YOUNGER AMERICAN HUMORISTS FOR THE GAIETY Of NATIONS Rice, Wallace _ AUTHOR TTLE 807.73 Younger American Tiumorists 6895 > * Rice, Wallace Younger American humorists K >^ UDIO ^ -- * i s^/ For the Gai ety of Nations THE YOUNGER AMERICAN HUMORISTS LIBRARY C,~ T: WALT DISNEY STUDIO Gaiety of Nations FUN and PHILOSOPHY FROM THE YOUNGER AMERICAN HUMORISTS COMPILED BY WALLA C E RICE If we'd be lar-rnin' our young to laugh in- stid o' cryin', there'd be more in this gayety of nations, Mr. Casey. Martin Dooley, Philosopher NEW YORK: DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY: 220 EAST 23d STREET Copyright, 1909, by Dodge Publishing Company THE hearty thanks of the compiler are due to Messrs. Duffield & Co. for permission to use extracts from the copyrighted works of Messrs. George Ade and Henry Martyn Blossom, Jr.; Houghton, Mifflin & Co., the au- thorized publishers of the works of Francis Bret Harte; Doubleday, Page & Co., publishers for Mr. Simeon Ford; The G. W. Dillingham Com- pany, publishers for George Vere Hobart; The Red Raven Corporation and Mr. George Kountz, owners of the "Billy Baxter Letters"; George W. Jacobs & Co., publishers of the works of Charles Godfrey Leland; Small, Maynard & Co. and Mr. George Horace Lorimer for consent to use ex- tracts from Mr. Lorimer's books; The W. B. Conkey Co., publishers for Edgar Wilson Nye; The Bobbs-Merrill Company, publishers for Mr. Henry Wallace Phillips; The Lothrop, Lee & Shepard Company, publishers for Mr. Harry Leon Wilson; Mr. Owen Wister and the Mac- millan Company for extracts from "The Vir- ginian"; and to his friends, the Rev. Robert Jones Burdette, and Messrs. John Kendrick Bangs, Finley Peter Dunne, Isaac Kahn Friedman, Sam- uel Ellsworth Kiser, Alfred Henry Lewis, Wilbur Dick Nesbit, Bert Leston Taylor, and Charles W. Taylor. To JOHN TINNEY McCUTCHEON Whose Drawings Show American Humor at Its Best, Half Laughter and Half Love For the GAIETY OF NATIONS Fun and Philosophy. From THE ELDER AMERICAN HUMOR- ISTS, AMERICAN NEWSPA- PER HUMORISTS, THE LATER AMERICAN HUMOR- ISTS. Three Volumes, each 50 cents. Dodge Publishing Com- pany, 220 East 2$d St., New York. YE know I'm not much throubled be lithrachoor, havin' manny worries iv me own, but I'm not prejudiced again' books. I am not. Whin a rale good book conies along I'm as quick as anny wan to say it isn't so bad. Mr. Dooley. FOR THE GAIETY Ade, George Bangs, John Kendrick Blossom, Henry Martyn, Jr. (1866- ) (1862- ) Checkers (1866- ) Burdette, Robert Jones The Burlington Hawk-Eye Man (1844- ) Clemens, Samuel Langhorne Mark Twain (1835- ) Mr. Dooley (1867- ) (1850-1895) (1858- ) (1870- ) The Fat Contributor The Texas Siftings Man (1845-1890) (1839-1902) (1867- ) John Henry, Hugh McHugh Kiser, Samuel Ellsworth (1862- ) Kountz, William J., Jr. Billy Baxter (1868-1899) Leland, Charles Godfrey Hans Breitmann (1824-1903) Lewis, Alfred Henry Dan Quin, Wolfville Tales (1858- ) Lewis, Charles Bertrand M. Quad, The Detroit Free Press Man (1842- ) Lorimer, George Horace (1868- ) Nesbit, Wilbur Dick (1871- ) Nye, Edgar Wilson Bill Nye (1850-1896) Dunne, Finley Peter Field, Eugene Ford, Simeon Friedman, Isaac Kahn Griswold, A. Miner Harte, Francis Bret Hobart, George Vere Phillips, Henry Wallace Taylor, Bert Leston Taylor, Charles W. Wilson, Harry Leon Wister, Owen (1869- (1866- (1857- (1867- (1860- [8] OF NATIONS J THE YOUNGER AMERICAN HUMORISTS FAME is always playin' April fool thricks with the great. It pins a gold medal on th' chist iv th' hero, and as he sthruts down the sthreet he little knows that it has hung a sign on his coat tails sayin' "Plaze kick me." Mr. Dooley, D RINK Deep, or Cut Out the Pierian Spring Altogether. George Ade. w HEN you can't dig fru a wall climb ober it. C. B. Lewis. HE pours fort' his soul in torrent-like und loud teliferies ofer anydings at all, ved- der he oonderstand dem or nod. Hans Breitmann. " remember, I remember" A Something special? Not a bit; But you see this is September, And "remember" rhymes with it. Bert Lesion Taylor. [9] FORTHE GAIETY MISINTERPRETED symptoms of genius cause many young men to lose their jobs. Wilbur D. Nesbit. THE man who sticks to the cowpath may be able to drink milk, but he never wears diamonds. John Kendrick Bangs. THERE is as much difference between the American bath and the English bath as there is between immersion and sprinkling. Eugene Field. N O man that bears a gredge again' himsilf '11 iver be governor iv a state. Mr. Dooley. WHEN the tyrant asked him what style of death he wanted, he said he would rather die of extreme old age. He was will- ing to wait, he said. Bill Nye. MEN who habitually spoke of a yellow bird, a yellow hammer, a yellow leaf, always alluded to him as a yeller dog. Bret Harte. [10] H OF NATIONS E ain't got anything but his good family and a thirst. Harry Leon Wilson. JUST to kill time I've been dabbling in literature Time died a violent death, all right. John Henry. THAR'S no good tryin' to hold out kyards on your Redeemer. If your heart ain't right it's no use to set into the game. Alfred Henry Lewis. B USINESS is like oil it won't mix with anything but business. George Horace Larimer. EDUCATION will broaden a narrow mind, but there's no known cure for a big head. George Horace Lorimer. H E works like the devil after a Christian. Checkers. THERE'S no use expectin' a woman to see a joke unless it's marked down from something. 6". E. Kiser. [ii] FORTHE GAIETY WHEN a man ain't got no ideas of his own, he'd ought to be kind o' careful who he borrows 'em from. Owen Wister. "TIE always looks so poverty stricken. Al. I thought he had married a fortune." "He did, but he has discovered that the for- tune didn't marry him." C. W. Taylor. THERE may be some things I wouldn't admit for a thousand dollars, but I don't just recall them at the present time. Billy Baxter. SWELLED heads ain't got no room fer words ef savin' grace. L K. Friedman. LET us so live that when at last we pass away, our friends will not be immedi- ately and uproariously reconciled to our death. Bill Nye. THERE is in this weary old world, as much as a peck or a peck and a half, possibly, of thorns without their attendant roses. Robert J. Burdette. [12] OF NATIONS HE looked so aggravating clean it seemed kind of wrong for him to be outdoors; all the prairie and the cabin and everything looked mussed up beside him. Henry Wallace Phillips. ONCE in a while we may frow a boot- jack at a cat an' hit nuffin' but an ash-barrel, but de worl' in gineral am plenty good nuff fur de kind o' people who puts in der time heah. C. B. Lewis. A MAN goes out an' succeeds in keeping a fish fr'm escapin' fr'm a disappointin' meal, an' ye'd think fr'm what he says about it that th' two-pound bass found him sleepin' in a boat, called him names, thried to steal his watch, and was only over- powered afther a terrific sthruggle. Mr. Dooley. I do not think Our men of ink Our famous literary fellers Are seeking to Build toward the blue, But spend their time in digging "sellers." John Kendrick Bangs. [13] FORTHE GAIETY HERE'S a whole lot of difference be- Jl tween a great man of wealth and a man of great wealth. Them last is gettin' ter- rible common. Harry Leon Wilson. NEVER catch a dog by the tail if he has hydrophobia. Although that end of the dog is considered the most safe, you never know when a mad dog may reverse himself. Bill Nye. PEOPLE remember a lie ten years where they forget the truth in ten minutes. Wilbur D. Nesbit. IF you had thrown a Pebble into this Clump of Whiskers probably you would have scared up a Field Mouse and a couple of Meadow Larks. George Ade. NOBODY looks at him respectfully, as if they would like to kill him but don't dare to. Mr. Dooley. HIS heroines eat cold huckleberry pie and are so unfeminine as not to call a cow "he." Eugene Field, [14] OF NATIONS WHENEVER any one offers to let you in on the ground floor it's a pretty safe rule to take the elevator to the roof garden. George Horace Larimer. DON'T be too tough on society; for you never can tell when you'll be in society yourself. S. E. Kiser. "T is true," said Uncle Allen Sparks, "that you can't get blood out of a tur- nip, but neither can you get turnip juice out of a human being. Let's be fair to the turnip." C. W. Taylor. I N the midst of life we're in luck. Alfred Henry Lewis. AMID cheers, rice, shoes, and broad felicitations, the pair drove away. Owen Wister. WHIN me frind Schwa rtzmeister makes a cocktail all it needs is a few noodles to look like a biled dinner. Mr. Dooley. W HEN in Doubt, try it on the Box- Office. George Ade. [15] FORTHE GAIETY BUTTERMILK will cure freckles. Catch the freckle just before going to bed and wrap the buttermilk around it. John Henry. DE only diffrunce twixt men is what dey does atween de time dey is born an' die. We is all born equal an' we dies equal, but we don't live equal. /. K. Friedman. SOME of us are so busy telling what our ancestors did that our descendants will have to talk about the weather if they talk about anything. Wilbur D. Nesbit. I HEV obsarved dat good cloze an' impu- dence will pass fur riches and educashun. C. B. Lewis. A DENTIST is a man that puts a dent in your pocket-book. Bert Leston Taylor. I AM told that many a meritorious pro- duction has gone unpublished for years because the labor of deciphering the author's handwriting proved too much for the read- er's endurance. John Kendrick Bangs. [16] OF NATIONS IF a man only could live up to the verses he cuts out of magazines! Harry Leon Wilson. LIKE a good many people that I know th' Muse iv Histhry has a long mim'ry but 'tis inaccurate. Mr. Dooley. WHILE it is a good thing for a man to put his foot down, and we often hear him commended for so doing, it is certain that the man who never does anything else will never get anywhere. Robert J. Burdette. H IS chin's pushed too far back under his face. Harry Leon Wilson. THAT scared sort of a feelin' that comes to a person when they realize that Fate has her finger on the button. 5". E. Kiser. I'spect de music o' de angelic harps am sweet an* soft an' dreamy, but if dey want to keep us cull'd folks satisfied up dar a little mo' banjo and a little less harp am' de fust prescription. C. B. Lewis. [17] FOR THE GAIETY START awful early when you go to fool with him, or he will make you feel un- punctual. Owen Wister. NEVER send a present hoping for one in return. Nine times out of ten you will slip up on your expectations. Freeze to the present you buy. You are sure of that. Robert J. Burdette. SOME folks only practise so they may preach about it. Wilbur D. Nesbit. LIFE ain't in holding a good hand, but in playing a pore hand well. Alfred Henry Lewis. HE was an all-wool villain of the closest weave, built to hold sin like a Navajo blanket does water. Henry Wallace Phillips. THE ancient Greeks, no doubt, regarded taxidermy as the original skin-game of that period. Bill Nye. PUT faith in human natur' an' yet be eber ready to doubt. C. B. Lewis. [18] OF NATIONS " A H," said Mr. Hennessy, "it wud be all ** r-right if women 'd do their own cookin'." "Well," said Mr. Dooley, " 'twud be a return to Jacksonyan simplicity, an' 'twud be a gr-reat thing f'r th' resthrant business." Finley Peter Dunne. /CHARITABLE Housewife: Poor man! \J Life can't be worth much to one like you. Tuffold Knutt: You're right, ma'am. It ain't. But it don't cost much to live, and dat's sumthin'. C. W. Taylor. HE was the curiosest man about always betting on anything that turned up, if he could get any one to bet on the other side, and if he couldn't he'd change sides. Mark Twain. HUMAN natcher in de countree is de same ez human natcher in de city ; a hundred cents makin' one dollar everywheres. /. K. Friedman. MEN make fun of women for counting by pennies, but the trouble is they give the women so little money they have to count that way. Wilbur D. Nesbit. [19] FORTHE GAIETY POKER players are divided into two classes: the Companions of the Cold Feet, and the Little Brothers of the Boost, h " John Henry. EVERY fool has four dimes as much mis- chief in him, und ten dimes more re- fenge dan a vise man, und derfore he is fourdeen dimes more likely to pay you oop und hafe it out on you. Hans Breitmann. " QMOKING is the pastime of perdition," W insisted Mr. Whitechoker. "No, it isn't," retorted the Idiot. "Smoking is the business of perdition. It smokes because it has to." John Kendrick Bangs. WE can't help pitying the man who is so awkward with his mouth that he is constantly putting his foot into it. Eugene Field. IF thar ain't no reconciliations on earth, and everybody stands pat on them ha- treds an' enmities of his, whisky-drinkin' falls off half. Alfred Henry Lewis. [20] OF NATIONS it was a Happy Little Home, with the reverse English. George Ade. TO most people a savage nation is wan that doesn't wear uncomf 'rtable clothes. Mr. Dooley. THE cyclone is a natural phenomenon, en- joying the most robust health. Bill Nye. HE'S actin' jest like the world's his oyster and every month had an "r" in it at that. Harry Leon Wilson. THE lady on the dollar is the only woman who hasn't any sentiment in her make-up. George Horace Larimer. "/\H, slip on something and come down U quick!" His wife exclaimed with a frightened air. He did: and he feels he has been played a trick For he slipped on a rug at the top of the stair. Bert Lesion Taylor. [ai] FOR THE GAIETY HAR ain't no sense in gittin' riled. Bret Harte. WHY do women always cry at wed- dings?" asked one of the spectators. "It's to make the bridegroom feel that any woman would be throwing herself away by marrying him," replied the confirmed old bachelor; "the object is to take some of the starch out of him." C. W. Taylor. FORGIVE your neighbor, if you happen to need him afterward you can shake him again. Checkers. NOTHING'S queer except marriage and lightning. Them two occurrences can still give me a sensation of surprise. Owen Wister. TURN IN' a woman's head 's as easy as missin' a train if you know how. S. E. Kiser. H E could Articulate at all Times, whether he had anything to Say or not. George Ade. [32] OF NATIONS F'R mesilf I am more happy settin' down to an innocent meal with nawthin' but water than I wud be at a table with lashings iv dhrink not that night, but th* day afther. Mr. Dooley. H E vatch a ten or dwelf liddle girls, von of vitch vas a shmall poy. Hans Breitmann. IF he took a dhrop or two at all ye can bet that sometimes he took a dhrop or two too much. Mr. Dooley. THE man whose pantaloons bag most at the knees isn't necessarily the man who prays most. Robert J. Burdette. IF he even see a straddle-bug start to go anywhere, he would bet how long it would take him to get to to wherever he was going. Mark Twain. ACCEPT no man fur his fine talkreject no man fur his old clothes; stan' him out in de sunlight an' average him. C. B. Lewis. [23] FORTHE GAIETY THE safe side of a stock deal is the out- side. Robert J. Burdette. EVERY dream has its alarm clock. Wilbur D. Nesbit. HOWEVER attractive immortality was, he preferred mortality in the flesh to the other in abstract. John Kendrick Bangs. UNDOUBTEDLY when he spoke of newspaper reporters as "dogs" he in- tended to imply that they were brave, hon- est, faithful, sagacious, valiant, and perti- nacious. Eugene Field. YOUTH is gay and hopeful; age is cov- ered with experience and scars where the skin has been knocked off and had to grow on again. Bill Nye. YOU-ALL has no idee of the radius of that mule what you might call his sweep. You never will till he's kicked once or twice ; an' the information ain't worth no sech price. Alfred Henry Lewis. [24] OF NATIONS " IVE and let live" is my motto and if */ microbes and I both like Scotch-and- soda, why, what harm? Harry Leon Wilson. THERE'S a moral as big as a house in the story of the woman who was shot by a hunter who mistook her hat for a bird. Bert Lesion Taylor. I DON'T want to be a victim iv anny kind iv dhrink, but th' wan kind I'm par- ticTry afraid iv, is th' kind that is sold in prohybition states. Mr. Dooley. THE automobile is the rich man's wine and the poor man's chaser. Hugh McHugh. HERE are jest two things I like about a vacation," remarked Uncle Jerry Peebles, "the goin' away and the gettin* back." C. W. Taylor. I F God had never made women there wouldn't be any fools in the world. 5". E. Kiser. FOR THE GAIETY IF it is love that makes the world go round, certainly vanity first put it into motion. Henry Wallace Phillips. IF 15,000 people know something about a woman, my number is 14,999, and the husband's number is 15,000. Billy Baxter. w HEN you can't have what you choose, just choose what you have. Owen Wister. " WHERE you goin', Jasper?" "I'm ff goin' to town to get drunk ; an' gosh ! how I dread it!" The Fat Contributor. EVERAL persons openly Nero's policy and then died. criticised Bill Nye. IS betther to give thin to rayceive, says th' good book. Mind ye, it says bet- ther, not more nachral. Mr. Dooley. THE family used to have to treat him with cocaine before he could stand it to give up a nickel. Checkers. OF NATIONS ANY full-sized man ought to own a big lot of temper, and like all his valuable pos- sessions, he'd ought to keep it and not lose any. Owen Wister. IF a man am luny, put him among de luna- tics. De fact dat he am not put dar am reason fur holding him legally 'sponsible fur ebery act. C. B. Lewis. A SCHOOL teacher has been punishing her pupils by making them chew soap. A new way of lathering them. Bert Lesion Taylor. ALWAYS said he lost his temper, when most certainly he had it and was us- ing it. Robert 7. Burdette. I SHALL miss him, but there are those who wax fat on grief, and, if I know myself, I am of that brand. John Kendrick Bangs. D ON'T think because the bumble-bee has a velvety back that he's a soft thing. S. E. Kiser. [27] FORTHE GAIETY A FINISHING School is a Place at which Young Ladies are taught how to give the Quick Finish to all Persons who won't do. George Ade. A REGULAR mint julep of a month, with a dash of summer, a spring of spring, a touch of fall, and a sniff of winter to liven you up. Henry Wallace Phillips. A UTOMOBILES is like men. If they're ** fast they're soon all in, and if they ain't, nobody but good old ladies seem to take much interest in them. 5. E. Kiser. MISFORTUNE happens to you for your own good, and there are lots of people who will tell you so. Wilbur D. Nesbit. LUCK is confined strictly to the paleface; aborigines not knowing sufficient to be- come the target of vicissitoods, excellent or otherwise. Alfred Henry Lewis. 'W E knead thee every hour," is the motto of the massage cure. Eugene Field. [28] OF NATIONS APPEARANCES are deceitful, I know, but so long as they are, there's nothing like having them deceive for us instead of against us. George Horace Larimer. I MADE up meh mind den an' dere dat I'd quit stealin', riform, leave dese git-rich- quick schemes alone, an' earn a honest livin* by beggin'. I. K. Friedman. "| CAN'T say," observed Uncle Allen Sparks, "that I approve entirely of the tobacco habit; but did you ever think what a difference it might have made in the history of the world if Adam had had a chew of tobacco in his mouth when Eve tempted him with the apple?" C. W. Taylor. THE man who cannot tell a lie is not half so rare as he who does not always in- sist on blurting out the truth. Wilbur D. Nesbit. TH' cup that cheers and inebyrates ye to- night an' biteth like an asp and stingeth like an adder to-morrah mornin'. Mr. Dooley. [29] FOR THE GAIETY I HAVE so many troubles of my own get- ting home from any place at all, that I haven't time to keep tabs on other people. Billy Baxter. " 1J OW versatile your son is," said Mrs. H Oldcastle. "Oh! no he ain't at all," replied her hostess in sudden alarm, "he ain't never wrote a verse in his life. Both me and his pa expect him to be a business man." S. E. Kiser. NOW, how could I forget you was fifty, when you have been telling it to the boys so careful for the last ten years ! Owen Wister. HE was so slow in offering refreshments, and the evening before had been so heated, that I felt impelled to ring the bell, saying: "Permit me, sir, to extend to you the hospitality of your own apartments." The Fat Contributor. WHEN I sees a man who claims to be too good to watch a circus purceshun pass 'long de street, I nebber work fur him wid- out de cash in advance. C. B. Lewis. [30] OF NATIONS "W ELL> " said Mn Henness y " riche s if take wings." "Riches," said Mr. Dooley, "niver took wings fr'm annybody that was entitled to wear wings." Finley Peter Dunne. A LADY writes to recommend felt shoes for hens that scratch up the garden, as all barefoot hens do. This is certainly a new way to "shoo" a hen. Bert Lesion Taylor. MY mother, gettin* plumb desp'rate over my hoomility, offers me a runnin' hoss if I'd go co't a girl; on which o'casion I feebly urges that I'd rather walk. Alfred Henry Lewis. THOU art so frail a thing, thou New Year's token Yclept "ye resolution good," I feel Ye book wherein I note thee when unbroken Should bear ye title on ye back "Fragile." John Kendrick Bangs. SHAKESPEARE says, Be thrue to ye'er- silf an' ye will not thin be false t' ivry man. Mr. Dooley. FORTHE GAIETY WHEN you are in the right you can afford to keep your temper, and when you are Xjl JN in the wrong you can't afford to lose it. (T^ George Horace Larimer. PREDICT that a boy has a brilliant future and his eyes will get so weak from ad- miring it that he cannot see his way to it. Wilbur D. Nesbit. WHO does not love spring, the most joy- ful season of the year? It is then that the spring bonnet of the workaday world crosses the earth's orbit and makes the bank account of the husband and father look fatigued. Bill Nye. THERE'S no place where good manners shows to better advantage than on a homely man; the constant surprise between the way he looks and the way he acts keeps you interested. Henry Wallace Phillips. YOU might as well try to stop thunder by hollerin' "Shoo!" at it as to try to keep a woman from talkin* by lettin' her see you don't want to hear what she's goin* to say, S. E. Kiser. [32] OF NATIONS MORALLY considered they were alike neither of them had any morals. /. K. Friedman. JERRY," asked his down-town relative, "how do you like your vermi- celli soup?" "The soup is good enough," re- plied Uncle Jerry, "but it's a lot of bother to have to take out all these strings." C. W. Taylor. ADAM invented all the different ways in which a young man can make a fool of himself, and the college yell at the end of them is just a frill that doesn't change es- sentials. George Horace Larimer. H E had attained that high perfection when a man believes his own lies. Owen Wister. SEEMS to me instead of having a law limiting a man's wealth it would be bet- ter to have one limiting his poverty. Wilbur D. Nesbit. THE eye of a man is the prince of deadly weapons. Owen Wister. [33] FORTHE GAIETY IT is never too late to mend, because the older a man grows the more repairs he needs. Robert J. Burdette. I ASKED the old man what he was going to drink, and he said he would rather have the money. Billy Baxter. THERE'S only one thing you can be sure about women. Some of 'em wear finer clo's than others, and more jewelry; some of them have to scrub, while others have plate glass in the windows, but they all like pickles. S. E. Kiser. THINGS are not always what they seem. Many a girl wears a sailor hat who doesn't own a yacht. Billy Baxter. IN order to preserve an unspotted reputa- tion you have got to look out that nobody spots you. Simeon Ford. TO look at him, you'd think he wa'n't worth a cent, but to set around and look ornery, and lay for a chance to steal some- thing. Mark Twain. [34] OF NATIONS 1 IS a good thing to keep out iv what th' actors call th' spotlight, annyhow. It shows all the spots. Mr. Dooley. THE first thing any child does is to open his mouth wide as he can, and cry for half an hour louder than a full-grown man can shout. He has no use whatever for a nose except to snuffle with. Robert J. Burdette. IF you are a bright and shining light in so- ciety, you are probably a brunette fizzle as a husband. Bill Nye. IHEV obsarved dat charity kin make paupers almost as fast as a conflagra- shun. C. B. Lewis. D AY held a silent tialogue of trinks. Hans Breitmann. I'M nacherally slow to go decidin' bets ag'in a lady's looks, but I softens the statement a heap when I says she is uglier than a Mexican sheep. Alfred Henry Lewis. [35] FORTHE GAIETY PEOPLE will listen a great deal more pa- tiently while you explain your mistakes than when you explain your successes. Wilbur D. Nesbit. IN the chase for the gilded shekel the edu- cation of experience is better than the coddling of Alma Mater. John Kendrick Bangs, WE walk up and talk up, We stalk up and chalk up, And everywhere "up" 's to be heard ; We wet up and set up, But hanged if we let up On "up," the much overworked word. Eugene Field. A MAN is as good as he makes himself, but no man's any good because his grandfather was. George Horace Lorimer. TH' divvle take th' Muse iv Histhry, says I, a gadding, back-biting old dhress- maker, with a knock f'r ivrybody. She's spoiled all me heroes f'r me. Mr. Dooley. [36] OF NATIONS OME achieve automobiles, and some have automobiles thrust upon them. Simeon Ford. EF there's anything that gums the cards of life it is a kicker. Henry Wallace Phillips. A GERMAN dentist has invented paper teeth. Tischew paper, probably. Robert J. Burdette. TH' further ye get away fr'm anny peeryod th' better ye can write about it. Ye are not subject to interruptions be people that were there. Mr. Dooley. IF a boy ten years old should be whipped for breaking a window, what should be done to a man thirty-five for breaking the third commandment? Robert J. Burdette. I'M sorry dat I hit him, den, but de guy had a right ter holler an' tell meh dat he was deaf an' dumb in de first place. /. K. Friedman. [371 IP FORTHE GAIETY E looked like Rhode Island and Texas marching out together. L\ Billy Baxter. JJ THE mills of the gods grind slowly, but they pulverize middling fine. Bill Nye. D OAN drap fifty cents reachin' fur a dollar. C. B. Lewis. DE gal she prought von mass of beer after anoder so fast dat she lookt like a pro- cession goin' und comin'. Hans Breitmann. IF your children eat too much of the var- nish off their toys, feed them sandpaper, that they may acquire an interior polish. Wilbur D. Nesbit. A FOOL, when plagued by fleas by night, Quoth: "Since these neighbors so de- spite me, I think I will put out the light And then they cannot see to bite me!" Eugene Field. [38] OF NATIONS MONEY is responsible for more extrava- gance than any other commodity in ex- istence. John Kendrick Bangs. WOMEN, however, is partic'lar, and like bosses they shies at things thar ain't no danger in. Alfred Henry Lewis. T IIS harder to do evil thin good be stealth. Mr. Dooley. HE was such a Thorough Bohemian that Strangers usually mistook him for a Tramp. George Ade. THINK of a husky, two-fisted boy like him, lettin' himself be called by a measly little gum-drop name like Percival, when he's got a right to be called Pete. Harry Leon Wilson. I LRT is long why not hair? Bert Lesion Taylor. F you really had to play poker, I'm glad you stayed up all night to do it. Hugh McHugh. [39] FOR THE GAIETY INSTRUCTOR (at night school): Give me an example of an unfinished sentence. Shock-Headed Young Man: Go to! C. W. Taylor. THERE isn't any such thing as being your own boss in this world unless you're a tramp, and then there's the con- stable. George Horace Larimer. I'LL try to make the best of things, like the old crone who had only two teeth, but she said, "Thank God, they hit !" Checkers. A LITTLE fat, pompous man the kind of a man who could have made the world in three days and rested from the fourth to the seventh. Henry Wallace Phillips. TRY our lumpless bran for indigestion. Bill Nye. H ANS BREITMANN gife a barty Vhere ish dot barty now? Charles Godfrey Leland. [40] OF NATIONS HONOR yer f adder an' yer mudder, but doan lend de ole man much money on- less you have good security. C. B. Lewis. BEFORE marriage a woman expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after he dies she respects him. Wilbur D. Nesbit. FOR what shall it profit a doctor to save a patient, if practice, like virtue, be its own reward? John Kendrick Bangs. rquit is one of the symptoms of biblio- mania. When once the maniac reaches the point of announcing sporadically that he is done with his madness, we know that he has reached the incurable stage. Eugene Field. IF of all words of tongue or pen The saddest are these: "It might have been;" More sad are these we daily see, "It is but it hadn't ought to be." Bret Harte. FORTHE GAIETY A HARDSHIP a gent lives through ; but it's a tragedy when his light's put out. Alfred Henry Lewis. ALL th' wurruld loves a lover excipt sometimes th' wan that's all th' wurruld to him. Mr. Dooley. IT is not what Hubby has, but what he Hands Out, that helps one to Endure him as a Necessary Evil. George Ade. I SAID very sharply, "I have never known the taste of liquor in my whole life, nor used tobacco in any form." "Bless my soul ! Really? Young man, don't you put it off another day. Life is awful uncertain." Harry Leon Wilson. IF we can't make money honestly, let's us make it as honestly as we can. Bert Lesion Taylor. THERE is only one thing in this world more aggravating than a woman who gets noisy when she's mad, and that is one that gets quiet. George Horace Lorimer. [42] OF NATIONS EVERY mother's son of them talks like he'd been struck in the grammar by a ferryboat. Hugh McHugh. HERE'S no fool like a young fool, be- cause in the nature of things he has a long time to live. George Horace Larimer. trouble with you, Orville," said the frugal relative, "is that you always live up to your income." "No, it isn't," fiercely responded young Ardup. "All that ails me is that I can't live down to it." C. W. Taylor. IF I ever have a son, I'll begin storing up veal on the day he's born I'll need it if he takes after papa. Checkers. THERE'S an old maid at home who never knows whether she had better cross in front of a street-car or wait; I named the hen after her. Owen Wister. THAT man makes me think I need qui- nine every time I get anywhere near him. S. E. Kiser. [43] FOR THE GAIETY THE other night she sang "A Sailor's Life's the Life for Me" so realistically that Johnny Black got seasick. Billy Baxter. ONE should ever strive to tell the truth, even at some personal inconvenience, especially when one is likely to be found out anyway. Simeon Ford. " IV YE ^ink a Dimmycrat ought to take " office undher a Republican adminis- thration?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "If he wants office," said Mr. Dooley. Finley Peter Dunne. NOTHING is more conducive to travel than free passes. Simeon Ford. s HE came up like a human yeast cake. Billy Baxter. H NE toot on the tooter makes the whole world skin. 5. E. Kiser. IS pronunciation had whiskers on it till you could hardly tell the features. Henry Wallace Phillips. [441 OF NATIONS DOWN through the snow drifts in the street With blustering joy he steers; His rubber boots are full of feet And his tippet full of ears. Eugene Field. f\ BJECTIONABLE Tenant: You want " me to move out of your building? On what ground, may I ask? Irate Landlord: Any ground you darn please, so as you get off mine. C. W. Taylor. TO get a fair Trial of Speed, use a Pace- Maker. George Ade. MY theory about the mosquito is that he has humanity stung going and com- ing. John Henry. THAT curiosity which the devil contrives to kindle in God's most angelic women. Harry Leon Wilson. WHEN you size it up, you see that you can give yourself better advice than any one else can but you won't do it. Wilbur D. Nesbit. [451 FOR THE GAIETY E'S plumb off his mental reservation, an' crazy as a woman's watch. Alfred Henry Lewis. HERE are some minds that are so small * it would certainly ruin the eyes to read them. John Kendrick Bangs. ICKS, jiggers, and gnats, all doing a nice conservative business at once. Billy Baxter. M ANNY a man dodgin* a throlley car has been run over be an autymobile. Mr. Dooley. MY mother said, "Ah, my boy, I am afraid you will want those good bread crusts one of these days." I said so was I ; that was why I didn't eat them at the time, because if I did, then when I wanted them they would be gone. Robert J. Burdette. "ATHAT might it be that you've got in the box?" And Smiley says, sorter indifferent like, "It might be a parrot, or it might be a canary, maybe, but it ain't it's just a frog." Mark Twain. [46] OF NATIONS A TALENT is equal to about $1,000. I G wish I had been born more talented. Bill Nye. REATNESS may bring store cloze, but it doan' allus bring happiness. C. B. Lewis. AND he smiled a kind of sickly smile, and curled up on the floor. And the subsequent proceedings interested him no more. Bret Harte. UT of the house like drops squirted from a lemon came a man and his wife. Owen Wister. HE had decided to write for Posterity. Posterity hadn't heard anything about it, and couldn't get out an Injunction. George Ade. "1\ ' YE think a candydate ought to lay " quiet or keep in th' public eye?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "I don't know," said Mr. Dooley, "I'll only say this, if I wanted to be prisident I wud thry not to be a cinder in th' public eye." Finley Peter Dunne. [47] FORTHE GAIETY DE man what 'spects to get long an' hev sunthin to eat an' a place to live, hez to bounce aroun' an* let de worl' understand i dat he's on de git. C. B. Lewis. >> TWO or tree dutzend Angular-Saxon peo- ples of all sorts und gonditions were engaged in destroying tea mit toast, ecks mit paeon, or cafe. Hans Breitmann. THEY have summer to burn in Hades. John Kendrick Bangs. THE actress is old enough for heroic parts an obelisk or something of that char- acter. Eugene Field. THERE were four or five of us who got our heads together and decided that the war was inevitable, and consented to let it come. Then it came. Bill Nye. I THINK the idea of changing a green hillock into a treatise on indigestion, and making all the pretty trees along the roadside point their branches in the direc- tion of a drugstore, is wrong. Hugh McHugh. [48] OF NATIONS I KNOW something about markets and the way of the dollar, but all I know about women is that they are good to have. Harry Leon Wilson. SUMMER is the time o' year when the farmer gets square with the city for the gold brick. Bert Lesion Taylor. I T does some folks a heap of good to kill 'em a lot. Alfred Henry Lewis. TEACHER: What animal may be con- sidered the most warlike? Tommy (who hasn't looked at his lesson) : The armydillo, ma'am. C. W. Taylor. THE only animal which the Bible calls patient is an ass, and that's both good doctrine and good natural history. George Horace Larimer. H E wouldn't smile unless it was at an- other man's expense. Checkers. A LADY that made your heart jump up and hit you on the tonsils every time she looked you in the eyes. 5. E. Kiser. [49] H FORTHE GAIETY IS face expressed nothing at all, very forcible. Henry Wallace Phillips. I HAVE heard knockers in my time, but she is the original leader of the anvil chorus. Billy Baxter. WE don't mind being tied to a woman's apron strings, but we'd hate like thun- der to be hitched to her suspenders. Simeon Ford. I'D be as happy there as I am here, knowin' there ain't annything in th' wurruld I can do an' thin thryin' to do it. Mr. Dooley. I D NEVER believe in breaking a lady's heart just for practice. 5. E. Kiser. E man who w'ars his hat on his ear, shows de empty side of his head. C. B. Lewis. THAT'S the way with women. They can't have joy in their cup without spillin' it on themselves. Make them happy, and they will be sorry thinkin* how sad they'll be some other time. 5". E. Kiser. [50] OF NATIONS IN an argument with one's self the other side is usually silenced. Checkers. A COWARD '11 always go to shooting be- fore it's necessary, and there is no se- curity who he'll hit. Owen Wister. NEVER insult an acquaintance with harsh words when applied to for a favor. It is just as easy and ever so much pleasanter to lie to him, and tell him you haven't got it. He may know you are a liar, but he can't deny that you are a gentleman. Robert J. Burdette. I N uplifting, get underneath. George Ade. FAT, juicy mince pies that would assay at least eight hundred dollars a ton in raisins alone, say nothing of the baser metals. Harry Leon Wilson. I'VE seen manny a widow consoled f'r th' day be th' length iv the fun'ral proces- sion, an' manny a man be thinkin' how sthrong an' self-possessed he looked in his bereavement. Mr. Dooley. FORTHE GAIETY THERE are as big fish in the sea as ever were caught, because the big fish always get away. Wilbur D. Nesbit. IT is queer how big a family a lonely man finds he has when his star begins to twinkle. John Kendrick Bangs. DYSPEPSIA never kills, they say; yes, that's the sneaking villainy of the malady, it thwarts every high purpose and every ambition, and compels its prey to dodder and mope through life in a condition of perennial consciousness of his weakness and his helplessness. Eugene Field. ONE of those eateries where the waiters look wise because they can't speak English. John Henry. POVERTY talks, too, but nobody wants to hear what it has to say. George Horace Larimer. SOME people know when they have had enough, but when the General has had enough he doesn't know anything. Billy Baxter. [52] OF NATIONS GOOD clothes is never agin a man eny, an' yer kin say all yer wants 'bout clothes not makin' de man, but I knows what rags does ter a bulldorg. /. K. Friedman. THE right to maul your immediate de- scendants is guaranteed by the consti- tootion, an' is one of them things we-alls fights for at Bunker Hill. Alfred Henry Lewis. "QOME men," said Uncle Allen Sparks, O "are always making spiteful remarks about any man who succeeds. They seem to think the door of success will open to them if they do enough knocking." C. W . Taylor. DON'T ever lend your trouble, 'T will make it worse, alack! When people borrow trouble They always pay it back. Wilbur D. Nesbit. SOME of the most beautiful plants in the world's flora are parasites. Why should one root for a living? Bert Lesion Taylor. [53] FOR THE GAIETY HE was the kind to whip-saw you out of a hundred and then lend you five hun- dred, even if he had to rip the pelt off some- body else to get it. Henry Wallace Phillips. A PUBLIC back-down is an unfinished thing. Owen JVister. HAD Demosthenes lived until this spring, he would have been 2,270 years old; but he did not live. Bill Nye. I LIKE a man who has bin foolish 'nuff to git drunk, an' strong 'nuff to kick de temptashun ober a seven-rail fence. Den you knows whar to fin' him. He's bin dar and knows what a fool he was. C. B. Lewis. I WROTE him a letter that would have brought tears to a pair of glass eyes. Checkers. THEY entertains too high a regyard for each other to take to pawin' about pug- nacious, verbal or otherwise. Alfred Henry Lewis. [54] N OF NATIONS ERO had th' habits iv a bachelor, which he was fr'm time to time. Mr. Dooley. OME people are good because it comes high to be otherwise. George Ade. DERE was yet nefer porn on dis eart' a humane bein' und most of all a Deut- scher immortal who while learnin' a lan- guage tid not somedimes bronounce or out- speak in two or dree tifferent ways de same ding. Hans Breitmann. SO far as I can size him up the Good Fel- low puts in twelve hours a day trying to stab himself to death with gin rickeys, and the other twelve are devoted to yelling for help and ice water. John Henry. HAVIN' two women in love with you at once, and each thinkin' life will be a dreary waste for you if she don't consent, is worse than tryin* to ride a bicycle and lead a cow. S. E. Kiser. [55] FORTHE GAIETY THERE wasn't a thing served that any- one could pronounce. Billy Baxter. FAME is a bubble, and he who chases it loses more breath than he who blows it. Wilbur D. Nesbit. OH, when you come to crown my brow, Bring me no bay or sorrel ; Give me no parsley wreath, but just The legal long green laurel. John Kendrick Bangs. "OW are you going to feed all these 11 animals?" asked the sneering and in- credulous visitor, shortly before it began to rain. "They won't need any feed," replied Noah. "They'll be sea-sick." C. W. Taylor. DEY has made deir names so familiar in de newspapers an' de jails dat dey is famous widout wantin' ter be, which is hard when yer thinks ef de number ef peepul in dis world what is dyin' fer fame an' can't git it. I. K. Friedman [56] OF NATIONS PESSIMIST is a man who believes that there is deceit in the wagging of a T J] dog's tail. Wilbur D. Nesbit. NOTHING comes without calling in this world, and after you have called you've generally got to go and fetch it yourself. George Horace Larimer. I T'S a compliment when a widder shines up to a man. She's no amateur. Henry Wallace Phillips. HE is not handsome in the vulgar sense, but a manly figure, bold and uncom- promising, like those ye see in front iv a ready-made clothin* store. Mr. Dooley. THE average woman would rather take a beating any time than receive a tele- gram; it scares her worse than a mouse or a Chinaman on an opium drunk. Eugene Field. A GOOD many people have an idea that they will get to tell on their neighbors on the day of judgment. Wilbur D. Nesbit. [57] FORTHE GAIETY ADISP'SITION to make new rules for sech games of chance as enjoys his notice is perhaps his greatest failin'. His givin' way to this habit is primar'ly the cause of his bein' garnered in. Alfred Henry Lewis. PEOPLE have seen four and four make eight, and the young man and the small bottle make a fool so often that they are hard to convince that the combination can work out any other way. George Horace Larimer. SHE'S a good-looker; the kind of good looks I'd sooner see in another man's wife than mine. Owen Wister. EVIDENTLY we live in an age of infor- mation. You can get more information nowadays, such as it is, than you know what to do with. Bill Nye. MERCHANT: Yes, I sold you that keg of white lead. What's the matter with it? Customer: Well, it isn't white, and it isn't lead ; otherwise it's all right. C. W. Taylor. [58] w OF NATIONS HAR dar am no lawyers dar am no liti- gashun an' but few crimes. C. B. Lewis. ALWAYS advise a Friend to do that which you are sure he is not going to do. Then if his Venture fails you will re- ceive credit for having warned him. If it succeeds, he will be happy in the Oppor- tunity to tell you that you were Dead Wrong. George Ade. THRUST ivrybody but cut th' ca-ards. Mr. Dooley. A BULLDOG, searching his soul for sounds to tell how scart he was. Henry Wallace Phillips. B UTLERS are like poets. They have to be born that way. S. E. Kiser. IN some cornerland vhere Touristic or English influences hafe not benetrated, und beople ist not as yed cultured into in- civilidy, or utilized into boorishness. Hans Breitmann. [59] FORTflE GAIETY I'M not sure that I'd want to be an am- bassadure if I iver had to come home again. Th' life is gay but it unfits ye for home cookin'. Mr. Dooley. IN this world of human failin's there ain't anything ever can be as pure and blame- less and satisfying as the stuff in the bake- shop window looks like it is. Harry Leon Wilson. HOW true it is that the lion on the fence is always bigger, fiercer, and given to more majestic attitudes than the lion in the tent. And yet it costs us, as often as the circus comes around, fifty cents to find it out. Robert J. Burdette. THANKING you severely fur your in- fectious destraction, I 'rambulate to my seat wid oderiferous feelings of concentra- shun towards each and ebery one o' you. C. B. Lewis. IF de reader find any ding dot tid not please him, I peg him to remimper dot it vas poot in to prefent das Buch from peing too goot. Hans Breitmann. [60] UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY A 001 386 001 o