\ 4 THB ADVENTURES OP UNCLE SAM, IN SEARCH AFTER HIS LOST HONOR. > J FREDERICK AUGUSTUS FIDFADDY, ESQ. \\ HEMBIH OF THE LEGIOJT OF HOXOB, SCHATCH-ETABT TO UHCLE SAM. AXD PRIVT COUNSELLOR TO HIMSELF. Taurum per caudam grabbo. (Merino Latin* ) >+< PKINTEO BY SETH RICHAEDSr 1816, jQfstrfcr of Connertttut, ss, B 1 E IT REMEMBERED; That on the six* teenth day of May, in the fortieth year of the _ independence of the United States of America, Sura RICH inns, of the said District, hath deposited in this office the title of a Book, the right whereof he claims as proprietor, in the words following, to wit : " The ' sdy^ntures af ,Ur?cJe Sam, in search after his lost "honor ;< &y i'rediriclr Arijuslus Fidfaddy, Esq Member of " the LegioiV6f Honor! Scrstcb-etary to Uncle Sam, and Privy " Couosellor tQ himself. Taurum per caudam grabbo. (Me- ' . ejic* pfth^on^ress of the United States, entitled, "An Act for thV encouragement of Learning-, by se- curing the copies of Maps, Charts and Books, to the authors and proprietors of such copies, during the times therein mefl- :ioned." HENRY W. EDWARDS, Clerk of the District of Connecticut A true copy of Record, examined and sealed by me, HENRY W. EDWARDS, Clerk of the District of Connecticut CONTENTS. CHAPTER t Page. Introduction. CHAPTER II, Some, account of Thomas the Magician* CHAPTER III. Policy of Jacques Dialogue between Uncle Sam and Ms Squire Final resolution of Uncle Sam. 21 CHAPTER IV. Household affairs Situation of the Strong Box Singular expedient to replenish it Conference be- tween the Chief Steward and Uncle Sam's- wife irgument between Madam Sam and Tom Boston. 2ft CHAPTER V. An unaccountable bustle about the Great Wigwam Wonderful appearances Appointment of Bashaws and Pachas Count Scratch-us-off*s expedition Sangrado reads the declaration of war to Uncle Sam. 38 CHAPTER VI. Interview Between Uncle, Sam and his Squire, continu- ed Fresh proofs of the insolence of Tom Boston Some account of Count Scratdirojfs expedition Second attempt on the Snowjlelds under the auspices of Admiral Tom-us-off. 46 CHAPTER VII. Wickedness of Tom Boston Proposals for an armis- M774G8 tice Naval transactions Philosophical reflections of the Historian. 55 CHAPTER VIII. Conferences at the WigwamTrial of Count Scratch- us-ojf Expedition and wonderful adventures of Smyte-us-q/ Causes of its failure Misfortunes of our friend Nap Reflections. 65 CHAPTER IX. Sangrado's special can of his Master A village Bar- Room Speech of an Old Soldier Family confer- ence. 78 CHAPTER X. Uncle Zachanfs Chronicle of the War in the North, the West and the South and while relating these marvellous deeds, he, maketh many wise reflections. 92 CHAPTER XL Mistaken notions of honor condemned Naval trans- actions Perry's victory Commodore Rogers Captain Porter's cruise and loss of the Essex Commodore Chauncey ^Captain Warringtan Prevosfs expedition Battle on Cliamplain De- fence of New Orleans. 106 CHAPTER XII. Remarks of the Historian Gloomy condition of Uncle Sam's affairs Family, meeting Result of their deliberation Treaty of Peace Whimsical conduct and opinions of Uncle Sam respecting it The ac- count balanced Reflections on Washington's and Jefferson's Administrations On opposition Con- clusion. 123 ADVENTURES , v , - OF . . . f - UNCLE SAM, &c. CHAPTER I. INTRODUCTION. il WHAT ! another history of the war ? We cannot be always reading" exclaims a Smoking Lounger, while he strikes his silver headed rattan against the door- post of the Bookseller. Softly, my friend, the work professes to be the Adventures of your own dear Uncle, if you are a native American, or of your Unde-in-Law, if you are not. And shall we, a scientific people, suffer events as large as life, and feats of valor, even more wonderful than the characters concerned in them, to pass down the lane of time on the tattered wing of tra- dition ! Shall deeds of fame hard earned in iron fields of argument flutter on to future times, like the treaties of savages, on the tongues of women, mutilated, distorted, exaggerated and defrauded of half their beauty? Shall the adventures of a hero, equally renowned for his valor, wisdom and humanity, boast only the windy immortality of being tossed from tongue to ear ? Shall deeds that deserve to be inscribed on Pyramids, be sent begging to the tea-table, to sit for their pictures before female artists ? Forbid it quills ! Forbid it ink ! For- bid it Printer's types, and Printer's devils. But fi ting (for argument's sake only) that our subject were trivial, have we not the example of high authority for .undertaking a work of this kind ? Do we not annually read a report of wire-drawn longitude, from the treasury Department,; treating wholly of what, every creditor to /go'wrninent w^li declare, on his honor, is a very trifle. But away with such a forbidden thought ! Has not the New World some claim, to the honors of the resurgent nge of chivalry ? Shall A madis de Gaul, Don Quixote and Earl Strongbow, confer unfading glories on the respective countries which were the theatres of their exploits ; and miser-like, pocket all the renown of ro- mantic chivalry ? Forbid it Uncle Sam, and all his sons {i But who is the Author of this strange work? What does he call himself? Tid Fid Faddy? this cannot be his real name, a mere fiction.'' Aye, but honest friend, Avhat is there, in these degenerate days that does al- ways pass by its real, deserved name ? does vil'any, knavery, deception, put on no flattering disguise?, and will you quarrel with a name, which to say the lerst, cannot raise your expectations ? But on the other hand : Do not honesty, patriotism, nay, does not religion itself, often suffer from counterfeits and masquerades ? Do you smell no deception in the proffered benevolence of the Demagogue, whose ardent fire of love for you. licks up the last morsel of happiness from the altar of Freedom, whose fraternal squeeze would unbolton the last pitiful cent from your purse. Ah, then do j: l censure the modest reserve of an author, who only claims the privilege of doing good unseen : neither will you do well to envy him ; for if his work should fall i?eneatli the notice of criticism, you may safely fancy to yourself that you see the "chagriu exuding from Uie corners of both his eyes ; but if any wind of public opinion should puff a little praise in his ear, remem- ber that he must still offer it up to his own heart in se- cret, and he has lived long enough in the world to know, that he that serves himself, has an awkward servant, and a scurvy master. " But what are his pretensions to literature ? does he presume to enter the lists with Gulliver, Cervantes and Defoe ?' } Now again tlaou hast nearly grappled thy game, but that the Author recollects, most opportunely, the importance, dignity and majesty of his subject, which must ever challenge the attention of the public, even in the the hands of the most illiterate scribe. " But again ; art thou a philosophic statesman ? Art skilled in the anatomy of Gunboats and Seventy fours ? Hast ever been chairman of a Committee of Ways and Means ? Hast ever presided at a public Dinner ?" Not entirely all this ; his faculties have, indeed, been plod- ding over his Country's Credit and attempting to trace its Anatomical outline, from the skeleton which out- State surgeons have generously exhibited for the in- spection of the curious. He has taken some few lec- tures on the new and fascinating science of spending two dollars, where one would do as well, and in imita- tion of certain industrious Committees has reported progress and obtained leave to sit again. Now honest friend, if you will make a halt in your enquiries, the Att- thor will tell you at once, quite as much about himself as you will have patience to hear, and then without any parade or ceremony, will introduce you to the subject. The person to whom the public and yourself, are about te be indebted (ajid to whom he sincerely wishes you 8 both may feel very much obliged) has had a smattering of the languages in his boyish days, has had the good fortune, if it be any, to see both sides of the walls of a College, has read some, but reflected more. Now if you should have no expectations after hearing all this, you cannot be disappointed on perusing these wonder- ful adventures ; but if disappointment should unfortu- nately be your lot, pray call to mind a little school pro- verb of an inch in length Non omnes otnnia and if that does not satisfy take Nemo, omnibus horis, sapit. .Making you, Sir, a most profound bow, the Author turns, for a moment to the public. With much fear and no little shaking the quill-driver of these sheets, finds himself, engaged in writing a history of the most splen- did adventures, that ever passed in this freezing and thawing world. If the learned reader should find the constituent parts of this wonderful history, partly Biog- raphical, partly Historical and in some degree quizzi- cal, and should be at a loss how to name it, he is at full h'berty to alter the title to his own liking, and if criti- cism should sternly insist that, the work has none of the three great requisites, a beginning, a middle and an end, the Author has obligingly fixed the beginning at the first page and the end at the last, leaving every one to place the middle where it best suits him : or the learned critic may make a beginning by reading only a few pages, and an end, by frowning the whole work at once into oblivion, whereby two out of the three re- quisites, will certainly be produced. In short, the learned Author, in imitation of high au- thorities, solicits the indulgence of the public : 1. With regard to the appearance of our common Uncle Sam. Although, he is old enough to be very whimsical, he is 9 like the Author, a green character on the stage. He will occasionally make his appearance on various parts of it ; bouncing like a Sturgeon, sinking out of sight and soon after thundering out at a distant part. Now if any one should be so impertinent as to enquire how he travelled, some of onr Novel-readers, would be the most proper persons to solve the difficulty. 2. It will be ob- served that another hand besides the professed author's has fingered occasionally in the work. This, with the discerning, will form no objection. * Of this character will be the next chapter. The learn- ed ancestors of mine uncle Zachary are well known to the Hebrew public. And although the Author at first resolved to have no Mosaic work in the splendid struc- ture, yet it occurred to him that variety ever has its at- tractions and it is well known that Stanhold and Hop- kin's translated Psalms in company. Having said this ; the Author submits himself to the acutely censorious, allowing them to use the Bircheu. rod whenever tiiey <*an find him. -2* CHAPTER II. SOME ACCOUNT OP THOMAS, THE MAGICIAN. 1. AND it came to pass, fell out, or happened, some* what before the time at which our history begins, that there arose a mighty man in the land, called Thomas, the Magician, on account of his great skill and cunning in dark and mysterious projects. 2. This man when in his full strength, was a mighty man of valor, and withal very tender hearted ; inso- much that in the first notable quarrel between John Bull and Uncle Sam, he betook himself to a huge cav- ern lest his great strength and valor might do overmuch violence to his enemies- 3. Here he studied magie Necromancy and all the tiurious arts that serve to make a man great in the eyes f the multitude. 4. This Thomas was moreover, of a religious turn of mind for, whereas Uncle Sam acknowledged only one God, Thomas professed to believe in twenty or none as occasion required : Whence it came to pass that the multitude for the space of many years, cried out " great is Thomas the Magician." 5. And it fell out that in process of time, Thomas fix- ed his eye on the chief steward ship ; for thus he rea- soned with himself, Behold now the multitude of the people crieth after me, and although George who is now chief steward, is greatly beloved by the people yet he now governeth the household of Samuel by a new cove- nant unto which divers of tfeem have not willingly con- 11 Sented ; therefore I will listen diligently, and whenso- ever I hear a murmuring, I will say unto the people, Would it not have been better thus ? Behold did I not forewarn thee ? 6. And so it came to pass, that he began to take the servants by the hand, and say unto them, " O that I were made judge in the Land, that any man having a matter, should come to me and I would do him justice." 7. Nevertheless the people were not minded to heark- en to him for this time, so that John became chief steward. 8. Yet during the stewardship of John, which was fifty and two moons, Thomas ceased not to vex the un- derstanding of the multitude and to cause them to find much fault with the conduct of John and the wife of Samuel, and caused many grievous and sore complaints to be brought against them : 9. Behold said Thomas, how mine Uncle Samuel hath fought in times past against John Bull and hath prevail- ed, nevertheless he oweth at this time, many talents of silver ; 10. Yet John ceaseth not to build ships and to have bowmen and spearmen not a few, and to lay many grievous burthens on the people and crieth out " the Phi- listines," when no enemy is near, and the whole Land is in peace. 11. And see ye not this woman, in whom the heart ef mine Uncle Samuel is bound up, how she walketh in the pride of her imagination, and hath bought many costly ornaments of silk and of purple, and delighteth in hoods and ear-rings and bracelets and nose-jewels and saith 1 sit a Queen." 12 12. Moreover, she wliispereth in secret and backbi- teth and mocketh at all who walk not in her ways and approve not of her evil doings. 13. And thus did Thomas stir up the minds of the people against John and they waxed wroth against John and they thrust him out of the stewardship and said unto Thomas " Reign thou over us." And unto Samuel they said. The counsel of this woman is not "ood, for she wasteth thy substance 14. Lo ! no.v put her a\vay. and take unto thee the Damsel which Thomas hath provided, for lie hath pro- ved her. So Samuel hearkened unto the people and put away his wife, and the thing grieved George sore. lo. Howbeit he put her away and took the damsel, even the woman which Thomas had appointed ; and he went in unto her and She became his wife. 16. Now Thomas had instructed her aforetime and said, whenever it shall come to pass that thou shalt rule in the house of Samuel, whatsoever I shall bid you to do, that shalt thou do without gainsaying; and she said, I will. 17. Moreover, Thomas reasoned with himself and said, I have obtained the stewardship by means of de- ceiving the people, and speaking many tilings against the acts of all those that have gone before me. Now I will consider not what is vise and just to be done ; but what George and John have done, arid as they have done, so will I not do. 18. So he straightway thrust out all the servants of the Kitchen and of the household, even the chief But- ler and chief Baker, (for he said, lest they make known iny deeds) and put others in their stead. And unto 13 the Publicans and Tax-Gatherers he said, What do ye, oppressing the people ? and he oast them out. 19 And unto the Bowmen and Spearmen he said. What mean ye by this armor ? Wist ye not that the Land is in peace ? And why are there such mighty ships on the great waters ? peradventure John Bull shall steal upon them unawares, and take them away, for he loveth treachery and deceit. And he said unto them, ye shall even take them and the price shall be what seemeth good unto you. And they did so. 20. And Thomas said unto the wife of Samuel, for- asmuch as we have spoken against costly attire, ye shall put off your ornaments. 21. The wages of our servants shall be made less for even this we have promised unto the people, inasmuch as we have spoken loudly against John for all his ex- travagance in the household of Samuel ; wherefore, ye shall speak unto the servants, and he that aforetime hath received ten talents, shall receive five, and he that received two, shall receive one. 22. Howbeit, the woman communed with the ser- vants and said, Hear ye what Thomas saith ? Now the wages ye receive are not too much, ye shall even keep them, for behold, Thomas himself, now he hath obtain- ed the chief-stewardship, receiveth twenty-five talents, the same that hath been aforetime. And they said unto her, Thy counsel is good. 23. Moreover when Thomas first came into the stew- ardship he assembled all the people together, and spake smoothly unto them, and whereas he knew that there was a division amongst the people, which himself had caused, he said, ye are all brethren, wot ye not that ye are all Jews, ye are all Samaritans, therefore strive 14 not one against another. Your affairs prosper and your gold overfloweth, Therefore be ye not dismayed, for I will render equal and exact justice unto all, and I will give unto Labor the bread it has earned. 24. And the people rejoiced exceedingly, howbeit, some duit-bted.. 25. And in those days, certain evil minded men rose up against Thomas and said, Thou hast broken down the defences wherein we trusted and hast sold the ships wherein we went down upon the Great waters, and the spearmen arc driven away and scattered to and fro, and peradventure John Bull, or Apollyon the king of the Assyrians, shall come and shall war against us, and we shall be devoured before them. 26. And Thomas said I will build boats a great multi- tude, the price whereof .-hall be but few talents j and when the enemy ?c'elf sufficient Pompey was playing cards and drinking wine, he was arranging the plan of attack on the com- ing day, a day which was to decide the Liberties of Rome, and give a master to the bone and sinew of the world. " Eut nearer home. Did our friend Nap muse about the judgement of posterity when he decided the fate of Switzerland and Holland ? Did he dread the sober page of the moralist, when he despatched his prisoners at Jaffa. When he executed the Duke of Enghein and the unfortunate Bookseller Palm ? No, he reasoned, and justly too i give me Empire and let my fame take care of itself,' " Take no thought for the morrow," (that is for the morrow of future ages,) is a wise precept rather let me take thought for the Stewardship ; for it is settled that we full bloods of the Pipeweed family, shall twice possess the Stewardship. The first term I 23 am sure of, and if war with John Bull is necessary t secure it again, war it shall be. When my predeces- sor caused the repeal of the internal duties he regard- ed present not future good, for the popular cry then was, " no taxes." And when the public voice says war and taxes, so it must be ; no matter by what means that voice has been produced, or influenced." Thus ejaculated the chief steward, Sangrado made a profound bow and repaired to the tent of Uncle Sara, whom he found smoking his pipe, and in a posture more than usually thoughtful. Well, said mine Uncle, Sangrado, what is the serious world about ? What news of Bull, what of Nap, what says the chief Steward, do we have war or peace ? I .begin to grow tired of this state of things. If we have war, Sangrado, I must tell you I am not a little fearful of this nag Democracy, a fine Beast, O as true as the needle, a fine Beast to ride to Elections on and manage state affairs in time of peace ; but in war, when the battle rages, I am afraid* ah I am afraid tiie restive truant wont like the smell of powder ; ah and its no trifling affair to meet Joha Bull in the field, I've tryM it once I know all about it. I had a different horse when 1 met him at Bunker-hill, at Saratoga, at Trenton and Yorktown. Ah the good old horse Buckskin- Yankee-George could manage him, aye he knew him, there was no more dodge to him than there is to Mount Andes ; these were golden days for the fame of Uncle Sam, this accursed French. Colt was not hatched then. Oh fie, your honor replied the Squire, never was a better beast since asses came in fashion full of mettle, I have tried him at tilting and thrusting, and at pursu- ing a flying and disarmed foe there is not his equal ia 24 creation : and really sir, if the contest comes OB, it is expected there will be little else to do than pick up stragglers : War once declared, Bull with all his colors wjll fly at the mere sound of your name. Your honor's Lady has declared, and certainly she knows, that five thousand men will scour the whole Country, and march into Quebec. This she had from Peter the fisherman, who lives on the borders of Bulls dominions, and may be considered as knowing more about the matter than any one of your Honor's family. This Peter is an un- common wag, it was but lately, when " he girt his Fish- ers coat about him," that he perceived it was turned in~ side out and perceiving the joke pleased your Ladv, he has worn it so ever since the surname " fisherman" has been appended to his name, on account of the^sA- ing disposition he has shewn after an office, and if war is declared, we can do no less than make him con- tractor. Besides we have the testimony of the Thun- der and lightning-man, called by Tom Boston, the southern glow-worm he has declared Bull and all his race to be a set of cowardly caitiffs, and that one of your free-born soldiers will drive a thousand of his slaves. Yea, he went so far as to declare that " if he had the command of the red Artillery of Heaven, he would drive that fast anchored Isle from its moorings." But think once your Honor, what such a man would do if made General ; even these words once fairly set in a proclamation, as we put the words " Genuine Re- publicans," at the head of our Election Bills, my word for it, Bull would faint with fear, before he had half finished the reading. Uncle Sam rejoined ; I know that the steward, Thorn* as, and my Wife have had great faith in this wordy 25 armour, they have learnt this from Nap ; but I'll tell you Sangrado, betwixt you and me, I have no great faith in such nostrums. True, I have given up the management to her and the Chief Steward, and what- ever plan they devise I am in duty bound to execute. But I must insist that I know John Bull better than all of you ; I know he is a villainous tyrannical dog ; but I know also, that he is no coward, ami that when once we get him into a corner and have raised his anger as I have seen it, we shall want something besides the nine parts of Speech to fight him with. You might then show him a string of adverbs as long as my garters, printed in letters, as large as mill-posts, you could not start him to wink his eye. You tell about Peter the Fisherman, give me no Peter but salt-petre, to fight Bull with, and that well made into double cannon powder. And then there's your Thunder and lightning man all wind, all stuff. I tell you, John Bull, once in a rage as I've seen him, would snuff up an army of such fellows at one pump of his nose, and not known that any think had happened. Besides, my honest Squire, I'll tell you, if 1 am to fight, be it known, that Uncle Sam will never have the reputation of going to war with a coward, he will never put on his armor to pursue a dastard fugi- tive enemy, and for this plain reason, I am no coward myself. Now tell my Lady and the Chief Steward from me, if war with Bull is determined on, to put the family in readiness, my boys have pluck, they have the matter in them, but then, they are to be taken from the plough and the shop, they have not used their arms for thirty years, a little practice will make them fine fellows ; but then give me enough of them, dont send pie into Canada with ve thpu^ajid or ts 6 don*t coop me up like a mouse in a bee-hive with te* thousand angry devils buzzing about my ears, block- ing up the hole I went in at and stinging me into tor- ments, give me enough to see fair play, and Uncle Sam will give the world a good account of himself Uncle Sam is no coward ; no, Bunker-hill knows that. Aye, and there's another thing, see that the big guns are in readiness, all cleaned and fit for service. Let my old military suit be brushed up> and cuch articles as are wanting in any part of my armor, lot them be supplied; don't send me off in quest of adventures like Don-Quix- ote with a paste-board vizor, give me my old Beaver, it has weathered the storms of forty years, it's the best hat now in Christendom. See that we have plenty of provisions and cash for the expedition ; I have been through one war, and have smarted enough for the want of these things. Take time more slowly and surely, war is not the work of a day j dont let us like the brainsick Knight of La Mancha, get three days' journey from home before we know whether we want either meat or drink. Uncle Sam lives by eating and drinking. Softly your worship, said Sangrado, for I suspect Tom Boston, is lurking about us, he is a troublesome guest, whenever he meets one, he is always boring away about French influence and such nonsense; But. to the purpose. I intreat your honor, to put yourelf to no further trouble about the preparation for the war, and to indulge no fear for the issue of the contest. For to tell you the plain truth, war has been for some tim determined on, and our friend Nap has promised to give Bull full employment on the other side of the water, !?o that he will be able to spare very few of his men to 27 annoy us , We must keep in with this Nap, for after we once get Bull on his back, we may want his assist- ance to put Tom Boston down. For in fact as the ehief steward and your Honor's Lady says, there can be no peace so long as Bull is permitted to exercise his intolerable tyranny on the big waters, the great high- way of nations, and as for this insolent Tom Boston there is no end to his impudence. Let the decclaration once come out and we'll soon put to silence all his noise about French influence and French Spoliations. Hold hold said L T ncle Sam, I'll have no quarrelling in my family. I know Tom is a self sufficient fellow, but he knows his place, lie rcted his part well formerly, he'll not interrupt our business ; let there be no quarrel- ing in the family I sav, for if war is once on, we shall need all our strength ; besides John Bull is too strong for us on the water, and we must depend entirely on Tom Boston to handle him there. Aye I know Tom, he understands handling an oar and pointing a gun, only give him the same weight of metal that Bull carries and he'll send all his ships to the Devil. 1 say let us have peace in the family. Tom is a little waspish just now he has been deprived for some time past of his accustomed trade at sea, be a little softly, he complains of Nap, and not without some reason, for that Corsicau puppy has used us but scurvlly to tell the truth he has taken and burnt our ships, imprisoned our Sailors^ and sequestered the property of our Merchants, and we have not made half the noise about the whole, that we did about Bull's attack on the Chesapeake. But once more to the purpose, how are our harbors to be defended ? I wish now we had those ships which flat Philosophic Steward of mine, sold to raise mon- 28 fry to buy popularity with, I'd rather have one geod heavy frigate than all the jack-o-lantern popularity in the world to go to war with ; good strong heavy can- non thunder, Sangrado, that's the hest thing to meet John Bull with, none of your paltry gun Boats, for har- bor defence, the breath of a Seventy-four will blow them all to the devil. Ah, we've philosophized too much, and what does it all amount to ? Philosophy never warmed a cold limb, or filled a gaunt belly. I like something more practical ; the best way to reason with an unreasonable being, is to meet him with s\vord in one hand and a club in the other, so that if you cannot run him through, you may knock him down* Well, Sangrado, give my love to my Lady, tell her not to be too intimate with Jacques I shall keep a sharp look out for them Tell them I'll be ready Tell them I'm wide awake, Uncle Sam will never be caught napping Bring me a glass of Whiskey boy. When common sense points her finger, fools run the wrong way. A plague on all cpwards ! Bring me a glass of Whiske> ! CHAPTER IV. HOUSEHOLD AFFAIRS SITUATION OF THE STRO\^ li OX- SINGULAR EXPEDIENT TO REPLENISH IT CONFERENCE BETWEEN THE CHIEF STEWARD AND UNCLE SAM's WIFE ARGUMENT BETWEEN MADAM SAM AND TOM BOSTON. SANGRADO whose office and duty it was to feel of the pulse of Uncle Sam, and cany messages and cards, immediately repaired to the mansion house, and deliv- ered the result of his embassy, where he foun;l the Chief Steward in close conference with Uncle Sam's Lady, in the great drawing room. Madam appeared to be a little out of humor at the hearing some part of Uncle Sanrs remarks, and the subject of conversation when the Squire entered being chiefly domestic, her Ladyship remarked that the great dining table which, originally consisted of thirteen logs, was o-it of order, notwithstanding it had been repaired at different times, it did not stand : on the floor. That even now when the servants were bringing on and carrying off dishes, an acci ' would frequently give it such a tilt, as to shake off th- dishes and spill the gravy on the guests. And allho- five additional legs had been added to it. rt t-iiTerenl times, the vicious propensity of the lhin<*, still continu- ed. They had discovered indeed, diirirg the steward- ship of George, that a large foreign Dog, of the Gear- van breed, had got under the table, and gave it such a tilt as nearly to upset it, and broke many of the dishes. But this was not the cause of its frequent jostling, for the dog had been taken into the kitchen and fed and 4 30 had grown to such a size that, he could not in his pre- sent state, contract his limbs so as to get under the table without much trouble. The Chief Steward was for hav- ing it altered, in toto, and instead of eighteen legs, have but one. Or bring it to a kind of tripod in imitation of John Bulls dining table. Her Ladyship objected strongly to this, for she said she knew her husbands disposition So well that she was sure he would knock out the brains of any Cabinet Maker who should attempt such an alteration. Jacques replied that in his opinion the amendment was practicable? for let Uncle Sam only be Sent off into the army it could be done in a trice while lie was absent, and that if once done he was sure he would be pleased with it. But Madam declared that she knew his humor so well, that he would never eat off of it again, that Uncle Sam had always imputed the fault to the inequalities in the Jloor, and that he would never submit to any alteration in the Table, for she had fre- quently heard him boast of the number of its supporters, and complain bitterly of the unequal surface of the foundation on which it rested. But upon the entrance of the squire this desultory conversation, yielded to matters of higher moment. War with Bull had been determined on, and the mind of Uncle Sam had been wrought up in some measure to the occasion. Sangrado, to be sure put the best face on that part of the message which related to the pulse of his master, because he knew very well what suited Jac- ques, and her Ladyship. The subject of the Strong box came now under con- sideration. The Large Genevan Cur, above mentioned had been trained and employed to watch it. And so extremely docile was ho, during the period of his puppy- 31 hood, that his masters taught him to bark ence a year in token of his fidelity and success in guarding the Strong box. And some went so far as even to affirm that the Cur gave as many distinct yelps, as there were dollars in the Strong box. It was found on examination that more Cash would be wanted than could be gathered in the ordinary way. It was settled between the Chief Stew- ard and Madam, that Uncle Sam should have a large- bundle of Notts struck off at interest which he should sign at his leisure. These should bear interest, and should be considered in all respects, as shadowing forth so much real Cash, as they imputed by their denomina- tion respectively; and should as usual promise to pay, at some given future period. This they both agreed, would meet all the purposes of so much real treasure. But for form's sake, it was judged best to have the matter debated before the whole family. The matter being laid before the household her Ladyship introduced the subject, and stated the advantages of the scheme. She expatiated at length, on the facility with which this kind of money could be carried and transported. She main- tained that being compressible into a small body, it vus less liable than any other money to the depredation of thieves and free booters. That Gold and Silver were ponderous, and no man could carry any quantity abou' him without creating suspicion, holding out a temptation to the crafty, designing and knavish. That a man mi^in carry any given quantity of these notes about him. walk as tight as a puppet and appear as tho' he was not worth a stiver. That no one could possibly object to receive the paper, Uncle Sam's responsibility being so well known ; consequently any tender iav/ would he to- tally unnecessary, for like weU-brevrd ale. it v.oujd ?-*/;> 32 itself into circulation and credit. And this species of Currency, added her Ladyship, accords well with the genius of the family government ; as these notes may be very pertinently termed the representatives of specie, so our government is often called representative. A general nod of assent, was expressed by (he Coddles who sat mound the room .it the conclusion of this harrangue of her Ladyship, but Tom Boston, who happened to be present, r.rul -vss in tho habit pf being heard on such occasions, was observed to look rather sour, while ? lad- am was delivering her speech, and, when her Ladyship "had finished, rose and made a. fe\v observations in reply. ' I imagine, said he that this mode of supplying the Strong box, will not be found, on experiment, to have all the advantages, which this plausible theory seems to promise; nay this mode of creating money, if not pro- perly managed, may produce great inconvenience, and mischief. It will be received for a while, perhaps, with- out much difficulty ; but it is idle to think of giving it a permanent currency to any considerable amount, upon the mere general reputation of Uncle Sam's responsi- bility. For altho' this kind of paper has frequently been made to answer the most ordinary and important pur- poses of Coin, it never can establish itself permanently without having the precious Metals to back it, and for the basis on which it rests. It is not sufficient that a man is worth the full amount, or double, or treble for which he gives his paper. For all property excepting the precious metals, is subject to change, and liable from a thousand causes beyond the control of the most dis- cerning, to lessen, or depreciate. Neither is it sufficient that a man is able to take up his paper, and give a solid consideration, but the fund which institutes Ins means, must be so managed as to afford a facility of meeting his engagements, at all times, and that without any loss to those who hold his paper : and it is further quite ma- terial, that his fund, as well as the Stamina, on which depends its occasional repletion, should be so conducted and secured as to place both as much as possible beyond the reach of contingency. Now if Uncle Sam issues these notes, some portion of the revenue, which is least liable to be ailected by any changes that can happen, must be pledged for their payment or redemption. If, as I hoar it whispered, we are about to have a contest with Bull, his superiority on the great waters will enable him to sweep our Commerce from the Ocean. There- fore to base your Notes on the revenue to be derived from commerce, would be the height of presumption. You must resort to taxes, Uncle Sam must place his independent farmers between his notes, and that de- >truction which would otherwise be inevitable. Pursue a different course, and you will shortly see your notes advertised with the prices current annexed, like oilier vendible property; the substantiated metals will be the standard, by which the relative value will be rated, and the fate of the continental money of the revolution, will be the fate of this. It will be in the end like the manna that fell in the wilderness, " He that gathered much had mthiug over, and he that gathered little had enough/-' I have no expectation, however, that any thing thut I Lave said or can say, will be regarded, this is not the place where important measures are projected, or de- cided on, in any other way than by mere form, what 1 have said is the result of my feelings and the motive \vhich prompted me, a sense of duty." 4* 34 At the close of these remarks, her Ladyship took a huge pinch of Rappee, rung for a servant and asked if dinner was ready ? being answered in the affirmative, the conference broke up, hut it was evident that her Highness did not relish the sentiments of Torn, much less the boldness with which they were expressed. Some of the servants wondered at the impudence of the fel- low, and one in particular was heard to sa\ . in a low voice that he ought to be civilly kicked out of the din- ing-room. The cloth being removed the Chief Steward requested a closet interview with her Ladyship on business of im- portance. Jacques stated that Uncle Sara must be managed in this business with proper address, that he had been listening behind the door and heard the inso- lent language of Tom Boston. Now said he with the regard to the substantial means Tom is right ; the course he has pointed out must be the one, we must finally pur- sue; but the present is not the time. Events must be ripened for the crisis. Thomas the wise, has said much a-rainst taxes, and Uncle Sam has been wonderfully O ' xed with the doctrine. You know, my Dear, we put old John Braintree out of office by decrying his lax and navv ?vsten.s. We must be a little softly about this, v.e musi use policy. Let the contest be brought on immedi- ate! v. This will set the family in agitation, then we can gag this Yankee scoundrel, and keep him from filling the ear of your Iclovcd Spouse with his hypochondriac stuiT, and it' he will not assist, at least make him passive- ly-neutral. The same reason should apply v.ilh regard U> -the forces to carry on the contest. You know how much v.e all cried out against John for raising an army without any occasion. There \vi;s no war; we told 85 Uncle Sam, that John had some evil design against his possessions : the ol Gentleman's c holer was inflamed ; we raised the Devil about John's ears, he was glad to get out of the way, and by the same means we drove Uncle Sam's former wife out of the house and then post- ed her as the saying is as " Eloped from bed and Board." Whether these means were right or wrong, we were obliged to have recourse to them, at the time, in order to get possession of the places we now enjoy. We must go to war in some measure unprepared. We are placed in this sorry predicament, but we must work our way out of it, in the best manner we can. Bring on the contest, and then, we can enlist men, and it is not such a very great number that we shall want. I should be dad, indeed, if we were well out of this cursed scrape, but I don't see how. we have said so much against Bull, and battered him so much with our tongues, in order to inflame your Husband against that cursed rogue Tom Boston, that we can't very easily back out. We have borne so many kicks from Nap that he completely despises us, however this we can bear with, and Bull has grown so intolerably insolent, that he cares no more for a proclamation than he does for a paper rag. And there's that Devlish Tom Boston would rib roast us eternally if we should give back now. A bad a bad scrape, I wish we were well through it. But above all, AVC have been blowing the coals under Uncle Sam, until we have bet him " hissing hot." We have been healing him for these tt-n yeais. if we should flinch now we shoul i l>e [Ml out of our places faster than we ever c; me into them. An unlucky scrape, I wish we were out of it. Madam beard the Chief Steward with a great variety of emotions ; whenever he came to a pause, she gulped the hot wind from her stomach like a steam engine, and when he had finished his remarks, she replied. I have had the same opinion with regard to most things j the humor of Uncle Sam must, as you say, be studied and managed. But we must not carry the joke too far 5 we have in many instances put his faith to a severe trial. When you declared the Berlin and Milan decrees revoked, the old gentleman had to muster all his credulity to swallow the declaration. Nap dealt us rather a hard measure, when he required of us to make the world believe what he could make nobody believe, that he believed himself. However, we have but one course to pursue, the more the thing is denied, so much the more strongly we must assert it to be true. This was the plan Thomas pursued, and always succeeded. Another thing has been rather hard for Uncle Sain to swallow, the John Henry business. A pretty round sum, to pay for nothing. A scurvy fellow, tlir.t Henry, nothing but a take in ; we must lock out for suc-h char- acters. A mere political sv.-indltT. -Aye and what pro- vokes me still more, the cursed Yankees laugh in ihe sleeve, and even throw it in our teeth, and when the scurvy fellows are reprimanded for their insolence, thev turn up their faces and reply, You taught us to be saucy when you repealed the Sedition Law. It is furthermore not a little unfortunate for us that Thomas the wise before he left the Stewardship toasted that he had so much money, we shall find little enough before we get through this scrape. This was the weak aide of this great man, he loved popularity to dislrutf- 37 lion, and nothing suits these large Landholders so much as to be accounted rich. But it is ever the part of a prudent husband to be modest in speaking of his wealthj that he may not provoke the cupidity of the design^ ing. CHAPTER A . AM UNACCOUNTABLE BUSTLE ABOUT THE GREAT WIGWAM WONDERFUL APPEARANCES APPOINTMENT OF BA- SHAWS AND PACHAS COUNT SCRATCH-tT-OFp's EXPEDI- TION SANGRADO READS THE DECLARATION OF WAR TO UNCLE SAM. Now war, with all its horrors began to stalk before the rarified imaginations of the knowing ones as they collected spontaneously about the great Wigwam, when the starred and striped ensign waved in party-colored splendor : and Chiefs of high renown came forward with their pretensions to some distinguished post of honor in the service of Uncle Sam, each to receive the rich re- ward of those faithful and glorious service?, not which he had rendered ; but which he was read}-, under oath, to promise for value received, that he would render sixty or ninety days after date, to that Country which had been the cradle of his birth, the nurse of his infancy x and was about to be the witness of his deeds of fame ; to that beloved parent Uncle Sam, who had so often dandled him on his knee and filled his dish with hom- miny in his boyish days, watched with paternal vigilance over the sinuous wanderings of his riper years, and be- stowed on him the rich inheritance of freedom ! It was indeed a most sublime and affecting spectacle ! enough to melt a firkin of Boston butter, in the midst of June, (for it was about this time,) at sight of such hallowed patriotism. It was a sight, which a philosopher might contemplate with petrified ama^enjeut, which Old Homer might gaze at with poetic rapture, and which Bunyai! himself might view with Hudibrastic fidgets. Here you might see the aged Hero who had led up the dance at twenty annual elections, offering to prove his claims to preferment, and boasting with what fear- less constancy he had set the Electioneering battle in array There you might behold the pert sleek-booted Jockey, declaring he could buy horses for the service of his liege Uncle better than any other man living. Also the swag-bellied Butcher, importuniiig for the of- fice of Contractor. But what much surprised all, was the disinterested patriotism of some Newgate Emanci- pees, and Tipperary lads vociferating loudly for the un- spake-ablc honor of having an opportunity of laying down their precious lives for their dear native America. And what was still more remarkable, those who from beyond seas, had lied from justice, and had been sold for their passage, were seen to offer the compound obla- tion of the*:' lives, fortunes and sacred honor. Still as you looked and wondered, the multitude increased and as they multiplied, the heat of their valor was augment- ed an hundred fold. Direful on that day was tl.e meas- ure of wordy vengeance dealt out to John Bull. His horns were to be knocked oil*, not a hair was to be left standing on his callous hide, and then horrible to tell .' he was to be flayed alive and to be divested of the pos- terior dignity of a tail and to be driven, in this piteous costume, around the wigwam, as a trophy of patriotic vengeance, to frighten wicked children and for the amusement of the Ladies. Nor were the calamities of the evil-star'd Bull to stop here. His dominions on this side the water were to be taken and sold to pay the ex-- gense of '' tanning his hide," as it was called. His 40 snowiields his Beaver and skunk-establishments and his Grind-stone founderies were to be knocked down by the hammer. So great, and greatly confused was the noise, that old Potomac, altho' then bringing in a full tide with a strong -wind, or tie red it to halt, and perform quarantine before the wigwam, for half an hour. And the terrified genius of Goose Creek, shot up her goosy neck, a cables length, from the mud, to listen to the horrific concert of so many Babylonian throats. And it is said that the wind for Some tune w; s so variable, from the alternate vibration of noise, and the rebounding of its sister echo, (hat she knew not for some time, which way to lay her leathers. But those who stood at a suitable distance could plain- ly perceive that ihe noise au< r a while gradually wore away and sul. sided, the crowd scattered and dispersed, and through a spy glass, innumerable empty Gin Kegs and Whiskey Barrels were seen piled up before the wigwam. But such observers as were on the ground declared, that although the crowd disappeared, they could perceive no abatement of the noise while they remained on it. This circumstance has been philosophically if not sat- isfactorily accounted for by my learned Uncle Za chary, who says th;;t by the unceasing action of sound the drum and co-rnfan of the ear, were so worn away by constant attrition, that as the noise subsided, the ear grew thin and more sensible to the action of sound. And he moreover declares, upon the honor of a feather- pedler, that walking over the ground the next day, he actually picked up fifty pairs of cms. which had either been thrown away as useless- or stormed off by the din. 41 'In addition to this many dead fish were seen lying on their beams end on the Potomac, and floating down the stream killed no doubt by the heavy peals of aerial pat- riotism which flew up to the skies, and striking against the elastic shell of the blue expanse, rebounded and fell with terrible force upon the water. The frogs in Goose Creek, lost their senses, and for some days, croaked without measure, or occasion. Thus far with a faithful record of facts ; it becomes us now as faithful historians to notice some strange events, which although not without precedent in the records of other nations were considered as the harbingers of some awful calamity. We mention them upon the mere strength of hear-say, and do not vouch for their authenticity. U was reported that the Cocks in the farm-yards crowded at sunset, that the feline race, the cats, were affected with a strange frisking sensation, and ran up apple-trees stern foremost, and that that boorish animal the hog would point his bowsprit with a gunners precision, at the full moon, in uno obtutu for half an hour, serenading her full orbed Majesty of the evening, as she made her debut from the chambers of the East, in plaintive and piggish strains. But as a certain learn- ed brother historian hath said, " We return from this digression to resume the thread of our history." It soon appeared that the bustle about the great Wig- wam was something of greater import than a " fitful farce," for on the third day after, there appeared issuintr from that renowned hive of political and military wis- dom, a host of worthies, commissioned, epauletted, boot- ed, whiskered and perfumed, for the mighty contest. And now, O for all the mouths of Hydra to recount the hands of Briareus the quills of half the geese in 5 42 Christendom and the expedition of a hand-bill scribe to record their names ; and above all, for the imagina- tion of Homer, to paint their various virtues and claims to endless renown. There first we beheld, as chief Bashaw, captain Pacha, and field-marshal, the great Dearbrosky, close on his spurs, followed Counts Smoke- us-off, Bloom-hoff, Scratch-us-off, Tan-us-off, Admiral Smyte-us-off, Wind-off, JMaccoby, Lewskoy, and a nu- merous retinue of attending offs, and hoffs, and scoffs, and ruffs, and scuffs ; and boys, and scoys, even whose hard names time and lungs would fail me to pronounce, eren had I the brazen throat of Stentor. Meanwhile there was such a fever for conquest ex- cited by so much patriotic puffing and blowing, that the Chief Steward and Madam determined to make one bold push, and accordingly they dispatched Field-marshal Count Scratch-us-off, with a body of about tv.o thousand men, a long way through the wilderness, to seize the possessions of Bull, at a place called Sandwich. This was called " taking the Bull by the tail," before he could have any hint of what was passing. He was directed 10 make a most powerful and flaming proclamation, and ex more, according to custom, to do as much wordy ex- ecution as possible. This part of his commission, the valiant warrior did not fail to fulfil, for being brought up and instructed by Uncle Sam's present wife, nay, being born of her, he inherited, in exuberant profusion all the windy excellencies of his accomplished mother. He therefore without taking overmuch thought for futurity. advanced by forced marches, to reach the object of his destination, the certain goal of his fame. The Chief Steward promised to supply all his wants Madam as- stared he would have Uttie te do but to show himself. 43' and his enemies would fly before him, like the timorous. sheep from the redoubtable prowess of the celebrated Don Quixote. A few days provisions were enough. Cannon were unnecessary, since their oflice could be so ably supplied by the tremendous roar of a proclama- tion. The Field marshal advanced, crossed the Rubicoi:, and published his proclamation in the following words : People of Snow fields ! After thirty years' peace, Uncle Sam has been driven to take the Bull by the horns. He swears vengeance for the wrongs and insults he has received The troops under my command are sufficient to execute that ven- geance ; and what I have are no more than a whortle- berry compared with what are to follow. I co;ne to find Bullites, not to make them, I come to nurse, not to flog you. The wide ocean is between you and your cruel master, you have felt the switching of his tail and the buttings of his horns ; yet I do not ask you to cut off the one nor blunt the other. Uncle Sam is able to provide for all your wants. I offer you the in- valuable privilege of '' managing your own affairs, in your own way." I offer you the same liberty that Un- cle Sam, and all his family enjoy. Many of your fathers fought your inhuman master in defence of the inheri- tance of Uncle Sam, so that we ought to be viewed bv you, as friends and not as enemies. I want none of your help ; keep at home. If you offer your service, I \vi;: accept it. Woe be to you if you take arms against me. But let me warn you against one thing. Do not arm these cursed savage Wampums against us, blood and vengeance betide ye if ye do. This war will then. change, from a war of conquest, to a war of itprcotificu?- Hen, No Bullite, found fighting by the side of a n um will be taken prisoner. If reason will not inspire you with a sense of justice I'll flog it into you. Uncle Sam offers you Liberty and peace, and as much happi- ness as you can stagger under. You are left to your own free will to choose safety or perdition, freedom or fetters, do as you please then, but do as I bid you. We are now obliged by the most unwelcome necessity, of leaving for a while this heroic adventurer, and to turn our attention to Uncie Sam. Sangrado, as his duty wr.s, had been dispatched to him to make known to him the declaration of war, or in other words to furnish him with a fist full of reasons, and teach his lips the u'hy and the wherefore, he ought to make himself very angry with John Bull. The Squire found his patron, wide awake, and fully prepared to listen, for he had heard the uproar and noise from the Wigwam, and guessed the time was big v.'ilh some weighty event. Sangrado approached him svi'ui an air of the most profound wisdom, and almost breathless said. Sir, your honor, Your Honor's Lady, and the Chief Steward send their best love to you ; Let the love be, said Uncle Sam. I don*t want to hear it, for these kissing messages I find are nothing more nor less than a preface to some fresh claim on my patience. A. declaration of war I suppose they send, continued my Uncle- Nothing less replied the Squire, and by your Honor's permission I will read it. Begin said Uncle Sam and read slowly. " The experience of many years of the injustice cru- elty and intolerable tyranny of John Bull, moreover his treachery, and his meanness, and his perfidy, outraging every right, civil, moral, natural, social and religious, j is regarding every principle of honor, impartiality, jus- 45 tice and humanity, exemplified in so many acts of out- rage violence and oppression for so many years, in dt-spite of all the remonstrances, warnings, expostula- tions and intreaties shewing the justice, the fairness, the equity the impartiality the reasonableness of our claims :? Hold, hold, Sangrado, said my Uncle, pass over that string and come to the point, I can never remember all thiit, any more than the Knight of La Mancha, could koep count of the three hundred sheep as they were ferried over the stream singly now I tell thee honest friend, all I wish to know is, the bone of contention the matters and things of which we accuse Bull, simply and smgly, clearly and distinctly, each in its proper or- der like the counts of an indictment, that we may know exactly what we have got to do ; mean time, I will take a memorandum of the charges with my pencil. Sangrado. Very well, Your Honor (reads.) 1. He has blockaded the coast of Europe from Brest to the Elbe, by a proclamation which is contrary to the law of nations. May, 1806. 2. He issued his orders in counsel, declaring it un- lawful for neutrals to trade from one port to another of France or her allies. January 6, 1807. 3. He furthermore issued his orders in counsel the llth November following, by which all trade was pro- hibited between neutral nations, and between France and her allies. 4. He impresses our seamen from our merchant ships. 5. He has stirred up the Wampum savages to Butcher the innocent inhabitants on our frontiers. 6. He sent the infamous John Henry to bribe Tom Boston and breed disturbance in the family. 5* CHAPTER VI. INTERVIEW BETWEEN UNCLE SAM AND HIS SQUIRE, CONTIN- UED FRESH PROOFS OF THE INSOLENCE OF TOM BOS- TON SOME ACCOUNT OF COUNT SCRATCH-OFF's EXPE- DITION SECOND ATTEMPT ON THE SNOWFIELDS UN- DER THE AUSPICES OF ADMIRAL TOM-US-OFF. WELL Sangrado, said Uncle Sam, is that all ? That is the substance replied the Squire. Now then inform me exactly, and with the precision of a Lawyer, how much is to be required of our Adversary, on each par- ticular charge, or matter of complaint against him r that we may know when we have got through, Sangra- do, that we may not go to work " blind fold," as they say. Declare off, clearly and clerkly, succinctly and dis- tinctly and I will meantime note down the matter in my red pocket book. San. 1. He must acknowledge that his Blockade was i-llegal. (Very well, down go on.) San. 2 and 3. He must be made to acknowledge that his orders in counsel were a violation of neutral rights he must rescind them, and make reparation to our Merchants for the property taken from them, and give us assurances that they shall not be renewed. (Very 'C ell score two ! p-oceed.) 4. He must restore our seamen taken from us, pay rhem their wages, and renounce totally arid forever his elaim of taking them. (Down go on.) 5. He must disavow having had any agency in excit- ing the Wampums to acts of hostility against our fror- fier settlements. Wlvti next ? 47 6. Lastly, he must also disavow, likewise, any in sending John Hi ry lo this Country, to create riis- turbancfs n your fj-mily. Down But pray SafigradOj continued Uncle S:;m, did ny Wife or Jacques n. : w this Declaration. She did it, though, I suppose, I think I know her style : Did she not conij I ^ii'i-l m her stomach 1 ? I know she has been tro -'.\ such a complaint for some years, and I am afraid it will kill her yet. Before the Squire had time to reply to these enquires the conference was interrupted by a sudden noise, which was nothing less than the insolent Torn Boston, who this instant made his debut from behind a clump of bushes, where the rascal had been evedrop- ping and heard the whole that had passed. Uncle Sam's anger was enkindled, he called him an unmanner- ly rogue, and Sangrado lifted up his bludgeon to chastise his boorishness, and would certainly have done it, had ke not accidentally discovered, in one corner of Tom's eye. something, I know not what, that looked like the most desperate and fearless determination : The inso- lent Yankee began. " So it seems we have not had suffering and privation enough yet, we must be put un- der the harrow again. We have jumped, as the saying is, { out of the frying pan into the fire.' But tell me Sangrado, how many pages are there in that paper the declaration of war, I suppose you call it, which you ha*e just put in your pocket." San. Fifteen. " Is any thing said about Nap and the injuries he has done us ? O yes, here it is (reads.) <' The Committee do not hesitate to declare that " France has greatly injured the United States, and " that satisfactory reparation has riot been made for c many of those injuries. But that is a concern which 48 ^ the United States will look to and settle themselves. '' The high character of the American people, is a suf- ft ficient pledge to the \vorld that they \ v ill not fail to " settle it on conditions which they have a right ta tt claim/' Is that all, said Boston ? all, replied the Squire. Well, continued the speaker, a short horse is soon curried. And pray let me ask, is not a loss of property as distressing to a man when taken by B, as when it is occasioned by A ? and is freedom less dear, or slavery more tolerable, in the dungeons of Nap, than in the ships of Bull ? Have you counted the cost of this contest ? are your seaports and harbors in a state of security and prepared for an attack ? Have you an ar- my raised sufficient to carry your threats into execu- tion and obtain the redress you claim ? Had you re- sisted the encroachments of Nap on your trade at first, as you ought, these Blockades and orders would never have existed. Bull in reclaiming deserters to whom you have too often given shelter, and too frequently enticed from their duty, has some times taken your men. In doing this, he claims no other right than eve- ry other independent nation has ever recognized and practised on. That in the exercise of this right abuse- es have frequently happened 1 do not deny. It is, and ever has been a grievance since our first organization as a political family. But to make war, to oblige your enemy to renounce this claim, is the height of folly and stupidity. Few indeed are the cases in which a natural born subject can absolve his allegiance. The case in question is not one. Even the right of expatriation of which we hear so much, in its most plausible features,- grows out of the refinement of civil society, and docs not exist in the individual as an abstract and independ* 49 nt privilege. For instance, a subject of one of tiie German States emigrates to this country ; his prince reclaims him ; we resist the claim, because the emi- grant has become a member of our society, and because the yielding him would interfere with our municipal regu- lations ; but not because we have any natural right to his services or because we are under any abstarct obli- gation to receive and protect all that fly to our shores. The individual was invested primarily, with no power to make a contract with us, or ice with him. Hence a very important distinction becomes evident. We ought to protect all emigrants who settle among us permanently? but the privilege of birthright can never be conferred but by the mutual consent of the sovereigns, inasmuch as to one belongs the privilege to release, to the other, to receive. Therefore our local jurisdiction on land is total and exclusive ; but on the water, only partial and relative. The one embraces the entire interests of a single community ; the other, the rights of a variety of communities to which all nations are parties. The first territory we possess in fee simple, while in the other we are but tenants in common. In the first case the integrity of our local and municipal jurisdiction protects the emigrant, in the latter, we are not invested with that jurisdiction ; of course, birth or the mutual conset of the parties interested, is requisite to consecrate and insure protection. With regard to the charge of his having armed the savages against us, he has already disavowed having any concern in it. It is brought forward merely to increase the size of the budget- But the charge of his heaving sent a spy among us, to sotf the seeds of disaffection, is the most ridiculous of all, and I am 'confident it is only brought forward at this 5 time to rouse your passions, my Leige Uncle, against your Adversary, and to excite your prejudice against me and my family, and perhaps also to cover the dis- grace of being swindled out of 50,000 Dollars. I have only to add as a last and I fear unavailing duty that unless }'ou refrain from listening to the sug- gestions of this profligate and abandoned woman, you are undone. Jacques and she put their heads together and resolve what tales to tell you, and you believe every thing, not because one syllable is true, but because you are told to believe it ; you believe not from probability, but by the square foot, yard or acre, whatever is offered you. Now mind what I tell you, Bull will never yield his principles of Blockade or orders, until you have properly resisted Nap's decrees which were the cause of them. He will never give up the right of search, un- til you have sunk his last ship, and the last square foot of his Island. Again, were you the maritime power, and John Bull the complainant, you would never give up this right, it is the right of every independent nation. You would not dare give it up. And if the exercise of it is less useful to us than to h:m, this difference results merely from the different circumstances in which the two nations are placed. You say that the principles of your government, make it your duty to offer an asylum to the oppressed of all nations. Whence did you derive the authority to constitute a code of principles of par- amount authority to the principles of national law and the rights of other nations ? It is a maxim in law " that you shall so use your own property as not to injure that of your Neighbor." You may go Jo war five, ten, 01* twenty years, my word for it, you will leave off where 51 you begin, or worse in point of attaining any of the ob- jects you contend for. As might be expected this phillippic of the impudent Yankee was not at all relished by either of the high- minded auditors. Uncle Sam with a careless, indiffer- ent and self sufficient air, turned and walked away, while the Squire, who had been ready to burst with rage, tendered him the homage of his profound contempt. We must now pay a visit to the valiant Field marshal Count Scratch-off. We left him in the dominions of John Bull, amusing himself with his proclamation, and halting his army at Sandwich, recruiting them by oc- casional excursions in the owl-pastures adjoining. On hearing the news of this invasion, Uncle Sam's wife be- gan to set her cap for the government of a new territory, and her gallants were heard to make large swaggering bets that Count Scratch-off would be in Quebec within three weeks, and it is even said that several applications were made for the office of Governor of Canada. Ad- venturers were flocking from all quarters, in eager ex- pectation of having a good slice out of the rounds of the Bull, and although there were not many who coveted the job of knocking the Bull down, yet multitudes were ready to assist in skinning and cutting him up for mar- ket. Among the most renowned and valiant of those who offer their knives, horses, and sacred honor, OH this interesting occasion, was Admiral Tom-us-off, Chief Steward of Stoffles Land, sometimes called the pretty Knight of the fiddle, from his assiduity and attention to the Ladies ; after this however, he acquired the name of Swagger master General to Uncle Sam, from the great zeal he displayed in driving out his tenants to protect 52 the frontier, while he kept his own sleek, sweet scented self out of the reach of danger. Mean time, our valiant adventurer having settled himself at Sandwich, seemed to be content with the proclamation he had issued, by which he evinced an evident partiality to the ink-shedding instead of the blood-shedding system. Here he remained about a month, when finding the Stupid inhabitants of the Snowfields, so dilatory about accepting the blessings of Liberty and safety, that with the most nettlesome indignation and precipitate activ- ity, he pulled up stakes and recrossed over to the terri- tories of Uncle Sam. This, or some other cause equally forcible and cogent, so roused the ire of the churlish inhabitants of these desolate regions, that they crawled out from under their snow banks, put themselves under the command of one Master Brooks, a most daring fellow, who not having the spirit of forbearance in his mind, nor the fear of gunpow- der and proclamations before his nose, followed the Field marshal over, foot to heel, and without shedding a drop of blood, took him and all his company prison- ers, being, as it appeared, determined not to part \\iih their company at any rate. Th.s happened on the 14th day of the 8th Month. The intelligence of these events reached the ears of Uncle Sam, and mild and temperate as he was, threw him into a paroxism of anger. He sometimes was half resolved to abandon the project of giving the boorish Bullites the blessings of Liberty. But the first Frost month after his Honor's wrath being a little abated, he collected another company, made up partly of the ser- vants of his own family, and partly of the sons of Stof- 50 fles Land, and most graciously attempted to phut the tree of Liberty in another place. In this measure, he was great V assisted by the Valiant KnigU count Tom- us-ofi" who sent one of his own generals to command the expedition and assist in placing the roots of the tree. The place chosen for the second attempt to innocu- late the clownish Snow field ians with blessings of Liberty, was Queenston, a pleasant town separated from the dominions of Sam, by that frith of water which is kown by name the St. Lawrence. The famous attempt was made on the 12th day of the 10th Month, and in the early part of the day promised the most complete success ; but Master Brooks suddenly made his appear- ance, accompanied by a host of his frosty Cossacs, and a multitude of the sons of Cain, who live in the forests, like wild beasts of the desert. Besetting the valiant Samuelites with great fury, he soon regained the con- quered ground, and obliged the Captain of the band to withdraw with great precipitation from the ground and recross the river. This he effected with great loss of killed, wounded and prisoners. Although John Bull claimed the victory, yet tTncle Sam gave him a most grievous scratching. He lost many of his servants, among whom was the brave Master Brook. The effect of this attempt was nothing move than to teach Bull to be a little on his guard, and L'ncle Sam that it would require more than six weeks, to instruct; such blockish beings, in the saving knowledge of Repub- lican freedom. Naturalists tell us that a goose bv proper management, may be fatted in nine days, u turkey in three weeks, and a hog in a given period; but the blessings of " Peace, Liberty and safety" could not 1?e crammed down the throat of John Bull far enough tp 6 54 make any sensible alteration in his meagre appearance, although the Ragout was prepared by the most experi- enced Cooks, and the dish garnished with proclamations, and seasoned with gunpowder. A measure of this kind appeared to require strength, time, and money. CHAPTER VII. WICKEDNESS OP TOM BOSTON - PROPOSALS FOR AN TICK - NAVAL TRANSACTIONS PHILOSOPHICAL REFLEC- TIONS OP THE HISTORIAN. WE have already had occasion to speak of the Gene- ral Covenant, by which the family of Uncle Sam was gov- erned. This instrument gave the Chief Steward authori- ty to call out the armed servants of the whole family, on certain specified emergencies : viz. In case of invasion. to subdue insurrections, and to put the laws in force. No sooner had the declaration of hostilities gone forth. when off-popped a thundering proclamation, requiring all the liege servants of the family, to vex, hurt, plague, worry, bother, and in every way, teaze, pinch, frighten and thump John Bull, to a sense of his duty, and in aid of these potent persuasives, the Chief Steward immedi- ately required of the chiefs of Clans in Tom Boston's dominions to put a certain number of the militia, or as they are humorously termed by the Lords of the An- cient dominion," the Leather-apron-in terost, under the control of the Field Marshal-general. Tom Boston in- stantly took fire on hearing this order, and resolutely forbid his Bashaws complying with it. Holding the General Covenant in one hand, and a clenched fist in the other, he exclaimed, " None of the occasions stated in the Covenant have occurred ; these men are not wanted for defence there is no invasion there is no civil commotion the Laws are not resided." The 50 . Steward replied that a power to correct an evi& involved a power to prevent, and that if none of the oases had actually happened, yet lie had taken the most certain measures to bring on an invasion, and insisted on his right to the forces required in the order, and al- most intimated that obedience would be had in some way, either by hook or by crook. But Tom, stubborn as a mule, declared that if such an attempt was made ' the flood that overwhelmed him must rise higher than J:is mountains the storm that swept him, mr.st tear him from the bottom of his rallies, and that sooner than yield, every vale should be a Thermopylae, every height, Bunker's hill." On hearing this daring insolence of the hardened Boston, the Chief Steward with infinite address shook j:is head, and nothing but the most eoiisulTimale sel Command, kept him from shaking his fist. But the har<- dened ingrate did not escape without punishment. Or- ders were immediately given for a proclamation-burden of hard names to be manufactured in the Slang mills, and the Lamp b'ack factories, to be hung in hand-bills, around the shoulders of Tom and his Coadju-^res and oppugnatores ; who had the hardy presumption to resist the powers that be, or the authority, tiiat would be. Among the Chiefs who distinguished themselves by their disobedience, were Caleb Codline, Roger Saybrook, and George Mountain. They too, partook lustily of the punishment which was meted out to Tom Boston. Tom and his associates were called, Rebels, Tories, Bullites and Factionists, besides being obliged to suffer the excruciating tortures inflicted by 10,000 profound Contempts, and to endure the inexpressible anguish of being let alone. 57 But what evinced the most obdurate and premeditated villany, was these remorseless wretches, Gallio like, cared for none of these things." Since the thread of adventures is broken, it may be well here to mention that John Bull, hearing that Nap had by a proclamation revoked his decrees, rescinded his orders in Council, and proposed a cessation of hos- tilities. This, he fancied, might lead to- an accommoda- tion, as by it one of the principal causes of contention were removed. And indeed, had Uncle Sam been left to himself, his wrath being somewhat cooled, it is believ- ed he would have accepted it. But the Chief Steward considered his honor concerned, in obtaining the whole or nothing. And the event proved the Avisdom of his calculations ; for he warred most valiantly more than two years, and then made a " Glorious peace" on the precise terms now offered, saving that he gave up tlu- privilege of catching fish in a certain place, and a small lump of territory, merely to prove the .sincerity of his disposition. O Conquest, how resistless are thy attrac- tions; Honor, tliou art something more than a "'trip; reckoning/' more than the image of <' him \\} 10 die*?. yesterday," or, in thy forbidding presence, Nature miylit be permitted to plead and reason to advocate ! New courteous and delighted reader, since you sni- {.'-.\FJBENi;Jt.S AT THE WIGWAM TRIAL OP COUNT US-OFP - EXPEDITION AND WONDERFUL ADVENTURES' OF SMYTE-US-OFF - CAUSES OF ITS FAILURE - MISFORTUNES OF OUR FRIEND NAP P.EFLECTIONS. " WHAT a piece of work is man !" says one " How noble in reason, how infinite in faculties ! ;? and he might have added, how diversified in talents ; how gi- gantic in ambition ! This learned exclamation, with the lucky addition, was forced on the author's mind by comparing the magnitude of the task he had under- taken, with the variety of talents, requisite to its faith- ful execution. When once a man by some unlucky whim of imagination, considers himself as a literary character, how blind must be his ambition, to undertake to be a historian, at the first onset ! to whisper in the ear of posterity, a knotty string of facts, leaning for aid, on that slender reed, a goose quill, and trusting perpetually to the " fitful freaks" of recollection ! Yet such, unhappily, is the case of every author, who makes truth his pilot, and instruction his object. We are now to take a fresh peep at the drawing room : the important events which we have recorded in the two preceding chapters made it necessary for the noses of the knowing ones to form a perpetual focus of wisdom. The surrender of the valiant Count Scratch- us-oflf, perplexed them not a little. They feared the anger of Uncle Sam. After a short debate, however, .7 06 ' it was considered best to charge Hie Field Marshal with being bribed by the gold of John Bull, a charge that always rested heavily on the shoulders of his butting Majesty. And this, it was thought, would the more easily go down, as the chief Steward had formerly paid fifty thousand bits of silver, to prove the destructive ef- ficacy of gold on Tom Boston ; so much expense, there- fore, having been incurred, to establish the fact that corruption was possible, for which we had never realised any thing in return, it Avas thought Uncle Sam, would be under obligation to believe this merely out of cour- tesy. It was decided that the Field Marshal should be tried, with great form and solemnity, which was accord- ingly done. The charge of bribery was not supported ; but another was resorted to, which by management was made to answer all the purposes of a substitute viz. Cowardice: and, although the Field Marshal made it appear tolerably well, that he had not all that support which he had a right to expect, and was assailed by an unexpected host of the sons of Cain, yet he was made the scape-goat, to carry the freight of the charge of mismanagement from the sensitive consciences of for- tunate office holders, and thus the business ended. The Chief Steward discovered great judgment in man- aging this affair. He employed a certain Squire Pea- cock, and gave him a round two thousand, to appear at the trial and bedaub the unfortunate Marshal with the lamp-black of his imagination, and as he was a slang- whanger by profession, he fulfilled his duty in a masierly style. Uncle Sam accepted the sacrifice, and made no further rout about it. The exploits of the navy came next under considera- tion. Here Sangrado had something to say. He de- 67 clared that as he had the publishing of every Decree^ Bull, Ukase, Proclamation, and Manifesto to the family, he had a perfect right to consider himself the only gen- uine opinion-founder and whim-vender, in the family, and that accordingly he had some years since, declared himself the " organ of the public will," and that as he had been directed by his employers to say many grievous things against a navy, and as the saying is to write it down, it would be a hard thing npw to oblige him to right it up. It would-be like forcing a child to repair its own mischief, like rubbing the nose of a pup- py in its own filth. " And although," said he, " I do not expect to get my living by my modesty, yet it is very convenient even for great knaves, to have some, respect fo\- the eharactcv of being consistent in their knavery." The honest Squire was answered by a broad laugh. Jacques thought it very extraordinary, that a man who was so well paid for his work, should talk about consis- tency, ll for so long said he as you get constant employ nt your profession, what is the use of prating about mo- desty or conscience. One might well suppose that a man, who had so roundly and so often declared, that the Berlin and Milan decrees were revoked, in contra- diction to positive and practical proof, backed by the declaration of Nap himself, might be prepared to assert any thing. As long as we are consistent in our exer- tions and devices to hold our places, and secure the emoluments, let consistency be wanting wherever else it may. Modesty ! indeed ! a wretch, who lives by tying ; lies for a living and lives to lie, to talk about modesty, or be squeemish about falling in love with what j^e has so aealously labored to make every body hate, iieirays a weakness which I should have supposed this .fellow, one of the hist to be suspected of." In short, .all agreed that as it was formerly expedient to decry a navy in order to obtain office, it was now as absolutely necessary for them to support it, in order to keep their ffices. None but fools and zealots would deny the doctrine "that the end justifies the means;" and if it was justifiable, by any means to obtain office, certainly there can be no measures, which it were not justifiable to adopt, to secure and retain it. It was thought best however, to say as little about the Jiavy as possible to keep boasting of its exploits sing out " free trade and Sailors rights" in every corner, and attribute our good fortune, whether by land or water, chiefly to the justice of our cause, and the con- summate icisdom of the counsels which directed every measure. Much was said about that modern Pharaoh, Torn Boston, who would not let the people go; but it was prudently concluded that as he had cited a former opinion of the present Chief Steward in defence of hte conduct, it was best to let the matter rest. The disas> ters in the North were bewailed, in tones between, growling and whining ; but great hopes were entertained from the expedition which was then preparing under the gallant Smyte-us-off, who, being born and bred in a \varmer climate, would not suffer from the phlegm and irresolution of the Northern Captains. To this brilliant and decisive expedition we now has- i.en with all the ardor of historic frenzy, confident the admirer of daring and romantic adventuies will find an ample reward for the trouble we shall give him in pur- suing its details. The brave Fielel Marshal had mads the science of war his study in his retirement, and so exact was he, in all his calculations, that it was said he could estimate to an half-pint, the quantity of water that would be necessary to fill the surrounding ditch of a mole-hillock, and determine within a quart, the quantity requisite to drown the groping tenants from their sub- terraneous palace, and drench their velvet jackets. From the realms of Tobacco, with an eye fired with the love of Glory, and a heart ready to burst with courage a head filled with military science to the fourth story, and a breast burning like a coalpit with patriotism, our Hero bent his course toward the theatre of action. Volunteers flocked after him from all quarters, like children after a show-man, or boys in the train of an Elephant. The abortive attempts that had been made, served only to enhance the credit of a succeeding en- terprise, and such a fund of glory, in prospcctu, was placed before the greedy ambition of adventurers, that, although Uncle Sam's paper scarcely went at par, the stock in this Glory or Laurel fund, sold readily at two hundred per cent. Julius Cesar writes of himself, (boastful fellow !) I came, 1 saw, I conquered." Our Hero, imitating and surpassing Cesar, came, and saw, and issued a tremendous proclamation. It was near the close of the saucy month of October j the frost had already nipped every vegetable but the evergreen, and chilled every drug but the cordials of Cupid, and the essences of Patf riotism. Standing on the brink of the modern Styx, at the utmost boundaries of the fields of Stoffle, the valiant Knight let off the following expectoration of windy verbosity from his breast. 7-* 70 " Men of Stoffle's Land .' In a few days I shall plant the standard of Uncle Sam, in the heart of the Snowfields. I have, with me a powerful force, almost as many as I could wish ; but, knowing, as I do, your attachment to our beloved Uncle, and your passion for adventures, I would accept of a few of you, if you offer soon, merely for sake of company, and that you may look on, and be able to teach your sons how to conquer. I shall most certainly take all the possessions of Bull from him ; I will leave him nei- iher hide nor hair, root or branch. I will not promise you there will be no fighting; but I will engage it shall not last long, for I have fixed the time when I will be at Quebec, even to a day. Perhaps you may be discour- aged by the failure of two attempts already made ; take heart my lads, the fault was not in the troops, but in those who led them. ' The Commanders were popular menj but destitute alike of theory or experience in the art of war.' Come then .' and put yourselves under my direction, for a little tune. I promise you good treat- ment, but you must expect to be subject to wholesome discipline. l Come in companies, in half companies, in pairs or single, and I will organize you for a short tour.' Come on foot, come on horseback, come in carts, come n waggons, and let some persons come with you to take jeach vehicle of conveyance back. Come, bringing provisions sufficient to serve you for four or five days, and I promise you, to give you an opportunity to eat ihem up. Come then and share in that rich harvest of glory, into which I am about to thrust the sickle. Another opportunity for so splendid an enterprize, will not offer during your lives. And how will your bosoms witU ewguisU hereafter, when you shall fold your ri arms and say, ' Canada is conquered j the laurels are all gathered, and I was not there.' " Our adventurer, as might be judged, soon collected a motley multitude around him. There you might see old fellows with rusty guns, and young fops and foplings, without any arms, only waiting for preferment, hanging round the Knight's palace, to catch if possible, a nod or a smile from his Eolian Majesty. Volunteers of all ranks and descriptions were flocking to his standard. One had a gun, another a bayonet fixed at the extremi- ty of a broom-stick ; a third a cartridge box, a fourth a knapsack, a fifth a canteen, and sixth a knotted club. Of clothing, some had coats, others shirts ; some had shoes, and others stockings- And some, to make amends for the absence of a/Z tliese precious articles, had a blanket. In the Camp all was hurry, bustle and confusion. The troops were daily exercised in all the important tactics and evolutions necessary to their approaching enter- prize. Mock skirmishes, furious onsets, marches, coun- termarches, advances and retreats. In these operations many individual disasters occurred ; here was a whiskey cart overset; there a gaming establishment routed. In one part, a party of Military Belles disturbed, in another, a drunken soldier trampled in the mud. Day after day was fixed on for the purpose of crossing the river Styx. Peter the fisherman, was engaged to act as Charon, and invested by Count Turn-skin, with all the powers requisite to constitute him Stygian Admiral, and Ferryman of souls, (for in many instances there was little use to embark,) and every wherry, that plied ou the Stygian waters, was stamped with the impri-matur of requisition. At length the expeclata dies, the wished for day arrived. The boats were ready j the common- ders were ready the land of Promise lay in full view.. Conquest invited, Glory beckoned, duty urged; Patriot- ism stimulated, the harvest was ripe ; but alas ! the Reapers, the Volunteers, had run away, the night be- fore. Will posterity treat it as a fact, or spurn it as a calumny ; that sons of Whiskey, from the farm of the immortal Broadbrim, having emptied their Canteens of all the genuine whiskey, the aqua twitch-eve, which they brought with them from home, decamped in one night not by half " companies,' 7 in " pairs" or " singles" but by hundreds, bag and baggage, officers and men, and left this vast harvest of glory to rot on the ground. Yet such is the fact; I assert it with all the long-favored gravity of an historian. Various conjectures have been started as to the true cause of this premature decompo- sition of our Knight's army. Some asserted that he put the yeast into the Beer too soon ; others that he put in too much; others that he should not have drawn the corks so soon; but away with these whim-whams, the historian will give his opinion. Every leer-woman knows that this beverage in its working state, is in. danger of throwing out the corks, or of bursting its containers whenever a thunder-gust comes over. Now Bull had roared most tremendously for several days, on the other side the Styx. Knowing the fate that was preparing for him, he put on a voice of thunder, by which means, out flew the stoppers and all the fixed air; the patriotism evaporated, escaped, and broke away. And those who came as Volunteers, went away as such, true sons of freedom, choosing their own time for action* 73 SONG, By one of the Fugitive Volunteers* WHAT'S freedom, think ye ? to resign Ourselves to others' svill ? Without the license to repine., At pain, or threat'uing ill ? <3an freedom heal a batter'd shin j Restore our broken wind ? Remove one puncture from our skiii, Or calin a frighten'd inind ? We volunteered to show our love For war, and not for fighting : Nor Patriotism itself can prove, Beyond this point, inviting. Fool-hardy wretch, that waits the blow. 'Till forc'd, at last, to yield, He offers the pursuing foe, His breeches for a shield. Far wiser he, that shuns the striie, And prudent, bends to reason j Weighs well the value of his life ? And learns to run in seasoD. The coward only, ever fears The loss of reputation ; This loss the real Hero bear^ With harden'd resignation.. 74 It is quite to our purpose to mention here, how very fortunate it wr.s, on the present occf.sion, that tlie Fit-Id jVIarshal, anil Peter the fisherman, had separate com- mands in this memorable expedition. This circum- stance enabled them to throw the blame on each other, which they did, with so much dexterity, that Uncle Sam knew not against which to direct his reproaches : for, indeed, they threw the charges of " incapacity" and " cowardice," with such rapidity to each other, that our Uncle sat, rolling his huge eyes first at one, then at the other, like a kitten, watching the pendulous motion of a ball of yarn, that in the end, he grew wea- ry and sick of both of them, and utterly refused to in- stitute any enquiry into the causes of the failure of the expedition. Shortly after this, certain causes rendered it necessa- ry for the wise ones again to convene at the great wig- wam. Very important and urgent matters presented t-hemselves for deliberation. Among; the most promi- nent of these, were the misfortunes of our friend Nap. T' * * 11" * " -** - *- *- f- 1- - ' "o r>+ ft 4 * - mats fellow liar. r'cM^C" :::rnse:: !"...". '.- ...'.^L.^ o.*tv in life, to the command of a great empire j and being deeply skilled in the art of war, he subjugated the na- tions around him and put them all under tribute, ex- cepting John Bull, and Alexander Bearskin, who being stubborn dogs, would not so readily submit to his au- thority. As he could not readily get at Bull he deter- mined first to humble Alexander, who assisted John in all his undertakings. For this purpose he collected an immense army, and marclied into his territory, or, as it is sometimes called the land of Muscovy, determined to plunder and burn the whole country. But the surly Muscovite had employed a Commander to manage tbe SJ contest that brought the adventurous Corsican into so rious difficulty. Nap was met at the confines of the in- vaded territories, and his progress obstinately disputed at every advance, until his wearied and wasted army readied Moscow, the place of its destruction. To this the bloody fields of Smolensko, Eeivsina, and many other places, will, for ages to come, bear melancholy witness. The vast and comprehensive mind of KutusofT was perhaps the only one of all its cotemporaries, ca- pable of conceiving, maturing, and of carrying into complete effect, a plan on which depended the happi- ness of Europe, the freedom and independence of the world. He retreated indeed before the enemy, in- to the heart of his own country, like a flood rolling back upon its own resources. Behind him was desolation ; before him the earth trembled. War had assumed his most gigantic form his most terific features. Ambi- tion, on either side, prompted to the most daring enter- prizes and urged to mightiest efforts. At a single bat- tle whole nations were annihilated, whole provinces de- stroyed. The noble Russian, whose temples were bleached by the frosts of fourscore winters, viewed the wasted province, the deserted village, the smoking city, with dignified composure, not because his heart was in- sensible ; but lie regarded these, as only partial and temporary evils, compared with the magnitude and im- portance of the objects in contest. The self-dubbed Emperor reached Moscow. The crafty KutusofF witk his powerful army had retired to the Southeast, and ef- fectually cut off every resource, and every prospect of supplies. Moscow was a captive city; a desert ; a hermitage, and the funeral pile of the Tyrant's power, almost at the same instant. He had no resource but in flight aa ignominious rout, which was designed to show his disgrace in detail and prove the terrible consumma- tion of his ruin. The flames of this queen of cities, gilded the pathway to the emancipation of nations to the happiness of mankind. From it, the altar of free- dom was ignited and sent its blaze to the heavens. Xot a solitary nation in the old world, but hailed this epoch as the jubilee of Europe, and sent up its offering f gratitude to the great Dispenser of mercies. Human- ity poured forth tears of joy as she beheld the day of deliverance to the captive approach. In this develope- ment of the vast dt signs of Infinite Wisdom, the gen- ius of freedom rejoiced at the beneficent purposes of Divine Providence, towards a guilty world, and extend- ed her arms to vast communion of social man. He, who had for twenty years, chased repose from Europe, and poured out her blood as water, was in his turn, brought to taste the cup of affliction and to escape for his life. He, who a few months before drove his chariot wheels over thousands of slain, row found his way blocked up by enemies, and the perishing remains of his own army, and was compelled to fly almost unat- tended, before the unwearied pursuit of armies, whom his own ambition had made his foes, and on whom the pale ghost of murdered millions, called for vengeance. And who, the future historian will ask, commiserated the monster ? What nation, that had heard his name, mourned his disasters, or awarded him its sympathy ? Not one. No accursed as is the moral condition of man, that nation has not been found, who could deplore his fall. That nation could not long exist who could be guilty of such rebellion against reason such impiety towards Heaven- One Government, one Cabinet only* 'blush O Sun.) whose plans of se&aggrandi/euaeiit not yet consummated: whose deeds of v.ickoi; " hated the light," " mourned in secret."' One govern- ment ! But it was net the TurLlili not a. eUtn of the Savages nor even the herding Brutes no ; the faithful pencil of history proudly exempts them from so 101 .'. reproach. But who ? the Index of truth shall point it out, In- famy shall imprint its name with dyes prepared from the mud of Cocytus, its stains shall grow deeper through descending ages; the waters that drowned the worli' could not bleach out the dishonor; nor the str^ar N Lethe destroy its memory. CHAPTER IX. SPECIAL CARE 'OF HIS MASTER A VILLAGE BAR-ROOM SPEECH OF AN OLD SOLDIER FAMILY CON- FERENCE. AMIDST such a multitude of disasters, treading on tlie heels of each other, it became necessary to keep a constant eye on Uncle Sam, and lest he should grow wearyt>f the sport, to keep a perpetual distillation of encouragement dropping in his ear. Sangrado, to whom belonged the duty of reconnoitering the feelings of his adopted Uncle, was admirably fitted for his office. Alb indeed that could be fairly expected from an obstinate and mulish adherence to his own opinion, aided by the most exact discipline might be justly counted on, yet still would the unseasoned warrior, although not deficient in courage, sometimes throw back his eyes, and softly wish he had never embarked in the contest. When this happened, he was told by his faitliful Squire, ihat it was dishonourable to retreat, that Glory and Honor must be searched for, neither of them would search after hisn. The Squire, after the example of the Knight of La Mancha, had invented a sovereign remedy for every wound, and for every disease excepting a lean purse, and a crazy reputation. So dexterous and happy was his genius, and so pat the application of his faculties to every emergency, that he was sometimes called, by way of distinction, the mental-mule-Doctor." His Dispensary was far better provided than that of 79 Shakespeare's Apothecary, for instead of a " beggarly account of empty boxes," he could show a sovereign remedy for all the wounds, pustules and pimples to which the consciences of Political Sinners, were subject. If Uncle Sam was defeated, lie would immediately cry out Bravo ! never hero performed so well ! and boldly threaten to knock the first man down that cou- irn dieted him. If enlistments went on slowly, the pros- perous state of the country, and the high price of labor- was the obstacle. If the loans were not filled, Tom Boston was sure to take a cursing. Whenever Unck Sam's paper fell, Toryism and British gold were the causes, and whenever the justice of. the war was called in question, " Free trade and Sailors rights," was the answer. Our faithful S.Tjire carried his apothecary's shop in his head; his intellectual cordials, his " mental balsanis" liis * eoifii-jwostci i To* ie coiiscience," ir ' fever powders for the brain," his " grand restoratives for courage," his " treasury blister salve." and his genu- ine itch ointment prepared to cure the "itch aftei office." Who would not willingly consent to be sick, t< s have such a physician, and such attendance ? But the scientific gravity of history is bound to en- quire : how could enlistments kave a chronical progre?5 in so glorious a cause ? If words had been hailstones, and had fallen in a single shower on the heads of the Bullites, then,indeed,.they had been ground to powder in half an hour ; and the business of recruiting would have had no place. But as the proverb says, " words speak in a whisper, and actions through a trumpet." Every one knows, that when an enterprise of such magnitude is set on foot, which depends for its success on popular opinion, it is all important to act with great deliberation, 80 ~=to act cautiously and slowly and that one half the Battle is won by "raising the wind," as it is called ; the great art of War in any government, consists in its being popular, and how can a thing be made popular, without talking about it to the people ? and how can wo have talk without words, and how can we have wonis without wind ? the very summum bonuin of nine tenth's of the words that arc used. Every Blacksmith will tell you that no man can blow the bellows, and " strike, while the iron is hot," simultaneously, at one and the same time. And Thomas the Magician, the wisest man hat ever ran away in the day of battle, c;:n declare how difficult it is to speak well and act well at the same time ; nay from hir. o*vn experience could pronounce how near i approaches to an impossibility, to perform what we have promised especially if we have made fair andjfctf- tiring promises, The author of these wonderful adventures recollects bat one day as he was sitting in the bar-room of a vil- lage Hole!, where a Lieutenant in the recrciiing service had taken his lodgings, he found himself suddenly ?us- roundcd by bar-room politicians, who either moved by principle, or the desire of being noticed by the Lieuten- ant, Mho was strutting across the room. with a segar in hi* mouth 3 all approved much of the war, and highly commended the wisdom and prudence with which it was conducted. Among a quorum of speakers, the attention of the learned auditory was soon monopolized by a man, who appeared to be turned of fifty, (and to the authors .knowledge had turned down many a glass of grog in that bar-room.) not less from the consequence lie assum- ed, than from an emphatical d n it, with which he r ounded every period. Having modestly confessed that he had borne arms, in the Revolution, and proffered hfs service again, if the " necessity of the case" required, he went on to prove, that our contest with Bull, was a war of defence, and that invading his territories, in the present instance, was an act of retaliatory justice, in alt respects defensible. That he was surprised that any one should think otherwise ; that we had certainly a right according to the example of Bull himself to pun- ish an aggressor, even through the medium of an unof- fending neutral. But he would not, he said, confound national with moral law, nor had he any occasion, in the present case, to resort to this expedient ; for the inhabi- tants of Canada, although Colonists of the Mother Country, and in a relative sense, only Provincials, were, notwithstanding, morally a party to all her act5, and liable for any claim which might he established against the parent Country. Canada was a limb, a member of the animal who had offended u?, and it was ridiculous he said, for any one to pretend that because we could not seize the animal by the horns or beard, we might not therefore lay hold of the opposite extremity. With this view of the subject he declared himself greatly sur- prised that the army should not be immediately filled up, and he was confident that after his countrymen had had time to reason properly on the subject, there would be no difficulty in enlisting men. If however, govern- ment could not obtain men by enlistments, he declared himself in favor of forcible measures, such as they have in France they raise an army in a hurry there they understand it, d n if. At the close of this harangue, a form appeared, a man venerable for his years; his pace " slowly solemn by length of days," introduced his wasted figure into the company, and the instinctive rc- 8* * spect due to age, detached oar eyes from the spcakcr? and for a moment per Imps prevented reply. The vene- rable whiteness of the strangers locks, bespoke him " worthy of four score," he was helped to a chair, and was no sooner seated than he began. " The war the war, I suppose you are speaking of Gentlemen, for I listened a moment at the door as I came in. Well, I have been through two vars, I am too eld now, I was a soldier in the old French war, I was three years in the war of the Revolution. But, some how, we had differ- ent times then, those wars were more popular than this, bounty was less, wages were less, the population of the country was nothing to what it is at present, yet enlist- ments went on, the army was filled up, there was not half the opposition to those wars, that we see now." ' But interrupted our former speaker, did not the same men oppose the war of the revolution, that oppose this, the tories.'-'- Aye, the tories resumed the sage, but for the ingenuity of some of our modern politicians, I should have supposed that the office of tory w as vacated at the treaty of peace, which acknowledged us indepen- dent ; but as I perfectly recollect all the circumstances attending the beginning of the revolution, I will inform you, concerning the causes of the grand division of our people at that time into whigs and tories. When a revolution first commences, it is rebellion, after it pro- gresses, still it is rebellion, until success gives it charac- ler and respectability. In the commencement of all great changes, energy and decision are essential to se- .oure success, let the cause be good or bad. The phi- losopher reasons, the sage deliberates, the multitude act. Reason may be the legislative, but the mob must be the power. What is termed prudence and promj>- 83 iitude therefore, in plan, often becomes cruelty and fren/y, in execution. The oppressive measures of the British Parliament were resisted, as indeed they deserv- ed j but to give to the abhorrence of them, the greatest possible weight, it seemed necessary to the sagacious many, that full utterance should be given to an undivid- ed and unanimous denunciation. Committees of safety were therefore constituted in every town, parish and borough, as conservators of the public weal, to take care that the embryo " republic should receive no detriment. These municipal tribunals were composed of men whose faith was strong, and whose resolution was unquestiona- ble ; not always indeed, did the wisdom of Mentor, or ihe philosophic honesty of Aristides characterize their measures; but zeal, with or without knowledge; zeal was not merely the evidence, but the leaven of patriot- ism. I need be at no pains to demonstrate to you, that it is impossible for any subject, even of the highest national importance, to appear in the same light to all. The greatest simplicity of features may distinguish it ; yet the difference of constitutions, habits, education, manners, local and national attachment and prejudices, will give it all the capricious hues of prismatic variety. Very few comparatively at that time, attempted to jus- tify the oppressive measures of the parent state. But some were disposed to temporize wait events and proceed with caution. Others considered that to repeat our petitions for redress might be better than immediate resistance. And not a few, some of whom were allowed to be good judges, prognosticated an unsuccessful issue to the contest, they feared the infant would be crushed by the first effort of the veteran and skilful adversary. Timidity and doubt were construed disaffection ; disaf. 84 lection to so good a cause was overt treachery, to doubt, therefore, was literally " to be damned." Like a school- master, who treats the timid and stammering child with the same severity that he inflicts on the perverse and obstinate, these committees of safety, proscribed all whose length did not exactly fit their iron bed, and who could not pass unsinged, through their fiery ordeal. When it is recollected that these tory-factories were established in every town, and that each prosecuted its pious labors with Inquisitorial zeal, it cannot be won- dered that a host of internal enemies were procured, -against the most sacred cause, that ever aroused the zeal and enlisted the feelings of men. He, whether guilty or innocent, who is persecuted for a traitor, who suffers and who is branded as a traitor, can never be reconciled even in the abstract to a cause, which has been the chief agent of his persecution, and of prema- ture war on his opinion. I am not, gentlemen, con- demning the measures of our patriotic fathers, as little would I even be thought to justify those who opposed their glorious efforts in bringing forward the revolution. I am only proving that in such seasons abuses will exist, and " that offences must come," for they are inseparable from the condition of man. But I would forever de- nounce that policy, which, at this late day, when the fever of the conflict has gone over, would rekindle tke flame, and make the civil war of passion eternal. At that time, far the greater part of the most obnoxious, and all who had taken an active part, left the country. Most of them now are buried in the solitude of the grave, and are beyond the reach even of official censure. With regard to the lew who were permitted to remain in an inactive state, are not the reproaches of their country- men for more than thirty years, a sufficient punishment 85 for error of opinion ? You have seen them indeed, since '.he close of the revolution, unite themselves with Wash- ington, and those patriots who at a critical and fearful crisis formed our Constitution. You have seen them arrange themselves on the side of order, pending three dangerous insurrections- So- lon enacted that no one should speak any ill of the Head ; for humanity teaches us to spare those that are uo more, and good policy should prevent hatred from becoming immortal. But hatred to this class is not the ultimate object of those who abuse it. It is the pol- icy of the ruling party to keep up the spirit of reproach, and transfer the odious name of tory to all those who oppose their measures. To effect this object they have sacrificed millions to the French despot, and sold the nation to his influence. To effect this they have de- clared w?r, !-" 'Tver to make, a. distinct re-division. r,f the people, and to apply to them the revolutionary no- menclature of whig and iory. And view it as you will, our Rulers are at this moment bemoaning the fallen fortunes of their tutelar saint and political puppet-man- arer, with very in,t>:resed tears and Spaniel whining. Already haye the mandates of proscription gone forth, and attempts have been made by the pari sites of power, and expectants of office, to teaze the nation in- to a war-fever. The political, purgatory has sent forth its stench from near the seat of government ; an at- tempt as foolish as it was wicked has been made to stifle the voice of opinion.* Those who oppose this The Baltimore Massacre, in which the brave General Lin- gan lost his life, Mr. Hanson and many others piled up for dead, after having destroyed Mr. Hanson's printing ofjke and committing many other outrages, S6 war are already denounced as tories. If this were true, and if the opposers of the war possessed half the turpi- tude that is ascribed to then?, 10,000 of the enemy's troops would march over the country, and every for- tress and principal city in the Union would be in their hands in less than three months. If our rulers them- selves believed what they are endeavoring to make the people believe, they would not rest quietly in their houses, or sleep in peace. Under such circumstances can any one wonder why the army is not filled up ? When those who prepared and made the war will ew- courage it only by words, whither are we to look for help ? do you expect those whom you have branded as tories and traitors at the first outset, to volunteer in your crusade against those phantoms which our abominable servility against the French despot has engendered ? otism. The result of this contest will prove, that a popular government must never engage in war without the un- divided assent of the people. It is even questionable whether England who has made war her trade, ever engaged in it with so small a majority as our Govern- ment have in this instance. Strengthened as the Mon- arch is by a powerful aristocracy and fortified by an immense civil and pension rolls, no ministry dares risque a war in defiance of as respectable and powerful a minority as are now in opposition to this war. The experience of our present rulers will, besides, teach them this truth, that their present supporters, however strongly they advocate the war in opinion, yet they go no further. If war were to be maintained by preaching alone, they would support it to admiration. The war-party are 87 giants in faith and emmets in practice. Yet if the peo- ple have, in this respect deceived their rulers, the latter may console themselves, that they have set the multi- titude the example. They have so often cried " Wolf" without occasion, to serve electioneering purposes, that the kennel of courtiers from the Major-general down to the street scavenger, have learned to bark from instinct rather than from reason, and have become ac- customed to testify their usefulness and fidelity to their masters, by the exactness of the time, and loudness of their notes, in returning the echo. Do not think gen- tlemen, that I am the advocate of the enemy. I know and acknowledge that you have received much injury from them, for which you are entitled to redress. And although the war may be just as it respects the enemy, yet inasmuch as it is impossible to obtain redress in the way we are seeking it, war could not be expedient, and if not expedient, it is certainly unjust, as it respects our- selves. If the balance of human evil produced by this war is likely to be against us, if sacrifices are required of us without any prospect of an equiva- lent, it becomes us even now to pause. It was the du- ty of our rulers before they made us a party to this conflict to enquire, how far an impartial course of con- duct between France and England would have prevent- ed many injuries, which we complain of having re- ceived from the latter power. Our administration ea- sily made the people believe that our poor Sailors suf- fered no serious evil by being plundered and immured in the dungeons of Bonaparte, after having their ships burnt and themselves stripped of every necessary of Life. Nature speaks out and tells us that the miseries of a dungeon are the same whether on land or water, $8 that slavery is odious however disguised. After our Administration had thus succeeded in hardening the hearts of their supporters against the miseries of their countrymen in one instance, it is demanding too much of them to endeavour to excite any tiling more than nominal sympathy by bailing out * Free trade and Sailor's rights." The family Divan having again assembled, the unity and indivisibility of Uncle Sam's rights, came once more Mnder notice. The lucky thought was suggested by old Owen (A rat of great age and still greater roguery who had gnawed into the cabinet to keep the bows and ar- rows in order) that it might be proper now, since our friend Nap had been unfortunate, to lower our tone and soften down our demand. The Chief Steward and his first Clerk opposed an immediate abandonment of a single claim on this account, " inasmuch as" said he, Tom Boston has always charged us with having a se- cret understanding with Nap, and if we should fall in our demands, the moment we see our friend in distress, that circumstance alone would go very far to prove the charge that has been made against us. It is no way certain that our friend, the Champion of the rights of man, has utterly fallen ; but it is true he has received a most sorrowful drubbing. He may yet recover his strength. But if I knew that he would never be able to make another effort, for the reasons already given, we could not at present abate a single claim. We must war at least one year after all hope of assistance from our Corsican friend is forever gone, to save appearan- ces ; to make Uncle Sam believe, in case Nap falls, that we never had any connection with him. But in the of his success, we shall be able to secure all the 89 objects we are contending for, in which case we shall have no occasion to be troubled about the charge of foreign influence. Another consideration was of some importance. Nap had always been our friend and good policy forbids us to cast him off until all prospect of his being further useful to us lias entirely vanished." Old Owen replied. He said he had never had any very high opinion of Nap's friendship. He thought he had not treated us with much delicacy in issuing his revo- cation of his Decress against our commerce so long af- ter he had flattered us to declare them void by procla- mation. This measure tended very much to make us ridiculous in the eyes of the world. The matter, said he, stands exactly thus : On the faith of a plausible French story, >ve boldly >tep forward and repeal our non-intercourse as it re- -pects France, and declare his Decrees which were the cause of it, void at the same time. The cause \ve took for granted, the effect we made absolute. But upon what basis, upon what foundation did we so hastily ad- venture on this important measure ? Why upon a mere French presumption, that we should cause our flag to be respected by the enemy, i. e. England. This previ- ous condition we were in no capacity to fulfil, vet we boldly came forward and assumed the non-efficacy of the obnoxious Decrees on our commerce, and seized the good will of our crafty ally by the foretop. We made an unconditional repeal of our non-intercourse law. which repeal was based on a contingent and subsequent event which might or might not take place. Now what does our noble ally ? Why "after he learns that war was determined on, eighteen months after date of our procla- mation, lie comes forward and declares his decrees re- 9 150 voked. To oblige us very much, ami help us out of the mud, he antedates it one year j but to show us that this was an act of pure grace, or favor in him, he archly leaves us six months in the vocative. As if he h;;d said ; u Gentlemen you are chargeable with just eighteen months of folly, I generously wipe away twelve of it, leaving you to get rid of the other third part as you can: But" At this instant Sangrado came in and the Chief Steward immediately silenced the speaker, by demanding what news from Uncle Sam What was his pulse for war ? Whether he thought he would take the field in earnest ? The Squire replied that his honored Knight had as true a heart as ever was hooped with ribs, and he thought something of a military turn ; but he was very whimsical at times. I once said he had him fairly mounted on his Colt, but he unluckily pulled only on one rein of the bridle, which turned his Rozinante up against a wall, from which nothing could start him. The Knight dismounted, gave him a hearty cursing and called for a single horse-waggon, put on his new five hundred dollar Coat, and rode about to see the troops. But you must know gentlemen, that mine Uncle has some odd notions, for let him encamp where he will, he will suffer his troops to lodge under no tent poles, but such as are brought from Pittsburg, nor use any vinegar or molasses but what is transported from Boston. He has become very talkative of late, says a great deal about the justice of the war, the tyranny of Bull, and the glory that will be acquired in conquering the liberty of the seas, by taking Canada, and^ always when I imagine I have him piping hot for the battle, I am momently ex- pecting him to take up his line of march, some unlucky story pops into his mind, which must be told before he 9 1 can start. Oa a late occasion, when an important bat- tle had already commenced, when indeed nothing but his agency was waiting to secure the fruits of victory, the old blockhead, was earnestly engaged in discussing a Constitutional question, constructing a paper breast vork before his kitchen door, and examining the merits of a new receipt for destroying lice on calves. No man ever spoke better, and to tell the plain truth, few ever acted worse. I have given him a regular course of lee- tares on the morality, the justice and expediency of the war, and what effect do you think it has had on him ? Why he says our cause is so just and righteous, that we have nothing to do but wait the interposition of Provi- dence that the taking of Canada is a mere trifling job, like dressing out a Cabbage yard before breakfast it can be done at any time. The Chief Steward shook his head, threw off a bladder of wind from his stomach, rose up and left the room. Now reader I think it more than probable, that we ttiay have the next Chapter from the pen of Uncle Zachary, for I have just observed him trimming his quill and looking very thoughtful. He remarked of late in a surly manner, that I would not finish a history in an age. We shall I fancy have a rapid relation of events, neatly condensed in his best Hebrew manner. CHAPTER \ VNCLE ZACHARV'S CHRONICLE OF THE WAR IN THE NO1O". v THE WEST AND THE SOOTH AND WHILE RELATING THESE MARVELLOUS DEED:?, HE .MAKETH MANY WIST- REFLECTIONS. 1. AND in those days, as soon as it was seen that there would be war between Samuel and John, behold there came from divers parts of the Country, many mighty men of valor, unto the Chief Steward and coinuu;iicJ with him: 2. And said, Lo now we will stand by tliee and strengthen thine hand, and encourage thine heart that it faint not. Therefore make us Captains of thousands, and Captains of hundreds, and of fifties, and give us wages, and we will subdue thine enemies before thee. 3. And the Chief Steward hearke:od unto them and did so. And there were Captains of thousand?, and Captains of hundreds, and of fifties, and of none at all'} even a multitude, so that they that drew the sword were more than they that drew the bow. 4. Now of those that were made captains of hosts, or chief captains, there were Henry and William Hen- ry and Jacob and Alexander, who warred in the North and in the West of the lands of Samuel. And in the South there were Andrew and James and Samuel. 5. And besides these there were many Captains who appertained to the several tribes of Samuel, who drew the sword in defence of their own borders. 93 6. Now it came pass that in the first year ef the war that Henry prepared himself to go out to battle, and he collected a great army, and directed his course into the woods of Shatt-o-gee, and he marched over the wilder- ness, and the very shadows of the sons of Cain fled be- lore him. 7. And inasmuch as no enemy appeared to contend with, he found in a block house, the body of a dead wampum, and he warred against it and burnt it. 8. After this he returned with his army to Greenbtish, ibr it was winter. 9. Moreover it came to pass in the second year oi the war that Henry warred u gainst the sons of Bui! . ml he passed over the great water which divides the land of Samuel from the land of Bull, and besieged a dofenc.- ed city called Little York, and took it. 10. Albeit, many brave and valiant men fell of the army of Samuel, and among those who were greatly lamented was Zcbulon, the armor bearer of Henry. 11. Now this came to pass on the twenty-eighth day o*" the fourth month. And there was much blood shed on both sides, and many lives were lost by the blowing up of the ground whereon the men stood. 12. And many prisoners were made by Henry, and he possessed the city and a portion of tlie Country round about. Yet all this did not finish the war. 13. And it fell out on the first month of the same year that the sons of Samuel lay encamped in the wil- derness, at a place called French-town, and the sons of Bull and the children of Cain came upon them, a great multitude, and smote them with great slaughter. Not- withstanding the sons of Samuel fought valiantly and killed many of their enemies. 9* 94 14. On that day many of the warriors of Samuel iebi into the hands of the Bullitcs, among whom was Jamet the Captain of the host of Samuel. 15. But the Chief Captain of the host of Bull behaved very vilely, inasmuch as he promised to save all the prisoners alive, whereas the sons of Cain fell upon them and killed many ; wherefore he got unto himself great shame. And the Chief Captain's name was Proctor. 16. And it came to pass on the twelfth day of the fifth month of the same year, that a host of the sons of Samuel were placed in a garrison in the wilderness;, at a place called fort Meigs. and they were commanded by Wi'vain Henry. 1". And this same Proctor came upon them with a great band of the sons of Bull and the children of Cain, even a multitude, and being exceedingly puffed up with pride, this son of Belial spake great swelling words against William Henry, like Rabshakeh of old, and de- manded thai he should give up the fort ; therefore he spake from the pride of his heart and said give up that ye may save yourselves alive." 18. And William Henry answered and said, I will not give it into thy hands. If thou take it by the sword, Bull ihy muster will honor thee ; but if I give it tliee through fear, he will have thee in little esteem. 19. And this son of Belial besieged the fort, and William Henry came out against him with chosen men, even the Kentuckyites and the Ohioites, and the warri- ors of Bull, and the sons of Cain were cut down before Jhem and slaughtered : and they fled into the wilderness in such haste that they left their stuff behind. And William Henry returned from the slaughter. 95 "20. After this the sons of Cain said unto Rabshakaii forasmuch as Samuel hath discomfitted thee, we will forsake thee ; (for the children of Cain be a treacherous and deceitful people.) and they deserted him, a great number. 21. And the children of Cain chode with Rabshakeh and said. Thou hast deceived us ; forasmuch as thou ba- dest us bring our wives and our little ones unto this place and spake strong words, that thou wouldst not fly before the Host of Samuel. But now thou hast fled ; " thou art even as a fat animal which carries its tail on its back for pride, when no danger is near ; but if only a leaf fall it droppeth its tail between its legs and is gone."* And Rabshakeh dropped down his eye lids and was ashamed. 22. Moreover it came to pass on the twenty and se- venth day of the same month, that Henry, the Chief Captain of all the hosts of Samuel, warred against Fort George and took it. And- Henry slew ninety of the sons of John on that day, axid of the sons of Samuel, there were killed seventeen. 23. And Henry's armor bearers were John and Mor- gan, Peter the fisherman ai:d others. And they took from the sons of Bull on that day an hundred captives. Nevertheless an end was not yet made to the Avar. 24. In all these matters Henry was much helped by Isaac the waterman, for with his boats he encountered the boats of Bull and put them to flight. Moreover also he wrought cunningly, and carried over the great waters the bands of Henry, so that Henry spake of him to the Chief Steward. 25. And about this time Morgan, surnamed Le-wfss, wrote a long, letter to the Chief scribe of Samuel, and See speech of Tecumeeh to Gen. Proctor. 96 the whole matter of it was, that he sent forty men t help Isaac, and that they all returned safely to their tents. 26. And it fell out, on the twenty-eighth day of the same month, even the fifth month, that the hosts of Ball, a great multitude passed over the great waters, in their boats to war against the men of Samuel, who were cu- camped on the borders of the great Lake, even at Sack- et's Harbor. 27. As soon as the sun was up, the hosts of John fell upon the city, and upon the sous of Samuel unawares and drove them. Albeit many of the Samuelites who were unused to war, (of the tribe of Dan) were dismay- ed and fled. 28. And for a time the children of Samuel fled before their enemies. But Jacob the Chief Captain came up, and encouraged them, and said why should ye fear ? And he fell upon the Bullitcs and they were smitten with the edge of the sword, and taken with great fear. 29. And the Chief Captain of the enemy was George, and he was of the King's household. And he fled with great trembling to the boats, and in much haste got him back, he and his men to their own country. 30. It falleth out by some means, that there is great pride in the heart of the sous of men. 31. Now the man Proctor, the son of Belial of whom we have spoken, had his evil heart stirred within him again to vex the sons of Samuel. And as his manner was he assembled again the wicked sons of Cain, and devised mischief against a small band of Samuelftes which lay at Lower Sandusky. 32. Now the Chief Captain of this little band was a young Man, of the age of twenty and one years, and his name was Croghau. And be was a Captain over hun- dreds. 33. On the first day of the week, on the first day of the eight month, came Rabshakeh before the Fort Ste- phenson, ana with great swelling words said. Give up and save yourselves alive, for I have eight hundred men in mine host. 34. And the Cbjef Captain answered and said, I will not give up, but thou mayest take it if thou canst. So he warred against it, but he was discomfitted with great slaughter. Albeit the Captain of the host of Samuel bad with him an hundred and three score men. And he destroyed of the band of Rabslmkeh four score and three men. And Rabshakeh left his stuff behind him and fled to the wilderness with great shame. 35. The hearts of the sons of Bull were fully set ia ihem to do evil. For on the fourteenth day of the sixth month, they came to one of the towns in the tribe of Dan and burned it. Whereby many of the inhabitants were reduced to distress, and forasmuch as the customs of war do not permit this violence, it became a reproach unto the Bullites unto this day. And the name of the town was Sodus. 36. Moreover Isaac, the waterman, took with him chosen men and went over to the land of Bull, on the thirty-first day of the seventh month, and ran into the harbor of York, and took from them many Mules bur- den of the flesh of kine and of the flour of wheat, and destroyed it. For Isaac feared not the face of danger. 37. Now Bull had sent many ships over the great waters, and they came near to the south country even into the Bay of Chesapeake. And they fell on the cle- ie:iceless inhabitants and committed many abomum> dons, at a place called Hampton. ~8. Also in the multitude of their evil doings, they entered a Synagogue and carried away the vessels of the sanctuary. And for all these iniquities, the reproach will not be wiped away while the Sun sliineth. 39. Moreover in the Western Country towards th going down of the Sun, one of the Chief men of the host of Bull, slew one of the children of Samuel in cold blood. And the man that was slain, was wounded and defenceless and asked for his life. 40. Howbeit foolishness prevailed in ihe counsels of Samuel, for he was madly set on warring against John, meanwhile he provided not for the defence of his own borders. And he clave to his lolly aiul would not let it go. 41. Now it caine to pass that Samuel sent the valiant William Henry into the country of Bui!, and lie varred and took Maiden- And Rabshakeh and his wampums fled before him, and it was on the twenty and third day of the ninth month. 42-. Moreover in the beginning of the tenth month, which is called October, William pursued after this sou of Belial and csme up with him and smote his bands and put them to flight. 43. And of the Bullites, some were killed, and more than six hundred did William carry away captive. And the man Proctor fled, and left all his stuff, even all his armor, and his stores wherewith he made war, which William carried off, and the price of it was counted at tea hundred thousand pieces of Silver. 44. And in those days the children of Cain were trou- blesome and multiplied their evil doingc. For in, the 99 Southern Country near the Mobile at a place called Fensaw they came unawares on the children of Samuel and smote them, men, women and children, one hundred and three score souls. 45. Now ahont the first day of the eleventh month Samuel reasoned thus with himself, Lo the season is far passed and we have done little, and this is now the second year of the war: I will send now my oldest armor bearer, and he shall take with him an exceeding great army, and he shall subdue the country before him. And Samuel counselled with his chief men, and they said, Thou shall do it. 46. Therefore called he Jaccobeus the smoker for he said he shall utterly smoke him from his hiding places. And he made him Captain over thousands. 47. He called also Waytl the Tanner, for he said he shell thoroughly tan the hide of Bull, and take off his hair. . 48. And Jaccobeus the Smoker took his Journey from Sacket ? s harbor, and passed down the great river, even the river St. Lawrence. And Samuel said unto him ye shall halt at the French mills, and there shall ye meet Wayd and ye shall unite your men, and ye shall go down and take Montreal, which standeth on an island in the great river St. Lawrence. And he journeyed for- ward. 49. And the Bullites and the Cainites followed in the rear of Jaccobeus and caused him great evil. And when he cr.me to the place appointed, behold Wayd was not there; but had returned back again. So Jaccobeus turned him about and fought the enemy many days and lost many of his men. 50. And with great loss and damage he came again to Sackets harbor. 100 A 51. Now Samuel spake unto Wayd on this wise: Co thou from Plattsburgh and pass through the wilderness of Shatt-o-gee and meet Jaccobeus, and lie journeyed forwards one day's journey, and pitched his camp in the wilderness. And he remained there three days, and turned back again. Albeit his heart was not in the mat- ter, for he did not love Jaccobeus aforetime. 52. And Samuel was wroth and chode with them, saying, Ye are like unto froward children. Have ye done wisely to prefer your own foolish passions to mine interest ? Wot ye not that I have made you great and honorable ? Wherefore then have ye neglected to obey my commands ? tt 53. And the Tanner, rose up and was wroth and went unto his own home. Nevertheless Jaccobeus abode in the field yet awhile ; for he said as mine honor liveth, I will be tried by a council of war, according to the cus- tom in such cases. 54. And a council of mighty men was called to exa- mine the conduct of Jaccobeus. And there stood up a certain Lawyer named Corkscrew, and said unto Samuel, Lo now I will speak in the ear of all these, against Jac- cobeus, as I did against William aforetime, and thy coun- sel against Jaccobeus shall stand ; and thou shalt give me two thosand piecies of Silver. 55. And Samuel said unto hm am I a King or a Na- bob, that my shoes should be cleaned with a silver brush ? And he thrust him aside. 56. Nevertheless the counsel said unto Jaccobeus, take again thy sword, for thou art not to blame. So an end was made of the matter. 57. Howbeit the foolish counsels of Samuel were in f-ault j for his counsels were at variance. For John, a sou i perdition, lnul the charge of all the armour, and he was wise to work all manner of evil. And he pro- vided tents for those that drew the sword. And lie was jealous with an evil eye over the Smoker and the Tan- ner. And he said within himself, I will confound their purposes and they shall come to shame. 58. Howbeit Samuel clave unto this same evil worker. For the foolishness of Samuel, though he were brayed in a mortar would not depart from him. For although he had many Chief Captains, yet would they not obey rach other. As if the hairs of Wild Asses tails should rebel and say each one, am I not an equal part of the nil ? 59. In those days there \vas war in the Southern oountiy, where the Sun beateth down in a more direcl line upon the earth, whence it cometh to pass that uc\- iher man nor beast is straitened by means of cokl. 60. And tiiis war was made in the winter season, and after the ingathering of summer fruits. And Andrew, a true man was placed over it ; and he warred against ,-; powerful nation of the sons of Cain, and he drave them and smote them with the edge of the sword, and burnt up their dwellings. 61. And Andrew was holpen in this matter by James surnamed White ; by John snrnamcd Coffee, and by Jobji surnamed Floyd, besides many others, all true men. i)i whom Samuel had confidence. 62- And now it came to pass that in the third year of the war, that Samuel sent forth an host against the country of Bull to war against it *yid take it ; and he put over it Jacob as Chief Captain, for Samuel truly said of him, he knoweth the times and the seasons, and he fear- eth no danger. 10 102 03. On the second day of the seventh month did Jacob pass over the great waters, and on the day following he took the garrison at fort Erie. The day following which was the fourth day of the same month, Jacob with his host turned toward Chippewa. 64. And Jacob came to Chippewa, and the hosts of Bull were + here, and they fought, and the destruction of men was like the felling of trees by a tempest, so great was the slaughter; the host of Samuel took unto them- selves the victory. And the Captains under Jacob that wrought valiantly on this day, were Ripley, and Scott, and Jessup, and Miller. Albeit Peter the fisherman was there, but the host under him did not well, for they show- ed themselves afraid. 65. Moreover on the twenty-fifth day of the same month, Jacob moved forward his bands, and came to a place called Queenstown, at which he strove again with the armies of Bull, and discomfitted them and put them to flight. And Jacob had to Ins help the same captains as aforetime, and Peter the fisherman with his host did valiantly. 66. Howbeit mary on both sides were smitten by the edo-e of the sword on that dav, nor even yet was there O made an end of the combat. 67. Now it came to pass that the Bullites gathered together a great host of men, and came to make war against the Southern country which pertaineth to Sam- uel. And with their ships they came up the sea which is called the Bay of Chesapeake. 68. And they came against the city of Alexandria, and took it, aud carried off the ships which were there- in ; yet they spared the lives of the people. 103 69. And they came also against the city of Washing- ton, which lietli on the river Potomac. Now this city is the place where the sons of Samuel are wont to meet every year, to deliberate on, and devise measures which concern the whole people. 70. Now for many days had the sons of Bull been journeying up the great river Potomac, and Samuel had \\arning of their approach; yet did he not provide the means whereby to defend the city. 71. Now in this city were the Chief Steward and the Chief Scribe, and also John, who had in charge the ar- mor of Samuel. And the Books, and the Parchments, and the Chronicles, aud the Laws, and whatsoever Laws and customs pertained to the children of Samuel, were laid up in buildings in this city. 72. And the sons of Bull were wroth that Samuel had warred upon John, and their wrath was kindled. And they came upon the city, and the men who were placed for the defence thereof fled before them. Also the Chief Steward, when he turned his eyes and saw the enemy, his heart failed him, and he lifted up his heels and fled. 73- Now the eyes of the people were upon the Chief Scribe, and upon John who had the care of the armour ; but they said to themselves the enemy be upon us, and they also lifted up their heels and fled. For each re- membered his deeds. And those that saved themselves this daj- by fear, were more than they that saved them- selves bv their courage. * 74. And the Bullites burnt all the public buildings, and the books that pertained to Samuel, and all the shipping and the materials w herewith lie made war, they carried off. 104 75. Now in this did Bull very wickedly, and showed a very evil and foolish spirit; and for this act of Bull, shame shall cover him as a thick cloud, and dishonor shall cleave to him forever. 76. Neither did Samuel wisely, for like Issachar, he bowed his back to the burden. And all the people cried out against the Chief Captain of the host of Samuel. Albeit the men who were with him fled, and he could not restrain them. (For clivers of them were of those that aforetime made insurrection, and committed mur- der, and Barrabas also was with then:.) 77. Yet in all this did not the foolishness of Siiniud depart from him j but he clave to the same evil coun- sels. Even as a ravenous bird flying over the sen- fas- teneth his talons in a great fish, so that he is drawn un- Jer and drowned. 78. Howbeit on that day, a certain man named Joshua, of the host of Samuel, fought valiantly, and was wound- ed and taken captive. Now this came to pass on the twenty-third day of the eighth month. 79. Moreover the sons of' John moved by the Prince of Darkness, came up the great river Connecticut, in their boats, attacked Pettapaug, and destroyed much shipping which was wont to resort there. After doing this mischief, they returned again to the sea, for there -were none to resist, save women and children. 80. Now the man Thomas had the charge of the ships of Bull in the Eastern waters. And he said within himself, I have done valiantly at Pettipaug in warring against women and children. I will even attack Ston- ington, then shall mine honor be as the light that shineth, for there is none to resist. 105 81. Therefore he sent a messenger to the people say- ing, " give up the town into my hands or I will even burn it to ashes. Give ye up, for it paineth mine heart to bring distress on your women and children.'' 82. Howbeit the people hearkened not to Thomas, so that he warred against them from the water ; and it was night time. And the people fought valiantly, and had Thomas in derision. And the people resisted Thomas from the night watches even until morning, and they drave him from before the town; and Thomas sneaked away, even as a dog that is whipped droppeth his tail between the two hinder posts of his body, even so did Thomas. 83. Now it came to pass on the fourteenth day of the eighth month, that John Bull, with his brethren the sons of Cain, came against fort Erie with a great force and pitched their camp before it, and besieged it. And the force was under the command of the man Drunnnond. 84. And he came against it in the night time, and fought with great fury, and he said unto his men, ye shall not save a man of the sons of Samuel alive. 85. But the unseen hand of Justice executed ven- geance on the head of this monster, for while he was giving out this inhuman order, he was slain. 86. And the sons of Samuel fought valiantly and pre- vailed, and drave the enemy, and subdued them with -great slaughter, so that more than four hundred of them were slain. Afterwards this part of the land had rest. 87. Again the sons of Bull appeared in the Southern country, near whereunto is the city of Baltimore, and with a great force attempted to go towards the city. But the sons of Samuel resisted and drove them, and 10* killed their Chief Captain whose name was Ross. And the enemy fled to his ships. 88. Time would fail us to speak of all the matters pertaining to this foolish and wicked war, wherein much blood and treasure were wasted to no purpose. We have now shewn how Samuel warred for more than two years, and so far from taking away any part of the coun- try of Bull, he could not defend his ov.u borders. 89. But as it falleth out in all human affairs, so more especially in war, the miseries of it cannot all be seen at once ; nor even if a single view could be taken of all its calamities, would the mind of man be able to con- ceive thereof, or to realize them. 90. As it commonly happens in a private quarrel, so in war, one act of uncommon wickedness openeth the door to another j and the evil passions of men are set on fire. 91. An evil minded man, a Captain of one of the bands of Samuel, burned the town of Newark, in the country of Bull with fire, after driving out the people. And this he did at the beginning of winter^ by which hundreds had not where to lay their heads. 92. For this act of violence Bull avenged himself by burning a place called Buffalo, in the land of Samuel. Now neither of these abominations can be excused, for ihey furthered not the objects of the war, by destroying the means of carrying it on ; but only brought causeless distress on the people. 93. Moreover I said in mine heart, that if one man were appointed to bear the sin of a single war, or evert the burning of a single city, these evils would not SO often come on the children of men : 107 94. Forasmuch as there is in the hearts of all, a con- sciousness of right and wrong, and the hearts of most men would fail them for fear of punishment hereafter. 95. But man's heart is so deceitful and wicked that he casteth the fault on his neighbor and saith within him- self, Behold am not / guiltless ? So I saw that war was a sore rvil under the Sim. CHAPTER XL MISTAKEN NOTIONS OP HONOR CONDEMNED NAVAL TRANS- ACTIONS PERRY'S VICTORY COMMODORE ROGERS CAPTAIN PORTER'S CRUISE AND LOSS OF THE ESSEX COMMODORE CHAUNCEY CAPTAIN WARRINGTON PRE- VOSt's EXPEDITION BATTLE ON CHAMPLAIN DEFENCE OP NEW ORLENS. So reader, as I expected, Uncle Zachary has gath- ered all the Canadian Laurels that were left, and no- thing remains for us, but either to suffer the rays of a schorching sun on our temples, or sailor-like, take to the water. The old Rabbin is an excellent hound to take the scent and follow the track, as long as he can keep his Hebrew feet on Terrafirma, but, as you must have already seen, he is no -water-dog. It belongs to the fidelity of history, alike to record the events which do honor to the bravery of men, as those which would raise a blush on the cheek, even of infamy. That desire of distinction, that impulse to great actions, which is among the earliest perceptible passions of infancy, which is our companion through life and our solace even on the confines of the grave, is as diversified in its appearances, and as capricious in its results, as are the objects by which it is excited The fame of some, indeed, appears wholly the effect of accident. Hence we say " great occasions make great men." But for this or that event, or accident, such and such a consequence would never have happened. But 100 when carried away with such purblind opinions, we a-s- :e that to which we have no claim, we argue in a circle, arid are bewildered in a false and delusory hy- pothesis- For on this ground, the apologists for the dignity of human nature, build their justification of war and of bloodshed, and even find an excuse for perpetu- al revolution in the affairs of men. So these champions of human equity assert, had it not been for the American revolulion, the name of \Vashington would never been known beyond his native state; he might indeed have been a good magistrate? an accurate surveyor, a benevolent citizen, &c. but what of all this ? Aye what of it indeed, if this world were governed by the depraved amtition of the modern infidel. What of it surely, if this world were construct- ed and furnished merely for the sensualist ; if this life be only a glittering levee, a festive Ball, and the Tomb only a Register's office to signify its eternal close. But if indeed this span of existence be only the prospectus of our being, if indeed we are in this life mere recruits for immortality ! then most assuredly we have a clue, which unravels and explains the whole mystery of our pilgrimage here, and which instructs us to believe that the benevolence of Washington while on earth, forms at this moment, the chief part of that celestial happiness, which he can derive from any con- sciousness of his being while here below. What if the revolution had never happened ? What if the Father of his country had never been called to lead conquer- ing armies, or guide the vast concerns of a grateful peo- ple, and instead of being destined to wear the martial and civic wreaths, he had worn out his life in acts of so- cial bene-volence. That benevolence would form the. 110 basis of his Heavenly happiness. It wouiu "be like, the dew of Hermon, like the oil which anointed the folarcl of the venerable priest of Israel. But do you condemn the principles of the revolution ? says our philosopher. By no means, I regard it as one of the most beneficient dispensations of Divine Providence in the history of man. But if Washington sought to bring it about mere- ly for his own aggrandizement, he would be justly chargeable with the guilt of sporting with the lives of his fellow creatures. But he and his patriotic associ- ates had high motives. Principles, not men, were the objects in contest, and the smiles of Heaven attended their efforts. Hence true patriotism is ever consistent with Piety. But those that seek or procure war, nnder whatever pretence to justify their former opinions, to gratify their passions, or secure to themselves, the per- petuity of the emoluments of office, upon them shall fall the guilt of all the blood which has been shed in this unnatural contest. By such in their last moments, the cries of the widow shall be heard, the tears of the orphan shall embitter their recollections, and the fre- quent Ghost of man a victim, shall walk before them. We must not however forget our office. With that conscious pride which forms the highest incentive to noble actions, every friend of his country rejoiced at the news of the ever memorable victory, achieved on Lake Erie, on the 10th of September, 1813, by the gal- lant Perry and his brave associates. After a well con- tested action of more than three hours, the Queen Char- lotte and Detroit ships of war, and the Lady Prevost, schooner, besides three smaller vessels fell into the hands of the Commodore. The total of guns, fought by the British, was 03, while those on board (he America!! in fleet were but 54. The enemy's force also outnumber- ed ours by 100 men. Captain Perry's ship, the Law- rence was made a wreck at the beginning of the action, so that he was compelled to leave her and go on board the Niagara. The loss of the Americans was princi- pally on board the Lawrence, having 22 killed and 61 wounded, so that although she carried more than a third part of the fleet's force of guns, she was of no use in consummating the victory. It is due to the brave Commodore to declare, that however splendid his for- tune on this occasion, it did not exceed his humanity, the image of benevolence was distinctly recognised in the features of the Conqueror. To this, the unfortunate Captain Barclay and his brave wounded tars testified with tears of gratitude. It.is thus that humanity is ever the ally of all that is truly great in man ; she sheds a lustre on the fame of the victor, which no other virtue could bestow. Commodore Rogers, in the Frigate President, made a cruise of five months, traversing the great "highway of nations," in almost every direction, and after taking and destroying many vessels of the enemy returned to port in the month of September, 181-3. During his cruise, the flag of the union waved for some time in the British channel and on the coast of Norway, and al- though no occasion occurred to test the superior valor of his crew or the skill and bravery of their Command- er, yet that occasion was ever sought, with a diligence and awaited in a state of discipline which would have ensured success. Commodore Porter in the Frigate Essex, of 44 guns, sailed from the Delaware in October 1812, and ran down the coast of South America, visited Peru, Lima- Guayaquil and the Brazils, and finally accomplished the dangerous enterprize of doubling Cape II. showed the " Star spangled banner" in the Pacific Ocean. In this run he fell in with and captured eight of the enemy's ships of war, Letters of Marque and Cruizers, which infested those seas. On board of these and other trading vessels which he captured he found an immense amount of property, consisting of specie, naval stores and provisions. Some of his prizes he manned and added to his command, and at one time his fleet was formidable to the governors of those prov- inces, whose dispositions were not the most friendly to- wards the United States. In the Pacific Ocean, he discovered and took pos- session of the beautiful Island Nooaheevah, in the name of the United States, and established a friendly inter- course with the Natives. Here he overhauled and re- fitted his ship, and having left a Lieutenant and 21 men, he resumed his cruise, steering for the coast of Chili. 'Having understood that Commodore Hilly er, of the Phe- be frigate was cruising for him in those seas, he shap- ed his course for Valparaiso, in hopes of meeting him. In this he was not disappointed ; the Commodore short- ly appeared in the Phebe of 58 guns and 320 men, ac- companied by the Cherub Sloop of war mounting 28 guns and a complement of 180 men. With this supe- rior force, Commodore Porter lay for some time, block- aded in Valparaiso, until the 28th of March 1814, he determined to venture out. In this attempt a heavy squall carried away his main topmast, when both the enemy's ships instantly gave chase. Finding escape impracticable, lie ran into a small bay and prepared for action. Both ships came up 5 the Frigate placing nS herbeJl' under hi* stern and the Sloo^ ia in* bow, ihe ac- tion commenced about 4 P. M. But the enemy met with so warm a reception that in half an hour both ships were obliged to haul off to repair damages. They soon returned however to the combat, when Com- modore Porter, laid the Essex along side the Pliebe, when the conflict became terrible. The Essex having all her rigging shot away, every attempt to bring her to a position to board the enemy was fruitless, notwith- standing the utmost exertions of the Commodore and his crew ; the enemy cautiously avoiding being brought to this decisive measure. After maintaining the una- vailing conflict for two hours and an half, he surrender- ed what was left of the Essex to the enemy. Commo- dore Hillyer, although he fought well on this occasion, gained no laurels. He contended with a ship to whose force, his own was more than double in men and near- ly so in guns. On the other hand the Americans fought viith a bravery bordering on despair, and which no -;iing could equal but the navnl skili, by which every ef- fort was directed. Some, perhaps will accuse Crq Porter of trespassing on the claims of humanity, in pro- tracting the conflict beyond those limits which the most scrupulous honor could require, lie was not indeed contending with a pirate from whom he expected no quarters; the liberties of his Country were n.H invol- ved in the issue, and had the Essex carried any other banner than that of the American navv, we might al- low this accusation very considerable weight. But the Commander and his hardy tars, felt that they fought beneath a flag that had never been dishonored j while contending, they remembered the victories of Truxton, Hull,and"Decatur, and they knew that no ordinary meas- 11 114 ure of bravery would satisfy a country which claimed these Heroes as its citizens. It is ever a painful duty to make valor a sacrifice ; but whenever it becomes so. the cheerfulness of the act, augments the value of the oblation. In this action, the Essex had 58 men killed, and 65 wounded. Commodore Chauncey, who in the beginning of the war was placed in command of the fleet on Lake On- tario, with an inconsiderable force, kept in check the superior power of the enemy in that Lake, and by his skill baffled all the attempts of Commodore Yeo to make a descent on the American coast. His fleet con- veyed over the troops under General Dearborn, when he attacked Little York, and its guns covered the lan- ding of the troops. On the 5th of October, 1813, he fell in with and captured five of the enemy's vessels which were bound to Kingston with troops and war- like stores. Captain Chauncey's command was in ma- ny respects, an unpleasant and difficult one. Station- ed on an inland sea with a force always inferior to that of the enemy, in case of any disaster, that should es- sentially reduce his strength, the whole shore on our own side would immediately have been exposed to the invasion of the enemy. For his fleet, could be rein- forced in no other way ? than by the tedious process oi building. In this situation he was placed, knowing thcf importance of a prudent course, which the Government never ceased to inculcate, feeling, at the same time, the dread of popular disquietude which was likely to be en- gendered, by over-heated expectations from the bril- liant successes of our Navy on the Ocean. His better judgement, however, raised him above those passions, and led him to prefer the interest of his country to con- 115 hiiieratioiis of an inferior nature. The cool and now unprejudiced voice of his countrymen, lias sanctioned his conduct, and America, already ranks him among those Naval commanders, from whom, on any future emergency, her highest expectations may be realized. lu summoning the feelings of our countrymen to the Ocean, the natural theatre of their fame, the exercise of gratitude, and the triumph of honorable pride are ex- cited by the gallant achievements of Captain Warring- ton, of the Peacock, who captured the English brig Eper- vier, carrying 18 heavy guns and 128 men, after an action of 42 minutes. The Epervier had 11 men killed and 15 wounded. The Peacock had only two wounded and those slightly, and received so little injury as to be fitted for action in fifteen minutes after the encounter- The Epervier had 54 shot-holes in her hull, 20 of which were within a foot of her water line, lost her main top- mast, and had her rigging much damaged. This vessel seemed doomed to misfortune. She has since been made the maritime Coffin of the unfortunate and gal- lant Shabrick and his gallant crew, while returning from the Mediterranean, last season. Among the events which in a season of war decide the fortunes of a nation engaged in defending an ex- tensive coast and an equally extended frontier, it does not of leu occur, that either the invading, or repelling power, places the issue of the struggle at the hazard of a single trial. Of a different character, however, it would appear is the expedition which next claims our attention. The great revolution of affairs in Europe, which took a decided character early in the year 1814, placed a large disposable force in the power of the ene- my. This event, as an auxiliarv to the shameful mis? 116 jgemen* on our own part, bad changed {lie from an offensive to a defensive war. The veteran- . jtbc had served in Spain and had learned no other duty than to conquer, were poured into Canada, and the en- emy, determined to make an aUonipt, in his turn, at in- vnsioi 1 .. This force, 14,000 strong, principally organ- ized at Montreal, and provided with cvciy tiling neces- sary for the expedition, appeared before Pittsburgh about the first of September, under the command of Sir George Prevosl, an ab'e a 'id experienced ofiker. General Macomb wos strongly entrenched at Pla tit- burgh, with about 1500 ruen. Tlie enenn "s fleet on Lake Champlain hove in sigh! in a few day^, and it appeared to be Ins plan, to have the success of his fleet first tried before any very decisive measures were taken by land. The enemy justly entertained high expecta- tions from this armament. It consisted of the Confi- ance of 39 guns and 300 men, Linnet of K> guns. 120 men, Growler and Eagle, each 11 guns and 40 men ; together, with 13 Gunboats mounting 18 guns and 550 men: constituting a total of 95 guns and 1050 men, commanded by Captain Downie an intelligent and brave officer. To oppose this force, the Americans had the Saratoga 26 guns and 270 meii, the Eagle 20 guns 120 men. Ticonderoga 17 guns 110 men, Preble 7 guns 30 men, besides 10 Gunboats mounting 16 guns and carrying 350 men, making a total of 86 guns, and 820 men, under the command of Captain Thomas Macdonough. On the llth September at 9 o'clock in the morning, the enemy appeared and formed in a line about 300 yards distant from the American fleet, his ship, the Confiance, being opposed to the Saratoga, the action began. At half past 10, the Engle, not 117 being able to throw her shot to effect, cut her cable and anchored between the commodore's ship and the Ti- conderoga, where she soon made a sensible impression on the enemy. The gallies and gunboats were all en- gaged. The guns on the starboard of the Commodore's ship, being all dismounted, a stern anchor was cast out, the bower cable cut, when she came about, and poured a broad side into the enemys ship which soon after surrendered. The fire of the Saratoga was then turned upon the brig, which surrendered in fifteen min- utes after. The sloops winch opposed the Eagle had struck sometime before. The galiies all pulled off and escaped excepting three, which were reported to have sunk. According to the Commodore's letter, the ac- tion lasted without intermission, two hour- ami twenty minutes. The Saratoga, suffered most, having receiv- ed the heavy fire of the Confiancc : of 52 men killed, she lost 28, and out of 58 wounded on board our fleet, she had 29. The British lost 84 killed and 1 10 wound- ed, most of the enemy's shot passed through the rig- ging, and as Captain Macdonough reports, there were not 20 whole hammocks in the nettings after the action. The Saratoga had fifty five round shot in tier hull, the Confiance one hundred and five. The fruits of this vic- tory were more than four hundred prisoners 11,800 Ibs. powder, 85,000 cannon ball, 6000 muskets, GOO suits sailors clothing, besides all the witter clothing of the whole of their land army. The effects of this triumph were more important in determining the issue of the war than any that had preceded it. Sir George, with his whole army, stood anxious spectators of the actior, and as soon as the result was shown, instantly made preparations to retreat. This he effected in a precipi- 11* 118 tate manner, during the following night, assisted by a heavy fog, which is common at this season in the vicini- ty of the lakes. It is due to General Macomb to state that he display- ed great prudence and firmness in repelling the attacks of a powerful force for several successive clays, and in keep- ing the enemy ignorant of the sickly state of his troops, and to the forces under his command, that they acted on all occasions with the most determined bravery. By the hasty retreat of Sir George, the enemy suffered an immense loss in the munitions of war which he left behind : vast quantities of provisions left and destroyed, bomb shells, intrenching tools, cannon ball, grape shot, ammunition, flints, tents and marques. The loss of the British in the several actions with the garrison amount- ed to 368 killed 494 wounded 252 prisoners (taken on the retreat) besides about 800 deserters. The loss of the Americans was only 37 killed and (32 wounded. We now return for a moment to the hero of Cham- plain. After the action, he appeared to be almost the only person, on either side who did not feel the effect of victory; his solicitude for the wounded on board his O'.vn and the enemy's fleet, hushed every exulting im- pulse of the heart, arising from the thought of having bravely conquered. lie, like the gallant Perrv, proved by Ills noble and generous conduct, that humanity is the choicest diamond that glitters in the crown of the vic- tor. This is not the language of adulation ; it is a representation of fact, but too faintly drawn. The splendor of his own triumph was forgotten to give place to feelings of sympathy for the fute of the gallant Cap- tain Downie, whose fortune it was to lose his life with the battle j and his heart was moved in humble grati* 119 lude towards the Great Father of mercies, and asked, why hast thou thus made us to differ ? In offering these remarks, it would be invidious to confine their application exclusively to the heroes of Erie and Champlain. The praise of this exalted virtue is equally due to every American commander, on whose temples Neptunian Mars has placed the wreath of vic- tory. The lethargic indifference of the general government to measures of defence, invited the concentrated pow- ers of the enemy to another quarter. Soon after the abortive attack near Baltimore, the enemy collected his forces in the Chesapeake, and a considerable amount consisting of transports carrying about 10,000 troops with several frigates, sloops of war and gun-boats put out to sea. These were soon joined by a reinforce- ment from the West Indies. Notwithstanding the great notoriety of these movements, New-Orleans was still left in a most defenceless condition. At the time that the forces of the enemy entered the Missisippi, if the reports of respectable citizens of New-Orleans may be credited, there was not ammunition enough in the city, to furnish her own militia. As soon as government were apprised of the intentions of the enemy, they gave orders to the Governors of Kentucky, Tennessee and Orleans to call out the militia and direct their march for that city. General Andrew Jackson was ordered to re- pair thither immediately and take the command. If any praise is due to government for selecting this officer, it would be ungenerous to withhold it, for certainty no commander could have been appointed who would have discharged the arduous duty committed to his manage- ment wUU greater ability and decision. He found a 120 very few troops in the city of any description, and those that came in from the country were mostly without arms, and all without discipline. He had literally an army to manufacture out of the raw material. His presence, however, inspired confidence, and after issu- ing several spirited general orders he brought the citi- zen-militia to some kind of subordination. The diffi- cult navigation of the Missisippi rendered the progress of the enemy slow. About the 20th of December they made their appearance at a pass in the river, called the Rigolets, when an attack was made upon our gun- boats which were taken, and dispersed. The event gave the enemy command of Lake Borgne, and ena- bled him to choose his point of attack. On the 23d of December the British shewed themselves, to the number of 3000 about six miles below the city. General Jack- son met them with a force of 1500 men, and the action commenced about 7 o'clock, P. M. General Coffin was ordered to turn his right on the river, while General Jackson attacked his strong position on the left. The schooner Caroline, Commodore Patterson, gave the sig- nal of attack from the River, by firing into the enemy^s camp, when one general onset was made with such fury that the enemy gave way in every direction. General Jackson took about 60 prisoners and remained all night on the field of battle. In the morning he took a strong position about two miles nearer the city. On the 8th of January the British made preparations for a general attack. Their design appeared to be, to storm the position of General Jackson with two strong- columns, advancing on his right and left. The Ameri- cans reserved their fire until the enemy approached sufficiently near, when they opened a steady, deliberate 121 and deadly discharge of musketry, which cut down their columns and brought them to a stand. After breasting their fire for about an hour, the enemy retir- ed in confusion. The vast disproportion of loss on this occasion, will ever form a theme of astonishment to those who recollect that the invading army was chiefly composed of the veterans who had conquered in Spain, and that they were opposed by less than half their number of militia collected from all parts of the country, wholly undisciplined, and unused to defending breastwork, and resisting a regular attack. The Bri- tish loss was killed 700, wounded 1400, prisoners 562. While the Americans lost only 15 killed and 6 wound- ed. The Kentucky and Tennessee riflemen fought on this occasion with great bravery. Accustomed to the rifle from their infancy, their aim was deliberate, se- vere, and deadly. They fought behind immense piles of pressed bales of Cotton, which effectually resisted the fire of the enemy. The British lost on this occasion, their commander in chief, General Packenham, and two Major Generals Kean and Gibbs, who were mortal- ly wounded. The issue of this battle proved the pow- er of the Americans to defend themselves, while it be- trayed the weakness and incapacity of our Cabinet. The government have indeed manifested some symp- toms of a desire to take the praise of it to themselves, by endeavoring to identify, the defence of New-Orleans and our triumph on the water, with the war itself and calling it glorious; but they have only partially suc- ceeded ; and there is much truth as well as point in the remark of General Jackson, that to Heaven and our own exertions the success is to be ascribed." 122 To Amercians it is a subject of just exultation to re- flect that they have yet many characters of great pro- mise, whose distinguished worth this war has exhibited to view, how much soever they may lament the late shameful and unprofitable contest which called them into action. Among these they will ever reckon the name of JACKSON, as pre-eminent among those, who have a high claim on their gratitude for his important services, and so long as he may be spared to enjoy his well earned fame, to him may we look with confidence, should the cause of his country again summon him to the post of duty. CHAPTER XII. REMARKS OP THE HISTORIAN GLOOMY CONDITION OF UNCLE SAM'S AFFAIRS FAMILY MEETING RESULT OP THEIR DELIBERATIONS TREATY OF PEACE WHIMSI- CAL CONDUCT AND OPINIONS OF UNCLE SAM RESPECT- ING IT THE ACCOUNT BALANCED REFLECTIONS ON WASHINGTON'S AND JEFFERSON'S ADMINISTRATIONS ON OPPOSITION CONCLUSION. The picture and the shade are now before us- The defence of New-Orleans, noble indeed of itself, gathers fresh tints and graces by being contrasted with the Washington Hegira. At home, in the midst of their resources, cannon, shot, tent-poles, molasses and vine- gar enough ; sufficient warning of the approach of the enemy, wind-catridges already made, proclamations by the ream already printed ; yet alas ! the city must be abandoned. The archives of the nation, her public buildings, library, the emblems of her sovereignty, the proud memorials of her many triumphs, all, all aban- doned to the gothic clutches of a rapacious enemy. Of Jackson and his brave companions in danger, it might be said in the words of the poet, furor armamin- istrat ; but of our paiidcc matres at the seat of govern- ment, we must reverse the apopthegm and say arma ministrabant furor ibus : the arms of the enemy indeed furnished them with the madness of fear. Is there an American heart unwounded at the recollection ! Or have we lost all distinction between virtue and vice. 124 Has the torrent of national disgrace, that has so copi- ously flowed for the last ten years, decompounded and washed away that adamantine isthmus, which separat- ed honor from infamy ? Has a repetition of the act of bowing our necks, with a sinic servility, to the burden of sliame, neutralized our feelings and blunted our per- ceptions ! Why did not the verdant sod that covers the ashes of Washington burst asunder. But no ! Had his pale ghost met the shameless fugitives with the stern upbraidings of a seraph, they would have dodged re- gardless along, " let us live to enjoy our offices'' would have been the answer. Thus ended the farce of taking Canada in six weeks, of bringing the " enemy on his marrow bones." So much for paper courage and ter- rapin gallantry. It must be confessed, that the enemy had a fair specimen of Cabinet intrepidity Moles' eyes, wooden-leg's, leaden crutches, when danger is to be sought for, but when there is any running to do, aye, then we see the speed of the dromedary, the wings of the eagle. " Prudence, said FalstafF, is the better part of valor." So thought our wise ones so acted our valiant ones. Even goose creek mars, the god of war, " sacked up" his dotard bones in a skin which at times had betrayed every sinful passion but sliame, and gave manly chace to his valiant file-leaders. " Did it burn," said a tender mother to her son when some powder flashed in the pan ? no madam, but it smells so ! smell .' yes, it shall smell to Europe to Lilliput ! to posterity ! And how did Uncle Sam, high-minded patriot, relish the conduct of his servants on this occasion ? Oh, he accepted a Phillippic from the mouth of the Chief Stew- ard, at the next fami.'y meeting, as a full atonement for the desertion of his favorite city. A bladder of angry 125 wind, let off with dignified violence against John BuB, was received as full satisfaction for all that had happen- ed. And as for the loss of honor, it was agreed by all, tiiat the saving of so many valuable lives, was an am- pie equivalent. The Avise and the great ones congratu- lated each other that although they had lost their icovd- tn, they had saved their real offices. f " One may steal a horse, while another is hanged for looking over a hedge." Count Scratch-us-off was tried for his life for a far less offence than giving up the city of Washington to pillage and flames, and received par- don from the same power that explained away this shameful transaction with an Aphaletical discharge of wind. But now came on the season when the family must aiain meet to deliberate on measures for the gen- eral good. It was not, perhaps, the most pleasant meet- ing that ever took pla*:c. Her ladyship looked a little s*our ; before her eyes were the ruins of her noble resi- dence ; her drawing room, where so many fine plans had been formed, was no more. As this misfortune, how- ever, had been so much a matter of her own .seeking, she thought best to bear it with the best practicable grace. The Chief Steward, the Chief Clerk, Mars Fugitivus, and Neptumis Minor, all accommodated themselves with private lodgings. We have seen the prospect immedi- ately before their noses : what was it abroad ? Dark clouds on the North, West, and East : The strong box empty : the army wasted by sickness : our frontiers threatened in every direction. But, what was worst of all, our friend Nap in confinement on the Island of El- ba. This " Wonderful man," as Mr. Gerry once call- ed him, bound over to his good behaviour, and his splen- did fortunes razeed down to the condition of a private 12 120 citizen. His corsairs could no longer burn and destroy our vessels and imprison our seamen : no longer drain us of our " surplus cash," which once so vexed the phi- losophical head of the rnan of Monticello. No more could our friend Nap give us his advice with respect to our affairs, which was always the more grateful ^ as it was generally conveyed in an authoritative style. But it was no time for whining ; a closet Conference was called, at which all the friends of war were invited. The first thing to be done was to fill up the army and make some fresh attempts at loans. The Chief Clerk having turned project-monger, submitted a plan for re- cruiting, the substance of which he had taken from the regulations of Nap, and which in the country of its birth was called Conscription. To give it the cast of origi. nality, it was thought best to name it anew and term it Classification. In favor of it, it was urged that some- thing must be done immediately to keep up the spirits of Uncle Sam ; and this method possessed many advan- tages over the old plan for recruiting ; as it took away from the recruit, the troublesome right of free agency, by which such tedious delay was produced. The re- cruit would in this case know at once what .to do and would not stand stammering and bantering with the re- cruiting officer, until the enemy was at our backs. This project gained the approbation of all present, and was therefore ordered to lie on the table that its advocates might have a little time to lie it into popularity. Meanwhile it was thought best to new-vamp the old system and give it fresh vigor, by offering more bounty and higher wages, this would keep the attention of Un- cle Sam from prying with a mischievous curiosity into Iris jnoney concerns j for it would be an obvious pro- 127 sumption that lie was still rich, if he was able to shake his purse at new expenditures. Neither was the low state of the strong box any objection to this measure, for since promises had become a sine qua non, in all mo- ney concerns, they had so far become the national cur- rency, as to be the only coin receivable by Uncle Sam's creditors. To give greater facility to this new project, a most lucky thought catered the head of some one, which was incorporated with the projected amendment, and which WAS no less than to augment the number of candidates for enlistments, by declaring boys and mi- nors of all descriptions whether in the condition of pa- rental tutelage, apprentices or wards, eligible to the of- fice and dignity of soldiers. In support of this meas- ure, it was agreed that those who were of age .to reflect, or had conic to years of discretion, knew so much about the war and the management of it, that they were back- ward about enlisting; that to address the mind of man in its most giddy and thoughtless period, when the brains were unsettled, or had not yet begun to grow, the chance of success would be much greater. For it was consid- ered as a settled point that silent votes, and the previous question) would reason down every thing except the fear of danger, and the power of the enemy, and could rea- son up almost any thing except cash in propria persona. This measure, met, as was expected, with violent oppo- sition from Tom Boston, as it passed the formula of debate in presence of the heads of families; but it was adopted. Codline, Saybrook and Spinyarn, patriarch- al governors of Tom's dominions passedTsevcn decree.- against it, and threatened to flog any boy who entered the army without the consent of his parents, master or Guardian and also enacted severe penalties against those 128 were instrumental in enticing them away. These fellows, had the impudence to quote a certain passage from an old musty record, which directs children to ' Honor their father and niotlter that their days niay be long on the land &c." pretending to infer from t-his ffiat running away from parents without leave first had and obtained, to engage in 4; glorious- war/' to conquer (no body knew what,) was disobeying and consequently dishonoring parents. The measure at first, appeared a little high-handed to the true 'blt;ef, to the advocates for (he war, who were not ia a situation to take a view ef the whole ground. But it was soon shrewdly whisper- ed in their ears thai IliC fathers of such had manfully re- sisted every enticement to enlist, and shown themselves proof against every allurement to the field of danger, that It was probable that all their sons were true begot- ten in this respect, or if it otherwise happened, it would he easy to blow a little of the Bladensburgh panic into their tender breast?, which would be sufficient to em- bargo them in the paternal kitchen, until the war w::s over. But ia ihc wi id it of this cogitation-fever and project- labor, in popt a messenger with a treaty of PEACE, which it appeared liud been signed at Ghent, on the 24th of December preceding. Ye invisible beings, of musriuito penetration, whose eyes discern the motion of every nerve and muscle in man, relate, how many a heart that had been long de- pressed with fear, began to bound with hope and dance with exultation. Relate, how the sluggish blood which long since retreated to the hiding places of the heart, began from this moment to crawl along the clogged 129 reins, and resume its wonted office in the several sys- tems of the assembled great ones. Within a few hours, all was confusion about the Wig- wam. A host of whiskered gentry were seen dodging out and in and multitudes crowded around to know what the treaty contained. The mob were soon informed that it would be good manners for them to wait until Uncle Sam had first heard it. The long table was drawn out, and the Bladensburgh noblesse seated themselves around. Sangrado, as his duty was, stood behind Un- cle Sam's chair in waiting. The Chief Steward having commanded silence, bade the Chief Clerk stand up and read the treaty. Chief Clerk reads. " His Britannic Majesty and the United States of America, being desirous of terminat- ing the war which has unhappily subsisted between the two countries" Uncle Sam. Hold Sir. It is of no use to read all that, preamble, I'll take my pocket-book and call for the matter as I want it. In the first place let me ask, how many articles have you in that thing it looks long quite a large paper. Chief Clerk. Eleven Articles Sir. Uwle Sam. Eleven, aye- What ! eleven, why that's more than we wanted. I have a memorandum of only six in my pocket-book. Now begin with the first arti- cle; that renounces forever his illegal blockades, I sup^ pose. Chief Clerk. No Sir, that relates to making Peace Unde Sain. Peace, Peace r no need of that, war ceas- es of itself, when we leave off fighting : When we run away from the enemy ; aye, Jacques ? 13* 130 Chief Steward- Why Sir, having declared war in due form, it was necessary we should declare peace with as much formality. Uncle Sam. Aye, very well, read on, come, the Block- ades f Chief Clerk. The second article speaks of ratifying the treaty, and the time in which hostilities shall be con- sidered as having ceased, with respect to the captures of vessels on the high seas. This article is a necessary consequence of the preceding. Uncle Sam. Oh, very well, go on. Chief CUrk. Article third treats of the exchange of Prisoners. Uncle Sam. Very well, reed on. Chief Cleric. Articles fourth and fifth treat of running boundary lines anew. Uncle Sam. Boundary lines, what ? Oh, aye so as to take in Canada I suppose, very well, read on. Come the Blockades 1 I have my thumb on it. Chief Clerk. Articles seventh and eighth refer to boundaries also. Uncle Sam. What, what, boundaries again, more ter- ritory ! Sangrado, we shall have to make you Governor yet. Chief Steward, (aside.) D n that Pocket-book, I" wish it was burnt. Chief Clerk. Article ninth relates to hostilities with the Indian tribes. Article tenth treats of the abolition of the Slave trade. The last article relates to the mu- tual obligation of the Treaty on both the contracting powers. Uncle Sam. What ! what, have we not obtained a sin- gle, thing we have been fighting for ? What docs all thj .- 131 mean ? Boundaries, Ratifications, Indians, Slaves, obli- gations ? what, we didn't go to war for this trumpery ! Blockade's, Sailors' rights, John Henry, what ! have we no redress, what ? Chief Steward. Oh yes, my dear sir, we have obtaia- ed all we contended for. The blockades and orders in council are much the same thing. Bull rescinded his orders in council long since. With regard to sailor's rights he is dismissing his own sailors now, and sure when he has more sailors than he knows what to da with, he can liave no motive to take ours : and with re- gard to John Henry, we have taken our satisfaction in playing the same game with Bull at a much greater rate, so that we may sett off even in that respect. Besides we have acquired immortal honor in this war : look at the exploits of our Navy and the defence f New-Orleans, the defence of Fort Meigs and Ston- aington, the capture of Little York and the battle of Chippewa. The honor we have obtained alone, would well recompense us for all the charges of the war. Uncle Sam. Exploits of the Navy .' you must give Tom Boston credit for that. His brave tars have achieved every victory, that has been gained. Surely you won't have the brass to boast of the exploits of tl>e Navy. Have you forgotten that you have been the- deadly enemies of a navy all your days ? That you turned Tom out of office for building it ? Sangrado give me a glass of your Whiskey with a few of your Lethean drops in it I grow faint. W r hile the Squire was administering the balsam of forgetfulness to the war-sick Knight, in conies the Chief Scribe of the strong box with a huge bundle ow 1ii back. No Jew-Pedlar ever trudged beneath a hea- 132 vier load ; down goes the budget, when the scribe began to pull out and unrol a paper of much greater Longitude than Latitude, when the Knight with his usual importu- nity began to ask what he had what it meant ? The Chief Scribe replied that it was an account Current, of his honors receipts and expenditures during the war. Aye said Uncle Sam, read it let us hear how it sounds, don't be tedious now, just give us the round numbers, don't descend to the particular items. Chief Scribe. The whole amount of expenditures, is two hundred millions of dollars ; for which we have in return, experience in the art of war, say fifty millions- The increased value of our Navy and Fortifications, say fifty millions more. Then there's the Glory we have acquired, no one will deny is worth at least one hundred millions more, and this balances the account. Uncle Sam. Aye then we have done well 5 we have the Peace, the Boundary lines, the pacification of the Indian tribes, and the ratifications as all clear gain neat profits^ aye Sangrado ? we've done very well, aye ? Sangrado, But then we have lost Moose Island. Uncle Sam. Aye,' Moose Island, what is that worth ? What are a few roods of earth, to a whole continent of fame! But what a strange thing is war ! How magical, how potent in its operations ! By two or three years of war, blockades become ratifications. Sailors rights boundaries ! And John Henry's plots are transmuted into abolition of the slave trade. Aye, but there's the Glory, that's the choicest part of the whole. Well, then I suppose I may take this bundle, and use it as occasion requires ; What papers are all these, so nicely folded which I see here in the " Sacks mouth.' 9 Aye, Glory Bills ! Drafts at sight, on immortality. Wonderful met- 133 arnorphosis .' in farmer times we used to call just such things as these Tax Bills, but Tempora mittantiir, times are changed. During these transactions her ladyship and Sangrado expressed by significant smiles, their pleasure at seeing the complete delusion of Uncle Sam. Sangrado im- puted it to the draught of Philosophic nectar which he had administered to him. As Eneas, the Trojan prince, shouldered the shield on whose surface the fortunes of all his- posterity were represented, so our Hero lifted the portentous ludget on his shoulders amidst the mobocratic shouts of" glorious v.ar ;" little reflecting on the bitter sequel of its contents regardless of the past as unconscious of the future. So nations pass down the beguiling stream of fate, the evil genius of the demagogue cries out " Breakers," and hurries them along until they have shot the " impassable gulpV when they look back with useless astonishment, and v/onder how they came there. In a free govern- ment, the frequent recurrence of the elective power to the will of the people, would, if that will were well in- formed and unbiassed, ever prove a sufficient barrier against the efforts of a despot on the one hand, and the intrigues of the demagogue on the other. As in an ab- solute government, the Tyrant breaks the natian into factions, and attaches the least obnoxious and most powerful of them to his cause ; so in a republican state! factions are created by ambitious, designing and crafty individuals, who hold up the public welfare as their sole object, an.d make the most ardent and disinterested pro- fessions. In the former case, the Monarch is the tyrant, in the latter the prevailing faction. Under these cir- cumstances, when oppression reaches a definite point, 134 the choice of the weary and suffering multitude, usually settles down between the terminable ambition and mea- sured revenge of an individual, and the inexorable ma- lice of an incensed multitude. No class of men of whatever party, can have any claim to the character of Statesmen, who have not a regular plan, some uniform system, the operations of which extend beyond the temporary exigences of the moment, and which in no case can contravene those principles, which form the basis of the government. Washington had a plan of finance general and uniform in its operations- The exceptions urged against some of its features, even then served, in the eyes of correct statesmen only to strengthen their conviction of its wis- dom and its Justice j but it may be said with triUl:,that in putting the complex machine into operation, he was greatly assisted by that great statesman, Mr. Hamilton, whose profound and comprehensive viev.'S, v/cre as ad- mirably adapted to the exigences of that important cri- sis, as his principles and his integrity were p;re and ir- reproachable. His impartial policy toward the difier- ent states of Europe, at an epoch more difficult than any we have since witnessed, kept us from being em- broiled in their destructive conflicts. A different course of policy under the two last administrations toward these same nations, has written the wisdom of Wash- ington in characters of blood, on the history of our country. Washington knew that we were a commercial people, and he acted from that conviction. He saw a produc- tive revenue arising from the multiplied operations of Commerce. He felt that in protecting Commerce, lie fostered Agriculture, To this end, he never ceased to recommend the gradual creation of a navy. His suc- cessor followed his example, until popular clamor silenc- ed his efforts. Here then comes the awful chasm in our road to independence to that independence on the smiles or the fiov.ns of other nations, which whensoever occasion may demand, shall place us beyond the reach of their intrigues or their power. The Washington policy with respect to a navy, sterns now fully justified. Political folly and wickedness has furnished the occa- sion ; and over-ruling necessity has forever established the doctrine " that a poweif.il naval armament is essen- tial to the independence of this country." Nor has the correctness of the Washington system of finance and of revenue, been less the subject of historical demon- stration. A direct tax was once reprobated from a principle of idle fear of a possible evil ; it is now tole- rated in a threefold pressure, as a necessary act to remedy past icickedness and acknowledged folly. A standing army once p esented a frightful bugbear to philosophic del.cacy : it is now the harmless and ra- tional armor of freemen, as little dangerous as the fowl- ing piece of a gunner, or the rifle of a back-woodsman. Such are the strong colored results of our party strug- gles during an experiment of fifteen years. When de- monstration takes the place of argument, truth is hon- ored, although in the minority. History will look wiih peculiar complacency on the measures of Washington, and her approving criticism will fasten with delight on his extensive and liberal plans, at a crisis when ex- periment was dangerous, and miscarriage destruction. Could truth record the same decision with regard to the policy of his successors, the advocates for heredi- tary governments, and limited monarchies, would even 136 at this early period of our history, be almost compel- led to yield the argument in favor of our republican form, even on the score of experience. But unhappily Mr. Jefferson's ambition prompted him to aspire to the chief Magistracy, with more regard to the efficiency of the measures, necessary for the attainment of his ob- ject, than delicacy with respect to the morality of those measures, or the awful effect they were to have on our political institutions, and the public mind. In comparison with the many distinguished charac- ters whose important services at that period, claimed the reward of national gratitude, Mr. Jefferson stood but a slender chance. His revolutionary services were iittle more than votive and nominal. His hostility to the oppressive measures of the parent state which pro- duced the rupture, was rather the effect of hatred, than the result of principle. His courage and Jinnnea were purely of the theoretical cast, as the hour of trial abur.- .danlly proved.* He came into office, therefore with his head full of projects and his heart of promises. For it was plain that the less he had already done, the more he was bound to offer. The more brilliant the career of his predecessors, so much the higher must rise his profes- sions of attachment to the public welfare. And in this part of his duty public expectation was not disappoint- ed. He had no sooner entered on the duties of his of- fice, than he began to be rapidly delivered of his nume- rous Jdnd wishes for the general good. Economy was his favorite measure ; and this he carried to such a lu- dicrous extent that the " ears even of the groundlings'" This alludes to his well known flight to Carter's mountain. isr "vere split with his applause. To such an extravagant Jegree did he carry this darling measure, that it almost fixed the period for its own destruction. Discarding any expenditures for coast or maritime defence, it in- vited foreign aggression and insult : exposed us to the liberal contempt and ridicule of evey petty maritime state in Europe, and laid in the course of events, the foundation of that scandalous Terrapin system, which consummated our shame and plunged us into war. His gun boat system, that ridiculous monument of hu- man foliy, outlived ah 1 his other schemes. But it exist- ed from necessity, as the only surviving partner of the navy ; it now forms one of the discarded items of phi- losophic weakness. His dry-dock plan scarcely survi- ved the christening ; and his Canal-project was still- born. Public contempt has fixed the fate of economy for the present, from which the famous Gnu-boat sys- tem finds a refuge only by its insignificance. Both these experiments have been very costly to the nation : the expenses of the gun-boat scheme, although immense have been paid off, and are no longer felt; but we are doomed to taste the bitter fruits of Jefferson's economy for ages to come. But still asks the enquirer, nre not parties useful in a republican government ? They are, most certainly when opposition is the result of attach- ment to measures and not to men, Its efforts then serve to make the ruling party watchful only for the public welfare ; not watchful to retain their offices. But an opposition formed on corrupt principles and from de- praved motives, tends to deprave the ruling party, by conforming its measures of defence to those of attac 7 :.- Why then, and on what principles does the opposition to the present administration continue r Wr nnswrr :- 19 Because the present ruling party, when in the mino- rity first receded from the main body; they declar- ed their recession indeed to be the result of principle, of attachment to measures and not to men ; are declared the motive a corrupt one. A revolution of fifteen years has brought us exactly back to the same ground, -with respect to measures ; yet their attachment to men con- tinues ; not to men as merely belonging to the party ; but to the very men who first seduced that party from its allegiance and whose experiments have Cost the na- tion so many millions and so many lives. If ycfti con- demn the treason, why do you retain the traitor in your service ? But the traitor has reformed say you. Not on yow hypothesis ; he has apostatized from all the pro- fessions he has ever made. He has declared by his conduct that he became a partisan from corrupt mo- tives, that he has continued so from corrupt motives un- til he had brought his Country to the brink of bank- ruptcy and ruin ; aud now to reward him for changing his principles, even when this change comes from the depraved purpose of saving his office, we are called on to give him our caresses and suffrages. Let the refor- mation be complete j if the Ostracism of the revolu* tionary patriots were an error, which is acknowledged defacto, recall them- If you cannot restore the stolen goods and wasted property, punish the thief if you cannot punish the thief, dismiss him from your service. Do not retain him merely to gratify your malice against those who have committed no other crime than endeavoring to prosecute the offender and bring him to justice. If it is bowing too much to vote for a man of political opin- ions opposite to your own ? give your support to the 139 Jeust exceptionable of your own party ; to those if you can find them, whose hands are not polluted with the peculation of the public treasure, and not stained witli blood. " Oh ! you say, all men are imperfect ; it is all the love of office ; there is no such thing as disinter- ested patriotism oa earth j men are governed wholly by selfishness." This consequence you infer from your disappointment with respect to the men whom you have supported so long ; and perhaps also from the univer- sal indifference manifested towards the late war. In the first instance you beg the question by drawing a general inference from a particular case ; and in the second, the experiment was an unfair one. Washing- ton, Hamilton, Patrick Henry, Warren, Montgomery, and many others were Patriots; (yet they all aspired to renown and were, in a certain sense, selfish,') and their names will appear on the page of history as pat- riots, long after the bickering of the present time shall be laid asleep, and on the same page the names oi* those privileged wretches who have tortured the nation with experiments, for fifteen years, will be recorded only as demagogues and as beacons for the warning of posterity. We must now retire from the didactic to the his- toric department of our closing duty. The faithful Squire, at the promulgation of the treaty found himself saddled with the heaviest task that had ever yet beeu laid on him. It was indeed a bitter pill for high mind- ed war hawks to swallow. But the doctor knew his pa- tient. Her Ladyship, notwithstanding her seeming good cheer, was not the happiest personage in the fami- ly. The Chief Steward carried not a fig for the con- clusion of the farce, so might he save but his office. - It becomes us to naticc a remarkable change in Uncle 140 Sam's Lady. She has lately discarded all her forme* notions of parsimony and philosophic whims of econo- my, and has most graciously bestowed on herself a ve-" ry splendid Salary, and whereas, formerly her family servants received only six dollars per diem, they now receive fifteen hundred, for each entertainment or levee she holds, to see company. Some have feared that these- high wages would make her servants too inde- pendent and lazy and wit hall too proud to do the work >f the kitchen and keep the dishes in order; but it must be recollected thai since madan; has very kindly taken on herself the duty of electing the Chief Steward, and in fact discharges the functions of two offices, she is cer- tainly entitled to a stipend commensurate with her labors- The Squire is a person of some acuteness and never :"-; troubled with scruples of conscience. lie did not lose the Governor-ship of Canada, for he never had it, oven in expectation. He is one of those tii'istical and f icittalle beings, who can always serve all occasions, .sail in all winds, and blow hot and cold, wet and dry th rough the same whistle. SONG, By the Squire. FULL of valor, full of fire For honor did our hero pant ; Sangrado was his faithful squire, Democracy his Rozinante. With wind and types to storm a foe. No warrior e'er could beat him ; And if towar'd danger ne'er he'd go. No danger sure could meet him.. 141 If Bull again, his head should shw, With slander we'll berate him j And if we cannot kill the foe, We'll tan his hide verbatim. And what's the use to storm and rave, That Canada's not taken ? The attempt we've made, alike doth save Our credit and our bacon. We've conquer'd office, reason, shame, Fought truth and conscience down; Drain'd the last cent from Uncle Sam, And turn'd him on the Town. And what could Jacks and Jemmies do, To save a falling City ? But stay and have their hearts borM through With bullets ! What a pity ! A living dog to lion dead, King Solomon prefers ; And he for fame that gives his head, 'Gainst fame hath shut his ears. Some say that glory here below, Is transient in its nature ; Our Tax-Collectors yet shall show, 'Tis form'd of solid matter. Economy was once the toast, When we were leagu'd with Bony ; But Uncle Sam has turn'd Jack tar, And now he spends his money. 142 With Salt our glory-fund we use, Our Clothing, Sugar, Rum, Nor shall our children's children lose The boon for years to come. Bone of our bone shall glory be, A debt redeeming trophy : Our Ladies sip it in their tea, And we, in Punch and Coffee. 'Till glory breed us valiant sons, And yet unbreathing Beauties j The Tax Direct shall form their bones,. Their Jlesh^ the Impost duties. t- M77406 THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY