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 SRLF uoWboy Philosopher on 
 
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 JNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA. SAN DIEGO 
 
 3 1822025136086 
 
 Social Sciences & Humanities Library 
 
 University of California, San Diego 
 Please Note: This item is subject to recall. 
 
 Date Due 
 
 MAY . o 
 
 Cl 39 (5/97) 
 
 UCSD Lib.
 
 ROGERS -ISMS 
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher 
 on The Peace Conference
 
 ROGERS-ISMS 
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher 
 on The Peace Conference 
 
 By WILL ROGERS 
 
 Frontispiece Portrait 
 
 NEW YORK : HARPER fef 
 BROTHERS : PUBLISHERS
 
 ROGERS-ISMS: 
 THE COWBOY PHILOSOPHER ON THE PEACE CONFERENCE 
 
 Copyright; 1919, by Harper & Brothers 
 
 Printed in the United States of America 
 
 Published May, 1919 
 
 I-T
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher 
 on The Peace Conference
 
 J~N the Five times I have ap- 
 -* peared before President Wil- 
 son I have used dozens of these 
 same jokes, about him, And he 
 has the best sense of humor and 
 is the best audience I ever played 
 too. Which bears out the theory 
 I work on, That you can always 
 joke about a big Man that is 
 really big, But dont ever kid about 
 the little fellow that thinks he is 
 something, cause he will get sore 
 Thats why hes little, 
 
 W. R.
 
 ALIBI 
 
 THERE is no particular reason why 
 I should horn in on you Public 
 with a Book, But thats just when they 
 seem to write them, When theres no 
 need or reason for them, 
 
 The shorter white Paper gets the more 
 careless these Pen Hounds get with it, 
 
 All my friends advise me to go ahead 
 Will and write it cause you wont annoy 
 people with it like these other Writers 
 do with theirs, Nobody will read yours 
 
 When a Guy has never grazed educa- 
 tionally any further than McGuffeys 
 fourth Reader his ravings aint liable to 
 [i]
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 throw any jealous scare into Literary 
 Circles, 
 
 Grammar and I get along like a Russian 
 and a BathTub, 
 
 In fact Americans are getting to dote 
 too much on Grammar and Good 
 Manners, They say the most perfect 
 English in this country is spoken in 
 Sing Sing, And at the Federal Prison 
 in Atlanta, They claim a Knife never 
 touched a Lip, So you see where that 
 junk leads you too, 
 
 I was going to write a Book on the 
 War, But I heard some fellow had 
 already done it, 
 
 In fact I figure that the fellow who 
 dont write on the war will be a novelty,
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 There is so many Books on the War that 
 no two people will have to read the same 
 Book. 
 
 Then the War was too serious a sub- 
 ject I could not write on it, But the 
 Peace Feast, That seemed to offer a 
 better field for Humor provided you 
 stick to the facts, 
 
 I have some inside facts procured 
 from the most reliable source, And as 
 I dont want to see the World grow up 
 in ignorance on this historical subject 
 I would really feel selfish and mean too 
 withold it, 
 
 Heres how I got it, There is a fellow 
 
 I know, Who had a friend, And this 
 
 friends Sister had a sweetheart and he 
 
 was a Soldier in France and his cousins 
 
 [3]
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 pal was a Bunkie of Col Houses Chouffer, 
 The Col told his Chouffer So you see 
 my information comes from the same 
 place Pres Wilsons does, 
 
 So Here Goes Under The Bottom With 
 THE FIRST PEACE BOOK,
 
 THE 
 PEACE CONFERENCE 
 
 OF course this whole Peace Confer- 
 ence talk started from the time Pres 
 Wilson said to Germany "We wont deal 
 with you as long as you occupy invaded 
 Territory." Well the Kaiser come 
 right back at him and said, "If you 
 can show us how we can give it up any 
 faster than we are I wish you would 
 do it," 
 
 Now the Armistace was signed, and 
 Germany agreed to quit running at 
 eleven oclock on a certain day, 
 
 Of course we got the word a couple of 
 days before it was really signed, Mak- 
 
 ISl
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 ing everybody have TWO DRUNKS 
 where one would have done just as well, 
 
 It would have been signed on this 
 first day But the German Generals 
 whom they sent out to sign up, had 
 never been to the front and dident know 
 just where it was, 
 
 The Kaiser was on the verge at one 
 time of visiting the western front then 
 he said, "No I will just wait a few days 
 till it comes to me," 
 
 Our Show was playing in Philadelphia 
 when the first Armistace was signed, 
 (The one the saloon men framed up) 
 I was a bit leary of it all the time as I 
 had been there once before when the 
 Union League Club had paraded for a 
 Mr Hughes, Then later they had to 
 put the Parade back, 
 [6]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 I HAD ALWAYS BELIEVED PfllLA TO 
 BE SLOW AND HERE IT WAS 2 DAYS 
 AHEAD OF THE FACTS 
 
 At that time everybody wondered 
 what to do with the Kaiser, I thought 
 he should have been brought to this 
 Country and made to clean the streets 
 after that first Armistace day, 
 
 A funny thing the Armistace was 
 signed about the time the returns of 
 the last election come in. The Germans 
 and the Democrats learned their fate 
 on the same day, 
 
 When the war was over the Kaiser 
 called his 6 sons to him and said, 
 "Now boys we better duck Cause this 
 war is over and you boys can get hurt 
 
 Now," 
 
 [71
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 The thing that hurt the Kaiser worse 
 than losing the war, Was that in all the 
 Armistace terms they dident even men- 
 tion his name, 
 
 Everybody commence talking about 
 the Peace Conference and who was to 
 go, Some Republican Senators went 
 so far as to engage a lower birth, 
 
 There was so much argument about who 
 was to go, That Pres Wilson says I tell 
 you what, "We will split 50-50 I will 
 go and you fellows can stay," 
 
 At last we were going to get even with 
 them for all their commissions coming 
 over here, 
 
 You know for a while COMMIS- 
 SIONS were coming so fast, That we 
 [8]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 were lucky to find a fellow who knew 
 what Flag to put out each day, 
 
 We were meeting Servian Commissions with Romanian 
 Flags, 
 
 Of course there were nations coming 
 at that time who had not enough to 
 support a flag, Thats why the commis- 
 sion were here to place a Flag Contract, 
 
 Now to get to my Peace trip, About 
 three months are supposed to have 
 elapsed between the last Paragraph and 
 this one, All of which time was taken up 
 by Congress talking, (see congressional 
 Record) Finally Pres Wilson got tired 
 listening to them and walked out on 
 them, 
 
 If it had not been to get away from 
 Congress, I have my doubts if he would 
 have gone to Europe,
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 Now for the Number 2 Peace trip. 
 
 This Peace trip is not an original 
 Idea, (It was originated by some obscure 
 MANAFACTURER OF KNICK NACKS,) 
 Name furnished at advertising rates. 
 
 Its always the same, the fellow who 
 originates anything or starts something 
 new is generally called a nut, The next 
 fellow comes along takes his Idea im- 
 proves on it and of course is a smart man, 
 
 Of Course this No 2 Company used 
 better Judgement than the first one. 
 This one waited till the war was over 
 to Go, 
 
 This is the only case in Theatrical 
 History where the No 2 Company was 
 better than the original, 
 [10]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 Of corse I claim this Manafacturer 
 in some middle west town (I cant seem 
 to recall that fellows name) made one 
 mistake, There were people on his 
 Boat that should never have had a 
 return trip ticket, 
 
 Through Holland receiving them is 
 where the Kaiser got his idea of going 
 there, 
 
 Of course there was a lot of dissatis- 
 faction against the Pres going, Mostly 
 by people whom he did not take along, 
 
 I was in favor of his going because I 
 thought it would give us a chance to 
 find out who was Vice President, But 
 it Dident, 
 
 I also felt confident that he was the 
 only man that could explain the 14 points 
 
 In]
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 We were especially lucky in having 
 him represent us in England as he is 
 the only one we could have sent that 
 spoke good enough english that they 
 could understand, 
 
 He would have taken a Senator but 
 couldent find one that had a dress Suit 
 
 A congressman of course was out of 
 the question He couldent have eaten 
 off a 15 million dollar plate He would 
 have starved to death looking at it, 
 
 For awhile it looked like Mr Hughes 
 would get to go, While the others were 
 signing up he could have been investigat- 
 ing, his report would have been ready 
 the day before the next election, 
 
 Also asked a manafacturer from some 
 lake town (I cant think of that Birds 
 
 [12]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 name) But he said "No thank you one 
 trip cured me" 
 
 The Sectry of Agriculture was named 
 to go for a while, It was thought that 
 if we were fortunate enough to be as- 
 signed any loose Islands at the meeting 
 He could immediately advise what to 
 plant thereby getting in a crop next 
 year, 
 
 MR ROO T was named then some one 
 happened to think of RUSSIA and that 
 was off, 
 
 Wanted BRYAN to go but nobody knew 
 where he was, 
 
 I wanted to go along as JESTER Pres 
 Wilson will miss his comedy when he 
 gets awav from Congress,
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 I wanted to represent the United 
 Press (the one that sent in that pre- 
 matur peace report) I could have had 
 them there before they started, 
 
 See they took one Republican with 
 them, But I have never read any thing 
 in the papers about him landing, Just 
 about chucked that guy overboard, 
 
 Took a republican along to argue 
 with on the way over, 
 
 They will about make him Wait on 
 the Peace Table, 
 
 See where Admiral Dr Grayson stood 
 his Maiden voyage well, 
 
 Mr Creel went along to suppress any 
 SCANDAL that may crop up 
 [14]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 On arriving they found they had for- 
 gotten something after searching they 
 found it was the Industrial Committee, 
 
 Now Mr Barney Baruch is going in 
 case we land a few Shekels, why Barney 
 will count up for us, 
 
 Also Mr Gar field "said he wasent 
 going to stay in this Country and FREEZE 
 another winter" 
 
 If they keep on sending for them, 
 Talk about getting the boys back, it 
 will take a couple of years to get all 
 these Peace Guys back, 
 
 We may not have had as many 
 Nations in the war as these other 
 Nations but we are going to Swamp 
 them at the Peace Table,
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 Col House was there to meet the 
 
 Boat in a listening Capacity, 
 
 Lot of men have fought their way 
 into fame and talked their way into 
 fame but Col House is the only man 
 that ever just LISTENED HIMSELF IN, 
 
 After looking over Paris the troop 
 went to London, Can you imagine 
 how sore these Republicans got when 
 they read about a Democrat sleeping 
 in Buckingham Palace, 
 
 Kaiser and Czar used to kid King 
 George and tell him he dident have any 
 power He can get back at them now 
 and say "No I havent got much power 
 but I am still Kinging aint I," 
 
 Pres left London passed through 
 Paris got an earfull from Col House 
 
 f 16!
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 and played a week of one Night stands 
 through Italy, 
 
 He had a letter of recomendation 
 from Caruso so he met some of the best 
 people in Italy, 
 
 Every time the Pres wanted applause 
 in his speeches in Italy he would mention 
 GARIBALDI which sounds same in 
 English as Italian, 
 
 Belgium wanted to book him there 
 but the Pres got wise that they were 
 holding so many Banquets they were 
 trying to wear him out before the Peace 
 Feast started, 
 
 King of Italy also the King of England 
 have agreed with him up to now But 
 unfortunately they neither one will be 
 at the Peace signing,
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 England is orally in accord but there 
 has been nothing signed, 
 
 They are a little late starting as they 
 were waiting to find someone who knew 
 what freedom of the Seas mean, 
 
 NOW IF HE CAN ONLY HANDLE THAT 
 MEETING AS HE DOES CONGRESS WE 
 NEED HAVE NO FEAR OF THE RESULT, 
 
 You know a lot of people think he is 
 liable to be too easy with them dont you 
 believe it he can be pretty stern when 
 he wants to remember last fall when 
 he sent Germany their Questionaire, 
 Said GIVE ME YOUR REAL NAME 
 AND PERMANENT ADDRESS, 
 
 Lets hope the Turkish Deligation dont 
 bring all their WIVES or we never will 
 get PEACE, 
 
 [18]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 And lets make those Russians shave 
 before they sign up we want to know 
 who we are dealing with, 
 
 If Ireland sends a deligation I can 
 hear France say bring us back war, 
 
 Now the Pres says we are going to 
 recognize the CZECHO SLOVAKS we may 
 recognize them but we will never 
 pronounce them, 
 
 That Nation has caused Readers more 
 trouble than any other one in war, 
 
 They cant make the Peace terms 
 much worse than those Armistace terms 
 for they read like a 2nd mortgage, 
 Party of the second part has no more 
 chance than a Democrat in the next 
 Congress,
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 We are handicapped at this meeting, 
 England and France both have their 
 Prime Ministers there while BILLY 
 SUNDAY dident go for us, 
 
 Each Nation is supposed to share in 
 the Peace terms according to what they 
 have done in the war, Holland gets the 
 KAISER, Mexico the CROWN PRINCE, 
 
 Now the Pres has to get back here 
 before Mar 1st when the Country goes 
 in into the hands of the Republicans 
 or they are liable to want to charge him 
 a tarriff to get in again, 
 
 OF COURSE WE DONT RECEIVE 
 MUCH NEWS OF THE PEACE CON- 
 FERENCE. FIRST FEW WEEKS 
 THEY ARE ALL JUST COMPLI- 
 MENTING EACH OTHER. WAIT 
 TILL THEY GO TO DIVIDE UP 
 
 [20]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 SOMETHING. (What a truth that 
 turned out to be) 
 
 Well by this time Congress was getting 
 pretty rough so Pres W grabbed his 
 boat and commuted back home, 
 
 Said I think I will land in BOSTON 
 the old Pilgrim Fathers had pretty fair 
 luck, and nobody has ever landed there 
 since, 
 
 Germany couldent figure out how 
 America could get troops over there and 
 get them trained so quick they dident 
 know that in our manual there is nothing 
 about RETREATING and when you only 
 got to teach an Army to go one way 
 you can do it in half the time, 
 
 I feel pretty proud over that last little 
 gag, As I used it before Pres Wilson in 
 [21]
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 Washington and he repeated it in his 
 Boston speech, Saying "as one of our 
 
 AMERICAN HUMORISTS Says," Up to 
 
 then I had only been an ordinary Rope 
 thrower, 
 
 Pretty tough when the Pres cops your act, 
 
 Pres had pretty good luck on that 
 1st trip they saw his 14 points and 
 raised him _-_- _.._ more 
 
 Says in there, "There is to be no 
 more wars" and then there was a 
 Paragraph a little further down told 
 you where to get your AMMUNITION in 
 case there was one, 
 
 Now he come's back to Washington to 
 explain the LEAGUE OF NATIONS to Con- 
 gress You know those guys cant read 
 anything and understand it, 
 
 [22]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 But after eating out of 15 million 
 dollar Gold Plates and hobnobbing with 
 Kings and Dukes can you imagine how 
 Congress looked to him when he come 
 back, 
 
 Had All the Senators up to dinner at 
 White House Took Ham Lewis three 
 days to dress for it, 
 
 Not much news from the Dinner 
 Burleson copped the Phones, 
 
 On last day went up to Capitol to 
 sign all the bills Congress had passed 
 Well after he had signed the bill, 
 
 Then he went before Congress and 
 balled out the WILFUL 37, he was busier 
 than Mcadoo with a new train, 
 
 [2.3]
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 HE and Taft both spoke on same 
 stage first time Pres and x-pres ever 
 
 agreed, 
 
 I still wanted to go along but he said: 
 "wait Will till some other trip and I 
 will take you," 
 
 You know 13 is his lucky number 
 if they dont sign this up on this trip he 
 knows they will on his I3th trip, 
 
 You see Congress got sore cause he 
 did not call them in extra session, 
 You know the next Con, is Republican, 
 Be a good joke on them if he dident call 
 them at all wouldent it, 
 
 Back to Paris to meet Col House 
 the only man the Pres ever listened 
 too, 
 
 [24]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 MR DANIELS went over. First time 
 they have ever taken Josephus any- 
 where, He will be allrignt in a crowd, 
 
 Made Mr Hoover food DICTATOR for 
 all the Allies That means that BELG 
 FRANCE and ENG, are not going to 
 get any more to eat than we do, 
 
 Conference at ist gave America Japan 
 Italy France 5 deligates each and Eng- 
 land including her Colonies fourteen, 
 Thats all right to allow England for 
 each one of her Foreign Relations, But 
 they did not allow us a single one for 
 Wisconsin, 
 
 How would you like to have been on a 
 committee of Englishman to inform Ire- 
 land they dident get any Deligates, 
 OH BOY, 
 
 [25]
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 Finally got it down to the big TEN 
 now theres only FOUR, speaking to each 
 other, 
 
 America dident know till they got 
 over there that those European Nations 
 have had a disease for years called the 
 Gimmes. 
 
 England and Japan had a secret 
 Treaty where England was to get 
 everything south of the equator and 
 Japan everything North, Guess they 
 were going to leave the equator for 
 Ireland, 
 
 Japan wanted it put in the contract 
 that she was as good as anybody else 
 If she admitted it why put it in, If a 
 man is a Gentleman he don't have a sign 
 on him telling it, 
 
 [26]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 Tell Japan we will recognize them as 
 soon as they recognize China, 
 
 Peace Table is turning out like 
 all Banquets the speeches are 
 too long, 
 
 Everybody at the Table wants a 
 second helping, And Germany the cook 
 hasent got enough to go around, 
 
 They agreed on one of the 14 points 
 that was that America went in for 
 nothing and expects nothing they are 
 
 all UNANIMOUS WE GET IT, 
 
 Wanted to put the LEAGUE of na- 
 tions in with Peace Treaty, thats like a 
 fellow going into a store and the Mer- 
 chant wont sell him a Suit unless he 
 uses a Gillette Razor, 
 [271
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 Its been a great thing for these 
 Senators if it had not been for this to 
 knock they would not have gotten all 
 these Lecture Dates, 
 
 The way a lot Of Senators talk you 
 would think Pres W was going to trade 
 America off for a couple of Golf Clubs, 
 
 They seem to think the Pres took the 
 Monroe Doctrine in his pocket and 
 is liable to lose it over there, 
 
 Pres Wilson threatened he would 
 start the war over again, Be terrible 
 if they found out this war was fixed and 
 they had to fight it over again, 
 
 They cant let the Russians in this 
 league or they would make a Bush 
 League out of it, 
 
 128]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 Best time to have formed this League 
 of Nations was during the war when all 
 these Nations needed each other, 
 
 Everybody is for something to pre- 
 vent war, but they are afraid it is like 
 Prohibition it dont prohibit, 
 
 League of Nations just as clear as the 
 Income Tax blanks, 
 
 One thing we got to be thankful for 
 our Soldiers can win wars faster than 
 our Diplomats can talk us into them, 
 
 Pres Wilson finally got discouraged 
 at the stalling and told them that if 
 they dident hurry up and do something 
 the Americans would pick up their 
 Wives and come home, 
 [291
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 Pres says "JAMES BRING MY 
 BOAT" 
 
 They then got busy and decided that 
 Belgium could try the Kaiser, Belgium 
 said "how do we get him," Allies said 
 "thats it if we could get him we 
 would try him ourselves," 
 
 Some Nations got so tired waiting 
 for Peace they went back to fighting 
 again, 
 
 Been working on this League of 
 Nations all winter, Finally one of the 
 deligates said "What about Peace with 
 Germany" The others all said "thats 
 right we never thought of that," 
 
 Went to call in Germany and they 
 said "Why we had give you all up 
 [30]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 thought you wasent coming, We got 
 a better offer from the Bolsheveki" 
 
 They offer us no indemnities 
 and no Baths, 
 
 If they ever have another war lets 
 have it understood before they start 
 what each Nation wants at the finish, 
 
 All those Nations claim they were 
 fighting for freedom, But of course a 
 little more land would make a little 
 more Freedom, 
 
 One thing about this League, The 
 last war there were only 10 or 15 
 nations in it now if they all sign this 
 they can all be in the next one, It 
 wont be near so exclusive, 
 [31]
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 Course its hard to please everybody Taft 
 tried that, 
 
 If Pres Wilson had any doubts about 
 this League of Nations being put 
 through he should have taken some of 
 these Prohibitionist. They would have 
 shown him how to get it through 
 whether people wanted it or not, 
 
 France says they would have more 
 confidence in this League if they would 
 slip a couple of Nations in between 
 them and Germany, 
 
 I WONDER IF WE QUIT FIGHTING TOO 
 QUICK AND DIDENT SIGN PEACE QUICK 
 ENOUGH, 
 
 Dont get impatient. It has been just 
 this hard at the end of every war to 
 try and prevent another one, 
 [32]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 Pres on his last voyage home said the 
 Monroe Doctrine was fully protected 
 already And to show them that it 
 was, He has now put it in, 
 
 This Monroe thing the Republicans 
 talk so much of and know so little about, 
 Protects us against everything but 
 VILLA. 
 
 And in the whole History of America he 
 is the only Nation that ever attacked us, 
 
 Italy says they will pick up their 
 Marbles and go home 
 
 Pres Wilson says you may Fiumc, 
 But you will never get it, 
 
 Today is Japans day to threaten to 
 pack their kimonas and leave, 
 [33]
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 Italy bases her claim on an old treaty, 
 She cant afford to trace her Treatys 
 back too far, // / remember she origi- 
 nally was signed up with Germany, 
 
 Pres Wilson certainly used good judge- 
 ment in visiting Italy when he first went 
 over, 
 
 Sectry BAKER has gone back over to 
 France again think old Newt, kinder 
 likes PARIS, 
 
 They wanted Mcadoo to go but the 
 salary wasent right. 
 
 Can you imagine a guy that couldent 
 make a living out of all the jobs he held, 
 I would love to have just half what one 
 Republican would have made out of all 
 that, 
 
 [34]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 Lot of Reps dont want this League 
 Gag to pass they are jealous cause 
 the Democrats ran the last war, And 
 they want to have another one to show 
 how much better they could run one 
 than the Democrats, 
 
 Even the Big 4 seem to be losing con- 
 fidence, They have removed the words 
 High Contracting Parties, which ap- 
 peared 418 times in the original and now 
 speak of it meekly as members of the 
 League, 
 
 We know Pres Wilson had a lot to do 
 with drafting it, Cause it has so many 
 WORDS 
 
 Now it will take longer to explain it 
 than it did to write it, 
 [35]
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 If Mr Lodge and Mr Lowell debate 
 on these new amendments Boston has 
 applied for a change of Venue, 
 
 Only debate ever held where both men 
 agreed, 
 
 Pres is up to his old tricks has sent 
 a NOTE to Italy, 
 
 His appeal to the Italian People 
 caused as much of a furore as the one 
 to the voters last fall, 
 
 Italy says they know Fiume was not 
 in their secret treaty with other Allies 
 But its a nice town and they hate to 
 see it fall into bad hands, 
 
 Get all those Nations sore enough to 
 start telling the truth about each other, 
 We will hear something, 1 
 [36]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 Italy claims Fiume because there is 
 more Italians there than anybody else, 
 according to that Look whod get NEW 
 YORK 
 
 Japans claims are sorter novel "They 
 want pay for capturing part of China 
 one of our own Allies" 
 
 * 
 
 They have offered to protect Siberia 
 if they have to stay there forever to 
 do it, 
 
 If Japan gets all her claims China 
 will pay more indemnities than Germany 
 who lost the war, 
 
 Imagine Japan, Pres Wilson, and 
 Italy, All talking at once, Good thing 
 they cant understand each other or this 
 Conference would never have lasted this 
 long, 
 
 [37]
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 AND THEY CALL THAT A 
 PEACE CONFERENCE, 
 
 Guess those CZECHO POLOKS have 
 gotten their freedom, I see where they 
 are at war. 
 
 Wish I could find a man who had 
 read this LEAGUE OF NATIONS, And 
 could tell which was the Assembly and 
 which was the Council, 
 
 Thats a good clause in there "where 
 any Allied Nation must give three 
 months notice before it jumps onto any 
 other Allied Nation,'* 
 
 Now the Women want to send Deligates, 
 They forget this is a Peace Conference, 
 
 See where the German Deligates to 
 the Peace Table brought their Golf 
 
 [38]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 Clubs We can see now how Admiral 
 Graysons Pupil stacks up against op- 
 position, 
 
 See where Pres Wilson and Italy have 
 compromised on that town down there 
 
 Italy got it, 
 
 Its kinder new wrinkle in Diplomacy, 
 The Slovaks can play with it four years 
 till they begin to like it, And then they 
 take it away from them, 
 
 As I UNDERSTAND IT ITALY IS TO HAVE 
 IT TUESDAYS AND SATURDAYS, 
 
 But they are going to build those 
 other People (with that terrible name) 
 A little young town just as much like 
 this one as they can, down the river 
 aways 
 
 [39l
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 Guess the reason they put a four 
 year limit on it, Was that they figured 
 that would about cover the existence of 
 any of those new Nations, 
 
 The Idea over there now seems to be 
 lets get something ready to sign up, 
 Whether its any good or not, 
 
 See where Pres Wilson and Japan 
 compromised on that CHOW CHOW 
 PLACE JAPAN GETS IT, 
 
 I dont know how much money In- 
 demnity Japan will demand from China, 
 
 You know CHINA has one of the best 
 JAPANESE Armies in the World, 
 
 See where Pres Wilson and England 
 compromised on Freedom of the Seas 
 
 England got it, 
 
 [40]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 Italy left the Conference and got what 
 she wanted, Japan threatened to leave 
 and got what she wanted, If Pres Wil- 
 son had left some Republican Senators 
 would have gotten what they wanted, 
 
 Seems several Nations were like Jesse 
 Willard they wanted to know what they 
 were to get before they entered the Arena, 
 
 Well they finally handed Germany the 
 Peace terms 80 thousand words only 
 thing ever written longer than a Lafol- 
 lette Speech, 
 
 HAD TO BE THAT LONG TO TELL THE 
 GERMANS WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THEM 
 
 Imagine what a document for Lawers 
 to pick flaws in, 
 
 Could have settled the whole thing 
 in one sentence, "IF YOU BIRDS 
 
 [41]
 
 The Cowboy Philosopher on 
 
 START ANYTHING AGAIN WE 
 WILL GIVE YOU THE OTHER 
 BARREL," 
 
 RUSSIA cant get in on this Peace 
 There is not enough Paper in the 
 World to print 80 thousand Russian 
 words on, 
 
 If they want to get even with Ger- 
 many they ought to let them keep their 
 Cables And appoint Burleson to run 
 them 
 
 / thought the Armistace terms read 
 like a second Mortgage, But this reads 
 like a FORECLOSURE, 
 
 If Germany ever wants to go to war 
 again she will have to fight with 
 BEER STEINS 
 
 [42]
 
 The Peace Conference 
 
 If Germany stops to read those 80 
 thousand words before they sign them, 
 We needent expect Peace to be signed 
 for years yet, 
 
 Now Folks with all this kidding and 
 foolishness aside, for I just say in here 
 whatever I think anybody might laugh 
 at, But of course my real sentiments 
 are the same as everybody else, any- 
 thing to prevent war If He puts this 
 thing through and there is no more 
 wars, His address will be WHITE 
 HOUSE WASHINGTON D C till his 
 whiskers are as long as the Peace Treaty 
 If it should be a Fliv, (which it wont) 
 Why then a letter would reach him at 
 ALABI NEW JERSEY. So all Credit 
 to Pres Wilson it took some game Guy 
 to go through with it, 
 
 THE END
 
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