Cx LEANINGS FOR THE CURIOUS FROM THE Harvest-Fields of Literature. A MELANGE OF EXCERPTA, COLLATKIi I'.Y C. C. BOMBAUGH, A.M., M.D. " So she gleaned in the Held until even, ami beat out that :-he had gleaned : and it was about an epliah "(' barley." Rl ill '2 : 17. •• I have here made a nosegay of culled (lowers, and have brought nothing of my own but the string that ties them."— Montaignb. PHILADELPHIA: J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY. 1890. Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1874, by A. D. WOKTHINGTON & CO. in the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. iPretatorg. I am not ignorant, ne unsure, tfjat mans tfjcce are, oefore tofjose stgf)t tf)is ISoofc sfjall ftnoc small grace, anti lesse fabour. So tjarto a tfjing it is to torite or incite ang matter, tofjatsoeber it fie, tljat sfjoulfi fie afile to sustaine anb afitbe tfje bariafile judgement, ano to ofitaine or toinne tfje constant lobe an* allowance of eberg man, especially if it containe in it ang nobeltg or tmtoontefi strangenesse. — Raynald's Woman's Book. Bid him welcome. This is the motley-minded gentleman. As You Like It. A fountain set round with a rim of old, mossy stones, and paved in its bed with a sort of mosaic work of variously-colored pebbles. House of Seven Gables. A gatherer and a disposer of other men's stuff. Wotton. A running banquet that hath much variety, but little of a sort. Butler. They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. Love's Labor Lost. There's no want of meat, sir ; portly and curious viands are prepared to please all kinds of appetites. Massinger A dinner of fragments is said often to be the best dinner. So are there few minds but might furnish some instruction and en- tertainment out of their scraps, their odds and ends of thought. They who cannot weave a uniform web may at least produce a piece of patchwork ; which may be useful and not without a charm of its own. Guesses at Truth. It is a regular omnibus ; there is something in it to every- body's taste. Those who like fat can have it ; so can they who like lean; as well as those who prefer sugar, and those who choose pepper. ,„ t, Mysteries of Paris. Read, and fear not thine own understanding: this book will create a clear one in thee ; and when thou hast considered thy purchase, thou wilt call the price of it a charity to thyself. Shirley. In winter you may reade them ad ignem, by the fireside, and in summer ad umbram, under some shadie tree ; and therewith passe away the tedious howres. Saltonstall. INTRODUCTION. An earlier edition of Gleanings having attracted the hearty appro- val of a limited circle of that class of readers who prefer "a running banquet that hath much variety, but little of a sort," the present pub- lisher requested the preparation of an enlargement of the work. In the augmented form in which it is now offered to the public, the con- tents will be found so much more comprehensive and omnifarious that, while it has been nearly doubled in size, it has been more than doubled in literary value. Miscellanea of the omnium-gatherum sort appear to be as accep- table to-day as they undoubtedly were in the youthful period of our literature, though for an opposite reason. When books were scarce, and costly, and inaccessible, anxious readers found in "scripscrap- ologia" multifarious sources of instruction ; now that books are like the stars for multitude, the reader who is appalled by their endless succession and variety is fain to receive with thankfulness the cream that is skimmed and the grain that is sifted by patient hands for his use. Our ancestors were regaled with such olla-podrida as " The Galimaufry : a Kickshaw [Fr. quelque cfwse] Treat which comprehends odd bits and scraps, and odds and ends ;" or " The Wit's Miscellany : odd and uncommon epigrams, facetious drolleries, whimsical mottoes, merry tales, and fables, for the entertainment and diversion of good company." To the present generation is accorded a wider field for excursion, from the Curiosities of Disraeli, and the Commonplaces of Southey, to the less ambitious collections of less learned collaborators. " Into a hotch-potch," says Sir Edward Coke, " is commonly put not one thing alone, but one thing with other things together." The present volume is an expedient for grouping together a variety which will be found in no other compilation. From the nonsense of literary trifling to the highest expression of intellectual force; from the anachronisms of art to the grandest revelations of science; from selections for the child to extracts for the philosopher, it will accom- modate the widest diversity of taste, and furnish entertainment for all ages, sexes, and conditions. As a pastime for the leisure half-hour, at 1* v \l INTRODUCTION. home or abroad ; as a companion by the fireside, or the seaside, amid the hum of the city, or in the solitude of rural life; as a means of re- laxation for the mind jaded by business activities, it may be safely commended to acceptance. The aim of this collation is not to be exhaustive, but simply to be well compacted. The restrictive limits of an octavo require the winnowings of selection in place of the bulk of expansion. Gar- gantua, we are told by Rabelais, wrote to his son Pantagruel, commanding him to learn Greek, Latin, Chaldaic, and Arabic; all history, geometry, arithmetic, music, astronomy, natural philosophy, etc., " so that there be not a river in the world thou dost not know the name and nature of all itr fishes ; all the fowls of the air ; all the several kinds of shrubs and herbs ; all the metals hid in the bowels of the earth, all gems and precious stones. I would furthermore have thee study the Talmudists and Cabalists, and get a perfect knowledge of man. In brief, I would have thee a bottomless pit of all knowl- edge." While.this book does not aspire to such Gargantuan compre- hev.siveness, it seeks a higher grade of merit than that which attaches to those who "chronicle small beer," or to him who is merely "a snapper-up of unconsidered trifles." Quaint old Burton, in describing the travels of Paulus Emilius, says, "He took great content, exceeding delight in that his voyage, as who doth not that shall attempt the like? For peregrination charms our senses with such unspeakable and sweet variety, that some count him unhappy that never traveled, a kind of prisoner, and pity his case that from his cradle to his old age beholds the same still ; still, still, the same, the same." It is the purpose of these Gleanings to compass such "sweet variety" by conducting the reader here, through the green lanes of freshened thought, and there, through by-paths neglected and gray with the moss of ages; now, amid cultivated fields, and then, adown untrodden ways; at one time, to rescue from oblivion fugitive thoughts which the world should not "willingly let die," at another, to restore to sunlight gems which have been too long " underkept and down supprest." The compiler asks the tourist to accompany him, because with him, as with Montaigne and Hans Andersen, there is no pleasure without communication, and though all men may find in these Collectanea some things which they will recognize as old acquaintances, yet will they find many more with which they are unfamiliar, and to which their attention has never been awakened. ©onienl** The Freaks and Follies of Literature— Account of certain Singular Books— What are Pangrammata f—The Banished Letters— Eve' 's Legend— Alpha- betical Advertisement— The Three Initials— A Jacobite Toast— ■" The Begin- ning of Eternity"— The Poor Letter H—The Letters of the World— Traps for the Cockneys— Ingenious Verses on the Vowels— Alliterative Verses— "A Bevy of Belles"— Antithetical Sermon— Acrostics— Double, Triple, and Re- versed Acrostics— Beautiful and Singular Instances— T he Poets in Verse- On Benedict Arnold— Curious Pasquinade— Monastic Verses— The Figure of the Fish— Acrostic on Napoleon— Madame Rachael— Masonic Memento— " Hempe" '— " Brevity of Human Life" — Acrostic Valentine— Anagrams- German, Latin, and English Instances— Chronograms 25 |)alinbnmus. Beading in every Style— What is a Palindrome ?— What St. Mar-tin said to the Devil— The Lawyer's Motto— What Adam said to Eve— The Poor Young Man in Love— What Dean Swift wrote to Dr. Sheridan—" The Witch's Prayer"— The Device of a Lady— Huguenot and Romanist; Double Dealing. 59 dSqmboque. A Very Deceitful Epistle— A Wicked Love Letter— Wliat a Young Wife wrote to her Friend— The Jesuit's Creed — Revolutionary Verses— Double Deal- ings—A Fatal Mime— The Triple Platform— A Bishop's Evasion— The " Toast" given by a Smart Young Man— "T lie Handwriting on the Wall" — French Actresses— How Mdlle. Mars told her Age — A Lenient Judge— What Mdlle. Cico whispered to " the Bench." &4 yii Vlii CONTENTS. "A Cloak of Patches' 1 ''— How Centos are made— Mosaic Poetry— The Poets in a Mixed State— New Version of Old Lines— Cento on Life— A Cento from thirty-eight Authors— Cento from Pope— Biblical Sentiments— The Return of Israel— Religious Centos 73 "A Treatise on Wine" — Monkish Opinions — Which Tree is Best f— A Lover tvith Nine Tongues— Horace in a New Dress— What was Written on a Fly-Leaf— ■" The Cat and the Rats "—An Advertisement in Five Lan- guages— Parting Address to a Friend— 1 " Oh, the Rhine! "—The Death of the Sea Serpent 78 dljaitt Wtttt. Lasphrise's Novelties— Singular Ode to Death— On "The Truth"— "Long I looked into the Sky"— A Ringing Song— A Gem of Three Centuries Old 85 $3 oafs Itfnus. The Skeletons of Poetry— How the Poet Dvlot lost all his Ideas— The Flight of three hundred Sonnets— The "Nettle" Rhymes— How a Young Lady teased her Beau— Assisting a Poet— Miss Lydia's Acrostic— Alfred De MusseVs Lines— What the Due de Malakof wrote— Reversed Rhymes— How to make " Rhopalic " verses!— What they are 88 €mbkmaltc ^ojetrg. Poetry in Visible Shape— The Bow and Arrow of Love— The Deceitful Glass- Prudent Advice— A Very Singular Dirge— Poetry among the Monks— Sacred Symbols— A Hymn in Cruciform Shape— Ancient Devices— Verses within the Cross— Cypher-" TJ a 0, but I U"— Perplexing Printer's Puzzle— An Oxford Joke-The Puzzle of " The Precepts Ten"— A Mysterious Letter to to Miss K. T. J. 92 CONTENTS. ix PonosgHabUs. The Power of Little Words— How Pope Ridiculed them— The "Universal Prayer" —Example of Dr. Watts— Wesley's Hymns— Writings of Shake- speare and Milton— ■" Address to the Daffodils"— Geo. Herbert's Poems- Testimony of Keble, Young, Landor, and Fletcher— Examples from Bailey's " Festus"—The Short Words of Scripture— Big and Little Words Com- pared 98 Clje $)ible. Who wrote the Scriptures— Why— And When— Accuracy of the Bible— The Testimony of Modem Discoveries— Scope and Depth of Scripture Teaching— What Learned Men have written of the Bible— Testimony of Rousseau, Wil- berforce, Bolingbroke, Sir Wm. Jones, Webster, John Quincy Adams, Addi- son, Byron, &c.— Who Translated the Bible— Wicklif's Version— Tyndale's Translation— Matthew's Bible— Cranmer's Edition— The Geneva Bible— The Breeches Bible— The Bishop's Bible— Parker' s Bible— The Douay Bible- King James's Bible— The Number of Books, Chapters, Verses, Words, and Letters in the Old and New Testaments— The Bible Dissected— An Extra- ordinary Caladalion— Distinctions between the Gospels — The Lost Books — What the icord " Selah" means — The Poef?y of the Bible— Shakespeare's Knowledge of Sc?iplure— The " True Gentleman " of the Bible— Misquota- tions from Scripture— A Scriptural " Bidl" — Wit and Humor in the Bible— Sortes Sacra— Casting Lots with the Bible 103 %\z $fenu of 6ob. How God is known— His Name in all the tongues of Earth— Ancient Saxon Ideas of Deity— ■" Elohim" and "Jehovah" — The "Lord" of the Ancient Jeivs—" God in Shakesj>eare" — The Fatherhood of God— The Parsee, Jew, and Christian 127 The Name of Jesus— What does I. H. S. Mean?—De Nomine Jesu— What St. Bernardine did—" The Flower of Jesse" — Story of the Infant Jesus — Ancient Legends of Christ — Persian Story ; The Dead Dog — Description of Clirist's Person— The Death Warrant of Christ — The Sign of the Cross in Ancient America 130 X CONTENTS. Sfje ^orb's frager. Thy and Us— The "Spirit" of the Lord's Prayer— Gothic Version of the Fourth Century— Metrical Versions— Set to Music— The Prayer Illustrated— Acrostical Paraphrase— What the Bible Commentators Said— The Prayer Echoed— A Singular Acrostic 136 €tdt$in$titK. Anecdotes of Clergy— Excessive Civility— A Very Polite Preacher— Dean Swiff 8 sliort Sermon— •" Down wi'h the Dust"— An Abbreviated Sermon— Dr. DodcTs Sermon on Malt— Bombastic Style of Bascom—The Preachers of Cromwell* 8 time— When a man ought to Cough!— Origin of Texts— How the Ancient Prophets Preached— Clerical Blunders— Proving an Alibi— Whitefteld and the Sailors— Protestant Excommunication— The Tender Mercies of John Knox 143 puritan ^ttoliaritics. The Puritan Maiden " Tribby"—A Jury-List of 1658— An Extraordinary List of Names— Singular Similes— Early Punishments in Massachusetts— Vir- ginia Penalties in the Olden Timer-Primitive Fines for Curious Crimes — Staying away from Church— The "Blue Laws" of Connecticut— Hard Punishments for Little Faults 150 paronomasia. The Art of Pun-making— What is Wit?— Puns Among the Hebrews — A Pun- gent Chapter— Punning Examples— The Short Boad to Wealth — A "Man of Greece"— Witty Impromptus of Sydney Smith— Startling toast of Harry Erskine—" Top and Bottom"— The Imp of Darkness and the Imp o' Light— A Pinter's Epitaph— The "whacks" and the " slick "— " Wo-man " and " Whim-men"— Faithless Sally Brown— Whiskers versus Razors— Pleasure and Payne— Plaint of the old Pauper— To my Nose— Bad " acconntants " but excellent "book-keepers"— The Vegetable Girl— On an Old Horse- Grand Scheme of Education—" The Perilous Practice of Punning"— "Tu Portu Salus"— On a Youth who was killed by Fruit— The Appeal of Widow-Hood— Swiff s Latin Puns— Puns in Macbeth— Classical Puns and Mottoes— Mottoes of the English Peerage— Jeus-de-Mots— How ScJwlt Will- ing—A CataUctic Monody- Bees of the Bible— Franklin's " Be' s"— Funny " Miss-Nomers "— Crooked Coincidences— A Court FooVs Pun 155 CONTENTS. Xi ©trglisji lEorbs artb Jorms of degression:. Dictionary English— Number of words in the English Language— Language of of the Bible— Sources of the Language— Helping a Foreigner— Difficulties of the Language— Disraelian English— Why use " Ye" f—Its, His, and Her— How often " That " may be used— How many sounds are given to "ough "— A Literary Squabble— Concerning certain Wwds— Excise, Pontiff, Rough— Dr. Johnson in Trouble— Americanisms— " No Love Lost"— The Forlorn Hope— Quiz— Tennyson's English— Eccentric Etymologies— Words which have changed their Meaning— Strange Derivations— Influence of Names- Big Words and Long Natnes 182 (Tall SBrithrg. The Domicile erected by John— New Version of an Old Story — Curiosities of Advertising— Mr. Connors and his big Words— Curiosities of the Post Office— Singular Play Bill— Andrew Borde, his Book— The Mad Poet— Footers Funny Farrago— Burlesque of Dr. Johnson— Newspaper Eulogy— " Clear as Mud" — An Indignant Letter^-A Chemical Valentine— The Surgeon to his Lady-love — The Lawyers Ode to Spiing— Proverbs for Pre- cocious Pujrils 212 fflidnr |3ros.e. Unconscious Poetizing— Cowper's Rhyming Letter to Newton— Poetic Prose in Irving 's Knickerbocker— Example from Disraeli's " Alray" — Unintentional Rhythm in Charles Dickens' 1 works— Old Curiosity Shop and Nicholas Nickleby— American Notes— Versification in Scripture— Rhymes from Cele- brated Prosers— Curious Instance of Abraham Lincoln— Opinion of Dr. Johnson— Examples from Kemble and Siddons 223 Qfyt ljumors of Jfcrsificaiicn. The Story of the lowers— Mingled Moods and Tenses— The Stammering Wife— A Song with Variations—' " While She Rocks the Cradle" — A Serio- Comic Elegy — Reminiscence of Troy— Concerning Vegetarianism — W. C. Bryant as a Humorist — Address " To a Mosquito" — The " Poet " of the" Atlantic " —Bryants Travesty— A Rare Pipe— The Human Eai — A Lesson in Acous- tics—Amusing Burlesque of Tennyson— Sir Tray ; an Arthurian Idyl- All About the " Ologies"—The Variation Humbug— Buggins and the Busy Bee— Comical Singing in Church— The Curse of 0" Kelly 238 Xii CONTENTS. Pibwniana. Irish Bulls and Blunders— Miss Edgeworth on the " Bull"— Comical Letter of an Irish " M. P."— Bulls in Mississippi— American Bulls— The New Jail— A Frenchman's Blunder— The " Puir Silly Body" who wrote a Book— The "bulls" of Classical Writers— Bulls from every Quarter and of all kinds. 252 Slips of the Press— The Bishop Accused of Swearing— The Damp Old Church— From a French Newspaper— T lie Pig-killing Machine and the Doctor — Slips of the Telegraph— Simmons and the Cranberries— Finishing his Education— The Poets in a Quandary — Blunders of Translators — Bather Gigantic Grasshoppers — " Love's last Shift " — Amusing Blunder of Voltaire —"A Fortune Cutting Meat"— A New " Translation" of Hamlet— The Frenchman and the Welsh Rabbit 259 Misquotations. Curious Misquotations of Well-known Authors— Example of Collins— Sir Walter Scott in Error — Blunder of Sir Archibald Alison — Cruikshank as the Heal " Simon Pure "—Judge Best's " Great Mind "—Byron's Little Mistake . 266 fabrications. The Description of Christ's Person a Fabrication— •" Detector's" Charge against Scott— The "Ministering Angel" not a Fabrication— The Moon Hoax— A Literary " SeW'—Carlyle's Worshipers Outwitted— Mrs. Hemans' Forg- eries—Sheridan's " Greek"— Spurious Ballads— The Simple Ballad Trick — A Hoax upon Scott— Psalmanazar's Celebrated Fabrications— Benjamin Franklin's Parable— The Forgeries of Ireland— Imitations of Shakespeare. 269 $ntmnnieb ^ententes. The Judge and the Criminal— ■" Free from Guile"— Poor Mary " Confined"— Erskine's " Subscription"— A Satisfactory Note— " Little Ilel"— Going to War— The Poet Assisted; the Sun and the Fishes— Giving him the "lie"— De Quincey and the Fiend— Wit in the House of Commons 277 CONTENTS, Ancient Echo Verses— Address to Queen Elizabeth— London before the Restora- tion— Echo Song by Addison— A Dutch Pasquinade— The Gospel Echo- Echo and the Lover— Dean Swift's verses on Women— Buonaparte and the Echo— Fatal Verses— Why Palm, the Publisher, was shot— Remarkable Echoes— A Fatal Confession— Extraordinary facts in Acoustics— Hearing Afar Off 281 !»§§Im. Puzzles defended : their use and value— Exercise for the Mind — Ancient Per- plexities— ■" The Liar "—"Puzzled to Death"— A French rebus— Napoleon Buonaparte's Cypher— A Queer-looking Proclamation— A cut ious Puzzle for the Lawyers— Sir Isaac Newton's Riddle— Cowper's Riddle— Canning' s Riddle— A Prize Enigma— Quincy' s Comparison — Peiplexing Intermarriages —Prophetic Distich— The ■' Number of the Beast"— Galileo's Logograph— Persian Riddles— The Chinese Tea Song— Death and Life— The Rebus— What is it ?— The Book of Riddles— Bishop Wilberforce's Riddle— Curiosi- ties of Cipher— Secret Writing— Remarkable Cryptographs 290 %\t gcasoti Hljn. Why Germans Eat Sauer-Kraut— Why Pennsylvania was Settled— Whence the Huguenots derived their name— How Monarchs Die— Origin of the name of Boston— Concerning Weathercocks— Cutting off with a Shilling— Why Car- dinals hats are red— The Roast Beef of England— A Sensible Quack— Who was the first Gentleman— Solution of a Juggler's Mystery 310 fe%r«sb0m. Sheridan's Rhyming Calendar— Sir Humphrey Davy's Weather Omens— Jenner's "Signs of the Weather"—" The Shepherd's Calendar"— Predic- tions from Birds, Beasts, and Insects— Circles round the Sun and Moon- Quaint Old-time Prophecies— The Evil Days of every Month 317 0. £, anb $t S. Tne Julian and the Gregorian Calendars— Hmv Ccesar arranged the Calendar— The Julian Tear— Going faster than the Sun— Pope Gregory's Efforts- Origin of the New Style— " Poor Job's Almanac"— The Loss of Eleven Days— How the matter was Explained 325 XIV CONTENTS. Ptmoria fetlmica. The Books of the Old Testament— The Books of the New— Versified helps to Memory— Names of Shakespeare's Plays— List of English Sovereigns- Names of the Presidents— The Decalogue in verse— Short Metrical Gram- mar—Number of days in each Month— How Quakers Remember 327 Origin of firings (familiar. Mind your P'sand Q's—All FooVs Day— The First Playing Cards— "Sub ft 0sa »_" Over- tlie Left "— " .Kicking the Bucket "—The Bumper— A Royal Saying— Story of Joe Dun, the Bailiff— The First Humbug— Pasquinade— Tlte First Bottled Ale— The Gardener and the Potatoes— Tarring and Feathering— The Stockings of Former Time— The Order of the Garter- Drinking Healths— A Feather in his Cap— The Word "Book'"— Nine Tail- ors and One Man—" Viz "—Signature of the Cross— Tlie Turkish Crescent— The Post-jraid Envelopes of the Yith Century— Who first sang the "Old Hundredth?" WJw wrote the "Marseillaise Hymn?"— Thrilling Story of the French Revolution — The Origin of " Yankee Doodle" — Story of Lucy Lockett and Kitty Fisher— How Dutchmen sing " Yankee Doodle" — How the American Flag was chosen— Who ivas Brother Jonathan ? What is known of " Uncle Sam! "—The Dollar Mark [$] : what does it mean ?— Bows and Arrows in the Olden Time— All about Guns— The first Insurance Company— The Banks of three Centuries ago— The Invention of Bells— Who first said " Boo.'"— Who made the fir d Clock— The Watches of the Olden Time— AU about the Invention of Printing— The first Cockfights- Meaning of the word " Turncoat"— Who invented Lucifer Matches?— When was the Flag of England first unfurled— Why are Literary ladies catted "Blue Stockings ?"— Origin of the word " Skedaddle"— How Fools- cap Paper got its name— The First Foi-ged Bank-Note— Who made the first Piano Forte?"— The first Doctors— The first Thanksgiving Proclamation- First Prayer in Congress— The first Reporters— Origin of the word "News" —The Earliest Newspapers— Who sent the first Telegraphic Message.... 331 IMbmg ftfo ftlnbcr % Sun. First idea of the Magnetic Telegraph— Telegraph before Morse— Telegraph a Century Ago— Who made the first Steam Engine?— What Marian de rOrme saw in the Mad-house— What the Mqrquis of Worcester Did— Richelieu's Mistake-Wonderful Invention of James Watt-T he first Ocean CONTENTS. XV Steamer— Fulton and the Steam Engine— The first Balloon Ascension— What Franklin said about the Baby— An Inventor's Mistake— Discovery of the Cir- culation of the Blood— Whatis "Anaesthesia?"— How the First Anodyneswere made— How Adam 's "Bib" was taken from him— All about the Boomerang— Who Discovered the Centre of Gravity ?— The first Rifle— Table-moving and Spirit-rapping in Ancient Times— What is " Auscultation?"— The Stereoscope— Ancient Prediction of the Discovery of Ameri ca 375 Criumpljs of $irgcmritg. How the Planet Neptune was Discovered— Le Verrier's Wonderful Calculation— The Sto?y of a poor Physician— An Astronomer at Home— How Lescarbaull became Famous— The Discovery of the Planet Vulcan— Ingenious Strategem of Columbus— How an Eclipse ivas made Useful— Story of King John and the Abbot— A Picture of the Olden Time— Clever Eeply to Three Puzzling Questions— The Fatlier Abbot in a Fix 395 %\t Jfanchs of Jmi. The Wounds of Julius Ccesar—Soyne Curious Old Bills— ■" Mending the Ten Com- mandments"— Screwing a Horn on the Devil— Glueing- a bit on his Tail— Repairing the Virgin Mary before and behind— Making a New Child— Why Bishops and Parsons have no Souls— The Story of a Curious Conversion- Singular Prayer of Lord Ashley— A Moonshine Story of Sir Waller Scott- Do Lawyers tell the Truth?— Patrick Henry's Little Chapel— The True Form of the Cross— How Poets and Painters have led us astray— Curious Coincidences— How a Bird was Shot with a Stick— How a Musket-shot in the Lungs saved a Man's life— Mysterious Tin Box found in a Shark's Stomach— A Curious Card Trick— Which icas the right Elizabeth Smith?— How Mrs. Stephens's Patients ivere Cured— How a GirVs Good Memory Caught a Thief — Choosing a Motto for a Sun-dial— Strange Story of a Murdered Man— The Chick in the Egg— Innate Appetite— The Indian and the Tame Snake— Why do Alligators Swallow Stones?— Curious Anecdote about Sheep— Celebrated Journeys on Horseback— A Horse that went to top of St. Peters' at Rome— A Wonderful Lock— Wonders of Manufacturing— How Iron can be made More Precious than Gold— The Spaniard and his Emeralds— How a Cat was sold for Six Hundred Dollars— Another Cat sold for a Pound of Gold— The amoun t of Gold in the World— Amount of Treasure collected by David— How much Gold was found in California— What was brought from Australia— The Wealth of Ancient Romans— Wine at Two Million dollars a Bottle, or $272 per drop— Who is permitted to drink it— Monster Beer Casks, and who made XVi CONTENTS. them- Gigantic Wine-tuns at Heidelberg and Konigstein—A Beer-vat in tohich Two Hundred People Dined -Difference between the English Poets- Perils of Precocity— Children who were too Knowing— What became of 146 Englishmen who ivere confined in the Black Hole— How the Finns make Barometers of Stone— Singular Bitterness of Strichnia— Something about Salt — Curious Change of Taste— The Children of Israel armed ivith Guns- Simeon with a pair of " Specs " —Eve in a handsome Ftounced Dress -St. Peter and the Tobacco Pipe— Abraham shooting Isaac icith a Blunderbuss— The Marriage of Christ with St. Catherine— Cigar-lighters at the Last Supper -Shooting Ducks with a Gun in the Garden of Eden— Wonderful Specimens of Minute Mechanicm— Homer in a Nutshell— The Bible in a Walnut— Squaring the Circle— Mathematical Prodigies— Story of a Wonder- ful Boy-Babbage's Calculating Machine— Extraordinary Feats of Memory— A Bishop's Heroism— Silent Compliment 406 &lje Janties of Jfati.-coNTiNUED. The Exact Dimensions of Heaven— The cost of Solomon" s Temple— The Mystic Numbers " Seven " and " Three"— Curious power of Number Nine— Size of Noah's Ark and the Great Eastern— About Colors: their Immense Variety— Vast Aerolites, and what they are— Fate of America's Discoverers— Facts about the Presidents— Value of Queen Victoria'' '$ Jewels— An Army of Women— The Star in the East— Benjamin Franklin's Court Dress— Extraor- dinary instances of Longevity— Do Americans live long?— A man who lived more than 200 years—" Quack-quack"' 1 and " Bow-wow "—A Marriage Vow of the Olden Time—" Buxum in Bedde and at the Boi'de "— What came in a dream to Her schel— Singular Facts about Sleep— Curious Chinese Torture— Do Fishes ever Sleep f— How a Bird Grasps his Perch when Asleep— How to gain Seven Years arid a half of Life— Effects of Opium and Indian Hemp— Confes- sion of an English Opium- Eater— Strange Effects of Fear— The Thief and the Feathers— The Poisoned Coachman— How a Man Died of Nothing— What Chas. Bell did to the Monkey— A Man ivith Two Faces— Thrilling Story of a " Broken heart "—NoCornfort in being Beheaded— A Man who Siwke after his Hi ad was cut off— A Man who Lived after Sensation was Destroyed— Comical Antipathies— Afraid of Boiled Lobsters— A Fish and a Fever— Why Joseph Scaliger couldn't Drink Milk— The Man who Ran away from a Cat— About the Cock that Frightened Cozsar — The Two Brother's with One Set of feelings— How Dennis Hendiick won his Strange Bet— Walking Blind-folded —How to Tell the Time by Cats' Eyes— How a Young Woman was Cured by a Ping— The Story told by a Skull— A Romantic Highway Robber. . 435 CONTENTS. XVl'l fnngtilar Customs. The Coffin on the Table— Queer Mode of Enjoying Oneself— A Beautiful Indian Custom— Why the People of Carazan Murder their Guests— Danger of Being Handsome— How an Evil Spirit was Frightened Away— Beefsteaks from a Live Cow— Compliments Paid to a Bear— How Noses are Made— How Lions are Caught by the Tail— A Picture of High Life Four Centuries Ago— Why Hairs were put in Ancient Seals— Fining People for not Getting Married— A Curious Matrimonial Advertisement 477 Odd Titles for a Sham Library— Puns of Tom Hood — The Jests of Hierocles— Curious Letter of Rothschild 's — Some Singularly Short Letters — A Disappoin t- ed Lover— ■" The Happiest Dog Alive"— What Happened Between Abernethy and the Lady— Witty Sayings of Talleyrand— Why Rochester's Poem was Best— How the Emperor Nicholas was " Sold"— Difference Between ." Old Harry'''' and " Old Nick" — Comical Story of a very Mean Man— Instances of Audacious Boasting— Chas. Mathews and the Silver Spoon— How a King Upset his Inside— Curious Story of Some Relics — What " Topsy's" Other Name Was— Minding their P's and Q 's— Practical Jokes of a Russian Jester. 482 Jlas^s of lltparfee. Curran and Sir Boyle Roche— Witty Reply of a Fishwoman—Cobden and the American Lady — Witty Suggestion of Napoleon — Making " Game" of a Lady— The Road that no Peddler ever Traveled— " A Puppy in his Boots.'"— A Quaker's Queer Suggestion— What the Girl said to Curran— A Man who had "never been Weaned"— Ready Wit of Theodore Hook— '■'■Chaff" between Barrow and Rochester— A Windy M. P.— A Clergyman known by his " Walk"— A Man who "had a Right to Speak"— The " Weak Brother " and Tobacco Pipes— Beecher Lecturing for F-A-M-E— Admiral Keppel and the He- Goat — Thackeray and the Beggar- Woman — What Paddy said about " Ayther and Nayther" — Scribe and the French Millionaire — Voltaire and Holler — Why Paddy "Loved her Still" — Bacon and Hogg — "^1 Most Excellent Judge" — Thackeray Snubbed — Christian Cannibalis?n — How a Barrister's Eloquence was Silenced 495 ®Ij£ S$£*£S. Masculine and Feminine Virtues and Vices— Character of the Happy Woman — What Mrs. Jameson said about Women— Old Ballad in Praise of Women — xviii CONTENTS. The Two Sexes Compared— What John Randolph said in Praise of Matri- mony— 'Wife; Mistress; or Lady?— St. Leon's Toast to his Mother. ... 501 Posltm SHisbom. The Caliph of Bagdad— Shrewd Decision of a Moslem Judge— A Question of Dinner— How the Money was Divided— The Wisdom of Ali—The Prophets Judgment: Wisdom and Wealth— Mohammedan Logic— The Foolish Young Man who Fell in Love— Queer Case of Consequential Damages— Sad Blunder of Omar— A Perplexing Turkish Will— The Dervise's Device 508 feerpta from |)*rsian jpoelrg. Earth an Illusion— Heaven an Echo of Earth— A Moral Atmosphere— Fortune and Worth— Broken Hearts— To a Generous Man— Beauty's Prerogative- Proud Humility— Folly for Oneself— An Impossibility— Sober Drunken- ness—A Wine Drinker's Metaphors— The Verses of Mirtsa Scliaffy—The Unappreciative World— The Caliph and Satan— Curious Dodge of the Devil 511 epigrams. An Epigram on Epigrams— Midas and Modern Statesmen—" Come Gentle Sleep'" — A Man who Wrote Long Epitaphs — The Fool and the Poet — "Dum Vivimus Vivamus " — Dr. Johnson and Molly Ashton—A Know- Nothing— Epigram on " Our Bed''' — On a Late Repentance— A Pale Lady with a Bed-Nosed Husband— Snowflakes on a Lady's Breast— To John Milton— Wesley on Butler— Ridiculous Compliment to Pope—AtJwl Brose — What is Eternity— Stolen Sermons — Comical Advice to an Author — A Frugal Queen— Man With a Thick Skull— Miss Prue and the Kiss— A Ready- Made Angel— The Lover and t/ie Looking- Glass— A Capricious Friend — A Man who Told "Fibs"— Unlucky End of a Scorpion— The Lawyer and the Novel— A Woman's Will— Wellington'' s Big Nose— The Miser and his Money— On Bad Singing — Old Nick and the Fiddle— Foot-man versus Toe- man — "Hot Corn"— Bonnets of Straw — An "Original Sin" Man — On Writing Verses— Prudent Simplicity— A Friend in. Distress — Hog v. Bacon — A Warm Reception— Taking Medical Advice— Definition of a Dentist— Dr. Goodenough's Sermon— What Might Have Been— A Reflection— The Woman in the Case — How Lawyers are "Keen"— Dux and Drakes— The Parson's Eyes— "He Didn't Mean Her"— Affinity Between Gold and Love— The Crier who Could not Cry— The Parson and the Butcher— A Hard Case of Strikes— Coats of Male— The Beaux upon the Quiver— On Burning Widows— CONTENTS. XIX Learning Speeches by Heart— A Golden Webb— The Jawbone of an Ass- Walking on her Head— Marriage a la mode— Quid Pro Quo— Woman, pro and con — Abundance of Fools— The World—" Terminer Sans Oyer''''— Seeing Double ~15 Impromptus. Dr. Young and his Eve— How Ben Jonson Paid his Bill— What Melville said to Queen Elizabeth— The u Angel" in the Pew— How Andrew Horner was Cut up— What Hastings Wrote of Burke— Impromptu of Dr. Johnson— Burlesque of Old Ballads— What was " Punning in a Lady's Head"— Im- provised Rhymes— Like unto Judas— How the Devil got his Due— The Writ- ing on the Window— "■ I Thought so Yesterday"— What is Written on the Gates of Hell— Burns' 1 " Grace before Meat " 538 Ucfratforg lljjgmhtg. Julianna and the Lozenges— Brougham's Rhyme for Morris— The French Speculator's Epitaph— What is a Monogomphe— Rhymes for Month, Chim- ney, Liquid, Carpet, Window, Garden, Porringer, Orange, Lemon, Pilgrim, Widow, Timbuctoo, Niagara, Machonochie— Rhyme to Gottingen—The Ingoldsby Legends— Punch' 's Funny Rhymes — Chopin's Rhyme to Brimble- comb— Butler's Rhyim to Philosopher— A Rhyme to Germany— Hood's Nocturnal Sketch 534 ©aUnthus. A Strategic Love-Letter— Love-Letter in Invisible Ink— Secret Invitation Con- cealed in a Love-Letter— Macaulay's Essay to Mary C. Stanhope— Love- Verses of Robert Burns— Teutonic Alliteration— Singular Letter in Three Columns— Love- Letter Written in Blood— A Valentine in Many Languages- Practical Joke on a Colored Man— Unpublished Verses of Thomas Moore— An Egyptian Serenade— Petition of Sixteen Maids against the Widows of South Carolina— Unlucky Petition to Madame de Maintenon 544 bonnets. How the Fourteen Lines were Wiitten— Sonnet on a Fashionable Church— On the Proxy Saint— About a Nose— On Dyspepsia— Humility— Ave Maria.'... 551 Conformity of %tn$t to Sonnb. Articulate Imitation of Inarticulate Sounds— Example from Pope— Milton's *' Lycidas " —From Dyer's '■'•Ruins of Rome"— Imitations of Time and CONTENTS. Motion— " H Allegro"— Pope's " Horner"— Dry den's " Lucretius"— Milton s " 11 Penseroso"—Fine Examples from Virgil— Imitations of Difficulty and Ease. 551 familiar Quotations from Unfamiliar Sources. "No Cross, no Crown"— 11 Corporations have no Souls"— •" Children of a Larger Growth"—" Consistency a Jewel "— " Cleanliness next to Godliness"— "He's a Brick"— " When at Rome, do as the Romans"—" Taking Time by the Forelock"—" What will Mrs. Grundy Say ?"—" Though Lost to Sight, to Memory Dear"— " Conspicuous by its Absence"— " Do as I Say, not as I Do"— " Honesty the Best Policy"—" Facts are Stubborn Things"— " Corn- parisonsare Odious"—" Dark as Pitch"—" Every Tubon its oivn Bottom" — Two Pages of Examples, In teresting, Amusing, and Instructive 556 Cljarcbnarb JTitcratnre. Epitaphs of Eminent Men— Appropriate and Rare Inscriptions— Franklin's Epitaph on Himself— Touching Memorials of Children— Historical and Biographical Epitaphs— Self-Written Inscriptions— Advertising Notices- Unique and Ludicrous Epitaphs— Puns in the Churchyard— Puzzling In- scriptions—Parallels Without a Parallel— Bathos— Transcendental Epitaph— Acrostical Inscriptions— Indian, African, Hibernian, Greek Epitaphs— Palchivork Character on a Tombstone— The Printer's Epitaph— Specimens of Exceedingly Brief Epitaphs— Highly Laudatory Inscriptions— A Chemical Epitaph— On an Architect— On an Orator— On a Watchmaker— On a Miserly Money Lender— On a Tailor— On a Dancing Master— On an Infidel— On Voltaire— On Hume— On Tom Paine— ■" Earth to Earth"— Byron s In scription on his Dog . . 564 Inscriptions. Old English Tavern Sign-Boards— Curious Origin of Absurd Signs—" The Magpie and Crown"— " The Hen and the Razor"—" The Sivan-uithtwo- Necks"— Singular Statement of Sir Joseph Bants— " The Goat and Com- passes"— The " Signs" of Puritan Times— A Curious " Reformation" - "The Cat and the Fiddle"— " Satan and the Bag of Nails"— Ancient' Signs in Pompeii— The Four Aivls and the Grave Monis— The " Queer- Door," and the "Pig and Whistle"— Heraldic Signs of the Middle Ages— " Ihavea Cunen Fox, Ac.' —Versified Inscriptions— Cooper and his " Zwei Glasses 1 '— How a Sign Cose a Man his Life— An Inscription in Four Columns— Beer-lug Inscriptions— Inscriptions on Wmdow-Panes— Quaint Descrintion of an Inn in the Olden Time— Curious Inscriptions on Bells— CONTENTS. XXI Baptising and Anointing Bells— The Great Tom of Oxford— Amusing Old Fly-Leaf Inscriptions— Sun- Dial Inscriptions— Memorial Verses— Frances Singular Discovery— Golden Mottoes—" Posies' 1 '' from Wedding Rings.. 615 parallel passages. Imitations and Plagiarisms of Authors— Curious Coincidences — Examples from Young, Congreve, Blair, and Shakespeare— Imitations of Otway, Gray, Milton, and Rogers— The Blindness of Homer and Milton— What Hume said of the Clergy— How Praise Becomes Satire— Parallel Passages from the English Poets— Singular Examples from Shakespeare— Shakespeare's Ac- quaintance with the Latin Poets — Thoughts Repeated from Age to Age^ Which was the True Original?— Historical Similitudes— What Radbod said with his Legs in the Water— Why Wulf, the Goth, wouldn't be Baptised — Why an Indian Refused to go to Heaven— Curious Choice of a Woman- Last Words of Cardinal Wolsey— Death of Sir James Hamilton— Solomon's Judgment Repeated— Why two Women Pulled a Child's Legs— How Na- poleon Decided Between two Ladies— The Hindoo Legend of the Weasel a^d the Babe— The Faithful Dog: a Welsh Ballad— Singular Murder of a Clever Apprentice— Ballads and Legends— Terrible Story of an old Mid- wife—What a Clergyman did at Midnight— How Genevra was Buried Alive— The Glwst which Appeared to Antonio— Strange Story of a Ring— Death Prophecies— What was done before three Battles— How an Army of Mice Devoured Bishop Hatto 640 frototgpes. The Oldest Proverb on Record— Curious Wish of an Old Lady— Cinderella's Slipper— How an Eagle Stole a Shoe, and a King Chose a Wife— Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures—' '' The Charge of the Light Brigade"— Dr. Faustus and tlve Devil— " Blown up" Cushions— What the " Poor Cat V the Adage" Did— The Lady with Two Cork Legs— The Pope's Bull against the Comet— Lincoln "Swapping Horses"— Wooden Nutmegs— Trade Union* Two Centuries Ago— Consequential Damages— The Babies that Never were Born— The Original Shylock—Druidical Excommunication— Fall of Na- poleon I.— Lanark and Lodore—The Song of the Bell—TurgoVs Eulogistic Epigraph on Franklin— Origin of the Declaration of Independence— The Know-Nothings— The first Conception of the Pilgrim's Progress— Did Defoe Write Robinson Crusoe?— Talleyrand' t Famous Saying: Whence?— Mistake about Drinking out of Skulls— Great Literary Plagiarism— Origin of Old Ballads— The Story of the Wandering Jew <>!W Xxii CONTENTS. Curious §)ooks. Did Books with Odd Titles— ■" Shot Aimed at the DeviPs Headquarters"— " Crumbs of Comfort for the Chickens of the Covenant"— ■" Eggs of Charity Layed by the Chickens of the Covenant, and Boiled with the Water of Divine Love"— ■" High-heeled Shoes for Dwarfs in Holiness"—' " Hooks and Eyes for Believers'' Breeches"— -" Sixpenny 'worth of Divine Spirit"— " Spiritual Mustard Pot"— " Tobacco Battered and Pipes Shattered"— "News from Heaven"— The Most Curious Book in the World— A Book that was never Written or Printed, but which can be Read— The Silver Book at Upsal— What is a Bibliognoste ?—W hat a Bibliographe ?—What a Bibliomane ?— What a Bibliophile and a Bibliolaphe? 720 JTiltrariana. The Mystery of the " Letters of Junius"— Who Wrote Them?— What Canning and Macaulay Thought— A Well-kept Secret— Original MS. of Gray's Elegy— The Omitted Stanzas— Imitations— Hcno Pope Corrected his Manu- script—Importance of Punctuation : Comical Errors — " A Pigeon Making Bread"— How many Nails on a Lady's Hand— A Comical Petition in Church— The Soldier who Died for want of a Stop— Indian Heraldry- Anachronisms of Shakespeare— King Lear's Spectacles— The Heroines of Shakespeare— Shakespeare's Life and Sonnets Compared— Was He Lame ?— The Age of Hamlet— Was He Really Mad ?— Additional Verses to "Home, Sweet Home "— The Falsities of History— Two Views of Napoleon— Clarence and the Butt of Malmsey— True Character of Richard III— The Name "America" a Fraud— Lexington and the "First Blood Shed"— Eye- witnesses in Error— Curious Story of Sir Walter Raleigh— The Difference between }M,t and Humor— A Rhyming Newspaper— Ruskin's Defence of Book-Love? s— Letters and their Endings— Shrewd Words of Lord Bacon. 123 fifoati. Account of some Famous Linguists— A Man who Knew One Hundred and Eleven Languages— A Cardinal of Many Tongues— Elihu Burnt, the Learned Blacksmith— Literary Oddities— Curious Habits of Celebrated Authors— How they have Written their Books— Racine's Adventure with the Workmen- Luther in his Study— Calvin Scribbling in Bed— Rousseau, Le Sage, and Byron at Work— Fontaine, Pascal, Fenelon, and De Quincey— Whence Bacon SouqM Inspiration— Culture and Sacrifice— The Sorrows and Trials of Great Men— Sharon Turner and the Printers— A Stingy Old Scribbler— CONTENTS. XX111 Dryden and His Publisher— Jacob Tonson's Rascality ; how lie Tned to Cheat the Poet 756 personal S&kU|jes anb ^.iwcboies. Anecdote of George Washington— What Lafayette said to the King of France- Peculiarities of the Name Napoleon— How Napoleon Remembered Milton at the Dreadful Battle of Austerlitz—The Emperor's Personal Appearance— His Opinion of Suicide— Benjamin Franklin's Frugal Wife— Major Andre and the " Cow- Chase "—An English View of Andre and Arnold— How the Astronomer Royal Found an Old Woman's Clothes— The Boy who set Fire to an Empty Bottle— Curious Views of Martin Luther— The Hero of the Reformation — Carlyle's Translation of Luther's Hymn — Curious Account of Queen Elizabeth— What She Said to the Troublesome Priest— What was the Real Color of Her Hair?— Was Shakespeare a Christian?— Personal De- scription of Oliver Cromwell— How Pope's Skull ivas Stolen— What Became of Wickliffe's Ashes— The Folly of Two Astrologers— Anecdotes of Talley- rand— Parson's Puzzles 763 Historical Pemoranba. The First Blood of the Revolution— The " Tea-Party" at Boston— Tea-Burning at Annapolis— The First American Ships of War— How Quinn Borrowed Tivenly Pounds of Shakespeare— Diabolical Proposition of Cotton Mather— A Rod in Pickle for William Penn—Hoio he Escaped— An American Monarchy— Origin of the '■'Star-Spangled Banner"— Origin of the French Tri- Color— How the Newspapers Changed their Tune— Story of Eugenie's Flight from France— Rise and Fall of Napoleon III— ■" L'Empire e'est la Paix"— Jefferson's Idea of Marie Antoinette— Blucher's Insanity The Secret of Queen Isabella's Daughter— Was Mary Magdalene a Sinner?— The Husband of Mother Goose, and what He Did— History and Fiction : which true?— Verdicts which Posterity have Reversed — Great Events from Little Causes— Why Queen Eleanor Quarreled with her Husband— Story of Queen Anne's Gloves— How the Flies Helped Forward the Declaration of Inde- pendence—The Discovery of America— Story of Annie Laurie— Who was Robin Adair?— Was Joan of Arc Really Burnt?— The Mystery of Amy Robsart's Death— Anecdotes of William Tell— Who Was He?— "■Society" in the Time of Louis XIV— How Cromwell Tricked his Chaplain— The Last Night of the Girondists— Elizabeth, Essex, and the Ring 782 XXiy CONTENTS. Poliam in f arbo. Much Meaning in Little Space— Coleridge and the Beasts— " Boxes" thai Govern the World— 11 ! Cannot Fiddle"— •" Like a Potato"— The Vowels in Order— Balzac's Instance of Self- Respect— Whom do Mankind Pay Best?— Comical Instance of Wrong Emphasis—" Vive la Mort ! "—Motto for all Seasons— Curious Grace before Meat 823 £ifc anir §tnfy. What is Death?— Bishop Hebers " Voyage of Life"— Curious Poem of Dr. Home—" The Round of Life"— Hugh Peters' Legacy to his Daughter- Franklin's Moral Code— How to Divide Time— Living Life over Again— Rhyming Definitions— What is Earth?— Curious Replies— Rhyming Char- ter of William the Conquerer— Puzzling Question for the Lawyers— What Rabbi Joshua Told the Emperor— Dying Words of Distinguished Persons- Last Prayer of Mary, Queen of Scots— Extraordinary Case of Trance- Curious Question about Lazarus— Preservation of Dead Bodies— Corpse of a Lady Preserved for Eighty Tears— Bodies of English Kings Undecayed for many Centuries— Three Roman Soldiers Preserved "Plump and Fresh" for Fifteen Hundred Years— Bodies Converted into Fat— About Mummies- Wonderful Discovery in an Etruscan Tomb— The Reign of Terror— What Became of the Bodies of the French Kings— Jewish Tombs in the Valley of Hinnom—A Whimsical Will— The Tripod of Life— How Many Kinds of Death there Are— Curious Irish Epitaph — Significance of the Fleur de lis — Death of the First Born — Jean Ingeloufs " Story of Long Ago " — " This is not Your Rest" — Causes of III Success in Life — FuluHly— Longfellow on " The Heart"— An Evening Prayer— Beautiful Thought— Life's Parting- Destiny— Sympathy— •" After ;" Death's Final Conquest — " There is no Death "—Eutlianasia , , , 826 alphabetical fflJSJjtms. LIPOGRAMMATA AND PANGRAMMATA. ■ t N No. 59 of the Spectator, Addison, descanting on the different species of false wit, observes, " The first I shall pro- duce are the Lipogrammatists, or letter droppers of antiquity, that would take an exception, without any reason, against some ■ particular letter in the alphabet, so as not to admit it once in a whole poem. One Try- phiodorus was a great master in this kind of 'writing. He composed an Odyssey, or Epic Poem, on the adventures of Ulysses, con- 1 sisting of four-and-twenty-books, having en- tirely banished the letter A from his first book, which was called Alpha, (as lucus a non lucendo,) because there was not an alpha in it. His second book was inscribed Beta, for the same reason. In short, the poet excluded the whole four-and-twenty letters in their turns, and showed them that he could do his business without them. It must have been very pleasant to have seen this Poet avoiding the reprobate letter as much as another would a false quantity, and making his escape from it, through the different Greek dialects, when he was presented with it in any particular syllable ; for the most apt and elegant word in 3 26 26 ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. the whole language was rejected, like a diamond with a flaw in it, if it appeared blemished with the wrong letter." In No. 63, Addison has again introduced Tryphiodorus, in his Vision of the Region of False Wit, where he sees the phan- tom of this poet pursued through the intricacies of a dance by four-and-twenty persons, (representatives of the alphabet,) who are unable to overtake him. Addison should, however, have mentioned that Tryphiodorus is kept in countenance by no less an authority than Pindar, who, according to Athenaeus, wrote an ode from which the letter sigma was carefully excluded. This caprice of Tryphiodorus has not been without its imi- tators. Peter de Riga, a canon of Rheiuis, wrote a summary of the Bible in twenty-three sections, and throughout each sec- tion omitted, successively, some particular letter. Gordianus Fulgentius, who wrote " De JEtatibus Mundi et Hominis," has styled his book a wonderful work, chiefly, it may be presumed, from a similar reason ; as from the chapter on Adam he has excluded the letter A ; from that on Abel, the B ; from that on Cain, the C ; and so on through twenty- three chapters. Gregorio Letti presented a discourse to the Academy of Hu- morists at Rome, throughout which he had purposely omitted the letter R, and he entitled it the exiled E. A friend having requested a copy as a literary curiosity, (for so he considered this idle performance,) Letti, to show it was not so difficult a matter, replied by a copious answer of seven pages, in which he observed the same severe ostracism against the letter R. Du Chat, in the "Ducatiana," says "there are five novels in prose, of Lope de Vega, similarly avoiding the vowels; the first without A, the second without E, the third without I, the fourth without 0, and the fifth without U." The Orientalists are not without this literary folly. A Per- sian poet read to the celebrated Jami a ghazel of his own com- position, which Jami did not like; but the writer replied it was, notwithstanding, a very curious sonnet, for the letter Aliff wvi ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. 27 not to be found in any of the words ! Jami sarcastically an- Bwered, " You can do a better thing yet ; take away all the letters from every word you have written." This alphabetical whim has assumed other shapes, sometimes taking the form of a fondness for a particular letter. In the Ecloga de Calvis of Hugbald the Monk, all the words begin with a C. In the Nugse Venales there is a Poem by Petrus Placentius, entitled Pugna Porcorum, in which every word be- gins with a P. In another performance in the same work, en- titled Canum cum cattis certamen, in which "apt alliteration's artful aid" is similarly summoned, every word begins with a C. Lord North, one of the finest gentlemen in the Court of James I., has written a set of sonnets, each of which begins with a successive letter of the alphabet. The Earl of Rivers, in the reign of Edward IV., translated the Moral Proverbs of Christiana of Pisa, a poem of about two hundred lines, almost all the words of which he contrived to conclude with the letter E. The Pangrammatists contrive to crowd all the letters of the alphabet into every single verse. The prophet Ezra may be regarded as the father of them, as may be seen by reference to ch. vii., v. 21, of his Book of Prophecies. Ausonius, a Ro- man poet of the fourth century, whose verses are characterized by great mechanical ingenuity, is fullest of these fancies. The following sentence of only 48 letters, contains every letter of the alphabet: — John P. Brady, give me a black wal- nut box of quite a small size. The stanza subjoined is a specimen of both lipogrammatio and pangrammatic ingenuity, containing every letter of the alphabet except e. Those who remember that e is the most indispensable letter, being much more frequently used than any other,* will perceive the difficulty of such composition. * The relative proportions of the letters, in the formation of words, have been pretty accurately determined, as follows : — A 85 E 120 I 80 M 30 Q 5 U 34 ¥20 B 16 F 25 J 4 N 80 R 62 V 12 Z 2 C 30 Or 17 K 8 O 80 S 80 W 20 D 44 H 64 L 40 P 17 T 90 X 4 28 ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. A jovial swain may rack his brain, And tax his fancy's might, To quiz in vain, for 'tis most plain, That what I say is right. The Fate of Nassau affords another example, each stanza containing the entire alphabet except e, and composed, as the writer says, with ease without e's. Bold Nassan quits his caravan, A hazy mountain-grot to scan ; Climbs jaggy rocks to spy his way, Doth tax his sight, but far doth stray. Not work of man, nor sport of child, Finds Nassau in that mazy wild ; Lax grow his joints, limbs toil in vain — Poor wight ! why didst thou quit that plain ? Vainly for succor Nassan calls. Know, Zillah, that thy Nassan falls: But prowling wolf and fox may joy To quarry on thy Arab boy. Lord Holland, after reading the five Spanish novels already alluded to, in 1824, composed the following curious example, in which all the vowels except E are omitted : — eve's legend. Men were never perfect ; yet the three brethren Veres were ever esteemed, respected, revered, even when the rest, whether the select few, whether the mere herd, were left neglected. The eldest's vessels seek the deep, stem the element, get pence ; the keen Peter, when free, wedded Hester Green, — the slender, stern, severe, erect Hester Green. The next, clever Ned, less dependent, wedded sweet Ellen Heber. Stephen, ere he met the gentle Eve, never felt tenderness : he kept kennels, bred steeds, rested where the deer fed, went where green trees, whore fresh breezes, greeted sleep. There he met the meek, the gentle Eve : she tended her sheep, she ever neglected self: she never heeded pelf, yet Bhe heeded the shepherds even less. Nevertheless, her cheek reddened when she met Stephen ; yet decent reserve, meek respect, tempered her speech, even when she shewed tenderness. Stephen felt the sweet effect : he felt he erred when he fled the sex, yet felt he defenceless when Eve seemed tender. She, he reflects, never deserved neglect; she never vented spleen ; he esteems her gentleness, her endless deserts ; he reverences her steps; he greets her : — ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. 29 "Tell me whence these meek, these gentle sheep, — whence the yet meeker, the gentler shepherdess ?" "Well bred, we were eke better fed, ere we went where reckless men Beek fleeces. There we were fleeced. Need then rendered me shepherdess, need renders me sempstress. See me tend the sheep; see me sew the wretched shreds. Eve's need preserves the steers, preserves the sheep; Eve's needle mends her dresses, hems her sheets; Eve feeds the geese; Eve preserves the cheese." Her speech melted Stephen, yet he nevertheless esteems, reveres her. He bent the knee where her feet pressed the green; he blessed, he begged, he pressed her. " Sweet, sweet Eve, let me wed thee ; be led where Hester Green, where Ellen Heber, where the brethren Vere dwell. Free cheer greets thee there; Ellen's glees sweeten the refreshment; there severer Hester's decent reserve checks heedless jests. Be led there, sweet Eve !" " Never ! we well remember the Seer. We went where he dwells — we entered the cell — we begged the decree, — ' Where, whenever, when, 'twere well Eve be wedded ? Eld Seer, tell.' " He rendered the decree ; see here the sentence decreed !" Then she presented Stephen the Seer's decree. The verses were these : — "Ere the green reed be red, Sweet Eve, be never iced ; Ere be green the red cheek, Never wed thee, Eve meek." The terms perplexed Stephen, yet he jeered the terms ; he resented the senseless credence, " Seers never err." Then he repented, knelt, wheedled, wept. Eve sees Stephen kneel ; she relents, yet frets when she remembers the Seer's decree. Her dress redeems her. These were the events : — Her well-kempt tresses fell; sedges, reeds, bedecked them. The reeds fell, the edges met her cheeks ; her cheeks bled. She presses the green sedge where her cheek bleeds. Red then bedewed the green reed, the green reed then speckled her red cheek. The red cheek seems green, the green reed seems red. These were e'en the terms the Eld Seer decreed Stephen Vere. Here endeth toe Legend. ALPHABETICAL ADVERTISEMENT. TO WIDOWERS AND SINGLE GENTLEMEN.— WANTED by a lady, a SITUATION to superintend the household and preside at table. She is Agreeable, Becoming, Careful, Desirable, English, Facetious, Generous, Honest, In- 3* 30 ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. dustrious, Judicious, Keen, Lively, Merry, Natty, Obedient, Philosophic, Quiet, Regular, Sociable, Tasteful, Useful, Viva- cious, Womanish, Xantippish, Youthful, Zealous, &c. Address X. Y. Z., Simruond's Library, Edgeware-road. — London Times, 1842. JACOBITE TOAST. The following remarkable toast is ascribed to Lord Duff, and was presented on some public occasion in the year 1745. A. B. C. . . . A Blessed Change. D. E. F. . . . Down Every Foreigner. G. H. J. . . . God Help James. K. L. M. . . . Keep Lord Marr. N. 0. P. . . . Noble Orrnond Preserve. Q. R. S. . . . Quickly Resolve Stewart. T. U. V. W. . . Truss Up Vile Whigs. X. Y. Z. . . . 'Xert Your Zeal. THE THREE INITIALS. The following couplet, in which initials are so aptly used, was written on the alleged intended marriage of the Duke of Wellington, at a very advanced age, with Miss Angelina Bur- dett Coutts, the rich heiress : — The Duko must in his second childhood be, Sinco in his doting age he turns to A. B. C. ENIGMAS. The letter E is thus enigmatically described :— The beginning of eternity, The end of time and space, The beginning of every end, The end of every place. The letter M is concealed in the following Latin enigma by tin unknown author of very ancient date : Ego sum principium mundi et finis seculorum: Ego sum trinus et unus, et tamen non sum Deua. ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. 31 THE LETTER H. The celebrated enigma on the letter H, commonly attributed to Lord Byron,* is well known. The following amusing petition is addressed by this letter to the inhabitants of Kidderminster, England — Protesting : Whereas by you I have been driven From 'ouse, from 'ome, from 'ope, from 'eaven, And placed by your most learned society In Hoxile, Hanguish, and Hanxiety ; Nay, charged without one just pretence, With Harrogance and Himpudence — I here demand full restitution, And beg you'll mend your Helocution. Rowland Hill, when at college, was remarkable for the fre- quent wittiness of his observations. In a conversation on the powers of the letter H, in which it was contended that it was no letter, but a simple aspiration or breathing, Rowland took the opposite side of the question, and insisted on its being, to all intents and purposes, a letter; and concluded by observing that, if it were not, it was a very serious aifair to him, as it would occasion his being ill all the days of his life. When Kohl, the traveller, visited the Church of St. Alex- ander Nevskoi, at St. Petersburg, his guide, pointing to a cor- ner of the building, said, " There lies a Cannibal." Attracted to the tomb by this strange announcement, Kohl found from the inscription that it was the Russian general Hannibal ; but as the Russians have no H,"}" they change the letter into Kj and hence the strange misnomer given to the deceased warrior. * Now known to have been written by Miss Catherine Fanshawe. f The Sandwich Island alphabet has twelve letters ; the Burmese, nineteen ; the Italian, twenty ; the Bengalese, twenty-one ; the Hebrew, Syriac, Chaldee, and Samaritan, twenty-two each ; the French, twenty-three ; the Greek, twenty-four; the Latin, twenty-five; the German, Dutch, and English, twenty- six each; the Spanish and Sclavonic, twenty-seven each; the Arabic, twenty -eight ; the Persian and Coptic, thirty-two; the Georgian, thirty-five; the Armenian, thirty-eight; the Russian, forty-one ; the Muscovite, forty- three; the Sanscrit and Japanese, fifty; the Ethiopic and Tartarian, two hun- dred and two each. 32 ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. A city knight, who was unable to aspirate the H, on being deputed to give King William III. an address of welcome, ut- tered the following equivocal compliment : — "Future ages, recording your Majesty's exploits, will pro- nounce you to have been a Nero !" Mrs. Crawford says she wrote one line in her song, Kathleen Mavourn-een, for the express purpose of confounding the cock- ney warblers, who sing it thus : — The 'orn of the 'unter is 'eard on the 'ill. Moore has laid the same trap in the Woodpecker : — A 'eart that is 'umble might 'ope for it 'ere. And the elephant confounds them the other way : — A helephant heasily heats at his hease, Hunder humbrageous humbrella trees. ON THE MARRIAGE OF A LADY TO A GENTLEMAN NAMED GEE Sure, madam, by your choice a taste we see : What's good or great or grand without a G ? A godly glow must sure on G depend, Or oddly low our righteous thoughts must end : The want of G all gratitude effaces ; And without G, the Graces would run races. ON SENDING A TAIR OP GLOVES. Prom this small token take the letter G, And then 'tis love, and that I send to thee. TJNIVOCALIC VERSES. A. — THE KUSSO-TUEKISH WAR. Wars harm all ranks, all arts, all crafts appall : At Mars' harsh blast, arch, rampart, altar, fall ! Ah ! hard as adamant, a braggart Czar Arms vassal swarms, and fans a fatal war! Rampant at that bad call, a Vandal band Harass, and harm, and ransack Wallach-land. A Tartar phalanx Balkan's scarp hath past, And Allah's standard falls, alas! at last. ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. 33 E. — THE FALL OF EVE. Eve, Eden's Empress, needs defended be ; The Serpent greets her when she seeks the tree. Serene, she sees the speckled tempter creep ; Gentle be seems, — perversest scbemer deep, — Yet endless pretexts ever fresh prefers, Perverts her senses, revels when she errs, Sneers when she weeps, regrets, repents she fell; Then, deep revenged, reseeks the nether hell 1 I. — THE APPROACH OF EVENING. Idling, I sit in this mild twilight dim, Whilst birds, in wild, swift vigils, circling skim. Light winds in sighing sink, till, rising bright, Night's Virgin Pilgrim swims in vivid light ! O. — INCONTROVERTIBLE FACTS. No monk too good to rob, or cog, or plot. No fool so gross to bolt Scotch collops hot. From Donjon tops no Oronoko rolls. Logwood, not Lotos, floods Oporto's bowls. Troops of old tosspots oft, to sot, consort. Box tops, not bottoms, school-boys flog for sport. No cool monsoons blow soft on Oxford dons, Orthodox, jog-trot, book-worm Solomons ! Bold Ostrogoths, of ghosts no horror show. On London shop-fronts no hop-blossoms grow. To crocks of gold no dodo looks for food. On soft cloth footstools no old fox doth brood. Long storm-tost sloops forlorn, work on to port. Rooks do not roost on spoons, nor woodcocks snort, Nor dog on snow-drop or on coltsfoot rolls, Nor common frogs concoct long protocols. U. — THE SAME SUBJECT, CONTINUED. Dull humdrum murmurs lull, but hubbub stuns. Lucullus snuffs no musk, mundungus shuns. Puss purrs, buds burst, bucks butt, luck turns up trumps ; But full cups, hurtful, spur up unjust thumps. A young English lady, on observing a gentleman's lane newly planted with lilacs, made this neat impromptu : — Let lovely lilacs line Lee's lonely lane. 34 ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. ALPHABETICAL ALLITERATION. THE SIEGE OF BELGRADE. An Austrian army, awfully arrayed, Boldly, by battery, besieged Belgrade ; Cossack commanders cannonading come — Dealing destruction's devastating doom j Every endeavor, engineers essay, For fame, for fortune — fighting furious fray : — Generals 'gainst generals grapple — gracious God ! How honors Heaven, heroic hardihood ! Infuriate, — indiscriminate in ill, Kindred kill kinsnen, — kinsmen kindred kill ! Labor low levels loftiest longest lines — Men march 'mid mounds, 'mid moles, 'mid murderous mines: Now noisy, noxious, noticed nought Of outward obstacles opposing ought : Poor patriots, partly purchased, partly pressed : Quite quaking, quickly quarter, quarter quest, Reason returns, religious right redounds, Suwarrow stops such sanguinary sounds. Truce to thee, Turkey — triumph to thy train ! Unjust, unwise, unmerciful Ukraine ! Vanish vain victory, vanish victory vain ! Why wish ye warfare ? Wherefore welcome were Xerxes, Ximenes, Xanthus, Xaviere ? Yield ! ye youths ! ye yeomen, yield your yell ! Zeno's, Zapater's, Zoroaster's zeal, And all attracting — arms against acts appeal. THE BUNKER HILL MONUMENT CELEBRATION. Americans arrayed and armed attend; Beside battalions bold, bright beauties blend. Chiefs, clergy, citizens conglomerate, — Detesting despots, — daring deeds debate ; Each eye emblazoned ensigns entertain, — Flourishing from far, — fan freedom's flame. Guards greeting guards grown grey, — guest greeting guest. High-minded heroes, hither, homeward, haste. Ingenuous juniors join in jubilee, Kith kenning kin, — kind knowing kindred key. Lo, lengthened lines lend Liberty liege love, Mixed masses, marshaled, Monumeiitieard move. ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. 35 Note noble navies near, — no novel notion, — Oft our oppressors overawed old Ocean ; Presumptuous princes, pristine patriots paled, Queens' quarrel questing quotas, quondam quailed. Rebellion roused, revolting ramparts rose. Stout spirits, smiting servile soldiers, strove. These thrilling themes, to thousands truly told, Usurpers' unjust usages unfold. Victorious vassals, vauntings vainly veiled, Where, whilesince, Webster, warlike Warren wailed. 'Xcuse 'xpletives 'xtra-queer 'xpressed, Yielding Yankee yeomen zest. PRINCE CHARLES PROTECTED BY FLORA MACDONALD. All ardent acts affright an Age abased By brutal broils, by braggart bravery braced. Craft's cankered courage changed Culloden's cry ; " Deal deep" deposed " deal death" — " decoy," " defy :" Enough. Ere envy enters England's eyes, Fancy's false future fades, for Fortune flies. Gaunt, gloomy, guaried, grappling giant griefs, Here, hunted hard, his harassed heart he heaves ; In impious ire incessant ills invests, Judging Jove's jealous judgments, jaundiced jests ! Knoel, kirtled knight! keep keener kingcraft known, Let larger lore life's levelling lessons loan : Marauders must meet malefactors' meeds ; No nation noisy non-conformists needs. oracles of old ! our orb ordain Peace's possession — Plenty's palmy plain ! Quiet Quixotic quests ; quell quarrelling ; Rebuke red riot's resonant rifle ring. Slumber seems strangely sweet since silence smote The threatening thunders throbbing through their throat Usurper ! under uniform unwont Vail valor's vaguest venture, vainest vaunt. Well wot we which were wise. War's wildfire won Ximenes, Xerxes, Xavier, Xenophon : Yet you, ye yearning youth, your young years yield Zuinglius' zealot zest — Zinzendorf zion-zealed. CACOPHONOUS COUPLET ON CARDINAL WOLSEV. Begot by butchers, but by bishops bred, How high his honor holds his haughty head ! 36 ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. ADDRESS TO THE AURORA, WRITTEN IN MID-OCEAN. Awake Aurora! and across all airs By brilliant blazon banish boreal bears. Crossing cold Canope's celestial crown, Deep darts descending dive delusive down. Entranced each eve Europa's every eye Firm fixed forever fastens faithfully, Greets golden guerdon gloriously grand ; How Holy Heaven holds high his hollow hand ! Ignoble ignorance, inapt indeed — Jeers jestingly just Jupiter's jereed : Knavish Kamschatkans, knightly Kurdsmen know, Long Labrador's light lustre looming low; Midst myriad multitudes majestic might No nature nobler numbers Neptune's night. Opal of Oxus or old Ophir's ores Pale pyrrhic pyres prismatic purple pours, — Quiescent quivering, quickly, quaintly queer, Rich, rosy, regal rays resplendent rear ; Strange shooting streamers streaking starry skies Trail their triumphant tresses — trembling ties. Unseen, unhonored Ursa, — underneath Veiled, vanquished — vainly vying — vanisheth : Wild Woden, warning, watchful — whispers wan Xanthitic Xeres, Xerxes, Xenophon, Yet yielding yesternight yule's yell yawns Zenith's zebraic zigzag, zodiac zones. Pulci, in his Morgante Maggiore, xxiii. 47, gives the following remarkable double alliterations, two of them in every line :— La easel cosa parea bretta e brutta, Vinta dal vento, e la natta e la notte, Stilla le stelle, ch'a tetto era tutta, Del pane appena ne detle ta' dotte ; Pereavea pure e qualehe fratta frutta, E 8vina e svena di botto una botte ; Poscia per pesci lascke prese alfesca, Ma il letto zXlotta alia frasca fufresca. In the imitation of Laura Matilda, in the Rejected Addresses occurs this stanza : — Pan beheld Patroclus dying, Nox to Niobe was turned ; From Busiris Bacchus flying, Saw his Semele inurned. ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. 37 TITLE-PAGE FOR A BOOK OP EXTRACTS FROM MANY AUTHORS. Astonishing Anthology from Attractive Authors. Broken Bits from Bulky Brain" Choice Chunks from Chaucer to CL„*ining. Dainty Devices from Diverse Directions. Echoes of Eloquence from Eminent Essayists. Fragrant Flowers from Fields of Fancy. Gems of Genius Gloriously Garnished. Handy Helps from Head and Heart. Illustrious Intellects Intelligently Interpreted. Jewels of Judgment and Jets of Jocularity. Kindlings to Keep from the King to the Kitchen. Loosened Leaves from Literary Laurels. Magnificent Morsels from Mighty Minds. Numerous Nuggets from Notable Noodles. Oracular Opinions Officiously Offered. Prodigious Points from Powerful Pens. Quirks and Quibbles from Queer Quarters. Rare Remarks Ridiculously Repeated. Suggestive Squibs from Sundry Sources. Tremendous Thoughts on Thundering Topics. Utterances from Uppermost for Use and Unction. Valuable Views in Various Voices. Wisps of Wit in a Wilderness of Words. Xcellent Xtracts Xactly Xpressed. Yawnings and Yearnings for Youthful Yankees. Zeal and Zest from Zoroaster to Zimmerman. COMPLIMENTARY CONSIDERATIONS CONCERNING CHESS. Cherished chess ! The charms of thy checkered chambers chain me changelessly. Chaplains have chanted thy charming ehoieeness; chief- tains have changed the chariot and the chase for the chaster chivalry of the chess-board, and the cheerier charge of the chess-knights. Chaste-eyed Caissa ! For thee are the ehaplets of chainless charity and the chalice of childlike cheerfulness. No chilling churl, no cheating chafferer, no chatter- ing changeling, no chanting charlatan can be thy champion ; the chival- rous, the charitable, and the cheerful are the chosen ones thou cherishest. Chance cannot change thee: from the cradle of childhood to the charnel- house, from our first childish chirpings to the chills of the church-yard, thou art our cheery, changeless chieftainess. Chastener of the churlish, chider of the changeable, cherisher of the chagrined, the chapter of thy chiliad of charms should be chanted in cherubic chimes by choicest choris ters, and ghiselled on chalcedon in cherubic chirography. 4 38 ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. Hood, in describing the sensations of a dramatist awaiting his debut, thus uses the letter F in his Ode to Perry : — All Fume and Fret, Fuss, Fidget, Fancy, Fever, Funking, Fright, Ferment, Fault-fearing, Faintness — more F's yet : Flushed, Frigid, Flurried, Flinching, Fitful, Flat, Add Famished, Fuddled, and Fatigued to that; Funeral, Fate-Foreboding. The repetition of the same letter in the following is very in- genious : — FELICITOUS FLIGHT OF FANCY. "A famous fish-factor found himself father of five flirting females — Fanny, Florence, Fernanda, Francesca, and Fenella. The first four were flat-featured, ill-favored, forbidding-faced, freckled frumps, fretful, flippant, foolish, and flaunting. Fenella was a fine-featured, fresh, fleet-footed fairy, frank, free, and full of fun. The fisher failed, and was forced by fickle fortune to forego his footman, forfeit his forefathers' fine fields, and find a forlorn farm-house in a forsaken forest. The four fretful females, fond of figuring at feasts in feathers and fashionable finery, fumed at their fugitive father. Forsaken by fulsome, flattering fortune-hunters, who followed them when first they flourished, Fenella fondled her father, flavored their food, forgot her flattering followers, and frolicked in a frieze without flounces. The father, finding himself forced to forage in foreign parts for a fortune, found ho could afford a faring to his five fondlings. The first four were fain to foster their frivolity with fine frills and fans, fit to finish their father's finances; Fenella, fearful of flooring him, formed a fancy for a full fresh flower. Fate favored the fish-factor for a few days, when he fell in with a fog ; his faithful Filley's footsteps faltered, and food failed. He found him- self in front of a fortified fortress. Finding it forsaken, and feeling himself feeble, and forlorn with fasting, he fed on the fish, flesh, and fowl he found, fricasseed, and when full fell flat on the floor. Fresh in the forenoon, he forthwith flew to the fruitful fields, and not forgetting Fenella, he filched a fair flower; when a foul, frightful, fiendish figure flashed forth: 'Felonious fellow, fingering my flowers, I'll finish you! Fly; say farewell to your fine felicitous family, and face me in a fortnight!' The faint-hearted fisher fumed and faltered, and fast and far was his flight. His five daughters flew to fall at his feet and fervently felicitate him. Frantically and fluently he unfolded his fate. Fenella, forthwith fortified by filial fondness, followed her father's footsteps, and flung- her faultless form at the foot of the fright- ful figure, who forgave the father, and fell flat on his face, for ho had fervently fallen in a fiery fit of love for the fair Fenella. He feasted her till, fascinated by his faithfulness, she forgot the ferocity of his face, form, ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. 39 and features, and frankly and fondly fixed Friday, fifth of February, for the affair to come off. There was festivity, fragrance, finery, fireworks, fricasseed frogs, fritters, fish, flesh, fowl, and frumentry, frontignac, flip, and fare fit for the fastidious; fruit, fuss, flambeaux, four fat fiddlers and fifurs; and the frightful form of the fortunate and frumpish fiend fell from him, and he fell at Fenella's feet a fair-favored, fine, frank, freeman of the forest. Behold the fruits of filial affection. A BEVY OP BELLES. The following lines are said to have been admirably de- scriptive of the five daughters of an English gentleman, formerly of Liverpool : — Minerva-like majestic Mary moves. Law, Latin, Liberty, learned Lucy loves. Eliza's elegance each eye espies. Serenely silent Susan's smiles surprise. From fops, fools, flattery, fairest Fanny flies. MOTIVES TO GRATITUDE. A remarkable example of the old fondness for antithesis and alliteration in composition, is presented in the following extract from one of Watts' sermons : — The last great help to thankfulness is to compare various circumstances and things together. Compare, then, your sorrows with you sins; com- pare your mercies with your merits; compare your comforts with your calamities ; compare your own troubles with the troubles of others; com pare your sufferings with the sufferings of Christ Jesus, your Lord; com- pare the pain of your afflictions with the profit of them ; compare your chastisements on earth with condemnation in hell ; compare the present hardships you bear with the happiness you expect hereafter, and try whether all these will not awaken thankfulness. ACROSTICS. The acrostic, though an old and favorite form of verse, in our own language has been almost wholly an exercise of inge- nuity, and has been considered fit only for trivial subjects, to be classed among nugse literarise. The word in its derivation includes various artificial arrangements of lines, and many fan- tastic conceits have been indulged in. Generally the acrostic has been formed of the first letters of each line ; sometimes of the last ; sometimes of both ; sometimes it is to be read down- 40 ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. ward, sometimes upward. An ingenious variety called the Telestich, is that in which the letters beginning the lines spell a word, while the letters ending the lines, when taken together, form a word of an opposite meaning, as in this instance : — U nite and untie are the same — so say yo U. N ot in wedlock, I ween, has this unity bee N. I n thedrama of marriage each wanderingr/o« T T o a new face would fly — all except you and I — ■ E ach seeking to alter the spell in their seen E. In these lines, on the death of Lord Hatherton, (1863), the initial and final letters are doubled : — H ard was his final fight with ghastly Deat h, H e bravely yielded his expiring breat h. A s in the Senate fighting freedom's pie a, A nd boundless in his wisdom as the se a. T he public welfare seeking to direc t, T he weak and undefended to protec t. H is steady course in noble life from birt h, H as shown his public and his private wort h. E vincing mind both lofty and sedat e, E ndowments great and fitted for the Stat e, E, eceiving high and low with open doo r, R ich in his bounty to the rude and poo r. T he crown reposed in him the highest trus t, T o show the world that he was wise and jus t. n his ancestral banners long ag o, urs willingly relied, and will do s o. Nor yet extinct is noble Hatherton, N ow still he lives in gracious Littleto n. Although the fanciful and trifling tricks of poetasters have been carried to excess, and acrostics have come in for their share of satire, the origin of such artificial poetry was of a higher dignity. When written documents, were yet rare, every artifice was employed to enforce on the attention or fix on the memory the verses sung by bards or teachers. Alphabetic associations formed obvious and convenient aids for this pur- pose. In the Hebrew Psalms of David, and in other parts of Scripture, striking specimens occur. The peculiarity is not retained in the translations, but is indicated in the common ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. 41 version of the 119th Psalin by the initial letters prefixed to its divisions. The Greek Anthology also presents examples of acrostics, and they were often used in the old Latin language. Cicero, in his treatise " De Divinatione," has this remarkable passage : — "The verses of the Sybils (said he) are distinguished by that arrangement which the Greeks call Acrostic ; where, from the first letters of each verse in order, words are formed which express some particular meaning; as is the case with some of Ennius's verses, the initial letters of which make 1 which Ennius wrote !' " Among the modern examples of acrostic writing, the most remarkable may be found in the works of Boccaccio. It is a poem of fifty cantos, of which Guinguene has preserved a speci- men in his Literary History of Italy. A successful attempt has recently been made to use this form of verse for conveying useful information and expressing agree- able reflections, in a volume containing a series of acrostics on eminent names, commencing with Homer, and descending chronologically to our own time. The alphabetic necessity of the choice of words and epithets has not hindered the writer from giving distinct and generally correct character to the bio- graphical subjects, as may be seen in the following selections, which are as remarkable for the truth and discrimination of the descriptions as for the ingenuity of the diction : oiE^RGK HERBERT. G ood Country Parson, cheerful, quaint, E ver in thy life a saint, 'er thy memory sweetly rise R are old Izaak's eulogies, G iving us, in life-drawn hue, E ach loved feature to our view. H oly Herbert, humble, mild, E 'en as simple as a child, R eady thy bounty to dispense, B earning with benevolence, E ver blessing, ever blest, R escuing the most distrest ; T hy "Temple" now is Heaven's bright rest. 4* 42 ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. DRYDEN. J) eep rolls on deep in thy majestic line. R ich music and the stateliest march combine ; Y et, who that hears its high harmonious strain D eeins not thy genius thou didst half profane? E xhausting thy great power of song on themes N ot worthy of its strong, effulgent beams. REYNOLDS. R are Painter ! whose unequall'd skill could trace E ach light and shadow of the changeful face; Y oung " Samuel's," now, beaming with piety, N ow the proud " Banished Lord's" dark misery, Or" Ugolino's" ghastly visage, wild, L ooking stern horror on each starving child; D elights not less of social sort were thine, S uch as with Burke, or e'en with Johnson shine. BURKE. B rilliant thy genius 'mongst a brilliant throng; TJ nique thy eloquence of pen and tongue ; R ome's Tully loftier flights could scarce command, K indling thy soul to thoughts that matchless stand E ver sublime and beautiful and grand. HUBER. H ow keen thy vision, e'en though reft of sight ! U sing with double power the mind's clear light: B ee,s, and their hives, thy curious ken has scanned. E ach cell, with geometric wisdom planned, R ich stores of honeyed knowledge thus at thy command. CRABBfi. C opyist of Nature — simply, sternly true, — R eal the scenes that in thy page we view. "A mid the huts where poor men lie" unknown, B right humor or deep pathos thou hast thrown. B ard of the " Borough" and the " Village," see — E 'en haughty Byron owns he's charm'd by thee. WALTER SCOTT. W ondrous Wizard of the North, A rmed with spells of potent worth ! L ike to that greatest Bard of ours T he mighty magic of thy powers : E 'en thy bright fancy's offspring find R esemblance to his myriad mind. ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. 43 8 uch the creations that we see — C haracter, manners, life in thee— f Scotia's deeds, a proud display, T he glories of a bygone day; T hy genius foremost stands in all her long array. •WORDSWORTH. W andering, through many a year, 'mongst Cumbria's hills, 'er her wild fells, sweet vales, and sunny lakes, R ich stores of thought thy musing mind distils, D ay-dreams of poesy thy soul awakes : — S uch was thy life— a poet's life, I ween ; W orshipper thou of Nature ! every 6cene f beauty stirred thy fancy's deeper mood, II eflection calmed the current of thy blood : T bus in the wide " Excursion" of thy mind, H igh thoughts in words of worth we still may find. IRVING. 1 n easy, natural, graceful charm of style, R esembling Goldy's "Vicar," — free from guile: V ein of rich humor through thy " Sketch-Book" flows. I magination her bright colors shows. N o equal hast thou 'mongst thy brother band, Q enial thy soul, worthy our own loved land. MACREADV. M aster Tragedian ! worthy all our praise. A ction and utterance such as bygone days C ould oftener boast., were thine. Need we but name R oman Virginius ? while our Shakspeare's fame E ver 'twas thy chief joy and pride to uprear, A nd give us back Macbeth, Othello, Lear. D elight to thousands oft thou gav'st, and now Y ears of calm lettered ease 'tis thine to know. LONGFELLOW. L ays like thine have many a charm ; ft thy themes the heart must warm. N ow o'er Slavery's guilt and woes, G rief and shame's deep hues it throws; F ar up Alpine heights is heard " E xcelsior," now the stirring word ; " L ife's Psalm," now, onward is inviting, L ongings for nobler deeds exciting ; 'er Britain now resounds thy name, W hile States unborn shall swell thy fame. 44 ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. SOUTHEY. S erenely bright thy life's pure stream did glide, n sweet romantic Derwentwater's side. U nder great Skiddaw — there, in Epic lays, T hou dream'dst a poet's dreams of olden days, H ow Madoc wandered o'er the Atlantic wave, E astern Kehama, Roderic the brave, Y ears cannot from our fondest memory lave. MACAULAT. M asterly critic! in whose brilliant style A nd rich historic coloring breathes again — C lothed in most picturesquo costume the while — A 11 the dim past, with all its bustling train. U nder this vivid, eloquent painting, see L ife given anew to our old history's pagej A nd in thy stirring ballad poetry, Y outh's dreams of ancient Rome once more our minds engage. OLIVER S IMPROMPTU. Oliver, a sailor and patriot, with a merited reputation for extempore rhyming, while on a visit to his cousin Benedict Arnold, after the war, was asked by the latter to amuse a party of English officers with some extemporaneous effusion, whereupon he stood up and repeated the following Ernulphus curse, which would have satisfied Dr. Slop* himself: — B orn for a curse to virtue and mankind, E arth's broadest realm ne'er knew so black a mind. N ight's sable veil your crimes can never hide, E ach one so great, 'twould glut historic tide. D efunct, your cursed memory will live I n all the glare that infamy can give. C urses of ages will attend your name, T raitors alone will glory in your shame. A lmighty vengeance sternly waits to roll R ivers of sulphur on your treacherous soul : N aturo looks shuddering back with conscious dread n such a tarnished blot as she has made. L et hell receive you, riveted in chains, D ooined to the hottest focus of its flames. * Tristram Shandy. ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. 45 ALLITERATIVE ACROSTIC. The following alliterative acrostic is a gem in its way. Miss Kitty Stephens was the celebrated London vocalist, and is now the Dowager Countess of Essex : — S he sings so soft, so sweet, so soothing still T hat to the tone ten thousand thoughts there thrill ; E lysian ecstasies enchant each ear — P leasuro's pure pinions poise — prince, peasant, peer, H ushing high hymns, Heaven hears her harmony, — E arth's envy ends; enthralled each ear, each eye; N umbers need ninefold nerve, or nearly name, S oul-stirring Stephens' skill, sure seraphs sing the same. CHRONOGRAMMATIC PASQUINADE. On the election of Pope Leo X., in 1440, the following sati- rical acrostic appeared, to mark the date M C C C C X L. Multi Coeci Cardinales Creaverunt Ccecum Decimum (X) Leonem. MONASTIC VERSE. The merit of this fine specimen will be found in its being at the same time acrostic, mesostic, and telestic. Inter cuncta micans Igniti sidera coell Expellit tenebras E toto Phoebus ut orbE ; Sic cascas removet JESUS caliginis umbraS, Vivificansque simul Vero praecordia motV, Solem justitiae Sese probat esse beatiS. The following translation preserves the acrostic and mesostic, though not the telestic form of the original: — In glory see the rising sun, Illustrious orb of day, 'Enlightening heaven's wide expanse, Expel night's gloom away. So light into the darkest soul, JESUS, Thou dost impart, Uplifting Thy life-giving smiles Upon the deadened heart: Sun Thou of Righteousness Divine, Sole King of Saints Thou art 46 ALPHABETICAL WHIMS. The figure of a fish carved on many of the monuments in the Roman Catacombs, is an emblematic acrostic, intended formerly to point out the burial-place of a Christian, without revealing the fact to the pagan persecutors. The Greek word for Jish is ^ d Movanytrrtf i{ anaoi, Titan a<70> /ieAk/xjiw, .'(K£, at p.oi>u> ru No/it, at Ktvu) Ka\u>. Aptra Trrjyaat at aa yr\ nartpa. XcottiP av too, i2app©3„'-* a oo S. & <» * m oJ © 2 ... 2 >-i P © „ a> ^ _* "i ia ° S-^ I § 5* £ * I' 3 § I o - •£ * B « § M 3 £ era © *^ o E? e, «. ^ era ^ S, 2, J? SHa-g p S 5" "- - B e* 5' © g g. ^ g. & "-• g p B ? ,o% p d? D ^ s ©^ ^ g- s^ ^ t»»Mio2«Pn'£"!3 ff era at© g. £ 3T Jr S"^ a "* g. - ^S S='g , B?B' !i, S3 ; ^ ° 'a - £*- P^ rt-2ff"H) (,l a £ tl .,nfflrt-tfn © « p a 5 2 o M ? ~c©^<-Pa J >^-o_^ c » a £ ~. 8 a * f _ &• ©a^c ©5„ hH a - a ,<*- p p CO p S m o 5 ^ ? 2. a p ^, a- K „. 2. 3. o ^ & p » a- a- ® e2 5f s= — n cd o m a a © 2 ►3 g. g. a-' 3 a S? Bi B a a g. p o _, , ??2. H3(e goB «sa|?PSa ffl S g S p o 2 3 a " ~e &3 ^^5- e S3g^s pV O p Qj CO Q O© •— i 2. w. si** S^o> c^'« »-j a &G gs?o g N-I^i^s ^i s -^ a i s f-a ; i _ a* & a 2 ,P B t» W. 3- a ■-*» £T, 5 - © ^©g oc»P3=rgg-|-2 3g2. a^-t.S^^gaa EQUIVOQUE. 65 A LOVE-LETTER. The reader, after perusing it, will please read it again, com- mencing on the first line, then the third and fifth, and so on, reading each alternate line to the end. To Miss M- — The great love I have hitherto expressed for you is false and I find my indifference towards you — increases daily. The more I see of you, the more you appear in my eyes an object of contempt. — I feel myself every way disposed and determined to hate you. Believe me, I never had an intention — to offer you my hand. Our last conversation has left a tedious insipidity, which has by no means — given me the most exalted idea of your character. Your temper would make me extremely unhappy —and were we united, I should experience nothing but the hatred of my parents added to the anything but — pleasure in living with you. I have indeed a heart to bestow, but I do not wish you to imagine it — at your service. I could not give it to any one more inconsistent and capricious than yourself, and less — capable to do honor to my choice and to my family. Yes, Miss, I hope you will be persuaded that — I speak sincerely, and you will do me a favor to avoid me. I shall excuse you taking the trouble — to answer this. Your letters are always full of impertinence, and you have not a shadow of — wit and good sense. Adieu ! adieu ! believe mo so averse to you, that it is impossible for me even — to be your most affectionate friend and humble servant. L . INGENIOUS SUBTERFUGE. A young lady newly married, being obliged to show to her husband all the letters she wrote, sent the following to an inti- mate friend. The key is, to read the first and then every alternate line only. — I cannot be satisfied, my dearest friend! blest as I am in the matrimonial state, — unless I pour into your friendly bosom, which has ever been in unison with mine, — the various sensations which swell E 6* G6 EQUIVOQUE. with the liveliest emotion of pleasure, — my almost bursting heart I tell you my dear husband is the most amiable of men, —I have now been married seven weeks, and never have found the least reason to — repent the day that joined us. My husband ia both in person and manners far from resembling — ugly, cross, old, disagreeable, and jealous monsters, who think by confining to secure — — a wife, it is his maxim to treat as a bosom friend and confidant, and not as a — plaything, or menial slave, the woman chosen to be his companion. Neither party — he says, should always obey implicitly; but each yield to the other by turns. — An ancient maiden aunt, near seventy, a cheerful, venerable, and pleasant old lady, — lives in the house with us; she is the de- light of both young and old; she is ci- — vil to all the neighborhood round, generous and charitable to the poor. — I am convinced my husband loves nothing more than he does me; he flatters me more —than a glass ; and his intoxication (for so I must call the excess of his love) — often makes me blush for the unworthiness of its object, and wish I could be more deserving — of the man whose name I bear. To say all in one word, my dear, and to — crown the whole — my former gallant lover is now my indulgent husband ; my husband — is returned, and I might have had a prince without the felicity I find in — him. Adieu ! may you be blest as I am un- able to wish that I could be more — happy. DOUBLE-FACED CREED. The following cross-reading from a history of Popery, pub- lished in 1679, and formerly called in New England The Jesuits Creed, will suit either Catholic or Protestant accord- ingly as the lines are read downward in single columns or across the double columns : — EQUIVOQUE. G7 Pro fide teneo sana Quae docet Anglicana, AfGrmat quae Romana Videntur inihi vana. Supremus quando rex est Turn plebs est fortunata, Erraticus turn Grex est Cum caput fiat papa. Altari cum ornatur Communio fit inanis, Populus turn beatur Cum mensa vina panis. Asini nomen meruit Hunc morom qui non capit, Missam qui deseruit Catholicus est et sapit. I hold for faith What England's church allows, What Rome's church saith, My conscience disavows. Where the king is head The flock can take no shame, The flock's misled, Who hold the pope supreme. Where the altar's drest The worship's scarce divine, The people's blest, Whose table's bread and wine. He's but an ass • Who their communion flies, Who shuns the mass, Is Catholic and wise. REVOLUTIONARY VERSES. The author of the following Revolutionary double entendre, which originally appeared in a Philadelphia newspaper, is un- known. It may be read in three different ways, — 1st. Let the whole be read in the order in which it is written ; 2d. Then the lines downward on the left of each comma in every line; and 3d. In the same manner on the right of each comma. By the first reading it will be observed that the Revolutionary cause is condemned, and by the others, it is encouraged and lauded : — Hark ! hark ! the trumpet sounds, the din of war's alarms, O'er seas and solid grounds, doth call us all to arms ; AVho for King George doth stand, their honors soon shall shine; Their ruin is at hand, who with the Congress join. The acts of Parliament, in them I much delight, I hate their cursed intent, who for the Congress fight, The Tories of the day, they are my daily toast, They soon will sneak away, who Independence boast; Who non-resistance hold, they have my hand and heart. May they for slaves be sold, who act a Whiggish part; On Mansfield, North, and Bute, may daily blessings pour, Confusion and dispute, on Congress evermore; To North and British lord, may honors still be done, I wish a block or cord, to General Washington. 68 EQUIVOQUE. THE HOUSES OP STUART AND HANOVER. I love with all my heart The Hanoverian part And for that settlement My conscience gives consent Most righteous is the cause To fight for George's laws It is my mind and heart Though none will take my part The Tory party here Most hateful do appear I ever have denied To be on James's side To fight for such a king Will England's ruin bring In this opinion I Resolve to live and die. Lansdowne MSS. 852 THE NEW REGIME. The following equivoque was addressed to a republican at the commencement of the French Revolution, in reply, to the question, u What do you think of the new constitution V A la nouvelle loi Je veux etre fidele Je renonce dans l'ame Au regime ancien, Comme fipreuve de ma foi Je crois la loi nouvelle Je crois celle qu'on blame Opposee a tout bien ; Dieu vous donne la paix Messieurs les democrats Noblesse desolee Au diable allez-vous en ; Qu'il confonde a, jamais Tous les Aristocrats Messieurs de l'Assemblge Ont eux seuls le bon sens. The newly made law From my soul I abhor My faith to prove good, I maintain the old code May God give you peace, Forsaken Noblesse, May He ever confound The Assembly all round 'Tis my wish to esteem The ancient regime I maintain the new code Is opposed to all good. Messieurs Democrats, To the devil go hence. All the Aristocrats Are the sole men of sense. FATAL DOUBLE MEANING. Count Valavoir, a general in the French service under Tu- renne, while encamped before the enemy, attempted one night to pass a sentinel. The sentinel challenged him, and the count answered " Va-la-voir" which literally signifies "Go and see." The soldier, who took the words in this sense, indig- nantly repeated the challenge, and was answered in the same manner, when he fired ; and the unfortunate Count fell dead upon the spot, — a victim to the whimsicality of his surname. EQUIVOQUE. G9 A TRIPLE PLATFORM. Among the memorials of the sectional conflict of 18G1-5, is an American platform arranged to suit all parties. The first column is the Secession; the second, the Abolition platform; and the whole, read together, is the Democratic platform :— Hurrah for Secession We fight for The Confederacy We love The rebellion We glory in Separation We fight not for Reconstruction We must succeed The Union We love not We never said We want Foreign intervention We cherish The stars and bars We venerate Southern chivalry Death to Abe Lincoln Down with Law and order The Old Union Is a curse The Constitution Is a league with hell Free speech Is treason A Free Press Will not be tolerated The negro's freedom Must be obtained At every hazard We love The negro Let the Union slide The Union as it was Is played out The old flag Is a flaunting lie The hecibua corpus Is hateful Jeff Davis Isn't the Government Mob law Shall triumph. LOYALTY, OR JACOBINISM? This piece of amphibology was circulated among the United Irishmen, previous to the Rebellion of 1798. First, read the lines as they stand, then according to the numerals prefixed : — 1. I love my country — but the king, 3. Above all men his praise I sing, 2. Destruction to his odious reign, 4. That plague of princes, Thomas Paine,' 5. The royal banners are displayed, 7. And may success the standard aid 6. Defeat and ruin seize the cause 8. Of France her liberty and laws. 70 EQUIVOQUE. NON COMMITTAL. NEAT EVASION. Bishop Egerton, of Durham, avoided three impertinent questions by replying as follows : — 1. What inheritance he received from his father? "Not so much as he expected." 2. What was his lady's fortune ? " Less than was reported." 3. What was the value of his living of Ross? " More than he made of it." A PATRIOTIC TOAST. Most readers will remember the story of a non-committal editor who, during the Presidential canvass of 1872, desiring to propitiate subscribers of both parties, hoisted the ticket of " Gr and n" at the top of his column, thus giving those who took the paper their choice of interpretations be- tween "Grant and Wilson" and "Greeley and Brown." A story turning on the same style of point — and probably quite as apocryphal — though the author labels it "historique" — is told of an army officers' mess in France. A brother-soldier from a neighboring detachment having come in, and a cham- penoise having been uncorked in his honor, "Gentlemen," said the guest, raising his glass, "I am about to propose a toast at once patriotic and political." A chorus of hasty ejaculations and of murmurs at once greeted him. " Yes, gentlemen," coolly proceeded the orator, " I drink to a thing which — an object that — Bah ! I will out with it at once. It begins with an R and ends with an e." " Capital !" whispers a young lieutenant of Bordeaux pro- motion. "He proposes the Repuhlique, without offending the old fogies by saying the word." " Nonsense ! He means the Radicale" replies the other, an old Captain Cassel. " Upon my word," says a third, as he lifts his glass, " our friend must mean la Royaute." EQUIVOQUE. 71 "I see!" cries a one-legged veteran of Froschweilcr : "we drink to la Revanche." In fact the whole party drank the toast heartily, each in- terpreting it to his liking. In the hands ol a Swift, even so trivial an instance might be made to point a moral on the facility with which, alike in theology and politics — from Athanasran creed to Cincinnati or Philadelphia platform — men comfortably interpret to their own diverse likings some doctrine that "begins with an R and ends with an e" and swallow it with great unanimity and enthusiasm. THE HANDWRITING ON THE WALL. During the war of the Rebellion, a merchant of Milwaukee, who is an excellent hand at sketching, drew most admirably on the wall of his store a negro's head, and underneath it wrote, in a manner worthy of the Delphic oracle, "Dis-Union for eber." Whether the sentence meant loyalty to the Union or not, was the puzzling question which the gentleman him- self never answered, invariably stating to the inquirers, " Read it for yourselves, gentlemen." So from that day to this, as the saying goes, "no one knows how dat darkey stood on de war question." Another question is puzzling the young ladies who attend a Western Female College. It seems that one of them dis- covered that some person had written on the outer wall of the college, " Young women should set good examples ; for young men will follow them." The question that is now perplexing the heads of several of the young ladies of the college is, whether the writer meant what he or she (the handwriting was rather masculine) wrote, in a moral sense or in an ironical one. HOW FRENCH ACTRESSES AVOID GIVING THEIR AGE. A servant robbed Mile. Mars of her diamonds one evening while she was at the theatre. Arrested, he was put upon trial, and witnesses were summoned to bear testimony to his guilt. Among these was Mile. Mars. She was greatly an- 72 EQUIVOQUE. noyed at this, as, according to the rules of French practice, the witness, after being sworn, gives his age. Now the age of Mile. Mars was an impenetrable mystery, for it was a theme she never alluded to, and she possessed the art of arresting time's flight, or at least of repairing its ravages so effectually that her face never revealed acquaintance with more than twenty years. She was for some days evidently depressed; then, all at once, her spirits rose as buoyant as ever. This puzzled the court — for people in her eminent position always have a court; parasites are plenty in Paris — they did not know whetner she had determined frankly to confess her age, or whether she had hit upon some means of eluding this thorny point of practice. The day of trial came, and she was at her place. The , court-room was filled, and when she was put in the witness- box every ear was bent towards her to catch the age she would give as her own. "Your name?" said the presiding judge. "Anne Francoise Hippolyte Mars." "What is your profes- sion?" "An actress of the French Comedy." "What is your age?" " ty years." "What?" inquired the pre- siding judge, leaning forward. " I have just told your honor!" replied the actress, giving one of those irresistible smiles which won the most hostile pit. The judge smiled in turn, and when he asked, as he did immediately, " Where do you live ?" hearty applause long prevented Mile. Mars from replying. Mile. Cico was summoned before a court to bear witness in favor of some cosmetic assailed as a poison by victims and their physicians. All the youngest actresses of Paris were there, and they reckoned upon a good deal of merriment and profit when Mile. Cico came to disclose her age. She was called to the stand — sworn — gave her name and profession. When the judge said "How old are you?" she quitted the stand, went up to the bench, stood on tip-toe, and whispered in the judge's ear the malicious mystery. The bench smiled, and kept her secret. THE CENTO. 73 &1je OTntto. A cento primarily signifies a cloak made of patches. In poetry it denotes a work wholly composed of verses, or passages promiscuously taken from other authors and disposed in a new form or order, so as to compose a new work and a new mean- ing. According to the rules laid down by Ausonius, the author of the celebrated Nuptial Cento, the pieces may be taken from the same poet, or from several ; and the verses may be either taken entire, or divided into two, one half to be connected with another half taken elsewhere ; but two verses are never to be taken together. The Empress Eudoxia wrote the life of Jesus Christ in centos taken from Homer. Proba Falconia, and, long after him, Alexander Ross, both composed a life of the Saviour, in the same manner, from Virgil. The title of Ross' work, which was republished in 1769, was Virgilius Evangelizans, sive Ms- toria Domini et Salvatoris nostri Jesu Christi Virgilianis verbis et versibus descripta. Subjoined are some modern specimens of this literary con- fectionery, called in modern parlance mosaic poetry. I only knew she came and went Lowell. Like troutlets in a pool ; Hood. She was a phantom of delight, Wordsworth. And I was like a fool. Eastman. " One kiss, dear maid," I said and sighed, Coleridge. " Out of those lips unshorn." Longfellow. She shook her ringlets round her head, Stoddard. And laughed in merry scorn. Tennyson. Ring out, wild hells, to the wild sky .' Tennyson. You hear them, oh my heart? Alice Gary. 'Tis twelve at night hy the castle clock, Coleridge, Beloved, we must part ! Alice Cary. "Come back! come back!" she cried in grief, Campbell. "My eyes are dim with tears — Bayard TayUf How bhall I live through all the days, Mrs. Osgood. All tnrcugh a hundred years ?" T. S. Perry 7 74 THE CENTO. 'Twas in the prime of summer time, Hood. She blessed me with her hand; Hoyt. We strayed together, deeply blest, Mrs. Edwards. Into the Dreaming Land. Cornwall. The laughing bridal roses blow, Patmore. To dress her dark brown hair; Bayard Taylor. No maiden may with her compare, Brailsford. Most beautiful, most rare ! Bead. I clasped it on her sweet cold hand, Browning. The precious golden link ; Smith. I calmed her fears, ;.nd she was calm, Coleridge. "Drink, pretty creature, drink!" Wordsioorth. And so I won my Genevieve, Coleridge. And walked in Paradise ; Hervey. The fairest thing that ever grew Wordsworth, Atween me and the skies. Osgood. Breathes there a man with soul so dead, Who never to himself hath said, Shoot folly as it flies ? Ah, more than tears of blood can tell, Are in that word farewell, farewell ; 'Tis folly to be wise. And what is Friendship but a name That burns on Etna's breast of flame? Thus runs the world away. Sweet is the ship that's under sail To where yon taper points the vale With hospitable ray. Drink to me only with thine eyes Through cloudless climes and starry skies, My native land, good-night. Adieu, adieu, my native shore; 'Tis Greece, but living Greece no more. Whatever is is right. Oh, ever thus from childhood's hour, Daughter of Jove, relentless power, In russet mantle clad. THE CENTO. 75 The rocks and hollow mountains rung While yet in early Greece she sung, I'm pleased, and yet I'm sad. In sceptred pall come sweeping by, 0, thou, the nymph with placid eye, By Philip's warlike son ; And on the light fantastic toe Thus hand-in-hand through life we'll go; Good-night to Marmion. LIFE. 1. — Why all this toil for triumphs of an hour? 2. — Life's a short summer, man a flower. 3. — By turns we catch the vital breath and die — 4. — The cradle and the tomb, alas ! so nigh. 5. — To be is better far than not to be, 6. — Though all man's life may seem a tragedy. 7. — But light cares speak when mighty griefs are dumb; 8. — The bottom is but shallow whence they come. 9. — Your fate is but the common fate of all, 10. — Unmingled joys, here, to no man befall. 11. — Nature to each allots his proper sphere, 12. — Fortune makes folly her peculiar care. 13. — Custom does not often reason overrule 14. — And throw a cruel sunshine on a fool. 15. — Live well, how long or short permit, to heaven ; 16. — They who forgive most, shall be most forgiven. 17. — Sin may be clasped so close we cannot see its face— 18. — Vile intercourse where virtue has not place. 19. — Then keep each passion down, however clear, 20. — Thou pendulum, betwixt a smile and tear; 21. — Her sensual snares let faithless pleasure lay, 22. — With craft and skill, to ruin and betray. 23. — Soar not too high to fall, but stop to rise ; 24. — We masters grow of all that wo despise. 25. — Oh then renounce that impious self-esteem ; 26. — Riches have wings and grandeur is a dream. 27. — Think not ambition wise, because 'tis brave, 28. — The paths of glory lead but to the grave. 76 THE CENTO. 29. — What is ambition ? 'Tis a glorious cheat, 30. — Only destructive to the brave and great. 31. — What's all the gaudy glitter of a crown ? 32. — The way to bliss lies not on beds of down. 33. — How long we live, not years but actions tell ; 34. — That man lives twice who lives the first life well. 35. — Make then, while yet ye may, your God your friend, 36. — Whom Christians worship, yet not comprehend. 37. — The trust that's given guard, and to yourself be just; 38. — For, live we how we can, yet die we must. 1. Young. 2. Dr. Johnson. 3. Pope. 4. Prior. 5. Sewell. 6. Spenser. 7. Daniel. 8. Sir Walter Kaleigh. 9. Longfellow. 10. Southwell. 11. Congreve. 12. Churchill. 13. Rochester. 14. Armstrong. 15. Milton. 16. Baily. 17. Trench. 18. Somervillo. 19. Thompson. 20. Byron. 21. Smollet. 22. Crabbe. 23. Massinger. 24. Crowley. 25. Beattie. 26. Cowper. 27. Sir Walter Davenant. 28. Grey. 29. Willis. 30. Addi- son. 31. Dryden. : 32. Francis Quarles. 33. Watkins. 34. Herrick. 35. William Mason. 36. Hill. 37. Dana. 38. Shakespeare. CENTO FROM POPE. 'Tis education forms the common mind ; Moral Essays. A mighty maze ! but not without a plan. Essay on Man. Ask of the learned the way ? The learned are blind ; " " The proper study of mankind is man. " " A little learning is a dangerous thing ; Essay on Criticism. Some have at first for wits, then poets passed — " " See from each clime the learned their incense bring, " " For rising merit will buoy up at last. " " Tell (for you can) what is it to be wise. — Essay on Man. Virtue alone is happiness below ; " " Honor and shame from no condition rise, " " And all our knowledge is ourselves to know. " " Who shall decide when doctors disagree ? Moral Essay. One truth is clear, whatever is, is right. Essay on Man. Since men interpret texts, why should not we January and May. Read them by day and meditate by night ? Essay on Criticism. BIBLICAL CENTO. Cling to the Mighty One, Ps. lxxxix. 19. Cling in thy grief; Heb. xii. 11. Cling to the Holy One, Ps. xxxix. 18. He gives relief; Ps. lxxxvi. 7. THE CENTO. Ii Cling to the Gracious One, Cling in thy pain; Cling to the Faithful One, He will sustain. Cling to the Living One, Cling in thy woe; Cling to the Loving One, Through all below : Cling to the Pardoning One, He speaketh peace ; Cling to the Healing One, Anguish shall cease. Cling to the Bleeding One, Cling to His side; Cling to the Risen One, In Him abide; Cling to the Coming One, Hope shall arise ; Cling to the Reigning One ; Joy lights thine eyes. Ps. cxvi. 5. Ps. lv. 4. 1 Thess. v. 24. Ps. xxviii. 8. neb. vii. 25. Ps. lxxxvi. 7. 1 John iv. 16. Rom. viii. 38, 39. Isa. lv. 7. John xiv. 27. Exod. xv. 26. Ps. cxlvii. 3. 1 John i. 7. John xx. 27. Rom. vi. 9. John xv. 4. Rev. xxii. 20. Titus ii. 13. Ps. xcvii. 1. Ps. xvi. 11. THE RETURN OP ISRAEL. I will surely gather the remnant of Israel. — Micah ii. 12. And the Temple again shall be built, And filled as it was of yore; And the burden be lift from the heart of the world, And the nations all adore ; Prayers to the throne of Heaven, Morning and eve shall rise, And unto and not of the Lamb Shall be the sacrifice. — Festus. La many strange and Gentile lands Micah v. 8. Where Jacob's scattered sons are driven, Jer. xxiii. 8. With longing eyes and lifted hands, Lam. i. 17. They wait Messiah's sign from heaven. Matth. xxiv. 30 The cup of fury they have quaffed, Isa. Ii. 17. Till fainted like a weary flock ; Isa. Ii. 20. But Heaven will soon withdraw the draught, Isa. Ii. 22. And give them waters from the rock. Exod. xvii. 6. What though their bodies, as the ground, Isa. Ii. 23. Th' Assyrian long has trodden o'er ! Isa. lii. 4. Zion, a captive daughter bound, Isa. lii. 2. Shall rise to know her wrong no more. Isa. liv. 3, 4. 78 MACARONIC VERSE. The veil is passing from her eyes, 2 Cor. iii. 16. The King of Nations she shall see; Zech. xiv. 9. Judea ! from the dust arise ! Isa. Iii. 2. Thy ransomed sons return to thee ! Jer. xxxi. 17. How gorgeous shall thy land appear, Isa. liv. 12. When, like the jewels of a bride, Isa. xlix. 18. Thy broken bands, all gathered there, Zech. xi. 14. Shall clothe thy hills on every side ! Isa. xlix. 18. When on thy mount, as prophets taught, Isa. xxiv. 23. Shall shine the throne of David's Son ; Ezek. xxxviL 22. The Gospel's latest triumphs brought Micah iv. 2. Where first its glorious course begun. Luke xxiv. 47. Gentiles and Kings, who thee oppressed, Isa. lx. 14. Shall to thy gates with praise repair; Isa. lx. 11. A fold of flocks shall Sharon rest, Isa. lxv. 10. And clustered fruits its vineyard bear. Joel ii. 22. Then shall an Eden morn illume Isa. Ii. 3. Earth's fruitful vales, without a thorn : Isa. Iv. 13. The wilderness rejoice and bloom, Isa. xxxv. 1. And nations in a day be born. Zech. ii. 11. The Lord his holy arm makes bare; Isa. Iii. 10. Zion ! thy cheerful songs employ ! Zeph. iii. 14, Thy robes of bridal beauty wear, Isa. Iii. 1. And shout, ye ransomed race, for joy ! Isa. Hi. 9. Jtaatmuc Vtx$z. "A TREATISE OF WINE.' The following specimen of macaronic verse, from the com- monplace book of Richard Hilles, who died in 1535, is probably the best of its kind extant. The scriptural allusions and the large intermixture of Latin evidently point to the refectory of some genial monastery as its source : — The best tree if ye take intent, Inter ligna fructifera, Is the vine tree by good argument, Dulcia ferens pondera. MACARONIC VERSE. 79 Saint Luke saith in his Gospel, Arbor fructu noscitur, The vine beareth wine as I you tell, Hinc aliis prasponitur. The first that planted the vineyard, Manet in coeli gaudio, His name was Noe, as I am learned, Genesis testimonio. God gave unto him knowledge and wit, A quo procedunt omnia, First of the grape wine for to get, Propter magna mysteria. The first miracle that Jesus did, Erat in vino rubeo, In Cana of Galilee it betide, Testante Evangelio. He changed water into wine, Aquae rubescunt hydriae, And bade give it to Archetcline, Ut gustet tunc primarie. Like as the rose exceedeth all flowers, Inter cuncta florigera, So doth wine all other liquors, Dans multa salutifera. David, the prophet, saith that wine Laetificat cor hominis, It maketh men merry if it be fine, Est ergo digni nominis. It nourisheth age if it be good, Facit ut esset juvenis, It gendereth in us gentle blood, Nam venas purgat sanguinis. By all these causes ye should think Quae sunt rationabiles, That good wine should be best of all drink Inter potus potabiles. Wine drinkers all, with great honor, Semper laudate Dominum, The which sendeth the good liquor Propter salutem hominum. 80 MACARONIC VERSE. Plenty to all that love good wine, Donet Deus largius, And bring them some when they go hence, Ubi non sitient amplius. THE SUITOR WITH NINE TONGUES. Tt coi Asyo), nupamiov, Now that this fickle heart is won ? Me semper amaturam te And never, never, never stray ? Herzsch'atzchen, Du verlangst zu viel When you demand so strict a seal. N'est-ce pas assez que je t'aime Without remaining still the same? Grij daarom geeft u liefde niet If others may not have a treat. Muy largo es mi corazon, And fifty holds as well as one. Non far nell' acqua buco che I am resolved to have my way; Im lo boteach atta bi, I'm willing quite to set you free : Be you content with half my time, As half in English is my rhyme. MAGINN'S ALTERNATIONS — HORACE, EPODE II. Blest man, who far from busy hum, Ut prisca gens mortalium, Whistles his team afield with glee Solutus omni fenore : He lives in peace, from battles free, Nee horret iratum mare ; And shuns the forum, and the gay Potentiorum limina. Therefore to vines of purple gloss Altas maritat populos, Or pruning off the boughs unfit Feliciores inserit. * * * * Alphius the usurer, babbled thus, Jam jam futurus rusticus, Called in his cast on th'Ides — but ho Quserit Kalendis ponere. MACARONIC VERSE. 81 CONTENTI ABEAMUS. Come, jocund friends, a bottle bring, And push around the jorum: We'll talk and laugh, and quaff and sing, Nunc suavium amorum. While we are in a merry mood, Come, sit down ad bibendum; And if dull care should dare intrude, We'll to the devil send him. A moping elf I can't endure While I have ready rhino; And all life's pleasures centre still In venere ac vino. Be merry then, my friends, I pray, And pass your time in joco, For it is pleasant, as they say, Desipere in loco. He that loves not a young lass Is sure an arrant stultus, And he that will not take a glass Deserves to be sepultus. Pleasure, music, love and wine Res valde sunt jucundae, And pretty maidens look divine, Provided ut sunt mundae. I hate a snarling, surly fool, Qui latrat sicut canis, Who mopes and ever eats by rule, Drinks water and eats panis. Give me the man that's always free, Qui finit molli more, The cares of life, what'er they be; Whose motto still is " Spero." Death will turn us soon from hence, Nigerrimas ad sedes; And all our lands and all our pence Ditabunt tunc heredes. Why should we then forbear to sport ? Dum vivamus, vivamus, And when the Fates shall cut us down Contenti abeamus. 82 MACARONIC VERSE. FLY-LEAP SCRIBBLING. Iste liber pertinet, And bear it well in mind, Ad me, Johanneni Rixbrum, So courteous and so kind. Quern si ego perdam, And by you it shall be found, Redde mihi iterum, Tour fame I then will sound. Sed si mihi redeas, Then blessed thou shalt be, Et ago tibi gratias Whenever I thee see. THE CAT AND THE RATS. Felis sedit by a hole, Intentus he, cum omni soul, Prendere rats Mice cucurrerunt trans the floor, In nurnero duo, tres, or more — Obliti cats. Felis saw them, oculis; " I'll have them," inquit he, " I guess, Dum ludunt." Tunc ille crept toward the group, " Habeam," dixit, " good rat soup — Pingues sunt." Mice continued all ludere, Intenti they in ludum vere, Gaudenter. Tunc rushed the felis into them, Et tore them omnes limb from limb, Violenter. Mures omnes, nunc be shy, Et aurem prasbe mihi, Benigne. Sit hoc satis — "verbum sat," Avoid a whopping big tom-cat Studiose. MACARONIC VERSE. 83 POLYGLOT INSCRIPTION. The following advertisement in five languages, is inscribed on the window of a public house in Germany : — In questa casa trovarete Toutes les choses que vous souhaitez; Vinum bonuru, costas, carnes, Neat post-chaise, and horse and harness. Bouj, opvfies, ix$us> apves. PARTING ADDRESS TO A FRIEND, Written by a German gentleman on the termination of a very agreeable, but brief acquaintance. I often wished I had a friend, Dem ich mich anvertrauen konnt', A friend in whom I could confide, Der mit mir theilte Freud und Leid ; Had I the riches of Girard — Ich theilte mit ihm Haus und Heerd; For what is gold ? 'tis but a passing metal, Der Henker hoi' fiir mich den ganzen Bettel. Could I purchase the world to live in it alone, Ich gab' dafiir nicht eine hohle Bohn'; I thought one time in you I'd find that friend, Und glaubte schon mein Sehnen hat ein End; Alas! your friendship lasted but in sight, Doch meine grenzet an die Ewigkeit. AM RHEIN. Oh, the Rhine — the Rhine — the Rhine — Comme c'est beau ! wie schon ! che bello ! He who quaffs thy Luft und Wein, Morbleu ! is a lucky fellow. How I love thy rushing streams, Groves of ash and birch and hazel, From Schaffhausen's rainbow beams Jusqu'a. l'echo d'Oberwesel ! Oh, que j'aime thy Bruchen when The crammed Dampfschiff gayly passes! — 84 MACARONIC VERSE. Love the bronzed pipes of thy men, And the bronzed cheeks of thy lasses ! Oh, que j'airne the "oui," the "bah," From thy motley crowds that flow, With the universal "ja,' And the allgenieine " so" ! THE DEATH OP THE SEA SERPENT. Anna virumque cano, qui first in Monongahela Tarnally squampushed the sarpent, mittens horrentia tella. Musa, look sharp with your Banjo ! I guess to relate this event, I Shall need all the aid you can give; so nunc aspirate canenti. Mighty slick were the vessels progressing, Jactata per asquora ventis, But the brow of the skipper was sad, cum solicitudine mentis; For whales had been scarce in those parts, and the skipper, so long as he'd known her, Ne'er had gathered less oil in a cruise to gladden the heart of her owner. "Darn the whales," cries the skipper at length, "with a telescope forte videbo Aut pisces, aut terras." While speaking, just two or three points on the lea bow, He saw coming towards them as fast as though to a combat 'twould tempt 'em, A monstrum horrendum informe (qui lumen was shortly ademptum). On the taffrail up jumps in a hurry, dux fortis, and seizing a trumpet, Blows a blast that would waken the dead, mare turbat et aera rumpit "Tumble up all you lubbers," he cries, "tumble up, for careering be- fore us Is the real old sea sarpent himself, cristis maculisque decorus." " Consarn it," cried one of the sailors, " if e'er we provoke him he'll kill us, He'll certainly chaw up hos morsu, et longis, implexibus illos." Loud laughs the bold skipper, and quick premit alto corde dolorem ; (If he does feel like running, he knows it won't do to betray it before 'em). " socii ", inquit. " I'm sartin you're not the fellers to funk, or Shrink from the durem certamen, whose fathers fit bravely at Bunker You, who have waged with the bears, and the buffalo, proelia dura, Down to the freshets, and licks of our own free enlightened Missourer; You could whip your own weight, catulus stevis sine telo, Get your eyes skinned in a twinkling, et ponite tela phsesello !" Talia voce refert, curisque ingentibus reger, Marshals his cute little band, now panting their foes to beleaguer Swiftly they lower the boats, and swiftly each man at the oar is, Excipe Britanni timidi duo, virque coloris. CONCATENATION OR CHAIN VERSE. 85 (Blackskin, you know, never feels, how sweet, 'tis pro patria niori; Ovid had him in view when he said, " Niniium ne crede colori.") Now swiftly they pull towards the monster, who seeing the cutter and gig nigh, Glares at them with terrible eyes, suffectis sanguine et igni, And, never conceiving their chief will so quickly deal him a floorer, Opens wide to receive them at once, his Unguis vibrantibis ora ; But just as he's licking his lips, and gladly preparing to taste 'em, Straight into his eyeball the skipper stridentem conjicit hastam. Sti-aight as he feels in his eyeball the lance, growing mightly sulky, At 'em he comes in a rage, ora minax, lingua trusulca. "Starn all," cry the sailors at once, for they think he has certainly caught 'em, Prajsentemque viris intentant omnia mortem. But the bold skipper exclaims, " terque quaterque beati ! Now with a will dare viam, when I want you, be only parati ; This hoss feels like raising his hair, and in spite of his scaly old cortex, Full soon you shall see that his corpse rapidus vorat asquore vortex." Hoc ait, and choosing a lance : " With this one I think I shall hit it, He cries, and straight into his mouth, ad intima viscera mittit. Screeches the creature in pain, and writhes till the sea is commotum, As if all its waves had been lashed in a tempest per Eurum et Notum. Interea terrible shindy Neptunus sensit, et alto Prospiciens sadly around, wiped his eye with the cuff of his paletSt; And, mad at his favorite's fate, of oaths uttered one or two thousand, Such as " Corpo di Bacco ! Mehercle ! Sacre ! Mille Tonnerres ! Potz- tausend !" But the skipper, who thought it was time to this terrible fight dare fincm, With a scalping-knife jumps on the neck of the snake secat et dextra, crinem, And hurling the scalp in the air, half mad with delight to possess it, Shouts " Darn it — I've fixed up his flint, for in ventos vita reeessit !" Concatenation or (Eijatn Vzx$z. lasphrise's novelties. Lasphrise, a French poet of considerable merit, claims the invention of several singularities in verse, and among them the following, in which it will be found that the last word of every line is the first word of the following line : — s 86 CONCATENATION OR CHAIN VERSE. Falloit-it que le ciel me rendit amoureux, Araoureaux, jouissant d'une beaute craintive, Craintive a recevoir douceur excessive, Excessive au plaisir qui rend raruant heureux ? Heureux si nous avions quelques paisibles lieux, Lieux ou plus surement l'ami fidele arrive, Arrive sans soupcon de quelque ami attentive, Attentive a, vouloir nous surprendre tous deux. Subjoined are examples in our own vernacular : — TO DEATH. The longer life, the more offence ; The more oiTence, the greater pain; The greater pain, the less defence; The less defence, the lesser gain — The loss of gain long ill doth try, Wherefore, come, death, and let me die. The shorter life, less count I find ; The less account, the sooner made; The count soon made, the merrier mind ; The merrier mind doth thought invade- Short life, in truth, this thing doth try, Wherefore, come, death, and let me die. Come, gentle death, the ebb of care; The ebb of care the flood of life ; The flood of life, the joyful fare; The joyful fare, the end of strife — The end of strife that thing wish I, Wherefore, come, death and let me die. TRUTH. Nerve thy soul with doctrines noble, Noble in the walks of Time, Time that leads to an eternal, An eternal life sublime ; Life sublime in moral beauty, Beauty that shall ever be, Ever be to lure thee onward, Onward to the fountain free; Free to every earnest seeker, Seeker at the Fount of Youth, Youth exultant in its beauty, Beauty found in the quest of Truth. CONCATENATION OR CHAIN VERSE. 87 TRYING SKYING. Long I looked into the sky, Sky aglow with gleaming stars, Stars that stream their courses high, High and grand, those golden cars, Cars that ever keep their track, Track untraced by human ray, Ray that zones the zodiac, Zodiac with milky-way, Milky-way where worlds are sown, Sown like sands along the sea, Sea whose tide and tone e'er own, Own a feeling to be free, Free to leave its lowly place, Place to prove with yonder spheres, Spheres that trace athrough all space, Space and years — unspoken years. A RINGING SONG. The following gem is from an old play of Sbakspeare'g time, called The True Trojans : — The sky is glad that stars above Do give a brighter splendor ; The stars unfold their flaming gold, To make the ground more tender: The ground doth send a fragrant smell, That air may be the sweeter ; The air doth charm the swelling seas With pretty chirping metre; The sea with rivers' water doth Feed plants and flowers so dainty ; The plants do yield their fruitful seed, That beasts may live in plenty ; The beasts do give both food and cloth, That men high Jove may honor; And so the World runs merrily round, When Peace doth smile upon her ! Oh, then, then oh ! oh then, then oh ! This jubilee last forever; That foreign spite, or civil fight, Our quiet trouble never ! BOUTS RIMfiS. HSouts Mimes. Bouts Rimes, or Rhyming Ends, afford considerable amuse- ment. They are said by Goujet to have been invented by Dulot, a French poet, who had a custom of preparing the rhymes of sonnets, leaving them to be filled up at leisure. Having been robbed of his papers, he was regretting the loss of three hundred sonnets. His friends were astonished that he had written so many of which they had never heard. " They were blank sonnets," said he, and then explained the mystery by describing his " Bouts Rimes." The idea appeared ridicu- lously amusing, and it soon became a fashionable pastime to collect some of the most difficult rhymes, and fill up the lines. An example is appended : — nettle, pains. mettle. remains. natures. rebel. graters. well. The rhymes may be thus completed : — Tender-handed stroke a nettle, And it stings you for your pains ; Grasp it like a man of mettle, And it soft as silk remains. 'Tis the same with common natures, Use them kindly, they rebel ; But be rough as nutmeg-graters, And the rogues obey you well. A sprightly young belle, who was an admirer of poetry, would often tease her beau, who had made some acquaintance with the muses, to write verses for her. One day, becoming quite im- portunate, she would take no denial. " Come, pray, do now write some poetry for me — won't you ? I'll help you out. I'll BOUTS rim£s. 89 furnish you with rhymes if you will make lines for them. Here now : — please, moan, tease, bone." He at length good-humoredly complied, and filled up the measure as follows : — To a form that is faultless, a face that must — please, Is added a restless desire to — tease ; 0, how my hard fate I should ever be — moan, Could I but believe she'd be bone of my — bonel Mr. Bogart, a young man of Albany, who died in 1826, at the age of twenty-one, displayed astonishing facility in im- promptu writing. It was good-naturedly hinted on one occasion that his " im- promptus" were prepared beforehand, and he was asked if he would submit to the application of a test of his poetic abilities. He promptly acceded, and a most difficult one was immediately proposed. Among his intimate friends were Col. J. B. Van Schaick and Charles Fenno Hoffman, both of whom were present. Said Van Schaick, taking up a copy of Byron, "The name of Lydia Kane" (a lady distinguished for her beauty and cleverness, who died a few years ago, but who was then just blushiug into womanhood) " has in it the same number of letters as a stanza of Childe Harold has lines : write them down in a column." They were so written by Bogart, Hoffman, and himself. " Now," he continued, " I will open the poem at random ; and for the ends of the lines in Miss Lydia's Acrostic shall be used the words ending those of the verse on which my finger may rest." The stanza thus selected was this : — And must they fall, the young, the proud, the brave, To swell one bloated chief's unwholesome reign? No step between submission and a grave ? The rise of rapine and the fall of Spain ? And doth the Power that man adores ordain Their doom, nor heed the suppliant's appeal ? Is all that desperate valor acts in vain? And counsel sage, and patriotic zeal, The veteran's skill, youth's fire, and manhood's heart of steel? 90 BOUTS RIMES. The following stanza was composed by Bogart within the succeeding ten minutes, — the period fixed in a wager, — finished before his companions had reached a fourth line, and read to them as here presented :* — L ovely and loved, o'er the unconquered brave Y our charms resistless, matchless girl, shall reign ! D ear as the mother holds her infant's grave I n Love's own region, warm, romantic Spain ! A nd should your fate to court your steps ordain, K ings would in vain to regal pomp appeal, A nd lordly bishops kneel to you in vain, N or valor's fire, law'.? power, nor churchman's zeal E ndure 'gainst love's (time's up !) untarnished steel. The French also amuse themselves with bouts rimfe retournSs, in which the rhymes are taken from some piece of poetry, but the order in which they occur is reversed. The following ex- ample is from the album of a Parisian lady of literary celebrity, the widow of one of the Crimean heroes. The original poem is by Alfred de Musset, the retournis by Marshal Pelissier, who improvised it at the lady's request. In the translation which ensues, the reversed rhymes are carefully preserved. BY DE MUSSET. Quand la fugitive esperance Nous pousse le coude en passant, Puis a tire d'ailes s'elance Et se retourne en souriant, Ou va l'homme? ou son coeur l'appelle; L'hirondelle suit le z6phir, Et moins legere est l'hirondelle Que l'homme qui suit son desir. Ah ! fugitive enchanteresse, Sais-tu seulement ton chemin? Faut-il done que le vieux destin Ait une si jeune maitresse ! BY PELISSIEB, DUC DE MALAKOFF. Pour chanter la jeune maitresse Que Musset donne au vieux destin, * The truth of this circumstance was confirmed by Mr. Hoffman in the course of a conversation upon that and similar topics several years after- ward. BOUTS RIMfiS. 91 J'ai trop parcouru de chemin Sans atteindre l'enchantorcsse ; Toujours vers cet ancien desir J'ai tendu comme l'hirondelle, Mais sans le secours du zephir Qui la porte oil son cceur l'appelle. Adieu, fantome souriant, Vers qui la jeunesse s'elance, La raison me crie en passant; Le souvenir vaut l'esperance. TRANSLATION. When Hope, a fugitive, retreating Elbows us, as away she flies, Tben swift returns, another greeting To offer us with laughing eyes. Man goeth when his heart is speaking, The swallows through the zephyrs dart, And man, who's every fancy seeking, Hath yet a more inconstant heart. Enchantress, fugitive, coquetting! Know'st thou then true, alone, thy way ? Hath then stern Fate, so old and gray, So young a mistress never fretting? REVERSED RHYMES. To sing the mistress, never fretting, Musset gives Fate, so old and gray, Too long I've travelled on my way, And ne'er attained her dear coquetting. To find that longing of the heart, I've been, like yonder swallow, seeking, Yet could not through the zephyrs dart, Nor reach the wish the heart is speaking. Adieu then, shade, with laughing eyes, Towards whom youth ever sends its greeting ; Better, cries Reason, as she flies, Remembrance now, than Hope retreating. Among the eccentricities of literature may be classed Rhopalic verse*, which begin with a monosyllable and gradually increase the length of each successive word. The name was suggested by the shape of Hercules' club, p6na\ov. Sometimes they run from the butt to the handle of the club. Take as an example of each, — Rem tibi confeci, doctissime, dulcisonoram. Yectigalibus armamenta referro jubet Rex. 92 EMBLEMATIC POETRY. ISmfclemattc ^oetrg. A pair of scissors and a comb in verse. — Ben Jonson. On their fair standards by the wind displayed, Eggs, altars, wings, pipes, axes, were portrayed. — Scribleriad. The quaint conceit of making verses assume grotesque shapes and devices, expressive of the theme selected by the writer, appears to have been most fashionable during the seven- teenth century. Writers tortured their brains in order to tor- ture their verses into all sorts of fantastic forms, from a flower- pot to an obelisk, from a pin to a pyramid. Hearts and fans and knots were chosen for love-songs ; wineglasses, bottles, and casks for Bacchanalian songs; pulpits, altars, and monu- ments for religious verses and epitaphs. Tom Nash, according to Disraeli, says of Gabriel Harvey, that "he had writ verses in all kinds : in form of a pair of gloves, a pair of spectacles, a pair of pot-hooks, &c." Puttenham, in his Art of Poesie, gives several odd specimens of poems in the form of lozenges, pillars, triangles, &c. Butler says of Benlowes, " the excel- lently learned," who was much renowned for his literary freaks, " As for temples and pyramids in poetry, he has out- done all men that way; for he has made a grid-iron and a frying-pan in verse, that, besides the likeness in shape, the very tone and sound of the words did perfectly represent the noise made by these utensils ! When he was a captain, he made all the furniture of his horse, from the bit to the crupper, the beaten poetry, every verse being fitted to the proportion of the thing, with a moral allusion to the sense of the thing : as the bridle of moderation, the saddle of content, and the crup- per of constancy ; so that the same thing was the epigram and emblem, even as a mule is both horse and ass." Mr. Alger tells us that the Oriental poets are fond of arranging their poems in the form of drums, swords, circles, crescents, trees, &c, and that the Alexandrian rhetoricians used to amuse themselves by writing their satires and invectives in the shape of an axe or a EMBLEMATIC POETRY. 93 spear. He gives the following erotic triplet, composed by a Hindu poet, the first line representing a bow, the second its string, the third an arrow aimed at the heart of the object of his passion : — a art the fairest slay e . ,&1 at I by my S ' his wound [ orns, my dea i my bles , unts, with • my h forgi ; fount, the li ' thee [ er helps a , cross my , en then, wh > and death sin > od ! my way ' eath defe Met ' with the bow down thy blossed ears let thine eyes, which sleep T behold a sinner weep. £ my God! my faults, though great een thy mercy-seat rown, since we are taught, #> any o §> viour # "■$> my balm, his st ^ XSJfeJfL I t ^ Redeemer, h <§>old thy o «§> pes on the •<■< v & e, as well as pay * f # e, the wa # o T whither r f e Tain, giv X s a aviug hea ,-i, a It I with <♦» k ♦• me forev <|> e & a direct n «^d,thatfromtheeI'j| e be raise Sweet Jes sought. the are set, th «p e debt. y f I know; s T hould I go? e 2 thine to me; 1 & th must be. f .». aith implore, e <& r more. a «£ nd keep, e'er slip; d T then, us X say, Amenl EXPLANATION. The middle cross represents our Saviour; those on either side, the two thieves. On the top and down the middle cross are our Saviour's expression, "My God! My God! why hast thou forsaken me?" and on the top of the cross is the Latin inscription, "INRI" — Jesus Nazarenus Rex Judjeorum, i.e. Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews. Upon the cross on the right hand '.s the prayer of one of the thieves: — "Lord! remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom." On the left-hand cross is the saying, or reproach, of tho other: — "If thou beest the Christ, save thyself and us." The whole, comprised together, makes a piece of excellent poetry, which is to bo read across all the columns, and makes as many lines as there are letters in the alphabet. It ia perhaps one of the most curious pieces of composition to be found on record. 96 EMBLEMATIC COMPOSITION. INGENIOUS CYPHER The following was written by Prof. Whewell at the request of a young lady : — U a but I U, no but me; let not my a go, But give I U so. Th us de-cyphered : (You sigh for a cypher, but I sigh for you ; sigh for no cypher, but sigh for me : let not my sigh for a cypher go, But give sigh for sigh, for I sigh for you SO.) TYPOGRAPHICAL. We once saw a young man gazing at the *ry heavens, with a f in 1 JUgg*" and a , — > — . of pistols in the other. We endeavored to attract his attention by .ing to a ^[ in a paper we held in our B®°, relating 2 a young man in that § of the country, who had left home in a state of mental derangement. He dropped the f and pistols from his B§§~°^g with the ! "It is I of whom U read. I left home be4 my friends knew of my design. I had sO the S&^ of a girl who refused 2 lislO 2 me, but smiled b9nly on another. I ed madly from the house, uttering a wild ' 2 the god of love, and without replying 2 the ??? of my friends, came here with this f & , — « — , of pis- tols, 2 put a . 2 my existence. My case has no || in this §." OXFORD JOKE. A gentleman entered the room of Dr. Barton, Warden of Merton College, and told him that Dr. Vowel was dead. "What!" said he, "Dr. Vowel dead! well, thank heaven it was neither U nor I." In an old church in Westchester county, N. Y., the following consonants are written beside the altar, under the Ten Com- mandments. What vowel is to be placed between them, to make sense and rhyme of the couplet? P. R. S. V. R. Y. P. R. F. C. T. M. N. V. R. K. P. T. H. S. P. R. C. P. T. S. T. N. EMBLEMATIC POETRY. 97 ESSAY TO MISS CATHARINE JAY. An S A now I mean 2 write 2 U sweet K T J, The girl without a ||, The belle of U T K. 1 1 der if U got that 1 1 wrote 2 U B 4 I sailed in the R K D A, And sent by L N Moore. My M T head will scarce contain A calm IDA bright But A T miles from U I must M-*- this chance 2 write. And 1st, should N E N V U, B E Z, mind it not, Should N E friendship show, B true; They should not B forgot. From virt U nev R D V 8 ; Her influence B 9 A like induces 10 dern S, Or 40 tude D vine. And if U cannot cut a Or cut an ! I hope U'll put a . 2 1?. R U for an X ation 2, My cous N ? — heart and JS&* He off R's in a f A § 2 of land. He says he loves U2XS, U R virtuous and Y's, InXLNCUXL All others in his i's. This S A, until U I C, I pray U 2 X Q's, And do not burn in F E G My young and wayward muse. Now fare U well, dear KTJ, I trust that U R true — When this U C, then you can say, An S A I U. 9 98 MONOSYLLABLES. " And ten low words oft creep in one dull line." Some of our best writers have very properly taken exception to the above line in Pope's Essay on Criticism, and have shown, by reference to abundant examples, that many of the finest pass- ages in our language are nearly, if not altogether, monosyllabic. Indeed, it could not well be otherwise, if it be true that, as Dean Swift has remarked, the English language is " over- stocked with monosyllables." It contains more than five hundred formed by the vowel a alone ; four hundred and fifty by the vowel e; nearly four hundred by the vowel %; more than four hundred by the vowel o; and two hundred and sixty by the vowel u ; besides a large number formed by diphthongs. Floy has written a lengthy and very ingenious article, entirely in monosyllables, in which he undertakes, as he says, to "prove that short words, in spite of the sneer in the text, need not creep, nor be dull, but that they give strength, and life, and fire to the verse of those who know how to use them." Pope himself, however, has confuted his own words by his admirable writings more effectively than could be done by labored argument. Many of the best lines in the Essay above referred to, as well as in the Essay on Man, — and there are few "dull" or "creeping" verses to be found in either, — are made up entirely of monosyllables, or contain but one word of greater length, or a contracted word pronounced as one syllable. The Universal Prayer — one of the most beautiful and elaborate pieces, both in sentiment and versification, ever produced in any language — contains three hundred and four words, of which there are two hundred and forty-nine monosyllables to fifty-five polysyllables, thus averaging but one of the latter to every line. A single stanza is appended as a specimen : — If I am right, thy grace impart Still in the right to stay; If I am wrong, oh, teach my heart To find that better way 1 MONOSYLLABLES. 99 Rogers, conversing on this subject, cited two lines from Eloisa to Ahelard, which he declared could not possibly be improved : — Pant on thy lip, and to thy heart be press'd ; Give all thou canst — and let me dream the rest. Among the illustrations employed by Floy, are numerous selections from the hymnology in common congregational use, such as the following : — Sweet is the work, my God, my King, To praise thy name, give thanks, and sing; To show thy love by morning light, And talk of all thy truth at night. — Watts. Are there no foes for me to face ? Must I not stem the flood ? Is this vile world a friend to grace To help me on to God ? — Watts. Save me from death ; from hell set free ; Death, hell, are but the want of thee : My life, my only heav'n thou art, — might I feel thee in my heart ! — C. Wesley. The same writer, to show Shakspeare's fondness for small words, and their frequent subservience to some of his most masterly efforts, enters upon a monosyllabic analysis of King Lear, quoting from it freely throughout. Those who read the play with reference to this point will be struck with the re- markable number of forcible passages made up of words of one syllable : — Thou know'st the first time that we smell the air, We wawl and cry : I will preach to thee ; mark me. When we are born, we cry that we are come To this great stage of fools. — This a good block? — Act IV. Sc. 6. The following occurs in the play of King John, where the King is pausing in his wish to incite Hubert to murder Arthur : — Good friend, thou hast no cause to say so yet ; But thou shalt have ; and creep time ne'er so slow, Yet it shall come, for me to do thee good. I had a thing to say. — But let it go. — Act III. Sc. 3. 100 MONOSYLLABLES. But who I was, or where, or from what cause, Knew not ; to speak I tried, and forthwith spake Thou sun, said I, fair light, And thou enlightened earth, so fresh and gay, Ye hills, and dales, ye rivers, woods, and plains, And ye that live and move, fair creatures, tell, Tell, if ye saw how I came thus, how here ? — Tell me, how may I know Him, how adore, Prom whom I have that thus I move and live ? — Paradise Lost, S. Till. Herrick says, in his address to the daffodils : — We have short time to stay as you, We have as short a spring ; As quick a growth to meet decay As you or any thing. We die As your hours do, and dry Like to the rain, Or as the pearls of dew. Now I am here, what thou wilt do for me, None of my hooks will show ; I read, and sigh, and wish I were a tree, For sure I then should grow To fruit or shade : at least some hird might trust Her household to me, and I should be just.— George Herbert. Thou who hast given me eyes to see And love this sight so fair, Give me a heart to find out Thee, And read Thee everywhere. — Keble. The hell strikes one. We take no note of time Save by its loss ; to give it then a tongue Were wise in man. — Young. Ah, yes ! the hour is come When thou must haste thee home, Pure soul ! to Him who calls. The God who gave thee breath Walks by the side of death, And naught that step appalls. — Landor. New light new love, new love new life hath bred ; A life that lives by love, and loves by light ; A love to Him to whom all loves are wed ; A light to whom the sun is darkest night : MONOSYLLABLES. 101 Eye's ligbt, heart's love, soul's only life, Ho e ; Life, soul, love, heart, light, eyes, and all are His ; He eye, light, heart, love, soul ; He all my joy and bliss. — Fletcher's Purple [aland. Bailey's Festus, that extraordinary poem the perusal of which makes the reader feel as if he had " eaten of the insane root that takes the reason prisoner/' abounds with examples : — Night brings out stars as sorrow shows us truths : Though many, yet they help not ; bright, they light not. They are too late to serve us ; and sad things Are aye too true. We never see the stars Till we can see naught but them. So with truth. And yet if one would look down a deep well, Even at noon, we might see those same stars Life's more than breath, and the quick round of blood— We live in deeds, not years ; in thoughts, not breaths — We should count time by heart-throbs. He most lives Who thinks most — feels the noblest — acts the best. Life's but a means unto an end — Helen (sings.) Oh! love is like the rose, And a month it may not see, Ere it withers where it grows — Rosalie ! I loved thee from afar ; Oh ! my heart was lift to thee Like a glass up to a star — Rosalie ! Thine eye was glassed in mine As the moon is in the sea, And its shine is on the brine — Rosalie ! The rose hath lost its red, And the star is in the sea, And the briny tear is shed- Rosalie! Festus. What the stars are to tho night, my love^ What its pearls are to the sea, What the dew is to the day, my love, Thy beauty is to me. We may say that the sun is dead, and gone Forever; and may swear he will rise no more ; 9* 102 MONOSYLLABLES. The skies may put on mourning for their God, And earth heap ashes on her head ; but who Shall keep the sun back when he thinks to rise ? Where is the chain shall bind him ? Where the cell Shall hold him ? Hell he would burn down to embers, And would lift up the world with a lever of light Out of his way : yet, know ye, 'twere thrice less To do thrice this, than keep the soul from God. Many of the most expressive sentences in the Bible are mono- syllabic. A few are subjoined, selected at random : — And God said, Let there be light : and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good. — Gen. I At her feet he bowed, ho fell, he lay down : at her feet he bowed, he fell : where he bowed, there he fell down dead. — Judges V. Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me. Lord, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave : thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit. Sing unto the Lord, ye sainU of his, and give thanks. — Psalm XXX. And he said unto me, Son of man, can these bones live ? — Ezek. XXXVII. Prove all things; hold fast that which is good. — 1 Thess. V. For if we be dead with him, we shall also live with him. — 2 Tim. II. For the great day of his wrath is c«me; and who shall be able to stand? — Rev. VI. And the gates of it shall not be shut at all by day ; for there shall be no night there. — Rev. XXI. THE POWER OP SHORT WORDS. Think not that strength lies in the big round word, Or that the brief and plain must needs be weak. To whom can this be true who once has heard The cry for help, the tongue that all men speak, When want or woe or fear is in the throat, So that each word gasped out is like a shriek Pressed from the sore heart, or a strange wild note, Sung by some fay or fiend ? There is a strength Which dies if stretched too far or spun too fine, Which has more height than breadth, more depth than length. Let but this force of thought and speech be mine, And he that will may take the sleek fat phrase Which glows and burns not, though it gleam and shine — Light, but no heat — a flash, but not a blaze ! THE BIBLE. 103 Nor is it mere strength that the short word boasts : It serves of more than fight or storm to tell, The roar of waves that clash on rock-bound coasts, The crash of tall trees when the wild winds swell, The roar of guns, the groans of men that die On blood-stained fields. It has a voice as well For them that far off on their sick-beds lio; For them that weep, for them that mourn the dead ; For them that laugh and dance and clap the hand ; To joy's quick step, as well as grief's slow tread, The sweet, plain words we learnt at first keep time, And though the theme bo sad, or gay, or grand, With each, with all, these may be made to chime, In thought, or speech, or song, in prose or rhyme. De. Alexander, Princeton Magatin*. &i)e mm. God's cabinet of revealed counsel 'tis, Where weal and woe are ordered so That every man may know which shall be his; Unless his own mistake false application make. It is the index to eternity. He cannot miss of endless bliss, That takes this chart to steer by, Nor can he be mistook, that speaketh by this book. It is the book of God. What if I should Say, God of books, let him that looks Angry at that expression, as too bold, His thoughts in silence smother, till he find such another. ACCURACY OF THE BIBLE. One of the most remarkable results of modern research is the confirmation of the accuracy of the historical books of the Old Testament. The ruins of Babylon and Nineveh shed a light on those books which no skepticism can invalidate. What surprises us most is their marvellous accuracy in minute details, which are now substantiated by recent discoveries. The fact seems to be that when writing was laboriously performed on 104 THE BIBLE stone, men had an almost superstitious conscientiousness in making their records true, and had not learned the modern in- difference to truth which our facile modes of communicating thought have encouraged. A statement to be chiselled on rock must be correct; a statement which can be written in five minutes is likely to embody only first impressions, which may be amended in five minutes thereafter. Hence it comes to pass that we know more exactly many things which took place in the wars between Sennacherib and Hezekiah, than we know what is the precise truth with regard to some of the occur, rences in the battle of Bunker's Hill. Sir Henry Rawlinson, speaking of his researches in Babylon, states that the name and situation of every town of note in ancient Assyria, men- tioned in the Bible, can be substantiated by the ruins of that city. The visit of the Queen of Sbeba to Solomon is perfectly verified. The prosecution of the researches will be regarded with great interest as corroborating the truth of Scripture. An astonishing feature of the word of God is, notwithstand- ing the time at which its compositions were written, and the multitude of the topics to which it alludes, there is not one physical error, — not one assertion or allusion disproved by the progress of modern science. None of those mistakes which the science of each succeeding age discovered in the books pre- ceding ; above all, none of tbose absurdities which modern astronomy indicates in such great numbers in the writings of the ancients, — in their sacred codes, in their philosophy, and even in the finest pages of the fathers of the Church, — not one of these errors is to be found in any of our sacred books. Nothing there will ever contradict that which, after so many ages, the investigations of the learned world have been able to reveal to us on the state of our globe, or on that of the heavens. Peruse with care the Scriptures from one end to the other, to find such blemishes, and, whilst you apply yourselves to this examina- tion, remember that it is a book which speaks of every thing, which describes nature, which recites its creation, which tells us of the water, of the atmosphere, of the mountains, of the TIIE BIBLE. 1Q5 animals, and of the plants. It is a book which teaches us the first revolutions of the world, and which also foretells its last. It recounts them in the circumstantial language of history, it extols them in the sublimest strains of poetry, and it chants them in the charms of glowing soug. It is a book which is full of Oriental rapture, elevation, variety, and boldness. It is a book which speaks of the heavenly and invisible world, whilst it also speaks of the earth and things visible. It is a book which nearly fifty writers, of every degree of cultivation, of every state, of every condition, and living through the course of fifteen hundred years, have concurred to make. It is a book which was written in the centre of Asia, in the sands of Arabia, in the deserts of Judea, in the court of the Temple of the Jews, in the music-schools of the prophets of Bethel and Jericho, in the sumptuous palaces of Babylon, and on the idolatrous banks of Chebar; and finally, in the centre of Western civilization, in the midst of the Jews and of their ignorance, in the midst of polytheism and its sad philosophy. It is a book whose first writer had been forty years a pupil of the magicians of Egypt, in whose opinion the sun, the stars, and elements were en- dowed with intelligence, reacted on the elements, and governed the world by a perpetual illuvium. It is a book whose first writer preceded, by more than nine hundred years, the most ancient philosophers of ancient Greece and Asia, — the Thaleses, and the Pythagorases, the Zaleucuses, the Xenophons, and the Confuciuses. It is a book which carries its narrations even to the hierarchies of angels — even to the most distant epochs of the future, and the glorious scenes of the last day. Well : search among its fifty authors, search among its sixty-six books, its eleven hundred and eighty-nine chapters, and its thirty-one thousand one hundred and seventy-three verses; search for only one of those thousand errors which the ancients and moderns have committed in speaking of the heavens or of the earth — of their revolutions, of their elements ; search — but you will find none. 106 THE BIBLE. THE TESTIMONY OF LEARNED MEN. Sir William Jones' opinion of the Bible was written on the last leaf of one belonging to hiui, in these terms : — " I have regularly and attentively read these Holy Scriptures, and am of opinion that this volume, independently of its Divine ori- gin, contains more sublimity and beauty, more pure morality, more important history and finer strains of poetry and elo- quence, than can be collected from all other books, in whatever age or language they may have been composed." Kousseau says, "This Divine Book, the only one which is indispensable to the Christian, need only be read with reflec- tion to inspire love for its author, and the most ardent desire to obey its precepts. Never did virtue speak so sweet a lan- guage; never was the most profound wisdom expressed with so much energy and simplicity. No one can arise from its perusal without feeling himself better than he was before." Wilberforce, in his dying hour, said to a friend, "Read the Bible. Let no religious book take its place. Through all my perplexities and distresses, I never read any other book, and I never knew the want of any other. It has been my hourly study; and all my knowledge of the doctrines, and all my acquaintance with the experience and realities, of religion, have been derived from the Bible only. I think religious peo- ple do not read the Bible enough. Books about religion may be useful enough, but they will not do instead of the simple truth of the Bible." Lord Bolingbroke declared that "the Gospel is, in all cases, one continued lesson of the strictest morality, of justice, of benevolence, and of universal charity." Similar testimony has been accorded in the strongest terms by Locke, Newton, Boyle, Selden, Salmasius, Sir Wal- ter Scott, and numberless others. Daniel Webster, having been commended for his eloquence on a memorable occasion, replied, "If any thing I have ever said or written deserves the feeblest encomiums of my fellow- THE BIBLE. 107 countrymen, I have no hesitation in declaring that for their partiality I am indebted, solely indebted, to the daily and at- tentive perusal of the Holy Scriptures, the source of all true poetry and eloquence, as well as of all good and all comfort." John Quincy Adams, in a letter to his son in 1811, says, " I have for many years made it a practice to read through the Bible once every year. My custom is to read four or five chap- ters every morning, immediately after rising from my bed. It employs about an hour of my time, and seems to me the most suitable manner of beginning the day. In whatsoever light we regard the Bible, whether with reference to revelation, to history, or to morality, it is an invaluable and inexhaustible mine of knowledge and virtue." Addison says, in relation to the poetry of the Bible, "After perusing the Book of Psalms, let a judge of the beau- ties of poetry read a literal translation of Horace or Pindar, and he will find in these two last such an absurdity and con- fusion of style, with such a comparative poverty of imagination, as will make him sensible of the vast superiority of Scripture style." Lord Bykon, in a letter to Mrs. Sheppard, said, in refer- ence to the truth of Christianity, " Indisputably, the firm believers in the Gospel have a great advantage over all others, for this simple reason : — that, if true, they will have their re- ward hereafter ; and if there be no hereafter, they can be but with the infidel in his eternal sleep, having had the assistance of an exalted hope through life, without subsequent disappoint- ment, since (at the worst, for them) out of nothing nothing can arise, — not even sorrow." The following lines of Walter Scott are said to have been copied in his Bible : — "Within this awful volume lies The mystery of mysteries. Oh ! happiest they of human race, To whom our God has given grace To hear, to read, to fear, to pray, To lift the latch, and force the way; But better had they ne'er been born, Who read to doubt, or read to scorn. — Monastery. 108 THE BIBLE. ENGLISH BIBLE TRANSLATIONS. Our version of the Bible is to be loved and prized for this, as for a thou- sand other things, — that it ha3 preserved a purity of meaning to many terms of natural objects. Without this holdfast, our vitiated imaginations would refino away language to mere abstractions. Hence the French have lost their poetical language; and Blanco White says the same thing has happened to the Spanish. — Coleridge. Wickliffe's Bible. — This was the first translation made into the language. It was translated by John Wickliffe, about the year 1384, but never printed, though there are manuscript copies of it in several public libraries. Tyndale's Bible. — The translation of William Tyndale, as- sisted by Miles Coverdale, was the first printed Bible in the English language. The New Testament was published in 1526. It was revised and republished in 1530. In 1532, Tyn- dale and his associates finished the whole Bible, except the Apocrypha, and printed it abroad. Matthews' Bible. — While Tyndale was preparing a second edition of the Bible, he was taken up and burned for heresy in Flanders. On his death, Coverdale and John Rogers revised it, and added a translation of the Apocrypha. It was dedicated to Henry VIII., in 1537, and was printed at Hamburg, under the borrowed name of Thomas Matthews, whence it was called Matthews' Bible. Cranmer's Bible. — This was the first Bible printed by author- ity in England, and publicly set up in the churches. It was Tyndale's version, revised by Coverdale, and examined by Cran- mer, who added a preface to it, whence it was called Cranmer's Bible. It was printed by Grafton, in large folio, in 1539. After being adopted, suppressed, and restored under successive reigns, a new edition was brought out in 1562. The Geneva Bible. — In 1557, the whole Bible in quarto was printed at Geneva by Rowland Harte, some of the English refugees continuing in that city solely for that purpose. The THE BIBLE [09 translators were Bishop Coverdalo, Anthony Gilby, William Whittingham, Christopher Woodman, Thomas Sampson, and Thomas Cole — to whom some add John Knox, John Bodleigh, and John Pullain, all zealous Calvinists, both in doctrine and discipline. But the chief and most learned of them were the first three. Of this translation there were about thirty editions, mostly printed by the King's and Queen's printers, from 1560 to 1616. In this version, the first distinction in verses was made. The following is a copy of the title-page of the edition of 1559, omitting two quotations from the Scrip- tures : — THE BIBLE. THAT IS. THE HO- LY SCRIPTURES CONTEI- NED IN THE OLDE AND NEWE TESTAMENT. Translated According to the Ebrew and Greeke, and conferred with the best translations in divers languages. With most profitable Annotations vpon all the hard places, and other things of Great importance. IMPRINTED AT LONDON by the Deputies of Christopher Barker, Printer to the Queenes most excellent Maiestie, 1599. Cum priuilegio. To some editions of the Geneva Bible, one of which is this of 1599, is subjoined Beza's translation of the new text into English by L. Tomson, who was under-secretary to Sir Francis Walsingham. But, though he pretends to translate from Beza, he has seldom varied a word from the Geneva translation. Dr. Geddes gives honorable testimony to the last Geneva version, as he does not hesitate to declare that he thinks it in general better than that of the King James translators. Our readers will hardly agree with him when they read some extracts from it appended in a succeeding paragraph. 10 110 THE BIBLE. The typographical appearance of this work is quite a curi- osity. Like most of the old books, it is well printed, and is ornamented with the pen. The head and foot rules, as well as the division of the columns, are made with the pen in red ink. The title-page is quite profusely ornamented with red lines. This translation of the Bible is known as " the breeches Bible," from the following rendering of Genesis iii. 7 : — Then the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig tree leaves together, and made themselves breeches. A peculiarity in this Bible is the substitution of the letter v for u, and, vice versa, u for v. The name of Eve is printed Heuah (Hevah); Cain is printed Kain; Abel, Habel; Enoch, Henock; Isaac, Ishak; Hebrew, Ebrew, &c. The translations of many of the passages differ materially from our received version. The following will serve as illustrations : — Thus he cast out man ; and at the East side of the garden of Eden ne set the cherubims, and the blade of a sword shaken, to keep the way of the tree of life. — Genesis iii. 24. Then it repented the Lorde that he had made man in the earth, and he was sorie in his heart. — Gen. vi. 6. Make thee an Arkee of pine trees; thou shalt make cabins in the Arkee, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. Thou shalt make it with the lower, second and third roome. — Gen. vi. 14, 16. And he said, Ilagar, Sarais maide, whence comest thou ? & whether wilt thou go ? and she said, I flee from my dame Sarai. — Gen. xvi. 8. When Abram was ninetie years old & nine, the Lord appeared to Abram, and said unto him, I am God all sufficient, walko before me, and be thou up- right. — Gen. xvii. 1. Then Abraham rose vp from the sight of his corps, and talked with the Hittites, saying, I am a stranger and a forreiner among you, &o. — Gen. xxiii. 3, 4. Then Abraham yielded the spirit and died in a good ago, an olde man. and of great yeeres, and was gathered to his people. — Gen. xxv. 8. As many were astonied at thee (his visage was so deformed of men. and Lis forme of the sonnesof men) so shall hee spuncklo many nations. — Isa. Hi. 14. This chapter has but fourteen verses in it THE BIBLE. ] ] J Can the blacke Moore change his skinno ? or the leopard his epoU r— Jcr. xiLL 23. And after those days we trussed up our fardles, and went up to Jeru- salem. — Acts xxi. 15. But Jesus sayde vnto her, Let the children first bee fed ; for it is not good to take the childrens bread, and to cast it unto whelps. Then shco answered, and said unto him, Truthe, Lordo ; yet in dcede the whelps | Kal | zitr iui | pt]fia t£ \ \tiov, — James i. 17. Kal rpaxi | aj dp | Saj noi | rjaare \ toi; ttooXu | vjmv, — Heb. xii. 13. PARALLELISM OP THE HEBREW POETRY. The prominent characteristic of the Hebrew poetry is what Bishop Lowth entitles Parallelism, that is, a certain equality, resemblance, or relationship, between the members of each period ; so that in two lines, or members of the same period, things shall answer to things, and words to words, as if fitted to each other by a kind of rule or measure. The Psalms, Pro- verbs, Solomon's Song, Job, and all the Prophets, except Daniel and Jonah, abound with instances. It is in a great measure owing to this form of composition that our admirable authorized version, though executed in prose, retains so much of a poetical cast; for, being strictly word for word after the original, the form and order of the ori- ginal sentences are preserved; which, by this artificial struc- ture, this regular alternation and correspondence of parts, makes the ear sensible of a departure from the common style and tone of prose. The different kinds of parallels are illustrated in the follow- ing examples : — Parallels Antithetic. — Prov. X. 1, 7. A wise son maketh a glad father ; But a foolish son is the heaviness of his mother. The memory of the just is blessed; But the n*me of the wicked shall rot. Parallels Synthetic. — Prov. vi. 16-19. These six things doth the Lord hate; Yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, And hands that shed innocent blood, A heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, Feet that be swift in running to mischief, A false witness that speaketh lies, And he that soweth discord among brethren. THE BIBLE. J jy Constructive. — Psalm xix. 7-9. The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul ; The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple; The statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes ; The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; The judgments of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether. Parallels Synonymous. — Psalm xx. 1-4. The Lord hear thee in the day of trouble ; The name of the God of Jacob defend thee ; Send thee help from the sanctuary, And strengthen thee out of Zion ; Kemember all thine offerings, And accept thy burnt sacrifice ; Grant thee according to thine own heart, And fulfil all thy counsel. Gradational. — Psalm i. 1. Blessed is the man That walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, Nor standeth in the way of sinners, Nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. Parallels Introverted. — Prov. xxiii. 15, 16. My son, if thy heart be wise, My heart shall rejoice, even mine ; Tea, my reins shall rejoice When thy lips speak right things. It may be objected to Hebrew poetry, says Gilfillan, tbat it has no regular rbytbm except a rude parallelism. What then? Must it be, therefore, altogether destitute of music ? Has not the rain a rhythm of its own, as it patters on the pane, or sinks on the bosom of its kindred pool ? Has not the wind a har- mony, as it bows the groaning woods, or howls over the man- sions of the dead ? Have not the waves of ocean their wild bass ? Has not the thunder its own deep and dreadful organ- pipe ? Do they speak in rhyme ? Do they murmur in blank verse ? Who taught them to begin in Iambics, or to close in Alexandrines ? And shall not God's own speech have a pecu- liar note, no more barbarous than is the voice of the old woods or the older cataracts ? 118 THE BIBLE. Besides, to call parallelism a coarse or uncouth rhythm, be- trays an ignorance of its nature. Without entering at large on the subject of Hebrew versification, we may ask any one who has paid even a slight attention to the subject, if the effect of parallels such as the foregoing examples, perpetually intermingled as they are, be not to enliven the composition, often to give distinctness and precision to the train of thought, to impress the sentiments upon the memory, and to give out a harmony which, if inferior to rhyme in the compression pro- duced by the difficulty (surmounted) of uniting varied sense with recurring sound, and in the pleasure of surprise ; and to blank verse, in freedom, in the effects produced by the va- riety of pause, and in the force of long and linked passages, as well as of insulated lines, is less slavish than the one, and less arbitrary than the other ? Unlike rhyme, its point is more that of thought than of language ; unlike blank verse, it never can, however managed, degenerate into heavy prose. Such is parallelism, which generally forms the differential quality of the poetry of Scripture, although there are many passages in it destitute of this aid, and which yet, in the spirit they breathe, and the metaphors by which they are garnished, are genuine and high poetry. And there can be little question that in the parallelism of the Hebrew tongue we can trace many of the peculiarities of modern writing, and in it find the fountain of the rhythm, the pomp and antithesis, which lend often such grace, and always such energy, to the style of Johnson, of Ju- nius, of Burke, of Hall, of Chalmers, — indeed, of most writers who rise to the grand swells of prose-poetry. SIMILARITY OP SOUND. There is a remarkable similarity of sound in a passage in the Second Book of Kings, ch. iii. v. 4, to the metrical rhythm of Campbell's Battle of the Baltic: — A hundred thousand lambs, And a hundred thousand rams, With the wool. THE BIBLE. J |j By each gun the lighted brand, In a bold determined hand, And the Frince of all the land Led them on. PABALLEL PASSAGES BETWEEN SHAKSPEABE AND TBE BIBLE. An English minister, Rev. T. R. Eaton, has written a work entitled Shakspeare and the Bible, for the purpose of showing how much Shakspeare was indebted to the Bible for many of his illustrations, rhythms, and even modes of feeling. The author affirms that, in storing his mind, the immortal bard went first to the word, and then to the works, of God. In shaping the truths derived from these sources, he obeyed the instinct implanted by Him who had formed him Shakspeare. Hence his power of inspiring us with sublime affection for that which is properly good, and of chilling us with horror by his fearful delineations of evil. Shakspeare perpetually reminds us of the Bible, not by direct quotations, indirect allusion, bor- rowed idioms, or palpable imitation of phrase or style, but by an elevation of thought and simplicity of diction which are not to be found elsewhere. A passage, for instance, rises in our thoughts, unaccompanied by a clear recollection of its origin. Our first impression is that it must belong either to the Bible or Shakspeare. No other author excites the same feeling in an equal degree. In Shakspeare's plays religion is a vital and active principle, sustaining the good, tormenting the wicked, and influencing the hearts and lives of all. Although the writer carries his leading idea too far, by strain- ing passages to multiply the instances in which Shakspeare has imitated scriptural sentences in thought and construction, and by leading his readers to infer that it was from the Bible Shak- speare drew not only his best thoughts, but in fact his whole power of inspiring us with affection for good and horror for evil, it is certainly true that some hundreds of Biblical allu- sions, however brief and simple, show Shakspeare's conversance with the Bible, his fondness for it, and the almost unconscious 120 THE BIBLE. recurrence of it in his mind. The following examples of his parallelisms will be found interesting : — Othello. — Rude am I in my speech. — i. 3. But though I be rude in speech. — 2 Cor. xi. 6. Witches. — Show his eyes and grieve his heart. — Macbeth, iv. 1. Consume thine eyes and grieve thine heart. — 1 Sam. ii. 33. Macbeth. — Lighted fools the way to dusty death. — v. 5. Thou hast brought me into the dust of death. — Ps. xxii. 15. Dusty death alludes to the sentence pronounced against Adam : — Dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. — Gen. iii. 19. Macbeth. — Life's but a walking shadow. — v. 5. Man walketh in a vain show. — Ps. xxxix. 6. Prince of Morocco. — Mislike me not for my complexion, The shadow'd livery of the burnished sun. — Merch. Yen. ii. 1. Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun hath looked upon me. — Sol. Song, i. 6. Othello.— I took by the throat, the circumcised dog, and smote him.— v. 2. I smote him, I caught him by his beard and smote him, and slew him.— 1 Sam. xvii. 35. Macbeth. — Let this pernicious hour stand aye accursed in the calendar. — iv. 1. Opened Job his mouth and cursed his day ; let it not be joined unto the days of the year, let it not come into the number of the months. — Job iii. 1, 6. Hamlet. — What a piece of work is man ! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculties ! In form and moving, how express and admirable ! In ac- tion, how like an angel ! In apprehension, how like a God ! The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals ! — ii. 2. What is man, that thou art mindful of him ? For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honor. Thou madest him to have dominion over the works of thy hands. — Ps. viii. 4, 5, 6. Macbeth. — We will die with harness on our back. — v. 5. Nicanor lay dead in his harness. — 2 Maccabees xv. 28. Banquo. — Woe to the land that's governed by a child. Woe to thee, land, when thy king is a child. — Eccles. x. 16. Banquo. — In the great hand of God I stand. — Macbeth ii. 3. Thy right hand hath holden me up. — Ps. xviii. 35. Man the image of his Maker. — Henry VIII., iii. 2. — Gen. I. 27. Blessed are the peacemakers. — 2 Henry VI., ii. 1. — Matt. V. 29. THE BIBLE. 121 And when he falls ho falls like Lucifer. — Henry VIII. , iii. 2. How art thou fallen from heaven, Lucifer, son of the morning ! Isaiah sir. 12. No, Bolingbroke, if ever I were traitor, My namo be blotted from tho book of lifo. — Richard II., i. 3. Whose names were not written in the book of lifo. — Rev. xx., xxi. Swear by thy gracious self. — Romeo and Juliet, ii. 2. He could swear by no greater, he swaro by himself. — Heb. vi. 13. My stay, my guide, and lantern to my feet. — 2 Henry VI, ii. 3. Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. — Ps. cxix. 105. Who can call him his friend that dips in tho same dish? — Timon of Athens, iii. 2. He that dippeth his hand with me iu the dish, tho same shall betray me. — Matt. xxvi. 23. You shall see him a palm in Athens again, and flourish with the highest. — Timon of Athens, v. 1. The righteous shall flourish like the palm-tree. — Ps. xcii. 12. It is written, they appear to men like angels of light. — Com. of Errors, iv. 3 Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light. — 2 Cor. xi. 14. And lose my way Among the thorns and dangers of this world. — King John, iv. 3. Thorns and snares are in the way of tho froward. — Prov. xxii. 5. When we first put this dangerous stone a rolling, 'Twould fall upon ourselves. — Henry VIII., v. 2. lie that rolleth a stone, it will return upon him. — Prov. xxvi. 27. The speech of Ulysses, in " Troilus and Cressida," i. 3, ia almost a paraphrase of St. Luke xxi. 25, 2G : — But when the planets In evil mixture to disorder wander, What plagues, and what portents ! What mutiny ! What raging of the sea ! Shaking of earth ! Commotion in the winds ! frights, changes, horrors, Divert and crack, rend and deracinate The unity and married calm of states Quite from their fixture. And thero shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity ; the sea and the waves roaring; men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth; for tho powers of heaven shall be shaken. 11 122 THE BIBLE. Hermia and Lear both use an expression derived from the same source : — Hermia. — An adder did it; for with doubler tongue Than thine, thou serpent, never adder stung. — Mid. N. Dream, iii. 2. Lear. — Struck me with her tongue, Most serpent-like, upon the very heart. — ii. 4. They have sharpened their tongues like a serpent; adders' poison is under their lips. — Ps. cxl. 3. Lear. — All the stored vengeances of heaven fall on her ingrateful top. — ii. 4. As for the head of those that compass mo about, let the mischief of their own lips cover them. — Ps. cxl. 9. Fool to King Lear. — We'll set thee to school to an ant, to teach thee there's no laboring in the winter. — ii. 4. The ants are a people not strong, yet they prepare their meat in the sum- mer. — Prov. xxx. 25. See also Prov. vi. 6. WHO IS THE TRUE GENTLEMAN? The answer to this question will afford one of numberless Instances that can be adduced to show the superiority of in- spired composition. Compare Bishop Doane's admired defini- tion with that of the Psalmist: — A gentleman is but a gentle man — no more, no less ; a diamond polished that was a diamond in the rough: a gentleman is gentle; a gentleman is modest; a gentleman is courteous; a gentleman is generous; a gentleman is slow to take offence, as being one that never gives it ; a gentleman is slow to surmise evil, as being one that never thinks it; a gentleman goes armed only in consciousness of right; a gentleman subjects his appetites; a gentle- man refines his tastes;, a gentleman subdues his feelings; a gentleman con- trols his speech; and finally, a gentleman deems every other better than himself. In the paraphrase of Psalm xv. it is thus answered : — 'Tis he whose every thought and deed By rules of virtue moves; Whose generous tongue disdains to speak The thing his heart disproves. Who never did a slander forge, His neighbor's fame to wound, Nor hearken to a false report, By malice whispered round. Who vice, in all its pomp and power, Can treat with just neglect, TIIE BIBLE. 123 And piety, though clothed in rags, Religiously respect. Who to his plighted vows and trust Has ever firmly stood ; And though he promise to his loss, He makes his promise good. Whose soul in usury disdains His treasure to employ ; Whom no rewards can ever bribe The guiltless to destroy. MISQUOTATIONS FROM SCRIPTURE. "God tempers the wind to the shorn lamb."* From Sterne's Sentimental Journey to Italy. Compare Isaiah xxvii. 8. "In the midst of lifo we are in death." From the Burial Service; and this, originally, from a hymn of Luther. "Bread and wine which the Lord hath commanded to be received." From the English Catechism. "Not to be wise above what is written." Not in Scripture. "That the Spirit would go from heart to heart as oil from vessel to vessel." Not in Scripture. "The merciful man is merciful to his beast." The scriptural form is, "A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast." — Prov. xii. 10. "A nation shall be born in a day." In Isaiah it reads, " Shall a nation be born at once?" — lxvi. 8. "As iron sharpeneth iron, so doth a man the countenance of his friend." " Iron sharpeneth iron ; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend." Prov. xxvii. 17. "That he who runs may read." "That he may run that readeth." — Hab. ii.2. "Owe no man any thing but love." "Owe no man any thing, but to love one another." — Rom. xiii. 8. "Prone to sin as the sparks fly upward." "Born unto trouble, as the sparks fly upward." — Job v. 7. "Exalted to heaven in point of privilege." Not in the Bible. Eve was not Adam's helpmate, but merely a help meet for him ; nor was Absalom's long hair, of which he was so proud, the instrument of his destruc- tion ;f his head, and not the hair upon it, having been caught in the boughs of the tree. (2 Samuel xviii. 9.) * In a collection of proverbs published in 1594, we find, " Bien meaure le vent & la brebia tondne," and Herbert has in his Jacula Prudentum, "To a close shorn sheep God gives wind by measure." f A London periwig-maker once had a sign upon which was painted Absa- lom suspended from the branches of the oak by his hair, and underneath the following couplet : — If Absalom hadn't worn his own hair, He'd ne'er been found a hanging there. 124 THE BIBLE. "Money is the root of evil." Paul said, I. Timothy, vi. 10, "Tho love of money is tho root of all evil." " In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread," Gen. iii. 19. Commonly quoted "brow." " Cleanliness akin to godliness." Not in the Bible. Our Lord's hearing the doctors in the Temple, and asking them questions, is frequently called his disputing with the doctors. A SCRIPTURAL BULL. In the book of Isaiah, chapter xxxvii. verse 36, is the follow- ing confusion of ideas: — Then the angel of the Lord went forth, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians a hundred and fourscore and five thousand : and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses. WIT AND HUMOR IN THE BIBLE. " Shocking ! " many a good old saint will cry, at the very thought of it. " The Bible a jest-book! What godless folly shall we have up next?" No, the Bible is not a jest-book. But there is wit in it of the first quality; and a good reason why it should be there. Take a few specimens. Job, in his thirtieth chapter, is telling how he scorned the low-lived fellows, who pretend to look down on him in his adversities. They are fools. They belong to the long-eared fraternity. Anybody, with less wit, might come out bluntly and call them asses. But Job puts it more deftly (xxx. 7) : " Among the bushes they brayed; under the nettles they were gathered together." If that is not wit, there is no such thing as wit. And yet the commentators don't see it ; or won't see it. They are perfectly wooden when they come to any such gleam of humor. Take another instance — Elijah's ridicule of the prophets of Baal. They are clamoring to their god, to help them out of a very awkward predicament. And, while they are at it, the prophet shows them up in a way that must have made the THE BIBLE. 125 people roar with laughter. The stiff, antiquated style of our English Bible tames down his sallies. Take them in modern phrase. These quack prophets have worked themselves into a perfect desperation, and are capering about on the altar as if they had the St. Vitus's dance. The scene (I. Kings xviii. 26, 27) wakes up all Elijah's sense of the ridiculous. "Shout louder! He is a god, you know. Make him hear! Perhaps he is chatting with somebody, or he is off on a hunt, or gone traveling. Or maybe he is taking a nap. Shout away! Wake him up!" Imagine the priests going through their antics on the altar, while Elijah bombards them in this style, at his \eisure. Paul shows a dry humor more than once, as in II. Cor. xii. 13: "Why haven't you fared as well as the other churches? Ah! there is one grievance — that you haven't had me to sup- port. Pray do not lay it up against me!" These instances might be multiplied from the Old and New Testaments both. What do they show? That the Bible is, on the whole, a humorous book ? Far from it. That religion is a humorous subject — that we are to throw all the wit we can into the treatment of it? No. But they show that the sense of the ludicrous is put into a man by his Maker ; that it has its uses, and that we are not to be ashamed of it, or to roll up our eyes in a holy horror of it. THE OLD AND THE NEW TESTAMENT. The name Old Testament was applied to the books of Moses by St. Paul (II. Cor. iii. 14), inasmuch as the former covenant comprised the whole scheme of the Mosaic revelation, and the history of this is contained in them. The phrase " book of the covenant," taken from Exod. xxiv. 7, was transferred in the course of time by metonymy to signify the writings them- selves. The term New Testament has been in common use since the third century, and was employed by Eusebius in the sense in which it is now applied. 11* 126 THE BIBLE. A SCRIPTURAL SUM. Add to your faith, virtue ; And to virtue, knowledge ; And to knowledge, temperance: And to temperance, patience; And to patience, godliness; And to godliness, brotherly kindness ; And to brotherly kindness, charity. The Answer : — For if these things be in you and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.— 2 Peter i. 5, 8. BIBLIOMANCY. Bibliomancy, or divination by the Bible, had become so com mon in the fifth century, that several councils were obliged ex- pressly to forbid it, as injurious to religion, and savoring of idolatry. This kind of divination was named Sgrtes Sanctorum, or Sor- tes Sacrse, Lots of the Saints,, or Sacred Lots, and consisted in suddenly opening, or dipping into, the Bible, and regarding the passage that first presented itself to the eye as predicting the future lot of the inquirer. The Sortes Sanctorum had suc- ceeded the Sortes Homericx and Sortes Virgilianse of the Pagans; among whom it was customary to take the work of some famous poet, as Homer or Virgil, and write out different verses on separate scrolls, and afterwards draw one of them, or else, open- ing the book suddenly, consider the first verse that presented itself as a prognostication of future events. Even the vagrant fortune-tellers, like some of the gypsies of our own times, adopted this method of imposing upon the credulity of the ignorant. The nations of the East retain the practice to the present day. The famous usurper, Nadir Shah, twice decided upon besieging cities, by opening at random upon verses of the celebrated poet Hafiz. This abuse, which was first introduced into the church about the third century, by the superstition of the people, afterwards gained ground through the ignorance of some of the clergy, who permitted prayers to be read in the churches for this very pur- THE NAME OP GOD. 127 pose. It was therefore found necessary to ordain in the Coun- oil of Vannes, held a.d. 465, "That whoever of the clergy or laity should be detected in the practice of this art should be cast out of the communion of the church." In 506, the Council of Agde renewed the decree; and in 578, the Council of Auxerre, amongst other kinds of divination, forbade the Lots of the Saints, as they were called, adding, "Let all things be done in the name of the Lord;" but these ordinances did not effectually suppress them, for we find them again noticed and condemned in a capitulary or edict of Charlemagne, in 793. Indeed, all endeavors to banish them from the Christian church appear to have been in vain for ages. ftlje Name of (Bon. Tell them I AM, Jehovah said To Moses, while earth heard in dread; And, smitten to the heart, At once, above, beneath, around, All nature, without voice or sound, Replied, Lord ! THOU ART ! Christopher Smart, an English Lunatic. It is singular that the name of God should be spelled with four letters in almost every known language. It is in Latin, Deus ; Greek, Zeus ; Hebrew, Adon ; Syrian, Adad ; Arabian, Alia ; Persian, Syra ; Tartarian, Idga ; Egyptian, Aumn, or Zeut; East Indian, Esgi, or Zenl ; Japanese, Zain; Turkish, Addi; Scandinavian, Odin; Wallachian, Zenc ; Croatian, Doga; Dalmatian, Rogt; Tyrrhenian, Eher ; Etrurian, Chur; Margarian, Oese; Swedish, Codd; Irish, Dich; German, Gott; French, Dieu ; Spanish, Dios; Peruvian, Lian. The name God in the Anglo-Saxon language means good, and this signification affords singular testimony of the Angio- Saxon conception of the essence of the Divine Being. He is 128 THE NAME OF GOD. goodness itself, and the Author of all goodness. Yet the idea of denoting the Deity by a term equivalent to abstract and ab- solute perfection, striking as it may appear, is perhaps less re- markable than the fact that the word Man, used to designate a human being, formerly signified wickedness; showing how well aware were its originators that our fallen nature had become indentified with sin. JEHOVAH. The word Elohim, as an appellation of Deity, appears to have been in use before the Hebrews had attained a national ex- istence. That Jehovah is specifically the God of the Hebrews is clear, from the fact that the heathen deities never receive this name ; they are always spoken of as Elohim. Both the pronun- ciation and the etymological derivation of the word Jehovah are matters of critical controversy. The Jews of later periods from religious awe abstained from pronouncing it, and whenever it occurred in reading, substituted the word Adonai (my Lord) ; and it is now generally believed that the sublinear vowel signs attached to the Hebrew tetragrammaton Jhvh belong to the substituted word. Many believe Jahveh to be the original pro- nunciation. The Hebrew root of the word is believed to be the verb havah or hayah, to be ; hence its meaning through- out the Scriptures, "the Being," or "the Everlasting." GOD IN SHAKSPEARE. Michelet {Jeanne dArc,) speaking of English literature, says that it is " Sceptique, judaique, satanique. " In a note he says, "I do not recollect to have seen the word God in Shakspeare. If it is there at all, it is there very rarely, by chance, and with- out a shadow of religious sentiment." Mrs. Cowden Clarke, by means of her admirable Concordance to Shakspeare, enables us to weigh the truth of this eminent French writer's remark. The word God occurs in Shakspeare upwards of one thousand s, and the word heaven, which is so frequently substituted for the word God — more especially in the historical plays — occurs about eight hundred times. In the Holy Scriptures, according THE NAME OP GOD. 129 to Cruden, it occurs about eight hundred times. It is true that the word often occurs in Shakspeare without a reverential senti- ment; but M. Michelet says it never occurs with a religious feeling (un sentiment religienx.) This statement is almost as erroneous as that regarding the absence of the word. It would be easy for an English scholar to produce from Shakspeare more passages indicative of deep religious feeling than are to be found in any French writer whatever. THE PARSEE, JEW, AND CHRISTIAN. A Jew entered a Parsee temple, and beheld the sacred fire. "What!" said he to the priest, "do you worship the fire ?" "Not the fire," answered the priest : "it is to us an emblem of the sun, and of his genial heat." " Do you then worship the sun as your god ?" asked the Jew. " Know ye not that this luminary also is but a work of that Almighty Creator?" "We know it," replied the priest: "but the uncultivated man requires a sensible sign, in order to form a conception of the Most High. And is not the sun the incomprehensible source of light, an image of that invisible being who blesses and preserves all things ?" "Do your people, then," rejoined the Israelite, "distinguish the type from the original ? They call the sun their god, and, descending even from this to a baser object, they kneel before an earthly flame ! Ye amuse the outward but blind the inward eye ; and while ye hold to them the earthly, ye draw from them the heavenly light ! ' Thou shalt not make unto thyself any image or any likeness.'" "How do you name the Supreme Being?" asked the Parsee. " We call him Jehovah Adonai, that is, the Lord who is, who was, and who will be," answered the Jew. " Your appellation is grand and sublime," said the Parsee; "but it is awful too." A Christian then drew nigh, and said, — "We call him Father. " I 130 I. H. S. The Pagan and the Jew looked at each other, and said, — " Here is at once an image and a reality : it is a word of the heart." Therefore they all raised their eyes to heaven, and said, with reverence and love, " Our Father I" and they took each by the hand, and all three called one another brothers! WM DE NOMINE JESU. I n rebus tantis trina conjunctio mund I E rigit humarium sensum, laudare venust E S ola salus nobis, et mnndi summa, potesta S V enit peccati noduni dissolvere fruct V S umina salus cunctas nituit per secula terra S.* The letters I. H. S. so conspicuously appended to different, portions of Catholic churches, are said to have been designed by St. Bernardine of Sienna, to denote the name and mission of the Saviour. They are to be found in a circle above the principal door of the Franciscan Church of the Holy Cross, (Santa Croce,) in Florence, and are said to have been put there by the saint on the termination of the plague of 13-47, after which they were commonly introduced into churches. The letters have assigned to them the following signification : — Jesus hominum Salvator — Jesus, the Saviour of men. In hoc salus — In him is salvation. * I n times momentous appeared the world's triple conjunction, E ncouraging human hearts to shout melodious praises. S ole salvation for us, that power exalted 'bove measure, U nloosed the bonds of sin through the precious atonement. S alvation illumines all earth through ages unceasing. I. h. s. L3l A maker of playing-cards, which, like missels, were illumi- nated in those times, was one day remonstrated with by St. Ber- nardine, upon the sinfulness of his business. The card-maker pleaded the needs of his family. "Well, I will help you," said the saint, and wrote the letters I. H. S., which he advised the card-maker to paint and gild. The new card "took," and the saint himself travelled about the country as a poster of theso little sacred handbills of the Church. THE FLOWER OF JESSE. 1520. There is a flowor sprung of a tree, The root of it is called Jesse, A flower of price, — There is none such in Paradise. Of Lily white and Rose of Ryso, Of Primrose and of Plower-do-Lyse, Of all flowers in my devyce, The flower of Jesse beareth the prize, For most of all To help our souls both great and small. I praise the flower of good Jesse, Of all the flowers that over shall bo, Uphold the flower of good Jesse, And worship it for a.ve bcauteej For best of all That ever was or ever bo shall. BEAUTIFUL LEGEND. One day Rabbi Judah and his brethren, the seven pillars of Wisdom, sat in the Court of the Temple, on feast-day, disputing about rest. One said that it was to have attained sufficient wealth, yet without sin. The second, that it was fame and praise of all men. The third, that it was the possession of power to rule the State. The fourth, that it consisted only in a happy home. The fifth, that it must be in the old age of one who is rich, powerful, famous, surrounded by children and children's children. The sixth said that all that were vain, unless a man keep all the ritual law of Moses. Aud Rabb« 132 i. n. s. Judah, the venerable, the tallest of the brothers, said, " Ye have spoken wisely ; but one thing more is necessary. He only can find rest, who to all things addeth this, that he keepeth the tradition of the elders." There sat in the Court a fair-haired boy, playing with some lilies in his lap, and, hearing the talk, he dropped them with asto- nishment from his hands, and looked up — that boy of twelve— and said, "Nay, nay, fathers : he only findcth rest, who loveth his brother as himself, and God with his whole heart and soul. He is greater than fame, and wealth, and power, happier than a happy home, happy without it, better than honored age ; he is a law to himself, and above all tradition." The doctors were astonished. They said, "When Christ cometh, shall He tell us greater things ?" And they thanked God, for they said, " The old men are not always wise, yet God be praised, that out of the mouth of this young suckling has His praise be- come perfect." PERSIAN APOLOGUE. In Sir William Jones's Persian Grammar may bo found the following beautiful story from Nisami. Mr. Alger gives a me- trical translation in his Poetry of the East. One evening Jesus arrived at the gates of a certain city, and sent his disciples forward to prepare supper, while he himself, intent on doing good, walked through the streets into the mar- ket-place. And he saw at the corner of the market some people gathered together, looking at an object on the ground; and he drew near to see what it might be. It was a dead dog, with a halter around his neck, by which he appeared to have been dragged through the dirt; and a viler, a nore abject, a more unclean thing never met the eyes of man. And those who stood by looked on with abhorrence. " Faugh !" said one, stopping his nose: "it pollutes the air." " How long," said another, " shall this foul beast offend our sight?" "Look at his torn hide," said a third: "one could I. EL S. not even cut a shoe out of it." " And bis ears,'' said a fourth, " all draggled and bleeding." " No doubt," said a lift b, "be has been hanged for thieving." And Jesus heard them, and looking down compassionately on the dead creature, he said, " Pearls are not equal to the whiteness of his teeth !" Then the people turned towards him with amazement, and said among themselves, "Who is this? It must be Jesus of Nazareth, for only ue could find something to pity and approve even in a dead dog." And being ashamed, they bowed their heads before him and went each on his way. DESCRIPTION OF TIIE PERSON OF JESUS CHRIST. The following description is alleged to be derived from an ancient manuscript sent by Publius Lentulus, President of Judea, to the Senate of Rome : — "There lives at this time in Judea, a man of singular cha- racter, whose name is Jesus Christ. The barbarians esteem him as their prophet; but his followers adore him as the immediate offspring of the immortal God. He is endowed with such un- paralleled virtue as to call back the dead from their graves and to heal every kind of disease with a word or a touch. His person is tall and elegantly shaped ; his aspect, amiable and reverend; his hair flows in those beauteous shades which no united colors can match, falling in graceful curls below his ears, agreeably couching on his shoulders, and parting on the crown of his head; his dress, that of the sect of Nazarites; his forehead is smooth and large; his cheeks without blemish, and of roseate hue; his nose and mouth are formed with ex- quisite symmetry ; his beard is thick and suitable to the hair of his head, reaching a little below his chin, and partirjg in the middle below ; his eyes are clear, bright, and serene. " He rebukes with mildness, and invokes with the most ten- der and persuasive language, — his whole address, whether in word or deed, being elegantly grave, and strictly characteristic of so exalted a being. No man has seen him laugh, but the 12 i34 i. n. s. whole world beholds hiin weep frequently, and so persuasive are his tears that the whole multitude cannot withhold their tears from joining in sympathy with him. He is moderate, temperate, and wise : in short, whatever the phenomenon may turn out in the end, he seems at present to be a man of excel- lent beauty and divine perfection, every way surpassing man." DEATH-WARRANT OP JESUS CHRIST. Of the many interesting relics and fragments brought to light by the persevering researches of antiquarians, none could be more interesting to the philanthropist and believer than the fol- lowing, — to Christians, the most imposing judicial document ever recorded in human annals. It has been thus faithfully transcribed : — Sentence rendered by Pontius Pilate, acting Governor of Lower Galilee, stating that Jesus of Nazareth shall suffer death on the cross. In the year seventeen of the Emperor Tiberius Caesar, and the 27th day of March, the city of the holy Jerusalem — Annas and Caiaphas being priests, sacrificators of the people of God — ■ Pontius Pilate, Governor of Lower Galilee, sitting in the presi- dential chair of the praetory, condemns Jesus of Nazareth to die on the cross between two thieves, the great and notorious evidence of the people saying : 1. Jesus is a seducer. 2. He is seditious. 8. He is the enemy of the law. 4. He calls himself falsely the Son of God. 5. He calls himself falsely the King of Israel. 6. He entered into the temple followed by a multitude bear- ing palm branches in their hands. Orders the first centurion, Quilius Cornelius, to lead him to the place of execution. Forbids any person whomsoever, either poor or rich, to op- pose the death of Jesus Christ. The witnesses who signed the condemnation of Jesus are — 1. Daniel Eobani, a Pharisee. 2. Joannus Robani. i. u.s. t35 3. Raphael Robani. 4. Capet, a citizen. Jesus shall go out of the city of Jerusalem by the gate of Strueuus. The foregoing is engraved on a copper plate, on the rev< of which is written, "A similar plate is sent to each tribe." It was found in an antique marble vase, while excavating in the ancient city of Aquilla, in the kingdom of Naples, in the year 1810, and was discovered by the Commissioners of Arts of the French army. At the expedition of Naples, it was en- closed in a box of ebony and preserved in the sacristy of the Carthusians. The French translation was made by the Commis- sioners of Arts. The original is in the Hebrew language. DOUBLE HEXAMETER. Si Christum { J? 8 ™ } nihil est si csetera { jjjj™; ANTICIPATORY USE OF THE CROSS. Madame Calderon de la Barca, in her Life in Mexico (ptib. 18^3), says that the symbol of the Cross was known to the Indians before the arrival of Cortez. In the island of Cozumel, near Yucatan, there were several ; and in Yucatan * itself there was a stone cross. And there an Indian, considered a prophet among his countrymen, had declared that a nation bearing the same as a symbol should arrive from a distant country. More extraordinary still was a temple dedicated to the Holy Cross by the Toltec nation in the city of Cholula. Near Tulansingo there is also a cross engraved on a rock with various characters. In Oajaca there was a cross which the Indians from time immemo- rial had been accustomed to consider as a divine symbol. By order of Bishop Cervantes it was placed in a chapel in the cathedral. Information concerning its discovery, together with a small cup, cut out of its wood, was sent to Rome to Paul \ ., who received it on his knees, singing the hymn Vexilla regis, etc. See also Prescott's Conquest of Mexico, Vol. I. Bk. II. Chap. 4; and Stephens' Incidents of Travel in Yucatan, Vol. II. Chap. 20. 136 the lord's prayer. ftije Horn's draper. The Lord's Prayer alow- is an evidence of the truth of Christianity, — so ad- mirably is that prayer accommodated to all our wants. — LORD WELLINGTON. THY AND US. The two divisions of the Lord's Prayer — the former relating to the glory of God, the latter to the wants of man — appear very evident on a slight transposition of the personal pronouns: — Thy name be hallowed. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, &c. Us give this day our daily bread. Us forgive our debts, &e. Us lead not into temptation. Us deliver from evil. SPIRIT OF THE LORD'S PRAYER. The spirit of the Lord's Prayer is beautiful. This form of petition breathes: — A filial spirit— Father. A catholic spirit— Our Father. A reverential spirit — Hallowed be Thy name. A missionary spirit — Thy kingdom come. An obedient spirit — Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. A dependent spirit — Give us this day our daily bread. A forgiving spirit — And forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors. A cautious spirit — And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. A confidential and adoring spirit — For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever. Amen. GOTHIC VERSION. TTlphilas, who lived between the years 310 and 388, was bishop of the Western Goths, and translated the greater part of the Scriptures into the Gothic language. The following is his rendering of the Lord's Prayer: — the lord's trayer [37 Atta unsar thu ia himinam. Weihnai naiao thcin. Quimai thiudim sijaima, swaswe jah weis afletam thaim skulam unsaraim. Jah n uns in fraistubujai. Ak lausei uns af thamma ubilin, ante theina i>t thiu- dangardi, jah maths, jah wulthus in aiwins. Am* a. METRICAL VERSIONS. Father in heaven, hallowed he thy name ; Thy kingdom come: thy will be done the same In earth and heaven. Give us daily bread ; Forgive our sins as others we forgive. Into temptation let us not be led ; Deliver us from evil while we live. For kingdom, power, and glory must remain For ever and for ever thine : Amen. Here the sixty-six words of the original, according to the authorized translation of St. Matthew's version, are reduced to fifty-nine, though the latter is fully implied in all points except two. "This day" is omitted; but, if anything, the Greek is slightly approached, for iniovaiov refers rather to iu-morrow than to to-day. The antithesis in "But deliver us" does not appear: if the word deliver be sacrificed, we may read, "But keep us safe." The subjoined metrical version of the Prayer is at least two and a half centuries old, and was written for adaptation to music in public worship : — Our Father which in heaven art, All hallowed be thy name; Thy kingdom come, On earth thy will be done, Even as the same in heaven is. ^ Give us, Lord, our daily 'bread this day: As we forgive our debtors, So forgive our debts, we pray. Into temptation lead us not, From evil make us free : The kingdom, power, and glory thine, Both now and ever be. The Prayer is commended for its authorship, its efficacy, its perfection, the order of its parts, its brevity, and its necessity, 12* 138 the lord's prayer. The following paraphrase, which has heen set to music as a duett, is of more recent origin : — Our Heavenly Father, hear our prayer : Thy name be hallowed everywhere; Thy kingdom come; on earth, thy will, E'en as in heaven, let all fulfill ; Give this day's bread, that we may live; Forgive our sins as we forgive ; Holp us temptation to withstand ; From evil shield us by Thy hand; Now and forever, unto Thee, The kingdom, power, and glory be. Amen. THE PRAYER ILLUSTRATED. Our Father. — Isaiah lxiii. 16. 1. By right of creation. Malachi ii. 10. 2. By bountiful provision. Psalm cxlv. 16. 3. By gracious adoption. Ephesians i. 5. Who art in Heaven. — 1 Kings viii. 43. 1. The throne of thy glory. Isaiah Ixvi. 1. 2. The portion of thy children 1 Peter i. 4. 3. The temple of thy angels. Isaiah vi. 1. Hallowed be thy Name. — Psalm cxv. 1. 1. By the thoughts of our hearts. Psalm lxxxvi. 11. 2. By the words of our lips. Psalm li. 15. 3. By the works of our hands. 1 Corinthians x. 31. Thy Kingdom come. — Psalm ex. 2. 1. Of Providence to defend us. Psalm xvii. 8. 2. Of grace to refine us. 1 Thessalonians v. 23. 3. Of glory to crown us. Colossians iii. 4. Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. — Acts xxxi. 14. 1. Towards us, without resistance. 1 Samuel iii. 18. 2. By us, without compulsion. Psalm cxix. 36. 3. Universally, without exception. Luke L 6. 4. Eternally, without declension. Psalm cxix. 93. Give us thin day our daily bread. 1. Of necessity, for our bodies. Proverbs xxx. 8. 2. Of eternal life, for our souls. John vi. 34. And forgive us our trespasses. — Psalm xxv. 11. 1. Against the commands of thy law. 1 John iii. 4. 2. Against the grace of thy gospel. 1 Timothy L 13. tiie lord's PRAYER. ],;!) As we forgive them that trespass against us. — Matthew vi. 15. 1. By defaming our characters. Matthew v. 11. 2. By embezzling our property. Philemon IS. 3. By abusing our persons. Acts vii. 60. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. — Matthew xxvi. -II. 1. Of overwhelming afflictions. Psalm exxx. 1. 2. Of worldly enticements. 1 John ii. 16. 3. Of Satan's devices. 1 Timothy iii. 7. 4. Of error's seduction. 1 Timothy vi. 10. 5. Of sinful affections. Romans i. 26. for thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever. — Jude 25. 1. Thy kingdom governs all. Psalm ciii. 19. 2. Thy power subdues all. Philippians iii. 20, 21. 3. Thy glory is above all. Psalm cxlviii. 13. Amen. — Ephesians i. 11. 1. As it is in thy purposes. Isaiah xiv. 27. 2. So is it in thy promises. 2 Corinthians i. 20. 3. So be it in our prayers. Reveiation xxii. 20. 1. So shall it be to thy praise. Revelation xix. 4. ACROSTICAL PARAPHRASE. Our Lord and King, Who rcign'st enthroned on high, Father of Light ! mysterious Deity ! Who art the great I AM, the last, the first, Art righteous, holy, merciful, and just. In realms of glory, scenes where angels sing, Heaven is the dwelling-place of God our King. Hallowed Thy name, which doth all names transcend, Be Thou adored, our great Almighty Friend; Thy glory shines beyond creation's bound ; Name us 'mong those Thy choicest gifts surround. Thy kingdom towers beyond Thy starry skies ; Kingdom Satanic falls, but Thine shall rise. Come let Thine empire, Thou Holy One, Thy great and everlasting will bo done. Will God make known his will, his power display? Be it the work of mortals to obey. Done is the great, the wondrous work of love; On Calvary's cross he died, but reigns above ; Earth bears the record in Thy holy word. As heaven adores Thy love, let earth, O Lord ; It shines transcendent in the eternal skies, Ts praised in heaven — for man, the Saviour dies. 140 THE LORD'S TRAYER. In songs immortal, angels laud his name; Heaven shouts with joy, and saints his love proclaim Give us, Lord, our food, nor cease to give Us needful food on which our souls may live ! This be our boon to-day and days to come, Day without end in our eternal home. Our needy souls supply from day to day; Daily assist and aid us when we pray ; Bread though we ask, yet, Lord, Thy blessings lend. And make us grateful when Thy gifts descend. Forgive our sins, which in destruction place Us, the vile rebels of a rebel race ; Our follies, faults, and trespasses forgive, ' Debts which we ne'er can pay, nor Thou receive. As we, Lord, our neighbor's faults o'erlook, We beg Thou 'd'st blot ours from Thy memory's book. Forgive our enemies, extend Thy grace Our souls to save, e'en Adam's guilty race. Debtors to Thee in gratitude and love, And in that duty paid by saints above, Lead us from sin, and in thy mercy raise Us from the tempter and his hellish ways. Not in our own, but in His name who bled, Into Thine ear we pour our every need. Temptation's fatal charm help us to shun, But may we conquer through Thy conquering Son ; Deliver us from all that can annoy Us in this world, and may our souls destroy. From all calamities that man betide, Evil and death, turn our feet aside, — For we are mortal worms, and cleave to clay,— Thine 'tis to rule, and mortals to obey. Is not thy mercy, Lord, forever free? The whole creation knows no God but Thee. Kingdom and empire in Thy presence fall; The King eternal reigns the King of all. Power is Thine — to Thee be glory given, And be thy name adored by earth and heaven. The praise of saints and angels is Thy own ; Glory to Thee, the Everlasting One. Forever be Thy holy name adored. AMEN ! Hosannah ! blessed be the Lord tripling op bible commentators. Dr. Gill, in his Expository, seriously tells us that the word ABBA reaa backwards or forwards being the same, may teach us that God is the father of his people in adversity as well as in prosperity. THE LORD'S PRAYER. 141 THE PRAYER ECHOED. If any bo distressed, and fain would gather Some comfort, let him haste unto Our Father. For we of hope and help are quite boreaven Except Thou succor us Who art in heaven. Thou showest mercy, therefore for the same We praise Thee, singing, Hallowed be Thy name. Of all our miseries cast up the sum ; Show us thy joys, and let Thy kingdom come. We mortal are, and alter from our birth; Thou constant art; Thy will be done on earth. Thou madest the earth, as well as planots seven, Thy name be blessed here As 'tis in heaven. Nothing we have to use, or debts to pay, Excejjt Thou give it us. Give us this day Wherewith to clothe us, wherewith to bo fed, For without Thee we want Our daily bread. Wo want, but want no faults, for no day passes But we do sin . Forgive us our trespasses. No man from sinning ever free did live Forgive us, Lord, our sins, As we forgive. If we repent our faults, Thou ne'er disdain'st ua J We pardon them That trespass against us ; Forgive us that is past, a new path tread us ; Direct us always in Thy faith, And lead us — Us, Thine own people and Thy chosen nation, Into all truth, but Not into temptation. Thou that of all good graces art the Giver, Suffer us not to wander, But deliver Us from the fierce assaults of world and devil And flesh ; so shalt Thou free us From all evil. To these petitions let both church and laymen With one consent of heart and voice, say, Amen. 142 THE lord's prayer. THE PRAYER IN AN ACROSTIC. In the following curious composition the initial capitals spell, " My boast is in the glorious Cross of Christ." The words in italics, when read from top to bottom and bottom to top, form the Lord's Prayer complete : — Make known the Gospel truths, Our Father King; Yield up thy grace, dear Father from above; Bless us with hearts which feelingly can sing, " Our life thou art for ever, God of Love!" Assuage our grief in love for Christ, we pray, Since the bright prince of Heaven and glory died, Took all our sins and hallowed the display, Infinite 6e-ing — first man, and then the crucified. Stupendous God ! thy grace and power make known ; In Jesus' name let all the world rejoice. Now all the world thy heavenly kingdom own, The blessed kingdom for thy saints the choice. How vile to come to thee is all our cry, Enemies to thy self and all that's thine, Graceless our will, we live for vanity, Lending to sin our be-ing, evil in our design. God, thy will be done from earth to Heaven; Reclining on the Gospel let its live, In earth from sin deliver-ed and forgiven, Oh ! as thyself but teach us to forgive. Unless it's power temptation doth destroy, Sure is our fall into the depths of woe, Carnal in mind, we've not a glimpse of joy Raised against Heaven; in us no hope can flow. give us grace and lead us on thy way ; Shine on us with thy love and give us peace ; Self and this sin that rise against us slay; Oh ! grant each day our trespass-es may cease. Forgive our evil deeds that oft we do; Convince us daily of them to our shame ; Help us with heavenly bread, forgive us, too, Recurrent lusts, and we'll adore thy name. In thy/bn^f've-ness we as saints can die, Since for us and our trespasses so high, Thy son, our Saviour, bled on Calvary. ECCLESIASTICS. 143 iScclestasticce. EXCESSIVE CIVILITY. Tom Brown, in his Laconics, says that in the reign of Charles II. a certain worthy divine at Whitehall thus ad- dressed himself to the auditory at the conclusion of his sermon : " In short, if you don't live up to the precepts of the gospel, but abandon yourselves to your irregular appetites, you must expect to receive your reward in a certain place, which 'tis not good manners to mention here." This suggested to Pope the couplet, " To rest, the cushion and soft dean invite, Who never mentions hell to ears polite." SHORT SERMONS. Dean Swift, having been solicited to preach a charity ser- mon, mounted the pulpit, and after announcing his text, " He that giveth to the poor lendeth to the Lord," simply said, "Now, my brethren, if you are satisfied with the security, down with the dust." He then took his seat, and there was an unusually large collection. The following abridgment contains the pith and marrow, sum and substance, of a sermon which occupied an hour in delivery : — " Man is born to trouble." This subject, my hearers, is naturally divisiblo into four heads :— 1. Man's entrance into the world ; 2. His progress through the world ; 3. His exit from the world ; and 4. Practical reflections from what may bo said. First, then : — 1. Man's ingress in life is naked and bare, 2. His progress through life is trouble and care, 3. His egress from it, none can tell where, 4. But doing well here, he will be well there. Now, on this subject, my brethren dear, I could not tell more by preaching a year. 244 ECCLESIASTICS. A SERMON ON MALT. The Rev. Dr. Dodd lived within a few miles of Cambridge, (England,) and had offended several students by preaching a sermon on temperance. One day some of them met him. They said one to another, — " Here's Father Dodd : he shall preach us a sermon." Ac- costing him with, — " Your servants." " Sirs ! yours, gentlemen 1" replied the Doctor. They said, "We have a favor to ask of you, which must be granted." The divine asked what it was. " To preach a sermon," was the reply. "Well," said he, "appoint the time and place, and I will." " The time, the present; the place, that hollow tree," (point- ing to it,) said the students. "'Tis an imposition!" said the Doctor: "there ought to be consideration before preaching." " If you refuse/' responded they, " we will put you into the tree I" Whereupon the Doctor acquiesced, and asked them for a text. " Malt !" said they. The reverend gentleman commenced : — " Let me crave your attention, my beloved ! " I am a little man, come at a short warning, to preach a short sermon, upon a short subject, to a thin congregation, in an unworthy pulpit. Beloved ! my text is ' Malt.' I can- not divide it into syllables, it being but a monosyllable: there- fore I must divide it into letters, which I find in my text to be four : — M-a-l-t. M, my beloved, is moral — A, is allegorical — L, is literal — T, is theological. " 1st. The moral teaches such as you drunkards good man- ners ; therefore M, my masters — A, all of you — L, leave off — T, tippling. " 2d. The allegorical is, when one thing is spoken and an- other meant; the thing here spoken is Malt, the thing meant ECCLESIASTICS. 1 [ft the oil of malt, which you rustics make M, your masters — A, your apparel — L, your liberty — T, your trusts. " 3d. The theological is according to the effects it works, which are of two kinds — the first in this world, the second in the world to come. The effects it works in this world are, in some, M, murder — in others, A, adultery — in all, L, looseness of life — and particularly in some, T, treason. In the world to come, the effects of it are, M, misery — A, anguish — L, lamentation — T, torment — and thus much for my text, ' Malt.' " Infer 1st : As words of exhortation : M, my masters — A, all of you — L, leave off— T, tippling. " 2d. A word for conviction : M, my masters — A, all of you — L, look for — T, torment. " 3d. A word for caution, take this : A drunkard is the an- noyance of modesty — the spoiler of civility — the destroyer of reason — the brewer's agent — the alewife's benefactor — his wife's sorrow — his children's trouble — his neighbor's scoff — a walking swill-tub — a picture of a beast — a monster of a man." The youngsters found the truth so unpalatable, that they soon deserted their preacher, glad to get beyond the reach of his voice. ELOQUENCE OP BASCOM. The following passages will serve to illustrate the peculiar oratorical style of Rev. Henry B. Bascom, the distinguished Kentucky preacher : — " Chemistry, with its fire-tongs of the galvanic battery, teaches that the starry diamond in the crown of kings, and the black carbon which the peasant treads beneath his feet, are both composed of the same identical elements ; analysis also proves that a chief ingredient in limestone is carbon. Then let the burning breath of God pass over all the limestone of the earth, and bid its old mossy layers crystalize into new beauty; and lo! at the Almighty fiat the mountain ranges flash into living gems with a lustre that renders midnight noon, and eclipses all the stars !" K 13 146 ECCLESIASTICS. He urged the same view by another example, still better adapted to popular apprehension : — "Look yonder," said the impassioned orator, pointing a motionless finger towards the lofty ceiling, as if it were the sky. " See that wrathful thunder-cloud — the fiery bed of the lightnings and hissing hail — the cradle of tempests and floods ! — What can be more dark, more dreary, more dreadful ? Say, scoffing skeptic, is it capable of any beauty? You pronounce, ' no.' Well, very well ; but behold, while the sneering denial curls your proud lips, the sun with its sword of light shears through the sea of vapors in the west, and laughs in your in- credulous face with his fine golden eye. Now, look again at the thunder-cloud ! See ! where it was blackest and fullest of gloom, the sunbeams have kissed its hideous cheek ; and where the kiss fell there is now a blush, brighter than ever mantled on the brow of mortal maiden — the rich blush of crimson and gold, of purple and vermilion — a pictured blush, fit for the gaze of angels — the flower-work of pencils of fire and light, wrought at a dash by one stroke of the right hand of God ! Ay, the ugly cloud hath given birth to the rainbow, that per- fection and symbol of unspeakable beauty I" THE LORD BISHOP. The following incident is said to have occurred in the parish church of Bradford, England, during a special service, on the occasion of a visit from the bishop of the diocese : — The clerk, before the sermon, gave out the psalm in broad Wiltshire dialect, namely: — "Let us zing to the praayze an' glawry o' God, three varsses o* the hundred and vourteen zaam — a varsion 'specially 'dapted to the 'caasion, — by meself :" — Why hop ye zo, ye little hills, An' what var de'e skip? Is it 'cas you'm proud to see His grace the Lard Bish?p ? Why skip ye zo, ye little hills, An' what var de'e hop ? ECCLESIASTICS. 117 Is it 'cas to preach to we Is coin'd the Lard Bishop.' Eese ; — he is com'd to preach to we : Then let us aul strick up, An' zing a glawrious zong of praayze, An' bless the Lard Bish»p .' THE PREACHERS OF CROMWELL'S TIME. Dr. Echard says of the preachers who lived in the time of Cromwell, — "Coiners of new phrases, drawers-out of long godly words, thick pourers-out of texts of Scripture, mimical squeak- ers and bellowers, vain-glorious admirers only of themselves, and those of their own fashioned face and gesture ; such as these shall be followed, shall have their bushels of China oranges, shall be solaced with all manner of cordial essences, and shall be rubbed down with Holland of ten shillings an ell." One of the singular fashions that prevailed among the preachers of those days was that of coughing or hemming in the middle of a sentence, as an ornament of speech ; and when their sermons were printed, the place where the preacher coughed or hemmed was always noted in the margin. This practice was not confined to England, for Olivier Maillard, a Cordelier, and famous preacher, printed a sermon at Brussels in the year 1500, and marked in the margin where the preacher hemmed once or twice, or coughed. ORIGIN OP TEXTS. The custom of taking a text as the basis of a sermon origin- ated with Ezra, who, we are told, accompanied by several Levites in a public congregation of men and women, ascended a pulpit, opened the book of the law, and after addressing a prayer to the Deity, to which the people said Amen, "read in the book in the law of God distinctly, and gave the sense, and caused them to understand the reading." (Nehemiah viii. 8. > Previous to the time of Ezra, the Patriarchs delivered, in public assemblies, either prophecies or moral instructions fot the edification of the people; and it was not until the return 148 ECCLESIASTICS. of the Jews from the Babylonish captivity, during which time they had almost lost the language in which the Pentateuch was written, that it became necessary to explain, as well as to read, the Scriptures to them. In later times, the book of Moses was thus read in the synagogues every Sabbath day. (Acts xv. 21.) To this custom our Saviour conformed : in the synagogue at Na- zareth he read a passage from the prophet Isaiah, then closing the book, returned it to the priest, and preached from the text. CLERICAL BLUNDERS. In an old book of Sermons by a divine named Milsom, we are told that it is one among many proofs of the wisdom and benevolence of Providence that the world was not created in the midst of winter, when Adam and Eve could have found nothing to eat, but in harvest-time, when there was fruit on every tree and shrub to tempt the willing hand. Another commentator praises Divine Goodness for always making the largest rivers flow close by the most populous towns. St. Austin undertook to prove that the ten plagues of Egypt were punishments adapted to the breach of the ten command- ments, — forgetting that the law was given to the Jews, and that the plagues were inflicted on the Egyptians, and also that the law was not given in the form of commandments until nearly three months after the plagues had been sent. PROVING AN ALIBI. A clergyman at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors commended. "Yes," said a gentleman to whom it was mentioned, "it was a good sermon, but he stole it." This was told to the preacher. He resented it, and called on the gentleman to retract what he had said. "I am not," replied the aggressor, "very apt to retract my words, but in this instance I will. I said, you had stolen the sermon; I find I was wrong; for on returning home, and referring to the book .whence I thought it was taken, I found it there." ECCLESIASTICS. 1 I'.l WHITEFIELD AND THE SAILORS. Mr. Whitcficld, whose gestures and play of features \'. full of dramatic power, once preached before the seamen at New York, and, in the course of his sermon, introduced the following bold apostrophe: — " Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine headway over a smooth sea before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. But what means this sudden lowering of the heavens, and that dark cloud arising from the western horizon? Hark! Don't you hear the distant thunder? Don't you see those flashes of lightning? There is a storm gathering! Every man to his duty. How the waves rise and dash against the ship ! The air is dark ! The tempest rages ! Our masts are gone. The ship is on her beam ends ! What next?" The unsuspecting tars, reminded of former perils on the deep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose and exclaimed, " Take to the long boat." PROTESTANT EXCOMMUNICATION. John Knox, in his Liturgy for Scotch Presbyterians, sets forth the following form for the exercise of such an attribute of ecclesiastical authority in Protestant communities as excom- munication : — " Lord Jesus Christ, thy expressed word is our assurance, and therefore, in boldness of the same, here in thy name, and at the commandment of this thy present congregation, we cut off, seclude, and excommunicate from thy body, and from our society, N. as a pround contemner, and slanderous person, and a member for the present altogether corrupted, and pernicious to the body. And this his sin (albeit with sorrow of our hearts) by virtue of our ministry, we bind and pronounce the same to be bound in heaven and earth. We further give over, into the hands and power of the devil, the said N. to the destruction of his flesh; straitly charging all that profess the Lord Jesus, to whose knowledge this our sentence shall come, to repute and 13* 150 PURITAN PECULIARITIES. hold the said N. accursed and unworthy of the familiar society of Christians; declaring unto all men that such as hereafter (before his repentance) shall haunt, or familiarly accompany him, are partakers of his impiety, and subject to the like con- demnation. " This our sentence, Lord Jesus, pronounced in thy name, and at thy commandment, we humbly beseech thee to ratify even according to thy promise." puritan peculiarities. BAPTISMAL NAMES. A Puritan maiden, who was asked for her baptismal name, replied, " ' Through-much-tribulation-we-enter-the-kingdom-of- Heaven,' but for short they call me ' Tribby.' " The following names will be found in Lower's English Sir- names, and in the Lansdowne Collection. Most of them are taken from a jury-list of Sussex County, 1658. The favorite female baptismal names among the Puritans were Mercy, Faith, Fortune, Honor, Virtue ; but there were among them those who preferred such high-flown names as Alethe, Prothesa, Euphro- syne, Kezia, Keturah, Malvina, Melinda, Sabrina, Alpina, Oriana. The-gift-of-God Stringer, The-work-of-God Farmer, llepentant Hazel, More-tryal Goodwin, Zealous King, Faithful Long, Be-thankful Playnard, Joy-from-above Brown, Live-in-peace Hillary, Be-of-good-comfort Small, Obediencia Cruttenden, Godward Freeman, Goodgift Noake, Thunder Goldsmith. PURITAN PECULIARITIES. ]R1 Faint-not Hewett, Accepted Trevor, Redeemed Conipton, Make-peace Ileaton, God-reward Smart, Stand-fast-on-high Stringer, Earth Adams, Called Lower, Meek Brewer, Be-courteous Cole, Repentance Avis, Search-the-scriptures Moreton. Kill-sin Pimple, Return Spelman, Be-faithful Joiner, Fly-debate Roberts, More-fruit Flower, Hope-for Bending, Grace-fill Harding, Weep-not Billing, Seek-wisdom Wood, Elected Mitchell, Fight-the-good-fight-of-faith White, The-peace-of-God Knight SIMILES. Prayer is Faith's pump, where 't works till the water come ; * If 't comes not free at first, Faith puts in some. Prayer is the sacred bellows ; when these blow, How doth that live-coal from God's altar glow! Faithful Teate'a Ter. Tria., 165S. Walking in the streets, I met a cart that came near the wall) so I stepped aside, to avoid it, into a place where I was secure enough. Reflection: Lord, sin is that great evil of which thou complainest that thou art pressed as a cart is pressed : how can it then but bruise me to powder? — Caleb Trenchfield's Chris. Chymestree. EARLY PUNISHMENTS IN MASSACHUSETTS. From the early records of Massachusetts we learn that the following singular punishments were inflicted in that colony two hundred years ago : — Sir Richard Salstonstall, fined four bushels of malt for his absence from the court. Josias Plaistowe, for stealing four baskets of corn from the Indians, to return them eight baskets again, to be fined <£5, and hereafter to be called Josias, not Mr. as he used to be. Thomas Peter, for suspicions of slander, idleness, and stub- bornness, is to be severely whipped and kept in hold. 152 PURITAN PECULIARITIES. Capt. Stone, for abusing Mr. Ludlow by calling him justass, fined £100, and prohibited coming within the patent. Joyce Dradwick to give unto Alexander Becks 20s., for promising him marriage without her friends' consent, and now refusing to perform the same. Richard Turner, for being notoriously drunk, fined £2. Edward Palmer, for his extortion in taking 32s. Id. for the plank and work of Boston stocks, fined £5, and sentenced to sit one hour in the stocks. John White bound in £10 to good behavior, and not come into the company of his neighbor Thomas Bell's wife alone. VIRGINIA PENALTIES IN THE OLDEN TIME. From the old records in the Court House of Warwick County, Virginia, we extract some entries of decisions by the court under date of October 21, 1663. It may be worth while to remark that at that early period tobacco was not only a staple commodity but a substitute for currency. " Mr. John Harlow, and Alice his wife, being by the grand inquest presented for absenting themselves from church, are, according to the act, fined each of them fifty pounds of tobacco; and the said Mr. John Harlow ordered forthwith to pay one hundred pounds of tobacco to the sheriff, otherwise the said sheriff to levy by way of distress." " Jane Harde, the wife of Henry Harde, being presented for not 'tending church, is, according to act, fined fifty pounds of tobacco ; and the sheriff is ordered to collect the same from her, and, in case of non-payment, to distress." "John Lewis, his wife this day refusing to take the oath of allegiance, being ordered her, is committed into the sheriff's custody, to remain until she take the said oath, or until further ordered to the contrary." "John Lewis, his wife for absenting herself from church, is fined fifty pounds of tobacco, to be collected by the sheriff from her husband; and upon non-payment, the said sheriff to distress." PURITAN PECULIARITIES. L53 " George Harwood, being prosecuted for his absenting him- self from church, is fined fifty pounds of tobacco, to be levied by way of distress by the sheriff upon his non-payment thereof." "Peter White and his wife, beinir presented for common swearing, are fined fifty pounds of tobacco, both of them ; to be collected by the sheriff from the said White, and, upon non- payment of the same, to distress." " Richard King, being presented as a common swearer, is fined fifty pounds of tobacco, to be levied by the sheriff, by way of distress, upon his non-payment." EXTRACTS FROM THE CONNECTICUT BLUE LAWS. When these free states were colonies Unto the mother nation, And in Connecticut the good Old Blue Laws were in fashion. The following extracts from the laws ordained by the people of New Haven, previous to their incorporation with the Say- brook and Hartford colonies, afford an idea of the strange cha- racter of their prohibitions. As the substance only is given in the transcription, the language is necessarily modernized : — No quaker or dissenter from the established worship of the dominion shall be allowed to give a vote for the election of magistrates, or any officer. No food or lodging shall be afforded to a quaker, adamite, or other heretic. If any person turns quaker, he shall be banished, and not suffered to return, but upon pain of death. No priest shall abide in the dominion : he shall be banished, and suffer death on his return. Priests may be seized by any one without a warrant. No man to cross a river but with an authorized ferryman. No one shall run on the sabbath-day, or walk in his garden, or elsewhere, except reverently to and from meeting. No one shall travel, cook victuals, make beds, sweep house, cut hair or shave, on the sabbath-day. 15-4 PURITAN PECULIARITIES. No woman shall kiss her child on the sabbath or fasting- day. The sabbath shall begin at sunset on Saturday. To pick an ear of corn growing in a neighbor's garden shall be deemed theft. A person accused of trespass in the night shall be judged guilty, unless he clear himself by oath. When it appears that an accused has confederates, and he refuses to discover them, he may be racked. No one shall buy or sell lands without permission of the selectmen. A drunkard shall have a master appointed by the selectmen, who are to debar him the liberty of buying and selling. Whoever publishes a lie to the prejudice of his neighbor, shall sit in the stocks or be whipped fifteen stripes. No minister shall keep a school. Men-stealers shall suffer death. Whoever wears clothes trimmed with gold, silver, or bone lace, above two shillings by the yard, shall be presented by the grand jurors, and the selectmen shall tax the offender at £300 estate. A debtor in prison, swearing he has no estate, shall be let out, and sold to make satisfaction. Whoever sets a fire in the woods, and it burns a house, shall suffer death; and persons suspected of this crime shall be im- prisoned without benefit of bail. Whoever brings cards or dice into this dominion shall pay a fine of £5. No one shall read common-prayer, keep Christmas or saint- days, make minced pies, dance, play cards, or play on any in- strument of music, except the drum, trumpet, and Jews-harp. No gospel minister shall join people in marriage; the magis- trates only shall join in marriage, as they may do it with less scandal to Christ's church. When parents refuse their children convenient marriages, the magistrate shall determine the point. The selectmen, on finding children ignorant, may take them PARONOMASIA. ] 55 away from their parents, and put them into better hands, at the expense of their parents. A man that strikes his wife shall pay a fine of £10 ; a woman that strikes her husband shall be punished as the court directs. A wife shall be deemed good evidence against her husband. Married persons must live together, or be imprisoned. No man shall court a maid in person, or by letter, without first obtaining consent of her parents : £5 penalty for the first offence; £10 for the second; and for the third, imprisonment during the pleasure of the court. Every male shall have his hair cut round according to a cap. ^Paronomasia. Hard is the job to launch the desperate pun ; A pun-job dangerous as the Indian one. — Holmes. Life and language are alike sacred. Homicide and verbicide — that is, vio- lent treatment of a word with fatal results to its legitimate meaning, which is its life — are alike forbidden. Manslaughter, which is the meaning of the one, is the same as man's laughter, which is the end of the other. — Ibid. The quaint Cardan thus defineth : — " Punning is an art of harmonious jingling upon words, which, passing in at the ears and falling upon the diaphragma, excites a titillary motion in those parts ; and this, being conveyed by the animal spirits into the muscles of the face, raises the cockles of the heart." " He who would make a pun would pick a pocket," is the stereotyped dogma fulminated by laugh-lynchers from time im- memorial ; or, as the Autocrat hath it, "To trifle with the vocabulary which is the vehicle of social intercourse is to tam- per with the currency of human intelligence. He who would violate the sanctities of his mother tongue would invade the re- cesses of the paternal till without remorse, and repeat the ban- quet of Saturn without an indigestion." The "inanities of this 156 PARONOMASIA. working-day world" cannot perceive any wittiness or grace in punning; and yet, according to the comprehensive definition of wit by Dr. Barrow, the eminent divine, it occupies a very con- siderable portion of the realm of wit. He says, " Wit is a thing so versatile and multiform, appearing in so many shapes, so many postures, so many garbs, so variously apprehended by several eyes and judgments, that it seemeth no less hard to settle a clear and certain notion thereof, than to make a por- trait of Proteus, or to define the figure of the fleeting air. Sometimes it lieth in pat allusions to a known story, or in seasonable application of a trivial saying, or in feigning an apposite tale ; sometimes it playeth in words and phrases, taking advantage of the ambiguity of their sense, or the affinity of their sound; sometimes it is wrapped in a dress of humorous expression, sometimes it lurketh under an odd similitude; sometimes it is lodged in a sly question, in a smart answer, in a auirkish reason, in a shrewd intimation, in cunningly, divertingly, or cleverly retorting an objection ; sometimes it is couched in a bold scheme of speech, in a tart irony, in a lusty hyperbole, in a startling metaphor, in a plausible reconciling of contradictions, or in acute nonsense; sometimes a scenic re- presentation of persons or things, a counterfeit speech, a mimic look or gesture, passeth for it. Sometimes an affected simpli- city, sometimes a presumptuous bluntness, giveth it being. Sometimes it riseth only from a lucky hitting upon what is strange; sometimes from a crafty wresting of obvious matter to the purpose. Often it consisteth of one knows not what, and springeth up one can hardly tell how. Its ways are unac- countable and inexplicable, being answerable to the numberless rovings of fancy and windings of language." If this definition be true, there is truth as well as wit in the punster's reply to the taunt of the rhetorician that " punning is the lowest species of wit." "Yes," said he, "for it is the foundation of all wit." But, whatever may be said of the practice by those who affect to despise it, it has been much in Vogue in all ages. Home, in his Introduction to the Critical PARONOMASIA. 157 Study of the Holy Scriptures, tells us that it was a very favorite figure of rhetoric among the Hebrews, and is yet common among most of the Oriental nations. Professor Stuart, in his Hebrew grammar, gives numerous examples of it in the Old Testament, and Winer and Home point out others in the New Testament, especially in the writings of St. Paul. These can- not, of course, be equivalently expressed in English. Many of the Greek authors exhibit a fondness for this rheto- rical figure, and some of the most excellent puns extant are to be found in the Greek Anthologies. As a specimen, the follow- ing is given from Wesseling's Diodorus Siculus : — Dioscurus, an Egyptian bishop, before he began the service, had the common custom of saying eipyvy Tzaaiv, (irene pasin,) peace be to all. It was notorious that the pious churchman had at home a favorite mistress, whose name was Irene, which incident produced the following smart epigram :— Eiprivrj TtavTtaaiv eiriaKoizo; uitev txsXSwv Tlco; Suvarai naoiv, r)v jxovo% cvdov sxei; (The good bishop wishes peace — Irene — to all; But how can he give that to all, which he keeps to himself at homo ?) A PUN-GENT CHAPTER. At one time there was a general strike among the working- men of Paris, and Theodore Hook gave the following amusing account of the affair : — " The bakers, being ambitious to extend their cfo-mains, declared that a revolution was needed, and, though not exactly bred up to arms, soon reduced their crusty masters to terms. The tailors called a council of the board to see what measures should be taken, and, looking upon the bakers as the flower of chivalry, decided to follow suit; the con- sequence of which was, that a cereous insurrection was lighted up among the candle-makers, which, however wick-ed it might appear in the eyes of some persons, developed traits of charac- ter not unworthy of ancient Greece." 14 158 PARONOMASIA. Why should no man starve on the deserts of Arabia ? Because of the sand which is there. How came the sandwiches there ? The tribe of Ham was bred there, and mustered. A clergyman who had united in marriage a couple whose Christian names were Benjamin and Annie, on being asked by a mutual friend how they appeared during the ceremony, re- plied that they appeared both orome-inated and &e»e-fitted. Mr. Manners, who had but lately been created Earl of Rut- land, said to Sir Thomas More, just made Lord Chancellor, — " You are so much elated with your preferment that you verify the old proverb, — Honores mutant MORES. " "No, my lord," said Sir Thomas: "the pun will do much better in English : — Honors change MANNERS." An old writer said that when cannons were introduced as negotiators, the canons of the church were useless; that the world was governed first by mitrum, and then by nitrum, — first by St. Peter, and then by saltpetre. Colman, the dramatist, on being asked whether he knew Theodore Hook, replied, "Oh, yes: Hook and Eye are old associates." Punch says, " the milk of human kindness is not to be found in the pail of society." If so, we think it is time for all hands to " hick the bucket." Judge Peters, formerly of the Philadelphia Bench, observed to a friend, during a trial that was going on, that one of the witnesses had a vegetable head. "How so?" was the inquiry. " He has carroty hair, reddish cheeks, a turnup nose, and a sage look." Tom Hood, seeing over the shop-door of a beer-vendor, — Bear Sold Here, said it was spelled right, because it was his own Bruin. PARONOMASIA. 159 Charles Mathews, the comedian, was served by a green-gro- cer, named Berry, and generally settled his bill once a quarter. At one time the account was sent in before it was due, and Mathews, laboring under an idea that his credit was doubted, said, " Here's a pretty mull, Berry. You have sent in your bill, Berry, before it is due, Berry. Your father, the elder Berry, would not have been such a goose, Berry ; but you need not look so black, Berry, for I don't care a straw, Berry, and eha'n't pay you till Christmas, Berry." Sheridan, being dunned by a tailor to pay at least the interest on his bill, answered that it was not his interest to pay the principal, nor his principle to pay the interest. In the "Old India House" may still be seen a quarto volume of Interest Tables, on the fly-leaf of which is written, in Charles Lamb's round, clerkly hand, — "A book of much interest." — Edinhurgh Review. "A work in which the interest never flags." — Quarterly Review. " We may say of this volume, that the interest increases from the begin- ning to the end." — Monthly Review. Turner, the painter, was at a dinner where several artists, amateurs, and literary men were convened. A poet, by way of being facetious, proposed as a toast, " The Painters and Glaziers of England." The toast was drunk ; and Turner, after returning thanks for it, proposed "Success to the Paper- Stainers," and called on the poet to respond. SHORT ROAD TO WEALTH. I'll tell you a plan for gaining wealth, Better than banking, trade, or leases; Take a bank-note and fold it across, And then you will find your money ln-creases ! This wonderful plan, without danger or loss, Keeps your cash in your hands, and with nothing to trouble it ; And every time that you fold it across, 'Tis plain as the light of the day that you double it! "I cannot move," the plaintive invalid cries, " Nor sit, nor stand." — If he says true, he liet. 160 PARONOMASIA. Dr. Johnson having freely expressed his aversion to punning, Boswell hinted that his illustrious friend's dislike to this species of small wit might arise from his inability to play upon words. "Sir", roared Johnson, "if I were punish-ed for every pun I shed, there would not be left a puny shed of my punnish head." Once, by accident, he made a singular pun. A person who affected to live after the Greek manner, and to anoint himself with oil, was one day mentioned to him. Johnson, in the course of conversation on the singularity of his practice, give him the denomination of this man of Grease. Sydney Smith — so Lord Houghton in his Monographs tells us — has written depreciatingly of all playing upon words; but his rapid apprehension could not altogether exclude a kind of wit which, in its best forms, takes fast hold of the memory, besides the momentary amusement it excites. His objection to the superiority of a city feast: "I cannot wholly value a dinner by the test you do (testudo);" — his proposal to settle the question of the wood pavement around St. Paul's: "Let the Canons once lay their heads together and the thing will be done ;" — his pretty compliment to his friends, Mrs. Tighe and Mrs. Cuffe : "Ah ! there you are : the cuff that every one would wear, the tie that no one would loose" — may be cited as perfect in their way. Admiral Duncan's address to the officers who came on board his ship for instructions, previous to the engagement with Ad- miral de Winter, was laconic and humorous : " Gentlemen, you see a severe Winter approaching ; I have only to advise you to keep up a good fire." Theodore Hook plays thus on the same name : — Here comes Mr. Winter, inspector of taxes; I advise you to give him whatever he axes; I advise you to give him without any flummery, For though his name's Winter his actions are summary. Henry Erskine's toast to the mine-owners of Lancashire : — Pink your pits, blast your mines, dam your rivers, consume your manu- factures, disperse your commerce, and may your labors be in vein. PARONOMASIA. 1 1 ; 1 TOM MOORE. When Limerick, in idlo whim, Moore as her member lately courted, ' The boys,' for form's sake, asked of him To state what party he supported. When thus his answer promptly ran, (Now give the wit his meed of glory :) " I'm of no party as a man, But as a poet am-a-tory." TOP AND BOTTOM. The following playful colloquy in verse took place at a din- ner-table, between Sir George Rose and James Smith, in allu« sion to Craven street, Strand, where the latter resided : — J. S. — At the top of my street the attorneys abound, And down at the bottom the barges are found : Fly, honesty, fly to some safer retreat, For there's craft in the river, and craft in the street Sir G. R. — Why should honesty fly to some safer retreat, From attorneys, and barges, od-rot 'em ? For the lawyers are just at the top of the street, And the barges are just at the bottom. OLD JOKE VERSIFIED. Says Tom to Bill, pray tell me, sir, Why is it that the devil, In spite of all his naughty ways, Can never be uncivil ? Says Bill to Tom, the answer's plain To any mind that's bright : Because the imp of darkness, sir, Can ne'er be imp o' light. A PRINTER'S EPITAPH. Here lies a form — place no imposing stone To mark the head, where weary it is lain ; 'Tis matter dead ! — its mission being done, To be distributed to dust again. The body's but the type, at best, of man, Whose impress is the spirit's deathless page ; Worn out, the type is thrown to pi again, The impression lives through an eternal age. 14* 162 PARONOMASIA. STICKY. I want to seal a letter, Dick, Some wax pray give to me. — I have not got a single stick, Or whacks I'd give to thee. WOMEN. When Eve brought woe to all mankind, Old Adam called her wo-man ; But when she xooo'd with love so kind, He then pronounced her woo-man. But now with folly and with pride, Their husbands' pockets trimming, The ladies are so full of whims, The people call them whim-men. BEN, THE SAILOR. His death, which happened in his berth, At forty odd befell : They went and told the sexton, and The sexton tolled the bell. — Hood's Faithless Sally Brown. WHISKERS VERSUS RAZOR. With whiskers thick upon my face I went my fair to see ; She told me she could never love A bear-faced chap like me. I shaved then clean, and called again, And thought my troubles o'er ; She laughed outright, and said I was More bare-faced than before ! COMPLIMENT OF SHERIDAN TO MISS PAYNE. 'Tis true I am ill ; but I cannot complain, For he never knew pleasure who never knew Payne. FROM DR. HOLMES' " MODEST REQUEST." Thus great Achilles, who had shown his zeal In healing wounds, died of a wounded heel; Unhappy chief, who, when in childhood doused, Had saved his bacon had his feet been soused ! Accursed heel, that killed a hero stout ! Oh, had your mother known that you were out, PARONOMASIA. 163 Death had not entered at the trifling part That still defies the small chirurgeon'.- art With corn and bunions, — not the glorious Jchn Who wrote the book we all have pondered on, — But other bunions, bound in fleecy hose, To "Pilgrim's Progress" unrelenting foes! PLAINT OF THE OLD PAUPER. Some boast of their FORE-fathers — I — I have not one ! I am, I think, like Joshua, The son of none ! Heedless in youth, we little note How quick time passes, For then flows ruby wine, not sand, In our glasses ! Rich friends (most pure in honor) all have fled Sooner or later j Pshaw ! had they India's spices, they'd not be A nutmeg-GRATER ! I've neither chick nor child ; as I have nothing, Why, 'tis lucky rather ; Tet who that hears a squalling baby wishes Not to be FATHER? Some few years back my spirits and my youth Were quite amazin'; Brisk as a pony, or a lawyer's clerk, Just fresh from Gray's Inn ! What am I now? weak, old, and poor, and by The parish found ; Their pence keeps me, while many an ass Enjoys the parish pound ! TO MY NOSE. Knows he that never took a pinch, Nosey! the pleasure thence which flows? Knows he the titillating joy Which my nose knows ? Oh, nose ! I am as fond of thee As any mountain of its snows ! I gaze on thee, and feel that pride A Roman knows ! 1(34 PARONOMASIA. BOOK-LARCENY. Sir Walter Scott said that some of his friends were had accountants, but excellent book-keepers. How hard, when those who do not wish To lend — that's lose — their books, Are snared by anglers — folks that fish With literary hooks ; Who call and take some favorite tome, But never read it through ; They thus complete their sett at home, By making one of you. I, of my Spenser quite bereft, Last winter sore was shaken ; Of Lamb I've but a quarter left, Nor could I save my Bacon. They picked my Locke, to me far more Than Bramah*s patent worth; And now my losses I deplore, Without a Home on earth. Even Glover's works I cannot put My frozen hands upon ; Though ever since I lost my Foote, My Bunyan has been gone. My life is wasting fast away ; I suffer from these shocks ; And though I've fixed a lock on Gray, There's gray upon my locks. They still have made me slight returns, And thus my grief divide ; For oh ! they've cured mo of my Burns, And eased my Akenside. But all I think I shall not say, Nor let my anger burn ; For as they have not found me Gay, They have not left me Sterne. THE VEGETABLE GIRL. Behind a market stall installed, I mark it overy day, Stands at her stand the fairest girl I've met with in the bay ; PARONOMASIA. Jgr Her two lips are of cherry red, Her hands a pretty pair, With such a pretty turn-up nose, And lovely reddish hair. 'Tis there she stands from morn till night Her customers to please, And to appease their appetite She sells them beans and peas. Attracted by the glances from The apple of her eye, And by her Chili apples, too, Each passer-by will buy. She stands upon her little feet, Throughout the livelong day, And sells her celery and things, — A big feat, by the way. She changes off her stock for change, Attending to each call ; And when she has but one beet left, She says, " Now that beats all." EPITAPH ON AN OLD HORSE. Here lies a faithful steed, A stanch, uncompromising ''silver gray;" Who ran the race of life with sprightly speed, Yet never ran — away. Wild oats he never sowed, Yet masticatod tame ones with much zest : Cheerful he bore each light allotted load, As cheerfully took rest. Bright were his eyes, yet soft, And in the main his tail was white and flowing; And though he never sketched a single draught, He showed great taste for drawing. Lithe were his limbs, and clean, Fitted alike for buggy or for dray, And like Napoleon the Great, I ween, He had a martial neigh. Oft have I watched him grace His favorite stall, well littered, warm, and fair, With such contentment shining from his face, And such a stable air I 166 PARONOMASIA. With here and there a speck Of roan diversifying his broad back, And, martyr-like, a halter round his neck, Which bound him to the raek. Mors omnibus ! at length The hay-day of his life was damped by death ; So, summoning all his late remaining strength, He drew his — final breath. GRAND SCHEME OF EMIGRATION. The Brewers should to Malt-a go, .The Loggerheads to Scilly, The Quakers to the Friendly Isles, The Furriers all to Chili. The little squalling, brawling brats, That break our nightly rest, Should be packed off to Baby-Ion, To Lap-land, or to Brest. From Spit-head Cooks go o'er to Greece; And while the Miser waits His passage to the Guinea coast, Spendthrifts are in the Straits. Spinsters should to the Needles go, Wine-bibbers to Burgundy ; Gourmands should lunch at Sandwich Isles, Wags in the Bay of Fun-dy. Musicians hasten to the Sound, The surpliced Priest to Borne; While still the race of Hypocrites At Cant-on are at home. Lovers should hasten to Good Hope ; To some Cape Horn is pain ; Debtors should go to Oh-i-o, And Sailors to the Main-e. Hie, Bachelors, to the United States ! Maids, to the Isle of Man ; Let Gardeners go to Botany Bay, And Shoeblacks to Japan. Thus, emigrants and misplaced men Will then no longer vex us ; And all that a'n't provided for Had better go to Texas. PARONOMASIA. 1G7 THE PERILOUS PRACTICE OP PUNNING. Theodore Hook thus cautions young people to resist provo- cation to the habit of punning : — My little dears, who learn to read, pray early learn to shun That very silly thing indeed which people call a pun. Read Entick's rules, and 'twill be found how simple an offence It is to make the self-same sound afford a double sense. For instance, ale may make you ail, your aunt an ant may kill, You in a vale may buy a vail, and Bill may pay the bill, Or if to France your bark you steer, at Dover it may be, A peer appears upon the pier, who, blind, still goes to sea. Thus one might say when to a treat good friends accept our greeting, 'Tis meet that men who meet to eat, should eat their meat when meeting. Brawn on the board 's no bore indeed, although from boar prepared; Nor can the fowl on which we feed foul feeding be declared. Thus one ripe fruit may be & pear, and yet \>q pared again, And still be one, which seemeth rare, until we do explain. It therefore should be all your aim to speak with ample care; For who, however fond of game, would choose to swallow hair? A fat man's gait may make us smile, who has no gate to close ; The farmer sitting on his stile no stylish person knows; Perfumers men of scents must be; some Scilly men are bright; A brown man oft deep read we see — a black a wicked wight. Most wealthy men good manners have, however vulgar they, And actors still the harder slave the oftener they play ; So poets can't the baize obtain unless their tailors choose, While grooms and coachmen not in vain each evening seek the mews. The dyer who by dying lives, a dire life maintains; The glazier, it is known, receives his profits from his panes ; By gardeners thyme is tied, 'tis true, when Spring is in its prime, But time or tide won't wait for you, if you are tied for time. There now you see, my little dears, the way to make a pun ; A trick which you, through coming years, should sedulously shun. The fault admits of no defense, for wheresoe'er 'tis found, You sacrifice the sound for sense, the sense is never sound. So let your words and actions too, one single meaning prove, And, just in all you say or do, you'll gain esteem and love : In mirth and play no harm you'll know, when duty's task is done ; But parents ne'er should let you go unpunished for a, pun. The motto of the Pilotage Commission of the river Tyne : — In portu salus. In port you sail us. 163 PARONOMASIA. SONNET On a youth who died from a surfeit of fruit. Currants have checked the current of my blood, And berries brought me to be buried here ; Pears have pared off my body's hardihood, And plums and plumbers spare not one so spare : Fain would I feign my fall ; so fair a fare Lessens not fate, but 'tis a lesson good : Gilt will not long hide guilt ; such thin-washed ware Wears quickly, and its rude touch soon is rued. Grave on my grave some sentence grave and terse, That lies not, as it lies upon my clay ; But, in a gentle strain of unstrained verse, Prays all to pity a poor patty's prey ; Rehearses I was fruit-full to my hearse, Tells that my days are told, and soon I'm toll'd away ! Previous to the battle of Culloden, when Marshal Wade and Generals Cope and Hawley were prevented by the severity of the weather from advancing as far into Scotland as they intended, the following lines were circulated among their opposers : — Cope could not cope, nor Wade wade through the snow, Nor Hawley haul his cannon to the foe. When Mrs. Norton was called on to subscribe to a fund for the relief of Thomas Hood's widow, which had been headed by Sir Robert Peel, she sent a liberal donation with these lines : — To cheer the widow's heart in her distress, To make provision for the fatherless, Is but a Christian's duty, and none should Resist the heart-appeal of widow-Hood. M. Mario's visit to this country recalls to mind the sharpest witticism of Madame Grrisi, at the time his wife, and one of the best bits of repartee on record. Louis Phillippe, passing through a room where Grrisi stood, holding two of her young children by the hand, said gaily : "Ah ! Madame, are those, then, some of your little Grisettes?" "No, Sire," was the quick reply, perfect in every requirement of the pun, "No, Sire, these are my little Marionettes." PARONOMASIA. 169 A learned judge, of facetious memory, is reported to have said, in an argument in arrest of the judgment of death, "I think we had better let the subject drop." swift's latin puns. Among the nugse of Dean Swift are his celebrated Latin puns, some of which are well known, having been frequently copied, and having never been excelled. The following selec- tions will serve as specimens. They consist entirely of Latin words; but, by allowing for false spelling, and running the words into each other, the sentences make good sense in English : — Mollis abuti, (Moll is a beauty, Has an acuti, Has an acute eye, No lasso finis, No lass so fine is, Molli divinis. Molly divine is. Omi de armis tres, my dear mistress, Imi na dis tres, I'm in a distress, Cantu disco ver Can't you discover Meas alo ver ? Me as a lover ?) In a subsequent epistolary allusion to this, he says: — I ritu a verse o na molli o mi ne, Asta lassa me pole, a la;dis o fine; I ne ver neu a niso ne at in mi ni is ; A manat a glans ora sito fcr diis. De armo lis abuti hos face an hos nos is, As fer a sal ill i, as reddas aro sis ; Ac is o mi molli is almi de lite; Illo verbi de, an illo verbi nite. (I writ you a verse on a Molly o' mine, As tall as a may-pole, a lady so fine; I never knew any so neat in mine eyes; A man, at a glance or a sight of her, dies. Dear Molly 's a beauty, whose face and whose nose is As fair as a lily, as red as a rose is ; A kiss o' my Molly is all my delight; I love her by day, and I love her by night.) Extract from the consultation of four jytysicians on a lord that was dying. 1st Doctor Is his honor sic? Prae kstus felis pulse. It do es beat veris loto de. 15 170 PARONOMASIA. 2d Doctor. No notis as qui cassi e ver fel tu metri it. Inde edit is as fastas an alarum, ora fire bellat nite. 3d Doctor. It is veri hei ! 4th Doctor. Noto contra dictu in my juge mentitis veri loto de. It is as orto maladi, sum callet. [Here e ver id octo reti resto a par lori na mel an coli post ure.] 1st D. It is a me gri mas I opi ne. 2d D. No docto rite quit fora quin si. Heris a plane sim tomo fit. Sorites Paracelsus. Prse re adit. 1st D. Nono, Doctor, I ne ver quo te aqua casu do. 2d D. Sum arso; mi autoris no ne. 3d D. No quare lingat prse senti de si re. His honor is sic offa colli casure as I sit here. 4th D. It is sether an atro phi ora colli casu sed : Ire nieni- bri re ad it in Doctor me ades esse, here it is. 3(7 D. I ne ver re ad apage in it, no re ver in tendit. 2d D. Fer ne is offa qui te di ferent noti o nas i here. 1st D. It me bea pluri si; avo metis veri pro perfor a man at his age. 1st D. Is his honor sick ? Pray let us feel his pulse. It does beat very slow to-day. 2d D. No, no, 'tis as quick as ever I felt ; you may try it. Indeed, it is as fast as an alarum, or a fire-bell at night 3d D. It is very high. 4th 1). Not to contradict you, in my judgment it is very slow to day. It is a sort of malady, some call it. (Here every doctor retires to a parlor in a melancholy posture.) 1st D. It is a megrim, as I opine. 2d D. No, doctor, I take it for a quinsy. Here is a plain symptom of it. So writes Paracelsus. Pray read it. 1st D. No, no, doctor, I never quote a quack as you do. 2d D. Some are so ; my author is none. 3d D. No quarrelling at present, I desire. His honor is sick of a colic as sure as I sit here. ith D. It is either an atrophy, or a colic, as you said. I remember I read it in Dr. Mead's Essay: here it is. 3d D. I never read a page in it, nor ever intend it. 2d D. Ferae is of a quite different notion, as I hear. 1st £). It may be a pleurisy ; a vomit is very proper for a man at his age. PARONOMASIA. 171 2d D. Ure par donat prgesanti des ire; His dis cas is a cata ride clare it. 3d D. Atlas tume findit as tone in his quid ni es. 4th D. Itis ale pro si fora uti se. Ab lis ter me bene cessa risuni de cens. Itis as ure medi in manicas es. 3d D. I findit isto late tot hinc offa remc di ; fori here his honor is de ad. 2d D. His ti meis cum. 1st D. Is it trudo ut hinc? 4th D. It is veri certa in. His Paris his belli sto ringo ut foris de partu re. 3d D. Nse i fis ecce lens is de ad laetus en dum apri esto prse foris sole. 2d B. Your pardon at present I desire. His disease is a catarrh, I declare it. 3d B. At last you may find it a stone in his kidneys. 4th B. It is a leprosy for aught I see. A blister may be necessary some days hence. It is a sure remedy in many cases. Zd B. I find it is too late to think of a remedy ; for I hear his honor is dead. 2d B. His time is come. 1st B. Is it true, do you think ? 4th B. It is very certain. His parish bell is to ring out for his departure. 3d B. Nay, if his excellency's dead, let us send 'em a priest to pray for his soul. UNCONSCIOUS OR UNINTENTIONAL PUNS. Elizabeth's sylvan dress was therefore well suited at once to her height and to the dignity of her mein, which her conscious rank and long habits of authority had rendered in some degree too masculine to be seen to the best advantage in ordinary female weeds. — Kenilwortli, iii. 9. I'll gild the faces of the grooms withal That it may seem their guilt. — Macbeth. While underneath the eaves The brooding swallows cling, As if to show their sunny backs And twit me with the spring. — Song of the Shirt. RUSSIAN DOUBLE ENTENDRE. The following message was sent to the Emperor Nicholas by one of his generals: — Volia Vascha, a Varschavoo vsi'at nemogoo. ( ™ ia is . y° urs ' f , I but Warsaw I caunot take. ( Your will is all-powerlul, J 172 PARONOMASIA. CLASSICAL PUNS AND MOTTOES. Sydney Smith proposed as a motto for Bishop Burgess, bro- ther to the well-known fish-sauce purveyor, the following Vir- gilian pun (iEn. iv. 1), — Gravi jamdudum saucia cura. A London tobacconist, who had become wealthy, and deter- mined to set up his carriage, applied to a learned gentleman for a motto. The scholar gave him the Horatian question, — QUID RIDES 1 (Why do you laugh?— Sat. I. 69)— which was accordingly adopted, and painted on the panel. A pedantic bachelor had the following inscription on his tea- caddy : — iu DOCES. (Thou Tea-chest.) Epitaph on a Cat, ascribed to Dr. Johnson (Hor. lib. i., c. 12): — MI-CAT IKTEB OMNES. Two gentlemen about to enter an unoccupied pew in a church, the foremost found it locked. His companion, not perceiving it at the moment, inquired why he retreated. " Pu- dor vetat," said he. (Modesty forbids.) A gentleman at dinner requested a friend to help him to a potato, which he did, saying, " 1 think you will find that a good mealy one." " Thank you," quoth the other: "it could not be melior" (better). A student of Latin, being confined to his room by illness, was called upon by a friend. " What, John," said the visitor, "sick, eh?" "Yes," replied John, "sic sum" (so I am). In King's College were two delinquents named respectively Payne and Culpepper. Payne was expelled, but Culpepper escaped punishment. Upon this, a wit wrote the following apt line •— Poena perirc potest; Culpa ^wennis est. PARONOMASIA. 17;; Andrew Borde, author of the Breviary of Health, called himself in Latin Andreas Perforatus. This translation of a proper name was according to the fashion of the time, hut in this instance includes a pun, — perforatus, bored or pierced. Joseph II., Emperor of Germany, during a visit to Home, went to see the princess Santacroce, a young lady of singular beauty, who had an evening conversazione. Next morning appeared the following pasquinade. " Pasquin asks, ' What is the Emperor Joseph come to Rome for?' Marforio answers, 'Abaciar la Santa Croce' " — to kiss the Holy Cross. On the trial of Garnett, the Superior of the Jesuits, for his participation in the Gunpowder Plot, Coke, then Attorney- General, concluded his speech thus: — Qui cum Jcsu itis, non it is cum Jesuit is. A few years ago, several Jesuits came into the lecture-room of an Italian professor in the University of Pisa, believing he was about to assail a favorite dogma of theirs. He commenced his lecture with the following words, — " Quanti Gesuiti sono all' inferno I" (How many Jesuits there are in hell !) When remonstrated with, he said that his words were — " Quanti — Gesu ! — iti sono all' inferno !" (How many people, Jesus! there are in hell !) D'Israeli says that Bossuet would not join his young com- panions, and flew to his solitary tasks, while the classical buys avenged themselves by a schoolboy's pun ; applying to Bossuet Virgil's bos suet-us aratro — the ox daily toiling in the plough. John Randolph of Virginia, and Mr. Dana of Connecticut, while fellow-members of Congress, belonged to different po- litical parties. On one occasion Mr. Dana paid some hand- some compliments to Mr. Randolph. When the latter spoke in reply, he quoted from Virgil (^En. ii.) : — Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes. 15* 174 PARONOMASIA. A lady having accidentally thrown down a Cremona fiddle with her mantua, Dean Swift instantly remarked, — '•Mantua vse niiserae nimiuru vicina Cremonm." Ah, Mantua, too near the wretched Cremona. (Virg. Eel. ix. 28.) To an old gentleman who had lost his spectacles one rainy evening, the Dean said, "If this rain continues all night, you will certainly recover them in the morning betimes : "Nocte pluit tota — redeunt epectacula mane." (Virgil.) Quid facies facies veneris si veneris ante? Ne pereas pereas, ne sedeas, sedeas. (What will you do if you shall come before the face of Venus ? Lest you should perish through them, do not sit down, but go away.) Sir William Dawes, Archbishop of York, was very fond of a pun. His clergy dining with him for the first time after he had lost his wife, he told them he feared they did not find things in so good order as they used to be in the time of poor Mary ; and, looking extremely sorrowful, added with a deep sigh, "she was indeed mare pacificum." A curate who knew pretty well what her temper had been, said, " Yes, my lord, but she was mare mortuum first." That Homer should a bankrupt be, Is not so very odd d'ye see, If it be true as I'm instructed, So ill he had his books conducted. PUNNING MOTTOES OF THE ENGLISH PEERAGE. Ne vile Fano — Disgrace not the altar. Motto of the Fanes. Ne vile velis — Form no mean wish. The Nevilles. Cavendo tutus — Secure by caution. The Cavendishes. Forte scutum, salas ducum — A strong shield the safety of leaders. Lord Fortescue. Ver non semper viret — The spring is not always green. Lord Vernon. Vero nihil verius — Nothing truer than truth. Lord Vere. Templa qxiam delecta — Temples how beloved. Lord Tem- ple. PARONOMASIA. 17", JEUX-DE-MOTS. SPIRITUAL. A wag decides — That whiskey is the key by which many gain an entrance into our prisons and almshouses. That brandy brands the noses of all who cannot govern their appetites. That wine causes many a man to take a winding way home. That punch is the cause of many unfriendly punches. That ale causes many ailings, while beer brings many to tho bier. That champagne is the source of many a real pain. That gin-slings have "slewed" more than the slings of old. That the reputation of being fond of cock-tails is not a feather in any man's cap. That the money spent for port that is supplied by portly gents would support many a poor family. That porter is a weak supporter for those who are weak in body. ANAGRAMMATIC. The following sentence is said to be taken from a volume of sermons published during the reign of James I. : — This dial shows that we must die all; yet notwithstanding, all houses are turned into ale houses; our cares into cates; our paradise into a pair o' dice; matrimony into a matter of money, and marriage into a merry age ; our divines have be- come dry vines : it was not so in the days of Noah, — ah ! no ITERATIVE. A clerical gentleman of Hartford, who once attended the House of Representatives to read prayers, being politely re- quested to remain seated near the speaker during the debate, found himself the spectator of an unmarrying process, so alien to his own vocation, and so characteristic of the readiness of 176 PARONOMASIA. the Legislature of Connecticut to grant divorces, that the result was the following impromptu: — For cut-ting all connections famed, Connect-i-cut is fairly named ; I twain connect in one, but you Cut those whom I connect in two. Each legislator seems to say, What you Connect I cut away. Finn, the comedian, issued the following raorceau upon the announcement of his benefit at the Tremont Theatre, Boston : — Like a grate full of coals I burn, A great, full house to see; And if I should not grateful prove, A great fool I should be. A FAIR LETTER. The following letter was received by a young lady at the post-office of a Fair held for the benefit of a church :— Fairest of the Fair. When such fair beings as you have the fair-ness to honor our Fair with your fair presence, it is perfectly fair that you should receive good fare from the fair conductors of this Fair, and indeed it would be very un-fair if you should not fare well, since it is the endeavor of those whose wel-fare depends upon the success of this Fair, to treat all who come fair-ly, but to treat with especial fair-ncss those who are as fair as yourself. We are engaged in a fair cause, a sacred w&r-fare; that is, to speak without un-fair-ness, a war-fare, not against the fair sex, but against the pockets of their beaux. We therefore hope, gentle reader, " still fair- est found where all is fair," that you will use all fair exer- tions in behalf of the praiseworthy af-fair which we have fair-\y undertaken. If you take sufficient interest in our wel-/are to lend your fair aid, you will appear fair-ex than ever in our sight; we will never treat you \m-fair-\y, and when you with- draw the light of your fair countenance from our Fair, we will bid you a kind .Fare-well. PARONOMASIA. 1 \ 7 The following was written on the occasion of a duel in Phila- delphia, several years ago : — Schott and Willing did cngago . In duel fierce and hot ; Schott shot Willing willingly, And Willing he shot Schott. The shot Schott shot made Willing quite A spectacle to see ; While Willing's willing shot went right Through Schott' s anatomy. WRITE WRITTEN RIOHT. Write we know is written right, When we see it written write ; But when wo see it written wright, We know it is not written right: For write, to have it written right, Must not be written right or wright, Nor yet should it be written rite ; But write, for so 'tis written right. TURN TO THE LEFT AS THE (ENGLISH) LAW DIRECTS. The laws of the Road are a paradox quite ; For when you are travelling along, If you keep to the left you're sure to bo right, If you keep to the right you'll be wrong. I cannot bear to see a bear, bear down upon a hare, When bare of hair he strips the hare, for hare I cry, "forbear!" ON THE DEATH OF TnE EARL OF KILDARE. Who killed Kildare ? Who dared Kildare to kill f Death answers, — I killed Kildare, and dare kill whom I will. A Ca/JALECTIC MONODY. A cat I sing of famous memory, Though eatachrestical my song may be : In a small garden catacomb she lies, And cataclysms fill her comrades' eyes ; Borne on the air, the cwtacoustic song Swells with her virtues' catalogue along; No cataplasm could lengthen out her years, Though mourning friends shed cataracts of tears. M 178 PARONOMASIA. Once loud and strong her catechist-like voice, It dwindled to a catcall's squeaking noise; Most categorical her virtues shone, By catenation joined each one to one; — But a vile catchpoll dog, with cruel bite, Like carting's cut, her strength disabled quite; Her caterwauling pierced the heavy air, As cataphracts their arms through legions bear; 'Tis vain ! as caterpillars drag away Their lengths, like cattle after busy day, She lingering died, nor left in kit kai the Embodiment of this catastrophe. NOVEMBER. (The humorous lines of Hood are only applicable to the English climate, where the closing month of autumn is syno- nymous with fogs, long visages, and suicides.) No sun — no moon ! No morn — no noon — No dawn — no dusk — no proper time of day — No sky — no earthly view — No distance looking blue — No roads — no streets — no t'other side the way — No end to any row — No indication where the crescents go- No tops to any steeple — No recognition of familiar people — No courtesies for showing 'em — No knowing 'em — No travellers at all — no locomotion- No inkling of the way — no motion — ' No go' by land or ocean — No mail — no post — No news from any foreign coast — No park — no ring — no afternoon gentility — No company — no nobility — No warmth — no cheerfulness — no healthful ease- No comfortable feel in any member — No shade — no Aine — no butterflies — no bees — No fruits — no flowers — no leaves — no birds — No-VEMBEE ! The name of that monster of brutality, Caliban, in Shakspeare's Tempest, Is supposod to be anagrammatic of Canibal, the old mode of spelling Cannibal. PARONOMASIA 179 A SWARM OF BEES. B patient, B prayerful, B huniblo, B mild, B wise as a Solon, B meek as a child; B studious, B thoughtful, B loving, B kind; B sure you make matter subservient to mind. B cautious, B prudent, B trustful, B true, B courteous to all men, B friendly with few. B temperate in argument, pleasure, and wine, B careful of conduct, of money, of tiino. B cheerful, B grateful, B hopeful, B firm, B peaceful, icnevolent, willing to learn ; B courageous, B gentle, B liberal, B just, B aspiring, B humble, because thou art dust; B penitent, circumspect, sound in the faith, B active, devoted; B faithful till death. B honest, B holy, transparent, and pure; B dependent, B Christ-like, and you'll B securt THE BEES OF THE BIBLE. Be kindly affectioned one to another. Be sober, and watch unto prayer. Be content with such things as ye have. Be strong in the Lord. Bo courteous. Be not wise in your own conceits. Bo not forgetful to entertain strangers. Be not children in understanding. Be followers of God, as dear children. Be not weary in well-doing. Be holy in all manner of conversation. Bo patient unto the coming of the Lord. Be clothed with humility. franklin's "re's." Dr. Franklin, in England in the year 1775, was asked by a Qobleman what would satisfy the Americans. He answered that it might easily be comprised in a few "Re's," wbir-.h he immediately wrote on a piece of paper, thus: — Ro-call your forces. Re-store Castle William. Re-pair the damage done to Boston. Re-peal your unconstitutional acts. Re-nounce your pretensions to taxes. Re-fund the duties you havo extorted. 180 PARONOMASIA. After this — Re-quire, and Re-ceive payment for the destroyed tea, with the voluntary grants of the Colonies; and then Re-joice in a happy Re-conciliation. THE MISS-NOMERS. After the manner of Horace Smith's "Surnames ever go by contraries" Miss Brown is exceedingly fair, Miss White is as brown as a berry ; Miss Black has a gray head of hair, Miss Graves is a flirt ever merry ; Miss Lightbody weighs sixteen stone, Miss Rich scarce can muster a guinea ; Miss Hare wears a wig, and has none, And Miss Solomon is a sad ninny ! Miss Mildmay's a terrible scold, Miss Dove's ever cross and contrary ; Miss Young is now grown very old, And Miss Heavyside's light as a fairy 1 Miss Short is at least five feet ten, Miss Noble's of humble extraction ; Miss Love has a hatred towards men, Whilst Miss Still is forever in action. Miss Green is a regular blue, Miss Scarlet looks pale as a lily ; Miss Violet ne'er shrinks from our view, And Miss Wiseman thinks all the men silly ! Miss Goodchild's a naughty young elf, Miss Lyon's from terror a fool j Miss Mee's not at all like myself, Miss Carpenter no one can rule. Miss Sadler ne'er mounted a horse, While Miss Groom from the stable will run ; Miss Kilmore can't look on a corse, And Miss Aimwell ne'er levelled a gun; Miss Greathead has no brains at all, Miss Heartwell is ever complaining ; Miss Dance has ne'er been at a ball, Over hearts Miss Fairweather likes reigning I Miss Wright, she is constantly wrong, Miss Tickell, alas ! is not funny ; Miss Singer ne'er warbled a song, And alas ! poor Miss Cash has no money ; PARONOMASIA. ],Sl Miss Hateman would give all she's worth, To purchase a man to her liking ; Miss Merry is shocked at all mirth, Miss Boxer the men don't find striking ! Miss Bliss does with sorrow o'erflow, Miss Hope in despair seeks the tomb ; Miss Joy still anticipates wo, And Miss Charity's never " at home !" Miss Ilamlet resides in the city, The nerves of Miss Standfast are shaken; Miss Prettyman's beau is not pretty, And Miss Faithful her love has forsaken ! Miss Porter despises all froth, Miss Scales they'll make wait, I am thinking; Miss Meekly is apt to be wroth, Miss Lofty to meanness is sinking; Vliss Seymore's as blind as a bat, Miss Last at a party is first ; tfiss Brindle dislikes a striped cat, And Miss Waters has always a thirst ! Miss Knight is now changed into Day, Miss Day wants to marry a Knight; Miss Prudence has just run away, And Miss Steady assisted her flight; But success to the fair, — one and all ! No miss-apprehensions be making ; — Though wrong the dear sex to miss-call, There's no harm, I should hope, in miss-taking. CROOKED COINCIDENCES. A pamphlet published in the year 1703 has the following strange title: "The Deformity of Sin cured; a Sermon preached at St. Michael's, Crooked-hue, before the Prince of Orange, by the Rev. J. Crookshanks. Sold by Matthew Denton, at the Crooked Billet near Cripple-gate, and by all other booksellers." The words of the text- are, " Even/ crooked path shall be made straight;" and the prince before whom it was preached was deformed in person. THE COURT-FOOL'S PUN ON ARCHBISHOP LAUD. Great praise to God, and little Laud to the devil. 16 182 ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OF EXPRESSION. SEnglisij saiorirs an& jf orms of ISxprcssimt. Dictionary English is something very different not only from common colloquial English, but even from that of ordinary written composition. Instead of about forty thousand words, there is probably no single author in the language from whose works, however voluminous, so many as ten thousand words could be collected. Of the forty thousand words there are certainly many more than one-half that are only employed, if they are ever employed at all, on the rarest occasions. We should be surprised to find, if we counted them, with how small a number of words we manage to express all that we have to say, either with our lips or with the pen. Our common literary English probably hardly amounts to ten thousand words; our common spoken English hardly to five thousand. Odd words are to be found in the dictionaries. Why they are kept there no one knows ; but what man in his senses would use such words as zythepsary for a brewhouse, and zymologist for a brewer ; would talk of a stormy day as procellous and himself as madefied ; of his longdegged son as increasing in procerity but sadly marcid ; of having met with such procacity from such a one ; of a bore as a macrologist ; of an aged horse as macrobi- otic ; of important business as moliminous, and his daughter's necklace as moniliform ; of some one's talk as meracious, and lament his last night's nimiety of wine at that dapatical feast, whence he was taken by ereption ? Open the dictionary at any page, and you will find a host of these words. By a too ready adoption of foreign words into the currency of the English language, we are in danger of losing much of its radical strength and historical significance. Marsh has compared the parable of the man who built his house upon the sand, as given by Matthew and Luke. Matthew uses the plain Saxon English. The learned Evangelist, Luke, employed a Latinized ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OP EXPRESSION. 183 dictionary. "Now," he says, ''compare the two passages and say which to every English ear, is the most impressive : " "And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it." — Matthew. "Against which the stream did beat vehemently, and imme- diately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great." — Luke. There can scarcely be a difference of opinion as to the relative force and beauty of the two versions, and consequently we find, that while that of Matthew has become proverbial, the narrative of Luke is seldom or never quoted. Trench says that the Anglo-Saxon is not so much one cle- ment of the English language, as the foundation of it — the basis. All its joints, its whole articulation, its sinews and its ligaments, the great body of articles, pronouns, conjunctions, prepositions, numerals, auxiliary verbs, all smaller words which serve to knit together and bind the larger into sentences, these — not to speak of the grammatical structure of the language — are exclusively Saxon. The Latin may contribute its tale of bricks, yea, of goodly and polished hewn stones to the spiritual building, but the mortar, with all that holds and binds these together, and constitutes them into a house, is Saxon throughout." As proof positive of the soundness of the above affirmation, the test is submitted that — "you can write a sentence without Latin, but you cannot without Saxon." The words of the Lord's Prayer are almost all Saxon. Our good old family Bible is a capital standard of it, and has done more than any other book for the conservation of the purity of our language. Our best writers, particularly those of Queen Anne's time, — Addison, Steele, Swift, &c, — were distinguished by their use of simple Saxon. SOURCES OP THE LANGUAGE. Some years ago, a gentleman, after carefully examining the folio edition of Johnson's Dictionary, formed the following tabid of English words derived from other languages : — 184 ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OP EXPRESSION. Latin 6,732 French 4,812 Saxon 1,6(55 Greek 1,148 Dutch 691 Italian 211 German 116 Welsh 95 Danish 75 Spanish 56 Icelandic 50 Swedish 34 Gothic 31 Hebrew 16 Teutonic 15 Arabic 13 Irish 6 Runic 4 Flemish 4 Erse 4 Syriac 3 Scottish 3 Irish and Erse 2 Turkish 2 Irish and Scottish... Portuguese Persian Frisi Persic Uncertain Total 15,7S4 NOUNS OP MULTITUDE. A foreigner looking at a picture of a number of vessels, said, " See what a flock of ships." He was told that a flock of ships was called a fleet, and that a fleet of sheep was called a flock. Arid it was added, for his guidance, in mastering the intricacies of our language, that a flock of girls is called a bevy, that a bevy of wolves is called a pack, and a pack of thieves is called a gang, and that a gang of angels is called a host, and that a host of porpoises is called a shoal, and a shoal of buffaloes is called a herd, and a herd of children is called a troop, and a troop of partridges is called a covey, and a covey of beauties is called a galaxy, and a galaxy of ruffians is called a horde, and a horde of rubbish is called a heap, and a heap of oxen is called a drove, and a drove of blackguards is called a mob, and a mob of whales is called a school, and a school of worshippers is called a congregation, and a congregation of engineers is called a corps, and a corps of robbers is called a band, and a band of locusts is called a swarm, and a swarm of people is called a crowd. DISRAELIAN ENGLISH. Mr. Disraeli gives us some queer English in his novel of Lothair, as may be seen in the following examples : — " He guarded over Lothair's vast inheritance;" ''Lothair observed on" a lady's singing; "of simple but distinguished mien, with a countenance naturally pale, though somewhat bronzed by a life of air and exercise, and a profusion of dark, auburn hair;" "he ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OP EXPRESSION. 185 engaged a vehicle and ordered to be driven to Leicester Square; " "he pointed to an individual seated in the centre of (he table;" "their mutual ancestors;" "Is there anything in the Tenebrce why I ought not to be present ? "; " thoughts which made him unconscious how long had elapsed ;" "with no companions than the wounded near them;" "The surgeon was sitting by her side, occasionally wiping the slight foam from her brow." We have heard of people foaming at the mouth, but never before of a lady foaming at the brow. "ye" for "the." Ye is sometimes used for the in old books wherein the is the more usual form, on account of the difficulties experienced by the printers in " spacing out." When pressed for room they put ye; when they had plenty of room they put the. Many people in reading old books pronounce the abbreviation ye. But the proper pronunciation is the, for the y is only a corruption of the old thorn-letter, or symbol for th. ITS. Sis is the genitive (or as we say, possessive) of he, (he's, — his,') and it or hit, as it was long written, is the neuter of he, the final t being the sign of the neuter. The introduction of its, as the neuter genitive instead of his, arose from a mis- conception, similar to that which would have arisen had the Romans introduced illudius as the neuter genitive of Me, instead of illius. Its very rarely occurs in our authorized version of the Bible, his or her being used instead — occurs but a few times in all Shakspeare — was unknown to Ben Jonson — was not admitted into his poems by Milton — and did not come into common use until sanctioned by Dryden. THAT. The use of the word That in the following examples is strictly in accordance with grammatical rules : — 16* 186 ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OF EXPRESSION. The gentleman said, in speaking of the word that, that that that that that lady parsed, was not that that that that gentleman requested her to analyze. Now, that is a word that may often be joined, For that that may be doubled is clear to the mind ; And that that that is right, is as plain to the view, As that that that that we use, is rightly used too, And that that that that that line has in it, is right — In accordance with grammar — is plain in our sight. I SAY. A gentleman who was in the habit of interlarding his dis- course with the expression " I say," having been informed by a friend that a certain individual had made some ill-natured re- marks upon this peculiarity, took the opportunity of addressing him in the following amusing style of rebuke: — "I say, sir, I hear say you say I say ' I say' at every word I say. Now, sir, although I know I say 'I say' at every word I say, still I say, sir, it is not for you to say I say ' I say' at every word I say." PATH-OLOGY. There once resided in Ayrshire a man who, like Leman, pro- posed to write an Etymological Dictionary of the English lan- guage. Being asked what he understood the word pathology to mean, he answered, with great readiness and confidence, "Why, the art of road-making, to be sure." THE PRONUNCIATION OF OTJGH. The difficulty of applying rules to the pronunciation of our language may be illustrated in two lines, where the combination of the letters ough is pronounced in no less than seven different ways, viz.: as o, uff, off, up, ow, oo, and ock : — Though the tough cough and hiccough plough me through, O'er life's dark lough my course I still pursue. ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OF EXPRESSION. 187 The following attempts to show the sound of ough, final, are ingenious : — Though from rough cough or hiccough free, That man has pain enough Whose wounds through plough, sunk in a slough, Or lough begin to slough. 'Tis not an easy task to show, How o, u, g, b, sound; since though, An Irish lough, an English slough, And cough, and hiccough, all allow Differ as much as tough and through, There seems no reason why they do. "Husband," says Joan, "'tis plain enough That Roger loves our daughter; And Betty loves him too, although She treats his suit with laughter. "For Roger always hems and coughs, While on the field he's ploughing; Then strives to see between the boughs, If Betty heeds his coughing. The following jeu d'esprit, entitled " A Literary Squabble on the pronunciation of Monckton Milnes's Title," is stated to have been the production of Lord Palmerston : — The Alphabet rejoiced to hear, That Monckton Milnes was made a peer; For in the present world of letters, But few, if any, were his betters. So an address, by acclamation, They voted, of congratulation. And U a H T and N Were chosen to take up the pen, Possessing each an interest vital In the new Peer's baronial title. 'Twas done in language terse and telling, Perfect in grammar and in spelling. But when 'twas read aloud — oh, mercy! There sprung up such a controversy 188 ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OP EXPRESSION. About the true pronunciation Of said baronial appellation. The vowels and U averred They were entitled to be heard. The consonants denied the claim, Insisting that they mute became. Johnson and Walker were applied to, Sheridan, Bailey, Webster, tried too ; But all in vain — for each picked out A word that left the case in doubt. 0, looking round upon them all, Cried, "If it be correct to call THROUGH tkroo, HOUGH must be Hoo ; Therefore there must be no dispute on The question, we should say Lord Hooton." U then did speak, and sought to show He should be doubled, and not 0, For sure if ought and awt, then nought on Earth could the title be but Hawton. H, on the other hand, said he, In cough and trough, stood next to G, And like an F was then looked oft on, Which made him think it should be Ho/ton. But G corrected H, and drew Attention other cases to : Lough, Rough and Chough, more than enough To prove U G H spelled uff, And growled out in a sort of gruff tone They must pronounce the title Hufton. N said emphatically No; For D U G H is Doh, And though (look there again) that stuff At sea for fun, they nickname Duff, He should propose they took a vote on The question should it not be Hoton ? Besides, in French 'twould have such force, A Lord must be huut ton, of course. High and more high contention rose, From words they almost came to blows, Till S, as yet, who had not spoke, And dearly loved a little joke, Put in his word, and said, " Look here, Plough in this row must have a share." At this atrocious pun, each page ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OP EXPRESSION. 189 Of Johnson whiter grew with rage. Bailey looked desperately cut up, And Sheridan completely shut up. Webster, who is no idle talker, Made a sign signifying Walker. While Walker, who had been used badly, Shook his old dirty dog-ears sadly. But as wo find in prose or rhyme, A joke, made happily in time, However poor, will often tend The hottest argument to end, And smother anger in a laugh, So S succeeded with his chaff, Containing, as it did, some wheat, In calming this fierce verbal heat. Authorities were all conflicting, And S there was no contradicting. P L U G H was Plow Even enough was called enow, And no one who preferred enough Would dream of saying " Speed the Pluff." So they considered it was wise With S to make a compromise, To leave no loop to hang a doubt on By giving three cheers for Lord Houghton (Huwton). EXCISE. The following curious document gives the opinion of Lord Mansfield, when Attorney-General, upon Dr. Johnson's defini- tion of the word Excise : — Case. Mr. Samuel Johnson has lately published a book, entitled A Dictionary of the English Language, in which the words are di Juced from their originals, and illustrated in their different significations by examples from the best writers. To ichich are prefixed a history of the Language, and an English grammar. Under the title "Excise" are the following words: — Excise, n. 8. (accijs Dutch ; exciswn, Latin,) a hateful lax levied upon commodities and adjudged not by the common judges of property, but wretches hired by those to whom Excise is paid. 190 ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OP EXPRESSION. The people should pay a ratable tax for their sheep, and an Excise for every thing which they should eat. — Hayward. Ambitious now to take excise Of a more fragrant paradise. — Cleveland. excise. With hundred rows of teeth the shark exceeds, And on all trades, like Cassowar, she feeds. — Marvel. Can hire large houses and oppress the poor By farmed Excise. — Dryden, Juvenal, Sat. 3. The author's definition being observed by the Commissioners of Excise, they desire the favor of your opinion : Qu. — Whether it will not be considered as a libel; and, if so, whether it is not proper to proceed against the author, print- ers, and publishers thereof, or any and which of them, by in- formation or how otherwise ? Opinion. I am of opinion that it is a libel ; but, under all the circum- stances, I should think it better to give him an opportunity of altering his definition ; and, in case he don't, threaten him with an information. w MuRRAY> 29th Nov. 1755. PONTIFF. Mr. Longfellow, in his Golden Legend, thus refers to the derivation of this word from pons (a bridge) an&facere (to make) : — Well has the name of Pontifex been given Unto the Church's head, as the chief builder And architect of the invisible bridge That leads from earth to heaven. ROUGH. Mr. Motley, in his History of the United Netherlands, IV. 138, thus ascribes the use of this word to Queen Elizabeth, of England, in her last illness : — ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OF EXPRESSION. 191 The great queen, moody, despairing, dying, wrapt in profoin thought, with eyes fixed upon the ground or already gazing into infinity was besought by the counsellors around bur to name the man to whom slio chose that the crown should devolve. " Not to a Rough," said Elizabeth, sententiously and grimly. These particulars are apparently given on the authority of the Italian Secretary, Scaranielli, whose language is quoted in a foot-note, and who says that the word Rough "in lingua inglese significa persona bassa e vile." Charles Dickens said, " I entertain so strong an objection to the euphonious softening of ruffian into rough, which has lately become popular, that I restore the right word to the heading of this paper." (The Ruffian, by the Uncommercial Traveler, All the Year Round.') " Lately popular " does not mean popular for two hundred and eighty years past, A word that has escaped the notice of the Grlossarists cannot have been in use early Lb the seventeenth century. That it should have been used in its modern sense by Queen Elizabeth, passes all bounds of belief. With all her faults she did not make silly unmeaning remarks; and it would have been extremely silly in her to say she did not wish a low ruffian to succeed her on the throne. If she uttered a word having the same sound, it might possibly have been ruff. The "ruff," though worn by men of the upper class, was in Queen Elizabeth's time an especially female article of dress, and the queen might have said, "I will have no ruff to succeed me," just as now-a-days one might say, "I will have no petticoat government." We want better authority than that of Scara- melli before we can believe that Elizabeth used either the word rough or ruff, when consulted as to her wishes respecting her successor. NOT AMERICANISMS. In Bartlett's Dictionary the term "stocMng-feet" is given as an Americanism. But the following ((notation from Thackeray's Newcomes (vol. i. ch. viii.) shows that this is an error : — 192 ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OP EXPRESSION. "Binnie found the Colonel in his sitting-room arrayed in what are called in Scotland his stocking-feet." Professor Tyndall, at the farewell banquet given in his honor by the citizens of New York, prior to his departure, in referring to his successful lecture-course in the United States, said he had had — to quote his words — " what you Americans call ' a good time.' " But this expression is not an Americanism. It is used by Dean Swift in his letter to Stella, (Feb. 24, 1710-11); " I hope Mrs. Wells had a good time." That not very elegant adjective bully, though found in Bart- lett, and used by Washington Irving cannot be claimed as an Americanism. Friar Tuck sings, in Scott's Icanhoe : — " Come troll the brown bowl to me, bully boy, Come troll the brown bowl to me." But to go further back, we find it in the burden of an old three-part song, "We be three poor Mariners," in Kavenscroft's Deleter omelia, 1609 : " Shall we go dance the round, the round, Shall we go dance the round ; And he that is a bully boy, Come pledge me on the ground." One of the words which the English used to class among Americanisms — ignorant that it was older and better English than their own usage — was Fall, used as the name of the third of the seasons. The English, corrupted by the Johnsonese of the Hanoverian reigns, call it by the Latinism, Autumn. But the other term, in general use on this side of the Atlantic, is the word by which all the old writers of the language know it. " The hole yere," says scholarly Roger Ascham in his Toxo- philus, "is divided into iiii. partes, Spring tyme, Sommer, Faule of the leafe, & Winter, whereof the hole winter for the rough- nesse of it, is' cleane taken away from shoting : except it be one day amonges xx., or one yeare amonges xi." ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OP EXPRESSION. 193 This statement, by the way, that exceptionally mild winters were in the ratio of one to eleven, is worth noting with reference to the recent announcement of science that the spots on the sun have an eleven-year period of maximum frequency. NO LOVE LOST BETWEEN THEM. In the ordinary acceptation of the words, " No love was lost between the two/' we are led to infer that the two were un very unfriendly terms, But in the ballad of The Babes in the Wood, as given in Percy's Rcliques, occur the following lines, which convey the contrary idea : — No love between this two was lost, Each was to other kind : In love they lived, in love they died, And left two babes behind. THE FORLORN HOPE. Military and civil writers of the present day seem quite ignorant of the true meaning of the words forlorn hope. The adjective has nothing to do with despair, nor the substantive with the " charmer which lingers still behind ; " there was no such poetical depth in the words as originally used. Every corps marching in an enemy's country had a small body of men at the head (haupt or hope) of the advanced guard ; and which was termed the forlorne hope (lorn being here but a termination similar to ward in forward,) while another small body at the head of the read-guard was culled the rere-lorn hope. A reference to Johnson's Dictionary shows that civilians were misled as early as the time of Dry den by the mere sound of a technical military phrase; and, in process of time, even military men forgot the true meaning of the words. And thus we easily trace the foun- dation of an error to which we are indebted for Byron's beautiful line : — The full of hope, misnamed forlorn. N ,17 194 ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OP EXPRESSION. QUIZ. This word, which is only in vulgar or colloquial use, and which some of the lexicographers have attemped to trace to learned roots, originated in a joke. Daly, the manager of a Dublin play-house, wagered that a word of no meaning should be the common talk and puzzle of the city in twenty-four hours. In the course of that time the letters quiz were chalked on all the walls of Dublin with an effect that won the wager. TENNYSON'S ENGLISH. Probably no poet ever more thoroughly comprehended the value of words in metrical composition than Mr. Tennyson, but he has issued a new coinage which is not pure. Compound epithets are modelled after the Greek or revived from the un- critical Elizabethan era. Thus, where we should naturally say " The bee is cradled in the lily," Mr. Tennyson writes, " The bee is lily-cradled." When a man's nose is broken at the bridge or a lady's turns up at the tip, the one is said to be "a nose bridge-broken," and the other (with much gallantry) to be "tip- tilted, like the petal of a flower." The movement of the metre again is very peculiar. Discard- ing Milton's long and complex periods, Mr. Tennyson has re- stored blank verse to an apparently simple rhythm. But this simplicity is in fact the result of artifice, and, under every variety of movement, the ear detects the recurrence of a set type. One of the poet's favorite devices is to pause on a monosyllable at the beginning of a line, and this affect is repeated so often as to remind the reader of Euripides and his unhappy "oil flask" in TJie Frogs. Take the following instances: — And the strange sound of an adulterous race, Against the iron grating of her cell Beat. A sound As of a silver horn across the hills Blown. And then the music faded, and the Grail Passed. His eyes became so like her own they seemed Hers. ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OF EXPRESSION. 195 "THAT MINE ADVERSARY HAD WRITTEN A BOOK." This passage from Job xxxi. 35, is frequently misapplied, being interpreted as if it had reference to a book, or writi: commonly understood. It means rather, according to Gesenius, a charge or accusation. Pierius makes it " libellum accusa- tionis," and Grotius, " scriptam accusationem " Scott expresses this in his Commentary : — "Job challenged his adversary, or accuser, to produce a libel or written indictment against him : he was confident that it would prove no disgrace to him, but an honor; as every article would be disproved, and the reverse be manifested." Other commentators understand it as meaning a record of Job's life, or of his sufferings. Coverdale translates : — " And let him that my contrary party sue me with a lybell." In the Genevan version it is, " Though mine adversarie should write a book against me" In the Bishop's Bible, 1595. "Though mine adversarie write a book against me." The meaning seems to have become obscured in our version by retaining the English book instead of the Latin libel, but omitting the words in italics, "against me." ECCENTRIC ETYMOLOGIES. To trace the changes of form and meaning which many of the words of our language have undergone is no easy task. There are words as current with us as with our forefathers, the significance of which, as we use them, is very different from that of their primitive use. And, in many instances, they have wandered, by courses more or less tortuous, so far from their original meaning as to make it almost impossible to follow the track of divergence. Hence, it is easy to understand why it has been said that the etymologist, to be successful, must have "an instinct like the special capabilities of the pointer." But there are derivations which are only revealed by accident, or stumbled upon in unexpected ways, and which, in the regular 196 ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OF EXPRESSION. course of patient search, would never have been elicited. The following illustrative selections will interest the general reader. Bombastic. — This adjective has an odd derivation. Origin- ally bombast (from the Latin bombax, cotton) meant nothing but cotton wadding, used for filling or stuffing. Shakspeare employs it in this sense in Love's Labor Lost, v. 2. As bombast and as living to the time. Decker, in his Safyromastix, says, "You shall swear not to bombast out a new play with the old linings of jests." And Guazzo, Civile Conversation, 1591, — " Studie should rather make him leane and thinne, and pull out the bombast of his corpulent doublet." Hence, by easy transition from the falseness of padding or puffing out a figure, bombast came to signify swelling preten- tiousness of speech and conduct as an adapted meaning; and gradually this became the primary and only sense. Buxom. — This word is simply bow-some or bough -some, i. e., that which readily bows, or bends, or yields like the boughs of a tree. No longer ago than when Milton wrote boughsome, which as gh in English began to lose its guttural sound, — that of the letter chi in Greek, — came to be written buxom, meant simply yielding, and was of general application. " and, this once known, shall soon return, And bring ye to the place where thou and Death Shall dwell at ease, and up and down unseen Wing silently the buxom air." — Paradise Lost, II. 840. But aided, doubtless, as Dr. Johnson suggests, by a too liberal construction of the bride's promise in the old English marriage ceremony, to be "obedient and buxom in bed and board," it came to be applied to women who were erroneously thought likely to be thus yielding; and hence it now means plump, rosy, alluring, and is applied only to women who combine those qualities of figure, face and expression. ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OF EXPRESSION. 197 Cadaver. — An abbot of Cirencester, about 1210, conceived himself an etymologist, and, as a specimen of his powers, has left us the Latin word cadaver, acorp.se, thus dissected: — "Ca," quoth he, is abbreviated for caro; "da" for data; "ver" for vermibus. Hence we have " caro data vermibus," flesh given to the worms. Yet while the reader smiles at this curious absurdity, it is worth while to note that the word alms is constructed upon a similar principle, being formed (according to the best authority) of letters, taken from successive syllables of the cumbrous La- tinized Greek word eleemosyna. Canard. — This is the French for duck, and the origin of its application to hoaxing is said to be as follows: — To ridicule a growing extravagance in story-telling a clever journalist stated that an interesting experiment had just been made, calculated to prove the extraordinary voracity of ducks. Twenty of these animals had been placed together, and one of them having been killed and cut up into the smallest possible pieces, feathers and all, and thrown to the other nineteen, had been gluttonously gobbled up in an exceedingly brief space of time. Another was taken from the remaining nineteen, and being chopped small like its predecessor, was served up to the eighteen, 'and at once devoured like the other; and so on to the last, which was thus placed in the remarkable position of having eaten his nineteen companions in a wonderfully short space of time! All this, most pleasantly narrated, obtained a success which the writer was far from anticipating, for the story ran the rounds of all the journals in Europe. It then became almost forgotten for about a score of years, when it came back from America, with an amplification which it did not boast of at the commence- ment, and with a regular certificate of the autopsy of the body of the surviving animal, whose esophagus was declared to have been seriously injured ! Since then fabrications of this cha- racter have been called canards. 17* 198 ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OF EXPRESSION. Chum. — A schoolboy's letter, written two centuries ago, has lately revealed that chum is a contraction from "chamber- fellow." Two students dwelling together found the word un- wieldly, and, led by another universal law of language, they shortened it in the most obvious way. Dandy. — Bishop Fleetwood says that " dandy " is derived from a silver coin of small value, circulated in the reign of Henry VIII., and called a " dandy-prat." Dunce. — This word comes to us from the celebrated Duns Scotus, chief of the Schoolmen of his time. He was " the subtle doctor by preeminence;" and it certainly is a strange perversion that a scholar of his great ability should give name to a class who hate all scholarship. "When at the Reformation and revival of learning the works of the Schoolmen fell into extreme disfavor with the Reformers and the votaries of the new learning, Duns, the standard-bearer of the former, was so often referred to with scorn and contempt by the latter that his name gradually became the by-word it now is for hopeless ig- norance and invincible stupidity. The errors and follies of a set were fastened upon their distinguished head. Says Tyn- dale, 1575,— " Remember ye not how within this thirty years, and far less, and yet dureth unto this day, the old barking curs, Dunce's disciples, and like draff called Scotists, the children of darkness, raged in every pulpit against Greek, Latin and Hebrew?" Eating humble-pie. — The phrase " eating humble-pie " is traced to the obsolete French word "ombles" entrails; pies for the household servants being formerly made of the entrails of animals. Hence, to take low or humble ground, to submit one's self, came familiarly to be called eating "humble" or rather "umble" pie. The word "umbles" came to us from the Nor- man conquest, and though now obsolete, retains its place in ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OF EXPRESSION. 199 the lexicons of Worcester and Webster, who, however, explain the entrails to be those of the deer only. Fiasco. — A German, one day, seeing a glassblower at his oc- cupation, thought nothing could be easier than glassblowing, and that he could soon learn to blow as well as the workman. Pie accordingly commenced operations by blowing yigoron but could only produce a sort of pear-shaped balloon or little flask (fiasco). The second attempt had a similar result, and so on, until fiasco after fiasco had been made. Hence arose the expression which we not infrequently have occasion to use when describing the result of our undertakings. Fudge. — This is a curious word, having a positive personality underlying it. Such at least it is, if Disraeli's account thereof be authentic. He quotes from a very old pamphlet entitled Remarks upon the Navy, wherein the author says, " There was in our time one Captain Fudge, commander of a merchantman, who upon his return from a voyage, how ill fraught soever his ship was, always brought home his owners a good crop of lies ; so much that now, aboard ship, the sailors when they hear a great lie told, cry out, ' You fudge it'." The ship was the Black Eagle, and the time, Charles II. ; and thence the mono- syllabic name of its untruthful captain comes to us for excla- mation when we have reason to believe assertions ill-founded. Gossip. — This is another of that class of words which by the system of moral decadence that Trench has so ably illustra- ted as influencing human language, has come to be a term of unpleasant reproach. In some parts of the country, by the "gossips" of a child are meant his »od-parents, who take vows for him at his baptism. The connection between these two actual uses of the word is not so far to seek as one might suppose. Chaucer shows us that those who stood sponsors for an infant were considered "sib" or kin, to each other in God: thus the double syllables were compounded. Verstigan says : — 200 ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OP EXPRESSION. " Our Christian ancestors understanding a spirituall affinitie for to grow between the parents, and such as undertooke for the childe at baptisnie, called each other by the name of God-sib, which is as much as to say as that they were sib together, i. e. of kin together, through God." The Roman church forbids marriage between persons so united in a common vow, as she believes they have contracted an essential spiritual relationship. But from their affinity in the in- terests of the child they were brought into much converse with one another; and as much talk almost always degenerates into idle talk, and personalities concerning one's neighbors, and the like, so " gossips " finally came to signify the latter, when the former use of it was nearly forgotten. It is remarkable that the French "commerage" has passed through identically the same perversion. Grog. — Admiral Vernon, whose ardent devotion to his profes- sion had endeared him to the British naval service, was in the habit of walking the deck, in bad weather, in a rough grogram cloak, and thence had obtained the nickname of Old Grog. Whilst in command of the West India station, and at the height of his popularity on account of his reduction of Porto Bello with six men-of-war only, he introduced the use of rum and water among the ship's company. When served out, the new beverage proved most palatable, and speedily grew into such favor that it became as popular as the brave admiral himself, and in honor of him was surnamed by acclamation " Grog." Hocus-pocus. — According to Tillotson, this singular expres- sion is believed to be a corruption of the transubstantiating formula, Hoc est corpus meum, used by the priest on the elevation of the host. Turner, in his history of the Anglo- Saxons, traces it to Ochus Bochus, a magician and demon of the northern mythology. We should certainly prefer the latter as the source of this conjurer's catch-word, which the usage of ENGLISH WORDS AiND FORMS OF EXPRESSION. 201 ordinary life connects with jugglery or unfair dealing, but preponderant evidence is in favor of the former. Malingerer. — This word, brought much into use by tlic exi- gencies of our civil war, is from the French "malin gre," and signifies a soldier who from "evil will" shirks his duty bj feigning sickness, or otherwise rendering himself incapable : in plain words, a poltroon. Mustard. — Etymologists have fought vigorously over the derivation of this word. " Multum ardct," says one, or in old French, " moult arde," it burns much. " Mustuni aniens, hot must, says another, referring to the former custom of preparing French mustard for the table with the sweet must of new wine. A picturesque story about the name is thus told: — Philip the Bold, Duke of Burgundy, granted to Dijon certain armorial bearings, with the motto " Moult me tarde" — I long or wish ardently. This was sculptured over the principal gate. In the course of years, by some accident, the central word was effaced. The manufacturers of sinapi or seneve (such were the former names of mustard), wishing to label their pots of condiment with tho city arms, copied the mutilated motto; and the un- learned, seeing continually the inscription of "moult-tarde," fell into the habit of calling the contents by this title. Navvy. — Many persons have been puzzled by the application of this word, abbreviated from navigator, to laborers. Why should earth-workers be called navigators? They whose busi- ness is with an element antipodean to water, why receive a title as of seafaring men? At the period when inland nai tion was the national rage, and canals were considered to involve the essentials of prosperity, as railways are now, the workmen employed on them were called "navigators," as cutting the way for navigation. And when railways superseded canals, (he name of the laborers, withdrawn from one work to the other, was uuchanged, and merely contracted, according to the dis- 202 ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OF EXPRESSION. like of our Anglo-Saxon tongues to use four syllables where a less number will suffice. Neighbor. — Formerly this familiar word was employed to signify "the boor who lives nigh to us." And just here is an- other of those words which have been degraded from their original sense ; for boor did not then represent a stupid, igno- rant lout, but simply a farmer, as in Dutch now. Poltroon. — In the olden days the Norman-French "poltroon" had a significance obsolete now : days when Strongbow was a noble surname, and the yew-trees of England were of impor- tance as an arm of national defence; then the coward or malin- gerer had but to cut off the thumb ("pollice truncus" in Latin) — the thumb which drew the bow, and he was unfit for service, and must be discharged. Porpoise. — The common creature of the sea, whose gambols have passed into a jest and a proverb, the porpoise, is so named because of his resemblance to a hog when in sportive mood. " Porc-poisson," said somebody who watched a herd of them tumbling about, for all the world like swine, except for the sharp dorsal fin; and the epithet adhered. Scrape. — Long ago roamed through the forests the red and fallow deer, which had a habit of scraping up the earth with their fore-feet to the depth of several inches, sometimes even of half a yard. A wayfaring man through the olden woods was frequently exposed to the danger of tumbling into one of these hollows, when he might truly be said to be "in a scrape." Cambridge students in their little difficulties picked up and ap- plied the phrase to other perplexing matters which had brought a man morally into a fix. Sterling. — This word was originally applied to the metal rather than to a coin. The following extract from Camden points out its origin as applied to money : — ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OF EXPRESSION. 203 In the time of his sonne King Richard the First, monie coined in the east parts of Germanie b< *an to be of especial] request in England for the puritie thereof, and was called Easterling monie, as all the inhabitants of tho.se parts called Easterlings, and shortly after some of that countrie, skil- ful in mint matters and alloies, were sent for into this realm bring the coins to perfection, which, since that time, was called of them sterling for EasU rlings. Surplice. — That scholastic and ministerial badge, the sur- plice, is said to derive its name from the Latin "superpelliceum," because anciently worn over leathern coats made of bides of beasts; with the idea of representing bow the sin of our first parents is now covered by the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, so that we are entitled to wear the emblem of innocence. Sycophant. — The original etymology of the word sycophant is curious. The word auxofavriu (from ffuxov, a fig, and (faivco, to show,) in its primary signification, means to inform against or expose those who exported figs from Athens to other places without paving duty, hence it came to signify calumnior, to accuse falsely, to be a tale-bearer, an evil speaker of others. The word sycophanta means, in its first sense, no more than this. We now apply it to any flatterer, or other abject depen- dant, who, to serve his own purposes, slanders and detracts from others. Tariff. — Because payment of a fixed scale of duties was de- manded by the Moorish occupants of a fortress on Tarifa promontory, which overlooked the entrance to the Mediterra- nean, all taxes on imports came to be called a tariff. Treacle. — A remarkable curiosity in the way of derivations is one traced by that indefatigable explorer, Archbishop Trench, which connects treacle with vipers. The syrup of molasses with the poison of snakes! Never was an odder relationship; yet it is a case of genuine fatherhood, and embodies a singular superstition. The ancients believed that the best antidote to 204 ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OP EXPRESSION. the bite of the viper was a confection of its own flesh. The Greek word ftyptaxij, flesh of the viper, was given first to such a sweetmeat, and then to any antidote of poison, and lastly to any syrup ; and easily corrupted into our present word. Chaucer has a line — Christ, which that is to every harm triaele. Milton speaks of the "sovran treacle of sound doctrine." A stuff called Venice Treacle was considered antidote to all poisons. " Vipers treacle yield," says Edmund Waller, in a verse which has puzzled many a modern reader, and yet brings one close to the truth of the etymology, and shows that treacle is only a popular corruption of theriac. Wig. — This word may be cited as a good example to show how interesting and profitable it is to trace words through their etymological windings to their original source. Wig is abridged from periwig, which comes from the Low Dutch peruik, which has the same meaning. When first introduced into the English language, it was written and pronounced perwick, the u being changed into tc, as may still be seen in old English books. Afterwards the % was introduced for euphony, and it became periicick; and finally the ch was changed into g, making it periwig, and by contraction wig. The Dutch word peruik was borrowed from the French per- ruque. The termination uik is a favorite one with that nation, and is generally substituted in borrowed words for the French uque and the German audi. The French word perruque comes from the Spanish peluca, and this last from pelo, hair, which is derived from the Latin pilus. Hence the Latin word pilus, hair, through successive transformations, has produced the English word icig. Wind/all. — Centuries ago a clause was extant in the tenure of many English estates, to the effect that the owners might not fell the trees, as the best timber was reserved for the Koyal Navy; but any trees that came down without cutting were the ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OP EXPRESSION. 205 property of the tenant. Hence was a storm a joyful and a lucrative event in proportion to its intensity, and the larger the number of forest patriarchs it laid low the richer was the lord of the land. He had received a veritable "windfall." Ours in the nineteenth century come in the shape of any unexpected profit; and those of us who own estates rather quake in sym- pathy with our trembling trees on windy nights. ODD CHANGES OP SIGNIFICATION. The first verse of Dean Whittingham's version of the 11 1th Psalm may be quoted as a curious instance of a phrase origin- ally grave in its meaning become strangely incongruous: — When Israel by God's address From Pharaoh's land was bent, And Jacob's house the strangers left And in the same train went. Since the completion of the Pacific Railway, some intro- ductory lines in Southey's Thcdaba require correction: — Who at this untimely hour Wander o'er the desert sands? No station is in view. If the author would revisit the earth, he would find numerous "stations" on the railway route across the Great American Desert. Among funny instances of wresting from a text a meaning to suit a particular purpose, is that of the classical scholar who undertook to prove that the word "smile" was used as a euphe- mism for a drink in ancient times, by quoting from Horace's Odes: — Amara lento temperat risu. Which is rendered by Martin : — Meets life's bitters with a jest, And smiles them down. 18 20G ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OP EXPRESSION. By lento rim, it was argued, is clearly meant a slow smile, or one taken through a straw ! The meaning of the word Wretch is one not generally under- stood. It was originally, and is now, in some parts of England, used as a term of the softest and fondest tenderness. This is not the only instance in which words in their present general acceptation bear a very opposite meaning to what they did in Shakspeare's time. The word Wench, formerly, was not used in the low and vulgar acceptation that it is at present. Damsel was the appellation of young ladies of quality, and Dame a title of distinction. Knave once signified a servant; and in an early translation of the New Testament, instead of "Paul, the Servant," we read "Paul, the Knave of Jesus Christ," or, Paul, a rascal of Jesus Christ, Varlet was formerly used in the same sense as valet. On the other hand, the word Companion, instead of being the honorable synonym of Associate, occurs in the play of Othello with the same contemptuous meaning which we now affix, in its abusive sense, to the word "Fellow;" for Emilia, perceiving that some secret villain had aspersed the character of the virtuous Desdemona, thus indignantly ex- claims : — Heaven! that such Companions thou'dst unfold, And put in every honest hand a whip, To lash the rascal naked through the world. — iv. 2. Villi in formerly meant a bondman. In feudal law, according to Blackstone, the term was applied to those who held lands and tenements in villenage, — a tenure by base services. Pedant formerly meant a schoolmaster. Shakspeare says in his Twelfth Night, — A pedant that keeps a school in the church. — iii. 2. Bacon, in his Pathway unto Prayer, thus uses the word Imp : " Let us pray for the preservation of the King's most excellent Majesty, and for the prosperous success of bis entirely beloved son Edward our Prince, that most angelic imp." ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OF EXPRESSION. 207 The word brat is not considered very elegant now, but a few years ago it bad a different signification from its present one. An old hymn or De profundis, by Gascoine, contains the lines, — " Israel, household of the Lord, Abraham's brats, brood of blessed seed, chosen shoep that loved the Lord indeed." It is a somewhat noticeable fact, that the changes in the signification of words have generally been to their deteriora- tion ; that is, words that heretofore had no sinister meaning have acquired it. The word cunning, for example, formerly meant nothing sinister or undcrhauded; and in Thrope's con- fession in Fox's "Book of Martyrs" is the sentence, " I believe that all these three persons [in the Godhead] are even in power, and in cunning, and in might, full of grace and of all goodness." Demure is another of this class. It was used by earlier writers without the insinuation which is now almost latent in it, that the external shows of modesty and sobriety rest on no corresponding realities. Explode formerly meant to drive off the stage with loud clappings of the hands, but gradually became exaggerated into its present signification. Facetious, too, originally meant urbane, but now has so degene- rated as to have acquired the sense of buffoonery; and Mr. Trench sees indications that it will ere long acquire the sense of indecent buffoonery. Frippery now means trumpery and odds and ends of cheap finery; but once it meant old clothes of value, and not worth- less, as the term at present implies. The word Gossip for- merly meant only a sponsor in baptism. Sponsors were sup- posed to become acquainted at the baptismal font, and by their sponsorial act to establish an indefinite affinity towards each other and the child. Thus the word was applied to all who were familiar and intimate, and finally obtained the meaning which is now predominant in it. Homely once meant secret and familiar, though in the time of Milton it had acquired the same sense as at present. Idiot, 208 ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OF EXPRESSION. from the Greek, originally signified only a private man as dis- tinguished from one in public office, and from that it has de- generated till it has come to designate a person of defective mental powers. License once meant to kindle not only anger, but good passions as well; Fuller uses it in the sense of "to incite." Indolence originally signified a freedom from passion or pain, but now implies a condition of languid non-exertion. Insolent was once only "unusual." The derivation of lumber is peculiar. As the Lombards were the bankers, so they were also the pawnbrokers, of the Middle Ages. The " lumber-room" was then the place where the Lombard banker and broker stored his pledges, and lumber gradually came to mean the pledges themselves. As these naturally accumulated till they got out of date or became un- serviceable, it is easy to trace the steps by which the word descended to its present meaning. Obsequious implies an unmanly readiness to fall in with the will of another; but in the original obsequium, or in the English word as employed two centuries ago, there was nothing of this : it rather meant obedience and mildness. Shakspeare, speaking of a deceased person, says, — " How many a holy and obsequious tear Hath dear religious love stolen from mine eye, As interest of the dead." Property and propriety were once synonymous, both refer- ring to material things, as the French word propriete does now. Foreigners do not often catch the distinction at present made in English between the two words ; and we know a French gentleman who, recently meeting with some pecuniary reverses, astonished his friends by telling them that he had lost all his " propriety." A poet is a person who writes poetry, and, according to the good old customs, a proser was a person who wrote prose, and simply the antithesis of poet. The word has now a sadly differ- ent signification; and it would not be considered very respect- able to term Addison, Irving, Bancroft, or Everett " prosers." ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OP EXPRESSION. 209 INFLUENCE OF NAMES. The Romans, from the time they expelled their kings, could never endure the idea of being governed by a Icing. But they submitted to the most abject slavery under an emperor. And Oliver Cromwell did not venture to risk disgusting the repub- licans by calling himself king, though under the title of Prr»- tector he exercised regal functions. The American colonies submitted to have their oummerce and their manufactures crippled by restrictions avowedly for the benefit of the mother-country, and were thus virtually taxed to the amount of all that they in any instance lost by paying more for some article than it would cost to make it themselves, or to buy it of foreigners. But as soon as a tax was imposed under that name, they broke out into rebellion. It is a marvel to many, and seems to them nearly incredible, that the Israelites should have gone after other gods ; and yet the vulgar in most parts of Christendom are actually serving the gods of their heathen ancestors. But then they do not call them gods, but fairies or bogles, etc., and they do not apply the word worship to their veneration of them, nor sacri- fice to their offerings. And this slight change of name keeps most people in ignorance of a fact that is before their eyes. Others, professed Christians, are believed, both by others and by themselves, to be worshippers of the true God, though they invest him with the attributes of one of the evil demons worshipped by the heathen. There is hardly any professed Christian who would not be shocked at the application of the word caprice to the acts of the Most High. And yet his choosing to inflict suffering on his creatures "for no cause" (as some theologians maintain) " except that such is his will" is the very definition of caprice. But when Lord Byron published his poem of " Cain," which contains substantially the very same doctrine, there was a great outcry among pious people, including, no doubt, many who were of the theological school which teaches the same, under other names. 18* 210 ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OF EXPRESSION. Why and how any evil comes to exist in the universe, reason cannot explain, and revelation does not tell us. But it does show us what is not the cause. That it cannot be from ill will or indifference, is proved by the sufferings undergone by the beloved Son. Many probably would have hesitated if it had been proposed to them to join a new Church under that name, who yet eagerly enrolled themselves in the Evangelical Alliance, — which is iu fact a church, with meetings for worship, aud sermons under the name of speeches, and a creed consisting of sundry Articles of Faith to be subscribed ; only not called by those names. Mrs. B. expressed to a friend her great dread of such a medicine as tartar-emetic. She always, she said, gave her children antimonial wine. He explained to her that this is tartar-emetic dissolved in wine ; but she remained unchanged. Mrs. H. did not like that her daughters should be novel- readers ', and all novels in prose were indiscriminately prohi- bited ; but arty thing in verse was as indiscriminately allowed. Probably a Quaker would be startled at any one's using the very words of the prophets, " Thus saith the Lord :" yet he says the same things in the words, " The Spirit moveth me to say so and so." And some, again, who would be shocked at this, speak of a person, — adult or child, — who addresses a con- gregation in extempore prayers and discourses, as being under the influence of the Holy Sjnrit ; though in neither case is there any miraculous proof given. And they abhor a claim to infallibility ; only they are quite certain of being under the guidance of the Spirit in whatever they say or do. Quakers, again, and some other dissenters, object to a hired ministry, (in reality, an wnhired ;) but their preachers are to be supplied with all they need; like the father of Moliere's Bourgeois, who was no shopkeeper, but kindly chose yoods for his friends, which he let them have for money. ENGLISH WORDS AND FORMS OP EXPRESSION. 211 COMPOUND EPITHETS. The custom of using hard compounds furnished Ben Jonson opportunities of showing his learning as well as his satire. He used to call them "words un-in-one-breath-utterable." Redi mentions an epigram against the sophists, made up of com- pounds "a mile long." Joseph Scaliger left a curious exam- ple in Latin, part of which may be thus rendered into Eng- lish:— Loftybrowflourishers, Noseinbeardwallowers, Brigandbeardnourishers, Dishandallswallowers, Oldcloakinvestitors, Barefootlookfashioners, Nightprivatcfeasteaters, Craftlucubrationers ; Youthcheaters, Wordcatchers, Vaingloryosophcrs, Such are your seekersofvirtue philosophers. The old naturalist Lovell published a book at Oxford, in 1661, entitled Panzooloyicomineralogia. Rabelais proposed the following title for a book: — Antipericatametaparhengedam- phicribrationes. The reader of Shakspeare will remember Cos- tard's honorijicabililudinitatibus, in Love's Labor Lost, v. 1. There was recently in the British army a major named Tcyo- ninhokarawen. In the island of Mull, Scotland, is a locality named Drimtaidhorickhillichattan. The original Mexican for country curates is Notlazomahnitzteopixcatatzins. The longest Nipmuck word in Eliot's Indian Bible is in St. Mark i. 40, Wutteppesittukqussunnoowehtunkqitoh, and signifies " kneeling down to him." OUR VERNACULAR IN CHAUCER'S TIME. But rede tbat boweth down for every blaste Ful lyghtly cesse wynde, it wol aryse But so nyle not an oke, when it is caste It ncdoth ine nought longe the forvyse Men shall reioysen of a great emprise Atchewed wel and stant withouten dout Al haue men ben the longer there about. — Troylue, iL 212 TALL WRITING. £all MrttutQ. DEFINITION OF TRANSCENDENTALISM. The spiritual cognoscence of psychological irrefragibility connected with concutient ademption of incolumnient spiritual- ity and etherialized contention of subsultory concretion. Translated by a New York lawyer, it stands thus : — Transcendentalism is two holes in a sand-bank : a storm washes away the sand-bank without disturbing the holes. THE DOMICILE ERECTED BY JOHN. Translated from the Vulgate. Behold the Mansion reared by dasdal Jack. See the malt stored in many a plethoric sack, In the proud cirque of Ivan's bivouac. Mark how the Rat's felonious fangs invade The golden stores in John's pavilion laid. Anon, with velvet foot and Tarquin strides, Subtle Grimalkin to his quarry glides, — Grimalkin grim, that slew the fierce rodent "Whose tooth insidious Johann's sackcloth rent. Lo ! now the deep-mouthed canine foe's assault, That vexed the avenger of the stolen malt, Stored in the hallowed precincts of that hall That rose complete at Jack's creative call. Here stalks the impetuous Cow with crumpled horn, Whereon the exacerbating hound was torn, Who bayed the feline slaughter-beast that slew The Rat predacious, whose keen fangs ran through The textile fibers that involved the grain Which lay in Hans' inviolate domain. Here walks forlorn the Damsel crowned with rue, Lactiferous spoils from vaccine dugs, who drew, Of that corniculate beast whose tortuous horn Tossed to the clouds, in fierce vindictive scorn, The harrowing hound, whoso braggart bark and stir Arched the lithe spine and reared the indignant fur TALL WRITING. 213 Of Puss, that with veruiinicidal claw Struck the weird rat in whose insatiate maw Lay reeking malt that erst in Juan's courts we saw, Robed in senescent garb that seems in sooth Too long a prey to Chronos' iron tooth. Behold the man whose amorous lips incline, Full with young Eros' osculative sign, To the lorn maiden whose lact-albic hands Drew albu-lactic wealth from lacteal glands Of that immortal bovine, by whose horn Distort, to realm ethereal was borne The beast catulean, vexer of that sly Ulysses quadrupedal, who made die The old mordacious Rat that dared devour Anteeedaneous Ale in John's domestic bower. Lo, here, with hirsute honors doffed, succinct Of saponaceous locks, the Priest who linked Lu Hymen's golden bands the torn unthrift, Whose means exiguous stared from many a rift, Even as he kissed the virgin all forlorn, Who milked the cow with implicated horn, Who in fine wrath the canine torturer skied, That dared to vex the insidious muricide, Who let auroral effluence through the pelt Of the sly Rat that robbed the palace Jack had built. The loud cantankerous Shanghae comes at last, Whose shouts arouse the shorn ecclesiast, Who sealed the vows of Hymen's sacrament, To him who, robed in garments indigent, Exosculates the damsel lachrymose, The emulgator of that horned brute morose, That tossed the dog, that worried the cat, that kilt The rat, that ate the malt, that lay in the house that Jack built FROM THE CURIOSITIES OF ADVERTISING. TO BE LET, Tt, an Oppidan, a Ruricolist, or a Cosmopolitan, and may be entered upon immediately : The House in Stone Row, lately possessed by Capt. Siree. To avoid Verbosity, the Proprietor with Compendiosity will give a Perfunctory description of the Premises, in the Compa- gination of which he has Sedulously studied the convenience of 214 TALL WRITING. the Occupant. It is free from Opacity, Tenebrosity, Fumidity, and Injucundity, and no building can have greater Pellucidity or Translucency — in short, its Diaphaneity even in the Cre- puscle makes it like a Pharos, and without laud, for its Agglu- tination and Amenity, it is a most Delectable Commorance j and whoever lives in it will find that the Neighbors have none of the Truculcnce, the Immanity, the Torvity, the Spinosity, the Putidness, the Pugnacity, nor the Fugacity observable in other parts of the town, but their Propinquity and Consanguinity occasion Jocundity and Pudicity — from which, and the Redo- lence of the place (even in the dog-days), they are remarkable for Longevity. For terms and particulars apply to James Hutchinson, opposite the Market-House. — Dub. News. FROM THE CURIOSITIES OF THE POST-OFFICE. The following is a genuine epistle, sent by an emigrant coun- try schoolmaster to a friend at home : — Mr M Connors With congruous gratitude and decorum I accost to you this debonnaire communication. And announce to you with ami- cable Complacency that we continually enjoy competent lauda- ble good health, thanks to our omnipotent Father for it. We are endowed with the momentous prerogatives of respectable operations of a supplement concuity of having a fine brave and gallant youthful daughter the pendicity ladies age is four months at this date, we denominated her Margaret Connolly. I have to respond to the Communication and accost and re- mit a Convoy revealing with your identity candor and sincerity. If your brother who had been pristinely located and stationed in England whether he has induced himself with ecstasy to be in preparation to progress with you. I am paid by the re- spectable potent loyal nobleman that I work for one dollar per day. Announce to us in what Concuity the crops and the products of husbandry dignify, also predict how is John Carroll and his wife and family. My brother and Myself are continu- TALL WRITING. 215 ally employed and occupied in similar work. Living and doing good. Dictate how John Mahouy wife and family is Don't you permit oblivion to obstruct you from inserting this. Prognosticate how Mrs Harriugton is and if she accept my in- telligence or any convoy from either of Her 2 progenies since their embarkation for this nation. If she has please specify with congruous and elysian gratitude with validity and veracity to my magnanimous self. I remit my respects to my former friends and acquaintances. I remain D. Connolly. P. S. Direct your Epistle to Pembroke, State of Maine. Dear brother-in-law I am determined and candidly arrive at Corolary, as I am fully resolved to transfer a sufficient portion of money to you to recompense your liabilities from thence to hence. I hope your similar operations will not impede any occurrence that might obstruct your progression on or at the specified time the 17 of March next. SPANISH PLAY-BILL, Exhibited at Seville, 1762. To the Sovereign of Heaven — to the Mother of the Eternal World — to the Polar Star of Spain — to the Comforter of all Spain — to the faithful Protectress of the Spanish nation — to the Honor and Glory of the Most Holy Virgin Mary — for her benefit and for the Propagation of her "Worship — the Company of Comedians will this day give a representation of the Comic Piece called— NANINE. The celebrated Italian will also dance the Fandango, and the Theatre will be respectably illuminated. In a medical work entitled The Breviarie of Health, pub- lished in 1547, by Andrew Borde, a physician of that period, is a prologue addressed to physicians, beginning thus : — Egregious doctors and masters of the eximious and arcane science of physic, of your urbanity exasperate not yourselves against me for making this little volume. 216 TALL WRITING. TIIE MAD TOET. McDonald Clarke, commonly called the mad poet, died a few years ago in the Lunatic Asylum on Blackwell's Island, New York. He wrote those oft-quoted lines, — Now twilight lets her curtain down, And pins it with a star. In his wilder moments he set all rules at defiance, and min- gled the startlingly sublime and the laughably ridiculous in the oddest confusion. He talks thus madly of Washington : — Eternity — give him elbow room ; A spirit like his is large ; Earth, fence with artillery his tomb, And fire a double charge To the memory of America's greatest man : Match him, posterity, if you can. In the following lines, he sketches, with a few bold touches, a well-known place, sometimes called a rum-hole : — Ha ! see where the wild-blazing grogshop appears, As the red waves of wretchedness swell ; How it burns on the edge of tempestuous years, The horrible light-house of hell ! FOOTE'S FARRAGO. The following droll nonsense was written by Foote, the dra- matist, for the purpose of trying the memory of Macklin, who boasted that he could learn any thing by heart on hearing it once:— So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage-leaf to make an apple-pie ; and, at the same time, a great she-bear coming up the street pops its head into the shop — What ! no soap ? So he died; and she very imprudently married the barber: and there were present the Picninnies, aud the Joblilies, and the Garyu- lies, and the great Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top. And they all fell to playing the game of "catch as catch can," till the gunpowder ran out of the heels of their boots ! TALL WRITING. 217 BURLESQUE OP THE STYLE OF DR. JOIINSON. While I was admiring the fantastical ramifications of some umbelliferous plants that hung over the margin of the Liffey, the fallacious bank, imperceptibly corroded by the moist tooth of the fluid, gave way beneath my feet, and I was suddenly submerged to some fathoms of profundity. Presence of mind, in constitutions not naturally timid, is generally in proportion to the imminence of the peril. Having never learned to move through the water in horizontal progression, had I desponded, I had perished ; but, being for a moment raised above the ele- ment by my struggles, or by some felicitous casualty, I was sensible of the danger, and immediately embraced the means of extrication. A cow, at the moment of my lapse, had en- tered the stream, within the distance of a protruded arm; and being in the act of transverse navigation to seek the pasture of the opposite bank, I laid hold on that part of the animal which is loosely pendent behind, and is formed by the continuation of the vertebrae. In this manner I was safely conveyed to a ford- able passage, not without some delectation from the sense of the progress without effort on my part, and the exhilarating approximation of more than problematical deliverance. Though in some respects I resembled the pilot of Gyas, Jam senior madidaque fluens in veste, yet my companions, unlike the bar- barous Phrygian spectators, forbore to acerbitate the uncouth- ness of embarrassment by the insults of derision. Shrieks of complorance testified sorrow for my submersion, and safety was rendered more pleasant by the felicitations of sympathy. As the danger was over, I took no umbrage at a little risibility ex- cited by the feculence of my visage, upon which the cow had discharged her gramineous digestion in a very ludicrous abun- dance. About this time the bell summoned us to dinner; and, as the cutaneous contact of irrigated garments is neither plea- sant nor salubrious, I was easily persuaded by the ladies to divest myself of mine. Colonel Manly obligingly accommo- dated me with a covering of camlet. I found it commodious, 19 218 TALL WRITING. and more agreeable than the many compressive ligaments of modern drapery. That there might be no violation of decorum, I took care to have the loose robe fastened before with small cylindrical wires, which the dainty fingers of the ladies easily removed from their dresses and inserted into mine, at such proper intervals as to leave no aperture that could awaken the susceptibility of temperament, or provoke the cachinnations of levity.* NEWSPAPER EULOGY. The following alliterative eulogy on a young lady appeared, many years ago, in a newspaper : — If boundless benevolence be the basis of beatitude, and harm- less Aumanity a 7iarbinger of /tallowed Aeart, these Christian concomitants composed her characteristics, and conciliated the esteem of her cotemporary acquaintances, who mean to model their manners in the mould of their meritorious monitor. CLEAR AS MUD. In a series of Philosojrfiical Essays published many years ago, the author}" gives some definitions of human knowledge, the following of which he considers " least obnoxious to com- prehension :" — A coincidence between the association of ideas, and the order or succession of events or phenomena, according to the relation of cause and effect, and in whatever is subsidiary, or necessary to realize, approximate and extend such coincidence ; understanding, by the relation of cause and effect, that order or * The peculiar stateliness and dignity of Johnston's style, when applied to the smaller concerns of life, makes, as will be seen from the above caricature, a very ludicrous appearance. A judicious imitation of his phraseology on tri- fling subjects was a favorite manner of attack among the critics. Erskine's account of the Buxton baths is one of the most amusing. When several ex- amples of this sort were shown to Johnson, at Edinburgh, he pronounced that of Lord Dreghorn the best: "but," said he, "I could caricature my own style much better myself." | Ogilvie. TALL WRITING. 219 succession, the discovery or development of which empowers an intelligent being, by means of one event or phenomenon, or by a series of given events or phenomena, to anticipate the re- currence of another event or phenomenon, or of a required series of events or phenomena, and to summon them into exist- ence, and employ their instrumentality in the gratification of his wishes, or in the accomplishment of his purposes. INDIGNANT LETTER. Addressed to a Louisiana clergyman by a Virginia corre- spondent. Sir : — You have behaved like an impetiginous acroyli — like those inquinate orosscrolest who envious of my moral celsitude carry their mugacity to the height of creating symposically the fecund words which my polymathic genius uses with uberity to abligate the tongues of the weightless. Sir, you have corassly parodied my own pet words, as though they were tangrams. I will not conceroate reproaches. I would obduce a veil over the atramental ingratitude which has chamiered even my undiscep- tible heart. I am silent on the foscillation which my coadful fancy must have given you when I offered to become your fan- ton and adminicle. I will not speak of the liptitude, the ab- lepsy you have shown in exacerbating me ; one whose genius you should have approached with mental discalceation. So, I tell you, Sir, syncophically and without supervacaneous words, nothing will render ignoscible your conduct to me. I warn you that I will vellicate your nose if I thought your moral dia- thesis could be thereby performed. If I thought that I should not impigorate my reputation by such a degladiation. Go tagygraphic ; your oness inquinate draws oblectation from the greatest poet since Milton, and draws upon your head this letter, which will drive you to Webster, and send you to sleep over it. " Knowledge is power," and power is mercy; so I wish you 10 rovose that it may prove an external hypnotic. 220 TALL WRITING. INTRAMURAL ^ESTIVATION. In candent ire the solar splendor flames ; Tbe foles, languescent, pend from arid rames; His humid front the cive, anheling, wipes, And dreams of erring on ventiferous ripes. How dulce to vive occult to mortal eyes, Dorm on the herb with none to supervise, Carp the suave berries from the crescent vine, And bibe the flow from longicaudate kine ! To me, alas ! no verdurous visions come, Save yon exiguous pool's conferva-scum ; No concave vast repeats the tender hue That laves my milk-jug with celestial blue ! Me wretched ! Let me curr to quercine shades ! Effund your albid hausts, lactiferous maids ! Oh, might I vole to some umbrageous clump, — Depart, — be off, — excede, — evade, — erump ! Autocrat of the Breakfast- Table. A CHEMICAL VALENTINE. I love thee, Mary, and thou lovest me, Our mutual flame is like the affinity That doth exist between two simple bodies. I am Potassium to thy Oxygen ; 'Tis little that the holy marriage vow Shall shortly make us one. That unity Is, after all, but metaphysical. Oh ! would that I, my Mary, were an Acid — A living Acid; thou an Alkali Endowed with human sense ; that, brought together, We both might coalesce into one Salt, One homogeneous crystal. Oh that thou Wert Carbon, and myself were Hydrogen ! We would unite to form olefiant gas, Or common coal, or naphtha. Would to heaven That I were Phosphorus, and thou wert Lime, And we of Lime composed a Phosphuret ! I'd be content to be Sulphuric Acid, So that thou mightst be Soda. In that oase, We should be Glauber's Salt. Wert thou Magnesia Instead, we'd form the salt that's named from Epsom. Couldst thou Potassa be, I Aquafortis, Our happy union should that compound form, TALL WRITING. Nitrate of Potash— otherwise Saltpetre. And thus, our several natures sweetly blent. We'd live and love together, until death Should decompose this fleshly Tertium Quid, Leaving our souls to all eternity Amalgamated ! Sweet, thy name is Briggs, And mine is Johnson. Wherefore should not we Agree to form a Johnsonato of Briggs ? We will ! the day, the happy day is nigh, When Johnson shall with beauteous Briggs combine. THE ANATOMIST TO HIS DULCINEA. I list as thy heart and ascending aorta Their volumes of valvular harmony pour ; And my soul from that muscular musio has caught a New life 'mid its dry anatomical lore. Oh, rare is the sound when thy ventricles throb In a systolic symphony measured and slow, When the auricles answer with rhythmical sob, As they murmur a melody wondrously low ! Oh, thy cornea, love, has the radiant light Of the sparkle that laughs in the icicle's sheen ; And thy crystalline lens, like a diamond bright, Through the quivering frame of thine iris is seen ! And thy retina, spreading its lustre of pearl, Like the far-away nebula, distantly gleams From a vault of black cellular mirrors that hurl From their hexagon angles the silvery beams. Ah ! the flash of those orbs is enslaving me still, As they roll 'neath the palpebral, dimly translucent, Obeying in silence the magical will Of the oculo-motor — pathetic — abducent. Oh, sweet is thy voice, as it sighingly swells From the daintily quivering chordae vocales, Or rings in clear tones through the echoing cells Of the antrum, the ethmoid, and sinus fron tales! ODE TO SPRING. WRITTEN IN A LAWYER'S OFFICE. Whereas on sundry boughs and sprays Now divers birds are heard to sing, And sundry flowers their heads upraise — Hail to the coming on of Spring! 221 222 TALL WRITING. The birds aforesaid, happy pairs ! Love midst the aforesaid boughs enshrines In household nests, themselves, their heirs, Administrators, and assigns. The songs of the said birds arouse The memory of our youthful hours. As young and green as the said boughs, As fresh and fair as the said flowers. busiest term of Cupid's court! When tender plaintiffs actions bring; Season of frolic and of sport, Hail, as aforesaid, coming Spring! PRISTINE PROVERBS PREPARED FOR PRECOCIOUS PUPILS. Observe yon plumed biped fine! To effect his captivation, Deposit particles saline Upon his termination. Cryptogamous concretion never grows On mineral fragments that decline repose. Whilst self-inspection it neglects, Nor its own foul condition sees, The kettle to the pot objects Its sordid superficies. Decortications of the golden grain Are set to allure the aged fowl, in vain. Teach not a parent's mother to extract The embryo juices of an egg by suction : That good old lady can the feat enact, Quite irrespective of your kind instruction. Pecuniary agencies have force To stimulate to speed the female horse. Bear not to yon famed city upon Tyne The carbonaceous product of the mine. The mendicant, once from his indigence freed, And mounted aloft on the generous steed, Down the precipice soon will infallibly go, And conclude his career in the regions below. It is permitted to the feline race To contemplate even a regal face. METRIC TROSE. 223 Ufletric 13ro.se. Quid tentabam scribere versus erat. — Ovid. COWPER'S LETTER TO NEWTON. The following letter was written to Rev. John Newton, by William Cowper, in reference to a poem On Charity, by the latter : — My very dear friend, I am going to send, what when you have read, you may scratch your head, and say I suppose, there's nobody knows, whether what I have got, be verse or not ; — by the tune and the time, it ought to be rhyme ; but if it be, did ever you see, of late or of yore, such a ditty before? I have writ " Charity," not for popularity, but as well as I could, in hopes to do good; and if the "Reviewer" should say to be sure, the gentleman's muse wears Methodist shoes, you may know by her pace, and talk about grace, that she and her bard have little regard for the tastes and fashions, and ruling passions, and hoydening play, of the modern day ; and though she assume a borrowed plume, and now and then wear a titter- ing air, 'tis only her plan, to catch if she can, the giddy and gay, as they go that way, by a production of a new construc- tion ; she has baited her trap, in the hope to snap all that may come, with a sugar-plum. His opinion in this will not be amiss ; 'tis what I intend, my principal end ; and if I succeed, and folks should read, till a few are brought to a serious thought, I shall think I am paid for all I have said, and all I have done, although I have run, many a time, after a rhyme, as far as from hence to the end of my sense, and by hook or by crook, write another book, if I live and am here another year. I have heard before of a room with a floor, laid upon springs, and such-like things, with so much art in every part, that when you went in, you were forced to begin a minuet pace, with an air and a grace, swimming about, now in and now out, with a 224 METRIC PROSE. deal of a state, in a figure of eight, without pipe or string, or any such thing; and now I have writ, in a rhyming fit, what will make you dance, and, as you advance, will keep you still, though against your will, dancing away, alert and gay, till you come to an end of what I have penned, which that you may do, ere madam and you are quite worn out with jigging about, I take my leave, and here you receive a bow profound, down to the ground, from you humble me — W. C. EXAMPLE IN IRVING'S NEW YORK. The following remarkable instance of involuntary poetic prose occurs in Knickerbocker's humorous history of New York, near the commencement of the Sixth Book : — The gallant warrior starts from soft repose, from golden visions and voluptuous ease; where, in the dulcet "piping time of peace," he sought sweet solace after all his toils. No more in beauty's siren lap reclined, he weaves fair garlands for his lady's brows ; no more entwines with flowers his shining sword, nor through the livelong summer's day chants forth his love-sick soul in madrigals. To manhood roused, he spurns the amorous flute, doffs from his brawny back the robe of peace, and clothes his pampered limbs in panoply of steel. O'er his dark brow, where late the myrtle waved, where wanton roses breathed enervate love, he rears the beaming casque and nod- ding plume; grasps the bright shield and ponderous lance, or mounts with eager pride his fiery steed, and burns for deeds of glorious chivalry. In DTsraeli's Wondrous Tale of Alvoy, are remarkable specimens of prose poetry. For example : — Why am I here? are you not here? and need I urge a stronger plea? Oh, brother dear, I pray you come and mingle in our festival ! Our walls are hung with flowers you love; I culled them by the fountain's side: the holy lamps are trimmed and set, and you must raise their earliest flame. Without the gate my maidens wait to offer you a robe of state. Then, brother dear, I pray you come and mingle in our festival. metric prose. 225 nelly's euneral. In Home's New Spirit of the Age, — a series of criticisms on eminent living authors, — we find an admirable example of prose poetry thus noticed : — A curious circumstance is observable in a great portion of the scenes of tragic power, pathos, and tenderness contained in various parts of Mr. Dickens's works, which it is possible may have been the result of harmonious accident, and the author not even subsequently conscious of it. It is that they are written in blank verse, of irregular metre and rhythms, which Southey, and Shelley, and some other poets, have occa- sionally adopted. Witness the following description from The Old Curiosity Shop. And now the bell — the bell She had so often heard by night and day And listened to with solid pleasure, E'en as a living voice — Rung its remorseless toll for her, So young, so beautiful, so good. Decrepit age, and vigorous life, And blooming youth, and helpless infancy, Poured forth — on crutches, in the pride of strength And health, in the full blush Of promise — the mere dawn of life — To gather round her tomb. Old men were there Whose eyes were dim And senses failing — Granddames, who might have died ten years ago, And still been old — the deaf, the blind, the lame, The palsied, The living dead in many shapes and forms, To see the closing of this early grave ! What was the death it would shut in, To that which still would crawl and creep above it ! Along the crowded path they bore her now ; Pale as the new-fallen snow That covered it; whose day on earth Had been so fleeting. P 226 METRIC PROSE. Under that porch where she had sat when Heaven In mercy brought her to that peaceful spot, She passed again, and the old church Received her in its quiet shade. Throughout the whole of the above, only two unimportant words have been omitted — in and its; " granddames" has been substituted for "grandmothers," and "e'en" for "almost." All that remains is exactly as in the original, not a single word transposed, and the punctuation the same to a comma. The brief homily that concludes the funeral is profoundly beautiful. Oh ! it is hard to take The lesson that such deaths will teach, But let no man reject it, For it is one that all must learn And is a mighty universal Truth. When Death strikes down the innocent and young, For every fragile form from which he lets The parting spirit free, A hundred virtues rise, In shapes of mercy, charity, and love, To walk the world and bless it. Of every tear That sorrowing mortals shed on such green graves, Some good is born, some gentler nature comes. Not a word of the original is changed in the above quo- tation, which is worthy of the best passages in Wordsworth, and thus, meeting on the common ground of a deeply truthful sentiment, the two most unlike men in the literature of the country are brought into close proximation. The following similar passage is from the concluding para- graph of Nicholas Nichleby : — The grass was green above the dead boy's grave, Trodden by feet so small and light, That not a daisy drooped its head Beneath their pressure. Through all the spring and summer time Garlands of fresh flowers, wreathed by infant hands, Rested upon the stone. METRIC PROSE. 227 NIAGARA. The same rhythmic cadence is observable in the following passage, copied verbatim from the American Notes: — I think in every quiet season now, Still do those waters roll, and leap, and roar, And tumble all day long ; Still are the rainbows spanning them A hundred feet below. Still when the sun is on them, do they shine And glow like molten gold. Still when the day is gloomy do they fall Like snow, or seem to crumble away, Like the front of a great chalk cliff, Or roll adown the rock like dense white smoke. But always does this mighty stream appear To die as it comes down. And always from the unfathomable grave Arises that tremendous ghost of spray And mist which is never laid: Which has haunted this place With the same dread solemnity, Since darkness brooded on the deep And that first flood before the Deluge — Light Came rushing on Creation at the word of God. To any one who reads this we need not say that but three lines in it vary at all from the closest requisitions of an iambic movement. The measure is precisely of the kind which Mr. Southey so often used. For the reader's convenience, we copy from Thalaba his well remembered lines on Night, as an in- stance : — How beautiful is Night! A dewy freshness fills the silent air, No mist obscures, nor cloud, nor speck, nor stain Breaks the serene of heaven. In full orbed glory yonder Moon divine Rolls through the dark blue depths. Beneath her steady ray The desert circle spreads, Like the round ocean, girdled with the sky. How beautiful is Night ! 228 METRIC PROSE. INVOLUNTARY VERSIFICATION IN THE SCRIPTURES. The hexametric cadence in the authorized translation of the Bible has been pointed out in another portion of this volume. It is very noticeable in such passages as these, for example, from the Second Psalm: — Why do the heathen rage and the people imagine a vain thing ? Kings of the earth set themselves and the rulers take counsel together. The anapaestic cadence prevalent in the Psalms is also very remarkable : — That will bring forth Lis fruit in due season. — v. 6 Whatsoever he doth it shall prosper. — v. 4. Away from the face of the earth. — v. 5. Be able to stand in the judgment. — v. 6. The way of th' ungodly shall perish. — v. 7. Couplets may be drawn from the same inspired source, as follows : — Great peace have they that love thy law : And nothing shall offend them. — Psalm, cxix. 165. Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace Whose mind is stayed on thee. — Isaiah, xxvi. 3. When his branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, Ye know that the summer is nigh. — Matthew, xxiv. 32. UNINTENTIONAL RHYMES OF PROSERS. The delicate ear of Addison, who would stop the press to add a conjunction, or erase a comma, allowed this inelegant jingle to escape his detection: — What I am going to mention, will perhaps deserve your attention. Dr. "Whewell, when Master of Trinity College, fell into a similar trap, to the great amusement of his readers. In his work on Mechanics, he happened to write literatim and verbatim, though not lineatim, the following tetrastich : — There is no force, however great, Can stretch a cord, however fine, Into a horizontal line, Which is accurately straight. METRIC PROSE. 229 A curious instance of involuntary rhythm occurs in President Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address : — Fondly do we hope, Fervently do we pray, That this mighty scourge of war May speedily pass away : Yet if be God's will That it continue until — " but here the strain abruptly ceases, and the President relapses into prose. In the course of a discussion upon the involuntary metre into which Shakspeare so frequently fell, when he intended his minor characters to speak prose, Dr. Johnson observed ; " Such verse we make when we are writing prose ; We make such verse in common conversation." Kemble and Mrs. Siddons, from their habit of committing to memory and reciting dramatic blank verse, unconsciously made their most ordinary observations in that measure. Kemble, for instance, on giving a shilling to a beggar, thus answered the surprised look of his companion : — " It is not often that I do these things, But when I do, I do them handsomely." And once when, in a walk with Walter Scott on the banks of the Tweed, a dangerous looking bull made his appearance, Scott took the water, Kemble exclaimed : — " Sheriff, I'll get me up in yonder tree." The presence of danger usually makes a man speak naturally, if anything will. If a reciter of blank verse, then, fall uncon- sciously into the rhythm of it when intending to speak prose, much more may an habitual writer of it be expected to do so. Instances of the kind from the table-talk of both Kemble and his sister might be multiplied. This of Mrs. Siddons, — "I asked for water, boy; you've brought me beer, " is one of the best known. 20 230 THE HUMORS OF VERSIFICATION. &Jje Rumors of Versification. THE LOVERS. IN DIFFERENT MOODS AND TENSES. Sally Salter, she was a young teacher who taught, And her friend, Charley Church, was a preacher, who praught! Though his enemies called him a screecher, who scraught. His heart, when he saw her, kept sinking, and sunk; And his eye, meeting hers, began winking, and wunk; While she, in her turn, fell to thinking, and thunk. He hastened to woo her, and sweetly he wooed, For his love grew until to a mountain it grewed, And what he was longing to do, then he doed. In secret he wanted to speak, and he spoke, To seek with his lips what his heart long had soke; So he managed to let the truth leak, and it loke. He asked her to ride to the church, and they rode , They so sweetly did glide, that they both thought they glode, And they came to the place to be tied, and were tode. Then homeward he said let us drive, and they drove, And soon as they wished to arrive, they arrove; For whatever he couldn't contrive, she controve. The kiss he was dying to steal, then he stole ; At the feet where he wanted to kneel, then he knole; And he said, " I feel better than ever I fole." So they to each other kept clinging, and clung, While Time his swift circuit was winging, and wung ; And this was the thing he was bringing and brung : The man Sally wanted to catch, and had caught — That she wanted from others to snatch, and had snaught — Was the one she now liked to scratch, and she scraught. And Charley's warm love began freezing and froze, While he took to teasing, and cruelly toze The girl he had wished to be squeezing, and squoze. " Wretch !" he cried, when she threatened to leave him, and leftj " How could you deceive, as you have deceft ?" And she answered, " I promised to cleave, and I've cleft." THE HUMORS OF VERSIFICATION. 231 A STAMMERING WIFE. When deeply in love with Miss Emily Pryne, I vowed if the lady would only be mine, I would always be ready to please her; She blushed her consent, though the stuttering lass Said never a word except "You're an ass — An ass — an ass — iduous teazer !" But when we were married, I found to my ruth The stammering lady had spoken the truth; For often, in obvious dudgeon, She'd say — if I ventured to give her a jog In the way of reproof — " You're a dog — dog — dog— A dog — a dog — niatic curmudgeon !" And once, when I said, "We can hardly afford This immoderate style with our moderate board," And hinted we ought to be wiser, She looked, I assure you, exceedingly blue, And fretfully cried, " You're a Jew — Jew — Jew — A very ju-dicious adviser!" Again, when it happened that, wishing to shirk Some rather unpleasant and arduous work, I begged her to go to a neighbor, She wanted to know why I made such a fuss, And saucily said, " You're a cuss — cuss — cuss — You were always ac — cus — tomed to labor !" Out of temper at last with the insolent dame, And feeling the woman was greatly to blame, To scold me instead of caressing, I mimicked her speech, like a churl as I am, And angrily said, "You're a dam — dam — dam — A dam-age instead of a blessing." A SONG WITH VARIATIONS. [Scene. — Wife at the piano ; brute of a husband, who has no more soul for music than his boot, in an adjoining apartment, making his toilet.] Oh ! do not chide me if I weep ! — Come, wife, and sew this button on. Such pain as mine can never sleep ! — Zounds ! as I live, another's gone ! For unrequited love brings grief, — A needle, wife, and bring your scissors. 232 THE HUMORS OF VERSIFICATION. And Pity's voice gives no relief — The child! good Lord! he's at my razors! No balm to case the troubled heart, — Who starched this bosom ? I declare That writhes from hate's envenomed dart! — It's enough to make a parson swear! When faith in man is given up — How plaguey shiftless are some women ! Then sorrow fills her bitter cup — I'll have to get my other linen. And to its lees the white lips quaff — Smith says he's coming in to-night, While Malice yields her mocking laugh ! — With Mrs. S., and Jones and Wright. Oh ! could I stifle in my breast — And Jones will bring some prime old sherry. This aching heart, and give it rest, — We'll want some eggs for Tom-and-Jerry Could Lethe's waters o'er me roll, — These stockings would look better mended ! And bring oblivion to my soul, — When-will-you-have-that-ditty-ended? Then haply I, in other skies, — We'd better have the oysters fried. Might find the love that earth denies ! There ! now at last my dickey's tied ! THOUGHTS WHILE SHE ROCKS THE CRADLE. What is the little one thinking about? Very wonderful thing, no doubt, Unwritten history ! Unfathomable mystery ! But he laughs and cries, and eats and drinks, And chuckles and crows, and nods and winks, As if his head were as full of kinks, And curious riddles, as any sphinx! Warped by colic and wet by tears, Punctured by pins, and tortured by fears, Our little nephew will lose two years; And he'll never know Where the summers go : He need not laugh, for he'll find it so ! Who can tell what the baby thinks ? Who can follow the