A- o — S 1 — S ^ -n 5—1 6 P •* "iti' m BUHNAND Romance Under Difficulties 5^' I THE MINOR DRAMA ^t)t Slctiiifl Hliftfon. No. CXII. ROMANCE UNDER DIFFICULTIES; AN ORIGINAL FARCE, IN ONE ACT. BY F. C. BURNAND, ESQ., Author ofViUikins and his Dinah,'' " Si. George and the Dragon," " In for a Holiday," " Out of the World," ^'c, Jfc. TO WniCn AKE ADDED A description of the Costume — Cast of the Characters — En'rances and Eziia Relative Positions of the Performers on the Stage, and tlie whole of the Stage Business. AS PERFORMED AT THE PRINCIPAL LONDON AND AMERICAN** THEATRES. NEW YORK : SAMUEL FRENCH, PUBLISHER, 122 NASSAU STREET (Up Staiis;. ©a»t of tjjc ©Jjaractsrs. — [TIomance Under Difficpltibb.] Mr. Benjamin Newberry, Mr. Frederick Markham, - Mr. Timotuy Digoles, Miss Fanny Newberry, Jiarnum's 3fuseum, - Mr. J. Herbert Mr. Levick. - Mr. J. Langard. Miss Orton. Costume. — Modern. STAGE DIRECTIONS. L. means First Entrance Left. R. First Entrance Right. S. E. I Second Entrance, I.efl. S. E. R. Second Entrance, Right. U. E. 1. Upper Entrance, Left. U. E. R. Upper Entrance, Right. C. Centre, L. 0. Left Centre. R. C. Right of Centre. T. E. L. Third Entrance left. T. E. R. Third Entrance, Right. C. D. Centre Bocyr. D. R. Door Right. 1). L. Door Left. U. D. L. Upper Door, Left. U. D. R. Upper Door, Right. *,* The reader is supposed to be on the Stage, facing the AudionoSt ^X79 tlNIVKKSlI V OI. <;Af,IF(>RNS y^ £Q SANTA liAliHAHA ROMANCE UNDER DIFFICULTIES. As ferformed at Cambridge, 1856. SCENE. — A Room. Bed with half -drawn curtains. Cupboard door, R. c, a closet, with key in the lock, l. u. e., door of entrance, r. u. e. ,• window. L. c. Table in centre Properties — trombone, candle, matches, snuffers, string, letters, pens, ink, paper, table cloth, slippers, pair of Wellingtons, dressing gown, pickle jar, eatables, cigar case, stick for Newberry. Lights down. Three deep notes of a trombone heard out- side. Enter Diggles, well wrapped up, a trombone under his arm. Shuts door cautiously, sneezes, advances,and while talking lights candle. Diggles. Good gracious ! was there ever known such an unfortunate unlucky, individual as myself, {sneezes.) Born with a romantic turn of mind, and destined to live in this common-place world. I'm d d ! no, I won't swear ; but I'll relieve my feelings by becoming a lively nuisance to my wretched and unroinantic neighbors : {blows trombone.) my spirit rises with the strain. ( rs. — Voice below, "Now then, stop that row up there.") Ha, ha ! goo —I've made some one miserable ; per- haps some one trying to go to sleep ; there's a demoniac cheerfulness about that idea which suits my dismal feelings, {is about to blow again — stops.) Stay — perhaps my unknown charmer, is below , perhaps she is trying to go to sleep — shall I disturb her soothing slumber ? no. Away, thou tuneful elephant ! Day after day, night after night, for five years, have I vainly tried to become a hero of romance — but it won't do. My name's against me — decidedly unromantic ; is there any- thing inspiring in Diggles ? If I was told to pick oat a word by which to inflame all England with martial ardour, it would not be — Diggles. It's not in rank I can seek consolation ; who ever heard of the Duke of Diggles ? But still there is a chance left for me, and I may yet become a hero of romance. Below my rooms — on the first floor — lives a lady with a shadow. I don't mention that as a romantic circumstance, as people very often do have shadows — but such a shadow ! — the reality must be lovely. Well, to that shadow have I been frantically making love for the last three nights. I was determined to serenade that love- ly form — but a slight drawback to this proceeding presented itself in the curious but equally unpleasant fact that I am not acquainted with one single note of music ; indeed, I can couacientioualy assert that I 4 ROMANCE UNDER DIFFICULTIES. never saw any palpable difierence between "God save tlie Queen" and 'Top goes the Weasel." But would my love hesitate at such an ob- stacle ? no. So, after thinking over a variety of instruments, I at length selected this gentle warbler as most suitable to my dismal feel- ings, and decidedly the easiest to play — some people might consider it monotonous, but that's a matter of taste. Well, I begin my overtures on Tuesday night, and it's now Friday — during which time I have been iu imminent danger of being taken up by a policeman or catching cold, [smezes.] which last it strikes me I have caught. But what's a cold to the insult my romantic feelings received to-night ? For while I was giving a last plaintive and prolonged note, I saw the window open ; but instead of a sweet female voice saying, "Dearest, that strain again!" a singularly gruff voice saluted my ears, with "Be off, will you — you're a nuisance !" Now there's nothing romantic in that. But once again will I try to attract the attention of the beautiful shadow. Oh, if that ycning woman only knew the amount of breath I've wasted upon her, she'd pity me. Ijet me tune up. [blows.) I'll just snuff out the candle — {j7uts out the camlle.) — there. {s)iee:es.) What a confounded cold I've got. But what's a cold to me? [sneezes). I'm off. , Exit, r. u. e. Enter Markham by window L. c, which lie shuts after him. Mark. Safely landed at last. Nasty work this, climbing up a shaky ladder in the dark. I m sure I've damaged some portion of my attire in eSecting an entrance into the garden over that ingenious species of torture — namely, broken glass artistically arranged on the top of a wall — certainly with an eye to cflect. Here I am at last. I hope Fanny recollects the appointed time. I wish there was a light here. Uh, thank goodness ! a candle and a box of matches. As the poet beautifully observes, "Sure such a pair was never seen so justly formed to meet by nature." [lights the candle.) Hey 1 why what the deuce are these ? boots ! Well, this is an absurdity in ladies' costume that savours somewhat of the indelicate — it's quite going into extremes ; and — hollo! cigars — let -me look round. Oh, it's quite clear I must have mistaken the room. What a ridiculously unpleasant situation. I never can at- tempt that wall again, and I can't go without seeing Fanny. If any one comes and finds me here, I shall have the pleasant alternative of being taken up as a burglar, or confined as a lunatic. I had bettei take to the ladder — but my appointment, [a Female Voice sings below.) That's Fanny's voice. Shall I leave the house where Fanny dwells ? no. Ha ! stay — here arc writing materials. I'll send her a letter by an impromptu telegraph; [wrdc.s at table.) and for the rest I'll trust to luck and a tolerable share of impudence. " Dear Fanny, meet me in the room above as soon as possible. I have glorious news. Yours ever" — there, I shan't sign my name, [tici it to some string.) Now, how to weight it. Ah 1 the snulVcrs — capital, [tics the snuffers on.) Now to drop it down, [opens window) Tiire>' taps-— down it goes; it's touching ROMANCE UNDER DIFFICULTIES. O the window — one — two — three. Hurrah ! she's got it. (shtUs windoiij.) Now, if no one disturbs me I shall be in luck, {trombone Iieard outside R. — Voice, "Go away, or I'll give you in charge." (Diggles speaks mithout, R.) "Pooh ! mind your own business — go to bed !") Halle? what's all that ?" Confound it — some one coming up stairs ! — It's Fan- ny, {listens at door r. u. e. a sneeze heard and then a fall) No, it isn't — she doesn't come up stairs in that elephantine manner. Where can I retire to meditate on my course of action ? What's this ? a cupboard? The very thing — roomy and change of air. Now to lock myself Id and meditate. Exit into closet l. u. e. taking keii Enter Diggles, r. u. e., speaking off as he enters. Diggles. I did not kick your boots, sir ; tliey got in my way, they always do. That confounded fellow on the ground floor systematically places his boots outside, so that I invariably fall over them. Ho'lo what's this ? Why, who has been lighting a candle ? I could almost take my oath that I snuffed that candle out before I went down stairs ; but I don't see the snuffers. Did I snuff it or did I not ! I must say. Why somebody's has been at my writing case. Now I'm rather curi- ous to know if that's my landlady ; because, if it is, she's been trying on my boots. What an unfeminine proceeding ! While she was about it, I wonder she didn't smoke a cigar. Yes that's the way they all treat me — Iwho was born to be a hero of romance — bnt no matter I'll just put on my slippers and dressing gown and take a little supper. My second serenade this evening was no go. I can stand it no longer — human nature won't bear it. {sneezes) there is nothing so unromantic as a sneeze ; (sneezes.) but that's all I got by my ardent attachment to a lovely shadow, {clears table.) Where's my cold fowl ? here it is — {gets eatables If c, from cupboard, r. c.) bread — now where are my pickles? they're not here. Oh, perhaps Mrs. Jones has put them into her cup- board for change of air. She can't have eaten a whole jar of pickles, including onions. Ecod, I think she'd have had enough of them, {goes to L. u. E.) Why the cupboard's locked. Now where is the key? what on earth could I have done with that key ? Confound it ! the only thing to have made me bappy was — pickles. It's done on purpose. Well, I must take my supper without my pickles. {sits K. H. of table and begins to eat) Mark, {looking out of closet, l. u. e.j I've settled on a plan of action — now put it into execution, {cojnes a little way out, stumbles and tlien retires quickly.) Diggles. Eh — ^what's that? There's that confounded cat here again, I do believe. Puss, puss, puss, — tit, tit, tit ! I don't see it. If I catch that noisy specimen of the feline race, I'll do for it frightfully. {goes on eating. Markham com£S down and stands l. h. of table Diggles looking up, sees him.) IVIark. What do you mean by it, sir ? Diggles. Well this is cool — this facetious individual intrudes him- self upon me — ^uninvited, not to say mysteriously, and then asks what 6 ROMANCE UNDER DIFFICULTIES. I mean by it. Sir, I think, taking everything into consideration, that I am the person who should ask the question ! What do you mean by it? Mark. No trifling ! listen — ^you see before you a wretched indi- vidual. DiGGLEs. I do ! Mark. Have pity on me ; put yourself ifi my casfe. DiGGLES Thankee, I'd rather not ; but to oblige you 111 pity you, and now, perhaps you'll condescend to explain the reason of your ap- pearance here at this peculiarly unfashionable hour ? Mark. Hush ! they're here ! DiGGLEs. Are they ? [aside.) I see it all, he's an escaped lunatic and his keepers are after him. I'll question him [aloud.) If you'd enlighten me as to who are here, I shall be better able to enter into the fun of ie thing. Mark. Fun ! cold-blooded creature. DiGGLEs. I say, Iceep quiet 1 !Mark. Do you call this fun ? DiGGLES . No, ecod ! far from it ; but if — Mark. Hush ; or I am lost I DIggles. What's that to me ? Made. If I am discovered, and you with me, it might go hard ■with you — DiGGLSs. Might it ! then why the deuce don't you go away? [aside) This might be some romantic and horrible adventure and I the hero — It mu3t be. Mark. Listen to my melancholy story — DiGGLES. Melancholy ! with the greatest pleasure. Mark. A romance of real life — DiGGLEs. Romance ! take some supper — ^pickles. Mark. Pooh t harkye, sir ; did you ever love ? DiGGLES. Did I ! — rather. Mark. Ah, but did you ever love a young and gnshing girl, whose aaba.ster brow reared its lofty crest, whose — DiGGLKs. No ! I can't say I ever did. — I am in love with a shadow —I shouldn't perhaps describe it as a gushing shadow, but beautifully shady. Mark. Did you ever fip^ht for her ? DiGGi.Es- No, I can't fitrht. Mark. Did you ever kill anybody? , DiGGLES. No. Mark. I have ! DiGGLES. Oh, indeed! Mark. In a duel. DiGGLES. You don't say sol ^Iark. This very evening. DiGGUEs. Ha, ha! what an agreeable personage- r-but yon haven't ROMANCE UNDER CIFFICULTiES. 7 tasfcn the trouble of coming up here merely to tell me that ! [aside) Must be a lunatic. I'll look after the knives. Mark. No — listen to my story — I am the Count de Potso ! DiGGLEs. The de Poteo ! — take a chair, (offers one.) Mark, [sitting) Well, one evening in the month of June, I happened to— (aside.) I don't know what to say. (aloud.) Well, one evening in the month of June — DiGGLEs. Yes we had that before. Mark. Well, I was going to say that — by the way do you know the Countess Hissemorf brushquick ? DiGGLES. No — no. Mark. Ah, then you wouldn't understand the remainder of the story. (aside) Rather lucky — as I didn't know it myself, but it will be near the appointed time for Fanny, I must get him out of the room — of his own room, ha, ha ! (aloud) My dear sir, have you in your composition got one particle of feeling for a romantic situation ? DiGGLEs. One romantic particle? I'm made up of romantic particles — including my toes . Mark . Then you are the man for me — will you keep watch for me — the myrmidons of the law are on my track . I will secrete myself here — directly all is safe, I will escape — owing my life, eternal gratitude to you, my benefactor, my preserver ! UiGGLES. Don't mention it, your highness — I mean my lord ; but my dear Potso — I mean Count de Potso — tell me, is there a lady in the case? Mark. There is ! DiGGLES. And a shadow — oh, say she's got a shadow — Mark. Well, there is a shadow, (aside.) The man's a lunatic, ha, ha 1 (aloud.) But now be off, and if you see anyone coming sing out. (goes up and listens at door, r. u. e.) DiGGLES. I go — I fly — at last I begin to be a hero. I am going to keep watch for a count who's fought a duel and got a lady in the case — yes, I'm going to keep watch for the magnanimous Potso, and if I tee anyone, sing out . (taking his Iiat.) Mark . She's coming — I hear her . Hallo ! where are you off to ? DiGGLES. I'm going to sing out — Mark. Yes; but not that way — ^here — (pointing to tvindoUJ .) DiGGLES . Out of the window ! Pooh ! Mark . Think of the romance — D iGGLES . Think of the danger — Mark . There's the ladder — you can stand on that . DiGGLES. Can 1 1 well, don't be in a hurry. I want to put on my boots, and then — Mark. Never mind your boots — here, (opens window.) Now, come —here's the ladder . DiGQLES . I don't half like it — ^how infernally cold it is ! Count de Potso, much as I esteem you personally, allow me to say that — Mark. Hush ! out with you. One leg over — (hoists one leg over.) that's it; (Diggles sneezes . ) Now the other — there you are. 8 ROMANCE ITNDES, DIFFICULTIES. DiOGi.Es . Yes, here I am — but allow me to observe, Count de Fotso, that nothina: but — (Makkuam shuts the window and bolts it. Diggles appears as- ;/ still expostulating ami then slowly descends. Markham places candle at extreme R. h. on table — tlien opens door R. u e.) Enter Miss Newbdry, r . u . e . Mark . My dear Fanny ! Miss N . 5ly dear Frederick — how on earth did you get np here 7 If papa knew — Mark. That's exactly the reason why I am here, so that he may not know. To tell the truth, a little simpleton, a friend of mine, lent mc? these rooms because they are above yours . Miss N. Oh, whatfiin ! AVhy, I do declare there's a trombone. Do you play the trombone, Frederick ? Mark . No, why ? Mi.ss N. Why, some one has been making the most horrid noises on that instrument, exactly underneath our window, for five nights running. I thought it might be you : Mark. No, Fanny — I am not addicted to making horrid noises ; but listen — I have some cpital news. You know your father objected to our marriage because I ^.ad nothing — Mlss N. And I less. % But what is this news ? Mark. Do you recollect my old aunt Maria? Miss X. Oh yes, perfectly ; when we were little children, we used to spend our usual holyday there, and make ourselves ill for a week with her strawlierrics and cream. Oh, I've a vivid recollection of her. Mark. Well, she's dead? Miss N. Is that the capital news ? Mark. You sliall hear. She took a great fancy to me in my pina- fore days. I was sharp and clever at some things. Miss N. Yos, eating strawberries in particular. Mark. AV^ell, whether it was for that particular talent or not, she has made me her sole heir . Miss N . Oh, my ! what a nice old thing ! How I should have loved her if she'd been alive. Mark. Don't say so — it's ungrateful . She's much better dead . MiS3 N . But what a dear, thoughtful old soul she was to go off just at this time . Oh, Frederick, it isn't every one who has got such consi- derate relations . Fapa will agree at once now . Why haven't you told him ? Mark. Because I waited to give you the first intelligence. Wasn't it a good thought of mine sending you that letter this evening ? Miss N . That Icttcjr ! what letter ? Mark . Why didn't you take one in at your window this evening ? Miss N. No. My coming here was quite accidental. Oh, Fred, a sudden thought strikes me — papa has got the letter. (Diggles ap- pears at wimlow and sneezes.) Oh I what's that? Mark. That? (aude.) My sentry, with a cold . (a/owJ.) Oh, nothing — did you hear anything ? KOMANCE UNDER I f FICULTIES. 9 fDiGGLKS tries inefectually to open window, then taps at It. Miss N . Oh, dear — there it is again 1 I'm so frightened ! Oh, Fred, the room's haunted . (Diggles sneezes and coughs . Mark, {aside.) He's getting restive, (aloud.) Fear nothing. And if your father does not come up here — (Mr. Newbury in a gruff voice calls " Fanny 1 Fanny !" Miss N. My father"! [peeps out of r. u. e.) He's on the landing down stairs . Oh, what shall I do ? Mark. I've got it — ruu in here. I'll let you out when the danger's over. {opens door r. c. — Fannt runs in — ^Markham shvis it. DiGGLES. Let me in — I'm infernally cold ! Mark. Oh, my coast-guard, {puts out candle, unlocks window.) Come in ! Now to see the fun, and await my best opportunity, jumps on bed and draws curtains.) Entei- DiQGLES, through window. DiGGLEs. It's all very fine talking about romance — but there's noth- ing romantic in this infernal cold ! {sneezes.) Why, there's no light in the room. Count de Potso, may I inquire why you put out the candle ? Oh, here are the lucifers. (Fanny puts her head out of r. o. — Markhaji looks out f)om tfie r. h. end of 'bed; he kisses her — and both withdraw heads suddenly.) What the dence was that ? I could almost swear I heard a pair of lips smacking . I say, count — {liglUs candle . ) did you make that noise ? I repeat, count — why he's gone ! — perhaps he's in re- tirement amongst the pickles, {opens closet l. u. e.) No. What an extraordinary circumstance ? Are the spoons all right ? Yes . Well, as my eccentric friend has vanished, I'll sit down and enjoy a bit of sup- per — this time I'll rejoice in pickles. {goes to cupboard, r . Enter Mr. Newbury, r. u. e., who confronts Diggles as he comes down with very large pickle jar, which he puts on table, and both come for- ward. New . What do you mean by it, sir ? Diggles. That's the second time this evening I've been asked that question in the same extraordinary manner : I've got a good mind to throw a pickle at him . Allow me to observe, old gentlmeman — New. Pooh! don't tell me, sir. I suppose you'll deny you did it next. Diggles. If you'd only enlighten me as to what you're talking about, it's very possible I might . New . Look here, sir . Do you ever write letters, eh ? Diggles. Well, I have done such a thing. New. To ladies, eh? . Diggles. Well, what is the old party talking of? New. And send them by the snuffers, eh ? Diggles. Snuffers? No — postman I {aside.) He's a hoary-headed lunatic — worse than Potso. 10 ROMANCE UNDER DIFFICULTIES. New. But snuflfers and a piece of string can take a letter. DiGGLEs . Can they ? {aside . ) This ancient creature's drunk . New. Yes. Who taps at the windows at nine oclock at uight ? DiGGLEs. Now, how the deuce should I know ? New. Pooh ! no prevarication. You, by your base arts, have tried to inveigle my daughter. DioGLEs. Base arts ! daughter ! my venerable friend, don't be absurd you are old enough to know better. New. Absurd ! ha ! ha ! WTiose letter's this {shewing Markham's.) DiGGLEs. Can't tell — don't know the hand-writing. New. You, of course, didn't write it? {sarcastically.) DiGGLEs. Of course I didn't. New. {aside.) I'm boiling over I {aloud.) Are tnese your snuffers? DiGGLEs. Now he's begun about the snuffers again. Hallo I what do I behold ? My snufffers — my long-lost snuffers 1 Give me n^ snuf- fers. New. Then give me my daughter. DiGGLES. Bother your daughter — I haven't got your daughter, "Whafs your snuffers to my daughter — I mean, what's your daughter to my snuffers ? Aged individual ! restore my snuffers, or I shall be obliged to inflict summary chastisement upon you. New. There, take your snuffers : now my daughter ! DiGGi.Es. I haven't got your daughter : what an old simpleton it is, Sir, much as my respect is for the hoary head, yet that hoary head will I crown with a garland of pickles, {threatening with jar.) if you don't instantly retire. New. I will, {aside.) I'll see if the jade's down stairs, but I won't lose sight of this gentleman. DiGGLEs. Now then, there's the door. Exit Newbury, r. u. k. WTiat a delightful evening this has been ! First, there was that face- tious Potso — then that stupid old blockhead, coming to pester me about his daughter; what should I know about his daughter? Stay perhaps he is the father of the shadow ! Why didn't I ask him ? AVhat a ro- mantic incident ! Here am I, accused of inveigling lovely snuffers — I mean daughters : I wish it would really happen — I feel ready for anything, especially supper. (Fanw runs out of cupboard, and lays hold of DiOGi.Es' arm.] Hallo ! here's another ! Miss N. {in a thrilling tone.) Hush! you'll forgive me? DiGOLFS. Certainly. {n.vde.) What's she talking about ? Miss N. I'm so frightened — I feel so faint ! DioGLES. Faint ! let me offer you some refreshment — take a pickle. Miss N. I'm better now — but it couldn't be helped. DiGOLEs. Oh, indeed ! Well, that's a relief to one's mind at any rate. Miss N. He'd have been in euch a n^e if he'd have found me here. Dioat.Rs. Yoa don't say so. {aude.) »Sne's equal to Potso 1 Miss N. But you won't betray mc ? ROMANCE UNDER DIFFICULTIES. 11 DiGGLEs. Who — I ? never ! {aside.) The smell of the pickles haa got into her head. Miss N. You kept my secret capitally just now. DiGGLEs. Just now ! {aside.) Clear case of pickles ! Miss N. Yes, when my father was in the room. | DiGGLES. Your father ? Oh, the hoary-headed lunatic ! Miss N. Yes. You didn't tell him I was here ? DiGGLES. Of course not. {aside.) I didn't know it» Miss N. Now will you do me a favor — a very great favor ? DiGGLES. Will I? {aside.) Quite romantic! {aloud.) Of course I will. Stay — let me look at you — I cannot be deceived — it is — pardon the apparent insanity of the question — but have you got such a thing as a shadow ? Miss N. A what ? {aside.) The little man's an idiot ! DiGGLES. A shadow. Did a lovely reflection of yourself appear on the blind of the first floor window about nine this evening ? Miss N. I think I was standing there. DiGGLES. Ah, then at least I meet you face to face, (aside.) I'm a hero. Till now I have only had the pleasure of introducmg myself to your notice through that romantic instrument — the trombone. Miss N. Oh, then it was you who made those dreadful noises under our window ? DiGGLES. I am that wretched individual. If you only knew the cold I have caught in your service, and the amount of breath that I've blown out of my body. Listen — while on my knees (regardless of my trowsers) I frantically avow my consuming passion. Markham. {wIw has been watching this scene jrom bed.) Hallo — this won't do ! {jumps off, takes a fork and hides underneath the table.) Miss N. Oh, sir — get up, {aside.) Silly little man I I'll make him do what I want easily. DiGGLES. Loveliest creature ! (Makkham pricks him.) Confound it —what's that ? I could almost swear I felt sometliing snarp. Miss N. Where ? DiGGLES. In my leg — it's the cramp. But what is the pain in my leg to the pain I feel in my heart ? Respond to my love or here will I remain immoveable, {fork again.) Oh, hang it! Miss N. What's the matter ? DiGGLES. That's what I want to know. You wish me to do a fa- vour — I'm delighted. What can I do ? play the trombone, or kill any one. Let my reward be to press this hand. {he bends his head over her hand. Markham looks out. but withdrawn his head suddenly on seeing — Newbury enter, r. u. e. — Fanny screams. Here's old snuSFers again. {Newbury confronts him.) How d'ye do? New. (r.) So I've caught you at last ? DiGGLES. (c.) I'm not aware that you ever tried before. 12 ROMANCE UNDER DIFFICULTIES. Xew. Ilii, ha ! then you don't write letters ? oh, no — and my daugb ter is not up here, I suppose ? What d'ye mean by it, wretched littk miscreant ? DiGGLEs. I say, venerable, draw it mild — I'm armed, {flourishing trombone.) Keep off! New. Oh, ho ! so you are the person who has got the trombone ? DiGGLEs. At present I certainly am — and, what's more, 1 don't mean to let go of it. [brandishing it.) Miss N. (l. — aside to Diggles.) You won't betray me ? DiGGLEs. [aside to fier.) Never. New. Now, miss, perhaps you'll oblige me by explaining this extra- ordinarv circumstance — did he write this letter ? Miss'N. WeU— I— that is— New. I see it all. DiGGLEs. [aside.) Ecod. ! it's more tha i I do. [aloud.) Allow me to observe — New. Silence, sir ! You own to this letter? DiGGLEs. Pooh ! no such thing. New. But you wrote it, and so — Diggles. Infatuated old gentleman ! let me repeat, once for all, 1 did not : but if you think to bully me, sir — I'd have you to know — [sneezes.) — I repeat, sir — [sne zes.) — exactly so! Miss N. Oh, Augustus, tell my father the whole truth and he won't be angry. Diggles. Eh ? My name isn't — Miss N. [aside.) Hush ! [aloud.) If you did ask me to come up and hear you play the trombone, I'm sure there's no harm in that New. Play the trombone ? I'm astounded ! Diggles. [aside.) Ecod ! so am I. [aloud.) Yes, as this young lady justly observes, there's no harm in that, [aside.) She's got a wonderful invention. New. Then what did he mean in liis letter by " Glorious news for you," eh ? Diggles. That's a settler ! Miss N. Why — he — he meant that he'd learnt — a new tune did'nt you ? [aside to Diggles.) Say yes. Diggles. Oh, yes — ha, ha ! I've learnt a new tune, [aside.) I wonder which was the old one. New. I don't believe a word of it. As for you, sir, you are a mis- erable impostor. Diggles. Get out — I'm armed, [flourishing trombone.) New. And you love my daughter, eh ? (Fanny makes sigTis.) Diggles. Yes — that is — no. (Markiiam pricks him with fork) Oh! New. You think she's got money, eh ? but you're mistaken — ha 1 Why, sooner than she sliouid marry a wretched little trombone player, I'd give her to my rascally nephew, Markham, on the spotl-without a farthing — if I only knew where to find him. * (Markuhm starts up arul overturns table — Fanny screams. ROMANCE UNDER DIFFICULTIES 13 Mark. Here he is, sir. New. Fred Markham ! DiGGLEs. Count de Potso — under the table 1 New. Frederick Markham — how did you get here r DiGGLES. Frederick Markham ! You mistake, old gentleman thia is iay esteemed friend. Count de Potso. Potso, you've spilt the pifikles. New. Potso — pickles 1 DiGGLES. Potso's pickles ! No, they're mine. New. But explain all this. Miss. Yes, Frederick, tell my father all, he won't be angry. DiGGLES. {aside to Markham.) Don't you believe her, Potso ; he'll get fearfully incenssed. Mark. I wrote that letter. DiGGLES. You ! Potso ! under the table ! Mark. No, on the table New. And sent it by the string and snuffers ? DiGGLES. [aside.) The old gentleman's mad about string and snuf- fers? Mark. I confess I did, sir ; some one took it in. New. I did ; I thought it came from this — person. Miss N. Oh no, it didn't, did it ? [aside to Diggles.) Say no. DiGGLES. It's no good saying no, he won't believe me — but to oblig* you, I will, [shouting to Newberry.) No ! Mark. Quite true. I exonerate this gentleman from all blame. DiGGLES. Thankee, Potso ! that's worthy of you. And now, having settled this little business, perhap's you'd all oblige me by disappearing from this gay and festive scene. Miss N. Stay, Frederick ! now you have an opportunity, tell my father the good news. DiGGLES. [gesticalating.) Did you hear my suggestion ? Mark. Mr. Newbury, I can now put in a fair claim for your daught- er's hand. DiGGLES. There goes my romance ! Mark. My Aunt Maria has died and left me her heir. DiGGLES. Jolly old woman 1 New. Her heir ! come to my arms. I'm not influenced by money— but here, Fanny's yours ! DiGGLES. Disinterested generosity! Potso, I congratulate you— * Countess of Potso, same to you. New. Now let me apologize for the inconvenience I've caused yo« Miss. N. Oh, yes ! I'm so very sorry — we won't do it again. DiGGLES. Thank you. As for that respected antediluvian, I forgive him. You were under a mistake, Mr. by the way, whafa yout name? New. Newbury, sir — Benjamin Newbury. DiGGLES. Newbury — indeed ? how things do come about — what t strange coincidence ! 14 ROMANCE UNDER. DIFFICULTIES. New. TVTiat is ! what do you mean ? DiGOLEs. Merely, that I never had the pleasure of seeing you before. James Diggles — allow me to introduce myself, Benjamin — Timothy — Benjamin — Pots.>- • Diggles. Mark. Mr. Diggles 1 have deceived you. Diggles. Oh, Potso ! Mark. My name is not Potso, but Frederick Markham — very much at your seirvice. Diggles. Fred Markham ! Let me look at you — what a strong likeness ! Miss N. To whom ? Diggles. Why, to Brown ! D'ye know Brown ? How Brown would enjoy this scene — truly romantic ! True lovers here — pacified antedilu- vian parent there — myself in the middle : it's really affecting ! Bless you, my children ! Old man, may your years close in peace I I shall bid farewell to this busy scene, and go — All. AVhere ? Diggles. To bed ! to sleep that sleep which innocence only knows. New. Pooh ! No bed tonight 1 come and joinour party at supper. Mark. Yes, come, do! Miss N. Oh, do come ! Diggles. I will : and, to enliven the fleeing hours, I will bring my troaibone. New. Yes — but don't play it. Diggles. I didn't intend to — I couldn't if I did. But now we'll go to supper — there well enjoy a laugh over the events of the evening ; and if our kind friends will only add their applause, our happiness will be complete, and I shall have no cause to repent your having seen my "Romance" although " in Difficulties." B. Newbcrt. Diggles. Miss N Masshax. l VHE KNO. SP EEDY BINDER ^^Z Syracuse, N. Y. Stockton, Colif. UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY A A 001 424 576 THE LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA Santa Barbara STACK COLLECTION THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE STAMPED BELOW. 10m.-5,'65 (F4458s4) 1V6D !