THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES 
 
 FREDERIC THOMAS BLANCHARD 
 
 FOR THE 
 ENGLISH READING ROOM
 
 ID 
 
 ERr 
 
 
 AND OPINIONS 
 
 IS TRAM SHANDY 
 
 The Smoking Batteries 
 .V 
 

 
 l&itum 
 
 THE COMPLETE WORKS AND 
 LIFE OF 
 
 LAURENCE [STERNE 
 
 VOLUME TWO 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 IN FOUR VOLUMES 
 VOLS. Ill AND IV 
 
 THE CLONMEL SOCIETY 
 
 NEW YORK AND LONDON
 
 EDITION DE LUXE 
 
 ,Jvf d<ju<J<4^ 
 Limited to One Thousand Sets 
 
 Printed for Subscribers Only 
 
 Copyright, 1899, by 
 J. F. Taylor & Company
 
 INTRODUCTION
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 YORICK'S PLAGIARISMS 
 
 STERNE'S master-stroke of humor was re- 
 served for posterity. In the view of his 
 contemporaries he possessed not only a 
 manner of his own, but a matter of his own. 
 His great merit was originality. But some 
 twenty years after his death it began to be 
 whispered about that Yorick had stolen his 
 fancies from this and that writer. In 1789, 
 the European Magazine subjected his sermons 
 to the damaging test of the parallel column ; 
 and two years later a Manchester physician, 
 one John Ferriar, read a paper before the 
 Literary and Philosophical Society of that city, 
 on "the sources from which Sterne drew 
 his rich singularities," especially for Tristram 
 Shandy. The dissertation, afterwards enlarged, 
 was twice published separately under the title 
 of Illustrations of Sterne. It is needless to say 
 that this very remarkable piece of erudition,
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 whereby the learned Doctor has connected his 
 name with Sterne by an immortal tie, came as 
 a surprise to the literary world. Others have 
 since followed in the paths opened by Ferriar, 
 so that I suppose some sort of original may be 
 pointed out for nearly every incident and smart 
 saying in Tristram Shandy, from the winding 
 up of the clock to Uncle Toby's experiences 
 with the Widow Wadman. And that the 
 chain of evidence against Sterne may be with- 
 out breaks, some successful attempts have been 
 made to prove that the books from which the 
 parson stole were actually in the libraries of 
 Shandy Hall or Crazy Castle. Sterne has cer- 
 tainly succeeded in his practical joke. The 
 learned times to which he looked forward have 
 come, and a book which was written for our 
 mirth has undergone from the scholar's eye 
 the minute examination accorded to a serious 
 classic like Milton or Shakespeare. 
 
 I do not wish to write a tractate on poor 
 Yorick's plagiarisms ; but as the theme is so 
 replete with humor, I can hardly refrain from 
 adding my own observations to those of learned 
 men. Sterne told his friends over at Stilling- 
 ton Hall sub rosa, of course what books 
 " he studied most." He mentioned the excel-
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 lent Contemplations of Bishop Hall, from which 
 were taken texts and general outlines, with oc- 
 casional paragraphs, for his sermons ; a novel 
 by Marivaux called the Paysanne Parvenue, 
 from which a certain sentimental naivete passed 
 over into the Sentimental Journey ; the Moyen 
 de Parvenir, an old French medley by Beroalde 
 de Verville, containing jests and anecdotes 
 which it is supposed suggested the quaint 
 and whimsical conversations at Shandy Hall ; 
 and Montaigne's Essays, where something 
 was discovered on unpropitious names. More 
 important than any of these, was Sterne's men- 
 tion to the Crofts of Rabelais " My dear 
 Rabelais " linked in Tristram Shandy with 
 "my dearer Cervantes." Sterne, as we have 
 seen, foregathered with a club organized for 
 reading Rabelais and the literature of his school. 
 And in a general way Tristram Shandy be- 
 longs to the class of facetious books of which 
 Pantagruel is the type. There may be, too, 
 in Sterne far off echoes of specific scenes and 
 incidents in Rabelais. When Gargantua was 
 born, his father, noting his immense size, ex- 
 claimed Que grand tu as ! and so the boy was 
 called Gargantua. Without this incident, it 
 is to be understood, Sterne's hero would never
 
 have been misnamed Tristram. Rabelais also 
 has something to say about long and short 
 noses, explaining how they are engendered ; 
 but Sterne, it is said, did not derive his fancy 
 from this source, so much as from a prologue 
 upon noses in Bruscambille's Pensees Face- 
 ticuses, a copy of which was picked up by 
 Sterne at a book stall. After all, it must 
 be said, the resemblances between Tristram 
 Shandy and Pantagruel are far less in number 
 and in importance than the differences. Ra- 
 belais satirized in a grotesque way the abuses of 
 scholasticism and speculative opinions in gen- 
 eral. This aim appears only as a minor motif 
 in Sterne ; and satire becomes with him a 
 delightful irony. Uncle Toby, I take it, may 
 owe something to the Knight of La Mancha. 
 Each has had his head turned by his reading ; 
 the one by the romances of chivalry, and 
 the other by military tales and the graver 
 books on the art of war. But beyond this 
 device for explaining Uncle Toby's hobby- 
 horse, there is no reason to suppose that 
 Tristram Shandy would have been much dif- 
 ferent from what it is, had there been no Don 
 Quixote. The large intelligence of Cervantes, 
 whereby he made his hero a symbol of human
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 life, was denied to Sterne. On the other hand, 
 Sterne knew best how to play with the follies 
 of men in a kindly manner, as if they were all 
 his own and I suspect that they were all his 
 own : for, like Uncle Toby, he had a bowling 
 green in the house-garden at Coxwold, and like 
 Walter Shandy he was fond of dialectics. 
 
 I fear that I should prove uninteresting, 
 should I go on to name the many miscellane- 
 ous books old, quaint, and some of them in 
 black letter where Sterne could have derived 
 hints for many of his notable things. It is 
 more agreeable to give the result without the 
 details. Uncle Toby's oath has been taken 
 from Sterne and given to the mediaeval church, 
 for it is an old monkish superstition that sin is 
 washed out by tears. Uncle Toby's fly is no 
 longer an original fancy, for was not Margaret 
 Duchess of Newcastle of so tender heart that 
 she could not hurt a fly ? And did not the 
 first King James of England curse a fly that 
 came smack into his eye when out hunting 
 one day ? Did not His Majesty ask the inso- 
 lent insect why he wished to lodge there when 
 three great kingdoms were left him for roam- 
 ing ? And that proverb of Yorick's " God 
 tempers the wind to the shorn lamb " so fine 
 
 XT
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 in feeling and in melody that clergymen have 
 taken it for a text and then searched the Scrip- 
 tures for it in vain is really so old that no- 
 body knows how old it is. Translating it from 
 the French, George Herbert said " To a shorn 
 sheep God gives wind by measure." When hi 
 France, Yorick expressed the wish that the 
 Disposer of all things might ordain that he 
 should die not in his own house but rather in 
 " some decent inn," provided he might be per- 
 mitted to stipulate that it should not be the 
 inn at Abbeville, where he was then staying. 
 And he did die at a lodging house in Old Bond 
 street. In this supreme incident of his life, 
 Sterne was anticipated nearly a century by 
 Archbishop Leighton, who often said that he 
 should like to die at an inn, and in his old age 
 he succumbed to an attack of pleurisy at the 
 Bell Inn, in Warwick Lane. Others no doubt 
 have wished to be alone, away from afflicted 
 friends, in their last moments ; and others 
 surely have died at London inns. As an in- 
 decorous parson, afterwards distinguished for an 
 indecorous book, Sterne had a predecessor in 
 the Italian Bandello, a Dominican monk, who 
 wrote his merry tales without thought of what 
 might be appropriate to his sacred order. For 
 
 rvi
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 taking this last vestige of originality from 
 Sterne the credit belongs to his life-long friend, 
 John Hall- Stevenson. 
 
 Notwithstanding all this and much else 
 from the learned wits, Sterne really borrowed, 
 in the passages whereby Sterne is Sterne, 
 nothing beyond the usual practice of men of 
 letters in all times. " Art is all materiam 
 super abat opus" says an old writer presently 
 to be quoted again. " 'Tis the placing," he 
 goes on to say, of the gay feathers you take 
 from others, " and ordering 'em in such deli- 
 cate Lights and Shades, that only makes 'em 
 so inimitably Beautiful and Lovely." That 
 art of placing, ordering, and transfusing with 
 his own genius, Sterne had to a most remark- 
 able degree. The shorn sheep, the fly of King 
 James, and the sinner's penitent tear were as 
 nothing before they received from Sterne the 
 last touch of art and of form. Bishop War- 
 burton once presented this master in letters 
 with a parcel of books for the improvement 
 of his style. 
 
 When in after-dinner conversation at Still- 
 ington Hall, Sterne let the Crofts into the 
 secret of the books to which he owed most, 
 he forgot to name the really important ones. 
 
 VOL. in. b xvii
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 That too was like him. It was left to Dr. 
 Ferriar to discover that Sterne helped himself 
 at will to Robert Burton's Anatomy of Mel- 
 ancholy a famous treatise into which every 
 educated man was once supposed to dip at the 
 very least. " It was the only book," said Bos- 
 well of Dr. Johnson, " that ever took him 
 out of bed two hours sooner than he wished to 
 rise." All the way through Tristram Shandy, 
 from the first to the last book, there are remi- 
 niscences of Burton, sometimes in the quaint 
 phrasing, more often in the topic for a digres- 
 sion. And when Yorick wrote his fifth book, 
 he had, 1 fear, the Anatomy spread out before 
 him. The episode of the Lady Baussiere, who 
 " rode on " ; Walter Shandy's system of edu- 
 cation for Tristram ; his eloquent lament for 
 the death of his eldest son Bobby, with scraps 
 on how men have died, purporting to be quota- 
 tions from a score of writers, ancient and mod- 
 ern ; and the letter of Servius Sulpicius to 
 Cicero in consolation for the death of the ora- 
 tor's daughter Tullia are all taken straight 
 from Burton. It would be difficult to find in 
 any other writer of the first order so direct 
 conveyancing. Sterne's conduct is here, it 
 must be admitted, something of an enigma.
 
 Was the Curate of Coxwold at the time of com- 
 position in a particularly unmoral mood as well 
 as in a hurry ? Perhaps so. But it should be 
 noted that the fifth book of Tristram opens 
 with an abuse of plagiarists, and in language 
 only changed in slight degree from the intro- 
 duction to the Anatomy. " As apothecaries," 
 says Burton, " we make new mixtures every 
 day, pour out of one vessel into another * * * 
 we weave the same web still, twist the same 
 rope again and again." And now for Sterne. 
 " Shall we," he asks, " forever make new 
 books, as apothecaries make new mixtures, by 
 pouring only out of one vessel into another ? 
 Are we forever to be twisting, and untwisting 
 the same rope ? " Sterne perhaps has stated 
 the matter better than Burton, but there is no 
 essential difference between them. Was not 
 Sterne here engaged in a piece of mischief ? 
 -Was he not setting a trap for his learned 
 readers, who were supposed to be familiar 
 with the Anatomy ? I think so. If he laughed 
 in his sleeve to find that he was not dis- 
 covered, he would have laughed outright, 
 had some reviewer accused him of theft. 
 The jest is a sorry one, perhaps the sorriest 
 that Yorick ever perpetrated ; and the fifth
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 book of Tristram Shandy is the least interesting 
 of them all. 
 
 I now come to a fresher incident in the 
 theme. Isaac D'Israeli, so curious in out-of- 
 the-way learning, once remarked * that the 
 prototype of Sterne's whimsical style was per- 
 haps to be found in a book by John Dunton, 
 a London bookseller and adventurer, the 
 same John Dunton who, owing to the depres- 
 sion of trade just after Monmouth's rebellion, 
 came over to New England to dispose of his 
 surplus stock at Boston. The book is entitled 
 A VOYAGE ROUND THE WORLD OR, A f^ocfat 
 ILifcrarg CONTAINING THE RARE ADVENTURES 
 OF DON KAINOPHILUS, DURING HIS SEVEN 
 YEARS 5Prenticesi)i}J. THE WHOLE WORK IN- 
 
 TERMIXT WITH INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE MAN- 
 AGEMENT OF A MANS WHOLE LIFE. The 
 volume is so rare that no one seems to have 
 found it convenient to work out what D'Is- 
 raeli hints at. A copy of the book was owned 
 by the late James Crossley, an English anti- 
 quarian, and after the dispersion of his library 
 in 1885, it found its way into the Boston Pub- 
 he Library. On the fly-leaf, Crossley wrote : 
 
 * Consult Nichols, Literary Anecdotes of the Eighteenth 
 Century, IX. 631-2.
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 " Rodd [Thomas Rodd, the London book- 
 seller] once showed me an original Letter of 
 Sterne in which he mentions this Work, from 
 which he took many of his Ideas and which 
 he had met with in a London Circulating 
 Library. As the present Copy came from 
 Hookham's whose Bookplate, which was on 
 the original boards, I have pasted opposite, 
 there is little doubt that this was the identical 
 copy read by Sterne." As Hookham's Library 
 was in Old Bond street, where Sterne usually 
 put up when in London, there is some ground 
 for the conjecture with which Crossley closes 
 his valuable note. If we may not hold in our 
 hands the very copy of Dunton that Sterne 
 once held in his as he sat in his London lodg- 
 ing and we hardly dare hope that we may 
 be sure that we are reading a book in which 
 he took great delight. 
 
 Any one opening the Voyage Round the 
 World with the expectation of discovering 
 Tristram Shandy there, will be greatly disap- 
 pointed. For that he will be thrown back 
 upon Sterne's genius. But he will find in the 
 mad volume hints for the general outline of 
 Shandy and for some of Sterne's wilder extrav- 
 agances of manner. Sterne we all remem-
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 ber stalling out ab ovo with the conception 
 of Tristram, comes down to his youth. Had he 
 gone on with two volumes a year, it was his 
 plan, so he told Stephen Croft, to " travell his 
 Hero Tristram Shandy all over Europe and 
 after making his remarks on the different 
 Courts, proceed with making strictures and 
 reflections on the different Governments of 
 Europe and finish the work with an eulogium 
 on the superior constitution of England and at 
 length to return Tristram well informed and a 
 compleat English Gentleman." Dunton like 
 wise set out to write " Cock-rambles " which 
 were to run through " Four and Twenty Vol- 
 umes." Like Sterne, he began with the pre- 
 natal history of Kainophilus (a name, says the 
 author, signifying a Love of News], brought 
 him to the Cradle and into Leading Strings, 
 and from his birthplace, somewhere in Buck- 
 inghamshire, up to London as an apprentice to 
 a Bookseller. As a preliminary to his rambles 
 round the world, the young man goes back to 
 Buckingham on a visit to his father, and the 
 narrative is hopelessly lost in digressions and 
 moralizings. The Voyage, like Sterne's Tris- 
 tram, proves to be a journey of the mind over 
 whimsical ways under the guidance of fancy.
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 Kainophilus will begin, for example, a descrip- 
 tion of London life, and then shunt off to the 
 death of his father, and before proceeding far 
 on this melancholy incident, he will write a 
 disquisition on the duties of children to their 
 parents, to be followed by the history of his 
 father. Whether the narrative ever comes 
 back to London, I am not sure. To this "bob- 
 cherry " sport with the reader Dunton was fond 
 of calling attention. " I tell him now," he says 
 in one place, " whatever I made him believe in 
 the last Chapter, that he's not like to hear a 
 word more on't this two hours. Thus do I 
 love to elevate and surprize, and sprinkle now 
 and then some of that same in my writings 
 which is so remarkable in my self that people 
 shou'd miss what they expected and find what 
 they never lookt for tho' both still very 
 excellent nor must you think I do this with- 
 out sound advisement and sage reason." And 
 again, equally like Sterne, he remarks " / love 
 a digression., I must confess with all my heart, 
 because 'tis so like a Ramble ." 
 
 The notion, too, that there is humor in plagi- 
 arism Sterne seems to have derived from Dun- 
 ton. A close examination of the Voyage were 
 that worth while would show that whole sec- 
 
 xxiii
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 tions of it are cribbed to use the colloquia 
 word especially from Francis Osborne's Ad 
 vice to a Son, a once popular book. To his prac 
 tice, Dunton is ever recurring in playful defence 
 I quoted a few pages back his observations or 
 borrowed plumes. Elsewhere he asks " Is th( 
 Honey the worse because the Bee sucks it ou 
 of many Flowers ? Or is the Spider's Web th< 
 more to be prais'd, because it is extracted ou 
 of her own Bowels ? Wilt thou say, the Tay 
 lor did not make the Garment, because the Ckti 
 it was made of was weav'd by the Weaver ? '' 
 And adds "If I steal from others, 'tis tha 
 they may say for me, what either for want o 
 Language or want of Sence I cannot mysel 
 express." The two writers Sterne and Dun 
 ton are still nearer akin in typographica 
 eccentricities. In Dunton, there are dashes o 
 varied length up to a half line ; italics are em 
 ployed for reasons no one can divine ; and in 
 dex hands are not uncommon. A page mai 
 be printed in type of different sizes and kinds 
 including black letter ; or, I suppose for em 
 phasis, a page may be all in capitals. Anc 
 a fictitious authority is sometimes quoted ii 
 a foot-note. Anent some trivial remark, w< 
 have, for instance, this at the bottom of i 
 
 jcdr
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 page : " Venter non habet Aures, says learned 
 Nimshag, an ancient Utopian Philosopher, in 
 his treatise of the Antiquity of Gingerbread, 
 lib. 7. pag. 300000000." 
 
 It is much pleasanter to read about Dunton's 
 Voyage with a quotation or two than to read 
 the book itself. Except for a bright patch here 
 and there, it is as dull as any one may imagine. 
 It is to good prose what doggerel is to good 
 verse. But a most interesting fact nevertheless 
 remains : Sterne at one time read it, and to 
 him there was a design in it and a manner which 
 needed but premeditated art and order for its 
 transformation into something new and strange 
 in literature. 
 
 One other book and it is the book of all 
 books should be mentioned in considering 
 Sterne. At the University he read An Essay 
 on the Humane Understanding, just added to 
 the philosophical curriculum ; and unlike most 
 college text books, it became a companion 
 throughout life. The great Locke, the saga- 
 cious Locke, Sterne calls the author, who wrote 
 " a history-book of what passes in a man's own 
 mind," even explaining how apparently unre- 
 lated ideas may pop into Mrs. Shandy's poor 
 head. Locke's doctrine of associated ideas cer-
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 tainly impressed Sterne greatly ; and upon it 
 he organized his whole work, lending to mad- 
 ness a kind of method. For run as wildly as 
 his ideas may into this path or into that path, 
 the nexus is never broken. This carefully laid 
 train of ideas has prevented Sterne's book from 
 going the way of Dunton's and saved it for 
 art. Sterne was, to be sure, no philosopher, but 
 from Locke came that love for playing with ab- 
 struse thinking exemplified in Walter Shandy. 
 And there and elsewhere Sterne assumes 
 Locke's attitude towards scholastic and theo- 
 logical pedantry, though he is borne by humor, 
 of course, far beyond the philosopher's serious- 
 ness, into banter and burlesque. There is, too, 
 I suppose, some logical connection between the 
 philosophy of Locke and Sterne's sentimental- 
 ism. Locke repudiated the notion of innate 
 ideas, holding that all knowledge is derived 
 from our sensations. Wherefore it was quite 
 natural that the literature following in the wake 
 of his influence should be a literature not so 
 much of ideas as of emotions, not so much of 
 the intellect as of the heart. At any rate so 
 it was. The test of an author's success soon 
 became his ability to evoke the tear. There 
 was Richardson, over whose Pamela and
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 Clarissa, people sobbed as if their hearts would 
 break. There was Rousseau, who sat by Lake 
 Geneva watching his tears as they dripped into 
 the water. And finally there was Sterne, who, 
 because he could laugh as well as weep, was 
 able also to create an Uncle Toby, the best 
 character that has come to us out of the 
 sentimental mood. 
 
 xxvii
 
 STERNE IN LITERATURE 
 
 HOW Sterne with his strange and new 
 manner was received by his contem- 
 poraries has been described. He was 
 repudiated by literary men who held to tradi- 
 tional ways. He was welcomed by the large 
 public, then as always ready to accept a novel 
 fashion in letters. It now remains to describe 
 but it must be briefly how his influence en- 
 tered into the literature of the next generation 
 and again into that of a later time. Sterne was 
 first taken up by the scribblers, who thought 
 to make a few guineas by imitating him or 
 abusing him, or by doing both at the same 
 time. Even before Sterne left London after 
 his first great reception there in the spring of 
 1760, the "writing mills" had begun to grind 
 out shilling pamphlets of which he or his book 
 was the theme, and by midsummer and autumn 
 they were running at full speed. The pam- 
 phlets at first assumed the critical and abusive 
 attitude. As early as April, a writer calling 
 
 xxviii
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 himself Dr. Jeremiah Kunastrokius issued a 
 disquisition on the morals and politics of Tris- 
 tram Shandy., and in the same or the next 
 month appeared the really funny Clockmakers 
 Outcry against the Author of the Life and 
 Opinions of Tristram Shandy, with a dedica- 
 tion to "the most humble of Christian prel- 
 ates," that is, to Bishop Warburton, who was 
 anything but humble. The author claimed, in 
 allusion to the notorious incident with which 
 Tristram Shandy opens, that there was no 
 longer any sale for clocks among respectable 
 people ; for Sterne had brought the word into 
 contempt and all orders were being rapidly 
 countermanded. Then came The Life and 
 Opinions of Miss Sukey Shandy, for which two 
 shillings was charged ; and Tristram Shandy 
 at Ranelagh, which, said a reviewer, imitated 
 " Mr. Sterne's manner as Alexander's courtiers 
 did their master, by carrying their heads awry." 
 Something better, I take it, was Yorick's Medi- 
 tations * * * upon Nothing, upon Something, 
 upon the Thing * * * upon Tobacco * * * 
 upon the Man in the Moon, etc. ; for a reviewer 
 took it to be Yorick's in fact. There was also 
 a Tristram Shandy in Reverie, containing a 
 Kttera infernaUs from the departed Yorick to
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 his admirers on earth. A much bolder imita- 
 tion of Sterne was a continuation of Tristram 
 Shandy by one John Carr, the translator of 
 Lucian, and then or afterwards headmaster of 
 the Hertford grammar school. It seemed to 
 this scholar that it was time for Tristram to be 
 born, and so he brought him into the world. 
 
 Performances so impudent as this last, in 
 which we rise to a grade above the scribbler, 
 were mostly reserved for the years immediately 
 following Sterne's death. Sterne died in 1768, 
 leaving the Sentimental Journey only half told. 
 Within a year it was completed by John Hall- 
 Stevenson. The continuation, a coarse thing, 
 unrelieved by humor, has long since passed 
 into oblivion. Equally dull, but more respect- 
 able, was a forgery from the hand of the elder 
 Richard Griffith, entitled The Posthumous 
 Works of a Late Celebrated Genius., better 
 known perhaps as the Koran, under which name 
 it was several times included in editions of 
 Sterne's works. The author was the husband 
 to Elizabeth Griffith, a playwright and novelist 
 of some reputation in her time. His book pur- 
 ports to be a shadowy autobiography by Sterne, 
 eked out by anecdotes and observations of vari- 
 ous kinds. I have searched it for some smart
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 saying worth quotation, but I can find none. 
 With more interest one may turn to The Sen- 
 timental Magazine, " circulated to amuse the 
 mind, to improve the understanding, and to 
 amend the heart," with an emphasis on the last 
 aim. Begun in 1773, this periodical continued 
 down into 1776, when it died out. In acknowl- 
 edging their debt to Sterne, " who introduced 
 the present mode of sentimental writing," the 
 editors gave a sketch of the "inimitable" 
 author, closing it with an epitaph from an un- 
 known pen. The first number opened with a 
 Sentimental Journey through Life, which fol- 
 lows the general outline of T?istram Shandy, 
 until the hero reaches France. Then the 
 narrative stops, for at that point the author 
 fell asleep while reading in bed one night and 
 was consumed bed, manuscript, and all. Ac- 
 cording to the original plan, each number was 
 to contain a sentimental tale "to force the 
 tears of sensibility from the eye " and " inspire 
 the heart with the love of Virtue " ; and for the 
 best translation from the French of " a senti- 
 mental fable" in verse, a silver medal was 
 offered each month with the winner's name 
 engraved thereon. To these attractions was 
 afterwards added " A Physician of the Heart,"
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 who gave free advice to sentimental readers 
 that submitted to him difficult cases in love 
 casuistry. 
 
 It may be that no other magazine written 
 for the fireside was devoted exclusively to the 
 heart, but communications and poetic effusions 
 inserted in other periodicals read wonderfully 
 like what we have here. The European Maga- 
 zine, for example, one of the standard periodi- 
 cals of the time, opened its columns to scores 
 of letters written not only in imitation of Sterne 
 but under his very name. Leave the maga- 
 zines for the novel of the circulating library, 
 and the chances are that one will find Sterne 
 there rather than Fielding or Smollett. True, 
 the stream of influence from Sterne unites in 
 the every-day novel with the sentimentalism of 
 Richardson and Rousseau ; yet if one thinks it 
 worth while, he can separate the Sterne from 
 the rest. Sterne's imagination moved to 
 quote a phrase from Coleridge in a kind of 
 " twilight between vice and virtue." He rarely 
 comes quite to what is low in human nature 
 except by suggestion ; and if he does reach 
 that point, he transforms vice into virtue by 
 some casuistry in the circumstance. With him 
 a man errs not because of a depraved heart but
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 because of the acuteness of his emotions. It 
 is this phase of Sterne that was best under- 
 stood by those writers who filled circulating 
 libraries. In illustration of this fact, it is only 
 necessary to give three or four titles of current 
 novels. We select for the purpose Sympathy 
 of Souls, The Errors of Virtue, Amiable In- 
 discretions, and The Noble Lie. " A hundred 
 writers communicated," says Hannah More, 
 " and a hundred thousand readers caught the 
 infection." 
 
 Again, certain famous incidents in Sterne, 
 especially Uncle Toby and the fly, frequently 
 reoccurred with some modification. Flies 
 were got rid of not by torturing or killing 
 them, but by spouting cold water upon them. 
 The other day I came across a letter in which 
 a young man describes to a friend the maneu- 
 vers with which he put out his candle on going 
 to bed last night : " Here, how it happened I 
 know not, but so it was, down dropped the 
 extinguisher ! I caught it hastily up It 
 was too late! The as yet enlightened snuff 
 seemed to upbraid me. I would have re- 
 kindled it. I blew no flame appeared ;- 
 on the contrary, I thought the little light 
 rather diminished than increased. I will not 
 
 TOL. in. c xxxiii
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 blow again There is but one spark now re- 
 maining It lessens ! Is it gone ? No. - 
 I stepped quickly into bed, that I might there 
 see it expire I turned my head, but could 
 not perceive it. I rubbed my eyes It is 
 gone It certainly is gone ! " Of the 
 novels written under the direct influence of 
 Sterne only one, I think, has survived with the 
 reading public. And that is the Man of Feel- 
 ing by Henry Mackenzie, an Edinburgh es- 
 sayist, whom Scott called "the Northern 
 Addison." Written in a style alternating 
 between the jerks of Sterne and a winning 
 plaintiveness, the book enjoys the distinction 
 of being the most sentimental of all English 
 sentimental novels. A recent editor has in- 
 dexed its tears. The scene in which the frail 
 hero dies from the shock he receives when the 
 heroine of pensive face and mild hazel eyes 
 tells him that she can return his love, certainly 
 deserves to be remembered : " He seized her 
 hand a languid colour reddened his cheek 
 a smile brightened faintly in his eye. As he 
 gazed on her, it grew dim, it fixed, it closed - 
 He sighed and fell back on his seat Miss 
 Walton screamed at the sight His aunt and 
 the servants rushed into the room They 
 
 XXXIV
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 found them lying motionless together. His 
 physician happened to call at that instant. 
 Every art was tried to recover them With 
 Miss Walton they succeeded But Harley 
 was gone for ever." 
 
 The pose and attitude of character seen in 
 these quotations was, I hardly need say, caught 
 from Sterne. Long before sitting down to 
 Tristram Shandy, Sterne was a painter. He 
 also studied closely the movements and ges- 
 tures of famous preachers and actors. So 
 when he came to write, he carried over into 
 literature the art of Reynolds and Garrick. 
 His characters are depicted not only by what 
 they say and do, but by the tones in which 
 they speak and by the ways in which they sit, 
 stand, and walk. Something like this had 
 indeed appeared in literature before Sterne, 
 but he reduced gesture to an art. And from 
 him directly or indirectly, the art was learned 
 by every popular novelist for a half century. 
 With Frances Burney and Maria Edgeworth, 
 it led to the novel of manners, where the 
 emphasis in the delineation of character is 
 placed upon minute observation of the varied 
 ways in which men and women behave, 
 whether in a London drawing-room or in an
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 Irish village. With the romancers like Mrs. 
 Radcliffe, the art degenerated into a meaning- 
 less affectation. Thomas Love Peacock, in 
 ridiculing under the name of Scythrop the 
 self-brooding attitudes of Shelley, went straight 
 to current romance for the banter : " Scythrop 
 threw himself into his armchair, crossed his left 
 foot over his right knee, placed the hollow of 
 his left hand on the interior ancle of his left leg, 
 rested his right elbow on the elbow of the chair, 
 placed the ball of his right thumb against his 
 right temple, curved the forefinger along the 
 upper part of his forehead, rested the point of 
 the middle finger on the bridge of his nose, and 
 the points of the two others on the lower part 
 of the palm, fixed his eyes intently on the 
 veins in the back of his left hand, and sat in 
 this position like the immovable Theseus." 
 
 What I have said in brief clause gives no 
 adequate notion of the run of sensibility in 
 English literature after Sterne. I profess to 
 have indicated only the way in which the 
 phase of it represented by Sterne was taken up 
 by fiction. As time went on, there was hardly 
 a novel, whether dealing with every-day life, 
 politics, morals, or ghosts and history, that 
 did not have at its basis a sentimental situa- 
 
 xuvi
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 tion, often delicate and questionable. Remove 
 from the fiction of the time the cover of 
 manners, politics, or history, and you have 
 left crass sentimentalism. The mood also gave 
 birth to hundreds of vapid poems on lovers in 
 woody background, essays on conduct, and 
 letters in verse and prose between the swain 
 and the shepherdess. The sentimental corre- 
 spondence especially came from Sterne. He 
 set the type in the letters to Miss Lumley, 
 whom he afterwards married, repeated it in the 
 brief notes to Miss Fourmantelle, and outdid 
 himself in the correspondence with Eliza - 
 Mrs. Elizabeth Draper, a beautiful young 
 woman out of India, about whom he let his 
 feelings play lawlessly. As Sterne wrote, 
 others learned to write. Burns, for example, 
 while in Edinburgh for the winter of 1787-88, 
 permitted his heart to go astray on a Mrs. 
 M'Lehose, an amiable, unfortunate, and very 
 religious woman, who had been deserted by 
 her husband. Under the name of Sylvander 
 he addressed her as Clarinda. It is all Sterne 
 and Eliza right over again. And even so late 
 as 1819, something very like the Sterne mood 
 survived in the letters of Keats to Fanny 
 Brawne. " I have a sensation at the present 
 
 XXXVU
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 moment," wrote Keats, "as if I were dissolv- 
 ing." - That is Sterne. 
 
 There is a permanent place in literature for 
 the refined and sublimated sentiment and 
 humor of Sterne. But a school of sentimen- 
 talists can only have their day. Reaction 
 against them first set in with Maria Edgeworth 
 and Jane Austen, women of admirable poise 
 between head and heart, and then came Sir 
 Walter Scott. With Scott there was no sen- 
 timent and hardly introspection. His theme 
 was man out-of-doors in action. His heroes 
 were Richard of the Lion's Heart, Louis the 
 Eleventh, and Cromwell. For a score of years 
 his influence was dominant in fiction. But 
 after the great romancer's death, there was in 
 turn a reaction against him. The inner life, 
 as he depicted it, seemed cold and illogical ; 
 and novelists returned, but with a difference, 
 to the sentimentalists. Bulwer-Lytton was a 
 sentimentalist of the cruder sort. He began 
 his literary career with a novel in which are 
 depicted, in imitation of Goethe's Werther 
 and Charlotte, the sensations of a young man 
 in love with a married woman ; and he after- 
 wards turned to idealizing criminals of the 
 Eugene Aram type. His success, as we all 
 
 xxxviii
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 know, was instantaneous ahd long continued 
 with a public that had become tired of military 
 heroes. But it is perhaps not so well known 
 that in middle life he tried his hand at a 
 Sterne novel, in which sentiment should be 
 lightened by humor. The Caxtons, though 
 published anonymously, was so well received, 
 that Bulwer went on in the same vein with 
 My Novel and What will he do with it ? We 
 have in these novels a very clear echo of the 
 best things in Shandy ; indeed it is so clear that 
 Bulwer must have felt that he could count on 
 there being no readers of Sterne in his audi- 
 ence. The Caxton household was modelled 
 directly on Shandy Hall. There is the elder 
 Caxton, a musty scholar of mild heart and 
 " soft sweet voice " ; the meek Mrs. Caxton ; 
 her brother Jack, who has lost his fortune 
 in philanthropic schemes ; and the son, who 
 was christened Pisistratus by mistake. Uncle 
 Toby's fly in due time reappears, only it is 
 metamorphosed into a moth which by great 
 exertions is prevented from flying into a 
 lighted candle. For evoking the kindly affec- 
 tions, the elder Caxton has as companion in 
 his walks a lame and dyspeptic duck, which 
 he feeds with his own hands, and in absent
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 ; . 
 
 moments stoops to tickle under the left ear. 
 Go on som$ further, and one conies to Yorick's 
 donkey, who in Bulwer's version is threshed 
 for munching a thistle, and is afterwards con- 
 soled by the village parson with a " rose- 
 cheeked apple." Imitation of this kind Sterne 
 himself was never guilty of; for if he stole 
 from Burton, he did not find there his best 
 things. Bulwer searched Sterne for the best 
 things and took them. 
 
 It is nevertheless quite likely that there is 
 really not so much of Sterne in Bulwer as in 
 his two greater contemporaries. Sterne's pres- 
 ence was certainly felt by Dickens and Thack- 
 eray. Not that they openly imitated him ; but 
 Sterne exerted a direct influence upon them. 
 Oddities of which Sterne saw and minutely 
 studied a few types, broke up into a full thou- 
 sand forms in the novels of Dickens. Uncle 
 Toby by some imaginative process passed into 
 the benevolent Mr. Pickwick. There may be, 
 too, some imaginative connection between the 
 double bedded room at the Great White Horse 
 Inn, and the incident with which the Sentimen- 
 tal Journey is brought to a close. And the 
 story of poor Maria, who travelled to Rome 
 and back barefoot over flinty roads, may have 
 
 xl
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 suggested the wanderings of Little Nell. At 
 any rate, Dickens's lingering over pathetic 
 scenes in carefully cadenced sentences must 
 have been caught from Sterne. The difference 
 is that Sterne's style in passages of this kind is 
 as choice as any thing we have in English 
 prose ; whereas Dickens writes blank verse ' 
 and prints it as prose. Finally, the humor of r 
 Dickens, like that of Sterne, depends, half of 1 
 it, upon the attention paid to attitude, move- ! 
 ment of body, face, and eyes, and the tone of 
 voice in which the characters speak. Read the 
 famous scenes in Oliver Twist between Mr. 
 Bumble the beadle, and Mrs. Corney the 
 matron of the workhouse, suppressing all ges- 
 ture, and the humor is pretty much gone. It 
 might be added that Oliver Twist, as well as 
 Tristram Shandy, came to his name in an ex- 
 traordinary way. " We name our fondlins," said 
 the beadle to Mrs. Mann, the woman with whom 
 Oliver was farmed, " We name our fondlins in 
 alphabetical order. The last was a S, Swub- 
 ble, I named him. This was a T, - - Twist, I 
 named him. The next one as comes will be 
 Unwin, and the next Vilkins. I have got names 
 ready made to the end of the alphabet, and all 
 the way through it again, when we come to Z." 
 
 xli
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 Thackeray, it has generally been held, harks 
 back in the main to Fielding. This opinion 
 was boldly and, I think, rightly challenged by 
 Bagehot. Thackeray and Sterne were indeed 
 as diverse as two men could be in their modes 
 of life. Thackeray's moral sense was acute. 
 Sterne had none. Notwithstanding this, there 
 was, said Bagehot, " one fundamental and 
 ineradicable resemblance between them. . . . 
 They both looked at every thing at nature, at 
 life, at art from a sensitive aspect " ; that is, 
 neither of them was a thinker ; they were both 
 men of sensations, both men who had the 
 " nerve-ache." The analysis is, I believe, cor- 
 rect. Add to Sterne the moral sense, and 
 you have Thackeray. Wherefore it is that 
 Thackeray may be said to stand for the best 
 kind of sentiment, for his feelings, however 
 lavish he may be of them, receive some sort 
 of check from his ethical nature. Thackeray 
 must have read Sterne as a boy, for in one of 
 those early Snob papers written while at Cam- 
 bridge, he plays with Susannah's misnaming of 
 Tristram. On that occasion he called his hero 
 Jack, because a boot-jack fell to the floor at 
 the time of his birth. And coming to the 
 great novels, how like Sterne is the famous 
 
 xlii
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 death bed of Colonel Newcome ! " Just as the 
 last bell struck, a peculiar sweet smile shone 
 over his face, and he lifted up his head a little, 
 and quickly said, ' Adsum ! ' and fell back. 
 It was the word we used at school, when 
 names were called ; and lo, he, whose heart 
 was as that of a little child, had answered to 
 his name, and stood in the presence of The 
 Master." Sterne and Thackeray are the only 
 two English novelists who could imagine and 
 write that passage. And Sterne could have 
 done it as well as Thackeray. 
 
 Traces of Sterne are also frequent mother nov- 
 elists of the mid-nineteenth century. Charles 
 Reade, for example, was fond of emphasizing 
 the importance of his sentences by giving each 
 one a paragraph ; he also had the trick of drop- 
 ping the thread of a narrative and of picking it 
 up two hundred pages on as if nothing had in- 
 tervened, and in one novel he inserted a map 
 of the heavens. George Eliot, it might be ex- 
 pected, would be unacquainted with Sterne. 
 But she read him and owed to him the rhythm 
 of many a passage. Without her Sterne, she 
 would never have written the closing sentences 
 on the inebriate Dempster over his mother's 
 grave; "When the earth was thrown on
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 Mamsey's coffin, and the son, in crape scarf 
 and hatband, turned away homeward, his good 
 angel, lingering with outstretched wing on the 
 edge of the grave, cast one despairing look 
 after him, and took flight forever." Probably 
 Mr. Sidney Lee is right in finding Sterne even 
 in contemporary literature. Stevenson, when 
 he travelled with a donkey across the CeVennes, 
 and when he travelled elsewhere in different 
 company, was " marching under Sterne's ban- 
 ner." And Kipling's That's another story 
 " fell originally from the lips of Mr. Shandy." 
 It was a remark to Dr. Slop. 
 
 As in England, so it has been in some 
 measure with Sterne across the Channel. His 
 first London reception we have already said 
 it was repeated in Paris. " My head is 
 turned round," wrote Sterne to Garrick, " with 
 what I see and with the unexpected honours 
 I have met with here. Tristram was almost 
 as much known here as in London, at least 
 among your men of condition and learning." 
 At the house of the Baron d'Holbach and else- 
 where, publicists and philosophers who had a 
 leaning for things English, gathered about him, 
 plying him with questions about himself, and 
 he talked with them freely. Just before leav- 
 
 xliv
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 ing Paris, he preached for them at the English 
 embassy a homily on the mistake Hezekiah 
 made in displaying the treasures of his house 
 to the messengers from the king of Babylon. 
 Hume was present on that memorable occasion. 
 And at the farewell dinner which followed in 
 the evening, the company waxed merry over 
 the give-and-take banter between parson and 
 skeptic. It was through these men who knew 
 some English that Sterne's bizarre book en- 
 tered France. Accounts of it and extracts 
 from it in French naturally followed. Voltaire 
 wrote about it twice, once in praise and once 
 in censure. But the difficulties in the way 
 of a complete translation seemed insuperable. 
 The broken style of Sterne it is hardly nec- 
 essary to say is utterly foreign to the severe 
 logic of French syntax. So it happened that 
 the less irregular Sentimental Journey was the 
 first to find a translator. No attempt was made 
 with Tristram Shandy * for fifteen years. Both 
 
 * Frenais translated the first part of Tristram Shandy 
 (2 vols. Paris, 1 776). Of the remainder, versions appeared 
 in 1785, by de Bonnay and G. de la Baume. The trans- 
 lations by Frenais and de Bonnay were afterwards issued 
 together (4 vols. Paris, J785). More recent translations 
 are by Wailly (1842) and Hedoun (1890-91). The Senti- 
 mental Journey was translated by Frenais (2 vols. Amster- 
 
 X!T
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 books were unfortunate in their translators. 
 The points in Sterne's jests were as often missed 
 as hit, and there were many mutilations. The 
 extent of the influence that Sterne now exerted 
 through these versions on French literature has 
 been a subject for debate among scholars. 
 The very large claims made for Sterne some 
 ten years ago by M. Joseph Texte have been 
 recently questioned by Professor Baldwin * of 
 Yale University. As a matter of fact the 
 limits of that influence can never be accurately 
 measured. To make a general statement, 
 Sterne but reinforced the sentimentalism of 
 Rousseau. "He was looked upon," says M. 
 Texte, " as a kind of prophet of the new religion 
 just brought into fashion by Rousseau, the 
 religion of self. " Without Sterne, the course of 
 French literature for the next generation would 
 have been in all essentials precisely what it is. 
 The great sentimentalists Saint-Pierre, Senan- 
 
 dam and Paris, 1769). Other translations of the Journey 
 were made by Michel (1787), Wailly (1847), Janin (1854), 
 Hedoun (1875), and Blemont (1884). 
 
 * Consult Joseph Texte, Jean Jacques Rousseau, English 
 translation by Matthews (London and New York, 1899) ; 
 and Professor Baldwin, The Literary Influence of Sterne in 
 France, in Publications of Modern Language Association, for 
 1902 (Vol. XVII, Baltimore). 
 
 xlvi
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 cour, Chateaubriand, and Madame dejStael 
 derive not from Sterne but from Rousseau. 
 
 Nevertheless the footprints of Sterne in 
 France may be discovered here and there in 
 a title, a mannerism, a direct borrowing, the 
 general outline of a journey or of a tale, in a 
 whimsical act of generosity, or an occasional 
 play with the single tear, like the one the angel 
 dropped upon Uncle Toby's oath. And two 
 or three writers really absorbed him. Mile, de 
 Lespinasse, the friend of d'Alembert, wrote a 
 brief sentimental tale in which Sterne himself 
 figures. It is related that a certain milkwoman 
 lost a cow : whereupon her patroness, Mme. 
 Geoffrin, gave her two cows, thus thwarting 
 malign fortune. Sterne on hearing of the kind 
 act " clasped Mme. Geoffrin in his arms and em- 
 braced her with ecstasy." This is only a short 
 sketch, but it is pretty good Sterne. Diderot 
 the encyclopedist, who was in Sterne's congre- 
 gation at the embassy, read Tristram Shandy 
 in the original, if he wrote, as it is said, his 
 Jacques le Fataliste as early as 1773. Jacques 
 and his master, both mounted, set out on a 
 free and easy tour which is to lead whither 
 chance directs. At the very opening of the 
 tale, Jacques begins the story of his amours, 
 
 xlvii
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 but some adventure, some other story, or a 
 disquisition, breaks in upon the narrative, with 
 the result that the valet's affaire de cceur is 
 pushed off to near the end of the volume. 
 Here we have not only a successful imitation 
 of Sterne's digressive manner, but open bor- 
 rowing. Jacques' amours are the amours of 
 Corporal Trim, who, it will be remembered, 
 was wounded in the knee, and fell in love with 
 the fair Beguine who nursed him. Besides 
 this, Diderot's novel contains other Shandy 
 incidents, as the case of the poor woman who 
 let drop a jug of oil, and was recompensed for 
 her loss by a handful of silver from the purse 
 of Jacques. Goethe read the novel through 
 at one sitting and pronounced it a masterpiece. 
 In 1808, it was continued by an unknown hand 
 under the title of Un Second Voyage de Jacques 
 leFataliste et de son Maitre, arid in 1850 it was 
 adapted to the vaudeville stage. 
 
 In the meantime, travellers more sentimen- 
 tal than Diderot had taken the road. In quest 
 of emotions, they traversed the provinces, 
 passed into Switzerland, and crossed the Pyre- 
 nees.* One of them in a happy moment of 
 
 * Without exhausting the list, M. Texte cites a Nouveau 
 voyage sentimental, taken out of Tristram Shandy , Levoyageuff 
 
 xlviii
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 inspiration conceived the plan of a journey 
 within the limits of his own room. From his 
 bed he travelled to his arm chair before the 
 fire, thence to a table, a book, or a picture, 
 and back again, over and over for forty-two 
 days. And each object became the theme 
 for an odd fancy. The Voyage autour de ma 
 Chambre is Sterne not so much in the way of 
 imitation as in inspiration. There are, to be 
 sure, some reminiscences of Sterne. One 
 chapter, save for le tertre, consists of asterisks, 
 and the next following contains only one sen- 
 tence. A tear of repentance is carefully wiped 
 from a dusty shoe, and a butterfly lying in the 
 chalice of a flower dies from the morning chilL 
 But what no other Frenchman has been able 
 to do, Xavier de Maistre created a whimsical 
 atmosphere of his own. It reminds one of 
 Sterne's but it is not Sterne's. In later years 
 the novelist attempted to repeat his first suc- 
 cess, and failed. Nobody ever reads the Ex- 
 pedition Nocturne autour de ma Chambre. 
 
 Besides Xavier de Maistre, other French 
 writers, whose work approaches more nearly 
 
 sentimental ou une promenade a Yverdun ; a Voyage dans 
 plusieurs provinces occidentals de la France; and a Voyage 
 sentimental dans les Pyrenees. 
 
 VOL. in. d xlix
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 to our own time, have known their Sterne 
 well but it is Tristram Shandy rather than 
 the Sentimental Journey. Victor Hugo's Bug- 
 Jargal, his first romance, written at the age 
 of sixteen, opens with starred lines and a 
 digression ; and Captain d'Auverney and Sar- 
 geant Thade'e belong to the kin of Uncle 
 Toby and Corporal Trim. The characters 
 assume the Sterne attitudes, and tears flow 
 for Rask, the Captain's wounded dog. But as 
 the tale progresses, Sterne is forgotten. The 
 Story of the King of Bohemia and his Seven 
 Castles, which Trim did not tell to Uncle 
 Toby, was related by Charles Nodier. And 
 finally The'ophile Gautier adopted some of 
 Sterne's oddities in Fortunio (1837). Quite 
 like Sterne, Gautier defends his haphazard 
 narrative against the canons of Aristotle, 
 Horace, and Schlegel, stops to remark on the 
 delayed entrance of the hero, and gives a chap- 
 ter to the heroine's cat. " How could a novel 
 or a poem be written," he asks, " without di- 
 gressions and episodes ? And how, if written, 
 could it be read ? " Perhaps Gautier was the 
 last Frenchman to be much influenced by 
 Sterne. I do not know. 
 
 Sterne himself never crossed the Rhine.
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 But his books were carried into Germany, 
 where they were received with the greatest 
 enthusiasm. In England and in France, men 
 of letters looked on and smiled at the comedy 
 that was being played about the Yorkshire 
 parson. In Germany he was taken in full seri- 
 ousness. What German writers said about him 
 for a quarter-century and the ways in which 
 they imitated him, would form, could it get 
 itself written, a most extraordinary chapter in 
 literary history. A summary of such a chapter 
 has been attempted by Professor Thomas 
 Stockham Baker. -** Sterne's influence upon 
 German literature," he says, " is evident in the 
 following particulars : He is chiefly responsi- 
 ble for the German sentimentalism of the last 
 half of the eighteenth century. He is the lit- 
 erary parent of a long list of German senti- 
 mental journeys, which began with Thummel's 
 Reiscn in die mittdgigen Provinzen Frankreichs 
 and ended with Heine's Reiscbildcr. He is an 
 important source for writers like Jean Paul 
 and Hippel. He is a forerunner of Sturm und 
 Drang. Finally, he has affected in a greater 
 or less degree, nearly every German writer 
 from 1765 to the close of the century." * 
 
 * Americana Germanica for 1899-
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 The remark on Sterne's relation to storm 
 and stress must forsooth be dismissed as a speci- 
 men of the occasional exaggeration that one 
 may expect in the doctorate thesis of a young 
 man. If Sterne played any part in that stormy 
 movement, it was very insignificant indeed. 
 But all the rest is undoubtedly true, except 
 that what is meant by sentimentalism needs 
 definition. The latent sentimentality of the 
 German nature Klopstock's angels weep- 
 was awakened by Rousseau. Unrelieved by 
 English humor and irony, Rousseau ism led, in 
 Goethe's phrase, to " a very disagreeable self- 
 torture." Goethe had in mind, it may be pre- 
 sumed, his own emotional state at the time he 
 wrote The Sorrows of Werther. "Among a 
 considerable collection of weapons," he says in 
 speaking of that period, " I possessed a hand- 
 some, well-polished, dagger. This I laid every 
 night by my bed, and before I extinguished 
 the candle, I tried whether I could succeed in 
 plunging the sharp point a couple of inches 
 deep into my heart. Since I could never 
 succeed in this, I at last laughed myself out 
 of the notion, and resolved to live." After 
 Werther, came the sentimental debauch, best 
 seen perhaps in Johann Martin Miller's clois- 
 
 lii
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 ter-story, called Siegwart ; wherein lovers sit 
 in the moonshine and watch each other's tears 
 sparkle in the pale light, while the whole 
 earth weeps in sympathy with the scene, and 
 the distant moon drops a tear. It was not 
 Sterne that pointed to self-slaughter as a means 
 for putting to an end the ills of life ; it was 
 Rousseau. It was not Sterne that reduced 
 nature to the tear as the primal element ; it 
 was Rousseau working through German seri- 
 ousness. The sentiment of Sterne is quite 
 different from this painful passion. Sterne 
 indulged his feelings because of the sweet and 
 pleasurable sensations that ensued. If he tore 
 his nerves to pieces in writing the Sentimental 
 Journey, the occupation was one of delight. 
 He would gladly have lived on forever for the 
 merest bagatelles of existence. All this the 
 Germans saw and understood well. As early 
 as 1769, Johann Georg Jacobi enumerated the 
 characteristics of Sterne as they appeared to 
 him. They are gentleness (Sanftmuth], con- 
 tent with the world (Zufriedenheit mit der 
 Welt], and pardon for the errors of mankind 
 (Verzdhung fur die Fehler der Mcnscheri). 
 And Goethe often repeated in essentials the 
 words of Jacobi, adding however an apprecia- 
 
 liii
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 tion of Sterne's humor. " Yorick Sterne," he 
 once said, " was the best type of wit that ever 
 exerted an influence in literature. Whoever 
 reads him feels himself at once lifted above the 
 petty cares of the world. His humor is inimi- 
 table, and it is not every kind of humor that 
 leaves the soul calm and serene."* It is thus 
 
 x evident that in German literature Sterne was 
 
 i 
 
 mainly a force running counter to Rousseau. 
 Under Sterne's guidance, the writers of the 
 younger generation passed from self-torture 
 into a perfectly harmless, if still disagreeable, 
 sort of sentimentalism. They and their charac- 
 ters drop their heads upon one another's shoul- 
 ders and let the eyes stream. But the tears are 
 tears of joy and not of woe. Goethe and some 
 others saw the humor of it all, and were careful 
 not to let the dagger penetrate far beneath the 
 skin. Yorick had evoked that humor. 
 
 I have come more quickly than I intended 
 to the outcome of Sterne's influence in Ger- 
 many ; for it is the details that are the interest- 
 ing part. Readers of the Sentimental Journey 
 
 * " Yorik Sterne war der schonste Geist, der je gewirkt 
 hat ; wer ihn liest, fiihlt sich sogleich frei und schon ; sein 
 Humor 1st unnachahmlich, und nicht jeder Humor befreit 
 die Seele." 
 
 liv
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 will recall the incident at Calais, where Yorick 
 and Father Lorenzo, the poor Franciscan 
 monk, exchange snuff-boxes, with streams of 
 good-nature in their eyes. The episode sug- 
 gested to the poet Jacobi the formation of a 
 Lorenzo order among his friends at Hamburg, 
 for the study of Sterne in the original. The 
 members presented one another with snuff- 
 boxes and agreed to carry out into life the 
 bonhomie of Yorick on his journeys. This 
 was the first, it is said, of many similar coteries. 
 In the same year which was 1769 Jacobi 
 composed, under the Sterne inspiration, a Wln- 
 terreise and a Sommerreise, short prose pieces 
 interspersed with verses. Wieland, the poet 
 and philosopher, read Tristram Shandy in 1767, 
 and the Sentimental Journey just after it ap- 
 peared in English, and was most extravagant 
 in praise of them. " I know of no other book," 
 he says of Tristram Shandy, "which contains 
 so much genuine Socratic wisdom, so deep a 
 knowledge of mankind, so fine a sense for the 
 beautiful and the good, so large a mass of fresh 
 and admirable moral observations, and so much 
 sound judgment united with so great wit and 
 genius." Wieland wrote a short lyric called 
 Chloc, founded on the Provencal scene in Tris- 
 
 lv
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 tram Shandy, and several Socratic dialogues 
 which have a flavor of the Shandy household. 
 The Sterne sentiment in permeating through 
 Wieland's nature came out a refined sensuality. 
 On the death of Sterne, Lessing said that he 
 would gladly have given him two or three 
 years from his own life. There is little or 
 nothing of Sterne in Lessing, but he placed the 
 Sentimental Journey in the hands of Bode as a 
 good book to translate into German.* And 
 when Bode became perplexed over the render- 
 ing of the word sentimental, Lessing coined for 
 him empfindsam, which at once came into gene- 
 ral use. Among the greatest of the Germans, 
 Schiller understood Sterne the least well. To 
 him, the English humorist was little more than 
 a name to illustrate a type of genius described 
 in the essay On Naive and Sentimental Poetry. 
 Not so, as we have seen, was it with Goethe. 
 He read Sterne while a student at Strassburg, 
 and the impression made upon him lasted till 
 the end. In his old age he wrote to Zelter : 
 " I have again been looking into Sterne's Tris- 
 
 * YoricWs Empfindsame Reise durch Frankreich und Italicn 
 was published at Hamburg and Bremen, in two parts 
 (1768-69). Tristram Shandy s Leben und Meinungen, also 
 by Bode, appeared at Hamburg (9 vols. 1774). 
 
 Ivi
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 tram, which made a great sensation in Ger- 
 many, just at the time when I was a wretched 
 little fellow at school. As years went on, my 
 admiration for it increased, and is still increas- 
 ing, for who, in the year 1759, saw through 
 Pedantry and Philistinism so well, or described 
 it so cheerily ? As yet I have not found his 
 equal in the wide circle of letters." * At times 
 Goethe feared that he himself might fall into 
 the sentimental mood in describing his travels, 
 but he probably escaped what he regarded as 
 bad art for himself, except perhaps in his first 
 Letters from Switzerland. There we have, in 
 the opinion of Scherer, the subjectivity of 
 Sterne. 
 
 Yorick journeys, such as Goethe aimed to 
 avoid, became very numerous. In a whimsical 
 dramatic piece of his called Der Triumph der 
 Empfindsamkeit, he emptied a sackful of them 
 upon the stage. And Lichtenberg, who ridi- 
 culed all new fashions in literature, said : " It 
 was highly amusing to sit and watch thirty 
 Yoricks riding their hobby-horses in spirals 
 about a goal which they might have reached 
 the day before in one step." Besides winter 
 journeys and summer journeys already men- 
 
 * A. D. Coleridge's translation. 
 
 Ivii
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 tioned, there were day journeys and night 
 journeys, to various places in France, Germany, 
 Switzerland, Holland, and elsewhere. So far 
 as I know of them, they have the outer form 
 of the Sentimental Journey but the digressive 
 style of Tristram S/tandy. To write one of 
 them it was not necessary to take a trip any- 
 where for incidents and experiences. Not at 
 all ; for nothing was described, except what 
 could be collected from guide books. The 
 journey was simply a device for expressing 
 opinions on all sorts of questions, in politics, 
 religion, morals, and literature. To a general 
 statement like this there are of course excep- 
 tions. Hippel developed an impressive, if 
 gloomy, allegory in his Kreuz-und-Querziige 
 des Ritters A bis Z (Zigzag Journeys of the 
 Knight A to Z). This Alpha and Omega 
 Knight, after passing through the dangers of 
 birth and youth, is overwhelmed with grief on 
 the death of his father. To calm his mind, he 
 sets out with his squire on a ramble through 
 the world. It is a quest, says Hippel, for that 
 El Dorado that can only be found in one's own 
 heart. The zigzags lead at last to the grave. 
 
 Still better is Richter's Des Feldpredigers 
 Sckmclzle Reise nach Fldtz, which was trans- 
 
 Iviii
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 lated into English by Carlyle under the title 
 Army-Chaplain Schmehle's Journey to Flatz. 
 It is the story of a chaplain who after being 
 dismissed from his regiment because of cow- 
 ardice, goes to Flatz to petition General Scha- 
 backer to give him in return a Catechetical 
 Professorship. The sketch is accompanied by 
 running footnotes, misnumbered, and having 
 nothing to do with the subject in hand. Per- 
 haps more of the real Sterne, though less of 
 the externals, may be found elsewhere in 
 Richter, especially in his Leben des Quintus 
 Fixlein, which was also translated by Carlyle. 
 Fixlein is a poor schoolmaster who becomes a 
 village parson. He writes many strange books 
 that never get printed ; among which is a col- 
 lection of all the misprints to be found in 
 German literature. Richter's characters are 
 given to varied whims, but most commonly to 
 some sort of fear. Schmelzle, afraid of walk- 
 ing in his sleep, ties his right toe o'nights to 
 the bedpost or to his wife's left hand. Fixlein 
 imagines that like his father he must die on 
 his thirty-second birthday ; the time ap- 
 proaches and he falls into fever. As he lies 
 upon his bed, he dreams that death, the skele- 
 ton of his father, is tapping with cold finger
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 upon his fevered heart ; the next moment this 
 apparition is transformed into "the splendor 
 of an angel flying hither and thither from the 
 starry blue " ; and as the delirium leaves him, 
 he sees his wife bending over him and looking 
 into his large, hot eyes. This is all Sterne 
 humor and pathos after it has passed through 
 the imagination of a great German. 
 
 It is a far cry from Sterne to Heine. The 
 storm and stress and the Romantic revival 
 intervene. But Sterne has not been forgotten. 
 The Sentimental Journey was among the books 
 that Heine read as a boy ; and the ReiseUlder 
 (Pictures of Travel) are more or less founded 
 upon its plan. Whether Heine journeys 
 through the Hartz mountains or into Italy, it 
 is not what he sees that most interests ; it is 
 the record of his sensations, or his opinions on 
 subjects that may or may not have some con- 
 nection with the travels. Objective he is at 
 times, and splendidly so ; but for a half part 
 at least, there is in his travel-pictures, says 
 Scherer, "the same cobweb of individualism 
 spun over external objects " as in Sterne. 
 What charmed him in Italy and what 
 charmed Sterne also were her women with 
 " pale elegiac faces " and " great black eyes." 
 
 be
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 And how like Sterne the incident at Goslar 
 in the Harzreise. A beautiful girl is standing 
 by her door in the evening twilight. " I 
 quickly snatched a kiss," says Heine, " and as 
 she was about to fly, I whispered apologeti- 
 cally, ' To-morrow I leave this town, and never 
 return again.' Then I perceived a faint pressure 
 of the lovely lips and of the little hand, and I 
 went smiling away." Heine returns to his 
 inn, and stands at his window watching the 
 moon. " Is there," he asks himself, " really a 
 man in the moon ? " And the man in the moon 
 suggests reflections on love and immortality. 
 This is Sterne's manner. But we must not 
 insist too much on these resemblances, for 
 Heine is no echo of Sterne. They were quite 
 unlike in temperament. Heine's weird poetic 
 fancy, his vigor, wit, mockery, and scorn, quali- 
 ties whereby Heine is Heine, do not derive 
 from Sterne. But without Sterne there would 
 have been no Reisebilder. In the Romantische 
 Schule, the brilliant history of German roman- 
 ticism that followed the sketches of travel, 
 Heine turned aside from his main theme to 
 pay to Sterne the finest tribute that has yet 
 come from any pen. The characterization is 
 also just, except that Heine discovered in 
 
 bd
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 Sterne a depth of feeling which he did not 
 possess. " He is," wrote Heine in that splen- 
 did passage, " a born equal of William Shake- 
 speare, and him too, Laurence Sterne, have the 
 muses nurtured on Parnassus. But after the 
 fashion of women they have spoiled him while 
 a child with their caresses. He was the foster 
 child of the pale tragic divinity. Once the 
 latter, in an access of awful tenderness, kissed 
 him on his young heart with such power, such 
 strength of love, and with such a draught of 
 passion, that the heart began to bleed and 
 suddenly understood all the sorrows of the 
 world, and was filled with infinite compassion. 
 Poor young poet heart ! But the younger 
 daughter of Mnemosyne, the rosy goddess of 
 humour, skipped quickly up to him, and took 
 the suffering child in her arms, and tried to 
 enliven him with her laughter and singing, 
 and gave him as toys to play with the comic 
 mask and the bells of folly, and kissed him 
 soothingly on the lips and kissed upon them 
 all her frivolity, all her saucy joy and all her 
 mockery and wit."* W. L. C. 
 
 * Stigand's Life of Heine, Vol. I, p. 411. 
 
 brii
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, 
 
 GENTLEMAN. 
 
 Dixero si quid forte jocosiut, hoc mihi juris 
 Cum venia dabis. HOE. 
 
 Si quis calumnietur levins esse quam decet theologum, 
 aut mordacius quam deceat Christianum non Ego, 
 sed Democritus dixit ERASMUS. 
 
 Si quis Clericus, aut Monachus, verba Joculatoria, visum 
 moventia sciebat anathema esto. 
 
 Second Council of CARTHAGE.
 
 TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE 
 
 JOHN, 
 LORD VISCOUNT SPENCER. 
 
 MY LORD, 
 
 HUMBLY beg leave to offer you these 
 two Volumes ; * they are the best my 
 talents, with such bad health as I have, 
 could produce: had Providence granted me 
 a larger stock of either, they had been a 
 much more proper present to your Lord- 
 ship. 
 
 I beg your Lordship will forgive me, if, 
 at the same time I dedicate this work to 
 you, I join Lady SPENCER, in the liberty I 
 
 * Volumes V. and VI. in the first Edition.
 
 take of inscribing the story of Le Fever to 
 her name; for which I have no other mo- 
 tive, which my heart has informed me of, 
 but that the story is a humane one. 
 
 I am, 
 
 MY LORD, 
 
 Your Lordship's most devoted 
 and most humble Servant, 
 
 LAUR. STERNE.
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENT. 
 
 BOOK V. 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 IF it had not been for those two mettle- 
 some tits, and that madcap of a postil- 
 lion who drove them from Stilton to 
 Stamford, the thought had never entered 
 my head. He flew like lightning there 
 
 was a slope of three miles and a half 
 
 we scarce touched the ground the mo- 
 tion was most rapid most impetuous 
 
 -'twas communicated to my brain 
 my heart partook of it "By the great 
 God of day," said I, looking towards the 
 sun, and thrusting my arm out of the fore-
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 window of the chaise, as I made my vow, 
 "I will lock up my study-door the moment 
 I get home, and throw the key of it ninety 
 feet below the surface of the earth, into the 
 draw-well at the back of my house." 
 
 The London waggon confirmed me in my 
 resolution; it hung tottering upon the hill, 
 scarce progressive, drag'd drag'd up by 
 
 eight heavy beasts "by main strength! 
 
 quoth I, nodding but your betters draw 
 
 the same way and something of every- 
 body's! O rare!" 
 
 Tell me, ye learned, shall we for ever be 
 adding so much to the bulk so little to the 
 stock? 
 
 Shall we for ever make new books, as 
 apothecaries make new mixtures, by pour- 
 ing only out of one vessel into another ? 
 
 Are we for ever to be twisting, and un- 
 twisting the same rope ? for ever in the 
 same track for ever at the same pace ? 
 
 Shall we be destined to the days of eter- 
 nity, on holy-days, as well as working-days, 
 to be shewing the r clicks of learning, as 
 monks do the relicks of their saints without 
 working one one single miracle with them? 
 
 Who made Man, with powers which dart
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 him from earth to heaven in a moment 
 that great, that most excellent, and most 
 noble creature of the world the miracle of 
 nature, as Zoroaster in his book Trepi <f>vo-eo*<; 
 called him the SHEKINAH of the divine 
 
 presence, as Chrysostom the image of 
 
 God, as Moses the ray of divinity, as 
 
 Plato the marvel of marvels, as Aristotle- 
 to go sneaking on at this pitiful pimping 
 
 pettifogging rate? 
 
 I scorn to be as abusive as Horace upon 
 
 the occasion but if there is no cata- 
 
 chresis in the wish, and no sin in it, I wish 
 from my soul, that every imitator in Great 
 Britain, France, and Ireland, had the farcy 
 for his pains; and that there was a good 
 farcical house, large enough to hold aye 
 and sublimate them, shag -rag and bob-tail, 
 male and female, all together; and this 
 
 leads me to the affair of Whiskers but, 
 
 by what chain of ideas I leave as a legacy 
 in mort-main to Prudes and Tartufs, to en- 
 joy and make the most of. 
 
 UPON WHISKERS. 
 
 I'm sorry I made it 'twas as incon- 
 siderate a promise as ever entered a man's
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 head A chapter upon whiskers! alas! the 
 
 world will not bear it 'tis a delicate world 
 
 but I knew not of what mettle it was 
 
 made nor had I ever seen the under- 
 written fragment; otherwise, as surely as 
 noses are noses, and whiskers are whiskers 
 still (let the world say what it will to the 
 contrary); so surely would I have steered 
 clear of this dangerous chapter. 
 
 THE FRAGMENT. 
 
 ********* 
 
 You are half asleep, my good lady, 
 
 said the old gentleman, taking hold of the old 
 lady's hand, and giving it a gentle squeeze, as 
 
 he pronounced the word Whiskers shall 
 
 we change the subject ? By no means, re- 
 plied the old lady I like your account of 
 those matters : so throwing a thin gauze hand- 
 kerchief over her head, and leaning it back 
 upon the chair with her face turned towards 
 him, and advancing her two feet as she re- 
 clined herself 1 desire, continued she, 
 
 you will go on. 
 
 The old gentleman went on as follows: 
 
 10
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Whiskers! cried the queen of Na- 
 varre, dropping her knotting ball, as La 
 
 Fosseuse uttered the word Whiskers, 
 
 madam, said La Fosseuse, pinning the ball 
 to the queen's apron, and making a courtesy 
 as she repeated it. 
 
 La Fosseuse 1 s voice was naturally soft and 
 low, yet 'twas an articulate voice: and every 
 letter of the word WTmkers fell distinctly 
 upon the queen of Navarre's ear Whiskers! 
 cried the queen, laying a greater stress upon 
 the word, and as if she had still distrusted her 
 ears -Whiskers! replied La Fosseuse, re- 
 peating the word a third time There is 
 
 not a cavalier, madam, of his age in Navarre, 
 continued the maid of honour, pressing the 
 page's interest upon the queen, that has so 
 
 gallant a pair Of what ? cried Margaret, 
 
 smiling Of whiskers, said La Fosseuse, with 
 infinite modesty. 
 
 The word Whiskers still stood its ground, 
 and continued to be made use of in most of 
 the best companies throughout the little king- 
 dom of Navarre, notwithstanding the indis- 
 creet use which La Fosseuse had made of it: 
 the truth was, La Fosseuse had pronounced 
 the word, not only before the queen, but 
 
 11
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 upon sundry other occasions at court, with 
 an accent which always implied something of 
 a mystery And as the court of Margaret, as 
 all the world knows, was at that time a mix- 
 ture of gallantry and devotion and whis- 
 kers being as applicable to the one, as the 
 other, the word naturally stood its ground 
 
 it gain'd full as much as it lost; that is, 
 
 the clergy were for it the laity were 
 
 against it and for the women, they 
 
 were divided. 
 
 The excellency of the figure and mien of 
 the young Sieur JDe Croix, was at that time 
 beginning to draw the attention of the maids 
 of honour towards the terrace before the pal- 
 ace gate, where the guard was mounted. 
 The lady De Baussiere fell deeply in love 
 with him, La B attar elle did the same- 
 it was the finest weather for it, that ever 
 
 was remembered in Navarre La Guyol, 
 
 La Maronette, La Sabatiere, fell in love 
 
 with the Sieur De Croix also La Re- 
 
 bours and La Fosseuse knew better De 
 
 Croix had failed in an attempt to recom- 
 mend himself to La Rebours; and La Re- 
 bours and La Fosseuse were inseparable. 
 
 The queen of Navarre was sitting with 
 
 12
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 her ladies in the painted bow-window, fac- 
 ing the gate of the second court, as De 
 Croix passed through it He is handsome, 
 said the Lady Baussiere. - He has a good 
 mien, said La Battarelle - He is finely 
 shaped, said La G-uyol I never saw an 
 officer of the horse-guards in my life, said 
 La Maronette, with two such legs -- Or who 
 stood so well upon them, said La Sabatiere 
 But he has no whiskers, cried La Fos- 
 seuse - Not a ^ile, said La Rebours. \ 
 
 The queen went directly to her oratory, 
 musing all the way, as she walked through 
 the gallery, upon the subject; turning it 
 this way and that way in her fancy Ave 
 Maria ! -- what can La Fosseuse mean ? 
 said she, kneeling down upon the cushion. 
 
 La Guyol, La Battarelle, La Maronette, 
 La Sabatiere, retired instantly to their cham- 
 bers Whiskers! said all four of them 
 to themselves, as they bolted their doors on 
 the inside. 
 
 The Lady Carnavallette was counting her 
 beads with both hands, unsuspected, under 
 her farthingal from St Antony down to 
 St Ursula inclusive, not a saint passed 
 through her fingers without whiskers; St 
 
 13
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Francis, St Dominick, St Sennet, St Basil, 
 St Bridget, had all whiskers. 
 
 The Lady Baussiere had got into a wil- 
 derness of conceits, with moralizing too in- 
 tricately upon La Fosseuse's text She 
 
 mounted her palfrey, her page followed her 
 
 the host passed by the Lady Baussiere 
 
 rode on. 
 
 One denier, cried the order of mercy 
 one single denier, in behalf of a thousand 
 patient captives, whose eyes look towards 
 heaven and you for their redemption. 
 
 The Lady Baussiere rode on. 
 
 Pity the unhappy, said a devout, vener- 
 able, hoary-headed man, meekly holding up 
 a box, begirt with iron, in his withered 
 
 hands 1 beg for the unfortunate good 
 
 my Lady, 'tis for a prison for an hospital 
 'tis for an old man a poor man undone 
 by shipwreck, by suretyship, by fire I 
 call God and all his angels to witness 
 'tis to clothe the naked- -to feed the 
 
 hungry 'tis to comfort the sick and the 
 
 broken-hearted. 
 
 The Lady Baussiere rode on. 
 
 A decayed kinsman bowed himself to the 
 ground. 
 
 14
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 -The Lady Baussiere rode on. 
 
 He ran begging bare-headed on one side 
 of her palfrey, conjuring her by the former 
 bonds of friendship, alliance, consanguinity, 
 
 &c. Cousin, aunt, sister, mother, for 
 
 virtue's sake, for your own, for mine, for 
 
 Christ's sake, remember me pity me. 
 
 The Lady Baussiere rode on. 
 
 Take hold of my whiskers, said the Lady 
 Baussiere- -The page took hold of her 
 palfrey. She dismounted at the end of the 
 terrace. 
 
 There are some trains of certain ideas 
 which leave prints of themselves about our 
 eyes and eye-brows ; and there is a con- 
 sciousness of it, somewhere about the heart, 
 which serves but to make these etchings the 
 stronger we see, spell, and put them to- 
 gether without a dictionary. 
 
 Ha, ha! he, hee! cried La Guyol and La 
 Sabatiere, looking close at each other's prints 
 
 Ho, ho! cried La Battarelle and Maro- 
 nette, doing the same: Whist! cried one 
 st, st, said a second, hush, quoth a third 
 poo, poo, replied a fourth gramercy ! 
 cried the Lady Carnavallette; -'twas she 
 who bewhisker'd St Bridget. 
 
 16
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 La Fosseuse drew her bodkin from the knot 
 of her hair, and having traced the outline of 
 a small whisker, with the blunt end of it, upon 
 one side of her upper lip, put it into La Re- 
 bours' hand La Rebours shook her head. 
 
 The Lady Baussiere coughed thrice into 
 the inside of her muff La Guyol smiled 
 Fy, said the Lady Baussiere. The queen of 
 Navarre touched her eye with the tip of 
 her fore-finger as much as to say, I un- 
 derstand you all. 
 
 'Twas plain to the whole court the word 
 was ruined: La Fosseuse had given it a 
 wound, and it was not the better for pass- 
 ing through all these defiles It made a 
 
 faint stand, however, for a few months, by 
 the expiration of which, the Sieur De Croix, 
 finding it high time to leave Navarre for 
 want of whiskers the word in course be- 
 came indecent, and (after a few efforts) abso- 
 lutely unfit for use. 
 
 The best word, in the best language of the 
 best world, must have suffered under such 
 
 combinations. The curate of d'Estella 
 
 wrote a book against them, setting forth 
 the dangers of accessory ideas, and warning 
 the Navarois against them. 
 
 18
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Does not all the world know, said the 
 curate d'Estella at the conclusion of his 
 work, that Noses ran the same fate some 
 centuries ago in most parts of Europe, 
 which Whiskers have now done in the 
 kingdom of Navarre ? The evil indeed 
 spread no farther then but have not beds 
 and bolsters, and nightcaps and chamber- 
 pots stood upon the brink of destruction 
 ever since ? Are not trouse, and placket- 
 holes, and pump-handles and spigots and 
 faucets, in danger still from the same asso- 
 ciation? Chastity, by nature, the gentlest 
 
 of all affections give it but its head 'tis 
 
 like a ramping and a roaring lion. 
 
 The drift of the curate d 'Estella 's argu- 
 ment was not understood. They ran the 
 scent the wrong way. The world bridled 
 his ass at the tail. And when the extremes 
 of DELICACY, and the beginnings of CONCU- 
 PISCENCE, hold their next provincial chapter 
 together, they may decree that bawdy also. 
 
 i?
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 WHEN my father received the letter 
 which brought him the melancholy 
 account of my brother Bobby's 
 death, he was busy calculating the expence 
 of his riding post from Calais to Paris, and 
 so on to Lyons. 
 
 'Twas a most inauspicious journey; my 
 father having had every foot of it to travel 
 over again, and his calculation to begin 
 afresh, when he had almost got to the end 
 of it, by Obadiah's opening the door to ac- 
 quaint him the family was out of yeast 
 and to ask whether he might not take the 
 great coach-horse early in the morning and 
 ride in search of some. With all my heart, 
 Obadiah, said my father (pursuing his jour- 
 ney) take the coach-horse, and welcome. 
 
 But he wants a shoe, poor creature ! 
 
 said Obadiah. - - Poor creature ! said my 
 uncle Toby, vibrating the note back again, 
 like a string in unison. Then ride the 
 Scotch horse, quoth my father hastily. He 
 
 18
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 cannot bear a saddle upon his back, quoth 
 
 Obadiah, for the whole world. The 
 
 devil's in that horse; then take PATRIOT, 
 
 cried my father, and shut the door. 
 
 PATRIOT is sold, said Obadiah. Here's for 
 you! cried my father, making a pause, and 
 looking in my uncle Toby's face, as if the 
 thing had not been a matter of fact. Your 
 worship ordered me to sell him last April, 
 said Obadiah. - - Then go on foot for your 
 pains, cried my father. - 1 had much 
 rather walk than ride, said Obadiah, shut- 
 ting the door. 
 
 What plagues! cried my father, going on 
 with his calculation. But the waters are 
 out, said Obadiah, opening the door again. 
 
 Till that moment, my father, who had a 
 map of Sanson's, and a book of the post- 
 roads before him, had kept his hand upon 
 the head of his compasses, with one foot of 
 them fixed upon Nevers, the last stage he 
 had paid for purposing to go on from that 
 point with his journey and calculation, as 
 soon as Obadiah quitted the room: but this 
 second attack of Obadiafcs, in opening the 
 door and laying . the whole country under 
 water, was too much. - - He let go his 
 
 19
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 compasses or rather with a mixed motion 
 between accident and anger, he threw them 
 upon the table; and then there was nothing 
 for him to do, but to return back to Calais 
 (like many others) as wise as he had set 
 out. 
 
 When the letter was brought into the 
 parlour, which contained the news of my 
 brother's death, my father had got for- 
 wards again upon his journey to within a 
 stride of the compasses of the very same 
 
 stage of Nevers. By your leave, Mons. 
 
 Sanson, cried my father, striking the point 
 of his compasses through Nevers into the 
 table and nodding to my uncle Toby, to 
 see what was in the letter twice of one 
 night, is too much for an English gentle- 
 man and his son, Mons. Sanson, to be 
 turned back from so lousy a town as 
 Nevers What think' st thou, Toby ? added 
 
 my father in a sprightly tone. Unless it 
 
 be a garrison town, said my uncle Toby 
 
 for then 1 shall be a fool, said my 
 
 father, smiling to himself, as long as I live. 
 So giving a second nod and keeping his 
 compasses still upon Nevers with one hand, 
 and holding his book of the post-roads in 
 
 20
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 the other half calculating and half listen- 
 ing, he leaned forwards upon the table with 
 both elbows, as my uncle Toby hummed 
 over the letter. 
 
 he's gone! said 
 my uncle Toby. -Where -Who? cried 
 
 my father. My nephew, said my uncle 
 
 Toby. - - What without leave without 
 money without governor ? cried my father 
 
 in amazement. No: he is dead, my dear 
 
 brother, quoth my uncle Toby. Without 
 being ill ? cried my father again. I dare 
 say not, said my uncle Toby, in a low 
 voice, and fetching a deep sigh from the 
 bottom of his heart, he has been ill enough, 
 poor lad! I'll answer for him for he is 
 dead. 
 
 When Agrippina was told of her son's 
 death, Tacitus informs us, that, not being 
 able to moderate the violence of her pas- 
 sions, she abruptly broke off her work. My 
 father stuck his compasses into Nevers, but 
 so much the faster. What contrarieties I 
 his, indeed, was matter of calculation ! 
 
 21
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 AgrippincCs must have been quite a differ- 
 ent affair; who else could pretend to reason 
 from history? 
 
 How my father went on, in my opinion, 
 deserves a chapter to itself. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 And a chapter it shall have, 
 
 and a devil of a one too so look to your- 
 selves. 
 
 'Tis either Plato, or Plutarch, or Seneca, 
 or Xenophon, or Epictetus, or Theophrastus, 
 or Lucian or some one perhaps of later 
 date either Cardan, or Budceus, or Petrarch, 
 or Stella or possibly it may be some divine 
 or father of the church, St Austin, or St 
 Cyprian, or Barnard, who affirms that it is 
 an irresistible and natural passion to weep 
 for the loss of our friends or children and 
 Seneca (I'm positive) tells us somewhere, 
 that such griefs evacuate themselves best by 
 that particular channel And accordingly we 
 find, that David wept for his son Abs'alom 
 
 22
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Adrian for his Antinous Niobe for her chil- 
 dren, and that Apollodorus and Crito both 
 shed tears for Socrates before his death. 
 
 My father managed his affliction other- 
 wise; and indeed differently from most men 
 either ancient or modern ; for he neither 
 wept it away, as the Hebrews and the 
 Romans or slept it off, as the Laplanders 
 or hanged it, as the English, or drowned 
 it, as the Germans nor did he curse it, or 
 damn it, or excommunicate it, or rhyme it, 
 or lillabullero it. 
 
 He got rid of it, however. 
 
 Will your worships give me leave to 
 squeeze in a story between these two 
 pages ? 
 
 When Tully was bereft of his dear 
 daughter Tullia, at first he laid it to his 
 heart, he listened to the voice of nature, 
 and modulated his own unto it. O my 
 Tullia! my daughter 1 my child! still, still, 
 still, 'twas O my Tullia ! my Tullia ! 
 Methinks I see my Tullia, I hear my 
 Tullia, I talk with my Tullia. But as 
 soon as he began to look into the stores of 
 philosophy, and consider how many excel- 
 lent things might be said upon the occa- 
 
 ss
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 sion no body upon earth can conceive, says 
 the great orator, how happy, how joyful it 
 made me. 
 
 My father was as proud of his eloquence 
 as MARCUS TULLIUS CICERO could be for 
 his life, and, for aught I am convinced of 
 to the contrary at present, with as much 
 reason: it was indeed his strength and his 
 
 weakness too. His strength for he was 
 
 by nature eloquent, and his weakness for 
 he was hourly a dupe to it: and, provided 
 an occasion in life would but permit him to 
 shew his talents, or say either a wise thing, 
 a witty, or a shrewd one (bating the case 
 of a systematic misfortune) he had all he 
 wanted. A blessing which tied up my 
 father's tongue, and a misfortune which let 
 it loose with a good grace, were pretty equal : 
 sometimes, indeed, the misfortune was the 
 better of the two; for instance, where the 
 pleasure of the harangue was as ten, and 
 the pain of the misfortune but as five my 
 father gained half in half, and consequently 
 was as well again off, as if it had never be- 
 fallen him. 
 
 This clue will unravel what otherwise 
 would seem very inconsistent in my father's 
 
 24
 
 OF'jjpUSTRAM SHANDY 
 
 domestic character; and it is this, that, in 
 the provocations arising from the neglects 
 and blunders of servants, or other mishaps 
 unavoidable in a family, his anger, or rather 
 the duration *of it, eternally ran counter to 
 all conjecture. 
 
 My father had a favourite little mare, 
 which he had consigned over to a most 
 beautiful Arabian horse, in order to have a 
 pad out of her for his own riding: he was 
 sanguine in all his projects; so talked about 
 his pad every day with as absolute a secu- 
 rity, as if it had been reared, broke, and 
 bridled and saddled at his door ready for 
 mounting. By some neglect or other in 
 Obadiah, it so fell out, that my father's 
 expectations were answered with nothing 
 better than a mule, and as ugly a beast of 
 the kind as ever was produced. 
 
 My mother and my uncle Toby expected 
 my father would be the death of Obadiah 
 and that there never would be an end of 
 the disaster. See here! you rascal, cried 
 my father, pointing to the mule, what you 
 have done!- -It was not me, said Oba- 
 diah. -How do I know that? replied my 
 father. 
 
 36 
 
 * 
 

 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Triumph swam in my father's eyes, at 
 the repartee the Attic salt brought water 
 into them and so Obadiah heard no more 
 about it. 
 
 Now let us go back to my brother's 
 death. 
 
 Philosophy has a fine saying for every 
 thing. For Death it has an entire set; the 
 misery was, they all at once rushed into my 
 father's head, that 'twas difficult to string 
 them together, so as to make any thing of 
 a consistent show out of them. He took 
 them as they came. 
 
 " 'Tis an inevitable chance the first stat- 
 ute in Magna Charta it is an everlasting 
 act of parliament, my dear brother, All 
 must die. 
 
 ' ' If my son could not have died, it had 
 been matter of wonder, not that he is 
 dead. 
 
 " Monarchs and princes dance in the same 
 ring with us. 
 
 " To die, is the great debt and tribute 
 due unto nature : tombs and monuments, 
 which should perpetuate our memories, pay 
 it themselves; and the proudest pyramid of 
 them all, which wealth and science have 
 
 96
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 erected, has lost its apex, and stands ob- 
 truncated in the traveller's horizon." (My 
 father found he got great ease, and went 
 on) "Kingdoms and provinces, and towns 
 and cities, have they not their periods? and 
 when those principles and powers, which at 
 first cemented and put them together, have 
 performed their several evolutions, they fall 
 back." -Brother Shandy, said my uncle 
 Toby, laying down his pipe at the word 
 evolutions Revolutions, I meant, quoth my 
 father, by heaven! I meant revolutions, 
 
 brother Toby evolutions is nonsense. 
 
 'Tis not nonsense said my uncle Toby. 
 
 But is it not nonsense to break the thread 
 of such a discourse, upon such an occasion? 
 cried my father do not dear Toby, con- 
 tinued he, taking him by the hand, do not 
 do not, I beseech thee, interrupt me at 
 this crisis. My uncle Toby put his pipe 
 into his mouth. 
 
 "Where is Troy, and Mycence, and Thebes 
 and Delos, and Persepolis and Agrigentum ? ' ' 
 continued my father, taking up his book 
 of post-roads, which he had laid down. 
 ' ' What is become, brother Toby, of Nineveh 
 and Babylon, of Cizicum and Mitylence ? The
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 fairest towns that ever the sun rose upon, 
 are now no more; the names only are left, 
 and those (for many of them are wrong spelt) 
 are falling themselves by piece-meals to de- 
 cay, and in length of time will be forgotten, 
 and involved with every thing in a perpetual 
 night: the world itself, brother Toby, must 
 must come to an end. 
 
 Returning out of A sia, when I sailed from 
 JEgina towards Megara,^ (when can this 
 have been ? thought my uncle Toby) ' * I began 
 to view the country round about. JEgina 
 was behind me, Megara was before, Pyrceus 
 on the right hand, Corinth on the left. 
 What flourishing towns now prostrate upon 
 the earth! Alas! alas! said I to myself, 
 that man should disturb his soul for the 
 loss of a child, when so much as this lies 
 awfully buried in his presence Remem- 
 ber, said I to myself again remember thou 
 art a man." 
 
 Now my uncle Toby knew not that this 
 last paragraph was an extract of Servius 
 Sulpicius's consolatory letter to Tully. He 
 had as little skill, honest man, in the frag- 
 ments, as he had in the whole pieces of an- 
 tiquity. And as my father, whilst he was 
 
 28
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 concerned in the Turkey trade, had been 
 three or four different times in the Levant, 
 in one of which he had staid a whole year 
 and an half at Zant, my uncle Toby natu- 
 rally concluded, that, in some one of these 
 periods, he had taken a trip across the 
 Archipelago into Asia; and that all this 
 sailing affair with &gina behind, and Me- 
 gara before, and Pyrceus on the right hand, 
 &c. &c. was nothing more than the true 
 course of my father's voyage and reflections. 
 -'Twas certainly in his manner, and many 
 an undertaking critic would have built two 
 stories higher upon worse foundations. And 
 pray, brother, quoth my uncle Toby, laying 
 the end of his pipe upon my father's hand 
 in a kindly way of interruption but wait- 
 ing till he finished the account what year 
 of our Lord was this ? 'Twas no year of 
 our Lord, replied my father. That's im- 
 possible, cried my uncle Toby. Simpleton! 
 said my father, - - 'twas forty years before 
 Christ was born. 
 
 My uncle Toby had but two things for 
 it; either to suppose his brother to be the 
 wandering Jew, or that his misfortunes had 
 disordered his brain. "May the Lord God 
 
 29
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 of heaven and earth protect him and restore 
 him," said my uncle Toby, praying silently 
 for my father, and with tears in his eyes. 
 
 My father placed the tears to a proper 
 account, and went on with his harangue 
 with great spirit. 
 
 * * There is not such great odds, brother 
 Toby, betwixt good and evil, as the world 
 
 imagines" (this way of setting off, by 
 
 the bye, was not likely to cure my uncle 
 
 Toby's suspicions. ) ' ' Labour, sorrow, 
 
 grief, sickness, want, and woe, are the 
 sauces of life." -Much good may it do 
 them said my uncle Toby to himself. 
 
 ' ' My son is dead ! so much the better ; 
 'tis a shame in such a tempest to have 
 but one anchor." 
 
 ' ' But he is gone for ever from us ! be 
 it so. He is got from under the hands of 
 his barber before he was bald he is but 
 risen from a feast before he was surfeited 
 from a banquet before he had got drunken." 
 
 ' ' The Thracians wept when a child was 
 born" (and we were very near it, quoth 
 my uncle Toby] "and feasted and made 
 merry when a man went out of the world; 
 and with reason. Death opens the gate 
 
 30
 
 of fame, and shuts the gate of envy after 
 it, it unlooses the chain of the captive, 
 and puts the bondsman's task into another 
 man's hands." 
 
 * ' Shew me the man, who knows what life 
 is, who dreads it, and I'll shew thee a pris- 
 oner who dreads his liberty." 
 
 Is it not better, my dear brother Toby 
 (for mark our appetites are but diseases) 
 is it not better not to hunger at all, than 
 to eat? not to thirst, than to take physic 
 to cure it ? 
 
 Is it not better to be freed from cares 
 and agues, from love and melancholy, and 
 the other hot and cold fits of life, than, 
 like a galled traveller, who comes weary to 
 his inn, to be bound to begin his journey 
 afresh ? 
 
 There is no terrour, brother Toby, in its 
 looks, but what it borrows from groans and 
 convulsions and the blowing of noses, and 
 the wiping away of tears with the bottoms 
 of curtains, in a dying man's room. Strip 
 it of these, what is it? 'Tis better in battle 
 than in bed, said my uncle Toby. --Take 
 away its herses, its mutes, and its mourn- 
 ing, its plumes, scutcheons, and other me- 
 
 31
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 chanic aids What is it ? Better in bat- 
 tle! continued my father, smiling, for he 
 had absolutely forgot my brother Bobby 
 'tis terrible no way for consider, brother 
 Toby, when we are death is not; and 
 when death is we are not. My uncle Toby 
 laid down his pipe to consider the proposi- 
 tion; my father's eloquence was too rapid 
 to stay for any man away it went, and 
 hurried my uncle Toby's ideas along with 
 it.- 
 
 For this reason, continued my father, 'tis 
 worthy to recollect, how little alteration, in 
 great men, the approaches of death have 
 made. Vespasian died in a jest upon his 
 close-stool Galba with a sentence Septi- 
 mus Severus in a dispatch Tiberius in dis- 
 simulation, and Ccesar Augustus in a com- 
 pliment. I hope 'twas a sincere *>ne quoth 
 my uncle Toby. 
 
 'Twas to his wife, said my father,
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 And lastly for all the choice anec- 
 dotes which history can produce of this 
 matter, continued my father, this, like the 
 gilded dome which covers in the fabric 
 crowns all. 
 
 'Tis of Cornelius Gallus, the praetor 
 which, I dare say, brother Toby, you have 
 read. I dare say I have not, replied my 
 
 uncle. He died, said my father, as * * * 
 
 ************ _ And if it was with 
 
 his wife, said my uncle Toby there could 
 be no hurt in it. --That's more than I 
 know replied my father. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 MY mother was going very gingerly in 
 the dark along the passage which 
 led to the parlour, as my uncle 
 Toby pronounced the word wife. 'Tis a 
 shrill, penetrating sound of itself, and Oba- 
 
 33
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 diah had helped it by leaving the door a 
 little a-jar, so that my mother heard enough 
 of it, to imagine herself the subject of the 
 conversation ; so laying the edge of her 
 finger across her two lips holding in her 
 breath, and bending her head a little down- 
 wards, with a twist of her neck (not to- 
 wards the door, but from it, by which means 
 her ear was brought to the chink) she lis- 
 tened with all her powers: the listening 
 
 slave, with the Goddess of Silence at his 
 back, could not have given a finer thought 
 for an intaglio. 
 
 In this attitude I am determined to let 
 her stand for five minutes: till I bring up 
 the affairs of the kitchen (as Rapin does 
 those of the church) to the same period. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 ^ I CHOUGH in one sense, our family was 
 JL certainly a simple machine, as it con- 
 sisted of a few wheels; yet there was 
 thus much to be said for it, that these 
 wheels were set in motion by so many dif- 
 
 34
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 ferent springs, and acted one upon the other 
 from such a variety of strange principles and 
 impulses- -that though it was a simple 
 machine, it had all the honour and advan- 
 tages of a complex one, and a number 
 of as odd movements within it, as ever were 
 beheld in the inside of a Dutch silk-mill. 
 
 Amongst these there was one, I am go- 
 ing to speak of, in which, perhaps, it was 
 not altogether so singular, as in many 
 others; and it was this, that whatever mo- 
 tion, debate, harangue, dialogue, project, 
 or dissertation, was going forwards in the 
 parlour, there was generally another at 
 the same time, and upon the same sub- 
 ject, running parallel along with it in the 
 kitchen. 
 
 Now to bring this about, whenever an 
 extraordinary message, or letter, was deliv- 
 ered in the parlour or a discourse sus- 
 pended till a servant went out or the lines 
 of discontent were observed to hang upon 
 the brows of my father or mother or, in 
 short, when any thing was supposed to be 
 upon the tapis worth knowing or listening 
 to, 'twas the rule to leave the door, not 
 absolutely shut, but somewhat a-jar as it 
 
 35
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 stands just now, which, under covert of 
 the bad hinge (and that possibly might be 
 one of the many reasons why it was never 
 mended), it was not difficult to manage; by 
 which means, in all these cases, a passage 
 was generally left, not indeed as wide as 
 the Dardanelles, but wide enough, for all 
 that, to carry on as much of this windward 
 trade, as was sufficient to save my father 
 the trouble of governing his house; my 
 mother at this moment stands profiting by 
 it. Obadiah did the same thing, as soon as 
 he had left the letter upon the table which 
 brought the news of my brother's death; so 
 that before my father had well got over his 
 surprise, and entered upon his harangue, 
 had Trim got upon his legs, to speak his 
 sentiments upon the subject. 
 
 A curious observer of nature, had he been 
 worth the inventory of all Job 's stock- 
 though, by the by, your curious observers 
 are seldom worth a groat would have given 
 the half of it, to have heard Corporal Trim 
 and my father, two orators so contrasted by 
 nature and education, haranguing over the 
 same bier. 
 
 My father a man of deep reading
 
 prompt memory with Cato, and Seneca, 
 and Epictetus, at his fingers ends. 
 
 The corporal with nothing to remem- 
 ber of no deeper reading than his muster- 
 roll or greater names at his fingers end, 
 than the contents of it. 
 
 The one proceeding from period to period, 
 by metaphor and allusion, and striking the 
 fancy as he went along (as men of wit and 
 fancy do) with the entertainment and pleas- 
 antry of his pictures and images. 
 
 The other, without wit or antithesis, or 
 point, or turn, this way or that; but leaving 
 the images on one side, and the picture on 
 the other, going straight forwards as nature 
 could lead him, to the heart. O Trim! 
 would to heaven thou had'st a better histo- 
 rian ! would thy historian 
 
 had a better pair of breeches ! O ye 
 
 critics ! will nothing melt you ? 
 
 37
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 My young master in London is 
 
 dead! said Obadiah. 
 
 A green sattin night-gown of my 
 
 mother's, which had been twice scoured, was 
 the first idea which ObadiaJi's exclamation 
 brought into Susannah's head. Well might 
 Locke write a chapter upon the imperfec- 
 tions of words. Then, quoth Susannah, we 
 must all go into mourning. But note a 
 second time: the word mourning, notwith- 
 standing Susannah made use of it herself 
 failed also of doing its office; it excited not 
 one single idea, tinged either with grey or 
 black, all was green. The green sattin 
 night-gown hung there still. 
 
 O! 'twill be the death of my poor mis- 
 tress, cried Susannah. My mother's whole 
 wardrobe followed. What a procession! her 
 red damask, her orange tawney, her white 
 and yellow lutestrings, her brown taffata, 
 her bone-laced caps, her bed-gowns, and 
 comfortable under-petticoats. Not a rag 
 
 38
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 was left behind. "No, she will never look 
 up again," said Susannah. 
 
 We had a fat, foolish scullion my father, 
 I think, kept her for her simplicity; she 
 had been all autumn struggling with a 
 dropsy. He is dead, said Obadiah, he is 
 certainly dead ! So am not I, said the 
 foolish scullion. 
 
 Here is sad news, Trim, cried Susan- 
 nah, wiping her eyes as Trim stepp'd into 
 the kitchen, master Bobby is dead and 
 buried the funeral was an interpolation of 
 Susannah's we shall have all to go into 
 mourning, said Susannah. 
 
 I hope not, said Trim. You hope not! 
 cried Susannah earnestly. The mourning 
 ran not hi Trim's head, whatever it did in 
 Susannah's. I hope said Trim, explaining 
 himself, I hope in God the news is not 
 true. I heard the letter read with my own 
 ears, answered Obadiah; and we shall have 
 a terrible piece of work of it in stubbing 
 the Ox-moor. Oh! he's dead, said Susannah. 
 As sure, said the scullion, as I'm alive. 
 
 I lament for him from my heart and my 
 soul, said Trim, fetching a sigh. --Poor 
 creature! poor boy! poor gentleman! 
 
 39
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 He was alive last WTiitsontide ! said the 
 coachman. Whitsontide ! alas ! cried Trim, 
 extending his right arm, and falling instantly 
 into the same attitude in which he read the 
 sermon, what is Whitsontide, Jonathan (for 
 that was the coachman's name), or Shrove- 
 tide, or any tide or time past, to this? Are 
 we not here now, continued the corporal 
 (striking the end of his stick perpendicularly 
 upon the floor, so as to give an idea of 
 health and stability) and are we not 
 (dropping his hat upon the ground) gone! 
 in a moment! 'Twas infinitely striking! 
 Susannah burst into a flood of tears. We 
 are not stocks and stones. Jonathan, Oba- 
 diah, the cook-maid, all melted. The foolish 
 fat scullion herself, who was scouring a fish- 
 kettle upon her knees, was rous'd with it. 
 The whole kitchen crowded about the cor- 
 poral. 
 
 Now as I perceive plainly, that the pre- 
 servation of our constitution in church and 
 state, and possibly the preservation of the 
 whole world or what is the same thing, 
 the distribution and balance of its property 
 and power, may in time to come depend 
 greatly upon the right understanding of this 
 
 40
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 stroke of the corporal's eloquence I do de- 
 mand your attention your worships and 
 reverences, for any ten pages together, take 
 them where you will in any other part of 
 the work, shall sleep for it at your ease. 
 I said, ' * we were not stocks and stones ' ' 
 
 -'tis very well. I should have added, nor 
 are we angels, I wish we were, but men 
 clothed with bodies, and governed by our 
 imaginations; and what a junketing piece 
 of work of it there is, betwixt these and 
 our seven senses, especially some of them, 
 for my own part, I own it, I am ashamed 
 to confess. Let it suffice to affirm, that of 
 all the senses, the eye (for I absolutely deny 
 the touch, though most of your Sarbati, I 
 know, are for it) has the quickest commerce 
 with the soul, gives a smarter stroke, and 
 leaves something more inexpressible upon 
 the fancy, than words can either convey 
 or sometimes get rid of. 
 
 I've gone a little about no matter, 'tis 
 for health let us only carry it back in our 
 mind to the mortality of Trim's hat. "Are 
 we not here now, and gone in a moment?" 
 
 -There was nothing in the sentence 'twas 
 one of your self-evident truths we have the
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 advantage of hearing every day; and if 
 Trim had not trusted more to his hat than 
 his head he had made nothing at all of it. 
 
 "Are we not here now;" continued 
 
 the corporal, "and are we not" (dropping 
 his hat plumb upon the ground and pausing, 
 before he pronounced the word) "gone! in 
 a moment?" The descent of the hat was 
 as if a heavy lump of clay had been kneaded 
 
 into the crown of it. Nothing could have 
 
 expressed the sentiment of mortality, of 
 which it was the type and fore-runner, like 
 it, his hand seemed to vanish from under 
 it, it fell dead, the corporal's eye fixed 
 upon it, as upon a corpse, and Susannah 
 burst into a flood of tears. 
 
 Now Ten thousand, and ten thousand 
 times ten thousand (for matter and motion 
 are infinite) are the ways by which a hat 
 may be dropped upon the ground, without 
 
 any effect. Had he flung it, or thrown 
 
 it, or cast it, or skimmed it, or squirted it, 
 or let it slip or fall in any possible direction 
 under heaven, or in the best direction that 
 could be given to it, had he dropped it 
 like a goose like a puppy like an ass or 
 in doing it, or even after he had done, had 
 
 42
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 he looked like a fool like a ninny like a 
 nincompoop it had fail'd, and the effect 
 upon the heart had been lost. 
 
 Ye who govern this mighty world and its 
 mighty concerns with the engines of elo- 
 quence, who heat it, and cool it, and melt 
 
 it, and mollify it, and then harden it 
 
 again to your purpose 
 
 Ye who wind and turn the passions with 
 this great windlass, and, having done it, 
 lead the owners of them, whither ye think 
 meet 
 
 Ye, lastly, who drive and why not, Ye 
 
 also who are driven, like turkeys to market 
 with a stick and a red clout meditate 
 meditate, I beseech you, upon Trim's hat. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 STAY 1 have a small account to settle 
 with the reader before Trim can go on 
 with his harangue. It shall be done 
 in two minutes. 
 
 Amongst many other book-debts, all of 
 
 43
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 which I shall discharge in due time, I 
 own myself a debtor to the world for two 
 items, a chapter upon chamber-maids and 
 button-holes, which, in the former part of 
 my work, I promised and fully intended to 
 pay off this year: but some of your wor- 
 ships and reverences telling me, that the 
 two subjects, especially so connected to- 
 gether, might endanger the morals of the 
 world, I pray the chapter upon chamber- 
 maids and button-holes may be forgiven 
 me, and that they will accept of the last 
 chapter in lieu of it; which is nothing, an't 
 please your reverences, but a chapter of 
 chamber-maids, green gowns, and old hats. 
 
 Trim took his off the ground, put it 
 upon his head, and then went on with his 
 oration upon death, in manner and form 
 following. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 To us, Jonathan, who know not 
 
 what want or care is who live here in the 
 service of two of the best of masters
 
 (bating in my own case his majesty King 
 William the Third, whom I had the honour 
 to serve both in Ireland and Flanders) 
 I own it, that from Whitsontide to within 
 three weeks of Christmas, 'tis not long 
 'tis like nothing; but to those, Jonathan, 
 who know what death is, and what havock 
 and destruction he can make, before a man 
 can well wheel about 'tis like a whole age. 
 O Jonathan! 'twould make a good-natured 
 man's heart bleed, to consider, continued the 
 corporal (standing perpendicularly), how low 
 many a brave and upright fellow has been 
 laid since that time! And trust me, Susy, 
 added the corporal, turning to Susannah, 
 whose eyes were swimming in water, be- 
 fore that time comes round again, many a 
 bright eye will be dim. Susannah placed it 
 to the right side of the page she wept 
 but she court'sied too. Are we not, con- 
 tinued Trim, looking still at Susannah are 
 we not like a flower of the field a tear of 
 pride stole hi betwixt every two tears of 
 humiliation else no tongue could have de- 
 scribed Susannah's affliction is not all flesh 
 grass ? - 'Tis clay, - - 'tis dirt. - - They all 
 looked directly at the scullion, the SCul-
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 / 
 
 lion had just been scouring a fish-kettle. 
 It was not fair. 
 
 What is the finest face that ever man 
 looked at! I could hear Trim talk so for 
 ever, cried Susannah, what is it! (Susan- 
 nah laid her hand upon Trim's shoulder) 
 but corruption? Susannah took it off. 
 
 Now I love you for this and 'tis this 
 delicious mixture within you which makes 
 you dear creatures what you are and he 
 
 who hates you for it all I can say of 
 
 the matter is That he has either a pump- 
 kin for his head or a pippin for his heart, 
 and whenever he is dissected 'twill be 
 found so. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 WHETHER Susannah, by taking her 
 hand too suddenly from off the cor- 
 poral's shoulder (by the whisking 
 
 about of her passions) broke a little the 
 
 chain of his reflections 
 
 Or whether the corporal began to be sus- 
 picious, he had got into the doctor's quar 
 
 46
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 ters, and was talking more like the chap- 
 lain than himself 
 
 Or whether 
 
 Or whether for in all such cases a man 
 
 of invention and parts may with pleasure 
 
 fill a couple of pages with suppositions 
 
 which of all these was the cause, let the 
 curious physiologist, or the curious any body 
 determine 'tis certain, at least, the cor- 
 poral went on thus with his harangue. 
 
 For my own part, I declare it, that out 
 of doors, I value not death at all : not 
 this . . added the corporal, snapping his fin- 
 gers, but with an air which no one but 
 the corporal could have given to the senti- 
 ment. In battle, I value death not this . . . 
 and let him not take me cowardly, like poor 
 Joe Gibbins, in scouring his gun. What is 
 he? A pull of a trigger a push of a bayo- 
 net an inch this way or that makes the 
 difference. Look along the line to the 
 right seel Jack's down! well, 'tis worth 
 a regiment of horse to him. No 'tis Dick. 
 Then Jack's no worse. Never mind which, 
 we pass on, in hot pursuit the wound 
 itself which brings him is not felt, the 
 best way is to stand up to him, the man 
 
 47
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 who flies, is in ten times more danger than 
 the man who marches up into his jaws. 
 I've look'd him, added the corporal, an 
 hundred times in the face, and know what 
 he is. He's nothing, Obadiah, at all in the 
 field. But he's very frightful in a house, 
 
 quoth Obadiah. 1 never mind it myself, 
 
 said Jonathan, upon a coach-box. It must, 
 in my opinion, be most natural in bed, re- 
 plied Susannah. And could I escape him 
 by creeping into the worst calf s skin that 
 ever was made into a knapsack, I would do 
 it there said Trim but that is nature. 
 
 Nature is nature, said Jonathan. 
 And that is the reason, cried Susannah, I 
 so much pity my mistress. She will never 
 get the better of it. Now I pity the captain 
 the most of any one in the family, answered 
 
 Trim. Madam will get ease of heart in 
 
 weeping, and the Squire in talking about 
 it, but my poor master will keep it all in 
 silence to himself. I shall hear him sigh in 
 his bed for a whole month together, as he 
 did for lieutenant Le Fever. An' please 
 your honour, do not sigh so piteously, I 
 would say to him as I laid besides him. I 
 cannot help it, Trim, my master would say, 
 
 48
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 'tis so melancholy an accident I can- 
 not get it off my heart. Your honour fears 
 not death yourself. I hope, Trim, I fear 
 nothing, he would say, but the doing a 
 wrong thing. Well, he would add, what- 
 ever betides, I will take care of Le Fever's 
 boy. And with that, like a quieting 
 draught, his honour would fall asleep. 
 
 I like to hear Trim's stories about the 
 captain, said Susannah. - - He is a kindly- 
 hearted gentleman, said Obadiah, as ever 
 lived. Aye, and as brave a one too, said 
 the corporal, as ever stept before a platoon. 
 -There never was a better officer in the 
 king's army, or a better man in God's 
 world; for he would march up to the 
 mouth of a cannon, though he saw the 
 lighted match at the very touch- hole, and 
 yet, for all that, he has a heart as soft as a 
 
 child for other people. He would not 
 
 hurt a chicken. 1 would sooner, quoth 
 
 Jonathan, drive such a gentleman for seven 
 pounds a year than some for eight. 
 Thank thee, Jonathan! for thy twenty 
 shillings, as much, Jonathan, said the cor- 
 poral, shaking him by the hand, as if thou 
 hadst put the money into my own pocket. 
 
 49
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 1 would serve him to the day of my 
 
 death out of love. He is a friend and a 
 brother to me, and could I be sure my 
 poor brother Tom was dead, continued the 
 corporal, taking out his handkerchief, was 
 I worth ten thousand pounds, I would leave 
 
 every shilling of it to the captain. Trim 
 
 could not refrain from tears at this testa- 
 mentary proof he gave of his affection to his 
 master. The whole kitchen was affected. 
 Do tell us this story of the poor lieutenant, 
 said Susannah. With all my heart, an- 
 swered the corporal. 
 
 Susannah, the cook, Jonathan, Obadiah, 
 and corporal Trim, formed a circle about 
 the fire ; and as . soon as the scullion had 
 shut the kitchen door, the corporal begun. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 I AM a Turk if I had not as much for- 
 got my mother, as if Nature had plais- 
 tered me up, and set me down naked 
 upon the banks of the river Nile, without 
 one. Your most obedient servant, Mad- 
 am I've cost you a great deal of trouble, 
 so
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 I wish it may answer; but you have left 
 a crack in my back, and here's a great 
 piece fallen off here before, and what must 
 
 I do with this foot? 1 shall never reach 
 
 England with it. 
 
 For my own part, I never wonder at any 
 thing; and so often has my judgment de- 
 ceived me in my life, that I always suspect 
 it, right or wrong, at least I am seldom 
 hot upon cold subjects. For all this, I 
 reverence truth as much as any body; and 
 when it has slipped us, if a man will but 
 take me by the hand, and go quietly and 
 search for it, as for a thing we have both lost, 
 and can neither of us do well without, I'll 
 go to the world's end with him: But I 
 hate disputes, and therefore (bating relig- 
 ious points, or such as touch society) I 
 would almost subscribe to any thing which 
 does not choak me in the first passage, 
 
 rather than be drawn into one. But I 
 
 cannot bear suffocation, and bad smells 
 worst of all. - - For which reasons, I re- 
 solved from the beginning, That if ever the 
 army of martyrs was to be augmented, or 
 a new one raised, I would have no hand 
 in it, one way or t'other. 
 
 51
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 B 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 UT to return to my mother. 
 
 My uncle Toby's opinion, Madam, 
 "that there could be no harm in Cornelius 
 Gallus, the Roman praetor's lying with his 
 wife;" or rather the last word of that 
 opinion, (for it was all my mother heard 
 of it) caught hold of her by the weak part 
 
 of the whole sex: You shall not mistake 
 
 me, I mean her curiosity, she instantly 
 concluded herself the subject of the conver- 
 sation, and with that prepossession upon her 
 fancy, you will readily conceive every word 
 my father said, was accommodated either to 
 herself, or her family concerns. 
 
 Pray, Madam, in what street does 
 
 the lady live, who would not have done the 
 same? 
 
 From the strange mode of Cornelius's 
 
 death, my father had made a transition to 
 
 that of Socrates, and was giving my uncle 
 
 Toby an abstract of his pleading before his 
 
 judges; -'twas irresistible: not the ora- 
 
 69
 
 tion of Socrates, but my father's tempta- 
 tion to it. He had wrote the * Life of 
 
 Socrates himself the year before he left off 
 trade, which, I fear, was the means of has- 
 tening him out of it; so that no one 
 
 was able to set out with so full a sail, and 
 in so swelling a tide of heroic loftiness upon 
 the occasion, as my father was. Not a period 
 in Socrates's oration, which closed with a 
 shorter word than transmigration, or annihi- 
 lation, or a worse thought in the middle 
 of it than to be or not to be, the enter- 
 ing upon a new and untried state of things, 
 or, upon a long, a profound and peaceful 
 sleep, without dreams, without disturbance; 
 
 That we and our children were born to 
 
 die, but neither of us born to be slaves. 
 
 No there I mistake; that was part of 
 
 Eleazer's oration, as recorded by Josephus 
 
 (de Bell. Judaic.} Eleazer owns he had 
 
 it from the philosophers of India; in all 
 likelihood Alexander the Great, in his irrup- 
 tion into India, after he had over-run Persia, 
 amongst the many things he stole, stole 
 
 * This book my father would never consent to publish ; 'tis 
 in manuscript, with some other tracts of his, in the family, 
 all, or most of which will be printed in due time. 
 
 53
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 that sentiment also; by which means it was 
 carried, if not all the way by himself (for 
 we all know he died at Babylon), at least 
 by some of his maroders, into Greece, 
 from Greece it got to Rome, from Rome 
 to Prance, and from Prance to England: 
 So things come round. 
 
 By land carriage, I can conceive no other 
 way. 
 
 By water the sentiment might easily have 
 come down the Ganges into the Sinus 
 Gangeticus, or Bay of Bengal, and so into 
 the Indian Sea; and following the course of 
 trade (the way from India by the Cape of 
 Good Hope being then unknown), might be 
 carried with other drugs and spices up the 
 Red Sea to Joddah, the port of Mekka, or 
 else to Tor or Sues, towns at the bottom 
 of the gulf; and from thence by karrawans 
 to Coptos, but three days journey distant, 
 so down the Nile directly to Alexandria, 
 where the SENTIMENT would be landed at 
 the very foot of the great stair-case of the 
 Alexandrian library, and from that store- 
 house it would be fetched. Bless me! 
 
 what a trade was driven by the learned in 
 those days. 
 
 54
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 a wa y a tittle 
 
 like that of Job's (in case there 
 ever was such a man -- if not, 
 there's an end of the matter. 
 
 Though, by the bye, because your learned 
 men find some difficulty in fixing the pre- 
 cise sera in which so great a man lived; 
 whether, for instance, before or after the 
 patriarchs, &c. to vote, therefore, that he 
 never lived at all, is a little cruel, 'tis not 
 doing as they would be done by, happen 
 that as it may) - My father, I say, had a 
 way, when things went extremely wrong 
 with him, especially upon the first sally of 
 his impatience, of wondering why he was 
 begot, wishing himself dead ; sometimes 
 worse: And when the provocation ran 
 high, and grief touched his lips with more 
 than ordinary powers, Sir, you scarce could 
 have distinguished him from Socrates him- 
 self. Every word would breathe the sen- 
 timents of a soul disdaining life, and care- 
 less about all its issues; for which reason, 
 though my mother was a woman of no 
 
 55
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 deep reading, yet the abstract of Socrates's 
 oration, which my father was giving my 
 uncle Toby, was not altogether new to her. 
 She listened to it with composed intelli- 
 gence, and would have done so to the end 
 of the chapter, had not my father plunged 
 (which he had no occasion to have done) 
 into that part of the pleading where the 
 great philosopher reckons up his connections, 
 his alliances, and children; but renounces a 
 security to be so won by working upon the 
 passions of his judges. "I have friends I 
 have relations, I have three desolate chil- 
 dren," says Socrates. 
 
 Then, cried my mother, opening the 
 
 door, you have one more, Mr Shandy, 
 
 than I know of. 
 
 By heaven! I have one less, said my 
 father, getting up and walking out of the 
 room. 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 They are Socrates's children, said my 
 
 uncle Toby. He has been dead a hundred 
 years ago, replied my mother. 
 
 $6
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 My uncle Toby was no chronologer so 
 not caring to advance one step but upon 
 safe ground, he laid down his pipe deliber- 
 ately upon the table, and rising up, and 
 taking my mother most kindly by the hand, 
 without saying another word, either good or 
 bad, to her, he led her out after my father, 
 that he might finish the ecclaircissement 
 himself. 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 HAD this volume been a farce, which, 
 unless every one's life and opinions 
 are to be looked upon as a farce as 
 well as mine, I see no reason to suppose 
 the last chapter, Sir, had finished the first 
 act of it, and then this chapter must have 
 set off thus. 
 
 Ptr. . r. . r. . ing twing twang prut trut 
 
 'tis a cursed bad fiddle. Do you know 
 
 whether my fiddle's in tune or no? trut.. 
 prut.. They should be fifths. -'Tis wick- 
 edly strung tr...a.e. i.o. u. -twang. --The 
 bridge is a mile too high, and the sound 
 
 67
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 post absolutely down, else trut . . prut 
 hark ! 'tis not so bad a tone. - - Diddle, 
 diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, dum. 
 There is nothing in playing before good 
 judges, but there's a man there no not 
 him with the bundle under his arm the 
 grave man in black. 'Sdeath! not the gen- 
 tleman with the sword on. Sir, I had 
 rather play a Caprichio to Calliope herself, 
 than draw my bow across my fiddle before 
 that very man; and yet, I'll stake my 
 Cremona to a Jew's trump, which is the 
 greatest musical odds that ever were laid, 
 that I will this moment stop three hundred 
 and fifty leagues out of tune upon my fid- 
 dle, without punishing one single nerve that 
 belongs to him. Twaddle diddle, tweddle 
 
 diddle, twiddle diddle, -twoddle diddle, 
 
 twuddle diddle, prut trut krish krash 
 
 krush. I've undone you, Sir, but you 
 see he's no worse, and was Apollo to take 
 his fiddle after me, he can make him no 
 better. 
 
 Diddle diddle, diddle diddle, diddle diddle 
 hum dum drum. 
 
 -Your worships and your reverences love 
 music and God has made you all with 
 
 38
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 good ears and some of you play delight- 
 fully yourselves trut-prut, prut-trut. 
 
 O! there is whom I could sit and hear 
 whole days, whose talents lie in making 
 what he fiddles to be felt, who inspires me 
 with his joys and hopes, and puts the most 
 hidden springs of my heart into motion. 
 
 If you would borrow five guineas of 
 
 me, Sir, which is generally ten guineas 
 more than I have to spare or you, Messrs. 
 Apothecary and Taylor, want your bills 
 paying, that's your time. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 first thing which entered my 
 -L father's head, after affairs were a 
 little settled in the family, and Su- 
 sannah had got possession of my mother's 
 green sattin night-gown, was to sit down 
 coolly, after the example of JCenophon, and 
 write a TniSTRA-pasdia, or system of educa- 
 tion for me; collecting first for that purpose 
 his own scattered thoughts, counsels, and 
 
 59
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 notions; and binding them together, so as 
 to form an INSTITUTE for the government 
 of my childhood and adolescence. I was 
 my father's last stake he had lost my 
 brother Bobby entirely, he had lost, by his 
 own computation, full three-fourths of me 
 that is, he had been unfortunate in his three 
 first great casts for me my geniture, nose, 
 and name, there was but this one left; and 
 accordingly my father gave himself up to it 
 with as much devotion as ever my uncle 
 Toby had done to his doctrine of projectils. 
 The difference between them was, that 
 my uncle Toby drew his whole knowledge 
 of projectils from Nicholas Tartaglia My 
 father spun his, every thread of it, out of 
 his own brain, or reeled and cross- twisted 
 what all other spinners and spinsters had 
 spun before him, that 'twas pretty near the 
 same torture to him. 
 
 In about three years, or something more, 
 my father had got advanced almost into the 
 middle of his work. Like all other writers, 
 he met with disappointments. He imagined 
 he should be able to bring whatever he had 
 to say, into so small a compass, that when 
 it was finished and bound, it might be 
 
 60
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 rolled up in my mother's hussive. Matter ( 
 grows under our hands. Let no man say, 
 "Come I'll write a duodecimo." 
 
 My father gave himself up to it, how- 
 ever, with the most painful diligence, pro- 
 ceeding step by step in every line, with the 
 same kind of caution and circumspection 
 (though I cannot say upon quite so relig- 
 ious a principle) as was used by John de la 
 Casse, the lord archbishop of Benevento, in 
 compassing his Galatea; in which his Grace 
 of JBenevento spent near forty years of his 
 life; and when the thing came out, it was 
 not of above half the size or the thickness 
 of a Rider's Almanack. How the holy 
 man managed the affair, unless he spent 
 the greatest part of his time in combing 
 his whiskers, or playing at primero with his 
 chaplain, would pose any mortal not let 
 into the true secret ; and therefore 'tis 
 worth explaining to the world, was it only 
 for the encouragement of those few in it, 
 who write not so much to be fed as to be 
 famous. 
 
 1 own had John de la Casse. the arch- 
 bishop of Benevcnto, for whose memory 
 (notwithstanding his Galatea) I retain the 
 
 61
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 highest veneration, had he been, Sir, a 
 slender clerk of dull wit slow parts cos- 
 tive head, and so forth, he and his Galatea 
 might have jogged on together to the age 
 of Methuselah for me, the phenomenon 
 had not been worth a parenthesis. 
 
 But the reverse of this was the truth: 
 John de la Casse was a genius of fine parts 
 and fertile fancy; and yet with all these 
 great advantages of nature, which should 
 have pricked him forwards with his Galatea, 
 he lay under an impuissance at the same 
 time of advancing above a line and a half 
 in the compass of a whole summer's day: 
 this disability in his Grace arose from an 
 opinion he was afflicted with, which 
 opinion was this, viz. that whenever a 
 Christian was writing a book (not for his 
 private amusement, but) where his intent 
 and purpose was, bona fide, to print and 
 publish it to the world, his first thoughts 
 were always the temptations of the evil 
 one. This was the state of ordinary writers: 
 but when a personage of venerable character 
 and high station, either in church or state, 
 once turned author, he maintained, that 
 from the very moment he took pen in
 
 hand all the devils in hell broke out of 
 their holes to cajole him. 'Twas Term- 
 time with them, every thought, first and 
 last, was captious; how specious and good 
 soever, 'twas all one; in whatever form 
 or colour it presented itself to the imagina- 
 tion, 'twas still a stroke of one or other 
 of 'em levell'd at him, and was to be 
 fenced off. So that the life of a writer, 
 whatever he might fancy to the contrary, 
 was not so much a state of composition, as 
 a state of warfare; and his probation in it, 
 precisely that of any other man militant 
 upon earth, both depending alike, not half 
 so much upon the degrees of his WIT as 
 
 his RESISTANCE. 
 
 My father was hugely pleased with this 
 theory of John de la Casse, archbishop of 
 Senevento ; and (had it not cramped him a 
 little in his creed) I believe would have 
 given ten of the best acres in the Shandy 
 estate, to have been the broacher of it. 
 How far my father actually believed in the 
 devil, will be seen, when I come to speak 
 of my father's religious notions, in the pro- 
 gress of this work: 'tis enough to say here, 
 as he could not have the honour of it, in 
 
 63
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 the literal sense of the doctrine he took up 
 
 with the allegory of it; and would often 
 
 say, especially when his pen was a little ret- 
 rograde, there was as much good meaning, 
 truth, and knowledge, couched under the 
 veil of John de la Casse's parabolical rep- 
 resentation, as was to be found in any one 
 poetic fiction, or mystic record of antiquity. 
 Prejudice of education, he would say, is 
 the devil, and the multitudes of them 
 which we suck in with our mother's milk 
 
 are the devil and all. We are haunted 
 
 with them, brother Toby, in all our lucu- 
 brations and researches; and was a man fool 
 enough to submit tamely to what they ob- 
 truded upon him, what would his book 
 be ? Nothing, he would add, throwing his 
 pen away with a vengeance, nothing but a 
 farrago of the clack of nurses, and of the 
 nonsense of the old women (of both sexes) 
 throughout the kingdom. 
 
 This is the best account I am determined 
 to give of the slow progress my father 
 made in his Tristra-pcedia ; at which (as I 
 said) he was three years and something more, 
 indefatigably at work, and, at last, had scarce 
 completed, by his own reckoning, one half of 
 
 64
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 his undertaking: the misfortune was, that 
 I was all that time totally neglected and 
 abandoned by my mother; and what was 
 almost as bad, by the very delay, the first 
 part of the work, upon which my father had 
 spent the most of his pains, was rendered 
 
 entirely useless, every day a page or 
 
 two became of no consequence. 
 
 Certainly it was ordained as a scourge 
 
 upon the pride of human wisdom, That the 
 wisest of us all should thus outwit ourselves, 
 and eternally forego our purposes in the 
 intemperate act of pursuing them. 
 
 In short, my father was so long in all 
 his acts of resistance, or in other words, 
 he advanced so very slow with his work, 
 and I began to live and get forwards at such 
 a rate, that if an event had not happened, 
 
 which, when we get to it, if it can be 
 
 told with decency, shall not be concealed a 
 
 moment from the reader 1 verily believe, 
 
 I had put by my father, and left him draw- 
 ing a sun-dial, for no better purpose than 
 to be buried under ground.
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 T 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 WAS nothing, I did not lose two 
 
 drops of blood by it 'twas not 
 
 worth calling in a surgeon, had 
 
 he lived next door to us thousands suffer 
 
 by choice, what I did by accident. Doctor 
 Slop made ten times more of it, than there 
 
 was occasion : some men rise, by the art of 
 
 hanging great weights upon small wires, and 
 
 I am this day (August the 10th, 1761) paying 
 
 part of the price of this man's reputation. 
 
 O 'twould provoke a stone, to see how 
 
 things are carried on in this world! The 
 
 chamber-maid had left no ******* *** under 
 
 the bed: Cannot you contrive, master, 
 
 quoth Susannah, lifting up the sash with one 
 hand, as he spoke, and helping me up into 
 the window-seat with the other, cannot you 
 manage, my dear, for a single time to **** 
 
 I was five years old. Susannah did not 
 
 consider that nothing was well hung in our 
 family, so slap came the sash down like 
 
 06
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 lightning upon us; Nothing is left, cried 
 Susannah, nothing is left for me, but to 
 
 run my country. 
 
 My uncle Toby's house was a much 
 kinder sanctuary; and so Susannah fled 
 to it. 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 WHEN Susannah told the corporal the 
 misadventure of the sash, with all 
 the circumstances which attended 
 the murder of me, (as she called it) the 
 blood forsook his cheeks; all accessaries hi 
 murder being principals, Trim's conscience 
 told him he was as much to blame as Su- 
 sannah, and if the doctrine had been true, 
 my uncle Toby had as much of the blood- 
 shed to answer for to heaven, as either of 
 'em; so that neither reason or instinct, 
 separate or together, could possibly have 
 guided Susannah's steps to so proper an 
 asylum. It is in vain to leave this to the 
 Reader's imagination: to form any kind 
 of hypothesis that will render these proposi- 
 
 67
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 tions feasible, he must cudgel his brains 
 sore, and to do it without, he must have 
 such brains as no reader ever had before 
 
 him. Why should I put them either to 
 
 trial or to torture? 'Tis my own affair: I'll 
 explain it myself. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 TIS a pity, Trim, said my uncle Toby, 
 resting with his hand upon the cor- 
 poral's shoulder, as they both stood 
 surveying their works, that we have not a 
 couple of field-pieces to mount in the gorge 
 
 of that new redoubt; 'twould secure the 
 
 lines all along there, and make the attack 
 
 on that side quite complete: get me a 
 
 couple cast, Trim. 
 
 Your honour shall have them, replied 
 Trim, before to-morrow morning. 
 
 It was the joy of Trim's heart, nor was 
 his fertile head ever at a loss for expedients 
 in doing it, to supply my uncle Toby in his 
 campaigns, with whatever his fancy called 
 
 68
 
 for; had it been his last crown, he would 
 have sate down and hammered it into a 
 paderero, to have prevented a single wish in 
 his Master. The corporal had already, 
 what with cutting off the ends of my uncle 
 Toby's spouts hacking and chiseling up the 
 sides of his leaden gutters, melting down 
 his pewter shaving-bason, and going at 
 last, like Lewis the Fourteenth, on to the 
 top of the church, for spare ends, &c. 
 he had that very campaign brought no less 
 than eight new battering cannons, besides 
 three demi-culverins into the field ; my 
 uncle Toby's demand for two more pieces 
 for the redoubt, had set the corporal at 
 work again ; and no better resource offer- 
 ing, he had taken the two leaden weights 
 from the nursery window: and as the sash 
 pullies, when the lead was gone, were of no 
 kind of use, he had taken them away also, 
 to make a couple of wheels for one of their 
 carriages. 
 
 He had dismantled every sash-window in 
 my uncle Toby's house long before, in the 
 very same way, though not always in the 
 same order; for sometimes the pullies have 
 been wanted, and not the lead, so then he 
 
 69
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 began with the pullies, and the pullies be- 
 ing picked out, then the lead became use- 
 less, and so the lead went to pot too. 
 
 A great MORAL might be picked 
 handsomely out of this, but I have not 
 time 'tis enough to say, wherever the de- 
 molition began, 'twas equally fatal to the 
 sash window. 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 ^ I \HE corporal had not taken his meas- 
 A ures so badly in this stroke of artil- 
 leryship, but that he might have kept 
 the matter entirely to himself, and left Su- 
 sannah to have sustained the whole weight 
 of the attack, as she could; true courage 
 
 is not content with coming off so. The 
 
 corporal, whether as general or comptroller 
 
 of the train, 'twas no matter, had done 
 
 that, without which, as he imagined, the 
 misfortune could never have happened, at 
 
 least in Susannah's hands; How would 
 
 your honours have behaved? He deter- 
 
 70
 
 mined at once, not to take shelter behind 
 Susannah, but to give it; and with this 
 resolution upon his mind, he marched up- 
 right into the parlour, to lay the whole 
 manoeuvre before my uncle Toby. 
 
 My uncle Toby had just then been giving 
 Yorick an account of the Battle of Steen- 
 kirk, and of the strange conduct of count 
 Solmes in ordering the foot to halt, and 
 the horse to march where it could not act; 
 which was directly contrary to the king's 
 commands, and proved the loss of the day. 
 
 There are incidents in some families so 
 pat to the purpose of what is going to fol- 
 low, they are scarce exceeded by the in- 
 vention of a dramatic writer; I mean of 
 ancient days. 
 
 Trim, by the help of his fore-finger, laid 
 flat upon the table, and the edge of his 
 hand striking a-cross it at right angles, 
 made a shift to tell his story so, that 
 priests and virgins might have listened to 
 it; and the story being told, the dialogue 
 went on as follows. 
 
 Tl
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 1 would be picquetted to death, cried 
 
 the corporal, as he concluded Susannah's 
 story, before I would suffer the woman to 
 come to any harm, 'twas my fault, an' 
 please your honour, not hers. 
 
 Corporal Trim, replied my uncle Toby, 
 putting on his hat, which lay upon the 
 
 table, if any thing can be said to be a 
 
 fault, when the service absolutely requires 
 it should be done, 'tis I certainly who de- 
 serve the blame, you obeyed your or- 
 ders. 
 
 Had count Solmes, Trim, done the same at 
 the battle of Steenkirk, said Yorick, drolling a 
 little upon the corporal, who had been run 
 over by a dragoon in the retreat, he had 
 saved thee! Saved! cried Trim, inter- 
 rupting Yorick, and finishing the sentence for 
 him after his own fashion, he had saved 
 five battalions, an' please your reverence, 
 every soul of them: there was Cutts's 
 
 72
 
 continued the corporal, clapping the fore- 
 finger of his right hand upon the thumb of 
 
 his left, and counting round his hand, there 
 
 was Cutts's, Mackay^s, Augusts, 
 
 Graham? 's and Leven's, all cut to pieces; 
 
 and so had the English life-guards too, 
 had it not been for some regiments upon 
 the right, who marched up boldly to their 
 relief, and received the enemy's fire in their 
 faces, before any one of their own platoons 
 
 discharged a musket, they'll go to heaven 
 
 for it, added Trim. Trim is right, said my 
 uncle Toby, nodding to Yorick, he's per- 
 fectly right. What signified his marching 
 the horse, continued the corporal, where the 
 ground was so straight, that the French had 
 such a nation of hedges, and copses, and 
 ditches, and fell'd trees laid this w r ay and 
 that to cover them; (as they always have.) 
 
 Count Solmes should have sent us, 
 we would have fired muzzle to muzzle with 
 
 them for their lives. There was nothing 
 
 to be done for the horse: he had his 
 foot shot off however for his pains, continued 
 the corporal, the very next campaign at 
 Landen. Poor Trim got his wound there, 
 quoth my uncle Toby. -'Twas owing, an' 
 
 73
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 please your honour, entirely to count Solmes, 
 
 had he drubb'd them soundly at Steen- 
 
 kirk, they would not have fought us at 
 
 Landen. Possibly not, Trim, said 
 
 my uncle Toby ; though if they have the 
 
 advantage of a wood, or you give them a mo- 
 ment's time to intrench themselves, they are 
 a nation which will pop and pop for ever at 
 
 you. There is no way but to march coolly 
 
 up to them, receive their fire, and fall in 
 
 upon them, pell-mell- Ding dong, added 
 
 Trim. Horse and foot, said my uncle 
 
 Toby. Helter skelter, said Trim. 
 
 Right and left, cried my uncle Toby. 
 
 Blood an' ounds, shouted the corporal; 
 
 the battle raged, Yorick drew his chair 
 
 a little to one side for safety, and after a 
 moment's pause, my uncle Toby, sinking 
 his voice a note, resumed the discourse as 
 follows. 
 
 74
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 KING William, said my uncle Toby, ad- 
 dressing himself to Yorick, was so 
 terribly provoked at count Solmes for 
 disobeying his orders, that he would not 
 suffer him to come into his presence for 
 
 many months after. 1 fear, answered 
 
 Yorick, the squire will be as much pro- 
 voked at the corporal, as the King at the 
 
 count. But 'twould be singularly hard 
 
 in this case, continued he, if corporal Trim, 
 who has behaved so diametrically opposite 
 to count Solmes, should have the fate to be 
 
 rewarded with the same disgrace; too 
 
 oft in this world do things take that train. 
 
 1 would spring a mine, cried my uncle 
 
 Toby, rising up, and blow up my forti- 
 fications, and my house with them, and we 
 would perish under their ruins, ere I would 
 stand by and see it. Trim directed a 
 slight, but a grateful bow towards his 
 master, and so the chapter ends.
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 -Then, Yorick, replied my uncle Toby, 
 
 you and I will lead the way abreast, 
 and do you, corporal, follow a few paces 
 
 behind us. And Susannah, an' please 
 
 your honour, said Trim, shall be put in the 
 rear. -'Twas an excellent disposition, and 
 in this order, without either drums beating, 
 or colours flying, they marched slowly from 
 my uncle Toby's house to Shandy-hall. 
 
 I wish, said Trim, as they entered 
 the door, instead of the sash weights, I had 
 cut off the church spout, as I once thought 
 to have done. You have cut off spouts 
 enow, replied Yorick. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 AS many pictures as have been given 
 of my father, how like him soever in 
 different airs and attitudes, not one, 
 or all of them, can ever help the reader to 
 
 16
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 any kind of preconception of how my 
 father would think, speak, or act, upon 
 any untried occasion or occurrence of life. 
 There was that infinitude of oddities hi 
 him, and of chances along with it, by 
 which handle he would take a thing, it 
 baffled, Sir, all calculations. The truth 
 was, his road lay so very far on one side, 
 from that wherein most men travelled, 
 that every object before him presented a 
 face and section of itself to his eye, alto- 
 gether different from the plan and elevation 
 of it seen by the rest of mankind. In 
 other words, 'twas a different object, and 
 in course was differently considered: 
 
 This is the true reason, that my dear 
 Jenny and I, as well as all the world be- 
 sides us, have such eternal squabbles about 
 nothing. She looks at her outside, I, at 
 her in . How is it possible we should 
 agree about her value ?
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 TIS a point settled, and I mention it 
 for the comfort of * Confucius, who 
 is apt to get entangled in telling a 
 plain story that provided he keeps along 
 the line of his story, he may go back- 
 wards and forwards as he will, 'tis still 
 held to be no digression. 
 
 This being premised, I take the benefit 
 of the act of going backwards myself. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 FIFTY thousand pannier loads of devils 
 (not of the Archbishop of Benevento's, 
 I mean of Rabelais' 's devils) with their 
 tails chopped off by their rumps, could not 
 have made so diabolical a scream of it, as 
 
 * Mr Shandy is supposed to mean ******** *** > Esq.; 
 member for ******, and not the Chinese Legislator. 
 
 78
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 I did when the accident befell me: it 
 summoned up my mother instantly into the 
 nursery, so that Susannah had but just 
 time to make her escape down the back 
 stairs, as my mother came up the fore. 
 
 Now, though I was old enough to have 
 told the story myself, and young enough, 
 I hope, to have done it without malignity; 
 yet Susannah, in passing by the kitchen, for 
 fear of accidents, had left it in short- hand 
 with the cook the cook had told it with a 
 commentary to Jonathan, and Jonathan to 
 Obadiah; so that by the time my father 
 had rung the bell half a dozen times, to 
 know what was the matter above, was 
 Obadiah enabled to give him a particular 
 account of it, just as it had happened. I 
 thought as much, said my father, tuck- 
 ing up his night-gown; and so walked up 
 stairs. 
 
 One would imagine from this (though 
 
 for my own part I somewhat question it) 
 that my father, before that time, had actu- 
 ally wrote that remarkable character in the 
 Tristra-pcedia, which to me is the most 
 original and entertaining one in the whole 
 book; and that is the chapter upon sash- 
 
 79
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 windows, with a bitter Philippick at the end 
 of it, upon the forgetfulness of chamber- 
 maids. I have but two reasons for think- 
 ing otherwise. 
 
 First, Had the matter been taken into 
 consideration before the event happened, 
 my father certainly would have nailed up 
 the sash window for good an' all; which, 
 considering with what difficulty he com- 
 posed books, he might have done with ten 
 times less trouble, than he could have wrote 
 the chapter: this argument I foresee holds 
 good against his writing a chapter, even 
 after the event; but 'tis obviated under the 
 second reason, which I have the honour to 
 offer to the world in support of my opinion, 
 that my father did not write the chapter 
 upon sash-windows and chamber-pots, at the 
 time supposed, and it is this. 
 
 That, in order to render the Tristra- 
 pcedia complete, I wrote the chapter my- 
 self. 
 
 80
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 MY father put on his spectacles looked, 
 took them off, put them into the 
 case all in less than a statutable 
 minute; and without opening his lips, turned 
 about and walked precipitately down stairs: 
 my mother imagined he had stepped down 
 for lint and basilicon; but seeing him return 
 with a couple of folios under his arm, and 
 Obadiah following him with a large read- 
 ing-desk, she took it for granted 'twas an 
 herbal, and so drew him a chair to the bed- 
 side, that he might consult upon the case at 
 his ease. 
 
 If it be but right done, said my 
 father, turning to the Section de sede vel 
 
 subjecto circumcisionis, for he had brought 
 
 up Spenser de Legibus Hebrceorum Rituali- 
 bus and Maimonides, in order to confront 
 and examine us altogether. 
 
 If it be but right done, quoth he: 
 only tell us, cried my mother, interrupting 
 
 him, what herbs. For that, replied my 
 
 father, you must send for Dr Slop. 
 
 81
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 My mother went down, and my father 
 went on, reading the section as follows, 
 
 ********* 
 ********* 
 
 * * Very well, said my father, 
 
 ********* 
 
 ********* 
 
 nay, if it has that convenience 
 
 and so without stopping a moment to 
 
 settle it first in his mind, whether the Jews 
 had it from the Egyptians, or the Egyptians 
 from the Jews, he rose up, and rubbing 
 his forehead two or three times across with 
 the palm of his hand, in the manner we 
 rub out the footsteps of care, when evil has 
 trod lighter upon us than we foreboded, 
 he shut the book, and walked down stairs. 
 Nay, said he, mentioning the name of a 
 different great nation upon every step as he 
 set foot upon it if the EGYPTIANS, the 
 SYRIANS, the PHOENICIANS, the ARABIANS, 
 the CAPPADOCIANS, if the COLCHI, and 
 TROGLODYTES did it if SOLON and PYTH- 
 AGORAS submitted, what is TRISTRAM? 
 Who am I, that I should fret or fume one 
 moment about the matter?
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 DEAR Yorick, said my father, smiling 
 (for Yorick had broke his rank with 
 my uncle Toby in coming through 
 the narrow entry, and so had stept first 
 into the parlour) this Tristram of ours, I 
 find, comes very hardly by all his religious 
 rites. Never was the son of Jew, Christian, 
 Turk, or Infidel initiated into them in so 
 oblique and slovenly a manner. But he is 
 no worse, I trust, said Yorick. There has 
 been certainly, continued my father, the 
 deuce and all to do in some part or other 
 of the ecliptic, when this offspring of mine 
 was formed. That, you are a better judge 
 of than I, replied Yorick. Astrologers, 
 quoth my father, know better than us 
 both : the trine and sextil aspects have 
 jumped awry, or the opposite of their 
 ascendents have not hit it, as they should, 
 or the lords of the genitures (as they call 
 them) have been at bo-peep, or something 
 has been wrong above, or below with us. 
 
 83
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 *Tis possible, answered Yorick. But is 
 the child, cried my uncle Toby, the worse ? 
 The Troglodytes say not, replied my 
 father. And your theologists, Yorick, tell 
 us Theologically ? said Yorick, or speak- 
 ing after the manner of * apothecaries ? t 
 statesmen ? orj washer- women ? 
 
 - I'm not sure, replied my father, but 
 they tell us, brother Toby, he's the better 
 for it. - Provided, said Yorick, you travel 
 him into Egypt. - Of that, answered my 
 father, he will have the advantage, when he 
 sees the Pyramids. - 
 
 Now every word of this, quoth my uncle 
 Toby, is Arabick to me. - 1 wish, said 
 Yorick, 'twas so, to half the world. 
 
 ILUS, continued my father, circumcised 
 his whole army one morning. Not without 
 a court martial ? cried my uncle Toby. - 
 Though the learned, continued he, taking 
 no notice of my uncle Toby's remark, but 
 
 * XaXeTTijs vbffov, Kal Svcrtdrov aira\\ayi), 1)v avffpaxa KaXovfftv. 
 PHILO. 
 
 f Td Ttfj.v6fj.fva. ruv idvuv iro\vyovd>Tara, Kal TroXvavOpu 
 elvat. 
 
 $ Ka0apt6r77Tos etveicfv. BOCHART. 
 
 '0 IXoi, rA alSoia Treptr^fiverai, rdurd Troltjtrai Kal rods 
 s. SANCHUNIATHO. 
 
 84
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 turning to Yorick, are greatly divided still 
 who Ilus was; some say Saturn; some the 
 Supreme Being ; others, no more than a 
 
 brigadier general under Pharaoh-neco. 
 
 Let him be who he will, said my uncle 
 Toby, I know not by what article of war 
 he could justify it. 
 
 The controvertists, answered my father, 
 assign two -and -twenty different reasons for 
 it : others indeed, who have drawn their 
 pens on the opposite side of the question, 
 have shewn the world the futility of the 
 greatest part of them. But then again, 
 our best polemic divines I wish there was 
 not a polemic divine, said Yorick, in the 
 kingdom; one ounce of practical divinity 
 is worth a painted ship-load of all their 
 reverences have imported these fifty years. 
 Pray, Mr Yorick, quoth my uncle Toby, 
 do tell me what a polemic divine is? 
 The best description, captain Shandy, I have 
 ever read, is of a couple of 'em, replied 
 Yorick, in the account of the battle fought 
 single hands betwixt Gymnast and captain 
 Tripet ; which I have in my pocket. I 
 beg I may hear it, quoth my uncle Toby 
 earnestly. You shall, said Yorick. And as 
 
 85
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 the corporal is waiting for me at the door, 
 and I know the description of a battle 
 will do the poor fellow more good than his 
 supper, I beg, brother, you'll give him 
 leave to come in. With all my soul, said 
 my father. - - Trim came in, erect and 
 happy as an emperor; and having shut the 
 door, Yorick took a book from his right- 
 hand coat-pocket, and read, or pretended to 
 read, as follows. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 " which words being heard by all the 
 
 soldiers which were there, divers of them 
 being inwardly terrified, did shrink back and 
 make room for the assailant: all this did 
 Gymnast very well remark and consider; 
 and therefore, making as if he would have 
 alighted from off his horse, as he was pois- 
 ing himself on the mounting side, he most 
 nimbly (with his short sword by his thigh) 
 shifting his feet in the stirrup, and perform- 
 ing the stirrup-leather feat, whereby, after 
 
 86
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 the inclining of his body downwards, he 
 forthwith launched himself aloft into the 
 air, and placed both his feet together upon 
 the saddle, standing upright, with his back 
 turned towards his horse's head, Now (said 
 he) my case goes forward. Then suddenly 
 in the same posture wherein he was, he 
 fetched a gambol upon one foot, and turn- 
 ing to the left-hand, failed not to carry his 
 body perfectly round, just into his former 
 position, without missing one jot. -Ha! 
 said Tripet, I will not do that at this time, 
 and not without cause. Well, said Gym- 
 nast, I have failed, I will undo this leap; 
 then with a marvellous strength and agility, 
 turning towards the right-hand, he fetched 
 another frisking gambol as before; which 
 done, he set his right-hand thumb upon the 
 bow of the saddle, raised himself up, and 
 sprung into the air, poising and upholding 
 his whole weight upon the muscle and 
 nerve of the said thumb, and so turned 
 and whirled himself about three times: at 
 the fourth, reversing his body, and over- 
 turning it upside down, and fore-side back, 
 without touching 1 any thing, he brought him- 
 self betwixt the horse's two ears, and then 
 
 87
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 giving himself a jerking swing, he seated 
 himself upon the crupper " 
 
 (This can't be fighting, said my uncle 
 Toby.- -The corporal shook his head at 
 it. -Have patience, said Yorick.) 
 
 "Then (Tripet) pass'd his right leg over 
 his saddle, and placed himself en croup. 
 But, said he, 'twere better for me to get 
 into the saddle ; then putting the thumbs 
 of both hands upon the crupper before him, 
 and thereupon leaning himself, as upon the 
 only supporters of his body, he inconti- 
 nently turned heels over head in the air, 
 and strait found himself betwixt the bow of 
 the saddle in a tolerable seat; then springing 
 into the air with a summerset, he turned 
 him about like a wind-mill, and made above 
 a hundred frisks, turns, and demi-pomma- 
 das. " Good God! cried Trim, losing all 
 patience, one home thrust of a bayonet 
 
 is worth it all. 1 think so too, replied 
 
 Yorick. 
 
 I am of a contrary opinion, quoth my 
 father.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 No, I think I have advanced noth- 
 ing, replied my father, making answer to a 
 question which Yorick had taken the liberty 
 to put to him, I have advanced nothing 
 in the Tristra-pcedia, but what is as clear as 
 any one proposition in Euclid. Reach me, 
 
 Trim, that book from off the scrutoir: it 
 
 has oft-times been in my mind, continued 
 my father, to have read it over both to 
 you, Yorick, and to my brother Toby, and 
 I think it a little unfriendly in myself, in 
 
 not having done it long ago: shall we 
 
 have a short chapter or two now, and a 
 chapter or two hereafter, as occasions serve; 
 and so on, till we get through the whole? 
 My uncle Toby and Yorick made the obeis- 
 ance which was proper; and the corporal, 
 though he was not included in the compli- 
 ment, laid his hand upon his breast, and 
 
 made his bow at the same time. The 
 
 company smiled. Trim, quoth my father, 
 has paid the full price for staying out the 
 
 89
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 entertainment. He did not seem to relish 
 
 the play, replied Yorick. 'Twas a Tom- 
 fool-battle, an' please your reverence, of cap- 
 tain Tripefs and that other officer, making 
 
 so many summersets, as they advanced; 
 
 the French come on capering now and then 
 in that way, but not quite so much. 
 
 My uncle Toby never felt the conscious- 
 ness of his existence with more complacency 
 than what the corporal's, and his own reflec- 
 tions, made him do at that moment; he 
 
 lighted his pipe,- Yorick drew his chair 
 closer to the table, Trim snufFd the can- 
 dle, my father stirr'd up the fire, took up 
 the book, cough 'd twice, and begun. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 THE first thirty pages, said my father, 
 turning over the leaves, are a little 
 dry; and as they are not closely con- 
 nected with the subject, for the present 
 
 we'll pass them by: 'tis a prefatory intro- 
 duction, continued my father, or an intro- 
 
 90
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 ductory preface (for I am not determined 
 which name to give it) upon political or 
 civil government; the foundation of which 
 being laid in the first conjunction betwixt 
 male and female, for procreation of the 
 
 species 1 was insensibly led into it. 
 
 'Twas natural, said Yorick. 
 
 The original of society, continued my 
 father, I'm satisfied is, what Politian tells 
 us, i. e., merely conjugal; and nothing 
 more than the getting together of one man 
 and one woman; to which, (according to 
 Hesiod) the philosopher adds a servant: 
 
 but supposing in the first beginning 
 
 there were no men servants born he 
 
 lays the foundation of it, in a man, a 
 
 woman and a bull. 1 believe 'tis an 
 
 ox, quoth Yorick, quoting the passage (olxov 
 
 fikv Trpomerra, ywaltca re, ftovv T* apOTrjpa). A 
 
 bull must have given more trouble than 
 
 his head was worth. But there is a 
 
 better reason still, said my father (dipping 
 his pen into his ink); for, the ox being the 
 most patient of animals, and the most use- 
 ful withal in tilling the ground for their 
 nourishment, was the properest instrument, 
 and emblem too, for the new joined couple, 
 
 91
 
 THE LIFF AND OPINIONS 
 
 that the creation could have associated with 
 them. And there is a stronger reason, 
 added my uncle Toby, than them all for 
 the ox. My father had not power to take 
 his pen out of his ink-horn, till he had 
 heard my uncle Toby's reason. For when 
 the ground was tilled, said my uncle Toby, 
 and made worth inclosing, then they began 
 to secure it by walls and ditches, which 
 
 was the origin of fortification. True, 
 
 true, dear Toby, cried my father, striking 
 out the bull, and putting the ox in his 
 place. 
 
 My father gave Trim a nod, to snuff the 
 candle, and resumed his discourse. 
 
 I enter upon this speculation, said 
 my father carelessly, and half shutting the 
 book, as he went on, merely to shew the 
 foundation of the natural relation between 
 a father and his child; the right and juris- 
 diction over whom he acquires these several 
 ways 
 
 1st, by marriage. 
 
 2d, by adoption. 
 
 3d, by legitimation. 
 
 And 4th, by procreation; all of which I 
 consider in their order. 
 
 92
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 I lay a slight stress upon one of them, 
 
 replied Yorick the act, especially where 
 
 it ends there, in my opinion lays as little 
 obligation upon the child, as it conveys 
 power to the father. You are wrong, 
 said my father argutely, and for this plain 
 
 reason * * 
 
 ********* 
 
 * * . I own, added my father, that 
 the offspring, upon this account, is not so 
 under the power and jurisdiction of the 
 mother. But the reason, replied Yorick, 
 
 equally holds good for her. She is under 
 
 authority herself, said my father: and be- 
 sides, continued my father, nodding his 
 head, and laying his finger upon the side of 
 his nose, as he assigned his reason, she is 
 not the principal agent, Yorick. In what, 
 quoth my uncle Toby, stopping his pipe. 
 Though by all means, added my father (not 
 attending to my uncle Toby) " The son 
 ought to pay her respect," as you may read, 
 Yarick, at large in the first book of the In- 
 stitutes of Justinian, at the eleventh title 
 and the tenth section. I can read it as 
 well, replied Yorick, in the Catechism. 
 
 93
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 TRIM can repeat every word of it by 
 heart, quoth my uncle Toby. Pugh! 
 said my father, not caring to be in- 
 terrupted with Trim's saying his Catechism. 
 He can, upon my honour, replied my uncle 
 Toby. Ask him, Mr. Yorick, any question 
 you please. 
 
 The fifth Commandment, Trim said 
 Yorick, speaking mildly, and with a gentle 
 nod, as to a modest Catechumen. The cor- 
 poral stood silent. You don't ask him 
 right, said my uncle Toby, raising his 
 voice, and giving it rapidly like the word 
 
 of command; The fifth cried my 
 
 uncle Toby. I must begin with the first, 
 an* please your honour, said the cor- 
 poral. 
 
 Yorick could not forbear smiling. 
 Your reverence does not consider, said the 
 corporal, shouldering his stick like a mus- 
 ket, and marching into the middle of the 
 
 94
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 room, to illustrate his position, that 'tis 
 exactly the same thing, as doing one's ex- 
 ercise in the field. 
 
 "Join your right-hand to your firelock," 
 cried the corporal, giving the word of com- 
 mand, and performing the motion. 
 
 "Poise your firelock," cried the corporal, 
 doing the duty still both of adjutant and 
 private man. 
 
 "Rest your firelock; " one motion, an' 
 please your reverence, you see leads into 
 another. If his honour will begin but with 
 the first 
 
 THE FIRST cried my uncle Toby, setting 
 his hand upon his side * 
 
 ##=###*###: 
 
 THE SECOND cried my uncle Toby, wav- 
 ing his tobacco-pipe, as he would have 
 done his sword at the head of a regiment. 
 -The corporal went through his manual 
 with exactness; and having honoured his 
 father and mother, made a low bow, and 
 fell back to the side of the room. 
 
 Every thing in this world, said my father, 
 is big with jest, and has wit in it, and 
 instruction too, if we can but find it out. 
 
 Here is the scaffold work of INSTRUC- 
 
 95
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 TION, its true point of folly, without the 
 BUILDING behind it. 
 
 Here is the glass for pedagogues, pre- 
 ceptors, tutors, governors, gerund-grinders, 
 and bear-leaders to view themselves in, in 
 their true dimensions. 
 
 Oh! there is a husk and shell, Yorick, 
 which grows up with learning, which their 
 unskilfulness knows not how to fling away! 
 
 SCIENCES MAY BE LEARNED BY ROTE, 
 BUT WISDOM NOT. 
 
 Yorick thought my father inspired. I 
 will enter into obligations this moment, said 
 my father, to lay out all my aunt Dinah's 
 legacy, in charitable uses (of which, by the 
 bye, my father had no high opinion), if the 
 corporal has any one determinate idea an- 
 nexed to any one word he has repeated. 
 Prythee, Trim, quoth my father, turning 
 round to him, What dost thou mean, by 
 ' ' honouring- thy father and mother ? ' ' 
 
 Allowing them, an' please your honour, 
 three half-pence a day out of my pay, when 
 they grow old. And didst thou do that, 
 Trim? said Yorick. He did indeed, re- 
 plied my uncle Toby. Then, said Trim, 
 Yorick, springing out of his chair, and tak- 
 
 96
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 ing the corporal by the hand, thou art the 
 best commentator upon that part of the 
 Decalogue; and I honour thee more for it, 
 corporal Trim, than if thou hadst had a 
 hand in the Talmud itself. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 O BLESSED health! cried my father, 
 making an exclamation, as he turned 
 over the leaves to the next chapter, 
 thou art above all gold and treasure: 'tis 
 thou who enlargest the soul, and openest 
 all its powers to receive instructions and to 
 relish virtue. He that has thee, has little 
 more to wish for; and he that is so 
 wretched as to want thee, wants every 
 thing with thee. 
 
 I have concentrated all that can be said 
 upon this important head, said my father, 
 into a very little room, therefore we'll read 
 the chapter quite through. 
 My father read as follows: 
 ' The whole secret of health depending
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 upon the due contention for mastery betwixt 
 the radical heat and the radical moisture " 
 You have proved that matter of fact, I sup- 
 pose, above, said Yorick. Sufficiently, re- 
 plied my father. 
 
 In saying this, my father shut the book, 
 not as if he resolved to read no more of 
 it, for he kept his fore-finger in the chapter : 
 
 nor pettishly, for he shut the book 
 
 slowly ; his thumb resting, when he had 
 done it, upon the upper- side of the cover, 
 as his three fingers supported the lower 
 side of it, without the least compressive 
 violence. 
 
 I have demonstrated the truth of that 
 point, quoth my father, nodding to Yorick, 
 most sufficiently in the preceding chapter. 
 
 Now could the man in the moon be told, 
 that a man in the earth had wrote a chapter, 
 sufficiently demonstrating, That the secret of 
 all health depended upon the due contention 
 for mastery betwixt the radical heat and the 
 radical moisture, and that he had managed 
 the point so well, that there was not one 
 single word wet or dry upon radical heat or 
 radical moisture, throughout the whole chap- 
 ter, or a single syllable in it, pro or con,
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 directly or indirectly, upon the contention 
 betwixt these two powers in any part of the 
 
 animal ceconomy. 
 
 "O thou eternal Maker of all beings!" 
 he would cry, striking his breast with his 
 right hand (in case he had one) "Thou 
 whose power and goodness can enlarge the 
 faculties of thy creatures to this infinite de- 
 gree of excellence and perfection, What 
 have we MOONITES done ?" 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIV. 
 
 WITH two strokes, the one at Hippo- 
 crates, the other at Lord J^erulam, 
 did my father achieve it. 
 The stroke at the prince of physicians, 
 with which he began, was no more than a 
 short insult upon his sorrowful complaint of 
 
 the Ars longa, and Vita brevis. Life 
 
 short, cried my father, and the art of 
 healing tedious! And who are we to thank 
 for both the one and the other, but the 
 ignorance of quacks themselves, and the 
 
 99
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 stage-loads of chymical nostrums, and peri- 
 patetic lumber, with which, in all ages, 
 they have first flatter'd the world, and at 
 last deceived it? 
 
 O my lord F'erulam! cried my father, 
 turning from Hippocrates, and making his 
 second stroke at him, as the principal of 
 nostrum -mongers, and the fittest to be 
 
 made an example of to the rest, What 
 
 shall I say to thee, my great lord Verulaml 
 What shall I say to thy internal spirit, 
 
 thy opium, thy salt-petre, thy greasy 
 
 unctions, thy daily purges, thy nightly 
 clysters, and succedaneums ? 
 
 My father was never at a loss what 
 
 to say to any man, upon any subject; and 
 had the least occasion for the exordium of 
 any man breathing: how he dealt with his 
 
 lordship's opinion, you shall see; but 
 
 when I know not:- -we must first see 
 what his lordship's opinion was. 
 
 100
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXXV. 
 
 THE two great causes, which conspire 
 with each other to shorten life, says 
 lord Verulam, are first 
 
 "The internal spirit, which, like a gentle 
 flame, wastes the body down to death: 
 And secondly, the external air, that parches 
 the body up to ashes: which two enemies 
 attacking us on both sides of our bodies 
 together, at length destroy our organs, and 
 render them unfit to carry on the functions 
 of life." 
 
 This being the state of the case, the road 
 to Longevity was plain ; nothing more being 
 required, says his lordship, but to repair the 
 waste committed by the internal spirit, by 
 making the substance of it more thick and 
 dense, by a regular course of opiates on one 
 side, and by refrigerating the heat of it on 
 the other, by three grains and a half of 
 salt-petre every morning before you got 
 up.- 
 
 Still this frame of ours was left exposed 
 
 101
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 to the inimical assaults of the air without; 
 
 but this was fenced off again by a course 
 
 of greasy unctions, which so fully saturated 
 
 the pores of the skin, that no spicula could 
 
 enter; nor could any one get out. 
 
 This put a stop to all perspiration, sensible 
 and insensible, which being the cause of so 
 many scurvy distempers a course of clys- 
 ters was requisite to carry off redundant 
 humours, and render the system com- 
 plete. 
 
 What my father had to say to my lord of 
 Verulam's opiates, his salt-petre, and greasy 
 unctions and clysters, you shall read, but 
 not to-day or to-morrow: time presses upon 
 me, my reader is impatient I must get 
 forwards. - - You shall read the chapter at 
 your leisure (if you chuse it), as soon as 
 ever the Tristra-pcedia is published. 
 
 Sufficeth it at present, to say, my father 
 levelled the hypothesis with the ground, and 
 in doing that, the learned know, he built up 
 and established his own. 
 
 109
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDl 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVI. 
 
 THE whole secret of health, said my 
 father, beginning the sentence again, 
 depending evidently upon the due 
 contention betwixt the radical heat and rad- 
 ical moisture within us; the least imagina- 
 ble skill had been sufficient to have main- 
 tained it, had not the schoolmen confounded 
 the talk, merely (as Van Helmont, the fa- 
 mous chymist, has proved) by all along mis- 
 taking the radical moisture for the tallow 
 and fat of animal bodies. 
 
 Now the radical moisture is not the tal- 
 low or fat of animals, but an oily and bal- 
 samous substance; for the fat and tallow, as 
 also the phlegm or watery parts, are cold; 
 whereas the oily and balsamous parts are of 
 a lively heat and spirit, which accounts for 
 the observation of Aristotle, "Quod omne 
 animal post coitum est triste. ' ' 
 
 Now it is certain, that the radical heat 
 lives in the radical moisture, but whether 
 vice versa, is a doubt: however, when the 
 
 103
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 one decays, the other decays also; and then 
 is produced, either an unnatural heat, which 
 causes an unnatural dry ness or an un- 
 natural moisture, which causes dropsies. 
 
 So that if a child, as he grows up, can but 
 be taught to avoid running into fire or 
 water, as either of 'em threaten his destruc- 
 tion, 'twill be all that is needful to be 
 
 done upon that head. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVII. 
 
 THE description of the siege of Jericho 
 itself, could not have engaged the 
 attention of my uncle Toby more 
 powerfully than the last chapter; his eyes 
 were fixed upon my father, throughout it; 
 he never mentioned radical heat and radical 
 moisture, but my uncle Toby took his pipe 
 out of his mouth, and shook his head; and 
 as soon as the chapter was finished, he 
 beckoned to the corporal to come close to 
 his chair, to ask him the following ques- 
 tion, aside. * 
 
 * * * * # * # *. It 
 
 104
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 was at the siege of Limerick, an' please 
 your honour, replied the corporal, making a 
 bow. 
 
 The poor fellow and I, quoth my uncle 
 Toby, addressing himself to my father, were 
 scarce able to crawl out of our tents, at the 
 time the siege of Limerick was raised, upon 
 
 the very account you mention. Now 
 
 what can have got into that precious nod- 
 dle of thine, my dear brother Toby ? cried 
 my father, mentally. By Heaven ! con- 
 tinued he, communing still with himself, it 
 would puzzle an CEdipus to bring it in 
 point. 
 
 I believe, an' please your honour, quoth 
 the corporal, that if it had not been for 
 the quantity of brandy we set fire to every 
 night, and the claret and cinnamon with 
 which I plyed your honour off; And the 
 geneva, Trim, added my uncle Toby, which 
 did us more good than all 1 verily be- 
 lieve, continued the corporal, we had both, 
 an' please your honour, left our lives in the 
 
 trenches, and been buried in them too. 
 
 The noblest grave, corporal! cried my uncle 
 Toby, his eyes sparkling as he spoke, that a 
 soldier could wish to lie down in. But a 
 
 105
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 pitiful death for him! an' please your hon- 
 our, replied the corporal. 
 
 All this was as much Ardbick to my 
 father, as the rites of the Colchi and Trog- 
 lodites had been before to my uncle Toby ; 
 my father could not determine whether he 
 was to frown or to smile. 
 
 My uncle Toby, turning to Yorick, re- 
 sumed the case at Limerick, more intelli- 
 gibly than he had begun it, and so settled 
 the point for my father at once. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVIII. 
 
 IT was undoubtedly, said my uncle Toby, 
 a great happiness for myself and the 
 corporal, that we had all along a burn- 
 ing fever, attended with a most raging 
 thirst, during the whole five-and-twenty 
 days the flux was upon us in the camp; 
 otherwise what my brother calls the radical 
 moisture, must, as I conceive it, inevitably 
 have got the better. My father drew in 
 his lungs top-full of air, and looking up, 
 
 106
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 blew it forth again, as slowly as he possibly 
 could. 
 
 It was Heaven's mercy to us, con- 
 tinued my uncle Toby, which put it into 
 the corporal's head to maintain that due 
 contention betwixt the radical heat and the 
 radical moisture, by reinforcing the fever, as 
 he did all along, with hot wine and spices; 
 whereby the corporal kept up (as it were) a 
 continual firing, so that the radical heat 
 stood its ground from the beginning to the 
 end, and was a fair match for the moisture, 
 
 terrible as it was. Upon my honour, 
 
 added my uncle Toby, you might have 
 heard the contention within our bodies, 
 brother Shandy, twenty toises. If there 
 was no firing, said Yorick. 
 
 Well said my father, with a full aspira- 
 tion, and pausing a while after the word 
 
 Was I a judge, and the laws of the 
 
 country which made me one permitted it, I 
 would condemn some of the worst malefac- 
 tors, provided they had had their clergy 
 Yorick foreseeing the sen- 
 tence was likely to end with no sort of 
 mercy, laid his hand upon my father's 
 breast, and begged he would respite it for 
 
 10T
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 a few minutes, till he asked the corporal a 
 question. - - Prithee, Trim, said Yorick, 
 without staying for my father's leave, tell 
 us honestly what is thy opinion concern- 
 ing this self-same radical heat and radical 
 moisture ? 
 
 With humble submission to his honour's 
 better judgment, quoth the corporal, mak- 
 ing a bow to my uncle Toby Speak thy 
 opinion freely, corporal, said my uncle Toby. 
 The poor fellow is my servant, not my 
 slave, added my uncle Toby, turning to 
 my father. 
 
 The corporal put his hat under his left 
 arm, and with his stick hanging upon the 
 wrist of it, by a black thong split into a 
 tassel about the knot, he marched up to 
 the ground where he had performed his 
 catechism ; then touching his under-jaw 
 with the thumb and fingers of his right- 
 hand before he opened his mouth, he 
 
 delivered his notion thus. 
 
 108
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIX. 
 
 JUST as the corporal was humming, to 
 begin in waddled Dr Slop. 'Tis not 
 two-pence matter the corporal shall go 
 on in the next chapter, let who will come 
 in. 
 
 Well, my good doctor, cried my father 
 sportively, for the transitions of his passions 
 were unaccountably sudden, and what has 
 this whelp of mine to say to the mat- 
 ter? 
 
 Had my father been asking after the am- 
 putation of the tail of a puppy-dog he 
 could not have done it in a more careless 
 air: the system which Dr Slop had laid 
 down, to treat the accident by, no way 
 allowed of such a mode of enquiry. He 
 sat down. 
 
 Pray, Sir, quoth my uncle Toby, in a 
 manner which could not go unanswered, 
 in what condition is the boy? 'Twill end 
 in a phimosis, replied Dr Slop. 
 
 I am no wiser than I was, quoth my 
 
 109
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 uncle Toby, returning his pipe into his 
 
 mouth. Then let the corporal go on, 
 
 said my father, with his medical lecture. 
 The corporal made a bow to his old friend, 
 Dr Slop, and then delivered his opinion con- 
 cerning radical heat and radical moisture, in 
 the following words. 
 
 CHAPTER XL. 
 
 city of Limerick, the siege of 
 JL which was begun under his majesty 
 king William himself, the year after 
 I went into the army lies, an' please your 
 honours, in the middle of a devilish wet, 
 swampy country. 'Tis quite surrounded, 
 said my uncle Toby, with the Shannon, and 
 is, by its situation, one of the strongest 
 
 fortified places in Ireland. 
 
 I think this is a new fashion, quoth Dr 
 Slop, of beginning a medical lecture. 'Tis 
 all true, answered Trim. Then I wish the 
 faculty would follow the cut of it, said 
 Yorick. 'Tis all cut through, an' please 
 
 no
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 your reverence, said the corporal, with 
 drains and bogs; and besides, there was 
 such a quantity of rain fell during the 
 siege, the whole country was like a pud- 
 dle, 'twas that, and nothing else, which 
 brought on the flux, and which had like to 
 have killed both his honour and myself; 
 now there was no such thing, after the 
 first ten days, continued the corporal, for a 
 soldier to lie dry in his tent, without cutting 
 a ditch round it, to draw off the water; 
 nor was that enough, for those who could 
 afford it, as his honour could, without set- 
 ting fire every night to a pewter dish full 
 of brandy, which took off the damp of the 
 air, and made the inside of the tent as 
 warm as a stove. 
 
 And what conclusion dost thou draw, 
 corporal Trim, cried my father, from all 
 these premises ? 
 
 I infer, an' please your worship, replied 
 Trim, that the radical moisture is nothing 
 in the world but ditch-water and that the 
 radical heat, of those who can go to the 
 expence of it, is burnt brandy the radical 
 heat and moisture of a private man, an' 
 please your honour, is nothing but ditch- 
 
 111
 
 water and a dram of geneva and give 
 
 us but enough of it, with a pipe of tobacco, 
 to give us spirits, and drive away the 
 vapours we know not what it is to fear 
 death. 
 
 I am at a loss, Captain Shandy, quoth 
 Dr Slop, to determine in which branch 
 of learning your servant shines most, 
 whether in physiology, or divinity. Slop 
 had not forgot Trim's comment upon the 
 sermon. 
 
 It is but an hour ago, replied Yorick, 
 since the corporal was examined in the 
 latter, and pass'd muster with great hon- 
 our. 
 
 The radical heat and moisture, quoth Dr 
 Slop, turning to my father, you must know, 
 is the basis and foundation of our being, 
 as the root of a tree is the source and prin- 
 ciple of its vegetation. It is inherent in the 
 seeds of all animals, and may be preserved 
 sundry ways, but principally in my opinion 
 by consubstantials, impriments, and occlu- 
 dents. Now this poor fellow, continued 
 Dr Slop, pointing to the corporal, has had 
 the misfortune to have heard some super- 
 ficial empiric discourse upon this nice point. 
 
 112
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 That he has, said my father. Very 
 
 likely, said my uncle. I'm sure of it 
 quoth Yorick. 
 
 CHAPTER XLI. 
 
 DOCTOR Slop being called out to look 
 at a cataplasm he had ordered, it gave 
 my father an opportunity of going on 
 with another chapter in the Tristra-pasdia. 
 Come! cheer up, my lads; I'll shew 
 
 you land for when we have tugged 
 
 through that chapter, the book shall not be 
 opened again this twelvemonth. Huzza! 
 
 CHAPTER XLII. 
 
 k IVE years with a bib under his 
 
 chin; 
 
 Four years in travelling from Christ- 
 cross-row to Malachi; 
 
 A year and a half in learning to write his 
 own name; 
 
 113
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Seven long years and more Tv-m-co-ing it, at 
 Greek and Latin; 
 
 Four years at his probations and his nega- 
 tions the fine statue still lying in the mid- 
 dle of the marble block, and nothing done, 
 but his tools sharpened to hew it out! 'Tis 
 a piteous delay! Was not the great Julius 
 Scaliger within an ace of never getting his 
 tools sharpened at all? - Forty- four years 
 old was he before he could manage his Greek ; 
 and Peter Damianus, lord bishop of Ostia, 
 as all the world knows, could not so much 
 as read, when he was of man's estate. And 
 Baldus himself, as eminent as he turned out 
 after, entered upon the law so late in life, 
 that every body imagined he intended to 
 be an advocate in the other world: no won- 
 der, when Eudamidas, the son of Archi- 
 damas, heard Xenocrates at seventy-five dis- 
 puting about wisdom, that he asked gravely, 
 If the old man be yet disputing and en- 
 quiring concerning wisdom., what time will 
 he have to make use of it ? 
 
 Yorick listened to my father with great 
 attention; there was a seasoning of wisdom 
 unaccountably mixed up with his strangest 
 whims, and he had sometimes such illumina- 
 
 114
 
 tions in the darkest of his eclipses, as almost 
 atoned for them: be wary, Sir, when you 
 imitate him. 
 
 I am convinced, Yorick, continued my 
 father, half reading and half discoursing, 
 that there is a Northwest passage to the 
 intellectual world ; and that the soul of man 
 has shorter ways of going to work, in fur- 
 nishing itself with knowledge and instruc- 
 tion, than we generally take with it. 
 
 But alack! all fields have not a river or a 
 spring running besides them; every child, 
 Yorick, has not a parent to point it out. 
 
 The whole entirely depends, added 
 my father, in a low voice, upon the auxili- 
 ary verbs, Mr Yorick. 
 
 Had Yorick trod upon VirgiVs snake, he 
 could not have looked more surprised. I 
 am surprised too, cried my father, observing 
 it, and I reckon it as one of the greatest 
 calamities which ever befel the republic of 
 letters, That those who have been entrusted 
 with the education of our children, and 
 whose business it was to open their minds, 
 and stock them early with ideas, in order to 
 set the imagination loose upon them, have 
 made so little use of the auxiliary verbs in 
 
 115
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 doing it, as they have done So that, ex- 
 cept Raymond Lullius, and the elder Pele- 
 grini, the last of which arrived to such 
 perfection in the use of 'em, with his topics, 
 that in a few lessons, he could teach a 
 young gentleman to discourse with plausi- 
 bility upon any subject, pro and con, and 
 to say and write all that could be spoken 
 or written concerning it, without blotting a 
 word, to the admiration of all who beheld 
 him. I should be glad, said Yorick, inter- 
 rupting my father, to be made to compre- 
 hend this matter. You shall, said my 
 father. 
 
 The highest stretch of improvement a 
 single word is capable of, is a high meta- 
 phor, for which, in my opinion, the idea 
 
 is generally the worse, and not the better; 
 
 but be that as it may, when the mind 
 
 has done that with it there is an end, the 
 mind and the idea are at rest, until a sec- 
 ond idea enters; and so on. 
 
 Now the use of the Auxiliaries is, at once 
 to set the soul a-going by herself upon the 
 materials as they are brought her; and by 
 the versability of this great engine, round 
 which they are twisted, to open new tracts 
 
 116
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 of enquiry, and make every idea engender 
 millions. 
 
 You excite my curiosity greatly, said 
 Yorick. 
 
 For my own part, quoth my uncle Toby, 
 
 I have given it up. The Danes, an' 
 
 please your honour, quoth the corporal, who 
 were on the left at the siege of Limerick, 
 
 were all auxiliaries. And very good ones, 
 
 said my uncle Toby. But the auxiliaries, 
 Trim, my brother is talking about, I con- 
 ceive to be different things. 
 
 You do? said my father, rising up. 
 
 CHAPTER XLIII. 
 
 MY father took a single turn across the 
 room, then sat down and finished 
 the chapter. 
 
 The verbs auxiliary we are concerned in 
 here, continued my father, are, am; was; 
 have; had; do; did; make; made; suffer; 
 shall; should; will; would; can; could; owe; 
 ought; used; or is wont. And these varied 
 
 117
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 with tenses, present, past, future, and con- 
 jugated with the verb see, or with these 
 questions added to them; Is it? Was it? 
 Will it be? Would it be? May it bet 
 Might it be ? And these again put nega- 
 tively, Is it not ? Was it not ? Ought it 
 not? Or affirmatively, It is; It was; It 
 ought to be. Or chronologically, Has it 
 been always ? Lately ? How long" ago ? 
 Or hypothetically, If it was; If it was 
 
 not? What would follow? If the French 
 
 should beat the English? If the Sun go 
 out of the Zodiac? 
 
 Now, by the right use and application 
 of these, continued my father, in which a 
 child's memory should be exercised, there is 
 no one idea can enter his brain, how barren 
 soever, but a magazine of conceptions and 
 conclusions may be drawn forth from it. 
 Didst thou ever see a white bear? cried my 
 father, turning his head round to Trim, who 
 stood at the back of his chair: No, an' 
 please your honour, replied the corporal. 
 But thou couldst discourse about one, Trim, 
 
 said my father, in case of need? How is 
 
 it possible, brother, quoth my uncle Toby, 
 if the corporal never saw one? 'Tis the 
 
 118
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 fact I want; replied my father, and the 
 possibility of it is as follows. 
 
 A WHITE BEAR ! Very well. Have I 
 ever seen one ? Might I ever have seen 
 one ? Am I ever to see one ? Ought I 
 ever to have seen one ? Or can I ever see 
 one ? 
 
 Would I had seen a white bear! (for how 
 can I imagine it?) 
 
 If I should see a white bear, what should 
 I say? If I should never see a white bear, 
 what then? 
 
 If I never have, can, must, or shall see 
 a white bear alive; have I ever seen the 
 skin of one ? Did I ever see one painted ? 
 described ? Have I never dreamed of 
 one ? 
 
 Did my father, mother, uncle, aunt, 
 brothers or sisters, ever see a white bear ? 
 What would they give ? How would they 
 behave ? How would the white bear have 
 behaved ? Is he wild ? Tame ? Terrible ? 
 Rough ? Smooth ? 
 
 Is the white bear worth seeing? 
 Is there no sin in it? 
 
 Is it better than a BLACK ONE? 
 
 119
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENT. 
 
 BOOK VI. 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 w 
 
 E'LL not stop two moments, 
 my dear Sir, only, as we have 
 got through these five volumes,* 
 (do, Sir, sit down upon a set they are bet- 
 ter than nothing) let us just look back upon 
 
 the country we have passed through. 
 
 -What a wilderness has it been! and 
 what a mercy that we have not both of us 
 been lost, or devoured by wild beasts in it! 
 
 Did you think the world itself, Sir, had 
 
 contained such a number of Jack Asses? 
 
 How they view'd and review' d us as 
 
 we passed over the rivulet at the bottom 
 
 of that little valley ! and when we 
 
 climbed over that hill, and were just get- 
 
 * In the first edition, the sixth volume began with this 
 chapter. 
 
 121
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 ting out of sight good God! what a bray- 
 ing did they all set up together! 
 
 Prithee, shepherd ! who keeps all 
 
 those Jack Asses ? * 
 
 Heaven be their comforter What! 
 
 are they never curried ? Are they never 
 
 taken in in winter?- -Bray, bray bray. 
 
 Bray on, the world is deeply your debtor; 
 
 -louder still that's nothing; in good 
 
 sooth, you are ill-used: Was I a Jack 
 
 Asse, I solemnly declare, I would bray in 
 G-fol-re-ut from morning, even unto night. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 WHEN my father had danced his white 
 bear backwards and forwards through 
 half a dozen pages, he closed the book 
 for good an' all, and in a kind of triumph 
 redelivered it into Trim's hand, with a nod 
 to lay it upon the 'scrutoire, where he found 
 it. -Tristram, said he, shall be made to 
 conjugate every word in the dictionary, 
 
 backwards and forwards the same way; 
 
 every word, Yorick, by this means, you see, 
 is converted into a thesis or an hypothesis; 
 
 122
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 every thesis and hypothesis have an off- 
 spring of propositions; and each proposition 
 has its own consequences and conclusions; 
 every one of which leads the mind on again, 
 into fresh tracks of enquiries and doubt- 
 ings. The force of this engine, added my 
 father, is incredible, in opening a child's 
 head. -'Tis enough, brother Shandy, cried 
 my uncle Toby, to burst it into a thousand 
 splinters. 
 
 I presume, said Yorick, smiling, it must 
 
 be owing to this, (for let logicians say 
 
 what they will, it is not to be accounted 
 for sufficiently from the bare use of the ten 
 
 predicaments) That the famous Vincent 
 
 Quirino, amongst the many other astonish- 
 ing feats of his childhood, of which the 
 Cardinal Bembo has given the world so ex- 
 act a story, should be able to paste up in 
 the public schools at Rome, so early as in 
 the eighth year of his age, no less than four 
 thousand five hundred and fifty different 
 theses, upon the most abstruse points of the 
 most abstruse theology; and to defend and 
 maintain them in such sort, as to cramp 
 and dumbfound his opponents. What is 
 that, cried my father, to what is told us 
 
 123
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 of Alphonsus Tostatus, who, almost in his 
 nurse's arms, learned all the sciences and 
 liberal arts without being taught any one 
 of them ? - - What shall we say of the 
 great PieresJdus ? - - That's the very man, 
 cried my uncle Toby, I once told you of, 
 brother Shandy, who walked a matter of 
 five hundred miles, reckoning from Paris 
 to Shevling, and from Shevling back again, 
 merely to see Stevinus's flying chariot. 
 He was a very great man ! added my uncle 
 Toby (meaning Stevinus) He was so, brother 
 Toby, said my father (meaning Piereskius) 
 
 and had multiplied his ideas so fast, and 
 
 increased his knowledge to such a prodigious 
 stock, that, if we may give credit to an 
 anecdote concerning him, which we cannot 
 withhold here, without shaking the authority 
 of all anecdotes whatever at seven years 
 of age, his father committed entirely to his 
 care the education of his younger brother, 
 a boy of five years old, with the sole man- 
 agement of all his concerns. Was the father 
 as wise as the son ? quoth my uncle Toby: 
 I should think not, said Yorick : But 
 what are these, continued my father 
 (breaking out in a kind of enthusiasm) 
 
 124
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 what are these, to those prodigies of child- 
 hood in Gh-otius, Scioppius, Heinsius, Pol- 
 itian, Pascal, Joseph Scaliger, Ferdinand 
 de Cordoue, and others some of which 
 left off their substantial forms at nine years 
 old, or sooner, and went on reasoning 
 without them; others went through their 
 classics at seven; wrote tragedies at eight; 
 Ferdinand de Cordoue was so wise at nine, 
 'twas thought the Devil was in him; 
 and at Venice gave such proofs of his\ 
 knowledge and goodness, that the monks \ 
 
 imagined he was Antichrist, or nothing. \ 
 
 Others were masters of fourteen languages I 
 at ten, finished the course of their rhetoric, 
 poetry, logic, and ethics, at eleven, put 
 forth their commentaries upon Servius and 
 Martianus Capella at twelve, and at thir- 
 teen received their degrees in philosophy, 
 laws, and divinity: But you forget the 
 great Lipsius, quoth Yorick, who composed 
 a work* the day he was born : They should 
 
 * Nous aurions quelque interet, says Baillet, de montrer qu'il 
 n' a rien de ridicule s'il etoit veritable, au moins dans le sens 
 enigmatique que Nidus Erythrceus a tache de lui donner. Get 
 auteur dit que pour comprendre comme Lipse, il a pu composer 
 un ouvrage le premier jour de sa vie, il faut s'imaginer, que 
 ce premier jour n'est pas celui de sa naissance charnelle, mais 
 celui au quel il a commence d'user de la rajson; il veut que 
 
 125
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 have wiped it up, said my uncle Toby, and 
 said no more about it. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 WHEN the cataplasm was ready, a scru- 
 ple of decorum had unseasonably rose 
 up in Susannah's conscience, about 
 holding the candle, whilst Slop tied it on; 
 Slop had not treated Susannah's distemper 
 with anodynes, and so a quarrel had ensued 
 betwixt them. 
 
 Oh ! oh 1 said Slop, casting a glance 
 
 of undue freedom in Susannah's face, as she 
 
 declined the office ; then, I think I know 
 
 you, madam -You know me, Sir! cried 
 Susannah fastidiously, and with a toss of 
 her head, levelled evidently, not at his pro- 
 fession, but at the doctor himself, you 
 
 know mel cried Susannah again. Doctor 
 
 Slop clapped his finger and his thumb in- 
 stantly upon his nostrils ; Susannah's 
 
 <j'ait etc a 1'age de neuf ans; et il nous veut persuader que 
 
 ce fut en cet age, que Lipse fit un poe"me. Le tour est 
 
 ingenieux, &c. &c. 
 
 126
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 spleen was ready to burst at it; 'Tis 
 
 false, said Susannah. Come, come, Mrs 
 Modesty, said Slop, not a little elated with 
 
 the success of his last thrust, If you 
 
 won't hold the candle, and look you may 
 hold it and shut your eyes: That's one of 
 your popish shifts, cried Susannah: 'Tis 
 better, said Slop, with a nod, than no shift 
 at all, young woman; I defy you, Sir, 
 cried Susannah, pulling her shift sleeve be- 
 low her elbow. 
 
 It was almost impossible for two persons 
 to assist each other in a surgical case with 
 a more splenetic cordiality. 
 
 Slop snatched up the cataplasm, Su- 
 sannah snatched up the candle; a little 
 
 this way, said Slop; Susannah looking one 
 way, and rowing another, instantly set fire 
 to Slop's wig, which being somewhat bushy 
 and unctuous withal, was burnt out before 
 
 it was well kindled. You impudent 
 
 whore! cried Slop, (for what is passion, but 
 a wild beast?) you impudent whore, cried 
 Slop, getting upright, with the cataplasm in 
 his hand; I never was the destruction of 
 any body's nose, said Susannah, which is 
 more than you can say: Is it? cried Slop, 
 
 127
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 throwing the cataplasm in her face; -Yes, 
 it is, cried Susannah, returning the compli- 
 ment with what was left in the pan. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 DOCTOR Slop and Susannah filed cross- 
 bills against each other in the par- 
 lour; which done, as the cataplasm 
 had failed, they retired into the kitchen to 
 prepare a fomentation for me; and whilst 
 that was doing, my father determined the 
 point as you will read. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 YOU see 'tis high time, said my father, 
 addressing himself equally to my uncle 
 Toby and Yorick, to take this young 
 creature out of these women's hands, and 
 put him into those of a private governor. 
 
 128
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Marcus Antoninus provided fourteen gov- 
 ernors all at once to superintend his son 
 Commodus's education, and in six weeks 
 he cashiered five of them; I know very 
 well, continued my father, that Commodus's 
 mother was in love with a gladiator at the 
 time of her conception, which accounts for 
 a great many of Commodus's cruelties when 
 he became emperor ; but still I am of 
 opinion, that those five whom Antoninus 
 dismissed, did Commodus's temper, in that 
 short time, more hurt than the other nine 
 were able to rectify all their lives long. 
 
 Now as I consider the person who is to 
 be about my son, as the mirror in which 
 he is to view himself from morning to 
 night, and by which he is to adjust his 
 looks, his carriage, and perhaps the inmost 
 sentiments of his heart; I would have one, 
 Yorick, if possible, polished at all points, fit 
 
 for my child to look into. This is very 
 
 good sense, quoth my uncle Toby to him- 
 self. 
 
 There is, continued my father, a cer- 
 tain mien and motion of the body and all 
 its parts, both in acting and speaking, which 
 argues a man well within; and I am not at 
 
 129
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 all surprised that Gregory of Nazianzum, 
 upon observing the hasty and untoward 
 gestures of Julian, should foretel he would 
 
 one day become an apostate; or that St 
 
 Ambrose should turn his Amanuensis out of 
 doors, because of an indecent motion of his 
 head, which went backwards and forwards 
 
 like a flail; or that Democritus should 
 
 conceive Protagoras to be a scholar, from 
 seeing him bind up a faggot, and thrusting, 
 
 as he did it, the small twigs inwards. 
 
 There are a thousand unnoticed openings, 
 continued my father, which let a penetrat- 
 ing eye at once into a man's soul; and I 
 maintain it, added he, that a man of sense 
 does not lay down his hat hi coming into a 
 room, or take it up in going out of it, 
 but something escapes, which discovers him. 
 
 It is for these reasons, continued my 
 father, that the governor I make choice of 
 shall neither * lisp, or squint, or wink, or 
 
 talk loud, or look fierce, or foolish; or 
 
 bite his lips, or grind his teeth, or speak 
 through his nose, or pick it, or blow it 
 with his fingers. 
 
 He shall neither walk fast, or slow, or 
 
 * Vid. Pettegrina. 
 ISO
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 fold his arms, for that is laziness; or hang 
 them down, for that is folly; or hide them 
 hi his pocket, for that is nonsense. 
 
 He shall neither strike, or pinch, or 
 tickle, or bite, or cut his nails, or hawk, 
 or spit, or snift, or drum with his feet or 
 fingers in company ; - - nor (according to 
 Erasmus) shall he speak to any one hi 
 making- water, nor shall he point to car- 
 rion or excrement. Now this is all non- 
 sense again, quoth my uncle Toby to him- 
 self. - 
 
 I will have him, continued my father, 
 cheerful, facete, jovial; at the same time, 
 prudent, attentive to business, vigilant, 
 acute, argute, inventive, quick in resolv- 
 ing doubts and speculative questions; 
 he shall be wise, and judicious, and learned: 
 
 And why not humble, and moderate, 
 and gentle - tempered, and good ? said 
 Yorick: And why not, cried my uncle 
 Toby, free, and generous, and bountiful, 
 and brave ? - He shall, my dear Toby, 
 replied my father, getting up and shaking 
 him by his hand. Then, brother Shandy, 
 answered my uncle Toby, raising himself off 
 the chair, and laying down his pipe to take 
 
 131
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 hold of my father's other hand, I humbly 
 beg I may recommend poor Le Fever's son 
 to you; a tear of joy of the first water 
 sparkled in my uncle Toby's eye, and an- 
 other, the fellow to it, in the corporal's, as 
 
 the proposition was made; you will see 
 
 why when you read Le Fever's story: 
 
 fool that I was! nor can I recollect, (nor 
 perhaps you) without turning back to the 
 place, what it was that hindered me from 
 letting the corporal tell it in his own 
 words; but the occasion is lost, I must 
 tell it now in my own. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 THE STORY OF LE FEVER. 
 
 IT was some time in the summer of that 
 year in which Dendermond was taken 
 by the allies, which was about seven 
 years before my father came into the coun- 
 try, and about as many, after the time, 
 that my uncle Toby and Trim had privately 
 
 132
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 decamped from my father's house in town, 
 in order to lay some of the finest sieges to 
 some of the finest fortified cities in Europe 
 
 when my uncle Toby was one evening 
 
 getting his supper, with Trim sitting behind 
 him at a small sideboard, I say, sitting 
 for in consideration of the corporal's lame 
 knee (which sometimes gave him exquisite 
 pain) when my uncle Toby dined or supped 
 alone, he would never suffer the corporal to 
 stand; and the poor fellow's veneration for 
 his master was such, that, with a proper 
 artillery, my uncle Toby could have taken 
 Dendermond itself, with less trouble than he 
 was able to gain this point over him; for 
 many a time when my uncle Toby supposed 
 the corporal's leg was at rest, he would look 
 back, and detect him standing behind him 
 with the most dutiful respect: this bred 
 more little squabbles betwixt them, than all 
 other causes for five-and-twenty years to- 
 gether But this is neither here nor there- 
 why do I mention it? Ask my pen, it 
 governs me, I govern not it. 
 
 He was one evening sitting thus at his 
 supper, when the landlord of a little inn in 
 the village came into the parlour with an 
 
 133
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 empty phial in his hand, to beg a glass or 
 two of sack; 'Tis for a poor gentleman, 
 I think, of the army, said the landlord, who 
 has been taken ill at my house four days 
 ago, and has never held up his head since, 
 or had a desire to taste any thing, till just 
 now, that he has a fancy for a glass of sack 
 and a thin toast, / think, says he, taking 
 his hand from his forehead, it would comfort 
 me. 
 
 If I could neither beg, borrow, or 
 buy such a thing, added the landlord, I 
 would almost steal it for the poor gentle- 
 man, he is so ill. I hope in God he will 
 still mend, continued he, we are all of us 
 concerned for him. 
 
 Thou art a good-natured soul, I will an- 
 swer for thee, cried rny uncle Toby; and 
 thou shalt drink the poor gentleman's health 
 in a glass of sack thyself, and take a couple 
 of bottles with my service, and tell him he 
 is heartily welcome to them, and to a dozen 
 more if they will do him good. 
 
 Though I am persuaded, said my uncle 
 Toby, as the landlord shut the door, he is 
 a very compassionate fellow Trim, yet I 
 cannot help entertaining a high opinion of 
 
 134
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 his guest too; there must be something 
 more than common in him, that in so short 
 a time should win so much upon the affec- 
 tions of his host; And of his whole 
 
 family, added the corporal, for they are all 
 
 concerned for him. Step after him, said 
 
 my uncle Toby, do, Trim, and ask if he 
 knows his name. 
 
 1 have quite forgot it, truly, said the 
 
 landlord, coming back into the parlour with 
 the corporal, but I can ask his son again: 
 
 Has he a son with him then? said my 
 
 uncle Toby. A boy, replied the landlord, 
 of about eleven or twelve years of age; 
 but the poor creature has tasted almost as 
 little as his father; he does nothing but 
 mourn and lament for him night and day: 
 
 He has not stirred from the bed-side 
 
 these two days. 
 
 My uncle Toby laid down his knife and 
 fork, and thrust his plate from before him, 
 as the landlord gave him the account; and 
 Trim, without being ordered, took away, 
 without saying one word, and in a few min- 
 utes after brought him his pipe and tobacco. 
 Stay in the room a little, said my 
 uncle Toby. 
 
 135
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Trim! said my uncle Toby, after he 
 
 lighted his pipe, and smok'd about a dozen 
 whiffs. Trim came in front of his mas- 
 ter, and made his bow; my uncle Toby 
 
 smok'd on, and said no more. Corporal! 
 
 said my uncle Toby the corporal made 
 
 his bow. My uncle Toby proceeded no 
 
 farther, but finished his pipe. 
 
 Trim! said my uncle Toby, I have a 
 project in my head, as it is a bad night, 
 of wrapping myself up warm in my roque- 
 laure, and paying a visit to this poor 
 
 gentleman. Your honour's roquelaure, 
 
 replied the corporal, has not once been had 
 on, since the night before your honour 
 received your wound, when we mounted 
 guard in the trenches before the gate of St 
 
 Nicholas; and besides, it is so cold and 
 
 rainy a night, that what with the roque- 
 laure, and what with the weather, 'twill be 
 enough to give your honour your death, 
 and bring on your honour's torment in your 
 groin. I fear so, replied my uncle Toby; 
 but I am not at rest in my mind, Trim, 
 since the account the landlord has given 
 
 me. 1 wish I had not known so much 
 
 of this affair, added my uncle Toby, or 
 
 136
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 that I had known more of it: How 
 
 shall we manage it ? Leave it, an't please 
 your honour, to me, quoth the corporal; 
 
 I'll take my hat and stick and go to 
 the house and reconnoitre, and act accord- 
 ingly; and I will bring your honour a full 
 account in an hour. -Thou shalt go, Trim, 
 said my uncle Toby, and here's a shilling 
 
 for thee to drink with his servant. 1 
 
 shall get it all out of him, said the cor- 
 poral, shutting the door. 
 
 My uncle Toby filled his second pipe; 
 and had it not been, that he now and then 
 wandered from the point, with considering 
 whether it was not full as well to have the 
 curtain of the tenaille a straight line, as a 
 crooked one, he might be said to have 
 thought of nothing else but poor Le Fever 
 and his boy the whole time he smoked it. 
 
 187
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 THE STORY OF LE FEVER CONTINUED. 
 
 IT was not till my uncle Toby had knocked 
 the ashes out of his third pipe, that cor- 
 poral Trim returned from the inn, and 
 gave him the following account. 
 
 I despaired, at first, said the corporal, of 
 being able to bring back your honour any 
 kind of intelligence concerning the poor sick 
 lieutenant Is he hi the army, then ? said 
 
 my uncle Toby He is, said the corporal 
 
 And in what regiment ? said my uncle 
 
 Toby I'll tell your honour, replied the 
 
 corporal, every thing straight forwards, as 
 I learnt it. Then, Trim, I'll fill another 
 pipe, said my uncle Toby, and not inter- 
 rupt thee till thou hast done; so sit down 
 at thy ease, Trim, in the window-seat, and 
 begin thy story again. The corporal made 
 his old bow, which generally spoke as plain 
 as a bow could speak Your honour is good : 
 And having done that, he sat down, 
 
 138
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 as he was ordered, and begun the story to 
 my uncle Toby over again in pretty near 
 the same words. 
 
 I despaired at first, said the corporal, of 
 being able to bring back any intelligence 
 to your honour, about the lieutenant and 
 his son ; for when I asked where his servant 
 was, from whom I made myself sure of 
 knowing every thing which was proper to 
 be asked, That's a right distinction, Trim, 
 said my uncle Toby I was answered, an' 
 please your honour, that he had no servant 
 with him; that he had come to the inn 
 with hired horses, which, upon finding him- 
 self unable to proceed (to join, I suppose, 
 the regiment), he had dismissed the morn- 
 ing after he came. --If I get better, my 
 dear, said he, as he gave his purse to his 
 son to pay the man, we can hire horses 
 from hence. But alas! the poor gentle- 
 man will never get from hence, said the 
 landlady to me, for I heard the death^ 
 
 watch all night long ; and when he dies, 
 
 the youth, his son, will certainly die with 
 him; for he is broken-hearted already. 
 
 I was hearing this account, continued the 
 corporal, when the youth came into the 
 
 139
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 kitchen, to order the thin toast the landlord 
 
 spoke of; but I will do it for my father 
 
 myself, said the youth. Pray let me save 
 
 you the trouble, young gentleman, said I, 
 taking up a fork for the purpose, and 
 offering him my chair to sit down upon by 
 
 the fire, whilst I did it. 1 believe, Sir, 
 
 said he, very modestly, I can please him 
 best myself. 1 am sure, said I, his hon- 
 our will not like the toast the worse for 
 
 being toasted by an old soldier. The 
 
 youth took hold of my hand, and instantly 
 
 burst into tears. Poor youth, said my 
 
 uncle Toby, he has been bred up from 
 an infant in the army, and the name of 
 a soldier, Trim, sounded in his ears like 
 the name of a friend ; I wish I had him 
 here. 
 
 1 never, in the longest march, said 
 
 the corporal, had so great a mind to my 
 dinner, as I had to cry with him for com- 
 pany: What could be the matter with me, 
 an' please your honour? Nothing in the 
 world, Trim, said my uncle Toby, blowing 
 his nose, but that thou art a good-natured 
 fellow. 
 
 When I gave him the toast, continued 
 
 140
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 the corporal, I thought it was proper to 
 tell him I was captain Shandy's servant, 
 and that your honour (though a stranger) 
 was extremely concerned for his father; 
 and that if there was any thing in your 
 
 house or cellar (And thou might 'st have 
 
 added my purse too, said my uncle Toby) 
 
 he was heartily welcome to it: He 
 
 made a very low bow (which was meant to 
 your honour), but no answer, for his heart 
 was full so he went up stairs with the 
 toast; I warrant you, my dear, said 1, as 
 I opened the kitchen- door, your father will 
 
 be well again. Mr Yorick's curate was 
 
 smoaking a pipe by the kitchen fire, but 
 said not a word good or bad to comfort the 
 
 youth. 1 thought it wrong; added the 
 
 corporal 1 think so too, said my uncle 
 
 Toby. 
 
 When the lieutenant had taken his glass 
 of sack and toast, he felt himself a little 
 revived, and sent down into the kitchen, 
 to let me know, that in about ten minutes 
 he should be glad if I would step up stairs. 
 I believe, said the landlord, he is going 
 to say his prayers, for there was a book 
 laid upon the chair by his bed-side, and as 
 
 HI
 
 I shut the door, I saw his son take up a 
 
 cushion. 
 
 I thought, said the curate, that you 
 gentlemen of the army, Mr Trim, never 
 
 said your prayers at all. 1 heard the poor 
 
 gentleman say his prayers last night, said 
 the landlady, very devoutly, and with my 
 own ears, or I could not have believed it. 
 
 Are you sure of it ? replied the curate. 
 
 A soldier, an* please your reverence, 
 
 said I, prays as often (of his own accord) 
 
 as a parson; and when he is fighting for 
 
 his king, and for his own life, and for his 
 honour too, he has the most reason to 
 pray to God of any one in the whole 
 
 world 'Twas well said of thee, Trim, 
 
 said my uncle Toby. But when a soldier, 
 
 said I, an' please your reverence, has been 
 standing for twelve hours together in the 
 trenches, up to his knees in cold water, or 
 engaged, said I, for months together in long 
 and dangerous marches ; harassed, perhaps, 
 in his rear to-day; harassing others to-mor- 
 row;- detached here; countermanded there; 
 resting this night out upon his arms; 
 beat up in his shirt the next; benumbed 
 in his joints; perhaps without straw in his 
 us
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 tent to kneel on; must say his prayers 
 how and when he can, I believe, said I, 
 for I was piqued, quoth the corporal, for 
 the reputation of the army, I believe, an' 
 please your reverence, said I, that when a 
 soldier gets time to pray, he prays as 
 heartily as a parson, though not with all 
 
 his fuss and hypocrisy. Thou shouldst 
 
 not have said that, Trim, said my uncle 
 Toby, for God only knows who is a hypo- 
 crite, and who is not: At the great and 
 
 general review of us all, corporal, at the 
 day of judgment (and not till then) it will 
 be seen who has done their duties in this 
 world, and who has not; and we shall be 
 
 advanced, Trim, accordingly. 1 hope we 
 
 shall, said Trim. It is in the Scripture, 
 said my uncle Toby; and I will shew it 
 thee to-morrow: In the mean time we 
 may depend upon it, Trim, for our comfort, 
 said my uncle Toby, that God Almighty is 
 so good and just a governor of the world, 
 that if we have but done our duties in it, it 
 will never be enquired into, whether we have 
 
 done them in a red coat or a black one: 
 
 I hope not, said the corporal But go on, 
 Trim, said my uncle Toby, with thy story. 
 
 143
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 When I went up, continued the corporal, 
 into the lieutenant's room, which I did not 
 do till the expiration of the ten minutes, 
 he was lying in his bed with his head raised 
 upon his hand, with his elbow upon the pil- 
 low, and a clean white cambrick handker- 
 chief beside it: The youth was just stoop- 
 ing down to take up the cushion, upon 
 which I supposed he had been kneeling, 
 the book was laid upon the bed, and as 
 he rose, in taking up the cushion with one 
 hand, he reached out his other to take it 
 
 away at the same time. Let it remain 
 
 there, my dear, said the lieutenant. 
 
 He did not offer to speak to me, till I 
 had walked up close to his bed-side : If 
 you are captain Shandy's servant, said he, 
 you must present my thanks to your mas- 
 ter, with my little boy's thanks along with 
 them, for his courtesy to me; if he was 
 of Leven's said the lieutenant. I told him 
 your honour was Then, said he, I served 
 three campaigns with him in Flanders, and 
 remember him, but 'tis most likely, as I 
 had not the honour of any acquaintance 
 with him, that he knows nothing of me. 
 You will tell him, however, that the 
 
 144
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 person his good-nature has laid under obli- 
 gations to him, is one Le Fever, a lieuten- 
 ant in Angus' 's but he knows me not, 
 
 said he, a second time, musing; possibly 
 
 he may my story added he pray tell the 
 captain, I was the ensign at Breda, whose 
 wife was most unfortunately killed with a 
 musket-shot, as she lay in my arms in my 
 tent. I remember the story, an't please 
 your honour, said I, very well. Do you 
 so ? said he, wiping his eyes with his hand- 
 kerchief, then well may I. In saying this, 
 he drew a little ring out of his bosom, 
 which seemed tied with a black ribband 
 about his neck, and kiss'd it twice Here, 
 Billy, said he, the boy flew across the 
 room to the bed-side, and falling down 
 upon his knee, took the ring in his hand, 
 and kissed it too, then kissed his father, 
 and sat down upon the bed and wept. 
 
 I wish, said my uncle Toby, with a deep 
 sigh, 1 wish, Trim, I was asleep. 
 
 Your honour, replied the corporal, is too 
 much concerned; shall I pour your honour 
 
 out a glass of sack to your pipe? Do, 
 
 Trim, said my uncle Toby. 
 
 1 remember, said my uncle Toby, sighing 
 
 145
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 again, the story of the ensign and his 
 with a circumstance his modesty omitted; 
 and particularly well that he, as well as she, 
 upon some account or other (I forget what) 
 was universally pitied by the whole regi- 
 ment; but finish the story thou art upon: 
 -^'Tis finished already, said the corporal, 
 for I could stay no longer, so wished his 
 honour a good night; young Le Fever rose 
 from off the bed, and saw me to the bot- 
 tom of the stairs; and as we went down 
 together, told me, they had come from 
 Ireland, and were on their route to join 
 
 the regiment in Flanders. But alas! said 
 
 the corporal, the lieutenant's last day's 
 march is over. Then what is to become of 
 his poor boy? cried my uncle Toby. 
 
 146
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 THE STORY OF LE FEVER CONTINUED. 
 
 IT was to my uncle Toby's eternal hon- 
 our, though I tell it only for the 
 sake of those, who, when coop'd in 
 betwixt a natural and a positive law, know 
 not, for their souls, which way in the world 
 
 to turn themselves That notwithstanding 
 
 my uncle Toby was warmly engaged at that 
 time in carrying on the siege of Dender- 
 mond, parallel with the allies, who pressed 
 theirs on so vigorously, that they scarce 
 
 allowed him time to get his dinner that 
 
 nevertheless he gave up Dendermond, though 
 he had already made a lodgment upon the 
 counterscarp; and bent his whole thoughts 
 towards the private distresses at the inn; 
 and, except that he ordered the garden gate 
 to be bolted up, by which he might be said 
 to have turned the siege of Dendermond 
 into a blockade, he left Dendermond to 
 itself, to be relieved or not by the French 
 
 w
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 king, as the French king thought good ; and 
 only considered how he himself should relieve 
 the poor lieutenant and his son. 
 
 That kind BEING, who is a friend to 
 the friendless, shall recompence thee for 
 this. 
 
 Thou hast left this matter short, said my 
 uncle Toby to the corporal, as he was putting 
 
 him to bed, and I will tell thee in what, 
 
 Trim. In the first place, when thou mad- 
 
 est an offer of my services to Le Fever, 
 as sickness and travelling are both expensive, 
 and thou knowest he was but a poor lieu- 
 tenant, with a son to subsist as well as him- 
 self, out of his pay, that thou didst not 
 make an offer to him of my purse; because, 
 had he stood in need, thou knowest, Trim, 
 he had been as welcome to it as myself. 
 Your honour knows, said the corporal, 
 I had no orders; -True, quoth my uncle 
 Toby, thou didst very right, Trim, as a 
 soldier, but certainly very wrong as a 
 man. 
 
 In the second place, for which, indeed, 
 thou hast the same excuse, continued my 
 
 uncle Toby, when thou offeredst him 
 
 whatever was in my house, thou shouldst 
 
 148
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 have offered him my house, too: A sick 
 
 brother officer should have the best quarters, 
 Trim, and if we had him with us, we could 
 tend and look to him : Thou art an excel- 
 lent nurse thyself, Trim, and what with thy 
 care of him, and the old woman's, and his 
 boy's, and mine together, we might recruit 
 him again at once, and set him upon his 
 
 legs. 
 
 In a fortnight or three weeks, added 
 
 my uncle Toby, smiling, he might march. 
 
 He will never march an' please your 
 
 honour, in this world, said the corporal : 
 He will march, said my uncle Toby, rising up 
 from the side of the bed, with one shoe off: 
 
 An' please your honour, said the cor- 
 poral, he will never march but to his grave: 
 
 He shall march, cried my uncle Toby, 
 marching the foot which had a shoe on, 
 though without advancing an inch, he shall 
 march to his regiment. He cannot stand 
 it, said the corporal ; He shall be sup- 
 ported, said my uncle Toby; He'll drop 
 at last, said the corporal, and what will be- 
 come of his boy ? He shall not drop, 
 said my uncle Toby, firmly. - - A-well- 
 o'day, do what we can for him, said Trim, 
 
 149
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 maintaining his point, the poor soul will 
 
 die: He shall not die, by G , cried my 
 
 uncle Toby. 
 
 The ACCUSING SPIRIT, which flew up to 
 heaven's chancery with the oath, blush'd as 
 he gave it in; and the RECORDING ANGEL, 
 as he wrote it down, dropp'd a tear upon 
 the word, and blotted it out for ever. 
 
 M 
 
 Y uncle Toby went to his bureau, 
 -put his purse into his breech- 
 es pocket, and having ordered 
 the corporal to go early in the morning for 
 a physician, he went to bed, and fell 
 asleep. 
 
 150
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 THE STORY OF LE FEVER CONTINUED. 
 
 THE sun looked bright the morning 
 after, to every eye hi the village but 
 Le Fever* s and his afflicted son's; 
 the hand of death press 'd heavy upon his 
 
 eye-lids, and hardly could the wheel at 
 
 the cistern turn round its circle, when my 
 uncle Toby, who had rose up an hour be- 
 fore his wonted time, entered the lieuten- 
 ant's room, and without preface or apology, 
 sat himself down upon the chair by the bed- 
 side, and, independently of all modes and cus- 
 toms, opened the curtain in the manner an 
 old friend and brother officer would have 
 done it, and asked him how he did, how he 
 had rested in the night, what was his com- 
 plaint, where was his pain, and what he 
 
 could do to help him : and without giving 
 
 him time to answer any one of the enquir- 
 ies, went on and told him of the little 
 plan which he had been concerting with 
 the corporal the night before for him.
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 You shall go home directly, Le Fever, 
 
 said my uncle Toby, to my house, and 
 we'll send for a doctor to see what's the 
 matter, and we'll have an apothecary, 
 and the corporal shall be your nurse; 
 and I'll be your servant, Le Fever. 
 
 There was a frankness in my uncle Toby, 
 not the effect of familiarity, but the 
 cause of it, which let you at once into his 
 soul, and shewed you the goodness of his 
 nature; to this, there was something in his 
 looks, and voice, and manner, superadded, 
 which eternally beckoned to the unfortunate 
 to come and take shelter under him ; so that 
 before my uncle Toby had half finished the 
 kind offers he was making to the father, 
 had the son insensibly pressed up close to 
 his knees, and had taken hold of the breast 
 of his coat, and was pulling it towards 
 
 him. The blood and spirits of Le Fever, 
 
 which were waxing cold and slow within 
 him, and were retreating to their last cita- 
 del, the heart, rallied back, the film for- 
 sook his eyes for a moment, he looked up 
 wishfully in my uncle Toby's face, then cast 
 
 a look upon his boy, and that ligament, 
 
 line as it was, was never broken.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Nature instantly ebb'd again, the film 
 
 returned to its place, the pulse fluttered 
 
 stopp'd went on throbb'd 
 
 stopp'd again moved stopp'd shall 
 
 I go on ? No. 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 
 I AM so impatient to return to my own 
 story, that what remains of young Le 
 Fever's, that is, from this turn of his 
 fortune, to the time my uncle Toby recom- 
 mended him for my preceptor, shall be told 
 in a very few words, in the next chapter. 
 All that is necessary to be added to this 
 chapter is as follows. 
 
 That my uncle Toby, with young Le 
 Fever in his hand, attended the poor lieu- 
 tenant, as chief mourners, to his grave. 
 
 That the governor of Dendermond paid his 
 obsequies all military honours, and that 
 Yorick, not to be behind-hand paid him all 
 ecclesiastic for he buried him in his chan- 
 cel: And it appears likewise, he preached 
 
 153
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 A funeral sermon over him I say it 
 appears, for it was Yorick's custom, which 
 I suppose a general one with those of his 
 profession, on the first leaf of every sermon 
 which he composed, to chronicle down the 
 time, the place, and the occasion of its be- 
 ing preached: to this, he was ever wont to 
 add some short comment or stricture upon 
 the sermon itself, seldom, indeed, much to 
 its credit: For instance, This sermon upon 
 the Jewish dispensation / don't like it at all; 
 Though I own there is a world of WATER- 
 LANDISH knowledge in it,-^-but 'tis all triticat, 
 
 and most tritically put together. This is 
 
 but a flimsy kind of a composition ; what was 
 in my head when I made it ? 
 
 N. B. The excellency of this text is, 
 
 that it will Suit any sermon, ^and of this ser- 
 mon, that it will suit any text. 
 
 ~*For this sermon I shall be hanged, 
 for I have stolen the greatest part of it. Doc- 
 tor Paidagunes found me out. KiT Set a 
 
 thief to catch a thief 
 
 On the back of half a dozen I find writ- 
 ten, So> so, and no more- -and upon a 
 couple Moderato; by which, as far as any 
 one may gather from Altieri's Italian dic- 
 
 154
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 tionary, but mostly from the authority of 
 a piece of green whipcord, which seemed to 
 have been the unravelling of Yorick's whip- 
 lash, with which he has left us the two ser- 
 mons marked Moderate, and the half dozen 
 of So, so, tied fast together in one bundle 
 by themselves, one may safely suppose he 
 meant pretty near the same thing. 
 
 There is but one difficulty in the way of 
 this conjecture, which is this, that the mod- 
 erato's are five times better than the so, 
 so 's; show ten times more knowledge of 
 the human heart ; have seventy times 
 more wit and spirit in them ; (and, to rise 
 properly in my climax) discovered a thou- 
 sand times more genius ; and to crown all, 
 are infinitely more entertaining than those 
 tied up with them ; for which reason, 
 whene'er Yorick's dramatic sermons are of- 
 fered to the world, though I shall admit 
 but one out of the whole number of the 
 so, so's, I shall, nevertheless, adventure to 
 print the two moderators without any sort 
 of scruple. 
 
 What Yorick could mean by the words 
 lentamente, tenute, grave, and sometimes 
 adagio, as applied to theological composi- 
 
 155
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 tions, and with which he has characterised 
 some of these sermons, I dare not venture 
 to guess. I am more puzzled still upon 
 finding a V octavo, alia! upon one ; Con 
 strepito upon the back of another ; - 
 Siciliana upon a third ; - -Alia capella 
 upon a fourth ; Con Varco upon this ; 
 
 Senza Varco upon that. All I know 
 
 is, that they are musical terms, and have a 
 
 meaning; and as he was a musical man, 
 
 I will make no doubt, but that by some 
 quaint application of such metaphors to the 
 compositions in hand, they impressed very 
 distinct ideas of their several characters 
 upon his fancy, whatever they may do 
 upon that of others. 
 
 Amongst these, there is that particular 
 sermon which has unaccountably led me 
 
 into this digression The funeral sermon 
 
 upon poor Le Fever, wrote out very fairly, 
 as if from a hasty copy. I take notice of 
 it the more, because it seems to have been 
 his favourite composition It is upon mor- 
 tality; and is tied length- ways and cross- 
 ways with a yarn thrum, and then rolled 
 up and twisted round with a half-sheet of 
 dirty blue paper, which seems to have been 
 
 156
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 once the cast cover of a general review, 
 which to this day smells horribly of horse 
 drugs. Whether these marks of humili- 
 ation were designed, I something doubt ; 
 
 because at the end of the sermon (and 
 
 not at the beginning of it) very different 
 from his way of treating the rest, he had 
 wrote 
 
 Bravo ! 
 
 Though not very offensively, for 
 
 it is at two inches, at least, and a half s 
 distance from, and below the concluding 
 line of the sermon, at the very extremity 
 of the page, and in that right hand corner 
 of it, which, you know, is generally covered 
 with your thumb ; and, to do it justice, it 
 is wrote besides with a crow's quill so 
 faintly in a small Italian hand, as scarce 
 to solicit the eye towards the place, whether 
 your thumb is there or not, so that from 
 the manner of it, it stands half excused ; 
 and being wrote moreover with very pale 
 ink, diluted almost to nothing, 'tis more 
 like a ritratto of the shadow of vanity, 
 than of VANITY herself of the two; resem- 
 bling rather a faint thought of transient 
 
 157
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 applause, secretly stirring up in the heart 
 of the composer, than a gross mark of it, 
 coarsely obtruded upon the world. 
 
 With all these extenuations, I am aware, 
 that in publishing this, I do no service to 
 Yorick's character as a modest man ; but 
 all men have their failings 1 and what les- 
 sens this still farther, and almost wipes it 
 away, is this ; that the word was struck 
 through sometime afterwards (as appears 
 from a different tint of the ink) with a line 
 quite across it in this manner, BRAVO - 
 as if he had retracted, or was ashamed of 
 the opinion he had once entertained of it. 
 
 These short characters of his sermons were 
 always written, excepting in this one in- 
 stance, upon the first leaf of his sermon, 
 which served as a cover to it ; and usually 
 upon the inside of it, which was turned 
 towards the text ; but at the end of his 
 discourse, where, perhaps, he had five or six 
 pages, and sometimes, perhaps, a whole score 
 to turn himself in, he took a large circuit, 
 and, indeed, a much more mettlesome one ; 
 as if he had snatched the occasion of unlac- 
 ing himself with a few more frolicksome 
 strokes at vice, than the straitness of the 
 
 158
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 pulpit allowed. These, though hussar- like, 
 they skirmish lightly and out of all order, 
 are still auxiliaries on the side of virtue ; 
 tell me then, Mynheer Yander Bloneder- 
 dondergewdenstronke, why they should not 
 be printed together ? 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 WHEN my uncle Toby had turned 
 every thing into money, and settled 
 all accounts betwixt the agent of 
 the regiment and Le Fever, and betwixt 
 Le Fever and all mankind, there re- 
 mained nothing more in my uncle Toby's 
 hands, than an old regimental coat and a 
 sword ; so that my uncle Toby found little 
 or no opposition from the world in taking 
 administration. The coat my uncle Toby 
 gave the corporal ; -Wear it, Trim, said 
 my uncle Toby, as long as it will hold to- 
 gether, for the sake of the poor lieutenant 
 And this, said my uncle Toby, tak- 
 ing up the sword in his hand, and drawing 
 
 159
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 it out of the scabbard as he spoke and 
 
 this, Le Fever, I'll save for thee, 'tis all 
 the fortune, continued my uncle Toby, 
 hanging it up upon a crook, and pointing 
 to it, 'tis all the fortune, my dear Le Fever, 
 which God has left thee ; but if he has 
 given thee a heart to fight thy way with 
 it in the world, and thou doest it like a 
 man of honour, 'tis enough for us. 
 
 As soon as my uncle Toby had laid a 
 foundation, and taught him to inscribe a 
 regular polygon in a circle, he sent him to 
 a public school, where, excepting Whitsun- 
 tide and Christmas, at which times the cor- 
 poral was punctually dispatched for him, 
 he remained to the spring of the year, sev- 
 enteen; when the stories of the emperor's 
 sending his army into Hungary against the 
 Turks, kindling a spark of fire in his bosom, 
 he left his Greek and Latin without leave, 
 and throwing himself upon his knees before 
 my uncle Toby, begged his father's sword, 
 and my uncle Tobys leave along with it, 
 to go and try his fortune under Eugene. 
 Twice did my uncle Toby forget his wound, 
 and cry out, Le Fever ! I will go with thee, 
 and thou shalt fight beside me - - And 
 
 160
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 twice he laid his hand upon his groin, and 
 hung down his head in sorrow and discon- 
 solation. 
 
 My uncle Toby took down the sword from 
 the crook, where it had hung untouched 
 ever since the lieutenant's death, and deliv- 
 ered it to the corporal to brighten up; 
 
 and having detained Le Fever a single fort- 
 night to equip him, and contract for his 
 passage to Leghorn, he put the sword into 
 
 his hand. If thou art brave, Le Fever t 
 
 said my uncle Toby, this will not fail thee, 
 but Fortune, said he (musing a little), 
 
 Fortune may And if she does, 
 
 added my uncle Toby, embracing him, come 
 back again to me, Le Fever, and we will 
 shape thee another course. 
 
 The greatest injury could not have op- 
 pressed the heart of Le Fever more than 
 
 my uncle Toby's paternal kindness ; he 
 
 parted from my uncle Toby, as the best of 
 sons from the best of fathers - both 
 
 dropped tears and as my uncle Toby 
 
 gave him his last kiss, he slipped sixty 
 guineas, tied up in an old purse of his 
 father's, in which was his mother's ring, 
 into his hand, and bid God bless him. 
 
 161
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 LE FEVER got up to the Imperial army 
 just time enough to try what metal 
 his sword was made of, at the defeat 
 of the Turks before Belgrade; but a series 
 of unmerited mischances had pursued him 
 from that moment, and trod close upon his 
 heels for four years together after: he had 
 withstood these buffetings to the last, till 
 sickness overtook him at Marseilles, from 
 whence he wrote my uncle Toby word, he 
 had lost his time, his services, his health, 
 
 and, in short, every thing but his sword ; 
 
 and was waiting for the first ship to return 
 back to him. 
 
 As this letter came to hand about six 
 weeks before Susannah's accident, Le Fever 
 was hourly expected; and was uppermost in 
 my uncle Toby's mind all the time my father 
 was giving him and Yorick a description of 
 what kind of a person he would chuse for a 
 preceptor to me: but as my uncle Toby 
 thought my father at first somewhat fanciful 
 
 162
 
 in the accomplishments he required, he fore- 
 bore mentioning Le Fever's name, till 
 
 the character, by Yorick's interposition, end- 
 ing unexpectedly, in one, who should be 
 gentle-tempered, and generous, and good, it 
 impressed the image of Le Fever, and his 
 interest upon my uncle Toby so forcibly, he 
 rose instantly off his chair; and laying down 
 his pipe, in order to take hold of both my 
 father's hands - I beg, brother Shandy, 
 said my uncle Toby, I may recommend poor 
 
 Le Fever's son to you 1 beseech you, 
 
 do, added Yorick He has a good heart, 
 
 said my uncle Toby And a brave one 
 
 too, an' please your honour, said the cor- 
 poral. 
 
 -The best hearts, Trim, are ever the 
 
 bravest, replied my uncle Toby. And 
 
 the greatest cowards, an' please your hon- 
 our, in our regiment, were the greatest ras- 
 cals in it. There was serjeant Kumber, 
 
 and ensign 
 
 -We'll talk of them, said my father, 
 another time. 
 
 163
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 WHAT a jovial and a merry world 
 would this be, may it please your 
 worships, but for that inextricable 
 labyrinth of debts, cares, woes, want, grief, 
 discontent, melanchoty, large jointures, im- 
 positions, and lies! 
 
 Doctor Slop, like a son of a w - , as 
 my father called him for it, to exalt him- 
 self, debased me to death, and made ten 
 thousand times more of Susannah's accident, 
 than there was any grounds for; so that in 
 a week's time, or less, it was in every body's 
 mouth, That poor Master Shandy * 
 
 ********* 
 
 entirely. And FAME, who loves to double 
 every thing, in three days more, had sworn 
 positively she saw it, and all the world, as 
 usual, gave credit to her evidence "That 
 the nursery window had not only * * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * */V * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * . 
 
 hilt that * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 
 UUL LIlclL 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * * * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 'c also " 
 
 
 
 
 164
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Could the world have been sued like a 
 BODY-CORPORATE, my father had brought 
 an action upon the case, and trounced it 
 sufficiently; but to fall foul of individuals 
 about it as every soul who had men- 
 tioned the affair, did it with the greatest 
 
 pity imaginable; 'twas like flying in the 
 
 very face of his best friends: And yet to 
 
 acquiesce under the report, in silence was 
 to acknowledge it openly, at least in the 
 opinion of one half of the world ; and to 
 make a bustle again, in contradicting it, 
 was to confirm it as strongly in the opinion 
 
 of the other half. 
 
 -Was ever poor devil of a country 
 gentleman so hampered ? said my father. 
 
 I would shew him publickly, said my 
 uncle Toby, at the market cross. 
 
 'Twill have no effect, said my father. 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 I'll put him, however, into breeches, 
 
 said my father, let the world say what it 
 will. 
 
 165
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 are a thousand resolutions, Sir, 
 JL both in church and state, as well as in 
 matters, Madam, of a more private 
 concern; which, though they have carried 
 all the appearance in the world of being 
 taken, and entered upon in a hasty, hare- 
 brained, and unadvised manner, were, not- 
 withstanding this, (and could you or I have 
 got into the cabinet, or stood behind the 
 curtain, we should have found it was so) 
 
 weighed, poized, and perpended argued 
 
 upon canvassed through entered into, 
 
 and examined on all sides with so much 
 coolness, that the GODDESS of COOLNESS her- 
 self (I do not take upon me to prove her 
 existence) could neither have wished it, or 
 done it better. 
 
 Of the number of these was my father's 
 resolution of putting me into breeches ; 
 which, though determined at once, in a 
 kind of huff, and a defiance of all mankind, 
 had, nevertheless, been pro'd and conned, 
 
 166
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 and judicially talked over betwixt him and 
 my mother about a month before, in two 
 several beds of justice, which my father had 
 held for that purpose. I shall explain the 
 nature of these beds of justice in my next 
 chapter; and in the chapter following that, 
 you shall step with me, Madam, behind the 
 curtain, only to hear in what kind of man- 
 ner my father and my mother debated be- 
 tween themselves, this affair of the breeches, 
 from which you may form an idea, how 
 they debated all lesser matters. 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 THE ancient Goths of Germany, who (the 
 learned Cluverius is positive) were first 
 seated in the country between the Fis- 
 tula and the Oder, and who afterwards in- 
 corporated the Her culi, the Bugians, and 
 some other Vandallick clans to 'em, had all 
 of them a wise custom of debating every 
 thing of importance to their state, twice; 
 that is, once drunk, and once sober: 
 
 167
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Drunk that their councils might not want 
 vigour; - and sober that they might not 
 want discretion. 
 
 Now my father being entirely a water- 
 drinker, was a long time gravelled almost 
 to death, in turning this as much to his ad- 
 vantage, as he did every other thing, which 
 the ancients did or said; and it was not till 
 the seventh year of his marriage, after a 
 thousand fruitless experiments and devices, 
 that he hit upon an expedient which an- 
 swered the purpose; - and that was, when 
 any difficult and momentous point was to 
 be settled in the family, which required 
 great sobriety, and great spirit too, in its 
 determination, -- he fixed and set apart the 
 first Sunday night in the month, and the 
 Saturday night which immediately preceded 
 it, to argue it over, in bed, with my mother: 
 By which contrivance, if you consider, Sir, 
 
 with yourself, * * * * * 
 
 ********* 
 
 These my father, humourously enough, 
 called his beds of justice; -- for from the 
 
 168
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 two different counsels taken in these two 
 different humours, a middle one was gener- 
 ally found out, which touched the point of 
 wisdom as well, as if he had got drunk and 
 sober a hundred times. 
 
 It must not be made a secret of to the 
 world, that this answers full as well in liter- 
 ary discussions, as either in military or con- 
 jugal; but it is not every author that can 
 try the experiment as the Goths and Vandals 
 
 did it or, if he can, may it be always for 
 
 his body's health; and to do it, as my father 
 did it, am I sure it would be always for 
 his soul's. 
 
 My way is this: 
 
 In all nice and ticklish discussions, (of 
 which, heaven knows, there are but too 
 many in my book) where I find I cannot 
 take a step without the danger of having 
 either their worships or their reverences upon 
 
 my back I write one-half full, and 
 
 t'other fasting; or write it all full, and 
 
 correct it fasting; or write it fasting, 
 
 and correct it full, for they all come to the 
 
 same thing: So that with a less variation 
 
 from my father's plan, than my father's 
 from the Gothick I feel myself upon a 
 
 169
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 par with him in his first bed of justice, 
 and no way inferior to him in his second. 
 -These different and almost irreconcile- 
 able effects, flow uniformly from the wise 
 and wonderful mechanism of nature, of 
 
 which, be her's the honour. All that 
 
 we can do, is to turn and work the machine 
 to the improvement and better manufactory 
 of the arts and sciences. 
 
 Now, when I write full, I write as if I 
 was never to write fasting again as long as 
 I live ; - - that is, I write free from the 
 cares as well as the terrors of the world. 
 
 1 count not the number of my scars, 
 
 nor does my fancy go forth into dark en- 
 tries and bye-corners to antedate my stabs. 
 
 In a word, my pen takes its course; 
 and I write on as much from the fulness 
 of my heart, as my stomach. 
 
 But when, an' please your honours, I in- 
 dite fasting, 'tis a different history. I 
 pay the world all possible attention and re- 
 spect, and have as great a share (whilst it 
 lasts) of that under-strapping virtue of dis- 
 cretion, as the best of you. - - So that 
 betwixt both, I write a careless kind of 
 a civil, nonsensical, good-humoured Shan- 
 no
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 dean book, which will do all your hearts 
 
 good 
 
 And all your heads too, provided 
 
 you understand it. 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 WE should begin, said my father, turn- 
 ing himself half round in bed, and 
 shifting his pillow a little towards 
 
 my mother's, as he opened the debate 
 
 We should begin to think, Mrs Shandy, of 
 putting this boy into breeches. 
 
 We should so, said my mother. We 
 
 defer it, my dear, quoth my father, shame- 
 fully. - 
 
 I think we do, Mr Shandy, said my 
 mother. 
 
 Not but the child looks extremely 
 well, said my father, in his vests and 
 
 tunicks. 
 
 He does look very well in them, 
 replied my mother. 
 
 -And for that reason it would be 
 
 171
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 almost a sin, added my father, to take him 
 out of 'em. 
 
 It would so, said my mother: 
 
 But indeed he is growing a very tall lad, 
 rejoined my father. 
 
 He is very tall for his age, indeed, 
 
 said my mother. 
 
 I can not (making two syllables of it) 
 imagine, quoth my father, who the deuce he 
 takes after. 
 
 I cannot conceive, for my life, said my 
 mother. 
 
 Humph! said my father. 
 
 (The dialogue ceased for a moment.) 
 
 1 am very short myself, continued 
 
 my father gravely. 
 
 You are very short, Mr Shandy, said my 
 mother. 
 
 Humph! quoth my father to himself, a 
 second time: in muttering which, he plucked 
 his pillow a little further from my mother's, 
 and turning about again, there was an end of 
 the debate for three minutes and a half. 
 
 -When he gets these breeches made, 
 cried my father in a higher tone, he'll look 
 like a beast in 'em. 
 
 172
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 He will be very awkward in them at first, 
 replied my mother. 
 
 And 'twill be lucky, if that's the 
 
 worst on't, added my father. 
 
 It will be very lucky, answered my 
 mother. 
 
 I suppose, replied my father, making 
 some pause first, he'll be exactly like 
 other people's children. 
 
 Exactly, said my mother. 
 
 Though I shall be sorry for that, 
 
 added my father: and so the debate stopp'd 
 again. 
 
 -They should be of leather, said my 
 father, turning him about again. 
 
 They will last him, said my mother, the 
 longest. 
 
 But he can have no linings to 'em, replied 
 my father. 
 
 He cannot, said my mother. 
 
 'Twere better to have them of fustian, 
 quoth my father. 
 
 Nothing can be better, quoth my 
 mother. 
 
 Except dimity, replied my father: 
 
 'Tis best of all, replied my mother. 
 
 173
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 One must not give him his death, 
 
 however, interrupted my father. 
 
 By no means, said my mother: and so 
 
 the dialogue stood still again. 
 
 I am resolved, however, quoth my father, 
 breaking silence the fourth time, he shall 
 
 have no pockets in them. 
 
 There is no occasion for any, said 
 my mother. 
 
 I mean in his coat and waistcoat, cried 
 my father. 
 
 1 mean so too, replied my mother. 
 
 Though if he gets a gig or top 
 
 Poor souls! it is a crown and a sceptre to 
 them, they should have where to secure 
 it- 
 
 Order it as you please, Mr Shandy, re- 
 plied my mother. 
 
 But don't you think it right? added 
 my father, pressing the point home to her. 
 
 Perfectly, said my mother, if it pleases 
 
 you, Mr Shandy. 
 
 -There's for you! cried my father, 
 
 losing temper Pleases me! You never 
 
 will distinguish, Mrs Shandy, nor shall I 
 ever teach you to do it, betwixt a point of 
 pleasure and a point of convenience. 
 
 174
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 This was on the Sunday night; and fur- 
 ther this chapter sayeth not. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 AFTER my father had debated the 
 affair of the breeches with my mother, 
 he consulted Albertus Rubenius upon 
 it; and Albertus Rubenius used my father 
 ten times worse in the consultation (if pos- 
 sible) than even my father had used my 
 mother: For as Rubenius had wrote a 
 quarto express, De re Vestiaria Veterum, 
 it was Rubenius's business to have given my 
 father some lights. On the contrary, my 
 father might as well have thought of ex- 
 tracting the seven cardinal virtues out of a 
 long beard, as of extracting a single word 
 out of Rubenius upon the subject. 
 
 Upon every other article of ancient dress, 
 Rubenius was very communicative to my 
 father; gave him a full and satisfactory ac- 
 count of 
 
 175
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 The Toga, or loose gown. 
 The Chlamys. 
 The Ephod. 
 The Tunica, or Jacket. 
 The Synthesis. 
 The Psenula. 
 
 The Lacema, with its Cucullus. 
 The Paludamentum. 
 The Pratexta. 
 
 The Sagum, or soldier's jerkin. 
 The Trabea : of which, according to Sue- 
 tonius, there were three kinds. 
 
 But what are these to the breeches? 
 
 said my father. 
 
 Rubenius threw him down upon the coun- 
 ter all kinds of shoes which had been in 
 
 fashion with the Romans. 
 
 There was, 
 
 The open shoe. 
 The close shoe. 
 The slip shoe. 
 The wooden shoe. 
 The soc. 
 The buskin. 
 
 And The military shoe with hobnails 
 in it, which Juvenal takes 
 notice of. 
 
 176
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 There were, The clogs. 
 
 The pattins. 
 
 The pantoufles. 
 
 The brogues. 
 
 The sandals, with latchets to 
 
 them. 
 There was, The felt shoe. 
 
 The linen shoe. 
 
 The laced shoe. 
 
 The braided shoe. 
 
 The calceus incisus. 
 And The calceus rostratus. 
 Rubenius showed my father how well they 
 all fitted, in what manner they laced on, 
 with what points, straps, thongs, latchets, 
 
 ribbands, jaggs, and ends. 
 
 But I want to be informed about the 
 
 breeches, said my father. 
 
 Albertus Rubenius informed my father that 
 the Romans manufactured stuffs of various 
 fabrics, - - some plain, some striped, 
 others diapered throughout the whole con- 
 texture of the wool, with silk and gold 
 
 That linen did not begin to be in common 
 use, till towards the declension of the em- 
 pire, when the Egyptians coming to settle 
 amongst them, brought it into vogue. 
 
 177
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 That persons of quality and fortune 
 
 distinguished themselves by the fineness and 
 whiteness of their clothes; which colour 
 (next to purple, which was appropriated to 
 the great offices) they most affected, and 
 wore on their birth- days and public rejoic- 
 ings. That it appeared from the best his- 
 torians of those times, that they frequently 
 sent their clothes to the fuller, to be clean 'd 
 and whitened; but that the inferior peo- 
 ple, to avoid that expence, generally wore 
 brown clothes, and of a something coarser 
 texture, till towards the beginning of 
 Augustus's reign, when the slave dressed 
 like his master, and almost every distinction 
 of habiliment was lost, but the Latus 
 Clavus. 
 
 And what was the Latus Clavus ? said 
 my father. 
 
 Rubenius told him, that the point was 
 
 still litigating amongst the learned : 
 
 That Egnatius, Sigonius, Bossius Ticinensis, 
 Bayfius, Budceus, Salmasius, Lipsius, Lazius, 
 Isaac Casaubon, and Joseph Scaliger, all 
 differed from each other, and he from 
 them : That some took it to be the 
 button, some the coat itself, others only 
 
 178
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 the colour of it : That the great Bayfius, 
 in his Wardrobe of the Ancients, chap. 
 12. honestly said, he knew not what it 
 was, whether a tibula, a stud, a button, 
 a loop, a buckle, or clasps and 
 
 keepers. 
 
 My father lost the horse, but not 
 
 the saddle They are hooks and eyes, said 
 
 my father and with hooks and eyes he 
 
 ordered my breeches to be made. 
 
 w 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 E are now going to enter upon a 
 
 new scene of events. 
 
 Leave we then the breeches 
 
 in the taylor's hands, with my father stand- 
 ing over him with his cane, reading him as 
 he sat at work a lecture upon the lotus 
 clavus, and pointing to the precise part of 
 the waistband, where he was determined to 
 
 have it sewed on. 
 
 Leave we my mother (truest of all the 
 Pococurantes of her sex) 1 careless about it, 
 
 179
 
 as about every thing else in the world 
 which concerned her ; that is, indifferent 
 whether it was done this way or that, 
 provided it was but done at all. 
 
 Leave we Slop likewise to the full profits 
 
 of all my dishonours. 
 
 Leave we poor Le Fever to recover, and 
 
 get home from Marseilles as he can. 
 
 And last of all, because the hardest 
 of all- 
 Let us leave, if possible, myself: But 
 'tis impossible, I must go along with you 
 to the end of the work. 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 IF the reader has not a clear conception 
 of the rood and the half of ground 
 which lay at the bottom of my uncle 
 Toby's kitchen-garden, and which was the 
 scene of so many of his delicious hours, 
 the fault is not in me, but in his imagina- 
 tion ; for I am sure I gave him so minute 
 a description, I was almost ashamed of it. 
 
 160
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 When FATE was looking forwards one 
 afternoon, into the great transactions of 
 future times, and recollected for what pur- 
 pose, this little plot, by a decree fast bound 
 down in iron, had been destined, she gave 
 a nod to NATURE, 'twas enough Nature 
 threw half a spade full of her kindliest 
 compost upon it, with just so much clay in 
 it, as to retain the forms of angles and in- 
 dentings, and so little of it too, as not to 
 cling to the spade, and render works of so 
 much glory, nasty in foul weather. 
 
 My uncle Toby came down, as the reader 
 has been informed, with plans along with 
 him, of almost every fortified town in Italy 
 and Flanders; so let the Duke of Marl- 
 borough, or the allies, have set down before 
 what town they pleased, my uncle Toby 
 was prepared for them, 
 
 His way, which was the simplest one in 
 the world, was this; as soon as ever a town 
 was invested (but sooner when the design 
 was known) to take the plan of it (let it 
 be what town it would), and enlarge it 
 upon a scale to the exact size of his bowl- 
 ing-green; upon the surface of which, by 
 means of a large roll of packthread, and a 
 
 181
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 number of small piquets driven into the 
 ground, at the several angles and redans, he 
 transferred the lines from his paper; then 
 taking the profile of the place, with its 
 works, to determine the depths and slopes 
 of the ditches, the talus of the glacis, and 
 the precise height of the several banquets, 
 parapets, &c. he set the corporal to work 
 
 and sweetly went it on: The nature 
 
 of the soil, the nature of the work itself, 
 and above all, the good-nature of my 
 uncle Toby sitting by from morning to 
 night, and chatting kindly with the corporal 
 upon past-done deeds, left LABOUR little else 
 but the ceremony of the name. 
 
 When the place was finished in this 
 manner, and put into a proper posture 
 of defence, it was invested, and my 
 uncle Toby and the corporal began to run 
 
 their first parallel. 1 beg I may not be 
 
 interrupted in my story, by being told, 
 That the first parallel should be at least 
 three hundred toises distant from the main 
 body of the place, and that I have not left 
 
 a single inch for it; for my uncle 
 
 Toby took the liberty of incroaching upon 
 his kitchen-garden, for the sake of enlarging 
 
 189
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 ins works on the bowling-green, and for that 
 reason generally ran his first and second 
 parallels betwixt two rows of his cabbages 
 and his cauliflowers; the conveniences and 
 inconveniences of which will be considered 
 at large in the history of my uncle Toby's 
 and the corporal's campaigns, of which, this 
 I'm now writing is but a sketch, and will 
 be finished, if I conjecture right, in three 
 pages (but there is no guessing) -The 
 campaigns themselves will take up as many 
 books; and therefore I apprehend it would 
 be hanging too great a weight of one kind 
 of matter in so flimsy a performance as 
 this, to rhapsodize them, as I once intended, 
 
 into the body of the work surely they 
 
 had better be printed apart, we'll con- 
 sider the affair so take the following 
 
 sketch of them in the mean time. 
 
 183
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 WHEN the town, with its works, was 
 finished, my uncle Toby and the 
 corporal began to run their first 
 
 parallel not at random, or any how 
 
 but from the same points and distances 
 the allies had begun to run theirs; and 
 regulating their approaches and attacks, by 
 the accounts my uncle Toby received from 
 the daily papers, they went on, during the 
 whole siege, step by step with the allies. 
 
 When the duke of Marlborough made a 
 lodgment, my uncle Toby made a lodg- 
 ment too. And when the face of a 
 
 bastion was battered down, or a defence 
 ruined, the corporal took his mattock 
 
 and did as much, and so on; gaining 
 
 ground, and making themselves masters of 
 the works one after another, till the town 
 fell into their hands. 
 
 To one who took pleasure in the happy 
 state of others, there could not have 
 been a greater sight in the world, than, 
 
 184
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 on a post- morning, in which a practicable 
 breach had been made by the duke of Marl- 
 borough, in the main body of the place, 
 to have stood behind the horn- beam hedge, 
 and observed the spirit with which my 
 uncle Toby, with Trim behind him, sallied 
 
 forth; the one with the Gazette in his 
 
 hand, the other with a spade on his 
 shoulder to execute the contents. -What 
 an honest triumph in my uncle Toby's 
 looks as he marched up to the ramparts! 
 What intense pleasure swimming in his 
 eye as he stood over the corporal, read- 
 ing the paragraph ten times over to him, 
 as he was at work, lest, peradventure, he 
 should make the breach an inch too wide, 
 or leave it an inch too narrow. But 
 when the chamade was beat, and the 
 corporal helped my uncle up it, and fol- 
 lowed with the colours in his hand, to 
 fix them upon the ramparts Heaven ! 
 Earth ! Sea ! but what avails apos- 
 trophes? with all your elements, wet or 
 
 dry, ye never compounded so intoxicating 
 a draught. 
 
 In this track of happiness for many 
 years, without one interruption to it, ex- 
 
 185
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 cept now and then when the wind con- 
 tinued to blow due west for a week or 
 ten days together, which detained the 
 Flanders mail, and kept them so long in 
 torture, but still 'twas the torture of the 
 
 happy In this track, I say, did my 
 
 uncle Toby and Trim move for many 
 years, every year of which, and sometimes 
 every month, from the invention of either 
 the one or the other of them, adding 
 some new conceit or quirk of improve- 
 ment to their operations, which always 
 opened fresh springs of delight in carrying 
 them on. 
 
 The first year's campaign was carried on 
 from beginning to end, in the plain and 
 simple method I've related. 
 
 In the second year, in which my uncle 
 Toby took Liege and Ruremond, he 
 thought he might afford the expence of 
 four handsome draw-bridges, of two of 
 which I have given an exact description, 
 in the former part of my work. 
 
 At the latter end of the same year he 
 added a couple of gates with portcullises: 
 
 These last were converted afterwards 
 
 into orgues, as the better thing; and during 
 
 186
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 the winter of the same year, my uncle 
 Toby, instead of a new suit of clothes, 
 which he always had at Christmas, treated 
 himself with a handsome sentry-box, to 
 stand at the corner of the bowling-green, 
 betwixt which point and the foot of the 
 glacis, there was left a little kind of an 
 esplanade for him and the corporal to confer 
 and hold councils of war upon. 
 
 -The sentry-box was in case of rain. 
 
 All these were painted white three times 
 over the ensuing spring, which enabled my 
 uncle Toby to take the field with great 
 splendour. 
 
 My father would often say to Yorick, 
 that if any mortal in the whole universe 
 had done such a thing, except his brother 
 Toby, it would have been looked upon by 
 the world as one of the most refined satires 
 upon the parade and prancing manner, in 
 which Lewis XIV. from the beginning of 
 the war, but particularly that very year, 
 
 had taken the field But 'tis not my 
 
 brother Toby's nature, kind soul! my father 
 woula add, to insult any one. 
 -But let us go on. 
 
 187
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 I MUST observe, that although in the 
 first year's campaign, the word town 
 is often mentioned, yet there was no 
 town at that time within the potygon; that 
 addition was not made till the summer fol- 
 lowing the spring in which the bridges and 
 sentry-box were painted, which was the third 
 year of my uncle Tobys campaigns, when 
 upon his taking A mberg, Bonn, and Rhinberg, 
 and Huy and Limbourg, one after another, 
 a thought came into the corporal's head, that 
 to talk of taking so many towns, without one 
 TOWN to shew for it, was a very nonsensical 
 way of going to work, and so proposed to 
 my uncle Toby, that they should have a little 
 model of a town built for them, to be run 
 up together of slit deals, and then painted, 
 and clapped within the interior polygon to 
 serve for all. 
 
 My uncle Toby felt the good of the pro- 
 ject instantly, and instantly agreed to it, 
 
 188
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 but with the addition of two singular im- 
 provements, of which he was almost as 
 proud, as if he had been the original in 
 ventor of the project itself. 
 
 The one was, to have the town built ex- 
 actly in the style of those, of which it was 
 
 most likely to be the representative: 
 
 with grated windows, and the gable ends of 
 the houses, facing the streets, &c. &c. as 
 those in Ghent and Bruges and the rest of 
 the towns in Brabant and Flanders. 
 
 The other was, not to have the houses 
 run up together, as the corporal proposed, 
 but to have every house independent, to 
 hook on, or off, so as to form into the plan 
 of whatever town they pleased. This was 
 put directly into hand, and many and many 
 a look of mutual congratulation was ex- 
 changed between my uncle Toby and the 
 corporal, as the carpenter did the work. 
 
 It answered prodigiously the next 
 
 summer the town was a perfect Proteus 
 
 It was Landen, and Trerebach, and Sant- 
 vliet, and Drusen, and Hagenau, and then 
 it was Ostend and Menin, and Aeth and 
 
 Dendermond. 
 
 Surely never did any TOWN act so 
 
 1 89
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 many parts, since Sodom and Gomorrah, as 
 my uncle Toby's town did. 
 
 In the fourth year, my uncle Toby 
 thinking a town looked foolishly without 
 a church, added a very fine one with a 
 
 steeple. Trim was for having bells in 
 
 it; my uncle Toby said, the metal had 
 
 better be cast into cannon. 
 
 This led the way the next campaign for 
 half a dozen brass field-pieces, to be planted 
 three and three on each side of my uncle 
 Toby's sentry-box; and in a short time, 
 these led the way for a train of somewhat 
 larger, and so on (as must always be the 
 case in hobby-horsical affairs) from pieces of 
 half an inch bore, till it came at last to my 
 father's jack boots. 
 
 The next year, which was that in which 
 Lisle was besieged, and at the close of 
 which both Ghent and Bruges fell into our 
 hands, my uncle Toby was sadly put to it 
 
 for proper ammunition ; 1 say proper 
 
 ammunition because his great artillery 
 
 would not bear powder; and 'twas well for 
 
 the Shandy family they would not For 
 
 so full were the papers, from the beginning 
 to the end of the siege, of the incessant 
 
 190
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 firings kept up by the besiegers, and so 
 
 heated was my uncle Toby's imagination 
 with the accounts of them, that he had in- 
 fallibly shot away all his estate. 
 
 SOMETHING therefore was wanting, as a 
 succedaneum, especially in one or two of the 
 more violent paroxysms of the siege, to 
 keep up something like a continual firing in 
 
 the imagination, and this something', the 
 
 corporal, whose principal strength lay in in- 
 vention, supplied by an entire new system 
 of battering of his own, without which, 
 this had been objected to by military critics, 
 to the end of the world, as one of the great 
 desiderata of my uncle Toby's apparatus. 
 
 This will not be explained the worse, for 
 setting off, as I generally do, at a little dis- 
 tance from the subject. 
 
 191
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 WITH two or three other trinkets, 
 small in themselves, but of great 
 regard, which poor Tom, the cor- 
 poral's unfortunate brother, had sent him 
 over, with the account of his marriage with 
 the Jew's widow there was 
 
 A Montero-cap and two Turkish tobacco- 
 pipes. 
 
 The Montero-c&p I shall describe by and 
 
 bye. The Turkish tobacco-pipes had 
 
 nothing: particular in them, they were fitted 
 up and ornamented as usual, with flexible 
 tubes of Morocco leather and gold wire, 
 and mounted at their ends, the one of them 
 with ivory, the other with black ebony, 
 tipp'd with silver. 
 
 My father, who saw all things in lights 
 different from the rest of the world, would 
 say to the corporal, that he ought to look 
 upon these two presents more as tokens of 
 his brother's nicety, than his affection. 
 Tom did not care, Trim, he would say, to 
 
 199
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 put on the cap, or to smoke in the tobacco- 
 pipe of a Jew. God bless your honour, 
 
 the corporal would say, (giving a strong 
 reason to the contrary) how can that be ? 
 
 The Montero-cap was scarlet, of a super- 
 fine Spanish cloth, dyed in grain, and 
 mounted all round with fur, except about 
 four inches in the front, which was faced 
 with a light blue, slightly embroidered, and 
 seemed to have been the property of a 
 Portuguese quartermaster, not of foot, but 
 of horse, as the word denotes. 
 
 The corporal was not a little proud of it, 
 as well for its own sake, as the sake of the 
 giver, so seldom or never put it on but 
 upon GALA-days; and yet never was a 
 Montero-cap put to so many uses; for in 
 all controverted points, whether military or 
 culinary, provided the corporal was sure he 
 was in the right, it was either his oath, 
 his wager, or his gift. 
 
 'Twas his gift in the present case. 
 
 I'll be bound, said the corporal, speaking 
 to himself, to give away my Montero-cap 
 to the first beggar who comes to the door, 
 if I do not manage this matter to his hon- 
 our's satisfaction. 
 
 193
 
 The completion was no further off, than 
 the very next morning; which was that of 
 the storm of the counterscarp betwixt the 
 Lower Deule, to the right, and the gate St 
 Andrew, and on the left, between St 
 Magdalen's and the river. 
 
 As this was the most memorable attack 
 in the whole war, the most gallant and 
 obstinate on both sides, and I must add 
 the most bloody too, for it cost the allies 
 themselves that morning above eleven hun- 
 dred men, my uncle Toby prepared him- 
 self for it with a more than ordinary solem- 
 nity. 
 
 The eve which preceded, as my uncle 
 Toby went to bed, he ordered his ramallie 
 wig, which had laid inside out for many 
 years in the corner of an old campaigning 
 trunk, which stood by his bedside, to be 
 taken out and laid upon the lid of it, ready 
 for the morning; and the very first thing 
 he did in his shirt, when he had stepped 
 out of bed, my uncle Toby, after he had 
 turned the rough side outwards, put it on: 
 -This done, he proceeded next to his 
 breeches, and having buttoned the waist- 
 band, he forthwith buckled on his sword- 
 
 194
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 belt, and had got his sword half way in, 
 when he considered he should want shaving, 
 and that it would be very inconvenient do- 
 ing it with his sword on, so took it off: 
 In assaying to put on his regimental 
 coat and waistcoat, my uncle Toby found 
 the same objection in his wig, so that 
 went off too: So that what with one thing 
 and what with another, as always falls out 
 when a man is in the most haste, 'twas 
 ten o'clock, which was half an hour later 
 than his usual time, before my uncle Toby 
 sallied out. 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 MY uncle Toby had scarce turned the 
 corner of his yew hedge, which 
 separated his kitchen-garden from 
 his bowling-green, when he perceived the 
 corporal had begun the attack without 
 him. 
 
 Let me stop and give you a picture of 
 the corporal's apparatus; and of the corporal 
 
 195
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 himself in the height of his attack, just as it 
 struck my uncle Toby, as he turned towards 
 the sentry-box, where the corporal was at 
 
 work, for in nature there is not such 
 
 another, nor can any combination of all 
 
 that is grotesque and whimsical in her works 
 produce its equal. 
 
 The corporal 
 
 Tread lightly on his ashes, ye men of 
 
 genius, for he was your kinsman: 
 
 Weed his grave clean, ye men of good- 
 ness, for he was your brother. Oh cor- 
 poral! had I thee, but now, now, that I 
 am able to give thee a dinner and protec- 
 tion, how would I cherish thee I thou 
 should'st wear thy Montero-cap every hour 
 of the day, and every day of the week, 
 and when it was worn out, I would pur- 
 chase thee a couple like it : But alas 1 
 
 alas! alas! now that I can do this in spite 
 of their reverences the occasion is lost 
 for thou art gone; thy genius fled up to 
 the stars from whence it came; and that 
 warm heart of thine, with all its generous 
 and open vessels, compressed into a clod of 
 the valley! 
 
 But what what is this, to that 
 
 196
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 future and dreaded page, where I look to- 
 wards the velvet pall, decorated with the 
 military ensigns of thy master the first 
 
 the foremost of created beings; where, 
 
 I shall see thee, faithful servant! laying his 
 swcrd and scabbard with a trembling hand 
 across his coffin, and then returning pale as 
 ashes to the door, to take his mourning 
 horse by the bridle, to follow his hearse, 
 
 as he directed thee ; where all my 
 
 father's systems shall be baffled by his sor- 
 rows; and, in spite of his philosophy, I shall 
 behold him, as he inspects the lackered 
 plate, twice taking his spectacles from off 
 his nose, to wipe away the dew which na- 
 ture has shed upon them When I see 
 
 him cast in the rosemary with an air of 
 disconsolation, which cries through my ears, 
 
 O Toby! in what corner of the world 
 
 shall I seek thy fellow? 
 
 Gracious powers! which erst have 
 opened the lips of the dumb in his dis- 
 tress, and made the tongue of the stam- 
 merer speak plain when I shall arrive at 
 this dreaded page, deal not with me, then, 
 with a stinted hand. 
 
 197
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 corporal, who the night before had 
 JL resolved in his mind to supply the 
 grand desideratum, of keeping up 
 something like an incessant firing upon the 
 enemy during the heat of the attack, had 
 no further idea in his fancy at that time, 
 than a contrivance of smoking tobacco 
 against the town, out of one of my uncle 
 Toby's six field-pieces, which were planted 
 on each side of his sentry-box; the means 
 of effecting which occurring to his fancy at 
 the same time, though he had pledged his 
 cap, he thought it in no danger from the 
 miscarriage of his projects. 
 
 Upon turning it this way, and that, a 
 little in his mind, he soon began to find 
 out, that by means of his two Turkish 
 tobacco-pipes, with the supplement of three 
 smaller tubes of wash-leather at each of 
 their lower ends, to be tagg'd by the same 
 number of tin-pipes fitted to the touch- 
 
 ids
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 holes, and sealed with clay next the can- 
 non, and then tied hermetically with waxed 
 silk at their several insertions into the Mo- 
 rocco tube, he should be able to fire the 
 six field- pieces all together, and with the 
 
 same ease as to fire one. 
 
 Let no man say from what taggs and 
 jaggs hints may not be cut out for the ad- 
 vancement of human knowledge. Let no 
 man who has read my father's first and 
 second beds of justice, ever rise up and say 
 again, from collision of what kinds of bodies, 
 light may or may not be struck out, to carry 
 
 the arts and sciences up to perfection. 
 
 Heaven I thou knowest how I love them; 
 
 thou knowest the secrets of my heart, 
 
 and that I would this moment give my 
 shirt -Thou art a fool, Shandy, says 
 Eugenius, for thou hast but a dozen in 
 the world, and 'twill break thy set. 
 
 No matter for that, Eugenius ; I would 
 give the shirt off my back to be burned 
 into tinder, were it only to satisfy one 
 feverish enquirer, how many sparks at one 
 good stroke, a good flint and steel could 
 strike into the tail of it. -Think ye not 
 that in striking these in, he might, per- 
 
 199
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 adventure, strike something out? as sure as 
 
 a gun. 
 
 But this project, by the bye. 
 
 The corporal sat up the best part of the 
 night in bringing his to perfection; and hav- 
 ing made a sufficient proof of his cannon, 
 with charging them to the top with tobac- 
 co, he went with contentment to bed. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 t~ I ^HE corporal had slipped out about ten 
 A minutes before my uncle Toby, in or- 
 der to fix his apparatus, and just give 
 the enemy a shot or two before my uncle 
 Toby came. 
 
 He had drawn the six field- pieces for this 
 end, all close up together in front of my 
 uncle Toby's sentry-box, leaving only an in- 
 terval of about a yard and a half betwixt 
 the three, on the right and left, for the 
 convenience of charging, &c. and the sake 
 possibly of two batteries, which he might 
 think double the honour of one. 
 
 200
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 In the rear, and 'facing this opening, witn 
 his back to the door of the sentry-box, for 
 fear of being flanked, had the corporal wisely 
 taken his post: He held the ivory pipe, 
 appertaining to the battery on the right, 
 betwixt the finger and thumb of his right 
 hand, and the ebony pipe tipp'd with sil- 
 ver, which appertained to the battery on the 
 left, betwixt the finger and thumb of the 
 
 other and with his right knee fixed firm 
 
 upon the ground, as if in the front rank of 
 his platoon, was the corporal, with his Mon- 
 tero-cap upon his head, furiously playing off 
 his two cross batteries at the same time 
 against the counter-guard, which faced the 
 counterscarp, where the attack was to be 
 made that morning. His first intention, as 
 I said, was no more than giving the enemy 
 a single puff or two; but the pleasure of 
 the puffs, as well as the puffing, had in- 
 sensibly got hold of the corporal, and drawn 
 him on from puff to puff, into the very 
 height of the attack, by the time my uncle 
 Toby joined him. 
 
 'Twas well for my father, that my uncle 
 Toby had not his will to make that day. 
 
 201
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 MY uncle Toby took the ivory pipe out 
 of the corporal's hand, looked at it 
 for half a minute, and returned it. 
 
 In less than two minutes, my uncle Toby 
 took the pipe from the corporal again, and 
 
 raised it half way to his mouth then 
 
 hastily gave it back a second time. 
 
 The corporal redoubled the attack, my 
 
 uncle Toby smiled, then looked grave, 
 
 then smiled for a moment, then 
 
 looked serious for a long time; Give me 
 
 hold of the ivory pipe, Trim, said my uncle 
 
 Toby my uncle Toby put it to his lips, 
 
 drew it back directly, gave a peep 
 
 over the horn- beam hedge; never did my 
 
 uncle Toby's mouth water so much for a 
 pipe in his life. My uncle Toby retired 
 into the sentry-box with the pipe in his 
 
 hand. 
 
 Dear uncle Toby! don't go into the 
 
 sentry-box with the pipe, there's no trusting 
 a man's self with such a thing in such a 
 eorner. 
 
 202
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 I BEG the reader will assist me here, to 
 wheel off my uncle Toby's ordnance 
 behind the scenes, to remove his 
 sentry-box, and clear the theatre, if possible, 
 of horn-works and half moons, and get the 
 rest of his military apparatus out of the 
 
 way; that done, my dear friend Grarrick, 
 
 we'll snuff the candles bright, sweep the 
 stage with a new broom, draw up the cur- 
 tain, and exhibit my uncle Toby dressed in a 
 new character, throughout which the world 
 can have no idea how he will act: and yet, 
 if pity be a- kin to love, and bravery no 
 alien to it, you have seen enough of my 
 uncle Toby in these, to trace these family 
 likenesses, betwixt the two passions (in case 
 there is one) to your heart's content. 
 
 Vain science 1 thou assistest us in no case 
 of this kind and thou puzzlest us in every 
 one. 
 
 There was, Madam, in my uncle Toby, a 
 singleness of heart which misled him so far 
 out of the little serpentine tracks in which 
 
 203
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 things of this nature usually go on; you 
 can you can have no conception of it : 
 with this, there was a plainness and sim- 
 plicity of thinking, with such an unmistrust- 
 ing ignorance of the plies and foldings of 
 
 the heart of woman; and so naked and 
 
 defenceless did he stand before you, (when 
 a siege was out of his head) that you might 
 have stood behind any one of your serpen- 
 tine walks, and shot my uncle Toby ten 
 times in a day, through his liver, if nine 
 times in a day, Madam, had not served 
 your purpose. 
 
 With all this, Madam, and what con- 
 founded every thing as much on the other 
 hand, my uncle Toby had that unparalleled 
 modesty of nature I once told you of, and 
 which, by the bye, stood eternal sentry upon 
 his feelings, that you might as soon But 
 where am I going ? these reflections crowd 
 in upon me ten pages at least too soon, 
 and take up that time, which I ought to 
 bestow upon facts. 
 
 204
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHAND V 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 OF the few legitimate sons of Adam, 
 whose breasts never felt what the 
 sting of love was, (maintaining first, 
 all mysogynists to be bastards) the greatest 
 heroes of ancient and modern story have 
 carried off amongst them, nine parts in ten 
 of the honour; and I wish for their sakes I 
 had the key of my study out of my draw- 
 well, only for five minutes, to tell you their 
 names recollect them I cannot so be con- 
 tent to accept of these, for the present, in 
 
 their stead. 
 
 There was the great king Aldrovandus, 
 and Bosphorus, and Cappadocius, and Dar- 
 dcuius, and Pontus, and Asius, to say 
 nothing of the iron- hearted Charles the 
 Xllth, whom the Countess of K***** her- 
 self could make nothing of. There was 
 
 Babylonicus, and Mediterraneus, and Police- 
 enes, and Persicus, and Prusicus, not one of 
 whom (except Cappadocius and Pontus, who 
 were both a little suspected) ever once 
 
 2Q5
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 bowed down his breast to the goddess 
 
 The truth is, they had all of them some- 
 thing else to do and so had my uncle 
 Toby till Fate till Fate I say, envying 
 his name the glory of being handed down 
 to posterity with Aldrovandus' 's and the 
 rest, she basely patched up the peace of 
 Utrecht. 
 
 Believe me, Sirs, 'twas the worst 
 
 deed she did that year. 
 
 CH AFTER XXXI. 
 
 AMONGST the many ill consequences 
 of the treaty of Utrecht, it was within 
 a point of giving my uncle Toby a 
 surfeit of sieges; and though he recovered 
 his appetite afterwards, yet Calais itself left 
 not a deeper scar in Mary's heart, than 
 Utrecht upon my uncle Toby's. To the 
 end of his life he never could hear Utrecht 
 mentioned upon any account whatever, or 
 so much as read an article of news ex- 
 tracted out of the Utrecht Gazette, without 
 
 206
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 fetching a sigh, as if his heart would break 
 in twain. 
 
 My father, who was a great MOTIVE- 
 MONGER, and consequently a very dangerous 
 person for a man to sit by, either laughing 
 or crying, for he generally knew your mo- 
 tive for doing both, much better than you 
 knew it yourself would always console my 
 uncle Toby upon these occasions, in a way, 
 which shewed plainly, he imagined my uncle 
 Toby grieved for nothing in the whole affair, 
 
 so much as the loss of his hobby-horse. 
 
 Never mind, brother Toby, he would say, 
 by God's blessing we shall have another war 
 break out again some of these days; and 
 when it does, the belligerent powers, if 
 they would hang themselves, cannot keep 
 us out of play. - - 1 defy 'em, my dear 
 Toby, he would add, to take countries 
 without taking towns, or towns with- 
 out sieges. 
 
 My uncle Toby never took this back- 
 stroke of my father's at his hobby-horse 
 kindly. -He thought the stroke ungener- 
 ous; and the more so, because in striking 
 the horse, he hit the rider too, and in the 
 most dishonourable part a blow could fall; 
 
 207
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 so that upon these occasions, he always laid 
 down his pipe upon the table with more 
 fire to defend himself than common. 
 
 I told the reader, this time two years, 
 that my uncle Toby was not eloquent; and 
 in the very same page gave an instance to 
 
 the contrary: 1 repeat the observation, 
 
 and a fact which contradicts it again. He 
 was not eloquent, it was not easy to my 
 uncle Toby to make long harangues, and 
 he hated florid ones; but there were occa- 
 sions where the stream overflowed the man, 
 and ran so counter to its usual course, that 
 in some parts my uncle Toby, for a time, 
 
 was at least equal to Tertullus but in 
 
 others, in my own opinion, infinitely above 
 him. 
 
 My father was so highly pleased with one 
 of these apologetical orations of my uncle 
 Toby's, which he had delivered one even- 
 ing before him and Yorick, that he wrote 
 it down before he went to bed. 
 
 I have had the good fortune to meet 
 with it amongst my father's papers, with 
 here and there an insertion of his own, 
 betwixt two crooks, thus [ ], and is 
 endorsed, 
 
 208
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 MY BROTHER TOBY'S JUSTIFICATION OF HIS 
 OWN PRINCIPLES AND CONDUCT IN WISH- 
 ING TO CONTINUE THE WAR. 
 
 I may safely say, I have read over this 
 apologetical oration of my uncle Toby's a 
 hundred times, and think it so fine a model 
 of defence, and shews so sweet a tempera- 
 ment of gallantry and good principles in 
 him, that I give it the world, word for 
 word (interlineations and all), as I find it. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 MY UNCLE TOBY'S APOLOGETICAL ORATION. 
 
 I AM not insensible, brother Shandy, that 
 when a man, whose profession is arms, 
 wishes, as I have done, for war, it 
 
 has an ill aspect to the world; and that, 
 
 how just and right soever his motives and 
 intentions may be, he stands in an uneasy 
 posture in vindicating himself from private 
 views in doing it. 
 
 209
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 For this cause, if a soldier is a prudent 
 man, which he may be, without being a jot 
 the less brave, he will be sure not to utter 
 his wish in the hearing of an enemy; for 
 say what he will, an enemy will not believe 
 him. - - He will be cautious of doing it 
 even to a friend, lest he may suffer in his 
 
 esteem: But if his heart is overcharged, 
 
 and a secret sigh for arms must have its 
 vent, he will reserve it for the ear of a 
 brother, who knows his character to the 
 bottom, and what his true notions, disposi- 
 tions, and principles of honour are: What, 
 I hope, I have been in all these, brother 
 Shandy, would be unbecoming in me to 
 
 say: much worse, I know, have I been 
 
 than I ought, and something worse, per- 
 haps, than I think: But such as I am, you, 
 my dear brother Shandy, who have sucked 
 the same breasts with me, and with whom 
 I have been brought up from my cradle, 
 and from whose knowledge, from the first 
 hours of our boyish pastimes, down to this, 
 I have concealed no one action of my life, 
 
 and scarce a thought in it Such as I 
 
 am, brother, you must by this time know 
 me, with all my vices and with all my 
 
 210
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 weaknesses too, whether of my age, my 
 temper, my passions, or my understanding. 
 
 Tell me then, my dear brother Shandy, 
 upon which of them it is, that when I con- 
 demned the peace of Utrecht, and grieved 
 the war was not carried on with vigour a 
 little longer, you should think your brother 
 did it upon unworthy views; or that in 
 wishing for war, he should be bad enough 
 to wish more of his fellow- creatures slain, 
 more slaves made, and more families driven 
 from their peaceful habitations, merely for his 
 
 own pleasure: Tell me, brother Shandy, 
 
 upon what one deed of mine do you ground 
 it? [The devil a deed do I know of, dear 
 Toby, but one for a hundred pounds, which 
 I lent thee to carry on these cursed sieges .] 
 
 If, when I was a school-boy, I could not 
 hear a drum beat, but my heart beat with 
 it was it my fault ? - - Did I plant the 
 propensity there? Did I sound the alarm 
 within, or Nature? 
 
 When Guy, Earl of Warwick, and Parismus 
 and Parismenus, and Valentine and Orson, and 
 the Seven Champions of England were handed 
 around the school, were they not all pur- 
 chased with my own pocket-money? Was 
 
 211
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 that selfish, brother Shandy? When we read 
 over the siege of Troy, which lasted ten 
 
 years and eight months, though with 
 
 such a train of artillery as we had at 
 Namur, the town might have been carried 
 in a week was I not as much concerned 
 for the destruction of the Greeks and Tro- 
 jans as any boy of the whole school? Had 
 I not three strokes of a ferula given me, 
 two on my right hand, and one on my left, 
 for calling Helena a bitch for it ? Did any 
 one of you shed more tears for Hector ? 
 And when king Priam came to the camp 
 to beg his body, and returned weeping back 
 to Troy without it, you know, brother, I 
 
 could not eat my dinner. 
 
 Did that bespeak me cruel ? Or be- 
 cause, brother Shandy, my blood flew out 
 into the camp, and my heart panted for 
 war, was it a proof it could not ache for 
 the distresses of war too? 
 
 O brother! 'tis one thing for a soldier to 
 gather laurels, and 'tis another to scatter 
 cypress. [ WTio told thee, my dear Toby, 
 that cypress was used by the antients on 
 mournful occasions?] 
 
 -'Tis one thing, brother Shandy, for a 
 
 212
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 soldier to hazard his own life to leap first 
 down into the trench, where he is sure to 
 
 be cut in pieces: 'Tis one thing, from 
 
 public spirit and a thirst of glory, to enter 
 the breach the first man, To stand in the 
 foremost rank, and march bravely on with 
 drums and trumpets, and colours flying 
 
 about his ears: 'Tis one thing, I say, 
 
 brother Shandy, to do this, and 'tis another 
 thing to reflect on the miseries of war; to 
 view the desolations of whole countries, and 
 consider the intolerable fatigues and hard- 
 ships which the soldier himself, the instru- 
 ment who works them, is forced (for six- 
 pence a day, if he can get it) to undergo. 
 
 Need I be told, dear Yorick, as I was by 
 you, in Le Fever's funeral sermon, That so 
 soft and gentle a creature, born to love, to 
 mercy, and kindness, as man is, was not 
 shaped for this? -But why did you not 
 add, Yorick, if not by NATURE that he is 
 
 so by NECESSITY? For what is war? what 
 
 is it, Yorick, when fought as ours has been, 
 upon principles of liberty, and upon prin- 
 ciples of honour what is it, but the get- 
 ting together of quiet and harmless people, 
 with their swords in their hands, to keep 
 
 213
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 the ambitious and the turbulent within 
 bounds ? And heaven is my witness, 
 brother Shandy, that the pleasure I have 
 taken in these things, and that infinite 
 delight, in particular, which has attended 
 my sieges in my bowling-green, has arose 
 within me, and I hope in the corporal too, 
 from the consciousness we both had, that in 
 carrying them on, we were answering the 
 great ends of our creation. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 I TOLD the Christian reader -I say 
 Christian hoping he is one and 
 
 if he is not, I am sorry for it and 
 
 only beg he will consider the matter with 
 himself, and not lay the blame entirely upon 
 
 this book 
 
 I told him, Sir for in good truth, when 
 
 a man is telling a story in the strange way 
 I do mine, he is obliged continually to be 
 going backwards and forwards to keep all 
 tight together in the reader's fancy 
 
 214
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 which, for my own part, if I did not take 
 heed to do more than at first, there is so 
 much unfixed and equivocal matter starting 
 up, with so many breaks and gaps in it, 
 and so little service do the stars afford, 
 which, nevertheless, I hang up in some of 
 the darkest passages, knowing that the world 
 is apt to lose its way, with all the lights 
 the sun itself at noon-day can give it 
 and now you see, I am lost myself! 
 
 But 'tis my father's fault; and when- 
 ever my brains come to be dissected, you 
 will perceive, without spectacles, that he has 
 left a large uneven thread, as you sometimes 
 see in an unsaleable piece of cambrick, run- 
 ning along the whole length of the web, 
 and so untowardly, you cannot so much as 
 cut out a * *, (here I hang up a couple of 
 lights again) or a fillet, or a thumb- stall, 
 but it is seen or felt. 
 
 Quanta id diligentius in liberis procreandis 
 cavendum, sayeth Cardan. All which being 
 considered, and that you see 'tis morally 
 impracticable for me to wind this round to 
 where I set out 
 
 I begin the chapter over again. 
 
 SIS
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIV. 
 
 I TOLD the Christian reader in the be- 
 ginning of the chapter which preceded 
 my uncle Toby's apologetical oration, 
 though in a different trope from what I 
 should make use of now, That the peace of 
 Utrecht was within an ace of creating the 
 same shyness betwixt my uncle Toby and 
 his hobby-horse, as it did betwixt the queen 
 and the rest of the confederating powers. 
 
 There is an indignant way in which a 
 man sometimes dismounts his horse, which 
 as good as says to him, "I'll go afoot, Sir, 
 all the days of my life, before I would ride 
 a single mile upon your back again." Now 
 my uncle Toby could not be said to dis- 
 mount his horse in this manner; for in 
 strictness of language, he could not be said 
 
 to dismount his horse at all his horse 
 
 rather flung him and somewhat viciously, 
 
 which made my uncle Toby take it ten 
 times more unkindly. Let this matter be 
 settled by state-jockies as they like. It 
 created, I say, a sort of shyness betwixt 
 
 216
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 my uncle Toby and his hobby-horse. - He 
 had no occasion for him from the month of 
 March to November, which was the summer 
 after the articles were signed, except it was 
 now and then to take a short ride out, just 
 to see that the fortifications and harbour of 
 Dunkirk were demolished, according to stipu- 
 lation. 
 
 The French were so backwards all that 
 summer in setting about that affair, and 
 Monsieur Tugghe, the Deputy from the 
 magistrates of Dunkirk, presented so many 
 affecting petitions to the queen, beseeching 
 her majesty to cause only her thunder- bolts 
 to fall upon the martial works, which might 
 have incurred her displeasure, but to spare 
 to spare the mole, for the mole's sake; 
 which, in its naked situation, could be no 
 more than an object of pity - and the 
 queen (who was but a woman) being of a 
 pitiful disposition, and her ministers also, 
 they not wishing in their hearts to have the 
 town dismantled, for these private reasons, * 
 ********* 
 
 ******** 
 ********* 
 
 217
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 * * *; so that the whole went heavily 
 on with my uncle Toby; insomuch, that it 
 was not within three full months, after he 
 and the corporal had constructed the town, 
 and put it in a condition to be destroyed, 
 that the several commandants, commissaries, 
 deputies, negociators, and intendants, would 
 permit him to set about it. Fatal inter- 
 val of inactivity! 
 
 The corporal was for beginning the de- 
 molition, by making a breach in the ram- 
 parts, or main fortifications of the town- 
 No, that will never do, corporal, said my 
 uncle Toby, for in going that way to work 
 with the town, the English garrison will not 
 be safe in it an hour; because if the French 
 are treacherous -They are as treacherous 
 as devils, an' please your honour, said the 
 
 corporal It gives me concern always 
 
 when I hear it, Trim, said my uncle Toby, 
 for they don't want personal bravery; and 
 if a breach is made in the ramparts, they 
 may enter it, and make themselves masters 
 
 of the place when they please: Let them 
 
 enter it, said the corporal, lifting up his 
 pioneer's spade in both his hands, as if he 
 was going to lay about him with it, let 
 
 218
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 them enter, an' please your honour, if they 
 
 dare. In cases like this, corporal, said 
 
 my uncle Toby, slipping his right hand 
 down to the middle of his cane, and hold- 
 ing it afterwards truncheon-wise, with his 
 
 fore-finger extended, 'tis no part of the 
 
 consideration of a commandant, what the 
 enemy dare, or what they dare not do; he 
 must act with prudence. We will begin 
 with the outworks both towards the sea 
 and the land, and particularly with fort 
 Louis, the most distant of them all, and 
 demolish it first, and the rest, one by one, 
 both on our right and left, as we retreat 
 
 towards the town; then we'll demolish 
 
 the mole, next fill up the harbour, then 
 retire into the citadel, and blow it up into 
 the air; and having done that, corporal, 
 we'll embark for England. - - We are 
 there, quoth the corporal, recollecting him- 
 self Very true, said my uncle Toby 
 looking at the church. 
 
 919
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXXV. 
 
 A DELUSIVE, delicious consultation or 
 two of this kind, betwixt my uncle 
 Toby and Trim, upon the demolition 
 of Dunkirk, for a moment rallied back the 
 ideas of those pleasures, which were slipping 
 
 from under him: still still all went on 
 
 heavily the magic left the mind the 
 
 weaker STILLNESS, with SILENCE at her 
 back, entered the solitary parlour, and drew 
 their gauzy mantle over my uncle Toby's 
 
 head; and LISTLESSNESS, with her lax 
 
 fibre and undirected eye, sat quietly down 
 
 beside him in his arm-chair. No longer 
 
 Amber g, and Rhinberg, and Limbourg, and 
 Huy, and Bonn, in one year, and the 
 prospect of Landen, and Trerebach, and 
 Drusen, and Dendermond, the next, hur- 
 ried on the blood: No longer did saps, and 
 mines, and blinds, and gabions, and palisa- 
 does, keep out this fair enemy of man's re- 
 pose: No more could my uncle Toby, 
 
 after passing the French lines, as he eat his 
 
 220
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 egg at supper, from thence break into the 
 heart of France, cross over the Oyes, and 
 with all Picardie open behind him, march 
 up to the gates of Paris, and fall asleep 
 
 with nothing but ideas of glory: No 
 
 more was he to dream, he had fixed the 
 royal standard upon the tower of the Sas- 
 tile, and awake with it streaming in his 
 head. 
 
 Softer visions, gentler vibrations 
 
 stole sweetly in upon his slumbers; the 
 trumpet of war fell out of his hands, he 
 took up the lute, sweet instrument! of all 
 others the most delicate! the most difficult! 
 
 how wilt thou touch it, my dear uncle 
 
 Toby ? 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVI. 
 
 NOW, because I have once or twice 
 said, in my inconsiderate way of 
 talking, That I was confident the 
 following memoirs of my uncle Toby's 
 courtship of widow Wadman, whenever I 
 got time to write them, would turn out 
 
 221
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 one of the most complete systems, both of 
 the elementary and practical part of love 
 and love-making, that ever was addressed 
 
 to the world are you to imagine from 
 
 thence, that I shall set out with a descrip- 
 tion of what love is ? whether part God and 
 part Devil, as Plotinus will have it 
 
 Or by a more critical equation, and 
 
 supposing the whole of love to be as ten 
 
 to determine with Fidnus, "How many 
 
 parts of it the one, and how many the 
 other;" or whether it is all of it one great 
 Devil, from head to tail, as Plato has taken 
 upon him to pronounce; concerning which 
 conceit of his, I shall not offer my opinion: 
 but my opinion of Plato is this; that he 
 appears, from this instance, to have been a 
 man of much the same temper and way of 
 reasoning with doctor Baynyard, who being 
 a great enemy to blisters, as imagining that 
 half a dozen of 'em at once, would draw a 
 man as surely to his grave, as a herse and 
 six rashly concluded, that the Devil him- 
 self was nothing in the world, but one great 
 bouncing Canthari[di\s. 
 
 I have nothing to say to people who 
 allow themselves this monstrous liberty in 
 
 222
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 arguing, but what Nazianzen cried out (that 
 is polemically) to Philagrius - 
 
 O rare! 'Us fine reasoning, Sir, 
 indeed! "cm <i\oo-o<et<? cV HdOeai" and most 
 nobly do you aim at truth, when you philos- 
 ophize about it in your moods and passions. 
 
 Nor is it to be imagined, for the same 
 reason, I should stop to inquire, whether 
 love is a disease, - or embroil myself with 
 Rhasis and Dioscorides, whether the seat of 
 it is in the brain or liver ; because this 
 would lead me on, to an examination of 
 the two very opposite manners, in which 
 patients have been treated - the one, of 
 Acetius, who always begun with a cooling 
 clyster of hempseed and bruised cucumbers; 
 and followed on with thin potations of 
 water-lillies and purslane to which he added 
 a pinch of snuff, of the herb Hanea; and 
 where Acetius durst venture it, his topaz- 
 ring. 
 
 -The other, that of Gordonius, who (in 
 his cap. 15. de Amore) directs they should be 
 thrashed, " ad put or em usque," till they 
 stink again. 
 
 These are disquisitions, which my father, 
 who had laid in a great stock of knowledge 
 
 223
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 of this kind, will be very busy with, in the 
 progress of my uncle Toby's affairs: I must 
 anticipate thus much, That from his theories 
 of love, (with which, by the way, he con- 
 trived to crucify my uncle Toby's mind, 
 almost as much as his amours themselves) 
 he took a single step into practice; and by 
 means of a camphorated cerecloth, which he 
 found means to impose upon the taylor for 
 buckram, whilst he was making my uncle 
 Toby a new pah* of breeches, he produced 
 Gordonius's effect upon my uncle Toby 
 without the disgrace. 
 
 What changes this produced, will be read 
 in its proper place: all that is needful to be 
 added to the anecdote, is this That what- 
 ever effect it had upon my uncle Toby, 
 
 it had a vile effect upon the house; and 
 
 if my uncle Toby had not smoaked it down 
 as he did, it might have had a vile effect 
 upon my father too. 
 
 224
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVII. 
 
 
 come out of itself by and 
 bye. - All I contend for is, 
 that I am not obliged to set 
 out with a definition of what love is; and 
 so long as I can go on with my story in- 
 telligibly, with the help of the word itself, 
 without any other idea to it, than what I 
 have hi common with the rest of the world, 
 why should I differ from it a moment be- 
 fore the time? - When I can get on no 
 further, - and find myself entangled on all 
 sides of this mystic labyrinth, my Opinion 
 will then come in, in course, and lead me 
 out. 
 
 At present, I hope I shall be sufficiently 
 understood, in telling the reader, my uncle 
 Toby fell in love : 
 
 Not that the phrase is at all to my 
 liking: for to say a man is fallen in love, 
 or that he is deeply in love, or up to the 
 ears in love, and sometimes even over head 
 and ears in it, carries an idiomatical kind 
 
 225
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 of implication, that love is a thing below a 
 man: this is recurring again to Plato's 
 opinion, which, with all his divinityship, I 
 hold to be damnable and heretical; and so 
 much for that. 
 
 Let love therefore be what it will, my 
 uncle Toby fell into it. 
 
 And possibly, gentle reader, with such 
 
 a temptation so wouldst thou: For never 
 did thy eyes behold, or thy concupiscence 
 covet any thing in this world, more concu- 
 piscible than widow Wadman. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVIII. 
 
 TO conceive this right, call for pen and 
 ink here's paper ready to your hand. 
 
 Sit down, Sir, paint her to your 
 
 own mind as like your mistress as you 
 
 can as unlike your wife as your con- 
 science will let you 'tis all one to me 
 
 please but your own fancy in it. 
 
 926
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Was ever any thing in Nature so 
 
 sweet! so exquisite! 
 
 Then, dear Sir, how could my uncle 
 
 Toby resist it ? 
 
 Thrice happy book! thou wilt have one 
 page, at least, within thy covers, which 
 MALICE will not blacken, and which IGNO- 
 RANCE cannot misrepresent. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIX. 
 
 AS Susannah was informed by an express 
 from Mrs Bridget, of my uncle Toby's 
 falling in love with her mistress fifteen 
 days before it happened, the contents of 
 which express, Susannah communicated to 
 my mother the next day, it has just given 
 me an opportunity of entering upon my 
 uncle Toby's amours a fortnight before their 
 existence. 
 
 I have an article of news to tell you, Mr 
 Shandy, quoth my mother, which will sur- 
 prise you greatly. 
 
 198
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Now my father was then holding one of 
 his second beds of justice, and was musing 
 within himself about the hardships of matri- 
 mony, as my mother broke silence. 
 
 " My brother Toby, quoth she, is go- 
 ing to be married to Mrs Wadman." 
 
 -Then he will never, quoth my father, 
 be able to lie diagonally in his bed again as 
 long as he lives. 
 
 It was a consuming vexation to my father, 
 that my mother never asked the meaning of 
 a thing she did not understand. 
 
 That she is not a woman of science, 
 my father would say is her misfortune 
 but she might ask a question. 
 
 My mother never did. In short, she 
 
 went out of the world at last without 
 knowing whether it turned round, or stood 
 
 still. My father had officiously told her 
 
 above a thousand times which way it was, 
 but she always forgot. 
 
 For these reasons, a discourse seldom went 
 on much further betwixt them, than a 
 proposition, a reply, and a rejoinder; at 
 the end of which, it generally took breath 
 for a few minutes (as in the affair of the 
 breeches), and then went on again. 
 
 229
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 If he marries, 'twill be the worse for us, 
 quoth my mother. 
 
 Not a cherry-stone, said my father, he 
 may as well batter away his means upon 
 that, as any thing else. 
 
 To be sure, said my mother: so here 
 
 ended the proposition, the reply, and the 
 rejoinder, I told you of. 
 
 It will be some amusement to him, too, 
 said my father. 
 
 A very great one, answered my mother, if 
 he should have children. 
 
 Lord have mercy upon me, said my 
 
 father to himself * * 
 
 ######**# 
 
 ********* 
 ********* 
 ******** 
 
 CHAPTER XL. 
 
 I AM now beginning to get fairly into 
 my work; and by the help of a vege- 
 table diet, with a few of the cold 
 seeds, I make no doubt but I shall be able 
 
 830
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 to go on with my uncle Toby's story, and 
 my own, in a tolerable strait line. Now, 
 
 These were the four lines I moved in 
 through my first, second, third, and fourth 
 
 volumes.* In the fifth volume I have 
 
 been very good, the precise line I have 
 described in it being this: 
 
 By which it appears, that except at the 
 
 * Alluding to the first edition. 
 
 231
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 curve, marked A, where I took a trip to 
 Navarre, and the indented curve B, which 
 is the short airing when I was there with 
 the Lady Baussiere and her page, I have 
 not taken the least frisk of a digression, till 
 John de la C assess devils led me the round 
 you see marked D, for as for c c c c c they 
 are nothing but parentheses, and the com- 
 mon ins and outs incident to the lives of 
 the greatest ministers of state; and when 
 compared with what men have done, or 
 with my own transgressions at the letters A 
 B D they vanish into nothing. 
 
 In this last volume I have done better 
 still for from the end of Le Fever's epi- 
 sode, to the beginning of my uncle Toby's 
 campaigns, I have scarce stepped a yard 
 out of my way. 
 
 If I mend at this rate, it is not impossi- 
 ble by the good leave of his grace of 
 
 Benevento's devils but I may arrive here- 
 after at the excellency of going on even 
 thus ; 
 
 which is a line drawn as straight as I could 
 draw it, by a writing-master's ruler (bor-
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 rowed for that purpose), turning neither to 
 the right hand or to the left. 
 
 This right line, the path-way for Chris- 
 tians to walk in! say divines 
 
 The emblem of moral rectitude! says 
 
 Cicero 
 
 The best line! say cabbage planters 
 
 is the shortest line, says Archimedes, 
 
 which can be drawn from one given point 
 to another. 
 
 I wish your ladyships would lay this 
 matter to heart, in your next birth-day 
 suits ! 
 
 What a journey 1 
 
 Pray can you tell me, that is, without 
 anger, before I write my chapter upon 
 
 straight lines by what mistake who 
 
 told them so or how it has come to 
 
 pass, that your men of wit and genius have 
 all along confounded this line, with the line 
 
 Of GRAVITATION ? 
 
 ass
 
 ) \)\\\\ 

 
 The Widow W adman and Uncle Toby
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, 
 
 GENTLEMAN. 
 
 Non enim excursus hie ejus, sed opus ipsum est. 
 
 PUN. Lib. quintus Epistola sexta.
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENT. 
 BOOK VII. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 NO 1 think, I said, I would write two 
 volumes every year, provided the vile 
 cough which then tormented me, and 
 which to this hour I dread worse than the 
 devil, would but give me leave and in an- 
 other place (but where, I can't recollect 
 now) speaking of my book as a machine, and 
 laying my pen and ruler down cross- wise 
 upon the table, in order to gain the greater 
 credit to it I swore it should be kept 
 a going at that rate these forty years, if it
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 pleased but the fountain of life to bless me 
 so long with health and good spirits.. 
 
 Now as for my spirits, little have I to lay 
 to their charge nay so very little (unless 
 the mounting me upon a long stick, and 
 playing the fool with me nineteen hours out 
 of the twenty-four, be accusations) that on 
 the contrary, I have much much to thank 
 'em for: cheerily have ye made me tread 
 the path of life with all the burthens of it 
 (except its cares) upon my back; in no one 
 moment of my existence, that I remember, 
 have ye once deserted me, or tinged the 
 objects which came in my way, either with 
 sable, or with a sickly green; in dangers ye 
 gilded my horizon with hope, and when 
 DEATH himself knocked at my door ye 
 bad him come again; and in so gay a tone 
 of careless indifference, did ye do it, that he 
 doubted of his commission 
 
 " There must certainly be some mistake 
 in this matter," quoth he. 
 
 Now there is nothing in this world I 
 abominate worse, than to be interrupted in 
 
 a story and I was that moment telling 
 
 Eagenius a most tawdry one in my way, of 
 a nun who fancied herself a shell- fish, and
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 of a monk damn'd for eating a muscle, and 
 was shewing him the grounds and justice of 
 the procedure 
 
 " Did ever so grave a personage get 
 into so vile a scrape?" quoth Death. Thou 
 hast had a narrow escape, Tristram, said 
 Eugenius, taking hold of my hand as I 
 finished my story 
 
 But there is no living, Eugenius, replied 
 I, at this rate; for as this son of a whore 
 has found out my lodgings 
 
 You call him rightly, said Eugenius, 
 for by sin, we are told, he enter 'd the 
 
 world 1 care not which way he enter 'd, 
 
 quoth I, provided he be not in such a hurry 
 to take me out with him for 1 have forty 
 volumes to write, and forty thousand things 
 to say and do, which no body in the world 
 will say and do for me, except thyself; and 
 as thou seest he has got me by the throat 
 (for Eugenius could scarce hear me speak 
 across the table), and that I am no match 
 for him in the open field, had I not better, 
 whilst these few scatter 'd spirits remain, and 
 these two spider legs of mine (holding one 
 of them up to him) are able to support me 
 had I not better, Eugenius, fly for my
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 life? 'Tis my advice, my dear Tristram, 
 ss^id Eugenius Then by heaven! I will lead 
 
 him a dance he little thinks of for I will 
 
 gallop, quoth I, without looking once behind 
 me, to the banks of the Garonne; and if 
 
 I hear him clattering at my heels I'll 
 
 scamper away to mount Vesuvius from 
 
 thence to Joppa, and from Joppa to the 
 world's end ; where, if he follows me, I 
 
 pray God he may break his neck 
 
 He runs more risk there., said Eugenius, 
 than thou. 
 
 Eugenius' s wit and affection brought blood 
 into the cheek from whence it had been some 
 
 months banish 'd 'twas a vile moment to 
 
 bid adieu in; he led me to my chaise 
 Allans! said I; the postboy gave a crack 
 
 with his whip off I went like a cannon, 
 
 and in half a dozen bounds got into Dover.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 NOW hang it! quoth I, as I look'd to- 
 wards the French coast a man should 
 know something of his own country 
 
 too, before he goes abroad and I never 
 
 gave a peep into Rochester church, or took 
 notice of the dock of Chatham, or visited 
 St Thomas at Canterbury, though they all 
 
 three laid in my way 
 
 But mine, indeed, is a particular 
 case- 
 So without arguing the matter further 
 with Thomas o' Becket, or any one else I 
 skip'd into the boat, and in five minutes we 
 got under sail, and scudded away like the 
 wind. 
 
 Pray, captain, quoth I, as I was going 
 down into the cabin, is a man never over- 
 taken by Death in this passage ? 
 
 Why, there is not time for a man to be 
 
 sick in it, replied he -What a cursed lyar! 
 
 for I am sick as a horse, quoth I, already 
 
 what a brain! upside down! hey-
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 day! the cells are broke loose one into an- 
 other, and the blood, and the lymph, and 
 the nervous juices, with the fix'd and vola- 
 tile salts, are all jumbled into one mass- 
 good G ! every thing turns round in it 
 
 like a thousand whirlpools I'd give a 
 
 shilling to know if I shan't write the clearer 
 for it 
 
 Sick! sick! sick! sick! 
 
 When shall we get to land? captain 
 
 they have hearts like stones O I am 
 
 deadly sick! reach me that thing, boy 
 
 'tis the most discomfiting sickness 1 
 
 wish I was at the bottom Madam! how is 
 
 it with you? Undone! undone! un O! 
 
 undone! sir What the first time? No, 
 
 'tis the second, third, sixth, tenth time, sir, 
 
 hey-day! what a trampling over head! 
 
 hollo! cabin boy! what's the matter? 
 
 The wind chopp'd about! s'Death! then 
 I shall meet him full in the face. 
 
 What luck! 'tis chopp'd about again, 
 master O the devil chop it 
 
 Captain, quoth she, for heaven's sake, let 
 us get ashore. 
 
 10
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 IT is a great inconvenience to a man in a 
 haste, that there are three distinct roads 
 between Calais and Paris, in behalf of 
 which there is so much to be said by the 
 several deputies from the towns which lie 
 along them, that half a day is easily lost in 
 settling which you'll take. 
 
 First, the road by Lisle and Arras, which 
 
 is the most about but most interesting, 
 
 and instructing. 
 
 The second that by Amiens, which you 
 may go, if you would see Chantilly 
 
 And that by Beauvais, which you may go, 
 if you will. 
 
 For this reason a great many chuse to go 
 by Beauvais. 
 
 11
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 NOW before I quit Calais,"" a travel- 
 writer would say, "it would not be 
 amiss to give some account of it." 
 Now I think it very much amiss that a 
 man cannot go quietly through a town, and 
 let it alone, when it does not meddle with 
 him, but that he must be turning about and 
 drawing his pen at every kennel he crosses 
 over, merely, o' my conscience, for the sake 
 of drawing it; because, if we may judge 
 from what has been wrote of these things, 
 by all who have wrote and galloped or who 
 have gallop 'd and wrote, which is a different 
 way still; or who for more expedition than 
 the rest, have wrote galloping, which is the 
 
 way I do at present from the great Ad- 
 
 dison, who did it with his satchel of school 
 books hanging at his a , and galling his 
 beast's crupper at every stroke there is 
 not a gallopper of us all who might not 
 have gone on ambling quietly in his own 
 
 12
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 ground (in case he had any), and have 
 wrote all he had to write, dryshod, as well 
 as not. 
 
 For my own part, as heaven is my judge, 
 and to which I shall ever make my last ap- 
 peal I know no more of Calais (except the 
 little my barber told me of it, as he was 
 whetting his razor), than I do this moment 
 of Grand Cairo; for it was dusky in the 
 evening when I landed, and dark as pitch 
 in the morning when I set out, and yet by 
 merely knowing what is what, and by draw- 
 ing this from that in one part of the town, 
 and by spelling and putting this and that 
 together in another I would lay any travel- 
 ling odds, that I this moment write a chap- 
 ter upon Calais as long as my arm ; and 
 with so distinct and satisfactory a detail of 
 every item, which is worth a stranger's cu- 
 riosity in the town that you would take 
 me for the town-clerk of Calais itself and 
 where, sir, would be the wonder? was not 
 Democritus, who laughed ten times more 
 than I town-clerk of Abdera? and was not 
 (I forget his name) who had more discretion 
 
 than us both, town-clerk of Ephesus 1 
 
 it should be penn'd moreover, sir, with so 
 
 13
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 much knowledge and good sense, and truth, 
 
 and precision 
 
 Nay if you don't believe me, you may 
 read the chapter for your pains. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 CALAIS, Calatium, Calusium, Calesium. 
 This town, if we may trust its archives, 
 the authority of which I see no reason to 
 call in question in this place was once no 
 more than a small village belonging to one 
 of the first Counts de Guignes; and as it 
 boasts at present of no less than fourteen 
 thousand inhabitants, exclusive of four hun- 
 dred and twenty distinct families in the basse 
 
 ville, or suburbs it must have grown up 
 
 by little and little, I suppose, to its present 
 size. 
 
 Though there are four convents, there is 
 but one parochial church in the whole town; 
 I had not an opportunity of taking its exact 
 dimensions, but it is pretty easy to make a 
 tolerable conjecture of 'em for as there are 
 
 14
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 fourteen thousand inhabitants in the town, 
 if the church holds them all, it must be 
 considerably large and if it will not 'tis a 
 very great pity they have not another it is 
 built in form of a cross, and dedicated to 
 the Virgin Mary; the steeple, which has a 
 spire to it, is placed in the middle of the 
 church, and stands upon four pillars elegant 
 and light enough, but sufficiently strong at 
 the same time it is decorated with eleven 
 altars, most of which are rather fine than 
 beautiful. The great altar is a masterpiece 
 in its kind; 'tis of white marble, and as I 
 was told near sixty feet high had it been 
 much higher, it had been as high as mount 
 Calvary itself therefore, I suppose it must 
 be high enough in all conscience. 
 
 There was nothing struck me more than 
 the great Square; tho' I cannot say 'tis 
 either well paved or well built; but 'tis in 
 the heart of the town, and most of the 
 streets, especially those in that quarter, all 
 terminate in it; could there have been a 
 fountain in all Calais, which it seems there 
 cannot, as such an object would have been 
 a great ornament, it is not to be doubted, 
 but that the inhabitants would have had it 
 
 15
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 in the very centre of this square, not that 
 it is properly a square, because 'tis forty 
 feet longer from east to west, than from 
 north to south; so that the French in gen- 
 eral have more reason on their side in call- 
 ing them Places than Squares, which, strictly 
 speaking, to be sure they are not. 
 
 The town-house seems to be but a sorry 
 building, and not to be kept in the best 
 repair; otherwise it had been a second great 
 ornament to this place; it answers however 
 its destination, and serves very well for the 
 reception of the magistrates, who assemble 
 in it from time to time; so that 'tis pre- 
 sumable, justice is regularly distributed. 
 
 I have heard much of it, but there is 
 nothing at all curious in the Courgain; 'tis 
 a distinct quarter of the town, inhabited 
 solely by sailors and fishermen; it consists 
 of a number of small streets, neatly built, 
 and mostly of brick; 'tis extremely popu- 
 lous, but as that may be accounted for, 
 from the principles of their diet there is 
 nothing curious in that neither. A trav- 
 eller may see it to satisfy himself he must 
 not omit however taking notice of La Tour 
 de Guet, upon any account; 'tis so called 
 
 16
 
 from its particular destination, 'because in 
 war it serves to discover and give notice of 
 the enemies which approach the place, either 
 
 by sea or land; but 'tis monstrous high, 
 
 and catches the eye so continually, you can- 
 not avoid taking notice of it, if you would. 
 It was a singular disappointment to me, 
 that I could not have permission to take an 
 exact survey of the fortifications, which are 
 the strongest in the world, and which, from 
 first to last, that is, from the time they were 
 set about by Philip of France, Count of 
 Boulogne, to the present war, wherein many 
 reparations were made, have cost (as I 
 learned afterwards from an engineer in Gas- 
 cony) above a hundred millions of livres. 
 It is very remarkable, that at the Tete de 
 Gravelenes, and where the town is naturally 
 the weakest, they have expended the most 
 money; so that the outworks stretch a great 
 way into the campaign, and consequently oc- 
 cupy a large tract of ground. However, after 
 all that is said and done, it must be acknowl- 
 edged that Calais was never upon any account 
 so considerable from itself, as from its situa- 
 tion, and that easy entrance which it gave 
 our ancestors, upon all occasions, into France: 
 
 17
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 it was not without its inconveniences also; 
 being no less troublesome to the English in 
 those times, than Dunkirk has been to us, in 
 ours; so that v it was deservedly looked upon 
 as the key to both kingdoms, which no doubt 
 is the reason that there have arisen so many 
 contentions who should keep it : of these, the 
 siege of Calais, or rather the blockade (for it 
 was shut up both by land and sea), was the 
 most memorable, as it withstood the efforts 
 of Edward the Third a whole year, and was 
 not terminated at last but by famine and ex- 
 treme misery ; the gallantry of Eustace de St 
 Pierre, who first offered himself a victim for 
 his fellow-citizens, has rank'd his name with 
 heroes. As it will not take up above fifty 
 pages, it would be injustice to the reader, 
 not to give him a minute account of that 
 romantic transaction, as well as of the siege 
 itself, in Rapin's own words:
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 B 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 UT courage ! gentle reader ! 
 
 scorn it 'tis enough to have 
 
 thee in my power but to make 
 
 use of the advantage which the fortune of 
 the pen has now gained over thee, would be 
 too much No ! by that all-powerful 
 fire which warms the visionary brain, and 
 lights the spirits through unwordly tracts ! 
 ere I would force a helpless creature upon 
 this hard service, and make thee pay, poor 
 soul ! for fifty pages, which I have no right 
 to sell thee, - naked as I am, I would 
 browse upon the mountains, and smile that 
 the north wind brought me neither my tent 
 or my supper. 
 
 So put on, my brave boy! and make 
 the best of thy way to Boulogne. 
 
 19
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 B 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 OULOGNE! hah! so we are 
 
 all got together debtors and sin- 
 ners before heaven; a jolly set of us 
 but I can't stay and quaff it off with you 
 I'm pursued myself like a hundred devils, 
 and shall be overtaken, before I can well 
 
 change horses: for heaven's sake, make 
 
 haste 'Tis for high- treason, quoth a very 
 
 little man, whispering as low as he could to 
 
 a very tall man, that stood next him Or 
 
 else for murder; quoth the tall man Well 
 
 thrown, Size- ace! quoth I. No; quoth a third, 
 
 the gentleman has been committing . 
 
 Ah! ma chere file! said I, as she tripp'd 
 by, from her matins you look as rosy as 
 the morning (for the sun was rising, and it 
 made the compliment the more gracious) 
 
 No; it can't be that, quoth a fourth (she 
 
 made a curt'sy to me I kiss'd my hand) 
 'tis debt; continued he: 'Tis certainly for 
 debt; quoth a fifth; I would not pay that 
 gentleman's debts, quoth Ace, for a thou-
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 sand pounds; nor would I, quoth Size, for 
 six times the sum Well thrown, Size-ace, 
 again! quoth I; but I have no debt but 
 the debt of NATURE, and I want but patience 
 of her, and I will pay her every farthing I owe 
 
 her How can you be so hard-hearted, 
 
 MADAM, to arrest a poor traveller going along 
 without molestation to any one, upon his 
 lawful occasions? do stop that death-looking, 
 long-striding scoundrel of a scare-sinner, who 
 
 is posting after me he never would have 
 
 followed me but for you if it be but for 
 
 a stage or two, just to give me start of 
 
 him, I beseech you, madam do, dear 
 
 lady 
 
 Now, hi troth, 'tis a great pity, quoth 
 mine Irish host, that all this good courtship 
 should be lost; for the young gentlewoman 
 has been after going out of hearing of it 
 all along. 
 
 Simpleton! quoth I. 
 
 So you have nothing else in Boulogne 
 worth seeing? 
 
 By Jasus! there is the finest SEMINARY 
 for the HUMANITIES 
 
 -There cannot be a finer; quoth I.
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 WHEN the precipitancy of a man's 
 wishes hurries on his ideas ninety 
 times faster than the vehicle he 
 rides in woe be to truth! and woe be to 
 the vehicle and its tackling (let 'em be 
 made of what stuff you will) upon which 
 he breathes forth the disappointment of his 
 soul! 
 
 As I never give general characters either 
 of men or things in choler, "the most haste, 
 the worst speed," was all the reflection I 
 made upon the affair, the first time it hap- 
 pen'd; the second, third, fourth, and fifth 
 time, I confined it respectively to those 
 times, and accordingly blamed only the sec- 
 ond, third, fourth, and fifth post-boy for it, 
 without carrying my reflections further; but 
 the event continuing to befal me from the 
 fifth, to the sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, 
 and tenth time, and without one exception, 
 I then could not avoid making a national 
 reflection of it, which I do in these words; 
 
 if
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 That something is always wrong in a 
 French post-chaise, upon first setting out. 
 
 Or the proposition may stand thus: 
 
 A French postilion has always to alight 
 before he has got three hundred yards out 
 of town. 
 
 What's wrong now ? - - Diable ! a 
 
 rope's broke!- -a knot has sliptl a 
 
 staple's drawn! a bolt's to whittle! 
 
 a tag, a rag, a jag, a strap, a buckle, or a 
 buckle's tongue, want altering. 
 
 Now true as all this is, I never think 
 myself impowered to excommunicate there- 
 upon either the post-chaise, or its driver 
 nor do I take it into my head to swear by 
 the living G , I would rather go a- foot ten 
 
 thousand times or that I will be damn'd, 
 
 if ever I get into another but I take the 
 matter coolly before me, and consider, that 
 some tag, or rag, or jag, or bolt, or buckle, 
 or buckle's tongue, will ever be a wanting, 
 or want altering, travel where I will so I 
 never chaff, but take the good and the bad, 
 as they fall in my road, and get on: Do 
 so, my lad! said I; he had lost five minutes 
 already, in alighting in order to get at a 
 luncheon of black bread, which he had 
 
 23
 
 cramm'd into the chaise-pocket, and was 
 remounted, and going leisurely on, to relish 
 
 it the better Get on, my lad, said I, 
 
 briskly but in the most persuasive tone 
 imaginable, for I jingled a four- and- twenty 
 sous piece against the glass, taking care to 
 hold the flat side towards him, as he look'd 
 back: the dog grinn'd intelligence from his 
 right ear to his left, and behind his sooty 
 muzzle discovered such a pearly row of 
 teeth, that Sovereignty would have pawn'd 
 her jewels for them 
 
 T, c . i, i j What masticators ! 
 Just heaven I -j 
 
 (. What bread ! 
 
 and so, as he finished the last mouthful of 
 it, we entered the town of MontreuiL 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 '"T^HERE is not a town in all France, 
 A which, in my opinion, looks better in 
 
 the map, than MONTREUIL; 1 own, 
 
 it does not look so well in the book of 
 
 24
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 post-roads; but when you come to see it 
 to be sure it looks most pitifully. 
 
 There is one thing, however, in it at 
 present very handsome; and that is the inn- 
 keeper's daughter: She has been eighteen 
 months at Amiens, and six at Paris, in go- 
 ing through her classes; so knits, and sews, 
 and dances, and does the little coquetries 
 very well. 
 
 A slut! in running them over within 
 these five minutes that I have stood look- 
 ing at her, she has let fall at least a dozen 
 
 loops in a white thread stocking yes, 
 
 yes I see, you cunning gipsy! 'tis long 
 and taper you need not pin it to your 
 knee and that 'tis your own and fits you 
 exactly. 
 
 -That Nature should have told this 
 creature a word about a statue's thumb/ 
 But as this sample is worth all their 
 
 thumbs besides, I have her thumbs and 
 
 fingers in at the bargain, if they can be any 
 guide to me, and as Janatone withal (for 
 that is her name) stands so well for a draw- 
 ing may I never draw more, or rather 
 may I draw like a draught- horse, by main 
 strength all the days of my life, if I do 
 
 25
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 not draw her in all her proportions, and with 
 as determined a pencil, as if I had her in 
 
 the wettest drapery. 
 
 But your worships chuse rather that I 
 give you the length, breadth, and perpen- 
 dicular height of the great parish- church, or 
 drawing of the facade of the abbey of Saint 
 Austreberte which has been transported from 
 Artois hither every thing is just I suppose 
 as the masons and carpenters left them, and 
 if the belief in Christ continues so long, will 
 be so these fifty years to come so your 
 worships and reverences may all measure 
 them at your leisures but he who meas- 
 ures thee, Janatone, must do it now thou 
 carriest the principles of change within thy 
 frame; and considering the chances of a 
 transitory life, I would not answer for thee 
 a moment ; ere twice twelve months are 
 passed and gone, thou mayest grow out 
 
 like a pumpkin, and lose thy shapes or, 
 
 thou mayest go off like a flower, and lose 
 thy beauty nay, thou mayest go off like a 
 hussy and lose thyself. I would not an- 
 swer for my aunt Dinah, was she alive 
 
 'faith, scarce for her picture were it but 
 
 painted by Reynolds 
 
 26
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 But if I go on with my drawing, 
 after naming that son of Apollo, I'll be 
 shot 
 
 So you must e'en be content with the 
 original ; which, if the evening is fine in 
 passing thro' Montreuil, you will see at 
 your chaise- door, as you change horses: but 
 unless you have as bad a reason for haste 
 
 as I have you had better stop: She has 
 
 a little of the devote: but that, sir, is a terce 
 to a nine in your favour 
 
 L help me! I could not count a single 
 point: so had been piqued, and repiqued, 
 and capotted to the deviL 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 ALL which being considered, and that 
 Death moreover might be much 
 
 nearer me than I imagined 1 
 
 wish I was at Abbeville, quoth I, were it 
 
 only to see how they card and spin so 
 
 off we set. 
 
 27
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 * de Montreuil a Nampont-poste et demi 
 
 de Nampont a Bernay poste 
 
 de Bernay a Nouvion poste 
 
 de Nouvion a ABBEVILLE - poste 
 
 but the carders and spinners were all 
 gone to bed. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 WHAT a vast advantage is travelling! 
 only it heats one; but there is a 
 remedy for that, which you may 
 pick out of the next chapter. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 WAS I in a condition to stipulate with 
 Death, as I am this moment with 
 my apothecary, how and where I 
 will take his clyster I should certainly 
 declare against submitting to it before my 
 
 * Vid. Book of French post-roads, page 36, edition of 1762. 
 
 28
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 friends; and therefore I never seriously think 
 upon the mode and manner of this great 
 catastrophe, which generally takes up and 
 torments my thoughts as much as the ca- 
 tastrophe itself, but I constantly draw the 
 curtain across it with this wish, that the 
 Disposer of all things may so order it, that 
 it happen not to me in my own house- 
 but rather in some decent inn at home, 
 
 I know it, the concern of my friends, 
 and the last services of wiping my brows, 
 and smoothing my pillow, which the quiver- 
 ing hand of pale affection shall pay me, will 
 so crucify my soul, that I shall die of a 
 distemper which my physician is not aware 
 of: but in an inn, the few cold offices I 
 wanted, would be purchased with a few 
 guineas, and paid me with an undisturbed, 
 but punctual attention but mark. This 
 inn should not be the inn at Abbeville 
 if there was not another inn in the uni- 
 verse, I would strike that inn out of the 
 capitulation : so 
 
 Let the horses be in the chaise exactly 
 by four in the morning -Yes, by four, 
 Sir, or by Genevieve! I'll raise a clatter 
 in the house, shall wake the dead. 
 
 29
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 MAKE them like unto a wheel," is a 
 bitter sarcasm, as all the learned 
 know, against the grand tour, 
 and that restless spirit for making it, which 
 David prophetically foresaw would haunt 
 the children of men in the latter days; and 
 therefore, as thinketh the great bishop Hall, 
 'tis one of the severest imprecations which 
 David ever utter 'd against the enemies of 
 the Lord and, as if he had said, " I wish 
 them no worse luck than always to be roll- 
 ing about" So much motion, continues he 
 (for he was very corpulent) is so much un- 
 quietness; and so much of rest, by the same 
 analogy, is so much of heaven. 
 
 Now, I (being very thin) think differently; 
 and that so much of motion, is so much of 
 
 life, and so much of joy and that to 
 
 stand still, or get on but slowly, is death 
 and the devil 
 
 Hollo! Ho! the whole world's asleep! 
 
 bring out the horses grease the 
 
 so
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 wheels tie on the mail and drive a 
 
 nail into that moulding I'll not lose a 
 
 moment 
 
 Now the wheel we are talking of, and 
 whereinto (but not whereonto, for that would 
 make an Ixion's wheel of it) he curseth his 
 enemies, according to the bishop's habit of 
 body, should certainly be a post-chaise wheel, 
 whether they were set up in Palestine at that 
 time or not and my wheel, for the con- 
 trary reasons, must as certainly be a cart- 
 wheel groaning round its revolution once in 
 an age; and of which sort, were I to turn 
 commentator, I should make no scruple to 
 affirm, they had great store in that hilly 
 country. 
 
 I love the Pythagoreans (much more than 
 ever I dare tell my dear Jenny) for their 
 
 "Xtopicr/jibv CLTTO rov ScoyiiaTO?, et? TO aX,&)5 (f)i\ocro<f>etv" 
 
 [their] "getting out of the body, in or- 
 der to think well." No man thinks right, 
 whilst he is in it; blinded as he must be, 
 with his congenial humours, and drawn dif- 
 ferently aside, as the bishop and myself have 
 been, with too lax or too tense a fibre 
 REASON is, half of it, SENSE; and the 
 measure of heaven itself is but the meas- 
 
 31
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 ure of our present appetites and concoc- 
 tions 
 
 But which of the two, in the present 
 case, do you think to be mostly in the 
 wrong ? 
 
 You, certainly: quoth she, to disturb a 
 whole family so early. 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 But she did not know I was under 
 
 a vow not to shave my beard, till I got to 
 
 Paris; yet I hate to make mysteries of 
 
 nothing; 'tis the cold cautiousness of one 
 
 of those little souls from which Lessius (lib. 
 13. de moribus divinis, cap. 24.) hath made 
 his estimate, wherein he setteth forth, That 
 one Dutch mile, cubically multiplied, will 
 allow room enough, and to spare, for eight 
 hundred thousand millions, which he sup- 
 poses to be as great a number of souls 
 (counting from the fall of Adam} as can 
 possibly be damn'd to the end of the world. 
 
 32
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 From what he has made this second esti- 
 mate unless from the parental goodness 
 
 of God I don't know I am much more 
 at a loss what could be in Franciscus Rib- 
 bera's head, who pretends that no less a 
 space than one of two hundred Italian miles 
 multiplied into itself, will be sufficient to 
 hold the like number he certainly must 
 have gone upon some of the old Roman 
 souls, of which he had read, without reflect- 
 ing how much, by a gradual and most tabid 
 decline, in the course of eighteen hundred 
 years, they must unavoidably have shrunk, 
 so as to have come, when he wrote, almost 
 to nothing. 
 
 In Lessius's time, who seems the cooler 
 man, they were as little as can be imag- 
 ined 
 
 -We find them less now 
 
 And next winter we shall find them less 
 again; so that if we go on from little to 
 less, and from less to nothing, I hesitate 
 not one moment to affirm, that in half a 
 century, at this rate, we shall have no souls 
 at all; which being the period beyond which 
 I doubt likewise of the existence of the 
 Christian faith, 'twill be one advantage, 
 
 83
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 that both of 'em will be exactly worn out 
 together. 
 
 Blessed Jupiter! and blessed every other 
 heathen god and goddess ! for now ye will 
 all come into play again, and with Priapus 
 
 at your tails what jovial times! but 
 
 where am I ? and into what a delicious riot 
 
 of things am I rushing? I 1 who must 
 
 be cut short in the midst of my days, and 
 taste no more of 'em than what I borrow 
 from my imagination peace to thee, gen- 
 erous fool! and let me go on. 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 "So hating, I say, to make mys- 
 teries of nothing" I intrusted it with 
 the post-boy, as soon as ever I got off the 
 stones; he gave a crack with his whip, to 
 balance the compliment; and with the thill- 
 horse trotting, and a sort of an up and a 
 down of the other, we danced it along to 
 Ailly au dockers, famed in days of yore for 
 the finest chimes in the world; but we 
 
 34
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 danced through it without music the 
 chimes being greatly out of order (as in 
 truth they were through all France.) 
 And so making all possible speed, from 
 Ailly au dockers, I got to Hixcourt, 
 from Hixcourt, I got to Pequignay, and 
 from Pequignay, I got to AMIENS, 
 concerning which town I have nothing to 
 inform you, but what I have informed you 
 
 once before and that was that Janatone 
 
 went there to school. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 IN the whole catalogue of those whiffling 
 vexations which come puffing across a 
 man's canvass, there is not one of a 
 more teasing and tormenting nature, than 
 this particular one which I am going to de- 
 scribe and for which (unless you travel 
 
 with an avance-courier, which numbers do 
 in order to prevent it) there is no help: 
 and it is this. 
 
 That be you hi never so kindly a pro- 
 
 35
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 pensity to sleep- -tho' you are passing 
 perhaps through the finest country upon 
 the best roads,- and in the easiest car- 
 riage for doing it in the world nay, was 
 
 you sure you could sleep fifty miles straight 
 forwards, without once opening your eyes 
 nay, what is more, was you as demonstra- 
 tively satisfied as you can be of any truth 
 in Euclid, that you should upon all accounts 
 be full as well asleep as awake nay, per- 
 haps better -Yet the incessant returns of 
 
 paying for the horses at every stage, 
 
 with the necessity thereupon of putting 
 your hand into your pocket, and counting 
 out from thence three livres fifteen sous 
 (sous by sous), puts an end to so much of 
 the project, that you cannot execute above 
 six miles of it (or supposing it is a post 
 
 and a half, that is but nine) were it to 
 
 save your soul from destruction. 
 
 I'll be even with 'em, quoth I, for I'll 
 put the precise sum into a piece of paper, 
 and hold it ready in my hand all the way: 
 1 ' Now I shall have nothing to do, ' ' said I 
 (composing myself to rest), "but to drop 
 this gently into the post-boy's hat, and not 
 say a word. ' ' -Then there wants two sous 
 
 36
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 more to drink or there is a twelve sous 
 
 piece of Louis XIV. which will not pass or 
 a livre and some odd liards to be brought 
 over from the last stage, which Monsieur 
 had forgot; which altercations (as a man 
 cannot dispute very well asleep) rouse him: 
 still is sweet sleep retrievable; and still 
 might the flesh weigh down the spirit, and 
 recover itself of these blows but then, by 
 heaven! you have paid but for a single post 
 whereas 'tis a post and a half; and this 
 obliges you to pull out your book of post- 
 roads, the print of which is so very small, 
 it forces you to open your eyes, whether 
 you will or no: Then Monsieur le Cure 
 offers you a pinch of snuff or a poor sol- 
 dier shews you his leg or a shaveling his 
 
 box or the priestess of the cistern will 
 
 water your wheels they do not want it 
 
 but she swears by her priesthood (throw- 
 ing it back) that they do : then you have 
 
 all these points to argue, or consider over 
 in your mind; in doing of which, the 
 rational powers get so thoroughly awakened 
 you may get 'em to sleep again as you 
 can. 
 
 It was entirely owing to one of these 
 
 3T
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 misfortunes, or I had pass'd clean by the 
 
 stables of Chantilly 
 
 But the postilion first affirming, and 
 
 then persisting in it to my face, that there 
 was no mark upon the two sous piece, I 
 open'd my eyes to be convinced and see- 
 ing the mark upon it as plain as my nose 
 I leap'd out of the chaise in a passion, and 
 
 so saw every thing at Chantilly in spite. 
 
 I tried it but for three posts and a half, 
 but believe 'tis the best principle in the 
 world to travel speedily upon; for as few 
 objects look very inviting in that mood 
 you have little or nothing to stop you; by 
 which means it was that I passed through 
 St Dennis, without turning my head so much 
 
 as on one side towards the Abby 
 
 Richness of their treasury! stuff and 
 nonsense! bating their jewels, which are 
 all false, I would not give three sous for 
 
 any one thing in it, but Jaidas's lantern 
 
 nor for that either, only as it grows dark, it 
 might be of use. 
 
 38
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 /""^RACK, crack crack, crack crack, 
 
 V_^ crack so this is Paris! quoth I 
 
 (continuing in the same mood) and 
 
 this is Paris! humph! Paris! cried I, 
 
 repeating the name the third time 
 
 The first, the finest, the most brilliant 
 
 The streets however are nasty. 
 
 But it looks, I suppose, better than it 
 
 smells crack, crack crack, crack 
 
 what a fuss thou makest! as if it con- 
 cerned the good people to be informed, 
 that a man with pale face, and clad in 
 black, had the honour to be driven into 
 Paris at nine o'clock at night, by a pos- 
 tilion in a tawny yellow jerkin, turned 
 
 up with red calamanco crack, crack 
 
 crack, crack crack, crack, 1 wish thy 
 
 whip 
 
 But 'tis the spirit of thy nation; so 
 crack crack on. 
 
 Ha! and no one gives the wall! 
 
 but in the SCHOOL of URBANITY herself, if 
 
 so
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 the walls are besh-t how can you do 
 otherwise ? 
 
 And prithee when do they light the 
 lamps ? What ? never in the summer 
 months!- -Ho! 'tis the time of sallads. 
 
 O rare! sallad and soup soup and sal- 
 lad sallad and soup, encore 
 
 -'Tis too much for sinners. 
 
 Now I cannot bear the barbarity of it; 
 how can that unconscionable coachman talk 
 so much bawdy to that lean horse? don't 
 you see, friend, the streets are so villain- 
 ously narrow, that there is not room in all 
 Paris to turn a wheelbarrow ? In the 
 grandest city of the whole world, it would 
 not have been amiss, if they had been left a 
 thought wider; nay, were it only so much 
 in every single street, as that a man might 
 know (was it only for satisfaction) on which 
 side of it he was walking. 
 
 One two three four five six seven 
 eight nine ten. Ten cook's shops ! and 
 twice the number of barbers! and all within 
 three minutes driving ! one would think that 
 all the cooks in the world, on some great 
 merry-meeting with the barbers, by joint 
 consent had said Come, let us all go live 
 
 40
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 at Paris: the French love good eating 
 
 they are all gourmands we shall rank 
 
 high; if their god is their belly their 
 
 cooks must be gentlemen : and forasmuch 
 as the periwig maketh the man, and the 
 peri wig- maker maketh the periwig ergo, 
 would the barbers say, we shall rank higher 
 still we shall be above you all we shall 
 be * Capitouls at least pardi! we shall all 
 
 wear swords 
 
 And so, one would swear (that is by 
 candle light, but there is no depending 
 upon it) they continue to do, to this day. 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 THE French are certainly misunder- 
 stood:- -but whether the fault is 
 theirs, in not sufficiently explaining 
 themselves ; or speaking with that exact 
 limitation and precision which one would 
 expect on a point of such importance, and 
 
 * Chief Magistrate in Toulouse, &c. &c. &c. 
 
 41
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 which, moreover, is so likely to be con- 
 tested by us or whether the fault may 
 
 not be altogether on our side, in not un- 
 derstanding their language always so critic- 
 ally as to know "what they would be at" 
 
 I shall not decide; but 'tis evident to 
 me, when they affirm, ' ' That they who have 
 seen Paris, have seen every tiling, ' ' they must 
 mean to speak of those who have seen it by 
 day-light. 
 
 As for candle-light I give it up -I 
 have said before, there was no depending 
 upon it and I repeat it again; but not be- 
 cause the lights and shades are too sharp 
 or the tints confounded or that there is 
 neither beauty or keeping, &c. ... for 
 that's not truth but it is an uncertain light 
 in this respect, That in all the five hundred 
 grand Hotels, which they number up to 
 you in Paris and the five hundred good 
 things, at a modest computation (for 'tis 
 only allowing one good thing to a Hotel), 
 which by candle-light are best to be seen, 
 felt, heard, and understood (which, by the 
 
 bye, is a quotation from Lilly) the devil 
 
 a one of us out of fifty, can get our heads 
 fairly thrust in amongst them. 
 
 42
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 This is no part of the French computa- 
 tion: 'tis simply this, 
 
 That by the last survey, taken in the 
 year one thousand seven hundred and six- 
 teen, since which time there have been con- 
 siderable augmentations, Paris doth contain 
 nine hundred streets; (viz.) 
 In the quarter called the City there are 
 
 fifty-three streets. 
 
 In St James of the Shambles, fifty-five streets. 
 In St Oportune, thirty-four streets. 
 In the quarter of the Louvre, twenty-five 
 
 streets. 
 
 In the Palace Royal, or St Honorius, forty- 
 nine streets. 
 
 In Mont. Martyr, forty-one streets. 
 In St Eustace, twenty-nine streets. 
 In the Halles, twenty-seven streets. 
 In St Dennis, fifty- five streets. 
 In St Martin, fifty-four streets. 
 In St Paul, or the Mortellerie, twenty-seven 
 
 streets. 
 
 The Greve, thirty-eight streets. 
 In St Avoy, or the Verrerie, nineteen 
 
 streets. 
 In the Marais, or the Temple, fifty-two 
 
 streets. 
 
 43
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 In St Antony's, sixty-eight streets. 
 In the Place Maubert, eighty-one streets. 
 In St Sennet, sixty streets. 
 In St Andrews de Arcs, fifty-one streets. 
 In the quarter of the Luxembourg, sixty- 
 two streets. 
 
 And in that of St Germain, fifty-five streets, 
 into any of which you may walk; and that 
 when you have seen them with all that 
 belongs to them, fairly by day-light their 
 gates, their bridges, their squares, their 
 
 statues and have crusaded it moreover 
 
 through all their parish-churches, by no means 
 
 omitting St Roche and Sulpice and to 
 
 crown all, have taken a walk to the four pal- 
 aces, which you may see, either with or without 
 the statues and pictures, just as you chuse 
 
 Then you will have seen 
 
 but, 'tis what no one needeth to tell 
 
 you, for you will read of it yourself upon 
 the portico of the Louvre, in these words, 
 
 * EARTH NO SUCH FOLKS 1 NO FOLKS E*ER 
 
 SUCH A TOWN 
 AS PARIS IS! SING, DERRY, DERRY, DOWN. 
 
 * Non orbis gentem, non urbem gens habet ullarn 
 ulla parem.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 The French have a gay way of treating 
 every thing that is Great; and that is all 
 can be said upon it. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 IN mentioning the word gay (as in the 
 close of the last chapter) it puts one 
 {i.e. an author) in mind of the word 
 
 spleen especially if he has anything to 
 
 say upon it: not that by any analysis or 
 that from any table of interest or genealogy, 
 there appears much more ground of alliance 
 betwixt them, than betwixt light and dark- 
 ness, or any two of the most unfriendly 
 
 opposites in nature only 'tis an under- 
 
 craft of authors to keep up a good under- 
 standing amongst words, as politicians do 
 amongst men not knowing how near they 
 may be under a necessity of placing them 
 to each other which point being now 
 gain'd, and that I may place mine exactly 
 to my mind, I write it down here
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 SPLEEN. 
 
 This, upon leaving Chantilly, I declared to 
 be the best principle in the world to travel 
 speedily upon; but I gave it only as matter 
 of opinion. I still continue in the same 
 sentiments only I had not then experience 
 enough of its working to add this, that 
 though you do get on at a tearing rate, 
 yet you get on but uneasily to yourself at 
 the same time; for which reason I here quit 
 it entirely, and for ever, and 'tis heartily at 
 any one's service it has spoiled me the 
 digestion of a good supper, and brought on 
 a bilious diarrhoea, which has brought me 
 back again to my first principle on which 
 
 I set out and with which I shall now 
 
 scamper it away to the banks of the 
 Garonne 
 
 No; 1 cannot stop a moment to 
 
 give you the character of the people their 
 genius -their manners their customs 
 their laws their religion their govern- 
 ment their manufactures their commerce 
 their finances, with all the resources and 
 
 46
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 hidden springs which sustain them: qualified 
 as I may be, by spending three days and 
 two nights amongst them, and during all 
 that time making these things the entire 
 
 subject of my enquiries and reflections 
 
 Still still I must away the roads are 
 paved the posts are short the days are 
 long 'tis no more than noon I shall be 
 
 at Fontainbleau before the king 
 
 -Was he going there ? not that I 
 know 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 NOW I hate to hear a person, especially 
 if he be a traveller, complain that we 
 do not get on so fast in France as 
 we do in England; whereas we get on 
 much faster, consideratis consider andis ; 
 thereby always meaning, that if you weigh 
 their vehicles with the mountains of bag- 
 gage which you lay both before and behind 
 upon them and then consider their puny 
 horses, with the very little they give them 
 -'tis a wonder they get on at all: their
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 suffering is most unchristian, and 'tis evi- 
 dent thereupon to me, that a French post- 
 horse would not know what in the world 
 to do, was it not for the two words ****** 
 and ****** in which there is as much sus- 
 tenance, as if you gave him a peck of corn: 
 now as these words cost nothing, I long 
 from my soul to tell the reader what they 
 are; but here is the question they must 
 be told him plainly, and with the most dis- 
 tinct articulation, or it will answer no end ' 
 and yet to do it in that plain way though 
 their reverences may laugh at it in the bed- 
 chamber full well I wot, they will abuse 
 it in the parlour: for which cause, I have 
 been volving and revolving in my fancy 
 some time, but to no purpose, by what 
 clean device or facette contrivance I might 
 so modulate them, that whilst I satisfy that 
 ear which the reader chuses to lend me 
 I might not dissatisfy the other which he 
 keeps to himself. 
 
 My ink burns my finger to try 
 
 and when I have -'twill have a worse 
 
 consequence it will burn (I fear) my 
 
 paper. 
 
 No; I dare not 
 
 48
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 But if you wish to know how the abbess 
 of Andouillets and a novice of her convent 
 got over the difficulty (only first wishing 
 myself all imaginable success) I'll tell you 
 without the least scruple. 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 abbess of Andouillets y which, if you 
 A look into the large set of provincial 
 maps now publishing at Paris, you 
 will find situated amongst the hills which 
 divide Burgundy from Savoy, being in dan- 
 ger of an Anchylosis or stiff joint (the sinovia 
 of her knee becoming hard by long matins), 
 
 and having tried every remedy first, 
 
 prayers and thanksgiving; then invocations 
 
 to all the saints in heaven promiscuously 
 
 then particularly to every saint who had 
 
 ever had a stiff leg before her then 
 
 touching it with all the reliques of the con- 
 vent, principally with the thigh-bone of the 
 man of Lystra, who had been impotent from 
 his youth then wrapping it up in her veil 
 
 49
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 when she went to bed then cross-wise her 
 rosary then bringing in to her aid the sec- 
 ular arm, and anointing it with oils and hot 
 fat of animals then treating it with emol- 
 lient and resolving fomentations then 
 with poultices of marsh- mallows, mallows, 
 bonus Henricus, white lillies and fenugreek 
 then taking the woods, I mean the smoke 
 of 'em, holding her scapulary across her lap 
 
 then decoctions of wild chicory, water- 
 cresses, chervil, sweet cecily and cochlearia 
 
 and nothing all this while answering, 
 
 was prevailed on at last to try the hot- 
 baths of Bourbon so having first ob- 
 
 tain'd leave of the visitor-general to take 
 care of her existence she ordered all to be 
 got ready for her journey: a novice of the 
 convent of about seventeen, who had been 
 troubled with a whitloe in her middle finger, 
 by sticking it constantly into the abbess's 
 cast poultices, &c. had gained such an in- 
 terest, that overlooking a sciatical old nun, 
 who might have been set up for ever by 
 the hot-baths of Bourbon, Margarita, the 
 little novice, was elected as the companion 
 of the journey. 
 
 An old calesh, belonging to the ablresse, 
 &o
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 lined with green frize, was ordered to be 
 drawn out into the sun the gardener of 
 the convent being chosen muleteer, led out 
 the two old mules, to clip the hair from 
 the rump-ends of their tails, whilst a couple 
 of lay-sisters were busied, the one in darn- 
 ing the lining, and the other in sewing on 
 the shreds of yellow binding, which the 
 teeth of time had unravelled the under- 
 gardener dress'd the muleteer's hat in hot 
 wine-lees and a taylor sat musically at 
 it, in a shed over-against the convent, in 
 assorting four dozen of bells for the har- 
 ness, whistling to each bell, as he tied it on 
 with a thong. 
 
 The carpenter and the smith of An- 
 
 douillets held a council of wheels; and by 
 seven, the morning after, all look'd spruce, 
 and was ready at the gate of the convent 
 for the hot-baths of Bourbon two rows of 
 the unfortunate stood ready there an hour 
 before. 
 
 The abbess of And&uillets, supported by 
 Margarita the novice, advanced slowly to 
 the calesh, both clad in white, with their 
 black rosaries hanging at their breasts 
 
 There was a simple solemnity in the 
 
 51
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 contrast: they entered the calesh; and nuns 
 in the same uniform, sweet emblem of in- 
 nocence, each occupied a window, and as 
 the abbess and Margarita look'd up each 
 (the sciatical poor nun excepted) each 
 stream 'd out the end of her veil in the air 
 then kiss'd the lilly hand which let it go: 
 the good abbess and Margarita laid their 
 hands saint- wise upon their breasts look'd 
 up to heaven then to them and look'd 
 "God bless you, dear sisters." 
 
 I declare I am interested in this story, 
 and I wish I had been there. 
 
 The gardener, whom I shall now call the 
 muleteer, was a little, hearty, broad-set, 
 good-natured, chattering, toping kind of a 
 fellow, who troubled his head very little 
 with the hows and tvhens of life ; so had 
 mortgaged a month of his conventical wages 
 in a borrachio, or leathern cask of wine, 
 which he had disposed behind the calesh, 
 with a large russet- coloured riding-coat over 
 it, to guard it from the sun; and as the 
 weather was hot, and he not a niggard of 
 his labours, walking ten times more than he 
 rode he found more occasions than those 
 of nature, to fall back to the rear of his 
 
 52
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 carriage; ti\l by frequent coming and go- 
 ing, it had so happen 'd, that all his wine 
 had leak'd out at the legal vent of the bor- 
 rachio, before one half of the journey was 
 finish 'd. 
 
 Man is a creature born to habitudes. 
 The day had been sultry the evening was 
 delicious the wine was generous the Bur- 
 gundian hill on which it grew was steep 
 a little tempting bush over the door of a 
 cool cottage at the foot of it, hung vibrat- 
 ing in full harmony with the passions a 
 gentle air rustled distinctly through the 
 leaves "Come come, thirsty muleteer 
 come in." 
 
 The muleteer was a son of Adam. I 
 need not say a word more. He gave the 
 mules, each of 'em, a sound lash, and look- 
 ing in the abbess's and Margarita's faces 
 (as he did it) as much as to say "here I 
 am " he gave a second good crack as 
 
 much as to say to his mules, "get on" 
 
 so slinking behind, he enter 'd the little inn 
 at the foot of the hill. 
 
 The muleteer, as I told you, was a little, 
 joyous, chirping fellow, who thought not of 
 to-morrow, nor of what had gone before, or 
 
 53
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 what was to follow it, provided he got but 
 his scantling of Burgundy, and a little chit- 
 chat along with it; so entering into a long 
 conversation, as how he was chief gardener 
 to the convent of Andouittets, &c. &c. and 
 out of friendship for the abbess and Mad- 
 emoiselle Margarita, who was only in her 
 noviciate, he had come along with them 
 from the confines of Savoy, &c. &c. and 
 as how she had got a white swelling by her 
 devotions and what a nation of herbs he 
 had procured to mollify her humours, &c. 
 &c. and that if the waters of Bourbon did 
 not mend that leg she might as well be 
 lame of both &c. &c. &c. He so con- 
 trived his story, as absolutely to forget the 
 heroine of it and with her, the little novice, 
 and what was a more ticklish point to be 
 forgot than both the two mules; who be- 
 ing creatures that take advantage of the 
 world, inasmuch as their parents took it of 
 them and they not being in a condition 
 to return the obligation downwards (as men 
 and women and beasts are) they do it side- 
 ways, and long-ways, and back-ways and 
 up hill, and down hill, and which way they 
 can. -Philosophers, with all their eth- 
 
 64
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 icks, have never considered this rightly 
 how should the poor muleteer, then in his 
 cups, consider it at all ? he did not in the 
 least -'tis time we do; let us leave him 
 then in the vortex of his element, the hap- 
 piest and most thoughtless of mortal men 
 
 and for a moment let us look after the 
 mules, the abbess, and Margarita. 
 
 By virtue of the muleteer's two last 
 strokes, the mules had gone quietly on, 
 following their own consciences up the hill, 
 till they had conquer'd about one half of 
 it ; when the elder of them, a shrewd, 
 crafty old devil, at the turn of an angle, 
 giving a side glance, and no muleteer be- 
 hind them 
 
 By my fig! said she, swearing, I'll go no 
 
 further And if I do, replied the other, 
 
 they shall make a drum of my hide. 
 
 And so with one consent they stopp'd 
 thus
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 Get on with you, said the abbess. 
 
 Wh ysh ysh cried Mar- 
 garita. 
 
 Sh a shu - u shu - - u sh - - aw 
 
 shaw'd the abbess. 
 
 Whu v w whew w w 
 
 whuv'd Margarita, pursing up her sweet lips 
 betwixt a hoot and a whistle. 
 
 Thump thump thump obstreperated 
 the abbess of Andouillets with the end of 
 her gold- headed cane against the bottom of 
 the calesh 
 
 The old mule let a f 
 
 W 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 E are ruined and undone, my child, 
 
 said the abbess to Margarita, 
 
 we shall be here all night we 
 
 shall be plunder'd we shall be rav- 
 
 ish'd 
 
 36
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 We shall be ravish' d, said Margarita, 
 
 as sure as a gun. 
 
 Sancta Maria! cried the abbess (forget- 
 ting the Of) why was I govern'd by this 
 wicked stiff joint ? why did I leave the con- 
 vent of Andouillets? and why didst thou not 
 suffer thy servant to go unpolluted to her 
 tomb? 
 
 O my finger! my finger! cried the novice, 
 catching fire at the word servant why was 
 I not content to put it here, or there, any 
 where rather than be in this strait? 
 
 Strait! said the abbess. 
 
 Strait said the novice ; for terror had 
 
 struck their understandings the one knew 
 
 not what she said the other what she 
 
 answer'd. 
 
 O my virginity! virginity! cried the ab- 
 bess. 
 
 inity! inity! said the novice, sob- 
 bing.
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 MY dear mother, quoth the novice, com- 
 ing a little to herself, there are 
 
 two certain words, which I have been 
 told will force any horse, or ass, or mule, to 
 go up a hill, whether he will or no; be he 
 never so obstinate or ill- will' d, the moment 
 he hears them utter 'd, he obeys. They are 
 words magic! cried the abbess in the utmost 
 horror No; replied Margarita calmly but 
 they are words sinful What are they ? 
 quoth the abbess, interrupting her: They 
 are sinful in the first degree, answered Mar- 
 garita, they are mortal and if we are rav- 
 ish 'd and die unabsolved of them, we shall 
 both- -but you may pronounce them to 
 
 me, quoth the abbess of Andouillets 
 
 They cannot, my dear mother, said the no- 
 vice, be pronounced at all; they will make 
 all the blood in one's body fly up into one's 
 face But you may whisper them in my ear, 
 quoth the abbess. 
 
 Heaven! hadst thou no guardian angel to 
 
 58
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 _. . .., i 
 
 delegate to the inn at the bottom of the 
 hill ? was there no generous and friendly 
 
 spirit unemployed no agent in nature, 
 
 by some monitory shivering, creeping along 
 the artery which led to his heart, to rouse 
 
 the muleteer from his banquet? no sweet 
 
 minstrelsy to bring back the fair idea of the 
 abbess and Margarita, with their black rosa- 
 ries! 
 
 Rouse ! rouse ! but 'tis too late the 
 
 horrid words are pronounced this mo- 
 ment 
 
 and how to tell them Ye, who can 
 speak of every thing existing, with unpol- 
 luted lips instruct me guide me 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 ALL sins whatever, quoth the abbess, 
 turning casuist in the distress they 
 were under, are held by the confessor 
 of our convent to be either mortal or venial: 
 there is no further division. Now a venial 
 sin being the slightest and least of all sins, 
 
 59
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 being halved by taking, either only the 
 half of it, and leaving the rest or, by tak- 
 ing it all, and amicably halving it betwixt 
 yourself and another person in course be- 
 comes diluted into no sin at all. 
 
 Now I see no sin in saying, bou, bou, bou, 
 bou, bou, a hundred times together; nor is 
 there any turpitude in pronouncing the syl- 
 lable ger, ger, ger, ger, ger, were it from 
 our matins to our vespers: Therefore, my 
 dear daughter, continued the abbess of An- 
 domllets I will say bou, and thou shalt say 
 ger; and then alternately, as there is no 
 more sin in fou than in bou Thou shalt 
 say fou and I will come in (like fa, sol, la, 
 le, mi, ut, at our complines) with ter. And 
 accordingly the abbess, giving the pitch note, 
 set off thus : 
 
 Abbess, ) Bou - - bou - - bou - - 
 Margarita, } - ger, - - ger, - - ger. 
 Margarita, \ Fou - - fou - - fou - - 
 Abbess, ) - ter, - - ter, - - ter. 
 
 The two mules acknowledged the notes 
 by a mutual lash of their tails; but it went 
 
 no further. 'Twill answer by an' by, said 
 
 the novice. 
 
 CO
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Abbess, ) Bern- bou- bou- bou- bou- bou- 
 Margarita, J ger, ger, ger, ger, ger, ger. 
 
 Quicker still, cried Margarita. 
 
 Fou, fou, foil, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou.. 
 
 Quicker still, cried Margarita. 
 
 Bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, 
 bou. 
 
 Quicker still God preserve me! said the 
 abbess They do not understand us, cried 
 Margarita But the Devil does, said the 
 abbess of Andouillets. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 WHAT a tract of country have I run! 
 how many degrees nearer to the warm 
 sun am I advanced, and how many 
 fair and goodly cities have I seen, during the 
 time you have been reading, and reflecting, 
 Madam, upon this story! There's FONTAIN- 
 BI.EAU, and SENS, and JOIGNY, and AUXERRE, 
 and DIJON the capital of Burgundy, and 
 CHALLON, and Macon the capital of the 
 
 61
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Maconese, and a score more upon the road 
 to LYONS- -and now I have run them 
 over _ _l might as well talk to you of so 
 many market towns in the moon, as tell 
 you one word about them: it will be this 
 chapter at the least, if not both this and 
 the next entirely lost, do what I will 
 
 Why, 'tis a strange story! Tristram. 
 
 Alas ! Madam, 
 
 had it been upon some melancholy lecture 
 of the cross the peace of meekness, or the 
 contentment of resignation I had not 
 been incommoded: or had I thought of 
 writing it upon the purer abstractions of 
 the soul, and that food of wisdom and 
 holiness and contemplation, upon which the 
 spirit of man (when separated from the 
 
 body) is to subsist for ever You would 
 
 have come with a better appetite from it 
 
 I wish I never had wrote it: but as 
 
 I never blot any thing out let us use 
 
 some honest means to get it out of our 
 heads directly. 
 
 Pray reach me my fool's cap 1 
 
 fear you sit upon it, Madam 'tis under 
 
 the cushion I'll put it on 
 
 Bless me ! you have had it upon your 
 
 62
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 head this half hour. There then let it 
 
 stay, with a 
 
 Fa-ra diddle di 
 
 and a fa-ri diddle d 
 
 and a high-dum dye-dum 
 
 fiddle dumb - c. 
 
 And now, Madam, we may venture, I hope, 
 a little to go on. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 All you need say of Fontainbleau (in 
 
 case you are ask'd) is, that it stands about 
 forty miles (south something} from Paris., in 
 the middle of a large forest -That there 
 
 is something great in it That the king 
 
 goes there once every two or three years, 
 with his whole court, for the pleasure of 
 the chase and that, during that carnival of 
 sporting, any English gentleman of fashion 
 (you need not forget yourself) may be ac- 
 commodated with a nag or two, to partake 
 of the sport, taking care only not to out- 
 gallop the king 
 
 63
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Though there are two reasons why you 
 need not talk loud of this to every one. 
 
 First, Because 'twill make the said nags 
 the harder to be got; and 
 
 Secondly, 'Tis not a word of it true. 
 Allans! 
 
 As for SENS you may dispatch it in a 
 
 word "'Tis an arckiepiscopal see. " 
 
 -For JOIGNY the less, I think, one 
 says of it, the better. 
 
 But for AUXERRE I could go on for ever: 
 for in my grand tour through Europe, in 
 which, after all, my father (not caring to trust 
 me with any one) attended me himself, with 
 my uncle Toby, and Trim, and Obadiah, and 
 indeed most of the family, except my mother, 
 who being taken up with a project of knitting 
 my father a pair of large worsted breeches 
 (the thing is common sense) and she not 
 caring to be put out of her way, she staid at 
 home, at SHANDY HALL, to keep things right 
 during the expedition; in which, I say, my 
 father stopping us two days at Auxerre, and 
 his researches being ever of such a nature, 
 that they would have found fruit even in a 
 
 desert he has left me enough to say upon 
 
 AUXERRE : in short, wherever my father went 
 
 64
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 but 'twas more remarkably so, in this 
 
 journey through France and Italy., than in 
 
 any other stages of his life his road seemed 
 
 to lie so much on one side of that, wherein all 
 other travellers have gone before him he saw 
 kings and courts and silks of all colours, in 
 
 such strange lights and his remarks and 
 
 reasonings upon the characters, the manners, 
 and customs of the countries we pass'd over, 
 were so opposite to those of all other mortal 
 men, particularly those of my uncle Toby and 
 Trim (to say nothing of myself) and to 
 crown all the occurrences and scrapes which 
 we were perpetually meeting and getting in- 
 to, in consequence of his systems and opin- 
 iatry they were of so odd, so mix'd and 
 tragi-comical a contexture That the whole 
 put together, it appears of so different a shade 
 and tint from any tour of Europe, which was 
 ever executed that I will venture to pro- 
 nounce the fault must be mine and mine 
 only if it be not read by all travellers and 
 travel-readers, till travelling is no more, or 
 which comes to the same point till the 
 world, finally, takes it into its head to stand 
 still. - 
 
 -But this rich bale is not to be open'd 
 
 65
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 now; except a small thread or two of it, 
 merely to unravel the mystery of my father's 
 stay at AUXERRE. 
 
 As I have mentioned it 'tis too slight 
 to be kept suspended ; and when 'tis wove in, 
 there is an end of it. 
 
 We'll go, brother Toby, said my father, 
 whilst dinner is coddling to the abby of 
 Saint Germain, if it be only to see these 
 bodies, of which Monsieur Sequier has given 
 such a recommendation. -I'll go see any 
 body, quoth my uncle Toby; for he was all 
 compliance through every step of the jour- 
 ney -Defend me! said my father they 
 
 are all mummies Then one need not 
 
 shave; quoth my uncle Toby Shave 1 no 
 
 cried my father 'twill be more like rela- 
 tions to go with our beards on So out we 
 sallied, the corporal lending his master his 
 arm, and bringing up the rear, to the abby 
 of Saint Germain. 
 
 Every thing is very fine, and very rich, 
 and very superb, and very magnificent, said 
 my father, addressing himself to the sacris- 
 tan, who was a younger brother of the order 
 of Benedictines but our curiosity has led us 
 to see the bodies, of which Monsieur Sequier 
 
 66
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 has given the world so exact a description. 
 The sacristan made a bow, and lighting a 
 torch first, which he had always in the ves- 
 try ready for the purpose; he led us into 
 
 the tomb of St Heribald This, said the 
 
 sacristan, laying his hand upon the tomb, 
 was a renowned prince of the house of 
 Bavaria, who under the successive reigns of 
 Charlemagne, Louis le Debonnair, and Charles 
 the Said, bore a great sway in the govern- 
 ment, and had a principal hand in bringing 
 every thing into order and discipline- 
 Then he has been as great, said my uncle, 
 in the field, as in the cabinet -I dare say 
 he has been a gallant soldier He was a 
 monk said the sacristan. 
 
 My uncle Toby and Trim sought comfort 
 in each other's faces but found it not: my 
 father clapped both his hands upon his cod- 
 piece, which was a way he had when any 
 thing hugely tickled him : for though he 
 hated a monk and the very smell of a 
 monk worse than all the devils in hell- 
 yet the shot hitting my uncle Toby and 
 Trim so much harder than him, 'twas a 
 relative triumph ; and put him into the 
 gayest humour hi the world. 
 
 67
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 And pray what do you call this gen- 
 tleman? quoth my father, rather sportingly: 
 This tomb, said the young Benedictine, look- 
 ing downwards, contains the bones of Saint 
 MAXIMA, who came from Ravenna on pur- 
 pose to touch the body 
 
 Of Saint MAXIMUS, said my father, 
 popping in with his saint before him, they 
 were two of the greatest saints in the whole 
 
 martyrology, added my father Excuse me, 
 
 said the sacristan 'twas to touch the 
 
 bones of Saint Germain, the builder of the 
 abby And what did she get by it? said 
 my uncle Toby What does any woman 
 
 get by it? said my father MARTYRDOME; 
 
 replied the young Benedictine, making a bow 
 down to the ground, and uttering the word 
 with so humble, but decisive a cadence, it 
 disarmed my father for a moment. 'Tis 
 supposed, continued the Benedictine, that St 
 Maxima has lain in this tomb four hundred 
 years, and two hundred before her canoniza- 
 tion -'Tis but a slow rise, brother Toby, 
 quoth my father, in this self-same army of 
 martyrs. A desperate slow one, an' please 
 your honour, said Trim, unless one could pur- 
 chase 1 should rather sell out entirely, 
 
 68
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 quoth my uncle Toby 1 am pretty much 
 
 of your opinion, brother Toby, said my 
 father. 
 
 Poor St Mamma! said my uncle Toby 
 
 low to himself, as we turn'd from her tomb: 
 She was one of the fairest and most beautiful 
 ladies either of Italy or France, continued 
 
 the sacristan But who the duce has got 
 
 lain down here, besides her ? quoth my 
 father, pointing with his cane to a large 
 
 tomb as we walked on It is Saint Optat, 
 
 Sir, answered the sacristan And properly 
 
 is Saint Optat plac'd! said my father: And 
 what is Saint Optafs story ? continued he. 
 Saint Optat, replied the sacristan, was a 
 bishop 
 
 I thought so, by heaven! cried my 
 
 father, interrupting him Saint Opt at f 
 
 how should Saint Optat fail ? so snatching 
 out his pocket-book, and the young Bene- 
 dictine holding him the torch as he wrote, 
 he set it down as a new prop to his system 
 of Christian names, and I will be bold to 
 say, so disinterested was he in the search of 
 truth, that had he found a treasure in Saint 
 Optafs tomb, it would not have made him 
 half so rich: 'Twas as successful a short 
 
 69
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 visit as ever was paid to the dead; and so 
 highly was his fancy pleas 'd with all that 
 had passed in it, that he determined at 
 once to stay another day in Auxerre. 
 
 I'll see the rest of these good gentry 
 to-morrow, said my father, as we cross'd 
 over the square And while you are paying 
 that visit, brother Shandy, quoth my uncle 
 Toby the corporal and I will mount the 
 ramparts. 
 
 N 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 OW this is the most puzzled skein 
 
 of all for in this last chapter, 
 
 as far at least as it has help'd 
 me through Auxerre, I have been getting 
 forwards in two different journies together, 
 and with the same dash of the pen for I 
 have got entirely out of Auxerre in this 
 journey which I am writing now, and I am 
 got half way out of Auxerre in that which 
 I shall write hereafter -There is but a 
 certain degree of perfection in every thing; 
 
 70
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 and by pushing at something beyond that, 
 I have brought myself into such a situation, 
 as no traveller ever stood before me; for I 
 am this moment walking across the market- 
 place of Auxerre with my father and my 
 uncle Toby> in our way back to dinner 
 and I am this moment also entering Lyons 
 with my post-chaise broke into a thousand 
 pieces and I am moreover this moment in 
 a handsome pavillion built by Pringello* 
 upon the banks of the Garonne, which Mons. 
 Sligniac has lent me, and where I now sit 
 rhapsodising all these affairs. 
 
 -Let me collect myself, and pursue 
 my journey. 
 
 *The same Don Pringello, the celebrated Spanish architect, 
 of whom my cousin Antony has made such honourable mention 
 in a scholium to the Tale inscribed to his name. Vid. p. 129, 
 mall edit. 
 
 Tl
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 I AM glad of it, said I, settling the ac- 
 count with myself, as I walk'd into 
 Lyons my chaise being all laid hig- 
 gledy-piggledy with my baggage in a cart, 
 
 which was moving slowly before me 1 
 
 am heartily glad, said I, that 'tis all broke 
 to pieces; for now I can go directly by 
 water to Avignon, which will carry me on 
 a hundred and twenty miles of my journey, 
 
 and not cost me seven livres and from 
 
 thence, continued I, bringing forwards the 
 account, I can hire a couple of mules or 
 asses, if I like, (for nobody knows me) and 
 cross the plains of Languedoc, for almost 
 nothing I shall gain four hundred livres 
 by the misfortune clear into my purse; and 
 pleasure! worth worth double the money 
 by it. With what velocity, continued I, 
 clapping my two hands together, shall I fly 
 down the rapid Rhone, with the VIVARES on 
 my right hand, and DAUPHINY on my left, 
 scarce seeing the ancient cities of VIENNE, 
 
 72
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Valence, and Vivieres. What a flame will 
 it rekindle in the lamp, to snatch a blush- 
 ing grape from the Hermitage and Cote roti, 
 as I shoot by the foot of them! and what a 
 fresh spring in the blood ! to behold upon 
 the banks advancing and retiring, the castles 
 of romance, whence courteous knights have 
 
 whilome rescued the distress 'd and see 
 
 vertiginous, the rocks, the mountains, the 
 cataracts, and all the hurry which Nature is 
 
 in with all her great works about her 
 
 As I went on thus, methought my chaise, 
 the wreck of which look'd stately enough 
 at the first, insensibly grew less and less in 
 its size; the freshness of the painting was no 
 more the gilding lost its lustre and the 
 whole affair appeared so poor in my eyes 
 so sorry! so contemptible! and, in a word, 
 so much worse than the abbess of Andonil- 
 lets 1 itself that I was just opening my 
 mouth to give it to the devil when a pert 
 vamping chaise- undertaker, stepping nimbly 
 across the street, demanded if Monsieur 
 would have his chaise refitted No, no, 
 said I, shaking my head sideways Would 
 Monsieur chuse to sell it? rejoined the un- 
 dertaker With all my soul, said I the 
 
 73
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 iron work is worth forty livres and the 
 glasses worth forty more and the leather 
 you may take to live on. 
 
 What a mine of wealth, quoth I, as he 
 counted me the money, has this post-chaise 
 brought me in ? And this is my usual 
 method of book-keeping, at least with the 
 disasters of life making a penny of every 
 one of 'em as they happen to me 
 
 Do, my dear Jenny, tell the world 
 
 for me, how I behaved under one, the most 
 oppressive of its kind, which could befal me 
 as a man, proud, as he ought to be, of his 
 manhood 
 
 'Tis enough, saidst thou, coming close up 
 to me, as I stood with my garters in my 
 hand, reflecting upon what had not pass'd 
 'Tis enough, Tristram, and I am satis- 
 fied, saidst thou, whispering these words hi 
 mv ear ^^^^ ^^ ^^^^ ^^^ ^^^^^^ . ^^^^ ^^ 
 
 any other man would have sunk down 
 to the center 
 
 Every thing is good for something, 
 quoth I. 
 
 I'll go into Wales for six weeks, and 
 
 drink goat's whey and I'll gain seven years 
 longer life for the accident. For which rea- 
 
 74
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 son I think myself inexcusable, for blaming 
 fortune so often as I have done, for pelt- 
 ing me all my life long, like an ungracious 
 duchess, as I call'd her, with so many small 
 evils: surely if I have any cause to be an- 
 gry with her, 'tis that she has not sent me 
 great ones a score of good cursed, bounc- 
 ing losses, would have been as good as a 
 pension to me. 
 
 One of a hundred a year, or so, is all 
 
 I wish I would not be at the plague of 
 paying land-tax for a larger. 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 TO those who call vexations, VEXATIONS, 
 as knowing what they are, there could 
 not be a greater, than to be the best 
 part of a day at Lyons, the most opulent 
 and flourishing city in France, enriched with 
 the most fragments of antiquity and not 
 be able to see it. To be withheld upon 
 any account, must be a vexation; but to be 
 
 75
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 withheld by a vexation must certainly be, 
 
 what philosophy justly calls 
 
 VEXATION 
 
 UPON 
 
 VEXATION. 
 
 I had got my two dishes of milk coffee 
 (which by the bye is excellently good for 
 a consumption, but you must boil the milk 
 and coffee together otherwise 'tis only cof- 
 fee and milk) and as it was no more than 
 eight in the morning, and the boat did not 
 go off till noon, I had time to see enough 
 of Lyons to tire the patience of all the 
 friends I had in the world with it. I will 
 take a walk to the cathedral, said I, look- 
 ing at my list, and see the wonderful me- 
 chanism of this great clock of Lippius of 
 Basil, in the first place 
 
 Now, of all things in the world, I under- 
 stand the least of mechanism 1 have 
 
 neither genius, or taste, or fancy and have 
 a brain so entirely unapt for every thing of 
 that kind, that I solemnly declare I was 
 
 76
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 never yet able to comprehend the principles 
 of motion of a squirrel cage, or a common 
 knife-grinder's wheel tho' I have many an 
 hour of my life look'd up with great devo- 
 tion at the one and stood by with as much 
 patience as any Christian ever could do, at 
 the other 
 
 I'll go see the surprising movements of 
 this great clock, said I, the very first thing 
 I do: and then I will pay a visit to the 
 great library of the Jesuits, and procure, if 
 possible, a sight of the thirty volumes of 
 the general history of China, wrote (not in 
 the Tartarean) but in the Chinese language, 
 and in the Chinese character too. 
 
 Now I almost know as little of the Chinese 
 language, as I do of the mechanism of Lip- 
 pius's clock-work; so, why these should have 
 jostled themselves into the two first articles 
 of my list I leave to the curious as a 
 problem of Nature. I own it looks like one 
 of her ladyship's obliquities; and they who 
 court her, are interested in finding out her 
 humour as much as I. 
 
 When these curiosities are seen, quoth I, 
 half addressing myself to' my valet de place, 
 who stood behind me 'twill be no hurt
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 if WE go to the church of St Irenceus, and 
 see the pillar to which Christ was tied 
 and after that, the house where Pontius Pilate 
 lived -'Twas at the next town, said the 
 valet de place at Vienne; I am glad of it, 
 said I, rising briskly from my chair, and 
 walking across the room with strides twice 
 as long as my usual pace "for so much 
 the sooner shall I be at the Tomb of the 
 two lovers." 
 
 What was the cause of this movement, 
 and why I took such long strides in utter- 
 ing this - - 1 might leave to the curious 
 too ; but as no principle of clock-work is 
 concerned in it -'twill be as well for the 
 reader if I explain it myself. 
 
 T8
 
 : OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 O! THERE is a sweet sera in the life of 
 man when, (the brain being tender and 
 fibrillous, and more like pap than any 
 thing else) a story read of two fond lovers, 
 separated from each other by cruel parents, 
 and by still more cruel destiny 
 
 Amandus He 
 
 Amanda She 
 
 each ignorant of the other's course, 
 
 He east 
 
 She west 
 
 Amandus taken captive by the Turks, and 
 carried to the emperor of Morocco's court, 
 where the princess of Morocco falling in 
 love with him, keeps him twenty years in 
 prison, for the love of his Amanda. 
 
 She (Amanda) all the time wandering 
 barefoot, and with dishevell'd hair, o'er 
 rocks and mountains, enquiring for Aman- 
 dus - Amandus! Amandus! making 
 
 every hill and valley to echo back his 
 name 
 
 Amandus! Amandus t 
 
 79
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 at every town and city, sitting down for- 
 lorn at the gate Has Amandus! has my 
 
 Amandus enter' d ? till,- -going round, 
 
 and round, and round the world chance 
 
 unexpected bringing them at the same mo- 
 ment of the night, though by different 
 ways, to the gate of Lyons, their native 
 city, and each in well-known accents call- 
 ing out aloud, 
 
 Is Amandus 
 
 , still alive? 
 Is my Amanda 
 
 they fly into each other's arms, and both 
 drop down dead for joy. 
 
 There is a soft asra in every gentle mor- 
 tal's life, where such a story affords more 
 pabulum to the brain, than all the Frusts, 
 and Crusts, and Rusts of antiquity, which 
 travellers can cook up for it. 
 
 'Twas all that stuck on the right side 
 
 of the cullender in my own, of what Spon 
 and others, in their accounts of Lyons, had 
 strained into it; and finding, moreover, in 
 
 some Itinerary, but in what God knows 
 
 That sacred to the fidelity of Amandus and 
 Amanda, a tomb was built without the 
 gates, where, to this hour, lovers called 
 upon them to attest their truths 1 never 
 
 80
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 could get into a scrape of that kind in my 
 life, but this tomb of the lovers would, some- 
 how or other, come in at the close nay 
 
 such a kind of empire had it establish 'd over 
 me, that I could seldom think or speak of 
 Lyons and sometimes not so much as see 
 even a Lyons-waistcoat, but this remnant of 
 antiquity would present itself to my fancy; 
 and I have often said in my wild way of 
 running on tho' I fear with some irrev- 
 erence "I thought this shrine (neglected 
 as it was) as valuable as that of Mecca, and 
 so little short, except in wealth, of the Santa 
 Casa itself, that some time or other, I would 
 go a pilgrimage (though I had no other 
 business at Lyons) on purpose to pay it a 
 visit." 
 
 In my list, therefore, of Videnda at Lyons, 
 this, tho' last, was not, you see, least; so 
 taking a dozen or two of longer strides than 
 usual across my room, just whilst it passed 
 my brain, I walked down calmly into the 
 Basse Cour, in order to sally forth; and 
 having called for my bill as it was uncer- 
 tain whether I should return to my inn, I 
 
 had paid it had moreover given the maid 
 
 ten sous, and was just receiving the dernier 
 
 81
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 compliments of Monsieur Le Blanc, for a 
 
 pleasant voyage down the Rhone when I 
 
 was stopped at the gate 
 
 CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 TWAS by a poor ass, who had just 
 turned in with a couple of large 
 panniers upon his back, to collect 
 eleemosynary turnip- tops and cabbage- lea ves ; 
 and stood dubious, with his two fore-feet on 
 the inside of the threshold, and with his 
 two hinder feet towards the street, as not 
 knowing very well whether he was to go in 
 or no. 
 
 Now, 'tis an animal (be in what hurry I 
 
 may) I cannot bear to strike there is a 
 
 patient endurance of sufferings, wrote so un- 
 affectedly in his looks and carriage, which 
 pleads so mightily for him, that it always 
 disarms me; and to that degree, that I do 
 not like to speak unkindly to him: on the 
 contrary, meet him where I will whether 
 in town or country in cart or under pan- 
 
 82
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 niers whether in liberty or bondage 1 
 
 have ever something civil to say to him on 
 my part; and as one word begets another 
 (if he has as little to do as I) 1 gener- 
 ally fall into conversation with him ; and 
 surely never is my imagination so busy as 
 in framing his responses from the etchings 
 of his countenance! and where those carry 
 
 me not deep enough in flying from my 
 
 own heart into his, and seeing what is nat- 
 ural for an ass to think as well as a man, 
 upon the occasion. In truth, it is the only 
 creature of all the classes of beings below 
 me, with whom I can do this: for parrots, 
 
 jackdaws, &c. 1 never exchange a word 
 
 with them nor with the apes, &c. for 
 
 pretty near the same reason; they act by 
 rote, as the others speak by it, and equally 
 make me silent: nay my dog and my cat, 
 
 though I value them both (and for my 
 
 dog he would speak if he could) yet some- 
 how or other, they neither of them possess 
 the talents for conversation I can make 
 nothing of a discourse with them, beyond 
 the proposition, the reply, and rejoinder, 
 which terminated my father's and my 
 mother's conversations, in his beds of jus- 
 
 83
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 tice and those utter'd there's an end 
 
 of the dialogue 
 
 But with an ass, I can commune for 
 ever. 
 
 Come, Honesty! said I, seeing it was 
 
 impracticable to pass betwixt him and the 
 
 gate art thou for coming in, or going 
 
 out? 
 
 The ass twisted his head round to look 
 up the street 
 
 Well replied I we'll wait a minute for 
 thy driver: 
 
 He turned his head thoughtful about, 
 and looked wistfully the opposite way 
 
 I understand thee perfectly, answered I 
 If thou takest a wrong step in this 
 
 affair, he will cudgel thee to death Well! 
 
 a minute is but a minute, and if it saves a 
 fellow-creature a drubbing, it shall not be 
 set down as ill spent. 
 
 He was eating the stem of an artichoke 
 as this discourse went on, and in the little 
 peevish contentions of nature betwixt hun- 
 ger and unsavouriness, had dropt it out of 
 his mouth half a dozen times, and pick'd it 
 
 up again God help thee, Jack! said I, 
 
 thou hast a bitter breakfast on't and many 
 
 84
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 a bitter day's labour and many a bitter 
 
 blow, I fear, for its wages 'tis all all 
 
 bitterness to thee, whatever life is to others. 
 
 And now thy mouth, if one knew the 
 
 truth of it, is as bitter, I dare say, as soot 
 (for he had cast aside the stem) and thou 
 hast not a friend perhaps in all this world, 
 that will give thee a macaroon. In say- 
 ing this, I pull'd out a paper of 'em, which 
 I had just purchased, and gave him one 
 and at this moment that I am telling it, 
 my heart smites me, that there was more of 
 pleasantry in the conceit, of seeing how an 
 ass would eat a macaroon than of be- 
 nevolence in giving him one, which presided 
 in the act. 
 
 When the ass had eaten his macaroon, I 
 
 press 'd him to come in the poor beast 
 
 was heavily loaded his legs seem'd to 
 
 tremble under him he hung rather back- 
 wards, and as I pull'd at his halter, it broke 
 
 short in my hand he look'd up pensive 
 
 in my face "Don't thrash me with it but 
 
 if you will, you may" If I do, said I, 
 
 I'll be d d. 
 
 The word was but one-half of it pro- 
 nounced, like the abbess of Andouillets'- 
 
 85
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 (so there was no sin in it) when a person 
 coming in, let fall a thundering bastinado 
 upon the poor devil's crupper, which put an 
 end to the ceremony. 
 
 Out upon it! 
 
 cried I but the interjection was equivo- 
 cal and, I think, wrong placed too for 
 
 the end of an osier which had started out 
 from the contexture of the ass's pannier, 
 had caught hold of my breeches pocket, as 
 he rush'd by me, and rent it in the most 
 
 disastrous direction you can imagine so 
 
 that the 
 
 Out upon it! in my opinion, should have 
 come in here but this I leave to be set- 
 tled by 
 
 THE 
 
 which I have brought over along with me 
 for that purpose.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 WHEN all was set to rights, I came 
 down stairs again into the basse cour 
 with my valet de place, in order to 
 sally out towards the tomb of the two 
 lovers, &c. and was a second time stopp'd 
 
 at the gate not by the ass but by the 
 
 person who struck him; and who, by that 
 time, had taken possession (as is not un- 
 common after a defeat) of the very spot of 
 ground where the ass stood. 
 
 It was a commissary sent to me from the 
 post-office, with a rescript in his hand for 
 the payment of some six livres odd sous. 
 
 Upon what account? said I. -'Tis upon 
 the part of the king, replied the commissary, 
 heaving up both his shoulders 
 
 My good friend, quoth I as sure 
 
 as I am I and you are you 
 
 -And who are you? said he.- 
 
 Don't puzzle me; said I. 
 
 87
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIV. 
 
 But it is an indubitable verity, con- 
 tinued I, addressing myself to the commis- 
 sary, changing only the form of my asse- 
 veration that I owe the king of France 
 
 nothing but my good- will; for he is a very 
 honest man, and I wish him all health and 
 pastime in the world 
 
 Pardonnez moi replied the commissary, 
 you are indebted to him six livres four 
 sous, for the next post from hence to St 
 Fons, in your route to Avignon which be- 
 ing a post royal, you pay double for the 
 horses and postillion otherwise 'twould have 
 amounted to no more than three livres, two 
 sous 
 
 But I don't go by land; said I. 
 
 You may if you please; replied the 
 
 commissary 
 
 Your most obedient servant said I, 
 
 making him a low bow 
 
 The commissary, with all the sincerity of 
 
 88
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 grave good breeding made me one, as low 
 
 again. 1 never was more disconcerted 
 
 with a bow in my life. 
 
 -The devil take the serious character 
 of these people! quoth I (aside) they un- 
 derstand no more of IRONY than this 
 
 The comparison was standing close by 
 with his panniers but something seal'd up 
 my lips I could not pronounce the name 
 
 Sir, said I, collecting myself it is not 
 my intention to take post 
 
 But you may said he, persisting in 
 his first reply you may take post if you 
 chuse 
 
 And I may take salt to my pickled 
 herring, said I, if I chuse 
 
 But I do not chuse 
 But you must pay for it, whether you 
 do or no. 
 
 Aye! for the salt; said I (I know) 
 
 And for the post too; added he. De- 
 fend me! cried I 
 
 I travel by water I am going down the 
 Rhone this very afternoon my baggage is 
 in the boat and I have actually paid nine 
 livres for my passage 
 
 C'est tout egal 'tis all one; said he. 
 
 89
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Son Dieul what, pay for the way I go! 
 and for the way I do not go I 
 
 C'est tout egal; replied the commis- 
 
 sary- 
 
 -The devil it is! said I but I will go 
 
 to ten thousand Bastiles first 
 
 England! England? thou land of lib- 
 erty, and climate of good sense, thou ten- 
 derest of mothers and gentlest of nurses, 
 cried I, kneeling upon one knee, as I was 
 beginning my apostrophe. 
 
 When the director of Madam Le Blanc's 
 conscience coming in at that instant, and 
 seeing a person in black, with a face as pale 
 as ashes, at his devotions looking still paler 
 by the contrast and distress of his drapery 
 ask'd, if I stood in want of the aids of the 
 church 
 
 1 go by WATER said I and here's an- 
 other will be for making me pay for going 
 by OIL. 
 
 90
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXXV. 
 
 AS I perceived the commissary of the 
 post-office would have his six livres 
 four sous, I had nothing else for it, 
 but to say some smart thing upon the occa- 
 sion, worth the money: 
 
 And so I set off thus: 
 
 And pray, Mr Commissary, by what 
 
 law of courtesy is a defenceless stranger to 
 be used just the reverse from what you use 
 a Frenchman in this matter? 
 
 By no means; said he. 
 
 Excuse me; said I for you have begun, 
 Sir, with first tearing off my breeches and 
 now you want my pocket 
 
 Whereas had you first taken my pocket, 
 as you do with your own people and then 
 left me bare a 'd after I had been a 
 beast to have complain 'd 
 
 As it is 
 
 'Tis contrary to the law qf nature. 
 
 'Tis contrary to reason. 
 
 'Tis contrary to the GOSPEL. 
 
 91
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 But not to this said he putting a 
 
 printed paper into my hand, 
 
 PAR LE ROY. 
 'Tis a pithy prolegomenon, quoth 
 
 I and so read on 
 
 By all which it appears, quoth I, hav- 
 ing read it over, a little too rapidly, that if 
 a man sets out in a post-chaise from Paris 
 he must go on travelling in one, all the 
 days of his life or pay for it. Excuse me, 
 said the commissary, the spirit of the ordi- 
 nance is this That if you set out with an 
 intention of running post from Paris to 
 Avignon, &c. you shall not change that in- 
 tention or mode of travelling, without first 
 satisfying the fermiers for two posts further 
 than the place you repent at and 'tis 
 founded, continued he, upon this, that the 
 REVENUES are not to fall short through your 
 fickleness 
 
 92
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 O by heavens! cried I if fickleness 
 
 is taxable in France we have nothing to 
 do but to make the best peace with you 
 we can 
 
 AND SO THE PEACE WAS MADE; 
 
 And if it is a bad one as Tristram 
 Shandy laid the corner-stone of it nobody 
 but Tristram Shandy ought to be hanged. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVI. 
 
 THOUGH I was sensible I had said as 
 many clever things to the commissary 
 as came to six livres four sous, yet I 
 was determined to note down the imposi- 
 tion amongst my remarks before I retired 
 from the place; so putting my hand into 
 my coat-pocket for my remarks (which, by 
 the bye, may be a caution to travellers to 
 take a little more care of their remarks for 
 
 the future) "my remarks were stolen" 
 
 Never did sorry traveller make such a pother 
 and racket about his remarks as I did about 
 mine, upon the occasion. 
 
 93
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Heaven! earth! sea! fire! cried I, calling 
 in every thing to my aid but what I should 
 
 My remarks are stolen! what shall I 
 
 do? -Mr. Commissary! pray did I drop 
 any remarks, as I stood besides you? 
 
 You dropp'd a good many very singular 
 ones; replied he Pugh! said I, those 
 were but a few, not worth above six livres 
 two sous but these are a large parcel- 
 He shook his head Monsieur Le Blanc! 
 Madam Le Blanc! did you see any papers 
 of mine? you maid of the house! run up 
 stairs Francois! run up after her 
 
 I must have my remarks they were 
 the best remarks, cried I, that ever were 
 made the wisest the wittiest What shall 
 I do? which way shall I turn myself? 
 
 Sancho Panca, when he lost his ass's FUR- 
 NITURE, did not exclaim more bitterly.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVII. 
 
 WHEN the first transport was over, and 
 the registers of the brain were be- 
 ginning to get a little out of the 
 confusion into which this jumble of cross 
 accidents had cast them it then presently 
 occurr'd to me, that I had left my remarks 
 in the pocket of the chaise and that in 
 selling my chaise, I had sold my remarks 
 along with it, to the chaise-vamper. 
 
 I leave this void space that the 
 reader may swear into it any oath that he 
 
 is most accustomed to For my own part, 
 
 if ever I swore a whole oath into a vacancy 
 in my life, I think it was into that 
 ********* ^ said I and so my remarks 
 through France, which were as full of wit, 
 as an egg is full of meat, and as well worth 
 four hundred guineas, as the said egg is 
 worth a penny have I been selling here to 
 a chaise-vamper for four Louis d'Ors and 
 giving him a post-chaise (by heaven) worth 
 six into the bargain; had it been to Dods- 
 
 95
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 ley, or Becket, or any creditable bookseller, 
 who was either leaving off business, and 
 wanted a post-chaise or who was begin- 
 ning it and wanted my remarks, and two 
 or three guineas along with them I could 
 
 have borne it but to a chaise- vamper ! 
 
 shew me to him this moment, Francois 
 said I The valet de place put on his hat, 
 and led the way and I pull'd off mine, 
 as I pass'd the commissary, and followed 
 him. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVIII. 
 
 WHEN we arrived at the chaise-vamper's 
 house, both the house and the shop 
 were shut up; it was the eighth of 
 September, the nativity of the blessed Virgin 
 Mary, mother of God 
 
 Tantarra-ra-tan-tivi the whole world 
 
 was gone out a May-poling frisking here- 
 capering there nobody cared a button for 
 
 me or my remarks ; so I sat me down upon 
 a bench by the door, philosppjiating upon 
 
 96
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 my condition: by a better fate than usually 
 attends me, I had not waited half an hour, 
 when the mistress came in to take the pa- 
 pilliotes from off her hair, before she went 
 to the May-poles 
 
 The French women, by the bye, love 
 May-poles, a la folie that is, as much as 
 
 their matins give 'em but a May-pole, 
 
 whether in May, June, July, or September 
 
 they never count the times down it goes 
 
 -'tis meat, drink, washing, and lodging 
 
 to 'em and had we but the policy, an' 
 
 please your worships (as wood is a little 
 scarce in France], to send them but plenty 
 of May-poles. 
 
 The women would set them up ; and when 
 they had done, they would dance round them 
 (and the men for company) till they were all 
 blind. 
 
 The wife of the chaise-vamper stepp'd in, 
 I told you, to take the papilliotes from off 
 
 her hair the toilet stands still for no 
 
 man so she jerk'd off her cap, to begin 
 
 with them as she open'd the door, in doing 
 which, one of them fell upon the ground 
 I instantly saw it was my own writ- 
 ing 
 
 97
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 O Seigneur! cried I you have got all 
 my remarks upon your head, Madam! 
 J^en suis bien mortifi&e, said she -'tis 
 well, thinks I, they have stuck there for 
 could they have gone deeper, they would 
 have made such confusion in a French 
 woman's noddle She had better have gone 
 with it unfrizled, to the day of eternity. 
 
 Tenez said she so without any idea of 
 the nature of my suffering, she took them 
 from her curls, and put them gravely one 
 
 by one into my hat one was twisted this 
 
 way another twisted that ey! by my 
 
 faith; and when they are published, quoth 
 
 I,- 
 
 They will be worse twisted stilL 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIX. 
 
 AND now for Lippius's clock! said I, 
 with the air of a man, who had got 
 
 thro' all his difficulties nothing can 
 
 prevent us seeing that, and the Chinese his- 
 tory, &c. except the time, said Francois 
 
 98
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 tor 'tis almost eleven then we must speed 
 the faster, said I, striding it away to the 
 cathedral. 
 
 I cannot say, in my heart, that it gave 
 me any concern in being told by one of 
 the minor canons, as I was entering the 
 west door, That Lippius's great clock was 
 all out of joints, and had not gone for some 
 years - - It will give me the more time, 
 thought I, to peruse the Chinese history; 
 and besides I shall be able to give the 
 world a better account of the clock in its 
 decay, than I could have done in its flour- 
 ishing condition 
 
 And so away I posted to the college 
 of the Jesuits. 
 
 Now it is with the project of getting a 
 peep at the history of China in Chinese 
 characters ajs with many others I could 
 mention, which strike the fancy only at a 
 distance; for as I came nearer and nearer 
 to the point my blood cool'd the freak 
 gradually went off, till at length I would 
 not have given a cherry-stone to have it 
 gratified The truth was, my time was 
 short, and my heart was at the Tomb of 
 the Lovers I wish to God, said I, as I 
 
 99
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 got the rapper in my hand, that the key 
 of the library may be but lost; it fell out 
 
 as well 
 
 Far all the JESUITS had got the cholic 
 and to that degree, as never was known in 
 the memory of the oldest practitioner. 
 
 CHAPTER XL. 
 
 AS I knew the geography of the Tomb 
 of the Lovers, as well as if I had 
 lived twenty years in Lyons, namely, 
 that it was upon the turning of my right 
 hand, just without the gate, leading to the 
 
 Fauxbourg de Vaise 1 dispatched Francois 
 
 to the boat, that I might pay the homage 
 I so long ow'd it, without a witness of my 
 weakness. I walk'd with all imaginable joy 
 
 towards the place when I saw the gate 
 
 which intercepted the tomb, my heart glowed 
 
 within me 
 
 -Tender and faithful spirits ! cried I, 
 addressing myself to Amandus and Amanda 
 long long have I tarried to drop this 
 
 100
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 tear upon your tomb 1 come 1 
 
 come 
 
 When I came there was no tomb to drop 
 it upon. 
 
 What would I have given for my uncle 
 Toby, to have whistled Lillo bullero! 
 
 CHAPTER XLI. 
 
 NO matter how, or in what mood but 
 I flew from the tomb of the lovers 
 or rather I did not fly from it (for 
 there was no such thing existing) and just 
 got time enough to the boat to save my 
 passage; and ere I had sailed a hundred 
 yards, the Rhone and the Saon met together, 
 and carried me down merrily betwixt them. 
 But I have described this voyage down 
 the Rhone before I made it 
 
 -So now I am at Avignon, and as 
 there is nothing to see but the old house, 
 in which the duke of Ormond resided, and 
 nothing to stop me but a short remark 
 upon the place, in three minutes you will 
 
 101
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 .see me crossing the bridge upon a mule, 
 with Francois upon a horse with my port- 
 manteau behind him, and the owner of 
 both, striding the way before us, with a 
 long gun upon his shoulder, and a sword 
 under his arm, lest peradventure we should 
 run away with his cattle. Had you seen 
 
 my breeches in entering Avignon, Though 
 
 you'd have seen them better, I think, as I 
 mounted you would not have thought the 
 precaution amiss, or found in your heart to 
 have taken it in dudgeon: for my own 
 part, I took it most kindly; and deter- 
 mined to make him a present of them, 
 when we got to the end of our journey, 
 for the trouble they had put him to, of 
 arming himself at all points against them. 
 
 Before I go further, let me get rid of 
 my remark upon Avignon, which is this: 
 That I think it wrong, merely because a 
 man's hat has been blown off his head by 
 chance the first night he comes to Avignon, 
 
 that he should therefore say, "Avignon 
 is more subject to high winds than any town 
 in all France:" for which reason I laid no 
 stress upon the accident till I had enquired 
 of the master of the inn about it, who tell 
 
 lot
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 ing me seriously it was so and hearing 
 
 moreover, the windiness of Avignon spoke 
 
 of in the country about as a proverb 1 
 
 set it down, merely to ask the learned what 
 
 can be the cause the consequence I saw 
 
 for they are all Dukes, Marquisses, and 
 
 Counts, there the duce a Baron, in all 
 
 Avignon so that there is scarce any talk- 
 ing to them on a windy day. 
 
 Prithee, friend, said I, take hold of my 
 
 mule for a moment for I wanted to pull 
 
 off one of my jack-boots, which hurt my 
 heel the man was standing quite idle at 
 the door of the inn, and as I had taken it 
 into my head, he was someway concerned 
 about the house or stable, I put the bridle 
 into his hand so begun with the boot: 
 when I had finished the affair, I turned 
 about to take the mule from the man, and 
 
 thank him 
 
 But Monsieur le Marquis had 
 
 walked in- 
 
 108
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XLII. 
 
 I HAD now the whole south of France, 
 from the banks of the Rhone to those 
 of the Garonne, to traverse upon my 
 mule at my own leisure at my own leisure 
 for I had left Death, the Lord knows 
 
 and He only how far behind me 
 
 "I have followed many a man thro' France, 
 quoth he but never at this mettlesome 
 
 rate." Still he followed, and still I 
 
 fled him but I fled him chearfully 
 
 still he pursued but, like one who pur- 
 sued his prey without hope as he lagg'd, 
 
 every step he lost, soften 'd his looks 
 
 why should I fly him at this rate? 
 
 So notwithstanding all the commissary of 
 the post-office had said, I changed the mode 
 of my travelling once more; and, after so 
 precipitate and rattling a course as I had 
 run, I flattered my fancy with thinking of 
 my mule, and that I should traverse the 
 rich plains of Languedoc upon his back, as 
 slowly as foot could fall. 
 
 104
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 There is nothing more pleasing to a trav- 
 eller or more terrible to travel- writers, 
 
 than a large rich plain; especially if it is 
 without great rivers or bridges ; and pre- 
 sents nothing to the eye, but one unvaried 
 picture of plenty: for after they have once 
 told you, that 'tis delicious! or delightful! 
 (as the case happens) that the soil was 
 grateful, and that nature pours out all her 
 abundance, &c. . . . they have then a large 
 plain upon their hands, which they know 
 not what to do with and which is of little 
 or no use to them but to carry them to 
 some town; and that town, perhaps of little 
 more, but a new place to start from to the 
 next plain and so on. 
 
 This is most terrible work; judge if I 
 don't manage my plains better. 
 
 IOC
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XLIII. 
 
 I HAD not gone above two leagues and 
 a half, before the man with his gun 
 began to look at his priming. 
 
 I had three several times loiter 'd terribly 
 behind ; half a mile at least every time ; 
 once, in deep conference with a drum-maker, 
 who was making drums for the fairs of Bau- 
 caira and Tarascone I did not understand 
 the principles 
 
 The second time, I cannot so properly 
 
 say, I stopp'd for meeting a couple of 
 
 Franciscans straitened more for time than 
 myself, and not being able to get to the 
 
 bottom of what I was about 1 had 
 
 turn'd back with them 
 
 The third, was an affair of trade with a 
 gossip, for a hand-basket of Provence figs 
 for four sous; this would have been trans- 
 acted at once; but for a case of conscience 
 at the close of it; for when the figs were 
 paid for, it turn'd out, that there were two 
 dozen of eggs cover 'd over with vine-leaves 
 at the bottom of the basket as I had no 
 
 106
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 intention of buying eggs I made no sort 
 of claim of them as for the space they had 
 occupied what signified it? I had figs enow 
 for my money 
 
 But it was my intention to have the 
 basket it was the gossip's intention to keep 
 it, without which, she could do nothing with 
 
 her eggs and unless I had the basket, I 
 
 could do as little with my figs, which were 
 too ripe already, and most of 'em burst at 
 the side: this brought on a short conten- 
 tion, which terminated in sundry proposals, 
 what we should both do 
 
 How we disposed of our eggs and 
 figs, I defy you, or the Devil himself, had 
 he not been there (which I am persuaded 
 he was), to form the least probable con- 
 jecture: You will read the whole of it 
 
 not this year, for I am hastening to 
 the story of my uncle Toby's amours but 
 you will read it in the collection of those 
 which have arose out of the journey across 
 this plain and which, therefore, I call my 
 
 PLAI N STORIES. 
 
 How far my pen has been fatigued like 
 those of other travellers, in this journey of 
 
 107
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 it, over so barren a track the world must 
 judge but the traces of it, which are now 
 all set o' vibrating together this moment, 
 tell me 'tis the most fruitful and busy 
 period of my life; for as I had made no 
 convention with my man with the gun, as 
 to time by stopping and talking to every 
 soul I met, who was not in a full trot 
 joining all parties before me waiting for 
 every soul behind hailing all those who 
 were coming through cross-roads arresting 
 all kinds of beggars, pilgrims, fiddlers, friars 
 not passing by a woman in a mul- 
 berry-tree without commending her legs, 
 and tempting her into conversation with a 
 
 pinch of snuff In short, by seizing 
 
 every handle, of what size or shape soever, 
 which chance held out to me in this jour- 
 ney I turned my plain into a city I was 
 always in company, and with great variety 
 too; and as my mule loved society as much 
 as myself, and had some proposals always 
 on his part to offer to every beast he met 
 I am confident we could have passed 
 through Patt-Mall, or St James's- Street for 
 a month together, with fewer adventures 
 and seen less of human nature. 
 
 108
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 1 there is that sprightly frankness, which 
 at once unpins every plait of a Languedo- 
 cian's dress that whatever is beneath it, 
 it looks so like the simplicity which poets 
 sing of in better days I will delude my 
 fancy, and believe it is so. 
 
 'Twas in the road betwixt Nismes and 
 Lunel, where there is the best Muscatto 
 wine in all France, and which by the bye 
 belongs to the honest canons of MONTPEL- 
 LIER and foul befal the man who has 
 drank it at their table, who grudges them 
 a drop of it. 
 
 -The sun was set they had done 
 their work; the nymphs had tied up their 
 hair afresh and the swains were preparing 
 
 for a carousal my mule made a dead 
 
 point - ' Tis the fife and tabourin, said 
 I I'm frighten'd to death, quoth he 
 They are running at the ring of pleasure, 
 said I, giving him a prick - - By saint 
 Boogar, and all the saints at the backside 
 of the door of purgatory, said he (making 
 the same resolution with the abbesse of 
 
 Andouillets) I'll not go a step further 
 
 'Tis very well, sir, said I- -I never will 
 argue a point with one of your family, as 
 
 109
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 long as I live; so leaping off his back, and 
 kicking off one boot into this ditch, and 
 t'other into that I'll take a dance, said I 
 so stay you here. 
 
 A sun- burnt daughter of Labour rose up 
 from the groupe to meet me, as I advanced 
 towards them; her hair, which was a dark 
 chesnut, approaching rather to a black, was 
 tied up in a knot, all but a single tress. 
 
 We want a cavalier, said she, holding out 
 both her hands, as if to offer them And a 
 cavalier ye shall have; said I, taking hold 
 of both of them. 
 
 Hadst thou, Nannette, been array 'd like a 
 dutchesse ! 
 
 But that cursed slit in thy petticoat! 
 
 Nannette cared not for it. 
 
 We could not have done without you, 
 said she, letting go one hand, with self- 
 taught politeness, leading me up with the 
 other. 
 
 A lame youth, whom Apollo had recom- 
 pensed with a pipe, and to which he had 
 added a tabourin of his own accord, ran 
 sweetly over the prelude, as he sat upon 
 
 the bank Tie me up this tress instantly, 
 
 said Nannette, putting a piece of string into 
 no
 
 my hand It taught me to forget I was a 
 
 stranger -The whole knot fell down 
 
 We had been seven years acquainted. 
 
 The youth struck the note upon the 
 tabourin his pipe followed, and off we 
 bounded- "the duce take that slit!" 
 
 The sister of the youth, who had stolen 
 her voice from heaven, sung alternately with 
 her brother 'twas a Grascoigne roundelay. 
 
 VIVA LA JOIA! 
 FIDON LA TRISTESSA! 
 
 The nymphs join'd in unison, and their 
 swains an octave below them 
 
 I would have given a crown to have it 
 sew'd up Nannette would not have given 
 a sous Viva lajoiaf was in her lips Viva 
 la joiaf was in her eyes. A transient spark 
 of amity shot across the space betwixt us 
 
 She look'd amiable! -Why could I 
 not live, and end my days thus ? Just 
 Disposer of our joys and sorrows, cried I, 
 why could not a man sit down in the lap 
 
 of content here and dance, and sing, and 
 
 say his prayers, and go to heaven with this 
 nut-brown maid ? Capriciously did she bend 
 
 in
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 her head on one side, and dance up insidi- 
 ous Then 'tis time to dance off, quoth 
 I; so changing only partners and tunes, I 
 danced it away from Lunel to Montpellier 
 
 from thence to Pescnas, Beziers 1 
 
 danced it along through Narbonne, Carcas- 
 son, and Castle Naudairy, till at last I 
 danced myself into PerdrHlo^s pavillion, 
 where pulling out a paper of black lines, 
 that I might go on straight forwards, with- 
 out digression or parenthesis, in my uncle 
 
 Toby's amours 
 
 I begun thus 
 
 119
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENT. 
 BOOK VIII. 
 
 B 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 UT softly for in these sportive 
 
 plains, and under this genial sun, 
 where at this instant all flesh is 
 running out piping, fiddling, and dancing to 
 the vintage, and every step that's taken, the 
 judgment is surprised by the imagination, I 
 defy, notwithstanding all that has been said 
 upon straight lines* in sundry pages of my 
 book I defy the best cabbage planter that 
 ever existed, whether he plants backwards 
 
 *Vid. Vol. Ill, pp. 231, 232. 
 
 113
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 or forwards, it makes little difference in the 
 account (except that he will have more to 
 answer for in the one case than in the 
 other) I defy him to go on coolly, critic- 
 ally, and canonically, planting his cabbages 
 one by one, in straight lines, and stoical dis- 
 tances, especially if slits in petticoats are 
 unsew'd up without ever and anon strad- 
 dling out, or sidling into some bastardly 
 
 digression In Freeze-land, Fog-land, and 
 
 some other lands I wot of it may be 
 done 
 
 But in this clear climate of fantasy and 
 perspiration, where every idea, sensible and 
 insensible, gets vent in this land, my dear 
 Eugenius in this fertile land of chivalry 
 and romance, where I now sit, unskrew- 
 ing my ink-horn to write my uncle Toby's 
 amours, and with all the meanders of 
 JULIA'S track in quest of her DIEGO, in 
 full view of my study window if thou 
 comest not and takest me by the hand 
 
 What a work it is likely to turn out! 
 
 Let us begin it. 
 
 Hi
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 I 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 T is with LOVE as with CUCKOLDOM- 
 
 But now I am talking of beginning a 
 book, and have long had a thing upon 
 my mind to be imparted to the reader, 
 which, if not imparted now, can never be 
 imparted to him as long as I live (whereas 
 the COMPARISON may be imparted to him 
 any hour in the day) I'll just mention 
 it, and begin in good earnest. 
 
 The thing is this. 
 
 That of all the several ways of beginning 
 a book which are now in practice through- 
 out the known world, I am confident my 
 
 own way of doing it is the best I'm 
 
 sure it is the most religious for I begin 
 with writing the first sentence and trust- 
 ing to Almighty God for the second. 
 
 'Twould cure an author for ever of the 
 fuss and folly of opening his street-door, 
 and calling in his neighbours and friends, 
 and kinsfolk, with the devil and all his 
 imps, with their hammers and engines, &c. 
 
 115
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 only to observe how one sentence of mine 
 follows another, and how the plan follows 
 the whole. 
 
 I wish you saw me half starting out of 
 my chair, with what confidence, as I grasp 
 
 the elbow of it, I look up catching the 
 
 idea, even sometimes before it half way 
 reaches me 
 
 I believe in my conscience I intercept 
 many a thought which heaven intended for 
 another man. 
 
 Pope and his Portrait* are fools to me 
 
 no martyr is ever so full of faith or 
 
 fire 1 wish I could say of good works 
 
 too but I have no 
 
 Zeal or Anger or 
 
 Anger or Zeal 
 
 And till gods and men agree together to 
 
 call it by the same name the errantest 
 
 TARTUFFE, in science in politics or in re- 
 ligion, shall never kindle a spark within me, 
 or have a worse word, or a more unkind 
 greeting, than, what he will read in the next 
 chapter. 
 
 * Vid. Pope's Portrait. 
 116
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Bon jour! good-morrow! so you 
 
 have got your cloak on betimes! but 'tis 
 
 a cold morning, and you judge the matter 
 
 rightly 'tis better to be well mounted, 
 
 than go o' foot and obstructions in the 
 
 glands are dangerous And how goes it 
 
 with thy concubine thy wife, and thy 
 little ones o' both sides? and when did you 
 hear from the old gentleman and lady 
 
 your sister, aunt, uncle, and cousins 1 
 
 hope they have got better of their colds, 
 coughs, claps, tooth-aches, fevers, stranguries, 
 sciaticas, swellings, and sore-eyes. 
 
 What a devil of an apothecary! to 
 
 take so much blood give such a vile purge 
 puke poultice plaister night- draught- 
 clyster blister? And why so many grains 
 
 of calomel? santa Maria! and such a dose of 
 opium! periclitating, pardi! the whole family 
 of ye, from head to tail By my great- 
 aunt Dinah's old black velvet mask ! I think 
 there was no occasion for it. 
 
 in
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Now this being a little bald about the 
 chin, by frequently putting off and on, be- 
 fore she was got with child by the coach- 
 man not one of our family would wear it 
 after. To cover the MASK afresh, was more 
 
 than the mask was worth and to wear a 
 
 mask which was bald, or which could be 
 half seen through, was as bad as having no 
 mask at all 
 
 This is the reason, may it please your 
 reverences, that in all our numerous family, 
 for these four generations, we count no 
 more than one archbishop, a Welch judge, 
 some three or four aldermen, and a single 
 mountebank- 
 In the sixteenth century, we boast of no 
 less than a dozen alchymists. 
 
 I 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 is with Love as with Cuckoldom 
 -the suffering party is at least the 
 
 third, but generally the last in the 
 house who knows any thing about the mat- 
 ter: this comes, as all the world knows, 
 
 118
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 from having half a dozen words for one 
 thing; and so long, as what in this vessel 
 of the human frame, is Love may be 
 Hatred, in that Sentiment half a yard 
 higher and Nonsense no, Mad- 
 
 am, not there I mean at the part I am 
 
 now pointing to with my forefinger how 
 
 can we help ourselves? 
 
 Of all mortal, and immortal men too, if 
 you please, who ever soliloquized upon this 
 mystic subject, my uncle Toby was the worst 
 fitted, to have push'd his researches, thro' 
 such a contention of feelings; and he had 
 infallibly let them all run on, as we do 
 worse matters, to see what they would turn 
 out had not Bridget's pre-notification of 
 them to Susannah, and Susannah's repeated 
 manifestoes thereupon to all the world, made 
 it necessary for my uncle Toby to look into 
 the affair. 
 
 119
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 WHY weavers, gardeners, and gladiators 
 or a man with a pined leg (pro- 
 ceeding from some ailment in the 
 foot) should ever have had some tender 
 nymph breaking her heart in secret for 
 them, are points well and duly settled and 
 accounted for, by ancient and modern physi- 
 ologists. 
 
 A water-drinker, provided he is a profess 'd 
 one, and does it without fraud or covin, is 
 precisely in the same predicament : not that, 
 at first sight, there is any consequence, or 
 show of logic in it, "That a rill of cold 
 water dribbling through my inward parts, 
 should light up a torch in my Jenny's 
 
 -The proposition does not strike one; 
 on the contrary, it seems to run opposite 
 to the natural workings of causes and 
 effects 
 
 But it shews the weakness and imbecility 
 of human reason. 
 
 190
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 "And in perfect good health with it?" 
 
 The most perfect, Madam, that friend- 
 ship herself could wish me 
 
 "And drink nothing! nothing but 
 water?" 
 
 Impetuous fluid! the moment thou 
 pressest against the flood-gates of the brain 
 see how they give way! 
 
 In swims CURIOSITY, beckoning to her 
 damsels to follow they dive into the cen- 
 tre of the current 
 
 FANCY sits musing upon the bank, and 
 with her eyes following the stream, turns 
 straws and bulrushes into masts and bow- 
 sprits And DESIRE, with vest held up 
 to the knee in one hand, snatches at them, 
 as they swim by her with the other 
 
 O ye water-drinkers! is it then by this 
 delusive fountain, that ye have so often 
 governed and turn'd this world about like 
 a mill-wheel grinding the faces of the impo- 
 tent be- powdering their ribs be- peppering 
 their noses, and changing sometimes even 
 the very frame and face of nature 
 
 If I was you, quoth Yorick, I would drink 
 more water, Eugenius And, if I was you, 
 Yorick, replied Eugenius, so would I. 
 
 121
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Which shews they had both read Long- 
 inus 
 
 For my own part, I am resolved never to 
 read any book but my own, as long as I 
 live. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 I WISH my uncle Toby had been a 
 water -drinker; for then the thing had 
 been accounted for, That the first mo- 
 ment Widow Wadman saw him, she felt 
 something stirring within her in his favour 
 Something ! something. 
 
 Something perhaps more than friend- 
 ship less than love something no matter 
 what no matter where I would not give 
 a single hair off my mule's tail, and be 
 obliged to pluck it off myself (indeed the 
 villain has not many to spare, and is not a 
 little vicious into the bargain), to be let by 
 your worships into the secret 
 
 But the truth is, my uncle Toby was not 
 a water-drinker ; he drank it neither pure 
 nor mix'd, or any how, or any where, ex- 
 
 122
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 cept fortuitously upon some advanced posts, 
 where better liquor was not to be had 
 or during the time he was under cure; 
 when the surgeon telling him it would 
 extend the fibres, and bring them sooner 
 
 into contact my uncle Toby drank it for 
 
 quietness sake. 
 
 Now as all the world knows, that no effect 
 hi nature can be produced without a cause, 
 and as it is as well known, that my uncle 
 Toby was neither a weaver a gardener, or 
 
 a gladiator unless as a captain, you will 
 
 needs have him one but then he was only 
 a captain of foot and besides, the whole is 
 an equivocation -There is nothing left for 
 us to suppose, but that my uncle Toby's 
 leg -but that will avail us little in the 
 present hypothesis, unless it had proceeded 
 from some ailment in the foot whereas his 
 leg was not emaciated from any disorder in 
 his foot for my uncle Toby's leg was not 
 emaciated at all. It was a little stiff and 
 awkward, from a total disuse of it, for the 
 three years he lay confined at my father's 
 house in town; but it was plump and mus- 
 cular, and in all other respects as good and 
 promising a leg as the other. 
 
 123
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 I declare, I do not recollect any one 
 opinion or passage of my life, where my 
 understanding was more at a loss to make 
 ends meet, and torture the chapter I had 
 been writing, to the service of the chapter 
 following it, than in the present case: one 
 would think I took a pleasure in running 
 into difficulties of this kind, merely to make 
 fresh experiments of getting out of 'em- 
 Inconsiderate soul that thou art! What! are 
 not the unavoidable distresses with which, 
 as an author and a man, thou art hemm'd 
 in on every side of thee are they, Tris- 
 tram, not sufficient, but thou must entangle 
 thyself still more ? 
 
 Is it not enough that thou art in debt, 
 and that thou hast ten cart-loads of thy 
 fifth and sixth volumes 1 * still still unsold, 
 and art almost at thy wit's ends, how to 
 get them off thy hands. 
 
 To this hour art thou not tormented with 
 the vile asthma that thou gattest in skating 
 against the wind in Flanders? and is it but 
 two months ago, that in a fit of laughter, 
 on seeing a cardinal make water like a quir- 
 ister (with both hands) thou brakest a vessel 
 
 * Alluding to the first edition. 
 124,
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 in thy lungs, whereby, in two hours, thou 
 lost as many quarts of blood; and hadst 
 thou lost as much more, did not the faculty 
 
 tell thee it would have amounted to a 
 
 gallon ? 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 But for heaven's sake, let us not talk 
 
 of quarts or gallons let us take the story 
 
 straight before us; it is so nice and intricate 
 a one, it will scarce bear the transposition of 
 a single tittle; and, somehow or other, you 
 have got me thrust almost into the middle 
 of it- 
 
 I beg we may take more care. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 MY uncle Toby and the corporal had 
 posted down with so much heat and 
 precipitation, to take possession of 
 the spot of ground we have so often spoke 
 
 125
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 of, in order to open their campaign as early 
 as the rest of the allies; that they had for- 
 got one of the most necessary articles of 
 the whole affair; it was neither a pioneer's 
 spade, a pickax, or a shovel 
 
 It was a bed to lie on: so that as 
 Shandy Hall was at that time unfurnished ; 
 and the little inn where poor Le Fever 
 died, not yet built; my uncle Toby was 
 constrained to accept of a bed at Mrs Wad- 
 man's, for a night or two, till corporal Trim 
 (who to the character of an excellent valet, 
 groom, cook, sempster, surgeon, and engi- 
 neer, superadded that of an excellent uphol- 
 sterer too), with the help of a carpenter and 
 a couple of taylors, constructed one in my 
 uncle Toby's house. 
 
 A daughter of Eve, for such was widow 
 Wadman, and 'tis all the character I, intend 
 to give of her 
 
 "That she was a perfect woman ' had 
 better be fifty leagues off or in her warm 
 bed or playing with a case-knife or any 
 thing you please than make a man the 
 object of her attention, when the house and 
 all the furniture is her own. 
 
 There is nothing in it out of doors and 
 
 126
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 in broad day-light, where a woman has a 
 power, physically speaking, of viewing a 
 man in more lights than one but here, for 
 her soul, she can see him in no light with- 
 out mixing something of her own goods 
 and chattels along with him till by re- 
 iterated acts of such combination, he gets 
 foisted into her inventory 
 
 And then good night. 
 
 But this is not matter of SYSTEM; for I 
 have delivered that above nor is it mat- 
 ter of BREVIARY for I make no man's 
 
 creed but my own nor matter of FACT 
 
 at least that I know of; but 'tis matter 
 
 copulative and introductory to what follows. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 I DO not speak it with regard to the 
 coarseness or cleanness of them or 
 the strength of their gussets -but 
 pray do not night-shifts differ from day- 
 shifts as much in this particular, as in any 
 
 127
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 thing else in the world; That they so far 
 exceed the others in length, that when you 
 are laid down in them, they fall almost as 
 much below the feet, as the day-shifts fall 
 short of them? 
 
 Widow Wadmari's night-shifts (as was the 
 mode I suppose in King William 's and Queen 
 Anne's reigns) were cut however after this 
 fashion; and if the fashion is changed (for 
 
 in Italy they are come to nothing) so 
 
 much the worse for the public; they were 
 two Flemish ells and a half in length ; so 
 that allowing a moderate woman two ells, 
 she had half an ell to spare, to do what she 
 would with. 
 
 Now from one little indulgence gained 
 after another, in the many bleak and decem- 
 berly nights of a seven years widowhood, 
 things had insensibly come to this pass, and 
 for the two last years had got establish 'd 
 into one of the ordinances of the bed-cham- 
 ber That as soon as Mrs Wadman was put 
 to bed, and had got her legs stretched down 
 to the bottom of it, of which she always 
 gave Bridget notice Bridget, with all suit- 
 able decorum, having first open'd the bed- 
 cloaths at the feet, took hold of the half-ell 
 
 138
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 of cloth we were speaking of, and having 
 gently, and with both her hands, drawn it 
 downwards to its furthest extension, and 
 then contracted it again side-long by four 
 or five even plaits, she took a large corking 
 pin out of her sleeve, and with the point 
 directed towards her, pinn'd the plaits all 
 fast together a little above the hem; which 
 done, she tuck'd all in tight at the feet, 
 and wish'd her mistress a good night. 
 
 This was constant, and without any other 
 variation than this; that on shivering and 
 tempestuous nights, when Bridget untuck' d 
 the feet of the bed, &c. to do this r-she 
 consulted no thermometer but that of her 
 own passions; and so performed it standing 
 kneeling or squatting, according to the 
 different degrees of faith, hope, and charity, 
 she was in, and bore towards her mistress that 
 night. In every other respect, the etiquette 
 was sacred, and might have vied with the 
 most mechanical one of the most inflexible 
 bed-chamber in Christendom. 
 
 The first night, as soon as the corporal 
 had conducted my uncle Toby up stairs, 
 
 which was about ten Mrs Wadman threw 
 
 herself into her arm-chair, and crossing her 
 
 129
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 left knee with her right, which formed a 
 resting-place for her elbow, she reclin'd her 
 cheek upon the palm of her hand, and lean- 
 ing forwards, ruminated till midnight upon 
 both sides of the question. 
 
 The second night she went to her bureau, 
 and having ordered Bridget to bring her up 
 a couple of fresh candles and leave them 
 upon the table, she took out her marriage- 
 settlement, and read it over with great de- 
 votion: and the third night (which was the 
 last of my uncle Toby's stay) when Bridget 
 had pull'd down the night-shift, and was 
 assaying to stick in the corking pin 
 
 With a kick of both heels at once, 
 but at the same time the most natural kick 
 that could be kick'd in her situation for 
 supposing ^******^*tobe the sun 
 in its meridian, it was a north-east kick- 
 she kick'd the pin out of her fingers the 
 
 etiquette which hung upon it, down down 
 
 it fell to the ground, and was shiver 'd into 
 a thousand atoms. 
 
 From all which it was plain that widow 
 Wadman was in love with my uncle Toby. 
 
 130
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 MY uncle Toby's head at that time was 
 full of other matters, so that it was 
 not till the demolition of Dunkirk, 
 when all the other civilities of Europe were 
 settled, that he found leisure to return this. 
 
 This made an armistice (that is speaking 
 with regard to my uncle Toby but with 
 respect to Mrs JFadman, a vacancy) of 
 almost eleven years. But in all cases of 
 this nature, as it is the second blow, hap- 
 pen at what distance of time it will, which 
 
 makes the fray 1 chuse for that reason 
 
 to call these the amours of my uncle Toby 
 with Mrs Wadman, rather than the amours 
 of Mrs Wadman with my uncle Toby. 
 
 This is not a distinction without a differ- 
 ence. 
 
 It is not like the affair of an old hat 
 
 cocked and a cocked old hat, about which 
 
 your reverences have so often been at odds 
 with one another -but there is a differ- 
 ence here in the nature of things 
 
 181
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 And let me tell you, gentry, a wide one 
 too. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 NOW as widow Wadman did love my 
 uncle Toby and my uncle Toby 
 
 did not love widow Wadman, there 
 was nothing for widow Wadman to do, but 
 
 to go on and love my uncle Toby or let 
 
 it alone. 
 
 Widow Wadman would do neither the one 
 
 or the other 
 
 Gracious heaven! but I forget I 
 
 am a little of her temper myself; for when- 
 ever it so falls out, which it sometimes does 
 about the equinoxes, that an earthly goddess 
 is so much this, and that, and t'other, that 
 
 I cannot eat my breakfast for her and 
 
 that she careth not three halfpence whether 
 I eat my breakfast or no 
 
 Curse on her! and so I send her to 
 Tartary, and from Tartary to Terra del 
 Fuogo, and so on to the devil: in short,
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 there is not an infernal nitch where I do 
 not take her divinityship and stick it. 
 
 But as the heart is tender, and the pas- 
 sions in these tides ebb and flow ten times 
 in a minute, I instantly bring her back 
 again; and as I do all things in extremes, 
 I place her in the very centre of the milky- 
 way 
 
 Brightest of stars! thou wilt shed thy in- 
 fluence upon some one 
 
 The duce take her and her influence 
 
 too for at that word I lose all patience 
 
 much good may it do him! By all 
 
 that is hirsute and gashly! I cry, taking off 
 my furr'd cap, and twisting it round my 
 
 finger 1 would not give sixpence for a 
 
 dozen such! 
 
 But 'tis an excellent cap too (putting 
 it upon my head, and pressing it close to 
 my ears) and warm and soft; especially 
 if you stroke it the right way but alas! 
 
 that will never be my luck (so here my 
 
 philosophy is shipwreck 'd again). 
 
 No; I shall never have a finger in 
 the pye (so here I break my metaphor) 
 
 Crust and Crumb 
 
 Inside and out 
 
 J3S
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Top and bottom I detest it, I hate it, 
 
 I repudiate it I'm sick at the sight of 
 
 it- 
 
 'Tis all pepper, 
 garlick, 
 staragen, 
 salt, and 
 
 devil's dung by the great arch- 
 cook of cooks, who does nothing, I think, 
 from morning to night, but sit down by the 
 fire-side and invent inflammatory dishes for 
 us, I would not touch it for the world 
 
 O Tristram! Tristram! cried Jenny. 
 O Jenny! Jenny! replied I, and so went 
 on with the twelfth chapter. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 -"Not touch it for the world," did I 
 say- 
 Lord, how I have heated my imagination 
 with this metaphor I 
 
 1JU
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 WHICH shews, let your reverences and 
 worships say what you will of it (for 
 
 as for thinking all who do think 
 
 think pretty much alike, both upon it and 
 other matters) LOVE is certainly, at least 
 alphabetically speaking, one of the most 
 
 A gitating 
 
 B ewitching 
 
 C onfounded 
 
 D evilish affairs of life the most 
 
 E xtravagant 
 
 F utilitous 
 
 G alligaskinish 
 
 H andy- dandyish 
 
 I racundulous (there is no K to it) and 
 
 L yrical of all human passions: at the 
 same time, the most 
 
 M isgiving 
 
 N innyhammering 
 
 O bstipating 
 
 P ragmatical 
 
 S tridulous 
 
 R idiculous though by the bye the R 
 
 135
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 should have gone first But in short 'tis of 
 such a nature, as my father once told my 
 uncle Toby upon the close of a long dis- 
 sertation upon the subject -"You can 
 scarce," said he, "combine two ideas to- 
 gether upon it, brother Toby, without an 
 hypallage" -What's that? cried my uncle 
 Toby. 
 
 The cart before the horse, replied my 
 father 
 
 And what is he to do there? cried 
 my uncle Toby 
 
 Nothing, quoth my father, but to get in 
 or let it alone. 
 
 Now widow Wadman, as I told you 
 before, would do neither the one or the 
 other. 
 
 She stood however ready harnessed and 
 caparisoned at all points, to watch acci- 
 dents. 
 
 138
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 THE Fates, who certainly all foreknew 
 of these amours of widow Wadman 
 and my uncle Toby, had, from the 
 first creation of matter and motion (and 
 with more courtesy than they usually do 
 things of this kind) established such a chain 
 of causes and effects hanging so fast to one 
 another, that it was scarce possible for my 
 uncle Toby to have dwelt in any other house 
 in the world, or to have occupied any other 
 garden in Christendom, but the very house 
 and garden which join'd and laid parallel to 
 Mrs Wadman's; this, with the advantage of 
 a thickset arbour in Mrs Wadmari's garden, 
 but planted in the hedge-row of my uncle 
 Toby's, put all the occasions into her hands 
 which Love- militancy wanted ; she could 
 observe my uncle Toby's motions, and was 
 mistress likewise of his councils of war; and 
 as his unsuspecting heart had given leave 
 to the corporal, through the mediation of 
 Bridget, to make her a wicker-gate of com- 
 
 137
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 munication to enlarge her walks, it enabled 
 her to carry on her approaches to the very 
 door of the sentry-box; and sometimes out 
 of gratitude, to make an attack, and en- 
 deavour to blow my uncle Toby up in the 
 very sentry-box itself. 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 IT is a great pity but 'cis certain from 
 every day's observation of man, that 
 he may be set on fire like a candle, at 
 either end provided there is a sufficient 
 wick standing out; if there is not there's 
 an end of the affair; and if there is by 
 lighting it at the bottom, as the flame in 
 that case has the misfortune generally to 
 put out itself there's an end of the affair 
 again. 
 
 For my part, could I always have the 
 ordering of it which way I would be burnt 
 myself for I cannot bear the thoughts of 
 being burnt like a beast I would oblige a 
 housewife constantly to light me at the topi 
 
 138
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 for then I should burn down decently to 
 the socket; that is, from my head to my 
 heart, from my heart to my liver, from my 
 liver to my bowels, and so on by the mese- 
 raick veins and arteries, through all the turns 
 and lateral insertions of the intestines and 
 
 their tunicles, to the blind gut 
 
 I beseech you, doctor Slop, quoth my 
 uncle Toby, interrupting him as he mentioned 
 the blind gut, in a discourse with my father 
 the night my mother was brought to bed of 
 me I beseech you, quoth my uncle Toby, 
 to tell me which is the blind gut; for, old 
 as I am, I vow I do not know to this day 
 where it lies. 
 
 The blind gut, answered doctor Slop, lies 
 betwixt the Ilion and Colon 
 
 In a man? said my father. 
 
 -'Tis precisely the same, cried doctor 
 Slop, in a woman. 
 
 That's more than I know; quoth my 
 father. 
 
 139
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 And so to make sure of both sys- 
 tems, Mrs Wadman predetermined to light 
 my uncle Toby neither at this end or that; 
 but, like a prodigal's candle, to light him, 
 if possible, at both ends at once. 
 
 Now, through all the lumber rooms of 
 military furniture, including both of horse 
 and foot, from the great arsenal of Venice 
 to the Tower of London (exclusive), if Mrs 
 Wadman had been rummaging for seven 
 years together, and with Bridget to help 
 her, she could not have found any one 
 blind or mantelet so fit for her purpose, as 
 that which the expediency of my uncle 
 Toby's affairs had fix'd up ready to her 
 hands. 
 
 I believe I have not told you but I 
 
 don't know possibly I have be it as 
 
 it will, 'tis one of the number of those 
 many things, which a man had better do 
 over again, than dispute about it That 
 whatever town or fortress the corporal was 
 at work upon, during the course of their
 
 campaign, my uncle Toby always took care, 
 on the inside of his sentry-box, which was 
 towards his left hand, to have a plan of the 
 place, fasten 'd up with two or three pins at 
 the top, but loose at the bottom, for the 
 conveniency of holding it up to the eye, &c. 
 . . . as occasions required; so that when an 
 attack was resolved upon, Mrs Wadman had 
 nothing more to do, when she had got ad- 
 vanced to the door of the sentry-box, but 
 to extend her right hand ; and edging in 
 her left foot at the same movement, to 
 take hold of the map or plan, or upright, 
 or whatever it was, and with out-stretched 
 neck meeting it half way, to advance it 
 towards her ; on which my uncle Toby's 
 
 passions were sure to catch fire for he 
 
 would instantly take hold of the other cor- 
 ner of the map in his left hand, and with 
 the end of his pipe in the other, begin an 
 explanation. 
 
 When the attack was advanced to this 
 
 point; the world will naturally enter into 
 
 the reasons of Mrs Wad/man's next stroke 
 of generalship which was, to take my 
 uncle Toby's tobacco-pipe out of his hand 
 as soon as she possibly could; which, under 
 
 141
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 one pretence or other, but generally that of 
 pointing more distinctly at some redoubt or 
 breastwork in the map, she would effect be- 
 fore my uncle Toby (poor soul!) had well 
 march 'd above half a dozen toises with it. 
 
 It obliged my uncle Toby to make use 
 of his forefinger. 
 
 The difference it made in the attack was 
 this; That in going upon it, as in the first 
 case, with the end of her forefinger against 
 the end of my uncle Toby's tobacco-pipe, 
 she might have travelled with it, along the 
 lines, from Dan to Beersheba, had my uncle 
 Toby's lines reach 'd so far, without any 
 effect: For as there was no arterial or vital 
 heat in the end of the tobacco-pipe, it could 
 
 excite no sentiment it could neither give 
 
 fire by pulsation or receive it by sym- 
 pathy 'twas nothing but smoke. 
 
 Whereas, in following my uncle Toby's 
 forefinger with hers, close thro' all the little 
 turns and indentings of his works press- 
 ing sometimes against the side of it then 
 
 treading upon its nail then tripping it 
 
 up then touching it here then there, 
 
 and so on it set something at least in 
 
 motion. 
 
 142
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 This, tho' slight skirmishing, and at a dis- 
 tance from the main body, yet drew on the 
 rest; for here, the map usually falling with 
 the back of it, close to the side of the 
 sentry-box, my uncle Toby, in the sim- 
 plicity of his soul, would lay his hand flat 
 upon it, in order to go on with his explana- 
 tion; and Mrs Wadman, by a manoeuvre as 
 quick as thought, would as certainly place 
 her's close beside it: this at once opened a 
 communication, large enough for any sen- 
 timent to pass or repass, which a person 
 skill' d in the elementary and practical part 
 of love-making, has occasion for 
 
 By bringing up her forefinger parallel (as 
 before) to my uncle Toby's it unavoid- 
 ably 'brought the thumb into action and 
 
 the forefinger and thumb being once en- 
 gaged, as naturally brought in the whole 
 hand. Thine, dear uncle Toby! was never 
 
 now in its right place Mrs Wadman had 
 
 it ever to take up, or, with the gentlest 
 pushings, protrusions, and equivocal com- 
 pressions, that a hand to be removed is 
 capable of receiving to get it press 'd a 
 hair breadth of one side out of her way. 
 
 Whilst this was doing, how could she 
 
 143
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 forget to make him sensible, that it was 
 her leg (and no one's else) at the bottom 
 of the sentry-box, which slightly press'd 
 
 against the calf of his So that my uncle 
 
 Toby being thus attacked and sore push'd 
 
 on both his wings was it a wonder, if 
 
 now and then, it put his centre into dis- 
 order ? 
 
 -The duce take it ! said my uncle 
 
 Toby. 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 THESE attacks of Mrs Wadman, you 
 will readily conceive to be of different 
 kinds; varying from each other, like 
 the attacks which history is full of, and 
 from the same reasons. A general looker- 
 on, would scarce allow them to be attacks 
 
 at all or if he did, would confound them 
 
 all together but I write not to them: it 
 
 will be time enough to be a little more 
 exact in my descriptions of them, as I 
 come up to them, which will not be for 
 
 1U
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 some chapters; having nothing more to add 
 in this, but that in a bundle of original 
 papers and drawings which my father took 
 care to roll up by themselves, there is a 
 plan of Bouchain in perfect preservation 
 (and shall be kept so, whilst I have power 
 to preserve any thing), upon the lower cor- 
 ner of which, on the right hand side, there 
 is still remaining the marks of a snuffy fin- 
 ger and thumb, which there is all the reason 
 in the world to imagine, were Mrs Wad- 
 man's; for the opposite side of the margin, 
 which I suppose to have been my uncle 
 Toby's, is absolutely clean: This seems an 
 authenticated record of one of these attacks; 
 for there are vestigia of the two punctures 
 partly grown up, but still visible on the op- 
 posite corner of the map, which are unques- 
 tionably the very holes, through which it has 
 
 been pricked up in the sentry-box 
 
 By all that is priestly! I value this pre- 
 cious relick, with its stigmata and pricks, 
 more than all the relicks of the Romish 
 
 church always excepting, when I am 
 
 writing upon these matters, the pricks 
 which entered the flesh of St Radagunda 
 in the desert, which in your road from 
 
 145
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 FESSE to CLUNY, the nuns of that name 
 will shew you for love. 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 I THINK, an' please your honour, quoth 
 Trim, the fortifications are quite de- 
 stroyed- -and the bason is upon a 
 level with the mole I think so too; re- 
 plied my uncle Toby with a sigh half sup- 
 press'd but step into the parlour, Trim, 
 
 for the stipulation it lies upon the table. 
 
 It has lain there these six weeks, replied 
 the corporal, till this very morning that the 
 old woman kindled the fire with it 
 
 -Then, said my uncle Toby, there is 
 no further occasion for our services. The 
 more, an' please your honour, the pity, said 
 the corporal; in uttering which he cast his 
 spade into the wheel-barrow, which was be- 
 side him, with an air the most expressive 
 of disconsolation that can be imagined, and 
 was heavily turning about to look for his 
 pickax, his pioneer's shovel, his picquets and 
 
 146
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 other little military stores, in order to carry 
 
 them off the field when a heigh-ho! 
 
 from the sentry-box, which, being made of 
 thin slit deal, reverberated the sound more 
 sorrowfully to his ear, forbad him. 
 
 No ; said the corporal to himself, I'll 
 do it before his honour rises to-morrow 
 morning; so taking his spade out of the 
 wheel-barrow again, with a little earth in 
 it, as if to level something at the foot of 
 the glacis but with a real intent to ap- 
 proach nearer to his master, in order to 
 divert him he loosen 'd a sod or two- 
 pared their edges with his spade, and hav- 
 ing given them a gentle blow or two with 
 the back of it, he sat himself down close 
 by my uncle Toby's feet, and began as fol- 
 lows. 
 
 147
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 IT was a thousand pities though I be- 
 lieve, an' please your honour, I am 
 going to say but a foolish kind of a 
 thing for a soldier 
 
 A soldier, cried my uncle Toby, inter- 
 rupting the corporal, is no more exempt 
 from saying a foolish thing, Trim, than a 
 
 man of letters But not so often, an' 
 
 please your honour, replied the corporal 
 
 My uncle Toby gave a nod. 
 
 It was a thousand pities then, said the 
 corporal, casting his eye upon Dunkirk, and 
 the mole, as Servius Sulpicius, in returning 
 out of Asia (when he sailed from ^Egina 
 towards Megard), did upon Corinth and 
 Pyreus 
 
 "It was a thousand pities, an' please 
 
 your honour, to destroy these works 
 
 and a thousand pities to have let them 
 stood. "- 
 
 Thou art right, Trim, in both cases; 
 said my uncle Toby. This, continued the 
 
 us
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 corporal, is the reason, that from the begin- 
 ning of their demolition to the end 1 
 
 have never once whistled, or sung, or 
 laugh'd, or cry'd, or talk'd of past done 
 deeds, or told your honour one story good 
 or bad 
 
 Thou hast many excellencies, Trim, 
 
 said my uncle Toby, and I hold it not the 
 least of them, as thou happenest to be a 
 story-teller, that of the number thou hast 
 told me, either to amuse me in my pain- 
 ful hours, or divert me in my grave ones 
 thou hast seldom told me a bad one 
 
 Because, an' please your honour, ex- 
 cept one of a King of Bohemia and his 
 seven castles, they are all true; for they 
 are about myself 
 
 I do not like the subject the worse, 
 Trim, said my uncle Toby, on that score: 
 But prithee what is this story? thou hast 
 excited my curiosity. 
 
 I'll tell it your honour, quoth the cor- 
 poral, directly -- Provided, said my uncle 
 Toby, looking earnestly towards Dunkirk 
 
 and the mole again provided it is not a 
 
 merry one; to such, Trim, a man should 
 ever bring one half of the entertainment 
 
 149
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 along with him; and the disposition I am 
 in at present would wrong both thee, Trim, 
 and thy story It is not a merry one by 
 any means, replied the corporal Nor would 
 I have it altogether a grave one, added my 
 
 uncle Toby It is neither the one nor the 
 
 other, replied the corporal, but will suit your 
 
 honour exactly Then I'll thank thee for 
 
 it with all my heart, cried my uncle Toby; 
 so prithee begin it, Trim. 
 
 The corporal made his reverence ; and 
 though it is not so easy a matter as the 
 world imagines, to pull off a lank Montero- 
 
 cap with grace or a whit less difficult, in 
 
 my conceptions, when a man is sitting squat 
 upon the ground, to make a bow so teem- 
 ing with respect as the corporal was wont, 
 yet by suffering the palm of his right hand, 
 which was towards his master, to slip back- 
 wards upon the grass, a little beyond his 
 body, in order to allow it the greater sweep 
 
 and by an unforced compression, at the 
 
 same time, of his cap with the thumb and 
 the two forefingers of his left, by which the 
 diameter of the cap became reduced, so that 
 it might be said, rather to be insensibly 
 squeez'd than pull'd off with a flatus 
 
 150
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 the corporal acquitted himself of both in a 
 better manner than the posture of his affairs 
 promised ; and having hemmed twice, to find 
 in what key his story would best go, and best 
 suit his master's humour, he exchanged a 
 single look of kindness with him, and set off 
 thus. 
 
 THE STORY OP THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND 
 HIS SEVEN CASTLES. 
 
 T 
 
 HERE was a certain king of Bo - - 
 he- 
 
 As the corporal was entering the con- 
 fines of Bohemia, my uncle Toby obliged 
 him to halt for a single moment; he had 
 set out bare-headed, having since he pull'd 
 off his Montero-c&p in the latter end of the 
 last chapter, left it lying beside him on the 
 ground. 
 
 -The eye of Goodness espieth all 
 
 things so that before the corporal had 
 
 well got through the first five words of his 
 story, had my uncle Toby twice touch 'd his 
 Montero-csqy with the end of his cane, in- 
 terrogatively -as much as to say, Why 
 
 161
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 don't you put it on, Trim? Trim took it 
 up with the most respectful slowness, and 
 casting a glance of humiliation as he did it, 
 upon the embroidery of the fore-part, which 
 being dismally tarnish 'd and fray'd more- 
 over in some of the principal leaves and 
 boldest parts of the pattern, he lay'd it 
 down again between his two feet, in order 
 to moralize upon the subject. 
 
 'Tis every word of it but too true, 
 
 cried my uncle Toby, that thou art about 
 to observe 
 
 "Nothing in this world, Trim, is made to 
 last for ever." 
 
 But when tokens, dear Tom, of thy 
 
 love and remembrance wear out, said Trim, 
 what shall we say? 
 
 There is no occasion, Trim, quoth my 
 uncle Toby, to say any thing else; and was 
 a man to puzzle his brains till Doom's day, 
 I believe, Trim, it would be impossible. 
 
 The corporal perceiving my uncle Toby 
 was in the right, and that it would be in 
 vain for the wit of man to think of extract- 
 ing a purer moral from his cap, without 
 further attempting it, he put it on ; and 
 passing his hand across his forehead to rub 
 
 152
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 out a pensive wrinkle, which the text and 
 the doctrine between them had engender 'd, 
 he return 'd, with the same look and tone of 
 voice, to his story of the king of Bohemia 
 and his seven castles. 
 
 THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND 
 HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED. 
 
 THERE was a certain king of Bohemia, 
 but in whose reign, except his own, I 
 
 am not able to inform your honour 
 
 I do not desire it of thee, Trim, by any 
 means, cried my uncle Toby. 
 
 It was a little before the time, an' 
 please your honour, when giants were be- 
 ginning to leave off breeding: but in what 
 year of our Lord that was 
 
 I would not give a halfpenny to know, 
 said my uncle Toby. 
 
 Only, an' please your honour, it makes 
 
 a story look the better in the face 
 
 -'Tis thy own, Trim, so ornament it 
 after thy own fashion; and take any date, 
 continued my uncle Toby, looking pleasantly 
 upon him take any date in the whole world
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 thou chusest, and put it to thou art heartily 
 welcome 
 
 The corporal bowed; for of every century, 
 and of every year of that century, from the 
 first creation of the world down to Noah's 
 flood ; and from Noah's flood to the birth of 
 Abraham; through all the pilgrimages of the 
 patriarchs, to the departure of the Israelites 
 
 out of Egypt and throughout all the 
 
 Dynasties, Olympiads, Urbeconditas, and 
 other memorable epochas of the different 
 nations of the world, down to the coming 
 of Christ, and from thence to the very 
 moment in which the corporal was telling 
 
 his story had my uncle Toby subjected 
 
 this vast empire of time and all its abysses 
 at his feet; but as MODESTY scarce touches 
 with a finger what LIBERALITY offers her 
 with both hands open the corporal con- 
 tented himself with the very worst year of 
 the whole bunch; which, to prevent your 
 honours of the Majority and Minority from 
 tearing the very flesh off your bones in con- 
 testation, * Whether that year is not always 
 the last cast-year of the last cast-almanack' 
 I tell you plainly it was; but from a 
 different reason than you wot of 
 
 154
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 It was the year next him which 
 
 heing the year of our Lord seventeen hun- 
 dred and twelve, when the Duke of Ormond 
 
 was playing the devil in Flanders the 
 
 corporal took it, and set out with it afresh 
 on his expedition to Bohemia. 
 
 THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND 
 HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED. 
 
 I 
 
 N the year of our Lord one thousand 
 seven hundred and twelve, there was, 
 an' please your honour 
 
 -To tell thee truly, Trim, quoth my 
 uncle Toby, any other date would have 
 pleased me much better, not only on ac- 
 count of the sad stain upon our history 
 that year, in marching off our troops, and 
 refusing to cover the siege of Quesnoi, 
 though Fagel was carrying on the works 
 with such incredible vigour but likewise 
 on the score, Trim, of thy own story; be- 
 cause if there are and which, from what 
 thou hast dropt, I partly suspect to be the 
 fact if there are giants in it 
 
 1A6
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 There is but one, an' please your hon- 
 our 
 
 -'Tis as bad as twenty, replied my 
 
 uncle Toby thou should 'st have carried 
 
 him back some seven or eight hundred 
 years out of harm's way, both of critics 
 and other people; and therefore I would 
 
 advise thee, if ever thou tellest it again 
 
 If I live, an' please your honour, but 
 
 once to get through it, I will never tell it 
 again, quoth Trim, either to man, woman, 
 
 or child Poo poo! said my uncle Toby 
 
 but with accents of such sweet encourage- 
 ment did he utter it, that the corporal went 
 on with his story with more alacrity than 
 ever. 
 
 THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND 
 HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED. 
 
 THERE was, an' please your honour, 
 said the corporal, raising his voice, 
 and rubbing the palms of his two 
 hands cheerily together as he begun, a cer- 
 tain king of Bohemia 
 
 156
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Leave out the date entirely, Trim, 
 
 quoth my uncle Toby, leaning forwards, and 
 laying his hand gently upon the corporal's 
 shoulder to temper the interruption leave 
 it out entirely, Trim; a story passes very 
 well without these niceties, unless one is 
 
 pretty sure of 'em Sure of 'em! said the 
 
 corporal, shaking his head 
 
 Right; answered my uncle Toby, it is not 
 easy, Trim, for one, bred up as thou and I 
 have been to arms, who seldom looks fur- 
 ther forward than to the end of his musket, 
 or backwards beyond his knapsack, to know 
 
 much about this matter God bless your 
 
 honour! said the corporal, won by the man- 
 ner of my uncle Toby's reasoning, as much 
 as by the reasoning itself, he has something 
 else to do; if not on action, or a march, 
 or upon duty in his garrison he has his 
 firelock, an' please your honour, to furbish 
 his accoutrements to take care of his regi- 
 mentals to mend himself to shave and 
 keep clean, so as to appear always like what 
 he is upon the parade; what business, added 
 the corporal triumphantly, has a soldier, an' 
 please your honour, to know any thing at 
 all of geography 1 ? 
 
 157
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Thou would 'st have said chronology, 
 
 Trim, said my uncle Toby; for as for geog- 
 raphy, 'tis of absolute use to him; he must 
 be acquainted intimately with every country 
 and its boundaries where his profession car- 
 ries him ; he should know every town and 
 city, and village and hamlet, with the canals, 
 the roads, and hollow ways which lead up 
 to them; there is not a river or a rivulet 
 he passes, Trim, but he should be able at 
 first sight to tell thee what is its name 
 in what mountains it takes its rise what is 
 its course how far it is navigable where 
 fordable where not; he should know the 
 fertility of every valley, as well as the hind 
 who ploughs it; and be able to describe, 
 or, if it is required, to give thee an exact 
 map of all the plains and defiles, the forts, 
 the acclivities, the woods and morasses, thro' 
 and by which his army is to march; he 
 should know their produce, their plants, 
 their minerals, their waters, their animals, 
 their seasons, their climates, their heats and 
 cold, their inhabitants, their customs, their 
 language, their policy, and even their re- 
 ligion. 
 
 Is it else to be conceived, corporal, con- 
 
 158
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 tinued my uncle Toby, rising up in his sen- 
 try-box, as he began to warm in this part 
 of his discourse how Marlborough could 
 have marched his army from the banks of 
 the Maes to Belburg; from Belburg to 
 Kerpenord (here the corporal could sit no 
 longer) from Kerpenord, Trim, to Kalsaken; 
 from Kcdsaken to Newdorf; from Newdorf 
 to Ladenbourg; from Ladenbourg to Milden- 
 heim; from Mildenheim to Elchingen; from 
 Elchingen to Gingen; from Gingen to Bal- 
 merchoffen; from B aimer choff en to Skellen- 
 burg, where he broke in upon the enemy's 
 works; forced his passage over the Danube; 
 cross'd the Lech push'd on his troops into 
 the heart of the empire, marching at the 
 head of them through Fribourg, Hokenwert, 
 and Schonevelt, to the plains of Blenheim 
 
 and Hochstet? Great as he was, corporal, 
 
 he could not have advanced a step, or made 
 one single day's march, without the aids of 
 
 Geography. As for Chronology, I own, 
 
 Trim, continued my uncle Toby, sitting 
 down again coolly in his sentry-box, that 
 of all others, it seems a science which the 
 soldier might best spare, was it not for the 
 lights which that science must one day give 
 
 159
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 him, in determining the invention of pow- 
 der; the furious execution of which, ren- 
 versing every thing like thunder before it, 
 has become a new aera to us of military 
 improvements, changing so totally the na- 
 ture of attacks and defences both by sea 
 and land, and awakening so much art and 
 skill in doing it, that the world cannot be 
 too exact in ascertaining the precise time of 
 its discovery, or too inquisitive in knowing 
 what great man was the discoverer, and 
 what occasions gave birth to it. 
 
 I am far from controverting, continued 
 my uncle Toby, what historians agree in, 
 that in the year of our Lord 1380, under 
 the reign of Wencelaus, son of Charles the 
 
 Fourth a certain priest, whose name was 
 
 Schwartz, shew'd the use of powder to the 
 Venetians, in their wars against the Genoese; 
 but 'tis certain he was not the first; because, 
 if we are to believe Don Pedro, the bishop 
 of Leon How came priests and bishops, an' 
 please your honour, to trouble their heads 
 so much about gun- powder ? God knows, 
 
 said my uncle Toby- his providence brings 
 
 good out of every thing and he avers, in 
 his chronicle of King Alphonsus, who re-r 
 
 160
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 duced Toledo, That in the year 1343, which 
 was full thirty-seven years before that time, 
 the secret of powder was well known, and 
 employed with success, both by Moors and 
 Christians, not only in their sea-combats, at 
 that period, but in many of their most 
 memorable sieges in Spain and Barbary 
 And all the world knows, that Friar Bacon 
 had wrote expressly about it, and had gen- 
 erously given the world a receipt to make 
 it by, above a hundred and fifty years be- 
 fore even Schwartz was born And that the 
 Chinese, added my uncle Toby, embarrass us, 
 and all accounts of it, still more, by boast- 
 ing of the invention some hundreds of years 
 
 even before him 
 
 They are a pack of liars, I believe, cried 
 
 Trim 
 
 -They are somehow or other deceived, 
 said my uncle Toby, in this matter, as is 
 plain to me from the present miserable 
 state of military architecture amongst them; 
 which consists of nothing more than a fosse 
 with a brick wall without flanks and for 
 what they gave us as a bastion at each 
 angle of it, 'tis so barbarously constructed, 
 that it looks for all the world 
 
 161
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Like one of my seven castles, an' please 
 your honour, quoth Trim. 
 
 My uncle Toby, tho' in the utmost dis- 
 tress for a comparison, most courteously 
 refused Trim's offer till Trim telling him, 
 he had half a dozen more in Bohemia, which 
 
 he knew not how to get off his hands 
 
 my uncle Toby was so touch 'd with the 
 pleasantry of heart of the corporal that 
 he discontinued his dissertation upon gun- 
 powder and begged the corporal forth- 
 with to go on with his story of the King 
 of Bohemia and his seven castles. 
 
 THE STORY OP THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND 
 HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED. 
 
 THIS unfortunate King of Bohemia, said 
 Trim, Was he unfortunate, then? 
 cried my uncle Toby, for he had been 
 so wrapt up in his dissertation upon gun- 
 powder, and other military affairs, that tho' 
 he had desired the corporal to go on, yet 
 the many interruptions he had given, dwelt 
 not so strong upon his fancy, as to account 
 
 162
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 for the epithet Was he unfortunate, then, 
 
 Trim? said my uncle Toby, pathetically 
 
 The corporal, wishing first the word and all 
 its synonimas at the devil, forthwith began 
 to run back in his mind, the principal events 
 in the King of Bohemia's story; from every 
 one of which, it appearing that he was the 
 most fortunate man that ever existed in the 
 world it put the corporal to a stand: for 
 
 not caring to retract his epithet and less, 
 
 to explain it and least of all, to twist his 
 
 tale (like men of lore) to serve a system 
 
 he looked up in my uncle Toby's face for 
 assistance- -but seeing it was the very 
 thing, my uncle Toby sat in expectation of 
 
 himself after a hum and a haw, he went 
 
 on 
 
 The King of Bohemia, an' please your 
 honour, replied the corporal, was unfortu- 
 nate, as thus -That taking great pleasure 
 and delight in navigation and all sort of sea 
 affairs- -and there happening- throughout 
 the whole kingdom of Bohemia, to be no 
 sea- port town whatever- 
 How the duce should there Trim? cried 
 my uncle Toby; for Bohemia being totally 
 inland, it could have happen 'd no other- 
 
 163
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 wise - - It might ; said Trim, if it had 
 pleased God 
 
 My uncle Toby never spoke of the being 
 and natural attributes of God, but with dif- 
 fidence and hesitation 
 
 I believe not, replied my uncle Toby, 
 
 after some pause for being inland, as I 
 
 said, and having Silesia and Moravia to the 
 east ; Lusatia and Upper Saxony to the 
 north; Franconia to the west; Bavaria to 
 the south; Bohemia could not have been 
 propell'd to the sea, without ceasing to be 
 
 Bohemia nor could the sea, on the other 
 
 hand, have come up to Bohemia, without 
 overflowing a great part of Germany, and 
 destroying millions of unfortunate inhabit- 
 ants who could make no defence against it 
 Scandalous! cried Trim Which would 
 bespeak, added my uncle Toby, mildly, such 
 a want of compassion in him who is the 
 
 father of it that, I think, Trim the 
 
 thing could have happen' d no way. 
 
 The corporal made the bow of unfeigned 
 conviction; and went on. 
 
 Now the King of Bohemia with his queen 
 and courtiers happening one fine summer's 
 evening to walk out Aye ! there the 
 
 164
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 wowl happening is right, Trim, cried my 
 uncle Toby; for the King of Bohemia and 
 his queen might have walk'd out or let it 
 
 alone ; 'twas a matter of contingency, 
 
 which might happen, or not, just as chance 
 ordered it. 
 
 King William was of an opinion, an' please 
 your honour, quoth Trim, that every thing 
 was predestined for us in this world; inso- 
 much, that he would often say to his sol- 
 diers, that ' ' every ball had its billet. ' ' He 
 
 was a great man, said my uncle Toby 
 
 And I believe, continued Trim, to this day, 
 that the shot which disabled me at the 
 battle of Landen, was pointed at my knee 
 for no other purpose, but to take me out 
 of his service, and place me in your hon- 
 our's, where I should be taken so much 
 better care of in my old age It shall 
 never, Trim, be construed otherwise, said 
 my uncle Toby. 
 
 The heart, both of the master and the 
 man, were alike subject to sudden overflow- 
 ings; a short silence ensued. 
 
 Besides, said the corporal, resuming the 
 
 discourse but in a gayer accent if it 
 
 had not been for that single shot, I had 
 
 165
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 never, an' please your honour, been in 
 love 
 
 So, thou wast once in love, Trim! said 
 my uncle Toby, smiling 
 
 Souse ! replied the corporal over head 
 and ears! an' please your honour. Prithee 
 when? where? and how came it to pass? 
 
 1 never heard one word of it before; 
 
 quoth my uncle Toby: 1 dare say, an- 
 swered Trim, that every drummer and ser- 
 jeant's son in the regiment knew of it- 
 It's high time I should said my uncle 
 
 Toby. 
 
 Your honour remembers with concern, 
 said the corporal, the total rout and con- 
 fusion of our camp and army at the affair 
 of Landen; every one was left to shift for 
 himself; and if it had not been for the regi- 
 ments of JVyndham, Lumley, and Galway, 
 which covered the retreat over the bridge 
 of Neerspeeken, the king himself could 
 scarce have gained it -he was press 'd 
 hard, as your honour knows, on every side 
 of him 
 
 Gallant mortal ! cried my uncle Toby, 
 caught up with enthusiasm this moment, 
 now that all is lost, I see him galloping 
 
 166
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 across me, corporal, to the left, to bring 
 up the remains of the English horse along 
 with him to support the right, and tear the 
 laurel from Luxembourg's brows, if yet 'tis 
 possible I see him with the knot of his 
 scarfe just shot off, infusing fresh spirits into 
 poor Gal-way's regiment riding along the 
 line then wheeling about, and charging 
 
 Conti at the head of it Brave! brave by 
 
 heaven! cried my uncle Toby he deserves 
 
 a crown As richly, as a thief a halter; 
 
 shouted Trim. 
 
 My uncle Toby knew the corporal's loy- 
 alty; otherwise the comparison was not at 
 
 all to his mind it did not altogether 
 
 strike the corporal's fancy when he had made 
 
 it but it could not be recall' d so he 
 
 had nothing to do, but proceed. 
 
 As the number of wounded was prodi- 
 gious, and no one had time to think of 
 any thing but his own safety - - Though 
 Talmash, said my uncle Toby, brought off 
 the foot with great prudence But I was 
 left upon the field, said the corporal. Thou 
 wast so; poor fellow! replied my uncle 
 
 Toby So that it was noon the next day, 
 
 continued the corporal, before I was ex- 
 
 167
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 changed, and put into a cart with thirteen 
 or fourteen more, in order to be convey'd 
 to our hospital. 
 
 There is no part of the body, an' please 
 your honour, where a wound occasions more 
 intolerable anguish than upon the knee 
 
 Except the groin; said my uncle Toby. 
 An' please your honour, replied the cor- 
 poral, the knee, in my opinion, must cer- 
 tainly be the most acute, there being so 
 many tendons and what -d'ye -call -'ems all 
 about it. 
 
 It is for that reason, quoth my uncle 
 Toby, that the groin is infinitely more sensi- 
 ble there being not only as many ten- 
 dons and what- d'ye -call -'ems (for I know 
 
 their names as little as thou dost) about 
 
 it but moreover * * *- 
 
 Mrs Wadman, who had been all the time 
 in her arbour instantly stopp'd her breath 
 unpinn'd her mob at the chin, and stood 
 up upon one leg 
 
 The dispute was maintained with amica- 
 ble and equal force betwixt my uncle Toby 
 and Trim for some time; till Trim at length 
 recollecting that he had often cried at his 
 master's sufferings, but never shed a tear at 
 
 168
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 his own was for giving up the point, which 
 
 my uncle Toby would not allow 'Tis a 
 
 proof of nothing, Trim, said he, but the 
 generosity of thy temper 
 
 So that whether the pain of a wound in 
 the groin (casteris paribus) is greater than 
 the pain of a wound in the knee or 
 
 Whether the pain of a wound in the 
 knee is not greater than the pain of a 
 
 wound in the groin are points which to 
 
 this day remain unsettled. 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 THE anguish of my knee, continued the 
 corporal, was excessive in itself; and 
 the uneasiness of the cart, with the 
 roughness of the roads which were terribly 
 cut up making bad still worse every 
 step was death to me: so that with the loss 
 of blood, and the want of care-taking of me, 
 and a fever I felt coming on besides 
 (Poor soul ! said my uncle Toby) all 
 
 169
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 together, an' please your honour, was more 
 than I could sustain. 
 
 I was telling my sufferings to a young 
 woman at a peasant's house, where our cart, 
 which was the last of the line, had halted; 
 they had help'd me in, and the young woman 
 had taken a cordial out of her pocket and 
 dropp'd it upon some sugar, and seeing it 
 had cheer' d me, she had given it me a 
 second and a third time So I was tell- 
 ing her, an' please your honour, the anguish 
 I was in, and was saying it was so intolera- 
 ble to me, that I had much rather lie down 
 upon the bed, turning my face towards one 
 which was in the corner of the room and 
 die, than go on when, upon her attempt- 
 ing to lead me to it, I fainted away in her 
 arms. She was a good soul ! as your hon- 
 our, said the corporal, wiping his eyes, will 
 hear. 
 
 I thought love had been a joyous thing, 
 quoth my uncle Toby. 
 
 'Tis the most serious thing, an' please 
 your honour (sometimes), that is in the 
 world. 
 
 By the persuasion of the young woman, 
 continued the corporal, the cart with the 
 
 170
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 wounded men set off without me: she had 
 assured them I should expire immediately 
 if I was put into the cart. So when I came 
 
 to myself 1 found myself in a still quiet 
 
 cottage, with no one but the young woman, 
 and the peasant and his wife. I was laid 
 across the bed in the corner of the room, 
 with my wounded leg upon a chair, and the 
 young woman beside me, holding the corner 
 of her handkerchief dipp'd in vinegar to my 
 nose with one hand, and rubbing my tem- 
 ples with the other. 
 
 I took her at first for the daughter of 
 the peasant (for it was no inn) so had 
 offer 'd her a little purse with eighteen 
 florins, which my poor brother Tom (here 
 Trim wip'd his eyes) had sent me as a 
 token, by a recruit, just before he set out 
 
 for Lisbon. 
 
 I never told your honour that pite- 
 ous story yet here Trim wiped his eyes 
 
 a third time. 
 
 The young woman call'd the old man 
 and his wife into the room, to shew them 
 the money, in order to gain me credit for 
 a bed and what little necessaries I should 
 want, till I should be in a condition to be 
 
 171
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 got to the hospital Come then! said she, 
 
 tying up the little purse I'll be your 
 banker but as that office alone will not 
 keep me employ 'd, I'll be your nurse too. 
 
 I thought by her manner of speaking this, 
 as well as by her dress, which I then began 
 to consider more attentively -that the 
 young woman could not be the daughter 
 of the peasant. 
 
 She was in black down to her toes, with 
 her hair conceal' d under a cambric border, 
 laid close to her forehead: she was one of 
 those kind of nuns, an' please your honour, 
 of which, your honour knows, there are a 
 good many in Flanders which they let go 
 
 loose By thy description, Trim, said my 
 
 uncle Toby, I dare say she was a young 
 Beguine, of which there are none to be 
 found any where but in the Spanish Nether- 
 lands except at Amsterdam they differ 
 from nuns in this, that they can quit their 
 cloister if they choose to marry; they visit 
 
 and take care of the sick by profession 
 
 I had rather, for my own part, they did it 
 out of good-nature. 
 
 She often told me, quoth Trim, she 
 did it for the love of Christ I did not like 
 
 172
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 it. 1 believe, Trim, we are both wrong, 
 
 said my uncle Toby we'll ask Mr Yorick 
 about it to-night at my brother Shandy's 
 
 so put me in mind; added my uncle 
 
 Toby. 
 
 The young Beguine, continued the cor- 
 poral, had scarce given herself time to tell 
 me ' * she would be my nurse, ' ' when she 
 hastily turned about to begin the office of 
 
 one, and prepare something for me and 
 
 in a short time though I thought it a long 
 one she came back with flannels, &c. &c. 
 and having fomented my knee soundly for 
 a couple of hours, &c. and made me a thin 
 bason of gruel for my supper she wish'd 
 me rest, and promised to be with me 
 early in the morning. - - She wish'd me, 
 an' please your honour, what was not 
 to be had. My fever ran very high that 
 night her figure made sad disturbance 
 within me I was every moment cutting 
 the world in two to give her half of it 
 and every moment was I crying, That I 
 had nothing but a knapsack and eighteen 
 florins to share with her- -The whole 
 night long was the fair Begidne, like an 
 angel, close by my bedside, holding back 
 
 173
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 my curtain and offering me cordials and I 
 was only awakened from my dream by her 
 coming there at the hour promised, and 
 giving them in reality. In truth, she was 
 scarce ever from me ; and so accustomed 
 was I to receive life from her hands, that 
 my heart sickened, and I lost colour when 
 she left the room: and yet, continued the 
 corporal (making one of the strangest reflec- 
 tions upon it in the world) 
 
 "It was not love" for during the 
 
 three weeks she was almost constantly with 
 me, fomenting my knee with her hand, 
 night and day I can honestly say, an' 
 please your honour that * * 
 
 ##*##=*#:## 
 
 * * * once. 
 
 That was very odd, Trim, quoth my 
 uncle Toby. 
 
 I think so too said Mrs Wadman. 
 It never did, said the corporal. 
 
 174
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 But 'tis no marvel, continued the cor- 
 poral seeing my uncle Toby musing upon 
 it for Love, an' please your honour, is ex- 
 actly like war, in this; that a soldier, though 
 he has escaped three weeks complete o' Satur- 
 day night, may nevertheless be shot through 
 
 his heart on Sunday morning It happened 
 
 so here, an' please your honour, with this dif- 
 ference only that it was on Sunday in the 
 afternoon, when I fell in love all at once 
 
 with a sisserara It burst upon me, an' 
 
 please your honour, like a bomb scarce 
 
 giving me time to say, "God bless me." 
 
 I thought, Trim, said my uncle Toby, a 
 man never fell in love so very suddenly. 
 
 Yes, an' please your honour, if he is in 
 the way of it replied Trim. 
 
 I prithee, quoth my uncle Toby, inform 
 me how this matter happened. 
 
 With all pleasure, said the corporal, 
 making a bow. 
 
 ITS
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 I HAD escaped, continued the corporal, 
 all that time from falling in love, and 
 had gone to the end of the chapter, 
 had it not been predestined otherwise- 
 there is no resisting our fate. 
 
 It was on a Sunday, in the afternoon, as 
 I told your honour. 
 
 The old man and his wife had walked 
 out 
 
 Every thing was still and hush as mid- 
 night about the house 
 
 There was not so much as a duck or a 
 duckling about the yard 
 
 -When the fair Beguine came in to 
 see me. 
 
 My wound was then in a fair way of do- 
 ing well the inflammation had been gone 
 off for some time, but it was succeeded with 
 an itching both above and below my knee, 
 so insufferable, that I had not shut my eyes 
 the whole night for it. 
 
 Let me see it, said she, kneeling down 
 
 176
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 upon the ground parallel to my knee, and 
 
 laying her hand upon the part below it 
 
 it only wants rubbing a little, said the 
 Beguine ; so covering it with the bed- 
 clothes, she began with the fore-finger of 
 her right hand to rub under my knee, guid- 
 ing her fore- finger backwards and forwards 
 by the edge of the flannel which kept on 
 the dressing. 
 
 In five or six minutes I felt slightly the 
 end of her second finger and presently it 
 was laid flat with the other, and she con- 
 tinued rubbing in that way round and round 
 for a good while; it then came into my 
 head, that I should fall in love I blush 'd 
 when I saw how white a hand she had I 
 shall never, an' please your honour, behold 
 another hand so white whilst I live 
 
 -Not in that place ; said my uncle 
 
 Toby- 
 
 Though it was the most serious despair in 
 nature to the corporal he could not forbear 
 smiling. 
 
 The young Peguinc, continued the cor- 
 poral, perceiving it was of great service to 
 me from rubbing for some time, with two 
 fingers proceeded to rub at length, with 
 
 177
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 three till by little and little she brought 
 down the fourth, and then rubb'd with her 
 whole hand: I will never say another word, 
 an' please your honour, upon hands again 
 but it was softer than sattin 
 
 Prithee, Trim, commend it as much 
 as thou wilt, said my uncle Toby; I shall 
 hear thy story with the more delight 
 The corporal thank'd his master most un- 
 feignedly; but having nothing to say upon 
 the Beguine's hand but the same over again 
 
 he proceeded to the effects of it. 
 
 The fair Beguine, said the corporal, con- 
 tinued rubbing with her whole hand under 
 my knee till I fear'd her zeal would weary 
 her- -"I would do a thousand times 
 more, ' ' said she, * ' for the love of Christ ' ' 
 
 In saying which she pass'd her hand 
 
 across the flannel, to the part above my 
 knee, which I had equally complain 'd of, 
 and rubb'd it also. 
 
 I perceived, then, I was beginning to be 
 in love- 
 As she continued rub-rub-rubbing I felt 
 it spread from under her hand, an' please 
 your honour, to every part of my frame 
 The more she rubb'd, and the longer 
 
 178
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 strokes she took the more the fire kin- 
 dled in my veins till at length, by two 
 
 or three strokes longer than the rest my 
 
 passion rose to the highest pitch 1 seiz'd 
 
 her hand- 
 
 And then thou clapped 'st it to thy 
 
 lips, Trim, said my uncle Toby and 
 
 madest a speech. 
 
 Whether the corporal's amour terminated 
 precisely in the way my uncle Toby de- 
 scribed it, is not material; it is enough that 
 it contained in it the essence of all the love 
 romances which ever have been wrote since 
 the beginning of the world. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 AS soon as the corporal had finished the 
 story of his amour or rather my 
 uncle Toby for him Mrs Wadman 
 silently sallied forth from her arbour, re- 
 placed the pin in her mob, pass'd the 
 wicker-gate, and advanced slowly towards 
 my uncle Toby's sentry-box: the disposi-
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 tion which Trim had made in my uncle 
 Toby's mind, was too favourable a crisis to 
 be let slipp'd 
 
 -The attack was determin'd upon: it 
 was facilitated still more by my uncle Toby's 
 having ordered the corporal to wheel off the 
 pioneer's shovel, the spade, the pick-axe, the 
 picquets, and other military stores which lay 
 scatter 'd upon the ground where Dunkirk 
 stood The corporal had march' d the field 
 was clear. 
 
 Now, consider, sir, what nonsense it is, 
 either in fighting, or writing, or any thing 
 else (whether in rhyme to it, or not) which 
 a man has occasion to do to act by plan: 
 for if ever Plan, independent of all circum- 
 stances, deserved registering in letters of gold 
 (I mean in the archives of Gotham) it was 
 certainly the PLAN of Mrs Wad/man's attack 
 of my uncle Toby in his sentry-box, BY PLAN 
 
 Now the plan hanging up in it at this 
 juncture, being the Plan of Dunkirk and 
 the tale of Dunkirk a tale of relaxation, it 
 opposed every impression she could make: 
 and besides, could she have gone upon it 
 the manosuvre of fingers and hands in the 
 attack of the sentry-box, was so outdone by 
 
 180
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 that of the fair Beguine's, in Trim's story 
 that just then, that particular attack, how- 
 ever successful before became the most 
 
 heartless attack that could be made 
 
 O! let woman alone for this. Mrs Wad- 
 man had scarce open'd the wicker-gate, when 
 her genius sported with the change of cir- 
 cumstances. 
 
 She formed a new attack in a mo- 
 ment. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 1 am half distracted, captain Shandy, 
 
 said Mrs Wadman, holding up her cambrick 
 handkerchief to her left eye, as she ap- 
 proach'd the door of my uncle Toby's sen- 
 try-box a mote or sand or some- 
 thing - 1 know not what, has got into 
 
 this eye of mine do look into it it is 
 
 not in the white 
 
 In saying which, Mrs Wadman edged her- 
 self close in beside my uncle Toby, and 
 squeezing herself down upon the corner of 
 
 181
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 his bench, she gave him an opportunity of 
 
 doing it without rising up Do look into 
 
 it said she. 
 
 Honest soul! thou didst look into it with 
 as much innocency of heart, as ever child 
 look'd into a raree-shew-box ; and 'twere as 
 much a sin to have hurt thee. 
 
 If a man will be peeping of his own 
 
 accord into things of that nature I've 
 
 nothing to say to it 
 
 My uncle Toby never did: and I will 
 answer for him, that he would have sat 
 quietly upon a sofa from June to January 
 (which, you know, takes in both the hot 
 and cold months), with an eye as fine as 
 the Thracian* Rodope's beside him, with- 
 out being able to tell, whether it was a 
 black or blue one. 
 
 The difficulty was to get my uncle Toby, 
 to look at one at all. 
 
 'Tis surmounted. And 
 
 I see him yonder with his pipe pendu- 
 lous in his hand, and the ashes falling out 
 of it looking and looking then rubbing 
 
 * Rodope Thracia tarn inevitabili fascino instructa, tarn exacte 
 oculus intuens attraxit, ut si in illam quis incidisset, fieri non 
 posset, quin caperetur. 1 know not who. 
 
 182
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 his eyes and looking again, with twice the 
 good-nature that ever Grallileo look'd for a 
 spot in the sun. 
 
 In vain! for by all the powers which 
 animate the organ- -Widow W r admari > s 
 left eye shines this moment as lucid as her 
 
 right there is neither mote, or sand, or 
 
 dust, or chaff, or speck, or particle of opake 
 matter floating in it There is nothing, my 
 dear paternal uncle! but one lambent deli- 
 cious fire, furtively shooting out from every 
 part of it, in all directions, into thine 
 
 If thou lookest, uncle Toby, in search 
 of this mote one moment longer thou art 
 undone. 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 AN eye is for all the world exactly like 
 a cannon, in this respect; That it is 
 not so much the eye or the cannon, in 
 themselves, as it is the carriage of the eye 
 and the carriage of the cannon, by 
 which both the one and the other are en- 
 abled to do so much execution. I don't 
 
 183
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 think the comparison a bad one : However, 
 as 'tis made and placed at the head of the 
 chapter, as much for use as ornament, all I 
 desire in return, is, that whenever I speak 
 of Mrs Wadmaris eyes (except once in the 
 next period) that you keep it in your 
 fancy. 
 
 I protest, Madam, said my uncle Toby, I 
 can see nothing whatever in your eye. 
 
 It is not in the white; said Mrs Wad- 
 man: my uncle Toby look'd with might 
 and main into the pupil 
 
 Now of all the eyes, which ever were 
 
 created from your own, Madam, up to 
 
 those of Venus herself, which certainly were 
 as venereal a pair of eyes as ever stood in 
 
 a head there never was an eye of them 
 
 all, so fitted to rob my uncle Toby of his 
 repose, as the very eye, at which he was 
 
 looking it was not, Madam, a rolling 
 
 eye a romping or a wanton one nor 
 
 was it an eye sparkling petulant or impe- 
 rious of high claims and terrifying exac- 
 tions, which would have curdled at once 
 that milk of human nature, of which my 
 
 uncle Toby was made up but 'twas an 
 
 eye full of gentle salutations and soft 
 
 184
 
 responses speaking not like the trum- 
 pet stop of some ill-made organ, in which 
 many an eye I talk to, holds coarse con- 
 verse but whispering soft like the last 
 
 low accent of an expiring saint ' * How 
 
 can you live comfortless, captain Shandy, 
 and alone, without a bosom to lean your 
 head on or trust your cares to?" 
 
 It was an eye 
 
 But I shall be in love with it myself, if 
 I say another word about it. 
 
 It did my uncle Toby's business. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 THERE is nothing shews the character 
 of my father and my uncle Toby, in 
 a more entertaining light, than their 
 different manner of deportment, under the 
 same accident for I call not love a mis- 
 fortune, from a persuasion, that a man's 
 
 heart is ever the better for it Great God ! 
 
 what must my uncle Toby's have been, 
 when 'twas all benignity without it. 
 
 185
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 My father, as appears from many of his 
 papers, was very subject to this passion, be- 
 fore he married but from a little subacid 
 
 kind of drollish impatience in his nature, 
 whenever it befell him, he would never 
 submit to it like a Christian ; but would 
 pish, and huff, and bounce, and kick, and 
 play the Devil, and write the bitterest 
 Philippicks against the eye that ever man 
 wrote there is one in verse upon some- 
 body's eye or other, that for two or three 
 nights together, had put him by his rest; 
 which in his first transport of resentment 
 against it, he begins thus: 
 
 "A Devil 'tis and mischief such doth work 
 
 AS never yet did Pagan, Jew, or Turk,"* 
 
 In short, during the whole paroxism, my 
 father was all abuse and foul language, ap- 
 proaching rather towards malediction 
 
 only he did not do it with as much method 
 
 as Ernulphus he was too impetuous; nor 
 
 with Ernulphus 's policy for tho' my 
 father, with the most intolerant spirit, 
 would curse both this and that, and every 
 thing under heaven, which was either aid- 
 
 *This will be printed with my father's Life of Socrates, &c. 
 &c. 
 
 186
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 ing or abetting to his love yet never 
 
 concluded his chapter of curses upon it, 
 without cursing himself in at the bargain, 
 as one of the most egregious fools and cox- 
 combs, he would say, that ever was let 
 loose in the world. 
 
 My uncle Toby, on the contrary, took it 
 
 like a lamb sat still and let the poison 
 
 work in his veins without resistance in 
 
 the sharpest exacerbations of his Wound 
 ( like that on his groin ) he never dropt one 
 
 fretful or discontented word he blamed 
 
 neither heaven nor earth or thought or 
 
 spoke an injurious thing of any body, or 
 any part of it; he sat solitary and pensive 
 with his pipe looking at his lame leg 
 
 then whiffing out a sentimental heigh 
 ho! which mixing with the smoke, incom- 
 moded no one mortal. 
 
 He took it like a lamb 1 say. 
 
 In truth he had mistook it at first; for 
 having taken a ride with my father, that 
 very morning, to save if possible a beautiful 
 wood, which the dean and chapter were 
 hewing down to give to the poor; * which 
 
 * Mr. Shandy must mean the poor in spirit; inasmuch as 
 they divided the money amongst themselves. 
 
 187
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 said wood being in full view of my uncle 
 Toby's house, and of singular service to 
 him in his description of the battle of 
 Wynnendale by trotting on too hastily to 
 
 save it upon an uneasy saddle worse 
 
 horse, &c. &c. . . it had so happened, that 
 the serous part of the blood had got be- 
 twixt the two skins, in the nethermost part 
 
 of my uncle Toby the first shootings of 
 
 which ( as my uncle Toby had no experience 
 of love ) he had taken for a part of the 
 passion till the blister breaking in the one 
 case and the other remaining my uncle 
 Toby was presently convinced, that his 
 
 wound was not a skin-deep wound but 
 
 that it had gone to his heart. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 world is ashamed of being virtuous 
 JL - My uncle Toby knew little of 
 the world; and therefore when he 
 felt he was in love with widow Wadman, 
 he had no conception that the thing was 
 
 188
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 any more to be made a mystery of, than if 
 Mrs Wadman had given him a cut with a 
 gap'd knife across his finger: Had it been 
 otherwise yet as he ever look'd upon 
 Trim as a humble friend; and saw fresh 
 reasons every day of his life, to treat him 
 
 as such it would have made no variation 
 
 in the manner in which he informed him 
 of the affair. 
 
 ' ' I am in love, corporal ! ' quoth my 
 uncle Toby. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 IN love ! said the corporal your honour 
 was very well the day before yesterday, 
 when I was telling your honour the 
 story of the King of Bohemia Bohemia ! 
 
 said my uncle Toby musing a long 
 
 time What became of that story, Trim? 
 
 We lost it, an' please your honour, some- 
 how betwixt us but your honour was as 
 free from love then, as I am -'twas, just 
 whilst thou went'st off with the wheel- 
 
 189
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 barrow with Mrs Wadman, quoth my 
 uncle Toby She has left a ball here- 
 added my uncle Toby pointing to his 
 breast 
 
 She can no more, an' please your 
 
 honour, stand a siege, than she can fly 
 
 cried the corporal 
 
 But as we are neighbours, Trim, 
 the best way I think is to let her know it 
 civilly first quoth my uncle Toby. 
 
 Now if I might presume, said the corporal, 
 to differ from your honour 
 
 -Why else do I talk to thee, Trim ? 
 said my uncle Toby, mildly 
 
 Then I would begin, an' please your 
 honour, with making a good thundering 
 attack upon her, in return and telling her 
 civilly afterwards for if she knows anything 
 of your honour's being in love, before hand 
 
 L d help her! she knows no more at 
 
 present of it, Trim, said my uncle Toby 
 than the child unborn 
 
 Precious souls! 
 
 Mrs Wadman had told it, with all its 
 circumstances, to Mrs Bridget twenty-four 
 hours before; and was at that very moment 
 sitting in council with her, touching some 
 
 190
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 slight misgivings with regard to the issue of 
 the affairs, which the Devil, who never lies 
 dead in a ditch, had put into her head 
 before he would allow half time, to get 
 
 quietly through her Te Deum. 
 
 I am terribly afraid, said widow Wadman, 
 in case I should marry him, Bridget that 
 the poor captain will not enjoy his health, 
 with the monstrous wound upon his groin 
 
 It may not, Madam, be so very large, 
 replied Bridget, as you think and I be- 
 lieve besides, added she that 'tis dried up 
 
 -I could like to know merely for his 
 
 sake, said Mrs Wadman 
 
 We'll know the long and the broad of 
 it, in ten days answered Mrs Bridget, for 
 whilst the captain is paying his addresses to 
 you I'm confident Mr Trim will be for 
 making love to me and I'll let him as 
 much as he will added Bridget to get it 
 all out of him 
 
 The measures were taken at once and 
 
 my uncle Toby and the corporal went on 
 with theirs. 
 
 Now, quoth the corporal, setting his left 
 
 191
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 hand a-kimbo, and giving such a flourish 
 with his right, as just promised success and 
 
 no more if your honour will give me 
 
 leave to lay down the plan of this attack 
 
 -Thou wilt please me by it, Trim, 
 said my uncle Toby, exceedingly and as I 
 foresee thou must act in it as my aid de 
 camp, here's a crown, corporal, to begin 
 with, to steep thy commission. 
 
 Then, an' please your honour, said the 
 corporal (making a bow first for his com- 
 mission) we will begin with getting your 
 honour's laced cloaths out of the great 
 campaign- trunk, to be well air'd, and have 
 the blue and gold taken up at the sleeves 
 and I'll put your white ramallie-wig fresh 
 into pipes and send for a taylor, to have 
 your honour's thin scarlet breeches turn'd 
 
 I had better take the red plush ones, 
 quoth my uncle Toby -They will be too 
 clumsy said the corporal. 
 
 199
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 Thou wilt get a brush and a little 
 
 chalk to my sword 'Twill be only in 
 
 your honour's way, replied Trim. 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 But your honour's two razors shall 
 be new set and 1 will get my Montero cap 
 furbish 'd up, and put on poor lieutenant 
 Le Fever's regimental coat, which your 
 honour gave me to wear for his sake and 
 as soon as your honour is clean shaved and 
 has got your clean shirt on, with your blue 
 
 and gold, or your fine scarlet sometimes 
 
 one and sometimes t'other and every thing 
 is ready for the attack we'll march up 
 boldly, as if 'twas to the face of a bastion; 
 and whilst your honour engages Mrs Wad- 
 man in the parlour, to the right I'll 
 
 193
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 attack Mrs Bridget in the kitchen, to the 
 left; and having seiz'd the pass, I'll answer 
 for it, said the corporal, snapping his fingers 
 over his head that the day is our own. 
 
 I wish I may but manage it right; said 
 my uncle Toby but I declare, corporal, I 
 had rather march up to the very edge of a 
 trench 
 
 A woman is quite a different thing 
 said the corporal. 
 
 I suppose so, quoth my uncle Toby. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 IF any thing in this world, which my 
 father said, could have provoked my 
 uncle Toby, during the time he was in 
 love, it was the perverse use my father was 
 always making of an expression of Hilarion 
 the hermit; who, in speaking of his absti- 
 nence, his watchings, flagellations, and other 
 instrumental parts of his religion would 
 say tho' with more facetiousness than be- 
 came an hermit " That they were the 
 
 194
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 means he used, to make his ass (meaning 
 his body) leave off kicking." 
 
 It pleased my father well; it was not 
 
 only a laconick way of expressing but of 
 
 libelling, at the same time, the desires and 
 appetites of the lower part of us; so that 
 for many years of my father's life, 'twas his 
 constant mode of expression he never used 
 the word passions once but ass always in- 
 stead of them So that he might be said 
 
 truly, to have been upon the bones, or the 
 back of his own ass, or else of some other 
 man's, during that time. 
 
 I must here observe to you the difference 
 betwixt 
 
 My father's ass 
 
 and my hobby-horse in order to 
 keep characters as separate as may be, in 
 our fancies as we go along. 
 
 For my hobby-horse, if you recollect a 
 little, is no way a vicious beast; he has 
 scarce one hair or lineament of the ass 
 about him -'Tis the sporting little filly- 
 folly which carries you out for the present 
 hour a maggot, a butterfly, a picture, a 
 fiddlestick an uncle Toby's siege or an 
 any thing, which a man makes a shift to 
 
 195
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 get a-stride on, to canter it away from the 
 cares and solicitudes of life 'Tis as useful 
 a beast as is in the whole creation nor do 
 I really see how the world could do with- 
 out it 
 
 - But for my father's ass oh ! 
 
 mount him mount him mount him 
 (that's three times, is it not?) mount him 
 not: 'tis a beast concupiscent and foul 
 befal the man, who does not hinder him 
 from kicking. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 WELL ! dear brother Toby, said my 
 father, upon his first seeing him 
 after he fell in love and how goes 
 it with your ASSE? 
 
 Now my uncle Toby thinking more of 
 the part where he had had the blister, than 
 of Hilariori's metaphor and our preconcep- 
 tions having (you know) as great a power 
 over the sounds of words as the shapes of 
 things, he had imagined, that my father, 
 
 196
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 who was not very ceremonious in his choice 
 of words, had enquired after the part by 
 its proper name; so notwithstanding my 
 mother, doctor Slop, and Mr Yorick, were 
 sitting in the parlour, he thought it rather 
 civil to conform to the term my father had 
 made use of than not. When a man is 
 hemm'd in by two indecorums, and must 
 commit one of 'em I always observe let 
 him chuse which he will, the world will 
 blame him so I should not be astonished 
 if it blames my uncle Toby. 
 
 My A e, quoth my uncle Toby, is 
 much better brother Shandy My father 
 had formed great expectations from his 
 Asse in this onset; and would have brought 
 him on again; but doctor Slop setting up 
 an intemperate laugh and my mother cry- 
 ing out L - bless us! it drove my father's 
 Asse off" the field and the laugh then be- 
 coming general there was no bringing him 
 back to the charge for some time 
 
 And so the discourse went on without 
 him. 
 
 Every body, said my mother, says you 
 are in love, brother Toby, and we hope it 
 is true, 
 
 197
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 I am as much in love, sister, I believe, 
 replied my uncle Toby, as any man usually 
 
 is Humph! said my father and when 
 
 did you know it? quoth my mother 
 
 When the blister broke; replied my 
 
 uncle Toby. 
 
 My uncle Toby's reply put my father 
 into good temper so he charg'd o' foot. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 AS the ancients agree, brother Toby, said 
 my father, that there are two different 
 and distinct kinds of love, according to 
 the different parts which are affected by it 
 the Brain or Liver I think when a man 
 is in love, it behoves him a little to con- 
 sider which of the two he is fallen into. 
 
 What signifies it, brother Shandy, replied 
 my uncle Toby, which of the two it is, pro- 
 vided it will but make a man marry, and 
 love his wife, and get a few children ? 
 
 A few children! cried my father, ris- 
 ing out of his chair, and looking full in my 
 
 198
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 mother's face, as he forced his way betwixt 
 her's and doctor Slop's a few children ! 
 cried my father, repeating my uncle Toby's 
 words as he walk'd to and fro 
 
 Not, my dear brother Toby, cried 
 
 my father, recovering himself all at once, 
 and coming close up to the back of my 
 uncle Toby's chair not that I should be 
 sorry hadst thou a score on the contrary, 
 I should rejoice and be as kind, Toby, to 
 every one of them as a father 
 
 My uncle Toby stole his hand unperceived 
 behind his chair, to give my father's a 
 squeeze 
 
 Nay, moreover, continued he, keeping 
 hold of my uncle Toby's hand so much 
 dost thou possess, my dear Toby, of the 
 milk of human nature, and so little of its 
 asperities 'tis piteous the world is not 
 peopled by creatures which resemble thee; 
 and was I an Asiatic monarch, added my 
 father, heating himself with his new project 
 I would oblige thee, provided it would 
 not impair thy strength or dry up thy 
 radical moisture too fast or weaken thy 
 memory or fancy, brother Toby, which these 
 gymnics inordinately taken are apt to do 
 
 199
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 else, dear Toby, I would procure thee the 
 most beautiful women in my empire, and I 
 would oblige thee, nolens, volens, to beget 
 for me one subject every month 
 
 As my father pronounced the last word 
 of the sentence my mother took a pinch 
 of snuff. 
 
 Now I would not, quoth my uncle Toby, 
 get a child, nolens, volens, that is, whether 
 I would or no, to please the greatest prince 
 upon earth 
 
 And 'twould be cruel in me, brother 
 
 Toby, to compel thee; said my father but 
 'tis a case put to shew thee, that it is not 
 thy begetting a child in case thou should 'st 
 be able but the system of Love and Mar- 
 riage thou goest upon, which I would set 
 thee right in 
 
 There is at least, said Yorick, a great deal 
 of reason and plain sense in captain Shandy's 
 opinion of love; and 'tis amongst the ill- 
 spent hours of my life, which I have to 
 answer for, that I have read so many 
 flourishing poets and rhetoricians in my 
 time, from whom I never could extract so 
 much 
 
 I wish, Yorick, said my father, you had 
 
 00
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 read Plato; for there you would have learnt 
 that there are two LOVES I know there 
 were two RELIGIONS, replied Yorick, amongst 
 
 the ancients one for the vulgar, and 
 
 another for the learned; but I think ONE 
 LOVE might have served both of them very 
 well 
 
 It could not; replied my father and for 
 the same reasons ; for of these Loves, accord- 
 ing to Ficmus's comment upon Velasius, 
 the one is rational 
 
 the other is natural 
 
 the first ancient without mother 
 
 where Venus had nothing to do : the second, 
 begotten of Jupiter and Dione 
 
 Pray, brother, quoth my uncle Toby, 
 
 what has a man who believes in God to do 
 with this? My father could not stop to 
 answer, for fear of breaking the thread of 
 his discourse 
 
 This latter, continued he, partakes wholly 
 of the nature of Venus. 
 
 The first, which is the golden chain let 
 down from heaven, excites to love heroic, 
 which comprehends in it, and excites to the 
 
 desire of philosophy and truth the second, 
 
 excites to desire, simply 
 
 901
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 1 think the procreation of children as 
 
 beneficial to the world, said Yorick, as the 
 
 finding out the longitude 
 
 -To be sure, said my mother, love 
 
 keeps peace in the world 
 
 In the house my dear, I own 
 It replenishes the earth; said my 
 
 mother 
 
 But it keeps heaven empty my dear; re- 
 plied my father. 
 
 -'Tis Virginity, cried Slop, triumphant- 
 ly, which fills paradise. 
 
 Well push'd nun! quoth my father. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIV. 
 
 MY father had such a skirmishing, cut- 
 ting kind of a slashing way with 
 him in his disputations, thrusting 
 and ripping, and giving every one a stroke 
 to remember him by in his turn that if 
 there were twenty people in company in 
 less than half an hour he was sure to have 
 every one of 'em against him. 
 
 202
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 What did not a little contribute to leave 
 him thus without an ally, was, that if there 
 was any one post more untenable than the 
 rest, he would be sure to throw himself 
 into it; and to do him justice, when he 
 was once there, he would defend it so gal- 
 lantly, that 'twould have been a concern, 
 either to a brave man or a good-natured 
 one, to have seen him driven out. 
 
 Yorick, for this reason, though he would 
 often attack him yet could never bear to 
 do it with all his force. 
 
 Doctor Slop's VIRGINITY, in the close of 
 the last chapter, had got him for once on 
 the right side of the rampart; and he was 
 beginning to blow up all the convents in 
 Christendom about Slop's ears, when cor- 
 poral Trim came into the parlour to in- 
 form my uncle Toby, that his thin scarlet 
 breeches, in which the attack was to be 
 made upon Mrs Wadman, would not do; 
 for, that the taylor, in ripping them up, in 
 order to turn them, had found they had 
 
 been turn'd before Then turn them 
 
 again, brother, said my father rapidly, for 
 there will be many a turning of 'em yet 
 before all's done in the affair They are 
 
 303
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 as rotten as dirt, said the corporal Then 
 
 by all means, said my father, bespeak a 
 
 new pair, brother for though I know, 
 
 continued my father, turning himself to the 
 company, that widow W^adman has been 
 deeply in love with my brother Toby for 
 many years, and has used every art and 
 circumvention of woman to outwit him into 
 the same passion, yet now that she has 
 
 caught him her fever will be pass'd its 
 
 height 
 
 -She has gain'd her point. 
 
 In this case, continued my father, which 
 Plato, I am persuaded, never thought of 
 Love, you see, is not so much a SEN- 
 TIMENT as a SITUATION, into which a man 
 enters, as my brother Toby would do, into 
 
 a corps no matter whether he loves the 
 
 service or no being once in it he acts 
 
 as if he did; and takes every step to shew 
 himself a man of prowesse. 
 
 The hypothesis, like the rest of my 
 father's, was plausible enough, and my 
 uncle Toby had but a single word to 
 object to it in which Trim stood ready 
 
 to second him but my father had not 
 
 drawn his conclusion 
 
 904
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHAN>Y 
 
 For this reason, continued my father 
 (stating the case over again) notwith- 
 standing all the world knows, that Mrs 
 Wadman affects my brother Toby and my 
 brother Toby contrariwise affects Mrs Wad- 
 man, and no obstacle in nature to forbid 
 the music striking up this very night, yet 
 will I answer for it, that this self-same tune 
 will not be play'd this twelvemonth. 
 
 We have taken our measures badly, quoth 
 my uncle Toby, looking up interrogatively in 
 Trim's face. 
 
 I would lay my Montero-cap, said Trim 
 
 Now Trim's Montero-cap, as I once told 
 you, was his constant wager; and having fur- 
 bish 'd it up that very night, in order to go 
 upon the attack it made the odds look 
 more considerable I would lay, an' please 
 your honour, my Montero-cap to a shilling 
 was it proper, continued Trim (making a 
 bow), to offer a wager before your hon- 
 ours 
 
 -There is nothing improper in it, said 
 my father 'tis a mode of expression ; for 
 in saying thou would 'st lay thy Montero- 
 cap to a shilling all thou meanest is this 
 that thou believest
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 -Now, What do'st thou believe? 
 
 That widow Wadman, an' please your 
 worship, cannot hold it out ten days 
 
 And whence, cried Slop, jeeringly, hast 
 thou all this knowledge of woman, friend ? 
 
 By falling in love with a popish clergy- 
 woman; said Trim. 
 
 'Twas a Beguine, said my uncle Toby. 
 
 Doctor Slop was too much in wrath to 
 listen to . the distinction ; and my father 
 taking that very crisis to fall in helter- 
 skelter upon the whole order of Nuns and 
 
 Beguines, a set of silly, fusty, baggages 
 
 Slop could not stand it and my uncle 
 
 Toby having some measures to take about 
 his breeches and Yorick about his fourth 
 general division in order for their several 
 attacks next day the company broke up: 
 and my father being left alone, and having 
 half an hour upon his hands betwixt that 
 and bed-time ; he called for pen, ink, and 
 paper, and wrote my uncle Toby the follow- 
 ing letter of instructions: 
 
 20
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 MY DEAR BROTHER Toby, 
 
 WHAT I am going to say to thee is, 
 upon the nature of women, and of 
 love-making to them; and perhaps it 
 is as well for thee tho' not so well for me 
 that thou hast occasion for a letter of in- 
 structions upon that head, and that I am 
 able to write it to thee. 
 
 Had it been the good pleasure of him 
 who disposes of our lots and thou no suf- 
 ferer by the knowledge, I had been well 
 content that thou should 'st have dipp'd the 
 pen this moment into the ink, instead of 
 myself; but that not being the case- 
 Mrs Shandy being now close beside me, 
 preparing for bed -I have thrown to- 
 gether without order, and just as they have 
 come into my mind, such hints and docu- 
 ments as I deem may be of use to thee; 
 intending, in this, to give thee a token of 
 my love; not doubting, my dear Toby, of 
 the manner in which it will be accepted. 
 
 In the first place, with regard to all 
 which concerns religion in the affair 
 though I perceive from a glow in my 
 
 207
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 cheek, that I blush as I begin to speak 
 to thee upon the subject, as well knowing, 
 notwithstanding thy unaffected secrecy, how 
 few of its offices thou neglectest yet I 
 would remind thee of one (during the con- 
 tinuance of thy courtship) in a particular 
 manner, which I would not have omitted; 
 and that is, never to go forth upon the 
 enterprize, whether it be in the morning or 
 the afternoon, without first recommending 
 thyself to the protection of Almighty God, 
 that he may defend thee from the evil 
 one. 
 
 Shave the whole top of thy crown clean, 
 once at least every four or five days, but 
 oftner if convenient; lest in taking off thy 
 wig before her, thro' absence of mind, she 
 should be able to discover how much has 
 
 been cut away by Time how much by 
 
 Trim. 
 
 'Twere better to keep ideas of baldness 
 out of her fancy. 
 
 Always carry it in thy mind, and act 
 upon it as a sure maxim, Toby 
 
 "That women are timid:"" And 'tis well 
 
 they are else there would be no dealing 
 
 with them. 
 
 208
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Let not thy breeches be too tight, or 
 hang too loose about thy thighs, like the 
 trunk-hose of our ancestors. 
 
 A just medium prevents all conclu- 
 sions. 
 
 Whatever thou hast to say, be it more 
 or less, forget not to utter it in a low soft 
 tone of voice. Silence, and whatever ap- 
 proaches it, weaves dreams of midnight 
 secrecy into the brain: For this cause, if 
 thou canst help it, never throw down the 
 tongs and poker. 
 
 Avoid all kinds of pleasantry and face- 
 tiousness in thy discourse with her, and do 
 whatever lies in thy power at the same 
 time, to keep from her all books and writ- 
 ings which tend thereto : there are some 
 devotional tracts, which if thou canst entice 
 her to read over it will be well: but suffer 
 her not to look into Rabelais, or Scarron, 
 
 or Don Quixote 
 
 -They are all books which excite 
 laughter ; and thou knowest, dear Toby, 
 that there is no passion so serious as lust. 
 
 Stick a pin in the bosom of thy shirt, 
 before thou enterest her parlour. 
 
 And if thou art permitted to sit upon 
 
 209
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 the same sopha with her, and she gives 
 thee occasion to lay thy hand upon hers 
 
 beware of taking it thou canst not lay 
 
 thy hand on hers, but she will feel the 
 temper of thine. Leave that and as many 
 other things as thou canst, quite undeter- 
 mined ; by so doing, thou wilt have her 
 curiosity on thy side; and if she is not 
 conquered by that, and thy ASSE continues 
 still kicking, which there is great reason to 
 suppose Thou must begin, with first los- 
 ing a few ounces of blood below the ears, 
 according to the practice of the ancient 
 Scythians, who cured the most intemperate 
 fits of the appetite by that means. 
 
 Avicenna, after this, is for having the 
 part anointed with the syrup of hellebore, 
 
 using proper evacuations and purges and 
 
 I believe rightly. But thou must eat little 
 
 or no goat's flesh, nor red deer nor even 
 
 foal's flesh by any means; and carefully 
 
 abstain that is, as much as thou canst, 
 
 from peacocks, cranes, coots, didappers, and 
 water-hens 
 
 As for thy drink I need not tell thee, 
 it must be the infusion of VERVAIN, and 
 the herb HANEA, of which ^Elian relates 
 
 210
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 such effects but if thy stomach palls with 
 it discontinue it from time to time, taking 
 cucumbers, melons, purslane, water-lillies, 
 wood -bine, and lettice, in the stead of 
 them. 
 
 There is nothing further for thee, which 
 
 occurs to me at present 
 
 Unless the breaking out of a fresh 
 
 war So wishing every thing, dear Toby, 
 
 for the best, 
 
 I rest thy affectionate brother, 
 
 WALTER SHANDY. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXV. 
 
 WHILST my father was writing his 
 letter of instructions, my uncle Toby 
 and the corporal were busy in pre- 
 paring every thing for the attack. As the 
 turning of the thin scarlet breeches was laid 
 aside (at least for the present), there was 
 nothing which should put it off beyond the 
 next morning; so accordingly it was resolv'd 
 upon, for eleven o'clock. 
 
 211
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Come, my dear, said my father to my 
 mother 'twill be but like a brother and 
 sister, if you and I take a walk down to 
 
 my brother Toby's to countenance him 
 
 in this attack of his. 
 
 My uncle Toby and the corporal had 
 been accoutred both some time, when my 
 father and mother enter 'd, and the clock 
 striking eleven, were that moment in mo- 
 tion to sally forth but the account of 
 this is worth more than to be wove into 
 the fag end of the eighth* volume of such 
 
 a work as this. My father had no time 
 
 but to put the letter of instructions into 
 my uncle Toby's coat-pocket and join 
 with my mother in wishing his attack pros- 
 perous. 
 
 I could like, said my mother, to look 
 
 through the key-hole out of curiosity 
 
 Call it by its right name, my dear, quoth 
 my father 
 
 And look through the key-hole as long as 
 you will. 
 
 * Alluding to the first edition. 
 919
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, 
 
 GENTLEMAN. 
 
 Si quid urbaniuscuU lusum a nobis, per Musas et Charitas et 
 omnium poetarum Numina, Oro te, ne me male capias.
 
 A DEDICATION 
 
 TO 
 
 A GREAT MAN. 
 
 HAVING, a priori, intended to dedicate 
 The Amours of my Uncle Toby to 
 
 jyj r #= * # 1 see more reasons, a 
 
 posteriori, for doing it to Lord * * * * * * *. 
 
 I should lament from my soul, if this 
 exposed me to the jealousy of their Rever- 
 ences; because a posteriori, in Court- latin, 
 signifies the kissing hands for preferment 
 or any thing else in order to get it. 
 
 My opinion of Lord * * * # * * * is neither 
 better nor worse, than it was of Mr * * *. 
 Honours, like impressions upon coin, may 
 give an ideal and local value to a bit of 
 base metal; but Gold and Silver will pass 
 all the world over without any other recom- 
 mendation than their own weight. 
 
 SIT
 
 DEDICATION 
 
 The same good-will that made me think 
 of offering up half an hour's amusement to 
 Mr * * * when out of place operates more 
 forcibly at present, as half an hour's amuse- 
 ment will be more serviceable and refresh- 
 ing after labour and sorrow, than after a 
 philosophical repast. 
 
 Nothing is so perfectly amusement as a 
 total change of ideas; no ideas are so to- 
 tally different as those of Ministers, and 
 innocent Lovers: for which reason, when I 
 come to talk of Statesmen and Patriots, 
 and set such marks upon them as will 
 prevent confusion and mistakes concerning 
 them for the future I propose to dedicate 
 that Volume to some gentle Shepherd, 
 
 
 Whose thoughts proud Science never taught to stray, 
 
 Far as the Statesman's walk or Patriot-way; 
 
 Yet simple Nature to his hopes had given 
 
 Out of a cloud-capp'd head a humbler heaven; 
 
 Some untam'd World in depths of wood embraced 
 
 Some happier Island in the watry-waste 
 
 And where admitted to that equal sky, 
 
 His faithful Dog should bear him company. 
 
 In a word, by thus introducing an entire 
 new set of objects to his Imagination, I 
 
 318
 
 DEDICATION 
 
 shall unavoidably give a Diversion to his 
 passionate and love -sick Contemplations. 
 In the mean time, 
 
 I am 
 
 THE AUTHOR
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENT. 
 BOOK IX. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 I CALL all the powers of time and 
 chance, which severally check us in 
 our careers in this world, to bear 
 me witness, that I could never yet get 
 fairly to my uncle Toby's amours, till this 
 very moment, that my mother's curiosity, 
 as she stated the affair, or a different 
 impulse in her, as my father would have 
 
 it wished her to take a peep at them 
 
 through the key-hole. 
 
 991
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 " Call it, my dear, by its right name, 
 quoth my father, and look through the 
 key-hole as long as you will." 
 
 Nothing but the fermentation of that 
 little subacid humour, which I have often 
 spoken of, in my father's habit, could have 
 vented such an insinuation he was how- 
 ever frank and generous in his nature, and 
 at all times open to conviction; so that 
 he had scarce got to the last word of this 
 ungracious retort, when his conscience smote 
 him. 
 
 My mother was then conjugally swinging 
 with her left arm twisted under his right, 
 in such wise, that the inside of her hand 
 rested upon the back of his she raised her 
 fingers, and let them fall it could scarce 
 
 be call'd a tap ; or if it was a tap 
 
 'twould have puzzled a casuist to say, 
 whether 'twas a tap of remonstrance, or a 
 tap of confession: my father, who was all 
 sensibilities from head to foot, class 'd it 
 right Conscience redoubled her blow he 
 turn'd his face suddenly the other way, and 
 my mother supposing his body was about 
 to turn with it in order to move home- 
 wards, by a cross movement of her right 
 
 892
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 leg, keeping her left as its centre, brought 
 herself so far in front, that as he turned 
 
 his head, he met her eye Confusion 
 
 again! he saw a thousand reasons to wipe 
 out the reproach, and as many to reproach 
 
 himself a thin, blue, chill, pellucid chrys- 
 
 tal with all its humours so at rest, the least 
 mote or speck of desire might have been 
 seen, at the bottom of it, had it existed 
 
 it did not and how I happen to be 
 
 so lewd myself, particularly a little before 
 
 the vernal and autumnal equinoxes 
 
 Heaven above knows My mother 
 
 madam- -was so at no time, either by 
 nature, by institution, or example. 
 
 A temperate current of blood ran orderly 
 through her veins in all months of the year, 
 and in all critical moments both of the day 
 and night alike; nor did she superinduce 
 the least heat into her humours from the 
 manual effervescencies of devotional tracts, 
 which having little or no meaning in them, 
 nature is oft-times obliged to find one 
 And as for my father's example! 'twas so 
 far from being either aiding or abetting 
 thereunto, that 'twas the whole business of 
 his life to keep all fancies of that kind out 
 
 223
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 of her head Nature had done her part, 
 
 to have spared him this trouble; and what 
 was not a little inconsistent, my father 
 
 knew it And here am I sitting, this 
 
 12th day of August, 1766, in a purple 
 jerkin and yellow pair of slippers, without 
 either wig or cap on, a most tragicomical 
 completion of his prediction, "That I should 
 neither think, nor act like any other man's 
 child, upon that very account." 
 
 The mistake in my father, was in attack- 
 ing my mother's motive, instead of the act 
 itself; for certainly key-holes were made for 
 other purposes ; and considering the act, as 
 an act which interfered with a true propo- 
 sition, and denied a key- hole to be what it 
 
 was it became a violation of nature; 
 
 and was so far, you see, criminal. 
 
 It is for this reason, an' please your 
 Reverences, That key-holes are the occa- 
 sions of more sin and wickedness, than all 
 other holes in this world put together. 
 
 which leads me to my uncle Toby's 
 
 amours.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 THOUGH the corporal had been as 
 good as his word in putting my 
 uncle Toby's great ramallie-wig into 
 pipes, yet the time was too short to pro- 
 duce any great effects from it: it had lain 
 many years squeezed up in the corner of 
 his old campaign trunk; and as bad forms 
 are not so easy to be got the better of, 
 and the use of candle-ends not so well 
 understood, it was not so pliable a busi- 
 ness as one would have wished. The cor- 
 poral with cheary eye and both arms ex- 
 tended, had fallen back perpendicular from 
 it a score times, to inspire it, if possible, 
 with a better air -had SPLEEN given a 
 look at it, 'twould have cost her ladyship 
 
 a smile it curl'd every where but where 
 
 the corporal would have it; and where a 
 buckle or two, in his opinion, would have 
 done it honour, he could as soon have 
 raised the dead. 
 
 Such it was or rather such would it have 
 
 225
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 seem'd upon any other brow; but the sweet 
 look of goodness which sat upon my uncle 
 Toby's, assimilated every thing around it so 
 sovereignly to itself, and Nature had more- 
 over wrote GENTLEMAN with so fair a hand 
 in every line of his countenance, that even 
 his tarnish'd gold-laced hat and huge cock- 
 ade of flimsy taffeta became him; and 
 though not worth a button in themselves, 
 yet the moment my uncle Toby put them 
 on, they became serious objects, and alto- 
 gether seem'd to have been picked up by 
 the hand of Science to set him off to ad- 
 vantage. 
 
 Nothing in this world could have co- 
 operated more powerfully towards this, than 
 
 my uncle Toby's blue and gold had not 
 
 Quantity in some measure been necessary to 
 Grace: in a period of fifteen or sixteen 
 years since they had been made, by a total 
 inactivity in my uncle Toby's life, for he 
 seldom went further than the bowling- 
 green his blue and gold had become so 
 miserably too strait for him, that it was 
 with the utmost difficulty the corporal was 
 able to get him into them: the taking 
 them up at the sleeves, was of no advan- 
 
 226
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 tage. They were laced however down 
 
 the back, and at the seams of the sides, 
 &c. in the mode of King William's reign; 
 and to shorten all description, they shone 
 so * bright against the sun that morning, 
 and had so metallick, and doughty an air with 
 them, that had my uncle Toby thought of 
 attacking in armour, nothing could have so 
 well imposed upon his imagination. 
 
 As for the thin scarlet breeches, they 
 had been unripp'd by the taylor between 
 the legs, and left at sixes and sevens 
 
 Yes, Madam, but let us govern 
 
 our fancies. It is enough they were held 
 impracticable the night before, and as 
 there was no alternative in my uncle 
 Toby^s wardrobe, he sallied forth in the 
 red plush. 
 
 The corporal had array 'd himself in poor 
 Le Fever's regimental coat; and with his 
 hair tuck'd up under his Montero-cap, 
 which he had furbish 'd up for the occa- 
 sion, march' d three paces distant from his 
 master: a whiff of military pride had pufFd 
 out his shirt at the wrist; and upon that, 
 in a black leather thong clipp'd into a 
 tassel beyond the knot, hung the corporal's 
 
 227
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 stick My uncle Toby carried his cane 
 
 like a pike. 
 
 It looks well at least ; quoth my 
 father to himself. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 MY uncle Toby turn'd his head more 
 than once behind him, to see how 
 he was supported by the corporal; 
 and the corporal as oft as he did it, gave 
 a slight flourish with his stick but not 
 vapouringly; and with the sweetest accent 
 of most respectful encouragement, bid his 
 honour ' ' never fear. ' ' 
 
 Now my uncle Toby did fear; and griev- 
 ously too: he knew not (as my father had 
 reproach 'd him) so much as the right end 
 of a Woman from the wrong, and there- 
 fore was never altogether at his ease near 
 
 any one of them unless in sorrow or 
 
 distress; then infinite was his pity; nor 
 would the most courteous knight of ro- 
 mance have gone further, at least upon one 
 leg, to have wiped away a tear from a wo- 
 man's eye; and yet excepting once that he 
 
 228
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 was beguiled into it by Mrs Wadman, he 
 had never looked stedfastly into one; and 
 would often tell my father in the sim- 
 plicity of his heart, that it was almost (if 
 
 net about) as bad as talking bawdy. 
 
 And suppose it is? my father would 
 
 say. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 SHE cannot, quoth my uncle Toby, halting, 
 when they had march 'd up to within 
 
 twenty paces of Mrs Wadman 9 s door 
 she cannot, corporal, take it amiss. 
 
 She will take it, an' please your hon- 
 our, said the corporal, just as the Jew's widow 
 at Lisbon took it of my brother Tom. 
 
 And how was that? quoth my uncle 
 Toby, facing quite about to the corporal. 
 
 Your honour, replied the corporal, knows 
 of Tom's misfortunes; but this affair has 
 nothing to do with them any further than 
 this, That if Tom had not married the 
 
 widow or had it pleased God after their 
 
 marriage, that they had but put pork into 
 their sausages, the honest soul had never 
 
 999
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 been taken out of his warm bed, and 
 
 dragg'd to the inquisition 'Tis a cursed 
 
 place added the corporal, shaking his head, 
 when once a poor creature is in, he is in, 
 an' please your honour, for ever. 
 
 'Tis very true ; said my uncle Toby looking 
 gravely at Mrs Wadman's house, as he spoke. 
 
 Nothing, continued the corporal, can be 
 so sad as confinement for life or so sweet, 
 an' please your honour, as liberty. 
 
 Nothing, Trim- said my uncle Toby, 
 musing 
 
 Whilst a man is free cried the corporal, 
 giving a flourish with his stick thus 
 
 280
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 A thousand of my father's most subtle 
 syllogisms could not have said more for 
 celibacy. 
 
 My uncle Toby look'd earnestly towards 
 his cottage and his bowling-green. 
 
 The corporal had unwarily conjured up 
 the Spirit of calculation with his wand; 
 and he had nothing to do, but to conjure 
 him down again with his story, and in this 
 form of Exorcism, most un-ecclesiastically 
 did the coporal do it. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 AS Tom's place, an' please your honour, 
 was easy and the weather warm it 
 put him upon thinking seriously of 
 settling himself in the world; and as it fell 
 out about that time, that a Jew who kept 
 a sausage shop in the same street, had the 
 ill luck to die of a strangury, and leave his 
 widow in possession of a rousing trade 
 Tom thought (as every body in Lisbon was 
 doing the best he could devise for himself) 
 
 fSI
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 there could be no harm in offering her his 
 service to carry it on: so without any intro- 
 duction to the widow, except that of buy- 
 ing a pound of sausages at her shop Tom 
 set out counting the matter thus within 
 himself, as he walk'd along; that let the 
 worst come of it that could, he should 
 at least get a pound of sausages for their 
 worth but, if things went well, he should 
 be set up; inasmuch as he should get not 
 only a pound of sausages but a wife, and 
 a sausage shop, an' please your honour, into 
 the bargain. 
 
 Every servant in the family, from high to 
 low, wish'd Tom success; and I can fancy, 
 an' please your honour, I see him this mo- 
 ment with his white dimity waistcoat and 
 breeches, and hat a little o' one side, pass- 
 ing jollily along the street, swinging his 
 stick, with a smile and a chearful word for 
 
 every body he met : But alas ! Tom ! 
 
 thou smilest no more, cried the corporal, 
 looking on one side of him upon the 
 ground, as if he apostrophised him in his 
 dungeon. 
 
 Poor fellow! said my uncle Toby, feel- 
 ingly. 
 
 232
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 He was an honest, light-hearted lad, 
 an' please your honour, as ever blood 
 warm'd 
 
 Then he resembled thee, Trim, said 
 
 my uncle Toby, rapidly. 
 
 The corporal blush 'd down to his fingers' 
 ends a tear of sentimental bashfulness 
 another of gratitude to my uncle Toby 
 and a tear of sorrow for his brother's mis- 
 fortunes, started into his eye, and ran 
 sweetly down his cheek together; my uncle 
 Toby's kindled as one lamp does at another; 
 and taking hold of the breast of Trim's 
 coat (which had been that of Le Fever's), 
 as if to ease his lame leg, but in reality 
 
 to gratify a finer feeling he stood silent 
 
 for a minute and a half; at the end of 
 which he took his hand away, and the 
 corporal making a bow, went on with his 
 story of his brother and the Jew's widow. 
 
 2SS
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 WHEN Tom, an' please your honour, 
 got to the shop, there was nobody 
 in it, but a poor negro girl, with a 
 bunch of white feathers slightly tied to the 
 end of a long cane, flapping away flies not 
 
 killing them. 'Tis a pretty picture! said 
 
 my uncle Toby she had suffered persecu- 
 tion, Trim, and had learnt mercy 
 
 She was good, an' please your hon- 
 our, from nature, as well as from hardships; 
 and there are circumstances in the story of 
 that poor friendless slut, that would melt a 
 heart of stone, said Trim; and some dismal 
 winter's evening, when your honour is in 
 the humour, they shall be told you with 
 the rest of Tom's story, for it makes a 
 part of it 
 
 Then do not forget, Trim, said my uncle 
 Toby. 
 
 A negro has a soul ? an 9 please your hon- 
 our, said the corporal (doubtingly). 
 
 I am not much versed, corporal, quoth 
 my uncle Toby, in things of that kind; but 
 
 284
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 I suppose, God would not leave him with- 
 out one, any more than thee or me 
 
 It would be putting one sadly over 
 the head of another, quoth the corporal. 
 
 It would so; said my uncle Toby. Why 
 then, an' please your honour, is a black 
 wench to be used worse than a white 
 one ? 
 
 I can give no reason, said my uncle 
 Toby 
 
 Only, cried the corporal, shaking his 
 head, because she has no one to stand up 
 for her 
 
 'Tis that very thing, Trim, quoth 
 
 my uncle Toby, -which recommends her 
 
 to protection and her brethren with her; 
 
 'tis the fortune of war which has put the 
 whip into our hands now where it may 
 be hereafter, heaven knows ! - - but be it 
 where it will, the brave, Trim! will not use 
 it unkindly. 
 
 God forbid, said the corporal. 
 
 Amen, responded my uncle Toby, laying 
 his hand upon his heart. 
 
 The corporal returned to his story, and 
 went on but with an embarrassment in 
 doing it, which here and there a reader in 
 
 235
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 this world will not be able to comprehend; 
 for by the many sudden transitions all 
 along, from one kind and cordial passion 
 to another, in getting thus far on his way, 
 he had lost the sportable key of his voice, 
 which gave sense and spirit to his tale: he 
 attempted twice to resume it, but could 
 not please himself; so giving a stout hem! 
 to rally back the retreating spirits, and aid- 
 ing nature at the same time with his left 
 arm a-kimbo on one side, and with his 
 right a little extended, supporting her on 
 the other the corporal got as near the 
 note as he could; and in that attitude, 
 continued his story. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 AS Tom, an' please your honour, had no 
 business at that time with the Moorish 
 girl, he passed on into the room be- 
 yond, to talk to the Jew's widow about love 
 and this pound of sausages; and being, 
 as I have told your honour, an open, cheary- 
 
 236
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 hearted lad, with his character wrote in his 
 looks and carriage, he took a chair, and with- 
 out much apology, but with great civility at 
 the same time, placed it close to her at the 
 table, and sat down. 
 
 There is nothing so awkward, as courting 
 a woman, an' please your honour, whilst she 
 is making sausages So Tom began a dis- 
 course upon them ; first, gravely, - - ' * as 
 
 how they were made with what meats, 
 
 herbs, and spices" -Then a little gayly, 
 
 as, "With what skins and if they never 
 
 burst Whether the largest were not the 
 best?" and so on taking care only as 
 he went along, to season what he had to 
 say upon sausages, rather under, than over; 
 that he might have room to act in 
 It was owing to the neglect of that very 
 precaution, said my uncle Toby, laying his 
 hand upon Trim's shoulder, that Count De 
 la Motte lost the battle of Wynendale : he 
 pressed too speedily into the wood ; which 
 if he had not done, Lisle had not fallen 
 into our hands, nor Ghent and Bruges, 
 which both followed her example; it was 
 so late in the year, continued my uncle 
 Toby, and so terrible a season came on, 
 
 237
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 that if things had not fallen out as they 
 did, our troops must have perish 'd in the 
 open field. 
 
 Why, therefore, may not battles, an' 
 
 please your honour, as well as marriages, 
 be made in heaven ? My uncle Toby 
 mused. 
 
 Religion inclined him to say one thing, 
 and his high idea of military skill tempted 
 him to say another; so not being able to 
 frame a reply exactly to his mind my 
 uncle Toby said nothing at all; and the cor- 
 poral finished his story. 
 
 As Tom perceived, an' please your hon- 
 our, that he gained ground, and that all he 
 had said upon the subject of sausages was 
 kindly taken, he went on to help her a 
 
 little in making them. First, by taking 
 
 hold of the ring of the sausage whilst she 
 stroked the forced meat down with her 
 
 hand then by cutting the strings into 
 
 proper lengths, and holding them in his 
 hand, whilst she took them out one by 
 
 one then, by putting them across her 
 
 mouth, that she might take them out as 
 
 she wanted them and so on from little 
 
 to more, till at last he adventured to tie 
 
 238
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 the sausage himself, whilst she held the 
 snout. 
 
 Now a widow, an' please your hon- 
 our, always chuses a second husband as un- 
 like the first as she can: so the affair was 
 more than half settled in her mind before 
 Tom mentioned it. 
 
 She made a feint however of defending 
 
 herself, by snatching up a sausage : 
 
 Tom instantly laid hold of another 
 
 But seeing Tom's had more gristle in 
 
 X v 
 
 She signed the capitulation and Tom 
 
 sealed it; and there was an end of the 
 matter. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 ALL womankind, continued Trim, (com- 
 menting upon his story) from the 
 highest to the lowest, an' please 
 your honour, love jokes ; the difficulty is 
 to know how they chuse to have them cut; 
 and there is no knowing that, but by try- 
 ing, as we do with our artillery in the field, 
 
 239
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 by raising or letting down their breeches, 
 
 till we hit the mark. 
 
 I like the comparison, said my uncle 
 Toby, better than the thing itself- 
 
 -Because your honour, quoth the cor- 
 poral, loves glory, more than pleasure. 
 
 I hope, Trim, answered my uncle Toby, 
 I love mankind more than either; and as 
 the knowledge of arms tends so apparently 
 to the good and quiet of the world 
 and particularly that branch of it which we 
 have practised together in our bowling- 
 green, has no object but to shorten the 
 strides of AMBITION, and intrench the lives 
 and fortunes of the few, from the plunder- 
 ings of the many -whenever that drum 
 beats in our ears, 1 trust, corporal, we 
 shall neither of us want so much humanity 
 and fellow-feeling, as to face about and 
 march. 
 
 In pronouncing this, my uncle Toby faced 
 about, and march 'd firmly as at the head of 
 his company- and the faithful corporal, 
 shouldering his stick, and striking his hand 
 upon his coat-skirt as he took his first step 
 
 march 'd close behind him down the 
 avenue. 
 
 240
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 -Now what can their two noddles be 
 
 about? cried my father to my mother - 
 
 by all that's strange, they are besieging 
 Mrs Wadman in form, and are marching 
 round her house to mark out the lines of 
 circumvallation. 
 
 I dare say, quoth my mother But 
 
 stop, dear Sir for what my mother dared 
 
 to say upon the occasion and what my 
 
 father did say upon it with her replies 
 
 and his rejoinders, shall be read, perused, 
 paraphrased, commented, and descanted upon 
 or to say it all in a word, shall be thumb 'd 
 
 over by Posterity in a chapter apart 1 say, 
 
 by Posterity and care not, if I repeat the 
 word again for what has this book done 
 more than the Legation of Moses, or the 
 Tale of a Tub, that it may not swim down 
 the gutter of Time along with them? 
 
 I will not argue the matter: Time wastes 
 too fast: every letter I trace tells me with 
 what rapidity Life follows my pen ; the 
 days and hours of it, more precious, my 
 dear Jenny ! than the rubies about thy 
 neck, are flying over our heads like light 
 clouds of a windy day, never to return 
 more every thing presses on -whilst 
 
 241
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 thou art twisting that lock, - - see ! it 
 grows grey; and every time I kiss thy 
 hand to bid adieu, and every absence which 
 follows it, are preludes to that eternal sepa- 
 ration which we are shortly to make. 
 Heaven have mercy upon us both! 
 
 N 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 OW, for what the world thinks of 
 
 that ejaculation 1 would not give 
 
 a groat. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 MY mother had gone with her left arm 
 twisted in my father's right, till they 
 had got to the fatal angle of the old 
 garden wall, where Doctor Slop was over- 
 thrown by Obadiah on the coach-horse: as 
 this was directly opposite to the front of 
 
 242
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Mrs Madman's house, when my father came 
 to it, he gave a look across; and seeing my 
 uncle Toby and the corporal within ten 
 
 paces of the door, he turn'd about "Let 
 
 us just stop a moment, quoth my father, 
 and see with what ceremonies my brother 
 Toby and his man Trim make their first 
 entry it will not detain us, added my 
 father, a single minute:" No matter, if 
 it be ten minutes, quoth my mother. 
 
 It will not detain us half one; said 
 my father. 
 
 The corporal was just then setting in 
 with the story of his brother Tom and the 
 Jew's widow: the story went on and on 
 
 it had episodes in it it came back, 
 
 and went on and on again; there was 
 
 no end of it the reader found it very 
 long 
 
 G help my father! he pish'd fifty 
 times at every new attitude, and gave the 
 corporal's stick, with all its flourishings and 
 danglings, to as many devils as chose to 
 accept of them. 
 
 When issues of events like these my 
 father is waiting for, are hanging in the 
 scales of fate, the mind has the advantage 
 
 243
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 of changing the principle of expectation 
 three times, without which it would not 
 have power to see it out. 
 
 Curiosity governs the first moment; and 
 the second moment is all oeconomy to jus- 
 tify the expence of the first and for the 
 
 third, fourth, fifth, and sixth moments, and 
 so on to the day of judgment 'tis a point 
 of HONOUR. 
 
 I need not be told, that the ethic writers 
 have assigned this all to Patience; but that 
 VIRTUE, methinks, has extent of dominion 
 sufficient of her own, and enough to do 
 in it, without invading the few dismantled 
 castles which HONOUR has left him upon 
 the earth. 
 
 My father stood it out as well as he 
 could with these three auxiliaries to the 
 end of Trim's story; and from thence to 
 the end of my uncle Toby's panegyrick 
 upon arms, in the chapter following it; 
 when seeing, that instead of marching up 
 to Mrs Wadman's door, they both faced 
 about and march 'd down the avenue dia- 
 metrically opposite to his expectation he 
 broke out at once with that little subacid 
 soreness of humour which, in certain situa- 
 
 241
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 tions, distinguished his character from that 
 of all other men. 
 
 N 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 OW what can their two noddles 
 be about ? ' ' cried my father - - 
 
 &c. 
 
 I dare say, said my mother, they are 
 
 making fortifications 
 
 Not on Mrs Wadman's premises! 
 
 cried my father, stepping back 
 
 I suppose not: quoth my mother. 
 I wish, said my father, raising his voice, 
 the whole science of fortification at the devil, 
 with all its trumpery of saps, mines, blinds, 
 gabions, fausse-brays and cuvetts 
 
 -They are foolish things said my 
 
 mother. 
 
 Now she had a way, which, by the bye, 
 I would this moment give away my purple 
 jerkin, and my yellow slippers into the bar- 
 gain, if some of your reverences would im- 
 itate and that was, never to refuse her 
 
 245
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 assent and consent to any proposition my 
 father laid before her, merely because she 
 did not understand it, or had no ideas of 
 the principal word or term of art, upon 
 which the tenet or proposition rolled. She 
 contented herself with doing all that her 
 godfathers and godmothers promised for her 
 but no more; and so would go on using 
 a hard word twenty years together and 
 replying to it too, if it was a verb, in all 
 its moods and tenses, without giving her- 
 self any trouble to enquire about it. 
 
 This was an eternal source of misery to 
 my father, and broke the neck, at the first 
 setting out, of more good dialogues be- 
 tween them, than could have done the 
 most petulant contradiction - - the few 
 which survived were the better for the 
 
 cuvetts 
 
 -"They are foolish things;" said my 
 mother. 
 
 Particularly the cuvetts; replied my 
 father. 
 
 'Tis enough he tasted the sweet of 
 triumph and went on. 
 
 -Not that they are, properly speaking, 
 Mrs Wadmari's premises, said my father, 
 
 246
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 partly correcting himself because she is 
 
 but tenant for life 
 
 -That makes a great difference said 
 my mother 
 
 In a fool's head, replied my father 
 
 Unless she should happen to have a child 
 said my mother 
 
 Toby first to get her one 
 
 -To be sure, Mr Shandy, quoth my 
 mother. 
 
 -Though if it comes to persuasion 
 said my father Lord have mercy upon 
 them. 
 
 Amen: said my mother, piano. 
 
 Amen: cried my father, fortissime. 
 
 Amen : said my mother again but with 
 
 such a sighing cadence of personal pity at 
 the end of it, as discomfited every fibre 
 about my father he instantly took out his 
 almanack; but before he could untie it, 
 Yorick's congregation coming out of church, 
 became a full answer to one-half of his bus- 
 iness with it and my mother telling him it 
 w r as a sacrament day left him as little in 
 doubt, as to the other part He put his 
 almanack into his pocket. 
 
 247
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 The first Lord of the Treasury thinking 
 of ways and means, could not have returned 
 home, with a more embarrassed look. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 UPON looking back from the end of the 
 last chapter, and surveying the texture 
 of what has been wrote, it is neces- 
 sary, that upon this page and the three fol- 
 lowing, a good quantity of heterogeneous 
 matter be inserted, to keep up that just 
 balance betwixt wisdom and folly, without 
 which a book would not hold together a 
 single year : nor is it a poor creeping 
 digression (which but for the name of, a 
 man might continue as well going on in 
 the king's highway) which will do the busi- 
 ness no; if it is to be a digression, it 
 
 must be a good frisky one, and upon a 
 frisky subject too, where neither the horse 
 or his rider are to be caught, but by re- 
 bound. 
 
 The only difficulty, is raising powers suit- 
 
 248
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 able to the nature of the service: FANCY 
 is capricious WIT must be searched for 
 and PLEASANTRY (good-natured slut as she 
 is) will not come in at a call, was an empire 
 to be laid at her feet. 
 
 -The best way for a man, is to say 
 his prayers- 
 Only if it puts him in mind of his infirm- 
 ities and defects as well ghostly as bodily 
 for that purpose, he will find himself rather 
 worse after he has said them than before 
 for other purposes, better. 
 
 For my own part, there is not a way 
 either moral or mechanical under heaven 
 that I could think of, which I have not 
 taken with myself in this case: sometimes 
 by addressing myself directly to the soul 
 herself, and arguing the point over and over 
 again with her upon the extent of her own 
 faculties 
 
 1 never could make them an inch 
 
 the wider 
 
 Then by changing my system, and trying 
 what could be made of it upon the body, 
 by temperance, soberness, and chastity : 
 These are good, quoth I, in themselves 
 they are good, absolutely; they are good, 
 
 249
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 relatively; they are good for health they 
 are good for happiness in this world they 
 are good for happiness in the next 
 
 In short, they were good for every thing 
 but the thing wanted; and there they were 
 good for nothing, but to leave the soul just 
 as heaven made it: as for the theological 
 virtues of faith and hope, they give it 
 courage; but then that snivelling virtue of 
 Meekness (as my father would always call 
 it) takes it quite away again, so you are 
 exactly where you started. 
 
 Now in all common and ordinary cases, 
 there is nothing which I have found to 
 
 answer so well as this 
 
 Certainly, if there is any dependence 
 upon Logic, and that I am not blinded by 
 self-love, there must be something of true 
 genius about me, merely upon this symp- 
 tom of it, that I do not know what envy 
 is: for never do I hit upon any invention 
 or device which tendeth to the furtherance 
 of good writing, but I instantly make it 
 public ; willing that all mankind should 
 write as well as myself. 
 
 -Which they certainly will, when they 
 think as little. 
 
 250
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 NOW in ordinary cases, that is, when 1 
 am only stupid, and the thoughts rise 
 heavily and pass gummous through 
 my pen 
 
 Or that I am got, I know not how, 
 into a cold unmetaphorical vein of infa- 
 mous writing, and cannot take a plumb- 
 lift out of it for my soul; so must be 
 obliged to go on writing like a Dutch 
 commentator to the end of the chapter, 
 
 unless something be done 
 
 I never stand conferring with pen 
 and ink one moment; for if a pinch of 
 snuff, or a stride or two across the room 
 will not do the business for me I take a 
 razor at once; and having tried the edge of 
 it upon the palm of my hand, without fur- 
 ther ceremony, except that of first lathering 
 my beard, I shave it off; taking care only 
 if I do leave a hair, that it be not a grey 
 one: this done, I change my shirt put on 
 a better coat send for my last wig put
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 my topaz ring upon my finger; and in a 
 word, dress myself from one end to the 
 other of me, after my best fashion. 
 
 Now the devil in hell must be in it, if 
 this does not do: for consider, Sir, as every 
 man chuses to be present at the shaving of 
 his own beard (though there is no rule with- 
 out an exception), and unavoidably sits over- 
 against himself the whole time it is doing, 
 in case he has a hand in it the Situation, 
 like all others, has notions of her own to 
 put into the brain. 
 
 1 maintain it, the conceits of a rough- 
 bearded man, are seven years more terse and 
 juvenile for one single operation; and if they 
 did not run a risk of being quite shaved 
 away, might be carried up by continual 
 shavings, to the highest pitch of sublimity 
 How Homer could write with so long a 
 
 beard, I don't know and as it makes 
 
 against my hypothesis, I as little care 
 But let us return to the Toilet. 
 
 Ludovicus Sorbonensis makes this entirely 
 an affair of the body (e|oTe^/c^ Trpafa) as he 
 
 calls it but he is deceived: the soul and 
 
 body are joint-sharers in every thing they 
 get: A man cannot dress, but his ideas get 
 
 869
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 cloath'd at the same time; and if he dresses 
 like a gentleman, every one of them stands 
 presented to his imagination, genteelized 
 along with him so that he has nothing 
 to do, but take his pen, and write like 
 himself. 
 
 For this cause, when your honours and 
 reverences would know whether I writ clean 
 and fit to be read, you will be able to 
 judge full as well by looking into my 
 Laundress's bill, as my book: there was 
 one single month in which I can make it 
 appear, that I dirtied one and thirty shirts 
 with clean writing; and after all, was more 
 abus'd, cursed, criticis'd, and confounded, 
 and had more mystic heads shaken at me, 
 for what I had wrote in that one month, 
 than in all the other months of that year 
 put together. 
 
 But their honours and reverences had 
 not seen my bills. 
 
 353
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 AS I never had any intention of begin- 
 ning the Digression, I am making all 
 this preparation for, till I come to the 
 
 15th chapter 1 have this chapter to put 
 
 to whatever use I think proper I have 
 twenty this moment ready for it I could 
 write my chapter of Button-holes in it 
 
 Or my chapter of Pishes, which should 
 follow them 
 
 Or my chapter of Knots, in case their 
 
 reverences have done with them they 
 
 might lead me into mischief: the safest 
 way is to follow the track of the learned, 
 and raise objections against what I have 
 been writing, tho' I declare beforehand, I 
 know no more than my heels how to an- 
 swer them. 
 
 And first, it may be said, there is a pelt- 
 ing kind of thersitical satire, as black as the 
 
 very ink 'tis wrote with (and by the 
 
 bye, whoever says so, is indebted to the 
 
 864
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 muster- master general of the Grecian army, 
 for suffering the name of so ugly and foul- 
 mouth 'd a man as Ther sites to continue 
 upon his roll -for it has furnish'd him 
 
 with an epithet) in these productions he 
 
 will urge, all the personal washings and 
 scrubbings upon earth do a sinking genius 
 no sort of good but just the contrary, 
 inasmuch as the dirtier the fellow is, the 
 better generally he succeeds in it. 
 
 To this, I have no other answer at least 
 
 ready but that the Archbishop of Bene- 
 
 vento wrote his nasty Romance of the Gala- 
 tea, as all the world knows, in a purple coat, 
 waistcoat, and purple pair of breeches; and 
 that the penance set him of writing a com- 
 mentary upon the book of the Revelations, 
 as severe as it was look'd upon by one part 
 of the world, was far from being deem'd 
 so, by the other, upon the single account of 
 that Investment. 
 
 Another objection, to all this remedy, is 
 its want of universality; forasmuch as the 
 shaving part of it, upon which so much 
 stress is laid, by an unalterable law of na- 
 ture excludes one-half of the species entirely 
 from its use: all I can say is, that female 
 
 f55
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 writers, whether of England, or of France, 
 
 must e'en go without it 
 
 As for the Spanish ladies 1 am in no 
 
 sort of distress 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 fifteenth chapter is come at last; 
 A and brings nothing with it but a sad 
 signature of ' ' How our pleasures slip 
 from under us in this world!" 
 
 For in talking of my digression 1 de- 
 clare before heaven I have made it! What 
 a strange creature is mortal man! said she. 
 
 'Tis very true, said I but 'twere better 
 to get all these things out of our heads, and 
 return to my uncle Toby.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 WHEN my uncle Toby and the cor- 
 poral had marched down to the bot- 
 tom of the avenue, they recollected 
 their business lay the other way; so they 
 faced about and marched up straight to 
 Mrs Wadman's door. 
 
 I warrant your honour; said the corporal, 
 touching his Mont ero- cap with his hand, as 
 he passed him in order to give a knock at 
 the door My uncle Toby, contrary to his 
 invariable way of treating his faithful ser- 
 vant, said nothing good or bad : the truth 
 was, he had not altogether marshal'd his 
 ideas; he wish'd for another conference, and 
 as the corporal was mounting up the three 
 steps before the door he hem'd twice a 
 portion of my uncle Toby's most modest 
 spirits fled, at each expulsion, towards the 
 corporal; he stood with the rapper of the 
 door suspended for a full minute in his 
 hand, he scarce knew why. Bridget stood 
 perdue within, with her finger and her thumb 
 
 257
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 upon the latch, benumb'd with expectation; 
 and Mrs Wadman, with an eye ready to be 
 deflowered again, sat breathless behind the 
 window- curtain of her bed-chamber, watch- 
 ing their approach. 
 
 Trim! said my uncle Toby but as he 
 articulated the word, the minute expired, 
 and Trim let fall the rapper. 
 
 My uncle Toby perceiving that all hopes 
 of a conference were knock' d on the head 
 by it whistled Lillabullero. 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 AS Mrs Bridget's finger and thumb were 
 upon the latch, the corporal did not 
 knock as oft as perchance your hon- 
 our's taylor 1 might have taken my ex- 
 ample something nearer home ; for I owe 
 mine, some five and twenty pounds at least, 
 and wonder at the man's patience 
 
 But this is nothing at all to the 
 world: only 'tis a cursed thing to be in 
 debt; and there seems to be a fatality in 
 
 258
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 the exchequers of some poor princes, par- 
 ticularly those of our house, which no 
 Economy can bind down in irons : for my 
 own part, I'm persuaded there is not any 
 one prince, prelate, pope, or potentate, great 
 or small upon earth, more desirous in his 
 heart of keeping straight with the world 
 than I am or who takes more likely 
 means for it. I never give above half a 
 
 guinea or walk with boots or cheapen 
 
 tooth-picks or lay out a shilling upon a 
 
 band-box the year round; and for the six 
 months I'm in the country, I'm upon so 
 small a scale, that with all the good tem- 
 per in the world, I outdo Rousseau, a bar 
 
 length for I keep neither man or boy, 
 
 or horse, or cow, or dog, or cat, or any 
 thing that can eat or drink, except a thin 
 poor piece of a Vestal (to keep my fire in), 
 and who has generally as bad an appetite 
 
 as myself but if you think this makes a 
 
 philosopher of me I would not, my good 
 people! give a rush for your judgments. 
 
 True philosophy but there is no treat- 
 ing the subject whilst my uncle is whistling 
 Lillabullero. 
 
 Let us go into the house. 
 
 959
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 f60
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 MY UNCLE TOBY'S WHISTLE, 
 LILLIBULLERO. 
 
 The Ballad $ to this tune was written in the year 1686, 
 on account of King James II. nominating to the Lieutenancy 
 of Ireland General Talbot, newly created Earl of Tyrconnel, a 
 furious Papist, who had recommended himself to his bigotted 
 master by his arbitrary treatment of the Protestants in the 
 preceding year, when only Lieutenant General; and whose 
 subsequent conduct fully justified his expectations and their 
 fears. 
 
 This foolish Ballad, treating the Papists, and chiefly the 
 Irish, in a very ridiculous manner, had a burden, said to be 
 Irish words, " Lero, lero, lillibullero; " and made an impres- 
 sion on the (King's) army, more powerful than either the 
 philippics of Demosthenes or Cicero. The whole army, and 
 at last the people, both in city and country, were singing it 
 perpetually. Perhaps never had so slight a thing so great an 
 effect; for it contributed not a little towards the Revolution in 
 1688. 
 
 LILLIBULLERO and BULLEN-A-LAH, are said to have 
 been the watch-words used among the Irish Papists, in their 
 massacre of the Protestants in 1641. 
 
 + See Percy's Reliques of Ancient English Poetry, Vol. II, 
 page 358. 
 
 See Bishop Burnet's History of His Own Times; and 
 King's State of the Protestants in Ireland, 1691, 4to.
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 863
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 * 
 
 
 -You shall see the very place, Madam; 
 said my uncle Toby. 
 
 Mrs Wadman blush'd look'd towards 
 
 the door turn'd pale blush'd slightly 
 
 again recover'd her natural colour 
 
 blush'd worse than ever ; which, for the 
 sake of the unlearned reader, I translate 
 thus 
 
 "Z/ d! I cannot look at it 
 W^hat would the world say if I looked 
 
 at it? 
 I should drop down, if I looked at it 
 
 I wish I could look at it 
 
 There can be no sin in looking at it. 
 
 / will look at it." 
 
 Whilst all this was running through Mrs
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Wadmaii's imagination, my uncle Toby had 
 risen from the sopha, and got to the other 
 side of the parlour door, to give Trim an 
 order about it in the passage 
 
 * 1 believe it is in the garret, said 
 
 my uncle Toby I saw it there, an' please 
 your honour, this morning, answered Trim 
 -Then prithee, step directly for it, Trim, 
 said my uncle Toby, and bring it into the 
 parlour. 
 
 The corporal did not approve of the 
 orders, but most chearfully obeyed them. 
 The first was not an act of his will the 
 second was; so he put on his Jlfontero-c&p, 
 and went as fast as his lame knee would 
 let him. My uncle Toby returned into the 
 parlour, and sat himself down again upon 
 the sopha. 
 
 -You shall lay your finger upon the 
 place said my uncle Toby. -I will not 
 touch it, however, quoth Mrs Wadman to 
 herself. 
 
 This requires a second translation : it 
 shews what little knowledge is got by 
 mere words we must go up to the first 
 springs. 
 
 265
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Now in order to clear up the mist which 
 hangs upon these three pages, I must en- 
 deavour to be as clear as possible myself. 
 
 Rub your hands thrice across your fore- 
 heads blow your noses cleanse your 
 
 emunctories sneeze, my good people! 
 
 God bless you 
 
 Now give me all the help you can. 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 AS there are fifty different ends (count- 
 ing all ends in as well civil as re- 
 ligious) for which a woman takes a 
 husband, she first sets about and carefully 
 weighs, then separates and distinguishes in 
 her mind, which of all that number of 
 ends, is hers: then by discourse, enquiry, 
 argumentation, and inference, she investi- 
 gates and finds out whether she has got 
 
 hold of the right one and if she has 
 
 then, by pulling it gently this way and that 
 way, she further forms a judgment, whether 
 it will not break in the drawing. 
 
 The imagery under which Slawkenbergius 
 
 266
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 impresses this upon the reader's fancy, in 
 the beginning of his third Decad, is so 
 ludicrous, that the honour I bear the sex, 
 
 will not suffer me to quote it otherwise 
 
 it is not destitute of humour. 
 
 ' ' She first, saith Slawkenbergius, stops the 
 asse, and holding his halter in her left hand 
 (lest he should get away) she thrusts her 
 right hand into the very bottom of his pan- 
 nier to search for it For what? you'll not 
 know the sooner, quoth Slawkenbergius, for 
 interrupting me 
 
 ' ' I have nothing, good Lady, but empty 
 bottles;" says the asse. 
 
 "I'm loaded with tripes;" says the sec- 
 ond. 
 
 And thou art little better, quoth she 
 to the third; for nothing is there in thy 
 panniers but trunk- hose and pantofles and 
 so to the fourth and fifth, going on one by 
 one through the whole string, till coming to 
 the asse which carries it, she turns the pan- 
 nier upside down, looks at it considers it- 
 samples it measures it stretches it wets 
 it dries it then takes her teeth both to 
 the warp and weft of it 
 
 Of what? for the love of Christ! 
 
 267
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 I am determined, answered Slawkenbergius, 
 that all the powers upon earth shall never 
 wring that secret from my breast. 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 WE live in a world beset on all sides 
 with mysteries and riddles and 
 
 so 'tis no matter else it seems 
 
 strange, that Nature, who makes every 
 thing so well to answer its destination, 
 and seldom or never errs, unless for pas- 
 time, in giving such forms and aptitudes 
 to whatever passes through her hands, that 
 whether she designs for the plough, the 
 caravan, the cart or whatever other creat- 
 ure she models, be it but an asse's foal, 
 you are sure to have the thing you wanted; 
 and yet at the same time should so eter- 
 nally bungle it as she does, in making so 
 simple a thing as a married man. 
 
 Whether it is in the choice of the clay 
 
 or that it is frequently spoiled in the 
 
 baking; by an excess of which a husband 
 
 268
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 may turn out too crusty (you know) on 
 
 one hand or not enough so, through 
 
 defect of heat, on the other or whether 
 
 this great Artificer is not so attentive to 
 the little Platonic exigences of that part 
 of the species, for whose use she is fabri- 
 cating this or that her Ladyship some- 
 times scarce knows what sort of a husband 
 
 will do 1 know not: we will discourse 
 
 about it after supper. 
 
 It is enough, that neither the observation 
 itself, or the reasoning upon it, are at all to 
 
 the purpose but rather against it; since 
 
 with regard to my uncle Toby's fitness for 
 the marriage state, nothing was ever better: 
 she had formed him of the best and kind- 
 liest clay had temper' d it with her own 
 
 milk, and breathed into it the sweetest 
 spirit - she had made him all gentle, 
 
 generous, and humane she had filled his 
 
 heart with trust and confidence, and dis- 
 posed every passage which led to it, for 
 the communication of the tenderest offices 
 
 she had moreover considered the other 
 causes for which matrimony was ordained 
 
 And accordingly ***** 
 
 269
 
 ** 
 
 The DONATION was not defeated by my 
 uncle Toby's wound. 
 
 Now this last article was somewhat apocry- 
 phal; and the Devil, who is the great dis- 
 turber of our faiths in this world, had raised 
 scruples in Mrs Wadman's brain about it; 
 and like a true devil as he was, had done 
 his own work at the same time, by turn- 
 ing my uncle Toby's Virtue thereupon into 
 nothing but empty bottles, tripes, trunk-hose, 
 and pantofles. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 MRS Bridget had pawn'd all the little 
 stock of honour a poor chambermaid 
 was worth in the world, that she 
 would get to the bottom of the affair in 
 ten days; and it was built upon one of the 
 most concessible postulata in nature: name- 
 ly, that whilst my uncle Toby was making 
 love to her mistress, the corporal could find 
 
 270
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 nothing better to do, than make love to 
 her-- -"And I'll let him, as much as he 
 will, said Bridget, to get it out of him.''' 
 
 Friendship has two garments; an outer, 
 and an under one. Bridget was serving 
 her mistress's interests in the one and 
 doing the thing which most pleased her- 
 self in the other; so had as many stakes 
 depending upon my uncle Toby's wound, 
 
 as the Devil himself Mrs Woodman had 
 
 but one and as it possibly might be her 
 last (without discouraging Mrs Bridget, or 
 discrediting her talents) was determined to 
 play her cards herself. 
 
 She wanted not encouragement: a child 
 might have look'd into his hand- -there 
 was such a plainness and simplicity in his 
 playing out what trumps he had - - with 
 such an unmistrusting ignorance of the ten- 
 ace and so naked and defenceless did he 
 
 sit upon the same sopha with widow Wad- 
 man, that a generous heart would have wept 
 to have won the game of him. 
 
 Let us drop the metaphor. 
 
 371
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 A 1 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 ND the story too if you please: 
 for though I have all along been 
 hastening towards this part of it, 
 with so much earnest desire, as well know- 
 ing it to be the choicest morsel of what I 
 had to offer to the world, yet now that I 
 am got to it, any one is welcome to take 
 my pen, and go on with the story for me 
 that will I see the difficulties of the de- 
 scriptions I'm going to give and feel my 
 want of powers. 
 
 It is one comfort at least to me, that 
 I lost some fourscore ounces of blood this 
 week in a most uncritical fever which at- 
 tacked me at the beginning of this chapter; 
 so that I have still some hopes remaining, 
 it may be more in the serous or globular 
 parts of the blood, than in the subtile aura 
 
 of the brain be it which it will an 
 
 Invocation can do no hurt and I leave 
 
 the affair entirely to the invoked, to inspire 
 or to inject me according as he sees good, 
 
 272
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 THE INVOCATION. 
 
 GENTLE Spirit of sweetest humour, 
 who erst did sit upon the easy pen 
 
 of my beloved CERVANTES ; Thou 
 who glided 'st daily through his lattice, 
 and turned 'st the twilight of his prison 
 into noon- day brightness by thy presence 
 tinged 'st his little urn of water with 
 heaven-sent nectar, and all the time he 
 wrote of Sancho and his master, didst cast 
 thy mystic mantle o'er his wither'd stump,* 
 and wide extended it to all the evils of his 
 life- 
 
 -Turn in hither, I beseech thee! 
 
 behold these breeches ! - - they are all I 
 
 have in the world that piteous rent was 
 
 given them at Lyons 
 
 My shirts! see what a deadly schism has 
 happen 'd amongst 'em for the laps are in 
 Lombardy, and the rest of 'em here I 
 never had but six, and a cunning gypsey 
 of a laundress at Milan cut me off the fore- 
 
 * He lost his hand at the battle of Lepanto. 
 
 273
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 laps of five To do her justice, she did it 
 with some consideration for I was return- 
 ing out of Italy. 
 
 And yet, notwithstanding all this, and a 
 pistol tinder-box which was moreover filch'd 
 from me at Sienna, and twice that I pay'd 
 five Pauls for two hard eggs, once at Rad- 
 dicqffini, and a second time at Capua I do 
 not think a journey through France and 
 Italy, provided a man keeps his temper all 
 the way, so bad a thing as some people 
 would make you believe: there must be 
 ups and downs, or how the duce should we 
 get into vallies where Nature spreads so 
 many tables of entertainment. 'Tis non- 
 sense to imagine they will lend you their 
 voitures to be shaken to pieces for noth- 
 ing; and unless you pay twelve sous for 
 greasing your wheels, how should the poor 
 peasant get butter to his bread? We really 
 expect too much and for the livre or two 
 above par for your suppers and bed at the 
 most they are but one shilling and nine- 
 pence halfpenny who would embroil their 
 
 philosophy for it? for heaven's and for your 
 
 own sake, pay it pay it with both hands 
 
 open, rather than leave Disappointment sit- 
 
 2T4
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 ting drooping upon the eye of your fair 
 Hostess and her Damsels in the gate-way, 
 
 at your departure and besides, my dear 
 
 Sir, you get a sisterly kiss of each of 'em 
 
 worth a pound at least I did 
 
 For my uncle Toby's amours running 
 all the way in my head, they had the same 
 effect upon me as if they had been my 
 own I was in the most perfect state of 
 bounty and good-will; and felt the kindliest 
 harmony vibrating within me, with every 
 oscillation of the chaise alike; so that 
 whether the roads were rough or smooth, 
 it made no difference; every thing I saw 
 or had to do with, touch 'd upon some 
 secret spring either of sentiment or rap- 
 ture. 
 
 They were the sweetest notes I ever 
 
 heard; and I instantly let down the fore- 
 glass to hear them more distinctly -'Tis 
 Maria; said the postillion, observing I was 
 
 listening Poor Maria, continued he 
 
 (leaning his body on one side to let me see 
 her, for he was in a line betwixt us), is sit- 
 ting upon a bank playing her vespers upon 
 her pipe, with her little goat beside her. 
 The young fellow utter'd this with an 
 
 275
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 accent and a look so perfectly in tune to a 
 feeling heart, that I instantly made a vow, 
 I would give him a four -and -twenty sous 
 piece, when I got to Moulins 
 
 And who is poor Maria ? said I. 
 
 The love and piety of all the villages 
 
 around us; said the postillion it is but 
 
 three years ago, that the sun did not shine 
 upon so fair, so quick-witted and amiable a 
 maid; and better fate did Maria deserve, 
 than to have her Banns forbid, by the in- 
 trigues of the curate of the parish who pub- 
 lished them 
 
 He was going on, when Maria, who had 
 made a short pause, put the pipe to her 
 
 mouth, and began the air again they 
 
 were the same notes; yet were ten times 
 
 sweeter: It is the evening service to the 
 
 Virgin, said the young man but who has 
 
 taught her to play it or how she came by 
 her pipe, no one knows ; we think that 
 heaven has assisted her in both ; for ever 
 since she has been unsettled in her mind, 
 
 it seems her only consolation she has 
 
 never once had the pipe out of her hand, 
 but plays that service upon it almost night 
 and day. 
 
 276
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 The postillion delivered this with so much 
 discretion and natural eloquence, that I could 
 not help decyphering something in his face 
 above his condition, and should have sifted 
 out his history, had not poor Maria taken 
 such full possession of me. 
 
 We had got up by this time almost to 
 the bank where Maria was sitting: she was 
 in a thin white jacket, with her hair, all 
 but two tresses, drawn up into a silk-net, 
 with a few olive leaves twisted a little fan- 
 tastically on one side she was beautiful; 
 
 and if ever I felt the full force of an 
 honest heart-ache, it was the moment I 
 saw her 
 
 God help her ! poor damsel ! above 
 
 a hundred masses, said the postillion, have 
 been said in the several parish churches and 
 convents around, for her, - - but without 
 effect; we have still hopes, as she is sensi- 
 ble for short intervals, that the Virgin at 
 last will restore her to herself; but her 
 parents, who know her best, are hopeless 
 upon that score, and think her senses are 
 lost for ever. 
 
 As the postillion spoke this, MARIA made 
 a cadence so melancholy, so tender and 
 
 277
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 querulous, that I sprung out of the chaise 
 to help her, and found myself sitting be- 
 twixt her and her goat before I relapsed 
 from my enthusiasm. 
 
 MARIA look'd wistfully for some time at 
 
 me, and then at her goat and then at 
 
 me and then at her goat again, and so 
 
 on, alternately 
 
 -Well, Maria, said I softly What 
 
 resemblance do you find ? 
 
 I do entreat the candid reader to believe 
 me, that it was from the humblest convic- 
 tion of what a Beast man is, that I 
 
 asked the question; and that I would not 
 have let fallen an unseasonable pleasantry 
 in the venerable presence of Misery, to be 
 entitled to all the wit that ever Rabelais 
 
 scatter 'd and yet I own my heart smote 
 
 me, and that I so smarted at the very idea 
 of it, that I swore I would set up for Wis- 
 dom, and utter grave sentences the rest of 
 
 my days -and never never attempt 
 
 again to commit mirth with man, woman, 
 or child, the longest day I had to live. 
 
 As for writing nonsense to them 1 
 
 believe, there was a reserve but that I 
 leave to the world. 
 
 278
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Adieu, Maria! adieu, poor hapless dam- 
 sel!- some time, but not now, I may 
 hear thy sorrows from thy own lips 
 but I was deceived; for that moment she 
 took her pipe and told me such a tale of 
 woe with it, that I rose up, and with 
 broken and irregular steps walk'd softly to 
 my chaise. 
 
 What an excellent inn at Moulins! 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 WHEN we have got to the end of this 
 chapter (but not before) we must all 
 turn back to the two blank chapters, 
 on the account of which my honour has lain 
 
 bleeding this half hour 1 stop it, by 
 
 pulling off one of my yellow slippers and 
 throwing it with all my violence to the 
 opposite side of my room, with a declara- 
 tion at the heel of it 
 
 That whatever resemblance it may 
 
 bear to half the chapters which are writ- 
 ten in the world, or for aught I know, 
 
 279
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 may be now writing in it that it was as 
 casual as the foam of Zeuocis his horse: 
 besides, I look upon a chapter which has, 
 only nothing in it, with respect; and con- 
 sidering what worse things there are in the 
 world That it is no way a proper sub- 
 ject for satire 
 
 Why then was it left so? And here 
 without staying for my reply, shall I be 
 called as many blockheads, numsculs, dod- 
 dypoles, dunderheads, ninnyhammers, goose- 
 caps, joltheads, nincompoops, and sh - - t-a- 
 
 beds and other unsavoury appellations, as 
 
 ever the cake-bakers of Lerne cast in the 
 
 teeth of King Garangantari 's shepherds 
 
 And I'll let them do it, as Bridget said, 
 as much as they please; for how was it 
 possible they should foresee the necessity I 
 was under of writing the 25th chapter of 
 my book, before the 18th, &c. ? 
 
 So I don't take it amiss All I 
 
 wish is, that it may be a lesson to the 
 world, ' ' to let people tell their stories their 
 own way.' 9 
 
 280
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 THE EIGHTEENTH CHAPTER. 
 
 AS Mrs Bridget opened the door before 
 the corporal had well given the rap, 
 the interval betwixt that and my 
 uncle Toby's introduction into the parlour, 
 was so short, that Mrs Wadman had but 
 just time to get from behind the curtain 
 
 lay a Bible upon the table, and ad- 
 vance a step or two towards the door to 
 receive him. 
 
 My uncle Toby saluted Mrs Wadman, 
 after the manner in which women were 
 saluted by men in the year of our Lord 
 God one thousand seven hundred and thir- 
 teen then facing about, he march 'd up 
 abreast with her to the sopha, and in three 
 plain words -though not before he was 
 sat down- -nor after he was sat down 
 -but as he was sitting down, told 
 her, "he was in love" so that my uncle 
 Toby strained himself more in the declara- 
 tion than he needed. 
 
 Mrs Wadman naturally looked down, 
 
 281
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 upon a slit she had been darning up in 
 her apron, in expectation every moment, 
 that my uncle Toby would go on; but 
 having no talents for amplification, and 
 Love moreover of all others being a sub- 
 ject of which he was the least a master 
 
 When he had told Mrs Wadman once that 
 he loved her, he let it alone, and left the 
 matter to work after its own way. 
 
 My father was always in raptures with 
 this system of my uncle Toby's, as he 
 falsely called it, and would often say, that 
 could his brother Toby to his process have 
 added but a pipe of tobacco -he had 
 wherewithal to have found his way, if there 
 was faith in a Spanish proverb, towards the 
 hearts of half the women upon the globe. 
 
 My uncle Toby never understood what 
 my father meant; nor will I presume to 
 extract more from it, than a condemnation 
 of an error which the bulk of the world 
 
 lie under but the French, every one of 
 
 'em to a man, who believe in it, almost as 
 much as the REAL PRESENCE, ' ' That talking 
 of love, is making it. 9 ' 
 
 I would as soon set about making 
 a black-pudding by the same receipt. 
 
 288
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Let us go on: Mrs Wadman sat in ex- 
 pectation my uncle Toby would do so, to 
 almost the first pulsation of that minute, 
 wherein silence on one side or the other, 
 generally becomes indecent: so edging her- 
 self a little more towards him, and raising 
 
 up her eyes, sub-blushing, as she did it 
 
 she took up the gauntlet or the discourse 
 
 (if you like it better) and communed with 
 my uncle Toby, thus. 
 
 The cares and disquietudes of the mar- 
 riage state, quoth Mrs Wadman, are very 
 great. I suppose so said my uncle Toby: 
 and therefore when a person, continued Mrs 
 Wadman, is so much at his ease as you 
 are so happy, captain Shandy, in yourself, 
 your friends and your amusements I won- 
 der, what reasons can incline you to the 
 state 
 
 -They are written, quoth my uncle 
 Toby, in the Common- Prayer Book. 
 
 Thus far my uncle Toby went on warily, 
 and kept within his depth, leaving Mrs 
 Wadman to sail upon the gulph as she 
 pleased. 
 
 As for children said Mrs Wadman 
 though a principal end perhaps of the insti- 
 
 283
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 tution, and the natural wish, I suppose, of 
 every parent yet do not we all find, they 
 are certain sorrows, and very uncertain com- 
 forts? and what is there, dear sir, to pay 
 one for the heart-achs what compensation 
 for the many tender and disquieting appre- 
 hensions of a suffering and defenceless mother 
 who brings them into life? I declare, said 
 my uncle Toby, smit with pity, I know of 
 none; unless it be the pleasure which it has 
 
 pleased God 
 
 A fiddlestick! quoth she. 
 
 CHAPTER THE NINETEENTH. 
 
 NOW there are such an infinitude of 
 notes, tunes, cants, chants, airs, looks, 
 and accents with which the word fid- 
 dlestick may be pronounced in all such causes 
 as this, every one of 'em impressing a sense 
 and meaning as different from the other, as 
 dirt from cleanliness That Casuists (for it is 
 an affair of conscience on tha,t score) reckon 
 
 284
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 up no less than fourteen thousand in which 
 you may do either right or wrong. 
 
 Mrs Wadman hit upon the fiddlestick, 
 which summoned up all my uncle Toby's 
 modest blood into his cheeks so feeling 
 within himself that he had somehow or 
 other got beyond his depth, he stopt short; 
 and without entering further either into the 
 pains or pleasures of matrimony, he laid his 
 hand upon his heart, and made an offer to 
 take them as they were, and share them 
 along with her. 
 
 When my uncle Toby had said this, he 
 did not care to say it again; so casting his 
 eye upon the Bible which Mrs Wadman 
 had laid upon the table, he took it up; 
 and popping, dear soul ! upon a passage in 
 it, of all others the most interesting to 
 him which was the siege of Jericho he 
 set himself to read it over leaving his 
 proposal of marriage, as he had done his 
 declaration of love, to work with her after 
 its own way. Now it wrought neither as 
 an astringent or a loosener; nor like opium, 
 or bark, or mercury, or buckthorn, or any 
 one drug which nature had bestowed upon 
 the world in short, it work'd not at all in 
 
 285
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 her; and the cause of that was, that there 
 
 was something working there before 
 
 Babbler that I am ! I have anticipated 
 what it was a dozen times; but there is 
 fire still in the subject allons. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 IT is natural for a perfect stranger who 
 is going from London to Edinburgh, to 
 enquire before he sets out, how many 
 miles to York; which is about the half way 
 
 nor does any body wonder, if he goes 
 
 on and asks about the corporation, &c. - - 
 
 It was just as natural for Mrs Wadman, 
 whose first husband was all his time afflicted 
 with a Sciatica, to wish to know how far 
 from the hip to the groin; and how far she 
 was likely to suffer more or less in her feel- 
 ings, in the one case than in the other. 
 
 She had accordingly read Drake's anato- 
 my from one end to the other. She had 
 peeped into Wharton upon the brain, and 
 
 866
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 borrowed * Graaf upon the bones and 
 muscles; but could make nothing of it. 
 
 She had reason 'd likewise from her own 
 
 powers- -laid down theorems drawn 
 
 consequences, and come to no conclusion. 
 
 To clear up all, she had twice asked 
 Doctor Slop, ' ' if poor captain Shandy was 
 ever likely to recover of his wound ?" 
 
 He is recovered, Doctor Slop would 
 
 say 
 
 What! quite? 
 Quite : madam- 
 
 But what do you mean by a recovery? 
 Mrs Wadman would say. 
 
 Doctor Slop was the worst man alive at 
 definitions; and so Mrs Wadman could get 
 no knowledge: in short, there was no way 
 to extract it, but from my uncle Toby 
 himself. 
 
 There is an accent of humanity in an en- 
 quiry of this kind which lulls SUSPICION to 
 rest- -and I am half persuaded the ser- 
 pent got pretty near it, in his discourse 
 with Eve; for the propensity in the sex to 
 be deceived could not be so great, that she 
 
 *This must be a mistake in Mr Shandy; for Graaf wrote 
 upon the pancreatick juice, and the parts of generation. 
 
 287
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 should have boldness to hold chat with the 
 
 devil, without it But there is an accent 
 
 of humanity how shall I describe it? 
 
 'tis an accent which covers the part with 
 a garment, and gives the enquirer a right 
 to be as particular with it, as your body- 
 surgeon. 
 
 " Was it without remission? 
 
 * * Was it more tolerable in bed ? 
 
 " Could he lie on both sides alike 
 
 with it? 
 
 " Was he able to mount a horse? 
 
 " Was motion bad for it?" et ccetera, 
 were so tenderly spoke to, and so directed 
 towards my uncle Toby's heart, that every 
 item of them sunk ten times deeper into it 
 
 than the evils themselves but when Mrs 
 
 Wadman went round about by Namur to 
 get at my uncle Toby's groin; and engaged 
 him to attack the point of the advanced 
 counterscarp, and pele mele with the Dutch 
 to take the counterguard of St Roch sword 
 in hand and then with tender notes play- 
 ing upon his ear, led him all bleeding by 
 the hand out of the trench, wiping her eye, 
 
 as he was carried to his tent Heaven ! 
 
 Earth! Sea! all was lifted up the springs 
 
 288
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 of nature rose above their levels an angel 
 of mercy sat besides him on the sopha his 
 heart glow'd with fire and had he been 
 worth a thousand, he had lost every heart 
 of them to Mrs Wadman. 
 
 And whereabouts, dear Sir, quoth Mrs 
 Wadman, a little categorically, did you re- 
 ceive this sad blow? In asking this ques- 
 tion, Mrs Wadman gave a slight glance to- 
 wards the waistband of my uncle Toby's red 
 plush breeches, expecting naturally, as the 
 shortest reply to it, that my uncle Toby 
 
 would lay his forefinger upon the place 
 
 It fell out otherwise for my uncle Toby 
 
 having got his wound before the gate of 
 St Nicolas, in one of the traverses of the 
 trench, opposite to the salient angle of the 
 demibastion of St Rock; he could at any 
 time stick a pin upon the identical spot of 
 ground where he was standing when the 
 stone struck him: this struck instantly upon 
 
 my uncle Toby's sensorium and with it, 
 
 struck his large map of the town and cita- 
 del of Namur and its environs, which he 
 had purchased and pasted down upon a 
 board, by the corporal's aid, during his long 
 illness- -it had lain with other military
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 lumber in the garret ever since, and accord- 
 ingly the corporal was detached into the 
 garret to fetch it. 
 
 My uncle Toby measured off thirty toises, 
 with Mrs Wadmari's scissars, from the re- 
 turning angle before the gate of St Nicolas; 
 and with such a virgin modesty laid her 
 finger upon the place, that the goddess of 
 Decency, if then in being if not, 'twas her 
 shade, shook her head, and with a finger 
 wavering across her eyes forbid her to 
 explain the mistake. 
 
 Unhappy Mrs W^adman! 
 
 For nothing can make this chapter 
 
 go off with spirit but an apostrophe to 
 
 thee but my heart tells me, that in 
 
 such a crisis an apostrophe is but an insult 
 in disguise, and ere I would offer one to a 
 woman in distress let the chapter go to 
 the devil; provided any damn'd critic in 
 keeping will be but at the trouble to take 
 it with him. 
 
 290
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 M 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 Y uncle Toby's Map is carried down 
 into the kitchen. 
 
 A 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 ND here is the Maes and this 
 is the Sambre; said the corporal, 
 pointing with his right hand ex- 
 tended a little towards the map and his 
 
 left upon Mrs Bridget's shoulder but 
 
 not the shoulder next him and this, said 
 he, is the town of Namur and this the 
 citadel and there lay the French and here 
 lay his honour and myself and in this 
 cursed trench, Mrs Bridget, quoth the cor- 
 poral, taking her by the hand, did he re- 
 ceive the wound which crush 'd him so 
 miserably here - In pronouncing which, 
 he slightly press 'd the back of her hand 
 
 291
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 towards the part he felt for and let it 
 fall. 
 
 We thought, Mr Trim, it had been more 
 in the middle said Mrs Bridget 
 
 That would have undone us for ever 
 said the corporal. 
 
 And left my poor mistress undone 
 too, said Bridget. 
 
 The corporal made no reply to the re- 
 partee, but by giving Mrs Bridget a kiss. 
 
 Come come said Bridget holding the 
 palm of her left hand parallel to the plane 
 of the horizon, and sliding the fingers of 
 the other over it, in a way which could 
 not have been done, had there been the 
 
 least wart or protuberance 'Tis every 
 
 syllable of it false, cried the corporal, be- 
 fore she had half finished the sentence 
 
 I know it to be fact, said Bridget, 
 from credible witnesses. 
 
 Upon my honour, said the corporal, 
 
 laying his hand upon his heart, and blush- 
 ing, as he spoke, with honest resentment 
 'tis a story, Mrs Bridget, as false as hell 
 - Not, said Bridget, interrupting him, 
 that either I or my mistress care a half- 
 penny about it, whether 'tis so or no 
 
 292
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 only that when one is married, one would 
 chuse to have such a thing by one at 
 
 least 
 
 It was somewhat unfortunate for Mrs 
 Bridget, that she had begun the attack 
 with her manual exercise; for the corpo- 
 ral instantly * 
 
 W * T? *A* TS* TT W T? TV 
 
 * * 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 IT was like the momentary contest in the 
 moist eye -lids of an April morning, 
 " Whether Bridget should laugh or 
 cry. 
 
 She snatched up a rolling-pin -'twas 
 ten to one, she had laugh 'd 
 
 She laid it down she cried ; and had 
 one single tear of 'em but tasted of bit- 
 terness, full sorrowful would the corporal's 
 heart have been that he had used the argu- 
 ment; but the corporal understood the sex, 
 a quart major to a tcrce at least, better than 
 
 293
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 my uncle Toby, and accordingly he assailed 
 Mrs Bridget after this manner. 
 
 I know, Mrs Bridget, said the corporal, 
 giving her a most respectful kiss, that thou 
 art good and modest by nature, and art 
 withal so generous a girl in thyself, that, 
 if I know thee rightly, thou would 'st not 
 wound an insect, much less the honour of 
 so gallant and worthy a soul as my mas- 
 ter, wast thou sure to be made a countess 
 of but thou hast been set on, and de- 
 luded, dear Bridget, as is often a woman's 
 case, "to please others more than them- 
 selves " 
 
 Bridget's eyes poured down at the sensa- 
 tions the corporal excited. 
 
 Tell me tell me then, my dear 
 
 Bridget, continued the corporal, taking hold 
 of her hand, which hung down dead by her 
 
 side, and giving a second kiss whose 
 
 suspicion has misled thee? 
 
 Bridget sobb'd a sob or two then 
 
 open'd her eyes the corporal wiped 'em 
 
 with the bottom of her apron she then 
 
 open'd her heart and told him all.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 MY uncle Toby and the corporal had 
 gone on separately with their opera- 
 tions the greatest part of the cam- 
 paign, and as effectually cut off from all 
 communication of what either the one or 
 the other had been doing, as if they had 
 been separated from each other by the 
 Maes or the Sambre. 
 
 My uncle Toby, on his side, had pre- 
 sented himself every afternoon in his red 
 and silver, and blue and gold alternately, 
 and sustained an infinity of attacks in them, 
 without knowing them to be attacks and 
 so had nothing to communicate 
 
 The corporal, on his side, in taking 
 Bridget, by it had gain'd considerable ad- 
 vantages and consequently had much to 
 
 communicate but what were the advan- 
 tages as well as what was the manner 
 
 by which he had seiz'd them, required so 
 nice an historian, that the corporal durst 
 not venture upon it; and as sensible as he 
 
 996
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 was of glory, would rather have been con- 
 tented to have gone bareheaded and with- 
 out laurels for ever, than torture his mas- 
 ter's modesty for a single moment 
 
 -Best of honest and gallant servants! 
 But I have apostrophiz'd thee, Trim! 
 
 once before and could I apotheosize thee 
 
 also (that is to say) with good company 
 
 I would do it without ceremony in the very 
 next page. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 NOW my uncle Toby had one evening 
 laid down his pipe upon the table, 
 and was counting over to himself 
 upon his finger ends (beginning at his 
 thumb) all Mrs Wadman's perfections one 
 by one; and happening two or three times 
 together, either by omitting some, or count- 
 ing others twice over, to puzzle himself 
 sadly before he could get beyond his mid- 
 dle finger Prithee, Trim! said he, taking 
 
 up his pipe again, bring me a pen and 
 
 ink: Trim brought paper also.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Take a full sheet -Trim! said my uncle 
 Toby, making a sign with his pipe at the 
 same time to take a chair and sit down 
 close by him at the table. The corporal 
 obeyed placed the paper directly before 
 
 him took a pen, and dipp'd it in the 
 
 ink. 
 
 She has a thousand virtues, Trim! said 
 my uncle Toby 
 
 Am I to set them down, an' please your 
 honour? quoth the corporal. 
 
 But they must be taken in their 
 
 ranks, replied my uncle Toby; for of them 
 all, Trim, that which wins me most, and 
 which is a security for all the rest, is the 
 compassionate turn and singular humanity 
 of her character I protest, added my uncle 
 Toby, looking up, as he protested it, towards 
 the top of the ceiling -That was I her 
 brother, Trim, a thousand fold, she could 
 not make more constant or more tender 
 
 enquiries after my sufferings though now 
 
 no more. 
 
 The corporal made no reply to my uncle 
 Toby's protestation, but by a short cough 
 he dipp'd the pen a second time into the 
 inkhorn; and my uncle Toby, pointing with 
 
 2<>7
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 the end of his pipe as close to the top of 
 the sheet at the left hand corner of it, as 
 
 he could get it the corporal wrote down 
 
 the word 
 HUMANITY thus. 
 
 Prithee, corporal, said my uncle Toby* us 
 
 soon as Trim had done it how often 
 
 does Mrs Bridget enquire after the wound 
 on the cap of thy knee, which thou re- 
 ceived'st at the battle of Landen ? 
 
 She never, an' please your honour, en 
 quires after it at all. 
 
 That, corporal, said my uncle Toby, with 
 all the triumph the goodness of his nature 
 would permit -That shews the difference 
 in the character of the mistress and maid 
 
 had the fortune of war allotted the 
 
 same mischance to me, Mrs Wadman would 
 have enquired into every circumstance re- 
 lating to it a hundred times She would 
 
 have enquired, an' please your honour, ten 
 times as often about your honour's groin 
 The pain, Trim, is equally excruciat- 
 ing, and Compassion has as much to do 
 
 with the one as the other 
 
 God bless your honour ! cried the 
 corporal what has a woman's compassion 
 
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 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 to do with a wound upon the cap of a 
 man's knee? had your honour's been shot 
 into ten thousand splinters at the affair of 
 Landen, Mrs Wadman would have troubled 
 her head as little about it as Bridget; be- 
 cause, added the corporal, lowering his voice, 
 and speaking very distinctly, as he assigned 
 his reason 
 
 ' The knee is such a distance from the 
 main body whereas the groin, your hon- 
 our knows, is upon the very curtain of the 
 place. " 
 
 My uncle Toby gave a long whistle- 
 but in a note which could scarce be heard 
 across the table. 
 
 The corporal had advanced too far to re- 
 tire in three words he told the rest 
 
 My uncle Toby laid down his pipe as 
 gently upon the fender, as if it had been 
 spun from the unravellings of a spider's 
 
 web 
 
 Let us go to my brother Shandy's, 
 said he.
 
 CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 will be just time, whilst my 
 A uncle Toby and Trim are walking to 
 my father's, to inform you that Mrs 
 Wadman had, some moons before this,, made 
 a confident of my mother; and that Mrs 
 Bridget, who had the burden of her own, 
 as well as her mistress's secret to carry, 
 had got happily delivered of both to Susan- 
 nah behind the garden- wall. 
 
 As for my mother, she saw nothing at 
 all in it, to make the least bustle about 
 but Susannah was sufficient by herself for all 
 the ends and purposes you could possibly 
 have, in exporting a family secret; for she 
 instantly imparted it by signs to Jonathan 
 - and Jonathan by tokens to the cook as 
 she was basting a loin of mutton; the cook 
 sold it with some kitchen-fat to the postil- 
 lion for a groat, who truck 'd it with the 
 dairy maid for something of about the same 
 value - and though whisper 'd in the hay- 
 loft, FAME caught the notes with her brazen 
 
 300
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 trumpet, and sounded them upon the house- 
 top In a word, not an old woman in the 
 village or five miles round, who did not un- 
 derstand the difficulties of my uncle Toby's 
 siege, and what were the secret articles which 
 had delayed the surrender. 
 
 My father, whose way was to force every 
 event in nature into an hypothesis, by 
 which means never man crucified TRUTH at 
 
 the rate he did had but just heard of 
 
 the report as my uncle Toby set out; and 
 catching fire suddenly at the trespass done 
 his brother by it, was demonstrating to 
 Yorick, notwithstanding my mother was 
 sitting by- -not only, "That the devil 
 was in women, and that the whole of the 
 affair was lust ; ' ' but that every evil and 
 disorder in the world of what kind or na- 
 ture soever, from the first fall of Adam, 
 down to my uncle Toby's (inclusive), was 
 owing one way or other to the same un- 
 ruly appetite. 
 
 Yorick was just bringing my father's 
 hypothesis to some temper, when my uncle 
 Toby entering the room with marks of infi- 
 nite benevolence and forgiveness in his looks, 
 my father's eloquence rekindled against the 
 
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 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 passion and as he was not very nice in 
 
 the choice of his words when he was wroth 
 
 as soon as my uncle Toby was seated 
 
 by the fire, and had filled his pipe, my 
 father broke out in this manner. 
 
 T 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 HAT provision should be made 
 for continuing the race of so 
 great, so exalted and godlike a 
 Being as man I am far from denying 
 but philosophy speaks freely of every thing; 
 and therefore I still think and do maintain 
 it to be a pity, that it should be done by 
 means of a passion which bends down the 
 faculties, and turns all the wisdom, con- 
 templations, and operations of the soul 
 
 backwards a passion, my dear, continued 
 
 my father, addressing himself to my mother, 
 which couples and equals wise men with 
 fools, and makes us come out of our cav- 
 erns and hiding-places more like satyrs and 
 four-footed beasts than men. 
 
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 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 I know it will be said, continued my 
 father (availing himself of the Prolepsis) 
 that in itself, and simply taken- -like 
 
 hunger, or thirst, or sleep 'tis an affair 
 
 neither good or bad or shameful or other- 
 wise. - - Why then did the delicacy of 
 Diogenes and Plato so recalcitrate against 
 it? and wherefore, when we go about to 
 make and plant a man, do we put out the 
 candle? and for what reason is it, that all 
 the parts thereof the congredients the 
 preparations the instruments, and whatever 
 serves thereto, are so held as to be con- 
 veyed to a cleanly mind by no language, 
 translation, or periphrasis whatever? 
 
 The act of killing and destroying a 
 
 man, continued my father, raising his voice 
 and turning to my uncle Toby you see, 
 is glorious and the weapons by which we 
 do it are honourable -We march with 
 them upon our shoulders We strut with 
 them by our sides- -We gild them 
 
 We carve them We in-lay them We 
 
 enrich them Nay, if it be but a scoun- 
 drel cannon, we cast an ornament upon the 
 breach of it. 
 
 My uncle Toby laid down his pipe to 
 
 303
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 intercede for a better epithet and Yorick 
 
 was rising up to batter the whole hypothe- 
 sis to pieces 
 
 When Obadiah broke into the middle 
 of the room with a complaint, which cried 
 out for an immediate hearing. 
 
 The case was this: 
 
 My father, whether by ancient custom of 
 the manor, or as impropriator of the great 
 tythes, was obliged to keep a Bull for the 
 service of the Parish, and Obadiah had led 
 his cow upon a pop-visit to him one day or 
 other the preceding summer -I say, one 
 day or other because as chance would have 
 it, it was the day on which he was married 
 to my father's house-maid- -so one was 
 a reckoning to the other. Therefore, when 
 Obadiah' 's wife was brought to bed Oba- 
 diah thanked God 
 
 Now, said Obadiah, I shall have a 
 calf: so Obadiah went daily to visit his 
 cow. 
 
 She'll calve on Monday on Tuesday on 
 Wednesday at the farthest 
 
 The cow did not calve no she'll not 
 
 calve till next week the cow put it off 
 terribly till at the end of the sixth week 
 
 304
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Obadiah's suspicions (like a good man's) fell 
 upon the Bull. 
 
 Now the parish being very large, my 
 father's Bull, to speak the truth of him, 
 was no way equal to the department; he 
 had, however, got himself, somehow or 
 other, thrust into employment and as he 
 went through the business with a grave 
 face, my father had a high opinion of him. 
 
 Most of the townsmen, an' please 
 your worship, quoth Obadiah, believe that 
 'tis all the Bull's fault 
 
 But may not a cow be barren? re- 
 plied my father, turning to Doctor Slop. 
 
 It never happens: said Dr Slop, but the 
 man's wife may have come before her time 
 naturally enough - - Prithee has the child 
 hair upon his head ? added Dr Slop 
 
 It is as hairy as I am; said Obadiah. 
 Obadiah had not been shaved for three 
 
 weeks - Wheu --u u cried 
 
 my father; beginning the sentence with an 
 exclamatory whistle - - and so, brother 
 Toby, this poor Bull of mine, who is as 
 good a Bull as ever p ss'd, and might 
 have done for Europa herself in purer 
 times had he but two legs less, might 
 
 305
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 have been driven into Doctors Commons 
 
 and lost his character which to a Town 
 
 Bull, brother Toby, is the very same thing 
 as his life 
 
 L d ! said my mother, what is all this 
 story about? 
 
 A COCK and a BULL, said Yorick And 
 one of the best of its kind, I ever heard. 
 
 THE END. 
 
 306