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Chemist: Mm afraid, sir, we haven't one your size in stock, but if v will ua,t unt.l I go and get a tape-measure, I will get you one made!" ou 39 ON THE BRAIN The German Empekok 30 AT A PROVINCIAL BANQUET Fl.L'N'KEV : "Excuse me, mum, but the banquet has commenced, and I can't admit you. Them's my orders." She: "But the Mayor is here, isn't he?' Flunkey: "Oh, yes, he's here right enough." She: "Well, but I'm his lady." FlunkEV: "It makes no difference, mum; ! couldn't admit you if you were his wife." ON THE BRAIN The Due d'Orleans 32 ALL THE DIFFERENCE Barmaid : ' I bcj^ pardon, I have taken twopence too much. I didn't know you were an actor. I thought you were onl>' a gentleman ! " 33 ■J^IKIL MZ^ "^ ^ T50 0TT THREE MEN IN A BOOT .U A FRIEND IN NEED Invalid : " I sometimes feel inclined to blow my brains out." Friend : " 1 shouldn't advise you to try it, old chap, you know you're a bad shot, and there's nothing much to aim at!" Cousin Jane: "I want ma to have her portrait painted. Who would you recommend ? " Cousin George: "Stacy Marks." jD ON THE BRAIN Mrs. Besant 36 AN UPRIGHT COUKSK OU. CANTANKKKOUS(../.,W//,/v-A.-..„): - Ucll. I shM think if vou \\as to fellow )-our nose, it 'ml be a short cut!" 37 ON THE BRAIN ^ ,o«\' #^ Mr. Henry George .^8 A BENEVOLENT CONNOISSEUR "You arc!" ox THE BRAIX Sir Charles Ewan Smith 40 ON THE SANDS MacHINI; Man {to bather who has been complaiiiiug that he tuas not taken out far enongh) : " Why. lor bless ycr, Sir, I once know'd a man who could dive in two foot of water." Bather: "And where's he buried?" 41 ON THE BRAIN Mr. George Grossmitii 42 WOMANLY First rHlLANTHROnsx : " Cannot we start a society for the employment of the poor Russian Jews ? " SkconI) Ditto: "Well, you see, what could the)- do? You know that they can't speak ICnglish." First Ditto : " Oh, get them something to do on the railway, to call out the names of the stations, for instance." 43 ON THE BRAIN Mr. Arthur Roberts 44 OUR CLIMATK "Look here, that barometer you sold me a month ago has got out of order, it won't work." " Well, you see, sir, look what a lot of wear and tear 'e's 'ad latcl)-." 45 ON THE BRAIN Sir George Newnes 46 ttS5=5=3 CHEEK Urchin : " Hi, governor, remember the warning afore yer starts ! " 47 ON THE BRAIN Sir George Dibbs 48 INFORMATION WANTED Fat Party: " Sa)-, boy, dn my boots want cleaning?' 49 ON THE BRAIN Mr. Horace Sedger 50 FRENCH, AS SHE IS SPOKE French Professor : " How would you pronounce t-o-u-t-a-f-a-i-t ? " Pupil: "Totty Fay." 51 ON THE BRAIN The Marquis of Queensberry 52 HARD LINES DaV Policeman: {relieving uight-mau): "How's the missus?" Night Policeman : " I don't know. 'Aven't seen her for ten years." Day Policeman: "But ye're living together, aren't ycr?" Night Policeman : " Yes, but she's a charwoman, an' is out all day, an' I'm out all night. So we've never met since we came back from our honeymoon." 53 ON THE BRAIN Mr. W. T. Stead 54 MUTUAL CONSIDERATION Art Critic: "What do you think of Ahna Cadmium's painting?" Artist: "Oh, I think it is superb." Art Critic : " I'm surprised to hear you say that. He says just the reverse of yours." Artist : " Ah, well, perhaps we're both mistaken ! " 55 ON TPIE BRAIN Mr. William Morris 56 BRITONS IN PARIS First Englishman: "Where shall we go?" Second Englishman {wIw does not kuoiv ihat ' nldc/ie' nuaits that the /lice is taken off): "Let's go to the Eden and see ' RelAche ' ! " S7 ON THE BRAIN ?it;>^'- if %t- r ^"% SiK Henry Pakkes 5S READY FOR THE BALL Phwell and phvvat do ye think of me, darlint?" ' Shure ye look jist illigent, but I phwish it wur a mask ball ! " 59 ON THE BRAIN K»^'$ Lord Dufferin 60 •>« %J •^ V. %> ^ ^ c: •^/' "K. ■^i ■< ^ *tfj " Couldn't help it, ole fel' {/tic), I was chucked out ! " 69 ON THE BRAIN Monsieur Ernest Renan 70 A PAIR OF SOILED KIDS LIP. New Arrival {in Australia): "What's good for mosquitoes?" RESIDENT: "You are!" 71 ON THE BRAIN The late Lord Randolph Churchill 72 THE CAPE MAIL Clerk: "The letter is too heavy. It will require an extra stamp." She : " Won't that make it heavier ? " 7Z ON THE BRAIN Lord Russell of Killowen 74 "What the deuce are you smoking, old chap?" " Well, you see, the doctor has limited me to one cigar a day ! " 75 ON THE BRAIN Mr. H. M. Stanley 76 o e Si ^ a •s X C ~ :^ J ■V* ^ s > ~ o •* . C -5 .ti •J « u O V, ■" // ON THE BRAIN Lord Alington 78 INQUISITIVE "Oh, ma! Are those what they call sea legs?" A HOWLING SWELL 79 ON THE BRAIN \ '■!'/. The Rt. Hon. A. J. Balfour, M.P. 80 AN IDLE FELLOW Visitor : " I hear you've had the celebrated Mr. Abbey, the artist, staying with you down here." Propriktor of OLn-FASiilONF.D iNN: "Yes, sir, an' he be the laziest man I ever came across. He do nothing but dror and paint all day!" 8l ON THE BRAIN The ;£'i,ooo per Night-ingale 82 Grandpapa {to Toinmy, zvho has Just come hotne from sc/iool): "And did you get a good place in your class at the last examination?" Tommy : " Yes ; next to the stove." POODLES A PLEASANT PROSPECT "Grandma, shall I have a face like' you when I get old?" " Yes, my dear, if you're good." 83 ON THE BRAIN The Rt. Hon. VV. E. Gladstonk S4 ON THE SANDS •'Lor', 'Arry, arn't it ot?" "Well, sit down, an' I'll blow ycr.' 85 J- ON THE BRAIN Mr. Joseph Chamberlain, M.P. 86 REALISM Comedian : "The critic of the Back Alley Chronicle descnbcd me as "iviri" ■^ t> fc» a very 'saponaceous' rendering to my part. What does 'saponaceous' mean, dear boy?" Tragedian {'with learned dignity) : " Cudgel not thy brains with words higher than thy blonmin' salary." 87 ON THE BRAIN Monsieur Emile Zola 88 AT THE RIDING SCHOOL Nervous I'LTIL: "When do you think I shall go on the road?" RiniNc; Masthk: "Very soon, if you don't sit better than that." 89 ON THE BRAIN Lord Tennyson 90 NO CHANCE "Always take care of your monc)', my son." " I can't, you never give me an)'." T... She : " But I really thought you were much taller than you are, Mr. Smith." He: "Oh, no! Not a bit, I assure you ! " VI- A PROMINENT FEATURE "Hiilo, Bill! What's the matter with your nose?" " I don't know. Think my con- science must have pricked it." 91 ON THE BRAIN Sir Blundell Maple, M.P. 92 < O U U oi O ■a %a3MNn-3WV ^^lilBRARYQ^ CD ^.OFCAIIFOff^ liiN'Man.j^ UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. 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