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 COVENT GAIWEX
 
 THE 
 
 NEW JOE MILLER 
 
 A SELECTION OP 
 
 MODEEN JESTS, WITTICISMS, 
 DROLL TALES, & ECCENTRIC EFFUSIONS. 
 
 COLLECTED AND AKRANGBD BY 
 
 THE \LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 H. G. BOHN, YORK STREET, COVENT GARDEN. 
 
 1852. 
 
 703 S*^
 
 URL 
 
 THE 
 
 iNp:W JOE MILLER. 
 
 Taking fast hold. 
 A dispute happening between two officers on 
 ooard a vessel whose crew were a mixture of Irish and 
 English, in the course of the contest one of them 
 contended that the English could not answer a com- 
 mon question with half that propriety natural to the 
 Irish. A bet being proposed, it was agreed to try 
 the question immediately. An Englishman was 
 asked what he would take to go up aloft blindfold in 
 a hard gale? "I would take a month's pay," said 
 the fellow. " And what would you take, Pat ?" said 
 one of the officers to an Irishman. "By Jasus!" 
 said he, " I would take nothing but/as^ h.ld .'" 
 
 Candcur. 
 One of the candidates for the Pottery borough, on 
 calling at the house of one of the electors, who hap- 
 pened" to be from home, was accosted by the worthy 
 
 dame with " Hew do you do, Mr ■ ? I am very 
 
 glad to see you; I have known you a gretit mi^ny 
 years." "Yes," replied the candidate; "1 hope 
 
 you are well — I hope Mr. is well I have called 
 
 t) solicit his vote." " I am so sorry he is from homo. 
 
 He has promised the other three candidates, snd i 
 rm sure he would promise vou, he has known veu so 
 
 I'lig.'
 
 10 WHOM WILL YE HAVE ME BELIEVE. 
 
 Novel Advertisement. 
 The lollowing advertisement was some years ago 
 posted up at North Shields : — " Whereas, several 
 idle and disorderly persons have lately made a prac- 
 tice of riding on an ass, belonging to Mr. , the 
 
 head of the Ropery Stairs ; now, lest any accident 
 should happen, he takes this method of informing 
 the public, that he has determined to shoot the said 
 ass, and cautions any person who maj be riding on 
 it at the same time to take care of himself, leat by 
 some unfortunate mistake, he should shoot the wrong 
 one. ' 
 
 Wliom will ye have me believe ? 
 In Chancery, when the counsel of the parties set 
 forth the boundaries of land in question by the plan, 
 and the counsel on one part said, " We lie on this 
 side, my lord," and the counsel on the other part 
 said, " We lie on this side" — the Lord Chancellor 
 observed, " If you lie on both sides, which would 
 you have me believe ? 
 
 A Cautious Creditor. 
 A dashing gentleman, who was not reckoned 
 among the number of the best paymasters, visiting 
 his hatter, fixed upon one of the hats in the shop, 
 which he wished to have sent home upon credit. 
 This being refused, he exclaimed " What ! do you 
 refuse to give me credit for a hat ?" The hatter re- 
 plied, " 1 have another trifling objection besides that 
 of merely giving you credit. I should not like to be 
 under the necessity of bowing to ray ovm hat until 
 you may choose to pay for it. 
 
 TJie Two Lawyers. 
 A litt e lawyer appearing as evidence in one of the 
 courts, was asked by a gigantic counsellor what pro- 
 Uesion he whs ( f, and having replied that he was an
 
 THE OFFICER TRICKED. II 
 
 altorney — " You a lawyer !" said Brief, " why I could 
 put you in my pocket." «'Very likely you could," 
 rejoined the other, " and if you did, you would have 
 more law in your pocket than in your head." 
 
 The Officer tricked. 
 The high bailiflF of Birniineham, attended by some 
 ofTicer of the town, goes round on a market-day to 
 examine the weight of the butter, and they sieze all 
 which is short of sixteen ounces. A countryman, 
 who generally stood in a particular place, having on 
 a former market-day lost two pounds of butter, was 
 seen the next time they came round to laugh heartily 
 while the officers were taking a considerable quan- 
 tity from a woman who stood near him. One of the 
 officers, not pleased with the fellow's want of deco- 
 rum, particularly in the presence of men vested with 
 such awful authority, said — " What do you mean by 
 laughing, fellow ? 1 took two pounds from you last 
 week." " r 11 lay you a guinea of it." said the coun- 
 tryman. " Done !" replied the officer, and imme- 
 diately put a guinea into the hands of a respectable 
 tradesman, who was standing at his own door. The 
 countryman instantly covered it, and then with a 
 triumphant grin said, " Well done thickhead! if it 
 had been two poun. s, would you have taken it from 
 me — was it not for being shoit of weight that I lost 
 it?" The umpire without hesitation decided in the 
 countryman's favour, to the great mortification of the 
 humble administrators of justice. 
 
 A Clincher. 
 A traveller (for they have a privilege of lying) 
 who came from far distant countries, said he had 
 travelled over the four parts of the v orld, and anlong 
 the cviriosities he had remarked, there was one of 
 which no author had taken notice. This one was a 
 cabbage, so large and high that under each one of 
 A o
 
 12 HOAX EXTRAORDIKARY. 
 
 its leaves fifty armed horsemen would put themselves 
 into battle array, and perform the manual exercise, 
 without hindering one another. A droll fellow that 
 listened to him very seriously told the company that 
 he bad also travelled, and had been as far as Japan, 
 where he saw mote than three hundred men busy in 
 fabricating a copper. To what use could this enor- 
 mous vessel be applied? said the traveller. "No 
 doubt," replied the other, " it was to boil the cabbage 
 you have just spoken of." 
 
 Hoax Extraordinary. 
 
 An Englishman, named Moore, who settled as a 
 wholesale cheesemonger in Dublin, was fascinated by 
 the social habits of his Hibernian acquaintance, and 
 interchanged with them all the cheap hospitalities of 
 beef, turkies, and whiskey punch. Having removed 
 »o a new habitation, and given what is called a jovial 
 house-warming to a numerous company, the cheerful 
 jug went round with ceaseless motion, occasionally 
 replenished from a large china jar of ten gallons di- 
 mensions, which was Moore's favourite urn on simi- 
 lar occasions, and vipon which, when tipsey, he never 
 failed to launch out m high encomiums. 
 
 An arch wag in the room, yclept Charley Shiel, an 
 eminent auctioneer, perceiving that his host was far 
 gone when he mounted his favourite hobby-horse, 
 the china jar, joined in the praises of this extraordi- 
 nary vessel, adding, that there were but two of them 
 came from China in three ships ; that he had sold the 
 fellow of it to Lord Howth five years before for 
 twenty guineas, and that the noble lord would cheer- 
 fully give three hundred for this, if he knew where 
 to find it. ' Oh, come, Charley,' said Moore, who 
 smelled a hoax, • you are flinging the hatchet too far 
 — it only cost me a guinea and a half, and I would 
 sell it for ten." Shiel, mustering all his gravity, re- 
 joined — " My dear Moore, '-ou don't know the value
 
 NE«r MODE OF CHALLENGING A JURY. 13 
 
 of that jar: it is the true Wham-Fong-Tong mallea- 
 ble china, and I'd lay you any wager that the strong- 
 est porter you would find would not be able to break 
 it with a dozen strokes of your largest kitchen poker " 
 " Done !" said Moore, " that I will do it myself in half 
 a dozen strokes." " Done with you," said Shiel, 
 "for a gallon of porter, that you don't," 
 
 The wager thus settled. Moore called for the large 
 kitchen poker, and stripping off' his coat to remove 
 all impediments to his strength, dealt with all his 
 might an Herculean blow upon the jar, which, won- 
 derful to relate, was smashed in a thousand pieces. 
 
 Shiel without moving a muscle of his countenance 
 gravely acknowledged that !Moot^e had certainly won 
 the wager, and threw down his shilling to pay the 
 bet, observing that this was the first time in his life 
 that he ever saw such a jar broke in the same man- 
 ner. 
 
 Mnore, like an Arabian seer, stood for some time 
 astounded by the eff"ects of this rash stroke upon his 
 favourite talisman, but recovering a little, and per- 
 ceiving the hoax by wbicli he had been deluded, fury 
 kindled in his eye, and he was looking out anxiously 
 for some favourable spot on the head of the hoaxer 
 whereon to bestow the next stroke of the poker, iJut 
 the insidious Shiel, seeing tbe storm rising, thought 
 fit to decamp, laughing in his sleeve at the success of 
 his mischievous joke. 
 
 New mode of challenging a Jury. 
 An Irish gentleman, previous to a trial in which 
 he was the defendant, was politely informed by his 
 couns3l,that if there were anv gentlemen on the 
 jury to whom he had any personal objections, he 
 might legally challenge them. " By Jasus, and so I 
 will," replied he, " if they don't brinof me off"hand- 
 snmelv and clever, 1 wili challou'^e everv man of 
 them.''
 
 14 THE QUIBBLE. 
 
 A hard hit. 
 A gentleman of a miserly disposition, somewhat 
 wounded at a sarcasm played upon him by a wag of 
 his acquaintance, said he wished he was in parlia- 
 ment, if it were only to propose a heavy pole-tax on 
 Wits. " Aye," said the satirist, " I do not wonder 
 at that, because you know it would not affect your- 
 self." 
 
 The Quibble. 
 " See how this pot runs — look'ee, Dick— 
 A jade to serve us such a trick ; 
 Hang it, I'll blow her up sky high !" 
 *• Why, Tom, the pot don't run" — " You he ! 
 I say it does. Why look ee here — 
 The table's puddled all with beer " 
 Says Dick, *' Coufound your hasty tongue ! 
 I'll make you own you're in the wrong : 
 For can't you see, you squabbling sot, 
 Th* beer runs out, and not the pot ?" 
 
 Celery not Salary, 
 
 A seedsman, in the neighbourhood of Thames 
 Street, having been chosen Churchwarden of an ad- 
 joining parish, was called uponbv the Organist, who 
 had the misfortune to be blind, for the payment of 
 five pounds — being the amount of a quarter's salary 
 — and addressing himself to the shopman, said — " I 
 have come for a quarter's salary." " You cannot 
 have a quart of celery it is not our custom to serve it 
 by the quart,'' replied the shopman. The Organist 
 rejoined, " I am very sorry for that, for I have always 
 been accustomed to receive it in that way, and it will 
 put me to much inconvenience to alter the plan ; and 
 It cannot suff^lv be an object to your master." The 
 shopman not knowing how to proceed informed his 
 master, who accused him of having made some blun- 
 der, and came himsflf to eet the business to rights.
 
 A KNOTTY POINT SETTLED. 15 
 
 " Friend, what amount of celery did you say you 
 wanted ?" enquired the newly-elected churchwar- 
 den. " Five pounds, sir." " There, John, I tnld 
 you it would turn out one of your blunders — no- 
 thing can be more clear. Put up the gentleman five 
 pounds of celery." The shopman having finished 
 the job, was very politely proceeding to place the 
 parcel under the blind man's arm, who, wondering 
 at the circumstance, could not help crving, " What 
 are you at now, friend?" " "Why only giving you 
 the five pound of celery," said the shopman. " What 
 the devil!" replies the impatient Organist, " Is it all 
 halfpence ?" 
 
 A knotty point settled. 
 
 An honest hackney coachman, who had had a tole- 
 rably good day, after taking care of his horses, retired 
 to the necessary in the coach-yard, which adjoined 
 to that appropriated to the use of his master's family, 
 and where his master then happened to be. 
 
 Our Jehu, not suspecting he had any neighbours, 
 began to divide his earnings, in a manner said to be 
 not uncommon among the brothers of the whip, as 
 follows : — " A shilling for master, a shilling for my- 
 self — which he continued till he came to an odd 
 sixpence, which puzzled him a good deal, as he was 
 willing to make a fair division. The master over- 
 hearing his perplexity, called to him, " You may as 
 well let me have that sixpence, John ; because I keep 
 the horses, you know." 
 
 Good Luck. 
 The mother of a criminal named Watkin, whowaa 
 hanged for cow-stealing in Armagh, at the summer 
 assizes for 1733 , went on the day of the execution to 
 the house of Dr. Sheridan (the friend of Swift), to 
 beg towards a winding-sheet for her son's wake — ac- 
 cording to the Irish custom — when some persons
 
 p A WHIMSICAL EQUIVOQUl. 
 
 there contributed rather liberally on the occasion. 
 On presenting their gift to the old woman, she was 
 so elated at her success, that after giving her thanks 
 and blessing she said " My poor Johnny, (meaning 
 the executed felon) always had good luck." 
 
 A Wliimsical Equivoque. 
 
 In the neighbourhood of Little Chelsea lives an old 
 man of the uame of Windsor, whose profession is 
 that of pig-rearing, and selling them for tab'e or 
 breed to the inhabitants of the vicinity. Some time 
 ago a gentleman having occasion for one of those 
 young breeders, sent for a porter who lived at a 
 •bort distance, and after enquiring if he knew old 
 Windsor, and being positively answered in the affir- 
 mative, gave moivey, and commissioned him to go to 
 old Windsor and purchase apio-. 
 
 Now it so happeu'^d that the porter was unac- 
 quainted with any Old \\indsor except that in 
 Berkshire, about twenty-four miles from London. 
 Old \^ indsor he also knew was a famous place for 
 breeding pigs — nor did he entertain a doubt but that 
 in going there to make his purchase he acted agree- 
 ably to his employer's directions. 
 
 The porter aacordinffly lost no time, and arriving at 
 Old Windsor late in the evening, slept there, and 
 was early in his attendance at the market the next 
 morning. The market, however, happened to be a 
 remarkably bad one, and the article in question so 
 remarkably dear, that the messenger well knew he 
 could buy so much cheaper at home, where he ar- 
 rived towards the evening. 
 
 " What in the name of wonder," said the gentle- 
 man, " could have kept you so long ?" " Lord, 
 muster, I lost no time — but the worst is, I made no 
 market, knowing I could make a better bargain here 
 in Chelsea." '• Well, it can't be helped — here u 
 sixpence for your trouble,'' replied the gentleman.
 
 A WHiMSICAi. EQUIVOQUE. 17^ 
 
 " Sixpence I" exclaimed the surprised and disap- \ 
 pointed messenger — " ten sixpences is the least I 
 can take !" The gentleman in a great passion swore 
 he would give no more, and absolutely turned the 
 messenger out of the house- 
 
 In two days the gentleman received a summons 
 from the Court of Requests belonging to the Chelsea 
 district, which he smil^^d at, and determined to obey ; 
 nut in the interval called upon old Windsor, of whom 
 he made certain enquiries, and from whom he re- 
 ceived such answers as convinced him the porter 
 was a rngue. 
 
 The day of judgment arrived — the court sat — the 
 plaintiff told his case. That he had been employed 
 by the defendant to ?o to Old Windsor to purchase 
 a pig — that he actually did go, but that the pigs he 
 saw there were dearer than at home, &c. and that he 
 demanded five shillings for his trouble. 
 
 The gentleman was now called upon for his de- 
 fence. He declared the porter to be a liar — and that 
 so far from endeavouring to purchase a pig as he was 
 ordered, he had not been near old Windsor. After 
 this old Windsor himself was produced, who con- 
 firmed on oath every syllable which the defendant 
 had advanced. 
 
 At this moment the solemnity of the bench was 
 invaded by a convulsive half laugh and half cough 
 from the plaintiff, who confessed that the defend- 
 ant's witness had spoken the truth, for that he never 
 saw him in his life before ; and added, that the Old 
 Windsor he went to was in Berkshire! 
 
 The gravity of ju-dges, auditors, and parties wat 
 now disturbed, and a universal roar of laughter suc- 
 ceeded. The plaintiff's demand was thought reason- 
 able; and the defendant acknowledging that he did 
 not discriminate in his instructions, paid the fife 
 f-hillings with cheerfulness.
 
 18 THE WAGER LOST. 
 
 Justice. 
 In a court of justice where a great tioise was made, 
 the judge ordered silence, and urged in demand of 
 his request, that he had already judged of a number 
 of cases without hearing them. 
 
 Tlie Wager lost. 
 A baker was boasting that he seldom or ever 
 bought any meat for his family on a Sunday, as he 
 generally could take sufficient from his neighbours' 
 joints that came to be baked, without their missing 
 it — and declared that he could take off a rib of beef 
 without being discovered. Mr. Wick, who stood 
 by, betted him one shilling's worth r,f punch that he 
 could not. The wager being accepted, the tallow- 
 chandler agreed to send him a joint the next dav to 
 be baked, and accordingly sent two ribs of beef 
 weighing ten pounds. The baker without any he- 
 sitation took one rib and sent the other home. The 
 tallow-chandler as soon as he had dined ran to the 
 baker, saying — " You have lost— for I sent two ribs 
 of beef and you returned but one." The baker re- 
 plied — " Well, I confess I have lost;" and readily 
 paid the shilling — which he could well afford to do, 
 as he had five pounds of meat and a share of the 
 punch for his shilling. 
 
 Held up your noses. 
 A few months since a lady's coachman was wanted 
 in a great family in Ireland, and the mistress being 
 a Catholic she would employ no other than one of 
 her own persuasion. A man who was a Protestant 
 conceiving the situation to be highly eligible re- 
 solved to apply, knowing that his professional cna- 
 racter would bear the strictest scrutiny ; and, not to 
 be deficient on the score of religion, previous to his 
 application he purchased some beads, which the 
 lower sort in that country always carry about with
 
 HOLD UP YOUR NOSES. 19 
 
 them. These he pulled out of his pocket when the 
 question " Are you a Catholic ?" was put to him by 
 the ladv ; and, in fine, the devotion of the fellow — 
 thoush he was really ijnorant — appeared so obvious 
 to the mistress that he was instantly admitted into 
 her service. 
 
 This proved the easiest part of the adventure. The 
 lady had a chapel in the house, and here her menials 
 were obliged not only to attend, but to celebrate in 
 the responses, &c. The coachman beins wholly a 
 stranger to the mode of worship, made it the first 
 principle of his conformity to follow the motions 
 and repeat the expressions of the other domesties. 
 He escaped the first Sunday without observation — 
 though not wholly exempt from mistake — for having 
 but an indifferent ear, instead of repeating " Ave 
 Marv," he actually vociferated, " Follow your lea- 
 der I"' and where the ejaculation, " Ora pro nobis" 
 is made to the saints, his mistaken imitation was — 
 (those words bein? alwavs accompanied with an 
 elevation of the head) — " Hold up your no?es .'" A 
 few Sundays after his first attempt he grew less cau- 
 tious, when his ignorance appeared so very conspicu- 
 ous that the ladv, much enraged, sent a grievous 
 complaint to the gentleman at whose recommenda- 
 tion he had been engaged. The lady's letter was 
 received when a large company was present, but, 
 notwithstanding, the culprit was ordered to attend. 
 The sentleman questioned him as to the sincerity 
 of his religious pretensions, and a&ked him what 
 were the expressions he used in certain parts of the 
 service. " I says," said he — bowing and scratching 
 his head — " I says what other people says. I says, 
 Follow your leader, when I count my beads, and 
 afterwards, " Hold up your noses 1" 
 
 The coachman's simplicity afforded infinite mirth 
 to the company ; and as the gentleman was cou- 
 ▼incpd he had not been actuated by any bad motives 
 he soon provided him with another appoint:rebi.
 
 20 paddy's lying-in hospital. 
 
 Mij own head fits best. 
 
 Henry the Eighth being at odds with Francis the 
 First, King of France, resolved to send an Ambassa- 
 dor with a very haughty and threatening message ; 
 for that purpose he made choice of Bishon Bonner, in 
 whom he reposed gieat confidence. The Bishop 
 told him that his life would be in great danger if he 
 should offer such languajf^ to so high spirited a king 
 as Francis the First. -'"Be not afraid," said Henry, 
 " For if the King of France should put you to death, 
 I will take off many a head of those Frenchmen that 
 are here in my power." " I believe so," answered 
 the Bishop, " but of all those heads none would fit so 
 well as my own." 
 
 Paddi/s Lying-in Hospital. 
 An Irishman having come to London for employ- 
 ment, was taken ill, and called upon a gentleman re- 
 peatedly to obtain admission to one of the Hospitals 
 ■without being able to see him. At last the gentle- 
 man's servant having heard from Pat what his busi- 
 ness was with his master, addressed him as follows — 
 " It is of no use, my good friend, for you to rail here, 
 because I know that mv master has nothing to do 
 with any Hospital but the Lying-in Hospital." To 
 which Pat eagerly replied, "The Lying-in! By 
 the powers, my dear, that is the very hospital that I 
 want, for d'ye see, I've been lying out these three 
 nights!" 
 
 Alexander the Great and tlie. Pirate. 
 Alexander the Gri:>at asked a Pirate, who had been 
 taken prisoner, and was brought before him, why he 
 was so daring as to infest the seas, and commit de- 
 predations in such a shameful manner ? " For my 
 own private advantage, as ycu do;" replied the pi- 
 Mie — " but as I only employ a single galley, I am
 
 MARRIAGE BY MISTAKE. 21 
 
 called a piiate: whereas you, because you make 
 your excursions with your whole fleet, are called a 
 king !" Alexander was so pleased with the bold- 
 ness (and, probably, the justice) of the man's an- 
 swer, that he immediately ordered him to be set at 
 liberty. 
 
 Under imme cost. 
 
 A lady seeing Sat the window of a linen-draper; 
 who had not long been in business, that very com- 
 mon lure — " The Goods of th s Shop selling under 
 Prime Cost !" stepped into a friend's, who happened 
 to live within two or three doors, and inquired whe- 
 he thought his neighbour was really selling under 
 prime cost, and would let her have any good bar- 
 gains? "As to bargains," replied her friend, "I 
 am really at a lots to answer — but with respect to 
 selling under prime cost, that I can most positively 
 assure you must be impossible; for, to my certain 
 knowledge, he has never paid a single farthing for any 
 thing he has in his shop." 
 
 Marriage by Mistake. 
 It i» a wei known historical fact that Frederick 
 the Second, King of Prussia, took great pride in his 
 body guard — composed, as it was of the tallest men 
 that could be procured iu his kingdom. In one of 
 his rambles in the environs of Insterburg he met a 
 tall and comely peasant, who he considered would 
 make a suitable wife for one of his serjeants. He at 
 once wrote a letter to the officer in command desiring 
 him to see the bearer married to the sergeant instan- 
 ter. Having requested her to convey the letter to 
 Insterburg, giving her an ample reward, he departed. 
 Aft she was about to set forth she was detained by her 
 lover, she therrfore prevailed upon an old and decre- 
 pid neighbour to execute the commission for her. 
 The old woman hobbled off at once and delivered the
 
 22 EARLr GENIUS. 
 
 letter ; but the officer, ou reading the contents and 
 viewing the person who brought it, was surprised. 
 However, his majesty's orders were peremptory, 
 and must be obeyed, and the parties were married. 
 The affair remained a mystery till the return of the 
 king to the capital, when the first persons he desired 
 to see were his handsome new-married Couple. He 
 was astonished at the sight of the bride, and in a 
 violent rage demanded how she came to practice 
 such an abominable trick ? The poor old woman 
 told him the whole truth, and lifting up her eyes to 
 heaven, acknowledged the goodness of Providence 
 in bringing such a wonderful work of charity so un- 
 expectedly about. 
 
 Early Genius. 
 A child of five or six years old being introduced 
 to a foreign ambassador, as an extraordinary genius; 
 he confessed indeed that he was wonderful at pre- 
 sent, but added, he would lose all his fame as he 
 grew up, because such early talents never lasted: — 
 " Then, sir. I dare say you had a great g enius when 
 you were young," said the boy 
 
 Conjugal Fidelity. 
 
 A lady of respectability who resided in CorK, 
 losing her husband, was inconsolable for his-death. 
 She spent the day in incessant lamentations, and 
 her pillow at night was moistened with the tears of 
 her sorrow. Her husband — her dear husband — was 
 the continual theme of her discourse, and she seemed 
 to live for no other object than to recite his praises 
 and deplore his loss. 
 
 One morning a friend calling, found her in a 
 state of mental agitation bordering on distraction. 
 Her departed love^ she said, had appeared to her in 
 the night, and most peremptorily orderedher to enter 
 the vault where his remain* were deposited, and
 
 CONJUGAL FIDELITY. 2o 
 
 have the coffin opened. Her friend renionstrated 
 with her on the absurdity of the idea, and said that 
 the intensity of her sorrow had impaired her intel- 
 lect — that the phantom was the mere creature ol her 
 imagination — and begged of her to postpone to some 
 future period her intended visit to the corpse of her 
 husband. 
 
 The lady acquiesced for that time in his request ; 
 but the two succeeding mornings the angry spirit of 
 her spouse stood at her bedside and with loud me- 
 naces repeated his command. Her friend therefore 
 sent to the sexton, and matters being arranged, the 
 weeping widow and her friend attended in the dis- 
 mal vault — the coffin was opened with much solem- 
 nity, and the faithful matron stooped down and 
 kissed the clay-cold lips of her adored husband. 
 Having reluctantly parted from the beloved corpse, 
 she spent the remainder of the day insilent anguish. 
 On the succeeding morning, when her friend called, 
 the maid servant told him that the lady had not yet 
 arisen. " Tell her to get up ; as I am going to leaTe 
 town, and wish to give her a few words of consola- 
 tion and advice before my departure, "said he. " Ah, 
 sir I it would be a pity to disturb the new-married 
 couple so early in tne morning." " What new-mar- 
 ried couple?" " My mistress, sir, was married last 
 night." " Married ! Impossible ! What, the lady 
 who so adored her deceased husband, who was 
 nightly visited by his ghost, and wlio so fervently 
 kissed his corpse? Surely you jest." "Oh, sir! 
 my late master, poor man ! on his death-bed made 
 my mistress promise that she would never marry 
 any man after his decease till he and she should 
 meet again (which the good man no doubt thought 
 would never happen till they met in heaven); and 
 you know, sir, you kindly introduced them to each 
 other face to face yesterday. My mistress, sir, send* 
 you her compliments and thanks, together with ikiu 
 bride-cake, to distribute amoug your friends "
 
 24 TESTAMENTS, 
 
 Reason tvhy Lawyers do not study the Bible. 
 
 " Books, sir, when too closely applied to, mil pro- 
 duce an aching in the strongest heads.' 
 
 " I will not contradict what you assert, sir," re> 
 plied a citizen, " though I must acknowledge tha' 
 books have always a salutary effect on me by produ- 
 cing sleep." 
 
 " They have quite a contrary effect on my son : 
 but he indeed studies rather too much; however, it 
 is to be hoped that he will reap the fruit liereafter .'* 
 
 " There can be no doubt of it ; particularly if it be 
 the bible which your son studies." 
 
 "The bible! why you know he was bred to the 
 law!" 
 
 " That indeed makes a material difference ; for 1 
 never knew a lawyer who studied the Bible." 
 
 " To be sure you never did. Don't you know the 
 rea«?on why ?" 
 
 ' Because they are not paid for it." 
 
 Testaments, 
 A countryman going into the Probate Office where 
 the wills are kept in huge volumes on the shelves, 
 asked if the3' rrere all bibles? "No, sir; they arc 
 testaments*^^ replied one of the clerks. 
 
 Besets mind made easy. 
 Rose wedded Kalph against her will. 
 But Rose lov'd R obin of the mill ; 
 Ralph was rich — Robin poor, but stout— 
 And Robin came when Ralph was ou/ .• 
 Once Ralph camehorae when he was there- 
 Rose ran to meet him ; cries, " my dear, 
 If you love me, your love show now, 
 Get me that apple from yon bough ; 
 I long for it." He climbs the tree ; 
 She lets out Robin— off runs he, 
 Ralph brings the fruit — says she " that's ki'vd"- 
 I'm now quite easy in my mind "
 
 THE FARRIER AND WHITPER-IN. '2J 
 
 Tlie Farrier and Whlpi>er-'tn. 
 lorn White, a whipper-in at Bknrlsfort, Irelan;', 
 had his back cru--hed by leaping his horse into a 
 gravel-pit, to pull off the scut of a hare. The horse 
 broke his neck, the hare was killed, and the whip- 
 por-in to all appearance little better. However, (as 
 deaths generallv confer an advantage upon some 
 survivor) two of the corpses afforded good cheer next 
 day — the huntsmen ate the hare, the hounds ate the 
 horse, and the worms would certainly have made a 
 meal of Tom White, had not old Butler, the village 
 farrier taken his case in hand, after Doctor Ned Sta- 
 pleton of Maryborough, the genuine bone-setter of 
 that rountv, had given him upas broken-backed and 
 past all skill. 
 
 Soon after the farrier's arrival Tom's first state of 
 insensibility gave way, and incontrovertible proofs 
 of his existence followed in sundrv deep groans, and 
 now and then a roaring asseveration that his back 
 was broke. He entreated those about him to send 
 off for his clergy without delay, or the reverend father 
 would not find him in this world. However, Mr. 
 Butler — who had no great belief in any world either 
 above or below the Queen's County — declared that 
 " if the clergy came he'd leave Tom White to die; 
 as he well knew Tom was a thief, and if any clergy 
 botheration was made about his sowl, it would only 
 tend to iriitate and inflame his hurt." But he un- 
 dertook to give him abetter greasing i]ia.n all the 
 priests in the barony, if they should be seven years 
 anointing him with the best salvation oil ever in- 
 vented. 
 
 The farrier now commenced his cure, at the per- 
 formance of which every male in the house, high 
 and lov.-, was called to be present. The horse doc- 
 tor fiist stripped Tom to his shirt, and then placed 
 him flat on the great kitchen table with his face 
 downwards ; and having (after being impeded by 
 much roaring and kicking) tied a limb fast to each
 
 26 THE FARRIER AM) WHIPPER-IN. 
 
 leg of it— (so as to make a St. Andrew's cross of him) 
 — he drew a strong table cloth over the lower part of 
 the sufferer's body ; and tying the corners under- 
 neath the table, had the pleasure of seeing Tom 
 White as snug and as fast as he could wish, to under- 
 go any degree of torture without being able to shift 
 a quarter of an inch. 
 
 Mr. Butler then walked round the room in a sort 
 of triumph — every now and then giving the knots a 
 pull to tighten them, and saying — •'A)ighty well ! 
 mighty good ! Now stand fast, Tom !" 
 
 Tom's back being thus auly bared, the doctor ran 
 his Immense thumb from top to bottom along the 
 spine with no slight degree of pressure ; and when- 
 ever the whipper-in roared loudest, Mr. Butler 
 marked the spot he was touching with a lump of 
 chalk. Having in that way ascertained the tender 
 parts, he pressed them with all his force as if he were 
 Kneading dough — ^just, as he said, to settle tlie joints 
 quite even. 
 
 No bull in the midst of five or six bull dogs tear- 
 ing him piecemeal could, even in his greatest ago- 
 nies, amuse the baiters better, or divert them with 
 more tremendous roars, than did the whipper-in du- 
 ring the greatest part of this operation. 
 
 The operator, having concluded his reconnoitring, 
 proceeded to real action. He drew parellel lines 
 with chalk down Tom's back — one on each side the 
 back bone : at particular points he made a cross 
 stroke, and at the tender -parts a double one ; so that 
 Tom had a complete ladder delineated on his back, 
 as if the doctor kntended that something should 
 mount by it from nis waistband to his cravat. 
 
 The preliminaries being thus gone through, and 
 Mr. Butler being furnished with a couple of red hot 
 irons — such as maimed horses are fired with — he be- 
 gan, in a most deliberate and skilful manner, to fire 
 Tom according to the rules and practice of the ars 
 vtterinaria.
 
 THE FARRIER AND WHIPPER-IN. 27 
 
 I'he poor fellow's bellowing, while under the ac- 
 tual cautery, all the people said they %-erily believed 
 was the loudest ever heard in that country since the 
 massacre of Mullymart. This part of the operation, 
 indeed, was by no means superficially performed, as 
 Mr. Butler mended the lines and made them all of a 
 uniform depth and colour — much as the writing- 
 master mends the letters and strokes in a child's co- 
 fty-book — and as they were very straight and regu- 
 ar, and too well brcnled to suffer any effusion of red 
 blood, Tom's back did not look much the worse for 
 the tattooing. On three or four of the tender places 
 before mentioned Mr. Butler drew his transverse 
 cross bars, which quite took off the uniform appear- 
 ance, and gave a sort of garnished look to the whole 
 drawing, which seemed very much to gratify the ope- 
 rator, who again walked round and round the bodv 
 several times with a red hot iron in his hand survev- 
 ing, and here and there retouching the ragged and 
 uneven parts. This finishing rendered the whipper- 
 in rather hoarse, and his first roars werenow changed 
 to softer notes — somewhat as an opera singer occa- 
 sionally breaks into his falsetto. 
 
 " Howld your bother!" said Mr. Butler — to whom 
 Tom's incessant shrieking had become very disagree- 
 able. " Howld your music, I say; or I'll put a touch 
 on your nose as tight as yourself did on Brown Jack, 
 when I was firing the ring-bone out of him: you're 
 a greater beast yourself nor ever Brown Jack was." 
 
 Mr. Butler having partly silenced the v/hippor-in 
 through fear of the tovch, the second part of the pro- 
 cess was undertaken — namely, depositing; what is 
 termed by farriers the cold char.ge, on the back of 
 Tom White. However, on this occasion the regular 
 yractice was somewhat varied, and the coW charge was 
 nearly boiling hot when placed upon the law ladder 
 on the back of the whipper-in. 
 
 The charge, which was boiled in a large iron la;lle 
 consisted of the following ingredients :^-Burgundy
 
 28 ti:e farrier and whipper-in. 
 
 pitch, black pilc\i, diaculum, yellow wax, white wax 
 muslaid, black resin, white resin, sal ammoniac 
 bruised hemlock, camphor, Spanish flies, and oil of 
 origanum, boiled up with spirits of turpentine, onion 
 juice, and a glass of whiskey. It was kept simmer- 
 ing till it become of a proper consistence for appli- 
 cation, and was then laid on with a painter's bfttsh, 
 in the same way they caulk boats. 
 
 Four coats of this savoury substance did the farrier 
 successively apply, each one as the former began to 
 cool. But on the first application, even the dread of 
 the touch could not restrain Tom White's vocifera- 
 tion. After this had settled itself in the chinks, he 
 seemed to be quite stupid and tired of roaring, and 
 lay completely passive — or, rather, insensible — while 
 Mr. Butler_^njs/ier^ to his taste, dotting it over with 
 short lamb's wool as thick as it would st'ck, and 
 then another coat of the unction, with an addition of 
 wool, so that when completed Tom's back might very 
 well have been mistaken for a saddle of Southdown 
 before it was skinned. 
 
 A thin ash board was now neatly fitted to it down 
 Tom's spine by the carpenter, and made fast with a 
 few short nails driven into the charge. None of 
 them, however, touched the quick, as the charge was 
 above an inch and a half thick, and itwas only at the 
 blows of the hammer that the patient seemed to feel 
 extra sensibility. 
 
 Tom was now untied and helped to rise : his 
 woolly carcase was bandaged all round with long 
 strips of a blanket, which being done, the operatic i 
 was declared to be completed in less than three 
 quarters of an hour. Doctor Butler then directed 
 •' that the whippr^c-in should sit up stiff for seven 
 days and nights; after which he might lie down, if 
 he cov.kiy 
 
 This, indeed, was a very useless permission, as the 
 patient's tortures wore then only in their infancy. 
 So soon as the ch rge g?>t cold and stiff in the niches
 
 A FALLING OFF. J9 
 
 and fancy figurea upon his back, he nearly went marl ; 
 80 that for a few days they were obliged to strap him 
 with girths to the head of his bed to make him " stay 
 easy," and sometimes to gag him, that his roars 
 might not disturb the company in the best dining 
 parlour. 
 
 When the poor fellow's pains had altogether sub- 
 sided, and the swathing was off, he cut one of tho 
 most curious figures ever seen, and it was not uuti. 
 the end of four months that Mr. Butler began to pour 
 sweet oil down his neck, between his back and the 
 charge, which he continued to do daily for abou^ 
 another month, till the charge gradually detached 
 itself, and broken-backed Tom was declared cured: 
 in fact he never felt any inconvenience from his ac- 
 cident afterwards. 
 
 This morle of cauterising people was formerly 
 much practised by the farriers in Ireland, often with 
 success; and it was very rare that any fatal effects 
 resulted in consequence. 
 
 A falling off. 
 An officer at a field day happened to be thrown 
 from his horse; and as he lay sprawling on the 
 ground, said to a friend who ran to his assistance, 
 " I thought I had improved in my riding, but I find 1 
 have fallen off." 
 
 Narrow souJ^. 
 Dean Swift says, " it is with narrow-smiled peopnj 
 as it is with narrow-necked bottles — the les^ the/ 
 have in them the more noise they make in pounng it 
 out." 
 
 The lost found. 
 A carpenter on board a ship returning from the 
 "West Indies having lost his saw, suspec ed the cap- 
 tain's negro boy of having stolen it. Mungo denied 
 
 B '2
 
 30 CONJUGAL ARITHMETIC. 
 
 all knowledge of the affair, and in this dubious way 
 the matter remained, when the carpenter one day 
 exclaimed to a brother sailor, " This saw sticks in 
 ttiy gizzard." The boy instantly ran to his master, 
 and joyfully cried out, " Massa, me glad! me glad, 
 Massa ! Carpenman find him saw !" " Ah, ha ! and 
 where did he find it ?" " Yes, Massa ! indeed me 
 teU no lie : he say it stick in him gizzar !" 
 
 Conjugal Arithmetic. 
 Says Giles, " My wife and I are two; 
 « Yet, 'faith ! I know not why, sir !" 
 
 Quoth Jack, " You're ten, if I speak true- 
 She's one, and you're a cypher." 
 
 Plaintiff or Defendant. 
 On a trial at the Admiralty Sessions for shooting a 
 seaman, the counsel for the crown asked one of the 
 witnesses which he was for, plaintifi^or defendant. 
 " Plaintiff or defendant !" said the sailor, scratching 
 his head; •' why I don't know what you mean by 
 plaintiff or defendant. I come to speak for that 
 man there!" pointing at the prisoner. " You are a 
 pretty lellow for a witness," says the counsel, " not 
 to know what plaintiff or defendant means." Some 
 time after, being asked by the same counsel what 
 part of the ship he was in at the time, " Abaft the 
 binnacle, my lord," says the sailor. " Abaft the bin- 
 nacle !" replied the barrister ; " what part of the ship 
 is that?" " Ha, ha, ha !" chuckled the sailor ; " an't 
 you a pretty fellow for a counsellor," pointing 
 archly at him with his finger, " not to know what 
 abaft the binnacle is ?" 
 
 Before I went to school. 
 Some years since a gentleman travelling the road, 
 ost a portmanteau out of his chaise containing a sum 
 of money; he offered a reward to any person who 
 should find it, but without effect.
 
 A BAIT TO CATCH THE DEVIL. 31 
 
 It had been picked up by an old man emploj ed on 
 the highway, who, unacquainted with its use, car- 
 ried it home to his dame, and told her he had found 
 a roll of leather with a string. His wife, who knew 
 it was a portmanteau, did not inform him; but the 
 next day when he was gone to labour opened it, and 
 discovered the contents. On his coming home at 
 night, she said it was a great pity he had no learning ; 
 and proposed his going to an evening school. The 
 old man consented unwillingly ; but after a month's 
 trial, could make nothing of his book, and refused to 
 go any longer. 
 
 He went to work as usual ; and one day the gen- 
 tleman who lost the portmanteau being on the road, 
 observed him. and enquired if he knew, or had heard 
 ol one being found some months back ? 
 
 The old man did not understand what he meant, 
 until the gentleman shewed what he had with him. 
 " Why I found a roll of leather like that; and if you 
 will go with me, you may have it." The gentleman 
 gladly accompanied him, and on their arrival at the 
 cottage, told his dame to bring the roll of leather. 
 The wife fearing a discovery, cried, " What roll of 
 leather, you silly oaf?" " Why that I found before 
 I went to school." " Before you went to school ?" 
 says the gentleman. " Zounds, you old fool ! that 
 must be before I was born !" and left the house in a 
 passion. 
 
 A bait to catch the Devil. 
 An exciseman walking by a river observed a per- 
 son angling, " My friend," said he, " what are you 
 fishing for ?" " I fish for the devil." replied the 
 man, " but have not got the right bait to catch 
 him." " What bait should that be 1" says the other. 
 *• Why, master, I'm told the beet bait in the world is 
 an exciseman-" 
 
 Droll Anecdote of a British Tar. 
 A sailor belonging to a king's ship lying at Sheer-
 
 32 ANECDOTE OF A BRITISH TAR. 
 
 ness asked permission to go on shore. The com- 
 manding officer gave his consent, on his receiving 
 a promilefrom the sailor that he would return in the 
 evening. Accordingly he went onshore, impressed 
 with the certainty of being punished should he for- 
 feit his promise. However, he did not return till the 
 following morning. 
 
 The master-at-arms and boatswain's mate were 
 ordered to attend at the gangway. After listening 
 to the charge preferred against him, Jack begged to 
 be heard, and the commander humanely assented. 
 
 Jack then declared, " that he had firmly intended 
 to return at the time appointed, but as he was going 
 down to the boat, he unexpectedly met with a very 
 old and worthy friend, whom he had not seen for 
 some years. Overjoyed at the meeting, he instantly 
 forgot his promise and took his old friend to the 
 play, who being a humorous fellow, had amused the 
 audience much more than the actors themselves. 
 The consequence was, that on leaving the playhouse 
 it was too late to get on board, and he and his friend 
 retired to an alehouse. 
 
 For the truth of this story he referred his officer 
 to the master of the public-house. 
 
 There was something in the tale, and its manner 
 of being told, which excited curiosity. The punish- 
 ment was suspended, and a person sent on shore to 
 make enquiry. 
 
 On the return of the messenger he stated that the 
 master of the alehouse assured him that Jack had 
 actually met with an old acquaintance in the shape 
 of a jackass; and in the fulness of his joy had abso- 
 lutely taken his old friend to the play ; that he paid 
 for the ass's admission, and with some difficulty got 
 him seated beside him. The novelty of such a visi- 
 tor created much clamour, and Jack's friend did not 
 sit a calm spectator. He soon expressed his opinion 
 in the fullest tones of that language peculiar to the 
 long-eared tribe, repeating it as often as the clamours
 
 XOVEL CAUSE OF ANTIPATHY. 33 
 
 of the audience excited him. After the performance, 
 Jack and his friend repaired to the alehouse, atteiid- 
 ed by a large party from the theatre, who saw the aso, 
 after partaking of a pot of beer, led to the stable by 
 Jack; who, on returning to the tap-room, entertain- 
 ed them with a very long and laughable account of 
 his old acquaintance, which had formerly belonged 
 tn his mother. 
 
 The drollery of this story turned the scale in the 
 poor fellow's favour, and he was forgiven by his 
 commanding officer. 
 
 Novel cause of antipathy, 
 
 A physician, going down Regent-street with a 
 
 friend, said to him. " Let us avoid that pretty little 
 
 wnman you see on the left — she knows me again, 
 
 and casts upon me looks of indignation. I attended 
 
 her husband, and " " Ah, I understand — you 
 
 had themifortune to despatch him.^' " On the con- 
 trary," replied the doctor ; " I saved him ; and nei* 
 ther she nor her lover has ever forgiven me." 
 
 William Penn, Nathan, and the Bailiff. 
 As well as I can recollect. 
 
 It is a story of fam'd William Penn. 
 By baili£Fs oft beset, without eifect, 
 
 Like numbers of our lords and gentlemen. 
 
 William had got a private hole to sp}' 
 
 The folks who came with writs, or " How d'ye do?' 
 Possessing, too, a penetrating eye. 
 
 Friends from his foes the Quaker quickly knew. 
 
 A bailiff in disguise one day. 
 
 Though not disguis'd to our friend WiM, 
 Carrie to Will's shoulder compliments to pay, 
 
 Conceal'd, the Catchpole thought, with wondrous 
 skill 
 
 Boldlv ne knock'd at William's door, 
 Drest like a gentleman from top to toe—
 
 34 A DECIDED CONTRAST. 
 
 Expecting quick admittance to be sure, 
 
 But no ! 
 Will's servant, Nathan, with a strait-hair'd head, 
 
 Unto the window gravely stalk'd, not ran — 
 " Master at home ?" the bailiff sweetly said — 
 
 " Thou canst not speak to him," replied the man. 
 " What," quoth the bailiff, " won't he see me then ?" 
 
 " Nay," snuffled Nathan, " let it not thus strike 
 thee ; 
 Know, verily, that William Penn 
 
 Hath seen thee, but he doth not like thee /" 
 
 A most decided contrast. 
 A fellow who went about the country playing 
 sleight of hand tricks, was apprehended and carried 
 before the mayor of a town, who immediately ordered 
 him to be committed to prison. '♦ For what ?" said 
 the fellow. «' Why, sirrah, the people say you are 
 a conjuror !" " Will your worship give me leave to 
 tell you what the people say of you?" " Of me ! 
 what dare they say of me, fellow ?" " They say you 
 are no conjuror .'" 
 
 Encouragement offrarikness. 
 Some years ago, sayg Richardson, in his Anecdotes 
 of Painting, a gentleman came to me to invite me to 
 his house. " I have," says he, "a picture of Ru- 
 bens, and it is a rare good one. Little H the 
 
 other day came to see it, and says it is a eopi/. If 
 any one says so again, I'll break his head. Pray Mr. 
 Richardson, will you do me the favour to come, and 
 give me your real opinion of it V 
 
 An Old Sailor's Astonishing Adventures. 
 The following plain statement of facts were given 
 by old Cen Marline to some sprigs of fashion, who 
 listened with wonder and astonishment. 
 
 1
 
 OLD sailor's adventlrks. 35 
 
 " Aye, young gentlemen, you may well say sailors 
 see strange sights. They are a sort of hum-fib-ius 
 animals that often stand i:: the imminent deadly 
 breech, as Shakspur has it : for do you see the breech 
 of a gun is its stern, as a body may say , and I've of- 
 ten elevated and depressed my breech when the 
 shots were flying about so thick that you could not 
 stick a marline spike atwixt them. Well, I often 
 wonder I did not get knocked down in the many 
 blows-up I've been in — but I s'pose as how I was bum 
 proof. 
 
 " I remember when I was boatswain's mate of the 
 Firefly frigate. Captain Tommyhawk, we were crui- 
 sing ofi"the coast of Norway to look for the Flying 
 Dutchman, cause d'ye see, the Nabob of Arcot — him 
 as lives at Fondicherry in the north of Scotland — 
 had sent an express to the Lords of the Admiralty 
 in a fire balloon, to inform them he was cruising 
 about there to the great annoyance of our merry time 
 subjects; so we were commisaioned to send the 
 ghost aloft in a shower ofCongreve rockets. Well 
 d'ye see, we'd got as far northward as sixty-six, when 
 one afternoon about three o'clock, it being then 
 pitch dark, we cotch'd sight of him. Up comes Cap- 
 tain Tommyhawk — he was a rum subject, always full 
 of sjnrits — and so was the first lieutenant, for the 
 matter of that. Well, we made all sail in chase, and 
 the officers swore it was she, for whichever way we 
 put the ship's head still she was on the starboard 
 bow, and none but a fan-torn could do that. The 
 rockets were prepared and the matches lighted ; and 
 just as we were going to fire the officer of the watch 
 discovered we had been chasing the anchor-stock, 
 that stuck up above the cathead and loomed large in 
 the dark. But that warn't the best of it — it come on 
 to blow great guns. The wind was sou-sou-north, 
 and we laid a north-east-and-by-west course. The 
 night was black as the H-mperor of Morocco. How- 
 ever vre got her under close-reefed pudding-bags, 
 b3
 
 36 OLD seaman's adventure 
 
 balanced the cook's apron for a trysail, and stowed 
 ihe masts down the hold. Away she went — skjr 
 pole and bobbing pole, scupper-hole and hawse-hole 
 all under watpr. It took five men to hold the cap- 
 tain's hat on, and we were obliged to shove our 
 heads down the hatchways to get breath. The first 
 'ieutenant had all his hair blown off, and Iras worn a 
 wig ever since. The boatswain's call was jammed 
 so fast into his jaws that it took a dozen men to 
 bowse it out with a match tackle. The master was 
 bellowing through his speakine-trumpet, when a 
 squall took every tooth out of his head as clean as 
 a whistle. His gums were as bare as the hour he 
 was born. But that did not matter — he's livel on 
 suction, grog, and bacca ever since. Oh, what a 
 sight to see the whales and dolphins jumping over 
 us just like flying fish, and a shark swallowed the 
 jolly boat at one gulp ! We drove all night, and 
 about eleven o'clock the next forenoon, just as the 
 day began to break, we heard a most tremendous 
 roaring : it was like — but I can't tell you what it was 
 like. The charts were examined, and everybody 
 pulled long faces, for it was discovered to be the 
 Moll-strum, that swallows everything up. My eyes ! 
 there was a pretty perclickyment ! When it was 
 broad daylight we" were close to it, and nothing 
 could save us. You've seen soapsuds run round in 
 a ring down a gully hole ? Well what do you think 
 of a whirlwind — whirlpool, I mean — whose horror- 
 jice was as wide as it is from here to Jerusalem ? Ah, 
 you may stare ! but it was a complete earthquake, 
 tip comes the Ch;ir>lain, and he soon began his dire- 
 ocean, for a lump of sea lifted him above the heads of 
 the people, and overboard he went — but we saw him 
 afterwards on the back of a grampus, making the best 
 of his way to the north pole. Well, we were svxcked 
 in and run round and round, just as people do when 
 they run down from the top of the Monument. But 
 Ctill we kept on an even keel, though I'm certain ne
 
 OLD SEaMAN'k adventures. ?/ 
 
 weut at the rate of fifty miles a mnute, and floated 
 on the surface of the whirlpool. They said this was 
 occasioned by graveitation, I know we were all 
 grave enough upon the occasion , expecting to be bu- 
 ried al've. Well, we kept at this for some hours, 
 and then iVe captain swore we shouki come out at 
 the opposite side of the globe; and he supposed the 
 Frenchman who had found out that the variation of 
 the compass proceeded from an internal motion, had 
 gone that way before us. For my part, I could not 
 tell what to make of it. Well we kept at this, as I 
 told you before, for some hours, when it began to 
 grow plaguy hot, and the water steamed again. 
 Boiling springs! The captain said we were u'ld^r 
 Lapland, and the witches were all at work under the 
 huge cauldron. We had only to dip our beef over- 
 board and it was cooked in two minutes I Well, we 
 soon found out where we were; for though it was 
 as dark — aye, as black as my hat — y^t in an instant, 
 in an amagraphy I may say, we burst from the water 
 into the middle of a roaring fire, and was shot out of 
 the top of Mount Hecla like a pellet from a pop 
 gun. How would you like that now? How high 
 we went I can't say, but the sparks got hold of the 
 rockets and set them off; and I understand that the 
 Astronomer Royal, at the house up there, was look- 
 ing out that night, and took it for a whole ileet of 
 comets. We had a fine birii's-eye view of the world. 
 Saw Captain Parry jammed up in the ice. Captain 
 Franklin chasing the wolves, and Mr. Brooke killing 
 tha lemmings. Well, I can't say how high we went. 
 bav^s the master, says he, "A little hitrher, my lads, 
 and we shall be able to catch hold of the tail'of the 
 Great Bear, pass a hawser round it, and makp fast to 
 repair damages. But mind your helm bov, or you'll 
 spur us on to Bootes, knock Kiss-you-peeper out of 
 her chair, or run away with the Xurthern Crown — 
 though the Emperor of Russia takes prftty good 
 care of that." However, we did not go quite v*
 
 ,Vi DR. JOHNSON AND MiLLAR. 
 
 high, but came rattling down in a tremendous hurry. 
 Well, we fell at last upon a mountain of snow, keel 
 downwards. It broke our fall, and happily we sus- 
 tained but little injury — made a fine dock for our- 
 selves — shored the frigate up — got all ataunt in a few 
 days, and waited for the melting of the snow ; when 
 one morning the stocks fell, and we were left upon 
 the wide ocean. The fact was, we had tumbled on 
 the back of a kraken that had been aslepp for centu- 
 ries. The snow had gathered upon him in moun- 
 tains ; our thump had woke him, though I suppose 
 it took a fortnight to do it thoroughly ; down he 
 went, and we returned in safety to Old England. 
 Huzza, my boy! 
 
 Dr. Johnson and Millar. 
 When Dr. Johnson had finished the copy of his 
 Dictionary, which had wearied Millar, the booksel- 
 ler exceedingly, the latter sent the following card to 
 the Doctor : — " Andrew Millar sends his compli- 
 ments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with the money for 
 the last sheet of the copy of the Dictionary, and 
 thanks God he has done with him." The Doctor 
 sent the following brief reply: — "Mr. Samuel John- 
 son sends his compliments to Andrew Millar: he 
 has received his note, and is happy to find that An- 
 drew Millar has the grace to thank God for anything.^* 
 
 A sea horse. 
 The captain of a West Indiaman wished to buy a 
 horse. After the purchase was made the captain 
 said, " Well, now the horse is mine, pray tell me 
 candidly whether he has any faults, and what they 
 are." "What do you mean to do with him?" said 
 the other. " Why to take him to sea," answered 
 the captain. " Then I will be candid," replied the 
 dealer ; " he may go very well at sea, but on land he 
 cannot go at all or I would not have sold him."
 
 A NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS. 39 
 
 All gone out. 
 A gentleman having appointed to meet his friend 
 on particular business, went to his house and knock- 
 ed at the door, which was opened by a servant girl. 
 He informed her he wanted her master. " He is 
 gone out, sir," says she. " Then your mistress will 
 do," said the gentleman. " She is gone out too," 
 said the girl. " My business is of consequence," 
 returned he: "is your master's son at home?" 
 " No sir ; he is gone out." " That's unlucky in- 
 deed ; but perhaps it may not be long before they 
 return — I will step in and sit by your fire." " Oh, 
 sir — the fire is gone out too .'" said the girl. Upon 
 which the gentleman bade her inform her master, 
 that lie did not expect to be received so coolly." 
 
 A new way to pay old debts. 
 A son of the bar to a son of the awl 
 
 Three half croicns was indebted for shoes; 
 And though frequently Crispin was destined to call, 
 
 Still Quirk would the payment refuse. 
 
 Crispin met him one day ; and began " My friend 
 Quirk, 
 
 Can a lawyer be summon'd. I pray ?" 
 ♦'O yes " Quirk replied. Crisp, to finish the work, 
 
 " I'll summons your worship to-day." 
 " That trouble (the lawyer rejoin'd) I'll not give;" 
 
 Then tenpence whipt out in a trice ; 
 *' Your bill's three half crowns — then this balance re- 
 ceive, 
 
 The rest is viy charge for advice .'" 
 
 Anecdote of Rich, the Harlequin. 
 As the late Mr. Rich, whose abilities as an harle- 
 quin are universally known, was one evening return- 
 ing home from the playhouse in a hacknev-coach, he 
 ordered the coachman to drive him to the Sun, then
 
 40 ANECDOTE OF RICH. 
 
 a famous trivern in Clare Market. Just as the coach 
 passed one of the windows of the tavern, Rich, who 
 perceived it to be open, dexterously threw himself 
 out of the coach window into the room. The coach- 
 man, who saw nothing of the transaction, drew up, 
 descended from his box, opened the coach door, and 
 let down the st'^p, then taking off his hat, waited for 
 some time expecting his fare to alight; but at length 
 looking into the coach and seeing it empty, he be- 
 stowed a few hearty curses on the rascal who had 
 bilked him, remounted his box, turned about, and 
 was returning to the stand, when Rich watching the 
 opportunity, threw himself into the coach, and look- 
 ing out, asked the coachman where the devil he was 
 driving, and desired him to turnabout. The coach 
 man, almost petrified with fear instantly obeyed, and 
 once more drew up to the door of the tavern. Rich 
 now got out, aud after reproaching the man with 
 stupidity, tendered him his money. " No, God 
 bless your honour ; my master ordered me to take no 
 money to-night," said the coachman. "Pshaw! 
 yovir master's a fool — here's a shilling for yourself." 
 saidRich. "No, no"— said the coachman, who by 
 that time had remounted his box, "that will not do; 
 I know you too well, for all your shoes; and so Mr. 
 Devil, I think you are outwitted." 
 
 Wholesale not retail. 
 Some persons broke into the stables belonging to 
 a troop of horse which was quartered some time since 
 at Carlisle, and wantonly docked the tail of every 
 horse close to the rump! The captain relating the 
 mischievous circumstance next day to a brother of- 
 ficer, said he was quite at a loss what to do with the 
 horses. "I fancy you must dispose of them by 
 vrholcsale" was the reply. " W hy by iclwlesale?" 
 " Because you'll cerlainiy find it impossible to re-tail 
 them."
 
 A FAIR BRIEF. 41 
 
 High Style. 
 The late Honourable Henry Erskine, whose talents 
 at the bar and in soci^ty were eminent, met his ac- 
 quaintance, Jemmy Balfour, a barrister, who dealt 
 greatly in hard words and circumlocutious sen- 
 tences. Perceiving that his ancle was tied up with 
 a silk handkerchief, the former asked the cause. 
 " Why, my dear sir," answered the wordy lawyer, 
 " I was taking a rural, romantic ramble in my bro- 
 ther's grounds, when, coming to a gate, I had to 
 climb over it, by which I came in contact with the 
 first bar, and have grazed the epidermis on m.y skin^ 
 attended with a slight extravasation of blood." 
 " You may thank your lucky stars," replied Mr. Er- 
 skine, " that your brother's gate was not so lofty as 
 your style, or you must have broken your neck," 
 
 A fair Brief. 
 At the sittings in last Easter Term, a cause being 
 called on where there was no defence, the attorney 
 on the part of the defendant — who was known to he 
 one of the sharp practitioners — had given to coun- 
 sel, for his brief, a plain sheet of paper ; which was re- 
 marked by one in court, to be the very first time b^ 
 had ever given a fair brief to counsel. 
 
 The Breeches ; or, the Living Reading Desk. 
 
 BY MRS. SAVAGE. 
 
 In former days, as authors say, 
 
 \^ hen monks did little else but pray; 
 
 Far from the city's wild alarm, 
 
 And safe from every earthly harm, 
 
 A knot of holy men there dwelt, 
 
 ('Tis said they true contentment felt;) 
 
 Eetir'd from aU the world beside, 
 
 Their wants within their walls supplied ; 
 
 The garden or the choir they tread, 
 
 Ab hunger or devotion led.
 
 42 THK BREECHES. 
 
 No coaches rattled at their gate, 
 
 No footmen crowd their door for state. 
 
 A sober matron, old and neat. 
 
 To milk their cows, and dress their meat ; 
 
 A bov to wheel the dirt about, 
 
 And sweep each day the chapel out; 
 
 To ring the bell at eve and morn, 
 
 And turn the mill to grind the corn ; 
 
 Were all the household they possess'd, 
 
 Their own industry did the rest. 
 
 It happ'd one day the boy had stray'd 
 In search of eggs by magpie laid : 
 From bough to bough he cautious pass'd. 
 With hands and legs, still holding fast. 
 At length, the wish'd for prize he gain'd, 
 And in his pocket safi- detain'd. 
 Success, (alas ! too fatal truth) 
 Had taken off his guard the youth; 
 For, coming down with too much haste, 
 His foot on broken bough he plac'd ; 
 When down he fell — and, in his fall, 
 The eggs were broke : but, worse than all, 
 A wicked splinter in his way, 
 In breeches made a hideous fray! 
 The loss of eggs he'd patient borne 
 But what redress for breeches torn ? 
 Full well he knew that would betray, 
 That he too far had been astray. 
 
 Homeward he sped, with heavy woe. 
 Whilst tears adown his cheeks fast flow- 
 But wisely judging 'twas in vain, 
 For evils past to suffer pain, 
 And having found, without a jest, 
 That speaking truth was always best, 
 Free from reserve the tale he told 
 The matron, who began to scold. 
 •' I ne'er," said Jack, " did so befoif?, 
 Nor will I do so any more.
 
 THE BREECHIS. 43 
 
 In kindness, mother, spare the switch. 
 
 And put a patch upon my breech." 
 
 Her heart relents : "For once," said she — 
 
 I'll set you from your troubles free," 
 But fresh distresses now attend. 
 With what the breeches she shall mend. 
 
 She studied long — at last, s=iys she, 
 " In an old box, without a key, 
 Safe plac'd behind the chapel door, 
 Of volumes large there lies a btove; 
 Of parchment strong their leaves are marie-- 
 They'll do the job, I'm sure " she said. 
 
 With cheerful spe^d away Jack runs. 
 And with a book as fast returns. 
 Enough she lakes to fill the space — 
 The book hrf carries to its place — 
 His breech'd conceal'd. Jack ceas'd his woe, 
 And all things rest in statu quo. 
 
 But evils seldom come alone, 
 As by the sequel will be shown. 
 
 One fatal morn, at dawn of day, 
 When boy and matron both must pray; 
 In honour of a sainted maid, 
 A mass peculiar must be said. 
 From out the box the book they take, 
 And sing a part — when, lo ! a break. 
 
 All sore dismay'd the brethren look. 
 And turn from side to side the book. 
 How to proceed, or who to blame. 
 From whence the fragments to reclaim, 
 Were points that baffled all their wit. 
 When random chance the method hit. 
 
 Among them, one of curious eye, 
 Happ'd on Jack's breech the patch to sj!V- 
 He moves the book with solemn face. 
 And stra'ght lays Jack up in its place — - 
 With joy the br'ethrpn roui.d him thrfut^, 
 And from his bum pursue their song.
 
 44 FATHER o'LEARY AND CURRAN. 
 
 Jack passive lay, and hid his face, 
 (But wish'd the saint were in his place ,) 
 But, oh ! full sure his lot was hard. 
 From self defence to be debarr'd ; 
 For near the place from whence they suog, 
 A cruel wasp severely stung. 
 With patience he had born the smart, 
 While slowly they sang through the part; 
 But to repeat it o'er again. 
 No flesh alive could bear the pain. 
 "I can't — Ican't, indeed !" says Jack, 
 And gaxe a kick that drove them back ; 
 And, ere they could tell what to say, 
 The mass was fairly run away. 
 
 Father O'Leary and Counsellor Curran. 
 One day after dinner Curran said to Father 
 O'Leary, " Reverend father, I wish you were St. 
 Peter." " And why, counsellor, would you wish 
 that I were St. Peter ?" asked O'Leary. " Because, 
 reverend father, in that case you would have the 
 keys of heaven, and you could let me in. By my 
 honour and conscience, counsellor." replied the di- 
 vine, " it would be better for you that I had the key 
 of the other place, for then I could let you out." 
 Curran enjoyed the joke, which he admitted had a 
 good deal of justice in it. 
 
 Killhim when you want him. 
 A man sitting one evening at an alehouse, think- 
 ing how to get provision for the next day, saw a fel- 
 low dead drunk upon an opposite bench. " Do ycu 
 not wish to get rid of this sot ?" said he to the land- 
 lord. " I do — and half a crown shall speak my 
 thanks," was the reply. " Agreed. Get me a sack," 
 said the other. A sack was procured, and put over 
 the drunktn guest. Away trudged the man with 
 Lib burden till he came to the house of a noted re-
 
 THE PARTY OF A. B. C. 45 
 
 r.urrectionist, at whose door he knocked. •' Who's 
 there ?" said a voice from within. " I have brought 
 you a subject — so come quick, and give me my fee," 
 replied the man. The money was immediately paid, 
 and the sack with its contents deposited in the sur- 
 gery. The motion of quick walking had nearly re 
 covered the poor victim, who soon endeavoured to 
 extricate himself from the sack. The purchaser, en- 
 raged at being thus outwitted, ran after the man who 
 had thus deceived him, collared him, and cried out, 
 " Why you dog, the man's alive !" " Alive !" an 
 swered the other — "so much the better. Kill him 
 when you want him." 
 
 The Party of A. B. C. 
 Messrs A. B. and C. being characters known 
 To children quite small, and to those larger grown — 
 Invited the alphabet once, great and small, 
 To supper and cards and a bit of a ball. 
 
 A. undertook the amusements in store — 
 
 B. baked the buns, while C. chalk'd the floor: 
 
 C. sent round the circulars — all postage free — 
 To come to the party of great A. B. C. 
 
 The first note they wrote, and had sent, was to D., 
 
 But D. was a dur.ce and forgot A. B. C. ; 
 
 Unless he tried to decipher the letter, 
 
 So took it to E., as he could read better ; 
 
 E. told him all he desired to know, 
 
 And F. coming in, felt inclined, too, to go; 
 
 So D. E. and F. in one coach got all three, 
 
 To join in the party of great A. B.C. 
 
 G. drove in a gig with H. over a hill^^ 
 
 I. soon did join them, and J. with his Jill; 
 
 K. said 'twas killing to drive cattle fast— 
 
 L. much lamented for fear he'd be last: 
 
 M. said of money his wife had a store, 
 
 N. counted all the N's at thebarn door : 
 
 In mirth and good humour they all join'd with gle«, 
 
 To join the grand party of great A. B. C.
 
 46 A ROUGH BEDFELLOW. 
 
 O. owed so much he was fearful to go — 
 
 P. had his head powder'd like an old beau; 
 
 Q. quickly equipp'd, wore a little pig-tail, 
 
 At which Mr. K. did much rally and rail. 
 
 S. in sad silence sat still as a don, 
 
 The while to keep up with them T. trotted on : 
 
 In mirth and good humour they chatted with glee, 
 
 To join the grand party of great A. B. C. 
 
 To vary the journey V. went in a van; 
 
 U., though unwillingly, by the same plan — 
 
 And while of the weather they wisely did talk, 
 
 W. wore out his shoes bv the walk ; 
 
 X. cross'd his path, and did look cross and grim. 
 
 And Y. said, pray why did tiiey not stay for him? 
 
 But in mirth and good humour they chatted with 
 
 glee, 
 To join the grand party of great A. B. C. 
 
 A rongh bedfellow. 
 
 A young officer, a cornet in a regiment, being hos- 
 pitably entertained by a neighbourin.^ farmer, formed 
 a deliberate plan to seduce his wife. The usual 
 siege was laid, and such assiduity preserved, that it 
 could not escape the eye ofthefaamer; but, depend- 
 ing on his wife's constancy, he did not forbid the 
 miiitarv advances of his ^uest. In process of time 
 the lady, who despised the advances of the officer, 
 took an opportunity of stating the whole case to her 
 husband : in consequence of which a plan was laid, 
 and the execution nearly proved fatal to tbe lover. 
 
 The farmer one day invited all the officers of the 
 regiment to dine with him except the cornet; and 
 the cornet was not a little rallied upon the neglect at 
 the mess-room, where he had often boasted that he 
 should make the farmer's wife one of his regimental 
 followers. However, the day previous to the dinner 
 the cornet received a letter from the lady, intimating 
 that if he would attend at the garden ate the same
 
 HOW TO SPELr> S. DOL'CLE E. 4"? 
 
 li^'.it at half-past teu o'clockhe should be couductecl 
 her chamber. 
 
 All things were prepared — the officers dined with 
 he farmer — and the cornet, tru^> to his appointment, 
 net an abigail, who conducted him to her mistress's 
 jed-room. He was soon under the bed-clothes, and 
 scarcely there before he received such a pressing hug 
 IS obliged him to call out for help. The alarm was 
 jiven — the company ran_ up stairs with lights, and 
 found the cornet fast locked in the embrace of a 
 monstrous dancing bear — the proprietor of the beast 
 holding the chain of the bear on one side of the bed 
 The first business was to release the poor lover from 
 his rough antagonist, and his fears beiug somewhat 
 allayed he was suffered to depart, amidst the sneers 
 and derision of his comrades. 
 
 How to spell S. dmUe E. 
 
 With bushy bob and snufF-begrimed nose, 
 Rusty black coat, and pen behind his ear, 
 
 Terence Malone in majesty arose, 
 The birchen object of respect aTid fear. 
 
 His cheeks were pimpled and his ey^-s inclln*! 
 
 With all their strength, and soul, and mind, 
 
 To join their brains somewhere about 
 
 The tip of Jerry's snubby snout; 
 
 In short, by all the girls 'twas more than hinted, 
 
 That Mister Terence squinted. 
 
 " Come here, young Fogerty, you little btai"»» 
 So you've been playing in the ditches 
 And tor« your dawny taste of breecht- s — 
 
 I hope you have your lesson pat. 
 
 S double E— what spells S double E ? 
 
 Don't be star-gazing so — mind what I siy— 
 
 S double E, you little stupid fool — 
 
 Upon my conscience, you disgrace my school i 
 
 S double E, you ass ! What do I do 
 
 When I raise up my eyes and look at yoi ?
 
 48 CHURCHYARD ACCOUMT. 
 
 Tou'll say it now, or else the devil's in't" — 
 " Why, sir, you squint !" 
 
 Churcliyard account. 
 A poor labourer having been obliged to undergo 
 the operation of having bis leg cut off, was charged 
 sixteen-pencH by the sexton for burying it. The poor 
 fellow applied to the rector for redress, who told him 
 he could not relieve him at that time, but that he 
 should certainly consider it in his fees when tlie rest 
 of his body came to be buried. 
 
 No need of repentance. 
 An honest Quaker, finding the object of his choice 
 centered in the person of a tradesman's daughter, 
 not of the elect, obtained her father's consent and 
 married her. This heinous sin wholly deprived him 
 of the friendship of the brethren ; but beins: greatly 
 respected, he was frequently in private solicited to 
 repent. To one of the friends, who was urging the 
 matter very strongly, he replied — " Friend, if I say 
 I repent, I shall lie. I have got a good wife, and a 
 hundred a-year — and what man can repent of such a 
 bargain ?" 
 
 4 home thrust. 
 You look as fierce as a lion I" said a Yorkshire 
 farmer to one of his ploughbovs. "So do you, 
 meastor !" says the boy. " So do I, you dog — what 
 do you mean ? Did you ever see a lion ?" " Yes, 
 measter — you look just like one I saw in the crote 
 t'other day." " You blockhead !" replied the ho- 
 nest farmer, " that was a Dick Ass!" 
 
 Disembodied Militia. 
 
 A gentleman belonging to the militia being at a 
 market town whera his regiment had been previouely
 
 VENDIBLE JVSTICE. 4'' 
 
 3titioned, was informed that the ladies, and manv 
 '.veil meaning persons, had been much alarmed oy 
 the appearance of a ghost, which parad':'d the streets 
 every night. "Captain," said a gentleman with a 
 kind of sneer, " I think you and your corps wouia 
 be the likeliest to take this same ghost." " Nobody 
 more so," replied he; " especially when it is consi- 
 dered that we are now disembodied.^' 
 
 Verulihle justice. 
 An attorney, who had just purchased the cffice of 
 seneschal for his son, advised him always to work 
 usefully, and to make those who had need of his ser- 
 vices contribute liberally. "What, father," cried the 
 astonished son, " would you wish me to sell justice ?" 
 "Doubtless," replied the father, "a thing so raie 
 ought not to be given gratis." 
 
 Sliort days and lonj yiighfs. 
 The late Bonnel Thornton, like most wits, was a 
 lover of conviviality, which led him frequently to 
 spend the whole night in company, and all the nexr 
 morning in bed. On one of these occasions an old 
 female relation having waited on him before he had 
 arisen, began to read him a lecture on prudence; 
 which she concluded by saying, " Ah, Bonnel ! I 
 see plainly that you'll shorten your days." " Very 
 true, madam," replied he ; "but, by the same rule, 
 you must admit that I shall lengllien my niglits." 
 
 Rural Simplicity. 
 The Hertfordshire peasants are notorious forth-ir 
 want of urbanity. Indeed, as regards all that rnlatea 
 to civility. th?y are as great brutes as any gentlemea 
 alive. A lady, while on a visit to a friend in the 
 county, had, during her rides on horspback in the 
 neighbourhood, become perf-^otlv aware of the hoor- 
 ishneasof the peasantry. One day when riding un-
 
 50 THE SAILOR AND THE STAGE COACH. 
 
 attended, she came to a bye gate of her host's park 
 whicn had not a lodge. A chubby boy «^as swinging 
 to and fro upon it. She ventured to beg that he 
 would hold it open while she passed. To her utter 
 amazement he did so. Delighted with his compla- 
 cency, she gave him a shilling, observing, " It is 
 quite clear, my lad, from your civility, thai t/ou are 
 not a native of Hertfordshire." " Thee art a liar — I 
 be !" was the reply. The lady was, of course, tho- 
 roughly convinced. 
 
 The Sailor and tlie Stage Coach. 
 An honest Jack tar would be coached up to town 
 from Deptford, but thought it a very unbecoming 
 thing in him, who had just been paid off and bad 
 plenty of money, not to have a whole coach to him- 
 self; of course, took all the seats, seating himself at 
 the same time upon the top. The coach was about 
 to set off, when a gentlemen appeared, who was 
 holding an altercation with the coachman about the 
 absurdity of his insisting that the seats were all 
 taken, and not a person in the coach. .Tack, over- 
 hearing high words, thought as he had paid full 
 freight he had a right to interfere, inquired what 
 was the matter. When being told that the gentle- 
 man was m\ich disappointed at not getting a seat, he 
 replied, " You lubber, stow him away in the hold- 
 he shall not come upon deck !" 
 
 Teaching by the ear. 
 \ lady who was playing a difficult tune to her 
 m.isic-niaster, not being able to get through with it 
 to her SHtisfaction, threw down her music-book in a 
 passion, and said to him, " Can you not teach me by 
 the ear ?" " I am very sorry," replied he, " that it 
 is not in my power, madam; as I make it a rule only 
 to teach by tbe qtMrier."
 
 A 5ER>roN. 51 
 
 Old age secured. 
 
 As Sir Walter Scott was riding once with a friend 
 in the neighbourhood of Abbotsford, he came to a 
 field gate, which an Irish beggar who happened to be 
 near hastened to open for him. Sir Walter was de- 
 sirous of rewarding this civility by the present of 
 sixpence, but found that he had not so small a coin 
 in his purse. " Here, my good fellow," said the ba- 
 ronet, " here is a shilling for you; but mind, you 
 owe me sixpence." " God bless your honour I" ex- 
 claimed Pat : " may your honour live till I pav you." 
 
 A Sermr.n. 
 A clergyman preaching a sermon on some parti- 
 cular patriarch, was extremely hish in his panegy- 
 ric, and spoke of him as far excelling every saint in 
 the calendar. He took a view of the celestial hier- 
 archy, but in vain, he could not assign to his saint a 
 place worthy so many virtues as he possessed ; every 
 sentence ended thus : — " Where, then, can we place 
 this great patriarch ?" One of the congregation, 
 tired at last of the repetition, exclaimed, '• As I am 
 going away, you may put him in my pew.'' 
 
 A Frenchman's blunder. 
 A Frenchman having frequently heard the word 
 press made use of to imply persuade, as, " press that 
 gentleman to take some refreshment,'' " press him 
 to stay to-night ;" thought he would display his ta- 
 lents by using what he imagined a synonimous term, 
 and therefore made no scruple one evening to cry 
 out in company, " Pray squeeze that lady to sing." 
 
 Tyco to One ; or, Close Shuving. 
 A barber in a borough town, it seems 
 Had voted for Sir John against Sjr Jamps ; 
 Sir James, in angry mood, took laide — 
 
 " Don't you remember
 
 92 THE LITTLE RASCAL, 
 
 •' Five pieces for five minutes work I gave : 
 
 And does not one good turn another crave ?" 
 
 *' Yes," quoth the barber, and his fingers smack'd, 
 
 "I grant the doctrine, and admit the fact; 
 
 Sir John, on the same score, paid the same price, 
 
 But twice was shav'd, and so, of course, paid twice !" 
 
 The Little Rascal. 
 A shopkeeper at Doncaster, had, for his virtues, 
 obtained the name of the little rascal- A stranger 
 asked him why this appellation was given him ?" 
 " To distinguish me from the rest of my trade, who 
 are all great rascals," quoth he. 
 
 Also and likeimse. 
 A Quaker came before two judges at an assize in 
 Ireland as a witness, when he made frequent use of 
 the words also and likewise. " Pr'ythee, man," cried 
 one of their lordships, " why do you vary those words 
 80 often — are they not both of the same significa- 
 tion ?" " No trul3 ," said the Quaker, "their mean- 
 ing is very different : as for example — Serjeant Bet- 
 tesworth is a judge upon this bench; thou art one 
 also, but not like-wise." 
 
 Roundabout evidence. 
 Mother Hopkins told me that she heard Green's 
 wife say, that John Glarrie's wife told her that 
 Granny Hopkins heard the Widow Basham say, 
 that Captain Weed's wife thought Colonel Hodkin's 
 wife believed that old Miss Lamb reckoned that Sa- 
 muel Dunham's wife had told Spalding's wife that 
 she heard John Frinks's wife say, that her mother 
 told her old Miss Jenks heard Granny Cook say that 
 it was a matter of fact I 
 
 Hci?r to make a boy talk. 
 A boy, three years of age, was particularly o«.ck-
 
 CAUSE AND EFFECT. 53 
 
 ward in hia tongue, and his parents feared that he 
 would never talk. " Send him to a girl's school," 
 said a friend. The hint uas adopted, and succeeded 
 beyond expectation. 
 
 Cause and effect. 
 
 A country attorney drew a bill the other day upon 
 his agent in London, which was noted for non-pay- 
 ment. The person wrote to the agent to know the 
 reason of its being dishonoured. The agent wrote 
 on the back of the note, " No effects." The other 
 wrote again to know how this could happen ; upon 
 which he wrote back, " JSo causes.^' 
 
 Conjugal affection. 
 
 Mr. P , a rich West India planter, one tempe,s- 
 
 tuous evening after supper — his stock of water being 
 exhausted — sent his wife a short distance from the 
 house for a fresh supply. The thunder and light- 
 ning being excessive during her absence, a friend 
 said to him, " Why did you not send that girl (a 
 slave) for the water such a night as this, instead of 
 your wife?" Oh, no," replied he, '• that would ne- 
 ver do ; that slave cost me forty pounds." 
 
 Lex Talionis. 
 A bishop travelling in his coach, met a capuchin 
 who was riding on horseback. He asked the monk, 
 with a sarcastic smile, " How long has St. Francis 
 been in the habit of travelling on horseback ?" 
 "Since St. Peter has been accustomed to ride in a 
 coach," was the reply. 
 
 Foolish patients. 
 Dr. Ratcliffe being in company with Dr. Case, 
 drank to him. " Brnther Case, here's to all the 
 fools — your patients." " Thank you brother Rad-
 
 54 THE TOUR OP A PRESENT. 
 
 cliffe ; let me but have that part of the practice, afid 
 you are quite wc-lcome to all the rest," reolied the 
 other. 
 
 The Tour of a Present. 
 A French girl, equally remarkable for beauty and 
 merit, was addressed by a young nobleman, who 
 having found all arts to gain her affections unsuc- 
 cessful, was determined to see what effect presents 
 would have on her. For this experiment he pur- 
 chased fourpottles of peas at an exorbitant price (as 
 they were the only ones to be got at Paris) and sent 
 them to his beloved. The mother of the young lady 
 accepted them for her : and being at that time en- 
 gaged in a law suit and much reduced in finances, 
 proposed sellin? them. The daughter was for some 
 time averse to this disgraceful conduct, but she was 
 at length overruled, and an old servant was sent out 
 to sell them to the Prince of Conde. Another lover 
 of the young lady's met the servant, and not know- 
 ing who she was, bought them of her for a very ex- 
 travagant sum. He immediately dispatched them to 
 his mistress, who laughed heartily at their return, 
 and had one of the pottles served up for dinner. 
 Three more were now remaining, and these the mo- 
 ther sent as a douceur to her attorney, hoping to in- 
 sure his honesty by her liberality- The attorney 
 transferred them to a marquis who patronized him. 
 and the marquis dispatched them a third time lo the 
 lovely Parisian, with whom he wr.s also enamoured. 
 The last present arrived when the two other lovers 
 were in company with their mistress, and they both 
 eat down to supper with her upon her own peas. 
 
 Dusty sentiment. 
 A literary dustman — who had been complimented 
 the preceding evening for his singing at a free-and- 
 getting one Sunday afternoon on the top of
 
 AN ASS TIRNED INTO A MAN. 55 
 
 FrimrosP Ilill, could not bolp exclaiming, as he sat 
 sipping his gin and munching his gingerbread — 
 *' Ah, how sweet it is to escape to solitude from the 
 delusions of a flattering world!" 
 
 Curious Election bill. 
 The following is a copv of a curious Election bill, 
 
 actually delivered to an Irish member of Parliament, 
 
 bv a publican, after a general election : — 
 
 £ s d. 
 
 To eating sixteen Freeholders above stairs, 
 
 for Sir John, at 3s. 6cZ. per lipad . . . 1 12 6 
 
 To eating eleven more below stairs, and two 
 
 Clergymen after supper 1 25 9 
 
 To six beds in one room, and four in ano- 
 ther, at two guineas every bed, three or 
 four in a bed every night 22 15 
 
 To twenty-three horses in the yard all 
 night, at 13d. every one of them, and for 
 a man watching them all night . . . 1 to 
 
 £27 » 8 
 
 An ass turned into a man. 
 A party of young men walking one day espied an 
 ass tied to a door, and being in want of an object to 
 kill a little time, they resolved to play bumpkin a 
 trick, who. having disposed of his wares, was enjoy- 
 ing his pint and his pipe in the house. The youths 
 were not long at a loss what to be at — one of them 
 proposing that the panniers should be put upon his 
 back, and the bridle on his head, whilst the rest led 
 the ass astray. In this condition stood the scholar, 
 when bumpkin, who had by this time finished his 
 pipe and pint, came to the door; all amazem.ent at 
 what he saw, he stood gaping for a minute or ♦.no, 
 when the young man thus addressed him ; — " You 
 must know, sir, that I quarrelled with my fa;i:t»/
 
 56 THE CONFESSION. 
 
 about seven years since, and for my disobedience I 
 was changed into the degrading shape of an ass, to 
 endure every hardship for that space of time ; which 
 being now expired, you are bound to set me at li- 
 berty." Bumpkin, believing the tale told, took off 
 the panniers and bridle, and set the young man at 
 large. A few days afterwards the rustic went to a 
 neighbouring country fair to purchase another ass, 
 in lieu of the one he had lost ; and, after viewing 
 different beasts, to his no small surprise his old iden- 
 tical ass was offered to him; which on seeing its 
 master, brayed most piteously in token of recogni- 
 tion ; but Hodge, nothing moved thereat, passed on 
 to another, exclaiming — " So, you have quarrelled 
 ■with your father again, have you ? But, dang me, 
 if I'll have you again !" 
 
 Tlie Confession. 
 A lady at confession, amongst other heinous 
 crimes, accused herself of using rouge. " What is 
 the use of it ?" asked the confessor. '• I do it to 
 make myself handsomer." " And does it produce 
 that effect ?" " I think so, father." The confessor 
 on this took his penitent out of the confessional, and 
 having looked at her attentively in the light, said 
 " Well, madam, you may use rouge, for you are ugly 
 enough even with it." 
 
 Fast asleep. 
 A witness under examination in an Irish court of 
 justice, had just stated that he was suddenly roused 
 from his slumbers by a blow on the head. " And 
 how did you find yourself?" asked the examining 
 counsel. " Fas^as/eejs," replied the witness. 
 
 StocJcings. 
 Black stockings of all colours were lately advcrtiied 
 to « country newspaper.
 
 AN HOUR IN THE PILLORY. 57 
 
 An hour in the Pillory. By cue who }ias been tliere. 
 
 I never was in the pillory but once, which I must 
 ever consider a misfortune. It is a sort of Egg-Prt— 
 miership : a place above your fellows, but a place in 
 whichyour hands are tied. You are not without the 
 established political vice, for you are not absolved 
 from turning. 
 
 'Let me give a brief description of the short irre- 
 gular glance I had of men and things while I was in 
 pillory power. I was raised to it, as many men are 
 to high stations, by my errors. I merely made a 
 mistake of some sort or other, and lo I the Recorder 
 of London — with a Buavity of manner peculiar to 
 himself — announced to me my intended promotioi^ 
 and in due time I was installed into office. 
 
 It was a fine day for the pillory — that is to say, it 
 rained in torrents. Those only who have had board- 
 ing and lodging like mine, can estimate the comfort 
 of having washing into the bargain. 
 
 It was about noon when I was placed, like a sta- 
 tue, upon my wooden pedestal — an hour probably 
 chosen out of consideration to the innocent little ur- 
 chins then let out of school, for they are a race noto- 
 riously fond of shying^ pitching, jerking, pelting, 
 flinging, slinging — in sliort, professors of throwing 
 in all its branches. 
 
 The storm commenced. Stones began to spit — 
 mud to mizzle — cabbage-stalks thickened into a 
 shower. Now and then came a dead kitten — some- 
 times a living cur ; anon an egg would hit me on the 
 eye — an offence I was obliged to wink at. A travel- 
 ling china dealer actually threw away two-pence to 
 hare a pitch at me with a pipkin: a Billingsgate 
 huckster treated me with a few herrings, not by any 
 means too stale for St. Giles's; while the weekly 
 halfpence of the schoolboys went towards the sup- 
 port of a costermonger and his donkey, who supplied 
 them with eggs fit for throwing— and nothing else.
 
 58 GO HOME AND DO YOUR WORST. 
 
 My first fifteen minutes — the only quarter I met 
 with, had now elapsed, and my face was turned to- 
 wards another direction. The first object my eye 
 fell upon was a heap of Macadamization, aud 1 con- 
 fess 1 never thought of calculating the number of 
 stones in such a hillock, till I saw the mob preparing 
 to cast them up. 
 
 I expected to be lithographed on the spot! In- 
 Btinct suggested to me that the only wav to save my 
 life was by dying : so dropping my head and hands, 
 and closing my eyes with a terrific groan. 1 expired 
 for the present. The ritse took effect. Supposing 
 me to be defunct, the mob refused to kill me. Shouts 
 of " Murder ! Shame! No Pillory!" burst from all 
 quarters. The pipkin-monger abused the fish-wo- 
 man, who rated the schoolboys; they in tarn fell 
 foul of the costermonger, who was hissing and groan- 
 ing with all his might at the whole assembly ; and 
 finally, a philanthrophic constable took the whole 
 group into custody. In the mean time I was taken 
 down, laid with a sack over me in a cart, and driven 
 off to a hospital ; my body seeming a very proper 
 present to St. Bartholomew's or St. Thomas's, but my 
 clothes fit for nothing but Guy's. 
 
 Go home, and do your worst. 
 
 Dr. South, whilst he held the living of Caversham, 
 was called out of bed one cold winter's morning by 
 his clerk to marry a couple, who were then waiting 
 for him. The doctor hurried up, and went shivering 
 to the church, where seeing nobody but an old man 
 of seventy, a woman about the same age, and his 
 clerk, he asked in a pet, where the bride and bride- 
 groom were, and what that man and woman did 
 there? The old man replied, they came there to be 
 married. " Married :" exclaimed the doctor sternly. 
 " Yes, married ; better marry than do worse," said 
 the old man. "Go, get you £one, you silly old
 
 A FLATTERING COMPLIMENT. 59 
 
 fools," said the doctor — " get home and do your 
 worst !" and immediately hobbled out of the church 
 in a passion, after remonstrating with his clerk for 
 calling him out of bed ou such a sleeveless errand. 
 
 A Jlattering compliment. 
 A person coming into the apartment of an ac- 
 quaintance, just as he was dining alone on a calf's 
 head, apologized, saying, *' I did not know you were 
 engaged in a tete a tete." 
 
 A keen shaver. 
 
 The following is a curious instance of the effect of 
 punctuation. A man having been shaved, and taken 
 a glass of liquor, was about to quit the barber's with- 
 out making pecuniary acknowledgment, when he was 
 stopped by the barber, with whom he remonstrated, 
 and appealed, as his justification, to an inscription 
 over the door, which he read as follows : 
 " What do you think ? 
 
 I'll shave von for nothing and give you something to 
 drink." 
 
 The barber, however, soon set his customer right, 
 by oiving to the distich its true import ; 
 " What ! do yn'u think 
 
 I'll shave vou for nothing, and give you something 
 to drink?" 
 
 An elegant compliment, 
 
 A party were one night amusing themselves at 
 the Duchess de Maine's, with finding ingenious dif- 
 ferences between any two given subjects. " W hat 
 is the difference between me and a watch ?" said the 
 Duchess to the Cardinal de Polignac, who was pre-^ 
 sent. '• A very material one, madam," said the car- 
 dinal ; " when we loqk on a watch we remember the 
 flight of time, but when we look on your grace we 
 forget it." 
 
 c 3
 
 60 A REAL CAUSE FOR IMPATIENCE. 
 
 Simplicity. 
 The great hospital for the sick in Paris is called 
 L'Hotel JDTV7t— literally, " The House of God." A 
 Gascon was carried there, and as he was thought to 
 be in great danger of death, one of his friends asked 
 him if he had made his peace with God. " 1 sup- 
 pose so," replied the sick gascon, " for you see he has 
 given me a room and abed in his house." 
 
 A real cause for impatience. 
 
 At an inn in a market town upon the great road 
 leading to Holyhead, where a country company of 
 wandering comedians were murdering the language 
 of some of our best dramatic writers, a gentleman 
 sat in the kitchen smoking his pipe, and regarding 
 with pleasure a fowl that was roatting for his sup- 
 per. A tall meagre figure stalked in, and, with an 
 earnest and melancholy look at the fowl, retired 
 •with a sigh. Repeating his visit a second time, he 
 exclaimed " That fowl will never be done in time." 
 a' ^Vhat do sou mean? that fowl is for my supper, 
 .nd you shan't touch a bit of it," said the gentleman. 
 Oh," replied the other, " you misunderstand me — 
 I do not want the fowl ; but 1 am to play Oroonoko 
 this evening, and we cannot begin for want of the 
 jack chain." 
 
 Singular Will of Jchn Hedges, Esq. Who died 1737. 
 iThis fifth day of May, 
 '. Being airy and gay, 
 
 And to hyp not inclin'd, 
 
 But of vigorous mind, 
 
 And my body in health ; 
 
 I'll dispose of my wealth. 
 
 And all I'm to Irave, 
 
 On this side of the grave. 
 
 To some one or other: 
 
 And, ! think, to my brother :
 
 GOING THE HOME CIRCUIT. CI 
 
 Because I foresaw 
 
 That my brethren-in-law, 
 
 If I did not take care, 
 
 Would come in for their share ; 
 
 "Which I no wise intended, 
 
 Till their manners are mended. 
 
 And of that. God knows, there's no sign; 
 
 I therefore enjoin, 
 
 And do strictly command, 
 
 As witness my hand. 
 
 That nou/jht I have got. 
 
 Shall go into hotch-pot; 
 
 But I give and devise. 
 
 As much as in me lies, 
 
 To the son of my mother, 
 
 My own dear brother, 
 
 To have and to hold. 
 
 All my silver and gold, 
 
 As the affectionate pledges 
 
 Of his brother, John Hedges. 
 
 Going the Home Circuit. 
 The facetious George Colman, in his Random Re- 
 cords, gives the following anecdote of Jekyll, whom 
 he numbers among his early friends : — " One day, 
 Jekyll observed a squirrel in Colman's chambers, in 
 the usual round cage, performing t.liMsame operation 
 as a man in the tread-mill, and, looking at it for a 
 minute, exclaimed " Ah, poor devil! he is going the 
 home circuit." 
 
 Hurncrous Specimen of Alliteration. 
 
 Sir, — Perceiving your desire toknowhowl passed 
 my time in Pembrokeshire, 1 here present you with 
 an account of mv proceedings in a progress I lately 
 r.'ia.de to a gentleman's house purely to procure a 
 plan of it. 
 
 I proceeded in a party of pleasure with Mr. Trait
 
 6*^ SPECIMEN OF ALLITERATION. 
 
 of Picton Castle, Mr. Powell of Penally, and Mr. 
 Push of Purley, to go and dine with Mr. Pritchard 
 of Postmain, which was readily agreed to, and soon 
 put in practice. However, I thought it a proper 
 
 frecaution to post away a person privately to Mr. 
 ritchard's, that he might provide for us and we 
 proceeded after him. The town where Mr. Pritchard 
 lives is a poor, pitiful, paltry place, though his house- 
 is in the prettiest part of it, and is a prince's palace 
 to the rest. His parlour is a lo.'ty pitch, and full of 
 pictures of the prime pencils : he hath a pompous 
 portico or pavilion prettily paved, leading to the 
 parterre; from hence you have a prodigious prospect 
 — particularly pointing to Percilly Hill, where he 
 propagates a parcel of Portuguese and Polish poul- 
 trv. The name of his hoase is Prawfenden, which 
 puzzled me most plaguily to pronounce properlv. 
 He received us very politely, and presented us with 
 a plentiful dinner. At the upper end of the table 
 was a pike, with fried perch and plaice : at the lower 
 end pickled pork pease, and parsnips: in the middle 
 a pigeon pie, with pufF paste ; on the one side a po- 
 tatoe pudding; and on the other side pig's pettitoes. 
 The second course was a dish of pheasants, with 
 poults and plovers, and a plate of preserved pine and 
 and pippins; another with pickled pepper pods; 
 another with prawns ; another with pargamon for a 
 provocative ; with a pyramid of pears, peaches, 
 plums, pippins, and pistachios. After dinner there 
 was a profusion of port and punch, which proved too 
 powerful for poor Mr. Pet^r the parson of the parish ; 
 for it pleased his palate, and he poured it down by 
 pints, which made him prate in a pedantic pragma- 
 tical manner. This displeased Mr. Price the parlia- 
 ment man, a profound politician ; but he persisted, 
 and made it a prolix preamble, which proved his 
 principles prejudiced and partial against the present 
 people in power. Mr. Price, who is a potent party 
 man, called him a popish parson, and said he prayed
 
 SPECIMEN OF ALLITERATION. 63 
 
 privately in his heart for the Pretender, and that he 
 was a presumptuous priest for preaching such stuif 
 publicly. The parson puffed his pipe passively for 
 some time, because Mr. Price was nis patron ; but 
 at length losing all patience, he plucked off Mr. 
 Price's perriwig, and was preparing to push it with 
 the point of a poker into the fire ; upon which Mr. 
 Price, perceiving a pewter pot of porter in the pas- 
 sage, presented the parson with the contents in his 
 phiz, and gave him a pat on the pate, the percussion 
 of which prostrated hiir. plump on the pavement, 
 and raised a protuberance on his ppricranium. This 
 put a period to our proceedings, and patched up a 
 peace; for the parson was in a piteous plight, and 
 had prudence enough to be prevailed upon to cry 
 peccavi, and in a plaintive posture to petition for 
 pardon. Mr. Price, who was proud of his perform- 
 ance, pulled him out of the puddle, and protested he 
 was sorry for what had passed in his passion, which 
 was partly owing to the provocation given him from 
 some of his preposterous propositions, which he 
 prayed him never to presume to advance again in his 
 presence. Mr. Pugh, who practises physic, pre- 
 scribed phlebotomy and a poultice to the parson, 
 but he preferred wetted brown paper to any plais- 
 ter, and then placed himself in a proper position, 
 that the power of the fire misht pi^U'^trate bis poste- 
 riors, and dry his purple plush breeches. This po- 
 ther was succeeded bv politics, as ?»Ir.Pulteney, the 
 patriot's patent for the peerage, the kings of Poland, 
 Prussia, Prague, and the Palatine, pandours and 
 partizans, Portsmouth parades, and the presumption 
 of the privateers who pick up prizes almost in our 
 very ports, and places and pensions, pains and pe- 
 nalties. Next came cu plays and poetry, the pic- 
 ture of ^fr. Pope perched on a pedestal, and th«» 
 price of the pit, pantomimes, prudes, and the primate 
 of Ireland, and printers, and preferments, pick- 
 pockets and pointers; and the pranks of that prig
 
 64 WORSE TAUGHT THAN FED. 
 
 the poet laureate's progeny, though his papa is the 
 perfect pattern of paternal piety. To be brief, I pro- 
 phesy you think I am prolix. We parted at last, 
 out had great difficulty in procuring a passage from 
 Mr. Pritchard's for he had placed a padlock on the 
 stable-door on purpose to prevent us, and pretended 
 his servant was gone out with his key; but, finding 
 us peremptory, the key was prodnced, and we per- 
 mitted to go. We pricked our palfreys a good pace, 
 although it was a& dark as pitch, which put me in 
 pain, because I was purblind, lest we should ride 
 plump against the posts, which are prefixed to keep 
 horse passengers from going on the path that is 
 pitched with pebbles. 
 
 Mr. Price, who was our pilot, had a very providen- 
 tial escape, for his pad fell a prancing, and would 
 not pass one step farther, which provoked him much, 
 for he piques himself on his horsemanship. I pro- 
 posed to him to dismount, which he did : and peep- 
 ing and peering about, found he was on the point of 
 a perpendicular precipice, from which he might pro- 
 bably have fallen, had not his horse plunged in that 
 peculiarly particular manner. This put us all into a 
 palpitation, and we plodded on the rest of the pro- 
 gression, plan piano, as the Italians say, or pazz a 
 pazz, as the French phrase has it. I shall postpone 
 several other particulars till I have the pleasure of 
 passing a day with you at Putney, which shall be aa 
 soon as possible. I am, sir. your most humble ser- 
 vant, Plato Piper. 
 
 To Mr. Peter Pettiwar 1, at Putney. (Penny post 
 paid.) 
 
 Worse taught than fed. 
 Upon some hasty errand Tom was sent, 
 And met his parish curate as he went ; 
 But, just like what he was, a sorry clown, 
 It seems he pass'd him with a cover'd crown.
 
 A DOUBLE BULL. 65 
 
 The parson stopp'd, and turning, fiercely said — 
 
 " I doubt, my lad, you're far worse taught than fed. " 
 
 " Why, aye," says Tom, still jogging on, " that's 
 
 true — 
 Thank God, he feeds me — but I'm taught by you." 
 
 A double bull. 
 Two gentlemen passing a blackberry busb wh<^n 
 the fruit was unripe, one said it was ridiculous to 
 call them blackberries when they were red." " Don't 
 you know," said his friend, "that blackberries are 
 always red when they are green ?" 
 
 Legal ingemdty. 
 
 An English serjeant-at-law, celebrated for bullying 
 and brow-beating witnesses, saved himself from a 
 good flogging by the following means. 
 
 He had, it appears, on the Western circuit most 
 grossly insulted a very respectable gentleman in 
 court, in the course of an examination. Thp next 
 morning very early the insulted party proceeded to 
 the lodgings of the advocate with a good horsewhip 
 in his hand, and rr'quested of the clerk to see his 
 master, alleging that he had business of great im- 
 portance with him. The clerk showed the gentleman 
 into his bed-room, where he lav fast asleep, and 
 upon his awaking was addressed by his visitor as 
 follows . — " Sir, I am the person whom you so scan- 
 dalously treated yesterday in court without any rea- 
 son, and I am come personally to chastise you with 
 this horsewhip for your insolence." "Are you in- 
 deed?" replied the barrister — " but you will surely 
 not strike a man m bed ?" "No, sir; I pledge my 
 honour not to do that," said the gentleman. " Then 
 by heaven, I will lay here till doomsday !" exclaimed 
 the Serjeant. The humour of the thought disarmed 
 the anger of the affronted crentleman, and bursting 
 ■nto a fit of laughter, he said — " There, sir; you may
 
 66 A VERY FINE LINE. 
 
 lie as long as yeu like ; I will not molest you this 
 time, but let me recommend you never again to hold 
 up a person of respectability, %vliose only object is to 
 tell the truth, to the derision of a court of justicp,' 
 and left the man of law to console himself. 
 
 A TCTv fne live. 
 It was an annua! custom for Doctor Johnson's 
 bookseller to invite his authors to dine with him ; 
 and it was on such an occasion that Dr. Johnson and 
 Dr. Rose of Chiswick met, when a dispute began on 
 the pre-eminence of English and Scotch writers. In 
 the course of conversation, Warbarton's name was 
 mentioned, when Dr. Rose observed, " What an im- 
 perious man he was." Dr. Johnson answered," Sir, 
 so he was; but he possessed more learning than has 
 been imported from Scotland since the days of Ru- 
 chanaru" Dr. Rose, after enumerating several 
 Scotch authors, said " What think you of David 
 Hume, sir?" " He was a deistical scribbling fellow," 
 was the answer. " Well, be it so ; but what think 
 you of Lord Rute ?" " I did not know that he wrote 
 anything," replied Johnson. "No I Ithinkhehas 
 written one line that has outdone any thing that 
 Shakspeare or Milton or any one else ever wrote." 
 " Pray what was that, sir ?" enquired Johnson. 
 " It was when he wrote an order for your pension, 
 sir," replied the other. Dr. Johnson, who was 
 quite confounded, exclaimed, " Why, that was a very 
 tine line to be sure, sir." 
 
 Tiding. 
 An honest tar being at a Quaker's meeting, heard 
 the friend that was holding forth speak with great 
 vehemence against the ill consequence of giving the 
 lie in conversation, and therefore advising that when 
 anv man told a tale not consistent with truth or pro- 
 bability, the hearer should only cry " Twang 1"
 
 TALKING AT CHURCH. 67 
 
 which could not irritate people to passion like the 
 lie. Afterwards he digressed into the story of the 
 miracle of five thousand being fed with five loaves 
 of bread, &c. he then told them that they were not 
 such loaves as those used now-a-days, but were as 
 big as mountains; at which the tar uttered with a 
 loud voice, " Twang I" " What," says the Quaker, 
 " dost thou think I lie, friend?" "No," says Jack, 
 " but I am thinking how big the ovens were that 
 baked them." 
 
 TaVnvg at Church. 
 In some parish churches it is the custom to sepa- 
 rate the men from the women. A clergyman being 
 interrupted by loud talking, stopped short ; vhen a 
 woman, eager for the honour of her sex, arose and 
 said, " Your reverence, the noise is not among us." 
 " So much the better — it will the sooner be over," 
 answered the priest. 
 
 A nice distiction, 
 '• Before I begin to drink, my business is over for 
 the day," said a tradesman to his friend. " Quite 
 the reverse is the case with me," rejoined the other; 
 " for my business is over for the day when I begin to 
 drink." 
 
 Orthography and Punctuation, 
 The husband of a pious woman having occasion to 
 make a voyage, his wife sent a written request to the 
 parson of the parish; but instead of spelling and 
 pointing it properly, viz. " A person having gone 
 to sea, his wnfe desires the pravers of the congrega- 
 tion," shp spelled and pointed it as follows: — "A 
 person, having gone to see his vcife, desirf^s the pray- 
 ers of the congregation." The clergvman, who haH 
 not examined the contents of the paper, gave it out 
 accordingly.
 
 68 MARCH OF INTELLKCT, 
 
 Let them gnash that have teeth. 
 The clergyman of a village a few miles south from 
 Edinburgh (which is almost entirely surrounded by 
 colliers), being one day engaged in examining his 
 parishioners on the principles of the Christian reli- 
 gion, and finding them extremely deficient in their 
 knowledge of these divine truths, felt it his duty to 
 display in pretty strong terms the punishment that 
 awaited the wicked in a future world ; observing 
 that they " would be cast into a place of utter dark- 
 ness, where there would be weeping, and wailing, 
 and gnashing of teeth." " Let them gnash that have 
 teeth," cries an old woman from a corner of the 
 church, "for my part I have had none tliese thirty 
 years." 
 
 March of intellect. 
 Inconsequence of the numerous informations that 
 are daily exhibited against shopkeepers for allowing 
 table beer to be drank on their premises, a shop- 
 keeper on Bankside has made the following an- 
 nouncement to the public by a bill which is to be 
 seen in his window ; — " No Tabel Bear To be drinkt 
 on Tlieas Hear Premmesses." 
 
 Epitaph on a Sailor. 
 Beneath this briar- invested grave. 
 Repose the limbs of Jack the Brave ; 
 Who many a can of liquor quaflTd, 
 Before he launoh'd his brittle raft ; 
 And many an adverse tempest bore. 
 Ere yet he reach'd the farther shore. 
 But now no more he shifts the sail, 
 To strive with fortune's fickle gale; 
 Nor gold, nor flip, invite his soul. 
 To pass the line, or reach tne pole; 
 For, moor'd in Death's calm, tranquil bay, 
 He peaceful sleeps till the judgment day.
 
 PUSTIC LOGIC. «» 
 
 One quiet night. 
 
 A. man whofe wife had for some time been indis- 
 posed, going home one evening vras informed by the 
 servant that s vas dead. " ^Vell," said the hus- 
 band, I am going CO the club — send for me if 1 
 should be wanted." In about two hours he return- 
 ed, and was going to bed as usual; when the maid 
 cried out — " Lord, sir, don't go there — I have made 
 abed for you in the other chamber." " Yes, but I 
 will, Betty — I never yet had a peaceable day with 
 her, and I am determined to have one quiet night be- 
 fore we part." 
 
 Rustic logic. 
 A patriotic candidate applied to a yeoman of a 
 certain county for his vote, promising to exert his 
 influence to turn out the ministry, and procure a 
 fresh set. "Then I won't vote for you," cried the 
 farmer. " Why not ?" said the patriot. "I thought 
 you was a friend to your country." " So I am," re- 
 plied the yeoman ; " and for that reason I am not 
 for a change in the ministry. I know well enough 
 how it is with my hogs; when 1 buy them in lean 
 they eat the devil and all, but when they have once 
 got a little fat the keeping of them is not near so ex- 
 pensive ; so that I am for keeping the present set, 
 as they will devour much less than a new one." 
 
 The Humble Petiticn cftlie discarded letter H. 
 
 Shewech — That many ladies and gentlemen, and 
 likewise other persons of diifererent occupations, 
 trades, characters, and dispositions, to whom h used 
 to have free access, have no either totally forsaken 
 him, or associated him with a company of strange::?, 
 among whom he cuts a most ridicnlous figure. 
 
 A young lady, to the great mortification of A, was 
 observingthe other day th&t ills made a prettj ccn-
 
 TO PETITION OF THE LETTER H. 
 
 trastwith the vallies below, that the oitscswere prc- 
 tily interspersed among the woods, and that she was 
 fond of earing fhe hvwls in the evenings. She ad- 
 mires the arbour of Portsmouth — she is fond of riding 
 on orseback, and is constantly shooting harrows at 
 Susceptible arts. In the middle of summer she 
 drinks hale at her meals, and heats hartichokes vrith- 
 out receiving any arm from them. She ates ot wea- 
 ther, but likes a clear eaven ; and yet I assure you 
 she is a very hamiable young lady ; she as a fine air, 
 sweet heyes, quick hears, delicate harms, and a good 
 eart. 
 
 The clerk of a certain parish at the conclusion of 
 every prayer, takes in vain the name of the exalted 
 JJarnan instead of saying amen; while the clergy- 
 man cries — " Oly, oly, oly. Lord God oi Sabbahcth !" 
 And the clerk proceeds to say — " Eaven and hearth 
 are full," &c. Hell, with these people, loses all its 
 harshness, and becomes ell. This reminds me of a 
 story I once heard of a clergyman : who having an 
 impediment in his speech, used to add an h after s ; 
 and actually read — "O lord, shoxe the king '" while 
 the clerk, either out of complaisance or through the 
 force of example, went on — " 4nd mercifnlly s'lear 
 us when we call upon thee." This I mention in or- 
 der to show the truth of the proverb, that " mocking 
 is catching." as well as the ridiculousness of such 
 pronunciation. " A ansome usband, eal^h and appi- 
 ness, ere and er e after 1" was a ladv's wish the other 
 night; and this morning meeting a gentleman 
 lightly drest, she observed to him that he was very 
 hairy ; and he in return observed — stretching out his 
 arms and yawning — that the ours ung very earyon his 
 ands. In short, poor h is so frequently abused by 
 people of all denominations that he is obliged in this 
 public manner, most humbly to beg better usage for 
 the future ; and to remind those who wantonly in- 
 jure him, that tl ey cannot be appy without him.
 
 A wife's reasons for eloping. 71 
 
 He also liopes that this will be taken proper notice 
 of by all those who hare heretofore neglected him, 
 and that they will make the greatest recompence in 
 their power by taking into their suit the disconso- 
 late H. 
 
 A Wife's reason for eloping. 
 A person named George Perkins, of Biddeford 
 (United States), cautioned the public by advertise- 
 ment not to give credit to his wife, who had left his 
 bed and board, and refused to perform the marriage 
 covenant. To which the wife replied by advertise- 
 ment, in these lines; — 
 
 " When George would whip me night and day, 
 
 (If it wa'n't for that, I shouldn't) — 
 I took my bed and went away — 
 
 And pray who's there that wouldn't ?" 
 
 Kien Long, Emperor of China. 
 
 Sir George Staunton used to relate a characteristic 
 anecdote of this emperor. He enquired of Sir George 
 the manner in which physicians were paid in Eng- 
 land. When his majesty was made to comprehend 
 what the practice was, he exclaimed " Can any man 
 in England aff(rd to be ill? Now I will inform you 
 how I deal with my physicians. I have four, to 
 whom the care of my health is committed, and a 
 certain weekly salary is allowed to them ; but the 
 moment I am ill, that salary is stopped till I am well 
 again. I need not inform yon that my illness is ne- 
 ver of any long continuance." 
 
 The Boatswain^ s red nose. 
 
 In a great storm at eea, when the ship's crew were 
 all at prayers, a boy burst into a violent fit of laugh- 
 ter. Being reproved for his ill-timed mirth, and 
 asked the reason of it, he said — " Why 1 was laugh-
 
 *i2 A THOUGHTFUL HUSBAND, 
 
 ing to think what a hissing the boatswain s red nosa 
 will make when it comes into the water." This lu- 
 dicrous remark set the crew a laughing, inspired 
 them with new spirits, and by a great exertion thay 
 brought the vessel safe into port. 
 
 A thoughtful husband. 
 
 A domestic informed his master that the house 
 was on fire " Tell your mistress of it, for I do not 
 meddle with household affairs," said he. 
 
 A sheepish Lamb. 
 Counsellor Lamb (an old man, at the time the late 
 Lord Erskine was in the height of his reputation) 
 was a man of timid manners and nervous disposition, 
 and usually prefaced his pleadings with an apology 
 to that effect ; and on one occasion, when opposed to 
 Erskine, he happened to remark that " he felt him- 
 self growing more and more timed as he grew 
 older.'' " No wonder," replied the witty but relent- 
 less barrister, " every one knows the older a lamb 
 grows the more slieepish he becomes." 
 
 A virago. 
 
 In prime of life Tom lost his wife — 
 Says Dick, to soothe his pain — 
 
 " Thy wife, I trow, is long ere now, 
 In Abraham's bosom lain." 
 
 " His fate forlorn, with grief I moxirn," 
 
 The shrewd dissembler cries : 
 " For much I fear, by this sad tear, 
 
 She'll scratch out Abraham's eyes." 
 
 A plea, 
 
 Ai the late assizes aculpritpleadedthus — "Guilty 
 — oi'.r I am not tlieone."
 
 AN ODD ADVENTLRE. IS 
 
 An odd adventure. 
 An Archbishop of Canterbury, making a tour into 
 the countrj, stopped at an inn for refreshment. 
 Being at a window, he observed at a distance, in a 
 Bolitary wood, a well-dressed man alone, talking, and 
 acting a kind of part. 
 
 The prelate's curiosity was excited to know what 
 the stranger was about, and accordingly sent some 
 of his servants to observe him, and hear what he was 
 rehearsing, but they bringing him back an answer no 
 way satisfactory, his grace resolved to go himself. 
 He accordingly repaired to the wood, ordering his 
 attendants to keep at a distance. 
 
 He addressed the stranger very politely, and was 
 answered with the same civility. A conversation 
 having been once entered into, though not without 
 interruptions by an occasional soliloquy, his grace 
 asked what he was about ? "I am at play " he re- 
 plied. "At play!" said the prelate, "and with 
 whom ? You are all alone." " I own, sir, you do 
 not perceive my antagonist ; but I am playing with 
 God." " Playing with God!" (hislordship thinking 
 the man out of his mind) " this is a very extraordi- 
 nary party: and pray at what game, sir, are you 
 playing?" "At chess, sir." The archbishop 
 smiled; but the man seeming peaceable, he was 
 willing to amuse himself with a few more questions. 
 " And do you play for anything, sir ?" " Certainly." 
 " You cannot have any great chance, as your adv'er- 
 sarv must be so superior to you." " He does not 
 take any advantage, but plays merely like a man." 
 " Pray, sir, when you win or lose, how do you settle 
 youraccounts?" "Very exactly and punctually, I 
 promise you." " Indeed ! pray how stands your 
 game ?" Tie stranger, after muttering something to 
 himself, said "I have just lost it." " And how 
 much have you lost ?" " Fifty guineas." " That is 
 a great sum — how do you intend paying it 1 Doeb
 
 74 AN ODD ADVENTURE. 
 
 GotT take your money ?" " No ; the poor are hia 
 treasurers; he always sends some worthy person to 
 receive the debt, and you are at present the purse- 
 bearer." Saying this, he pulled out his purse, aod 
 reckoning fifty guineas, put them into his grace's 
 hand, and retired, saying he should play no more 
 that day. 
 
 The prelate was quite fascinated ; he did not know 
 what to make of this extraordinary adventure: he 
 viewed the money, found all the guineas good, re- 
 called what had passed, and began to think there 
 must be something more in this man than he had 
 discovered. However, he continued his journey, 
 and applied the money to the use of the poor, as had 
 been directed. 
 
 Upon his return he stopped at the same inn ; and 
 perceiving the same person again in the wood, in 
 his former situation, he resolved to have a little far- 
 ther conversation with him, and went alone to the 
 spot where he was. 
 
 The stranger was a comely man, and the prelate 
 could not help viewing him with a kind of religious 
 veneration, thinking that he was inspired to do good 
 in this uncommon manner. 
 
 The prelate accosted hmi as an old acquaintance, 
 and familiarly asked him how the chance had stood 
 since they had first met. " Sometimes for me, and 
 sometimes against me — I have both lost and won." 
 " And are you at play now ?" " Yes, sir ; we have 
 played several games to-day." " And who wins ?" 
 " Why, sir, at present the advantage is on my side — 
 the game is just over; I have a fine stroke — check 
 mate, there it is." " And pray, sir, how much have 
 you won?" " Five hundred guineas." " That is a 
 handsome sum — but how are yovi to be paid ?" ** I 
 pay and receive in the like manner. He always 
 sends me some good rich man when 1 win — and you, 
 my lord, are the person. God is remarkably punc- 
 tual upon these occasions."
 
 LEFT HANDFD. 75 
 
 The archbishop had received a considerable sum 
 that very day — the stranger knew it, and producing 
 a pistol by way of receipt, the prelate found himself 
 uncer the necessity of giving up his cash ; and by 
 this time discovered the divine inspired gamester to 
 be neither more nor less than a thief. 
 
 His l^r^^hin ha-i, in the course of his journey, 
 related the first part of this adventure, but the latter 
 part he very prudently took great pains to conceal. 
 
 Ijeft-handed. 
 An ignorant matron who could not read, when told 
 by her clergyman that her bible before her was up- 
 side down, replied " Sir, I am left-handed." 
 
 First come first served. 
 A fellow having been adjudged, on a conviction of 
 perjury to lose his ears, when the executioner came 
 to put the sentence of the law in force, he found 
 that he had been already cropped. The hangman 
 seemed a little surprised. " U hat," said the crimi- 
 nal, with all the sang froid imaginable, " am I com- 
 pelled to furnish you with ears every time you are 
 pleased to crop me ?" 
 
 Hohson's cross. 
 One Sunday morn — it happen'dso — 
 Old Hobson to the church would go; 
 Not out of pure devotion led, 
 But just as it came in his head : 
 Sat very still, nor pleas'd nor vo.xt, 
 The parson thus began his text. 
 " The word of God, as I'll rehearse. 
 In Matthew the sixteenth, and verse 
 The t'veniy-tcuith, as you will see- 
 Take up your cross, and follow me." 
 These words, thus spoke, old Hobson pleaa'd. 
 To think how soon he would get eas'd
 
 76 THE sailor's wish. : 
 
 ' Of his CV0S9, noisy, scoldino; wife, 
 The greatest plague of human life. 
 The sermon o'er straight home he went, 
 And told his wife his whole intent ; 
 How the parson (Heaven save him) 
 Would now from all his cares relieve him. 
 Thus said, he took her on his back, 
 Just as a pedlar does his pack; 
 Follow'd the parson to his house. 
 There joyfully flung down his spouse ; 
 Crying — " Take her — she's a noisy quean '" 
 The parson, in surprise, I ween. 
 Said — " Friend, I don't know what you mean." 
 " Sir, in your text, did you not say. 
 Take up your cross and follow me ? 
 So I have brought you here my wife, 
 Who is my greatest cross in life : 
 And the only one I have (God save her !) 
 So here, by Jupiter, I'll leave her !" 
 
 Row to be hei ore-hand in the worla 
 
 Addison was in the habit of keeping one h^and be- • 
 hind him, and upon being asked the reason, said — 
 "he always wished to be before-hand in the world." 
 
 Tlie <Sai7or's vdsh. 
 
 When the British ships under Lord Nelson were 
 bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Tra- 
 falgar, the first lieutenant of the Revenge, on going 
 round to see that all hands were at quarters, ob- 
 served one of the men devoutly kneeling at the side 
 of his gun. So very unusual an attitude in an En- 
 glish sailor exciting his surprise and curiosity, he 
 went and asked the man if he was afraid. " Afrfiid !" 
 answered the honest tar, with a countenance expre s- 
 sive of the utmost disdain — " no ; I was only pray- 
 ing that the" enemy's shot may be distributed in the
 
 THE HONEST CONFESSTOX. 77 
 
 same proportion as the prize money — the greatest 
 part among the oflBcers." 
 
 Tlie Honest Confession. 
 It happen'd, in a healthful year, 
 (Which made provision very dear, 
 
 And physic mighty cheap ;) 
 A doctor, sere oppress'd with want, 
 On business turning out so scant, 
 
 Was one day seen to weep. 
 A ei?hbour ask'd him why so sad. 
 And hoped no dangerous illness had 
 
 To any friend befel. 
 "O Lord ! you quite mistake the case, 
 (Quoth Blister) — Sir, this rueful face 
 
 is — 'cause my friends are well." 
 
 Jtistice Bundle^ 8 Charge to the Grand Jury. 
 All laws are laws, and every law is a law, and laws 
 are things made bv the lawyers to make men live 
 according to law, without any respect to the gospel ; 
 for that is another affair, and to be considered at 
 another opportunity, and by, another sort of men, 
 and in another manner. — Vide Coke 7ipon Littleton, 
 chap. X. p. 15 But as to the law. Now there are 
 some men that are good men, and some men that 
 are bad men; and the bad men are not the good 
 men, and the good men are not the bad men ; but 
 the bad men and the good men, and the^ good men 
 and the bad men are two different sorts of m.en — 
 and this we gather from Magna Charta. an old man 
 that lived in the reign of King John the Great. 
 Now if all men ^vere good men, there would be no 
 need of law; therefore, ergo, the laws were made 
 for the bad men, and the good men have no business 
 therewith, nor no advantage to receive therefrom. 
 Ergo, therefore those that receive advantage from 
 the law must be bad men and so, .gentlemen, call 
 D 2
 
 78 RAKE3. 
 
 up the prisoners, and dispatch them as soon as pos- 
 sible, for 1 must go out of town to-morrow. 
 
 Rakes. 
 A captain of a vessel loading coals, went into his 
 merchant's counting house, and requested the loan 
 of a rake. The merchant looking towards his clerks, 
 replied, " There are a number of them here, but 
 none who wish to be hauled over the coals." 
 
 Gang up like a man. 
 During the reign of the feudal system amongst 
 the highlanders. the Laird of Grant had condemned 
 one of his vassals to be hanged. U'hen Donald 
 came to the gallows, accompanied by Janet, his 
 faithful wife, he seemed very reluctant to mount the 
 ladder, and stood a long time below the fatal tree, 
 shrugging his shoulders. " Hoot awa, Donald," 
 said Janet, clapping her dear spouse's cheek. " gang 
 up like a man, and please the laird." Donald could 
 not resist such a powerful motive to obedience. 
 
 A trying answer, 
 
 Frederick of Prussia, at a review of his tall grena- 
 diers, asked Sir Robert Sutton, the British ambassa- 
 dor, if he could name an equal number of English- 
 men who could beat them. ■' No," answered Sir Ro- 
 bert, " I won't pretend to say that : but I believe 
 half the number would try." 
 
 Sure to he found out. 
 A young woman of Dublin, apprehensive of some 
 unhappy effects from an illicit amour which she had 
 for some time carried on with a Dutch sailor, men- 
 tioned her situation to a friend, wiio advised her to 
 place her future offspring to her young master, as 
 being the richer man of the two. " I was thinking
 
 ATTEND TO ONE THING AT A TIME. 70 
 
 of tTiat," replied the fair one, " but then you kno\7 
 the child will be sure to discover all when it be^^ins 
 to speak Dutch !" 
 
 Attend to one thing at a time. 
 "Hold your tongue," said a Frenchman, " you 
 talk so much, I cannot taste my meat." " Silence !'' 
 said a child to his mamma at a pantomime; "do 
 you not see harlaquin is going to jump over the 
 clown's head ?" It was a ^reat vanity in Csesar to 
 pretend to dictate accurately to three spcr^taries at 
 the same time. The reply of the celebrated pension- 
 ary de Witt was much more judicious. On being 
 asked how he contrived to transact a multiplicity of 
 business in the course of the day without neglect or 
 disorder, he answered, " 1 make it a rule always to 
 attend to one thing at a time." 
 
 How are you now, sir ? 
 
 The celebrated George Selwyn, travelling in a 
 stage coach, was interrupted by the frequpnt imper- 
 tinence of a companion, who was constantly teasing 
 him with questions, and asking him how he did. 
 '• How are you now, sir 2" said the impertinent. 
 George, in orHer to get rid of his importunity, re- 
 plied, " Very well ; and I intend to continue so all 
 the rest of the journey." 
 
 Worse than bad. 
 " Mv wife's so very bad," quoth Will, 
 
 " [ f ar she ne'er can hold it: 
 She keeps her bed!" " Mine's worse," cried Phil ; 
 
 " The jade has just now sold it l'"* 
 
 The Friar at sea. 
 A friat who was going to sea, was told not to \*9 
 afraid iu a tempest as long as the sailors swore and
 
 80 A GOOD DRESSING. 
 
 blasphemed, but as soon as they began to embrace, 
 ask pardon, and take a last farewell of each other, lie 
 might then with reason tremble. The friar had not 
 been long at sea before a storm came on ; and, as he 
 was very fearful, he kept sending a novice of his or- 
 her, from time to time upon deck, to listen to the 
 discourse of the sailors. At first they only talked 
 loader than ordinary, but at last they broke out into 
 their usual oaths. "Oh, lord!" said the novice, 
 " we must all perish, father — these wretches are 
 cursing and blaspheming — it would make you shud- 
 der to hear them." " God be praised!" said the 
 friar; " God be praised, we are safe enough; I hope 
 they will continue to blaspheme!" 
 
 A good dressing. 
 A. consequential gentleman threatening to give a 
 poor fellow a good dressing, the man replied, " I am 
 much obliged to your honour; but as you are a gen- 
 tleman, you ought to be the best dressed ; and, if 
 you please, I will undertake you shall be so." 
 
 Glorious uncertainty of the law. 
 
 The glorious uncertainty of the law extends itself 
 over every state where any regulated code exists. 
 Ingenuity of counsel in the explanation of periods 
 and interpretation of meanings, is exercised with as 
 much success in the court of our Gallic neighbours, 
 as in those of our own country. 
 
 Some time before the abolition of the Jesuits, a 
 gentleman of Paris died, and left all his his estate 
 from an only son then abroad, to that body of reli- 
 gious men, on condition that on his return the wor- 
 thy fathers should give him la partie qui leur plai- 
 roit — " whatever they should choose " 
 
 When the son came home he went to the convent, 
 and received but a very small share indeed — the wise 
 •ons of Loyola choosing to keep the greatest part to
 
 REPAID WITH INTEREST. 81, 
 
 themselves. The young gentleman consulted hia 
 friends, and all agreed that he was without remedy. 
 
 At last a barrister, to whom he happened to men- 
 tion his case, advised him to sue the convent^ and 
 promised to gain him his cause. The gentleman 
 followed his advice, and the suit terminated in his 
 favour through the management of the advocate, 
 who grounded his plea on this reasoning. " The. 
 testator has left his son tliat share of the estate 
 which the fathers should choose — la partie qui leur 
 plairoit, are the express words of the will. Now it 
 is plain what part they have chosen, by what they 
 keep to themselves. My client stands on the words 
 of the will. Let him have the part they have clwse, 
 and I am satisfied." It was accordingly awarded to 
 him without hesitation. 
 
 Repaid with interest. 
 
 A gentleman happening to have high words with 
 a butcher in Newgate market, was at last so pro- 
 voked that he raised his cane, and threatened to griv 
 him a dressing. " No, master," said his antagonist, 
 " it shall only be lent, and I will take care it shall be 
 paid with interest." 
 
 Most excellent judges. 
 
 " The theatre at Sydney appears to be in a flou- 
 rishing state," said a gentleman to a popular trage- 
 dian, speaking of the Botany Bay theatricals, an ac- 
 count of which appeared in the newspapers some 
 time since. " Yes," replied the tragedian, " the 
 performers ought to be all good, for they have been 
 selected, and sent to that situation by very excel- 
 lt:nt judges." 
 
 A Mss. 
 Gaffer Grub, full of care, a good trade for hia toa 
 To provide, sent him up to a farrier iu town ;
 
 82 THE HISS. 
 
 But the boy was so awkward at handling his tools, 
 That he spoilt all the iron and wasted the coals. 
 One morning his father call'd on him and said — 
 " Well, Johnny, and how go you on in your trade ? 
 Can you make a horseshoe yet ?" "Aye, sure, if you 
 
 doubt it, 
 Yon shaM see in a moment." So John went about it. 
 He heated the iron and hammer'd it o'er, 
 And turn'd it, and cut it, and sweated, and swore: 
 Tried this way and that way, but all would not do — 
 The devil a likeness was there of a shoe. 
 " Plague on it," says Jack, " this would make a man 
 
 mad ! 
 The coals are mere rubbish — worse cannot be had — 
 The bellows want mending — the anvil s too high — 
 And the head of the hammer is set all awry. 
 The iron's quite spoilt for a horseshoe — but yet 
 A hobnail out of it I'm sure I can get." 
 Soto it he goes — beats and hammers again, 
 To bring forth a hobnail — but all was in vain. 
 " With such cursed tongs,' ' quoth our Johnny, " 'tis 
 
 past 
 The skill of a farrier to hold a nail fast. 
 Howe er I'm resolved to make something of this — 
 If it won't make a hobnail, it shall make a hiss." 
 " A hiss I pray what's that?" " You shall quickly 
 
 see what." 
 The untractableiron he once more makes hot, 
 Ard flinging it into the water, it made 
 J^ Iiiss as it sunk. Gaffer Grub shook his head : 
 •♦ Ah, ah Johnny," said he, " 1 perceive, before 
 
 George, 
 That noddle of thine will ne'er do for a forge." 
 
 I^ew reason for giving good measure. ' 
 A sore-footed pedestrian travelling in Ireland, 
 met a man, and asked him rather gruffly, why the 
 mii«« were so plaguy long ? The Hibernian replied
 
 A CURIOUS LETTER. 83 
 
 ' — '• You see, yer honour, the roads are not in good 
 condition, so we give very good measure.'' 
 
 A curious Letter from an Irish Gentlewoman to her Son 
 in London. 
 
 My dear Child— I thought it my incumbint 
 duty to lit you J<:now that your only living sister, 
 Bridget Mac Frame, has been violently ill of a fit of 
 sickness, and is dead; therefore we have small or no 
 hopos of her gitting bitter. Your dear modthercon- 
 Btantly and fervently prayed for a long and speedy 
 recovery. 
 
 I am sorry to acquaint you that your godfather 
 Patrick O'Connor is also dead. His dith was occa- 
 sioned by ateing rid hirrings stuffed wid paraties, or 
 paraties stuffed wid rid hirrings, I don't know which 
 ■ — and notwithstanding the surgeons attended him 
 for three weeks, he died suddenly for want of hilp 
 on the day of his dith. which was Sunday night last. 
 The great bulk of his estate comes to an only dead 
 child in the family. 
 
 I have sint you a Dublin canary bird, which I 
 have carefully put up in a rat trap, with some food in 
 a snuffbox, which will c^me free of all charges, only 
 paying the captain for the passage. 
 
 I have made a prisint of your sister's diamond 
 ring to Mr. O'Hara.the great small beer brewer, for 
 thrpe guineas; and we have taken the great corner 
 house that is burnt down, on areparing lase. 
 
 Pray sind me the news of the prosadings of the 
 House of Commons nixt week — for we hear they 
 have given us lave to import all our paraties to Eng- 
 land, which is great news indeed. 
 
 Write immadiatelv, and don't stay for the post. 
 Dirict for me nixt door to the Bible and Moon, in 
 Copper Alley, Dublin, for there we live now ; but 
 •we shall remove to-morrow into our new house. 
 Don't sind tome in a frank again ; for the last let- 
 ter that came free was charj^ed thirteen nince. 
 D 3
 
 84 I AM THE RESURRECTION. 
 
 I did not sale this litter, to previut it from being 
 broke open — therefore sind word if it miscarries. 
 Your cousin-in-law Thady O'Dogherty is gone foi 
 a licht horseman among the marines. 
 
 So no more at prisent from your dutiful and illi- 
 gant modther. Carrnayl Mac Frame. 
 
 I am the resurrection. 
 A vicar and curate of a village, where there was to 
 be a burial, were at variance. The vicar not coming 
 in time, the curate began the service, and was read- 
 ing the words, " I am the resurrection," when the 
 vicar arrived almost out of breath, and snatching 
 the book out of the curate's hands, with great scorn 
 cried — '^ You the resurrection! I am the resurrec- 
 tion," and then went on. 
 
 An impioris wish. 
 A clergyman in America, boasting how well he 
 had instructed some Indians in the principles of re- 
 ligion, called up one of them, and after some ques- 
 tions asked him if he had not found great comfort 
 last Sunday after receiving the sacrament. " Yes, 
 massa," replied the savage, " but him wish it had 
 been brandy." 
 
 A curious laconic Sert^cm. 
 In a certain principality, where the labourers in 
 the spiritual vineyard are often obliged to fiddle as 
 well as to pray, for the necessary support of them- 
 selves and their families, about half a centurv ago 
 lived an honest and ingenious man of the sacred 
 profession ; who having a great deal of duty to per- 
 form — for which, however, he received a very inade- 
 quate Ticoinpence, was often necessitated to cut his 
 sermon very short, leaving his hearers to meditate on 
 what he meant to advance in confirmation of his po- 
 sitions.
 
 LACONIC SERMON. 65 
 
 One Sunday 'n particnlar, beinp enoracred in the af- 
 tcrtioon to piay several airs on the Welsh harp — on 
 which instrument, as well as on the violin, he was £ 
 very excellent performer — he delivered the follow- 
 ing incomparable sermon to his different parishion- 
 ers; which, for brevity, method, point, and moral, 
 we recommend to the attentive perusal of every sin- 
 cere christian throughout her majesty's extensive 
 dominions. 
 
 Job, chapter i, verse 21. 
 
 " Nakvjd came I out of my mother's womb, and 
 naked shall I return thither." 
 
 In discoursing from these words, 1 shall observe 
 the three following things : — 
 
 First — Man's ingress into the world ; 
 
 Secondly — His progress through the world; 
 
 Thirdly — His egress out of the world. 
 To return 
 
 First — Man's ingress into the world is naked and 
 bare. 
 
 Second — His progress through the v/orld id trou- 
 ble and care ; 
 
 Third — His egress out of the world is nobody 
 knows where. 
 
 To conclude 
 
 If we do well here, we shall he well th^re ; 
 
 And I could tell you no more weie I to preach a 
 whole year ! 
 
 A Popish miracle. 
 
 When Naples was once closely besieged, the vice- 
 i*y issued a severe order that no man, above or un- 
 der such an a^e, should appear in the streets with- 
 out a sword, on pain of death. 
 
 That he miglit be sure this order was strictly 
 obeyed, he and his officers rode up and down the 
 city to see that none offended, and in his progress 
 he perceived a gentleman without a 3word; who
 
 «0 A POPISH MIRACLE. 
 
 teing brought before him, was immediately con- 
 demned to he hanged on the next sign-post. 
 
 The gentleman pleaded hard for his life, but to no 
 purpose. He then entreated the viceroy that he 
 might not suffer so ignominious a death, but die like 
 a gentleman as he was ; humbly desiring that the 
 next gentleman who came by with a sword might 
 run him through the body. 
 
 After some hesitation, this being granted, pre- 
 sently comes along one who had just come from a 
 gaming house, where he had lost all, even theveiy 
 blade of his sword, and durst not go home till he got 
 awooden one fitted to the hilt and scabbard. Being 
 now stopped, he was told the case, and what he was 
 appointed to do: but, conscious of his own insuffici- 
 ency to execute the business, he was so confounded 
 that he scarce knew what to say. " What ! make a 
 common executioner of me — what, stain my blood to 
 eternity 1" said he. with a variety of similar expres- 
 sions. But all proving fruitless, he prepared him- 
 self for the work; and kneeling down, prayed — " O 
 God of Heaven, if this man ought not to die, conver 
 this my faithful sword into wood " Then plucking 
 it out, and it appearing plainly to be a wooden wea- 
 pon, tlie condemned gentleman was immediately 
 released with abundance of joy, and the sword was 
 carried with great solemnity to the cathedral 
 church, where if was hung up as a true link to the 
 chain of Popish miracles. 
 
 An Iriishman's reply. 
 
 A very affecting sermon being preached in a vil- 
 lage church, all the congregation were in tears ex- 
 cept one man, an Irishman, who being asked the 
 cause of his apathy and indifference, replied, " By 
 the powers! what is i« to me? I don't belong to 
 your pariiih!"
 
 THE REVENGE. 87 
 
 Fed on credit. 
 
 An officer of a disbanded regiment spplyip^ to his 
 agent for his arrears, told him that he ^as in the 
 most extreme want, and on the point of dying with 
 hunger. The agent seeing him of a jovial and 
 ruddy aspect, replied that his countenance belied 
 his complaint. " Good sir," replied the officer — 
 " do not mistake; the visage you see is not mine, 
 but my landlady's — for she has fed me on credit thess 
 two J ears." 
 
 The revenge. 
 Two Irishmen finding a large cask that was cast 
 ashore from the wreck of a ship, and naturally think- 
 ing it contained whiskey, but which in reality con- 
 tained gunpowder, were greatly puzzled how to get 
 at the enviable treasure. At length it was resolved 
 to vise a red hot piece of iron for that purpose. As 
 might be expected, the one who bored the cask was 
 thrown aloft into the air by the explosion of the 
 powder. The other, seeing his companion flying in 
 the air, as he thought with a cask of whiskey, shout- 
 ed out — •' By Jasus, Pat, if you don't come down 
 and give me a regular share, I'll inform the excise- 
 man." 
 
 Curioiis Letter, stnt by a Quaker to his Watchmaker. 
 
 I send thee once more my erroneous watch, which 
 wants thy speedy care and correction. Since he was 
 last at thy school, I find by experience he is not be- 
 ne-fitted by thy instructions Thou demandest for 
 thy labour the fifth part of a pound sterling, which 
 thou shalt have — but let thy honest endeavours first 
 earn it, 
 
 I will board him with thee a little longer, and pay 
 for his table if thou requirest it. Let ihy whole eu 
 deavours and observations be upon him, for he Lm
 
 0» WONDERFUL tCHO, 
 
 mightily deviated from the truth. 1 am afraid he is 
 ifoui in the inward man — that is, his springs. Prove 
 and try him well -with the adjusting tools of truth, 
 that, if possible, he may be drawn from the error of 
 his ways. By the index of his tongue he is a liar, 
 and the motion of his body is ever variable and un- 
 certain. His body is foul, therefore brush him well 
 with thy cleansing instruments from all pollutions, 
 that he may vibrate with regularity and truth. Ad- 
 monish him friendly with patience, and be not too 
 hasty and rash in thy correction, lest, by endeavour- 
 ing to reduce him from one error, thou shouldest 
 fling him headlong into another; for, as he is young, 
 and of a malleable temper, he may with due correc- 
 tion be brought into the path of truth. 
 
 In fine, let him visit often the motion of the sun, 
 and regulate him by his table of equation ; and when 
 thou findest them agree, send him home with thy 
 bill of moderation, to thy friend, 
 
 ObadiahGosure. 
 
 A wonderful echo. 
 When Paddy Blake heard an English gentleman 
 speaking of the fine echo at the lake of Killarney, 
 which repeats the sound forty times, he very 
 promptly observed — "Faith, that's nothing at all to 
 the echo in my father's garden, in the county of 
 Galway : if you say to it, 'How do you do, Paddy 
 Blake V it will answer, • Pretty well, 1 thank you, 
 sir!'" 
 
 Groundless estate. 
 A gentleman meeting an old friend whom he had 
 not seen for a long time, congratulated him on 
 lately coming to the possession of a large landed es- 
 tate. " There was such a report," replied the other, 
 " but you may depend upon it, that it was quite 
 groutuliesa."
 
 A PARDONING REPLY. 89 
 
 A biter hit. 
 
 A miser having lost a hundred pounds, promised 
 en pounds reward to any one who should bring ft 
 to him. An honest poor man who found it, brought 
 it to the old gentleman, demanding the ten pounds. 
 The miser, tu baffle him, alleged there was a hundred 
 and ten pounds in the bag when lost. The poor man 
 was advised to sue for the money, and when the 
 cause came on to be tried, it appearing that the bag 
 had not been ripped, nor the seal broken, the judge 
 said to the defendant's counsel — " The bag you lost 
 had a hundred and ten pounds in it, you say?" 
 "Yes, my lord," says he. "Then," replied the 
 judge, " according to the evidence given in court, 
 this cannot be your money; for here were only a 
 hundred pounds — therefore the plaintiff must keep 
 it till the true owner appears." 
 
 A pardoning reply. 
 
 A Spanish general having taken a castle from the 
 Moors, commanded the soldiers, who had made a 
 orave defence, to leap from the battlements. Seve- 
 ral complied with this dreadful injunction, but one, 
 more fearful than the rest, advanced twice to the 
 verge of the precipice, and as often retreated. The 
 general then ordered him to jump directly, threaten- 
 ing, if he retreated a third time, to inflict a more se- 
 vere punishment. " Sir," replied the poor fellow, 
 " since you think this jump such an easy matter for 
 a soldier, I'll give you, who are a general, four times 
 to doit in." This reply procured the soldier a free 
 pardon. 
 
 Gravel. 
 
 A Quaker enquiring after the health of a certain 
 nobleman, was told that he was excessively afflicted 
 with the gravel. " 1 am glad of it," says the Qua
 
 90 CUSTOM OF RIDING THE BLACK RAM. 
 
 ker. "How !" cried the other — " glad that his lord- 
 ship is troubled with the gravel !" "I tell you, 
 friend, I am glad," replied the Quaker — " because I 
 hope, since he is so much gravelled, that he will en- 
 deavour to meiiclhisways." 
 
 Custom of Riding the Black Ram. 
 At East and West Enborne, in the county of 
 Berks, if a customary tenant die, the widow shall 
 have what the law calls her Free-Bench in all his 
 copyhold lands, dumsolaet castafuerit — that is, while 
 she lives single and chaste ; but if she commits in- 
 continency, she forfeits her estate : yet if she wiU 
 come into the court riding backward upon a black 
 ram, with his tail in her hand, the steward is bound 
 by the custom to re-admit her to her Free-Bench. 
 •' Here I am, 
 
 Riding upon a black ram, 
 Like a whore as I am : 
 And for my criucum crancum, 
 Have lost my bincum bancum ; 
 And, for my tail's game. 
 Have done this wordly shame — 
 Therefore, I pray you, Mr. Steward, 
 Let me have my land again." 
 After having informed you thnt my Lord Coke ob- 
 serves, that this is the most frail and slippery tenure 
 of any in England, 1 shall tell you. that I have been 
 at great pains in searching out the records of the 
 Black Ram; and have at last met with the proceed- 
 ings of the court baron, held in that behalf for the 
 space of a whole day. 
 
 The record saith, that a strict inquisition having 
 been made into the right of the tenants to their seve- 
 ral estates, by a crafty old steward, he found that 
 many of the manor lands were, by default of the se- 
 veral widows, forfeited to the lord, and accordingly 
 would have entered on the premises; upon which
 
 CUSTOM OF RIDING THE BLACK RAM. 91 
 
 the good women demanded the benefit of the Ram. 
 The steward, after having perused their several pleas, 
 adjourned the court to Barnaby-bright, that they 
 might have day enough before them. 
 
 The court being set. and filled with a great con- 
 course of people, who came from a'.l parts to see the 
 solemnity, the first who entered was the V.'idow 
 Frontly, who had made her ajjpearance in the last 
 year's cavalcade. The register observes that, finding 
 it an easy pad ram, and foreseeing she might have 
 further occasion for it, she purchased it of the stew- 
 ard. 
 
 Mrs. Sarah Dainty, rel'ct of Mr. John Daintv, (who 
 was the greatest prude in the parish) came next in 
 the procession. She at first made some difHcuity of 
 taking the tail in her hand ; and was observed, in 
 pronouncing the form of penance, to soften the two 
 most emphatical words into Clincum Clancum : but 
 the steward took care to make her speak plain Eng- 
 lish before he would let her have her land again. 
 
 The third widow that was brought to this worldly 
 shame, being mounted on a vicious ram, had the 
 n.isfortune to be thrown by him; upon which she 
 h( ped to be excused from going through the rest of 
 the ceremony: but the steward being well versed in 
 the law, observed very wi&ely upun this occasion, 
 that tliebreaking of the rope does not hindertiie ex- 
 ecution of the criminal. 
 
 The fourth lady upon record was the Widow Ogle, 
 a famous coquette, who hath kept half a score of 
 young fellows off and on for the space of two years; 
 but Laving been more kind to her carter John, she 
 was introduced with the huzzas of all her lovers 
 about her. 
 
 Mrs. Sable appearing in her weeds, which were 
 very new and fresh, and of the same colour of her 
 whimsical palfrey, made a very decent figure in the 
 •olemnity.
 
 92 CUSTOM OF RIDING THE BLACK RAM. 
 
 Another, who had been summoned to make her 
 appearance, was excused by the steward, as well 
 knowing in his heart that the good squire himself 
 had qualified her for the ram. 
 
 Mrs. Quick having nothing to object against the 
 indictment, plearied her belly. But it was remem- 
 bered that she had made the same excuse the year 
 before — upon which the steward observed, that she 
 might so contrive it as never to do the service of the 
 manor. 
 
 The Widow Fidget being cited into court, insisted 
 that she had done no more since the death of her 
 husband than what she used to do in his life-time — 
 and withal desired Mr. Steward to consider his own 
 wife's case, if he should chance to die before her. 
 
 The next in ord.^r was a dowager of very corpulent 
 make, who would have been excused as not finding 
 any ram that was able to carry her — upon which the 
 steward commuted her punishment, and ordered her 
 to make her entry upon a black ox. 
 
 The Widow Maskwell — a woman who had long 
 lived with a most unblemished character — having 
 turned off her old chambermaid in a pet, was by 
 that revengeful creature brought in upon the black 
 ram nine times in the same day. 
 
 Several widows of the peighbourhood being brought 
 upon their trial, shewea that they did not hold the 
 manor, and were discharged accordingly. 
 
 A pretty young creature came ambling in, with so 
 bewitching an air, that the steward was observed to 
 cast a sheep's eye upon her, and married her within 
 a month after the death of his wife. 
 
 N. B — Mrs. Touchwood appeared, according to 
 summons, but had nothing laid to her charge, haying 
 lived irreproachably since the decease of her hus- 
 band, who left her a widow in thesixty-ninth year cf 
 her ace.
 
 A CURIOUS BILL, 99' 
 
 A curious bill. 
 A tailor, who was on the verge of a jail, cf course 
 at his wit's end how to raise some money, took tp.e 
 only resource that was left to him — to cull out of his 
 bad or doubtful list of debts a few names to try the 
 experiment of the law upon. His attorney succeeded 
 in receiving all the debts, but not the whole of the 
 costs : of course the tailor was liable to make up the 
 deficiency which amounted to several pounds more 
 than the amount o f the debts collected. The lawyer 
 urged the poor fellow in a manner not to be misun- 
 derstood, and intimated, that if the balance was not 
 instantly paid the bill would be soon increased. Mr. 
 Snip pleaded his poverty and utter inability to pay. 
 his demand ; he, however, prevailed upon the attor- 
 ney to permit him to discharge his bill in the way nf 
 business. To this the lawyer consented, and the 
 knight of the thimble brought in the following bill 
 for a cloth suit — 
 
 £ s. d. 
 Taking instructions for a suit of clothes, 
 
 including top coat and gaiters. 
 Cutting out your top coat 
 The like for close-bodied coat . 
 Ditto waistcoat 
 Ditto gaiters 
 
 Waiting upon Mr. to lookout the clotnO 
 
 Not finding anv that would suit Mr. , 
 
 called upon another draper, where I suc- 
 ceeded ... 
 Paid porter for carrying the cloth . 
 Examining cloth, to see whether the dra- 
 per had sent it to order . .068 
 Giving particular instructions to journey- 
 man to make your large coat neatly, and 
 attending him . , . ,068 
 The like for your other coat . .068 
 Ditto waistcoat . , . .068 
 
 
 
 13 
 
 4 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 8 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 8 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 8 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 8 
 
 lO 
 
 6 
 
 8 
 
 
 
 13 
 
 4 
 
 
 
 1 
 
 6
 
 . 
 
 6 
 
 8 
 
 . 
 
 6 
 
 3 
 
 . 
 
 6 
 
 8 
 
 . I 
 
 13 
 
 4 
 
 . 1 
 
 6 
 
 8 
 
 
 1 
 
 
 
 . 1 
 
 1 
 
 
 
 . 
 
 13 
 
 4 
 
 94 TOO MODEST. 
 
 Ditto breeches 
 
 Ditto gaiters 
 
 Examinins them when finished . 
 
 Making your great coat . 
 
 Ditto close coat 
 
 Ditto waistcoat 
 
 Ditto breeches 
 
 Ditto gaiters 
 
 Taking your clothes, at three in the after- 
 noon, to your town house, but finding 
 you were gone to your country resi- 
 dence, you having finished your busi- 
 ness for the day — my journey to and fro, 
 6 miles . . . .110 
 
 The clothes not exactly fitting — brought 
 them back again, and altering 
 
 Paid for cloth, &c, . 
 
 Taking a receipt from the draper 
 
 . 
 
 13 
 
 4 
 
 . 7 
 
 19 
 
 6 
 
 , 
 
 3 
 
 t 
 
 23 
 
 
 
 S 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 8 
 
 £22 14 
 
 On the bill being delivered to the lawyer, we need 
 not add that he was surprised at the amount ; but his 
 acuteness perceiving the drift of the tailor, he pro- 
 posed a balancing of th 3 accounts without any ex- 
 change of monev ; to this his successful client ac- 
 ceded. They shook hands, and were afterwards on 
 the most friendly footing. 
 
 Too modest. 
 A humourous Scottish lawyer, who had often re- 
 ceived favours from the Duke of Bedford, called 
 upon his grace for the same purpose one morning, 
 before having shaved himself. The Duke, obser- 
 ving the roughness of his chin, askfd whv he had 
 not smoothed it by a tonsorial application .' " Be-
 
 LEGAL BAKFIIOUSE. 9.'} 
 
 cause," replied the lawyer, " I have a favour to ask 
 of vour grace, and I did not like to do it barefaced- 
 ly '' 
 
 Legal bakehouse. 
 A Scottish nobleman one dav visited a lawver at 
 his office, in u-hich at the time there was a blazing 
 
 fire, which led him to exclaim. " !Mr. , your office 
 
 is as hot as an oven." '• So it ought to be,' my lord 
 as it is here I make my bread.'" 
 
 Negro logic. 
 A black man passing alons Fleet Steeet, was asto- 
 nished at hearing a voice call out, *' How dye do, 
 Massa Mungo ? How d'ye do, Snowball ?" aud on 
 looking up, observed it proceeded from a parrot, in 
 a splendid gilt cage. " Aha, massa parrot," said 
 Blackee, " you great man here : you live in gold cage 
 now, but me know your fader bery well— he live in 
 bush." 
 
 CoumeVs opinion. 
 
 An eminent barrister had, some years ago, a case 
 sent to him for an opinion. The case stated was the 
 most preposterous and improbable that ever occurred 
 to the mind of man, and concluded by asking whe- 
 ther, under such crcumstances, an action would lie? 
 He took his pea and wrote — " Yes, if the witnesses 
 wilHjetoo, and not otherwise. 
 
 A qv.ery. 
 St. George, to save a maid, a dragon slew — 
 A gallant action, grant the thing were true : 
 Some say there are no dragons — nay, 'tis said 
 There's no St. George! Pray heaven there be a 
 maid!
 
 96 AUTHENTICATED ETYMOLOGIES, 
 
 A utlienticated Etymologies. 
 When the seamen on board the ship of Christopher 
 Columbus, after a series of fatigues, came in sight of 
 St. Salvador, they burst out into exuberant mirth and 
 Jollity. " The lads are in A-merry-key," cried the 
 commodore. America is now the name of half the 
 globe. 
 
 The famous Hannibal took his name from that of 
 his mother — one Hannah Belt, a poor Scotch garter 
 knitter at Carthage. 
 
 Dionysius Hallicarnasseus derives the word Me- 
 diterran-^an from this event. Two girls of Syracuse 
 used every morning to pour out the tea and other 
 slops from an upper window into the street. When- 
 ever, therefore, the neighbours heard the casement 
 of their window open, they would cry, " Maid or two 
 rain on !" The learned very well know how soon a 
 word is combined, and becomes general. 
 
 Antiquarians say, that an old negro at Cape Cod> 
 whenever his master required anything of him, would 
 exclaim, "Massa chuse it." Thence in time the 
 name of Massachusett. 
 
 The city of Albany was originally settled by 
 Scotch people. When strangers on their arrival 
 there asked how the new comers did, the answer 
 was " All bonny." The spelling we find a little al- 
 tered, but not the sound. 
 
 When Julius Caesar's army lay encamped at Ticoh- 
 deroga, near two thousaud years ago, the deserters 
 were commonly tied up upon a battery ram and flog- 
 ged. When any culprit was brought out, the com- 
 manding centurion would exclaim, " Tie on the 
 rogue !" The name, we see has worn well. 
 
 A fat landlady, who about the time of the flight of 
 Mahomet from Mecca, lived between New Orleans 
 and the Chicasaw cliff"s,was scarcely ever unfurnished
 
 A NEW READING. 97 
 
 with pigeon sea-pie, and thence got the name of Mrs. 
 Sea-pie. The enormous river Missisippi owes its 
 name to this fat landlady. 
 
 In the reign of Dermot O'Mullogh in the king- 
 dom of Connaught, about the beginning of the se- 
 cond century, a noisy fellow of the name of Pat 
 Riot, made himself very conspicuous. The word 
 Patriot tias come down to us perfect and unimpaired. 
 
 When Xebuchadnezzar took the tour of Asia, co- 
 ming to the Eastern part of it. he was one day asked 
 by the cook, "If his Imperial Majesty could relish a 
 chine of pork?" With a brow frowning dark as 
 Erebus, and in a voice of thunder, the monarch cried 
 — " Chine, ha I" The affrighted cook fled, and the 
 exclamation became the name of the first empire 
 upon the face of the earth. 
 
 A new reading. 
 
 A lout of a school-boy, conning his task, lately 
 happened upon the following verse in Ruth, chap- 
 ter si. : — 
 
 " And Boaz said unto her at m.eal time come thou 
 hither, and eat of the bread, and dip thy morselin 
 the vinecjar. And he reached her parched corn, and 
 she did eat, and was sufficed, and left." 
 
 Which verse our Tyro read literally thus . — 
 
 " And Boaz said unto her at meal time, come thoa 
 hither, and eat of the bread, and dip thy muzzle m 
 the vinegar. And he reached her patched corn, and 
 she did eat, and was suffocated and left." 
 
 This is certainly a new sequel to the beautiful 
 story of Ruth. 
 
 A compliment. 
 When Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member 
 for the University of Cambridge, about the year 1770, 
 he went round the senate to^thank those'who had
 
 yo SYNONYMY. 
 
 voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P 
 
 who was proverbial for having the largest and most 
 hideous physiognomy that ever eve beheld. Mr. 
 Yorke in thanking him, said " Sir, I have great rea- 
 son to be thankful to my friends in general, but 
 confess mvself under a particular obligation to you, 
 for the very remarkable countenance you have showa 
 me upon this occasion." 
 
 Sipionymy. 
 During a late examination, at Trinity College, 
 Cambridge, a graduate wishing to puzzle his tutor, 
 while reading the passage in Daniel — " At what 
 time ye h^ar the sound of cornet, flute, harp, sack- 
 but, dulcimer, and all kinds of music'' — enquired 
 what sort of instrument was the sackbut. " A bag- 
 pipe, to be sure," coolly answered the tutor. "How 
 so ?" said the querist. " Because," replied the 
 learned expositor, "bag is synonymous with sact, 
 and pipe with but ; therefore bagpipe and sackbut 
 must be one and the same instrument." 
 
 Opinions of three Celebrated Ladies on Matrimony. 
 
 Mrs. £. Montagu says, in her Letters — " I can de- 
 fine matrimonial happiness only, like wit, by nega- 
 tives 'Tis not kissing — that's too sweet ; 'tis not 
 scolding — that's too sour ; 'tis not raillery — that's 
 too bitter ; nor is it continual shuttlecock of reply — 
 for that's too tart. I hardly know how to season it 
 exactly to my taste, but I would not have it tart, nor 
 mawkishly sweet. I should not like to live entirely 
 on metheglin or verjuice." 
 
 " Could that kind of love," says Mrs, Thrale, '• be 
 kept alive through the marriage estate, which makes 
 the charm a single one, the sovereign good would no 
 longer be sought for — in the union of two faithful 
 lovers it would be found. But as this is impossible, 
 we must preserve it as long, and supply it as happily
 
 THE HOLIDAY. 99 
 
 " Hope not," says Madame de Maintenon to the 
 Princess of Savoy on the eve of her marriage with 
 the Duke of Bureundy, " for perfect happiness — 
 there is no such thins on earth. Be neither vexed 
 nor ashamed to depend on y^mrhusband ; let him be 
 your dearest friend, your only confidant ; hope not 
 for constant harmony in the marriage state. Hope 
 not for a full return of tenderness : men are tyrants, 
 who would be free themselves, and have us confined. 
 Pray God to keep you from jealousy. The affections 
 of a husband are never to be regained by complaints 
 or reproaches." 
 
 The hAiday, 
 Jack will not work, and Nell puts on her pinners— 
 The ancient saints make many modern sinners. 
 
 A ready reckoner . 
 When George Bidder, the calculating phenome- 
 non, was a very little bov. he made the tr.ur of Eng- 
 land with his father, displaying every where his as- 
 tonishing powers of combining and resolving num- 
 bers. Among several very ingenious and difficult 
 questions prepared purposely for him, an ignorant 
 pedagogue asked (without furnishing any data) "bow 
 many cows' tails would reach the moon ?" The boy 
 turned upon the enquirer an eye of considerable 
 archness, and answered instantly — " One, if it were 
 long enough." 
 
 A reasonable offer. 
 
 Tbe following advertisement was exhibited in the 
 window of a boot-maker in Tabernacle Square, Old 
 Street Road :— 
 
 " Wherea-4 some person or persons stole, on Fri- 
 day last, three boots from this shop ; such person ot 
 persons are respectfully informed l^at if they wili
 
 100 A TRUE PICTURE. 
 
 return the odd one, they shall be handsomely re- 
 warded. If not so disposed, be kind enough to send 
 word where the other boot may be forwarded, and its 
 shall be sent as a present, as one is of no use without 
 the other." 
 
 A true picture. 
 With folded hands and lifted eyes, 
 '• Have mercy, Heaven," the parson cries — 
 " And on our sun-burnt, thirsty plains, 
 Thy blessing send, in genial rains." 
 The sermon ended, and the prayers, 
 The parson to be gone prepares ; 
 When, with a look of brightened smiles — 
 " Thank Heaven, it rains !" cries Farmer Gilps. 
 "Rains .'"quoth the parson — " sure you joke! 
 Rain I heaven forbid ! I've got no cloak !" 
 
 Every tub on its own bottom. 
 A sailor passing by a cooper's shop, and seeing a 
 number of tubs piled above each other at the door, 
 began to kick and tumble them about the street. 
 The master coming out, and desiring to know the 
 reason of this strange proceeding-^" Damn it," re- 
 plied Jack, " why should not every tub stand upon 
 its own bottom ?" 
 
 Quite another thing. 
 A certain Pope being informed that some Jews 
 were desirous of the honour of an audience, said — 
 " Jews ! No. How can they expect to be admitted 
 who were the murderers of our dear Saviour." Hear- 
 ing, however, that they were much afflicted at his 
 refusal, havi ng brought a very valuable present for 
 his Holiness as a token of their respect, he cried, 
 with a seemingly careless air — " Well, well — :admit 
 them, poor uninformed, ignorant wretches — they 
 knew not what they were doing."
 
 AN EXECUTOR. 101 
 
 Tlie first in this loorU. 
 The Duke of Wellington giving orders one day 
 during his campaign, for a batallion to attempt a ra- 
 ther dangerous enterprise— the storming one of the 
 enemy's batteries at St. Sebastian — complimented 
 the officer by saying his regiment was the first in 
 this world. " Yes," replied the officer, leading on 
 his men, " and before your lordship's orders are fi- 
 nally executed, it will probably be the first in the 
 next world!" 
 
 An executor. 
 Jack Ketch being one day asked why he claimed 
 the clothes of thoss he hanged, answered — " as their 
 exectdor." 
 
 Lots of comforters. 
 An honest peasant settled in a small village, where 
 in a short time he gained the good wi'lofailhis 
 neighbours. He had, however, the misfortune to 
 lose one of his best milch cows in the first year, 
 which grieved him exceedingly — while his wife, who 
 was an excellent manager, took it to heart so much 
 that she fell sick and died. The eood man lamented 
 the loss of his helpmate with the most unaffected 
 sorrow, and remained for some months inconsola- 
 ble. His neighbours now thought it their duty to 
 reason him into resisnation. "My friend," said 
 one of them, " the wife you have lost was really an 
 excellent woman, but still you have a good rt-medy ; 
 you are a young and honest man, and you will find 
 no difficulty in procuring another. I have three 
 daughters, and I shall be happy to call you son-in- 
 law." Another on this offered him his sister — and a 
 third, his niece. "Good God !" says the mourner, 
 '■ what a strangp -pl^rp this is, since a man who 
 lives here had better lose his wife than his cow. My 
 K 2
 
 102 ONE AT A TIME IF YOU PLEASE. 
 
 wife is dead; and, lo ! you tell me I may pick and 
 chuse to supply her place ; but when my poor cow 
 died, nobody ever thought of oflFering me another." 
 
 One at a time, if you please. 
 One Sunday during last summer, while the wea- 
 ther was extremely hot, the windows of acertam pa- 
 rish church in the diocese of Gloucester were set 
 open to admit more air while the congregation was 
 assembled for divine service. Just as the clergyman 
 was beginning his discourse, a jackass, which had 
 been grazing in the church-yard, popped his head in 
 at the window and began braying with all his might, 
 as if in opposition to the reverend preacher. On 
 this a wag present immediately got up from his seat, 
 and with great gravity of countenance exclaimed — 
 •' One at a time, gentlemen, if you please I" The 
 •whole congregation set up a loud laugh, when the 
 jackass took fright and gave up the contest — though, 
 from the clergyman's chagrin and confusion, he 
 would probably not have been the worst orator. 
 
 A puppi/. 
 A. gentleman observed to a lady that a friend of 
 hees, who had been recently ill, spoke very much 
 like a puppy. " Likely enough — for I hear that, by 
 the order of the doctor, he has lately taken to bark," 
 replied the lady. 
 
 Dr. Johnson's probity. 
 Dr. Johnson was so accustomed to a strict adhe- 
 rence to truth, that he never bj^ any chance was 
 known to give an equivocal answer to anything, of 
 which the following is an example. A lady of his 
 acquaintance once asked him how it happened he 
 never was asked to the tables of the great. He re- 
 plied, " Because, madam, great lords and ladies do 
 not approve at all of having their mouths stopped by 
 truth.'*..-"
 
 CONJUGAL Af FECI ION. lOJ 
 
 The Tom cat of the family. 
 A. gentleman mentioning in company the other 
 dry, while conversing on the affairs of Russia, the 
 Czar of Muscovy, one of the company, observed he 
 had often heard of Muscovy rats, but never of a 
 Czar before. " Why," replied the gentleman, "he's 
 the great Tom cat of the family. 
 
 Conjugal affection. 
 
 The tender-hearted Araminta loved her husband 
 sincerely, for they had been but two months mar- 
 ried. He constituted her sole felicity. Their de- 
 sires and aversions were the same. It was Aramin- 
 ta's study, by diligent attention, to anticipate her 
 husband's wishes. " Such a wife would I desire," 
 says my male reader, who entertai ns thoughts of ma- 
 trimony — and such a wifemayest thou enjoy. Ara- 
 minta's husband fell sick of a very dangerous mala- 
 dy. "No hope I" said the physician, and shook his 
 awful wig. Bitterly wept Araminta. " O Death ! 
 might I prefer a petition. Spare, O spare my hus- 
 band, and let me be the victim in his stead." Death, 
 to her astonishrrent straight appeared. " What is 
 thy request," cried the grim tyrant. "There, said 
 Araminta — trembling with fear and amazement — 
 " there he lies pierced with intolerable agony — he 
 implores thy speedy relief— for Heaven's sake, put 
 him instantly out of his misery !" 
 
 How to equalize appearances. 
 Upon an extraordinary occasion there was a ball at 
 Wapping — the men concerned in which wore made 
 up of a crew of sailors and a gang of colliers. The 
 colliers, who came in last, observing the sailors, con- 
 trary to their expectation, spruced up in their best 
 clothes, withdrew into another room to wash tlieir 
 faces and brush them.selvea ; when the head of the
 
 104 A SLEEPING PARTNER. 
 
 colliery, who was cunninger than the rest, said to 
 them — " Look ye, lads, it is all fruitless pains. Let 
 us go into the great room, and jostle among the sai- 
 lors for their places; and 1 will engage, though we 
 cannot make ourselves as clean as they are, we sliall 
 soon make them as black as ourselves." 
 
 A sleeping partner. 
 At the late assizes at Horsham a clodhopper, of the 
 real Sussex breed, underwent a sharp cross-exami- 
 nation by one of the learned counsel, in the course 
 of which he was asked who his sleeping partner in 
 business was. " My sleeping partner," replies 
 Hodge, scratching his head, and giving his hat, 
 which he held by the hand in his ofher hand, ano- 
 ther turn, and staring at the same time at his inter- 
 locutor, as much as to sav, " I wonder what the de- 
 vil's coming next," — "My sleeping partner? dang 
 it, I'ze got noa sleeping partner but Mary." The 
 court was convulsed with laughter. When it had 
 somewhat subsided, the counsel resumed. •' You 
 say your sleeping partner is Mary — pray who is 
 Mary V " "Why doesn't thee know Mary I" re- 
 joined Hodge, grinning till his fat red cheeks almost 
 closed his eyes — " Why, she's my woife, to be sure, 
 you fool." 
 
 Pigs' Tales. 
 
 A young lady, residing at Bromley, lately sent a 
 servant to a circulating library at Stratford, to pro- 
 cure Hogg's Tales. The servant by the way entirely 
 forgot the name of the book, and was greatly per- 
 plexed what to do : but after some cogitation, thought 
 she had hit upon it, and asked for "Pigs' tails." 
 The librarian stared, and said she had mistaken the 
 place — she had better go to the pork shop next door 
 lor theLi.
 
 WORDS MURDERED. 105 
 
 Kot much of a compliment. 
 A wuman quarrelling with her husband, told him 
 she believed if she was to die, he would marry the 
 devil's eldest daughter. '* The law does not allow 
 a man to marry two sisters," replied the tender hus- 
 band. 
 
 Words murdered. 
 A gentleman passing one day through Lincoln's 
 Inn Fields, overheard a man speaking very bad 
 French, upon which he observed to an acquaintance 
 with him, that the French ought in future to be 
 classed amongst the dead languages. "\Vhyso;" 
 asked his friend. " Because it has been just mur- 
 dered,^^ replied the gentleman. 
 
 A distinction without a difference. 
 Meeting a ragged rogue, I said — 
 '* Your coat is out at elbovcs, Ned." 
 " You're wrong, (quoth Ned) for prithee note. 
 It is my elbows out at coat." 
 
 An Indian stratagerr 
 n the year 1799, when the war with America was 
 conducted with great spirit upon that continent, a 
 division of the British army was encamped on the 
 banks of a river, and in a position so favoured by 
 nature, that it was difhcult for any military art to 
 surprise it. War in America was rather a species of 
 hunting than a regular campaign. " If you fight with 
 art," said Washington to his soldiers, you are sure to 
 be defeated. Acquire discipline enough for retreat, 
 and the uniformity of combined attack, and your 
 countty will prove the best of engineers." So true was 
 the maxim of the American general, that the English 
 soldiers had to contend with little else. The Ame- 
 ricans had incorporated the Indians into their rstnke,
 
 106 AN INDIAN STRATAGEM. 
 
 and had made them useful in a species of war to 
 ■which their habits had peculiarly fitted them. They 
 sallied out of their impenetrable forests and jungles, 
 and, with their arrows and tomahawks committed 
 daily waste upon the British army — surprising their 
 centinels, cutting off their stragglers — and even 
 when the alarm was given and pursuit commenced, 
 they fled with a swiftness that the speed of cavalry 
 could not overtake, into rocks and fastnesses whither 
 it was dangerous to follow them. 
 
 In order to limit as far as possible this species of 
 war, in which there was so much loss and so little 
 honour, it was the custom of every regiment to 
 extend its outposts to a great distance beyond the 
 encampments — to station centinels some miles in the 
 woods, and keep a constant guard round the main 
 body. 
 
 A regiment of foot was at this time stationed upon 
 the confines of a boundless savannah. Its particular 
 office was to guard every avenue of approach to the 
 main body ; the centinels, whose posts penetrated 
 into the woods, were supplied from the ranks, and 
 the service of this regiment was more hazardous than 
 that of any other. Its loss was likewise great. The 
 centinels wereperpetually surprised upon their posts 
 by the Indians, and were borne off their stations 
 without communicating any alarm, or being heard of 
 after. 
 
 Not a trace was left of the manner in which they 
 had been conveyed away, except that, upon one or 
 two occasions, a few drops of blood had appeared 
 upon the leaves which covered the ground. Many 
 imputed this unaccountable disappearance to trea- 
 chery, and suggested as an unanswerable argument, 
 that the rren thus surprised might at least have fired 
 their muskets, and communicated the alarm to the 
 contiguous posts. Others, who could not by any ar- 
 gument to consider it as treachery, were quite con-
 
 AN INDIAN STRATAGEM. 07 
 
 tent to receive it as a great mystery which time 
 ■would unravel. 
 
 One morning — the centinels havingbeen stationed 
 &8 usual overnight — the guard went at sunrise to re- 
 lieve a post which extended a considerable distance 
 into the wood. The centinel was gone! The sur- 
 prise was great, but the circumstance had occurred 
 before. They left another man, and departed wish- 
 ing him good luck. 
 
 You need not be afraid," said the man, firmly— 
 " I shall not desert." 
 
 The relief company returned forthwith to the 
 guard-house. 
 
 The centinels were replaced every four hours, and 
 at the appointed time, the guard again marched to 
 relieve the post. To their inexpressible astonish- 
 ment the man was gone ! They searched round the 
 spot, but no traces could be found of his disappear- 
 ance. It was necessary that the station, from a 
 stronger motive than ever, should not remain unoc- 
 cupied: they were compelled to leave another man, 
 and returned to the guard-house. 
 
 The superstition of the soldiers was awakened, and 
 and the terror occasioned thereby ran through the re- 
 giment. 
 
 The colonel, being apprised of the occurrence, sig- 
 nified his intention to accompany the guard vhen 
 they relieved the centinel they had left. At the ap- 
 pointed time they all marched together : and again, 
 to their unutterable wonder, they found the post va- 
 cant, and the man gone. 
 
 Under these circumstances, the colonel hesitated 
 whether he would station a whole company on the 
 spot, or whether he should again submit the post to 
 a single centinel. 
 
 The cause of these repeated disappearances of men 
 whose honesty were never suspected, it was highly 
 necessary to discover, but it seemed unlikt'y that 
 k3
 
 108 AN INDIAN STRATAGEM 
 
 this discovery could be obtained by persisting in the 
 old method. 
 
 Three brave men had already been lost to the re- 
 giment, and to assign the post to the fourth, seemed 
 nothing less than giving him up to almost inevitable 
 destruction. 
 
 The poor fellow whose turn it was to take the sta- 
 tion, though a man in other respects of incomparable 
 resolution and actual bravery, trembled from head to 
 foot. 
 
 " I must do my duty," said he to the officer, " I 
 know that ; but I should like to lose my life with 
 more credit." 
 
 " I will leave no man," said the colonel, *' against 
 his will." 
 
 A man immediately stepped from the ranks, and 
 desired to take the post. " I will not be taken alive," 
 said he ; " and you shall hear of me at the least 
 alarm. At all events, I will fire my piece if I hear the 
 least noise. If a crow chatters, or a leaf falls, you 
 shall hear my musket. You may be alarmed when 
 nothing is the matter, but you must take the chance 
 as the condition of the discovery." 
 
 The colonel applauded his courage, and told him 
 he would be right to fire upon the least noise which 
 was ambiguous. His comrades shook hands with 
 him, and left him with a melancholy foreboding. The 
 company marched back, and waited the event in the 
 guard-house." 
 
 An hour had now elapsed, and every ear was upon 
 the rack for the discharge of the musket, when, upon 
 a sudden, the report was heard. The guard imme- 
 diately marched, accompanied as before by the colo- 
 nel, and some of the most experienced officers of the 
 regiment. 
 
 As they approached the post, they saw the man ad- 
 .vancing towards thern, dragging another man on the 
 ground by the hair of his head. When they came
 
 AN INDIAN STRATAGEM. 109 
 
 up to him, it appeared to be an lodian, whom he had 
 shot. 
 
 An explanation, as may be easily imagined, was 
 immediately required. 
 
 " I told your honour," said the man, " that I should 
 fire if I heard the least noise. The resolution I had 
 taken has saved my life. I had not been lone at my 
 post when I heard a rustling at some short distance ; 
 I looked, and saw an American hog, such as are com- 
 mon in the woods, crawling along the ground, and 
 seemingly looking for nuts under the trees and 
 amongst the leaves. As these animals are so very 
 common, I ceased to consider it for a few minutes, 
 but being on the constant alarm and expectation of 
 attack, I kept my eves fixed upon it, marking its 
 progress among the trees ft struck me aa somewhat 
 singular, however, to see the animal making, by a 
 circuitous passage, for a coppice behind my post. 
 As it was now within a few yards of me^ I hesitated 
 whether 1 should fire. Just as it approached a thicket 
 near me, I thoaght it gave an unusual spring. I no 
 longer hesitated ; I discharged my piece, and the ani- 
 mal was stretched before me with a groan which I 
 conceived to be that of a human creature. On go- 
 ing up to it, I found that I had killed an Indian. He 
 had enveloped himself with the skin of one of these 
 wild hogs so completely, that the disguise could not 
 be penetrated at a distance, and scarcely discovered 
 upon the nearest aspect. He was armed with a dag- 
 ger and a tomahawk." 
 
 Such was the substance of this man's relation. The 
 cause of the disappearance of the other centinels was 
 now apparent. The Indians, sheltered in this dis 
 guise, secreted themselves, watched the moment 
 when they could throw it off, burst upon the centi. 
 nels without previous alarm, and, too quick to give 
 them an opportunity to dissuharge their pieces, either 
 8t;ibbed or scalped them, and bore theix' bodies away,
 
 *10 A SECOND SOLOMON. 
 
 which they concealed at some distance in the leaves 
 —the Americans giving them rewards for every bcaiu 
 of an enemy which they brought. 
 
 A second Solomon. 
 A person was summoned to the Court of Requests 
 for a debt of thirty shillings on a note of hand — a 
 copy of which the creditor had wrote on the back of 
 the paper. Being asked his reason for doing this, he 
 answered — ''Because I was afraid I might lose the 
 original." 
 
 The Doctor outwitted. 
 Potion had long, with selfish zeal, 
 Drench'd all his neighbours, for their weal. 
 Did any feel a slight catarrh, 
 A purging gripe, a bowel war — 
 A flatulence, from inanition — 
 A nausea, from much repletion^ 
 His eager eyes pervade the face, 
 Each symptom.atic ill to trace; 
 The drugof mio;hty power he sends, 
 Unask'd prescribes, uncall'd attends: 
 And should the patient spurn the dose, 
 His desperate case the doctor knows ! 
 Pills with alarm the wife or friend, 
 Till all assist his one great end; 
 
 Then on the hapless victim preys 
 
 The remnant of his wretched days. 
 A tvag, at length, from London came. 
 
 Who much had heard of Potion's fame, 
 
 And long'd to take an active part 
 
 In combating his artwith art. 
 
 Admittance gained, he tells his case — 
 
 At such a time, in such a place, 
 
 1 hree ruffian robbers knock'dhim down, 
 
 His pockets rifled, crack'd his crown ; 
 
 Then left him in a viW ditch sprawling, 
 
 To i:eep his dreaded tongue from bawling ;
 
 IHP DOCTOR OUTWITTED. Ill 
 
 And now, at intervals, he feela 
 His brain unsteady as his heels: 
 That, having sought relief in vain, 
 From all the London healing train, 
 He was, at last, advised to trv 
 What Potion's judgment might supply. 
 
 All phvsic sat in Potion's face, 
 Who eyed with joy his patient's lace ; 
 A lucky job, thought he, I've go t ! 
 Then thrice he hemm'd, to clear his throat — 
 " Good sir, vour case is most alarming, 
 Since reason is a thing so charming; 
 Besides, Hippocrates, af old, 
 In chapter eight, has plainly told. 
 That he who is not sound in reason, 
 Is like a pear-tree out of season. 
 Mens Sana is the summum honum — 
 Galen savs so, and blessings on him. 
 From him 1 learn to treat this case, 
 And hit your caput to an ace." 
 
 Enquiries pass'd — as, lodgings where? 
 The patient told him, at the Bear. 
 
 A regimen was now laid down, 
 Enough to make a Brahmin frown; 
 Gruel alone must be his diet, 
 Till the distracted brain were quiet ". 
 Of drugs, 'tis true, he had enough, 
 Black hellebore instead of snuff : 
 Large draughts for morning, noon, and night. 
 To keep the body cool and light. 
 
 In window rang'd, the bottles stcind, 
 With labels like a parson's band; 
 Striking with mandates stern the eve — 
 Shake this — mix that — then drain it dry. 
 This, morn — that, noon — and these at nigl't— 
 At onoe salute the patient's sight; 
 Who pleased, surveys the plenteous stor« 
 And almost wishes it were more;
 
 112 THE DOCTOR OUTWITTEt*. 
 
 Re3olv'd, when Potion deign'd to call, 
 The greedy wretch should swallow all 
 
 The Doctor comes — the patient snores- 
 Potion the untouched drugs explores ; 
 Then meditates a reprimand, 
 And by the bed-side takes his stand — 
 " Holloa !" cries he, " d'ye sleep all day ?" 
 The patient starts, in wild dismay : 
 Roars, thieves and rogues disturb his rest, 
 This wounds his head and that his breast; 
 But swears, to Satan he will send 
 The rascals all who thus offend. 
 This said, he on the doctor flies, 
 Nor seems to heed his doleful cries. 
 "Help ! help !" poor Potion loudly calls, 
 But, unassisted, still he bawls : 
 For all, acquainted with the fun, 
 To see the doctor trick'd now run ; 
 And, crowding round the chamber-door. 
 Loud chuckle as they hear him roar. 
 
 The patient in the pot now drain'd 
 Each drop the phials sent contain'd; 
 To Potion's lips the mess applies — 
 " Drink this, vile scoundrel I" then he cries. 
 " Drink quick, or else to pot you go." 
 The doctor groans, and drinks but slow — 
 " Good lord, I'mpoison'd — such a bowl !" 
 *' Drink-^drink 1 or ruin seize your soul !" 
 " O save me — not a spoonful more" — 
 *• Drink, curse you ! drink your precious stove.' 
 " O Heaven preserve me ! What, drink all ?" 
 " Yes, every drop, lest worse befal. 
 Haste — quick, I have no time to waste, 
 Enjoy your own delicious feast; 
 And promise ne'er to drench again, 
 Man, woman, child, with med'cine vain. 
 Swear this; or else, by all that's just, 
 i'll pound your carcase small as dust !"
 
 A VERY BROAD HIVT. 113 
 
 '* Oh, yea, I'll swear — good heaven preserve me, 
 Can Christians thus let madmen serve me ?" 
 
 The doctor now in form was sworn; 
 And, hasting from the public scorn. 
 To house of office bent his way, 
 Where we shall leave him for the day. 
 
 A very broad hint. 
 " 1 fear," said a popular preacher to his flock, 
 " when I explained to you, in my last charity ser- 
 mon, philanthrophy was the love of the species, you 
 must have misunderstood me to s3.y specie, which may 
 account for the smallness of the collect!' n. You 
 will prove, I hope, by your present contribution, that 
 you are no longer labouriag under the same mis- 
 take." 
 
 Bon mot. 
 There are some men who sport with disgrace. A 
 person who was publicly horsewhipped, was asked 
 by another " How he could suffer himself to be 
 treated like a cypher, &c. "Like a cypher,''' he re- 
 plied; " you never saw a cypher in your life with so 
 many strokes to it." 
 
 A singular marriage. 
 While Mr. Hastings (uncle to the present Earl of 
 Huntingdon) was yet loung, and residing with the 
 former Earl of Huntingdon, in quality of domestic 
 chaplain to his lordship, he became enamoured, some- 
 what uncanonicaliy, of a verv pretty chambermaid, 
 called Bessy Warner, then living in the family. The 
 lover was assiduous and passionate, but Bess, on her 
 part, was quite as tenacious ; till, in the end he 
 pledged his honour with proper solemnity, that as 
 soon as he had got possession of the living of Great 
 and Little Leke . e would makQ her his wife, upon
 
 114 A SINGULAR MARRIAGE 
 
 certain present conditions, with which on the faith of 
 hi8 word, she was at last induced to comply. 
 
 In the ebbs and flows of human life, and its shift- 
 ing concerns, early acquaintances are soon sepera- 
 ted, and forgotten. 
 
 Thirty years had elapsed; Mr. Hastings mean- 
 time had lost his first wife, and gained a second li- 
 ving — it was that of Great and Little Leke. 
 
 One day the venerable old pastor was surprised by 
 the appearance of a strange post chaise and four, 
 driving rapidly up the avenue to the parsonage 
 house. An elderly gentlewoman alighted from it, 
 and Miss Warner was ushered into his reverend 
 presence, her matron cheeks covered with the blushes 
 of memory. After an interval of surprise and re- 
 cognition, she proceeded to tell him, *' that she had 
 come to claim the fulfilment of his promise; that he 
 had long since made the acquisition of fortune on 
 which his obligation of promise depended; and that 
 on her part she had never by the slightest indiscre- 
 tion swerved from an engagement which she consi- 
 dered sacred from the first moment." How far the 
 old gentleman, who had travelled north of his grand 
 climacteric, might have felt startled at so abrupt 
 and grave a proposal, we know not ; but it is certain 
 that, after duly satisfying himselfby diligent enquiry 
 concerning the lady's conduct and character, which 
 were found strictly correct and virtuous from the 
 date of her last interview with him, the banns were 
 formally announced in the church by himself, and 
 the parties married accordingly. On this occasion 
 he presented his bride with a ring, bearing the in- 
 scription " It is consummated," in Latin, which he 
 enjoined her to wear as long as he lived. 
 
 At the time of publishing, it is furt'ner told, that 
 he mentioned the bride by the familiar name of 
 Betsy; upon which she, being then present, stood up 
 in the pew, and said her name was Elizabeth, not 
 Betsy.
 
 SOMETHING IN A NAME. 115 
 
 Epitaph on a Sexton. 
 Underneath lies the body of Robert the Sexton , 
 V\ ho lived well in this world that he might in the 
 next *un. 
 
 Something in a name. 
 A countryman going to have his son baptised, 
 wished to consult the curate about the name. , "I 
 was thinking," said he, " to call him Peter."— 
 •'That's a bavl name; Peter denied his master." 
 •' Well, please your reyerence, what would you ad- 
 Tise me to call him, then ?" " Why not Joseph ?" — 
 "Ah, sir! he denied his mistress." 
 
 Utility and cheapness combined. 
 Two beggar women lately met, the one carrying a 
 child in her arms, the other leading a blind old man. 
 The latter asked the former how matters went with 
 her. " Indifferent !" answered she; " trade is quite 
 dull, and everything so extravagant that there is no 
 living. Here am I obliged to pay three and sixpence 
 a week for the hire of this child." The other re- 
 plied, " That's dear, indeed; for I only pay half-a- 
 crown a week for my old man, and he serves me aa a 
 sort of a husband besides." 
 
 Smart repartee. 
 Two travellers, moulded in deformity, 
 (One was hump-backed, and t'other lacked an eye) 
 One morning met, when thus the blind did say — 
 '• Why, friend, you're early with your load to-day 1" 
 *' Early indeed! (quoth Humpy, in a pet) 
 For you have but one window open yet." 
 
 Double, sir — I'm married. 
 A pretty damsel, presenting herself at the Post Oi-
 
 I'ifi RATHER TOO SEVERE. 
 
 fice the other day, and handing in a letter, modestly 
 asked how much was to pay, as she wished to 
 pre-pay the postage. The receiver asked the usual 
 question — " Single or double ?"when she replied — 
 blushing up to the eyes — " Double, sir — I was mar- 
 ried last week." 
 
 Rather too severe. 
 As a country gentleman was reading a newspaper 
 m a coffee-house, he said to a friend who sat next 
 him *' I have been looking_sonie time to see what 
 the ministry are about, but I cannotfind where those 
 articles are put, not being used to the London pa- 
 pers." " Look amoiig the robberies,^* replied the 
 other. 
 
 Unnecessary apology. 
 A frigate having been blown up in the Mediterra- 
 nean, one of the lieutenants was picked up by a 
 boat, and carried on board of another ship of war. 
 Saluting the captain, he said, " I hope, sir, you will 
 excuse me appearing in this dishabille, as I jame 
 away in such a devil of a hurry." 
 
 Impromptu. 
 Chaste moon ! if with censorious eye 
 Thou dost our amorous dalliance spy, 
 Remember when thy youthful love 
 Endymion, led thee to the grove, 
 And clasp'dthy waist with ardent vow, 
 As I do this fair damsel's now. 
 
 A head jusi as thick as it was long. 
 A student of the Middle Temple being just called 
 to the bar, sent for the peruke-maker to measure 
 him for a new tie-wig. The perruquier, on applying 
 his apparatus in one direction was observed to smile. 
 Upon which the young barrister desired to know
 
 A GOOD EPIGRAM. 117 
 
 what ludicrous circumstance gave rise to his mirth. 
 The barber replied, that he could not but remark 
 the extreme length of his honour's head. " That's 
 well," said the student — " we lawyers have occasion 
 for long heads." The barber, who had by this time 
 completed the dimensions, now burst out into a fit 
 of laughter. An explanation being insisted on, he 
 at last declared that he could not possibly contain 
 himself, when he discovered that his honour's head 
 was just as thick as it was long. 
 
 A good epigram. 
 
 The qualities rare in a bee that we meet, 
 In an epigram never should fail — 
 
 The bodtj should always be little and sweet. 
 And a sting should be left in its tail. 
 
 A sporting pun. 
 Two sporting men discoursing about a horse that 
 had lost a race, one of them by way of apology ob- 
 served, " That the cause of it was an accident, his 
 running against a loaggon;^' to which the other, who 
 affected not to understand him, archly replied, " Why 
 what else was he fit to run against?" 
 
 The Garden of Eden. 
 A Scotchman maintained that the Garden of Eden 
 was certainly placed in Scotland. " For," said he, 
 " have we not, all within a mile of one another, 
 Adam's Mount, the Elysium Fields, Paradise Place, 
 and the city of Eden-burgh. 
 
 Happy enou-gh, but not quite transported. 
 A gentleman remarking to his friend the cheerful- 
 ness of some convicts sentenced for transportation, 
 as they were going to be put on board — one of them 
 overhearing them replied — " Aye, aye, master ; you 
 see we are here happy enough, but if you was to go 
 along with us, you would be quite transported.' '
 
 1J8 THOUGHTS AND REFLECTIONS. 
 
 Choice of cl^aracter. 
 A poor player was questioned, what part in Othello 
 Bett suited his style f " Cash-I-owe /" said the fel- 
 low. 
 
 Thoughts and Reflections. 
 The generality of what the world calls friends, are 
 bet our shadows. They accoapany us while the sun 
 shines, but quit us as soon as it disappears. Felix se 
 nescit amari, aays Lucan : and the distressed have no 
 patron, says experience. 
 
 Definition of a rout. — Where people come only to 
 remark, and go away to be remarked upon. 
 
 Virtue, like the loadstone, can only communicate its 
 properties to susceptible natures. 
 
 \\ hy should not a man be allowed to commend his 
 wit as well as his honesty ? 
 
 The French word louer signifies both to hire and to 
 praise. That nation shews by this, their knowledge 
 of mankind, in thus making flattery the price of fa- 
 vour. Commend and command, is a good adage for 
 this maxim. 
 
 Personne, in the feminine gender, signifies some- 
 Dody ; but in the masculine, nobody. So that in 
 France women, it seems, are considered as every 
 thing, and men as nothing. 
 
 An unimpassioned heart, like lead, is dull and 
 cold — melt it, and it shines and flows. 
 
 Wit is not a fund, but a faculty. Huaiour is a com- 
 plexion ; and Story-telling a knack. 
 
 No man would change entirely with another. 
 " Better to bear those ills we have. 
 Than fly to others which we know not of." 
 What is exile, but being obliged to live in some 
 country, where a whole nation abides by choice? 
 
 Scurrilous people throw more dirt than hurt 
 against those they abuse. 
 Time, like a river, rolls imperceptibly away, till it
 
 POLITICAI PRIDENCE. 119 
 
 loses itself in the vast ocean of eternity. Happy thpy 
 who mark its periods by deeds which shall bear re- 
 cord when time itself shall be no more. 
 
 Reason may be compared to steel ; it must be kept 
 bright by use. If suffered to lie by, it will rust much 
 sooner than a baser metal; and the sooner still for 
 the fineness of its polish. 
 
 Political prudence. 
 Wise men say nothing in dangerous times. The 
 lion called the sheep to ask her if his breath smelt — 
 she 3aid " Aye," and he bit off her head for a fool. 
 He called the wolf, and asked him. He said, " No," 
 and he tore him to pieces for a flatterer. At last he 
 called for the fox, and asked him. " Truly," said 
 he, " I have got a cold, and cannot smell." 
 
 A repartee. 
 
 A lady who gave herself great airs cf importance, 
 on being introduced to a gentleman for the first 
 time, said with much cool indifference — " I think, 
 sir, I have seen you somewhere." " Verv likely," 
 replied the gentleman, " you may, ma'am; as I hare 
 often been there." 
 
 Giving warning. 
 A gentleman, who did not live very happy with 
 hie wife, on the maid telling him that she was going 
 t'^ give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding 
 her from morning till night. " Happy girl !" said 
 the master — " I wish Icould give her warning too." 
 
 Irish precaution. 
 As a clergyman was burying a corpse, an Irishwo- 
 man came and pulled him by the sleeve in the mid- 
 dle of the service, informing him that she wished to 
 speak with him. Feeling greatly annoyed, he de- 
 sired her to wait until he had concluded the service.
 
 ISO POLISHIMG. 
 
 She declared that she must speak with him withon 
 the least delay. Vexed beyond measure at the un 
 seemly interruption, he asked of her the cause of her 
 importunities. She cried out, in the deepest »n- 
 guish — " Why, sir, you are going to bury a man who 
 died of the small pox near my poor husband, who 
 never had it." 
 
 Polishing. 
 A person in public company, accusing the Irish 
 nation with being the most unpolished in the world, 
 was answered very mildly by an Irish gentleman — 
 " that it ought to be otherwise; for the Irish meet 
 with hard rubs enough to polish any nation on the 
 earth." 
 
 No Teetotaller. 
 
 A person notorious both as a drunkard and a glut- 
 ton, was once interrogated thus — " If, out of the 
 many good things of this life you were alio wed your 
 choice of three, to which would you give the prefer- 
 ence ?" "Why," said he, "in the first place, I 
 should like to have all the ric^nais I com W eat; and 
 in the next place, 1 would have all the beer I could 
 drink." These two he very quickly disposed of — ^but 
 not so the third, for his whole soul was employed in 
 catering for the cravings of the body. However, 
 after a considerable pause he said — "Well, in the 
 third place, I would have a little more beer." 
 
 A witty judge. 
 
 A cause was once tried in one of the Western 
 counties, which originated in a foolish dispute about 
 an old pair of small clothes. Upon this occasion 
 the judge observed, " that it was the very first time 
 he had \ver 'known a suit made out of a pair of 
 breeches.*'
 
 EXCESSIVE COURTESY. 12i 
 
 A hit of genuine truth. 
 A little girl, giving her opinion of knighthood, 
 said she had read a very good account of it in Don 
 Quixote — " It is one foolish man kneeling down, and 
 another foolish man drawing his sword, laying it 
 over his back, and saying, ' Rise up, Sir anybody.' " 
 
 Excessive courtesy. 
 At the time when Queen Elizabeth was making 
 one of her progresses through the kingdom, a mayor 
 of Coventry, attended by a large cavalcade, went out 
 to meet her majesty, and usher her into the city with 
 due formality. On their return, the weather being 
 very hot, as they passed through a wide brook Mr. 
 Mayor's horse several times attempted to drink, and 
 each time his worship checked him, which her majes- 
 ty observing, called out to him. '• Mr. Mayor — let 
 your horse drink, Mr. Mayor;" but the magistrate, 
 veiling his bonnet and bowing very low, modestly 
 answered — " Nay, nay ; may it please your majesty's 
 horse to drink first." 
 
 A horrid liar (Iyer.) 
 
 " What a horrid liar 1 am !" said Bill Transit, the 
 other day, when he overslept himself, and lost his 
 place by the first train. 
 
 A gardener^ s privileges. 
 The question was once asked by a very beautiful 
 woman, " Why is a gardener the most extraordinary 
 man in the '.7orld V The reply given was as follows; 
 " Because no man has more business on ear/?i, andhe 
 he always chooses good ground for what he does. 
 He commands his thyme — he is master of the mint^— 
 and he fingers penny-royal. He raises his celery 
 every year, and it is a bad year indeed that does not 
 bring him a -plum. He meets with more boughs than
 
 12? BON MOT OF QL'IN. 
 
 p minister of state ; he makes more beds than the 
 King of France, and has in them more roses and h- 
 hes than are to be found at a country wake. He 
 makes raking his business more than his diversion, 
 but it is an advantage to his health and fortune which 
 few others find it : his wife, moreover, has enough 
 of hearfs-ease, and never wishes for weeds. Disorders 
 fatal to others never hurt him; he walks and bustles, 
 and thrives most in a consumption : he can boast of 
 more bleeding hearts than you can, and has more lau- 
 rels than the Duke of Wellington. But his greatest 
 pride, and the grearest envy of his companious is, 
 that he can have yevo when he pleases." 
 
 Bon mot ofQuin, 
 In a summer, when the month of July was ex- 
 tremely wet and cold, some person asked Quin whe- 
 ther he ever remembered such a summer ? " Yes 
 replied the wag very seriously, " last winter." 
 
 The Bachelor and the Bride. 
 Frank Forethought was a devilish careful fellow — 
 
 In all his actions circumspect and wise; 
 Never quite fuddled, very seldom mellow, 
 
 Nor e'er for love heaved unavailing sighs— 
 For glances which all other hearts could gain. 
 On him bestowed were still bestowed in vain. 
 
 And let not love-sick youths with upcast eyes, 
 Nor reeling sots, or let such only blame; 
 
 To those who liberty and reason prize, 
 To be in love or liquor is the same ; 
 
 Such follies we in either case commit. 
 
 As are for fools or madmen only fit. 
 
 Frank though near forty had (the observation 
 
 I made just now) both love and wine defied, 
 VV hen all at once he felt a strange sensation,
 
 THE BACHELOR AND THE BRIDE. 12% 
 
 A sort of throbbing at his larboard side, 
 (As sailors term it) with a sudden flush, 
 As if the blood forth from his frame would rush. 
 
 His pulse before so temperate, now was quick. 
 
 And sighs (unknown before) he scarce could sma^ 
 ther. 
 
 So as he felt inclining to be sick 
 
 He took a dram — another — and another: 
 
 This plan though oft the best, as matters stood 
 
 In his dilemma did more harm than good. 
 
 What in the sufferer caused this state alarming 
 Scarce need I say — what but a woman could ? 
 
 And this was young and fair, resolved on charming. 
 And though he long her blandishments withstood, 
 
 Oft on her eyes incautious he would gaze, 
 
 Until at last they set him in a blaze. 
 
 Those eyes so fatal were to all beholders, 
 
 Like gas at once could light and heat impart ; 
 
 I'd haA-e a score of hazels at my shoulders. 
 Rather than such two hazels at my heart. 
 
 "When glowing glances of fond feelings tell us, 
 
 How thrills, but stop— 1 mustn't make spouse jea- 
 lous. 
 
 So to proceed, our swain was like a tree. 
 
 Which sapless grown is easier made to flame. 
 
 This fair assailant plied most dexterously 
 
 Her smiles and wiles, till quite secured her aim ; 
 
 And these attacks in ardour unabated, 
 
 Had brought him to the state before related. 
 
 He thought of nought but her who'd caused hib 
 pain — 
 
 Sleeping or waking, and the charm grew stronger; 
 Therefore resolved since struggling was in vain, 
 
 To marry, andso think of her no longer; 
 
 F
 
 124 THE BACHELOR AND THE BRIDE. 
 
 She, pressed to name the day, could scarcely speak- 
 But blushing, eighing, murmured " Sunday week." 
 
 Frank had a mother, whom he much respected, 
 (For she'd a fortune at her own disposal :) 
 
 And much he feared that if by her detected 
 
 In marriage project, hopes of wealth would close 
 all — 
 
 Since she had vowed if he inclined to wed. 
 
 To lead a second husband to her bed. 
 
 And it so chanced there was a strolling player 
 To whom she seemed a willing ear to lend; 
 
 Frank knew not this, and yet with secret care 
 Procured a ring, a licence, and a friend 
 
 To act as father to his destined bride. 
 
 And keep the secret from the world beside. 
 
 The time arrived, and Forethought with his friend 
 Might snugly stationed in the porch be seen, 
 
 Expecting that the bride would thither bend 
 
 Her course: she came not — with impatience keen 
 
 The kind companion would no longer stay, 
 
 But went to know the cause of this delay. 
 
 I once was angling, and with great delight 
 
 Hook'd several fish, felt of my skill much vanity — 
 
 But when I couldn't get another bite. 
 Began to feel a vast deal of humanity. 
 
 And 'gainst the barbarous sport my anger rising, 
 
 Put up and went away philosophizing. 
 
 In this state were Frank's feelings ; he began 
 To think 'twould prove a fortunate miscarriage. 
 
 And that for him 'twoulrl prove the wisest plan 
 Was to go home, and think no more of marriage. 
 
 But while these thoughts in his suspense oppress'd 
 him, 
 
 A man of smart appearance thus addrMs'd uim.
 
 THE BACHELOR AND THE BRIDE. 125 
 
 '• Sir, I came here, hoping to wed in private, 
 I wish'd to keep some persons in the dark, 
 
 So meant least the\ the knowledge should arrirect, 
 To take my mate from no one but the clerk"— 
 
 Since he refuses, 1 make free to ask. 
 
 If you in kindness will perform the task. 
 
 But a few short moments 'twill detain you, 
 The minister and bride are waiting there"— 
 
 Says Frank, " by a refusal I'll not pain you. 
 Though 'pon my word this is a strange affair: 
 
 1 meant to take a wife myself to-day, 
 
 And nerer dreamt of giving one away." 
 
 The clergyman looked grave — the knot was tied, 
 The fees were paid, his smiles were then benl a— 
 
 With curious eye our hero viewed the bride, 
 But still she hid our countenance divine; 
 
 And e'en her natural tones contrived to smother^ 
 
 At length he caught a glimpse and — 'twas hia mo- 
 ther ! 
 
 The rest is plain, she who had Frank decoyed, 
 Was sister to this fortune-hunting swain ; 
 
 Who had her fascinating arts employed. 
 To banish any scruples might remain 
 
 Her son respecting, in the matron's mind, 
 
 By proving him to wedlock's joys inclined. 
 
 Now all you single gentlemen of forty. 
 
 Take warning by Frank Forethought's pit*ou» 
 case. 
 How happy I should this my tale have taught ye 
 
 By his example to avoid disgrace. 
 Moist spring, and glowing summer, having pa«% 
 Do not in Autumn catch love's plague at last. 
 
 Legal difficulty. 
 A young man happened to be present atthetTMl 
 f2
 
 126 EPlORA^f. 
 
 of some causes of no kind of intricacy, where the 
 proof was full, and where law as well as equity lay 
 clearly on one side. The judge of course decided 
 wltiiout hesitation, as any man of common sense and 
 honesty would have done. " Of all professions," 
 said the young man to the judge, " certainly yours is 
 the easiest ; any body who has eyes may be a judge ; 
 all that 18 necessary is to distinguish black from 
 white." " But that is a very difficult matter," replied 
 the judge, when the cause is grey." 
 
 Epigram, 
 When Adam first sinned, and from Eden was turned» 
 
 This curse was pronounced upon him and his race ; 
 " Because thy creator's behest thou has spurned 
 
 Thy bread thou shall eat by the sweat of thy face." 
 But in our iron age, now the curse has been doubled, 
 
 Of sorrow we've store, but of comfort no ray, 
 For a man, howe'er frugal, now finds himself trou- 
 bled 
 
 To earn bread to eat, let him sweat as he may. 
 
 On a modern Dramatist, 
 
 " Not for the stage his plays are fit, 
 But for the closet," said a wit : 
 " The closet !" said his friend. " 1 ween. 
 The water closet 'tis you mean." 
 
 Neither ens nor father of us. 
 
 An Irishman, telling his friend that, passing along 
 the street he saw a pprson on the other side with 
 whom he was acquainted, said "I crossed to see him, 
 I thought I knew him, and he thought he knew me, 
 bit by Jasus, it was neither one nor fotlier of tis." 
 
 A brave challenge. 
 A fcufile lately betwe<^n some Irish labourtrtand
 
 GENUINE LOTALTT. \21 
 
 «ome of their partners in toil took place on putn«v 
 bridge, and a battle royal ensuing, one uf the Hioei- 
 nians was very neatly tumbled over the bridge, and 
 whilst he was floundering in the water, loudly ex- 
 claimed to his opponent, " Och you spalpeen! coma 
 and hit now, if you dare I" 
 
 Genuine loyalty. 
 *' I'll list for a soldier," says Robin to Sue, 
 
 " To avoid your eternal disputes." 
 ** Aye, aye" — cried the termagant — " Do, Robj.«. 
 do; 
 Meanwhile, I'll be raising recruits." 
 
 A drop f 00 much. 
 A person havingbeen hanged, a stranger aske^ his 
 •wife of what distemper her poor husband died. '* He 
 took a drop too mucli," was the reply. 
 
 A tolerable good hint. 
 
 A young lawyer, boasting of his readiness to un 
 dertake the defence of any person accused of crime, 
 declared he would as soon undertake the cause of a 
 man whom he knew to be guilty as one whom he 
 believed to be innocent. An aged Quaker being 
 present, he appealed to him for the correctness of his 
 Tiews — "What say you to that, old gentleman?" 
 " Why, I say, that if thee lived in my neighbour- 
 hood, I should keep my stable locked, that's all, "replied 
 the Quaker. 
 
 Most extraordinary, if true. 
 A Russian Gazette, tells of a soldier who, about 
 one hundred and fifty years ago, was frozen in Sil).»- 
 ria. The last expression he made was, " It is ex— — " 
 He then froze as stiff as marble. In the summyi" if 
 1840 some French physicians found him, after harixif
 
 128 THE MUTUAL CONFESSION^ 
 
 lain frozen one hundred and fifty years. They gra- 
 dually thawed him. Upon animation being restored 
 he concluded his sentence with " — ceedinglycoldl" 
 
 The mutual confession. 
 A certain lord, by his physician, 
 Was sent upon a visit to Old Nick, 
 Where he beheld his coachman Dick ^ 
 
 Dispatched upon the same commission. 
 " My Lord, I hope your lordship's well: 
 I'm charm'd to see so good a master — 
 But tell me, pray, what strange disaster 
 Has brought your lords'iip down to hell ?" 
 •' You know, my friend," the peer replied, 
 My spotless wife, as chaste as fair. 
 Had crowned my labours with an heir. 
 Some wise intrigues and tricks I tried, 
 To bless this worthy object of my care, 
 But I unfortunately died; 
 So now, you see, I'm sentenc'd to be fried — 
 But you, my good old friend, whose grave 
 Even I bedewed with many a tear, 
 So faithful, so attach'd a slave! — 
 Pray what the devil brought you here ?" 
 *' Alas, my lord ! that soji of yours — God rot him I 
 Your faithful slave is here/or having got him .'" 
 
 You never lose by politeness. 
 An officer in battle happening to bow, a cannon- 
 ball passed over his head, and took off the head of 
 the soldier who stood behind him. " You see, that a 
 man never loses by politeness," said he. 
 
 Making a hand of afoot. 
 
 At Irishman having his apothecary's bill brought 
 hira for the cure of a sore foot, which he thought 
 rery extravagant, exclaimed, "By Jasua, this fellow 
 has made a pretty hand of my foot."
 
 EVASION. i29 
 
 A learned wife. 
 A Mussulman coming to a mosque, observed his 
 wife in close conversation witli a strange man, and 
 desired her to follow him. The woman replied, " It 
 is written in the Koran, Thou shalt not command in 
 any house but thine own." The husband asked her 
 what she was about? " Ask no questions," replied 
 the wife, " for the same holy book saith, Thou shalt 
 not enquire what does not concern thee." He again 
 in a peremptory manner ordered her to come away — 
 when she exclaimed, " The holy volume declares, 
 that mosques belong to God — disturb not, therefore, 
 his temple." He then attempted to compel her ta 
 depart, but she exclaimed, " The scripture saith, 
 "Whosoever is in a mosque, to that person it is an 
 asylum." The husband was now confounded, and 
 said with some heat — " Ten thousand plagues upon 
 a learned wife ; she has begun to study the Koran, 
 and I believe she has come here to finish it." 
 
 Evasion. 
 A distingviished Spanish General, having sworn 
 never to fight against the French army, either on foot 
 or on horseback, evaded his pledge by taking the 
 field against them at the battle of Rocroy, in a sedan 
 chair ! 
 
 Rain won't suit every body. 
 
 Some years ago a candidate for a Welsh borough 
 told his constituents, that if they would elect him, he 
 should take care they should have any kind of wea- 
 ther they liked best. This was a tempting offer, and 
 they could not resist choosing a man who was so 
 influential and obliging. 
 
 Soon after the election one of his cons<,Uu*-nt8 
 waited upon him and rpquested some rain. " "Weil, 
 my good friend, and what do you want with rain—
 
 130 PERSIAN WIT. 
 
 •won't it spoil your hay ?" '• Why it will be very ser- 
 viceable to the wheat, and as to my hay, 1 have just 
 got it in.'' "But has your neighbour got his in? 
 I should suppose rain would do him some mischief ?" 
 '* Why, aye," replied the farmer, " rain would do him 
 harm indeed." " Aye, you see how it is, my dear 
 friend. I have promised to get you any kind of wea- 
 ther you like — but if I give you rain 1 must disoblige 
 him : so your best way will be to meet together all of 
 you, and agree in theweatherthatwillbe the best for 
 you all, and you may depend upon having it But 
 my business is notto set you together by the ears, by 
 giving a preference to one over the other," 
 
 Persian wit. 
 The governor of Ispahan imposed an unusual tax 
 upon shops. A seller of vegetables went and told 
 him he was unable to pay it. You must pay it, or 
 leave the city, was the reply. I cannot pay it, said 
 the man, and where else can I go' To Shiras, or 
 Kasan, said the governor, if you like it. Your bro- 
 ther, returned the shopkeeper, is in power in one of 
 those places, and your nephew in the other — what 
 can I expect from them ? Go to court, then, said the 
 governor ; complain to the king if you think I have 
 done wrong. Your brother is piime minister, said 
 the man. Go to the devil ! said the angry ruler, and 
 trouble me no more. The holy man, your father, is 
 perhaps there. This had its desired effect, and the 
 complainant was relieved. 
 
 On a wicked shoemaker. 
 You say he has sprung from Cain — rather 
 
 Confess there's a difference vast: 
 For Cain was a son oi the first father. 
 
 While he is a son of the last. 
 
 TJiefour Vs. 
 At a nieet:ng where a dissenting doctor and one or
 
 SAGACITY. 151 
 
 more clergymen of the established church were pre- 
 sent, the doctor was requested to give a toast, which 
 he d"d, saying, " The sans culottes of England." 
 "Oh," says the clergyman, " I shall drink that with 
 glee; for the doctor must mean the single ladies of 
 England, as the married only wear the breeches." 
 The doctor appeared rather dissatisfied with this per- 
 version of his sentiment, and the clergyman was re* 
 quested to favour the company with his toast. The 
 doctor admonished the president to beware of that 
 gentleman, " who (says he) if you give an inch will 
 take on ell." "I thank you, doctor," replied the 
 clergyman, " for the hint. I will give you three L's. 
 — Liberty, Loyalty, and Lawn-sleeves." "If you 
 please, reverend sir, (said the doctor) we will add 
 another L. to your toast by way of rider, and call it 
 the four L's— Lawn-sleeves, Luxury, Lumber, and 
 Laziness." 
 
 Sagacity. 
 An Irish lawyer of the Temple having occasion to 
 go out to dinner, left the following direction on a slip 
 of paper, appended to the knocker. " Gone to the 
 Elephant and Castle, where you will find me ; and if 
 you cannot read this, carry It to the stationer's, and 
 he will read it for you." 
 
 Difference between a Bull and a Bully. 
 At the late assizes at Worcester, a cause was tried 
 about the soundness of a horse, in which a clergy- 
 man, not educated in the school of Tattersall, ap- 
 E eared as a witness. He was confused in giving 
 is evidence, and the furious blustering counsellor 
 who examined him, was at last tempted to exclaim— 
 " Praysir, do you know the difference between a 
 horse and a cow ?" " I acknowledge my ignorance, 
 (said the grave divine) I hardly know the difference 
 Hetween a horse and aooio ; or between a bully s^nd % 
 f3
 
 132 PAYING THE PIPER. 
 
 bull, only that a bull has horns, and a bully (bowing 
 respectfully tc the counsellor) luckily for me, bas 
 none.'* 
 
 Paying the piper. 
 An attorney lately sent a bill in to his client, in 
 which amongst several other items, he charged him 
 three guineas for reading an illegible piece of writing. 
 
 A dreadful accident. 
 
 Two Irish porters happening to meet in Dublin, 
 one says to the other " Mac Shane, how are you, my 
 dear creature; and have you seen our old fri?ndPat 
 Murphy, lately ?" " No ; and I am very much afraid 
 we shall never see him a^ain, for he has met with a 
 very unfortunate accident lately." " What the devil 
 was' it ?" enquires Mac Shane. " Nothing more than 
 this, my dear : as he was standing on a plank, devout- 
 ly talking to a priest at a place in London which 1 
 think they call the Old Bailey, the plank suddenly 
 way, and by the powers, Murphy got his neckbroke!" 
 
 Anecdote of a late General officer. 
 
 A late valuable and distinguished officer had so 
 great a propensity to gaming, that he frequented 
 places of every description where play was going 
 forward, without regarding the low company he met 
 there. At one of these places one night, in the ea- 
 gerness of his diversion, he pulled out an exceeding- 
 ly valuable gold snufF-box richly set with diamonds, 
 took a pinch and passed it round, keeping the dice 
 box four or five mains before he was out; when re- 
 collecting something of the circumstance, and not 
 perceiving the snuff box, he swore vehemently no 
 man should stir till it was produced, and a general 
 •earch should ensue. 
 
 On his right sat a person dressed as an officer,
 
 ANECDOTE OF A GETiERAL, IM 
 
 thougb shabby, that now and then with great humi- 
 lity begged the honour to be permitted going a shil- 
 ling with him, and had by that means picked up four 
 or five ; on him the suspicion fell, and it was pro- 
 posed to search him first, who desiring to be heard, 
 declared — " I know the General well ; yet he, nor all 
 the powers upon earth shall subject me to a searcli 
 while I have life to oppose it. I declare on the ho- 
 nour of a soldier I know nothing of the snuffbox, 
 and hope that will satisfy the man doubting : follow 
 nie into the next room, where I will defend that ho- 
 nour or perish!" 
 
 The eyes of all were now turned on the General 
 for an answer, who, clapping his hand eagerly down 
 for his s^vord, felt the snuffbox (supposed to have 
 passed round, and put there from habit) in a secret 
 side pocket of his breeches made for that purpose. 
 It is hardly to be conceivedthe confusion that covered 
 him on this occasion, that he had so slightly given 
 way to suspicion. Remorse, mixed with compassion 
 and tendprness of the wounded character (because 
 poor) of his fellow soldier, attacked him at once so 
 forcibly, that he could only say to him on leaving the 
 room, " Sir, I ask your pardon, and I hope to find it 
 granted, from your breakfasting with me, and here- 
 after ranking me among your friends." 
 
 It maybe easily supposed the invitation was com- 
 plied with ; when after some conversation, the Ge- 
 neral conjured him to say what could be the true rea- 
 son that he should object to being searched. " Why, 
 General, (returned the oflBcer) being upon half-pay 
 and friendless, I am obliged to husband erery 
 penny. 1 had that day very little appetite, and as 1 
 could' not eat what 1 had paid for, nor afford to lose 
 it, the leg and wing of the fowl were then wrapped up 
 in a piece of paper in my pocket ; the thought of 
 which being found there, appeared ten times moi* 
 terrible than fighting the room round. " ** Enough— ^
 
 134 NECESSITY CONQUERS ALL 
 
 enough, my dear boy — you have said enough ; your 
 name — let iis dine together to-moriow ; we must 
 prevent your being subjected again to such a dilem- 
 ma." 
 
 They met the next day, and the General presented 
 him a captain's commission, and with a purse of gui- 
 neas to enable him to join his regiment. 
 
 Necessity conquers all. 
 
 The crimps may boast as they will of their extraor- 
 dinary talents in obtaining men for her majesty's 
 service, but after all, the best recruiting serjeant in 
 the world is necessity ; for when hunger turns drum- 
 mer and beats a tattoo upon an empty stomach, it so 
 rattles up a man's valour, that he becomes a hero in 
 spite of himself, and has no alternative between 
 death or glory. 
 
 Curious notice. 
 
 An Irish paper contains a notice, " that the fair of 
 Eathfryland, on acconnt of the day being bad, is post- 
 poned to Wednesday, the 7th of May, when it will be 
 held as usuxil." 
 
 Longing ladies. 
 In a mixed company of ladies and gentlemen, the 
 conversation turned en pregnant women longing, 
 and their children being marked with what they 
 longed for. An old parson, who had heard them in 
 silence being pressed to give his opinion, said — " I 
 tliinkit depends much on the sex of the child. Of 
 the many thousands of young women who have pro- 
 ved unluckily with child, and Icnged to be married 
 to their dear seducers, I never heard of one of their 
 daughters that was marked with a church or a Com- 
 mon Prayer Book, or even with a wedding-ring, 
 whereas it is not uncommon for a bey to bear a small 
 marfi o/u-Jiat his mother longed, for.^'
 
 THE devil's face IN THE CUP. 135 
 
 IruJi pclicy. 
 An IrisLman one day found a liglit jruinca, wliicn 
 he was obliged to sell fur eighteen shillings. Next 
 day he saw another guinea lying in the street — " By 
 Jasus," says he, "I'll have nothing to do with you; 
 I lost three shillings on your brother yesterday .'" 
 
 The Derirsface in the cup. 
 The Welsh fcrnieilv drank their ale out of earth'in 
 vessels, glazed and painted within and without with 
 various devices. A farmer in the principality, who 
 had a curious quart mug with an angel painted at the 
 bottom on the inside, found that a neighbour who 
 very frequently visited him, and with the customary 
 hospitality had the first draught, always gave so 
 hearty a swig as to leave little for the rest of the 
 party. This our farmer three or four times remon- 
 strated against as unfair, but was always answered — 
 " Hur does so love to look at that pretty angel, that 
 hur always drinks till hur can see its face." The 
 farmer on this set aside his angel cup, and at the next 
 Shrewsbury fair bought one with a figure of the devil 
 painted at the bottom. This being produced foam- 
 ing with ale to his guest, he made but one draught, 
 and handed it to the next man quite empty. Being 
 asked his reason — as he could not now wish to look 
 at the angel, he replied — " Hur cannot bear to leave 
 that ugly devil a drop !" 
 
 Bon repos. 
 
 A man who had known nothing of genteel life 
 unexpectedly succeeded to a fortune. His riches 
 procured him attentions and invitations to the 
 houses of persons of respectability. He dined one 
 day at a gentleman's house, when, after a proper 
 quantity had boen drank and the company proposed 
 going away, the landlord drank Btn repot. Thi»
 
 136 A REGULAR BULL. 
 
 new toast the man of money carefully treasured in 
 Ais mind, and having a large company to dine with- 
 him next day, immediately the cloth was cleared he 
 gave Bon repos. To his astonishment the company 
 o je and all got up and left the house. The causeof 
 their sudden departure being afterwards explained 
 to him hy one ol them he said — " I really thought Bon 
 repos had been a great and victorious English gene- 
 ral." 
 
 A regular hull. 
 In a Cork paper the following singular advertise- 
 ment appeared: — " Whereas Patrick Donnell O'Con- 
 \ior lately left his lodgings — this is to give notice, 
 that if he does not return immediately and pay for 
 the same, he will he advertised." 
 
 Medical Anecdote. 
 Bouvart the physician called on a certain noble- 
 man whom he had attended for some time past du- 
 ring a severe illness. ''Good day to you, M. Bou- 
 vart," says the sick man. " 1 am glad to see you, 
 1 think my fever has left me. Only judge." " I am 
 Bure of it," replied the doctor ; " the very first ex- 
 pression you have used convinces me." " How can 
 that be?" " Oh, nothing more easy. In the first 
 days of your illness, when you were in such great 
 danger, L was your dear friend. When 1 began to get 
 better, i was your dear Bouvart; and now 1 am M. 
 Bouvart. You may depend upon it you are quite re- 
 covered." 
 
 A common friend. 
 
 An action was lately commenced by a 6a77i/f against 
 an attorney for a libel upon the character of the for- 
 wer; but the matter was settled by the interposition 
 of a thief-taker, who acted as the common frierul of 
 bo^h parties.
 
 CALL SOMEBODY ELSE. ]37 
 
 Ail Ticklers. 
 A party of seamen, employed in Plymouth Dock 
 yard, was asked by a stranger, which was the Tickler 
 gun brig? "By St. Patrick," replied one of them, 
 (an honest Hibernian) " you need not be under any 
 mistake about that, my dear, for, by Jove,. they are 
 all ticklers .'" 
 
 Call somebody else. 
 
 A preacher iu Arabia having taken for his text 
 that portion of the Koran, " I have called Xoah," 
 after twice repeating his text, made a long pause, 
 when an Arab present, thinking that he was waiting 
 for an answer, exclaimed "If Noah will not come, 
 call somebody else." 
 
 The Devil and the Launjer. 
 
 Harpy, the baneful foe of rest, 
 Society's unceasing pest, 
 Long exercised his hellish trade, 
 And juggler-like, estates convey'd ; 
 His clients dup'd, cajoled his friends, 
 And sold them for his private ends — 
 To right and justice bade defiance — 
 'Twixt law and them who finds alliance ? 
 
 His front embronz'd, his conscience sear'd. 
 He neither God nor devil fear'd — 
 He joys to hear the widow's woe. 
 The orphan's helpless state to know ; 
 'Gainst love and friendship double proof, 
 Each kindred virtue shuns his roof; 
 While Avarice, regent of his breast. 
 Locks up from use the good possess'd. 
 
 But heaven in justice has decreed. 
 To every vice its proper meed; 
 That either fame orfurtune flies 
 The worthless wretch call'dworldly-wite.
 
 138 THE Di:VlL AND THE LAWYER. 
 
 And though no human laws can t)ind, 
 Conscience sits umpire in the mind. 
 
 Detected in his arts, and scouted. 
 Struck off the rolls and fairly routed — 
 Denied the means of future gain, 
 Afraid to murmur o r complain, 
 Harpy thought fit toyie'd to fate. 
 And wisely meditates retreat ; 
 Converts his ill-got lands to gold. 
 His houses, goods, and chattels sold — 
 And eager to conceal his crimes, 
 Resolves to visit foreign climes. 
 Where, all his baneful arts unknown, 
 He still might make'some friends his own. 
 
 Embark'd, with villain-gold in store. 
 He soughtNew England's level shore. 
 The rising winds inflate the sails — 
 The ship proceeds with prosperous gales. 
 Thus Fortune still her favourite saves 
 First from a halter, then the waves. 
 
 Settled in Boston's stately town, 
 He sees no foe, he fears no frown — 
 Nov ever dreams that just disgrace 
 "Will dare to stare him in the face — 
 That former crimes will rise to light. 
 Or conscience awe him into right. 
 
 Thus Harpy hoped, buthoped in viin — 
 Vengeance o'ertakes the culprit train. 
 
 Bonosus, in his early years. 
 An orphan left and drowned in tears, 
 To Harpi told his plaintive tale. 
 For friends and foes alike assail. 
 And not a guardian owned his cause. 
 To shield him from oppression's claws. 
 Perfidious Harpy, worst of foes, 
 To plead his injur'd cause arose. 
 The lesser villains own his might, 
 This yields his'rlaim, and that his right.
 
 THE DEVIL AND THE LAWYER. 139 
 
 The cause was gained, but lo ! the cheat 
 Brought the duped client in his debt. 
 Lands, houses, sink to pay the bill. 
 And Harpy triumphs in his skill. 
 
 Deprived of all, in humble style; 
 Bonosus left his native isle : 
 And years of ceaseless toil now past, 
 Had gained a settlement at last. 
 In Boston lived, by allrever'd, 
 To all by virtuous deeds endear'd. 
 Well he remember Harpy's name, 
 And, satisfied he is the same, 
 Contrives a scheme with matchless art, 
 To wring the guilty wretch's heart. 
 
 The night was dark — no star was seen, 
 And Phoebe veil'd her silver mien. 
 The clock strikes twelve, the rude winds honl. 
 And fright the unpurg'd villain's soul ; 
 When, in the devil's fancied form. 
 As cracks the roof beneath the storm, 
 Bonosus hies to Harpy's door, 
 And bursts the bolts with horrid roar. 
 The bolts give way — the phosphor gleams, 
 And Harpy now no longer dreams. 
 He sees the fiend — he swoons with fear — 
 And feels the furies at each ear. 
 Recover'd from his death-like trance, 
 Bonosus makes the first advance. 
 With hollow voice and aspect fierce. 
 That well a better heart might pierce, 
 He roars out — " Harpy, come away ! 
 Hell can no longer brook your stay. 
 With me you go to regions dire, 
 to sulphur streams of liquid fire — 
 Where spirits damned shall hail your name 
 A.nd hell resound your guilty fame !" 
 ?or mercy Harpy calls on Heaven, 
 And loudly sues to be forgiven —
 
 140 THE DEVIL AND THE LAWYER. 
 
 With deep contrition owns each crime, 
 And begs a longer space of time 
 That for his wrongs he may atone. 
 Ere vengeance marks him for her own, 
 
 " Quick, then, three thousand pounds restore I ' 
 Bonosus cries, with hideous roar; 
 " That sum you from an orphan drew. 
 And left him beggary in view — 
 Exposed him to each varied ill, 
 That could the cup of sorrow fill— 
 "While you still fatten on his store, 
 Nor once his hapless fate deplore." 
 
 Trembling through all his vital frame, 
 Harpy convicted stood of shame; 
 And, pointing to his ill-got pelf, 
 Bade Satan satisfy himself. 
 
 Bonosus y ith the cash retreated, 
 Harpy reformed, and hell was cheated; 
 His future life atoned the past, 
 And age and honour crown'd his last. 
 
 Seek ye a moral from this tale? 
 Let honour, right, aiid truth prevail — 
 No bugbear then can e'er molest 
 The quiet of your guiltless breast: 
 At the least gleam from Virtue's ray, 
 Devils and spectres shrink away. 
 
 Novel correspcndenee. 
 In the reign of Charles theSecond, a sailor having 
 received his pay, fell into bad company, and had his 
 whole substance taken from him. In the morning 
 he vowed revenge against the first he should meet 
 with possessed of cash : and, accordingly, overtaking 
 a gentleman in Stepney Fields, he insisted on having 
 his loss made good The gentleman for some time 
 expostulated with him on the atrocity of such beha- 
 viour, but to no purpose. The tar was resolute, and 
 the gentleman delivered his purse, but soon after had 
 him.apprehendcd. He was committed to Newgate,
 
 A LEGAL PUN. 141 
 
 from whence Jack sent a shipmate with the follow- 
 ing strange epistle to the king ; — 
 
 " King Charles— One of thy subjects, the other 
 night, robbed me of forty pounds, for which I rob- 
 bed another of the same sum, who has inhumanly 
 sent me to Xewgate, and swears I shall be handed; 
 therefore, for thy own sake, save my liTe, or, by G — , 
 thou wilt lose one of the best seamen in thy navy. 
 Thine, Jack Skiffton." 
 
 His majesty, on the receipt of the letter, immedi- 
 ately wrote as follows ; — 
 
 " Jack Skiffton — For this time I'll save thee 
 from the gallows; but if hereafter thou art guilty of 
 the like, by G — . I'll have thee hanged, though the 
 best seaman in my navy. 
 
 Thine, Charles Rex." 
 
 A legal "pun. 
 As a lawyer was hastening with gown and with wig, 
 He happened to tread on a small sucking-pig : 
 Cried he, "That's a learned pi>, or I'm mistaken, 
 For 'tis, you may see, an Abridgement of Bacon.'' 
 
 A serious question misunderstood. 
 A minister catechising his parishioners, among 
 the rest called up a woman of more confidence than 
 judgment, and asked her who died for htr. '* Pray, 
 sir," said she, " let me alone with yourtdunts." He 
 told her that this was no matter of taunting, so asked 
 her the same question again. She replied, " Sir, I 
 have been an honesthousekeeper these twenty years, 
 and methinks it does not become a man of your coat 
 to mock me at this rate." ''What dost mean, wo- 
 man ? I do not mock you. 1 ask you who died for 
 you?" "Then," cries she, " if you will have the 
 truth, in plain English, I was once so handsome, 
 that as many would have died for me as for any of 
 f ur daughters, as saucy as you are."
 
 142 MANUAL WIT. 
 
 Impromptu advertisement. 
 A lively and beautiful young widow at a boarding 
 house at Margate, having brought from France a lit- 
 tle glass globe with swans that appeared to swim 
 within it, showed it to the company in the house as 
 a pretty whimsical toy. They were pleased with it, 
 and talked of it so much, that every one who came 
 to the house requested a sight of the little glass globe. 
 This gave the fair proprietor a good deal of trouble, 
 which for four or five days was borne without mur- 
 muring ; but at length visito'-s increased so fast, 
 that she declared every one who saw it should pay a 
 penny. " Your determination is perfectly right," 
 said a young lady at table, " but you ought to put 
 forth an advertisement — hand me' a pen, and I will 
 write you one. Here it is — read it aloud for the be- 
 nefit of the company." 
 
 " A lady has a raree show, and for a penny shows it 
 To every belle -and every beau, and does not care 
 
 who knows it. 
 'Tis worth the price, it must be owned, although as 
 
 glass 'tis" brittle — 
 And though it is not wondrous large, it is not won- 
 drous little. 
 Come then, ye monied swains, in haste, and you 
 
 shall get a peep. 
 But be not long before you come, as such things will 
 notkeep." 
 
 Manual wit. 
 A person being in company with a son of the sod, 
 iA\e him jocosefy a kick in the breech. " By Jasus, 
 said Paddy) 1 don't much like that sort of mimial 
 wit." 
 
 Barefaced painting. 
 An Emeralder being asked how he liked the Pari-
 
 A JUDGE, BUT NO LAWYPR. 143 
 
 Btan women, said he liked them well enough, but he- 
 could not bear their painting so barefacedly. 
 
 Quid rides. 
 A tobacconist having made a fortune, set up his 
 carriage, but observed to a friend, that people would 
 be laughing at him. " Well," said the other, " in- 
 scribe on it by way of motto. Quid rides V He did 
 so — when a sailor, who had bought of him many 
 quid, seeing him pass by in it, read the motto as two 
 English words, Quid rides. 
 
 A judge, but no lawyer. 
 
 Soon after Sir George Nares was appointed a 
 judge, he went the Oxford circuit : a litigious fellow 
 of an attorney brought an action against a farmer for 
 having called him a lawyer. An old husbandman 
 being a witness, was asked if he heard the man call 
 him a lawyer? " I did," was the reply. " Pray," 
 says Sir George, " what is your opinion of the import 
 of that word?" " There can be no doubt of that," 
 replied the farmer. " Why, my good man, * said Sir 
 George, " there is no dishonour in the name, think' 
 you, is there ?" •' I know nothing about that," an- 
 swered he ; " but this I do know, if any man called 
 me a lawyer, I'd knock him down." " Why, sir," 
 said Sir George, pointing to one of the counsel, 
 " that gentleman is a lawyer, and that, and that anc 
 I am a lawyer." "No, no, no;" replied the farmer 
 " You be aji'Age, I know, but you be no lawyer !" 
 
 Peace and war. 
 
 An Irish gentleman once remarked in the ttouse 
 
 of Commons, that the French were the most restless 
 
 nation in the universe, adding very pointedly, "they 
 
 will never be at peace till they are engaged in tror."
 
 144 THE ABBE BEAUFREMONr. 
 
 Determined to stick to him. 
 A drum major threatening one of his pupils, who 
 was rather of the duncified order, to lay the drum- 
 sticks across his back. One of his comrades replied, 
 " Oh, then 1 see you're determined to stick to him." 
 
 The Abbe Beaufremont. 
 
 The Abbe Beaufremont, of Scey-sur-Soane in 
 France, although always followed by numerous ser- 
 vants, stately horses, and brilliant carriages, loved in 
 his odd way to steal often from the lustre which at- 
 tended him. 
 
 One day, in a Joarney towards Lorraine, dressed 
 almost like a country curate, with his cassock trussed 
 up, coarse worsted stockings, and thick shoes, with 
 a large staff in his hand, he had got two or three 
 hoursjourney before hss attendants. He arrives at 
 an inn, enters the kitchen, where his appearanee 
 occasioned no great sensation. In an upper room, 
 four officers, petit maitres belonging to the regi- 
 trent Du Roi, were prattling to the servant maids, 
 in waiting for their dinner, which occupied, and al- 
 most distracted the landlady. The Abbe Reaufre- 
 mont inquires if there be any one in the ian with 
 whom he may dine. The landlady, looking at him 
 oyer her shoulder, answers that there are only four 
 gentlemen in the house, but if he will wait a little, 
 some carriers were expected, with whom he may sit 
 at table. Beaufremont, who saw an adventure in 
 this, desires a maid to request permission from the 
 officers to admit him to their mess. The maid goes 
 up, and descrioes the personage; the officers, wish- 
 ing to divert themselves at the expence of so odd an 
 inmate, consent. Beaufremont appears, is taken 
 for a country curate or a village schoolnraster, and ia 
 receired with epigiams and false compliments. The 
 malicious Abbe proiongs the mistake by an assumed
 
 AN ACTING APOSTLE. Ho 
 
 simplicity. They sit down to table — the worst 
 pieces are put on his piate ; his niece is spoken of; 
 ne is rallied on his connexion with his servant maid 
 — in short, he is treated with every impertinence in 
 which such fops abound. His patience, and the 
 wine, increase their petulance. The desert comes 
 in. The Abbe's nose was a little long, and receives 
 many a fillip. At length he hears a noise in the 
 yard; his equipatje has arrived. He steps down on 
 some pretext, and returns with three pair of lacqueys 
 each armed with a cudgel. Treat these gentlemen to 
 dance, in reward for the fillips given to my nose. 
 Our petit maitres exclaim warmly, but are com- 
 pletely well cudgelled. This being over, the Abbe 
 says to them, laughing, " Step down, gentlemen, 
 and pay your reckoning; and you may boast to your 
 friends that you have dined with the Abbe Beaufre- 
 mont." 
 
 An acting aposile. 
 Two sailors on board a man of war, over their grog 
 happened to have a sort of religious dispute. One 
 of them referred to the apostle Paul. " He was no 
 apostle," said the other in a triumph. The question 
 was left to the boatswain's mate, who after ponder- 
 ing upon it for some time, gravely replied, " That 
 Paul was certainly never rated as apostle upon the 
 books, because he is not in the list, which consisted 
 only of twelve; but then he was an acting apostle, 
 employed upon special duty." 
 
 Wtwitzer and the candles. 
 Ralph Wewitzer going to order some candles, told 
 the tallow-chandler that he hoped they would be 
 better than the last he had from him. "' I beg par- 
 don, sir," said the man, " I thought the last I sent 
 you were remarkably good — what was their fault '" 
 " Why they all burnt very well down to the middle.
 
 146 RIGID r.CONOMY. 
 
 but after that, none of them would bv.rn any hi\ 
 ger." 
 
 Epigram. 
 Friend Thomas, I have seen your sponae. 
 
 And never saw a plainer creature ; 
 And as for you, the world allows 
 
 Your face has scarce a human feature. 
 Say then, what method you pursue — 
 
 Your boys are loves, your girls are graces. 
 " Why, madam, they'd be ugly too, 
 
 If we begot them with our/aces /" 
 
 Rigid economy. 
 At the battle of Trafalgar a brave, but economici 
 seaman had his leg separated from hia thigh by 
 cannon-ball, just at the knee. Some of his shij 
 mates had taken up Jack's leg, and were going 1 
 throw it overboard, when he called out, " Ava 
 there ! you may do what you please with the leg.bi 
 give me the silver buckle out of the shoes." 
 
 To a had fiddler . 
 Old Orpheus played so well, he mov'd Old Nick, 
 Whilst thou movest nothing but thy fiddlestick. 
 
 New reading of the Articles'of War. 
 A drummer, who according to military custo 
 was ordered to flog a soldier, in execution of tl 
 sentence of a court martial, posiiivelv refused to c 
 so, alleging that the office did not belong to hir 
 as he could prove by the articles of war. The mil 
 tary code was consequently brought, and the drun 
 mer turned with an air of triumph to that particul 
 Article which declared that all persons guilty of tl 
 offence m- question should receive corporal punisl 
 ment. " You see, (said he) that it is the corpcrai 
 duty and not mine."
 
 ATtORNIES. 147 
 
 Be ITS, 
 
 A gentleman hearing a parson preach upon tht 
 story of the children being devoured by two she- 
 bears, who reviled the old man, and not much liking 
 the sermon, some time after seeing the same parson 
 come into the pulpit to preach at another church, 
 "Oh.oh^ (said he) what you are here with your 
 bears again !" 
 
 Atfornies. 
 A gentleman in the country who had just buried 
 a rich relation, an attorney, was comjplaining to 
 Foote of the very great expenses of a country fune- 
 ral. " Why, do you bury your attornies here ?" ask- 
 ed Foote gravely. "Yea, to be sure we do — how 
 else?" " Oh, we never do that in London." "No, 
 (said the other, much surprised) how do you ma- 
 nage?" " Why, when the patient happens to die, 
 we lay him out overnight in a room by himself, lock 
 up the door, throw up the sash, and in the morning 
 he is entirely off." " Indeed ! (cried the other in 
 amazement) what then becomes of him ?" " Why, 
 we cannot tell, not being acquainted withsuperna- 
 ttiral causes. All that we know of the matter is, 
 there Is a strong smell of brimstone in the room next 
 morning." 
 
 Ragged and Tough. 
 A poor dirty shoe-boy going into a church one 
 Sunday evening, and seeing the parish bnysstanding 
 in a row upon a bench to be catechized, he got up 
 himself, and stood in the very first place; so the 
 parson, of course -beginning with him, asked him 
 what was his name? "Ragged and Tough," an- 
 •wered he. •' Who gave you that name V demanded 
 Dominie. " Why the boys in our alley, (replied 
 poor Ragged and Tough) and be hanged to them I" 
 
 G
 
 148 A FAIR RETORT. 
 
 An inch and an ell. 
 It having been proved on a trial at Guildhall that 
 a man's name was really Inch, who pretended it was 
 Linch — " I see, (said the judge) the old proverb is 
 verified in this man — if we allow hira antnc/i, he will 
 take an L." 
 
 A fair retort. 
 
 A very loquacious female witness, whom the op- 
 posing counsel could not silence, so far kept him at 
 bay. that by way of brow-beating her, he exclaimed, 
 •' Why, woman, there is brass enough in your face to 
 make a kettle !" "And sauce enough in yours to 
 fill it," she promptly rejoined. 
 
 New Guide for Dramatic Aidlwrs. 
 All comedies end in a reconciliation or a marriage 
 —all tragedies end in a death , but the best and most 
 popular of dramatic poems is that where tragedy and 
 comedy are combined; where the four first acts por- 
 tend nothing but blood and misery, and the fifth, to 
 the astonishment and delight of every philanthro- 
 pist, rescues the sufferers from their threatened cala- 
 mities, and leaves them happily in a house in Gros- 
 venor square, with thirty thousand a-year. Now, 
 whenever you have determined which of these to 
 write, be under no uneasiness as to your plot; for, 
 strange as it may appear to those who look only upon 
 the surface, there is not in reality any difference in 
 the plots of auy two tragedies, or any two comedies, 
 or any two half-and-halfs you mention. Three first 
 acts — a gallant lover hindered by. adverse circum- 
 stances (a tyrant, a father, a powerful rival, or some 
 other monster) from the completion of his happi- 
 ness ; a young lady sighing through some scenes and 
 storming through others ; a confidant of the hero, 
 generally false ; a confidante of the heroine, gene-
 
 NO PLOT. 149 
 
 rally faithful; two or three brutes, two or three noo- 
 dles, occasional quarrels, and one or two declarations 
 of love trenching very closely on the improper. 
 Fourth act — a glimpse of' hope. The hero distin- 
 guishes himself in a fight, softens the father, or ba- 
 nishes the rival ; confidant in a passion at the failure 
 of his designs and the apparent prosperity of his 
 friend; confidante radiant with joy, and in immedi- 
 ate anticipation of the bride-cake. Fifth act — clouds 
 again. Confidant successful, but murdered by the 
 infuriate hero in the midst of his triumph ; suicide 
 of the hero, broken heart of the heroine, misery of 
 the father, and fall of the curtain . 
 
 In comedy it is nearly the same. A fine hand- 
 some young fellow, kept out of his estate by the ma- 
 chinations of some attorney-minded rivals, and ad- 
 mitted to his lady-love's presence by the acuteness 
 of hisservant — a boasting captain — a clever chamber- 
 maid — a ridiculous aunt and passionate guardian ; 
 these, with the usual number of changes of dress, 
 rope-ladders, and pistol-firings, constitute the 
 whole plot, beginning with a quarrel, and ending 
 with a wedding. 
 
 In short, in holding the mirror up to Nature you 
 must hold it upside down, or as the easiest way of all, 
 holdup one that has no quicksilver at the back — the 
 audience then, instead of seeing themselves, see 
 nothing but the actors. One great requisite L must 
 impress upon your attention — write for the actors, 
 and snap your fingers at the audience. 
 
 No plot. 
 
 When Colonel Mottley, who was a great favourite 
 with King James the Second, came over on a secret 
 expedition from the abdicated monarch, the govern- 
 ment, who had intelligence of it, were very diligent 
 in their endeavours to have him seized. The colo- 
 nel, however, was happy enough to elude theii 
 G 2
 
 150 CONSEQUENCE. 
 
 search ; but several other persons were at different 
 times seized through mistake for him . 
 
 Among the rest, it being well known that he fre- 
 quently supped at the Blue Posts Tavern in the 
 Haymarket, with one Mr. Tredeuham, a Cornish 
 gentleman, particular orders were given for search- 
 ing the house. Colonel Motley, however, not hap- 
 pening to be there; the messengers found Mr. Tre- 
 denham alone, and with a heapof papers before him. 
 These and himself they seized and carried before the 
 Earl of Nottingham, then Secetary of State. His 
 lordship, who could not fail but know him, as he was 
 a member of the House of Commons and nephew to 
 the famous Sir Edward Seymour, asked him what all 
 those papers contained. Mr. Tredenham made an- 
 swer that they were only the several scenes of a play 
 which he had been scribbling for the amusement of 
 a few leisure hours, upon which Lord Nottingham 
 requested just to look over them, which having done, 
 he returned them again to the author, assuring him 
 that he was perfectly satisfied — for, " upon my word, 
 (^said he) I see no plot in iheni.'''' 
 
 Consequence. 
 A lady who gave herself a great many airs, and 
 supposed herself of much more consequence than 
 any one else thought her, being one time in company 
 with a very witty person, was willing to impress 
 him with some idea of the same. " Sir," said she, 
 addressing her discourse to him, " when 1 was get- 
 ting into the stage to come down to this place, there 
 were three young men in it, who were so struck 
 with my appearance that they instantly got out to 
 give me the choiceof the seats." " Indeed, madam, 
 (said the wit) they could not have done more for you 
 if ijQuhad had the plnqve .'" 
 
 Chancellor, 
 •'It is curious," said a gentleman, after a large din-
 
 A PUN DESPERATE. l.?l 
 
 ner, when sitting over the n-ine, " that as the lavrs 
 sre so clearly laid down, and so amply explained by 
 numerous commentators, that the judgments seem 
 to be giren to the wroncr parties, and the verdicts in 
 many instances extremely improper." " You would 
 notconsider it at all curious, (replied a person sit- 
 tine opposite him) if you would but consider that 
 the tirst lawyer of England is the greatest chance- 
 seller in Great Britain." 
 
 A pun desperate. 
 
 Two gentlemen entering a cottage in Monmouth 
 last summer, one of them observed the branches of 
 a tree entering inside the roof of the hut. " "What a 
 curirus sight," he remarked to his companion. 
 " Ves. (said the other) it is tree mend ^touse.^' (Tie** 
 meudous.) 
 
 A grateful pun. 
 
 " Oh," said Miss B., looking at a huge fire m the 
 middle of last winter, '• what a grate-full s'lghi !" 
 
 The Unkmsts. 
 
 Among the men, what dare divisions rise — 
 For " Union" one — " No Union" t'other cries. 
 Sh.ime on the sex that such dispute began — 
 Ladies are all for union — to a man ! 
 
 Clerical'vcit. 
 
 A clergyman in a small village in the North of En- 
 gland having inadvertently omitted during -the ser- 
 vice four out often of the commandmects, being jo- 
 cosely told of it at a friend's table where he dined, 
 vety drily observed, " that he had only eased them 
 of four of their burdens."
 
 l52 THE SIX PASTERS. 
 
 Let her have a capacity, cost what it may. 
 A common-councilman's lady, paying her daugh- 
 ter a visit at school, and enquiring what progress she 
 had made in her education, the governess answered, 
 "Pretty good, madam; miss is very attentive. If 
 she wants anything, it is a capacity — but for that de- 
 ficiency you know we must not blame her." " No, 
 madam, (replied the mother) but 1 blame you for not 
 having mentioned it before. Her father can afiFord 
 his daughter a capacity: and 1 beg she may have one 
 immediately, cost what it may .'" 
 
 The six Fasters. 
 The miser fasts because he will not eat — 
 The poor man fasts because he has no meat — 
 The rich man fasts, with greedy mind to spare— 
 The glutton fasts, to eat the greater share — 
 The hypocrite, he'fasts to seem more holy — 
 The righteous man. to punish sin and folly. 
 
 Short pipes. 
 Daniel Purcell. the famous jpunster, calling for 
 some pipes in a tavern, complained that they were 
 all too short. The waiter said they had no other, and 
 those had but just come in. " Aye, (said Daniel) it 
 is plain your master has not bought them very long.'* 
 
 Ready wit. 
 A celebrated punster was desired by a gentleman 
 in company to make a pun extempore. " Upon 
 ■what subject?" enquired he. " The Queen," an- 
 swered the other. " Sir, (replied he) the Queen is no 
 subject." 
 
 Epitaph on a Country Parson. 
 Come, let us rejoice, merry hearts, at his fall— 
 For, egad ! if he'd liv'd, he'd have buried us all !
 
 9B. MONSEY AND HIS BANK NOTES. 153 
 
 Dr. Montey and his Bank Notes. 
 
 Dx, Monse}- was always strangely infatuated with 
 fears of the public funds, a bugbear that drove him 
 to risk his money on troublesome securities, and ul- 
 timately produced heavy losses. He used to speak 
 feelingly of a Welsh parson and a London attorney. 
 
 The Doctor was frequently anxious, in his absence 
 from his apartment, for a place of safety in which to 
 deposit his cash and notes — bureaus and strong 
 boxes he was conscious had often failed in security. 
 Previous to a journey to Norfolk, to visit his brother 
 and friends, during ths hot weather in July, he chose 
 the fire-place of his sitting room for his treasury, 
 and placed bank notes and cash to a considerable 
 amount in that unusual situation — in one corner, 
 under the cinders and shavings. 
 
 On his return after a month's absence, he found 
 his old woman (as he always called his housekeeper) 
 preparing to treat a friend or two with a cup of tea ; 
 and by way of showing respect for her guests, the 
 parlour (or master's sittmg-room) fireplace was cho- 
 sen to make the kettle boil, as she never expected 
 the doctor till she saw him. The fire had net long 
 been lighted, when her master arrived at the critical 
 moment. 
 
 When the doctor entered the room the company 
 had scarcely began tea. He ran across the room 
 like a madman, saying — " Harig it, you have ruined 
 me for ever — you have burned all my bank notes!" 
 First went the contents of the slop-basin — then the 
 tea-pot — then he rushed to the pump in the kitcheu 
 and brought a pail of water, which he threw partly 
 over the fire, and partly over the company, who in 
 the utmost consternation got out of the way as spee- 
 dily as possible. 
 
 His housekeeper, afterwards Mrs. Marriot, cried 
 out, •' For God's sake, sir, forbear — you will spoil
 
 154 DR. MONSEY AND HIS BANK NOTES. 
 
 the steel stove and fire irons." " Damn the fire 
 irons, you, your company, and all ! You have ruined 
 and undone me for ever. You have burned my bank 
 notes !" 
 
 •' Lord, sir ! (said the half drowned woman) 
 who'd think of putting bank notes in a Bath stove 
 where the fire is ready laid ?"' Almost frantic he 
 roared out — " Who'd think of making a fire in the 
 summer time, where there has not been one for these 
 several months?" 
 
 He then pulled out all the coals and cinders, and 
 at one corner he found the remains of his bank 
 notes, for being twice folded, one quarter of them so 
 doubled was entire, so as to be legible. 
 
 Next day Dr. Monsey went to Lord Godolphin's, 
 told his lordship the story, producing the remains 
 of the notes, and with such energetic gestures as 
 greatly diverted the noble lord. He told the Doc- 
 tor that he would go with him to the Bank the next 
 day and get the cash for him through his influence, 
 and would be collateral security for the Doctor's in- 
 tegrity and honesty as to their value. 
 
 Lord Godolphin having occasion to see the King 
 that day on business, told his majesty the story of 
 Monsey and his bank notes. Being well acquainted 
 •with the Doctor's strange character, the King re- 
 solved to go to Lord Godolphin's the next morning, 
 and conceal himself in a closet. When Monsey 
 came it was agreed that Lord Godolphin should ask 
 him to repeat the story, which upon his arrival was 
 eff'ected. 
 
 His majesty was so highly diverted, that in at- 
 tempting to stifle the mirth it excited, and to with- 
 draw unperceived, he stumbled and the closet door 
 opened. 
 
 Tie Doctor was much chagrined with Lord Go- 
 dolphin for creating a laugh at his expence, and be- 
 gan to exclaim, " God d " when his majesty ap-
 
 DR. MONSEY AND HIS BANK NOTES. \^5 
 
 peared, and on seeing him the doctor continued — 
 " bless your majesty I this may be a joke with you 
 and his lordship, but with me a loss of nearly four 
 hundred pounds." 
 
 "No, no," repli d Lord Godolphin; " for I am 
 ready to go with you immediately and get your notes 
 renewed, or the money for them." 
 
 Lord Godolphin ordered his carriage and agreed to 
 meet the Doctor at the room in the Bank, where 
 some of the Directors daily attended. 
 
 The Doctor having to go to the Horse Guards on 
 business, took water at Whitehall for the Bank. In 
 going down the river his curiosity excited him to 
 pull out his pocket-book to see if the remains of his 
 n<^tes were safe, when a sudden pufF of wind blew 
 them out of his pocket-book into the river. 
 
 "Put back! put back !" cried the doctor : "my 
 bank notes are overboard!" 
 
 He was instantly obeyed; and when they reached 
 them he took his hat and dipped it into the water — 
 inclosing the notes, and a hat full of water. In this 
 state he put it under his arm, and detired to be set 
 on shore immediately. 
 
 He made his way to the Bank with all speed, and 
 wai, shewn into the room where Lord Godolphin had 
 just^efore arrived, and had given notice of Doctor 
 Monsey's coming. 
 
 *^ \N hat have you under your arm?" enquired his 
 lordship. 
 
 " The damned not^s," replied the doctor ; throw- 
 ing the hat with its contents on the table among all 
 their books and papers; and with such a force as to 
 scatter the water in the faces of all who were stand- 
 ing near it, " There I" said the Doctor — " take the 
 remainder of your cursed notes, for neither fire nor 
 water will consume them!" 
 
 Doctor Monsey received gold for his notf^s. and 
 the alia i was thus concluded pleasantly rnou"h, 
 G 3 ■ '
 
 156 RELATED BY MARRIAGE. 
 
 Catching vnld geese. 
 
 An Irishman much accustomed to marvellous nar- 
 rations, and also attached to sporting, was one d»y 
 silenced by a gentleman presenting him with the 
 following method of catching wild geese :— 
 
 " Tie a cord to the tail of an eel and throw it in the 
 fens where the geese haunt. One of the geese swal- 
 lowing this slippery bait, it runs through him and is 
 swallowed by a second and third, and so on till the 
 cord is quite full." 
 
 A person once caught so many in this way, that 
 they actually flew away with him. 
 
 Related by marriage. 
 Loud brayed an ass — cried Kate, to jeer 
 
 Her spouse with eiddy carriage— 
 *'■ One of your relatives I hear ;" 
 
 " Yes, love," said he, " bymarriage T* 
 
 Eetaliation. 
 " Please Mr. Lapstone, your doghas given mesich 
 a bite." "Has he, sir ? then you bite him again." 
 
 A barefaced lawyer. 
 A barrister observed to a learned brother in court, 
 that his whiskers were very unprofessional. " You 
 are right," replied his friend ; " a lawyer cannot be 
 too bare-faced." 
 
 A compliment. 
 When Haydn was in England, Sir Joshua Rey- 
 nolds had just taken the portrait of Mrs. Billington 
 in the character of St. Cecilia, listening to the celes- • 
 tial music, as she is usually drawn. Sir Joshua . 
 showed the picture to Haydn. " It is like," said 
 Haydn; " but there is a strange mistake." "What, 
 iithat?" asked Sir Joshua Reynolds hastily. "You ■
 
 151 
 
 DINNER DELIGHTS. 
 
 nave painted her listening to the angels — you ought 
 to hare represented the angels listening to her." 
 
 Reason for not shooting. 
 The father of Mr. Listen, the celebrated comic ac- 
 tor, once quarrelled with a man who wanted to light 
 with pistols; but the old gentleman replied — "No; 
 I once shot London Bridge, and you shall never 
 catch me shooting any more." 
 
 Dinner delights. 
 " We ought to have dined at five, (said Mrs. Flump) 
 
 it now past six is — 
 That filthy Mr. Creep, you know, ne'er keeps the 
 
 hour he fixes — 
 And the Pendulums you're well aware are always so 
 
 uncertain" — 
 (Quoth the wrathful lady to her spouse, without his 
 
 temper hurting ) 
 
 " I can't think why such folks are asked — (resumed 
 
 the peevish consort) — 
 When you know that we've for dinner many dishes 
 
 more than one sort, 
 And Barbara has prick'd her thumb, and t'other 
 
 maid's the mumps too" — 
 When at the door the party knock with pretty many 
 
 thumps too. 
 
 They rush into the parlour with apologies and curt- 
 sies 
 
 To all and each ; the dinner comes, and Mr. Flump 
 averts his 
 
 Attention from the group to what his servants are 
 about. 
 
 And begs the ladies to set in as everything's set out 
 
 For the sake of manners I must beg to introduce you 
 shortly
 
 1-^8 DINxNER DELIGHTS. 
 
 To all the th' assembled company, and first to Doc- 
 tor Portly— 
 
 A fat and shrewd physician, who declared it deadly 
 treason 
 
 For any one (expect himself) to eat of all in season. 
 
 The next is Mrs. Pendulum with her daughters two 
 
 about her. 
 (The widow of a watchmaker) then Miss Jemima 
 
 Pouter, 
 With Mr. Cramp the dancing-master, Mr. Nib the 
 
 framer 
 Of verses to a lady.but he doesn't choose to name her. 
 
 '• Come Mrs. P. I recommend a little gravy soup, or 
 A slice of salmon" — "Hand my plate — why Sal you're 
 
 in a stupor ! 
 1 really think that Mr. Cramp your heart has been 
 
 purloining." 
 •' A piece of liver. Miss Jemima" — " Now bring the 
 
 sirloin in." 
 
 ** See Mr. Flump, 'tis done to rags." " My dear, 
 
 'twill take less carving." 
 "I fear your lady's ill to-day" — '• Some vinegar" — 
 
 " Fm starving 
 For you've sent me nothing Mrs. Flump but " 
 
 " Universal Sauce." 
 The dancing-master reaches wine — Sal whispers, 
 
 " Hands across." 
 
 The gentlemen were saying every soft thing they 
 
 could utter 
 To all the listening ladies, when old Portly roared 
 
 out " Butter !" 
 'Twas brought, but in the moment of his greasy joke 
 
 explaining, 
 Nib's nimble elbow turned it over, down the doctor 
 
 draining.
 
 DINNER DELIGHTS. 159 
 
 " The deuce fetch every fool !" exclaimed the fried 
 
 physician reeking — 
 " The doctors would be starved," cried Nib. The 
 
 ladies fall a squeaking — 
 "How pale Miss Blanch has turned" — "Blanc 
 
 mange!" How fright good looks will rifle — 
 " My dear, do you prefer with ''At. Cramp to have 
 
 some — trifle?" 
 
 Now ladies rise, and leave their lords to politics and 
 
 claret, 
 While they attack each countenance and never think 
 
 to spare it , 
 " How charming Mr. Nib's hair curls" — " But Mr. 
 
 Creep's how lankv" — 
 " Yes, and I think the Doctor's nose curls" — "Pretty 
 
 well, I thank ye-" 
 
 Til stamps a servant with the tea, and many an oily 
 
 muffin — 
 The dog is trod on, and instead of coaxing gets 
 
 cuffing ; 
 No gentlemen of course come up till tea is getting 
 
 chilly, 
 And when they do, their talk is rather bordering oa 
 
 the silly. 
 
 One bumps upon the sofa, one discourses on the 
 weather — 
 
 One flies to take a lady's cup, as if he'd heels of fea- 
 ther; 
 
 One looks and softly smiles, although to speak he's 
 fairly daunted — 
 
 One out of pure politeness gobbles twice as much as 
 wanted. 
 
 ** Miss Pouter, treat us with a song" — " 'Tis hot, we 
 
 want an air'' — 
 " Your pia7io is your forte you know — the music's on 
 
 the chair.
 
 160 ANGER KEEPS MEN POOR, 
 
 So Miss Pouter charms her hearers, though she make* 
 
 such curious faces 
 With fingering, that many say they mark more aira 
 
 than graces. 
 
 The old ones take to whist, while all the younger 
 
 ones are quavering; 
 " Da Capo" — " Deal again" — are heard, of each 
 
 amusement savouring : 
 The former prate of " Honours," known perhaps but 
 
 in their preaching — 
 The latter tip us " Love," which they imagine lies in 
 
 screeching. 
 
 Now cards and crotchets thrown away, the mistress 
 
 waves her hand, which 
 Is a stern sign for Mr. Flump to order in a sandwich. 
 So, after they have nibbled ham, and sipped a glass 
 
 of negus, 
 To take their leaves, and hats, and cloaks, no longer 
 
 to fatigue us. 
 
 The Doctor ties his throat, the ladies tie each nose 
 
 up tight, 
 And sigh from out a corner for the dampness of the 
 
 night ; 
 Yet some think their attendant squires so gallant and 
 
 so pleasing, 
 That they'd gad again to-morrow night, and run the 
 
 risk of wheezing. 
 
 Anger Tceeps men poor. 
 A courtier of Queen Elizabeth's, whom she had 
 long encouraged to hope for some favour, vexed at 
 repeated disappointments, was one morning walking 
 pensivelv in her garden, when her majesty, calling 
 to him from a window, said — " Sir Edward, what 
 does a man think of when he thinks of nothing ?"
 
 THE TRICKED MONKS. 161 
 
 The knight, after a little pause, with a Tery low bow 
 answered — *' Of a worran's promise, madam." The 
 Queen, who was moved at this reply, drawing in- 
 stantly back, said to those about her — " I must not 
 confute him; anger makes dull men witty, but it 
 keeps them poor." 
 
 The tricked Monks. 
 
 A certain friar in a Convent of the Benedictine 
 Order found means to procure, besides plenty of 
 good wine, a certain number of dishes extremely 
 nice and well seasoned, several of which were ex- 
 pressly forbidden by the Institutions of the order ; 
 and he invited a select party of brothers to partake 
 of his fare. As they could not with any degree of 
 safety carry on the entertainment in the cell of any 
 one of them, they thought of repairing to one of the 
 cellars of the house, where they hid themselves in 
 one of those wide and shallow tuns (about eight or 
 nine feet in diameter, and three or four feet deep) 
 which serve in the making of the wines. 
 
 The abbot in the mean time missing so many of 
 the monks from the convent, went in search ofthem 
 through all the different apartments: being unable 
 to find them, he at last went down into the cellars, 
 and soon perceived whereabout they lay. He step- 
 ped up to the place, and on a sudden made his ap- 
 pearanceover the edge of the tun. The monks were 
 prodigiously alarmed at the unexpected a,ppearance 
 of the abbot, and there was none among them but 
 would gladly have compromised the affair by giving 
 up his remaining share of the entertainment and 
 submitting to instant dismission. But the abbot, 
 contrary to all hope, put on a mild and cheerful look. 
 He kindly expostulated with the monks on their ha- 
 ving made a secret of the affair to him — expressed 
 the great pleasure it would have been to him to be 
 one of their party ; and added that he should be sti 11
 
 162 THE TRICKED MCNKS. 
 
 very glad to oe admitted to partake of the entertain- 
 ment. The monks answered by all means. The ab- 
 bot thereupon leaped into the tun — sat down among 
 them — partook of their excellent wine and well-sea- 
 soned d shes with the greatest freedom, in just the 
 same manner it is said the late Sir James Lowther 
 would of the dinner of his servants in his own 
 kitchen ; and in short, spent an hour or two with 
 them in the tun in the most agreeable and comforta- 
 ble manner. 
 
 At length the abbot thought proper to withdraw; 
 and as soon as he had taken his leave some of the 
 monks began to admire his extraordinary condescen- 
 sion; while the others were not without fears that 
 it foreboded some misfortune. Indeed, the latter 
 were in the risht ; for the reader must not think that 
 the abbot had acted in the manner described out of 
 any sudden temptation he had felt at the jollity of 
 the friars, or of the dainties that composed their en- 
 terta'nment: byno means: his design had only been 
 by thus making himself guilty along wiih them, to 
 be th( better able to shew them afterwards the way 
 to repentance, and thereby derive good from evil. In 
 fact the next day a Chapter having been summoned, 
 the abbot desired the Prior to fill his place, while 
 himself took his seat among the rest of the monks. 
 Soon after the Chapter was met, he stepped forward 
 into the midst of the assembly, accused himself of 
 the sin he had committed the day before, and re- 
 quested that discipline might be inflicted upon him. 
 The Prior objected much to a discipline being in- 
 flicted on the abbot; but the latter having insisted, 
 his request was complied with. The other monks 
 were atfirst greatly astonished; but seeing no pos- 
 sibilitv of keepins' back on that occasion, they step- 
 ped 'into the middle of the Chapter, and likewise 
 confessed their sin '. when the abbot, by means of a 
 proper person whom he had solicited for that pur- 
 
 \
 
 CLERICAL LINGUIST. 163 
 
 pose, cot a lusty discipline to be inflicted on every 
 3ne of his fellow banqueters. 
 
 Rustic sense, 
 A plain country yeoman, bringing his daughter up 
 to town, said, for all she was brought up in the coun- 
 try, she was a girl of sense. " Yes, (said a pert 
 young female in company) country sense." "Why, 
 faith, madam, (said the countryman) country sense 
 is sometimes better than London impudence." 
 
 Clerical linguist. 
 A cur6 of a large city in France was obliged, upon 
 a certain festival day, to reply to a Latin discourse, 
 but as he did not understand that language, he ma- 
 naged to get out of the scrape by observing, " The 
 apostles, sir, spoke many languages; you have just 
 addressed me in Latin, and I am going to answer you 
 in French, " 
 
 An elucidation. 
 
 On the evening before a battle, an officer came to 
 Field Marshal de Toiras, and asked permission to vi- 
 sit his father — who, he said, was at the point of 
 death, and therefore he wished to pay him his last 
 duties. " Go," replied the General — who clearly 
 perceived the true motive for this request — " Ho- 
 nour thy father and thy mother — that thy days may 
 be Icng in the land .'" 
 
 A cheap husband. 
 
 A young servant girl, who had conducted herself 
 very much to the satisfaction of her mistress, was 
 presented by her with five pounds, to serve as a mar- 
 riage portion. Some time after her mistress desired 
 to see the lover. He was ugly and mis-shapen. 
 *' My good lass," said the lady, " what a comical
 
 164 BEGGARS WANTED. 
 
 husband you have chosen I" " Ah, madam," replied i 
 the girl withmnch simplicity, "what can one expect I 
 to get for five pounds ?" j 
 
 Curious bequest. i 
 
 The will of a gentleman— which some time since 
 became the subject of litigation, contained the fol- 
 lowing bequest : — " I give to my only son William— 
 who is at Eton, and intended for holy orders — my 
 five year old Beelzebub mare." 1 
 
 I 
 
 Advertisements. — Beggars wanted. \ 
 
 A few respectablo men (with wooden legs) may 
 hear of eligible stations in the neighbourhoods of 
 Dulwich, Greenwich, and Chelsea. To any one ha- 
 ving lost an eye as well, this advertisement is doubly 
 available, being one the blind should not lose sight 
 of, 
 
 A man who has good convulsion fits may hear of 
 an opening. He must find his own soap for lather 
 and foam, and keep sober. 
 
 A lady to match — if pretty, would be preferred. 
 
 An orphan family (five or six) the father having 
 committed suicide, and the mother died of a broken 
 heart. 
 
 A blind woman that can do needle-work — real or 
 feigned will do. 
 
 Industrious and strong men may hear of some very 
 muddy crossings, now for sale, on private contract. 
 
 Pretty girls, from 16 upwards) will be provided 
 with rags and matches on liberal terms. The pale 
 and interesting preferred. The proprietor will, of 
 course, take a profit from any contingencies which. 
 aiay arise. 
 
 Twins, six weeks old to let out at six shillings per 
 day. The parties hiring must find their ownDalby's 
 or laudanum, to make the babies sleep during the 
 day.
 
 THE TWO BAKERS. 165 
 
 An idiot, eighteen years old, with an uncommon 
 large he«d, who can't walk, may be carried out at 
 three shillings per day. 
 
 An old man, who has a good palsy — a woman wilb 
 St. Vitus's dance — and a child with a hooping-cougb, 
 may hear of eligible appointments. 
 
 Dogs for the blind, hurdy-gurdys, and organs, on 
 moderate terms. Pictures of slavery for black gen- 
 tlemen, and Greens for frozen-out gardeners. Bal- 
 lads of all kinds. Crutches, &c. (fcc. either sold or 
 lent. 
 
 The Two Bakers. 
 
 "When the British were in possession of some part 
 of St. Domingo, it was reported that a baker in the 
 island had mixed poison with the bread that was to 
 be distributed to the English forces. 
 
 This rumour happily obtained that degree of cre- 
 dit which it merited: the fact was ascertained ere 
 any of the bread had been divided amongst the 
 troops, and the horrid calamitv which otherwise 
 m-ghthave been produced was thereby prevented. 
 
 To bring the delinquent to punishment was now 
 the just and general wish of the army, and a detach 
 ment of cavalry was consequently dispatched to 
 surround his residence, and secure his person. 
 
 The culprit not being apprised of the discovery 
 that had been made, wss easily taken ; and walking 
 him between their horses, the ioldierswere soon seen 
 conducting him to their commanding officer. 
 
 That he should escape from so formidable an es- 
 cort appeared impossible; but ditficult as such a 
 measure seemed, he eflfected it in the following 
 manner : — 
 
 Guilt had already whispered to him the real cause 
 of his apprehension, and that nothing short of death 
 would be his punishment should he be brouglit to 
 trial, (for the English, he was convinced, would oat
 
 166 THE TWO BAKERS. 
 
 take away his life unheard) he was not slow in anti- 
 cipating. 
 
 He therefore speedily determined to make a des- 
 perate attempt to free himself from the soldiny, 
 thovxgh he knew it must be done at the extreme ha- 
 zard of being cut down by their sabres. 
 
 Thus resolved, in passing some houses in their 
 way, as he was not confined to the trappings of any 
 of the dragoon horses, he suddenly darted from be- 
 hind some of them, and under the heads of others, 
 crossing to and entering one of the opposite build- 
 ings- ^he sabres of the dragoons were fruitlessly 
 ain'.ed at his life — all of them dropped short of their 
 object. \\ ith suitable celerity, however, various of 
 them dismounted and pursued him into the house 
 where he had fled for refuge. 
 
 It so happened that the lower part of the dwelling 
 into which the diabolical miscreant had entered was 
 also used as a baker's shop ; the proprietor of which 
 became so extremely alarmedat the sudden and rapid 
 approach of the military, that suspecting he had 
 himself done a something to bring the fury of their 
 resentment upon him, (not having observed the man 
 enter his premises whom they were pursuing) he 
 made an effort to escape them, through the medium 
 of the window. It was evening, but he was presently 
 discovered and secured by the soldiers without, be- 
 lieving him to be the very person that had previously 
 fled from them, announced his re-capture to their 
 comrades, all of whom return 'd from the house, re- 
 mounted their horses, and set off with him without 
 discovering their mistake. 
 
 The next morning the supposed delinquent was 
 ,rled by a court martial at the drum head. His pro- 
 .estations of innocence were useless : trie corrobo- 
 ative proofs of his guilt were apparently too strong 
 To admit of any doubts on the subject; and, in the 
 n-iUit, he waf sentenced, as the crime war, of so
 
 THE TWO BAKERS. 167 
 
 damnable a description, to be fixed to the muzzle of 
 a cannon, and his body scattered in atoms in the air. 
 
 The court martial was no sooner at an end, than 
 preparations commenced for the execution. The 
 military, in solemn array, were presently drawn out 
 to meet his death, and the trembling victim, fast 
 bound with cords, convulsed with fear and horrid 
 expectation, at the muzzle of a twelve-pounder, 
 awaited his doom. 
 
 The signal was at Ipngth given — the sparkling 
 fuze was raised to discharge the gun — a shriek of 
 terror from the wretched man pierced the air, and 
 the tremendous explosion the next instant shook 
 the earth. 
 
 Silence, solemn and complete noTr for an instant 
 prevailed. 
 
 As the smoke began to clear away, and the gun 
 could once more be distinctly seen, the astonishment 
 which pervaded all present words are inadequate to 
 express, for unhurt, even in the slightestdegree, the 
 trembling object they had intended to destroy, was 
 yet standing in the identical position in which he 
 had been placed ! 
 
 The first effect of the general surprise-being some- 
 what diminished, an officer advanced to the wretched 
 captive, " 1 am innocent 1" he exclaimed " God 
 knows my innocence, and has saved me ; then, for 
 the sake of God, seek not to injurean innocentman, 
 but lend him your protection and support " 
 
 On examination, it was found that the cords which 
 confined him had not been drawn so tufficiently 
 tight, but that, in his convulsive agoivo* the man, 
 as the fuze was about to be applied for his destruc- 
 tion, had an opportunity of twisting himself to the 
 right of the muzzle of the gun, and thereby, of pre- 
 sprving his life. 
 
 Such a miraculous escape, however, could but be 
 considered, at the instant, as a singular intervention
 
 168 GONE TO POT. 
 
 of Providence to save the guiltless. The execution 
 was delayed, the error of the military the next day 
 discovered, the real delinquent eventually detected, 
 tried, and executed; and the whole army rejoiced in 
 the deliverance of an innocent man. 
 
 Drunkenness^ 
 
 A gentleman complaining of a misfortune, attri- 
 buted it to a drunken sot (his man) who would not 
 keep himself sober. " With respect to your worship, 
 (said the fellow) there are very few drunken sots 
 who are sober." 
 
 Chne to pot. 
 
 A tailor, who lived near a church-yard in a 
 large town, used to count the number of funerals by 
 putting a stone into a pot, hung up in his shop for 
 that purpose. On his death taking place, his house 
 was shut; and, on enquiry, it was observed by a 
 next-door neighbour, that the tailor himself was 
 gone to pot. 
 
 A puzzling question. 
 A parson, thinking to banter an honest Quaker, 
 asked him where his religion wasbefore George Fox 
 flourished. ""Where was thine (said the Quaker) 
 before Harry Tudor's time ? Now thee hast been 
 free with me, (added the Quaker) pray let me ask 
 thee one question : — "Where was Jacob going when 
 he was turned ten years of age ? Canst thou tell 
 me that?" "No: nor you either, I believe." "Yes, 
 I can," replied the Quaker) " he was going into his 
 eleventh year, was he not ? 
 
 Deaths postponed. 
 In an American newspaper was the following pas- 
 sage : — " A number of deaths are unavoidally post- 
 pontd.^'
 
 MATRIMONIAL BLISS. 169 
 
 Negro logic. 
 A blacl' servant, not a hundred miles from St, An- 
 drew's, Scotland, bein? examined in the Church 
 Catechism by the minister of the parish, vrzs asked 
 — '-What are you made of, Jack ?"' he replied, " Of 
 mud, massa." On being told he shouM say, "Of 
 dust," he answered, " No, massa — it no do: it no 
 stick togedder." 
 
 Matrimonial bliss, or Mr. Chose and his rib. 
 Mr. Chose was gravely reading " The Pleasures oi 
 Matrimony" at one side of the fire, and ^^rs. Chose 
 sat darning old worsted stockings at the other. By 
 some untoward accident the fire-ircns were all en 
 Mrs. Chose's side. "My dear," said Mr. Chose, 
 " how miserable it makes me to gaze on anything 
 that is not uniform. Be kind enough, my dear, to 
 let me have the poker on my side.', Mrs. Chose, 
 who was busy taking a long stitch at the time, re- 
 plied, " I'll give it you presently, my love.'' "S'ay, 
 prithee, put me out of pain at once : 'tis absolutely 
 quite distressing to my eye. The fire-place looks 
 like a sow with one ear." "One fiddlestick! how 
 can you be so excessively whimsical ?" " How dc 
 you mean whimsical?" " Lord, man I don't be so 
 plaguy fidgetty !" " No, madam, I am no sucli 
 thin^;" " Pray, sir, don't put yourself in such a 
 fluster." " I tell you I am not in a fluster." " f. 
 say, sir, you are. For shame I how can you throw 
 yourself in such a passion?" " I in a passion I" 
 *• Yes, sir, you are." "'Tisfalsel" " 'Tis true 1" 
 " Madam, 'tis no such thing." " S'death, do you 
 think that I'll submit to such provoking language ?" 
 •'You shall submit." "1 won't." "You shall." 
 "I shan't." " I'll make yo'6." " You can't." "By 
 
 leavens, madam " " By heavens, sir, I " 
 
 " Hold y^ur tongue, Mrs. Chose." '' I won't, Mr. 
 Chote."
 
 170 FRENCH REVENGE. 
 
 At it they went ding dong, with poker and tonga. 
 The more he ranted, the more she raved ; till at last, 
 vying to outdo each other in provocation, the con- 
 tention run so high, that Mr. Chose declared he 
 would not live with Mrs. Chose an hour longer; 
 and Mrs. Chose declared that she would not sleep 
 another night beneath the same roof, much less in 
 the Same bed ! 
 
 " Madam," said the husband, " 'tis time that we 
 should part." " With all my heart," said the wife. 
 "Agreed I" said he. " Agreed!" echoed she. A 
 lawyer was absolutely sent for to draw up the arti- 
 cles of separation, but being a peace-loving, strife- 
 quelling sort of a man, he begged to hear the parti- 
 culars that led them to come to such a harsh conclu- 
 sion. He was ordered to proceed to business, but 
 obstinately persevered in his refusal. Addressing 
 himself to the husband, ne said, "Are you both 
 agreed upon a separation ?" "Yes, yes !" exclaimed 
 both parties. 
 
 "Well, sir, wh at ar..; y our reasons for so doing'" 
 " Sir, I can't inform you." " Madam, will you be so 
 kind as to acquaint me ?" " Indeed, sir, 1 cannot." 
 " As that is the case (said the peace-loving lawyer), 
 1 venture to pronounce your quarrel has originated 
 in something so frivolous, that you are both ashamed 
 to own it." 
 
 He urged the point so closely, that he at length 
 extorted the truth ; nor did he desist from his 
 friendly interference until he had the satisfaction to 
 re-establish the most perfect harmony. 
 
 Warned by his friendly admonitions, this wadded 
 couple grew more circumspect in their words, less 
 aggravating in their manners, and, in short, quite 
 left off wrangling, and lived happy. 
 
 French revenge. 
 London was lately visited by a Frenchman who
 
 A RAKE 8 LAKEKT. 171 
 
 toolc up his residence with a familyin theneighbour- 
 hnod of Brunswick-square. A {e\v evenings after 
 his arrival, he rode on horseback along the New 
 Road, and, on reaching the turnpike at Battle 
 Bridge, was stopped by the gate-keeper, who de- 
 manded from him the toll of one penny. Monsieur, 
 not comprehending the meaning of this exaction, 
 remonstrated strongly against it, and for sometime 
 refused to submit; but at length finding that his elo- 
 quence was of no avail, he threw down the penny in 
 a passion, at the same time exclaiming vehemently, 
 " Dere is your money, sare, and to ponish you, I vill 
 not come troo your pike again dis day." 
 
 A Rake's lament. 
 *' How, in the name of Heaven, 
 Did he rake all this out ?" Shakspeare 
 I've sigh'd heighJio in beauty's bowers, 
 
 Have been in love exceeding bold ; 
 And I have pluck'd the fairest flowers, 
 
 Of heavenly, not of earthly, mould. 
 But roses, lilies, all are now 
 
 Quite vanish'd, and I can but grieve 
 That I have made my parting bough, 
 And of the flowers taken leave. 
 
 Oh yes, indeed, I must forsake 
 
 The path I have been used to go ; 
 For, being such a wretched rake. 
 
 Has made me very much to hoe. 
 I've been a blade, 'tis very true, 
 
 That filthy lucre never hoarded; 
 And always ran my money through, 
 
 rhougli none can say that I was sircrded 
 
 I've been a traitor, too, from youth ; 
 
 For e'en were justice o'er me hovtriiig. 
 I always was, to teli the truth, 
 
 Exceeding prone to change a sovereign. 
 
 H
 
 172 A BAKE'S LAMKKT. 
 
 But soon, alas! the grinding law, 
 
 With its black clouds rush'd darkening o'er me- 
 And, oh ! one morning to my door, 
 
 Came one loith an attachment for vie. 
 
 The aspect of him quite, O Lord ! 
 
 Tended to frighten and unnerve me; 
 I trembled, for 1 felt assured 
 
 He had a strong desire to serve me. 
 What could I do ? I was inclined 
 
 By hook or crook, of course, to get off; 
 And straight it enter'd in my mind 
 
 To run away, and plead a Het-off, 
 
 But vain it was to try to elude 
 
 The bailiff, so I went up to him, 
 And though I was the party sued, 
 
 I straightway did resolve ^o sueJnm. 
 It was in vain; he showed his writ, 
 
 The Marshalsea was now my fate, 
 And there, barred up alone, I sit — 
 
 A wretched and despised in-grate ! 
 
 Yes, cashless now I am, and cold; 
 
 My stock of goods less daily grows ; 
 My little property is sold — 
 
 My wardrobe's coming to its clothes. 
 The world is now a game atchess, 
 
 To which 1 sigh that I was born ; 
 My chance to win each hour gets less, 
 
 So I must help it with a pawn. 
 
 When cruel fathers cast aside 
 
 Their wretched children by the dozen, 
 They in their uncles must confide. 
 
 Though almost sure to meet a couzen. 
 Oh. had I not been such a testy un', 
 
 I might have been at fortune's top ; 
 Could I have only popp'd the question, 
 
 I'd not been questioned when I pop.
 
 LACONICS. 173 
 
 A dovJble complimmt, 
 A punster, being told that a great friend of his, 
 who was a very clumsy fello-w, had distinguished 
 himself in the management of a convivial p-^rty. re- 
 plied, " Xo wonder : he was intended by nature to 
 be a chairman.*^ 
 
 Laconics, 
 
 Soldiers are generally considered inconstant. 
 Is it from their being accuetomed to cut-lasses ? 
 
 Red-haired men make the best troops, for they al- 
 ways ciriy theiryire-Zocts upon theirshould^rs. 
 
 It is said, the older we grow the wiser we get ; but 
 is it not more natural to suppose, that the greater a 
 person's years, the more ass he ? 
 
 No man should appear unhappy, on the principle 
 that no good wight ever looks blue. 
 
 If virtUF lie in resisting temptation, surely no wo- 
 man is chased unless she be run after. 
 
 Marriage is designated the bridle state: and, in- 
 deed, it puts a curb upon most persons. 
 
 Clocks that have stopped, by misrepresenting the 
 time become paradoxes ; they siaTui and Zie simulta- 
 neously. 
 
 Schools for young persons are called pre-parrof- 
 ory; because at them everything is learnt by rote. 
 
 Intercourse is generally a sign of friendship : and, 
 indeed, it is but natural, if you correspond with a 
 person, for most persons to think you like him. 
 
 A sword is one of the emblems of justice ; and it is 
 but uvijvrm that, with such a weapon, we should 
 meet with red-dress. 
 
 The week preceding Easter is most appropriately 
 termed Pension Week, insomuch as then even the 
 buns are cross. 
 
 H 2
 
 174 BREWING. 
 
 JevTs generally v.ear beards, to show that they are 
 of the tribe of Hair-on (Aaron). 
 
 Breunng, 
 In a late assault case against an eminent brewer, 
 the following ingenious argument was used: — " If 
 there be any charge made against the beer (said Mr, 
 L.) rebutt it." It was this clench in jest which led 
 to the assault in earnest — so that neitheryour i/nor 
 your but is a certain peacemaker. 
 
 Feeding on credit. 
 An officer of a disbanded regiment applying to the 
 paymaster of the forces for his arrears, told him that 
 he was in the most extreme want, and on the point 
 of dying with hunger. The treasurer, seeing him 
 of a jovial and ruddy aspect, told him that his coun- 
 tenance belied his complaint. " Good, my lord, (re- 
 plied the ofBcer) for heaven's sake, do not mistake ; 
 the visage you see is not mine, but my landlady's — 
 for she has fed me on credit for above a twelve- 
 month." 
 
 Speech of Lawyer Brief. 
 My Lord, and Gentlemen of the Jury, 
 
 There are a set of men in the world of such a 
 tedious, tiresome, trifling, troublesome habitude, 
 temper, and disposition of mind, that they perplex, 
 confound, entangle, and puzzle every circumstance 
 in every cause %vhich they undertake, protect, defend 
 and justify. Instead of coming to the point, mat- 
 ter, business, or debate, they deviate, vary, waver, 
 and flv off therefrom. When we expect truth, sa- 
 tisfaction, conviction, and decision, we find, per- 
 ceive, observe, and remark, nothing but uncertainty, 
 ambiguity, doubtfulness, and difficulty. This, my 
 -ord, I humbly apprehend, conceive, think, pre- 
 sume, auJ suimise, is owing to tediousness and pro-
 
 SPEECH OF LAWYER BRIEF. 175 
 
 li.tity ; tlie nature, genius, and extent of which I 
 fehail consider, weigh, examine, expiscate, and scru- 
 tinize. In the first place, then, I shall shew, prove, 
 and demonstrate the nature of tediousness and pro- 
 lixity, by shewing, proving, and demonstrating, 
 that there is nothing so unnatural; for the business 
 of a tongue, utterance, speech, or language, is to 
 come to the point, argument, contemplation, or 
 question, at once, point blank, slap-dash, and con- 
 cisely, without any prevarication, equivocation, or 
 circumbendibus whatsoever. And now in the se- 
 cond, succeeding, following place, point, and preli- 
 minary, I come to promulgate the genius of tedious- 
 ness and prolixity; which is done, effected, and per- 
 formed and brought about by manifesting that they 
 have no genius at all : and so far from any men of 
 genius making use ofthem, none but your egregious, 
 absurd, ridiculous dolts, dunderheads, and block- 
 heads, ever admit, acknowledge, receive, or embrace 
 any such notions, ideas, maxims, principles, or te- 
 nets. Thirdly, my lord, I beg leave, according to 
 order, form, series, and succession, to animadvert 
 upon the extent of tediousness and prolixity: and 
 this is managed bv demonstrating that it is infinite 
 and without bounds, and consequently can have no 
 extent at all. And now, my lord, I will open the 
 cause, spring, origin, fountain, rise, and foundation 
 of these vices, which is Tautology ; which is the 
 speaking, saying, delivering, uttering, pronouncing, 
 divulging, declaring, remarking, observing, repeat- 
 ing, or expressing, the same identical, individual 
 thing an hundred, and an hundred, and a hundred 
 hundred, and an hundred hvxndred hundred times 
 over. And now, my lord. I beg leave, pardon, per- 
 mission, and sufferance, to lay down only six-and- 
 fifty particulars : every part'cular, my lord, shall 
 consist of only seventy-two divisions ; every d*yi- 
 sion shall comprehend, contain, and consist oi only
 
 
 176 CONFIBMATION. 
 
 eighty-t^vo subdivisions; every subdi vision shall be 
 concluded with the six-and--fortielh article; arid 
 every article shall consume, expend, and cost no 
 more than an hour and a half. 
 
 Here the court was out of all manner of patience ; 
 and the judge, with great indignation, put a period 
 to a discourse, which, if the lawyer's tongue had 
 been immorial, might most probably hare lasted to 
 all eternity. 
 
 Confirmation. 
 
 Th3 celebrated Dr. Perne happened one day to 
 call a clergyman a fool, who was really little bet- 
 ter. The person thus complimented threatened to 
 complain to the Bishop of Ely. " Do, do," said the 
 Dean, " and my Lord Bishop will, doubtless, confirm 
 you." 
 
 Necessitp has no law. 
 The late Dr Dee of Cork, of eccentric and face- 
 tious memory, having once occasion to reprove a 
 counsellor rather unlearned in the law, told him he 
 was a counsellor ofnecessiti/. " Necessity ''' exclaimed 
 the briefless barrister, " what do you mean by that?" 
 " Because," rejoined the Doctor, " Necessity has no 
 law 1" 
 
 Cossacks and Cassocks. 
 
 A country schoolmaster, perusing one of the 
 renchbulletins during the war. instead of Cossacks, 
 read, with great indignation, " AVe have taken seven 
 hundred Cassocks." " Surely," said he, " Divine 
 vengeance must overtake those wretches, who thus 
 dai'C to plunder the poor clergy." 
 
 Low as tlie earth. 
 A weil known nobleman at the West end of the
 
 VERY NEAR A DUN. Ill 
 
 town, complaining that his corns twinged and were 
 very troublesome, a friend jocosely expressed his 
 surprised at a person of his rank being troubled with 
 so vulgar a complain — " for (added he) it is as low 
 as the earth." 
 
 Epigram. 
 My heart, still hovering round about you, 
 I thought I could not live without you; 
 Now we have lived three months asunder, 
 How I lived with you's all my wonder ! 
 
 Very near a dun. 
 
 A gentleman who had a small claim on Counsellor 
 B , met him the other day on his pony, and ob- 
 serving that he was not of the same colour he was a 
 year ago, the Counsellor promptly remarked, " That 
 he did not know what colour the poney was at that 
 time, but at present he wa^ very near a dun. 
 
 The place of execution. 
 
 A gentleman going one day to his attorney's- to 
 execute some deeds, was overtaken by a shower of 
 rain, and on turning back for his umbrella, was met 
 by a friend, who asked him where he was going — to 
 which he replied, " I am going back to the place from 
 vchence I came, and from thence to tlie place of execu- 
 tion." 
 
 A reply in a proper place. 
 
 Two persons of a satirical turn met a neighbour 
 and said, " Friend, we have been dispating whether 
 you are most knave or fool." The man took each of 
 the querists by the arm, and, walking between them, 
 after some hesitation replied, " Why, faith, I be- 
 lieve I am between both,"
 
 178 -SILK ST-OCKINGS. 
 
 Chi a tedious preacher. 
 By our parson perplext, ""' ' 
 
 How shall we determine ? 
 " Watch and pray," says the text— 
 
 " Go to sleep," says the sermon. 
 
 Silk stockings. 
 An Hibernian gentleman was visited by a friend, 
 who found him a little ruffled. Being asked the rea- 
 son of it, he said he had lost a pair of black silk 
 stockings out of his rootK which had cost him eigh- 
 teen shillings, but that Ife hoped he should soon get 
 them again, as he had ordered them to be cried, and 
 had offered a half-crown reward. The gentleman 
 said the reward was far too little for such valuable 
 stockings. "Nonsense!" he replied,"! have or- 
 dered the crier to say they were worsted" 
 
 A churlish reply. 
 A churlish man was out of humour because the 
 sun, when nothing else did, reflected on him. Hear- 
 ing a friend one day praising the growth of his 
 flowers, " What have'they else to do but to grow," 
 he replied snappishly. 
 
 Lord Kelly and his mother. 
 The witty and convivial Lord Kelly being in his 
 early years much addicted to dissipation his mother 
 advised him to take example of a gentleman whose 
 constant food was herbs, and drink water. " What, 
 madam ! (said he) would you have me imitate a man 
 who eats like a beast, and drinks like & fisli ?" 
 
 A toiigh story. 
 DonalasVo Cossackovitz was the son of Wittes- 
 chendst, the bear hunter He was born under the 
 planet Mars, and, like Hercules, strangled a boa
 
 A TOUGH STORY. 179 
 
 constrictor in his cradle. He cracked a sea biscuit 
 before he was an hour old, and sucked four wet 
 nurses dry ere he cut a tooth. A twelvemonth afte.. 
 lie was breeched he save a proof of his manhood, 
 and was tried six hundred and ninety-nine times for 
 erim. con. and honourably acquitted. He got into 
 the dungeons of the Inquisition, where he eat the 
 iron bars of his prison and effected his escape. He 
 trusted himself to sea on the back of an enormous 
 whale, who after a short voyage of three hxmdred 
 and sixty-five days, capsized him under the stern of 
 an Algerine pirate, the whole crew of which, toge- 
 ther with the captain, he slew with his own hand; 
 after which, a foul storm overtaking the vessel, he 
 was wrecked : he was, however, forced to put up 
 with the jolly boat ; in which, for three months he 
 subsisted on a piece of sailcloth, drinking his own 
 tears. At leneth he was washed out by a large wave 
 fifty leagues from shore, but luckily getting on a 
 shoal of herrings, they bore him in safptv to the mosi 
 northerly shore of Russia, when jumping on the back 
 of a mad wolf, the affrighted animal, who wished to 
 get rid of its unwelcome burden speeded through 
 forests where human foot had never trod. Dona- 
 lasko kept his seat with all the firmness of a most 
 experienced jockey. At the end of three days he 
 found himself safe and sound in the south-east ex- 
 tremity of the empire : the wolf expiring under him 
 from hard running, he lived upon the body for three 
 weeks, made himself a jacket of his skin, and a saw 
 of his jaw bone, with which he felled a miraculous 
 pike, similar to the one the Don Cossack carried in 
 London — who, by-the-bye, is said to be his greai 
 grpat great great grandson ; and, indeed, his boast Oi 
 having killed five hundred Frenchmen with his own 
 hand, leaves us no room to doubt the truth of this 
 report. Wearied of t-avelling, he deterniined to 
 settle, and to amuse himself by hunting. His whia- 
 
 H 3
 
 1^0 OVER-HOURS. 
 
 kers and beard grew, and bo did his purse. The 
 girls admired his beauty ; ho married seventeen 
 wives, kept thirt^'-three concubines, and had three 
 hundred children. To conclude — he died at the 
 moderate age of eleven hundred and fifty, about six- 
 teen thousand years before the creation I 
 
 Threadbare — but His my own. 
 
 The belles of ton laugh at my threadbare gown- 
 Threadbare indeed it is — but 'tis my own. 
 
 Over-hoicrs. 
 
 A gentleman who employs a ereat number of 
 hands in a manufactory in the West of England, in 
 order to encourage his work people in a due atten- 
 dance at church, on a late fast day, told them, that 
 " if they went to church they should receive their 
 wages for that day, in the same manner as if thev 
 had been at work." Upon which a deputation was 
 appointed to acquaint their employer, that " if he 
 would pay them for cver-liov.rs, they would attend 
 like wise at the methodist or any other chapel in the 
 evening'" 
 
 An Irish Sailor's prayer. 
 
 An honest Hibernian tar, a great favourite with 
 the gallant Nelson, used to pray in those words 
 every nig'it when he went to his hammock — " God 
 be thanked, I never killed any man, nor no man ever 
 killed me. God bless the world, and old Nell, my 
 mother, and Nell's sons, me and the admiral, and 
 send success to the British navv." Having escaped 
 a shot Urtrrowly one day, one of his messmates s^id 
 it was owinc to Providence." " True, (said Jack) 
 God bless Providence !"
 
 DEPRAVITY Of TH5 AGE. ISl 
 
 Not very particular. 
 Notion? ago a countryman went to a celebrated 
 tooth-drawer to have a toolh extracted. Being 
 seated, the dentist looked into his mouth, and, seeing 
 nothing like decay in any, asked which tooth was to 
 be drawn. The countryman, with a look of native 
 fiimplicity, replied — " It zignifies nought, sir, which 
 you take out, for I have no mitch use for ony o' 'em 
 for some toime past ; but if you will charge no mora 
 for a double than a single tooth, e'en let it be one oi 
 them." 
 
 Depravity of the age. 
 
 An itinerant clereyman preaching on this sub- 
 ject, said that litt.lf children, icho could neither speak 
 niyr walk, were to b(^ seen running about the streets, 
 curding and swearing. 
 
 A waterman that can't swim ts the best. 
 
 Sir John Fielding, having to take a boat at White-* 
 hall Stairs, first demanded in a very audible voic« 
 who could swim. About forty persons answered 
 in the affirmative. " Indeed I can't swim at all," 
 said a young waterman standing by. " Oh, then, 
 {said Sir John, " you are the waterman fur me, be- 
 cpuse for the sake of your own life you will take 
 care of mine." 
 
 The parson and his dumplings. 
 An honest and pious Welch curate, who had much 
 dutvto do and many miles to travel in the doing of 
 it wn-s accustomed to deposit in the folds of his sur- 
 plice some hard round Norfolk dumplings, by wav of 
 refreshers on the road. In the middle of the ser- 
 ninn, while xUtering with upraise: arms and pecvlial 
 emphas'S the expression, " And great was lh< ii. 
 
 i
 
 182 DR. SHERIDAN AND HIS PUPIL. 
 
 thereof," out rolled one of the dumplings and dis- 
 lodged the clerk's spectacles, who wisely did notfall 
 into a passion, but quietly put up with what he con- 
 sidered an accident. Another ejaculatory sentence 
 raised up the curate's arm, and brought down a se- 
 cond dumpling, which rather discomposed both him 
 and the flour in his wig, and now he looked about ra- 
 ther inquiringly to find out when there was to be an 
 amen tO this dum pang dropping. The third and last 
 sentence wound up the clerk's patience. As the cu- 
 rate vociferated, •' And he shall be stoned in the 
 midst of the. congregation," the third dumpling 
 alighted on his sconce, and extinguished his lamp. 
 " Oho, (says the clerk) I'll not sit it any longer. If 
 you're for that, why then here's at you again !" and 
 he began to pelt the curate in return, who begged a 
 parley, and, not conscious of the descent of the 
 dumplings, made every possible apology to the clerk 
 for the accident. 
 
 Dr. Sheridan and his pupil. 
 Dr. Sheridan had a custom of ringing his scholars 
 to prayers in the school room at a certain hour every 
 day. The boys were one day very devoutly at their 
 prayers, except one, who was stifling a laugh as well 
 as he could, which arose from seeing a rat descend- 
 ing from the bell-rope into the room. The poor 
 boy could holdout no longer, but burst out into an 
 immoderate fit of laughfer, which set the others 
 a-going when he pointed out the cause. Dr. Sheri- 
 dan was so provoked that he declared he would flog 
 them all if the principal cause was not pointed out to 
 him, which was immediately don^. The poor pupil 
 was soon horsed — the witty schoolmaster, however, 
 told him that if he could say anvthing tolerable on 
 the occasion, as he looked upon him to be the great- 
 est dunce in the school, he would forgive him. The 
 trenjblin" culprit, with very little hesitation, ad-
 
 BROKEN COMMANDMENTS. 183 
 
 dressed his master with thp foilowin? distich ; — 
 " There was a rat, for want nfstairs. 
 Came down a rope to go to priyers." 
 Dr. .Sheridan instantly dropped his cane, and, in- 
 stead of inflicting punishment, presented him with 
 a half-crown. 
 
 Broken commandments. 
 A gentleman was informing Mrs. Barbauld that 
 some thieves had broken into the parish church and 
 stolen the communion plate and the ten command- 
 ments — " Now I can suppose," added the gentle- 
 man, " that they may melt and sell the plate, but can 
 you divine for what possible purpose they could take 
 the commandments V *' To break them, to be sure," 
 replied she. 
 
 December and May. 
 Said Nestor to his pretty wife, quite- sorrowful one 
 
 day, 
 •* Why, dearest, will you shed in pearls those lovely 
 
 eyes away ? 
 You ousht to be more fortified" — " Ah, brute, be 
 
 quiet, do — 
 1 know I'm not so fortified, nor fiftyfied, as yoa ! 
 
 Oh, men are vile deceivers all, as I have ever heard. 
 You'd die for me you swore, and I took you at your 
 
 word. 
 I was a tradesman's widow then — a pretty cliange 
 
 I've made — 
 To live and die the wife of one, a widower by trade." 
 
 " Come, come, my dear — these flighty airs declare, 
 
 in sober truth. 
 You want as much in age, indeed, as T can want in 
 
 youth;
 
 184 A GIMLET EVE. 
 
 Besides, you said you liked old men, though dow at 
 
 me you huff" — 
 ** Why, yes," she said, " and so I do — but you're not 
 
 old enough!" 
 
 " Come, come, my dear, let's make it up, and have a 
 
 quiet hive ; 
 I'll be the best of men — I mean— I'll be the best 
 
 alive ! 
 kour grieving so will kill me, for it cuts me to the 
 
 core" — 
 " I thank ye, sir, for telling me — for now I'll grieve 
 
 the more !" 
 
 A gimlet ei/e. 
 Miss Pope was in the green room one evening 
 commenting on the excellencies of Garrick, when 
 among other things she said he had the most won- 
 derful eye imaginable — an eye, to use a vulgar 
 phrase, that would penetrate through a deal board. 
 •• Yes, (said Wewitzer) 1 understand— what we call 
 a gimlet eye.'" 
 
 Curiam notice. 
 On the door of a pg^rish church not a hundred 
 miles from Wycombe was recently affixed the fol- 
 lowing notice: — "The churchwardens will hold 
 their quarterly meetings once in six weeks instead of 
 half-yearly, as formerly." 
 
 Trying to get a good wife. 
 An Hibernian was once brought before a magis- 
 trate, charged with marrying six wives. The magis- 
 trate asked him how he could be so hardened a vil- 
 lain. " Why. plaze your worship, (said Paddy) I 
 was trying to get a good one. Four have been trans- 
 ported, and the fifth ran away from me; so, being 
 robbed by all of them, I hope your worship won't 
 send me after them
 
 THE JEW NOT TO BE DONE. 186 
 
 A batch of Laconics. 
 
 A black man should never take to the business of 
 picking pockets, as it is evident nature never in- 
 tended him for one of the li'^ht-fingered gentry. 
 
 An hypochondriac will sometimes conjure up to 
 his imagination the most frightful forms. To in- 
 dulge such melancholy propensity maybe said, in 
 one sense, to raise the spirits 
 
 Bonnets worn at a theatre, when they intercept 
 the view of the stage, give much offence to those 
 that are prevented by them from seeing, and who 
 often declare such bonnets should be cap-sized. 
 
 Madame Catalani, though paid an enormous sum 
 to perform by the night, used, it is well known, inva- 
 riably to sing by the {y)ear. 
 
 A hackney coachman has constantly cause to 
 complain of the hardness of his lot, for at the best of 
 times his businsss is at a statu!. 
 
 The sea presents in its waves a very remarkable 
 paradox ; for when it is in a state of the greatest agi- 
 tation, its appearance is the mcsttidc-y. 
 
 Singers are habitually addicted to getting deeply 
 in debt, for with them it is a mere matter of busi- 
 ness to run upveryliigh scores ! 
 
 The Jew not to be dent 
 A Jew pedlar being met by two gentlemen in a 
 market town, one of them addressed him with — 
 " Well, Moses, what wil' you give me for a guinea?" 
 The Israelite, after looking significantly at each, 
 drew from one of them an assurance that he a.nd his 
 friend were bona fide men of business, upon which 
 the Jew very frankly offered one pound tvelre. The 
 negociator acceded to the terms, and intent upon a 
 lauah at poor Moses, immediately produced the gui- 
 nea" for which he received in exchange a one poxtrul 
 note, and twelve penny pennies !
 
 186 THE MER:.IA1D of MARGATE. 
 
 Tlie Mermaid of Margate. 
 
 On Margate beacli, where the sick one roamg. 
 
 And the sentimental reads ; 
 Where the maiden flirts, and the widow comes. 
 
 Like the ocean, to cast her weeds — 
 
 There's a maiden sits by the ocean brim, 
 
 As lovelv and as fair as sin ! 
 But woe, deep water and woe to him, 
 
 That she snareth like Peter Fin ! 
 
 Her head ia crowned with pretty sea wares, 
 And her locks are golden and loose ; 
 
 And sinks to her feet, like other folks' heirs, 
 To stand, of course, in her shoes. 
 
 And the fishmonger, humble as love may be. 
 Hath planted his seat hy her side ; — 
 
 "Good even, fair maid — is thv lover at sea, 
 To make thee so watch the tide ?" 
 
 She turned about with her pearly brows, 
 
 And clasped him by the hand— 
 " Come, love, with me — I've a bonny house 
 
 On the golden Goodwin Sand." 
 
 And away with her prize to the wave she leapt, 
 
 Not walking, as damsels do 
 With toe and heel, as she ought to have stept — 
 
 But she hopp'd like a kangarooo. 
 
 One plunge, and then the victim was blind, 
 Whilst they gallojjn'^d across the tine: 
 
 At last on the bank he waked in his mind, 
 And the beauty was by his side, 
 
 One half in the sand, and half in the sea, 
 
 Rut his hair all begun to stiffen — 
 For. when he looked where h^r feet should be, 
 
 She Lad no mor^feft than Miss Biffin.
 
 THE MERMAID OF MARGATE. 187 
 
 But a scaly tail of a dolphin's growth, 
 
 In the dabbling brine did soak ! 
 At last she opened her pearly mouth 
 
 Like an oyster, and thus spoke : — 
 
 * Your crimped my father, -who was a skate, 
 
 And my sister you sold — a maid: 
 So h^re remain for a fishery fate. 
 For lost you are and betrayed." 
 
 And away she went with a sea-gull's stream, 
 
 And a splash of her saucy tail : 
 In a moment he lost the silvery gleam 
 
 That shone on her splendid mail. 
 
 The sun went down with a blood-red flame. 
 And the sky grew cloudy and black; 
 
 And the tumbling billows, like leap-frog came 
 Each over the other's back. 
 
 And still the waters foamed in like ale 
 
 In front and on either flank; 
 He knew that Goodwin and Co. must fail, 
 
 There was such a run on the bank. 
 
 A little more, and a little more. 
 
 The surges came tumbling in — 
 He sang the evening hymn twice o'er, 
 
 And thought of every sin. 
 
 Each flounder and plaice lay cold at his heart, 
 
 As cold as his marble slab ; 
 And he thought he felt in every part, 
 
 The pincers of scalded crab. 
 
 The squealling lobsters that he bad boiled, 
 
 And the little petted shrimps. 
 All the horny prawns he had ever spoH d 
 
 Gnawed into his soul like imps.
 
 188 UNLUCKY NUMBER. 
 
 At last, his lingering hopes to buoy, 
 
 He saw a sail and a mast — 
 4nd called " ahoy ! ' but it was not a hoy, 
 
 And so the vessel past. 
 
 And the saucy wing that flapped in his face, 
 
 The wild bird ab'nit him flew, 
 \\ ith a shrilly scream, that twitted his case— 
 
 " Why thou art a sea-gull too !" 
 
 But just as his body was all afloat, 
 
 And the surges about him broke, 
 He was saved Irom the hungry deep ly a boat 
 
 Of Deal, but builded of oak. 
 
 The skipper gave him a dram as he lay, 
 
 And chafed his shivering skin: 
 And the angel returned that was flying away 
 
 With the spirit of P<-terFin. 
 
 Unlucky number. 
 Some people, even in very high circles, have an 
 objection to thirteen at dinner. Dr. Kitchener one 
 day being at a dinnerparty of that number, and on its 
 being pronounced unlucky, he said — " I admit it is 
 unlucky in one case — when tliere is only dinner for 
 welve." 
 
 Very large ovens. 
 A Jack tar being at a Quaker's meeting, heard the 
 friend that was holding forth speak with great vehe- 
 mence against the ill consequence of giving the lie 
 in conversation — and therefore advised that when 
 any man told a tale not consistent with truth or 
 probability, the hero should only cry twang — which 
 could not irritate people to passion like the lie. Af- 
 terwards ho digressed into the story of the miracle of 
 five thousand being fed with five loaves of bread —
 
 INTEMPERANCE. 189 
 
 he then told them that they were not such loaves as 
 those used now-a-days, but were as big as moun- 
 tains, at which the tar uttered with a loud voice- 
 Twang .' "What! (says the Quaker) dost thou 
 think I lie, friend ?" "No, (says Jack) but I am 
 thinking how big the ovens were that baked them." 
 
 A real English bull. 
 
 Two brothers were amuS^ing themselves, some- 
 thing in the style of William the Conqueror's sons, 
 by throwing water in each other's faces. The eider 
 one took a true aim, and seldom missed his mark ; 
 the younger one as constantly failed. At last he 
 could bear it no longer, and cri'^d out in great vexa- 
 tion, " I declare now, Frank, it's not fair — for you 
 are ever so much nearer to me than I am to you." 
 
 Intemperance. 
 
 A drunkard is in my eyes the most despicable of 
 men, and so vident is my aversion to one, that in 
 sketching his character I fear I may not be able to 
 draw it sufficiently mild. 
 
 I am a great stickler for sobriety, but in protesting 
 against the use of cordials, am myself an ardent spi- 
 '''it. I always had the most weighty scruples against 
 a dram, »nd am one of those who feel no commissge- 
 ration at the fall of the drama. When a man once 
 becomes addicted to drink, he seldom leaves the 
 practice off — it is one'of those habits which is scarcely 
 ever got rid of, but it is always abandoned. It is rui- 
 nous to the constitution : excessive drinking of the 
 spirit is the cause of violent heating of the body ; and 
 he seldom has sny health of his own who isconstan- 
 Iv drinkingthe liealth of others : he impairs hisani- 
 mal strength ; his voice becomes hoarse, as if it were 
 affected by a cold brought on by the perpetual draft 
 in his throat; and indeed one of the characteristics 
 ofasofis, that he generally speaks in snttovoce.
 
 190 INTEMPERANCE. 
 
 Property is alike sacrificed to the pernicious in- 
 fluence of liquor; a man given to intoxication can 
 never renovate his broken fortunes, though he ever 
 fancies he is coming round. Though his head is con- 
 stantly sunmming, he can never keep it above water. 
 He endeavours to preserve himself from melancholy 
 by never being out of spirits, yet seldom can be said 
 to enjoy himself except when he is either aleing or 
 whining. He never thinks about death, though he 
 delights in the anticipation of going to his beer. He 
 behaves like a brute in his wife, inasmuch as he ia 
 addicted to lick her, and if you tell him he is a villain 
 he replies, that as such it is fit he should be bran- 
 died. 
 
 His mania often drives him to crime, and though 
 he has constantly a drop in his ei/e, he never thinks 
 about the gnlloiL-s. His illicit propensities render 
 him blind to the beauty ofthplaws. He hates the 
 customs of his country, and the duty on spirits he 
 he considers applicable not to the living, but the 
 dead. He sees no harm in keeping now-a-days a 
 private s.till, declaring that informing was all well 
 enough informer times, but that the modern cellars 
 ought not to be an objpct of aversion to Bi/ers. 
 There seems to be a constant singing to his auricular 
 organs, which being in hishead, have been the depo- 
 sitory of many pipes s.nd barrels. His windpipe he 
 conve^rts into a pipe for wine, and he receives liquor 
 into his caput as if it were a hogshead. 
 
 He is one of those who. without an atom cf reflec- 
 tion, most frequently sees double. His habits hurry 
 him so rapidly down the tide of time that he grows 
 prematurely old, while his sober companions are still 
 young; and as they float gently down the current of 
 life, he is half seas over. He is continuallv making 
 for the port, and has so great an anxiety to double the 
 cape, that he soon arrives at death's harbour. 
 
 Though generally the most degraded of men, yet a
 
 A niNN'ER IN IRELAND. 19l 
 
 drunkard is most commonly first of the human race, 
 at least he is the one that soonest gets to the end of 
 
 his journey. 
 
 A dinner in Ireland. 
 
 The dinner had two great faults — profusioa and 
 pretension. There was, in fact ten times more on 
 the table than was necessary ; and the entertain- 
 ment was far above the circumstances of the person 
 ]bv whom it was given. For instance — the dish of 
 fish at the top of the table had been brought across 
 the island from Sligo, and had cost five guineas, as 
 the lady of the house failed not to make kno'wn. 
 But after all, things were not of a piece. There was 
 a disparity between the entertainment and the at- 
 tendants — there was no proportion or fitness of 
 things. A painful endeavour at what could not be 
 attained, and a toiling in vain to conceal and repair 
 deficiencies and blunders. 
 
 H»,'l the mistress of the house been quiet — had 
 she but let things alone and suffered them to take 
 their course all would have passed off well, but she 
 was incessantly apologizing andfussing and (retting 
 inwardly and outwardly, anddirecting andcalling to 
 her serV-ants — striving to make a butler who was 
 deaf, and a boy who was hair-brained, do the busi- 
 ness of five accomplished footmen of perfect profi- 
 ciency. 
 
 The mistress of the house called for "plates- 
 clean plates — hot plates I" but none came when she 
 called for Lhem; while at every call the deaf butler 
 and Larry loudly vociferated " you'll get 'em !" 
 Mrs. P.affarty called " Larry I — Larry — my lord's 
 plate there — James, bread to Captain Bowles! — 
 James, -poxi wine to the major 1" and soon, till she 
 was nearly exhausted. 
 
 At length oue course was fairly got through, and 
 after a torturing half hour, the secoj.d course appear-
 
 192 THE PRACTICAL BULL. 
 
 ed, and James Kenny was intent upon one thing, 
 and Larry upon another, so that the wine sauce for 
 the hare was spilt by their ill-timed meeting face to 
 face; but what was worse, there seemed little chance 
 that the whole of this second course should ever be 
 placed altogether rightly on the table. 
 
 Mrs. Raffarty cleared her throat, and nodded, and 
 pointed, and sighed, and sent Larry after Kenny, 
 and Kenny after Larry — for what one did the other 
 undid, but at last the lady'g auger kindled, and she 
 thus spoke : — 
 
 " Kenny ! James Kenny! set the sea-kale at this 
 corner, and put down the grass corners — and match 
 your maccaroni yonder with them puddens, and set 
 the pyramid in the middle, can't ye?" The pyramid 
 in changing places was overturned. Then it was the 
 mistress of the feast — falling back in her seat, and 
 lifting up her eyes and hands in despair — ejaculated, 
 " Och James I James!" 
 
 The pyramid was raised by the assistance of the 
 military engineer, and stood trembling again on its 
 base ; but the lady's temper could not be so easily 
 restored to its equilibrium. 
 
 The practical bull. 
 Monopoly all men unite to decry, 
 Though practice will often profession belie. 
 All should share in life's blessings, nor one stingy 
 
 elf 
 Be allowed to engross the good things to himself. 
 What is mint; tcau be yours, if occasion there be, 
 And you profirwtthout a privation to me. 
 An umbrella in rain for an instance will do — 
 Though invested in one 'twill accommodate two. 
 But let us while moved by this recommendation, 
 The fitness regard of appropriation ; 
 Nor »»^id fVir feet six, if uncloaked he should be, 
 The great coat of a man rising full six feet three ;
 
 A PRACTICAL BILL. 193 
 
 Or if on a door-plate your name you'd have shown. 
 Don't borrow your neighbour's to pass for your own. 
 
 A sailor once died near a desolate strand. 
 
 And his messmates resolved, since so close to the 
 land, 
 
 '• Earth to earth" like a Christian his corpse should 
 be given, 
 
 Nor sewed up, down the throat of a shark should be 
 driven. 
 
 They rowed him on shore — by two boats' crews at- 
 tended — 
 
 As good Irish hearts as e'er messmate befriended. 
 
 They landed. For priest, at their head was Mick 
 Rooney — 
 
 And gravely they brought to his grave poor Fat 
 Mooney. 
 
 The pray'rs read as well as Mick's learning per- 
 mitted, 
 
 The body of Pat to the ground was committed ; 
 
 They filled up the grave — a green turf o'er it 
 spread — 
 
 But thought that some token should stand at its 
 head 
 
 A giaTe-stone Mick thousht was a capital idee, 
 
 V'^-'ith an epitholamvim — (Epitaph, vide^. 
 
 But no stone could they find whic'i the purpose 
 would suit. 
 
 And a trifling occurrence forbad it to boot; 
 
 For a stone had they found, they'd nor genius nor 
 tools, 
 
 Nor time to engrave it — so, looking like fools, 
 
 And scratching their heads, disappointed and glum, 
 
 On boad they resolved to drown sorrow in rum ; 
 
 When a lucky invention struck one of the crew. 
 
 " I've hit it, my honies— (cried Teddy)— 'twill do !" 
 
 By-the-bye, let me tell you — some ten years before. 
 
 An old bo'son named North was interred on this 
 bhore:
 
 194 NOVEL CAUSE OF DUMSNRSS. 
 
 O'er whose srave a rude stone said—" Here lies 
 
 Bo'son North — 
 \S ho was born so and so — and who died, aad $o 
 
 forth." 
 Teddy thought of the bo'son, and thence took hia 
 
 tone, 
 " There's old Bo'son North on himself has a stone ; 
 He has been so long dead, that what's left of him'a 
 
 not him, 
 And no soul that remembers him now but's forgot 
 
 him ; 
 Then sarrah the use is the thing to the elf — 
 And why should he have all the ston^^ to himself? 
 For sailors together should share smooth and rough, 
 And the bo'son his spell of it's had long enough — 
 So let's borrow the lean of the stone for our mate, 
 And the epithalamiurn'' s cnt ready all nate." 
 " By the powers 'tis the thing!" cried in rapture 
 
 Mick Rooney — 
 So "Here lies Bo'sort North" was placed over Pat 
 
 Mooney. 
 
 Novel cause of dumbness. 
 There is something exceedingly poetical in the 
 following reply of an Irish servant At a dinner 
 party a conversation took place on the circumstance 
 of a man having remained for a week in what is com- 
 monly called a trance, and on awaking from which 
 his speech was irrecoverably lost. Each of the 
 guests endeavoured to account for the dumbness of 
 the lately entranced person. At last one of them 
 turned to the Irish footman and enquired his opinion 
 on the subject. "Plase your honour, (replied Pat) 
 I think he didn't go quite into the other world, but 
 jut near enough to see what they were about; and 
 80 they took away his spaach,that they mightn't tcl\ 
 the tacret when iie came baclc."
 
 VIDELICET. 195 
 
 Viz., Videlicet ; or the Gilht Pie. 
 
 Being deputed to make choice of a house, and to 
 order an annual dinner for a party of gentlemen, I 
 determined upon one pleasantly situated in a village 
 on the banks of the Thames, near Richmond. Ha- 
 ving agreed with the landlord as to terms, and the 
 precise dishes that were to be placed on the table, I 
 informed him that in the event of the party being 
 likewise satisfied, I would transmit him a letter by 
 post naming the day, &o. 
 
 Their consent being signified, I wrote a letter, 
 stating that on such a day he might expect us to. the 
 number of twenty-two, at so much per head ; and ta 
 guard against any misunderstanding, I thought it 
 prudent to r-ecapitulate the dishes we had previously 
 agreed upon — beginmng "Viz — Fish, veal, ham, 
 &c. 
 
 By return of post I received the following curious 
 answer ; — 
 
 *' Sir — I received your commands, but 1 don't 
 know what you means by Videlecit — as I didn't hear 
 you mention it when you was at my house. Every 
 thing else shall be obeyed. 
 
 Yours to command, Edw. Brown.' 
 
 This letter of course afforded considerable mirth 
 to the party who perused it — but it appeared to me 
 strange that the landlord should be incapable of un- 
 derstanding the contraction, and yet write the word 
 at length, though improperly spelt. To reconcile 
 this point I was at considerable trouble — and I can- 
 not convey the result of my enquiries in a better form 
 than as the dialogue actually took place upon the re- 
 ceipt of my letter — at which time the landlord, his 
 wife, and his waiter (not a very sharp one) was in 
 the bar. 
 
 ■" Why wife — did you ever hear me mention such 
 a fJish as ins when the gentleman was down here or- 
 dering the dinner?" "Lord, husband, no — what is 
 i
 
 196 VIDELICET. 
 
 M>?" A gentleman who had just paid the waiter 
 for his morning beverage hearing the last question 
 politely answered, " It means videlicet, madam," and 
 passed on. Here mine host was again at a pause, 
 when he suddenly exclaimed — " A.nd what is videli- 
 cet? I never heard of such a dish as that in all my 
 life." " Nor I, husband — though I have lived in the 
 first families — aye, and where every kind of made 
 dish has been sent to table." " Thomas, do you 
 know what is videlicet ?" " No, sir; but I suppose 
 it's one of those new-fangled dishes that the French 
 are so fond of. I'll ask in the kitchen." The en- 
 quiries in the kitchen were equally unsuccessful; 
 but Thomas, upon recollection, thought he had 
 heard of afish of that name. 
 
 To the water side the landlord immediately pro- 
 ceeded. All the river fishermen were in turn ap- 
 plied to, but all were equally positive that videlicet 
 did not grow in the river Thames, or else they must 
 havecaught him — perhaps, however, it might be a 
 salt water fish. That opinion was not supported by 
 the landlady, who declared that if videlicet was any 
 thing, it was a made dish — and, not to expose their 
 ignorance, they agreed to apologize, and make no 
 further enquiries. 
 
 On the day of the dinner — which, to do the land- 
 lord credit, was excellent — the idea of viz was not 
 forgotten: the enquiries for it were so frequent, 
 that the landlord — who waited in person — thought 
 proper, with many apologies, to express his regret 
 that ne had not been able to procure it in time— the 
 letter came too late-~the notice was so short — but, 
 desirous to oblige, he had placed on the table in its 
 stead a giblet pie. 
 
 This explanation produced such an involuntary, 
 Buch a general burst of laughter, that we all sensibly 
 felt for the landlord's embarrassment, from which, 
 however, he was adroitly relieved by one of the party
 
 SON OF TWO FATHERS, 197 
 
 observing — "Why really, Mr. Brown, I admire your 
 Bubstitution ; your giblet pie is excellent, and so like 
 videlicet, that I shall never eat of the one without 
 thinking upon the other." 
 
 Singular trait of a Sailor. 
 Mr. Lawson, master painter of the dock yard at 
 New York, was a man whose face was very much dis- 
 figured with the small pox, and going through the 
 dock gates one day was accosted in a tremendous 
 loud hoarse voice by a sailor, whose face was very 
 roughly hewn, in the following singular manner — 
 " Sir, I have got your knife" — pulling out a large 
 clasp knife about two feet long, striving to thrust it 
 into Mr. Lawson's hand. " My knife !" exclaims 
 Mr. Lawson, " You can have no knife of mine, for 
 1 neither lost one, nor did 1 ever carry such aknife." 
 The sailor still kept roaring out — "Sir, the knife is 
 yours, and you must take it." Upon this Mr. Lawson 
 began to suspect that there was something more 
 than ordinary in the fellow's behaviour, and asked 
 him what he meant by such conduct. " \\ hy, sir, 
 (says the sailor) I belong to the Ugly Club in Lon- 
 don, and the members are presented each with a 
 knife, which they are bound by the laws of the club 
 to present to any person they meet uglier than 
 themselves; and now, sir, as I consider you several 
 degrees uglier than myself, shiver my timbers, but 
 YOU must take it," and thrusting the knife into Mr. 
 Lawson's pocket, ran away. 
 
 T/te $on of two fathers. 
 
 Some years ago a young gentleman named Brode- 
 rip was master at the Montem at Eton college, and 
 the newspapers of the day informed their readers 
 that it was the son of Messrs. Longman and Brodc- 
 rip, the musical instrument makers. 
 12
 
 "its SINGULAR AMD PLURAL. 
 
 Termination of a fever. 
 A gentleman hearing of the death of another — 
 " I thought (said he to a person in company) you 
 told me that Tom Wilson's fever was gone oflF." 
 "Yes, (replied the latter) I did so; but forgot to 
 mention that he teas gone off along icith it." 
 
 Singular and plural. 
 The mayor of a country town, conceiring that the 
 word clause was in the plural number, would often 
 talk of a claw in an act of Parliament. 
 
 Vve lost my horns. 
 A gentleman's servant being in a hurry to take up' 
 his master's shoes, and missing the shoe horns, ex- 
 claimed pettishly, "D — it, I've lost my horns!" 
 " Oh, don't be in a passion about that, (replied his 
 fellow-servant) many a married man would be glad 
 to stand inyour shoes." 
 
 Going to law. 
 A gentleman who had a cause of no small import 
 pending at Westmi-nster Hall, was making the best 
 of his way thither when he was met by a friend, who 
 demanded whither he was going in such haste. He 
 replied, " Vm going tolaw!" 
 
 Slieridan's last. 
 The following riddle is said to be the last produc- 
 tion of Sheridan's witty pen ; — "Sometimes with a 
 head, sometimes without a head — sometimes with a 
 tail, sometimes without a tail — sometimes with a 
 head and tail, sometimes without either, and yet 
 ♦<j«ially perfect in all situations. Answer — A wig.''* 
 
 How to stop a leak. 
 \N hen Admiral Boscawcn added bo gloriously to
 
 FRENCH POLITENESS. 199 
 
 the laurele so often reaped by the British tars, and 
 defeated the French fleet, he was under the necessity 
 of going into a boat to shift his flag from his own 
 ship to another. In his passage a shot went through 
 the boat's side; when the admiral, taking off his wig 
 stopped the leak with it, and by that means saved the 
 boat from sinking, until it reached the ship in which 
 he intended to hoist his flag. ThuS: by the pre- 
 sence of mind so natural to the worthy admiral, 
 was he himself saved, and also enabled to continue 
 the engagement which ended so gloriously to the 
 British nation. 
 
 French politeness. 
 A mayor of a small village in France, having occa- 
 sion to give a passport to a distinguished personage 
 in his neighbourhood who was blind of one eye, 
 was in great embarrassment on coming to the de- 
 scription of his person. Fearful of offending the 
 great man, he adopted the following ingenious expe- 
 dient of avoiding the mention of his deformitv, and 
 wrote " Black eyes — one of which is absent." 
 
 Tlie auctioneer's stratagem. 
 A very curious and valuable library some time 
 since, being on sale, among the r^st a mani'i\ Tt'X)! 
 law book WIS put up, the performance of 'luxe frii- 
 nent hand. To enhance the price and stimulate the 
 company to pui chase it, the auctioneer told them 
 that, besides its originality, it had the additional ad- 
 vantage of an opinion concerning it written in a 
 blank leaf by one of the most distinguished sages of 
 the law, but he irust beg to be excusij from produ- 
 cing it till after it should be sold. This took so 
 well with the literati, that they advanced on oni? ano- 
 ther at each bidding till it was knocked down at a 
 very considerable price to one who was determined 
 to have it at any rate, who, when it was delivered to
 
 200 FUSELI. 
 
 him, so eager was the expectation and impatience of 
 the company to read the opinion, that the purchaser 
 for fear of being crowded to death withdrew into a 
 private room, when he had the mortification to read 
 these words: — " I have cerefully perused this book, 
 and do pronounce it not worth one farthing." 
 
 Fuseli. 
 Fuseli had a great dislike to common-place obser- 
 Tations. After sitting perfectly silent for a long 
 time in his own room, during the disjointed chat of 
 some idle visitants, who were gabbling with one ano- 
 ther about the weather and other topics of an unin- 
 teresting nature, he suddenly exclaimed — " I've had 
 pork for dinner to-day I" " Dear!" said one of the 
 party, "What an odd remark!" Fuseli replied, 
 " \\ hy it is as good as anything that you have been 
 saying for the last hour past." 
 
 Ludicrous mistake. 
 When the French theatres are shut by order of the 
 Court, the order is called arelache, and this word oc- 
 curs in all the bills which announce the succeeding 
 night's performance. Some years ago Farley and 
 Charles Kemble were in Paris, in search of novelties 
 forCovent-Garden, andof coursekept a sharpeyeon 
 the bills. One of theseprohibitions happened to oc- 
 cur, and the word was displayed in large capitals as 
 usual. " Well, Charles," said Farley, " we must 
 have that — a devilish popular piece that Relckche — 
 you see it is announced at every theatre. I wonder 
 who wrote it." 
 
 The force of habit 
 
 J. iiejoTce oj iiAxuu, 
 It is said of a very celebrated physiciar, that be 
 could not prescribe even for himself without a fee, 
 and therelore, when unwell, he took a guinea out of 
 one pocket, and put it into the other.
 
 TXW: MISTAKES OF A NIGHT. 201 
 
 The mistakes of a night. 
 
 During a tour through the counties round Lon- 
 don, I put up at the best inn of a small town in 
 Berkshire, the master and mistress of -which were 
 aged people, but the barmaid — a handsome girl of 
 twenty-two, had the charge of the business. She 
 engaged my attention, and entering into conversa- 
 tion with her, found her very agreeable. I paid her 
 several com: i:;rients, with which she seemed pleased, 
 nor did she resent some little freedoms with much 
 idspleasure that I took with her. 1 pressed for a 
 private meeting, sajing " that the happiness of my 
 life depended on her compliance, and that I was cer- 
 tain she had too much goodnatureand sensibility to 
 make me mis^-rable. 
 
 •• Yes, yes," said the lovely Betsy, " this is just 
 the way you gentlemen take to seduce poor innocent 
 girls; and when your wishes are satisfies, you 
 abandon us to remorse and shame, and above all, 
 you triumph in our misfortunes, and boast of the fa- 
 vours we have granted you." 
 
 ' Think not," replied I, " my lovely girl, that I 
 could be guilty of such an action. Try me ; and if I 
 do, may I never experience the joys your sex are 
 capable of giving." 
 
 " If I thought," said the charming Betsy, " you 
 woul not" 
 
 Here I interrupted her. " Think ! By your bright 
 self I swear you may depend on me. Nay, do not 
 hesitate. Say — will you make me happy ?" 
 
 She answered not, but blushed consent. "Thanks, 
 my dear girl, for your goodness. At what hour may 
 1 come, and which is yoar apartment ?" 
 
 "Come at twelve or one," said she. " My room is 
 the second from yours on the right hand. Be sure 
 you make no noise." Here we were interrupted, 
 and parted. 
 
 I endeavoured to pass away the time by reading.
 
 202 MISTAKES OF A NIGHr. 
 
 When the clock had gone twelve, and the weary 
 travellers in the adjoining rooms snored in unison— 
 ■\vhfn, 
 
 " Nature's self was hushed, and all things dead !" 
 T stole from my chamber, and got into the gallery. 
 With stealing steps I moved along. I lifted the 
 latch of a door — the second from mine. With ea- 
 gerness I approached the bpd, put aside the curtains 
 and laid my hands on — not on the lovely Betsy, but 
 on — (I shudder while I write!) — a dead body ! 
 
 I stood motionless for some time, till an hollow 
 voic3 assailed my ears with "Who's there?" At 
 that instant the neighbouring church clock struck 
 one. 
 
 T*erceiving something moving by the bedside, I 
 judypd it prudent to retreat, I then heard a shriek, 
 and the noise of something falling heavily to the 
 ground. 
 
 I rushed out of the room. A person in the next 
 room hearing the noise, opened his door, as did seve- 
 ral others who saw me run through the gallery. At 
 length I reached my chamber. 
 
 Immediately the whole were in an uproar — candle^ 
 wore brought, and the company assembled, 1 slip- 
 ped on my greatcoat and joined them, enquiring the 
 cause of the disturbance. 
 
 "Disturbance enough," said one of them; "did 
 you not see it V " Sep what ?" enquired I. " The 
 ghost," said the other, " of the poor gentleman who 
 died yesteiday; who came out of his r lom just now, 
 and after walking along the gallery he went in 
 again." 
 
 Whilst this person was speaking a figure was seen 
 at the farther end clothed in white, which seemed 
 apfxonching towards us, 
 
 "Have mercy upon us!" cried an elderly lady; 
 " there he comes is^-ain " 
 
 The company now betook themselves to flight —
 
 MISTAKES OF A. MGHT. 203 
 
 the candles fell from the hands of the holder^^ and 
 alt bnrried to the stairs, where the greatest part took 
 but one step to the bottom. 
 
 Now nothing was heard but screams and groans, 
 I walked down composedly, and lifted up the af« 
 frighted guests, hurt in body and terrified in mind. 
 The figure that had caused the alarm was now seen 
 coming down the stairs, which I immediately recog< 
 nized to be an Irish gentleman who had entered the 
 inn about the same time as myself. 
 jgOn his appearance the women fell into fits. " Ar* 
 rah, by St. Patrick," says he, '• what the devil is th« 
 maning of all this noise and botheration? 'Tis a 
 strange thing you won't let a jontleman sleep ; one 
 would think you had done this on purpose." Ad- 
 dressing me, he said — " Ah, my dear sir, can you 
 tell me what this is all about, for every one seems 
 dying but yourself." 
 
 I told him that the cause of the disturbance wa» 
 the Spirit of a man, who had died the day before, 
 being seen walking about the gallery. " A spirit !" 
 says he; " why there are no such things as ghosts. 
 I would not care a pratv if I was to see five hundred 
 of them. Butcf me — suppc^se we all go in pursuit of 
 this same g' est ?" 
 
 " O no," exclaimed a short footman ; " I have al- 
 ways had an antipather to ohostisses since the Cock- 
 lane one. For goodness sake don't go near it with- 
 out a parson, as who knows what it might cio." 
 
 " Aye, ave, Mr. Giblet, (said a talf, fat woman) 
 you're in th^ right: it might be provoked to take us 
 away in a whirlwind to the Rpd Sea ocean." 
 
 No one appearing tn be willing, I told tht- brave 
 Hibernian that 1 would accompany him. He in- 
 stantly snatched a candle, which he gave me, and 
 furnishing himself with a real shilielah cudgel, 
 which his servant was posses&ed of, he cross? i bilB' 
 self very devoutly, then bade me at once tc * i'STj 
 him. 1 3
 
 204 MISTAKES OF A NIGHT. 
 
 On reaching the gallery we looked in every room 
 as we passed till we came near the one where the 
 corpse lay, when we perceived something white mo- 
 ving towards us. " Oho, (says he) by St. Patrick, 
 I'll make you suffer for disturbing jontlemen and 
 ladies !" He immediately cut the figure of eight 
 with his invincible bludgeon, and advancing to the 
 object, struck it, and it fell to the ground with a 
 heavy groan. In recovering the stick, he knocked 
 the candle out of my hands. I went toward the 
 stairs and called to those below to bring up a light, 
 but no one would venture, 
 
 " Oh, then, (says Mr. Geohagan) we will bring 
 the ghost to you," which he did, by dragging the ob- 
 ject down stairs ; when to our utter astonishment it 
 proved to be an old woman, who had been employed 
 to watch the dead body. 
 
 After some means were used she came to herself, 
 and declared that the dead man had rose from his 
 bed, and after walking about the room, he vanished 
 in a flash of lightning, at which she entirely fainted 
 away. 
 
 " And is it comeback again ?" said Geohagan. 
 
 "O dear sir, (replied the old woman) I don't 
 know." 
 
 " Let us go, my dear sir. (says he — addressing 
 himself to me) and find out where he is." 
 
 "We each took a candle, and on entering the room, 
 fouiid the corpse lying on the bed. TN'e then joined 
 the company, who were asking a thousand questions 
 of ihe old woman. The landlord now desired us to 
 walk in the parlour, and as no person seemed willing 
 logo upstairs, ve ordered coffee and tea to be got 
 ready, over which we sat till daylight. 
 
 I found an opportunity of talking to Betsy, who 
 told me she had fully expected me, and asked me ♦he 
 reason I did not come. I told her that I went to 
 the second door on the left, as she had desired me —
 
 THK RETICULE. 205 
 
 " which brought you, (replied she) to that where the 
 dead body lay- Did I not tell you mine was the 
 right hand ?" 
 
 " Alas !" replied I, " I now remember you did — 
 but it was so exceedingly dark, that I hardly knew 
 which way I turned. You see what a dpal of fear 
 and trouble my mistake has made." " Well, (re- 
 plied the pretty bavmaitl) if you will stay to-night, 
 I will make you amends for all." " No, no, (re- 
 pli'^d I) 'tis out of my power — I must be in town to- 
 nisht;" saying which, I left the inn and pursued my 
 journey — perhaps the dupe of a cunning little 
 squeezer of lemons. 
 
 The Reticule. 
 
 Oh, lady, let thy dress be cool, 
 And carry, pray, a reticule; 
 A pocket's the old-fashioned taste — 
 A spoiler of the female waist, 
 For cruel fashion can't abide 
 To spe a bulge out at each side. 
 Then, lady, fet thy dress be cool, 
 And carry, pray, a ridicule. 
 
 Our mother Eve no pocket had, 
 As she was ver'<' thinly clad — 
 Oh, beautiful was nature's tiim, 
 So very natty, n'^at, and slim ; 
 And fashion now has wisely plann'd 
 
 To havp the pocket in thf hand- 
 
 Then, lady, let thy dross be cool, 
 And carry, pray, a reticule. 
 
 A lady's pocket's a plaything. 
 With tassels and a silken string — 
 And many are the kinds that's sold, 
 A dirty handkerchief to hold. 
 So females now cannot be grand 
 Without a pocket in their hand- •
 
 206 STRONG TESTIMOJtY- 
 
 Then, lady, let thy dress be cool, 
 And carry, pray, a reticule. 
 
 'Twas Momus, as 'tis ju9t>y thought. 
 These pncketsinto fashion brought, 
 But Venus soon began to storm. 
 And votpd for the basket form. 
 To vex the beauty he was loth, 
 So gave to female mortals both ; 
 And Venns, to delight the fool, 
 Them christened has ridicrde. (reticule.) 
 
 Strong testimony. 
 A mountebank, expatiating on the virtues of his 
 drawing salve, and reciting many instances of its 
 success, was interrupted by an old woman, who as- 
 serted rather ironlc&Wy, that she had seen it draw 
 out of a door/our rusty tenpe^nmj nails, that defied the 
 united efforts of two of the strongest blacksraitha in 
 the country with their ham^iers and pincers. 
 
 New conundrums. 
 
 Why is a candidate for parliament like a ship just 
 launched? — Because to progress, both requi.res can- 
 Tas. 
 
 Why is a freemason like a public-house ?• — Be- 
 cause each are known by a sign 
 
 Why is a blind man like aGreenwl'ch pensioner? — 
 Because he has left off going to »ee. 
 
 ■\^'hy is a stage-coach horse like a city merchant ^ 
 — Because he goes regularly on the Exchange. 
 
 Why is a gardener mora independent than any 
 other tradesman ? — Because he can commatidhis own 
 it'/ie, and rais-e his salary when he pleases. 
 
 Absurd idioms. 
 Such a fellow is impudent — " blow him up." Up
 
 AP8URP IDIOMS. 207 
 
 •where? Why, up to that situation which the follow- 
 ing synonymoug phrase holds forth — " Set him 
 doicn r 
 
 *' Til come imrneJiatelji" has a meaning opposed to 
 its intended import: and what are we to presume 
 from it but " I can't come;" — certainly, that I can't 
 come immediately, else why an excuse. I'll come 
 immediately, instantly, means, in the general ac- 
 ceptance of the word, "I can't come for some 
 time." 
 
 " Your house is on fire I" "Icanthelyjit." And 
 let me ask who would wish to help it ? for I venture 
 to say, there are few in the situation above hint^^d. 
 who would not think that fire, without calling in any 
 assistance, was sufficiently rapacious. 
 
 " No matter'" is commonly misapplied, and plainly 
 speaks discontent. One is disappointed, and for- 
 mallysays " no matter." though actually and bona 
 fide it is a matter perhaps of the very^reatest conse- 
 quence. 
 
 *' Come a little farther this ica;/." Now farther im- 
 plies a greater distance; but come intimates approx- 
 imation ; so that a person attempting to obey this 
 command, literally, must stand still, unconscious 
 how to proceed. 
 
 A person wanting another says, " I sliall drop i 
 upon him in tJie course of the day." How does he 
 drop ?" 
 
 When the wind blows hard we say it is high, though 
 in fact, it is unusually low, or near the earth — and on 
 the other hand, is high when we hear nothing of 
 it." 
 
 •' I beg your pardon." " Fra]i dcn't mention it.'' 
 Your good advice comes too late. I have &aid it, 
 nor can I retract.
 
 208 THE PIOUS ROQLlf. 
 
 A puff' direct . 
 
 An itinerant pedlar, wishing to recommend his ra- 
 zors to the gaping crowd, thus addressed them. 
 " Gentlemen, the razors I hold in my hand w.^e 
 made in a cave by the light of a diamond, in the fa- 
 mous province ot Andalusia in Spain. They cut as 
 quick as thought, and are as bright as the morning 
 ftiar, A word or two more, and I am certain you 
 will buy them. Lay them uudor your pillow at 
 night, and you will find yourself clean shaved when 
 you wake in the morning." 
 
 T/w pious rogue. 
 
 "Have you aught more whereof your conscience 
 should be purged," said the venerable Father An- 
 selm, adilressing a kneeling sinner at the confes- 
 sional. 
 
 " Yes, holy father," replied the penitent, " I have 
 committed the foul sin of thelt— 1 have stolen this 
 waicll ■• will you aceept of it ■'' 
 
 '' Me !'^ exclaimed the pious priest — "me receive 
 the fruit of tny viikiciy^' How darest thou tempt me 
 to the commission of so abominable a crime? Go 
 instantly, and return the watch to its owner." 
 
 " I have already offered it to him," replied thp 
 culprit: and he has refused to receive it again— 
 therefore, holy father, I beseech i/ou to take it " 
 
 " Peace, wretch !" rejoined Anselm ; " you should 
 have repeated the offer." 
 
 " I did repeat it, holy father, and he persisted in 
 the refusal." 
 
 •' Then I must absolve thee from the sin thou hast 
 cotrmitted." 
 
 Uhe purified Catholic had scarcely departed, when 
 the astonished Father discovered L'ual his own watch 
 b*'V! been a.tolen from the place ^;'nere it had been d«- 
 pUsToducdr the confessional.
 
 A PULPIT Bi LL. 209 
 
 Oui and Yaw ! 
 A Frenchman arid a German had one sausage be- 
 tween them for supper. The question was, how 
 it should b-? divided " Let us cut it in two," said 
 the Frenchman. " Rather," replif'd the German, 
 " let each of vis take an end between our teeth, and 
 at a given sij-iial pull for our portion." "Agreed!" 
 exclaimed tJ.e other: the sausaje was seized, and 
 each fixed hts teeth in the end that was nearest to 
 him. " Are vou ready ?" growl-'d Mynheer. "Oui," 
 replied Morfsieur, through his clenched teeth — " are 
 you ?" " \aw ;" ejaculated the German, giving the 
 signal, and dropping both jaw and sausage in the 
 necessary open ejaculation of the word. Thus the 
 sausage fel! wholly to Monsieur's lot. 
 
 Pulpit bnll. 
 A popular preach r enriched his sermons occasion- 
 ally with this jewel: — "Remember, I beseech you, 
 brethren, siever to forget that we are all sailing down 
 the stream of time, and must inevitably land at last, 
 in the g; eat ocean of eternity." 
 
 ] elter missive 'rorn the King of Cockaigne to Childe 
 
 Harold. 
 He of the heath and hearth-rug. potent king I sent 
 an aquatic invitation to tea and buttered toast to the 
 an«.'hor of 3ia»;/rec/, which has eluded the lynx optics 
 <.<t AhasLierus the Wanderer. We have been favour- 
 ed with a copy of the original document, which runs 
 thus : — 
 
 ^' My dear Bvron, (of course again, refer to Rimi- 
 ni,) it will be high vcater iti the plat^'d tea-pot at half- 
 fiast six to a second; the cups will almost immediate- 
 y after pus/i ojf. Pray drop your stern, for we mean 
 to be/uTin?/. Bring y-ur scuZZ on jrour shoulders — 
 but, for the love of Love, unless you want a rcyj 
 Ui.\e your oar bchinu Yours, <S.c."
 
 2i0 A LONG LEASE. 
 
 The cit and the soldier. 
 " You're an arrant seducer, I know" — 
 
 The citizen cries ; 
 " Then your wife has been blabbing, I'll row' *— » 
 
 The soldier replies. 
 
 Long lease. 
 A few years ago a bill was exliibtted in a shop 
 window, which ran precisely thus : — " These premi- 
 ses to let — on a lease — 115 feet in length!" 
 
 A woman' s simile, 
 A prince having appointed an ignorant and unlet- 
 tered fellow to the oflficeof librarian, a waggish wo- 
 man observed, " That it was like confiding a seraglio 
 of beauties to the care of an eunuch. 
 
 The ghost. 
 
 A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and told 
 him, with a very long face, that he had seen a ghost. 
 " When andwiiere?" said the pastor. " Last night, 
 (replied the timid man) I was passing by the church, 
 and up against the wall of it did I behold the spec- 
 tre." " What shape did it appear in?" asked the 
 priest. " Why, it appeared to be the shape of a 
 great ass." "Go home," rojoiaed he, "and hold 
 your tongue about it. You are a very timid man, 
 and have been frightened with your own silly sha- 
 dow." 
 
 Wringing wet. 
 It rained a deluge — Joseph reachedhome late, 
 The bell long tugged — at last, out popp'd a pate. 
 " Whose that there ringing now?" squalls sleepy 
 
 Bet. 
 " 'Ti§ I, you jade!" aays Joe — " I'm vrrinpngwet."
 
 PACICI? G. 211 
 
 Conaolatianfor a husbaTiid. 
 
 The iecond son of the Honourable George W 
 
 wa? a young man of such weak intellect that it was 
 determined he should pass his life in the quiet re- 
 tirement of the country. His amusements consisted 
 in hunting, shooting, &c. but, alas ! notwithstand- 
 ing the secluded life he led, he found an object that 
 he deemed a fit companion for his solitary hours, in 
 the person of his father's housemaid Remarried 
 her, and ail went smoothly on until the lady was ta- 
 ken in labour. The goodness of heart of the young 
 squire then showed itself. He shed tears over her 
 in abundance, adding, in the bitterness of Ins grief, 
 *' that he never would for;^'ive himself for the pain 
 she endured on his account."' " Don't make yourself 
 uneasy," said his amiable spouse, " it distresses me 
 to seeyouso much affected, for Fm sure its not your 
 fault."' 
 
 Packing. 
 
 An Irish gentleman, sojourning at an hotel at 
 Margate, felt much annoyed at the smallness of the 
 bottles, considering the high price of the wine. 
 
 One evening taking a glass with a friend in the 
 &o.ffee-room, the pompous landlord came in, when 
 the gentleman, apologizing to him, told him that he 
 and his friend ht^u laid a wager, which he mn&t de- 
 cide by telling them what profession he was br'^d to. 
 The landlord, after some hesitation at the question, 
 answered that he was bred to the law. " Then I have 
 lost, (said the gentleman) for 1 laid that you were 
 bred a packer.,' " A packer, sir ! (exclaimed the 
 host, swelling like a turkey-c-ock) what could induce 
 you, sir, t>o think 1 was bred a packei ?" " Why, 
 sir, (said the ovher) 1 judged &o from your wine 
 measures, for I thought no man but a skilful packer 
 could init a quart of wine into a pnnt bottle."
 
 212 A Law or METTLE. 
 
 A Lecture on Tails. 
 
 A monkey's tail is a useful appendage — he partly 
 lives by it. Hedoes not, of course, eat it, but some* 
 times he procures a living with it, by going back- 
 wards into the water, putting his tail in as a bait, 
 and catching muscles and crabs. 
 
 A dog's fail is emblemmatical of drollery. He 
 wags his tail when he is pleased, and a man is often 
 called a droll dog. If he is a wit, he is designated a 
 
 VMg. 
 
 A !ic\i'stale is a pictnre of rage when he wags it, 
 — anda beaver's tale is often a troublesome one; for 
 when he is pursued, his tail being too heavy for his 
 progress, he turns round and bites it off. 
 
 A salmon, when he war.ts to jump, puts his tail in 
 his mouth — a picture of many in life who wish to 
 appear to rise in the world, and who really Lave 
 much trouble to make both ends meet. 
 
 A cow's tail is not at all ornamental, but it is 
 useful, nevertheless, to brush off flies and other an- 
 noyances that may infest the owners. It is useful, 
 also, in ox tail snup. 
 
 We all know that Old , but " we breathe not 
 
 his name," is amply provided with this appendage. 
 " As backward and forward he switched his long, 
 tail. 
 
 As a gentleman switches his cai.«?." 
 
 But to put an end to this tale, reii.in '.s me of a 
 tough job I once had in cutting a dog's tail off. 
 Dear, reader — whenever you want to perform the 
 like to any Tray or Jowler, take fomething better 
 than a pair scissors. 
 
 A lad of mettle. 
 
 Old Dr. Doe, the dentist, had aboy who was a fool 
 
 all his young days. When Malachi was eighteen 
 
 he got him a place in a stable. The first day he 
 
 commenced horse jockey, the hostlers persuaded him
 
 THE TWO DANGERS. 213 
 
 they were much finer dentists than his father, and, 
 to convince him, they tied apiece of whipcord round 
 one of his teeth, and fastened the other end of it to 
 a stall-post. Then one of them came and threatened 
 the end of his nose with the pronp of his pitchfork^ 
 80 that Malachi drew back his head with a jerk, and 
 out came the tooth. This and two or three other 
 jokes that boys get played upon them in a stable, 
 put young Malachi on his mettle, so that after a 
 few years, his father began to glory in him, 
 
 Innocence. 
 At aparty of Cantaba, soon after Queen Caroline's 
 trial, one of the gentlemen proposed as a toast, "The 
 Queen's pure nzrzocence." Upon which, another of 
 the party rose and said, " I have no objection to the 
 toast, with the substitution of a letter." To which 
 innovation the proposer consent'ng, he gave " The 
 Queen's pure 171-710-867186 ' 
 
 A creeping generation. 
 The precentor of a country church in England, 
 when he came to the following verse in the first 
 chant of the morning service, sung out, in his usual 
 whining nasal tone, and uniformly scratching his 
 head on pronouncing the two last words, "Forty 
 years long was I grieved with this generaticn." 
 
 The two Dangers. 
 A person named Danger kept a public inn on the 
 road from C. mbridge to Huntingdon. Another inn, 
 nearly opposite his own happening to become va- 
 cant, Danger applied for it, thinking it a more eligi- 
 ble situation — in fact, Danger changed bides. Dan- 
 ger's late residence was, in consequence, in want of 
 a master, and advertised to be let. A tenant was 
 soon found, who, being a waggish fe'llow, and, with-
 
 214 UNIMPROVED WASTES. 
 
 al, desirous that the change of proprietrs should be 
 known to wayfaring men, posted over his door on a 
 board, " No danger here now." Mr. Danger v^as 
 sorely troubled at these words, conceiving that they 
 intended to imply somothing more than a mere 
 change of masters, and took an opportunity of men- 
 tioning the circumstance to some Cantabs.who call- 
 ed at his house soon alter ; one of them advise-d him 
 to place over his door, in equally conspicuous cha- 
 racters, " Danger from the other side of the way." 
 
 This double entendre was highly relished, and many 
 in consequence were very often induced to seek 
 Danger. 
 
 Epigram. 
 Tom says " he nothing oioes" — and so I say — 
 He only owes, who something luxs to pay. 
 
 Unimproved wastes. 
 Lord Somerville was lately preparing apian for 
 cultivating the interior icastes of Africa, to the great 
 disappointment of the old maids, who declared it a 
 most uncharitable proceeding, whilst so many waists 
 remained unimproved at home. 
 
 A heav^jfnll. 
 An Trish peasant seeing a partridge that was &hot 
 fall from a considerable h-eight, picked it up, and 
 runni.ng with it to the gent'leman who had killed it, 
 cried out, '• Arrah, your hono-ur need not have shot, 
 the fall would have killed him." 
 
 A groundless estate. 
 A geutleman meeting an old friend whom he had 
 uotse^n for along tinre, congratulated him on re- 
 cently comirg into p€-ssef,sion of a large landed es- 
 tate. " There was such a report, (replied the other) 
 biijt you may depe.'jd on it, that it was entirely 
 groundless "
 
 THE REAL CALEB QUOTEM. 215 
 
 Friendly ackice. 
 A lady desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of 
 a work she had just written, adding, that if it would 
 not do, she begged him to tell her, for ?he had other 
 irons inthefire; and in case of its not being likely to 
 succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then, 
 (said the Doctor, after turning over a few leaves,) I 
 advise you, madam, to put it where your irons are." 
 
 The real Caleb Quotem. 
 
 At Kirton, near Boston, (my story is true) 
 Lives a curious character, equall'd by few ; 
 His vocations, though num rous, in each he does 
 
 shine, 
 If not quite the first, in the very first line. 
 As an Artist, his temples well merit a wreath, 
 His colouis on canvas seem almost to breathe ; 
 In portrait or landscape there's few to excel him — 
 Of rivals in shaving presume not to tell him. 
 As Grocer and Hosier his fame is well known — 
 As Carver and Gilder, and graver of stone ; 
 As Venderof Music, and noted Musician, 
 A Butcher, aCobbler, a learned Physician. 
 A hanger of paper, and, what is more curious, 
 A Vender of Medicines, patent — not spurious. 
 As a Sportsman not equall'd — a Dealer in Guns — 
 A Pieman, a Tovman, a Maker of Buns. 
 As a Chemist his name is deservedly known, 
 His ointment excels all the ])atents in town. 
 As Stationer, Varnisher, Miller, and Baker, 
 Barometer-seller, and Violin Maker. 
 "With other professions distinguish'd he stands, 
 And business extensive in each he commands. 
 Ye book learn'd, ye curious, pray give him a call — 
 His paintings are beautifu — no WestalTs bettei, 
 Though to any master he ne'er was a debtor. 
 But as Footman and Butler was known when a boy, 
 Then thrashing and reaping became his employ ;
 
 216 LIST OP NEW COMPANIES. 
 
 But for genius inventive his compeers are few. 
 Though ^to see him perhaps you might think him a 
 
 Jew. 
 As a compound of trades he's £ challenge to any; 
 Then call at his shop, where he shaves for a penny ! 
 
 List of proposed New Companies. 
 
 1, — The Imperial Rat-catching Company — to poi- 
 son all species of vermin, and slop up rat-holes. 
 This Company will have enough to support it in the 
 Chapel oftet. Stephen's alone. 
 
 2. — The Royal Dust-hole and Cinder-sifting Com- 
 pany — to work by night, and consume its own dust 
 and eff uvia. 
 
 3. — The United Chimney-sweeping and Shop 
 DirtCompany — to be worked by patent brooms and 
 portable steam engines. 
 
 4 — The Genuine Radish, Turnip, Potatoe, Kid- 
 ney-bean, and Green-pea Company — to grow vege- 
 tables on the new principle of concentrating Calo- 
 ric. 
 
 5 — The British Economical Horse and Cow Dunif 
 Company — to be worked by save-alls, applied to the 
 animals' tails. 
 
 6 —The Pure and Unsophisticated Brick Dust 
 Company — for supplying the advertising Doctor* 
 ■with wholesome powders. 
 
 7. — The English Self-acting Hackney Coach 
 Company — to obviate the insolence of Drivers, and 
 afford clean and wholesome cushions to passengers. 
 
 8. — The Double Acting Self-supplying Bellows 
 Company — for the purpose of puffing in every 
 branch of business. 
 
 9. — The Impenetrable and Brazen Assurance 
 Company — for the purpose of showing m^nied men 
 how to lay out their capital, and meant as an oppo- 
 fcition to the Stock Exchange giiitry.
 
 EXAMINATION OF A WITNESfl 21" 
 
 Spenrnen of an Examination of a Witness at tlie Old 
 
 Bailey. 
 
 BARRISTER AND WITKESS. 
 
 Bar. Call Johi. Tomkins. 
 
 Tom, Here! [He is sworn.'] 
 
 Bar. Look this way, What s your name? 
 
 Tom. John Tomkins. 
 
 Bar. John Tomkins, eh ? And pray, John Tom- 
 kins, what do you know about this affair? 
 
 Tom, As I was going along Cheapside 
 
 Bar. Stop, stop — not quite so fast, John Tomkins. 
 When was you going along Cheapside? 
 
 Tom. On Monday, the 26th of June. 
 
 Bar. Oh, an ! Monday, the 26th of June. And 
 prav, now, how came you to know it was Monday, 
 the'26thof June? 
 
 Tom. I remember it very well. 
 
 Bar. You have a good memory, John Tomkins. 
 Here is the middle of November, and you pretend to 
 remember your walking along Cheapside iu the end 
 of June. 
 
 Tom. Yes, sir; I remember it as if it was but yes- 
 terday. 
 
 Bar. And pray, now, what makes you remember 
 it so very well ? 
 
 Tom. I was then going to fetch a midwife. 
 Bar. Stop there, if you please. Gentlemen of 
 the Jury, please to attend to this. Sq, John Tom- 
 kins — you, a hale, hearty man, was going to fetch a 
 midwife. Now answer me directly — look this way, 
 Bir — what could you possibly want with a midwife ? 
 
 Tom. I wanted to fetch her to a neiglibour's wife, 
 who was ill a-bed. 
 
 Bar. A neighbour's wife ! What, then you hay* 
 no wife of your own ? 
 Tom. No, sir. 
 
 Bar. Recollect yourself. You say you have n» 
 wife of your own.
 
 218 EXAMINATION OF A WITNESS. 
 
 Tom, No, sir : I never had a wife. 
 
 Bar. None of your quibbles, friend. I did not 
 aslf you if you ever had a wife. I ask you if you 
 have now a wife, and you say no. 
 
 Tom. Yes, sir ; and that is the truth. 
 
 Bar. «' Yes, sir" — and " no, sir ' — and " truth!" 
 We shall soon find that out. And there was nobo- 
 dy to fetch a midwife but you ? 
 
 Tom. No ; my neighbour lay ill himself 
 
 Bar. What ! did he want a midwife, too ? 
 
 Tom. He lay ill of a fever, and so I went to serve 
 him. 
 
 Bar. No doubt you are a very serviceable fellow 
 in your way. But pray, now, after you had fetched 
 the midwife, where did you go ? 
 
 Torn. I went to call upon a friend 
 
 Bar. Hold! what time in the day was this ? 
 
 Tom. About seven o'clock iu the evening. 
 
 Bar It was quite daylight, was it not ? 
 
 Tom. Yes, sir; it was a fine summer evening. 
 
 Bar. What I is it always daylight in a summer 
 evening ? 
 
 Tom. [Smiling.] 1 believe so. 
 
 Bar. No laughing, sir, if you please — this is too 
 serious a matter for levity. What d d you do when 
 you went to call upon a friend ? 
 
 Tom. He asked me to take a walk, and when we 
 were walking, we heard a great noise 
 
 Bar. Where was this ? 
 
 Tom. Why, in the street. 
 
 Bar. Pray attend, sir. Be kind enough to tell 
 me the name of the street. 
 
 Tom. I don't know the name of the street, but it 
 runs down from 
 
 Bar. Now, sir, upon your oath, do you say you 
 don"t know the name of the street ? 
 
 Tom. No, I don't. 
 
 Bar. Did you neTer hear its ^
 
 EXAMIN\TION OE A AVITNF.SS. 219 
 
 Tom. Why, if I have heard it, I don't remember 
 it. 
 Bar. Do you always forget what you hare heard ? 
 Tom. No. I may have heard it it, but have quite 
 forgot it. 
 
 Bar. Well, sir, perhaps we may fall upon a way 
 to make you remember it. 
 
 Tom. I would tell you if I knew it. 
 
 Bar. Oh, to be sure you would — you are remark- 
 able communicative. Well, you heard a noise, and 
 went to see it. 
 
 Tom. Yea; we went to the house where it came 
 from. 
 
 Bar. So — it came from a house. Pray what kind 
 of a house? 
 
 Tom. " The Cock and Bottle" — a public-house. 
 
 Bar. "The Cock and Bottle!" Why I never 
 heard of such a house. Pray what has a Cock to do 
 with a bottle ? 
 
 Tom. I can't tell. That is the sign. 
 
 Bar. Well, and what passed then ? 
 
 Tom. We went in to see what was the matter, and 
 the prisoner there 
 
 Bar. Where? 
 
 Tom. Him at the bar thero — T know him very 
 well. 
 
 Bar. Fou know him? How came you to knovr 
 him ? 
 
 Tom. We worked journey-work together ence ; 
 and I remember him very well. 
 
 Bar. So — your meinory returns. You can't tell 
 the name of the street, but you know the public 
 house, and the name of the prisoner at the bar. You 
 are a very pretty fellow ! And pray what was the 
 prisoner doing ? 
 
 Tom. When I saw him, he was- 
 
 Bar. When you saw him i Did I aak you what he 
 was doing when you did *)ot see him? 
 
 K
 
 220 EXAMINATION OF A WITNESS. 
 
 Tom. We understood he had been fighting. 
 
 Bar. Give us none of your understanding— tell 
 us what you saw. 
 
 Tom He was drinking some Hollands and water. 
 
 Bar. Are you sure it was Hollatids and water ? 
 
 Tom. Yes — he asked me to drink with him, and I 
 just put it to my lips. 
 
 Har. No doubt you did, and most likely did not 
 take it soon from them. But now, sir, recollect you 
 are upon your oath — look at the jury, sir — upon your 
 oath, will you aver it was Hollands and water ? 
 
 Tom. Yes, it was. 
 
 Bar. What ! was it not plain gin ? 
 
 Tom. No, the landlord said it was Hollands. 
 
 Bar. Oh, now we shall come to the point. The 
 landlord said ! Do you believe everything the land- 
 lord of " The Cock and Bottle' says? 
 
 Tom. I don't know him well enough. 
 
 Bar. Pray what religion are you of? 
 
 Tom. The Protestant. 
 
 Bar. Do you believe in a future state ? 
 
 Tom. Yes. 
 
 Bar. Then what passed after you drank the Hol- 
 lands a»."id water ? 
 
 Tom. I heard that there had been a fight and 
 tnan killed ; and I said, " Oh, Robert, I hope you 
 Lave not done this ?" and he shook his head. 
 
 Bar. Shook his head. A.nd what did you under- 
 stand by his shaking his head? 
 
 Tom. Sir? - 
 
 Bar. I say again, sir, what did you understand by 
 his shaking his head ? 
 
 Tom. 1 can't tell. 
 
 Bar. Can't tell? Can't you tell what a man 
 means when he shakes his head ? 
 
 Tom. He said nothing. 
 
 Bar. I don't ask you what he said. What did 
 you say? 
 
 Tom. What did I say '!
 
 EXAMINATION OF A WITNESS. 221 
 
 Bar. Don't repeat my words, fellow, but come to 
 the point at once. Did you see the dead man ? 
 
 Tom. Yes ; he lay in the next room. 
 
 Bar. And how came he to be dead ? 
 
 Tom. There had been a fight, as I said before ■ 
 
 Bar. I don't want you to repeat what you said be- 
 fore. 
 
 Tom. There had been a fight between him and the 
 prisoner 
 
 Bar. Speak up — his lordship don't hear you. 
 Can't you raise your voice ? 
 
 Tom. There had been a fight between him and the 
 prisoner at the 
 
 Bar. Stop there. Pray when did this fight begin ? 
 
 Tom. I can't tell exactly; it mieht have been an 
 hour before. However, the man was quite dead. 
 
 Bar. And so he misht have b^en if the fight had 
 taken place a month before. That was not what I 
 asked you. Did you see the fight ? 
 
 Tom. No — it was over before we came in. 
 
 Bar. We ! what we ? 
 
 Tom. 1 and my friend. 
 
 Bar. Well — and it was over — and you saw no- 
 thing? 
 
 Tom. No. 
 
 Bar. Gentlemen of the Jury, you'll please to at- 
 tend to this. He positively swears he saw nothing 
 of the fight. Pray, sir, how was it that you saw no- 
 thing of the fight ? 
 
 Tom. Because it was over before I entered the 
 house, as I saidbefore. 
 
 Bar. No repetitions, friend. Was there any fight- 
 ing after you entered ? 
 
 Tom. No; all was quiet. 
 
 Bar. Quiet 1 You just now said you h eard a noise. 
 
 Tom. Yes; we heard a nois° 
 
 Bar. Speak up, can't you ? Don't hesitate so. 
 
 Tom. The noise was from the people, crying and 
 
 lamenting 
 
 K 2
 
 222 EXAMINATION OF A WITNESS. 
 
 Bar. Don't look to me — look to the jury. Well, 
 crying and lamenting 
 
 Tom. Crying and lamenting that it happened, and 
 all blaming the dead man. 
 
 Bar. Blaming the dead man I Why 1 should 
 have thought him the most quiet of the whole. 
 But what did they blame him for ? 
 
 Tom. Becouse he struck the pri oner sev ral 
 times without any cause. 
 
 Bar. Did you see him strike the prisoner ? 
 
 Tom. No : bat I was told that 
 
 Bar. We don't ask you what you was told. What 
 did you see ? 
 
 Tom. I saw no more than what 1 have told you. 
 
 Bar. Then why do you come here to tell us what 
 you heard ? 
 
 Tom. I only wanted to give t'?e reason why the 
 company blamed the deceased. 
 
 Bar. Oh, we have nothing to do with your rea- 
 sons, or theirs either. 
 
 Tom. No, sir; I don't sav you have. 
 
 Bar. Now, sir — remember you are on your oath. 
 You set out with fetching a midwife : I presume you 
 now went for an undertaker. 
 
 Tom. No, I did not. 
 
 Bar. No! that is surprising. I wonder thepri- 
 soner did not employ such a friendly man as }ou. 
 
 Tom. He did not. We went away soon after. 
 
 Bar. And wh'et induced you to go away ? 
 
 Tom. Why, it became late, and we could do no 
 good. 
 
 Bar. I dare say you could not. And so you come 
 here to do good, don't you? 
 
 Tom. I hope to do no harm. I have spoken like 
 an honest man, and don't know anything more of 
 the matter. 
 
 Bar. We shan't trouble you farther. Stay, John 
 Tomkins. Pray, sir, what did the prisoner drink his 
 Hollands and water out of ?
 
 THE POACHER 223 
 
 Tom. A pint tumbler. 
 
 Bar. A pint tumbler ! What, a rummer ? 
 
 Tom. I don't know: it was a glass that holds a 
 pint. 
 
 Bar. Are yon sure it holds a pint? 
 
 Tom. I believe 80. 
 
 Bar. Ay, when it is full, I suppose. You may go 
 your ways, John Tomkins. A pretty hop.'ful fel- 
 low, that ! 
 
 The Poacher. 
 BillBl' ssom was a nice young man, 
 
 And drove the Bury coach; 
 But bad companions were his bane. 
 
 And egg'd liim on to poach. 
 
 They taught him how to net the birds, 
 
 And how to noose the hare; 
 And with a wiry terrier. 
 
 He often set a snare. 
 
 Each" shiny night" the moon was bright, 
 
 To park, preserve, and wood 
 He wtnl, and kept the gamealive^ 
 
 By killing all he could. 
 
 Land-owners, who had rabbiis, swore 
 
 That he had this demerit — 
 Give him an inch of warron, he 
 
 Would take a yard of ferret. 
 
 At partridges he was not nice ; 
 
 And many, large and small. 
 Without Hall's powder, without lead, 
 
 Were sent to Leadenhall. 
 
 He did not fear to take a deer 
 
 From forest, park, oclawn; 
 And without courting lord or dukf , 
 
 Vied frpquently to faum.
 
 224 
 
 COMMON TATERS 
 
 Folks who I ad hares discovered snares, 
 
 His course they couid not stop : 
 N-i uarber ne, and yet he made 
 
 Their hares a perfect crcp. 
 
 To pheasant he was such a foe. 
 
 He tried the keepers' nerves; 
 They swore he never seem'd to have 
 
 Jam satis of preserves. 
 
 The Shooter went to beat, and found 
 
 ^ No sporting worth a pin, 
 Unless he tried the covers made 
 Of silver, plate, or tin. 
 
 In Kent. the game was little worth, 
 
 In Surrey not a button ; 
 The Speaker said he often tried 
 
 The Manors about Sutton. 
 
 No county from his tricks was safe : 
 
 At eac^ he tried his lucks, 
 And when the keepers were in Beds, 
 
 He often was at Bucks. 
 
 And when he went to Bucks, alas. 
 
 They always came to Herts; 
 And even Oxon nsed to wish 
 
 That he had his deserts. 
 
 But going to hre usual Hants, 
 
 Old CJieshire laid his plots : 
 He got entrapp'd by legal Berks, 
 
 And lost his life in Notts. 
 
 Common-taters. 
 A clergyman of Devon, aftei having endeavoured 
 to explain soaie ditlcult text, said, " I know that 
 commentators do not agree wilh mb." The next
 
 ABSTRACT OF AN ACT. 225 
 
 day a farmer in his village brought him a basket of 
 potatoes, and said, that as nis reverence said that 
 eommontaters did not agree with him, he had brought 
 him a basket of his oest kidneys, which, he hoped, 
 would be more wholesome. 
 
 Abstract of an Act, intituled an " Act for the Amend- 
 ment of an Act for the Amendment of the Poor Laics.' 
 To be passed on the First of April next. 
 
 Preamble. Abuses all former Acts, and repeals 
 them accordingly. 
 
 Clause 1. Empowers paupers to act as Church- 
 wardens and Overseers ; to form their own vestriss, 
 and pass laws for their own relief. 
 
 Clause2. Provides for weekly tavern dinners for 
 the same; and stipulates for a bountiful supply of 
 turtle-soup, venison, burgundy, chamgagne, hock, 
 claret, and rose-water. 
 
 ClaiiseS. Enacts that pensions of not less than 
 one thousand pounds per annum shall be granted to 
 all former Churchwardens andOverseers, as a com- 
 pensation for their loss of office ; and that they shall 
 each be raised to the rank o-f baronet, as a compensa- 
 tion for their loss of dignity. 
 
 % Clause 4. Enacts that every able-bodied pauper, 
 who can work, shall be allowed five guineas per 
 week each, and two guineas for each of their chil- 
 dren, illegitimate or otherwise; and, should any re- 
 fractory pauper refuse this allowance, and prefer 
 breaking stones at a penny per bushel, he shall be 
 forthwith committed to the custody of the keeper of 
 the London Tavern, if in the city of London, or of 
 some inn or hotel, if any other part of the kingdom, 
 and be compelled to feast like an alderman, until he 
 show symptoms of contrition. 
 
 Clause 5. That as many paupers may prefer be- 
 ing boarded and lodged, suitable mansions shall be 
 erected for the purpose, in cheerful and airy situa-
 
 226 ABSTRACT OF AN ACT. 
 
 tiona ; to "which governors shall be appointed, to be 
 elected by the paupers, for the due regulation there- 
 of. And if, on the complaint of one or more of the 
 said paupers, it shall appear that the said governor 
 hath, on any occasion, omitted to provide them with 
 all due necessaries, such as silver forks, doileys, fin- 
 ger glasses, napkins, or othor indispensable matters, 
 or hath omitted to serve their tea, coffee, or choco- 
 late in silver pots, and china cups and saucers ; or 
 substituted plain lump for double-refined lump su- 
 gar, or milk for cream, or tallow for wax candles, or 
 a feather-bed for a down bed; or neglected to keep 
 the harp or piano in proper tune, or to furnish clean 
 linen once a day (if they desire it, but not other- 
 wise) ; or presumed to call them out of bed before 
 twelrr at noon, unless specially directed so to do; 
 or behaved disrespectfully, or omitted to stand un- 
 covered in thf'ir presence, &c. &c. &c. for each and 
 every such offence, the said governor shall be com- 
 mitted to the tread-mill for not less than six calen- 
 dar months. 
 
 Clause 6. Each pauper, who is a boarder as afore- 
 said, shall be at liberty to invite as many friecds as 
 he pleases to a grand dinner party, to be holden 
 once a week, a concert and ball to be holden twice 
 a weekj and a grand concert and ball to take place 
 four times in the year ; on which occasion the said 
 paupers, or a committee thereof shall be at liberty to 
 engage any of the Italian or German singers, pro- 
 vided their terms do not exceed one hundred guineas 
 each per night. 
 
 Clause 7. Allows a premium of fifty guineas to 
 the mother of every illegitimate child born in the 
 said mansion. 
 
 excuses. Enacts that the halt, the maimed, and 
 the blind, together with all aged, infirm, diseased, 
 idiotic, and insane persons, and all who are unable, 
 throagh mental or bodily incapacity, to maintain
 
 EPIGRAM. 227 
 
 themselves, shall be allowed the liberty of begging 
 their bread on the king's highway, by which public 
 sympathy will be powerfully awakened, and pauper- 
 ism effectually discouraged. 
 
 Clause 9. Enacts that all the monies necfessary 
 for carrying the foregoing provisions into effect, 
 shall be disbursed from the pockets of the honest 
 and industrious. 
 
 Clause 10. Enacts that this Act shall neither be 
 altered, amended, nor repealed. 
 
 To an old Coquette^ 
 My heart you might capture, 
 
 I'd frankly confess, 
 If you'd twenty teeth more, ma'am, 
 
 And twenty years less. 
 
 Eijilaph (n an Amateur AutJior. 
 Mourn the untimely fate of Amyntor, 
 
 An ephemeral author — poor fellow ! 
 ; e was born in the house of his Printer, 
 
 And died as he reach'd his Bookseller. 
 
 On a Widow. 
 For the loss of her husband, Priscilla, 
 
 To deceive us all makes a great pother : 
 She, like the green twig of a wi low. 
 
 Burns at one end, and weeps at the other. 
 
 A grammatical discovery 
 In one of the principal schools in Edinburgh, • 
 few weeks ago, as the masti r w^as examining his pu- 
 pils on the plural of nouns, after having passed 
 dice, teeth, geese, and many others, he asked one, 
 whom he had not prrviously questioned, what was 
 the plural of penny. The boy, with great coolness, 
 and apparently certain of being correct, replied, 
 K 3
 
 228 NOISY PIGS. 
 
 ' Ttoopence!" The laughter that succeeded may 
 well be imagined. 
 
 Noisy pigs. 
 Foote being upon a visit at Lord Townshend'a 
 at Raynham, happened one morning to look into 
 the pig-stye, and saw a silver spoon among the pigs' 
 victuals. One of the housemaids coming by and 
 perceiving Mr. Foote, cried out, " Plague on the 
 pigs, what a noise they make !" " Well they may," 
 said Foote, " for they have but one silver spoon be- 
 tween them." 
 
 A recipe to stop begg ing. 
 
 A. person at Barnsley, in Yorkshire, having been 
 annoyed by swarms of beggars coming to his house, 
 and his refusing to give them anything not at all 
 preventing their att'Miding as usual, he at last sent 
 for a painter, and ordered him to write upon his 
 door the words " Police Office.'' The beggars after 
 this were seen to come as usual, but on their view- 
 ing the writing on the door, they made a speedy and 
 laughable exit. The experiment had the desired ef- 
 fect. 
 
 Creation of a waistcoat, 
 
 A young Quaker from a distant county came to 
 London, and being struck with the gaudy fopperies 
 of the age, he commenced being a beau. Among 
 other articles of dress he ordered a blue satin waist- 
 coat trimmed with silver, and in this he returned to 
 his father, who said — " How didst thou get this 
 trumpery waistcoat, for the vain adornment of thy 
 outward man ?" " I created it," said the son. 
 "Created it!" echoed the father. " Yea," returned 
 young Aminadab, " for I said let it be made, and it 
 was made."
 
 EPITAPH ON A CORONER. 229 
 
 Vagabond policy. 
 A country gentleman going one very hot day into 
 his fields, perceived his footman lying doling under 
 an oak, " What, fellow," said he, " is the reason 
 that you lie lounging in this manner, while others 
 are at work ?" " You see, sir, " replied the valet, 
 I am so extremely fatigued, that I am unable to 
 stand on my legs." "Sluggish rascal! if I once 
 take my cane to you, I warrant I shall make you 
 rise. Get up, insolent knave — you ought to perish 
 with hunger, and are unworthy that the sun should 
 shine on you." " I am quite conscious of that, sir, 
 (returned the fellow, yawning) and have therefore 
 taken care to lay myself in the shade." 
 
 Epitaph on a Coroner, who hanged himself. 
 He liv'd and died, 
 Bysu'cide, 
 
 An old axiom well applied. 
 A Roman being about to repudiate his wife, 
 among a variety of other questions from her enraged 
 kinsmen, was asked — " Is not your wi'"e a sensible 
 woman? Is she not a handsome woman ? Has she 
 not borne you fine children ?" In answer to which 
 questions,'sl.pping off his shoe, he held it up, and 
 interrogated them in his turn — " Is not this a shoe ? 
 a very handsome one ? Is it not quite new ? Is it 
 not extremely well made? How, then, is it that 
 none of you can tell me where the shoe pinches ? 
 
 Retort from a child. 
 
 A very diminutive man, instructing his young 
 son, told him if he neglected his learning he would 
 never grow tall The child observed, " Father, did 
 you never learn anything?" The lather was quite 
 at a loss lor a reply.
 
 230 A CERTAIN CURE. 
 
 Gnseonnade. 
 Some one was speaking in the presence of a gen- 
 tleman from Gascony, of tlie gallant acts of the 
 French Generals, and among others, it was said, 
 that in two charges a certain prince had killed six 
 of the enemy with his own hand. " Bah ! (said a 
 Gascon) what a wonderful thing! Why even my- 
 self, such as you see me, all the mattrasses in my 
 house are stutfed with the whiskers of those I killed 
 last war. That may be worth notice, but not such 
 trifles as you talk of. 
 
 A cure f r tJie Piles. 
 A young lady being in a large company of young 
 persons of both sexes, was observed to be, contrary 
 to what was natural to her, very demure and seri- 
 ous, this she explained by observing that she had a 
 sore lip, and that talking or laughing put her to the 
 greatestpain. A youg gentleman who was present, 
 and who was much in love with her — though he met 
 witii anything but kindness for his attentions, gal- 
 lantly observed that he could recommend i certain 
 cure, by her allowing him to kiss the part affected, 
 at the same time attempting to apply the remedy. 
 The fair one coldly repulsed him, desiring him to 
 keep his recipe till he met with some one who had 
 the piles. 
 
 Tlie gipsies and pig. 
 Every one knows that gipsies are not a bit too 
 honest. A gang of these gentry having taken up 
 their quarters for a short time in a certain village, 
 resolved not to be idle in their calling. Though 
 they generally make it a rule to respect the persons 
 and property of those who hospitably receive them, 
 yet want, or opportunity, ortheir natural propensity 
 induced them on this occasion to long for a certain 
 pig which belonged to the headborough of the said
 
 MONKISH BULL. 231 
 
 village. They were not long before they found 
 means to lay their hands on it, and stifling the un- 
 lucky porker's cries for mercy, they conveyed it to 
 the barn in which they had been allowed to take up 
 their residence, where they killed it, unknown to 
 any one but themselves. The next morning the pig 
 wes reported absent without leave, and suspicion fell 
 on the Egyptian tribe, and it was resolved to search 
 their residence. As one of their scouts soon brought 
 thorn the news, they laid the pig out veny decently 
 at full length in the middle of the barn, and covered 
 it over with a sheet, placed a lighted taper at the 
 feet, and a woman and two children at the head, cry- 
 ingand bewailing most harmoniously. 
 
 This was scarcely arranged, when a party of the 
 villagers arrived to search the barn, who were told 
 that one of the gipsies, the husband and father of 
 the woman and children they saw and heard crying 
 had died during the preceding night, and they were 
 paying him the last duties, according to their custom. 
 The countrymen swallowed the bait, and after hunt- 
 ins everywhere else in the barn, retired convinced 
 the pig was not there, and that they had wrongfully 
 suspected those /lonesf people, and that piggy had gone 
 astray of itself. However, to make all sure, the gip- 
 si s thought it would be most prudent to change 
 their quarters, and that they might remove their dead 
 without risk, they informed the headborough that 
 their deceased brother had desired to be buried in a 
 particular place, which they named, and had the ef- 
 frontery to request the loan of a waggon and horses 
 to convey the body to its destination, which was 
 gnodnaturedly and unsuspectingly granted. 
 
 A rncnidnh hvll 
 An Italian monk has written the life of St. Francis 
 Xivier, where he asserts that by one sermon hecon- 
 Tcrted ten thousand persons in a desert island.
 
 232 FORESTALLIMO. 
 
 A trip to tlie Holy Land. 
 A certain person meeting a friend one day in th 
 street whom he had not seen for a long time, among 
 other common-place civilities, asKed how his wife 
 was. " I have just left her, (replied his friend) on 
 the way to the Holy Land." " That is a long jour- 
 ney, (rejoined the other) for her to take." •' Not so 
 long as you think. It is no great distance from our 
 house to the church-yard, where I think she will soon 
 go; and I requested the minister to wait for the fees 
 for burying one of my children who died lately, till he 
 performs the same office formy wife. 
 
 Fore-stalling, 
 
 A gentleman, endeavouring to put up his gig at 
 "V^'^andsworth at a review, was told there were already 
 three horses in a stall, " Oh, then (exclaimed his 
 companion) if that is the case, we are completely 
 forestalled.^* 
 
 Consoling opinion. 
 An attorney one day meeting Sheridan walking 
 •with another gentleman in Piccadilly, he told him 
 that he had been apprenticing his daughter, a very 
 beautiful girl, to a fashionable dress-maker in Bond- 
 street, at the same time asking his opinion of his fa- 
 mily arrangement. " Depend upon it (said Sheri- 
 dan) that she is in a fair way of being ruined as a 
 boy is to become a rogue when he is first put clerkto 
 a lawyer." 
 
 A tender wish, 
 A beggar in Dublin had been a long time besieg- 
 ing an old testy gouty limping gentleman, who re- 
 fused his mite with much irritability; on which the 
 mendicant said, " Ah, plaze your honour, I wish your 
 heart was as tender as vour toes.'*
 
 FISH AND FI-ESH. L33 
 
 Fish and Fieah. 
 A country gentleman, going to dine with a neigh- 
 bour, where there was to be a large party of ladies, 
 and being upon the most intimate terms with him, 
 entered the house unceremoniously, and found his 
 way into the kitchen. It so happened that the cook 
 had just left. The parties were all Catholics, and it 
 was jour mnigre. Our inquisitive risitor saw in one 
 corner of the kitchen a large tub of water, in which 
 were a considerable number of live carp. This af- 
 forded him pleasure, as it was a promise of a good 
 dinner — a thing to which he was by no means indif- 
 ferent. However, finding himself alone in the 
 kitchen, he could not help thinking on the morrow, 
 and how well one of those carp would eat at his own 
 house, dressed in his own way: he therefore took 
 out one of them and deposited it in his breeches — 
 concluding that he should never be suspected, even 
 if the fish were missed. He then took his way to 
 the dining-room, which he entered, and it being 
 w inter time, he took his seat among ihe ladies, near 
 the fire. He had not been there leng before the un- 
 lucky carp, feeling the fire, began to wriggle. By 
 chance one of the ladies perceived it, and laughing 
 within herself, told her neighbour, and in a short 
 time the eyes of all the females were directed to- 
 wards the prison of the uneasy fish, and a general 
 titter took place. My geutieman, finding all eyea 
 directod towards him, and sensible that the titter- 
 ing was at his expense, and being by no means defi- 
 cient in brass, said^-" I see, ladies, what you are 
 laughing at ; but you know that appearancea are of- 
 ten deceitful, and I will convince you they are so in 
 this instance ;" so saying, he began to put his hand 
 into his breeches. The ladies quicklv began to take 
 flight, and to hide their faces behind their half-open 
 fingers. " No, no, ladies," said he, " be not afraid;
 
 234 AN EYE TO BUSINLSS 
 
 it is not the animal you think," Then, producing 
 the carp, observed — " I think the laugh is now 
 against you ; for I would hold you a bet that vou 
 thought it w^sfiesh, and noijish." 
 
 Where all drunkards go to. 
 The late Mr. Neill, one of the ministers of the 
 West Church, when taking a walk in the afternoon, 
 saw an old woman sitting by the road-side, evidently 
 much intoxicated, with her bundle lying befoie her 
 in the mud. He immediately recognized her to be 
 one of his parishioners. " V\'ill you just help me 
 up with my bundle, gude man?" said she, as he 
 stopped. " Fie, fie, JanPt," said the pastor — '• to 
 see the likeo'you in such a plight. Do you know 
 where all drunkards go to ?" " Ah, sure," said Ja- 
 net — '. they just go whar a drop o'gude drink is to 
 be got." 
 
 An eye to business, 
 * Well, what trial's next to this for stealing wiue ?" 
 A .lew stepp'd forward — "Vy, my lord, it's mine." 
 •♦ Well," sa-d the judge, " then yon must state the 
 
 case — 
 You have been here before — I know your face." 
 " V'y, yes, my lord; my face is a looking-glass, 
 Wre you may see de form of every ass." 
 " What's that you say? 1 don't right hear your 
 
 brogue." 
 " I eay, my lord, de prisoner dere's a rogue. 
 But if your lordship please I'll tell de story, 
 And reasons vy de rogue is brought before you. 
 One rainy day I travell'd on de road. 
 My heart beat on my ribs — it did forbode 
 Some dreadful ill ; and never in ma life 
 Vus it e'er wrong, but ven I took a vife. 
 My skin vas vet quite through and through, no 
 
 doubt;
 
 MARCH OF INTELLECT. 235 
 
 1 stopped to vet inside as veil as out, 
 
 And having got a glass, ry off I shet, 
 
 Striding through thick and thin, and dirt, and Tct. 
 
 But you will ax vat made me so fast post, 
 
 Vy I forgot, my lord, to pay de host. 
 
 I giggled ven 1 gotoutshide de door. 
 
 But hadn't got a mile, my lord, before 
 
 T)at vhite-fac'd plackguard from de hedge did pop, 
 
 He knock'd me down, and robb'd me of my shop." 
 
 Hero Moses ceased, and gasped awhile for breath, 
 
 And waited till he heard the verdict " Death." 
 
 The day arrived, the morn it rose so fair. 
 
 That half the world, and Moses too, was there, 
 
 And on the platform boldly took his stand. 
 
 And shook the dying pris'ner by the hand. 
 
 The hangman told him to be gone in vain — 
 
 Whene,er he turn'd, the Jew was there again. 
 
 " Good bye." said Moses, and he shook his head ; 
 
 The hangman heard him, and again he said — 
 
 " All night you'll stay here staring, I suppose?" 
 
 " Lord ! Thy I only vant to puy his clothes )'' 
 
 March of intellect. 
 A gentleman the other day visiting a seminary, 
 had a book put into his hand for the purpose of exa- 
 mining a class. The word inheritance occurring in 
 the verse, the querist interrogated the youngster as 
 follows: — " What is inheritance ?" " Patrimony?" 
 " Something left by my father." " What would you 
 call it if left by a mother ?" " Matrimony." 
 
 Origin of the word " Ostler." 
 
 A gentleman, on arriving at an inn, promised the 
 ooiler that if he would take particular care of his 
 hor&e during his stay, he would, in addition to. his 
 usual fee at parting, tell him the true origin of his 
 appellation — ostler. The iiid.u was zealously atten- 
 tive, in the hope of the portion of wisdom promised
 
 236 THE BLISTER. 
 
 him; and, on the traveller's setting out, reminded 
 him of it. " Oh, yes," said the gentleman, mounted 
 and moTing off, " ostler is an ascertained corruption 
 of oat-stealer." 
 
 The blister. 
 Mrs. Tabitha Waddle, of Billingsgate Ward, 
 
 Was woefully troubled with fits, 
 Aud with midnight vagaries would oft wake her 
 
 lord, 
 Mr. Deputy Waddle, of Billingsgate Ward, 
 And scare him clean out of his wits ! 
 
 Mr. Deputy Waddle, though fond of his spouse, 
 Thought this nightly disturbance a bore. 
 
 And once ventur'd to say — " I'll not sleep in the 
 house. 
 
 For you know, Mrs. Waddle, I'd not give a souse 
 To snooze less than two hours at a snore '" 
 
 Waddle, hopeless of rest, took his wife to a quack. 
 Told her case, and begged Puff would assist her; 
 Puff, nobly disdaining the regular track 
 But just taking a hint from the lady's broad back, 
 Said—" I'll send Mrs. Waddle ablister!" 
 
 Night came, and the blister came too, which full 
 close 
 
 On Dame AVaddle's broad shoulders was spread. 
 Mr. Waddle retired to his downy repose; 
 Mrs. Tab lagged behind, took her comforting doee 
 
 And then followhdher Waddy to bed! 
 
 The dearies were soon sound asleep — and the bell 
 
 Of the neighbouring clock had struck four. 
 When the Deputy jump'd out of bed with a yell — 
 (You'd have fanciedhe suffer'd the torments of hell) 
 And roll'd, writhing with pain, on the floor I
 
 IRISH WIT. 237 
 
 Up rose Mrs. Waddle in fluster and fright, 
 Seiz'd the rushlight, and shook like a jelly : 
 
 She started — she scream'd — for lo, horrible sight '. 
 
 The blister had slipp'd from her back in the night, 
 And stuck fast on the Deputy's belly. 
 
 Irish wit. 
 
 In repairing the street in which the celebrated 
 surgeon, Abernethy, resided, it happened that the 
 paving-stones were accumulatgd near his door. The 
 doctor angrily remonstrated with a Paddy labourer 
 on the occasion, and the following curious dialogue 
 ensued; — 
 
 Dr. A. Why the devil have you laid your rubbish 
 opposite my door, where so many carriages are daily 
 stopping? 
 
 Pat. Fa»ith, your honour, it must be laid some- 
 where till the strale is mended. 
 
 Dr. A. That may be — but it must not be laid 
 there, however. 
 
 Pat. Where can I put it, then, yonr honour? 
 
 Dr. A. Put it in hell, and be hanged to you, if 
 you like. 
 
 Pat. May be, I'd better put it in heaven, your ho- 
 nour — it would be more out of your honour's way. 
 
 The bushel of peas. 
 In a certain parish in Paris, a century and a half 
 since, the priest was obliged to give a bushel of peas 
 to any married man who chose to claim ti.pm, by as- 
 serting on oath that for twelve months after he was 
 married his wife had never contradicted him, and 
 ht d obeyed him in everything he ordered her to f'o. 
 For a century previous no one had appeared to de- 
 mand them. At length a young man came forward. 
 and asserted his right to the peas, declaring that for 
 the specified period (which was conipleted on that 
 very day) his wife had done whatever he wished.
 
 238 FAMILIES SUPPLIED 
 
 The priest believed him, and the peas were mea- 
 sured. He produced a napkin to put them in, but 
 found it was too small and would not contain an 
 eighth part of them. •' You should have brought a 
 bag for them," said the priest. " So I would," re- 
 plied the young man, " but my wife would not let 
 me ; and insisted that the napkin would hold all 1 
 should get." " By my troth," said the priest, " your 
 obedient wife knew better than you what you were 
 entitled to. Return home, young man, and advise 
 your wife to give you the bag." 
 
 Families supplied. 
 Mr, Nathaniel, or, as he was more familiarly than 
 respectfully termed by his old acquaintance. Natty 
 Gosling, was a gentleman living in a state of celi- 
 bacy, in a snug little house three or four miles 
 from the metropolis. He was tall and spruce — in 
 fact the very type of a bachelor, long primer. But 
 although Mr. Gosling was living in, he was certainly 
 far from enjoying, bachelorship. To his mind, it 
 was single curs^dness rather than single blessed- 
 ness. His sole ambition had always been to be 
 bound in that state of superior slavery very aptly 
 termed High- menial life. Yet, notwithstanding such 
 was the bent of his inclinations, Mr. Gosling was a 
 man of so bashful a temperament, that the affections 
 engendered in him by the sight of a female were ge- 
 nerally more of the nerves tnan of the heart. Never 
 was he left alone with the fair object of his admira- 
 tion but his cheeks instantly deepened into the hue 
 of a carrot, " et vax faucibus hcBsit.^' Extreme as his 
 case might be, yet he could n^ve^ bring his mind ei- 
 ther to pledge bis love orppihe question, and conse- 
 quently hfc had attained his fiftieth year without ha- 
 ving induced one ^HARB iimie to become the partner 
 of his fortunes. 
 
 Not unfrequentfy had he made an attempt to de-
 
 FAMILIES SUPPLIED, 239 
 
 cifi,re openly the emotions of his bosom, yet when- 
 ever he resolved to strike up to a lady he found he 
 had not courage to tell her, in plain terms, the admi- 
 ration he felt for her. 
 
 But, although Mr. Gosling had given over all ideas 
 of matrimony, so great was his partial ty to the little 
 attributes of a family man, that he not unfrequently 
 figured at the police-office for attempting to kidnap 
 some child whom he had found wanaering about the 
 streets. All he desired was a boy whom he might 
 adopt as his son ; yet he never tried to get a little 
 heir hat he invariably got into a breeze. 
 
 With a considerable degree of pleasure one morn- 
 ing he espied on the show-board of a chop-house — 
 "Hot joints from 2 till 6," and the very gratifying 
 appendix of " Families Supplied." At first he 
 doubted if such things could be, yet recollecting ha- 
 ving frequently heard of beggars borrowing a num- 
 ber of miserable-looking children to make their lot 
 seem as wretched as possible, he determined at least 
 to obtain a son and heir. 
 
 Mr. Gosling entered the shop, which he was at first 
 rather perplexed to find occupied by a female : 
 however the idea of at length being able to gratify 
 his wishes gave him courage, and he commenced — 
 "Ma'am, I believe you supply families." "Yes, 
 sir," returned the female ; "and shall be most happy 
 to accommodate you. We are all in the family- way 
 here." Mr. G. stared, but could discover no proofs 
 of the construction he had set upon her announce- 
 ment. " What would you please to have, sir ?" con- 
 tinued she; "would you have a little lamb, sir ?" 
 " A little lamb!" exclaimed Mr. Gosling; "a little 
 lamb is the very thing I have been longing for." 
 "Then," said the female, "I have not the least 
 doubt of pleasing you— I have a most beautiful leg 
 and neck." 
 
 Mr. Gosling was again all amazement. He cast
 
 240 FAfllLIES SUPPLIED. 
 
 h:3 eyes towards the upper part of the hostess, and 
 discovered a pair of round shoulders covered with a 
 hide as coarse and as red as her own undressed beef 
 stpaks. " What would you please to like with your 
 lamb?" continued she. " Would you like it with 
 carrots, sir ?" '-Carrots!" ejaculated Mr. G. "no, 
 anything but that, and I know I shall like the hair." 
 " I beg your pardon, sir," returned the female, "but 
 there isn't any /lare." "No hair!" exclaimed he; 
 *' how very strange ! Pray do vou supply many fa- 
 miliea?" " Many'" replied she ; " why on an ave- 
 rage at least twenty a day. No one can have any 
 idea of the labours of a house like this " " Why," 
 said Mr. G. " if you supply as mauv as twenty fami- 
 lies jier ch>7n, it is easy to believe the labours must 
 be rather excessive." " They are indeed, sir; re- 
 turned the hostess ; *' we're confined here from one 
 week's end to another." " So 1 should imagine," 
 said Mr. G. "And pray what may be your charges ?" 
 " So much a pound, sir ; accordiug to what you have." 
 " So much a pound !" muttered Mr. Gosling;" a cu- 
 rious way of selling children. And what may be 
 the price of a little lamb, ma'am ?" "The leg, sir, 
 is lOd. the neck Sd the shoulder lOd. and the chops 
 SJ. apiece." "How very curious!" mumbled the 
 bachelor. '* And for that it is delivered at your 
 own house." " I beg your pardon, ma'am," cried 
 Mr. Goslincj, "but that is a ceremonyl would rather 
 dispense with. I should be most happy for you to 
 give me a little child." " '\\ hat, sir!" interrupted 
 the astonished hostess, " you would be most happy 
 for me to give you a little child ! You hoary sinner, 
 my husband shall teach you what it is to come here 
 and insult an honest female ! " 
 
 So saying, she shrieked loudly for her aforesaid 
 Detter half. 'The very name of husband was enough 
 to frighten the astonished Mr. G. He burst open 
 the door and made for his house with the utmost
 
 LINES ON SLEEP. 241 
 
 possible speed, vowing for the future to give up al 
 his soft ideas of ever becoming a family man. 
 
 Curran and thefieas. 
 John Philpot Curran had a perfect horror of fleas ; 
 nor was this very extraordinary, since those vermin 
 seemed to show him particular hostilily. When 
 they infested a house, he used to say, that" they al- 
 ways flocked to his bedchamber when they heard he 
 •was to sleep there." He was once dreadfully an- 
 noyed in his way to Carlow ; and on making his 
 complaint in the morning to the woman of the 
 house — "By heavens, madam," cried he, " they were 
 in such numbers, and seized upon my carcass with 
 so much ferocity, that if they had been unanimous, 
 and all pulled one way, they must have dragged me 
 out of bed entirely." 
 
 'Lines eccasioxied by a Gentleman marrying a Miss 
 
 Sleep. 
 I care not for those giddy scenes 
 
 That half the world on tiptoe keep; 
 I hold them alias idle dreams, 
 
 And would much rather go to Sleep, 
 
 What are all the joys of life — 
 
 How poor the harvest we can reap ; 
 
 Nights of care, and days of strife — 
 From such, oh let me fly to Sleep. 
 
 Ambition has no charms for me — 
 
 I would net climb the dang'rous steep; 
 
 From blood-stained laurels I'd be free — 
 My utmo8t^lca;o;_ing is for Sleep. 
 
 Had I the wealth that Croesus had, 
 My heart with joy would never leap ; 
 
 I'd»hold it light, and shouldbe glad 
 To fly from gold, and go to Sleep.
 
 242 uOG.-j. 
 
 The sparkling goblet tempts not m» — 
 Its madd'ning follies make me weep; 
 
 From midnight revels let me flee, 
 And, oh ! do let me go to Sleep. 
 
 At times some meretricious dame, 
 
 Bewitching in my face would peep ; 
 But she ne'er rais'd an am'rous flame, 
 
 But made me long to go to Sleep 
 
 When bound to foreign climes I steer'd, 
 And brav'd the tempests of the deep — 
 
 The raging storm I only fear'd. 
 Because I could not go to Sleep. 
 
 When led by Hyman to my bride, 
 
 I eager flew — (for who would creep ?) — 
 
 And sat me fondly by her side, 
 
 Then turn'd me round, and went to Sleep. 
 
 Logs. 
 The printer of the Western Gazette lately pub- 
 lished the following notice. " Dry stove-wood 
 wanted immediately at this oflSce in exchange for 
 papers. N. B. — Don't bring logs that the devil can't 
 split." 
 
 Funerals^ 
 Frank Harman was a droll dog. When he buried 
 his wife, a friend asked him why he expended so 
 much money on her funeral. " Ah, sir, (replied he) 
 she would have done as much or more for me with 
 pleasure." 
 
 A queer Cookery book. 
 " Has the eookery-book any pictures V said a lady 
 to her bookseller. " Nu, madam — none," was the 
 answer. " Why, then," exclaimed the witty cub-
 
 DISTANT FRIENDS. 243 
 
 tomer, " what is the use of their telling us how to 
 make a good dinner if they give us no plates ?'' 
 
 Distant fri ends. 
 A person, well skilled in geography, asked a loan 
 of money of a friend, aud urged his suit by stating 
 that he had been in all quarters of the globe, and 
 had friends in each. He was asked their names and 
 dealings. ♦' Oh, (said he) I have often dealings 
 with Tim Buctoo, in Africa, for ivory — with my old 
 friend Ben Gal, for rice; Bil Boa sends me fruit 
 from Spain; and there is Pat Aponia and Sam 
 
 O'Thracia, and Frank Onia, and " "Hold! 
 
 (renlied the other) you can't be on good terms with 
 friends who keep themselves at such a very great dis- 
 tance," 
 
 Village wit 
 " What think you of our curate?" said a country 
 gossip to her friend — " all the week he shuts him- 
 self up for fear of the bailiffs, and on a Sunday you 
 cannot hear a word he says." "Think! (said her 
 friend) — why I think six days he hin&isible, andthe 
 seventh incomprehensible." 
 
 Spectacles, 
 
 Dr. Franklin was so near-sighted that he always 
 wore spectacles. When tie was last in England, 
 walking down Ludgate Hill he accidentally pushed 
 against a man carrying a heavy load. The pprter, 
 supposing it purposely done, called out, " Damn 
 your spectacles /" "Thank you, my friend, (replied 
 the Doctor, coolly) this is not the first time my spec- 
 tacles have saved my eyes. But for them, no doubt 
 it would have been ' damn your eyes /' " 
 
 Mayor ofGarratt. 
 On the worthy Alderman named Garratt being 
 I.
 
 244 CAPACIOUS BREECHES. 
 
 elected to the Mayoralty, Lord Denman (then Com- 
 mon Serjeant) facetiously observed," They^have not 
 only at |this meeting made a Lord Mayor, but a 
 Mayor of Garrau.' 
 
 Advantages of Tobacco. 
 The following quaint lines are to be found In an 
 ancient collection of Epigrams, preserved in the 
 British Museum 
 
 All dainty meats I do defye, 
 
 Which feed man fat as swine — 
 He is a frugal man indeed, 
 Who on a leaf can dine. 
 He needs no napkin for his handa 
 
 His finger ends to wipe — 
 
 He keeps his kitchen in a box, 
 
 His roast meat in a pipe. 
 
 Capacious breeches. 
 
 In the days of Queen Bess, it was the fashion to 
 wear such large breeches (^small clothes they could 
 not be called) that the then pilferers often made 
 them a vehicle for plunder. It is on record, that a 
 man was detected conveying therein two pair of 
 sheets, two table cloths, six napkins, a bottle of wine, 
 and half a cheese. 
 
 Look after the books. 
 
 " Betty," said a bookseller, " take care of the door 
 while I drink my tea," "No, no, Betty — (exclaimed 
 her wiser mistress) — leave the door to take care of 
 itself, and look to the books.^' 
 
 Tick ! tick ! 
 A gentleman having paid off all the debts of an ex- 
 travagant son, the young gentleman, after being 
 most profuse in his thanks, observed — "Now, sir, all
 
 CHARACTER OF A HORSE DEALER. 245 
 
 will 20 on as smooth as clock work." " No, no, 
 Tom — (said the old gentleman, in a significant tone) 
 no more of tyonr clock-work, 1 entreat you. I have 
 had enough of tick, tick 1" 
 
 Character of a horse deal^. 
 
 Ahorse dealer is a double dealer, for he dealeth 
 more in double meanings than your punster. When 
 he giveth his word it signitieth little, howbeit it 
 etandeth for two significations. He putteth his pro- 
 mises liks his colts, in a break. Over his mouth, 
 Truth, like the turnpike-man, writeth up no triut. 
 Whenever hespeaketh, his spoke hath more turns 
 than the fore-wheel. He telleth lies — not white 
 only, or black, but likewise prey, bay, chesnut, 
 brown, cream, and roan — pyebald and skewbald. He 
 sweareth as many oaths out of court as any man. and 
 more in ; for he will swear two ways ab ut a horse's 
 dam. If, by God's grace, he be something honest, it 
 is only a dapple, for he can be fair and unfair at 
 once. He hath much imagination, for he selleth a 
 complete set of capital harness, of which there be no 
 traces. He advertizeth a coach, warranted on its 
 first wheels, and truly the hind pair are wanting to 
 the bargain. A carriage that hath travelled twenty 
 summers and winters, he calleth weil-seasoned. He 
 knocketh down machine-horses that have been 
 knocked up on the road, but is so tender of heart to 
 his animals, that he parteth with none for a fault; 
 for he sayeth, blindness or lameness be misfortunes. 
 A nag, proper only for dog's meat, he wnteth down, 
 but crieth up " fit to go to any hounds :" or, as may 
 be, " wouldsuit atimid gentleman." String-halt he 
 calleth grand action, and kicking, lifting the feet 
 well up. Should a mare have the farsical disease, 
 he nameth her " out of Comedy," and selleth Black- 
 bird for a racer because he hatha running thrush. 
 Roaring he calleth sound, and a steed that high 
 L 2
 
 /46 TP.E COBBLER. 
 
 bloweth in running, hecompareih to Eclipse, for he 
 outstrippeth the wind. Anolhor might be entered at 
 a steeple chase, for why — he is as fast as a church. 
 If he runneth away, he calleth him " off the Gretna 
 Road, and has been used to carry a ladr." If a cob 
 stumbleth, he considereth him a true goer, and ad- 
 deth " the proprietor parttth from him to go abroad." 
 Thus, without much profession cf religion, yet is he 
 truly Christian-like in practice, for he deakth not in 
 detraction, and would not disparage the character 
 even of a brute. Like unto Love, he is blind unto 
 all blemishes, and seeth only a virtue, meanwhile he 
 gazeth at a vice. He taketh the kick of a nag's hoof 
 like a love token, saying before standers by, " Poor 
 fellow — he knoweth me' — and is content rather to 
 pass as a bad rider, than that the horse should be 
 held restive or over-mettlesome, which discharges 
 him from its back. If it hath bitten him beside, and 
 moreover bruised his limb against a coach-wheel, 
 returning good for evil, he giveth it but the better 
 character, and recommendeth it before all the steeds 
 in his stable. The worse a horse may be the more he 
 chauntethhis praise — like a crow that croweth over 
 Old Ball, whose lot is on a common to meet with the 
 common lot — to be devouredby the ravenous ravens. 
 
 The cchhler. 
 A cobbler atLeyden,who used to attend the pub- 
 lic disputations held at the academy, was once asked 
 if he understood Latin ^ " No, (replied the mecha- 
 nic) but it is easy to know who is wrong in the argu- 
 ment." " How ?,' enquired his friend. " Why by 
 seeiug who is angry first." 
 
 Wliere there's a will tliere's a way. 
 
 Where there's a will, you're pleas'd to say, 
 A man may always find his way.
 
 NO JOKE. 247 
 
 Vs ould you could make that fact appear 
 Forsafe in jail I've been a year — 
 And, though my will is very stout, 
 I find no way of getting out. 
 
 No joke. 
 
 A gentleman residing on his estate on the road to 
 Dorking, and within a few miles of that town, find- 
 ing his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set up a 
 board in a most conspicuous situation to scare of- 
 fenders by the notification that "Steel traps and 
 spring guns are set in these grounds;" but finding 
 that even this was treated with contempt, and his 
 fruit vanished as before, he caused to be painted in 
 very prominent letters underneath — ''No joke, by 
 G — ,'' which had the desired effect. 
 
 Let well alone. 
 
 An Irishman being on a long journey in a part of 
 thee ountry where Macadam's useful talents had ne- 
 ver been exercised, at length came to a mile of ex- 
 cellent road. Over this he kept trotting his horse 
 backwards, and forwards, till some spfectators, a littl-j 
 surprised at this singular method of travelling, en- 
 quired the reason of it. " Why, fsaid he) I like to 
 let well alone; for from what I have seen of the 
 road, I doubt whether I will find a better bit of 
 ground all the way." 
 
 Look at the jury. 
 
 A young fellow, who was lately examined as a wit- 
 ness in a cause for defamation, was a little circumlo- 
 cutory in giving his evidence. The judge desired 
 him to give the exact words he heard the defendant 
 speak. " He said, my lord, you are a cuckohl." 
 " Stop, (said his lordship) looka'i the jury."
 
 248 ONE TOO MaXY. 
 
 A convenient nap. 
 
 Two Oxford scholars slept in the same room at 
 College. "Jack." says one, early in the morning, 
 " are you asleep?" •' Why ?" enquired the other. 
 " Because, If yoji are not, I will borrow a sovereign 
 of you." " Is that ail ? Then 1 am asleep," replied 
 the other. 
 
 One too many. 
 One of the most famous divisions of Bonaparte's 
 army was the 70th. It happened that the 71st Bri- 
 tish regiment, commanded by Brigadier-General 
 Pack was opposed to it, and beat it. This gallant 
 officer was afterwards asked the particulars of this 
 affair. His account was," The French found us one 
 too many for them.'* 
 
 A trip to the Holy Land* 
 A certain person meeting a friend one day in the 
 street, whom he had not seen for a long time, among 
 other common-place civilities, asked how his wife 
 was. " I have just left her, (replied his friend) on 
 the way to the holy land." " That is a long jour- 
 ney (rejoined the other) for her to take." " Not so 
 long as you think. It is no great distance from our 
 house to the churchyard, where I think she will soon 
 go ; and I requested the minister to wait for the fees 
 for burying one of my children who died lately, till 
 he performs ter same office for my wife." 
 
 Crying no sign of sorrow 
 Dr. Johnson remarked one day that crying had a 
 rery indeterminate signification, and he exemplified 
 it thus : — 
 
 So a man that turnips cn>s, 
 If he cry not wken his father dies, 
 Proves that he wouln rathf-r 
 Have a turnip than his lather
 
 HIGH PLvy. 249 
 
 Advantof^es of low prices. 
 A gentleman in one of the steam packets, asked 
 the steward, when ke went round to collect the pas- 
 sage money, (of sixpence each for the Ix-st cabin^ 
 if there was not some dantrer of being blown up ? 
 "None whatever, (replied the other promptly) we 
 cannot afford to blow people up at these very low 
 prices." 
 
 High play. 
 A gentleman once playing at cards was guilty of 
 an odd trick, on which the company, in the warmth 
 of their resentment, threw him out of the window 
 of a one pair of stairs room. The sufferer meeting 
 a friend some time after, was loudly complaining of 
 this usage, and asked what he should do. "Do? 
 (said the other) why never play so high again " 
 
 A reason for crying. 
 Dean Swift relates that a very pious and orthodox 
 parish clerk always began to cry soon after the Te 
 Deum had commenced. Being asked the reason, he 
 repli'^d, " Cherubim and Seraphim continually do cry, 
 and 80 do I." 
 
 Legitimacy. 
 A countryman, being a witness in a court of jus- 
 tice, was asked if he was born in wedlock. " Noa, 
 zur, (answered the man) I was born jn Devonshire.'* 
 
 Droll epitap-i. 
 
 The following epitaph is to be found in a church 
 yard in Ireland. "Here lies Father, and Mother, 
 and Sister Nan. Father wag drowned on his pas- 
 sage from America — Mother died in Scotland, and 
 Sister Nan in Cork. Had they all lived, they would 
 have bean buried here."
 
 250 A CURIOUS CATALOGUE. 
 
 St. Swithin. 
 The clerk of a retired parish in the West of Eng- 
 land, with much simplicity enquired of the rector, 
 if St. Swithin was not the anniyersary of the De- 
 luge ? 
 
 A curious Catalogue. 
 A Catalogue of a very valuable Collection of An- 
 tique and Modern Articles, particularly suited to 
 Noblemen, Incendiaries, Antiquaries, and Actors; 
 including, in one Lot, a Free Admission to Covent 
 Garden Theatre, and Two Hundred copies of — 
 •' Pleased, let me trifle time away;" also, A Mouse 
 in Spirits, that ran across Queen Adelaide's foot, as 
 she was going to a closet. To be Sold by Auction 
 by Mi. John Hammersmith, on April the 1st, 1842, 
 at 12 for G precisely at his Great Rooms, Little 
 Turnstile, owing to the Decease of a Gentleman who 
 will never die in our memory. ^^ The Particulars 
 of the Mouse will be given to thePurchaser upon an 
 Gath of Secrecy. 
 
 CONDITIONS OF SALE. 
 
 \. — Every bidder will be expected to say some- 
 thing. 
 
 n. — Every purchaser is expected to take the arti- 
 cle away with him, under his arm, if not exceeding 
 500 weight. 
 
 HL — No lot to be put up twice, as the exposure to 
 air might make another gentleman liable to be 
 knocked down. 
 
 IV. — No decision of the auctioneer to be disputed- 
 as he will have various friends in different parts of 
 the room. 
 
 V. — There is no duty imposed upon anything, 
 therefore No imposition. 
 
 VI.— Everything must be cleared from the Great
 
 A CURIOUS CATALOGUE. 251 
 
 Room by 12 o'clock at night, as the whole building 
 13 expected to give way every instant. 
 
 CATALOGUE. 
 
 1 A bottle of tapeworms and six custards 
 
 2 A pint of lamp oil and two pots of honey 
 
 3 A tantadhn tart and five wigs 
 
 4 An ensravingofRoslyn Castle, and the Fiddler's 
 
 Guide 
 
 5 Tom Cooke's last, and Sir George Smart's^rst 
 
 6 A violin tutor and two patent scrapers 
 
 7 A Treatise on Fishing, by Hook 
 
 8 The Life of Turpin, edited by Bobbins 
 
 9 An engraving of the proposed Cemetery on 
 
 Primrose Hill, and a copy of "Farewell to the 
 Mountain" 
 
 10 Two corns taken from a pilgrim to Rome in the 
 
 sixteenth century 
 
 11 A substantial pair of shoes, made for a Welsh 
 
 girl who died in her 99th year without even 
 trying them on 
 
 12 A box of new-laid eggs — the first ever imported 
 
 from America 
 
 13 A keyed bugle and two blankets 
 
 14 A flannel petticoat, supposed to have been worn 
 
 in a hot country, as it cannot be dried — a 
 great curiosity 
 1.") A fine painting of a Conspiration in a pondered 
 wig 
 
 16 A curious Chinese toy. representing a man-trap, 
 
 whichopens and displays a lady's spminary 
 
 17 A patent walking-stick, containing » fishing rod, 
 
 umbrella, writing desk, cabinet pianoforte, 
 and a boot jack 
 
 18 A portrait of Taglioni and a bottle of capers 
 
 19 A History of the Spanish inquisition and The 
 
 Pleasures ol Memory 
 
 20 Two black-and-white spaniels and an ounce of 
 
 bark 
 
 L 3
 
 252 A CURIOUS CATALOGUE. 
 
 21 The Life of John Braham, Esq. and O'Connell's 
 
 Voice of the People 
 
 22 A. flourishing concern and a portrait of Madame 
 
 Giulietta Grisi 
 
 23 A box of Morrison's Pills and a Treatise on 
 
 Working People 
 
 24 Two razors and the music of Blue Beard, 
 
 25 Two black draughts and Cramer's Exercises 
 
 26 Six emetics, and a spurious edition of "How to 
 
 bring up your children" 
 2? A child's little chair and six tumblers 
 2a Three mops and a telescope 
 
 29 Two pair of crutches and a skipping rop 
 
 30 Feather bed and a scarlet hunting coat 
 
 31 A square piano forte and t*vo toasting forks 
 
 32 A pair of superb g-^ofces and six dish covers 
 
 33 Two low chairs and a ladder 
 
 34 Six pair of spurs and a warming-pan 
 
 35 A wo night chairs and a stomach pump 
 36? A sedan chair and a pot of anchovies 
 
 37 Twelve raspberry tarts and some sticking pluis- 
 
 ter 
 
 38 One pot of bear's grease and a gridiron 
 
 39 Six bottles of champagne and the Beggar's 
 
 Opera 
 
 40 Five<nuslin frocks and a copper teakettle 
 
 41 Two easy chairs and a mousetrap 
 
 42 A silk umbrella and a showerbath 
 4o Two fat irons and an ice pail 
 
 44 iAn operaglass and two pair of leather breechetj 
 
 45 A bottle of Cheltenham salts and a pot of rouge 
 4(? One dozen of claret and five pepper boxes 
 
 4< A tin coal scuttle and two soup ladles 
 
 46 Hume's History of England and Ellis's Guide to 
 
 Heaven 
 
 49 Four Bath Bunns and a fire shx)vel 
 
 50 A camera obscuraand the Light of other-days 
 
 51 A collection oftlie Satirist newspaper and the 
 
 School for Scandal
 
 CURIOUS CONVERSATION. 253 
 
 52 A history of the Fallen Ansels and a spiendid 
 
 portrait of the Bishop of London 
 
 53 A portrait of Phil Stone and two microscopes 
 
 54 A History of the church of Rome from the earli- 
 
 est period and a Treatise on Flat Fish 
 
 55 A portrait of Rossini and all the modern operas 
 
 56 A plan of the new House of Lords, and one vo- 
 
 lume of the Ruin of Empires 
 
 JEWELLERY. 
 
 57 A portrait of John Reeve and a sot of tnpaz 
 
 58 A fine painting of CharlesKemblf, Braham, Mrs. 
 
 Wood, T. Cooke, Barnett, Baife, and Mi 
 Bunn, consulting in the Green Room of 
 Drury LaneTheatre — and a brilliant ring 
 
 59 A History of a Man starved to Death, and the 
 
 Pleasures of Hope 
 
 60 A List of Births and Marriages, and the Last of 
 
 the Mohicans 
 
 61 A cradle and two milk walks 
 
 62 A History of England and The Refuge for the 
 
 Destitute 
 Lot last — A nest of young Robins found under the 
 Piazza of Covent Garden. 
 
 Curious conversatic-n. 
 
 A curious conversation lately took place on board 
 one of the Margate hoys, which beina overheard, 
 occasioued no small merriment among the passen- 
 gers. 
 
 A gentleman who was totally unacquainted with 
 the customs of those vessels, neglected to look out 
 for a birth till all the cabins were doubly occupied, 
 one excepted, in which there was a lady. He thus 
 addressed himself to her. " Pray madam, be so kind 
 as to make way for me." " Good God, sir ! you 
 cannot come here — go to the other cabins." " Tiiey 
 are all full, madam." " Sir, it is impassible to admit 
 you here, for I am undressed." " Well, mad;>rr, I 
 scorn to take any advantage of you I will therefore 
 undress too !' "*'
 
 254 JOKE OR EARNEST. 
 
 A'o issue to try. 
 
 One nisi pniwday Lord Carleton entered the court 
 over which he presided, looking unusually gloomy. 
 He apologized to the bar for being necessitated to 
 adjourn the court and dismiss the jury for that day, 
 " though (proceeded his lordship) I am aware that 
 an important issue stands for trial: but the fact is, 
 I have met with a domestic misfortune, which has 
 altogether deranged my nerves. Poor Lady Carle- 
 ton (in a low tone to the bar) has most unfortu- 
 nately miscarried, and " 
 
 " dh, then, my lord, (exclaimed Curran) there 
 ■was no necessity for your lordship to make any apo- 
 logy, since it now appears that your lordship has no 
 i3s%eto try." 
 
 The chief justice faintly smiled, and retired. 
 
 Joke or earnest. 
 
 Two Irish labourers happening to have a few 
 words, one who was very stout and tall struck his 
 neighbour, who was quite the reverse, a smart box 
 on the ear, without betraying any very marked symp- 
 toms of irritation. " Is that in earnest or joke, Pat ?" 
 cried the other, rubbing the part smarting from the 
 effects of the chastisement. "In earnest," replied 
 Pat. " I am glad to hf-ar that," said the other, " as 
 I don't like such jokes." 
 
 Disadvantages of Knowledge, or the Dictionary at 
 fault. 
 
 •' A little learning is a dangerous thing," says 
 Pope, and a great deal of learning is very often 
 found to be a troublesome thing. 1 was nevermore 
 convinced of this truth than I was the other day, 
 whilst waltint? in the coach office of tre Whjte Bear, 
 Piccadilly, to take a place in tlie OoWr Coach, I 
 overheard a conversation tftat ccmvinced me a man 
 
 i
 
 THE DICTIONARY AT FAULT. 255 
 
 might become a foreignor in his r.\rn country, more 
 easily than a native in any otlier: and, by too inti- 
 mate an acquaintance with the Dictionary, render 
 himself more unintelligible to the Qjultitu'de than if 
 he were entirely ignorant of it. The interlocutors 
 in this instance were a short fusby ^^^ntleman, (who 
 looked like a duodecimo edition of Dilworth) aud a 
 thick heavy carrotty-poUed countryman, a porter, 
 whose arrival with a large trunk, the gentleman had 
 been apparently waiting with much impatience. 
 
 " Dilatory fellow!" said the Lexicographer, (for 
 such, by his conversation, he evidently was) where 
 have you been loitering, defalcating your time so 
 egregiously ?" 
 
 " What did you say, measter?" replied the Coun- 
 tryman. 
 
 Lexi. Did you meet with any casualty in your way 
 that stopped you so ? 
 
 Coun. Na, he wur an old acquaintance that stop- 
 ped me — Jemmy Hancock I 
 
 Lexi. Num ! and so you procrastinated with him, 
 eh? 
 
 Coun. Na, I didn't. I went to the "Goat in 
 Bootc" wi' him. 
 
 Lexi. Ah, had your dinner in the interim? 
 
 Coun. Na, we had it in the tap room. 
 
 Lexi. Blockhead ! the terms are synonymous. 
 
 Coun. Are they? I thought 'em very dear ; ten- 
 pence for eggs and bacon ! 
 
 Lexi. Confound the fellow ! How does this 
 amalgamate ? 
 
 Coun. Oh, I never stopped foi that. 
 
 Lexi. Ah ! Totally abstracted from the conse- 
 quences — fell into a reverie on your road, I dare 
 say. 
 
 Coun. Na, I didn't. I fell into a ditch though 
 Ale were so strong! 
 
 Lexi. And came out covered with chagrin?
 
 256 A QUIZ. 
 
 Coun. Na, but there wur plenty o'mud ! 
 
 Lexi. Impervious dolt ! Chagrin, I said. 
 
 Coun. Green! Oh, I know now. We call it 
 chickweed in our parts. 
 
 Lexi. I shall lose all patience! You were born 
 imrorrigible. 
 
 Coun. Na, 1 wer'nt — I wur born in Yorkshire — 
 High Street, Wakefield. 
 
 Lexi. Again mistaking ! Do you never deviate ? 
 
 Coun. Na, T only goes out portering. 
 
 Lexi. You want common ratiocination, fellow ! 
 
 Coun. Na, I don't. I only vvant you to settle my 
 account — one-and-eight-pence. That can't be dear 
 for such a load as this. 
 
 Lexi. I am foiled with my own weapons Can 
 you not discriminate even in a common case? 
 
 Coun. Na — can't take any less. It's more than 
 three mile; and the case, as you call it, be mortal 
 heavy. 
 
 Lexi. I must succumb. There is your money, 
 fellow. Go your ways, and let me thank heaven I 
 am released from the purgatory of your excessive 
 obtusity. 
 
 Coun. 1 will, sir. But you be very welcome to it, 
 I can assure you ; and any other time I shall be 
 happy to serve you in the same way again, 'cause I 
 sees we understand one another, and there an't not 
 any mistakes whatsomever. And so, sir, as you 
 have settled wi' me, I'll go &nd get a drop o'summat 
 short. 
 
 A Qmz. 
 A gentleman relating one night, at a coffee house 
 in Oxford, that Doctor Biown, of Brazeunose Col- 
 lege, had put out his leg in crossing a kennel, five 
 surgeons immediately set off for the Doctor's apart- 
 rnenta. but shortly returntd dismayed, saying that 
 no accident had happened, "Why, (replied the
 
 GOOD EYES, 2.57 
 
 gentleman) how can a man cross the kennel without 
 putting out his legs?" 
 
 Epitaph on a TaMor. 
 
 Here lies A Taylor, by name, 
 
 And a tailor bS trade; 
 And many fine suits 
 
 Were by Andrew made. 
 He work'd sixty long years, 
 
 With needle and thimble — 
 No man on hisshopboard 
 
 Was ever more nimble. 
 At night he would take 
 
 His pipe, glass, and pot. 
 And enjoy the treat 
 
 Which from cabbage he got — 
 Till Death came with short notice 
 
 His fate to impart, 
 And, with unerring bodkin, 
 
 Pierc'd him clean to the heart. 
 
 Naval pun. 
 A gentleman enquiring of a naval oiScer why sai- 
 ors generally take off their shirts when going into 
 action, was answered — '• that they were unwilling to 
 have any check to their fighting." 
 
 Good eyes. 
 
 As Lord Nugent was riding out in his carriage 
 with the Duchess of Kingston, whose family he well 
 knew, and whose prudery he liked to expose he 
 put his head out of the window, and after looking 
 earnestly for some tune he exclaimed •' Good God ' 
 that I should live to see this!" " Why, my lord, 
 what is it that you see ?" rejoinfd the Duchess, 
 casting her eyes the same way. " Why, my lady, a 
 group of women bathing at broad noon day !" " Wo-
 
 258 CHARGING. 
 
 men .'«^aid she, looking more inquisitively) why, 
 my. luTa, they are all men .''' '• Well, (replied his 
 lorashtp) it may be so ; for your grace's eyesight is 
 much better than mine /" 
 
 Modesty. 
 An irish woman once called upon an apothecary 
 wkh a sick infant, when he gave her some powder, of 
 which he ordered as much as would lie on asixpence 
 to be given every morning. The woman replied — 
 " Perhaps your honour would lend me the sixpence 
 the while, as I have not got one by me at all." 
 
 Cliarging. 
 A patriotic lawyer, in the late French war, entered 
 the iists as a volunteer, and, on the first field day, 
 talrrng the word of command " Charge !" in a pro- 
 fessional point of view, he whipped out his pocket- 
 book, and wrote down 63. 8d. 
 
 AdiHce lo married people. 
 On the very day after your marriage take one pre- 
 caution — be cursed with no more troubles for life 
 than you have bargained for — call the roll of all your 
 wife's even speaking acquaintance, and strike out 
 every soul that you have, or fancy you ought to have, 
 or fancy you ever shall have, a glimpse of dislike to. 
 Upon this point be merciless. Your wife won't he- 
 sitate — a hundred to one — between a husband and a 
 gossip ; and if ah* does, don't you. Be particularly 
 sharp upon the list of women ; of course men — you 
 would frankly kick any one from Pail Mall to Pim- 
 lico, who presumed only to recollect ever having 
 seen her. Don't be manoeuvred out of what you 
 mean, by cards, or morning calls, or any notion of 
 what people call good breeding. Do you be content 
 to show your ill breeding by shutting the door, and
 
 BON MOT. 200 
 
 the visitors can show their good breeding b_v not co- 
 ming again. If Tou wish to be happy'yo'urself be 
 sure to make your wife so. Never dispute with her 
 where the question is of no importance ; nor, where 
 it is of the least consequence, let any earthly consi- 
 deration ever once induce you to give way. Be at 
 home as much as you can; be as strict as vou will, 
 but never speak unkindly ; and never have a friend 
 upon such terms in your house as to be able to enter 
 without ceremony. Above all, remember these 
 maxims are intrusted to all of you, as to persons of 
 reason and discretion. A naked sword only cuts the 
 fingers of a madman ; and the rudder with which 
 the pilot saves the ship, in the hands of the powder- 
 monkej would only probably force her upon the 
 rocks. Recollect that your inquest as to matrimony 
 is a matter of the greatest nicety, because either an 
 excess of vigilance, or a deficiency, will alike com- 
 promise its success. If you don't question far 
 enough, the odds are ten to one that you get a wife 
 who will disappoint you. If you question a jot too 
 far, you will never get a wife at all. 
 
 Ben mot. 
 " More on! (exclaimed a stock-broker to a Je»-, 
 who was before him in Lombard Street) your two 
 legs take up the whole width of the pavement. "' 
 " Well, (replied the Jew) is that to be wondered at, 
 •when you see it is only two feet wide V 
 
 A genuine Milesian buU. 
 A Munster man, on board a man of war, was d^e- 
 eired by his messmate to go below to the steward's 
 room for a can of small beer. Teague perceiving 
 that preparations were then making for sailing im- 
 mediately refused to go, saying, " Arrah my honpy, 
 and so while I am going into the cellar to frtch 
 drink for ycu, the ship "will be after sailing and 
 leaving me behind."
 
 260 DR. PROSODY 
 
 Purity of manners. 
 Maaame de Genlis carried her purity of mannert 
 to such an extent, that she reprimanded the book- 
 seller who had the arrangement of her library, for 
 having placed books written by male and female au- 
 thors on the same shelf. 
 
 Dr. Protody. * 
 
 At a schoolmaster's feast, Dr. Prosody rose, ! 
 
 And after a long speech reciting — ; 
 
 Says he for a toast three R's I propose. 
 
 Here's " Rithmetic, Reading, and Riting.^' 
 
 Only one bottle. 
 
 Dean Cowper, of Durham, was v.ery parsimonious 
 in the article of wine. Descanting one day on the 
 wonderful performances of ablind man, he remarked 
 to his company, " Why, sirs, the man can see no 
 more than that bottle," pointing to one on the table. 
 •' 1 believe it — (said a reverend bon virant, who was 
 one of the party) — for loe have seen uo more than that 
 bottle aU the afternoon." 
 
 John Tims. 
 
 Tims was an orplian ; — his, too, was a case 
 
 That very often happens, as I fear : 
 For when aparent will not show his face 
 
 He's not apparent, since de don't appear : 
 
 Unto a free gchool Tinis in time was sent 
 
 To stock his brains ; — although, the truth to say, 
 
 Many, who go for nothing, are content 
 To carry rio'thing in their heads away ! 
 
 His teachers, as 'tis natural they might. 
 
 Dealt their free knowledge out with frequunt 
 thumps ;
 
 JOHN TIMS. 261 
 
 Tor aU phre-nologists, we know, delight 
 In seeing on one's head enormoue bumps ! 
 
 They taught him spelling (quite a magtc trick !) ; 
 
 Indeed he gladly drank of learning's cup; 
 But of arithmetic he soon grew sick, 
 
 And, for accounts, he fairly cast them up ! 
 
 Harshness was practised ; but, alas ! the plan, 
 Spite of \he thrashings he received, was vain ; 
 
 Tliey d'^omed unhappy Tims, like fallen man. 
 To bear upon his back the mark of Cane ! 
 
 He soon left school, and — lo ! a sum was paid 
 To bind him to a hosier — which, no doubt, 
 
 He did not mind, as 'tis a pleasant trade. 
 Though, in apprenticing, they put him out. 
 
 But soon his master miserly he found — 
 A man who wanted money but to hoard ; 
 
 And though poor Tims was like a book whole bound. 
 He felt that he had got into half board 1 
 
 And yet he would not from his duty swerve; 
 
 But to a resolution came sublime ; 
 Although himself hfs time would never serve, 
 
 He'd, giving good for evil, serve his time. 
 
 At length five years were gone, and for himself 
 He started hosier — but had no commands; 
 
 All his book-muslins rested on his shelf, 
 And all his stockings were upon his liands ! 
 
 He found, at last, his business could not pay, 
 'Vnd that no living he could get by trade; 
 
 So in despair turn'd footman t'other dav, 
 By which he came to be a servant made !
 
 262 THE LOST WIG. 
 
 The white lie. 
 " How aare you waste your money as you do ?** 
 wrote an incensed father to his son at Oxford. " Be 
 assured, dear father, (replied the scholar) that if 
 you will send me another hundred, I will lay out 
 every penny of it with Prudence.''^ He had a chere 
 amie of that name. 
 
 The lost wig. 
 
 While LordCoalstoun lived in a house in the Ad- 
 vocate's Close, Edinburgh, it was the custom for ad- 
 vocates and judges to breakfast early, and when 
 dressed, were frequently seen leaning over the par- 
 lour windows, expecting St. Giles's to start the 
 sounding peal of a quarter to nine. 
 
 It happened that one morning, while Lord Coa4- 
 stoun was preparing to enjoy his matinal treat, two 
 girfe, who lived in the second flat above, were amu- 
 sing themselves with a kitten, which in sport they 
 had swung over the window, by a cord tied round 
 ks middle, and hoisted up and down some time, till 
 the creature was getting rather desperate with its 
 exertions. 
 
 At this particular crisis hie lordship had just pop- 
 ped hia head out of the window directly below that 
 from which the kitten swung, little suspecting what 
 danger impended over his head, when down came 
 the exasperated animal at full career directly upon 
 his wig. 
 
 No sooner did the girls perceive what landing- 
 place their kitten had found, than in terror and sur- 
 prise they began to draw it up; but this measure was 
 now too late, for, along with the animal, up also 
 came the judge's wig fixed in its talons. His lord- 
 ship's surprise on finding his wig lifted off his hvad 
 was ten thousand times redoubled, when, on look- 
 ing up, he perceived it dangling its way upwards,
 
 FATAL OMEN. k63 
 
 writhout any means visible to him by which its mo- 
 tion might be accounted for. 
 
 The astonishment of the senator below, and the 
 mirth of the girls above, together with the fierce 
 and retentive energy of puss between, altogether 
 formed a scene to which language cannot do ade- 
 quate justice. 
 
 It was a joke soon explained and pardoned; but 
 assuredly the perpetrators of it got manv a serious 
 injunction from their parents, never again to fish 
 over the window with such a bait for honest men's 
 wigs ! 
 
 Epitaph on a blind man. 
 Here lieth one who saw no faults, 
 
 For he, in truth, was blind: 
 And as he had an idle wife, 
 
 Fate thus to him was kind, 
 tier dirty face and ragged clothes, 
 
 'Twas thus h^ never saw — 
 And thus was spared a manv words, 
 
 And knowledge of each flaw. 
 
 Fatal omen. 
 Lord Lovat is said to have affirmed that a number 
 of swords which were suspended in the great hall of 
 the mansion, raised themselves out of their scab- 
 bards at the time of his birth. This was held by his 
 clan to be a good omen. However, it proved a fatal 
 one. for the unfortunate nobleman was beheaded on 
 Tower Hill for rebellion. 
 
 A good berth. 
 Not long ago, at one of our sea-ports, a noble na- 
 yal commander, who is a strict disciplinarian, ac- 
 costed a drunken sailor in the street with " What 
 ship do you belong to V' Jack, who was a dry fel-
 
 2G4 AMBASSADORS. 
 
 low, notwithstanding he was drunk, and had a very 
 eccentric countenance, anewered with much sang 
 froid, " Don't know." '• Do you know who I am ?" 
 «'No-" •' Why 1 am admiral of the port." "Then, 
 (replied he) you have a damned good birth of it, 
 that's all 1 know." 
 
 Naval generosity 
 A sailor happened to go into a Quakea's meeting* 
 house, and having remained there some time, at 
 length one of the congregation stood up and said — 
 " Let us all join !" " With all my heart, (exclaimed 
 the tar) here is my sixpence." 
 
 Ambassadors. 
 A foreign prince, well known for his pride and ill- 
 humour, walking once to the window of his presence 
 chamber with an ambassador, said to him — " Do 
 you know, signior, that one of my ancestors forced a 
 person of your description from this balcony into 
 the street ?" " That might be, (was the reply) but 
 it could not have been the fashion then, as it is 
 now, for ambassadors to wear swords." 
 
 Coke upon Littleton, 
 One Mr. Coke, an attoruey in the Temple, romp- 
 ing with his laundress, it happened that they had a 
 fall, and Mr. Coke falling uppermost, Bob Dallas 
 and a gentleman who chanced then to come in, see- 
 ing them ih this situation, the gentleman asked the 
 justice what he thought of the sight? Dallas, who . 
 knew the parties, replied that " it was the best edi- - 
 iion of Coke upon Littleton he had ever remembered I 
 to have seen." 
 
 On a left-handed loriting-raasfer. 
 Though Nature thee of thy ri'g/if hand bereft. 
 Right well thou writestwith the hand that's left.
 
 HOW TO SETTLE AN ACCOUNT. 265 
 
 Perqv.sites. 
 George the First, on ascending the English throne, 
 brought with him from Hanover a favourite cook 
 After a short stay the cook grew melanrholy, ana 
 was desirous of returning home. The king being 
 informed of this sent for him into his presence, and 
 asked why he wished to quit his service. The cook 
 replied, " I have long served your majesty with ho- 
 nesty and diligence, and never suffered your pro- 
 perty to be embezzled in the kitchen — but here, the 
 dishes no sooner come fr'"m table than one steals a 
 fo^l, another a pig, a third a joint of meat, and so 
 on till all is cleared, and 1 cannot bear to see your 
 majesty thus injured." The king laughed heartily 
 and said, " My good fellow, my revenue here is suf- 
 ficient to enable me to bear these things ; and to re- 
 concile you to your situation, I will tell you what to 
 do — steal as well as the rest, and be sure to steal 
 enough." 
 
 The conscientious cook followed his royal master's 
 advice with such effect, that he soon outdid his fel- 
 low domestics in expertness. 
 
 How to settle an account. 
 A certain half-witted man one evening left his 
 home in a melancholy mood, when a mischievous 
 young fellow, who observed him muttering to him- 
 self, thinking him a proper subject for diversion, si- 
 lently stole behind him and gave him such a terrible 
 blow on the neck, that he almost suspected his head 
 was knocked off' 
 
 The man turned suddenly about, and observed the 
 youth standing near him. in a violent fit of laughter. 
 " You sir, (said he) what business had you to strike 
 me ? Have you no fear of God, that you shoulddare 
 to insult me without any provocation ?" At this, 
 calling out, "Justice! justice!" he dragged the 
 youth — who without any intermission had contiwied
 
 23G HOW TO SETTLE AM ACCOUNT. 
 
 in one fit of langhter — before a judge. In this situ- 
 ation they arrived at the place of ju&tice, where the 
 Cadi was sitting, who seeing the young man laugh 
 so violently, asked the reason why he had been 
 brought before him ? 
 
 " My lord, (replied the melancholy man) I never 
 saw this fellow before in my life — never spoke to 
 him, nor provoked him byany means; notwithstand- 
 ing which, he came behind me and struck me a very 
 violent blow on the neck. 1 am now come before 
 your lordship to demand the law of God against the 
 prisoner." 
 
 " Why, my young friend, (said the Cadi) did you 
 strike this man ?" "For the life and soul of me, 
 (replied the youth) I could not help it;" at the same 
 time shewing two sequins to his judge. 
 
 The venerable Cadi immediately made a parade of 
 turning over the leaves of two or three immense fo- 
 lios which lay by his side, evidently affected by the 
 sight of the sequins. 
 
 " Why, my lord, (said the complainant) surely 
 you can have no occasion for such copious referen- 
 ces to know the fine which our law imposes on a 
 man who strikes another without provocation ?" 
 " Oh, (said the Cadi) if you are competent to decide 
 your own case, what necessity is there for the inter- 
 ference of a judge ?" "My lord, (said the man) I 
 beseech you be not offended. If there be any occa- 
 sion, by all means consult your books." 
 
 The Cadi, after having rummaged his folios for 
 some time, and knitting his brows with an appear- 
 ance of unusual severity, said — " Young man, it is 
 necessary that you should pay this injured accuser 
 twenty small coins." " Alas, (replied the culprit) 
 I have no small money." • ' Then, sir, you must get 
 change," returned the Cadi. The young man, ma- 
 king a bow, walked out of the room, but without any 
 intention of returning.
 
 SHBEWD REPLY. 267 
 
 The Cadi and the melancholy man remained ; 
 when, tired of the business of the day — after waiting 
 for some time — the Cadi dropped asleep The pati- 
 ence of the complainant also being nearly exhaust- 
 ed, observing the situation of the Cadi, walked up to 
 him, and stretching out his hand, gave him a tremen- 
 dous blow on the cheek, ten times harder than that 
 which he had received. Starting from his slumber, 
 and rubbing his face, the Cadi exclaimed — " Rascal ! 
 do you dare to strike me?" " Alas, v^saidthe man) I 
 have very particular business, which requires my 
 immediate presence ; and as you have decreed the 
 price of a blow, be so good as to remain until the 
 young man returns, and instead of giving the fine to 
 me, pray keep it yourself." 
 
 Ignorance of a Cromwellian Magistrate. 
 
 A worthy Magistrate having to write the word 
 usage, contrived to spell it without using a single 
 letter ofthe original word — his improved orthography 
 was youzitch. When some remarks were made on si- 
 milar feats, he averred that " that nobody could 
 Bpell with pens made from Irish geese !" 
 
 A shrewd reply. 
 Cards, it is said, were invented for the amusement 
 of Charlea the Fifth, Their alleged origin produced 
 the following shrewd reply fjom the late Dr. Gre- 
 gory, of Edinburgh, to a counsel of great eminence at 
 the Scottish bar, during a pending trial. The doc- 
 tor's testimony went to prove the insanity of the 
 party whose mental capacity was the point at issue. 
 On a cross interrogation, he admitted that the party 
 played admirably at whist. " And do you geriously 
 say, doctor, (said the learned counsel) that a person 
 having a superior capacity for a game so difficult, 
 and which requires, in a pre-em.inent degree, me- 
 mory, judgment, and combination, can be at the 
 
 M
 
 268 OLIVER CROMWELL. 
 
 same time deranged in his understanding ?" " I am 
 no card-player, (said the doctor, with great address) 
 but 1 have read in history that cards were invented 
 for the amusement of an insane king." The conse- 
 quences of this reply, as maybe expected, were deci- 
 sive. 
 
 Irish love of fighting. 
 
 Some peasants belonging to opposite factions had 
 met under peculiar circumstances ; there were, how- 
 ever, two on one side and four on the other. In this 
 case, there was likely to be no fight : but in order to 
 balance the number, one of the more numerousparty 
 joined the weak side, " bekase, (said one of them) it 
 ■would be a burnin' shame for four to kick two ; and, 
 except I join them, by the powers there's no chance 
 of there being a bit of sport at all, at all." Accord- 
 ingly hedid join them, and the result of it was, that 
 he and his party were victorious, so honestly did he 
 fight. 
 
 Oliver Cromwell. 
 It is said that the Protector, on the evening of the 
 execution of King Charles, went, mufSed up in a 
 long black cloak, into the room at Whitehall in 
 which the body of the unfortunate king lay, and 
 walked round and round the corpse, saying to himself 
 — "J^Teadful necessity !" 
 
 Daniel Burgess. 
 
 The noted Daniel Burgess once preaching of Job's 
 " robe of righteousness," sai'd-^" If any among you 
 would have a suit for a tn-elvemonth, let him repair 
 to Monmouth Street— if for his life-time, let him ap- 
 
 f»ly to the Court of Chancery— rbut if for all eternity 
 et him by all means put on the " robe of righteous- 
 ness." 
 
 i
 
 NOVEL ADVERTISEMENT. 209 
 
 ,Meal times, now and formerly. 
 The stately dames of Edward the Fourth's court 
 rose with the lark, dispatched dinner at eleven 
 o'clock in the forenoon, and shortly after eight were 
 wrapped in slumber. How would these reasonable 
 people (reasonable, at least, in this respect) be asto- 
 nished, could they bv.t be witnesses of the present 
 distribution of time amongst the children of fashion. 
 What a contrast there is between the materials of 
 the morning meal. A.. D. 1550, when Queen Eliza- 
 beth's maids of honour began the day with a round 
 of beef, or a red herring, and a flaggon of ale, and 
 in 1841, when the sportsman, and even the day la- 
 bourer, breakfast on what cooks call " Chinese 
 soup — {. e. tea. Swift has jocosely observed, that 
 the world must be encompassed before a washerwo- 
 man can sit down to breakfast : — i. e. by a voyage to 
 the East for tea, and to the ^^'est for sugar 
 
 In the " Northumberland Household Booli" for 
 X512, we are informed that " a thousandfpound was 
 thesum annually expended in housekeeping. This 
 maintained 166 persons, and the wheat was then 
 55s. 8d. per quarter. The family rose at six in the 
 morning. My lord and lady had placed on the table 
 for breakfast, at seven o'clock in the morning, a 
 quart of beer, a quart of wine, two pieces of salt fish, 
 half a dozen of red herrings, four white ones, and a 
 dish of sprats ! They dined at ten, and supped at 
 four in the afternoon. The gates were all shut at 
 nine, and no further ingress or egress permitted." 
 But now — 
 
 The gentleman who dines the latest. 
 
 Is in our street esteemed the greatest; 
 
 But. surely, greater than them all, ■ " 
 
 Is he who never dines at all. 
 
 Novel Advertisement. 
 A gentleman, who is about to proceed to New
 
 270 
 
 A TRUE SrORT. 
 
 South Wales, on the public account, for fourteen 
 years, is desirous of providing a confidential situa- 
 lion for an active vouth. previously to his departure. 
 He is exceedingly light-fingered, and very dexter- 
 ous in the conveyance of property ; and, among his 
 other accomplishments, the advertiser can confi-* 
 dently recommend him for considerable skill in open- 
 ing locks without the aid of a key- He has been 
 brought up to the bar; and is /meally descended 
 from the renowned Jerry Abershaw. ^Iost of his 
 relations have been raised to exalted situations, far 
 above the ordinary crowd ; and, indeed, there is lit- 
 tle doubt that the force of his genius, if suffered to 
 take its course, will, in time, procure for him the 
 same degree of elevation. He can refer with confi- 
 dence for a character to any of the gentlemen com- 
 posing that respectable bodv. the Swell Mob Associ- 
 ation ; and the Advertiser will be happy to reply to 
 any inquiries, addressed Peter Prig, at the Stone 
 Jug Hotel, Old Bailey. 
 
 A true stcr'^. 
 
 On the plains of New Jersey, one hot summer's day, 
 Two Englishmen, snug m a stage coach, were va- 
 p'ring — 
 A Yankee, who happened to travel that way, 
 
 Took a seat alongside, and sat wond'ring and ga- 
 ping. 
 Chock-full of importance (like every true Briton, 
 Who knows British stars far outshine our poor 
 Luna,) 
 These cocknies found nothing their optics could hit 
 on, 
 But what was insipid or puny. 
 Compared with the English, our horses were colts— 
 
 Our oxen were goats — and a 8he<=p but a lamb ; 
 
 And the people (poor blockheads :) such pitiful dol-ts, 
 
 Mere Hottentot children, constrasted with them.
 
 GUTTING OYSTERS. 271 
 
 Just then a black cloud in the west was ascending — 
 The lightning flash'd frequent, with horrible glare. 
 Then more and more near, a fierce tempest portend- 
 ing, 
 The thunder re-echoed along the rent air. 
 Along by the way side, Jove's bolt made a dash on. 
 With a pealthat knock'd horses and cockniea all 
 flat— 
 " There, hang you!" cries Jonathan, quite in a pas- 
 sion — 
 "Have you got better thunder in England than 
 that?" 
 
 Gutting oysters. 
 
 Paddy wassentto Billingsgate on the 6th. of Au - 
 gust, to buy a bushel of oysters. When he returned 
 — " What made you so long, Pat''" said his mastt^r. 
 " Long, IS it ? By my sowl. I think I've been pretty 
 quick, considering all things." " Considering what 
 things?" " Why, considering the gutting of the 
 fish." "Gutting what fish?" " VVhat fish! why 
 the oysthers, to be sure." " What is it that you 
 mean ?" " What do I mane I why I mane, as I was 
 resting meeself a bit. and taking a drop to comfort 
 me, a jontleman axed me what I'd got in the sack. 
 Oysthers, sir, said I. Let us look at them, says he, 
 and he opened the bag. Och ' thunder and praties, 
 said he, who sould them to ye? Mick Carney, said 
 \. Mick Carnev, said he — the thief of the world! 
 What a big b ackguard must he have been to give 
 them to ye without gutting ? And arn't they gut- 
 ted ? said I. Divil a one of them, said he. Musha, 
 then, said I, what will meeself do ? Do? said he — 
 I would sooner do them for you myself, than have 
 you abused ; and so he takes 'em in doors, and guts 
 'em all nate and clane, as you'll see." And out 
 Paddy turuod the empty shells on the floor.
 
 272 TKE PRIESTS AND THEIR MAIDS 
 
 The pnests and their servant maids. 
 
 Some devout women of two parishes in the Bishop- 
 ric of Limoges, having complained to the bishop that 
 their priests had each a young female servant, he 
 sent one of his officers to make full enquiry into the 
 affair. 
 
 The officer being an old man, and not over-bur- 
 dened with penetration, when he went to one of 
 the priests, he very candidly at once told him the ob- 
 ject of his visit. "You must certainly (said the 
 latter) lie under some mistake. It cannot be to me 
 you were sent, for I declare to you, on the word of a 
 priest, that my servant has fifty years over her 
 head" — which was true enough, for he had written 
 the words fifty years on a piece of paper, and had 
 fastened it on the top of her head. The official, ta- 
 king this declaration as strictly true, went to the 
 other priest, without asking to see this damsel of 
 fifty, whom the priest, aware of his visit, had taken 
 care to conceal. He informed the second, as he had 
 done the first, the occasion of his coming. "Alas, 
 my dear sir, (said his reverence) no one is sheltered 
 from the shafts of calumny. They must be wicked 
 wretches who have circulated such a falsehood, 
 for I swear to you, (placing his hand on his breast,) 
 that any servant is as old as an old horse." 
 
 After such an oath, the easy official departed with- 
 out any farther examination, and went and made his 
 report to the bishop. " You are too easy of belief, 
 sir, (said his lordship) and those priests are too cun- 
 ning for you. Did you see the women?" " No, my 
 lord," replied the ofBcer. *' You see, the first priest 
 you visited had written ^i/ifi/ i/ears on his servant's 
 hpad ; and with regard to the other, you did not 
 consider that a horse is old at eighteen, but a woman 
 very young."
 
 HARRY ERSKINE 273 
 
 Running wages. 
 A gentleman's valet, wishing to leave his master, 
 from whom he had not been able to get any part of 
 his wages, requested him to come to a settlement 
 with him. The gentleman — who was partial to the 
 man and by no means wished to part with him, as he 
 did not know where to meet with one that would 
 suit him better, or at such low wages — told him he 
 was^wrong to complain ; " for, (said he) it is true I 
 owtiPj-ou your wages, but then consider, that if you 
 don't receive them, they are running on." " That is 
 just exactly what I complain of, (said the valet) for 
 I am afraid they mil run so fast that I shall never he 
 able to catch them." 
 
 Harry Erskine. 
 
 iOrd Kellie was amusing the company with an ac" 
 count of a sermon he had heard in Italy, in which 
 the preacher related the mipftcle of St. Anthony 
 preaching to the fishes, who, in order to listen to his 
 pious discourse, held their heads out of the water. 
 " I can credit the miracle, (said Harry Erskine) i* 
 your lordship was at church." " 1 certaily was 
 there," said the peer. " Then, (rejoined Harry) 
 there was at least one fish ont of water." 
 
 Pope's oath. 
 Pope's oath was' God mend me ! A iinkboy, to 
 whom hi had refused a penny, looking at his short, 
 crooked stature, cried out — " God mend you, indeed ! 
 why it would take a great deal less trouble to make 
 a new one." 
 
 Curious epitaph. 
 Thirty years, as man and wife, 
 We yoked together without strife ;
 
 2^74 HORRORS OF THE COUNTRY. 
 
 Children we had, in number five, 
 Three of them did us survive. 
 Wife went first, and I next day 
 FoUow'd, for I could not stay. 
 When Dath at her did throw his dart, 
 My heavy sighs did snap my heart? 
 Now here our bones will mix m peace, 
 Till God doth bid the world to cease. 
 
 A fact. 
 In ancient times 'twas all the rage, 
 For each rich man to keep a sage — 
 In middle ages 'twas the rule 
 For each rich man to keep a fool — 
 But what with daughters, sons, and cousins, 
 Men, now-a-days, keep fools by dozens. 
 
 Horrors of the country. 
 
 I am no lover of the country, and would at any 
 time prefer London's smoke-dried rusty city to any 
 other species oi rusticity in which some persons take 
 such extraordinary pleasure. " Fine weather for 
 the country," is aspecies of exultation with which I 
 never could sympathize; and, when told, on a sultry 
 day in the middle of July, how salutary an effect the 
 heat will have in bring-ng forward the corn I feel 
 only for n)y own com, which is so much broughtfor- 
 wardby the warm weather, that I frequently cannot 
 help wishing that the sun wdiS farther. 
 
 The parching heat may be grateful enough to those 
 in the anticipation of rural pleasures, and as every 
 dog has his day, there must of course be some who 
 feel gratified at the approach of the dog days. Then 
 is the time when every one, however humble, leaves 
 London by the high-way, and the most sedate mem- 
 bers of society are for once to be found tripping; 
 apprenticts that have been closely confined ever 
 since they have been pnt out. are allowed a little li-
 
 HORRORS OF THE COUNTRY, 270 
 
 bprty; Rnd journeymen are permitted, for once in a 
 way, really to act up to their name bj going on a 
 
 But, I repeat, I am not one that is partial to green 
 fields, and never could seethe beauty of getting wet 
 feet by early walks in the meadows, when the grass, 
 with a species ofjustice perfectly agrarian, is for 
 giving every one its dne (dew). 
 
 I take no interest in the pursuits of agriculture, — 
 the sight of men ploughing, is tome rather harrow- 
 ing than agreeable ; and as to the stale eulogies on 
 the bpauty ofgolden corn fields, I always considered 
 them to be mingled with a good deal of chaff. 
 
 But rural habits are still more intolerable to me 
 than rural scenerv. I never could find any /un in 
 being always up with the lark, and would sooner be 
 reading the Morning Herald than listening to the 
 shrill crowing of some herald of the mom — and I 
 would rather hear one of Byron's Hebrew Melodies 
 than the char cliaunting of the most musical chanti- 
 cleer. 
 
 I cannot believe it is anything but affectation 
 which makes some men talk with rapture of the 
 beauties ofa farm yard. It may be agreeable enough 
 for the cockney ichig, who goes into th^ country, as 
 hp would say, for fr>^sh hair, to observe the hatching 
 of a chicken which throws ofi" the yolk (yoke) directly 
 it is released from the egg-shell — it may suit the 
 man of letters to look with sympathy upon an old 
 BOW with its progeny, and havea fellow-feeling for it 
 as one of the litter-eiglUy (literati), but to me there 
 never was anything alluring in the sight of poultry 
 or pigs ; and as to the latter, who will not confess 
 that even to have a sty in one's eye is a most grievous 
 calamity ? 
 
 Then, for the sports of the country, is there any- 
 thing captivating in seeing a parcel of dirty children 
 playing their tricks upon the Tillage green? And 
 - 4
 
 276 ENOUGH TOKGUl. 
 
 as to a fair or a wake, I have never been at one tHat 
 did not always send me very nearly asleep wi.h its 
 dullness. 
 
 Vv'ith respect to the pleasures of the chace, I am 
 c reless of them, regarding them as mere matters of 
 course. Fishing is an occupation which I dislike, a" 
 I have always found that catching anything is quite 
 entirely on^ of rw/ line, and it has invariably been 
 " with a hook .'" when I have tried my luck at ang- 
 ling. 
 
 March of intellect. 
 Good grammar was not so much studied as good 
 cookery by our grandmothers— at least they used 
 phr ses which offend the ear of our time. One of 
 our V orthy old ladies was accosted the other day at 
 her door by a little ragged basket-girl selling 
 match s '" Get away, (said the old lady) " I don't 
 ■want n ne, not I." " Ma'am, replied the girl very 
 accurately, if you don.t want any. you might a least 
 have spoken gramatically when saying so." 
 
 Enough tongue. 
 "A tongue I've for you got, 
 
 My dearest Tom," said Kate : 
 " Egad !" cried Tom, " I'll touch it not — 
 
 I've had too much of late." 
 
 Warmth of debate. 
 Burke, the celebrated orator, one day in the 
 warmth of debate spoke some words disrespectful to 
 the government. One of the members present called 
 him to order, and said he would not sit silent and 
 hear the sovereign insulted. .Mt Burke in cxpla^ 
 nation said, " That though he reverenced his Majes- 
 ty's own person, he saw no reason for r-^specting his 
 Majesty's nipn sevvah.t, and hti maid servant, his ox, 
 and his. AS i
 
 CONSOLATION. 277 
 
 None ofypurjaic. 
 Two bucks, who were sitting over a pint of wine, 
 made up for the deficiency of port by the liveliness 
 of their wit. After many jokes had passed, one of 
 them took up a nut, and holding it to his friond, 
 said — " Suppose this nut could sp-ak, what would it 
 say, think you ?" " Why, (rejoined the other) it 
 would say, give me none of your jaw .'" 
 
 Consolation. 
 A clergyman catechising the youths of his parish, 
 put the first questi'on from the catechism to a giri — 
 •' What is your consolation in life and death .'" The 
 poor girl smiled, but did not answer.. The priest 
 insisted. " Well, then, (said she) since 1 must tell, 
 — it is the young shoemaker, opposite the church. 
 who is courting me." 
 
 Fd rather have a daughter. 
 
 Charles to the altar led the lovely Jane, 
 Then to her father's hous > return'd neain. 
 Where to convey them on their wedding tou-, 
 All re-.dy stood a landauletand four. 
 When lo I the gathering clouds at once descend, 
 C.oud rolls on cloud, and warring winds contend. 
 This moves him not, but in he hands his bride, 
 Then seats himselt enraptur'd by hr-rside. 
 And thus to cheer the fair ho quick begun, 
 " L hope we soon shall have a Utiles n." 
 But she to whom the weather gave -r pain, 
 Who heeded not the clouds nor pattt^ring rain, 
 But most about her future hopcsb' thought he-r. 
 Replied — ' My dear, I'd rather hare a daughter ." 
 
 Evening lectures. 
 The churchwardens of a certain parish in Hamj)- 
 shire, having called repeatedly on a tradesman for
 
 273 A QUAKER'S VISIT. 
 
 his subscription towards the Evening Lecture at the 
 church, asked him rather pettishly why he declined 
 paying. " Because, (replied the other) my wife 
 reads me a lectuce every evening gratuitoiisly." 
 
 A Quaker's visit. 
 
 As Mr. W was one day sitting in his parlour, 
 
 was informed by a domestic that a young man with- 
 out des'red to see him. A moment after the door 
 opened, and in stalked a tall figure, very erect, which 
 advanced without bending the body, or moving the 
 broad-brimmed hat, which shaded the black hair and 
 solem visage ; and coming up close to him, drew a 
 pocket-book from his pocket with much care and ac- 
 curacy, and taking thence a letter, " Friend, (quoth 
 he) is thy name W V " It is, sir," replied the gen- 
 tleman. " Then to thee is my message." Hewent 
 on — " Ebenezer, of the 'city of New Haven, mer- 
 chant, wisheth thee health, and willed me to deliver 
 into thine hands this paper, which containeth his 
 mind to thee in writing. Fare thee well." Upon 
 
 which the Quaker gave Mr. 'V^ a letter, and 
 
 was about leaving the rorm. The merchant re- 
 quested him to stay and take some refreshment be- 
 fore he departed. "Thou art kind, friend, (said he) 
 and 1 thank thee for thy civil offer; but I have de- 
 livered unto thee all that Ebenezer gave me in com- 
 mission to deliver, and I have no further business 
 withthee. ^\ hy should I waste thy time in dis- 
 course that m?.v be unprofitable? And wherefore 
 should I eat of thy bread, and drink of thy wine, 
 whereas it costeth thee much, and thou wilt not 
 take my money for it ? I will not do it I Thou en- 
 treatest me in vain. Once more, I bid thee fare- 
 well." So saying, he departed. 
 
 .'' hpeedy cws. 
 
 Whilst in the dark on thy soft hand I hung, 
 And heard the tempting syren in thy tongue.
 
 UP AND DOWM. 219 
 
 What flamPS, what darts, what anguish I endur'd — 
 But wheii tfie candle enter d, I was cured ! 
 
 Dr. Parr. 
 
 The rudeness of Dr. Parr to ladies was snmetimos 
 extreme. To a lady who had ventured to oppose 
 him with more warmth of temper than cogen-cy of 
 reasoning, and who afterwards apologized for her- 
 self bv saying, " that it is the privilege of woman to 
 talk nonsense." " No, madam," replied the doctor, 
 " it is not their privilege, but their inlirmity. Ducks 
 would walk if they could ; but Nature suffers them 
 only to waddle." 
 
 ZTp and down'. 
 
 A gentleman of this city going home one night, 
 rather late, saw a man on the ground with another on 
 him beating him violently. Upon this he remon- 
 strated with the upper man, telling him his conduct 
 was unfair, and that he ought to let his opponent get 
 up and have an equal chance with him. The fellow 
 looked the gentleman in the face and drily observed, 
 " Faith, sir, if you had been at as much trouble to 
 get him down as I have, you would not be found let- 
 ting him get up so readily." 
 
 Mistress and servant 
 A lady the other day meeting a girl who had lately 
 left her service, enquired " Well, Mary, where do 
 you live now?" "Please, ma'am, I don't live no 
 where now — I am married," replied the girl, with 
 great artlessness. 
 
 Out of spirits. 
 " Is my wife out of spirits?" ask'd John, with a 
 sigh. 
 As her voice of a temp-st gave warning ;
 
 280 AN IRISH ADDRESS. 
 
 •• Quite out, sir, indeed," said hnr maid in reply— 
 " For she finish'd the bottle this morning.' 
 
 Quaint advice. 
 
 As a gentleman was passing through Regent 
 Street the other evening, he saw an unusually pretty 
 little dog, and on stopping to see what was written 
 on its collar, was saluted with the following brief 
 distich : — 
 
 " This col!a? don't belong to you, sir — 
 Pass on — or you may have one too, sir." 
 
 An Irish address. 
 
 The followihg address was dplivrr'dby the mana- 
 ger of a small theatre in Ireland, there being only 
 three persons in the house : — 
 
 " Lauies and Gentleman. — As there is nobody 
 here, I'll dismiss vou all. The performances of this 
 night will not be performed, but they vnll be repeated 
 to-morrow evening." 
 
 Lace your foes. 
 A man once saw his son. quite handy, 
 Tip off a glass of strong French brandy — 
 " Neddy, (quoth he) pray don't do so, 
 For liquor is your greatest foe " 
 *• But we are taughj to love our foes"— 
 Cried Ned — " So, father, here il goes !" 
 
 The accommodating barber. 
 Saia a lop to a boy, at a barber's one day, 
 . , fo make a display of his wit — 
 " My lad, did you e'er shave a monkey, I pray, 
 
 For you seem for naught else to be fit."* 
 " I never did yet, (said the boy) I confess, 
 
 Shave a monkev — indeed, no, not I — 
 It is out of my line. But. sir, nevertheless, 
 
 If you please to sit down, I will try."
 
 THE ROAD TO HKAVLN. 2"^! 
 
 A cup too much. 
 A thief having stolen a cup out of a t^.vern, was 
 pursued, and a threat mob was raised arou:,d him. A 
 bystander was asked what was the matter ? " Xo- 
 thing," replied he ; "a poor fellow has ocly takeji a 
 cup too much." 
 
 The road to Heaven. 
 About the year 1726, Sir Richard Steele made a 
 journey to Scotland, in company with several per- 
 sons of distinction. On their way, when near An- 
 nan, they observed a flock of sheep, and at a little 
 distance'their keeper, stretched nn the ground with 
 a book in his hand. Sir Richard having a little in- 
 clination for humour, proposed to his companions 
 to have some sport -with the shepherd; on which 
 they all rode up to him, and the knight enquired the 
 title of the book in his hand. The shepherd imme- 
 diately started on his feet, and told him. " And 
 pray what do you learn from this book?" continued 
 Sir Richard. '• I learn from it the way to heaven," 
 replied the other. " Very well, (added the knight) 
 we are all fellow- travellers bound to the same place, 
 and it will be very obliging if you will show us the 
 way thither." " With all my heart, (replied the 
 countryman) if you will go with me to yonder emi- 
 nerxe'j" 
 
 To this proposal Sir Richard and his party readily 
 assented, and followed their guide to a rising ground 
 frooa whence they had a view of an antique tower, a 
 few miles distant. The shepherd then turning to 
 Sir Richard, said — " Yousee yonder tower, sir — the 
 way you ask for lies close by it ; and ihat is, indeed, 
 the only safe and certain road to happiness " Sur- 
 prised at th'sstrangedirection. Sir Richard enquired 
 ofhimwh^t tie iower was caMed ? To which the 
 shopherd rtrpMid — " An't please your hcnour, the 
 name of it is the Tower of Repentance."
 
 282 HOW TO SILENCE A SUCKING PIG. 
 
 This tower, as tradition reports, was built by a 
 person as a penance foi the atoneir.ent of some very 
 heinous trausgresston, whence it obtained this sin- 
 gular nanne. 
 
 New mode of asking a benefice. 
 The Cardinal Ximenes never gave any benefice in 
 the church to any person who asked it. Ky chance 
 one was vacant in the Val de Avellano, where a fol- 
 lower of his was born. This follower, knowing of 
 the vacancy, came to his eminence and said — '• \lost 
 reverend lord, there is a benefice vacant in my coun- 
 try which would suit me much ; but as I know your 
 eminence never appoints a person who asks, and ne- 
 ver rpmembers one who does not, I am quite at, a loss 
 how to proceed. I therefore humbly entreat your 
 best advice in the matter." The cardinal answered 
 — * The case is difficult ; but here, secretary, make 
 out the collation for this gentleman." 
 
 How to silence a sucking pig. 
 Charles the Fifth, going to see the new cloister of 
 the Dominicans at Vienna, overtook a peasant who 
 was carrying a sucking pig and whose cries were 
 so disagreeable to the emperor, that, after many ex- 
 pressions of impatience, he said to the peasant — 
 " My friend, do you not know howto silence asuck- 
 ingpig?" The poor man modestly said that he 
 really did not, and should be happy to learn. " Take 
 it by the tail," said the emperor. The peasant find- 
 ing this succeed upon trial, turned to the emperor 
 and said — •' Faith, friend, you must have been lon- 
 ger at the trade than me, for you understand it bet- 
 ter." This innocent answerafforded repeatedmirth 
 to Charles and his court. 
 
 An Irishman's telescope. 
 An Irish gentleman was bestowing great prai«e«
 
 A FALSE ALAKM. 283 
 
 on a telescope he had purchased. " Ooserve, (said 
 he to a friend) " that church: it is exactly half a 
 mile distant ; but by means of my telescope I can 
 bring it so near, that I can positively hear the organ 
 play." 
 
 "Learned rabbits. 
 
 Some years since soine L- tin scholars went into the 
 country one holiday to catch conies. One of the 
 scholars who accompanies them had not much more 
 wit than he was born with, and they expressly 
 charged him that if he saw any he should be silent, 
 for fear of scaring jhem. But he no sooner espied 
 a company of rabbits before the r^st, ihan he cried 
 aloud — Ecce multi cuni culi, which in English signi- 
 fies — "Behold many conies;" which he had no 
 sooner said than the conie' ran to their burrows. 
 Being repi ehended by them for it, the simpleton re- 
 plied — " Why who the.dickPi-8 would have thought 
 the rabbits understood J^at n ?" 
 
 A false alarm. 
 A few months since the inhabitants of one of the 
 western towns in the State of New York were filled 
 with conjecture and consternation at the following 
 notice, painted in large capitals on the front of a 
 house, recently fitted up and repaired: — "Mrs. 
 
 M , from London. Deals in all sorts of Ladies." 
 
 All was consternation. Inquiry was instantly set on 
 
 foot as to what this Mrs. M might be. No one 
 
 could tell. She was a stranger from London, about 
 to establish a new concern. The greatest anxiety 
 prevailed as to this very equivocal proclamation of 
 the new establishment. For two whole days all was 
 surmise and consultation. On the third morning 
 this all-absorbing mystery was unravelled. The 
 house painter — who had it seems been suddenly at- 
 tacked bv a severe fit of the eoui — returned to finish
 
 284 THE FIRST PAIR. 
 
 his work, and in half an hour completed it, by ad- 
 ding — and gentlemen' s wearing appareV 
 
 Sensibility. 
 A lady living at Bath, who made pretensions to the 
 most refined feelings, went to her butcher to remon- 
 strate with him on his cruel practices. How (said 
 she) can you be so barbarous as to put innocent lit- 
 tle lambs to death?" " Why not, madam ? (said the 
 butcher) you surely would not eat them alive, would 
 
 you?" 
 
 The first pair. 
 Adam alone could not be easy, 
 So he must have a wife, an' please ye. 
 And how did he procure this wife, 
 To cheer his solitary life ? 
 Out of a rib, sir, from his side, 
 Was form'd this necessary bride; 
 But how did he the pain beguile ? 
 How? He sleptsweetly all the while; 
 And when this rib was re-applied 
 Tn woman's form to Adam's side, 
 How then, I pray you, did it answer ? 
 He never slept so sweet again, sir. 
 
 Retort on Pope. 
 
 The above celebrated poet is said to have been 
 once severely retorted upon. A question arose in 
 company respecting the reading of a passage with or 
 without a note of interrogation. Pope rather arro- 
 gantly asked one gentleman if he knew what a note 
 of interrogation was. Yes, sir : it is a little crooked 
 thing that asks questions." 
 
 Note of admiration. 
 Dr. Johnson's definition of a note of admiration 
 (.), made on the moment, is very neat : —
 
 A CORPORATION JOKE. 285 
 
 I saw — I saw — 1 know not what— 
 I saw adashabore a dot, 
 Presenting to my contemplation 
 A perfect point of admiration ! 
 
 Force of habit. 
 A merchant, who was ordered to sign the baptis- 
 mal register of one of his children, subscribed 
 Sherwin and Co. He only perceived the mistake 
 through the general laugh it excited. 
 
 A corporation joke. 
 A worthy alderman, describing a grand liinner at 
 Paris, of three courses and a desert, a bystander ob- 
 serred, that it must have been a splendfd feast. 
 "No, (replied the civic connoiseur in cookery) it 
 was a beggarly one, for almost every thing was done 
 
 Epitaph on a Mother. 
 
 A cruel mother layeth here. 
 Who when we lost our father dear, 
 Turnd her children — we were four — 
 Quickly out of house and door, 
 A second hnsband for to gain. 
 Whom she in plenty did maintain. 
 You could not call her a kind friend, 
 As she would neither give or lend — 
 From a sick bed she'd ever flee, 
 And make a joke of charity. 
 All she strove at was forriches. 
 But for her fault she sure will pay, 
 Reader, on the judgment day — 
 I wonder what she then will say ! 
 
 The striking likeness. 
 The late Sir Samual Hood, who died when
 
 2S6 A DRUNKLN JdKE. 
 
 mander-in-chief on the East India station, had & 
 lieutenant on board named Roby, supposed to be a 
 natural son of his. One night, when Roby had the 
 watch, a squall ofwind split the main topsail. Old 
 Hood ran out of his cabin in a passion, exclaiming — 
 '• It's all your fault, Roby. You are the greatest lub- 
 ber in the British navy." " I am, (replied Roby) 
 just what my father made me : an'l all the world says 
 that I am the very likeness of yourself, except in the 
 ready rhino. 
 
 A bull. 
 
 The Committee for improving a road in the Isle of 
 Man, after due consideration had the following no- 
 tice stuck up : — 
 
 " Whereas the Bridge of Braddon Kirk is being 
 pulled down before it is built, all persons going that 
 way to the town must take the other road." 
 
 A drunken joke. 
 The inhabitants of Monmouth Street were alarmed 
 one morning by a drunken fellow calling out Fire ! 
 Hre ! "For God's sake ! where is it?" exclaimed 
 a hundred voices at once, from as many garret and 
 bed-room windows, and cellar-flaps. " Why that is 
 just what I want to know, (answered the fellow, 
 coolly) for my pipe is just gone out." 
 
 Grammatical dispute. 
 A barber having a dispute with a parish-clerk on 
 a point of gramjpar, the latter said it was downright 
 barbarism. "What I (replied the other) do you 
 mean to insult me ? Barbarism, indeed! I'd have 
 you to know that barbers speaks as good English any 
 Say as a parisli-cleck." 
 
 Tical politeness. 
 Not many years since, some p^rt oftha Ferry i i
 
 A CUTTING WIND. 287 
 
 Torpoint, being on fire, the servant girl was desired 
 to awaken two gentlemen who were asleep in an up- 
 stairs room. She knocked at the dnor, and with the 
 greatest simplicity said — " 1 reallv beg pardon, gen- 
 tlemen, for disturbing you, but you will be burned 
 directly, unless you please to get up." 
 
 A "peck of dirt. 
 Lord Chesterfield one riay at an inn where he 
 dined complained very much that the plates and 
 dishes were very dirtv. The waiter with a degree 
 of pertness observed, that it is said every one nvust 
 eat a peck of dirt before he dies* "That may be true. 
 (said Lord Chesterfield) but no one is obliged to eat 
 it all at one meal, you dirty dog!" 
 
 A cutting wind. 
 Old Boreas has often been celebrated as a barber. 
 A Munchausen traveller was r,ne day relating that 
 he had ascemted to the fore-top with a long bushy 
 beard, and a sharp north-easter had so completely 
 polished his chin, that not a vestige of it was left. 
 " Aye, (said the facetious George Colman) that 
 must have been a cutting vcind, I think your fore-top 
 must have had a hair-breadth escape." 
 
 Deadjlie3. 
 
 A convivial party were iitting over a bowl of 
 punch one summer's aftsrnxwa, and as conversation 
 wasbrisk, the punch stood still. An eager son cf 
 Bacchus jogged his neighbour to pass the bowl 
 round. When ho took hold of the ladle he beheld a 
 congregaiion of dead flies floating on the lop of the 
 liquor i he picked them deliberately out, placed 
 them on the table, andfilled his glsss : after which, 
 he swept the flies in again, and handed the bowl to 
 hira that was next. He saw what had been done,
 
 288 sheep's head and lamb. 
 
 and bouncing out of his chair, he said — " Damn 
 you, sir! do you mean to poison me with the dead 
 bodies of so many flies ?" " Not at all, (rejoined the 
 other, calmly;) because, though I did not like fltea 
 myself, I was not certain but you might." 
 
 Not at home. 
 A.n Irish servant, who had just announced that 
 his master was net at home, being asked when he 
 would return, gave the following answer — " Fsith, 
 now, and how am I to tell when he will plase to say 
 he's come in?" 
 
 Sheeps head and Lamb. 
 Lady Caroline Lambe — whose generous eccentri- 
 cities are well known — once during her residence ftt 
 Brockett Hall — one of the family seats — accepted an 
 invitation from the blacksmith's wife to dine with 
 her, assuring her ladyship she would be sure V> get 
 something she would like. The day arri"»ed, and 
 Lady Caroline drove to the cottage in abarouofceaHd 
 four. The dame, dressed in her best garb, and the 
 room set fortn to the utmost advantage, received her 
 noble guest with great glee, and in a few minutes 
 the dinner was spread on her hospitable board, con- 
 sisting of two dishes only — one well filled with bacon 
 and cabbage, and the other presented abakedsheep's 
 head. Her ladyship partook sparingly of each, and 
 depositing a sovereign in her plate, departed, much 
 amused with the novelty of her enteitainment. A 
 gentleman, who was then visitor at the Hall, soon 
 after presented Lady Caroline with the following 
 verses on this singular occasion ; — 
 
 Still condescending Caroline 
 Her presence deigns to lend — 
 
 Norwill refuse the boon to dine, 
 And grace an humble friend. 
 
 Bui to a strange rristake it led — 
 Though meant the great to cranri —
 
 SAILOR AT THE THEATRE. 289 
 
 For who would think a bak'ds/i^ejo's head 
 Fit company for Lambe. 
 
 Ready reply. 
 
 It is generally known that the grass-plots in th* 
 college courts, or quadrangles as they are called iu 
 Oxford, are not for the unhallowed feet of the un- 
 der graduates; indeed, it is, in one college in Cam- 
 bridge, a fine of two and sixpenceior any man in the 
 college to pollute them : but these regulations aro 
 intended rather to preserve the turf, than for any 
 distinction. Some, however, are hardy enough to 
 venture in despite of all remonstrance. 
 
 The late Bishop of Bristol — then Master of Tri- 
 nity, had often observed a student of his college tc 
 cross the green, when in obedience to the calls of 
 his appetite he went to the hall to dine. One day 
 the bishop determined to reprove the delinquent 
 for invading the rights of his superiors, and for that 
 purpose he threw up the sash of the window at which 
 he was sitting, and called to the student : — " Sir, I 
 never look out of my window, but I see you walking 
 across the grass plot." " My lord, (replied the of- 
 fender instantly) " I never walk across the grass 
 plot, but I see you looking out of your window." 
 The prelate, who well knew how to appreciate a re- 
 tort, pleased at the readiness of thereply, closed his 
 window, convulsed with laughter. 
 
 Sailor at the theatre. 
 At a sea-port in the west of England an itinerant 
 company of players was to perform the Tempest: a 
 .jolly tar, who went to see the play, got into the 
 boxes, when at the moment of the shipwreck the 
 temporary gallery gave wa/, and the company tum- 
 bled one over adother into the pit. The sailor, who 
 imagined it a part of the performance, shouted and 
 hallooed as loud as his lungs would permit him. At
 
 290 ESSENCE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 his return from soa, being in London, he obnerved 
 the same play was to be performed at the Theatre 
 Royal, Drury Lane. He went into the pit, and juat 
 as the soene before-mentioned commenced, he 
 Btamped with his foot, piped all hands, and looking 
 up to the gallery, called with a tremendous voice — 
 *' Take care, my hearties ; you're all a-coming — 
 you're all a-coming!" to the no small terror of the 
 gods and goddesses in the gallery. 
 
 Essence of politeness. 
 The following compliment was lately paid to a 
 lady by a Parisian dentist. After having made se- 
 veral ineffectual attempts to draw out her decayed 
 tooth, and finding at last he could not succeed, he 
 apologized by saying — " The fact is, Madsme, it is 
 imp*" psible /or any thing bad to come out of yow 
 mouth .'" 
 
 A tall Romeo. 
 On Miss O'Neill's first representation of JiHiet, 
 at Crow Street, Dublin, the following ludicrous 
 circumstance occurred. The balcony, in the garden 
 scene, was particularly low, and Conway, who was 
 the Romeo, was as particularly tall ; and in deliver- 
 ing the lines, — 
 
 'Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, 
 That I might touch that cheek, 
 he laid his hand upon the balcony- A fellow in the 
 gallery immediately roared out — " Get out widyour 
 blarney! why don't you touch it, then, and not be 
 preaching Parson Saxe there!" 
 
 Skewering the stars. 
 
 A gentleman in the Temple received his laun- 
 dress's weekly account the other day made out in 
 thest^leef spelling and hand writing peculiar to 
 the sisters of the suds; but there was one charge of 
 eighteen-pence for " skewering the stars," which de-
 
 RIDDLE. '291 
 
 fied even hia practised comprehension,. Aftei won- 
 dering for some time how such a work could ever 
 have been performed, and still more why it should 
 ever hare been executed, particularly at his expense, 
 the debtor sent for Mrs. Pearlash, when the item 
 turned out to he for scouring the stairs. 
 
 Fruit basket. 
 A man carrying a cradle was stopped by an old 
 woman, and thus accosted. " So, sir, vou have got 
 some of the fruits of matrimony !" " Sofily, old 
 lady, (said he) you mistake ; this is merely the 
 fruit basket." 
 
 Riddle 
 The French delight to try the esprit of children by 
 a kind of riddles. For example ; — A man has a little 
 boat, in which he must carry, from one side of the 
 river to the other, a wolf, a goat, and a cabbage ; and 
 must not carry more than one of these at once. 
 Which shall he take first, without tl:e risk that, du- 
 ring one of his navigations, the wolf may devourthe 
 goat, or the goat the cabbage? Supposi^ he carry 
 the wolf, the cabbage Is lost — if the cabbage, the 
 goat is devoured — if the goat, the embarrassment is 
 equal; ft r he must risk his goat, or his cabbage, on 
 the other side of the rive.. The answer is — he must 
 take the goat first, the wolf will not touch the cab- 
 bage; m the second passrge he carries the cabbage, 
 ai.d brings back the goat :"in the third he transports 
 the wolf, which may again be safely left with the 
 cabbage. He concludes with returning back for the 
 goat. 
 
 Sayings in conversalicn. 
 " Did you see the abuso of you in a sciyrilouf 
 Sundii.p paper last week ?" said A. " No; and 1 ne- 
 
 N
 
 202 A DISTINCTION. 
 
 ver care for such things," replied L. ; " for though a 
 ca.'f's tongue may be rough, it is but a calfs tongue, 
 after all." 
 
 " How very close X. is — he will squabble about a 
 single farthing," it was observed. " Well, (replied 
 W.) I have always thought the less one squabbles about 
 the better." 
 
 A distinction. 
 
 A celebrated occulist, after performing the opera- 
 tion of couching the eyes of an old woman, or, in 
 the language of the poet. — 
 
 " He from thick film had purg'd the visual ray, 
 And on the sightless eye-ball pour'd the day, — 
 inquired if she could read a book of a certain sized 
 print, to which she replied in the negative. Ano- 
 ther operation — another coat of film was to be dis- 
 placed ; when, just as the operator was about to re- 
 sume, she cried, with admirable naivete, " Mayhap it 
 be, sir, 'cause I never larnt — for I be no scholard, 
 whatever." 
 
 She muit carve. 
 *' 1 will never marry a woman that can't carve," 
 said M. "Why?" "Because she would not be a 
 help meat for me." 
 
 Wit of a cook. 
 A nobleman, more remarkable for bulk than sym- 
 metry, was pleased the other night at the Opera to 
 point out a celebroted chef de cuisine to the notice of 
 another fashionable peer, when they addressed a few 
 ironical compliments to the Napoleon of the stew- 
 pan. " They say you can make a wild dock out of 
 a pair of old boots, and toss up a sauce with which 
 one might swallow one's grandmother. I wonder 
 what you would do with me?'' " Ma foi, mi \nr,
 
 GENUINE YOKELISM. 293 
 
 (cried the irritated cook) I should like to give your 
 lordship von good dressing. You make famous heef 
 a la mode." 
 
 Genuine Ynkelism, 
 About fifty years ago a gentleman residing in 
 Lincolnshire having been on very familiar terms 
 with one of his maid servants, was by her rewarded 
 with a daughter. He however never exereisod any 
 right of ovmership over the child, but suffered her to 
 toil through her teens in the capacity of a house- 
 hold menial. 
 
 The girl never attained a higher station than that 
 of dairymaid, but being possessed of gome personal 
 charms, a bumpkin in the neighbourhood took a 
 fancy to the lass and married her. The news soon 
 reached the ears of her reputed father, who now, 
 for the first time in his life, reflected that she had 
 some claims on his generosity, and determined to do 
 a little for the happy pair. 
 
 Sending one day for the bridegroom, he thus ac- 
 costed him. " Well. John, and so you aie married, 
 I hear ?" " Why yeas, sir, I be." " And how do 
 you expect to live ?" " Why I reckons as how I 
 can haddle ennngh to keep us from starving." "And 
 is that all ?" " Yeas, sir, that be about all, I be- 
 believe." "Well, John, it is my wish to put you 
 forward in the world," continued the father-in-law, 
 taking from his bureau a bpg containing about two 
 hundred guineas, which he emptied upon the table, 
 and requested John to take what he pleased. John 
 scratched his pate, eyed the gold with seeming sa- 
 tisfaction, and after much apparent inward discus- 
 sion, deliberately counted from the he&p five guineas 
 and a half, and said that was all he wanted. John 
 W3S pressed to talce more, but to no purpose. " For, 
 (saif1 he) we only wants to buy a cow and a milkio^ 
 kit to make ns quite happv — we wantanowt more. A
 
 294 JOKE AND NO JOKE. 
 
 kit will cost may be fifteen shillings, and t^e price 
 of a cow at Idst market was five pound; but if 1 meet 
 wi' one for less, I^shall bring you back the change, 
 sir." 
 
 Joke and no joke. 
 
 We remember reading of a character whose princi- 
 pal occupation was to regulate his clothing by an 
 accurate thermometer. He used to stand before it 
 for hours together, and leap in and out of his infinite 
 flannel breeches, according to the variations in tne 
 temperature of his apartment. 
 
 There are many men who make themselves equally 
 ridiculous by coercing and drilling their bodies to a 
 certain weight ; which if possible they will never 
 suffer the animal man to fall short of or exceed. 
 Colonel Kelly was one of this class. He weighed 
 daily, and kept himself as near to what he consider- 
 ed the standard of perfection for a man of his huH^ 
 as possible — namely, ten stone. 
 
 One day certain wags maliciously fastened a lump 
 of laad to the body-scale, and the worthy Colonel on 
 getting into it, found that he was heavier than he 
 ought to be a whole half pound! He immediately 
 called for sundry great coats, and ran three miles at 
 the top of his speed before breakfast. " The animal 
 is increasing, (thought the Colonel) but I'll keep 
 him down !" 
 
 The next morning our malicious wags made ano- 
 ther addition to their lumps of lead, and the Colonel 
 to his utter confusion saw the weight-scale kick the 
 beam with ten stone two in it. He swore in soli- 
 tude ; bought large quantities of flannel secretly, 
 and so fatigued himself by violent exercise, that he 
 was completely knocked up and aching in bed before 
 noon. 
 
 " I'redone it now, (chuckled he. leaping into the 
 scale the third d?y-^but, Jieheld, ten stone four wa»
 
 THE PRICE OF JUSTICE. 295 
 
 no match for him I " What the devil ia to oe done ? 
 I'll eat nothing — rlrink nothing, and utterly avoid 
 repose until 1 succeed in stopping this ruinous in- 
 crease." 
 
 He kept his resolution with all thestrictness that 
 human nature would allow, but it availed him no- 
 thing. Day after day his weight waxed more formi- 
 dable, and lie became seriously alarmed. His life he 
 considered to be in absolute jeopardy, and eminent 
 medical advice was actually solicited, when matters 
 took a sudden turn. The lead was removed lump 
 by lump, and reg\ilarly transferred to the opposite 
 scale, so that in less than a week (although he ate 
 with terrific voracity to moderate his rapid decrease 
 in weight) he was as much below as be had lately 
 been above par He almost crammed himself into an 
 apoplexy, but still dwindled ! This was tremendous 
 — the Colonel's hours were years of bitterness and 
 misery ! 
 
 At length, to his unutterable amazement and 
 confusion, he discovered the trick that had been 
 played upon him. To increase his indignation he 
 had good reason to believe that two of his nearest 
 and dearest were theauthors of whathe termed — the 
 dastardly and diabolical attempt. However, in the 
 absence of positive proof he conttnitedhimself with 
 constantlydeclaring that he would cut them oflFwith 
 a shilling — or even less than that — if he cou d but 
 procure any eridence that they were the authors of 
 it. 
 
 The price of justice. 
 
 Though justice is not ostensiby sold, yet it costs 
 so much, that a man mtist be rich to obtainit. 
 
 Understanding. 
 A gentleman, speaking of another who had lost a
 
 t^ A SPARE RIB. 
 
 »eg, observed that he was one of the most sensible 
 men it ever was his privilege to be acquainted with. 
 " That cannot be, (said his friend) as I can aver he 
 has long since lost one half of his under-standing." 
 
 English heroism. 
 
 Admiral Keppel when very young in naval com- 
 mano' was deputed by the British Government to 
 conve. a remonstrance to the Dey of Algiers, in 
 consequence of some piratical proceedings of the lat- 
 ter. The Dey found himself so much oflTended with 
 what he called tha arrogance of a beardless boy, that 
 he threatened to call in his mutes, and have him in- 
 stantly strangled, " Do so, (said the undaunted 
 Keppel — leading the tyrant to the open balcony, and 
 pointing to his fleet which were anchored at a short 
 distance) — do so : I shal I die in an honourable cause, 
 and there are plenty of brave fellows yonder tolight 
 me up a glorious funeral pile." 
 
 The Dey took the hint — gave over his threats, and 
 finally came to an amicable and honourable adjust- 
 ment of the matter in dispute. 
 
 A spare rib. 
 A poetical butcher, complaining of a termagant 
 wife, gave expression to his feelings in the follow- 
 ing lines : — 
 
 I'm very sorry for to own, 
 That shf^'s my lawful bone of bone. 
 Yet she's arih 1 fain would spare, 
 To ease my heart and end my care. 
 
 A sto7iishing trans/Grmaticn. 
 On the recent marriage of a gentleman to a young 
 lady named Kneebone, a friend observed that "it 
 was a wonderful ceremony that transformed a Knee- 
 bont into a rib."
 
 L RUM DURE. 2fi7 
 
 Buy a jack. 
 George the Third, riding unattended one day in 
 the vicinity of Windsor, being overtaken by a heavy 
 shower, vas compelled to take ehelter in a cottage 
 at Stoke Green. On entering the cottage he asked a 
 girl — who was at that time its only inmate — to put 
 his horse in an adjacent barn, and rub him down, for 
 which he woiild reconipence her. The girl consent- 
 ed, or; condition that the king — of whose rank she 
 was entirely ignorant — would attend to a piece of 
 meat which was dangling on a string at the fire. The 
 agreement was marie, and he entered on his task. 
 The girl stayed long — the kin? grew tirrd, but ypt 
 he persevered in paying his attentions to the muttnn 
 to prevent it from spoiling. At this moment he was 
 discovered by the owner of the cottage, whom the 
 heavy showerhad driven home. He recognized his 
 royal master, and, overwhelmed with confusion, 
 made numerous apologies. The king replied by re- 
 marks on the cottagersincnovenient method of roast- 
 ing. The sun having again began to shine, he sent 
 the good man for his horse, which he mounted and 
 rode off; not, however, without placing a five- pound 
 note on the table, with these words pencilled on it — 
 " Buy a jack." 
 
 A rum Duke. 
 Now, as fame does report, a young duke keeps a 
 
 court. 
 One that pleases his fancy with frolicsome sport : 
 But amongst all the rest, here is one, I protest, 
 ^\ hich will make you to smile when you hear the 
 
 true jest. 
 A poor tinker he found, lying drunk on the ground, 
 As secure in his sleep as if he had laid in a swound . 
 
 The duke said to his men — William, Richard, an*^ 
 Ben—
 
 298 A RUM DUKE. 
 
 " Take him home to my palace, vre'Il sportwith him 
 
 then." 
 O'er a horse he was laid, and with care socn con- 
 
 vey'd 
 To the palace, although he was poorly array'd; 
 Then they stripp'd off his clothes — both his shirt, 
 
 shoes, and hose, 
 And they put him to bed, for to take sweet repose. 
 
 Having pull'd off his shirt, which was all over dirt, 
 They gave him clean Holland — no very great hurt. 
 On abed of soft down, like a lord of renown, 
 They did lay him to sleep the drink out of his 
 
 crown. 
 In the morning when day, then admiring he lay, 
 For to see the rich chamber both gaudy and gay. 
 
 Now he lay somewhat late, in his rich bed of state. 
 Till at last knights and squires they on him did 
 
 wait ; 
 And the chamberlain bare, then did likewise declare 
 He desir'd to know what apparel he'd wear ? 
 The poor tinker amaz'd, on the gentlemen gaz'd, 
 And wonder'd how he to this honour was rais'd. 
 
 Though he seem'ti something mute, yet he chose a 
 
 rich suit, 
 Which he straightway put on without any dispute; 
 With a star on each side, ^rhich the tinker oft eyed, 
 And it sppm'd to up-swe-ii him with no little pride ; 
 For he aaid to himself — " Wh»re is Joan, my sweet 
 
 wife? 
 Sure she never did see me so fine in her life." 
 
 From aconvenient place, the right Duke— his good 
 
 Grace — 
 Did observe his behaviour in every case. 
 To a garden oi slate on the link«r they wait.
 
 A RUM DLKF. 299'- 
 
 ► ' ■ 'ipets sounding before him— thought he, this is 
 
 great : 
 U uere an hour or two, pleasant sights he did view. 
 With commanders and squires, in scarlet and blue. 
 
 A fine dinner was drest, both for him and the 
 
 guests — 
 He was piac'd at the table above all the rest, 
 In a rich chair or bed. lined with fine crimson red, 
 With a rich gold canopy over his head. 
 As he sat at his meat the music played sweet, 
 With choicest of singing, hisjovs to complete. 
 
 While the tinker did dine he had plenty of wine, 
 Rich Canary, with Shr-rry, andTeni superfine. 
 Like a right honest soul, faith, he took off his bowl, 
 Till at last he began for to tumble and roll 
 From his chair to the floor, where he. sleeping, did 
 
 snore, 
 Being seven times more drunk than he e'er was be- 
 fore. 
 
 Th'^n the duke did ordain, they should strip him 
 
 amain. 
 And restore him his old leather garments again. 
 'Twas a point next the worst, yet perform it they 
 
 must. 
 And th>'v carry him straight where they found him 
 
 at "first. ■ 
 There he slept all the night, as indeed w-U he 
 
 mi^ht — 
 •ut when he awoke, all his joys took their flight. 
 
 For his glory to him so pleasant did seem, 
 
 That he thought it to be but a mere golden dream ; 
 
 Till at length he was brought to the Duke — where 
 
 he sought 
 For a pardon, as fearing he'd set him at nought ; 
 But his highness said, " Thou'rt a jolly bold b'ade, 
 ach a frolic before 1 think never was plav'u." 
 
 N 3 ,.
 
 800 EPITAPH. 
 
 Then his highness bespoke him a new suit and 
 cloak, 
 
 Which he gave for the sake of this frolicsome joke; 
 
 Nay, and five hundred pounds, with ten acres of 
 ground. 
 
 "Thou shalt never (said he) range the countJy 
 round, 
 
 Crying ' Old brass to msndr for I'll be thy good 
 friend — 
 
 ^ay, and Joan, thy fair wife, shall my duchess at- 
 tend." 
 
 Then the tl« Jeer replied — " What ! must Joan, my 
 sweet bride. 
 
 Be a lady, in chariots of pleasure to ride? 
 
 Must we have gold and land ev'ry day at com- 
 mand ? 
 
 Then I shall be a squire I well understand. 
 
 Well, thank your good Grace, and your love I em- 
 brace — 
 
 1 was never before in so happy a case." 
 
 Epitaph. 
 
 The following epitaph is on a tombstone in a 
 church-yard in Devonshire. The answer was 
 written by a gentleman, on the widower's marrying 
 again in a fortnight : — 
 
 For me deceased, weep not, my dear, 
 
 I am not dead, but sleepeth here: 
 
 V'our time will come : prepare to die; 
 
 Wait but a while, you'll follow I." 
 
 ANSWER. 
 
 I am not griev'd, my dearest life ; 
 Sleep on ; I've got another wife, 
 And therefore cannot come to thee, 
 For I must go to bed to she.
 
 TH2 MAN OF FEELINO. 301 
 
 The man of feeling, 
 
 TheRey, ^Ir. Almoner Avas a man c?i«rf*st philan- 
 thropic tempKTVsient. He never stirreStToroad with- 
 out previously v;q\\ sua^.ying hia pockets with half- 
 pence — and whenever h'e saw an object of commis- 
 seration, charity inevitably melted his heart fn a cop- 
 per, — nor could he encounter a poor sailer deprived 
 of his legs, without endeavouring to console him for 
 the loss by giving him alms — but so numerous were 
 the calls on hi? compa,?sion, that he had scarcely be- 
 stoweu a penny up.>r/one picture of misery, h'efod 
 he had to feel for another I 
 
 Mr. Almoner, however, began to suspect his best 
 feelings were not unfrequentlyimposed upon, and it 
 was not long before his suspicions were confirmed; 
 he therefore came to the determination of never re- 
 lieving another individual withcut previously in- 
 quiring into the merits of the case 
 
 It was with this intention that he quitted home 
 one morning, having read in a newspaper an appeal 
 " To the Benevolent and Humane," on behalf of a dis- 
 tressed literary gentleman. 
 
 With a little difficulty he at length arrived at the 
 place where it was stated the poor author might be 
 vis'jted. He found the" aspiring youth" quartered 
 iu a garret; and as he ascended the stairs, he could 
 not help thinkingthat ifMount Parnassus were only 
 a sort of " Mount Pleasant," where lodgings could 
 b« obtained, there would scarcely be a poet now-a- 
 days but would reach its summid 
 
 At lehgth Mr. Almoner was ushered into the 
 apartment. " The gentleman would be with him in 
 a few minutes" — during which time he amused him- 
 self by taking a survey of the room. •' Sorry sta- 
 bling, (thought he, as he glanced around it) for the 
 Pegasus." It contained one bed, one decrepid old 
 chair, and an equally infirm table, whereon were de
 
 302 
 
 THE MAN OF PEKUNG. 
 
 posited a small gallipot converted into an inkstand, 
 a pen evidently having seen some service, and, what 
 was to all appearances an account book. 
 
 "This, (said Mr. Almoner) doubtlessly contains 
 the list of subscriptions," and, so saying, he com- 
 menced turning over the leaves. Suddenly he 
 stopped — he rubbed his eyes, which gradually 
 rounded into the dimensions of two common balls, 
 and his mouth betrayed a cavity somewhat similar 
 to the Thames Tunnel. '• A-a-ah ! (exclaimed he) 
 can 1 believe my eyes ? What do I see ? 
 
 £ 8. 
 By six Brutal Assaults. ... 4 9 
 By five Daring Robberies ..66 
 By — eh ? No ! it cnnnot be — he can never be re- 
 duced to that !" Again he rubbed his eyes — ''Alas! 
 it is too plain ! 
 
 £ s. 
 By three Horrid Murders . . 7 10." 
 He threw down the book and hastily paced the 
 room. " Where have I come to ? what shall I do ? 
 (cried he.) But hark — the fiend approaches! Ah/ 
 the poker — that shall defend me !" 
 
 The author entered, but his appearance was cer- 
 tainly far from intimidating. He was long and as 
 thin as a note of admiration — slender as his income. 
 He was habited in a bkck coat — rather seedy — a 
 thing not to be wondered at, coi:sidering how fre- 
 quently it had been sotim ! 
 
 " Sir, (said the man of letters, bowing) I regret 
 to have kept you waiting, but I was upon a verv dif- 
 ficult subject." '• Upon a very difficult subject I" 
 echoed Mr. Almoner. " Yes, the fearful truth is 
 now revealed — he has been burking some one be- 
 low." " And you know, sir, (continued i.he author) 
 when once we get upon a subject it doesn't do to 
 leave it until all is finished." " The inhuman mon- 
 ster ! Shall 1 interrogate him ? Young man, lei
 
 SHORT BLANKETS. 30i 
 
 me intreat you to give over thes* evil ways — let fne 
 beseech of yoii not to imitate Burke." " Oh, no — I 
 copy fronn no one. sir ; mv style, I can assure you, is 
 quite oritrinal." "Oh, the abominable wretch — he 
 dispatches them in a neiv way !' " But, (said the 
 literary man, approaching his visitor) will you allow 
 
 me to offer you a chair, and to take that poker " 
 
 "Stand off — stand ofFI (exclaimed Mr. Almoner, 
 flourishing the implement) — stand o£F, 1 say !" — 
 " Really, sir, 1 am at a loss to conceive the reason 
 for this conduct." Rendered almost speechless by 
 f»ar, Mr. Almoner could only point to the book, 
 ■which was still lying open. 
 
 The man of letters smiled, and explained it was 
 his account with the Times Newspaper, and the 
 Brutal Assaults, Murders, Daring Robberies, &c. 
 were simply the detail of those enormities committed 
 by others. 
 
 Mr. Almoner laughed heartily at the mistake, 
 gav-- the poor autnor five pounds to compensate for 
 his conduct, and retired. 
 
 Slicrt blankets. 
 An Irishman who was sent on board of ship, and 
 who believed in ghosts, enquired of his messmates if 
 the ship was haunted. " As full of ghosts as a 
 cburch-yard. Thay are ten thousand strong every 
 night," replied they. This so terrified Pat, that 
 whenever he turned into his hammock, he pulled 
 his blanket over his head and face, so that from his 
 Vneea downwards he was always naked and cold. 
 One night he exclaimed — ' That there purser's a ter- 
 rible rogue, for he sarves out blankets that don't fit 
 a man ; thev are too long at top, and too short at bot- 
 to», for they cover my head and ears, and my feet 
 are always perished with cold. I have cut several 
 Blicea off the top and sewed on the bottom^ and the 
 devil a bit long-^r is it !"
 
 301 CHURCH-YARD MERRIMENT 
 
 Facetics of Hierocles. 
 Ilierocles made a vow, having narrowly escaped 
 drowning when swimming, that he would never 
 touch the water again till he had learnt to swim. 
 
 He politely replied to a friend who said — * I 
 dreamed last night that I saw and spoke to you" — 
 " I am very sorry I did not attend to you." 
 
 Visiting a sick friend, who was unable to answer 
 his enquiries, he exclaimed angrily — " I hope I shall 
 be sick myself, and then I will not speak to you." 
 
 Meeting his physician, he made an apology for the 
 length of time elapsed since he needed him. 
 
 Having a house to sell, he carried a brick about as 
 a specimen of it. 
 
 Seeing some sparrows on a tree, he put abasket on 
 the ground and shook the tree, in hopes the spar- 
 rows would fall into the basket, and he might catch 
 tlipm. 
 
 " Is it yovi or your brother who is dead?" said he 
 to a friend who had lost a twin brother. 
 
 He got on horseback, to cross a river in a boat, in 
 order to save time. 
 
 He bound haybands round his trees, and set fire to 
 them, to clear them of the moss. 
 
 Church-yard merriment. 
 
 EPITAPHS. 
 
 A Wool dyer into his grave has slid — 
 He said, " I wool die" — and so he did 
 
 Here I'm gone all of a sudden. 
 
 And all by eating too much hasty pud-ding. 
 
 Here li? two brothers, by water confounded — 
 One died of the dropsy, the other was drownded. 
 
 Here I lies by the apoplexy — 
 But don't let that vex ye.
 
 MONICA GALL. 395 
 
 Lovr beneath this greensward, oh ! 
 Lii«jB the body of Thomasa Rowe — 
 Her body's here — her soul's in heaven— 
 17 hundred 67. 
 
 Monica Gaul. 
 The late John Monk Mason, an Irish Privy Coun- 
 sellor, and Lord of the Treasury, when a junior bar- 
 ristor, derived his official rise from an almost brief- 
 less bag, to a commissioneiship of revenue, through 
 the influence of the celebrated Peg Woffington; and 
 being some time afterwards in th*' pit of the theatre, 
 a famous priestess of Pomona, named Monica Gaul, 
 eminent for her wit, came in between the acts, and 
 was striding over the seats, proclaiming her fine 
 China oranges and Belvedere grapes, and stepping, 
 in her way, across the bench where Mr. Mason sat, 
 he, in a spirit oi gallantry , thrust his hand under her 
 lower garments. Monica, in a loud playhouse whis- 
 per, said — " Oh, by Jasus, Mr Commissioner, vo^u 
 are upon a wrong scent : you'll find no run goods 
 there, for everything ha^sheen fairly entered.^' 
 
 J^itUs for the inge^iimis. 
 In Coggesneii, in Essex, the inhabitants not liking 
 the situation of their church, and being unable to 
 afford the expense of pulling it down and building 
 another, resolved to attempt to remove it entire 
 Some dozen stont labourers were hired to shove i> 
 to the required site. Before the j commenced opera- 
 tions, they pulled off their jackets and laid then- 
 down, to mark how far they were to move ^he church 
 — they then went to the other side and set to work. 
 Meanwhile their clothes were stolen. After shoving 
 for some time, they went to the other side to sec 
 what progress they had made, and finding their 
 clothes gone, they said it was a pity they had not 
 left off sooner, as they had shoved the'cburch tco i%r, 
 *nd CO veered their clothes!
 
 306 A QUESTION TOO MUCH. 
 
 A man hiving received from Yarmouth some red 
 herrings as a present, was so pleased with them that 
 he sent for a bushel to stock nis pond with 1 
 
 A good housewife having received a pouud of cof- 
 fee, boiled It, and served it up with parsley and but- 
 ter. She declared that they were the' very worst 
 split peas she had ever seen, as she had boiled them 
 for hours, and- yet they remained quite hard! 
 
 Another boiled a pound of tea like spinach, throw- 
 ing the waeri way ! 
 
 The crops having failed one year, for want of 
 warmth, a farmer selected certain barns which he set 
 wide open on a very hot day when the sun was in 
 •fine lustre, and then very carefully closed them, to 
 preserve a stock of sunshine against a time of need ! 
 
 Two worthy citizens being about to be hung, 
 whilst on the gallows attending to their devotions, a 
 mad bull from an adjacent enclosure ran. among the 
 spectators, scattering them in every direction. They 
 jumped up from their prayers, congratulating them- 
 selves on their good fortune in being out of the reach 
 of the animal. 
 
 A question tcro much. 
 The veteran Counsellor Coldbeck, one day cross- 
 examining a country fellow as a witness, asked him 
 inreveral ways what he thought a particular person 
 to be, from his own knowledge, hearsay, or belief, 
 but could extract no other answer than that " he did 
 not know, and could not tell." " Come, fellow, 
 (said the CounselloL-) answer me on your oath : 
 what would you take me to be, if you did not actu- 
 ally know my person, and should meet me in the 
 street?" "Why then, (answered the fellow) by 
 rartue of my oath, if you had not that wig and gown 
 upon you, I should take you for a little ould pedlar." 
 The Counsellor resumed bis seat, amidst shouts of 
 Uughter.
 
 VERY APPaOPRIATE. 307 
 
 Paragraphs in a late Irish newspaper. 
 
 " Yesterday Mr. Kenny, rpturning to town, fell 
 down and broke his neck ; but, happily, received no 
 other damage." 
 
 " Married. — A few days ago, Mr. Mooney, to the 
 Widow Kelly, with a fortune of six children, which 
 renders the marriage state truly happy." 
 
 " Yesterday an attorney passing through Dame 
 Street, was spattered with a mud cart. He received 
 damages, but not costs of suit." 
 
 Very appropriate. 
 
 Some years ago the old Four Courts of justice in 
 Dublin immediately adjoined a range of dull heavy 
 buildings called Hell — no doubt, from the obscurity 
 of the place. 
 
 The following advertisement appeared in one of 
 the Dublin newspapers; — " To be Let. A suite of 
 Chambers in Hell. Ready Furnished. t^ They 
 will be found very convenient for a Lawyer." 
 
 Population. 
 An Irishman was once examined at the bar of the 
 House of Commons, on an affair respecting the Isle 
 of Man. Mr. Dundas asked the witness '• If the po- 
 pulation of the island was on the increase '" " Very 
 much, (answeredhe) " since I came there .'" 
 
 Ocular taste. 
 A warrant oflBcer, on board one of the ships of war 
 lying in ordinary below Gravesend, had been origi- 
 nally bred a glass-cutter, and, m the course of h:8 
 naval life obfained some celebrity amongst the navy 
 surgeons, in making glass eyes for such of his pa' 
 tientsas had lost an optic in the fortune of war. He 
 drove for a long time a considerable trade in these 
 visual commodities, in his new birth.
 
 308 A DROLL QUEfiTIOK. 
 
 An Hibernian naral lieutenant, who had lost act 
 eye in action, on his arrival from the West Indiea in 
 the river, determined to repair a little the damages 
 of bis beauty, and boarded the ship where the oculist 
 was quartered, to fit himself out with a starboard eye. 
 The oculist opened his cabinet, and picked out a 
 handsome blue eye, to match the lieutenant's lar- 
 board head-light ; but his customer swore lustily he 
 would not have a blue eye at all at a!l. He had no 
 luck with bine eyes, and therefore he would have a 
 brotcn one, as he liked the colour better. Ne re- 
 monstrance could change his resolution; and he had 
 the brown eye actually fitted into his forecastle Ian- 
 thorn, for which he paid the stipulated price, obser- 
 ving, that he believed it was a damned bad one, for 
 he could not see a wink through it ; but it was no 
 matter, as he could see all he wanted through the old 
 one." 
 
 A droll question. 
 
 The father of an Irish student seeing his son act 
 very untowardly, said, "Why, sirrah, did i/ou erer ie« 
 me do so, whe-n J was a boy ? " 
 
 The Irish appraiser. 
 An Irish appraiser having been employed to make 
 an inventory and apprasional of the goods of a per- 
 son deceased, set down some of the articles as fol- 
 lows : Item, An empty box full of old wigs, worth 
 nothing at all, 5s. ; an Hebrew Bible he thus parti- 
 cularized. Item, A book, the ieginntn^ of which is at 
 the end." 
 
 A Welchman'i bull. 
 When Sir John Davis, who was a Welchman, was 
 in Ireland, in the reign of King James the First, he 
 wrote a letter to the King in the following words.
 
 A TKftY CURIOUS MISTAKE. 309 
 
 " Most mighty Prince — The gold mine that w^as re- 
 cently discovered in Ballycurry, turns out to be a 
 lead one." 
 
 A very fiurious mistake. 
 One of those Hibernian lapidaries to whose skill 
 the London pavements are so highly indebted, was 
 tried at the Old Bailey for biting off the nose of a 
 Welchman, a brother paviour, in a quarrel, at their 
 work. The unfortunate Cambrian appeared in court 
 with his noseless countenance, and swore the fact 
 against the prisoner : but Dennis stoutly denied it, 
 and called another Hibernian paviour to give evi- 
 dence in his defence. This witness, with great ap- 
 p»rent simplicity, stated " that Dennis and the man 
 nada little bit of a scrimmage, and both fell toge- 
 ther, that the Welchman made several attempts to 
 bite the face of Dennis, and at last he made a twist 
 of his mouth, and hit off h^ &iett nose in a mistake .'*' 
 
 Much required for little money. 
 
 The following advertisement actually appeared in 
 the Times newspaper one of the days last month : — 
 
 " Wanted, in a gentleman's family, as Nursery 
 Governess, to instruct two young ladies in French, 
 music, and singing, with the usual branches of edu- 
 cation, and to take entire charge of the wardrobe. 
 She must be of a social disposition and fond of chil- 
 dren, and have the manners of a gentlewoman, as 
 she will be treated as one of the family. Salary, 
 tioelve guineas per annum. 
 
 Algebra. 
 In a party of which Porson was a guest, there was 
 also anhysician, a Dr. Brocklesby, a descendant of 
 the eminent man who attended Dr. Johnson hsii 
 last illness. In addressiog Dr. B., Poreon always
 
 310 WITCHCRAFT WAGGERIES. 
 
 called him Dr. Rock — a name rendered almost infa- 
 mous by Hogarth, in his picture of the March of the 
 Guards At length Dr. B. became offended, and 
 said, " Mr Porson, my name is not Rock — it is 
 Brocklesby"— pronouncing the syllables distinctly. 
 " Well, (said Porson) if Brock — less B is not Rock, 
 I know nothing of Algebra." 
 
 Charity and gallantry. 
 The late Bishop of Exeter, having established a 
 poor-house for twenty-five old women, asked Lord 
 Mansfield for an inscription. Upon which his lord- 
 ship wrote — " Under this roof, the Lord Bishop of 
 Exeter keeps twenty-five women." 
 
 Witchcraft waggaries. 
 Some time ago certain scholastic wags of Oxford, 
 having walked far from their college, came in the 
 dusk of the evening to a venerable yeoman's house, 
 where, being cold and hungry, they resolveil upon 
 seeking food and warmth. Hearing the sound of 
 merriment within, one of them furtively stole to the 
 window, and, peeping through, discovered a very 
 jolly man, with a rosy, clerical face, amorously salu- 
 ting the red cow-teat fingers of the hostess, who had 
 just laid upon the board before him a multitude of 
 dainty meats. He retired with this intelligence to 
 his shivering and ravenous comrades, and while 
 these were debating how they might compass the 
 possession of a part of the fare, whereat their mouths 
 80 abundantly watered, the yeoman himself, booted 
 and begrimed as one who had lately finished a long 
 and hastily performed journey. Upon this, the 
 scout returned to his old watch, and the others went 
 forward to salute the yeoman, who with ahearty wel- 
 come led them back towards his house. Here the 
 Bc^ut joined them, having noted the hurried ranish-
 
 THt Oi:«rLEMAN AND HI3 WIVES. 811 
 
 ing of parson and provender at the sound of the 
 yeoman's boot on the path. All entered; but the 
 dame avowed that ehe had nought to give them, save 
 coarse and homely fare. But the scout imrnediately 
 stood forth, and by exorcisms oiFered to raise dainty 
 ane delicious meats ; whereat the yeoman marvelled, 
 bnt desired him forthwith to begin. Then, spov.ting 
 much Gr-eek, the wag pointed towards the oven, 
 whence his companion* drew in succession the fair 
 dishes which he, the scout, had seen the dame there- 
 in conceal. After regalj;i2 jovially thereon — the 
 host applauding their timely witchcraft with each 
 mouthful — he who had watched said, " Ah. farmer, 
 thou little dreamest what we of Oxford can do!" 
 " By the mass, then, (quoth the yeoman) I have 
 heard much of your doings, and after what I have 
 this night seen, I will uphold the tales told of yp ag 
 true things; except, albeit, the story of your raising 
 the black prince of darkness." " That can We do 1" 
 " Cau ye, I'faith ?" " Aye, and will; but, for that 
 purpose, we must have a dry furze faggot." " And 
 you shall, my lads; for methinks I should not be 
 very sorely terrified at the sight of him, with you for 
 my companions." The faggot was brought in, and 
 cur waggish scout set fire unto it, and placed it, 
 blazing as it was. under the huge boiler in the cor- 
 ner; whereupon, being grievously incommoded with 
 the heat, the affrighted visitor of the yeoman's wife 
 threw up the cover, leaped out of the boiler, and va- 
 nished with all speed. " \^'ell, (quoth the astonish- 
 ed and believing veoman) if you had not told me it 
 was the devil you were about to raise, by the mass, 
 sirs. I could have sworn it was no other than Master 
 (iill, our most respected parson." 
 
 Tlie gentleman and his wives. 
 A certain man came ta Copley the celebrated
 
 o'l2 AN IRISH DINNER. 
 
 painter, and had himself, his wife, and seven chil- 
 dren, all included in a family piece. " It wants but 
 one thing, (said he) and that is the portrait of my 
 first wife — for this one is my second." " But, (said 
 the artist) she is dead, you know, sir; what can I 
 do ? she is only to be admitted as an an^el." Oh, 
 no! not at all! (answered the other;) she must 
 come in as a woman ; no angels forme." The por- 
 trait was added, but some time elapsed before the 
 person came back, and when he did so, he had a 
 stranger lady on his arm. " I must have another 
 cast of your hand, Copley, (he sb.id.) An accident 
 befel my second wife ; this lady is my third, and she 
 is come to have her likeness included in the family 
 picture. The painter complied — the likeness was in- 
 troduced, and the husband looked with a glance of 
 satisfaction on his three spouses Not so the lady ; 
 she remonstrated; never was such a thing heard of, 
 and out her predecessors must go. The artist paint- 
 ed them out accordingly, and had to bring an action 
 at law to obtain payment for the portraits he had 
 obliterated. 
 
 An Irish dinner. 
 An Irish gentleman being invited by a friend to 
 stay and dine, replied, " No. I thank you ; 1 have had 
 all th« dinner I am going to have." 
 
 ^ A strange request. 
 An Irish grntleman in company, a few nights 
 since, seeing that the lights were so dim as only to 
 render thedarkness visible, called out lustily, " Here, 
 waiter, let me have a couple oidacent candles, that 1 
 may see how these others burn." 
 
 Miss F'iHune. 
 A gentleman said, "When I court wealth 1 look 
 oiwSor tinviie Fortune — not Miss.
 
 A TALE OF THE GREAT PLAGUE. 313 
 
 The humourous schoolmaster. 
 
 As a lame country schoolmaster was hobbling one 
 day to his school-room, he was met by a certain in- 
 quisitive nobleman, who asked him his name and 
 vocation. Having declared his name, he added, 
 " and I am master of the parish." " Master of the 
 parish! How can that be ?" observed the peer. "1 
 am master of the children of the parish,'' said the 
 man; " the children are masters of their mothers ; 
 the mothers are the rulers of their fathers ; and, 
 consequently, J am master of all tlie parish." 
 
 A tale of the Great Plague. 
 
 About five or six years after that deplorable great 
 plague of London, there befel a circumstance which, 
 as it is not set forth in Defoe's history of the pesti- 
 lence, 1 shall make bold to write down herein, not 
 only on account of the strangeness of the event, but 
 also because it carries a moral pick-a-back, as a good 
 story ought to do. 
 
 It is a notoriously known fact, as collected from 
 the bills of mortality, that there died ofthe plaguein 
 the metropolis a matter of some hundreds of thou- 
 sands of human souls ; yet notwithstanding this aw- 
 ful warning to evil doers, the land did nevertheless 
 bring forth such a rank crop of sin and wickedness, 
 that the like was never known before or after ; the 
 «ity of London, especially, being overrun with bands 
 of thieves and murderers, against whom there was 
 little or no check, the civical police having been ut- 
 terly disbanded and disrupt during the ravages of the 
 pestileice, Neither did men's minds turn for some 
 time towards the mere safeguard of property, being, 
 still distracted with personal fears, for although the 
 pest had, as it were, died of the excess of its own 
 violence, yet from time to time there arose flying 
 rumours of fresh breakings out of the malady. Th
 
 314 A TALE OF THE GREAT PLAGUE, 
 
 small pox and the malignant fever being the prolific 
 parenfs of such like alarms. Accordingly many no- 
 table robberies and divers grievous murders having 
 been acted with impunity during the horrible crisis 
 of the pest, those which had before been wicked were 
 now hardened, and became a thousand times worse, 
 till the city and the neighbourhood thereof seemed 
 almost entirely given in prey to devils, who had 
 been loosened for a season from the everlasting fet- 
 ters of the law. 
 
 Now four of these desperadoes having met toge- 
 ther at the Dolphin in Deptford, they laid a plot to- 
 gether to rob a certain lone mansion house which 
 stood betwixt the Thames marshes and the forest of 
 Hainault, and which was left in the charge of only 
 one man, the family being gone off to another man- 
 sion house in the county of Wiltshire, for the sake of 
 a more wholesome air. And the manner of the plot 
 was this: one of the villains going in a feigned 
 voice was to knock at the front door, and beg pite- 
 ously for a night's shelter, and then the door, being 
 opened, the other knaves were to rush in and bind 
 theserving man, or murderhim, as might seem best, 
 and so taking his keys they were to ransack the 
 house, where they expected to find a good store of 
 plate. Accordingly one Friday, at the dead of the 
 night they set forth, having for leader a fellow that 
 was named Blackface, by reason of a vizard which he 
 wore always on such errands, diverting themselves 
 by the way with laying out each man his share of the 
 booty in the manner that pleased him best, wine and 
 women of Lewkener s Lane coming in, you may be 
 sure, for the main burthen of the song. 
 
 At last they entered the fore-court of the house 
 they were going to rob, and which was as silent as 
 death, and as dark, excepting a glimmer from one 
 window towards the top. Blackface then, as agreed 
 upon, began to beat at the door, but being flushed
 
 A TALE OF THE GREAT PLAGUE. 3l5 
 
 w^ilii drink, instead of entreating for an entrance, he 
 shouted out to the serving man, bidding him with 
 many terrible oaths to come down and to render up 
 his keys, for that they were come to relieve him of 
 his charge. 
 
 " In the name of God, my masters," cried the 
 serving-man from the window, " what do you want 
 here ?" 
 
 " We are come," returned Blackface, " to relieve 
 you of your trust, so throw us down yourkeyn." 
 
 "An that be all," said the serving-man, whose 
 name wbs Adams, " wait but a little while, and you 
 shall hare the keys and m^ place to boot. Come 
 again but a few hours hence and you shall find me 
 dead, when you may do with me and my trust as you 
 list." 
 
 " Come, come," cries Blackface, "no preaching, 
 but come down and open, or we will bring fire and 
 faggot to the door." 
 
 " Ye shall not need," answered Adams, " hearken 
 only to what I say, and you shall have free passage ; 
 but I give you fair warning, though I be but a single 
 man, and without weapon, and sick even unto 
 death, yet shall your coming in cost you as many 
 lives as ye bear amongst you, for within these walls 
 there is a dismal giantthat hath slain histhousands, 
 even the plague." At these dreary words the cou- 
 rage of the robbers was damped, but Blackface spi- 
 rited them on, saying it was no doubt an invention to 
 deter them from the spoil. 
 
 '* Alas," answered Adams, who overheard their ar- 
 gument, " what I say is the solemn and sorrowful 
 truth, and which I am speaking for the last time, for 
 I shall never see to-morrow's blessed sun. As for 
 the door, 1 will open it to you with my own hands, 
 beseeching you for yourown sakes to stand apart a 
 little, and out of the taint of my breath, which is 
 sure destruction. There is one child herein a dead
 
 816 A TALE OF THE GREAT PLAGUE, 
 
 corpse, which you shall behold if you hare so much 
 courage, for it lieth unburied in the hall." So say- 
 ing hedescended, and presently flung open the hall 
 door, the villains withdrawing a little backward, and 
 they saw verily by the light of a rush wick which he 
 carriedthat he was lapt only in a white sheet, and 
 looking very pale and ghost-like, with a most dis- 
 mal black circle round each of his eyes. 
 
 " If ye disbelieve me still, (he said) look inwards 
 when I draw back from the door, and ye shall soon 
 see what was a living child this day, but is now a 
 corpse hastening to corruption. Alas, in the midst 
 of life we are in death — she was seized while at play. 
 With these words he drew aside, and the robbers, 
 looking through the door, perceived it was even as 
 he said, for the dead body of the child was lying on 
 the hall table, with a similar black ring round its 
 eyes, and dressed in brocade and riband, as though 
 death had carried it off", even as he said, in its holi- 
 day clothes. " Now," said Adams, after they had 
 gazed a while, *' here be the keys," therewithal cast- 
 ing towards them a huge bunch, but the villains 
 would now no more meddle with them than with so 
 many aspics or scorpions, looking on them in truth 
 as the very keys of death'sdoor. Accordingly, after 
 venting a few curses on their ill luck, they began to 
 depart in very ill humour, when Adams again called 
 to them to hear bis last words. 
 
 ♦' Now," said he, " though ye came hither with 
 robbery, and perchance murder in your hearts, 
 against me, yet as a true Christian will £ not only 
 forgive your wicked intents, but advise you how to 
 shun that miserable end which my own life is coming 
 to so very suddenly. Though your souls have been 
 Si?ed from sin, yet doubtless ye have not stood so 
 kng in this infected air without peril to the health 
 of your bo'ies, wherefore by the advice of a dying 
 man go straightway from this over to Leytonstonc,
 
 A TALE OF THE GREAT PLAGUE. 317 
 
 wtiere there be tan pits, and sit there for a good 
 hour amidst the strong smell of the tan, and which 
 hath more\irtue as a remedy against the infection of 
 the plague than even tobacco or the fragrant odour 
 of drugs. Do this and live, for the poison is strong 
 and subtle, and SL'izeth ere one can be aware on the 
 very springs of life." Thereupon, he uttered a dis- 
 mal groan, and began yelling so fearfully that the 
 robbers with one accord took to flight, and never 
 stopped till they were come to Leystonstone, and 
 into the tanner's yard, where they sat down and 
 stooped over the pit. snuffing up the odours with all 
 the relish of men in whose nostrils it was as the 
 breath of life. 
 
 They nad been sitting in this posture about half 
 an hour, when there entered several persons with a 
 lantern, and which they took to be the tanner and 
 his men, and to whom, therefore, they addressed 
 themselvas, begging pardon for their boldness, and 
 entreating leave to continue a while in the tan-yard 
 to disinfect themselves of the plague. They had 
 scarcely uttered these words, when each man was 
 suddenly seized upon, and bound in a twinkling, the 
 constables — for such they were — jeering them, and 
 saying the plague had been too busy to come itself, 
 but had sent them a gallows and a halter instead, 
 which might serve their turn. 
 
 Three of the rogues now became very chop-fallen, 
 but Blackface swore he could die easy but for one 
 thing upon his mind, and that was, what had become 
 of the dead child and the man dying of the plague, 
 both of which he had seen with his own eyes. Here- 
 upon the man with a lantern turned the light upon 
 his own face, which the rogues recognized directly 
 to be the countenance of Adams him&elf, but with- 
 out any of those black rings round his eyes, and for 
 which he explained he had been indebted to a little 
 charcoal. •' As for the dead child, my masters, (ht 
 o2
 
 313 A CURIOUS DIALOGUE. 
 
 said) you must enquireof the worshipful cnrnpauy of 
 Barber Surgeons, and they will tell yov of a certian 
 waxen puppet of Hygeia, the Goddess of Health, 
 which used to be carried at their pageants, and 
 when it fell into disuse was purchased of them by my 
 Lady Dame Ellinor Wood, for a plaything to her 
 ownchiklren. So one head you see is worth four 
 pair of hands ; and your whole gang, tall and strong 
 knaves though you be, have been overmatched by 
 one old man and a doll." 
 
 Curious Dialogue between an Irish Innkeeper and an 
 Englishman 
 
 Englishman. Holloa, house ! 
 
 Innkeeper. I don't know any of that name. 
 
 Eng. Are you the master of the inn? 
 
 Inn. Yes, sir, please your honour, when my wife's 
 from home. 
 
 Eng. Heve you a bill of fare ? 
 
 Inn. Yes, sir; the fair of Mullingar andBalliiisloe 
 axt^tiext week. 
 
 Eng. I seo. How are your beds? 
 
 Inn. Very well, I thank you, sir. 
 
 Eng. Have you any Mountain ? 
 
 Inn Yes, sir; this country is full of mountains. 
 
 Eng. I mean a kind of wine. 
 
 Inn. Yes, sir ; all kinds — from Irish white wine, 
 (buttermilk) to Burgundy. 
 
 Eng. Have you any porter ? 
 
 Inn. Yes, sir; Pat is an lUigant portor. He'll go 
 anywhere 
 
 Eng. No, no; I mean porter to drink. 
 
 hin. Oh, sir, he'd drinlc the ocean — lave him alone 
 for that .' 
 
 Eng. Have you any fish? 
 
 Inn. They call me an odd fish. 
 
 Eng. So 1 think. I hope you are not a shark. 
 
 Inn. No, sir ; indeed lam not a lawver.
 
 A RECRUITING SPEECH. 319 
 
 Fug. Hare you any soles ? 
 Inn. For your shoes or boots, sir? 
 Eng. Psha ! Have you any plaice ? 
 Inn. No, sir; I was promised one to vote for Mr. B. 
 Eng. Have you any wildfowl ? 
 Inn, Oh, yes, sir; they are tame enough now — for 
 they have been killed these three days. 
 Eyig. I must sea, mvself. 
 Inn. An' welcome, sir. I'll fetch the looking glass. 
 
 A Recruiting Serjeant's Speech to the Moh. 
 My Good People — You have heard my drum, 
 and now it is my turn. It is a common saying, that 
 the king cannot make a gentleman ; but look you, he 
 that uttered it first, whether herald to Tom Thumb, 
 or Jack the Giant-Killer, lied in his throat; for 
 whoever can bestow arms can make a gentleman. 
 Now, simple as I stand here, the king has bestowed 
 arms on me, wherefore I am a gentleman ; and if it 
 is my good will and pleasure, I can translate a score 
 or two of you to the same honour. And what can 
 you do better ? You are now a pack of dirty, mea- 
 gre, ragamuffin scoundrels — slaves to your masters, 
 drudges to your wives, and the property of gin 
 shops, alehouses, pawnbroker', and excisemen ; — 
 whereas, take but this piece of gold, and handle this 
 brown musket, your debts are discharged, the king's 
 your paymaster, your wives may nang themselves, 
 and you may live at free quarter upon other peo- 
 ple's. To make short of mv story, you become as 
 good gentlemen as I am, and, on the strength of 
 your sword, may take the wall of a better man when 
 you please. But perhaps you have no great sto- 
 mach for fighting. You may fancy Frenchmen sea- 
 son their oglios with Englishmen's ears, and so 
 forth. Never fear — threatened folks live longest. 
 And I myself have been in the service, man and 
 boy, these five-and-twenty years, and never once
 
 320 A RECRUITING SPEECH TO THE MOB. 
 
 looked an enemy in the face. Lord help you! if 
 Chelsea college was to be filled with none but such 
 as had lost their eyes, ears, and noses, in the field of 
 battle, the income might, in time, be turned over to 
 Greenwich hospital, and the building itself be occu- 
 pied by nurses and foundling children ! Do not be 
 afraid of fighting, then — my life for yours, you will 
 have no reason. The power above, to whom we owe 
 our being, has taken us into his protection and fa- 
 vour, and has determined that not a hair of our 
 heads shall fall to the ground. Nay, if we seem to 
 be in danger, he makes it his business to deliver us, 
 and if our enemies plot our destruction, he never 
 fails to confound them. Oh, but the wags make 
 themselves merry with musters, and reviews, pow- 
 der and cockades, and so forth. Well, let them — 
 they pay dear enough for their jokes, God knows! 
 And, if they have wit and common sense on their 
 side, we have abuse and Billingsgate on curs. 
 Among friends, a whole legion of Garreteers — gen- 
 tlemen who indite curiously, are bound by their ar- 
 ticles to defend us; to defend us from being dis- 
 banded in time of peace, and from being employed 
 in time of war ; nay, more, to pen chronicles of our 
 exploits, and take their Bible oaths that a cockle 
 shell is a Spanish pistole. 
 
 But, good people, — (gentlemen I would call you, 
 but, as I said before, you must first bear arms) — not 
 to lead you beyond your depth, fleece or be fleeced 
 is the word — and whether it is best to be the sheep 
 or the shearer, judge for yourselves. You see we 
 land-officers do notpress people into ourservice, nor 
 clap them under hatches, or stow them in infirma- 
 ries. But I say no more. Step to the parade — at- 
 tend a review, and there you will see us in our glory. 
 I-t t clean spatterdashes, powdered hair, drums and 
 dolours, speak for themselves ; and if you have a 
 I'indto wnet your whistles with his majesty's dou-
 
 THE PAHSON AND HIS MAID. 321 
 
 ble beer in the meanwhile, follow me Huzza! God 
 sare the King ! 
 
 Quaint epitaph. 
 
 Richard Jenkins here doth lay, 
 Lately removed from over the way. 
 
 The parson and his maid. 
 
 An overgrown vicar, who often had made 
 A little too free with his buxom housemaid, 
 At length found it prudent, for fearof disgrace. 
 To look for another to fill up her place. 
 Another soon came, who, with sly sober look, 
 Fairly own'd she was not very much of a cook ; 
 As a sempstress or housemaid but little she knew, 
 Andconfess'd that she neither could wash, bake, or 
 
 brew; 
 Yet still the arch gipsey, demure as a Turk, 
 Demanded ten guineas a year for her work ; 
 *' Ten guineas! For what?" cries the vicar, half 
 
 wild. 
 "Please your rev'rence," says she, "I am nevei 
 
 with child." 
 
 Ingredients mhich compose modem love. 
 
 Twenty glances, twenty tears, 
 Twenty hopes, aud twenty fears. 
 Twenty times assail your door, 
 4nd, if denied, come twenty more ; 
 Twenty letters perfumed sweet, 
 Twenty nods in every street. 
 Twenty oaths and twenty lies, 
 Twenty smiles and twenty sighs ; 
 Twenty times in jealous rage, 
 Twenty beauties to engage. 
 Twenty tales to whisper lov/. 
 Twenty billet-doux to show—
 
 322 THE QUIBBLER. 
 
 Tvrenty tines a day to pass 
 Before a flatt'ering looking-glass. 
 Twenty times to stop your coach. 
 With twenty words of fond reproach- 
 Twenty days of keen vexations- 
 Twenty opera assignations — 
 Twenty nights behind the scenes 
 To dangle after mimic queens. 
 Twenty times down Rotten Row 
 With twenty painted hags to go ; 
 Twenty such lovers may be found, 
 Sighing for — twenty thousand pounds I 
 But take my word, ye girls of sense— 
 You'll find them not worth twenty "pence ! 
 
 The quibbler. 
 A gentleman staying late one night at a tavern, 
 his wife sent his servant for him about twelve. 
 "John, (said he) go home and tell your mistress it 
 can be no more." The man returned by his mis- 
 tress's orders again atone — the answer then was " it 
 could be no less." " But sir, (^aid the man) the day 
 is broke." " With all my heart, (replied the mas- 
 ter) for he owes me nothing." " But the sun is up, 
 sir." •' And so he ought to be, John — he has farther 
 to go than we have" 
 
 Ten to one. 
 Spendthrift has fixed upon a certain day, 
 Twixtten and one his tailor's bill to pay — 
 Qucere the odds it never will be done ? 
 1 quote his words — exactly ten to one. 
 
 A pretty boy. 
 One of the march-of-intellect boys, who are now 
 •o rife at early age in our public schools, was show- 
 ing off, as usual, by asking instead of answering
 
 COMPETITION. 31^3 
 
 questions. 'I he lesson was geography, and lie non- 
 plussed his teacher by enquiring, in the most sim- 
 pering assun:ptii)n of modesty, " Pray, sir, are there 
 not some savage nations who wear ear-rings in their 
 noses ?" 
 
 Satisfadinn. 
 An Indian shoots at his enemy from behind a tree 
 — a Turk will strike his handjar into the hoait of a 
 foe whilehe sleeps — and a South American Spaniard 
 will rip up, on the spot, the bowels of one who has 
 insulted him; while an Englishman or Frenchman 
 calls out the man who has cast a stain upon his ho- 
 nour, and running him through the midriff, accord- 
 ing to the rules of fencing, orblowing out his brains 
 at the dropping of a handkerchief, walks away, and 
 calls this a fair, manly, and open revenge — receiving 
 the satisfaction of a gentleman. 
 
 Competition. 
 
 At the door of the Commercial Coach-office, Man- 
 chester there is a large placard, thus inscribed : — 
 
 " Beat this who can ! Inside or Outside to Shef- 
 field — what you please 1" 
 
 Natural affinity. 
 An outside passenger by one of the Manchester 
 and London coaches, on a windy night, had his hat 
 blown over a bridge and carried away by thestrenm. 
 •' la it not very singular, (said he to a gentleman 
 who was seated beside him) that my hat should have 
 taken that direction?" "Not at all, (replied the 
 latter;) it isbut natural that a beaver should take to 
 the river." 
 
 Matches. 
 Some one observed the other da;-, " Matches are 
 madain heaven." " Yes, (auswcred the late faceii- 
 "3
 
 3^4 curran's ingenuity. 
 
 oas Sir Charles Flower,) and they are very oitendip' 
 ped in the other place." 
 
 Pau-ning in Belfast. 
 The following speech was made at a huckster's 
 shop in Belfast. " Plase, sir, I want a ha'porth of 
 tea, a ha'porth of sugar, a ha'porth of butter, a loan 
 of your kettle, and a blow of your bellows, and 
 there's my mother's mutch (cap) till Monday." 
 
 Curran's ingenuity, 
 
 A farmer, attending a fair with a hundred pounds 
 in his pocket, took the precaution of depositing it 
 in the hands of the landlord of the public-house at 
 which he stopped. Having occasion for it shortly 
 afterwards, ne repaired to mine host for the bail- 
 ment, but the landlord, too deep for the countryman 
 wondered what hundred was meant, and was quite 
 sure no such sum had ever been lodged in his hands 
 by the astonished rustic. After many ineffectual 
 appeals to the recollection, and finally to the honour 
 of Bardolph, the farmer applied to Curran for ad- 
 vice. " Have patience, my friend, (said Curran;) 
 Bpeak to the landlord civilly, and tell him you are 
 convinced you must have left your money with 
 some other person. Take a friend with you, and 
 lodge with him anothe hundred in the presence of 
 your friend, and then come to me." 
 
 We must imagine, and not commit to paper, the 
 vociferations of the honest dupe at such advice; 
 however, moved by the rhetoric of the worthy coun- 
 sel, he followed it, and returned to his legal' friend. 
 " And now, sir, I don't see as I'm to be better ofif for 
 this, if I get my second hundred Bgain — but how ia 
 that to be done?" " Go and ask him for it when he 
 is alone," said the counsel. " Aye, sir ; but asking 
 wun't do I'm afraid, and not without my witness, at
 
 A WHIMSICAL Sioy. 325 
 
 any rat*^." "Nevermind — take my advice — (said 
 the counsel) — do as I bid you, and return to me." 
 The farmer returned with "the hundred, sHd at any 
 rate to find that safe a^ain in hs possession " Now 
 1 suppose I must fce content, though I don't see a3 
 I'm much better off." " Well, then, (said the coun- 
 sel) now take your friend with you, and ask the 
 landlord for the hundred pounds your friend saw 
 you leave with him." 
 
 We need not add, that the wily landlord found 
 that he had been taken off his guard, while our ho- 
 nest friend — whom one would have almost wished to 
 have tried two hundred the second time — returned 
 to thank his counsel exultingly, with both of his 
 hundreds in his pocket." 
 
 Domesnc economy. 
 
 The lady of Dr. Bentham was a woman of a dispo- 
 sition congenial with that of her caro sposa. She 
 asked a person, who applied for the place of a foot- 
 man in her family, if he could whistle. " Why is 
 that necessary ?" said the man. " Because, (said 
 the lady,) I expect my footman to whistle all the 
 time he is in the cellar, to be certain that he la not 
 drinking while he is there." 
 
 A ichimsical sign. 
 
 Upon the door of a house near Bridgewater, occu- 
 pied by a father and son — the former, a blacksmith 
 and publican ; the latter, a barber — is a board with 
 the following inscription : — 
 
 '• Barnes and son. Blacksmith and barber's Work 
 Done here, horseShoemgand shaving, locks Mend- 
 ed, hare curling, bleeding, teeth Drawing, ard all 
 other farriery Work. AR sorts of spiratus Lickera 
 According to the late comical treaty. Take notis — 
 My wife Keej s skool, and lays fuVes as Ushall —
 
 326 DISINTERESTED WISH. 
 
 teaches reding And ritlng and Other la'.igwidges— 
 and Has a Sistants, if Required, To teach horiory, 
 sowing, the mathew Maticks, And All Other fashoa- 
 able diwarshoiis," 
 
 Whimsical Epitaph on John Cole, who died suddenly 
 while eating his dinner. 
 Here lies Johnny Cole, 
 Who died, on my soul. 
 After eating a plentiful dinner — 
 While chewing his crust, 
 He was turn'd into dust, 
 With his crimes undigested, poor sinner ! 
 
 Disinterested wish. 
 A youth lately visited a maid at her master's Jo- 
 www, but being disturbed, she popped him into a 
 large chest and locked it. He lay listening in great 
 perturbation, which was much increased by hearing 
 an alarm of fire in the house. " Good heavens.' 
 (said the tenant of the chest,) I hope they II lake care 
 of the furniture .'" 
 
 Parting with a living to save a life. 
 
 A young clergyman, who found it impossible to 
 provide for his family with his very slender income, 
 wrote to his friend, as follows : | 
 
 " Dear Frank — I mwApart with my living to save 
 my life." 
 
 Late hours, 
 Mr. Pitt used to censure late hours. " Mr. Pitt, 
 (said the Duchess of Gordon to him one day) I wish 
 you to dine with me this evening at fen." "I am 
 sorrytiall cannot do myself that honour, (^replied 
 the minister) for I am engaged to snj3 with the Bishop 
 of Line J ill at nine."
 
 MARCH OF MUSIC. 327 
 
 Extraordinary dialogue. 
 Two friends who bad not seen each other for a 
 considerable time met upon the Exchange. " How 
 d'ye do?" said the one. " So, so," replied the 
 other. "Umph! that is bad ; what have you been 
 doine since I saw you last?" "I have married." 
 " That's good." " Not so good either, for my wife's 
 avixen." " T7at's bad." " Not to bad either ; for 
 she brought me a thousand pounds." "That's 
 good." " Not so good, either — fori spent themoney 
 in purchasing some sheep, who have all died of the 
 ret." " That's bad." " Not so bad, either — for the 
 skins sold for nore than the sheep cost me." 
 " That's good." " Not so good either — for thehoupe 
 in which I had lodged the money was burnt to the 
 ground." "Oh, dear — that was very bad." "Not 
 so bad either, I assure you — for my termagant wile 
 was inside." 
 
 March of Music, 
 A highland piper having a soholar to teach, thus 
 initiated him into a knowledge of semibreves, mi- 
 nims, crotchets, and quavers ; — " You see that fel- 
 low with the white round open face (pointing to a 
 semi-breve, between the two lines of a bar;) he 
 moves slowly from that line to this, while you beat 
 one with your foot, and take a long blast. If you 
 now put a leg to him you make two of him, and he 
 will move twice as fast. If you blacken his face 
 thus, he will run four times faster than the first fel- 
 low with the white face. And what think ye now 1 
 after blackening his face thus, if vou bend his knee, 
 or tie his legs, he will hop you still eight times fas- 
 terthasthe white-faced fellow I showed vou first. 
 Now whenever you blow your pipes, Donald, re- 
 men-.ber this — the tighter those fellows' legs are 
 tied the faster they will run, and the quicker they 
 are sure to dance."
 
 328 A RIGHT OF ENTRY. 
 
 Dramatic effect. 
 h is related in the annals of the stage, as a re- 
 markable instance of the force of imagination, that 
 when Banks's play of the Earl of Essex was perform- 
 ed, a soldier who stood centinel on the stage entered 
 so deeply into the distress of the scene, that in the 
 delusion of his imagination, upon the Countess of 
 Nottingham's denying the receipt of the ring which 
 Essex had sent by her to claim a promise of favour, 
 he exclaimed — " 'Tis false ! she has it in her bo- 
 som !" and immediately seized the mock countess, to 
 make her deliver it up. 
 
 A right of entry. 
 It is by no means uncommon in the sister king- 
 dom to have the companionship of a cow in the par- 
 lour. An Englishman once ventured to ask a son of 
 St. Patrick why he admitted such a dirty brute into 
 the sitting-room — " Why, (said Paddy) because she 
 has the very best right. ' Sure, isn't it herself that 
 pays the rint ?" 
 
 Examination extraordinary. 
 On a boy's being asked by the curate, " What did 
 your godfathers and godmothers then for you ?" he 
 replied — 'Nothing ! 'Cause as how, I never had not 
 an J'." 
 
 A pertinent question. 
 An Hibernian, in the warmth of natural venera- 
 tion was once praising the extreme cheapness and 
 plenitude of provisions in Ireland, said — ■* Faith, a 
 salmon might be bought for sixpence, and a dozen 
 mackerel for twopence." " Then pray how came 
 you to leave so cht^ap a country .'" asked one of his 
 hearers. " Arrah, honey '. (cried Pat) but where 
 were the sixjjenccs and tivojiencea to be got ?"
 
 A5 IRREPARABLE LOSS. 329 
 
 OctUar dissension. 
 
 A gentleman in a large party, expressing nig dis- 
 like in very strong terms on the use of rouge, said — 
 " I am certain no man in his senses would wish to 
 gaze on a painted lady howeTer handsome she might 
 be." A blind gentleman in company excited a laugh 
 by exclaiming — " I dissent, sir ! I would give half 
 my fortune could I gaze on a whole bevy of painted 
 women !" 
 
 An irreyaraxiZe loss. 
 A lady meeting another who ten days since nad 
 buried her husband, began to condole her on the ir- 
 reparable loss she had sustained. " 'Twas a loas, 
 certainly, (she said) but not irreparable — for I yes- 
 terday replaced it yrith. a second husband " 
 
 The spare blanket. 
 Cold was the wind, and dark the night, 
 
 When Samuel Jinkin, called by some 
 The Reverend, (though ^ doubt his right,) 
 
 Reach'd Yarmouth's town, induced to come 
 By ardour in the cause of Zion, 
 And housed him at the Golden Lion. 
 
 His chamber held another bed, 
 
 But, as it was untenanted, 
 
 Our hero without fear ordoul t. 
 
 Undressed, and put the candle out, 
 
 And Morpheus, making haste to drop his 
 
 Drowsiest soporific poppies. 
 
 Sleep soon overtook the weary elf, 
 
 ^N ho snor'd like — nothing but himself. 
 
 The night was pretty far advAnc'd, 
 
 AN hen astray smuggler, as it chanced, 
 
 Was by the yawning Betty led, 
 
 To the aforesaid empty bed.
 
 830 TJIE Sl'ARE BLAKKKT. 
 
 'Tis plain that since his own bassoon 
 Did not awake him with its tune, 
 
 Sam could not hear his neighbour, 
 \N ho very leisurely undress'd, 
 Put out the light, retir'd to rest, 
 
 And. weary with his labour, 
 Form'cl a duet with nose sonorous, 
 Although it sounded like a chorus. 
 
 The witching time of night is near — 
 
 Hark I 'tis the hollow midnight bell, 
 \\ hofae echoes, fraught with solemn fear, 
 
 Far o'er the land and ocean swell. 
 The sentry on his lonely post. 
 Starts, and bethinks him of a ghost ; 
 Lists, eager for the distant sound 
 Of comrades marching to the round, 
 And bends athwart the gloom his eye. 
 The glimmers of their arms to spy — 
 While many a starting nymph awaking. 
 
 Counts tfie long time so dull and dread, 
 Fancies she sees the curtains shaking, 
 
 Draws underneath the clothes her head 
 Feels a cold shudder o'er her creep. 
 Attempts to pray, and falls asleep 
 
 Although our Missionary woke 
 
 Just at this moment in a shiver, 
 'Twas not the clock's appalling stroke 
 
 That put his limbs in such a quiver; 
 The blankets on his bed was two, 
 So far from being thick and new, 
 
 That he could well have borne a dozen. 
 No wonder that with such a store. 
 When first his heavy sleep was o'er. 
 
 The poor incumbent woke all frozen. 
 
 " Since Bettv has forgot the clothes," 
 Quoth Sam (confound her stupid head !)
 
 THE SPARE BLANKET. 331 
 
 " I'll just make free to borrow those 
 
 That lie upon the empty bed." 
 Soup he jumped, too coldand raw 
 
 To be punctiliousin his work, 
 Grasped the whole covering at a claw, 
 
 OfFstripp'd it with a single jerk, 
 And was retreating with his prey, 
 When, to his horror and dismay, 
 His ears were almost split asunder 
 
 By a hoarse shout as loud as thunder. 
 
 As Beelzebub, on all occasions 
 ^^ as present in his lucubrations, 
 He took for granted that to-night 
 The rogue had come to wreak his spite. 
 And stood transfixed afraid to breathe, 
 "\A'ith trembling lips and chattering teeth j 
 But cried at last, Kith desperate shout. 
 " Satan, avaunt ! I've found thee out." 
 
 Meanwhile, the Smuggler who had shouted 
 
 At findingall the blankets gone, 
 Though for a little while he doubted 
 
 The cause of the phenomenon. 
 Soon as he heard Sam's exclamation, 
 Concluded without hesitation, 
 'Twas an exciseman come to seize 
 His contraband commodities ; 
 Wherefore, within his fist collecting 
 
 His vigour and resentment too, 
 And by the voice his aim directing, 
 
 Since everything was hid from view 
 He launched a more than mortal blow. 
 
 Intending to conclude thematter, 
 Which, v/hizzingon its work of woe. 
 
 Fell with i. desolating clatter 
 Just where our Missionary bore hia 
 Two fiont teeth, or incisores.
 
 332 THE BENEVOLENT JUDGE. 
 
 This made the Jinkins fiercer burn 
 
 To give his foe a due return, 
 
 And punish him for what the brute did, 
 
 When his front teeth he had uprooted. 
 
 Rearing with this intent his fist, 
 
 Although the smuggler's face it miss'd, 
 
 It met his ear with such a rap, 
 
 He thought it was a thunder clap 
 
 Especially as from the crash 
 
 His eye-balls gave a sudden flash — 
 
 Jinkins meanwhile with clamour dire. 
 
 Vociferating " Thieves!" and " " Fire!" 
 
 Host, hostess, men and maids, rush'd in, 
 
 Astounded by the fearful din. 
 
 While many more prepared to follow 
 
 With lights and buckets, whoop and hollo ! 
 
 His foe, who saw how matters lay, 
 
 Slipp'd on his clothes — then slipp'd away ; 
 
 And, being somewhat waggish, thus 
 
 Began the subject to discuss, 
 
 •' Sure neither acted like a wise man 
 
 To think the devil would fight the exciseman, 
 
 When both pursue the self-same ends, 
 
 Like fellow-labourers and friends. 
 
 Both have authority to seize 
 
 Unlawful spirits where they please ; 
 
 Both have a right to claim as booties 
 
 All those who have evaded duties ; 
 
 They roam together hour by hour. 
 
 Both anxious ever to devour. 
 
 Now, since th' inseparable two 
 
 A partnership in this world form- 
 God grant that both may have their due. 
 And in the next be friends as warm." 
 
 Tlie benevolent judge. 
 The celebrated Anthony Domat, au
 
 IM3EN10US INTRODUCTION. 333 
 
 luminous treatise on the civil laws, was promoted to 
 the office of a judge of the provincial court of Cler- 
 mont, in the territory of the Auvergne, in the south 
 of France. In this court he presided, with the pub- 
 lic applause, for twenty-fonr years. One day a poor 
 widow brought an action against the Baron de Nai- 
 rae, her landlord, for turning her out of her mill, 
 which was thepoor creature's sole dependence. M, 
 Domat heard the cause, and finding by the clearest 
 evidence thatshe had ignorantly oroken a covenant 
 in the lease which gave him the power of re-entry, 
 he recommended mercy to the baron for a poor but 
 honest tenant, who had not wilfully transgressed, or 
 done him any material injury. Nairac being inex- 
 orable, the judge was compelled to pronounce an 
 ejectmeni, with the damages mentioned in the lease 
 and costs of suit — but he could uot pronounce this 
 just, but cruel decree without tears. When an order 
 of seizure, both of person and effects was added, ;he 
 poor widow exclaimed, "O merciful and righteous 
 God, be thou a friend to the widow and her help- 
 less orphans," and immediately fainted away. The 
 compassionate judge assisted in raising the unfortu- 
 nate womon, and after enquiring into her character, 
 number of children, and other circumstances, gene- 
 rously presented her with one hundred Louis d'ors, 
 the amount of the damages and costs, which he pre- 
 vailed upon the baron to accept as a full compensa- 
 tion, and to let the widow again enter upon her mill. 
 The poor widow anxiously enquired of M. Domat 
 when he would require payment, that she might lay 
 up accordingly. " When my conscience (he replied) 
 shall tell me I have donean improper act." 
 
 Ingenious introduction. 
 A certain nobleman in France had the patronage 
 of a small office, the salary of which though far from 
 being considerable, formed yet an object of umbitioa
 
 334 A HOME THRUST. 
 
 to apooryouna; fellow destitute of employment. To 
 obtain this office he applied to an acquaintance, 
 whose name was M. Deville, and who pretended to 
 have some influence with the nobleman in question. 
 The business was readily undertaken by M. Deville, 
 ■who promised to procure for his friend an introduc- 
 tion to the Duke^ But the performance of this pro- 
 mise was dilatory in the extreme, and our young 
 candidate's purse and his patience was nearly ex- 
 hausted. In this dilemma he resolved to do that for 
 himself which he was tired of expecting from the 
 friendship of his acquaintance. Seeing the Duke 
 one day walking in the Mall, he suddenly stepped 
 behind him, and familiarly slapped him on the 
 shoulder, with the exclamation of " Ah ! how do you 
 do, my old friend ?" The Duke turned round with 
 astonishment, when his cunning intruder assuming 
 all the marks of embarrassment and confusion on 
 his countenamce, begged pardon for his mistake. 
 " I took you, sir, (said he) for M. Deville, whom 1 
 have been looking for all over the Mail, as he has 
 promised to introduce me to his highness the duke 
 this day — a favour I have been expecting every day 
 for nearly a month." 
 
 The nobleman smiled at the seeming singularity 
 of the adventure and said " Pray what may be your 
 business with his highness — because I think I pos- 
 sess some influence." The young man explained 
 his views and his wishes, producing at the same 
 time testimonials of his character and abilities. 
 Great men are generally fond of such adventures, 
 and this one ended to the satisfaction of both par- 
 ties. The young man obtained the situation, and 
 fulfilled the duties of it with skill and the strictest 
 ...tagrky. 
 
 A home thrust. 
 A farmer who had marri^:d a rich wife, after ha-
 
 punster's narrative. 335 
 
 ▼mg promised another of meaner circumstances, was 
 endeavouring to palliate his conduct, when he was 
 interrupted by the vicar, who told him it was so very 
 wrong, thathe really did not know anything like it. 
 " But I do," answered the farmer. " It is like your 
 taking a poor living at first, and leaving it for a 
 richer as soon as ever it fell in your way." The vicar 
 was mute. 
 
 A punster's narrative. 
 
 My name is Somerset. 1 am a wretched man — not 
 because I am a bachelor, though I havebeen crossed 
 in love; for how could I hope to prevail on a young 
 lady, with any sense of delicacy to turn a Somerset : 
 — no, gentle reader, it is not that, but because 1 am 
 cursed with a quality which many would be glad to 
 posspss. 1 can make a pun with such facility, that 
 one frequently slips out of my mouth in spite of my 
 teeth. 
 
 Unfortunately I began the practice when very 
 young, and I fear I shall not be able to relinquish it 
 when I am old, though I know it to be bad-in-a^e. 
 At first I indulged myself at the expense of mypitr- 
 Hcular friends; — bad policy, I own, to take a liberty 
 with a friend who is -particular. 
 
 As I would apply myself to nothing, my mother 
 feared I should in consequence be a vagabond, and a 
 disgrace to my forefathers ; T replied by telling h( r 
 she ought to be^ ashamed of herself for talking about 
 my four fathers, and that, if she had been an honest 
 woman, I should never have had but one. 
 
 The irregularities of mv youth often gave rise to a 
 lecture from my father: he said I was bringing him 
 to the grare, and 1 recommended him to get up his 
 Latin and Greek, as he would find the dead lan- 
 g'lnues uspful . 
 
 My father died at the age of eighty, (an age at 
 which he was twice /orh- fied against disease) by
 
 356 
 
 OLD MAID S REGISTER, 
 
 falling down in an apoplectic fit in his own gardirn, 
 which I thought was by no means surprising, as he 
 Went out in his slippers. 
 
 On the day of the burial, having a funeral to per- 
 ^orm, I requested a rehearsal of the ceremony, and 
 being reproved by the mute who stood at the door. 
 I called him a black-guard. 1 said I doubted whether 
 my father was not still living, for his countenance 
 was limd. 
 
 The procession started : — nothing particular oc- 
 curred in our way. except that 1 pulled the check- 
 string of the coach I occupied, in Bury Street, and 
 on arriving at the church I remarked that the large 
 window was a much more paneful sight than the 
 rooP'-ners. When the clergyman began to read with 
 a slow voice 1 bid him make haste, or he wouldn't 
 get through the service till the mourning was over. 
 Two or three gentlemen, to whom my father had left 
 legacies, and who were assuming particularly dole- 
 ful aspects, eyed me, as if they thought that what I 
 said was intended for them. 
 
 Time went on, andbeing left without the means of 
 Bupport, I advertised to give lessons in writing, 
 thinking 1 should then be snre to flourish. My 
 speculation failed, and was soon pressed into the 
 Fleet, where now your humble servant resides ! 
 
 Tlie Old Maid's register. 
 At 15 years she is anxions for coming out, and to 
 obtain the attentions of men. 
 
 16. Begins to hare some idea of the tender pas- 
 sion. 
 
 17. Talks of love in a cottage, and disinti rested 
 aflFection. 
 
 18. Fancies herself in love with some man who 
 has flattered her. 
 
 19. Is a little more diffident, in eonsequenee of 
 being noticed.
 
 OLD MAID S RECrSTER. S.jT 
 
 20. Commences fashionable, and has a taste for 
 tbshiag. 
 
 21. Acquires more confidence in h^r ou-n attrac- 
 tions, and expects a brilliant eslahrsbment. 
 
 22. Refuses a good offer, because the gentleman 
 IS not a man of fashion. 
 
 23. Xo objection to flirt with any well-behaved 
 gentleman. 
 
 24. Begins to wonder she is not married. 
 
 25. Becomes rather more circumspect in her con- 
 duct. 
 
 26. Begins to think a large fortune not quite so in- 
 dispensable. 
 
 27. Affects to prefer the company of rational men . 
 
 28. Wishes to be married in a quiet way, with a 
 comfortable income. 
 
 29. Almost despairs of ever entering ihc married 
 state. 
 
 30. Betrays a great dread of being called an old 
 maid. 
 
 31. An additional attention to dress is nowmani 
 fcsted. 
 
 32. Professes to dislike balls, finding it difficult to 
 get good partners. 
 
 33. Wonders how men can neglect the society of 
 sedate, amiable woman, to flirt with chits. 
 
 34. Affects good humour in her conversation with 
 men. 
 
 35. Too jealous of the praises of women, more at 
 this period than any other. 
 
 36. Quarrela with her friend who has lately been 
 married. 
 
 37. Imagines herself slighted in society. 
 
 3S. Likes talking of her acquaintances who are 
 married unfortunately, and finds consolation in their 
 misfortunes. 
 
 39. Ill-nature visibly increasos. 
 
 40. Becomes meddling and officioua
 
 338 DUTCH PARSIMOWY, 
 
 41. If rich, makea love to a yonng man without 
 fortune. 
 
 42. Not succeeding, rails eternally against ta« 
 whole sex. 
 
 43. A partiality for cards and scandal. 
 
 44. Too severe against the manners of the age. 
 
 45. Exhibits a strong predilection for a Metho- 
 dist parson. 
 
 46. Enraged at his desertion, and accuses the 
 whole sex of inconstancy. 
 
 47. Becomes desponding, and takes snuff. 
 
 48. Attunes her sensibility to dogs and cats, 
 
 49. Adopts a dependant relation to attend her 
 menagprie. 
 
 50. Becomes disgusted with the world, and vents 
 her humour on her unfortunate keeper of animals. 
 
 Landlords and tenants. 
 
 Says his landlord to Thomas, "Your rent I must 
 raise, 
 I'm so plaguilv pinch'dfor the pelf" 
 " Raise my rent I" replies Thomas, " your Honour's 
 main good — 
 " For I never can raise it myself T 
 
 Dutch farsimony. 
 
 A German clergvinan, who latelv travelled in 
 Holland and England for the purpose of raising 
 contributions for the support of his impoverishtd 
 church, relates the following highly characteristic 
 an^cdnto : — 
 
 .A Dutch n'.erchant verv readily presented him 
 With fifty florins : but, perceiving that he at the 
 same time cast a rueful glance at the canvas batj 
 which contained the money, the clergyman said — 
 '•■ I shall send you the batr back again." " I thank 
 you sincerely, (said the Hollander, with a smile of 
 satisfaction,) do so, if you please; bags are very 
 wcarce."
 
 BACKGAMMON BOARDS. 33S 
 
 Ociih'sfs and Puliticians. 
 Sir William Adams, the great oculist, one day ob- 
 feervirg to a gentleman that he sometimes treated on 
 political subjects, and that It would perhaps be 
 thought odd that an eye-doctor should be a politi- 
 cian. " Pardon me, Sir "William, (said his friend) I 
 think the very reverse ; for vou must naturally be 
 expected to see more clearly than other men." 
 
 Backgammon boards. 
 We frequently see backgammon boards with backs 
 lettered as if they were two folio volumes. The ori- 
 gin of it was this : — Eudes, Bishop of Sully, forbade 
 his clergy to play at chess. As the-y were resolved 
 not to obey the commandment, and yet dared not 
 have a chess-board seen in their houses or cloisters, 
 they had them bound and lettered as books, and 
 played at night before they went to bed instead of 
 reading the New Testament, or the Lives of the 
 Saints ; and the monks called the draught or chess 
 board their wooden gospels They had also drink- 
 ing vessels bound to resemble the breviarv, and 
 were often found drinking, when it was supposed 
 they -were at prayer. 
 
 Striking a balance. 
 A chimney-sweeper's boy went into abaker'sshop 
 for a two-penny loaf, and conceiving it te be diminu- 
 tive in size, remarked to the baker that he did not 
 believe it was weight. "Nevermind that, (replied 
 the man of dough) you will have the less to carry." 
 " True !" replied the lad ; and throwing three half- 
 pence on the counter, left the shop. The baker 
 called lustily after him. that he had not left money 
 fenough. " Never mind that (said young sooty) 
 you will have the less to count." 
 P
 
 3^.0 GAINING A MONTH. 
 
 Philoso2)hy. 
 
 *Tis in rain to regret a misfortune when 'tia past 
 retrieving, but few have philosophy or strength 
 enough to practise it. 
 
 A famous physician ventvired five thousand gui- 
 neas upon the South Sea project. When he was in- 
 formed at Garraway's that 'twas all lost, he coolly 
 replied — *' Well, 'tis but going up fivethousand pair 
 of stairs more." This answer richly deserved a sta- 
 tue. 
 
 Gaining a month. 
 May is considered by the superstitious as an un- 
 lucky month to marry, or, as the Scotch say, uncan- 
 nie. A lady who was courted in April being soli- 
 cited by her lover to name the day in the following 
 month for the wedding, replied that May was an un- 
 fortunate month; and being asked to name it in 
 June, archly asked if April would not suit just as 
 well ? 
 
 Eccentric verdict. 
 A young lady in Washington, America, having 
 committed suicide in a fit of love frenzy, the coro- 
 ner's jury brought in the following verdict — " Died 
 by the visitation of Cupid." 
 
 Sno wbalVs rebuke. 
 A black man proceeding along one of the fashion- 
 able streets at the West end of the town, was saluted 
 with the sound of " How d'ye do, blackee ? how 
 d'ye do, snow-ball?" He turned round in anger, 
 but on perceiving the parrot he said, " Ah, ha, you 
 rogue. You grow bery rich now, have a fine golden 
 bouse of yourown, and insult poor man ; but I know 
 'onr fader when he lived in a bush — mind dat, and 
 keep oivU; tonguj."
 
 JACK KETCH IS TROUBLE. 341 
 
 Sir Joshua Reipiolds and the jncture dealer. 
 
 " What do you ask for this sketch ? " said Sir Jo- 
 shua to an old picture-dealer, whose portfolio he 
 •was looking over. " Twenty guineas, your honour." 
 " Twenty pence, I supposeyou mean 1" " No, sir; 
 it is true I would have taken twentypence for it this 
 morning, but if you think it worth looking at, all the 
 world will think it worth buying." Sir Joshua 
 ordered him to send the sketch home, and gave him 
 the money. 
 
 Jack Ketch in trouble. 
 Some years ago this worthy was arraigned at the 
 bar of the Old Bailey, and in his defence he pleaded 
 the badness of the times. He was asked by a friend 
 why he didn't employ counsel. " Counsel ! (cried 
 he) why them are the werry fellows wot ruin my bu- 
 siness. Many and many a good custamer they cheai 
 me out of." 
 
 A premature promise. 
 A French gentleman, apprehending himself on 
 his death-bed, earnestly entreated his young wife not 
 to marry a young ofEcer, of whom he had been j ea- 
 lotis. " My dear, (said she) do not distress yourself 
 — I have given my promise to another a very long 
 time ago." 
 
 Curious epitaph. 
 My grandfather was buried here, 
 My cousin Jane and two uncles dear; 
 3Iy father perished with mortification in his thighs, 
 My sister dropp'd down dead in the Minories. 
 But the reason why I'm here interr'd, according to 
 my thinking, 
 
 to my good living and hard drinking.
 
 342 ANECDOTE. 
 
 If therefore, good Christians, you wish to live long, 
 Don't drink too much wine, brandy, gin, or any- 
 thing strong. 
 
 Nine lives. 
 
 A silly countryman hearing it remarked that a 
 neighbouring ecclesiastic had no fewer than nine 
 livings, exclaimed — " Dang it ! I suppose be is like 
 an old witch's cat— has got nine lives to enjoy them 
 all." 
 
 Anecdote of a Farmer. 
 
 A Yorkshire farmer having been in difl&culties re- 
 Bpectingabarn which belonged to him, and which 
 was considered by a body of parishioners to have 
 been forfeited, resolved to go to London for the ad- 
 vice of acivilian. 
 
 Uyon arriving in the metropolis he went to Doc- 
 ters' Commons ; where, meeting a civilian, he said 
 — "Pray, sir, are you a civil man? because if you 
 be, I am come to instdt you." The civilian took him 
 to his office, and after hearing his case, told him 
 " that in the eye of the law the barn was forfeited, 
 but if his landlord wvs not an austere man, to off"er 
 him an equivalent — to get two arbitrators and an 
 umpire, and to put the matter in a train of conclu- 
 sion." "Thank you vastly," said the farmer, and 
 after paying the lawyer his fee, he returned into 
 Yorkshire; where, collecting the parishioners, he 
 informed them •' that he had seen the learned man, 
 who said as how my barn was mortified, but if my 
 landlard be not an oyster man, I am to give him an 
 elephant, and to get two fornicators and a trumpeter 
 io put the matter in a strain of confusion." 
 
 Brother collectors. 
 A highwayman lately robbed a collector of excise
 
 PRODIGIOUS. 343 
 
 IB Ireland. Upon being remonstrated with by the 
 man of excise, the highwayman said — " Why, you 
 know, it matters not — you must be aware that we 
 are brother collectors." 
 
 Did you never see an auld wife he/ore ? 
 
 An old Scotchwoman, enveloped in a red cloak, 
 having passed the border, happened to stray into an 
 episcopal place of worship at the moment that the 
 reader was repeating from the Litany the ejaculation 
 of" Lord have mercy upon us !" Hearing this re- 
 peated twice or thrice by the reader and clerk as she 
 advanced up the aisle, the poor woman took offence, 
 imagining that it was an expression of surprise at 
 her appearance there. When it was repeated the 
 third time, she could refrain no longer, but, turning 
 with much contempt to the speaker, cried out, " Ah, 
 Lord have mercy on you, too ! Did you never aee 
 an auld wife with a red cloak about her before?" 
 
 Prodigious. 
 An American, expatiating on the merits of a cer- 
 tain severe colt belonging to that cute Yankee, Uncle 
 Ben, relates, as a proof of the animal's agility, that 
 it was once chased several times round the circuit ol 
 a meadow by a flash of lightning, and that the 
 lightning could not come within a rod of the colt ! 
 
 A soldier's wife. 
 The late Duchess of York having desired her 
 housekeeper to seek out for a new laundress, a de- 
 cent-looking woman was recommended to the situa- 
 tion. " But, (said the housekeeper) I am afraid she 
 will not suit your royal highness, as she is a sol- 
 dier's wife, and these people are generally loose 
 characters." " What is that you say, (said the 
 Duke, who had just entered the room.) A soldier's
 
 344 HINDOO COMPLIMENT. 
 
 wife ! Pray, madam, ivhat is your mistress f" I de- 
 sire that the woman may be immediately engaged." 
 
 Heir to the Crovm. 
 
 It is gravely related by a French author, that in 
 England, during the reign o f Edward the Fourth, a 
 merchant of London, who had the Crown for his 
 sign, having publicly said — " My son is heir to the 
 Crown !" was condemned to dei th, as guilty of high 
 treason. 
 
 Hindoo compliment. 
 When a Hindoo domestic receives a favour from 
 his master, he has a curious way of expressing his 
 gratitude. Present him a new turban, or befriend 
 him in distress, and he exclaims with peculiar em- 
 phasis, " My lord, you are my father and motJier." 
 
 A Medical confession, 
 Frankly delivered by that eminent physician and 
 wit, Sir Samuel Garth, has been fortunately pre- 
 served ; perhaps the truth it reveals is as conspicu- 
 ous as it's humour. Dr. Garth, who was one of the 
 Kit-Kat Club, coming there one night, declared he 
 must soon be gone, having many patients to attend; 
 but, some good wine being produced, he forgot 
 them. When Sir Richard Steele reminded him of 
 his appointments, Garth immediately pulled outhis 
 list, which amounted to fifteen, and said with the 
 most perfect nonchalance imaginable — " It is no 
 very great matter whether I see them to-night or 
 not, for nine of them have such bad constitutions, 
 that all the physicians in the world can't save them, 
 and the other six have such remarkably good con- 
 stitutions, that all the physicians in the world can't 
 kill them." To how many casea this will ayply the 
 reader may readily judge.
 
 soLiiOQuy. 345 
 
 Punishment of the Stocks. 
 
 Lord Camden, when cbief justice, was upon a visit 
 to LordDacre, at Alvely in Essex, and had walked 
 out with a gentleman — a very absent man — to a hill 
 at no great distance from the house, upon the top 
 of which stood the stocks of the village ; he sat upon 
 them, and after a while, having a mind to know what 
 the punishment was, he asked his companion to 
 open them and put him in, which being done, his- 
 friend took a book from his pocket and sauntering- 
 un, completely forgot the judge and his situation 
 until he returned to Lord Dacre's. When the judge 
 was tired he tried, but tried in vain, to remove out 
 of the stocks ; and asked a countryman who passed 
 by to release him, who said— "No, no, old gentle- 
 man ; you was not set there for nothing ;" and left 
 him, until he was seen and released by some ser- 
 vant of the house despatched in quest of him. Some 
 time after he presided at atrial in which a charge 
 was brought against a magistrate for false imprison- 
 ment, and for setting in the stocks. The counsel 
 for the magistrate, in his reply, made light of the 
 whole charge, and more especially setting in the 
 stocks, which he said every body knew was no pu- 
 nishment at all, The chief justice rose, and lean- 
 ing over the bench, said in a half whisper — " Bro- 
 ther, were you ever in the stocks?" "Really, my 
 lord, never." "Then 1 have, (said the judge) and 
 I assure you it is not the trifle you are endeavouring 
 to represent it." 
 
 Soliloquy. 
 
 A person In company said in a violent passion to 
 another — " You are a liar and a scoundrel!" The 
 other with great composure turned to the company 
 and said — " You must not mind what he says ; be 
 was only talking to himself."
 
 346 MISS QUINCE AND THE DRAPER. 
 
 The Scotchman and his vHves. 
 A poor person residing in Greenock, lately applied 
 to the magistrate to have two of his children admit- 
 ted on the poor's roll "How many have you?" 
 asked the worthy baillie. " Five-and-twenty, sir," 
 replied the petitioner. " Five-and-twenty ! (re- 
 echoed the baillie) and all by one wife ?" " Oh no, 
 sir, (replied the poor man,) 1 am just now wearing 
 the fourth." 
 
 Mtss Quince and the Draper. 
 A draper in great London town, 
 
 Whose name 1 can't reveal, 
 Was rich above Dame Fortune's frown, 
 
 And quite genteel. 
 His head he'd cause to hold up high, 
 
 For, plac'd beyond all care, 
 He thrived in trade — was one of the livery — 
 
 And look'd to be Lord Mayor. 
 Now, being a liveryman, 
 
 He kept a little boy, 
 
 f Depend on't what I say is true,) 
 
 \^ ho, when the dirty woik was done, 
 
 About the house would nimbly run, 
 
 Drest up in livery too. 
 And not content, it seems, with this his pride, 
 He kept a horse at livery beafde. 
 
 Among the worthy linen-draper's shopmen, 
 
 Was one who drest 
 
 By far the best 
 Of all — in fact he was a tip-top man. 
 His name was Jones. It happened one day 
 
 A lady, genteel and slim, 
 
 Was serv'd by him — 
 Tlie pretty Miss Quince — 
 His heart was gone, so the following Sunday 
 
 He discover'd where she dwelt
 
 MISS QUINCR AND THE DRAPER. 347 
 
 Told her all he felt. 
 And they kept company ever since. 
 
 Mr. Jones, like all in his condition, 
 
 Had in his composition 
 
 Plenty of ambition, 
 And knowing that a horse would run much faster 
 Than a man, 
 Devis'd a plan 
 By which he might look just like his master : 
 
 In short, he hired a. sJiay, 
 
 To go to Windsor for the day, 
 To see the Castle, the Queen, and all the race 
 Of genteel folks, who walk on the terrace. 
 
 The much-anticipated Sunday morning came, 
 Miss Quince got in — he took the reins in hand — 
 The horse seem'd sleepy — more inclined to stand 
 Still than be jogging, 
 However, by a little flogging, 
 He started, and then they look'd quite grand. 
 The horse, a sorry Rosinante or Dobbin — 
 
 The pace he went the wheels but follow'd round 
 slow, 
 So after three hoursunpleasant bobbing 
 Up and down, they got to Hounslow. 
 There they alighted^— and while the horst did peck 
 
 fast 
 Of corn, they enjoy'd the breakfast. 
 
 '• Miss Quince, (said he) oh do look there, now, 
 Miss — 
 In all the time that we have been acquainted 
 "We haven't seen not such a scene as this : 
 
 Upon my word it's very rural — an't it ?" 
 " Look at the pigs and ducks, and cocks and hens, 
 And see those pretty lambs, (said she) in yon»Iv-x 
 pens." p 3
 
 348 MISS QUINCE AND THE DRAPBB. 
 
 He rang the bell—" Waiter, bring the bill " 
 " Sir, (replied the waiter) that I will." 
 The breakfast half a-crown a piece. 
 It seem'd too much, 
 For really such 
 Was Miss Quince's gentility, 
 She never took, at most, 
 More than one bit of toast, 
 Though to eat a dozen she had capability. 
 Mister Jones paid the bill — rather crabby — 
 But nothing said, for fear of looking shabby. 
 
 Then on to Windsor town they trot — 
 
 (I own not very fast) 
 And, wearing out the whip, they got 
 
 To Windsor town, at last. 
 
 Arm in arm their course they bent 
 To look about the towii. 
 And have a view 
 Of the castle too — 
 Meantime the horse into the stable went, 
 Andbeing knock'd up, laid down. 
 
 What they saw 1 cannot tell exact — 
 I suppose they saw everything : 
 
 i mean, in fact. 
 Every object worthy being seen. 
 So, having notic'd all well worth the view, 
 Said he, " Miss Quince,! incline 
 To think we'd better dine; 
 Odear! how sweet you smell of mu«k 
 Dinner over — 'twill begetting dusk, 
 So I'll order the horse to be put to." 
 
 'Twas said — 'twas done— dinner clear'd away — 
 Bill paid — horse put in the shay — 
 
 They mounted — but the horse, whip scorning, 
 Started off, as much as to say, 
 
 I i^ad enoiigh of that sort in the morning.
 
 A GIPSEY PARTY. 349 
 
 ITg rattled, over Brentford's noisy stonfs ; 
 A nd if the whip did but attempt to flog, 
 He started like a race-horse ! 
 
 " Ha, ha !" said Mr. Jones, 
 " He knows he's going home, the cunning dog !" 
 
 In less than two hours time, he ran so hard, 
 He was snug within the livery stable yard — 
 Jones got down — help'd Miss Quince likewise. 
 The livery stable-keeper brought a light — 
 No sooner of the beast he had a sight, 
 Than, starting back, he hallowed with surprise : 
 " You are not fit of a horse to have thft care: 
 The horse you had was black — this is white ; 
 My horse was ahorse, but this is a mare !" 
 
 A gipsey party. 
 
 I do not know what imp of mischief could have 
 put such a fancy into the dreaming head of Mrs. 
 Carnaby, except Puck — but on a fine morning in 
 August she woke with a determination to get up a 
 gipsey party, and have a day's pleasure — 
 " Under the greenwood tree." 
 She opened her mind, therefore, to Mr. Carnaby as 
 soon as he had opened his eyes, and before breakfast 
 they had. arranged the whole affair. 
 
 Hornsey Wood was stale, and Norwood was re- 
 jected, for the very paradoxical reason that it was 
 such a haunt for g'lpseys ; and Mrs. Carnaby meant 
 to take even her youngest children. After a good 
 deal of debating, Hainault was the forest fixed upon 
 — it lay so handy to Whitechapel, and the red letter 
 day was marked to be the Wednesday in the follow- 
 ing week, because then Master Carnaby would lose 
 only halfa day's schooling. 
 
 Accordingly, on the Wednesday, the Dryads of 
 Wanstead were startled by the rumble af a well-la- 
 dcu taxed cart up that avenue which once led to a
 
 350 A GIPSEY PARTY. 
 
 princely mansion : and the vehicle at last stopped, 
 and set down its insides and outsides just where the 
 linesof trees branch off into another verdant alley. 
 '* It was (Mrs. Carnaby remarked) a delicious green 
 spot, and very handy to the Green Man for getting 
 porter." 
 
 Mrs. Carnaby was assisted out of the cart, and 
 then M ss C. was lifted out by Mr. Hodges, and then 
 the children were lifted out by the mother, and then 
 the nursemaid — an awkward plain-looking girl that 
 nobody helped — tumbled out. In the meantime, 
 Master C. jumped out, all agog after blackberrying 
 and bird's-nesting, and had swarmed half up a tree 
 before his mother's vigilance discovered that he was 
 tearing his best tiowsers, and had his best clothes 
 on. This was a bad setting out for the boy, and the 
 horse was not better, for directly he got out of har- 
 ness, and felt himself free and at grass, after two or 
 three preliminary kicks and plunges it occurred to 
 him to indulge in aroU.^nd so he rolled over a pi- 
 geon pie that was unfortunately unpacked, and fi- 
 nished by getting very much up with his fore-lega 
 in a basket of ginger beer. But it was only a mO" 
 ment of enthusiasm, and like other nags, he betook 
 himself to eating his green grass salad as gravely as 
 ajudge. 
 
 None of the performers were fortunate in theirde- 
 hit. The first thing Mrs. Carnaby did in her hurry 
 o save the pop, was to pop down one of the children 
 on the basket of knives and forks — but it was a sharp 
 child and soon got up again ; and the first thing the 
 other twin di-^l was to trip orer a stump and fall, as 
 Betty nursemaid said, " with its face in a.fuz." The 
 first thins Mr. Hodges did, was to take Miss Carna- 
 by round the waist and give her a smacking kiss. in 
 return for which she gave him a playfnl push iRat 
 sent him, with his white ducks, into a muddy minia- 
 ture pond, tha« had recently been stirred up by a
 
 A OIPSEY PARTY. 351 
 
 a cow in search of a cold bath. The first thing that 
 Mr. Carnaby did was to recommend jsome brandy as 
 a preventive against catching cold; but the last 
 thing the brandy bottle had done had been to stay at 
 home in the cupoaard. Mr. Hodges, therefore, 
 walked off to the Green Man for his health's sske ; 
 and Master Carnaby sneaked off — nobody knew 
 where — for the sake of the blackberries — while the 
 nursemaid, for the sake of society, took a long and 
 romantic walk with the two twins and a strange 
 footman. 
 
 It must be borne in mind that gipseys are a wan- 
 dering race, therefore it was necessary that all the 
 performers should act their parts. The very horse 
 roamed away like a horse that had neither parish or 
 settlement; and Mr. Carnaby would have gone 
 roaming after him, if his wife and daughter had not 
 hung round his neck and made him swear not to 
 leave them until the others returned, which was af- 
 terwards softened down to taking a little walk, pro- 
 vided he didn'tgo out of sight and hearing. In the 
 meautime Mrs. and Miss C. laidthe cloth andbegan 
 to review the eatables, not without lamenting over 
 the smash of the pigeon pie ; and when they came 
 to plan their second course they found that the chief 
 remore, a cold round of beef, had been pinned on 
 the way down by a favourite bull-dog that Master 
 Carnaby had smuggled into the party. Luckily for 
 the dog, he had also gone roving, with the whole 
 forest before him, as nat'^-ally as if he hadbelonged 
 to the renowned Bamfylde Moore Carew, the King of 
 the Gipseys. 
 
 Mrs. Carnaby was one of those characters empha- 
 tically called fidgets ; she never rested till each in- 
 dividual CBme bask, and she never restedwhen they 
 did. Mr. C. was the first to return, and not in the 
 first of tempers. He had been done out of his long 
 anticipated rural walk by settintj liis foot befove he:
 
 352 A GIPSEY PARTY. 
 
 had gone an hundred yards, on a yard of snake, and 
 it had frightened him so, that Mrs. Carnaby expect- 
 ed it " would turn his whole mash of blood, and give 
 him the yellow jarif/ers." 
 
 Mr. Hodges came in second, but to the impatient 
 eye of Miss C. certainly did not proceed from the 
 Green Man with the straightness of a bullet from a 
 rifle. Master Camaby was a good third, for he had 
 been well horsewhipped, just as he had got three lit- 
 tlered blackberries and five thorns in his fingers, by 
 a gentleman who did not approve of his trespassing 
 upon his grounds. Boxer, the bull- dog, was fourth 
 he came back on three legs, with his brindle well 
 peppered with number six by the gamekeeper, to 
 cure him of worrying park rnbbils. In fact, poor 
 Boxer, as Mrs. C. exclaimed, was '• bleeding like a 
 pig," and the grateful animal acknowledged her 
 compassionate notice by going and rubbing his shot 
 hide against her shot silk — in return for which he 
 got a blow quite hard euough to shiver the stick of 
 an umbrella. *• - 
 
 As for the nursemaid and the twins, they did not 
 return for an hour, to the infinite horror of the mo- 
 ther : but just as they were all sitting down to din- 
 ner Betsey appeared with her charge, walked quite 
 off their feet, with their pretty mouths all besmeared 
 w ith blue and red juice, but no one of the party was 
 botanist enough to tell whether the berries they 
 were munching were hips and haws, or bilberries, 
 or deadly nightshade, but maternal anxiety made 
 sure It was ra7i/ipjson. 
 
 In this dilemma no time was to be lost — dinner 
 was postponed, and they set to work to get up an 
 extempore fire to make the kettle hot, and as soon 
 as the water was warm enough the two preity babes 
 were well drenched, and were soon as perfectly un- 
 comfortable as they had been two months before in 
 a rough steam trip to Margate.
 
 A GiPSEY Party. 353 
 
 A» soon as peace was r'^stored it transpired, from 
 an examination of the childreu, and a very cross- 
 examination of the nursemaid, that they had met 
 with a real gipsey woman in the forest who had told 
 Betty's fortune, but had omitted to prognosticate 
 ihat her mistress would give her warning on the 
 spot, and that /lergipseying would end, as it actually 
 did, in finding herself suddenly out of place in the 
 middle of a forest. 
 
 Dinner time then came again, to the especial de- 
 light of the two empty children — though, thanks to 
 the horse and dog, it was principally broken victuals. 
 On sitting down and counting heads it was found 
 that Master Carnaby had absconded during the bus- 
 tle. Mr. C. was obliged to set out fasting to look 
 for him, and soon had the satisfaction of finding 
 him sitting hat-less crying in a wet ditch, and scra- 
 ping a suit of brown off a suit of blue with an old 
 oyster shell. His father gave him what the boys 
 call a regular larrupping, then a t^ood rubbing down 
 ■with a bunch of fern, and then brought him back to 
 the cold collation, with the threat that he should go 
 without his dinner. 
 
 As soon as the culprit could explain for sobbing, 
 he told them that " he had gone for a little walk, 
 like, and saw the most capital donkey with a saddle 
 and bridle feeding wild about the forest — that he 
 just got on him likethey used to do at Margate, and 
 then the donkey set off full tear till he came to a 
 tent of gypseys in the middle of the wood ; and they 
 all set upon him for running away with their don- 
 key : and then all of a sudden he lost his hat andhis 
 handkerchief, and his money out of his pockets : they 
 then told him to run for his life — and so he did — 
 and as for the mnd, it was all along of jumping over 
 a hedge that had no other side to it." 
 
 This intelligence threw Mrs. Carnaby into an 
 agony of horror, which could only be pacified by
 
 354 A GIPSEY PARTT. 
 
 their immediately packing up and removing to a lest 
 lonesomeplaceby the side of the road — an operation 
 that was performed by their all pulling and pushing 
 at the cart, as the horse had taken French leave 
 of aosence. 
 
 It was now Miss Carnaby'sturn to be discomfited. 
 Her retiring disposition made her wince under the 
 idea of dining in public; for being market-day at 
 Romfovd, they were overlooked by plenty of farmers 
 and pig-butchers; consequently the young lady took 
 herself off to a place of more solitude, and her swain 
 — as in duty bound — postponed his dinner till his 
 tea to keep her in company. 
 
 At this moment Betsy — who had been sent up to 
 the Green Man for porter, returned with the empty 
 tankard, and a terrified tale of being " cotched hold 
 on by a ruffin in the wood, that had drunk up all 
 the beer, without ceremony, to all their very good 
 healths." 
 
 The first impulse of Mr. Carnaby was to jump up 
 to do justice on the vagabond, but Mrs. C. had the 
 presence of mind to catch hold of his coat-flaps so 
 abruptly, that before he could feel his legs, he found 
 himself sitting in a large plum pie, which the chil- 
 dren had just set their hearts upon. Of course it 
 did not mend his temper to hear the shout from a 
 dozen ragged boys who were looking on. 
 
 Miss Carnaby now hastily entered, and having sal 
 herself down, went off into a strong fit of what her 
 mother called kicking hysterics. The cause was soon 
 explained by the appearance of Mr. Hodges, with 
 one eye poached black, and a dog-bite in the calf of 
 his leg, because " he had only stood looking on at 
 two men setting wires for rabbits, thinking to him- 
 self if he watched them well he could learn how to 
 do it." 
 
 Mrs. Carnaby now resolved to take tea. Sticks 
 wero collected, a fire was made, the kettle boiled, the
 
 A courtier's Booy. 355 
 
 tea things were set in order, the bread and butter 
 was cut, and pleasure began to smile on the gipsev 
 party. But. alas I "there is many a slip between 
 the cupand the lip." Mrs. Carnaby was in the tri- 
 umphant act of pouring the hot water on her best 
 souchons, in her best china tea-pet, when a well- 
 charged gun went off just on the other side of the 
 park palings — the shock caused the tea kettle to drop 
 from her hand upon the tea-pot, which it dashed to 
 atoms, and then lay on its side, hot w&tering the 
 daisies and the dandelions that had the luck to grow 
 near it. " Misfortunes nerer come single," — the 
 gun acted like a double one in its inflictions; for 
 no sooner did Boxer recognize its sound than he 
 jumped up, and with an alarming howl dashed 
 through the rest of the tea service, as if he had again 
 been shot. 
 
 A fresh shout from the bystanders welcomed this 
 new disaster, and with the true spirit of " biting a 
 bitten cur," they began to heap embarrassments on 
 the disconcerted gipseyers. They kept patching 
 sticks into the fire till it grew a bonfire, and made 
 cockshies of the remaining crockery : some audaci- 
 ous boys even helped themselves to bread and but- 
 ter, as if on the principle that the open air ought to 
 keep open house. As there were too many assail- 
 ants to chastise, the onlv remedy was to pack up and 
 take to the road as fast as they could, with a horse 
 which they found with two broken knees, the con- 
 sequence of his being too curious in prying into the 
 construction of a gravel-pit. "You may say what 
 you like, (faid Mr. Carnaby in his summing up,) 
 but for my part I must say of gipseying, that it is 
 impossible to take to it without being regularly 
 dene brown." 
 
 A courtier's boon. 
 A courtier being very ill, and overcharged with
 
 35ti FRENCH DEXTERITY. 
 
 debts, said to his confessor that the only mercy ho 
 had to ask of God was, to prolong his life till he had 
 paid hia creditors. The confessor answered, that 
 the motive was so good, there was great room to hope 
 God would hear his prayer. *' If God would grant 
 me this n:ercy. (said the sick man, turning to one of 
 his friends) t should never die /** 
 
 Appropriate names. 
 A celebrated wit, in a merry mood, invented anew 
 set cf names to the months, beginning with April. 
 They ran thns — 
 
 Spring — Showery, Flowery, Bowery. 
 Summer — Hoppy, Croppy, Poppy. 
 Autumn — Wheezy, Sneezy, Freezy. 
 Winter — Slippy, Drippy, Nippy. 
 
 French dexterity. 
 A maimed tar hearing some people talking of the 
 dexterity and alertness of the French, observed, that 
 he would admit that they were very clever, " for, 
 (said he) they have made me a foot shorter without 
 taking anything fiom my height." 
 
 JDvtch discovery. 
 A young woman of Dublin, who was apprehensive 
 of some unhappy eifectsfrom an illicit amour which 
 ehe had for some time carried on with a Dutch sai- 
 lor, mentioned her situation to a friend of her's,who 
 advised her to place her embryo offspring to the ac- 
 count of her master, as being the richer man of the 
 two. •• 1 was thinking of that, (replied the fair one) 
 but then, you know, the child will discover all when 
 it begins to speak Dutch." 
 
 Spurred on to it. 
 A A'entlemon was lately defending cock-fighting
 
 BOARD AND LODGiWS, 357 
 
 agJMflit cruelty, saying it was their nature. •■ At 
 least; (replied his opponent) you must confess they 
 are spurred on to it." 
 
 Luggage and baggage. 
 Travellers should be careful to deliver their lug- 
 gage to proper persons, as a gentleman, a few days 
 since, on alighting from a stage-coach, entrusted his 
 wife to a stranger, aud has not heard of her since. 
 For " Luggage' read " baggage " 
 
 Board and lodging. 
 A gentleman, who lately lodged at thehouse of a 
 carpenter, wanting a piece of wood for some pur- 
 pose, went into his landlord's shop, and took up such 
 a piece as he thought would answer, which the car- 
 penter perceiving, gruflBy observed, that for the sum 
 he received for his room, he could not afford to find 
 the gentleman both in board and lodging." 
 
 A field officer. 
 
 A crimp, who thought to inveigle a poor shepherd 
 to enlist, with the stale promise of making him a 
 Serjeant, was archly answered by the latter, that "he 
 was already d^ field officer." 
 
 Born naked. 
 
 The celebrated Jack Spencer once undertook to 
 drive a coach through the Strand in a state of nu- 
 dity. He was taken into custody and carried beforo 
 a niagistrate, who asked how he could think of out- 
 raging decency by appearing naked in public? 
 " Naked! (exclaimed the wag) why,Iu-as bomso .'" 
 
 A vcolfin slieep's cloihng. 
 A young lady, named Wolf, being married to n
 
 358 THE YORKSHIRE FARMER. 
 
 gentleman named Lamb, soon evincing a very avari- 
 cious and tyrannical spirit, thehiisband said, " I see 
 you are a Wolf stiW, though you are dressed in sheep's 
 clothing." 
 
 The Yorkshire farmer. 
 A counsel in the Common Pleas, 
 
 Who was esteemed a mighty wit, 
 
 Upon the strength of a chance hit, 
 Amid a thousad flippancies. 
 And his occasional bad jokes, 
 
 In bullying, bantering, browbeating, 
 
 Ridiculing and maltreating 
 "Women, or other timid folks. 
 In a late cause resolved to hoax. 
 A clownish Yorkshire farmer — one 
 
 Who bj his uncouth look and gait. 
 
 Appeared expressly meant by Fate, 
 For being quizz'd and played upon ; 
 So having tipp'd the wink to those 
 
 In the back rows, 
 Who kept their laughter bottled down, 
 
 Until our wag should draw the cork — 
 He smiled jocosely on the clown 
 
 Ant] went to work. 
 *' Well, Farmer NumscuU, how go calves at York ?*' 
 
 " "Why, not so as tney do wi' you. 
 
 But on four legs instead of two-' 
 " Officer .'" cried the legal elf — 
 Piqued at the laugh against himself — 
 *' Do pray keep silence down below there. 
 Now look at me clown, and attend- • 
 Have I not seen you somewhere, fnend?*' 
 
 " Yees — very like — I often go there." 
 " Our rustic's waggish — quite laconic." 
 The counsel cried, with grin sardoC'f?«- 
 " I wish I'd known this prodigy. 
 This geniusof the clods, when I 
 
 On circuit was at York residing.
 
 FLYING COLOURS. 339 
 
 Now, farmer, do for once speak true, 
 Mind, you're on oath, so tell me, you 
 Who doubtless think yourself so clever, 
 Are there as many fools as ever 
 
 In the West Riding?" 
 " Why, no, sir, no 1 we've got our share, 
 But not so many as when you were there.' 
 
 A clincher. 
 Captain Brook says the following is the method of 
 catching tigers in India: — A man carries a board 
 on which a human figure is painted. As soon as he 
 arrives at the den, he knocks behind the board with 
 a hammer, the noise suddenly rouses the tiger, when 
 he flies in a direct line at the board and grasps it; 
 and the man behind it clinches his claws into the 
 wood, and so secures him ! 
 
 Flying colours. 
 Two gentlemen were at a coffee-house, when the 
 discourse fell upon Sir Joshua Reynolds's painting, 
 one of them said that " his tints were admirable, but 
 the colours _^eiD." It happened that Sir Joshua wa? 
 in the next box, who taking up his hat, accosted 
 them thus, with a low bow, — " Gentlemen, I return 
 you many thanks for bringing me off wiihjlying co- 
 mirs." 
 
 Spiritual exercise. 
 A poor man, reproving his wife for her bad con- 
 duct, said — " You have done nothing this week past 
 but stroll from one gin shop to another." "Are 
 you not ashamed, (replied his refractory spouse) to 
 call yourself a religious man, and yet scold me for 
 constantly attending my spiritual duties?" 
 
 Ptms. 
 »« I beg yourpardon.sir, (said a gentleman to one
 
 360 LONG BREAKFAST. 
 
 he thought heknew) are not you the noted Ted Wil- 
 kins ?" " Sir, (was the reply) I am no-Ted." 
 
 " That's man's a thief, (said a vrag to his friend, 
 pointing to a reporter seated in a police office.) 
 "Why so?" enquired his friend. " Why, do you 
 not perceire he is taking notes ?" 
 
 A gentleman famous for his talent at "throwing 
 the long bow," was boasting of musical talent. " I 
 know, (said an acquaintance,) yeu can play the 
 liar." (lyre.) 
 
 Long breakfast. 
 A farmer, observing his servant along time at 
 breakfast remarked that he made a very long break- 
 fast. "Measter, (answered the bumpkin) a cheese 
 of this size is not quite so soon eaten as you would 
 think of." 
 
 Rapinness. 
 
 A captain in the navj meeting a friend as he 
 landed at Portsmouth Point, boasted that he had 
 left his whole ship's company the happiest fellows 
 in the world. " How so ?" enquired his friend 
 " Why I have just flogged seventeen, and they are 
 happy it is over ; and all the restarehappy that they 
 have escaped." 
 
 Lawyer'' sh onesty. 
 
 A lawyer of Strasburgh being in a dying state sent 
 for a brother lawyer to make his will, by which he 
 bequeathed his estate to the Hospital for Idiots. The 
 other expressed his surprise at this bequest. "Why 
 not bestow it upon them — (said 'the dying man) — 
 you know I got my money by fools, and therefore to 
 fools it ought to return."
 
 THE DUEL. 361 
 
 Put to one's shifts. 
 
 When the renowned Dr. Samuel Johnson lodged 
 at Kettle Hall, in the University of Oxford, at a 
 Mr. Thompson's, a cabinet-maker, the maid, by an 
 unfortunate mistake, one day brought him a chemise 
 of Mrs Thompson's to put on instead of his own 
 shirt. The Doctor, contemplating on nothing but 
 Ramblers, and Idlers, and colossal dictionaries, 
 shoved his arms, head, and shoulders into the lady's 
 linen before he discovered his error. " "^Vho has cut 
 oflFthe sleeves of my shirt ?" exclaimed the enraged 
 and hampered moralist with stentorian vociferation, 
 dancing and tugging, and roaring for freedom. 
 The noise brought up poor Mrs. Thompson, who, 
 with the most consummate delicacy, shutting her 
 two chaste eyes, slipped her hand into the room, 
 and delivered her giant guest from his enchanted 
 castle. 
 
 An angel in a cloud. 
 A gentleman observing he had a great dislike to 
 see a woman smoke, anotherthus replied — "Really, 
 now, when thus occupied, she must appear an angol 
 in a cloud," 
 
 Tlie duel. 
 " Me fight a duel !" cries old Jones, 
 
 " Because he broke my pipe! 
 No — I don't want to break his bones, 
 
 My honour just to wipe." 
 
 Me fight a duel ! No — not I — 
 
 I don't much like the job ; 
 Why, zounds, man I he might lose an eye. 
 
 Or I might lose my nob. 
 
 Perhaps I might his mv.rd'rer be — 
 Oh, what a dreadful sinner !
 
 362 DR. Yors'S. 
 
 Perhaps I might be kill'd — while he 
 Goes home, and eats his dinner. 
 
 I'm sure he'd rather stay at home, 
 
 And dine upon apullet ; 
 His belly would be lodg'd with meat, 
 
 In mine be kdg'd a tuXirf." 
 
 Dr. Young. 
 
 One day, as Dr. Young was walking in his garden 
 at Welwyn, in company with two ladies, (one of 
 whom he afterwards married) the servant came to 
 acquaint him that a gentleman wished to speak with 
 him " TeJl him, (said the Doctor) I am too hap- 
 pily engaged to change my situation." The ladies 
 insisted upon it he should go, as his visitor was a 
 man of rank — his patron, his friend; and as persua- 
 sion had no effect, one took him by the right arm, 
 the other by the left, and led him to the garden 
 gate: when finding resistance vain, he bowed, laid 
 his hand upon his heart, and in that expressive 
 manner for which he was so remarkable, spoke the 
 following lines; — 
 
 •' Thus Adam look'd, when from the garden driv'n, 
 And thus disputed orders sent fiom heav'n ; 
 Like him I go. but vet to go am loth ; 
 Like him I go, for angels drove us both : 
 Hard was his fate, but mine still more unkind — 
 His Eve went with him, but mine stays behind." 
 
 Lttile cause — great effect. 
 
 To show what great events spring from trivial 
 causes, it may be observed, that the public are in- 
 debted to a most trifling incident for the greatest 
 part of Mr. Guy's (the founder of the hospital that 
 goes bv his name) immense fortune being applied 
 to cnaritable uses. 
 
 Guy had a maid servant whom he agreed to marry,
 
 LIMBS ON PAWNING .MY iVATCH. 363 
 
 and pr«^ps.ratory to his nuptials, he had ordt^red the 
 paTement before his door to be mended, so far as to 
 a particular stone which he had marked. The maid, 
 while her master was out, innocently looking on the 
 paviours at work, saw a broken place they had not 
 repaired, and mentioned it to them, but they told 
 her that Mr. Guy had directed them not to so so 
 far. *' Well," (says she) do you mend it. Tell him 
 I bid you — I know he will not be angry." It hap- 
 pened, however, that the poor girl presumed too far 
 over her wary lover, with whom the charge of a few 
 shillings extraordinary turned the scale entirely 
 against her ; for Guy, enraged to find his orders ex- 
 ceeded, renounced the matrimonial scheme, and 
 built hospitals in his old age. 
 
 Fugitive Lines on Farming my Watch. 
 
 Farewell, then, my golden repeater, 
 'V^ e're come to my Uncle's old shop ; 
 
 And hunger won't be a dumb-waiter. 
 The Cerberus growls for a sop 1 
 
 To quit thee, my comrade diurnal. 
 
 My feelings will certainly scotch ; 
 Lut, oh I there's a riot internal. _ 
 
 And famine calls out for the Watch ! 
 
 Oh .' hunger's a terrible trial, 
 I really must hare a relief — 
 
 So here goes the plate of your dial 
 To fetch me some some Williams's heef! 
 
 As famish'd as any lost seaman, 
 I've fasted for many a dawn, 
 A nd now must play chess with the Demon, 
 And give it a c^^ct with a paten. 
 
 I've fasted, since dining at Luncle's, 
 Two da\s with true Percival zeal —
 
 364 LINES ON PAWNING MY WATOH. 
 
 A nd now must make up, at my Uncle's, 
 By getting a dnplicateme^.X. 
 
 No Peachum it is, or young Lockit, 
 That rifles my fob with a snatch ; 
 
 Alas, 1 must pick my own pocket, 
 And make gravy-soup of my watch ! 
 
 So long I havewander'd a starrer, 
 I'm getting as keen as a hawk ; 
 
 Time's long hand must take up a carver, 
 His short hand lay hold of a fork. 
 
 Right heavy and sad the event is, 
 But oh! it is poverty's crime; 
 
 I've been such a Brownrigg's Apprenti e 
 I thus must be out of my time. 
 
 Alas ! when in Brook Street the Upper 
 In comfort 1 lived between walls — 
 
 I've gone to a dance for my supper, 
 But now 1 must go to Three Balls ! 
 
 Folks talk about dressing for dinner, 
 But I have for dinner undrest ; 
 
 Since Christmas, as I am a sinner, 
 I've eaten a suit of my best. 
 
 I haven't a rag or a mummuck 
 To fetch me a chop or a steak ; 
 
 1 wish that the coats of my stomach 
 Were such as my Uncle would take ! 
 
 When duhes were ready with garnish 
 
 My watch used to warn with a chime- 
 But now my repeater must furnish 
 The dinner in lieu of the time ! 
 
 My craving will take no denials, 
 1 can't fob it off, if you stay,
 
 FAMILY ATTAINMENTS. 365 
 
 So go — and the num'roua church dials 
 Must tell me the time of the day. 
 
 Vour chimes I shall never more hear 'ei.,, 
 
 To p-ert is a tic doloureux ! 
 But Tempus has his edax rerum, 
 
 And I have my feeding-time too ! 
 
 Farewell, then, my golden repeater, 
 We're come to my Uncle's old shop— 
 
 And hunger won't be a dumb-waiter, 
 The Cerberus growls for a sop ! 
 
 Family attainments, 
 A medical gentleman, distinguished not only for 
 his professional ability, laut likewise for his attach- 
 ment to literature, being in a very debilitated condi- 
 tion from the effects of long illness, engaged a 
 young man to read to him. It happened that the 
 person who was recommended to the doctor for this 
 purpose had not received what is termed a liberal 
 education ; in fact, he had been accustomed to dis- 
 pense other than literary sweets, having taken his 
 degrees in a magazine of spices and groceries. It 
 will, therefore, not appear surprising, that on being 
 installed into his lectureship, several lapsus lingucB 
 occurred in the execution of his office, which not a 
 little astonished as well as annoyed the sensitive ear 
 of his learned auditor. At length the unfortunate 
 reader, meeting with one of those exquisite poly- 
 syllables of Greek derivation, equally the delight of 
 the pedant and the terror of the uninitiated, fairly 
 broke down. Disconcerted at the circumstance, the 
 doctor enquired of him whether he had ever learned 
 Greek or Latin. Not receiving an immediate an- 
 swer to his question — " Do you mean, sir, (said the 
 sick gentleman) to tell me that you know any Ian 
 guage but English ?" The unfortunate catechumen 
 <J2
 
 366 THE OLD bachelor's REGISTER. 
 
 thus completely screvred to the sticking-place, re^ 
 luctantlv acknowledged that he did not, but gravely 
 assured the interrogator that he had a brother who was 
 perfectly acquainied'with French. 
 
 The Old Bachelor's register. 
 At 16 years, Incipient palpitations are manifested 
 towards the young ladies. 
 
 17. Blushing and confusion occur in conversing 
 with ihem. 
 
 18. Confidence in conversing with them is much 
 increased. 
 
 19. Is angry if treated by them as a boy. 
 
 20. Betrays great consciousness of his own charms 
 and manliness. 
 
 21. A lookiag-glassbecomes highly indispensable 
 in his room. 
 
 22. Insufferable puppyism exhibited. 
 
 23. Thinks no woman good enough for him. 
 
 24. Is canght unawares by the snares of Cupid, 
 
 25. The connection broken off from self-conceit 
 on his part. 
 
 26. Conducts himself with airs of superiority to- 
 wards her. 
 
 27. Pays his addresses to another lady — not with- 
 out hope of mortifying the first. 
 
 28. Is mortified and frantic at being refused. 
 
 29. Rails against the fair sex in general. 
 
 30. Seems morose and out of humour in all con- 
 versations on matrimony. 
 
 31. Contemplat'^s matrimony more under the in- 
 fluence of interest than formerly. 
 
 32. Begins to cons'.der personal beauty in a wife 
 not 80 indispensable as formerly. 
 
 33. Still retains a high opinion cf his attractions 
 as a husband. 
 
 44. Consequently has no idea but ho may still 
 marry i. chicken.
 
 THE OLD BACHELOR S REGISTER. 367 
 
 35. Falls deeply and violently in love with one of 
 •venteen. 
 
 36. Au dernier desespoir — another refusal. 
 
 37. Indulges now in every kind of dissipation. 
 
 38. Shuns the best part of the female sex. 
 
 39. SuflFers much remorse and mortification in so 
 3 ling. 
 
 49. A fresh budding of matrimonial ideas, but no 
 jpiing shoots. 
 
 41. A nice young widow perplexes him. 
 
 42. Venturesto address her with mixed sensations 
 of love and interest. 
 
 43. Interest prevails, which causes much cautious 
 reflection. 
 
 44. The widow jilts him, being as cautious as him- 
 seif. 
 
 45 Becomes every day more averse to th--; fair 
 Bex. 
 48 Gouty and nervous symptoms begin to appear. 
 
 47. Fears what may become of him when old and 
 infirm. 
 
 48. Thinks living alone irksome. 
 
 49. Resolves to have a prudent young woman as 
 housekeeper and companion. 
 
 50. A nervous affection about him, and frequent 
 attacks of the gout. 
 
 51. Much pleased with his new housekeeper •end 
 nurse. 
 
 52. Begins to t eel some attachment to her 
 
 53. His pride revolts at the idea of marrying her. 
 
 54. He is in great distress how to act. 
 
 55. Completely under her influence, and very mi- 
 serable. 
 
 55. Manypainful thoughts about parting with her. 
 
 57. She refuses to live any longer with him soio. 
 
 58. Gouty, nervous, and bilious to excess. 
 
 59. Feels very ill, sends for her to his bed-»id« 
 and intends espousing her.
 
 368 CHURCH VOCALISTS. 
 
 60. Grows rapidly worse, has his will made m her 
 favour, and makes his exit. 
 
 Inconvenient haste. 
 A costermonger meeting one of his fraternity, 
 whose pony might be considered as a sort of equine 
 living skeleton, remonstrated with the owner for not 
 " blowing out the hanimal's hide," as he elegantly 
 termed it, and asked him if he never fed him. "Ne- 
 ver feed him ! my eyes, but that's a good 'un," was 
 the reply. " Why he's got a bushel and a half of 
 oats at home now, only he arn't got no time to eat 
 'em." 
 
 Church vocalists. 
 A clergyman of a parish church in the county of 
 Essex, who had long been annoyed by the inharmo- 
 nious sounds of his choristers, one Snnday very 
 abruptly arose from his seat before they had con- 
 cluded their melodies, and immediately said — " Let 
 MS pray " One of the choir waggishly replied, " Do, 
 »r ; for we can't sing.*' 
 
 Epitaph on a Woman who had three husbands. 
 Here lies the body of Mary Sexton, 
 Who pleased three men, and never vex'd one— 
 This she can't aay beneath the next stone. 
 
 The ivMng passion strong in death. 
 The groom of the late Duke of Queensbury, who 
 won the famous match with the celebrated Eleanor, 
 was an especial favouaite with his grace. Hearing, 
 when at a great distance from the spot, that his 
 faithful servant was on the point of death, and had 
 expressed an earnest desire to speak £i few words to 
 his master before he departed for ever, the duke 
 oroceeded post haste to the place where he lay. On
 
 THE FOUR HUNCHBACKS. 369 
 
 being shown into the room he approached the bed, 
 and gently drawing the curtains , looked silently on 
 his countenance, now glazing under the first touch of 
 death. The patient turned with difficulty around, 
 and his pale face brightened for a moment, as he 
 caught his master's eye. " Ah, my lord ! (shouted 
 out the dying man ;) you remember El-e-Eleanor ?" 
 " To be sure I do; John," replied the duke. " Ah I 
 (continued the groom) warn't he a rum "un?'^ — and 
 died. 
 
 The four hunchbacks. 
 
 Not far from Thessaly there lived a knight, 
 
 Uglier than knight was ever seen before; 
 Indeed he seemed more like some elfin sprite, 
 
 For .=carce a human form the urchin bore. 
 His growth had been so miserably stinted, 
 
 That three-foot-five was all our knight could claim 
 Hump-back'd to boot ; besides all this, he squinted. 
 
 And walked — or. rather, limped — most grievous 
 lame. 
 
 But when you hear this man possess'd a wife — 
 
 The prettiest, too, of all the country round — 
 Perchance you'll wonder; but observe, through 
 life 
 
 Matches like this will frequently be found. 
 The secret was, the knight had lands and wealth — 
 
 And this is often reckon'd a great merit — 
 (At least in those not bless'd with too much health 
 
 For then the widow never would inherit.) 
 
 But to our tale. Before his gate one morn 
 Three hump-back'd minstrels all appeared in 
 view ; 
 
 And being weary, hungry, and forlorn. 
 
 Offered for meat and drink their skill to shew. 
 
 The knight agreed — but when their song was o'er 
 (Mayhap you'll say it was not vpry civil,}
 
 370 THE POUR HtTNCHBACKS. 
 
 He swore if e'er they came before him more, 
 
 He'd kick both harps and minstrels to the deyil 
 Then closed his gates. The harpers hied away, 
 
 E'en glad to find their bones were left them 
 whole ; 
 The knight then went (as usual every day) 
 
 Along the river side to take a stroll. 
 But spouse within, who'd watch'd all this proceed- 
 ing, 
 
 Resolv'd herself to hear the minstrels play ; 
 She caU'd them back, and with another feeding, 
 
 Engaged them all again in roundelay. 
 
 But short, alas ! the joys allowed to mortal, 
 
 (At most indeed a miserable pittance,) 
 For soon was heard a knocking at the portal ; 
 
 The husband back — and bawling for admittance. 
 What's to be done ? A thought (which seem'd the 
 best) 
 
 Was carried into effect most expeditiously ; 
 This was to shut each minstrel in a chest, 
 
 And thereto hide them under lock and key. 
 There they remain'd until the coast was clear, 
 
 Which happened when the knight was gone to 
 bed : 
 But on the morrow, gu^ss the lady's fear, 
 
 When she discovered that they all were dead ! 
 Again theknight went out — and then a clown 
 
 At last some consolation seem'd to give her ; 
 He promis'd, for a ducat, that he'd drown 
 
 The devil himself within th' adjoining river. 
 The clown (who had no gieat desire to thwart her) 
 
 Threw the poor hunchback o'er his shoulders 
 broad, 
 And plung'd him headlong in the rapid water ; 
 
 Returning thence to handle his reward, 
 When straight before his wond'ring eyes she sbow'd 
 
 Another hunchback — the image of his brother.
 
 THE JEW IN THE BUSH. 371 
 
 " What ? here again I he cried. This time his load 
 
 He stufTd with stones, " Now, then (said K^) 
 you'll smother." 
 Return'd again, once more the trick they play. 
 
 He flings the other in tha foaming stream. 
 Just then the hunchback knight appeared that way — 
 
 " The Dpvil ! (roared the Clown) or else I dream." 
 Catching him up — " Come here, (he cried) old Sin !" 
 
 (Lord, how the knight did plunge, and kick, and 
 roar I) 
 Cudgell'd him well, then hurled /u"m headlong in, 
 
 And sure enough he ne'er was heard of more. 
 
 The Jew in the bush. 
 
 A farmer had a faithful and diligent servant, who 
 had worked hard for him for three years, without ha- 
 ving been paid any wages. At last it came into the 
 man's head that ho would not thus go on without pay 
 any longer, so h-^ went to his master and said — " f 
 have worked hard for you a long time, Twill trust to 
 you to give me what I deserve to have for my trou- 
 ble." 
 
 The farmer was a sad miser, and knew that his 
 men was simple-hearted, so he took out threepence, 
 and gave him for every year's service a penny. The 
 poor fellow thought it was a great deal of money to 
 have, and said to himself, " Why should I work 
 hard, and live here on bad far^ any longer? 1 can 
 now travel into the wide world, and make myself 
 merry." With that he put his money in his purse, 
 and set out with a light heart, roaming over hill and 
 valley. 
 
 As he joffged along over the fields, singing and 
 dancing, a little dwarf met him, and asked him what 
 made him so merry ? 
 
 "Why what should make me down-hearted? (said 
 he ;) I am in sound health, and rich in purse — what 
 should /care for? I have saved !ip my three years' 
 ; 3
 
 ^rj TME Jtvr IN THE BUSH. 
 
 earnings, and have it all safe and secure in my 
 pocket," 
 
 " How much may it come to ?" enquired the little 
 man. 
 
 " Full three-pence," replied the countryman. 
 " I wish you would give them to me, (said the 
 other,) fnr I am very poor." 
 
 Then the man pitied him, and gave him all he had, 
 and the little dwerf said in return — " As you have 
 such a kind good heart, I will grant you three 
 wishes — one for each penny; so choose for whatever 
 you like." 
 
 Then the countryman rejoiced at his good luck, 
 and said — " I like many thrngs better than money. 
 First, I will have a botv that will bring down every 
 thing I shoot at; secondly, a fiddle that will set 
 every one dancing that hears me play upon it ; and 
 thirdly, I should like that every one should grant 
 what i ask." 
 
 The dwarf said he should have his three wishes — 
 so he straightway gave him the bow and the fiddle, 
 and disappeared. 
 
 Our honest friend journeyed on his way ; and if he 
 was merry before, he was no w ten times more so. He 
 had not gone far before he met an old Jew. Close 
 by them stood a tree, and on the topmost twig sat a 
 thrush, singing away most joyfully. 
 
 " Oh, what a pretty bird'l" said the Jew. " I 
 would give a great deal of money to have just such 
 a one." 
 
 " If that's al!, (said the countryman,") I will soon 
 bring it down." He then took up his bow, and 
 down fell the thrush into the bushes at the foot of 
 the tree. 
 
 The Jew crept into the bush to find it, but as soon 
 as he had 2ot into the middle, his companion took 
 up his fiddle and played away, and the Jewb egan to 
 dance and spring about, capering higher and higher
 
 THE JEW IN THE BfSH, 373 
 
 in the air. The thorns soon began to tear his 
 clothes, till they all hung in rags about him, and he 
 himself was so much scratched-and wounded that the 
 blood ran down. 
 
 " Oh, for heaven's sake, master, (cried the Jew,) 
 pray let the fiddle alone. What have I done to de- 
 serve this?" 
 
 "Thou hast shaved many a poor soul close 
 enough," said the other. " Thou art only meeting 
 thy reward" — so he played up another tune. 
 
 The Jew now began to beg and pray, and said he 
 would give money for his liberty ; but he did net 
 come up to the musician's price for some time, and 
 he danced him along brisker and brisker, and the 
 Jew bid higher and higher, till at last he offered a 
 round hundred florins that he had in his purse, and 
 hadjust gained by cheating some poor fellow. 
 
 When the countryman saw so much money, he 
 said, " I will agree to the bargain " So he took the 
 purse, put up his fiddle, and travelled on, very well 
 pleased with the adventure. 
 
 Meanwhile the Jew crept out of the bush, half 
 naked and in a piteons plight, and began to ponder 
 how he should take his revenge, and serve his late 
 companion some trick. At last he went to the 
 judge, and said that a rascal had robbed him of his 
 money, and beaten him into the bargain ; and that 
 the fellow who did it carr.ed a bow at his back, and 
 had a fiddle hung rouud his neck. The judge sent 
 out his officers to bring up the man wherever they 
 should find him, andhe wassoon caught andbrought 
 up to be tried. 
 
 The Jew bpgan to tell his tale, and said he had 
 been robbed of his money. " You gave it me for 
 playing a tune to you," said the countryman. The 
 judge considered that a very unlikely story, and cut 
 the matter exceedingly short by sending him off to 
 the gallows.
 
 374 THE JLW IN THE BUSH. 
 
 So away he was about to be taken, but as he stood 
 on the steps he said— " My lord Judge, will it please 
 /ou, as an act of great mercy, to grant n^.e one fa- 
 vour ?" 
 
 * Anything but thy life," replied t^i" judgre. 
 
 " No, (said he) I do not ask my life ; only let me 
 play once more upon my fiddle." 
 
 " No. no ! for heaven's sake, don't listen to hira," 
 exclaimed tho Jew. 
 
 The judge said, " It is only for this once, and he 
 will scon have done." The fact was, he could not 
 say no to the countryman's request, because of the 
 dwarf's third gift. 
 
 "Bind me fast — bind me fast, for Heaven's sake '" 
 roared the Jew, imploringly. 
 
 The countryman seized his fiddle, and struck up a 
 tune At the first note the judge, the clerks, and 
 the jailor began capering — no one could hold the 
 Jew. At the seeond note the hangman let his pri- 
 soner go, and danced also ; and by the time he had 
 played the first bar of the tune, all were dancing to- 
 gether — ^judge, counsellors, and Jew, and all the 
 perple who had followed to look on. 
 
 At first the thing was merry and joyous enough, 
 but when it had gone on a while, and there seemed 
 to be no end of play or dancing, they began to cry 
 out, and beg him to leave ofl"; but he stopped not a 
 whit the more for their begging, till the judge not 
 only gave him a free pardon, but also promised him 
 his hundred florins back. 
 
 The countryman now addressed the Jew, and 
 said — " Tell us, now, you vagabond, where a'ou got 
 that gold, or I shall play on for your amusement 
 only. ' 
 
 "I stole it, (said the Jew, before all the people;) 
 I acknowledge that I stole it. and that you earned it 
 fairlv." The countrvman then stcj^ped his fiddle, 
 and ieit the Jew to take his luce at the gallows.
 
 DBAN SWIFT AND LORD CARTERET. S"5 
 
 A considerate lawyer. 
 Old Mr. Fitzgibbon loved to make money, and in 
 his (lav it was not the habit of lawyers to spend it. 
 Tney used to tell a story of him respecting a certain 
 client who brought his own brief and fee, that he 
 might personally apologize for the smallness of the 
 latter. Fitzgibbon, or receiving the fee, looked ra- 
 ther discontented. " 1 assure you, counsellor, (said 
 the client, mournfully) I am ashamed of its small 
 ness: but it is all I have in the world." "Oh, 
 then, (said Fitzgibbon) you can do no more. As it's 
 all vou have in tne world, -^rhv — hem ! — I must take 
 It r 
 
 Dean Svrift and Lord Carteret. 
 Dean Swift having waited one day at the castle for 
 audience of Lord Carteret, till his patience was ex- 
 hausted, wrote the following couplet on a window, 
 and went away : — 
 
 " My very good lord, 'tis ^very hard task 
 For a man to wait here who has nothing to ask."' 
 To which the Earl subjoined this answer : — 
 " My very good Dean, there are few who come here 
 But have something to ask, or something to fear." 
 
 Ghost- ; or, the Question solved. 
 
 That ghosts now and then on this globe would ap- 
 pear, 
 
 Dick denied with his tongue, bnt confess'd by bis 
 fear; 
 
 And passing a churcli-yard one evening in fn^lu. 
 
 i^le met, and thus querierl, a guardian of night ; 
 
 " Did you e'er see a ghost in your watchings, i 
 pray ? 
 
 You're here at all hours— and the thing's in your 
 way." 
 
 " Not I, "—said the watchman — " and good reason 
 why —
 
 376 LAUDABLE GRACE. 
 
 Men never come back when you get them to die. 
 If to Heaven they go, they are not so to blame 
 
 To return to this world of vexation to fret 'em ; 
 And if to that place it's uncivil to name, 
 
 I fancy, your honour, the Devil won't let 'em !" 
 
 March of intellect. 
 
 A gentleman the other day, visiting Mr. Wood's 
 school in Edinburgh, had a book put into his hand 
 forthe purpose of examining a class. The word tn- 
 heritance occurring in the verse, the querist interro- 
 gated the youngstei as follows : — " What is inherit- 
 ance?" Answer. — "Patrimony." " What is patri- 
 mony ?" Ansicer. — *' Something left by a father." 
 " What would you call it, if left by a mother?" 
 Answer. — " Matrimony," 
 
 Laudable grace. 
 
 The persecuting Archbishop Laud was a man of 
 short stature Charles the First and the Archbishop 
 were one day about to sit down to dinner together, 
 when it was agreed that .A.rchee, the king's jester, 
 should say grace for them, which he did in the fol- 
 lowing words; — " Great praise be given to God, but 
 little Laud to the devil 1" 
 
 Tlie three draughts. 
 
 An apothecary in the country sent a lady three 
 draughts, and on being asked what effect they were 
 intended to produce, said — " The first, madam, is to 
 cool you — the second is to warm you — and the third 
 to prevent the excessive effect of either." 
 
 Brief epitaph. 
 Underneath, where, as you see, 
 There lies the body of Smcn Tree. 
 
 I
 
 AN EVEN TEMPER. 37"^ 
 
 Curious advertisement. 
 Found on a suspicious person, stopped by the Po- 
 lice, among" many other things, the fulIowinsJ ar- 
 ticles, viz. 
 
 1. The clock of old St. Dunstan's church, with the 
 Cross of St. Paul's and the steeple of the church in 
 Langham Place, which he had converted into a seal 
 and key, and appended thereto by a massive chain 
 cable. 
 
 2. The images of Gog and Magog from Guildhall. 
 N. B. — He begged hard to have these restored to 
 him, alleging that he had bought them asplaythings 
 for his children. 
 
 3. The collective wisdom of St. Stephen's Chapel, 
 which he had purloined from the members' skulls, 
 before the late fire, and had artfully concealed in a 
 nut-shell. 
 
 4. The conscience of the legal profession, which at 
 first was scarcely perceptible — but on its being acci- 
 dentally placed in a bag of sovereigns, became ex 
 tremely vociferous. 
 
 5. A cart-load of Billingsgate abuse, and a bag of 
 moonshine. Should these articles not be claimed, 
 they will be sold to the best bidder, i^" They 
 would admirably answer the purpose of some of our 
 best public instructcrs. 
 
 There were several other articles of less value, all 
 of which will be restored to the right owners, on ap- 
 plication at the Mansion House. 
 
 An even temper. 
 
 A popular candidate for the New Parliament was 
 describpd as the most even-tempered man in exist- 
 ence, for he was born in a passion, and has continued 
 in it, without the intervention of a sweet-tempered 
 hour, all his life.
 
 3'S M<. Ca OF A SIZF. 
 
 Ill success. 
 During the insurrection in 1798, the following an- 
 nouncement appeared in a Dublin newspaper: — 
 '• General Lake scoured the country yesterday, but 
 had not the good fortune to meet with a single re- 
 bel." 
 
 Much of a size. 
 Cardinal Wolsey was a man 
 
 Of an unbounded stomach, Shakspeare says, 
 Meaning in metaphor, for ever puffing, 
 To swell beyond his size and span. 
 
 But had he seen a player of our days. 
 Enacting FalstafF without stuffing. 
 
 He would have own'd that Wolsey's oulk ideal, 
 Equall'dnat that within the bounds. 
 This actor's belt surround?. 
 
 Which is, moreover, all alive and real. 
 
 This plaver. when the peace enable shoals 
 
 Of our old fishes, 
 To visit every clime between the poles. 
 Swam withthe stream, a histrionic Kraken ; 
 
 Although his wishes 
 Must not in this proceeding be mistaken, 
 For he went out professionally bent, 
 To see how money might ha made, not spent 
 
 In this most laudable employ. 
 
 He found hinsself at Lisie one afternoon — 
 And, that he might the bieeze enjoy, 
 
 And catch a pe.']^ it the ascendingmoon, 
 Out of tha town he took a stroll. 
 Rpfroshing in the f.elds his soul, 
 V\ ith sight of screams, and trees, and snowy fleeces, 
 And thought af crowded houses and new pieces.
 
 EFFECTS O COLD. ?79 
 
 When we are pleasamly employed time flies ; 
 He counted up his profits to the skies, 
 On which he j^azed awhile, and then 
 
 Pull'd out his watch, and cried " Past nine ! 
 Why, zounds, they shut the gates at ten I" 
 
 Backwards he turned his steps instanter, 
 Stumping alon^ with might and main — 
 And lhouo;h 'tis plain, 
 
 He couldn'tgallop, trot, or canter, 
 
 (Those who had seen him would confess it) he 
 
 March'd well for one of such obesity. 
 
 Eyeing hiswatch, anil now his forehead mopping, 
 
 He puff'd and blew along the road. 
 Afraid of melting, more afraid of stopping ; 
 \^'hen in his path, he met a clown 
 Returning from the town. 
 
 •' Tell me— (he panted, in a thawing state) — 
 Dost think i can get in, friend, at the gate?" 
 •' Get in ! (replied the hesitating loon. 
 Measuring with his eye our bulky wight,) — 
 "V^■hy, yes. sir, I should think you might — 
 A load of hay went in this afternoon." 
 
 Effects of cold. 
 " Sir, I shall fine you for not wearing a white cra- 
 vat with youY academic dress," said a strict discipli- 
 narian to an vinfortunate Freshman, on a raw morn- 
 ing in January. "Fine me I I assure you, sir, my 
 cravat IS white " " How can you say so, sir ? Do I 
 not see thatis blue?" "Oh, sir, it was white when 
 I put it on this morning — it looks blue from the 
 cold." 
 
 Mistaken cunning. 
 After a successful attack on an English detach-
 
 380 A GOOD EXCUSE. 
 
 ment, in the Scotch rebellion of 1745, a Highlander 
 had gained a watch, as his share of the spoils of the 
 vanquished. Unacquainted with its use, he listened 
 with surprise and pleasure to the ticking sound with 
 which his new acquisition amused him. After a 
 few hours, however, the watch was down, the noise 
 ceased, and the dispirited owner, looking on the toy 
 no longer with any satisfaction, determined to con- 
 ceal the misfortune which had befallen it, and to 
 dispose of it to the first person who offered him a 
 trifle in exchange. He soon met with a customer, 
 but, at parting, he could not conceal his triumph, 
 and exultingly exclaimed, — " Why, she died last 
 night 1" 
 
 A good excuse. 
 A gentleman, furious with anger and hunger, 
 Thus addressed an itinerant Irish fishmonger — 
 " You knavish infernal impostor I pray, how 
 Could you sell me such fish as I paid for just now ? 
 Why, damn it, you rascal, they stink like the de- 
 vil!" 
 Says Paddy, " Your honour, that's not very civil ; 
 Whate'erbethe mackerel, 'tis surely a shame 
 To blame me, when none but yourself is o blame ; 
 Before your own door you allowed me to cry them 
 Five days, sir, before' you thought proper to buy 
 them !" 
 
 Importance of Punctuality. 
 Method is the very hinge of business, and there is 
 no method without punctuality. Punctuality is im- 
 portant, because it subserves the peace and good 
 temper of a family. The want of it not only in- 
 fringes on necessary duty, but sometimes exclude*; 
 this duty. Thecalmness of mindit produces is ano- 
 ther advantage of punctunlity, A disorderly man is 
 a!«raysin a hurry : he has no time to speak to you
 
 XPIORAM. 3St 
 
 beeatue he ie going elsewhere, and when he gets 
 there, he is too late for business, or he must hurry 
 away to another before he can finish it. Pnnctualitv 
 gives weight to character. " Such a man has made 
 an appointment — then I know he will keep it." This 
 generates punctuality in you ; for, like other virtuea, 
 it propagates itself. Servants and children must be 
 punctual where their leader is so. Appointments, 
 indeed, become debts. I owe you punctuality if I 
 have made an appointment with yon, and have no 
 right to throw away your time, if I do my own. 
 
 Epigram, addressed to a Gentleman, who proposed to 
 go to a Masquerade in the Character of Charles the 
 Second. 
 " To this night's masquerade, (quoth Dick,) 
 
 Bypleasure 1 am beckcn'd, 
 And think 'twould be a pleasant trick, 
 
 To go as Charles the Second." 
 
 Tom felt for repartee a thirst, 
 
 And thus to Richard said : 
 " You'd better go as Charles the First, 
 
 For that requires no head!" 
 
 Short'haud question and answer. 
 
 A gentleman remarkable for his fund of humour, 
 wrote to a female relative the following couplet;— 
 
 How comes it, this delightful weather, 
 
 That ?7and I can't dine together '' 
 To which she returned the following reply ; 
 
 My worthy friend, it cannot be; 
 
 ZJ cannot come till after T. 
 
 New Reading. 
 A poor actor, at Norwich, personating Granger in 
 the farce of rr/io's f/i€ Dupe? on his benefit-night,
 
 382 MATRIMONIAL ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 which turned out a very wet evening, and occasion- 
 ed a bad house, in reply to Gradus's Greek quota- 
 tion, where Old Doily sits as umpire, began thus : — 
 " raino nighto ! spoilo henefito quito.^* 
 
 Matrimonial advertisement. 
 A highly respectable gentleman, who has for 
 many years distingu'iL hod himself as an important 
 public functionary, is desirous of haltering \i'\% con- 
 dition, and tying the knot of wedlock with a lady of 
 congenial sentiments. Having, himself, a very ten- 
 der disposition, he stipulates for the same on the 
 part of the object of his attachment ; and as he is 
 partial to good spirits, he hopes she will always have a 
 stock. She must be duly impressed with a regard 
 for the dignity of her husband's station, and must 
 never associate with her inferiors, and whatever 
 pledges she makes, she must be careful to redeem. 
 The Advertiser is not very particular as to personal 
 attractions ; and with regard to money, he has seen 
 BO many people in a state of dependence, that he 
 merely trusts she will come provided against such a% 
 unpleasant contingency. On these condition*, 
 which are the gaoi of his wishes, he will give th* 
 fair object of his affections her/u/isit;ina-, and be per- 
 fectly resigned fo /us /a^e. He anxiously looks for a 
 line, addressed "John Ketch, Esq. opposite the 
 Debtor's door. Old Bailey. 
 
 N. B. — The Schoolmaster in Newgate, who drew 
 up the above advertisement for his respected friend 
 Mr. Ketch, takes this opportunity of contradicting a 
 report, which has been current for some time past, 
 that the Schoolmaster is abroad, which is quite fo- 
 reign from the fact. Arrangements were certainly 
 made to that effect, which, had they been carried 
 into execution, he would have been quite transport- 
 ed—hut he regrets to state, that he is under the ne- 
 cessity of remaining at his abode, the large stone 
 house in the Old Bailey.
 
 I LIKE IT. 383 
 
 One of your ovm sex, madam. 
 A gentleman going one day to visit a young lady 
 to whom he paid his addresses, he happened to have 
 a little greyhound bitch with him: which being a 
 handsome creature of the kind, the lady admired it, 
 saying, " Dear me ! what a pretty dog this is." 
 " You are mistaken, (answered the gentleman) it is 
 not a dog, but one of your own sex, madam." 
 
 I like it. 
 When drams were more in vogue even th; n they 
 are at present, a gentleman called for a glass at a ta- 
 vern, because, he said, he was very hot. *' Bring me 
 one, (sajs another) for I am very cold." " It is a 
 strange thing, (says a third) that people can't find an 
 excuse for their follies without insulting the good 
 sense of the company. Here, bring me a dram, boy, 
 for I like it!" 
 
 The sweep and theharher. 
 A chimney sweeper's boy had lust swept the 
 chimney at a barber's shop, and while the boy was 
 tying up his soot, some of the journeymen who 
 were at work in the shop, being inclined to exercise 
 their wit on the poor lad, among other qupstions 
 asked him what trade his father was? The boy very 
 archly replied, "Why my father was a barber, and I 
 might have been a barber too: but, to teil you th 
 truth, 1 did not like such a lackguard business.'' 
 
 lihought some fool wou.d ask me. 
 A humourous fellow, a carpenter, having to attend 
 as a witness on a trial for an assault, one of the 
 couneel,who was very much given to brow-beating, 
 asked him what distance he was from the parties 
 vtbei he saw the defendant strijie ihi> plaiuiiff?
 
 '*S4 MELCHISEDEC'S FATHER. 
 
 The carpenter answered, " Just five feet five inches 
 and a half." "Prithee, fellow, (said the counsel) 
 how is it possible you can be so very exact as to the 
 distance?" " Why, to tell you the truth, (replied 
 the carpenter, 1 thought perhaps that some fool ■ 
 other might ask me, and so I measured it," 
 
 An immaterial distinction. 
 
 A poor condemni^d culprit told the late Justice 
 Burnet, that it was a hard law to be hanged for 
 stealing a horse. '• My friend, (said the facetious 
 Judge) you are not hanged for stealing a horse, but 
 that liorses may not be stolen." 
 
 Melchisedec's father. 
 A certain great man having a good living vacant by 
 the death of a fornrer incumbent, was solicited by 
 many neighbouring clergymen of great learning for 
 the next presentatioTi, all of whom he refused, be- 
 cause they could not inform him who was Melchi- 
 sedec's father. A young Fellow of a college in Ox- 
 ford hearing of this, came to the great man and 
 asked it for himself. The great man, as usual, told 
 him that if he could tell him who was Melchisedec's 
 father, he would stand a good chance. " That I'll 
 do instantly, (replied the young gentleman) and 
 who was bis mother too" — and putting his hand in 
 one pocket, pulled out a purse of sovereigns, saying 
 " There is his father, my lord," then turning his 
 hand to the other pocket, took out another purse— 
 " And this, my lord, is his mother." "Well, (an- 
 swered his lordship) this is something to the pur- 
 pose, I confess; let me only count the syllables of 
 their names,and if they are right, you shall certainly 
 have the living." 
 
 A matter of doubt. 
 A celebrated oomedian walking down Bov; Street,
 
 sailor's DESCBIPTION OF A HUNT, 3S5 
 
 Covent Garden, saw a poor miserable object asking 
 charity ; he stopped and relieved him, saying at the 
 same time, " This man must either be in very great 
 distress, or a verv good actor." 
 
 A cockney's query. 
 A citizen's wife being in the country, and seeing 
 a goose that had many goslings — " How is it possi- 
 ble, (said 8he)that one goose should suckle so many 
 goslings ?" 
 
 Sailor's description of a hunt. 
 
 A naval captain, having returned from a long 
 voyage, was invited by some gentleman to a hunting 
 match. After the sport was over, he gave his friends 
 the following account of the pastime; — 
 
 " Our hoises being completely rigged we manned 
 them, and the wind being at S. W. twenty of us be- 
 ing in company, away we set off over the Downs. In 
 the time of half a watch we snied a hare under a 
 full gale; we tacked, and stood after her, coming up 
 close, she tacked, and we tacked, upon which tack I 
 had like to have run aground ; but getting close, oft 
 I stood after hsr again ; but, as the devil would 
 have it, just about to lay her aboard, bearing too 
 much wind, 1 and my horse overset, and came keel 
 upwards." 
 
 The Irishman and the Shoemaker. 
 
 An Irishman went to a shoemaker's shop, and told 
 the man he wanted to buy a pair of shoes. He 
 accordingly handed him a pair with the toe of one, 
 as usual, thrust into the other. The Irishman put 
 on his old shoes again in a great passion, and told 
 the shoemaker he was a cheating knave, to offer to 
 give him a paii of shoes that the little one was big 
 enough to hold the great one in his belly
 
 386 WELCH CORRESPONDENCE. 
 
 I bought her by weight. 
 A handsome young gentleman, having married ar 
 extreme ugly lady, who was very rich, was asked by 
 his friends how he could think of marrying so ordi- 
 nary a waman. " Look ye, (saTd he) 1 bought her 
 hj weight, and paid nothing foi fashion." 
 
 Welch correspoTiaence . 
 A Welchman seeing his master tearing some let- 
 ters, said — " Pray, sir, give hur one — no matter 
 which — to send to hur friends, for they have not 
 heard from hur a great while." 
 
 Nothing left to take care of. 
 A youn? fellow havin? made away with all he had. 
 even to his last suit of clothes, a person said to 
 him, "Now, I hope you'll own yourself a happy 
 man, for you have put an end to all your cares." 
 " How so ?" said the gentleman. "Because, (re- 
 plied the other) you have nothing left to take care 
 of." 
 
 Travellers lie together by authority. 
 
 A gentleman talking of hie travels, a lady in com- 
 pany said she had been a great deal farther, and seen 
 more countries than he "Nay, then, madair (re- 
 plied the gentleman) as travellers, we may lie toge- 
 ther by authority." 
 
 Tlie Bishop and his Due. 
 Dr. John Egerton, bishop of Durham, on coming 
 to that see, employed one Due as his agent, to find 
 out the true value of the estates held by lease under 
 him, and in consequence of Due's report, greatly 
 raised both the fines and reserved rents of his te- 
 nants ; on which account ihe following toast was
 
 I SAY. 3S7 
 
 frequently drunk in and about Durham :— " May 
 the Lord take the Bishop, and the Devil have his 
 Due." 
 
 Eatable links. 
 In Suffolk black puddings made in guts are called 
 links. Onre rrhon George the Second landed at 
 Harwich, it was so dark by the time he reached 
 Copeluck that lights were thought necessary: the 
 harbinger going before enquired of the landlady of 
 the inn if she had any flambeaux, or could procure 
 any ? Being answered in the negative, he asked her 
 if she had any links ? " Aye, that I have, (said she) 
 and some as good aa his majesty, God bless him, 
 ever eat in all his life!" 
 
 I say ! 
 Dr. Sharp, of Hart Hall, Oxford, had a ridiculous 
 manner of prefacing everything he said with the 
 words I say. An under graduate having, as the doc- 
 tor was informed, mimicked him in this peculiarity, 
 he sent for him to give him a jobation, which he 
 thus began : — "I say, they say, you say I say, I say," 
 — whenfindingthe ridiculouscombination in which 
 his speech was involved, he concluded by bidding 
 him begone to his room, 
 
 A regular Irishism. 
 An Irish lieutenant being very ill, and almost 
 dead for want of rest, it was thought expedient to 
 give him an opiate. Whilst it was preparing, his 
 disorder being at a crisis, he fell into a profound 
 sleep. A friend and countryman, who had attended 
 him with the most unremitting care, seeing the state 
 he was in, shook him violently by the shoulder, ex- 
 claiming, " Arrah, my good friend, don't be after 
 sleeping now, but wait till you have taken your 
 sleeping stuff!" 
 
 R
 
 55^ A LARGE FAMILY. 
 
 Six-bottie Jack 
 
 Twenty-two clergymen of the Isle of Man, having 
 met on a political convocation, the subject to be 
 discussed proved so dry, that forty-four bottles of 
 claret were drunk in discussing it. Parson Jack 
 amused himself in arranging the empty bottles 
 round the room where the meeting was held. Some 
 
 Sickthank told the effects of this meeting to Bishop 
 [iidesley, who, being a very abstemious man, at the 
 next couvocation expatiated much on this horrid 
 excess, as he called it. During his harangue, the 
 eyes of the whole company were turned on Parson 
 Jack, as the subject of the bishop's admonition, as 
 he only mentioned things in goneral. Jackseeing 
 their mistake, loudly exclaimed, " You are mis- 
 taken, gentlemen — his lordship does not mean me ; 
 he speaks only of two bottles, and he very well knows 
 I am a siz bottle man." 
 
 A large family. 
 
 At the Hague is a church monument, where an 
 earl and lady are engraven with three hundred and 
 sixty-five children about them, which were all deli- 
 vered at one birth; the/ were half male, half fe- 
 male ; the two basons in which they were christened 
 hang still in the church, and the bishop's name who 
 did it, and the story of this miracle, with the year 
 and the day of the month is mentioned, which is not 
 yet two hundred years ago The story is as follows : 
 — That the countess walking about her door after 
 dinner, there came a beggar woman with two chil- 
 dren upon her back to beg alms ; the countess asking 
 whether those children were her own, she answered 
 she had them both at one birth, and by one father, 
 who was her husband. The countess would not only 
 not give her any alms, but reviled her bitterly, say- 
 ina it was impossible for one man to get two chil-
 
 FEMALE POLITICIAN. 389 
 
 dren at once. The beggar woman, being thns pro- 
 Yoked with ill words, and without alms, fell to im- 
 precations, that it should please God to shew his 
 ludgment upon her, and that she might bear at one 
 Dirth as many children as there be davs in the year, 
 which she did before the same year's end, having 
 never borne child before. 
 
 Love and beauty. 
 
 The dazzling rays of beauty may affect us like a 
 charm, but if they have nothing to support them, 
 their effects, like those of a fairytale, will soon va- 
 nish. And when this delusive fascination slips 
 from before our eyes, we shall find that we have 
 been caught by a thing as light ds air, without on* 
 single quality to fill the capacities of a sensible and 
 liberal mind; for as beauty decays, the image it im- 
 pressed wears out. True love is always disinterested, 
 always constant. Those whose fortunes are nearly 
 equal have the best chance for happiness. But, un- 
 fortunately, in this age, few pursue it in matrimonial 
 connexions ; and Flutus carries more to Hymen's 
 temple than Cupid. 
 
 Female politician. 
 A woman \n politics is like a monkey in a china 
 shop — she can do no good, and may do a great deal 
 of harm 
 
 Mason, tliepoei. 
 This gentleman was aeked to subscribe to the 
 poems of Mrs. Yearsley, the Rath Milkwoman. 
 " These poems, (said the person applying) are those 
 of a heaven-born genius in distress." Mr. Mason 
 gave five guineas, with this reply — " There's five 
 pounds fer her distress, and five shillings for her 
 iie»Ten-born genius. 
 
 R 2
 
 POWER OF SPEECH. 
 
 Wine and water. 
 
 A prior, having guests to dinner, caused liis ser- 
 vants to mingle water with the wine, that it might 
 go ihe farther, and perceiving one of the monks to 
 be very talkative, said unto him, " Brother, when 
 will your mill leave clacking?" "I cannot leave, 
 sir, (quoth the monk,) as long as you give it so much 
 water." 
 
 Power of speech. 
 A lawyer had taken away a cow from a poor man, 
 who complained thereof to the king. " 1 will hear 
 what he will say to the matter," said the king. 
 " Nay, my lord, (said the poor man) if you hear him 
 speak, then have I surely lost my cow indeed." 
 
 Importance of a comma. 
 In the priory of Ramessa there dwelt a prior that 
 was very liberal, and who caused these verses to be 
 written over his door; 
 
 " Be open evermore, O thou my door, 
 To none be shut, to honest or to poor." 
 But, after his death, there succeeded him another, 
 whose name was Raynhard, as greedy and covetous 
 as the other was bountiful and liberal, who kept the 
 same verses there still, changing nothing therein 
 but one point, which made them run after this man- 
 ner; — 
 
 " Be open evermore, O thou my door, 
 To none, be shut to honest or to poor." 
 Afterwards, being driven from thence for his ex- 
 treme niggardliness, it o^rew into a proverb, that for 
 one point Raynhard lost his priory."' 
 
 One way cf healing the sick. 
 On a timetherecameinto a saint's church so many
 
 SILENT COMPANION. 391 
 
 halt and lame people to be cured, that the priest 
 could not drive them forth. Then said the priest, 
 " Give me your staves, and I will heal you all." 
 And when he had them he sent for fire; and being 
 asked what he would do with it, he replied — " A^'hy 
 turn him that is most lame, that all the rest may be 
 healed with his ashes." When they heard this, they 
 all ran away. 
 
 Silent companion. 
 Two passengers set out from their inn in London 
 early on a December morn. It was very dark, and 
 one of them, not being sleepy, and wishing for i 
 little conversation, endeavoured, in the usual tra- 
 velling mode, to stimulate his neighbour to dis- 
 course. *' A very dark morning, sir. Shocking 
 cold weather for travelling. Slow going in these 
 heavy roads, sir." None of these questions produ- 
 cing a word of answer, the sociable man made one 
 more efTort. He stretched out his baud, and feeling 
 the other's habit, exclaimdd — " What a very com- 
 fortable coat, sir, you have got to travel in !" No 
 answer was made; and the ir.quirer, fatigued and 
 disgusted, fell into a sound nap, nor awoke until the 
 brightest rays of a winter's sun accounted to him 
 for the taciturnity of his comrade, by presenting to 
 his astonished view a large bear (luckily for him 
 muzzled and confined,) in a sitting posture, close 
 beside him! 
 
 The tidy boy. 
 When George the Third was once returning with 
 his queen from Egham races, a remarkably fine 
 child attracted his notice. " Whose son are you, 
 boy, eh?" enqnired his majesty, " My father is one 
 of the king's beefeaters," replied the little fello-jvr. 
 " Indeed! (exclaimed the monarch,) then down on 
 your kneea, sir, and you shall kiss the queen's
 
 392 Civility. 
 
 hand." " No, but I won't, though : because it 
 would dirt my new breeches I" 
 
 The wise churchwarden. 
 
 In a certain village in Yorkdhire a man and his 
 wife wer** quirrelling violently in the open streets 
 during servi^-e time on a Sunday, as the churchwar- 
 den was going his round. He quaintly observed, as 
 he took them into custody, " Whom God has joined 
 together, let no man put asunder,'' and very properly 
 placpd the wrangling and troublesome pair in the 
 stocks. 
 
 Civility. 
 
 A young gentleman was found asleep in the street 
 at an unseasonable hour. When brought before the 
 magistrate, he confessed that he had been tipsy. 
 " Young man, ycu should be very sorry." " I am 
 sorry." " You must be fined." Handing over the 
 money, ' I am fined," said he. 
 
 Bank notes. 
 
 A million of bank notes, placed one above ano- 
 ther, would form a pile 416 feet in height, which is 
 much higher than St. Pauls, and more than double 
 the height of the Monument. Supposing them to 
 be spread out, they would extend over 250,000 
 square feet- a space equal to the area of Grosvenor 
 Square, London. 
 
 Very laconic ejpitaph. 
 
 Here lies John Shore — 
 I say no more — 
 W*ho was alive 
 In sixty fire.
 
 TRALELLING BY STEAM. 393 
 
 Dezierity of a foreign pickpocktt. 
 A merchant being in the pit of a forei-n Opera 
 house, felt a movennent about his sides which led 
 him to suspect that his goid snufF-box was in dan- 
 ger, and immediately taking measures for ascertain- 
 ing whether it was safe, he found it was gone. See- 
 ing an ill-looking fellow very near him, he did not 
 hesitate to fix upon him as ihf thief. Immediately 
 seizing him by the arm, he whispered in his ear, not 
 wishing to occasion any tumult, and disturb the 
 performance — " You have taken my snuff-box — re- 
 store it this moment, or 1 will give you o\er to the 
 police-officers." " Sir, (replied the thief) pray do 
 not give an alarm, or I am undone; it is true I have 
 your box, but I am an unfortunate man in great dis- 
 tress, and humbly entreat of you to take your pro- 
 perty out of my pocket, and the persons around us 
 will know nothing of what has occurred." The 
 merchant kindly acced< d to this proposal — when the 
 fellow vociferated "pickpocket!" c-iiliiig on those 
 near him to observe that the hand of the merchant, 
 which he held fast, was in his pocket. The guard 
 came to the spot, and apprehended the accused 
 party, who of course protested his innocence, and 
 ultimately explained the nature of the trick which 
 had been practised upon him — but while he was on- 
 gaged in doing this, the thief glided through the 
 crowd, carrying the gold snuff-box with him." 
 
 Travelling by steam. 
 
 Old Plum one morning scratched his pate, 
 
 And quoth to Jane hi& spousy, 
 " Dwelling whole years in Cripplegate, 
 
 Makes one feel fat and frowsy ! 
 
 So, wench, that country air may blow 
 L'pon this fuatian iacket
 
 394 TRAVELLING BY STEAM. 
 
 To-morrow you and I will go 
 To Margate by the packet," 
 
 Quoth Mistress Plum—" Lai I did dream 
 
 We for a ship were looking — 
 And that we sail'd along by steam. 
 
 Such as the patent cooking. 
 
 La, me ! well Bridget strait shall come, 
 
 To Mistress Suds to hie her, 
 And fetch my muslin dresses home — 
 
 My poplin from the dyer." 
 
 Away went Mistress Plum with speed. 
 
 All in a monstrous fidget — 
 And with as quick a step, indeed, 
 
 Away ran humbler Bridget. 
 
 And from his chair then Old Plum rose, 
 Through his long warehouse bustling; 
 
 And soon put on his Sunday clothes, 
 And Mistress Plum her muslin. 
 
 And now from Cripplegate they bent 
 Their wa^t , through Cheapside flying. 
 
 And through transcendant Thames-street went 
 To where the boat was lying. 
 
 And flaunting now in streamers gay, 
 
 Her liquid course she urges, 
 'Mid clouds of smoke pursues her way, 
 
 And grinds the saucy surges. 
 
 Thefishps flew — the Lord knows where — 
 
 Scared by the fearful motion ; 
 And clouds of smoke soon dimm'd the air, 
 
 And darken'd all the ocean. 
 
 And Mr. Plum and his dear spouse, 
 W hum nought but death could sunder,
 
 TRATSLLING BY STEAM. 3f>5 
 
 Open'd their eyes, compress'd their brows, 
 And twirl'd their thumbs with wonder. 
 
 Eight hours had pass'd — the vpssel sped 
 
 Swift towards the destin'd haven : 
 And brandy arm'd the heart and head 
 
 Of every trembling craven. 
 
 Dut fate, who loveth fveqnently 
 
 To deal in frightfu' frolic, 
 Soon changed the universal glee 
 
 To universal cholic. 
 
 While dance the crew in merry reel, 
 
 Reckless of care and evil — 
 A loud explosion rends the keel, 
 
 And sends st to the devil! 
 
 Aloft the shatter'd timbers fly. 
 
 Whirling in rapid motion. 
 Dance a fandango in the sky, 
 
 And fall ag^in to ocean. 
 
 But Mister Plum and his dear wife, 
 
 Athwart the rudder striding — 
 Struggled most gallt^ntlv for life 
 
 Upon the billows riding. 
 
 Then quoth this frightrd citiz-n, 
 
 " This may be good intention, 
 Butyou'll not catch poor Plum aga.c 
 
 In your damned steam inventicii. 
 
 A simple ship will please me \7e.l, 
 
 With simple men to man it , 
 For i wish not to rush pell-mell 
 
 Into an airy planst. 
 
 I hfiveain'd with the lubber loon. 
 Just opposite the Star-j^a^r
 
 59b king's jesters^ 
 
 Not ior a voyage to the moon, 
 But for a trip to Margate." 
 
 Really brave. 
 During the late war eighty old German soldiers, 
 who after having long served under different mo- 
 narchs of Europe, had retired to America, and con- 
 verted their swords into ploughshares, voluntarily 
 formed themselves into a company, and distinguish- 
 ed themselves in various actions on the side of li- 
 berty. The captain was nearly one hundred years 
 old, and had been in the army forty years, and pre- 
 sent in seventeen battles. The drummer was nine- 
 ty-foar, and the youngest man in the corps on the 
 verge of seventy. Instead of a cockade, each man 
 wore a piece of black crape, as a mark of sorrow, for 
 being obliged at so advanced a period of life to bear 
 arms. " But, (said the veterans) we should be defi- 
 cient in gratitude if we did not act in defence of a 
 country which has afford^^d us a generous asylum, 
 and protected us from tyranny and oppression." 
 Such a band of soldiers never before appeared in a 
 field of battle. 
 
 King's jesters. 
 
 During the reign of Henry the Third, a crown was 
 given, by royal authority, to a person who made the 
 king laugh. 
 
 During the time of Edward the Third, an hearty 
 laugh cost the King four crowns* 
 
 When the same king was at Walmer, he paid 
 four crowns to Morris, then clerk of the kitchen, 
 because, when the king was hunting, he rode before 
 the king and often fell down from his horse, whereat 
 hio majesty laughed greatly. 
 
 A courtly hint. 
 One day, at the levee of Lonis the Fourteenth,
 
 FOOTE AND THE SCOLD. b97 
 
 th-it monarch asked a nobleman present how many 
 children he had, " Four, sire." Shortly afterwards 
 the king asked the same question. "Four, sire, 
 replied the nobleman. The same question was se^ 
 veral tinios repeated by the king, in the course oi 
 conversation, and the same answer given. At 
 length the king, asking once more the same ques- 
 tion, the nobleman replied that he had six. " U'hat! 
 (cried the king with surprise,) Si.x ! Whyyoutokl 
 me four just now '" " ,Siri\ (replied the courtier,) 
 it occurred to me your majesty would be tired of 
 hearing the same thing so often." 
 
 Sam Fovte and the scold. 
 Some Foote being scolded severely on some occa 
 sion by a lady of not the most agreeable temper 
 he replied—"! have heard of tartars and brirastones 
 dndby Jove, madam, you are the cream of the one. 
 and thn flower of the other." 
 
 K'^vel trager. 
 An English gentleman travelling in America,ha<? 
 his attention arrested by a singular contest betweer 
 a negro and the mule on which he was mounted 
 The indocile animal had thought proper to take ex- 
 ception to the carnage of the gentlpman which pre- 
 ceded him, and evinced a decided disinclination to 
 pass it: his rider, on the other hand, was as reso- 
 lute in his determination to effect a change in the 
 conduct of his beast. At length the gentleman 
 heard Blackey exclaim to the mule — "Me bet you a 
 fivopenny me make you go by dis time ;" then, nod- 
 ning his head, he 'added "Do you bet?" After 
 which, by means of some verv pressing arguments of 
 whip and spur, he succeeded in making the animal 
 pass the carriage. The gentleman, who had been 
 highly amused with ths scene, railed to the negro, 
 and (■ib«»^rved that though the wager had been laid,
 
 39S THE POETICAL PUMSTBm. 
 
 he did not see how payment could be obtained from 
 the mule. " Oh yes, (replied the black) Massa gire 
 me tenpenny for corn for him — he lose the bet, and 
 me only give him fivepenny." 
 
 Epitaph on a cross wife. 
 You're gone — and pray why should 1 cry ? 
 Ah, no ! no hypocrite am I, 
 You to me was most severe, 
 And often led me for to fear 
 That you would break my head and heart. 
 Till death did kindly bid us part — 
 Now, nothin? venture nothing gain, 
 So I'll a second spouse obtain. 
 
 Tlie land we live in. 
 An Irishman, in France, drinking with some com- 
 pany who proposed the toast, " The land we live in." 
 — " Ay, with all mv sowl, my dear, (said he,) here's 
 poor ould Ireland." 
 
 The poetical punstei. 
 
 Let merciless critics decrv a good pun, 
 
 And strangle the cause of such innocent fun; 
 
 Yet, though the brat's crook'd, I'm so fond of his 
 
 presence. 
 That, by jingo ! I've got him reduc'd to an essence. 
 Sing doodle duoi, doodle dum, doodle dum, dun. 
 Hey cockolorum jig — now for a pun. 
 If on a hearth rug you should happen to slip, 
 Say — " the path was so rii5--ged, 'twas that made me 
 
 trip." 
 
 Punning Peter one day, like poor Yorick of yore, 
 
 Was told that the table he kept in a roar ; 
 
 " Then, (said Ptter) this broken old flap I'ii Pot 
 
 hide— 
 Jt has rcar'd, I suppose, till it cra^k'd its old side.'
 
 THE POETICAL, PUNSTER. 399 
 
 Sine doodle dum, doodle dam, doodle dum, dun, 
 Hey cockolorutn jig — now for a pun 
 Let the ensign go boast of his banners and rags, 
 Pooh ! a Londoner ev'ry day walks upon flags I 
 
 'Tis a very badhabit, some folks say, to pun — 
 
 But a bad habit surely is better than none ; 
 
 And U icits go quite bare, they're but laugh'd at for 
 
 fools, 
 For being so sill / to play with edg'd tools. 
 Sing doodle dum, doodle dum, doodle dum, dun, 
 Hey cockolorum jig — now for a pun. 
 Sure the felou, uncensur'd, his fate may bewail — 
 When he sees only bars, why he surely may rail I 
 
 Peter Pun, at a party, one day was beset 
 
 By a jockey, who offer'd five guineas to bet, 
 
 That habit had put it quite out of his power 
 
 To remain without punning the space of an hour. 
 
 Sing doodle dum, doodle dum, doodle dum, dun, 
 
 Hey cockolorum jig — now for a pun. 
 
 You mav quarter th.e soldier as oft as you please. 
 
 For he lires best in quarters, aud most at his ease. 
 
 Peter thought to this bet he had better cry " done 1" 
 
 But candidly own'd, to steer clear of a pun. 
 
 He must shutclose his ears, and be silent as sle^p, 
 
 Or out the voung urchins would covtainly creep. 
 
 Sing doodle dum, doodle dum, doodle dum, dun — 
 
 Hev cockolorum jig — now for a pun. 
 
 Once a butcher caught hold of a thief by the shank, 
 
 Ptecover'd his buttock, and gave him a. flank ! 
 
 Peter nibbled his thumbs, Peter played with his 
 
 chin, 
 Resolv'd, if he could, the five guineas to win : 
 He walk'd to the window— he rubb'd up his locus, 
 He whistled, for there was a man in the stocks !
 
 400 THE MAGPIB. 
 
 Sing doodle dum, doodle dutn, doodle dum, dun, 
 Hey cockolorum jig — now for the pun . 
 Peter utter'd no sentence, to son or to doddy, 
 Butwhistled a ditty, coll'd " Through the wood, lad- 
 die .'" 
 
 " A pun ! oh, a palpable pun ! (cried the host) 
 
 Orif not a pun, it was surely its ghost." 
 
 •' 'Twas the essence, (cried Peter) and aptly you 
 
 caught it. 
 For, though I spoke not, yet I certainly thought it." 
 Sing doodle dum. doodle dum, doodle dum, dun. 
 Hey cockolorum jig— now for a pun. 
 This story [ carried a very great way — 
 It's not carried too far, if you wish it to stay. 
 
 Novel mode of settling a dispute. 
 An apothecary having refused to resign his seat 
 to an officer's lady, the officer feeling himself much 
 insulted sent him a challenge. The apothecary was 
 punctual at the meeting, but observed, that never 
 having been accustomed to fire, he proposed a U'W 
 way of settling the dispute. He then drew from his 
 pocket a pill -box, and taking from thence two pills, 
 thus addressed his antagonist; — "As a man of ho- 
 nour you certainly would not wish to fitrht me on 
 unequal terms; now here are two pills— one com- 
 posed of the most deadly poison, the other perfectly 
 harmless — we are therefore on equal ground if we 
 each swallow one — take your choice .''' It is almost 
 needless to add, that the affair was settled by a hearty 
 laugh. 
 
 The Magpie, or Bad Company. 
 Tet others with poetic fire, 
 In raptures praise tlve tuneful choir. 
 The Linnet, Chaffinch, Goldfinch, Thrush, 
 And ev'ry warbler of the bush ;
 
 THE MAGPIE. 401 
 
 I sing the mimic magpie's fame, 
 
 In wicker cage, well fed and tame. 
 
 In Fleet Street dwelt in days of yore, 
 
 A jolly tradesman named Tom Moore — 
 
 Gen'rous and open as the day, 
 
 But passionatftly fond of play; 
 
 No sounrls to him such sweets afford 
 
 As dice-box, rattUng o'er the board ; 
 
 Bewitching hazard is the gam" 
 
 For which he forfeits health and fame. 
 
 In basket prison hung on high, 
 With dappled coat and watchful eye, 
 A fav'rite magpie sees the play. 
 And mimics every word they say. 
 " Lord, how he nicks us!" Tom Moore cries — 
 " Lord, how he nicks us '" Mag replies. 
 The astonish'd gamesters lift their eyes, 
 And wondering stare, and look around. 
 As doubtful whence proceed the sound. 
 
 This dissipated life, of course. 
 Soon brought poor Tom from bad to worse; 
 Nor prayers nor promises prevail 
 To keep him from a dreary jail. 
 
 And now between each hear'-felt sigh, 
 Tom oft exclaims, " Bad company I" 
 Poor Mag, who shares his master's fate, 
 Exclaims from out his wicker gate — 
 " Bad company 1 Bad company !" 
 Then views poor Tom with curious eye, 
 And cheers his master's wretched hours 
 By this display of mimic pow'rt.; 
 The imprison'd bird, though much carcf «'d. 
 Is still by anxious care oppress'd ; 
 In silence mourns its cruel fate. 
 And oft explores his riison gate.
 
 402 
 
 THE MAGPIE. 
 
 Observe, through life you'll ahvays find 
 A fellow-feeling makes us kind ; 
 So Tom resolves immediately 
 To give poor Mag his liberty' ; 
 Then opes hiscage, and with a sigh, 
 Takes one fond Icok and lets him fly. 
 
 Now Mag, once more with freedom b1o£t. 
 Looks round to find a place of rest; 
 To '] emp!e Gardens wings his way, 
 There | erches on a neighbouring spray. 
 
 The Gard'ner now, with busy cares, 
 A curious seed for grass prepares; 
 Vet spite of all his toils and pain. 
 The hungry birds devour the grain. 
 A curious net hedoos prepare. 
 And lightly spreads the wiiy snare — 
 The feather'd plunderers com<^ in view 
 And Mag soon joins i:he thievish crew. 
 
 The watchful Gardener now stands by 
 V* ith nimble hand and wary eye. 
 The birds begin their stol'n repast, 
 The flying net secures them fast. 
 The vengeful clown quite full of ire, 
 Does to a neighb'ring shed retire. 
 And having first secur'd the doors 
 And window, next the net explores. 
 
 Now, in revenge for plunder'd seed. 
 Each felon he resolves shall bleed, 
 Then twists their little necks around, 
 And casts them lifeless on the ground. 
 Mag, who with man was used to herd. 
 Knew something more than common bird- 
 He therefore watch'd with anxious care, 
 Andflipp'd himself from out ihe snare.
 
 THE ISLAND. 403 
 
 Snug perch'd on a nail remote from the ground. 
 Observes ho\v deaths are dealt around. 
 
 " Lord, how he nicies us !" Maggy cries, 
 The astonish'd Gard'ner lifts his eyes — 
 With faltering voice and panting breath. 
 Exclaims " Who's there ?" All still as death. 
 
 His murderous work he does resume. 
 And casts his eye around the room 
 With caution — and at length doos spy 
 The Magpie, perch'd on nail so high ! 
 The wondering clown, from what lie heard 
 Beli(?ves him something more than bird — 
 With fear impress'd, does now retreat 
 Towards the door with trembling feet ; 
 Then says — " Thy name I do implore ?" 
 The rexdy bird replies — " Tom Moore I" 
 
 " O Lord !" the frighted clown replies, 
 With hair erect, and staring eyes : 
 Half opening then the hovel door, 
 He asks the bird one question more. 
 " What brought you here ?" With quick reply. 
 Sly Mag rejoins — " Bad company I' 
 
 Out jumps tne Gard'ner in a friglit, 
 And runs away with all his might; 
 And, as he runs, impress'd with dread, 
 Exclaims " The devil's in the shed !" 
 The wondrous tale a bencher hears, 
 And sooths the man and quells his fears — 
 Gets Mag secured in wicker cage, 
 Once mere to spend his little rage: 
 In Temple Hall now hung on high, 
 Mag oft exclaims " Bad Company !" 
 
 TJie island. 
 If the authcr of the Irish M^lMies hart evr-r had
 
 404 
 
 THE ISLAND. 
 
 a little isle so much his own as I have possessed, he 
 might not have found it so sweet as the song antici- 
 pates. It has been my fortune, like Robinson Cru- 
 sue and Alexander Selkirk, to be thrown on such a 
 desolate spot, and I felt so lonely, though I had a 
 follower, that I wish Moore had been there. 
 
 I had the honour of being in that tremendous ac- 
 tion of Finisterre, whicii piovedan end of the earth 
 to many a brave fellow. I was ordered with a board- 
 ing party to forcibly enter the SantissimaTrinidada, 
 but in the act of climbing into the quarter-gallery, 
 which however gave no quarter, was rebutted by the 
 butt end of a marine's gun, who remained the quar- 
 ter-master of the place. I fell senseless into the 
 sea, and should no doubt have perished in the waters 
 of oblivion, but for the kindness of John Monday, 
 who picked me up to go adrift with him in one of 
 the ship's boats. All our oars were carried away — 
 that is to say, we did not carry away any oars — and 
 while shot was raining, our feeble hailing was un- 
 heeded. As Shakspeare says, we were drifted off 
 by " the current of a heady fight." 
 
 As may be supposed, our boat was anything but 
 a jolly boat, for we had no provisions to spare in the 
 middle of an immense waste. We were adrift in 
 the cutter, with nothing to cut. VVe had not even 
 junk for junketing, and nothing but salt-water, even 
 if the wind should blow fresh. 
 
 Famine now seemed to stare each of us in the face ; 
 that is, we stared at one another — but if men turn 
 cannibals, a great allowance must be made for a 
 short ditto. We were truly in a very disagreeable 
 pickle, with oceans of brine and no beef, and, like 
 Shylock, I fancy we would have exchanged a pound 
 of gold for a pound of flesh The more we drifted 
 Nor, the more sharply we inclined to gnaw — but 
 when we drifted Sow, we found nothing like pork. 
 No br<?ad rose in the east, and in the opposite point
 
 THF. ISLAND 4l)5 
 
 we were equally disappointed. We could not coir, 
 pass a meal any how, but got mealy-mouthed not- 
 withstanding. We could see the Sea mews to the 
 eastward, flying over what Byron calls the Gardens 
 of Gull. We saw plenty of Grampus, but they 
 were useless to all intents andporpusses, and we had 
 no bait for catching a bottle-nose 
 
 Time hung heavily on our hands, for our fast daya 
 seemed to pass very slowly, and our strength was ra« 
 pidly sinking from being so much afloat. Still we 
 nourished Hope, though we had nothing to give 
 her. But at last we lost all prospect of land, if one 
 may so say when no land was in sight. The weather 
 got thicker as we were getting thinner — and though 
 we kept a sharp watch, it was a very bad look-out. 
 To our sorrow we could see nothing before us but 
 nothing to eat and drink. 
 
 At last the fog cleared off, and we saw something 
 like land right a-head, but the wind was in our teeth 
 as well as our stomachs. We conld do nothing but 
 keep her near, and as we could not keep ourselves 
 full, we suited the course of the boat, so that after a 
 tedious beating about — for the wind not only g'ves 
 blows, but takesa great deal of beating — we cam*; ti 
 an island. 
 
 Here we landed, and our first impulse on coming 
 to dry land was to drink. There was a little brook 
 at hand to which we applied ourselves till it seemed 
 actually to murmur at our inordinate thirst. Out 
 next care was to lock for some food, for though our 
 hearts were full at our escape, the neighbouring re- 
 gion was dreadfully empty. 
 
 We succeeded in getting some natives outof theit. 
 bed, and ate them, poor things, as fast as they got 
 up, but with some difficulty in getting them open— 
 a common oyster knife would hare been worth th« 
 price of h sc<^ptre ! 
 
 Our next concern was to look out for a lodgmj^
 
 406 
 
 »HB ISLAND. 
 
 and at last we discovered an empty cave, remindinir 
 Kie ot an old inscription at Portsmouth—" The hole 
 of this place to let." We took the precaution of 
 roiling some great stones to the entrance, for fear of 
 lastlo< gers— that some bear might come home from 
 business, or a tiger to tea. Here, under the rock 
 we slept without rocking, and when, through the 
 night s failing, the day broke, we saw with the first 
 instalment of light thai we were upon a small desert 
 isle, now for the first time an Isle of Man. 
 
 The birds in this wild solitude were so litcle wild 
 that a number of boobies and noddies allowed 
 themselves to betaken by hand, though the asses 
 were not such asses as to be caught. There was an 
 abundance of rabbits which wechasedunremittinglv 
 —and when coats and trowsersfell short we clothed 
 our skins with theirs, till, as Monday said, we each 
 represented a burrow. 
 
 In this work Monday was the tailor, for like the 
 maker of shadowy rabbits and cocks upon the wall 
 he could turn his hand to anything. He became a 
 potter, a carpenter, a butcher, and a baker— that is 
 to say, a master butcher and a master bak«r for I 
 became merely his journeyman. Reduced to 'a state 
 of nature-Monday's favourite phrase for our con- 
 dition— I found my being an officer fulfilled no of- 
 fice ; to confess the truth, I made a very poor sort 
 of savage, whereas Monday 1 am persuaded would 
 have been made a chief by any tribe whatever Our 
 situations in life became completely reversed He 
 became the leader and I the follower: or rather to 
 do justice to his attachment and ability, he bec-'imp 
 hke a strong big brother to a poor and helpless little 
 
 We remained m a state of nature five years, when 
 a last a whaler of Hull-though the hull was not vi^ 
 ,1b.,-. showed her masts on the horizon, an ev.nt 
 which was telegraphed by Monday, who began say-
 
 ANECDOTE OF CREBILLON. 4J7 
 
 iDghi8 prayers and dancing the College Hornpipe 
 at the same time with equal fervour. W'e contrived 
 by lighting afire — literally afeu-de-joie — to make a 
 sign of distress, and a boat came to our signal deli- 
 verance. 
 
 We had a prosperous passage home, where the 
 reader may anticipate the happiness that a%vaited ua 
 — but not the trouble that was in store forme and 
 Monday. 
 
 Our parting was entirely out of the question — we 
 would both rather have parted from our sheet an- 
 chor. We attempted to return to our relative rank, 
 but we had lived so loug in a land of liberty and 
 equality that we could never resume our grades. 
 The state of nature remained uppermost with us 
 both, and Monday still watched over and tended me 
 like Dominie Sampson with the boy Harry Ber- 
 tram ; go where 1 would he folloiV'ed with the dog- 
 ged pertinacity of Tom Pipes ; aud do what I might 
 he interfered with the resolute vigour of John Dory 
 in Wild Oats 
 
 This disposition involved us daily in the most em- 
 barrassing circumstances; and hew the connexion 
 might have terminated I know not, if it had not 
 been speedily dissolved in a very unexpected man' 
 ner. One morning poor Monday was found on his 
 bed in a sort of convulsion, which barely enabled 
 him to grasp my hand, and to falter out — "Good 
 bye — I am go — going — back — to a — to a state of na- 
 ture." 
 
 Anecdote cf Crebilloru 
 Crebillon was uufortunate in his family. His- 
 wife was suspected af infidelity, and his son was li- 
 centious in his writings and in his conduct. His 
 enemies gave out that his plays were wriiter. by a 
 brother of his who was aclergyman. Asa j: ;*->jf of 
 this, they said that his brother at his death had fi-
 
 ^8 A woman's man. 
 
 nished four acts of Catiline, and that Crebillon him- 
 self was obliged to add the fifth, which is very infe- 
 rior to the rpst, and condemned the play. One day 
 he was saying in a company in which his son was 
 present — " I have done two things in my life which 
 I shall always repent — my Catiline and my son." 
 " And yet, sir, (said his son) there are many per- 
 sons who confidently affirm that you are the author 
 oi neither "' 
 
 An altered epitaph. 
 
 In on-j of the metropolitan church yards an epi- 
 taph on a grave-stone, of rather a recent date, com- 
 mences thus: — 
 
 " Here flesh will rest till resurrection day." 
 
 Some wag wrote immediately underneath the fol- 
 lowing line :— 
 
 " Not if the resurrection men do come this way." 
 
 A woman's man. 
 The following is exhibited in a shoe shop in Ca- 
 vendish Street, Brighton : — " Wanted here, a re- 
 spectable teaman's man." In another part of the 
 town — " Lodgings for genteel young men, who are 
 taken in and done for." 
 
 Never left the port. 
 A party of bon vivants dining together at Brighton 
 one of them became so ardent in his sacrifices to 
 Bacchus, that he did not quit the table till Aurora 
 again had gilded the East. One of his friends? 
 meeting him in the course of the follow'ng day, sa- 
 luted him with — " Well, Mr. , so you were half 
 
 Mas over last night." " No, (he very wittily replied) 
 ttat cannot possibly be true : for I can assure you 
 for a fact, that I never left the Port till this morn- 
 ing."
 
 THE M£RCHANT TAILORS. 4*fi 
 
 Silk cannot be worsted. 
 ** So, Captain Silk has arrived at Versailles," said 
 a lady. "Heavens! what a name for a soldier." 
 " The best name in the world, (said a wit) for rilk, 
 you know, can never be worsted." 
 
 Tlie Merchant Tailors. 
 Sam Foote was one day invited to dine at Mer- 
 chant Tailors' Hall, and so well pleased was he with 
 the entertainment, that he sat till the chief part of 
 the company had left the ball. At length, rising, 
 he said — " Gentlemen, I wish you both a very good 
 night." " Both ! (exclaimed one of the company) 
 why \ ou must be drunk, Foote — here are twenty of 
 us." " I have been counting you, and thereare just 
 eigliteen — and a,s nine tailors make a man, I'm right, 
 8o I wish you both a very good night." 
 
 A volcanic pun. 
 A few days ago a party were speaking of their late 
 visit to Naples, when the conversation turned upon 
 the great fall of V^esuvius into the interior of the 
 volcano, which took place a few years ago. The 
 event, it was observed, must have caused intense 
 alarm to the Neapolitans. "Very likely it might 
 so, (said a gentleman present;) it would, however, 
 havebeen a kind ofthing which the Irish would have 
 enjoyed.' ' " How so ?" said his astonished hearers. 
 " Because, (said he) all Irishmen delight in a drop 
 of the cratur." 
 
 George Bod.ens and the Chairman. 
 George Bodeos a well known character of the 
 time, was enormously bulky, and, on leaving one of 
 the clubs in St. James's Street, he had called a sedan 
 chair, and juat as he was entering it a nobleman 
 who wag getting into his carriage teeing him, called
 
 410 THE APPLE DUMPLINGS. 
 
 to him and said he would gire him a cast home. 
 Bodens then left the chair, and gave the chairman a 
 shilling. "What! no more, your honour ?" said 
 the chairman. " Why, (said Bodens) I did not en- 
 ter your chair." "Ah! but consider the fright, 
 plase your honour." 
 
 The apple dumplings. By Peter Pindar. 
 Once on a time a monarch tired with whooping, 
 Whipning and spurring, 
 Happy in worrying 
 A poor defenceless harmless buck, 
 (The horse and rider wet as muck) 
 From his high consequence and wisdom stooping, 
 Enter'd through curiosity a cot, 
 Where sat an old woman and her pot. 
 
 The wrinkled, blear-eyed, good old granny, 
 In this same cot illuni'd by many a cranny. 
 
 Had finish'd apple- dumplings for her pot : 
 In tempting row the naked dumplings lay, 
 Whenlo! the monarch — inhis usualway — 
 
 Like lightning spoke — " What's this ? what's 
 this? what? what?" 
 
 Then taking up thodumplingin his hand, 
 His eyes with admiration did expand, 
 
 And oft did majesty the dumpiinjj grapple. 
 ••Tis monstrous — monstrous hard, indeed!" he 
 
 cried — 
 •* "What makes it pray so hard?" The dame re- 
 plied. 
 Low curtseying — " Please your majesty, the ap- 
 ple." 
 
 •« Very astonishing, indeed ! strange thing"'— 
 TTurningthe dnmp'ing round — rejoin'dtht king) — 
 *' 'Tis most extraordinary then all' this is — 
 It beats Pinelli's conjuring^ajl to pieces.
 
 *OR»tyifATE DBPBCT. 411 
 
 Strange I should never of dumpling dream ! 
 
 But goody, tell me where, where, where's the 
 
 seam 
 
 " Sir, there's no seam, (quoth she) — I never knew 
 That folks did apple dumplings sew !" 
 " No I (cried the staring monarch with a grin.) 
 Then how — how, how the devil got the apple in ?" 
 
 On which the dame the curious scheme reveal'd, 
 By which the apple lay so sly conceal'd; 
 
 Which made the Solomon of Britain start ! 
 Who to the palace with full speed repair'd. 
 And queen and princesses so beauteous scared, 
 
 All with the wonders of the dumpling art ! 
 
 There did he labour all one week to show 
 
 The wisdom of an apple dumpling maker ; 
 And lo ' so deep w as majesty in dough, 
 The palace seem'd the lodging of a baker. 
 
 Personality. 
 An eccentric actor once concluded & somewhat 
 personal story by saying, "I will not mention the 
 gentleman's name, because he is now Chancellor of 
 the Exchequer y 
 
 Durable material. 
 Matthew Lansberg used to say — " If you wish to 
 have a shoe made of durable materials, you should 
 make the upper leather of the mouth of a hard 
 drinker, for that never lets in water." 
 
 The fortunate defect. 
 " How like i^ this picture — you'd think that it 
 breathes. What life — what expression — what spi- 
 rit. It wants but a tongue. "Alas! (said the 
 spouse,) that want is its principal merit."
 
 412 THINGS RETERSBD. 
 
 How to get on at sea. 
 Take a party of ladies with you, and theyT.. oe 
 sure to kick np abreeze ■ 
 
 Tilings reversed. 
 
 The wife of Dr. C innocently solicited ner 
 
 husband to allow her to hear his lectures. " No, 
 sweet, (answered he) I have not the least desire to 
 reverse matters." 
 
 Irish questioning. 
 
 Sir John Fielding gave a striking instance of this 
 in the case of an Irish fellow who was brought be- 
 fore him when sitting as a magistrate at Bow Street. 
 He was desired to give some account of himself, and 
 where became from. Wishing to pass for an En- 
 glishman, he said he came from Chester. This he 
 pronounced with a very rich brogue, which caught 
 the ears of Sir John. "Why, were you ever in 
 Chester ?" says he. " To be sure I was, (said Pat) 
 wasn't I horn there .'"' " How dare you, (said Sir 
 John Fielding) with that brogue, which shows that 
 you are an Irishman, pretend to have been born in 
 Chester?" " I didn't say I was born there. I only 
 asked your honour whether I was or not ?" 
 
 Retort connnbiah 
 A termagant told her spouse that she believed be 
 was related to the devil. '• Only by marriage," was 
 his reply. 
 
 Anecdote of Sheridan. 
 Kelly havingto perform an Irish character, John- 
 stone took great pains to instruct him in the brogue, 
 but with so little euccpss, that Sheridan said on en- 
 tering the green room at the conclusion of the play,
 
 TMB WOODEM LEG. 413 
 
 •• Biaro, Kelly ! I never heard you speak such ex- 
 cellent English in all my life." 
 
 Answer to the challenge of a duellist. 
 1 hare two objections to this matter — the one is, 
 lest I should hirtyou; and the other is, lest you 
 shouidhurt me. I do not see any good it would do 
 me to put a bullet through your body. 1 could 
 make no use of you when dead for any culinary pur- 
 pose, as I couid a rabbit or a turkey. I am no 
 cannibal, to feed on the flesh of man — why then 
 shoot a human creature of which I could make no 
 use? A buffalo would be better meat— for though 
 your flesh might be delicate and tender, yet it wants 
 that firmness and consistency which takes and re- 
 tains salt. You might make a good barbecue it is 
 true, being of the nature of a racoon or an oppossum 
 — but people are not in the habit of barbacueing 
 anything human now. As to your hide, it is not 
 worth taking off", being little better than that of an 
 old colt. As to myself, I don't like much to stand 
 in the way of anything harmful. Being under ap- 
 prehensions you might hurt me, it is most advisable 
 for me to stay at a distance ; and if you want to try 
 your pistols, take some object — a tree, or a barn 
 door — about my dimensions: if you hit that, send 
 me word, and I shall at once acknowledge that if I 
 had been in the same place you might also have hit 
 me. 
 
 The wooden leg. 
 A lady andher son were standing in the church of 
 St. Eustache, when the latter, seeing a soldier who 
 had suS'ered amputation, exclaimed " Oh, mother ! 
 do you see that gentleman without a leg ?" " My 
 son, (replied the mother) do you not perceive that 
 he wears it in his button-hole?" pointing to the de
 
 414 A DIALOGUE. 
 
 corations which he wore, and which had been be- 
 Btowed upon him by his sovereign for his acts of 
 daring and bravery. 
 
 The last charge. 
 The ruling passion, strong in death, was most for- 
 cibly exemplified in the last moments of Lord Ten- 
 terden. His lordship it is well known was a great 
 snuff taker. A very short time before his dissolu- 
 tion, having his snuff box close by his bedside, he 
 raised himself from his pillow without assistance 
 into a half-reclining position, took a pinch of snuff 
 from the box, and shutting the lid, composedly 
 
 said, " Gentlemen of the Jury, you will find '* 
 
 His lordship almost instantly fell back, and spoke 
 no more. 
 
 Sir Walter Scott and Hogg, 
 Upon one occasion the Ettrick Shepherd, with the 
 true waywardness of a poet, took umbrage at Sir 
 Walter Scott for some imaginary slight or neglect, 
 and refused for a long time to speak to him. The 
 worthy baronet knew his man, and said nothing till 
 Hogg's better feelings re-awakened, and induced 
 him to write a long explanatory and apologetic let- 
 ter. Sir Walter's answer was highly characteristic. 
 *' Dear Jamie — Now that you have come to your 
 senses, come over to your dinner. Yours, Walter 
 Scott." 
 
 A dialogue. 
 Master. You damned rascal, why don't you answer 
 the bell ? T have rung it seven times. 
 
 Servant. Lord, sir ! I declare I only heard it ring 
 
 A lady's colours. 
 "Your colours ure very glaring," said a lady who
 
 ONE LETIER. 415 
 
 Bwidsnilj used the white and red upon her cheeks, 
 to Sir Thomas Lawrence one day. " Madam, (re- 
 plied he) we buy our colours at the same shop." 
 
 A gentleman siceep. 
 A crowd gathered a few days since about the 
 house of a chimney-sweeper who lives in Camden 
 Town, and who has a small garden before his door. 
 Curiosity had attracted them, for the dingy tenant 
 appeared with his everyday complexion, and a white 
 smock frock thrown over his professional habili- 
 ments, and he was busily engaged in clipping the 
 grass with a pair of shears. When he raised his 
 head to sneeze, the crowd laughed heartily at the 
 singular figure before them, " ^^ hy, you warmint, 
 (said the sweep to the vulgar people) what are you 
 looking arter ? It an't no novelty for to see a gen- 
 tleman cultiwate his own grass and wegetables, is 
 it?" 
 
 One letter. 
 A letter was lately found, in which one friend 
 spoke so freely of another that it led to an irrecon- 
 cilable quarrel. " 1 am surprised, (observed W.) 
 that suchbitter hostility should arise out of so trivial 
 a cause." " I am not at all, (replied J, ;) it is quite 
 natural; for 2i friend becomes a fiend if you drop a 
 letter." 
 
 Tom Clark. 
 
 Tom Clark, of St John's, desired a fellow of the 
 samecollege to lend him Bishop Burnpt's History 
 of the Reformation; the other told him he could not 
 possibly spare it out of his chambers, but if he 
 pleased, he might come there and read it all day 
 long. Some time after the same gentleman sentto 
 Tom to borrow his bellows. Tom sent him word
 
 ^^6 TOM ASHE. 
 
 hecouid not possibly spare them ont ofhii ekam- 
 bers, but he might come and blow all day lohg it he 
 would. 
 
 Mischievous thought. 
 
 The great Earl of Peterborough, renowned for his 
 sense, whim, and wit. once suddenly leaped out of 
 chariot, on seeing a dancing master with a pair of 
 pearl-coloured silk stockings on, lightly stepping 
 in his thin pumps with red heels over the bioad 
 Btones and picking his way, in extremely dirty wea- 
 ther. His lordship, drawing his sword, ran after the 
 affrighted man, who fled regardless of the mud, into 
 ■which his lordship also ran laughing, to drive the 
 other through it. 
 
 Tom A inc. 
 Tom Ashe was a facetious, pleasant companion, 
 bat the most eternal unwearied punster that ever 
 ived. He was thick and short in his person, being 
 not above five feet high at the most, and had some- 
 thing very droll in his appearance. He died about 
 the year 1719, and left his whole estate, about a 
 thousand pounds a-year, to Richard Ashe, of Ash- 
 field, Esq. 
 
 There is a highly whimsical story, and a very 
 irne one, of Tom Ashe, which is well remembered 
 to this day. It happened that while he was tra- 
 velling on horseback, and at a considerable dis- 
 tance from any town, there burst from the clouds 
 such a torrent of rain as wetted him through. He 
 galloped forward, and as soon as he came to an inn, 
 he was instantly met by a waiter' " Here, (said he 
 to the fellow, stretching out one of his arms) taki^ 
 off my coat immediately." " No, sir, I won't,'' scid 
 the waiter. " Confound you ! (said Tom) take oft 
 mv coat thic instant," " No, sir ; (replied the
 
 JfATIONAL FREJUDICS. 417 
 
 waiter) f dare not takeoff four coat, for it is felony 
 to strip an Ash.' 
 
 Downright rain. 
 A gentle sprinkle of rain happening, a ploughboy 
 left his work and went home, but his master seeing 
 him there, told him he should not have left his work 
 for so trifling an affair, and begged for the future he 
 would stay till it rained cZownrig/t^ Some time af- 
 terwards, upon a very rainy day, the boy stayed till 
 dusk, and returned almost drownad His master 
 asked him why he did not come before? " 'Why 1 
 should, (said the boy) but you zed I shouldn't come 
 hoam vore itrained downright; and it has not rained 
 dnvmright yet, for it was quite aslaunt all the whole 
 day long." 
 
 National prejudice. 
 An Englishman and Dutchman disputing about 
 their different countries, the Dutchman said — 
 " Your country thinks of nothing but guttling, and 
 even the names of your places have reference to it. 
 You have your Portsmouths, your Plymou^'is, your 
 'Da.Ttmouths, your Yarmonths, your F&\moiiths, your 
 F.xmouths, and you are all mouths together." " Ay, 
 (replies the Englishman) and you have your Am- 
 eterdams, and your Rotterdams, and damn you alto- 
 gether, say I." 
 
 The lawyer and the Jeio. 
 
 One day, as a solicitor was passing through Lin- 
 coln's inn, with his professional bag under his arm, 
 he was accosted by a Jew with " Clothes to sell old 
 clothes !" The lawyer somewhat nettled at this 
 address, from a supposition that Moses mistook him 
 for an inhabitant of Duke's Place, snatched a bundle 
 of papers Trom their damask repository, and hastily
 
 418 THB HAUNTED SHIP. 
 
 replied — *• No, sir, you are quite wrong — they are 
 all new suits." 
 
 Consolation, 
 " I'll follow thy fortune," a termagant cries, 
 
 Whose extravagance caused ev'ry evil. 
 *' That were some consolation," the husband re 
 plies, 
 " For my fortune has gone to tlie devil /" 
 
 The haunted ship. 
 
 Sailors are called superstitious. Perhaps they are 
 over-credulou3 in omens, for they live upon a 
 changeful element, where mutations are often pre- 
 ceded by signs. 
 
 Solitude in the midst of sublime scenes inclines 
 all minds to superstition : it is so easy when sur- 
 rounded by the wonders of the material world, to add 
 a few gratuitous marvels to the invisible. Hence 
 highlanders, as well as sailors, passing life amid 
 whirlwinds, avalanches, and that cieator of strange 
 things, a mountain mist, believe in '• more things in 
 heaven and earth, than are dreamt of in your philo- 
 sophy." 
 
 I was myself a sailor for eighteen hard years of 
 my life — tempest tossed, wrecked, and rescued till I 
 abandoned the treacherous element that has such 
 analogy with hope. When I left the realmsof Nep- 
 tune, it was to make a timid lodgement in the sunny 
 borders of Apollo. In other words, I became a citi- 
 zen of the Republic of Letters, and have for many 
 winters been the acceptable instructor of the village 
 school. 
 
 In all that time at sea 1 must have acquired the 
 suilor's readiness to believe what is mysterious, if 1 
 have escaped the faith of believing a thing because 
 it is impossible. Some faith a man must have in in-
 
 THE HAUNTED SHIP. 419 
 
 visible things. It is implanted in him fordevotion, 
 though it is at the same time apart of welj-directed 
 reason. It, however, becomes superstitious when 
 placed upon what has no existence. Men believe, 
 generally, as others believe around them — the fa- 
 tigue of Thinking has less attraction than the charm 
 of credulity. Perhaps I might have been a fire 
 worshipper in Persia, or a hermit in Spain. With 
 all our individual reason, we yet believe, as the 
 warlike corporal argued, " by platoons." Hence it 
 requires a mind of no common mould to be in ad- 
 vance of its age and country. 
 
 Yet with all our alacrity to credit wonders, havmg 
 once seen, we reduce them to the grade of common 
 occurrences, or explain them always so that the fact 
 is Sf^parated from the mystery 
 
 In my first voyage before the mast, in a sulphu- 
 rous gale off the Cape of Good Hope, our crew had, 
 as we conceived, a glimpse at the Flying Dutch- 
 man; or, at any rate, at the dim and dusky figure 
 of a ship moving directly against the wind, unless 
 there were two currents of air ; for we were run- 
 ning before the wind in an opposite direction eleven 
 knots an hour. Yet as man is a reasoning animal, 
 we had convinced ourselves when the next sun rose 
 upon the waters, that we had spen but a cloud, or 
 had been altogether deluded by fancy. Truly philo- 
 sophy, as well as revelation teaches, that had one 
 been sent from the dead to warn the wicked bro- 
 thers of Dives, they would not have believed the 
 messenger. 
 
 On another voyage I beheld a spectre, as plainly 
 as ever I saw myself in a glass, and more distinctly 
 than man ever saw his shadow in the sun. I had 
 been unlucky or unwise; had spent all my gain&in 
 Palermo, when 1 was fain to work the passage home- 
 in the responsible office rf cook's mate — responsible, 
 for I might have poisoned the whole crew ; and au 
 s 3-
 
 420 THE HAUNTED SHIP- 
 
 far as bad coffee went, I have something to answer 
 for. There was among the sailors a sort of sup- 
 pressed belief that the ship was unlucky, if not 
 haunted by the spirit of a Maltese sailor, who had 
 been cruelly murdered in his hammock bv a re- 
 vengeful Sicilian. 
 
 One still night, near Cape de Gat, while the sea 
 was as calm as a mill-pond, the whole democracy of 
 the forecastle was collected under the bow of the 
 longboat, conversing in rude phraseology upon me- 
 taphysical things, i related my story of theFlying 
 Dutchman, and others had seen more hideous and 
 frightful sights ; yet there were sturdy sceptics who 
 would believe no eyes but their own. The captain, 
 who been listening to us, now spoke aud counselled 
 us to speak lower, if we must talk of spirits ; for 
 that there might be other things on board than had 
 signed the ship's papers 
 
 This remark made us look grave, and we soon be- 
 held what made us shrink tog-Hher like chickens at 
 the shadow of a hawk. A fignre with a face pale as 
 marble, raised its head slowly above the bows, be- 
 tween us and the moon, and then as slowly de- 
 scended! 
 
 Our crew was as brave as any other, and would 
 meet without fear any peril from material agents 
 that should threaten only limb and life, but this 
 was a sight that shook the most hardy. 
 
 Sbortlv the same dusk and awful figure rose to- 
 wards the sky, appearing like a man wrapped in a 
 shroud, and standing on the incorporeal air. A 
 shriek then shot an icy coldness through the veins 
 of the listeners. Words cannot convey a descrip- 
 tion of the sound — it expressed rage, pain, and sot 
 row. The figure then descended, and was seen no 
 more. 
 
 For many succeeding nights one would have 
 thought our sailors the most loving crew that ever>
 
 THE HAUNTED SHIP. 421 
 
 hauled a rope. They were inseparable. They went 
 aloft in pairs, and below in squads. They were as 
 exemplarj in speech, and there was not aii oath ut- 
 tered till the next gale of wind. 
 
 The captain wore a grim smile that curled up his 
 whiskers whenever the ghost was mentioned : but 
 he was not of a temperament to give a soft answer 
 loan idle question. f, however, made some disco- 
 veries without his aid. 
 
 Ransacking his private oabin for a box of olives, 
 1 came upon a plaster bust of a Roman Emperor — 
 Galba, it would appear ; for he was bald, and with a 
 nose to which the Duke of "Wellington's is but a 
 bug. There was a small cord around the neck, and 
 a sheet sewed around it, so that Galba looked, in- 
 deed, like a Roman in his toga. There was also 
 another line which had a handful of hairs, such as 
 grew upon thetail of the ship's cat — an especial jrood 
 mouser, of an iron grey colour, weighing sixteen 
 pounds There were other appearances, which in- 
 dicated that the cat had been tied within the cavity 
 o."the bust. 
 
 All these circumstances furnished data for an hy- 
 pothesis concerning the spirit, and led me to reason 
 with myself, as I had done after having seen the 
 Flying Dutchman. 
 
 The cat had been missingsitice the appearanceof 
 the ghost until thrc-e nights after, when she cameto 
 me in the caboose, where, as it was my watch, I 
 was sleeping over the embers. 1 crept alone to 
 the forecastle, where I jerked the tail of the animal 
 in a very ungentle manner. She emitted the same 
 fiend-like shriek that had before curdled our blood, 
 and the sailors ran upon deck like madmen. The 
 captain, however who alone had seen mymanmivre, 
 threatened me with another kind of cat, if 1 should 
 make any disclosure to the crew. 
 
 I i>omplied with his injunction of
 
 428 MUSICAL ANECDOri. 
 
 noted that he was a man of his word in all thing9^ 
 thouga with rather leas alacrity in performing ft 
 promiae than in executing a threat. 
 
 Terence M'Manus the Sheepstealer. 
 
 One Terence M'Manus, in the north of Ireland, 
 lately taken up for sheep-stealing, wrote an account 
 of the same to his friend in the following somewhat 
 characteristic words: — 
 
 " As we wished to have some mutton to our tur- 
 nips, we went to Squire Carrol, who had more sheep 
 t\an his neighbours ; they were very wild, and the 
 pistur very large, and we were obliged to take a new 
 niethod to entice them by force to come near us. 
 As this new method may be of some sarvice to 
 you to know, why it is only my duty to tell you of 
 it. Pat Duggan and me wrapped ourselves up in 
 hay, and as the sheep came round to ate it, we cut 
 their throats. But a sarch being made, five hind 
 quarters belonging to two of them was foundinmy 
 cabin." 
 
 Musical anecdote. 
 
 Handelbeing once in a country church, asked the 
 organist to permit him to play the people out, to 
 which he of course consented. Handelaccordingly 
 sat down and began to play in such a very masterly 
 manner, as instantly to attract the attention of the 
 whole congregation, who instead of vacating their 
 seats as usual, remained for a considerable space of 
 time fixedin silent admiration. The organist began 
 to be impatient, and at length addressing the per- 
 former, told him he was convinced he could not play 
 the people out, and advised him to relinquish the 
 attempt; which done, a few strains in the accus- 
 tomed manner operated like the reading ofthe Riot 
 Act.by immediately diepereing the audience.
 
 MATRIMONIAL JOURNAL. 423 
 
 Poor military. 
 
 A young ensign, residing in lodgings, the rootrs 
 of which were Tery small, was visited by a fashion- 
 able friend, who had no sooner entered than he ex- 
 claimed — "Heaven defend me, Charles, where do 
 you find space to breathe here ? why theie's hardly 
 room enough for a cock to crown in. How long 
 have you been in this nutshell?" " Not long enough 
 (said I he other, archly) to become a kernel." 
 
 Matrimonial journa I. 
 
 A somewhat curious gentleman lately took thp 
 following meteorological journal of his wife's tem- 
 per ; — 
 
 Monday, — Rather cloudy; in the afternoon, very 
 rainy. 
 
 Tuesday. — Vapourish; brightened up a little at 
 night. 
 
 Wednesday. — Changeable; gloomy; inclined to 
 rain. 
 
 Thursday. — Very high wind, and some loud peals 
 of thunder. 
 
 Friday. — Fair in the morning : variable till the 
 afternoon; cloudy all night. 
 
 Saturday. A gentle breeze; hazy; a thick fog; 
 and a few flashes of lightning. 
 
 The law and the prophets. 
 
 An old ladv, somewhat evangelical, hearing her 
 son slip out an oath on a Sunday, exclaimed — " My 
 df'ar Richard, what are you abont ? \\ hat can you 
 think of the law and the prophets ?" " What dn I 
 think of them, my dear mother ?" said he. " W hy, 
 as vou have asked me for my opinion, I must say 
 that 1 think the law pockets tlte projita most infer' 
 nally."
 
 424 FAMILY DIFFERENCES. 
 
 The Amor He and Hittite. 
 Two Jews were distinguished, one for his skill in 
 pugilism, the other for his fondness of the fair sex, 
 A gentleman being asked to what tribe they be- 
 longed, answered — "I don't know: had they not 
 been Jews, I should hare supposed one of them to 
 be an Arranite, and the other a Hittite." 
 
 Family differences. 
 
 " I wonder, (said a woman of humour) why my 
 husband and 1 quarrel so often. We agree uni- 
 niforailyin one grand point — he wishes to be mas- 
 ter, and so do J." 
 
 A respectable jury. 
 
 The following anecdote is recorded of Ju^^ge 
 Dnd(i ridge. 
 
 Having, at the Huntingdon assizes reproved the 
 feheriff for returning persons on the juay who were 
 riot of sufficient respectability, at the next assizes 
 the sheriff presented the following list, at which the 
 judge smiled, and at the same time applauded his 
 ingenious industry: — Maxamilian King, of Torland; 
 Henry Prince, of Godmanchester; George Dukr, of 
 Somersham ; William Marquis, of Stukely ; Edward 
 EaW, of Hartford; Robert Lorci, ofWorsley; Ri- 
 chard Barcn. of Bythorpe ; Edmund Knight, of 
 St. Neots; Peter Esquire, of Easton ; George Gen- 
 tleman, of Spaldock ; Robert Yeoman, of Barham ; 
 Stephen Pope, of Weston ; Humphrey Cardinal, of 
 Kimbolton ; William Bishop, of Budgden; John 
 Abbott, of Stukeley; Richard Friar, of Ellington ; 
 Henry Monk, of Stukely; Edward P-.iest, of GrafF- 
 ham ; Jonas Merchant, of Hartford; William Factor, 
 ofKimbolton; 3 ames Alderman, of Weston; Richaid 
 Deacc-n, of Cutsworth.
 
 KING CHARLES AND THE jrWEI Ltr.. 42? 
 
 LatD and Equity. 
 
 A negro fellow, previous to the Revolution, being 
 suspected of having stolen goods in his possession, 
 was taken before a certain justice of the peace, in 
 the county of Philapelphia, and charged with the of- 
 fence. The negro acknowledged the fact, and made 
 the following; decisive defence. " Massa justice, me 
 know me got dem tings from Tomdere, and me tink 
 Tom teal dem too — but what den, massa? dey be 
 only a piccaninny knife and a piccaninny corkscrew 
 — one cost sixpence, and tudder a shilling, and me 
 pay Tom for dem honestly, massa." " A very 
 pretty story, truly," said his worship — " you knew 
 they were stolen, andyet allege in excuse, you paid 
 honestlv for them. We'll teach you better law than 
 that, sirrah ! Don't you know, Pompey, that the 
 receiver is as bad as the thief? You must, you 
 black rascal, be severely whipped." " Very well, 
 massa, if de black rascal be whipped for buyin tolen 
 goods, me hope de white rascal be whipped too, for 
 same ting, when you catch him, as well as Pompey." 
 "To be sure," replied the justice. "Why, den, 
 (says Pompey) here be Tom's massa ; hold him 
 fast, constable — he buy Tom as 1 buy a piccaninny 
 knife, and de piccaninny corkscrew. He know berry 
 well poor Tom be tolen from him old fadder and 
 mndder — de knife and de corkscrew have neider." 
 Such was the justice, as well as the severity of poor 
 Pompey's address, that the magistrate, with the 
 consent of Tom's master, dismissed him, and dis- 
 charged the action." 
 
 King Charles and the jewellwr. 
 
 When Lord Rochester was restored again to the 
 faTour of King Charles the Second, he continued 
 ♦lie same extravagant pursuits of pleasure, and 
 would even use freedoms with that prince, Wiiorr
 
 I 
 
 43G IRISH FLOGGiNO. 
 
 tremely ill with a fever, a consultation was hold in 
 his bed-chamber by three physicians, how to " cure 
 the fever, and abate the thirst." " Gentlemen, 
 (said he) I will take half the trouble off your hands. 
 V'ou cure the fever, and I will endeavour to abate the 
 thirst myself." 
 
 Future prospects. 
 
 Dean Swift knew an old woman of the name of 
 Margaret Styles, who was much addicted to drink- 
 ing. Though frequently admonished by him, he 
 one day found her at the bottom of a ditch. The 
 dean, after severely rebuking her, asked her where 
 she thought of going to? meaning, of course, after 
 her death ? *' Ml tell you. sir, (said she) if you'll 
 help me up. "When he had assisted her, and re- 
 peated his question, "Where do I think of going 
 to ?" faid she. " Why, where the best liquor is, to 
 be sure !" 
 
 Irisli flogging. 
 
 An Irish drummer being employed to flog a deser- 
 ter, the sufferer, as is usual in such cases, cried out 
 "Strike higher." The drummer accordingly, to 
 oblige the poor fellow, did as he was requested. 
 But the man still continuing to roar out in agony, 
 " The divii burn yourbellowing, (cried Paddy) for I 
 see there is no plasingyou at all, let me strike where 
 1 will.' 
 
 ATiiicipation, 
 
 A poor cavalier, being condemned to die, wrote 
 the following letter to his wife the day before he 
 expected to suffer, thinking it would come to hand 
 after his execution : — 
 
 " Hoping you are in good health, as I am at this 
 present writing. This is to let you know, that yes-
 
 A CONTRAST. 437 
 
 terday, between the hours of eleven and twelve, I 
 waa hanged, drawn, and quartered. I died \ ery pe- 
 nitently, and every body thought my case very hard. 
 Remember me kindly to my poorfatherless children. 
 •• Yours, till death, W. P." 
 
 Saving one's bacon. 
 
 Mr. C , partner of Miss Bacon at the York 
 
 Assembly, sat down after the dance in the Love- 
 corner— so called at the rooms, when one of the 
 dancers asked C. why he saved himself, and did not 
 stand up. He answered, '♦ He did not want to save 
 himself, but to save his Bacon.'' 
 
 A contrast. 
 
 A very passionate oreneriil calling one morning on 
 Sir Robert ^^'alpole, found his servant shaving him. 
 During the conversation Sir Robert said mildly — 
 " John, you cut me ;" and continued the forrner 
 subject of discourse. Presently he said again — 
 " John, you cut me ;" but as mildly as before : and 
 soon after he had occasion to say so again, when the 
 general starting up in a rage said, swearing a great 
 oath, and doubling his fisf at the servant, " If Sir 
 Robert can bear it, I cannot; and if you cut him 
 once more, I'll knock you down.'* 
 
 An oversight. 
 A lady of fashion once declaimed to a lady of 
 quality, in public company, against second marri- 
 ages '. the ladv nhom she addressed had been twice 
 married ; and she had recently been married to her 
 own second husband. When reminded of this she 
 exclaimed — "Bless me! my dear — 1 had quite for- 
 gotten it." The company regarded her forgetfulness 
 with doubt. T 2
 
 438. HO\r TO CHEAT A PRIEST. 
 
 Origin of an Alderman. 
 In ancient times, a god of wood 
 In every public garden stood : 
 A Priapus to guard tlie ground, 
 And fright the vagrant birds aiound; 
 To check the thief at midnight hour, 
 And watch the path to social bower. 
 
 Of Alder was this scarecrow made. 
 To carpenters a thriving trade; 
 And hence — if true the voice of Fame— 
 The term of Alder-man first came. 
 Long did the deity maintain 
 O'er birds and thietes a dreaded reign : 
 But thieves grew^ daring, birds grew bold, 
 Nor could the god their thefts withhold ; 
 Nor boys, nor birds, were struck with fear, 
 Although the Alderman was near. 
 
 Hence, useless in the garden grown. 
 Men took the Alderman to town; 
 By skill Promethean gave him eyes, 
 And made him — everything but wise ; 
 O'er towns and cities placed him chief, 
 A terror to each roguish thief. 
 Thus, bugbear still, he keeps his station. 
 And sagely sways the corporation. 
 But though dress'd up in human shape, 
 And formed to act the owl or ape — 
 Though free to gormandize and swear, 
 And bear a magisterial air. 
 He 'Still retains his ancient name, 
 For still his wooden head's the same. 
 
 How to cheat a priest. 
 
 A Norman priest, whose parishioners had many 
 of them not made the most honourable exit out of 
 this bad world, insisted, when he was baptizing one 
 of their children, to be paid the nuptial and burial
 
 GOOD BLOOD. 439 
 
 fees, as well as those of baptism ; and when the pa- 
 rents asked th» reason of this extraordinary de- 
 mand, hejreplied — " Becanse 1 know, as soon'as he 
 is grown up, he will cheat me of my dues by going 
 to Paris to be hanged." 
 
 Candour. 
 A. captain, who knew the world, was playing at 
 piquet with a sharper, and saw him shuffling, and 
 placing the cards very adroitly. The captain imme- 
 diately did the same, but openly and very delibe- 
 rately; which the sharper telling him of he replied 
 that it was verv true that he did so, because he 
 thought it was the sharper's common mode of play- 
 ing, to which he had no objection ; but if he prefer- 
 red the fair game, so be it ; he was quite agreeable 
 to either. 
 
 Good blood. 
 An Irish fishwoman havingbeen oneday blooded, 
 the apothecary told her that her blood was very bad. 
 " By Jasus, (said she) but it is a great big lie ; for 
 I was always reckoned to have the best blood of any 
 woman in the parish." 
 
 A difference. 
 Two Irish labourers being at the execution of the 
 malefactors on the gallows at Newgate, one said to 
 the other, " Arrah, Pat ! is there any difference be- 
 tween being hanged here, and being hanged in 
 chains ?" " No, honey," replied he, " no great dif- 
 ference; only one hangs about an hour, and the 
 other hangs all the days of his life." 
 
 A modest proposal. 
 A prisonerin the Fleet lately sent to his creditor 
 to let him know that he had a proposal to make, 
 t3
 
 410 SUN AND MOON. 
 
 which he believed would be for their mutual bene- 
 fit. Accordingly, the creditor calling on him to 
 hear it — " I have been thinking, (said he) that it is 
 a very idle thing for me to lie here, and put you to 
 the expence of seven groats a week. My being so 
 chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness — 
 and God only knows what it may cost you in the 
 end. Therefore, what I would propose is this : — 
 You shall let me out of prison; and, instead of seven 
 groats, you shall allow me only eighteen- pence a 
 week, and the other tenpence shall go towards the 
 discharge of the debt." 
 
 Mutual happiness. 
 Sick of this world, my wife would die ; 
 She's happy now — and so am f ; 
 
 Sun and moon. 
 A lady observing in company how glorious and 
 useful a body the sun was. " The sun, to be sure 
 (said an Irish gentleman present) is a very fine 
 body; but, in my opinion, the moon is much more 
 useful; for the moon affords us light in the night- 
 time, when we really want it ; whereas we have the 
 sun with us only in the day-time, when we have no 
 occasion for it." 
 
 Rival liarB. 
 A French nobleman, addressing himself to three* 
 of his servants, promised to reward handsomely the 
 one who could tell him the greatest lie. The first 
 eaid that he never had told a lie — the second aver- 
 red that he could not tell one — the third candidate, 
 however, proved himself the best adept in the art, 
 and obtained tha prize, for he assured his master 
 ihat both his fellow servants had just told him the 
 ruth! 
 
 !
 
 A DISCONSOLATE HOUSE. 441 
 
 Going to the devil in the dark. 
 
 Some gentlemen coming out of a tavern pretty 
 merry, a link-boy cried, " Have a light gentlemen ?" 
 •' Light yourself to thedevil, you dosi !" savs oneof 
 the company. " Bless you, master, (replied the boy) 
 I can find the way in the dark. Shall I light your 
 worship thither ?" 
 
 A comfortable house. 
 A man being asked by his neighbour how his sick 
 wife did, made this adesver — "ludeed, neighbour, 
 the case is pitiful. My wife fears she shall die, and 
 I fear she will not die, which makes a most discon • 
 solate house." 
 
 The essence of hulls. 
 
 An English gentlemen asked Sir Richard Steele, 
 who was an Irishman, what was the reason his coun- 
 trymen were so remarkable for blundering and ma- 
 kingbulls ? '" Faith I (says the knight) 1 believe 
 ihere is something in the air of Ireland, and I dare 
 say, if an Englishman was born there, he v/ould do the 
 same." 
 
 A match for Beau Nash. 
 A young lady who was just come out of the coun- 
 try, and who aflfected to dress in a very plain man- 
 ner, was sitting on a bench at Bath, as the cele- 
 brated Beau Nash and some of his companious were 
 passing by ; upon which, turning to one of them, he 
 said — " There's a smart countrv'girl.and I will have 
 some discourse with her." Going up to the lady, tie 
 said — "So child, (says he) you are jubt come to 
 Bath, I see." " Yes, sir," answered the laJy. 
 " And you have been a good girl in the country, and 
 learned' to read your book, I hope l" She answered 
 in the affirmative. " 1 know you have read your
 
 442 STERNE 
 
 Bible, (says he) and the History of Tobit and hia 
 Dog. Now can you tell me the name of the dog ?" 
 " Yes, sir, (said she;) his name was Nash — and an 
 impudent dog he was." 
 
 Life after death. 
 An Irishman being at a tavern where the cook was 
 dressing some carp, observed some of them move 
 after they were gutted and put into the pan. Teague 
 Avith great surprise, exclaimed — " Of all the Chris- 
 tian creatures I eversaw, this same cdiTpvnlllive the 
 longest after it is dead of any fish I ever saw in my 
 life." 
 
 Sterne. 
 
 The whimsical and immortal author of Tristram 
 Shandy was married to Mrs. Sterne on a Saturday 
 morning. His parishioners had timely information 
 of the circumstance, and knowing he would preach 
 the next morning at his parish church, and desirous 
 of seeing the bride, they assembled in such crowds 
 that the church was full before the bell had done 
 tolling. The bride, as was expected, made her ap- 
 pearance, andthe country folks indulged themselves 
 with the usual observations until Sterne mounted 
 the pulpit. Here every eye was directed to him, 
 and every ear ready to catch the words of his text, 
 which turned out, to their astonishment, to be the 
 following — "We have toiled all night, and have 
 caught no fish." The congregation looked at each 
 other ; some smiled, others stopped their mouths 
 with their handkerchiefs to prevent them from 
 laughing; while the old folks wore very serious fa- 
 ces, and thought the humourist a very odd sort of 
 » man for a pulpit lecturer : however they attended 
 to his discourse, which turned out very instructive, 
 and all went home very highly delighted with the
 
 DR. HOUGH. 443 
 
 text, but poor Mrs. Sterne, who blushed down to 
 herfingeis ends every step of the way to the parson- 
 age house. 
 
 Epitaph on an undertaker. 
 
 Snbdued by Death, here Death's great herald lies, 
 And adds a trophy to his victories ; 
 Yet sure he was prepar 'd, who, while he'd breath, 
 Made it his business still to look for Death. 
 
 Dr, Hough. 
 
 Doctor Hough, some time since Bishop of Wor- 
 cester, who was as remarkable for the evenness of 
 his temper as for many other good qualities, having 
 a good deal of company at his house, a gentleman 
 present desired his lordship to show him a curious 
 weather-glass which the bishop had lately pur- 
 chased, and which cost him above thirty guineas. 
 The servant was accordingly desired to bring it, 
 who, in delivering it to the gentleman, accidentally 
 let it fall, and broke it all to pieces. The company 
 were all a little deranged by the accident. " Be 
 under no concern, my dear sir, (says the bishop, 
 smiling) I think it is rather a lucky omen. We 
 have hitherto kad a dry season, and I hope we shall 
 have some rain, for I protest I do not remember ever 
 to have seen the glass so lout.'* 
 
 Anecdote of Peter the Great. 
 
 Amongst the varions females that attracted the 
 notice of the emperor was a beautiful young lady, 
 the daughter of a foreign merchant in the city of 
 Moscow. He,first saw her Jn her father's house 
 where he dined one day. He wa3,.8o much taken 
 with her appearance, that he offered her any terms 
 she pleased if she would live with him, which this 
 virtuous young woman modestly re fused ; but, 
 dreading the effects of his authority, she put ou a
 
 444 ANECDOTE OF lETER THE GREAT. 
 
 resolution, and left Moscow in the night without 
 communicating her design, even to her beloved pa- 
 Jfents. 
 
 Having provided a little money for her support, 
 fehe travelled on foot several miles into the country 
 till she arrived at a small village, where her nurse 
 lived with her husband and their daughter, the 
 young lady's foster-sister, to whom she discovered 
 her intention of concealing herself in the wood 
 near that village; and to prevent any discovery, she 
 set out the same night, accompanied by the husband 
 and daughter. 
 
 The husband, being a timber man by trade, and 
 well acquainted with the wood, conducted her to a 
 little dry spot in the middle of a morass, and he 
 there built her an hut for her habitation. She had 
 deposited her money with her nurse to procure lit- 
 tle necessaries for her Support, which were faithfully 
 conveyed to her at night by the nurse or her daugh- 
 ter, by one of whom she was constantly attended in 
 the night-time, 
 
 The next day after her flight the Czar called at her 
 father's to see her, and finding the parents in great 
 concern for their daughter, and himself disappoint- 
 ed, fancied it a plan of their own conceiting. He 
 became angry, and began to threaten them with the 
 effects of his displeasure if she was not produced. 
 Nothing was left to the parents but tho mostso einn 
 protestations and tears to convince him of their in- 
 nocence and ignorance of what was become of her— 
 assuring him of their fears that some fatal disaster 
 must have befallen her, as nothing belonging to her 
 was missing, excepting the apparel which she wore 
 at the time. 
 
 The Czar, satisfied of their sincerity, ordered 
 fjreat search to be made for her, with the offer of a 
 csonsiderable reward to the person who should disco- 
 ver what was become of her, but to no purpose.
 
 AIBECDOTE OF PETER THE GREAT. 445 
 
 The parents and relations, apprehending she was no 
 more, went into mourning for her. 
 
 About a year after this she was discovered hy an 
 accident, A colonel who had come from the army to 
 see his friends, going a hunting into that wood, he 
 came to the hut,|aud looking into it, saw a pretty 
 young woman in a mean dress. After enquiring of 
 her who she was, and how she came to live in so so- 
 litary a place, he found eut at last that she was the 
 lady whose disappearance had made so great a noise. 
 In the utmost confusion, and with the most fervent 
 entreaties, she prayed him on her knees that he 
 would not betray her; he told her he thought her 
 danger was now past, and that she might with safety 
 discover herself— at least to her parents — with whom 
 he would at once co nsult, as to how matters should 
 3e managed. 
 
 The lady agreed to his proposal, and he set out 
 immediately, and overjoyed her parents with the 
 happy discovery. The issue of their deliberations 
 was to consult Madam Catherine (as she was then 
 called) in what manner the affair should be opened 
 to ihe Czar. The colonel went also upon thisbusi- 
 ness, and was advised by Madam to come next 
 morning, and she would introduce him to his ma- 
 jesty, when he might make the discovery, andclaim 
 the promised reward. 
 
 He went according to appointment, and being in- 
 troduced, told the accident by which he had disco- 
 vered the lady, and represented the miserable situ- 
 ation in which he had found her, and what she must 
 have suffered by being so long shut up in such a 
 dismal place 
 
 The Czar shewed a great deal of concern that he 
 should have been the cause of all her sufferings, de- 
 claring that he would make her amends. 
 
 Here Madam Catherine suggested, thatshe really 
 thought the best amends Ais majesty could make,
 
 446 A CUNNING TAILOR. 
 
 was to g\ve her a haudsome fortune and the colon«l 
 for a husband, who had the best right, having rery 
 singularly, although accidentally, caught her in pur- 
 suit of his game. 
 
 The Czar, agreeing perfectly with Madam Cathe- 
 rine's sentiments, ordered one of his favourites to 
 go with the colonel, and bring the young lady home 
 — where she arrived, to the inexpressible joy of her 
 family and relations, who had all been in mourning 
 for her. 
 
 The marriage was under the direction, and at the 
 expence jf the Czar, who himself gave the bride to 
 the bridegroom, saying — " That he presented him 
 with one of the most virtuous of women." He ac- 
 companied his declaration with many valuable pre- 
 sents, besides settling on her and her heirs three 
 thousand rubles a year. 
 
 A cunning tailor. 
 
 The following ludicrous circumstance happened 
 at the battle of Malplaquet. 
 
 A young Swiss recruit, when his regimentals were 
 making, had procured a round iron plate bordered 
 with small holes, which he desired the tailor to fas- 
 ten on the inside of his coat, above the left breast, 
 to prevent his being shot through the heart. The 
 tailor, being a humourous fellow, fastened it in the 
 seat of hisbreeches ; and the clothes being scarcely 
 on his back when he was ordered to march into the 
 field, having no opportunity to get this awkward 
 mistake rectified, he found himself engaged in bat- 
 tle, and being obliged to fly before the enemy, in 
 endeavouring to get over a hedge in his way, he 
 unfortunately stuck fast till he was overtaken by a 
 foe, who on his coming up gave him a push in the 
 breech with, his bayonet, but it luckily hit on the 
 iron plate, and pushed the young soldier clear out 
 of the hedge. This favouraMe circumstance made
 
 L?R. GOLDSMITH. 447 
 
 the Swiss honestly confess" that the tailor had more 
 sense than himself, and knew better where his heart 
 loy." 
 
 Counsellor's opinion. 
 A rich old country neighbour of the celebrated 
 Counsellor Fazakerlev, who had often endeavoured 
 to steal his advice, taking an opportunity one day 
 in the course of a morning'sride, to ask his opinion 
 upon a point of some consequence, he gave it fully 
 and explicitly. Sometime afterwards, the country- 
 man coming to the other's chambers in a very great 
 hurry, said — " Zounds, Mr. Fazakerh ! I have lost 
 four' or five thousand pounds by your advice." 
 " By my advice, neighbour ! how so ?" ''^^hyyou 
 were wrong in the opinion you save me in such an 
 affair." *' My opinion !" said the serjeant, turn- 
 ing to one of his books) " 1 don't remember giving 
 you any opinion on the subject — I don't remember 
 having'had such a thing before me — I see nothing 
 of it in my book." "Book! no," says the other, 
 *' it was as we were riding out together at such a 
 time." "Oh, I remember it now; (said tho ser- 
 jeant) but that was only my travelling opinion; and 
 to tell you truly, neighbour, my opinion is never to 
 be rc-lied upon, unless the case appears in my fee- 
 book:' 
 
 Dr. Goldsmith. 
 
 Au instance of Doctor Goldsmith simplicity — 
 which, though it might hare done him no credit as 
 a man of the world, will place his character in an 
 amiable light as a man of feeling and humanity, is aa 
 follows: — 
 
 The Doctor, having inadvertently paid an hack- 
 ney-coachman a guinea instead of a shilling, and, 
 with great consistency, forgot to take the number of 
 the coach, was obliged to apply to the fraternity of
 
 I 
 
 448 Da. GOLDSMITH. 
 
 the whip about Temple Bar to find the coachman 
 again, by the description of his person. 
 
 The fellow being well known, the Doctor soon 
 had the satisfaction of receiving the information that 
 he was a very honest man, and would certainly re- 
 turn the guinea, if he knew where to find him. 
 •' Well, (said the Doctor) I am going to dine at the 
 Devil, with my friend Dr. Johnson and Mr. Stevens 
 — if he should come before six o'clock, send him to 
 me." The Doctor went to dinner, and before the 
 cloth was taken away, the waiter informed him the 
 coachman was below stairs waiting to restore his 
 guinea. 
 
 On this information the Doctor largely descanted 
 on the singular honesty of the fellow, and the expe- 
 diency of his being properly rewarded for it. This 
 drew a voluntary subscription from the company of 
 about nine shillings, which the doctor took down to 
 the coachman, putting'it into his hand, with many 
 encomiums on his honesty ; at the same time re- 
 ceiving the guinea from the coachman, which he put 
 into his pocket. On turning to go up stairs the ho- 
 nest hack-driver modestly reminded his honour that 
 he was not paid his fare; very arithmetically con- 
 ceiving, that the nine shillings being given as a re- 
 ward for his honesty, his fare was not included. 
 " Right, (cried the doctor;) there is a shilling for 
 thee, my lad." -'God bless your honour," replied 
 Jehu ; " I see you know howtoconsiderapoor man," 
 at the same time saying, in an under ton«, that al- 
 though he was poor he was honest, yet God knew he 
 had a wife and four children ; concluding with a hint 
 on family sickness and the dearness of provisions : 
 this melted the doctor, and drew another half-crown 
 from hts pocket, which he gave him, desirin<i; he 
 would then go about his business, lest he should 
 take the silver back again, and return him the whole 
 guinea.
 
 SHORT COMMONS. 440 
 
 On this hint the coachman declared himself fullv 
 satisfied; and with many scrapes and bows, took his 
 leave. The Doctor returned to his company, exult- 
 ing to think he had met with so favourable an op- 
 portunity to reward honesty, and to indulge his na- 
 tural propensity to benevolence. The company re- 
 newed their encomiums, both on the coachman and 
 Doctor; but with what propriety was discovered, 
 when, on the reckoning being called, the Doctor 
 pulled out his guinea to discharge his quota ; not, 
 indeed, the identical guinea the Doctor gave the 
 coachman, but the guinea the coachman gave the 
 Doctor — which, being of silver gilt, was worth just 
 eightpenr.e halfpenny. 
 
 Perfection, 
 
 A celebrated preacher having remarked in a ser- 
 mon that everything made by God was perfect. 
 " What think you of me?" said a deformed man in a 
 pew beneath, who arose from his seat and pointed 
 at his own back. '' Think of you I" reiterat d the 
 preacher, " why that you are the most perfect hunch- 
 back my eyes ever beheld." 
 
 Short commons. 
 A gentleman being at St. Margaret's, Westmin- 
 ster, on a fast day, observed to another that there 
 were very few of the Members of the House of Com- 
 mons assembled. " Is that to be wondered at ?'' 
 (rejoined the other. " Why 1 thought you under- 
 stood the nature of the proclamation better. Do 
 you not observe that it strictly enjoins short com- 
 mons every where ?" 
 
 American law. 
 The following noiice appeared m a New York 
 journal:— "To be sold on the 8th of July, 161 suite
 
 459 LIES. 
 
 in la\^r, the property of an eminent attorney aboutto 
 retire from business. N. B, — The clients are lieh 
 
 and obstinate." 
 
 Sir Samuel Garth. 
 This gentleman writing a letter one evening at ft 
 coffee-house, was much embarrassed by an Irish 
 gentleman, who was rude enough to look over hia 
 shoulder all the time. Garth, however, seemed to 
 take no notice of this till towards the conclusion, 
 when he humorously added, byway of a postcript, 
 " I should write you more by this post, but there's a 
 damned tall impudent Irishman looking over my 
 shoulder all the time." " What do you mean, sir? 
 (said the Irishman) do you think I looked ever your 
 letter?" *' Sir, (said Garth, very gravely) I never 
 oce opened my lips to you." " Aye, but by Jasus, 
 yon have put it down for all that." " That's quite 
 impossible, sir, (said Garth) as you say you never 
 once looked over my letter." 
 
 Lies. 
 
 A person in prison was asked by a friend what it 
 was for ? ' For telling lies," said his friend 
 Telling lies! how is that?" demanded the other. 
 " Why, telling people I would pay 'em, and not 
 keeping my word. 
 
 A short reckoning. 
 " There werea hundred justices, (said one) at the 
 monthly meeting. "A hundred!" said anothei, 
 ** Yes; do you count, and I will name them. There 
 was Justice Balance — put down one ; Justice Hall- 
 put down a cipher, he is nobody ; Justice House — 
 }ou may put down another cipher for him. Now, 
 one, and two ciphers, are one hundred."
 
 POETICAL BALANCE, 451 
 
 Cause of genuine sorrow. 
 A gentleman taking an apartment, said to the 
 lady, " I assure you, madam, I never left a lodging 
 but my landlady shed tears." She answered, "I 
 hope it was not, sir, because you went away without 
 paying." 
 
 Poetical balance. 
 An Italian poet presented some verses to the 
 Pope, who had not gone far before he met with a 
 line too short in quantity, which he observed. The 
 poet submissively entreated his holiness to read on, 
 and he would probably meet with a line that was a 
 syllable too long, so that his account would be ba- 
 lanced." 
 
 Grace Mal-a-pro-pos. 
 A milliner's apprenticebeing obliged to waitupon 
 a duchess, was fearful of committing some error in 
 her deportment. She therefore went to consult a 
 friend as to the manner in which she should address 
 this great personage : who told her that when she 
 came before the duchess she must say her Grace, and 
 so forth. Accordingly away went the girl, and be- 
 ing introduced, after a very low courtesy, she said. 
 " For what I am going to receive, the Lord make me 
 truly thankful," To which the duchess answered. 
 Amen t 
 
 Tlie turncoat. 
 Buck, the player at Cork, being asked how he 
 came to turn his co*t twice, replied smartly, that 
 "one good turn deserved another 1" 
 
 Clerical sin, 
 A rector, in his discourse on the heinous sint of
 
 ^52 TWO OF A TRADE. 
 
 cheating and defrauding one's neighbours, unluckily 
 leaned a good deal over the pulpit, when a wag re- 
 marked, that he had omitted to mention the most 
 monstrous of all— that of over-reaching I 
 
 Compulsory tears. 
 A countryman in the north of England had been 
 so unkind a husband, so severe a father, so rigid a 
 master, and so bad a neighbour in general, that not 
 a tear was shed at his funeral. The sexton observed 
 that he had officiated in that capacity for five-and- 
 forty years, and that an instance of the sort had ne- 
 ver happened before, and that it might not disgrace 
 the village, he seized a little boy, and lugged his ears 
 severely, which soon produced a copious shower of 
 tears. 
 
 Curran and the peasant. 
 
 Mr. Curran, in some way or the other, generally 
 contrived to throw witnesses off their centre, and he 
 took care they seldom should recover it. " My lard 
 — my lard!" (vociferated a peasant witness, writhing 
 under this mentalexcruciation) I can't answer yon 
 iictjc gentleman — he's putting me in such a dol- 
 drum !" " A doldrum, Mr. Curran ! what does he 
 mean by a doldrum ?" exclaimed Lord Avonmore. 
 " Oh, my lord, it's a very common complaint with 
 persons of this description. It is merely a confu- 
 sion of the head, arising from a vile corruption of 
 the heart." 
 
 Two of a trade. 
 A physician being summoned to a vestry, to re- 
 primand the sexton for drunkenness, dwelt so long 
 on the aexton's misconduct, that the latter indig- 
 uantly replied — " Sir, I was in hopes you would 
 have treated my failings with more gentleness, or
 
 counsel's oriNioy. 453 
 
 tiiat you would have been the last man alive to ap- 
 pear against me, as I have covered so many blunders of 
 yours." 
 
 Taking counsel's opinion. 
 
 A pickpocket having been praciising his trade in 
 a court of justice, was taken in the fact, and it was 
 deemed the best way to try him without further de- 
 lay. The fellow demanded counsel, when a gentle- 
 man of the bar was allowed him, with whom he re- 
 tired to a chamber adjoining the court, in order to 
 consult him. The window of the room not being 
 many feet from the ground, the delinquent said — 
 " I think, sir, the most expedient way for me to ex- 
 tricatemyself would be to jump out of that windoir 
 at once. " Faith, that is my opinion, too," said the 
 counsellor, who immediately suffered the fellow to 
 escape. On returning into the conrt he was asked 
 concerning tha prisoner. " He has escaped," re- 
 plied the counsellor. "And why did you suffer it, 
 without giving the alarm?" reiterated the judge. 
 " For the best of all reasons," replied the other. 
 " 1 was deputed his legal adviser, and as we both 
 perfectly agreed in opinion, hetookhis measures ac- 
 cordingly.' 
 
 Where is my blockhead ? 
 A country Squire being in^company with his mis- 
 tress, and wanting his servant, cried out, " Where 
 is my blockhead ?" " Why, upon your shoulders," 
 said the lady." 
 
 A safe hiding-place. 
 A noble lady, who being asked whero her hus- 
 band was, when he lay concealed for huvin^^ been 
 deeply conceaned in a conspiracy, resoluteiy an- 
 swered, " 1 havi hid him." This f:ank confession
 
 4.54 CAUSE FOR WEEriKG. 
 
 drew her before the king, who told h*r, nothing b«t 
 discoTering where her lord was concealed could save 
 her from torture. " And will that do, sir V saya 
 the lady. The king replied that he had given his 
 word for it. " Then, (says she) I hare hid him in my 
 Zieart— there you'll find him." The noble answer 
 charmed her enemies, aud turned aside the king's 
 resentment. 
 
 ril get up and rest. 
 A young lady, having been lately married, on 
 seeing her husband about to rise pretty early in the 
 morning, said—" What, my dear, are you getting up 
 already ? Pray lie a little longer, and rest yourself.'' 
 " No, my dear, (replied the husband) I'll get up and 
 rest myself." 
 
 Bath waters. 
 Two ladies, just returned from Bath, were telling 
 a gentleman how they liked the place, and how it 
 agreed with them. The first had been very ill, and 
 received great benefit from the waters. " But pray, 
 madam, what did you go for?" said he to the second. 
 " Mere wantonness," she replied. *' And pray, ma- 
 dam, did it cure you V 
 
 Cause for weeping. 
 A youth standing by while his father was at play, 
 and observing him to lose a good deal of money, 
 burst out into tears. His father ask'd the reason 
 why he wept. " Oh, sir, (said he) I have heard 
 that Alexander the (jreat wept when he was told 
 that his father had conquered a great many towns, 
 cities, and countries, fearing he would leave him no- 
 thing to win, but I wept for fear you should leave 
 me nothing tolose."
 
 A WITTER OP DOUBT. 455 
 
 A family peculiaritij. 
 
 A. droll fellow who had a wooden leg, being in 
 company with one who was somewhat soft and cre- 
 dnlous, the latter asked the former how he came to 
 hare a wooden leg ? The fellow answered, " "Why 
 my father had one, and my grandfather had one, and 
 his father before him — the plain truth is, it runs i-i 
 the blood." 
 
 Astonishing perception. 
 A man who got his living by fiddling at fairs and 
 about the country, was one day met by an acquaint- 
 ance that had not seen him a great while, who ac- 
 costed him thus; — "Bless me! what, are you 
 alive ?" " Why not ? did you send any one to kill 
 me ?" asked the fiddler. "No; but I was told you 
 was dead," replied the other. " Aye, so it was 're- 
 
 forted; but I was convinced it was a lie as soon as 
 heard it." 
 
 A matter ofdolibi. 
 A gentleman arrested for t. large sum, sent to an 
 acquaintance who had often professed great friend- 
 ship for him to beg he would be his bail. The other 
 told him he had promised never to be bail for any 
 man, but with much kindness said — " I'll tell you 
 what you may do; you may get somebody else— i/ 
 you can." 
 
 No forenoon. 
 An Oxford Scholar being at Cambridge ten days 
 together, they kept him drinking all night, that he 
 could never rise before dinner ; being askedhowhf? 
 liked the place ? He replied that he liked it exceed- 
 ingly ; but the worst of it was, there was no/orenoon 
 in it."
 
 456 DIFFICULT TO PROVE. 
 
 Paddy's aversion to Scotland. 
 
 An Irishman, having' been obliged to live with 
 his master some time in Scotland, when he came 
 back, somo of his companions asked how he liked 
 Scotland. "I will tell you now," said he; " I was 
 sick all the while I was there, and if I had lived 
 I there till this time, by the powers I had been dead a 
 year ago." 
 
 Difficu t to prove. 
 
 The junior counsel who opened the cause of the 
 elebrated Madame D'Eon, concluded as follows: — 
 " We shall now call our witnesses to prove that he 
 is she." 
 
 An obliging astronomer. 
 
 A coxcomb conducted two ladies of quality to the 
 Observatory, to see an eclipse of the moon. They 
 ariived too iate, the eclipse was over, and the ladies 
 were disappointed. "Oh, (said our hero) don't fret. 
 1 know the astronomer very well: he is a polite 
 man, and I am sure will begin again." 
 
 An expensive job. 
 A gentleman passing a country church while un- 
 der repair, observed to one of the workmen that he 
 thought it would be an expensive job. " Why, 
 yes, (replied he;) but in my opinion we shall ac- 
 complish what our minister has endeavoured to do 
 for the last fifteen years in vain." " What is that?" 
 said the gentleman. " Why bring all the parish to 
 repentance." 
 
 THE END.
 
 THV, m GALIE« LIBEAH^ EOS MGELSa
 
 000 017 556