to one another ! Lord A. Yes: that circumstance is certainly advantageous to both parties, (exultingly.) Helen. Certainly ! only, as mine is the bigest, perhaps your's would be the greatest gainer by the bargain. Lord A. My dear Madam, a title and the ad- vantages of elevation in rank amply compensate the sacrifice on your part. Helen. Why, as to a title, my lord (as Mr. O'Dedinnis, your attorney observes), there's no title in my mind better than a good title to a fine estate and I see plainly, that altho' your lordship is a -26 MAN ANt> WIFE ; peer of the realm you think this title of mine no mean companion for your own. Lord A. Nay, Madam Believe me I protest I assure you solemnly, that those considerations have very little indeed 720 influence at all with me. Helen. Oh, no ! only it is natural that you should feel (as papa again observes) that the con- tiguity of these estates seems to invite a union by a marriage between us; Lord A. And if you admit that fact why do you decline the invitation ? Helen. Why, one doesn't accept every invita- tion that's offered, you know one sometimes have very disagreeable ones; and then one presents com- pliments, and is extremely sorry that a previous engagement obliges us to decline the honour. Lord A. (aside} Confound the satirical hussey But should not the wishes of your parents have some weight in the scale ? Helen. Why, so they have ; their wishes are in one scale, and mine are in the other; do all I can, I can't make mine weigh most, and so the beam remains balanced. Lord A. 1 should be sorry to make theirs pre- ponderate, by calling in their authority as auxili- aries to their wishes. Helen. Authority ! Ho ! what, you think to marry me by force ! do ye my Lord? Lord A. They are resolute- and if you continue obstinate Helen. I dare say your lordship's education hasn't precluded your , knowledge of a very true, tho' rather vulgar proverb " one ma:n may lead a 'horse to the water, but twenty can't make him drink." Lord A. The allusion%iay be classical, Madam, A COMEDY. 7 tho 1 certainly it js not very elegant nor has it even the advantage of being applicable tq thejpoint in question. However, I clo not despair to see this resolution changed. In the mean time, I did not think it in your nature to treat any man who loves you with cruelty and scorn. Helen. Then, why don't you desist, my lord ? If you'd take an answer, you had a civil one ; but if you will follow and tea^e one, like a sturdy beggar in the street, you must expect at last a reproof for your impertinence. Lord A. Yet even in their case perseverance often obtains what was denied to poverty. Helen. Yes, possibly, from the feeble or the vain But genuine Charity, and her sister, Love, act only from their own generous impulse, and scorn intimidation. Enter TIFFANY. Tiffany. Are you alone, Madam? Helen. No; I was only wishing to be so. Tiff. A young woman is without enquiring fo? Sir Willoughby, M^'am, ; I thought he had been here. Helen. Do you know her ? Tiff. Yes, Ma'am ; 'tis Fanny, the daughter of the odd man that lives on the common. Helen. I'll see her myself desire her to walk up. {Exit Tiffany. Lord A. (seems uneasy) Indeed ! what brings her here ? Helen. Why, what can be the matter now, your Lordship seems quite melancholy on a sudden. Lord A. /, madam ! oh no ! or if I am 'tis merely a head ache or some such cauae or per- haps owing to the influence of the weather. Your Lordship is a very susceptible K 2 28 MAN AND WIFE ; rometer when you entered this room your coun- tenance was set fair but now I see the index points to stormy. Lord A. Madam, you have company, or busi- ness a good morning to you. Helen. Stay, stay, my Lord. Lord A. Excuse me at present, I have an im- portant affair another'time. Helen. Surely, my Lord, the arrival of this nnocent girl does not drive you away ? Lord A. Bless me, madam, what an idea! cer- tainly not-r-but I have just recollected>an engage- ment of consequence some other time Madam, ybur most obedient [Exit. : Enter FANNY, Fan. I beg pardon, madam, I'm fearful I in- trude but I enquired for Sir Willougby, and they shewed me to this room I .wished to speak with him on particular business your servant, madam. Hel. Pray stay, my good girl I rejoice in this 1 opportunity of becoming acquainted with you the character I have heard of you has excited an affectionate interest you must allow me to be- come, your friend. Fanny. Indeed, indeed, madam, I am in want of friends but you can never be one of them. Helen. No! Why so? Fanny. You, madam ! Oh no you are the only enemy I ever had. Helen. Enemy ! This is very extraordinary ! I have scarce ever seen you before Assuredly I never injured you. Fanny. Heaven forbid I should wish any one to injure you as deeply. Hel. I cannot understand you pray explain yeurself. A COMEDY. 29 Fan. That's impossible, madam my Lord would never forgive me. HeL Your Lord ! Let me entreat you to ex- plain your meaning. Fan. I cannot, Madam ; I came hither on busi- ness of importance, and no trifling business should have brought me to a house inhabited by one who is the cause of all my wretchedness. HeL This is a most extraordinary affair! There is a mixture of cultivation and simplicity in your manner that affects me strongly I see, my poor girl, you are distressed ; and though what you have said leaves on rny mind a painful suspicion^ Fan. Oh heavens, Madam ! stay, I beseech you ! I am not what you think me, indeed I ana not I must not, for a moment, let you think of me so injuriously -Yet 1 have promised secrecy! but sure no promise can be binding, when to keep it we must sacrifice all that is valuable in life Hear me then Madam The struggle is violent, but I owe it to myself to acknowledge all. HeL No, no, my dear girl ! I now see what it would cost you to reveal your secret, and I will not listen to it rest assured, I have no longer a thought to your disadvantage: Curiosity gives place to interest, for tho' 'tis cruelty to inflict a wound, 'tis still more deliberate barbarity to probe when we cannot hope to heal it. (going'). Fanny. Stay, madam, stay your generosity overpowers me ! oh madam ! you know not how wretched I am. Helen. What is it affects you thus ? come, if your story is of a nature that may be revealed, you are sure of sympathy. Fanny, I never should have doubted ; but my father has alarmed me sadly he says my Lord SO MAN AKD WIFE ; Austencourt is certainly on the point of marriage with you. Helen. And how, my clear girl, if it were so, could that affect you come, you must be ex- plicit. Fanny. Affect me ! merciful heaven ! can I see him wed another? He is my husband by every tie sacred and human. Helen. Suffering, but too credulous girl ! have you then trusted to his vows ? Fanny. How madam ! was I to blame loving as I did to trust in vows so solemn : could I sup- pose he would dare to break them, because our marriage was performed in secret! Helen. Your marriage child ! good heavens, you amaze me ! but here we may be interrupted this way with me If this indeed be so, all may be well again ; for tho' he may be dead to feeling be assured he is alive to fear : the man who once descends to be a villain is generally observed to be, at heart, a coward. [Exeunt * SCENE II. The door of a Country Inn. i PONDER sitting on a Portmanteau, Ponder. I've heard that intense thinking has driven some philosopher's mad! now if this should happen to me, 'twill never be the fate of my young patron, Mr. Charles Austencourt, whom I have suddenly met on his sudden return from sea, and who never thinks at ail Poor gentleman, he little thinks what A COMEDY. 31 Enter CHARLES AUSTENCOURT. Charles. Not gone yet? How comes it you are not on the road to my father ? Is the fellow deaf cr dumb. Ponder ! are ye asleep ? Ponder. I'm thinking, whether I am or not Charles. And what wise scheme occupies your thoughts ? Ponder. Sir, I confess the subject is beneath me. (pointing to the portmanteau.} Charles. The weight of the portmanteau, I sup- pose, alarms you. Ponder. If that was my heaviest misfortune, Sir, I could carry double with all my heart No, Sir I was thinking that as your father, Sir Rowland, sent you on a cruise for some cause best known to himself; and as you have thought proper to return for some cause best known to yourself, the chances of war (if I may be allowed the expression) are, that the contents of that trunk will be your only inheritance or in other words, that your father will cut you off with a shilling and now I'm. thinking Charles. No doubt thinking takes up so many of your waking hours, that you seldom find time for doing. And so you have since my departure turned your thinking faculties to the law. Ponder. Yes, Sir; when you gave me notice to quit, I found it so hard to live honestly, that lest the law should take to me, I took to the law ; and so articled myself to Mr. O'Dedimus, the attorney in our town : but there is a thought unconnected with law that has occupied my head every moment since we met. Charles. Pr'ythee dismiss your thoughts, and get your legs in motion. Ponder. Then, Sir, I have really been thinking, 32 MAN AND WIFE ; ever since I saw you, that you are a little (going off to a distance) a little odd hereabouts, Sir ? (point- ing to his head) a little damned mad, if I may be allowed the expression ! Charles. Ha! ha! very probably! my sudden return, without a motive, as you suppose, has put that wise notion in your head. Ponder. Without a motive ! No, Sir, I believe I know tolerably well the motive. The old story, Sir Lla! Love! Charles. Love ? And pray, sirrah, how do you dare to presume to suppose, that I that I can be guilty of such a folly I should be glad to know how you dare venture to think that I - - - Ponder. Lord bless you, Sir, I discovered it be- fore you left the country. Charles. Indeed ! and by what symptoms, pray ? Ponder. The old symptoms, Sir In the first place, frequent fits of my complaint. Charles. Your complaint ! ' Ponder. Yes thinking ! long reveries sud- den starts sentimental sighs fits of unobserving absence fidgets and fevers orders and counter- orders loss of memory loss of appetite loss of rest, and loss of your senses, if I may be allowed the expressipn. Charles. No, Sir you may not be allowed the expression 'tis impertinent, 'tis false. I never was unobserving or absent I never had the fidgets I never once mentioned the name of my adored Helen ; and, heigho ! I never sighed for her in my life ! Ponder. Nor I, Sir ; tho 1 I've been married these three years, I never once sighed for my dear wife in all that time heigho! Charles. I mustn't be angry with the fellow.-- A COMEDY; ss Why, I took you for an unobscrving blockhead, or I would never have trusted you so near me. Ponder . Then, Sir, you ?///$- took me I fancy it was in one of your most decided unobserving fits that you took we for a blockhead. Charles. Well, Sir I see you have discovered my secret; act wisely, and it may be of service to you. Ponder. Sir I haven't studied the law for no- thing. I'm no fool, if I may be allowed the ex- pression. Charles. I begin to suspect you have penetration enough to be useful to me. Ponder. And craving your pardon, Sir, I begin to suspect your want of that faculty, from your not having found out that before. Charles. I will now trust you, although ouce my servant, with the state of my heart. Ponder. Sir, that's very kind of you to trust your humble servant with a secret he had himself discovered ten months ago. Charles. Keep it with honour and prudence. Ponder. Sir, I hare kept it nobody knows of it that I know of, except a few of your friends many of your enemies most travelling strangers, and all your neighbours. Charles. Why, Zounds! you don't mean to /say that any body, except yourself, suspects me to be in love. Ponder. Suspects! no Sir ! Suspicion is out of the question ; it is taken as a proved fact in all society a bill found by every grand jury in the county. Charles. The devil it is '.Zounds ! I shall never be able to shew my face this will never do my boasted disdain of ever bowing to the power of love -How ridiculous will it now render me F 34 MAN AND WIFE ; While the mystery and sacred secrecy of this at- tachment constituted the chief delight it gave to the refinement, of my feelings O! I'll off to sea again! I won't stay here Order a post-chaise No Yes A chaise-and-four dye hear? . Ponder. Yes, Sir but I'm thinking Charles. What? Ponder. That it is possible you may alter your mind. Charles. No such thing, Sir I'll set off this moment order the chaise, I say Ponder. Think of it again, Sir. Charles. Will you obey my orders, or not ? Ponder. I think I will, (aside.} Poor gentle- man now could I blow him up into a blaze in a minute, by telling that his mistress is just on the point ,of marriage with his.- cousin, but tho' they say " ill news travels apace," they shall never say that I -rode postillion on the occasion. [Exit info Inn. Charles. Here's a discovery ! all my delicate management destroy 'd known all over the coun- try I'in;off! and yet to have travelled so far, and not to have one glympse of her ! but then to be pointccLat as a poor devil in love a silly incon- sistent boaster no, that \yon/t do but then I may bee her yes I'll see her once just once for three minutes or three minutes and a half at most no longer, positively- Ponder, Ponder! (Enter Ponder.} PoiifJer, \ say ' Pmder. Twish- you w.oiuln't interrupt me, for I'm thinking Charles. Damn your thinking, Sir. Ponder. I was. only 'thinking that you may have alter d . your m ind already. Charles. 1 have not altered my mind. But since I am here, I should be wanting in duty not; to A COMEDY. 35 pay my respects to my father ; so march on with the trunk Sir, Ponder. Yes Sir but if that's all you want to do Sir, you may spare yourself the trouble of going further, for most fortunately here he comes, and your noble cousin Lord Austencourt with him - Charles. The Devil ! 'Ponder. Yes Sir the Devil and his uncle, your father, if I may be allowed the expression. (Exit. Enter Sir ROWLAND and Lord AUSTENCOURT. Charles. My dear father, I am heartily glad to see you-~- Sir R. How is this Charles ! Returned thus unexpectedly? Charles. tTnexpected pleasure they say Sir, is always most welcome I hope you find it so. Sir R. This conduct youngster, requires ex- planation, Charles. Sir, I have it ready at my tongue'*' end* My Lord, I ask your pardon I'm glad to see you too Lord A. I wish, Sir, I could return the com- pliment; but this extraordinary conduct Charles. No apologies my Lord, for your civil speech you might easily have returned the com- pliment in the same words, and, believe me,, with as much sincerity as it was offered. Sir R t This is no time for dissention, Sir Lorct A. My cousin forgets, Sir Rowland, that altho' united by ties of consanguinity, birth and fortune have placed me in a station which com- mands some respect, Charles. No my Lord, for I also am in a station where I too command respect where I respect and am respected. I therefore well know what is due to my superiors ; and this duty I never forget, till 36 MAN AND W1VK ; those above me forget what they owe to them- selves. Lord A. I am not aware, good cousin, that I have ever yet forfeited my title to the respect I claim. Charles. You have, my lord ; for high rank forfeits every claim to distinction when it exacts submissive humility from those beneath it, while at the same time it refuses a graceful condescension in exchange. Sir R. Charles, Charles, these sentiments but ill become the dependant state in which fortune has placed you. Charles. Dependant state! Dependant upon whom ? What, on him my titled, tawdry cousin there? What are his pretensions that he shall pre- sume to brand me as a poor dependant? What are his claims to independence? How does h spend the income fortune has allotted to him? Does he rejoice to revive in. the mansion of his an- cestors the spirit of old English hospitality- do the eyes of aged tenants twinkle with joy when they hope his coming do the poor bless his ar- rival? I say no He is the lord of land and is also, what he seems still more proud of, a lord of parliament but I will front him in both capaci- ties, and frankly tell him, that in the first he is a burthen to his own estate, and not a benefactor und in the second, a peer, but not a prop. Sir R. Charles, how dare you thus persevere You cannot deny, rash and foolish boy, that you are in a dependant state Your very profession proves it. Charles. O, Father, spare that insult the pro- fession I glory to belong to, is above dependence ' Yes! while we live and light, \ve feel, and grate- 5 A COMEDY. 37 fully acknowledge, that our pay depends on our king and country, and therefore you mc.y style us dependent but, in the hour of battle, we wish for nothing more than to sho\v that the glory and safety of the nation depends on us and by our death or blood to repay all previous obligation. Sir R. Dismiss this subject. Charles. With all rny heart My cousin was the subject, and he's a fatiguing one. Sir R. Tho' you do not love your cousin, you ought to pay that deference to his rank, which you refuse to his person. Charles. Sir, I do like a fine mansion in the hands of a bad inhabitant I admire the building, but despise the tenant. Lord A. This insolence is intolerable, and will not be forgotten ! You may find, hot Sir, that where my friendship is despised, ray resentment may be feared. ^ I well know the latent motives for this insult it is the language of a losino* o-ame- ster, and is treated with deserved contempt by a successful rival. * [Exit. Charles. Ha! a successful rival! is this possi- ble? Sir R. It is the treaty of marriage between Lord Austencourt and Helen is this morning con- cluded. Charles. And does she consent ? Sir R. There can be little doubt of that. ^Charles. But little doubt! False Helen!- Come! Come! I know my Helen better. Sir R. I repeat my words, Sir It is not the curse of every parent to have a disobedient child. Charles. By heaven, Sir, that reflection cuts ine to the heart you have ever found in me the obedience, nay more, the affection of a son, 'till 38 MAN AND WIFE; circumstance on circumstance convinced me, I no longer possessed the affection of a father. Sir It. Charles weave too warm I feel that I have in some degree merited your severe reproof- give me your hand- and to convince you that you undervalue my feelings towards you* I will now confess that I have been employed during your absence, in planning an arrangement which will place you above the malice of fortune you know our neighbour Mrs. Kichland Charles. What the gay widow with a fat jointure ? What of her? Sir R. She will make not only a rhch, but a good wife. I know she likes you Fin sure of it. Charles. Likes me ? Sir R. I am convinced she does. Charles. But what the devil she doesn't mean to marry me surely Sir R. That will, I am convinced, depend upon yourself Charles. Will it ? then by the Lord, tho' I sin- cerely esteem her, I shall make my bo\v, and de- cline the honor at once. No, bir the heart is my aim, and all the gold I care for in the hand that gives it, is the modest ring that encom- passes the finger, and marks that hand as mine for ever. Sir /?. Thus I see another of my prospects blighted ! undutiful, degenerate boy ! your folly and obstinacy will punish themselves answer me not think of the proposal I have made you! obey your father's will, or for ever I renounce you! ' [Exit. Charles. Whoo ! here's a whirligig ! I've drifted on to a pleasant lee shore here!" Helen betrothed to another ! ! Impossible Oh Helen ! Helen !. A COMEDY. 39 Zounds ! I'm going to make a soliloquy ! this will never do -no 1'lf see Helen upbraid her false- hood drop one tear to her memory regain my frigate seek the enemy fight like a true bailor- die like a Briton, and leave my character and inemoty to my friends and my blessing and for- giveness to Helen. ;/. ND OF ACT II. 40 MAN AND WIFE; ACT II J. ; O'Dcdimus's Office. Ponder discovered seated. Ponder. oO! having executed my commission, let me think a little (sits down) for certain I, and my master, are too precious rogues (pauses.} I wonder whether or not \ve shall be discovered, as assistants in this sham marriage (pauses?) If we are, we shall he either transported or hanged, I wonder which : My lord's bribe, however, was convenient; and in all cases of conscience versus convenience, 'tis the general rule of practice to non- suit the plaintiff. I la 1 who's here? The poor girl herself. ( Enter Fanny.} I pity her ; but I've been bribed ; so I must be honest. Fanny. Oh, Sir, I'm in sad distress my father has discovered my intercourse with Lord Austen- court, and says, he is sure my Lord means to deny our marriage ; but v l have told him, as you and your master were present, I am sure you will both be ready to prove it, should my Lord act so basely. Ponder. I must mind my hits here, or shall get myself into a confounded scrape ready to do what, did you say, ma'am? to prove your marriage? Fanny. Yes as you both were present Ponder. Present! me! Lord bless me, what is it you mean? Marriage! prove! me! present! Fanny. Why do you hesitate come, come you do but jest with me you cannot have forgotten it Ponder. Hey ? why no ! but I can't say I remem- ber it-^- A COMEDY. 41 Fanny. Sure, sure, you cannot have the barba- rity to deny that you were a witness to the cere- mony ! Ponder. I may be mistaken I've a remarkably short memory but to the best of my recollection, I certainly Fanny. Aye you recollect it Ponder. I certainly never was present Fanny. Cruel you were indeed, indeed you were. Ponder. But at one wedding in my life. Fanny. And that was mine Ponder. No, that was mine. Fanny. Merciful heaven ! I see my fate it is disgrace and misery ? Ponder. Bless you, if I could remember it but I can't however I'll speak to my master about it; if lie recollects it, I dare say / shall. Fanny. I have then no hope and the fate of the hapless Fanny is decided. Ponder. Ha ! yonder I see comes my master and his lordship. I wonder what they are thinking of they're coming this way /think we had better retire. Fanny. Oh hide me, hide me! in any corner let me hide my head, from scorn, from misery, and most of all, from him Ponder. You can't escape that way, so you must come this they won't think of coming here, (puts her into another room.') Poor girl! I've a great mind to confess the whole affair. What shall I get by that? Nothing ! oh ! 'that's contrary to law ! [2E>. Enter Lord AUSTENCOUHT and OT>EDUJUS. Lord A. Are you certain no one can overhear us ? MAN AND WIFE ; . There's nobody can hear us except my oulcl house-keeper, and she's as deaf as St. Dun- Stan's clock strikers. Lord A. There is no time to be lost. You must irn mediately repair to Fanny tell her my affec- tion is unabated tell her I shall ever love her, and make her such pecuniary offers, as shall con- vince her of my esteem and affection; but we must mc % et no more. (Fanny utters a cry behind.) O'Ded. What's that? Lord A. We are betrayed ! O'l).ed. Och! 'tis only my old housekeeper Lord A. Your housekeeper ! I thought you told me she was deaf. O'Ded. Yes but she isn't dumb divil a word can she hear for sartain, but she's apt to say a great many, and so we may proceed. Lord A. You will easily accomplish this busi- ness with Fanny. O'Ded. I'm afraid not to tell you the truth my lord, I don't like the job. Lord A. Indeed and why Sir ? O'Ded. Somehow, when I see a poor girl with her pretty little eyes brim full of tears, which I think have no business to be there, I'm more apt to be busy in wiping' them away, than in say- ing cruel things that will make them flow faster you had better tell her all this yourself, my lord. Lord A. That Sir, is impossible if you decline it, I shall find some one less delicate. O'D.ed. There's reason in that, and if you send another to her, he may not be auite so delicate, as you say ; so I'll even undertake it myself. Lord A. The poor girl disposed of If the old fool her father, will be thus clamorous, we A COMEDY. 43 must not be nice as to the means of silencing him Money, I suppose, is his object. O'Ded. May be not If a rich man by accident disables a poor man from working, money may make him easy but when his feelings are delibe- rately tortured, devil fly away with the mercenary miser, if he will take shining dirt as a compensa- tion for cruelty. Lord A. I can dispense with moral reflections-* It may serve your purpose elsewhere, but to me, who know your practice, your preaching is ridi- culous What is it you propose? If the fellow won't be satisfied by money he must be removed. O'Dcd. Faith, 'tis a new way, sure enough, to make reparation to the feelings of a father, after having seduced his daughter under the plea of a false marriage performed by a sham priest, and a forged licence! Fanny, (behind) Oh, heaven! let me pass I must and will see him (enters) Oh, my lord! my lord! my husband! (she falls at his feet, he raises her). Surely my ears deceived me you cannot, cannot, mean it a false marriage ! a pretended priest! - What is to become of me? In mercy, kill me! -Let me not live to see my broken- hearted father expire with grief and shame, or live to curse me! Spare me but this, my lord, and I will love forgive will pray for you Lord A. This is a plot against me You placed her there on purpose to surprise me in the moment of unguarded weakness, O'Ded. By St. Patrick, how she came there is a most mysterious mystery to Cornelius O'Dedt- irrns, attorney at law. Lord A. Fanny, I intreat you, leave me. fanny. Oh, do not send me .from you! you, my lord, abandon thus to shame 4i MAN AND WIFE; cdness, the poor deluded victim of your treachery! Lord A, II a 1 1 ea v e m e, I ch a rge y o u ! Fanny. No, no, my dearest lord ! I cannot leave you! Whither shall I fly, if these arms deny me refuge ! Am I not yours? What if these wicked men refuse me justice ! There is another witness who will rise in dreadful evidence against you! Tis heaven itself! Tis there your vows were heard ! 'tis there, where truth resides, your vows are registered ! Then, oh ! reilect before you plunge too deep in guilt for repentance and re* treat reflect, that we are married ! Lord A. I cannot speak at present leave me, and we will meet again. Fanny. Do not command me from you I see your heart is softened by my tears Cherish the stranger Pity, in your breast 'tis noble ! excellent ! Such pity, in itself, is virtue! Oh, cherish it. my lord! nor let the selfish feelings of the world step in to smother it! Now! now, while it glows unstified in your heart.- Now, ere it dies, to be revived no more at once proclaim the triumph of your virtue, and receive into your arms a fond it.nd an acknowledged wife! Lord 4. Ha! impossible Urge me no more! I cannot will not hear you My heart has ever been your own my hand MUST be another's still we may love each other still we may sometimes meet Fanny (after a struggte). I understand you. No, Sir! Since it must be, we will meet no morel I know that there are laws but to these laws I disdain to fly ! Mhie is an injury that cannot be redressed, for the" only mortal witnesses to our union you have suborned the laws therefore can- not do me justice, and I will never inhuman as you are rl will never seek them for revenge. [Exit, '' Tin thinking, that if I was a lord, I A COMEDY. 45 should act in a clean contrary way By the pow- ers now, that man has got what 1 call a tough con- stitution his heart's made of stone, like a brick- wall ah, that a man should have the power of a man, and not know how to behave like a man ! Lord A. ^What's to he done? speak advise me ! Q'Dcd. That's it have you made up your mind already, that you ask me to advise you f Lord A. I know not how to act. O'Ded-. When a man's in doubt whether lie should act as an honest man or a rogue, there are two or three small reasons for choosing the ri^ht side. Lord A. What is't you mean, Sir OjDed. I mean this thing that as I suppose you're in doubt, whether to persecute the poor souls, or to marry the sweet girl in right earnest. Lord A. Marry her ! I have no such thoughts idiot! O'Ded. Ideot ! That's no proof of your lord- ship's wisdom to come and ask advice of one. ---Ideot, by St. Patrick ! an ideot's a fool, and that's a Christian name was never sprinkled upoa Cornelius O'Dedimus, attorney at law ! 'Lord A. I can feel for the unfortunate girl as well as you, but the idea of marrying her is too ri- diculous. G>J)ed. The unfortunate girl never knew misfor- tune 'till she knew you, my lord and I heartily wish your lordship may never look more ridiculous than you would do in performing an act of justice and mercy. Lord A. You presume strangely, Sir, on my confklence and condescension! O'Dcd. What! Are you corning over me now with the pride of your condescension. That for your condescension ! when a great man, my lord, 4fv MAN AND WIFE ; does me the honor to confide in me, he'll find me trusty and respectful but when he condescends to make me an agent and a partner in his iniquity, Ly your leave, from that moment there's an end of distinction between us. Lord A. There's no enduring this ! Scoundrel ! O'Dcd. Scoundrel! ditto, iny lord, ditto! If Tin a scoundrel, it was you that made me one, and by St. Patrick, there's a brace of us. Lord A. (Aside) The fellow has me in his power at present you see me irritated, and you ought to* bear with me let us think of this no more. The father and daughter must both be provided for out of that money which Sir Rowland still holds in trust for me. O'Ded. And if you depend upon that money to silence the old man, you might as well think to stop a mouse-hole with toasted cheese. Lord A. Pray explain, Sir. O'fied. Devil a penny of it is there left. Sir Rowland ventured it in a speculation, and all is lost Oh! blister my tongue, IVe let out the se- cret, sure enough ! Lord A. Indeed ! and what right had Sir Row- land to risk my property be assured I will exact every guinea of it. \yDed. That's just what I told him. Sir, says I, his lordship is one of the flinty-hearted ones, and devil a thirteener will he forgive you but, iny lord, it will utterly ruin Sir Rowland to re*- place it. Lord //. Sir Rowland should have thought of that before lie embarked my property in a hazardous enterprise. Inform him, Sir, from me, that I ex- TK*ct an instant account of it. I shall do that thing. Sir. But please A COMEDY. 47 to reflect a little the money, so laid out, was ho- nestly intended for your advantage. Lord A. Another word, Sir, and I shall think it necessary to employ another attorney. O'Ded. Sir, that's \ quietus .I've "clone only remember that if you proceed to extremities, I warrant you'll repent it. Lord A. You warrant O'Ded. Aye, Sir, and a warrant of attorney is reckoned decent good security. Lord A. Since "my uncle has so far forgotten his duty as a guardian, I have now an opportunity, which I shall not neglect, to bring him to a proper recollection you have nothing to do but to obey my orders ; and these are, that the fourteen thou- sand pounds, of which he has defrauded my estate, shall be immediately repaid look to it, Sir, and to the other affair you are entrusted with, and see that the law neglects no measures to recover what is due fo me. [Exit. O'Ded. And by St. Patrick, if the law gives you what is due to you that's what Tin too polite to mention you've had your swing in ini- quity long enough, and such swings are very apt to end in onp that's much too exalted for my notions. \_Exit. SCENE II. An apartment at Sir WILLOUGHBY'S, Enter Sir WILLOUGHBY, and WILLIAM meetly him, the latter delivers a letter. Will. The gentleman desired me to say he is below, Sir. SirfF. Hey? (reads) " My dear Worretr, I hope *' that a long absence from my native land has 48 MAN AND WIFE; " not obliterated the recollection of our friend- " ship. I have thought it right to adopt this * method of announcing my return, lest my too " sudden appearance should hurt your feelings by " deranging the delicate nerves of your amiable " lady. . Hey ! " Ever your's, " FREDERICK FALKNLR/' Bless my soul ! Falkner alive shew the gentle- man up ! Will. He's here, Sir. Enter FAT.KXER. Falk. My old friend, I rejoice to see you. Sir W. Friend Falkner, I shan't attempt to say how welcome your return is we all thought you dead and buried where have you been all these- years ? Falk. A wanderer ? Let that suffice. &> W. I see you still retain your old antipathy to answering questions, so I shall ask none - Have you been in France or among the Savages? Hey ? I remember you had a daughter at school is she alive ? Is she merry or miserable? Is she married ? Path. Zounds what a inedly ! France and Sava- ges ! marriage and misery !-- Sir W . Ods life I'm happy to see you \ I hav'nt been so cheerful or happy for many a day. Falk. How's your wife r Sir. W. Hey f thaflkye, Sir! why that excellent, good, Woman, is in liigh health in astonishing health by my troth I speak it with unspeakable joy, I think she's a better wife now than she was Avlieii I married her! (in a melancholy tone.) Folk. That must be a source of vast comfort to you I don't wonder at your being so cheerful and nappy. A COMEDY. 49 Sir W. True but it is'nt tliat that is, not altogether so no 'tis that I once more hold my friend Falkner by the hand, and that my daughter you remember your little favourite Helen Falkner. I do indeed ! Sir W. You are arrived at a critical mo- ment I mean shortly to marry her- Falkner. I forbid the banns ! Sir W. The devil you do ! Falkner. Pshaw ! "(aside) my feelings o'erstep my discretion. Take care what you're about If youVe an honest man, you'd rather see her dead than married to a villain Sir W. To be sure 1 would but the man I mean her to marry Falkner. Perhaps will never be her husband. Sir W. The devil he wont ! * why not? Falkner. Talk of something else you know I was always an eccentric being- Sir W. What the devil does he mean ? yes, yes, you was always eccentric but do you know ^ Falkner. I know more than I wish to know ; I've lived long enough in the world to know that roguery fattens on the same soil where honesty starves ; and I care little whether time adds to information which opens to me more and more the depravity of human nature* Sir W. Why, Falkner, you ar grown more a misanthrope than ever. Falkner. You know well enough I have had my vexations in life in an early stae of it I married Sir W. Every man has his trials I to MAN AND WIFE; Falkner. About two years afterwards I lost my wife. Sir W* That was a heavy misfortune ! however you hore it with fortitude. Falkner. I hore it easily. My wife was a wo- man without feelings she had not energy for great virtue, and she had no vice, because she had no passion life with her was a state of stagnation. Sir W. How different are the fates of men ! Falkner. In the next instance I had , friend whom I would have trusted with my life with moremy honour I need not tell you then I thought him the first of human beings- but \ was mistaken he understood my character no better than I knew his he confided to me a transaction which proved him to be a villain, and I commanded him never to see me more. Sir W. Bless me ! what was that trapsaction ? Falkner. It was a secret, and has remained so. Tho* I should have liked to hang the fellow, he had trusted me, and no living creature but himself and me at this day is possessed of it. Sir W. Strange indeed ; and what became of him? Falkner, I have not seen him since, but I shall see him in a few hours. Sir W. Indeed, is he in this neighbourhood ? Falkner. That circumstance of my friend, and a loss in the West Indies, which shook the fabric of my fortune to its foundation, drove me from the world I am now returned to it with better prospects my property which I then thought lr>st is doubledcircumstances have called me hither on an important errand, and Before we are four and twenty hours older, you. A COMEDY. 51 iliay see some changes which will make you doubt your own senses tor the remainder of your days Sir W. You astonish me mightily. Falkner. Yes you stare as if you were as- tonished : hut why do I stay chattering here ? I must be gone* Sir W. Nay, prythee now Falkner. Pshaw ! I have paid my first visit to you,, because you are the first in my es- teemdon't weaken it by awkward and unsea- sonable ceremony I must now about the bu- siness that brings me here -no interruption if you wish to see me again let me have my own way, and I may, perhaps, be back in half I hope you will be better disposed to attend to me. [Going. Charles* A moment, madam ! The whole ex-* planation lies in a word bas not your father con- cluded a treaty of marriage between you and Lord Austencourt A COMEDY. $5 Hden. He has Charles. There 'tis enough ! you have con- fessed it Helen.. (Stifling her tears.} Confess'd what ? you monster ! I've confessed nothing. Charles. Haven't you acknowledged that you are to be the wife of another? Helen. No. Charles. 'No ! won't you consent then ? Helen. Half an hour ago nothing on earth should have induced me to consent but since I see,, Charles, of what your temper is capahle, I shall think it more laudable to risk my hap- piness by obedience to my father, than by an ill-judged constancy to one who seems so *littl$ inclined to deserve it. [Exit. Charles. Hey? where am I ? sounds ! I see my whole error at once ! oh, Helen, Helen for mer- cy's sake one moment more? She's gone and lias left me in anger ! but I will see her again, and obtain her forgiveness fool, ideot, dolt, ass, that I am, to suffer my cursed temper to master reason and affection at the risk of losing the dearest blessing of life a lovely aud an amia- ble woman* Ex OF ACT MAN AND WIFE 5 ACT IV, SCENE L O'Dedimus's'office* nter CHARLES pulling in PONDLR by the collar* Charles. THIS way, Sirrah, this way, and limv out with your confession if you expect mercy at my hands. Pon. I will, Sir, I will but I expect no mer- cy at your hands, for you've already handled me most unmercifully (Charles shakes him), what would you please to have me confess, sir? Charles. I have seen old Abel Growse he lias told me the story of his daughter's mar- riage with this amiable cousin of mine now, sirrah, confess the truth were you present or were you not ? out with it* (shakes him) Pon. Now pray recollect yourself do, sir- think a little. Charles* Recollect myself r Pon. Aye, sir if you will but take time to reflect, you'll give me, time to collect my scat- tered thoughts, which you have completely shaken out of my pericranium. Charles. No equivocation, answer directly, or tho 1 you are no longer my servant, by heavens I'll Pon. Sir- for heaven's sake ! you'll shake A COMEDY. 57 nothing more out of me, depend on't If you'll be pleased to pause a moment I'll think of an answer. Charles. It requires no recollection to say whether you were a witness Pon. No indeed, sir ask my master if I was besides if I had been, my conscience wouid'nt let me disclose it. Charles. Your conscience ! good, and you're articled to an attorney ! Pon. True, sir but there's a deal of consci- ence in our office if my master knew I be- trayed his secrets even to you, I believe (in con- science,) he'd hang me if he could. Charles, If my old friend O'Dedimus proves a rogue at last, I shan't wonder that you have followed his example. Pon. No, sir, for I always follow my master's example, even tho' it should be in the path of roguery compliment apart sir, I always followed yours Charles* Puppy you trifle with my patience. Pon. No indeed, sir, I never play with edg'd tools. Charles. You wont acknowledge it then. Pon. Yes, sir, I'll acknowledge the truth, but I scorn a lie. Charles. 'Tis true I always thought you ho- nest I have ever trusted you, Ponder, even as a friend I do not believe you capable of de- ceiving me. Pon. Sir! (gulping} I can't swallow that ! it choaks me (falling on his knees') forgive me, dear master that was ; your threats I could with- stand your violence I could bear, but your 5* MAN AND WIFE: kindness and good opinion there is no Desisting ; promise you wont betray me Charles. So; now it comes I do Pon. Then, sir, the whole truth shall out they are married, sir and they are no t married, sir Charles. Enigma too ! Pon. Yes, sir they are married hut the priest was ordained by my master, and the licence was of his own granting and so they are not married, and now the enigma's explained Charles. Your master then is a villain! Pon. I don't know, sir-* that puzzles me but lie's such an honest fellow I can hardly think him a rogue~-tho' I fancy, sir, between ourselves he's like the rest of the world half and half or like punch, sir, a mixture of opposites Charles. So ! villany has been thriving in my absence. If you feel the attachment you profess why did you not confide this to me before? Pon. Sir, truth to speak, I did not tell you, be- eause,knowing the natural gentleness of your dispo- sition.which I have so often admired Iwas alarm- ed, lest the sudden shock should cause one of those irascible fits, which I have so often witnessed, and produce some of those shakes and buffets, which to my unspeakable astonishment, I have so often experienced. Charles* And which, I can tell you, you have now so narrowly escaped Pon. True sir, I have escaped as narrowly as a felon who gets his reprieve five minutes after exe- cution* Charles. Something must be done I am in- volved in a quarrel with Helen too! curse on my irritable temper A COM EDIT. $0 Pon. So I say, sir try and mend itpray do a Charles. I am resolved to have another inter- view with her; to throw myself at her feet, and sue for pardon! Tho' fate should oppose our uni- on, I may still preserve her from the arms of a villain, who is capable of deceiving the innocent he could not seduce ; and of planting a dagger in the female heart, where nature has bestowed her softest attributes, and has only left it weak, that man might cherish, shelter, and protect it [Exit. Pon. So! Now I'm a rogue both ways If I escape punishment one way, I shall certainly meet it the other But if my good luck saves me both ways I shall never more credit a fortune-teller for one once predicted, that I was born to be baD S' d - [Exit. SCENE II. Sir Rowland's. Enter Sin ROWLAND and O'DEDIMUS. Sir R. You have betrayed me then ! Did not I caution you to keep secret from my nephew this accursed loss. O'Ded. And so you did sure enough but somehow it slipt out before I said a word about it: but I told him it was a secret, and I dare say he wont mention it Sir R. But you say, that he demands the imme- diate liquidation O'Ded. Aye, sir, and has given me orders to proceed against you Sir R. Is it possible in a moment could I ar- rest his impious progress but I will probe him to the quick did he threaten me, say you? There is however one way to save him from this public I 8 60 MAN AND WIFE: avowal of bis baseness, and me from bis intended persecution -a marriage between Cbarles and Mrs. Ricbland. O'Ded* Tbe widow's as rich as tbe Wicklow mines ! Sir R. Tbe boy refuses to comply with my wishes; we may find ways, however, to compel him O'Ded. He's a sailor; and gentlemen of his kidney are generally pretty tough when they take a notion in their heads. Sir R. I am resolved to carry my point. I have reason to believe you advanced him a sum of money. O'Ded. I did that thing he's a brave fellow I'd do that thing again Sir R. You did wrong, sir, to encourage a young spenthrift in disobedience to his father. O'Ded. I did right, sir, to assist the son of a client, and the nephew of a benefactor, especially when his father had'nt the civility to do it. Sir. R. Mr. ODedimus, you grow imperti- nent. O'Ded. Sir Rowland, I grow old ; and 'tis one privilege of age to grow blunt. I advanced your son a sum of money, because I esteemed him. I tack'd no usurious obligation to the bond he gave me, and I never came to ask you for security 'Sir R' You have his bond then O'Ded. I have, sir; his bond and judgment for two hundred pounds. .Sir R. It is enough then you can indeed as- sist my views, the dread of confinement will, no doubt, alter his resolutions, you must enter up.judgment, and proceed on your bond O'JDed. If I proceed upon my bond, it will be very much against my judgment A COMEDf. 61 Sir R. In order to alarm him, you must arrest him immediately O'Ded* Sir Rowland, I wish to treat you with respect but when without a blush on your cheek you ask me to make myself a rascal, I must either be a scoundrel ready-made to your hands., for re- specting you, or a damn'd hypocrite for pretend- ing to do it I see you are angry, sir, and I can't help that; and so, having delivered my message, tor fear I should say any thing uncivil or ungen- teel, I wish you a most beautiful good morn- ing- [Exit. Sir R. Then I have but one way left my fa- tal secret must be publicly revealed oh horror! ruin irretrievable is preferable never never that secret shall die with me. (Enter Falkner) as 'tis probably already buried in the grave with Falkner. Falk* 'Tis false 'tis buried only in his heart! SirR. Falkner! Falk. 'Tis eighteen years since last \ve met. You have not, i find, forgotten the theme on which we parted. Sir R. Oh, no! my heart's reproaches never would allow me ! Oh Falkner I and the world for many years have thought you numbered with the dead. Falk. To the world I was so I have returned to it to do an act of justice. Sir R. Will you then betray me? Falk. During eighteen years, sir, I have beea the depositary of a secret, which, if it does not actually affect your life, affects what should be dearer than life, your honor. If, in the moment, that your ill-judged confidence avowed you as the man you are, and robbed me of that friend- te MAN AND WIFE: ship which I held sacred as my being If in that bitter moment I concealer! my knowledge of your guilt from an imperious principle of honor, It is not likely, that the years which time has ad- ded to my life, should have taught me perfidy your secret still is safe Sir R. Oh, Falkner you have snatched a load of misery from my heart I breathe I live again Falk. Your exultation flows from a polluted source I return to the world to seek you to warn and to expostulate I come to urge you to brave the infamy you have deserved to court disgrace as the punishment you merit-*- briefly to avow your guilty secret- Sir R. Name it not for mercy's sake ! It is impossible! How shall I sustain the world's con- tempt its scorn revilings and reproaches ? Falk. Can he, who has sustained so long the reproaches of his conscience, fear the world's re- vilings ? Oh Austencourt ! Once you had a heart. Sir R. Sir it is callous now to every thing but shame, when it lostj/ow, it's dearest only friend, its noblest feelings were extinguished my crime has been my punishment, for it has brought on me nothing but remorse and misery still is my fame untainted by the world, and I will never court its contumely Falk. You are determined Sir R. I am ! Falk. Have you no fear from me? Sir R> None ! You have renewed your pro- mise, and I am safe. Falk. Nothing then remains for me but to re- turti to that osbcurity from whence I have emerged A COMEDY. & had I found you barely leaning to the side of virtue, I had arguments to urge that might have fixed a wavering purpose, but I find you reso- lute hardened and determined in guilt, and I leave you to your fate Sir R. Stay, Faikner there is a meaning in your words 1 Falk* A dreadful precipice lies before you, be wary how you tread 1 there is a being injured by your -by Lord Austencourt *see that he makes her reparation by an immediate marriage look first to that Sir R. To such a degradation could / forget my noble ancestry, he never will consent. Falk* Look next to yourself he is not a half Tillain and it is not the ties of consanguinity- will save you from a jail. Beware how you pro- ceed with Charles you seel am acquainted with more than you suspected look to it, sir, for the day is not yet passed that by restoring you to vir* tue, may restore to you a friend ; or should you persevere in guilty silence, that may draw down unexpected vengeance on your head [Exit. Sir R. Mysterious man ! a moment stay ! I cannot live in this dreadful uncertainty! what- ever is my fate, it shall be decided quickly. [Jfcif. SCENE III. An Apartment at Sir WillQUgh- ly's; a Door in the Flat. Enter HELEN and CHARLES. Helen. I tell you, it is useless to follow me; sir. The proud spirit you evinced this morning, 64 MAN AND W1FL: might have saved you methinks from this mean- ness of solicitation Charles. Surely now a frank acknowledgement of error deserves a milder epithet than meanness Helen. As you seem equally disposed, sir, to quarrel with my words, -as you are to question my conduct, I fear you will have little cause to con- gratulate yourself on this forced and tiresome in- terview^ Charles. Forced interview! Did ever woman so consider the anxiety of a lover to seek expla- nation and forgiveness ! Helen, Helen, you tor- ture me is this generous? is it like yourself? surely if you lov'd me Helen. Charles I do love you that is I did love you, but 1 don't love you but (aside) ah I now I'm going to make bad worse Charles. But what, Helen ? Helen. The violence of temper you have disco- vered this morning, has shewn me the dark side of your character; it has given a pause to affec- tion, and afforded me time to reflect now tho* I do really and truly believe that you love me Charles. Sir W. (behind) I must see my daughter di- rectly where is she ? Enter TIFFANY running. Tiffany. Ma'am, ma'am, your father's corning up stairs, with a letter in his hand, muttering something about Mr. Charles ; as sure as life you'll be discovered. Helen. For heav'n'ssake hide yourself I'would not have him find you here for worlds here, step into the music-room. Charles* Promise me first your forgiveness A COMEDY. 05 Helen. Charles, retire, I entreat you make haste lie is here Charles. On my knees Helen. Then kneel in the next room. Charles* Give me but your hand Helen. That is now at my own disposal I be- seech you go (Charles just gains the door when enter Sir Wdloughby with a letter in Iris hand, and Lady Worrett Sir W. Gadzooks ! Here's a discovery I Helen. A discovery, sir? (Helen looks at the door). Sir ]V. Aye, a discovery indeed ! Odslife ! I'm in a furious passion ! Helen. Dear Sir not with me I hope Lady W. Let me entreat you Sir Wdloughby to compose yourself recollect that anger is very apt to bring on the gout. Sir W. Damn the gout I must he in a passion my life harkye, daughter Helen. They know he's here ! so I may as well wn it at once. Lady W. Pray compose yourself, remember we have no proof. Sir IV. Why that's true that is remarkably true I must compose myself I will I do I am composed and now let me open the affair with coolness and deliberation ! Daughter, come hi- ther. Helen. Yes, sir now for it! Sir W. Daughter, you are in general, a very good, dutiful, and obedient child Helen. I know it, papa and was from a child, and I always will be. Lady W. Allow me, Sir Willoughby you are in general child, a very headstrong, disobedient, and undutiful daughter. 66 MAN AND WIFE: Helen. I know it, mamma and was from a child, and always will be. Lady W. How, madam ! Remember, Sir Wil- loughby tbere is a proper medium between too violent a severity, and too gentle a lenity. SirW. Zounds, madam, in your own curs'd eco- nomy there is no medium but don't bawl so, or we shall be overheard Lady W. Sir Willoughby, you are very ill I'm sure but I must now attend to this business daughter, we have heard that Charles Sir W. Lady Worrett, my love let me speak ' you know,, child, it is the duty of an obedient daughter, to obey her parents. Helen. 1 know it, papa and when I obey you, I am, generally > obedient. Lady W. In short, child, I say again, we learn that Charles Sir W* Lady Worrett, Lady Worrett, you are too abrupt od-rabbit it, madam, I will be heard this affair concerns the honor of my fami- ly, and on this one occasion, I will be my own spokesman. Lady W. Oh heavens ! Your violence affects my brain. Sir. W. Does it? I wish it would affect your tongue, with all my heart bless my soul, what have I said ! Lady Worrett ! Lady Worrett ! you drive me out of iny senses, and then wonder that I act like a madman Lady W. Barbarous man your cruelty will break my heart, and I shall leave you, Sir Wil- loughby, to deplore my loss, in unavailing de- spair, and everlasting anguish. [Exit. Sir IV. (aside) I am afraid not such despair and anguish will never be my happy lot ! bless me how quiet the room is what can be A COMEDY. 67 oh my .wife's gone ! now then we may proceed to business and so daughter, this young fel- low, Charles, has dared to return in direct dis- obedience to his father's commands. Helen. I had better confess it all at once he has, he has my dear papa, I do confess, it was very, very wrong but pray now do forgive Sir W. I forgive him never -nor his fa- ther will never forgive him, Sir Rowland writes me here, to take care of you, I have before given him my solemn promise to prevent.your meeting, and I am sorry to say, 1 hav'rit the least doubt that you know he is here, and will Helen. I do confess, he is here papa .Sir IV. Yes, you'll confess it fast enough, now I've found it out Helen. Indeed I was so afraid you would find it out, that I Sir W. Find it out ! his father writes me word* he has been here in the village these three hours ! Helen. In the village.! Oh, what you heard he was in the village ? O Sir W. Yes, and being afraid he should find his way to my house, egad I never was brisker after the fox-hounds, than I was after you, in fear of finding you at a fault, you puss Helen. Oh! you were afrafd he should come here, were you ? Sir. IV. Yes, but Til take care he shan't how- ever, as my maxim is (now my wife doesn't hear me), to trust your sex no farther than I can pos- sibly help I shall just put you, my dear child, under lock and key, 'till this young son of the ocean, is bundled off to sea again. Helen. What! lock me up? ** MAN AND WIFE: Sir W. Damme if I dont come walk into that room, and I'll take the key with me. (Point- ing, to the room where Charles entered). Helen. Into that room? Sir W. Yes. Helen. And do you think I shall stay there bv myself? SirW. No, no here Tiffany ! (ENTEU Tip- ^T )~ Miss Pert > here ' sha]1 kee PJu company I have no whisperings thro' key-holes, nor let- ters thrust under doors. Helen. And you'll really lock me up in that room Sir W. Upon my soul I will. : Helen. Now dear papa, be persuaded take mv advice, and don't Sir W. If I .don't,! Wish yoti may be in Charles Austencourt's arms in three minutes from this present speaking. Helen. And if you do, take my word for it I might be in his arms if I chose, in less than two minutes from this present warning. Sir IV. Might you so ? Ha ! ha ! I'll give you 'eave it you canfor unless you jump into them out of the window, 111 defy the devil and all his imps to bring you together. Helen. We shall come together without their assistance depend on it, papa. Sir W. Very welland now, my dear, walk in. Helen. With all my heart, only remember you had- better ^not (He pats her in.) Sir IV. That's a good girland you, you bao*. gage, m with you (to Tiffany, who %oes in. ) Sir W. (Shuts the door and locks it,) f Safe bind. A COMEDY. 69 safe find/' is one of my lady Worrell's favourite proverbs ; and that's the only reason why I in general dislike it. (Going*) Enter FALKNER. Sir W. Once more welcome, my clear Falk- ner. What brings you back so soon ? Falk. You have a daughter Sir W Well, I know I have. Falk* And a wife Sir W. I'm much obliged to you for the in- formation You have been a widower some years I believe. Falk. What of that, do you envy me ? Sir W. Envy you, what, because you are a wi- dower? Eh ! Zounds, I believe he is laughing at me (aside. ) Falk. I am just informed that every thing is finally arranged between your lady and his lord- ship respecting Helen's marriage. Sir W. Yes, every thing is happily settled. Falk. \ am sincerely sorry to hear it. ^ Sir W. You are ! I should have thought Mr. Falkner, that my daughter's happiness was dear to you. Falk. It is, and therefore I do not wish to see her married to Lord Austencourt. Sir W. Why then what the devil is it you mean ? Falk. To see her married to the man of her heart, with whom I trust to see heras hapoy -as you are with Lady Worrett. Sir W. Yes, ha i ha ha ! yes ! but you are in jest respecting my daughter. Falk. No matter ! where is Helen ? Sir W. Safe under lock and key. Falk. Under lock and kev ! 70 MAN AND WIFE : Sir IV. Aye, in that very room I've lock'cl her up to keep her from that hot-headed young rogue Charles Austencourt should you like to see her ? she's grown a fine young woman ! Folk. With all my heart ! Sir IV. You'll be surprised, I can tell you Fa Ik. I dare say Sir W. We'll pop in upon her when she least expects it I'll bet my life you'll be astonished at her appearance. Fa Ik. Well, I shall be glad to see your daugh- ter but she must not marry this Lord. Sir W. No ! who then ? Falk. The man she loves Sz'r W. Hey ! Oh yes ! but who do you mean ? Charles Austencourt ? (Opening the door.) Enter LADY, WORRETT, suddenly. Lady W. Charles Austencourt ! Falk. (Aloud and striking the floor zvith his stick) Aye. Charles Austencourt. Charles, (entering) Here am I. who calls? [HELEN and TIFFANY, cowe./br- toard and TIFFANY goes 0ff. Sir W. Fire and faggots ! what do I see Lady W. Ah ! heavens defend me what do, I be- hold ! Falk. Why is this the surprise you. promised me? tbe astonishment seems general. Pray, Sir Willoughby, explain this puppet show ! Lady IV. Aye! pray Sir VVilloughby explain Sir IV. Curse me if I can. Helen. I told you how it would be, papa, and you would not believe me ! Sir IV. So! pray, sir, condescend to inform Lady Worrett and me, how you introduced yourself into that most extraordinary situation. A COMEDY. 71 Charles. Sir, I shall make no mystery of it, nor attempt to screen you from her Ladyship's just re- proaches, by concealing, one atom' of the truth. lire tact is, madam, that Sir Willoughby not only in my hearing, gave Miss Helen his unrestricted permission to throw herself into my arms, but ac- tually forced her into the room where I was quietly seated, and positively and deliberately lock'd us in together ! Lady W. Oh ! I shall expire ! Sir W. I've heard of matchless impudence but curse me if this isn't the paragon of the species ! Zounds ! I'm in a wonderful passion ! Daughter I am resolved to have this affair explained & to my satisfaction. Helen. You may have it explained, papa, but I fear it won't be to your satisfaction. Charles. No, sir nor to her Ladyship's either and now, as my situation here is not remarkably agreeable I take my leavemadam, your most obedientand Sir Willouo-hby, the next time you propose an agreeable surprise for your friends Sir W. Harkye sir how you came into my house I can't tellbut if you don't presently walk out of it Charles. I say I heartily hope that you may accomplish your purpose Sir W. Zounds, sir, leave my house Charles. Without finding yourself the most astonished of the party ! [Exit. Sir W. Thank heaven my house is rid of him/ Lady W. As usual, Sir Willoughby, a precious business you've made of this ! Sir - W. Death and furies, my Lady Worrett Falk* Gently, my old friend, gently I'm one oo many here during these little domestic discus- 72 MAN AND WIFE : sions but before I go, on two points let me cau- tion you; let your daughter choose her own hus- band if you wish her to have one without leaping out of window to get at him; and be r master of your own house and your own wife if you do not wish to continue, \vhat you now are, the laugh- ing-stock of all your acquaintanee. [Exit. Lady W. Ah ! the barbarian ! Sir W. (Appears astonished) I'm thunder- struck (wakes signs to Helen to go before.) Helen. Won't you go first, papa? Sir W. Hey ? If I lose sight of you till you've explained this business., may I be laid up with the gout while you are galloping to Gretna Green ! *' Be master of your house and wife if you don't wish to continue, what you now are I Hey ? the laughing-stock of all your acquaintance ! Sir Willoughby Worrctt the laughing-stock of all his acquaintance! I think I see myself the laughing- stock of all my acquaintance! (pointing to the floor} I'll follow you ladies! I'll reform! 'tis never too late to mend ! [Exeunt* ESD OF THE FOURTH ACT. A COMEDY. ACT V. SCENE I. An Apartment at Sir IVilloughby Enter SIR WILLOUGHBV and LADY WORRETT. Sir W* Lady Worrett ! Lady Worrett ! I will have a reform. I am at last resolved to be mas- ter of my own house, and so let us come to a right understanding, and I dare say we shall be the better friends for it in future. LadyW. You shall see, Sir Wi Hough by, that I can change as suddenly as yourself! Though you have seen my delicate system deranged on slight occasions, you will find that in essential ones I have still spirit for resentment. Sir W* I'll have my house in future con- ducted as a gentleman's should be< and I will no longer suffer my wife to make herself the object of ridicule to all her servants. So I'll give up the folly of wishing to be thought a tender hus- band, for the real honour of being found a.re- spectable one. I'll make a glorious bonfire of all your musty collection of family receipt-books ! and when I deliver up your keys to an honest housekeeper, I'll keep one back of a snug apart- ment in which to deposit a rebellious wife. Lady IV* That will be indeed the way to make 74 MAN AND WIFE; yourself respectable. I have found means to ma- nage you for some years, and it will be my own fault if I don't do so still. Sir IV. Surely I dream ! what ? have you ma- naged me ? Hey ? Zounds ! I never suspected that. Has Sir Wil lough by Worrctt been lead in leading-strings all this time ? Death and forty devils, Madam, have you presumed to manage me? Lady IV. Yes, Sir; but you had better be silent on the subject, unless you mean to expose yourself to your daughter and all the world. Sir IV. Aye, Madam, with all my heart; my daughter and all the world shall know it. Enter HELEN. Helen. Here's apretty piece of work i what's the matter now, I wonder ? Lady IV. How dare you overhear our domes- tic dissentions. What business have you to know we were quarrelling, Madam ? Helen. Lord love you ! if I had heard it, I should not have listened for its nothing" new, you know, when you're alone ; though you both look so loving in public. Sir IV. That's true that is lamentably true . but all the world shallknow it I'll proclaim it I'll print it I'll advertize it ! She has usurped my rights and my power ; and her fate, as every usurper's should be, shall be public downfall and disgrace. Helen. What, papa ! and won't you let mamma* in-law rule the roast any longer? Sir IV. No! I am resolved from this moment no longer to give way to her absurd whims and wishes. Helen. You are ! Sir IV. Absolutely and immoveably. A COMEDY. 75 Helen. And you will venture to contradict her ? Sir W. On every occasion right or wrong. Helen. That's right -Pray, Madam, don't you wish me to marry Lord Austencourt? Lady W. You know my will on that head, Miss Helen. Helen. Tilery papa, of course you wish me to marry Charles Austencourt. Sir W. What ! no such thing no such thing what \ marry a beggar ? Helen. But you won't let Mama rule the roast, will you, Sir ? Sir IV. 'Tis a great match ! I believe in that one, point we shall still agree LadyW- You may spare your persuasions, Ma- dam, and leave the room Sir W. What my daughter leave the room ? Stay here, Helen. Helen. To be sure I shall I came on purpose to tell you the news ! oh, Us a pretty piece of work ! Sir W. What does the girl mean ? Helen. Why, I mean that in order to ruin a poor innocent girl, in our neighbourhood, this amiable Lord has prevailed on her to consent to a private marriage and it now comes out that it was all a mock marriage, performed by a sham priest, and a false license ! Lady IV* I don't believe one word of it. Sir W. But I do and shall inquire into it immediately. Lady W." Such a match for your daughter is not to be relinquished on slight grounds; and though his Lordship should have been guilty of L 2 76 MAN AND WIFE; some indiscretion, it will not alter my resolution respecting his union with Helen. Sir W^ No but it will mine and to prove to you, Madam, that however you may rule your household, you shall no longer rule me if the story has any foundation I say she shall not marry Lord Austencourt, Lady W. Shall not? Sir IV. No, Madam, shall not and so ends your management, and thus begins my career of new-born authoriry. I'm out of leading-strings now., and Madam, I'll manage you, damn me it I do not ! [Exit Sir Willoughby. Helen (to Lady W.) You hear papa's will on that head, Ma'am. Lady W. I hear nothing i I see nothing ! I shall go mad with vexation and disappointment, and if I do not break his resolution, I am deter- mined to break his heart ; and my own heart, and your heart, and the hearts of all the rest of the family. \_Exit. Helen. There she goes, with a laudable matri- monial resolution. IJeigho ! with such an ex- ample before my eyes, I believe I shall never have resolution to die an old maid. Oh, Charles, Charles why did you take me at my word ? Bless me ! sure 1 saw him then 'tis he indeed ! So, my gen- tleman, are you there? I'll just retire and watch his motions a little (retires.} Enter Charles Austencourt, cautiously. Charles. What a pretty state am I reduced to ? though I am resolved to speak with this ungrate- ful girl but once more before I leave her for ever, A COMEDY. 77 here am I, skulking under the enemy's batteries as though I was afraid of an encounter ! Yes, I'll see her, upbraid her, and then leave her for ever ! heigho ! she's a false, deceitful dear, bewitching girl, and however, I am resolved that nothing on earth not even her tears, shall now induce me to forgive her. (Tiffany crosses the stage.} Charles. Ha ! harkye, young woman ! pray are the family at home ? Tiffany. My lady is at home, Sir would you please to see her ? Charles. Your lady do you mean your young lady ? Tiffany. No, Sir, I mean my lady. Charles. What, your old lady? No I don't wish to see her. Are all the rest of the family from home Tiffany. No, Sir Sir Willoughby is within I'll tell him you are here, (going.) Charles. By no means stay stay ! what- then, they are all at home, except Miss Helen- Tiffany. She's at home too, Sir but 1 suppose she don't wish to see you. Charles. You suppose ! Tiffany. I'm sine she's been in a monstrous ill- humour ever since you came back, Sir-*- Charles. The nevil she has! and pray now are you of opinion that my return is the cause of her ill- hum our ? Tiffany. Lord, Sir what interest have I in knowing such things ? Charles. Interest f oh, ho ! the old story ! why hark ye, my dear your mistress has a lord for her lover, so I suppose he has secured a warmer inte- rest than I can afford to purchase however, I know the custom, and thu> I comply with it, in T MAN AND WII'E ; hopes you will tell me whether you really think my return has caused your young mistress' ill- hu m ou r ( gives money ) . Tiffany. A guinea ! well! I declare! why really, Sir when I say Miss Helen has heen out of humour on your account, I don't mean to say it is on account of your return^ but on account of your going away again Charles. No ! my dear Tiffany ! -Tiffany. And I am sure I don't wonder at her toeing cross about it, for if I was my mistress I never would listen with patience (any more than she does) to such a disagreeable creature as my lord, while such a generous nice gentleman as you was ready to make love to me. Charles. You couldn't ? Tiffany. No, Sir-r and I'm sure she's quite al- tered and melancholy gone since you quarrelled with her, and she vows now more than ever that she never will consent to marry my lord, or any body but you (Helen comes forward gently.) Charles* My clear Tiffany ! let me catch the sounds from your rosy lips. (Kisses her) Helen, (separating them) Bless me! I am afraid I interrupt business here! Charles. I I I Upon my soul, Madam what you saw was Tiff. Ye ye yes upon my word, Ma'am what you saw was. Helen. What I saw was very clear indeed 1 Charles* Hear me but explain you do not understand. Helen. I rather think I do understand Tiffany. Indeed, Ma'am, Mr* Charles was only whispering something I was to tell you Helen. And pray, Ma'am, do you suffer gentle- A COMEDY. 79 Biew in general to whisper in that fashion ? wh;it arid I have deserved my punishment ! M [Exit Sir R. 62 MAN AND WIFE ; Charles. So ! I'm much mistaken, or there'll be a glorious bustle presently at the old law- yer's He has sent to beg I'll attend, and as my heart is a little at rest in this quarter, I'll e'en see what's going forward in that whether his in- tention be to expose orto abet a villain, still I'll be one amongst them ; for while I have a heart to feel and a hand to act, lean never be an idle spectator when insulted virtue raises her suppli- cating voice on one side, and persecution dares to lift his unblushing|head on the other. [Exit. SCENE II. O'Dedimus's Office. Enter O'DEDIMUS and PONDER. O'Ded. You've done the business, you say ! Pon. Aye, and the parties will all be here pre- sently. O'Ded. That's it! you're sure you haven't blabbed now ? Pon. Blabbed I ha, ha, ha ! what do you take ni e for ? O'Ded. What do I take you for, Mr. Brass ? Why I take you for one that will never be choak- ecl by politeness. Pon. Why, Lord, Sir, what could a lawyer do without impudence ? for tho' they say "honesty's the best policy" a lawyer generally finds his pur- pose better answered by a Policy of Assurance. O'Ded. But hark ! somebody's coming already, step where I told you, and make haste. Pon. On this occasion I lay by the lawyer and take up the Christian. Benevolence runs fast but law is lazy and moves slowly. [Exit. A COMEDY. 3 Enter FALKNER as ABEL GROWSE, Abel Growse. I have obeyed your summons ! what have you to say in palliation of the in- jury you have done me ! O'Ded. Faith and I shall say a small matter about it. What I have done I have performed* and what I have performed I shall justify. Abel Growse. Indeed ! can you justify fraud and villany To business, Sir wherefore am I summoned here ? O'Ded. That's it! upon my conscience I'm too modest to tell you. Abel Growse. Nature and education have made you modest, you were born an Irishman and bred an attorney O'Ded. And take my word for it, when nature forms an Irishman, if she makes some little blun- der in the contrivance of his head, it is because she bestows so much pains on the construction of his heart. Abel Growse. That may be partially true but to hear you profess sentiments of feeling and jus- tice reminds me of our advertising money-lenders who, while they practice usury and extortion on the world, assure them that " the strictest honor and liberality may be relied on ;" and now,Sir once moreyour business with me O'Ded. Sure, Sir, I sent for you to ask one small bit of a favor. Abel Growse. From me ? 1 O'Ded. Aye from you and the favor is, that before you honor me with the appellation of scoun- drel, villain, pettifogger, and some other such little genteel epithets, you will be pleased to exa- mine my title to such distinctions, Mi 84 MAN AND WIFE; Abel Gro-wse. From you, however, 1 have no hopes. You have denied your presence at the infamous and sacrilegious mockery of my daugh- ter's marriage. O'Ded* That's a mistake, Sir I never did deny it Abel Growse* Ha ! you acknowledge it then ! O'Ded. That's another mistake, Sir, for I never did acknowledge it. Abel Growst. Fortunately, my hopes rest on a surer basis than your honesty ; circumstances have placed in one of my hands the scales of jus- tice, and the other her sword for punishment. O'Ded. Faith, Sir, tho' you may be a fit repre- sentative of the old blind gentlewoman called Jus- tice,sheshowed little discernment when she pitched upon you and overlooked Mr. Cornelius O'De- dimus, attorney at law. And now, Sir, be pleased to step into that room and wait a moment while I transact a little business with one who is coming yonder* AbtlGrowse. I came hither to obey 'you, for I have some suspicion of your intentions; and let us hope that one virtuous action, if you have courage to perform it, will serve as a spunge to all the roguery you have committed, either as an attorney or as a man. [Exit to an inner room. O'Ded. That blunt little fellow has got a sharp tongue in his head. He's an odd compound; just like a great big roasted potatoe all crusty and crabbed without, but mealy and soft-hearted within He takes me to be half a rogue and all the rest of me a scoundrel Och i by St.Patrick I I'll bother his brains presently. A COMEDY. 5 Enter Sin ROWLAND, LOUD AUSTENCOUUT and CHARLES. Lord A. Further discussion, Sir is useless.- If I am to be disappointed in this marrriage, a still more strict attention to my own affairs is neces- sary. ir R. I appeal fearlessly to this man, who has betrayed me, whether your interest was not my sole motive in the appropriation of your property. Lord A. That assertion, Sir, I was prepared to hear, but will not listen to Sir R. Beware^ Lord Austencourt, beware how you proceed! LordA* Do you again threaten me ? ( To O'Dedi- mus) are my orders obeyed ? is every thing in readiness ? O'Ded. The officers are in waiting ! . Charles. Hold, monster proceed at your pe- ril. To me you shall answer this atrocious con- duct. Lord A: To you ? Charles* Aye, Sir, to me, if you have the cou- rage of a man ! "Lord A* I will no longer support these in- sults call in the officers 1 Enter Sin WILLOUGHBY, LADY WORRETT, and HELEN. Sir W. Hey ! Zounds, did you take me and my Lady Worrett for sheriff's officers, my Lord ? Lord A. I have one condition to propose If that lady accepts my hand I consent to stop the proceedings that alone can alter my purpose* Charles. Inhuman torturer ! S6 MAN AND WIFE; Helen. Were my heart as free as air, I never would consent to a union with such a monster ! SirW. And \you would, curse me if /would nor my Lady Worrett either. Sir R* Let him fulfil his purpose if he dare ! I now see the black corruptness of his heart ; and tho' my life were at stake, I would pay the forfeit, rather than immolate innocence in the arms of such depravity. Lord A. Call in the officers, I say ! O'Ded. (Without moving)! shall do that thing ! Lord A. 'Tis justice I demand justice and re- venge alike direct me, and their united voice shall be obeyed. Falkner. {enters suddenly] They shall ! behold me here, thou miscreant to urge it ! justice and re- venge you call for, and they shall both fall heavi- ly upon you. Sir R. Falkner ! O'Ded. What ! Abel Grouse, Mr. Falkner ! here's a transmogrification for you ! Sir R. How 1 Falkner,and the unknown Cot- tager the same person? Falkner. Aye, Sir ! the man who cautioned you to day in vain who warned you of the preci- pice beneath your feet,and was unheeded by you Sir R* Amazement ! what would you have me do? Falkner. Before this company assist me with the power you possess (and that power is ample ) to compel your haughty nephew to repair the injury, whick in an hunibler character, he has done me Lord A. He compel me! ridiculous! Falkner. (To bir Rowland) Insensible to inju- ry and insult! can nothing move you ? Reveal your secret / A COMEDY. 87 Lord A, I'll hear no more, summon the offi- cers I say I am resolved ! Sir R. I too, am at last resolved ! at length the arm is raised that, in descending, must crush you. Lord A. I despise your united threats am I to be the sport of insolence and fraud ? Whqt,am I, Sir, that thus you dare insult me Who am I? Sir R. No longer the man you seem to be ! hear me ! before grief and shame shall burst my heart, hear me proclaim my guilt ! When the late Lord Austencourt dying bequeathed his in- fant son to my charge, my own child was of the same age ! prompted by the daemons of ambition and blinded to guilt by affection for my own off- spring 1 CHANGED THE CHILDREN! Charles. Merciful heaven ! Sir R. (to Lord A.) Hence it follows that you unnatural monster, are my son ! Sir W. Odds life ! Hey, then there is some- thing in the world to astonish me, besides the reformation of my Lady Worrett. Lord A. Shallow artifice ! think you I am weak enough to credit this preposterous fiction, or do you suppose the law will listen to it ? Falk. Aye, Sir ! the law will listen to it shall listen to it /, Sir, can prpve the fact beyond even the hesitation of incredulity ! Lord A. You ! Falk. 1. You have seen me hitherto a poor man, and oppressed me you see me now rich and powerful, and well prepared to punish yourvil- lany ; and thus, in every instance, may op- pression recoil on the oppressor. Lord A. Then I am indeed undone! O'Ded. Shall I call the officers now, my lord? Mr. Austencourt, I should say I ask pardon for S3 MAN AND WIFE; the blunder and now ladies and gentlemen be pleased to bear me speak ibis extraordinary dis- covery is just exactly what I did not expect. It is true, I bad a bit of a discovery of my own to make for I find tbat tbe babits of my profession tho'they haven't led me to commit arts of knave- ry have too often induced me to wink at them Therefore, as his quondam Lordship has now cer- tainly lost Miss Helen, I hope he'll have no ob- jection to do justice in another quarter. [_Exit. ir R. Oh, Charles ! my much injured ne- phew ! how shall I ever dare to look upon you more ? Charles. Nay, nay, Sir I am too brim full of joy at my opening prospects here (taking Helen's hand) to cherish any other feeling than forgive- ness and good-humour. Here is my hand, Sir, and with it I pledge myself to oblivion of all the past, except the acts of kindness I have received from you, Sir IV. That's a noble, generous young dog My Lady Worrett, I wonder whether he'll offer to marry Helen now ? Lady W. Of course, after what has passed, you'll think it decent to refuse for a short time : but you are tbe best judge, Sir Willoughby, and your will shall in future be mine Sir W. Shall itthat's kind then I will refuse him to please you for when you're so reasonable how can I do otherwise than oblige you (Lady W. aside*) Leave me alone to manage him still* En ter O ' D E D r M u s introducing FA N N Y . (Lord A. seeing Fanny.} Ah, traitor ! O'Did. Traitor back again into your teeth, my A COMEDY. 89 master ! and since you've neither pity for the poor innocent, nor compassion for the little blunt gen- tle/nan her father, 'tis time to spake out and to tell you that instead of a sham priest and a sham licence for your deceitful marriage as you bid me, I have sarved the cause of innocence and my own. soul, by procuring a real priest and a real licence, and by St. Patrick you are as much one as any two people in England, Ireland, or Scotland ! Fanny. Merciful powers ! there is still justice for the unfortunate ! Lord 3tf. (after a conflict of passion.) And is this really so ? O'Ded. You're Man and Wife sure enough > We've decent proof of this too, Sir ! Lord A. You no doubt expect this intelligence will exasperate me. Tis the reverse by Hea- ven it lifts a load of guilty wretchedness from my heart. Fanny. Oh, my lord ! my husband ! Falkner. Can this be genuine ? sudden refor- mation is ever doubtful Lord A. It is real ! my errors have been the fruits qf an unbridled education ambition daz- zled me, and wealth was my idol. I have acted like a villain, and as my conduct has deserved no for- giveness, so will my degradation be seen without compassion but this weight of guilt removed, I will seek happiness and virtue in the arms of iny much injured Fanny. Fanny. Silent joy is "the- most heartfelt I can- not speak my happiness ! My Father ! Falkner. This is beyond my hopes ; but adver- sity is a salutary monitor. Sir R. Still, Charles, to you I am indebted be* yond the power of restitution, N $0 MAN AND WIFE. Charles. My dear Father no my dear Uncle, I mean. Here is the reward I look for. Helen. Ah, Charles (my Lord, I mean, I beg pardon) to be sure Papa f aye and mamma-in- law too) will now no longer withhold their consent. Sir W. Who me? not for the world Hey? mercy on us I forgot your Ladyship (aside) do you wish me to decline the honor ? Lady W. (aside) Why no as matters have turned out. Charles. Then Fortune has indeed smiled on me to day ! Falk. The cloud of sorrow is passed, and may the sun of joy that now illumines my face, diffuse its cheering rays on all around us. O'Did. And Sir Wilioughby and her ladyship will smile most of us allfor every body knows they're the happiest man and wife among us. Helen. And while amongst ourselves we anxious trace The doubtful smile of joy in every face, There is a smile, which doubt and danger ends The smile of approbation from our friends* FINIS, Fritted by W, Flint, Old Bailer, fl AT is an Author like On that dread night When his first five-act Play is brought to light? Why, like a culprit '.trembling in his shoes- There at the bar he stands, and frets and stews- Anxious he lists to hear how vastly well His Counsels (Mrs. JORDAN'S) speeches te/// Tho' loudest plaudits he can scarcely hear, The slightest sibilation stuns his ear An Author's ear / 'Tis wondrous at a hiss How very delicate that organ is ! A hiss ! what does he then look like? Gadzooks You can't conceive how like a/ooZ he looks ! tritics his judges faith he don't like them He dreads their caustic cough and damning hem 1 The jury you and here in judgment sit, Nature (Upper Gallery) Sense fP/0 Learning (Boxes) HumoOT (Lower Gallery} Taste (Boxes)~m& Wit (Pit). Freedom, Mirth, Honour, Justice, Truth, are here, And Candour's honest foreman every where t He's quite content, good folks while such shall throng y% He doesn't mean to challenge one among ye ! Then what's an Author like ? there's no denial- He's like to have a fair an English trial 1 . Jpprov'd he may be like the soil that pays The fostering hand that tries the germ to raise : Condemned he's like he's like gad, who can say What the man's like, if you should damn his play ? !u short if you to night condemn his pen, He's like Oh no he's never lil^e to write again ! And nowas brevity's the soul of wit we know* You e.11 most likely would like me to go ! 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