1 
 
 ^ 
 
 
THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 0¥ CALIFORNIA 
 
PREXTICEANA 
 
 OR. 
 
 WIT A^'D HllIOR IN PARAGEAPHS 
 
 BY 
 
 GEORGE D. PRENTICE. 
 
 WITH A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF THE AUTHOR, 
 
 BY 
 
 Q. W. G R I F F I N, 
 
 AUTHOR OF "STUDIES IN LITERATURE." 
 
 J^ 
 
 #1 
 
 ^-Ivrf^ 
 
 P-M i L A-D-E L P H I A": ' ' ' 
 CLAXTON, REMSEN & HAFFELFINGER, 
 
 Nos. 819 AND 821 Market Street. 
 1871. 
 
Entered, according to Act of Congi-ess, in the j'ear 1870, by 
 
 CLAXTON, RExMSEN & HAFFELFINGER, 
 
 In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States in and for 
 
 the Eastern District of Pennsylvania. 
 
 • «,«,*•• •• »•• • 
 ■ ' ^ .' . '.* • . *.• 
 
 Add to Lib* 
 GIFT 
 
r 
 
 GEORGE D. PRENTICE.* 
 
 THE life of this distinguished poet and journalist has 
 been a crown of glory to the world ; but only those 
 who have been brought within the charmed circle of his 
 i.cquaintance, and enjoyed his confidence and friendship, 
 can form the least idea of the peerless grace and lofty 
 beauty of his soul. He seemed to belong to a higher order 
 of beings than those of this earth ] and I can but feel, in 
 approaching the subject of his memory, that I am treading 
 upon sacred ground. He was my best and truest friend. 
 I consulted him upon nearly every duty and obligation that 
 I owed to society and to the world, and I always found 
 him the wisest and gentlest teacher and the safest and surest 
 guide. His heart was so eloquent in the depth, pathos, and 
 purity of its affections that I was never in his presence with- 
 out feeling wiser and better. I had known him so long 
 and so well, and had been the recipient of so many acts of 
 love and kindness at his hands, that I began to look upon 
 his existence as necessary for my happiness upon earth. 
 There was nothing that he could do for me that he did not 
 do cheerfully. In no instance did he endeavor to make 
 me sensible of the obligation I owed him, but he ever 
 appeared more like the receiver than the giver. There 
 
 *This biographical memoir is taken from a new book, " Studies in 
 Literature," pubKshed by H. C. Tumbull, Jr., Bakimore. The author 
 of the sketch was a most intimate friend and companion of the subject 
 of the memoir. 
 
 !• ■__ : 5 
 
 787 
 
6 GEORGE D. PRENTICE. 
 
 was scarcely a day during the last five years of his life that 
 I did not see him, or receive some message from him. It 
 was his custom to spend at least two evenings in every 
 week at my house. A chair was placed for him regularly 
 at -©ur table, and no one was allowed to occupy it during 
 his absence. This little mark of respect seemed always to 
 please him exceedingly, for even trivial kindnesses were 
 never passed unnoticed by him, and those who conferred 
 them were always well paid by some pleasant word or 
 acknowledgment. There was a mildness, a dignity, a love, 
 and a patience about him peculiarly his own ; and now that 
 he is dead, I feel half ashamed of the little that I can add 
 to his memory. 
 
 George Dennison Prentice was born at Griswold, 
 Connecticut, on the i8th of December, 1802. He dis- 
 played very early in life talents of no common order. He 
 excited the admiration of every one who knew him by the 
 marvellous facility with which he acquired the most diffi- 
 cult and complicated branches of knowledge. He was able 
 to read fluently when only four years of age. He was a 
 fine Greek and Latin scholar, and at the age of fifteen 
 could translate and parse any sentence in Homer or Virgil. 
 At this time he was prepared to enter the Sophomore class 
 at college, but was compelled to teach a district school in 
 order to defray the expense of a collegiate education. In 
 1820 he entered Brown University, at Providence, Rhode 
 Island, and here he graduated in 1823. A few years later 
 he studied law, and was soon admitted to the Bar. He did 
 not find the practice of law congenial to his tastes, and he 
 devoted himself to literature. In 1828 he started the JVew 
 England Review. This paper was successful from the 
 beginning. The editor at once distinguished himself by his 
 bold and incisive style of 'ivriting. In 1830 he left the New 
 Efigland Review in charge of the poet Whittier, and ac- 
 
GEORGE D. PRENTICE. m 
 
 cepted an invitation to go to Kentucky for the purpose of 
 writing the biography of Henry Clay. As soon as he 
 reached Lexington, the home of Mr. Clay, he went to 
 work at once upon the biography. It was completed in a 
 very short time. It met with a most enthusiastic reception, 
 not only from the people of Kentucky, but from the entiie 
 Whig party of the nation. It contains by far the most cor- 
 rect account ever given to the public of the life of that 
 distinguished statesman, as well as the most animated and 
 eloquent exposition of the political principles of his party. 
 Mr. Clay cherished for his biographer the warmest feelings 
 of affection, and often said that he owed the greater part 
 of his fame to him. It is almost useless to speak of the ser- 
 vices Mr. Prentice rendered Mr. Clay, for they are so 
 manifold and varied that the names of the great statesman 
 and the great journalist are inseparably associated. 
 
 Mr. Prentice removed to Louisville in the month of 
 September, 1030, and on the 24th day of the following 
 November he published the first number of the Louisville 
 Journal. The politics of the country were at that time 
 exciting in the extreme. The Democratic party deter- 
 mined, if possible, to defeat Mr. Clay in his own State. 
 The leading Democratic organ in Kentucky was a paper 
 called the Louisville Advertiser. It was under the editorial 
 management of Shadrack Penn, one of the most eloquent 
 and effective writers in the State. Mr. Penn's friends had 
 the most unbounded confidence in him. They predicted 
 that he would demolish Mr. Prentice at a single blow. 
 
 Those who remember the warfare waged between these 
 two knights of the quill, have no difficulty in realizing that 
 there were giants in those days. Each of the editors was 
 recognized as a champion with whom ordinary mortals 
 must not interfere. In their respective fields they possessed 
 powers rarely rivalled, Mr. Penn had a great advantage 
 
3 GEORGE D. PREXTICS. 
 
 in a well and widely established reputation in the venue 
 where the case was to be tried, while Mr. Prentice was 
 comparatively a stranger, and apparently weak. Mr. Penn 
 had rarely met an editor able to cope with him. After he 
 had vanquished the redoutable Amos Kendall, on the Old 
 and New Court issues which convulsed the State, Mr. Penn 
 was the recognized champion of the party that had tri- 
 umphed in the great contest in which those issues were 
 tried. In this condition of things, it is not likely that Mr. 
 Penn dreaded any contemporary writer on politics. , The 
 comparatively young Connecticut writer had fully surveyed 
 the ground before consenting to link himself with the enter- 
 prise of a new daily paper in Louisville. He had measured 
 the powers of the veteran Penn, but he had unbounded con- 
 fidence in his own powers. 
 
 When the emcute began to brew in the Advertiser ^ Mr. 
 Prentice gave an admonitory warning, announcing that 
 without desiring strife he was ready for it. He stated that 
 his editorial quiver was armed with quills of all sizes, from 
 those of the humming-bird to those of the eagle. The war 
 began, and was waged with activity and vigor for the space 
 of eleven years. Each of the combatants possessed great 
 powers, and up to the end of the war each had hosts of 
 friends. Mr. Prentice became famous throughout the 
 Union. The remarkable purity of his diction — a purity 
 in which he had few equals and no superior ; his wonderful 
 versatility of expression, by which he was able to use the 
 same idea many times, and never twice alike ; the Attic 
 salt of his wit, the torturing power of his irony, his satire 
 and sarcasm, the terse epigrammatic force which enabled 
 him often to overwhelm an antagonist in a single sentence, 
 made him the most popular and renowned journalist in the 
 country. These qualities made Mr. Prentice a power in 
 the land ; a power which he never abused. He was at all 
 
GEORGE D. PRENTICE. g 
 
 times placable, even with those who had most abused him. 
 This is beautifully portrayed in his reconciliation with Mr. 
 Penn. I am indebted to Dr. T. S. Bell, of Louisville, for 
 an account of this noble feature in the lives of the two 
 renowned journalists. Dr. Bell was the intimate friend of 
 each of the editors ; and on the eve of the departure of ]Mr. 
 Penn for St. Louis, Dr. Bell proposed to both gentlemen 
 the project of an interview. Each assented to the proposal, 
 and each of them gave Dr. Bell full power to act for him. 
 The interview took place at Dr. Bell's office, and com- 
 menced and ended most happily. Mr. Prentice began 
 by expressing the hope that the necessity of Mr. Penn's 
 departure was not absolute, and begged to know of Mr. 
 Penn whether he, Mr. Prentice, could be of any service 
 in aiding him to remain. He eloquently alluded to the 
 long series of Kentucky enterprises, and the numerous 
 recognized schemes for the prosperity of Louisville, that 
 endeared Mr. Penn to the principles of Kentucky, and Mr. 
 Prentice deplored the departure of Mr. Penn from the 
 State as a public calamity. Toward the close of the inter- 
 view, Mr. Prentice assured Mr. Penn of his earnest pur- 
 pose to give him all the aid in his power toward making 
 Mr. Penn's career in Missouri successful. This pledge he 
 fulfilled. It is difficult to conceive of anything more beau- 
 tiful of its kind than Mr. Prentice's tribute to Mr. Penn 
 upon the departure of the latter for St. Louis. Mr. Pren- 
 tice read the article, before publishing it, to Dr. Bell, as 
 the common friend of Mr. Penn and of himself, and asked 
 for any suggestions for elaborating this magnanimous edi- 
 torial. I need not add that Mr. Penn was much gratified 
 with it. 
 
 Mr. Prentice was one of the most industrious men that 
 ever edited a daily paper. He wrote with great facility, 
 but kept himself well posted in all political matters, not 
 
lo GEORGE D. PRENTICE. 
 
 only those that were contemporary with him, but with 
 those of the past. Until within a few years he never left 
 the office until the editorial page was imposed as he de- 
 sired it to be, and locked up in the chase. 
 
 In 1840 he was attacked with a disease called Chorea 
 ScriptorujHy caused by excessive writing. This disease 
 shows itself only when the hand attempts to write. Mr. 
 Prentice could handle other things than a writing instru- 
 ment without any trouble. Indeed, for a long time after 
 the appearance of the disease, he was able to write many 
 words until the thumb was pressed toward the index finger, 
 when the pen would fly from him as though some one had 
 struck it. One morning, while suffering in this way, he 
 composed a beautiful song for his friend. Dr. T. S. Bell. 
 Mr. Prentice's amanuensis was not in, and he stepped 
 over to the Doctor's office, and asked him to write some- 
 thing for him, saying, ''It is for you and your wife." 
 Mr. Prentice then dictated the following beautiful lines, 
 which were afterward set to music by a distinguished artist 
 of Poland ; 
 
 " We 've shared each other's smiles and tears 
 Through years of wedded life ; 
 And love has bless'd those fleering years. 
 My own, my cherished wile. 
 
 " And if, at times, the storm's dark shroud 
 Has rested in the air, 
 Love's beaming sun has kissed the cloud. 
 And left the rainbow there. 
 
 " In all our hopes, in all our dreams, 
 Love is forever nigh, 
 A blossom in our path it seems, 
 A sunbeam in our sky. 
 
GEORGE D. PRENTICE. H 
 
 ** For all our joys of brightest hue 
 Grow brighter in love's smile, 
 And there 's no grief our hearts e'er knew 
 That love could not beguile." 
 
 Those who were not acquainted with Mr. Prentice's 
 forgiving nature, have been surprised that his enemies 
 should so often display a readiness to forget and forgive 
 the many severe things he said about them. 
 
 At one time, Mike Walsh, a prominent Democratic poli- 
 tician of New York, provoked a quarrel with him, and 
 was severely punished for his temerity. Mr. Prentice 
 handled him without gloves, and let fall a perfect torrent 
 of wit and sarcasm and satire against him. At the time of 
 the controversy Mr. Prentice and Vix. Walsh were per- 
 sonally strangers to each other, and as may naturally be 
 supposed, the latter did not care to alter the relation. 
 They met, however, some time afterward, at a dinner-party 
 in Washington city. As Mr. Prentice advanced, Walsh 
 fixed his piercing eyes upon him without offering his hand, 
 and exclaimed: "You are George D. Prentice, are 
 you ? ' ' Mr. Prentice bowed an assent, and Walsh said : 
 *' You must know, sir, that I like you ; although you have 
 skinned me from the croAvn of my head to the soles of my 
 feet, your instrument was so sharp and so skilfully used 
 that the operation was rather pleasant than otherwise." 
 
 During Mr. Prentice's long and eventful life he was 
 engaged in many controversies, and, strange to say, he 
 invariably came out triumphant. Some of his controversies 
 led to violent personal encounters; but I have his own tes- 
 timony, and that of many of the oldest and best citizens of 
 I/Ouisville, that he was not the aggressor in a single instance. 
 
 Some years ago, George James Trotter, editor of the 
 Kentucky Gazette, fired at him on Market street, in Louis- 
 ville, without the slightest warning, and wounded him near 
 
12 GEORGE D. PREXTICE. 
 
 the heart. Mr. Prentice, with knife in hand, instantly 
 threw him to the ground, and held him irresistibly in his 
 grasp. A large crowd gathered around the scene, and 
 nearly every one present cried out, '' Kill him ! kill him ! " 
 Mr. Prentice instantly let go his hold, and exclaimed: 
 '' I cannot kill a disarmed and helpless man ! " 
 
 Mr. Prentice's forgiving nature was so widely known 
 that those who had wronged him most did not hesitate to 
 accost him in terms of apparent friendship. 
 
 On one occasion, Thomas Jefferson Pew, without the 
 slightest provocation, said some very scandalous things 
 about him. Pew was so unworthy of Prentice's notice 
 that I do not believe he ever replied to him ; but one 
 morning, several years afterward, he had the audacity to 
 enter Prentice's office. Pew was in a wretched and filthy 
 condition ; his clothes were worn and seedy, and with un- 
 combed hair and unshaved face, he presented a most dis- 
 gusting and loathsome appearance. He called Prentice 
 aside, and after some conversation left the office. For- 
 tunatus Cosby, the distinguished poet, was in the room at 
 the time, and asked Mr. Prentice the name of his un- 
 sightly visitor. Mr. Prentice replied: ''He is Thomas 
 Jefferson Pew. He told me that he was in distress, and 
 that he wanted two dollars and a half for the purpose of 
 going to see his mother." ''Yes," said Cosby, "and I 
 suppose you were silly enough to give it to him? " " No," 
 replied Prentice, " I recollected that I had a mother, and 
 asked myself the question what she would have thought of 
 me had I appeared before her in so filthy a condition, and 
 I gave him twenty-five dollars, and told him to go to see 
 his mother in the garb of a gentleman." 
 
 In 1835 Mr. Prentice was married to Miss Harriet Ben- 
 ham, the daughter of Col. Joseph Benham, a distinguished 
 lawyer of Kentucky. 
 
GEORGE D. PRENTICE, 
 
 13 
 
 The Louisville Journal, under the guidance of Mr. Pren- 
 tice, for a period of thirty years probably exercised more 
 political power and influence than any other paper in 
 America. It has been said, and said truly, that "among 
 the newspaper-press it was a monocrat." It exercised as 
 much influence in the field of literature as in the field of 
 politics. It made and unmade poets and essayists as well 
 as politicians and statesmen, A writer whose contributions 
 appeared in its columns considered his reputation as an 
 author established. Fortunatus Cosby, John J. Piatt, Ame- 
 lia Welby, Sallie M. Bryan, and many others equally distin- 
 guished, owe their first public introduction to it. 
 
 Its editor became daily more and miore popular. He 
 was known almost as well in Europe as in America. He 
 scorned to be subservient to any clique or party. There 
 was no mortgage on his brain. Everything that was mean, 
 or little, or false, or meretricious, was foreign to him. He 
 never courted popular applause. It seemed that there was 
 nothing outside of the range of his genius. No such word 
 as failure was written in his lexicon. He accomplished 
 everything he undertook. His learning was varied, thorough, 
 and profound. What he did not know he never affected to 
 possess. He imitated no one. He created models rather 
 than followed them. He had no especial fondness for 
 quotations. Whenever he availed himself of the writings 
 of others, they were so refined in the crucible of his genius 
 that they became his own. His memory was not only 
 retentive, but trustworthy in the fullest sense of the word. 
 His command over language was extraordinary. It was 
 tyrannous. He could think of a thousand words at once, 
 and select the one best suited to his purpose. He was a 
 natural grammarian. I have heard him say that he under- 
 stood every principle of English grammar as if by intui- 
 tion, and that when a child he astonished his teacher by 
 2 
 
14 GEORGE D. PRENTICE. 
 
 finishing the study of Lindley Murray in less than a week. 
 His style of writing was quick, subtle, powerful, and massive. 
 There was nothing dull or commonplace about it. He 
 wrote with marvellous facility, and often dashed off from 
 six to ten columns of printed matter a day. His wit was 
 keen, sparkling, and original. His humor was rich and 
 racy, and like that of Lamb and Fielding, at once broad 
 and fine. He was always willing to fight an up-hill battle, 
 for he was as skilful in attack as in defence. His anger 
 was slow to arouse, but when aroused, it was like the 
 lightning's flash, brief and quick, but sure. 
 
 The affluence of Mr. Prentice in genius and in equip- 
 ments of education seemed to be well-nigh endless. He 
 was as generous in the beneficent use of his intellectual 
 wealth as he was great in the magnitude of its possession. 
 Those who knew him" intimately during his editorial career 
 in Louisville, can easily call up from the storehouse of 
 memory hundreds of examples of his judicious, unstinted, 
 and benevolent kindness to young aspirants for fame. The 
 term judicious kindness is illustrated in the case of that 
 lovely song - bird, Amelia, Many persons who saw her 
 charming poems in the columns of the Louisville Journal^ 
 and who knew of her limited education, were unable to 
 conceive that she was capable of writing the beautiful poe- 
 try that appeared in her name. The surmise was quite 
 common among this class of persons that Mr. Prentice 
 either wrote the poems, or corrected and dressed them up 
 for her. A distinguished gentleman of Louisville who was 
 quite intimate with Amelia, and had often seen her write her 
 poems, mentioned the current story on one occasion to Mr. 
 Prentice, who said: ''I recognized the priceless beauty of 
 her genius too well to spoil it in that way. I never cor- 
 rected a word in any of her writings. On the few occa- 
 sions when she had used a word which I would not have 
 
GEORGE D. PRENTICE, 
 
 15 
 
 used J I sent her manuscript back to her with the defective 
 word marked, and she immediately corrected the diction 
 herself. Beyond that I never aided, nor had occasion to 
 aid her." 
 
 Amelia loved music, and played instrumental music beau- 
 tifully without any education in it. She sang as sweetly, 
 and as melodiously, as she wrote. She had an intense love 
 for flowers, and possessed a husband whose gifts as a flori- 
 culturist gave him power to abundantly gratify her floral 
 desires. Some of her beautiful tributes to music, birds, 
 and flowers, adorn the tasteful column erected to her 
 memory in Cavehill cemetery. 
 
 Nothing in the career of iVIr. Prentice was more aston- 
 ishing than the ease and naturalness with which he called 
 his gifts of education into duty, whenever an occasion 
 called for their exercise. He never used Greek or Latin 
 words in his compositions, yet such was his intimacy with 
 those languages that, upon the spur of the moment, he often 
 gave criticisms of as profound a character as though he 
 devoted himself exclusively to the study of the classics. 
 Dr. Bell was his physician for thirty-seven years, and was 
 one of his most intimate friends through that long period, 
 yet he was not even aware that Mr. Prentice was almost 
 a perfect master of mathematics until Dr. S. G. Howe, the 
 renowned philanthropist, visited Kentucky at the invitation 
 of a number of her citizens, to aid in the establishment of 
 a State institution for the education of the blind. Dr. Howe 
 brought with him a pupil of the '' Perkins Institute for the 
 Blind," and a pupil also of Harvard College. The pupil, 
 Mr. Smith, possessed a remarkable education as a musician, 
 classical scholar, linguist, and mathematician. Dr. Howe, 
 who was a student of Brown University with Mr. Pren- 
 tice, requested Mr. Prentice to attend the public meet- 
 ing of the citizens of Louisville, where Mr, Smith was to 
 
1 6 GEORGE D. PR ENTICE. 
 
 show that blindness was not a barrier to the acquisition of 
 a varied and extensive and profound education. Mr. 
 Prentice was called upon at the meeting to make im- 
 portant problems for solution by Mr. Smith. The first 
 problems were not remarkably recondite, but as soon as 
 Mr. Prentice discovered Mr. Smith's proficiency, he rose 
 into the highest departments of mathematics, and made 
 problems that might have found an appropriate place in 
 Hutton's Mathematical Recreations, which could not be 
 called recreations to any one but a profound mathematician. 
 
 In i860 Mr. Prentice published a volume of his witti- 
 cisms, under the title of '' Prenticeana." This book con- 
 sists principally of paragraphs from the Louisville Joiirtial^ 
 and a few written for the Netv York Ledger. Mr. Pren- 
 tice had for years been repeatedly solicited to allow the 
 publication of such a volume, but uniformly declined, be- 
 cause there were serious objections to many of his wittiest 
 paragraphs on account of partisan bitterness expressed in 
 them. He finally consented to publish the book, from a 
 knowledge of the fact that if he did not collect his own 
 paragraphs others would, and make the selection with far 
 less regard to the feelings of many who were his friends. 
 
 Prenticeana contains about three hundred pages. There 
 is not a single paragraph in it that is not characterized by 
 the most piercing keenness and the most exquisite aptness. 
 It does not, however, contain by any means the best speci- 
 mens of Prentice's wit and humor, but there is probably 
 no similar collection in any language that will begin to 
 compare with it. 
 
 At the beginning of the late war Mr. Prentice espoused 
 the cause of the Union. He put on his armor and went to 
 work in earnest. He infused into the columns of his paper 
 all the ardor and enthusiasm of his nature. His old 
 friends, many of whom had perilled their lives for him, 
 
GEORGE D. PREXTICE. 
 
 17 
 
 remonstrated with him, warned him, and threatened him. 
 Even his two sons, whom he loved with a devotion almost 
 unequalled, had entered the Southern army to battle for 
 what they deemed a sacred duty; but undaunted, he called 
 the people to arms, and to consolidate a mighty phalanx 
 against an unrighteous rebellion. He did more. He used 
 all the power and eloquence of his genius to persuade the 
 Southern people to put an end to hostilities and to pursue 
 a hopeless struggle no longer. 
 
 I need not dwell further upon this theme. The part 
 he enacted has passed into history. Had he adopted a 
 different course, the most fearful consequences to the 
 Government might have been the result. 
 
 In person Mr. Prentice was above the medium height. 
 His head was finely shaped; his figure was erect, but his 
 exceedingly sloping shoulders gave him rather a drooping 
 appearance. He was dignified and elegant in his bearing, 
 and graceful and natural in all his movements and actions. 
 His hands and feet were unusually small ; his face was 
 round and full ; his features were irregular but not homely. 
 His forehead was broad and high, and awed the beholder 
 by its expression of intellectual vigor. His eyes were his 
 finest feature ; they were of a dark brown color, rather 
 small, but lustrous and full of strange intelligence — 
 
 "Deep-searching seen, and seeing from afar."' 
 
 His voice was low-toned and persuasive, but, free as a 
 fountain, it took the form of the conduit thought. 
 
 He was one of the finest conversationists I ever heard. 
 He illumined every subject upon which he touched. He 
 knew exactly when to begin and when to stop. He had no 
 set speeches. He delivered no monologues. He never 
 wearied his listeners, or insulted them by presuming upon 
 their ignorance. His favorite poets were Virgil, Byron, 
 2^ 
 
1 8 GEORGE D. PRENTICE, 
 
 and Shelley. He placed Virgil even above Homer. He 
 said there was a freshness, a naturalness, and a stately 
 grandeur about the verses of Virgil that were unequalled. 
 He talked more of Shelley than of Byron, and I believe 
 saw more to love and admire in him both as a man and a 
 poet. Mr. Prentice, I believe, thought more of Rousseau 
 than of any other French author. He once asked me to 
 read the Nouvelle Hcloise : ''but, for heaven's sake," said 
 he, ''read it in the original text. There is a finesse about 
 Rousseau that cannot be translated." 
 
 Mr. Prentice's favorite German author was Jean Paul 
 Richter. He had read everything from his pen. I heard 
 him once advise a young writer to adopt Richter' s style as 
 a model, " that is," said he, ''if you must have a model." 
 
 Mr. Prentice was one of the best judges of character I 
 ever knew. It was almost impossible to hide truth from 
 him. He could see, at a glance, through the most guarded 
 meanness and hypocrisy. He never doubted the constancy 
 of a friend. Whenever he formed an attachment, it was 
 almost sure to last through life. There was not a particle 
 of selfishness in his nature. He was kind, and gentle and 
 charitable to a fault, and felt no enmity toward his rivals. 
 He never allowed his political feelings to alter his personal 
 relations. I have often heard him speak in the kindest 
 and most affectionate terms of Mr. Greeley. These two 
 great journalists were for many years the most bitter politi- 
 cal opponents, and, although engaged in a countless 
 number of polemic duels, neither of them at any time en- 
 tertained the slightest doubt of the honesty and sincerity 
 of the other's convictions. When Mr. Greeley came to 
 Louisville for the purpose of delivering one of his famous 
 lectures, Mr. Prentice urged me to go to hear him, saying, 
 " I regard him as the ablest, as well as the most con- 
 scientious journalist in the North ; he has outlived the 
 
GFORGE D. PRENTICE. lo 
 
 ordinary period of life, but his mind is in the fulli.ess of its 
 power. It is something for the people of the rising gene- 
 ration to look upon the form and features of such a brave 
 and daring chieftain. When he shall depart from among 
 us, he will probably not leave a single peer behind." 
 
 "On the evening of Mr. Greeley's lecture, Mr. Prentice 
 occupied a chair near the speaker's stand, and listened 
 attentively to every word that fell from his lips. A few 
 weeks after the lecture Mr. Prentice wrote the following 
 beautiful poem to him, entitled ' ' To a Political Opponent : ' ' 
 
 " I send thee, Greeley, words of cheer, 
 
 Thou bravest, truest, best of men ; 
 For I have marked thy strong career. 
 
 As traced by thy own sturdy pen. 
 I 've seen thy struggles with the foes 
 
 That dared thee to the desperate fight, 
 And loved to watch thy goodly blows. 
 
 Dealt for the cause thou deem'st the right. 
 
 •• Thou 'st dared to stand against the wrong 
 
 When many faltered by thy side; 
 In thy own strength hast dared be strong, 
 
 Nor on another's arm relied. 
 Thy own bold thoughts thou 'st dared to think, 
 
 Thy own great purposes avowed; 
 And none have ever seen thee shrink 
 
 From the fierce surges of the crowd. 
 
 " Thou, all unaided and alone, 
 
 Didst take thy way in life's young years, 
 With no kind hand clasped in thy own. 
 
 No gentle voice to soothe thy tears. 
 But thy high heart no power could tame, 
 
 And thou hast never ceased to feel 
 Within thy veins a sacred flame 
 
 That turned thv iron nerves to steel. 
 
20 GEORGE D. PRENTICE, 
 
 " I know that thou art not exempt 
 
 From all the weaknesses of earth; 
 For passion comes to rouse and tempt 
 
 The truest souls of mortal birth. 
 But thou hast well fulfilled thy trust, 
 
 In spite of love and hope and fear; 
 And e'en the tempest's thunder - gust 
 
 But clears thy spirit's atmosphere. 
 
 *' Thou still art in thy manhood's prime. 
 
 Still foremost 'mid thy fellow-men, 
 Though in each year of all thy time 
 
 Thou hast compressed threescore and ten. 
 Oh, may each blessed sympathy, 
 
 Breathed on thee with a tear and sigh, 
 A sweet flower in thy pathway be, 
 
 A bright star in thy clear blue sky." 
 
 I regret that the limits prescribed for this article will not 
 admit of an extended notice of Mr. Prentice's poetry. It 
 has been said that "he wrote verses simply as a recrea- 
 tion," and that ''he estimated lightly his poetic gift." 
 There is no truth whatever in such a conclusion. A more 
 silly thought never took possession of a critic's brain. 
 
 Mr. Prentice wrote poetry because he loved it, because 
 he could not help it, and because it was one of the elements 
 in which he lived, and moved, and breathed, and had his 
 being. It was so deeply interwoven in his nature that it 
 became an integral part of it, and ever clung around and 
 about him as the tendrils of the ivy to the oak. It was to 
 his existence what the dew and sunshine are to the flowers. 
 
 In the stillness of night, when alone in his room, '* a time 
 for memory and tears," his great soul loved to commune 
 with itself and the spirit of the universe. I have heard him 
 say that at such moments, if it had not been for his para- 
 lyzed hand, he could have expressed thoughts such as only 
 the truly inspired feel. 
 
GEORGE D PREXTICE. 21 
 
 His poems entitled " My Mother's Grave," and a little 
 poem called "Violets" (published in the Ledger a few 
 weeks before his death, but written last summer), ''The 
 Closing Year," '' The Stars," " To a Poetess on her Birth- 
 day," ''The River in the Mammoth Cave," are among 
 his best pieces. 
 
 The last poem he ever wrote was inscribed to my wife. 
 It is so very beautiful that I hope I shall be pardoned for 
 inserting it here. 
 
 " TO MY POETESS — A. M. G. 
 
 •< Dear Alice, for two happy hours 
 
 I've sat within this little nook, 
 To muse upon the sweet soul - flower3 
 
 That blossom in thy gentle book. 
 They lift their white and spotless bells, 
 
 Untouched by frost, unchanged by time; 
 For they are blessed immortelles 
 
 Transplanted from the Eden clime. 
 
 " With pure and deep idolatry 
 
 Upon each lovely page I've dwelt, 
 Till to thy spirit's sorcery 
 
 My spirit has with reverence knelt. 
 Oh, every thought of thine to me 
 
 Is like a fount, a bird, a star, * 
 
 A tone of holy minstrelsy 
 
 Down floating from the clouds afarl 
 
 *' The fairies have around thee traced 
 
 A circle bright, a magic sphere, 
 The home of genius, beauty, taste, 
 
 The joyous smile, the tender tear. 
 
 Within that circle, calm and clear, 
 W'ith nature's softest dews impearled, 
 
 I sit and list with pitying ear 
 The tumults of the far-off world. 
 
23 GEORGE D. PREXTTCK. 
 
 *' Thy book is shut — its flowers remain, 
 
 'Mid this mysterious twilight gloom, 
 Deep -imaged on my heart and brain, 
 
 And shed their fragrance through my room. 
 
 Ah, how I love their holy bloom, 
 As in these moonbeams, dim and wan. 
 
 They seem pale blossoms o'er a tomb 
 That's closed upon the loved and gone ! 
 
 " Young angel of my waning years. 
 
 Consoler of life's stormiest day, 
 Magician of my hopes and fears, 
 
 Guide of my dark and troubled way. 
 
 To thee this little votive lay 
 In gratitude I dedicate, 
 
 And with an earnest spirit pray 
 God's blessing on thy mortal state." 
 
 ** The Closing Year" is one of his earliest productions. 
 It is more frequently quoted than any other of his poems. 
 It is generally regarded as his finest creation. It bears 
 some resemblance to Bryant's ** Thanatopsis," to which it 
 has often been compared, but its imagery is far bolder and 
 more inspiring, and it has a greater breadth of vision and a 
 wider range of imagination. There is, however, in " Thana- 
 topsis " a soft and mellow beauty which is hardly equalled 
 in the other, but there is a compactness, or rather com- 
 pleteness, about Bryant's poems that seems to leave no room 
 for suggestiveness. 
 
 *' The Closing Year," however, is no more beautiful or 
 suggestive than some of Mr. Prentice's later productions : 
 for instance, " The Summit of the Sierra Madre," and the 
 "Thoughts on the Far Past," written but a few months 
 before his death. 
 
 The truth is, Mr. Prentice's genius shone out with in- 
 creasing splendor toward the close of his life. 
 
 In the spring of 1868 he said to me, *'I have promised 
 
GEORGE D. PRENTICE. 23 
 
 Mr. Bonner to write ten pieces of poetry for the Ledger. I 
 am glad of it. I am growing old ; pain and sickness and 
 trouble and sorrow have laid their corroding fingers upon 
 my brow, and many think that I cannot write as well as I 
 did in my younger years. I am determined to prove to the 
 contrary, for the rose of my spirit is as bright and fresh as 
 in the days of my boyhood." On the first day of 1869 he 
 said, "The past year was a bad old year; I am glad that 
 it is gone, and that a new one has come with its buds of 
 hope and promise. I am determined to make this year the 
 best year of my life." 
 
 How well he fulfilled his resolution is known to the world. 
 There was not a line that fell from his pen that did not 
 bear upon it the ineffaceable stamp of his genius. 
 
 I have already referred to the affection in the hands of 
 Mr. Prentice. It is called Chorea Scriptorum, or Scriven- 
 ers' Crajnp. As everything about Mr. Prentice is interest- 
 ing, and in relation to this malady may be instructive, I 
 purpose to give some details additional to those I have men- 
 tioned. This Chorea Scriptorum was the torture of Mr. 
 Prentice's life for over thirty years. It showed itself soon 
 after an exciting canvass for the Bresidency, during which 
 he wrote excessively. After trying a multitude of remedies, 
 including galvanism and electricity, without getting relief, 
 he managed to write by using a pen the handle of which 
 was made very large by wrapping silk around it. The pen 
 was grasped by all the fingers and the thumb kept in a state 
 of extension. This plan soon began to fail, and in view of 
 this possibility Mr. Prentice learned to write with his left 
 hand. The left hand soon fell into the condition of the 
 right one. Amanuenses were then employed, and upon 
 these he was mainly dependent the rest of his life. The 
 inventive genius of the country was taxed for the invention 
 of a suitable writinor-machine for him, but all machines 
 
24 GEORGE D. PRENTICE. 
 
 failed, and were of course abandoned. One season he went 
 to New Orleans, and placed himself under hydropathic treat- 
 ment with a hope of cure. He pursued this until his con- 
 stitution was severely ravaged. The entire skin was in a 
 state of serious paralysis. This induced him to moderate 
 his use of hydropathy, but he never gave it up until a for- 
 eigner, whom he had brought with him from New Orleans, 
 and who resided with him because of his great pretensions 
 as a hydropathist, undertook one night to reduce a disloca- 
 tion of the right shoulder by pouring pitchers of cold water 
 over the shoulder. This filled the cup of Mr. Prentice's 
 suspicions of the ignorance of his hydropathic attendant. 
 The family physician was sent for, and he immediately re- 
 duced the dislocation. From this time Mr. Prentice gave 
 up hydropathy. 
 
 This mysterious disease is incurable as a general rule. 
 Niemeyer quotes Fritz for the most sensible view of this 
 malady that has been given. Brown-Sequard and Claude 
 Bernard have explained the phenomena of reflex actions of 
 the nervous system, and have shown that they have their 
 origin mainly in the skin. Fritz says that this affection is 
 a reflex neurosis, in which, however, excitement of the 
 motor nerves is not derived from the cutaneous nerves, as 
 in most reflex neuroses, but proceeds from the muscular 
 nerves. The evil, no matter how long it may be quiescent 
 by abstinence from the use of the muscles that produced the 
 disorder, will invariably show itself even if the hand is 
 merely held in the position for writing. As soon as this 
 special use is suspended, the malady ceases during absti- 
 nence from this use. Mr. Prentice, notwithstanding this 
 affliction, occasionally wrote in his own hand poems and 
 letters to his particular friends. 
 
 Mr. Prentice never wearied talking of the beauties and 
 mysteries of nature; and I have often listened, spell- 
 
GEORGE D. PRENTICE. 25 
 
 bound, as it were, to his description of the Mammoth Cave 
 with its deep chasms, Stygian pools, awful aisles, fathom- 
 less gulfs, crystal fountains, and high-pillared domes 
 fretted with the semblance of stars and flowers. He had 
 arranged with my family to visit the Cave during the com- 
 ing spring. He said, " I want to stand once more upon 
 the bank of Echo River, that wild and wizard stream, in 
 which no star or rainbow ever glassed its image of love 
 and beauty, and extinguish my lamp, and see what darkness 
 
 is." 
 
 Mr. Prentice, at one time, thought of retiring from the 
 press for the purpose of devoting himself wholly to the 
 pursuit of literature. His son, Colonel Clarence J. Pren- 
 tice, had purchased a beautiful farm, nine miles below 
 Louisville, on the Ohio River, and it was his wish that his 
 father should pass the remainder of his life away from the 
 noise and bustle of the city ; but a fondness for newspapers 
 prevented Mr. Prentice from acceding to the wishes of 
 his son, and it maybe said that he died literally in harness, 
 with accumulated and accumulating duties around him. 
 The last time I saw Mr. Prentice in Louisville was the 
 day before he started to his son's. He came to spend the.* 
 evening with us, and as he sat in his chair in the library I 
 thought that I had never seen him look so well before. 
 He was unusually cheerful, and talked with much pleasure 
 of a visit to his son's during the approaching holidays; but 
 I fancied that his voice assumed a more melancholy tone 
 than usual when he said, '' It is a dreary trip at best during 
 the winter. The roads are in a bad condition, and I look 
 forward to the time with no little anxiety when I shall 
 again have the pleasure of passing an evening with you and 
 Alice and dear little Virgiline." I did not then think that 
 he was so soon destined to leave us forever, and that the 
 walls of our little library had echoed for the last time the 
 3 
 
26 GEORGE D. PRENTICE, 
 
 musical tones of his much-loved voice. The next morning 
 he started to his son's. The day was the coldest of the 
 year. He made the trip in an open carriage. The expos- 
 ure gave him a severe cold, which resulted in an attack of 
 pneumonia. Dr. J. W. Benson, of Louisville, was sent 
 for, and though he treated Mr Prentice's disease with the 
 utmost skill, there was not strength enough in his enfeebled 
 constitution to rally from its effects. 
 
 I saw Mr. Prentice several times during his illness, and 
 each time thought he would recover, but I believe that 
 from the first he anticipated his own destiny. He said, 
 *' It is almost impossible for one who has suffered as much 
 as I have to get well ; but I do not complain. Death has 
 no terrors for me : this world is not our only home : 
 there is a brighter and a nobler existence beyond the 
 grave." 
 
 About a week after the interview I saw him again. He 
 appeared to suffer less pain than at any time during his 
 illness. He inquired kindly, very kindly, about some of 
 his friends in Louisville, and expressed a faint hope that 
 he should be able to go to see them in a few weeks ; but I 
 could see in his countenance that he was calmly and 
 patiently awaiting the hour when he should no longer be a 
 dweller beneath the skies. 
 
 On Friday, the 21st of January, he sent me word that he 
 was dying. I felt it my duty to be by his bed-side. The 
 river had overflowed its banks, and the messenger who 
 arrived from the farm reported the roads in an almost im- 
 passable condition. My wife, who had loved and admired 
 Mr. Prentice's poetry from her childhood, could not be 
 dissuaded from accompanying me. 
 
 We left the city late in the evening, and after proceeding 
 some distance, we were compelled to leave the road and 
 go through a dense wood, in order to avoid the back water. 
 
GEORGE D. PRENTICE, 
 
 27 
 
 The darkness was enough to appall stouter hearts than ours. 
 At last we reached a temporary lake which had surrounded 
 the house of the dying. 
 
 A little boat was in waiting to take us across the water ; 
 but I shall not attempt to describe the picture that pre- 
 sented itself to our view as I lifted my wife into the boat, 
 and saw the physician standing on the steps with a flicker- 
 ing lamp in his hand, reflecting the scene of death in the 
 background. 
 
 It was afeout ten o'clock when we entered the room. 
 Mr. Prentice had been in a dying condition since eight in 
 the morning. Not a murmur or word of complaint crossed 
 his lips. My wife approached his bed, and said, '' Do you 
 know me, Mr. Prentice?" He did not recognize her at 
 first, and thinking she was Mrs. Prentice's little sister, 
 Josephine, said, *'Yes, it is Josephine;" but when my 
 wife told him her name, he said, ''Yes, yes, I know you 
 now ; it is Alice." 
 
 Mr. Prentice was in the full possession of his faculties 
 until the last moment of existence ; and I have been 
 informed by Captain J. M. Hewett, who faithfully nursed 
 him throughout his sickness, that in not a single instance 
 did he abandon that patient forbearance and elegant 
 politeness which so beautifully characterized all his actions 
 in life. 
 
 I have heard it said that the last words of great men are 
 great like themselves, and I felt no little curiosity to hear 
 the last words of Mr. Prentice. My wife, who held his 
 hand in hers at the time, says they were (as near as she 
 could understand them), " I want to go, I want to go." I 
 have often stood by the side of the dying, but I never 
 before beheld a death-scene half so solemn or impressive. 
 Mr. Prentice's little grandson, Georgie, was asleep on a 
 lounge in the room, unconscious of the end that was await- 
 
2 8 GEORGE D. PRENTICE. 
 
 ing the being he most loved upon earth. The attending 
 physician had ceased to hope even against hope, and weary 
 with watching, fell asleep in his chair. At last Colonel 
 Prentice knelt at the side of his father, and exclaimed, in 
 accents of deepest woe, *' Pa, Pa, speak to me once more ; " 
 but no answering word came to relieve the awful silence ; 
 and a few moments afterward the golden bowl was broken, 
 and the silver cord unstrung, and the spirit of the great 
 man winged its flight to the bosom of the God who gave it. 
 
B U K F A Q &. 
 
 ■• » > 
 
 Thou&h I liave been a public writer from my boj- 
 nood, I offer this volume to mj fellow-citizens with a 
 diffidence almost painful. It is made up of a portion of 
 the paragraphs that I have wi'itten for the " Louisville 
 Journal " durins^ the last twentv-nine vears, and a few 
 of those written for the " ]S^ew York Ledger " within the 
 last two years. 
 
 A long time ago, I was urged often and earnestly to 
 publish such a volume as this, or permit one to be pub- 
 dished, but I uniformly declined. I should decline still, 
 but for the knowledge that, if I do not publish my own 
 paragraphs, others will, making the selections with far 
 less regard for the feelings of men who are now my 
 friends than I choose to exercise. 
 
 I am as well aware as any one can be, that there are 
 just grounds of grave objection to this book. Probably, 
 in many things that it contains, little else than partisan 
 bitterness will be found. Still I have carefully excluded, 
 out of deference to the sensibilities of persons whom 1 
 now esteem and love, thousands of the very passages 
 which, at the time of their appearance, did most to give 
 to the "Louisville Journal" its fame or its notoriety. 
 In many of the passages here given, I have suppressed 
 names in order that there mav be no occasion for offence. 
 Li regard to my contemporaries of the Press, who are 
 
 iU 
 
IV PREFACE. 
 
 referred to, I will say, in justice botli to myself and tu 
 them, that not more than half of the blows struck between 
 them and me were mine. I do not think that I have 
 now a feeling of personal enmitv toward any member 
 of the Press. 
 
 Many, and perhaps most, of the paragraphs here col- 
 lected relate to the men and measures of former times, 
 but I believe they all explain themselves. I have no 
 doubt, however, that a very considerable proportion of 
 them, which, perhaps from partisan partiality, were 
 deemed "good hits" at the time, will, now that the 
 occasion which called them forth has passed, be read 
 with comparatively little interest. I know that such 
 things do not 'keejp well. 
 
 It is of course impossible for me to remember how 
 far I may, in some trifles, have been indebted to sug- 
 gestions that I found in the writings of others, but I 
 believe that all which I have here given is my own. 
 Kot a few of the paragraphs have been keeping their 
 place in the new^spaper Press for many years, no one 
 seeming to have any knowledge of their origin, and 
 very likely they are not worth my reclaiming. 
 
 The reader will see that, occasionally, to express a 
 thought, or a fancy, or a conceit more conveniently, I 
 have put the words into the form of a dialogue, purport- 
 ing sometimes to be between two politicians, sometimes 
 a man and his wife, etc., but such paragraphs are not 
 less original, not less my own, than the rest. 
 
 The Publishers are responsible for the title of this 
 book. 
 
 G. D. Prentictk. 
 
PRE^TICEA^A. 
 
 -<•►■ 
 
 A 
 
 N exchange says that we have a right to take an um- 
 brella or a kiss without permission wherever we can. 
 Well, but if the umbrella isn't returned, the fault is ours ; 
 if the kiss isn't, it is the lady's. 
 
 A MAN went out into the fields to procure slippery-elm 
 bark. After freely chewmg what he supposed to be the 
 genuine article, he became wretchedly sick. jSTo doubt he 
 " barked up the wi'ong tree." 
 
 MR. THO^IAS POTT, a citizen of Western Texas, pub- 
 lishes a violent communication against his neighbors in 
 general, because he has had an axe stolen. His rage is evi- 
 dently a tempest in a T. Pott. 
 
 THE " Boston Transcript " says, that a young lady, after 
 reading attentively the title of a novel called " The 
 Last Man," exclaimed — " bless me, if such a thing were 
 ever to happen, what would become of the women ?" We 
 think a more pertinent inquiry is, v.-liat would become of 
 the poor nimi .^" 
 
6 PRENIICEANA. 
 
 AX Alabama paper calls Mr. " a Van Buren man, on 
 the alleged authority of a Mr. Shaw of Tennessee and 
 Mr. Pugh of the *' Lexington Gazette." To Shaw's author- 
 ity we saj pshoic ! and to rugh'&, pooh ! 
 
 A QUIZZICAL editor in Arkansas, who rejoices in the 
 rather quizzical name of Harry Hurry, says that "truth 
 is generally slow in its progress." Probably it is never in 
 
 such a Hurry as he. 
 
 »_#-# 
 
 A FEMALE correspondent suggests a condition on which 
 -^^ she will give us a kiss. We feel in duty bound to say 
 to her, that kissing is a thing that, at every proper oppor- 
 tunity, we set our face against. 
 
 AWESTER;N' editor boasts that his State furnishes a 
 greater quantity of oats than any other in the Union. 
 He forgets to say whether she also furnishes a greater num- 
 ber of asses to eat them. 
 
 AN editor in Michigan, talking of corn, professes to have 
 a couple of ears fifteen inches long. Some folks are 
 remarkable for the length of their ears. 
 
 THE Cincinnati representative in Congress boasts that he 
 can " bring an argument to a p'int as quick as any other 
 man." He can bring a quart to a pint a good deal quicker. 
 
 ri'^HE editor of the " New Hampshire Patriot " says, that 
 J- if the Whigs succeed in their efforts, he shall tremble 
 for the fate of the country. He may tremble as much as he 
 pleases, but ho will be no great shakes. 
 
P R E N T I C E A N A . 
 
 4 MAX recently got married in KenliKky one day and 
 'A. hung himself the next. Xo doubt he wanted to try all 
 varieties of nooses to see which he liked best. 
 
 THE Salem (Ind.) " Annotator " says, that in a late remark 
 respecting Mr. Ratt, the Democratic candidate for Con- 
 gress in that district, we were guilty of misrepresentation. 
 Perhaps the candidate or his editor will tell us what the 
 misrepresentation was. Come, Mr. Ratt — you " can a tale 
 
 unfold." 
 
 »-•-• 
 
 THE '^ Pioneer " wants to know whether, if the de^dl 
 were to die, the newspapers would not eulogize his char- 
 acter. If they didn't, the editors would be very likely 
 to get unceremonious orders from some of the relations of 
 the deceased — " stop my paper." 
 
 1\ FRS. POLLY TROOX^E, of Brazoria, has been convicted 
 
 ^'-L of slandering her neighbors. A good many unconvicted 
 
 Polrtroons of the other sex are habitually guilty of the 
 
 same offence. 
 
 — •-•-• 
 
 IT is stated that the members of a late court martial ran 
 up a bill of four hundred and fifty dollars against the 
 government for port wine. We suppose those rnen-of-icar 
 thought they ought to make /'Or^ holes of their mouths. 
 
 A TEXAS editor, in reply to the imputation of being a 
 small craft, boasts that he " carries as many gims and 
 draws as much water " as his assailant. We fear he draws 
 more brandv than water. 
 
 THE editor of the calls himself a lion. If not 
 the kinc; of beasts, he is certainly a very great ore. 
 
8 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 IT has been suggested that the culture of hemp be tried 
 in tlie South. A southern editor, remarking upon the 
 subject, says that he knows all about cotton and rice, but 
 doesn't understand hemp at all. Perhaps he may yet get 
 the hang of it. 
 
 I 
 
 T is exceedingly bad husbandry to harrow up the feelings 
 of your wife. 
 
 AUR friend Hunt, of the "Nashville Banner," addicts 
 ^ himself to making puns upon our name. We have 
 hunted for some pun wherewithal to be revenged on him, 
 but our labors have proved, like himself — a vain and unpro- 
 fitable hunt. 
 
 »♦• — 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC editor in Indiana says that he should 
 hazard very little in contradicting our assertions. Very 
 true ; he would be hazarding the merest trifle in the world 
 — nothing hut his character /or veracity. 
 
 rrilERE is an editor of our acquaintance who exaggerates 
 J- so habitually that we fear he will never sjyeaJc within 
 hounds — unless he is sent to the penitentiary. 
 
 THE editor of the " Eastern Argus " is melancholy in his 
 ^ reflections upon the close of the year. He says he shall 
 soon be lying in his grave. When he gets there, it will be 
 time for him to stop lymg. The ruling passion is often 
 strong in death, but seldom after it. 
 
 »■ — •♦> 
 
 TiST some paits of Arkansas, trees are scarce and hangings 
 J- numerous. A tree without two or three men hanging 
 on it is quite a rare spectacle. Such a tree is not considere*. 
 
 a good bearer. 
 
P R E N T I C E A N A . 
 
 THE question is often discussed whether the savages enjoy 
 life. We suppose they do, as they always seem anxious 
 
 to talxie it when they get a chance. 
 
 i TOUXG widow has established a pistol-gallery in Xew 
 ^ Orleans. Her qualifications as a teacher of the art of 
 duelling are of course undoubted ; she has killed her raan. 
 
 A 
 
 CAXADIAX editor says that he has " a keen rapier to 
 prick all fools and knaves." His friends had better take 
 
 it from him. He micrht commit suicide. 
 
 THE " Xashville Republican " announces that Mr. Barrow 
 is to take charge of its editoral department. We know 
 nothing of his pohtical opinions, but presume from his name 
 that he is not " a whole hos:." * 
 
 A LETTER from China says that the Chinese have suc- 
 ceeded, by the skill of their cultivators, in producing a 
 new and delicious variety of tea. We suppose they have 
 accomplished this by crossing their teas. 
 
 IT is said that the hunger for gold generally increases with 
 age. Accordingly we see that most of our old people 
 have it in their mouths. 
 
 A MAX was recently convicted in Kentucky of stealing 
 his neighbor's cows and hiding them in his cellar. It 
 was a cowardly mode of cow-hiding. 
 
 * It was a common boast of the old Jackson party that they " went 
 the whole hog," and they came to be denominated " whole hogs." It 
 was a coarse term, but at the time they did not object to it. They 
 accepted it as kindly as the Whigs afterward did the name of " coons." 
 
 1* 
 
10 PKENTICEANA. 
 
 W 
 
 E always hated moustaches. We would almost as soon 
 be hare-lipped as hair-lipped. 
 
 THE question is often asked, why it is that so many dogs 
 have spots over their eyes. Probably nature, in that 
 particular case, stops to dot her eyes. 
 
 A 
 
 MR. STARR, of Georgia, shot a Cherokee Indian the 
 other day in the gold region. lie is a shooting-Starr. 
 
 ANEW ENGLAND writer says that it has been found 
 that negroes can be better trusted than white men not 
 to betray secrets. We suppose this is upon the principle 
 that they always " keep dark,^'' 
 
 
 
 UR neighbor says he has discovered a rat-hole. He 
 had better move into it and save house-rent. 
 
 A ROMANTIC poet sends us some stanzas addressed to 
 a young woman, and commencing — " We met as meet 
 the day and night." We can't encourage amalgamation. 
 
 VIRGINIA seems in sore distress on account of Mr. Van 
 Buren's nomination. She played with a juggler and 
 lias been juggled. She dealt with the Kinderhooker and 
 has been Jcind^er hooked. 
 
 TPIE « Herald" says, that Mr. W., in his 
 speech at the court-house in that place, professed to 
 have forgotten the name of the editor of the " Journal." 
 He would forget his own if he changed it as often as he 
 does his principles. 
 
PEE^i^TICEAXA. 11 
 
 THE editor of the " Advertiser " eajs, there are several 
 conductors of the " Journal." It is not strange that he 
 thmks so. During the last war, an American soldier at 
 Xew London, chancing to come somewhat suddenly upon 
 a peaceful and sohtary traveller, ran back into camp, hair 
 on end, exclaiming with all his might — Help ! help ! I am 
 chased by a thousand British ! 
 
 SOME newspaper establishments are operated by steam. 
 In others, horse or ass power is employed. Should our 
 neighbor obtain, as he promises, a steam press, he will 
 have a combination of advantages — a paper printed by 
 steam, and edited by an ass. 
 
 I ^ VERY day our neighbor repeats against us the charge 
 -^ of lying. If we ever set up a lie-factory, we shall han or 
 him oiit for a sign. He gets four thousand dollars a year 
 for lying, and this, according to the nicest estimate we can 
 make, is about half a dime for every ten lies. 
 
 ''FHE editor of the " Argus," speaks of having 
 
 ^ filled a sheet of foolscap on the subject of the Briti<h 
 West India trade. Fool's-ca/> is made to be filled by such 
 heads as his. 
 
 THE editor of the " Gazette," noticing a 
 late accident, says, that one of the persons killed was 
 
 Mr. , who kee2)s the springs. If the springs are kept 
 
 by a dead man, none but ghosts will drink at them. 
 
 IT is very well that the youth of our country sliould get 
 high^ but they should do so as the oaks do — by driukiiig 
 water. 
 
13 P E E N T I C E A N A . 
 
 A BOILED potato was recently set on a dinner-table at 
 Chicago, which, on being opened, was found to contain 
 a serpent. Manv a serpent has been taken to the table in a 
 bottle or decanter, and many a victim been mortally stung 
 
 in consequence. 
 
 — »» > 
 
 A GENTLEMAN, if aggrieved, has a right to pull a 
 -^*- blackguard's ears, but he should on no account cut 
 them off. They should be left on for the accommodation 
 of other aggrieved parties. 
 
 THE " Chicago Journal " says that we must, in these days 
 of wonders, be surprised at nothing. But when should 
 we be surprised, if not in the days of wonders ? 
 
 THERE is said to be " many a slip between the cup and 
 the lip," but it would be well for some of our young 
 men, and old ones too, if there were a good many more. 
 
 IK 
 
 J. S. SNELLING, somewhat notorious in the lite- 
 ary world, has published a life of General Jackson. 
 In undertaking the old hero's biography, he has followed 
 the advice he once gave to us. Two or three years ago he 
 Avrote a satii'ical volume, wherein, among other hard things, 
 he said to us : 
 
 " Think not to honor 'tis the certain way 
 To soil the noble life of Henry Clay — 
 Go seek a patron more upon thy level, 
 Go plaster Andrew Jackson or the devil." 
 
 As the poet has taken part of his own advice, he had 
 better adopt the rest, giving the world the devil's biogra- 
 phy as soon as possible. Let it be entitled the " Life of 
 Old Scratch," by his affectionate son. 
 
P Pw E N T I C E A N A . 13 
 
 TT is very provoking to see how constantly certain editors 
 J- are in the habit of stealing the best articles they can find 
 m their exchanges. They should at least be content to pilfer 
 second or third-rate matter. Their betters would probably 
 have no objection to setting apart something for their use. 
 An old Scotch fai-mer sovred a field of turnips, and, appro- 
 priatmg a ridge to the use of the public, put up a notice, 
 *' Thieves are requested to steal from this spot." 
 
 4 POLITICAL editor of a ^dllage newspaper cries aloud 
 -^ *- to his party, " Let your trumpets bray in the front of 
 the battle." A good many pohtical partisans can bray well 
 enough without such instruments. The use of trumpets is 
 a needless expenditure of brass. 
 
 1T7E received a newspaper two days ago, professing to 
 *' give a fuU account of the creation of the world. We 
 shouldn't be much surprised if the enterprising editor were 
 to bring up the news in his next number to Xoah's flood. 
 
 THERE are four or five Democratic editors in this vici- 
 nity whose abuse amuses us not a little. If one assails 
 us, all the rest stand ready to sustain him by furnishing him 
 with the necessary falsehoods and copying his Billingsgate. 
 Thev remind us of the habit of rats. It is said that a strino- 
 of some half dozen of these vermin will hold each other up 
 by the tail to enable the lowermost to steal an egg from 
 the bottom of a barrel. 
 
 A FEW days ago, the freedom of Xew York city was pre- 
 sented to Mr. Van Buren in a gold snufi*-box. All the 
 freedom that Xew York has enjoyed for years might be 
 given away in a box of the very smallest description. 
 
14 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 A WRITER in the " Gazette " says that the 
 
 ■^^ cholera has renewed its ravages in that city, in conse- 
 quence of the drunkenness of the Chiy-men at the election. 
 The author of this very decorous calumny is a little short- 
 legged fellow with a red nose, looking for all the world like 
 a brandy-keg waddling about on a couple of taps. 
 
 A SHORT time ago the editor of the was professedly 
 neutral in politics, but all at once he came out a violent 
 partisan. Every political movement has a cause ; some- 
 times that cause is openly avowed, and sometimes it is put 
 slily away into a man's breeches'* pocket. 
 
 OUR southern friends are under the impression that, if a 
 genuine Yankee were to meet Death on the pale horse, 
 he would banter him to swap horses. 
 
 THERE is no more dishonor in being knocked down by a 
 bully than in bemg scratched by a catamount or kicked 
 
 by a jackass. 
 
 •-«-# 
 
 APOLITICAL opponent says that we have twisted his 
 arguments till they are no longer his but our own. 
 Suppose we were to twist his nose — would it become our 
 nose instead of his ? 
 
 ^i TS the smoke of my cigarette unpleasant to you, sir ?" 
 -*■ " Oh, no, madam ; I would rather inhale smoke from 
 your beautiful lips, than taste kisses from any others." 
 
 A COUPLE of our western editors are publishing bitter 
 hand-bills against each other. There is a great deal of 
 billing between them, but no cooing. 
 
PREXTICEANA. 15 
 
 THE sheriff of Lincoln County asks why we do not come 
 and kick him. Dr. Johnson said of certain curiosities 
 in Scotland, that they were worth seeing, but not worth 
 going to see. In like manner we say of the Lincoln sheriff 
 — he is worth kicking, but not worth gomg to kick. 
 
 A 
 
 N administration organ in New York says that " if the 
 Senate stands in the way of the President in the dis- 
 charge of his constitutional functions, he will unhesitatingly 
 leap over it." That will be the most wonderful leap since 
 the time when " the old cow jumped over the moon." 
 
 'i TTOW do you hke my face, miss?" said an individual, 
 11 whose forehead and chin protruded very much, 
 while the intermediate features formed a concavity. " Oh, 
 sir, it is my favorite dish.^'^ 
 
 WJIIEN a young woman marries an old man for his money, 
 
 T V he should certainly let her have it all. If she takes 
 
 him, that she doesn't want, he should let her have his gold 
 
 that she does. 
 
 •-♦-• 
 
 rpHE editor of the " Advertiser " calls upon the people not 
 
 i to pay their debts to the bank. His late call upon the 
 
 opponents of the institution to " strike for liberty," is now 
 
 explained. By striking for liberty, he means cheating a 
 
 creditor. " I feel patriotic," exclaimed a drunken soldier. 
 
 " What do you mean by feeling patriotic ?" inquired a by- . 
 
 etander. " Why, I feel as if I should like to kill somebody 
 
 or steal something." 
 
 — ♦-#-• 
 
 THERE is in the Senate a man whose life has been one of 
 ignominy, and, when he dies, his epitaph should be, 
 Here lies the man who lied in the American Senate. 
 
16 
 
 P K i: N T I C E ANA. 
 
 lifR. C, of Xew York, has made a speech in Congress in 
 •^'^ defence of the late act of the executive. Although 
 he didn't succeed in clearing the executive, he was re- 
 markably successful in clearing the house. 
 
 Tj^LEAS must be long-lived. The " industrious fleas " that 
 -L were taken through the country fifteen years ago, are 
 advertised as having gone to Caj^e Cod. They will have 
 to be " industrious " there, or they will starve to death. 
 
 1 T has been thought strange that a dinner to which a man 
 -A- is not invited, is generally the one that sits hardest upon 
 his stomach. 
 
 O COTT says that " every man that lives has his lights and 
 ^-^ shades." We are not so certain about the shades, but 
 there is no liver without lio-hts. 
 
 MEN should not think too much of themselves, and yet a 
 man should always be careful not to forget himself I 
 
 Tl/E have before us a copy of the famous post-office cir- 
 ' ' cular, soliciting contributions for the Postmaster- 
 General's picture. On the whole, we are not surprised at 
 his resorting to this expedient. Having expended the last 
 iiirthing in his possession, what is he to do if he cannot " run 
 his face ?" 
 
 fy^HE Democratic editors display their wit in the invention 
 -■- of nicknames for the Whig party. A Tennessee paper 
 says that " the editor of the ' Louisville Journal ' is a big 
 Wig." That may be, but our Tennessee friend is " no great 
 ecratch,'''* 
 
PRENTICEANA. 17 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC editor in Illinois says that lie " wears 
 no collar." But probably the worst is that he wears 
 no shirt. We hope his friends will get up a subscription, 
 and send him a dozen shirts with a good stout collar to 
 each. If he is not collared now, he certainly was a couple 
 of years ago — collared very unceremoniously by a gentle- 
 man whom he had libelled, and whom he thought the ma- 
 
 Ugnant cholerer. 
 
 • *-■• 
 
 MR. Q. made another speech at the court-house last night. 
 He was, if possible, more fiend-like than upon the for- 
 mer occasion. Seven devils seemed to have taken posses- 
 ion of him — not Belzebub, Moloch, or any of the big devils, 
 but seven mean, malignant, grovelling imps, such as in the 
 olden time entered into the herd of swine. 
 
 'TTT'E take no account of Mr. W.'s threats against us. He 
 ' ' will never have the courage to make a bodily assault 
 even upon a cripple, unless he first takes a brick and beats 
 his own skull to raise a bump of combativeness. He is a 
 bladder of wdnd — puffed, swollen, and portly ; but give him 
 a smgle prick and he lies lank and shrivelled before you. 
 
 THE " Eastern Argus " undertakes to defend the integrity 
 of a high ofiicer of the Government by alleging, that, 
 though he has been in office for years, he is still a poor man. 
 That's no rule. Calvin Edson, the living skeleton, used to 
 eat ten pounds of meat per day. The more he gobbled, the 
 more he wouldn't get fat. 
 
 TIHE officers of the government have given to the editor 
 of the the paper and twine contract for 
 
 the whole West. They have given him " rope enough," 
 Hoping, probably, that he will hang hLinself, 
 
18 P K E N T I C E A N A . 
 
 "ITT'IIEX we see a man ostentatiously buying books that 
 ' ' he never intends to read, and that he couldn't under- 
 stand if he did, we are forcibly reminded of deaf men 
 buying tickets to the opera, and blind ones to picture 
 galleries. 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC editor in Ohio, whose paper is as dingy 
 and dirty as if manufactured from the unwashed rags of 
 his own back, abuses us at a terrible rate. We should 
 imagine his daily beverage must be aqua fortis stirred up 
 with a lightning-rod. 
 
 THE last number of the government organ contained 
 but three falsehoods. Until the appearance of the next 
 number, the subordinate organs must live upon short com- 
 mons. It is " fast-day " with them. 
 
 THE Democrats of Springfield, at their late celebration, 
 fired one gun in honor of the head of President Jack- 
 son's kitchen cabinet. We presume that it was charged 
 with spits, pothooks, and ladles, and wadded with a dish- 
 cloth. 
 
 TFHE comet lately passed near the constellation of the Great 
 -^ Bear. Since then its tail is said to be considerably 
 shortened. If the bear bit it off, all the planets in the solar 
 system should honor bruin with a vote of thanks. 
 
 a:: 
 
 CRITIC says of a late volume of poetry, that it is 
 unutterably stupid." Pity it hadn't been. 
 
 THE editor of the says he has * a rod in soak 
 for us." We always knew hira for an old soaker. 
 
P B E N T I C E A N A . 19 
 
 COXTEMPOR^y^Y of ours says that " Some editors 
 are always trying to be witty and often fail." His 
 
 readers might add that others seem always trying to be 
 
 stupid and never fail. 
 
 A 
 
 30HX T. FROST, of Donaldsonville, has had to pay a 
 man five hundred dollars for biting off his nose. That's 
 more than men generally get for having their noses bitten 
 by Jack Frost. 
 
 IX Columbia, a week or two since, a man whistled to his 
 neighbor as if calling a dog, and got soundly w^hipped 
 for it. That was " paying dear for the whistle." 
 
 THE botanists tell us that there is no such thmg in nature 
 as a black flower. We suppose they never heard of the 
 ' coal-black Rose." 
 
 A 
 
 FELLOW who has taken our paper two years without 
 ever paying a farthing for it, threatens to be our " pa- 
 tron " no longer. He has been just such a patron as a rat 
 is to a corn-crib, a cat to a pot of cream, or a Democratic 
 office-holder to the public treasury. 
 
 THE Democrats met on Saturday evening and appointed 
 delegates to a State Convention, "with power to fill 
 vacancies m their own body." Pity they couldn't have the 
 power to fill vacancies, in their own heads. 
 
 ITfE think the reduction of the mail facilities has gone 
 »» quite far enough. We are informed that the mail 
 lately passed through one of our western towns m a stock- 
 ing carried upop the back of g bull-dog. 
 
20 PEENTICEANA. 
 
 THE Hon. Mr, H. says there are some little errors in the 
 ^ Post-office which he cannot approve. But why cannot 
 lie approve of the little ones as Avell as the great ones ? Is 
 he like the giant who used to feed on wind-mills and hedge- 
 fences, but unluckily got choked at last with a lump of 
 butter ? 
 
 PLACE confers no dignity upon such a man as the new 
 Missouri senator. Like a balloon, the higher he rises 
 the smaller he looks. 
 
 THE editor of the calls the bank " an old harlot.'* 
 At any rate, she is not indiscriminate in the bestowal 
 of her favors. Jlis tender advances were recently rejected. 
 
 rpHE fact that a man's word is at a discount is no iudica- 
 J- tion that his note will be discounted in bank. 
 
 rpHE "American Agriculturist" speaks of a species of 
 J- pigs with square snouts. A learned goat can add, sub- 
 tract and midtiply, but these pigs can give an illustration 
 of the square root. 
 
 rpHE editor of the says that our mouth is 
 
 ^ dirty. If his is so, 'tis not for the want oi frequent 
 
 rinsi7igs. 
 
 — > » > 
 
 THE editor of the " Hemisphere " says there is 
 reason in all things. His own skull is certainly an ex- 
 ception. 
 
 — •-•-• 
 
 n^IIE editor of the is opposed to the elec- 
 
 J- tion of Judge White. Nobody ever thinks of that 
 editor as a White man. He never behaves like one. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 21 
 
 THE administration's Philadelphia organ suggests the ex- 
 pediency of conferiing banking privileges upon manu- 
 facturing establishments. This is the newest and brightest 
 form of Democracy. What a glorious currency we shall 
 have when all our cotton and woollen factories, grist mills, 
 tanneries, rope-walks, and blacksmith-shops, shall become 
 l)anks of issue. 
 
 irilE Postmaster-General tries to arrange the machinery 
 1 of the post-office so as to withhold from the people all 
 intelligence that might endanger the interests of his party. 
 He is, in one sense, though only one, a "Locke on the 
 Human Understanding." 
 
 " T HAVEX'T taken a drop of liquor for a year," said an 
 J- individual of questionable morals. " Indeed ! but 
 which of your features are we to believe — your lips or your 
 nose ?" 
 
 " T WILL lay you a wager," said one sportsman to an- 
 J- other, "that I will shoot more crows to-day than 
 you !" " Oh, yes, you could always beat me crowing.'''' 
 
 JOHN XEAL says that the eagle " has a contempt for all 
 other birds." The owl, however, is more contemptuous 
 still : he hoots at everything. 
 
 ^^ QUE isn't all that my fancy painted her," bitterly ex- 
 ^^ claimed a rejected -lover; "and, worse than that, she 
 isn't aU that she paints herself." 
 
 ¥HEN women begin to count their admirers, it isn't apt 
 to take them long to do it. 
 
22 P R E N T I C E A N A . 
 
 MR. SPEIGHT, of North Carolina, says that Mr. Clay is 
 -L-'J- not a great man. We wonder how many skulls like 
 Speight's could be filled with Henry Clay's brains. First 
 let it be ascertained how many quart measures could be 
 filled with the waters of Lake Erie. 
 
 -•«-< 
 
 TF the new Postmaster-General wishes to know what 
 J- our neighbor really thmks of him, let him take from 
 that paper the twine contract. He will then find, that 
 " The twine that's untwisted untwisteth the twist." 
 
 npHE " Merchant's Magazine " says that the business of 
 J- the merchants has not been very good during the last 
 year. Certainly a large number of them have done " a 
 smashing business,''^ 
 
 IVTEVER seek to be intrusted with your friend's secret, 
 ■^^ for no matter how faithfully you may keep it, you will 
 be liable, in a thousand contingencies, to the suspicion of 
 having betrayed it. 
 
 " TiOCTOR, what do you think is the cause of this fre- 
 -L' quent rush of blood to my head ?" " Oh, it is 
 nothing but an effort of nature. Nature, you know, 
 abhors a vacuum.''^ 
 
 A GREAT many men and women seem trying to estab- 
 lish their claims to the possession of genius by proving 
 their deplorable lack of common sense. 
 
 THE tw^o Democratic factions in Pennsylvania are having 
 a hard race. " The devil take the hindmost " — and the 
 foremost. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 
 
 AIIUXTER killed four wild-cats the other dav, upon the 
 bank of the Kentucky River, That's the only " wild- 
 cat bank " we have heard of in Kentucky. 
 
 THE editors in one of the small towns in Arkansas are 
 badly posted. They have been posting each other as 
 liars, villains and swindlers. 
 
 ¥ITH ladies of taste, you cannot hope to accomplish 
 much, unless you are yourself accomplished. 
 
 T 
 
 HE Yv'ashino'ton " Globe " asks whether any party that 
 acts from mere pohcy can long retain power. Certainly 
 it can if it acts fi-om a wise pohcy, and most especially if it 
 acts from the best of all pohcies — honesty. 
 
 A^VESTERX editor, not noted for brilHancy, says that 
 he " would rather put questions than respond to them." 
 He has probably read that fools may ask questions but that 
 it takes -wise men to answer them. 
 
 ^♦-♦■ 
 
 AKEXTUCKY editor thinks he is to be pitied because 
 he has been a " whole week without mail mtelligence." 
 Perhaps he is still more to be pitied for havmg been all his 
 life without intelUgence of any sort. 
 
 THE coat of a horse is the gift of nature. That of an ass 
 is often the work of a tailor. 
 
 H 
 
 E who reels and staggers most in the journey of life, 
 
 takes the straightest cut to the devil. 
 
2'i P R E N T I C E A N A . 
 
 APrVRTISAN" candidate in one of the northwestern 
 States says, that he expects soon to attend the tattered 
 garments of the opposite party to the tomb of oblivion. 
 Wq snppose he will think himself highly honored, walking 
 in procession to the funeral obsequies of a suit of old clothes. 
 
 A WESTERN judge recently complimented the people 
 of a county very highly, because upon his holding court 
 among them not a single indictment was brought before him. 
 It is to be hoped that the compliment w^as not due to the 
 grand jury, rather than to the people. 
 
 THE New Haven " Herald " says : " Does the editor of 
 the Louisville ' Journal ' suppose that he is a true Yan- 
 kee because he was born in New EnHand? If a dosr is 
 born in an oven, is he bread P''^ We can tell the editor that 
 there are very few dogs, whether born in an oven or out of 
 it, but are better bred than he is. 
 
 THE "Richmond Enquirer" says that Mr. Van Buren will 
 carefully guard those principles " upon which hang all 
 the law and the prophets." We guess his great principle 
 will be to trample on the law and pocket the profits. 
 
 MEN in all ages have been addicted to imitating those 
 above them ; in Alexander's reign every Greek carried 
 his head awry, and, in Richard the Third's time, every 
 Englishman " humped himself^ 
 
 THE " Boston Atlas " thinks that Mr. was just fit to 
 be General Jackson's bottle-holder. He wasn't fit for 
 that. He could never hold a bottle five minutes without 
 depredating upon its contents. 
 
PRENTICEAXA. 25 
 
 THE " Louisville Jonrnal " professes to think that Mr. Gaj can 
 be elected to the Presidencj. Is Brother Prentice a fool ? — 
 Westchester Herald. 
 
 Xo, but if the editor of the "Westchester Herald" is our 
 brother, we are next kin to one. 
 
 ATTPJTER in the " Globe," supposed to be A. K., says 
 that " the Whigs are riding the White hobby to 
 death." We should dislike to see his gaunt figure bestrid- 
 ing a White hobby. It would be Death on the white 
 
 horse. 
 
 . — •-©• — 
 
 4 X eastern paper gives an account of a child that Avas 
 j\. put in a pint tankard. That's nothing. Our neighbor, 
 at birth, was put in a tankard, which happened to be filled 
 with leer., but, instead of being drowned, he drank th^^ con- 
 tents at a single pull, and then shouted with a precocity 
 rather astonishing — "Give us another pot of your ale, 
 daddy." 
 
 "TTTE protest against having the words of the editor of the "Louis- 
 > V viiie Journal " put into our mouth. "That gentleman is very 
 unlike us in every respect. — Westchester Herald. 
 
 To be sure we are ; else we should be no " gentlen^an " 
 
 at all. __ 
 
 THE editor of the is addicted to everything mean 
 and villainous. He is restrained only by his cowardice. 
 If he has not robbed a hen-roost, it was because h<- was 
 afraid of the old rooster. 
 
 MR. Y., of the " Sentinel," compares us to a turkey. He 
 is more like that sort of fowl himself. A cock-turkey 
 cries "quit, quit, quit;" and that's just what V. cried tiia 
 other day when our friend F. was whipping him. 
 
 2 
 
26 PKENTICEANA. 
 
 A BOSTON" editor calls the young ladies in liis city beauti- 
 ful waves on the sea of existence. Probably they spend 
 all their time m dancinor. 
 
 AN eastern paper states that Daniel Webster and Senator 
 H., lately stopped one night at the same house. It 
 must have been a house of " entertainment for man and 
 
 beast." 
 
 — • • • 
 
 ¥E advise you, girls, when dashing young fellows make 
 love to you, never to believe that they really love you 
 imtil they conclusively prove it by committing suicide on 
 
 your account. 
 
 »-•-• 
 
 THE editor of the " Virginia Republican " says : " we are 
 honest in our support of Van Buren." In the next 
 paragraph he says : '* We flatter ourselves." Unquestion- 
 ably he does. 
 
 > ♦ > 
 
 A MAN that marries a widow is bound to give up smok- 
 ing and chewing. If she gives up her weeds for him, he 
 should give up the weed for her. 
 
 TWO cousins, named Crickett, were married last week in 
 Jefferson County. We are opj^osed to such cricket 
 
 matches. 
 
 »« • 
 
 WERE it not ungenerous to remind a man of his natural 
 infirmities, we should inform the editor of the " Grand 
 Gulf Advertiser " that he is a natural fool. 
 
 THE editor of the *' Sentinel " has had a " strike " in his 
 -■- oiEce. He deserved it, and it took him right between 
 the eyes. 
 
PRENTICEANA. Z< 
 
 A NOVELIST tells of two lovers who agreed to wave 
 their hands toward each other, ai a certain hour, across 
 the Atlantic ocean. One might suppose there would be 
 waves enough between them ^vithout their trying to make 
 
 any with their hands. 
 
 »♦ « 
 
 rpHE editor of the " Bangor Republican," referring to an 
 J- alleged coalition between the Whigs and Anti-Mason>, 
 asks when the Devil and Sin were married. Probably about 
 nine months before the editor of the " Republican" was born. 
 
 "R. WILLIAM HOOD was robbed near Corinth, Ala. 
 on the 13th inst. The Corinth paper says that the name 
 of the highwayman is unknown, but there is no doubt that 
 he was Robbin' Hood. 
 
 - — •-*-•- 
 
 SOME publishers of periodicals publish on white paper, 
 some on blue, and some on yellow. A large portion of 
 the political papers should by all means be of a color that 
 wonH show dirt. 
 
 A WRITER in one of our medical reviews, says that if a 
 cow is diseased, the milk is necessarily diseased too. 
 We understand that the common treatment of diseased milk 
 
 is the water-cure. 
 
 •-•-• 
 
 "R. AMAZL^H STRIXG advertises in the " Georgia 
 Constitutionalist " that a young man has run off with 
 his two dauo-hters. That is outrao^eous. What's the use of 
 two Strings to one beau f 
 
 AN Illinois editor, speaking of one of the writers for the 
 " Journal," claims to be " able to endure most kinds of 
 people," but says " he can't bear a natural fool." Unfortu- 
 uatelv his " maternal ance«:tor" could. 
 
28 P K E N T I C E A N A . 
 
 A WRITER, who has just returned from China, says that 
 the most useful crop raised by the Chinese is peas. The 
 Celestials are a prudent people — they mind their peas and 
 cues. 
 
 AMR. BEXTLEY has been indicted in Alabama for 
 striking a stranger with an axe. He says that he didn't 
 know but that the stranger was a robber. He didn't know, 
 
 and so he axed him. 
 
 •-•-• 
 
 THE editor of the "Eastern Democrat" puts a dozen 
 saucy questions to us, and concludes with calling us a 
 " brandy barrel." If that's his opinion of us, 'tis no w^onder 
 
 he p«ryz»5 us. 
 
 *-•-• ■ 
 
 THE editor of the " ISTew Hampshire Patriot " calls a 
 female editor his " sister of the quill." His brothers and 
 sisters of the quill may occasionally be heard gabbling in the 
 
 creek. 
 
 •-•-• — • 
 
 MR. JOHN RIJBB, candidate for some petty office, pub- 
 lishes in a Mississippi paper that the Whigs are the 
 corruptest party in the world. " Thei^e lies the Buhh:^ 
 
 RHYMER sends us some of his verses, and describes 
 himself as six feet four inches high. In spite of his 
 height, he is no Longfellow. 
 
 THE question is discussed in some of the Missouri papers 
 whether raising hemp is a good business. A much bet- 
 ter business than being raised by it. 
 
 keep your friends, treat them kindly ; to kill them, treat 
 them often. 
 
PRENTICEAXA. 29 
 
 A PAPER calling itself literary and miscellaneous adver- 
 tises that it intends to swallow up everything around it 
 " like a great maelstrom." We have little doubt but that 
 it will prove a great " take in /" 
 
 MR. SEXTOX, of the " Xorth Carolina Times," says: "A 
 highly respectable clergyman from the eastern part of 
 the State informs us that Dudley is elected ; the knell of the 
 Democracy is sounded." So it seems that 
 
 " The parson told the Sexton, 
 And the Sexton tolled the bell." 
 
 AX editor says that he gives no heed to what we say — 
 that our words " go in at one ear and out of the other.'^' 
 We have no doubt of it. Things pass easily through a 
 
 vacuum. 
 
 •-•-• 
 
 ^^ T AM very much troubled, madam, with cold feet and 
 J- hands." " I should suppose, sir, that a young gentle- 
 man who has had so many raittens given him by the ladies, 
 might at least keep his hands warm !" 
 
 AYOUXG lady of Xew Orleans, who recently performed 
 a remarkable feat in rowing, has been presented with a 
 beautiful yawl. A smack would have been more appro- 
 priate. 
 
 •-•-• — 
 
 THE editor of the " Green River Union " intimates that 
 we take " a drop too much." When the hangman gives 
 him his due, nobody will think he has " a drop " too much. 
 
 THE editor of the "Globe" says that he "hopes to reach 
 the truth." He is laying out for himself a long journey. 
 He had better make his will before he starts. 
 
30 PRENTICKANA. 
 
 A "WRITER on domestic economy, in giving instructions 
 -^A- for keeping eggs fresh, says, *' lay with the small end 
 down." He does not specify whether this dii'ection is for 
 tlie hen or the housewife. 
 
 THE "Upper Canada Standard" records the seduction 
 and abduction of Miss Elvira Spoon by Henry Plate. 
 Old marvels are enacted anew — " the dish runs away with 
 
 the Spoon." 
 
 — « •"• — 
 
 rrHE editor of the " Paoli Patriot" talks about the Presi- 
 ^ dency rather oracularly, considering that he lives in the 
 wilderness. Does he suppose that the moderns, like the an- 
 cients, must receive their oracles from the woods ? 
 
 117E often receive Whig papers requesting an exchange 
 ' ' with us, and proposing to " pay the difference." We 
 can have no " difference " with our Whig brethren. 
 
 »»« 
 
 THERE is a member of the Arkansas Legislature whose 
 name is Buzzard. Let him subscribe for the " Louisville 
 Advertiser;" it will be a/east to him. 
 
 ONE of tlie Alabama editors, commonly called Bobby 
 Steele, asks us whether a Prentice is not the same thing 
 as an a^>prentice. Ko ; but Bobby is the same thing as 
 booby. 
 
 ME folks think that their personal importance fills a • 
 ^ large space in the public eye, when it is all in their own. 
 
 PERSOXS often insist on publishing their own lives, 
 whose lives are not worth c'ivino: — or taking. 
 
PRENTICE ANA. 31 
 
 THE " Winchester Virginian " says that we tell lies upon 
 the President and his cabinet. We do them no such 
 injustice. What is the use of lyi7ig about them, when the 
 peojole will not believe more than one half of the truth? 
 
 A TESTY editor wonders if we are not often frightened 
 by the ghost of murdered truth. We do not think he 
 is in any danger of such a fright. As he was never 
 able to see the truth itself, he will hardly be able to discern 
 its ghost. 
 
 ONE of the defenders of the Indiana representative claims 
 for him that he is " absent-minded." No doubt, he ex- 
 hibited a very remarkable instance of absence of mind when 
 he forgot his own name and signed that of another man to 
 a legal document. 
 
 MR. WISE has given Mr. H. of this State a most cruel 
 scourging in the House of Representatives. He pre- 
 tended all the while to be asleep. We guess he slept about 
 as quietly as a mouse in a cat's ear. 
 
 rrilERE are two sorts of cats. We doubt the truth of the 
 -"- common saying that one of them has nine lives, but many 
 a poor fellow's back can attest that the other has nine tails. 
 
 AMR. HALL, of Loudon County, Ya., has been indicted 
 for biting off the nose and part of the ear of Samuel 
 Cherry. He was wrong to make " tioo bites of a cherry." 
 
 THE " Cincinnati Gazette " thinks that the meanest paper 
 in Ohio is the " Coshocton Horizon." W^e consider the 
 Hon. Taylor Webster's " Telegraph " " below the Horizon." 
 
22 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 rrilE *' Portland Argus " states that three AVhigs in that 
 -■- vicinity have gone over to the administration, and adds, 
 " Straws show which way the wind blows." All very ap- 
 propriate ; no doubt the converts are men of straw. 
 
 rilllE " Northern Mercury " says that its candidate for the 
 J- Presidency "has a dead majority of the people on his 
 side." We have no doubt that his majority is a " dead" 
 one. He may expect to be elected when the dead come 
 forth. 
 
 ri^IIE " Philadelphia Free Press " exclaims : " Contemplate 
 
 -^ the character of the administration !" Certainly we will 
 
 — but then 
 
 " How fearful 
 
 And dizzy 'tis, to cast one's eyes so low !" 
 
 A FELLOW in Ohio, who was taken up by the Demo- 
 crats, as a testifier against General Harrison, has 
 run away^ and nobody can catch him. Isn't he a sicift 
 
 witness f 
 
 »-»^« — 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC editor in Ohio says that he concedes 
 Licking County to the Whigs. We thank him, and, not 
 to be outdone in generosity, will give the Democrats a dozen 
 lickimis for that one. 
 
 ANEW Democratic paper in North Carolina is called the 
 " Rising Day." It ought rather to be called the Night, 
 for it is the shadow of the [ Washi7igto?i] Globe. 
 
 THE " Richmond Enquirer" calls us " a miserable calumni- 
 ator." He, on the contrary, is a first-rate one. Practice 
 makes perfect. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 33 
 
 THE " Argus" says that "Senator B. is always 
 determined to go to the bottom of every subject he dis- 
 cusses." Just now he is discussing the Mississippi River. 
 When will he s:o to the bottom of it ? 
 
 A MAX in Iowa had his nose bitten off the other day in ^ 
 an affray begun by himself. Of course he is in no 
 danger of being indicted for getting up the quarrel. Any 
 grand jury that may have to examine his case and face will 
 have to report " Ao hill found.'''' 
 
 THE "Missouri Gazette" charges that we "hate to meet 
 the truth." AYe never do meet it ; we and the truth 
 always travel in the same direction. 
 
 H 
 
 l]"R. JOHX LOVE, of Alabama, was recently lost dunng 
 --*J- a passage from Texas to Mexico. We had supposed 
 that no " Love " would ever be lost between those countries. 
 
 THE "Eastern Telegraph" boasts that two brothers 
 named Prince, have deserted the Whig ranks and joined 
 the Democrats. " Put not vour trust in Princes." 
 
 THE editor of the " Argus " professes to have 
 " taken the measure " of his party. Now let him go, 
 and bespeak its coffin. 
 
 A BEAUTIFUL young girl has just sent us a basket ot. 
 fruit, the very sight of which, she thinks, must make us 
 smack our lips. We thank her, and would greatly prefer 
 smackinrc hers. 
 
 2* 
 
84 PKENTICEANA. 
 
 TU^ learn from a New York paper that Senator , 
 
 '* while crossing the lake last week, came near being 
 drowned. 'Tis well that he did not find a grave of water. 
 His body could not have rested quietly in an element so un- 
 natural to it. A red-nosed ghost would have been seen 
 wandering perpetually in the pale moonlight. 
 
 APENNSYLYAISriA paper inquires why Judge II., of 
 Cincinnati, abandoned the Whig party? Because he 
 was appointed cashier of one of the administration's pet 
 banks. lie never would have left our party if he hadn't got 
 into a pet. 
 
 *-e-« 
 
 THE Hon. Mr. , of Indiana, exclaimed, in a late speech : 
 " I am always ready to fight for the working class ; they 
 are the bone and sinew of the country." What dog is not 
 ready to fight for a bo?ie f 
 
 IN" one of the strong Jackson counties of North Carolina, 
 the Democrats, in the late canvass, put Mr. J. Goe upon 
 their ticket. He was a popular man, but the result was no 
 Goe. ^^ 
 
 ^^ 4 ND so you have married a Mr. Penny," said n gentle- 
 -ljL man to a lady of his acquaintance. " No, 3Ir. Fence.'''' 
 " Ah, you have done better than I thought." 
 
 YOU may wish to get a wife without a failing ; but what 
 if the lady, after you find her, happens to be in want of 
 a husband of the same character ! 
 
 THE " Winchester Yirginian " says that " the administra- 
 tion has listened attentively to the expression of publio 
 sentiment." Like other listeners, it las heard no good of 
 itself 
 
PRENTICEAXA. 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC paper in Xorth Carolina says : " The 
 -^^ Whigs, during the last six months, have been gaining 
 some advantages, but the changes of the next six months 
 will be the other way." Does North Carolma, like the 
 North Pole, have six months day and six months night ? 
 
 OUR neighbor — — is still arguing against the credit 
 system. Let him try to get credit anywhere to the 
 amount of five dollars, and he will find that his arguments 
 are considered perfectly conclusive. 
 
 THEY say there is a man in North Carolina whose body 
 attracts silk at the distance of eighteen inches. "We are 
 told that the editor of the " North Kentuckian " attracts 
 hemp at tlie distance of fifty yards. 
 
 rrHE "Pennsylvania Democrat" asks, whether Senator 
 
 J- B. will ever receive justice at the hands of his opponents. 
 
 The senator himself might well reply — " I'll be hanged if I 
 
 do." 
 
 • » • 
 
 MR. BEAN, of Yazoo county. Miss., was robbed on the 
 highway. A footpad met him and said, " Your money 
 or yom' life." Bean shelled out. 
 
 AMR. DORR has declined a challenge in Missouri. He 
 says he will " fight under no circumstances." He is no 
 
 battle-door. 
 
 •-•-• — 
 
 "pROBABLY the reason why women's teeth decay sooner 
 •A. than men's is not the perpetual friction of their tongues 
 npon the pearl, but rather the intense sweetness of their 
 lips. 
 
86 PKENTICEANA. 
 
 OEXATOR X. says in his last speech—"! sliaU plant 
 ^ myself upon two grounds." We hope he will plant 
 himself so deep that there will be no danger of his coming 
 up. The crop would be worth nothing. 
 
 IF any lady chooses to be ill-natured toward us, we are 
 disposed to say to her in bold defiance of consequences, 
 Madam, you are " no gentleman." 
 
 '' TS it possible, miss, that you do not know the names of 
 jL some of your best friends ?" " Certainly — I don't 
 even know w^hat my own may be a year from now." 
 
 NY general can get an army trumped up in five minutes 
 —if he has a dozen trumpeters to puff and blow for 
 him. 
 
 THE " Advertiser" asks, when the Whigs will exhibit the 
 J- cloven foot. Just when we take the Democracy by the 
 shoulder and Jerk it out of its boots. 
 
 ^^ T DO wdsh, madam, you would pay a little attention to 
 J- me for a few minutes." " Most gladly sir, if you will 
 only promise to stop paying attention to me." 
 
 MR. J. S. FALL, a Mississippi editor, asks when we shall 
 get wise. Undoubtedly before Mill if ever. 
 
 T 
 
 rpiIE " Georgia Constitutionalist " says, that " the snow- 
 -L white plume of the Democratic party will wave amid 
 the battle." We have no doubt that the parly will shoio 
 the white feather. 
 
 i 
 
P E E X T I C E A X A . ^'^ 
 
 c i 
 
 WE have received a furious letter from Thomas Pott 
 of Mississippi. He threatens our life. There is evi- 
 dently " death in the Po^." 
 
 MR. DAY of Colchester has brought an action against his 
 neio^hbor for stealing^ his doi?. Xo doubt he thinks 
 that every dog should have his day, and every Day his dog. 
 
 M 
 
 R. S. W. PADD, advertises that he has lost his horse. 
 We hope he'll not have to turn foot-Pad. 
 
 THE editor of the " New Hampshire Patriot," says, that a 
 dog lately passed through his town " in a rabid state." 
 "We are afraid that all the Xew Hampshire dogs are in a 
 
 rabid State. 
 
 •-•-• 
 
 ^^ TT^ILL you have the kindness to hand me the butter 
 ' ' before you ?" said a gentleman politely at table to 
 an ancient maiden. " I am no waiter, sir." " Well, I think 
 you have been waiting a long time." 
 
 A 
 
 LOCO FOCO editor, says he has branded us. He 
 rather seems to have hrandied himself. 
 
 "j\ pi. HEXRY A. RHULE says, in a Mississippi paper, 
 -L-'-A- that he has "worked zealously for the administration." 
 Xow let him turn and work faithfully against it. 'Tis a 
 poor Rule that won't work both ways. 
 
 MR. WORD of Mississippi will, we think, get the seat in 
 Congress to which he has been fairly elected. The 
 House is a talking body, but Mississippi will probably be 
 
 able to thrust in a Word edgewise. 
 
3S PKENTICEANA. 
 
 AN impudent anonymous correspondent, signing himself 
 " Ned Bucket," expresses the wish that we were dead. 
 Very well — let him shoAV himself in person, and we pledge 
 ourselves to *' kick the JBucketP 
 
 THE persons who are supposed to have taken the most 
 interest in the late financial pressure were the money- 
 lenders. 
 
 MR. H. LYON, in a speech before the New York Legis- 
 lature, asserted that the Whigs are seeking the ruin of 
 the country. Mr. Lamb of the " Lansingburgh Gazette " 
 indorses the slander. Thus is the prophecy fulfilled — the 
 Lyon and the Lamb shall lie together. 
 
 THE editor of the " Enquirer " says that Gen. 
 Jackson is his friend ; but that truth is more his friend. 
 If truth is really the editor's friend, it literally obeys the 
 divine command — " love your enemies.^'* 
 
 YESTERDAY we heard an old fisherman upon the banks 
 of the river complmin, that the boys had stolen his min- 
 nows. We suppose the little rascals hooked the bait, to 
 bait their hooks. 
 
 SOME judges commit a great many crimes, yet very sel- 
 dom diversify the emj^loyment by committing crimi- 
 nals. 
 
 1T/"E have an old maiden acquaintance who sits twelve 
 ' ' hours in the day with a green parrot upon her shoul- 
 ders. We don't much like such Poll-hearers. 
 
P E E N T I C E A N A . 39 
 
 AN Illinois editor says, that his soul is harrowed. The 
 labor is thrown away. The soil is not worth cultivat- 
 ing. 
 
 LAST evening we chanced to see a pair of interesting 
 lovers kissing at an open lattice. Young people ! that 
 was very improper lattice-work. 
 
 AX author, ridiculing the idea of ghosts, asks, how a dead 
 man can get mto a locked room. Probably with a 
 
 skeleton-key. 
 
 •-•-• 
 
 ^^IITY dear wife, I Avish you would try to keep your 
 
 -J-'-L temper." " My dear husband, I wish you would try 
 
 to get rid of yours." 
 
 •-•-• 
 
 THE " Advertiser " says, that " the Democratic party is 
 in motion." So was Yulcan when Jupiter kicked him 
 
 out of heaven. 
 
 — »«-• 
 
 PIDGE H., recently appointed cashier of the Pet Bank at 
 Cincinnati, has gone over to the administration. He 
 adhered to the Whig party till he was cashiered. 
 
 IF a miscreant sets a stain upon your character, you can't 
 wash it away with his blood j the foul fluid would 
 pollute rather than purify. 
 
 AXEW YOPvK paper says, that Mr. Yan Buren " never 
 turned his back upon a friend ;" but it should have been 
 added that he never turned his face upon an enemy. 
 
 THE editor of wishes to run for Congress. The 
 only great run he ever made was the one for his life at 
 the battle of the Thames. 
 
40 
 
 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 "1 TAJ OR J. C. M., formerly of Kentucky, and now editor 
 -^'J- of a Democratic paper in Tennessee, says that he " can 
 show a clean pair of hands." We can testify to his once 
 having shown a clean pair of heels. 
 
 rpiIE aggregate weight of a late jury of twelve men in 
 -*- Indiana was stated to be 2,832 pounds. Just think of a 
 poor fellow's being tried by 2,832 pounds avoirdupois of 
 jury. It would seem litter that the jury itself should be 
 tried — by the tallow-chandler. 
 
 A CONTEMPORARY wants to know in what age 
 -^ women have been held in the highest esteem. "We 
 don't know. But certainly fishionable ladies iill a larger 
 space in the world now than they ever did before. 
 
 THE IN'ew York subterraneans have passed a resolution, 
 declaring that they will " never consent to have a sove- 
 reig?i.^^ No doubt they will keep their resolution ; they 
 will never have half that amount among them. 
 
 MR. FLINT, of the "Eastern Sentinel," is impudent. We 
 have half a mmd to become a " Skin-Flint " for once in 
 our lives. 
 
 THE " Newbern Sentinel " says that, in a late trial in one 
 of the interior counties of North Carolina, the jurors 
 were stowed away six days and nights, in a room six feet 
 by eigh.t. That was a " packed jury." 
 
 THE " Baltimore Patriot " asks what measures Senator 
 will go for. Rumor says that he pokes his nose into 
 measures calculated to destroy the constitution. 
 
P R E N T I C E A N A . 41 
 
 APOLITICAL editor says that "the national treasury 
 seems to be running away like a thing with legs." 
 One would think that it must have a good many legs from 
 the number of draicers upon it. 
 
 THERE is no music sweeter to our ears than the first 
 peeping of the frogs in the early spring-time. We 
 never listen to them without heartily wishing them a safe 
 deliverance from all mischievous boys and hungry French- 
 men. 
 
 — •-♦-• 
 
 IX Arkansas, a man stone-blind is said to have been 
 appointed to the bench. The fact that justice is blind is 
 hardly a good reason why her ministers should be so too. 
 
 A MAX in the interior of Kentucky has brought suit 
 -^»- against his neighbor for bruising his shins. If the jury 
 award damages, they should order the amount to be paid 
 in 8hin-plasters^ 
 
 THE " Xorthern Mercury " thinks that Kentucky is " but 
 a short distance this side of the bottomless pit." If Ken- 
 tucky is this side of the pit, the editor of the " Mercury " 
 may " go further and fare worse." 
 
 A COUPLE of Democrats in Cincinnati are having a vio- 
 lent contest for the Legislature, one of them coaxing 
 his party by the music of his fiddle, and the other treating 
 them liberally out of his snuflf-box. The result will go far 
 to settle the question whether Democrats are more easily 
 led bv the ears or the nose. 
 
 * A prevalent currency in the panic year of 1837. 
 
42 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 AYOU^Ct man in Alabama undertook for a wager to 
 leap down a bank fifteen feet high and killed himself in 
 the act. This was one way of '-'-jiunping to a conclusion?'* 
 
 APIITLADELPIIIA editor predicts that the two Demo- 
 cratic factions in that State " will be as loving as tur- 
 tles." JSnapping-turtles, we suppose. 
 
 ¥E presume it will not be denied that he is a bad agent, 
 who, instead of doing the business of his employer, 
 
 does Mm. 
 
 •-♦^« — • 
 
 THE editors of the [N'ew York have been indicted 
 for breaking open an important letter and purloining its 
 contents for publication. Their object was to obtain infor- 
 mation upon the subject of stocks; and they are in a fair 
 way to become as familiar with the stocks as they can possi- 
 bly desire. 
 
 rjlIIE " I^ew York Commercial " thinks, that at least two 
 -JL or three hundred postmasters ought to be put to cut- 
 ting stone in the penitentiary. A good many of them have 
 recently fled their country ; to keep from cutting stone, they 
 
 have " cut dirtP 
 
 — > » » 
 
 THE editor of the " East Hampton Courier " boasts that 
 " there are more Van Buren men in his county than you 
 can shake a stick at." Certainly there are not more than 
 ought to have sticks shaken at them. 
 
 ONE of the editors of the "Green River Union" is part 
 preacher, part steam-doctor, and part politician. How 
 do our Green River friends relish such a jumble of piety, 
 red-pepper, and politics ? 
 
PRENTICEANA. 43 
 
 THE "Xew Bedford Gazette," inquires whether the Post- 
 master General is deranged. We don't know ; cer- 
 tainly his department is. 
 
 FASHIOXABLE riding-habits are very pretty, but un- 
 fashionable walking habits are pretty, too, and a great 
 deal better for the health. 
 
 "TT^'E have received a Xorth Carolina paper, purporting to 
 'V he edited by "James White Ainsley Moore." Instead 
 of J. White A. Moore, he should have been christened J. 
 Black- A-Moor. 
 
 A REPORT was recently in circulation of the death of the 
 Secretary of State of Elinois. An Illinois paper says, 
 however, that he is " alive and kicking." Three or four 
 months ago he was in this city. We know that he was alive 
 then, and one of our Democratic lawyers knows that he was 
 " kickmor." 
 
 *-«-• 
 
 A COUPLE of old maids the other day sent a bache- 
 lor a bouquet of tansy and wormwood. He thought the 
 gift considerably sweeter than the givers. 
 
 IF philanthropy is properly defined to be a love of mankind, 
 most women have an imequi vocal title to be considered 
 
 philanthropists. 
 
 •-•-• 
 
 A WESTERN editor talks of giving in one of his columns 
 the fibs of his neighbor. We presume that the other 
 twenty-three columns are to be filled with his own. 
 
 ^ 
 
 7HEX a man has no design but to speak plain truth, lie 
 isn't apt to be talkative. 
 
44 PEENTICEANA. 
 
 TT is an undenialjle truth that the Africans, let them go to 
 i whatever part of the world they may, retain more une- 
 quivocally than any other .people the odor of nationality . 
 
 ■ — •-•-• 
 
 BUFFALO paper tells us that Gen. Jackson fills 
 the measure of his country's glory, and asks what 
 Mr. Van Buren has done. Filled the measure of his pockets. 
 
 A 
 
 BILL JOHNSON, of the " Times," says that 
 Gen. Harrison's private character is not reputable. 
 That's a lie-Bill. 
 
 THE editor of the " Democrat" says that he 
 doesn't know us, and never expects to meet us on this 
 side of the grave. We shall think ourselves m particularly 
 bad luck if we meet him on the other side. 
 
 A FRIEND of ours, who has been hesitating whether to 
 keep a matrimonial engagement, informs us that he has 
 at last bespoken his wedding suit. He evidently, on the 
 whole, prefers a suit for the fulfillment of his promise to a 
 suit for breach of it. 
 
 ¥IIEN we hear men boast of their own talents, we incline 
 to think that their talents should be reckoned as the 
 East Indians reckon rupees — by the lacJc. 
 
 A MILITIA officer in Texas boasts, through the papers, 
 that his men " would rally at the tapping of the drum." 
 Perhaps they would rally more promptly at the tapping of 
 a kes:. 
 
 THE " Missiskowan Standard" threatens to put our ears in 
 peril. Don't, Mrs. Kowan. 
 
PRENTICEANA, 4.5 
 
 '^ TirELL, George," asked a friend of a young lawyer, 
 \V "how do you like your profession?" "Alas, sir, my 
 profession is much better than my practice." 
 
 THE editor of the "Advertiser" says, in kis new prospec- 
 tus, that he means to have nothing more to say to us or 
 about us. Well, if he is resolved to play dummy, we shall 
 not again put him to the torture ; we cannot be cruel to 
 
 dumb creatui'es. 
 
 •-•-• 
 
 A MAX in battle is not allowed to whistle to keep his 
 courage up, and the whistling of the bullets doesn't have 
 that tendency. 
 
 THE Great Author of All made everything out of nothing, 
 but many a human author makes nothing out of every- 
 thing. 
 
 ¥E are often told to imitate nature. Still we should not 
 imitate her too literally. We needn't dress in green 
 velvet through the summer, because she does. 
 
 TWO classes of people are always out of debt — those who 
 never want to buy what they haven't money m hand to 
 pay for, and those who are such notorious rascals that they 
 
 can't get trusted. 
 
 — •-•-• 
 
 1]sr Indiana, the other day, a brute of a man kicked his 
 wife. The indignant neighbors assembled, and made a 
 jackass kick him. The wife was kicked by the much baser 
 beast of the two. 
 
 • • • 
 
 TENNESSEE editor says of the banks in that State 
 A that their sands are running fast. We hope he means 
 the sand-banks. 
 
46 PRENTICEANA 
 
 I 
 
 T is a bad tiling to be over-wifed. Better have no ap- 
 i:)oiutment than get a place under petticoat government. 
 
 A POLITE editor over the river proposes " to direct the 
 Whigs on their road to perdition." He is just fit for a 
 guide-post upon that road. 
 
 THE editor of the " Advertiser " says that he was the first 
 to apply to Gen. Harrison the title of the "Hero of Tip- 
 pecanoe," and that he applied it ironically. The title of the 
 Lion-Hearted was first given to King Richard by his own 
 harlequin, yet it was worn most proudly. Though given by 
 a fool, it was borne by a hero. 
 
 AN ill-natured correspondent of a neighboring paper says 
 we have no shame. True, we have none, and he has 
 none — he, because he has lost his sense of shame; and we, 
 because we do nothing to be ashamed of. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN in a neighboring town set his dog the 
 other day upon an intruder, and advertised the latter 
 tlie next morning. It is hard to say whether his dog or his 
 advertisement is the most biting. 
 
 IT is, perhaps, a debateable question, whether a person who 
 has always been notoriously in the habit of lying, has a 
 right to tell the truth. It is, of course, the only device by 
 which he can deceive people. 
 
 A DULL and voluminous European author has published 
 what he calls "A Tale of the Great Plague." To our 
 mind all the tales of that author are tales of a great plague. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 47 
 
 SHAKSPEARE has written that " Uneasy lies the head 
 that wears a crown." Many a poor fellow, that has sur- 
 vived a scalping by the savages, has, no doubt, thought that 
 uueasier lies the head that doesn't wear a crown. 
 
 AX Enghsh paper says that hides are exceedingly scarce 
 in Great Britain. We smcerely hope that our British 
 friends have one a piece, though that's more than some of 
 
 them deserve. 
 
 ♦-•-• — 
 
 THE " Detroit Gazette " says that the administration will 
 make everythmg go on very melodiously at Washington 
 as soon as they get the right pitch. They never will get the 
 right pitch until the people pitch them into the Potomac. 
 
 F\. AXD MPvS. BPvEWEPv, of Wa}Tie County, have 
 twenty-two children. Theu-s is, perhaps, the most ex- 
 tensive brewery in the West. 
 
 '^ T MEAN to abandon my habits of life," said a dissipated 
 J- gentleman. "Are you sure, sir, that they are not 
 abandoned enough already ?" 
 
 AMISSOUPJ editor says that a sportsman recently shot 
 in that State " a bird with four legs." We guess that 
 it was a canard. 
 
 - f 
 
 ^' riAN'T we make yourlover jealous, miss?" " Oh, yes, 
 ^ sir, I thuik we can, if we put our heads together P 
 
 TirE know a modest tailor who institutes more suits than 
 ' ' any half dozen lawyers of our acquaintance. And hia 
 suits cover nakedness, while theirs expose it. 
 
48 P R E N T I E A N A . 
 
 ii ITiTIIAT do you think of Bub ?" said a doting mother, 
 VV presenting her bad brat to a friend. " I think he is 
 a silly-bub, and ought to be a whipped silly-bub." 
 
 •-•-• 
 
 THE " Advertiser" says that "the sword has been 
 married to the purse." True, but he has had the misfor- 
 tune to lose his wife.* 
 
 THE editor of the " Constitutionalist" claims that his path 
 "lies in a straight line." Certainly it doesn't ; but if he 
 pursue it much longer, it may brmg him to a straight line 
 
 THE " Trenton Emporium " says, that the people would 
 be perfectly satisfied with the administration, were it not 
 for the Whig presses and Whig Members of Congress. No 
 doubt the administration might pass itself off as marvellously 
 pure, if there were nobody to expose its corruptions. " I'm 
 sure," exclaimed a slatternly old woman, " that my house 
 would be clean enough if it were not for the ugly sun which 
 is always showing the dirty corners." 
 
 SLANDERS issuing from red and beautiful lips, are 
 like foul and ugly spiders crawling from the blush- 
 ing heart of a rose. 
 
 THE "Vermont Statesman" asks why we do not tickle 
 the Democratic editors occasionally with the feather-end 
 of our quill, instead of running them through and through 
 with the point of it. We can give as good a reason as the 
 sailor gave for stabbing with his sword a cross mastiff that 
 had tried to bite him. " Why did you not strike him with the 
 hilt of your sword ?" inquired the owner of the mastiff. "So 
 1 would, if the beast had run at me with his tail." 
 
 • At this time, all the deposit banks of the governraent were brokea. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 49 
 
 THE " Baltimore Republican" says that " Col. is 
 always cool in the midst of danger." Probably he gets 
 an ague. 
 
 rrPIE editor of the *' Democrat " says that if the wounds 
 J- he has given us smart much, he will "try to cure them 
 by future lickings." "Well, the smart of a sore is assuaged 
 by the licking of a dog. 
 
 THE editor of a Pennsylvania paper says that he once saw 
 stripes publicly inflicted upon a man in Rhode Island for 
 petty larceny. We wonder if he didn't /ee^ them too? 
 
 WHEN all around us is drear and dark, the hidden 
 glories of heaven may be caught in a tear trembling 
 ^pon the eyelid and pictured vividly and beautifully upon 
 the soul. 
 
 SOME dogs are kept about houses simply to give the alarm 
 at the approach of burglars. Like certain spice-trees, 
 they are valued only for their bark. 
 
 THE "Beaver Argus" records the marriage of John 
 Coburn, only three feet high. Xo wonder he wanted 
 to get sjyliced. 
 
 THE "Philadelphia Enquirer" says that Mr. B., vrho 
 boasted that he was the President's " collar dog," lias 
 been upset in his race for Congress by Mr. Pitcher. Xo, 
 the dog has upset the Pitcher this time. 
 
 THE "Vermont Statesman" says that Democracy has 
 nothing to hope for in this world — that it "must look to 
 heaven." It " smells to heaven " already. 
 
 a 
 
50 PKEXTICEANA. 
 
 I>IIODE ISLAND has declined to reelect Diitee J. 
 ■^ Pearce to Confiress. She has discharged he: Dutee. 
 
 THE " Richmond Enquirer" says that "it is time for the 
 people to open their mouths." But if the present policy 
 of the administration be continued, will the people have 
 anything to put in their mouths after they are open ? 
 
 THE editor of the " Sentinel" oifers us the 
 pipe of peace. He must excuse us ; we never smoke. 
 He proposes to extend his hand to all his political oppo- 
 nents. We shall be glad to have him extend it to us pro- 
 vided it contain the little sum which he owed us when he 
 ran away from our office. 
 
 THE "Globe" says that " ficts are stubborn things." 
 Yes, anrl so are jackasses ; hence the "Washington edi- 
 tor and his facts are alike stubborn. 
 
 AMISSISSH'PI editor threatens to "put a full stop" 
 over each of our eyes. Let him try it ; while he is 
 putting his full stops over our eyes, we shall put his nose in 
 a parenthesis. 
 
 THE " Globe " says that " Mr. Clay is a sharp politician." 
 No doubt of it, but the editor of the " Globe " is a 
 
 sharper. 
 
 — •-•-• 
 
 4 CORICESPONDENT of a Cincinnati paper says that 
 -^^ he lately put himself under the care of a doctor, and in 
 less than one week was " altogether another inanP We 
 don't know but that we have several acquamtances, who 
 would do well to patronize that doctor. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 61 
 
 ¥E once bad a female correspondent who A^n'ote : " When 
 two hearts are surcharged ^^th love's electricity, a kiss 
 is the burnmg contact, the wild leaping flame, of love's 
 enthusiasm." This is certamly very pretty, but a flash of 
 electricity is altogether too brief to give a correct idea of 
 a truly delicious kiss. We agree with Byron thiit the 
 " strength " of a kiss is generally "measured by its length." 
 Still there should be a limit, and we really think that Mrs. 
 Brooming, strong-minded woman though she is, transcends 
 all reasonable limits in her notion of a kiss's duration. Why, 
 she talks, in her " Aurora Leigh," of a kiss — 
 
 " As long and silent as the ecstatic night." 
 
 That indeed must be " linked sweetness " altogether too 
 " lone: drawn out." 
 
 ACOXTEMPORARY exclaims in an exceedingly elo- 
 quent piece of writing, " If the dead could speak to us 
 from their graves, what would they say?" We guess they 
 would say, " Let us out.'''' 
 
 1T7E know some men, who, when they are perplexed in 
 H argument, get out just as poor debtors sometimes get 
 out of jail — they swear out. 
 
 MEX who boast loudly that they show no quarters are 
 nearly certain, in times of danger, to show none but 
 their hind ones. 
 
 > o • 
 
 THE " Winchester Virginian " predicts, that, if Mr. Clay 
 go again into the Senate, he will encounter a storm of 
 opposition. Let the storm come. It will but develop the 
 energies of the country's master-mind. 
 
 " The storms that s'W'eep the mountain side 
 Will lay the rich mine bare." 
 
.^.Q 
 
 PKENTICEANA. 
 
 ¥E were considerably amused by an account that we 
 lately saw of a remarkable duel. There were six men 
 uj^on the ground and six misses. 
 
 THE " Albany Argiis " says that the vote of Albany 
 county shows that Mr. Van Buren is admired at home. 
 All sensible men admire him infinitely more at home than 
 they do at Washington in the public service. 
 
 R.JOSEPH SEGAR, candidate for the Legislature, 
 -L^-L attempted to pass himself off as a Whig, but the peo- 
 ple have smoked him. 
 
 •-o-» 
 
 rrilE editor of the '* Southern Argus" says that he doesn't 
 -^ like to hear puppies barkmg at him when he speaks. 
 He's right ; one at a time. 
 
 -♦♦-^ 
 
 A CORRESPONDl^^T of the "Southern Argus" raen- 
 -^ tions as a remarkable circumstance, that he lately tra- 
 velled a hundred miles wdth a Whig editor w^ithout having 
 his pocket picked. He is careful not to say w^hether the 
 editor made a similar escape. 
 
 THE "Alabama Journal" says that "Mr. Fox, of the 
 House of Representatives, is full of fire." Fox-fire, w^e 
 
 presume. 
 
 rpHE editor of the new Van Buren paper at New Albany 
 J- may have been bred to politics, as he says he has, but 
 politics will never be bread to him. 
 
 NAT LOOMIS, of the " Southern Argus," may abuse us 
 as much as he pleases. We war not with gnats. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 63 
 
 A BALTIMORE paper says that our representative at the 
 last dates was " tearinor the hau* from the head of the 
 administration." We know his mode of doins: such thins^s, 
 and have no doubt that he will soon leave the administra- 
 tion without any hair apparent. 
 
 A MEMBER of the Virginia Legislature compares Sena- 
 tor to Jason, the leader of the ancient Argo- 
 nauts, who bore off the golden fleece. We do not exactly 
 see the force of the comparison. Did the senator ever 
 
 steal a sheep ? 
 
 •-*-» 
 
 A SWEET girl is a sort of divinity, to whom even the 
 Scriptures themselves do not forbid us to render " lip- 
 Bei*vice." 
 
 » * 
 
 ¥E received a note yesterday from the " old maids of 
 Shelby " requesting that they may be invited to the 
 bachelors' ball in this city. We guess the dear old things 
 are begging the question. 
 
 THE " Vermont Statesman " asks how it happened that 
 Mr. , was not hung long ago. He is naturally a 
 
 " scape-gallows." 
 
 • • • 
 
 THE editor of the " Plaindealer " abuses the President. 
 He calls him " a man with a single principle." No 
 wonder the two cannot agree — the one being a man with 
 a single principle, and the other without. 
 
 THE editor of the "Gallatin Union" calls our .Journal 
 "wrapping-paper." He himself knows, from the sores 
 on his head, that it is the best ra/)/)i;i5r.paper in the country. 
 
54 PRENTIOEANA. 
 
 rpiE " Buffalo Whig " says that " the office-holders pre- 
 -*- scribe gold as a cure for all the distresses of the country." 
 If so, they are queer physicians. They present the singular 
 spectacle of a set of doctors stealing the medicine of their 
 patients. 
 
 THE " Hartford Times " says that " nothing but the ghost 
 of the Whig party is to be seen in Connecticut." We 
 supposed that a ghost had been seen in that State. The 
 lights there, as is said to be always the case in a ghost's 
 presence, are getting to " bur7i blueJ^ 
 
 THE "Winchester Virginian" thinks that R. M. W. 
 " ought to be looked up to." Then let him be hanged, 
 and thousands will look up to him. 
 
 IK some parts of the country the ladies, it is said, have 
 discarded short dresses, and are going to the opposite 
 extreme. Their dresses are long and getting continually 
 longer. If the reaction goes much further, the ladies will 
 look as if designed, like locomotives, simply to drag trai7is, 
 
 4 WRITER in the " Railroad Magazine " says that " no 
 ■^ macadamized road is fit for use till firmly cemented by 
 continued travel." " Och," said a son of Erin, " I shall never 
 be able to put these boots on, till I have worn them a week." 
 
 »«• — 
 
 AN editor who thinks himself very smart, says in his 
 columns, that he never le7ids himself to party hacks. 
 We presume he prefers selling. 
 
 AL]MOST every political editor assures his readers that his 
 aim is to cultivate friendly relations with his contera* 
 poraries. If that is his " aim," he is a bad marksman. 
 
PEENTICEANA. 55 
 
 AN English writer says, in his advice to young married 
 women, *' that their mother Eve married a gardener." 
 It might be added that the gardener, in consequence of his 
 match, lost his situation. 
 
 ¥E see that som.e of the telegraph lines are getting up a 
 competition in prices. If they undertake to maka the 
 lightning work too cheap, it may strike. 
 
 THE "Eastern Argus" says that the administration "goes 
 on swimmingly." It has tumbled overboard, and must 
 go on " swimmingly," or not at aU. 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC postmaster in Indiana writes us an 
 insulting letter, but is careful to say in conclusion, that 
 he " writes as postmaster and not as an individual." All 
 right ; but if we horsewhip the postmaster, how will the 
 back of the individual feel ? 
 
 IF circmnstances alter cases, as the editor of the " Free 
 Trader " says they do, he ought to look for them to alter 
 him y he is certainly a case. 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC editor in Indiana threatens to handle 
 us " without gloves." We would certainly never think 
 of handling him without at least three pairs, and thick ones 
 
 at that. 
 
 • • • — 
 
 IT is said that Dr. , one of the Ohio representatives, 
 sets himself up at AYashington as the bully of his party. 
 We do not believe that the doctor is a very dangerous man, 
 though unquestionably a dangerous doctor. His cartj'idge- 
 box will never be half as fatal as his pill-box. 
 
56 PKENTICEANA. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN, a few weeks ago, threatened to clias- 
 -^- tise the editor of the " Southern Mercury." The editor 
 noticed the threat, and said that it was " all gammon.'* The 
 next day he was cowhided. That, w^e suppose, was hack- 
 gammon. 
 
 rrilE editor of tlie " Eastern Mercury " says that the Whig 
 -■- party " is losing strength." Inasmuch as his name is 
 Hardy, we can't better reply to him than by the old quo- 
 tation : " There is no fool like the fool-Hariy." 
 
 THE "Vermont Statesman." marvelling at our shouts over 
 the regeneration of New York, wants to know what we 
 ■will do when Mr. Clay is elected. We shall charge the 
 Mammoth Cave with powder to the very muzzle, and shake 
 earth and sky and ocean with the explosion. 
 
 THE " Courier " thinks that Mr. K. " wdll make a first- 
 rate devil in the next w^orld." Pie may, but he is a 
 poor devil in this. 
 
 4 COUPLE of robbers fell upon John Bush, of Baton 
 --^ Rouge, and robbed him of a shin-plaster of a Mississippi 
 railroad bank. That was taking the rag from the Bush. 
 
 THE New York " Evening Post " says that Col. B. " al- 
 ways holds his own." A great objection to him is that 
 he holds other people's. 
 
 rTHE editor of the " Free Trader " professes to be a great 
 -■- lover of " canvas-backs." His love for them is but a 
 modification of self-love. His back was thoroughly can- 
 vased a few months ago. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 6T 
 
 T may seem a little remarkable that, in these days, the 
 greater part of the white-washing is done with ink. 
 
 1^ iSTew York city, the common bats fly only at twilight. 
 Brick-bats fly at all hours. 
 
 
 AXK and a jail were broken in Tennessee last week 
 the former by outsiders, the latter by insiders. 
 
 THE Eastern papers state that Dr. D. " has killed his man." 
 Is the compliment meant for the doctor's pistol or his 
 saddle-bac^s ? 
 
 o 
 
 »-♦-• 
 
 APHILADELPHL4 member of Congress has robbed the 
 public treasury of seventy-six thousand dollars. He 
 has a fair claim upon his Democratic brethren to be called 
 a patriot of '76. 
 
 'R. COOLEY, editor of a new Democratic paper in 
 Xew York, complains that the Whigs threaten him 
 with personal violence. Our advice to Mr. Cooley can be 
 given in few words. If any political opponent chastise you 
 within an inch of your life, take it Cooley, 
 
 THE editor of the "Ky. and O. Journal" says we are "a 
 peddler of horn gun flints." "We guess he uses the 
 article that he charges us with peddling ; his gun always 
 
 misses fire. 
 
 •-•-• 
 
 THE " Pittsburgh Constellation " says, in an obituary 
 notice of an old lady, that " she bore her husband 
 twenty children and never gave him a cross word." She 
 must have obeyed the good old precept — " hear and for- 
 hear.'*'* 
 
 S* 
 
58 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 rpiIK Democratic presses have so often accused the banks 
 -^ of buying up Democrats, that many thousands of 
 Democrats are waiting for a bid. They are impatient. 
 Tliey feel like the j^oor old maids at the storming of a 
 Turkish city : 
 
 " "Who oft were heard to wonder 'raid the din 
 Wherefore the ravishing did not begin." 
 
 A WASHINGTON correspondent offers to send us a 
 lithographic likeness of the Postmaster General if we 
 will wear it. Really our correspondent must excuse us. 
 We cannot have the P. M. G. hanging from our neck : 
 
 " As to hanging, indeed, he may hang where he will, 
 But as for the neck, let it be by his own." 
 
 ANY observant person, who should look into our mint- 
 julip establishments in the hot days of summer, would 
 conclude that a great many of our people are men of 
 straw. 
 
 •^r* 
 
 ¥E must not judge who are the favorites of Providence 
 by observing where his greatest favors are bestow^ed. 
 Our Lord designated Judas as the traitor hy giving him 
 the sop. 
 
 •-e-* 
 
 THE editor of a little Locofoco paper in Indiana threatens 
 to " gore us." AYe see from the numerous pilferiugs in 
 his columns that he is great at hooking. 
 
 THE " Evening Post," speaking of Senator B., says : " Ilis 
 eye is brilliant and has more honesty m it than that of 
 Mr. Clay." Certainly if the two were to look each other' 
 in the face, Mr. B. would have more honesty in his eye than 
 Mr. Clay in his. 
 
I' E E N T I C E A N A . - 59 
 
 ACORRESPOXDEXT says, that, when Mr. Jenifer 
 retorted upon Dr. D- , the color flew from the face 
 
 of the Ohio representative. Of course the doctor can claim 
 to liave come off y^ith flying colors. 
 
 "TT/'E have lately read of several fashionable ladies on the 
 '' streets, who, upon the giving way of a part of the 
 machinery of their dresses, were frightened at the thought 
 that they were bitten by snakes. The reptiles were " Aoo/?- 
 saakes.'^'' 
 
 »-c « 
 
 ITfE see in various newspapers what purport to be " reme. 
 
 ' ' dies for smut in wheat." We should be very glad if 
 
 some practical -remedy could be devised for smut in the 
 
 newspapers themselves. 
 
 •♦* 
 
 Vd down upon only one knee to a young lady. If you 
 go down upon both, you may not be able to escape 
 quick enough in case of the sudden and unexpected appear- 
 ance of an enraged father. 
 
 THE last accotmts from Peru give some indications of ill- 
 feeling on her part toward us. We should, of course, 
 hate to have the Peruvians bite us, though we have no 
 objection to a little Peruvian hark. 
 
 MADEIRA wine, whilst being transported to this coun- 
 try, is always, however pure its owners may think it, 
 something between Madeira and Port. 
 
 IK the davs when rosjues and thieves were branded with 
 the letters R. and T., lettered men were more commou 
 than they are now. 
 
CO PRENTICEANA. 
 
 4 FRIEXD of ours says that it is his will to speak the 
 •^*- phiin truth, and nothing else about men and things. It 
 is our will too, and, what is better, our wont. 
 
 LORD COKE calls the law a " stately tree." It may 
 be a very nice tree, but it does have some wretchedly 
 
 poor limbs. 
 
 *-9-* 
 
 rrilE " Port Gibson Herald " wants to know " what the 
 -*- poor Indians will do when the buffiilos are extinct." In- 
 deed we can't tell. We are afraid they'll have to hear it. 
 
 TWO weeks ago a vagabond was convicted in Illinois, of 
 stealing two watches. He made a pathetic speech after 
 his conviction, ascribing his failure in business and all his 
 misfortunes in life to " procrastination." He seems to have 
 been the embodiment of procrastination, which, the poet 
 tells us, is " the thief of time.'*'' 
 
 ^^ VOU forget yourself," said a lady of our acquaintance 
 -A- to a rather impertinent gentleman. " Ah, well," added 
 she, after a pause of a few moments, " I suppose you are ex- 
 cusable for forgetting what is not worth remembering." 
 
 THERE are two classes of persons of whom it maybe truly 
 said that their word is as good as their bond — those 
 whose word is never broken, and those whose bond is good 
 
 for nothing. 
 
 •-♦-• 
 
 FT, HE Idler, the Lounger, the Spectator, the Rambler, 
 J- and the Tatler, are all classical works, but many a fel- 
 low is all those characters in one — and yet no stud<^n^ 
 at all. 
 
peenticea:xa. 61 
 
 RECEXT writer says that " the Bloomer costumo 
 
 is next to no dress at all." Undoubtedly all sorts of 
 dresses are the next tiling to nakedness. 
 
 THE editor of a paper now before us says that he meets a 
 -■- certain statement squarely. Men sometimes meet true 
 statements squarely by lying roundly. 
 
 rrilE " Westchester Herald " says " Dr. D., the Ohio repre- 
 -*- sentative, is either a knave or a fool — he must take one 
 horn of that dilemma." Probably he will prefer taking 
 both ; he always prefers two horns to one. 
 
 TTT. H. HOOE, a postmaster in Vermont, publishes that two 
 ' ^ hundred dollars of the public funds are missing from his 
 office, and asks, '''"who has got the money ?" Possibly echo 
 may answer — Uooe. 
 
 ■^TR. CLOWXY, of the " GreenvUle Banner," thinks that 
 -'-^ " Congress, in making its retrenchments, might very 
 appropriately make its sessions one month shorter." Per- 
 haps Mr. Clown-y might very appropriately make his name 
 
 one letter shorter. 
 
 » » » 
 
 THE " Alexandria Gazette " says that the government, by 
 its great outrages upon public opinion, has raised a storm 
 that will sweep its party away forever. We greatly doubt 
 its ability to raise a storm. It has been trying in vain to 
 raise the loind for the last six months. 
 
 THE House of Representatives insists on an appropriation 
 -L of four or five thousand dollars, for a water-spout in the 
 square of the capitol. 'Tis quite hard enough for the peo- 
 ple to have to pay for the " spouting " in the capitol itself. 
 
62 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 THE editor of the " Herald " was asked by some 
 of his friends to become a candidate for Congress, but he 
 declined running. If Chancellor Q. had gone to hhn with 
 tliat i-equest or with any other, he wouldn't have " declined 
 running?'* 
 
 rrilE editor of the " Journal " repeats his boast 
 
 -^ that if we do not let him alone, we shall " catch it." Wo 
 have no doubt that all who handle him will be sure to 
 " catch itP 
 
 AGEXTLEMA^N" advertises in a Washington paper " A 
 silver cup lost." Let Dr. L. be searched. He generally 
 has *' a cup too much." 
 
 MR. JAMES STONE, of Mississippi, denounces his own 
 party for disfranchising that State. The Locofoco out- 
 rages " make the very Stones cry out." 
 
 THE Democratic papers of Npw Jersey are trying to jus- 
 tify Senator Wall for his (disobedience of instructions. 
 Let them whitewash him as much as they please— he will 
 be only " a whited Wall." 
 
 IN reply to a remark of the " Baltimore Patriot " that the 
 Whigs have swept everything before them in Connecti- 
 cut, the " Pennsylvania Democrat " says that the Whigs 
 are " old women just fit to sweep." He might justly add 
 that the Locofocoes are dirt just fit to be swept. 
 
 TPIE " Free Press " says that " there is nothing profound 
 about the editor of the * Globe.' " Certainly his igno« 
 ranee ought to be excepted. 
 
P R E N T I C E A N A . 63 
 
 MR. BEER, a Democratic candidate for Governor in Con- 
 necticut, made immense exertions to secure his ovra 
 election. He worked seven days in the week. He violated 
 the good old statute of his State which forbade beer to 
 
 work on Sunday. 
 
 ►-•-• — 
 
 APETTH^OGGER in one of our southern towns got 
 into a quarrel, and was chastised by a la^vA'er named 
 Boyle ; he got into hot water and was Boyled. 
 
 A GEXTLEMAX, finding his whisky punch a little too 
 -^ hot, blew it with his breath to cool it. " Blowing your 
 own horn I see," said his comrade. 
 
 i ^TITERAX editor of Ohio says that every passing year 
 -^ sets a mark upon him. Of course he may be known by 
 
 his 2/ear-marks. 
 
 DR. D. B. in one of his late tirades, compares us to an 
 owl. The doctor may have a great antipathy to owls, 
 but he certainlv has none in the world to sicalloics. 
 
 rpHE editor of the "Pennsylvania Democrat" says that 
 J- editorial life affords him " many sweets." Unquestion- 
 ably he would like it more if it afforded him each morning 
 
 a st^ff dose of bitters. 
 
 — »-•-• 
 
 HE editor of the exclaims : " We say what we 
 
 like." So he does, and, for saying it, he has more than 
 onc^- got what he didn't like. 
 
 4 3ni. HOOKER has been appointed sub-treasurer of 
 
 A Burlington. His name does not distinguish him from 
 the rest of the sub-treasurers ; they're all hookers. 
 
Gl PEENTICEANA. 
 
 A BRITISH writer says that the gentle sorts of animala 
 are gradually becoming more ferocious, and the fero- 
 cious ones more gentle. Perhaps the time may come when 
 the gentle lion, at sight of the ferocious sheep, will run with 
 all his might — and inane. 
 
 — ♦♦• 
 
 rrilE editor of the " Democrat" oifers to bet 
 
 -"- us his " head against a tenpenny nail." We decline the 
 wager ; we'll not bet a hard currency against a soft one. 
 
 THE " Fredericksburg Arena " thinks that the administra- 
 tion, if it employ the pet banks again, will find them 
 " as docile as dray-horses." Unquestionably it has got them 
 
 iGcll broken. 
 
 •-»« — 
 
 THE editor of the " Globe " threatens to " make a sweep 
 next fall." We are glad to hear it. We have no doubt 
 of his making a first-rate sweep. We will employ him as 
 often as our chimney gets foul. 
 
 rrHE " Southern Mercury " says that Mr. P. O.Thomas 
 A " has received his commission as Postmaster." So there's 
 a post-ofiice gone to P. O. T. 
 
 THE " Georgia Constitutionalist " says that " Mr. Wright 
 is fully the equal of Mr. Webster in tearing av/ay from 
 a question the web of sophistry." Indeed he isn't; he is 
 very acute, but he can never make a web stir. 
 
 NEIGHBORING editor talks about the " troop " to 
 which he belongs. We did not know that he was " a 
 
 trooper,^' though we have heard that he often swears like 
 
 one. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 65 
 
 COXTEMPORARY threatens to make us see ourselves 
 by holding up a glass to our face. His great fault is 
 that he has held up too many glasses to his own. 
 
 A 
 
 OFTENTIMES at an election a political party rolls up its 
 sleeves to roll up a majority, and after the election shn- 
 ply rolls up its eyes. 
 
 THOSE who oftenest suffer from fullness of the stomach, 
 are o-enerally those who were never troubled with a fuU- 
 U' >ss either of the head or heart. 
 
 EXTIOX was recently made of the hanging of two men 
 named Lace, in Georgia, for horse-stealing. The hang- 
 ing took place nowhere but in the newspapers — a mere 
 
 pa2yer-ha7iging. 
 
 • • • 
 
 UR neighbor of the " Advertiser " says he is " sorry for 
 the Whigs." He was always a sony fellow. 
 
 THE Pennsylvania postmaster, who was sent recently 
 to the penitentiary, had stolen money from letters and 
 then burned the letters themselves. That's the Locofoco 
 fashion of dispatching the mails. 
 
 A 
 
 X edition of ten thousand copies of the Postmaster Gen- 
 eral's portraits remain unsold in Washington City. 
 That ought to be some consolation to him. If he can't 
 boast of being unbought, his picture can. 
 
 rrilE " Ohio Eagle " abuses Mr. Bond's speech, and says 
 J- that the people ^\'ill set their seal upon him at the next 
 election. But will a Bond be any worse for bearing the 
 broad seal of the people ? 
 
Ct> P K E N T I C E ji N A . 
 
 rpiIE" Globe" tliinks that the condition of the country 
 -■- should accommodate itself to the jDolicy of the admin- 
 istration. That paper no doubt holds tliat a man should 
 be cut and clipped by his tailor to fit his breeches, instead 
 of having them cut to fit Mm. 
 
 rpIIE "Emporium " boasts that its party is " in the habit 
 -*- of using up rascals. A party, that makes such habitual 
 use of rascals must of course use some of them up. It can- 
 not expect its tools to wear forever. 
 
 A KULLIFYIXG editor says that the course of Mr. 
 -^ Clay "has been injurious even to the interests of his 
 own State." The leading interest of this State is the hemp- 
 growing interest, and there's no doubt that Mr. Clay 
 injured that when he interfered and saved the nullifiers 
 from the halter. 
 
 »~9^^ 
 
 AN old English writer says that one of the most deplor- 
 able wants in woman is the want of heart. The pre- 
 vailing want of a good many of our modern women seems 
 to be the want of hearts. 
 
 A WESTERN" writer recommends the smoking of cigars 
 for the reason that it keeps off mosquitoes. But why 
 should a man create an odor around himself that not eveu 
 a pestilent insect can live in ? 
 
 A 
 
 WASHINGTON correspondent says of Di P^ 
 
 that he is " fond of turmoil." Our own opinion is that 
 he is fond of still-water. 
 
 1 
 
 T should be remembered that a bare assertion is not 
 necessarily the naked truth. 
 
PKENTICEANA. 67 
 
 A FEW days ago we had the gratification of seeing a 
 little boy taken alive from under a sand-bank that had 
 t'illen on hira. His terror had not turned his hair white, 
 but he was decidedly sandy-haired. 
 
 '' liyHAT has been your business?" said a judge to a pri- 
 'V soner at the bar. " Why, your honor, I used to be 
 a dentist — now I am a pugilist ; then I put teeth in — now 
 I knock 'em out." 
 
 CRUEL men are the greatest lovers of mercy ; avari- 
 cious men of generosity ; and proud men of humility— 
 in everybody but themselves. 
 
 THE "Illinois Register" says that it has actually " seen 
 the banks shaving their own paper." We have seen a 
 more startluDg sight than that— we saw a bank dh-ector, the 
 other day, actually shaving himself. 
 
 Pt. SHERWOOD of Xew York advertises to pay " a 
 high price for leeches." Can't our President raise the 
 wind by selling to Dr. Sherwood a few thousand treasury 
 blood-suckers?' He can warrant them a prime article. 
 
 D 
 
 XEWBERX paper says that Mrs. Alice Day of that 
 city was lately delivered of four sturdy boys. We 
 know not what a Day may bring forth. 
 
 A 
 
 • • 
 
 rrnE " Globe " says that the administration party in Xorth 
 J- Carolina are confident of success next year. They 
 ouo-ht to be good judges of the events of next year, for they 
 have been knocked into the middle of it. 
 
68 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 ^yUE " ISTew York Post " compares senator W. to a flash 
 J- of liglitiiing. Why ? because his motions are zig-zag ? 
 
 THE "Massachusetts Spy" wants to know what the 
 Democrats will do when they have no longer a hook to 
 hang a hope on." Possibly they may look about for a hook 
 
 to hang a rope on. 
 
 — •-©-• — 
 
 THE editor of the " Pennsylvania Democrat " proposes to 
 us to " bury the hatchet." Oh certainly, but we must 
 bury him with it. 
 
 rpHE editor of the "Advertiser " should be more modest. 
 -*- Being in the employ of the government, he is of course 
 " the servant of the people ;" and, as we are one of the peo- 
 ple, he is of course our servant. We never allow our ser- 
 vants to put on airs in our presence. 
 
 THE editor of the "Troy Whig" says that he hardly 
 knows how to classify the Democratic postmasters. He 
 may as well arrange them in two classes, the ins and the 
 outs — those that are in the penitentiary and those that are 
 not. 
 
 rpHE editor of the " Ohio Democrat " says that he can 
 J- easily look through such men as Clay and Webster. 
 We doubt it. A jail-bird like him can hardly be expected 
 to look through the g?'eat, however much accustomed to 
 look through the grate. 
 
 THE Democratic editors are shouting over our victory in 
 New York. A Democratic editor shouts just as he gets 
 drunk ; vThen victorious, to heighten his joy, and when bea- 
 ten, to drovrn liis sorrow. 
 
PEENTICEANA. 69 
 
 rrHE editor of the " Monitor " intimates that he 
 
 -*- may turn AVhig if he can have the promise of being 
 made Secretary of Slate. We cannot promise him the 
 Secretaryship, but we can tell him an anecdote not vrholly 
 inapplicable to his case : In the course of a conversation, 
 upon the subject of human duty, between tlie Duke of 
 Buckingham and a lady who prided lierself upon chastity 
 and all the other Christian qualities, the Duke started this 
 question : " Madam, if you were offered ten millions of dol- 
 lars for the sacrifice of that peerless gem, your virtue, w-ould 
 you not, in view of all the good that you might do with 
 that vast amount of money in relieving human suffering 
 and promotmg the cause of the Christian religion, deem it 
 your duty to make the sacrifice ?" " Possibly under those 
 circumstances, I might thmk myself called on to make the 
 dreadful sacrifice," timidly responded the lady with down- 
 cast eyes. " Curse on my poverty !" exclaimed the Duke, 
 laying his hand familiarly upon her shoulder, " I have found 
 the prostitute, but how am I to raioC the ten millions ?" 
 
 A GRAVE correspondent, under the signature of " Plato," 
 complains that our remarks are "not generally of a suf- 
 ficiently serious cast." We have only to request " Plato " 
 to bear in mind the old proverb : " The most solemn of 
 birds is an owl, the most solemn of fishes an oyster, the 
 most solemn of beasts an ass, and the most solemn of men 
 
 an ass also." 
 
 » • > 
 
 THE editor of the says that " the Louisville girls 
 have eyes that would bore through any man's heart that 
 is not made of adamant." The old fellow^ means that they 
 have gimlet eyes. 
 
 THE editor of the calls us the most scurrilous 
 editor in the country. Unquestionably he ''^forgets 
 himself.'*^ 
 
70 PKENTIOEANA. 
 
 MR. LE7EL, of the " Eastern Advocate," says the thue 
 is at hand when " every kind of political iniquity will 
 be put down." We suppose that even the Devil will find 
 bis Level, 
 
 1 
 
 T is barely possible that public opinion does Mr. , 
 
 injustice ; but even his friends must admit, that, if nature 
 designed to mark the mitial of the w^ord " thief" upon his 
 person and his mind, she certainly " hit it to a T, 
 
 THE " Toronto Patriot " says that a young man of that 
 city, a drummer, is to run a match against time. A 
 drummer should be able to heat time. 
 
 W H. COTTOiSr, lately a violent Whig, has established 
 ' ' • a violent Democratic paper in Alabama. Can some 
 of the Alabama Democrats tell us the price of Cotton? 
 
 THE editor of the " Southern Democrat " asks whether 
 " punishment should not be administered to a blackguard 
 in the form of a cowhide over the shoulders." " I take it 
 sOy*^ he might himself reply. 
 
 rrilOSE who have most treasure have generally most 
 J- anxiety. The Colchian ram with the golden wool was, 
 no doubt, even though he had wmgs, in constant appre- 
 
 hension of being fleeced. 
 
 THE Natchez editor advises the friends of Mr. Clay to 
 '' keep their eyes skinned." They need not in return 
 advise him to keep his back skinned ; General Q. will attend 
 to that. 
 
PEENTICEANA. 71 
 
 THE " Milledgeville Journal" urges ex-GoAemor Troop's 
 election to the Presidency. We think the ex-gover- 
 nor's supporters will prove to be like the ex-governor him- 
 self — rather a small Troop. 
 
 ♦ ♦» 
 
 THE editor of the says that General Harrison " can 
 never touch bottom." That editor has reason to know 
 that a certain other prominent Whig recently did. 
 
 THE editor of the " Observer " calls General Harri- 
 son " a rather deserA^ig man." The general and the 
 editor are both deserving — the one of the Presidency, iho 
 other of the Penitentiary. 
 
 THE " Richmond Enquirer " says that its friends " have no 
 fear of xdtimate sicccessy They need have no fear of 
 success, for they are in no manner of danger of it. 
 
 DR. D made a speech last week at a Democratic 
 wine-frolic in Washington. His speech wasn't at all 
 happy^ but he was. 
 
 THE editor of the " Democrat" boasts that he 
 keeps nine tailors in his employ. In this case, at least, 
 the old adage proves untrue ; the nine tailors can't make a 
 man. 
 
 THE editor of the " Monitor " wishes us to send 
 him a thunder-cloud, that he may make a noise over the 
 victories of his party. We cannot lend him our clouds, but 
 we are perfectly Trilling to send him a big black cat. He 
 can get electricity enough from a cat's back to celebrate 
 all his victories for a twelvemonth to come. 
 
72 P R E N T I C E A N A . 
 
 THE " Southern Whig » says that " most of the leading 
 locofocos have their price." That can't be said any 
 longer of the New York Democrats ; their Price^ has just 
 run away. 
 
 MRS. KNIGHT, formerly of our theatre, is married to 
 Mr. Belt, of London ; she is n Belted Knight. 
 
 AMR. J. LEMON, of the N. C. Legislature, has aban- 
 doned the Whigs and joined the locofocos. That's all 
 right enough. If the locos think that they can recruit their 
 strength with Lemon-aid, they are -welcome to try the 
 
 experiment. 
 
 ^ • • » 
 
 THE editor of a new Democratic paper at Little Rock, 
 gives this reason for engaging in the political conflict : 
 
 " The aspect of the political horizon became portentous ; clouds 
 were gathering and unfurling their banner-folds upon the party 
 bri^zes; the muttering thunder and lurid flashes of the coming 
 storm, of dread conflict and elemental strife, came louder and more 
 vividly upon us. A battle must be fought and victory must perch 
 upon our standard. "We could not stand idle." 
 
 So the editor has actually buckled on his armor to go 
 out and fight a thunder-storm. He is a match for the Ken- 
 tuckian, whose afii'ighted wife awoke him one night in the 
 midst of a terrific tempest. "Husband! husband! an 
 earthquake is swallo^\^ng us up, or the day of judgment has 
 come— I don't know which." " By Gosh !" roared the 
 Kentuckian, jumping up and seizing his rifle ; " I'm ready 
 for eitner." 
 
 AN Ohio paper says that Dr. Asher talks of selling his 
 farm and emigrating. We presume he would now sell 
 the ground cheap. We know that he has frequently /a^^?i 
 on it. 
 
 • A Democratic Government defaulter. 
 
PRENTICEA^TA. 73 
 
 THE editor of the " P. L." boasts, that his single head 
 " keeps no less than fifty operatives in full employ- 
 ment:'' His case is a bad one ; the use of a fine comb 
 mi2fht not come aniiss. 
 
 T 
 
 HE editor of the " Free Trader " says he " should hko 
 to feel the heads of some of the Whig leaders." Proba- 
 bly he has a curiosity to know whether their heads and 
 
 their /ee^ feel alike. 
 
 > » > 
 
 A X editor who undertakes to prove everything by his 
 ^ own personal testimony, may certainly pass for an 
 I — witness. 
 
 ♦ » • 
 
 1 TR. H. LAW has established a paper at Jackson, and he 
 i»_L pledges himself that it shall always be truthful. If he 
 doesn't keep his promise, we hope he will find himself a 
 bankrupt Law. 
 
 A 
 
 N Arkansas editor says, " love me love my dog." Those 
 who love him certainly love a dog. 
 
 APOPLTLAR writer says that men, like children, are 
 " pleased with a rattle." Not if it is at the tail of a 
 snake. 
 
 APIOL^'S Avriter says " we can't expect to stay in this 
 world." But certainly the ladies stay in it. 
 
 » a ♦ ♦■ 
 
 liyilEX you see traders running to the brokers, look out 
 ' ' for breakers. 
 
 A POLITICAL opponent says that if we are not disposed 
 
 ^ to take his abuse, we can demand satisfaction. The 
 
 abuse itself is satisfaction to us. 
 
 4 
 
74 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 I.^VERY man ought to have a wife. If a man is happily 
 -^ married, his " rib " is worth all the other bones in his 
 body. 
 
 CUVIER describes a fish that is flat half the year, and 
 round the other half. It isn't like Dickens's new 
 periodical, " All the Year Round." 
 
 rpiIE editor of the " Star " says that he has never 
 
 J- murdered the truth. He never gets near enough to do 
 it any bodily harm. 
 
 rrHE " Emporium " boasts that its party is " in the 
 
 J- habit of using up rascals." A party that makes such 
 habitual use of rascals, must of course use some of them iq-). 
 It cannot expect its tools to wear forever. 
 
 JO. BERGEN has been appointed postmaster in Ala- 
 • bama. "We hope the government will not find him a 
 
 bad J. O. B. 
 
 — • « > 
 
 MR. VAN BURElSr is busily engaged at present in 
 " treading in the footsteps of Gen. Jackson^" but in 
 18-iO he will have to "make tracks on his own account." 
 
 THE editor of the " Cincinnati " says that when 
 next he uses a painter's brush made of pig's bristles, it 
 shall be to whitewash Louisville. If he wishes to use a brush 
 of pigs' bristles upon our city, he had better come down 
 
 and rub his back against her. 
 
 N editor in our neighborhood says that he always has 
 his proof ready for whatever he asserts. His proof is 
 generally fourth-proof. 
 
 A 
 
P K E N T I C E A N A . 75 
 
 IT is said that the Tartars invite a man to dimk by gently 
 pulling his ear. A good many of our people will " take 
 a pull " without waiting to have their ears pulled. 
 
 THERE are some men who will walk up to a cannon's 
 mouth, and some women who will walk up to a lover's 
 — without shrinking. 
 
 9-O-e 
 
 OUR old friend, James Random, must have a hard time 
 of it as an Iowa editor. Xearly all the editors of that 
 State shoot habitually at random. 
 
 '• rpHE fact is, John, since you have taken to drinking yon 
 
 -L are only half a man." " Oh, I suppose you mean I'm 
 
 a derni-John.'* 
 
 »-«-# — . 
 
 AN Arkansas paper says that many of the girls in that 
 State grow six feet high. They must be uncommonly 
 
 well cultivated. 
 
 — *♦« 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC editor says that Gen. has de- 
 clined many honors. We are not aware of his having 
 declined any except that of being an honest man and 
 patriot. He has not declined honors so much as he has 
 declined being honorable. 
 
 A WRITER in the "Globe" says, that Mr. Bond is 
 " stamped Avith the mark of Cain." That writer him- 
 self has been stamped first and last with the marks of a 
 dozen canes. 
 
 THE editor of the "Free Trader" says, that all who slan- 
 der him are careful to do it behind his back. Folks 
 must be very much afraid of him. We even hear that those 
 who kick and horsewhip him do it hehind his hack. 
 
76 P E E N T 1 C E A X A . 
 
 ¥E have frequently heard called " a small-beer 
 politician," but an Ohio paper, by, perhaps, a typo- 
 graphical error, calls him " a small hear politician." Pray, 
 Avhose J3ncin is he ? 
 
 rnilE editor of the " Statesman" says ^""more vil- 
 
 -L lainy is on footy We suppose the editor has lost his 
 horse. 
 
 THE locofocos have prosecuted the editor of the *' Somer- 
 set Whig " for a libel. They can effect nothing in that 
 ■vvay. If they rely upon voting, we can out-vote them, and, 
 if they go into law, we can oitt-laio them. 
 
 THE Tory editor of the " Indiana Democrat " advertises 
 that he Avill take bacon in payment of subscriptions. 
 He can hardly expect to get that article from any of his 
 tory subscribers ; they have not been able this season to 
 " save their bacon." 
 
 '^ A M I not a real rain heau^ my dear ?" said a fop, rush- 
 -^ ing up with an umbrella to a lady in a shower. 
 *' Don't make yourself so familiar, sir, or I shall have to be 
 a rei«-beau." 
 
 WHATEVER Midas touched was turned into gold. 
 In these days, touch a man with gold and he'll 
 turn into anything. 
 
 "IinilCH may be considered the faster man — ^he who is 
 VV running like a greyhound, or he who is stuck inextri- 
 cably in the mud ? 
 
 LABOR and Invention are brothers, ISTecessity being the 
 mother of both. So, if you are a child of Labor, Neces- 
 sity is your grandma. 
 
A 
 
 PEENTICEANA. 77 
 
 GREAT many political speeches are literally parricides. 
 They kill their fathers. 
 
 ¥ 
 
 HEX the health of a city is good, the undertaker has 
 " a beggarly account of empty hoxes." 
 
 A SHORT time ago, $4,500 of the public mo ley of Michi- 
 gan was stolen while in the custody of the governor. 
 A locofoco editor of that State, in an abusive article against 
 certain "Whigs, intimates that he knows who is the thief. 
 He may know, but if so, we presume he is the very last 
 person on earth that would be willing to tell his name. The 
 $4,500 was certainly bagged.^ 
 
 rpHE " Globe " says, that the locofocos will " die in the last 
 ^*- breach," and the " N. Y. Evening Post " says " that 
 they will die in the first breach." So it seems that they 
 expect to die in a pair of breeches. Some of them must 
 make an important addition to their wardrobe first. 
 
 DR. calls the editor of the " Cincinnati Republi- 
 can " " a drunken loafer." The doctor, it seems, is 
 actually lecturing on sobriety. We once heard of a big, 
 red-nosed fellow standing to his ears in a puncheon of 
 whisky and preaching temperance through the bung-hole. 
 
 rrilERE has been a great flood in all this section of countrv, 
 JL which has obstructed, in some instances, the progress of the 
 mails. — Trenton Emporium. 
 
 We have just received some mails from that section, but 
 their ancient appearance leaves no doubt that they com- 
 menced their journey before the flood. 
 
 *} The editor's name was Bag», 
 
FT 
 
 8 PKENTICBANA. 
 
 OCR devil, notwithstanding all our attempts to reform him, still 
 gets tipsy occasionally. — Democrat. 
 
 And you, yourself, we suj^pose, get as tipsy as " the 
 devil." 
 
 rrilE editor of the " Courier" says that he knows 
 
 -"- his o\\Ti mind. He may, and yet know next to nothing. 
 
 S0;ME of our Van Bnren friends complain of the administration 
 on the ground of its endeavoring hy its measures to deprive 
 them of a livelihood, and at the same time requiring them to be- 
 lieve the most monstrous political absurdities. — Charlottesville 
 Advocate, 
 
 That is to say, it gives them too little to eat, and too 
 much to swallow. 
 
 'ITT'E have received a new locofoco paper from Alabama, 
 H published by a Mr. " H. A. Ditto." We do not under- 
 take to say, that Mr. Ditto is a knave, but very many of his 
 party are knaves, and he is — Ditto. 
 
 OES not the editor of the " Louisville Journal " eat on tick and 
 drink on tick ? — Democrat, 
 
 N'o, but we do sometimes sleep on tick. 
 
 THE governor of Tennessee says that he shall not appoint 
 a day of Thanksgiving. That being the case, we think 
 the people will, by common consent, take for that purpose 
 the day of his retirement from office. 
 
 rpHE " Vermont Statesman " calls the office-holders " leaden 
 -L headed." 'Tis a pity some of the lead in their heads 
 were not transferred to the ends of their fingers. If their 
 heads are too heavy, their fingers are too light. 
 
rEENTICEAiTA. 79 
 
 ¥E have been disabled for some weeks past by an accident. 
 "Whilst using an axe on the 8d. ult., the weapon slipped and 
 struck our right foot, splitting it nearly in two. — Democrat. 
 
 So your foot is cloven — is it ? Well, you can now play 
 the devil better than ever. 
 
 THE editor of the " Argus" says that he would 
 " disdain to injure an ass's colt." Another proof that 
 even the stupidest of animals have an instinctive attach- 
 ment to thek offspring. 
 
 THE "Whigs would not hesitate for a moment to trample on the 
 banner of their country. — Flag of the Union. 
 
 We would not for the world trample on the star-spangled 
 banner, but, if we had our overshoes on and a scraper at 
 hand, we should not hesitate to tread on the " Flag of the 
 Union.^^ 
 
 FTIHE editor of the " Democrat " asks if we can tell 
 
 -^ him " anything about the Kentucky hemp-market." If 
 he will make our State a visit, we have no doubt that hemp 
 will be tight. 
 
 "R. A. H. HORX, of the "Southern Argus," makes 
 some unintelligible threats against us. His language 
 Bounds belligerent. Is he a powder-Horn ? 
 
 IT is a general remark that all classes of persons are ever 
 ready to give their opinions. The lawyers mu'^t be 
 excepted ; they sell theirs. 
 
 A NOTORIOUS political editor boasts that every number 
 of his paper " tells," Unquestionably it does, but not 
 the truth. 
 
80 PRENTIOEANA. 
 
 MR. FLAG, of Albany, has received his commission as 
 P. M. at tliat place. The Whig papers of Albany are 
 lashing him unmercifully. We never saw a flag with so 
 many stripes upon it before. 
 
 s 
 
 HALL we not make hay while the sun shines ? — Glohe. 
 
 Certainly. It is said that '^all flesh is grass ;" so cut your 
 throat and make hay of yourself. 
 
 MR. J. P. ROSE, an assistant postmaster in Vermont, 
 stole money from letters a few months ago and ran 
 away. Last week he was arrested in Flushing, New York. 
 The administration might say of its pet-Rose, in the woids 
 of the Coronach : 
 
 " The autumn winds rushing, 
 
 Take the leaves that are serest, 
 But our Jlower tvas injlushing^ 
 When bUshtins was nearest." 
 
 rrilE sun is a very bright body, but the gentle moon, when 
 
 -^ she steps in between him and the earth, takes the shine 
 
 out of him. 
 
 •-♦« — 
 
 SWINGING is said by the doctors to be a good exercise 
 for the health ; but many a poor wretch has come to his 
 death by it. 
 
 A 
 
 S a man drinks he generally grows reckless ; in his case, 
 the more drams the fewer scruples. 
 
 ABOUT Ihe only person that we ever heard of that 
 wasn't spoiled by being lionized, was a Jew named 
 Daniel. 
 
P R E N T I C E A N A . 81 
 
 THE Americans are followers of U3 in everything. — London 
 Age. 
 
 We must confess, that our soldiers followed yours in the 
 last war. 
 
 THE "Xew Hampshire Patriot" says that "the light of 
 day is upon the political prospects of the Democracy." 
 The light of " Day and Martin," we suppose. 
 
 THE editor of the "Louisville Journal," not long since, threatened 
 to annihilate the whole Democratic party, but instead of that 
 we find him expending his strength upon two or three individuals 
 of the party. — Southern Argus. 
 
 Ah, but our intention is to annihilate the whole party 
 piecemeal. We go upon the plan of the Yankee, who bet 
 that he could swallow an Irishman. Laying the Irishman 
 down upon the table, he commenced vifrorous operations 
 upon his big toe. " Oh the d — 1," roared Paddy, "you are 
 biting my toe off I" "Why you darned great fool," 
 retorted Jonathan, " did you think I icas going to swallow 
 you xcliole f 
 
 c »-« 
 
 HALL Harrison be President ? [Answered by spelling the name 
 backwards.] Ko sirrah, — Buffalo Eepu'blican. 
 
 If the locofocos mean to beat old Tippecanoe, they will 
 have to take the back-track in more things than their spell- 
 inn. 
 
 T 
 
 IIE editor of the " Truth Teller" says that he is " a can- 
 didate for nothing.'^'' We think he will be elected. 
 
 THE " Richmond Inquirer " says, that Mr. Clay is " some- 
 times brilliant, but very unequaL" He is certainly 
 unequalled. 
 
 4* 
 
82 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 4 AYKTTKR in one of our medical joiinials, mquires why 
 -^*- it is that women are more liable to take cold than men. 
 Indeed we don't know, but Dr. Hall says that the only way 
 to avoid taking cold under certain circumstances is to keep 
 the nwutJi sltut. 
 
 nilIE Troy "Mail" says that all the Democratic crows and 
 -A- ravens are cawing at General Harrison. The old hero 
 needn't mind them, their caws will not injure his cause. 
 
 ri'lIIE editor of the " Argus," whose acts of theft 
 
 J- we exposed the other day, is a member of the church. 
 We never think of his character without being reminded 
 of a mercantile firm in this city — Pkay &> Steel. 
 
 'XT/'E have received from Vermont a new locofoco paper, 
 M the "Reformer," edited by D. C. French. If Mr. 
 French cannot write better EiigUsh^ his patrons should 
 make him " walk jSjia^iish.^^ 
 
 THE Ohio " Republican " thinks it probable that Virginia 
 has been " seduced by the administration." If she has, 
 God grant her in due time a happy deliverance/ 
 
 ri"^rn" Cuba bloodhoiuuls do not know the English language. How 
 JL will they be able to understand the orders of the commanding 
 otlicers. — Fred. Citi;:in . 
 
 The commandino- officers must crive them their orders in 
 " dog-latin." 
 
 MR. ]M. said, in the Kentucky House of Representatives, 
 that he would "rather be Mr. Cilley in his grave than 
 Mr. Graves in Congress." "We are very glad that he has 
 sense enough to know that he is more fit to be dead than 
 alive. 
 
PEENTICEANA. 83 
 
 LET the Democrats march shoulder to shouhier, says a 
 locofoco paper ; " if we must be beaten, let us at least 
 meet our fate in the full discharije of our duty." *' Huo: 
 up to me, Peg," said Jonathan to his wife in a dreadful 
 thunderstorm j "let's die like men." 
 
 THE "Whigs of Jefferson have prepared thirty barrels of 
 hard cider for the sjreat barbecue at the mouth of Har- 
 rod's Creek. So the affair -will not be " all talk and no 
 
 cider." 
 
 »-♦-• — - 
 
 P 
 
 "^AY in what respect is hard cider an emblem of Gen. Harrison? 
 — Ghhe. 
 
 All we know is that it runs well. 
 
 A FATHER and son, Anthony and Thomas Screw, 
 escaped on the 25th ult., from the "Wetumpka jail. 
 There are two screws loose. 
 
 A MAX was arrested in this city on Saturday for uttering altered 
 notes. — St. Louis Organ. 
 
 "We are sorry, for our neighbor's sake, that this is con- 
 sidered a crime. Since the Ohio elections, he has been 
 uttering the most strangely altered notes we ever heard in 
 
 our lives. 
 
 •-•-• — • 
 
 BEFORE the late election, the editor of the " Indiana 
 Sonthiel" felt victory in his bones. He and his party 
 have since been awfully thrashed, and now they feel that in 
 their bones. 
 
 AK. says that " most people are pleased with a rattle.** 
 • Amos needn't flatter himself. " Most people " are not 
 pleased either with his rattle or his bite. 
 
84 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 OUR neighbor of the "Wliig" has at length got his small craft 
 tairly atioat, but he seems anxious to keep out of tlie reach of 
 our long gun. Let us get one fair shot at him, and the gentleman 
 will be sunk in five minutes. — Argus. 
 
 We certainly do not know of any living editor that can 
 
 sink the gentUman more readily than the editor of tho 
 
 " Arcfus." 
 
 o ^.^ 
 
 IT seems no more than right that men should seize time 
 by the forelock, for the rude old fellow, sooner or later, 
 jDulls all their hair out. 
 
 IT seems to "be strange that church edifices not unfre- 
 quently give way ; they generally contain more sleejyers 
 than any other sort of building. 
 
 MR. J. W. ANTHONY, of the " Southern Recorder," 
 threatens to bring his " good editorial rifle " to bear on 
 us. Sorry are we to be exposed to St. Antho7iy^sJire. 
 
 A LADY in Montreal, on the 1st, recovered $2,000 of a 
 Maj. Breckford for hugging and kissing her rather 
 roughly. She ought to set a high value on the money — she 
 got it by a tight squeeze, 
 
 THE editor of the "Charleston Courier" is particularly 
 happy and excoriating upon Col. B.'s egotism. He kills 
 him as hunters kill alligators— by hitting him in the " I." 
 
 rilHE "N. C. Sentinel" states a case in which a lady 
 1 obstinately refused to see her lover for several days, and 
 at length set a big dog on him. That lady and that gentle- 
 man were certainly congenial souls — the one was obstmate, 
 and the other dogged. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 85 
 
 THE editor of the " Democrat" says that the 
 
 J- readmg of the " Globe " is as good as a dinner to him. 
 A fello^v who reads the " Globe " for his dinner ought to be 
 put ill the stocks for his desert. 
 
 rrilE " I^ew Era " says, that the Xew York locofocos 
 
 J- will soon " show their hands." "We hope they v/ill 
 
 wash them first. 
 
 »--*-• 
 
 OUR neighbor of the "Advertiser" boasts that somebody 
 yesterday gave him a big beet. On the same mornhig, 
 a friend made us a present of a handsome riding-Mhip. 
 This is a capital arrangement — we sport switches, and our 
 neighbor gets beet. 
 
 rnilE editor of the " Democrat " abuses the notes 
 
 J- of one of the Mississippi banks, because they have " a 
 red exterior." 'Tis not the first time a red rag has thrown 
 a cock-turkey into a rage. 
 
 MR. CLAY is, no doubt, a great man, but he is too ambitions. — 
 Eastern Mercury. 
 ^'' Ambitions:^ True, he is ambitious — but of what ? 
 Ambitious of the discharge of his sublime duties — ambi- 
 tious of rendering his country the most glorious on earth — 
 ambitious of making human freedom co-extensive with the 
 human race — ambitious of placing his own great name, by 
 his lofty deeds of moral daring, the first among the sons of 
 light. Talk of ambition— what is it ?— 
 
 "•In God 'tis glory — and when men aspire, 
 ■\ 'Tis but a spark too much of heavenly fire." 
 
 OKE of our divines asks why Cain, who seems to have 
 offered his sacrifice in good faith, didn't obtain divino 
 approbation. Probably because he wasn't Abel. 
 
86 PEENTICEANA. 
 
 THE edifeor of the "Pa. Democrat," by way of retorting a 
 hit of ours, quotes on us a paragrapli from the *' Boston 
 Post." 'Tis by no means the first tune he has caught at a 
 " post " to keep himself from falling. 
 
 THE " Newtown Advocate " says that " the editor of the 
 ' Globe ' has much the appearance of a ghost." Look 
 at him with his long spoon in the treasury pap-bow4, and 
 you'll say he's a gohhlHn\ 
 
 A WHIG editor in Indiana thinks that our neighbor has 
 not improved much under our tuition. It may be so, 
 but we are not yet discouraged ; we trust to be able to 
 make something of him yet. We say to him as the French- 
 man said to his pet pig — " Ah ! mine little piggy, I vill 
 make a man of you if you don't make a hog of your- 
 self!" 
 
 THE editor of the " Democrat " is making an attack 
 upon an old file of the " Louisville Journal." He'll find 
 it a little the hardest ^'•Jile " that ever a viper undertook to 
 masticate. 
 
 IiST Indiana, a few days ago, a loafer grossly insulted, by 
 vulgar words, three women whom he encountered in a 
 field. They instantly caught him, put him into a deep brook, 
 and held him there till he was half drowned. They w ouldn't 
 brook the insult, preferring to brook the insulter. 
 
 PUNCH says, if you wish to see the teeth of a beautiful 
 young lady, praise her rival before her face. We think 
 the object may often be effected as well by a pretty compli- 
 ment to herself. And her teeth appear to the best advau- 
 taore when we are not afraid of them. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 87 
 
 A WESTERN rhymer says that he ^vrites only when an 
 angel troubles the fountain of his soul. We don't 
 know that the fact of his soul's being troubled gives him 
 the right to trouble the souls of other people. 
 
 IT is a common impression that most ladies prefer tall 
 lovers to short ones. So we cannot be charged with a 
 want of gallantry in saying that a lady generally likes to 
 draw a long beau. 
 
 A WELL-KXOWX editor makes his boast that there is 
 ■^ no other like him in the country. If there were many, 
 the devil would be to pay — but then there would be an 
 abundance to pay him with. 
 
 ITT'E have received a copy of a pretended literary paper 
 H from Illinois, entitled "The Sublime." We have not 
 read it, but we think, from its title, that there is just " one 
 step " between it and its editor. 
 
 ¥E find in an exchange paper a list of twenty Land Re- 
 ceivers detected in stealing. There is an old adage 
 that " the receiver is as bad as the thief;" but, in these 
 days, almost every " Receiver " is a thief. 
 
 rnilE "XewYork Era" says that Mr. Flagg, who has 
 -A- just been appointed postmaster, fought in the last war. 
 Flagg saw but one battle, and then he ran at the first fire. 
 His commander might have looked after him and exclaimed 
 iu a tone of exultation — Our flag isflging. 
 
 THE editor of the " Globe " says, that he is " a son of Vir- 
 ginia." We suppose he is right to tell of it. She never 
 will. 
 
88 PEENTIOEANA. 
 
 I 
 
 N one of the towns of Connecticut, where a special elec- 
 tion is about to take place, Henry Day, S. S. Day, and 
 Joel Johnson, the latter a furious locofoco, are the candi- 
 dates. AVe know nothing of the two Days, but we know 
 Johnson, and have no doubt of his making a great run. 
 We remember him of old, and can testify that he always 
 runs best between a couple of Days. 
 
 k T the last dates from Shelbyville, Tenn., the editor of the 
 A " Star," whom our friend of the " Murfreesborough Tele- 
 graph " shot in the jaw for slandering a lady, was again at his 
 post. He will be particular hereafter to wag his jaw with 
 some little care. Perhaps he will cccasionally venture to 
 give people " a piece of his jaw," but a piece is all he ever 
 will have to give. 
 
 »-©-0 
 
 THE " Globe " ridicules the cloud-compelling, storm-rais- 
 in o- Mr. Espy. If that ingenious enthusiast has discovered 
 any new mode of " raising the wind," we advise the admin- 
 istration, instead of laughing at him, to engage his services 
 as speedily as possible. 
 
 ¥E predicted before the election in New York that the Demo- 
 crats would carry it. We take some credit to ourselves for 
 our sagacity. — Eastern Democrat. 
 
 You have been constantly predicting for the last five 
 years, that the locofocos would carry every election ; and 
 now you claim credit for sagacity, because, after having 
 been wrong ten times, you happen to be right once. 
 " Sammy," said a doting mother to her pet, " tell the gen- 
 tleman how much twice six makes." "Seven." "No." 
 "Eiu'ht." "No." "Nine." "No." "Ten." "No." 
 "Eleven." "No." "Twelve." "Ah, yes— that's right, 
 Sammy— you're a bright boy." Don't you think, my dear 
 sir, tliat this youth, if he lives and has his health, will cut a 
 very extraordinary figure ? 
 
P E E N T I C E A X A . 89 
 
 rrilE " Xational Gazette " says that " the administration 
 ^ delights to show off its friends." No, it appoints them 
 leg-treasurers, and puts the public money into their hands, 
 and then they show themselves " o^." 
 
 rriHE editor of the " Argus " says he expects soon 
 
 -*- to hear the Whigs call black white. Well, what if they 
 do ? His practice shows that he doesn't know the differ- 
 ence. 
 
 ^^ 
 
 7HY should not the government use bloodhounds against the 
 Indian murderers ? — Baltimore Post. 
 
 Sure enough. It uses dogs to fight its political battles — 
 and why not to fight its military ones ? 
 
 THE Federalists profess to have " lopped off the arms " of the 
 Democracy of this State, but they will find it a Briareus of a 
 hundred arms. — iV^. Y. Democrat. 
 
 And not only a hundred arms but a hundred legs — the 
 
 arms all busy in stealing, and the legs in running away with 
 
 the plunder. 
 
 » ♦ « 
 
 T) ETURN" a kiss for a blow. — Sunday School Union. 
 Always provided the giver of the blow be a pretty girl. 
 
 ^^ 
 
 7E like steamboat officers, and hate rascals; but will 
 always thank both alike to give us "a wide herth." 
 
 A X Indiana paper wants to know whether the editor of 
 
 ^^ the " Advertiser" was sober when he said that 
 
 the Democracy would elect the whole Congressional delega- 
 tion from this State. Xo, "not by a jno-full." 
 
90 PRENTIOEANA. 
 
 THE editor of the " Times" saya he sometimes 
 blushes that he is a man. His friends blush daily that 
 
 he isnH. 
 
 •-©-• — 
 
 "R. J. AY. SHOP is a Democratic candidate for the 
 Legislature in Vermont. No doubt the locofocos ex- 
 port to lift him into office ; a good many of them are great 
 
 ai Shop-lifting. 
 
 A MR. E. A. GLASS talks of establishing a new locofoco 
 paper in Alabama. From a notice we have seen of Mr. 
 Glass, we presume that he is one of those Glasses generally 
 called tumblers. 
 
 ANEW YORK paper asks " what ought to be done with 
 a man who cuts off a large piece of a loafer's ear." 
 We suppose he should be boimd to keep the piece. 
 
 THE Ohio River is getting lower and lower every day. It 
 has almost ceased to run. All who look at it can at 
 once perceive that it exhibits very little speed, but a great 
 
 deal of bottom. 
 
 •%• 
 
 THE editor of the " ^ — Democrat" threatens "to 
 touch off the dark shadows of our character." Let him 
 beware, lest while he is busying himself upon our shadows, 
 we poke him in his lights. 
 
 ONE of the editors in the south of Kentucky tells of the immense 
 crops of corn and hemp raised by a farmer in his neighborhood. 
 "We can believe his corn story, but we can't swallow the hemp.--- 
 Democrat. 
 
 Pray, do not try to " swallow the hemp." You are in 
 especial danger of getting choked some time or other by 
 that article. 
 
PEENTICEANA. 91 
 
 THE "Xew Era" gives an amusing account of a Democrat get- 
 ting the advantage of a couple of Whig brokers by certain 
 operations on Time. — Pa. Journal. 
 
 He stole their watches^ we suppose. 
 
 MAXY of our theatres advertise " promenade tickets at 
 low prices." At Washington, such tickets are some- 
 times distributed gratis. There they are better known as 
 
 walking tickets. 
 
 — *-»-« 
 
 A WORTHY young editor, who has just gone into busi- 
 
 -^ ness in the West, boasts that his paper " at present 
 
 augers well.'*'' We hope and believe he doesn't mean that 
 
 it is a o-reat hore. 
 
 » ^.^^ 
 
 A WRITER, dwelling upon the importance of small things, 
 says that he always takes "note even of a straw.'* 
 Especially, perhaps, if there's a julep at one end of it. 
 
 AIST acquaintance boasts that his virtues are in everybody's 
 mouth. He is decidedly mistaken. His \^ces are in 
 other people's mouths, and his virtues in his eye. 
 
 A 
 
 N Illinois editor asks how to kill humbugs. Let him 
 swallow a little prussic acid, and he will dispatch one. 
 
 AN uncoui-teous editor says, that, if he wanted a fit oppo- 
 nent for us, he " would' send to the penitentiary." Ho 
 is far less likely to send than go. 
 
 ALMOST every week a number of newspapers are discon- 
 tinued in different parts of the country. We fear tha 
 reason is, that the proprietors, like a cat chasing her tail, 
 cannot quite make the two ends meet. 
 
93 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 T)EOPLE have a great deal to say about ngly faces. "We 
 ■■- know an unfortunate fellow, who is afraid to travel, for 
 when he does he gets whipped a dozen times a day by per- 
 sons who erroneously fancy that he is making mouths at 
 them. 
 
 DOCTOR proposes to " measure Old Tip and ascer- 
 tain his intellectual dimensions." We much doubt whe- 
 ther the doctor can measure Tip, though every bar-keeper 
 knows that he can tip a measure as quick as any other man. 
 
 4 WRITER in the "Baltimore Post" says that "the 
 ■^^ Democratic cause never appeared in more celestial 
 colors than at present. Probably the fellow means that it 
 looks blue, 
 
 rrilE " Globe " says " there is not a solitary evidence of 
 J- Gen. Harrison's fitness for the Presidency." True, the 
 evidences of the old general's fitness are not solitary ; they 
 go in crowds. 
 
 rrHE " Bait. Republican " talks about Whig house- 
 J- breakers." There's very little doubt, that the Whigs 
 will break into the White House and all the other publio 
 buildings on the 4th of March.* 
 
 rpiIERE is a " "Whig " in this city who has lately drank such enor- 
 X mous qnantities of " hard cider " that crab-apples have grown 
 from the end of his ears and his nose. — Spirit of the Times. 
 
 And do you not remember the time, Avhen, in an ecstasy 
 of locofocoism, you shouted for " old Hickory " until the 
 marks of a pretty sizable hickory were visible all over youi 
 back and shoulders? 
 
 * General Harrisoi took possession 4th Marck, 1841. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 93 
 
 THE " Globe " says that " a Whig is always careful to 
 keep one hand on his pocket." It is a shame, that the 
 light-fingered habits of certain locofocos render such pre- 
 caution necessary. 
 
 "\rP.. VAX BUREN and General Harrison have both 
 --^-L been " followers in the footsteps." Mr. Van Burenhas 
 followed the footsteps of his predecessor in office, and old 
 Tippecanoe followed the footsteps of Proctor and his myr- 
 midons in the day of his country's jDeril. 
 
 ^^ T ET ns take an honest view of parties," says the 
 -Li " Globe." " Let's see," said the bhnd man. 
 
 MR. CAIX, of the " Democrat," threatens to exter- 
 minate the hydra of corruption from the land. So wc 
 may look out for [mother exhibition of the drama of " Cain 
 killins: his brother." 
 
 SOME of the "Whigs of Ohio, a few days ago, burned a 
 barrel of whisky. Col. , on hearing of it, was in 
 
 a terrible rage. "The rascally British Whigs have hunied 
 me i)i effigy ! " he exclaimed. 
 
 ¥E should not, in our attempts to elevate ourselves, lose 
 sight of safety. He who stands upon a tall man's 
 shoulders, can look over the heads of those around bim, but 
 liis footing: is much less secure than theirs. 
 
 IT is dangerous for such chaps as the editors of a Grand 
 Gulf paper to try to imitate us. Did they never hear of 
 the monkey that cut his weasand in an attempt to imitate a 
 barber ? 
 
94 P R E N T I C E A N A. 
 
 4 XOTIIEU :U tempt has been made in Mississippi to bum 
 
 ■^ down a court-liouse. It is in vain for miscreants to try 
 
 to osca]K\ by snch means, the penalties due to their crimes. 
 
 It' justice be driven from her temple, she can ofliciate nnder 
 
 the humblest roof, or even nnder the broad blue sky, with 
 
 lier scales suspended in the open air and her sword Hashing 
 
 in the sun. 
 
 ■i — »« • 
 
 THE " Quincy Argus " died on the 5tli inst. A young 
 jackass, hoAvever, was born within the town-limits on 
 the same day. So the town gained as much intelligence as 
 it lost. 
 
 THERE never were more than two ideas in Mr. P.'s skull, 
 but they generally manage to make as much noise as 
 two peas in a dried bladder. 
 
 THE ''Globe" says tliat "such patriotism as Mr. Clay's 
 will not answer." True enough, for it can't be ques- 
 tioned. 
 
 THE locofocos, as we understand, talk of establishing 
 another paper in Kentucky. They certainly need a 
 fifth paper as much as the Irishman needed a fifth candle. 
 " Bring me another, you spalpeen, that I may see how these 
 
 four burn." 
 
 . — »-•-« 
 
 A WRITER in the Xcav York "True Sun" is advising 
 the editor of the "Globe" to Aiiow hi?)2self. That's 
 advising him to form a very low acquaintance. 
 
 SOMEBODY broke into the barn of a farmer in Madison 
 county, and stole ten bushels of wheat. Probably it 
 was one of Mr. Van Buren's leg-treasurers. Most of them 
 ai'e thieves in grain. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 95 
 
 WE can count no less than 1,000 political faUchoods uttered 
 within the last month. — Globe. 
 
 Most of the falsehoods, that you can county have been 
 nailed to the counter. 
 
 -•-♦-•- 
 
 THE locofocos at Knoxville held their orgies at the foot 
 of " Gallows Hill." They deserved to occupy higher 
 
 ground, 
 
 •-•-• — 
 
 TIELLOW citizens, hear an honest man. — Glole. 
 
 How can they, when you keep up such .a gabble ? 
 
 THE Washington correspondent of the "Einporiura" says 
 of Col. A. L. D., that every feature of his face is " demo- 
 cratic." This is hardly true. The Colonel, we understand, 
 has a regal nose — it has assumed the purple. 
 
 IT appears that the locofoco pole at Jeffersontown was 
 very* badly put up. One of the speakers had to keep an 
 arm around it the v:hole time he was spjeaJcing. 
 
 A MR. BARRY has recently distinguished himself as a 
 ■^ vocalist in New Orleans. Probably his voice is a fine 
 Barry-tone. 
 
 THERE'S a great difference between honor and honesty ; 
 the former, it is said, " exists among thieves," the latter 
 certainly does not. 
 
 THE Trenton "Emporium" thinks that although Har- 
 rison is elected, the Democrats are entitled to at least 
 a /owr^A of the offices ? A fourth! lm'>t XhdX calling for 
 quarter f 
 
96 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 COURAGE, like cowardice, is undoubtedly contagious, 
 but some persons are not liable to catch it. 
 
 'i TTAVE I changed ?" exclaims Gov. P. We don't know. 
 
 -LJ- That depends on whether you ever were an honest 
 
 man. ^ 
 
 • • • 
 
 HAS our neighbor, since the loss of the " tAvine " con- 
 tract gone into the silk business ? He was reeling all 
 day Sunday. 
 
 IVTOBODY can make a newspaper to suit those whoso 
 -L' tastes and opinions are always changing. A millmer 
 might as well try to make a petticoat to lit the moon. 
 
 HOW very anxious Mr. Van Buren must be for a standing 
 army, now that his lying one has been so utterly put 
 to rout 1 
 
 THE " Louisville Advertiser " states that Dr. and Mr. , 
 are about to visit Louisville for the purpose of settling some 
 difficulties with the editor of the "Louisville Journal." — FTiil. 
 Enquirer. 
 
 We have no expectation of falling by the hands of either 
 a forger or a thief. If the one were to visit Louisville, we 
 should simply take precautions against the counterfeiting of 
 our name, and, if the other were to come, we should merely 
 lock up our spoons. 
 
 THERE may be some truth in the discovery made by the 
 editors of the " Gazette," that the *' Journal " is a 
 *' milk-sickness " paper : for it is known to have given many 
 a rascal "the trembles,'*^ 
 
P R E N T I C E A N A . 97 
 
 A COXTEMPORARY inquires if the young ladies of the 
 ■^ present day are fitted for wives. A much more impor- 
 tant inquiry, is, whether they are fitted for husbands. 
 
 CALL a lady " a chicken," and ten to one she is angi-y. 
 Tell her she is " no chicken," and twenty to one she is 
 still ano-rier. 
 
 " VOU seem to walk more erect than usual, my friend.' 
 J- " Yes, I have been straitened by circumstances." 
 
 ^^ TJAVE you any powder ?" said a sportsman to his 
 J"*- companion. " Yes, in a hornP 
 
 THE locofocos make banks whenever they get a chance, 
 and quiet their consciences by denouncing all corpora- 
 tions. They are as ingenious as the Connecticut deacon, 
 who used to hunt and fish on Sunday, always making his 
 spiritual peace the while by whistling psalm-tunes. 
 
 A WRITER in the ^' Globe" says, he "laughs at the 
 present condition of the Whigs." He is evidently, 
 however, too economical to laugh with his whole mouth. 
 He laughs only out of one side of it, and that the wrong 
 one. 
 
 •-e-* • 
 
 R. TYLER, don't get restive at a single hiss. Go to 
 the top of the White House, and, as your ears catch the 
 gale, you will think us a generation ofvixjerSo 
 
 BULWER says that " death often changes aversion into 
 love." Certainly it does ; we may have an antipathy to 
 sheep and swhie, and yet love mutton and pork. 
 
 5 
 
98 PKENTICEANA. 
 
 NEV^ER was a man in this country execrated with mo'^e 
 bitterness than Mr. Tyler. If all the breath, vented in 
 curses on him, were concentrated into one whirlwind, it 
 would be strong enough to scatter the White House over 
 his head. 
 
 WE are not disposed to denounce the President; "hard words 
 butter no parsnips." — Gin. Gazette. 
 And we too might be disposed to forego the use of hard 
 words, if we had no nobler object in view than to butter 
 
 our parsnips. 
 
 •-«-• 
 
 AS Claude R.'s wife sat quietly in the twilight, a fellow 
 stole behind her and kissed her. " Is it Claude ?" she 
 asked hurriedly. "No, dear madam." A moment after- 
 ward he was heard to exclaim, " Oh yes, I am claw'd 
 now, indeed I am." 
 
 *-0-« • 
 
 ^^ T AM certain, wife, that I am right and that yuu are 
 -L wrong ; I'll bet my ears on it." " Indeed, husband, 
 you shouldn't carry betting to such extreme lengths.'''' 
 
 OUR modern cities, though bad enough, are ct,rtainly a 
 great deal better than ancient Sodom ; they have a 
 
 thousand good lots, 
 
 » > » 
 
 AN old lover is ridiculous ; you had better give up all 
 thoughts of love-letters when you can no longer read 
 them without spectacles. 
 
 .'T^IIE editor of the "Madisonian" thinks it strange that he 
 *- has lost his Whig subscribers. He says that he has pur- 
 sued " the true old-fashioned course of policy." We do not 
 deny that his course is old-fashioned. The fashion of truck- 
 ling to power is as old as the world. 
 
PEEXTICEANA. 99 
 
 THERE is many a man whose tongue might govern multi- 
 tudes, if he could only govern his tongue. 
 
 rrilE "Advertiser " charges that the Whig party is made 
 J- up of " odds and ends." We admit that, in a contest 
 between the Whig and locofoco parties, the " odds " are 
 all on our side. 
 
 JAMES RAY and John Parr have started a locofoco 
 paper in Maine, called the " Democrat." Parr, in all 
 that pertains to decency, is below^ zero j and Ray is helow 
 Parr. 
 
 THE Louisville people burnt President Tyler in effigy when they 
 got his veto message. This is a free country, thank God ; and 
 everybody who chooses can make himself an ass. — N. 0. Adver- 
 tiser. 
 
 You've tried the experiment often enough to know. 
 
 THE editor of the still insists that the land dis- 
 tributing bill proposes to " bribe the States with their 
 own money." The proceeds of the sales of the public lands 
 helong to the States ; but the editor thinks that when a 
 creditor receives his just claims, h^is necessarily "bribed 
 with his own money." We can assure him that he left 
 creditors in this State who would like nothing better than 
 for him to " bribe them with their own money," as he 
 calls it. 
 
 LAST night Gen. Quitman made a political speech at the 
 Court House. Before he began, the audience shouted 
 " Quitman ! Quitman ! Quitman !" Before he had spoken 
 ten minutes, they were half disposed to shout — Quit, man \ 
 Quit, man ! Quit, man ! 
 
100 P K E N T I C E A X A . 
 
 '^ TV'^IIE'N' arc we to have 'better times,' 'better wagca,' and 
 If 'roast beef and turkey every day,' as promised by the 
 WLigs before the election ?" — Nashville Union. 
 
 Pshaw, Jerry ! You are Mr. Tyler's official printer ; and 
 are you not ashamed, while your " fair round belly " is filled, 
 almost to bursting, with government pudding, to wheezo 
 out questions about the roast-beef and turkey ? 
 
 ri^IIEY have got up a caricature of Mr. Tyler at Washing- 
 
 ■^ ton. His legs are represented by Mr. Wise and Mr. 
 
 Profit. A curious-lookhig sort of a leg Profit must be — 
 
 all calf. 
 
 • — • •« — 
 
 A LOCOFOCO editor in Mississippi speaks lightly of our 
 -^•^ calibre. He calls us " a two-pounder." Now, although 
 we are not ourself a two-pounder, the Mississippi rascal may 
 chance to find, some day or other, that our two fists are two 
 pounders. 
 
 • 9 • 
 
 OXE of the Rhode Island anarchists writes to Washing- 
 ton : "We are completely done; we shall go to the 
 
 d 1 unless we can get help." It is an old maxim, that 
 
 what's do7ie can't be helped. 
 
 AK editor, who tries always to be funny, and succeeds 
 once in a while, calls us " a strange bird," and says he 
 doesn't exactly know "what species" we belong to. We 
 are quite as much at a loss in classifying him. He has the 
 gait of a duck, the face of an owl, the voice of a guinea-hen, 
 the odor of a buzzard, and the morals of a ch cken-hawk. 
 
 SOME people seem as if they can never have been chil- 
 dren, and others seem as if they could never be any- 
 
 thing else. 
 
P R E N T I C E A X A . 101 
 
 APEKSOX recently started a magazine among us, under 
 the name of " The Titaiy "*-%b^ mi one Bttmber, took 
 to hard drink, and disappeared. If the work shall ever be 
 recommenced, let it be as '-Tne TitJ^n;"; ?diW^ by "The 
 rio-ht 'un." 
 
 A 
 
 YOUXG lady ismt apt to find out that she ever had 
 a heart till she has unhappily lost it. 
 
 rrilE most smiling and placid countenance oftentimes 
 i masks the most dangerous temper. The most terrible 
 thunderbolt we ever saw was shot from a cloud arched by a 
 beautiful rainbow. 
 
 TPIE '• Sentinel" speaks of a certam WAi^ as " a 
 stern man." Has he ever administered a stern rebuke 
 TO the editor of that paper ? 
 
 THE doctors ought surely to be able to escape calumny. 
 It is held that no man living should speak ill of them, 
 and the dead cati't. 
 
 1T7E are often asked why it is that so many married women 
 
 '» of genius are unhappy in their domestic relations. It 
 
 can only be because they choose unwisely. What could be 
 
 expected from the mating of the eagle with the barn-door 
 
 fowl? 
 
 ►-•-• 
 
 • • TVHEREVER I go," said a gentleman remarkable for 
 ' ' his State pride, " I am sure to find sensible and in- 
 tellio-ent men from my own State." Xo wonder, for every 
 man in that State who has any sense, leaves it as fast ad 
 h^ can. 
 
1U2 PRENTICE ANA. 
 
 iT is a rule of tlie inhaiL>itants of certain islands not to allow 
 a young 4Via*a to get marf i-jd until he can cut a sponge at 
 a depth of forty feet. * A man isn't fit to get married till ha 
 can cut; a i:2^o'nge. ao. matter at wh.it distance. 
 
 \T7"HEN we see with what extraordinary facility political 
 ' ' parties make platforms and abandon them, it occurs to 
 us that they might very appropriately publish such a notice 
 as we occasionally see upon the railroad cars " Passengers 
 are not allowed to stand upon the plat for tn?'' 
 
 Oim foshionable ladies would seem to be gromng smart, 
 for it was never before so hard to get round them. 
 They would seem, too, to be growing prudish, for they 
 never before kept the gentlemen at so great a distance. 
 
 'X/'OUN'G men cannot too scrupulously avoid bad habits. 
 -«- It is sometimes nearly as difficult for a youth to change 
 a habit, once formed, as it was for Hercules, after putting on 
 the shirt of Xessus, to change his Jiiien. 
 
 • • • 
 
 TN'SAXITY seems catching. An extraordinary number 
 
 »- of persons, have recently, like the money market, gone 
 
 deranged. 
 
 •-•-• 
 
 A DISTINGUISHED writer says that " nothing is best 
 •^ *- achieved by indirection." The working of a cork 
 screw would seem to be a refutation of that plausible theory. 
 
 A DISTINGUISHED English novelist has recorded that, 
 -^^ ill travelling through the United States, he found but 
 one hotel where ho was supplied with water enough to wash 
 himself. He must be a dirtv fellow, if ever there was one. 
 
xV 
 
 PRENTICEAN^A. 103 
 
 MODERX tourist calls the Niagara River " the pride 
 of rivers." That pride certainly has a tremendous fall. 
 
 "^f EX can seldom decide m an instant whether they are in 
 ■^'-^ danger or not. We have frequently seen persons in 
 railroad cars jerk their heads back m passing objects lest 
 they might break their noses, though the noses could be in 
 no danger unless four or five feet long. 
 
 A FRIEND has sent us a fine engraving, represontuig an 
 eminent poet borne upward into the air by an eagle. 
 Vie never before saw a poet upon the back of an eagle, 
 though we are grieved to confess that we have seen many a 
 one " upon a larJc.^^ 
 
 "I 
 
 HAVE no apprehension that the devil will ever come 
 for me," said a youth of questionable morals. " He 
 will not be silly enough to take the trouble," said a bystand- 
 er, " for you are going straight to Aim." 
 
 A MAX was shot the other day in Xew Orleans. One of 
 the papers of that city thinks " he is not dangerous." 
 Unquestionably, the man that shot him is a good deal more 
 
 60. 
 
 THAT we lack in natural abilities may usually be made 
 up by industry. A dwarf may keep pace with a giant 
 if he will but move his legs fast enough. 
 
 ^ 
 
 EX will ahvays be apt to thmk the money market tight 
 if they are in the mifortunate habit of getting so them- 
 selves. 
 
10-i PRENTICEANA. 
 
 " T AND my brother are engaged in the temperanco 
 ^ cause," said a loafer. " Ife gives public lectures upon 
 the virtue of temperance, and Z go about exhibiting illus- 
 trations of the effects of intemperance." Now, our neigh- 
 bor-in law has a decided advant;ige of that pair of brothers. 
 Ife combines the functions of both. 
 
 A K., speaking of the size of his paper, says that he 
 -^^« has " amj^le room and verge enough." He may as 
 well complete the quotation : 
 
 " Ample room and verge enough 
 
 The characters of hell to trace." 
 
 HE who joins the Republican standard will not he questioned 
 about his former opinions. — Madisonian. 
 
 This is the style of the usual notifications to thieves — 
 " Whoever will return said property shall have five dollars 
 reward, and no questions asked !" 
 
 ^^ TOHN TYLER is every inch a Roman," says the "Madi- 
 ^ sonian." We admit that he is a Roman so far as his 
 nose is concerned, and his nose is an unconscionably long 
 one. So, although he is not every inch, he is about two 
 mches and a half a Roman. 
 
 rpiIE administration paper complains that " the Wliigs 
 -L Avill grant no terms to the President." That's a fact. 
 He has 0726 term— let him make the most of it ; but terms 
 are out of the question. 
 
 rrJIE " Nashville Union " says that the locofoco party is 
 J- " the poor man's party." If a man has no better party, 
 he must be poor indeed. 
 
P R E X T I C E A X A . 105 
 
 IF Mr. Tyler is to be believed, it is unconstituti07ial that 
 he should hold the office of President. He says in his 
 last veto message, that the Constitution never designed that 
 the Executive should he a cipher. 
 
 HE editor of the " Free Trader " thmhs that, in the 
 manuficture of cotton bagging, the people of the South 
 can compete with Kentucky hemp, " if properly protected." 
 "VYe assure the editor that he need have no hope that any- 
 thin o- on earth can e\er protect him against " hempP 
 
 A HATTER in our town advertises that his hats sit so 
 easily upon the head that the wearers scarcely feel 
 them. Unquestionably the best hats are not/e/^. 
 
 SOME of the southern papers say that " Cotton is king." 
 A Kentucky paper says that "Tobacco is king." It 
 certainly reigns in a great many mouths. We must say, 
 however, that it seems to have rather foul kingdoms. 
 
 A CORRESPONDENT of the " Albany Evening Jour- 
 nal " says that " such a pohtical monstrosity as John 
 "YjXqt \^ unprecedented^ We rather think that, m 1844, 
 such a political monstrosity will be un-Presidented. 
 
 N abusive contemporary tells us that we shall never 
 escape him — that he will ever be with us as our shadow. 
 We can't keep such a shadow as that. We have read, in a 
 wild German story, that a man sold his shadow to the devil, 
 who at once rolled it up and put it in his pocket. We have 
 no objections to disposing of ours in the same way. What 
 "will you give, Beelzebub ? 
 
 5* 
 
106 PKENTICEANA. 
 
 ^^ TTAVE you any loose change this morning ?" " No 
 ^^ indeed — money is tight.'*'* 
 
 ITT'E suppose there are some virtues that may exist in the 
 ' ' worst hearts, even 
 will burn under water. 
 
 vv 
 
 ' ' worst hearts, even as there are some kmds of fire that 
 
 T) EJECTED courtesy becomes enmity. If the extended 
 
 -■■t hand is refused, the mere closing of the fingers changes 
 
 it to Vijist. 
 
 — •♦-• 
 
 IF our people would have change in their pockets, they 
 must first have some in their habits of life. In that case, 
 " change will follow change." 
 
 \v 
 
 j^ORDS are sometimes signs of ideas, and quite as often 
 of the want of them. 
 
 AN ex-ofiiceholder, who performed his functions badly, 
 boasts in a publication that he " at least understood the 
 four ground rules of arithmetic." No doubt of it. He 
 multiplied his speculations, subtracted from the public 
 money till nothing remained, divided the whole between 
 himself and an accomplice — and, unquestionably, proved 
 himself, in various ways, the greatest adder in the land. 
 
 A 
 
 POET, who has earned considerable reputation, writes : 
 
 " Why sit I silent in this lonely world 
 To hear the raven's crv ?" 
 
 We presume that he hears the raven for his caws and is 
 silent that he may hear. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 107 
 
 TIIE general opinion is that the vainest of all birds is the 
 peacock. We think the goose is. A goose, when enter- 
 ing a barn through the doorway, invariably bobs her head 
 to avoid hitting the top. Evidently every goose thinks 
 herself at least fifteen feet hii^h. 
 
 TEE moon has been rising for some nights with a face red like a 
 toper's. — Middlebury Watchman, 
 
 Make no imputations against Cynthia's sobriety. She 
 " fills her horn " only once a month. 
 
 A 
 
 CORRESPOXDEXT, who signs himself "Way- 
 -^ farer," professes to understand us to say that we will 
 go for no national bank unless it be just such a one as Mr. 
 Biddle's. The " Wayfarer " mistakes us strangely. We 
 must make our future remarks so plain, that " the icayfav' 
 ing man, though a fool^ may not err." 
 
 SOME of the leading locofocos intimate that they are in 
 possession of Mr. Tyler's secrets, and hint, that, unless 
 he adheres to his opposition to a bank, they will expose him. 
 His Aecidency, we fear, is in a bad fix. " Sir," said an old 
 woman to a loafing neighbor, "if you don't send home my 
 husband's breeches, I'll expose you." " Madam," replied 
 the loafer, " if I do I shall expose myself.'''' 
 
 OF the brood of banks created by the locofocos in this State, all 
 but a single bank in Xatchez are hopelessly insolvent. — Mm. 
 Paper. 
 
 The spirit of locofocoism might address that bank as 
 Falstafi" addressed his solitary companion : " Here stand I, 
 in thy presence, like a big sow that has overwhelmed all her 
 litter but one." 
 
i 08 P R E N T I C E A N A 
 
 rj^IIE new editor of the Madisonian daily discharges his poc- 
 ^ ket-pistol at Mr. Clay. His intentions are very chival- 
 rous, but the results are, for the most part, very unfor- 
 tunate, lie — 
 
 " Cocks trigger as a brave man sliould, 
 But shoots (God bless 'em) his own toes.'* 
 
 -•♦« 
 
 "\T/"E hate to see editors eternally begging and supplicatuig 
 '» a reluctant public to come to their rescue and keep 
 their good-for-nothing noses above water. All such had 
 better take their hats in their hands, and station themselves, 
 like other beggars, at the corners of the streets. If an 
 editor foils to please the public, are there not other employ- 
 ments for him ? Are there no rails to be mauled ? no 
 ditches to be dug ? no streets to be cleaned ? no hods to 
 be carried ? no stone to be cracked upon the high^Yay ? 
 And, in defoult of all these, is not ratsbane or the halter 
 preferable to begging ? 
 
 A MISSISSIPPI paper calls Dr. II. " a fire-eater." We 
 ■^ do not think that the doctor eats fire, though he swal- 
 lows oceans of '''' fire-water P 
 
 YOU may often see a couple cooing like turtle-doves 
 when 'tis all nothinoj but mock-turtle. 
 
 -•-♦^ 
 
 ITTE have nothing further in regard to the Santa Fe 
 '' expedition. The general belief is that the entire 
 expedition fell into the hands of the Mexicans without firm^^ 
 a gun. But why did they not fight as long as there was a 
 drop of blood in their veins, rather than be set to work in 
 the Mexican mines a thousand feet below the surface of the 
 earth? Is it not better to be six feet under ground than a 
 thousand ? 
 
PEENTICEANA. 109 
 
 A LOCOFOCO paper in Xew York professes to have 
 ^ '^ cornered" Col. Stone of the " Xev/ York Commer- 
 cial." We suppose the colonel has no objection to being 
 considered a " corner-Stone." 
 
 npHE editor of the speaks of his " lying curled 
 
 -^ up in bed these cold mornings." This verifies what 
 we said of him some time ago — " he lies like a dog?'' 
 
 fTIIE editor of the speaks of a story which 
 
 J- he does not credit. We judge, from the number of sto- 
 len paragraphs in his paper, that he credits nothing. 
 
 IT has often been said that all the freemen of this country 
 are kings. Perhaps there is no better reason for this 
 assumption than that every American freeman's head has a 
 crown to it. 
 
 MR. AKER, of the Indiana Senate, is seeking to immor- 
 talize himself by cutting off the newspapers of that 
 State from the little income they derive from the publica- 
 tion of sheriff's sales. He is a wise-Aker. 
 
 '' T SAID, my fathers, where are they? Echo answered 
 -•- where .^" This passage from Ossian has been much 
 admired, but the echo, though certamly not so bad as the 
 Irishman's, seems to have been a very absurd one. What 
 hindered it from finishing the question ? 
 
 C' AH, pray let me have my way this time," said a young 
 ^ gentleman to his lady-love. " Well, Willie, I sup- 
 pose I must this once, but you know that after we are mar 
 ried I shall always have a "Will of my own." 
 
110 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 TjlOUR fast young men, the sons of gentlemen of wealth, 
 J- were brou2:ht before court in New Orleans as common 
 rowdies. The judges inquired what their bad course of 
 life could be ascribed to. Most probably to their four 
 
 fathers. 
 
 •-•-• 
 
 ^^ QTEEL your heart," said a considerate father to his 
 ^ son, " for you are going now" among some fascinating 
 girls." " I had much rather steal theirs," said the unpro- 
 mising young man. 
 
 • • > 
 
 U "l/TY boots are getting very tight," said a fellow, after 
 IVi his fifth glass. " K they were not, they wouldn't 
 fjt you at all." 
 
 ¥E have generally observed that a man is not apt to 
 abuse his native State unless he is a fugitive from her 
 justice. 
 
 8 > » 
 
 IT has been too much the habit of the agents sent by our 
 government to the Indian tribes to treat them before 
 treating with them. 
 
 A 
 
 WRITER in the " True Whig " justly represents Mr. 
 
 Tyler as standing with " a foot on one boat and a foot 
 on the other." The writer forgets to add, that the boats 
 are getting farther and farther apart. Although his Acci- 
 dency's legs are none of the shortest, his straddle is 
 becoming inconveniently wide. He will soon be as badly 
 split up as his party is. 
 
 > 9-* 
 
 IVY will not cling to a poisonous tree or other substance. 
 What a pity that the tendrils of a woman's heart have 
 not the same wholesome and salutary instinct. 
 
PEENTICEANA. Ill 
 
 "IITE have received a double sheet of a paper called the 
 ' ' " Plain Dealer." We suppose we may, without 
 offence consider it a double-Dealer. 
 
 M 
 
 HY are people so unwilling to buy venison or other 
 game " out of season ?" Can't they season it ? 
 
 OXE of the editors at Little Rock, who is a classical 
 scholar, says that he has " a great antipathy to lo7ig 
 sentences.'''' We suspect that he has not as great an 
 antipathy to them as his townsman, Trowbridge, who has 
 just got a sentence to the penitentiary for twenty-three 
 years. 
 
 IT^ E perceive that some of Mr. Coffee's constituents have 
 ' ' required him to present a petition^to the legislature 
 against the destruction of the school system. They may 
 call him to account for his war against knowledge. They 
 will appoint a day of settlement. Their Coffee, like all 
 coffee, will have to settle, and get "a sweetening,'''' too, 
 perhaps. 
 
 rpHEY tell us that " truth never dies." But if her home 
 J- is, as we are informed, " at the bottom of a well," it 
 seems a little strange that she never " kicks the bucket." 
 Yet, from her dark home in the still depths, she ofttimes 
 follows up the feeding rill to its source upon the mountain- 
 top, and rises from the fountain like Yenus from the foam 
 of the sea — as beautiful as the fabled goddess, and infinitely 
 more worthy of the admiration of earth and heaven. 
 
 T 
 
 IIERE is a good deal of high living among very low- 
 lived people. 
 
112 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 A BROTHER editor, not at all noted for personal come- 
 liness, complains that a figure of himself, set up in a 
 public edifice, has been "rudely cut with an axe or hatchet." 
 The fellow, who cut it, cut a sorry figure. 
 
 A 
 
 WRITER in a Louisiana paper describes a garden 
 vegetable, which, he says, has a fibre strong enough to 
 make cloth. Oh, well, suits of clothes are often made from 
 cabbage^ as many a tailor could testify if he would. 
 
 AMAI^ not unfrequently takes his own vain estimate of 
 himself for fame. The poor, sickly glimmer that his 
 own weak eyes make around his lamj), he mistakes for a 
 halo of glory. 
 
 rpHE editorial corps of New York city seems utterly 
 -*- destitute of harmony. Its quills all point in different 
 directions, like those of an angry porcupine. 
 
 ALOW-LIVED editor threatens to give us " a tanni7igP 
 We hardly think he will. Hides are tanned with bark, 
 but not the bark of a dosr. 
 
 '^ T AM not afraid of a barrel of cider, sir." " I presume 
 -A- not ; I guess the barrel of cider would run at your 
 approach." 
 
 THE locofoco organ in Columbus has an appropriate cut 
 over the returns of the Virginia elections — a rooster 
 with his mouth wide open. The poor locofoco bird is evi- 
 dently dying of the gapes. 
 
PREXTICEAXA. 11 
 
 o 
 
 / t EX. H., finding himself unable to pay his debts, has 
 ^ taken to drink. TTe suppose he calls that going into 
 liquidation. 
 
 ♦ • « 
 
 IV^ ^<-'^''^ ^^'01^ the Tennessee papers that there was a 
 
 ' » shower of sulphur in some parts of that State on 
 
 Wednesday of last week. Our Tennessee neighbors ought 
 
 to be duly thankful that they got no fire with their brmi- 
 
 stone. 
 
 A PEXXY paper in Xew York says that a strong-fisted 
 ^ servant girl in that city was recently assaulted by a 
 couple of scoundrels, named John and Elam Mile, and that 
 she flogged them both. AVe have heard that a miss was as 
 good as a mile, but here was a case in which a miss was as 
 good as two Miles, and a little better. 
 
 1T"E perceive from the papers that a lady was lately 
 ' ' kicked in a neighboring city by a horse. That city 
 seems very strangely made up. Her horses have no more 
 manners than her men. 
 
 t "WRITER in one of our medical journals insists that 
 ^ finger-rings should not be worn too small. We insist 
 that they should not be too large. Wedding-rings in par- 
 ticular should not be worn loosely. 
 
 rpIIE Rochester "Democrat" says John Jones, of the 
 -L " Madisonian," is a sort of Achilles. An important 
 difference between the two heroes is, that the Greek had a 
 soft spot in his heel, winle the young Achilles has such a 
 spot in his head. 
 
114 PEENTICEANA. 
 
 y^E are told that, at the height of three miles from the 
 earth, the temperature is always the same. That's 
 being above the weather. A great many people understand 
 in these times what it is to be under it. 
 
 1I7"E mentioned the other day that a Mr. Knowles had 
 * ' thrown salt in the eyes of the editor of the "Richmond 
 Star." According to Mr. Knowles' own statement, he first 
 salted him and then licked him. 
 
 l/TR. J. C. KNOWER, of Iowa, a candidate for a humble 
 -L'-l- office, confesses that he has travelled " around at least 
 one-tliird of the entire political circle." We suppose that 
 the portion of the circle he has travelled around may pro- 
 perly be styled Knower^s Arc. 
 
 A RATHER notorious editor in the N'orthwest tells what 
 ■^ he will do, and adds very emphatically, that he is 
 always as good as his word. Unquestionably he is; but 
 the misfortune with him is, that his word is good for 
 nothing. 
 
 A ■wester:^" editor, speaking dolefully of the hard 
 -^ times, expresses a fear that the whole world will 
 suspend. We must distress him with the painful informa- 
 tion that the whole earth is ah'eady susjpended — in space. 
 
 A PROMINENT member of Congress warns the banks 
 -^ that they "may find a whirlwind raised about their 
 ears." They will be glad to hear it. Some of them have 
 been not a little puzzled to know how the wind was to be 
 raised. 
 
P R E N T I C E A N A . 115 
 
 IVrE find in an English paper an account of two murderers 
 * ' who escaped from the custody of the sheriff, and hid 
 themselves in the big gun at Dover. They should, when 
 found, have been discharged at once. 
 
 JOHX XEAL talks about "the brave old earth." She 
 is not so brave but that she sometimes quakes awfully. 
 
 A VERY plain gentleman of our acquaintance, against 
 ■^ whom a suit at law has been brought, declares that he 
 means to appear personally in his own favor. We must 
 assure him, in all kindness, that his personal appearance is 
 never in his favor. 
 
 AKEXTUCKY firmer advertises that he has had two 
 counterpanes and three sheets stolen from his yard. 
 Why didn't he keep the sheets in his house ? Why keep 
 " three sheets in the wind ?" 
 
 A COXTEMPORARY of ours, who fancies himself beset 
 -^ by enemies, says that he is " determined to sell his life 
 as dearly as possible." If he gets sixpence for it, he will 
 die a swindler. 
 
 C^OMPLLMEXTS, carried to an extravagant extent, be- 
 ' come rude offences. There is a material difference 
 between prettily asking for a lock of hair, and taking the 
 whole scalp. 
 
 UlTTOULD you not love to gaze on Xiagara forever ?" 
 » V said a romantic girl to her less romantic companion. 
 " Oh, no, I shouldn't like to have a cataract always m my 
 eye." 
 
116 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 IT is stated in the papers that a couple of Mormon apos- 
 tles sot out upon a tour with a Jew upon the plains some 
 weeks ago, and that the Jew was afterward found mur- 
 dered, with a bloody axe at his side. We understand that 
 the weapon was recognized as the axe of the Apostles. 
 
 IN fishing we have occasionally seen a big pike watching 
 a bait, and evidently weighing the chances between get- 
 ting a good dinner and bei7ig a good dinner. He should 
 have been able to weigh very accurately — he had so many 
 
 scales. 
 
 ''THE times at present are very hard, but the country is 
 * generally healthy. The only complaint extensively 
 prevalent is a stricture of the chest. 
 
 rf'^IIE British soldiers found in Delhi an idol with large 
 ^ diamond eyes. That idol was unlike the ghost of Ham- 
 let's father; it had speculation in its eyes. 
 
 ^T/^E would as soon see a lady making herself a wasp in 
 ' ' temper as in the shape of her person. 
 
 rriHE "Southern Mercury" records that Mr. H. S. Waters 
 -^ " received a fatal blow from his father for crossingr him 
 in his matrimonial purposes." Unquestionably it is danger- 
 ous to cross the " Father of Waters." 
 
 .4 AYHITER in the "Portland Argus" says Mr. Polk is 
 ^^ "one of the very first men of the age. Clay carCt hold 
 a candle to hiin /" This very extraordinary personage was 
 literally invisible to nearly the whole country until the 
 Baltimore convention " held a candle to him.'''* 
 
PEENTICEANA. 117 
 
 A MEDICAL correspondent sends us a communication 
 upon the sensation of a man who is hanged. We can 
 see no good reason for publishing it. If our readers are 
 honest, they have no occasion to know how a man feels 
 when he is hung, and, if they are not, they are likely to 
 find out without being told. 
 
 ABRAYE man bears his certificate of courage in his eye 
 and in his whole deportment, but the poltroon carries 
 
 it in his pocket. 
 
 * • * 
 
 THE "Boston Courier" says that General Cass has 
 " bought a ticket in the Presidential lottery." He will 
 find after the lottery is drawn, that, like a poor fellow who 
 has had a tooth drawn, he is paying for a UanJc. 
 
 THE " Madisonian " announces that John Tyler will play 
 no subordinate part, but "will be either Cffisar or 
 nothing." He has always been Caesar or nothing. But he 
 has never been Cassar. 
 
 t-O-* 
 
 A LOCOFOCO paper in Alabama, says that even the 
 A negroes in that quarter are in favor of the annexation 
 of Texas. If the negroes come out upon the subject, we 
 presume they will do il flat-footed. 
 
 THE mortification of the locofocos, on finding that James 
 K. Polk was their candidate instead of Martin Yan 
 Buren, was as great as a boy would feel, who should get 
 up in the morning and find a poTce in his martin-hox. 
 
 THE " Richmond Enquirer " says, that in the present con- 
 test, the locofocos " fight not to destroy but to save." 
 We candidly confess that we fight to kill. 
 
118 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 rriTE " New York American " thinks that the locofocos 
 J- can have *' no excuse for glossing over their principles 
 with flilsehoods." Possibly they may have some little ex- 
 cuse. We have heard of a Catholic lady, who at confession, 
 accused herself of using rouge. " I know it is sinful," said 
 she, " but I do it to make myself handsomer." " Well," 
 replied the confessor, after giving his penitent's face a pretty 
 thorough examination, " you may use just as much as you 
 pkase, for your face is ugly enough in spite of it." 
 
 ri^'HE editor of the says that the Whigs always have 
 
 -■- an assortment of titles on hand. If that editor had the 
 word " forger" branded in his palm, he would always have 
 his appropriate title on hand. 
 
 I 
 
 lES, like chickens, come home to roost. — Globe. 
 J 
 
 Your phraseology is correct. It is proper for Whig edi- 
 tors to say that lies go home to roost. It is proper for 
 locofoco editors to say that they come home to roost. 
 
 OUR neighbor of the " Democrat " talks about an " in- 
 undation of the Democracy." The Democracy, in the 
 progress of its inundation, has certainly caused a caving in 
 
 of its own 3anks, 
 
 — » » * 
 
 THE "Whigs seem determined to steal everything from ns but our 
 principles. — Louisville Democrat. 
 
 You mean, in other words, that they mean to steal from 
 you everything that is worth stealing. 
 
 AN Eastern paper says " there is a bank in the West with 
 a capital stock of coon skins." There is a bank at the 
 East with a capital stock of codfish. It is the bank of New 
 fouudland. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 119 
 
 (1APTAIX MARRYAT expressed the opinion, in his book 
 ^ of American Travels, that a British army of thirty thou- 
 sand men could walk from one end of the Union to the 
 other. TTe guess they would frequently "break," Uke 
 some trotting horses, into a run. 
 
 1 
 
 T is considered very creditable to men to have hearts of 
 oak, but not half so creditable to have wooden heads. 
 
 * • • 
 
 BY the use of eye-glasses, you may see as much as is to be 
 seen ; but by the use of another kind of glass you may 
 see t^\'ice as much. 
 
 8 
 
 OXE of our writers says that the American ladies, if their 
 services were needed, " would make brave soldiers." If 
 they have to take the field, let them by all means wear 
 tlieir fishionable dresses. The dress worn by day would 
 serve the wearer as a tent at night. 
 
 TTTHY can't the captain of a vessC keep a memorandum 
 'V of the weight of his anchor, instead of weighing it 
 every time he leaves port? 
 
 TIIE TVhigs have derived no advantage from the bankrupt act, — 
 ^: Y. Ghle. 
 
 We are aware that it was such fellows as yoa who gene 
 rally took the benefit of it. 
 
 A 
 
 CORRESPOXDEXT inquires whether we do not feel 
 for the poor locofocos when we are skinning them. 
 Oh, certainly. Skinning these chaps is like skinning onions 
 —it makes us shed tears to do it, but the operation must bo 
 performed. 
 
120 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 THE taste of the readers of locofoco papers is very extra- 
 ordinary. Like the spectators at a juggler's exhibition, 
 they think that they never get their money's worth except 
 when they are grossly cheated. 
 
 THE "Democrat" says that Mr. P., in his speech on 
 Saturday evening, " drew a contrast between the charac- 
 ter of the man and the beast." We suspect that, while 
 talking about the contrast^ he exhibited the resemblance. 
 
 THE "Washington Globe" predicts that the locofocos 
 will get New Jersey. There's no fear of that. The 
 locos may get the hlues^ but not the " Jersey Blues:^ 
 
 A RESPECTABLE gentleman, whom we used to know 
 in the East as a remarkably modest and even timid 
 youth, has set up pretensions in the South as a regular duel- 
 list. We never suspected that he had the slightest taste 
 for saltpetre — unless in the beef-barrel. 
 
 U ll/TY speech is undergoing publication," said a member 
 -JX of our legislature the other day. We wonder if 
 anybody is likely to undergo its perusal. 
 
 THE Governor of Arkansas has a good deal to say, in his 
 late message, about the " honor of Arkansas." If it will 
 be any gratification to him and his locofoco friends in that 
 State, we will admit that Arkansas is the Republic's very 
 " seat of honor." 
 
 THE editor of the " Enquirer " says that " truth 
 is stranger than fiction." Truth in his columns is cer- 
 tainly a thousand times stranger than fiction. 
 
PKENTICEANA. 121 
 
 IillE editor of the , like a cur, vents his spleen by snarl- 
 , ing and snapping at those who pass him. Should his ambi- 
 tious attempt to bite our heel prove successful, some modern Gold- 
 smith maj aptly sing : 
 
 " The man recovered of the bite, 
 The dog it -n-as that died." 
 
 — Little Rock Banner. 
 
 We suspect you do yourself injustice, friend. Do you 
 really think that biting your heel would be enough to 
 poison a dog f 
 
 IT is said that the Hon. C. J. Ingersoll stakes his whole 
 political and personal reputation upon the issue of hia 
 controversy with Mr. Adams. Like the menagerie man, 
 who puts his head in the lion's mouth, he is investing his 
 capital in a hazardous speculation. 
 
 OTJE, friend of the '' Lexington Inquirer," like several 
 other editors not our friends, takes us to task for 
 praising the music of Ole Bull. It is strange how Ole's 
 performances afflict these editors. They groan as if the 
 great violinist were scraping their in'ards instead of those 
 of a cat. 
 
 M 
 
 ISS FROST, of Massachusetts, sued a Mr. Fry for a breach of 
 m promise of marriage, and recovered $365 damages. He 
 courted her a year and had to pay a dollar a day {—Baltimore Sun. 
 
 We should say that Miss Frost was pretty thoroughly 
 fried, and Mr. Fry pretty thoroughly /ros^ed 
 
 A 
 
 WASIIIXGTOX correspondent says that A. B., in his 
 last speech in Congress, " poured out the vials of his 
 wrath on the Whigs." A. B.'s wrath is not kept in 
 "vials." He keeps it in quart bottles, demijohns and 
 puncheons. 
 
122 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 A LETTER from "Washington represents Governor Marcy, 
 the late Secretary of War, as "m the habit of walking 
 down Pennsylvania Avenue with a long stride." This 
 ought on no account to be allowed. If his breeches, as in 
 former days, are to be repaired at the public expense, he 
 should by all means be prohibited from stretching them 
 unnecessarily. 
 
 AX exchange paper thinks that the very poorest business 
 that can be conceived of is office-seeking. We do not 
 think it much poorer than office-holding. 
 
 ¥E are not surprised that Arkansas bachelors find no 
 favor with the ladies. They are too wise to trust 
 men in new bo7ids who repudiate their old ones. 
 
 THE " New York Plebeian " says there is no need of 
 Whigs in office, as there are " Democrats enough in 
 the country to fill all vacancies." The worst of it is that 
 the " vacancies " which they take most pains to fill after 
 getting in office are those in their own pockets. 
 
 OUR Cincinnati astronomers, by the use of their big glass, 
 have settled conclusively that what have been supposed 
 to be lunar volcanoes are nothmg but big fires in the moon 
 for trying out hog's fat, and, that what have been taken 
 for seas and lakes are neither more nor less than capacious 
 reservoirs of lard oil. 
 
 - — »-♦-• 
 
 ¥ 
 
 E do think our neighbor can ow^believe any man in Christen- 
 dom. — Democrat. 
 
 Pshaw ! neighbor. Like a vast majority of the commu- 
 nity, we are incapable not only of oz^^believing you but 
 even of believing you. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 123 
 
 THE editor of the "New Orleans Republican" says that 
 he " rarely takes the air." The fellow seems very spar- 
 ing in the use of the elements — taking the air seldom and 
 water never. 
 
 AXEW ORLEAXS paper speaks of a mulatto woman, 
 who VN'as lately delivered of three children at a birth, 
 one of them as red as red chalk, the second as yellow as 
 beeswax, and the third as black as tar. She must be a loco- 
 foco, and have been dreaming of her multi-colored party. 
 
 ALOCOFOCO editor at Brooklyn has quit the business 
 and turned dentist. The poor starvelmg is unable to 
 find employment for his own teeth except by pulling out 
 
 those of the public. 
 
 •-♦-• 
 
 CORRESPOXDEXT asks whether our neighbor of 
 the is " at the head of the Locofoco Church in 
 
 Kentucky." He ought to be at the top of the church 
 
 steeple. That's the place for weathercocks. 
 
 T 
 
 TTE don't think Whiggery is worth anything except to be laughed 
 ) Y at. — Democrat. 
 
 It has lost much of its value in that respect since you 
 left it. 
 
 A DUEL was fought in Mississippi last week by Mr. T. 
 Knott and Mr. A. W. Shott. The result was, that 
 Knott was shot, and Shott was not. 
 
 ACOXTEMPORARY thinks that " the banks of the 
 country are in a very promising condition." "We 
 seriously apprehend that some of them will never be m any 
 other. 
 
124: P R E N T I C E A N A . 
 
 A BRITISH jxiper says that the American government is 
 devouring our people's substance piecemeal. The 
 British government will never devour the substance of its 
 subjects in that way. " Won't that boa-constrictor bite 
 me?" said a small boy to a showman. "Oh no, boy, he 
 never bites — he swallows his wittles whole." 
 
 A PHILADELPHIA paper boasts of seeing a green pear 
 in the Philadelphia market. We suspect that the tw^o 
 
 editois of the "Louisville " are quite as green a pair 
 
 as I^hiladelphia can show. We do not know, how^ever, as 
 we have a right to speak of our green pair as in market. 
 
 THE " Ohio " puffs a newly invented lock. When 
 such fellows as M. and B. puff a particular lock, the pub- 
 lic may be sure that they have discovered the secret of 
 
 picking it. 
 
 »«-• 
 
 THE Dorrites of Rhode Island are still assailing the penitentiary 
 system in that State. — Albany Journal. 
 
 Ah ! yes ; the way they walk into the penitentiary is a 
 caution. 
 
 A LETTER from Milan, of the 21st ult., states that the Pope, a 
 few days previously, had called together a congregation or 
 meeting for secular purposes in Rome, at which it was determined 
 not to allow railways within tlie Papal States. — Pittsburg Age. 
 
 Of course the locomotives need not think of running in 
 those States. They have run over a good many cows in 
 this country, but they can hardly run over the Poj^e's bull. 
 
 AN" American writer says of the present generation, that 
 " the young men seem to be going one way, and the 
 young women the opposite way." That's right — they wiU 
 meet all the sooner. 
 
FEENTICEANA. 12 5 
 
 A COUPLE of agricultural editors are discussing tlie rela- 
 -^ tive value of different grains. Unquestionably grains 
 of sense are the most valuable. 
 
 AXEW OKLEAXS poet calls the Mississippi the most 
 eloquent ot rivers. It ought to he eloquent ; it has a 
 
 dozen mouths. 
 
 — •-•-• 
 
 THE stream of taxation is perpetual, and it is a stream 
 ao-ainst which the community can't be protected by a 
 
 A FLORIDA paper speaks of the stranding of a whale or 
 -^ some other big fish upon the beach, and says that the 
 citizens had to use a ladder some twenty feet in length to 
 get on his back. We should think such a fish difficult to 
 scale. 
 
 4'»1T7IIAT would you do, madam, if you were a gentle- 
 VV man?" "Sir, what would you do if you were 
 one ?" 
 
 IT seems to us that locofocoism in some of the States has 
 about the same idea of regulating banks that the Irish- 
 man had of trimming apple-trees. Pat went out in the 
 morning to trim a large number of trees, and, returning at 
 noon, was asked if he had finished his work. " Xo," said he, 
 '' but I have cut thern all down, and am going to trim them 
 
 this afternoon.''^ 
 
 — ••• 
 
 A LL the locofoco papers in Alabama threaten the people 
 A of th'e^ State with terrible things if Terry, the regular 
 locofoco nominee for the office of governor, should be 
 beaten. The result shows that the people were not to be 
 2V^y-fied. 
 
126 PEENTICKANA. 
 
 A WHIG editor in Ohio predicts that B will one day 
 
 -^^ find himself on the wrong side of the penitentiary walls. 
 The scamp is on the wrong side now, but the probability is 
 that the error of his position will soon be rectified. 
 
 A MR. HORN writes to the " Richmond Enquirer " that 
 -^^ the Whigs will, no doubt, let the next Presidential 
 election go by default. Mr. Iloni's Christian name must 
 be Green. 
 
 JGHlJir BULL has become a great advocate of temperance. — New 
 Yorlv Evening Post. 
 
 And yet Mr. Bull, under certain circumstances, may in- 
 sist on Jonathan's taking a horn. 
 
 THE ladies of Indiana continue to mob the liquor estab- 
 lishments, breaking all the bottles, decanters, and demi- 
 johns they can find. It is questionable, perhaps, whether 
 this is the right way to make brandy smashes. 
 
 k ]^ editor of a small paper in New York, in computing 
 ■^* the strength of his party, appears to include in it the 
 whole Whig party. It is as great a mistake as w^as made 
 by the clerk of an old Scotch merchant in computing the 
 jH'ofits of his house during the preceding year. The old 
 Scotchman, not a little surprised at the amount, cast his 
 eye over the figures, and exclaimed, " Why^ ye doin scoun- 
 drel^ ye^ve added up the year of our Laird among the 
 
 jyoondsy 
 
 — •♦« — 
 
 OEVERAL of the Eastern newspapers notice the fact that 
 ^■-^ the bees refuse to swarm this fall. We suppose the 
 respectable little insects are disgusted at the swarming of 
 the office-seekers. 
 
P R E N T I C E A X A . 127 
 
 AUK reighbor of the "Democrat" thiuks that some of 
 ^ his contemporaries, whenever they mean a paragraph as 
 a jest, should write under it — " This is a joke." We know 
 of no one who has more occasion for such an expedient than 
 himself. What a pity he has not a tail, that he might wag 
 it whenever he wished to be thouo-ht wao-crish. 
 
 THE man who lives only for this world Ls a fool here, 
 and there is danger that he will be (we say it not pro- 
 fanely) a d d fool hereafter. 
 
 4 COKRESPOXDEXT of the "Washington Union" 
 -^^ compares that paper to a formidable war-chariot. It is 
 nothing but a hack — " a party-hack " at that. 
 
 THE " Mississippi Reformer " says that Governor 
 is " the butt of his own party." If that's the case, we 
 wish somebody would do the party the justice to kick him. 
 
 THE editor of the asks if he shall write our life. 
 Exactly as he pleases. Perhaps he would be quite 
 as well employed in writing such a life as ours, as in living 
 such a one as his own. 
 
 A SET of scamps in Xew York train their dogs to pull 
 watches from gentlemen's pockets, and run off with 
 them. Such a dog is the most pestilent kind of watch-dog 
 we ever heard of. 
 
 A FELLOW who signs hunself " E. J. Law," writes to us 
 to sav that he means to orive us a thrashino-. Let him 
 be in a hurry. We have a mortal antipathy to " tlie Law's 
 delay." 
 
128 PRKNTICEANA. 
 
 THE Locofoco editor of the " Galena Jefforsonian " calls 
 Mr. Clay " Uncle Harry." All a mistake, sir. Your 
 dear uncle is another Old Harry altogether. 
 
 A LOCOFOCO paper in Illinois, calls the governor of thai 
 State " a temperate man." We believe his locofoco 
 excellency did belong to the temperance society a few days, 
 a year or two ago. He made a brief attempt at sobriety — 
 merely made a stagger at it. 
 
 ¥E see that a paper advises the editor of the " Sentinel " 
 to " run for sherilf." We think it would be no more 
 than fair. The sheriff has frequently run for him. 
 
 AT Dubuque, a beautiful young lady fell from a skiff in 
 crossing the Mississippi, and mstantly floated under the 
 ice. A brave young gentleman broke through the ice, 
 rescued her, and married her three days afterward. We 
 have known many young gentlemen who failed to get wives 
 because they were afraid to break the ice. 
 
 "jl/IR. Z. ROUND, an old and valued friend of ours, was 
 ItX recently elected magistrate in Wisconsin. That, we 
 suppose, is what our Wisconsin friends consider squiri?ig a 
 
 circle. 
 
 — ♦-♦« 
 
 IT is a serious question whether every fisherman, however 
 honest he may think himself, ought not to be indicted 
 
 for hooking jish. 
 
 — »-*-♦ — 
 
 A LADY bathing in the sea, may not be in a distressmg 
 predicament, though she is unquestionably in a great 
 pickle. 
 
P R E N T I C E A N A . 129 
 
 A ROCKY MOUXTAIX correspondent of the " Xew 
 ^^ York Post," who writes himself " Hemy E. Land," de- 
 scribes Oregon as the most dehghtful country in the world. 
 Our citizens, if they choose, can go out there, and see ""how 
 tiie Land lies.-'' 
 
 "T ^OUXG ladies ! if gentlemen propose to ring your fore- 
 -*- fingers, be careful they are not fellows who will wruig 
 your hearts. 
 
 DHILOSOPIIERS teach that "there is nothinec without 
 
 o 
 
 -^ a cause." Yie are afraid that certain la^yyers of our 
 acquaintance are an exception. 
 
 1]^ one of our large cities, a ruffian, without the slightest 
 provocation, fired a pistol, with apparently deadly intent, 
 at a fashionably dressed lady. His bullet passed through 
 the huge crinoline, but didn't touch the lady within. He 
 ruight as well shoot at random into the top of a big tree, in 
 the expectation of hitting a small squii'rel, hidden away 
 somewhere amono; the branches. 
 
 OXE of the daily papers gives an account of the vicious 
 pranks of an infuriated bull in one of the streets of Xew 
 York city. We should think that since the late financial 
 troubles in Xew York, enraged " bulls" must be too com- 
 mon a siixht there to attract much attention. 
 
 A 
 
 XOTORIOUS individual in the West recently tied a 
 rone around his neck with the avowed intent of hans^inix 
 himself. He is now said to be a candidate for office. We 
 beg him to elect himself by all means to the office of ?-e- 
 
 corder. 
 
 6* 
 
130 PREKTICEANA. 
 
 "ir: 
 
 OW do ray customers like the milk I sell them." 
 Oh, they say it's of the ' first water.' " 
 
 '• T KNOW I am a perfect hear in my mamiers," said a 
 -L fine young farmer to his sweetheart. " No, indeed, 
 you are not, John ; you have never hugged me yet. You 
 are more sheep than bear." 
 
 rrillOSE governments which do not curb evils are charge- 
 -*- able with causing them. A prosperous villain is a dis- 
 grace to our laws. 
 
 rrilERE are a hundred political questions, which, we 
 J- presume, will be settled just about as soon as the long 
 standing dispute between the katy-dids and the katy- 
 didn'ts. 
 
 IN Indiana, recently the functionaries of the land office 
 beat off a dozen ruffianly assailants. That was doing " a 
 
 land-office biisi7iessy 
 
 — •-©-« 
 
 TO make a pretty girl's cheeks red, pay her a sweet com- 
 pliment. To redden those of an impudent man, slap 
 
 them. 
 
 — •♦-• 
 
 IT is said that a bachelor grows old faster than a married 
 man, but that the latter's hair very often comes out 
 soonest. What is the philosophy of this ? 
 
 PEOPLE of genius, though they usually suffer more keenly 
 than others, should never regret their heavenly gifts. 
 Should the butterfly wish to lose his shining wings and 
 become a poor grub to escape the rushing storms of the 
 atmosphere ? 
 
peenticea:sa. 131 
 
 { GOOD many Democrats are threatening to read each 
 ■^ other out of the Democratic party. Quite a number of 
 them will have to ^co to school before they can do that. 
 
 LIGHTXIXG rods take the mischief out of the cloudj 
 enlightening rods take it out of bad boys. 
 
 ORSOX HYDE, one of the Mormon apostles, boasts that, 
 if he lives ten years and thrives as he has been thriving, 
 he will " have sons enough to make a regiment by them- 
 selves." Vfe have all heard of the " daughter of the regi- 
 ment," but the father of a regiment will be something quite 
 
 new in our land. 
 
 — •-♦< — - 
 
 LOXGFELLOTT, in one of his beautiful eifusions, likens 
 the formation of a poem from a thousand thoughts and 
 imao-es to the floatinnr tosrether of sea-weed from all the seas 
 and gulfs and bays of the earth. "We are afraid that, in this 
 comparison, he has hit the matter of most poetry quite as 
 correctly as the mode of its production. 
 
 IT is the received opinion that men find straightforward- 
 ness the best for success. And yet men, like fish, often- 
 times get bravely ahead by a very crooked process of 
 
 self-propulsion. 
 
 »-«-• — - 
 
 4 WOMAX complains in one of the eastern papers that 
 ^ without any fault she has lost her good name. In 
 our section, ladies very often lose theii' names, but, in doing 
 so, they generally manage to find new ones. 
 
 1 [RS. CHARITY PERKIXS, of Xew Orleans, came near 
 ^■^ dying of poison a few days ago. A sister of Charity 
 was suspected of having administered the dose. 
 
182 PKENTICEANA. 
 
 ONE of our writers asks what sort of animals are the lazi 
 est. We think it likely that oysters are, for they never 
 get out of their beds till they are pulled out. 
 
 AN editor, with whom we exchange, puffs the casks of an 
 advertising patron as being the strongest that he ever 
 saw. We doubt whether they are strong enough to hold 
 liquor w^hen he is about. 
 
 A FEW nights ago a fellow broke into the house of the 
 editor of a penny paper in Boston, but got nothing for 
 his pains. That w^as a case of " flat burglary " and a fiat 
 burglar. 
 
 ri'^IIE administration is suffering miserably in character by 
 -L the feebleness and absurdity of its ofiicial organ. We 
 think it high time for the administration, nulliiierlike, to 
 begin to " calculate the value of the Union:'' * 
 
 ASCURllILOTJS locofoco paper in Illinois boasts that he 
 was once a shoemaker. He says he has made many 
 a boot. We doubt not that he has footed a good many 
 boots and been footed by a good many more. 
 
 AK. says that he expects to be able in a short time to 
 • pay everything that he owes in the world. Ah, but 
 there's a heavy debt that he has got to settle in the other 
 w^orld. There'll he the devil to pay. 
 
 THE locofocos are not much in the habit of dodging offices 
 but it is said that nearly all the offices in Iowa have been 
 Dodged. 
 
 * A former official organ of the Democracy at "Washingtcn, 
 
PREXTICEANA. 133 
 
 A LOUISVILLE correspondent of the " Frankfort Yeo- 
 man " says that the statements of our postmaster will 
 go as far as any man's. Certainly they will ; they'll stop at 
 nothinsr. 
 
 »-•-• 
 
 CAPT. R. says that he " scorns to listen to a Whig ora- 
 tor." We believe he listened to the pillory once. At 
 any rate, it had his ear. 
 
 
 
 FR neighbor's objection to the Sub-treasury is, that its vaults 
 are to be locked. — Louisville Democrat. 
 
 And that the keys are to be kept by a set of rascals with 
 legs astonishingly elongated and pockets as big as saddle- 
 bags. 
 
 •♦• — 
 
 rr HE editor of the " Enquirer " complains of the " Cora- 
 -^ mercial " because it neglects to credit him for an article 
 tliat he stole. Credit for stealing is about the only credit 
 he will ever get. 
 
 ALOCOFOCO editor in Illinois was kicked the other 
 day by Mr. Henry Webb. The fellow escaped by 
 jumping into the Mississippi. We suppose that, finding 
 hunseLf web-footed., be thought the river his natural ele- 
 ment. 
 
 « 0-0 
 
 "TirE cannot think of reading the whole of the locofoco 
 '' pai*t of the Oregon debate in Congress, but we have 
 read the speeches of long John Wentworth and little Mr. 
 Douglas, so that we presume we have got " the long and 
 the short of it." 
 
 0-©-« 
 
 AWASHIXGTON letter-writer says that Mr. McConnoU 
 was once a schoolmaster. If he taught his pupils to 
 Imitate his own drunken habits, it must have been a high 
 school. 
 
134 PEENTICEANA. 
 
 SOME members of Congress would best promote the 
 their country's peace by holding their own. 
 
 A LADY, who writes in the "Winchester Virginian," 
 under the signature of " An Old Maid," says that she 
 " cannot bear the men." We wonder if she can bear 
 
 children. 
 
 > ♦ • 
 
 THERE is a law in I^Tewark against "the opening of rum- 
 holes." If such a law were enforced in Congress, 
 several members would have to keep their mouths shut. 
 
 A CASE is pending in Mississippi in which an attempt is 
 to be made to enforce the law of that State which re- 
 quires that a man shall pay the debts of the individual whom 
 he kills in a duel. As duellists are a set of chaps who rarely 
 or never pay their own debts, they ought certainly to be 
 liompelled to pay each others.' 
 
 OUR friends have sent us so many fine fruits that we can 
 hardly make particular mention of them all. We hope, 
 however, to succeed in makmg out a " digest " of them. 
 
 THE disciples of one of our modern schools of authorship 
 are, in one respect, like the ancient sibyl. They utter 
 mysteries unintelligible to themselves, leaving the world to 
 find out the meaning if it can. 
 
 R. has published his valedictory address in the 
 
 IfX " New York Globe." He has been kicked very uncere- 
 moniously from the concern. We always thought that the 
 rascal deserved to be kicked from the globe. 
 
PEENTICEANA. 135 
 
 WE know a great many persons tLat are '' kind to a 
 fault," but a "fault" is about the only thing that 
 some of them are " kind to." 
 
 THE " London Xews " says that the United States has 
 been stationary during the last twenty-five years. We 
 think every man acquainted with our history must admit 
 that we have gained ground in that time. 
 
 THE editors of the " Journal " talk about empty noddles. That's 
 a subject they understand. — Louisville . 
 
 Then, the difference between us and you is, that we un- 
 derstand an empty noddle, and you stand under one. 
 
 AW. FIELD, editor of the " Law Gazette," suggests 
 • that the Whigs run the devil for the next presidency. 
 We rather guess that the devil will " take the Field " with- 
 out any agency on the part of the Whigs. 
 
 IT snowed yesterday afternoon, after a dark and gloomy fore- 
 noon. The "Louisville Journal" was just sixteen years old 
 the day before. — Democrat. 
 
 We apprehend that the birth-day of your "Democrat " 
 will be a day of neither snow, nor rain, nor hail, nor sun- 
 shine, but a dull, foggy, soggy, hazy, lazy, drizzly, mizzly, 
 fizzly, good-for-nothing day — the wind chopping, every 
 hour, around all the thirty-two points of the compass. 
 
 >-e-»- 
 
 WE wonder if the Illinois ladies, who presented Gov. F. 
 with a petticoat, accompanied the present with a bus- 
 Je. We presume so, for his excellency seems to have been 
 in a screat bustle ever since. 
 
100 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 1T7E are the warm friends of temperance ; but, when it 
 ' ' becomes political, we consider it a very intemperate 
 Liiid of temperance. 
 
 4 LOCOFOCO editor in Indiana, taunts us for not taking 
 -^^ an active part in the Mexican war. May be he had 
 better set us the example, as his readers can much better 
 spare him than ours can us. If we have headed no military 
 columns in the fight against the Mexicans, we have done 
 what is quite as patriotic — headed the columns of the 
 " Louisville Journal " in the fight against locofocoism. 
 
 rpiIE " Democrat" says that our paper is "in its dotage." 
 -L The " Journal," certainly dotes on all that is good, and 
 is doted on by all good men. 
 
 SOME writers collect their disjointed ideas from all author? 
 within their reach, just as the paper they write on ia 
 made from the tattered rags of all the stuff on earth. 
 
 THE greatest thoughts seem degraded in their passage 
 throug-h little minds. Even the winds of heaven make 
 but mean music when whistling through a keyhole. 
 
 " T DON'T think, husband, that you are very smart." 
 J- " No, indeed, wife ; but everybody knows that I am 
 awfully shrewed."^^ 
 
 A MEMBER of Congress from Philadelphia, says that he 
 is " disposed to give the Whigs no credit." Unless he 
 has changed mightily since he lived out this way, he hasn't 
 any to give. 
 
PBEXTICEANA. 137 
 
 Christmasville, Tenn., Nov. 26, 1846. 
 To the Editors of tlie Louisxille Journal. 
 
 aEXTLEMEX: Inclosed please find one dollar for the 
 ''Weeklj Journal," which please forward to my address, Christ- 
 masville, Tenn. You appear to be quite sensitive upon the subject 
 of subscription, and it is from no good feeling I have toward you 
 personally, that I send for your paper, but the great respect and re- 
 gard I have for the Whig cause. So, as far as you are personally 
 concerned you may go to h — Z, but send me the ''Journal." 
 
 Respectfully, P. S. Paeish. 
 
 We have sent Mr. Parish's letter, with its inclosure, back 
 to him. His politics and his money appear to be very good, 
 but his Whig politics are no apology for his locofoco man- 
 ners ; and we shall not, for the sake of pocketing his dollar, 
 pocket his insults. We must be poor indeed before we 
 shall come upon such a parish. As for our being " sensitive 
 upon the subject of subscription," we have only to say that 
 we- are honest enough to publish our terms and honest 
 enough to adhere to them after they are published. If Mr. 
 Parish has any ambition to insult us, we invite him to do it 
 face to face, rather than at the cowardly distance of some 
 hundreds of miles. As he is too far ofi* for us to kick him, 
 we employ our paper to do it for us. The " Journal," with 
 legs more numerous than a millipede's, and longer than a 
 leg-treasurer's, kicks all manner of blackguards at all man- 
 ner of distances. 
 
 MESSPtS. BELL & TOPP, of the " X. C. Gazette," say 
 that " Prentices are made to serve masters." Well, 
 Bells were made to be bung, and Topps to be whipped. 
 
 THE editor of the "Democrat" says that our face "looks 
 thin and gaunt." If that's the case, we have the morti- 
 fication of resembling him in one respect at least. If we are 
 thin-faced, he is double-faced, so that each of us has a spare 
 face. 
 
138 P E K N T I C E A N A . 
 
 rrHE " Columbus Statesman " asks us what is our " idea of 
 A the poetry of motion ?" Well, sir, when on the 4th of 
 March, '49, we shall stand, as we exiDect to do, on the sum- 
 mit of the capitol at Washington, and behold the locofoco 
 ex-office-holders scampering in all directions, like thousands 
 of scared rats, the scene will come fully up to our most sub- 
 limated idea of the " poetry of motion." 
 
 THE old man of the " Washington Union" professes to be 
 very angry w4th the young men of Auburn, because they 
 are gomg to present Mr. Clay with a beautiful chair. But 
 the truth is, the old gentleman is not, in reality, half so an- 
 gry that Mr. Clay is to be presented with a fine chair, as he 
 is that Mr. Polk is to be ousted from a still finer one. 
 
 11^ E perceive that Lester, formerly a locofoco editor in 
 ' ^ Mississippi, whose chief business was to abuse the 
 " Louisville Journal," is now in the penitentiary. We must 
 take some early opportunity of paying him a visit in his new 
 home. We are curious to see whether he is as good at 
 pecking stone as he is at writing scurrilous paragraphs. 
 During our visit, he may look up at us, but he must not 
 speak to us, nor must he stop pecking stone. Like the 
 carrier-pigeon in the song, he must — 
 
 " Turu up his bright eye — and peck." 
 
 THE editor of the " -^ Pennsylvanian " says that 
 he " cannot wade through Mr. Webster's speech." A 
 speech that he can wade through, must be a very shallow 
 07ie. 
 
 -•-^^o- 
 
 P CHAPMAN" of the " Sentinel " seems very proud of 
 . his " goatee." We do not think that Chapman's owner 
 has much reason to be proud of his. 
 
PEENTICEANA. 139 
 
 THE editor of the " Democrat " advises the Whigs to 
 " steal some common sense." He feels perfectly safe in 
 tbfus advising them, as he knows that they will not, in 
 search of any such commodity, make a burglarious entrance 
 into his premises. 
 
 MR. Polk adheres to his opinions in regard to the Ohio 
 and Mississippi snags. If the people adhere to their 
 opinions, the snags will not adhere to their places, nor Mr. 
 Polk to his. 
 
 THE " Washington Union " says that " tlie manufacturers 
 are sufficiently encouraged." That's a fact. The re- 
 sults of the late elections afford them the most substantial 
 " encoura2:ement." 
 
 THE editor of the " Globe " complains of the long Whig 
 speeches in Congress upon the Mexican war. The fact 
 Is, the locofocos persist m making speeches about the war, 
 and the Whiscs are too civil to give them short answers. 
 
 MR. TREAT is the principal editor of the " St. Louis 
 Union," although he does not venture to avow himself 
 as such. The reason is that he is unpopular with the St. 
 Louis locofocos, because he has been temperate in his loco- 
 focoism. We do not think that their own political intem- 
 perance is any good reason why they shouldn't stana 
 Treat, __.,^^_ 
 
 THE " Washington Union " says that " the measures of 
 the orovernment at this time are matters of great inter- 
 est." This is especially true of the prominent measure of 
 the government, the national debt — it will create a very 
 great interest indeed. 
 
liO PEENTICEANA. 
 
 rnilE editor of the says that it gives him "a 
 
 J- retching of the stomach to open some of the Whig 
 papers." Few things could be more creditable to the 
 organs of a party than that they make a wretch retch. 
 
 THE administration is already begging for the dollars. — Norwich 
 Courier. 
 It is now begging for dollars, and we apprehend, that, 
 ere long, it will be begging for quarters. 
 
 MESSRS. POLK & CO. have got their Sub-treasury, and 
 now they feel its metallic claws in their political vitals. 
 
 IN Lafiyette, on Saturday night, a man named Cadwal- 
 lader, who had been killing himself for years with a slow 
 poison called whisky, finished the job with a quick poison 
 called arsenic. 
 
 •-e-* 
 
 rpHE " New York Herald " says that " we have got 
 -A- Mexico by the hair of the head." Late news from the 
 South created a strong apprehension for a time that Mexico 
 had got hold of our Wool. 
 
 BY a law of Congress, the public printing of that body 
 must be given to the lowest bidder. Hitherto the 
 locofocos, instead of givmg it to the lowest bidder, have 
 generally given it to the lowest /eZ/ow. 
 
 rpHE editor of the " Pennsylvania Democrat " makes a 
 -*- foohsh attempt to ridicule the Whigs because some of 
 them recently presented a pitcher to Mr. Clay. We think 
 that the locofocos had better send the editor of that paper 
 to Mr. Polk. The President would then have a utensil 
 combining all the qualities o^ ii pitcher and a tumbler. 
 
PKENTICEAXA. 141 
 
 ^''IIE editor of the calls upon all who are ambitious 
 
 -^ of honor to o-q to the war. When he "rot kicked for 
 his lampoon upon an officer of the army, the seat of ho still' 
 ties icas ceriainly the seat of honor. 
 
 T 
 
 HE editor of the " Washington Union " is speculating 
 upon the amount of the public land of the United 
 States which would be required to give a bounty of one 
 hundred and sixty acres to each of the soldiers of the army. 
 The Government editor should remember a large portion 
 of the poor fellovs's will require but six feet each — and this 
 they can have in Mexico. 
 
 TTJ'E had supposed that the "Whig party would profit a little by 
 IT experience — but it seems the fools are not all dead yet. — Xew 
 YorTc Globe. 
 
 K they are all dead, the inditing of your paragraph 
 proves, in regard to at least one of them, that, " although 
 dead, he yet speaketh." 
 
 rpHE Washington correspondent of the " Pennsylvanian " 
 -A- says : " I care nothing for the Whig indignation that 
 seems continually suspended over my head." In what form 
 does it appear to him ? In the shape of a rope f 
 
 THE " Pennsylvanian " says that the "President and his 
 ministers are all sound and substantial men." They 
 certainly ought to have some substance about them, as 
 they are fast eating out the people's. 
 
 rpHEEE is a time and a place for everybody. — Union, 
 
 Certainly. Your " place " is the penitentiary, and ycnr 
 " time " not far distant. 
 
Itt2 PUENTIOEANA. 
 
 rrilE " Louisville Democrat " announces the melanclioly 
 •*- llict that Gen. Cass has been slain " by the jaw-bone of 
 an ass." Does our sly neighbor mean to insmuate that the 
 general has talked himself to death? 
 
 OXE of the high officers of the government took a por- 
 tion of the last loan advertised by the administration. 
 As a general rule, the government officers will wait until 
 the amount of the loan is paid into the treasury, and '■'take" 
 it then. 
 
 
 
 UR neighbor says that he has caught ns napping. Well, 
 we are smarter asleep than he is awake. 
 
 ADISimGUISHED artist in New York has sent Santa Anna an 
 elegant cork leg ! This is aid and comfort to the enemy. — 
 J^hiladeljyhia North American. 
 
 Old Rough and Ready ought by good right to have 
 made Santa Anna a present of a leg after the battle of 
 Buena Yista. Having whipped him, he should have fur- 
 nished him the means to run away. 
 
 ¥E think it likely that the people of the United States 
 will in 1848 do w^hat the Mexicans have vainly 
 attempted to do — run Gen. Taylor, 
 
 NONE of the regular locofoco papers have as jet run up 
 Gen. Taylor's flag for the Presidency. We see, how- 
 ever, that, although they don't run it up, they dare not ru?i 
 it dow7i. 
 
 ¥ 
 
 E deny the fact. — Democrat. 
 
 If you have a talent for anything in the world, it is \m* 
 doubtedly for denying facts. 
 
PEENTICEANA. 14:3 
 
 THE letter-writers state that Gen. Taylor " finds it diffi- 
 IPiilt to obtain food for his horses." K such is the fact, 
 it seems aln'ost a pity, that Broiigh, the fat editor, was not 
 sent out there ; 
 
 If flesh is grass, as people say, 
 Then Johnny Brough's a load of hay. 
 
 THE editor of the " Washington Union " says that he " is 
 careful not to confound men and principles." We are 
 aware, that so far as his influence extends, he keeps men 
 and principles as far apart as possible. 
 
 1T7"E think Polk's administration is in a fair way to make 
 ' V the interesting discovery, that, if Presidents can make 
 "w^ars, wars can make Presidents. 
 
 IT is said that Santa Anna foamed with rage (at Cerro Gordo) 
 when he found that the day was lost. — Charleston Courier. 
 
 It is no wonder that Mr. Polk's cork-legged friend 
 foamed a little. He lost his leg ; he was uncorked. 
 
 MR. POLK'S Mexican accomplice has showTi himself 
 pretty good at fighting, but a good deal better at run- 
 ning away. So far as he is concerned, the war has 
 emphatically been what he himself calls it in his late address 
 to his countrymen — " a war of races. ^"^ 
 
 THE Washington correspondent of the "New York 
 Express" says he is " determined to unmask locofocoism, 
 however difficuU the task may be." If there is any diffi- 
 culty in getting its mask off, perhaps the shortest cut would 
 be to take its head offl 
 
144 . PRE]NTICEANA. 
 
 
 
 LD Rongh and Ready has proved himself a first-rate 
 Taylor. He always gives his Mexican customers ^^5. 
 
 TZESTERDAY we saw a man making up a large package 
 
 i of copies of the " Democrat" to be sent to 
 
 Ireland. It might seem heartless to congratulate the starv- 
 ing Irish upon this consignment of " small potatoes." 
 
 THE editor of the " Democrat " says that we are playing 
 our last card. He is mistaken. We wouldn't speak 
 lightly of serious things, but we guess that when we play 
 our last trump he will be ready for Gabriel's. 
 
 WE have seen a letter from Buena Vista which states 
 that Colonel Clay, even when mortally wounded and 
 half-stretched upon the earth, was seen to kill at least two 
 Mexicans with his sword : 
 
 " He thought through whom 
 
 His life-blood tracked its parent lake, 
 And then struck home." 
 
 THE editor of a paper not a hundred miles off keeps 
 two or three paragraphs from the " Louisville Journal " 
 at the top of his paper and fills up the rest of his sheet with 
 stuff of his own. He is like some dealers in butter, who are 
 careful to put a splendid article at the head of the firkin but 
 fill all below with lard and soap-grease. 
 
 THE editor of the "Vermont Democrat" describes Demo- 
 cracy as having " one foot on the AUeghanies and the 
 other on the Rocky Mountains." This beats Santa Anna 
 biimself, who, just at present, has one foot* in New Orleans 
 and the other somewhere near the city of Mexico. 
 
PEENTICEANA 145 
 
 THE " Washington Union" wishes to knew how General 
 Scott will take his rejection as a candidate for the 
 Presidencv. We rather think he will "take it easy " — just 
 as he did Vera Cruz. 
 
 FOR what warlike exploit was Mr. Marcy appointed Secretary of 
 War ? —Albany Journal. 
 
 Some think that it was for his unprecedented charge if.20on 
 tJie State of N^ew York, 
 
 DR. J. X. CHOBERT, of Xew York, the fire-king, who 
 used to sit in hot ovens with legs of mutton till the 
 latter were roasted, has just received from the French 
 Emperor the St. Helena Medal for having served twenty- 
 six years in Xapoleon's Grand Army. Xo doubt it was in 
 that service he learned to stand fire. 
 
 '^ "VrOU would be very pretty indeed," said a gentleman, 
 -L patronizingly to a young lady, " if your eyes were 
 only a little larger." " IMy eyes may be very small, su', but 
 such people as you don't fill themP 
 
 rpRUTH is stranger than fiction.— T/zion. 
 
 You don't let your readers judge for themselves. You 
 give them a world of " fiction," but never let them see tho 
 " truth." 
 
 AN affair between the editors of the " Yicksburg Whig" 
 and the "Yicksburg Sentinel," which was generally 
 expected to result in bloodshed, has been amicably settled. 
 Thus has it turned out, contrary to all indications, to be a 
 real " afiair of honor." 
 
 1 
 
146 PKENTICEANA. 
 
 ANEIGIIBORIXG editor says lie lately met with one 
 of bis jokes thirty years old. We suspect he has met 
 with a good many of them much older than himself. 
 
 rrjlE "Nashville Union" says that the Democrats are very 
 J- prompt in going to the war. To be sure a good many 
 Democrats go there, but very few come back. They 
 generally turn Whigs in their country's service. 
 
 THE " Democrat " complains that the Whigs are " placing 
 General Taylor in a false position." They will under- 
 take to place him in a right one at the next Presidential 
 election. 
 
 XpYERY man who sustains the honor of his country must be 
 Jj courting locofocoism. — Louisville Democrat. 
 
 If so, there's not the slightest chance that his suit will be 
 
 successful. 
 
 » ©-«— — 
 
 "ITTE are entirely uncommitted. Sentinel. 
 
 If all the principal acts of your life were " entirely uncom- 
 mitted^^ you might be a decent man. 
 
 THE editor of the " Democrat" has not the cour- 
 age to say whom he is in favor of, for the Presidency, 
 but he DARES us to say whom we are in favor of. So, if not 
 courageous, he is certainly daring. 
 
 A BILL is pending in one of our western legislatures to 
 empower women to make contracts. They should by 
 all means be authorized to contract — they have been ex- 
 panding too much. 
 
PEENTICEAXA. 147 
 
 THE studio of a first-rate portrait painter must be a per- 
 fect bedlam, it is so full of striking likenesses. 
 
 rpHOSE periodicals are most likely to explode which 
 -^ haven't a spark of fire in or about them. 
 
 A LADY may give her husband a piece of her mind if she 
 •^ chooses, but she shouldn't break the peace. 
 
 ^^ T/'OU always lose your temper in my company," said an 
 
 -L individual of doubtful reputation. " True, sir, and 
 
 I shouldn't wonder if I lost everything valuable I had 
 
 about me." 
 
 — »-©.« 
 
 rpHE earth is a tender and kind mother to the husband- 
 -*- man ; and yet, at one season, he always harrows her 
 bosom, and at another plucks her ears. 
 
 IF your watch is snatched from you in the street, the best 
 thing you can do is to raise the cry of " watch ! watch !" 
 
 -•-»«- 
 
 A WESTERIST politician, who was in the Blackhawk war 
 ^^ and is now a candidate for office, gives notice that he 
 is "a peaceable man." Indeed he is; we watched his 
 career through the whole war, and never in our hves did 
 we know a more peaceable man. 
 
 • Q • 
 
 A FELLOW in Tennessee, arrested for stealing a bank- 
 bill, was searched, and the bill was not found. A 
 person who had obseiwed hira closely, msisted that an 
 emetic should be given him. The thief was convicted out 
 of his O'uyyi mouth. 
 
14.3 P Ji E N T I C E A N A . 
 
 fyilE man wlio lias no conscience of his own to keep, is 
 ■i generally the most anxious to be the keeper of other 
 people's. 
 
 ^-O^-O 
 
 rj^IIE slanderer is like the chameleon — he destroys his prey 
 J- by a dart of his tongue. 
 
 THE editor of the says that Mr. Kelly, the mes- 
 merizer, passed us off upon one of his mesmerized sub- 
 jects as a lady. We defy all the mesmerism in the world 
 to pass him off as a lady — or a gentleman. 
 
 A SKEPTIC thinks it very extraordinary that an ass once 
 talked like a man. Isn't it still more extraordinary 
 that thousands of men are continually talking like asses ? 
 
 A POPULAR author exclaims: "What a pity some 
 quadrupeds can't talk !" We are rather disposed to 
 say, what a pity some bipeds can / 
 
 ^» T AM told, miss, that your lover plays and drinks.'» 
 J- " Oh, yes, sir, he plays the flute divinely, and drinks 
 at the spring of Helicon." 
 
 WILD rye and wild wheat grow m some regions spon- 
 tanviously. We believe that wild oats are always 
 
 80WT1. 
 
 • « 
 
 'i T DOX'T know what to do !" exclaimed a perplexed 
 i husband ; " my wife, if denied anything, is sure to 
 have a fit." " Well, you can offset her fit with one of your 
 ^.^^_in such a case, counter -fitting is entirely justifiable." 
 
P R E N T I C E A N A . 149 
 
 A LOUISIANA editor speaks lightly of kissing. His 
 ^^ object evidently is to promote the interest of his own 
 State. Sugar is her staple, and he knows that kissmg 
 greatly reduces the demand for it. 
 
 "TTTIIEX a man goes toward his object in a tortuous course, 
 ' ' you had better set him do^m as a serpe^it. 
 
 U T ET the Democracy be united to a man." — Louisville Demo- 
 ±J crat. 
 
 Our neighbor takes Democracy for an old woman, and is 
 exhorting her to get married. We are afraid that the 
 old hag is so ugly that she can't find any one to take her. 
 She will have to live on in sino^le cursedness. 
 
 A CCORDIXG to the New York "Express," nine thou- 
 -^ sand ladies of that city shook hands with Mr. Clay, and 
 kissed him or were kissed by him, in the brief space of two 
 hours. This was just seventy-five kisses to the minute, or 
 considerably more than one to the second. We are not 
 altogether sure that Mr. Chiy, instead of kissing nine 
 thousand girls in two hours, would not have preferred to 
 select the prettiest one of the whole number and kiss her 
 two hours. 
 
 A X editor in the West boasts that his enemies will find 
 -^^ him " a young David." Very few read his paper with- 
 out feeling disposed to exclaim — Go-liar f 
 
 THOSE people who turn up their noses at the world, 
 i might do well to reflect that it is as good a world as 
 they were ever in, and a nnich better one than they aro 
 likely ever to get into again. 
 
150 FKENTICEANA. 
 
 '\T7'E know a paper that has an invaluable local editor. If 
 'V he cannot find rows enough to make his department 
 
 interesting, he kicks them up himself. 
 
 A POPULAR writer says that a woman " should he won 
 by degrees." Certainly — win first her ears and eyes, 
 tficn her heart, then her lips, and then her hand. 
 
 4 CERTAIX editor, who has had a controversy with us, 
 
 su2:G:ests that he and we look each other in the face. 
 But he would have the advantage of us ; he would have 
 much the better prospect. 
 
 i^ WHY, my dear sir, are you always gazing at the sun- 
 ^* sets?" "Just because they are the only golden 
 prospects I ever have." 
 
 IT is undoubtedly true that some people mistake sycophancy 
 for good nature, but it is equnlly true that many more 
 mistake impertinence for sincerity. 
 
 AWELL-KKOWX writer says that a fine coat covers a 
 multitude of sins. It is still truer that such coats 
 cover a multitude of sinners. 
 
 "If ANY a sweetly-fashioned mouth has been disfigured 
 -LJi- and made hideous by the fiery tongue within it. 
 
 MEN" are deserted in adversity. When the sun sets, and 
 all is dark, our very shadows refuse to follow us. 
 
A 
 
 PRENTICEANA. 151 
 
 OORRESPOXDENT asks us to expose the " Model 
 Artists." The " Model Ai'tists " expose themselves. 
 
 rrilE Ohio "State Journal" calls the case of the Wooster 
 J- bank "a downright failure." But was it an upright 
 failure ? 
 
 rrHE newspapers are publishing a very long piece of the 
 -''- late John Quincy Adams's poetry, entitled " The Wants 
 of Man." Man has many " wants," but we do not think 
 that Mr. Adams's poetry is one of them. 
 
 }F men could find the fabled fountain that is said to 
 restore youth, and health, and beauty, with what eager- 
 ness they would rush to drink its waters. Yet, with scarcely 
 less eao-erness do they now rush to drink of waters that 
 bring upon them premature old age, and disease, and loath- 
 some ugliness. 
 
 1\ TAXY a writer seems to think that he is never profound 
 -L^-l- except when he can't understand his oAvn meaning. 
 
 1^"E don't know when we have heard of a more appro- 
 ' ' priate marriage than a recent one in Ohio, of Miss 
 Kirh to Mr. Buskirk. 
 
 1T7E recently saw two men quarrelling. One of them was 
 ^ ' excessively violent at first, but became perfectly calm 
 the moment the other got violent. He was cured as doctors 
 sometimes cure maladies — by counter-irritation. 
 
 THERE is no objection to hroih in a house, so they be 
 confined to the kitchen. 
 
152 P R E N T 1 C E A N A . 
 
 WOUNDS healed when the body is in health, sometimes 
 break out afresh in sickness ; but evil j^assions and 
 propensities, tliat seem cured in sickness, often break out 
 afresh in health. 
 
 '• pLEASE take this medicme, wife, and I'll be hanged if 
 -L it doesn't cure you." " Oh, I will take it, then, by 
 all means, for it is sure to do good one way or the other." 
 
 E:\IERSOX tells us that " the tongue should be a faithful 
 teacher." Certainly the eye ought to be — it always has 
 a pupil. 
 
 ►-©-•- 
 
 THE heart of every true lover of nature is a harp of Mem- 
 uon ; its music swells to heaven in the beams of the 
 
 mornmg sun. 
 
 DR. MAGINlSr says that no cigar-smoker ever committed 
 suicide ; but we guess that many a one's wife has wished 
 he would. 
 
 i* T DON'T think, madam, that your inland manners would 
 i suit me." " Probably they wouldn't, sir ; yours are 
 very outlandish." 
 
 HOW may a man always become four-handed f By 
 doubling his two fists. 
 
 »-•-« — 
 
 MANY writers profess great exactness in punctuation, 
 who yet never make a point. 
 
 4 N Illinois editor, old but not venerable, assails us with a 
 -^ sarcasm borrowed from a dead writer. When an old 
 fellow has lost his own teeth, he is, perhaps, excusable for 
 using dead people's to bite with. 
 
P K E N T I C E A N A . 153 
 
 WE see that considerable quantities of maple sugar are 
 made in California. So there are sapjpers as well as 
 miners in that State. 
 
 »a a 
 
 ACORRESPOXDEXT of the " Richmond Enquirer " 
 seems in great doubt which of tw^o candidates his party 
 ought to run for the Presidency. " Stranger, which of 
 these two roads is the best ?" said a traveller to a chap by 
 the wayside. " There isn't much difference — take which 
 you will, and, before you have got half-way, you'll wish you 
 had taken t'other." 
 
 »-0-'0 
 
 AXEW YORK paper says that suicide is becoming 
 alarmingly prevalent in that city. We fear there are 
 few cities where it could prevail wath greater advantage to 
 the world at laroce. 
 
 ¥E are satisfied that the reason wdiy girls are in the 
 habit of pouting out their lips is because they are 
 always willing that theirs should meet ours half-way. 
 
 FLOWERS fling their wealth upon the vacant air, and 
 rich men often fling theirs upon the vacant heir. 
 
 THE " Union " says that Gen. Cass is " proverbially equa- 
 ble in his feelings." Those who are aware wdth what 
 uniform fury he rages for war upon all occasions, must 
 acknowledge that his feelings are very equable. "My 
 W'ife," said an unfortunate husband, " is the most even-tem- 
 pered person I ever saw ; she's always mad." 
 
 MARTIN LUTHER says that "the birds of the air 
 preach faith to us." We suppose that only the mala 
 birds are preachers. The females belong to the lay class. 
 
154 PKENTICEANA. 
 
 A FELLOW stole a pair of Nankin pantaloons from a 
 tailor's shop in Louisville the other day, and ran. The 
 tailor pursued him and recovered the pantaloons. Tlie 
 knight of the goose and shears did what the British didn't 
 in the Chinese war — he captured Xankin. 
 
 rj^'IIE editor of a political paper says, sarcastically, that at 
 
 -■- any rate, he doesn't devote more than half his time to 
 
 tclUng falsehoods. We presume he devotes the other half 
 
 to denying truths. 
 
 ©-•-• 
 
 THE more liquor a man drinks the thirstier he grows. 
 Like a craft left by the tide upon the beach, he gets 
 
 higJi and dry. 
 
 •-•-• 
 
 ^^ T ANDLORD, you do me too much honor ; you let me 
 -Li sleep among the Big Bugs last night." " Oh, don't 
 be too modest, my dear lodger, I doubt not they have your 
 own blood in their veins." 
 
 *' TJUSBAND, I ^\-ish you would buy me some pretty 
 
 -L-L feathers." " Indeed, my dear little wife, you look 
 
 better without them." " Oh, no, sir ; you always call 
 
 i))e your little bird, and how does a bird look without 
 
 feathers ?" 
 
 »-•-• 
 
 '' riOME, don't be proud," said a couple of silly young 
 ^ roysterers to two gentlemen ; '' sit down and make 
 yourselves our equals." " We should have to blow our 
 brains out to do that." 
 
 SEVERAL graceless fellows have written their names 
 upon the tomb at Mt. Vernon. Ah, ye miscreants, the 
 world would rather see your names upon your own tombs 
 than upon Washington's. 
 
PKENTICEANA. 155 
 
 VN Indiana paper says that a scientific farmer in that 
 State has succeeded in obtaining a grain, seeming to 
 partake equally of the nature of wheat and barley. He 
 must have used a cross-grained process. 
 
 -«-*- 
 
 iiX'^OU'LL MU yourself, smoking so much, husband." 
 1 " Indeed, wife, I must use the weed." " Oh, very 
 well, I guess I shall have occasion for weeds myself, pretty 
 soon." 
 
 U TJAYE you ever seen a mermaid, commodore ?" " I've 
 -tl seen a good many Jish-women, madam." . 
 
 -♦ o » 
 
 1[EX could afford, like grasshoppers, to spend the whole 
 -i-'J- summer in singing, if, like grasshoppers, they needed 
 no food in winter. 
 
 t • 
 
 ii TT^HY don't you ask your sweetheart to marry you ?'* 
 
 m' "I have asked her." " What did she say ?" " Oh, 
 
 I've the refusal of her." 
 
 -•-•-•- 
 
 TT^EROCITT is sometimes assumed, as well as gentleness. 
 -L There are as many sheep in wolves' clothing as there 
 are wolves in sheep's. 
 
 > • 
 
 OXE of the very best of all earthly possessions is self- 
 possession. 
 
 -♦-•-•- 
 
 OXE swallow, to be sure, doesn't make a summer ; but 
 ton mnnv swallows make a fall. 
 
 too many swallows make a fall. 
 
 -•-•- 
 
 TDIIDITY in a young man is better than cool impudence. 
 'Tis a pity the ladies won't thmk so. 
 
15(5 PKENTICEANA. 
 
 rjlIIE Whig leaders hereabouts had better look out. We shall wake 
 X the rascals up in a few days. — Locofoco jmper. 
 
 You wake up a great rascal every mornmg. 
 
 THE *' Washington Union " says that Gen. Cass's letter to 
 the Chicago Convention " is, to be sure, very short." 
 At all events, it is so long that we doubt whether he and 
 his friends will ever see the end of it. 
 
 ¥HATEVER may have been the facts in the Louisville case, no 
 explanation can alter the opinion of thoughtful and unpreiu- 
 diced men ; and this will be, that associations to put down for- 
 eigners can only result in tumult and bloodshed. — Boston Atlas. 
 
 If foreigners will shoot and murder because they are 
 voted against^ it is a miserable reason why they should be 
 voted /br. 
 
 •'-9^* • 
 
 ri EN. CASS and Gen. Taylor have both been for many 
 ^ years in the public service. During all that time, Tay- 
 lor has been distinguished for extra service^ and Cass for 
 extra pay. 
 
 WEEP and be comforted. The gloom of the skies dis- 
 solves in rain, and that of the heart in tears. 
 
 ALOCOFOCO editor in Indiana offers to loan us \ copy 
 of the Bible. We have good reason to think that he 
 loaned his only copy when he was very young, and has 
 
 never got it back. 
 
 . — •-•^» — 
 
 rpiIE "Pennsylvania Democrat" acknowledges that Mi. 
 J- M. R. Sute, a Democrat, will vote for Taylor. A good 
 many other Democrats wi^foUow Sute. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 157 
 
 THE " Washington Union " undertakes to say what Gen. 
 Cass would " allow " and what he would " not allow " 
 if he were President. It is hard to say w^hat he wouldn't 
 " allow." If he is remarkable for anything, it is for " extra 
 allowances." 
 
 TAKE one letter from Taylor and you have Tyler. — 0/iio States- 
 man. 
 
 Take one letter from Cass, and what sort of an animal 
 
 have you ? 
 
 »-»-• — 
 
 STILL another life of Gen. Cass has just been published. 
 This makes the seventh. Give him two more. A loco- 
 foco candidate ought not to be behind a cat. 
 
 IN Belmont and Harrison there will not be more than half a crop* 
 of Whigs this faU. — Cincinnati Enquirer. 
 
 If locofocoism fails to produce a good crop next year, it 
 w^ill not be for the want of deep planting. We shall put it 
 six feet under ground in November. 
 
 A 
 
 N" Indiana paper calls the editor of the 
 
 "the funniest dog alive." We do not know whetlier 
 he is a funny dog, but he certainly is a very great one. 
 
 THE "Xorth American" says that "Mr. , the 
 actor, has exhibited a great deal of bad feeling." It 
 might be said that he has exhibited a great deal of bad 
 acting, 
 
 •-e^-t 
 
 TWO men, strangers to each other, got into a dispute upon 
 the highway. "I will let you know, sir, that I am Mr. 
 Hodge !" exclaimed one of them, threateningly. " Oh, 
 well, I am equal to several of you ; I am Mr. Hodges.'^'' 
 
158 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 s 
 
 IXCE Taylor became President, the "Louisville Journal " has 
 O revolved completely around on some points. — Southern Mer- 
 cury. 
 
 No wouder you tliiiik, from the execution the Journal is 
 doing, that it is a " revolver." 
 
 rrilE editor of the " Sentinel " says that nothing has re- 
 J- cently turned w^ in his neighborhood. We should think 
 that noses would turn up wherever he goes. 
 
 '' TJOW do you do?" exclaimed a gentleman, seizing a 
 -LA lady's hand and squeezing it rather rudely. "Oh, I 
 am suffering from the pressure^ sir." 
 
 i^ YITILL you stand my second?" said a gentleman, who 
 ' ' proposed to fight a duel. " No, indeed — for you 
 wouldn't stand a second yourself." 
 
 IF lightning rods do not actually take the lightning fi-om 
 the clouds, they at least take the fear of it from timid 
 hearts. 
 
 FOWLS seem exceedingly grateful for the gift of cold 
 water. They never swallow a drop of it without turn- 
 ing up their eyes to heaven. 
 
 ^^ 00 I see, Will, that you have got a moustache." '' Oh, 
 ^ yes. Jack ; I have got to be a WLll-o'-the-^o^5/)." 
 
 ALL our Arctic explorers have enjoyed one important 
 advantage: in their deadliest perils they always keep 
 cool. 
 
PBENTICEANA. 159 
 
 A miEXD that you have to buy won't be worth what 
 Ii. joii pay for him — no matter how httle that may be. 
 
 rPHE editor of the , since we have known him, has 
 
 -^ striven successively to ingratiate himself with three 
 different parties. He is anxious to be important in some 
 party, but doesn't care at all what one. " Molly, are you 
 happy ?'' said a deacon to a rather weak sister. " Yes, 
 deacon, I feel as thougrh I should like to be in Beelzebub's 
 bosom." " Xot m Beelzebub's, sister ?" " Well, some one 
 of the old patriarchs', I don't care which." 
 
 THE "Richmond Enquirer," speakmg of Mr. Polk'3 
 political history, says that he was nearly, or quite, per- 
 fect. No doubt Mr. Polk was very perfect in his way. 
 "Whatever God has made is perfect," said a western 
 preacher to his hearers. " What do you think of me ?" said 
 a hunchback, rising and exhibiting his own deformity. 
 " Why, that you are as perfect a hunchback as I ever saw." 
 
 A SOUTHERN paper says that "the only way to a 
 northern man's sensibilities is through his pocket." 
 We well remember, that, after the great Pittsburg fire, 
 three times as much money was contributed for the sufferers 
 by the city of Boston alone as by the whole State of South 
 Carolina. Such facts show, that, if there is a way to the 
 sensibilities of northern men through their pockets, there is 
 also a Avay to their pockets through their sensibilities. 
 
 4 QUILL has been defined by somebody as an instrument 
 -^ taken from the pinion of one goose to spread the 
 opinions of another. We may add that the gabble of the 
 first goose is very often more tolerable than that of the 
 second. 
 
160 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 rrilE editor of the " Union " tells what sort of epitaph ho 
 •^ would have inscribed on his tombstone. The public care 
 very little what epitaph is written over him, so it be done 
 soon. 
 
 THE editor of the Point Coupee paper says, that, while he 
 was lately sitting in his bachelor's hall with his devil, a 
 large rattlesnake fell upon the floor near his feet. His 
 bachelor's hall is no doubt destined to remain a bachelor's 
 hall. No sensible woman would think of going in with a 
 locofoco editor, a devil, and a snake. 
 
 A WESTERN hunter recently shot three times at a wolf 
 a hundred yards off, while the wolf sat and howled at 
 him. He complains that he didn't have an even chance ; he 
 fii'ed off-hand, while the wolf took a rest — on his tail. 
 
 SELFISHNESS sometimes works well. If Eve had only 
 eaten the whole apple, instead of sharing it with Adam, 
 human nature would have been evil only on the mother's 
 side. 
 
 IT costs men a great deal of trouble to exhibit constant 
 ill-nature, and they don't make anything by it. Why 
 should they be such fools as to work for nothmg ? 
 
 ii TJUSBAND, I must have some change to-day," " Well, 
 J-l stay at home and take care of the children — that will 
 be chanc:e enou2:h." 
 
 • fr -0 
 
 ^i T HAVEN'T another word to say, wife — I never dis- 
 J- pute with fools." " No, husband, you are very sure to 
 agree with them." 
 
PEENTICEANA. 161 
 
 4 X American writer says that asses are the most vilified 
 -^ of all animals. "We believe that foxes are the most run 
 down. 
 
 1)0SITI01sr is something, but not everything. The eyes 
 are in the rear of the nose, but can see much further 
 til an it can smell. 
 
 IF " all the world's a stage," many a chap of our acquamt- 
 ance would hke mightily to be the stage-driver. 
 
 'l/fAXY a man keeps on drinking till he hasn't a coat to 
 -L'J- either his back or his stomach. 
 
 ii TJOW does real estate sell m your town?" "Oh, it's 
 aJ- as cheap as du"t." 
 
 ALOCOFOCO postmaster in New Hampshire named 
 Day has been charged with malfeasance in office. He 
 has called upon his locofoco clerks as witnesses. Of course 
 they are expected to lie for him. That is no doubt the 
 order of the Day. 
 
 WE do not know whether the editor of the gets 
 adequately paid in this world for his lying, but he will 
 be pretty sure to get his fuel for it in the next. 
 
 THE " Albany Evening Journal " says that the locofoco 
 party, notwithstanding its coalition with the negroes, is 
 destmed to speedy dissolution. If that party expires in the 
 lovino- embrace of the blacks, the verdict of the coroner's 
 jury must be — died in the wool. 
 
162 P K E N T I C B A X A . 
 
 1 
 
 X those hard times " many a good tall fellow " is always 
 " short:'' 
 
 THE editor of the has undertaken to laugh at us 
 for placing ourselves, when indisposed, under the care 
 of a Thompsonian doctor. Just now he himself goes for 
 th;: homoeopathic practice. He has, at various times, tried 
 {ill sorts of medical treatment except one, and we advise him 
 to try that. " Doctor," said a very slovenly-looking j^atient, 
 " I have tried everything I could think of for this rheuma- 
 tism, and without the least effect." The doctor, surveying 
 him for a moment, asked if he had ever tried a clean shirt. 
 
 ONE of the locofoco letter-writers sneers at General Tay- 
 lor's wife. He speaks of her as " well enough for the 
 wife of an old farmer." Perhaps it is not strange that 
 these treasury-rats have an antipathy to the wife of the 
 patriotic old farmer-President. Probably said rats have in 
 mind the fate of the three blind mice — 
 
 *' The farmer's wife, 
 
 She cut off their tails with a carvinpr-knife." 
 
 THE " Advertiser " contains a long valedictory from its 
 late editor Shadrack Penn. Shadrack, after a residence 
 of twenty-three years as an editor in this city, goes to spend 
 the rest of his life and lay his bones in St. Louis. Well, he 
 has our best wishes for his prosperity ; all the ill-will we 
 ever felt for him passed out long ago through our thumb 
 and fore-finger. His lot hitherto has been a most ungentle 
 one ; but Ave trust his life may prove akin to the plant that 
 besrins to blossom at the advanced aore of half a century. 
 May all be well with him here and hereafter ; for we should 
 be sorry if a poor fellow, whom we have been torturing 
 eleven years in this world, were to be handed over to the 
 d — 1 in the next. 
 
PEENTICEANA. 16-3 
 
 rpiE editor of the says that " cowhiding 
 
 J- involves a serious responsibility." It is a responsibility 
 which has rested frequently and heavily upon his shoulders. 
 
 THE Whigs are trying to break down Mr. Tyler that they may 
 build up the fame of Mr. Clay on the ruins. — Madisonian. 
 You might as well charge them with thinking to build up 
 a temple on the ruins of a chicken-coop. 
 
 n EX. WORTH is a Xew Yorker, and no Xew York 
 ^ paper expresses a doubt of his Whiggism. There may 
 be a good deal of merit among the Democratic officers and 
 soldiers of the army, but there is no Worth among them — 
 no general ^Yorth, and, so far as we know, no private 
 Worth. 
 
 IT seems to be the expectation of many of the locofoco 
 leaders to take Gen. Cass as the locofoco candidate for 
 the Presidency. It is amusing to think of a contest 
 between Gen. Cass and Gen. Taylor. The only military 
 feat of the one was to break his o^m sword in impotent 
 wrath, while the other has broken the sword and cloven the 
 shield of Mexico. 
 
 rrilE " Washington Union " says that " democracy and 
 -^ liberty are children of the same parent." If these child- 
 ren have the same father, their mothers must be about as 
 much alike as the mother of pearl and the mother of vine- 
 
 '-' »-»-« 
 
 4 YEHMOXT editor says that he is aware that his lan- 
 •^*- o-iiao-e is stron"". We have observed that he never 
 makes his word so strong but that he can break it without 
 the least difficulty. 
 
104 PRENTICE AN A. 
 
 THE people of the United States are sure to go the way he (the 
 editor of the Journal) doesn't. — Democrat. 
 
 There's no doubt that the editor of the Democrat always 
 tries to go the way we don't. We can at any time make 
 him go in whatever direction wx j^lease simply by inducing 
 him to think that we are going, or that we wish him to go 
 in the opposite direction. We should merely have to adopt 
 the tactics of the Irish pig-driver, who, w^ith the greatest 
 facility drove his pig to Cork by pretending to the little 
 brute that he washed to drive him to Kilkenny. 
 
 THE editor of the " Washington Union " promises to " put 
 to rest all the stories discreditable to our generals hi 
 JMexico." We have seen very few such stories, and those 
 few can no doubt be easily " put to rest," as they have a 
 Pillow to repose on. 
 
 rpHE song of the poet, like that of his companion, the 
 ^ niirhtinirale, bursts sw^eetest from the bosom of the 
 
 wilderness. 
 
 OME old women and men grow bitter with age. The 
 more their teeth drop out the more biting they get. 
 
 fT'^HE editor of a New York paper apologizes to his readers 
 J- on account of " absence of nearly a w^eek from sickness." 
 We should like to be absent from sickness forever, and 
 wouldn't think of apologizing to anybody. 
 
 WE know a beautiful girl, w4io would prove a capital 
 speculation for a fortune-hunter of the right sort. 
 Her voice is of silver, her hair of gold, her teeth of pearl, 
 her cheeks of rubies, and her eyes of diamonds. 
 
PEE^'TICEANA. 165 
 
 ^!^0U had better nanje your children after the famous dead 
 -*- than the famous living. Till a man ceases to act, you 
 ^an't tell what sort of name he will leave behind him. 
 
 II 
 
 E is a first-rate collector, who can, upon all occasions, 
 collect his wits. 
 
 MISERS, who never use what they have, may justly be 
 compared to toads that have numberless " stools " and 
 aever sit on them. 
 
 OXE of our finest writers says that " the nightly dews 
 come do'^m upon us like blessings." How very difi*er- 
 ently the daily dues come down upon us in these hard 
 times. 
 
 '' T ^rOULD do anything to gratify you; I would go to 
 J- the end of the world to please you," said a fervent 
 lover to the object of his affections. " Well, sir, go there 
 and stay^ and I shall be pleased." 
 
 OXIFACE !" exclaimed a hunsrry traveller to his land- 
 
 B 
 lord, after several vam attempts to masticate a piece 
 
 of a rooster, " do you suppose that I can eat the old 
 
 scratcher himself P'' 
 
 \ XETV PIAVEX editor speaks of a storm which " roared 
 -^ so loud that you couldn't hear a dog bark." "We sup- 
 pose that the bark of the dogs, like an occasional bark off 
 the coast of Connecticut, was lost in the Sound. 
 
 "TT/'HEX a young man complains that a young lady has no 
 ' ' heart, it is a pretty certain sign that she at least has 
 his. 
 
106 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 1 
 
 T was suggested some time ago that Mr. Polk was deter- 
 mined to drive the Mexicans into the Pacific. From 
 his evident anxiety for peace, it is pretty clear that either 
 the Mexicans or the Americans have driven him into the 
 pacijic. 
 
 *' T GIVE my enemies no quarter," said a cross old fellow, 
 ■^ the other day. And that's just the way in which he 
 treats poor people ^vho ask charity of him. 
 
 MRS. JENNIE R., a danseuse in one of our western 
 theatres, is advertised to whirl around fifteen times on 
 one foot without stopping. She is a spinning-jenny. 
 
 A GEORGIA paper gives the names of five judges in that 
 State, worth half a million of dollars each. Georgia 
 has an independerd judiciary. 
 
 A 'WRITER in the "New York True Sun" is advising 
 the editor of the " Globe " to know himself. That's 
 advising him to form a very low acquaintance. 
 
 THE poor man, who travels with a pack on his back, is 
 generally far better than the black-leg who travels wdth 
 a pack in his pocket. 
 
 »-* o 
 
 N Indiana editor boasts that there is an understanding 
 between him and his neighbor. TVe think it very cer- 
 tain that they haven't got more than one between them. 
 
 A 
 
 GOVERNMENT that expends its principal means upon 
 a navy, must expect to have a henYY Jfoatin g debt 
 
PRE>-TICEAXA. 167 
 
 THE common opinion is that we should take good care of 
 children at all seasons of the year, but it is well enough 
 in winter to let them slide. 
 
 ,4 SCIEXTIFIC wiiter asks, "Wliy is there so much more 
 -^ Indian summer in the West than in the East ?" Does 
 not the learned dimce know that there are a hundred times 
 as many Indians in the West as in the East ? 
 
 11 TAXY people go through the world, hearing nothing and 
 -^'■1- seeing nothing. For all valuable purposes, theii' ears 
 are as deaf as an ear of corn and their eves as blind as the 
 eyes of a potato. 
 
 THERE is nothing that we hate more than hypocritical 
 weepers. We have stood and looked at such when we 
 half expected every tear, as it touched the earth, to crawl 
 off, a pert young crocodile. 
 
 ^^ "pLEASE turn your head a httle," said a beautiful nurse 
 J- to her male patient. " You have turned it already 
 dear madam." 
 
 TT/"HEX a man's heart ossifies, or turns to bone, he dies at 
 ' ' once ; but if it petrifies, or turns to stone, he invaria- 
 bly lives too long for any useful purpose. 
 
 ¥E hear that the editor of the " Enquirer " intends apply- 
 ing to Mr. Polk for a high office. But there is the 
 Senate in the way. He shoidd remember, that, if nomi- 
 nated for office, he will, like most of his own stories, require 
 confirmation. 
 
168 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 WE earnestly lioi^e that the human race is not physically 
 degenerating. And yet there are, we apprehend, very 
 ia^ full-chested people now-a-days. 
 
 WHILST we, the American people, rely upon our in- 
 stitutions to save ns, we should be careful to remem- 
 ber that they must rely on us to save them. 
 
 OLD friends often fall away from us as we grow old. 
 Even our teeth and hair are oftentimes no better than 
 other old friends in this respect. 
 
 THE " Philadelphia Ledger " says that Clay, Calhoun, and 
 Webster are behind the age. Then the age must be 
 tail foremost. 
 
 A LITTLE locofoco editor in Kentucky, who came here 
 about the time the people were calling a convention, 
 ascribes the calling of it entirely to his own influence. Mrs. 
 Partington, being rather late at church, entered as the con- 
 gregation were rising for prayers. " La !" said she, " how 
 very polite you are to rise on my account." 
 
 A WRITER, under the signature of Heroic Age, in the 
 "Washington Union," says he would as soon steal a 
 sheep as hold office under General Taylor. We have no 
 doubt that he would do either if he had a chance ; but, as 
 he has no chance for an office, we expect to hear of him in 
 the mutton line. 
 
 MR. F. has published another " card." This, we believe, 
 is the fifth or sixth that he has published in the last 
 two months. He can beat any man in Congress at cards. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 169 
 
 rr-IIE "N'ew York Globe" says that "Mr. Benton, in the 
 -*- hall of the Senate, rushed on Foote.'^'' Would anybody 
 expect the Missouri senator, in such a place, to rush on 
 horseback f 
 
 c » c 
 
 rpJIE editor of the " Mississippian " is advocating a plank- 
 -L road, but says that it cannot be made without the money. 
 Undoubtedly the money must be "planked" before the 
 road is. 
 
 -»~» e 
 
 \rESTERDAY the junior editor of the "Democrat" called upon 
 X the senior editor of the "Journal" to welcome him back to 
 Kentucky. The senior aforesaid gave the junior before-mentioned 
 a chair — full-grown, minus two legs — to sit in. To sit in ! To 
 tumble out of! which he did without an effort. No bones broken, 
 and matters compromised. — Louisville Democrat. 
 
 "Well, you and the chair had four legs between you, 
 which certainly should have been enough to stand upon. 
 If you insist that we gave you the fall, you must at least 
 admit, in justice to our magnanimity, that we didn't hit you 
 after you were do-wn. 
 
 •-9-9 
 
 IF Professor Webster is hung, let others take the responsibility. 
 We vrash our hands of it. — Globe. 
 
 Those to Avhom the responsibility of hanging Webster 
 belongs are no doubt perfectly willing to bear it. How- 
 ever, your washing your hands is an operation that will do 
 you no manner of harm. Please think of your face at the 
 same time. 
 
 THE "Lexington Statesman" says that Mr. M., at a late 
 political meeting in that city, took a pitcher left on the 
 stand by the Whig candidate, smelt at it, and, finding it to 
 be whisky, made a wry mouth at it. The " Statesman" 
 doesn't spell the word " wry " correctly in this case. Mr. 
 M. makes a rye mouth whenever he gets within smell of 
 " old rye," 
 
 8 
 
170 PKENIICEANA. 
 
 i LL owv troubles are attribatable to our rule of telling the truth, 
 jljL — Madison Courier. 
 
 Yes, that's always the case with you Democratic editors. 
 Now 'tis no trouble at all for us to tell the truth. 
 
 IT may be very pleasant to slip a halter from a horse's neck and 
 to steal the animal, but if by so doing you slip your own pre- 
 cious neck into a halter, quite another feeling comes over you.— 
 Louisville Journal. 
 
 How d'ye know ? — Exchange. 
 
 AYe know it from the fact, that, whenever we have put 
 our hand upon your cravat and given it a smart twist, you 
 looked in the face as if a throttled man's sensations mu^it 
 be awfully uncomfortable. Of course we couldn't know 
 anything from your tongue's hanging out of your mouth, 
 for that never tells the truth. 
 
 ALOTJISYILLE editor thmks he couldn't get along 
 without us in Louisville. We are sure he couldn't; 
 what would those little creatures that devote all their ener- 
 gies to barking at the moon do if the moon were to pass to 
 another sky ? 
 
 JOIIIn Y. B., in his last letter upon the fugitive slave law. 
 says — " If I should be seized under this law, I should 
 resist it with all the means I could command." We hope 
 that any southerner, who may consider John as his 
 property, will bear this in mind whenever he shall make an 
 effort to recover his chattel. 
 
 F it were the interest of Whiggery, the mutuals would all swear 
 that the man in the moon was the second Washington, and that 
 Prentice was to be his successor. — Democrat. 
 
 From the manner in which the Democrats bark at us, we 
 suspect they take us for the man in the moon already. 
 
PEENIICEAXA. 171 
 
 rrnE proprietors of the "Louisville Journd " have been so well, 
 J. aud we may say deservedly, patronized, as to enable tliem to 
 nc'i only enlarge their sheet, but to farnisli themselves with type 
 of unsurpassed beauty, and, withal, to bestow upon it such labor as 
 to make it compare favorably in appearance with any other paper 
 in the West or in the Union ; while as regards matter it is not ex- 
 celled by any paper East or West. — BelleHlle {III.) EepuUlcan. 
 
 We scarcely know, dear sii", how to thank you suiii- 
 ciently. We wish you were the son of the President of 
 the Uuited States, and we were your father. 
 
 ¥E have put a couple of questions repeatedly to our 
 neighbor, and he declines to respond. His readers are 
 beginning seriously to fear that he is not resjyonsible. 
 
 THE editor of the gives a satisfactory reason for 
 declining to answer our questions as to his opinions in 
 regard to secession. He says "a fool can ask a question, 
 hut it takes a wise man to answer.-' If fools could only 
 answer as well as ask, he would no doubt respond without 
 hesitation. He says that we ourselves decline answ^ering 
 the very questions we have put to him. Most certainly 
 we do. Those questions are in regard to kis beliefs and we 
 do not think that even a wise man can tell what a fool 
 believes. 
 
 THE Xew York "Evening Post " says that a man " can- 
 -^ not be active and quiescent at the same time." There 
 may be some doubt of that. Some fello^vs bustle about 
 terribly and yet lie still. 
 
 THE editor of the " :N'orth Carolina Whig " says that he 
 is sick in bed and cannot wn-ite. We know how to sym- 
 pathize w-ith hira. Our neighbor of is a living evi- 
 dence of the fact that we cannot lorlte lying down. 
 
172 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 w 
 
 ILL the eJitor of the "Louisville Journal " take up cm gloTel 
 — Argus. 
 Oh yes. Give us a pair of tongs. 
 
 OUK neighbor says that he holds the right of a State lo 
 secede, but " denies the right of a State to make a 
 cursed fool of herself.'' He admits that South Carolina, in 
 seceding, would be making a cursed fool of herself; and 
 hence he appears to be very inconsistent in contending for 
 her right to secede, and yet denying her right to make a 
 cursed fool of herself. In taking such a position, he cer- 
 tainly seems to be assummg a right for himself that he 
 denies to South Carolina. 
 
 THE " Richmond Enquirer " calls Mr. Webster a candi- 
 date for the Presidency, and says that the most magnifi- 
 cent dinners were given him wherever he went in his late 
 tour. We apprehend, that, if Gen. Cass were to make the 
 same tour, he would be entertained far less magnificently 
 — he would be treated to little else than cold shoulder. 
 
 E understand the Hon. C. L. D. says we have abused 
 him. Well, haven't we as good a right to abuse him, 
 as he has to abuse the franking privilege ? 
 
 ¥ 
 
 Two young ladies, living m the lower part of the city, appeared 
 yesterday on the street in Turkish costume. The inspector was 
 very remiss, as unfortunately one of the wearers had a prodigious 
 hole in the heel of her stocking, which displayed a foot by no 
 means a la chiiwise — Democrat. 
 
 A correspondent incloses this to us and asks if we can 
 tell why the lady in question was like a lady without any 
 etockings at all. We cannot, unless it is because, as the 
 Yankees say, she hadn't a darned stocking to her foot. 
 
P K E N T I C E A N A . 1T3 
 
 nillE editor of the " Northern Pilot " imdertakes to ad- 
 J- vise US what to do in case we are ever indicted for 
 crime. "VVe advise him^ if he ever finds himself in such a 
 predicament, to plead guilty. He is such a notorious liar 
 that the court would be sure to discharge him as not guilty. 
 
 ri^'HE " Columbia (S. C.) Telescope," a fierce disunion 
 -*- paper, seems getting a little discouraged. One of the 
 correspondents exclaims — " Where is the fire that recently 
 burned throusrhout South Carolina?" We really don't 
 know, but we presume the fire-eaters have eaten it up. 
 
 TIHE editor of " Journal " keeps a suspicions eye upon all he sees 
 hewing wood or drawing water. It wakes up his anticipations 
 of bis future employment. It is thought he will cut siiclc and run 
 on the fifth of August. — Democrat. 
 
 We rather think, that, w^hen you see us cutting stick, 
 
 you will run yourself. 
 
 »-©-• 
 
 ALL the wisdom and honesty we possess are required for the 
 times. — Washington Press. 
 Is it possible, poor, dear sir, that all your wisdom and 
 honesty are required for the times ? What a ti'emendous 
 demand for wisdom and honesty the times must have ! 
 
 rrHE editor of the " Boston Courier " says that he saw 
 -^ " three Bloomers " in the streets of that city last week. 
 We see scores of bloomers in the streets of Louisville every 
 day — girls in the bright bloom of youth and beauty. 
 
 OIJR neighbor charges us with having an astonishing 
 amount of faith. We have not faith enough to believe 
 one word he says 
 
ITifc PEENTICEANA. 
 
 4 WRITER in the " ISTortli Carolina Sentinel " expresses 
 A a \vi.sh that the devil had all the Disunion traitors. 
 We can't see wliat the devil is to do with them. They are 
 all such lire-eaters that they would eat him out of house 
 and home. 
 
 THE Democracy always fight better under a pressure. — Cincin- 
 nati Enquirer. 
 
 When Milton's angels, in their fight with the devils, 
 piled hills and mountains on them, the poor devils couldn't 
 " fight under a pressure " at all. 
 
 JOHN Robmson, the editor of a Locofoco paper in Michi- 
 gan, says that " it is very easy to tell who is the most 
 knavish politician in the United States." We admit that it 
 is just as easy to tell, as it is to say " JacJc Bobinson:^ 
 
 THE editor of the boasts that he " fights ver- 
 min with their own weapons." Of course he means, 
 that, when vermm bite him, he l>itps them. One hardly 
 know whether he or his vermin lnuo the daintiest eating. 
 
 rrHE editor of the " Trader " says that he should be 
 
 J- very rehictant to exchange characters with any Whig 
 
 editor. This fellow, that thus talks of swapping characters, 
 
 is as cool in his impudence as the fellow who, while trudg- 
 
 hig along on foot, hailed a gentleman on horseback to know 
 
 how he would swap horses. " Wliy, sir, you have no 
 
 horse," said the gentleman. " But siq^jwse I had one, how 
 
 would you swap?" 
 
 »■©-• — 
 
 mnE locofoco papers now call their party " the progressive 
 -i- Democracy." It may well be called " progressive," for 
 it is going fast. 
 
pkentic£a>:a. 175 
 
 A PARTY of our friends, last week, chased a fox tliiity-six 
 ^ hours. They actually " ran the thmg into the ground." 
 
 TiHE " Pennsylvania Keystone," in abusing Mr.' Clay's 
 personal appearance, says that he has " a large and 
 uo-lv mouth." That is a feature cf Mr. C.'s face, which 
 needs no defence. It speaks for itself. ^^ 
 
 niHE editor of the " Madisoniau " says that he shall soon 
 -*- tell what he knows. It wiil not take him loner. 
 
 THE New York " Plebeian " says that the AThigs are 
 destined to be devoured bodily by the Democrats in less 
 than six months. Well, if such is to be our destiny, we 
 must submit to it. It is the fate of all mortals to be eaten 
 by worms, sooner or later. 
 
 THE editor of the " Xew Hampshire Democrat," J. H. 
 Role, asks whether "the silly Whigs will again put 
 their big ball in motion." We rather think the smart ones 
 will. The bawling of the Role will not prevent the rolling 
 
 of the ball. 
 
 »«« — 
 
 rpHE " Richmond Enquirer " says that Mr. Clay and Mr. 
 -A- Van Buren have very unequal degrees of strength. 
 Xo doubt of it. Mr. Clay has strength enough to beat his 
 enemies, and Mr. Van Buren just enough to beat his 
 friends. 
 
 THE " Democratic Crisis," a locofoco paper at Carrollton, 
 has just div^d of starvation. We may expect that a 
 great many hungry locofoco papers, about these days, for 
 ll-.e want of som.et.hing better to bite, will "bite the dust." 
 
K<> PRENTICK^NA. 
 
 THE '* Globe" tliiuks that it is about timo for Johu Tyler 
 ^ to make Lis " political will." Considering the amomu 
 of his political goods and chattels, we think he might make 
 a will like that of Rabelais — ^'' I oioe niuch^ I ^jossess 
 nothing^ I give the rest to the poor. ''^ 
 
 A PAPER charges us with running down our own State, 
 ■^*- good old Connecticut. We are not in the habit of 
 running down Connecticut, and we never did run down any 
 portion of her except her hills. We think we did use to 
 run down some of them in our boyhood, and we feel as if 
 we should like to do it a'xain. 
 
 'O' 
 
 .. R. BAGG, of the "Free Press, took strong ground at 
 -^'J- first in favor of the Texas treaty. This Bagg, like 
 many other bags, is getting mealy rnoutJiech 
 
 TX Philadelphia, on the night of the 27th, a fellow named 
 -»- Suttle, passing along the street, tried to get a watch 
 from a jeweler's window. The watch got him. 
 
 TTfMY is Gen. Taylor Hke fortune?— i\r Y, Globe. 
 
 We can tell you why Cass's face is like misfortune. It 
 " never comes single." 
 
 rrHE editor of the " Statesman " says that we charge him 
 J- with habitual falsehood, but do not furnish the proof 
 That's all right. We make the charge and he furnishes the 
 proof himself. 
 
 I^IIE locofoco papers used to call Mr. Van Buren the 
 - " sage of Lindenwald." They are now beginning to 
 think that th.eir sage is nothing but wormwood. 
 
PEE XT ICEAiTTA. 177 
 
 1T7T see that a couple of fools in Virginia are talking 
 ' ' " about a duel on horseback." K they must fight, they 
 should be compelled to fight on foot. They have no right 
 to endanger the lives of their betters. 
 
 OITt political friends are gettir.g on swimmingly. — Fenmylcan- 
 ian. 
 Xo doubt they will get on " swimmingly " after the 7th 
 of November, for they will all be overboard. 
 
 ACORRESPOXDEXT ofthe " Xorth American," says 
 that old 3Ir. R., in his own opinion, " sustains the world 
 upon his head." We have often heard that the world 
 sta7ids upon nothing. 
 
 I 
 
 T is true that the Democrats go for more land. — Fennsyhanian. 
 
 The DemocratvS must be very much distressed to find, 
 
 that, whilst going for more land, they are losing ground 
 
 every day, 
 
 »-•-• 
 
 fTHE " Boston Post " thinks that Gen. Taylor has been 
 -i- " swamped in Georgia." He was " swamped" in Florida 
 month after month in the Seminole war, but he fought as 
 well in the swamps of the South as in the mountain gorges 
 of Mexico. 
 
 rp "^Ey TY-SIX young ladies, who are on tneir way to the "West, 
 _L accompanied by Gov. Slade, of Vermont, to engage in teaching, 
 arrived in Rochester on Monday of last week. — Baltimore Clipper. 
 Generally speaking, the pretty Yankee girls, who come 
 out to the VTest to engage in public teaching, do very little 
 in that way. Instead of teaching other people's children, 
 C-ey soon get to teaching their own. 
 
178 PKEKTICEANA. 
 
 rriilE "Boston Post" says that " rennsylvania appears to 
 -^ be a bad bank bill." At any rate it has been redeemed. 
 
 THE " Washington Union " boasts that " the money 
 expended in the Mexican war is not lost." Oh, no, not 
 lost at all. A worthy gentleman, whilst having a house 
 built, observed large quantities of nails lying about, and 
 said to the carpenter, " why don't you take care of these 
 nails? they'll certainly be lost." " No, indeed," replied the 
 carpenter, " you'll find them all in the hllV^ 
 
 ¥E see it announced that Henry Stone, an influential 
 Democrat of Berks County, Pa., has turned Whig. 
 The Whigs must manage to turn the rest of the family. No 
 Stone must be left unturned. 
 
 THE country is filled with thousands of leg treasurers whose 
 breeches pockets are loaded with the spoils. — Buffalo Journal. 
 
 The leg-treasm-ers are like guns — when their breeches are 
 loaded they generally go off. 
 
 THE " Washington Union " speaks of " the great differ- 
 ence between Gov. Manly of North Carolina and the 
 Governor of South Carolina." The great difference be- 
 tv/een the two is that one is manly and the other isn't. 
 
 THE editor of the " Republican" thinks that there will be 
 a very poor set of ofiice-holders under the new adminis- 
 tration. In that event, there may be a very tolerable chance 
 for him. We suppose he remembers the letter written by 
 a young fellow in the West to his father at the East : " Dear 
 Dad, almighty mean men get ofiice here ; you had better 
 come out immediately." 
 
PREXTICEANA. 179 
 
 T3E editor of the " Washington Union " assnres the "Whigs that 
 they need not be afraid of him and his paper. — Baltimore Clip- 
 per. 
 
 ^YTiilst an old woman was walking through one of the 
 streets of Paris at midnight, a patrol called out, " who goes 
 there." " It is I, patrol, don't be afraid." 
 
 ¥E venture to say you would never consider President Taylor's 
 pledges violated if he turned out fifty Democrats per day for 
 their political opinions and notfdng else. — Sentinel. 
 
 There's nothing on earth except the truth that you would 
 not " venture to say." 
 
 DULL writers should be careful not to steal brilliant pas- 
 sages, lest the brilliancy betray them by the contrast. 
 A fellow stole a fish in the market-place and slipped it 
 under his vest. A gentleman, meeting him, as he passed 
 out, and seeing several inches of the tail below his vest, ad- 
 vised him either to wear a longer jacket or to steal a 
 shorter fish. 
 
 4 DAXDT with a huge beard offered himself to a young 
 ■^ lady, who refused him, on the ground that she would 
 never marry such a 5e«7'-flxced creature. The dandy at 
 once had his physiognomy clean shaved, and renewed his 
 application ; but the girl again refused him, on the ground 
 that he was now more Jare-faced than before. 
 
 4 WRITER in a Missouri paper under the signature 
 j\ u Y. y,^" recommends a government tax on the 
 " Louisville Journal." The two Y Y's, who isn't too wise 
 (although his proposition would undoubtedly raise a large 
 revenue), doesn't say whether he would have the paper 
 taxed as a luxury or as a necessity — perhaps both. 
 
180 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 '' A RUFFIAN shot at me last night," said a penurioua 
 -^ gentleman, " and my life was saved by the ball strik- 
 ing a silver dollar in my pocket." *' Whoever takes true 
 aim at your heart is very certain to hit a dollar," said one 
 who knew him. 
 
 ^^ Tf^^^ ^^ you like my new turn-out ?" said an ex-oifice 
 J-J- holder, calling attention to his fine equipage. " Bet- 
 ter no doubt than you liked the one the government lately 
 gave you," replied an acquaintance. 
 
 N the swamps of Louisiana, a few days ago, a catamount 
 leaped from a tree and attacked Mr. William Kenny. 
 The animal didn't prove a Kill-kenny cat. 
 
 ALL the cases that come before a certain New York 
 judge are actually decided by lot ; he is an able and 
 impartial jud^e and his name — is Lott. 
 
 7F women were jurors, as some of them claim that they 
 ^ ought to be, what chance would you ugly old fellows 
 stand when indicted ? 
 
 ¥E think that our neighbor gives strong indications of 
 deserting the filibuster cause. He doesn't stick to any- 
 thing. He is like the new post-office stamps — even licking 
 him will not make him stick. 
 
 /^IJR neighbor suggests that we have never noticed his 
 ^ evening paper. We feel deeply penitent for our neg- 
 lect. His little sheet appears to be very deserving. It 
 looks exactly like himself, hathig his ugliness; but an 
 Irishman would say that his ugliness is hard to hate. 
 
P E £ ^' T I C E A N A . 181 
 
 TT^E liave generally observed that a man bitten by a dcg, 
 '^ no matter whether the animal is mad or not, is apt to 
 ijet mad himself. 
 
 ^^ 
 
 E see that our Democratic friend Taylor, who is some- 
 times an actor and sometimes an editor, appeared some 
 time ago upon the Cincinnati boards in the character of 
 Tecumseh in the drama of that name, and it is said he set- 
 tled clearly and forever in favor of himself the old and oft- 
 heard question, " TTho killed Tecumseh .?" 
 
 THE " Xorth American " says that " it does not lie in the 
 mouths of locofoco demagogues to talk about "Whig 
 extravagance." We believe that everythmg lies in the 
 
 mouths of locofoco demagogues. 
 
 IF the editor of the isn't a rogue, he ought cer- 
 tainlv to brinir an action for slander ag-ainst his own 
 face. 
 
 4 LTHOUGH God deprived Adam of one of his ribs to 
 -^ make Eve, every man has still one more rib than his 
 wife, for he has her in addition to his others. 
 
 T is a suspicious circumstance, that, if a lady has a long 
 nose, it is almost invariably crooked. It has to be bent 
 slightly aside to admit of her being kissed ; and so it grows 
 awry. 
 
 -♦ » »- 
 
 THERE are many who say more than the truth on some 
 occasions, and balance the account with their con- 
 sciences bv savini? less on others. 
 
182 PRENTIOEANA. 
 
 A 
 
 STRAP is sometimes a very good thing to sharpen 
 razors and dull boys. 
 
 • • • — 
 
 l/rUCH smoking kills live men and cures dead swine. 
 
 fi EX. SCOTT whipped Santa Anna when he had but one leg. 
 vX Gen. Houston whipped him when he had two legs. — Cin, 
 Enquirer. 
 
 Exactly so, Gen. Scott whipped him when it was only 
 half as easy for the rascal to run away as it was when 
 
 Houston whipped him. 
 
 • » • — — 
 
 THREE years ago a man in Mississippi cheated us out of 
 twenty dollars, and now his son has cheated us out of 
 rhout the same sum. The young man's propensity to cheat 
 •^ probably the only thing he ever came honestly by. 
 
 ¥IIE"N' any one wants a really silly thing to he said, he should 
 apply hereafter to the " New York Courier and Enquirer."— 
 Washington Union. 
 
 VV^hen you want a really silly thing said, you can do the 
 work yourself. You can-t do anything else. 
 
 THE editor of the opposition organ at Washington seems 
 to have adopted Mr. as his pet. It is well 
 
 enough, we suppose, that every organ-grinder should have 
 his pet-monkey. 
 
 » o • 
 
 rpnE " New York Sun " announces that " all the vessels of the 
 JL Cuban expedition have sailed, and without doubt are at this 
 nioment hovering on the coast of Cuba." — Tribune. 
 
 They had better be satisfied with " hovering." They will 
 find it a great deal less perilous than alighting. 
 
P E E N T I C E A X A . 183 
 
 THE editor of the "Windsor Journar' — an obstinate sort of a 
 bachelor — learns that professors of dancing in Xew York have 
 recently introduced a ne-w style of cotillon called the " Kiss Cotil- 
 lon," the peculiar beauty of which is that you kiss the lady as you 
 swing the corners. — Qommonwealih. 
 
 We have been expecting this or something like it for 
 some time past. The great wonder now is (a wonder not 
 unmixed with apprehension) what next f 
 
 THE editor of the "Democrat " boasts of ha^dng received 
 a sack-coat as a present. We suppose the donor thought 
 the fellow had done what he should repent of in sackcloth. 
 
 THE news from almost every part of Mississippi is good. 
 Her governor's treasonable proclamation finds no sym- 
 pathetic response in the hearts of the masses. Mississippi, 
 it is true, repudiated the bonds of the Union Bank, but she 
 will not repudiate the bonds of the Union itself. 
 
 Q OME of the locofocos of Xew York have been boasting 
 ^ that Gen. Wool would be their candidate for Governor. 
 Gen. Wool, however, tells them that he will not be a candi- 
 date under any circiunstances. So this is a case of " great 
 cry and no TTooZ." 
 
 HE editor of a locofoco paper, speaking of Gen. Taylor's 
 horse, old Whitey, says: "Alas, poor beast!" If old 
 Whitey had the gift of speech, he might witli propriety 
 retort with the same words. 
 
 TTPOX a door in one of the departments at Washington is 
 J written, "no ofiice-seekers admitted here." A man 
 might as well put a notice over his bed in mosquito time, 
 " Stick no bills here." 
 
1S4 PBENTICEANA. 
 
 IVrOTWITHSTAXDIXG Gen. P.'s radicalism in politics, 
 JL^ we must do him the justice to say, that a more orderly, 
 peaceable citizen cannot be found in times of war. 
 
 nIT a man upon whatever part of his body you will, the 
 blow is sure to go against his stomach. 
 
 TLL-NATURED old maids seldom or never use sugar at 
 JL the tea-table. The reason probably is that scandal is a 
 sufficient sweetener of the dish. 
 
 I 
 
 T is said that a Chmaman, no matter where he finds him- 
 self, is never perplexed. He always has his cue. 
 
 ¥E don't know exactly what " the height of ambition " is, 
 but we have seen many fussy little specimens of it not 
 much more than five feet. 
 
 ill ANY a man, worth a million of dollars, is utterly icorth- 
 ■^A- less, 
 
 A HANDSOME young fellow in New York, in great dis- 
 tress for want of money, married last week a rich old 
 woman of seventy. He was no doubt miserable for the 
 want of money, and she for the want of a husband ; and 
 " misery makes strange bedfellows." 
 
 A MERCHANT of New York, largely in the shoe trade, 
 estimates the value of shoes annually sent to the South 
 from New York alone at $5,000,000. If the nonintercourse 
 system be adopted, this trade will be cut ofiT, and the people 
 of the South will have to go upon their own footing. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 185 
 
 THE spirits of some men seem proof against bad fortmie. 
 If they are afflicted with jaundice so badly that every- 
 thing looks yellow to them, they are happy in having always 
 before them a golden prospect. 
 
 TIIE Democrats of Clarion county, Pennsylvania, were thrashing 
 buckwheat on the day of the election instead of voting, as they 
 should have done.: — Louisville Democrat. 
 
 Smart fellows to be thrashing wheat whilst the Whisrs 
 were thrashing them. 
 
 TITE "Boston Post " calls the editor of the " Washington 
 Union" a " Dem-editor." Unquestionably he is a c?e//z 
 
 looor editor. 
 
 — »-©-• 
 
 A FEW days ago, the operators in a western foundry, not 
 being able to obtain an increase of compensation, 
 knocked their employer down. That was an unequivocal 
 " strike for hio-her waf^res." 
 
 A GREAT many persons keep their delicate hands covered 
 with the skins of young goats. Moreover, a great 
 many have their whole bodies covered with the skins of 
 goats oi just their own age. 
 
 iiTvOX'T you think," said a vain fellow, "that I am fit 
 -^ to be President of the United States or King of 
 Great Britain ?" " Xo, but you might make a Doge of 
 Venice if the title were only curtailed by a letter." 
 
 ACARPEXTER struck his creditor with the handle of 
 his broad axe for civilly requesting the payment of au 
 old debt. " Sir," said the creditor, " your acts are as uar^ 
 row as your axe is broad.*' 
 
186 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 A N editor in a neighboring city is charged with grossly 
 -^^ misrepresenting the condition of its streets. One would 
 think that an editor had better do almost anything else 
 than lie about the streets. 
 
 ALEY says, *' it is the aim that makes the man." If a 
 rufiian gets a good aim at him with a pistol, it is the aim 
 that ujimakes him. 
 
 ^^ A RE you still boarding, my friend ?" " No, I'm keep- 
 -^ ing house, I'm above hoards 
 
 A MISSISSIPPI paper says that Louisiana has a peifect 
 riirht to secede from the Union and establish an inde- 
 pendent government, but that she would have no right to 
 shut up the mouth of the Mississippi. Now if Louisiana 
 "svere an independent power, the mouth of the Mississippi 
 would belong to her ; and wouldn't she have a right to bhut 
 her own mouth f 
 
 THE fire-eater of the "Washington " Southern Press " says 
 that we seem to measure our respect for him by the 
 number of those w^ho agree with him. We believe that 
 nobody agrees with him, and we doubt if he ever agreed with 
 anybody. If a cannibal or an anaconda were to swallow 
 him, we doubt if he would agree with the man or the 
 snake, 
 
 THE "Albany Atlas" is terribly indignant because some- 
 body has said that Pierce was once "a wild colt." Wo 
 suppose Frank never was a colt, though we have certainly 
 heard of his descent from a horse.* 
 
 * Referring to General Pierce's falling from a horse during the Mex> 
 can War. 
 
PEENTICEANA. 187 
 
 HAD the Whigs established the t^o-tlJrds rule thej never would 
 have made a nomination at all. — Ohio Statesman. 
 
 Perhaps so. The Democrats established the two-thirds 
 rule, and made next to no nomination at all. 
 
 rPHE Democratic papers boast, that, when Mr. Polk 
 -■- signed General Pierce's commission as an officer in the 
 army, he said: '''' I am now commissioning a man loJio v:iU 
 he President one day.'''' Well, if there were any way of 
 making a compromise with our Democratic friends, we don't 
 know but we would consent to General Frank's being Presi- 
 dent " one day^'''' upon the condition of General Scott's being 
 allowed to fill the chair for the rest of the four years. Such 
 a partition would be about in proportion to the comparative 
 merits of the two candidates. 
 
 THE editor of the " Democrat " says that our chief em.ploy- 
 ment is " to ridicule the sufferings of General Pierce 
 upon tlie battle-field." Well, neighbor, we suppose we 
 ought not to do it. Some men do suffer dreadfully upon 
 battle-fields, and they can't be punished for it under our 
 laws, as it is strictly constitutional. 
 
 AWPJTEE, in the Xew York "Express" thinks that 
 " John Bull will bleed freely to defeat Scott and elect 
 Pierce." John bled very freely in the war of 1812 to defeat 
 Scott, but couldn''t do it. His blood ran freely, and then 
 he ran himself. 
 
 I)'DTLER, in his history of Kentucky, speaking of the 
 ^ Indian mode of warfare, says " they often make feints 
 to draw out the garrison." Perhaps the Democratic candi- 
 date for the Presidency wished to introduce this Indian 
 practice into Mexico. 
 
188 PEENTICEANA. 
 
 NEARLY the whole population of the country seem now 
 to be upon the Whig platform. The Whigs are stand- 
 ing on it, and the Democrats are lying on it. 
 
 SOME old Irishwoman abuses us in one of the city papers 
 under the sii^nature of "Anti Ilumbuo;." She is not 
 good at spelling. She should have \vritten her name Aunty 
 Humbug. But we have no time to bestow upon old Aunty. 
 
 A YOUNG lady sends us some verses, and says she knows 
 the metre is correct, as she has " counted the feet in 
 every line." But a genuine poetess need never count-her- 
 
 feet. 
 
 •«• — 
 
 A WRITER on ornithology inquires what kind of eagles 
 •^^ fly highest. We don't know; but unquestionably 
 golden eagles generally fly fastest. 
 
 ^^ [TAYEN'T you finished scaling that fish yet, Sam?" 
 ^^ " No, master, 'tis a very large one." " Oh, well, you 
 have had time to scale a mountain." 
 
 ^j^HE rhyming of silly boys and girls, and the whistling of 
 ^ the wind through a hollow tree, are equally signal in- 
 stances of " music caused by emptiness." 
 
 SOME men give as little light in the world as a tallow 
 farthing candle, and, when they expire, leave as bad an 
 odor behind them. 
 
 MR. T., of Georgia, says that he doesn't carry his prin- 
 ciples in his pocket. Perhaps he is afraid of pick- 
 pockets, and so carries them in a belt round his waist. 
 
PBEXTICEANA. 189 
 
 MAD bull broke loose last week in the streets of Cin- 
 -^^ ciniiati, and rushed furiously through a crowd of men 
 and boys. It was an instance of the knocking down of a 
 score of persons by a hull-rush. 
 
 rrilE editor of the says that we try hard to tell the 
 
 -A- truth and fail. He never comes so near tellmg the truth 
 as to let folks know he is trying. 
 
 THE editor of the " Washington Union " calls the battle 
 of Churubusco " a sharp conflict." We suspect it must 
 have been a little sharp, from the fact that Pierce fainted 
 just as he got to the edge of it. 
 
 THE " Cincinnati Enquirer " calls the Whigs " the foul 
 party." We thmk it must be the foicl party that elects 
 Mr. Ilenn to Congress in Iowa, and ado]3ts a rooster as its 
 
 emblem. 
 
 »-©-• — 
 
 IF Gen. Pierce was in the battle of Churubusco, he was 
 ashamed of the fact and tried to conceal it when he gave 
 his account of the affair. A general had certainly better 
 have been out of a fight than be ashamed of having been in 
 it. 
 
 A 
 
 LOCOFOCO clergyman in Xew Hampshire testified 
 that Frank Pierce is pious, but Frank's own organs in 
 that State seem to admit that he isn't. The Scriptures 
 command men to " pray and not to faint," but Frank faints 
 and doesn't pray. 
 
 rrilE " Xew Hampshire Patriot " says that Gen. Pierce 
 1 " is bold, frank, and manly." We don't think that h^ ia 
 either bold or manly, but we admit he is Frank. 
 
190 PRKNTICEANA. 
 
 IT (the " Louisville Journal ") seems to have forgotten that Scott 
 is afraid to speak. — Yeoman. 
 
 Gen. Scott afraid to spealz I Why, bless your simple 
 soul, he isn't afraid ioJigJit. 
 
 "TTTE feel that we can now go forward to our destination with 
 W nothing to obstruct our progress. — WasMngton Union. 
 
 We suppose you can. The New York papers say that 
 *' the obstructions at Hell-Gate have been all removed." 
 
 THE Whig party and Gen. Scott have been already compelled to 
 face the music. — AllegTiany Record. 
 
 Gen. Scott has faced all sorts of music. He has faced the 
 martial music of his country's enemies, the shrill tones of 
 the fife, the deep roll of the drum, the loud blast of the 
 trumpet, the thunder of the artillery, the fierce shout of the 
 onset, and the sharp, quick clash of steel. 
 
 rilHE editor of the " Kosciusko Sun " says that he " first 
 1 sent out his little bark three years ago." These small 
 canine editors are sending out their little barh every day of 
 their lives. 
 
 SENATOK. B. made a speech at Yazoo City on the 26th 
 ult. The "Yazoo City Whig," edited by a spirited 
 Whi<>- lady, reviews his speech and his political course with 
 great severity. We think poor B. may exclaim with Abi- 
 melech in the Sciiptures— " It will be said of me by all peo- 
 ple, that a woman slew me." 
 
 SOME time ago, Mr. Hawthorne wrote a story entitled 
 "The Miraculous Pitcher." His life of Pierce should 
 have been entitled The Miraculous lumhler. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 181 
 
 A CHAP who tells falsehoods so habiturJly as never to bo 
 ^^ able to deceive anybody, may thmk he has some excuso 
 for the habit. " My boy," exclaimed a deacon, " you do 
 very wrong to fish on Sunday." '' It can't be no harm, 
 deacon, I ain't catching nothing." 
 
 A X American writer, who has made quite a number of 
 -^ respectable translations, asks "what translation is the 
 best that was ever made ?" We think upon the whole that 
 we should rather give the preference to that of Enoch. 
 
 AXEW paper called the " Bowie Knife " has been estab- 
 Ushed in Texas. We know nothing as to the extent of 
 its circulation, but we suppose the editor can boast with 
 truth that nearly every man in his State carries a Bowie 
 
 Knife in his pocket. 
 
 *-p~* 
 
 '^ 4 RE you near-sighted, miss?" " Yes, at this distance 
 ^ I can hardly tell whether you are a pig or a puppy." 
 
 i; y\0 you think me guilty of a falsehood? asked Mr. 
 iJ Knott of a gentleman he was addressing. " Sir, 1 
 must render a verdict of Knott guilty." 
 
 M 
 
 EX generally think it a great misfortune when their 
 heads crrow silverv, and their pockets not. 
 
 I^nE late comet was a good deal like the productions of 
 ■ some of our voluminous story-writers — a long tail from 
 
 a small head. 
 
 • • • 
 
 ^•THAT'S very singular, sir," said a young lady when we 
 J- kissed her, " Ah, well, we'll soon make it plural." 
 
193 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 IVFEVER look to an exclusively political paper for good 
 -'- ' reading for your fimily. You might as well try to get 
 wool by shearing a hydraulic ram. 
 
 OUR sprightly friend, Fanny Fern, says that the men of 
 the present day are fast. We are afraid they Tnust be 
 so to catch the women. 
 
 THE President's appointment of the notorious D. as the 
 chaplain of a penitentiary is spoken of with the contempt 
 it deserves. In a penitentiary where D. is the parson, one 
 of the cells should be the parsonage. 
 
 WHAT would you say if you were to see a drunken man lying 
 in the open street exposed to the peltings of a violent storm. — 
 Temperance Journal. 
 
 We should say the poor devil was under the weather. 
 
 THE " Richmond Whig " says that the locofoco editors 
 " do not dare to say their souls are their OAvn." This is 
 only alleging against them that they do not dare to tell a 
 lie. 
 
 A ]\ITJSICIAlSr by trade does not subsist quite so simply 
 ■^^ as a chamelion. The latter lives upon air, the former 
 upon airs. And, by the way, a musician should enjoy good 
 health, for he has a change of air whenever he wants it. 
 
 ¥HEX a malignant man strikes at the great benefactors 
 of his race, he deserves, like the Indian who madly 
 fired his arrow at the smi, to be smitten with the curse of 
 blindness. 
 
PKENTICEAXA. 193 
 
 QURELY it is a blessed piivilege to be kissed by tbs 
 
 ^^ breeze, that has kissed all the pretty women in the 
 world. 
 
 A 
 
 DEFRAYED public man does well to go upon the 
 
 stage. He had better exhibit other characters than liis 
 
 own. 
 
 A MAX'S boots and shoes get tight by imbibing water, 
 
 -^^ but he doesn't. 
 
 •-♦-• 
 
 ¥ALK fast till you get upon the right ground, and then 
 stand fast. 
 
 THE " Democrat " says that the slanders upon its candi- 
 date " must almost giye him a poor opinion of his race." 
 We guess that after the election, he will haye " a poor 
 opinion of his race.'''' 
 
 <t-%-9 
 
 4 SCURRHLLOUS locofoco editor in Arkansas says, 
 -^^ that, although opposed to internal improyements, he is 
 in foyor of improying the mouth of the Mississippi. "VYe 
 wish he were in favor of imnroying his own. 
 
 T^T^ are not surprised that the editors of the two Demo- 
 ' ^ cratic papers, tried to get up a presentation of a mug 
 to Mr. "W. Each of the two is in the habit of presenting 
 an '''ugly mug''^ to everybody he meets. 
 
 OXE of the Hardin county jury, it is reported, has been bitten by 
 a snake, since the late verdict. The snake iS:\Q^.— Democrat. 
 The editor of the " Democrat " has been biting the Har- 
 din jury eyery day for the last three weeks and is aliye yet. 
 He must be harder to poison than a snake. 
 
 9 
 
194 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 THE editor of the boasts, that, though residing in 
 Ohio, he has been more familiar with Kentucky than wo 
 liave. In time past, the border chiefs of Scotland, boasted 
 of tlieir familiarity with England, and of the black mail 
 they levied there. It is believed that those citizens of Ohio 
 who have been most familiar with Kentucky might also 
 boast of the hlaok males levied there. 
 
 THE editor of the advises all his friends to go armed 
 to the teeth. We suppose he himself is as full of dirks 
 as a hog's neck is of bristles. But there is no danger in 
 him — he sticks at nothing. 
 
 OUR neighbor calls our article of last Friday " a fizzle." 
 His best friends are of opinion that such another 
 " fizzle " on our part will cause a " mizzle " on his. 
 
 TTTE never belonged to a mutual admiration society.— Courier, 
 
 Of course not. You never admired anybody but your- 
 self. 
 
 1 9 • 
 
 "ITfE should, suppose that whenever the editor of the 
 
 ' ' passes a Kentucky forest or wood, or grqve or tree, 
 every limb and twig w^ould. make a motion toward him as 
 if to come in contact with his shoulders. 
 
 THE editor of the recently fancied himself" a live 
 ox ;" but, since our rough handling of him, he is begin- 
 ning to conclude that he is ovAj jerked beef. 
 
 THE editor of the *' Herald " says that he declines a con- 
 troversy with us. He is a great deal smarter in de- 
 clining it, than he was in seeking it. 
 
PREXTIOEANA. 195 
 
 PLATO defiued a man as " a two-legged auimal without 
 feathers." If the editor of the were to be 
 
 treated as other underground raiboad men have been, he 
 would soon be unmanned — he would find himself a two- 
 lessred animal with feathers. 
 
 iX marriages between whites and blacks, we are by no 
 means certain that the blacks get the best of it. Those 
 who think black folks as good as themselves are not mis- 
 taken. 
 
 r^-t 
 
 WE see there is a proposition for the erection of a brass 
 statue of Col. B. of Washington. Xeed the whole 
 statue be brazen ? Wouldn't the face be enough ? 
 
 — •-»-• 
 
 TITTLE do we know of the transformations that all ob- 
 ^ jects undergo in the process of nature. We never see 
 a tear upon the cheek of a coquette without fancjdng that 
 it may previously have fallen from the eyes of dozens of 
 
 crocodiles. 
 
 — •-•-• 
 
 SOME malignant old men seem to grow humane as they 
 grow childish. The softening of the brain is accom- 
 panied by a softening of the heart. 
 
 I 
 I 
 
 F a man, as the Scriptures say, " cannot live by bread 
 alone," is it not wise in him to take a hel-p-jyieat. 
 
 N" seasons of war and pestilence, Death seems to exchange 
 his scythe for a patent-mower. 
 
 A 
 
 GOOD citizen is a peace-maker. A bull in a china- 
 shop is a piece-maker too. 
 
19G P R E H T I C K A N A. . 
 
 rpiIE editor of the " New Hampshire Patriot " says that 
 -■- he expects to grow fat as long as he lives. Ah, yes ; 
 but, when he dies, will not the fat be all in the fire ? 
 
 THE editor of the says he almost scorns to deny 
 our charges, " they are so utterly groundless." We 
 believe he generally scorns to deny " groundless " charges^ 
 He prefers confining himself to the denial of true ones. 
 
 I^'HE ex-parson of the relates an anecdote to con- 
 - vey the idea that prayers in his opinion would do us no 
 good. We are rather glad the ex-parson thinks so, for we 
 don't want his prayers. If we were to hear of his praying 
 for us an hour, we should, to guard against any evil results, 
 beg him to make matters straight by cursing us the next 
 
 hour. 
 
 • — »-♦• 
 
 CORRESPONDENT asks us who is the father of the 
 Sag Nichts organization. We don't even know who 
 its mother is, and, if we did, we should probably be able to 
 make only a vague guess at its father. It is like a loose 
 woman's bastard, that may owe its unhonored life to the 
 misconduct of any one of a dozen or a score of good-for- 
 nothing rowdies. 
 
 THE editor of the " Southern Democrat " wants to know 
 wiiat makes us so smart. If we are smart, it must be 
 for the same reason that he is so stupid — canH help it. 
 
 riUIE editor of the " Democrat " talks about the " fusion 
 JL party." If his anti-American party isn't a fusion party, 
 the reason must be that so many odds and ends are jum- 
 bled together in it as to entitle it rather to the name of tho 
 confusion party. 
 
P R E N T I C E A N A . 197 
 
 niIIE editor of the "Western Herald" complains that our 
 -^ remarks " oftentimes have two meanins^s." If his had 
 one^ it would be a decided improvement upon their present 
 character. 
 
 THE editor of the " iS^orth West Bulletin " says that he is 
 " gaining flesh." Xo doubt he steals it from the 
 butcher or from some neighbor's meat-house. 
 
 rrnE author of Christianity was a foreigner. — Democrat. 
 
 Why, yes, he came from Heaven, and we are afraid that 
 heaven will always be a foreign country to you. 
 
 THE editor of the " Democrat " asks whether he can be- 
 lieve his own eyes. Why yes, we suppose he can, 
 unless he squints ; but we presume he is not fool enough to 
 believe his own tongue. 
 
 WHY is the progress of the editor of the "Journal " like a well- 
 known air ? Because it is the Rogue's March. — Exchange. 
 
 Why will the editor of the be like a tune of 
 
 Paganini's ? Because he'll be executed on a single string. 
 
 COL. BEXTOX refused to give his daughter Jessie to 
 Col. Fremont, and the bold adventurer ran away with 
 her. Old Bullion, it is said, has now quarrelled with his 
 son-in-law and means to assail him as a candidate for the 
 Presidency. He intends to do what he wouldn't do 
 formerly — give him Jessie. 
 
 ^-♦-o 
 
 UXDOUBTEDLY it is very immoral to whip men at the 
 polls. How much less immoral is it to buy them before 
 thev oret there ? 
 
198 P R E N T I C E A N A . 
 
 A PIIYSICIAN in Boston states that the usual accompaniments 
 A. of the strawberry— sugar and cream— detract very essentially 
 from its healthiness. He argues that, if nature had intended those 
 substances as a part of the berry, she would have put them within 
 the skin. — Baltimore Patriot. 
 
 We presume that nature feels herself under no obligation 
 to mix for us what we can easily mix for ourselves. Is 
 nature to be expected to mix our pork and beans for us, or 
 our codfish and potatoes. 
 
 A CORRESPONDENT wishes us to publish a defence 
 of Gen. Stringfellow, the border ruffian. Our opinion 
 of him is, that, if he had his deserts, he would be a strung- 
 fellow. 
 
 OUR neighbour is a great fellow at making assertions, 
 and a very little one at proving them. Assertion is his 
 forte^ and proof his ^iVmo. 
 
 '' T AM determined," says a rather hard customer, *' to 
 i- fight the devil all the rest of i!!;.' life." He should by 
 all means ; "having played the devil one half of his life, he 
 ouo-ht to fisfht him the other half. 
 
 '^ VOU will see my face no more," said a romantic young 
 
 J- lady to her friends. We wondered whether she was 
 
 going away from earth, or intending to take to roiige — 
 
 going to die or dye'i 
 
 •-♦• — 
 
 THE editor of the " Democrat " gives us a long article 
 under the head of " The Case Stated." The difiiculty 
 is that he never states cases fairly or truly. A statement 
 of his is always one of those " circumstances " that " alter 
 cases.'''* 
 
PEENTICEANA. 199 
 
 "p.rAZls Y a beggar is proud of his ancestry. If Le Las no 
 u-tx other coat in the world, he is vain of his coat-of-arms. 
 
 1T7E agree with the editor of the , that close watch- 
 
 ' ' ing wouldn't hurt us, but we are apprehensive that it 
 might hurt him soriouslv. Some editors, conscious that 
 they can't stand watching, seem anxious to avoid it by 
 making themselves not worth watching. 
 
 AFRIEXD sends us a letter of Gen. Pillow which he 
 asks us to notice. We have more important matters 
 on hand. When we have disposed of them, we may attend 
 to the Pillow-case. 
 
 fTHE editor of the "Louisville Journal" undertakes to give an 
 ± account of the mass meeting that was to be held here last 
 week. The meeting came off, but the mass was omitted. — Demo- 
 crat. 
 
 It is true that mass was not celebrated at the American 
 meeting. Probably our opponents, taught by the disastrous 
 failure of their late attempt to get up a gathering at Lex- 
 ington, will undertake to increase the attractions of their 
 meetino^ bv advertisino^ that orrand mass will be celebrated. 
 ^Ye may say, not irreverently, that it would be their only 
 Avay oi raising a host. 
 
 A PtCHBISHOP HUGHES says that he has a vivid con- 
 -i »- ception of the evils of Protestantism. That's an " im- 
 maculate conception," we suppose. 
 
 npHE editor of the Boston " Liberator " calls upon the 
 J- ladies of the North to make use of nothing that is pro- 
 duced by slave labor. He needn't expect them not to use 
 cotton. They will not exjyel so old a friend from their 
 bosoms. 
 
200 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 ASAG-NICIITS paper says that Texas is calling upon 
 Sara Houston to resiirn his seat in the U. S. Senate. 
 Texas can, if she chooses, demand of her ex-President to 
 resign the office she gave him, for she need have no appre- 
 liension that he can call upon her to resign the indepen- 
 dence he gave her. 
 
 THE editor of the " Washington Union " undertakes to 
 discuss what he calls a " knotty question." Can such a 
 fellow as he untie anything knotty ? Echo answers not he. 
 
 rPiHE "London Times," speaks of the Americans as 
 J- " rather stupid." Some of the Times's countrymen have 
 had reason to be convinced, that, in battle, we are not 
 " smart enough to keep out of the fire." 
 
 4 LOCOFOCO editor says if Judge D. is a drunkard 
 ^^ and yet so great a man, what would he be if sober ? 
 We are afraid the world will never have a chance to know. 
 
 THE quarrel between those two prominent Democrats, 
 Governor Wright and Senator Bright of Indiana, still 
 continues. A locofoco paper, friendly to both, says "there 
 is not much difference between them." There is some, 
 though. Bright is sometimes rights but Wright is never 
 
 bright, 
 
 »*^« — 
 
 rrHE editor of the says that a late sermon of his 
 
 A " went off like hot cakes." This may encourage him to 
 turn regular parson again. Wonder if the apostate from 
 God now contemplates being an apostate from the devil. 
 Can he keep his faith to nothing in heaven or earth of 
 hell? 
 
P K E X T I C E A N A . 201 
 
 THE editor of the , who has so much to say about 
 dog-meat sausages, doesn't like our intimation that he 
 lives on them. Probably his sausages are a mixture of dog- 
 meat and pork. He has the habits of both animals ; he 
 barks at his betters and wallows in the mire. 
 
 WE find in a Southern Sag-Xichts paper a wood engrav- 
 ins:, reDresentinsf " Sam " as walkiuoj off with a branch/- 
 bottle in his hand. The Sag-Xichts organs are very im- 
 prudent to represent him thus. They will have all their 
 fellows runninir after him. 
 
 THE editor of the complains that he produces no 
 excitement by his proofs of our abolitionism. He pro- 
 duces no excitement by his proofs, as he calls them, of any- 
 thing. He knows nothing of any proof except "/bi/r?A- 
 proof^'* and his use of that excites only himself. 
 
 4 LOCOFOCO editor in the interior of Kentucky com- 
 ^ plains bitterly that a large proportion of his subscribers 
 are in arrears. We always thought that locofocoism 
 woiddiiH pay. 
 
 • • 
 
 rrHE"XewTork Express " says that unnaturalized for- 
 -■- eigners " fill our prisons and poor-houses." Yes, and 
 that is not the worst of it. They fill our ballot-boxes. 
 
 AWOMAX in Indiana has demanded a divorce from her 
 husband because he has cold feet. "We think she must 
 be as hot-headed as he is cold-footed. 
 
 THE editor of the says that he has no temptation 
 to tell lies on us. But what is to be thought of a fellow 
 that lies without temptation ? 
 
202 PKENTICEANA. 
 
 IT/E have received from our Arkansas friends the Anieri- 
 ' ' can eagle tliat tliey promised us. He is a noble and 
 majestic bird. He is as tameless as when his broad wings 
 beat the air m their native freedom, and when his wild 
 scream of triumph was heard amid the roaring of his moun- 
 tain-pines. We intend to give this grand bird, that appears 
 at a little distance as bald as the bald Csesar, a perch in 
 front of our office, where he can gaze upon the blue sky and 
 look his old friend the sun in the eye and be fanned by the 
 breezes and rocked by the storms of heaven. We presume 
 however, that the Anti-Americans will nearly desert the 
 street that he overlooks. They will not be able to dare 
 " the thunder of his beak and the lightnmg of his eye." 
 The editor of the " Democrat " will have to take some 
 other road home. If he come this way, our king of birds 
 may show himself " right upon the goose." 
 
 A CRUEL MAK— Prentice, of the "Louisville Journal," must 
 be an unfeeling man, a downright cruel man, or he would " let 
 
 up" the unlucky wight who edits the of that city. — 
 
 Memphis Whig. 
 
 We have no thought of letting him up. We keep him 
 crushed down to the earth in fulfillment of the curse pro- 
 nounced by God against the serpent, " upon thy belly thou 
 shalt crawl." He has been so long accustomed to his posi- 
 tion that he could no more stand upright now than a snake 
 could w^alk upon his tail. 
 
 THE editor of the Southern says that one-half 
 of his subscribers complain that they do not get his 
 paper. No doubt the other half complain that it's good for 
 nothing when they jdo get it. 
 
 THE editor of the " Washinton Union " pretends not to 
 know some things that he knows very well. A fellow 
 really so ignorant shouldn't affect ignorance. 
 
? E E N T I C E A 2^- A . 203 
 
 rpRE editor of the says our nature is so depraved 
 
 -*- that only falsehood suits us. He evidently thinks this 
 of ail liis readers' and accommodates himself to what he sup» 
 poses their taste to be. 
 
 ■T'HE editor of the , alluding to his pious days, says 
 
 -*- that, while he was going to church, we were going to 
 coflee-houses. Ah, if this is true, how utterly both of us 
 have chanoced since. 
 
 o 
 
 TULIUS CESAR'S letter, " I came, I saw, I conquered," 
 ^ has been admired nearly two thousand years for its 
 terseness. We think it rather verbose. The words " I 
 saw " are entirely superfluous. Indeed, we think " I came " 
 wholly unnecessary. " I conquered," would tell the whole 
 story. But Julius had no doubt a good deal of leism-e 
 when he wrote that letter, and his style suffered in conse- 
 quence. 
 
 rpHE editor of the " Democratic Statesman" says that the 
 -A- " Louisville Journal " is apt to get out of order. Pro- 
 bably he thinks so because our paper does as clocks out of 
 order sometimes do — keeps all the time striking. 
 
 ALETTEPw from Ireland speaks encouragingly of the prosperity 
 of the farmers, and the decrease of crime. — N'ashville Union. 
 
 There may well be a decrease of crime in Ireland ! A 
 decrease of crime follows a decrease of criminals. Ireland 
 has emptied her penitentiaries, jails, work-houses, and 
 houses of correction upon the United States. Whilst there 
 has been a decrease of crime in that country, what has been 
 the state of the case in this? 
 
 THE editor of the — says that " secrecy is ever a 
 badge of guilt," Then why does he wear breeches? 
 
204 PRENTiOEANA. 
 
 I DO not belong to the Democratic party, tliank God. I do not 
 belong to the so called American party, and I thank God for 
 tliat. 
 
 The above passage is from the late speech of Gov. Jones, 
 of Tennessee. The " Nashville Union," in professing to copy 
 it, leaves out the first thank God " and gives only the last 
 " thank God." The editor is unwilling for his readers to 
 know more than half the amount of the Governor's thank- 
 fulness to God. 
 
 AWASHINGTOISr paper says that many persons who 
 were Know Nothings a year ago have abandoned the 
 order. Generally speaking, they were not only Know 
 Nothings, but fellows that hadn't the capacity to know any- 
 thing. 
 
 •-♦-• 
 
 HIS name is in our reach, and unless he shall speedily learn to 
 be decent, we shall deliver to the public a free lecture upon 
 the anatomy of skunks with practical demonstrations. — Reporter. 
 
 If the editor of the " Reporter " is going to deliver " a 
 lecture upon skunks with practical demonstrations " of the 
 habits of the animal, Ave hope his audience will understand 
 the necessity of keeping on the windward side of him dur- 
 ing his performance. 
 
 • • • 
 
 LUCY STONE recently made a speech insisting that the 
 election of w^omen, as well as men, to Congress would 
 improve the character of that body. We suspect that the 
 habit of " pairing off " would be even more common than 
 
 it is. 
 
 •-•-• — 
 
 ASAG-NICHTS organ in Pennsylvania says that " the 
 Democrats consider themselves, in the piesent cam- 
 paign, as doing not only a political, but a solemn religious 
 duty." Oh yes, and we presume, that, at the close of the 
 proceedings of all their meetings, they fervently exdaim in 
 heart, "Let wsprey^ 
 
P R E N T I C E A X A . 205 
 
 4 DEMOCRATIC paper asks us to tell why its partv is 
 
 i\. generally up and ours down. Xo doubt for the same 
 
 reason that the empty bucket is generally at the top of the 
 
 well. 
 
 . — •-*-• — 
 
 OXE of the northern papers calls Mr. Buchanan a dough- 
 - face. Who would expect such an old Buck to have a 
 
 doe-face ? 
 
 »-♦-• 
 
 THE editor of the says all the quiet citizens of his 
 State are against dissolving the Union. Oh yes, but 
 pray how many quiet citizens are there in that State ? 
 
 4 WRITER in the " American Agriculturist " insists 
 -^^ that farmers ought to learn to make better fences. 
 Why not establish a fencing school for their benefit ? 
 
 THE Turkish men hold that women have no souls, and 
 prove by their treatment of them that they have none 
 
 themselve 
 
 3. 
 
 T may seem strange that you cannot see your face in a 
 pane of beautifully stained glass, when everybody ad- 
 mits that it is a (/ood looking-glass. 
 
 I 
 
 SHAKSPEARE says "there is a divinity which shapes 
 our ends," but unfortunately the sheriff has to be called 
 m to shape some people's. 
 
 THE ladies sometimes call men Jack-o'-lanterns. Yes, 
 ladies, that's exactly what we all are. If you run from 
 us, we are certain to follow you; if you lun after us, we aro 
 likely to retreat all the faster. 
 
206 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 IN Illinois, Mr. Bush and Mr. Bird are rival candidates for 
 office. In that case, the people will have to beat the 
 Bush to get the Bird. 
 
 ONE of the pictorial papers contains what is called a cut 
 of the President and his Cabinet. It is " the unkindest 
 cut of all." 
 
 THE longest bridge in the world is considered peerless^ 
 for the reason that it has more piers than any other. 
 
 . — •-•-• 
 
 A PIN has as much head as a good many authors, and a 
 good deal more point. 
 
 •-•-• — 
 
 IT/E presume that women's preference of gentlemen with 
 
 t T small hands and delicate fingers had its origin while 
 
 the old English law was in force, allowing every man to 
 
 beat his wife whenever he pleased with a stick not thicker 
 
 than his thumb. 
 
 •-•-• — • 
 
 i DISTINGUISHED American writer, in writing 
 A against what he considers a prevailing inclination to 
 credulity, says " that the present generation seem a race of 
 gudgeons." He must certainly except the babies — they are 
 only suckers. 
 
 ^' VOIJ think you are a great man," said an impertinent 
 JL fellow to a gentleman whom he had ofi*ended. " Yes, 
 I am a real thumper^'' replied the gentleman, fitting the 
 action to the word. 
 
 A N inventor has made application at the patent office for 
 ^ what he calls an improved lever. He professes to be 
 " able to raise anything with it." We wonder if it will 
 answer for raisini^ children and the wind. 
 
PKENTICEAXA. 207 
 
 APOLITICAL candidate in Alabama reminds his party 
 leaders that he has "served them at a2:>«'/^c^." ^Ye 
 suppose that he has passed aroimd his snufl>box among 
 them. 
 
 • 9 * 
 
 IT seems very strange that chameleons can live on air. . It 
 seems a great deal stranger that some writers manage 
 to live by their wits. 
 
 AX Blmois editor says that his party is on the verge of a 
 precipice, but calls loudly upon it to march steadily 
 ahead. He is a bad leader. 
 
 A PAPER in Pennsylvania says that Mr. Buchanan is 
 " Janus-faced." This is not exactly true. Janus had 
 two faces to look in two directions at the same time. 
 Kature was more economical in making Mr. Buchanan. 
 By the aid of a rather ugly squint he can look in two direc- 
 tions with only one face. 
 
 THE " Washington Union " invokes every Democrat to 
 " call himself to duty." This idea of a man's callmg 
 himself is quite new. But we have heard of a dog who 
 could call himself bv havm^ a whistle on the end of his tail. 
 
 PL'XCH says that reading makes a full man, but fashion 
 makes a full woman. This is altogether witty but only 
 half true. Fashion puts a great deal about a woman but 
 
 nothinof in her. 
 
 ° — »^»^ 
 
 OTU Exchange papers say, that, although the last year 
 was leap year, the number of marriages in the course 
 of it was less than in ordinary years. This proves eithci 
 that the women are not as good at courting as the men, or 
 that the men are harder to court than the women. 
 
208 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 ONE of onr exchanges says that " a newspaper is an im- 
 personality." We confess that we find nothing about 
 the greater part of them but personalities. 
 
 SOME of the Democrats of Nashville have given their 
 editor a fleet saddle-horse with saddle and bridle. It 
 looks like a hint to him to be off as fast as possible. 
 
 THE " Washington Union " says that certain recent state- 
 ments in relation to Mr. Marcy are " downright fabri- 
 cations." We presume the organ means, that, like the 
 famous patch upon Mr. Marcy's breeches, they are " made 
 
 out of whole cloth." 
 
 ©-♦-• — • 
 
 THE "New York Herald" trusts that Mr. F. may be 
 cured of his low and vicious propensities. We do not 
 believe that he can be cured except as foiks cure bacon — 
 by hanging. 
 
 -•-•-•- 
 
 THE is to be published hereafter on Sunday. 
 Having broken all the rest of the Lord's command- 
 ments, it is now about to break the fourth. 
 
 THE " Louisville Democrat " and " Cincinnati Enquirer " have 
 both lately come out in a new dress.— Parz's Flag. 
 If, as this language implies, they have got but one dress 
 between them, one of them will have to lie in bed whilst 
 the other circulates. 
 
 »-O-0 • 
 
 IT is impossible to say where the American party ends, and the 
 abolition party begins. — Excliange. 
 
 If the editor of the were mourted on an ass, it 
 
 would be impossible to say where the man ended and the 
 ass began. 
 
PKENTICEANA. 209 
 
 *'• pLEASE accept a lock of my hair," said an old 
 
 -L bachelor to a widow, handing her a large curl. " Sir, 
 
 you had better give me the whole wig." " Madame, you 
 
 are very biting, considering that your teeth are j^orcelain." 
 
 MRS. LUCY IIILL complains, in an Arkansas paper, that 
 her nephew has trampled upon her rights and feelings. 
 The graceless young rascal shouldn't be allowed to trample 
 
 upon his aunt-Hill. 
 
 — •-•-• 
 
 THE leaves of most books are inferior to those of the 
 book of nature. They have the greenness without the 
 freshness of the leaves of sprmg, and the dryness \dthout 
 tl^.e moral of those of Autumn. 
 
 ITfE know some men who are good-natured only when 
 '' they are n© longer sober. Like small beer, they get 
 sour if not soon drunk. 
 
 ATTRITER in the " Literary Messenger " speaks of a 
 friend of his that has always been accustomed to the 
 pen. Is the friend an author or a pig ? 
 
 IF a man and his wife are kept apart through the obstruc- 
 tion of navigation by ice, is it proper to say that there is 
 a coldness between them ? 
 
 THOSE who are ever ready to give the lie are generally 
 not too brave to take what they are not too civil to 
 give. 
 
 AN impudent fellow accosted a young lady rudely, and 
 she set a dog on him. She was chaste and he was 
 chased! 
 
210 PREXTICEANA. 
 
 THE charge of a judge is often hard to stand; — that of a 
 battalion, harder still ; — that of a money-lender hardest 
 of all. 
 
 
 
 NE tear of a woman is oftentimes more formidable than 
 the "three tiers " of a ship of the line. 
 
 IF Pierce's Cabinet has " hung together " for four years, 
 it has been owing to his imbecility rather than to its in- 
 ternal harmony. It has not been because the Cabinet was a 
 *' unit," but because the President was a cipher. 
 
 I 
 
 LEARN" that the inaugural of Mr. Buchanan is finishes. It will 
 be short. — Washington Correspondent. 
 
 It will be long enough before he finishes another. 
 
 nnilE editor of an Alabama paper advises that we and 
 -*- another individual, whom he names, " meet upon the field 
 of honor and fight with squirt guns." If we must use " a 
 squirt " in such an afiair, we shall beg the use of the Ala- 
 bama editor for the occasion. 
 
 IN Winchester Centre, Ct., there has not been a death in one and 
 a half years, and but, two or three deaths in three years. The 
 village is surrounded by smoking coalpits, and besides there is no 
 physician in the place. — Albany Statesman. 
 
 We do not see what need there could possibly be for 
 doctors where there is so much smoke to cure folks. 
 
 A FELLOW in ITew York, calling himself " A Jew," 
 says, in a communication against the Know Nothings, 
 that he at least " can see some thino;s." Of course he can. 
 As Shylock says, " hath not a Jew eyes ?" 
 
PRENTICEANA. 211 
 
 THE Sag Xichts pretend that they attempted no resist- 
 ance to the Know Nothings at the kite election in this 
 city. Therein they did a great deal better than they had 
 ever done before. Usually they have turned out very short 
 political crops, but in this case they yielded handsomely. 
 
 rrHE editor of the talks of not putting up with the 
 
 -1 present officers of the city. They don't want him to- 
 " put up " with them. They are not tavern keepers. The 
 jailor is the only one of them that keeps public accommo- 
 dations. 
 
 • ♦ • 
 
 ITrE do not by any means denounce all Democratic edi- 
 tV tors indiscriminately; but, if anybody will show us a 
 Democratic editor who is truthful and patriotic, we will 
 cheerfully and without the slightest hesitation admit that 
 }ie deserves — not to have been a Democratic editor. 
 
 A N insolent correspondent says that he has been under 
 i^ the unpleasant necessity of curtailing his communica- 
 tion. Then the author and his article are well-matched — 
 the one curtailed and the other cur-headed. 
 
 THE fruit dealers in our market must be a poor set of 
 creatures if it is really true of men, that we " may know 
 them bv their fruits." 
 
 THIXK of the -mighty rivers, running up and down and across 
 tlie country in every direction, and the controversies about 
 their navigation— is there to be any way of settling them ?— 
 EJicard Everett. 
 
 "SVe have very serious doubts whether anything could ha 
 done with mighty rivers running xi}^ the country. 
 
212 PBENTICEANA. 
 
 OXE of the New York papers says that a large number 
 of drunken men were picked up in the streets on the 
 night of the 4th. Not only drunken men but sober ones 
 get " picked up " in New York every night and day. 
 
 I 
 
 F you don't want to spoil your children, you may have to 
 spoil a good many rods in raising them. 
 
 APHILADELPIA editor thinks that nations now-a-days 
 are so widely and intimately related that they will pro- 
 bably never decay. He doesn't inform us w^hether in his 
 opinion individuals will ever be on such amicable terms 
 with each other as to live forever. 
 
 1 
 
 S there a great Northwest ? —St. Louis Democrat. 
 
 Undoubtedly there is, and, if this fact is not speedily 
 recognized by the Central Government, there will be a 
 Great Northwester. 
 
 IN one of his "Discourses," Brigham Young expresses 
 the opinion that he has a great deal more influence in 
 Utah than Moses had among the children of Israel. Very 
 likely. But not more than Moses might have had if the 
 children had been his own instead of Israel's. 
 
 THE editor of the boasts that there is no other 
 editor in the country who can " propel public senti- 
 ment " like him. He richly deserves to be ducked — to be 
 a submerged propeller. 
 
 THE " Herald " complains bitterly of the " price of living 
 in New York." It certainly is a fair subject of com- 
 plaint that living is so dear where life is so cheap. 
 
PEENTICEAXA. 213 
 
 rrilE editor of the " Boston Ledger " devotes a column of 
 ■*- eulogy to the new postmaster of the city of notions, Mr. 
 Capeu. According to the Ledger, Mr. Capen is not only 
 great, but good. The editor probably knows. His pane- 
 gyric reads as if his belly were by " good capon lined:^ 
 
 "TirE might answer a fool according to his folly. — PennsyUanian, 
 No one has a clearer right or could do it better. 
 
 THAT comet is a gay deceiver ! He promised to jostle 
 the earth, but has only jilted her. The rogue has told a 
 tale instead of sho^vinc^ one. 
 
 I" AST week we were witness of a difficulty in the interior 
 -^ of the State between a good American and a bad for- 
 eigner. Both struck very promptly. The American struck 
 the foreigner, and the latter struck his colors. 
 
 EVERY taste may be corrupted by habit. A man may 
 get so accustomed to an offensive atmosphere, that he 
 will stop his nose in passing a garden of jessamines and 
 
 violets. 
 
 • • • — 
 
 A POPULAR writer tells us that Avomen often bear their 
 personal deformities with a feeling akin to pride. 
 They often bare their personal charms with very decided 
 pride. 
 
 6-9-a 
 
 A X Eastern editor, speaking of a couple of individuals m 
 ^^ a situation of great danger, says that "they luckily 
 escaped with a whole skin." It would have been t\vice a3 
 lucky if they had escaped with two whole skins. 
 
214: PRENTICEANA. 
 
 AMR. GARDXER fired a pistol at bis sweetheart a few 
 days ago, and she has since married him. Who ever 
 dreamed that gunpowder was a love-powder ?" 
 
 1 
 
 T is a good sign to see the color of health upon a man's 
 face, but not to see it all concentrated in his nose. 
 
 YOUXG men who go to balls will do well to remember 
 that a ball should never close with a reel. 
 
 THE "Edinburg Review" asks what European nation 
 will first burst into a flame. We exj^ect the Dutch will ; 
 they are always smoking. 
 
 AWOMAK with no friends can't be expected to sit down 
 and enjoy a comfortable smoke, for she hasn't got any 
 to-hacTc-her, 
 
 IT is difficult to be good-natured in a hot day. Intense 
 heat destroys even the temper of steel, and why not that 
 of flesh and blood ? 
 
 OUR barber tells us that, although young men are often 
 irresolute, he finds that as they get along in life they 
 generally come to the scratch. 
 
 AMR. ARCHER has been sent to the Ohio penitentiary 
 for marrying three wives. " Insatiate Archer ! could 
 not one suffice ?" 
 
 I 
 
 F you woo the company of the angels in your waking 
 hours, they will be sure to come to you in your sleep. 
 
P E E N T I C E A X A . 215 
 
 llfE live neighbor to the free States, and see some of their people 
 I T every day, and they look and talk pretty much as we do.— 
 Exchange. 
 
 Well, really, neighbor, if the people of the free States 
 look pretty much as you do, we cannot wonder that a large 
 portion of the South is in favor of dissolving all connection 
 with the ugly race. We don't know but we shall have to 
 go for dissolution ourselves. 
 
 IT is idle to attempt t(^ scare the Democracy by talking of raising 
 the devil. They are not afraid of the old sinner; they are used 
 to beating him. — Democrat. 
 
 They are undoubtedly used to heating him around the 
 stump. As for shaming him, they never do that by telling 
 the truth, but only by outlying him. 
 
 JOHX MITCHEL, the Iri^li Patriot, said, some time ago, 
 that if he were a fool, he should be happy : and, as if 
 acting upon that conviction, he has been making one of 
 of himself ever since. And it has not been with him a pur- 
 suit of happiness under difficulties. 
 
 ASTUPn) Sag-Nichts editor in Indiana complains that his 
 sheet is too small to contain the expression of his 
 thouo-hts. We think then that his thoughts may be consid- 
 ered as corresponding very v>^ell with the little girl's defini- 
 tion of chaos — " a great pile of nothing with no place to put 
 
 it in." 
 
 ■ • • • 
 
 rpHE editor of the " Somerset Democrat " apologizes to 
 -L his readers for not giving them more than a half sheet , 
 he says that he "svill not let it happen again. His readers 
 no doubt will excuse him. " There," said a dutiful parent, 
 after soundly thrashing his little son, " I'll give you the rest 
 next time." " You needn't trouble yourself, daddy." 
 
216 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 p EN". QUITMAN, the distinguished fire-eater, is said to 
 ^ be oil a visit to the Hot Springs of Alabama. We con- 
 gratulate him on finding something to wash his fire down 
 with. The general, though an awful filibuster, is person- 
 ally a capital fellow. We hope the Avaters will prove hot 
 enough to agree with him. 
 
 THE experiment of domesticating camels in this country 
 is reported to have succeeded beyond all rational expec- 
 tation. We suppose the project will#now go merrily for- 
 ward to the tune of " The Camels are Coming." 
 
 CARDINAL RICHELIEU is represented as saying, " in 
 the vocabulary of youth there is no such word as fail." 
 If that is a fact, the vocabulary of youth about these times 
 is very defective. 
 
 THE New Orleans papers complain of the want of milk in 
 that city. The Louisiana milk always seems to ns as 
 defective in quality as deficient in quantity. Like most of 
 the current jokes, it has no cream to it. 
 
 THE " New York Journal of Commerce," alluding to the 
 early poverty of Curran, says : 
 When he'startcd in married life, he writes "My wife and chil- 
 dren were the only furniture of my apartments." 
 
 Under the circumstances, we think this was more than he 
 was legitimately entitled to. 
 
 M'LLE RACHEL is said to have come back again from the brink 
 of the grave. An improvement has taken place in her health. 
 —Philadelphia Inquirer. 
 
 We believe coming back from the hri7ik of the grave is 
 generally esteemed a very wholesome trip. 
 
01 *T 
 
 PEENTICEAXA. 21 
 
 BE gentle in old age. Peevishness is worse in second 
 childhood than in the first. 
 
 AX editor in one of our western cities says that the people 
 there have not discovered that the times are hard. Let 
 them midertake to pay their debts, and perhaps they will 
 make the important discovery. 
 
 IT is a maxim of many poUtical economists that the conn- 
 try's truest wealth consists of its population. But what 
 if three-fourths of the population can't pay their debts and 
 have nothino^ to Uve on ? Couldn't such wealth be dis- 
 
 o 
 
 pensed with ? 
 
 — •-• • 
 
 A MAX named J. S. Bill has set up a shaving shop in one 
 of our Western cities. We know him of old. When- 
 ever he takes off his beard, he shaves a bad Bill. 
 
 ALOCOFOCO editor says, that, if occasion arise, we 
 shall find him good at biting and scratching. He is 
 more accommodating than most vermin. They generally 
 bite and let you scratch for yourself. 
 
 THE decision of Judge Goodloe disfranchises all the natnralized 
 citizens of the United States, dead and living. — Louisville Demo- 
 crat. 
 
 What an outrage it must be in the eyes of all good loco- 
 focos that the dead Irish and Germans should be disfran- 
 ^tiised — that they should not be allowed their votes. Our 
 people have manifested a pretty strong aversion to having 
 America governed by live foreigners, and vv'e may have an 
 opportunity of seeing whether they will be more reconciled 
 to her being governed by fleshless Irish and Dutch skele- 
 tons with five feet of earth over them. 
 
 10 
 
SI8 PREXTICEANA. 
 
 A CITY paper undertakes to tell how " one may in the 
 ■^^ hottest of weather drink as much water as one likes " 
 without experiencing any ill effects. We know a great 
 many people who, without resorting to any ingenious 
 expedient, can drink quite as much water as t/iei/ like with 
 perfect impunity. 
 
 A GREAT many Democratic expectants in the South are 
 much dissatisfied with Mr. Buchanan, because he 
 does not make place for them by dismissing all the old 
 incumbents of ofiice. They comj^lain, that, although they 
 had high expectations of him, he doesn't turn out well. 
 
 THE southern Democratic papers earnestly beg the 
 South to submit quietly to the outrageous attacks of 
 Buchanan & Co. in Kansas upon southern rights. These 
 papers think that the thing may certainly be a little painful 
 to the southern mind, but that it will be the making of the 
 Democratic administration. Veiy likely. In the bull-fight- 
 ing days, a blacksmith, who was rearing a bull-pup, induced 
 his old father to go on all fours and imitate the bull. The 
 canine pupil pinned the old man by the nose. The son, dis- 
 regarding the paternal roaring, exclaimed : " Hold him, 
 Growler, hold him ; bear it, feyther, bear it, if'll be the 
 
 makmg of the pup /" 
 
 »-«-• 
 
 YOU (the editor of the " Somerset American '') are old enough to 
 be our father, and have been a "jack at all trades." — Northern 
 Serald. 
 
 If your neighbor were a "jack," he would, whether " old 
 enough " to be your father or not, be the very kind of ani- 
 mal that might be expected to sire such a colt. 
 
 THE " Philadelphia Evening Journal " wants to know 
 how much further Louis Kapoleon " will be allowed to 
 go without a check,'''' Possibly until he finds a halter. 
 
PREXTICEAJTA. * 219 
 
 IT is some consolation to us of the present generation to find that 
 our ancestors were not more guiltless than ourselves of those 
 crimes and vices for which we are so constantly reproached. — Cin- 
 cinnati Enquirer. 
 
 What fine children those must be who can console them- 
 selves in their villainy by the reflection that their fathers 
 before them were as great villains as themselves. 
 
 rpHE " Xiagara Falls Gazette " is quarrelling with Buffalo 
 -*- for her alleged attempt to take away from the town 
 of Niagara all the advantages and blessings that Xature 
 has given her. Perhaps the worst of it is that Xature her- 
 self is cooperating slowly but surely in this unfair work. 
 We believe the great Cataract itself is travelling regularly 
 up stream at the rate of some inches per year, so that in 
 time, a pretty long time to be sure, it will be Buffalo's Cat- 
 aract. It is to be hoped, however, that all jealousies be- 
 tween Buffalo and. Xiao-ara will be hushed before that time. 
 
 nEXRY B. HIRST, of Philadelphia, has written a piece 
 of poetry on Mr. Buchanan, in which he invokes him in 
 settlino; the Kansas and other difficulties to — 
 
 Arm ! Go forth naked to the fiorht !" 
 
 DonH do it, old Buck ! Don't violate all the laws of 
 civilized warfare. Kill the enemy legitimately if you can, 
 but don't scare them to death. 
 
 THE Democratic editor at Little Rock says that it puzzles 
 him to tell when the banks do most harm, when they 
 pay specie or when they don't. We presume he would be 
 still more puzzled to tell whether the State of Arkansas 
 would do most harm by paying her debts or not paying 
 them, as she has never made an experiment of the former 
 operation . 
 
220 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 4 VIIIGIXIA editor tells about a prodigious calf that 
 
 -^^ he saw at " the Sprini^s." The editor was probably 
 
 drinking from one of the Springs when he discovered 
 
 the prodigy. 
 
 ■ — »-©-• 
 
 IT is an old and true saying, that a man should not marry 
 unless he can support a wife, and, from some examples 
 that Ave have seen, we are beginning to doubt seriously 
 whether a woman can prudently marry unless she can sup- 
 IDort a husband. 
 
 IT has been ill-naturedly said that tlie more prosperous the 
 country tbe louder the clamors of the New England 
 mills. It would seem that the panic is pretty effectually 
 
 extinguishing their clatter. 
 
 4 LADY in Holmes county, Mississippi, hung herself a 
 -^^ short time since from mortification on account of her 
 husband's having been cp^ught playing cards witli a negro. 
 There appears to have been sensibility enough for two in 
 that family, but unfortunately it was all concentrated in 
 one. 
 
 KEITT of South Carolina, we notice, is soaring alofl 
 before Palmetto audiences on the " Study of Xature." 
 His constituents can't do better than let him fly. 
 
 THE "Philadelphia Bulletin " inquires at some length into 
 the " true origin " of the Mormons. We think the pub- 
 lic just at present is more particularly interested in their 
 true destiny. Let us kill the snake before we count his 
 rattles. 
 
 GREAT many of our people are strongly in favor of 
 the liquoT law — all but tlie law. 
 
P R E X 'i I C E A N A . 221 
 
 ON" the moming of the 2d, two policemen, Joseph Early and 
 'Washington Bright, were set npon by a group of ruffians in an 
 obscure part of the city, though fortunately the scoundrels got 
 the worst of it, barely escaping with their lives. — London paper. 
 
 We wonder if these fellows were not a little sorry that 
 they waked up Bright and Early that morning. 
 
 rTHE " Memphis Eagle " wants to know how a man can 
 JL " learn the philosophy of hmnan wisdom and be other- 
 wise than honest." The process is very simple. He has 
 only to forget to put into practice the wisdom he has 
 acquired. 
 
 •^-e-* 
 
 ADEMOCHATIC editor in the State of says 
 that, in Kentucky, there are two hundred and twenty 
 idiots under the public charge. That's not true ; but one 
 important difference between our State and his is, that iu 
 the former, the public have the charge of idiots, w^hile in 
 the latter, idiots have charge of the public. 
 
 A CANADIAN paper mentions the marriage of Mr. 
 Joseph Sterling to Miss Anne Stirling. Love-strokes 
 are not usually severe, but this one, it is plam, has knocked 
 an i out. 
 
 THE editor of " Journal " said he had caught us, but he finds he 
 has caught it. — Excliange. 
 Yes, we mistook your gender. We stand corrected. 
 
 SOMEBODY commends the moon as a pattern of temper- 
 ance, because " the fuller she gets, the smaller her horr.s 
 become. He forgets that she makes up for the smallness 
 of her horns by taking them straight. 
 
222 PKENTICEANA. 
 
 rp I IE " Democrat " says that its political friends begin to 
 -L shoAv their teeth. Their under-lips hangs so low they 
 
 can't help it. 
 
 V WOMAN" always keeps secret what sho does not know.-- Ex- 
 change. 
 
 It is a pity that all men do not imitate her discretion. 
 
 rrilE " Boston Courier " referring to the financial crisis, 
 J- says : " Our New York friends ' brag ' too much." We 
 are strongly of the opinion that tliey "hold fast" too 
 much. 
 
 rpiIE admirers of Mr. Banks, the Republican candidate for 
 J- the Governorship of Massachusetts, call him the " iron 
 man." The result of the pending canvass' will certainly 
 show that he was made to be beaten.* 
 
 rrilE financial crisis is taken in "Wall street with wonderful 
 -■- coolness. They bear it there without a particle of 
 feelinix. 
 
 THOMAS A. SARDINBURa, the cashier of the branch hank of 
 Cape Fear, at "Washington, N. C. committed suicido. by shoot- 
 ing himself. No cause is assigned for the rash act. — ItJegrapJiic 
 Dispatch. 
 
 Perhaps the poor fellow preferred shooting to suspend' 
 ing. 
 
 A 
 
 LOCOFOCO editor in Texas boasts that he has made 
 something of his party in that quarter. He must be a 
 
 near relative of the woman who made a pound of butter 
 
 from the cream of a joke. 
 
 * Mr. Banks was elected nevertheless. 
 
PKEXTICEAXA. 223 
 
 THE Whisky Root is the name of a species of cactus 
 found in Mexico, which when eaten is said to produce 
 \he same effect as alcoholic drinks. One has only to bite 
 cff and swallow a piece to experience all the effects of the 
 most unquestionable intoxication. If this root should .ome 
 into general use, the facility of taking " nij)S " would be 
 greatly increased. 
 
 i WOMAN" in Florida, named Cross, lately gave birth to 
 -^ an infant son which weighed only one pound. That 
 Cross wasn't hard to bear. 
 
 A!N" exchange says that Mr. has lost his heart to a 
 beautiful girl. He may have lost his heart to an angel, 
 but he has lost his soul to the devil. 
 
 mWO men, Joseph Sparks and Oscar Flint, were assailed 
 -i in the suburbs of Baltimore, a few nights ago, by a gang 
 of shoulder-hitters. Flint was knocked down, but his com- 
 panion escaped by flight. When the scoundrels hit Flint, 
 jSparks flew. 
 
 ■^ " •♦-0 
 
 Ax impertinent editor in Alabama wants to know when 
 we "intend to pay the 'debt of nature?'" We are 
 inclined to think that when nature gets her dues from him 
 It will be by an execution. 
 
 T<[TE are in fivor of toleration, but it is a very difficult 
 ' ' thing to tolerate the intolerant and impossible to tole- 
 rate the intolerable. 
 
 . r-O-* 
 
 '\ [R. G. A. Banks, an editor in Arkansas, publishes a long 
 -'■'-»- article skiving an account of an attempt of a neighbor to 
 "gouge" him. "Gouge on Banking " was published sev 
 eral years ago, and now we have Banks on gougmg. 
 
22:t PEKNTICEANA. 
 
 * 
 
 THE editor of the talks about peo})le's being 
 " afHicted with the epidemic of honesty." When such 
 an epidemic "is raging, he had better look oat, for, even if, 
 like the small-pox, it can attack the same system but once, 
 we fear he is still liable. 
 
 A WASHINGTON correspondent of the " Boston Cou- 
 rier," says " these are musical times among certain 
 politicians at the Capital." We understand that there have 
 been a good many overtures among them — though none as 
 
 yet for the public ear. 
 
 — •♦* 
 
 /^EO. DEVLIN, a drunken fellow in Maine, has lodged a 
 ^ complaint against his wife for playing practical jokes on 
 him when he is intoxicated. The lady had better quit her 
 Devlin. 
 
 A SOUTHERN paper says that the admmistration is 
 resolved '' to lay the axe at the root of the credit sys- 
 tem." It has begun by laying the axe at the root of its own 
 
 credit. 
 
 — • • « 
 
 ,4 TAPE-WORM, said to be seventy feet long, was 
 -^* removed from Mr. J. Gear, of Hartford, last week. 
 ]Mr. Gear had been ill for some time. Mr. Gear was out of 
 gear because the worm wasn't. 
 
 rrilE newspapers give us an account of a child's dying from 
 -L having a full-grown mouse in its stomach. How can the 
 U. S. Government be expected to live four years with ten 
 thousand overgrown rats in its abdomen ? 
 
 THE Democrats say that the country has a very great 
 treasure in Mr. Cobb, but she certainly has none in the 
 Tr.Misury he presides over. 
 
PEENTICEANA. 225 
 
 AN occasional dealer in verses, who has taken the " Jour- 
 nal " a number of years without paying for it, asks if 
 we have not something of his in our office. YTe ask in turn 
 if he has not something of ours in his pocket. 
 
 A 
 
 DEMOCRATIC gentleman in Arkansas has abandoned 
 ■^ the editorship of a paper and gone to mule-raising. He 
 would probably do a bigger business in raising horse-colts, 
 for he was always remarkable for finding mare's nests. 
 
 fTHERE is a Sag-jSTichts editor in Mississippi, very dirty in 
 -"- his personal habits, who never holds a political opmion 
 twenty-four hours. He shifts oftener than he shirts. 
 
 THE "Richmond South" says that Mr. Douglas has 
 shown the cloven foot. Every Buchanan senator, that 
 has stood within the sweep of the Little Giant's broad- 
 sword, has shown a cloven head. 
 
 17RED DOUGLASS, the negro orator, is pul)lishing state- 
 J- ments as to alleged occurrences in the South. Fred's 
 statements, like himself, are colored. 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC lady^ho has written to us from a 
 ■^ distance, professes to have too much delicacy to read 
 our paper. We suppose it is because she sees a naked 
 truth in every paragraph. 
 
 THE " Southern Mercury " speaks of its party as " the 
 heavy-handed Democracy." They may be heavy- 
 handed, but when they have been T\uthin arm's length of the 
 public spoils, they have shov\*n themselves light-fingered. 
 
226 PEENTICEANA. 
 
 A DYING man upon the gallows lately affirmed that the first 
 step in his career of crime was that of not paying for a news- 
 paper. — Exchange. 
 
 If it was a locofoco newspaper, the fellow's first step in 
 the career of crime was taking it, and the second not pay- 
 in o; for it. 
 
 AN exchange says that Gen. Santa Anna is in Havana, 
 "hatching ont a filibustering scheme against Mexico." 
 We doubt if as yet the one-legged intriguer has thoroughly 
 succeeded in laying his scheme. 
 
 A WASHINGTON correspondent says that Mr. J. B. C.'s 
 manner of speaking is " imposing.'''' In one respect 
 this is true. His manner excites hopes ^hich his matter 
 
 extinguishes. 
 
 •-©-• 
 
 TTENRY CLAY PATE seems anxious to render hnnself 
 J-J- as obnoxious as possible to the Free State men of 
 Kansas. In the event of a future hostile collision between 
 the two parties in that Territorry, the Lecomptonites will 
 be very likely to get their Pate broken at the start. 
 
 A BUFFALO paper announces that Dr. Brandreth has 
 introduced a hill into the Legislature. Is the editor 
 sure that he maided his p's in his announcement ? 
 
 LONGFELLOW says that " Art is long and time is fleet- 
 ing." Time took wing before Art began, and, " fleet- 
 ing " as it is, we have a notion that it will be on the wing, 
 a tireless wing, when Art is ended. 
 
 THE editor of a small but sharp sheet in Pennsylvania says 
 that his " paper has just been knocked into pi." It 
 always was a little tart. 
 
PRENTICEANA, 227 
 
 AUR Cincinnati friends were lately set all agog by a 
 
 ^ " golden wedding." It no doubt was a very splendid 
 
 affair, but golden weddings are common with us. Indeed, 
 
 the majority of our beaus and belles are decidedly opposed 
 
 to any other sort. 
 
 »-»-• 
 
 \ LADY correspondent, who professes to be horrified at 
 ^^ tJie indelicacy of our paper, threatens for the future to 
 set her foot on every copy she sees. She had better not. 
 Our paper has ^'s in it. 
 
 » e-e 
 
 A STUPID lawyer in Illinois grot thrashed in a fist-fisht 
 the other day. The pettifogger made as bad a " fist " 
 at his antagonist as he makes at the law. 
 
 1 EVI J. XORTH, the great cu'cus rider, is the Democratic 
 ^ candidate for alderman in the third ward of Chicasro. 
 We presume he was selected on account of his well-kno^^Ti 
 skill in ridino; two horses at once. 
 
 ^ X English paper says that a superbly ornamented whip 
 ■^ was one of the presents made to the Princess Royal of 
 England on her late wedding day. We are not told 
 w^hether the bridegroom, upon the making of that suspicious 
 present to his royal bride, looked scared or not. The 
 richest part of the whip was the butt — so we presume she 
 v.-ill give her spouse the other end, if either. 
 
 f^ V. WISE is said to object to the horse in Crawford's equestrian 
 VT statue of Washington, recently placed upon a pedestal at Eich- 
 mond. The Governor says " It is neither horse, mule, nor jack- 
 ass." — UxcJi a nge. 
 
 If the Governor is right, Mr. Cra»vford's horse is among 
 quadrupeds pretty much what the Governor himself is 
 among politicians. 
 
228 PllKNTIGEANA. 
 
 N 
 
 I yiCAUAGUA and the United States are two very unfor- 
 ^ timate countries. The former has liad her President 
 kidnapped and the latter hasn't. We don't know which is 
 entitled to the more condolence. 
 
 TTrilY was Pharaoh's daughter like the Cincinnati brokers? 
 VV Because she got a little prophet from the rushea on the hanks. 
 — Exchange. 
 
 We think she would have been decidedly more like them 
 
 if she had got a big one. 
 
 AISTEW YORK paper says, that in a certain section of 
 that city, the people are growliJig a good deal. We 
 suspect there must be a sausage market in their neighbor- 
 hood. 
 
 F a man publishes his biography, let him get as much as 
 he can for it. He has a right to sell his life as dearly as 
 possible. 
 
 1 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC paper of the North, which supports 
 Buchanan and Lecompton, says that the Kansas diffi- 
 culty " is, without exception, the most miserable exigency 
 in which the Democratic party ever found itself" If this 
 is so, Mr. Buchanan's friends may boast that he is exactly 
 
 *' equal to the exigency.'''' 
 
 ' — •^♦-« 
 
 ACCORDING to one Washington correspondent, Grow 
 struck Keitt t^vice in the face. First the eyes had it, 
 and then the nose. 
 
 A 
 
 MINNESOTA paper says that wolves are abundant in 
 that territory. Broadcloth must be in demand there \i 
 
 their wolves, like a good many of ours, are in the habit of 
 
 wearing sheep's clothing. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 229 
 
 r ET the T\'heels of a railroad train rim over your dimes 
 -L^ and quarters and halves, and there will be an expanded 
 currency / let them pass over a ten-dollar gold piece, and 
 you will have a spread eagle. 
 
 ALL the women of the villages on the shore of the Gulf 
 of Mexico are in the habit of swimming. The young 
 
 ladies are all diving-belles. 
 
 IT may be a question not easy to decide whether an indi- 
 vidual, entitled to no sort of respect, has a right to 
 
 respect himself. 
 
 #-•-« 
 
 OL'R neighbor of the "Democrat," having thrown off the 
 fetters of party in regard to one subject, is evidently 
 disposed to express himself freely on several others. He 
 experiences something of the sweets of liberty confessed by 
 the girl who had lost her beaus : " Sal, I am so glad I have 
 no beaus now !" " Why ?" " 'Cause I can eat as many 
 onions as I please." 
 
 » a 
 
 1\T'0RE than twenty years ago we met a handsome young 
 -L'-l- gentleman who was a zealous Whig. L ist week we 
 met him in Washington, an old wrinkled locofoco. We 
 were not a little puzzled to decide whether Time had most 
 injured his beauty or his politics. 
 
 TTTH AT is the chief end of an Alderman ? — Keto YorTc Pa/per. 
 
 It would probably be muck more easy than polite to say 
 what is the " chief end " of those well-fed functionaries. 
 
 ACIXCIXXxATI paper says that " rogues find no 
 quarter " there. Probably that's so. They might search 
 half the pockets in the place and find " no quarter." 
 
230 PBENTICEANA. 
 
 4 CORRESPONDENT of the " New York Journal of 
 ■ii- Commerce," advocating the increase of the army, says 
 that " we ah-eady have seen in this Republic the necessity 
 of physical law." Yes, we have found the law of gravita- 
 tion especially indispensable. 
 
 ♦-•-• 
 
 IN a recent criminal trial in Texas, a certain Gen. Rule 
 took it in high dudgeon because he was challenged by 
 the Commonwealth's attorney. The sensitive gentleman 
 ought to have remembered that there are " exceptions to 
 all Rules." 
 
 I 
 
 N reading the trashy and sophistical speeches of the lead- 
 ing Lecomptonites in Congress, we are reminded of the 
 old Quaker lady's quiet response to a palavering store- 
 keeper : " Friend, what a pity it is a sin to lie, when it 
 seems so necessary to thy business." 
 
 rrilE editor of the "Washington Union" says that he 
 -L always makes a point of doing his duty. We certainly 
 never heard of his doing his duty when he couldnH make a 
 point of it. 
 
 A 
 
 FUNNY correspondent of a western paper says that 
 he has tried fifty different avocations within the last 
 year and expects to try twice as many next year. He is as 
 bad as a postage-stamp. He can't stick to anything. 
 
 THE editor of an eastern paper, in an article intended to 
 evince great profundity of speculation, wants to know 
 '' if a man falling from the clouds would expire before 
 reaching the ground." Yery likely he would, sir. If you 
 were to undergo such a tumble, it is highly probable, not- 
 withstanding your large experience in tumbling, that tha 
 devil would get your soul before the earth got your body. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 231 
 
 niIIE editor who uses weak arguments and strong epithets 
 -*- makes as great a mistake as the landlady, who furnishes 
 weak tea and stronsj butter. 
 
 HO^J". S. S. cox, Representative from Ohio, says that those who 
 undertake to read out the western Democrats opposin;^ 
 Lecompton '■'■might as well try to read the hichories out of the ice-st- 
 ern woodsy — Exchange. 
 
 If the anti-Lecompton Democrats cannot be read out of 
 the Democratic party, the office-holding portion of them 
 can at least, in these days of guillotinmg, be axed out of 
 office. And so the hickories can be axed out of the west- 
 era woods. 
 
 — •^-•-« 
 
 A VALUED friend sends us a small club of subscribers 
 from an intensely locofoco neighborhood in Illinois, 
 with the assurance that he might possibly increase the list, 
 if we think the effort worth while. Certainly we think it 
 w^orth while. Intensely locofoco neighborhoods are tlie 
 places above all others where we wdsh our paper to circu- 
 late largely. *' Sambo," said a clergyman, distracted by 
 the multiplicity of his " calls," to his old negro servant, 
 " where shall I go ?" " Massa, go ichere de most debbil.^^ 
 
 TOIIi^ MITCHEL says, in his " Southern Citizen," that 
 ^ this country " needs a rattling war." She certainly 
 does not need any more rattling Irishmen. 
 
 4 DUBLIN" editor says that " Buffaloes are peculiarly an- 
 -^ American animal." Bulls are as peculiarly an Irish 
 production, 
 
 THE two sections of the Democracy seem at present to 
 devote their whole time to reading. Their reading, 
 however, does not seem to take a very wide range. They 
 are simply reading each other out of the Democratic party. 
 
232 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 TT seems to be a subject of doubt among the quid nuyics 
 J- at Washington whether Mr. Buchanan will die or resign. 
 We think he will do neither — which is decidedly worse 
 than either. 
 
 TF there shall be any more fights in the Capitol, the 
 -^ United States will soon get to be talked of among all 
 civilized nations as " keeping a disreputable house." 
 
 ALECOMPTON" editor says that he would rather have 
 oranges shot by Capt. Travis from a post or from a 
 cabbage-head than his own. Probably the impartial public 
 would have very little choice in the matter, and see very 
 little difference in the cases. 
 
 Al!^ English writer says that the American ladies ot the 
 present day feel or affect a spirit of independence. 
 We certainly have seen, at fashionable parties, many a 
 lady, who, we thought, might very appropriately recite 
 Smollett's fine lines to Inde^^endence : 
 
 " Thy spirit, Independence, let me share, 
 Lord of the lion heart and eagle-eye. 
 Thy steps I follow with my bosom bare,'* 
 
 ¥E see that a couple of very terrible South Carohna 
 editors went out to fight a duel ; but Mr. A. backed 
 half out, and Mr. C. t'other half. They may be great at 
 eating fire, but they can't stand it. 
 
 "R. STOXE, of the " Texas Ranger," writes a furious 
 paragraph against a neighbor of his, charging him, 
 among other things, with having the hydrophobia. If the 
 neighbor really has the hydrophobia, this is a good opportu- 
 nity to see whether the " mad Stone " will cure it. 
 
PEENTICEANA. 233 
 
 IT'E have received several long commuuications upon the 
 '^ subject of the Ohio River. However interesting in 
 themselves, they are upon a dry subject. 
 
 IF young fellows are a great deal readier to volunteer to 
 go and fight men who have fifty waves apiece than those 
 that have only one apiece, what are we to infer — that they 
 are after the men or the women ? 
 
 THE editor of the " Washington Union " says that he and 
 his friends keep step to the music of the Union. They 
 keep truer step to the jingle of Uncle Sam's pocket. 
 
 U T^OU'LL have to bear the responsibility," said a mother 
 J- to a bright-eyed daughter, who thought of marrying 
 without the maternal approbation. " I expect to bear seve- 
 ral, ma." 
 
 • ♦ • 
 
 AXEW ORLEAXS paper eulogizes the marble statue 
 of a beautiful female as " neat, chaste, and classical." 
 We suppose that all marble women are chaste. 
 
 A LATE biography of Mr. Buchanan says that he is but 
 sixty-eight years of age. He is 74, though he isn't a 
 
 man of icar, 
 
 — *-•-• 
 
 OEXATOR GREEX, in his last speech, undertook to make 
 ►J " five points." They were about as respectable as the 
 place of that name in Kew York. 
 
 ACINCIXXATI paper says of Senator Pugh, that " the 
 truth isn't in him." It is very sure the truth never 
 gets into such a strange Pugh. 
 
234: PRENTICEANA. 
 
 rrilE " Portland Advertiser " asks whether certain ruera- 
 jl hers of Congress must not feel a consciousness of crime 
 when they have the government charged with the articles 
 they take to furnish the boudoirs of their wives and sweet- 
 hearts. We don't suppose they take time to consult tTieir 
 consciences about such matters. " Dick, ain't it wicked to 
 rob dis chicken-roost?" "Dat's a great moral question, 
 Gumbo, w^e ain't time to argue it now ; hand down another 
 pullet." 
 
 A MINNESOTA paper speaks of a lady in that State who 
 has had twenty-one children. This augurs well for the 
 population of the new State. But we think that, however 
 good the health of the lady in question may be, her physi- 
 cian ought to advise a cessation of labor. 
 
 -©-e-#- 
 
 A 
 
 BRITISH paper revives Cowper's boast that " slaves 
 cannot breathe in England." It is quite as much as 
 
 strong-lunged white men can do — in such a foggy ^nd 
 
 dismal atmosphere. 
 
 AN Alabama paper calls the Southern National Conven- 
 tion " a grave body." And yet thousands are laughing 
 at it. However grave it may be, it upsets the gravity of 
 others. 
 
 MR. FOLEY, who represents in Congress the literature 
 of Indiana locofocoism, is slightly too sparing of his o's 
 in the spelling of his name. 
 
 A BOSTON artist has made a handsome drawing of a 
 cork-tree for one of the pictorial newspapers. Perhaps 
 he is the first artist that has drawn an entire cork-tree, but 
 w^e know many a one that has probably drawn more corks 
 than an entire tree woul I make. 
 
PKENTICEANA. 235 
 
 ^^T ALWAYS pick my company," said a suspicious cliar- 
 -^ acter, turning from a company of gentlemen to Avliom 
 he saw he was disagreeable. "^And their pockets, 
 too, when you get a chance," replied one of them. 
 
 CITY paper says that Capt. Travis will give satisfac- 
 tion to all who visit his pistol gallery. We don't 
 hink many of them will demand it. 
 
 ^ 
 
 4 N Ohio editor complains that he has got his hand 
 >x "badly burnt." We suppose that his editorials may 
 L^reafter be considered as coming from a raw hand. 
 
 VILLAIN generally plays the coward, as if he sup- 
 posed that the blackness of his heart might be redeemed 
 by the whiteness of his liver. 
 
 A 
 
 A MAN'S mouth is made to talk and eat, yet he often 
 hurts hunself dreadfuUy by talking, and kills himself by 
 
 eating. 
 
 A DISTINGUISHED writer says that " nothing can be 
 creat which is not right." Will he tell us what he 
 thinks of a great loroiig ? 
 
 AMORAL writer says that every puff of wind has its use. 
 Some people's breath is an exception. 
 
 -•-•-^ 
 
 JOHN MITCHEL, tlie Irishman, is anxious that some- 
 thinc; should be done immediately to stop the free 
 Bpeech of the Hon. John Bell in the U. S. Senate. He is 
 not the only political miscreant disposed to cry out with 
 Macbeth, " stop that dreadful Bell." 
 
236 PRENTIOEANA. 
 
 IVTO doubt the most immoral of musicians is a fiddler ; he is 
 -•- ^ engaged in more scrapes than all the rest put together. 
 
 A GREAT many gentlemen, if they happen to see a 
 widow in weeds, are dis^Dosed to cultivate her. 
 
 A N" Alabama editor says, " we earnestly believe that the 
 -^ great Democratic party has all along been an instru- 
 ment in God's hand for the preservation of human liberty." 
 The instrument, whatever the Lord may have used it for, 
 is certainly broken in two now, and we don't think he will 
 take the trouble either to mend it or make another like it. 
 
 THE " Yicksburg Whig " says that a couple of gentlemen 
 w^ent over the river there to fight a duel, but, " not 
 being able to agree, returned home." It is a very common 
 thing for men to fight because they can't agree, but it 
 seems a little queer that a couple of fellows should, for that 
 reason, refuse to fight. 
 
 A LONDON' correspondent of the "Evening Post" says 
 that " the last Punch makes many suggestions to the 
 ladies, some of them very good ones." When gentlemen 
 take half a dozen punches, the last one generally makes 
 a great many suggestions to them, but more bad ones than 
 good. 
 
 v-e^ 
 
 RS. SWISSHELM denounces kissing at social country 
 parties. She never denounced it when she was young 
 and her lips were attractive. How very proper these old 
 ladies get to be ! Why should not the recollections of their 
 own youth teach them to have some sympathy with U3 
 young folk ? 
 
PEENTICEANA. 237 
 
 A CHICAGO paper, in view of the expected conflict 
 ^mh the Mormons, says somewhat poetically that " Old 
 war is about to raise his horrid front in our land." But 
 this Utah affair is not an " Old War." It is a Young war. 
 
 TT"E like the one hour rule in Congress. A sensible 
 ' ' man can discuss any subject in an hour, and an hour 
 is too much to listen to a fool. 
 
 IT is said to be an established fact that all sorts of brute 
 animals attach themselves more readily to men than to 
 women, We hardly know to which of the sexes this pre- 
 ference is a comphment. 
 
 Y 011X0 gentlemen of poetic temperament should remember that 
 polkas, waltzes, and other similar institutions were not in- 
 vented to give opportunity to hug the ladies, but as a means to 
 display grace, agility, power of endurance, etc. — Exchange. 
 
 We don't believe one word of that. We have never 
 doubted that polkas, waltzes, etc., were invented expressly 
 to i^ive opportunity to hug the ladies, and, that they will be 
 superseded as soon as some new dance shall be got up 
 affording a chance for closer hugging and more of it. We 
 are entirely uninformed as to whether the ingenious invent- 
 ors of polkas, waltzes, etc. etc., were gentlemen or ladies. 
 We have our suspicions though. 
 
 THE editor of the " Memphis Avalanche," in reply to a 
 paragraph of ours about the probable necessity of hang- 
 ing a few southern fire-eaters, says he would inform the 
 " Journal " that the lovers of southern soil, that is the fire- 
 eaters, " intend to do some hanging themselves.'^'' Well, let 
 them do as much in the way of " hanging themselves " as 
 they like. In that case, the last act of their lives will be 
 the best. 
 
238 PEENTICEANA. 
 
 THE course of Senator Green, of Missouri, is unquestion- 
 ably disapproved by a large majority of the people of 
 that State. lie will disappear from the public service as 
 soon as his constituents can get him out. Thenceforth he 
 will be " Invisible Green?'^ 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC editor in Illinois, whom we vrill not 
 name, received a new impulse the other day. He was 
 shockingly JcicJced. He swears, however, that he will " still 
 stand erect." We suppose he will stand up because it 
 hurts him to sit down. 
 
 JUDAS ISCAKIOT, after playing the traitor, went and 
 hung himself. Unfortunately for the country, our 
 modern traitors are satisfied to imitate one part of his ex- 
 ample and stop short of the other. 
 
 THE English papers speak of the daughter of an old miser 
 named Grubb, who lately married and is exciting quite 
 a sensation in the fashionable world. Nothing is more natu- 
 ral than that in ceasing to be a Grubb she should become a 
 butterfly. 
 
 fl'^HE editor of the " Western Argus " says that he ne^ er 
 J- flatters public sentiment. We don't see why he should. 
 Public sentiment was never at all flattering to him. 
 
 fl^HE editor of the " Cincinnati Enquirer " complains that 
 JL a dictionary has been stolen from his table. We hope 
 it w^ill do the thief more good than it ever did the honest 
 man. 
 
 IIE " Scientific American " says, in an article upon ser- 
 pents, that a female adder has fifty young ones every 
 year. It seems then that the adder is a groat multiplier. 
 
 T 
 
PEEXTICEANA. 239 
 
 IT is said that " an honest man is believed without an oath, 
 because his reputation swears for him." It may be 
 added that a dishonest man is not believed with an oath, 
 for his reputation swears at him. 
 
 XE of the Louisville printing offices seems to be a poul- 
 try-pen. The editor says, "An egg was laid on our 
 table yesterday." 
 
 a -« — 
 
 ¥E saw an accomplished surgeon cutting a swell the other 
 day. It must have weighed about a pound, and the 
 operation was performed with complete success. 
 
 IT is said that Mr. Hackney, the late Democratic door- 
 keeper of the House of Representatives, peculated during 
 his brief term of office to the amount of thousands. This 
 *' Hackney " wasn't a " slow coach." 
 
 THE Democratic papers think that we can never succeed 
 in Kentucky because we failed of success in the last 
 election. The Disciples were no doubt capital fishermen, 
 but they fished all one night, and it is recorded of them, 
 *' And that night they caught nothmg." 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC editor of Indiana predicts that we 
 shall support Mr. Buchanan in 1860. We expect to 
 give him a very vigorous support for the ex-Presidency. 
 
 4 LOUISVILLE correspondent of the "Xew Orleans 
 -^^ Courier " says that a great many parties are given in 
 this city. We wish somebody would give one to our neigh- 
 bor of the " Democrat." He has been without a party for 
 some months past. 
 
240 PRE2sTICEANA, 
 
 MRS. A. PRATT of Philadelphia, aged seventy-five, has 
 married a young man named Lamb. One would think 
 that she is old enough to desire peace and quiet instead of 
 having a bed-Lamb always about her. 
 
 BRIGHAM YOUNG, in one of his late sermons, gives a 
 curious account of his travelling four hundred miles by 
 stage in 1839, starting with only $13 50 in his pocket. He 
 states that, at every point where he had expenses to pay, he 
 found his pocket, on putting his hand into it, mysteriously 
 and miraculously replenished. Is he quite sure that it was 
 always his own pocket he got his hand into ? 
 
 1\,TEIsr and women who read a great many light and super- 
 ^^ ficial works will have a mere mass of crude and worth- 
 less knowledge, unless they also read books filled w^ith stern, 
 strong, hard thought. The birds have to pick up pebble- 
 stones to aid the digestion of the softer contents of their 
 
 craws. 
 
 •-•-• — 
 
 THE mug of a fool is known by there being nothing in it. — Ex- 
 change. 
 
 There are a good many fools whose mugs are frequently 
 filled and as frequently emptied. 
 
 SOME persons, after becoming so bad that they can't 
 expect to get to Heaven, seem to rest all their hopes 
 upon making themselves so much worse that the devil won't 
 
 take them. 
 
 •-•-• — 
 
 A RCHBISHOP- HUGHES, in instituting against the 
 -t*- editor of the "Albany Statesman," Mr. James B. 
 Swain, a suit of libel, has put his damages enormously high. 
 If the editor is able to pay them, he must have been like 
 Nerval's fether, " a frugal Swain." 
 
PRENTICEANA. 24:1 
 
 IX Xewburyport, a few days ago, a man of but ordinary 
 stature Jcaocked down an dephant. He was an auc- 
 tioneer. 
 
 — » • • 
 
 AX old friend in Indiana writes us a letter in which he 
 mentions two remarkable day's works, one in spinning 
 and the other in weaving, performed by his daughter 
 Patience. She is a smart gii'l. If any fine young fellow in 
 that neighborhood wants a capital wife, we say to him, have 
 
 Patience. 
 
 •-•-« 
 
 AFRIEXD of ours says he would have always remained single, 
 but he could not afford it. ^liat it cost for gals and concert- 
 tickets is more than he now pays to bring up a wife and eight chil- 
 dren. — ExcJiange. 
 
 But wouldn't his expense be still less, if, instead of bring- 
 ing up a wife, he were to marry one already brought up ? 
 
 ADRUXKEX father undertook to chastise an nndntiful 
 son, nearly as large as himself, in the Second Ward, on 
 the 4th of July, but fell suddenly down— prostrated by a 
 
 son-stroJce. 
 
 — •-%-• 
 
 M BELLY avows his determination to have the L'nited 
 • States held to a terrible responsibility. He hasn't a 
 smgle bowel of compassion in him. 
 
 FROM the days of the poet Job down to Socrates and Xantippe, 
 and so on down to Byron, and finally to Dickens, matrimoniai 
 nnhappiness has ever attached to literary men. — Exchange. 
 
 We have never seen any evidence that Job was a poet. 
 Indeed the evidence seems to us strongly the other way. 
 Job is represented to have been the most patient of men, 
 and we have never known poets of either gerRler at all 
 remarkable for their patience. 
 
 II 
 

 PRENTICEAIsrA. 
 
 A DE^rOCRATIC editor in Kentucky charges tliat the 
 ^*- American papers are getting less and less decent. The 
 fact is they paint truly the features of the Sag-Nichts party, 
 and that party is getting uglier and uglier. "A plague on 
 this looking-glass!" exclaimed a forlorn old maid; "looking- 
 glasses are a thousand times meaner now than they were 
 twenty years ago !" 
 
 A LADY named Temple, who is well known in the fashionable 
 regions in Belgravia, has discovered a remedy for s-tiitteriiig;. 
 It is simply the act of reading in a whisper, and gradually angmeut- 
 ing the whisper to a louder tone. — London Paper. 
 
 We suppose talking in a whisper would do just as well, 
 and it wouldn't be an unpleasant remedy if the patient 
 found himself seated beside a lovely and romantic girl. 
 
 I 
 
 T is said to be a fact that nearly every woman in the city has one 
 or more "skeletons" in her closet. — Boston JPost. 
 
 The skeletons of murdered husbands, we suppose. What 
 a terrible set of females the Boston women must be — to 
 murder their husbands and refuse them Christian burial ! 
 
 A RHYMER writes to us that he incloses some of his 
 pieces, and asks if we would " like to have a few such 
 lays.'''* We would much rather have a hen's. 
 
 AN Auburn paper praises very highly a new lock said to 
 have been got up in that city. Auburn locks have 
 always been admired. 
 
 A SCURRILOUS correspondent of a ]*Tew Orleans paper 
 says that Gen. Scott has no heart. Perhaps that writer 
 thinks that the old hero is all pluck. 
 
P K E X T I C P: A X A . 24: 
 
 Q 
 
 THE Illinois Democrat boasts that an American, named 
 Fitz Hubert, has joined the Democracy. We have no 
 objection to giving them Fitz. 
 
 I 
 
 T is said that M. Belly has not money enoagh to prose- 
 cute his designs. Poor Belly is crcw^yed. 
 
 THE " Blinois Journal " asks if we can " throw any light 
 on kissing. We don't care to ; the thing is just as well 
 
 in the dark. 
 
 A 
 
 MR. J. BLACK, declares for the dissolution of the 
 Union. Let him have a traitor's reward: 
 
 ''Huncr be the Heavens with Blacky 
 
 PHILAXTHROPY and friendship seldom exist together 
 in the same bosom. The heart that stretches from pole 
 to pole is apt to spurn all intermediate ties. Its friendships, 
 if it ever formed any, will, ten to one, be found dangling in 
 mid-air, like telegraphic insulators over forsaken posts in 
 
 the valleys. 
 
 « » » ■ 
 
 ACORRESPOXDEXT discusses learnedly what he con- 
 siders the great advantages of an exclusively vegetable 
 diet. We don't believe in it. Xebuchadnezzar tried it 
 when Heaven bade him " go to grass," and it didn't agree 
 
 with him. 
 
 •-•-• — ■ 
 
 THE rich miser in Xorwich, who dug up his wife's body 
 and took from her mouth a gold plate and set of flUse 
 teeth, has been put under bonds to take his trial. It seems 
 a pity the spirit of his wife didn't come back and animate 
 her dead jaws long enough to make them bite him when he 
 had his pilfering fingers in her mouth. 
 
2^4 TKEi^TlCEANA. 
 
 /"I OOD J\y[. — Crowd ten fasbionablj dressed ladies into one 
 VT stage-coach. — Exchange. 
 
 Tliat may be A^eiy good *' jam," but we'll not be helped 
 
 to any, we tbaiik you. 
 
 • «^« 
 
 LIKE other men, wo are sometimes provoked to give " an eye for 
 an eye and a tooth for a tooth. — JSF. Y. Express. 
 
 We should very decidedly prefer to take an eye for an 
 eye and a tooth for a tooth. 
 
 AFIRE-EATING friend was recently presented with a 
 new pair of boots, which, he says, are " admirably 
 adapted to kicking." Another person we know, a few days 
 before, received a fine pair of boots, perhaps not quite new, 
 but equally adapted to the same use. The gentleman who 
 l)resented the latter pair did not see fit to take them oif 
 during the interesting ceremony of presentation. 
 
 rrilE " Washington Union " says there is to be " no 
 J- change in the Cabinet." There has been precious little 
 if any in the Treasury for some time. 
 
 rrilOSE gentlemen who are in constant fear of their 
 -^ wives, undoubtedly give the very finest exhibitions of 
 sheejy-hiishandry. 
 
 «-9-> 
 
 AK Albany paper says that five gallons of New York milk were 
 recently placed in a patent churn in that city, and the product 
 of the churning was two gallons of good whisky. — Exchange. 
 
 Only let the fact become generally kno^vn in New York, 
 and the rush fcr the miik of the " stump-tail cows " will be 
 greater than ever. However, one good result will follow : 
 not a gill of the fluid will be left for the poor, innocent 
 babies. 
 
FRENTICEANA. 245 
 
 THE *'Couutry Gentleman" says that eggs may be preserved by 
 putting them m corn-meal or bran, small end down. — New 
 Albany Paper. 
 
 We don't think that any one need undertake to preserve 
 our neighbor in that way, for, in the first place, he is a 
 "bad f^gg''^ already, and, in tlie second, if he were put 
 " small end down," his "blood would all run into his head, 
 and he would die of apoplexy. 
 
 rnilE "Chattanooga Advertiser" announces, as if it were 
 -L soroething remarkable, that, although the site of the 
 proposed Southern University is nearer the centre of the 
 Slave States than any other point, " a more ruddy-looking 
 jjopidixtion can noichere he found l''"' 
 
 OUR neighbor of the , attending to a certain 
 matter, says that " from a regard for truth he will have 
 to remain silent." He seems conscious that he best shows 
 his regard for truth when he doesn't open his mouth. 
 
 HE editor of the "Allegan (Michigan) Record" keeps a 
 distillery. His neighbors are at a loss to d 3cide which 
 is the more villainous compound, his politics or his whisky. 
 
 T 
 
 THE editor of the " Mercury" says "everything 
 must have an end." He no doubt has two — one to be 
 
 cuffed and the other kicked. 
 
 M' 
 
 R. CRITTEXDEX is m no danger from the miserable 
 J-'-L little politicians that are assailing him. Cromwell came 
 near being strangled in his cradle by a monkey, but the 
 fUll-grown Cromwell ^.ould have defied ''a wilderness of 
 monkeys," and so can the full-grown Cj-ittenden. 
 
L'16 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 A WASHINGTON correspondent of the "Hartford 
 
 -^*- Times" says that the President sometimes sheds tears 
 
 over the dissensions of the Democracy, lie seems to he a 
 
 crying evil. 
 
 • ♦« 
 
 rpriE editor of the " Inquirer " says he would " rather hold 
 -A- a controversy with statesmen than with blackguards." 
 Of course, for he has more cause of difference with them. 
 
 ANEW YORK jury, upon clear proof that a man had 
 deliberately shot a woman for resisting his base efforts 
 to dishonor her, found him guilty of murder in the second 
 degree. What sort of murder would that jury call "A 
 No. 1 ?" 
 
 ¥IIEN the tailor looked at the Falls of Niagara, with its 
 thick cloud of spray, he exclaimed, " Gods ! what a 
 place to sponge a coat !" When a corrupt politician looks 
 at a seat in Congress, with all its immense facilities for sacri- 
 ficing the national interests to the highest bidder, he men- 
 tally exclaims, " Gods ! what a splendid place to sponge the 
 
 people !" 
 
 — •-»-• 
 
 rpiIE editor of the "Indiana Journal'' says he is a believer in 
 X "total depravity." Since we became an attentive reader of 
 the "Journal" we have ourselves been half converted to that doc- 
 trine. — New Albany Ledger. 
 
 And the other half, too, we guess ; and we certainly sliall 
 not' be so uncivil as to charge any inconsistency between 
 your doctrine and your practice. 
 
 A N Indiana editor says very ill-naturedly that he's not 
 ^ disposed to give us credit for anything. He ought to 
 credit us for the money he once borrowed of us as well as 
 for the paragraphs lie now steals from us. 
 
PKENTICEAXA. 247 
 
 rrilE " South vsriier" speaks of a man who died, leaving all 
 
 -■- his property to his sons if they should be Democrats. 
 
 That old fellow evidently took a hint from the Greek 
 
 philosopher, who bequeathed a large fortune to his children 
 
 if they should prove fools ; for, said he, if they are wise men 
 
 they will not need it. 
 
 •♦■• — 
 
 4 LITTLE Democratic editor in the interior professes to 
 -^ be holding his nose at the Know Nothing party. Let 
 liim hold it, and pinch it, and pull it, and twist it, as much 
 as he pleases. He can save better men the trouble. 
 
 rpHE editor of the "Portland Democrat recently proposed 
 J- to pay some of his small debts by sending his paper to 
 Jiis creditors. A neiii'hbor of his thinks that it would be 
 outrageous to pay a debt to the devil himself in such a 
 depreciated currency. But we don't see why the devil 
 shouldn't be paid in his own coin. 
 
 BE careful, neighbor Prentice, for, "if the righteous shall scarcely 
 be saved," what the deuce will become of you? — Cincinnati 
 Enquirer. 
 
 Why, of course, in that event, we shall " scarcely be 
 Baved." 
 
 1T7E hope the merchants of Cairo are doing a fine business. 
 
 » T We kuow^ that, a short time ago, they were entirely 
 
 out of dry goods.* 
 
 - — •-• • — 
 
 \X Arkansas editor complains that his town, for some 
 time past, has been "filled with fishermen and loafers," 
 and w^onders "what they are after." After loaves and 
 fishes no doubt. 
 
 * The town ^yp.s inundated v;\i\\ water. 
 
213 TRENTICEANA. 
 
 ^rilE entrance door of the new Capitol at Washington, 
 -■- simply the iloo)\ constructed under the direction of the 
 liuchanan administration, cost $23,000. We suppose that 
 the Democracy will swallow unhesitatingly most of the 
 administration's expenditures, but we guess that even they 
 won't much like to holt that door. 
 
 THE " London Times " exclaims " how shall Great Bri- 
 tain get rid of the war in Asia ?" Why doesn't she 
 
 carry it into Africa ? 
 
 — ♦_*-# 
 
 IT is rumored that one of the Sag-Xichts editors in this 
 State intends going to California. He would have found 
 it difficult to go there by sea before the passage across the 
 isthmus was opened. He never could pass around a horn. 
 Ah, we mistake, he could always double a liorn without 
 
 difficulty. 
 
 •^♦-« 
 
 1 F the Mrs. Blount whose name is just now in everybody's 
 -A mouth, doesn't properly respect herself or her husband, 
 it can't be denied that she shows every disj^osition to 
 lllvibre her daughter. 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC editor in Illinois cries out against 
 " human nature." We don't think very much of human 
 nature ourselves. Sometimes we are half disposed to think 
 that it would have been as well if Eve had taken the sulks 
 and refused to have Adam. 
 
 k REPUBLICAN" paper complains that the Northern 
 -^^ members of Congress who concede most to the South 
 at Washington are the very ones who claim most for the 
 North at home. Very likely. Fellows that "lick tlie 
 dust " before their election may be expected to " eat dirt " 
 afterward. 
 
PEENTICEANA. 249 
 
 OXK of the snLjccts of Parisian gossip just now, is a rare case 
 recentlj brought to light of a man 120 years old. Pour years ago 
 he married a wife who was his junior by just a hundred years, and 
 by whom he has three children I — Exchange. 
 
 We don't believe they look like him. 
 
 I 
 
 T is said that the health of Cairo is bad. We shall never 
 believe in the water cure again. 
 
 THE editor of the " Portland Journal " says that his 
 neighbor dreams continually of getting into a position 
 where he could seize on the contents of the National 
 Treasury. It must be a silly spirit that inspires such silly 
 dreams. " Abel ! Abel ! " cried an old gentleman one 
 night to his son, " Satan has been tempting me all night to 
 go and drown myself in the horse-trough." "Well, he 
 must be a great fool, daddy, for there hasn't been a drop of 
 water in it these six weeks." 
 
 A WRITER in the " Minnesota Advocate " says, that, 
 -^ *- unable to get help, he has left his garden to be culti- 
 vated by his poultry. We hope, their crops are all in good 
 
 condition. 
 
 •-•-• — 
 
 rrilE editor of the " Portland Democrat," after talking 
 J- extravagantly and ridiculously about the merits of 
 the administration, says that he is " incompetent to describe 
 them fully." Then we advise him to take a hint from the 
 advice given by the Methodist minister, to a good brother 
 who was groaning tremendously at a love feast. " Please, 
 brother, groan a little more quietly." "Ah, sir, these are 
 groanings that cannot be uttered." " Then, for conscience' 
 sake don't try to utter them, for you make terrible work of 
 it, and it can't be done." 
 
 11* 
 
250 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 i MEETING of foreigners, to protest against the Sunday 
 
 -^* law, was held in Newark, a few days ago. The Sabbath 
 
 is a dreadful annoyance to a large portion of the foreigners 
 
 in this country. It may seem a little strange that they have 
 
 not utterly destroyed it, when we consider how continually 
 
 they are breaking it. 
 
 »^* 
 
 ri^IIE getters-up of a bear-hunt in Minnesota invite the 
 
 -■L ladies to participate in the sport. But the ladies had 
 
 better not do it, especially if they dress foshionably. Each 
 
 of them might chance to be shot from appearing to be " a 
 
 little hare.'''' 
 
 — •-•-• 
 
 THE "Ohio Democrat" asks why it is much easier to 
 turn an American into a Democrat, than to turn a 
 Democrat into an American. If the fact is so, the reason 
 must be akin to that for w^hich it is very easy to convert a 
 diamond into charcoal, but quite impossible to convert 
 charcoal into diamonds. 
 
 DIFFICULTY occurred the other day between two 
 editors in Texas. One snapped his fingers in the other's 
 face, and the other returned the compliment with the snap 
 of a pistol. The pistol didn't go off any more than the fin- 
 gers did. Both parties w^ere decidedly snappish. 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC organ boasts that Mr. Buchanan's 
 ^ friends will never desert their colors. But they are 
 everywhere turning pale with fear — their colors desert 
 
 them, 
 
 •-•-• 
 
 A WASHINGTON correspondent of the " New York 
 A Express " calls the officers of the Government " Trea- 
 sury buzzards." A pretty large proportion of them belong 
 to a different species of birds. Many a one of them is a- 
 rob-in'. 
 
PREXTICEAXA. 251 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC organ in TVisconsin, in view of a late 
 occurrence, insists that every man in office " should 
 have a strong box and put into it every dollar as fast as 
 received." But not a few of the office-holders have quite 
 other uses for dollars than to lock them up. " Pat," said a 
 Yankee to an Irishman, " you should buy a trunk to put 
 your clothes in." " What, an' go naked this cowld 
 weather ?" 
 
 OUTv old friend of the " Southern American " publishes 
 that he was married last week. We congratulate him 
 and his bride. May every blessing rest upon them, and 
 may tliey every year have occasion to exclaim joyously, 
 
 ''Oh, Gemini!'' 
 
 »^-»-« 
 
 IillE editor of the "Democrat " talks about the "sinking 
 fund." Every fund that his party gets a chance at 
 becomes a rapidly sinking one. 
 
 rrilE Democratic organs, instead of crying " peace, peace," 
 
 -*- have better reason to cry " piece, piece," for their party 
 
 is all in pieces. 
 
 » • > 
 
 LOUIS XAPOLEOX has been doing the sweet to Victoria, kiss- 
 ing her on both cheeks — leaving the British Queen nothing 
 further to present him for salute. — X. Y. Express. 
 
 Why, where are her dear majesty's lips ? When France's 
 ex-loafer was kissing her first upon one cheek and then 
 upon the other, hadn't he the courage and the good taste 
 to pause for one all-blissful moment half-way between the 
 two ? 
 
 A CORRESPOXDEXT boasts of having raised seventy- 
 ■^^ five bushels of wheat to the acre. We set down a con- 
 siderable portion of that grain to the account of " grains of 
 allowance." 
 
252 r K E :n T I c k ana. 
 
 MARY AXX BUSWELL has been indicted for having 
 three husbands. If her personal accomplishments are 
 in keeping with her name, she can no doubt get as many 
 husbands and lovers as she pleases. 
 
 I RAILROAD track-layer in Massachusetts has ab- 
 ■^^ sconded with a considerable amount of funds. He pre- 
 ferred making tracks to laying them. 
 
 AN" Ohio editor threatens to " pitch into the railroads." 
 The Ohio river has its defects as well as the railroads. 
 Why not pitch into that ? 
 
 THERE is a coffee-house keeper in our city, who sets out 
 handsome mint-juleps at his open window to attract 
 customers. In all kindness we suggest to him that they 
 are a little too convenient to the thirsty passers-by. He 
 had better " haul in his horns." 
 
 A PORTLAND paper complains of Democratic " leth- 
 argy." He says the Democrats seem to be asleep, and 
 he threatens to " pull them out of bed." We wonder if 
 they wouldn't, in that case, like oysters, be pulled out of 
 their bed by a rake. 
 
 MR. G. J. BOWER, of Newburn, whipped his wife and 
 she left him. She was right. She was the right Bower 
 and he the left one. 
 
 I^HE editor of the says he has known "many a cat 
 - of nine lives." We guess the cats he has been brought 
 acquainted with have had that number of " tails " if not of 
 Uves. 
 
PR E X T I C E A X A . 253 
 
 MESSRS. TURXER and Copeland, two ricli neighbors in 
 Texas, are quarreling about the ownership of some 
 timber-land. When Turner sends his hands to work upon 
 it, Copeland opens a fire upon them with rifle and shot- 
 gun ; and, when Copeland sends his hands, Turner opens 
 upon them in the same fashion. The two gentlemen have 
 certauily a disagreeable way of " playing into each other's 
 hands." 
 
 A SOME^YHAT notorious Texan, who has been shot at 
 ■^ six times, tvn.ce by Indians and four times by white 
 folks, calls himself bullet-proof. Yv^e think he is in less dan- 
 ger from the contents of gun-barrels than from those of 
 brandy-barrels ; if bullet-proof, he is hardly proof against 
 
 " fourth-proof." 
 
 •^-©-^ — ■ 
 
 lirE don't know of an emptier sound than the rumbling 
 ' » of a hungry stomach. 
 
 THE " Rochester Democrat " says that the Erie Canal is 
 the heart of the prosperity of Xew York. New York 
 ouo-ht then to have an enlars^ement of the heart. 
 
 '\T0 doubt the editor of the " Southern Mercury " is a 
 ._\ « wa^," but a dog's tail can make a hundred better 
 ones any day. 
 
 A 
 
 POOR lawyer hung himself in Milwaukee. Having had 
 no causes he left no effects. 
 
 THE " Washington Tnion " says that " the banks are 
 divorced from the Democracy." If they are, they had 
 better not renew the matrimonial connection unless they 
 are in a hurrv to be vddows. 
 
25-1 PEENTICEANA. 
 
 IN" love, tl;erG is one person who loves and and another who is 
 loved. — Exchange. 
 
 But it is an unfortunate thing if there are not two that 
 love and two that are loved. 
 
 THE editor of the " Texas Herald " wonders how we 
 managed, in a late paragraph, to hit so exactly a neigh- 
 bor of his, with whom he rightly supposes us to be person- 
 ally unacquainted. The truth is, the fellow's language in his 
 paper was enough to enable us, practiced as we are, to take 
 a good aim at him. The case was much like that of the 
 marksman, who, on a dark night, hit a dog right in the 
 mouth at the distance of twenty steps, without anything to 
 guide his aim except the animal's bark. 
 
 PSESOMS who visit our sanctum will greatly oblige us by leav- 
 ing everything just as thej find it. — Indiana 'paper. 
 
 Wouldn't you like that they should give you a little 
 valuable information and so leave you wiser than they find 
 you? 
 
 AiSJ" editor in the mterior thinks that we " eat bad corn." 
 Probably he lives upon mean wheat — for he is bearded, 
 chaffy, and smutty. 
 
 A]^ Illinois paper advises Mr. Douglas to " look around 
 before attempting to reply to Mr. Trumbull's expose of 
 his course in relation to Kansas." But pray how can a 
 poor fellow " look round'''* when he is '"'' cornered P'* 
 
 THE New York papers state that " a member of the cele- 
 brated Fox family has just joined the Catholic Church." 
 A good many of the sly family have always burrowed and 
 prowled and preyed in the church. 
 
P R E X T I C E A X A . 255 
 
 1 riv. BULWER has played tlie dickens in his household, 
 -^'-i- and Mr. Dickens has played the devil in his. 
 
 AXEVT Democratic paper comes to us with the name of 
 " J. Daw " as editor. Is Jack too modest to publish 
 his entire name ? 
 
 TT"E see the question discussed in several eastern papers, 
 ! T " whether a schoolmaster can kiss his female pupils." 
 We only know that we could when we were a schoolmas- 
 ter. 
 
 A X Araei 
 -^^ to blo^ 
 
 X American author says, " there is no wind so ill as not 
 blow srood to somebody." What does he think of 
 the breath of whiskv-driukers and tobacco-chewers ?" 
 
 ALOCOFOCO editor in Kentucky advises us to call off 
 our dogs. The difference between us and him is that 
 we can call the dogs to us, whereas he and his paper bid 
 fair to go to them. 
 
 A MR. HEXRY OBIX argues in the " Xew Ilampshii-e 
 
 ^ Gazette " in flivor of the immediate destruction of all 
 banks. The Christian name of Ohin should have been 
 Jack. 
 
 MR. J. FREEMAX of Michigan was recently murdered 
 by two of his hired men. Could the coroner's jury have 
 properly returned a verdict of killed by his own hands f 
 
 OXE of little Dug's organs announces that he is about to 
 swallow Senator Trumbull. Alas, then, for Trumbull ! 
 His grave is dug. 
 
256 P R E N T I C E A N A . 
 
 "VTrE slial] have our day yet. — Soutlcem Democrat. 
 
 If so, it will be a day not to be despised. We are told, 
 *' despise not the day of small things.'''* 
 
 TWO negro boys fought a duel the other day in Missis- 
 sippi. One was badly wounded, the other killed — one 
 laid up, the other out. 
 
 rpiiE Treasury is in a bad way. It has " shelled out " till 
 nothing is left but Gohh. 
 
 T 
 
 THE "Washington Union" calls Mr. Buchanan "the 
 rock of Democracy." He may be considered such a 
 rock as the Irish are supposed to be partial to — sAawi-rock. 
 
 J A. OLIVER advertises in an Indiana j^aper that he 
 , wants a wife. Perhaps there is some Miss or Mrs. 
 Koland for him. 
 
 MESSRS. E. & S. A. GILL, of the "New Hampshire 
 Democrat," announce their abandonment of the Demo- 
 cratic party. There's no chance for the Democracy to 
 escape, now that the Opposition have got hold of their 
 Gills. 
 
 » o ♦ 
 
 UR Government is still making presents to the Indians. 
 There is great danger, as things are now going, that it 
 will soon have occasion to solicit presents from them. 
 
 HEXRY the Fifth, we infer from Shakspeare, used to 
 swear by St. Paul. Our Minnesota friends do the 
 same tbinir. 
 
P E E N T I C E A N A . 257 
 
 *•' QO I see you are free, Sam," said a friend of ours to a 
 ^ slave just released from the watch-house. "To be 
 sure, I'm not in jail, master, but please don't insult me by 
 callinof me a free nio'O'er." 
 
 THE " Pennsylvania l^ews " asks, " who shall bear the 
 compass and the chain to fix the line between the ISTorth 
 and the South with a view to separation ?" Any honest 
 man would scorn to join such a '''' chain- gang. ''"' 
 
 
 
 H, if I only had a widower for a bean, how I would lead him 
 around. — Myrtle {of the Democrat). 
 
 With a beau-string, Ave suppose. 
 
 TT'TE liave fairly caught our neighbor Clapp at last. — Wisconsin 
 ! T Democrat. 
 
 AYe presume you did it with Clap-trap. 
 
 FROM what we have seen, we judge that most of the 
 civil laws of Utah are criminal ones. 
 
 MR. "WEBSTER at one time, in rather an unguarded moment, when 
 he was writhing under the defeat of his party by the Demo- 
 cracy, remarked in a speech that "all is not lost," quoting, the lan- 
 guage put into the mouth of Satan by Milton, when he was eject- 
 ed from the precincts of Heaven. Revenge and inveterate hate, 
 said he, are still left. — Memphis Appeal. 
 
 That is a slander upon Mr. Webster. He did, m his 
 speech, say in the language of Milton, " all is not lost," but 
 he did not add that revenge and inveterate hate were still 
 left. We feel bound to pull thi;^ arrow from the corpse of 
 the dead statesman. 
 
253 PR ENTICE ANA. 
 
 ATEARLY all the papers regard it as a cheering omen that 
 -^^ the first dispatch over the submarine wires was a "mes- 
 sage of peace." Alas ! alas ! centuries ago there came over 
 the waters a dove bearing the olive branch, but, since then, 
 how have wars incarnadined their fair face ! 
 
 1 TR. BROWX, editor of the " St. Louis Democrat," was 
 -'-'-L mariied a few days ago to a very beautiful and accom- 
 plished young lady, Miss Mary Guun. May their wedded 
 life be happy, and many a little " son of a Gunu " rise up to 
 bless them. 
 
 1T7"E have kept our readers pretty well posted as to the 
 ' ' crops, and we have now to announce that the wheat, 
 rye, oat, and grass crops of the West, have all been cut 
 entirely off. What was spared by the rust smut, etc., has 
 been cut off by patent-reaj^ers, sickles, scythes, and cradles. 
 
 THE editor of a Wisconsin paper speaks of a j^lace where 
 he says " brass coin passes as money." He had better 
 emigrate there. There his face w^ould ahvays be "good 
 for a drink." 
 
 » » 
 
 DAXIEL LOCHRANE, of Lancaster, Pa., getting tired 
 of his wife, and not having the patience to w-ait for a 
 divorce, tossed her out of the w^indow— just threw her 
 awav. 
 
 AXE William Banks has established a new Sag->Tichts 
 ^ paper in Wisconsin. We hope that Wisconsin bank 
 bills are better than her Bill Banks. 
 
 '' pLEASE X," says a stupid little contemporary upon 
 J- the margin of a copy of his paper sent to us. Let 
 him send us " an X," and we will. 
 
PRENTICEAXA. 259 
 
 A BRUSSELS paper gives an account of monstrous per- 
 •^ »- sccutions practised under the authority of a Cardinal. 
 Xo doubt such persecutions are practised under the 
 authority of all the Cardinals. In their church, persecution 
 is a cardinal virtue. 
 
 LETITIA IIAMLIN, a gh-1 of sixteen, residing in Belchertown, 
 Massachusetts, while gathering berries a few days since in that 
 vicinity, killed two black snakes measuring six feet in length each, 
 besides catching two striped snakes, which she put in her bosom 
 and carried home to her mother. — Springjield (Mass.) Journal. 
 
 Pshaw, Letitia! You may be a very pretty girl, but 
 what yoimg fellow will ever be able to pillow his head upon 
 your bosom without dreaming all night of rattlesnakes, 
 vipers, copperheads, moccasins, coach-whips, and anacondas? 
 Who, with your young arms twined lovingly around him, 
 would not fancy himself hugged by a boa-constrictor ? 
 And who, w^th your ringlets falliug over his face, would not 
 imagine every separate hair, like that of the Emnenides, 
 a hissing and red-eyed serpent ? 
 
 ¥E understand, that recently, in one of the schools of 
 a western city, a mischievous urchin took an oppor- 
 tunity to deposit soft wax upon the benches of all the boys 
 and the chairs of the teachers. It wasn't long before the 
 school-room was as full of " waxed-ends " as a shoemaker's 
 shop. 
 
 DEMOCRATIC editor in Arkansas admits that a por- 
 tion of the Democrats in that State are Hving in igno- 
 rance. Probably he ought to admit that the rest are dying 
 in the same condition. 
 
 A 
 
 THE editor of a northern paper says that he is " tied con- 
 stantly " to his paper. Then it ought for his sake to be 
 a whipping-post. 
 
200 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 THE " New York Evening Post " tells a large story of the freaks 
 of lightning in France. A young girl was struck hy lightning 
 and changed to a boy. We don't believe it. — Albany Statesman. 
 
 We cannot say as to the changing, but we have observed 
 that a girl, whenever she is in danger, is very apt to turn 
 to a boy — if there's one about. 
 
 fllllE papers give an account of a young couple in France, 
 
 J- who not being allowed to marry, resolved to die together 
 
 — and did. There might have been some little sense in this 
 
 if they had had any guaranty of a chance to marry in the 
 
 other world. 
 
 •-•♦ — 
 
 "^TR. L. A. POE, a New Hampshire editor, has had one 
 ■^'-■- Dr. Rivers indicted for kicking him. He calls the 
 Doctor " a savage." If the offender is really a savage, he 
 probably belongs to the Kick-a-Poe tribe. 
 
 •-©-• 
 
 rpiE " Washington Union " talks boastingly of " the all- 
 ^ absorbing Democratic party. No doubt it is a sponging 
 concern. 
 
 •-0-C 
 
 AN eastern preacher has accepted the challenge of Brown- 
 low, Tennessee's celebrated fighting parson, to discuss 
 the subject of Slavery with him. The Yankee preacher 
 little knows what he is undertaking. We say to him, at the 
 potter says to the lump of clay in his hands, he-ware. 
 
 ITTE are in favor of internal improvements, but the policy 
 ' ' of some of the northern folks who apply to Congress 
 to do everything they want done is contemptible. There 
 are fellows in that section, who, if they had bad colds, 
 Avould petition Congress to remove the obstructions in their 
 noses. 
 
PEENTIC EANA. 261 
 
 nOWDOIN COLLEGE, in Maine, has couferred the 
 -tJ degree of LL.D. upon Jefferson Davis, the Mis- 
 sissippi secessionist. The " Boston Bee " seems to think 
 that the faculty intend to win Mississippi over to northern 
 Institutions hy degrees. 
 
 R. J. T. iSTAILOK, of the " Pennsylvania Tunes," says 
 that " a true Kno^ ISTothing can hardly be an honest 
 man." T7e have often heard of hitting the nail on the 
 head, and we don'*, know but somebody ought to treat the 
 Kailor in. the same way.^ 
 
 THE announcement of the marriage, at Auburn, of Mr. 
 Edward Straw to Miss Eva Smiley, suggests the proba- 
 bihty that he tickled her with a proposal and she laughed 
 a consent. 
 
 THE Bombay Geographical Society announce, in their proceedings, 
 that they have received a specimen of the walking leaf from 
 Java, with eggs and young; and what seems more curious stil], a 
 walking flower, described as a creature with a white body, pink 
 Bpots, and crimson border. — Exchange. 
 
 We have, in our streets, a great many beautiful walkiug 
 flowers. They grow on twin stems, bare their white 
 bosoms to the light of heaven and the eyes of smners, and 
 expand tremendously. 
 
 A CONTEMPORARY advises all the people in our cities 
 to make their escape to the Springs or some other cool 
 place of resort. It is a matter of course that all our people, 
 and especially the fat ones, will in this hot weather be fast 
 
 running away, 
 
 •-«-• 
 
 THE locofoco papers may as well stop abusing Judge 
 Wheat. Such Wheat can't be hurt by such smut. 
 
262 PKENTICEANA. 
 
 ri'^IlE editor of a Wisconsin paper says that he lias 
 
 -A- " hitlierto been the political associate of Mr. Wolf," 
 
 but that now he distrusts him. An old injunction is, " if 
 
 you have a wolf for a companion, carry a dog under your 
 
 cloak," but this editor carries dog enough in his face and 
 
 soul. 
 
 — •-•-• 
 
 SAUL SMILING, of Portland, long an applicant for office, 
 has got a place in the Custom House. So at last we 
 have Saul among the profits. 
 
 THERE are no women now-a-dajs. Instead of women, we have 
 towering edifices of silk, lace, and flowers. — Punch. 
 
 Ah, well, Mr. Punch, if you ransack one of those edifices 
 thoroughly, we guess you will find a w^oman hidden away 
 in it somewhere. 
 
 THE more our ladies practise walking, the more graceful 
 they become in their movements. Those ladies acquire 
 the best carriage who don't ride in one. 
 
 TT is supposed that angels do not wear dresses. Our 
 every year 
 
 fashionable ladies are getting more and more angelic 
 
 THE " Cecil Whig " says that the administration " is 
 laughing * in its sleeve at the pretensions set up in its 
 behalf." No doubt ; but then it is so out at the elbows 
 that the laugh in its sleeve is visible to everybody. 
 
 IT is announced that our minister to Spain is soon to have 
 a successor. Some have supposed that the administra- 
 tion wouldn't care to send another minister to the Spanish 
 Court. Certainly, the sending of the present one looked 
 like resorting to " the last Dodge.'''' 
 
PEENTICEAXA. 263 
 
 4 RCHBISHOP HUGHES presents horses to those who 
 ^ are his favorites. His master presents bulls to those 
 who are his favorites and those who are not. 
 
 ^^ ARRISOX, the abolitionist, who attacks all persons in 
 
 vT turn, has just made a fierce attack upon the Democracy. 
 
 We do not thmk that any honest jury could conscientiously 
 
 punish him for it. The famous S. S. Prentiss once secured 
 
 the acquittal of a client on trial for libel by making two 
 
 points— ;^rs^, that the plaintiff's character was so bad that 
 
 it couldn't be injured, and secondly^ that the defendant was 
 
 so notorious a liar that nobody would believe one word he 
 
 said. 
 
 — •-•-» — 
 
 r\ EKERAL CASS is said to be worth five milhon dollars. To 
 VX the comitry his worth cannot be estimated in dollars and cents. 
 — Washington Star. 
 
 Suppose, then, you estimate it in half or quarter cents. 
 
 THE Chicago "Times" thinks there isn't a man in the 
 country that is a match for Mr. Douglas. But he found 
 a beautiful woman a couple of years ago that consented to 
 be a match for him. 
 
 A X Ohio paper, speaking of the crops, says that, " in 
 xX some things, the earth has failed, during the past season, 
 to do her appointed work." The fact is, she drank a good 
 deal too much during the spring and the early summer. 
 
 4 X English heiress has married a Spanish bull-lighter 
 ^ This may encourage some of our young fellows to turn 
 bull-fighters. "We don't know that the sport would be very 
 dano-erous to them. Their friends have known a score of 
 horns to enter their bodies every day without killing them* 
 
26J: PRENTICEANA. 
 
 Al 
 
 LOXDOiST court has decided that an actor is not a 
 laborer." Of course not ; he's " no work and all play." 
 
 4 YOUNG couple passed rapidly through Maysville the 
 ^^ other day on their way to get married. The indignant 
 old folks were full three hours behind. So the adventurous 
 young couple had what might be considered " a fair start 
 in the world." 
 
 THERE are said to be numerous young girls in the streets 
 of St. Louis stealing whatever trifles they can lay their 
 hands on — petty thieves in petti-coats. 
 
 THE editor of the " Henderson Commercial " asks if some 
 of the sportsmen won't give him a " a smell of Green 
 River bass." If a " smell " is what he wants, they had bet- 
 ter send him some a week out of water. 
 
 ¥E see some discussion as to the name by which the wire 
 upon the bed of the Atlantic should be called. The 
 word cable is thought inappropriate. Suppose we call it 
 the Atlantic bed-cord. 
 
 THEY don't call the President the " sage of Wheatland " 
 any more, and the title was nothing but chaff during 
 
 the canvass. 
 
 •-•-• — 
 
 ^^riABLE" hats are already advertised for sale. Neck- 
 ^ ties of the same material would be serviceable after 
 one got the hang of them. 
 
 A SKILLFUL worker in wood has sent us the figures ot 
 two little children beautifully carved. "We thank him 
 for these babes in the wood. 
 
rKENTICEANA. 265 
 
 THE editor of the "Democrat" wants to know what could 
 be done if Tom Corwin and we were to break into the 
 Democratic party. Why, we suppose, that, if we should 
 break in, the editor of the "Democrat" could, like the 
 small-pox or the measles, break out. 
 
 MR. ORR, of South Carolina, professes a sincere desire to 
 unite the North and the South. Orr is more likely to 
 disjoin them. " Or is a disjunctive conjunction." 
 
 A CORRESPOXDEXT of an Rlinois paper says that Mr. 
 ^ Doucflas " is a briorht lisrht and not a cras-ligrht, either." 
 As he is decidedly wicked, we suppose we may consider 
 him a candle. 
 
 AMR. BROWX has challenged Parson Brownlow to 
 discuss the slavery question. We judge from the lan- 
 guage of the challenge, that, if it were accepted, the con- 
 test would be between Brownlow and low Brown. 
 
 A 
 
 DEMOCRATIC paper in Virginia charges that " Mr. 
 
 Buchanan has played his game badly." He has had to 
 make use of a very miserable set of creatures in playing it. 
 Not even an old blackleg could play with such 2, pack. 
 
 A 
 
 WRITER in the Georgia " Educational Journal " has 
 asked " What goes with deer's horns ?" We are not 
 skilled in wood-craft, but to us it appears natural that the 
 head, hoofs, hide, and tail should go with with the horns. 
 
 AMR. CARR, of Mississippi, declares for Yancy's south- 
 ern league. Here's a Carr off the track. FortunattUy 
 it is an empty one. 
 
 12 
 
2G6 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 WE have received a communication from a writer who is 
 mercilessly severe upon widows. Widows undoubt- 
 edly do a world of mischief. Perhaps, after all, there is a 
 deep philosophy in the Hindoo system of burning the be- 
 witching creatures upon the funeral pile of those they are 
 the " relicts " of. 
 
 THE young lady who does not apologize when you find her at 
 work in the kitchen will not fail to make a good wife. — Ex- 
 cliange. 
 
 We remember to have found a very pretty young lady 
 
 at work in the kitchen, who didn't apologize, but we had 
 
 to. 
 
 * »-• 
 
 MESSRS. LINC0L:N" and Douglas have, in their discus- 
 sions, given sketches of their own and each other's 
 lives. It appears that Douglas has been a gross sinner, 
 and Lincoln a grocer, 
 
 ANEW YORK paper is discussing the effects of the 
 ocean telegraph. We think it died without leaving 
 
 any. 
 
 •^♦-« — 
 
 THE last number of the " Scientific American " describes 
 a curious fish that has a craw like a fowl. Isn't it a 
 craw-fish ? 
 
 A MAN in Charleston kissed a woman of ill-fame against 
 her own will, and she punched out his eye with a fork. 
 He squeezed a leman and got 2i punch. 
 
 THERE seems to be some dispute as to the cause of the 
 separation of Mrs. Cora A. Hatch, the young and pretty 
 spiritual medium, from her husband. Most ascribe it to 
 spiritual influence. We rather guess that the spirit which 
 did the mischief wasn't a disembodied one. 
 
PEEXTICEAXA. 267 
 
 rpHERE is a great deal iu luck. One man will lose what 
 -■- he grasps in his hand, while another may throw his 
 money into the sea, and a nsh will bring it to him. 
 
 SOMEBODY recommends the young ladies to kiss the young 
 men to see when they've heen '' takin' so'thing." — Exchange. 
 
 The only objection is that the young ladies might thus 
 contract a couple of perilous habits — become too fond of 
 kissing and a little too fond of liquor. If a young lady 
 were to find upon the lips of her lover the flavor and the 
 fi-agrance of a delicious julep, her own lips might cling to 
 his rather too often and a little too Ions: at a time. 
 
 PROFESSOR MORSE has been decorated by the Em- 
 peror of France with the insisrnia of the Lecrion of 
 Honor. He was decorated with a leo:ion of honors before. 
 
 A PITTSBURG paper says that " a spanking business is 
 done aU along the banks of the Ohio." Isn't it confined 
 to the bottoms ? 
 
 CALEB CUSHIXG complams that small <' politicians " 
 are continually annoying him. Xo doubt it is a plea- 
 sant employment to them to stick pins in that Oushin'. 
 
 MISS :MARSH, author of "English Hearts and English 
 Hands," has undertaken a mission to the cabmen of 
 England, with a view to their spiritual welfare. If she is 
 pretty she will not be put down, for when did a cabman 
 ever put down the fare ? 
 
 THE Latin has been for many centuries a dead language, 
 but the so-called Latin that some folks write, never 
 lived. 
 
26S PKENTICEANA^ 
 
 MR. J. 11. OAKS, who was stated to have been murdered 
 in Arkansas some weeks ago, turns out to be still liv- 
 injx. He is live Oaks. 
 
 AMAK in Milwaukee killed his wife, and cut his own 
 throat five minutes afterward. Five before would have 
 been ten better. 
 
 YESTERDAY a stranger got one of our shoemakers to 
 tap a pair of boots for him. When he called for them, 
 lie was insolent, and the shoemaker tapped him on the head. 
 So Crispin tapped his customer at both ends — but without 
 charging double price. 
 
 MR. OWEi^ JONES says that he owes more to the peo- 
 ple of his district than any other man in it. Then he 
 ought to be called Owhi' Jones. 
 
 A WRITER in the "Philadelphia Press" says that the 
 administration is hiding its head in the sand like an 
 ostrich. It will soon have no sands to hide its head in — its 
 sands will all be run. 
 
 TUTTLE'S comet, now to be seen without a telescope, 
 mounted on the constellation Pegasus, has entered the 
 list against Donati's fiery racer, new in Bootes, and we anti- 
 cipate a very exciting race. We bet upon the fellow in 
 Boots. 
 
 HOW true it is that we never put a proper value upon 
 those things that are always present to us. We are 
 now lauding the beauty of the comet, a perfect stranger, 
 and forget the glorious sun, which has been with us since 
 *' in the beginning God said let there be light, and there 
 was light." 
 
PRENTICEANA. 269 
 
 R. DOUGLAS calls upon the Democrats to stick to him. 
 A considerable nmnber of them seem to be disposed to 
 take a srood stick to him. 
 
 M 
 
 TT is said that Mr. Gurlev, of Cincinnati, the successful 
 -L Opposition candidate for Congress, who was recently 
 assailed as a XJniversalist, is now so far converted to ortho- 
 doxy as to be a full believer m the doctruie of election. 
 
 DIVORCES are scandalously common in Indiana. It is 
 said that they occasionally take place there almost with- 
 out the knowledge of the parties interested. It might be 
 prudent for every couple, before retiring at night, to satisfy 
 themselves by careful inquiry whether they have a right to 
 
 occupy the same room. 
 
 •-•-« 
 
 THE editor of the " Ohio Statesman," the next day after 
 the overwhelming defeat of the Democratic party in 
 Ohio, said he was prouder of his Democracy then than he 
 had ever been before in his life. We are disposed to argue 
 with him that Democracy, like sillabub, is best when well 
 whipped. 
 
 COL. A. P. SHUTT was the anti- American candidate for 
 the Mayoralty of Baltimore, but he couldn't get in. 
 He isn't Shutt in but Shutt out. 
 
 MOST of the Democratic organs claim to be the great 
 enemies of impost duties, and they might, with no vio- 
 lation of justice, claim to be still greater enemies of high 
 moral duties. 
 
 ¥ 
 
 E believe that all the commercial houses in Kentucky 
 stand firm, but the Bourbon County jail is hroJcen. 
 
270 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 THE '• Pennsylvania Dutch," of Burks County, have a 
 highly appreciative opinion of Glancey Jones. One 
 of theni said, " it is von sliame if Mishter Shoues be not 
 elected, for he is the Committee of the Shairman of Mean 
 Ways!" 
 
 ¥E should like to know how long it takes a man to learn the 
 full trade of lying. The editor of the " Louisville Journal " 
 has been at it all his life and is still a ^^ Prenticey — Bolivar {Tenn.) 
 Democrat. 
 
 Well, some people, as you say of us, never do learn the 
 trade, whilst others, like yourself, are born to its full and 
 
 perfect practice. 
 
 *-•-• • 
 
 IN Sweden a man who is seen four times drunk is de- 
 prived of a vote at elections. In some of our large 
 cities this rule is reversed ; a drunken man is made to vote 
 
 four times. 
 
 — »-•-• — • 
 
 THERE are two periods when Congress does no business 
 ^ — one is before the holidays and the other after. 
 
 ONE wi-iter tells us that " words :ire poor weapons," and 
 another that " weapons are the worst arguments." If 
 a man must neither talk nor fight, how are we to defend 
 ourselves in this world ? 
 
 ONE of our exchanges has an editorial on " Children and 
 Marriage." The collocation of its words is incorrect, 
 unless it is published in a loose community. 
 
 THE " Sun " boasts of its independence and truthfulness. 
 If it had mouths and hands enough to lie with, it would 
 tell as many lies as its big namesake in the heavens ever 
 shone upon. 
 
P R E X T I C E A N A . 271 
 
 rTHE recent execution of a woman in Pennsylvania has 
 -L called up the old question, " should women be hanged 
 for murder ?" We used to be on the negative side of the 
 debate, but now, as women insist on equal rights with the 
 men, we think the sexes should hang together. 
 
 THEY have got a county judge in Texas who is said to 
 J- have three hands. How can such an odd-handed judge 
 be expected to administer even-handed justice? 
 
 A LOCOFOCO paper says that the " sea of popular favor 
 •^^ is swelling around the administration." Mr. Bucha- 
 nan may be called, then, " the old man of the sea." 
 
 THE sweetest serenade that a woman hears in all her life is 
 the first low tone of her first-born. 
 
 A GRACEFUL CORRECTION.—" The proper study of mankind 
 is woman." — Punch. 
 
 "Woman is certainly wonderfully constructed ; we have 
 always loved to study her and get her by heart. Oar 
 first lessons were delightful, but the maturer philosophy is 
 sublimely grand and expansive. 
 
 HAVE you laid in your winter fuel ? Should the Ohio 
 river freeze^ you may pass through the entire season 
 without being coal'd. 
 
 1 F ]M. Belly intends to make war with the United States 
 J- on account of Xicaraguan afi'airs, he ought to look to 
 his preparations. How are his navel afiliirs ? 
 
272 PRENTIOEANA. 
 
 [/]"RS. HEXN, of Liverpool, has, it is said, amassed a 
 splendid fortune by sj^eculating in railroad shares. The 
 family are somewhat celebrated for feathering their own j 
 nests. 
 
 A MAX is exhibiting himself in New York who claims to 
 ■^ *- live on paving-stones. We have lived, on them a great 
 many years, and always envied the healthy digestion of the 
 farmers and agriculturists who lived on green-sward. 
 
 A GOOD way to light some cities with gas would be to 
 set fire to their editors. a 
 
 rrilE doctor is not unfrequently Death's pilot-fish. 
 
 npiIE Atlantic cable was payed out at first and has never 
 -^ paid anything since. It lived a long while upon its 
 credit, but now^ even its last tick has been stopped. 
 
 JOIIN H. STORY, a locofoco editor of Minnesota, was per- 
 sonally punished the other day for a libel on a brother 
 editor. There are two sides to every story, and one of 
 John's has been kicked. 
 
 A KENTUCKY editor being charged with having " ap- 
 
 -^ peared in a certain capacity," denies it. He certainly 
 
 might, with at least equal truth, deny that any capacity 
 
 ever appeared in him. 
 
 •-•^« — 
 
 A WASHINGTON letter says that Mr. Douglas " took 
 ■^ his gun very early the other morning and went duck- 
 ing.^^ The Illinois senator is a great deal more used '« 
 crowhig and quailing. 
 
PRENTICEAXA. 273 
 
 /^UR neighbor of tlie " Democrat " tries to make fun of 
 
 ^ logic. AYe have known him to succeed better without 
 
 trying. 
 
 •-•-• 
 
 THE " liillsboro Journal " speaks of five women in that 
 town, " the smallest of whom is seven feet in circum- 
 ference." Women must be thick up there. 
 
 JOHX MITCHEL, who made his escape from Botany 
 Bav, should remember that when he abuses fuojitive 
 slaves, he abuses himself. 
 
 THE Xew Orleans papers complain that the bars at the 
 mouth of the Mississippi are becoming a more formidable 
 obstruction than ever. We o;uess Xew Orleans will have 
 
 to let them down. 
 
 »^-©_, 
 
 AYOUXG ladv in Pittsburg discarded her lover for his 
 small size. In his resentment he burned her father's 
 house. " Lo ! what a big fire a little spark kindleth !" 
 
 THE editor of the Minnesota "Times" says that he throws 
 do^\^l our paper with contempt. We don't believe it ; 
 our paper is not to be " cast down by trifles." 
 
 ¥ 
 
 E are not addicted to telling fibs. — Democrat, 
 That's one. — Journal. 
 
 IN" a recent fight in California between a lawyer and a 
 doctor, both armed with broad-swords, the lawyer cut 
 off the doctor's left hand, and the doctor genteelly ampu- 
 tated the lawyer's head. That was "sharp practice" on 
 both sides. 
 
 12* 
 
274 PRENTICEANA 
 
 MR. J. G. SPOTT, a small office-holder in Minnesota, 
 complains bitterly in a card that some of his own poli- 
 tical friends are resolved to get him out, but predicts that 
 they will fail. No doubt Mr. Spott thinks they will succeed 
 as badly as Lady Macbeth when in despair she exclaimed, 
 
 "• Out, damned spot." 
 
 — •-•-• 
 
 rj^IIE editor of the " Mercury " says he has no con- 
 
 J- sideration for trifles. We suppose 'tis but his mode of 
 confessing his want of self-respect. 
 
 ¥E wonder what can be the cause of the very extraordi- 
 nary aversion that our members of Congress have to 
 time. They are eternally speaking against it. 
 
 IT is said that the fur-traders in the Northwest have had 
 large quantities of peltries stolen by the Indians. Peo- 
 ple who trade among savages should look out for their 
 hides. 
 
 ■ •^♦a 
 
 rrilE "Charlestown Mercury" says "there was a breach 
 J- in tlie Democracy of the late Congress that could not 
 be healed." That's strange. Senator Johnson, of Tennes- 
 see, is very vain of having been a journeyman tailor, and 
 why wasn't he called in to mend the Democratic breeches ? 
 
 A VIRGINIA paper says that the portion of the Old 
 Dominion called the Panhandle is inhabited by aboli- 
 tionists. If the abolitionists have got hold of the handle of 
 the pan, isn't there danger that they may upset the whole 
 
 utensil ? 
 
 •-♦• — 
 
 THE elephant is not the greatest beast in the world. Ho 
 ^ abhors tobacco. 
 
PKENTICEANA. 275 
 
 AXEW YORK justice recently sent a negro to the prison 
 six months for lying. No doubt he thought lymg too 
 great a luxury to be enjoyed by an inferior race. 
 
 TIIE " New Hampshire Statesman " says of a late meeting 
 of locofocos, that they " entu-ely filled a two-acre lot." 
 It was a miserable lot of politicians. 
 
 ^•T WISH, Mr. Speaker, to present a liquor bill," said a 
 J- red-nosed member of a western legislatm-e, ?Ie never 
 presents any other kmd. 
 
 THE editor of a Minnesota paper says he " he can gener- 
 ally manage, by hook or by crook, to get np a pretty 
 good paper." He does it principally by hook. 
 
 A REPUBLICAN paper in Pennsylvania says that certain 
 persons in the South contemplate making Old Buck a 
 present of " a plantation stocked with niggers." The nig- 
 gers, when he o^vns them, will all be " Buck-niggers." 
 
 4 DUBUQUE paper says complainingly that '' money Is 
 ^ close." We are afraid that it isn't dose enough to be 
 reached, 
 
 THE King of Naples is growing thin and failing even on a diet of 
 ass's milk. — Exchange. 
 
 How does it agree with people here ? What is the con- 
 dition of your readers ? 
 
 »-♦-• — 
 
 TT^E have heard of a great many trials of reapers and 
 ' • mowers, but we never before heard of anything liko 
 the recent trial of Sickels. 
 
270 P K E N T I C E AN A. 
 
 rilllE " Morgan Republic" hopes that every member of the 
 J- Ohio legislature, who voted against the bill to tax dogs, 
 may be bitten by them. If the animals are sagacious, they 
 will be more Ukely to bite those who voted to tax them. 
 
 rrilE " Wasliington Union " says the gates of hell cannot 
 
 J- prevail against the Democratic party. Certainly not — ■ 
 
 on the contrary, the gates will readily give way and let the 
 
 whole concern in. 
 
 »♦-• 
 
 JOHN MILLER announces in a Minnesota paper that he 
 has left the Buchanan men and joined Douglas. It is no 
 new thino- for Millers to be bolters. 
 
 o 
 
 IN South Bend, on the 20th inst., by Rev. Ira Corwin, 
 William H. Drapier, editor of the " St. Josej^h County 
 Forum," to Miss Sarah J. Chord, daughter of Samuel M. 
 Chord, Esq., all of that place. We have thought for some 
 time that our young Democratic friend Drapier richly 
 deserved to have a Chord around his neck. May there be 
 no release for him till he is " dead, dead, dead." 
 
 -♦-•-^ 
 
 
 
 |UR old friend Mrs. Svvisshelm hits us tolerably hard. 
 Dear Jane, we may give a kiss for a blow if you can 
 
 nianasce to wait till it is convenient. 
 
 A BOARDER at a hotel in Chicago missed |50. A ser- 
 vant, named Abraham, was arrested on suspicion. The 
 money was found in "Abraham's bosom." 
 
 T?YE'S daughters are smarter than she was. The devil 
 ■Li got the better of her, but some of* them beat the 
 devil. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 277 
 
 i T the Democratic barbecue at Faris, last week, Yice- 
 j\ President Breckinridge said "The track of the Demo- 
 cratic party was strewn with the necks of its oppcnents." 
 And the necks of whisky bottles, he might have added, as 
 a truthful compliment to old Bourbon, the ground he stood 
 on. 
 
 '\pt. T. H. CAPERS, of the "Texas Herald," asks if w^e 
 
 -L'-i- have cut him. Oh, no ; w^e never cut anything bearing 
 
 his name. 
 
 »-•-• — 
 
 A TEXAS man, named Trask, breaks every jail he is put 
 into. He has a sort of "breaking out" that can't be 
 cured. 
 
 nAPTAIX TPAYIS, the pistol-shooter, recently hit a 
 V-'' small crack in a target out in the woods seventeen times 
 in succession. He will pass for a "crack-shot." 
 
 BRIGHAM TOUXG says, " if our enemies were to come 
 here in a proper spirit, they would in one month em- 
 brace our religion." More likely your wives, old fellow. 
 
 IT would seem that men often value the work of human 
 hands more than they do those of nature. In Florence, 
 the marble statue of a girl often brings ten thousand dollars, 
 but in Constantinople you can T\-ith that amount buy a 
 dozen lovelier creatures of flesh and blood. 
 
 IT is stated in a Cape Cod paper that the mackerel, though 
 not decreasing in numbers, are becoming every year 
 harder and harder to catch. We suppose they are getting 
 smarter and more knowing. It is very natural, for they are 
 generally found in schools. 
 
27S PRENTICEANA. 
 
 ii QIIALL I help you, sir, to some of the calves' brams?" 
 ^ " No, madam, I flatter myself I have brains enough." 
 " Yes, sir, and of just the same sort." 
 
 THE Paducah paper calls one of our city contemporaries 
 " a notable editor." Probably he means not able. 
 
 ALOCOFOCO editor in Indiana suggests to the " Louis- 
 ville Journal" to "draw in its horns." He no doubt 
 sucks in his — with a straw. 
 
 MR. GREEN, an Indiana editor, calls certain columns of 
 ours " half-witty." If his were not more than half- 
 Green, his paper would be worth twice as much as it is. 
 
 A WOMAN in Reading recently had four babies within 
 twelve hours. She obeyed but half of the old injunc- 
 tion to " labor and loait.'''' 
 
 A WRITER in the " Pennsylvanian " asks whether 
 "Major Botts" is thought of seriously for the Presi- 
 dency. No, but we understand Minor Botts is. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN, who calls himself a Methodist preacher, 
 has sent us a strange political letter. There seems to 
 be some method in his madness and a good deal of madness 
 in his Methodism. 
 
 OUR neighbor thinks that the most appropriate presents 
 that the ladies could make us, would be presents of 
 mind. We guess that many a lady has made him a prea* 
 ent of a piece of her mind. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 279 
 
 A KENTUCKY editor says that among other presents, 
 the ladies have sometimes given us scissors. Oh, yes, 
 some of them have given ns pretty pairs of scissors, accom- 
 panying the gift with the old motto — "we part to meet 
 again." Let those beware who, like our ugly neighbor, 
 would come between. 
 
 AN" Arkansas paper boasts tremendously of its freedom. 
 We suppose 'tis as free as the air, as free as the waves, 
 as free as a Free-Lover's love, as free as a thief makes him- 
 self with the contents of a gentleman's pocket. 
 
 rpHE " Minnesota Times " says that the intensely cold 
 J- weather prevailing up there is " unheard of" We 
 
 prevailmg up 
 wonder if it is unfelt. 
 
 THE " Madison Courier " says that the editor of the 
 " Democrat " exhibits no consistency. That's a fact. 
 Consistency is a jewel, and we believe our plain neighbor 
 wears no kind of jewelry. 
 
 ^^ 1 TARRY me, my dear girl, and you will have seen 
 ^i- the end of trouble." " Which end, sir?" 
 
 I 
 
 F a man is crazy on the subject of money, is it monoma-' 
 nia or money-mania ? 
 
 rj^WO young Cincinnatians ran away with a couple of ves- 
 -■- sels from that city, last week. The vessels were of that 
 kind St. Paul calls " the weaker vessels." 
 
 A GOOD many men and women want to get posession of 
 secrets just as spendthrifts want to get money — for cir- 
 culation. "^ 
 
280 PREXTICEANA. 
 
 rrilE Opposition in Kentucky are in a bad way. — Arhansas Times. 
 The Democracy iu Arkansas are in a bad State. 
 
 11 
 
 A ! Ha ! Ha ! — Locofoco pa2:)er. 
 
 The animal is calling for Jiay. An ass is not generally 
 expected to be able to spell very well when asking for 
 fodder. 
 
 rpiIE editor of the " Memphis Enquirer " says that a man 
 -L should never attempt to kiss a lady's hand without 
 knowing whether it would be agreeable to her. But, pray, 
 how is he to ascertain whether it would be agreeable or 
 not ? Must he, as a preliminary, or rather o. feeler^ squeeze 
 her hand a little to see how she likes that ? Or should he 
 make a direct and formal proposition to her — my dear 
 creature, please let me kiss your hand ? Or should he gaze 
 steadfastly into her eyes until he sees, written distinctly 
 upon the retina, " please kiss me, sir," or until she presents 
 him with the little flower '•^ jump up and kiss me .^" 
 
 A WRITER iu the " Texas Telegraph " says he has been 
 -^ hunting three months in vain for a situation, and almost 
 wishes himself an oyster. If he were, he would find right 
 under every man's nose a fine opening for himself. 
 
 I 
 
 T takes a member of the Illinois Legislature a considera- 
 ble time to get rich in the service. He receives one 
 dollar a day and pays two for board ; the rest he is expected 
 to " give to the poor." 
 
 THE editor of the " Charleston Mercury says " the deluge 
 is coming." Does he think he is Jcnoicer enough to rido 
 out the storm ? 
 
P E E>T T I C E AN A. 281 
 
 fVEE " Washington Constitution " says that falsehoods are 
 -*- a common currency. The readers of the Constitution 
 are rich in that kind of currency. They are in the regular 
 receipt of their " ten thousand a year." 
 
 A WRITER in the " Boston Courier " says he doesn't 
 -^ like Piccolomini's gate. Perhaps her father kicked him 
 out of it. 
 
 A N able writer says that " a man, by exposing himself to 
 -^ martyrdom, proves that he is not a knave." Oh no, it 
 may show nothing more than that he io so desperately m 
 love with knavery as to be willing to die for it. 
 
 ^rilE editor of a Down East paper says that there is " no- 
 -'- thing of the monk " about him. We have been disposed 
 to think him a little monkey/. 
 
 ¥HILE a horse was running away in the streets of Bos- 
 ton, a child three years old toddled directly before 
 him, and he jumped right over its head. That horse was 
 the right sort of a " baby-jumper." 
 
 A CORRESPOXDEXT of a St. Louis paper says that 
 
 -^ " it is very difficult to cross the plains between Utah 
 
 and the States." It is so difficult that the truth has not 
 
 been able to cross them, though falsehood, with her longer 
 
 stride, has. 
 
 »-«_# 
 
 IF two members of Congress are hostile to each other, and 
 one of them wants amicable relations restored, he has 
 only to call his antagonist " a liar and a scoundrel." Then 
 he gets a challenge ; friends interfere — and the work is 
 done. 
 
232 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 rrilE " bears " have recently carried the day in the eastern 
 i stock-markets, and the hares at our fashionable parties 
 all over the country. 
 
 A TENNESSEE editor charges that Mississippians, as a 
 general rule, can stand dunning better than any people 
 he ever saw. We suppose they have lived so long in a 
 mosquito country that they don't mind being bored by 
 bills. 
 
 • 9 * 
 
 AT the last dates from Kansas, it seemed likely that Gen. 
 Jim Lane's leg would have to be cut off. Well, in that 
 case he will, as a candidate for office, stump it all the bet- 
 ter. 
 
 •-©-• — 
 
 IT is a very rare thing to find a man preferring his neigh- 
 bor's son or daughter to his own. It is not half so 
 rare to find one preferring his neighbor's wife to his own. 
 
 IT is rather melancholy that the two greatest living novel- 
 ists, Dickens and Bulwer, are separated from their wives. 
 Each of the two seems to be idolized by almost every lady 
 in the world except the one he exchanged vows with at the 
 altar. 
 
 MISS MITCHELL, the famous American astronomer, has re- 
 turned to her home in Massachusetts. — Exchange. 
 We have two famous Miss Mitchells — one an astronomer 
 and the other a star. 
 
 THE " Montgomery Journal " undertakes to explain phi- 
 losophically why certain persons grow very tall. We 
 presume the simple reason is that they can do " nothing 
 shorter, '>'* 
 
PRENTIOEANA. 283 
 
 T^HE President proffered an office to a Democrat out in 
 J- Illinois, and the Democrat, in his letter of acceptance, 
 enumerated to the President the perquisites he should ex- 
 pect with the office. This fellow is like the Irishman, who 
 was about to marry a southern girl. " Will you take this 
 woman as your wedded Vv^ife ?" " Yes, your riv'rance, and 
 
 the nagui's too." 
 
 • • ♦ — ■ 
 
 OEXATOR BIGLER and the Hon. Jehu G. Jones, are 
 ^ making every exertion to rally the Lecompton Demo- 
 cracy of Pennsylvania. _Jehu drives ahead with all his 
 might, and Bigler "drives like Jehu." 
 
 A CORRESPOXDEXT named Short, who professes to 
 -^ be an ardent admirer of ours, writes that he is cominor 
 to our office to scold us about a certain matter. "We rather 
 object to such Short-comings. 
 
 THE Roman Catholic organ in Xew York complains of 
 the lack of proper support. It says that Roman Catho- 
 lic papers in Europe are always prosperous. Xo doubt they 
 grow fat — fed with, steaks from the rumps of papal bulls. 
 
 THERE is an editor in Alabama named Drinkard. The 
 editor of the " Indiana Times " might with truth say to 
 him: "If i were w, you would be just what Zam." 
 
 SOME sharpers seem to act upon the assumption that, if 
 they cheat a poor fellow out of his farm, he has 7io 
 
 ground for complaint. 
 
 %%• 
 
 SOME people use one-half their ingenuity to get into 
 debt, and the other half to avoid paying it. 
 
284: PRENTICEANA. 
 
 A CERTAIN" western editor, complains that he fell from 
 -tV his horse the other day, and is a Uttle lame. He was 
 always a mere apology for an editor, and now we suppose 
 he is " a la7)ie apology." 
 
 A WRITER of dull tales and essays boasts that he 
 " takes great pains " with what he writes. Let him, by 
 all means, stop then, for he gives more pains than he 
 takes. 
 
 CUBA is called " the Key of the Gulf." Spain carries 
 the key at her girdle ; but, if she use it to lock us in or 
 out, we shall have to blow her lock open and herself up with 
 gunpowder. 
 
 MR. J. R. WALL, an Alabama Democrat, talks about 
 the " lies in circulation " in his neighborhood. We 
 guess there would be little trouble in pinning the greater 
 part of them to the Wall. 
 
 AMR. DAVIS says in an lUlinois paper, that " no living 
 man " can match him as a reaper. We don't suppose 
 that any dead one can, though Death himself could beat 
 him. 
 
 A HOG-RAISER in Indiana has written us an impudent 
 letter. We advise him to stop writing. The only pen 
 he has that's of any account is his pig-pen. 
 
 ¥E have often heard of pitching tents, but a democratic 
 editor boasts that his party, in the spring of 1860, " will 
 pitch their platform." Let them pitch it well, and there 
 may be a chance of their sticking to it. 
 
PEENTICEANA. 285 
 
 « 
 
 THE editor of the Constitution says, that he " ignores the 
 American party." He is a fellow of infinite ignore- 
 ance. 
 
 ¥OMEX have surely no business to sulk, or fib, or swear, 
 or drink, for they make us men do all four of these 
 uo-ly things, more than enough for ourselves and them. 
 
 T is in vain to hope to please all alike. Let a man stand 
 with his face in what direction he will, he must neces- 
 sarily turn his back on one half of the world. 
 
 I 
 
 IT is very well to blush when you are detected in a mean 
 act, but you had a great deal better blush when you fiist 
 think of committing it. 
 
 r' water were so scarce as to command a high price, men 
 would esteem it the greatest of luxuries, and drunken- 
 ness would be less common than it is. 
 
 A GREAT difi'erence between us and one of our neigh- 
 bors is, that we don't tell half of what we know, while 
 he doesn't know half of what he tells. 
 
 SOUTHERX editor admits, with evident vanity, that 
 he is somewhat " sudden and quick in quarrel." Sud- 
 den and quick to run away, we guess. 
 
 A 
 
 U 4 H, my dear girl, you have the rmg of the true 
 A metai." " Xo, I haven't, sir. You said that it was 
 pure gold when you gave it to me, but the jeweler saya 
 'tis nothing but bogus." 
 
2S6 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 I 
 
 O matter how earnestly a bad man may invite you to 
 visit his house, don't " i^ut your foot in it." 
 
 MR. JAMES SKIPP, an old scholar of ours, has married 
 a Miss Stone. Jimmy is at his old tricks j he always 
 used to Skipp the hard words. 
 
 THE genuine locofoco party in this country is the natural 
 child of the Jacobin party of France. So it needn't 
 undertake to put on airs. "Won't go, hey ?" said a negro 
 boy to the mule he was trying to drive ; " feel grand, do 
 you ? S'pose you've forgot that your father was a jack- 
 ass." 
 
 MR. J. P. LUSE has succeeded the Messrs. Terrill in the 
 management of the "Lafayette (Ind.) Journal." The 
 democratic papers all slandered the Terrills, and now we 
 suppose they will be lying about Luse. 
 
 T 
 
 HE " Washington Union " attributes the decay of the Demo- 
 cratic party to its excess of great men. — Gin. Times. 
 
 The "Union " had better attribute the decay not to the 
 excess of its great men but to the shameful excesses of its 
 little ones. 
 
 THE ex-office-holder of the "Democrat" hasn't half so 
 much spirit as an overloaded musket. He didn't kick 
 when he was discharged. 
 
 THE editor of a Southern paper promises to dispose of the 
 entire slavery question " in a few short articles." He 
 gays he has it all m his head. Well, we have heard that 
 t\e whole thing was in a nutshell. 
 
PRENTICEAIJ^A. 287 
 
 THE editor of a Xew Hampshire paper coraplains that hia 
 political opponents make a mark of him. He is certainly 
 a mark that every honest man ought to toe. 
 
 THE " Richmond Whig " says that Mr. Buchanan in his 
 desperation " is ready to seize hold of anything pre- 
 sented to him." Will some kind friend do us the favor to 
 extend to him the hot end of a pokei ? 
 
 AMISS "^^AY advertises that she will debate woman's rights 
 with a Kentucky lawyer in that city, after which she will 
 make a grand balloon ascension from Congo Square. — Exchange. 
 
 Does she propose to take the Kentucky lawyer up Tvith 
 her ? Or does she mean to throw him sky high in the 
 argument and then go up after him in her balloon ? 
 
 rpO God, and God alone we bow. — Lebanon Deriiocrat. 
 
 Couldn't you make a pretty bow to a handsome woman ? 
 
 AW03IAX was severely beaten in Cleveland last week 
 by her illegitimate son. The boy, although the natural 
 son of his father, is a very unnatural one to his mother. 
 
 THE " Boston Bee " says that the Democracy's back if 
 broken. Well, although we are no surgeon, we have no 
 objection to give it a set-back. 
 
 ACORRESPOXDENT says that Gen. Cass once made a 
 positive engagement to join the Know Nothing society. 
 We don't believe it. We don't thmk that the " old Michi- 
 Slander" could ever have been "right on the goose." 
 
288 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 \ VIIY does a ship-builder daub the outside of his vessel 
 
 ' ' all over with tar ? Would it not be sufficiently pitched 
 
 by the ocean ? 
 
 •-•-• — 
 
 TAKE good care of your cattle and horses, for they are 
 your own flesh and blood. 
 
 ACIXCIN!N"ATI paper mentions a successful pork-dealer 
 turned lawyer. We hope he doesn't mean to turn from 
 pork-packing to jury-packing. 
 
 A CORRESPONDENT writes to us that he has carried 
 the "Louisville Journal" in his pocket through a jour- 
 ney of three thousand miles. He must be an honest fellow. 
 He carries patriotism and integrity a great way. 
 
 R. J. SMART, of St. Paul, was prosecuted by a young 
 ^'-L "widow for breach of promise. He settled the difficulty 
 by marrying her. He made her Smart lest she should him. 
 
 4 DEMOCRATIC editor in this State says that he has 
 ^ " been disposed to smile at the craftiness of the Opposi- 
 tion." Oh yes, " the Httle dog laughed to see such craft." 
 
 A PUSHING politician in Maine boasts of having been 
 the drawer of the liquor bill in that State. Is he sure 
 that he isn't a drawer of a good deal of the liquor itself ? 
 
 FOREIGN Mormons are still arriving in New York in 
 large numbers, bound for Salt Lake. Some may think 
 they w^ll be in danger of reaching Brimstone Lake — lying 
 not far beyond. 
 
PEEi^TICEANA. 2S9 
 
 THE " Atlantic Monthly " says tliat " woman is a link 
 J- between earth and heaven." So is a sausage tossed 
 into the air. 
 
 THE editor of a locofoco paper says that we seem to have 
 a ereat itch to come in constant collision with him. 
 We should certainly expect to have one after such a 
 contact. 
 
 MR. NTJTT is a candidate for office in Alabama. We 
 trust some good Union man maybe found to serve as a 
 Xutt-cracker. 
 
 SIXCE Sickles shot Key, no less than thirty-four men have been 
 shot, or shot at, by injured husbands, that we have account of. 
 — Washington Star, 
 
 And yet we can guess that not more than one has been 
 shot at, out of thirty-four that deserved to be. 
 
 AS3IALL specimen of an editor in Illmois boasts that 
 he is a "Screamer." Any common-sized man, if he 
 vrere to ^Qt hold of hun, could easily make him one. 
 
 I 
 
 F our neighbor of the "Democrat " is not now m office, 
 he is at any rate only one remove from it. 
 
 UK neighbor says " impudence is a high quality, that 
 deserves great commendation." He does well in prais- 
 mo- the bridge that carries him over safe. 
 
 -•-»^ — ■ 
 
 A MISSISSH*PI editor calls us an " old pirate." If he 
 A were to use such language to our fiice, he might find U5 
 
 a ^e.Q-booter. 
 
 13 
 
290 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 AN Illinois editor boasts of having been presented with " an 
 exquisite mattress and a beautiful counterpane." We 
 suppose he will now He easier than ever — if that's possible. 
 
 THEY have established a " swimming school " in Germany. 
 There are a great many sinking schools in this country. 
 
 AKNOXVILLE paper says that a wife in that neighbor- 
 hood has had three children at a birth. Her husband 
 is entitled to a divorce. She is a very overbearing woman. 
 
 A SOUTHERN editor, after a most vehement exhorta- 
 tion to his party, on the eve of a little local election, 
 says that it is the last advice he has to breathe to his friends 
 upon the subject. We guess they are not sorry that he haa 
 
 breathed his last. 
 
 •-♦-« 
 
 THE fossil remains of a small dog were found in the Central Park 
 excavations at New York, the other day. Attached to it was a 
 piece of bark, on which, etc. — Exchange. 
 
 We knew there were such things as fossil dogs, but we 
 had no idea their tark was ever fossilized with them. 
 
 ¥E observe in a St. Paul paper, a notice of the marriage 
 of Mr. " Henry J. Mander." We respectfully suggest 
 to him and his bride, that they name their first boy Gerry, 
 
 and their first girl Sally. 
 
 — »-*-» 
 
 WHEN the investigations were made at the Brooklyn 
 Navy Yard, it was found that every kind of naval 
 stores and munitions had been plundered and sold. Nothing 
 but their weight prevented the ordnance from being rifled 
 cannon. 
 
A 
 
 PEENTICEANA. 291 
 
 NEW YORK editor exclaims, " How shall we look 
 upon the war in Europe ?" We guess, if he must look 
 at it at all, that he had better peep from the top of a high hill, 
 out of cannon-shot. Byron says of a great battle — 
 
 " Oh God ! it is a lovely sight to see, 
 For one who has no friend or brother there." 
 
 We think he might as well have added : And who isnH 
 
 there himself. 
 
 — »-•-• 
 
 A FELLOW named Woods is writing in an Indiana 
 paper very intemperately in favor of cold water. We 
 guess very little cold water ever passes "that neck of 
 Woods." 
 
 DR. BELL says if war is long entailed on a country, the 
 physical energies suffer by the loss of its finest popula- 
 tion, so that the succeeding generations will be of diminu- 
 tive stature. War certainly does cut men doT^Ti. 
 
 THE "Democrat" says that if we want to know what 
 Democracy is, now or hereafter, we must read its col- 
 ums. We know what it is now, and we hope that its wor- 
 shippers are apprised of the solemn truth, that there is a 
 
 hereafter. 
 
 •-•-• — 
 
 THE Democratic party of Kentucky, afraid of being 
 detected in its true character, is trying to turn its 
 squatter-sovereignty face away from public observation. 
 It will make nothing by the motion. When Jones went 
 to bed drunk and turned over, lest his breath might betray 
 him to his wife, Mrs. Jones is reported to have said, in the 
 mildest manner in the world : " You needn't turn over, 
 Jones, for you are drunk clean through." 
 
292 PEENTICEANA 
 
 WE have not the slightest disposition to interfere with tlie busi- 
 ness of those clever fellow-citizens who each morning send 
 around their carts and wagons and deposit at door fronts, with the 
 regularity of newspaper carriers, their blocks of Crystal Lake ice. 
 Indeed, we are rather pleased in our early rambles, before the sun 
 has scorched the topmost bough of the tallest shade trees, to 
 observe the miniature glaciers lying alongside the blanket sheet of 
 our neighbor of the " Journal." — Democrat. 
 
 No doubt it is rather pleasant to see the Journal and 
 the lumps of ice side by side ; it is the curious conjunction 
 of ice and fire. But, if anybody were to see the lumps 
 lying alongside the " Democrat," probably nothing would 
 be suggested to his mind except the inquiry, w^hich was the 
 coolest^ the ice or the impudence ! 
 
 A]N" editor in the interior of the State protests that he is 
 not responsible for what his neighbor says. He was 
 never suspected of being responsible for ^vhat he says him- 
 self. 
 
 •«-• — - 
 
 TIIEY killed an immense female snake in Pulaski County 
 the other day. We suppose her surviving mate is a 
 
 grass-widower. 
 
 • •• — 
 
 THE editor of a Xew Hampshire paper more than insinu- 
 ates that we lie sometimes. That's a fact. He and we 
 both lie semi-occasionally — he in his paper, and we in bed. 
 
 THE editor of a Southern paper, who calls himself a Cap- 
 tain, steals half his paragraphs from us and half from 
 other people. He ought to be a captain of a rifle company. 
 
 THE crowing editor of a Democratic paper in the interior 
 calls the '^ Louisville Journal " "a scarecrow." We 
 guess it will scare all the " crow " out of him. 
 
PEENTICEANA. 293 
 
 ONE of the prominent speakers at the Democratic pow-wow, at 
 Bangor, said that he " expected to spend eternity in the com- 
 pany of Democrats !" — Kew HampsMre Statesman. 
 
 There is danger that he will, unless he- repent of his sins. 
 
 LOXGFELLOW wrote Hyperion tQ win a wife, and of 
 course he will never write anything equal to it till he 
 shall become a widower. 
 
 A 
 
 X Indiana paper calls Mrs. Swisshelm " a fierce old hen." 
 
 We guess she'll " come to the scratch:'' 
 
 MR. JOHX COTTOX says, in a rather bitter letter in a 
 Minnesota paper, that he has been asking office from his 
 party for five years without obtaining it. Evidently Cotton 
 
 isn't king up that way. 
 
 •-•-• 
 
 MOXSIEUR BLOXDIX took two drinks while he was 
 walking bis tight-rope over Xiagara the last time. 
 Some of the spectators were apprehensive that he would get 
 
 tighter than his rope. 
 
 •-♦-• 
 
 THE last Legislature of Texas contained thirteen " men of 
 mark." Xot one of them could write his name. 
 
 A MAX in Wisconsin, who imfortunately had his nose 
 pulled last week, makes bitter complaint in the Madison 
 papers. He doesn't attempt to show, however, that his nose 
 didn't have " a fair shake." 
 
 AX Opposition editor says that our neighbor of the 
 " Democrat " is evidently ashamed of himself. Wliat a 
 pity he can't change countenance. 
 
294 PRENTIOEANA. 
 
 THE editor of the calls tlie opposition papers 
 " retailers of falsehoods." But why should a wholesale 
 dealer in that article turn up his nose at the retailers ? 
 
 AN" oyster's mouth is not at all handsome, but it some- 
 times has whiter and more beautiful pearls in it than 
 the mouth of the loveliest woman. 
 
 BRIGHAM YOUNG says, in one of his late manifestoes, 
 that "the great resources of Utah are her women." It 
 is very evident that the prophet is disposed to husband his 
 resources. 
 
 THE editor of the " New Hampshire Democrat " gives 
 notice that he is upon our track. It is well that, for <\ 
 
 once in his life, he is engaged in the pursuit of the good, the 
 
 honest, and the true, 
 
 — »^-»-« 
 
 THE editor of a Yankee pni)er threatens to hop on us. 
 Such hops might h7'ew him trouble. 
 
 MONSIEUR BLONDIN talks of crossing Niagara again 
 with his wheel-barrow. Monsieur's harrow will get to 
 be a bore. 
 
 IT is the general impression that buflfalo tongues are more 
 prized than any other, but we believe that, as a general 
 rule, lawyer's tongues seU highest in market. 
 
 ll/TR. JOSEPH NURSE, one of the Free Soil editors in 
 •^'J- Kansas, says that the Missourians threaten to throw 
 him into the river. Perhaps a wet nurse is needed there. 
 
PREXTICEANA. 295 
 
 AFRIEXD in the Pond settlements has sent us the big- 
 gest bulrush that ever grew. "We mean to use it as a 
 walking-cane. So, wherever we go hereafter, we shall go 
 loith a rush. 
 
 THE " London Times " says that " the Austrian soldiers 
 are the best-drilled troops in the world." Certainly 
 those of them who met the Zouave bayonets, were as 
 thoroughly " dialled " as any poor devils ever were. 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC organ says that the Opposition "has 
 two faces." It has thousands of faces, for it consists of 
 thousands of persons, each one with a face of his own. 
 
 l/TR. XORTH, of the " Times," says that he has 
 
 IfX debts owing to him in all directions. But we suppose 
 that they are all " due Xorth." 
 
 1 WRITER m the " Literary Messenger " asks " if there 
 ^^ is no way for a lady always to remain young .^" Cer- 
 tainly there is — she can go to Utah and marry Brigham. 
 
 • k rnHE discordant spirit which recently prevailed m your 
 -L party," said one politician to another, " seems to be 
 passing mto ours:^ " Oh yes ; when the devils were calt 
 out of the man they entered into the herd of swme." 
 
 -• »»■ 
 
 A 
 
 BACHELOR, writing us from the interior of California 
 says that, although young women from this side of the 
 continent often arrive unmarried on the Californian coast, 
 they never get in that condition to the interior. We sup- 
 pose that, like misfortunes, they " mver come single:' 
 
296 PKENTIOEANA. 
 
 " T THINK you must allow, madam, that my jests are very 
 J- fair." "Sir, your jests are like yourself — not even 
 their age can make them respectable." 
 
 AN ordinary umbrella is, in these days, of but very partial 
 use to a lady in a rain. Our ladies should either enlarge 
 the circumference of their umbrellas or reduce their own. 
 
 ^^ npHE Sj^artana" is the name of a secret Democratic 
 
 J- Association in the city of Buffalo. It hardly needs 
 
 the power of association to teach Democrats the Spartan 
 
 virtues of stealing and concealing. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN killed himself in Florida for the love of 
 a Miss Bullitt. The poor fellow couldn't live with a 
 
 Bullitt in his heart. 
 
 — > • < 
 
 THE " Washington Constitution " says that " our Govern- 
 ment wants nothing of Mexico but peace." Yes, but 
 as soon as it gets one piece, it wants another. 
 
 THE pen is a formidable weapon, but a man can kill him- 
 self with it a great deal more easily than he can other 
 
 people. 
 
 — »-•-• — 
 
 A LETTER, describing the personal appearance of Pike, 
 the clever migratory editor, speaks of him as bald. 
 We didn't suppose there was much of a growth upon Pike's 
 
 Peak. 
 
 — »♦-• 
 
 A GREAT rascal, who lived here a few years ago, has 
 -^ been twice tied to a post and whipped in California. 
 We shall always be glad to hear of him at his post. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 297 
 
 THE "Providence Journal" iDublishes a letter "from a 
 source of the best information," bringing to light a new 
 French movement against the independence of the Sand- 
 wich Islands. We shan't wonder if our big-bellied Uncle 
 Sara, one of these days, shall make a mouthful or half a 
 mouthful of those Sandwiches. 
 
 IX a late duel at Xew Orleans, a Mr. Scott was badly hurt 
 by his antagonist, Mr. Bender. He is not the first chap 
 that has been damaged by " a bender." 
 
 " VOU are an old sheep," said a promising specimen of 
 J- young America to his mother. "Well, you little 
 rascal," exclaimed she, seizing the broomstick, " if I am an 
 old sheep, I lam^d you, and I'U lam you again." 
 
 THE editor of the "ISTew Hampshire Statesman " says that 
 his candidate got off the Disposition platform. Well, 
 though his candidate may never have been witty, he has at 
 length " got off a good thing." 
 
 HOMER begged from his countrymen, and all succeed- 
 ing generations have been continually stealing from 
 him. 
 
 THE Pittsburgers are fortunate ; they get their delicious 
 pure drinking water from the Alleghany River, which 
 bounds one side of their city, and are supplied with ex- 
 haustless quantities of Monongahela, which laves the other. 
 
 WE wonder that, among all the titles bestowed upon the 
 moon, none of her poetical admirers have ever spoken 
 of her as Her Serene Highness. 
 
 *.13 
 
298 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 rrHE " Washington Constitution " says that " every party 
 -■- should have the exclusive benefit of its own acts." 
 Yes, but some years ago, Democrats took chiefly the bene- 
 fit of what they called a Whig act — the bankrupt act. 
 
 ¥E should do well to take counsel from the wise and 
 warninsT from the foolish. 
 
 STEALING money from a man's pocket to settle a debt 
 due to him is to pay him in his own coin. 
 
 SOME things are much better eschewed than chewed; 
 tobacco is one of them. 
 
 TT is more respectable to black boots than to black charac- 
 
 ters — to sew shirts than to sow strifes. 
 
 "DE sure not to tell a first falsehood, and you needn't fear 
 
 being detected in any subsequent ones. 
 
 FEW men are above suspicion ; a great many are below 
 it. 
 
 • 9 • 
 
 ii 1\ /riSS, what have you done to be ashamed of, that you 
 J-'J- blush so ?" " Sir, what have the roses and the straw- 
 berries and the peaches done that they blush so ?" 
 
 -•-*- 
 
 A SWEET and tender young woman is loved by both 
 Christians and South Sea Islanders — by the former as 
 something to marry, and by the latter as something to eat. 
 And undoubtedly she is very nice, take her either way. 
 
PEENTICEANA, 299 
 
 X English paper asks what sort of entertamment we 
 coiild give the British if thev were to invade us. We 
 could give them a good many balls and a few routs. 
 
 A 
 
 MEMOHY is not so brilliant as hope, but it is more beau= 
 tiful, and a thousand times as true. 
 
 • t • 
 
 AQUAKT of whisky will neutralize a snake-bite and not 
 intoxicate. We wonder if a snake-bite wouldn't neu- 
 tralize the effect of a quart of whisky. K it would, every 
 drunken man's wife should be the proprietor of a big snake. 
 
 IF the Alleghany Mountains are properly called the back- 
 bone of the United States, our country has a ^ood many 
 curvatures of the spine. 
 
 • • * 
 
 A TENNESSEE landlord, seeing a sailor with a pocket 
 full of money, followed him on the road to rob him. 
 He thought to catch a tar, and did twice as much as he 
 imdertook — he caught a Tar-tar. 
 
 *••■ 
 
 { CYNICAL writer asks " when women will cease to 
 ^ make fools of themselves." Probably when men cease 
 to admire and love fools more than women of sense. 
 
 TF the old maxim is true that the law takes no account of 
 J- small matters, it must take precious little account of 
 many who pretend to administer it. 
 
500 . PEENTICEANA. 
 
 ¥IlEiS[' a man has been intemperate so long that shame 
 no longer pamts a blush upon his cheek, his liquor 
 generally does it instead. 
 
 LET a young woman take the degree of A. B., that is, A 
 Bride, and she may hoj)e in due time to be entitled to 
 that of A. M. 
 
 HEAVEN ever renders her dews to the earth ; but earth 
 seldom, or never renders her dues to Heaven. 
 
 HE dress of a frivolous coquette, however abundant, is 
 
 next to nothing. 
 
 — »-»-• 
 
 00 much rain is as bad for vegetation as too little ; it 
 operates as a check-rain. 
 
 A DENTIST at work in his vocation always looks down 
 
 in the mouth. 
 
 "pROBABLY few women actually whip their husbands. 
 
 but a great many get them whipped. 
 
 T ADIES, take in your crinolines and let out your minds. 
 
 OLD men and women often betake themselves to smok- 
 ing. They have piping: times. 
 
 THEY say that " boys will be boys." Pity it isn't equally 
 true that men will be men. 
 
P E E N T I C E 1 N A . 301 
 
 IT seems now to liave been demonstrated that the aurora 
 borealis is but one of the forms of electricity. It is a form 
 that we especially like. It is incomparably more beautiful 
 than the lio-htninsr, and then it makes no thunderinof noise 
 and it never strikes. 
 
 THE "ISTew York Tribune" says that "Mr. Dickens is not 
 coming^ to this country after all." We have no doubt, 
 that, if he ever comes, he will come " after all " he can get. 
 
 TOHX MITCHEL is by this time in Europe. AYe are 
 ^ rid of him. If he could have had his Avay, we should 
 have been rid hy him. 
 
 * a > 
 
 ME. BREWER, of the " Northeastern Herald " professes 
 to have " a dozen reasons for opposing the Opposi- 
 tion." It is said that " a baker's dozen " is thirteen y but 
 we guess a Brewer's isn't more than about 07re. 
 
 A DEMOCRATIC paper in Xorth Carolina, edited by 
 •^ Henry Timothy, comes to us for an exviiange. We 
 decline. St. Paul " loved Timothy," and so do horses, but 
 we don't. 
 
 AKEXTTJCKY editor complams that a very big potato, 
 sent as a present to hhn, found its way to the office of 
 another editor. Well, he looks as if he had been cut out 
 
 of a Mg potato, 
 
 — •-•-• 
 
 ri^HE " Democrat " says " there are many different ways 
 J- of reaching the Presidency." We guess that some of 
 the Democrat's political friends will find that there are a 
 good man more ways oi not reaching it. 
 
302 PRENTICEANA. 
 
 '^rilE thumb is a useful member, but, because you have 
 -■- one, you needn't necessarily try to keep your neighbors 
 under it. 
 
 MORE persons kill themselves with the pen, than with 
 the pistol, the dagger, and the rope. 
 
 ¥HAT some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety 
 about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease. 
 
 ^i "PRIEND, the Bible tells thee to swear not at all." 
 -L " Oh, well, I don't swear at all ; I swear only at those 
 I am mad at." 
 
 SOME tell us of the impurity of the water, some of tlie 
 impurity of the milk, and others of the impurity of the 
 spirits. Pray, what is a thirsty soul, intent on purity, to 
 do? 
 
 THE most wonderful instance of presence of mind was that 
 of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. In the midst of 
 the fiery furnace, they kept cool. 
 
 ii T WOULDN'T make sluices of my eyes, wife, if I were 
 -L in your place." " No, sir ; you prefer making a sluice 
 of your mouth." 
 
 ^pHERE are a great many beams in the eyes of the ladies, 
 -*- but they are for the most part sunbeams. 
 
 TF a village contains a score of gossiping old maids, it has 
 
 precious little need of a newspaper. 
 
PEENTICEANA. 303 
 
 TF a woman could talk out of the two sides of her mouth 
 1 at the same tmie, there would be a great deal to be said 
 on both sides. 
 
 ¥E hear much about the Dutch taking Holland. It would 
 be gratifying to a good many if the Irish could take 
 Ireland. 
 
 A LADY, who keeps canaries, finches, etc., caged for her 
 amusement, must have a partiality for "jail-birds." 
 
 »^« — 
 
 ¥E wind up clocks to make them keep runnmg and banks 
 to stop their runmng. 
 
 T} ICH crops are often produced by plowing the sea. 
 
 •-♦-• 
 
 LADIES, if you find your husbands obstinately deaf when 
 \on are talking to them, try a Uttle ^a^m-oil upon their 
 ears. 
 
 TTrHAT'S in a dress ? Sometimes a great deal, sometimes 
 ' V little or nothing. 
 
 ]\[0 doubt there are some outspoken millers, but generally 
 i^ they are a mealy-mouthed race. 
 
 THOUGH men give you their advice gratis, you wiU often 
 be cheated if you take it. 
 
 WE hear a great deal about England's poor-laws. There 
 are a great many laws of that sort in this country. 
 
301 P E E N T I C E A X A . 
 
 rpiIE "New York Times" suggests that the American!: 
 J- and the British " will soon be cannonading each other 
 across the sea." If they do not come to any closer quar- 
 ters, they will give no serious offence to the Peace Society. 
 
 WHEN" a man is so angry as to seek to kill his enemy, 
 we suppose his wrath is at blood-heat. 
 
 A GREAT many men often suffer from fullness of the 
 stomach, who will never suffer from fullness of the head 
 or heart. 
 
 F you want a man to do fair work for you, let him have 
 
 fair play. 
 
 — »-»^ 
 
 IT may be difficult for you sometimes to get away from 
 bad company, but don't, for that reason, throw yourself 
 
 away. 
 
 *-9-« — 
 
 '' T LOOK down upon you, sir." " Yes, you seem in a 
 -^ condition to look down for the sky, and feel upward 
 for the ground." 
 
 ^^-9 
 
 A SOUTHERN editor says that he has had half his right 
 hand shot off. We condole with him, but hope he'll 
 excel hereafter in short-hand writing. 
 
 THERE is oftentimes as much difference betw^een a 
 preacher of the Gospel and a practiser of it as between 
 a turtle-dove and a snappmg-turtle. 
 
PRENTICEANA. 305 
 
 ^* f |AYE you read the Ode I composed to Sleep ?" " Oh, 
 yes, and was myself composed to sleep." 
 
 A POPULAR writer says it is not the drinking, but the 
 getting sober that is so terrible in a drunkard's life. 
 Some persons, influenced probably by this important con- 
 sideration, seem to have deliberately resolved never to get 
 bober. 
 
 '' T AM rejoiced, my dear wife, to see you in such good 
 -*- health," said Sparks to his wife. " Health ? why I 
 have had the plague ever since I was married." 
 
 AX inventor in Detroit is attempting to make a flying- 
 machine, and a Detroit editor calls it "an old trap.'* 
 Perhaps he thinks it a fly-trap. 
 
 A MAN, who employs people to work for him, should no^ 
 be more careful to feed his stomach than his hands. 
 
 A WHITE cloud makes a very nice parasol, but a black 
 
 one a very poor umbrella. 
 
 THE greatest truths are the simplest ; the greatest mea 
 and women are sometimes so, too. 
 
 SOME persons can be everywhere at home ; others can sit 
 musingly at home and be everywhere. 
 
SOC P K E N T I C E A N A . 
 
 SEVERAL young ladies in Xe\v Orleans are studying 
 dentistry. We suspect theii* object is to get neai* the 
 gentlemen's lips. 
 
 OFTEXTDlTES the "fastest " young women are the most 
 easily overtaken by the galloping consumption. 
 
 T2B SJTD. 
 
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