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 1^
 
 
 THE PHIL MAY ALBUM
 
 "f^.L KA/ ^1 
 
 BLOWING A CLOUD
 
 THE 
 
 PHIL MAY 
 ALBUM 
 
 COLLECTED BY 
 
 AUGUSTUS M. MOORE 
 
 HETHUEN & CO. 
 
 36 ESSEX STREET, W.C. 
 
 LONDON 
 
 1900
 
 EDMUND EVANS 
 
 PRINTER 
 
 RACQUET COURT 
 
 FLEET STREET
 
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 BLOWING A CLOUD . 
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 THE LEGITIMATE . 
 
 A QUESTION OF HOSE 
 
 FALLEN GREATNESS . 
 
 "NOT GOLDEN, BUT GILDED 
 
 THE TEMPTATION OF ANTHONY 
 
 ON THE BRAIN: THE QUEEN ANI 
 
 MRS. MARTHA RICKS . 
 
 FATE! 
 
 ON THE BRAIN : H.R.H. AND STIG 
 
 GINS 
 
 THE NOBLE ART . 
 
 ON THE BRAIN: H.R.H. THE DUKE 
 
 OF CAMBRIDGE 
 PRO BONO PUBLICO . 
 ON THE BRAIN : THE DUKE OF 
 
 FIFE 
 
 ACCOMMODATING . 
 
 ON THE BRAIN : THE GERMAN 
 
 EMPEROR .... 
 AT A PROVINCIAL BANQUET 
 ON THE BRAIN: THE DUG D'ORLEANS 
 ALL THE DIFFERENCE 
 THREE MEN IN A BOOT . 
 A FRIEND IN NEED . 
 LIKE A BIRD .... 
 ON THE BRAIN : MRS. ANNIE BESANT 
 AN UPRIGHT COURSE . 
 ON THE BRAIN : MR. HENRY GEORGE 
 A BENEVOLENT CONNOISSEUR 
 ON THE liRAIN : SIR CHARLES EWAN 
 
 S.MITH 
 
 ON THE SANDS 
 
 ON THE BRAIN: MR. GEuRGE GROS 
 
 t.MITH 
 
 PAGR 
 2 
 
 7 
 17 
 18 
 
 19 
 
 20 
 
 21 
 
 22 
 23 
 
 24 
 
 25 
 
 26 
 27 
 
 28 
 29 
 
 3° 
 3' 
 32 
 33 
 34 
 35 
 35 
 36 
 37 
 38 
 39 
 
 40 
 41 
 
 42 
 
 PAGK 
 
 WOMANLY 43 
 
 ON THE BRAIN: MR. ARTHUR 
 
 ROBERTS 44 
 
 OUR CLIM.\TE 15 
 
 ON THE BRAIN: SIR GEORGE 
 
 NEWNES 46 
 
 CHEEK 47 
 
 ON THE BRALN : Sn< GEORGE DIBBS 48 
 
 INFORM.VnON WANTED ... 49 
 ON THE BRAIN: MR. HORACE 
 
 SEDGER 50 
 
 FRENCH, AS SHE IS SPOKE . . 51 
 ON THE BRAIN: THE MARQUIS OF 
 
 QUEENSBERRY 52 
 
 HARD LINES 53 
 
 ON THE BRAIN: MR. W. T. STEAD. 54 
 
 I MUTUAL CONSIDERATION ... 55 
 ! ON THE BRAIN : MR. WILLIAM 
 
 MORRIS 56 
 
 LiRITONS IN PARIS .... 57 
 
 ON THE BRAIN : SIR HENRY PARKES 58 
 
 READY FOR THE BALL ... 59 
 ON THE BRAIN: THE MARQUIS OF 
 
 DUFFERIN AND AVA ... 60 
 
 BEFORE HIS FRIENDS .... 61 
 ON THE BRAIN: SIR AUGUSTUS 
 
 HARRIS . . . • . . . 62 
 
 SAINTLY POLITENESS .... 63 
 ON THE BRAIN : SIR EDWARD 
 
 L.\WSON 64 
 
 "OH, LISTEN TO MY TALE OF 'WO'" 65 
 ON THE BRAIN : MR. RUDYARD 
 
 KIPLING 66 
 
 THE NEW JEW 67 
 
 STREET COMPLIMENTS ... 67 
 
 DEDUCTION .67
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 ON THE BRAIN: SIR WILLIAM V. 
 
 HARCOURT, M.P 68 
 
 THE VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES . 69 
 
 ON THE BRAIN : M. ERNEST RENAN 70 
 
 A PAIR OF SOILED KIDS . , . 71 
 
 LIP 71 
 
 ON THE BRAIN : LORD RANDOLPH 
 
 CHURCHILL 72 
 
 THE CAPE MAIL 73 
 
 ON THE BRAIN : LORD RUSSELL OF 
 
 KILLOWEN 74 
 
 LIMITED 75 
 
 ON THE BRAIN : MR. H. M. STANLEY 76 
 
 INFORMATION 77 
 
 ON THE BRAIN : LORD ALINGTON . 78 
 
 INQUISITIVE 79 
 
 A HOWLING SWELL .... 79 
 ON THE BRAIN: RT. HON. A. J. 
 
 BALFOUR, M.P 80 
 
 AN IDLE FELLOW . . . . . 81 
 ON THE BRAIN: MADAME ADELINA 
 
 PATTI 82 
 
 A GOOD PLACE . . . , . 83 
 
 POODLES 83 
 
 A PLEASANT PROSPECT ... 83 
 ON THE BRAIN: RIGHT HON. W. E. 
 
 GLADSTONE 84 
 
 ON THE SANDS 85 
 
 ON THE BRAIN: THE RIGHT HON. 
 
 JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN, M.P. . 86 
 
 REALISM 87 
 
 ON THE BRAIN : M EMILE ZOLA . 88 
 
 AT THE RIDING SCHOOL . . . 8y 
 
 ON THE BRAIN: LORD TENNVSON 90 
 
 NO CHANCE 91 
 
 A FACT 91 
 
 A PROMINKNT FEATURK . . . 91 
 
 ON THE BRAIN: SIR J. BLUNDELL 
 
 MAPLE, M.P 92 
 
 FORCE OF HABIT 93 
 
 ON THE BRAIN: MR. ALBERT CHE- 
 VALIER 94 
 
 THE UNKINDEST CUT. ... . 95 
 
 DOUBLE SIGHT 95 
 
 PUTTING IT PLAINLY .... 95 
 
 BRIDGET 95 
 
 M. JAQUES 96 
 
 OBVIOUS 97 
 
 MONSIEUR SARDOU .... 98 
 
 PLEASANT MEMORIES .... 99 
 
 ADVICE 99 
 
 A SONG AND A SINGER ... 99 
 ON THE BRAIN : MR. BEERBOHM 
 
 TREE 100 
 
 A NASTY ONE loi 
 
 ON THE BRAIN : GENERAL BOOTH 102 
 
 THE ACCENT ON THE PEG . . 103 
 
 A RECOMMENDATION . ... 103 
 
 PICKSOME 103 
 
 ON THE BRAIN: AN EX-LORD MAYOR 104 
 THE WRONG SHOP . . . .105 
 
 ON THE BRAIN : MR. G. A. SALA . 106 
 BAKERS' STRIKE . . . . .107 
 
 GOING THE PACE 107 
 
 A POSER FOR GRAN'PA . , .107 
 A PRIOR ENGAGEMENT . . .107 
 THE NORTH POLE . . . .108 
 
 SUGGESTIVE 109 
 
 LEG-ISLATION . . . . . . no 
 
 INTELLIGENCE DEPARTMENT . . in 
 
 THE CONSUMING PASSION . . m 
 
 THE DOWN TRAIN . . . . m 
 
 A DISTINCTION n, 
 
 ON THE BRAIN: MR. PUNCH . . 112
 
 PHIL MAY AND HIS ART 
 
 AND now, Mr. Whistler, what about Black and White 
 Art?" said an interviewer. "Black and White Art," 
 said Mr. Whistler, "is summed up in two words — 
 Phil May!" Nor is this merely a New School of Art paradox. 
 It is one which is held by artists of all grades alike, and even 
 by the art editor who professes to know and supply what the 
 public likes. That a youth who nev^er had a lesson in drawing 
 in his life should have earned such a reputation between the 
 ages of seventeen and thirty, and should have gone above men 
 as honoured in their profession as Sir John Tenniel and Mr. 
 George du Maurier, and on a level with Charles Keene, Mr. 
 Abbey and Mr. Gibson, is enough to make Mi*- May's art 
 extremely interesting. But his art is not nearly so instructive as 
 Mr. May himself; he is a human document to the hand of the 
 realist, and the student of heredity — if ever there was one. He 
 has been interviewed in a sketchy fashion by the journalistic 
 Mrs. Mangnall innumerable times; the high-art magazines have 
 added him to their lists of " Our Gra[)hic Humorists, ' " Black 
 and White Artists, ' and " How Caricaturists Draw." The 
 
 7
 
 s INTRODUCTION 
 
 world is familiar with his own grotesque sketches of himself, and, 
 whether he is attired in riding breeches, a straw hat perched 
 on the back of his head, as he drives a coster's cart, or is 
 being flung out of a cab, his long cigar and his hair cut 
 in a bang straight across his forehead, are unchangeable and 
 unmistakeable. The public no doubt thinks that this is only 
 one of Phil May's jokes at his own expense, for the bold 
 Rabelaisian roundness of his humour suggests a man the very 
 reverse of the lean and hungry Cassius. But Phil May's 
 humour does not consist of making fat people thin, thin people 
 fat, exaggerating features, putting big heads upon little legs, 
 and such methods of distortion as we have so often seen 
 resorted to. This we learn from a glance at his home, which 
 is his studio life. 
 
 Mr. May's artistic treasures are none of them the old 
 masters of a millionaire, but purely personal household gods, 
 each with a little story of a friendship, a reminiscence of hard-up 
 times, or some personal taste. The volumes in the old oak 
 book-case are not first editions, but they show a fine apprecia- 
 tion for the best literature, and even the blue china is not wired 
 and hung-up. The drawing-board seems to act as an address- 
 book, and the grandfather's clock by the fireplace in its old 
 age has given up making a nuisance of itself by repeating 
 " For ever, never." The mantelpiece is peopled with little 
 Japanese dolls, little bronzes and brasses, and figures carved 
 in yellow ivory. These, with a few plaster casts of arms and 
 legs which hang on the walls, a line of Japanese prints put 
 around the ceiling " to try an effect," a few Japanese lanterns 
 hanging from the roof, some Japanese lay-figures in armour 
 standing round the walls, and a few sketches, are about all the
 
 PHIL HAY AND HIS ART 9 
 
 decoration of this long sky-lit room. But most important of 
 all is the index to as remarkable a story as was ever told by 
 a successful man, a story which has never been told before. 
 It is only an old mug. The substance is earthenware, the 
 decoration obviously pseudo-oriental, and the design and 
 glaze nothing marvellous. It clearly comes from the English 
 potteries, but it has no mark, and it is certainly not Chelsea, 
 Derby, Yarmouth, Bristol, Lowestoft, or any of the rarer and 
 higher-priced wares. The hand of Wedgwood, Voyez, or 
 Elers is not seen in its design, and, indeed, it is difficult 
 precisely to locate its origin. And yet, it should now take its 
 place in Chaffers and Church who know it not. Our dilemma 
 is solved by Mr. May himself, who seems, in his usual casual 
 modest way, to have attached no importance to it, and who, 
 from subsequent inquiries, has only a very superficial know- 
 ledge which would not satisfy a ceramic maniac, to say nothing 
 of a family historian. " That mug was made," says Mr. May, 
 ** by my grandfather. I don't know much more about him 
 than he knows about me ; but if you are interested in china, 
 you may care for some details which may help you to hunt it 
 up. He was a potter in the Midlands — if you want to be 
 particular, at Snead, in Staffordshire — and, I believe, was 
 fairly well off ; for the design, which is that of. a hunt, was 
 made to commemorate his becoming the master of the local 
 hounds. If you say that his name is not given in any of the 
 handbooks, I am sure you are right ; but all I know is, the 
 firm, whatever it was called, came to grief owing to the war — 
 and I can't tell you what war ; but it was not the China war." 
 Here the student of heredity will discern the rude germ of 
 tl^.e artistic temperament which has so developed in the third
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 generation. ' It was in the interests of the hereditary artistic 
 strain that Mr. May was induced to tell the story. He is not 
 so impressed as are many people with the necessity of having 
 a grandfather, and knows no more about him than is related 
 above. Mr. May's father was apprenticed as an engineer to 
 George Stephenson, and worked in the drawing office of the 
 great engineer at Newcastle, where he met his wife. She was 
 a Miss Macarthy, and her father was Eugene Macarthy, who 
 belonged to an old theatrical family connected with the man- 
 agement of the New Theatre, Wolverhampton. An old bill 
 on satin struck to commemorate a " Bespeak " performance, 
 "under the distinguished patronage of Lord Wrottesley," 
 gives Eugene Macarthy as playing Lord Tinsel in The Hunc/i- 
 backy and Jenkins, in Gretna Green; or, The Biter Bit, on 
 Friday, May 9th, 1845. In this bill Mr. James Bennett was 
 the Master Walter ; H. Lacy the Modus; Mrs. W. Rignold 
 the Julia, and Miss Fanny Wallack, Helen. 
 
 Mr. May's father was unlucky in life.. He started a brass- 
 foundry, but, as your host puts it, his partner cleared off with 
 all the brass ; and a consultinor-enmneer business was not much 
 more satisfactory. Mr. Phil May was born in 1864, shortly 
 after the collapse of the brass-foundry, at Wortley, an outlying 
 manufacturing district of Leeds. His father died when he 
 was nine years old, and his schooldays, as he tells you, com- 
 menced early in the School Board era. At that time the new 
 officials were very alert, so he had one year's scholastic educa- 
 tion. He was a little delicate fellow, and was made a butt of 
 by the other boys ; and he was the victim of many practical 
 jokes. 
 
 " My artistic career," Mr. May tells you, "may be said to
 
 PHIL HAY AND HIS ART 
 
 have begun when I was about twelve, at whlcli time the Grand 
 Theatre, Leeds, opened. The local scene-painter was a man 
 called Fox, a brother of Charles Fox, and I became acquainted 
 with his son, who helped to mix the distemper. Young Fox and 
 other boys called Ford, Sammy Stead, and I used to rehearse 
 pantomimes. Our stage was a back street, and our scenery 
 was designed with a stick in the gutter ; but we omitted 
 nothing. The star-traps were all marked out, and we made 
 our descents by flinging ourselves on our faces in the muddy 
 road. I was always a sprite, and carried ' The Book of Fate,' 
 which had a prominent place in all our pantomimes." 
 
 Mr. May used to sketch sections of other people's designs 
 of costumes for use in the ward-robe room, and eventually got 
 to designing comic dresses and suggestions for masks and 
 make-ups in the property-room. This brought him orders for 
 actor's portraits, for which he received at first a shilling, and 
 later five shillings. Remuneration bred independence, and he 
 took to living with three or four other boys, their lodgings costing 
 five shillings a- week. After a year or two of this life, the late 
 Fred Stimpson, who had a travelling burlesque company, 
 engaged May to play small parts and do six sketches every 
 week to serve as window-bills in the various small towns they 
 visited. His remuneration was twelve shilhngs-a week, and 
 on this he lived for two or more years. After that, about 1878, 
 he got an engagement to draw for a small local comic journal, 
 called The Yorkshire Gossip, which died after four weeks. In 
 1882 Mr. May was engaged to design the dresses for the 
 Leeds pantomime, and flushed with success, or sickened with 
 the squalid hand-to-hand life he had led since he was a boy — 
 he was then a full-grown man of seventeen — he made up his
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 mind to burn his boats and come to London, and there he 
 became a tragedian. His finances consisted of one sovereign. 
 Fifteen shillings and five-pence halfpenny bought him a third- 
 class ticket, and vanity and temptation cost him four shillings 
 and sixpence at the Gaiety Bar. " But what," he adds, " did 
 it all matter ? I was in London — the lap of luxury. I remem- 
 bered my aunt, Mrs. Hanner, who had married again, an actor 
 called Fred Morton, and I looked them up at St. John Street 
 Road, Islington." Mr. May does not think they were very 
 glad to see him ; but they took him in, gave him food and a 
 night's lodging, and next day his new uncle, after showing him 
 the sights of London, put him in the Leeds train. He got 
 out, however, at the next station and walked back. Chance 
 led him towards Clapham way. It was winter and he tried to 
 get work, till he was too tired to walk and too cold and hungry 
 to speak. He begged the broken dry biscuits at the public- 
 houses ; he quenched his thirst at the street fountains. The 
 best bit of luck he had was when he induced a child on the 
 Suspension Bridge to part with his bread and bacon in exchange 
 for a walking-stick. He led a terrible life of privation, and by 
 night slept in the Park, on the Embankment, or in a cart in 
 the Market near the stage-door of the Princess's Theatre. He 
 was too proud to go to his relations or to Mr. Wilson Barrett. 
 The first bit of real luck he had was in meeting with the 
 keeper of a photograph shop near Charing Cross. He took 
 May's drawing of Irving, Toole and Bancroft, and published it. 
 It was a partnership arrangement, and the publisher lost about 
 P^5 in the venture. But though he was nearly as hard up as 
 Mr. May was, when he had any money, he used often to take 
 him to a shop near the old Pavilion and give him a dinner
 
 PHIL HAY AND HIS ART 13 
 
 of beef ci la 7node. " It was good !" Mr. May tells you. A 
 Mr. Rising who played at the Comedy Theatre, Introduced 
 Mr. May to Lionel Brough, who purchased the original sketch 
 of Irving, Bancroft and Toole for £^2 2s., and Introduced him 
 to a little paper called Society, for which he did some drawings. 
 But between these periods Mr. May suffered long spells of 
 penury, when he would have been glad to have taken up his 
 position with a handkerchief full of broken chalks and drawn 
 on the pavement. At last a drawing of Mr. Bancroft In 
 Society brought him an Introduction to Mr. Edward Russell, 
 who introduced him to the management of the St. Stephens 
 Review. It was not then an illustrated paper, but a Christmas 
 Number was being Issued. The illustrations were already 
 arranged for, so there was nothing for him to do. The dis- 
 appointment, or long privation — for he was only eighteen at 
 the time — or both, brought on an Illness, and he returned to 
 Leeds. A telegram from Mr. Russell brought him to London. 
 The illustrations for the Christmas Number would not do, and 
 Mr. May was asked to do them all himself— cartoon, illustra- 
 tions, cover, and initials — in a week! He hired a room in a 
 small hotel near the Princess's, and worked day and night, 
 finished the whole thing, and was paid. He remained in his 
 humble lodgings till his money was gone, and he used, as he 
 says, to " go out for breakfast and dinner," which meant walking 
 about for appearances' sake. The proprietor of the hotel in 
 question, who was also a waiter at a club, found him out, and 
 when he came home at three or four In the morning used to 
 dig him out to share his supper ; and when, through sheer 
 shame. May confessed he could not pay him, he insisted on his 
 remaining in his house. Mr. Brough introduced Mr. May to
 
 14 INTRODUCTION 
 
 Alias the costumier, who engaged him as designer of the Nell 
 Givyiine dresses, and kept him on to design pictures for a book, 
 The yuvenile Shakespeare, on which they were to collaborate ; 
 but it came to nothing. Then the St. Stephens started illus- 
 trations, and he was employed by it till an agent came from 
 Australia to discover an artist for the Sydney Btilletin. Mr. 
 May seized the opportunity of going to the antipodes, and 
 went. The fine air, the warm climate, and the regular food 
 made, as he tells you, a man of him ; but it was the starvation, 
 he adds, which made him the artist he is. 
 
 The rest of Mr. Phil May's story has been told before, 
 and is not interesting, being one long series of successes, which 
 culminated in his winning the blue ribbon of black-and-white 
 art, an appointment on P^mch, which leaves him free to draw 
 for any other paper that appreciates his art and can pay his 
 prices. 
 
 The story of his early life and struggles is not exceeded 
 in interest, perhaps, by that of anybody except that of Henri 
 Murger or that of Honord de Balzac. The hard life he once 
 led has left his features somewhat hard, but it has not soured 
 his disposition. There is nothing of the cynic in him. He is 
 still careless of everything but his art, generous to a fault not 
 only with his money, but with his lavish praises of the work of 
 those who aspire to be his rivals. High and low, everybody 
 speaks of him as " dear old Phil," and the applause, even of 
 princes, has not made him a snob. His talents and his temp- 
 tations would have made many a boy of more severe training 
 a pickpocket, burglar, or a gaol bird, as Francois Villon was. 
 It made Phil May an artist, and his story is one to be remem- 
 bered as an encourai^ement instead of a warning.
 
 PHIL HAY AND HIS ART 15 
 
 Of the one hundred and twenty drawings collected in this 
 volume, there is little to say, for they speak for themselves. 
 For some of them, I am indebted to Mr. Louis Meyer of 
 13a Pall Mall, who has enabled me to complete the series of 
 drawings done at a time when Phil May was, as I have 
 described him above, a poor, struggling artist. Youth and 
 enthusiasm, made these drawings bolder than most of his later 
 work, and the lack of pence, when every line meant pennies, 
 made them more elaborately finished than those which of late 
 he has made us accustomed to. But though everyone is satis- 
 fied with his present work, I can only trust that the artistic 
 majority will think with me that he has never done better 
 than these drawings which are here collected. That at least 
 is why I have published them. 
 
 AUGUSTUS M. MOORE
 
 THE LEGITIMATE 
 
 "'Ovv's business, Jacko?" 
 
 " Damned bad. What can you expect w ith this bloomin' opposition 
 
 17
 
 A QUESTION OK HOSK 
 
 18
 
 FALLEN GREATNESS 
 
 Native : " Well, yer see, mum, I was once in a very 'igh persition, 
 my missus used to do all the washin' for the Royal Hotel." 
 
 19
 
 "NOT GOLDEN, BUT GILDED' 
 
 20
 
 NEW VKRSIO.N 
 The TiMi'TATiON ov Anthony 
 
 21
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Mrs Martha Ricks— "Aunt Martha" 
 
 22
 
 FATE! 
 
 "Owth's Ik-cy?" 
 
 "Vy, Ikeyth's dead." 
 
 "You don't thay so. Vy I thor him goin' ter the thinagogue lathst week." 
 
 "Veil, ith'.s all along of that thinagoguc that Ikeyth's dead. They was 
 a-justh coming out, vcn someone outside shouted out, ' Sale goin' ter com- 
 menth,' and Ikey was killed in the cru.sh ! "
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 H.R.H. The rui-NCt: of Wales 
 
 24
 
 NATIONAL SPoRJINCj^ CLU8 
 
 THE NOBLE ART 
 
 25
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 The Duke of CAMLiiuDGi: 
 
 26
 
 
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 27
 
 OiN THE BRAIN 
 
 Tiiic Duke of Fife 
 
 28
 
 ACCOMMODATING 
 CUSTOMKR : '• I want a respirator, please." 
 
 Chemist: Mm afraid, sir, we haven't one your size in stock, but if v 
 will ua,t unt.l I go and get a tape-measure, I will get you one made!" 
 
 ou 
 
 39
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 The German Empekok 
 
 30
 
 AT A PROVINCIAL BANQUET 
 
 Fl.L'N'KEV : "Excuse me, mum, but the banquet has commenced, and I can't 
 admit you. Them's my orders." 
 
 She: "But the Mayor is here, isn't he?' 
 
 Flunkey: "Oh, yes, he's here right enough." 
 
 She: "Well, but I'm his lady." 
 
 FlunkEV: "It makes no difference, mum; ! couldn't admit you if you 
 were his wife."
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 The Due d'Orleans 
 
 32
 
 ALL THE DIFFERENCE 
 
 Barmaid : ' I bcj^ pardon, I have taken twopence too much. I didn't know 
 you were an actor. I thought you were onl>' a gentleman ! " 
 
 33
 
 ■J^IKIL MZ^ "^ ^ T50 0TT 
 
 THREE MEN IN A BOOT 
 
 .U
 
 
 A FRIEND IN NEED 
 
 Invalid : " I sometimes feel inclined to blow my brains out." 
 Friend : " 1 shouldn't advise you to try it, old chap, you know you're a bad 
 shot, and there's nothing much to aim at!" 
 
 Cousin Jane: "I want ma to have her portrait painted. Who would you 
 recommend ? " 
 
 Cousin George: "Stacy Marks." 
 
 jD
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Mrs. Besant 
 
 36
 
 AN UPRIGHT COUKSK 
 
 OU. CANTANKKKOUS(../.,W//,/v-A.-..„): - Ucll. I shM think if vou 
 \\as to fellow )-our nose, it 'ml be a short cut!" 
 
 37
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 ^ 
 
 ,o«\' 
 
 #^ 
 
 
 Mr. Henry George 
 
 .^8
 
 A BENEVOLENT CONNOISSEUR 
 "You arc!"
 
 ox THE BRAIX 
 
 Sir Charles Ewan Smith 
 
 40
 
 ON THE SANDS 
 
 MacHINI; Man {to bather who has been complaiiiiug that he tuas not taken 
 out far enongh) : " Why. lor bless ycr, Sir, I once know'd a man who could 
 dive in two foot of water." 
 
 Bather: "And where's he buried?" 
 
 41
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Mr. George Grossmitii 
 
 42
 
 WOMANLY 
 
 First rHlLANTHROnsx : " Cannot we start a society for the employment 
 of the poor Russian Jews ? " 
 
 SkconI) Ditto: "Well, you see, what could the)- do? You know that 
 they can't speak ICnglish." 
 
 First Ditto : " Oh, get them something to do on the railway, to call out 
 the names of the stations, for instance." 
 
 43
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Mr. Arthur Roberts 
 
 44
 
 OUR CLIMATK 
 
 "Look here, that barometer you sold me a month ago has got out of 
 order, it won't work." 
 
 " Well, you see, sir, look what a lot of wear and tear 'e's 'ad latcl)-." 
 
 45
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Sir George Newnes 
 
 46
 
 ttS5=5=3 
 
 CHEEK 
 Urchin : " Hi, governor, remember the warning afore yer starts ! " 
 
 47
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Sir George Dibbs 
 
 48
 
 INFORMATION WANTED 
 
 Fat Party: " Sa)-, boy, dn my boots want cleaning?' 
 
 49
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Mr. Horace Sedger 
 
 50
 
 FRENCH, AS SHE IS SPOKE 
 
 French Professor : " How would you pronounce t-o-u-t-a-f-a-i-t ? " 
 Pupil: "Totty Fay." 
 
 51
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 The Marquis of Queensberry 
 
 52
 
 
 HARD LINES 
 
 DaV Policeman: {relieving uight-mau): "How's the missus?" 
 Night Policeman : " I don't know. 'Aven't seen her for ten years." 
 Day Policeman: "But ye're living together, aren't ycr?" 
 Night Policeman : " Yes, but she's a charwoman, an' is out all day, an' 
 I'm out all night. So we've never met since we came back from our honeymoon." 
 
 53
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Mr. W. T. Stead 
 
 54
 
 MUTUAL CONSIDERATION 
 
 Art Critic: "What do you think of Ahna Cadmium's painting?" 
 Artist: "Oh, I think it is superb." 
 
 Art Critic : " I'm surprised to hear you say that. He says just the 
 reverse of yours." 
 
 Artist : " Ah, well, perhaps we're both mistaken ! " 
 
 55
 
 ON TPIE BRAIN 
 
 
 Mr. William Morris 
 
 56
 
 BRITONS IN PARIS 
 
 First Englishman: "Where shall we go?" 
 
 Second Englishman {wIw does not kuoiv ihat ' nldc/ie' nuaits that the 
 /lice is taken off): "Let's go to the Eden and see ' RelAche ' ! " 
 
 S7
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 
 ?it;>^'- if %t- 
 
 r ^"% 
 
 SiK Henry Pakkes 
 
 5S
 
 READY FOR THE BALL 
 
 Phwell and phvvat do ye think of me, darlint?" 
 ' Shure ye look jist illigent, but I phwish it wur a mask ball ! " 
 
 59
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 K»^'$ 
 
 Lord Dufferin 
 
 60
 
 
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 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 
 Sir Augustus Harris 
 
 62
 
 SAINTLY POLITENESS 
 
 63
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Sir Edward Lawson 
 
 64
 
 c;e£ 1 
 
 Vo!" 
 
 OH, LISTEN TO A TALE OF "WO" 
 
 65 
 
 E
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Mr. Rudyard Kipling 
 
 66
 
 THE NEW JEW 
 
 "And so you're going to marry a Christian 
 and disgrace your poor old father." 
 
 "Yeth, but I'm goin' to change my name 
 to Smith." 
 
 " But what are you goin' to do with tliat 
 nose ? " 
 
 "Oh, I say! Ain't 'e in a bloomin' 'urry ; 
 'e wants to git there before the 'orse." 
 
 "Yes, I was three months in the desert, with 
 nothing to drink but camel's milk." 
 " Didn't it give you the hump ! " 
 
 67
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 The Right Hon. W. V. Harcourt, M.P. 
 
 fiS
 
 THE VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES 
 
 Pious Friend: "Dear me, I'm sorry to see you coming out of a 
 public-house, Mr. Brown." > 
 
 " Couldn't help it, ole fel' {/tic), I was chucked out ! " 
 
 69
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Monsieur Ernest Renan 
 
 70
 
 A PAIR OF SOILED KIDS 
 
 LIP. 
 
 New Arrival {in Australia): "What's good for mosquitoes?" 
 RESIDENT: "You are!" 
 
 71
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 The late Lord Randolph Churchill 
 
 72
 
 THE CAPE MAIL 
 
 Clerk: "The letter is too heavy. It will require an extra stamp." 
 She : " Won't that make it heavier ? " 
 
 7Z
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Lord Russell of Killowen 
 
 74
 
 "What the deuce are you smoking, old chap?" 
 
 " Well, you see, the doctor has limited me to one cigar a day ! " 
 
 75
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Mr. H. M. Stanley 
 
 76
 
 
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 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Lord Alington 
 
 78
 
 INQUISITIVE 
 "Oh, ma! Are those what they call sea legs?" 
 
 A HOWLING SWELL 
 
 79
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 \ 
 
 '■!'/. 
 
 The Rt. Hon. A. J. Balfour, M.P. 
 
 80
 
 AN IDLE FELLOW 
 
 Visitor : " I hear you've had the celebrated Mr. Abbey, the artist, staying 
 
 with you down here." 
 
 Propriktor of OLn-FASiilONF.D iNN: "Yes, sir, an' he be the laziest man 
 I ever came across. He do nothing but dror and paint all day!" 
 
 8l
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 The ;£'i,ooo per Night-ingale 
 
 82
 
 Grandpapa {to Toinmy, zvho has Just come 
 hotne from sc/iool): "And did you get a good 
 place in your class at the last examination?" 
 
 Tommy : " Yes ; next to the stove." 
 
 POODLES 
 
 A PLEASANT PROSPECT 
 
 "Grandma, shall I have a face like' you when I get old?" 
 " Yes, my dear, if you're good." 
 
 83
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 The Rt. Hon. VV. E. Gladstonk 
 
 S4
 
 ON THE SANDS 
 
 •'Lor', 'Arry, arn't it ot?" 
 
 "Well, sit down, an' I'll blow ycr.' 
 
 85
 
 J- 
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Mr. Joseph Chamberlain, M.P. 
 
 86
 
 REALISM 
 Comedian : "The critic of the Back Alley Chronicle descnbcd me as "iviri" 
 
 ■^ t> fc» 
 
 a very 'saponaceous' rendering to my part. What does 'saponaceous' mean, 
 dear boy?" 
 
 Tragedian {'with learned dignity) : " Cudgel not thy brains with words 
 higher than thy blonmin' salary." 
 
 87
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Monsieur Emile Zola 
 
 88
 
 AT THE RIDING SCHOOL 
 
 Nervous I'LTIL: "When do you think I shall go on the road?" 
 RiniNc; Masthk: "Very soon, if you don't sit better than that." 
 
 89
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Lord Tennyson 
 
 90
 
 NO CHANCE 
 
 "Always take care of your monc)', my son." 
 " I can't, you never give me an)'." 
 
 T... 
 
 She : " But I really thought you 
 were much taller than you are, Mr. 
 Smith." 
 
 He: "Oh, no! Not a bit, I 
 assure you ! " 
 
 VI- 
 
 A PROMINENT FEATURE 
 
 "Hiilo, Bill! What's the matter 
 with your nose?" 
 
 " I don't know. Think my con- 
 science must have pricked it." 
 
 91
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Sir Blundell Maple, M.P. 
 
 92
 
 < 
 
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 93
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Mr. Albert Chevalier 
 
 94
 
 THE UNKINDEST CUT 
 
 He: "I grew a beard and moustache 
 for ten years, and I forgot what I was 
 like without, so I just shaved to see." 
 She : " And weren't you shocked i " 
 
 "Hillo, Bill— bHnd again?" 
 
 "I beg pardon, I'm not blind at all ; 
 
 asha-matterer-fac, I can see twiche-ash- 
 
 much as you/' 
 
 " Say, would you be so stupid as to lend me $s.? " 
 
 95 
 
 In Her War-Paint
 
 vj JtflfJSISS. I 
 
 
 .r 
 
 FAST AND LOOSE 
 
 96
 
 OBVIOUS 
 
 97
 
 MONSIEUR SARDOU 
 
 98
 
 mum 
 
 /No 
 
 (8) 
 
 1 
 
 PLEASANT MEMORIES 
 "Ah, it's many a day since I 'ad it!" 
 
 She : " It must be a dreadful tliiiifj to become old 
 and ugly. I should much prefer to die j-oung.' 
 He : " You'll have to hurry up then ! " 
 
 I have a Song to Sing O." 
 
 99
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Mr. Beerboiim Tree 
 
 lOO
 
 A NASTY ONE 
 
 Wrymug: "I assure you the blamed fog was so thick I couldn't find the 
 way to my own mouth." 
 
 QuiZZEK: "What! When it's just round the corner!" 
 
 lOI
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 General Booth 
 
 1 02
 
 NEW USE FOR A CLOTHES-PEG 
 How TO OBTAIN A GOOD FRENCH ACCENT 
 
 Mistress {Jo new cook) -. " Now arc 
 you sure you have had experience ? " 
 
 Cook : " Oh, yes, mum ! I've been 
 in 'undrcds of places." 
 
 
 PICKSOME 
 
 Little Spkiggins : " Yes, we always 
 dine at a private table. You sec, my wife 
 is so fond of picking bones." 
 
 Old Joker: "I suppose that's why 
 5.he picked you." 
 
 lO-
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Lord Mayor Savory 
 
 104
 
 MOSES MYERS 
 
 MONEY LENT 
 
 THE WROxNG SHOP 
 (jCarol shiging «« Hatton Garden) "Christians Awake!" 
 
 io:
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 9* 
 
 J.%Oj<im^ 
 
 Mr. George Augustus Sala 
 
 106
 
 BAKERS' STRIKE 
 
 They've recently discovered that they'll 
 
 never want a feed 
 As long as they think fit to loaf the 
 
 less our bread we knead. 
 
 She: Oh, John, we're next the engine." 
 He : " Never mind, we'll get there all 
 the quicker." 
 
 Tllli EOV : " Grandpa, is a Jewess a She-brew ? " 
 
 SAVAGE SOUTH AFRICA 
 "A Prior Engagkmknt." 
 
 107
 
 
 THE NORTH POLE 
 
 i08
 
 1' 
 
 1^ 
 
 SUGGESTIVE 
 Small Boy: "Hi! Can you spare a copper?" 
 
 109
 
 ; NOTICE 
 FOOTPASSENqERi' 
 ONLY. 
 
 LEG-ISLATION 
 
 I :d
 
 INTELLIGENCE DEPARTMENT 
 
 Yokel : " Say, sir, does I put tliis 
 'er stamp on meself?" 
 
 Post - Assistant : "On yourself. 
 No, on the letter, }-ou booby." 
 
 THE DOWN TRAIN 
 
 Crossing Sweeper : " 'Ere, if you're 
 goin' to sweep the bloomin' crossin" ycr- 
 self, I'm ho(T." 
 
 THE CONSUMING PASSION 
 
 " Have you heard that Jones has 
 
 given up ' booze ' ? " 
 " No, I wouldn't believe it." 
 " But he has, and he's dead." 
 
 Retired Burglar: "Oh, my son! 
 Always remember that it is wrong to 
 steal on Sunday." 
 
 1 1 1«
 
 ON THE BRAIN 
 
 Mr. Punch 
 
 112 
 
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 This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. 
 
 MAY 2 1990 
 
 41584 
 
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