mmi^^imAxi ---r -t UC-NRLF GIFT or CU^yX^ c^ ,100 CALIFORNIA Bj^ Smith DQlrymple f ig« g^a '''fl^ AUTHOR OF THROUGH ILLINOIS ON A Star Machine SMITH DALRYMPLE ^>\.H^^*>1^^'l From Pithole to California — BY — SMITH DALRYMPLE AUTHOR OF Through Illinois on a Star Machine (Over 5000 copies sold) JS'e Most Complete Book Ever Offered to the Oil Workers. It Contains Oil Poems and Oil Jokes, Conun- drums, Short Sketches, Etc. Illustrated with oil towns and scenes, as the name implies, From Pithole to California. THROUGH ILLINOIS ON A STAR MACHINE sold all over the oil country. FROM PITHOLE TO CALIFORNIA sells everywhere. Address all communications to SMITH DALRYMPLE Pridgeport, Illinois From Pithole to California — BY — SMITH DALRYMPLE JRe Oil Country Poet GOES FASTER THAN ANYTHING EXCEPT A SET OF INDIANA BULL WHEELS OR A TOOLDRESSER GOING OFF TOWER. Nothing like it outside of a farm pard Sent post paid to any address upon receipt of 50 cents WEST OF THE WABASH— 4 BI^S Smith Dalrgmple, Bridgeport, III. Send Money Order or Silver. No Stamps. Copyright, 1914 — BY — Smith Dalrymple Ail Rights Riffisarved. riy 'W-J-^X The Preface of this book will be omitted as I had one telling the humor, pathos and exquisite style of the poems and the bright, witty jokes and cute sayings of the author and then asked my youngest son to get my fountain pen to copy it with. He read it over thoughtfully and said, "Aw go on, you don't want any fountain pen for that stuff, go get the shovel." So kick her off; she's on the center. FROM PITflOLE If anyone has got a mouth organ give us "Columbia, the Gem of the Ocean." OKLAHOMA Oklahoma, the jam of creation. The home of the brave Cherokee, The pride of the Indian nation; A v^orld that belongs to John D. His pipe lines entirely surround you; His name is engraved on each shack; The oil men are glad they have found you To mix with the red, white and black. CHO. — We'll run 'er another screw, she aint out of gauge any. When oil went up higher and higher. And you had a boom on fierce and hot, When workmen so much did require, You found our boys, John, on the spot. Your drug stores the coin they were tilling. While your slot machines never did lack, For our boys were found eager and willing To play on the red, white and black. CHO. — Get your wrenches ready, we'll take this one off; There's too much wearing surface on it. 8 Vt^^M'PITHOLE A r 'ILLU'" ' C jf' U J!jJ General View of Pithole in 1865 I showed one of these books to a boy. "What is it for?" he asked. "To read, ponder, and digest," I replied. He said, "Well, I don't want to digest yet." "Where are you from?" "I come clean from Tionesta." "Well shake hands, you're the first man I ever saw that come clean from there." TO CALIFORNIA 9 ■'■■ ' ^' ' ^IHI 4 '^1 ^H 5 ^', li a: o H pi • ' 1 <•> 1 -^ «' .^&v, ^HII 10 _. ^ I^ROM PITgOL^ Can anybody whistle "Turkey in the Straw?" Well, let 'er go. Says the driller to the toolie, "Will you kick on the rope?" Says the toolie to the driller, "Well now I hope." So he put her on the helper and kicked her on the dog. And took down the pitman and let down the log. Oh, he done it in a dream, oh, he done it in a dream. He took out the follower and let down the beam; Then he opened up the throttle and turned on the fog, And away went the engine barking like a dog. Says the driller to the toolie, "Will you give me a chew?" Says the toolie to the driller, "I'll be hanged if I do." Quit smoking cigarettes and drinking Fort Knox You could always have tobacco in your old tobacco box." He grabbed up the bucket and he washed up the floor, Then he picked up the file and he stuck it in the door; He unhooked the wrenches and threw on the jack. And away went the forgy handle running on the track. TO CALlFOkNiA U Says the driller to the toolie, "Will you dance me a jig?" "Well, now, you're a-whoopin' if I tear down the rig." So he picked up the fiddle that the contractor stole, And he danced the double shuffle 'round the eight .inch hole; He danced around the anvil and he danced around the screw, And he danced around the derrick and the belt house too; The temper on the bit he begun for to draw. And he ravelled up a tune called "Turkey in the Straw." NATIONAL FORMS OF GREETING English and American: How do you do? French: How do you carry yourself? Italian: How do you stand? German: How do you find yourself? Dutch: How do you fare? Russian: What do yf)U live on? Swedish: How can you? Chinese: How is your stomach? Oil Men: Have you got anything on your hip? i2 .FROM PITUOLE CONUNDRUMS Why is a contractor's wife like a telephone girl? Because all she says is "Hello" and "Goodbye." W4iat cbuntry has the largest capital? The Oil Country. Wh^t President receives the largest salary? Pi-esiddnt of the Standard Oil Company. What is the highest table you ever saw^? The w^ater table. A farmer raised right smart of corn, sold a pile and had a heap left. How much do you reckon he fed to his hawgs? Why was Samson a good actor? Because h^ bi^oiight (4own the house. Which is the strong^est smelling rose? The negroes. Why don't the HeVil drink ice water? How, in hell, could he keep it cool? What are the three noted cities of the world? Bingen on the Rhinfe, Albany on the Hudson, Oblong on the bum. ^v' Who owns Canada? Great Britain. Who owns the United States? John D. Rockefeller. TO CALIFORNIA 13 During whose administration did we have the hardest times? The Red Bank Oil Company's. Where is the best place to go when you are broke? Go to work. Why does a dog turn around before he lies down? Because he can't do it afterward. Why is your nose like the Brooklyn bridge? Because there's so many schooners go under it. Why does a dog gnaw a bone? Because he can't swallow it whole. ob - How can you prevent a rooster crowing Sunaay morning? Kill the son-of-a-gun Saturday night. ' M.ai^ r Why do oil men always keep tfieir word?' Because no one will take it.. ^ ^ What makes you think Barnum went to heaven? Because he had the best show on earthc- ' • If you were riding a mule what f'riiit would you be the nearest? A pear. • • What is the difference between a glass of water" and' a glass of whiskey? 10 cents. What is the difference between you and the cook? The cook beats the steak tender and you beat the bar- tender. Why is a street car like a woman? Because if you miss the first one there will be another right along. Why is a lady's corset like a watch dog? Because they are tied up in the day and let out at night. What is a kiss? A receipt given by a lady when you pay attention to her. Why is a lady's belt like a garbage ,wagon?. Pecause it goes around and gathers the waist, 14 FROM PITHOLE What is a woman always looking for but doesn't wish to find? A hole in her stocking. Why (Joes a hen lay an tgg? Because she can't lay a gold brick. What is the difference between an oil man and his wife? She gofes up town and gets her feet wet, and he goes down town and gets his nose wet. What paper has the largest circulation? The cigarette paper. Why ^o oil men buy those high top shoes? Because they can't get them for nothing. Do immoral women ever die? I guess not, I never saw a dead one. Which is the best way to go to Kansas? Drunk. What is real happiness? Having the other fellows come in on a stormy night and tell you not to go out. Why do drillers quarrel less with their wives than pumpers? They are at home less. Why do contractors always have their offices opposite the court house? So they can do business on the square. What is the best cure for a girl that is love sick? Get married to a tool dresser; one dose is generally enough. What is the difference between oil men's lives here and hereafter? There is a h — 1 of a difference. What time does the 12:07 train run? Railroad time. What is the difference between a taxicab and a hack? About thr^e dollars an hour, TO CALIFORNIA 15 If it costs twenty-five cents to cross a ferry boat, and a lamb, a duck, a pair of horses and a skunk wanted to cross, which one would get left? The duck could cross for it had a bill ; the lamb could cross for it had four quarters; the horses could cross for they had two bits, but the skunk couldn't cross for he only had one scent and that was a bad one. Why is a grass widow like a grass hopper? They both jump at the first chance. Why is a lawyer like a nervous man trying to sleep? He will first lie on one side and then on the other. What letter can a driller say the easiest? Let'er down. What are the wages of sin? Seventy-five dollars a month. Why is a tool dresser passing a saloon like a bit going through the sand? Because he dives and sticks. What company builds the most battleships? The Star Drilling Machine Co. 16 FROM PITHOLE TO CALIFORNIA 17 THE OLD STAR MACHINE Oh, my Grandfather Hicks at the age of eighty-six, .i Quit contracting and made up his mind to die. . | Of course his will was read, and this is what it said: ^ I leave all the tools I've got to Bill and Si; ' -] Unto my sister Kate he left his real estate, And a house and lot he left to Emogene. But I cussed till I was red. When the lawyer turned and said, "He left for you the old Star Machine." How they did titter, how they did grin, "^t*! Even my sister and my little sweetheart, Min, Gave me the laugh the worst you ever seen, Cause Grandfather left to me the old Star Machine. Then one day Si and Bill they started in to drill. And they carried each a quarter in the lease; But the well it came in dry and it busted Bill and Si And they never got a bucketful of grease; While I drilled a shallow hole and cleared a little roll, And 'I had another contract come in clean. So to kid poor Bill and Si, Unto 'em both says I, "Don't you wish you had the old Star Machine?" When I drilled the third one in, I went and married Min, And we had a regular old-time Shiv-a-ree; And you bet that Bill and Si had a finger in the pie. While I passed around cigars and Min the skee ; Then Bill he winked his eye and said to brother Si, "I wonder where he gets the said long green?" So I flashed a thousand bucks, » And I said "You silly ducks, Don't you wish you had the old Star Machine?" 18 FROM PITHOLE BiRDSEYE View of Cleveland, Okla. Were you ever in Hot Springs, Arkansaw, the hottest place Noah ever looked out of the Ark an' saw^. I was only there two days when I was boiled out. I saw lots of people get roasted, and one poor girl got fired. And talk about being familiar , why even the men hold hands and believe me, some of them hold good ones. I heard two girls talking in a restaurant, one said, "Say Min, I saw Jim playing poker last night." She said, ''I don't believe it, for he told me he never played poker." The first one said, "Well, I know he does for I was going by the pool room last night and I saw him with a poker right in his hand." TO CALIFORNIA 19 PETROLEUM PROVERBS Money makes the oil flow. ' A rolling soak gathers some mud. r It's a long rope that has no stem. Where there's a well there's a pay. It's a wise guy that knows his own jumper. A toolie and his wife are soon parted. The devil always finds a guy for idle ones to do. While there is life there is a rope. The more days on the well the more figures on the check. One screw of oil sand makes the whole world skin. You can give a toolie water but you can't make him drink. Those who live in a rag house shouldn't throw bones. A snooze on a bench is worth two in a bed. There is many a slip 'twixt the brake and trip. Whistling girls and crowing hens always come here from Vincennes. Never take one off tomorrow if it needs to come off today Of all sad words beneath the sky, The saddest are these: The boiler's dry. Boxes and pins, boxes and pins. When a man goes drilling his trouble begins. ''Don't the oil men begin to swear earlier than other men?" 'T don't know, I read in the Bible where Job cursed the day he was born." 20 FROM PITHOLE THE TOOL DRESSERS DREAM He was sitting on the counter, In the old Oil Well Supply, He had listened to our stories. And this was. his reply: "The strangest adventure I ever had Came to me one night in a dream, For I dressed tools one night in hell, And the devil stood under the beam. It was back in Indiana, On the old Geneva Lob, I had just come down from Muricie, And was new upon the job. It was 'long in the summer of '98, About September the first, I just got in from a three days' drunk, And I thought my head would burst. I just came in from the boiler. We were firing with gas and wood ; I had a show in the second guage. And the pump was working good. We just finished up an eight inch bit, The first one I had dressed; So I laid down on the bellows, To take a little rest. I had only been there a moment, When I heard the driller cry: "You better get up and kick on that rope. For I guess that boiler's dry." When I roused up everything was dark, And I instantly lost all hope; But I made a dash at the tug wheel, And wildly kicked at the rope. TO CALIFORNIA ' 21 I hurried out to the boiler, But stumbled and fell on the track, And it seemed a terrible demon Was trying to hold me back. I freed myself in a moment, And sprang on my feet with a jump, And hurried out to the engine, And tried to start the pump. I saw the old boiler quiver, I heard a terrible roar, Then I knew she had exploded, I fell and I knew no more. When I came to, everything was changed, I stood in a standard rig, But I never heard of one before. Nor saw one half so big. And I saw a sight as I turned around. That turned my frame to stone ; For an uncouth form with horns and tail. Sat on the driller's throne. My heart stood still, for by his side. Was a three-tined fork so dull ; And on the end of the clubbing stick. Was a ghastly grinning skull. His two small eyes were fixed on me, And shone as bright as stars ; While a horny hand like ^ a vulture's claws, Were clasped on the handle bars. 'Twas then he spoke, and his voice was like The snarl of an angry dog; As he said, "Get up and kick on the rope, And go take down the log." 22 FROM PITHOLE I flew to the pitman like a flash, It seemed about a mile; And as I came back up the walk, He met me with a smile. He says, "I'm going out for lunch, I am coming back here soon, Just go in and set down on the lazy bench, For hell's let out for noon." When he was gone I went inside, And looked all around the rig, I saw a bottle in the headache box And drained it at one swig. Then the bull rope opened up its eye, And winked at me in scorn; The hurry-up stick run up the screw, And the anvil blew its horn. The tools came marching round the hole^ And lined up round the track; The five foot stick gave the guage a kick. And tripped the forgy back. The combination wrench rolled up its sleeve. And the trimo set its jaw; When the blower took the gas pipe down, And struck up "Turkey-in-the-Straw." The never-slip struck a merry clip, As it waltzed with the casing pole; And the yellow dog barked at the toolie-bird, As it flew in the woodpecker's hole. The yellow dogs gave a sickly light, That shone all round the well ; And I couldn't breathe for my lungs were filled, With a strong sulphuric smell. TO CALIFORNIA 23 The tools flew quickly back in place, It almost took my breach ; Then I saw old Satan coming back, When all was still as death. He says, ''You've drank up all my booze. Now you must lose your soul ;" So he tied the sand line around my legs And let me down the hole. I saw the bluff and mountain sand, As down the hole I flew, And made five hundred feet of slate, And counted every screw. I went through coal and iron and lime. As I sailed down towards China; I made the Kane and Bradford sand. And struck the Red Medina. The hole was straighter than a gun. As far as I coulil see; When I struck the Glade and Clarendon, Then Speechley number three. Through forty feet of Bridgeport sand. And never dressed a bit ; I made the Big Injun and Cow run. And struck the Berea grit. Then through a cave of rotten lime, I went to beat the band ; And struck the stray and fifty foot, And made the Gordon sand. You may talk about chain lightning, I had it skinned a block; As I made the Mississippi Lime, And struck the Trenton rock. 24 FROM PITHOLE I saw the bottom coming fast, And knew it would soon be o'er; I rolled off from the bellows, And landed on the floor. ■^^:=s:^^=ssss^r:i^S^^gfg^g^t^^W9S^g^ One night I was out with a couple of friends. We all bet the drinks that the first thing our wives asked us to do when we got home we'd do it. Jack got home first. He staggered up against a big looking glass and nearly broke it. His wife says, "That's right, break the looking glass," so he grabbed up a chair and broke it all to smash. Then Jim got home. His wife says, "Bring me a drink of water." He took the pitcher in the bed room and when he handed her the glass he spilt a few drops on her. She says, "Throw it all over me," so he threw the whole pitcher full on her. Then I got home. When I got to the head of the stairs I stumbled. My wife says, "Fall down stairs and break your cussed neck." I bought the drinks. Bill Foote married one of old John Inche's daughters and it was written up in the paper and headed "A twelve inch union," TO CALIFORNIA 25 When I v/as in Carlyle I got hoarse. The doctor told me to keep my throat well rinsed so I used to stay up nights to rinse it. I stayed and rinsed it every night till tw^lv^ o'clock; then the saloons closed, 26 FROM PITUOLE I asked a driller how he got such a pair of black eyes. He said, "We were spudding and I was too loose and I went to kick her up a little, and just caught it in the wrong time, and any d — n fool knows the rest." Mr. Wood, Mr. Stone and Mr. Rubber were walking up town when they passed a young lady wearing a harem skirt. Wood turned to Stone, Stone turned to Wood and they both turned to Rubber, You are six foot four and your wife is four foot six. How does she kiss you good bye? She don't kiss me good bye, she just looks up, waves her hand and says, "So long," One night my little girl was playing out in the damp air and caught cold. I told m/ wife to flush her face. She asked "What has flushed in the face got to do with damp air?" I said, "Don't you know enough to know that a flush will beat any dam pair?" Little Jack Horner sat in a corner, Searching an old union suit; He stuck in his thumb And pulled out a crumb ; And said, "Aint this one a beaut?" 7 ^ TO CALIFORNIA 27 Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, Had a wife and couldn't keep 'er; Went out on a wild cat well, And kept her at the best hotel. There was a young man from Montpelier, He says to his girl, "I will stelier," When in came her paw, And reached for his jaw, | And he says, "Don't you know I can felier." : A toolie, who came from Hoboken, ■ Gave a ring to a girl as a token; When his money was gone. She put it in pawn, And she said, "I was only a jokin'." A driller who drilled on a well, Went to board at a country hotel ; But his wife came one day, And he faded away. And the reason I'm sure you could tell. The Metropolitan police of St. Louis were all ready for the parade. The Mayor waited twenty minutes and they did not show up. He called up and asked, "What is detaining the officers?" The Chief answered back, "There is a drunken tool dresser from Oklahoma down the street and wont let them go by." A friend of mine went up to the livery stable and asked, "Do you make horses here?" The fellow says, "No, why?'* He says, "I saw a frame standing out in front." 28 FROM PITHOLE THE MIDNIGHT LUNCH Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and v/eary. Over cold and clammy dishes, that I'd seen so oft before; When on one dish I saw a speck on, aYid it seemed to me to beckon, *' 'Tis the midnight lunch," I reckon, that I've seen so oft before. Only this and nothing more. Ah, distinctly I remember, it was the last day of November, Or the first day of December, I was feeling awful sore, And I wished that it was morning, with a feeling full of scorning; In the butter flies were swarming, by the dozens and the score; Countless here forever more. What was that? Pray do not ask me, for it was the cheese that passed me, And it turned around and sassed me, just as it went through the door ; Then the eggs began to scramble, and around the plate did gambol, Tjust sat and let them ramble, till they hopped off on the floor; Hopped and peeped and nothing more. Then the beans got sour and musty, and the bread was hard and crusty. And the dishes all were dusty, and were nearly coated o'er, Then the fumes began to thicken, and my soul began to sicken, At a piece of last spring chicken, that was cooked three days before, Cooked and left and nothing- more. TO CALIFORNIA 29 Then the butter it got stronger, and it wouldn't stay no longer, So I stepped into the pantry, and I quickly closed the door; Then I grabbed an empty bottle, and the butter I did throttle, And into that empty bottle, all the butter I did pour, Corked it up and let it roar. Then my eyes got sore and smarted, and to bed I soon departed. And to sleep I had just started, when a sound came through the door; 'Twas a sound of awful roaring, and it almost raised the fooring, 'Twas the land lady softly snoring, with a long and lasting roar. Only this and nothing more. C One time a contractor took a contract for a wild cat well and the same day bought a piano for his wife. He wrote her a letter describing it to her as follows: "Golden oak frame with two inch doublers, 84 feet high, with calf wheel attach- ment and Parkersburg rig irons, 30 horse power Ajax engine with lubricator and dope cups, 5 inch stem 36 feet long with I. & H. joints. Oil Well Supply bits and big hole jars, 2200 feet of cordage and ^ sand line, guaranteed to go 2000 feet in 60 days, with fuel and water furnished, at $1.75 a foot and two days throwed in for shooting and cleaning out." I started once to commit suicide; I bought a safety razor. 30 FROM PITHOLE THE OLD DINNER BUCKET How dear to my heart is the well that I worked on, The boiler, the engine, the belt house and derrick, And all the old junk that the contractor had; That smoking old forge and the slack tub stood by it, Those old yellow dogs when the twilight had fell, But one thing I clung to as fond as a brother, That old dinner bucket I took to the well ; That rusty old bucket, that musty old bucket. That grease covered bucket I took to the well. That old dinner bucket I kept as a treasure. For oft times at noon when leaving the rig, I would throw out the prunes, the beans and the coffee, Enough on one well to fatten a pig. How ardent I seized that big chunk of sow-belly, And down the big hole to the bottom it fell. Then followed it up with a big piece of jelly From that old dinner bucket I took to the well; That rusty old bucket, that musty old bucket. That grease covered bucket I took to the well. How sweet was the cream that they put in the coffee. That sounds awful good if it only was true; The crackers and cheese and a hunk of bologna. And a piece of beefsteak that a dog couldn't chew; Then when we would finish and leave the location. The joy that we felt no tongue ever could tell, As we pack up our suit case and start for the station. And leave the old bucket 1 took to the well ; That rusty old bucket, that musty old bucket. That grease covered bucket I took to the well, TO CALIFORNIA 31 BiGHEART OkLA., IN 1912 "Who had the first live pets?" "Noah." "No, Solomon. Don't the Bible say he had 300 wives and 700 porcupines? When I see the beautiful bunches of peaches going along our streets it takes me back to the immortal Shakespeare w^ho said, "None but the brave deserve the fair." And believe me, it takes a brave man to get along w^ith one after he gets her. It took Noah 150 years to build the ark, and an oil man can build a house in three days. The first day he builds the house, the second day he puts in the lights, the third day h^ puts in the livers. I guess that's some pluck, 32 FROM PITUOLE THE AKRON STAR MACHINE (A Parody.) Oh toolie, dear, come listen h^re, the news that's going I 'roundj The standard rig is used no more to drill holes in the ground. iNo more the tug rope will we use, the jerk line can't be !.:\ . .seen, ' '. iFor they're doing all the drilling now with an Akron Star |. Machine. Oh, I met an old driller and he took me by the hand, jAnd I says, how is the oil field and how does she stand? She's the most distressed country that ever I have seen, For they're doing all the drilling now with an Akron Star i>' Machine. rhen -the: law can stop a driller's wife from wearing high iieeied shoes, And make the toolie hold his job and stop his drinking booze, Oh, then I'll change the colors I wear from red to green, But till that day I'll never work on an Akron Star Machine. I've heard whispers of a country down on West Virginia Hills, Where they've got no use for Star Machine and none for Scissor-bills, And it's there I'll buy my ticket from the town of Bowling Green, And bid farewell forever to the Akron Star Machine. 'Where are you from?" 'Clarion County. Please pass the apple butter." TO CALIFORNIA 33 BALDY GEER'S RIDE Listen, my children, and you shall hear Of the midnight ride of Baldy Geer. 'Twas way "back yender" in ninety-five, And Baldy was lucky to be alive After that night, I'll bet the beer. He said to the toolie at lunch that night: "If there's anything doing, and no one oat, I'll get a rig of old Bill White, And meet you at half past nine about; At the corner down by the old red po/e^, And we'll get some booze to take on tower; So take a stroll out 'cross the farm, And turn the trip on the old alarm; They wont catch on, so what's the harm?" A rattle of wheels, then a vanishing speck; A streak in the moonlight, a cluck to the mare; The farmers looked out and said : "By heck. That's some of them oil drillers out on a tear." That was all, and so through the gloom and light, Old Baldy hit her up that night ^And proved again, in his headlong flight, That the booze-hister's path always ends in a wreck. 'Twas eleven-ten by the village clock When they started out on the homeward run. For an auto coming around the block. Just put an end to their harmless fun; For the buggy broke and away went the mare. And there lay Baldy loaded for bear; Their bo'oze was lost in that awful wreck. And the toolie, he was filled to the neck. You know the rest — in accounts you have read How the cops picked Baldy up for dead. And his clothes were torn and his hat was lost, Next morn he got ten bones and cost. So after this when you go for beer Remember the fate of Baldy Geer. ^34 FROM PITHOLE THE PAY DAY THAT I LONGED FOR NEVER CAME I was sitting on a tank as I worked for the Red Bank, And I didn't have a dollar to my name; My shoes had lost their soles, and my clothes were full of holes, And the pay-day that I longed for never came. It was just six months ago since I have had any dough. And I'd like to see a dollar once again; For my gloves have lost their thumbs, and my shirts are full of crumbs. And the pay-day that I longed for never came. If Jim Fisk were still alive, I'll bet you ten to five, He'd help us if he had to cross the Main; For Chicago's needy poor were no worse than us I am sure, For the pay-day that I longed for never came. When the rumor came about that the Red Bank had sold out, I thought the news would turn away my brain; And I tell you I felt tough when I found 'twas all a bluff. For the pay-day that I longed for never came. If there's such a place as hell, I'm sure old The'd will smell. And the devil over him will surely reign; And I hope that I'll be there pouring crude oil on his hair, For the pay-day that I longed for never came. When I was in Vincennes I bought a meal ticket for six dollars. I went to pull a cigar out of my pocket, my meal ticket fell out and one of those miner's with big hob- nailed shoes on stepped on it and punched out a week's board, TO CALIFORNIA 35 The next dance on the program will be a song to the tune of "Just When the Sun Went Down." Two drillers stood in a standard rig, Just at the close of day; They had just finished up on a wild cat well, Now they were going away. One kicked a couple of big hole shoes. One threw a shirt of brown. Bidding farewell to the jars and pipes, Just as the sun went down. One thought of a town in the gum neck state, Swift and lively and gay. Where Eagle and Second and Third streets, too, Are all on the great white way. One thought of a wife and a couple of kids. So he took a hike for town. But the other tough mutt sailed into the Hut Just as the sun went down. When I was a kid I was mad because I couldn't wear long pants. Now it makes me mad because I have to wear them so long. It don't make any difference if the driller's work does get a little slack, the tool dresser's business is always "pick- ing up." Every little driller has a motion all his own. Did you ever see the big hand on the Goddess of Liberty? It took twenty men and a derrick to put it up, and I know men right here in the oil country that can put up a big hand, and they wouldn't know a derrick from a trimo wrench. 36 FROM PITHOLE I was sitting at a table with a young lady. She said she was nearly sick, said she was vaccinated last week and it was taking dreadfully. I looked at her short sleeves and long, graceful arms and asked, "Where were you vaccinated?" She dropped her eyes and said, "Down in the Osae:e Dis- trict." TO CALIFORNIA 37 The boy stood on the derrick roof, Where he for life had fled; The pressure from the gas below Had raised the casing head; "Jump," cried the driller from below, "Jump, sonny, from the ridge!" "I can't," he cried, "you dam'd old fool. This aint the Brooklyn bridge." The gas kept going high and higher, The boy began to choke ; He rolled himself a cigarette And started in to smoke. The gas caught fire and blazed on high, He started down the flame And said, "I may be rather slow, But I got there just the same." "I went back east one time and found half the town sick." "That's nothing, I went up from Vincennes once and found Bridgeport, 111." If the gas well supply the boiler what did the Oil Well Supply? "Will this country ever be settled?" "No, but Bartlesville." "Speaking of Oklahoma, I've been in Tulsa two weeks." "You aint such a much, I've been intoxicated two months." 38 FROM PITHOLE A drunk got on the train at Sullivan and handed the conductor a ten-dollar bill. The conductor said, "Where to?" He said "To H- 1." The conductor said, "Get off at Stoy." WHAT MAKES ALL THE FLIES? The old man makes the gad fly, The girls make the house fly. The gumneck makes the tent fly, The contractor makes the horse fly, The boarders make the butter fly. The toolie makes the blue bottle fly, And the driller makes the bar fly. Last summer I got all run down, so I licked up a fev/ and went to French Lick. I never saw so many pretty gii is in my Hfe. The doctor told me to get around as much a^ possible so the first day I got around some and that night I got aiound some more. The next morning a fellow got onto the operating table and had his appendix cut out, and in the afternoon I got on the roulette table and had my meals cut out. TO CALIFORNIA 39 Last summer Lawrenceville had over 100 cases of typhoid fever. Yes, and Bridgeport had over 500 cases of Hack & Simon. Happy is the driller that stands by the drill, The drill turns around w^ith a right good w^ill. One hand on the throttle, the other on the bar, The drill turns around and he gets the jar. "Don't you think the oil men are a proud set of people?" *T don't know, I never sav^ Jack Heenan turn up his nose at any one." Some people say preachers are lazy and yet Billy Sun- day is v^orking all the time to beat hell. At midnight in his guarded tent, The turk lay dreaming of the hour, When bing! the d — d alarm went off, And he had to go out on tower. Mary had a little lamb. Its fleece was white as snoMr, Her brother had some high life. And the lamb he sure did go. 40 FROM PITHOLE RIGHT OFF THE REEL Mary had a bran new skirt, 'Twas split up to the knee, And everything- was in good shape, As far as I could see. Washington freed the country, McKinley freed the wool, Lincoln freed the niggers, And Teddy spread the bull. Oh, why should the spirit of oil men be proud. When they know any moment they're apt to get slou'd A break on the street, a yell or a whoop. And he passeth from life to a cell in the coop. Old Daddy Hubbard, he went out and rubbered. To see how the women were drest ; But when he got there, their ankles were bare, And any d fool knows the rest. TO CALIFORNIA 41 Parker's Landing, Pa. One time when I was sick the doctor told me I would have to go to a warmer climate. I said, "Where?" He says, "Oh, some place that is awful hot." I said, "Well, if I keep on doctoring with you I'll go there." I said "Doc how about going down town?" He said, "Go anywhere you feel like." I said, "I feel like hell." He said, "Then go there," 42 FROM PITgOLE ^ MAUD MULLER Maud Muller, on a summer day, Was slinging hash in a swell cafe; SheM flirt with the boys along the street, And hollered two, and a stack of wheat. One day as the Judge was passing by, She winked at him with a *'goo-goo" eye; Next day for a glass he chanced to stop. And Maud dished out some Maltese pop; And as he drank he winked at Maud, While she tapped his arm and called him Claud. Then he gave her little chin a chuck. And slipped her a nickle just for luck. Then she leaned her head on his manly breast. And took ten plunks from his fancy vest. But the boss came in and his dream was o'er. And he wandered out on the street once more. Then Maud laid off till half past eight. And paid her room rent up to date; And bought a skirt of the "see them" style, And the other girls were skinned a mile. The Judge went out in his touring car. And he reached in his vest for a good cigar. And he missed the ten that Maud had snatched. And said to himself, as his head he scratched. Of all sad words at home or abroad. The saddest are these : "Her name was Maud.'* _ TO CALIFORNIA 43 THE BRANDEBERRY WELL There's a few simple verses I am going to rriark down, Of the state of affairs going on in this town; And a few simple verses that I wish to tell, Since I started to work on the Brandeberry Well. I came here in August and got me a room; The town of Patoka was then on the boom; But I wish the whole business had been shoved into H , Before I ever heard of the Brandeberry Well. And the next thing I done was to get me a wife, To pester my feelings and worry my life; But I was not contented, I am sorry to tell, And I hated the sight of the Brandeberry Well. And the men who worked there were surely a sight. And the way they all shirked was simply a fright; They would fill up on whiskey and stand around and yell. Till the people all soured on the Brandeberry Well. There was Curly and Byron and Smithson and Newt, And another young fellow who sure was a beaut; And then there was Harbin, another young Swell, Who filled up the list at the Brandeberry Well. There was Cutter, George Elsie, and Sidner and Dad', And five or six others who were just as bad; There was Swayze and Harper and another named Del, Were all with the crew at the Brandeberry Well. Now when I am gone to that mansion of rest. And sit on the throne like a hen on a nest, Let every one say as they hear my death knell, "He died of old age on the Brandeberry Well." 44 FROM PITHOLE "I married my wife in a cathedral." "That's nothing-, I married mine in a kimono." If Virginia is the mother of Presidents, Nebraska must be an old maid. What makes the driller's hair turn gray? What makes him curse and swear? It aint his kneelin down to pray, And it aint his family care, 'Taint the everlasting walking on that everlasting walk, It's the dam'd insipid toolie with his dam'd insipid talk. He'll smoke and chew and eat and spit, He smells most awful vile. And he'll lose himself forever. If he gets away a mile; He'll go and work the whok day long. And drink the whole night through. But when it comes to cussin' He just splits himself in two. The pumper knows a quite a bit, The roust-a-bout's a mule. The farm boss he's a gentleman, The driller he's a fool. But the dam'd insipid toolie. When all is said and done, Is an ostrich and camel And an orphant child in one. TO CALIFORNIA 45 Two sisters want washing. (Bring 'em out to the rig some night.) WANTED: — A furnished room by a young lady with a good view of the west end. Neck pieces and muffs made up for fashionable young ladies out of their own skins. Furnished rooms for young married couples with wide piazzas and bay windows. WANTED: — Room by single man, one where he could have his wife with him over Sunday preferred. LOST: — Set of long stroke jars by contractor with I. and H. joints. I used to dress tools for an old driller. He always had something for me to do. If I started for the lazy bench he would say, "Scour up that pin." If I went to sit down on the forge he would say, "Fill up the yellow dogs." He never would let me sit down a minute. One morning just as I went to raise the lower guage, the boiler blew up. I went 3000 feet high. When I got down about twenty feet above the top of the rig I met him going up. Just as I passed him he said, "When you get down pick up the tools." 46 FROM PITHOLE THE SCISSOR-BILL BOARDING HOUSE I boarded with a Scissor-bill, And ate her bill-o-fare; I paid my board bill every week And settled on the square; Her cakes were white as the driven snow, On them there was no stain, I swallowed them in anguish. And digested them in pain. I ate her currant jelly, And I ate gooseberry jam; With forty miles of side pork And never found a ham. The butter was a luxury She didn't seem to have. Except the apple butter, We call it Clarion County salve. The midnight lunch was rotten. And the buckets they were bum; The beds were always moving, And we caught them as they come; We paid her thirty cents a meal. For eating up her junk, And a porcupine would break its teeth. If he tried to gnaw her punk. Her sausage it was awful, 'Twas made of fat and flies. And we tapped our boots with pie crust From those damn'd sole leather pies; I would rather go back to Parkersburg And starve among the hills. Than to stay out here in luxury, Among these Scissor-bills. TO CALIFORNIA 47 THE LANDLADY'S REPLY I've been a keepin' boarders, and the troubles that I've had Would surely make a preacher swear, or drive an angel mad ; They come along six weeks ago, all dressed up neat and nice, And wanted me to take them in and never asked the price; But when they went to change their clothes you ought to see those scamps, They didn't look a bit the same, and dirtier than tramps. They all came in to dinner and I thought my head would split. For they had to splice the spudding line and dress a big hole bit; And then they had to fill the forge and make it good and tight, / And they had to hop right to it if they started up thai- night; There was part come in to supper, and they said I have to take The others' suppers to them, and I had to make a cake. They got up some time in the night, I don't know just the hour, And went right out to go to work and called it running tower ; And then along about twelve o'clock they all come in a bunch. And ate up everything in sight and called it midnight lunch; Then they sat and laughed and talked, and kept us all awake, Till I almost felt like killing the one they call the snake. He talked about that deep stuff and the lower pay they found. And then that Indiana man would put the string around ; He always made the fastest time and drilled without the jars, And boarded twelve miles away from home and rode on electric c^rs; 48 FROM PITgOLE And then that man from Lima would drill the Trenton rock, But the Clarion County horse thief, he had them skinned a block. He had a dozen different sands, aid all was hard to dig, But he finished up in seven days, and tubed and moved the rig; The toolies they just sat and grinned and talked about the punk, And how much they spent in Terre Haute the last time they were drunk; ^ And then they told about their homes, they had them fixed so nice, But when they came to pay their board they didn't have the price. It's easy enough to be pleasant. With a lass and a glass and a song. But the man worth while is the guy who can smile When he's got the old woman along. TO CALII^ORNIA 49 Tank Farm, Bridgeport, III. A farmer sat on a barnyard fence, Screwing up pipe with a trimo wrench; The northwest wind, grew sweeter and sweeter, And the Ohio's gas blew through his meter. The only thing I saw on the square in Carlyle was the court house. 50 FROM PITHOLE THE STAR MACHINE I've seen the little dipper, And I've seen the milky way; I've seen the star of Bethlehem Just at the break of day; I've seen the rings of Saturn, And I've seen the planet Mars, And in my rambles through this life I've seen most all the stars. But there's one that shines above the rest Of all the stars I've seen, It's the Devil's own invention. And it's called the Star Machine. TO CALIFORNIA 51 Fve seen the stars upon the stage, I've seen them in the sky ; And I've seen them on a copper's coat, When *'Comin' Thru the Rye." I've seen them on the grand old rag That floats upon the air, And one time in a free-for-all, I saw stars everywhere; But I hope some day to be called away To leave this earthly scene, Where I'll have to use a telescope To see a Star Machine. "How did you get your face burned so badly?" "Well, the boiler bucked and I looked in to see if it was going to go — and it went." 52 FROM PITHOLE THE TOOL DRESSER'S ADIEU The tool dresser stood by the boiler door, Whence all but him had fled, lie watched the lower guage turn blue, And the crown sheet had turned red ; But firm and steadfast still he stood And tried to start the pump, A creature of heroic blood, A great, big awkward chump. The driller hollered, "Come away, You know that boiler's dry. If you don't make your get-away You'll wake up in the sky." Then came a burst of thunder sound, Where did that toolie hike, Go ask yon cloud of hissing steam That took him up the pike. The largest piece they found of him Was not so very big. But ought to have seen the overalls That plastered up the rig. TO CALIFORNIA 53 THE OIL BELT LINE I've rode the Katy Flyer, and I've rode the Cannon Ball, And in my travels through the land I guess I've rode them all, But of all the trains I ever rode there's only one for mine. And it's called the Ragweed Special on the Oil Belt Line. You can talk about your Clover Leaf, and tell how fast they come, The Erie makes me weary, and the Big Four's awful bum, The B. & O. is very slow and never runs on time. But give me the Ragweed Special on the Oil Belt Line. The 'Frisco road aint such a much, nor yet the Santa Fe, I don't want no Iron Mountain and no Wabash road for me; The C. H. & D. does fairly well, the Booze Train's mighty fine, But I'll take the Ragweed Special on the Oil Belt Line. The Twentieth Century Limited is the fastest train they say, They run from Chicago to New York and do it in a day ; But from Marion, Indiana, to "Bingen on the Rhine," . They can't beat the Ragweed Special on the Oil Belt Line. They run on the tri-weekly plan, it always makes me vext, They run to Oblong one week and tri to get back the next; You've got the Tango, Grizzly Bear and Turkey Trot com- bine, If you ride the Ragweed Special on the Oil Belt Line. 54 FROM PITHOLE DERBY'S CROOKED HOLE My name is Dalrymple, and I came from Kinzua Town, I've traveled this wide world over, and I've traveled this wide world round; I've met with ups and downs in life, and better days I've seen, But I never knew what misery was till I worked on a Star Machine. I was standing on the street one day, 'twas early in the fall, My clothes were getting shabby and my bank account was small ; When a gentleman named Derby appeared upon the scene, He was looking for a toolie to go on a Star Machine. I worked eight days for the son-of-a-gun, and everything went fine. My heart began to lighten up and my eyes began to shine; But when we started up again, I tell you things went mean, And I cussed the day I ever set my eyes on a Star Machine. For fifteen days and nights we worked and got a crooked hole, I swore so much at that machine I know I lost my soul ; And when I'm dead and buried and my grave is covered green, I'll roll over in my coffin and cuss that Star Machine. We plugged the hole with mud and stone, we plugged it up with wood, We plugged it up with everything but it didn't do no good; So Derby sent Chic Snyder out with a load of glycerine, And he blowed the crooked hole to hell, but he left the daran machine. TO CALIFORNIA 55 THE BRIDGEPORT FIRE Friday, June 13, 1913. On Friday, the thirteenth of June, an awful thing did turn up, A fire broke out that afternoon, and tried this town to burn up, The blacksmith shop was first to go and then the livery stable, But Jackson quickly took the cue and got out every table. The elevator went up next and lost their wheat and barley ; Then in a jifif it took a whiff and out went Hamburg Charley; Dick Lewis ran out in the street and hollered ''Heaven save us!" And saw the flame make one big scoop and clean up Junky Davis. When Mrs. Sutton's room-house went she thought Old Nick had got 'er. With all the town just burning down and not a drop of water. The Boston Store went with a roar and then burned J. H. Mills up; When Dr. Jones' office went it melted all his pills up. The burning brands with flaming hands soon cleaned out Mr. Cox's, I thought about that Bible piece of Sampson and the foxes. The Oil Well and Jarecki, too, forgot to pay their rental. And crossed the street with fiery feet to join the Con- tinental. 56^ FROM PITHOLE Lawrence vi lie and Vincennes come as fast as they could whizz 'er, And oil men came from miles around and likewise every Scissor; The old machine shop went so fast and everything in stock, too, That all were beat for speed and heat and skinned a country , block, too. The oil men fought away like mad and never stopped to tank up. And then the fire broke through the roof and burned the Bridgeport Bank up; The fearful heat across the street soon took the old hotel out. And then like grain before the flail the Seeds just fairly fell out. The grocery store just went along although we really need 'er, And then the fire stopped on its way and took the Bridge- port Leader; And everybody heaved a sigh and hope at last came to us, As the fearful fiend lay down at last at the home of Dr. Lewis; And the only thing that we repent which causes us to weep. Oh! Is just because we lost the bank and saved the ! ! depot. "There's no great loss without some gain," this comes to one and all. But the only place where Bridgeport gained — we lost the City liall. TO CALIFORNIA 57 I had a dear brother once who would have made a most eloquent speaker but he was cut down during his first speech. A large audience had gathered and he was waited on by the most prominent men of the county, one was the sheriff, and after mounting the platform which had been erected for this special occasion, he started to make an address when sud- denly the platform gave way and his neck became entangled with a rope and he was jerked hence into that dim futurity from whose bourne no traveler returns. 35,000 Barrel Tank Struck by Lightning Bridgeport, Illinois 58 FROM PITHOLE "Way down on the Lehigh Valley road, Where June bugs and rag weeds grew, I used to work in a restaurant there, And, say, 'twas a bum one, too. I went with a guy a month or two. When a foolish thing I did; I went away for a couple of days And came back with a little kid. Now, don't commence your laughing, What makes you standa nd grin? This was a little Billy, With whiskers under his chin. He was the sweetest little thing, But alas, one fatal day, A stranger came along the road, And stole little Billy away. That's all of my story, stranger, Now run along and play, For ril find the bloat that got my goat. If it takes till Christmas day. TO CALIFORNIA 59 THE OLD WALKING BEAM The toolie bird upon the beam was singing, And the toolie on the forge was firmly set; The tools within the hole were slowly swinging, While the driller stopped to make a cigarette. In the shade of the old walking beam. You could hear the exhaust of the steam; With a nose»that is blue, I'll be letting down screw, In the shade of the old walking beam. Oh, mother, may I go out to swim. Way down behind the willers, I'll hang my clothes on a hickory limb, And wont go near the drillers. 60 FROM PITHOLE My sister and I have a large amount of money between us. She is in Pennsylvania and Fm here. I think there is nothing so sacred as the matrimonial bonds and that every one of marriageable age should get married. What an av^ful thing it v^ould be if no one got married. A man w^ouldn't even knov^ his own children. One time when my wife was sick I got a case of beer and a pound of limberger cheese. Next morning the doctor came and when I opened the door he got a whiff of my breath and said, "When did she die?" "I saw the American soldiers taking Manilla." "That's nothing, I saw a bunch of oil men taking Peruna." "I used to be a rough rider." "Where?" "I used to brake on the narrow guage from Foxburg to Kane." "What nationality is young Johnson?" "Oh, he's; a cross between a white woman and a rig builder." TO CALIFORNIA 61 If one of our best sailing vessels would run up against a schooner she would sink, and one day down at Vincennes I run up against fifty and sunk every one of them. Some people cry "hard times." I say things are picking up. The junk buyer's business is picking up, the tool dresser's business is picking up; you can even make money picking up chips if you pick up enough and bet on the right cards. I even look around daytimes to see what I can pick up coming off tower at night. When Wilson was elected he offered me a position as brakeman on the Panama Canal but I sent in a resignation and told him I wanted to be pork inspector in Jerusalem. The good Book says the lion and lamb lie down together but I can't find any place where the lamb ever got up. Did you ever notice how our lovely young ladies dress? Sealskin, pony skin, wolf skin, mink, beaver, fox and wild cat skin, while poor old Mother Eve had to be satisfied in bear skin. I have a brother who started out to be Mayor of St. Louis at the tender age of 17 years, and now he is the best shoe maker in Jefferson City, and he and Bryan both say one term is enough. 62 FROM PITIJOLE One time a lecturer started in an oil town to make an address. He said "Ladies and Gentlemen and oil people." That is as far as he got. A Jew over at Sandoval told a fellow that he had just married a girl from Carlyle. The fellow said, "What did you marry her for; every tool dresser in Carlyle went with her." The Jew said, "Veil, Carlyle aint such a big oil field." A tool dresser said to the driller, "I saw your wife at the picture show last night and I believe she is the homliest woman I ever saw." The driller said, "Don't you know that beauty is only skin deep?" The toolie said, "Then for God's sake skin her." Do you believe what it says in the Bible about a camel going through the eye of a needle? Well, you know my woman weighs 200 pounds and I've seen her go through my vest pocket. I asked a young lady why she called her dog "Driller." She said, "Because he growls at everything he eats and chases everything he sees." If the driller paid his wife's board would the tool dresser? I went into a restaurant. I said, "Have you got anything fit for a hog to eat?" He said, "Yes, what do you want." TO CALIFORNIA 63 I used to rise with the lark, but now I go to bed with too many swallows to rise with the lark. One time I got mad at a sassy kid; I said, "There is enough brass in your face to make a large kettle." He said, "Yes, and there's enough sap in your head to fill it." "I wouldn't marry the best man I ever saw." Every girl says that but you still see safety pins in the show cases. My wife calls my mother "small pox" because shie pittied me. "Have you got a family tree?" "No, we've got Anheuser Busch." I took my girl to an ice cream parlor and I couldn't understand how a kid of her size could hold so much ice cream. When I got home I took down an old arithmetic and started to figure it out, when I happened to blunder on to the whole secret. It said, "One gal. equal to four quarts." 64 FROM PiTUOLE THE OIL JOHNNYS REPLY Some Scissor up at Lawrencevilie has been to big expense. To figure out a post card called "The Scissor-bill Defense;" He says, "They've lived for fifty years right here in Illinois," And does a lot of "spoutin' off" for those old scissor boys ; He seems to think wt left our homes on those old eastern hills, And come out here on purpose to call them "scissor-bills." He says until we came out here the "scissor" lived in peace, I don't know what they lived on unless 'twas corn and grease ; Of course, we come from eastern lands, also from foreign climes. And found the poor old scissor-bills were 'way behind the times; And then we went to drillin' and struck the lucky pool. Which paid the mortgage on the farm and sent their kids to school. We came out here from New York State and West Virginia's hills, For a chance to see the country and cop out the "scissor- bills;" And then them Pennsylvania boys he speaks of in his song, Just come out here to Illinois and brought the stork along; The Indiana Gum-necks 'and the Yellow-hammer lads. Have left a lot of orphans here a-bawlin' for their dads. TO CALIFORNIA 65 We don't say nothing of our wives, because our wives we trust; But these here girls in Illinois will get to us or bust; We tell them first we're single until we start the flame, And when they find we're married they love us just the same ; He says we ''come to get their dough," but till us oil boys come, Most every scissor-bill was broke and strictly on the bum. And when we put them on their feet and helped them out of debt, And dressed them up in tailored suits, this is the thanks we get; He thinks they are in clover, he surely is a goose. For where was he until wc came and turned the jackass loose? Of course we hike for booze and fun down in the redlight slums. And if we pay the scissor's way we never lack for chums. Now when our well at last goes dry and the tubing taken out, I don't want any "scissor-bill" a-taggin' me about, Because if seats are 75 upon that golden fence. He'll try to Jew St. Peter down to 40 or 50 cents; And when I get to Heaven and the golden throne I see. If I find a lot of ''scissor-bills" 'twill make it hell for me. There is so much bad in the worst of it, • And so little good in the best of it, That the best you get is the worst of it. 66 FROM PITHOLE CO CD 00 z o w PL, o z pL, TO CALIFORNIA 67 I like Bowling Green but I like North Balti-more. If a street car ran into Fostoria. what would Tole-do? Drill and the world drills with you, Dress tools and you work alone. A young lady whose name was Philura Fell down and hurt her like fura, She says, "Oh, my knee Is just awful to see," I said, "Well, I'm from Missura." I bought a watch. It was a patent lever. I had to leav'er at every watch shop I came to. You can sing anything you want to in a saloon if you let the bartender accompany you on the cash register. If I came over the B. & O. to Sandoval what would I. C. ? If a woman jumped in a 250-barrel tank would the oil saver. "Vill your shoes go in my trunk?" "No, but Sistersville." It is better to live in the second story with your own wife than with a bawling woman in a bad house. 68 FROM PITHOLE WILL THERE BE ANY STARS IN MY CROWN 'Mid these changeable scenes, on these old Star Machines, You can hear it abroad or in town ; But the thing that I dread is that after I'm dead. Will there be any Stars in my crown? Will there be any Stars, any Stars in my crown? If there is wont you please take 'em down; For I never could rest, in that mansion that's blest. If there is any Stars in my crown. On that last final day when they lay me away. And the mourners have all gathered 'round. It would sure break my heart, if the choir chanced to start, "Will There Be Any Stars in My Crown." Will there be any Stars, any Stars in my crown? If there is I'll "go back and sit down; For that heavenly dell, will just simply be h — , If there is any Stars in my crown. TO CALIFORNIA 69 A boot-legger was arrested in Robinson, with a suitcase full of whiskey. The judge fined him $100. They searched him and found only $60. The judge says, **Give him his suit case and turn him loose for an hour till he gets the other $40." *T have a brother in Crawford County, Illinois, who had a horse run away with him and he was kept in for three weeks." "That's nothing. I've got a brother in Clarion County, Pennsylvania, who ran av/ay with a. horse three years ago, and they are keeping him in yet." A tool dresser had an operation performed on his head. The surgeon took out his brains and told him to come back the next day and have them put back; he did not com 3. One day about 3 weeks later the surgeon met him on the street and said, "When are you coming after those brains?" He replied, "I don't need them now, I've gone to drilling." 70 FROM PITHOLE THE TOOL DRESSER The tool dresser that cometh into the oil field is small potatoes and few in a hill. • He goeth forth Monday morning dead broke, looking for a job; and cometh into town Saturday night with a roll that would choke a cow. He goeth to the first booze joint and filleth his hide with strong drink; and lo, he is full even as a goat. He setteth them up at the bar many times ; and yelleth with a loud voice that he will not go home till morning. And when he goeth abroad he secth the cop ; he turns and runs, yea even as a steer in the corn. But the cop overhauleth him; he being easy to catch. He sleepeth in the coop over night and waketh in the morning with a strong breath and a weak stomach. He is taken before the wise elders who imposeth a fine of seven sixty and costs. Blessed are the tool dressers, for they shall inherit the earth. TO CALIFORNIA 71 I came out of a saloon in St. Louis one time and let out a yell that could be heard for a mile. A cop stepped up to a telephone pole and pushed his finger against it and up come the dandiest automobile I ever saw. It was certainly a peach. I was just simply carried away with it. One time I met a preacher. I asked, "How is your wife?" She's well, thank God." "How are the children?" "They're well, thank God." "How is your wife's mother?" "She's dead, thank God." "Were you in Texas during the last boom?" "No, I wasn't Electra-cuted." The first night my wife and I were married we went up to the room. I sat down on the edge of the bed while my wife was getting ready to retire. She took out one eye, then she took out her teeth, then she took ofif her hair, then she said, "Dear me, I am so tired I haven't been able to get off my feet all day." I jumped up and said, "For God's sake, do they come off too?" 72 FROM PITHOLE o 12: o PQ H H TC CALIFORNIA 73 There was a fellow up at the boarding house last night trying on overcoats. I guess mine must have fit him. A woman is the greatest traveler of the present time. Two days before marriage she is in the promised land, one day before marriage she is in the Holy Land, the day she is married you find her in the state of matrimony, the next two weeks she is in the honeymoon and the next week she is in Reno getting a divorce. I guess that's going some. I attended a party recently and they played a game v/here the one that made the worst looking face got a prize. They all done their best and then a man came up to me and said, "Sir, you win the prize," and I wasn't even playing. My boy says "Mama, what does papa play when he takes a long pole, rubs some chalk on the end of it, hists up one leg and pushes some balls all over the table and says damn?" 74 FROM PITHOLE TWENTY YEARS AGO. (Parody) I've been out to the country, Tom, in my old two-wheeled Where you and I once drilled a well with that old standard rig; There was no one there to greet me, Tom, and nothing left to show, That worked with us upon the lease, just twenty years ago. The field is just as good, Tom, I heard the pumper say. The same old well is pumping yet, it makes a barrel a day; But the farm boss skipped the country, Tom, they say he had to blow. You know he was a crooked chap, some twenty years ago. The boarding house is altered some, the kitchen floor re- , placed With new boards somewhat like the old our boot heels once defaced; The landlady sits in the same old chair, her hair is white as snow, You know it used to be so red, just twenty years ago. The table cloth is just as red, the table just as long. The prunes are in the same old dish and the butter just as strong; And sitting down to eat a lunch, dear Tom I startel so To think of the bean^ we used to eat, just twenty years agi*. The hired girl is married now, another fills her place. She hasn't got as nice a form, but prettier in the face : She waved her little hand at me, just as I went to go. And I thought of the kiss I used to get, just twent)^ years ago. TO CALIFORNIA 75 Some boys were drilling another well upon that same old scene, They had a bran new fangled thing, 'twas called a Star Ma- chine ; 'Twas worked with levers from the front, by pulling so and so; It wasn't like the rig we used, some twenty years ago. You know those country girls we had, I forget the tall one's name, I passed off as a single man, and so did you the same; But when our wives came in that night, the stuff was off you know, I guess they had us going some, just twenty years ago. Some are in the Kansas field, and some in Tennessee, And few are left of us old hicks, excepting you and me; But when our well is measured up, and we are called to go, I hope they'll lay us where we drilled, just twenty years ago. 77 FROM PITHOLE Robinson House, Tulsa, Okla. The driller took 'a green toolie out Sunday night. They had an Oil City steam guage, with the glass broke out. The driller, supposing him to be an old hand at the business, went in the rig and laid down while the toolie was firing up. The driller soon fell asleep and did not wake up till three o'clock. He ran to the boiler and the guage showed thirty pounds. "What," he cries, "only thirty pounds of steam?" The toolie says "She went clear around to Oil City and I helped her over the peg and she's going around again." TO CALIFORNIA 77 They say love is blind; well marriage is an eye opener. Marriage is a baloon that takes people to heaven. Yes, and divorce is a parachute that brings them back dov^n again. Matches may be made in heaven but I'll bet they are dipped down below. I couldn't get the girl I wanted so I got the girl that wanted me. We boarded at a place where they had a very small baby. I asked an old driller if that wasn't the smallest baby he ever saw. He said "No, When my John was born he was as little as two of him." Love is blind; that is why they always turn out the gas. I started out once to be an actor. I was called out by three prominent men the first week, the landlord," the con- stable and the sheriff. 78 FROM PITUOLE 'Way down around the Ambraw river, Away from all the noise, There stands a little old blind tiger — Tlut's where you'll find us boys. T'lc glasses are all sour and beery Every night and noon ; Oh, mister, how it makes me weary To think of a good saloon. When I was boarding with my mother, 'J hen I could buy; Now I have to pay my board bill, That's why I'm always dry. All up and down the street I wander, Wearing out my shoes. Longing for a nice, cold bottle; Or for a drink of booze. TO CALIFORNIA 7Q At one place where I boarded, the lady had the best butter I ever saw. It let you know it was on the table the moment you entered the room. I asked the landlady where she kept it. She said she carried it in from the cellar every day. I said, "I thought it walked in." She said, "It can't very well walk in from the cellar can it?" I said, "It ought to walk in from the country." She said, "We don't get it from the country, my daughter churns it every week." I said, "The lazy thing." She said, "Who, my daughter?" I said, "No, the butter. That butter is strong enough to churrl itself, and I know it is older than I am." She said, "How do you know it is older than you are?". I said, Because I found gray hairs on it." If the injector stopped working would the donkey-pump? If Odin is square is Sandoval? The well was about to be shot and as they were lowering the last shell, a young lady ran breathlessly up to the tool dresser and asked, "Would glycerine kill anybody?" He said, "No, but dynamite." If Avant took a piece of Bigheart what was it Skiatook? What two in the past five years have done most to re- lieve the suffering of mankind? Hack & Simon. "Did you have good luck in California?" "I should say I did; I came back on the train." 80 FROM PITUOLE When I was in Bartlesville I went into a lady barber shop to get shaved. That was the first female joint I ever saw. When I went in the barber was sitting on a fellow's lap. She jumped up and said, "You're next." I said, "I know it and I know who I am next too." She said, "Where did you get your hair cut?" I said, "On my head." She said, "Do you want a close shave?" I said, "No, I just had one, my wife passed the window and didn't look in." I gave her a quarter, she handed me back ten cents and before I thought where I was I said "Put it in the piano." When I was in Tulsa I went down to the depot and told the agent I wanted to leave town the worst possible way. He said, "Take the Midland Valley." ' TO CALIFORNIA 81 A tool dresser was taking his mother back east to be buried. The train ran off the track and broke the baggage car in two and piled everything up. The conductor came along and found the young man wringing his hands and crying. ''Are you hurt very bad," he asked. "No" answered the toolie, "but just look at ma; she don't look fit to go to hell." If a girl married a wart hog would their children be called derrick pigs? I bought a watch dog for my wife and the first night when I came home he took after me and we went round and round. Finally after he had my clothes nearly torn off I got a rope on him. I took him back to the old fellow I bought him from. I said, "Didn't you used to have this dog?" He said, "Well, I did about half of the time and the other half he had me." 82 FROM PITHOLE We only had one child. My wife isn't much of a kidder. An old pipe liner was coming up from Oklahoma. He was sitting behind a couple of school ma'ams. One asked, "How many children have you?" She said, "Seventeen, how many have you?" She said, "Twenty-one." The old man leaned over and said, "Excuse me, ladies' are your husbands pumping for the Ohio?" My wife put some bologna in the kids' lun:h yesterday and they growled all night. They are the wurst kids I ever saw. In fact, my wife said she never sausage children. Girls, don't have anything to do with the oil m^n. They are all married and if there does happen to be a single one in the bunch I'll bet some one has let him out to double. If I was a nice young lady I wouldn't marry any man, and I would raise my daughters to hate and detest them. One of the casing men started a saloon down the street. The rest of the gang called it the last joint. "Were you at Allendale daring the boom?" "No, the train was 15 minutes late and it was all over when I got there." "Could a locust go from St. Louis to Oklahoma over the Frisco?" "No, but a Katy-did." TO CALIFORNIA 83 When I see so much graft and grabbing and dishonesty in the world today my mind runs back to George, the im- mortal Washington, who sharpened up his little hatchet and sailed in to hew out the rig timbers for this glorious republic where we now board for six dollars a week and prunes throwed in. Oh, my dear, deluded friends, go to your homes tonight and say, "From this hour forth, I will be honest." Pay up your debts, even if you have to beat your grocery bill to do it. 84 FROM PITHOLE My father got rich selling tickest at the moving picture show. When a man came up to buy a ticket he would throw down a two dollar bill or a five. Father would blow his breath in his face and say, "How many?" The man would say, "Oh, never mind, keep the change." When I went through to California we stopped at Salt Lake City. We went through the Mormon temple. I saw Brigham's motto. It was, "Go it while you're Young." You can say what you like about whiskey. I believe in putting it down and keeping it down, and I don't believe anyone has put it down any more than I have but the great trouble with me is I can't keep it down. I do think a drink once in a while does a man good if he knows when to stop. Now, When I go out I take fifteen or twenty drinks and then before I go to bed I take thirty-five or forty more, so you see I know when to stop. A couple of months ago I got run down. I was weak as a cat. The doctor told me to take whiskey. I got a barrel of whiskey and put it in the cellar. I couldn't hardly roll it over. Now I can pick it up and throw it around anywhere. When I was courting my wife I didn't have the nerve to come right out and ask her to marry me so I went up to the telephone office and called up, "Hello, is this Miss John- son?" She answered "Yes' sir." "Will you marry me," I asked. She said, "Yes, who is it?" TO CALIFORNIA 85 I found the most polite people I ever saw in Gushing, Oklahoma. When I went in the hotel some one took my hat, another took my overcoat, another took my overshoes and in less than half an hour they had my watch and pocket book. The landlord says when Gabriel blows his horn he will wake up many a sinner in Oklahoma. I said, "Gabriel never will blow his horn in Oklahoma for somebody from Gushing will steal it as soon as he crosses the Kansas line. 86 FROM PITHOLE Petroua, Pa.^ in 1874, TO CALIFORNIA 87 Oh, don't you remember Sweet Alice, Ben Bolt, . Sweet Alice who boarded the crew. Who filled all our buckets with punk and cold beans, And gave all the good things to you? In the old boarding house, in the corner, Ben Bolt, Where we used to eat fat pork and pone, They have fitted a room with a telephone booth, And Sv/eet Alice, she answers the phone. Knock and the world knocks with you. Boost and you boost alone ; If you knock good and loud. You will fi'^d that the crovvd, i.as a hammer as big as your own. The eagle soars the azure sky, And paves his way to fame; But the stork keeps down close to the ground, And he gets there just the same. *'John Axe married a widow named Wood." "Did she have any children?" ''Yes, a couple of chips." 88 FROM PITHOLE One time on a train an Irishman asked me to join his crowd and play a little game of poker. I told him I couldn't play. He asked why. I told him I had several reasons. He asked me what they were. I said, ''One is I haven't any money." He said, "Then to H — 1 with the rest of them." The tool dresser quit one morning and came in crying. He told the contractor the driller kicked him. "Where did he kick you?" "Right between the Sampson post and the dump hole." One time a kid in town tiaded me a bushel of apples for one of my books. The next time I saw him I said, "Say, kid, those apples were rotten." He says, "So was the book." "The cat is the most musical animal, in fact, they are full of music." "How do you make that out" "Oh fiddlestrings ! That's what a cats-gut." No matter what the tool dresser says, everything is "all right" with the driller, TO CALIFORNIA 89 90 FROM PITHOLE Homestead Well, Pithole, 1865. TO CALIFORNIA 91 At a big dinner up in York state Parker was asked to pass the cow. But they didn't have to ask Teddy to spread the bull at that Chicago convention. "I slept with Bill Jones the night he died." *'Did anyone know you did?" /'Sure, Bill was dead next to me." "She doji't look like a bad girl." "Well, you never saw a buck beer sign on a blind tiger." My father killed more men than any other two men in the civil war. He was the company doctor. When I married my wife she was Helen White. And the same in black. Some famous man said, "Give me a lever and I'll move the world." Give me two pounds of beans and I'll blow up the town. If the contractor wanted a wife could the rig-builder? "Illinois has more fine weather and less rain than any other state." "Yes, but Oklahoma has more moonshine and less sun- shine than any other six states." "What nationality is Secretary McAdoo?" "I don't know, but by the way he takes to young women, ^ cruess he's an oil man." 92 FROM PITHOLE Broadway, Avant, Okla. Old King- Cole couldn't make any hole For a very poor driller was he; So he shut the mill down and went into town And g-ot on a h — of a spree. TO CALIFORNIA 93 THE WILD CAT WELL Of all the wells I ever seen, With a standard rig or a Star Machine, Or a Parkersburg or a rig and reel, We had up in the Patoka field. I will not tell the contractor's name. But you bet your life that boy was game;, He went up there with a streak of rust, And says, "I'll drill her in or bust." Well, he started in with a crew of men. And his appetite and a fountain pen; Then set it to running day and night. Till all he had left was his appetite. The Bible tells of the patience of Job, And his troubles reached around the globe; But the Bible doesn't go on to tell. That Job ever drilled a wild cat well. And it says old Noah stemmed the flood. And kept the animals chewing their cud; But 'twould surely paint a different scene. If they'd changed the ark for a Star Machine. I'm a working man and rather rough. And I aint much versed on that gospel stuff. But if ever a man keeps out of hell. It's the one that drills a wild cat well. 94 FROM PITUOLE As the President of the United States said to the President of Mexico — "Cut it oat." THE END. TO CALIFORNIA 95 " • • • • 1 » " < , Star Portable Drilling: Machine No. 30 or 4000-Foot Equipped with crane and hoist for removing heavy parts, 60-ft. derrick, calf and shear poles for pulling casing, 12 x 11 engine and same size and weight of tools as used on the standard rig. Write for catalog and prices. The Star Drilling Machine Co. Largest Drilling Machine Manufacturers in the World. Four Big Plants: Arkon, 0., Chanute, Kans., Portland, Ore., Long Beach, Cal. ^^ DEAR READER:- During the Bridgeport Fire of June 13, 1913, the entire collection of cuts pertaining to the book "Through Ilunois on a Star Machine" was burned; and as I have had so many calls for it, I am using some of my former poems in this book. My next book will be "Crude Oil," two bits a bailer. Everything new. Coming out soon. Watch for it. Thanking you for past favors and hoping to please you in the future, I am Yours Sincerely, Smith Dalrymple. UNIVER8ITY OP CALIFORNIA LIBRARY THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE STAMPED BELOW ^tJG 18 1915 MW 3 ^92^ 30m-l,'15 y:cio?72i -w UNIVKRSITY OF CAI^IFORNIA LIBRARY i^T*-: r*:: a:^*-^> 'imyf^^-^mm^j^?^m