I 
 
 I 
 
 
 
 I

 
 SYDNIE ADRIANCE.
 
 POPULAR BOOKS 
 
 By MISS -A.. M. 1>OTJOI^A.8, 
 
 Uniform with this volume. $1.50 each. 
 
 1. IN TRUST; 
 
 Or, Dr. BertrancTs Household. 
 
 2. STEPHEN DANE. 
 
 3. CLAUDIA. 
 
 4. SYDNIE ADRIANCE; 
 
 Or, Trying the World. 
 
 "The style of fiction of this author is not of that sensational character 
 so devoid of truth and nature that the reader can find no 
 parallel of characters in real life, but the incidents seem 
 more like photographs of facts, tinted by the im- 
 agination of the writer, even as a picture 
 Is touched by a skilful artist" 
 American Baptist. 
 
 Sold by all Booksellers and Newsdealers, and sent by mail, 
 postpaid, on receipt of price. 
 
 LEE & SHEPARD, PUBLISHERS, BOSTON.
 
 SYDNIE ADRIANCE; 
 
 OB, 
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 
 
 BY 
 
 AMANDA M. DOUGLAS, 
 
 AUTHOR OF " IN TRUST," " STEPHEN DAME," " CLAUDIA," ETC. 
 
 Student. How does the book begin, go on, and end? 
 Fettut. It has a plan, bat no plot. Life hath none. 
 
 BAILKY. 
 
 BOSTON: 
 LEE AND SHEPARD. 
 
 1869.
 
 Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1868, by 
 
 AMANDA M. DOUGLAS, 
 In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the District of Massachusetts. 
 
 JSertotyped at the Boston Stereotype Foundry, 
 19 Spring Lane.
 
 TO 
 
 MTRA JENNIE GERMOND, 
 
 IN REMEMBRANCE OF PAST DAYS, 
 SHADY AND SUNNY. 
 
 2051-131
 
 STDNIE ADRIANCE; 
 
 OB, 
 
 THE WORLD. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 " Our birth is but a sleep nnd a forgetting; 
 
 Tin' soul that rifles with us, our life's star, 
 Hath had elsewhere its setting, 
 
 And cometh from afar. 
 Not in entire forgetfulness, 
 
 And not in utter nakedness, 
 But trailing clouds of glory do we come 
 From (;Jod, who is our home." 
 
 WORDSWORTH. 
 
 I BELIEVE I shall keep a journal. 
 
 It is one of those sullenly rainy days in summer when 
 Nature seems determined to maintain a perpetual drizzle 
 without accomplishing much ; a purposeless, vague, dreamy 
 day. An indistinct presence fills the silent spaces with 
 phantoms half human, and my mood, speculative and 
 questioning, chimes in with it. Since my little bark of 
 life, freighted with one human heart, is about to commence 
 her voyage on the broad ocean of the world, it may inter- 
 est me to note the incidents. 
 
 Three months ago I was eighteen. Now it is July. I 
 have graduated at school, nnd am awaiting the arrival of 
 my guardian, who is doubtless an elderly, good-natured, 
 prosy sort of man, of whom I know absolutely nothing, 
 
 (9)
 
 10 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 except that I am to be brought out under the auspices of 
 his sister, who is a widow. My dear, kind Mr. Anthon, 
 whom I did love, has been dead two years, and these St. 
 Johns are distant relatives of his. 
 
 Some curious spell has followed me thus far. A life 
 not wanting in incident, but deficient in all the brightness 
 and glad hopes that make childhood a fairy land, an en- 
 chanted country that one can retire to when the cares of 
 the world press hard and close. But if the tales of poets 
 are true, I do not think I had any childhood. 
 
 My first remembrance seems to be of a deep forest, so 
 thickly wooded that the light penetrated only at rare in- 
 tervals. A ledge of rock ran through it, threaded by a 
 small rivulet, whose trickle made a pleasant melody. I 
 believe that spot was my birthplace. No matter where 
 my mortal eyes first saw the light, my soul sprang into 
 existence there, baptized in floods of solemn glory, and my 
 natal hymn chanted by winds that blew "gales from 
 heaven." 
 
 After this comes a picture of a dark, gloomy house, with 
 great eaves shadowing the windows; trees, tall and 
 straight; old-fashioned flower-beds, stiff and formal, un- 
 like the freedom and grace of nature. I wonder now if 
 they never felt tempted to rebel? ./did when my oppor- 
 tunity came. 
 
 The place was roomy, but only three apartments were 
 in general use. Once a year, when the clergyman came 
 to tea, the parlor was opened. The furniture was all 
 heavy and dark, every article kept strictly in its place. 
 Here I lived with my two great-aunts and a serving man. 
 The former were maiden ladies, always old to me, reticent 
 to sternness, yet not harsh. They were invariably dressed 
 with the utmost neatness ; they never talked loud or fast ; 
 went about the house quietly, and performed the same 
 tapir". - . ~ cf*":r f 1 -"" TT * : ' 1 ~~ ' '' " '
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 11 
 
 Aunt Mildred was a trifle the smaller. I think, too, she 
 had a gentler nature ; and though I never clung to her, I 
 had a different feeling concerning her. Children soon 
 learn to make distinctions. They were not tender women. 
 Neither ever caressed me. I did not miss it, for all those 
 early years my life must have been mere negation. 
 
 One day an incident occurred that changed the tenor 
 of my thoughts. A lady visited us, bringing a little girl 
 of my own age. I was shy at first, but she most gracious. 
 Golden-haired and fair as a lily, I took her at once as a 
 type of the angels of my Bible stories. But, alas ! she was 
 vain, self-willed, imperious in temper, and full of petty 
 deceit. My creed up to this time had been very simple, 
 and the child astonished me. Her mother kissed and 
 petted her continually, and there came to my heart a 
 strange want. 
 
 Being a novice in the art of entertainment, I took her 
 to my nook in the woods, and I certainly must have 
 amazed the poor child by my eloquent description. 
 
 "Is it your play-house?" she asked. " Have you dollies 
 and dishes in it ? Why doesn't your aunt give you some 
 cake and sweetmeats to take there?" 
 
 " It's like a cathedral," I returned, though I confess my 
 notions on the subject of cathedrals were exceedingly 
 vague. " If I had a doll I shouldn't take it. Dolls can't 
 see nor think." 
 
 "I'm afraid," she said, shivering. "There are ghosts 
 and witches in such dark places. I don't want to go." 
 
 " It's so beautiful ! " I returned. " And I never saw a 
 ghost. I don't believe there are any." 
 
 We trudged on. I half carried her, in spite of her de- 
 sire to return. At length we reached the summit of the 
 rock, and I waited for her to be entranced with the weird 
 beauty. She stared around with a look of blank wonder.
 
 12 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 "I don't see anything but rocks and trees," she ex- 
 claimed, pettishly, "It's a dismal place, and I want to go. 
 home." 
 
 Taking her in my arms, I walked down with an indig- 
 nant heart. It seemed sacrilege to let her feet so much as 
 touch a dead leaf. Ah ! I did not know then that some 
 souls were born deaf and blifid, except as to material 
 wants. And when, a few days after, as I was enjoying 
 the grandeur of a summer shower, with its vivid lightning 
 and heavy tread of thunder, she buried her face in her 
 mother's lap, and shrieked with terror until the shutters 
 were closed, the measure of my contempt for her was full. 
 
 Yet that brief visit worked a great change in my child- 
 ish ideas. My mother was dead. I had seen her grave in 
 the churchyard ; but I had never heard my father spoken 
 of. I speculated a while, and one day, as I sat sewing, I 
 said, suddenly, 
 
 " Aunt Mildred, where is my father ? " 
 
 She let her work fall, and started in surprise ; but aunt 
 Hester answered sternly, 
 
 "He is dead." 
 
 "Why. is he not buried with my mother?" 
 
 " He did not die here," aunt Mildred said, recovering 
 herself. Then, carelessly, " Sydnie, run, find Peter, I 
 want to see him before he goes to the village." 
 
 My errand did not detain me a moment. Crossing the 
 hall I heard aunt Hester say, in a louder key than 
 usual, 
 
 " I tell you she shall be brought up to despise her father 
 as much as her silly, infatuated mother loved him." 
 
 " You forget that in two years she can have her choice 
 to go or stay." 
 
 "She shall hear my story first, I mean to keep this 
 girl. She is the last of our family, and who has a better
 
 TRYING THE WORLD, 13 
 
 right ? Her father and grandfather have caused us suffer- 
 ing enough." 
 
 When I entered they subsided into their usual gravity, 
 I was afraid to ask any further questions ; but that even- 
 ing, meeting Peter in the garden, I said, eagerly, 
 
 " Did you ever see my father, Peter ? " 
 
 " What do you know about him ? " the man asked, in 
 surprise. 
 
 " I know that my mother loved him," was my confident 
 reply ; and love was no longer an idle term with me. 
 
 " Poor child, it would have been better for her if she 
 had never seen him." 
 
 " Why ? " was my importunate question, " Is he really 
 dead ? and why did he go away when my mother loved 
 him?" 
 
 " It's no story for little girls. Your aunts will tell you 
 about it some day." 
 
 I had to content myself thera Trained to habits of 
 implicit obedience, I had not the confidence to venture 
 upon any overt act, and there really seemed nothing to do. 
 So I wondered what would happen in two years. It was 
 like a lifetime. But I went on with the old routine* 
 Studying and sewing at stated hours, reading aloud, ram- 
 bling about the woods, taking occasional drives with my 
 aunts, and going to church on Sundays, were the events 
 of my life, I began to realize that I was shut away from 
 the world, as it were, the world that I learned about in 
 my books, and I longed for some change with an inten- 
 sity that fairly exhausted my strength. Aunt Mildred 
 grew tenderer towards me ; but I needed more than pas- 
 sive kindness. 
 
 One incident alone broke the vague dreaminess of those 
 years. There was a room adjoining the parlor that I bad 
 never seen open; but finding the door ajar during the an.-
 
 14 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 nual cleaning, I ventured in with great trepidation. I 
 remember it being a perfect May morning, with floods of 
 sunshine falling everywhere. Even here it had penetrated. 
 Of furniture or arrangement I took little note. On the 
 wall hung a portrait of such exquisite beauty that I was 
 transfixed. Some strange and subtile intuition thrilled me 
 at once. "Edith, aged 19," sleeping in her churchyard 
 grave, became a sudden reality to me. I clasped my hands 
 with a low cry, " Mother ! mother ! " Hardly more than a 
 whisper, yet my own voice frightened me. I stood there 
 until a hand touched my shoulder. Turning, I saw aunt 
 Mildred. 
 
 " It is my mother ! " I exclaimed, almost angrily. 
 
 " Yes. Hush ; come away. Some time I will tell you 
 about her," and the vision was shut out of my longing 
 eight. 
 
 " Tell me now," I cried. 
 
 " Hush. I have promised that I would not. When you 
 are twelve years old you shall know the story. Be patient 
 until then." 
 
 How was I to be patient a whole year? I cannot tell 
 now how I endured it, but never was year so long. I used 
 to have a fancy that aunt Mildred shunned me ; that as 
 the time approached she grew colder and more distant. 
 What change was impending? 
 
 How clearly I remember the day ! With earliest dawn 
 I was awake. Birds were twittering among the trees, 
 breezes odorous with the peculiar freshness of spring swept 
 through my room as I opened the window. I no longer 
 shared my aunts' apartment, and here I reigned sole mis- 
 tress. Twelve years old! What would happen to me 
 before night? It fairly annoyed me that everything 
 should be unchanged. The breakfast table, the same light 
 household tasks, the quiet orders. Presently I brought 
 my books.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 15 
 
 " We will not have any lessons, since it is your birth- 
 day," aunt Hester began, graciously. " Your aunt Mil- 
 dred and I have been preparing some gifts for you, and 
 after dinner we will take a pleasant drive. You are grow- 
 ing a large girl now, and will become more and more of a 
 companion to us." 
 
 I was amazed and delighted. Some new dresses, that 
 looked lovely to my inexperienced eyes, a hat with a 
 beautiful wreath of flowers, books, a work-box in com- 
 plete order, a drawing-book with a set of pencils, and a 
 small gold locket. I broke into the wildest enthusiasm ; 
 and though I thought of my mother, and the story I was 
 to hear, it seemed like ingratitude to remind them of it 
 now. Indeed I was busy enough arranging my treasures, 
 and noon came before I was aware. 
 
 A little while after dinner I stood on the porch, dressed 
 in my new finery, waiting for aunt Mildred. A man 
 came briskly up the path, and, in answer to my exclama- 
 tion, aunt Hester turned. Even now I can recall the 
 ashen hue that overspread her countenance. 
 
 "Miss Adriance," the stranger said, holding out his 
 hand, " I hope I find you in good health. Is this my 
 little ward ? " 
 
 Something in his face and voice attracted me wonder- 
 fully. The health, vigor, and cheerfulness, the breezy ring 
 in the tones, the bright smile, were like letting the sun- 
 shine into a dark room. 
 
 "You seem to be in great haste," aunt Hester said, 
 sharply. 
 
 He laughed. " I believe the stipulation was that I should 
 come to-day. Isn't it her birthday?" nodding to me. 
 
 "Yes," I answered, with sudden boldness. 
 
 Aunt Mildred made her appearance, but started back in 
 dismay when she observed the visitor.
 
 16 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 " If you were going out, I will not detain you now," 
 he said. " We can have our talk afterwards." 
 
 "It makes no difference," was the haughty reply. " Pe- 
 ter," as he was driving around, "we shall not go this 
 afternoon. Will you walk in ? " 
 
 We all followed aunt Hester to the state parlor. She 
 opened the shutters, and begged the guest to be seated. 
 Then she would have dismissed me. 
 
 "You have told her how she is situated, I presume," he 
 said. " Have you decided whether you will try the Vorld, 
 little girl, or stay here in your cloister?" 
 
 "She knows nothing," aunt Hester interrupted. "A 
 child like her could not understand." 
 
 "I mean that she shall understand fully," he said, deci- 
 sively. " I certainly shall keep the promise I made to her 
 dying mother. At the age of twelve, you know, she was 
 to have her choice to remain here, or to go away to 
 school." 
 
 " Sydnie," my aunt said, " go to your room and lay aside 
 your hat. You can return presently." 
 
 I obeyed, but remained up stairs thinking of what I 
 had heard. How many times during the last year I had 
 felt cramped and fettered in this narrow life! And to 
 get out of it with a bound, to be free, to see something 
 besides this lonely house ! The idea carried me captive. 
 
 Aunt Hester broke in upon my reverie. The story that 
 I had longed for was given in a bitter, resentful manner. 
 My mother, after years of care and kindness, had eloped 
 with a poor, miserable wretch, who had married her simply 
 for her money, and, failing to obtain possession of that, 
 had deserted her. She had come back to them broken- 
 hearted, and they had received her, or rather they had 
 gone to her in her extremity, and at her death, which had 
 occurred shortly after, taken sole charge of me. Mr. An-
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 17 
 
 thon had also been appointed my guardian, and, as he had 
 already said, at the age of twelve I should be at liberty to 
 go to school if I chose. She set forth the hardship and 
 trials of school life, the duty I owed them for their years 
 of kindness, the impossibility of my leaving them, and 
 presently allowed me to go to Mr. Antbon. 
 
 I was in a whirl of confusion, my bright visions sadly 
 dimmed. I must have betrayed it in my face, for Mr. An- 
 thon drew me near him and soothed me with his kindly 
 voice. 
 
 " It will be a hard fight, little girl," he said, " and but for 
 one or two reasons I should not urge you to make it. 
 Your mother was most anxious you should be brought up 
 with companions of your own age. She traced some of 
 the misfortunes of her life to her lack of knowledge 
 and experience, and she wished you to be forewarned. 
 She was left a babe, in the charge of her father's sisters. 
 I believe he had disappointed them a good deal in his 
 marriage. They loved her with a jealous, extravagant 
 fondness; but a younger heart won her; and when they 
 forbade her lover the house, she listened to him and eloped. 
 It was unwisely done, poor child. The story is too sad 
 for one so young as you. Suffice it that they are both 
 dead. It was her wish that at twelve you should go to 
 school, and see more of the world than is possible in this 
 secluded corner. I think it best also. Your great-aunts 
 are past the prime of life ; and, though it would be pleas- 
 ant for them to keep you, at their death you would be 
 altogether unfitted for occupying the position you might 
 take. They consult their wishes instead of your good." 
 
 A child is easily won perhaps. I thought of the last 
 two dreary years, and how constantly I had wished for a 
 change. If I only dared to go ! But what if I should 
 not like it? 
 
 9,
 
 18 SYDNIE ADBIANCB, OB 
 
 He laughed genially. 
 
 " No fear of that, I think ; and if you're tired of it in 
 three months' time, I'll promise to bring you back." 
 
 Mr. Anthon staid all night. During the evening I 
 could not help contrasting him with my aunts. How prim 
 and austere they seemed ! How sharp aunt Hester's tones 
 were! 
 
 " Aunt Mildred," I said, the next morning, " what would 
 you do?" 
 
 A strange, pained look came into her face. 
 
 " Child," she answered, huskily, " do as you like." 
 
 "I should like to go," I said, slowly. 
 
 She came quite close to me, and I observed how tremu- 
 lous her tones were. 
 
 " It will be hard to part from you, but I think you are 
 right. Aunt Hester has all the Adriance pride. She 
 would like you to stay here, and carry on the old place 
 after we are dead. You couldn't do it one woman 
 alone. You need something different from this. What 
 happiness or pleasure would there be in it ? " 
 
 "You will not think me ungrateful," I said, hesitat- 
 ingly- 
 
 "No, no; unless the after years prove you so. I will 
 not advise, for it seems traitorous to* go against my own. 
 sister, but " 
 
 We looked at each other. I understood what she 
 meant. We were not in the habit of giving confidences, 
 nor was I a demonstrative child; but she stooped and 
 kissed me, and I felt armed with her approval. 
 
 My wardrobe was arranged with a sort of sullen indiffer- 
 ence. I believe I was really glad to go at the last, though 
 grieved at parting with aunt Mildred. But Mr. Anthon 
 kept me in fine spirits during the journey; and when we 
 reached my new home I found my courage equal to the
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 19 
 
 emergency. Two of Mr. Anthon's nieces were there, rosy, 
 laughing girls, resembling him so nearly that I soon felt at 
 ease with them ; and though shy to a degree that only a 
 child accustomed to a solitary life could realize, in the 
 course of a few weeks I began to feel contented and satis- 
 fied. My tasks were not hard, and music, being an entirely 
 new pleasure, enraptured me. 
 
 My vacation came in October, and Mr. Anthon took me 
 home. The place chilled me. I wondered how these two 
 women could go on in such an apathetical round. Glad 
 enough was I to get back to school. I began to realize 
 how wide a gulf there was between us, made not only by 
 years, but habit, prejudices, and perhaps blood ; for I 
 confess I felt a little akin to my father. Mr. Anthon had 
 once said that my mother never blamed him ; and that 
 was enough for me. 
 
 One bleak midwinter day I was suddenly summoned to 
 the drawing-room, and found my guardian quite unlike 
 his usual cheery self. Indeed, I had never seen him look 
 so grave. 
 
 " I am the bearer of bad news, little girl," he said, slowly. 
 "You must go home immediately. Your aunt Mildred is 
 very ill, and desires to see you." 
 
 My heart yearned towards her instantly. 
 
 " Aunt Hester is well ? " was half question, half assertion. 
 
 "I don't want to shock you; but there have been sad 
 times in the old house. Miss Hester was taken with 
 paralysis a fortnight ago ; but she rallied very soon, and 
 was thought improving until yesterday, when she had 
 another attack, which proved fatal in a few hours. Your 
 aunt Mildred, worn out with nursing her, is now ill with 
 a fever. She despatched a messenger to me early this 
 morning. It is too late to start to-night, but we will go 
 to-morrow as soon as you can get ready."
 
 20 SYDNIE ADKIANCE, OB 
 
 Mrs. Derwent, the principal, was summoned to a consul- 
 tation, and all arrangements made for my journey. I 
 know now that I must have seemed a most peculiar child 
 to her. I was more stunned than grieved ; and then even 
 the idea of death was new to me. 
 
 It was nearly dusk of the short winter day when we 
 reached home. I shivered as I walked slowly up the gar- 
 den path. The frozen ground gave back a sullen thud to 
 my tread, and the hoarse wind sang dismally among the 
 leafless trees. No matter how quiet a place may be nat- 
 urally, the presence of death renders it more solemn. I 
 felt the oppression in every nerve, for I had become so ac- 
 customed to stir and tumult, and the glad voices of chil- 
 dren. 
 
 A strange woman received us, but I went up to aunt 
 Mildred's room as soon as I took off my wrappings. I 
 was shocked by the change in her. The face was wan 
 and ashy pale, the soft eyes preternaturally bright with the 
 fever that was consuming her. There was some passion 
 in my heart, although it had been dwarfed by the absence 
 of nourishing sympathies, and now it rushed to the surface 
 like a flood. I threw my arms over the pillow, and kissed 
 her with remorseful tenderness, exclaiming, in tones of 
 anguish, 
 
 " O, aunt Mildred, you must not die ! Only live, and 
 I will never, never leave you again. I was wrong in want- 
 ing to go away." 
 
 " Child," she said, " do not distress yourself. Remember 
 that I am an old woman, and could not expect much more 
 of life. God is wiser than we, and knows best." 
 
 Something in her tone awed me. 
 
 "We are the last of our race, and it is well," she went 
 on, slowly. "There is a different current running through 
 your veins. Mine was warmer in youth; and yet the
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 21 
 
 bright hopes of life never prospered with me. We were 
 both proud, too proud. One sees it at the last. Has Mr. 
 Anthon come ? I want to talk with him." 
 
 "You are not able," the nurse said. 
 
 " As able as I shall ever be. After supper I want him 
 sent to inc. There is a little business to transact." 
 
 I sat by the bed, holding her hand, until called down 
 stairs. I saw no more of her that evening ; but Mr. An- 
 thon spent nearly an hour with me, trying to comfort and 
 advise. 
 
 The next day aunt Hester was buried. A lonesome 
 funeral, for she had in her lifetime secluded herself from 
 friends and neighbors. I took one glance at the rigid 
 face, but it looked so unlike my remembrance of her that 
 I could hardly realize the fact of relationship. Aunt Mil- 
 dred had seemed improving, though her recovery was 
 considered impossible. 
 
 This second evening set in chill and rainy. My supper 
 was sent away untouched, and presently I was summoned 
 to the sick room. 
 
 Aunt Mildred dismissed her nurse, and drew me to the 
 very edge of the bed. I kissed the wrinkled cheek, and 
 took her hands in mine. 
 
 " I have a long story to tell you," she began, " and I 
 will not defer it until too late. When you are older you 
 will understand it better, but I shall not be here then. 
 Try to judge us both leniently." 
 
 She moved uneasily upon the pillow, and I felt her 
 clasp tighten. 
 
 " You asked me once about your mother. Your grand- 
 father married, abroad, a Spanish woman of wonderful 
 beauty. He brought her home soon after your mother's 
 birth ; and he came back only to die, for his health had 
 been delicate many years. He had wasted the larger part
 
 22 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 of his fortune, and his wife and child were left to our 
 care. Between Mrs. Ad nance and Hester there was a 
 strong antagonism. She remained with us simply because 
 she had no other home ; but it was only for a few years. 
 She died suddenly, and her child was ours. My sister 
 exulted in this. She watched the little one with a more 
 than mother's fondness and jealous care. We were com- 
 paratively young then, and had not so completely given 
 tip society. Your mother was beautiful and attractive, 
 and was barely seventeen when she announced her en- 
 gagement with a young man of whom we knew nothing. 
 Aunt Hester was very angry. She dismissed him herself, 
 and bade your mother forget him. Being high-spirited, 
 this led to a bitter quarrel, which was ended at length by 
 your mother leaving her home and becoming a wife. I 
 tried to intercede for her, but it was useless. She wrote 
 two or three very sweet letters, but Hester remained im- 
 placable, and declared her disowned forever. 
 
 u Some fifteen months afterwards she wrote again, beg- 
 ging that her small fortune might be advanced, as they 
 were in pressing want, and her husband's health had failed. 
 Hester paid no attention to this ; but in a few weeks 
 another letter was received, imploring us to hasten to her 
 immediately. I was not well, so Hester went alone, and 
 shortly afterwards returned with your mother and your- 
 self, then but two months of age. How changed from the 
 bright girl who had once been our delight ! Your father 
 had gone to his relatives, and died after a short illness, 
 though she confessed that he had overtasked himself by 
 some exertion that had brought on one attack of hemor- 
 rhage before he left her. His relatives had discarded her 
 altogether, and she was indeed broken-hearted. She 
 wasted away rapidly, and soon added another to the list 
 of early deaths. One day, shortly after the burial, a
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 23 
 
 stranger visited us and held a long conversation with 
 Hester. Whatever the subject was she kept to herself, 
 only when she came in the room afterwards I noted that 
 her face had a strange, set look, and her lips were nearly 
 colorless. 
 
 "'This child is all ours,' she said, fiercely. 'The world 
 shall be shut out from her as rigidly as if she were in a 
 convent. She shall have no chance for friendship or love 
 beyond us.' 
 
 "I should have told you that your mother appointed 
 Mr. Anthon your guardian, and arranged that you should 
 go to school for two years when you had reached the age 
 of twelve, and after that choose whether you would remain 
 with us, or henceforward battle with life yourself. Aunt 
 Hester resolved to bring you up in such seclusion that you 
 would be unhappy among strangers, and wish to return, 
 knowing well that Mr. Anthon would not insist upon your 
 staying if it rendered you really miserable. I made some 
 weak attempts to interfere, but she was always the stronger 
 and overruled me ; and, though I loved you, I was help- 
 less. Besides, you appeared cheerful and contented, and I 
 was afraid of rendering you dissatisfied, without being able 
 to place any better aliment in your way. Forgive us 
 both my weakness and her jealous coldness. Old blood 
 does not warm easily. I want you to have a happier life 
 than we ever knew. This place is to be sold. Mr. An- 
 thon will tell you the rest. Kiss me, child, and remember 
 me kindly when I am gone. Mine has been a poor, wasted 
 life." 
 
 I kissed her with a strange awe, and hardly understood 
 the full import of what she had said. 
 
 " Call the nurse." 
 
 The woman would have sent me away, but I felt that 
 aunt Mildred wanted me, for the wistful eyes watched me
 
 24 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 unceasingly. I promised to be very quiet, and kept my 
 seat, still holding her hand. She was very much exhausted, 
 and scarcely seemed to breathe. 
 
 That was a weird, ghostly night, and haunts me yet. 
 The red blaze of the logs upon the hearth, the fitful glare 
 of the candle, the winds moaning outside, dashing fierce 
 gusts of rain against the windows, and the awesome silence 
 within. I tried to think of my mother, but all in my brain 
 was chaos. The nurse seated herself by the fire, and pres- 
 ently fell into a doze. I was not a coward, yet a peculiar 
 fear seemed to pervade every nerve, and I watched breath- 
 lessly for something that I could not define or shape into 
 thought. The candle burned dimly, the blaze on the 
 hearth began to smoulder, and the room was peopled with 
 phantoms. 
 
 There was a stir, and a feeble voice murmured, " Syd- 
 nie I " 
 
 I bent over aunt Mildred until my cheek touched hers. 
 It was unlike anything I had ever felt. 
 
 " One thing more. Forgive her poor, worn heart, dis- 
 tracted with its own jealous longings. I know she was 
 sorry afterwards; but she destroyed it in a moment of 
 fierce passion. The picture " 
 
 I was too much frightened to comprehend, or utter any 
 cry. 
 
 "Is it morning?" 
 
 " No," I said ; " it must be near midnight." 
 
 "God help us all, for we are weak, and the way is 
 thorny. Child, Sydnie, let us go, for the day breaks." 
 
 She clutched my hand, and partially raised herself, then 
 fell back. I understood the struggle, yet could not stir, 
 fascinated by the very terror. How many moments 
 I know not, but the candle gave an expiring flash, and 
 went out. The nurse roused herself, and lighted another.
 
 TRYING TUB WORLD. 25 
 
 Coming to the bed, she glanced at the set and stony 
 eyes. 
 
 "Why, miss, she's dead !" was her terrified exclamation. 
 
 It was blindness, darkness, nothingness to me. I knew 
 they took me out of the room, but for days after that I 
 was ill for the first time in my life. 
 
 Mr. Anthon staid until I was sufficiently recovered to 
 go back to school. I was thankful to leave the dreary 
 place, and glad to hear that it was to be sold. My moth- 
 er's portrait had been destroyed by a ruthless hand, so 
 there was nothing I cared to retain. 
 
 " There'll be a brighter life before you," my guardian 
 said, kindly. " Those two old women moped themselves 
 to death, and Avere full of whims and cranks. It was 
 enough to kill any child. And I don't think Miss Hester 
 did the right thing by you or your mother. However, 
 that's all over now." 
 
 It was not all over with me for a long while ; but I did 
 outgrow those impressions with the years. Three were 
 spent with Mrs. Derwcnt, then a change was deemed ad- 
 visable. In my quiet, self-contained way I had learned 
 to love Mr. Anthon dearly. Every vacation was made 
 delightful by some pleasure trip, wearing away more and 
 more the isolation produced by my childhood. 
 
 Two years ago he died, as I have said. I missed him 
 sorely, and am afraid I shall not take kindly to my new 
 guardians, Mr. St. John and his widowed sister, Mrs. Law- 
 rence. She called, shortly after her relative's death ; but 
 all I seem to remember was a glitter of silk and lace, and 
 a shimmer of blonde curls. I am to enter society under 
 her auspices. 
 
 I wonder howl shall like the great world ! Most of 
 the girls are eager to try it ; but 1 dread leaving my clois-
 
 26 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 ter. We have gossiped over it in a thoughtless fashion, 
 as if love and marriage were all. 
 
 It is curious to stand on the threshold of a new life, not 
 knowing whither one is to go. 
 
 The silent night falls over me as I write. The rain has 
 ceased, and through the rifted clouds the stars are shining.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 27 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 11 Do you not know I am a woman ? When I think I must sponk." 
 
 KOSALIXD. 
 
 I AM at Laurel wood. 
 
 Let me go back to the day on which I commenced my 
 journal. The next morning I received a note, stating 
 that Mr. St. John would call for me at four, as the- boat 
 left at five. 
 
 I believe Dr. Johnson somewhere says we can never do 
 a thing consciously for the last time without a feeling of 
 sadness. I experienced the truth of this re-mark. Though 
 the long dining-hall was nearly deserted, there was a 
 homelike charm about the place. Even the vase of col- 
 ored grasses, grown tiresome on other days, held a certain 
 sense of beauty. The walks I had paced, the room in 
 which I had studied and dreamed, wore the look of a fa- 
 miliar friend. "Farewell," I said, with a pang, for it was 
 hard to dissever my thoughts from them. 
 
 At the appointed time I was summoned to the recep- 
 tion room, and introduced to Mr. St. John. He was not 
 at all what I had expected, and the difference made me 
 positively shy and awkward. A man about thirty, tall, 
 compact, and full without being stout, with a chest and 
 limbs one gives to the old athletes. He impressed me as 
 having a peculiar strength, and his face completed the 
 suggestion. I did not think him handsome at first. I 
 watched him as he talked to Miss Deforrest, and found 
 an odd, piquant charrn in his face. A broad, full fore- 
 head, and a really magnificent head, hair of a nondescript
 
 28 SYDNIE ADBIANCE, OB 
 
 color, brown in one of its variations, I suppose, fine and 
 silky, the ends curling in dainty rings. I set that down as 
 too girlish ; beard of a little deeper color, almost black un- 
 derneath ; a fair, fresh complexion, with a smooth, soft skin, 
 like a child's; eyes of a blue or gray, with a curious, steely 
 gleam; straight, delicate brows above them; a straight 
 nose, Grecian in type ; a small mouth, with curved, scarlet 
 lips. But the sense of power and will grew upon you. In 
 some moods this face could be very tender; in others, bit- 
 ter, perplexing, imperious and indifferent. 
 
 JVIiss Deforrest was called away. Mr. St. John glanced 
 down to my end of the sofa with the good-natured smile 
 one gives a child. 
 
 " The rain interfered with my plans yesterday," he said, 
 and the voice was like the man not what one usually 
 meets with. "I expected to come for you. I dare say 
 you had the blues shockingly." 
 
 " I am not much troubled with that malady," I answered, 
 curtly. 
 
 "How odd ! I thought all school-girls were subject to 
 it. But of course rainy days make you cross." 
 
 The assurance in the tone vexed me. 
 
 "I have no particular dislike to rainy days; on the con- 
 trary, I think some are positively enjoyable," I said, coldly. 
 
 "I shall watch the next stormy day with great interest ;" 
 and there was a little gleam in his eye that provoked me/ 
 I would not make any answer. 
 
 "I believe I shall have to send you to make your 
 adieus," he said, presently, glancing at his watch. " It is 
 quite a ride to the landing." 
 
 I merely bowed, and left him. There were a few fare- 
 wells and kindly wishes, and then I put on my bonnet and 
 mantle, and took one last glimpse of myself in the little 
 mirror. Was the face I saw crude and school-girlish ?
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 29 
 
 Onr drive was a very quiet one. I had an uncomfortable 
 consciousness that Mr. St. John's eyes were studying me, 
 yet if I turned mine to his vicinity, his expression was 
 grave and absent. Some of the girls had been fond of 
 discussing faces and predicting character, a subject that 
 always interested me deeply. I wondered what any other 
 person would think of him ; and because I could not please 
 myself in an analysis, I was fairly nnnoyed. Indeed, he 
 seemed to make his face express very little just then ; but 
 I had a misgiving that it was only like a crouching lion, 
 the power held in reserve. 
 
 lie was most kind and gentlemanly, not with any excess 
 of politeness, but the peculiar case that makes one feel 
 thoroughly comfortable. We found our way through the 
 crowd at the wharf, and my belongings were soon safely 
 deposited in my state-room. The whole scene was novel 
 to me, because my own position in it was so new. 
 
 After supper we went on deck. The shores we were 
 leaving behind made suggestive pictures in their length- 
 ened perspective. Yellow fields, heavy and ripe for har- 
 vest; clumps of woods, dense and shadowy; clustering 
 villages; boats skimming the river, and an occasional flock 
 of homeward-bound birds. The air was fragrant with the 
 Bpicy breath of summer and the dewiness of coming night. 
 
 Just as the sun was setting, the moon rose, and the effect 
 of the double light upon the water was indescribable. The 
 clouds, rolling off to the horizon, made long, low islands 
 of purple and sapphire, that seemed floating in a sea of 
 pearl, while now and then a crimson arrow shot up, leaving 
 in its wake a long trail of golden glory. The river was 
 calm, with slow, regular swells, except where the boat flung 
 upward a line of foam. A light mist crept along the 
 curves of the shore, like a troop of fairy phantoms. Here 
 we passed dusky ravines, there a rock where the water
 
 30 STDNIE ADRIAXCE, OR 
 
 dashed up in playful passion, making its gray sides sparkle 
 as if set with gems. My companion pointed out some spot 
 lovelier than the rest, with the eye of one who had studied 
 nature closely. 
 
 "How grave you have grown," he said, at length. "Do 
 you grieve for what you are leaving behind?" 
 
 "Not quite that," I made answer; "and yet one does 
 shrink a little from an untried life, with its stern realities." 
 
 "Are you given to conjuring up giants in the way? As 
 if life was likely to be anything but rose-color to a girl 
 who holds as much in her hands as people usually do!" 
 
 "It is sometimes," I said, positively. 
 
 "You have been cultivating imagination largely." 
 
 "I may have had some reality, although you seem so 
 doubtful about it," I answered. 
 
 "No life is all sunshine, nor was it so intended. And 
 yet I think God doesn't mean us to fear the future. We 
 are to take up daily events with hopeful hearts, and shape 
 them into a higher form than crude fragments." 
 
 "But how few live in earnest!" for somehow the rare 
 inflection of his voice touched me. 
 
 "What is your idea of an earnest life?" 
 
 " Something better than mere froth and foam, or selfish 
 enjoyments; an existence in which one leaves enduring 
 marks of having labored to benefit his kind, to strengthen 
 the weary, comfort those who are tried and tempted, and 
 point out a better path for them to walk in." 
 
 "You have been reading German metaphysics, Miss 
 Adriance." 
 
 " Surely the strong angel of the useful loses none of his 
 power when joined to the spirit of the beautiful." 
 
 " Few care to unite them thus upon the bridge of life. 
 The useful angel too often goes about clad in coarse rai- 
 ment, and people instinctively shrink from him. Where 
 will you begin with your mission ? "
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 31 
 
 "I have not decided." 
 
 " Like a woman ! People in the moon are generally 
 benefited most by these visionary schemes." 
 
 " I can commence with myself," I said, " since you seem 
 to commiserate the people in that distant locality." 
 
 "Ah, I thought you were through with yourself, and 
 ready to undertake the salvation of others. You should 
 have lived in the past centuries, when crusades were fash- 
 ionable." 
 
 " I am content to live now, but I shall try to live in 
 earnest." 
 
 " Be a sort of reformer, martyred on the cross of public 
 opinion. You will gain some glory that way." 
 
 "I am not ambitious of such glory," I said, indignantly. 
 
 " Take up the sins and follies of society. There is a 
 wide field. But I am afraid this wicked old world is bent 
 upon rushing to destruction, in spite of sages and proph- 
 ets." 
 
 I was ready to cry with vexation. He stood there in 
 the moonlight, looking really handsome, but cool and pro- 
 voking; and I had a dim suspicion that in his heart he was 
 laughing at me. 
 
 " You'll improve on these romantic notions after a little," 
 he said, gravely. " Young men and young women have a 
 great fancy for fighting impossible giants. It's a kind of 
 mental measles. But they get over it, and come to the 
 stage where they are interested in each other, when the 
 Lancers at night or a bouquet in the morning is sufficient 
 to restore the balance of the most vacillating mind." 
 
 " I shall endeavor to reach something higher than these 
 trifles." 
 
 "Miss Adriance, I have seen a good deal of the world, 
 and have the advantage of you by more than a dozen 
 years. I know what most women's lives are. A good deal
 
 82 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 of dressing and display, some flirting, harmless, of course, 
 for in society one plays a sort of give and take game, with 
 the heart left out, and a good marriage at the last. That 
 is the great stake; and failing there, your life will be pro- 
 nounced unsuccessful." 
 
 The girls used to talk of this at school ; I can't tell why, 
 but it invariably annoyed me. And to have him take it 
 up in such a cool, tantalizing manner ! 
 
 " Marriage is not the great aim and end of all lives," I 
 said, indignantly. 
 
 " Isn't it ? Miss Adriance, I do begin to believe you 
 were meant for a reformer. When a young woman haa 
 sufficient courage to dare the terrors of going down to pos- 
 terity as Miss somebody or other, she must be stronger 
 than the majority of her sex. Let me see what will you 
 clo? There's the Woman's Rights question. I have not 
 sufficient brain to take in all its bearings; in fact, when I 
 go over it, I invariably get muddled ; but I dare say you 
 have given it a good deal of attention. Women, being 
 tired of reasonable employments, have a desire to soar to 
 the unreasonable, . They want to manage the business 
 part, and generously propose that the sterner sex shall stay 
 at home and enjoy themselves." 
 
 " It is you who are unreasonable," I interrupted, angrily. 
 "A man always exaggerates when he undertakes to ex- 
 press a woman's opinions. Arc we blind and deaf to those 
 higher calls of the soul ? When we are held in bondage 
 to the false and unsubstantial, and see above us the gleam 
 of truth, and purity, and loftiness, do you suppose no pulse 
 is ever stirred, no desire awakened that leads us to struggle 
 after the fine gold, instead of the base counterfeits the 
 world offers us ? If it is right for a man to make his life 
 grand and noble, why cannot a woman try at least ? " 
 
 "Is truth at the bottom of these struggles ? I believe
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 33 
 
 it is oftcner some paltry ambition. It jars against one's 
 idea of a woman to see her so eager for contests that must 
 render her harder, even if she escape the coarseness." 
 
 "You dou't understand me," I said, trying to keep 
 calm. 
 
 He laughed again ; such a provoking, cynical, yet, withal, 
 musical sound ! I believe I almost hated him. 
 
 " You do not make yourself at all intelligible. Here you 
 are with your head full of school-girl nonsense, ready to do 
 battle for some great cause of which you are beautifully 
 ignorant, and shall I make a prediction in six months 
 you will be so deeply engrossed with pomps and vanities 
 and a lover, that you will be quite willing to let the world 
 jog on at its old rate. It has stood a good many such 
 assaults, Miss Adriance." 
 
 I lost all my patience, never very extensive, perhaps. I 
 was not hoping for unattainable good, not trying to make 
 a martyr of myself, but willing to take the world as I 
 found it, having an even chance with others for happiness. 
 I did not mean to kneel at the shrine of fashionable follies 
 and make them my highest good. There was a better 
 aliment for human souls. The contention grew warmer, 
 he irritating me beyond endurance. All this under a sky 
 of soft splendor, and at our feet the murmurous waves 
 beating time to chants of melody, while the very air 
 seemed blowing out waves of liquid light. The sense of 
 harmony all around made me feel more indignant with 
 him. I rose haughtily, and bade him good night. 
 
 I had taken a step or two, when he said, softly, 
 
 "Miss Adriance!" 
 
 I stood irresolute, and then I am ashamed to confess 
 it turned partially. His face had changed wonderfully, 
 and I had the feeling of being drawn into some vortex. 
 
 " Come, Miss Adriance," he said, " I am not going to let 
 3
 
 34 STDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 you leave me in such a mood. This is the first night of 
 our acquaintance, and I want you to have pleasant dreams 
 of me. Remain until you are good-humored." 
 
 He had taken my hand, but I drew it away with an im- 
 patient gesture, and left him. He had been barbarously 
 unjust, and he would find that I was no child to be coaxed 
 into agreeableness with a word. If I found his sister as 
 captious and irritating, my life would not open very de- 
 lightfully. I wished myself back at school, or anywhere, 
 in fact, where I should not see him. I had acted un- 
 wisely in allowing him to provoke me, but he might have 
 had a little generosity, if our beliefs were dissimilar. "I 
 never can like him," I said to myself as I fell asleep. 
 
 The sun rose gloriously the next morning. I watched it 
 through my little window, longing for a more extended 
 view, and debating within myself upon the propriety of 
 seeking it, when a waiter stopped at my door with Mr. St. 
 John's card, on which was written, in pencil, 
 
 "If Miss Adriance will come on deck, she will be amply 
 repaid by the beautiful scene." 
 
 Obeying my first impulse of resentment, I returned an 
 answer, declining. It was a pitiful gratification, after all, 
 for I was tormented with mere bits and fragments of glow- 
 ing dawn. I had a passion for these changeful pictures of 
 sea and sky. The tremulous rays of gold and crimson 
 wandered fitfully through my little room, and the soft light 
 brought visions of the greater glory beyond. 
 
 The noise and commotion recalled me to common life. 
 I felt awkward and nervous about meeting Mr. St. John, 
 and wondered how he would get over our dispute of last 
 night. I might have spared my speculations and the re- 
 solves with which I fortified my mind. He was calm and 
 gracious, totally ignoring all the disagreeable incidents that 
 had passed between us. I absolutely became confused.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 35 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence was awaiting us at a hotel, and we drove 
 thither. She was not up yet, so we both waited in her 
 little parlor. Mr. St. John brought me a book and some 
 papers, and occupied himself in reading. Well, the man 
 certainly was a Sphinx ! 
 
 After a while Mrs. Lawrence made her appearance. She 
 was thirty-five, I afterwards learned, three years her broth- 
 er's senior, but one would readily have believed her ten 
 years younger. A remarkably beautiful woman, pure 
 blonde in type, barely medium size, and gracefulness itself. 
 To watch her was like listening to music. I felt ugly and 
 overgrown beside her. 
 
 M My dear Miss Adriance ! " and her voice had something 
 of the peculiarity of her brother's a kind of liquid sweet- 
 ness, that attracts one involuntarily. I could not help 
 being won by the charm. 
 
 She scanned me from head to foot, but I did not read 
 disapproval in the languid, purple-blue eyes, so I ventured 
 to breathe and to smile. 
 
 " How bright and fresh you look," she said. "I can be- 
 lieve that you heeded my injunction, Stuart," glancing at 
 her brother, "and did not keep her up half the night 
 watching the moon." 
 
 "As that seems to be my pet employment, there was 
 some danger." 
 
 His voice was just dashed with irony, reminding me of 
 the delicate flavor of bitter almonds. I colored at the 
 remembrance of our evening's conversation, but returned, 
 carelessly, 
 
 " I believe I do not usually carry traces of such simple 
 dissipation in my face." 
 
 " It's folly to waste one's good looks when it amounts 
 to nothing;" and she smiled in a charming fashion. "Now, 
 if you please, we will have some breakfast, and then Miss
 
 36 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 Adrinnce and I can afford to dismiss you, as we are going 
 on a shopping expedition." 
 
 There was a little, expressive curl to his lips, as his face 
 settled into an indifference that made it positively cold. 
 
 She was very gracious and entertaining, and I could not 
 help feeling at home with her, indeed, could not help liking 
 her; but I had a misgiving that there was the least spice 
 of contempt in the approval Mr. St. John gave. When 
 we returned to the parlor, he bade us " good morning," and 
 sauntered out. 
 
 "Now we will hold a little consultation," Mrs. Lawrence 
 said, with a girlish interest and enthusiasm that was not 
 affectation, although it seemed to border upon it. "I am 
 going to take you to Newport, and I expect you to create 
 quite a sensation." 
 
 " Don't expect too much of me," I said, with a sudden 
 fear. 
 
 "My dear, you don't know your own power at all. How 
 should you, indeed?. With your style and looks you 
 ought to make a decided impression. Rest assured that I 
 shall give you every advantage." 
 
 " I do not question your generosity," I returned, " but 
 my own " desire, I was about to say, then changed it to 
 " ability." 
 
 "You will feel different about that presently. Then you 
 are quite an heiress, another item in your favor ; and when 
 you do fairly take your place, and feel at home in it, you 
 will like the triumphs. Only you must not full in love too 
 soon." 
 
 "I believe I am not very susceptible." 
 
 She smiled approval. "The first thing will be to get 
 yonr wardrobe in order," she continued. "I know you 
 have* nothing available, so we will go out and supply our- 
 selves. Your dresses will be made at home, under my own
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 37 
 
 supervision. I have a maid who is worth fifty modistes. 
 Are you ready to go now, or would you rather rest for an 
 hour or two?" 
 
 I signified my willingness, and we set out immediately. 
 It was my first induction into the mysteries of fashion- 
 able life, and I yielded to Mrs. Lawrence's suggestions 
 the more readily in order that I might not betray my own 
 ignorance. But I really wondered when and how I should 
 find use for half the articles she purchased, and now and 
 then gave a thought to my resolves of the evening before, 
 comprehending that it would be more difficult to assimi- 
 late the two lives than I had believed. And yet I could 
 not help being interested. When a shopkeeper places be- 
 fore you elegant goods in their most enticing light, how 
 can you fail to admire? 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence knew the routine well, and before night 
 had spent what seemed to me a quarter of my fortune at 
 least; but the shopping was done. Thirza, a quadroon 
 maid, hardly less beautiful than her mistress, was busy all 
 the evening packing, and the next morning we resumed 
 our journey, stopping at night to rest, for Mrs. Lawrence 
 had no idea of unduly fatiguing herself. 
 
 Mr. St. John I hardly saw at all, but we felt his care and 
 attention in many ways. Now and then I experienced the 
 sensation of being watched by the cool eyes that I knew 
 fathomed much more than they chose to reveal. 
 
 From the station it was a long drive to the St. John 
 mansion through broken woodlands where rugged old 
 trees were moss-grown and festooned with brilliant wild 
 vines, contrasting vividly with the silvery river flowing in 
 and out, here widening to a lake, there a mere thread ; 
 the deeper green of the forest bathed in a soft haze of 
 sunshine, and mellowed by frequent breaks of light and 
 shade. The air was fragrant with the spiciness of the dis-
 
 38 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 tant pine woods, and occasionally some weird song, quite 
 new to me, broke from the throat of an unseen warbler. 
 It seemed like going into au enchanted country. 
 
 The road became clearer presently, and. at a little distance 
 I espied a great gray stone mansion, ivy covered, and ap- 
 parently in the midst of the most picturesque confusion 
 turfy glades, dreamy, mysterious nooks, clumps of shrub- 
 bery, fountains trickling over miniature rocks, and flowers 
 in the wildest profusion. The house was an old, quaint 
 mixture of different styles of architecture, and had prob- 
 ably been constructed at different periods. The front was 
 broken by recesses and balconies and deep windows, and 
 at one corner rose a turret, that added to the general effect. 
 It was so cosy and roomy-looking, so really homelike, for 
 all its strange beauty, that my heart gave a quick, involun- 
 tary thrill. I leaned out of the carriage, eager to take in 
 every aspect of loveliness. 
 
 "You like it," Mr. St. John said, under his breath, and 
 something in his voice startled me. 
 
 " Like is a poor word ; " and I felt the warm color rising 
 to my face. 
 
 "And in six months you will weary of it." 
 
 "No," I said, impulsively ; "I could never weary of it 
 Why, I question if Paradise was more lovely ! " 
 
 " And Eve was not content without the forbidden fruit. 
 There's something unattainable to every life." 
 
 I glanced furtively at his face; it had gloomed over 
 with some unseen thought, and the eyes seemed weary and 
 wistful. 
 
 " Home ! " he said, as he sprang out lightly, and gave his 
 hand to his sister. 
 
 " Well," he continued, assisting me, " are we to be 
 friends, Miss Adriance ? Have you forgiven me for ruth- 
 lessly demolishing some of your airy fabrics "i "
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 39 
 
 " I should be generous to my worst enemy now," I re- 
 plied, softly. " Who could hold malice in this world of 
 bewildering beauty?" 
 
 I did not dare glance up again, for some strange spell 
 seemed to shadow me. Was I really entering an enchant- 
 er's realm ?
 
 40 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 " Our aspirations, our soul's genuine life, 
 Grow torpid iu the din of worldly strife." 
 
 FAUST. 
 
 THE interior at Laurelwood was not less charming than 
 the scenes without. I was lost in a maze of beauty, 
 fairly bewildered with spacious halls and stairs, niches out 
 of which some graceful old-world goddess smiled, or bore 
 her burden of fragrant flowers. A kind of tropical, sen- 
 suous ease pervaded every spot. You heard the murmur 
 of tho fountains, making a dim, lulling music, and were 
 wooed insensibly to repose. 
 
 I was shown to an elegant suit of rooms next to those 
 of Mrs. Lawrence. The quaintly carved furniture, the 
 light, delicate carpets, and the luxurious couches and 
 chairs, gave me visions of delight. There was an aesthetic 
 side to my nature certainly. And then I went back to 
 my childhood, with its hardness and plainness, its long, 
 solitary days. Was it really I who had a right to these 
 lovely rooms; who was to be waited upon, and queen it 
 as royally as I liked? For nothing would please Mrs. 
 Lawrence better. 
 
 Thirza came in to arrange my hair while her mistress 
 was resting from the fatigue of her journey. "How mag- 
 nificent ! " she said, as she took it down. 
 
 It was handsome fine, soft, and abundant, a perfect 
 midnight mass. 
 
 "Miss Adriance has a little foreign blood," she con* 
 turned.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 41 
 
 Spanish grand mother;" and I laughed. 
 
 " It is in your figure and carriage as well. And your 
 eyes show it." 
 
 Some of the girls at school had envied me my eyes and 
 complexion. They were both dark and wild, I thought. 
 
 The deft fingers wove wonderful braids, and compacted 
 them in strange devices. Then she broke off a spray of 
 white jasmine, and twined it in and out. After that she 
 took an inventory of my dresses, and decided upon white. 
 Perhaps the contrast made it so becoming; at all events it 
 was my favorite, 
 
 "But there's no style to it," she said, disdainfully. 
 
 "Up to this time I have been only a school-girl," I 
 replied with a little smile. "There was not much need 
 of style." 
 
 u Look at yourself and see if I have not improved you." 
 
 I turned to the full-length mirror. What wraith or 
 vision met me! Tall, rather inclined to slenderness, but 
 not thin ; drooping shoulders, the head proudly poised, the 
 forehead low and broad, the features regular, but too im- 
 mobile, I thought, and a soft, roseate flush warming up 
 the clear, fine skin. I had not considered the subject 
 greatly before, but I was glad to look as well, especially 
 in a place like this where all the surroundings were ex- 
 quisite. 
 
 Some time afterwards Mrs. Lawrence entered, fresh from 
 the hands of her maid. There was a strong contrast 
 between us: she was so finished, so elegant, a perfect 
 embodiment of grace. 
 
 "How much you have been improved," she said, in a 
 pleasant tone. "You need a little more brilliance and 
 vivacity to your face, though under some circumstances 
 that air of indifference would be superb." 
 
 I flushed deeply, not with pride, but rather with a sense
 
 42 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 of humiliation. I fancied that I should soon hate having 
 every slight change in looks commented upon. 
 
 "Society will soon give you the tone you need. I am 
 determined upon having you a perfect success." 
 
 "Do not count too confidently upon my charms," I 
 said, slowly. "All persons may not judge me with your 
 lenient eyes." 
 
 She smiled, and nodded sagaciously. 
 
 "I believe I know the world pretty well. You must not 
 spoil your triumphs by any girlish gaucheries. I think I 
 shall enjoy having a protegee amazingly, though at first I 
 was quite unwilling that Mr. Anthon should leave you to 
 our care. He always talked of you as a little girl, and I 
 am not especially fond of children." 
 
 Frank at least. Dainty, and sweet, and tender as she 
 seemed, I felt that she had no warm, human heart. 
 
 "What if I had been irredeemably ugly?" I asked. 
 
 "You were not, so we will not trouble ourselves with 
 suppositions," she returned, with charming amiability. 
 " Truth to tell, plain people always offend a certain sense 
 of mine." 
 
 "But one cannot help it if one grows plain, or waa 
 born so." 
 
 "It is a great misfortune," and she shrugged her fair 
 shoulders with infinite grace. 
 
 The summons to dinner interrupted the conversation, 
 and I was not sorry, for I found myself warming with the 
 sort of injustice she displayed. Would I not have needed 
 a home and friends under any circumstances ? 
 
 Afterwards Mr. St. John asked me to walk through the 
 grounds, and I was delighted to comply, for I had only 
 taken tantalizing glimpses of them. 
 
 "Don't keep her out too long in the night air," Mrs. 
 Lawrence said, as we went down the broad steps.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 43 
 
 A peculiar expression passed over his face that tempted 
 me to smile. How unlike they were this sister and 
 brother. 
 
 " One always pays the penalty for superior refinements," 
 he said, in a low tone, and with a, touch of sarcasm. 
 
 " I have not arrived at that stage where it is of moment- 
 ous importance to me," I returned, laughingly. 
 
 He made no reply, but seemed lost in contemplation of 
 the gravelled walk. Then we turned into a winding path. 
 The lovely night, with its great glowing stars and silvery 
 moon, the air heavy with fragrance, filled my soul with a 
 sense of unutterable beauty. Some tasteful hand had vied 
 with nature here, and produced marvellous perfection. 
 Dells that were so thickly wooded they seemed miniature 
 forests, nooks with an old gray rock shaded by a border 
 of shrubbery at the back, arid a tiny stream purling its 
 way along or tumbling over some resistance and form- 
 ing a cascade of pure spray, everywhere a variety : the 
 grounds made to look much larger by this arrangement, 
 and something to attract the eye continually. One wan- 
 dered on and on. 
 
 Presently Mr. St. John thawed a little, though Ins 
 silence had not been at all uncomfortable. I don't know 
 that I could have talked at first, for I was filled with the 
 solemn awe a sense of affluent beauty always gives me. I 
 want to be quiet, and take large draughts of measureless 
 content. Once or twice he had glanced at me, and I felt 
 that my mood had been perfectly understood. It is a 
 comfort to be with people who do not insist upon your 
 explaining every phase of feeling. 
 
 lie spoke of the night first, and then called up some 
 foreign remembrances. He had the faculty of making 
 perfect pictures in description ; every subject was tinted 
 and textured by a mind not only vivid, but refined and
 
 44 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 discriminating. I listened like one under the spell of a 
 charmer. 
 
 I don't know how it came around at length, but in some 
 manner Mr. Anthon's name was mentioned. I noticed 
 how the voice that I had thought exquisitely modulated 
 before softened to a peculiar pathos. They had been very 
 dear friends it seemed, and after Mr. Authon's illness, com- 
 menced, he had spent some time at Laurehvoud, I felt 
 that he had interested Mr. St. John some way in my 
 behalf. How kind and thoughtful he had always been 
 for me! 
 
 I liked Mr. St. John much better for this glimpse of 
 tenderness. The man was not all cynicism or sarcasm 
 then. In fact I began to reconsider my hasty judgment. 
 Was it anything more than anger because he had teased 
 me? 
 
 We staid out quite late, in spite of Mrs. Lawrence's 
 entreaty, but I think my bright eyes and glowing face 
 disarmed her. 
 
 She would have been inexpressibly shocked had she 
 known that after Thirza was gone I left my bed and sat 
 for a long- while by the open window. The glorious night 
 tempted me, but I could not have slept. Everything was 
 too new and unreal. This ease and luxury, these lovely 
 sights and entrancing sounds, swayed me powerfully. I 
 was almost afraid that, like Abou Hassan's palace, it might 
 vanish presently, and I find in its stead some cold, gray 
 reality. 
 
 The next day I was in constant demand. Shawls, 
 scarfs, bonnets, laces, and gloves were inspecU'd and duly 
 tried, altered and arranged until they pleased Mrs. Law- 
 rence's critical eye. Then the dresses! I confess I did 
 begin to tire of the finery after a while. It was like being 
 fed upon sweets until one is surfeited.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 45 
 
 I did try to feel grateful for the pains she was taking, 
 and I found a curious interest in watching her. Always 
 cool and unruffled, patient to the last degree ; quick- 
 sightcd to discover the least flaw or imperfection. Had 
 the woman no soul beyond this ? 
 
 Mr. St. John was pretty closely occupied with some 
 business, as the estate was large, and he gave it a very 
 thorough supervision. Now and then he laughingly in- 
 quired after the dresses ; and one morning sauntered into 
 his sister's sitting-room, where I had ensconced myself in 
 the deep rose-embowered window, and was lazily reading. 
 
 " How cool and delightful,* 1 he said. " But are you not 
 playing truant?" 
 
 "From what?" and I glanced up, rather amused. 
 
 "I supposed you would devote every moment to the 
 work-room. What if your dresses are spoiled?" 
 
 " They are in better hands than mine, _and do not al- 
 together engross me." 
 
 " I am afraid your education is incomplete. And essays 
 too!" for he had taken up my book. 
 
 " One needs something to preserve the mental equi- 
 librium." 
 
 "It should be a 'Mirror of Fashion,' or 'The Art of 
 making one's self agreeable.'" 
 
 " Because you consider me particularly disagreeable and 
 antiquated ? " 
 
 He colored. 
 ' " I am anxious to have you succeed as well as possible." 
 
 "What is to be the test of my success?" 
 
 " Scores of lovers, and a rich husband, I suppose." 
 
 "I am afraid I shall not meet your expectations," I re- 
 turned, gravely. " If I should come to be considered an 
 incumbrance at Laurelwood " 
 
 Somehow I could not resist the temptation of saying it;
 
 46 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 but I saw that I had angered him. One of those subtle 
 flashes came into his eyes, and a white line about his 
 mouth. He looked steadily at rne for an instant. 
 
 " Pardon me," I said, in some confusion. " But you do 
 vex me when you pretend to think that I have no higher 
 aim in life than mere frivolity that I can be content with 
 fine dresses and admiration, or that I look upon marriage 
 as the only termination to be desired." 
 
 " How you run over these things," he returned, with a 
 curious inflection, " and you don't understand one of them. 
 What girl ever did at eighteen ? " 
 
 " Am I more ignorant than the generality of women ? " 
 I asked, nervously. 
 
 "More Utopian, perhaps, Miss Adriance; I am rather 
 anxious to see you fairly launched in the world of fashion. 
 You will find it very different from your fancies. And 
 you will do just about as your neighbors." 
 
 I took up my book again and opened it, but my pulses 
 were racing along at an angry speed. How was it that he 
 managed to vex me so easily ? 
 
 "Miss Adriance," he said, presently, "you carry your 
 feelings too much in your face. In time you will learn 
 to wear a society mask, which you will find very con- 
 venient." 
 
 " I shall never wear a mask, or think it necessary to hide 
 the truth, or any of my beliefs. I do suppose I can find 
 people generous enough to make allowance for youth and 
 inexperience. Human nature is not altogether unjust and 
 faithless, or suspicious." 
 
 "Nearly every one sets out with high hopes, Miss 
 Adriance. The voyage looks fair at the commencement 
 the sky is clear, the winds balmy, the shores bright with 
 vivid pictures, and the siren, Hope, lulls you on and on 
 with glowing visions. By and by the stream grows dull
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 47 
 
 and muddy, the overladen barks go lumbering along in 
 a dead wind, or get utterly becalmed. Then comes the 
 trial of patience. One can work better than one can 
 stagnate." 
 
 u I shall find my life-work somewhere," I said, con- 
 fidently. 
 
 "But who finds what he wants?" 
 
 He turned towards the opposite window with a weary 
 face ; indeed it was almost moody. What had come to his 
 life? for he seemed to have all of this world's good gifts, 
 and yet I could not help feeling that he was not as happy 
 as Mrs. Lawrence, though her mind was continually occu- 
 pied with trifles. He had missed something, and yet he 
 seemed to me a strong, self-ceutred man, not easily 
 touched by passing events. 
 
 Shortly after this we were surprised by a visitor, or 
 rather I was, for Mrs. Lawrence did not mean to introduce 
 me to her ordinary callers until after our return. But 
 Thirza announced to me that Mr. Graham was in the 
 drawing-room, and would remain all night. 
 
 " I am glad enough," she said. " It must be lonesome 
 for you, this being secluded like a nun." 
 
 I had experienced no special want in that direction. In 
 fact I had not half examined the place yet. 
 
 Mr. Graham was two or three and twenty, with stray 
 remnants of boyish beauty that had not yet settled into 
 maturity. He had a soft, pleasant voice, and a certain 
 enthusiasm that made him an interesting companion. He 
 was taking the world in quite a different manner from M* 
 St. John, though the latter made an admirable host. 
 
 There is an unconscious affinity between the young. I 
 strayed through the grounds with Mr. Graham, talking of 
 everything that came in our way, in that pleasant, chatty 
 fashion bordering upon friendship. I felt at home with his
 
 48 STDNIE ADKTAXCE, OK 
 
 genial mood ; anc though the subjects might not have been 
 wise or profound, we went over them very agreeably. 
 
 Later in the evening he asked me for some music. Mrs. 
 Lawrence had listened to my playing and singing with due 
 regard for what it would do for me in society. But it was 
 a passion with me, and when I found that I could kindle 
 another soul, it gave me a sudden inspiration. I saw his 
 eyes dilate with pleasure, and a fitful color wandered over 
 his face. How strangely those pathetic old ballads stir 
 one's heart I love, sweet for all its pain, tempting in 
 spite of thorny ways ; men and women content at having 
 drained the cup of Miss, and asking no more of life. Had 
 we fallen upon more material days and desires? 
 
 I felt glad and happy that night why, I could not tell. 
 When Mr. Graham )cft us the next morning, it seemed as 
 if some brightness had gone out of the place. 
 
 I stood on the balcony, gathering up stray threads of 
 memory, when Mr. St. John approached, having been to 
 the gates with his guest. 
 
 "Yon deserve to be congratulated," he said; and 
 although I understood the tone, I returned, simply, 
 
 "For what?" 
 
 " Upon your conquest. But to save a broken heart, I 
 will tell yon that Mr. Graham is engaged to his cousin a 
 kind of convenient family arrangement, I believe, she being 
 an heiress." 
 
 " I do not think that fact would weigh a particle with 
 Mr. Graham," I said as earnestly as I felt. 
 " O, yon have unlimited faith." 
 
 "And yonrwarning was altogether unnecessary," I re- 
 torted, scornfully. 
 
 "It was merely pastime upon both sides, then ! "Well, 
 yon acquitted yourself admirably. You will not have much 
 to learn at Newport."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 49 
 
 tt I believe I did only what common courtesy required," 
 I said, haughtily. 
 
 "A woman's excuse for trifling." 
 
 " It is well there are some whose fine perception enables 
 them to distinguish between ordinary politeness and the 
 gratification of a foolish vanity. While there are such 
 cool, clear-eyed people in the world, we need not fear for 
 society." 
 
 "Undoubtedly;" and his voice was irritatingly sweet. 
 " Neither may we apprehend any Quixotic reform when 
 the prophets of the new faith are diverted by a word or a 
 look from some fanciful sentimentalist." 
 
 If I could have annihilated him with a glance, I should 
 have done so : and he looking calm and handsome, w r ith 
 that bafHing smile playing about his face. 
 
 "You ridicule my high aims, and if I find any satis- 
 faction in ordinary pleasures, you sneer. What is your 
 ideal?" 
 
 "And you are a fiery radical," he said, ignoring my 
 question. " I wonder " a little lower, as if he was think- 
 ing to himself "if you mean to play with hearts in that 
 fashion ? " 
 
 " Will it do any harm ? Are men so sensitive and deli- 
 cate?" 
 
 " O, no," he said, dryly. " It may go hard with some 
 of them at first, but they soon get used to the wjyrfare. It 
 does damage faith a little, but those old-fashiolrcd virtues 
 are at a discount in modern life." 
 
 " I think you wrong us all," I said, more hurt than I 
 cared to show. " If we wound any one, it is because we 
 have first been pained ourselves." 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence crossed the hall, and I took shelter under 
 her kindly wing. She put her slender white hand over 
 my shoulder, and presently we walked away together. 
 4
 
 SO SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 " "Whnt was Stuart saying? " she asked ; but I could see 
 it was not from any curiosity. "You must not mind his 
 queer notions; he lias always been odd. I think it was 
 living here so much alone, and the St. Johns are peculiar 
 people. I married very young, and went away ; and have 
 only been back since the death of Mr. Lawrence, which 
 occurred a few years ago." 
 
 I was silent. 
 
 "My dear," she continued, in her soft, musical tones, 
 "you really surprised me by your self-possession. You 
 will be a very fascinating woman, only you must not ruin 
 your success by falling in love immediately." 
 
 "Why? In what manner would it interfere?" and I 
 smiled. 
 
 "O, it breaks up the general interest. When a girl be- 
 comes engaged, the real strife for her is over, and she is 
 soon superseded by newer attractions. You need not 
 marry for a year or so. I think I can make it very pleas- 
 ant for you; and I confess to liking you a great deal. Butt 
 came near forgetting my chief errand: Thiiza wants you." 
 
 Afterwards I went to my own room. How lovely it 
 looked, and how really delightful life was! Somehow I 
 cannot help enjoying it. Is it worth while to strive against 
 the current? Surely youth and pleasure go hand in hand, 
 and one may find elements of truth and beauty in any 
 existence. Why, then, torture one's self with a scourging 
 sense of duty in continually grasping at the unattainable ? 
 Could I not take the richness of life without stooping to 
 its dross? 
 
 I think Mr. St. John must dislike me. He is very kind 
 to his sister listens to her plans without making one 
 objection ; does many things for her pleasure, and never 
 sneers or shows the bitter side of his nature: for he is 
 bitter and stern, a strong, masterful man, and yet his very 
 power attracts.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 51 
 
 I wonder if I am unstable. Sometimes I feel afraid of 
 myself. After all, how much can one help or hinder! If 
 I only had a patient, trusty friend that I could go to in 
 these weak moments ! But I should as soon think of 
 confiding in this marble Clytie as Mrs. Lawrence. Both 
 are sweet, but cold.
 
 52 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 " Well, well, 
 
 But you must cultivate yourself; it will pay you. 
 Study a dimple, work hard at a smile; 
 The things most delicate require most pains." 
 
 FESTUS. 
 
 WE were in perfect order at last, and started on our 
 campaign. To say that I was not interested, would be 
 untrue. There was a fascination about seeing the world 
 in this guise. Several of the girls at school had counted 
 largely on a season at Newport or Saratoga, while I held 
 my peace, knowing nothing of my future. 
 
 Mr. St. John had engaged a suit of rooms, so all we had 
 to do was to enter in and take possession. While Thirza 
 unpacked, and Mrs. Lawrence indulged in a rest on the 
 sofa, I sat by the window enjoying the changeful scene 
 below, that looked to my unpractised eye like irremediable 
 confusion, and yet it attracted me wonderfully. I was to 
 join this gay throng, and take my share of pleasure. 
 
 We did not go down to the parlors until evening. Mrs. 
 Lawrence looked exquisitely lovely, and I fancied almost 
 as youthful as I. Thirza had not over-dressed me, and I 
 felt quite at home in my new attire. But the scene ren- 
 dered me nearly breathless with surprise. Elegant wo- 
 men, stately and well-bred men, grouped together, talking, 
 smiling, and posing themselves with the rare grace of 
 statuary. What a brilliant picture it made ! 
 
 In ten minutes Mrs. Lawrence and her brother were 
 surrounded by a throng of old friends, and warmly wel-
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 53 
 
 corned. I responded to introductions that I felt sure I 
 should never remember, and was rather confused, I am 
 afraid. Mr. St. John was so kind that I almost wanted to 
 express my gratitude. lie answered questions for me, 
 and warded off anything like awkwardness, until I began 
 to talk quite naturally. 
 
 Presently the circle widened a little. I was standing 
 by an open window, when I felt my arm clasped, and a 
 familiar voice exclaimed, scarcely above a whisper, 
 
 "In the name of all that's remarkable for wonders, how 
 did you come here, Sydnie Adriance?" 
 
 I turned and found a school friend, Laura Hastings. 
 
 "Are you speechless?" she continued, laughingly. "Or 
 are you out on a masquerade, where confessing one's 
 identity breaks the charm, and resolves you back into a 
 Cinderella ? " 
 
 " Neither. Silent from surprise only." 
 
 "Didn't I tell you that I expected to make my debut in 
 the world of fashion ? How happens it that you were not 
 equally communicative?" 
 
 " Because I had no idea what my destiny would be." 
 
 "Let us walk up and down this piazza, for I want to 
 catechise you. In the first place, when did you arrive?" 
 
 " This morning." 
 
 Laura Hastings was an odd, vivacious girl, who always 
 seemed to carry everything her own way. We had been 
 very good friends, without the slightest spark of affection. 
 She occasionally ridiculed me, and I retorted by pro- 
 nouncing her heartless. 
 
 "Who brought vou here?" she went on. 
 
 O / 
 
 "My guardian, Mr. St. John, and his sister, Mrs. Law- 
 rence." 
 
 " Pretty well, so far. What kind of a woman is Mrs. 
 Lawrence ? Young, rich, and handsome ? "
 
 54 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 "All three." 
 
 " The gods are unjust to bestow so much upon one 
 person. Do you aspire to belleship, Miss Adriance?" 
 
 I laughed at her piquant manner, and said, " I have no 
 such ambition." 
 
 "Then you are not as sensible as I supposed. With 
 your face and style I would have half Newport in love 
 with me, and the other half dying with envy." 
 
 " That would not be a very high gratification." 
 
 "Don't be saintish and nonsensical! You should have 
 left all that at school. However, if you are generous, I 
 may stand a better chance. I've been here only a week, 
 and had an offer already, besides strongly interesting a 
 New York millionnaire but he is old enough to be my 
 father." 
 
 " You refused the offer ? " 
 
 " Of course. He was a young artist, my cousin Carrie's 
 bright particular. She put on airs, and went to a stupid 
 little country place, but he seemed to have a fancy for 
 hovering in the flame. He was only singed a little, and 
 will go back to her with more devotion than ever, so no 
 one was hurt. I believe I rather tempted him to come 
 here." 
 
 " O, Laura ! Why, when you did not mean to many 
 him?" 
 
 " To tease Came a little. She has an idea that good- 
 ness is all the capital one needs in this world. It is a 
 poor investment, to my thinking." 
 
 " But truth, and honor, and generosity ought to meet 
 with some recognition," I said, warmly. 
 
 " You cling to your first love pertinaciously, I see. A 
 month at Newport will convert you to the true faith. 
 Plain women may carry about a list of virtues as long as 
 their sober faces, but the handsome ones all believe alike.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 55 
 
 And yon are rather magnificent. You've had some help, 
 for I know you never possessed all these ideas of your 
 own." 
 
 I flushed a little and was silent, for we paused at one 
 of the windows. She gave a quick glance around and 
 eaid, 
 
 " Can you see your Mrs. Lawrence ? I'm wild to know 
 what vsort of <i chaperone you have." 
 
 " She is sitting by that table yonder, between two 
 ladies, wears blue crape, and has golden ringlets." 
 
 " My dear Sydnie, I'm delighted. I can foresee a charm- 
 ing family party. The lady on her left, in mauve silk, is 
 my august mamma, and the other, Mrs. Westervelt, from 
 New York, an intimate friend. And your beautiful Mrs. 
 Lawrence why, Sydnie, you live in Virginia, don't 
 you ? " 
 
 I answered in the affirmative. 
 
 "You are the most fortunate girl alive! Think how 
 you used to study, as if you expected to teach fora living! 
 I've heard Philip Westervelt talk of this Mr. St. John. 
 They're immense friends. He is as rich as a Jew, and lives 
 elegantly, doesn't he ? " 
 
 " Laurel wood is a lovely place," I said. 
 
 "I'm afraid you'll make me envy you, after all. Why, 
 you have only to captivate your bachelor guardian, to be- 
 come mistress of one of the handsomest estates in the 
 country." 
 
 I blushed to my very finger ends, and for an instant 
 was positively angry at her boldness. She saw it. 
 
 "My dear," she said, good-naturedly, "please exercise 
 your Christian forbearance a little. Simplicity is very 
 charming, but it is a woman's duty to make the best mar- 
 riage she can. We have this advantage over Eastern 
 women in that we are not absolutely sold to the highest
 
 56 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 bidder, but make ourselves attractive and win him 
 gently." 
 
 "Marriage must be something better than that with 
 me," I answered, curtly. 
 
 "Now here is a modern hero that I should like to fas- 
 cinate," she recommenced, with animation ; " though I 
 have a fancy that he could make a good fight. There's 
 so much in his face a sort of strength and defiance that 
 always rouses one ; and in figure and carriage he is splen- 
 did. He has just spoken to Mrs. Westervelt." 
 
 " That is Mr. St. John." 
 
 She turned her eyes full upon me, and studied me cu- 
 riously. 
 
 "You're in love with him, of course?" 
 , "I am not in love with him." I tried to say it calmly, 
 but I had a misgiving that my voice was not quite steady; 
 not because her accusation was true, but from its sudden- 
 ness. 
 
 " Then you are a greater dunce than I imagined. Why, 
 he cannot be much over thirty ; just a good age. Was he 
 at home when you went to Laurelwood ? " 
 
 " He came for me at school. Mrs. Lawrence was in New 
 York awaiting me," I said, coldly. 
 
 " You do mean to marry him ? Honor bright, now." 
 
 " I have no expectations of the kind, neither will I dis- 
 cuss him in that fashion." 
 
 " Don't get vexed. You will not mind if I flirt a little 
 with him?" 
 
 " As you like." My tone was calm enough then, but my 
 face burned with secret annoyance. 
 
 " I am dying for my introduction. Let us go in." 
 
 " O, my dear," Mrs. Lawrence exclaimed, in a relieved 
 tone, " I had begun to wonder where you were when I saw 
 Mr. St. John alone. I am glad you have met a friend."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 57 
 
 She looked Laura all over, and I had begun to under- 
 stand her so well that I knew her verdict was favorable. 
 Mrs. Hastings was a stylish and rather haughty-looking 
 woman ; Mrs. Westervelt very sweet and gracious. Some- 
 Low I was drawn to the latter at once. 
 
 Laura and Mr. St. John fell into a light skirmish. With- 
 out being absolutely witty, she was quick and piquant, and 
 it appeared to me never enough in earnest to be vexed if 
 any one demolished her opinions. He was not severe, and 
 kept back the sarcasm with which he had treated me on. 
 our first meeting. She certainly amused and interested 
 him. 
 
 I had never thought Laura handsome at school. She 
 was showy, vivacious, and possessed the art of adapting 
 herself to any person* She had all sorts of beliefs, fenthu- 
 Biasms, and graces, and was very generally admired. To- 
 night, amid this brilliance, she did appear unusually at- 
 tractive. 
 
 Presently Mr. St. John took us for a promenade and 
 ices. They had all the conversation, for I only spoke when 
 either appealed to me ; but I tried to decide what Laura's 
 fascination for such a man was, and failed. It was alto- 
 gether beyond my ken. 
 
 After quite a ramble \ve found the party discussing a 
 hop that was to take place the next evening. Afterwards 
 our circle widened, and I found myself enjoying the gay 
 talk, the music, and the changing groups. The newness 
 interested me strongly. 
 
 The next morning we went to ride. A friend of Mr. 
 St. John's sent the horses, and accompanied us himself a 
 very agreeable gentleman withal, and a rather distinguished- 
 looking cavalier. The day was delightful. The sun went 
 hi and out among masses of dreamy, floating cloud ; the 
 fragrant air seemed to throb to the beating of the ocean
 
 58 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 waves beyond. All around was life blissful, hopeful life. 
 A kind of auspicious beginning ; yet now and then I 
 thought of the solitary child who had first learned to love 
 nature while scrambling over lonely, moss-grown rocks. 
 In those restricted visions how could she dream what the 
 dawn of womanhood would be ? 
 
 It was curious what a listless air the hotel took on about 
 midday. Young men lounged in the shadiest corners of 
 the balconies, finding it too warm for billiards. Bathing 
 was over, dowagers were taking an after-dinner nap, young 
 ladies had disappeared to renew their beauty and freshness 
 for the evening. A droning sort of stillness, rather enjoy- 
 able after all the crowd and confusion. 
 
 Laura insisted that I should come and look over her 
 dresses, and help her choose one for the hop. 
 
 " I suppose you'll be magnificent. That comes of hav- 
 ing a fortune. What a splendid mannger Mrs. Lawrence 
 is! Your ride of this morning was just the thing, and 
 created a sensation. That salmon-tinted plume in your 
 hat nearly drove me crazy; and you sat like a duchess. 
 She has given you a royal entree." 
 
 " The ride wasn't managed at all. Mr. Blanchard pro- 
 posed sending his horses over. "We simply accepted the 
 invitation." 
 
 " Well, if you had taken immense pains, you couldn't 
 have played a better card. I shall have to look well to my 
 laurels, in spite of your meek protestations. Half a dozen 
 young men are counting upon an introduction to-night. I 
 was quite in demand because I happened to be at school 
 with you." 
 
 " I wish you would find other things to talk about," I 
 said, pettishly. 
 
 "You can't make me cross with you, my dear. I want 
 you for a confidant. I must have some one with whom
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 59 
 
 I can talk over my conquests. In return I will allow you 
 to give me high moral lectures. Perhaps I may profit. 
 But if I stood in your place, wouldn't there be one tre- 
 mendous sensation ! You don't half appreciate it. I 
 mean to make love to Mrs. Lawrence, and get myself in- 
 vited to Laurelwood." 
 
 I smiled in spite of my annoyance. 
 
 " Confession number one will begin to-morrow," she said, 
 as I went out of the room. 
 
 The hop was enchanting. Thirza made me supremely 
 elegant. Mrs. Lawrence was in a radiant mood, and I was 
 pleased, delighted, charmed. So many handsome and pol- 
 ished men, and lovely women, such brilliant lights and 
 delicious music low talk behind fans and in corners, 
 dancing, compliments, and enjoyment to the very brim of 
 pleasure's chalice. To know one is capable of inspiring 
 others with admiration, to attract and satisfy insensibly, to 
 see faces brighten at a word, does give one a peculiar con- 
 tentment. It was my first real entrance into the world 
 of fashion. I used to consider most of the school recep- 
 tions a bore, and perhaps had based my ideas of parties 
 upon those. That was weak claret to this Moselle. 
 
 Laura looked, acted, and danced in a most bewildering 
 fashion. Everybody thought her beautiful, and she is a 
 general favorite. Mrs. Westervelt pets her like a daugh- 
 ter. Mrs. Lawrence admires her style and spirit exceed- 
 ingly. She is considered frank and amiable, and gains 
 credit for hosts of virtues that she sneers at in private in 
 her flippant way. 
 
 What avails it to struggle against the continual tempta- 
 tions that beset one, trying and failing, repenting and 
 making new resolves, when a little surf-ice gilding carries 
 oft' the palm? Do those who exhort us to be earnest and 
 pure in heart, simple and truthful, really believe these
 
 60 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 homely virtues win a bright reward ? The approval of 
 one's conscience is something, to be sure ; but are not the 
 people who seem to be utterly deficient in conscience the 
 happiest ? At least they take the smaller share of suf- 
 fering. 
 
 Moralizing over a ball ! Well, I was happy. The com- 
 pliments and small talk did not seem as vapid as I ex- 
 pected. Mr. St. John appeared to enjoy it, though he did 
 not dance never does, his sister says. He was very 
 attentive, introducing people to me; yet he was just as 
 kind to Laura. 
 
 " Such a conquest! " and Laura, fan in hand, threw her- 
 self on the sofa by the window. "Put away your writing 
 and listen to me, if it isn't a love letter." 
 
 "I am all attention," and I shut my tiny desk with a 
 sharp click. " What fortress have you laid in ruins now ? " 
 
 "First wasn't it superb last night! The handsomest 
 woman in the room was acknowledged to be Mrs. Law- 
 rence ; the two girls who bore off the palm were Miss 
 Adriance and Miss Hastings: the one with her dusky, ori- 
 ental magnificence, eyes of slumberous fire, and vivid 
 southern temperament, the other with her cooler northern 
 blood, that gives a touch of frost, melting at the first ad- 
 vance of summer. Shall I go on?" 
 
 " Spai-e your nonsense," I said. " If I hear so much of 
 the ball I shall be sick of it." 
 
 "There is no use of airing your humility before me. 
 You did enjoy it, 1 know. I was glad to see you be- 
 have so respectably." 
 
 " I don't imagine a ball-room triumph is worth a great 
 deal," I returned, with a doubtful smile. 
 
 " Take the goods the gods provide, and make a feast 
 over them all. That is the only true philosophy. I enjoy 
 being considered handsome, though I do call in the assist-
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 61 
 
 ance of art. I'm thankful to the Bloom of Youth for my 
 radiant complexion, to the hair-dresser for making the most 
 of my scanty locks, and the dress-maker for improving my 
 figure. When society praises you, take it as your just 
 desert, and people will pride themselves upon telling you 
 the truth. It is pleasanter to be overvalued than under- 
 valued." 
 
 " But your conquest ? " I said, impatiently. 
 
 "You were so engrossed with your own admirers that 
 you missed the fun. Of course you were introduced to 
 
 the poet, II ? The on dit is that he is engaged to Miss 
 
 Conway, who really docs write delightful stories, and is a 
 very fine, intellectual woman. She was determined to 
 keep him within her charmed circle of congenial minds, 
 and I threw out a little bait. My sweet simplicity capti- 
 vated him, and he has asked me to drive with him this 
 afternoon. I wonder how Miss Conway will take it! " 
 
 "O, Laura, how could you ?" 
 
 "All is fair in love and war, you know. I have im- 
 proved the seventeen years and five months of my life. I 
 think he is desperately smitten." 
 
 "Suppose he should fall in love?" 
 
 " Then he must fall out again." 
 
 "You will not marry him?" 
 
 " My dear simpleton, he is poor, and I am looking for a 
 fortune." 
 
 " Whether you love or not?" 
 
 "When you come to take the census you will find that 
 love matches do not pay. All I ever knew turned out 
 miserably. Love in a cottage is charming to talk about, 
 and I shall improve upon the theme this afternoon most 
 eloquently." 
 
 " And you can deliberately resolve to throw away hap- 
 piness for a mere show ! "
 
 62 SYDN1E ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 "Put it 'substantial,' and I'll risk the happiness. You 
 are too romantic, Syclnie. Your ideals and dreams will 
 never be realized in this world of shams." 
 
 " There must be some truth, some reality." 
 
 "Nonsense! Society is a very fine humbug, and it 
 won't do to drag in Truth by the hair of her head. It 
 does not ask what is under the satin, but it does insist 
 rigorously upon the satin. You will find that the chief 
 end of woman is to make a good marriage. What else 
 can she do? Old maids are laughed at, quizzed, sent 
 about from pillar to post, and made the slaves of every- 
 body, unless they happen to have a fortune. Not to marry 
 well is a capital sin against society." 
 
 " But no true woman could degrade herself by marrying 
 without aifection." 
 
 " Of course it would be a crime to confess it. Here, 
 with the mask off, we can show honest faces. What does 
 a man marry for? He wants an elegant mistress to his 
 establishment, or an income that will help him sustain one. 
 In six months he wouldn't be able to tell his wife from 
 other women, if it wasn't that she asked him for money 
 occasionally. And if she was weak enough to pin her 
 faith on his love, she can spend the rest of her days in the 
 shadow of a dead hope, grow old and miserable at home, 
 while society adores him, and pities him for being tied to 
 such a log." 
 
 "You will admit that people can love?" 
 
 " One feels in one's novel-reading days as if there was 
 a tender place in the head or the heart, that love alone 
 could fill ; yet few of the people who marry for love are 
 happy. It has a miserable faculty of turning to dross. I 
 choose to look at the facts. Here is the world, pretty fair 
 if you are sharp enough to take advantage of it ; other- 
 wise you drift about to no purpose. When you have a
 
 TRYING TIIE WORLD. 63 
 
 good position you can dictate to your neighbors, and it is 
 much pleasanter to rule than to be ruled." 
 
 "How much nobler we should all be if we took as much 
 pains to do right as some do to be false and unnatural." 
 
 " O, it would wear me out in a month to practise so 
 many virtues." 
 
 " And you are willing to receive credit for qualities you 
 don't even desire to possess ? " 
 
 "O, my dear girl, you go too deeply into these matters. 
 Life in general is like French flowers. Brilliancy and 
 beauty at the top underneath, a little cotton and painted 
 muslin stuck together by paste. It is not wise to go into 
 details." 
 
 " I can never be satisfied with such an existence," I said, 
 warmly. 
 
 " You had better ask for a missionary appointment, and 
 go to foreign lands, for I think the majority of the people 
 here do not desire to be converted from the error of their 
 ways. You are a little too good for this world ; yet I 
 don't quite despair of you, under Mrs. Lawrence's judicious 
 training. But I must run away now. Wish me success." 
 
 How much her views were like Mr. St. John's ! Was 
 there no real nobleness and generosity in the world? I 
 would not judge it so harshly, because I felt in my own 
 soul that I was capable of higher joys than dressing and 
 flirting. And yet, what else was there to do in such a 
 life? One read novels in a desultory fashion, or sketched, 
 or crocheted a little, the rest of the time being devoted to 
 pleasure. 
 
 Laura took her drive, and made a new engagement. 
 She laughingly begged me to comfort Miss Conway, and 
 fate threw us together. A fine, pure soul was hers, full of 
 
 high aspirations. I liked II also. I could understand 
 
 the harmony there might be between them, and it vexed 
 me that he should neglect her for Laura.
 
 64 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 How the girl managed that her ninny flirtations should 
 not interfere I cannot divine. Most of the gentlemen 
 seemed to consider her a charming and almost irresponsible 
 child, and more than one matron excused her on the ground 
 that she really did not mean any harm, but was frank and 
 impulsive, and always ready to please. She was not nn- 
 mindful of the main chance, however, and kept Mr. Varick 
 within reach constantly. He was a widower, but childless ; 
 and for many years a sister, now dead, had superintended 
 bis establishment. Others besides her cast longing eyes 
 towards the possessor of such a fortune* 
 
 As a whole, I believe my month at Newport was a suc- 
 cess. Mrs. Lawrence approved, Mr. St. John took care 
 that I should not lack for pleasures. Riding, bathing, 
 dancing, and merriment of all kinds, that youth cannot 
 resist. I honestly tried not to flirt, and was thankful that 
 I had not come husband-hunting. 
 
 Not that there were no men worthy of loving. But in 
 the glamour of such gayety who can see soul to soul ? I 
 felt that I would hardly risk a love born under such aus- 
 pices. One could hot tell the tinsel from the pure gold, 
 if indeed there was any. 
 
 With all these gayeties there was little time to cultivate 
 friendships, yet I did spend many pleasant hours with Miss 
 Conway and Mrs. Westcrvelt. The latter was such a sweet, 
 kind, motherly woman. I really wondered what attraction 
 there was in the place for her, and found that her son had 
 made her promise to join the Hastings party, as he expected 
 to be away nearly all summer on business. Her passion 
 for him was one of the rare romances of life. He was the 
 last of quite a large family. 
 
 " A good young man," said Laura, with her peculiar 
 little laugh. "Devoted to his mother, and all that. I 
 don't know but I should marry him, only I ain not of the
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 65 
 
 goody sort, and want a little liberty to breathe now and 
 then." 
 
 At last we reached the grand ball of the season a mas- 
 querade. Such an endless discussion as to characters and 
 dresses, and guesses hazarded about every one ! The scene 
 itself was beyond description. One felt transported to 
 strange countries. Cavaliers, dukes, kings, historical char- 
 acters, pages, and knights of romance jostled one another, 
 ami jested gayly. Laura personated Byron's Leila, look- 
 ing the coquettish girl to perfection, the Oriental dress and 
 fillet of pearls making her absolutely beautiful. The poet 
 paid court to her as the Giaour. Mr. St. John chose the 
 costume of a Spanish woman for me ; and I wondered if 
 my grandmother ever stepped more stately in flowing 
 robes and lace mantle. Somehow I felt wondrously at 
 home, and fancied that I acquitted myself very well. 
 
 It was nc'iir d;i\vn when the revellers began to disperse. 
 The night had been one of unusual enjoyment, but now 
 crape, illusion, and flowers began to droop. 
 
 " Let us go," I said to Mrs. Lawrence ; " I don't want to 
 remember the scene in ruins." 
 
 "You are right," Mr. St. John returned. "The last gala 
 night here. Are you not sorry?" 
 
 "No," I answered, a little wearily; "the whole month 
 has appeared like a masquerade. I shall be glad to get 
 back to sober life." 
 
 " Laurelwood will seem dull and tame." 
 
 "If it is as bright as my remembrance of it, I shall have 
 no fear." 
 
 I It 1 turned me suddenly round, and gave one long, search- 
 ing glance into my face ; then, with a hurried good night, 
 we parted. 
 
 5
 
 SYDNIE ADEIANCE, OK 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 *' Ills sweet to feel by what fine-spuu threads our affections are drawn to- 
 gether." STEUXE. 
 
 THE next day was one of farewells. No more rambles 
 in the tender, throbbing moonlight, with the great swells 
 of the ocean rising and sinking with their thunderous 
 rhythm, and foam phantoms chasing one another far up 
 the shore. No more drives in softest twilight, where the 
 purple air was all alive and quivering with the glory of 
 the departed day. No more brilliance and flirting in the 
 long hall, thronged with porters bringing down hosts of 
 trunks. The revel was surely over, and the place already 
 wore an air of desolation. 
 
 Mrs. Westervelt had insisted, and Mrs. Lawrence had 
 accepted an invitation for a few weeks in New York. 
 
 "Miss Adriance will not want to keep straight on with 
 dissipation, I think," Mr. St. John said. " Suppose we 
 take a quiet little turn about the country for a fortnight." 
 
 "O!" I exclaimed, in a delighted tone; and I know the 
 gratification in my face finished the sentence. 
 
 So we said good by to the party. I should have been 
 very lonely for the remainder of the day if I had not 
 heeded Mrs. Lawrence's fervent injunction, and gone to 
 bed. I was really tired and sleepy. 
 
 The parlors looked lonely enough in the evening. Two 
 or three lingerers sang at the piano, but I fancied the 
 voices had a pathetic touch.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 67 
 
 " Let us go out for a short walk," Mr. St. John said. 
 "There is no moon, but we shall not lose our way." 
 
 " Well," he began, after a long, long while, just as I fan- 
 cied that he was not going to talk at all, " how do you 
 like this phase of life'? I think its gayeties have not 
 proved tiresome." 
 
 "It seems a sort of hot-house existence," I answered; 
 "and, though it is delightful for a while, I shouldn't want 
 it continually." 
 
 lie laughed sharply, with a curious sound in his voice 
 that displeased me. 
 
 " You still cling to the old notion. Your friend should 
 have turned your thoughts into a more practical channel." 
 
 I knew he meant Laura. 
 
 "I think neither of us would be likely to influence the 
 other. We are as widely different as one can well im- 
 agine." Then, after a pause, which lie seemed in no hurry 
 to break, I said, "Mr. St. John, have you tny faith, any 
 creed, any rule of conduct?" 
 
 "My beliefs are not for a woman fair and young;" and 
 I knew the expression of his f;ice must be bitter by the 
 tone he used. " But we will not spoil our last night here 
 by disputing. We surely can find some pleasanter topic 
 of conversation." 
 
 And, to do him justice, he did. I confess I do not un- 
 derstand the man at all. Every change in him surprises 
 me. When lie seemed firmly fixed as the rock of Gibral- 
 tar, and hedged about with thorns, and while you are con- 
 sidering in what manner you can best meet his mood, ho 
 suddenly becomes as calm and as fair as a summer s;-a. 
 
 Our little tour was very delightful, taking in Niagara. 
 My pen almost stops, my very thoughts stand with uncov- 
 ered, reverent heads. Sublimity and grandeur arc mean- 
 ing words, but they are tame when applied to this resistless
 
 68 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 tide, nature's magnificent organ, whose tones seem akin to 
 the full choral of that morning when the stars all sang to- 
 gether. Every dash of spray is deeply tinctured with a 
 sense of mysterious loveliness, amber, opal, and frost-white 
 with the warmer hues born of sunshine. A sacred pil- 
 grimage that ought to make one's soul better and nobler. 
 
 I liked Mr. St. John so much while we were there ! He 
 seemed to throw off the mask he wears continually, and 
 give one a glimpse of the real man, royally sweet, appre- 
 ciative, and enjoyable. 
 
 I was glad to see Mrs. Wcstervelt again. She welcomed 
 us all warmly, with that genuine hospitality which is al- 
 ways beyond question. Home is preeminently her place. 
 Her gentleness, her affection, her comprehensive charity 
 charm me. I wonder how it would have been with me if 
 I had shared such a mother's love ! 
 
 Philip, the son, was still away when we first came. I 
 own that I was positively anxious to see him, and it was 
 delightful to have his mother talk of him in her fond, half- 
 girlish manner for she is one of the women who will 
 never grow old. Mr. Westervelt, though not much her 
 senior, seems quite aged beside her. He is still hale and 
 hearty, though, with his mind completely engrossed by 
 business. 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence had gone out one afternoon, and I sat in 
 Mrs. "Westervelt's room, reading to her. This was a great 
 pleasure to me ; and coming occasionally to a passage 
 marked, I lingered over it with peculiar interest. She 
 would recognize it with a quick smile, and for a few sec- 
 onds lose herself in happy remembrances. During one of 
 these pauses I heard a servant's exclamation in the hall, 
 the quiet shutting of the door, and a light, springing step 
 mounted the stairs, two at a bound. 
 
 She gave a little cry of joy, and started from her chair,
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. C9 
 
 to be clasped to a heart fond and warm as lier own. I 
 had a glimpse of a frank, youthful face, blushing in sur- 
 prise, and a head of tawny, chestnut curls, and then I ran 
 away, feeling that the scene was too sacred for stranger 
 eyes. And it saddened me to know that in all the wide 
 world there was no such love and no such welcome for me. 
 
 Presently I was sent for to the drawing-room, and intro- 
 duced formally ; but Mr. Westervelt laughed as he said, 
 
 " My mother insists that I shocked you half an hour ago, 
 Miss Adriance, by my sudden appearance. Not having 
 the grace of an angel, I suppose I ought to apologize. I 
 expected to find her alone." 
 
 "Not a very complimentary apology, when yon saw how 
 I was entertained," Mrs. Westervelt said, deprecatingly. 
 
 "Mother, do you mean to keep me from making peace 
 with Miss Adriance? Did you expect me to send a tele- 
 gram, with date of hour and moment, when I came flying 
 upon the wings of the wind myself? Suppose we do it 
 all over again ? Newport has put some grand ideas in 
 your head. I shall have to take a turn there next sum- 
 mer. Miss Adriance, am I forgiven ? Please don't think 
 me a bear. I am more like a great, shaggy Newfoundland 
 dog." 
 
 " There certainly was nothing to pardon ; " and I 
 smiled. 
 
 " Mamma mine, you see she doesn't hold malice. I'm 
 glad, Miss Adriance, for I want to be friends with you, 
 since you have a claim on some one very clear to me. If 
 you had not started quite so soon, I should have dropped 
 down upon you at Laurelwood, for I have been rambling 
 about Virginia the last six weeks. It would have been 
 Tara's halls deserted." 
 
 "But 'Beauty's reign ' was not over." 
 
 "Ah, you have been conquered by its potent spell. Did
 
 70 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 you ever see so lovely a place, Miss Adrinnce? St. John 
 goes on adding to it year by year, and yet to me it has 
 always been perfect." 
 
 Mrs. Westervelt rang for a servant to light tip the room. 
 I ventured to take my first real glimpse of Philip then. 
 Frank and manly, without being regulaily handsome ; a 
 rather full figure, with remnants of boyish grace, and a 
 face good and sweet, rather than strong. Not that it was 
 weak ; but it lacked the sense of maturity and power that 
 always pleased me so in Mr. St. John. I don't know why 
 I should compare other men with him, as if he were a 
 standard of excellence, and yet I often find myself doing 
 it. There was nothing bitter nor satirical in this face ; and 
 I felt how genial and warm his heart must be. 
 
 Mrs. Westervelt left us to give some orders about the 
 dinner. Philip eyed me in an odd, amused fashion for a 
 moment, then said, with his bright smile, 
 
 " You must pardon me, but I have had a great curiosity 
 to see what Mr. St. John's ward would be like. Guardian- 
 ship seems a new phase for him." 
 
 "Pie did not choose her," I returned; "she was 'great- 
 ness thrust upon him.' " 
 
 "How does he bear his honors meekly?" 
 
 " I have a fancy that meekness is not one of his strong 
 characteristics." 
 
 "You are right. Well, do you like him?" 
 
 " Sometimes." I made a slight grimace for the rest. 
 
 He laughed. 
 
 "Don't think me impertinent. He is peculiar, and so 
 are you." 
 
 " Peculiar ! " I echoed. 
 
 "Yes ; you carry it in your face ; a kind of mystery that 
 perplexes one." 
 
 " I was not aware of that," I said. " I always fancied 
 my feelings came quite readily to the surface."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 71 
 
 u Do they ? Not those that you care the most about. Did 
 you ever think, Miss Adriiince, of the different stories peo- 
 ple carry in their faces? Some writer says, 'We come at 
 length in ourselves to express the spirit within us. The 
 physical fact has its perfect moral respondent.'" 
 
 " But that cannot apply to faces." 
 
 "I believe no general rule applies to all. But some 
 faces do express at a glance the contents within. They 
 are never difficult natures to read. Others set one wonder- 
 ing what their possessors will do in the great straits of life, 
 when some emotion, magnetized by its own strength, 
 sways and thrills them, and hurries them impetuously 
 through contests. You ask if they will be bitter in anger, 
 defiant, and uncompromising; or if through all the power 
 and strength runs a fine stream of rarest love, like the 
 glowing veins in an agate, and tells you what the draught 
 would be if the right hand held the key to the fountain." 
 
 I was growing strangely interested, and asked, 
 
 " What do you see in my face?" 
 
 "I'm not going to tell you now; but some time, when 
 the friendship warrants the frankness, you may ask me; 
 though I assure you I do not boast of my skill. You see 
 that I count upon being friends;" and he smiled. 
 
 I held out my hand with a sudden impulse. 
 
 "Thank you. I have another fancy about names, Miss 
 Adriance. If you have been wrongly called, we shall have 
 a new christening. Now my mother, you see, must have 
 had a presentiment. Philip would call up a vision of 
 hazel eyes, chestnut curls, a laughing, careless fellow, with 
 small regard for extreme conventionalities, fond of gay, 
 social life, and home love. And Stuart is just the name 
 for St. John proud, stern, and suggestive." 
 
 " I will give you three guesses," I said, as his eyes ques- 
 tioned me.
 
 72 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 "Margaret or Eleanor?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 " You are so tall and stately, and with that wealth of 
 dusky hair, that you ought to have a queenly appellative. 
 Softness and gentleness will not do for you." 
 
 " Why shouldn't I have a gentle name ? Do you think I 
 have nothing appealing in ray nature ? " 
 
 "Think of May, or Grace, or Jessie " 
 
 " Or Ellen. Yet I am sure Ellen Douglas had some spirit 
 and character." 
 
 A strange light wandered over his face, softening it in- 
 describably. 
 
 "Your black eyes, with their slumberous fire, would 
 spoil an Ellen. She should be small and slender, with 
 loose, brown curls, and shy, downcast eyes of heaven's own. 
 blue ; her voice should be smooth and cool, like the mur- 
 mur of a midsummer stream through flowery meads. 
 What strange dreams sometimes get tangled with one's 
 life ! But my last chance," and he roused himself with 
 an effort " Elizabeth ? " 
 
 " It would be cruel to torment you. My mother loved my 
 dead father so well that she gave me his name Sydnie." 
 
 "Excellent. That heightens the mystery of your face." 
 
 " You insist upon that ? " 
 
 " It is a cardinal point of faith with me. There's St. 
 John's voice in the hall, so we will append to our conver- 
 sation a 'to be continued ; ' " and he laughed lightly as he 
 went out to meet his friend. 
 
 What a contrast the two men were ! I could not help 
 remarking it at the dinner table. How they had ever be- 
 come such warm friends puzzled me. And this night Mr. 
 St. John blossomed into a geniality and richness that was 
 absolutely fascinating. How handsome he was, with a 
 bright glow in his eyes and a flush upon his cheek ! for
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 73 
 
 although in the enjoyment of perfect health, he had very 
 little color. We had a really delightful evening, and the 
 picture remains in my mind as one of those perfect home 
 ecenes that I, at least, had rarely witnessed. Mrs. Wester- 
 velt's joy was complete ; the sweet face was serene and 
 content. 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence has a wonderful adaptableness. She 
 seems at home everywhere, and enjoys all pleasures in 
 the same refined and delicate manner. I suppose she has 
 some choice, but none of her feelings are ever roused into 
 active opposition. I wonder if she doesn't grow tired, liv- 
 ing the same life over day after day. I should want some 
 great event to happen, some incident that would stir my 
 blood now and then. 
 
 After Philip's return we were a good deal gayer, or at 
 least he gave to all delights his peculiar zest. His love for 
 his mother was like a tender romance, and he treated her 
 with a deference and devotion any wife might have been 
 proud of. She appreciated it thoroughly ; but I think she 
 was most generous in that she did not seem to fear the 
 time when she would be called upon to share it with 
 another. Indeed, Philip's wife was rather a pet idea of 
 hers. I smiled as I thought how Laura had discarded him 
 from her future. 
 
 There was a series of small dinner-parties, concerts, and 
 several operas to take up our attention ; beyond this, ram- 
 bles with Philip, who haunted picture galleries and artists' 
 studios. He was not lacking in cultivation, as well as love 
 for all things beautiful. 
 
 "It puzzles me how you can have learned so much," I 
 said, late one afternoon, as we were sauntering through a 
 quiet street. 
 
 "I believe nearly nil the good things in my life came 
 from Laurehvood," he returned, seriously.
 
 74 STDNJE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 "Love for art, for music, for home, and nil refined en- 
 joyments. You must have been an apt scholar, and Mr. 
 St. John a most generous preceptor." 
 
 "When you know him better you will scarcely wonder. 
 You have hardly seen his real character yet, and perhaps- 
 he might not show his heart as readily to a woman. I 
 think he is a little suspicious of the sex ; but he is noble 
 enough to honor goodness when he meets with it." 
 
 "I have not been sufficiently noble to justify his appre- 
 ciation, then a rather mortifying conclusion." 
 
 "You don't believe that: I can tell it by the compres- 
 sion of your lips and the little shadow that comes in your 
 eyes." 
 
 " Then my face has ceased to be mysterious." 
 
 "I understand some of its moods. Shall I tell you how 
 I came to love St. John ?" 
 
 " Yes," I answered, diverted from the question I meant 
 to ask. 
 
 "Of course you can imagine how I was indulged through 
 my boyhood, especially after I became an only child. My 
 father was very proud of me. At college he kept me lib- 
 erally supplied with money, and I ran into many tempta- 
 tions; youth is so taken with the glitter of show and 
 power. I liked to be admired, and called a generous fel- 
 low; and that I did not plunge into absolute excesses was 
 owing to the influence of my sweet mother. But, as you 
 see, there was scarcely any restraint upon me. When I 
 came home my father took me into his counting-house. It 
 was merely a nominal position, and I might have idled my 
 time shamefully ; but I took quite a fancy to business. I 
 squandered enough as it was, frequenting theatres, billiard 
 halls, club-rooms, and champagne suppers, and driving a 
 fast horse. You cannot realize the power of such influ- 
 ences, and how they blunt the finer feelings. One becomes
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 75 
 
 accustomed to hearing the names of women he had re- 
 spected bandied about in toasts and idle jests; truth, af- 
 fection, and purity sneered at, and love perverted bought 
 and sold in market-places, until one loses all faith in the 
 holiness of human nature. 
 
 " After .1 while I was dangerously ill with a fever. I 
 had never been sick before, and in the long convalescence 
 there was plenty of time for thought. I used to watch 
 mother, with her noiseless steps, smoothing pillows, 
 arranging flowers, interpreting the slightest glance, and 
 ministering unto me with unwearied devotion. How 
 poorly I had requited her love and my father's unbounded 
 confidence ! I had wasted my energies in an idle, unprofit- 
 able life, and a weight like a mountain lay upon my heart. 
 How could I escape walking in the old paths? 
 
 " St. John, happening to have some business with father, 
 was at the house quite frequently, and we used to drive 
 together. I suppose I must have moped and betrayed my 
 want of spirits, for he took great pains to interest me. I 
 found him so different from the men I had known, that at 
 last I was won into betraying my secret uneasiness. A 
 grand, rich nature, full of power, intellect, and courage, 
 living the great truths he teaches to others, and offering 
 no draught, be it ever so unwelcome a tonic, that he is not 
 willing to test himselK" 
 
 " He doesn't impress me in that manner," I said. " I 
 have seen him sneer and be very bitter over some things." 
 
 " He is intolerant of shams. Having seen much of the 
 world, he can readily distinguish between the false and the 
 true. And, though gentle, there is a rigid side to his 
 character. No man is ever wholly developed until he 
 comes to the grand passion of his life. I want to see 
 St. John fairly in love with a woman worthy of the regard 
 such a man can jnve."
 
 76 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 " But your own story." 
 
 "He persuaded mother to let him take me to Laurel- 
 wood. It was my first visit, and in the spring. The glory 
 of the place touched me deeply. It seemed to me that 
 field and wood were never so beautiful. Quivering lights 
 and trooping shadows ; a perfect splendor of life in the 
 flowers that shook out clouds of incense as a morning 
 hymn ; birds whose soaring crescendo broke into a thousand 
 wild, sweet echoes ; skies fretted with silver bars at mid- 
 day, and glowing with purple and golden sunsets at night. 
 Everything was instinct with a sense of quick, vital fresh- 
 ness. Do you wonder that I found my soul ? We used 
 to have such long, delightful talks; and in the tender twi- 
 light he would play on the organ many of those ineffable 
 harmonies of the old masters. It was being ' born again.' 
 I came back to my mother, her child." 
 
 " And you discovered the true secret of life," I said, 
 musingly. " Some souls have a more difficult search. It 
 seems to me half the things in this world are at war with 
 the other half. How is one to distinguish ?" 
 
 " By being true to God and one's self. The way is not 
 BO hard, after all; but we are blind and dull until some 
 shock rouses us." 
 
 "It is more trying for a woman," I returned. "She is 
 expected to pay some regard to the claims of society. I 
 believe female reformers are at a discount." 
 
 "But patient, noble, high-toned women never are." 
 
 We had reached the house by this time. The breezy 
 autumn wind had inspirited me. I felt strong and glad in 
 every pulse, and ready to begin anew. 
 
 " I never can tell you all the reasons why I love St. 
 John," Philip said, in a softened tone. "A month ago I 
 was thankful for the lesson I had learned in self-denial 
 and true manliness. Life isn't always fair and smooth.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 77 
 
 There are thorns in nearly every path. Have I tired you 
 with my confidences?" 
 
 "O, no." I experienced a quick, joyous, friendly feeling 
 towards him. It was the first rare emotion of my life. 
 
 Running up stairs eagerly, for we were a little late, 
 I met Mr. St. John on the landing a cool, quiet, polished 
 gentleman ; a picture there in the light, mellowed through 
 the ground globe: Philip Westervelt's hero a Sir Ga- 
 lahad. 
 
 "Truant," he exclaimed, in a tone that influenced me 
 curiously, "where have you been so long?" 
 
 " Walking with Mr. Westervelt, and talking. He isn't 
 bitter, and cynical, and unjust, as you are." 
 
 Then I stood still, quite frightened. My thoughts had 
 clothed themselves with words too soon. 
 
 " I am glad you have been well entertained," he re- 
 turned, coldly, allowing me to pass without further com- 
 ment. 
 
 What a bright, glowing face I saw in the glass ! It was 
 beautiful, and I could not help feeling glad. I had a pre- 
 sentiment that there were people in the world who could 
 appreciate me, be patient with my faults, strengthen my 
 earnest desire for what was best and highest in life, and 
 help me to mould my character into that symmetry so 
 much to be desired, where soul and body should not war 
 with one another, but become a harmonious whole. 
 
 I was a little nervous as I went down to dinner; but 
 Mr. St. John's face wore its usual serene expression. He 
 never betrays any feeling to me.
 
 78 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 " This is the excellent foppery of the world." 
 
 HAMLET. 
 
 WE saw Laura Hastings frequently, and I was surprised 
 at the readiness with which she adapted herself to any 
 position. The girl was a born actress. It was a mystery 
 to me how she could appear so completely at home in any 
 kind of mental garb in which she chose to clothe herself. 
 
 Mrs. Hastings smiled very complacently upon her child. 
 Their rooms were generally thronged of an evening, and 
 Laura queened it royally. I began to think Mrs. Hastings 
 fully as good a manager as Mrs. Lawrence ; and, though 
 they were not really wealthy, everything was carried on 
 with an air of elegance. 
 
 I called one day with Mrs. "VVestervelt, when Laura in- 
 sisted I should remain to lunch, and carried me off to her 
 room. 
 
 " My dear," she said, " I've been wild to see you all the 
 morning. I had a most magnificent present last night, 
 which I am sure you can appreciate;" and opening a cas- 
 ket, she displayed a pair of emerald bracelets of rare and 
 exquisite workmanship. They seemed to make a glitter 
 of sunlight in the small apartment. 
 
 "I leave you to guess the donor." 
 
 " Mr. Varick, I suppose : such gifts must be measured 
 by the length of one's purse." 
 
 " Are they not splendid ? You can have every lovely
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 79 
 
 thing you want; but to me they are perfect treasures. 
 And with them a card for Mrs. Thurston's ball. She is 
 Lis only sister, and immensely aristocratic. I fancy it was 
 a special permit." 
 
 "In what manner?" 
 
 " O, we plebeians haven't the entree of that golden circle 
 by right. Mamma was hugely astonished. Of course you 
 know what it means." 
 
 "Not an erigairement?" 
 
 O O 
 
 "The next thing to it. We haven't progressed that 
 rapidly. Indeed, I'm sorry it's coming quite so soon." 
 
 "Do you really mean to accept him?" 
 
 "O, I shall accept, of course. Mamma would feel 
 tempted to sew me up in a sack and drop me in the Hud- 
 son if I didn't. And I must be married by next summer." 
 
 " What's the urgent necessity ? You will not be ancient 
 by that time-."' 
 
 " But I have a handsome sister who is to be introduced. 
 We are too nearly of an age for comfort." 
 
 " I should think a sister would be a pleasant compan- 
 ion." 
 
 " Obtuse mortal : if a sister is handsome, she will rival 
 you; if plain, she will envy you and be spiteful. Gertrude 
 is a brilliant brunette, with great, lustrous eyes, and rich, 
 crimson cheeks, dashing, piquant, and glowing just the 
 kind of woman that men go wild over. Mamma predicts 
 wonderful things for her. So, you see, after this winter 
 my reign will be at an end. I could comfort myself with 
 the pleasure of seeing her married first, and, perhaps, pick 
 up some of her old lovers." 
 
 " After she was married, you could reassert your sway." 
 '"And be merely a side ornament in fashion's drawing- 
 room, holding a candle that my sister may see the better 
 to put on airs and patronize me. O, I know the world to
 
 80 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 the last chapter; and no younger sister marries before 
 me." 
 
 " You do not take a very amiable view," I said. 
 
 "And you cannot realize my situation. Mamma will 
 expect me to make my old finery do next summer, and 
 spend everything upon Gertrude. I shall look faded, 
 passee, and, very likely, be ill-natured. People will won- 
 der why I didn't marry, and try to make me out half a 
 dozen years older than I am. The world is a good enough 
 slave, but a hard master." 
 
 " The other would be galling slavery to me." 
 
 " We are altogether different, my dear. A comfortable 
 husband and a luxurious life are my ambition." 
 
 " But he is so much older, rather stiff and formal, it 
 seems to me." 
 
 "I'd like to have him younger; but it will not do to let 
 the chance go by. So I shall accept him ; and, if some- 
 thing better offers, I shall do the pathetic in a graceful 
 fashion." 
 
 " How heartless you are, Laura ! " I could not forbear 
 saying. 
 
 She laughed. 
 
 " It doesn't pay to be sentimental. I am determined to 
 make a good match ; but if anything better than this offers 
 I shall surely take it." 
 
 "And circumstances only will keep you from trifling 
 with Mr. Varick. I think he has some regard for you." 
 
 " Don't look so horrified. I shall manage it admirably. 
 A charmingly frank confession, in which I shall bewail my 
 mistake, amid tears and blushes, and appeal to his mag- 
 nanimous heart. There's nothing like fluttering men a 
 little ; they all have a weak spot. The secret of being 
 fascinating is only keeping people pleased with themselves. 
 When you rub them up the wrong way, it makes their eye-
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 81 
 
 sight ever so much keener, and they are able to detect 
 every flaw in you." 
 
 " ttut think of the home hallowed by no affection!" 
 
 " It will be rendered brilliant by money, nevertheless. I 
 should soon tire of the humdrum existence you worship. 
 Goodness is invariably stupid; and love becomes, in time, 
 a bore. If I was insane enough to marry some one who 
 insisted upon my gracing the domestic fireside, and thought 
 holding my hand and reading poetry sufficient compensa- 
 tion, I should elope with the first dashing fellow who pre- 
 sented himself." 
 
 " And you suppose no such temptation will occur to Mrs, 
 Varick?" 
 
 " My dear, I have a great regard for the proprieties of 
 life. I shall have an elegant house, an indulgent husband, 
 and hosts of company, lean invite Gertrude to my par- 
 ties, drive her out in my carriage, share honors with her 
 next summer at Newport ; so I fancy my time will be suf- 
 ficiently occupied. I may do a little flirting on the sly, 
 but it will be of the most harmless kind." 
 
 "And after you have gone through with the round of 
 pleasures ? " 
 
 " I'll go over them again, of course." 
 
 "The life looks bald, and heartless, and uninviting to 
 me," I said. 
 
 " Sydnie," she began, suddenly, "why don*t you take 
 Phil? He is one of the good, fireside kind." 
 
 I colored with conscious shame ; for somehow I could 
 not biing myself to discuss my preferences in this flippant 
 manner. 
 
 "Confess!" She knelt before me, and looked steadily 
 into my face. 
 
 " There is nothing to confess. We are simply friends. 
 If you need any further assurance, I Uke him very much," 
 6
 
 82 SYDNIE ADB1ANCE, OS 
 
 I absolutely despair of you. What do you intend to 
 do with yourself? " 
 
 "I may find some place and employment." 
 
 " I will read your fortune. You are starting out with 
 impossible theories, which men will tolerate now because 
 you are young, handsome, and rich. But when you begin 
 to fade, grow disappointed in the failure of your fine ideas, 
 and possibly a little sharp in temper, you'll marry like the 
 rest of us. Wouldn't it be grand to meet in about ten 
 years and compare notes?" 
 
 The bell rang for lunch, and we went down stairs. A 
 friend of Mrs. Hastings had come in, and Mrs. Thurston's 
 ball was the great topic of discussion. Mrs. Hastings 
 talked of their invitation with most aristocratic non- 
 chalance ; but she was too well-bred to hint at Laura's 
 prospects, though I could not help but feel that they -were 
 both secretly elated. 
 
 After that we went down Broadway. When we parted 
 she gave a dainty little nod of her head. 
 
 " I shall be sure to see you after I have distracted every 
 one with my emeralds and my rich lover," were her part- 
 ing words. 
 
 I walked slowly to Madison Square, wondering what 
 changes ten years would bring about. How strange it 
 seemed, to stand upon the threshold of life with so many 
 pleasant things about one ! I could afford to wait to marry 
 for love if I chose. But icould I ever find the ideal affec- 
 tion that lighted up the visions of my brain? 
 
 I was expatiating on the richness and beauty of Laura's 
 bracelets the next morning, as we three ladies lingered 
 over the breakfast-table. Going to the library, Philip met 
 me with a question in his eyes that made me smile. 
 
 "Don't be vexed," he began, dcprecatingly ; "I heard 
 part of your story. Do you know who gave Laura those 
 emeralds ? "
 
 VrtYING THE WORLD. 83 
 
 " Yes," I answered. 
 
 " Was it a Mr. Varick?" 
 
 " Why do you think so ? " I was in no hurry to betray 
 the secret. 
 
 " I saw him in Ball & Black's purchasing just such a set, 
 and he left an order for them to be marked and sent to his 
 residence. I heard he had taken Laura out driving several 
 times." 
 
 " He was the donor. They are to wear at his sister's 
 ball." 
 
 " A man like Mr. Varick doesn't go so far unless he is in 
 earnest, and Mrs. Hastings is too much a woman of the 
 world to let such an opportunity go by unimproved. Poor 
 Laura will be relentlessly sacrificed. Why do you smile?" 
 
 " I was thinking that Laura might feel quite comforta- 
 ble about it." 
 
 " She cannot. I have known her from a child. Her 
 training has not been of the highest order, but she is capa- 
 ble of enjoying a better life than that will be. Why, Mr. 
 Varick must be nearly fifty, pompous, and, I was going to 
 say, soulless. If left to herself, she would be immeasurably 
 above such traffic." 
 
 She had succeeded in deceiving Philip as to her real 
 character. Indeed, what was real about her? 
 
 " I fancy she will be comparatively happy as Mrs. Var- 
 ick," I said. 
 
 " Happy ! The word is a mockery in that connection. 
 I could forgive a girl who married for the sake of saving 
 her family from want, but even then it would be a miser- 
 able farce. Laura is young, and has not the shadow of an 
 excuse. Yet I can see how her mother will persuade, and 
 get her entangled before she is hardly aware of it. Does 
 every door turn only with a golden key ? " 
 
 " I hope not," I said.
 
 84 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 I wonder what you will do!" looking past me rather 
 than at me. 
 
 "Believe in all sorts of obsolete goodness, and spend my 
 days hunting the impossible." 
 
 "It is not impossible; and for a woman to lose her faith 
 in love seems monstrous. Poor Laura! You are her 
 friend; why do you not try to incline her to better 
 things?" 
 
 "I am afraid I should make a poor missionary." 
 
 "They are best who hold the faith firmly;" and he 
 smiled. 
 
 I felt it would be dishonorable to portray Laura as I 
 knew her, and was silent. She spoke the truth when she 
 said it was as well to affect virtues as to possess them. 
 How few people could penetrate the veil, unless brought 
 into most intimate contact! And I believe, in her way, 
 Laura was happy. 
 
 She went to the ball, and was enthusiastic over Mrs. 
 Thurston's style and elegance. Shortly after we heard a 
 rumor of the engagement, which Mrs. Westervelt contra- 
 dicted out of pure generosity, and, the next time Laura 
 called, asked her what- could have given rise to such an 
 absurd story. 
 
 Laura looked up with charming naivete, and declared 
 the report true. 
 
 "My dear child to throw yourself away in the very 
 bloom of youth !" and Mrs. "Westervelt's face expressed all 
 the astonishment and disapproval of which it was capable. 
 
 " I am aware that I shall be misunderstood ; " and Laura 
 made her voice soft and touching, while her eyes drooped 
 a little, a trick in which she was well versed ; " but Mr. 
 Varick has proved himself a kind and generous man, and 
 not incapable of winning a woman's regard. I liked him 
 at Newport, and since then, when I have seen him in
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 85 
 
 contrast with too many of the vapid and conceited cox- 
 combs that frequent society, I have been led to pay him a 
 higher respect than before. I rate good sterling sense and 
 a mature mind higher than a mere pl.-asing exterior." 
 
 "If you can be happy," Mrs. Wcstervelt said, doubt- 
 fully. 
 
 " I think I shall, and not only that, but render him happy 
 also. That will be my highest study; "and she blushed 
 most becomingly. I confess I felt positively indignant. 
 
 "Didn't I go through with it capitally ?" she whispered, 
 in the hall. "I like to keep in Mamma Westervelt's good 
 graces. I depend upon you not to repeat my idle gossip." 
 
 " It was shameful 1 " I said ; " I actually blushed for 
 you." 
 
 " Your virtue is altogether too violent. You must 
 train it to a more high-bred elegance. Mtmma is up to 
 the seventh heaven of bliss. Mr. Varick proves a wanner 
 lover than I supposed, mid thinks a three-months engage- 
 ment long enough. So I suppose I must resign myself to 
 my fate ; but I mean to go to Europe as a reward." 
 
 I brushed her kiss off of my lips in a strange heat of 
 passion. It was seldom that she offered such a caress, 
 and I knew she must be in a charmingly complacent 
 mood. 
 
 That evening we were gathered around the grate for 
 the nights had grown chilly. There being no visitors, 
 Mrs. Lawrence had yielded to a headache, and gone to 
 her own room. Mr. St. John had been reading from a 
 new volume of poems, but presently closed his book, and 
 we fell into a desultory conversation. 
 
 Mrs. Westervelt spoke of Laura. My friendship, for all 
 it was but a name, kept me silent. Mr. St. John made 
 some generous excuses for her in her training and home 
 influence.
 
 86 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 "What a pity," Philip said, sadly, " that marriage, the 
 noblest and sweetest boon to humanity, should be per- 
 verted to unhallowed uses degraded into mere barter 
 for station and wealth. It gives faith a cruel wound. How 
 can one make advances in the higher principles of life 
 when the heart is fed upon husks?" 
 
 "Yet how little of the better aliment we find! Mar- 
 riages are rare where hearts are united for a lifetime," 
 Mr. St. John returned. 
 
 "If united at all, it must be for a lifetime." 
 
 " I don't know ; " and his voice fell a trifle, while a shady 
 look came into his eyes. " I have seen love last for years, 
 and then perish miserably." 
 
 " It was not love. St. John, your faith is perfect every- 
 where except upon this point. I wish you knew. Love 
 comes with truth in her heart, and constancy in every 
 pulse, to sit down an everlasting guest in the hearts of 
 those who truly welcome her. If there are sorrows and 
 storms, she spreads her wings for an ark of shelter ; if toil 
 and care, she lightens it with her blessed smile. No room 
 for regrets or jealousies, for both are true in deed and 
 thought ; no coldness, for she stands between them and 
 the frosts of time. Year by year they grow into perfect 
 accord, bringing heaven nearer with every dawn. Can 
 such love ever fail?" 
 
 " You are right. This is love in its highest purity. God 
 help us all to find it." 
 
 Philip sighed softly, and we all lapsed into silence. In 
 the shade stealing over his face there was something that 
 made one sad to see a hope missed, or, perhaps, dropped 
 out of life. It startled me for a moment. 
 
 And then I wondered if I should ever find such a star 
 to light me on my way. Existence would be bare and 
 bleak without it. I was capable of loving with passionate
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 87 
 
 intensity ; and yet, standing here upon the shore, I 
 trembled with nameless apprehension. What if I should 
 wreck this precious bark? There were so many ingulfing 
 tides and quicksands. I longed to dare its mystery, and 
 yet shrank from that fateful time. 
 
 Our stay had been prolonged on account of the opera, 
 which had been unusually fine. It was mid-October be- 
 fore a day for our return was appointed. 
 
 I had grown warmly attached to the Westervelts. Be- 
 tween Philip and myself there existed a warm regard, too 
 generous for love, and yet singularly comprehensive. I 
 had a faint misgiving that his mother expected it to ripen 
 into the rare bloom of that passion ; and Mrs. Lawrence 
 smiled an unqualified approval. 
 
 I had a fancy, too, that another watched. Was it for 
 his sake? That thought annoyed me. Did Mr. St. John 
 fancy that I should take pleasure in idly coquetting with 
 such a heart, or did he believe me not worthy of so high a 
 regard ? 
 
 I had been lingering in the library a long while with 
 Philip one afternoon, and fallen into a pleasant reverie, 
 when a light step brought me back to reality ; or, rather, 
 the peculiar presence which I felt with a vivid presenti- 
 ment. I turned, and our eyes met. Mr. St. John crossed 
 the room, and stood beside me. 
 
 " Well?" I said, at length, wishing to break the power- 
 ful spell. 
 
 " Would one dare to be friends with you ? " It was ut- 
 tered in a low tone, and did impress me singularly. 
 
 "Mr. Westervelt doesn't find it a difficult matter," I 
 answered, coldly. 
 
 " It is about that ; and if I take a friend's privilege, 
 pardon me. You are young, and have turned but few 
 pages in the book of experience : I have read it to its
 
 88 SYDNIE ADRTANCE, OR 
 
 bitter end. Am I not right in thinking you would avoid 
 giving pain to one who is susceptible to deepest anguish 
 as well as dearest joy ?" 
 
 His voice was grave, but gentle in its inflection, as if 
 somewhere in the daikness a chord of music had been 
 touched, and sent back a responsive thrill. 
 
 I made no answer with my lips, but I think he saw as- 
 sent in my eyes* 
 
 " Philip is affectionate, confiding, essentially truthful. Is 
 it quite right to encourage a love that you do not, cannot 
 return ? " 
 
 "Why can I not?" I said, almost defiantly, yet scarcely- 
 above a whisper. 
 
 "Because your soul was cast in a different mould." 
 
 "You do not understand. I have given no encourage- 
 ment of the kind you mean." 
 
 " Not intentionally. I acquit you of that. But a ship 
 m:iy be lost by following a stray light from some distant 
 hill. Child, it is saving you as Well. Tell me that I may 
 trust you." 
 
 His hand touched mine: the strength and power mag- 
 netized me into a yielding mood. It was like being borne 
 along by some swift current. 
 
 " You may trust me." 
 
 I said it almost without any volition of my own. The 
 eyes, dusky with a luminous light, transfixed mine, reading 
 my inmost soul, an unwritten page as yet. Then our lips 
 met just an instant. If he had willed, he could have car- 
 ried every pulse captive. What hidden cause restrained 
 him ? 
 
 I knew then that I could not love Philip Westervelt with 
 the strength and passion of my slowly dawning nature. 
 He was manly to the heart's core, tender, susceptible, and 
 the woman of his choice would be twice blest when she
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 89 
 
 gave and when she received. But this chalice was not for 
 me ; it would be held to some other lips. My draught 
 might be perilously sweet, yet there would be in it a flavor 
 keen almost to bitterness. 
 
 I sat there in silence long after he left me, trembling 
 \vitli strange anticipations. I fancied my life was not to 
 be as other lives, but filled with extremes, as it had been 
 in childhood. I felt like one who has been long in dark- 
 ness, and whose pulses flutter at the first tremulous ray of 
 light. I would go whithersoever it led.
 
 90 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, Ott 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 " I do believe, 
 
 Though T have found them not, that there may be 
 Words which are things, hopes which will not deceive.-" 
 
 CHILDE HAROLD. 
 
 I AM delighted to be at Laurelwood again. 
 
 In the ripened flushes of gold and crimson the season 
 seems to gather up its trailing garments, and sweep impe- 
 riously through fields of mellow sunshine, groves of flow- 
 ers, and clustering trees, leaving the maple scarlet and 
 glowing with the warm embrace, and lighting the whole 
 landscape with tawny flames. I thrill at the splendor, and 
 long to hold the days in some giant clasp, that they fly 
 not too rapidly. Long, inspiriting rides bring a flush to 
 my cheek, and sometimes I can almost feel the fire that I 
 know must flash from my eyes. 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence left me alone with nature while she pre- 
 pared the house for a ball, that I might not lack in-door 
 entertainment. I thought there was nothing to improve, 
 but she did find some alterations to make. She has a re- 
 markable eye, certainly. I don't wonder that Mr. St. John 
 admires her: she is so quiet and elegant in all she docs. 
 I believe she could have everything taken out of the 
 drawing-room and replaced, without a person suspecting 
 it from any noise or bustle. 
 
 The house was a marvel on the night of the ball. The 
 spacious hall, with its marble floor polished anew, every 
 niche surprising you with a tall vase of flowers, or some 
 dainty statue gracefully posed ; the wide stairs, with their
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 91 
 
 soft carpet, a mass of delicate climbing vines, and moss 
 that seemed to have been just gathered from rank, sliaily 
 woods, yet dripping with moisture. The lights were soft- 
 ened, in order to give it a dreamy, suggestive look, rather 
 than a brilliant glare. 
 
 If possible, the drawing-room was still more magnificent. 
 At any time it was a storehouse of rare treasures, so ex- 
 quisitely arranged that it never seemed crowded, and yet 
 lured you on and on with a sense of undiscovered beauty. 
 On the opposite side of the hall the library displayed its 
 choice stores, and the gilded organ pipes made bright one 
 shadowy corner. A large reception room for ordinary pur- 
 poses had been turned into a cosy nook by bringing out 
 some curious little stands, exquisitely carved or inlaid, 
 until they looked like pure mother-of-pearl. A vase of 
 flow-el's, a book of engravings, or some odd foreign toy 
 won you to look, and then a luxurious chair wooed you 
 to stay. 
 
 Mr. St. John asked me to go through the rooms before 
 the revel began, never checking my enthusiasm in its 
 wildest flights. I think he has been more friendly of late; 
 some of his moods absolutely startle me, for I feel as if I 
 were drifting down pome weird, entrancing shore, and 
 long to reach out my hand to cling to solid rock or tree. 
 I am afraid of him, and yet I never appear to have the 
 power to rescue myself. I am not sure but I like that 
 bright, generous gei.iulity best ; it has less power in it, and 
 does not give one the sense of hurrying on breathlessly 
 whither? 
 
 All the neighboring gentry had been invited, and some 
 guests from a distance. By dusk there was a trooping 
 through the halls, and a low, pleasant confusion of voices. 
 I obeyed Mrs. Lawrence's injunctions, and kept to my 
 room. Thirza, it seemed, would never have done with me.
 
 92 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 I had grown quite used to her pleasant service; but now 
 she dallied unconscionably. 
 
 A servant came up from Mr. St. John. He had sent me 
 a few Cromatilla rose-buds and lemon-blossoms to wear, 
 and I thanked him from the depth of my heart for his 
 interest. 
 
 At last I was dressed. Mrs. Lawrence pronounced me 
 perfect. I hardly knew myself, I was such a marvel of 
 tulle and wraith-like blond lace, that must have been woven 
 in Arachne's loom, and still seemed glittering with dew- 
 drops. 
 
 " This outshines Newport," I said, with a gay laugh. 
 
 The rooms were filling rapidly when Mr. St. John es- 
 corted me down. Two or three familiar voices restored 
 my mental equilibrium, but it seemed to me a perfect 
 chaos of silk and satin and jewels, with waves of lace, 
 and shimmer of curls like sunshine. The band was sta- 
 tioned in the hall, and was giving some low, suggestive 
 airs, that made the scene appear more than ever like en- 
 chantment. 
 
 Mr. Graham came to claim me for the first quadrille. I 
 felt quite at home with him, and he was delighted with the 
 favor. 
 
 " What has happened to you ? " he asked, in the earliest 
 pause. "You have blossomed like some magnificent trop- 
 ical plant. I could hardly have believed my sight at the 
 first glance." 
 
 I had grown accustomed to admiration, and only smiled. 
 
 " What a day that was in the summer ! I wonder if you 
 remember it?" 
 
 " I have a pretty good memory," I said. 
 
 " I thought of you at Newport, and was tempted to 
 make a flying visit. Only it wouldn't have been half the 
 pleasure to you that it would have proved to me."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 93 
 
 It was our turn now, and I was glad. But if his lips 
 were silent, his eyes still spoke. I couldn't help thinking 
 nbout his engagement with a sort of dim misgiving. Had 
 I been unwise that summer day? Mr. St. John had lec- 
 tured me about it crossly enough, bait then my conscience 
 had acquitted me. 
 
 " I will be very careful," I said to myself, as a crash of 
 music announced the quadrille ended. 
 
 "Have you been introduced to father?" Mr. Graham 
 asked, instead of seating me. " They were quite late in 
 coming down. I believe mother thought she must make 
 herself especially grand in order to do honor to Miss Adri- 
 ance." 
 
 " Then I must reward her," I said, smilingly, and we 
 took our way through the crowd. 
 
 General Graham, stout, rosy, and undeniably Scotch 
 without his strong accent, pleased me at once. Mrs. 
 Graham, fair, round, and motherly, with a sweet face and 
 silvery voice, and beside them a petite fairy, with soft 
 brown curls, and eyes like the starry flax flower. 
 
 "My cousin Miss Keith," Hugh Graham said. 
 
 I ventured another look. It seemed to me as if I must 
 have seen her somewhere before one of those dim im- 
 pressions that affect the brain so singularly. 
 
 Mr. St. John came in sight. u I believe there is an in- 
 quiry for you in the hall," he remarked. 
 
 " I'm to have another quadrille," Mr. Graham said, in a 
 whisper. 
 
 Miss Keith was dancing opposite this time. What a 
 tender, loving little face! what entreating eyes! I won- 
 dered if she was fond of her cousin. Somehow, it wasn't 
 a marriage at all to my fancy. Were people continually 
 misplaced ? 
 
 There was not much time for speculation, however. The
 
 94 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 gay scene was delightful, and appealed to every sense. I 
 danced, chatted, and promenaded the rooms and hall, lis- 
 tened to flatteries that were delicate, and some that were 
 distasteful ; and as a ball, I fancy it was a brilliant success. 
 People strayed away in little groups, and lingered in shady 
 corners, laughed and talked, looked at the pictures, and 
 examined the curious articles of foreign virtu in that in- 
 formal manner, as if they felt entirely at ease. The supper 
 passed off delightfully. I had never seen anything so 
 beautiful as the table. The china, brilliant and thin, 
 glasses ground and cut until they caught the light at 
 every point, an epergne of frosted silver, in which flowers 
 and fruit were one tangled mass of color and beauty, and 
 two vases of malachite, festooned around the edges with 
 hanging clusters of luscious purple grapes, forming a glows 
 ing contrast. I absolutely wondered how any one could 
 eat in that dazzle of loveliness. 
 
 It had not palled upon me when it ended. Indeed, I 
 had been in unusual spirits all the evening. The gayety 
 seemed less frivolous here, where there was no gossip of 
 lovers and good marriages. At least, if there was I did 
 not hear it. 
 
 The Grahams were among those who remained all night; 
 and we had a cosy breakfast late the next morning, with 
 the dining-room quite in its usual trim, and no faded frag- 
 ments of our night's dissipation visible. I found Miss 
 Keith very shy, but with an odd charm, I might say quaint- 
 ness, that gave me a desire to know more about her. 
 
 General Graham gave us a most cordial invitation to 
 visit Mont Argyle, his residence, some distance from 
 Laurel wood. A kind, courtly old gentleman, that I confess 
 I admired exceedingly. Hugh seconded his father, with 
 an entreating glance. 
 
 " I wish you would come real soon, Miss Adriance," Miss
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 95 
 
 Keith saul, shyly raising her eyes from the glimmer of their 
 long lashes. "We are quiet people, and cannot promise 
 you so much magnificence, but out of doors the country 
 around us is grand. There are some splendid rides." 
 
 "And of course you ride, Miss Adriance," Hugh ex- 
 claimed. " It is one of my passions. We have some mag- 
 nificent horses, at any rate;" and he laughed. 
 
 Miss Keith evidently was not given to jealousy. I ex- 
 perienced a strong inclination to take her in my arms and 
 kiss the sweet face; but I was a little afraid of Mr. St. 
 John's distant eyes, and so behaved discreetly. 
 
 After that episode, or rather plunge, into society, I 
 floated upon the topmost wave. I am ashamed to chron- 
 icle the little progress I made in more solid matters. I 
 found no time for study, very little for reading, and the 
 jm'ivst point for reflection, though so much gayety does 
 not tend to sharpen one's faculties, unless it may be in the 
 matter of dress. The lazy languor of mornings abed, 
 when the brain still lingers in cloudy dreamland, even- 
 ings filled with music, conversation, and the pleasant noth- 
 ings that pass between well-brad and genial people. One 
 thing gave me a secret little pain ; I am almost ashamed 
 to confess it; but Mr. St. John and I drifted apart; I 
 seemed to lose the little hold I had once gained. We did 
 not quarrel ; indeed, he was considerate and polite, solicit- 
 ous for my enjoyments, and left me at the fullest liberty ; 
 as if he did not seem to care, or thought my pleasures 
 quite too frivolous for him. 
 
 I believe Mrs. Lawrence took unbounded satisfaction in 
 my dawning career. The house was thronged with vis- 
 itors, and we were besieged by invitations. I did try to 
 hold myself aloof from more meaning attentions, for the 
 triumph in such cases would not pay me for the pain, I 
 well knew.
 
 96 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 We met Hugh Graham frequently, sometimes with his 
 cousin, oftener without. I had a consciousness that he 
 took especial pleasure in these encounters. To dance 
 with me, take me to supper, or any attention where he 
 could clasp my fingers for a moment, was a delight which 
 he did not care to conceal. It made me nervous, for I 
 knew he had no right thus to display fondness for another 
 woman, and I feared it was but working unhappiness for 
 himself. He could never awaken within me the friendship 
 that had been given to Philip so spontaneously, and no 
 warmer sentiment would ever have been possible. There 
 were many pleasant traits in his character, but it possessed 
 no vital attraction for me. I was learning to make some 
 fine distinctions. 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence saw no danger. Perhaps she had too 
 much faith in her own creed to believe heresy possible. 
 One morning when we were alone, I said, 
 
 " When does Mr. Graham expect to marry his cousin ?" 
 
 " O, I suppose there's no hurry. Although she is past 
 twenty-one, she still looks a very child, and he seems fond 
 of his liberty. As they have always known each other, 
 there is no extravagant romance about the engagement." 
 
 "I wonder if they love each other!" 
 
 "As much as is necessary, I suppose; "and the placid 
 eyes just lifted themselves from a dainty bit of crochet- 
 ing. 
 
 " My dear Mrs. Lawrence, how much is necessary ? " I 
 said, with some impatience. 
 
 " Not as much as you think. They are very well matched 
 indeed, and having been brought up together, their re- 
 gard is a matter of gradual growth. She will make a quiet 
 little wife, and never annoy him by any foolish officious- 
 oess. He will keep up his house in the style of his father, 
 and lead a happy, easy, social life."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 97 
 
 " But there seems no heart in it," I said, warmly. " I 
 should like him better if he evinced a decided preference 
 for her. She is a pretty, dainty little thing, and a man 
 might well be proud of her." 
 
 " It is questionable taste to display much fondness in 
 society." 
 
 " He need not be silly about it. But I have seen hia 
 eyes light up and his whole face in a glow at some other 
 woman's coming," and then I paused, half frightened, for I 
 seemed upon the verge of an unwise confession. 
 
 " Most young men are somewhat given to flirting," she 
 said, with superb indifference. " In a case like this it 
 does no harm, for their engagement is settled, and I think 
 Mr. Graham has too much sense to give up his cousin and 
 her fortune for any foolish passion. A man is expected to 
 make himself agreeable in society, before he is married, at 
 least." 
 
 " It would never do for me," I said, with a rising flush. 
 " If a man loved me at all, I should want his entire regard. 
 I shouldn't like to see him radiant for another, and coldly 
 polite to me." 
 
 " That spirit is wonderfully becoming to your style," she 
 returned, glancing at me, for she could stop anywhere to 
 announce some grace, or special defect that she'wanted 
 remedied, just as Siebenka's wife could count the striking 
 of the clock between her husband's kisses. " Only I should 
 advise you not to try it too often with a husband. Women 
 rarely gain a point by making a desperate assault, while a 
 little skilful managing works wonders." 
 
 " I detest managing," I exclaimed. " I should be per- 
 fectly satisfied to take the truth from any one else, and I 
 must tell it." 
 
 " Experience will teach you many things," she said, " and 
 soften your asperities." 
 7
 
 98 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 Those remarks always vexed me. Did every one inva- 
 riably reach the same commonplace level in feeling? So 
 I took refuge in silence, lest I should prove unamiable. 
 
 Among the Christmas invitations was one to Mont Ar- 
 gyle. It was made doubly tempting to Mrs. Lawrence 
 from the fact that some distinguished guests had been 
 asked to meet her, and, as it were, placed it out of her 
 power to refuse. Hugh rode over with the note, and was 
 to spend the night. 
 
 " I wish we were not going," I said to Mr. St. John. 
 
 M So your enthusiastic penchant for Miss Keith has 
 ended? About the duration of a woman's fancy," and he 
 gave that light, irritating laugh. 
 
 " I like and admire Miss Keith exceedingly." 
 
 " But the whim has taken you ! I doubt if my sister 
 will consent to your staying home alone." 
 
 I wonder, if I had said my say, woman fashion, whether 
 it would have made any difference ! My delicacy did shrink 
 from parading this man's regard before other eyes. It 
 seemed like an insult to offer such attentions to me. 
 
 And yet that evening I found Hugh very gentlemanly 
 and deferential. Had I misjudged him? 
 
 As we were to remain several days, Thirza had to look 
 over the finery, and pack a trunk full. Just before wo 
 started, a letter came from Laura Hastings, enclosing wed- 
 ding cards. The missive was eminently characteristic. 
 
 " You sec," she wrote, "that, in spite of your sage coun- 
 sel and advice, I am about to take the fatal step. The 
 brown-stone mansion on Fifth Avenue, and the prospect 
 of queening it royally, have proved too much for me. I 
 am about to commit the unpardonable sin of marrying a 
 man old enough to be my father, and trust to my wisdom 
 to make a most amiable husband of him. He adores me 
 (my dear, old men are always foolish), and I have per-
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 99 
 
 euaded him to take me to Europe. He is indulgent 'and 
 not given to jealousy^ and I fancy we shall be as happy 
 as most people. Think of me in diamonds and point lace, 
 and confess your love in a cottage looks shabby by com- 
 parison." 
 
 Laura's destiny was settled, then. Mrs. Lawrence con- 
 sidered her prospects very brilliant. "Was the whole world 
 given to the worship of Mammon ? 
 
 There had been a heavy fall of snow, and our journey 
 to Mont Argyle was very delightful to me ; perhaps the 
 more so because Mr. St. John was so bright and compan- 
 ionable. When we came in sight of the place it looked 
 picturesque in the extreme. Doubtless great offences had 
 been committed against the rules of architecture, but with 
 all the points and angles hooded in snow it was a verita- 
 ble fairy palace. Great evergreens were draped in ermine, 
 clustering vines made sparkling snow wreaths, tipped with 
 whitest blossoms. It was quite a luxury, and the country 
 people were making the most of it. 
 
 As to interior, Mont Argyle looked most inviting. Cosy 
 rooms, warm and light, deep windows, little nooks and cor- 
 ners, and a fragrant perfume from the Christmas decora- 
 tions, the spicy odor brought out by contact with the heat, 
 clusters of bright berries interspersed, and vases of cut 
 flowers, giving a kind of summery suggestion. 
 
 I felt quite well acquainted with Miss Keith, from our 
 frequent meetings, and yet I hesitated a little in making 
 advances. 
 
 "lam so glad to have you here," she said, as I came 
 down stairs. I always made my toilet operations brief 
 when left to myself; and I w;:s anxious to gain a few mo- 
 ments before dinner. 
 
 "Arc you, really?" and I glanced at her pure, sweet 
 face.
 
 100 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 "Yes; I have been counting upon a visit for so long 
 since that night of the ball. What a lovely time it was ! 
 And Laurehvood is so perfect in itself! I don't blame you 
 for wanting to stay there. And then such hosts of en- 
 gagements as you must have!" 
 
 " I do live in a whirl," I said, laughingly. 
 
 " But it must be very charming to have people like you 
 so well ; though I don't know how one could help paying 
 you homage." 
 
 " So you think the royal road to my heart is flattery?" 
 
 " No ; and that isn't flattery, either. But if I could find 
 the royal road " 
 
 " Well, what would you do ? " 
 
 " Besiege the castle." 
 
 Her frank eyes touched me with their pleading light. 
 
 " It capitulates ; " and I stooped to give her the kiss I 
 had held in my heart for her a long while. 
 
 Hugh sauntered up to us, and began to talk to me. I 
 watched them both narrowly. They certainly were not in 
 love with each other. If there had ever been any flame 
 of passion, it had burned itself out. 
 
 Dinner was announced, and from that till bed-time I 
 hardly said ten words to Miss Keith ; for at the table the 
 conversation was general, and led by General Graham, who 
 proved an admirable host. Afterwards I sang a little, and 
 woke an admiring chord in the general's heart. He had 
 volumes of old ballads, and kept making selections so 
 continually, that his niece interfered. 
 
 " I am afraid we shall tire Miss Adrian ce," she said, 
 gently. 
 
 " O, no," I replied ; " music is one of my luxuries, and I 
 like to make it afford pleasure to others." 
 
 "Your singing is a part of yourself," Hugh whispered ; 
 " it is connected with my first sweet memories of you."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 101 
 
 I would not even raise ray eyes to his, but an uncom- 
 fortable flush crept over my face. 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence and Mrs. Graham settled to a harmless, 
 high-bred gossip about laces, and jewels, and silks. Mr. 
 St. John looked over a book of Italian engravings with 
 Miss Keith Ellen her name was. Their conversation 
 had a look of animation, for her eyes brightened, and a 
 faint peach-blossom tint fluttered over her face. Now and 
 then a murmur of his voice floated to me in soft delicious- 
 ness that stirred me strangely. He did admire her. 
 
 Hugh Graham and his father were stationed one upon 
 each side of me, and I studiously averted the glances that 
 annoyed me. Would no one see ? Were they all blind ? 
 Or was this harmless flirting? 
 
 " There," General Graham said, at length, " you have 
 given me a rare treat, and I will not be unreasonable. Few 
 young ladies would entertain an old man so pleasantly. 
 Ellen often sings to me ; but she is our own." 
 
 He uttered the last two words with a lingering fond- 
 ness. 
 
 " You are to come to me for music while I stay, since 
 you can compliment so prettily," I returned, with a smile ; 
 and then I ensconced myself beside Mrs. Lawrence, keep- 
 ing Hugh at bay. We retired quite early, in view of the 
 next night's dissipation. 
 
 The Christmas dinner at Mont Argyle was different from 
 most of the festivities I had shared ; a select but really 
 delightful party, with some old Scotch traits and prefer- 
 ences; an evening of dancing and other entertainments, 
 and a veritable mistletoe bough, under which there was no 
 little amusement. 
 
 I had been waltzing with Hugh perhaps a not very 
 prudent movement, when I had been rather curt and cold 
 all day ; but it was one of those events which seemed
 
 102 SYDNIE ADBIANCE, OR 
 
 quite out of my power to prevent. Being warm and tired, 
 I declared that I should dance no more, and drew my hand 
 away, with a petulant gesture. 
 
 A moment before I had seen Ellen enter the conserva- 
 tory, and, as some one called Hugh, I followed thither. 
 
 She was not there ; but I sat down on a low bench and 
 glanced out of the window at the moonlight frosty, it 
 appeared, as the snow. How strangely cold and still all 
 that great world looked in its garb of ermine. 
 
 There was a step beside me, and a form bent over, clasp- 
 ing me with unmistakable fervor. 
 
 "My darling! my darling ! " was breathed through pas- 
 sionate lips. 
 
 I tried to raise myself, but the branches caught my 
 dress. 
 
 " You must hear me now. All day you have shunned 
 me and treated me coldly, because you knew " 
 
 "Hush, Mr. Graham," I said, at last, confronting him in 
 the shady light made by the branches; " you have no right 
 to say such words to me." 
 
 " I have the right of a man who has just learned what 
 love is; who snaps the green withes that bound him, and 
 dares to think for himself. And I believe you do care. I 
 have seen the color come and go in your face. You have 
 kept outwardly tranquil because you were proud and hon- 
 orable ; but that is no longer necessary. I shall not hes- 
 itate to acknowledge my mistake mistake indeed! I 
 never knew what love was until I met you last summer j 
 and Heaven can bear me witness that I have been true to 
 that one thought." 
 
 All this had been uttered in a rapid breath a resistless 
 torrent that I could not check. 
 
 "Mr. Graham," I said, coldly, "your truth and honor a 
 due to another woman."
 
 TRYING THE WOULD. 103 
 
 *She shall no longer stand between. I will tell her this 
 very hour. If I have been weak in waiting " 
 
 "You were weakest when you loved me. Listen while 
 I say that I do not, cannot love you." 
 
 " Because you think of my cousin, and the bond between, 
 I did not know, when I drifted into that compact, that 
 the world held such a glorious woman ; that I should see 
 lier, hear her speak, clasp her soft fingers in such a tender 
 touch." 
 
 " This is a wild, unreasoning passion. It humbles me 
 to be made the recipient of it. Let me go, Mr. Graham ! " 
 
 "No; you shall not leave me until you have said one 
 little word that I am dear to you. I can wait for love, 
 1 can earn forgiveness by devotion.'* 
 
 If I had loved him, I must have yielded to that im- 
 ploring face. But instead of a simple liking, I began to 
 experience an aversion. 
 
 "Shall I call for assistance? A guest in your own 
 bouse ! " 
 
 My tones were haughty, and I believe my eyes literally 
 flashed fire. 
 
 " My dnrling, you are cruel ; " and he stood apart, with 
 folded arms. 
 
 I passed out, meeting Ellen in the hall. 
 
 " What is the matter? " she asked. " Your face is in a 
 glow, and your hands are like ice. Where have you 
 been?" 
 
 Before I could answer, some one joined us. I was glad 
 to see a movement among the guests fbr departure. We 
 returned to the drawing-room, where General Graham was 
 wishing a party good night. Mr. St. John stood by the 
 mantel, an impassible statue. There could be no going to 
 him for counsel. 
 
 I saw no more of Hugh that night, but I took Ellen up 
 to my room.
 
 104 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OK . 
 
 "What a curious mood you are in," she said, presently ; 
 "or do you always grow handsome at midnight, when 
 other people begin to fade ? For you are so brilliant, you 
 look quite uncanny." 
 
 "Ellen," I began, "are you satisfied with having me 
 here ? "Would you not be happier if we had never met?" 
 
 She looked wonderingly at me an instant, then the soft 
 eyes drooped. 
 
 "No," she said; "do not think of that. If you will 
 only let me love you. But you have such a strange, weird 
 charm that I sometimes feel almost afraid." 
 
 "How much do you love your cousin?" 
 
 After I had asked the abrupt question, I felt abashed. 
 
 " O," she said, with a little cry, " don't think of me. I 
 guessed it all long ago. Our engagement was a childish 
 affair better broken than kept. And if you can make 
 him happier " 
 
 " He has been mistaken," I returned, with a rising flush. 
 " You may feel that I have led him on but to mock him at 
 the last ; yet it is not so. J have tried to make him un- 
 derstand that his attentions were not only wrong, but dis- 
 tasteful to me. I have endeavored to lead him to think 
 of you " 
 
 "There is no reason, now," she said, almost joyfully. 
 " Do not think I shall be heart-broken." 
 
 " My dear Ellen, if you can comprehend," I exclaimed, 
 impatiently, " I do not love your cousin." 
 
 She looked blankly at me. I believe she suffered deeply 
 for his disappointment. 
 
 "Don't hate me," was my imploring petition. "If you 
 could know how honorable I have tried to be, even if these 
 black facts do stare me in the face. And I have not one 
 friend to pity or comfort." 
 
 She kissed me tenderly. I fancied there were some
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 105 
 
 tears upon her face. Yet she was not throbbing nor trem- 
 bling, as I did, in every pulse. 
 
 " Dear," she said, " it is late, and you are over excited. 
 Rest assured that I do not blame you. I had only hoped " 
 and her pale lips quivered. 
 
 " And you did not love him? Tell me that again." 
 
 " I did not love him, though I should have spent my life 
 in trying to make him happy." 
 
 There was no mistaking that calm tone. 
 
 "Ellen, do you know what love is?" 
 
 I enclosed the little face suddenly with my hands, and 
 turned it towards the light. It was a vivid crimson. 
 Ashamed of having thus rudely wrested her secret from 
 her, I let her go. We kissed again in silence, and parted. 
 I hugged to my heart the consciousness that there was 
 some real love in the world. But did it ever meet with 
 a just reward?
 
 106 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 " We twain have met, like ships upon the sea, 
 To hold an hour's converse, so short, so sweet. 
 One little hour ! And then away they speed 
 On lonely paths, through mist, and cloud, and foam, 
 Perchance to meet no more." ALEX. SMITH. 
 
 I SLEPT very little that night, and kept revolving the 
 problem of destiny in my mind. How oddly we all get 
 linked together and confused by a tangle of circumstances ! 
 Could I have done differently, and would it have been 
 best? Would Ellen have been happy in marrying her 
 cousin ? 
 
 I was still in bed when Thirza came, although the sun 
 was shining in at every window. I felt languid and ap- 
 prehensive, and wished I could be transported back to 
 Laurelwood. Instead, I must go through not only this 
 day, but one or two more, keeping my serenity undisturbed, 
 outwardly, at least. 
 
 I found Ellen waiting for me in the hall, and appreciated 
 the act of delicacy on her part. We were the last to enter 
 the breakfast-room. Hugh's color deepened as I gave him 
 a furtive glance, but, the conversation being general, all 
 awkwardness soon passed away. Our host was planning a 
 drive for the morning's enjoyment, though Mrs. Graham 
 insisted we had much better stay at home and rest. When 
 I found the general had decided to take me in his party I 
 was ready to go ; for at present I did not desire to risk 
 another interview with Hugh. But this gave me no
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 107 
 
 opportunity to see Ellen; for after lunch there Was music, 
 and a few calls, which occupied the time until dinner' 
 However, we all dispersed early in the evening. I caught 
 a glimpse of the wistful eyes following me, and said, in a 
 low tone, 
 
 "Will you come to my room, Ellen?" 
 
 " With pleasure," was the response. 
 
 So, after Thirza had brushed out my hair, I dismissed 
 her. A moment after, I answered the low tap at my door. 
 
 Ellen seated herself on the hassock, and leaned her arms 
 upon my knee. What a simple, lovely child she seemed. 
 
 " I have had a long talk with Hugh to-day," she began. 
 " We are both better satisfied to give up the engagement. 
 It will disappoint uncle sadly ; but I do think it will be 
 wiser for Hugh. I should never have been strong enough 
 to rouse his ambition or pride. It "Would have proved 
 another wasted life, idled away in ease and indolence. 
 The right chord has been touched, although "and as 
 she paused, I saw a tear glittering on her long lashes. 
 
 "I am afraid I have made a good deal of trouble for 
 you all," I returned. "I cannot tell you how much I re- 
 gret it." 
 
 "Is there no hope for Hugh ? Miss Adrianee, you don't 
 know what he is capable of. And if there was some high 
 aim to lead him on, I know he could and would strive to 
 render himself worthy of such a woman." 
 
 " My darling, you rate me too highly. I cannot even 
 solve the difficulties in my own path ; and I should be a 
 poor guide for any other human soul. Love might inspire 
 a woman; but I have not even that. We could never be 
 anything beyond the most ordinary friends." 
 
 " Then it is useless to try?" 
 
 "Is not the richest love spontaneous? Why have you 
 failed in learning to love him ? "
 
 108 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 The fair face flushed, and the eyes were downcast. 
 
 " I want to be honest with yon," she said, presently. 
 ' I f-mcied in the earlier years that I did love him. My 
 nature is quiet, and to a certain extent passive; lie was 
 stronger, and swayed me by the force of his impressions; 
 but he was young, and there was no occasion for hurrying 
 our marriage. So it has gone on. Last summer we were 
 staying at Sulphur Springs, uncle's favorite resort. I met 
 a stranger, and formed one of those transient acquaintances 
 that generally leave behind only a pleasant memory. But 
 this man had a soul that spoke to mine, moved it as noth- 
 ing else ever had, I did not dream of clanger. On the last 
 evening of his stay we walked together for an hour or two, 
 and drifted out on the swift current of love. It was told 
 in looks and a clasp of the hand, for he knew I was engaged 
 to my cousin, and he waited for a sign from me. I was 
 brave enough then to put by the tempting cup not meant 
 for my lips. Heaven knew what it cost me, but I did it. 
 And if Hugh had loved me, I should have striven hard to 
 banish that remembrance." 
 
 " Would it have been right?" 
 
 "Yes. I cannot argue, I can only understand that 
 strength and courage are meant for just these emergencies. 
 It is when one wants to do a wrong thing that one must 
 pray to be kept from temptation. My duty was here." 
 
 "And yet Hugh had failed you before that!" 
 
 " I did not know it. He talked of you ; still it is only 
 recently that I felt the bond was irksome to him." 
 
 " If you had been aware last summer " 
 
 " Don't," she said, with a sudden quiver through her 
 frame. "I acted up to the light I had. I wanted above 
 all things to do right, and I was bound by ties of affection. 
 to uncle and aunt." 
 
 " But you see Hugh didn't stop to think of what was
 
 TRYING THE WORLD, 109 
 
 right, or whether he would give you pain. What if you 
 had loved him?" 
 
 "Dear, is it wise to suffer over things that can never 
 happen ? There is enough pain in our daily lives." 
 
 " I think a man should be just as honorable, and true, and 
 brave as a woman," I said, warmly. 
 
 u I am glad to have known one man who dared to thrust 
 self behind him, who chose to suffer in silence, rather than 
 pain the woman he loved by useless persuasions, and who 
 was grand enough not to tempt her to break her word." 
 
 "Very few men are such heroes," I said, feeling the 
 bitter truth. 
 
 " But now and then one stands like a Saul above his 
 fellows. It keeps our faith in human nature from dying 
 utterly." 
 
 "And now are your souls to remain forever apart ?" I 
 asked, eagerly, 
 
 *' As God wills. If he means that I shall attain to so 
 high a bliss he will bring it to me."" 
 
 "I could never be so patient. What if Hugh should 
 return to his allegiance?" 
 
 " He never will. It is like opening the eyes of the blind." 
 
 " What strange lives we women lead," I said, impulsively, 
 *' We are flattered into thinking ourselves nearly omnipo- 
 tent, and if we cry for the moon, are told that all these 
 things are above our comprehension. Men can find a 
 proud existence in action ; they can rear a grand future. 
 Science, and art, and employment open to them golden 
 doors, while women sit at home dawdling over idle dreams, 
 their hungry lips stopped with a few trifling, flavorless 
 kisses, and then they are expected to be high-minded, 
 lofty of soul, and clear of brain. We are fed upon stones 
 or chaff." 
 
 ** I think all lives may hold in them something good and
 
 110 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 
 
 useful. "We too often disdain the common round of duties 
 in longing for some great thing." 
 
 " And you mean to take up the ' common round ' ? " 
 I said, with a half smile. " You have gone nearly through 
 the octave for women. I can't make it seem right that 
 one should suffer a good deal and enjoy a very little. I 
 shall not be content to die until I have one long, delicious 
 draught of joy." 
 
 " No fear but that it will be yours. I think you can 
 win every good gift fate has to bestow." 
 
 " And you ? Is there nothing but neutral tints left ? " 
 
 "Don't pity me with your great, sorrowful eyes, but 
 help me to be strong. I did not mean any one should 
 ever see that grave. Whether there will be a resurrection 
 morning for the buried hope, I cannot tell, but I have no 
 right to brood over it. And now, dearest friend, you 
 know all." 
 
 There was a great fire of logs blazing in the wide chim- 
 ney, and she sat between me and it. The impression that 
 I had seen her somewhere before came over me strongly 
 again. Small, dainty as a sprite, yet exquisitely human, 
 loose curls of palest brown, two or three removes from 
 flaxen, and those soft, heavenly blue eyes. What a strange, 
 dim remembrance it was! Ah and I gave a sudden 
 start, then laughed as I said, 
 
 " Did I alarm you ? " It was suddenly coming to a pause 
 in a train of thought. 
 
 "No," she replied, "but you are nervous and tired, and 
 must go to bed." 
 
 " Make a compact of friendship with me for all time," 
 I exclaimed, as she rose. " I may try you, for I'm impul- 
 sive, impatient, and unlike most people, I fancy. But I 
 want the assurance that some one loves me." 
 
 " I do, indeed." Then our lips met in the quivering radi- 
 ance of the fire glow, and she stole softly away.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. Ill 
 
 I was content to let her go. I hardly dared believe that 
 first hasty thought right, and yet she was the impersona- 
 tion of Philip Westervelt's " Ellen." I seemed to under- 
 stand the key to all his moods that had impressed me 
 vaguely at the time. He had spent part of his summer in 
 Virginia, and it was not at all improbable that they had 
 met. I could satisfy myself easily, and then why not 
 bring these two souls together without a long and weary 
 probation ? 
 
 I was convinced the next morning, when I happened to 
 mention him. It was in a conversation with Mrs. Graham, 
 and I dared to expatiate upon the delights of the pleasant 
 home that I had shared for a brief while. The fair face 
 flushed suddenly, and she listened with eager, secret atten- 
 tion, but made no mention of it afterwards. I believe I 
 liked her the better for this womanly pride and reserve. 
 
 How could I resist a little castle-building with such 
 tempting materials? 
 
 My own trials were not yet over. Hugh sought me, and 
 insisted that I should listen once more to the tale he had. 
 to tell. I felt that it would be better to end the matter 
 positively, and yet I own his devotion did touch me to the 
 heart's core. He was willing to wait, anxious to undertake 
 any task that would render him more worthy or raise him 
 in my estimation. Any hope, however distant. 
 
 I could not make him understand how absolutely hope- 
 less the case was. If I refused him love, he begged for 
 friendship a doubly dangerous boon. Exhorting him to 
 a more stirring and manly life roused anew his passion. I 
 could have cried from very despair. 
 
 " Hugh," I said at length, " you will make me hate the 
 day on which I first saw you. It is black enough now." 
 
 " A day of days to me," he answered, sorrowfully. 
 
 Ellen promised me a speedy visit, and the rest were
 
 112 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 warm in their demonstrations of regard. But I was glad 
 when we were leaving Mont Argyle behind in the dis- 
 tance. 
 
 I was afraid Mr. St. John suspected that matters were 
 not in the most tranquil state. He was a little sharp and 
 cynical for several days, but we settled to our olden life, 
 and I was beginning to breathe comfortably, when one 
 morning we were surprised by a call from General Graham. 
 He had brought Ellen, but that was not his real errand, for 
 he was in the library a long while with Mr. St. John. 
 Ellen purposed remaining a week, so I carried her off in 
 triumph, although I trembled for my plans. I intended 
 that Philip should be here when she came. 
 
 Mr. St. John sent for me after General Graham had 
 gone. Something in his eyes warned me of danger. 
 
 " I have a proposal of marriage for you," he announced, 
 in a biting tone, veiling his displeasure with a peculiar 
 suavity of manner. 
 
 I colored violently, and felt that I hated Hugh for his 
 pertinacity. 
 
 " As your guardian it is my duty to lay it before you," 
 he said, with lofty courtesy. 
 
 " It was made and answered a fortnight ago," I re- 
 turned, angrily. 
 
 " May I ask if you accepted ? " 
 
 He must have known, but his face was imperturbably 
 calm. 
 
 " I did not." 
 
 " Ah. It seems that Mr. Hugh Graham, lured from his 
 allegiance to his cousin by a more powerful attraction, has 
 broken his engagement on the strength of some en- 
 couragement." 
 
 "It is untrue!" I exclaimed, indignantly. "I never 
 gave him the slightest hope."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 113 
 
 " A man should be wise enough to distinguish, but since 
 women think it no sin to display false lights as it suits a 
 whim or pleasure, we must have a little pity for the 
 unwary." 
 
 There was a fine irony in his tones that exasperated me. 
 
 " You are unjust, Mr. St. John," I said ; " I may have been 
 unwise last summer because I was ignorant, but since then, 
 I have been most guarded towards Mr. Graham. I can 
 only say that I am sorry he should have considered it 
 necessary to make any application to you. And if he 
 were to ask me every day, my answer would remain the 
 same." 
 
 " Then you decline the honor ? " He uttered this with 
 the most profound indifference. 
 
 "Should you advise me to accept? Will a man who 
 fails in his first faith be one of the prizes in life's lottery?" 
 
 There was a little quiver of the eyelids, and the faintest 
 color rising in his cheeks. 
 
 "Remember the temptation," he said, ignoring my 
 question. 
 
 " Since men are so weak, perhaps strict seclusion would 
 be better for women. They do not like to be held answer- 
 able for the faults of others." 
 
 "Miss Adriance, what woman would be willing to thus 
 martyr herself?" and he gave a scornful little laugh. 
 
 "Well," 1 returned, roused to resistance, "if they choose 
 to dare the flame, let them pay the penalty. My con- 
 science acquits me." 
 
 "A fashionable woman's conscience is a convenient 
 article." 
 
 If one could only sting him, give him back pain for pain ! 
 but I believe the man is invulnerable. 
 
 u If you will please inform Mr. Graham that a marriage 
 between us is quite impossible, and that I wish to hear 
 8
 
 114 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 nothing further on the subject, I shall be obliged," I said, 
 sweeping loftily from the room. 
 
 From Ellen I learned the state of affairs at Mont Ar- 
 gyle. Hugh had taken upon himself the whole blame, and 
 confessed that his love for me would henceforth be the 
 ruling passion of his life. He had begged his father to 
 intercede for him, thinking Mr. St. John might have some 
 Bovver over me. If he had, he was certainly chary of using 
 it. She pleaded with her eyes and her low, faltering voice, 
 but uttered no entreaty. 
 
 Before I retired that night I wrote a little note to Philip, 
 telling him that I was unhappy, and desired to see him, 
 which was true, for I did not wish to wound the delicacy 
 of either. It was a mere chance whether he would get it 
 and be able to come in time, but I resolved to risk it. 
 
 Then we had some quiet, pleasant days, in spite of a 
 few small annoyances. Mr. St. John was a delightful at- 
 tendant when we were together, but if I chanced upon 
 him alone, he made me feel there was a gulf between us 
 that had not been satisfactorily bridged over; as if in 
 some way I had mortally offended him. Did he think I 
 ought to have told him before ? He surely was not a man 
 to invite confidence. 
 
 Perhaps I wrong him there. Ellen thinks him the in- 
 carnation of manly goodness and nobility. She never 
 wearies of talking about him. Once I said, "Is he at 
 all like your hero?" and she answered, 
 
 " He seems different from all other men. I believe a 
 woman would be afraid to love him. My hero, as YOU call 
 him, is more intensely human." 
 
 Would a woman be afraid ? I once fancied 
 
 No matter. I know now that it was a mistake. 
 
 I waited in nervous anticipation for Philip. One even- 
 ing he dropped in upon us, to the surprise of Mr. St. John.
 
 TEYING THE WORLD. 115 
 
 I had asked him to keep my secret, and he did it excel- 
 lently. There was a momentary confusion in welcoming 
 him, and then Miss Keith was introduced. She was pale 
 as a lily, and kept in the shade of Mrs. Lawrence's flowing 
 robes, but the hand she extended trembled visibly to watch- 
 ful eyes. 
 
 " This is an unexpected pleasure," Philip exclaimed. 
 "Miss Keith and I are old friends." 
 
 "I did not know that," and St. John looked puzzled. 
 
 "We met last summer at Sulphur Springs." Then he 
 paused and turned away, as if moved by a sudden con- 
 sciousness. She was silent, too, and presently went to the 
 table and took up a book she had been reading. 
 
 I did not design to have him remain long in doubt ; 
 but nothing ever happens as one plans it. Mr. St. John 
 kept him engrossed the whole evening. I couLl absolutely 
 have cried with vexation. 
 
 But I came down early the next morning, and found 
 him in the library. The happy face was grave and clouded, 
 but he smiled at my entrance. A few commonplaces passed 
 between us. 
 
 "You don't look as if you had been very deeply trou- 
 bled," he began. "If it would not sound like flattery, I 
 should feel tempted to tell you wh:it I think." 
 
 I held up my hands dcprecatingly, and said, 
 
 "I have found beauty a rather perilous dower." 
 
 "So soon?" 
 
 " Don't laugh at me. Be kind and tender and impar- 
 tial, and help me to decide whether I have committed a 
 great crime or not; for I do need a friend." 
 
 "My best is at your service, as you well know." 
 
 I told him the story of Hugh Graham's ill-fated passion, 
 and could hardly repress my delight at the interest he 
 displayed, all the deeper for another woman's sake; yet I
 
 116 8YDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 had no selfish feeling about it. And then I spoke of Mr. 
 St. John's comments. 
 
 "I do not see where you were to blame," he said, with 
 sweet seriousness. " But I am sorry you and St. John 
 disagree. Since you cannot help being beautiful, I sup- 
 pose we must pity your misfortunes. And it has been 
 productive of some good, for it will save two people from, 
 an ill-assorted, loveless marriage, and give to another 
 Sydnie, I must tell you. I met Ellen Keith, and loved her 
 unwittingly. If I had known all then, I might have 
 spoken ; but I believed I had no right. To hear that she 
 is free free," and he lingered softly over the word. " Yet 
 how cold and shy she was last night." 
 
 " She would not flaunt her love in any man's face," I 
 said, warmly. 
 
 " No. She is purity and delicacy itself; and heroic, 
 too. Last summer she put away the tempting cup with 
 firm hand. God only could know the anguish of her soul. 
 It shall be repaid a thousand fold. So you see I cannot 
 blame you." 
 
 The others were in the hall, and we went to breakfast. 
 Ellen was pale, as if she had scarcely slept. Mr. St. John 
 remarked it. 
 
 " You are losing your roses," he said, with kindly so- 
 licitude. "As the morning promises to be fine, I think 
 we must have a brisk canter over the hills. You will not 
 mind the cold." 
 
 Her eyes brightened at that. 
 
 " It will be different from the lazy rides we used to have 
 when you were in Now York," Philip said to me. " I sec- 
 ond the proposal with all my heart." 
 
 We waited until the sun was making rapid strides in 
 the blue arch overhead. It was a really delightful winter 
 day, with a crisp but not unpleasant air. Mr. St. John
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 117 
 
 tacitly gave Philip his choice of a companion, and I fell to 
 his share. 
 
 We had some odd, sharp skirmishing. I was in a 
 splendid humor, too happy to be irritated by anything he 
 could say. And somewhere on the road Ellen found her 
 roses. 
 
 I fancied that Mr. St. John suspected Philip's penchant. 
 They were left a good deal to themselves the remainder 
 of the day and evening. Ellen ran into my room the 
 last thing at night, blushing and happy, yet timid as a 
 fawn. 
 
 "And so the prince won the princess?"! exclaimed, 
 laughingly. 
 
 "O, Syclnie! did you guess?" and the sweet face was 
 pressed against mine. 
 
 " At Christmas, darling. Philip had unwittingly betrayed 
 his part of the secret before. And, since I had made one 
 miserable, I longed to bring the other to happiness. Don't 
 blush so pitifully, little white daisy, and keep my secret 
 from Philip until your wedding day." 
 
 " I wonder if it is wrong to be so happy?" 
 
 " Wrong, child ? What are you dreaming of? When 
 God brings the love of a brave, sweet, generous heart to 
 you, would it not be ungrateful to mope and sadden over 
 it? I love Philip so well that I shall be jealous if you 
 don't give him every atom of your soul." 
 
 " Poor Hugh ! " She uttered the words with a soft 
 sigh. 
 
 " Hugh isn't to be compared to Philip. I'm glad some 
 one has come out right, for I began to fancy the world was 
 in quite a jumble, every man and woman going the wrong 
 way. What shall I wish for you, sweet ? " 
 
 " You have given me everything. Do you know I never 
 blamed Hugh for loving you ? I could not help it myself; 
 and Philip says "
 
 118 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 " No treason from Philip. I'm glad you are not jealous, 
 and love to hear his praises. Mamma Westervelt dotes 
 on him. Now to bed, lest your castle disappears." 
 
 She kissed me, and went away. Hitherto I had lived 
 much within myself; but now that I had admitted guests, 
 and given a feast, my sympathies widened, and joy became 
 a tangible thing. 
 
 How very happy they would be! She would suit Philip 
 so perfectly; and his great, manful soul would give her a 
 worship that but few women ever gain. I thought of 
 Laura and her golden fetters, a mockery on marriage. 
 Henceforward I should have some faith. 
 
 Ellen had arranged to return to Mont Argyle on the fol- 
 lowing morning. Mr. St. John was to accompany her, and 
 he extended an invitation to Philip, who was to go on to 
 Washington afterwards. 
 
 "I've hardly been civil to you," he said, as we stood wait- 
 ing in the reception room for Ellen to comedown. "I 
 have left a host of things yet unsaid. Are you working 
 out your own life problem satisfactorily?" 
 
 " Pray, do not demand too much of me," I said, gayly ; 
 " I have been studying ball-room philosophy." 
 
 " You have a brain for better things." 
 
 " Does it matter much ? One day follows another in 
 purposeless confusion, and thus they go." 
 
 "Pursuing shadows. Will you recognize the great 
 truths of life when you come to them ? For if you passed 
 them by and took the shadows, you would make an irre- 
 mediable wreck." 
 
 " Do you see that in my face ? Are we not sufficiently 
 friends for you to redeem your promise?" 
 
 He thought a moment, giving me a peculiar, scrutinizing 
 glance. 
 
 " Yes," he rejoined ; and if I vex, you must be merciful
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 119 
 
 and forgive. You have a strong, sweet, but haughty na- 
 ture, intolerant of restraint, impatient, singularly reserved 
 at times. Many people go through life scarcely taking a 
 lasting impression, because all feelings are so easily effaced. 
 It will not be so with you. You have an ardent tempera- 
 ment, tropical fire and passion in your veins; but you are 
 proud to the last degree, and would endure what might 
 kill another woman. With your affluent nature and mani- 
 fold charms, there will be much temptation to use your 
 power; but O, be careful. When you love " 
 
 " What then ? " for he made a long pause. 
 
 " I could almost pity the man you will love. You haven't 
 much faith; you will try him sorely at times. Heaven 
 grant that he may not be too weak for his destiny." 
 
 "Not very flattering, I must confess." 
 
 " But I do give you credit for power beyond what most 
 women possess. You absorb all impressions rapidly, and 
 therein lies the greater danger. You will the sooner ex- 
 haust pleasures and enjoyments, and then must cornc con- 
 tinual restlessness or discontented stagnation. It is a 
 strange, daring, yet delightful nature to rule. If I could 
 place you in the hands of a strong, patient, generous 
 friend " 
 
 " I think I shall prove sufficient for myself. I suppose I 
 shall presently come to the level of other women." 
 
 " Heaven forbid ! " he said, earnestly. 
 
 " Peculiar people are always a trial," I returned, with 
 gome feeling. 
 
 " You must learn not to be a trial. My dear friend, the 
 grace of a patient spirit is worth striving for." 
 
 "I am not patient; I never could be." 
 
 " On the contrary, you can be. There, I have sermon- 
 ized you and teased you, but I want you to know that no
 
 120 SYDNIE ADPJANCE, OR 
 
 brother would ever be more ready to defend you than I. 
 It is because I see great possibilities that I tremble." 
 
 There were steps in the hall, and tender fore wells. Mr. 
 St. John glanced back once, questioning me with his eyes, 
 all aglow with bewildering lights.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 121 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 " The good want power, but to weep barren tears , 
 The powerful goodness want, worse need for them ; 
 The wise want love, and those who love want wisdom, 
 And all best things are thus confused to ill." SHELLET. 
 
 AFTER Philip and Ellen had gone, we settled into com- 
 parative quiet. Holiday festivities were over, and we had 
 been so gay that it was good to have a little rest. At 
 least it seemed rest not to have more than one or two 
 balls or dinner-parties where we had counted them by 
 dozens. Mrs. Lawrence was lovely and placid as ever; 
 Mr. St. John changeable and puzzling, I knew he was glad 
 to have his friend happy, and yet he appeared to hold a 
 curious grudge against me on Hugh Graham's account. I 
 could not seem to learn what course would have met with 
 his approbation. I confess I did sometimes enjoy ruffling 
 his lordly plumes. If other people found me entertaining 
 and thought me handsome, why should I not bask in the 
 golden sunshine of youth and pleasure ? 
 
 Ellen wrote to me that their aflairs had been brought to 
 a satisfactory conclusion. Hugh was going to Scotland to 
 visit some relatives, and her engagement was approved of 
 by her aunt and uncle. The only trouble now would be 
 leaving them. Philip was anxious for a speedy marriage, 
 but she meant to wait until another fall, at least. They 
 had been acquainted but such a little while; and, some- 
 how, she dreaded to make so important a change. I be- 
 lieve she would actually have given up her happiness, even
 
 122 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 then ; and I was glad that Philip possessed jnst the kind 
 of frank, resolute nature to sway hers. He h:\d such a 
 cheerful fashion of finding his way through difficulties. 
 Doubting Castle would not long be an abode for him. 
 
 And so the spring came to us: long, lovely days, 
 touched with faint fragrance, murmurous winds chanting 
 ballads from orient shores, and that tender suggestiveness 
 the world always presents when waking from its long 
 sleep ; hardy blossoms, nodding .in early beauty, budding 
 trees, and birds twittering softly, or cleaving the air with 
 their swift, glittering wings. 
 
 One day I received au e-pistle from the only schoolmate 
 I had really loved, though we had not been very fervent 
 correspondents. She reminded me of a promised visit, 
 and begged its fulfilment now, as she was about to be mar- 
 ried. If I would only be her bridesmaid ! There were 
 several reasons why she wished this; and in any event, 
 she must have the visit. Did I remember our long talks 
 at school, which had been the wonder of the other girls? 
 She had never found just such a friend, and longed for 
 me more than she could express. 
 
 Something in the letter roused my curiosity. No tender 
 mention of her betrothed, no girlish hopes nor fears, not 
 even hesitation. I cannot tell why, but I had always fan- 
 cied Anne Sutherland one of the girls who w r ould never 
 marry. Not that she was unattractive or in any degree 
 morbid, and she certainly was worthy of a happy destiny. 
 Had she gained the prize? 
 
 I went to consult Mrs. Lawrence. The fact of the Suth- 
 erlands living in an aristocratic part of the city won an 
 amiable hearing for Anne, yet I believe she would rather 
 it had not happened. 
 
 " Really," she said, with her sweet, half-indifferent smile, 
 " you seem to be the centre of romance. Promise that you 
 will not commit any folly yourself."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 123 
 
 "The girls at school used to call Anne and myself * old 
 maids,'" I returned, laughingly. "I think I am in no 
 great danger." 
 
 " O, I expect you to marry some time. Only it is well 
 to exercise a little judgment." 
 
 " Which means, that I am not to fall in love with a poor 
 man ! " 
 
 " You still seem to consider the love a necessity;" and 
 her tones were as cold and as near to sarcasm as hers ever 
 came. 
 
 " It is to me. I could never content myself with gilded 
 shams ; feast my material senses while my soul starved. I 
 must have something real." 
 
 " My dear Sydnie, your feelings are too strong. Many 
 of the so-called love-marriages are extremely unsatisfac- 
 tory. Do not wreck your all on this fluttering phantom. 
 It is as likely to be a sham as some of those things you 
 protest against so vehemently." 
 
 " At least, Philip and Ellen found it," I said triumph- 
 antly. 
 
 " Yet, you see, they were not governed simply by fancy." 
 
 "Do you suppose," I said, warmly, "that Philip consid- 
 ered whether Ellen was rich or poor? She might have 
 been altogether dependent upon her uncle, for aught he 
 knew ; or he might have had nothing besides his health 
 and energy." 
 
 " Society is a kind of protection and voucher for these 
 things. If one pays heed to its wise restrictions, one will 
 never go very for astray"." 
 
 Her dignified tone and air of superior wisdom amused 
 me. 
 
 "Mrs. Lawrence, did you never experience any tempta- 
 tion to love ? " I nsked. 
 
 "My mother committed that folly. She chose to be
 
 124 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 disinherited for the sake of the man she married. My 
 grandfather overlooked it far enough to adopt Stuart. The 
 other children, except myself, died young. I do not think 
 my home was particularly happy; and when Mr. Law- 
 rence, a wealthy West India merchant, made me a propo- 
 sal of marriage, I accepted it, with no regret, though he 
 was forty and I but sixteen. He was proud of my beauty, 
 kind and indulgent ; and we lived together most comfort- 
 ably." 
 
 Certainly she was neither faded nor worn. No trials 
 or cares had dimmed the fair face. But could I endure 
 such a life ? The volcano at the bottom of my soul would 
 find vent and scatter widespread desolation. 
 
 I took her pleasant cautions and advice in good part, 
 and decided to go at the earliest date Anne mentioned, 
 which would give me a fortnight still at Laurelwood. 
 
 Mr. St. John was very unreasonable and captious about 
 it. Our winter calm was breaking up into a March tor- 
 rent. He sneered at love as a school-girl's folly, and 
 seemed to delight in vexing me when no one was by. 
 
 " You'll come back with your head so full of romance 
 that we shall seem dismally tame and prosaic people to 
 you," he said. 
 
 " I haven't complained of the tameness yet. On the 
 contrary, Laurelwood has been very gay, to my thinking; 
 more so than it will be with the Sutherlands. Judging 
 from my friend, they are a quiet household." 
 
 " I have not been quite correct in my selection of a word, 
 perhaps. It was not exactly amusement that I meant. 
 You and your friend will be up in the seventh heaven of 
 rhapsody when you come to renew the vows made in your 
 moonlight walks. I wonder she has not occupied more 
 of your attention, Miss Adriancc." 
 
 " We never made vows," I retorted, angrily. " You 
 draw too largely upon your imagination."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 125 
 
 " Could any school-girl pass through such an ordeal un- 
 fettered ? You surprise me more and more." 
 
 He lifted his level eyebrows with an incredulous expres- 
 sion that roused me to a white heat. 
 
 " If you had been a woman, you would not misjudge us 
 so abominably. Since you are incapable of forming a true 
 estimate of women's regard for each other " 
 
 " It is a pity," he interrupted, with his mocking smile. 
 "I should have made you so much more desirable a com- 
 panion, as I could then have understood all these little 
 feminine virtues we men are so apt to consider absurdities." 
 
 ."Doubtless the sex would receive a charming addition. 
 Personally I am not in want of companions." 
 
 There was a pause, and I began to congratulate myself 
 inwardly. He turned as if to leave me, then said, in that 
 imperturbable manner, and a low, cutting tone, 
 
 " I am fully aware that friendship can do nothing for 
 Miss Ad nance." 
 
 " Not unless it brought those within my range who could 
 be kind and courteous without considering it derogatory 
 to their manhood," I retorted, bitterly. 
 
 " You have been most unfortunate, we will admit. Youth 
 is not always the wisest season of life." 
 
 " It is owing to circumstances, not choice." I was angry 
 enough to say anything. 
 
 " Allow me to congratulate you that events are likely to 
 place you among more congenial companions. You have 
 my best wishes;" and, with a haughty bow, he sauntered 
 through the hall. 
 
 I believe he takes delight in annoying me, making 
 me the target for his satirical shafts. If I did not know 
 that he could be gracious and tender. I could the more 
 easily forgive him. And then why does he sometimes take 
 such pains to please me ? He is a mystery, a book wherein
 
 126 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 the reader no sooner fancies he understands one page be- 
 fore the leaf flies over and leaves him astonished at the 
 change : the attractive and the renellent forces are so 
 
 O * 
 
 great in him, and he affects those with whom he comes in 
 contact so differently. There are times when I positively 
 hate him; then again I am drawn to him by a power that 
 I cannot resist, and find him all gentleness. If he would 
 always be thus ! 
 
 The morning of my departure he met me coming down 
 the stairs, and paused in the hall. 
 
 " You will return in a radiant mood, doubtless. Believe 
 that I shall take great interest in watching for the day." 
 
 "I am not given to sudden or wonderful changes of tem- 
 perament," I said, curtly. 
 
 " Only of temper? 
 
 "As you like." 
 
 I would have passed him then, but he turned and crossed 
 the hall with me. 
 
 " I've proved your stability, I think. At all events, come 
 back good-humored. I have almost forgotten how you 
 look when you smile." 
 
 " It can be of little consequence, then." 
 
 I kept my eyes on the marble tiles, and would not 
 glance up. 
 
 " One likes to live in peace and chanty with all men and 
 some women." 
 
 That soft, peculiar sound in his voice ! It sped through 
 my nerves, but I would not allow it to move me out- 
 wardly. 
 
 "How cruel you are! At least, let us part friends;" 
 and he held out his hand. The deep eyes radiated crys- 
 tals of light for now I could not keep them from meeting 
 mine. 
 
 It was my turn, however; and, coolly ignoring the
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 127 
 
 power that I was aware I could contest only for a moment 
 or two, I said, 
 
 " I did not know we were enemies. I have not been 
 considering the subject." 
 
 His face gloomed over with a strange expression. I 
 could not understand whether he was pained or angry, and 
 must have yielded in another instant, but Mrs. Lawrence 
 came fluttering down, heralded by the scent of some rare 
 perfume. She was to accompany me to the station, 
 
 " Good by," Mr. St. John said, with gay carelessness. " I 
 dare say you will be a convert to matrimony when you 
 return." 
 
 I glanced back once after we were in the carriage. He 
 was leaning against one of the fluted columns, twining a 
 slender creeper over a trellis. There was a look of pride- 
 ful longing and melancholy in the face, that haunted me 
 for hours afterwards. 
 
 My journey was both rapid and comfortable; though* 
 having no companion, I found plenty of time to speculate 
 upon my friend. We had been room mates, and drawn 
 together by similar tastes and feeling. The clique headed 
 by Laura Hastings never had possessed any attractions 
 for her; indeed, she was a thoughtful, studious girl, with 
 that rare self-reliance that kept her from exacting much 
 from those with whom she was brought in contact. Neat, 
 orderly, and quiet, I found her really delightful for con- 
 stant company. 
 
 Her mother had been an invalid many years. And 
 Anne's ambition, it appeared to me, was to render herself 
 capable of supplying her mother's place as far as possible. 
 She had talked of the children and their domestic menage 
 until I seemed to know them all, and experienced none 
 of the awkwardness of going among strangers. But why 
 she should have decided to marry so suddenly, and why
 
 128 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 she had made no mention of a lover in her previous let- 
 ters, puzzled me not a little. 
 
 It was late at night when I arrived at Baltimore. Anne 
 and her father came for me. Mr. Sutherland was one of 
 those tall, quiet, aristocratic-looking men that carry gener- 
 ations of refinement in their faces. He gave me a cordial, 
 high-bred welcome, and proved himself no less a gentle- 
 man than Mr. St. John, except that he was more formal. 
 Anne resembled him in many respects. She, too, was 
 tall, slender, and fair. Animation always rendered her 
 pretty ; but ordinarily she was too grave. It seemed to 
 me that daily duties and events only touched the outer 
 surface of her soul, and that the fire deep within had never 
 been kindled. 
 
 I knew by her bright smile how glad she was to see 
 me. She questioned me a little about my life, and how I 
 had enjoyed it since our parting at school ; spoke of Laura, 
 and two or three others. 
 
 " It seems a century since then," she remarked, slowly. 
 
 I longed to ask about herself, but delicacy withheld me. 
 There would be time enough for all explanations. 
 
 "Mamma and the children have retired," she said, half 
 in apology, "so you will not be able to make their acquaint- 
 ance until to-morrow ; and I know you must be weary, 
 so you shall have a cup of tea and then go to your room. 
 Mamma left strict injunctions that you should not be kept 
 up a moment longer than was necessary." 
 
 Her voice was soft and cheerful ; and I could guess noth- 
 ing from the calm face. Patience, I said to myself; but 
 as I gave her a good-night kiss, I held her in a tender and 
 reassuring clasp. 
 
 "You have forgotten nothing," she exclaimed, with a 
 sudden impulse. " I was almost afraid I should find my 
 friend changed."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 129 
 
 tt Not to you," I responded. 
 
 I soon fell asleep, and it was late when I rose the next 
 morning. I gave a thought to Laurelwood and its in- 
 mates, and missed Thirza's swift fingers. Anne soon 
 made her appearance, charmingly neat in a morning dress 
 of French cambric. The house was astir with children's 
 flying footsteps and pleasant voices rather new sounds 
 to me, 
 
 Mrs. Sutherland awaited us in the breakfast-room ; she, 
 too, was very lair, but small and fragile looking. A sweet, 
 patient face, bearing traces of much suffering, but not 
 peevish or melancholy. Walter, four years younger than 
 Anne, inherited this slender constitution, blond, blue-veined 
 complexion, drooping eyes, nervous, susceptible tempera- 
 ment, and was subject to a spinal malady that would inca- 
 pacitate him for the severe struggles of life : four younger 
 oes, healthy, frolicsome children, to whom Anne was a 
 second mother. She appeared to comprehend their wants 
 at a glance, and her quiet ministry subdued and harmo- 
 nized them completely. It was indeed a happy group. 
 
 When the children were despatched to school, and 
 Anne's household tasks completed, we found ourselves at 
 last together in the cosy sitting-room. Mr. Sutherland 
 went to his business early in the morning, and did not 
 return until the late dinner hour. We were not likely to 
 be interrupted for some time. 
 
 " Anne," I began, " I an\ all impatience to hear about 
 the lover whose fascinations have proved sufficiently potent 
 to win you from this home. Take a little pity upon me." 
 
 " There is no romance about it," she returned, slowly. 
 " It is to be jxist a plain, unpretending, matter-of-fact mar- 
 riage." 
 
 " And the love ? I must confess to you that I have de- 
 veloped an insatiable thirst for love matters." 
 9
 
 130 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 She turned her eyes away absently. " He has loved me 
 for years," she said, " and is content to take me, trusting 
 to the future." 
 
 " Then you don't love him ? " There was a good deal 
 of disappointment in my tone. 
 
 " Yes," she replied ; " I think I do love him ; only it isn't 
 the passion that girls talk about. He is noble, generous, 
 thoroughly good and trustworthy, but a quiet man, like 
 papa. Some people may feel deeply, yet never put it into 
 words." 
 
 " I like the outward sign as well," I said, with a smile. 
 " But how reticent you were at school ! I don't seem to 
 understand you at all, and I used to fancy that I did. I 
 am sure you left this marriage quite out of your plans." 
 
 She flushed warmly as she answered, 
 
 " We have been engaged since Christmas, only. Before 
 that I never dreamed Will it tire you if I tell you the 
 Btory?" 
 
 " Tire me ! I am wild to hear it ; and I suspect there 
 is considerable romance about it after all." 
 
 It was a moment or two before she began, but her voice 
 was clear and smooth, and she evinced no agitation. 
 
 "Papa and Mr. Otis have been friends a long while. 
 Two years ago last summer, just before I went to Madame 
 
 W 's and met you at school, he used to be here a 
 
 good deal, though I was shy and took very little notice 
 of him. Papa was making ^ome new business arrange- 
 ments, into which Mr. Otis put considerable money. He 
 was going to Europe, and, having a large fortune, needed 
 to use but a small part of it. For a while papa was 
 very successful. Last fall he met with some heavy losses. 
 Business was exceedingly dull, and as it went on into win- 
 ter he grew alarmed. At this juncture Mr. Otis returned. 
 
 " Papa had said nothing until then, for he did not want
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 131 
 
 to distress poor mamma. Indeed, he told me first. He 
 bad barely enough to meet all his liabilities if he gave 
 .up then; but it was sacrificing everything this house, 
 to which mamma had come as a bride, all our little luxu- 
 ries, our servants, our hopes of the future for papa had 
 contemplated giving Walter an art education, as he evinces 
 a great genius for it. I felt stunned at the prospect. For 
 myself, I could have borne poverty and toil ; but when I 
 thought of the rest, my heart grew heavy within me. I 
 knew papa had a fine, honorable pride, that could not en- 
 dure a suspicion of wrong dealing, and that, hard as it 
 was, he would rather give up all than go on involving him- 
 self. So he announced his misfortunes to mamma. We 
 had a sad, sad time, I assure you. I tried to comfort them 
 both, and planned for the new life, how I could take charge 
 of the house and the education of the younger children. 
 I was really glad to devCte my life to them. 
 
 " One day papa came home looking so bright and re- 
 lieved that I uttered an involuntary cry of joy, and begged 
 him to tell me what had occurred. One of those marvel- 
 lous incidents that happen to some people, and sound 
 like a fairy tale. He had gone to Air. Otis and laid a 
 plain statement of the case before him, explaining what 
 he purposed to do ; and, upon looking into the business, 
 Mr. Otis concluded to advance the necessary capital to 
 place everything in good working order, and become a 
 partner. He would not even listen to papa's idea of 
 mortgaging the house. And so we had but a fortnight 
 of sorrow after all, and no change would be necessary. 
 Then Mr. Otis came to visit us. Walter took an extrav- 
 agant fancy to him ; he had brought such hosts of curi- 
 osities home with him, and seen nearly everything of note. 
 His rooms were a perfect study : Walter used to spend- 
 all his leisure time there ; and Mr. Otis insisted that it was
 
 132 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 time for him to begin his true education for he means 
 to be an artist ; but with his health it will be slow work." 
 
 She made quite a pause. 
 
 "Well," I said, "and then he fell in love. Anne, I 
 am quite interested in your hero. And you fancied that 
 you must marry him." 
 
 " I like to hear him talk: his pleasant voice sounds like 
 a stream flowing through grassy meadows. Do you re- 
 member how the girls at school used to discuss spiritual 
 influences, positives and negatives, natures that attracted 
 and swayed, and others that were impressed and yielded ? 
 Here was a mysterious agency for me. Mr. Otis seldom 
 conversed with me, yet I felt that he always wanted me to 
 be present. I could tell when his eyes were following me. 
 I had an intuitive perception of the kind of music he liked, 
 the flowers and books he was fond of; in short, I could 
 not rid myself of an impression that some irresistible 
 power was linking us together. And when papa told me 
 he had proposed for me, I scarcely felt surprised." 
 
 " You should have summoned all your strength to resist," 
 I said, suddenly. 
 
 "I don't know that I wanted to. I felt that papa was 
 pleased, and expected me to marry him. Mamma thought 
 him tender, generous, and loyal hearted ; and when he told 
 me that since he first knew rne I had hardly been out of 
 his mind, and that on his return, if he had found me gay, 
 and drinking eagerly of pleasure's cup, he should never 
 have had the courage to speak, my heart went out to him. 
 strangely. His had been a lonely life, with no near rela- 
 tives ; and he is not the kind of man to make friends readily. 
 I understood that this would be the one love of his 
 soul, and, somehow, I couldn't blight it. But I told him 
 that I did not believe I was really in love. He turned to 
 me quickly, his face pale, his eyes filled with apprehension,
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 133 
 
 and asked me if there was any one I fancied or liked bet- 
 ter. Though he meant to devote his life to making me 
 
 O *-' 
 
 happy, he would not have me sacrifice ^ven a thought." 
 
 I looked at her steadily. A faint color wandered over 
 her face, but the brightness and hope that should have 
 been its glory were not there. 
 
 " Well ? " I questioned. 
 
 " There was no one in whom I had as much confidence, 
 no one for whom I cared specially. Of course we always 
 have friends, but friends are not lovers." 
 
 She turned away, though her tones were very distinct 
 and untrembling. 
 
 " I don't like it," I exclaimed, impulsively. " It is almost 
 as if Mr. Otis bought you." ' 
 
 "No, Sydnie; don't say that. I was quite free. Ho 
 made me understand that in a most delicate fashion." 
 
 "Are you f/lad to marry him?" 
 
 "I never thought of marrying any one. I used to plan 
 to stay here with mamma, and watch the others growing 
 up. The idea was so new to me that I hesitated a little." 
 
 I remembered Ellen, and her sweet, delicious hopes. 
 This was but a paltvy imitation. 
 
 " Anne," I said, " you are cheating your own soul. When 
 it is too late you will awake to the truth. You don't love 
 Mr. Otis at all. Gratitude and pity have swayed you." 
 
 "And yet I like to think of depending upon him. He 
 gives me such a sense of rest and security. I fancy that 
 I must be different from other women. Those wonderful, 
 extravagant loves frighten me: I seem to shrink from 
 them. Something quiet and grave suits me best. And 
 then " taking up the thread of her story as if we had 
 not made this digression " we glided into an engagement. 
 It did not appear a bit strange to me. Papa, mamma, and 
 Walter were delighted. Mr. Otis bought a house only a
 
 134 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 little distance from this, and we are to go to housekeeping 
 immediately. The engagement has been short, but I think 
 it quite as well. I .am nervous, and want it all over. I 
 fancied it would be so pleasant to have you to help me 
 select furniture, dresses, and all that, for mamma can go 
 out so little." 
 
 " I wish you had not made this engagement. Suppose, 
 instead, I help you to break it?" 
 
 " No." She turned suddenly pale. " I believe I am 
 right. I mean to go on." Then, in a changed tone, "You 
 see now, dear, why I have not written about it. I could 
 not have explained all." 
 
 " I don't wonder, surely. When can I see Mr. Otis ? I 
 shall make up my mind then whether it is best to forbid 
 the banns or not." 
 
 " He is in every day or evening. I think he is rather 
 nervous and shy before strangers ; but it soon wears off. 
 I want you to like him. And, Sydnie, please don't talk 
 this way before mamma; she believes that I am going to 
 be very happy." 
 
 " And I know you are not : is that it ? " 
 
 " No, you don't ; you can't know what is alone in God's 
 keeping." 
 
 She uttered this with a curious, latent energy. Just then 
 we were called to lunch. 
 
 . I sat at the table, revolving Anne's story in my mind. 
 It was so odd that she, of all other girls, should tell it. 
 Looking in some women's faces you seem to read that 
 they were born for a happy, contented love, to be the 
 centre of a cheerful home, and have children growing up 
 around them. She, with her pretty, motherly ways, her 
 delicate tastes, fine, sensitive feelings, but not high or wide 
 range of intellect, appeared just the one for such a life. 
 Would not coldness freeze her into a stiff formalism, crush
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 135 
 
 her tender, yearning soul, that needed bluest skies for its 
 blossoming? 
 
 The children came home presently : they were just the 
 kind of little ones to make friends with. I was electrify- 
 ing them with some rather noisy selections from Trovatore, 
 when Anne summoned me to the drawing-room. Mr. Otis 
 had come, and wished her to go with him and select some 
 paper for the new house, if she and her friend were not 
 too tired. So I went in for a brief introduction. Such 
 things are invariably awkward, and I forgave him for being 
 stiff. He certainly looked old for his years, as he was but 
 little beyond thirty. Not prepossessing; merely a plain, 
 quiet gentleman, the kind of person one might suppose 
 would make a good, trusty friend, but not an enthusiastic 
 lover. 
 
 His taste was certainly fine, and he paid little regard to 
 expense. He was so desirous of pleasing Anne, that he 
 would have purchased half the warehouse, and had his 
 walls adorned every week in a different style. She hesi- 
 tated ; in fact, I suspected she took no great interest in 
 the matter. She was not happy. 
 
 What a strange world it is ! so very few coming to the 
 highest enjoyment. Some lives full of straining effort and 
 self-denial, and yet never attaining the peace that crowns 
 unconscious love, that should come as a birthright to all 
 earnest souls.
 
 136 BYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 " I never 
 Could tread a single pleasure under foot." 
 
 KOUKKT BROWNING. 
 
 ANNE was really bright and gny at the dinner-table. A 
 sense of relief seemed to pervade her. There was a little 
 talk about the new house, and her face flushed to a pretty 
 and becoming color. I half fancied her happy, after all. 
 
 I was playing for Walter in the drawing-room, when we 
 were both staitled by the entrance of a visitor. Walter 
 did the honors of the introduction a Mr. Charming, who 
 attracted me at the very first glance a handsome man 
 of five and twenty, who recalled to one the statue of Anti- 
 nous. He reminded me curiously enough of Mrs. Lawrence. 
 The same slender, subtile grace ; the light, airy motion ; 
 the silken, soft, glittering hair, and summery blue eyes, 
 large lidded and languid. His features were exquisitely 
 cut ; a straight, Grecian nose, a beautifully-rounded chin, 
 and mouth as perfect as an infant's. The full, scarlet lips 
 were curved and smiling, and if there was any defect in 
 his face, it was that the upper lip looked too short and too 
 Weak for a man ; but this one would hardly cavil at. 
 
 He glanced at me after the introduction, and I could not 
 help experiencing a peculiar thrill of power; as if he were 
 paying unconscious homage, and so delicately done withal, 
 that one could not be offended. 
 
 Anne entered. He rose and shook hands with her, 
 calling a bright flush to her cheek.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 137 
 
 "I am positively disappointed," she said. "I wanted 
 the pleasure of presenting you to Miss Adriance." 
 
 "Well, suppose we have it over again," and he laughed. 
 A string of tiny bells put in motion could not have been 
 more musical. 
 
 " And we have been so much engaged to-day that I have 
 not told her a word about you." 
 
 "Then I must be judged upon my own merits. Miss 
 Adriance, please be merciful." 
 
 44 O!" Anne said, with a little impatient gesture. "But 
 a few evenings ago I learned that Mr. Channing and Mr. 
 St. John " 
 
 She paused, for there flitted across Mr. Channing's face 
 such a comical, half-deprecating expression. 
 
 " Were connections. I'll finish the sentence, Miss Suth- 
 erland, and Miss Adriance must judge who is to be 
 commiserated." 
 
 This air of gay audacity sat wonderfully well upon him. 
 
 " I confess you brought Mrs. Lawrence to my mind," I 
 said, feeling pleased and interested. 
 
 44 Thank you. I don't aspire to the gloomily grand, as 
 does my magnificent cousin Stuart. Isabelle is a charming 
 woman, but she displayed a good deal of courage when she 
 undertook to humanize her brother. Miss Anne said he 
 was your guardian." 
 
 "Isn't it odd?" Anne exclaimed. "I was quite startled 
 w T hen I made the discovery, for I have been acquainted 
 with Mr. Channing a long while, and known you so in- 
 timately, too." Then she colored afresh, and looked 
 strangely conscious. 
 
 " And you are really relatives?" I said, recovering from 
 my surprise. 
 
 " Honestly and truly, on our mother's side. Though I 
 suspect St. John long ago disowned all relationship with
 
 138 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 such a gay fellow; he's so miserably grave and severe. 
 Doesn't he sometimes threaten to shut you up in a dark 
 closet?" 
 
 "No," I answered, laughingly. "I have found Laurel- 
 wood a very enjoyable place." 
 
 " Perhaps he comes down from his pedestal occasionally. 
 I made them a visit when Isabelle first went there, and I 
 assure you I was glad to escape. I cannot endure those 
 morose and bitter people who shroud themselves con- 
 tinually in sackcloth, and will not be content unless they 
 see their neighbors sitting in ashes. Life is such a delight- 
 ful thing to me! If there is a stray gleam of sunshine T 
 want to be in it. I enjoy summer bloom and beauty, 
 without bewailing the fact that it must fade when winter 
 comes." 
 
 His voice was so purely musical, and his face summer in 
 itself. One listened as to chords played perfectly. 
 
 I had found Mr. St. John bitter, but I was half ashamed 
 to confess it; so I said, 
 
 " We have been rather gay and dissipated all winter." 
 
 " Then a change has certainly come over Giant Despair. 
 Miss Adriance, you amaze me! Doesn't St. John preach 
 you homilies upon the waste of time spent in such frivol- 
 ities?" 
 
 " I haven't been sermonized vry seriously as yet." 
 
 " Wonders will never cease. And though I wouldn't 
 shadow your bright visions, I am afraid I have little faith 
 in his conversion." 
 
 Presently we rambled on to something else. He never 
 wore out a theme, or allowed his listeners to weary of it. 
 He was at home everywhere. Any trivial subject blossomed 
 in grace and beauty at his touch. Choice bits of sentiment 
 floated out on the wave of conversation, sparkling like the 
 changeful sea in a midday sunshine. Poetry, music, art,
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 139 
 
 nothing came amiss to him. One could not pause to ana- 
 lyze, but enjoyed without cavilling, as one does the richness 
 of tropical scenery. It gave me a curious sensation, as if I 
 had remained too long in an over-fragrant conservatory. 
 
 Before he went away he made an engagement to take 
 us to visit a gallery of paintings then on exhibition. All 
 the evening Anne had been bright and winsome, treating 
 him with the familiarity of a brother. 
 
 After he had gone, I lingered by the piano while she 
 collected stray sheets of music. 
 
 "You like him," she began, in a confident tone. 
 
 " How could any one help it?" I said, honestly. 
 
 " I'm so glad. lie is to stand with you." 
 
 "What an odd circumstance! He ought to stand in 
 another capacity, Anne. You have been a different being 
 this evening." 
 
 " There's something inspiriting about him, like wine. 
 Perhaps I am too easily impressed." 
 
 I took her face between my hands. " Confess, Anne," I 
 said, "that you could have loved this man." 
 
 She struggled to free herself. "If I had met him now 
 for the first time, I don't know what effect he might have 
 upon me; but I have known him from childhood." 
 
 "And how have you escaped loving him?" 
 
 " I do not think he ever loved me." She said it very 
 simply and honestly. 
 
 " But women do not always wait for that." 
 
 " I don't know that I quite understand it myself, only I 
 can fed that we should never do for each other." 
 
 "Why?" I asked in astonishment. 
 
 " It seems as if he would need a strong and powerful 
 charm to hold him. He would want something rare and 
 startling, a bud one day, a blossom the next, and ever after 
 a different kind of fruit. I am grave by nature, and have
 
 140 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 but little variety. I should give all at first, and though it 
 might grow more precious to some, I can fancy others 
 tiring of it." 
 
 " What an odd girl ! Do you think him fickle ?" 
 
 " He has not proved fickle in friendship." Her eyes 
 wandered from mine as she uttered this. 
 
 " There's some mystery about you two people. I can't 
 imagine how you could consent to marry that unattractive 
 Mr. Otis when you contrasted him with Mr. Channing." 
 
 " I didn't contrast them. Mr. Channing has been away 
 nearly all winter. I cannot make you understand just the 
 kind of friends we have been. He is distantly connected 
 with some cousins of mine, whom I used to visit frequently. 
 I think from the very first we accepted the fact that we 
 were to be nothing but friends." 
 
 " And how did he take your engagement?" 
 
 " Calmly enough. Don't fill your head with foolish fan- 
 cies, Sydnie. It is a matter of indifference to Mr. Channing 
 whom I marry." 
 
 I thought there was a dash of bitterness in this. " It is 
 of more importance to me," I said, warmly. " I cannot 
 endure the thought that you are going to make yourself 
 miserable. It would be better even now to break this en- 
 gagement. There is nothing but a paltry feeling of grati- 
 tude concerned in it. Love is shamed by such a mockery." 
 
 " Hush, you wound me. Let me go my own way it is 
 best for me. Come, we are staying up unconscionably," 
 and shutting the piano almost violently, she drew me into 
 the hall. 
 
 I went to bed with a head full of vague ideas. It seemed 
 to me that Anne ought not to be allowed to take such a 
 desperate step. Were her parents blind ? 
 
 I watched her and Mr. Channing narrowly the next day, 
 and confess to a secret mortification in finding him polite
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 141 
 
 and devoted in the most gentlemanly manner, but not in 
 the slightest degree lover-like. Indeed he paid me the more 
 exclusive attention. Anne was by far too generous to be 
 suspected of anything like jealousy. 
 
 It was singular, but in a week's time I accepted the 
 fact, even if I could not be quite satisfied with it. I found, 
 too, that Mr. Channing was no great favorite with Mr. 
 Sutherland, while he did admire Mr. Otis warmly. Some- 
 times the latter thawed a little when we were alone with 
 him, but Mr. Channing's presence made him awkward and 
 reserved. I was forced to admit that Mr. Otis possessed 
 many fine characteristics, and a delicacy that one would 
 hardly have expected. 
 
 We were kept pretty busy. Shopping, ordering furni- 
 ture for the new house, being subject to the nod of the 
 dressmaker, and entertaining callers, occupied us inces- 
 santly. Anne seemed to enjoy the excitement, and I no 
 longer attempted to dissuade her, or discourage her in any 
 manner. But I had a fancy that if Mr. Otis had given less 
 lavishly, and demanded more in return, claimed Anne as a 
 right, and not taken little crumbs and odd moments of 
 leisure, it would have been better for both. She was so 
 rarely alone with him. Indeed she seemed to shrink from 
 intimate personal contact, while she really had no aversion 
 to him. 
 
 Mr. Channing pleased me wonderfully. His beauty did 
 not pall as one became accustomed to it. Every emotion 
 brought a change to his features, a new light in his soft, 
 deep eyes. His was a remarkably expressive face. Another 
 charm was his reading. With his exquisite intonation this 
 was drowsy, lulling music, that lingered in one's brain long 
 after the sound had ceased. 
 
 I wrote to Mrs. Lawrence about meeting him ; indeed 
 he begged to send a message. What was my surprise to
 
 142 SYDNIE ADBIANCE, OR 
 
 find a note from Mr. St. John enclosed in hers, a few 
 words that angered me in an instant. Its contents were 
 these : 
 
 " Miss ADRIANCE : I regret extremely that you should 
 have met Mr. Channing under such peculiar circumstances. 
 "While he is agreeable to the verge of fascination, he is not 
 a man I should select for intimate companionship. Be 
 careful in your acquaintance with him. ST. JOHN." 
 
 It was mean and cowardly thus to attempt to bias my 
 opinion of Mr. Channing his own relative too! as if I 
 were a child that had to be warned at every step, and he a 
 person dangerous to any woman's peace. I smiled scorn- 
 fully over the advice, resolving that it should not interfere 
 with my enjoyment of his pleasant society in the slightest 
 degree. Mr. Channing was not lacking in moral principles, 
 or addicted to any small vices. Refined to the verge of 
 fastidiousness, elegant in all his tastes without being fop- 
 pish or sentimental, what was there to annoy or distress 
 one? St. John was manifestly unjust and unreasonable. 
 
 If he did not admire Mr. Changing, I must confess there 
 was but little love lost between them. The latter was not 
 bitter nor satirical, and yet he had a keen appreciation of 
 the ridiculous, and a trick of drawing exaggerated pictures 
 that was most amusing. One day he was enlarging upon 
 Mr. St. John's habits of seclusion and distaste for society. 
 
 "No one is quite good enough for his magnificence," he 
 said. " I should think you two women would be a daily 
 trial to him. Perhaps he takes you upon the Romish prin- 
 ciple of penance. I don't see how he can resist the oppor- 
 tunity of calling you up every night, and reading you a 
 solemn lecture." 
 
 There was a touch of reality in this that disturbed me. 
 
 " Perhaps you have converted him," Mr. Channing went 
 on, in a peculiar tone, seeing that I did not reply.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 143 
 
 " O, no ; I have not the courage for such an under- 
 taking;" and I unwittingly told the truth. 
 
 "lie prides himself immensely upon his apathy and im- 
 penetrability; as if marble could possibly experience a sen- 
 sation! Do you know what I should be tempted to do it I 
 were a handsome woman, Miss Adriance?" 
 
 What ? " 
 
 " Besiege the citadel, and when it capitulated, march off 
 with the utmost indifference ; for you women do occasion- 
 ally play with hearts, and this would be only a petrified 
 semblance. Wouldn't he chafe and fret ? Fancy a tiger 
 with the toothache ! Ah, your eyes sajfcthat is wicked, but 
 I would like to see him conquered." 
 
 " You are cruel." 
 
 " O, Miss Adriance, he seems such a great, useless, mis- 
 anthropical fellow, full of quips and quirks, and sneers and 
 bitterness. Does he make any one happy? Commend me 
 to the sweet humanity that is not too proud to smile, or 
 weep, or love." 
 
 "Yet he has some friends who admire him extrava- 
 gantly," I said, thinking of Philip Westervelt. 
 
 " What taste they must have!" and he made a grimaco 
 at which I could not forbear smiling. 
 
 How differently he had affected the two men ! Philip 
 loved and revered him, while he and Aylmer Channing 
 could not meet on the plane of ordinary friendship. The 
 latter had a ready sympathy, quick understanding, was 
 most generous of his powers, lavishing his gems on every 
 side, indifferent as to their ultimate fate. He had lost his 
 mother when a mere child, and a gay young step-mother 
 had been the companion of his dawning manhood. He 
 would not have resembled Philip under any training, and 
 yet in his way he was equally charming. We do not hew 
 a Hercules out of every block of marble.
 
 144 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence sent a very cordial invitation for Mr. 
 Channing to accompany me home. I confess I rather re- 
 gretted arraying myself in such decided opposition to Mr. 
 St. John's advice. But there was no help. I gave it as 
 requested. 
 
 It was only a few days before the wedding. We two 
 were alone in the drawing-room. 
 
 Mr. Channing glanced up, his face in a radiant glow. 
 " How exceedingly kind of her," he said ; then colored a 
 little, and added, timidly, "Shall you like it? Will it be 
 pleasant for you ? " 
 
 I was sorry to bjave him make it a personal matter, and 
 answered, rather confusedly, " that it would be very 
 agreeable." 
 
 " I'm glad not to have to part with you so soon ; " and 
 the low key into which his voice dropped gave me a most 
 uncomfortable feeling. " Laurelvvood is so lovely that I 
 shall enjoy it beyond everything with you. And May is 
 the most beautiful month of the year. How any one can 
 exist, and not thrill with delight at the sweet voices of 
 Nature, but go groping along, dumb and blind, seeing no 
 stars overhead, no greenness on the earth, is a mystery to 
 me. These great throbs of fragrant, awakening life, kindle 
 in me a fervent enthusiasm." 
 
 He looked so charming as he littered this, his fine eyes 
 aglow with dreamy passion, and wondering smiles curving 
 his scarlet lips, that I forgot my momentary uneasiness, and 
 answered him warmly. 
 
 " St. John and I never agree on these subjects," he con- 
 tinued. " He has a horror of romance, and thinks sentiment 
 of all kinds only fit for a parcel of school-girls. With him 
 the wortU is false and illusive, men are shams, women dolls, 
 who can understand nothing higher than dressing and 
 dancing ; you are wrong from the beginning, and, do your
 
 TKYING THE WORLD. 145 
 
 best, you can never get right; yet in some incomprehensi- 
 ble manner, you are to work out an excellent destiny from 
 these incongruous elements. Has he never treated you to 
 his sublime theories ? " 
 
 I could not help smiling. I had hardly been able to 
 make more than this out of my guardian's disquisitions. 
 Yet after a moment I felt condemned, and said, 
 
 " I think you do Mr. St. John some injustice. I have 
 Been him appreciate the noble and grand in Nature, and he 
 has proved a kind friend to several who have come in his 
 way. I believe he is not a man that-one would understand 
 readily ; " then I paused, for I felt my color rising under 
 these strangely soft and luminous eyes. 
 
 "He has a lenient judge in you. But confess, Miss 
 Adriance, hasn't he a way of making one feel weak, aim- 
 less, and inferior, while he goes up to his Titan heights, 
 looking coldly down, and offering no one a helping hand ? 
 He isn't a broad, genial, generous man." 
 
 It was true. 
 
 " However, we will not allow it to spoil our delight. I 
 count on having such an enjoyable time. And yet you 
 alone give me courage to enter those Dantean portals." 
 
 These personal allusions made me nervous. Perhaps it 
 was merely his complimentary way as a man of the world, 
 
 Anne kept wonderfully calm, sustained by the inward 
 strength that she called her duty. Once I ventured to ask 
 if she were happy, for, somehow, in this time of confusion, 
 we had diifted apart. 
 
 " Do I act as if I were miserable ? " and she gave a trem- 
 ulous little laugh. 
 
 " I don't feel at all satisfied about you. I find myself 
 constantly wishing that some one else stood in Mr. Otis's 
 place." 
 
 " Hush ! That is a forbidden subject, you know." 
 10
 
 146 BTDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 "Are you afraid to hear Mr. Channing mentioned fn 
 such a connection ? " 
 
 "Are you not convinced by this time that I possess no 
 strong attraction for him? Do I shun him any way as if I 
 were pained or wounded?" 
 
 I confessed that she did not. 
 
 "I have chosen Mr. Otis; I shall endeavor to make him 
 happy: and in ministering to another, one cannot fail to 
 reap some reward. Dear Sydnie, never feel distressed 
 about me." 
 
 She smiled away some tears. 
 
 Then we went on with the wedding preparations. Tho 
 children were wild over Anne's beautiful dresses ; friends 
 came with bridal gifts; and, amid all that was pleasant 
 and sweet, the marriage day dawned, one of those marvel- 
 lous April mornings bordering so closely upon the es- 
 pousal of May that two voices seemed blending in every 
 waft of fragrant air. Tiny, detached drifts of frost-white 
 clouds sailed through a sky of peerless blue, and the broad 
 sheets of sunshine were radiant with beauty. I felt in- 
 spirited. 
 
 Mr. Channing was like the most devoted of brothers ; 
 he kept the bridegroom from being unnecessarily awkward, 
 put everybody in the right place, laughed, jested, and made 
 it as gay as possible. We went to church, and walked up 
 the aisle, with curious eyes staling at us from both sides ; 
 the ceremony began, responses were given in a low tone, 
 and the hand I ungloved was cold and trembling, but the 
 
 o o* 
 
 eyes were turned steadily forward, as if looking at the 
 new path. What strange courage we women sometimes 
 display! Then they knelt down to receive the benedic- 
 tion that was to crown their lives. 
 
 It was all done, past recall. Another had been added 
 to the list of happy or miserable lives.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 147 
 
 The reception, tiresome as it was, interested me greatly. 
 The bride was pale and quiet, but looked lovely in her 
 soft white silk and flowing veil. Mr. Otis acquitted him- 
 self very creditably; Mr. Channing was charming beyond 
 description ; and when we had laughed and talked, shaken 
 hands, eaten bride-cake, and smiled over our wineglasses 
 for the appointed time, Anne and I made our exit. I 
 helped her change her dress for a travelling costume, 
 kissed her tenderly, and wished her a happiness I feared 
 would never come ; and then she went to her mother for a 
 few last words. 
 
 She had preferred a remarkable composure, I thought ; 
 but it gave way then. The other farewells were brief, and 
 they drove away on the pilgrimage that had fallen to their 
 lot. For how many of these things come from absolute 
 and unbiassed election ? 
 
 We had a gay time after they were gone. Quite a party 
 remained, and the evening ended with a little dancing. 
 Mr. Channing lingered until the very last, and left with a 
 promise of seeing me early the next day. He had added 
 a great charm to the visit for me. Not but what I could 
 have enjoyed myself very well with so pleasant a family 
 under other circumstances; indeed, the children made a 
 great outcry when they found my departure so near at 
 hand. Walter endeavored to persuade me to remain until 
 Anne's return. It was odd, I thought, that they should 
 seem to count upon her being just as much to them as 
 before. 
 
 " I don't know that I could have parted with her if she 
 were not going to live so near," Mrs. Sutherland said. 
 
 How would Mr. Otis like these constant claims? Per- 
 haps his boundless generosity took in the whole family. 
 
 The wreck and ruins of the wedding feast seemed every- 
 where visible ; aud the house wore a listless, disconsolate
 
 148 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 look the next day. Anne was missed in every trifling 
 event. Her sweet and yielding nature must have pos- 
 sessed some strong points thus to make her influence felt 
 and needed. 
 
 With my good by I gave a promise of repeating the 
 visit. Then I turned my face homeward, speculating not 
 a little on my reception. Mr. Channing proved a delight- 
 ful escort ; I liked him exceedingly, yet Mr. St. John was 
 hardly out of my mind a moment. Would he deem him- 
 self aggrieved by the presence of his cousin, and the fact 
 that I had not heeded his suggestion ? I did not well see 
 how I could have helped it. 
 
 What a strange tangle most lives are! I wonder if we 
 choose anything. Rather it appears to me that we take 
 the events as they com'e along, and use them as the present 
 moment dictates, and afterwards bewail mistakes, helpless 
 to relieve them. 
 
 Two of my companions had decided their destinies. I 
 was not much better satisfied with Anne's marriage than 
 with Laura's, and half convinced that the latter would 
 enjoy more real happiness. She would not try to make 
 pure and high motives harmonize with the position in which 
 she would be placed, and know none of the wearying 
 struggles of fruitless endeavor. 
 
 I thanked God for the bright promise of Ellen's love. 
 Yet how narrowly that had escaped going down into dark- 
 ness.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 149 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 " The heart 
 
 Oft grows inconstant in its own despite, 
 And most in love; because of cruel gods, 
 Who envy man's obtaining that, the which 
 They deem their own." SIR WALTEB RALEIGH. 
 
 " Still, when we purpose to enjoy ourselves, 
 To try our valor fortune semis a foe ; 
 To try our equanimity, a friend." GOETHE'S TASSO. 
 
 THE fragrant breath of a glorious May morning greeted 
 me as I opened my eyes after a night's sleep at Laurel- 
 wood. There had been a shower in the night, and the 
 distant fields were a glittering sheet of emeralds and dia- 
 monds ; every tree was a haze of sunshine ; spring gusts 
 went wandering through the pines, sweet with the prom- 
 ised luxuriance of coming summer. 
 
 A warm glow quivered through my frame. I pushed 
 the heavy hair back from my forehead, and drew long 
 breaths of this bewildering air. I thought of the time 
 when I had first come here, and a quick rush of feeling 
 overpowered me for an instant. 
 
 But I was forced to return to common daily life. Our 
 welcome of the night before had been warm and cordial 
 from Mrs. Lawrence, and very courteous from Mr. St. John. 
 I was anxious to know how it would prove by daylight. 
 Perhaps, after all, there was no real antagonism on Mr. St. 
 John's part. Natures like his, strongly marked by positive 
 qualities, generally prove severe in their requirements, and
 
 150 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 impatient with what they consider mental inferiority. But 
 are they any happier or capable of higher enjoyments than 
 the others ? 
 
 Tbirza came to assist me. Mrs. Lawrence had already 
 gone down ; so I begged her to be expeditious, and soon 
 joined the family. They were all in the breakfast room, 
 the two gentlemen talking amicably ; so there had been no 
 instant declaration of war. In fact, I thought Mr. St. John 
 unusually gay and brilliant. He inquired about the jour- 
 ney, the visit, and hoped our newly-married friends had 
 behaved quite to our satisfaction, and were as happy as it 
 was possible to be. Mr. Channing made most of the re- 
 plies. Whatever had appeared incongruous in the union 
 he very delicately kept in the background. Indeed, lis- 
 tening to him, I began to fancy that Anne had been a rather 
 fortunate girl, and stood a fair chance for a pleasant life. 
 
 I could not help contrasting the two men. Aylmer 
 Channing bore out the resemblance to Mrs. Lawrence in 
 many particulars, and especially in that peculiar appear- 
 ance of youth and gracefulness. He had the beauty of 
 some old god ; you could hardly disconnect him from 
 Grecian groves and festivals that legends have brought 
 down to us. The comparison made St. John appear really 
 plainer gave him a force and ruggedness: the massive 
 brow and head were indicative of power and sternness, 
 where the other's displayed an elegant ease and languor; 
 his face was sharply cut, cold, indrawn, while Mr. Chan- 
 ning carried in his a continual glow of enjoyment. 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence was really delighted to have me back 
 again, and I yielded to the charm of her welcome. 
 
 " So you like cousin Aylmer," she said, when we were 
 alone. "I wonder that I didn't think of inviting him in 
 the winter, though I don't believe you suffeied for lack 
 of society."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 151 
 
 "Indeed, we had our hands full," I rejoined, with a 
 smile. 
 
 " Aylraer is one of the most finished gentlemen I have 
 ever met. The Channing estate is large, too, and there 
 are no children by this second marriage. I wonder that 
 your friend did not choose him instead of looking farther* 
 He tells me they have been acquainted for years." 
 
 " Her husband was an old friend, also," I said, rather 
 coldly. 
 
 " What a picture you two people must have made ! " she 
 went on, presently, in the tones whose melody wa^s sweet 
 to fascination, even if the theme was deficient in charm. 
 There was something in her manner that gave me an un- 
 comfortable feeling. Why must people look at every 
 ordinary acquaintance or friendship with a view to matri- 
 mony? It vexes me. 
 
 For several days all went on smoothly enough. Mr. St. 
 John took very little notice of my return, and made no 
 reference whatever to his unlucky note. No one would 
 have supposed he entertained the slightest objection to his 
 cousin. Not that he acted hypocritically: he made no 
 show of affection for Aylmer, but treated him with the 
 nicest courtesy. The circle of neighbors around Laurel- 
 wood greeted my return with a most cordial warmth, and 
 we were in continual demand. I had observed before this 
 the peculiar reserve with which most people treated Mr. 
 St. John, or rather which he demanded of them. He was 
 not a man one would be likely to take liberties with. Mrs. 
 Lawrence they drew into their gayeties as if quite by right, 
 and in this pleasant social atmosphere Mr. Channing was 
 instantly included. Invitations poured in upon us as thick 
 as at Christmas tide. It was such lovely weather for rides 
 and drives and little parties! 
 
 "You have worked a wonderful change in my august
 
 152 SYDNIE ADEIANCE, OB 
 
 cousin," Mr. Charming said to me. " Why, he is quite a 
 civilized being." 
 
 " You overrate my influence," I returned. "I have found 
 no change in him since my arrival." 
 
 "Ah, you didn't know him before. And Isabelle told 
 me a day or two ago that he had gone into much more 
 society since Miss Adriance came." 
 
 I colored a little at this. 
 
 " He would be stock or stone if he did not pay some 
 tribute to your charms," was the rejoinder, to which I made 
 no repl v,. 
 
 But that evening Mr. St. John departed from his usual 
 serene mood. We had been talking of a book which had 
 interested us all a good deal, when he demolished our fa- 
 vorite characters with some of his sweeping assertions, 
 very unjust, I thought, and the two had a rather sharp 
 skirmish. 
 
 Aylmer went to the window, presently, complaining of 
 the heat, when Mr. St. John remarked, in a sarcastic tone, 
 that he did not perceive any change in the temperature. 
 
 I was near by, and could not resist the temptation of 
 saying, purposely for his ear, 
 
 "Marble generally is impervious to heat or cold." 
 
 " Thanks," he returned, with a scornful little smile. 
 " Perhaps it would be well to congratulate you on the same 
 principle." 
 
 " I haven't been in this atmosphere long enough to be- 
 come petrified ; but it probably would occur if I had no 
 alternative beyond remaining," I answered, sharply. 
 
 " How fortunate that a summer sea awaits you ! Of 
 course there are no such evils as tempests under your 
 bland sky." 
 
 Aylmer called me to watch the curious effect of some 
 distant light. What a hard, haughty face I encountered 
 as I passed !
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 153 
 
 I begin to understand what Aylmer meant when ho 
 said they did not agree. The war between them has 
 been fairly inaugurated. There are bitter retorts passing 
 to and fro, veiled by politeness to be sure, but sheathed in 
 sarcasm. Mr. St. John acts as if he thought his cousin's 
 fine qualities put on for effect. Aylmer has a quick eye 
 .for beauty, and glowing descriptive powers that in some 
 men would savor of affectation, but with him are per* 
 fectly natural. St. John points these with irony or ridi- 
 cule ; and if Aylmer's temper were not the sweetest in the 
 world, he would certainly be vexed. 
 
 I stood on the balcony in my riding habit one morning^ 
 waiting for the horses, Mr. St. John rose up out of the 
 vines. 
 
 " I suppose you are going to discover another smile or 
 dimple in the face of your beautiful nature," he said, with 
 an irritating curl of the lip. " You have a rare interpre- 
 ter in your attendant." 
 
 "He certainly is," I returned, roused to warmth; u a 
 worshipper whom not the slightest touch of grace es- 
 capes." 
 
 " Whether it be in a pretty woman or a pretty land- 
 scape, a well-shaped hand, or an harmoniously colored 
 tulip." 
 
 His comparisons vexed me as much as his tone. " At 
 least he is your cousin," I said, pointedly, turning my eyes 
 full upon him. 
 
 " I am at a loss to know whether that is intended as a 
 compliment for him or myself." 
 
 "It was not meant for a compliment at all, merely a 
 reminder." 
 
 "That I should take a few lessons of my charming 
 cousin? become a regular Jemmy Jessamy, flatter and 
 flirt, carry fans and perfumed handkerchiefs ? "
 
 154 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 " I fancy lie possesses some virtues not quite above your 
 comprehension." 
 
 "Indeed, I thought I enumerated the prominent traits." 
 
 "You are determined to see nothing that is good ; to 
 pervert and ridicule what others admire." 
 
 "I have been aware for some time of the direction your 
 approval has taken, and that you would hardly admit calm 
 reason to make a statement." 
 
 " Make as many statements as you like," I said, angrily, 
 my face in a blaze at his imputation. 
 
 "At least, Miss Adriance, you will allow that the ac- 
 quaintance of a lifetime is better worth judging from than 
 that of a few weeks. Not that I expect to have the 
 slightest influence over you. I am aware that one hour in 
 Mr. Channing's fascinating society _would eradicate any 
 other impression." 
 
 " Women are more easily impressed by gentleness and 
 generosity," I said, turning coldly aside. 
 
 " Women are impressed by any idle, conceited cox- 
 comb, who chooses to appeal to their vanity, pay them, 
 homage, and dangle after them continually. Tell them 
 the truth, and they will hate you it is like them the 
 world over. A little glitter and show is all they ask." 
 
 "Your experience in women must have been rather 
 unfortunate," I said, in a sweet, irritating tone, that I knew 
 would exasperate him. 
 
 He flushed and frowned, and some lightning rays of 
 passion shot out of his eyes. His lips quivered, but made 
 no sound, for just then the horses were led around, headed 
 by Aylmer, who had been superintending some changes 
 in the equipment of mine. 
 
 I ran down the steps in triumph, flinging back a dis- 
 dainful smile. 
 
 "Don't you envy us, Stuart?" Aylmer asked, gayly.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 155 
 
 " Nature is in holiday apparel ; her heavens are blue, 
 touched with floating drifts of silver; her earth an en- 
 chanter's realm, and the air is rosemary and thyme." 
 
 Mr. St. John vouchsafed no reply. We mounted, and 
 rode quickly down the long avenue. Presently Aylmer 
 said, 
 
 " So Memnon has gone back to his voiceless marble ! 
 What have you been doing, enchantress?" 
 
 "Nothing to make him so rude." 
 
 " How majestically sullen he was ! Do you know I half 
 suspect he did envy me?" 
 
 " Not on my account," I said, shortly. 
 
 " I am not so sure of that. He cannot be so widely 
 different from all created beings. I half expected to hear 
 him order you to your room, and dismiss me on the spot. 
 Every morning when I rise I look on my dressing-table to 
 find a paper duly attested, wherein he disowns all relation- 
 ship to one Aylmer Channing, late his loving cousin, and 
 requests that he shall be no more troubled with such de- 
 lectable society." 
 
 " Not quite so bad as that ; " and I laughed. I liked 
 this ridiculous exaggeration much better than sentiment, 
 and therefore used every effort to keep him gay. 
 
 I confess he does have a singular effect upon me. Every 
 one admires him; and I can see that Mrs. Lawrence puta 
 us in each other's way continually. Mr. St. John does 
 this also. It piques me to be given to him in this posi- 
 tive manner, as if I had no other resource. Mr. St. John 
 seems to shun me. We might as well be at the antipodes 
 for any real interest or pleasure we are to each other. He 
 is hard, icy, and impenetrable. 
 
 I believe I am coming to a serious part of my life. The 
 open sea seems to divide ; and, looking down one stream, 
 I see a clear, sunny, rippling tide, whose music lulls one
 
 156 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 to a restful calm. No promise of storms or tempest, no 
 matter how distant. The other is full of frowning rocks, 
 disturbed and unquiet shores, where it would require all 
 one's strength and wisdom to guide the helm, to shun 
 the dangerous ledges, and keep the bark in a safe channel. 
 
 I wonder why it is, but I have a misgiving that this 
 sweetness would pall upon me at length grow utterly 
 wearisome. And yet it is what most women like. It is 
 in my path, and I have only to reach out my hand and 
 accept; for Mr. Channing has shown his love in many 
 ways, and has evinced such a tender consideration for 
 my happiness. He has youth, rare personal endowments, 
 wealth, and a certain winsomeness that attracts friends on 
 every side. Few would fail of being perfectly happy with 
 him. Why does it nut satisfy me? 
 
 Ah, why ? Heart, what have you done ? Why this 
 wandering in gloomy places for a glance from perverse 
 eyes that freeze me with their coldness? Why sip this 
 draught of bitter rue while the goblet of life's sweetest 
 wine stands untasted? Weak and unwomanly as it may 
 be, I can confess here to myself, with no other eyes to 
 witness my humiliation, that I do care for one to whom I 
 am as nothing. 
 
 He has attracted me strongly from the very sense of 
 invincible power that is generous only as a conqueror ; 
 and if he had striven to subdue, I think I must have 
 yielded eventually, even if I had resisted at first. Once 
 or twice he has carried me along the current of his im- 
 petuous desires, and I have learned how sweet it was to 
 yield to so superior a force. But does he care? He has 
 been unjust, impatient, cruel; and that a man can never 
 be to the woman he loves. Ah, dream too sweet for me ; 
 the thought tortures my very being!
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 157 
 
 I can never decide with any certainty upon Mr. St. 
 John. A short time ago he threw me constantly in Ayl- 
 mer Channing's society, never accompanied us anywhere, 
 pleaded urgent business, letters to write, or persons to see ; 
 and now lie lias changed inexplicably. I have a con- 
 sciousness that he follows me everywhere. I catch a 
 glimpse of fierce, restless eyes when I least expect ; and 
 now and then he confronts rne in a manner so peculiar that 
 it startles me. 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence has had the house full of company, 
 though I believe he first proposed inviting some guests. 
 We have had outdoor amusements; and within, music, 
 charades, tableaux, and the like. It has been quite a gala 
 time ; and Aylmer lias proved a strong attraction. Mrs. 
 Lawrence admires him exceedingly. 
 
 I think he remarked this curious surveillance, for one 
 morning, as we were rambling in the grounds, he spq.ke of 
 it. I laughed at first. 
 
 "He means to frighten away any possible lover by 
 those portentous looks, and keep you here in his castle 
 until you consent to become humble Esther to his mag- 
 nificence." 
 
 "A remarkably distant event," I replied, rather curtly. 
 
 "I should hope so. I cannot imagine a woman loving 
 him. His haughty pride, imperious will, and cold, dis- 
 dainful nature, his lack of tenderness, and his utter ina- 
 bility to enjoy the highest and keenest happiness, would 
 repel any true woman." 
 
 "Are you quite just?" I ventured to say, under a pas- 
 sionate heart throb. 
 
 "Just? Haven't you used your own eyes? Ah, Miss 
 Adiiance, you cannot lead me very far astray in regard to 
 yourself. He is barbarous to you sometimes, and you 
 suffer from it as any high-toned, sensitive nature would.
 
 158 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 I know him so well that his sharp-pointed shafts never 
 wound me. I forgive for relation's sake." 
 
 Was it really his dainty, generous philosophy ? I did 
 not want to misjudge one so amiable, and yet I wondered 
 how deeply he could be wounded. His bright, exuberant 
 nature seemed akin to a summer day with its great waves 
 of sunshine, singing birds, and wafts of fragrance. How 
 would it be in winter in trouble or sorrow ? 
 
 " Of all things wonderful ! My amiable cousin coming 
 to meet us I He has certainly developed a phase of jeal- 
 ousy ; " and Aylmer gave a light, rippling laugh. 
 
 I turned suddenly in a half incredulous mood. Mr. St. 
 John had caught the sound. O, that bitter gesture of 
 contempt, as if he could have struck some one to the 
 earth ; those scornful eyes dilated and sparkling ! What 
 unseen fire fed them jealousy or hate ? 
 
 Aylmer opened the conversation in a most courteous 
 manner. I debated how I could escape from them both, 
 for I knew this covert peace would prove of short dura- 
 tion. But when I would have left them, Mr. St. John 
 Baid, pointedly, 
 
 "Pardon my intrusion, Miss Adriance, and remain. I 
 am the unlucky third." 
 
 " My dear cousin, allow me to appease your tender con- 
 science. Our ramble was most unimportant, and you were 
 no interruption whatever." 
 
 I fancy he did not like the tone, for Aylmer gave it a 
 peculiar sound, and his reply was sharp. He must have 
 been strangely out of humor. I was really glad when a 
 turn in the walk brought us in sight of the house. 
 
 Most of the guests had left us, and he showed a dis- 
 position to retire into his former impassibility, but Aylmer 
 was really tormenting with his light ridicule. St. John's 
 ready wit seemed to have deserted him, for, though he
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 159 
 
 was bitter, his adversary gained all the triumphs. It was 
 excessively wicked ; but I really enjoyed seeing him 
 vanquished. What was in those deep, mysterious eyes ? 
 Great waves of something, that kept coming and going 
 with phosphorescent light, showing depths and heights, 
 but giving no clew to the translation thereof. 
 
 Quite late in the evening I remember I was lingering 
 over the piano, when Aylmer asked him a question about 
 some musical composer. He had been making a pretence 
 of reading, but did not progress very rapidly, if one 
 might judge from the slowness with which the leaves 
 were turned. He sat now quite unconscious, his face 
 compressed with some strange, strong purpose. 
 
 " Stuart, are you in love ? " and Aylmer's dainty lips 
 gave out their musical ripple. 
 
 He started up nervously, and shot a rapid glance 
 around. 
 
 "What foolish trifles amuse you," he said, haughtily. 
 
 " I have asked one question half a dozen times at least. 
 I know of nothing else that can render a man so oblivi- 
 ous do you, Miss Adriance ? " 
 
 "I am not experienced in such matters," I returned, 
 confusedly. 
 
 " You are, at least. A man who has a new love every 
 month, must be a competent judge ! " and St. John glanced 
 at him scathingly. 
 
 " What says your poet ? " replied the other. 
 
 ' ' "Tis better to have loved and lost, 
 Than never to have loved at all ; ' 
 
 and then it^doesn't affect one so powerfully as to take 
 
 away one's senses." 
 
 " Some people never would suffer in that respect." 
 
 " Stuart, you have been in a most unamiable mood all
 
 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OK 
 
 day. Something must certainly be weighing upon your 
 mind." 
 
 "What weak, womanish nonsense!" "St. John declared, 
 loftily. "Since love and its accessories suit you so ad- 
 mirably, keep to your own sphere. You will find suffi- 
 cient attraction in it." 
 
 The look, as he strode out of the room, was for me. 
 Scorn, anger, and derisive pity, quite as if he despised me. 
 My heart was under my feet in a moment, and I know I 
 repaid him glance for glance. 
 
 "The tiger lias been caught in the toils. Bravo, Miss 
 Adriance ! " Aylmer said, gayly; but I turned away, 
 humiliated and pained to my inmost soul.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 161 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 " Ere such a heart regains its peaceful state, 
 How often must it love, how often hate; 
 How often hope, despair, resent, regret, 
 Conceal, disdain do all things but forget." 
 
 POPE. 
 
 MR. ST. JOHN subsided again into his lofty reserve. He 
 began to -treat me with a studied indifference, as if I was 
 altogether beneath any friendly concern. And yet it was 
 singular how attentive he was in any point of duty. Much 
 as he and Ayhner bickered, he never for an instant forgot 
 his position as host, or made his guest feel that he was an 
 unwelcome visitor. 
 
 I wished that Aylmer had not been quite so ready to 
 tease. Mrs. Lawrence looked upon the warfare between 
 them as a matter of mere amusement, and oftener hastened 
 to the rescue of her cousin than that of her brother, though 
 their bitterest encounters had generally occurred in my 
 presence. But one morning, at the breakfast table, when 
 he appeared unusually distraught, Aylmer said, gayly, 
 
 " Cousin Isabelle, I made a discovery a few evenings 
 ago." 
 
 " What was it, pray ? " and she smiled. 
 
 " That Stuart is in love. He has grown most melancholy 
 of late." 
 
 " Like other diseases, I suppose, the older one is, the 
 more severe the malady. You are not past hope," and she 
 glanced at him with a glimmer of amusement. 
 
 " As if there was nothing to a man's life but this insane 
 11
 
 162 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 folly !" he retorted, in a sharp, bitter tone. " I believe the 
 world runs mad on the subject. When you find me com- 
 mitting such a stupendous blunder it will be time to laugh ; 
 at present I have no such intentions." 
 
 There was an awkward silence for a moment, but Mrs- 
 Lawrence covered it with her usual ready tact. 
 
 I sat still, chilled in some inexplicable way. I knew she 
 had never considered him a marrying man, or likely to be 
 attracted by any woman. O, what wild, fatal dreams I 
 had been indulging in! dashed to a pitiless ruin at a 
 word. How was I to recover, to retrieve my pride, to cast 
 off this influence that had begun to envelop me so closely? 
 I rose slowly, every pulse filled with keenest anguish. As 
 I passed him, he turned his cold eyes full upon me. Not a 
 ray of light or tenderness I must find my way alone out 
 of this labyrinth, endure my tortures without a moan. 
 
 Well, I would conquer. No one should ever penetrate 
 the depths of my soul for this secret. I would uproot it to 
 the uttermost fibre. More than all, I would make myself 
 happy. I plunged into a brilliant mood, and for the re- 
 mainder of the day was extravagantly gay, but this did not 
 escape his bitter comments. They touched me to the very 
 soul, an 1 as lie sauntered majestically away, tears of pas- 
 sionate pain sprang to my eyes. 
 
 " My darling, what has my barbarous cousin been snying 
 to you?" and the soft, sweet voice fell on my strained and' 
 tortured nerves like fragrant balm, softer and sweeter than 
 ever before. "Sydnie, I must say it now I love you 
 with the tenderest affection of a man's heart. Day after 
 day I have lingered in the hope of finding some moment 
 when you would listen. You must have fancied " 
 
 My breath came in gasps. 
 
 "Hush!" I said. "Your pity has been stirred your 
 sympathy aroused "
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 163 
 
 "But I loved from the first moment that I saw you. 
 Nay, I shall take no refusal, my darling. I will wait, but I 
 feel that you must be mine at last. In my love you shall 
 be shielded from the slightest cloud or shadow ; not a harsh 
 word or a frown shall ever invade the sacred precincts of 
 our affection. I have longed to say this so often, so often ! 
 I have dared to dream, to hope. Must it go for nothing? 
 I have treasured looks and tones, and believed that you of 
 all others could not be insincere; could not betray with so 
 dear a smile." 
 
 I felt the rain of kisses on hair and brow, and experienced 
 a thrill of delight at the thought of being so precious to 
 one fond heart ; and like a flash all my wants and desires 
 were unveiled to my own soul. I seemed to look at my- 
 self in this extremity with sad, powerless eyes and nerve- 
 less hands. Why not drift with the current? Would the 
 salvation be worth the struggle? 
 
 Once in a hundred times perhaps a woman might attain 
 to Pisgah heights through the influence of a soul strung 
 enough to master hers and take it into guidance. This 
 could never be my happy lot. I had missi-d the destiny 
 that might have moulded me into the completeness I knew 
 J was capable of attaining. So what matter? 
 
 I knew there was one side of my nature that Aylmer 
 Channing's grace, and beauty, and tender winsomeucss 
 could never touch. In some moods I should be forever 
 alone. I could neMor rise to any great heights ; but was 
 that absolutely necessary for a woman ? This continual 
 straining alter unknown good produced dissatisfaction, im- 
 patience, weariness. Why not enjoy the bright portion of 
 life, and let these puzzling speculations become food for 
 essayists and reformers? I did like him; might it not 
 reach the heaven of love at last? 
 
 " Be patient with me," I said at length. " I cannot 
 answer you now."
 
 164 SYDNIB ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 " My darling, if you rcould only find rest in my heart. 
 Every pulse of it beats for you alone. I will wait ; but I 
 must hope. Do not forbid that." 
 
 The lustrous eyes, suffused with tenderest passion, won 
 me against myself. The smooth flowery stream was des- 
 tined to be mine. 
 
 I slept but little that night, so engrossed was I with the 
 events that seemed to press upon me with their momen- 
 tous importance. If I could only shift the responsibility, 
 if I dared ask counsel of one in whom I had a curious, 
 absolute faith, in spite of our utter lack of agreement. 
 That was quite impossible, however. 
 
 After all, how quietly the greatest difficulties settle them- 
 selves ! Before noon of the next day Aylmer had made 
 Mrs. Lawrence his confidant, and she came to congratu- 
 late me. 
 
 " I am not actually engaged," I said. 
 
 She was persistently sweet and persuasive. Aylmer's 
 graces lost nothing at her hands, and his love was set forth 
 with an eloquence of which I had hardly deemed her capa- 
 ble. She made it appear the very thing I had desired, the 
 great good and blessing of my future life. Listening to 
 her, my scruples grew weaker, my wearied brain and heart 
 lapsed into peace, thankful for a resting-place at last; and 
 when I found how deeply Aylmer's heart was engrossed, I 
 had not the courage to array an army of paltry objections. 
 
 A strange, sweet atmosphere surrounded me for a day 
 or two, then the tempest broke forth. I was alone in the 
 library when Mr. St. John entered, his face pale, but his 
 eyes glittering with half-suppressed passion. 
 
 I glanced up from my book with the presentiment of 
 a crisis. 
 
 "May I command your attention fora few moments?" 
 he asked, rather loftily.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 165 
 
 "Command/" The word stnng me. My lip curled with 
 resentment as I replied, coldly, "I await your pleasure." 
 
 "Am I to understand that Mr. Channing is authorized 
 by you to ask my consent to an engagement between you 
 and himself? " 
 
 " lie is," I said, haughtily; and I felt my eyes kindling. 
 
 " If not too impertinent a question, I should like to know 
 how long he has been your favorite lover ? " 
 
 There was a little sneer in this that roused me, but T 
 kept my temper. 
 
 " We have been engaged a few days, if that is what you 
 mean," I said ; and then I glanced out of the window, with 
 an indifferent air. 
 
 " I preferred hearing this from you, that I might know 
 in what light to consider it." 
 
 " Had you any doubt ? " I asked, scornfully. 
 
 " I did not know how far an undue susceptibility and a 
 large share of vanity might lead a young man who makes 
 fascination a study." 
 
 " You had no right to question it. It is like your usual 
 generosity." 
 
 He made an angry gesture, and frowned in a sharp, im- 
 perious manner. 
 
 "And this absurd child's play was with your consent?" 
 
 "If you mean by that," I returned, burning with indig- 
 nation, " that children only can understand and appreciate 
 the best gifts of life, love, and tenderness, I hope we shall 
 never attain to your cold, narrow, selfish ideal." 
 
 "Children! Love! Miss Adriance, it takes a man's 
 heart to receive the impression of this indelible tenderness 
 and ardent affection, akin to the infinite ; and it requires 
 the purely developed soul of a woman to appreciate and 
 return such love." 
 
 " Indeed. Have you been studying the subject? "
 
 166 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 "I am aware that with many, a man is simply a fashion- 
 able butterfly, who dances elegantly, has his mind well 
 stored with small talk, vapid us his own brain, and makes 
 his body a walking advertisement of the latest fashions. 
 I cannot comprehend the purpose of such men's lives, unless 
 it be to flatter foolish women and flirt." 
 
 " Your knowledge of the world is varied as well as ex- 
 tensive." 
 
 " Of late I have seen some interesting subjects for 
 study." 
 
 "I hope they have repaid your profound attention." 
 
 There was a pause, in which we both took breath. 
 Every moment I seemed to hate him more bitterly, and 
 yet how magnificent he looked, his arms folded upon his 
 broad chest, his brow white with passion, and his e'yes 
 fairly blazing. How he could temper and control himself! 
 He fairly extorted my admiration. 
 
 "Am I to believe you sufficiently infatuated to think 
 Aylmer honestly desires this engagement?" 
 
 " Call it infatuation, or any name you choose, it cannot 
 make the' love less a fact." 
 
 "His love a fact ! I gave you credit for better sense ! " 
 
 O, the withering contempt in the tone ! It roused me 
 to white heat. 
 
 "Because I am not misanthropic enough to doubt, be- 
 cause I know the reality of this feeling in hearts still 
 human, and accept the offering, you taunt me with a lack 
 of sense. "What have you to say against his love ? What 
 can you say ? " 
 
 " What can I say? One important truth. He has flirted 
 from heart to heart, loved dozens with the same passionate 
 admiration that he offers you, bowed at every shrine that 
 came in his way. In six months he will weary of you." 
 
 "It is false!" I said, passionately. "You are unjust,
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 167 
 
 suspicions, and prejudiced. Because your cousin is not 
 cast in your narrow mould, you are resolved to see no 
 virtue in him. All we ask of you is a simple assent." 
 
 " Suppose I refuse for the present?" 
 
 " We can wait. I Lave no fear, although you are so 
 doubtful." 
 
 "Very well," he said, coolly. "The matter may remain 
 in abeyance for some time. Perhaps your eyes will grow 
 clearer." 
 
 I sprang up, roused in every pulse. Did he dare to dis- 
 play his fancied power over me in that fashion ? 
 
 " I ought to be flattered by this solicitude, seeing what ex- 
 cellent reasons you can give for your unmanly vigilance." 
 
 "Miss Adriance, be calm, I beg of you. Just now you 
 have been caught by a little glitter and show, and you have 
 not had sufficient experience to distinguish between the 
 false and the true. In three months you will weary of the 
 bond yourself. You really do not know what love is." 
 
 The cool contempt stung me. His piercing eyes were 
 turned full upon me, and I felt mine shrink from the glance. 
 Could he read my heart, see how I had wavered .between 
 love and pride and resentment? Even now I felt myself 
 in his power, and longed to free my soul from the unworthy 
 bondage for it icas unworthy. What did he care whether 
 I was happy or miserable ? He would not so much as raise 
 his finger to add to my comfort; but instead, torture me 
 by cruel words and unjust suspicions. I tried to steady 
 my voice, which I hardly dared trust, and said, with cold 
 calmness, 
 
 "Very well, we will wait." 
 
 A strange expression flitted over his face. It seemed to 
 me that he was almost disappointed at my resolve. 
 
 I took up my book again, and presently he left the room. 
 Not too soon, indeed, for my eyes were full of bitter, pas-
 
 168 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 sionnte tears. The life I wanted to mnke so happy and 
 complete, so worthy of true existence, stretched out before 
 me a miserable failure. Not the conclusion that I most 
 desired ; and yet I must take it up and make it my sole 
 earthly good. 
 
 When I recovered my self-possession, I went to Mrs. 
 Lawrence's room to learn the meaning of Mr. St. John's 
 resolve. I found her flushed and nervous also. 
 
 "My dear Sydnie," she began, with a forced smile, "this 
 has been a rather awkward and unfortunate explanation. 
 Aylmer feels dreadfully about it. The truth is, Stuart in- 
 dulges in some strange notions about his right of guardian- 
 ship; and when he takes a freak in his head he is queer 
 and unreasonable. As if a girl of nineteen did not know 
 her own mind ! I am absolutely vexed. And his objec- 
 tions to Aylmer are so trifling so unjust. He never was 
 a great favorite with my brother." 
 
 " Well," I said, haughtily, " we can wait. Time will 
 prove who is right." 
 
 " Aylmer has been quite gay, to be sure," she went on, 
 rather deprecatingly ; " and young men with his attractions 
 can hardly help flirting a little. I have no doubt about his 
 regard for you, and he will convince Stuart of its truth. 
 This is carrying animosity too far." 
 
 " He expresses some solicitude for me, also," I returned, 
 scornfully. 
 
 "My dear, don't let this distress you;" and there was 
 a tenderness in her tone that sounded like real affection. 
 "Above all things, do not distrust Aylmer. You possess 
 so many charms that you appeal to both sense and soul. 
 I have been talking with him, and he certainly is a most 
 enraptured lover, quite up to your ideal," and she smiled. 
 
 "I shall not doubt him, unless he gives me just cause," 
 I answered, gravely, with a consciousness that he was not
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 169 
 
 exactly my ideal, and a certain forlorn sense of being 
 astray in the path where it was of the highest impor- 
 tance to be right. 
 
 " Stuart was brought up in such an odd, hermit fashion, 
 that he hardly understands the real world. His opinions 
 of love and marriage are crude and unreasonable ; indeed, 
 he hasn't much faith in any one's regard. He can be very 
 good and generous, but the softer graces of life never seem 
 to cling to him. We agree very well, because we go our 
 separate ways, and never seek to convert the other to any 
 particular opinion. But in this matter I found him un- 
 usually perverse. He has not a particle of sympathy 
 with lovers. I wish he had married like any ordinary 
 mortal." 
 
 " You do not think he will ? " 
 
 I uttered this with a kind of breathless pang, and waited 
 for her answer, as though it might be of momentous im- 
 port. 
 
 " O, no, my dear. He is looking for impossibilities in a 
 woman. He will never find the right union of strength 
 and pliancy, self-dependence and tender, yielding grace, 
 wisdom, intelligence, beauty, in short, perfection. Then 
 he thinks all women more or less mercenary, and actuated 
 by selfish motives. As if it was not proper to do the best 
 one could with one's life ! Men always consider this 
 point." 
 
 " But men do often love disinterestedly," I said, slowly. 
 "And if we made ourselves better companions for them, 
 were not so continually filled with trifles and excitements, 
 and convinced them that we were capable of reaching a 
 high point of excellence " 
 
 " I thought you had outgrown this foolish romance ; " 
 and she laughed lightly. " You will generally find that 
 these studious, speculative men worship a high ideal in
 
 170 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 their brain, and end by marrying some silly doll who has 
 hardly the taste to dress well. I am glad you have chosen 
 so wisely; for I used to have a little fear about you. I 
 know you cannot fail of being happy with so charming and 
 genial a nature." 
 
 " I still think that I do not desire to trifle away my whole 
 life. Holidays are well enough, but one docs not want 
 them forever. We are censured for being vapid and super- 
 ficial, and accomplishing no real good in the world." 
 
 " Men must ridicule something, and sneer a little, or they 
 would hardly be men. But they all like laces better than 
 Latin in a lady's boudoir, and enjoy flounces more than 
 philosophy. It is best to leave these grave matters to 
 clergymen and essayists. The world must have something 
 to talk about." 
 
 She always treated serious endeavors in this light, in- 
 different fashion. In one sense her life had been a perfect 
 success : she had hosts of warm friends, a splendid posi- 
 tion, was admired, and could have won lovers by the score 
 had she so chosen. Men of intellect and genius always 
 paid her marked attention I had noticed that. She 
 could converse well and gracefully, but hers was not a high 
 order of mind. And then I thought of Laura's triumphs. 
 Was there any veal discrimination in the world ? 
 
 She was summoned to the drawing-room by the advent 
 of some visitors. Passing me, she kissed my forehead, 
 and begged me not to be unhappy. 
 
 " Stuart will soon be aware of his folly and unreasona- 
 bleness." 
 
 That did not comfort me. I was in a state of dissatis- 
 faction and tumult. My anger against Mr. St. John seemed 
 to be dying out. What if he should be right? 
 
 O, what was I doing ? Since I had allowed myself to 
 drift into this engagement, pride, at least, demanded that
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 171 
 
 I should be true. I said decisively that I would learn to 
 love; my heart should yield its sweet meed to the one 
 who deserved the treasure. 
 
 Mr. St. John insisted that there should be no announce- 
 ment of the engagement before autumn, and that we should 
 both consider ourselves perfectly free. I acquiesced with 
 a haughty silence ; Ayliner was very indignant, and Mrs. 
 Lawrence annoyed. 
 
 I believe I did enjoy Aylmer's devotion for the next 
 few days. He claimed his right of possessorship with a 
 certain hesitancy that I did not like as well as a more 
 masterful resolution. Is there an instinctive desire in most 
 women to have the power taken out of their hands, to 
 plejise themselves by chafing against a chain that in their 
 inmost hearts they acknowledge to be a precious bond ? 
 
 I had no sense of this : I was free, too free. Generosity 
 and principle mtist sway me henceforth. 
 
 Two months ago I had met Aylmer Channing, little 
 dreaming then how intimately he was to be concerned in 
 my destiny. We parted tenderly fondly; and when he 
 was gone I felt lost and solitary in the extreme. 
 
 I had heard from my friend Anne : her short tour ended, 
 they had returned and taken possession of their new home, 
 and everything was most pleasant. Mr. Otis had decided 
 to assume the charge of Walter's education, which was 
 exceedingly generous. Mamma would be relieved of much 
 care : the old home ties were evidently the strongest. I 
 fancied she was making an effort to be happy playing 
 with shadows; but I could no longer blame. 
 
 We went back to the old routine, and began to make 
 plans for the summer. I was not anxious for Newport, 
 and, as there was no husband to win, Mrs. Lawrence pro- 
 posed short journeys to several points of interest, which 
 appeared very pleasant to me. I began to experience a
 
 172 SYDNIE ADRTANCE, OB 
 
 strange craving for excitement. Sulphur Springs, Old 
 Point Comfort, and Cape May were laid down in our 
 route. 
 
 In September Philip was to be married. I cannot con- 
 ceive of a lovelier picture than Ellen in her radiant con- 
 tentment. I was forced to confess that there was something 
 I lacked, and it gave me a pang of anguish. Would I ever 
 learn my lesson ? 
 
 Mr. St. John treated me to a sort of satirical patronage. 
 I had been wild indeed to fancy his regnrd anything be- 
 yond the considerate care he believed he owed me. And 
 yet there had been moments of madness when flushing 
 cheek and kindling eye stirred every pulse of my being: 
 some words that I could never forget; had they any 
 meaning? Cold as marble he seemed now, superbly in- 
 different to any pain or joy that I could give. 
 
 There was one day on which these remembrances thronged 
 about me with a peculiar force. Just one year before I 
 had come to Laurelwood. Mr. St. John went away in the 
 morning ; Mrs. Lawrence was busy selecting her dresses, 
 and pointing out alterations to be made; and I, having 
 nothing to do, roamed through the shady walks and lin- 
 gered by the sparkling fountains. A soft, droning mur- 
 mur filled the air, and steeped one in delicious languor. 
 How heavenly beautiful the place was ! I recalled so dis- 
 tinctly my first sensations, and the pleasure they had af- 
 forded Mr. St. John. We had not harmonized, and he 
 would be glad to have me go, doubtless. But how could 
 I leave this Paradise? Ah, he would never guess the 
 pang. 
 
 I felt ashamed of myself for the weakness. It had been 
 my misfortune to meet a man whom, if fate had been 
 kinder, I could have loved with my whole soul. I told 
 my heart the truth this day. But a gulf divided us. In
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 173 
 
 the Babel-like confusion that had intervened, our languages 
 had changed, and \ve were never to understand one another 
 again. The tower that might have gone skyward with 
 sweetest hopes and anticipations, lay a mass of ruins at my 
 feet. From the fragments I must construct a new temple, 
 alas ! of the earth, earthy. The dim aspirations that had 
 whispered to my soul of its better portion were to be 
 hushed thrust out as phantoms of the past. A long, 
 wearisome march lay before me : if I could brighten it 
 with love, well; if not, then Heaven help me! 
 
 I clasped my hands in a cry of supplication longing 
 to do, yet vexed and hindered by all about me. This was 
 the record of a year. 
 
 All along my future life, at intervals, there would rise a 
 white stone, a monument for a lost hope. The glad joy 
 of the old days stood apart. I was walking lonesomely 
 along between doubt and fear, the solemn music of the 
 deep sea rolling between, the shores widening.
 
 174 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 CHAPTER XIH. 
 
 " The eyes will not see when the heart wishes them to be blind. Desire con- 
 ceals truth as darkness does the earth." SENECA. 
 
 WE had a very pleasant summer. The Grahams were 
 at the Springs, their usual resort. It was so different from 
 Newport. A quaint, old-fashioned courtesy was noticeable 
 in most of the gentlemen, the majority of them middle- 
 aged and heads of families ; in the younger ones a certain 
 chivalrous spirit, not formalized to the rigorous require- 
 ments of fashion. 
 
 Then the jaunting around strange places interested me: 
 dreamy sails on the beautiful bay, winding around low, 
 velvety shores, or sand barrens that sparkled in the sum- 
 mer sunlight; foliage, rich and deep, vivid in color, and 
 varied by a thousand blooms; and the broad ocean, that 
 one never wearies of; the same, and yet ever changing. 
 
 At Cape May we found quite a host of notabilities. I 
 was more than ever struck with Mrs. Lawrence's tact and 
 power to please. She reminds me of old tales of those 
 wonderful French queens of society, who ruled with a 
 smile and a nod. And yet it seems singular that a woman 
 should care so little for love. I cannot understand it. I 
 wonder if I am weak to long for it so intensely! Life 
 would become an utter failure to me without some satisfy- 
 ing happiness. 
 
 Ayhner was a constant correspondent. His letters were 
 glowing with love and expectation, and I felt myself in-
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 175 
 
 sensibly drawn towards him. The Channings had gone 
 north, and made a brief sojourn at Newport : while there 
 Aylmer had met Miss Gertrude Hastings, who was turning 
 every one's head with her loveliness. Mrs. Varick was still 
 abroad. 
 
 Mr. St. John had been kind and companionable, but I 
 had shunned him considerably; I cannot tell exactly why, 
 only that he seemed always studying me, and I came to 
 have a nervous, apprehensive feeling regarding him. His 
 eyes go down to the depths of one's nature in those swift, 
 lightning glances, and I hardly felt sure enough of myself 
 to thus tolerate another's inspection. 
 
 We had barely reached Laurehvood and resumed our 
 accustomed state, when Mrs. Westervelt and Philip pre- 
 sented themselves. What a rush of old memories flooded 
 my heart at the sight of that sweet face ! She was so happy 
 in her son's joy, so fond, so thoroughly comfortable, that I 
 half envied Ellen the mother she was to find. 
 
 At Mont Argyle they had become quite reconciled to 
 Ellen's departure. Some news greeted me on my first visit 
 there that gave me a sudden start of astonishment. Hugh 
 had comforted himself with a bonnie Scotch lassie, and 
 would bring home his wife by Christmas tide. Ellen re- 
 joiced in this, and I was unfeignedly glad. Yet a peculiar 
 feeling blended with the satisfaction. In this brief while 
 he had forgotten his love for me that he thought of the 
 unchangeable and his ambition. lie had been found 
 worthy, of some other woman's affection, and there his 
 quest ended. 
 
 It was right, of course. I had not held out the slightest 
 hope, and the old dreams of me could be fraught with 
 pain only. Was love anything beyond a present satisfac- 
 tion ? Out of story-books did it last, remaining more 
 faithful to a dead hope than a living pleasure ? I felt like
 
 176 SYDNIE ADRIAXCE, OK 
 
 asking, with Wallenstein, "What pang is permanent with 
 man ? " 
 
 It is well that we can deck the old grave with new roses. 
 Are we not all creatures of transient emotions ? So I gave 
 Hugh a sister's benediction. 
 
 They were decidedly gay at Mont Argyle. Troops of 
 young people, three bridesmaids elect and their attendants, 
 for Mrs. Graham desired that everything should be done 
 in a manner befitting their position. Ellen was grave, 
 but sweet. Mrs. Westervelt thought her charming. I 
 compared this with my one experience, and felt that here 
 was promise of happiness indeed. 
 
 There was a good deal of going backwards and for- 
 wards. Philip was my attendant, generally. We took up 
 our old social intimacy, and I found very much to enjoy. 
 Even Mr. St. John thawed in this rich and genial atmos- 
 phere. 
 
 Philip and I were riding one afternoon his last day 
 of grace, I called it, for on the morrow he was to go to 
 Mont Argyle, and emerge from thence a Benedict. lie 
 had been unusually silent for some time, watching me 
 closely. I confess my spirits were rather riotous. 
 
 "What is there so peculiar about me?" I asked, at 
 length. 
 
 He suffered his rein to fall loosely over his horse's neck, 
 and glanced up, with a sorrowful light in his clear, hazel eyes. 
 
 " There is always something peculiar about you dif- 
 ferent from other women." 
 
 "I hate those compliments," I said, shortly. "I have- 
 not the vanity to consider myself better, so the comparison 
 is equivocal." 
 
 " I fancied once that I held the clew to your nature. 
 Some maze has been too tortuous for me. St. John said 
 something this morning that astonished me greatly."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 177 
 
 I felt my face crimson. What right had Mr. St. John 
 to discuss me Avith his friend ? 
 
 " Don't be vexed," he returned, as if he understood the 
 feeling which actuated me. " I half guessed, and made 
 him speak against his will. About this fancy " 
 
 " You must have been vastly amused by the description 
 of a young woman's love affairs," I interrupted, with a bit- 
 ter smile. "Mr. St. John has displayed a fine sense of 
 honor ! " 
 
 " I will not have you blame him. The fault was as 
 much mine. And we discussed nothing. He spoke of this 
 fancy " 
 
 " Since it hurts his tender conscience, I will call it by 
 its right name. Early last summer I became engaged to 
 lu's cousin, Mr. Channing; but as he did not approve suf- 
 ficiently, we are waiting with the utmost patience," 
 
 "Ami you love this Mr. Channing?" 
 
 " I will not submit to be questioned or dictated to," I 
 returned, angrily. " Whatever choice I make is for myself 
 alone." 
 
 " Sydnie ! " 
 
 " Am I incapable of judging what is proper for myself? 
 Do I understand my own feelings at all ? " 
 
 " Do you ? " The grave, tender face was turned to- 
 wards me, with an appealing expression that smote me 
 bitterly, 
 
 " You may have judged from false premises," he went 
 on, in a softer tone. " We all make mistakes sometimes." 
 
 "I believe Mr. Channing is a gentleman. Mrs. Law- 
 rence approves rny choice." 
 
 " And you confess that Mr. St. John does not? " 
 
 " He is unreasonable, and blinded by foolish prejudices." 
 
 "I met Mr. Channint' in August. I will concede that 
 
 o o 
 
 he is a most elegant and accomplished gentleman, a per- 
 12
 
 178 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OK 
 
 feet man of fashion, and admitted to be fascinating. His 
 attention appeared to be equally divided between the two 
 belles of the day, Miss Hastings, who, by the way, is 
 wonderfully beautiful, and a Miss Ray nor. 5 * 
 
 " Well," I said, with a provoking smile, " I am not at all 
 jealous. Mr. St. John stipulated that we should consider 
 ourselves entirely free. I am afraid if you bring him to 
 the strict letter of the law, I must plead guilty also to in- 
 dulging in sundry flirtations at Cape May." 
 
 " O, Sydnie, it pains me to see you so hard and cold. 
 Have you not enough confidence in your friends to be- 
 lieve that they desire your happiness above all other con- 
 siderations ? " 
 
 " When I seek it in their fashion, perhaps ; but I dare 
 to believe that I can judge the most wisely for myself." 
 
 "My dear friend, you are standing on the threshold of 
 that sweetest of all lives a woman's. With- your pecu- 
 liar organization, your capability for intense emotions, you 
 have great power for joy or sorrow. There is such a 
 heavenly influence in a true, earnest life. How will you 
 answer to your own soul if you pervert your good gifts 
 to inferior uses ? " 
 
 "I fancied you, of all others, thought love a woman's 
 highest glory, her purest spiritual development." 
 
 "When it ia love;" and he gave me a sad, furtive 
 glance. " Are you satisfied to accept the gay world a* 
 your poi'tion ? " 
 
 " I find it pleasant while one is young. When I tire of 
 it, I can take up the graver matters of life," I said, care- 
 lessly. 
 
 "It .maybe too late for happiness. I cannot bear to 
 have you trifle with these most sacred things. I want to 
 see the sweetness of your heart expand and ripen in 
 choicest fruitage. It is worthy of better sustenance than
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 179 
 
 these poor mockeries you thrust upon it. When I see 
 you yielding your life wholly to pleasure, bearing restraint 
 and truth so impatiently, I tremble for you." 
 
 " I do not feel it an imperative duty to fulfil every one's 
 extravagant desires concerning me," I said, coldly. 
 
 "How you have changed! Forgive my preaching. I 
 know it has annoyed you ; but I feel for you a most pro- 
 found and sacred friendship. O, if you could realize what 
 true and fervent hearts are interested in your welfare, you 
 would pause and hesitate ere you took any irremediable 
 step ! for with you a wreck would be terrible." 
 
 My blood seemed to falter slowly through my veins. I 
 was more deeply moved than I cared to show. Indeed 
 there was but one step to take to convince these two men 
 that I was not rushing madly to destruction. There was a 
 time when Mr. St. John might have saved me ; but he had 
 not cared. Even now his face rose before me in all ita 
 mocking pride and masterly strength. Confess to him 
 that I had been in the wrong ! Take his censures meekly I 
 No ; I could not swallow so bitter a draught. 
 
 "I suspect I am merely a commonplace woman after 
 all, since ordinary people and events have the power to 
 satisfy me. I am quite content to take life as it comes. 
 1 began with some Utopian ideas, but I have found them 
 of little account, and grown wiser." 
 
 "Quite satisfied you can say that?" 
 
 We had been ambling slowly along, and now he laid his 
 hand on the mane of my horse, looking steadily into my 
 eyes, his own torturing in the infinite depth of their 
 pathos. 
 
 " Satisfied ; " and I gave a gay nod. 
 
 "You have disappointed me bitterly, bitterly ; and not 
 only me " 
 
 I could bear no more, and, touching Selim, bounded
 
 180 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 away. Why did they nil conspire to drive me wild, to 
 make me do all manner of reckless deeds? I longed to 
 plunge into the cool, green forest, and shut them out of 
 my sight. Why had I ever come here to be tormented 
 with visions of bliss, and know they could never be mine, 
 to stretch forth my hand for the goMen fruit, and receive 
 only an empty husk? Whose fault was it? The tide of 
 circumstances had proved too strong for me. 
 
 As if to make amends, Philip was most gracious and 
 gentle that evening. Every look, every act, told me that 
 bis friendship would remain mine until the latest mo- 
 ment. If another had been thus kind in some of my 
 desperate needs! 
 
 The marriage was perfect, the party delightful. Philip 
 and Ellen started on their life journey amid showers of 
 congratulations and good wishes. The rest had a gala 
 time, the country element giving it a peculiar zest. 
 What dances and merriment ! General Graham was the 
 most charming of hosts. It was with no little pride that 
 he announced his expectations of doing this over again for 
 his son in a few months. I was pleased to be as great a 
 favorite as ever, to find that in the general joy no one 
 recurred to my unfortunate episode. 
 
 We were in quite a reasonable state of existence when 
 Aylmer made his appearance. I had been looking for- 
 ward to this with an inexplicable dread, but it vanished 
 speedily. Did I really love him more than I knew ? 
 
 "I have counted the days of my banishment," he said, 
 with his rapturous fervor. "Each one Drought me nearer 
 to you, my darling. How wearisome they have been to 
 me, tilled up with trifles, the one great joy always missed, 
 you can never know. But I have' you again, my own, my 
 own ! " 
 
 Was there anything to doubt here ? The kindling eye,
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 181 
 
 the glowing check, and tender voice gave no room for dis- 
 trust. And then, I never could make myself mistrustful 
 of him, no matter what others said. Was it the result of 
 overwhelming faith, or lack of that intense love which is 
 so easily tortured and depressed ? 
 
 The season was at the height of its glory. I believe 
 the sights and sounds of nature touched me more keenly 
 than any link connecting me with humanity. Laurel wood 
 was like a brilliant picture. Knolls of richest shrubbery, 
 burnished by the umber-softened sunshine of autumn; the 
 emerald tint of the lawns, broken by clusters of bright, 
 nodding blossoms; the drowsy babble of stream and 
 fountain, and over all skies of such royal loveliness! I 
 just wanted to ride and ramble continually, to live in the 
 present, and take no thought of the future. 
 
 "My darling, I have the most delightful tidings for you," 
 Aylmer said, one morning, drawing me out on the balcony, 
 bis own face suffused with joy and hope. "St. John has 
 consented to a marriage at any time we may appoint." 
 
 I hid my face on his shoulder, rejecting the kisses so 
 freely proffered. A bolt of destiny seemed to -strike and 
 transfix me. The sunshine fell at my feet with a cold 
 glitter; the very loveliness of the earth mocked me, 
 chilled me. 
 
 "The barrier between us and complete happiness no 
 longer exists. We are blest beyond compare. Why do 
 you not rejoice with me, dearest ?" And he strove to read 
 the secret I was thrusting into a nameless grave. 
 
 "It is so sudden," I murmured. 
 
 "O, my love, forgive my abruptness. One can hardly 
 come from such waiting to bliss at a bound." 
 
 "No," I said ; "I cannot make it real." 
 
 "It has been cruel in St. John to subject you to such a 
 trial. He is convinced at last of the truth of our regard."
 
 182 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 " Yes." It was a knell of hope to me. 
 
 " But you haven't told me how happy it renders you." 
 
 "Do you need words?" I asked, slowly. 
 
 "No, I can believe. I am not one of those miserable, 
 suspicious people who have no faith. You will find me 
 generous there, my darling." 
 
 Too generous. If he had demanded a fuller confession, 
 if he had made me feel the sacredness of the trust I was 
 accepting, it would have been much better for me. Was 
 it because the love was so tender, or the heart so easily 
 satisfied ? 
 
 " Let us take a turn in the grounds," I said, for I felt if 
 I stood another instant in his careless embrace, I must 
 break away from it, or utter some wild cry motion, 
 change, anything! 
 
 " You don't feel this as I do," he went on. " Why, I am 
 all in a quiver of joyous excitement. The very trees seem 
 to dance before my vision, and the birds never sang such 
 marvellous songs." 
 
 " I suppose I take matters more quietly. I wonder if 
 we are really suited to each other ? " I said, with an effort. 
 
 "I shall not allow you to think treason;" and he gave 
 me a bright, winsome smile. 
 
 "Ife is well to consider " 
 
 "I will not have you growing grave when I have reached 
 the summit of earthly hope. St. John has sulked, and 
 been morose as a bear, considering; so we really have no 
 hard work to do. I am glad he at last consents to be 
 decently gracious; and now, my darling, you have only to 
 name the day. I am most anxious to take you into my 
 keeping." 
 
 Unconsciously I had been making this very consent a 
 sort of test. I asked myself, as I had many times before, 
 if it was at all probable that I should meet with the very
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 183 
 
 destiny that I desired above all others ? I would marry 
 some time, the most of women did ; and since this had 
 come to me, since I could render Aylmer supremely happy 
 and have a charming life myself, why go on waiting for 
 impossible events? 
 
 " It takes you a long while to think of the day," he said, 
 playfully. 
 
 " There is no need of haste," I returned, almost coldly. 
 
 "But listen, love. It was May when we were first en- 
 gaged, now it is September. Surely you do not need to 
 test my affection after this probation ! I do not see any 
 necessity for delay." 
 
 "We will not attempt too much in one day," I said, 
 with a poor effort at gayety. " I must have a talk with 
 Mrs. Lawrence." 
 
 " And she is my strongest ally. I shrewdly suspect she 
 converted St. John to our mode of thinking." 
 
 We rambled through the walks, he so engrossed with 
 his own feelings that he never sought to fathom mine. I 
 
 o o 
 
 could illy have borne the scrutiny; and yet, so unreason- 
 able are we, the very leniency annoyed me. 
 
 " I cannot spare you a moment," he said, as I made a 
 motion to go indoors. " If you knew how much I longed 
 for you, you would make the delay brief as possible. Be 
 merciful ! " 
 
 My heart smote me for my waywardness .and want of 
 faith. I made a new resolve that I would give him the 
 love I owed, the duty our promise demanded. 
 
 "So it is all settled," Mrs. Lawrence exclaimed, as I 
 entered her room. "My dear, I congratulate you. Such 
 a brilliant marriage, too ! I expended my utmost elo- 
 quence upon Stuart last night, and convinced him that he 
 was seriously interfering with your happiness ; and this 
 morning I was delighted to find him in a more amiable
 
 184 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 frame of mind. Why he should ever have acted so fool- 
 ishly I cannot divine." 
 
 Was there ,'iny cause underlying his solicitude for me? 
 
 " Aylmer is wild with delight. I don't believe I could 
 have found a happier destiny for you. And it will make 
 no rupture in our friendship. I have really grown attached 
 to you, and feel perfectly satisfied with your prospects." 
 
 When the bell rang for lunch, I found Aylmer waiting 
 in the hall. His manner had acquired something quite 
 new, a certain air of possession that gave him the posi- 
 tion he had lacked before as a lover. I was not sure but 
 the majority would consider him more attractive than Mr. 
 St. John in all his gloomy dignity. 
 
 I felt a little awkward and confused, but Mrs, Lawrence's 
 fine tact covered this admirably. Aylmer showed no dis- 
 position to triumph, and in my heart I thanked him for the 
 generosity. 
 
 Mr. St. John took no notice of me until evening, then 
 he did dci^n to congratulate me in a formal manner, and 
 assure me of his interest in my welfare. I could see that 
 it was a mere matter of duty. 
 
 The next day we fell into some dispute, trifling enough 
 at first, but he .soon exasperated me by his cool, satirical 
 sentences. Pie talked at me rather than to me some- 
 thing of high aims forsaken, noble purposes perverted, the 
 great trust of life betrayed. He made such bitter, sweep- 
 ing assertions, he was so manifestly unjust, that I abso- 
 lutely shrunk from the hard, narrow soul, whose glamour 
 had once so nearly conquered mine. Where had I found 
 anything lovable in him? What tenderness or generosity 
 could a woman expect who ventured to disagree with him 
 in never so slight a particular? Aylmer was right no 
 cne could be happy with such a tyrant. 
 
 I believe I should have been well satisfied but for the
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 185 
 
 talk of marriage. Ayliner's plan caught Mrs. Lawrence's 
 attention at once that immediately after our wedding we 
 were to go to Washington. The winter promised to be 
 unusually gay. In that case Mrs. Lawrence would spend 
 a mouth or two there also. 
 
 "A most auspicious debut," Mrs. Lawrence declared. 
 " The fates seem to place everything desirable in your 
 way. Next summer you can go abroad and win tri- 
 umphs." 
 
 As if I was to consider only the attention I excited ! 
 Did this homage ever satisfy a woman's heart? 
 
 " I believe you like cross, sullen, and uncomfortable peo- 
 ple," Aylmer said one day, " or you would be glad to many 
 and go away, just to escape the glowering looks of St. 
 John. He cannot endure the sight of happiness." 
 
 Did ever a woman like taunts better than love? 
 
 Every day the net seemed drawing more closely around 
 me. What was I waiting for hope of escape? 
 
 Now and then I examined my heart. I did desire to 
 love Aylmer Channing, and I felt comparatively satisfied. 
 Why should a stray glance of Mr. St. John's have power 
 to disturb me ? 
 
 "Stuart," Aylmer said, at length, "I want you to assure 
 Miss Adriance that you feel perfectly satisfied to yield 
 your claim as her guardian in my behalf. She cannot re- 
 solve to decide upon the exact period when I may take her 
 into my keeping." 
 
 " You are mistaken when you suppose that anything I 
 could say would influence Miss Adriance," Mr. St. John 
 replied, with a little hauteur. 
 
 " You will say it, at least ? " 
 
 * Ayliner's voice was boyishly pleading, and his lustrous 
 eyes glanced up with infinite entreaty. 
 
 " Miss Adriance knows that if I had not been entirely
 
 186 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OK 
 
 convinced of the fact that her happiness depended upon 
 tlii.s marriage, I should not liave consented." 
 
 " There, you hear, Sydnie ! When everything and every- 
 body conspire to make you happy, why will you resist ? " 
 and he turned in triumph. 
 
 " You are all in such urgent haste ; " and I tried to 
 laugh. 
 
 " I've settled upon Christmas, Stuart." 
 
 " I don't sec what objection Miss Adriance can make to 
 the time, if she means to marry at all." 
 
 Mr. St John's face was calm as he spoke, but his eyes 
 shrouded in impenetrable reticence. Yet something warned 
 me that I was at the very verge of a volcano. 
 
 " Have it as you like," I said, carelessly. 
 
 " O, thank you a thousand times ! Lsabelle, I have won ! " 
 and Aylmer's voice trembled with the deep excitement of 
 satisfaction. 
 
 I took half a dozen steps towards him, and laid my hand 
 in his, saying, in a tone of emotion, 
 
 "God willing, I consent to become your wife that day." 
 
 Awful words, that bound me irrevocably ! I fancied 
 that I had made the last struggle then, and was at peace. 
 
 Aylmer snatched my hand and pressed it to his lips rap- 
 turously. But another revelation greeted my astonished 
 vision : St. John's hands met in a passionate, nervous clasp, 
 and his intense eyes settled upon Aylmer as if he could 
 have hurled him to the uttermost part of the earth, so 
 fierce and terrible that I stood positively magnetized, my 
 very breath chilled. And then glance encountered glance. 
 Was it love, or hate, or disdain, or revenge, that we read 
 in each other's eyes? 
 
 "Heaven help us both," I felt tempted to cry. 
 
 lie walked carelessly out of the room.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 187 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 " What mirncle 
 
 Can work me into hope ? Heaven here is bankrupt 
 The wondering gods blush at their want of power,' 
 And, quite abashed, confess they cannot help me." 
 
 NAT LEE. 
 
 "Mr dear Sydnie, you have come to your senses at 
 last," Mrs. Lawrence commenced, with a smile. " I am 
 thoroughly glad. But there are only three months in 
 which to prepare; so we must be expeditious." 
 
 " Three months ! Why, one could be married a hundred 
 times in that period." 
 
 "I suppose so, if the ceremony were all. The engage- 
 ment had better be announced immediately." 
 
 "Announced ! " I exclaimed, aghast. 
 
 "A very short lime, I assure you. You will be busy 
 shopping and having sewing done, and go very little into 
 society." 
 
 " I don't expect to begin wedding dresses until Decem- 
 ber at least," I said, positively ; "and I do hate to be gos- 
 siped about. Three weeks will be the utmost limit of my 
 endurance." 
 
 " What are you thinking of?" And her soft eyes opened 
 in unbounded astonishment. 
 
 "Thinking that no announcement or wedding dresses 
 will be made lor the next two months. Aylmer goes 
 home to-morrow, and we shall return to our usual life." 
 
 "This is most unreasonable." 
 
 " Most reasonable, it appears to me. Twenty things may
 
 188 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 occur death, disagreement, changes. I don't want to 
 hear one word of the matter outside of Laurelwood. I 
 mean to take all the comfort and pleasure that belong to 
 Miss Adriance proper; and the first of December I promise 
 to deliver myself into your hands, and become the most 
 pliable young woman you ever saw." 
 
 " What a singular girl ! " 
 
 "Yes, I am singular. It is the last gasp of expiring 
 liberty." 
 
 "One would think you did not wish to be married." 
 
 " I believe I don't : but it's a woman's destiny ; and what 
 matters a few years, sooner or later?" 
 
 " You do love Aylmer?" 
 
 " As well, perhaps, as I am capable of loving any one. 
 I've almost become a convert to your faith. He will make 
 a charming husband, fond, indulgent, and all that, and I 
 shall, no doubt, settle into a sensible wife. The old belief 
 was all a farce the chimera of a school-girl's brain." 
 
 She glanced at me in silence. 
 
 " Dear Mrs. Lawrence," and my tone softened, " be pa- 
 tient with me this brief while. Only, I don't want the 
 talk and the congratulations until the latest moment." 
 
 "We shall have to do something, though. We couldn't 
 more than make the dresses in three weeks." 
 
 " Do all that can be done quietly, then. Save the fuss 
 and the tumult to the very last." 
 
 With this we compromised. 
 
 Aylmer and I parted tenderly, after the fashion of lov- 
 ers. Was I hypocritical and insincere ? Heaven knows 
 that I was honest in my resolve that I meant to use my 
 utmost endeavors to make this man happy, when he laid 
 " his sleeping life within my hands." But this restless mood 
 tortured me into strange phantasies. 
 
 Mr. St. John was polite, interested in all that demanded
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 189 
 
 his concern ; but cold and withdrawn into self abstracted. 
 He might have experienced a, momentary twinge of jeal- 
 ousy concerning Aylmer, but he had not been moved 
 thereto by any love for me. Every day I realized this 
 more and more. No betrayal, no weak moment of tender- 
 ness, no longing. A great gulf was between. 
 
 And yet I lived through the two months very comfort- 
 ably. The old gayetics seemed to have a fresh zest for 
 me. I was brilliant, attractive, and glittering, like an ice- 
 peak in the sun of a mid-winter noon. Nothing seemed 
 to warm me to touch me with that enkindling spark 
 of humanity which brings all souls to a level. So the days 
 sped along. 
 
 With the first of December came Aylmer; 
 
 " My darling," he said, " how wonderfully beautiful you 
 have grown ! but there's a look about it that almost fright- 
 ens one." 
 
 " Do you fancy that I shall melt into a shadow ethe- 
 rialize ? " 
 
 "No, not that: the Scotch have a good word for it 
 uncanny." 
 
 I laughed. 
 
 " You'll set all Washington to raving about you this 
 winter." 
 
 " Well, if I soar too high, you can clip my wings, you 
 know." 
 
 " I shall never want to do that, my darling. Believe that 
 I shall be proud of all the admiration you win." 
 
 So generous, so delighted in the success of another. 
 I tried to make him feel that I appreciated his tenderness. 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence was in her element. I verily believe she 
 and Aylmer were much more concerned about the respec- 
 tive elegance of silks, laces, and jewels than I. The whole 
 thing seemed incongruous to me. That one should care
 
 190 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 so much for the adornment of the body, so little for the 
 aliment of the soul ! After the excitement was over, what 
 then? After one wearied of dresses and revels and idle 
 compliments, what could appease this restless, gnawing 
 hunger? 
 
 Matters went on to everybody's satisfaction, except that 
 it rained continually and kept us indoors. 
 
 " Do you realize the date, and how fast the month is 
 going ? " Mrs. Lawrence asked, one morning. 
 
 "Why? Are you counting on the moon to make a 
 change in the weather?" and Aylmer yawned. "I verily 
 believe the sun has forgotten how to shine?" 
 
 O 
 
 " It is the tenth, and not an invitation directed." 
 
 "There's plenty of time," I said, quickly. 
 ."None to spare, at least." 
 
 " I wish people could get married without all this foolish 
 fuss and talk," I exclaimed, petulantly. 
 
 Aylmer glanced up. " I believe this vile weather affects 
 you, too. The first respectable morning we will take a good 
 long gallop, and bring ourselves back to serenity." 
 
 " Well," I said, with an effort, " let us amuse ourselves 
 counting up our dear five hundred friends." 
 
 With that we adjourned to the library. Aylmer was 
 quite out of spirits, more so than I had ever seen him. 
 There might be many rainy days to life what then? 
 
 Moralizing over one's wedding cards was not quite the 
 thing. 
 
 Presently we all became interested. The lists were gone 
 over by each one, all the additions made, and St. John of- 
 fered to direct them. Aylrner amused himself writing a 
 few, then sauntered up and down the room. A sky of 
 hopeless gray, drooping so low that it seemed to envelop 
 the tree tops; a drizzling, uncomfortable rain, and a melan- 
 choly wail through the distant pines. More than once the
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 191 
 
 vision of Annt Mildred's death crossed ray mind. How 
 strangp that I should think of it now ! 
 
 We lingered over our lunch, we strolled throngh draw- 
 ing-room and conservatory, counted the flowers we might 
 expect to blossom in time, went to dinner without any 
 appetites, dawdled through the dessert, and at last lights 
 were brought in. 
 
 " What a musty old hermit St. John is!" Ayhncr said, 
 pettishly. " If he had not gone off to his den, we might 
 have had a game of whist." 
 
 "I will send for him," Mrs. Lawrence rejoined. 
 
 "No, don't; his high mightiness would only feel bored. 
 Commend me to a city in rainy weather, say I. Sydnie, 
 suppose you sing." 
 
 I went to the piano, mistrusting my voice, but I deter- 
 mined to make the effort. It was a failure, and he ner- 
 vously critical on this evening. 
 
 " You are dreadfully out of tune," he commented, pres- 
 ently. 
 
 I rose angrily : my first impulse was to leave the room ; 
 then I reconsidered, and crossed over to the sofa. What a 
 handsome face this was, thrown into clear relief by the 
 crimson pillow! An exterior merely : the soul was narrow, 
 dark, ill-governed, with no resources in itself. Could I 
 minister to it, could I endure it for years and years? 
 
 " How dull you are to night." 
 
 This time I was wounded. I stood irresolute, every pulse 
 within me mutinous, and rising to a white heat. 
 
 "My darling," he said, with sudden softness, and drew 
 me to a seat beside him. "When we get to Washington 
 we shall be as gay as larks. I only wish Christmas came 
 sooner." 
 
 The fondness had lost its flavor. Kisses were weak and 
 insipid. There were no true and fervent depths in him to
 
 192 'SYDNIE ADEIANCE, OR 
 
 be roused by love. All that I had been trying to make 
 myself believe vanished in an instant and left a hideous 
 blank. Already we had come to the dregs. In time, 
 when utterly weaned with his vapidness and trifles, I 
 might even hate him. I shivered at the thought. 
 
 " You're not well," he said. " This miserable weather 
 has given you a cold. Isabelle, I can't have her looking 
 like a fright on her wedding day." 
 
 " Never fear," I answered, bravely, and with a touch of 
 scorn. 
 
 " I think it would be as sensible to retire as sitting up 
 here playing stupid," Mrs. Lawrence remarked ; and we 
 accordingly dispersed. 
 
 I went to my own room, and in a burst of passionate 
 emotion buried my face in the pillow of the lounge. The 
 wild wind blew tempestuous gusts of rain against the win- 
 dows, and then moaned off down to the hollows with a 
 desolate wail. I pressed my hands to my burning, throb- 
 bing temples. Not a tear came, but a long, hysteric sob 
 tore its way up from my very soul. 
 
 Circumstances had betrayed me into this engagement, 
 but must I go on and consummate my misery? Was there 
 no strong hand to snatch me from this fateful destiny? 
 Did I dare pray to God? 
 
 O, I had trifled so with life, with myself! I had per- 
 verted the holiest desires of my woman's heart, stooped to 
 gather shining sand that the next wave might wasli away. 
 With great capacities for happiness I had wrought evil 
 only, and now I was whirled helplessly along the great 
 stream of life, no one caring for the wreck. The time 
 foretold by my one best fiiend had come upon me, and I 
 was overwhelmed. 
 
 Something rose above the storm without and within. 
 My tense nerves caught the sound a low, sweet strain,
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 193 
 
 Buch as a summer wind sings in the lap of greenest mead- 
 ows ; flower wreaths shaking out faintest perfumes, mur- 
 murous leaves touched by a soft south wind. Then it 
 grew stronger, firmer, as if animated by a living soul a 
 child in careless play, rambling over mountain wilds, prodi- 
 gal of youth and all that youth holds dear; gay, joyous, 
 soaring on the wings of fancy, quivering with every breath, 
 easily moved alike to joy or tears. 
 
 I forgot the storm and my own misery. I raised my 
 face and listened with absorbing interest. 
 
 Girded with the fearlessness of youth that has courage 
 for all things, it went gayly onward. By-ways enticed it, 
 mountain tops glittering with brightness hurried it, beguil- 
 ing voices of sirens sang their tender songs, and then the 
 real struggle began. The storm, the strange melody, the 
 war in my own heart how it thrilled me with contend- 
 ing emotions ! 
 
 There was a lull in the tempest of passion. I heard the 
 calm, sweet voice of the earlier days imploring, then the 
 din and wrangle of bitter strife a strange, awesome wail 
 as of a soul in peril. Who would gain in -tins mighty 
 battle ? 
 
 The gentle voice returned. It was Peace crowned as a 
 victor. The storm of passion died away, and in its place 
 lingered a sweet, ineffable calm. 
 
 Was that solemn chant of life prophetic? I was kneel- 
 ing in the brooding silence with clasped hands and tearful 
 eyes. Could I yet be saved ? 
 
 There was a sky of azure and a golden sun the next 
 morning. I felt faint, as one who has kept too long a 
 vigil, and yet I lay in a hush of dreamy contentment, as 
 13
 
 194 STDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 if the crisis of ray life had passed, and my heart, like the 
 dove of old, had found rest. Had I the courage to put my 
 latent resolve into execution ? 
 
 I dressed slowly, and went down stairs. The letters 
 detained by the storm of the preceding day had just 
 arrived. 
 
 " I intended to see you before you went," Mrs. Law- 
 rence was saying to the servant. " There is a great pack- 
 age of mail matter that must be sent immediately." 
 
 While she was speaking, Aylmer started towards me, 
 nodding gayly, his face wreathed in sweetest smiles. My 
 heart wavered so that its beating became audible. Could 
 I give him a traitorous glance, promising hope ? 
 
 He paused and took up a letter, breaking the seal hasti- 
 ly. A quick cry passed his lips. 
 
 "What?" Mrs. Lawrence was startled by the ashen 
 brow. 
 
 "My father! Dead! Merciful heavens!" 
 
 Mr. St. John joined the group. There was no mistaking 
 his solicitude. 
 
 "Dead!" Mrs. Lawrence repeated, raising her eyes in 
 consternation. 
 
 He handed the note to St. John a hasty telegram that 
 made known only the merest facts. 
 
 "I must go immediately, you see;" and Aylmer's voice 
 had a strange wandering sound. " The first train." Then 
 he came around to me. 
 
 "These festivities must be delayed," I said, in a low 
 tone. 
 
 " A bad omen ; " and he smiled faintly. 
 
 " No matter now." 
 
 u It is best. No one would want a wedding at such a 
 gloomy time. And then, everything will have to be 
 changed."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 195 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " My darling, this is most unfortunate." 
 
 "I am inexpressibly shocked," Mrs. Lawrence said. 
 "You have our warmest sympathies, Aylmer;" and she 
 clasped his hand. 
 
 " I will write soon and let you know " 
 
 " We had better give up our present arrangements," I 
 remarked, decisively. "You can tell nothing surely as 
 yet." 
 
 Mr. St. John's eyes met mine with a glance that thrilled 
 and terrified. 
 
 " You have been saved," it said plainly, and I am sure 
 mine answered, even at the risk of betraying all that was 
 in my soul. 
 
 It was a melancholy breakfast, and the parting was sad 
 enough. Something in Aylmer's clinging love touched 
 me inexpressibly. Had I misjudged him the night before? 
 
 "Could anything have been more unfortunate?" be- 
 wailed Mrs. Lawrence, as she ordered the elegant dresses 
 to be folded away. "I think with Aylmer, that it is an 
 unlucky omen ; but I hope it will end rightly." 
 
 " It will ; rest assured of that," I said, confidently. 
 
 I was glad to get every reminder out of my sight. 
 There was the wraith-like veil and orange blossoms 
 would they ever be needed? 
 
 Aylmer wrote as soon as he reached home. His father 
 had been ill only a few days, not considered at all danger- 
 ous until within an hour or two of his death. He found 
 his step-mother plunged into the deepest grief. Her sis- 
 ter, Miss Raynor, was with her at the lime. I remembered 
 her as one of the Newport belles mentioned by Philip. 
 
 The Christmas that was to have been my wedding day 
 we spent very quietly. Another change had come over 
 Mr. St. John. Instead of shunning me, he seemed to seek
 
 196 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 my society, escort me out, evinced iriiieli interest in my 
 comfort, and was uniformly gentle. 
 
 How many events had crowded themselves into the 
 brief space of a year! I hardly appeared to myself the 
 same person. And now the sense of coming freedom gave 
 me a singular buoyancy. How it was to be brought about 
 I hardly knew, but it was a sure hope to my hitherto bur- 
 dened heart. 
 
 In the evening, Mr. St. John seated himself at the organ 
 and played Milton's grand old Hymn of the Nativity. 
 
 "Will you try it?" he asked, presently ; and I sang, 
 blending my voice with his full, deep tones. There was a 
 light directly in front of the organ, but the far corners of 
 the r(Jom were in a dim, twilight shade. The grand, swell- 
 ing melody roused all the worship of my nature. I felt as 
 if I could have listened and sung forever. 
 
 " How the music stirs you," he said, in a soft, pleased 
 voice. 
 
 I thought of another night, and a most peculiar ex- 
 perience. 
 
 "This appeals to me in a powerful manner," I an- 
 swered. 
 
 The eyes, charged with luminous light, were turned full 
 upon me. 
 
 " You played one night some time ago " and I paused. 
 
 "Yes. You liked it?" 
 
 " I cannot tell you how it moved me. It seemed the 
 struggle of a human soul." 
 
 " It was. A soul in bondage freeing itself." 
 
 He uttered the words slowly. All the fascination he 
 had ever possessed for me returned with renewed force. 
 Something within me confessed the man my master. 
 
 He rose and faced me as if he would have spoken, then 
 took two or three turns across the room.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 197 
 
 "I wonder if any human soul is strong enough to force 
 its way out to the light?" he asked, abruptly. 
 
 " I think it is," I made answer. 
 
 From that night I date a new life, as it were. I began 
 to see my mistakes more clearly. Pride and self-love had 
 led me far astray, and I had many tortuous paths to re- 
 trace. How little advancement I had made in any path 
 of usefulness ! 
 
 I experienced many misgivings concerning Aylmer. 
 For a few weeks his letters were frequent and extrava- 
 gantly fond. I answered them in a spirit of tenderest 
 sympathy, because just then coldness would have seemed 
 cruel, but I purposely refrained from positive declarations 
 of affection. I confess to a little pang when I found they 
 passed unremarked. No woman likes to own herself so 
 poor in power over a lover's heart that the withdrawal of 
 tenderness is no longer capable of giving pain. He ap- 
 peared to be much engrossed with his step-mother and 
 the business, which was rather complicated. He even 
 ceased to make excuses about the visit, and no longer 
 referred to the marriage. 
 
 I lacked the courage for an overt act. It was so diffi- 
 cult to make issue with him. I fancied that when we met 
 it could be more easily done. Perhaps, too, I was afraid 
 that Ayluicr would prefer an appeal to his cousins, and 
 drag me into a painful explanation, so I waited in wretched 
 indecision, resolved upon one thing only that I would 
 not become Aylmer Channing's wife. 
 
 \Ve were less gay than usual, as Mrs. Lawrence was 
 indisposed for several weeks, yet the time passed very 
 pleasantly, and ere I was hardly aware spring dawned 
 upon us. 
 
 One day I was startled by a letter from Mrs. Otis, so 
 different was it from her usual epistles. I thought they
 
 198 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 all had a strained and wearied air, as if she was striving 
 for peace continually, and yet failed to attain that high 
 satisfaction. But this was bright, sunny, and hopeful. 
 She asked me to come and help her keep a new and better 
 wedding-day on the anniversary of the old. The whole 
 current of her life had changed. 
 
 Another sentence held me in a strange, cold grasp. It 
 was this : " Is it selfish, dear, to rejoice that your engage- 
 ment is broken ? I seem to understand a woman's needs 
 so much better than I did a year ago, that I feel now, bril- 
 liant and fascinating as Aylmer Channing is, he could never 
 render any true, loving, and loyal woman permanently 
 happy. To come to the dregs when one has expected a 
 draught of clear, rich wine, would be terrible." 
 
 I had announced to her that the marringe was delayed ; 
 since then neither of us had mentioned it. She must have 
 learned this from some other source, and in a moment I 
 was all anxiety to know the truth. So I proposed a brief 
 visit, in which Mrs. Lawrence acquiesced, but Mr. St. John 
 was instantly annoyed. 
 
 " How easily you tire of Laurel wood," he said, captiously. 
 " Women can never be satisfied unless they are in the 
 midst of excitement." 
 
 " We shall be quiet enough," I returned. " I shall see 
 less society than I do here." 
 
 "But more dangerous! For conscience' sake, Miss 
 Adriance, don't bring home another lover." 
 
 That was bitter. " I assure you I am not likely to," I 
 returned, haughtily. 
 
 " There is some sensible advice in the old couplet, 
 
 ' It's good to be off with the old love, 
 Before you are on with the new.' " 
 
 I felt the sarcasm in his voice, but I would not allow it
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 199 
 
 to ruffle me. O, if we could but be friends, patient, true, 
 and tender! For a moment I was tempted to confess my 
 difficulties to him, to admit my wants and weakness. 
 His faithless smile deterred me. There was no safe middle 
 ground for us. 
 
 I found Anne wonderfully improved. At first I could 
 hardly credit my senses. Bright, winsome, and girlish, in 
 a phase that she had never exhibited before. Even at 
 school she had always been grave. 
 
 " You must be supremely happy," I said, with a pang at 
 my own confessed lack of such inspiration. 
 
 " Not quite that, but reasonably so," she answered, with, 
 a smile. 
 
 " And you have reversed the order of things fallen in 
 love with your own husband." 
 
 She flushed daintily. 
 
 " I believe I begin to understand some of the great 
 truths of life. And I think " with a little falter, "that I 
 always cared more for him than I really knew. It has 
 been a thorny, confused path, and sometimes I nearly lost 
 the way; but what matter, since the end is clear and 
 bright." 
 
 " You really love him you are perfectly satisfied ?" I 
 asked the question with sudden curiosity. I was eager to 
 know how complete one's belief might become. 
 
 " I can answer your question truthfully ; " and the sweet 
 eyes drooped with love's own shyness. 
 
 " I must hear the story, Anne," 
 
 We were in her sitting-room, a cosy little place, bright 
 with sunshine, and in each window a hanging basket filled 
 with trailing vines and some gny tropical blossoms. The 
 home-like air impressed me. No stiff formality of arrange- 
 ment, no lack of cheerful ease. 
 
 " It isn't much of a story. Who was it that said some
 
 200 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 people wrote idyls, others Jived them? I fancy I must ex- 
 press all truths by living them." 
 
 " The only right way ; " and I sighed a little. 
 
 "You are not unhappy?" She knelt beside me, and 
 clasped my hand in hers, looking up with fond, question- 
 ing eyes. 
 
 "I am not happy, or even comfortable. Like you, I have 
 gone astray in thorny paths, though I had not your ex- 
 cuse. I suspect I must lay the blame upon my own way- 
 wardness." 
 
 She made no reply; and after a moment, I added, 
 " Why did you fancy my engagement was broken, Anne ? " 
 
 " Is it not?" Her bright cheek paled suddenly. 
 
 " Not a word of the kind has been spoken on either 
 side." 
 
 " Sydnie ! " Then her look of surprise gave way to one 
 of grief. " Forgive me," she said, slowly. " I have wound- 
 ed you most unconsciously. Let us forget it ; only believe 
 that I am sincerely sorry." 
 
 " What do you know ? " 
 
 I held the sweet face within my hands, and fathomed 
 the pure eyes. Some secret that she could not entirely 
 conceal lay within their depths. 
 
 " I must know. It is of vital importance to me," and 
 the strength of my nature overpowered hers. 
 
 "I will tell you the truth," and she made an effort to 
 steady her trembling voice : " Mrs. Channing has a young 
 and beautiful sister, whose fascinations, it was said, exer- 
 cised a powerful influence over Aylmer last summer at 
 Newport. Since Mr. Channing's death she has been Mrs. 
 Channing's constant companion. Aylmer has been at home 
 all the time, and the rumor is that as soon as propriety will 
 admit, a marriage is to take place. And, my darling, I do 
 not think it mere careless, gossip. It came well authenti- 
 cated to ine."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 201 
 
 * And do you believe it true ofhim? n I asked. 
 
 "Must I be cruel, dear? My eyes have been opened, 
 Sydnie, though I know women do not generally show their 
 wounds to one another. He gave me a cruel thrust early 
 in the battle of life, and yet it is only this winter past that 
 I have realized the depth, the pain that might have been 
 mine, and, thank God, was not. Don't fancy me actuated 
 by any old soreness. To-day I should be glad to see you 
 happy with him, but this I do not believe any woman can 
 ever be. He lacks the grand element that hallows all 
 love constancy." 
 
 "And yet he was once your ideal," I said, almost re- 
 proachfully. 
 
 " Yes, he was. I will admit that, and more. There was 
 a time when one word more would have won me irrev- 
 ocably. Circumstances alone prevented it. He used all 
 the arts so natural with him, and if 1 had not been re- 
 strained by a sense of my inability to hold anything so 
 brilliant and supply its needs, I must have yieldedi When 
 we met again the charm was gone. He had satisfied him- 
 self, perhaps, and no longer cared for my feeble incense. 
 By some strange process we became friends. He still be- 
 wildered me with his beauty and dangerous sweetness; 
 but since I had no expectations, I lingered in the glare, with 
 a peculiar sense of security. Then came my engagement 
 with Mr. Otis, I accepted him partly to please papa, partly 
 because I did feel very grateful, and a good deal from the 
 firm belief that he loved me, and would be much better 
 satisfied with a quiet regard than none at all. I hate my- 
 self for it all now;" and she made a sudden gesture of 
 abhorrence. " I had not seen Mr. Channing for some 
 months, but an accidental current drifted him to my vi- 
 cinity. He had heard of my engagement, and congratu- 
 lated me warmly. It is his misfortune that he should
 
 202 - SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OK 
 
 always seem so earnest, so interested, for it misleads others. 
 During the summer before, there had been some playful 
 badinage at my cousin's about standing at our marriages, 
 he gayly promising to perform the kind office when needed. 
 She accepted him at once, as her bridal was at hand. He 
 referred to this jestingly, and a sudden resolve came into 
 my mind. I would ask you, and judge in what estimate 
 dispassionate eyes held him. Remember that then I 
 admired him to the utmost, and had never felt inclined to 
 blame him for not loving me. I understood all our differ- 
 ences too plainly. I could never satisfy a nature that 
 demanded such incessant variety. 
 
 "If I had possessed sufficient courage, I should have 
 confessed the truth to Mr. Otis. It was not that I really 
 loved any one else, but that I did not love him. I was 
 so afraid of giving him pain. And then the explanations 
 loomed up like a huge mountain, and terrified me. I could 
 never undertake them. Unconsciously you touched upon 
 the secret, sensitive chords of my nature in on%of our many 
 talks, and then I felt I must go on at all hazard." 
 
 " My poor Anne," I interrupted. " How could you con- 
 ceal all this misery under such a cheerful demeanor?" 
 
 " It did not seem to require any effort then ; besides, I 
 was only negatively wretched. I had no sharp, positive 
 pangs'such as reveal the soul. It was harder afterwards ; " 
 and her voice faltered. 
 
 " "Well," I said, " after you were married ? " 
 
 " Mr. Otis was very kind and considerate. He provided 
 every luxury, every pleasure, made me feel that I was per- 
 fectly free to spend as much time at home as I wished ; in 
 short, demanded nothing of me. Instead of drawing nearer 
 together, the insensible breach between us widened, until 
 it could be distinctly perceived. It gave me a thrill of 
 nameless terror. What could I do ? I felt so helpless, so
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 203 
 
 lost, as if I were floating in a great unknown sea, without 
 chart or compass. 
 
 ^" And then a very simple incident occurred. Mr. Otis 
 was compelled to go east on some business. The weather 
 being unfavorable, I did not accompany him. Ten days 
 only, and yet it seemed interminable. I missed the tender- 
 ness, the watchful care, the sure support that I needed more 
 and more every day. While I was in this mood, one of 
 those fearful railroad accidents happened that shock every- 
 body. I hardly thought of it as concerning myself, until I 
 received a telegram from Mr. Otis. He had escaped un- 
 hurt, by a miracle, he said. 
 
 " A sudden burst of remorseful tenderness rushed over 
 me. Are there such things in love as instant conversions ? 
 If he had been brought home dead, I hardly think it would 
 have moved me as deeply. I experienced a most intense 
 and agonizing desire to see him, to tell him that my soul 
 had been kindled with some deep inward fire, and longed 
 to answer the needs of his. I could see the loneliness of 
 the spiritual life to which I had condemned him by my 
 coldness and reserve. I felt then that I did love him truly, 
 and I was wild to show it by words as well as works. Ah, 
 I cannot tell you how I waited. I even sent the children 
 home. For the first time in my life I wished to be alone 
 with him, so that no indifferent eye should look upon the 
 sacredness of our meeting. It seemed as if he would never 
 come. The train had been detained, and it was quite late 
 in the evening when he arrived. The servant admitted 
 him in the hall, and then he came straight to the sitting- 
 room. I sprang up, and was folded to his heart, but I could 
 not speak for sobs that well nigh strangled me. 
 
 " ' My precious wife,' he exclaimed, ' are these tears for 
 me ? ' And there was a depth in his tone that I had never 
 heard before. It fairly trembled, and the strong arms shook 
 as if with an ague.
 
 204 SYDNIE ADEIANCE, OR 
 
 " Ab, well, one can never remember just what one does 
 in tbese great straits of life. Perbaps it is as well ; " and 
 tbe crimson flushes deepened from brow to throat. "An^d 
 all the while, Sydnie, he feared that I bad loved Aylmer 
 hopelessly. At least be began to mistrust just before our 
 marriage." 
 
 "Yet be dared to risk the chances?" 
 
 "He loved me so, dear. I can never be sufficiently 
 grateful for all tbe patient kindness. And it seems as if I 
 had not understood Aylmer until lately. He makes a 
 changeful holiday feast of love, forgetting that it must be 
 a woman's daily bread, too often rendered black and bitter 
 by man's selfishness. My dear friend, have I pained you 
 beyond forgiveness?" 
 
 " It was right for me to know this. And now I will be 
 equally honest, even if the confession is humiliating. I 
 have not really loved him. Two weeks before our ap- 
 pointed marriage day 1 resolved to break the engngement. 
 I don't know whether I should have had the courage, but 
 he was called away by his father's sudden death. Since 
 then I have been temporizing." 
 
 " O, my darling, I am so thankful;" and she raised her 
 eyes, bright with tears that were not all sorrow. "You 
 are worthy of a higher happiness." 
 
 "I don't know that I am worthy of any," I exclaimed, 
 vehemently. " I have been wilfully blind, impatient, wise 
 in my own sight, .and now I reap the whirlwind that I have 
 sown the loss of esteem, the mortification of this position. 
 I hate myself!" 
 
 " And I have been the cause ! " she said, with poignant 
 self-reproach. 
 
 "No, you shall not blame yourself. Mr. St. John warned 
 me, and even withheld his consent for a time. He thought 
 his cousin fickle, fond of change and excitement. I shall
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 205 
 
 bring my unlucky engagement to an end immediately, 
 thankful that there has been so little said about it." 
 
 How much truth wns there in a man's regard ? Hugh 
 Graham was happy at Mont Argyle with his sweet young 
 wife. He had met me with a good de:;l of complacence, 
 and, after our first greeting, betrayed no embarrassment. 
 Yet I confess that in my heart I honored him ; but the 
 treachery and faithlessness of Ayjmer Channing were be- 
 yond forgiveness. I had allowed myself to be beguiled by 
 this adoration, offered at many a shrine before, and perhaps 
 to be laid upon others. The remembrance of every kiss 
 stuns; me. The tenderness I had allowed to be paraded 
 
 O 1 
 
 before Mr. St. John rushed over me with a bitter sense of 
 humiliation. He, knowing what it was worth, had smiled 
 over it. How could I endure his triumph? 
 
 I soon made Anne understand that no deep regard was 
 concerned in the promise ; and then she urged me not to 
 delay the step so imperatively necessary. And as I glanced 
 at her beaming face, I gave thanks that she had so soon 
 found the grand secret of life, and was walking in pleasant 
 ways.
 
 206 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 " Meantime I seek no sympathies, nor need ; 
 
 The thorns which I have reaped are of the tree 
 
 I planted ; they have torn me and I bleed ; 
 I should have known what fruit would spring from such a seed." 
 
 CHILDE HAROLD. 
 
 LOVE had certainly improved Mr. Otis. I do not mean 
 that he had grown handsome or graceful ; but there was 
 an ease and manliness about him that was exceedingly at- 
 tractive. Through much pain and many doubts, he and 
 Anne had reached the true level of their lives. It might 
 not be a safe precedent to follow, but in this case it had 
 brought about admirable results. That they were really 
 happy one coulcl not for a moment doubt. 
 
 Now that Aylmer Channing's beguiling glamour no 
 longer served for contrast, I found him entertaining and 
 agreeable. He warmed curiously when Anne was present. 
 Her love seemed to enfranchise him from any lingering 
 awkwardness or over-sensitive feeling. Neither was he 
 deficient in fine tastes or cultivation ; and I soon found 
 that many a woman might be satisfied with such a des- 
 tiny. 
 
 Walter Sutherland was still delicate, though slowly im- 
 proving. His passionate thirst for art, and his ambition 
 to be able to distinguish himself, were dangerous aliments 
 for such a highly-wrought organization. I smiled over the 
 many efforts Mr. Otis made to turn his attention into other 
 channels, and give the physique a chance with the restless 
 brain, wondering how he could understand and minister so 
 well.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 207 
 
 After a few clays' consideration I wrote to Aylmer. I 
 did not make the slightest allusion to the story I had 
 heard, but confessed my own dissatisfaction with the en- 
 gagement, and proposed that it should be relinquished, as 
 I was quite confident that I should not find my highest 
 happiness in its consummation ; a cool, dispassionate 
 letter, that betrayed not the slightest haste or anger, for 
 beyond my irritation at his faithlessness and duplicity, I 
 was not at all wounded perhaps only too glad to have 
 the crisis come in this manner. 
 
 Still I waited in a peculiar state of mind, wondering a 
 little in what mood he would answer. 
 
 Was the man radically false, or was it only the result of 
 a facile temperament, and utter want of conscience ? For 
 I believe, in his long and closely written epistle, he ac- 
 tually persuaded himself tluit he loved me, that he would 
 suffer acutely in giving me up; but, since it was my desire, 
 he could not insist upon anything that was likely to render 
 me unhappy. He spoke of the delightful past with touch- 
 ing pathos the walks, the tender conversations, the hopes 
 we had cherished, and the void that would remain to him. 
 Yet he did not implore me to change my mind, or threaten 
 any deed of desperate* daring. Instead, he breathed a 
 hope that, though love between us might be dead, friend- 
 ship would still remain. 
 
 Alas, when confidence had ended with me, all was over. 
 I could meet Hugh Graham with a true and tender regard ; 
 but if this handsome face ever crossed my path, I should 
 feel tempted to spurn it with unutterable loathing. 
 
 But even this incident did not detract from the pleas- 
 ure of my visit. I felt that in Mr. and Mrs. Otis I had 
 friends for life, friends that I could count upon in any 
 emergency. 
 
 On my return to Laurelwood, I gathered together Ayl-
 
 208 SYDXIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 mcr's gifts, elegant and fanciful, like himself jewels with 
 quaint devices, books superb in their binding and was 
 making a package, when Mi's. Lawrence tapped lightly at 
 the door, and then entered. My face was dyed the deepest 
 scai k-t. 
 
 "Excuse me;" and she drew back, hesitatingly. 
 
 "I must tell you," I began, with desperate courage. 
 "The engagement between Mr. Channing and myself has 
 ended." 
 
 " Sydnie ! " She stood pale and trembling with aston- 
 ishment. 
 
 " We have decided that it would not be for our highest 
 happiness. I believe he understands it as well as I ;" and 
 there was a touch of scorn in my voice. 
 
 "And you allowed this nonsense to ruin such brilliant 
 prospects ? Are you crazy ? " 
 
 "The brilliant prospects did not tempt me at all." 
 
 "They would have tempted any other woman. What 
 else could you ask? And I thought you had satisfied 
 yourself about the love." 
 
 " I believe it was only a passing fancy with him : I find 
 that I was quite mistaken concerning my own regard." 
 
 " He might be a little wavering, but you, of all other 
 women, could have held him true. Your beauty that never 
 palls, your voice, your spirit and vaiicty would have kept 
 him captive forever, if you had so willed. Of all folly this 
 is the wildest." 
 
 I had never seen her so thoroughly roused. 
 
 "I should not want a husband whose affections it was 
 necessary to retain by continuous effort," I said, haughtily. 
 
 " With all your endowments I can foresee that your life 
 will prove an utter failure, and all on account of these ro- 
 mantic follies. Was ever a woman so short-sighted?" 
 
 u The fault is not entirely mine," I returned, warmly.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 209 
 
 "Last summer I heard that Mr. Channing had been 
 strongly attracted by Miss Ray nor, his step-mother's sister. 
 He needed only to be brought within trhe circle of her in- 
 fluence again to have the charm completed. Knowing 
 this, I preferred to resign him while my claim was yet 
 undisputed." 
 
 " A false, foolish story ! Miss Raynor has nothing but 
 her beauty, and that is not to be compared to yours. You 
 have been most hasty and unwise. Is it too late to repair 
 the mischief? " 
 
 " Too late. Even if I could yet believe him true, which 
 I do not, I should still refuse to marry him. I learned, 
 before he left us in December, that he was not all that I had 
 fancied him, or even what I desired." 
 
 " You will never find what you desire." 
 
 " Perhaps not." 
 
 "And these Raynors are poor, miserable schemers. 
 What girl of eighteen would marry a man three times 
 her age except for his money? More than once this wily 
 step-mother has tried to entangle Aylmer. And if you 
 had made the slightest effort " 
 
 "I did not consider his salvation worth any effort on my 
 part;" and I smiled disdainfully. 
 
 " So I perceive. Poor Aylmer ! " 
 
 " I don't think that I could have helped his liking Miss 
 Raynor," I said, rather indignantly, "and I was not anxious 
 to be jilted for it would have come to that. I consider 
 that I have had a very fortunate escape in any event." 
 
 " What step do you propose next ? " and there was some 
 irony in her tone. 
 
 " I have not decided ; " and I smiled, in spite of my irri- 
 tation. 
 
 " Do you remember your age ? " 
 
 "Almost twenty : quite ancient, I must confess." 
 14
 
 210 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 "Yon will not be likely to find any better chances for 
 marriage than those you have passed by. I think you 
 have had everything offered you. It stamps a woman's 
 success to marry whi'e she is still admired and sought after. 
 If she waits, the world throws up its hands, and says, in a 
 tone of relief, ' Well, she's married at last? as if one had 
 tried all one's life to bring about the event." 
 
 " I don't trouble myself about the world, and certainly 
 shall not marry for the sake of any favorable verdict it may 
 give." 
 
 " It is not a pleasant thing to be thrust aside where you 
 have once reigned; to find yourself superseded by younger 
 and fairer women. I wish you could have been married 
 without any of this nonsense." 
 
 I thought of that December night with a shiver. 
 
 U I ought never to have made the engagement," I said, 
 with sonic remorse. " Aylmcr attracted me wonderfully 
 at first, but I never loved him." 
 
 " How pertinaciously you keep to that theme ! You will 
 never love, then; for he was acknowledged to be irresisti- 
 ble. And it is rather mortifying, when I took such pains 
 to convince Stuart that you did love him. You know he 
 insisted that you did not understand your own desires on 
 the subject. We can hardly blame him for enjoying his 
 triumph." 
 
 That stung me. The mocking, satirical smile flashed 
 across my vision the face that could torture one with a 
 look, the voice whose tones could cut like a keen sword. 
 Well, there was no escape. 
 
 " I really hope you will come to your senses some time," 
 she said, sweeping out of the room. 
 
 I felt that I had seriously offended her. She had been 
 very kind, indeed, and taken an infinite deal of trouble 
 with my belongings. If I had married well, she would
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 211 
 
 have been amply satisfied ; but what if I never married 
 at all ? 
 
 I resolved, if there should be any further discomfort, 
 that I would propose a change of abode. Then my heart 
 gave a great gasp. To leave Laurel wood, bid it farewell 
 for all lime could I do it ? 
 
 Mr. St. John appeared to take the knowledge of the 
 present state of affairs very coolly indeed. I despatched 
 my package, cleared away the mental debris, and then pro- 
 ceeded to take a survey of my situation. Were all the years 
 to go on like these two, appreciating no claims but those 
 of society dressing, visiting, dancing, and flirting? I really 
 longed to try the world in some other guise. "What could 
 women do ? Nothing but many, it seemed, unless they 
 possessed a remarkable genius, or were compelled to toil 
 for a livelihood. Neither of these reached my case. "Weari- 
 ness and ennui staring me in the face, I actually envied 
 those to whom fate had apportioned useful lives. 
 
 I took up my books with a spasmodic effort. I practised 
 music, read French and German, and indulged i;i long 
 rambles. If Mr. St. John found me thus employed, a pe- 
 culiar smile would wander across his face. We had both 
 observed a long truce, and I had a misgiving that the 
 battle would open soon. 
 
 " How very industrious you have grown," he said, find- 
 ing me on the balcony one afternoon. " What is the new 
 aim?" 
 
 " I am not sure that I have any aim," I answered, list- 
 lessly. 
 
 " You are despondent. Miss Adriance, it will never do 
 to take a lover's defection so seriously. It is one of the 
 chances of the service, you know." 
 
 The hot blood rushed to my face. "I am not in the 
 slightest degree lovelorn," I answered, shortly.
 
 212 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 "A female Alexander, grieved that there are no more 
 empires to conquer. You have grown discouraged early 
 in the fray." 
 
 " I have no desire for such paltry triumphs," I returned, 
 haughtily. 
 
 " Paltry ! A man's heart thus to be contemned ! You 
 are pitiless." 
 
 " I have won no heart that could suffer in being cast 
 aside." 
 
 " You do not hold your lovers in very high esteem. It 
 is like a woman." 
 
 That roused me. " When one true lover sues to me, I 
 shall respect him at least, if I cannot return his regard." 
 
 " And all the rest is most convenient pastime flirting." 
 
 " I have not flirted," I rejoined, angrily. 
 
 " What do you call the episode with Mr. Channing ? " 
 
 " Not that, at least." 
 
 " Then you did love him ?" 
 
 There was a fierce gleam in his hard eyes, and a sudden 
 sharp frown settled about his brow. 
 
 " I did not love him. I was strongly attracted, and per- 
 haps overpcrsuaded by the apparent tenderness of his 
 regard for me. I honestly tried to do my duty, and when 
 I became convinced that I could not, asked to be released 
 from my promise." 
 
 " And this is a woman's boasted constancy ! So infatu- 
 ated that she can listen to no reason, ready to throw her 
 whole life away, and in six months' time so weary of her 
 bond that she sues for release." 
 
 " It is possible that one can be mistaken in a person. I 
 do not pride myself upon my penetration or infallible judg- 
 ment." 
 
 "Alas, if love is held subject to idle caprices! And your 
 mistake in Aylraer was one of wilful blindness. You were 
 warned repeatedly."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 213 
 
 " How was I warned ? " I exclaimed, afljish with indig- 
 nation. "You refused to do him even common justice. 
 You were unreasonable, severe, and caustic. One is apt to 
 espouse the cause of the wronged." 
 
 "You are extremely generous, Miss Adriance! Mr. 
 Channing requited your chivalrous affection very poorly 
 indeed. I think I did him full justice in warning you at 
 all. If I had not considered him likely to win a woman's 
 favor, I should have held my peace, and thereby saved an 
 immense reputation for cruelty." 
 
 "A regard that is generous and tender always appeals 
 powerfully," I said. " One can hardly be sufficiently sus- 
 picious to question it in the beginning." 
 
 "And these are the men who succeed!" he said, bitter- 
 ly, curling his haughty lip. " They can fawn and flatter, 
 and please a woman's fancy, while truth stands aloof, too 
 proud to degrade itself." 
 
 "No," I returned; "what we most desire is apprecia- 
 tion. Occasionally we are betrayed by a semblance of it." 
 
 "If half the time and talent spent in rendering women 
 artificial and heartless was devoted to a better purpose, 
 there would be something to appreciate," he said, savagely. 
 
 " Why do not men offer a premium on the virtues, then ? 
 The women who succeed the most brilliantly in life are 
 not the high-toned, truthful, and pure in soul. Half a 
 dozen really noble, natural girls, who have not made dress 
 and attractiveness their highest study, will be eclipsed in a 
 room by one handsome, elegantly attired woman, who has 
 learned to make the most of herself in the manner society 
 approves. Educated and accomplished men single her 
 out, and pay her marked attention. Patient wives are not 
 infrequently neglected for her, and hearts that have been 
 musing over happy dreams, in all the sweetness of a first 
 unshaken trust, find themselves rudely pierced by careless-
 
 214 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 ness on the part of the man from whom they have a right 
 to expect better tilings." 
 
 " But these are the acknowledged coquettes in society. 
 Men do not so often seek them in marriage. 1 ' 
 
 "Pardon me. Some of these women have three chances 
 for marriage where others have scarcely one." 
 
 "Marriage being the great end and aim of existence," 
 he said, sneeringly. 
 
 " We must confess that it is. Ordinarily we do not find 
 a single woman of forty the recipient of as many polite 
 attentions as those who are younger. She is not held in 
 the same esteem as if she had improved her chances for 
 matrimony. She may have grown nobler and richer in 
 many directions; more refined, capable of receiving higher 
 truths and obeying the dictates of loftier virtues. The 
 probability is that nine people out of ten 'will sneer a lit- 
 tle, and remark how queer she has become." 
 
 "You have been converted to a new faith, Miss Adri- 
 ance. This was not the belief of your 'salad days,' as 
 Cleopatra terms her unwisdom." 
 
 U I have had the world to study since that time." 
 
 " For Heaven's sake, don't become cynical. Leave that 
 to the sterner sex." 
 
 "Will not the armor answer equally well for both? If 
 men can intrench themselves behind it, and fling out 
 pointed arrows, indifferent as to whom they may wound, 
 why may it not be pastime for a woman ? " 
 
 For once I had met the enemy on his own ground. He 
 bit his lip, and there was a moment's silence between us. 
 
 "You are making rapid strides," he said, at length. 
 "What do you propose to do next? I should really like 
 to be forewarned." 
 
 " What I do cannot be of much importance," I said, 
 carelessly. "A woman's scope doesn't seem to be very 
 extensive."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 215 
 
 " 0, you can write a book, you know. That's a dernier 
 resort after being in love." 
 
 I would not let him rouse me to anger. 
 
 "Since you advise it, I may possibly try," I returned, 
 calmly. 
 
 "No, I don't advise it. Reading German metaphysics 
 is bad enough. But there is little danger, since you are 
 not particularly amenable to counsel." 
 
 " No one has ever taken sufficient interest in my wel- 
 fare to counsel me in any of the great emergencies of life. 
 If a woman possesses intellect and power, why should she 
 not use it ? Must we be continually sent back to our mir- 
 rors and our dresses ? " 
 
 "Inconsequent, as your sex invariably prove." 
 
 "If yours are so wise, why not instruct us?" 
 
 "O!" he exclaimed, with sudden vehemence, "if human 
 nature was not steeped in this blind, selfish egotism! If 
 any one dared to live a true, honest life, instead of over- 
 laying it with detestable shams ! Have not men in all 
 ages given preference to fond, simple-hearted women, who 
 were not too proud to glory in their birthright of pure, 
 tender, endining affection, that no trials bhinch, no time 
 dimmed ? And when they accept this for their mission, 
 when the strength and sweetness of their souls tend to 
 this high spiritual elevation, there will be no need of grasp- 
 ing feverishly at fancied tasks." 
 
 "Will it make a woman less tender to have noble aspi- 
 rations or well-developed ideas of life?" 
 
 " A dream rarely realized but then what dreams are ? " 
 and he turned abruptly away. 
 
 What dreams are ? It fell mournfully on my soul, like 
 a strain of sad, dying music. Why did we live at all, if 
 to be forever unsatisfied? Why were these wants pertain- 
 ing to the pure and profound estates of mortal being given
 
 216 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 to us, if they were not to be realized in this land of their 
 birth ? Would it not be pitiful for a soul to drop out of 
 the world, never having known that completeness it felt 
 surely fitted for? 
 
 Something woke a new chord in my inmost being. I do 
 not think I was born a poet; the glorious dawn, with its 
 intense beauty, the silence of the purple twilight, with its 
 mysterious charm, and the vague unrest of solitary nights, 
 when the soul seems to brood in an unearthly atmosphere, 
 thrilled me with speechless emotion. But there were 
 other avenues for thought. Women had trod in these 
 paths and found them pleasant. Even if I did not succeed 
 brilliantly, would it not be better than this tiresome round 
 of dressing, dancing, and admiration? 
 
 Mr. St. John was a good deal surprised at the announce- 
 ment of Aylmer Channing's marriage. Mrs. Lawrence 
 had not recovered her equanimity on the subject. I fore- 
 saw that she would have hard work to forgive me. Sweet 
 as she was, she could show her displeasure in many ways, 
 and occasionally made me feel quite uncomfortable. 
 
 This matter was soon forgotten in one of much more 
 importance. Mrs. Lawrence received word that a large 
 investment in Cuba, which had hitherto been very profit- 
 able, required immediate attention. Mr. Lawrence's sister 
 had married a Spaniard ; and the brothers-in-law had 
 both been concerned in the same business. Mr. Carme 
 had met with heavy losses, and there would be important 
 changes made. 
 
 "I think I had better go at once," Mr. St. John pro- 
 posed. "It is May now, and I can be back before the sea- 
 son of extreme heat. A person on the spot can manage 
 so much better, as writing delays interminably." 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence was pleased, and the arrangements were 
 speedily made. A brief absence to be sure, but I could
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 217 
 
 not help thinking how odd Laurelwood would appear with- 
 out Mr. St. John. 
 
 " What a happy time you will have," he said, on the 
 last evening of his stay, sauntering down to the window 
 where I sat in the soft twilight of the moonless night. 
 "For the next two months you will be quite free to follow 
 your own devices." 
 
 "Believe that I feel exceedingly grateful for all past 
 care," I returned, with mock humility. 
 
 "No, you don't, either;." and his tone was strangely ex- 
 cited. "Think of the many times you have positively 
 hated my interference. But for me you might have been 
 a happy wife." . 
 
 " You are cruel," I said, wounded to the quick. 
 
 " And you are a mystery to me. Did he never call forth 
 any responsive affection ? Doesn't the memory of some 
 sweet phantom hope stir your heart with strange longings ? 
 for you are neither ice nor marble. There is the fire 
 of a very volcano in your eyes, and there must have been 
 moments when it found vent and swept all before it. 
 Great heavens! that such an offering should have been 
 laid at a man's feet, and trampled upon ! " 
 
 He was'moved from his usual self-poise, and his vehe- 
 mence affected me singularly. I trembled in every limb. 
 
 "I think you make some mistake in regard to Mr. 
 Channing. He gave much and demanded little. He was 
 engrossed with his own feelings and enjoyments, and never 
 sought to fathorn the depths of my soul. If he had, I 
 should have known the truth sooner myself." 
 
 " And there was a place in your heart that his sweetness 
 and beauty never touched. Some chord sacred to a mas- 
 ter hand, that gave forth no responsive music? Yet you 
 put on the semblance skilfully ! Miss Adriance, how much 
 truth is there in a woman ? "
 
 218 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 His mocking words and scornful manner stung me, and 
 I replied with some passion, 
 
 "I was weary, heart-sick. You had shown yourself 
 most ungentle ; ridiculed the faith I might have had, made 
 light of my earnest endeavors, taunted me beyond endur- 
 ance ! Sympathy and rest were sweet. It was my mis- 
 fortune that I accepted too readily ; but that being done, I 
 endeavored to perform my duty." 
 
 "Well, why did you give up this high notion of duty?" 
 
 " Because I found that another could be as dear to him. 
 "Was it necessary to doom myself to misery for a strict 
 point of honor ? " 
 
 "But you couldn't have known this when " 
 
 " I did," I confessed with a secret mortification. " I heard 
 it before I had taken any positive step; but my resolve 
 had been made long ore that." 
 
 " I knew you never loved him. I read your secret in a 
 dozen different ways. But you can bear no advice, no 
 counsel! You would martyr yourself for pride's sake, 
 while love stood shivering at the door where you refused 
 him entrance." 
 
 His masterly bearing, and stern, cutting tones, roused 
 me to instant defiance. 
 
 "When did you counsel?" I began, springing up. 
 "You used to taunt me with being an undeveloped girl, 
 ridicule my aims, my desires, my tenderest feelings, ur.til 
 I was fain to hide them from your sight. But when did 
 you ever speak of the rocks, the quicksands, of the torta- 
 ous path where one might go forever astray? You were 
 hard, and cold, and cruel ! " 
 
 "As if anything could have made a difference with 
 you ! " 
 
 How he maddened mo ! I was not the strong, domi- 
 nant, self-willed woman he would persist in believing rne. 
 Could he ever understand ?
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 219 
 
 He took my hands in his, and said, in a tone so low that 
 it sounded like a mere whisper, but was wonderfully dis- 
 tinct, 
 
 " How many times will a woman's conscience allow her 
 to repeat the most sacred words and endearments of love? 
 Will they have any meaning when you utter them again?" 
 and he made a gesture of bitter contempt. 
 
 I felt my courage yielding. What right had he to 
 torture me thus ? My eyes filled with tears of pain and 
 shame. 
 
 " I shall never utter them but once with truth," I said, 
 vainly trying to steady my voice. " And that time is yet 
 to come." 
 
 Then I would have broken away, but his grasp upon 
 me tightened. He turned me quite around so that my 
 face came in range of the long rny of distant lamplight ; 
 I could feel that his glance was like flame, and devoured 
 every passing emotion. Scarlet flushes stole from brow 
 to throat, and I trembled in every limb. 
 
 " Yet to come," he repeated in. a tone that thrilled 
 me, it had softened so exquisitely. " What surety have 
 I that other false vows may not be breathed?" 
 
 " None," I replied, impelled to the truth by his steady 
 eye, "save that the mistakes of the past have proved so 
 bitter that I should dread ever to renew them." 
 
 "Let the past with all its failures be forgotten;" and 
 he drew me towards him in a tender clasp. "The present 
 is mine to make of it what I can. We will not rush into 
 any headlong folly, but patiently abide our fate." 
 
 Did I hear aright ! Every pulse throbbed and quivered 
 with a new and intense emotion. I felt the sweet, lin- 
 gering kisses of fire upon my -lips, absorbing soul and 
 sense. O, I knew now what it was to love, to be beloved ? 
 Nothing could ever make me prove recreant to that trust.
 
 220 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 What more might have been uttered I know not, but 
 there was a gentle rustle in the hall, and Mrs. Lawrence 
 entered the drawing-room. Mr. St. John released me 
 without any perceptible stir, bending over once and whis- 
 pering "Remember," and then we both were outwardly 
 calm. 
 
 She had thought ^of another item or two, and as he 
 was to start early in the morning, explained them now. 
 I sat by in silence, occasionally catching a fiery gleam 
 from the eyes that were lakes of luminous light. I fancied 
 there was a strange depth in his voice, and every intona- 
 tion thrilled through me. We said no more that night, 
 or in the morning either, for though I came down to the 
 early breakfast, we were not alone. Perhaps he might 
 have made an opportunity, but he carried himself with 
 regal pride. I felt his power in the very air I breathed, 
 and was subdued by the subtle magnetism. Now and 
 then he gave me a peculiar bright, fascinating look, that 
 was not a smile, and yet answered for both smile and 
 words. 
 
 " He shall see that I can deserve his trust," I mentally 
 .resolved with my farewell. And yet a chill struck to the 
 core of my heart how would we meet again ?
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 221 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 11 Lord of my learning and no land besides." 
 
 SliAKSPEARE. 
 
 MRS. LAWRENCE began to discuss our summer arrange- 
 ments presently. Where should we go ? what should we 
 do? She left the choice of place entirely to me. 
 
 "We can hardly look for Stuart until the middle of 
 July," she said. "He will be rather tired out with his 
 jaunt, and' perhaps not care to undertake another, so we 
 can inake our arrangements without reference to him." 
 
 " Why should we go at all ? " I replied. " Laurelwood 
 is as lovely as any place I have seen." 
 
 "There will be very little society through the summer." 
 
 "Never mind society for once. I think I should like to 
 have a good long restful summer here." 
 
 "Very well. We will stay until Stuart's return, at 
 least." 
 
 I was decidedly pleased. Not for worlds would I have 
 been absent then. I had a gratifying belief that he would 
 approve of this partial seclusion. 
 
 And now I asked myself what I should do. To brood 
 constantly over the beguiling visions that floated through 
 my brain would hardly be wise. And then I remembered 
 how oddly I was situated. 
 
 I could not absolutely consider myself engaged ; indeed, 
 as for real love-making, there had been very little. Mr. St. 
 John was peculiar. Did I understand him at all? Was 
 I certain that our natures would assimilate harmonize?
 
 222 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 I wondered if any woman had ever taken destiny in 
 such a fashion before? There was only one fact of which 
 I did feel confident. Through the exercise of some curious 
 power, Mr. St. John was able to sw"ay every thought and. 
 feeling. Was this love ? His approval was more to me 
 than the opinion of the whole world besides. His very 
 presence filled my soul with radiant delight, and yet I 
 experienced a strange fear concerning him. The possibility 
 of his being completely my master loomed threateningly 
 before me. It would be sweet, indeed, to yield from a 
 deep, tender, overpowering affection. 
 
 A year ago I should have made an ideal and an idol of 
 him at once. I seemed to have more self-poise, more 
 wisdom, and though I was capable of experiencing a much 
 deeper and more absorbing passion, I likewise appeared 
 to demand more in return. Had I grown selfish, exacting? 
 
 I left off thinking of myself, and turned to Nature. 
 Never had she been lovelier. I indulged in long, solitary 
 rambles and delightful communings; delicious reveries 
 that inthralled both heart and brain. The fires of youth 
 lost their fierceness, seeming more like the perfect golden 
 glow of sunset. 
 
 Mr. St. John wrote that the business was much more 
 complicated than he supposed, and that he was unable to 
 fix upon any period of return, but that it would be as 
 speedy as circumstances would permit. We were rather 
 quiet, for Mrs. Lawrence left me much to my own devices. 
 In this mood of brooding repose a tiny flame of ambition 
 sprang up. Mr. St. John had satirically said write a 
 book. Have we not all a thread of romance within us? 
 And so I began. 
 
 How the days passed I scarcely remember. They were 
 like dreams perfected by sweetest music. I neither looked 
 forward nor backward, but simply waited.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 223 
 
 Suddenly the music censed ; the spell was broken, 
 
 My eyes were wandering carelessly over the paper one 
 morning as we still lingered in the breakfast-room, when 
 my attention was suddenly arrested by the announcement 
 of the failure of a large New York and Baltimore house, 
 and the suicide of one of the partners. My fortune was 
 swept away at a single blow ! 
 
 I sat there in silence. When the fire has burned to 
 ashes, one does not look for a torch to rekindle it. There 
 must be wood to sustain a new flame. The old has per- 
 ished beyond recall. 
 
 "What is the matter, Sydnie ?" and I saw Mrs. Law- 
 rence making a siufden movement towards me. "You are 
 as pale as a ghost." 
 
 " A poor way to bear misfortune; " and my lip quivered, 
 failing miserably in an attempt at a smile. 
 
 "Misfortune?" Her tone was incredulous. 
 
 I handed her the paper. 
 
 " An utter failure J O, it cannot be quite true. These 
 things are always abominably exaggerated. How unfor- 
 tunate that Stuart is away! I will send for Mr. Northrnp 
 he may know how to advise;" and she did despatch 
 a servant immediately for the county lawyer. 
 
 We walked slowly through the hall. It was a warm, 
 morning; but the fragrant air revived me. 
 
 " My poor child, I cannot express my sorrow nor my 
 sympathy. I only hope we shall not find it as bad as we 
 expect." 
 
 What did I expect ? Literally nothing. I felt crushed 
 and overwhelmed. I cannot say that I had ever experi- 
 enced any strong love for poverty, and now I shrank from 
 the crisis with a trembling in every nerve. Very weak 
 and ignoble perhaps, but I could not help it. 
 
 Mr. Northrup was not at home ; and two days elapsed
 
 224 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 before he made his appearance. By this time the first 
 accounts had become well authenticated. The old story 
 of extravagant living, speculation, inevitable disgrace, and 
 death. My sympathies were strangely interested in behalf 
 of the family so suddenly plunged into deepest gloom. 
 
 " My dear," Mrs. Lawrence said, in her sweetest tone, 
 "if you only had married Aylmer. He would never have 
 thought twice of the loss." 
 
 My lip curled involuntarily. 
 
 "I think it would be best to take a little trip north. 
 Your outfit of last winter can be made beautifully availa- 
 ble with very little expense ; and few will know of the 
 misfortune. You still have your beauty." 
 
 "No," I said, decisively, "I cannot take part in such a 
 farce." 
 
 " What will you do then ? " 
 
 " Give music lessons or teach school," I answered, reck- 
 lessly. 
 
 " Sydnie, I beg you will not do anything rash nor fool- 
 ish. You have many friends, and sufiicient attraction yet 
 to make a good marriage. Look at the matter sensibly, 
 now, I implore you. I have decided to go to Washington 
 next winter, and I want you to feel that you would be 
 most welcome to my care. I am sure that you can not 
 only retrieve your fortune, but make yourself happy. You 
 will marry sometime." 
 
 She did not in the least suspect Mr. St. John of caring 
 for me. But in her opinion poverty was a kind of pesti- 
 lence that it was proper to take any method to be rid of. 
 I felt proud and defiant. Would Mr. St. John deem me 
 capable of mercenary motives ? 
 
 Mr. Northrup found affairs in the wildest confusion. 
 The first reports were but too true. 
 
 " It is not worth while to wony Stuart with it," Mrs.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 225 
 
 Lawrence said. " He will be home soon, and then his 
 hearing cannot mend matters. He will regret the unfor- 
 tunate occurrence deeply." 
 
 I hardly knew how I felt about Mr. St. John. Pride 
 and delicacy revolted from making the slightest appeal to 
 him. All the little tendernesses- I had planned, and the 
 ready compliance I was to show, looked too much like 
 interest. He could make my path very smooth in the 
 manner pointed out by Mrs. Lawrence, The thought 
 gave me an uncomfortable shiver. 
 
 To please her I had gone on as usual. We had received 
 an invitation to a birthnight party of a young lady, one 
 of our neighbors, and a person I really admired. When I 
 found that she expected me to accompany her, I made no 
 demur; indeed, I anticipated much pleasure. Mrs. Darrell, 
 the girl's mother, had been extremely sympathetic and 
 cordial to me ; and I felt that no loss of fortune would 
 ever change her regard for one she liked. 
 
 The preparations roused me a little, brought me back 
 to a more human state, I resolved to enjoy the gayeties 
 with as much of the old zest as possible. 
 
 "How bright and lovely you look!" Mrs. Lawrence 
 said ; and I felt pleased with her commendation. 
 
 It was indeed a gala scene; the lawn hung with.colored 
 lanterns, and everywhere a profusion of fragrant flowers. 
 Great wreaths of roses swaying in the soft June air> and 
 the walks lined with blossoming shrubs of every variety, 
 the porches covered, and the rooms decorated. How 
 lovely it appeared ! and to make the enchantment more 
 complete, musicians had been stationed in different parts 
 of the ground, and sweet melodies went wandering through 
 many a woodland path.. 
 
 I felt my spirits rising. I knew I looked well. Why 
 should I be shut out of enjoyment through a loss brought 
 15
 
 226 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OK 
 
 about by no fault of my own ? Was I not the same ? and 
 did I not possess capabilities that had been mine a month 
 ago ? My fortune had taken away no integral part of 
 myself. 
 
 They danced, chatted, laughed, and made themselves 
 merry. The evening was half spent, perhaps, when I 
 sauntered down a path, attracted by a strain of sweet 
 melody the flutes and French horns were blowing out in 
 tremulous summer gales. Then a voice near me said, 
 
 " So Miss Adriance has lost her fortune. What will she do?" 
 
 " Mrs. Lawrence is very fond of her. I suppose she will 
 remain at Laurelwood, as she has no relatives," a voice that 
 I recognized made answer. 
 
 " And marry Mr. St. John." The sentence ended with 
 a laugh. 
 
 "Mr. St. John isn't considered a marrying man." 
 
 " O, she will manage it. Beauty in tears is irresistible. 
 Of course she will go to him for comfort and advice, and 
 he being her guardian will feel moved in her behalf. You 
 may count upon her being mistress of Laurelwood in six 
 months." 
 
 And then followed another mocking laugh that was like 
 a stab to me. I had heard enough. Blinded by a sudden 
 rush of emotion I could hardly find my way back to the 
 brilliant lawn and the dancers. 
 
 I had endured some petty slights before, but this stung 
 me to the very heart. If I should marry Mr. St. John, how 
 many would believe me actuated by purest affection, as 
 I should be ? I was hurt, angry, and my enjoyment of the 
 evening came to a sudden end. 
 
 The next day I wrote to Mrs. Otis. Already she had 
 shown me that I had one steadfest friend, at least, and 
 invited me to visit her; indeed, she wished now that I 
 would consider her home as my own. I should always be
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 227 
 
 a most welcome guest. I had thanked her for this kind- 
 ness when I was too deeply agitated to form any plans for 
 the future. Indeed, I did not know as I had any right. 
 But now some wild motive urged me on. I said frankly 
 that henceforth I should be compelled to earn my own 
 livelihood. There was but one avenue open to me at 
 present teaching school. My musical abilities were of a 
 high order, and I believed that I could take care of myself- 
 Since the effort must be made some time, it would be as 
 well, I thought, to start about it at once. But I seemed 
 quite at loss to know to whom an application might better 
 be made. If she could hear and advise me immediately, 
 it would be of great assistance. 
 
 I would show Mr. St. John and his sister that I dared 
 brave the evils of poverty. He should not find me help- 
 less, or positively in want of aught that he could give. I 
 would not even make an indirect appeal for counsel. 
 Whether it was pride that swayed me, or a just self- 
 respect, I would not stop to consider. To be armed was 
 all I cared for just now. 
 
 Probably no reverse of fortune was ever pleasant. 
 During these weeks I was in a measure shielded from 
 gossip, because a large portion of the community had 
 already started on the,ir phantom chase for summer pleas- 
 ures. But now and then a sentence fell upon some bare, 
 shrinking nerve, and gave me a momentary torture. I 
 really did not dare to propose leaving Laurelwood, yet the 
 days had lost all brightness and beauty. I grew morbidly 
 sensitive, and longed to reach my true level, for I knew 
 that in losing my fortune I had lost caste. 
 
 Anne enclosed three advertisements in her reply two 
 for a school, and one for a governess in one of the eastern 
 counties of Maryland, where music was made a special 
 requirement. This one attracted my fancy strongly, and I
 
 228 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 answered it immediately, telling as much of my story as 
 was necessary, in order to account for my temerity in seek- 
 ing a situation without reference, though I sent the name 
 of Madame W., my former preceptress. What a flood 
 of emotion this brought over me ! I remembered the 
 day on which I had waited for Mr. St. John to come, the 
 strange journey, the welcome here. Could I go away? 
 Why, it would be like leaving my soul behind. 
 
 I need not. I felt certain that Mr. St. John would con- 
 sider himself bound by those few words spoken the night 
 before his departure. What I wanted was not sympathy 
 or sense of obligation, but love. Unless he could give me 
 all that I desired, I would take nothing at his hands. If I 
 must hunger, it should be in a desert, not in a land of 
 plenty. 
 
 By one of those odd circumstances that occasionally 
 decide a fate, my application met with a fortunate recep- 
 tion. Mrs. Ingalls had been pleased with it consulted 
 her husband, who advised her to accept. There were two 
 girls nearly grown and five younger children. The salary 
 was very fair, although it seemed a pitifully small sum to 
 me. My duties would commence on the first of September. 
 That I might decline hardly appeared to enter the mind 
 of Mrs. Ingalls. 
 
 I was not prepared for so rapid a termination, and felt 
 rather startled at my own haste and assurance. On the 
 same morning a letter came from Mr. St. John, announcing 
 that he should start in the next steamer. Then he would 
 soon be home ! I owed him some duty, certainly. I had 
 not a perfect right to dispose of myself without a slight 
 consultation at least. He was my guardian, if no more. 
 
 I decided to wait until I saw him before I took any 
 positive step. The ease with which I had found this situa- 
 tion gave me courage to believe that if it failed, I should
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 229 
 
 be nble to secure something else without much difficulty. 
 I i'elt armed, as it were, to fight any battle now. 
 
 Such interminable days as these were! I was very quiet 
 outwardly, but within reigned chaos resolves, prejudices, 
 and events vibrating and influencing one another, until I 
 felt strangely irresolute. Even the thought of love ceased 
 to charm. 
 
 The breach between Mrs. Lawrence and myself widened * 
 perceptibly. There was nothing tangible in her demeanor; 
 indeed, she sometimes appeared more solicitous ; but I had 
 a consciousness that these phases were not real, and that 
 she assumed them from a sense of duty. Disliking the 
 senior Mrs. Channing, she could not approve Aylmer's mar- 
 riage cordially, and held me in some degree answerable for 
 it. Besides this, she experienced a pang of secret mortifi- 
 cation that, with my many advantages, I was not married. 
 
 The weather was growing intensely warm. A great 
 cloud appeared to envelop me, full of slumbrous magnetic 
 influences, not sufficiently charged for a crisis. I had a 
 sensation of being cut off from the rest of the world. The 
 very air about me grew stifling, and I drew my breath 
 with great gasps of apprehension. And in this mood I 
 counted up the days, until one morning, when I heard a 
 stir among the servants. 
 
 The master of Laurehvood had come! 
 
 There were joyous greetings in the hall, the sweet voice 
 of Mrs. Lawrence murmuring a pleasant welcome. Had I 
 any part or lot in the matter? Should I thrust myself 
 upon his attention in this first moment of his return ? 
 Pride held me back. If he was very desirous of my pres- 
 ence, he might signify it. But I waited in vain for any 
 summons. What little events change the purposes of our 
 lives! Any time dui ing that morning I could have been 
 convinced by a word or a look of the great fact of his love j
 
 230 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 when the bell rang for luncheon, the hour of grace had 
 passed. I felt calm, but bitter and cold. 
 
 I hurried down, hoping to enter the dining-room first. 
 He intercepted me in the hall. Somehow, I shall always 
 remember the picture he made. The voyage had com- 
 pleted the work of the tropical sun, and left him almost 
 swarthy. His hair had been cut quite closely, displaying 
 his broad forehead, and leaving a few stray curls at the 
 temple. His eyes had a set look, that was fairly stern, 
 while the flowing beard, with its peculiar bronze glitter, 
 gave him a weird, foreign appearance. 
 
 He flushed deeply in spite of the olive hue, and appeared 
 at the first moment absolutely disconcerted. 
 
 " You seem in no haste to welcome me," he said, rather 
 sharply. " I had been counting on that, at least." 
 
 " Your sister had the first right, I am sure," I answered, 
 gravely. 
 
 "And you none?" This was uttered in a tone of in- 
 quiry. 
 
 " None," I repeated. 
 
 " At least you might ask if I were well ; " and he laughed 
 rather nervously. 
 
 " The fact is apparent. Allow me to congratulate you 
 upon your safe return." 
 
 At this juncture Mrs. Lawrence joined us. She looked 
 somewhat discomposed, and glanced curiously at me. My 
 sensitive pride took alarm at once. Did she fear that her 
 brother would foolishly rush to the rescue, and marry me? 
 
 Each one made an effort, and the meal passed most 
 pleasantly, though the conversation was all upon Mr. St. 
 John's journey. He was really delighted to be at home 
 again ; that I could plainly see. We lingered over our 
 dessert of fruit a long while, and as we rose he said, turn- 
 ing to me,
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 231 
 
 "May I see you in the library, Miss Adrinnce?" 
 
 I crossed the hall with him, and then went over to the 
 window. Just here we discussed my foolish engagement 
 with such bitterness. How vividly it all carne back ! 
 
 "Miss Adriance," he began presently, "my sister has 
 informed me of your misfortune. I am most sorry that I 
 should be absent at such a time; but I doubt if it is as bad. 
 as she thinks. You are not quite disheartened." 
 
 " I have sufficient courage to bear a reverse of fortune," 
 I said, proudly. 
 
 " You have both been looking at the darkest side. Such 
 things alarm Isabelle a good deal. She knows so little 
 about business." 
 
 Then, after a pause, seeing that I made no reply, 
 
 "I think I understand the matter perfectly, and can as- 
 sure you that your fortune is not all gone. Have you no 
 faith in my assertion, that you look so incredulous?" 
 
 " Besides the lawyer's statement, I have heard from my 
 friends at Baltimore, who were anxious to soften the blow 
 as much as possible. There maybe a few thousands saved, 
 but even that is doubtful." 
 
 " Half at least," he said-, walking down the room, his face 
 turned partly from me. 
 
 I imagined his motive in an instant, and though it gave 
 me a quick thrill, I could not endure to be the recipient 
 of his generosity. 
 
 "Mr. St. John," I said, trying to keep the touch of ex- 
 citement out of my voice, "I can understand that you con- 
 sider yourself in some manner answerable for this misfor- 
 tune ; but I do not hold you so. It was Mr. Anthon's 
 investment, and one cannot always guard against losses. 
 I am satisfied that it is nearly all gone, and have made 
 some arrangements for the future." 
 
 He paused suddenly. " What arrangements ? " he asked, 
 in a sharp tone.
 
 282 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 u I have already obtained a situation ns governess. It 
 is necessary that I should depend upon my own exertions, 
 and this offer came to me with a very litt'e trouble." 
 
 "Governess!" He accompanied the word with such a 
 disdainful gesture that it angered me. 
 
 'You are in haste, I think, Miss Adriance. "It is pay- 
 ing a poor compliment to your friends," he went on, with 
 a scornful inflection. 
 
 "I do not propose to test friendship that far," I said, 
 haughtily. "Dependence would not be pleasant for me." 
 
 "O, you arc strong-minded 1 It will not harm you to 
 nir your theories occasionally; but you have forgotten one 
 important fact. I am still your guardian." 
 
 'There is no longer a necessity for supervision. When 
 people are at work, they seldom fall into mischief." 
 
 "It is still tin/ duty to provide you a home, and yours 
 to remain there," he said, not attempting to disguise the 
 power in his tone. 
 
 "You can insist upon this for some time longer," I re- 
 turned, coldly; "but it would not be an agreeable experi- 
 ment. I question if a young lady with no fortune would 
 be considered a valuable acquisition to Laurel wood society." 
 
 "That is pure pride." 
 
 "I am proud; I confess it." 
 
 "And willing to make everything bow to this demon !" 
 
 His tone was bitter, unjust, I thought. 
 
 "The demon, as you style it, will not have many wor- 
 ship] ers. There is nothing to be rendered subservient." 
 
 "Nothing!" 
 
 lie strode up and down the room, his face clouded, his 
 lips compressed, and his eyes coming to points of flame. 
 Had I gone too far? At all events, I could not be a sup- 
 pliant for his love, and, truth to tell, he seemed in no haste 
 to offer it.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 233 
 
 "This governessing is an absurd idea," he flung' out 
 angrily. 
 
 " I see nothing so absurd in a woman having courage to 
 meet any exigency, and a desire not to become a burden 
 to her friends." 
 
 " I believe friends never were very weighty considera- 
 tions with you." 
 
 The taunt was too bitter. A scarlet heat flamed up in 
 my face. 
 
 "I have consulted some friends, in whom I have confi- 
 dence," and my breath as well as my words came slowly, 
 for I knew this was a cruel thrust. 
 
 As if it had not touched him at all, he came nearer. 
 "Can nothing induce you to give up this wild idea? You 
 will find the routine very different from your fancy con- 
 cerning it." 
 
 "I do not expect a path of roses. I have some sense, at 
 least," I returned, with warmth and passion. 
 
 " And fortitude equal to any emergency," he retorted, 
 with caustic dryness. 
 
 Could this man ever have loved me? Love was kind 
 and tender, shielding its object from every chilling blast, 
 but he was more bitter and cutting than storm itself. I 
 felt sick at heart. 
 
 " It is not necessary to discuss the matter any farther," 
 I said, rising. 
 
 " I shall make a strict examination into this unfortunate 
 business, and until then " 
 
 He paused. I was so near that our hands almost clasped 
 of their own accord. What invisible barrier kept us 
 apart ? 
 
 He made a sudden gesture, then he let me go without 
 another word. 
 
 I went directly to my room and answered Mrs. Ingalls's
 
 234 - SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 letter, promising to be at my post at the appointed time. 
 It had been folly to delay it. What sweet, wild dreams I 
 had indulged in for a brief space ! Gone, to the faintest 
 shadow. I had always idealized Mr. St. John. He was 
 not as grand and tender as the hero of my imagination, 
 nny, he had never loved me as I wished to be loved. At 
 times he had swayed me by his immense personal power, 
 but the woman who won him must be a slave, and content 
 to yield every atom of her own individuality. This did 
 not quite satisfy me. 
 
 I despatched my note at once. Passing through the 
 hall, Mrs. Lawrence called me to ask about some trifle, 
 but with more real kindliness in her manner than had been 
 apparent of late. 
 
 "Stuart told you, I suppose, that he believes the loss 
 involved in the failure has been exaggerated. I am really 
 glad for your sake. It's delightful to have some one in- 
 spire us with a little courage." 
 
 "I think he is mistaken," I answered, gravely. 
 
 "At all events we can hope for the best. I've been a 
 poor comforter, but bad news of any kind always has a 
 depressing effect upon my nerves;" and she ended with 
 a faint, sweet smile, 
 
 I had learned my lesson to some purpose, and was not 
 to be beguiled by this small display of graciousness. Per- 
 haps I was hard and faithless, but my wound was bitter 
 also. 
 
 That night I found a note on my dressing-table. I 
 recognized the writing instantly. What could Mr. St. 
 John wish to say to me in this manner? Some neighbors 
 had been in to spend the evening, and Mr. St. John had 
 proved most entertaining. 
 
 I broke the seal with no little trepidation, and then, 
 drawing up the nearest chair, sat down to read.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 235 
 
 It was not the passionate declaration of love one 
 might expect from such a man, but a rather stately offer 
 of his hand, fortune, Laurel wood, the place I had professed 
 to hold in such high regard. It was kind and exquisitely 
 worded, but the heart seemed left out, as if he were more 
 desirous of saving me from hardship and making my outer 
 life luxurious and pleasant, than aiming to reach any true 
 and high soul existence. For a long while I sat in deep 
 thought. The world would believe that I considered this 
 the best means of retrieving my fallen fortunes, but what 
 would he think? He had not made one appeal to my 
 regard for himself. Did he really hold that women were 
 always swayed by mercenary considerations, and that to 
 satisfy these was the royal road to their hearts? 
 
 To live with him and not be allowed the fullest liberty 
 to love, and to express it, would be simply torture. With 
 me the regard must soon become a passion, and repression 
 would be harder to endure than total loss and absence. 
 
 I will not deny that pride was strongly concerned. I 
 thought he had not treated me fairly, justly. I had a right 
 to expect something better at his hands. 
 
 I had somewhere read of a little boat floating over the 
 sea, holding a slumbering lady, whose stiing of pearls had 
 become unfastened, and the gems were slowly dropping 
 into the water. She woke and grasped it, terrified at see- 
 ing her precious pearls slip away. I had been a traveller 
 drifting down a sunny stream, gathering priceless pearls 
 human hearts. Now they began to drop away. Should 
 I reach out my hand to save any ? 
 
 Mr. St. John was calm and inscrutable at breakfast the 
 next morning. No look or gesture on his part betrayed 
 the slightest concern. I believe his very self-possession 
 roused all the angry strength of my soul. I should never 
 be able to decide whether he loved me, and must take my 
 step in the darkness of unbelief.
 
 236 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 I intended to answer him in his own fashion, and yet 
 dreaded to say the fatal words, to cut myself off from hope. 
 So I rambled about the grounds, lingering in shady nooks 
 that I loved so well. It would be hard to go. 
 
 I came suddenly upon him at a turn in the path. For a 
 moment we faced each other. 
 
 " Miss Adriauce," he said, in a strange, husky tone, yet 
 with a touch of fierce impatience, "you must have read my 
 note. Answer me now I cannot wait." 
 
 The old imperious manner. There was no instinct of 
 serfdom in me. I would not be forced into fetters. Every 
 drop of blood in my veins revolted. 
 
 " It is easily said. No man's gold can buy my heart." 
 
 "Easily!" 
 
 It was an ill-chosen word. One bitter lightning glance, 
 that seemed to scorch the very springs of life, and he 
 turned was lost to me. Should I utter a cry of agony, 
 and bring him back ? 
 
 When I could rouse myself from this stupor, I con- 
 tinued my walk. An interposing fate had settled all my 
 perplexity. I was quite free to go. But Eve's wail of 
 desolation seemed borne to me on every breath of the 
 summer air. It would be rending body and soul asunder.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 237 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 " I see thecurse on gestures proud and cold, 
 And looks of proud defiance and calm bate, 
 And such despair as mocks itself with smiles." 
 
 SHELLET. 
 
 A QUICK step crossed the wide balcony, and a cheery 
 voice fell upon ray ear. I turned to behold Philip Wes- 
 tervelt. 
 
 " What a ghostly face ! " he exclaimed. " Isn't St. John 
 home ? I saw his name amongst the arrivals, and flew 
 down from Washington to have a look at our travelled 
 hero. Don't disappoint me by any evil tidings." 
 
 " Mr. St. John came home yesterday, and is very well," 
 I returned ; and in another instant the master's voice 
 sounded from ^he library. 
 
 Philip vaulted into the open window. I ran away to 
 my room, and took one glimpse of myself in the long mirror 
 that had told me so many flattering tales. I fancied that 
 I could see suffering already written in my face. 
 
 " This will never do," I said to myself. " It is cowardly 
 to take the marks of the first evil blow fate gives." 
 
 So I summoned my resolution, and sought to bury the 
 dead hopes out of my sight. One dream too bright, too 
 perfect for earthly realization. There are many trials and 
 crosses before one enters the promised land. I might have 
 known that so fair a prospect was but a mirage, and that 
 my life could be no more perfect than any other human 
 lot. Yet had I not bereft it of all hope ? Would it ever 
 blossom with the promise of golden fruitage ?
 
 238 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 I resigned myself to fate. Struggling was vain and 
 futile. I would not ask what the future held, but go on, 
 no matter how thorny the path might prove. 
 
 Philip's arrival was certainly well timed, though the 
 accident of a sudden whim. When we all met at luncheon, 
 Mr. St. John was quite in his usual mood, and met me 
 without the slightest awkwardness. Indeed, so serene 
 and gracious seemed he, that I wondered if the man had 
 any soul that could be touched. Philip was in the gayest 
 of spirits, but somehow his happiness jarred upon me. 
 Was it because my own desolation became the more 
 apparent ? 
 
 I had been resolving in my own mind that I would pro- 
 pose a visit to Mrs. Otis as the easiest way of leaving 
 Laurel WOOL!. I had an opportunity of announcing this at 
 the dinner-table, and felt that I was safely over one diffi- 
 cult step. 
 
 Quite late in the evening, when I was meditating a 
 retreat to my own room, Philip asked me to walk a little 
 Avhile with him. It was a glorious night,,with the moon 
 nearly at its full. The wandering air brought faint voices 
 from the distant groves a tender, suggestive sound that 
 touched the heart. 
 
 "How can you leave this?" Philip asked, suddenly. 
 "Sydnie, how much soul have you? I seem to have gone 
 widely astray in my estimate of you." 
 
 " Your estimate may have been wrong. I don't know 
 as I am answerable to all my friends." 
 
 Why do you go ? " 
 
 " Because I do not choose to stay and be dependent." 
 
 " St. John said you were going out as a governess." 
 
 "I find some kind of employment necessary. You seem 
 to forget that I am no longer an heiress." 
 
 " St. John thinks something can be saved from the wreck."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 239 
 
 This is folly," I said, half vexed at Mr. St. John's 
 pertinacity. "He is generous enough to replace a part of 
 it; but I Avould not accept such a favor from any man, 
 least of all him." 
 
 "Don't intrench yourself so strongly in your own might. 
 Do you think so lightly of friends that you can discard 
 them with ease?" 
 
 " We are hardly friends when it comes to that," I said, 
 with a scornful inflection. 
 
 " And you might have been so much more ! O, Sydnie, 
 are women born blind and wilful, that they should thus 
 throw away the great prizes of life ? I felt so sure that 
 you would end by loving Stuart. I do not see how a 
 woman could fail to be won by his strength, that is like a 
 resistless tide, and his sweetness that can find a way to any 
 but the most obdurate heart. It amazes me to think that 
 you have been insensible to all the finer traits iahis char- 
 acter, and most of all, his love." 
 
 " Did he send you to plead his cause ? " 
 
 Sydnie ! " 
 
 I felt the involuntary movement of his arm, almost as if 
 he would have spurned me. 
 
 "We shall never agree about Mr. St. John," I returned. 
 " To you he has been one' of the dearest and tenderest 
 friends, while with me it has proved widely different. 
 Your romance about us has misled you. We are not con- 
 genial in scarcely any sense. He does not understand my 
 most ordinary moods; and I confess he has always been a 
 puzzle to me." 
 
 "You are proud and impatient. Forgive the truth, 
 and believe that no sister could have a larger share in a 
 brother's heart than you have in mine. If you will accept 
 of our sympathy and love, our home shall be yours, freely 
 proffered by Ellen as well as myself, and any word of dis-
 
 240 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 satisfaction that I utter comes from a heart sore and 
 pained because* I am grieved to see one dear friend suffer 
 who might be made happy by love." 
 
 " You may set your heart at rest. Mr. St. John does 
 not love me as you imagine." 
 
 " It is your pride that blinds you. O, pause and con- 
 sider ere you throw away the sweetest gift of life, and 
 wreck your own soul." 
 
 " Convincing you would be a hopeless task. But I see 
 my way clearly, and there are no thorns that a resolute 
 step cannot crush." 
 
 "You are too strong and cruel for a woman. Look 
 down the futue, and see if the path is fair! Are there no 
 places marked by tears ? no shrine where hope despoiled 
 still clings to some stray fragment of what it once might 
 have held with a tender clasp ? no day of loneliness, regret, 
 or despajf ? " 
 
 I would not own to any. 
 
 " I used to think you, of all others, would be keenly sus- 
 ceptible to love. I fancied it would be no light passion, 
 but a perfect, overwhelming tide that would regenerate 
 you into new being. How have you thrust out that low- 
 voiced angel?" 
 
 Ah, he little guessed how madly I had loved, how my 
 heart throbbed now in its torturing throes of anguish! 
 That both these men should deem me cold and heartless 
 was bitter indeed. But I could never make them see me 
 as I truly was. Therefore I vouchsafed no answer. 
 
 Presently Philip said, " You are quite resolved, then ? " 
 
 " I shall not shrink from the duties that I see be- 
 fore me." 
 
 He faced me suddenly ; but I was prepared. I felt that 
 not a feature would betray me, and perhaps exulted a little 
 in my strength.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 241 
 
 " How beautiful you are," he went on ; " like this idea 
 of Milton's 
 
 What though the field be lost all is not lost ; 
 The unconquerable will 
 
 and courage never to submit 
 
 Or yield; and what is else not to be overcome ' " 
 
 " I feel like it," I replied. I could have found it in my 
 heart to repeat the rest. 
 
 "But the fiercest flames burn out, and then the ashes 
 of desolation ! Will you never weary on this great high- 
 way, and long for shade where none may ever come ?" 
 
 " Whether it be shade or sun, I am content." 
 
 "And this is the result of a life that promised so much. 
 O, Sydnie!" 
 
 His tone seemed to strike a knell in my heart. 
 
 "We all dream dreams in youth," I said, and then we 
 returned to the house in silence. 
 
 He left us the next morning. After that I made prepa- 
 rations for my visit. No one opposed me, or suggested 
 any change. Mr. St. John and his sister were very kind. 
 It really seemed as if nothing had occurred, and that 
 presently I would return and resume the old life. I could 
 not bring myself to believe that this was to be the last ; 
 and my heart smote me for cowardly concealing my 
 resolve. 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence parted with me most cordially. She had 
 a faith, or affected it, that her brother could manage to 
 restore part of my fortune, and began to plan gayeties for 
 the winter. Mr. St. John drove me to the station. We 
 .exchanged a lingering good by. Was there any latent word 
 that might still be spoken, any glance capable of changing 
 the current of our lives? . 
 
 Alone in the car I dropped my travelling veil, although 
 the day was warm. I felt weak and nervous now, and 
 16
 
 242 SYDNIE ADRTANCE, OR 
 
 the tears filled my eyes slowly. "Was I as brave as I had 
 made others believe? 
 
 The mental atmosphere pervading the house of Mr. 
 Otis served to restore me. Anne's cheerful self-reliance 
 roused me from the despondent mood into which I was 
 falling. But my life was not to be quite as I had planned 
 it. Mrs. Ingalls, offended it seemed at my delay, had ac- 
 cepted another person to fill the place. And from Philip 
 I received a most kindly letter, enclosing an offer of a sit- 
 uation in a school to teach music, drawing, and painting. 
 He urged me to accept it if I was still resolved upon the 
 course I had marked out. 
 
 Mr. Otis had interested himself warmly in my lost for- 
 tune. Mr. St. John thanked him in a most cordial letter 
 when he came to hear of the fact. A year might elapse 
 before it was finally settled, and perhaps a few thousand 
 dollars could be saved. As the time of my departure was 
 drawing nigh, I informed Mr. St. John of the change in 
 my arrangements, not omitting Philip's kindly interest. 
 It was hardly worth while to return to Laurelwood, I 
 added, if Mrs. Lawrence would allow Thirza to pack the 
 remainder of my wardrobe, and send it to Baltimore. 
 Anne insisted that henceforward I should consider her 
 house as my home. 
 
 "You will remember that I am your sister now, and 
 that it will not do for you to neglect me. I shall claim all 
 your vacations," Anne said, with some tender tears 111 her 
 eyes. 
 
 I thanked Heaven for this dear friend as I started out to 
 try the world anew. 
 
 Elm Grove Seminary was situated in the western part 
 of the State of New York. I could not help thinking of 
 the tender care that had made so many journeys delight- 
 ful to me; and by contrast this seemed tiresome and per-
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 243 
 
 plexing. Yet I had some curiosity to see my new home, 
 and I thought a round of active duties would still this 
 restless gnawing at my heart crowd out the ghost of 
 dreams dead forever. 
 
 The seminary was delightfully located, half a mile from 
 the village, a lovely, sleepy place, that looked as if it might 
 be taking a Rip Van Winkle nap. The white cottnges 
 were embowered with vines and trees, and the churches 
 ivy grown. I was glad to find it different from anything 
 I had ever seen. 
 
 The interior was no novelty. I had been used to board- 
 ing-schools, and the long halls, recitation-rooms, and rows 
 of sleeping apartments greeted me with a most natural 
 look. I was ushered into the reception-room, where Mrs. 
 Ellingwood awaited me. 
 
 She was a tall, fine-looking woman, with great suavity 
 of manner, but a cold gray eye, and a rigid mouth that 
 bespoke strong determination. One would not be drawn 
 to her in any friendly relation. She enlarged upon the 
 order, strictness, and precision with which everything was 
 carried on, her high principles and views of duty towards 
 the young ladies intrusted to her care ; in short, she made 
 me understand that she was the head of the establishment, 
 and that all were to respect her authority. 
 
 In return, I felt she was very well satisfied. I had come 
 highly recommended, and, as she had a peculiar love for 
 the best society, the fact of my having been a member of 
 it, and met with a reverse of fortune, was a passport to 
 her favor. I followed Laura Ilastings's worldly-wise max- 
 ims, and made the most of myself and my accomplish- 
 ments. 
 
 Friday was the first of September ; but school did not 
 open until the following Monday. I had time to look 
 about me, and decided that it would be a very tolerable
 
 244 STDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 place. My room was pleasswit, overlooking the south and 
 the village ; but what a contrast to the spacious one I had 
 left! no soft carpet and curtains, no airy marble Graces, 
 and the sweetness of countless flowers. It was not to be 
 shared with anyone, however, and I was thankful for that. 
 So I hung up my dresses, arranged a few articles of virtu, 
 turned my chairs, to take off the stiff, orderly look, and 
 filled a shelf with some choice volumes. 
 
 There were quite a number of scholars, and during the 
 next day they increased rapidly. I met most of my fellow- 
 teachers, but there was not one that won me in the slight- 
 est degree. By Sunday evening I was as miserably lone- 
 some as Mr. St. John could desire in his just wishes of 
 retribution, if he thought of me at all. The years looming 
 up before me grew frightful with grim phantoms. What 
 an enchanting world I had left behind ! Had fate alone 
 shut me out of it? 
 
 I was glad to begin my duties. I threw the most ear- 
 nest energy into them, and resolved to allow nothing to 
 
 o/ o 
 
 daunt me. Since I had chosen the path, I would take no 
 weak, lagging step. I did find it tiresome, and not much 
 to my taste ; but I won Mrs. Ellingwood's commendation 
 early in the battle. I resolved not to yield to any morbid 
 desire to exaggerate my own trials and disappointments. 
 I no longer expected life to be rose-hued ; the carnival was 
 over, and I was a sober. Lenten-robed pilgrim, on my way 
 to another shrine. 
 
 Alter a month or two, when I was settled to my daily 
 routine, an intolerable craving took possession of my soul. 
 I tried a severe course of reading; but, though my eyes 
 followed the lines for page after page, my thoughts went 
 far astray. Music, which had once been my solace, was 
 now connected with a sense of drudgery. Were the days 
 Philip foretold coming upon me so soon? Had I no more 
 courage or fortitude ?
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 245 
 
 I certainly was not discontented with my situation : the 
 salary was good, the treatment kind, and no stringent de- 
 mands were made upon my time. I found that I soon 
 gained the reputation of being haughty and reserved, and 
 it suited me as well. I had no mind to listen to girlish 
 complaints, or the vapid talk of sentimental women ; there- 
 fore I spent my evenings much alone, except when I was 
 invited to the reception-room, which was not infrequently. 
 Mrs. Ellingwood was rather proud of her acquisition, and 
 showed a disposition to make the most of it. Except being 
 rather tiresome, these small parties amused me. The 
 other teachers generally managed to get into nervous 
 spasms over what they should wear and whom they should 
 see. The fifteen or twenty guests did not in the slightest 
 alarm me. I was alike indifferent to their admiration or 
 disfavor. Contrasting them with what I had known, made 
 them seem poor and meagre indeed. A spirit of self-com- 
 placency pervaded many of these people. On the whole, 
 I wondered if it was not a pleasant thing to hold one's self 
 in high esteem. 
 
 Looking over the future, I could not but speculate upon 
 it. Marriage, the great dream of most women, was not 
 for me. If I had not loved in the past two years, I should 
 not be likely to meet with any one in time to come whose 
 charm would prove overmastering. 
 
 Then I tore down the flimsy subterfuge, and looked the 
 truth boldly in the face. I had loved Mr. St. John I did 
 love him now. The peculiar influence he had exerted 
 over me would always keep me from yielding to any other. 
 Whether we were really antagonistic, or if it had been 
 the result of some special fault in either, I was unable to 
 determine ; but I recognized the fact. That hope, there- 
 fore, had dropped out of my life. 
 
 My future was all my own : to spend it in slow years of
 
 216 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 stagnation was simply impossible. What must I do? I 
 could not go out into the world and make another fortune 
 in the place of 'the one I had lost. I could not raise my- 
 self to any height: a simple, aimless existence, earning my 
 daily bread and raiment. 
 
 Then I bethought myself of ray book. I had com- 
 menced it in the happy solitude of Laurelwood, piqued 
 into a mood of ambition by Mr. St. John's doubts and 
 cynicisms. I recalled the fanciful dreams concerning those 
 imaginary people, their loves, hopes, struggles, and the dif- 
 ferent ways by which they attained happiness and content. 
 So I roused myself, and went at it again, thankful for the 
 employment. Autumn came on, brown and chilly. I noted 
 how the sun went lower, how the leaves lost their gold and 
 crimson glory, and then winter, with its potent step, writ- 
 ing desolation everywhere. 
 
 It mattered little to me. My inner world was fast ab- 
 sorbing my very soul. Night after night I used to .sit 
 alone, taking a strange delight in these creations of my 
 pen. How real they all became to me ! I suffered in their 
 sorrows, rejoiced in their joys, gave them faith when I 
 doubted myself, made all things possible for them, while 
 I felt bound hand and foot. In some lives there came just 
 such seasons of rapture, after long and patient waiting; in 
 others, despair and nothing. But since there is more 
 shadow than sun in the existence of most people, we like 
 the contrast, and enjoy the sun in pictures, rather than the 
 shadow. 
 
 Then I began to watch the people around me with a 
 new zest. Their peculiarities caught my eye at once. I 
 speculated what they would do in certain situations, how 
 they would endure trials; and found that for the many 
 weak there were but few strong. Almost each one was 
 continually shifting some burden on his or her neighbor.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 247 
 
 Not much self-reliance and true courage. It was curious, 
 too, that the people in the Laura Hastings mould generally 
 won the clay. How could men and women be so blind, so 
 credulous? 
 
 One of my pupils awoke a strong interest in me pres- 
 ently; perhaps because she stood .so entirely alone, was so 
 repellent, and no favorite with the rest. Indeed, it seemed 
 as if she was in disgrace half the time. The child for 
 she was barely sixteen had a violent temper, and a quick, 
 caustic tongue: an orphan; a friend was educating her; 
 and, to render the terms more reasonable, she taught in 
 one or two of the lower classes. 
 
 I believe she hated all but music. A strange, lithe little 
 thing, with eyes and hair of the deepest hue, and a pale, 
 clear olive complexion. Her features were small and regu- 
 lar; but her general expression was cold, faithless, and 
 defiant, as if some way she were at war with half the 
 world, and constantly watching for an opportunity to re- 
 turn the current coin of unkindness. 
 
 Yet at times, when she yielded herself to the charm of 
 music, she used to startle me by her absolute loveliness. 
 It was wild and weird, and made one almost shiver at the 
 capabilities it revealed. 
 
 Every advance I made was repelled with a coolness that 
 savored of disdain, and I presently ceased in my efiiyrts, yet 
 I was none the less interested. I had a curious presenti- 
 ment that somewhere we would be strangely drawn to- 
 gether one of those electric intuitions, for which one can 
 give no reason. I fell into the habit of watching her, and 
 involuntarily shielding her from the consequences of some 
 of her faults. 
 
 " I wonder you can tolerate Miss Whitney," one of .the 
 teachers said to me; "she is the most disagreeable girl in 
 school"
 
 248 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 Magdalene. "What did the name portend ? 
 
 Spring was coming on apace. The time had not hnng 
 heavily on my hands, for I had been very busy. These 
 warm days gave me a peculiar languor, yet I fought the 
 spell of indolence with rigid bravery. Every week brought 
 my book nearer completion. If it held some of my own 
 yearning desires and unfulfilled hopes, who shall marvel ? 
 The world was full of these likenesses ; phantoms sat in 
 every corner of the heart, rarely clothed in glorious ap- 
 parel. Life sprang up clear and sweet with its heavenly 
 harmonies ; but in the rude turmoil and jar of discordant 
 voices, the pure strains were too often lost to human ears. 
 What power was strong enough to reunite these broken 
 links ? Did God care when his children were weary and. 
 heavy laden ? 
 
 The school that had gone on so methodically for nine 
 months was now roused to a sudden tumult and fever. 
 The graduating class was straining every nerve, and Mrs. 
 Ellingwood was making preparations for some brilliant 
 closing exercises. I was called out of my seclusion, and 
 for a month was busy with the rest. The examinations 
 passed very creditably, and then there was a general dis- 
 persion. 
 
 Mrs. Ellingwood was anxious to make an engagement 
 for another year, and I assented ; but my soul was buoyed 
 up with a precious hope. If it were possible to win fame 
 and other women had succeeded I would bend every 
 energy to this pursuit. It was the choicest thing life held 
 now. 
 
 I decided to remain at Elm Grove for a brief while. In 
 those first days of quiet I finished my book, and wrote to 
 several publishers in New York. I had promised my va- 
 cation to Mrs. Otis. Philip and Ellen had gone to Europe 
 in Mny, so Anne was the only friend to whom my presence
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 249 
 
 would be a positive pleasure. I remembered how, three 
 years before, I had watched for vacation. How long ago! 
 a past ago it seemed. Then I was as careless and expect- 
 ant as these girls were now. I felt old beside them, as 
 if with eighteen had gone all the brightness and blossom 
 of youth. Could-any hand restore the sweet hope? Not 
 for me, I said, softly and sadly.
 
 250 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII.' 
 
 " O, bow full of briers is this working day world ! " 
 
 ROSALIND As You Like It. 
 " It is to live without the vanished light 
 That strength is needed." MRS. HEMANS. 
 
 I PUT my room in order, locked drawers and desks, 
 gave Mrs. Ellingwood a courteous good by, and com- 
 menced a new journey. No gay, satirical voice to laugh 
 at me, no far-reaching eyes to hold me with subtle glances, 
 no foolish quarrels and quick repentance. I was a sober, 
 staid, business woman, with a most matter-of-fact air. 
 Youth was nothing to me ; girlishness I was glad to lay 
 aside. 
 
 I went directly to New York. Of the five letters I had 
 written, three had declined reading anything new on ac- 
 count of the press of matter on hand. The remaining two 
 held out a slender hope. I weighed their respective merits, 
 and finally decided by chance, though it was with some 
 trepidation that I presented myself. One feels so different 
 when one has nothing to ask of the world. It really ap- 
 peared as if my earlier daring had all failed. 
 
 I met with a polite reception, that quite restored my 
 courage. The book should be read, and my answer given 
 in a week. Had I ever written any before ? 
 
 " No ; this was my first attempt." 
 
 "Not even stones or sketches?" 
 
 " Nothing at all." 
 
 " It was quite difficult to introduce a new writer of whom
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 251 
 
 the world had never heard. If the book had some par- 
 ticular merit " and a very charming smile finished the 
 sentence. 
 
 I could hardly claim that it was better than the majority 
 of stories. Indeed, now I was seized with a fear that it 
 was not so good ; but we bowed hopefully to each other. 
 
 I realized the loneliness of a great city fully during that 
 week of waiting. I had chosen the most retired hotel, 
 and that was not overcrowded. Every one who could get 
 away was at some pleasant summer resort, or country 
 house. I was not at all sure that even Mrs. Westervelt 
 was in the city. But I wanted no one to know my errand. 
 If I failed entirely, the secret should be locked in the 
 depths of my own soul. I desired no pity or sympathy. 
 I watched the dawn of morning and the close of day in 
 the most utter solitude, yet in a state of feverish expecta- 
 tion. At last the eventful time arrived, and assuming an 
 air of indifference that I was far from feeling, I presented 
 myself for this important verdict. 
 
 It is something, perhaps, for a man to be handsome and 
 affable. My book was declined with the utmost suavity, I 
 had almost said sweetness. While it betrayed unmistaka- 
 ble marks of genius, it was not at all in the popular style. 
 If I had a reputation, it would do very well to make such 
 a venture; indeed, in that case, it might be a perfect suc- 
 cess. But he did not feel safe to undertake it. If I chose 
 to try again I might be more fortunate. This story was 
 very peculiar. 
 
 How brilliantly the sun shone as I stepped into the 
 street ! I shivered at the brightness, and longed to hide 
 myself where it was never so dark and deep. Not even 
 the loss of my fortune had affected me thus keenly. I 
 began to understand how much of my future life had been 
 staked upon this issue.
 
 252 BYDXIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 " Courage, lienrt," I said. " Some strong souls win 
 heaven by force, how much more the things of earth." 
 
 So I ventured agi.in. A grave, middle-aged man, with 
 no smiles, but a kindly voice, received me. The same 
 cautious story, the difficulty of taking the first step. And 
 although he took the manuscript, he prepared me for a 
 fresh disappointment also. 
 
 " It was very dull with him just now, and he would read 
 it immediately. Could I call in a few days?" 
 
 I assented. If I had thought the first week wearisome, 
 this was doubly so. A wild impulse urged me to go to 
 Anne's at once, but I persisted in my resolve. My heart 
 sank within me, and every pulse quivered with the torture 
 of suspense as I set out. I wondered how many times I 
 should go on the same errand, or if I should accept this 
 blow of fate as final. 
 
 I waited many moments in the little office. On the 
 desk stood a few roses and geranium leaves in a slender 
 bouquet-holder. These flowers appealed to me in a 
 strange, tender manner, stirred my heart to sympathy. 
 
 I looked at the man's face as lie entered, but it betrayed 
 no secret. Yet it was so kindly, with all its gravity, that 
 it inspired me with something like hope. 
 
 "I have been deeply interested in your story," he began. 
 " It lias much merit, but I am not at all prepared to say 
 that it will be a success. It may prove a very fair intro- 
 duction to the literary world, and it is quite necessary that 
 a young author should try first for a name." 
 
 I bowed my head acquiescently ; I could not trust my 
 voice to speak. 
 
 " We are willing to undertake it, though we do not feel 
 justified in making a very extravagant offer." 
 
 I drew a long breath of relief. Did I really hear aright ? 
 
 Then followed the business part. I confessed that I did
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. '253 
 
 feel satisfied with his proposal, though if I had thought 
 more of fortune than fame, it would have appeared small, 
 I felt, too, that I had made a friend, and that was a conso- 
 lation. I agreed to his propositions unhesitatingly, uay 
 heart growing lighter with every breath. 
 
 But what was there so singular about the book? Was 
 the yearning of a high> passionate spirit for that grand ex- 
 istence haunting most pure souls, a thing to astonish ordi- 
 nary minds? What if the way was long and dark? what 
 if failure did happen, was that improbable? or success, did 
 that sound unreal? There comes a time to some few blest 
 souls when they stand untrembling on the mountain tops. 
 If it were not so, existence would be an utter failure. 
 
 The next day I reached Baltimore. There was great 
 rejoicing in the happy household, for a little blue-eyed 
 stranger had been added to their number a sweetj darl- 
 ing girl, who had been received with the most rapturous 
 emotion. 
 
 "You almost vexed me by your delay," Anne said^ with 
 her glad smile, that half contradicted her assertion. " I 
 knew you would be surprised, and I could hardly wait. 
 But, my dear, how thin and worn you are, quite unlike 
 your usual self. You shall have nothing but rest and 
 pleasure for the next month." 
 
 A most delightful prospect, truly. I thanked Heaven 
 for this sweet friend, for these yet unbroken links in my 
 chain. Anne's welcome was so cordial, and she bright and 
 winsome with the old shy grace still clinging about her. 
 The dearest and most perfect happiness had come to her, 
 and no one could prove more worthy. 
 
 There was a small business matter awaiting me. Mr. 
 St. John had secured three thousand dollars from the 
 wreck of my fortune, and placed it in the hands of Mr. 
 Otis. His connection as my guardian had of course ceased.
 
 254 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 Besides these details, there was a letter very cordially 
 worded, containing a message from Mrs. Lawrence, and 
 inviting me to Laurelwood any time that I felt disposed 
 to make them a visit. 
 
 In what mood Mr. St. John had penned these words I 
 should never be able to tell. Of course I should not go. 
 
 "And Mr. Otis has an excellent investment for your 
 money," Anne said. " I shouldn't wonder if you became 
 a rich woman by and by, though it seems very little 
 now." 
 
 " By the time I am old, and compelled to retire from 
 active service;" and I smiled. 
 
 "I can hardly endure the thought of your being so far 
 away. I've been wondering, dear, how it would answer to 
 keep you here. You could have music pupils, you know, 
 and probably do as well as at school." 
 
 " I have made a positive engagement for another year. 
 Besides, I like the school very well." 
 
 "But you are certainly worked too hard." 
 
 "My darling, don't distress yourself about me," I re- 
 plied, with a kiss, for her tender regard touched me to the 
 heart's core. Had any one else ever loved me as well ? 
 
 My month passed most delightfully. How many times 
 I longed to give her my secret in return for her confidence, 
 I can hardly say; but I doubted my own ability to achieve 
 a thorough success. And if I did fail, better that it should 
 be hidden from all pitying eyes. I was too proud to ac- 
 knowledge a defeat. 
 
 Anne's baby was a source of unbounded satisfaction. 
 Her sisters, fast growing into womanhood, held it in the 
 highest esteem. Mr. Otis appeared to have taken upon 
 himself a new dignity. He was slowly coming up to the 
 heights of complete and ripened manhood. I remem- 
 bered my first impressions of him with a feeling akin to
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 255 
 
 wonder that I could not have discerned his worth sooner. 
 To me he was the kindest of friends, unobtrusively solicit- 
 ous for my welfare. 
 
 But youth is the season of quick judgments and over 
 hasty conclusions. And though my experience had been 
 brief, I was better able to distinguish between fine gold 
 and alloy. Already the rumor had reached Anne that 
 Aylmer Channing and his wife were not in a felicitous 
 state. The lady was high-spirited and rather inclined to 
 jealousy, while Aylmer still made himself as fascinating in 
 society. It was well fate had interposed and saved Anne 
 from the dreary state of a neglected wife. As for myself, 
 I still thought of my episode with a shiver. How weak I 
 must have been to yield to such folly. Perhaps Mr. St. 
 John was right in his estimate of me; but O, was there 
 no love in the world that could afford to be generous, to 
 forgive freely ? 
 
 It seemed quite natural to go back to school, though 
 Anne was earnest in her entreaties that this should be the 
 last year. Unconsciously a new hope began to animate 
 me. If I could gain my old position, and it seemed al- 
 most possible, I should not hesitate to encounter old 
 friends. Yet I felt a little bitter to think how soon one 
 drops out of memory. Two years before I had been the 
 centre of an -admiring circle; now I suppose this homage 
 was paid to a new star. I was no longer in the ranks. 
 "Well, I had not made one appeal. I had taken fate at her 
 very worst, and meant to fight my own way up again, or 
 remain in obscurity. 
 
 And yet I confess a strange feeling of depression stole 
 over me. My tasks began to prove wearisome. I lived 
 in a constant fever of expectation that was not hope, and 
 began to realize how much I was counting on a, slender 
 reed. If it should fail, what was left ?
 
 256 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 The number of new pupils was quite large, and most of 
 them, it appeared to me, were exceedingly dull. Magda- 
 lene Whitney had come back ; this was her last year. 
 Some wonderful change had befallen her; not merely in 
 disposition, but face and air were softer, sweeter. The 
 girls had always teased her a good deal because she flashed 
 into flame so easily, but now she shunned them. She 
 seemed to desire solitude, and not infrequently I found 
 her in the music-room when there was no practising. 
 
 One day I remember she turned suddenly upon me. 
 
 "Miss Adriance," she said," why do you watch me so?" 
 
 It was the easiest to tell the truth. 
 
 "Because I am interested in you," I answered. 
 
 "Why?" The deep eyes seemed to pierce me through. 
 
 "I don't know that I can explain. You stand so much 
 alone, you are so different from other girls." 
 
 "The difference will not repay your close study;" and 
 her scarlet lips curled with the most superb scorn. 
 
 I made no reply. Why should I care about her, since 
 she evidently desired no one's sympathy ? 
 
 Going to the music-room quite late one afternoon, I dis- 
 turbed her reverie. She appeared confused at first, then 
 bowed coldly, and passed me. Something dropped from 
 the folds of her dress. I picked up a note with a broken 
 seal, but bearing no superscription. I took it to my own 
 apartment, and as I laid it on the table the seal caught my 
 eye fairly. "A. C.," with a quaint device that I knew 
 well. I started in the utmost surprise. 
 
 The rules of correspondence were very strict, but I knew 
 the system of smuggling letters was brought to a state of 
 high perfection among school-girls. My duty was to hand 
 this over to Mrs. Ellingwood, who would not scruple to 
 read its contents. I had a more than passing interest in 
 it, if it was as I suspected. I took the note out of its en-
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 257 
 
 closure, therefore, and glanced at the heading, "My 
 clearest Magdalene," in Aylmer Channing's light, grace- 
 ful chirography. I conld not mistake it. 
 
 I had not thought the man a deliberate villain before. 
 With a girl of Magdalene's nature, the acquaintance could 
 not be one of calm friendship, though that would be little 
 to his taste. In his search for something new and piquant, 
 I could see just how she had attracted him. Her spirit 
 and daring, her fiery, passionate nature, her strange, sug- 
 gestive face, had roused him from the tame duties of married 
 life. I question if fidelity was possible to him. Some fatal 
 desire for change swayed him with an irresistible impulse. 
 
 The next morning I summoned Magdalene to my room, 
 as I had resolved upon my course. There was an appre- 
 hensive look in her eyes, and a nervousness quite unlike 
 her usual demeanor. 
 
 " Does this note belong to you ? " I asked. " I found it 
 in the music-room soon after you had left." 
 
 "It does." I watched the eager working of the fingers, 
 but I still retained it in rny hand. 
 
 "I thought such things were forbidden here," I resumed, 
 carelessly. 
 
 " Then you have read it ; you had no right ; " and her 
 face was dark with intense passion. 
 
 "Perhaps you would prefer Mrs. Ellingwood's scru- 
 tiny?" 
 
 "O, you can give it to her," was the scornful reply. "I 
 could defy you both, if I chose." 
 
 "Miss Whitney, I prefer to keep your secret. To be 
 reprimanded can do you no possible good; besides, I have 
 a deeper interest in the affair. Will you tell me where 
 you met Mr. Channing?" 
 
 She turned pale at the mention of the name. After a 
 long pause, she said, slowly, 
 17
 
 258 SYDNIE ADKIANCE, OB 
 
 "I cannot tell you anything. I would gather suffer than 
 break a promise, and a most solemn one binds me." 
 
 Then she folded her hands, and stood calmly waiting, 
 her face settling into impassible lines. 
 
 "Is he your lover?" 
 
 The only answer was a faint flush. 
 
 "I have not read your letter," I went on. "I knew the 
 seal, because I had some acquaintance with this Mr. Chan- 
 ning, and was once engaged to him." 
 
 " Then you hate me, as a matter of course ! " with a bit- 
 ter sneer. 
 
 "As little as I care for him. But he has no right to ask 
 any woman's love, or to win it. He is already married." 
 
 A most indifferent and incredulous smile crossed her 
 face. 
 
 "It is best that you should be convinced," I said. " His 
 cousin was my guardian. I have a friend living in Balti- 
 more who is distantly related to him, ami through either 
 party I could procure you positive proofs. But it would 
 be better for you to write to him once again, and tell him 
 from whom you had the story, and that Miss Adriance is 
 one of the teachers in this place. There is the letter." 
 
 She bowed as she took it, and left the room without an- 
 other word. 
 
 I wondered whether she would have sufficient courage 
 for such a step. That she should take pains to shun me 
 was in no wise remarkable, and I made no further effort 
 to g un her confidence. Indeed, my own affairs occupied 
 much of my thoughts. Every day was bringing me nearer 
 the test of failure or triumph. It was so strange to bear 
 it in this utter solitude no one to uphold me with a 
 smile. 
 
 Yet I believe I was a good deal surprised when the an- 
 nouncement was fairly made. It was the beginning of
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. . 259 
 
 December. A week later I received a parcel by express. 
 I hurried it up to my room with a strange, faint sensation, 
 as if the throbbing of my heart would strangle me. With 
 what eager haste I tore off the wrappings! There, in its 
 bright cover and clear type, was my treasure, the work of 
 hours and moods that had run through the cycle of human 
 joys, delights, fears, and almost despair. I was in a trance, 
 a far-off world of my own ; these faces around me were like 
 some distant visions, these tasks a chain that dragged my 
 body to earth, but did not touch my soul. 
 
 I must confess to an almost wild delight in its first pe- 
 rusal, for the fact of authorship had been hardly realized 
 as yet. In my solitary life it was such a great event. It 
 became love and hope, the solace that happier women find 
 in their homes and children. It was a part of myself, 
 henceforth indissoluble. 
 
 Lest I should fly to the heights of rapture, the publish- 
 ers thought fit to moderate my expectations. Business 
 was very dull, indeed ; they had hesitated about issuing it 
 at such an unfavorable time, but I might rely upon them 
 to do their best, only I must not be too sanguine, or too 
 deeply disappointed in case it was not a success. 
 
 When the first excitement had subsided, and I came 
 back to common life, the whole atmosphere appeared dull 
 and tame. My tense nerves relaxed, my busy brain yielded 
 to a sort of stupor. I could not bring myself to care for 
 anything; I seemed old and worn, jwist the pleasures of 
 youth and hope. A dreariness took complete possession 
 of me. I had made my great effort, like a gamesti r who 
 plays his last card, and not won.
 
 260 SYDNIE ADEIANCE, OR 
 
 CHAPTER 
 
 " The homes we had hoped to rest in 
 
 Were open to sin and strife; 
 The dreams that our youth was blessed in 
 "Were not for the wear of life." 
 
 FRANCES BROWS. 
 
 u Miss WHITNEY is alarmingly ill," was said to me one 
 Saturday, as I came in from a walk. 
 
 I noticed that she had grown paler and thinner with the 
 hard work and holiday excitement, and perhaps another 
 cause. I had been so engrossed with my own thoughts 
 that I had not paid much attention to one who evidently 
 kept at a distance. 
 
 "Is it fever?"! asked. 
 
 "No; hemorrhage of the lungs. The doctor has been 
 with her for nearly two hours. He has but just gone." 
 
 I sought Mrs. Ellingwood immediately. She was much 
 discomposed. 
 
 "A very unfortunate occurrence," she exclaimed, "for 
 which her violent temper is much to blame. The child 
 has no sense or reason, and I verily believe she would have 
 been glad to die on our hands. I never saw so strange a 
 being." 
 
 I went to the infirmary. On a cot lay Magdalene, still 
 deathly pale, and looking more ghastly by the abundance 
 of black hair tumbled about the pillow. She raised her 
 eyes faintly. 
 
 I bent over and kissed her. With a slow motion, she 
 slipped her hand in mine, and the unexpected token filled
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 201 
 
 me with surprise. There were four patients besides her, 
 and as she was no favorite, I knew she would have the 
 least care, so I offered to remain with her that night, to 
 which the nurse gladly assented. 
 
 For several days there was little change in her, then she 
 began to give evidence of rapid improvement. I proposed 
 to Mrs. Ellingwood that she should be removed to my 
 room, as the utmost quiet was indispensable. The lady 
 stared in surprise. 
 
 " You are willing to take a great deal of trouble, Miss 
 Adriance." 
 
 " She will recover so much faster," I returned, quietly. 
 
 As I had never allowed any intimacy with the pupils, 
 she could suspect me of no treasonable design. I think 
 she was rather glad to assent; so, after a little discussion, 
 Magdalene was brought to my room and consigned to rny 
 supervision. She could sit up and help herself in many 
 ways. 
 
 The deep eyes thanked me with wordless gratitude. I 
 knew then that I had found the way to her heart. 
 
 " Why do you care about me, Miss Adriance ? " she 
 asked one evening, when I found her still in her easy 
 chair, after supper. 
 
 "I can hardly tell," I answered, with a smile, " except 
 from the fact of your being so nearly friendless." 
 
 "My own fault, I suppose. I am not an angel in tem- 
 per ; and the girls seem so shallow and insipid, most of 
 them, or else deceitfully wicked. I ought never to have 
 been placed in the world. No one suits me, and I please 
 no one." 
 
 " Perhaps you have never tried." 
 
 " Miss Adriance," after a long silence, " how patient you 
 are." 
 
 " It did not used to be reckoned one of my virtues."
 
 262 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 And then I thought how Mr. St. John had called me un- 
 reasonable and impatient, and found no grace in me. 
 
 " Do yon care to know how " 
 
 Slie made so long a pause that I said presently, in the 
 gentlest of tones, 
 
 " Tell me what you like, Magdalene. I want you to 
 feel quite at ease with me." 
 
 "About that letter. I wrote as you suggested, Miss 
 Adriance. I was so confident that you were wrong. Ah, 
 I can never tell you how I loved him. Remember that 
 from babyhood no one has ever cared for me. I have been 
 handed from one friend to another, until at last a cousin 
 of my mother's proposed to educate me for a teacher. He 
 is in California making a fortune, and this was merely a 
 qualm of duty. Last summer I met /mn, Mr. Channing." 
 She uttered the name with a great effort. " Did you ever 
 love him ?" 
 
 "No," I said, honestly, "but I was fascinated with his 
 grace and beauty, and allowed myself to drift into an en- 
 gagement. I saw a great deal of him, and learned my 
 mistake in time." 
 
 "Well, I loved \\\m. A year ago I would have ridiculed 
 the idea of a broken heart, and what is it but a broken, 
 hopeless life ! It isn't hard to die, then. I met him by 
 accident, and most of our acquaintance was unknown to 
 any one. His passion roused and inspired me. I came to 
 a new and glorious existence, just as if I had passed all my 
 days in a dungeon, and some kindly hand had brought me 
 out to light. Where it would have ended Heaven only 
 knows. After this year I was to belong to him. The 
 promise had but one meaning for me marriage. I re- 
 turned to school envying no queen upon her throne. I 
 was wildly, madly happy, until that day. And even then 
 I did not doubt him. I wrote in the pride of my perfect
 
 TKYING THE WORLD. '263 
 
 faith. Then I waiter! for an answer. Miss Adriance, did 
 you ever wait for anything ?" 
 
 I smiled faintly. 
 
 " I don't believe you know what it means. I was so 
 sure at first. I couldn't count days nor' hours. I did not 
 attempt to make excuses for delay, but as I said, just 
 waited. And that is all." 
 
 She leaned her pale brow against the pillow, fatigued by 
 her long talk. I smoothed the heavy hair and chafed the 
 cold, small hands. Was that all to this life? Alas, I 
 feared so. What could I say to comfort her? 
 
 "Never mind about me," she went on presently. "I 
 wish they had let me die ; but since it was not to be, I 
 shall get better. I do not want to be sent home. The 
 place would be torture to me now, and there is no tender 
 care for which I need long." 
 
 "My dear child, you must be quiet," I said, softly. 
 "You are over exerting." 
 
 "One word more," and the wistful eyes sought to fathom 
 mine. " Miss Adriance, will you love me a little ? I'm 
 humble no\v." 
 
 "My darling;" and I gave her fondest kisses for answer. 
 
 I think a resolute will helped Magdalene very much. 
 She was soon able to go down stairs, and took her place 
 in some of the classes. Yet I had a misgiving that it was 
 not a sound restoration. She still shared my room, and 
 we became strange, warm friends. Once she won from me 
 the whole story of my acquaintance with Aylmer, then his 
 name was dropped forever. Her love had been powerful 
 in its strength and intensity. I felt as if I wanted Aylmer 
 Channing to come and look upon his victim, and learn a 
 lesson for all time as if the man was capable of a deep 
 and la ting impression ! 
 
 When she was a little stronger I placed my book in her
 
 264 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 way, and took a peculiar delight in the interest she mani- 
 fested. It had created no marked sensation ; and I was 
 not enough in the world to understand the import of the 
 few notices that I saw. Perhaps it touched Magdalene 
 the more keenly from its sadness and truth. She literally 
 devoured it. This was sweetest incense, and soothed my 
 despairing heart. Should I confess to her how great a 
 failure I had made? 
 
 Mrs. Ellingwood insisted that Magdalene was well 
 enough to take her place in the school dormitory. I had 
 some fear, but a slight cold was the only immediate con- 
 sequence. When she began to cough, I expostulated a 
 little. Alas! it was too late. One morning I found her 
 vainly trying to thrust out of sight a handkerchief stained 
 with her very life blood. 
 
 "MagdaJene!" I uttered in an agony of apprehension. 
 
 "Hush. I did not mean you to know. I think I am 
 coming to the last. What does it matter ? When I asked 
 for bread I received a stone. My heart has been starving. 
 Will God pity me a little, and give me rest ? " 
 
 How rarely I had thought of Him ! 
 
 "I don't want to go away. When I come to the worst 
 I want you to stay with me. It will not be long." 
 
 " Child," I exclaimed, in terror, " you must have imme- 
 diate attention !" 
 
 "I saw the doctor yesterday. He assured Mrs. Elling- 
 wood that I had only to guard against excitement and 
 over exertion, and should be quite well by summer. That 
 means I shall be asleep under the daisies. God knows 
 best. I shall be glad to go away from all the toil and 
 trouble. Don't wish anything else for me, Miss Adriance. 
 I am quite content." 
 
 Something about her awed me. She had changed so 
 much, grown absolutely dignified and commanding. For
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 265 
 
 several days I debated upon what course I should pursue; 
 then a second attack decided the matter. By accident she 
 was borne to my room, and there I watched her for nearly 
 a month. In that time there came a deep and holy love 
 between us. As if she had learned the secret of life at last, 
 the faith that gains an abundant entrance into heaven. 
 
 During those watchful hours I told the dying girl my 
 secret. Her eyes lighted up with a strange gleam of joy. 
 
 " You will be blest," she said, " in your power to carry 
 joy to weary souls that faint on the highways. God must 
 reward you for all you have been to me." 
 
 I smiled over these tender visions of her last days. It 
 was too late for them to come true, but it was all that her 
 love could give. And one midnight her weary soul flut- 
 tered up to the keeping of angels, leaving only a little 
 death-cold clay in my arms. Seventeen brief years, and 
 the sweetest draught of all turned bitter upon her lips. 
 God help us to keep the faith, and not question too closely 
 why these things are so, 
 
 The event made a great sensation. A death of this kind 
 always fills one with awe, as if it could hardly be time for 
 one to die in the very bloom of youth. Mrs. Ellingwood 
 regretted that she had not sent her home immediately after 
 the first attack. 
 
 But the break closed presently, and we all went on with 
 our duties. Spring was filling up the hollows with the 
 murmurous sound of unchained brooks. The brown hill- 
 sides changed to a faint glimmering green and drowsed 
 sleepily in the sunshine. The pipe of birds sounded sweet 
 in the early morn, and the air was fresh with dewy fra- 
 grance. What was it to me? I was sick and tired of the 
 endless round. Of what avail was it for miserable souls to 
 live at all ! 
 
 My book had been a failure. The hope that I should
 
 2G6 STDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 one day stand proudly in the place I had chosen for my- 
 self reach the temple of fame with full hands, and lay my 
 gift upon the altar was slowly perishing. And now I 
 told myself the truth I could not endure the miserable, 
 aimless life I was leading; but what else was there for me ? 
 To content myself with commonplace duties and events 
 was sure mental starvation. I seemed to be isolated, as if 
 there were a mark upon me, which, others seeing, might 
 avoid. 
 
 I was twenty-two. That was early in life to have the 
 worst of the battle. To sit on this monotonous bank, 
 watching the ebb and flow of life, and never going beyond 
 the dreary-looking shore on either side, was intolerable. 
 
 I was fast becoming irritable, but how could I resist this 
 constant feeling of rebellion ? I could not shut my eyes to 
 the fact that I was out of place; that there was nothing to 
 call forth the energies within me that were absolutely 
 starving for want of proper nourishment and use. 
 
 I cannot make circumstances; I cannot even rule them. 
 I cannot understand life. Why are people created only 
 for misery? It does not sweeten their tempers or improve 
 their hearts, so far as my experience goes. Faith thrives 
 best in the genial warmth of happiness. 
 
 The old cry of the Psalmist rises to my lips, " O that I 
 had wings like a dove, for then I would flee away and bo 
 at rest." 
 
 Still I kept on with my duties, and saw the change that 
 I dreaded approaching nearer and nearer. Anne was as 
 anxious as ever for my visit, and there was no reason why 
 I should not go, but I shrank from it with a curious in- 
 tensity. Torpid as my brain seemed, it had some torturing, 
 sensitive nerves. The sight of her peace and happiness
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 267 
 
 would not soothe this wayward mood. Sometimes I 
 thought of a journey; but where could I go alone? I 
 had no ambition to guide me, no desires. 
 
 It is strange that in some seasons of life one seems to 
 have several distinct individualities. With one I performed 
 each task mechanically. Another seemed drifting about 
 with every passing tide, while a third weakly rebelled, and 
 yet had not sufficient force to marshal the others, or reduce 
 them to obedience. 
 
 I wondered how many times Mrs. Ellingwood would go 
 through the form of a new engagement. Of course I 
 should stay all my life if she wanted me. Then I packed 
 my clothes, put everything in order, and said a few fare- 
 wells. The brightest vision of all was Magdalene at rest in 
 her grave. 
 
 I had no desire to pause in New York, but went direct 
 to Baltimore. I found Anne alone, but bright and happy ; 
 her serene eyes marvellous wells of content. Every event 
 and sight that day is stamped so vividly upon my mind! 
 Her cool, white dress, and a pale pink rose on her bosom^ 
 her baby smiling and winsome, the house with its usual 
 neat adornment. Everywhere repose and peace. 
 
 I had just time to change my dress for the late supper 
 awaiting me, but I could not eat. I sipped my tea lan- 
 guidly, and then took a long draught of cold water, that 
 proved reviving. 
 
 " Your hands are hot and feverish," Anne said presently, 
 " and your temples throb visibly. Are you quite certain 
 it is only fatigue ? " 
 
 "Foolish fatigue at that," I answered, almost sharply, as 
 a keen, cruel sense of disappointment stole over me. I 
 had meant to come to her in such triumph this time. I. 
 was she who was calm and strong, and I a rudderless bark, 
 tossed about by every stray wave.
 
 268 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 "My darling, have you come to any dark days?" 
 
 The sweet voice unnerved me. A choking spasm con- 
 stricted my throat. 
 
 " Am I not your sister, your dearest friend ? Can I not 
 dispel the cloud ? " 
 
 " One comes to the dregs of life occasionally, even if 
 one is not utterly adrift." 
 
 " But there is One who can make the bitter sweet. No, 
 don't look so faithless ; you surely have not cast away this 
 anchor?" 
 
 "Anne," I said, "it is not in the power of some hearts 
 to believe at will. Was there never but one Hagar in the 
 desert, who sat down to perish out of sight of all she 
 loved?" 
 
 " And succor came to her." 
 
 "But in these later days one does not find it so easily." 
 
 " Sydnie, don't you believe that God is still merciful, and 
 listens to all who cry unto him ?" 
 
 " I have ceased to believe anything," I said, with sullen 
 despair. " I have seen all my hopes perish miserably, and 
 am ready to cry, Let me die with them." 
 
 " My darling, you are ill and dispirited." 
 
 "Anne," I exclaimed, vehemently, " you peaceful, happy 
 women can never understand the struggles of others tor- 
 mented before their time. Why is such continual suffering 
 permitted? Why arc people created with hearts that only 
 the highest aspirations can fill, and then doomed to remain 
 forever barren of fruit ? Why do we wander in deserts, 
 and clasp phantoms when we fold our hands together?" 
 
 " We would be less free if God did not permit us to 
 stray and follow our own devices. But he is ready to 
 bring us back when we earnestly desire it. And for the 
 suffering and sorrow why question if we do our part to 
 relieve the oppressed ? "
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 269 
 
 "I have exhausted life," I said. "I have come to the 
 end, and all is darkness." 
 
 " I am not going to let you talk in this despairing fashion. 
 Your nerves have been strained to the utmost, and it is 
 folly to rasp the tender edges. You shall go to bed and 
 rest." 
 
 She led me to my chamber, and the ministrations of her 
 cool, soft hands tranquillized rne. Then she kissed me and 
 bade me sleep. 
 
 A broad sheet of moonlight lay on the floor like a silver 
 lake. The peerless blue of the sky was broken by stars 
 of faint gold, and the trees were edged with white as in a 
 monochrome. I rose and went to the window, sitting a 
 long while in the mild air, fragrant with night dews. But 
 it could not cool the fever of my brain. Strange, distorted 
 visions glimmered before my eyes. The old solitude of 
 childhood oppressed me ; then I was Hearing my bridal 
 with Aylmer Channing, and no hand was stretched forth 
 to save rne. Snowy robes mocked me with their softness. 
 There was a dazzle of lace and satin, a smothering sweet- 
 ness of perfume, and in my wildness I broke away from 
 it all. 
 
 Then the vision changed. St. John and I rambled 
 through the leafy groves at Laurelvvood. Listening to his 
 voice, I grew calm again, and though I knew it was a 
 dream, the old spell reasserted itself. My heart, long cold 
 and arid, softened to these tender tones. I seemed to 
 realize now how this man had loved me, and what heaven- 
 ly satisfaction life might have been with him. Yes, I had 
 cast away my pearl because of some flaw in the setting. 
 
 Did I sleep then? I do not know. It was a long, 
 blessed unconsciousness of pain or want, a sense of perfect 
 rest. I was satisfied to be at peace at last.
 
 270 SYDNIE ADBIANCE. OR 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 " Cast off the weakness of regret, and gird tbee to redeem thy loss; 
 Thou hast gained in the furnace of affliction 
 Self-knowledge, patience and humility." 
 
 PKOVERBIAL PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 I REMEMBER rousing myself one day and glancing out 
 of the window, surprised that it was not draped in moon- 
 beams as I saw it last. Instead, a soft rain pattering on 
 the leaves without. 
 
 I tried to rise, but my head fell back upon the pillow. 
 Anne was beside me in a moment. 
 
 I experienced a weak, confused consciousness of having 
 been ill, though then I felt well at heart. 
 
 " How long have I been here, Anne?" I asked. 
 
 " A month. But you are better now." 
 
 " Have I been very sick ? " 
 
 She kissed me tenderly, her eyes swimming in tears. 
 
 I don't know why, but I felt glad and happy, just as if 
 it were a pleasant thing to come back to life. She, seeing 
 this, smiled. 
 
 I begin to understand some of these mysteries better. 
 I have been groping about in the dark, intent upon my 
 own way, trying to force a path through thorny hedges, 
 while JQtt outside lay the clear road. My imagination had 
 been roused to some great achievement, rather than my 
 soul awakened to the serious and earnest duties of life. 
 
 Lying there, day after day, too weak to talk much, but 
 with a mind cleared from all its doubts and distraction, I
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 271 
 
 was content merely to exist. Whatever the future held 
 for me would come in its own good time. The calm that 
 followed was delightful in its entire peace. Anne's slender 
 figure, nearly always robed in white, angel-like in its har- 
 monious movements, comforted me exceedingly. She had 
 found the grand secret of a happy life, which must ever be 
 more of a triumph than a happy death. Her whole study 
 seemed to be how she could best minister to others. The 
 highest and purest philosophy lies herein, for this broad, 
 comprehensive charity alike blesses the bestower and the 
 recipient. 
 
 I felt humbled as I glanced over my past. "What had I 
 ever done for another ? Ellen's happiness had, after all, 
 been more the result of circumstances. Poor Magdalene 
 I had taken to my heart, biit it had been purely material 
 comfort I had never been able to appeal to her soul, for 
 my own was in the depths of doubt. I preferred to be 
 wretched ; I fanned each trivial circumstance into a with- 
 ering flame that scorched, but did not consume. Though 
 I had borne my misfortunes with outward equanimity, my 
 heart had rebelled continually. I had exaggerated my ills, 
 and transformed them into mountains. 
 
 I cannot say that I gave up my one great hope without 
 a pang. Was the quality I had fancied genius a wretched 
 impostor only? Did God mean that I should always keep 
 to common ways, and glorify them by patience and love 
 to my kind? 
 
 At last I said, "Not my will, but Thine." Not from 
 apathy, but humility and Designation. And then I was 
 ready to begin life again. 
 
 The first of September was coming on apace. I realized 
 that I should not be strong enough to fill my old position, 
 and wrote to Mrs. Ellingwood to that effect. Anne was 
 eve) joyed.
 
 272 SYDNIE ADPJANCE, OK 
 
 " I have a book for you to rend," she said one morning 1 . 
 "Mr. Otis and I liked it so very much, and I have been 
 waiting for you to improve sufficiently to undertake it. I 
 can't tell Avhy ; but there is so much in it that reminds me 
 of you. I should have written to you about it, only I 
 wanted to watch the effect it would have upon. you." 
 
 I smiled a little. 
 
 She came with it in her hand. " It is not merely for 
 the sake of the story," she went on, and then my eyes 
 caught the title. My own book ! The crimson blood 
 rushed to my face in torrents, and I trembled violently in 
 every pulse. 
 
 "Why, what is the matter?" and her sweet eyes were 
 filled with amazement. 
 
 " I have read it," I stammered. 
 
 " Do you know anything about it ? It was published 
 last winter ; but I believe it did not begin to attract much 
 attention until spring. The author seems to be enveloped 
 in profound mystery." 
 
 I covered my face with my hands. That she should 
 bring these precious tidings to me ! 
 
 "I almost believe you wrote it yourself, and yet I 
 never thought of that before. Confess ! " 
 
 Her voice had a certain exultant ring that inspired me. 
 
 " It is mine," I said under my breath, scarcely daring to 
 lay claim to it. 
 
 "My darling!" and with a glad cry there came a rain 
 of kisses upon my forehead, baptizing me afresh. O, 
 blessed sympathy of friendship, with the bliss, but not the 
 torture nor wild desires of love ! And then we clasped 
 hands in that cordial tenderness that needs no words, but 
 is a language unto itself. 
 
 " How blind I must have been ! Nay, I think I had a 
 dim perception that in it I saw your soul. When you
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 273 
 
 taught these earnest-, glowing truths, my dear friend, had 
 they no voice for you ?" 
 
 "Anne," I rejoined, *' I have suffered much bitter self- 
 upbraiding. I wrote the book in spells of something that 
 appears to me now like inspiration. The rest of my life 
 was wretched and dreary in the -extreme. I had reached 
 that utter weariness of heart and soul when all is black 
 unbelief. I wanted fame success. Pride was my domi- 
 nant ruler apd guide. I have been justly punished." 
 
 " But you have achieved success ! Why, the book is 
 everybody's admiration. You have only to confess, and 
 you will find yourself famous," 
 
 Sweet words from the lips of love. Nothing ever 
 thrills one so completely as that sense of first triumph, all 
 the dearer and more satisfying for the many hours of de- 
 spair that had preceded it. But my eyes filled with tears, 
 rapturous, yet strangely sad, and for many moments we 
 were both silent. 
 
 "I must hear all," Anne said at length. "How well 
 you kept your secret ! yet I shall have to exercise a good 
 deal of Christian charity in order to forgive you for shut- 
 ting me out of your confidence." 
 
 I told her the whole story. It appeared* strange even 
 to myself. Anne's sympathy was unbounded; more than 
 once I saw the tears softly falling. 
 
 "O, my darling, how you have suffered!" she said at 
 length, with a tremulous sob. 
 
 " You must not pity me, nor help me to make a martyr 
 of myself, I am done with that forever. I turned wil- 
 fully away from the light, and God allowed me to wander 
 in the darkness of my own making." 
 
 "I think there is a time in nearly all our lives when We 
 go into the wilderness, and are tempted of the devil. It is 
 only by keeping close to God that we escape." 
 18
 
 274 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 I understood the peculiar light in her tender eyes. She, 
 too, had known the anguish, the passion, and pain of 
 standing a brief while without the portals of hope. 
 
 But the marvels for the day were not ended. I received 
 a brief letter from Mrs. Ellingwood, expressing much regret 
 that I would not be able to resume my place, and offering 
 to wait a month. She enclosed a letter that had come 
 while she was away, and had been mislaid. It was from 
 my publishers. They were very much encouraged at the 
 late success of my book, and proposed that I should come 
 to New York, if it was convenient, as there were several 
 points in the business they wished to discuss with me. 
 It had been written a month before. 
 
 I was too tired and excited to sleep well that night, 
 yet was not materially worse the next day. Some time 
 elapsed before we recovered our nsual serenity ; indeed, 
 the whole course of my life appeared changed. New 
 plans and aims haunted me continually; but I tried to 
 keep my expectations within bounds. It was only one 
 little step in a long journey. 
 
 I made arrangements to go to New York as soon as 
 possible, asking Mrs. Westervelt to take me in during my 
 stay, to which she readily agreed. I longed to see the 
 Bweet, motherly face again. She was very lonesome, 
 missing the society of Philip and Ellen very much. They 
 did not expect to return until mid-winter. 
 
 Anne was loath to have me go, but she yielded her de- 
 sires in her own sweet fashion. Her brother Walter had 
 been in Italy nearly a year, and was making rapid im- 
 provement in health as well as art. " I shall have an in- 
 terest in two famous people," she said, with her bright 
 smile. 
 
 I found that Mrs. Westervelt had lost none of her 
 charms. I wag the better able to appreciate the exceed-
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 275 
 
 ing loveliness of her character, and the refined and tender 
 geniality of her temper. Crowds of olden memories 
 thronged about me, filling the very rooms and halls with 
 phantoms. I almost expected to see Mrs. Lawrence enter 
 in all her airy grace and beauty, and meet Mr. St. John's 
 deep, questioning eyes. There in the library a strange 
 little episode had occurred ; and I felt the blood mantling 
 my brow at the very thought. Did he remember it? 
 What spirit had possessed us in those days, in all days 
 indeed? Had it been love, or simply desire to rule to 
 gratify a longing for power and influence ? I wondered 
 if we would ever meet again, and how ? Mrs. Westervelt 
 talked them both over in her delightful fashion, but what 
 did she know of him ? I smiled to myself. 
 
 Mrs. Varick, nee Laura Hastings, was living in elegant 
 style. Gertrude, also, had married, and Mrs. Hastings might 
 well plume herself upon her success. I did not care to see 
 either of them ; indeed, I desired quiet and seclusion. I 
 told Mrs. Westervelt the story of the past two years, or 
 at least the main incidents, and surprised her greatly by 
 the new triumph I had gained. After my first business 
 interview, I felt quite assured that success was possible. I 
 had gained a little fame and made a little money, but it 
 was a very fair beginning. The prospect warranted my 
 continuance ; yet now I found myself wondering whether 
 I should ever do as well again. I received the most gra- 
 cious encouragement, and resolved that I would not fail 
 for lack of trial, at least. There was much to do before I 
 could repose in the shadow of my well-earned laurels. 
 
 I sometimes wonder whether there is any settled plan 
 to life. I determined to return to Baltimore, and devote 
 my winter to writing another book. I was making my 
 last call at the little office that I had once entered with 
 such trembling steps, when I met a sister of my publisher,
 
 276 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 a pale, sweet-looking woman, hardly middle age, but bear- 
 ing marks of great fragility of constitution. She was on 
 the eve of going abroad, but had met with some disap- 
 pointment, I gathered from the few sentences I heard. As 
 it did not concern me, I paid little attention to their con- 
 versation. I had just risen, and was about to leave them, 
 when there was a flutter beside me, and a familiar face 
 glanced into mine. 
 
 "O, Miss Adriance!" 
 
 Grace Endicott had been a pupil at Elm Grove Semi- 
 nary. The similarity of names had escaped me. 
 
 " Have I kept you waiting, mamma?" she asked, eagerly. 
 "I was detained unavoidably." Then to me, "Miss Adri- 
 ance, I am delighted to see you. Mamma can bear witness 
 that I have been won by your wonderful gift of music. It 
 has actually inspired me." 
 
 She was one of the few girls it had been no trouble to 
 teach ; a great favorite with all in school ; yet I had held 
 myself aloof from the girls, and hardly felt familiar. 
 
 " This is your Miss Adriance, then ?" her mother said. 
 
 The word, simple S it was, touched me profoundly. Had 
 I unwittingly inspired this girl with regard ? 
 
 "I wish she was mine," Miss Endicott exclaimed, impul- 
 sively ; " then we would take her to Europe, mamma, and 
 have no more worry. Miss Adriance, are you not going 
 back to Elm Grove ? " 
 
 " No," I replied. 
 
 "And are you quite at liberty?" 
 
 "My dear," her mother said, mildly. 
 
 "O, mamma, it would be just what we want. And may- 
 be Miss Adriance would like to travel. I'm enchanted 
 with the idea of going; and I never knew any one who 
 did not sigh for Italy." 
 
 " I shall have to explain," Mrs. Endicott began, with a
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 277 
 
 winsome smile. ""We expect to be abroad for two or 
 three years; but Grace is so young that her father does 
 not like to trust her altogether to foreign teachers. We 
 want some one who is capable of exercising a supervision 
 over her, and who would prove a companion for me. Just 
 as we thought ourselves nicely suited, a break occurred in 
 the negotiations, and we all regretted it extremely. It 
 would be so much more pleasant to have a person who 
 was not an entire stranger ; but I suppose your arrange- 
 ments would not permit of such an engagement, even if it 
 should prove otherwise agreeable. Pardon us both for 
 mentioning it." 
 
 There was something so refined and lady-like in her 
 demeanor that it won me instantly. Then the proposal 
 did look tempting. It would be many years before I could 
 afford such a journey as a luxury; and in the life I pro- 
 posed to myself the culture and knowledge thus acquired 
 would prove invaluable. I had no tie to hold me here. 
 Yet I could not decide thus suddenly. 
 
 "If it would not interfere too much with my plans in 
 another direction, I should hardly hesitate," I returned, 
 frankly. 
 
 "Mamma," Grace said, "suppose we take Miss Adriance 
 home with us, and talk the matter over at our leisure." 
 
 Mrs. Endicott seconded the invitation so strongly that 
 I acquiesced. Their carriage was at the door, and entering 
 it, we drove to a quiet but aristocratic part of the city. 
 
 Grace was vehemently urgent. In vain her mother tried 
 to restrain her. Still she was charming, and would prove 
 a pleasant charge, I thought. 
 
 We discussed the matter at length. The duties would 
 be light, leaving me much leisure time, if I could manage 
 not to be distracted with the constant variety of travelling, 
 though they expected to go to Florence immediately, and
 
 278 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 remain there for the first winter. The proffered salary was 
 liberal, to say the least. 
 
 In return, I informed Mrs. Endicott of my desires. It 
 certainly was one of those cases of mutual attraction, and 
 seemed to promise a delightful acquaintance. I staid to 
 lunch, and was then sent home in the carriage, the ladies 
 promising to call upon me in a few days. 
 
 I related my odd encounter to Mrs. Westervelt that 
 evening, as we sat alone. 
 
 " It looks very tempting to you, I dare say ; but, my 
 dear, I wish you had been more like ordinary women." 
 
 " Why ? " and I laughed gayly. " In what respect am 
 I different?" 
 
 "I should like to see you happily married and content." 
 
 "I shall have enough to content me, I am sure." 
 
 " Sydnie, you are still very young, and, may be, have not 
 come to the great want of a woman's life a cheerful 
 household hearth. And though genius may be a fasci- 
 nating possession, I am not sure but it brings in its train 
 restlessness and dissatisfaction with common daily duties. 
 We had other hopes for you, my dear child." 
 
 I understood the allusion, and colored faintly. 
 
 " It hurts me to hear a woman sneer against love, or 
 treat it in the flippant manner so common among girls of 
 the present day," she continued. " If any feeling is held 
 in holy reverence, that should be." 
 
 " I shall always honor pure, true love," I said, with emo- 
 tion. 
 
 She glanced earnestly in my face. I know we both 
 thought of Mr. St. John ; but there was nothing I could 
 tell, and her delicacy forbore to question. 
 
 Grace came the next day, and spent an hour with me, 
 quite delighting Mrs. Westervelt. 
 
 The longer I considered the scheme, the more feasible
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 279 
 
 it became. I went to Mr. Harold and asked his advice 
 for the grave, kindly face held a potent charm for me. 
 
 It was advisable that I should follow up my first success 
 as soon as possible; but he thought the merits of the tour 
 would outweigh its few disadvantages. He was extremely 
 fond of his sister, and really desirous that I should go, 
 though he would not urge. The interview decided me, 
 however. 
 
 When Mrs. Endicott came, I gave her my answer, and 
 she expressed her warmest satisfaction. They were anx- 
 ious to start by the middle of October, which gave me 
 but three weeks in which to complete my arrangements. 
 It was best to return to Baltimore immediately. 
 
 Anne and Mr. Otis both congratulated me upon my im- 
 provement : I had begun to look quite like myself. I 
 could not spoil my first day's pleasure by the announce- 
 ment of my speedy departure, though I smiled a little 
 over Anne's castle-building. 
 
 " I am so glad to have you back again," she said, the 
 next morning. " I've planned such lovely times for the 
 winter; and, as you write your new book, I shall read and 
 criticise. Are you afraid, that you look so sober?" 
 
 " I shall not be here, my dear friend," I said, with a touch 
 of sadness, for I had begun to realize how sweet it was to 
 be so well loved. 
 
 "Not here?" she echoed, in dismay. 
 
 " I am going to Europe." 
 
 " Have you made your fortune, or is some one going to 
 send you as a travelling correspondent?" she asked, in as- 
 tonishment. 
 
 " Neither ; " and then I explained what had befallen me. 
 
 " It is selfish to be sorry ; but I had counted so much 
 upon our enjoyment together I I am never to have you, 
 it seems."
 
 280 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 "'There nre a good many ye firs yet to come," I rejoined, 
 
 "And hosts of friends, possibly a husband." 
 
 At this I shook my head. 
 
 " Have you taken a vow of celibacy?" 
 
 "Not exactly. Out of the three IViends, one ought to 
 remain single. You and Laura are married." 
 
 " And I used to think you would be the first to go." 
 
 "Undiscovered merit;" and I laughed. 
 
 "You really did not care for Ayhner?" 
 
 " Set your heart at rest. I am thoroughly ashamed of 
 that episode. His cruelty towards Magdalene crushed out 
 the last vestige of even friendly feeling." 
 
 "And you ::re quite fancy free?" 
 
 "Worshipping the hero of my dreams," I said, with a 
 rising color. 
 
 Though Anne "was grieved to the heart, she gave me 
 all the assistance in her power. My wardrobe had not 
 been replenished since the Laurel wood days, and many 
 dresses needed only alteration and retrimming to make 
 them presentable. Some I never should wear again. I 
 seemed so much older and graver than when those mar- 
 vellous robes of tulle and lace were fashioned. And the 
 
 " Something sweet 
 That follows youth with flying feet)" 
 
 was forever gone. 
 
 I was not hopeless nor dispiiited, and yet there were 
 moments when the years looked long and almost weari- 
 some. After fame was gained, and the restless yearning 
 for change satisfied, what then ? 
 
 The partings were all ended at last, and I stood on the 
 steamer's deck, catching last glimpses of New York. Once 
 I had rocked to the plash of the tide up there in the river, 
 viewing a sunrise. Everywhere something recalled Mr. 
 St. John. He would Lear of my departure, also of my
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 281 
 
 debut in the world of literature, and be in nowise affected. 
 Well, I had found a place in the world, and a work to do, 
 and that ought to satisfy. 
 
 Does it ? 
 
 No. Are women such weak, unreasonable beings that 
 they must long continually for a crumb of love ? 
 
 It humiliated me to confess it, even to myself; and yet, 
 as Mr. St. John's wife, I should know more perfect, satisfy- 
 ing happiness in a month, than in all my solitary lifetime. 
 I can see now my fatal, irremediable mistake.
 
 282 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, Ott 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 " Life will not flow as rivers flow, nor seas; 
 It is a flood but made of raindrops ; days, 
 Hours, aud moments; several, pitiless." 
 
 IT is a long while since I have looked at this journal. 
 
 A life that is at once changeful, busy, and interesting 
 leaves little time for retrospection. Mine has been crowded 
 with delight and variety, and I have known more real 
 enjoyment than I once thought possible. 
 
 In the Emlieotts I found warm and delightful friends. 
 Mrs. Endicott seems like an elder sister, for she has none 
 of Mi-s. Westervelt's motherly ways. Grace was piquant, 
 charming, and full of girlish enthusiasms. In her I dis- 
 covered many things that reminded me of myself, in my 
 impulsive, undiscipined girlhood. 
 
 After geeinj; us domesticated at Florence, Mr. Endicott 
 
 O ' 
 
 left for Paris and London, whither business called him. 
 We were occupants of a picturesque old house that had 
 doubtless been a palace in bygone year?. At first I be- 
 lieve I was a little disappointed in the place. The nar- 
 row, irregular streets, and tall houses, with their sleepy, 
 ruinous look, was so different from the busy life to which 
 I had been accustomed. But in the distance the masses 
 of hills sloped down to the lazily flowing Arno, while 
 northward rose ranges of mountains. Here and there 
 olive orchards waved their branches in the soft sunshine, 
 gardens, vines, and flowers dawned upon us at every 
 turn. We spent many a day in rambles about the sub-
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 283 
 
 urbs of this curiously historical city, and by degrees began 
 to feel at home. 
 
 The mornings were generally devoted to study. I 
 yielded to the spell of delicious languor, and for weeks 
 spent my leisure in reading aloud or idly dreaming. It 
 was delightful merely to breathe. I found my duties both 
 light and pleasant. We haunted the old churches, lis- 
 tening to masses as we had never heard them rendered 
 before. When I roused myself to work, the trance still 
 pervaded every fibre of my being, and under its enchant- 
 ing influence I wrote of beauty, nature, and love. 
 
 Early in the summer we began to travel. Switzerland, 
 Germany, the Rhine, France, and a glimpse into Spain. 
 The second winter we spent at Rome. Mrs. Endicott's 
 health was much improved, and we had settled to a warm, 
 steady friendship. She was deeply interested in my pur- 
 suits, and delighted with my success. I hardly recognized 
 myself in this life of continual charm and variety. 
 
 One of my earliest friends in Home was Walter Suther- 
 land, lie was still delicate with a high-bred spiritual 
 beauty that seemed almost unearthly in his moments of 
 enthusiasm. His whole soul was in his art, just as it had 
 been in boyhood. Mrs. Endicott became greatly interested 
 in him, but Grace found a stronger attraction in a com- 
 panion of his, a young artist also. Arthur Wanlleigh was 
 eminently calculated to please women, not with the super- 
 ficial charm that had won Mr. Channing his successes, but 
 a true and earnest soul. She sat to him for a pit-lure, and 
 he strolled in nearly every evening for music and a social 
 chat. How well I remember the long room with its an- 
 tique furniture and polished floors, the piano at one end, 
 and those two youthful faces smiling, lighting up with a 
 word, or joining their voices in some sweet harmony. In 
 the centre, the table with its books, papers, and vase of
 
 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 flowers, Mrs. Endicott in her great chair, and a group 
 gathered around, eagerly discussing art, science, poetry, 
 politics, or religion. It was a kind of life nearly perfect in 
 its enjoyments, and influenced me in a peculiar manner. 
 
 Although we were not much in society, we had many 
 agreeable friends. One evening, I think it was during 
 Lent, Mr. Wardleigh brought a young American to call 
 upon us. We found him exceedingly entertaining. His 
 two sisters had been abroad several years, and he had but 
 recently rejoined them. It seemed like a little glimpse of 
 my native land, and was the more to me in that he had 
 met the "Westervelts, indeed was quite welt acquainted 
 with Philip. 
 
 " How really charming you were to Mr. Clifford," Grace 
 said, with a gay laugh. " I'm not sure that it is quite 
 right to make yourself so fascinating to susceptible young 
 men." 
 
 " Neither of us are in any danger, I think," was my grave 
 reply. 
 
 " Didn't he make you a trifle homesick with all that talk 
 about old friends ? Once or twice there was such a soft, 
 strange light in your eyes. I do not want you to be seized 
 with a longing for home just yet." 
 
 I started at this, then said that I thought my reign as 
 governess would presently come to an end. 
 
 She colored at my retort. 
 
 We had counted strongly on the service of Passion 
 Week, and went to the Sistine Chapel every day. I do 
 not wonder that the gorgeous ritual wins many admirers. 
 It impressed me with a deep feeling of awe. Great pa- 
 thetic swells of music, the dim lights, and air cloudy with 
 incense, the low-voiced priests and sombre penitential 
 robes, have a wonderful power over the imagination and 
 feeling in such a place, where sculpture, poetry, and paint-
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 285 
 
 ing lend their divine power. And yet there must be times 
 when nothing but true divinity will satisfy the hungering 
 soul. 
 
 I remember glancing over the crowd, and coming to a 
 face and figure that riveted my attention instantly. What 
 there was about it to affect me so curiously I could not 
 tell, unless the long, searching gaze startled me and ren- 
 dered me almost nervous. This stranger was either Eng- 
 lish or American, tall, thin to emaciation, and deathly pale. 
 His hair and beard were snowy white, and the contrast 
 with his large, dark, inexpressibly mournful eyes, was in- 
 describable. Feeble and aged as he appeared, there was a 
 lingering impress of power in every feature. Again and 
 again I encountered the look. 
 
 Grace remarked it also, and spoke of it afterwards. 
 
 " lie appeared well-bred, and a gentleman, but he cer- 
 tainly did stare. There's something suggestive about his 
 face, as if I had seen it under different circumstances," 
 she said. 
 
 " It affects me in precisely the same manner," I replied ; 
 and though I tried to dismiss it, I found that it still haunt- 
 ed me. 
 
 We were in our places the next day, and the unknown 
 in his. I began to have a strange presentiment of evil or 
 misfortune. Of late I had grown serenely happy; now I 
 seemed to have come to the verge of change and danger. 
 
 The pomp of Good Friday was most solemn and im- 
 posing. Just before nightfall we went to the chapel. The 
 setting sun made a dusky crimson twilight through the 
 richly ornamented windows, and at the far chancel the tall 
 candles sent their faint rays over the striking scene. After 
 the priest read the service, the mournful flow of music 
 rolled like great sorrowful waves through the chapel. One 
 by one the candles Avere extinguished. Then a plaintive
 
 286 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 voice took up the cry of desolation, touching every heart 
 by its exquisite pathos, joined presently by a deep, tremu- 
 lous alto, that rendered the sound more like a perfect 
 agonizing wail. 
 
 Suddenly another sound broke the devotional fervor: a 
 human exclamation of pain or grief. There was a stir in 
 the vicinity of our unknown ; indeed he seemed to have 
 fallen heavily backward, but in the crowd we could not see 
 any further movement. I was nervous, and discomposed ; 
 and though the remainder of the service was grand and 
 touching, I hardly listened, and was glad to emerge from 
 the darkened church into the open air and the lingering 
 rays of daylight. We came, singularly enough, upon Mr. 
 Clifford, assisting the very person in whom we had become 
 so interested. His steps were tottering, and his face like 
 death itselfl 
 
 We merely exchanged glances. I was alarmed, and glad 
 to find Mr. Endicott waiting for us. 
 
 Grace told the story, she being much calmer than I. 
 And that evening, when Mr. Wardleigh came, it was re- 
 peated. 
 
 He smiled a little. 
 
 " I think it is Mr. Clifford's uncle, who is an invalid. He 
 has quite large expectations from him, I believe. I have 
 met the two sisters Mrs. Dorrance and Miss Clifford." 
 
 "And the resemblance we could not account for, is to 
 young Mr. Clifford," Grace said, relieved. "Yet there is a 
 shadowy suggestion of something that I can't dismiss from 
 my mind." 
 
 " We had better dismiss it altogether," I returned. 
 
 " How pale you are, Miss Adriance ! And I'm stupidly 
 nervous, for I sec a resemblance in every one to those 
 Cliffords, I believe. Just now your eyes had the exact 
 expression."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 287 
 
 "Tt is oclrl," Mr. "Wardleigh said, "but the first evening 
 Clifford was here I couldn't help thinking he looked like 
 Miss Adriance. I suppose it was only a whim." 
 
 I went to my room presently, but somehow I could not 
 sleep that night. Vague fancies haunted me, out of which 
 I could make nothing tangible. I felt glad that we were 
 Boon to leave Rome, for I was tiring of its lonely magnifi- 
 cence. Indeed, a strange yearning for home came over 
 me. 
 
 But my surprise had not reached its climax. The next 
 morning, as I sat in my room writing letters, Grace entered 
 with a face full of wonder. 
 
 " Mr. Clifford is here, and wishes to see you alone," she 
 announced. 
 
 I started at this. " There certainly is some mystery 
 about it," she went on. " If his uncle were not old and 
 ill " 
 
 " Hush ! " I interrupted, silencing her playful badinage. 
 Then I crossed the hall, but paused several seconds at the 
 door, steadying my nerves.^ 
 
 Mr. Clifford stood by the centre-table, pale and agitated. 
 
 " You must excuse this unseasonable call," he said, with 
 a faint smile; "but it is a work of necessity." 
 
 " Pray be seated," and I placed a chair for him. 
 
 " Miss Adriance," he began, slowly, after quite a pause, 
 "I want you to exonerate me from all motives of imperti- 
 nence or curiosity. I saw you yesterday as we came out 
 of the chapel. I was assisting my uncle, who had been 
 ill " 
 
 " Yes," I said, as he waited. 
 
 "I mentioned your name then. It seems he had been 
 attracted by a singular resemblance to a person long dead, 
 a nephew dearly loved, who married a Miss Adriance. 
 I do not know that it can have anything to do with you ;
 
 288 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 but he was most anxious to learn your antecedents. Of 
 course, if Sidney Clifford had left a child its name would 
 not be Adriance." 
 
 The room swam before my eyes. That old tragedy of 
 love and death rushed through my brain. Sidney Clifford. 
 I remembered that I had inherited my father's Christian 
 name; by one of the odd incidents of fate, his family name 
 I had never known, for my aunts had made Adriance 
 legally mine. Mr. Anthon was probably aware, but he had 
 not mentioned it. 
 
 " I must beg your pardon for startling you in this man- 
 ner," he continued. ""Uncle has some strange whims 
 but Miss Adriance ! " 
 
 He came towards me suddenly. I was not faint, yet I 
 gasped for breath. 
 
 "There was a little girl born to Sidney Clifford. This 
 is her mother's picture." And he opened a locket. 
 
 I uttered a cry of joy and surprise. My own mother, as 
 I had seen her just once. 
 
 " I think he is right. He always supposed the child 
 dead, having been so informed. Miss Adriance, we are 
 something nearer than friends relatives." 
 
 I was in a maze of bewilderment, and hardly knew what 
 to say. Was not the whole affair some idle vision, con- 
 jured up by an old man's diseased brain ? But the picture ! 
 
 " Yesterday, overcome by the warmth of the place, the 
 power of the music, and perhaps his own feelings, he 
 fainted. On leaving the church we met, as you know. 
 He begged me to learn your name, and who you were. I 
 explained immediately, and then he confessed he had 
 watched you for the past week, drawn by some attraction 
 it was impossible to resist. Last night he was very ill. 
 He blames himself, I believe, for many of the misfortunes 
 that befel your parents, and implored me to bring you to
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 289 
 
 him, if I learned that you were really their child. He will 
 tell you the story. I think there can be no doubt. It was 
 one of those unfortunate secret marriages, but our main 
 facts agree, and as he is all impatience I will not delay by 
 further explanations. Will you accompany me thither?" 
 
 I assented, and went to make myself ready, promising 
 to satisfy Grace on my return. I hardly knew whether I 
 believed or not. And as we were rolling through the nar- 
 row street, in spite of the whirl of my brain I fancied that 
 it would be -pleasant to find some one on whom I had a 
 stronger claim than mere friendship. But how many times 
 in my short life I had been cast among utter strangers ! 
 
 I repeated the few facts of my early history to Mr. Clif- 
 ford. During the previous night, when his uncle had con- 
 sidered himself dying, he had spoken of some matters 
 concerning which he had heretofore preserved the utmost 
 silence. 
 
 " Of course," Mr. Clifford explained, " he could not 
 imagine you were alive. The resemblance certainly is ex- 
 traordinary. The first evening that I saw you, you re- 
 minded me of my sisters." 
 
 I had always supposed that I resembled my mother's 
 family. I had a distinct remembrance of my two aunts, 
 and I fancied that as I grew older I looked more like 
 them. Was it the peculiar likeness between myself and 
 the Cliffords that Grace had unconsciously remarked? 
 
 I was in a chaos of amazement and unbelief, or rather 
 that strange sort of fear to which faith appears impossible. 
 As if upon examination some conclusive link would be 
 wanting, and the whole affair fall to the ground like a 
 baseless fabric. 
 
 We arrived at the place presently a lovely, olden- 
 time villa, with a terraced garden, and great trees lining 
 the carriage way as well as the walk. There was an air 
 19
 
 290 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OK 
 
 about it of going into slow decay, and yet it was exceed- 
 ingly lovely. Mr. Clifford led me up the broad arched 
 entrance, whose marble floor gave a faint echo to our 
 tread. A lady, apparently thirty, tall and elegant in the 
 black robe that clung about her with a kind of exquisite 
 grace, came to meet us. 
 
 u I have brought her, Bertha," Mr. Clifford said, and 
 then followed my introduction to Mrs. Dorrance. Al- 
 though stately and commanding, she was very gracious. 
 
 " We owe you some apology for thus startling you with 
 a family history," she went on, in a low, sweet tone. " But 
 if it is true, as our uncle suspects, we shall endeavor to win 
 your pardon by the welcome we shall give you as a 
 relative." 
 
 " There can be no doubt about it, Bertha," Mr. Clifford 
 said. 
 
 " Will you have Miss Adriance lay aside her bonnet and 
 mantle, while I go and prepare uncle ?" 
 
 I understood immediately that I would not be consid- 
 ered an intruder, and this gave me courage. Indeed, they 
 both appeared so intent upon ministering to their relative 
 that the mere influence brought me into the same mood. 
 Mrs. Dorrance made a few explanations while her brother 
 was absent, but he soon came to conduct me to the sick 
 man's apartment.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 291 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 " Many things there ar 
 That we may hope to win with violence; 
 While others only can become our own 
 Through moderation and wise self-restraint." 
 
 GOETHE. 
 
 A CURIOUS awe seized me as I entered the place. The 
 lofty ceiling, frescoed walls, heavy crimson curtains that 
 made a soft twilight through the room, the antique furni- 
 ture and great canopied bed, seemed like a description in a 
 story. The lighter appointments of the place I scarcely 
 noticed then. As the sense of dimness" cleared away, I 
 caught a glimpse of 4 the pale face amid the pillows, and 
 started involuntarily. 
 
 " Sydnie Adriance!" he exclaimed, stretching out his 
 hand with a majestic wave. "Let her stand there in the 
 light, Gorald. My God! how like, and yet unlike. Childj 
 come here, and forgive me before I die. I think I mur- 
 dered your father ! " 
 
 "Go to him," Gerald Clifford said, in a whisper. 
 
 I approached the bed-side. Something in the face ap- 
 pealed powerfully to me. I seemed to lose my own voli- 
 tion and be swayed by his desires alone. A motive I 
 could not understand impelled me to say, 
 
 " I do not think I have suffered much from the past mis- 
 takes of others." 
 
 "Ah, you are generous because you do not know. Ger- 
 ald, give me some cordial, and leave me alone with her." 
 
 The young man obeyed, raising his uncle to a sitting
 
 292 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 posture, and placing a chair for me. For the first few mo- 
 ments the silence was deathly. I glanced at the pallid 
 face, so full of lines, the sunken yet strangely pathetic 
 eyes, and the trembling hand grasping the counterpane for 
 even that frail support. 
 
 " You don't know." The voice was weak and wander- 
 ing. " If he could have given you a father's love and 
 care " 
 
 That touched me. I had never known neglect so far as 
 my bodily wants were concerned, but the sweetness, the 
 tenderness most children have by right of a blessed inheri- 
 tance had fallen out of my life, leaving waste and desolate 
 places. 
 
 " I want to hear your story," he said, presently. " I 
 shall be better able to tell mine then." 
 
 I began with my earliest recollections, which were 
 scarcely beyond that first conversation concerning my 
 father. After that my guardian's visit and my first school 
 experience ; but at the death of my aunts I paused. 
 
 "Go on," he said, with some difficulty. " I want to hear 
 all about this life that I might have made so much 
 better." 
 
 I went briefly over the succeeding years my school 
 life, my introduction to the world, my subsequent loss of 
 fortune, and the years since, with their varied incidents. 
 
 He had grown strangely interested. Through the latter 
 part his eyes had scarcely wandered from my face. I 
 marvelled that I should be able to talk with so little re- 
 serve, but I could see that it pleased him better. Every 
 moment a strong, yearning sympathy drew me nearer to 
 him. 
 
 "My poor child! If I could have known of your ex- 
 istence years ago, Heaven will bear me witness that I 
 would have given you the tenderest care. It was I who
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 293 
 
 visited your aunt, and she told me you were dead. I 
 might have made inquiries elsewhere, but I could riot sus- 
 pect her of any motive for deception, though I could see 
 that she cherished the most bitter hatred towards your 
 father, even in his grave. Both of us sinned in our self- 
 ish love for the one nearest to us. Can it ever be for- 
 given ? " 
 
 A strong impulse led me to clasp my hand over the 
 thin white fingers. It was returned with trembling pres- 
 sure. 
 
 " I must go back to my own early life to make you un- 
 derstand why I loved your father so well. There were 
 two brothers of us, all that were left of a large family. 
 Arnold and I were inseparable, and yet we were very dis- 
 similar. He had a girl's delicacy and fastidiousness, while 
 I was a great strong fellow, able to take life at its hardest 
 or its worst. Why linger*'over that episode? We both 
 loved the same woman, or rather child, a girl so fair, so 
 pure and lovely in soul as well as in body, that all other 
 women failed by comparison. I fancied she loved me in 
 return ; and I watched with keenest eyes, quickened, per- 
 haps, by all I had at stake. With Arnold she was shy 
 and reserved, I thought, shunned rather than sought him, 
 while she caine to me with so winsome a freedom that I 
 laid my whole soul at her feet. Blind dolt that I was, not 
 to see ! feut my passion absorbed sight and sense. One 
 night Arnold came to me, his face fairly transfigured with 
 delight, and his voice tremulous with joy. Muriel loved 
 him, had confessed it, and promised to become his wife. 
 In that moment I was plunged into the blackness and 
 depth of despair. I could have cried out weakly in my 
 agony, but for his sake I held my peace. But the torture 
 of the next few weeks I cannot describe. Even now it 
 comes back fresh and poignant. Muriel was so uncon-
 
 294 SYDNIE ADKIANCE, OR 
 
 sciously sweet and sisterly. I knew then that my own 
 blindness had misled me." 
 
 He made so long a pause that I looked at him in distress. 
 Each respiration was labored and painful. 
 
 "You will injure yourself," I exclaimed, apprehen- 
 sively. 
 
 "I have lived these scenes over continually during the 
 last twenty-four hours. Life is nearly gone what does 
 it matter ? " 
 
 What could I say ? I cast about for some comfort, but 
 none came. 
 
 " I could not stay to see them married. I happened to 
 meet with a fine opening in a mercantile house connected 
 with the China trade, and I resolved to go abroad. I 
 spent nine years there, and amassed a fortune, added to 
 the small one I had inherited. Then I set out upon a tour 
 through all the wonderful countries of the old world 
 India, Persia, Arabia, and Egypt. I had reached the 
 shores of Greece when I received word from JMuriel. 
 Arnold had died suddenly; and in one of the periodic 
 financial convulsions nearly everything had been swept 
 away. I had an abundance for them all, and I hurried 
 back to my native land. I found Muriel lovelier than 
 ever, but in a fatal decline. She grieved continually for 
 her husband. I never saw deeper or truer devotion. 
 
 "There were two children, Sidney, the younger, named 
 for me. There was a peculiar blending of father and 
 mother in him ; he had her soft dark eyes, and her almost 
 heavenly smile, with all his father's delicacy of figure and 
 constitution. From the first hour I took him to my heart. 
 Richard, the elder, was proud, ambitious, and energetic, 
 the kind of boy that appeals so strongly to the pride of 
 most men ; but Sidney I loved with a strange, tender 
 passion.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 295 
 
 w "Well, Muriel died. She never knew my secret here 
 upon earth, and in heaven the angels are pitiful. I took 
 her children as my own. Richard prospered, and grew 
 into a noble manhood. I settled him in business, and saw 
 him married. Bertha, Gerald, and Alice, whom you have 
 not seen, are his children. He, too, died young. 
 
 " Perhaps I was blind in my partiality for Sidney. I 
 do not mean that I was ever ungenerous to Dick ; but upon 
 the younger I lavished all my love. He was so fond and 
 clinging, so affectionate! O, why did I allow this sweet, 
 fond heart to stray from me ? 
 
 "One summer he was barely twenty, and just through 
 college he took a fancy to ramble around with some 
 young companions, as I thought. I had always supplied 
 him liberally with money, and he really had no idea of its 
 value. In most things he was a child. He met your 
 mother, and the two fell headlong in love. After a while he 
 wrote, confessing his attachment; and as she had been 
 subject to what he considered a very cruel persecution on 
 the part of her friends, he proposed to marry her imme- 
 diately, and bring her home. 
 
 "And now comes my own bitter, humiliating confes- 
 sion. My jealous, absorbing love was goaded to madness* 
 To lose him, to have another come between, and see him 
 lavish upon her the boundless wealth of his affection ! He 
 was mine in a peculiar sense. I had given up his mother; 
 but I would not relinquish him. I wrote, and com- 
 manded him to renounce his boyish folly, and return 
 home at once. I blamed the girl as a designing schemer, 
 and refused uttei-ly to see her or receive her. 
 
 "My letter was delayed on its way; and when it 
 reached him, Miss Adriance was already his wife, having 
 clandestinely left her relatives. I was merciless in my 
 anger, and his very tenderness for his bride exasperated
 
 296 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 me. I took a savage delight in announcing that lie Irim- 
 self had made the rupture between us; that he had proved 
 weak, fickle, and ungrateful ; and henceforth he need not 
 look to me for assistance. Since he had chosen her, he 
 must abide by his fate. Henceforward we would be utter 
 strangers. 
 
 "Richard was provoked with his imprudent marriage 
 also. Sidney begged him to intercede, that he might be 
 restored to my favor ; but I would not listen to a word 
 in his behalf. For more than a year we heard nothing 
 from him. I had been away several weeks on some busi- 
 ness; and when I returned, my housekeeper met me with 
 a strange story. Sidney had arrived one evening looking 
 so ill and worn, and so disappointed at my absence, that 
 she had asked him in. He would eat nothing, but begged 
 to be allowed the privilege of going to his old room once 
 more. At midnight, hearing a stir within, she had entered 
 his room, and found him in a wild delirium. That was 
 four days before, and he had alternated between fever 
 and stupor ever since. The physicians despaired of his 
 life. 
 
 " I was stunned by the tidings, and went immediately 
 to him. My darling but O, how changed ! Worn to a 
 skeleton, the thin cheeks a flame of scarlet fire, the soft 
 eyes glared with the fever that was consuming him. All 
 my love rushed back in an instant. I would have given 
 my life to save him. Alas ! repentance everything was 
 too late ! On the ninth day he died. I was holding him 
 in my arms, and I know a faint gleam of consciousness 
 overspread his soul. With one bright, glad smile his spirit 
 went heavenward. 
 
 " For weeks I was plunged into a profound and pas- 
 sionate grief. I scarcely slept, or ate, or thought. I had 
 ordered a brief letter despatched to your mother; but my
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 29? 
 
 tieart was^ still bitter and unjust towards her. I blamed 
 her for all that had occurred. If she had displayed any 
 judgment she would not have rushed upon this evil mar- 
 riage. I laid Sidney's death at her door. 
 
 " Some time afterwards, in looking over a long unused 
 drawer, I found the locket Gerald brought to you, and the 
 last note my poor Sidney had written unfinished at that 
 dated the evening on which he had returned. Some 
 presentiment of coming death had already foreshadowed 
 Lim. He implored me to be kind to his wife and little girl, 
 As your aunt told you, he had overtasked his strength in 
 his endeavor to keep them comfortable; and besides, he 
 had missed my love, and longed for it ardently. I cannot 
 tell you how this touched me. I studied the picture in 
 the locket a sweet, girlish face, so lovely that I almost 
 forgave his fatal passion. 
 
 " As reason returned, I found that I had not been quite 
 free from blame. I had reared him in luxury and idle- 
 ness, given him expensive tastes and habits, and, at the 
 most critical moment of his life, thrown him upon his own, 
 undeveloped resources. He had striven to do his best, 
 and the most severe judge could ask no more. 
 
 " In this softened mood I set out to find your mother. 
 In the city where they had been living all trace of her 
 was lost; but I remembered the name of the town where 
 he had visited her, and began to search for any one by 
 the name of Adriance, I soon found there were two 
 maiden ladies, living in strict retirement, and that this 
 unfortunate girl was their niece. I wended my way 
 thither, and had an interview with one of these women, 
 your great-aunt Hester, it seems. If possible, she was 
 more exasperated about her niece's marriage than I had 
 been, and inveighed most bitterly against her husband, 
 I spoke of the child, and of my intention to take it and
 
 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 care for it ; for, somehow, the thought of a little girl had 
 brought up the image of my lost Muriel. She stopped me 
 by announcing that the child had followed its mother, 
 and that I would forever be relieved of any care in that 
 direction; and there was a kind of haughty triumph in 
 her voice. I was too utterly overwhelmed to make any 
 further inquiries. My last hope of reparation had been 
 swept away. No atonement could be made for my cruel 
 injustice. But I cannot even now understand why they 
 chose to be so mysterious about you." 
 
 The weary eyes sought mine for explanation. The be- 
 seeching pathos nearly unnerved me. 
 
 " It was their pride to keep the last member of their 
 family. They had loved my mother with the same jealous 
 watchfulness;" and then I paused, fearful of wounding 
 him. 
 
 " But I would have forgiven all, and asked to be for- 
 given myself. Heaven knows I was humble enough then j 
 yet it is true I never could have left you entirely to their 
 care. What a life for a child ! Still, I wonder that the 
 prospect of what I would be able to do for you did not 
 have some weight with them. They were not mercenary, 
 we must confess." 
 
 " They possessed sufficient for- me ; " and I gave a faint 
 smile to think how it had gone. 
 
 " And now you know all my sin. Child, do you despise 
 me?" 
 
 I buried my face on the pillow, overcome by a sudden 
 rush of emotion, and tears of the profoundest pity filled 
 my eyes. 
 
 " Sydnie ! It takes me back to the old days. For his 
 sake you must forgive." 
 
 There was an indescribable entreaty in the tone. 
 
 " I forgive all," I said, in a tremulous voice.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 299 
 
 " Strange that love should he at once the blessing and 
 the curse of life ; that our darkest and most unhallowed 
 moments should be swayed by the passion in one form, 
 and our hours of bliss in another. Come nearer, child, and 
 lay your cheek against mine. What mighty voice spoke 
 when I first saw you ? It was no sickly fancy or supersti- 
 tion, but God's divine mandate. You will not leave me, 
 Sydnie. It won't be long. I have passed the boundary 
 of threescore and ten." 
 
 " If you wish me to stay " and then I paused. How 
 would my new cousins view this matter? 
 
 " I wish you to stay." His voice was so faint that I 
 sprang up in alarm, and when I saw how ashen his lips 
 were, I exclaimed, almost in terror, 
 
 " What can I do for you ? We have talked too long " 
 
 " No," he interrupted. " Touch the bell yonder upon 
 the table ; it will summon Gerald." 
 
 Mi'. Clifford came and administered some remedy. 
 
 " Gerald," he said, when he could speak, " this is your 
 cousin, beyond doubt. I wish her to stay with us." 
 
 Gerald was not displeased with the announcement, I 
 could plainly see. 
 
 " Bertha must make her feel at home. I shall have four 
 children now." 
 
 He fell into a drowsy mood presently, and Gerald led 
 me to the sitting-room, where his sisters were engaged 
 with two young children. I felt a little awkward at first, 
 but that soon wore away. I found them really charming, 
 and disposed to be very friendly. Mrs. Dorrance was a 
 widow, and the children were hers. Miss Clifford was not 
 mOue than twenty, smaller than her sister in every respect, 
 and exceedingly winsome one of those appealing faces 
 that win you simply because they seem to desire it so 
 earnestly.
 
 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 After a little the conversation turned upon our relation- 
 ship, and the singular manner in which the explanation had 
 come about. 
 
 " Uncle Sidney's early death always was a great grief to 
 his more than father," said Mrs. Dorrance. " For many 
 years afterwards he lived in seclusion, losing sight of the 
 world altogether. When Mr. Dorrance died, he proposed 
 that Alice and I should go abroad with him ; and for a 
 while his health improved very much." 
 
 An hour or two later I was summoned to the invalid's 
 room again. He had been discussing my coming with 
 Gerald, who had assented to his proposition. The larger 
 part of his fortune was to go to the young man, and Mrs. 
 Dorrance had been left in very easy circumstances. He 
 proposed, therefore, to give me the same amount that Alice 
 was to have, and which Gerald thought quite just. 
 
 " You are very generous," I said to him, in a low tone. 
 
 " We have so few relatives that it is not much tax, you 
 see," and he smiled. " Besides, we take a certain pride in 
 the relationship. You have already won quite a position, 
 and, I think, to be placed above any necessity will leave 
 you much more free to follow your inclinations. My uncle 
 is most anxious that we should have a true and kindly 
 regard for each other." 
 
 His manner had in it more of the brother than the lover. 
 I was glad to see this. 
 
 I was compelled to return home that evening, for I knew 
 Mrs. Endicott would feel alarmed at a longer absence ; but 
 I promised to make all necessary arrangements for a per- 
 manent stay with them. They expected to go to Nice 
 shortly, and desired that I should accompany them. 
 
 At the Endicotts' we sat up half the night, talking. My 
 story appeared more wonderful with every repetition of it. 
 
 " And you are actually related to the Cliffords," Grace
 
 TRYING THE WOELD. 301 
 
 said. " How strange that it should have come about in 
 this manner ! Mamma, what will we do without Miss 
 Adriance ?" 
 
 Mrs. Endicott sighed a little. 
 
 I should be sorry to leave her. The tour had been 
 delightful as well as profitable to me. I had enriched my 
 mind with pictures of storied cities, works of art, sculp- 
 ture, and music. I had seen society in the different na- 
 tionalities, and to me this knowledge would be invaluable. 
 I was reaching the height I had once planned for myself; 
 yet it had not been altogether the work of my own hand. 
 God does not mean that any human being shall stand 
 entirely alone. 
 
 I felt strangely awed and humbled that night. I thought 
 of my parents in their distant graves, their sad, broken 
 lives, and my own eventful existence. I did not question 
 God's providence now, or seek to wrest the inscrutable 
 secrets of fate from him. I had learned to believe to 
 trust. 
 
 In the course of the next fortnight my change was com- 
 plete. There was a very delightful home feeling with the 
 Cliffords. Perhaps what won me the most was the genu- 
 ine cordiality they evinced. No narrow or petty sentiment 
 swayed them. Their natures were at once sweet and 
 noble. 
 
 Arthur Wardleigh won a confession from Grace that I 
 had more than half suspected. They were all to return to 
 America by another autumn, Grace going as a bride. 
 Consequently I would not be as much needed by the gay 
 girl ; but I was 'grieved at parting with Mrs. Endicott, 
 she had proved such a delightful friend. 
 
 Uncle Clifford, as we all called him, improved slowly. 
 He seemed to hold for me the most profound and tender
 
 302 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 regard. I shared the nursing with Gerald and Alice ; in 
 fact we three soon became the warmest of friends. I was 
 so perfectly at ease with them. I liked this atmosphere 
 of affection and refinement, and the once more being my 
 own mistress.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 303 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 " Open the chamber where affection's voice, 
 For rare occasions, is kept close and fine." 
 
 ARTHUR HALLAM. 
 
 WE are at Nice. 
 
 Uncle Clifford has quite recovered his usual health, for 
 he was feeble before the shock he received at our acci- 
 dental meeting. I sometimes wonder if the rest are not 
 jealous, he clings to me so entirely. He walks up and 
 down the shining beach, leaning on my arm, and we watch 
 the ships that skim along in the glancing sunlight, or look 
 over the blue rippling waters, that join a faint chorus with 
 the fragrant murmurous air. Or we sit and rest on a rude 
 rustic bench, talking over the past. He loves to speak of 
 my father. I remember when my swelling child's heart 
 first broke its bonds of thraldom, and was filled with love 
 for him. Then he predicts a brilliant future for me. 
 
 What do I care for fame now? The great world is 
 shut out. We have a sweet, sunny nook by ourselves. 
 
 Then I wonder at my former unrest. I think of the 
 days of my pride and waywardness, when I left the Eden 
 of my first love to become a wanderer. Is it blooming 
 yet ? What does it matter? I can never enter it again. 
 
 By and by we no longer walk to the beach, but watch 
 the ships and listen to the fisher's song from our windows. 
 What if there is another ocean nigh at hand, to be crossed 
 by one alone? 
 
 Cannot human love make chains strong enough to hold
 
 304 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 the dear one back ? Ah, would it when the close of a 
 long and wearisome pilgrimage is reached ? 
 
 Every day takes him one wave nearer the haven of 
 rest. The end is coming tranquilly, like a calm autumn 
 season, whose spring shall open in the fields of light. Love 
 is unbound from its chains of passion and selfishness, and 
 grows into the likeness of the divine. 
 
 Then a time comes when he lies quiet and helpless. 
 Fond hands minister to him. Now and then I sing some 
 of the old hymns he loves so well, and the peaceful light 
 in the. tender eye thanks me with wordless gratitude. 
 
 At last we all stand beside him as the sunlight dies out 
 over the far waters, and its last rays fall like an aureole 
 around the marble-bued face. The hand I hold in mine is 
 cold and pulseless. The lips move faintly. I bend over 
 and kiss them softly, and there is a little quiver in the air, 
 a flutter heard but unseen. 
 
 We who are left clasp hands with a sudden sense of 
 desolation. He has crossed the swelling flood, to go no 
 more out from the presence of the living God. 
 
 There was no reason why we should remain abroad after 
 Uncle Clifford's death. Mrs. Dorrance was really anxious 
 to return, and I was quite satisfied with my ramblings. 
 
 " Alice is to be married," she said to me one day, as we 
 were making our arrangements. " She postponed it for 
 the sake of accompanying Uncle Clifford, but her lover has 
 grown impatient. I have a large house in New York, and 
 shall be most glad to receive you there. We should be as 
 sisters; and I have promised to do all in my power to 
 make you happy." 
 
 I knew to whom her promise had been given. 
 
 "You are very kmd>" I said, from my full heart.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 305 
 
 "Let us try it then. You shall be free to visit friends, 
 but that will be your home." 
 
 "When Alice heard the decision she was delighted. 
 
 " You see we mean to enforce our claim," she said, with 
 a smile. 
 
 It was August when we reached New York. Every- 
 thing appeared strange and unreal to me. And being 
 called Miss Clifford, as that was one of the terms of my 
 uncle's will, keeps me in continual doubt of my own 
 identity. 
 
 As soon as the house could be put in order, Alice was 
 quietly married. For the present her home was to be 
 with her husband's mother. Then I made Anne a visit, 
 and all the incidents since my departure had to be re- 
 hearsed, though I had written them in the order of their 
 coming. 
 
 " And this cousin Gerald ? I heard you had married 
 him abroad." 
 
 " What an absurd story ! " I exclaimed. 
 
 "1 don't see any absurdity about it." 
 
 " Its very improbability renders it so." 
 
 " Is it so utterly impossible ? You are not really own 
 cousins, you know if that is a scruple." 
 
 " We are very good friends, and can never be anything 
 more. Gerald hag an ideal as unlike me as you can well 
 imagine." 
 
 " Young men change their ideals;" and she laughed. 
 
 " Well, I could never love him ; and there you have all 
 the truth." 
 
 " How odd you are ! " was her simple reply. 
 
 Another baby had been added to the household, and 
 two of Anne's sisters were married. They were still pros- 
 perous and happy. She made me describe Walter again 
 and again, and was delighted with his prospects. 
 20
 
 30G SYDNIE ADMANCE, OH 
 
 After all it was nearly Christmas before we became set- 
 tled. I had two elegant rooms, and was left at liberty to 
 do quite as I liked. Mrs. Dorrance was generally busy 
 with her children during the morning, and I read or wrote 
 as the whim dictated ; and after lunch we drove out, did 
 shopping, and made a few calls, or staid at home to re- 
 ceive them. Gerald was in nearly every evening. 
 
 I ought to have been entirely satisfied with this life. I 
 was an heiress again, with an assured position. I had, 
 moreover, established my claim to the world's favor, and 
 needed not to seek, but was sought. I could have reen- 
 tered society immediately ; indeed, Mrs. Dorrance wished 
 to afford me every advantage in her power, though since 
 her husband's death she had lived in a very retired manner. 
 
 I had also resinned my friendship with the Westervelts. 
 Philip and Ellen were little changed, except the peculiar 
 change that occurs to most married people whose hearts 
 are strongly centred in their homes. Two children had 
 been born to them ; and Ellen seemed to have small inter- 
 est beyond her domestic cares and pleasures. I do not 
 mean that she had grown narrow or indifferent to the wel- 
 fare of others ; she was too thoroughly noble for that; and 
 yet some way we seemed to have drifted apart. Was I 
 growing cold and self-absorbed, I asked myself. 
 
 But one day an incident brought me quite back to the 
 old life. The servant announced that a lady wished to see 
 me in the drawing-room, and gave me a card. To my 
 surprise I read the name of Mrs. Varick. 
 
 I went down immediately, and had scarcely entered 
 the door when Laura's light laugh greeted me. She was 
 thinner than in her girlhood's days, and with a certain 
 fashionable affectation. 
 
 "My dear creature," she exclaimed, " I have been dying 
 to see you for the last three months, and martyred myself
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 307 
 
 by attending literary parties that were perfect bores, just 
 in the hope of meeting you. At last I've had the courage 
 to come." 
 
 "Then you have not forgotten me?" I said, amused. 
 
 "It always was my style to pay court to rising stars, you 
 remember. I am as honest as ever; and you know that 
 I liked you, odd as you were. Why, you've hardly 
 changed a bit. I've faded frightfully ; but it is rather a 
 comfort to Mr. Varick to have me grow old. And so 
 you're famous, and have another fortune, and are to marry 
 very nicely, after all. I've heard quite a romance about 
 you." 
 
 "The marrying is pure romance," I said. 
 
 "Nonsense; don't be modest. There are numbers of 
 aspiring belles who would take Gerald Clifford, and say 
 thank you in their secret hearts, though it might not be 
 proper to express gratitude aloud. I fancied that was the 
 reason you secluded yourself, in order to have time to at- 
 tend to bride clothes." 
 
 " There is no truth in your surmise, and it offends me," 
 I said, shortly. 
 
 "My dear, you haven't improved in temper, and the 
 story came to me in that fashion ; so I'm not to blame." 
 
 Her face was so altogether good-natured that I smiled, 
 and then we both laughed outright. She reached over and 
 clasped my hand. 
 
 " Dear old Sydnie," she said, " I'm not sure but you're 
 the one true thing in this world of shams; but you are a 
 mystery to me. Have you actually foresworn matrimony? 
 Do you take your tea clear, and keep a discreet tabby? 
 If you knew how I had longed to see you, you would cer- 
 tainly be real gracious. Don't you care a bit for me?" 
 
 There was something irresistible in this last sentence. 
 I believe she really had a true regard for me.
 
 308 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OK 
 
 " Come," she went on presently, " tell me all about your- 
 self. I heard you had lost your fortune, and gone off to 
 teach. I never could understand why you didn't marry 
 Mr. St. John. And I never suspected your being a genius 
 at all ; but I suppose that accounts for your dissimilarity 
 to common mortals. I was so glad when I heard you were 
 a rich woman once more. I want you to believe this." 
 
 I could not doubt the sincerity of her tone. We talked 
 for a long while, and I went briefly over some of the most 
 important events that had occurred since our separation. 
 To her the world had been all smiles. 
 
 "We have one little boy to heir the estate," she went 
 on, with a gay laugh, "and I confess I've had a most de- 
 lightful time thus far. The longer I live, the more I see the 
 propriety of people being perfectly suited, and I have the 
 very things I enjoy so much. To have dropped into almost 
 any other groove would have made me miserable, bad tem- 
 pered, jealous, and all that. My graces thrive best in 
 prosperity. But, my dear, I have gossiped unconscionably. 
 And now I want to ask a favor. Don't deny me." 
 
 "That depends " 
 
 "It's to come to a quiet little dinner-party. I know 
 half a dozen very admirable people who are dying to meet 
 you ; and I don't see the slightest necessity for your mak- 
 ing a hermit of yourself. Why, you're quite a young 
 woman yet ; it is not worth while to fall into the ranks of 
 the grandmothers." 
 
 "I am still in mourning,"! said, "which isn't party-like." 
 
 "I'll promise to have all things appropriate. I cannot 
 possibly give you up." 
 
 She actually persuaded me at last to appoint an evening 
 that would suit my pleasure. 
 
 "And I'll ask Mr. Clifford, so that you shall have an 
 attendant of your own. If you will come to call on me
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 309 
 
 to-morrow, I'll send ths carriage for you. I want you to 
 see ray house; and we haven't but just looked at each 
 other. Come to lunch. My dear, there isn't the slightest 
 use of trying to resist me." 
 
 I confess some indefinable charm surrounded Laura a 
 power that enabled her to sway others in a singular man- 
 ner. I yielded to the influence. 
 
 I went to lunch, and really had a delightful time. 
 Laura's house was elegance itself. She has much shrewd, 
 good taste, that stands her instead of the higher artistic 
 quality. Her pictures were valuable and well chosen, her 
 statuary rarely beautiful, and the rooms had the sumptu- 
 ous air of a palace. She queens it royally. After all, she 
 is in the right place, and has proved the best judge of her 
 own capabilities. Mr. Varick looks ten years younger 
 than when we first saw him at Newport. His little son is 
 a perfect idol, a fine, healthy child. 
 
 Laura made her arrangements for the dinner with great 
 delight. She mentioned several persons whom I knew it 
 would be a pleasure to meet. Artists, writers, and men in 
 high positions every desirable man or woman appeared 
 within her reach. I began to kindle with interest. 
 
 "What a handsome woman you are!" she exclaimed, 
 with sudden vehemence. "If I were you, I would have 
 half the world at my feet." 
 
 I smiled a little. The admiration was certainly honest. 
 
 Mrs. Dorrance and Gerald were gratified that I had ac- 
 cepted the invitation. But afterwards he lapsed into a 
 reverie quite unusual for him. 
 
 " Are you tired ? " I asked presently. 
 
 "No. Am I stupid, and is that a hint for me to go 
 home?" 
 
 "Why, no," I said, in surprise. 
 
 He took several turns up and down the room, then he 
 came and glanced into my face.
 
 310 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 " Sydnie, do you believe in love t all ? " 
 
 "What a question I" and I started, coloring violently. 
 Were the surmises of others correct, and had I alone been 
 blind ? 
 
 " Yes, it is odd, but don't we talk of everything ? Some- 
 times I am afraid I bore you. I never had Bertha for a 
 confidant; she was married when I was so young, and 
 Alice went away just as she was growing companionable. 
 But there's some peculiar quality in you that wins a person 
 to talk of himself. You always seem to understand at a 
 word." 
 
 " So you want me to commence a dissertation upon love 
 do you?" I asked, gayly. 
 
 "No; only I was wondering if you had ever felt that 
 which you describe so perfectly, so pathetically. It always 
 seems such a strange, awesome thing to me, for there is a 
 great deal of unhappy love in the world, and who can tell 
 whether he is one of the few elect who are to be blessed ?" 
 
 "This is a new mood for you," I said, bringing him back 
 to commonplace. 
 
 " Yes," with a nervous laugh. " But I'll say good night 
 before I mystify you with my vagaries." 
 
 He kissed me as he went. It was a kind of family 
 familiarity, but I did not observe that it meant any more 
 on this night than it had for the past ten months. Still I 
 was filled with a vague fear. Gerald had a tender, manly 
 heart, capable of great happiness and much suffering, and I 
 wanted the former, not the latter, to be his portion. 
 
 I did not see him again until the day before the dinner, 
 when he was very urgent that nothing should keep me 
 at home. 
 
 "You may be sure that I shall not disappoint Mrs. 
 Varick, when she has asked her guests expressly on my 
 account," I said.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 311 
 
 I received a little note from her also, in which she 
 begged me not to fail her, as she had a surprise in store 
 for me. 
 
 So altogether I was rather curious. I arranged my hair 
 and dress in a state of mind quite new to me. Not exactly 
 expectancy, or fear, or distrust, but as if I were coming to 
 some event that would change the current of my life again. 
 My black silk dress did not admit of much ornamentation, 
 but it was rich and heavy. How I recalled the old times, 
 so long ago it seemed ! 
 
 At last we started. Gerald was one of those tender, 
 gentlemanly men about whose attentions cling an exquisite' 
 grace. Birth and breeding had both been his. 
 
 I was not dazzled or overcome by the company as- 
 sembled. After the introductions, I felt myself quite at 
 ease. We waited in the drawing-room for a few strag- 
 glers. Presently there was a stir. Gerald turned, and a 
 sudden flush of color overspread his face. Two fairies, I 
 should have said at the first glance, and then one wore a 
 strangely familiar smile. 
 
 " My dear Miss Adriance ! " 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence, as perfect in her grace and beauty as 
 when I left Laurelwood, nearly five years before. The 
 room swam before my eyes for a moment. 
 
 " I came expressly to meet you," she said, scarcely above 
 a whisper, in her silvery voice. "You can never imagine 
 how I have wanted to see you." 
 
 I could not doubt her sincerity, and felt convicted of 
 something like ingratitude. Or was it that my new posi- 
 tion won her favor as well ? 
 
 " My niece, Miss Carme," she said, a moment after, 
 making way for the tiny sprite beside her. 
 
 A lovely, shy girl, with great soft eyes like a gazelle's. 
 A vision that one rarely beholds embodied in human form.
 
 312 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 For it was not merely beauty of feature, but form and 
 coloring and perfect grace. I almost held my breath. 
 
 " So Mr. St. John has not arrived ? " Mrs. Varick said. 
 
 I had hardly thought of him in my bewilderment. 
 
 " No," in her sweet, gracious way, that I remembered so 
 well. " It is barely possible that he may reach the city 
 this evening. I left a note for him." 
 
 Was I pleased or not ? I tried to decide as I sat listen- 
 ing to the talking, using the strongest exertion not to 
 answer at random. - Everything about me appeared unreal ; 
 at times the blaze of light grew faint, and the voices sounded 
 a long way off. Why, what a weak, silly woman I was 
 What if he did come ! 
 
 I did not want to see him. Every nerve quivered at the 
 thought of the interview. How could I endure it ! 
 
 Yet Mrs. Varick's dinner-party was a success. Under 
 other circumstances I should have enjoyed it wonderfully. 
 I could not help being pleased as it was. To be appre- 
 ciated in such a genial, delicate fashion, to know that I 
 could still attract and interest, was indeed gratifying. And 
 there was just the company to be mutually entertaining. 
 Art and literature were discussed without pedantry. Most 
 of those assembled had travelled, and visited the rich gal- 
 leries of the old world. In spite of the dull pain at my 
 heart, my spirits rose. I knew that my cheeks warmed 
 and my eyes grew luminous. 
 
 Some time after we had returned to the drawing-room, 
 Mrs. Lawrence and I floated together again. She was all 
 ease and grace, as usual. 
 
 " How very little you have changed ! " she said. " I have 
 so often wondered if I should ever see you again, and I feel 
 now as if I could scold you heartily for keeping away from 
 Laurelwood. Do you not know that we should have been 
 most glad to see you ? "
 
 TRYING} THE WORLD. 313 
 
 She might, but Mr. St. John ? 
 
 " Stuart will be so surprised ! We came to New York 
 without him, AS he had some pressing business on hand. 
 Elsie is so extravagantly fond of operas, and he didn't 
 want her to miss one of the season." 
 
 " Your niece ? " I said, inquiringly. 
 
 "Yes. Mr. Lawrence's sister married a Spaniard, you 
 know. Elsie was her only child, and after her death, Mr. 
 Carme married a second time. Stuart grew wonderfully 
 interested in this child when he was in Cuba, and upon a 
 second visit, some eighteen months ago, brought her home. 
 She is the most charming little being you can imagine. 
 I love her as if she were my own." 
 
 A sharp pang went to my heart. After all, why should 
 it matter to me what course Mr. St. John's interest took? 
 And yet all the old days rushed back, times when his 
 approval and smile had been so much to me. 
 
 She chatted on. I had become a successful authoress, 
 which did not at all surprise her ; she had always fancied 
 me peculiar. And I had really found some relatives 
 Mrs. Varick had been relating the singular circumstances. 
 Some friends of Laura's were boarding at the same hotel 
 with them, and the meeting of a few days before had been 
 purely accidental. Mrs. Lawrence had asked if there were 
 any tidings of me, and Laura had mentioned the fact of 
 her call, and the intended dinner-party. 
 
 I felt easier when I heard this, though I found it would 
 be impossible to avoid them now. I must summon all 
 my courage. And I confess that after I had talked with 
 Miss Carme, a strange desire took possession of me to 
 know more of her. How extraordinarily lovely and fasci- 
 nating she was! Gerald was as deeply interested in her as 
 I ; his face beamed with intense satisfaction. 
 
 The evening passed rapidly and pleasantly. Mr. St.
 
 314 STDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 John's arrival had been given up by his sister, and my 
 nervous apprehension was over. In a room at the end of 
 the hall some of the younger members of the party had 
 been waltzing. I watched Gerald and Miss Carme until 
 my brain was in a maze. Indeed they attracted nearly 
 every one's attention by the bewildering grace of their 
 movements. Was Gerald absolutely fascinated ? I had 
 never seen such a light in his eyes. 
 
 Some impulse drew me away. It was too fateful to 
 linger over. I turned and walked through the cool hall, 
 and had just reached the staircase, when I paused, spell- 
 bound. Mr. St. John stood before me I 
 
 "Does the feud last a lifetime?" he said, with his 
 peculiar smile. "Have I offended you so deeply that you 
 will not even speak or shake hands?" 
 
 I reached mine towards him ; but it was cold and 
 trembling. 
 
 " I confess this meeting is altogether unexpected," he 
 continued, with a touch of embarrassment. "You have 
 seen my sister?" 
 
 She came at that moment, and then the hall seemed 
 suddenly to fill. Mrs. Varick pressed forward, and there 
 was a sound of welcome. I mingled with the throng ; 
 but I heard no voice save his. He was explaining the 
 detention of a train ; then he and Mrs. Varick had a little 
 badinage. 
 
 Here is an old friend by a new name," she said, as soon 
 as she reached my vicinity. "Miss Clifford." 
 
 He looked sharply at me. " I don't know that I ever 
 remember a name changed in that manner," he said, 
 pointedly. 
 
 " Changed for a fortune instead of love," Mrs. Varick 
 answered, gayly. 
 
 Had he heard the absurd rurnor, too ? "Well, he would
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 315 
 
 soon know, for I had told Mrs. Lawrence the particulars 
 of the strange story. 
 
 "O, you have come?" Miss Carme exclaimed, her eyes 
 absolutely bewildering in their radiant light, and her face 
 flushed with warmth and excitement. 
 
 " Yes, at the eleventh hour. Have you enjoyed your- 
 self?" 
 
 " O, so much ! And I've been waltzing while the rest 
 talked." 
 
 Such a light, musical laugh! I thought I had never 
 heard anything so tenderly beguiling in all my life. 
 
 He gave her a fond glance, so quick that none besides 
 us saw it. But her eyes replied, and perhaps my heart. 
 
 I looked around for 'Gerald, and proposed returning 
 home. I fancied he would rather have staid, but he 
 assented. Then I was besieged for calls and promises of 
 various kinds ; and the regrets expressed were extremely 
 flattering, to say the least. 
 
 I remember finding my way up the stairs to the dress- 
 ing-room in a strange, absent manner, as if my soul had 
 gone out of me. Then adieus were said, and Gerald 
 handed me into the carriage. We scarcely spoke during 
 our homeward drive; and if I had not been so absorbed 
 in my own reflections, I must have noticed his reticence. 
 
 At last I laid my throbbing head on my pillow. All 
 my hardest lessons to learn over again. O God, would I, 
 could I, ever forget ?
 
 316 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 CHAPTER xxiv. 
 
 " Therefore disturbing dreams 
 
 Trouble the secret streams 
 And founts of music that o'erflow my breast; 
 
 Something far more divine, 
 
 Than may on enrlh be mine, 
 Haunts my worn heart, und will not let me rest." 
 
 AFTER that night I was in a whirl of society. I had 
 preserved a tolerable seclusion before ; but now I found 
 myself invaded at every point. It was gratifying to be 
 thus sought by people whose regard was worth cultivat- 
 ing ; indeed, whose attention was the finest compliment 
 that could be paid me. And some way I took up my old 
 friendship with Mrs. Lawrence. Her charming niece was 
 a perfect marvel to me. 
 
 Between her and Mr. St. John there existed a very 
 peculiar attachment. She was frank and guileless as a 
 child, with a nature as sweet as an opening rose. She 
 always reminded me of flowers. He was to her the very 
 prince of men, and she offered him an unconscious adora- 
 tion with every look. In time it might come to mean 
 love; but at present her heart was like an untroubled sea. 
 She took a strange fancy to me, that I did not at all un- 
 derstand at first. Gerald thought her quite beyond ordi- 
 nary creations. Mrs. Lawrence was delighted with the 
 attention she attracted. 
 
 I began to fancy, after a little, that Mr. St. John 
 shunned me in some inexplicable manner. He called 
 occasionally with his sister, but never alone. When we
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 817 
 
 met elsewhere, although he paid me a courtly deference, 
 we seemed leagues and leagues apart. He had forgotten 
 those old passages then? It was my soiest punishment 
 that I should still remember. 
 
 My fear concerning Gerald proved incorrect. It soon 
 became understood that we were not to be married, to my 
 great relief, though Mrs. Lawrence insinuated that I was 
 about to miss another very good opportunity. She ad- 
 mired the young man exceedingly; and he was a most 
 devoted cavalier to the two ladies. One evening I rallied 
 him a trifle upon it. 
 
 A strange, sweet seriousness overspread his face. 
 
 " Shall I come to confession ?" he asked, in a low voice. 
 "My dear friend, have I kept my secret so well? " 
 
 " You love Miss Carme ! " I exclaimed, startled by the 
 sudden fact. 
 
 "I love her my sweet, darling Elsie! Sydnie, I seem 
 in a new world. From the first hour I saw her face my 
 heart has been hers." 
 
 " The evening at Mrs. Varick's ?" 
 
 " No, before that. Do you remember an evening, more 
 than a month ago, that we just mentioned the subject of 
 love, and I asked you how much you believed of its won- 
 drous power? A few hours previous, while sauntering 
 through the Academy, I came upon those two women r 
 mother and daughter I thought them then. I hear.d the 
 soft, beguiling tones of her voice, and her sweet laugh, so 
 like a fairy echo. The loveliest picture there was that 
 young girl. I sat entranced. It seemed as if my very 
 soul went out of me ; and when they were gone, I wan- 
 dered about like one blind. Then I s:iid, 'I will haunt 
 every place until I see her again, and I shall never rest satis- 
 fied until she is mine.' By one of those odd freaks of fate 
 I learned who they were, and, moreover, that they would
 
 818 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 be at Mrs. Varick's. Do you wonder that I was wild 
 to go?" 
 
 He had uttered all this in a rapid breath ; now he made 
 a long pause. I understood the peculiar attraction she 
 had possessed for him that evening. 
 
 " You have not spoken ? " I inquired, hesitatingly. 
 
 a l have not spoken. It has been so sweet to linger 
 upon the brink of fate; but I think she loves me." 
 
 "O, Gerald," I said, "you have my most earnest wishes 
 for your success." 
 
 "They are going to Laurelwood soon. My precious 
 darling how can I endure existence without her?" 
 
 He paced the room softly. There was a sacredness in 
 the simple story of this fervent passion that awed me. 
 And then I thought how, sooner or later, love carried all 
 souls captive those, at least, who were not born blind and 
 dumb. Yet I remembered one who stood alone. Had he 
 ever known any pang, any divine thrill? 
 
 Now that Gerald had opened his soul there was no re- 
 serve. We had been such perfect friends that he was 
 sure of not being misunderstood. I could not but choose 
 to listen to the sweet confession ; and I knew no reason 
 why I should not hope with him. 
 
 For the next fortnight I saw a good deal of Elsie. Mr. 
 St. John had gone to Laurelwood to make some spring 
 arrangements, and Mrs. Lawrence depended upon Gerald 
 for an escort. How could she have been so blind ! 
 
 I called one morning to accompany her to an artist's 
 studio, where she was having her portrait painted. Mrs. 
 Lawrence came down to receive me. 
 
 "Elsie is ill," she exclaimed, with much concern. " She 
 was very feverish and restless all night, and her head 
 aches severely this morning. I wanted to have a physi- 
 cian, but she would not listen to it, and declares she will
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 819 
 
 be better presently. I'm so sorry Stuart is away. If any- 
 thing should happen to her " 
 
 It was the first time I had ever seen tears in the lovely 
 eyes of Mrs. Lawrence, ncd they moved me indescribably. 
 
 " A sudden cold," I said, trying to encourage her. 
 * Doubtless she will recover in a few days." 
 
 "I hope so. She was out driving yesterday, and may 
 Lave been a little careless; but I never knew her to act in 
 tliis manner. She is usually so sweet and gentle; now she 
 will not have the slightest thing done for her." 
 
 I thought of Gerald's alarm when he should hear these 
 tidings, and was quite disappointed that he did not call 
 during the day or evening, 
 
 I sent to inquire after Elsie on the following morning. 
 She had improved somewhat, but was not able to leave 
 her room. 
 
 Gerald's continued absence filled me with a strange 
 foreboding. Even Mrs. Dorrance spoke of it. I sent a 
 note to learn the cause ; and to my satisfaction he answered 
 in person, by coming to lunch. 
 
 " Gerald, you have been ill ! " Mrs. Dorrance exclaimed, 
 as he entered the room, 
 
 He did look unlike the bright, handsome man we were 
 used to seeing. Yet I kept silence, for I knew it had an- 
 other than a physical cause. 
 
 "Balls, and parties, and dissipations have proved too 
 much for me, Bertha," he said, with an attempt at gayety. 
 tt I think of going to some quiet country place to recruit." 
 
 She looked grave, and presently said, 
 
 " I hope your fortune will not prove a bane instead of a 
 blessing." 
 
 "Nonsense, Bertha!" he replied, sharply. 
 
 It was an effort to keep up the conversation. Perhaps 
 I did less than my share, because I was so startled by the
 
 3lO SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 possible realization of my late fears. He was absent and 
 dispirited, but after our return to the library, proposed a 
 walk, to which I readily assented. 
 
 "Gerald," I said, after we had gone some distance, "this 
 suspense is torture." 
 
 "My dear friend, forgive me. There is no longer any 
 blessed suspense for me, and I have grown selfishly ab- 
 sorbed in my misery." 
 
 "It is all over then?" I returned, with a gasp, for I 
 could see how he suffered. 
 
 " Hope is over, if that is what you mean ; " and he gave 
 a sickly smile. " But the rest can end only with life. Syd- 
 nie, I wonder if our uncle, in bequeathing his fortune to 
 me, unwittingly transferred his own sad inheritance ? I 
 have thought of his life continually for the few past days. 
 One blighted blossom in early youth, and no golden fruit- 
 age for the later years. Is love fatal to us Cliffords ? My 
 parents were happy, I believe, but yours soon came to the 
 black shadow of a cruel fate." 
 
 In his pause I thought of myself. How strangely we 
 were all linked together by suffering! Even Bertha's 
 bright prospect had soon been overclouded by death. 
 
 " I think she loves me," he began, with sudden vehe- 
 mence. " She could not deny it, though, for some reason, 
 she would not confess. I believe no torture could draw it 
 from her. Childish, impulsive, and eager as she is, there's 
 something so grand and heroic about her that it fairly 
 awed me. She never thought of my falling in love and I 
 know she was honest there. It's her fashion to be happy, 
 and to make others so; and we have gone on for weeks 
 in such a simple, familiar manner, that my proposal took 
 her quite by surprise. I don't know as I should have found 
 the courage if she had not spoken of her return to Laurel- 
 wood."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 321 
 
 "But what reason does she assign?" I asked^ much 
 amazed at his words. 
 
 " She declared a marriage between us impossible, while 
 she has nothing to urge against me, my position, or my 
 fortune. I can't describe to you her manner, but her an* 
 guish rose from some deeper cause than the mere idea of 
 giving me pain. I think she was hurt herself, though she 
 would not own it. If she did not love me, I would endure 
 it all in silence " 
 
 " But I cannot see any reason sufficiently strong to sway 
 her in opposition to her own feelings." 
 
 " It's some fancied duty, or an idea of right, that she 
 dings to rigidly. All my persuasions could not move her, 
 and she refused utterly to see me again. It was only mis- 
 ery to us both, she said. But I could not believe her 
 decision final, and the next day wrote to her, entreating 
 another interview. All in vain, however. What can 
 I do?" 
 
 It was a case where I, certainly, was powerless to advise. 
 What motive could urge Elsie to so mysterious a course? 
 She was no foolish coquette, no finished actress. Indeed, 
 her perfect simplicity had attracted me from the first* I 
 seemed to be thrown out of my usual course of reasoning 
 in every respect, and felt unable to counsel. 
 
 "I need not talk much of my love," he went on, pres* 
 ently. " You must know what it has been and what it 
 will be to me; but to think of her as suffering drinking 
 some bitter draught that should have missed lips so sweet, 
 is intolerable. Sycluie, must it be ? " 
 
 "Gerald, Heaven knows that if I could be of any as- 
 sistance to you, I would do anything in my power gladly. 
 But I, too, seem helpless." 
 
 " You can see her. She has grown strangely fond of 
 you. If her decision arises from a cause where change is 
 21
 
 822 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 impossible, I must submit. Women are better judges of 
 each other, perhaps." 
 
 " Suppose she shuns me also?" 
 
 " No, that cannot be. At least, she will see you before 
 she leaves the city." 
 
 " I will do what I can," I said, moved by strong sym- 
 pathy. 
 
 My promise was put to the test before the day ended. 
 An hour after my return home Miss Carme's card was sent 
 up to me, with these words, written in pencil: "May I 
 come to your room ? I wish to see you alone." 
 
 I waited in the hall for the lithe little figure to flutter 
 over the stairs with its dainty grace. Not so bright and 
 vivacious as usual, and the glad ring had slipped from her 
 voice ; but she kissed me with a kind of convulsive pas- 
 sion. 
 
 " I am glad to find you thus far recovered," I said, cheer- 
 fully. " Are you quite well ? " 
 
 " It was only a severe headache, and being tired out. 
 Auntie was so distressed not but that it was very kind 
 of her. I only wanted a little rest and quiet." 
 
 "Will you take off your cloak and hat?" I asked, as 
 she stood undecided ; and then I assisted her. 
 
 There was an air of weariness and pain in every feature, 
 yet she strove to make herself appear natural. 
 
 " I wish you'd take me in your lap," she said, with child- 
 ish pleading in her voice. " I don't know why, but you 
 always make me think of those calm, sweet Sisters of 
 Charity, who, having overlived their own sorrows, can be 
 patient and tender with others." 
 
 1 smiled a little at this as I took her in my arms. The 
 fair head, with its silken tresses, was pillowed upon my 
 shoulder. 
 
 " What is the matter ? " I asked, softly.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 323 
 
 "That I should be such a baby? I feel just like being 
 petted and soothed. I'm worn and weary, as if I were 
 trenching upon the threescore." 
 
 "Are gayeties less pleasant without Mr. St. John?" I 
 said, obeying an impulse that I could not account for the 
 next instant. 
 
 A shiver seemed to run through the delicate form. 
 
 " I wish we had gone with him," she exclaimed, vehe- 
 mently. Then in a slow, hesitating manner, "Miss Clif- 
 ford, have you seen your cousin recently?" 
 
 " Gerald, do you mean ? He was here to-day, and took 
 lunch with us." 
 
 She started up at this, her face flushing and paling al- 
 ternately. Then the hands clasped together with a pa- 
 thetic gesture, and the eyes were turned away from me. 
 
 " I want to talk to you a little about him." She uttered 
 the words with great difficulty, and made a long pause. 
 " Did he tell you, or had you fancied that he cared for 
 me?" 
 
 She buried her face in her hands at this, and something 
 like a hard, dry sob pulsated through her frame. 
 
 " I know all," I said, at a venture. 
 
 " O, Miss Clifford, don't hate me for making him un- 
 happy. A fatal blindness must have led me on. Some- 
 how I can't think of lovers, and whether any one is likely 
 to care for me ; and he seemed so like a brother! " 
 
 " Why couldn't you love him, Elsie ? " I said, boldly, 
 going to the root of the matter at once. 
 
 "Because I Miss Clifford, I am engaged. I couldn't 
 tell him the truth, but I want you to know it. And if I 
 had suspected how it would be, I should not have received 
 your cousin in the manner I did. But Mr. St. John liked 
 him', and so was willing " 
 
 Was she one of those specious women who crave admi-
 
 324 SYDNIB ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 ration, and delude themselves with the idea that they 
 are not really giving encouragement, while they accept 
 the most pointed attentions, simply because they do not 
 love? 
 
 "I think the fact might have been mentioned earlier. 
 It would have saved one tender and loyal heart from great 
 suffering." 
 
 " Don't be angry ; and yet I suppose it is all right. I 
 ought to have known. You cannot help despising me. 
 It wasn't altogether my fault. Mr. St. John preferred not 
 to have the engagement mentioned " 
 
 A sudden sharp suspicion caught me. 
 
 "To whom are you engaged, Elsie?" I asked. 
 
 " Why, to him." 
 
 "Mr. St. John ! " I drew a long, quivering breath. 
 
 "Yos. He is so good and tender, so generous. Not 
 that Gerald lacks anything," -and I thought she gave 
 the name a peculiar intonation, '"but I had promised 
 before. I did love him ; I do love him now ; and to make 
 him happy I would give my whole life. For though he 
 has always been prosperous,* and the world might think 
 there was nothing for him to wish, he has never reached 
 the heights on which some men stand. He seemed to 
 have missed the one thing that brings highest joy, or had, 
 until " 
 
 "Elsie, do you mind telling me how it occurred? your 
 engagement, I mean." 
 
 For I was absolutely bewildered. Stuart St. John in 
 love with this child 1 
 
 " He and auntie came for me, you know. There had 
 been some correspondence about it, and papa was quite 
 willing to give me up. Though my step-mother never 
 treated me ill, she loved her own children much better, 
 and when aunt Isabelle proposed that I should come
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 325 
 
 north, and finish my education, and remain with them if 
 I liked, mother urged me to accept. I had seen Mr. St. 
 John once when I was a little girl, and liked him so much I 
 Well, they came to Cuba, and brought me home with them 
 to Laurel wood. It's such a, lovely place isn't it? That 
 was nearly eighteen mouths ago. At first, for a while, I 
 had a governess; but Mr. St. John taught rne my music. 
 I used to sit for hours and hear him play; I had never lis- 
 tened to anything so beautiful. Last spring and summer 
 he grew so sad that it pained me, and I wanted to com- 
 fort him. Just the tender melancholy that appeals strongly 
 to one ; so I would bring my books and read to him, or 
 sing. We used to have such long, strange talks ! and I 
 knew then that he wasn't happy or satisfied with whst life 
 had brought him. At last I don't remember how we 
 came to say it, but he was glad to be loved, and I was glad 
 to loye. I sometimes wonder that he should have chosen 
 me, he is so grand, so above me in everything. But he 
 doesn't love me to be grave, or make myself old. I've 
 been very happy." 
 
 Her eyes wandered dreamily to the farther side of the 
 room as she said this, and for a moment there was silence, 
 as the slow cadence of her voice died away. 
 
 M He thought I was too young to be married. Just be- 
 fore Christinas we all went to Washington, and spent two 
 delightful months there. Then we came to New York. 
 He told auntie it was best not to speak of the engagement 
 at all. I believe she thinks it rather foolish, and fancies 
 that I shall tire of it." 
 
 "And then you met my cousin?" 
 
 "Yes: that nio;ht at Mrs. Varick's. I'm so fond of dan- 
 
 * O 
 
 cing, you know, and Mr. St. John insists that I shall have 
 every pleasure. He is royally indulgent; but I mean to 
 give most of them up when I am married, and devote my-
 
 326 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OH 
 
 self exclusively to him. I couldn't help liking Gerald. 
 He's so fresh and winsome, and enjoys everything with such 
 a peculiar zest. But I never thought O, Miss Clifford, 
 do believe that I did not purposely mislead him. And 
 after a while tell him how it was, and try to make him 
 find some happiness elsewhere." 
 
 " And you couldn't love him ? " 
 
 Her lips quivered like a child's, and the tears just filled 
 her soft eyes without overflowing. 
 
 " I had no right even to try. As soon as he spoke I 
 knew how wrong it was. Perhaps I was cruel not to lis- 
 ten ; but, O ! every word smote my own heart so bitterly ! 
 All that first night I almost wished I had died before 1 
 had caused him such pain. You'll tell him how sorry I 
 was." 
 
 "But Mr. St. John might release you." 
 
 "No; I shall never so wound him. It's a fancy of mine 
 that somewhere along life he has received a keen, cruel 
 wrench, and though he doesn't show the scar, it bleeds 
 inwardly. Shall I tear it open afresh ? " 
 
 She was sobbing in my arms. What a strange story ! 
 The incongruity of this marriage struck hard against a 
 certain sense of mine, and I felt as if it should not be. 
 But was it my place to interfere ? If Mr. St. John loved 
 her, would he not really hate me for my officiousness? 
 And then the hot blood rushed to my brow. No; my 
 lips must be silent, even if they all rushed to positive 
 misery. 
 
 "My darling!" I said, trying to comfort her with 
 kisses. 
 
 " O, Miss Clifford, I've been so wretched ! but I know 
 t am right. When we get to Laurelwood, I shall feel 
 jalm and strong again. I can't pain him, and blight his 
 ttfe. Gerald is so much younger, he may learn to forget
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 327 
 
 rne. Only if he will not think me deceitfully wicked. 
 Don't let him do that." 
 
 "I will tell him the simple truth," I said, moved by the 
 infinite pathos of her voice. 
 
 "And you think I am right?" 
 
 I would make one effort. 
 
 " Elsie," I said, tenderly, " it would be better to let Mr. 
 St. John be the judge." 
 
 " No, no," and she shivered. " He is quite generous 
 enough to yield his chance for happiness to another." 
 
 " Are you sure that you can make him happy ? " 
 
 " Quite sure." 
 
 "But will you attain to the highest happiness your- 
 self?" 
 
 "I shall do right," she said, bravely. "And now, dear 
 Miss Clifford, forgive all the trouble I have caused you 
 and yours. In a few days we shall leave the city." 
 
 " Let fate work out the problem," I said, fiercely, to my- 
 self. If God meant that this should be, I was powerless 
 to turn the course of events. I could see where Elsie's 
 sense of gratitude, justice, and pity were leading her 
 astray. Yet to seek to convince her was useless. For 
 Gerald to make an appeal to Mr. St. John might only 
 complicate matters, even if he could resolve upon such a 
 etc]). It must go on to the end. 
 
 We talked for some time, arid Elsie grew gradually 
 calmer. Still I could not help believing that her regard 
 for Gerald was stronger than she would admit, and might 
 blossom into die deepest passion of her life. She tried to 
 soften the blow to him with many kind messages to be 
 given after a while, but she remained steadfast in her 
 resolve of not seeing him. 
 
 I called upon them twice before they left; and Mr. St.
 
 328 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 John made a, brief farewell visit with the ladies. Mrs. 
 Lawrence tried to extort a promise that I would visit 
 Laurc'lwood the next summer. 
 
 "I can no longer tyrannize over you in the capacity of 
 guardian," he said, with a short laugh that had a bitter 
 flavor.
 
 TR1ING THE WORLD. 329 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 " Barely from off the desert of my life 
 I gather patience and severe content." 
 
 ALEX. SMITH. 
 
 GERALD did not submit to his fate easily. We both felt 
 that Elsie was making an unwise, as well as dangerous 
 experiment; and that when it was too late, she might 
 learn her fatal mistake. 
 
 "I don't doubt that Mr. St. John will try to make her 
 happy; but there is so much difference in their ages and 
 temperaments. And she, in her rigid endeavor to cheat 
 both him and herself, would die a martyr on the cross of 
 love." 
 
 There was a settled melancholy in Gerald's deep eyes, 
 and whenever he uttered such sentences, my heart was 
 acutely pained. 
 
 And then I remembered my own many pangs. I strove 
 to say that I would be satisfied to know that Mr. St. John 
 was happy with another, but I could not so cheat myself. 
 Years and absence had not extinguished that divine pas- 
 sion. Like Gerald, I had drank of its charmed waters for 
 all time. There was no oblivion for me. 
 
 Some weeks later, Gerald joined a company of friends 
 who were going to Central America. I knew the change 
 would prove beneficial to him. Elsie's first letter was so 
 tranquil, that I felt the faintest hope for him must be at 
 an end forever. 
 
 It was quite impossible for me to return to my former
 
 830 SYDNIE ADRIANCE. OR 
 
 quiet mode of life. Society preferred its claims, and 
 would be heard. Why should I exile myself from all the 
 pleasures of the world ? My friends rejoiced at my success, 
 and I experienced a thrill of gratification that was not 
 allied to vanity. Since this was to be the pleasure of my 
 future, I would accept it in peace. 
 
 Presently we glided over into May. The spring was 
 very forward, and the warm days made us think of finding 
 some airy summer resort. In the midst of these discus- 
 sions I received a sudden summons elsewhere a note 
 from Mr. St. John, that contained these tidings : 
 
 " MY DEAK Miss CLIFFORD : Since our return to Laurel- 
 wood, Elsie's health has gradually failed, and she is now 
 seriously ill with a fever. She begs for you continually; 
 and as it is for her happiness, I am emboldened to ask the 
 favor. Will you come to us immediately ? With warmest 
 regards from rny sister. ST. JOHN." 
 
 To refuse was simply out of the question. I would 
 have done much for the dear child's sake. I felt that she 
 was noaring a fateful crisis. How would it end ? 
 
 I telegraphed my answer, and made my preparations 
 immediately. How strange that I should be going back, 
 changed in many respects, yet in others the same ! Nearly 
 seven years since I had first seen Laurehvood. What a 
 varied life mine had been ! 
 
 Bertha insisted that I should return as soon as possible, 
 and I promised. A journey had no terror for me now, 
 and yet I seemed to tremble at every step. What would 
 be the result? For I felt as if I held the happiness of 
 others in my hand. 
 
 When I reached the station, I discerned a familiar figure 
 pacing the platform. My heart gave a great bound, that
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 331 
 
 was more of apprehension than hope. lie was waiting for 
 me, and took my hand as I stepped out. 
 
 "Miss Carrue?" I exclaimed, in my awkward agita- 
 tion. 
 
 " She is very ill indeed ; nearing the crisis. I am glad 
 you have come." 
 
 His face and manner were very grave, and there was a 
 peculiar, stern resolve in every feature, that made a cow- 
 ard of me. Should I never be able to shake off this man's 
 power ? 
 
 " Did you find your journey tiresome ? " 
 
 This time his voice was soft and sweet. 
 
 "Not particularly, 1 ' I responded, and then glanced up 
 with one of those sudden impulses. Did we both think 
 of the first time I had come hither? 
 
 The carriage was waiting ju^t beyond. He handed me 
 in, and arranged the blanket with his usual carefulness, for 
 the morning air seemed rather chilly. 
 
 "You said in your note that Elsie had not been well 
 since you came to Laurelwood," I began, at length, for the 
 silence grew oppressive. 
 
 " No. Her New York season was too fatiguing, I think. 
 She was very glad to come away ; and yet she has not 
 been the same happy, care-free child that she was be- 
 fore. Miss Carme, of all others, needs a bright, satisfying 
 life." 
 
 Did he begin to doubt his ability for making it satis- 
 factory ? A perplexed look lingered about his face like a 
 fluttering cloud. 
 
 " There's something now that I don't understand ; a kind 
 of fear and reticence that I never saw in her before. 
 Was she much with you during the last fortnight?" 
 
 "Very little," I replied, feeling that this was unsafe 
 ground. " She was not well even then."
 
 332 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 " I feel doubly anxious for her welfare, since it was our 
 proposal that she should leave her own home. My sister 
 is warmly attached to her." 
 
 It did not appear to me that there was much of the 
 ardent lover in his look or tone. Would the man never 
 be roused to that grand height of which I felt he was 
 capable ? 
 
 But we lapsed into silence again. Familiar sights and 
 sounds stirred my heart and memory. The hope that had 
 glorified the primal day of my Iffe was not dead, only 
 sleeping, and I already felt that it might be called forth 
 with a word. Ah, I must thrust it back into its grave. 
 The time had gone by when it would have been a welcome 
 and cherished guest. 
 
 If Laurel wood had met with any change, it was only to 
 grow more beautiful. I bowed my head with reverent awe, 
 and let old remembrances join this new tide with a mighty 
 rush. How little I had expected ever to return ! and now I 
 was here. 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence betrayed much emotion as she came for- 
 ward to welcome me. She looked worn and anxious. 
 
 "I am so glad you have come!" she uttered, in a tone 
 that I could not doubt. "But Elsie is much worse than 
 when we first sent. She calls for you incessantly, but I 
 doubt if she will recognize you." 
 
 " Miss Adriance has been travelling all night, and must 
 have a rest before she enters the sick room," Mr. St. John 
 said ; and we both smiled over the old name. It did seem 
 most natural here. I felt as if I had been away on a 
 long masquerade, and had but just returned to my proper 
 character. 
 
 I was compelled to yield to the kind care. After my 
 breakfast, Mrs. Lawrence insisted that I should take a rest. 
 Elsie was dozing and quiet, and Mr. St. John was going to
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 333 
 
 watch her for a while. So it was nearly noon when I 
 entered the apartment. 
 
 The poor child lay tossing restlessly upon her pillow, the 
 wide open eyes unnaturally bright with fever, and the 
 cheeks glowing in their dangerous scarlet. 
 
 "Miss Clifford has come," Mr. St. John announced, 
 taking the wasted hand in his. She was very much ema- 
 ciated, and her features, that had been so lovely in their 
 roundness, now were sharp or sunken. 
 
 " I wanted to see her." The voice had a hollow, wander- 
 ing sound, but she looked past me, rather than at me, while 
 she seemed making an effort to remember something. 
 "Did you tell him, Miss Clifford?" Do you think he 
 forgave? " 
 
 The rest was incoherent muttering. I felt a guilty 
 knowledge of her secret rising to my face with a flush, and 
 did not dare glance around. 
 
 "Where is she ? "Won't she take me in her arms, as she 
 did once ? I'm so tired, so tired !" 
 
 She stretched out both her hands imploringly. A be- 
 seeching look lighted up the restless eyes. 
 
 I came near and bent over her, soothed her with low 
 words until she was tranquil, yet she did not appear to 
 actually realize my presence. 
 
 " Suppose you leave me with her a little while?" I said, 
 in a rather decisive tone. 
 
 Mr. St. John would fain have lingered. I knew that he 
 had some dim suspicion of a secret. I could not think what 
 I must do in this cruel strait, but resolved to guard her 
 while it was possible. 
 
 When we were alone I let her talk without any restraint. 
 She only gave vague hints, however, and restless mutter- 
 ings, mentioning no name. If I could but keep Mr. St. 
 John away!
 
 334 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 At three the physician came in. An old friend that I 
 had seen years before, and who appeared delighted with 
 this encounter. 
 
 "You are just the one we need," he exclaimed, after his 
 first surprise had subsided. " Mrs. Lawrence is nearly wild 
 with excitement and fitigue, and it would be better if she 
 were not allowed in here more than a few moments at a 
 time. The nurse is excellent, but she hasn't that peculiar 
 soothing power over her that you possess. If we can take 
 her safely through until noon to-morrow, the danger will be 
 past; and this sweet life is too precious to wither like a 
 flower." 
 
 I promised to do my best, and succeeded very well 
 for from that time until nine in the evening, when lie called 
 again, she had said but little, though she had been exceed- 
 ingly restless. One or two symptoms he thought im- 
 proved. 
 
 " Watch her closely through the night," he said, and left 
 directions for every change, with the kind of remedies that 
 were to be used. He also had a long conversation with 
 Mr. St. John in the adjoining room. 
 
 The nurse would have remained, but I did not care to 
 have her. Mr. St. John proposed sharing my watch, but 
 I was fain to dismiss him. 
 
 "At least I shall stay within call. It is too much for 
 you to be alone; and we are under great obligations to 
 you." 
 
 His tone was unnaturally cold, I thought, and he showed 
 that he was laboring under some constraint. If Elsie could 
 get through the night without betraying her secret ! 
 
 Mr. St. John at length disposed of himself on the lounge 
 in the adjoining room. I took my seat, having turned the 
 light to a drowsy dimness, and bathed Elsie's burning 
 hands, now and then cooling the throbbing brow, and
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 335 
 
 turning aside the clustering hair. For a while she was 
 quite calm, then she began to moan and murmur. I heard 
 a step beside me. Mr. St. John looked much disturbed. 
 
 "Please do not feel distressed," I could not help saying. 
 " I am not utterly heartless," he returned, with a strange 
 touch of spirit. "I cannot see you overtasking your- 
 self" 
 
 " Do not fear for me." 
 
 Elsie started that moment and sprang up, almost into 
 his arms. 
 
 " Go away, Gerald," she said. "I cannot, cannot marry 
 you ; my promise has been given to another. No, don't 
 kiss my hand even. Am I cruel ? Heaven forgive me. 
 I must suffer, too; but I shall be brave to bear it." 
 
 "Elsie ! " I said, pressing my cheek against hers. 
 
 " Don't let him hate me. O, if I had known ! But I 
 never thought of his loving me. I must tear the sweet 
 knowledge out of my heart. Gerald will never dream that 
 I cared; and it is best best. O, is any one happy in 
 this world ? " 
 
 He looked at us both. I was quivering in every nerve, 
 hardly less than she. Now that the floodgates of her soul 
 were loosened, there was no reserve. The secret that she 
 would confess to neither Gerald nor me was told with all 
 the wildness of delirium. How much she had suffered in 
 her vain endeavor to keep to what she considered her 
 duty, we both knew now. 
 
 It was a singular scene. The corners of the room were 
 in shadows, the light sending its rays over the bed where 
 she tossed and moaned, her face full of unearthly beauty, 
 her hair glittering with every motion. The awe that al- 
 ways reigns at midnight affected me powerfully, and her 
 strained, imploring voice, rising to highest pathos, then 
 dying away to convulsive sobs. Mr. St. John stood with
 
 386 STDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 his arms folded, his face like chiselled marble. What pang 
 of agony rent his soul? 
 
 Presently her strength was exhausted. I gave her the 
 remedies the doctor had prescribed, and watched for many 
 minutes. The next few hours might decide. I scarcely 
 breathed in my intense anxiety. 
 
 Her eyes closed, her whole system grew more calm. 
 The fever flush began to fade into deathly whiteness. I 
 had been told every symptom so minutely that I drew a 
 long breath of something like relief. 
 
 An hour, perhaps, we stood there, much of the time 
 Mr. St. John's fingers being upon her wrist. Her respira- 
 tion grew easier, and it was evident she was sinking into 
 slumber. Once or twice Mrs. Lawrence, looking like a 
 white wraith, had approached the door, but her brother 
 would not allow her to enter. 
 
 " Sit down," he said to me ; and I obeyed without a dis- 
 senting gesture. Then, after many moments, in the same 
 cold, clear tone, " She is better she will live," he an- 
 nounced. 
 
 I saw him move to extinguish the light and open the 
 windows. He called me by a motion of his hand, and, 
 following one of my old impulses, I went. 
 
 "Did your cousin propose to Miss Carme ? " he asked. 
 
 To evade would be folly. How far it was necessary to 
 soften the pang for him, I could not tell. 
 
 " He did," I answered. 
 
 "And she rejected him?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " Did you know of this before we left New York ? Did 
 she tell you?" 
 
 She did. I heard it from both.'* 
 
 " And you allowed her to make this monstrous sacri- 
 fice ! You must have known that she loved him," he said.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 337 
 
 "What could I do? She had already refused him, and 
 was resolute in her endeavor to perform what she consid- 
 ered her duty. How could I go against her sense of right 
 and honor?" 
 
 "Have you any tender, womanly soul at all? Do you 
 care for your fellow-creatures ? or are they like so many 
 blocks of wood or stone ? Both might have been saved 
 much anguish." 
 
 " You are bitterly unjust," I said, roused, as in the old 
 times. " I did point out the course that I considered best 
 that she should tell you, and allow you to become the 
 arbiter. I could do nothing more." 
 
 " A word to me would have been sufficient." 
 
 " Did you expect me to say that ? " 
 
 I turned suddenly, my face white with the effort I made 
 to suppress my indignation. 
 
 " Heavens ! no. You would sacrifice everything to your 
 relentless pride. What have I done that you should hate 
 me so persistently ? " 
 
 " If I had hated you, I think I could have found a better 
 opportunity to wound. I should have rejoiced in making 
 you suffer through your love for her." 
 
 " My love for her has not been so selfish that I should 
 have barred her out of any dearer happiness. I shall not 
 attempt to justify myself in your eyes, knowing that can 
 never be. She came to me a beautiful, guileless child, at 
 a time when I had well nigh lost my faith in all other 
 women. I did not design to win her heart ; she was so 
 young and fresh, so unconscious of all the dearer joys of 
 life. But one day I found, or fancied, that I had roused a 
 deeper than friendly interest in that hitherto untroubled 
 heart. Perhaps the consciousness of being loved was as 
 blissful to me as to another man." 
 22
 
 338 STDNIE ADRIANCE, OK 
 
 I had no word to say, and so kept silent during the long 
 pause he made. 
 
 " I said, perhaps God has sent this late joy to make 
 amends for other dead hopes. I will take her to rny heart, 
 and shield her from all care, worship her as men do angels. 
 I will watch the unfolding of this pure heart ; and, if my 
 name be inscribed on its innermost portals, I will cherish 
 the gift with my whole strong soul ; but if she finds that 
 this was but a childish regard, and the deepest springs of 
 her being are stirred, I will bless her and send her on her 
 vay. My own solitary fate I can endure." 
 
 "That was hardly love," I ventured. 
 
 "How many of us attain to our high ideal? In our 
 early visions nothing but a royal banquet will satisfy us ; 
 later we sit down to humble fare with contented minds, 
 I thought once that I had found the gold instead, a glit- 
 tering rock, than which no ice peak could be colder. Then 
 I was willing to take the crumbs of daily life." 
 
 "You are not a humble man," I said, half bewildered 
 by his tone and manner. 
 
 "Do you know what I am? would you know if a thou- 
 sand years were given you?" 
 
 Elsie stirred, and we both were beside her in a moment. 
 She was still asleep ; her pulse, though weak, was growing 
 more regular. 
 
 Mr. St. John summoned the nurse. 
 
 " You must go now," he said to me. And I hurried 
 away, glad to be released. 
 
 But I could not sleep. A hundred conflicting emotions 
 made perfect chaos of my brain. Was I never to be be- 
 yond the reach of this man's influence ? Would he always 
 be able to summon my soul with a word or a look ? 
 
 After an hour or two I rose, bathed my face and ar- 
 ranged my hair, and went down to the breakfast-room. 
 Mrs. Lawrence Ba there alone.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 339 
 
 " O," she exclaimed, " Stuart said you were to sleep till 
 noon. The doctor has been here, and thinks the worst is 
 over with our darling." 
 
 Her eyes were full of grateful tears. 
 
 " If I had a child of my own, I couldn't love it better," 
 she sayl, vehemently. " I never cared so much for any 
 human being." 
 
 I drank a cup of coffee, and then returned to Elsie's room. 
 Mr. St. John was sitting by the window, his face bowed 
 in his hand ; but he neither spoke nor stirred. 
 
 How I lived through the day I can hardly tell. At 
 times such a deathly sinking and strange fear rushed over 
 me that I could hardly breathe at all as if I had been 
 tortured on the rack ; and in the after moment of release 
 my whole frame throbbed with intense anguish. If I could 
 only be at peace once again ! 
 
 Elsie, though very weak and low, was out of immediate 
 danger. For several days she lay motionless, and with no 
 (k-sires, but in that shadowy, transition state. One morn- 
 ing she greeted me with a faint, sweet smile. 
 
 " How long have you been here ? " she asked. 
 
 "About a week," was my answer. 
 
 " I am so glad you came ! Did I talk much ? " 
 
 " Not very intelligibly ; " and I laughed. 
 
 After that she began to recover rapidly; but she could 
 hardly endure to have me out of her sight. Her clinging 
 love was inexpressibly sweet. 
 
 " Will you give me your cousin's address ?" Mr. St. John 
 asked me one evening. " He is abroad, I believe." 
 
 I wrote it on a card, and handed it to him. Since that 
 night of our strange talk we had gone on in our usual 
 manner; he being so self-contained that I really ceased to 
 speculate upon him.. I felt that he intended to summon 
 Gerald back, but asked no questions.
 
 840 STDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 The whole household, down to the smallest servant, 
 rejoiced at Elsie's return to health. Mr. St. John was ten- 
 derly solicitous for her comfort and pleasure ; yet I felt 
 that it was not exactly a lover's care. Was he capable of 
 a grand, absorbing passion, which would bring him out 
 of his lofty self? 
 
 After a while Elsie's improvement ceased to be so rapid. 
 She was well enough then to be taken out in an easy car- 
 riage; Mrs. Lawrence, or I, and Mr. St. John used to ac- 
 company her. But I noted the wistful sadness that would 
 not infrequently steal over her face, and the longing eyes 
 that looked into the far distance, seeing nothing. Mr. St. 
 John watched her very closely also. I wondered within 
 myself how it was to end. 
 
 At length I surprised her in tears. 
 
 " My darling," I exclaimed, " what has occurred to dis- 
 tress you ? " 
 
 She leaned her head on my bosom, and wept bitterly for 
 a while. At last she said, 
 
 " Dear Miss Clifford, I have made my best friend mis- 
 erable by my mad folly of the winter. I hate myself ! I 
 wish I had never come to Laurelwood to work such wretch- 
 edness. How did I happen to tell? All the first of my 
 sickness I had such a horror of being delirious ! That was 
 one reason why I wanted you. I thought you would shield 
 my fatal secret. But he heard it all." 
 
 " He could hardly help learning it, and must have sus- 
 pected something by your manner, for it did make a change 
 in you. It is better that it should be known, if you could 
 only look upon it in this light." 
 
 " I look upon myself as a weak creature, with no stability 
 of purpose, incapable of appreciating the most generous 
 heart that was ever bestowed upon a woman. I have been 
 deceitful, vacillating "
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 341 
 
 " Hush," I said ; " you shall not talk so. It was a mis- 
 take that any young girl might easily fall into. You 
 thought you loved Mr. St. John " 
 
 "And I did I do," she interrupted. 
 
 "If there had been no Mr. St. John in the world, how 
 could you have felt about Gerald?" 
 
 She flushed deeply, and said, with a weary sigh, 
 
 " I don't seem to understand at all. I want Mr. St. John 
 to be happy ; instead of rendering him so, I have given 
 him only pain, and made Gerald suffer also." 
 
 "What does Mr. St. John propose?" 
 
 " He talked to me so tenderly that it melted my heart. 
 He will not admit that he shall be miserable in giving up 
 the engagement, but I know no other hope will blossom to 
 his life. Could I be happy in knowing he was sorrowful 
 and desolate ? " 
 
 " Could he be happy in knowing that the rich, sponta- 
 neous love the best gift of a woman's heart should in 
 your case be another's?" 
 
 " Did you ever love any one ? " she said, simply, raising 
 her head. 
 
 The blood rushed in a torrent to my face. 
 
 " Forgive me." Her voice was very humble. " It seems 
 so strange to care for two, though." 
 
 " Does it make no difference to you whether Gerald is 
 happy?" 
 
 "O, Miss Clifford, it almost kills me sometimes when I 
 think of his pain and anguish. And when I was first 
 sick he was in my mind continually. Do you hear from 
 him?" 
 
 "I have heard once." 
 
 " There is some fatality about me, I believe. I wonder 
 that any one should care so much for me." 
 
 " My darling, no one can help it."
 
 342 SYDNIE ADKIANCE, OR 
 
 "Mr. St. John thinks it wiser to wait. He wants me 
 to be quite free in the mean while, and meet Mr. Clifford 
 again. But Gerald will never come back. I gave him 
 such a positive refusal." 
 
 Should I tell her what I suspected, that Gerald was 
 already on his homeward way? I did not know that Mr. 
 St. John had written, but I felt convinced that he designed 
 Elsie should come to her rightful inheritance. 
 
 I talked a long while, trying to make her look at the 
 case in its true light. She was so gentle, and longed so 
 earnestly to do right, that one could hardly call her strange 
 persistency obstinacy. She had proposed to herself a high 
 heroic task, and if it were swept away, her life at first would 
 appear aimless. 
 
 By degrees I believe Mr. St. John brought her to a 
 clearer mental state. She seemed merging into a sweet 
 and noble womanhood, and began to feel that her regard 
 for him was one of those exalted friendships, rather than a 
 profound love. He was delicacy and tenderness itself. If 
 he had ever treated me in this fashion 
 
 One day he told her that he had sent for Gerald, and 
 received a telegram in return. Ere long he would be at 
 Laurelwood.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 343 
 
 CHAPTER XXVL 
 
 ' The deepest ice that ever froze 
 Can only o'er the surface close; 
 The burning stream lies quick below, 
 And flows, and cannot cease to flow." 
 
 JUNE had brought the roses to Laurel wood in richest 
 profusion. I used to question if any other place in the 
 world was so beautiful Amid all my wanderings, that spot 
 still seemed an Eden, and yet I was not happy. For I 
 must begin my pilgrimage shortly again. Now that actual 
 <luty was over, the delay here was too dangerous and too 
 dearly purchased, 
 
 We sat on the balcony in the late afternoon, where the 
 westward sunshine was stealing through the swaying vines 
 in grotesque shadows. Now and then one crowned Elsie, 
 who had grown lovelier, if such a thing could be. 
 
 I was reading Lady Geraldine's Courtship to them, or 
 rather had been, for now my voice paused at its ending, 
 and there was a long silence. 
 
 " I think Sydnie is like Bertram," Elsie said, slowly, as 
 if she had been revolving the subject in her mind. 
 
 "Do you?" and Mr. St. John smiled. u Because she is 
 so proud ? " 
 
 " Yes. He was more haughty than Lady Geraldine." 
 
 " But even he relented at last" 
 
 "Does that mean Sydnie wouldn't?" she asked, in a 
 quiet tone. " And if she were in love " 
 
 " Which she doesn't believe in." 
 
 " O, Sydnie, for once he is mistaken is he not ? " and
 
 344 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 her eager face, with its glow of faith, was turned to- 
 wards me. 
 
 " I never professed to doubt," I said, softly. 
 
 " It does not require open professions to test one in that 
 respect. A little act is often sufficient." 
 
 " You don't mean that because she did not marry Mr. 
 Channing ?" 
 
 u No, little one, I never considered that a love, or even a 
 friendship." 
 
 There was a touch of sarcasm in his voice. 
 
 M Well, what then ? I am curious," and she glanced into 
 his face. 
 
 " I only know that once she was very proud. Perhaps 
 she did not love at all. I suppose she did not, but she was 
 loved." 
 
 I listened in a kind of breathless trance. 
 
 " O, tell me about him. I think I am always interested 
 more in the unhappy ones, those who have a great trial or 
 burden to bear." 
 
 He stooped to kiss her calm forehead 
 
 " There was once a man who loved her. lie had lived 
 much within himself, and rather distrusted the world in 
 general. It may be that he was piqued to find a word 
 or glance of here could move him so easily. In all the 
 wide world he feared nothing but her; because when he 
 dared to dream, which was seldom, his visions were so 
 entrancing, that sometimes he dreaded to have them swept 
 away at a word. After her engagement was broken, she 
 lost her fortune, you know. He took a little courage then, 
 and offered her all that a man can give " 
 
 "But she couldn't have refused him then, if she cared at 
 all. It was so generous," she interrupted. 
 
 " I suppose she did not care at all ; and BO ends the 
 story."
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 345 
 
 U O, SydnieJ I don't like it to end that way. Will he 
 never come back to her? What became of him?" 
 
 " My little Elsie, men may be proud, as well as women," 
 
 "Didn't you care a little?" 
 
 " I was poor, and he rich," I said ; but my voice sounded 
 like a far-off dream. My very soul seemed to stand still 
 That I should listen to this story now, and know there 
 was no step that I could retrace 2 
 
 " He was noble and good, and I wish Sydnie had loved 
 Lim." 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence sauntered out to us, and that ended the 
 conversation. A few moments later Mr. St. John was 
 summoned to the library by the arrival of a guest. 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence was very well satisfied with the turn 
 affairs had taken, * It is the only real foolish thing that I 
 ever knew Stuart to stumble into," she said, confidently, to 
 me, concerning the engagement. 
 
 A servant was sent for Elsie, When I heard her low, 
 glad cry, I solved the mystery at once. Mr. St. John 
 came through the hall presently. 
 
 " It is your cousin," he said ; and then he went to his 
 own room, I talked to Mrs. Lawrence long after the stars 
 came out. I wanted to keep away from myself and the 
 sense of loss that overwhelmed me. Why must fate bring 
 me back to be tortured afresh? Through this new tie we 
 would be linked together again. How would I endure it? 
 Every nerve shrank with an intense dread. 
 
 That Elsie was supremely happy I need hardly say. 
 After that first interview her doubts were forever set at 
 rest, mid with her peculiar delicacy she confessed that Mr. 
 St. John had been right, and decided wisely for all. 
 
 " That St. John of yours is the noblest man alive," Ger- 
 ald said to me the next morning. " He is a veritable fairy 
 prince j yet I wonder a little that Elsie should have loved
 
 346 6YDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 me, for I cannot compare with him. I shall never be jeal- 
 ous, though ;" and a bright, bappy smile illumined his face. 
 
 One wave drifts us into bliss, and we are content ; but 
 we beat against the tide of sorrow continually, finding no 
 haven of rest. We were all satisfied with the delight of 
 these young hearts, and they settled into the rapture of 
 lovers with hardly a thought for any one save themselves 
 the sweet selfishness of entire affection. 
 
 Gerald was browned by the tropical sun, but handsomer 
 than ever. Mrs. Lawrence took him under her protection 
 at once, and a marriage was discussed. He thought until 
 autumn a sufficiently long probation, and Elsie really had 
 no will of her own about it. I suspect Gerald tempted 
 her by visions of foreign travel and Parisian operas. 
 
 All this was done in a week, and I proposed my de- 
 parture. There was a general outcry, but I promised to 
 be back at the wedding. 
 
 " If there isn't some fatality about it," Mrs. Lawrence 
 said ; and I knew my own unfortunate experiment came 
 fresh to her mind. 
 
 M I don't see why you need go," Mr. St. John began, ab- 
 ruptly, as we were rambling through the shady walk. 
 
 " Business and necessity call me," I returned. " My 
 duties here seem to be all performed." 
 
 "Duty and necessity! They are hateful words for a 
 woman. She should have some sort of love or choice. 
 Perhaps you have?" 
 
 There was a little sneer in the bland tones. For a mo- 
 ment I could not make any reply. 
 
 "Haven't your many ramblings hither and thither satis- 
 fied you? This unrest, this continual search for new 
 pleasures, has been the bane of your life." 
 
 " Do you think every step I have been compelled to 
 take has had direct reference to pleasure?" I asked, 
 almost haughtily.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD, 347 
 
 "Perhaps not pleasure, but a craving for new scenes and 
 friends. Are they better than the old ? And now that 
 you have won fame, has it made you happy ? " 
 
 "That was not my sole aim. Do me the justice to be- 
 lieve it." 
 
 "You always had a longing to mix in the world's fray. 
 Some day you will learn that the crowning glory of a wo- 
 man's life is not so much the position she sustains to the 
 world, as to see her love and patience reflected in the faces 
 she meets at the fireside. But I believe you cannot be 
 content with the quiet joys that come to others." 
 
 "Mr. St. John, you are unjust - an old fault of yours." 
 
 " I am full of faults in your eyes ! " He stooped to pull 
 a branch of larch, and then began despoiling it of its 
 clustering needles. "You distance us in your clear sight 
 when you become philosophers. We protest a little at 
 being stripped of the few graces romance has invested us 
 with." 
 
 My pulses were throbbing under the rigid control in 
 which I held them. I would not be made angry as in 
 those foolish old days. 
 
 " I don't see why you go ! For that matter, you might 
 write a book here in these sylvan retreats, or turn poet. 
 You are not fortuneless, that you need take up school 
 teaching." 
 
 " I did that from urgent necessity," I answered, point- 
 edly. 
 
 " No, you didn't. You had all offered you then that is 
 ever laid at a woman's feet ; " and his voice trembled with 
 a strange excitement. " Home, fortune, and love ! You 
 refused them. I can never forget the word you used 
 easily. Is your heart a stone ? " 
 
 An almost deathly spasm came over me. My very 
 limbs tottered, and for an instant the shady path was like
 
 348 SYDXIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 blackest night. Where should I go to escape this being, 
 whose every word was torture ? Then I rallied. I would 
 fight my way out, hard as it might prove. 
 
 " I remember it," I said, with a calmness that sounded 
 terrible, even to my own self. " No fortune could have 
 bought me then, no gold ever will. And what was your 
 love if it could be put in a few formal words ? I will con- 
 fess that I was proud and sensitive, sore too from the hard 
 blow fate had given me; but even then that calm regard 
 could not satisfy me." 
 
 " Nothing can. Nothing ever will." 
 
 There was a dreary cadence in his tone that smote me 
 bitterly. We walked on in silence, side by side, but sun- 
 dered as if the whole world lay between. Coming to the 
 end of the path we both paused. What vain, wild incense 
 I had offered at this man's shrine. Useless all! 
 
 "You will stay?" 
 
 Was the voice tender or beseeching? There was a 
 rushing sound in my brain as if I had been leagues deep 
 in the sea. 
 
 " I cannot." 
 
 He made room for me to pass. The last word had been 
 said. I raised my eyes, as if mastered by some spell. 
 
 "Sydnie!" 
 
 I was weak and faint. If the strong arm had not caught 
 me I should have fallen. And then one long, passionate 
 kiss, one clasp. 
 
 " Go," he said, releasing me. " Since you prefer fame, 
 and the honor the world can give, to love my love," and 
 his voice trembled with emotion, "I will no longer annoy 
 you by my entreaties." 
 
 In that moment pride was swept away. Blinded by 
 tears, and throbbing in every pulse, unable to speak, I 
 stretched out my hands.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 349 
 
 "Child," he said, with vehemence, "do you love me? do 
 you need me? Have your false idols crumbled to dust? 
 For if I have any, I want all your heart. No weak, irreso- 
 lute passion will satisfy me. I am selfish and exactin"- in 
 this." 
 
 "I need you," I replied, with the courage of a love I no 
 longer feared, for the thought of reigning in his heart in- 
 spired me. 
 
 " Five years ago you went away, taking with you the 
 dearest hope of my life. To-day you have brought it back. 
 We will never part again." 
 
 love, made perfect in faith ! Why had I not known 
 before? For now it spoke in the deep eyes suffused with 
 tenderness, in the flush of the broad, kingly brow, the 
 tremulous lips, the whole air. 
 
 "Is it no dream? My darling, let me hear from your 
 own lips that you love me. How I have hungered for 
 these blessed words ! " 
 
 1 said them not once, but many times. The eager, fer- 
 vent eyes seemed to drain my soul to its very depths, and 
 yet there was no void. 
 
 " Shall I tell you that, daring and resolute as I could be 
 in all other matters, I have feared you almost beyond be- 
 lief? From the very first, when you were a proud, way- 
 ward, undeveloped girl. I had never loved before, and 
 all the fire of a strong nature was kindled. But I dreaded 
 your triumph, and fancied in those old days that every 
 other person pleased you more readily than I. Not even 
 to my dearest friend could I have yielded you without a 
 mortal pang. Perhaps love in natures like mine is cruel 
 from its very intensity. I have been harsh and selfish, 
 but Heaven knows the anguish I have suffered. Will you 
 accept my expiation ? " 
 
 " I could have loved you even then," I said, slowly, think-
 
 350 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OB 
 
 ing of the many times he had swayed me against my 
 will. 
 
 "Could you?" he returned, almost sharply. "How 
 happened it, then, that my cousin's foolish trifling won 
 you? From the first I had a fatal misgiving. A wild re- 
 solve urged me to fly to your rescue, and then the utter 
 absurdity of the step deterred me. After you brought him 
 home there were times when I was on the very verge of a 
 betrayal. I never felt so certain of your regard that I 
 dared risk a confession, for it seemed as if your ridicule 
 was the one thing I could not endure." 
 
 "Your influence saved me in that dread time;" and I 
 shivered at the recollection. 
 
 "Ah, I knew at last that you did not love him. But 
 you counterfeited skilfully. Then, filled with doubt and 
 mistrust, I asked myself how much truth there was in a 
 woman. Faith received a cruel shock. Yet I fancy I un- 
 derstand how his sweetness and apparent generosity led 
 you astray. But it maddened me that you should be so 
 blind, and that my sister should stand ready to applaud and 
 encourage. I refused my consent, in the hope that Aylmer 
 would find some stronger attraction elsewhere. There were 
 a few days of intense anguish, and then came that blessed 
 respite. I read your secret you were as much relieved as I." 
 
 " I hate myself for all that episode," I exclaimed, ve- 
 hemently. " But you were bitter and cruel. How could 
 I dream that you cared ? " 
 
 "I spoke afterwards. Sydnie, if you had ever loved, 
 how could you have been so cold and proud? When I 
 went away, I thought I had won the great hope of my life. 
 Our time for explanations was very brief, as you well know, 
 and the sudden relief and joy dazzled me. I seemed to 
 be borne down some swift tide of joy, and for the few 
 hours stricken dumb, as it were. How often I attempted
 
 TBYING THE WORLD. 351 
 
 to write I cannot tell you ; but love like mine needed lips 
 HS fond and warm to answer its questions. Haunted by 
 visions of rare, exquisite bliss, I counted every day's delay 
 with a jealous, longing heart. And when I returned 
 ah, child ! it was like a cruel stab from the hand of a friend. 
 The very servants came to welcome me, but no sound or 
 sign from you. I was amazed, chilled to the heart's core. 
 When necessity brought you into my presence, you were 
 distant and haughty as a princess. I tortured myself with 
 perplexing questions, and felt utterly at loss to account 
 for your coldness. That you should not misunderstand 
 the import of the words I had spoken before my departure, 
 I wrote you a note. What demon of icy pride possessed 
 you? Not a gesture of love, not a sign of tenderness, not 
 a word, until that bitter sentence ' easily answered ! ' O, 
 Sydnie ! were you human in those days, or only a beauti- 
 ful, soulless statue ? " 
 
 " I was poor. More than this I had overheard a sur- 
 mise that, having lost my fortune, I would be only too 
 glad to win your favor. The thought rankled until it 
 filled my whole soul." 
 
 " Not from my sister, surely ? " he asked, in quick alarm. 
 
 " No. It was some foolish girlish gossip." 
 
 He smiled loftily, as if the fancy had been simply absurd. 
 
 " Did you hate to owe anything to me ? Why, I would 
 have loved you, shielded you, made life as radiant as God 
 meant it should be to you. I thought then that having 
 gained one triumph over me, and brought me to your 
 feet, you were satisfied. I confess that you had always 
 held me in a strange state of doubt and fear." 
 
 "Fonnve," I said, moved to tears. "I was afraid of 
 
 O ' * 
 
 your pity and generosity. Since I had nothing save love to 
 
 give, I wanted that only in return. And you were proud." 
 
 "My darling, we have misunderstood one another fa-
 
 352 SYDNIE ADRIANCE, OR 
 
 tally. I was sore and sensitive, and, with a man's spirit, 
 one check was sufficient. I could not see my love trampled 
 into the dust. Your goiug in the manner you did was 
 another agonizing wound. It said that you wanted neither 
 love, nor friendship, nor sympathy; that my very presence 
 was distasteful to you. Still I kept watch of your move- 
 ment* I knew how long you were at school ; more than 
 once I stole a glimpse of your pale, resolute face, still 
 high and haughty. Why were you so unlike other wo- 
 men? And then your illness, your going abroad, and 
 your literary venture. Did you gather anything from your 
 own heart lor that book? As I read, I seemed to under- 
 stand your soul; yet having been once mistaken, I was 
 wary. Then came the news of your marriage. I learned 
 from a friend in Rome that you had gone to Nice with 
 your husband's family. Until that time I had cherished 
 a secret hope. Now all the romance of my life had 
 burned to ashes, and lay a cold, gray ruin. 
 
 "I don't know that I can explain the peculiar charm 
 Elsie exercised over me at this period. It was a child's 
 sweet eagerness to comfort and cheer. Without a word 
 she understood that my heart was heavy, and ministered 
 to me in her own rare, delicate fashion. I knew I should 
 never win love again; the fire and anticipation necessary 
 for such an effort had died out of my nature. But this 
 came to me in such an angelic guise that I opened my 
 heart to the blessed visitor unaware. She thought she 
 loved me, and I intended to be most generous with her. 
 I would wait until she had seen the world if she found 
 a brighter and more youthful affection, I meant to yield 
 my claim. I thought this would be so when I first heard 
 her speak of your cousin. 
 
 "Meanwhile I had shut you entirely out of my life. I 
 purposely avoided hearing the slightest mention of your
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 353 
 
 namp. Judge of my surprise, therefore, when I met you 
 at Mrs. Varick's. And that night I knew no other had 
 ever won your love. But I was bound ! 
 
 " Was it Avrong to expose Elsie to temptation ? Heaven 
 knows that I should have kept my word faithfully if it 
 had been for her happiness. I suspected when I brought 
 her home that something had gone wrong ; yet I never 
 dreamed of her making this sacrifice. My noble-hearted 
 Elsie ! She longed so for you that I sent ; and I resolved 
 then to fathom this mystery to the uttermost depths. But 
 it was confessed in a way that I had not counted on ; and 
 that night I was as much in doubt as ever in regard to 
 your love for me. Why did you never betray yourself? 
 Your control is like adamant." 
 
 " Was," I said, softly. " It never can be again." 
 
 "My darling, will you let me reign? I believe most of 
 my injustice has arisen from a fear of your love. Can I 
 take it to my soul, and hold it as my .very own, never 
 to doubt again ? Will you be patient until my wild pas- 
 sion is trained into tender, unselfish love? For it can be 
 done." 
 
 I glanced into the deep, ardent eyes. Ah ! was it not a 
 dream ? Could it be that I had gained the place better 
 than all a home in the heart of one who held my very 
 soul in thrall ? At rest and content. What blissful words ! 
 
 We wandered up and down the shady walk, confessing 
 the follies of those old days, and being absolved. Was the 
 joy less entrancing for coming late? We had both suf- 
 ercd, both waited, and learned some of the grand secrets 
 of life. 
 
 " My dear Sydnie," Mrs. Lawrence exclaimed, an hour 
 or two later, " is it true that you are going to marry 
 Stuart? I am so bewildered by the announcement, that I 
 hardly know what to believe." 
 23
 
 354: BYDNIE ADRIAXCE, OR 
 
 "It is true;" and I blushed like a girl. 
 
 "I am so delighted ! You and Stuart are both odd-; so 
 I think you will agree. Only " she came near, and 
 looked intently in ray eyes "are you in love? That 
 used to be one of your stipulations ; " and she smiled. 
 
 " I am in love," I confessed. 
 
 " Then you will be satisfied. I am sure that I wish you 
 all happiness. I am glad matters have settled themselves 
 so well, for Elsie's sake. I never did quite approve of the 
 engagement, you know." 
 
 Elsie was wild with delight. She made Mr. St. John 
 explain every mystery to her, and assured herself that he 
 was on the verge of positive and complete happiness. 
 As for me, I was passive, content to let another think 
 for me. 
 
 What blessed days those were ! Life rounded into per- 
 fect cairn, after all its tempest and fierce tides. 
 
 I could hardly believe myself the object of this great 
 tenderness. Not that Mr. St. John had suddenly lost all 
 disposition to exert his power, but it was softened by his 
 deep love, come to a late yet fragrant blossoming. 
 
 Mrs. Lawrence had reached the height of satisfaction. 
 At last there was to be a wedding at Laurelwood. They 
 overruled my faint objection, and determined thaj, I should 
 be married !)t the same time. 
 
 " You need not be afraid of old ghosts," Mr. St. John 
 said, laughingly ; " they are laid forever." 
 
 And so the preparations went on. Hosts of congratu- 
 lations came to me; Philip Westcrvell's, which brought 
 tears to my eyes, as lie rejoiced that his prayers for his 
 friend had been answered ; and Laura's, accompanied by a 
 love-gift, one entirely characteristic of her. I managed 
 to spend a week with Anne, and gave ray cousins a few 
 hours.
 
 TRYING THE WORLD. 355 
 
 It is my bridal day. 
 
 Sitting here, adding a brief word to this record of my 
 past, a step startles me. I am not so familiar with my 
 happiness that I can take it calmly. Every pulse thrills to 
 the sound of the low, fond voice. 
 
 The leaves are slowly turned in spite of my faint re- 
 monstrance. Tender kisses fall upon my forehead ; then 
 a stronger hand than mine takes the pen, and writes in a 
 clear, bold manner 
 
 " No longer your life, but ours" 
 
 I feel it ; and my heart rejoices that its existence is to 
 be merged into that of the beloved. With his hand 
 clasped in mine, I shall not fear. 
 
 We have reached the fair land of human affection 
 we have only to go onward to the Eden of Divine love, 
 and the way is fair, a path of roses with but few thorns, 
 which God may give us the grace to miss.