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 C . C . ) 3 <r 
 
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 JC.
 
 The Funny Bone
 
 THE FUNNY BONE 
 
 SHORT STORIES AND AMUSING 
 ANECDOTES FOR A DULL HOUR 
 
 EDITED AND ARRANGED BY 
 HENRY MARTYN KIEFFER 
 
 Author of "The Recollections of a 
 Drummer Boy," "it is to Laugh," etc. 
 
 NEW YORK : : : DODGE 
 PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 214-220 East 23d Street
 
 Copyright, i g i o , by 
 DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY
 
 The F\mng Bone 
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 Page 
 
 A good after-dinner speech 16 
 
 Afternoon teas 174 
 
 Alexander 46 
 
 Almost won the bet 23 
 
 Any port in a storm 34 
 
 Artemus Ward at the theatre 159 
 
 Awful lot of practice, an 136 
 
 Axioms 14 
 
 Bashful bridegroom, a 84 
 
 Boo! 96 
 
 Boomerang stories 113 
 
 Brandied peaches 63 
 
 Business boy, a promising 117 
 
 Chief end of man, the 173 
 
 Clerical corkscrew, a 172 
 
 College trick, a 31 
 
 Colored apostles 94 
 
 Costly dodge, a 164 
 
 Couldn't catch up 47 
 
 Couldn't help crying 164 
 
 Cranky couple, a 69 
 
 Cure for snoring, sure 78 
 
 5 
 
 2075350
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 Page 
 
 Deacon balked, the 180 
 
 Delirious 136 
 
 Difference without distinction, a 176 
 
 Disturbing the solemnity 49 
 
 Doing the dons 187 
 
 "Dollars to doughnuts" 66 
 
 Dutch conundrum, a 91 
 
 Eccentric great man, an 138 
 
 Echo, the 54 
 
 Epitaphs, interesting 170 
 
 Exeunt omnes 187 
 
 Extremes meet 60 
 
 Farm accidents 98 
 
 Fast train, a 167 
 
 Finally the worm turned 126 
 
 Fire screen, a 62 
 
 First class 144 
 
 Flank movement, a xoa 
 
 Fool according to his folly, a 47 
 
 Forbidden fruit, the 107 
 
 Getting a wife 155 
 
 "God bless our home" 26 
 
 Go to father 169 
 
 Good ear, a 178 
 
 Great country, a 97 
 
 Hard witness, a 118 
 
 He cut it short zoo 
 
 He didn't get it in the neck 117 
 
 He warned her 90 
 
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 The Funng Bone 
 
 Page 
 
 How the young idea shoots 58 
 
 How to catch a mule 58 
 
 Ill-assorted couple 41 
 
 Impossible, but funny 120 
 
 Incorrigible 91 
 
 Inquisitive boy, an 26 
 
 In search of a restaurant 76 
 
 In the class-room 74 
 
 In the way they should go 147 
 
 It wouldn't work 151 
 
 Keen cutters 108 
 
 Keeping a secret 149 
 
 Kickin', a 85 
 
 Knight errant, a 165 
 
 Knightly conundrum, a 176 
 
 Laughed it out of court 57 
 
 Left-handed compliments 139 
 
 Lincoln story, a 18 
 
 Lincoln story, another 19 
 
 Lionized 56 
 
 Literature made easy 77 
 
 Logic is logic 55 
 
 Logic of grammar, the 135 
 
 Lonely place, a 103 
 
 Louder 29 
 
 Mean company, a 131 
 
 Michael Maloney's serenade 15 
 
 Millinerymania 136 
 
 "Mounted?" 64 
 
 7
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 Page 
 
 Names for the twins 59 
 
 Naming the apostles 109 
 
 Near the end of his journey 95 
 
 Not good looking 101 
 
 No thoroughfare 148 
 
 No water in his 128 
 
 "Old Hoss!" 48 
 
 Old Man Snuckles 76 
 
 On the point of a needle 154 
 
 One place or the other 28 
 
 Other eye, the 149 
 
 Part in the play, his 172 
 
 Pepper-sauce 27 
 
 Poor business location, a , . . . 81 
 
 Poor, the 36 
 
 Prayer that was answered, a 25 
 
 Price of a dog, the 104 
 
 Protecting the minister 182 
 
 Punishment made sure 83 
 
 Pure Scotch 124 
 
 Rabbits enough 94 
 
 Raising Cain 129 
 
 Rear guard, the 112 
 
 Rest and a change, a 140 
 
 Right-of-way, the 179 
 
 Rough on the deacon 93 
 
 Rural justice 121 
 
 Same old kind, the 141 
 
 Sanctum, the 156 
 
 8
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 Page 
 
 Sharp reproof, a 150 
 
 Sharpening their wits 41 
 
 She came to his aid 161 
 
 She dried up 20 
 
 Shrewd selection, a 177 
 
 Shy boarder, the 176 
 
 Slow coach, a 168 
 
 SnolKgoster, the 39 
 
 So many bald heads 70 
 
 She spoiled the poetry 171 
 
 Strongest man, the 42 
 
 Stutterers, the 44 
 
 Sudden rise, a 48 
 
 Sure thing, a 133 
 
 Tact and no tact 52 
 
 Tale of a sausage, a 82 
 
 Technique 51 
 
 Temperance a hundred years ago 37 
 
 Thackeray and the oyster 166 
 
 That terrible infant 22 
 
 Three asses, the 73 
 
 Timely answer, a 21 
 
 Too young 80 
 
 Tough goose-yarn, a 142 
 
 Turkey was tame, the 112 
 
 Two polite and spunky boys 67 
 
 Unanimous action 174 
 
 Use of riches 24 
 
 Very good investment, a 34 
 
 9
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 Page 
 
 Walla Walla! 183 
 
 What the statute did not say 17 
 
 "Who'd 'a' bin 'er?" 147 
 
 Why he was a democrat ia5 
 
 Why the Hawkeye man couldn't pay 105 
 
 Why they married 42 
 
 Wicked parrot, the 185 
 
 Wind and water 72 
 
 Wonderful climate, a 99 
 
 Yankees, the 38 
 
 10
 
 "Laugh and grow fat is a saying of 
 
 old, 
 Whether or no 'tis a cause of 
 
 obesity, 
 This much I know that the physical 
 
 man 
 Laughter demands as a kind of 
 
 necessity. 
 
 Ha, ha, ha ! Ha, ha, ha ! 
 Laughter demands as a kind of 
 
 necessity." 
 
 Old Song.
 
 AXIOMS 
 Tew brake a mule commence at his head. 
 
 In shooting at a deer that looks like a calf, 
 always aim so as to miss it if it iz a calf, and to 
 hit it if it iz a deer. 
 
 Tew git rid of cock-roaches sell yure house, 
 and lot, and flee tew the mountains. 
 
 Tew pick out a good husband shut up both 
 eyes, grab hard, and trust in the Lord. 
 
 There ain't nothing that iz a sure kure for 
 laziness, but i hav known a second wife tew 
 hurry it sum. 
 
 Josh Billings Allmin&x,
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 Michael Maloney's 
 Serenade 
 
 Oh, Nora McCune! 
 Is it draimin' ye are? 
 
 Is it wakin' or shleepin' ye be? 
 'Tis the dark of the moon 
 An' there's niver a star 
 
 To watch if ye're peepin* at me. 
 Throw opin yer blind, shweet love, if ye're 
 
 there; 
 
 An' if ye are not, plaze be shpakin'; 
 An' if ye're inclined, ye might bring yer guitah, 
 An' help me, me darlint to wakin'. 
 
 I am lonely! Ahone! 
 An' I'm Michael Maloney, 
 
 Awakin' shweet Nora McCune. 
 For, love, I'm alone, 
 An' here's Larrie Mahoney, 
 
 An' Dinnis O'Rouk an' Muldoon. 
 I've brought them to jine in the song I'll be 
 
 singin'; 
 For, Nora, shweet Nora McCune, 
 
 15
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 Ye've shtarted me heart-strings so loudly to 
 
 ringin', 
 One person can't carry the chune! 
 
 But don't be unaisy, 
 Me darlint, for fear 
 
 Our saicrit of love should be tould. 
 Mahoney is crazy, 
 An' Dinnis can't hear; 
 
 Muldoon is struck dum wid a could. 
 Their backs are all facin' the window, me dear ; 
 An* they've shworn by the horn of the moon 
 That niver a note of me song will they hear 
 That refers to shweet Nora McCune. 
 
 A GOOD AFTER-DINNER SPEECH 
 
 It was his first banquet, and they were mak- 
 ing speeches. Everybody was being called on 
 for a speech, and he was in mortal terror, for 
 he had never made a speech in his life. An old- 
 timer at his side cruelly suggested that he "get 
 under the table or say a prayer." His name 
 was called and he got up with fear and trem- 
 bling, and said : 
 
 "My friends, I never made a speech in all my 
 16
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 life, and I'm just scared nearly to death. A 
 friend here beside me has suggested two 
 things for me to do to get under the table, or 
 to pray. Well, I couldn't get under the table 
 without observation, and now that I am on my 
 feet, I can't think of any other prayer to say 
 except one that I used to hear my sister Mary 
 say in the morning when mother called us 
 "O Lord, how I do hate to get up!" 
 
 WHAT THE STATUTE DID NOT SAY 
 
 When Benjamin F. Butler lived in Lowell, 
 Massachusetts, he had a little black-and-tan 
 dog. One morning, as he was coming down 
 the street, followed by the dog, a policeman 
 stopped him and told him that, in accordance 
 with an ordinance just passed, he must muzzle 
 the dog. 
 
 "Very well," said Butler. 
 
 Next morning he came along with the dog, 
 and the policeman again told him of the muz- 
 zling ordinance and requested him to muzzle 
 the dog. 
 
 "All right," snorted Butler. "It is a fool
 
 'he Funng Bone 
 
 ordinance, but I'll muzzle him. Let me 
 pass." 
 
 Next morning the policeman was on the 
 lookout. "I beg your pardon, General," he 
 said, "but I must arrest you. Your dog is not 
 muzzled." 
 
 "Not muzzled?" shouted Butler. "Not muz- 
 zled? Well, look at him." 
 
 The policeman looked more carefully at the 
 dog and found a tiny, toy muzzle tied to its 
 tail. 
 
 "General," he expostulated, "this dog is not 
 properly muzzled. 
 
 "Yes, he is, sir," asserted Butler. "Yes, he 
 is. I have examined that idiotic statute and I 
 find it says that every dog must wear a muzzle. 
 It doesn't say where the dog shall wear the 
 muzzle, and I choose to decorate the tail of 
 my dog instead of the head with this infernal 
 contraption." 
 
 A LINCOLN STORY 
 
 "One day," said General Howard, "Mr. Lin- 
 coln saw Senator Fessenden coming toward 
 his office room. Mr. Fessenden had received 
 18
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 the promise of some appointment in Maine for 
 one of his constituents. The case had been 
 overlooked. As soon as Mr. Lincoln caught 
 sight of the Senator he saw he was angry, and 
 called out: 'Say, Fessenden, aren't you an 
 Episcopalian?' Mr. Fessenden, somewhat 
 taken aback, answered, 'Yes, I belong to that 
 persuasion, Mr. President.' Mr. Lincoln then 
 said, 'I thought so. You swear so much like 
 Seward. Seward is an Episcopalian. But, you 
 ought to hear Stanton swear. He can beat you 
 both. He is a Presbyterian.' " 
 
 ANOTHER LINCOLN STORY 
 
 Some one once called on President Lincoln 
 during the war to suggest some change of 
 
 command for General B ,who did not seem 
 
 to do well as a commander anywhere. "Well," 
 
 said Mr. Lincoln, "that's so. General B 
 
 doesn't fit in well anywhere. He reminds me 
 of an experience I once had with a piece of 
 iron I found while at work in the woods. I 
 thought it would make a good axe-head, and 
 took it to a blacksmith. 'Yes,' said he, 'it'll 
 
 19
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 make a good axe.' So he put it into the fire, 
 made it red-hot and pounded away on it on his 
 anvil. After hammering it a good while, he 
 stopped and said, 'No, it won't make an axe, 
 but I tell you, it'll make a mighty good clevis.' 
 So I told him to make a clevis out of it. Then 
 he heated it again, and again pounded away 
 at it a great while, and then stopped and looked 
 at it and said, 'No, it won't make a clevis 
 neither. But, said he, holding it red-hot in his 
 pincers over his tub of water, 'I'll tell you what 
 it will make. It will make a blame' good fizzle.' 
 And here he dropped it into the tub and it 
 fizzled." 
 
 SHE DRIED UP 
 
 The occupants of a Pullman sleeper were 
 diligently trying to get some rest, but could 
 not. There was a very thirsty woman in one 
 of the berths who kept the whole car awake by 
 her perpetual song of "Oh, I am so dry. I 
 am so dry. My, but I am dry. Dear me, what 
 shall I do? I am so dry." 
 
 "Hello, Porter!" at last sang out a gentle- 
 man across the way, "For Heaven's sake give 
 20
 
 The Funnu Bone 
 
 that woman some ice water, and plenty of it. 
 I want to get some sleep." 
 
 The Porter brought a glass of water. He 
 brought a second glass. She drank them both 
 and took up her song afresh 
 
 "My, but I was dry. I was so dry. I never 
 was so dry in all my life. Dear me, but I was 
 dry." 
 
 "Oh, Great Scott, woman," sang out the man 
 across the way, "dry up, and let me sleep !" 
 
 A TIMELY ANSWER 
 
 In the good old days of the rod of birch a 
 Philadelphia school teacher was very partial to 
 one of his boys, and very severe to another. 
 One day they were both tardy. Rod in hand 
 he called them both up on the floor. "James, 
 my boy," said he to the favorite regretfully, but 
 kindly, "why were you late to-day?" "You 
 see, sir," replied James, "I was asleep, sir, and 
 I dreamed I was going to California, and I was 
 down on the wharf, and I thought the school- 
 bell was the bell of the steamboat." "That 
 will do, my boy," said the teacher, glad of an 
 excuse to shield his favorite, "always tell the 
 
 21
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 truth, my boy. And now, sir," said he to the 
 other sternly, "and where were you?" "You, 
 see, sir," said the other candidly, "I was down 
 on the wharf waitin' to see Jim off !" 
 
 THAT TERRIBLE INFANT 
 
 Annie had a beau. She also had a small 
 brother of the proverbially troublesome age of 
 five. One day at the dinner table they were 
 teasing Annie about Mr. Love joy that was 
 the beau's name and Annie declared that she 
 didn't like him one bit, and said moreover that 
 Mr. Lovejoy "had a soft spot in his head." 
 That called off the dogs, for a time at least, but 
 her brother Bobbie took note. 
 
 The next evening Mr. Lovejoy called to see 
 Annie. They were both in the parlor. He was 
 sitting on the sofa, and she occupied a chair on 
 the other side of the room. Bobbie strolled 
 into the room, climbed up on the sofa and be- 
 gan a very diligent examination of Mr. Love- 
 joy's head. He felt all over it, and looked puz- 
 zled. Mr. Lovejoy was puzzled likewise, and 
 at length said, "Why, Bobbie, what are you ex- 
 22
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 amining my head for? Are you studying 
 phrenology?" "No," said the boy, "Sister An- 
 nie says you have a soft spot on your head 
 somewhere, and I was just trying to find it!" 
 They made it up somehow, and Mr. Lovejoy 
 began to call again, evidently with better re- 
 sults. For, one rainy day the father of the 
 household was looking everywhere in the hall 
 for his umbrella. "Where's my umbrella, An- 
 nie?" asked he. "I believe somebody has car- 
 ried it off." And Bobbie said, "Annie's beau 
 stole it." And Annie said, "Bobbie ! how dare 
 you say such a thing of Mr. Lovejoy?" And 
 Bobbie said, "I know he did, because when he 
 was giving you good-night at the hat-rack last 
 night, I heard him say as plain as could be, 
 "I'm going to steal just one!" 
 
 ALMOST WON THE BET 
 
 Two Irish hod-carriers were arguing about 
 their ability to carry their hods safely to the 
 top of a high building. One said he could carry 
 a tumbler of water on top of his load without 
 spilling a drop. And Pat said, "Ach ! a tumbler 
 23
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 of water ! Why, Mike, I could carry you in my 
 hod to the top of this ten-story buildin' with- 
 out spillin' you." And Mike said, "I bet you 
 tin dollars you can't." "Done !" said Pat. "Get 
 into my hod." 
 
 Mike got in, and up Pat went quickly and 
 safely until he came to the sixth floor, when 
 all of a sudden his foot slipped off the rung of 
 the ladder and his hod pitched, threatening to 
 deposit its cargo on the sidewalk seventy-five 
 feet below. But with a mighty effort he 
 steadied himself, grasped his hod tight and 
 proceeded to the top safely, where he deposited 
 Mike on the floor of the scaffolding with, 
 "There, Mike, I've won the bet. Out wid yer 
 tin dollars." "Sure, ye did, Pat," said Mike, 
 "the tin is yours, but whin ye got to the sixth 
 flure, an' stoombled be gob, I thought I had 
 ye!" 
 
 THE USE OF RICHES 
 
 In a sleeping car one morning not long ago a 
 
 Vermont man was accosted by his neighbor 
 
 opposite, who was putting on his shoes, with 
 
 the inquiry: "My friend, allow me to in- 
 
 24
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 quire, are you a rich man?" The Vermonter 
 looked astonished, but answered the pleasant- 
 faced, tired-looking gentleman with a "Yes, I 
 am tolerably rich." A pause occurred, and 
 then came another question, "How rich are 
 you?" He answered, "Oh about seven or 
 eight hundred thousand. Why?" "Well," said 
 the weary-looking old man, "if I were as rich 
 as you say you are, and went traveling, and 
 snored as loud as I know you do, I'd hire a 
 whole sleeper all for myself every time I went 
 traveling." 
 
 A PRAYER THAT WAS ANSWERED 
 
 An old darkey who was asked if in his experi- 
 ence prayer was ever answered, replied: 
 "Well, sah, some pra'rs is ansud an' some isn't 
 'pends on what yo' asks fo'? Jest arter de 
 wah, w'en it was mighty hard scratchin' fo' de 
 cullud brudren, I 'bsarved dat w'enebber I 
 pway de Lo'd to sen' one o' Massa Peyton's 
 fat turkeys fo' de ole man, dere was no notice 
 took o' de partition; but w'en I pway dat he 
 would sen' de ole man fo' de turkey, de ting 
 
 25
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 was 'tended to befo' sunup nex' mornin' dead 
 sartain." 
 
 GOD BLESS OUR HOME 
 
 A lonely traveler on horseback, riding 
 through a dreary section of the far West, 
 eagerly scanned the horizon for some signs of 
 a human habitation. At last away in the dis- 
 tance he spied a cabin, put his horse to a trot, 
 only to find the house deserted. Nailed on the 
 front door was a sheet of paper on which he 
 read the following pathetic story : 
 
 Five miles from water. 
 
 Ten miles from timber. 
 
 A hundred miles from a neighbor. 
 
 A hundred and fifty miles from a post office. 
 
 Two hundred and fifty from a railroad. 
 
 God bless our home! 
 
 We have gone East to spend the winter with 
 my wife's folks. 
 
 AN INQUISITIVE BOY 
 
 Bobbie was taken to church for the first 
 time, and his dear Aunt Lou, who took him 
 there, "just wondered how he would behave." 
 26
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 She soon discovered, for Bobbie was no sooner 
 seated in the pew than he observed a very 
 bald-headed man two seats to the front, and 
 exclaimed in a loud whisper which set every- 
 body smiling, "Oh, Aunt Lou! there's a man 
 with a skinned head!" Aunt Lou's face was 
 crimson, and she shook him, but it did little 
 good, for when the minister took his place in 
 the chancel, the boy remarked, "Another man 
 with a skinned head!" Things were getting 
 uncomfortable, and reached their climax when 
 the boy, seeing the choir up in the gallery, 
 called out, "Oh, Aunt Lou ! what are all those 
 people doing up there on the mantel-piece?" 
 
 PEPPER-SAUCE 
 
 Once upon a time there was a minister, a 
 very orthodox man, and he was very fond of 
 pepper-sauce, and he liked it piping hot, the 
 very strongest kind on the market. Distrust- 
 ing that furnished by the hotels, he always 
 carried with him on his travels a bottle of his 
 favorite brand. One day as he was seated at 
 the dinner table of a hotel, a man on the other 
 27
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 side of the table asked him to "please pass the 
 pepper-sauce." "Certainly," said he, "with 
 pleasure. This bottle is my own private prop- 
 erty, I always carry it with me. I think you 
 will find it very good." The man helped him- 
 self freely, and when he had got done coughing 
 and had recovered enough breath to enable 
 him to speak, he said : "Pardon me, sir. I believe 
 you are a preacher?" "Yes, that is my calling 
 in life." "An orthodox preacher, I presume?" 
 "Yes, sir." "And you really believe in hell- 
 fire?" "Yes I feel it my duty to warn the in- 
 penitent of their danger." "And you do preach 
 and believe in a literal hell-fire?" "I cannot 
 do otherwise with the Scriptures before me." 
 "Well" said the man, "I have met a good 
 many preachers in my time who believe and 
 preach just as you do, sir, but I must say I 
 never before met a man who carries his sam- 
 ples with him." 
 
 ONE PLACE OR THE OTHER 
 
 "When I get to heaven," said Brown, as he 
 laid down the book he had been reading 
 28
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 "when I get to heaven, the very first person 
 I want to see will be Shakespeare." 
 
 "And what do you want to see Shakespeare 
 for?" inquired his wife. 
 
 "Why, I just want to ask him whether he 
 wrote his own plays, or whether he got some 
 one else to write them for him, and have this 
 question settled." 
 
 "Well, but" objected his wife, "how do you 
 know he'll be there ? Not all people will get to 
 heaven." 
 
 "That's so, that's so," said Brown medita- 
 tively. "Well, I'll tell you what we'll do if 
 he isn't there, then suppose you ask him?" 
 
 "LOUDER!" 
 
 At a criminal trial both judge and counsel 
 had a deal of trouble to make the timid wit- 
 nesses speak loud enough to be heard by the 
 jury, and it is possible that the temper of the 
 counsel may thereby have been turned from 
 the even tenor of its way. After this gentle- 
 man had gone through the various stages of 
 bar pleading, and had coaxed, threatened and 
 29
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 even bullied the witnesses, there was called 
 into the box a young hostler who appeared to 
 be simplicity itself. 
 
 "Now, sir," said the counsel, in a tone that 
 would at any other time have been denounced 
 as vulgarly loud, "I hope we shall have no dif- 
 ficulty in making you speak out." 
 
 "I hope not, sir," was shouted, or rather bel- 
 lowed out, by the witness in tones which al- 
 most shook the building, and would certainly 
 have alarmed any timid or nervous person. 
 
 "How dare you speak in that way, sir?" de- 
 manded the counsel. 
 
 "Please, sir, I can't speak no louder," roared 
 the perplexed witness, evidently thinking that 
 fault was found with him for speaking too 
 softly. 
 
 "Pray, have you been drinking this 
 morning?" shouted the counsel, who had 
 now thoroughly lost the last remnant of his 
 temper. 
 
 "Yes, sir," was the stentorian reply. 
 "And what have you been drinking?" 
 "Corfee, sir." 
 
 "And what did you have in your coffee?" 
 30
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 "A spune, sir," bawled the witness in his 
 highest key amidst the roars of the court. 
 
 A COLLEGE TRICK 
 
 It occurred in an Ohio college, in the early 
 days when the small college was struggling 
 for an existence, and the students were strug- 
 gling for an education. Many of the boys were 
 very poor, and had to board themselves, doing 
 all their cooking, sleeping and studying in the 
 same room. To economize space they were 
 used to keep their little store of groceries and 
 provisions under the bed, and the bed was of 
 the old bed-cord kind. The two particular 
 boys of whom we write, for some reason or 
 other, at this particular time, had a pan full of 
 molasses under the bed. 
 
 Boys will be boys, poor as well as rich, and 
 college boys the world over are full of all man- 
 ner of tricks. These two chaps had concocted 
 a very neat little scheme for getting on to the 
 nerves of Professor John, who had charge of 
 the building in which they were domiciled. 
 For days and days they had been secretly car- 
 rying a lot of stones up into their room and
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 depositing them in an empty barrel. When 
 the barrel was full, the trick was ready to be 
 pulled off just at bedtime, the trick consisting 
 of simply rolling the barrel to the top of the 
 corkscrew staircase, and letting her go Galla- 
 gher, when the perpetrators would skip to 
 their room hard by, dive into bed and be sound 
 asleep before Professor John could say Jack 
 Robinson. 
 
 But Professor John knew about all the pos- 
 sible combinations of the college boy, and 
 could smell a hatching trick a mile away. 
 Knowing that something was in the air, he had 
 quietly stationed himself in a dark niche in the 
 wall at the head of the staircase, and was 
 watching the two night-begowned boys as they 
 tugged with all their strength at the heavy 
 barrel of stones, gently rolling it to the top of 
 the stairs. "Don't make a noise," hoarsely 
 whispered the one who was bossing the job," 
 and don't let her go till all is ready and I give 
 the word." 
 
 When all was about ready to heave away, 
 out stepped Professor John with a terrible 
 "What's all this!" 
 
 32
 
 The Funnu Bone 
 
 Away went the boys pell-mell to their room. 
 They tried to slam the door shut, but the Pro- 
 fessor's foot got there first, and they dived into 
 bed. 
 
 But alas! there had been a trick within a 
 trick. Some one had cut the bed-cords ! And 
 as the two went down to the floor, one pitifully 
 called out "Oh we're in the molasses!" 
 
 Professor John knew what that meant. He 
 leaned up against the wall and laughed till he 
 cried. "Let them go, poor fellows," he said, 
 as he went to his room, "they have been pun- 
 ished enough.'"' 
 
 ANY PORT IN A STORM 
 
 In a lecture on Carlyle, Moncure D. Conway 
 related how the great writer was interviewed 
 one morning by a very rough man in his 
 neighborhood. A great revival being in prog- 
 ress in the vicinity, this man, well known as a 
 very rough and profane fellow, had been at- 
 tending the meetings and was "under convic- 
 tion," as the phrase went. Thinking that per- 
 haps Mr. Carlyle might be able to give him 
 
 33
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 some good and godly advice, he made a morn- 
 ing call on the celebrated writer, who unfortu- 
 nately was just then enduring a most grievous 
 attack of dyspepsia. 
 
 "Good morning, Mr. Carlyle," said the man. 
 
 "Morning," growled Carlyle. 
 
 "Mr. Carlyle," said he, "I have come to see 
 you this morning about my soul " 
 
 "And what has gone wrong with your soul, 
 then?" interrupted the man of letters. 
 
 "Why, Mr. Carlyle, I've been such an awful 
 bad man that I'm afraid, if I were to die, I'd go 
 straight to hell." 
 
 "Very likely," was the prompt answer. 
 "Very likely indeed. And, what is more you 
 may be very thankful you have a hell to go to, 
 too." 
 
 A VERY GOOD INVESTMENT 
 
 "Now, James," said a business man to his 
 ten-year-old boy, "you are going to be a busi- 
 ness man, and it is time that we should begin 
 to give you some practical lessons in the art 
 and science of investing money. Here's a half 
 
 34
 
 The Funnu Bone 
 
 dollar. You take it and go down town and 
 invest it on your own hook and to the best 
 advantage. I don't care where you put it in, 
 only so you put it where it will be safe and 
 where you will get a good interest for your 
 money." 
 
 The boy took the silver and started off. In 
 an hour he returned, reporting that he had 
 made a good investment, and was going to 
 get a hundred per cent, interest. 
 
 "Splendid!" said the admiring father. 
 "Where did you put it in?" 
 
 "Well," said the boy, "I went down town 
 and walked around a while, wondering where 
 I should find a good place, and by and by I 
 came by a church, and there was a meeting, and 
 they were singing, and I went in. It was a 
 missionary meeting, and the man was begging 
 money for Missions, and he said if you gave 
 him your money why the Lord would send it 
 back to you doubled He would pay you a 
 hundred per cent." 
 
 "I hope," expostulated his father, "you didn't 
 put that half dollar on the collection plate?" 
 
 "Yes, I did, father," said the boy, "and the 
 
 35
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 man he said that the Lord is a good paymaster 
 and that He'd send it back doubled." 
 
 "And you believed him! O pshaw, I'm ut- 
 terly disappointed in you, James. You'll never 
 make a business man. The idea of your be- 
 lieving such stuff like that. Why, that half 
 dollar you'll never see it again, and that man 
 why, he's nothing but a fakir. O well 
 pshaw! I'll give you another chance, and see 
 that you do better this time. Here's a dollar. 
 Now you steer clear of all churches and mis- 
 sionary meetings this time " 
 
 "Why, father !" exclaimed the boy as he took 
 the dollar, "why, that man was right after all. 
 The Lord did send my half dollar back, and 
 sooner than I looked for it and doubled, too!" 
 
 THE POOR 
 
 Josh Billings concluded his celebrated lec- 
 ture on "Milk" with these memorable words 
 "Remember the poor. It costs nothing." 
 
 A town meeting had been called to devise 
 ways and means to provide for the poor of the 
 community. After many speeches had been 
 
 36
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 made, and many recommendations offered, and 
 much time wasted and nothing done, a benevo- 
 lent German arose in the back part of the hall 
 and said: 
 
 "Mister Chairman, I move, before we ad- 
 journ, we all shtand oop undt gif three cheers 
 for de poor!" 
 
 TEMPERANCE A HUNDRED YEARS 
 AGO 
 
 The first Temperance Society organized in 
 this country, in the year 1808, provided that 
 "No member shall be intoxicated under a pen- 
 alty of fifty cents, and no member shall ask 
 another person to take a drink under a penalty 
 of twenty-five cents." 
 
 There was a Temperance Society in the 
 State of Maine, prior to the year 1825, which 
 had the following remarkable plank in its plat- 
 form: "If any member of this Society shall 
 get drunk, he shall be obliged to stand treat 
 for the whole Society all round !" 
 
 A hundred years ago the virtues of rum were 
 set forth in an English publication after the 
 following fashion: 
 
 37
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 "It sloweth age, it strengtheneth youth, it 
 helpeth digestion, it cutteth phlegme, it aban- 
 doneth melancholy, it relisheth the heart, it 
 lighteneth the mind, it quickeneth the spirits, 
 it cureth the hydupsia, it healeth the stran- 
 gurie, it pounceth the stone, it expelleth the 
 gravel, it puffeth away ventosity; it keepeth 
 and preserveth the head from whirling, the 
 tongue from lisping, the mouth from snaffling, 
 the teeth from chattering and the throat from 
 rattling. It keepeth the weasen from stiffling, 
 the stomach from wambling and the heart 
 from swelling. It keepeth the hands from 
 shivering, the sinews from shrinking, the veins 
 from crumbling, the bones from aching, and 
 the marrow from soaking." 
 
 "THE YANKEES" 
 
 When Sherman's army was making its great 
 march through Georgia the colored people 
 were, of course, very much excited over the 
 news of the approach of the Northern army. 
 They had very little idea of what Northern sol- 
 diers looked like, but had commonly heard 
 them spoken of as "the dam Yankees." In a 
 
 38
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 certain part of Georgia, when they heard of the 
 approach of the great army, the darkies held 
 a prayer-meeting, and one old fellow prayed 
 "O Lawd, bress Massa Linkum, an' bress 
 Gin'l Sherman. O Lawd, he's one o' us. He 
 got a white skin, but he got a black heart, he 
 one o' us. An', O Lawd, bress all dem dam 
 Yankees!" 
 
 THE SNOLLIGOSTER 
 
 A circus came to town down in Kentucky. 
 The tents were set up and the cages put in, and 
 the people gathered about to look. "There, 
 ladies and gentlemen," shouted the barker, "is 
 the Royal Lion, the king of beasts. He can 
 whip any other animal in the world." 
 
 "He kin, kin he?" queried a gawky Ken- 
 tuckian. "I'll bet you five dollars I have an 
 animal at home that'll lick him the very first 
 round." 
 
 "Can't take your bet," said the barker. "Too 
 little money. Couldn't think of letting him 
 fight for five dollars, but I'll take a bet of 
 twenty-five dollars." 
 
 39
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 "I ain't got that much," said Kentuck, "but 
 I'll borrow it of my friends, an' we'll have a 
 fight." 
 
 The bystanders made up the money, and 
 the stakes were duly put up. Kentuck went to 
 his home, and by and by returned with a bag 
 over his shoulder. 
 
 "What you got in that bag?" asked the 
 showman. 
 
 "A snolligoster," answered Kentuck. 
 
 "A snolligoster? What's that? Let's see it." 
 
 "No, you don't," answered Kentuck. "You 
 open the top of your cage and I'll put my ani- 
 mile in, the money's put up, you know." 
 
 So the cage was opened and Kentuck 
 climbed up to the hole in the top and, opening 
 his bag, shook out of it a big snapping turtle. 
 The turtle stood on the defensive. The lion 
 came up to smell him. He took only one smell, 
 gave a yell of pain and retired to his corner to 
 howl the snapper loose if he could. 
 
 "Take him off," yelled the showman. 
 
 "Take him off yerself, if ye want to," said 
 Kentuck. "The fightin's just commenced. 
 First blood for my snolligoster." 
 
 40
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 SHARPENING THEIR WITS 
 
 Two human Whetstones met on the street. 
 
 "Queer, isn't it?" 
 
 "What's queer?" 
 
 "The night falls " 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " but it doesn't break." 
 
 "No." 
 
 "And the day breaks " 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "But it doesn't fall?" 
 
 "No but it's getting very warm." 
 
 "Yes, it is." 
 
 "There would be a big thaw but for one 
 thing " 
 
 "And what's that?" 
 
 "There's nothing froze." 
 
 And they parted. 
 
 AN ILL-ASSORTED COUPLE 
 
 A missionary in the Far West, residing near 
 an Indian reservation, relates how one day 
 there came to his house an Indian and a squaw 
 wishing to "get married white man's way."
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 Everything being in order they were duly 
 made man and wife according to the service of 
 the Church. "I was a little apprehensive," said 
 the minister, laughing, "that it might not turn 
 out well with them. They had such queer 
 names. His name was 'Little Red Horse,' and 
 hers was 'Jane-kick-a-hole-in-the-sky." 
 
 THE STRONGEST MAN 
 
 "Who was the strongest man?" asked the 
 Sunday-school teacher. One boy said "Sam- 
 son, cause he choked a lion to death." "Naw," 
 said another boy, "g'wan, it wasn't Samson. 
 It was Jonah, 'cause a whale couldn't keep him 
 down." 
 
 WHY THEY MARRIED 
 
 Postal cards having been sent out to all the 
 married men in a certain town in Western 
 New York carrying the question, "Why did 
 you marry?" the following are some of the an- 
 swers returned: 
 
 "That's what I've been trying for eleven 
 years to find out." 
 
 42
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 "Married to get even with her mother but 
 never have." 
 
 "Was freckle-faced and thought it was my 
 last chance. I've found out, however, that 
 freckles ain't near as bad as henspeck." 
 
 "Because I was too lazy to work." 
 
 "Because Sarah told me that five other 
 young fellows had proposed to her. Lucky 
 dogs!" 
 
 "The old man thought eight years courtin' 
 was long enough." 
 
 "I was lonesome and melancholy, and 
 wanted some one to make me lively. N. B. 
 She makes me lively, you bet!" 
 
 "I was tired of buying ice cream and candies 
 and going to theatres and church, and wanted 
 a rest. Have saved money." 
 
 "Please don't stir me up !" 
 
 "Because I thought she was one among a 
 thousand; now I sometimes think she is a 
 thousand among one." 
 
 "Because I did not then have the experience 
 I now have." 
 
 "The Governor was going to give me his 
 foot, so I took his daughter's hand." 
 
 43
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 "I thought it would be cheaper than a 
 breach-of-promise suit." 
 
 "That's the same fool question all my friends 
 and neighbors ask." 
 
 "Because I had more money than I knew 
 what to do with. And now I have more to do 
 with than I have money." 
 
 "I wanted a companion of the opposite sex. 
 P. S. She is still opposite." 
 
 "Don't mention it!" 
 
 "Had difficulty in unlocking the door at 
 night, and wanted somebody in the house to 
 let me in." 
 
 "Because it is just my luck." 
 
 "I didn't intend to go and do it." 
 
 "I yearned for company. We now have 
 company all the time her folks." 
 
 "I married to get the best wife in the world." 
 
 "Because I asked her if she'd have me. She 
 said she would. I think she's got me !" 
 
 THE STUTTERERS 
 
 It is related of the late William Travers of 
 New York City, who was used at times to 
 
 44
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 make merry of his own incurable and distress- 
 ing infirmity, that he was on one occasion 
 asked by a woman in a street car, "Would he 
 be so good as to tell her whether it was nine 
 o'clock yet?" Pulling his timepiece out of his 
 pocket and looking at it a moment, he began, 
 "N n no, M m madam, it isn't n n 
 nine oc oc o'clock yet, b b but it will be 
 by by by the time I can g g get it out." 
 
 On another occasion he was asked some 
 question by an entire stranger on the street, 
 who stammered quite as painfully as he him- 
 self did, and when he stuttered out a laborious 
 answer, the man thinking Travers was mock- 
 ing him, grew angry and exclaimed: 
 
 "How d dare y y you m make sport of 
 m m m my inf infirmity?" 
 
 And Travers replied, "I wasn't m m mak- 
 ing f f fun of your in inf infirmity. I 
 stut tut tut tutter myself. W w why 
 don't you go to Doctor B B Brown? He 
 cu cue cured me !" 
 
 Two men once went squirrel shooting. One 
 of them was a notorious stammerer. He had 
 
 45
 
 'he Funny Bone 
 
 no load in his gun when he saw a squirrel run- 
 ning up a tree, and wishing to call the atten- 
 tion of his companion to it he began : 
 
 "J J James! I see a a a a sq sq 
 sq Oh, by George he's gone into his hole!" 
 
 ALEXANDER 
 
 There was a chap who kept a store, 
 And though there might be grander, 
 
 He sold his goods nor asked for more, 
 And his name was Alexander. 
 
 He mixed his goods with cunning hand, 
 
 He was a skillful brander; 
 And since his sugar half was sand, 
 
 They called him Alex-Sander. 
 
 He had his dear one, to her came, 
 Then lovingly he scanned her; 
 
 He asked her would she change her name? 
 Then a ring did Alex-hand-her. 
 
 "Oh, yes," she said, with smiling lip, 
 
 "If I can be commander!" 
 And so they framed a partnership 
 
 And called it Alex-and-her. 
 46
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 A FOOL ACCORDING TO HIS FOLLY 
 
 Once in traveling the Rev. Dr. Bledsoe was 
 exceedingly annoyed by a pedantic bore who 
 forced himself upon him, and made a great 
 parade of his shallow learning. The doctor en- 
 dured it as long as he could, but at length, 
 looking at the man, said : "My friend, you and 
 I know all that is to be known." "Why, how is 
 that?" asked the man, much pleased with what 
 he thought a very complimentary association. 
 "Why," blandly replied the doctor, "you know 
 everything in this world, except that you are 
 a fool and I know that." 
 
 HE COULDN'T CATCH UP 
 
 When the pious deacon, riding a very poor 
 horse, pulled up at the cross-roads and asked 
 a farmer's boy to tell him which road to take, 
 the boy asked him who he was and where it 
 was he was going? 
 
 "My boy," replied the deacon with a pious 
 gaze heavenward, "I am a follower of the 
 Lord." 
 
 "A follower of the Lord !" exclaimed the lad. 
 
 47
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 "I reckon, mister, you'd better buy another nag, 
 for you'll never catch up to him on that old 
 horse of yourn!" 
 
 A SUDDEN RISE 
 
 Stooping down to wash his hands in a creek, 
 the darkey couldn't, of course, observe the pe- 
 culiar motions of a goat right behind him. 
 When he scrambled out of the water and was 
 asked how it happened, he answered : "I dunno 
 zacktly. 'Feared as if de shore kinder histed 
 an' frowed me." 
 
 "OLD HOSS" 
 
 During the trying days of drafting in Civil 
 War times, a farmer from away out West 
 called on President Lincoln. As soon as he got 
 near enough to the President he slapped him 
 familiarly on the back and said, "Hello, old 
 hoss, how are ye?" 
 
 "You call me an old hoss," said Mr. Lincoln ; 
 "may I inquire what kind of a hoss I am?" 
 
 "Why an old Draft hoss, to be sure. Ha, 
 ha!" 
 
 48
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 DISTURBING THE SOLEMNITY 
 
 Somehow or other there were many more 
 queer things happening in church in the olden 
 time than occur in these sober and decorous 
 days. In old St. Paul's, Newburyport, for ex- 
 ample, some very amusing things are recorded 
 to have happened during the hours of service. 
 "Uncle Nat Bailey was the sexton, and it was 
 his duty to attend to the new stove which had 
 just been put in. But one Sunday morning 
 Uncle Nat was engaged in ringing the bell, and 
 the last comers were hurrying in, and the clerk, 
 Harvey, perceived that the stove needed atten- 
 tion. Taking the sexton's duty, he poked the 
 fire, chucked in more wood, shut the door and 
 returned to his place at his desk. Unfortu- 
 nately he had got his hand all black with soot, 
 and unwittingly he had smeared the soot all 
 over his face. The congregation broadly 
 smiled a few minutes later when he solemnly 
 rose at his desk and gave out the first hymn, 
 "Behold the beauties of my face." 
 
 Lighting as well as heating gave trouble in 
 those days. Candles guttered, or went out, 
 and kept the attentive sextons busy tiptoeing 
 
 49
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 about, snuffing or relighting them. Sexton 
 Currier pronounced in country speech 
 "Kiah" of Parson Milton's church in the same 
 old town, once neglected this duty during an 
 evening service. 
 
 Parson Milton, from his tremendous, boom- 
 ing voice nicknamed "Thundering Milton," was 
 an excellent pastor, but very singular and ab- 
 rupt in his ways. Observing the condition of 
 the lights, he quite upset the congregation by 
 proclaiming at the top of his voice, without the 
 slightest break between the sentences : 
 
 "The Lord said unto Moses, Kiah, snuff the 
 candles." 
 
 He it was, too, who, when a worthy parish- 
 ioner whose Christian name was Mark once 
 dropped off into a doze in his pew, recalled him 
 to his duty in a marvelous fashion. Leaning 
 forward in the middle of the sermon, and ap- 
 parently addressing himself directly to the of- 
 fender, he exclaimed in quick, sharp tones, 
 "Mark!" 
 
 At the sound of his name, the man opened 
 his eyes and sat hastily erect, while the 
 preacher, resuming his normal voice, con- 
 
 50
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 eluded the sentence "the perfect man, and be- 
 hold the upright." 
 
 On a very cold day, when the church was 
 inadequately warmed, another minister 
 preached from a very hot text. At the conclu- 
 sion of the service he leaned over the pulpit 
 and said, in a tone audible to all the congrega- 
 tion: 
 
 "Deacon Craig, do, I pray you, see to it that 
 this church is properly warmed this afternoon. 
 What's the use of my preaching to a parcel of 
 sinners about the danger of hell-fire when the 
 church is as cold as a barn?" 
 
 TECHNIQUE 
 
 They were both musical, and of course be- 
 came engaged. One evening the young man 
 was late in paying his visit. The young lady 
 was anxious and getting nervous. The whole 
 family sympathized with the poor girl as she 
 waited for the bell to ring. Suddenly the bell 
 rang, and the calm blue sky of peace reap- 
 peared in the young girl's eyes as she ex- 
 Si
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 claimed rapturously even if ungrammatically, 
 "That's him! How exquisite his technique is 
 on the bell-pull, and oh ! the breadth and com- 
 pass of his ring !" 
 
 Three street boys were brought by the city 
 missionary into a downtown Sunday-school, 
 
 and placed in Mr. B 's class. "What is 
 
 your first name?" he asked of one. "Lem," was 
 the reply. "Ah, Lemuel," corrected the teacher. 
 "And yours, my boy?" he asked of the next. 
 "Sam," yelled the urchin. "Ah, Samuel, re- 
 joined Mr. B . "And what may I call you?" 
 
 he kindly asked of the third. "My name is 
 Jimuel," said he. 
 
 TACT AND NO TACT 
 
 That English clergyman had no tact who ve- 
 hemently declared his parishioners to be "a 
 set of unmitigated asses." One of the Long- 
 Eared standing by ventured to inquire whether 
 that was the reason his reverence addressed 
 them every Sunday morning as "Dearly be- 
 loved Brethren?" 
 
 52
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 But here was another English clergyman 
 who had tact. On one occasion he was travel- 
 ing in a stage-coach in company with a noisy 
 talker who persisted in thrusting upon his fel- 
 low-passengers the fact that he did not believe 
 in the Bible. In particular he was severe upon 
 the writer who had alleged that Joshua had 
 commanded the sun to stand still and look on 
 while he wiped out the heathen. The clergy- 
 man had been measuring up his companion, 
 and at this point he spoke out 
 
 "Did you ever read the further explanation of 
 that great miracle as given in the First Book 
 of Zorobbabel?" 
 
 "Yes, I have," snapped the learned infidel, 
 "and that doesn't throw any light on it either. 
 In fact, it makes it worse " 
 
 The general roar of laughter which followed 
 this confession of ignorance ended the contro- 
 versy, and bottled up the agnostic. 
 
 On another occasion this same clergyman 
 was annoyed by a bustling preacher who 
 walked up to him in public, and, in a voice that 
 arrested the attention of all within hearing, 
 challenged him to a controversy on Apostolic 
 
 53
 
 The Fxinng Bone 
 
 Succession. The challenged man turned 
 sharply and said: "Can you repeat the Lord's 
 Prayer, sir?" "But " stammered the man, "I 
 want to discuss " "Sir," said the other, "I re- 
 peat, say the Lord's Prayer, if you can." The 
 man was so taken aback by this unexpected 
 flank movement that, if he ever knew the Lord's 
 Prayer, every petition of it had vanished from 
 his memory, and he became red-faced and 
 silent. Then his dignified antagonist turned in 
 a stately way to the group of amused auditors, 
 and said, "Sir, I will leave it to this intelligent 
 assemblage to decide whether a man who is 
 unable to repeat the Lord's Prayer is compe- 
 tent to discuss Apostolic Succession." 
 
 THE ECHO 
 
 A tourist was told by a guide that the echo 
 on a Killarney lake was very fine. So, off 
 went the tourist to hear it, and hired two men 
 to row him out, accomplishing the transaction 
 so swiftly that there was no time for them to 
 arrange for the usual echo to be in attendance. 
 The echo wasn't working. What was to be 
 
 54
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 done? In despair of a better expedient, the 
 men that were rowing broke an oar, and one 
 swam ashore to fetch another and while he 
 was gone, the echo began to work! 
 
 "Good morning," cried the tourist. 
 
 "Good marning," said the echo, with a 
 charming brogue. 
 
 "Fine day, sir." 
 
 "Foine day, sir," improved the echo. 
 
 "Will you take a drink?" cried the tourist. 
 
 "Begorra, an' that I will!" roared the echo. 
 
 "LOGIC IS LOGIC" 
 
 Jack and his friend Mickey were walking up- 
 town one morning and Jack said, "Mickey, I 
 bet you a dollar I can prove to you that you 
 are on the other side of the street." 
 
 "Done," said Mickey, "I'm the man for your 
 money." 
 
 "Well," continued Jack, pointing to the op- 
 posite side of the street, "that is one side of the 
 street, isn't it?" 
 
 "Yes," said Mickey. 
 
 "And this side is the other side, isn't it? 
 
 55
 
 e Funng Bone 
 
 And you are on the other side. And I'll take 
 your dollar, please." 
 
 Mickey passed out the dollar, but scratched 
 his head. He resolved to win that dollar back, 
 and later in the day waylaid a man with, "I 
 say I bet you a dollar I can prove to you that 
 you are on the other side of the street." 
 "Done," said the man. "I'd as soon make a dol- 
 lar easy as not." 
 
 "Well," said Mickey, "this is one side of the 
 street, isn't it?" 
 
 "Yes, that can't be disputed." 
 
 "And over there is the other side, isn't it?" 
 
 "Yes but I ain't on that side and I'll take 
 your dollar, please." 
 
 And Mickey walked home scratching his 
 head and wondering how it came that "the 
 dang thing didn't work?" 
 
 LIONIZED 
 
 This is how the colonel and the lieutenant- 
 colonel of a French regiment in Algeria were 
 lionized. The major of the regiment one day 
 came across a lion suffering grievous pain from 
 
 56
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 a thorn in his paw. Pitying the poor animal, 
 the major extracted the thorn. Considering 
 what he could do in return for the kindness, 
 the grateful lion secured a copy of the army 
 register, ran his eye over the list of officers in 
 the gentle major's regiment, and waylaid and 
 devoured both the colonel and the lieutenant- 
 colonel, so that his friend, the major, could be 
 promoted. 
 
 LAUGHED IT OUT OF COURT 
 
 In the course of a sermon on "The Soul," a 
 certain minister once said: "They are saying 
 these days that the soul is nothing but elec- 
 tricity. Now, brethren, just to show you how 
 utterly ridiculous this modern conceit is, sup- 
 pose we substitute the word 'electricity* for 
 the words 'the soul* wherever they occur in 
 the Bible, and see how it will read. For in- 
 stance : 'What shall it profit a man if he gain 
 the whole world, and lose his electricity. Or 
 what shall a man give in exchange for his 
 electricity.' Ridiculous, perfectly ridiculous!" 
 
 57
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 HOW TO CATCH A MULE 
 
 There was a farmer who had a balky mule 
 and he couldn't make the mule go. A stranger 
 came along and offered to help, and the farmer 
 told him to go right ahead. The stranger had 
 a bottle of turpentine, and he opened the mule's 
 mouth and pushed back his head and poured 
 about half of the bottle into the mule's stom- 
 ach. The mule gave one startled gasp and 
 struck out across the prairie, and was lost to 
 sight. The surprised farmer stood for a while 
 immersed in deep thought, and then he said, 
 "Stranger, please give me the rest of that tur- 
 pentine; I've got to catch my mule." 
 
 HOW THE YOUNG IDEA SHOOTS 
 
 Many children are so crammed with every- 
 thing that they really know nothing. 
 
 In proof of this, read these veritable speci- 
 mens of definitions, written by public school 
 children : 
 
 "Stability is taking care of a stable." 
 
 "A mosquito is the child of black and white 
 parents." 
 
 58
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 "Tocsin is something to do with getting 
 drunk." 
 
 "Expostulation is to have the smallpox." 
 "Monastery is the place for monsters." 
 "Cannibal is two brothers who killed each 
 other in the Bible." 
 
 "Anatomy is the human body, which con- 
 sists of three parts, the head, the chist and the 
 stummick. The head contains the eyes and 
 brains, if any. The chist contains the lungs and 
 a piece of the liver. The stummick is devoted 
 to the bowels, of which there are five, a, e, i, o, 
 u, and sometimes w and y." 
 
 NAMES FOR THE TWINS 
 
 Some amusing "baptismal experiences" of a 
 "well-known clergyman" are printed in the 
 columns of an exchange. A boy born on Jan- 
 uary 3, 1863, was dubbed Emancipation Proc- 
 lamation Baxter. Another he christened 
 Perseverance Jones. When the minister en- 
 deavored to dissuade the father he replied that 
 the child's mother was named Patience, and he 
 saw no reason why the boy should not be 
 
 59
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 called Perseverance, because the two always 
 went together. But the richest of his reminis- 
 cences had to do with twins: 
 
 "What names will you call them?" I in- 
 quired. 
 
 "Cherubim and Seraphim," replied their 
 mother. 
 
 "Why?" I asked, in astonishment. 
 
 "Because," she replied, "de pra'er book says, 
 'De cherubim and seraphim continually do cry,' 
 an' dese yere chil'en do nuffin' else." 
 
 EXTREMES MEET 
 
 As the newspaper man put it: "A late in- 
 voice from Boston to Africa included three 
 missionaries and eighty-three casks of rum 
 salvation in the cabin, damnation in the hold, 
 and Old Glory floating over both." 
 
 This fine bit of ecclesiastical sarcasm is 
 further illustrated by a fact concerning a 
 church in the city of Edinburgh, which city is 
 noted for its Scottish brand of "religion and 
 whiskey," and of which wits have spoken as 
 being "the most spiritually minded city in the 
 60
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 Kingdom." Well there is said to be a church 
 there, so built as to include a spacious base- 
 ment adapted for storage purposes, which the 
 pious elders, with a business eye to revenue, 
 did not scruple to rent for the storage of casks 
 of wine and other spirits in considerable bulk. 
 Well along comes some clever wit with a 
 facile pen and writes on the door of the base- 
 ment of that Edinburgh church the following 
 lines. The authorship is unknown, but Ma- 
 cready is suspected: 
 
 "There's a spirit above 
 And a spirit below, 
 The spirit of love 
 
 And the spirit of woe. 
 
 "The spirit above 
 
 Is the spirit of love, 
 And the spirit below 
 Is the spirit of woe. 
 
 "The spirit above 
 
 Is a spirit divine, 
 And the spirit below 
 Is the spirit of wine." 
 6r
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 A FIRE SCREEN 
 
 A Southern politician, in rehearsing some of 
 the stories with which he made many Demo- 
 cratic votes during a campaign, related the 
 following as having probably been the most ef- 
 fective : 
 
 A darkey had a dream and thought he went 
 to the bad place. The next day he told his 
 friends what he had dreamed, and they asked 
 him a great many questions. 
 
 "Did you see ole Satan down dar?" one of 
 them asked. 
 
 "Oh, yes ; I seed ole Satan dar, an* Belzybub, 
 an* Pollyun an' de hull lot. Dey was jist 
 standin' roun' an' tendin' to de bisniss, pokin' 
 de fires an' makin' it hot fer de folks." 
 
 "Was dey was dey any niggahs down 
 dar?" 
 
 "Oh, yes, dey was lots an' lots o* niggahs, 
 heaps on 'em." 
 
 "An' white folks?" 
 
 "Oh, yes, lots o' white folks, too; scores an' 
 scores on 'em." 
 
 "Democrats?" 
 
 62
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 "Oh, yes, plenty Democrats." 
 
 "An' 'Publicans?" 
 
 "Oh, yes. De 'Publicans dey was in one pen 
 by deyselves, an' de Democrats dey was all in 
 a pen, too." 
 
 "Was de white an' de black 'Publicans in de 
 same pen?" 
 
 "Yes, dey was all togedder in de same pen." 
 
 "What was dey all a-doin'?" 
 
 "Well, I 'clar to goodness, w'en I looked in 
 dat ar pen an' seed 'em, it peered like ebbery 
 blame white 'Publikin had a niggah in his 
 arms a-holdin' him up 'twixt him an' de fire to 
 cotch de heft o' de heat." 
 
 "I estimate that this story," said the politi- 
 cian, "was good for at least twelve hundred 
 colored votes on our side in this campaign." 
 
 BRANDIED PEACHES 
 
 The guests were all gathered in the parlor 
 laughing and talking, when the host was sud- 
 denly summoned by his wife for a brief con- 
 sultation in the dining-room before dinner was 
 served. 
 
 63
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 "Tom," said she, in evident alarm, "what 
 shall I do? I have nothing for dessert but 
 brandied peaches, and there's Dr. Brown, the 
 Methodist minister, in the company. I never 
 thought about him you know he's such a 
 strict temperance person." 
 
 Tom said he was sorry, but it was evidently 
 too late to change the schedule, and that they 
 would just have to trust to luck. 
 
 They did and luck did not fail them. For 
 when it came to the dessert, the Rev. Mr. 
 Brown evidently enjoyed the peaches very 
 much, very much. Dear innocent soul! he 
 thought he had never tasted anything half so 
 good. And when the hostess sweetly asked 
 him, "Could she not have the pleasure of serv- 
 ing him with another peach?" he hesitatingly 
 replied, "No thank you thank you but I 
 believe I will take a little more of the juice!" 
 
 "MOUNTED?" 
 
 Another darkey relates a dream he had dur- 
 ing an exciting political campaign down in 
 Kentucky, only in this case his dream took an 
 
 64
 
 The FMnng Bone 
 
 opposite direction. "I dreamed," said he, "dat 
 I died an' went up to de big gate o' hebbin an' 
 wanted to git in, an' Sent Petah he says to me, 
 says he, 'Is you mounted?' an' I says, 'No.' 
 An' he says, 'Den you can't come in.' So I 
 kum away, an' on de way down I met Kunnel 
 White, de man wat's runnin' fo' Congress, an' 
 I told him 'twant no use: he couldn't git in if 
 he wasn't mounted. 'Better go back,' says I, 
 'an' mount de bay mare.' But he says, 'No, 
 I tell you, Sam, what we'll do. You'll be my 
 hoss. I'll git on your back, an' we'll ride 
 up to de gate an' when Petah says, "Is you 
 mounted?" I'll say, "Yaas," an' I'll ride you 
 right in.' 
 
 "So I got down on my han's an' feet an' he 
 got up on my back, an' we trotted up to de big 
 gate, and de kunnel he knocked on de doo', an' 
 Sent Petah he open de gate a crack an' says, 
 'Who's dar?' an' de kunnel says, 'Kunnel 
 White o' Kentucky, sah.' An' Petah says, 'Is 
 you mounted?' an' de kunnel says, 'Yaas, I is, 
 sah.' An' Sent Petah he says, 'Mighty glad to 
 see you, kunnel. Jist tie your hoss on de out- 
 side de gate an' come right in !' " 
 
 65
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 "DOLLARS TO DOUGHNUTS" 
 
 They say that the difference between an op- 
 timist and a pessimist is this: The optimist 
 looks on the doughnut, the pessimist looks on 
 the hole. Well, there once was a man up in a 
 certain town in Eastern Pennsylvania who did 
 a very good business at the baker-trade. 
 Everybody knew and patronized the good Ger- 
 man baker, Hans Kitzeldorfer. Hans was in- 
 dustrious, frugal and thrifty, and was making 
 money, until one unfortunate day he turned 
 pessimist and began to look on the hole in the 
 doughnut. The longer he looked at that hole 
 the more he became persuaded that he could 
 make money much more rapidly by making the 
 holes in his celebrated brand of doughnuts 
 larger than they had been. This happy sug- 
 gestion he at once proceeded to act on, and for 
 two years he was immensely tickled over his 
 discovery. But by and by it seemed to him 
 that his receipts were not as large as formerly, 
 especially in the Doughnut Department, and 
 he ordered an investigation, the result of which 
 Was that he discovered that by making the 
 66
 
 The Fvmng Bone 
 
 holes larger he had unwittingly used more 
 dough to go around the holes than when the 
 holes were less in diameter, whereupon he at 
 once restored his earlier and more profitable 
 system and Prosperity returned. 
 
 TWO POLITE AND SPUNKY BOYS 
 
 A German, meeting a friend on the street, 
 asked him to come up to his house some day, 
 he wanted to show him his two boys. "I haf," 
 said he, "two of de finest poys vot ever vas; 
 two very fine, polite undt spunky poys." 
 
 His friend went up to the house one day, and 
 the two friends were sitting on the porch talk- 
 ing and smoking their pipes, while the two 
 boys were playing in front of the house in the 
 street. 
 
 "Now I vill show you," said the proud 
 father, "vat two very fine poys I haf." And 
 with that he called, "Poys !" 
 
 One of the little fellows looked up and 
 promptly answered, "Sir?" 
 
 "See," said the father, "how polite. Two 
 very polite undt spunky poys." 
 67
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 By and by he called out again, 'Toys!'* and 
 the other little chap looked up from his play 
 and responded, "Sir?" 
 
 Again the father proudly commended them 
 to his companion, saying, "How polite, how 
 polite." 
 
 A third time he ventured to put them to the 
 test, as he said, "Just to show you vat two 
 polite undt spunky poys I haf," and called out, 
 "poys!" 
 
 One of the little fellows straightened him- 
 self up at this, and shaking his fist at the old 
 man, called out: 
 
 "Look here, old man, if you don't stop your 
 blame hollerin* at us, I'll come in there an' bust 
 your head with a brick." 
 
 "See!" exclaimed the delighted father, 
 "spunky, spunky! Two very polite undt 
 spunky poys." 
 
 Passing by a mill-pond in winter time, and 
 observing a parcel of boys skating right under 
 and around a DANGER sign which had been 
 erected there, a gentleman looked up the miller 
 and expostulated with him for allowing it. 
 68
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 The miller smiled and said, "You just rest 
 easy, my friend. It's all right. I put that dan- 
 ger sign there on purpose to attract the boys 
 to that part of the pond. You see the water is 
 only a foot deep there, but away on the other 
 side it's twenty feet deep. If I'd a put the 
 danger sign over there, then they'd all gone 
 over there. So I put it over here. Catch on?" 
 
 A CRANKY COUPLE 
 
 On the way to the minister's house to be 
 married a couple had a fall-out, and when the 
 woman was asked: "Would she take this man 
 for her wedded husband?" she said, "No!" 
 And the man said, "Why what's the matter 
 with you?" and she said, "Well, I've taken a 
 sudden dislike to you." 
 
 They went away without being married, but 
 they made it all up in a few days' time and 
 went to the minister's house again. But, when 
 the man was asked, "Would he have this 
 woman for his wedded wife?" he, to get even, 
 answered, "No!" and then she said, "What's 
 the matter with you, now?" and he said, "Oh, 
 
 69
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 nothin', only I've tuk a sudden dislike to 
 you." 
 
 They went away again, again made it up, 
 and again came to the minister's house, rang 
 the bell, and when the minister appeared, the 
 man said, "Well, parson, here we are again. 
 We'll make it good this time, sure; third time 
 proves, you know." And the minister said 
 "No he guessed he didn't care to marry 
 them." And then they both said, "Why, what's 
 the matter with you, now?" and he said, 
 "Well, I've taken a sudden dislike to both of 
 you!" 
 
 SO MANY BALD HEADS 
 
 Thirty-six years after the date of the battle of 
 Gettysburg, the veteran survivors of a Pennsyl- 
 vania regiment were holding their first reunion 
 in that celebrated town. In the forenoon they 
 dedicated their monument on the field of "The 
 First Day's Fight," and in the afternoon they 
 were to hold a business meeting in the Post 
 Room of the local G. A. R. On that day ac- 
 commodations were quite inadequate in 
 Gettysburg, and the Post Room was in conse- 
 70
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 quence occupied nearly every hour of the day 
 by some of the various organizations there as- 
 sembled, so that when it came the turn of this 
 particular regiment to occupy the room, the 
 Seventh Pennsylvania Cavalry was still in ses- 
 sion. They waited outside until the cavalry- 
 men were through, and then filed in. One who 
 was there says: 
 
 "As we went in, I noticed a man going in be- 
 side me, tall, well-formed, with a very fine 
 head of coal-black hair, and rather the worse 
 for drink. I wondered who he was, for I knew 
 nearly every man in the regiment, but I 
 couldn't place that man. 
 
 "Well, when we were all seated, and General 
 Wister took the gavel in hand to rap to order, 
 this black-haired man arose slowly and some- 
 what uncertainly, saluted and said: 
 
 " 'Cap'n, before you read the minutes and 
 proceed to business, I'd like to ask a question. 
 What, hie, regiment is this that's holding a re- 
 union here ?' 
 
 "'The One Hundred and Fiftieth Pennsyl- 
 vania, Bucktails,' answered the general with a 
 smile.
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 "'Then, 'tain't the Seventh Cavalry?' 
 " 'No. It's the One Hundred and Fiftieth.' 
 "The Man seemed dazed, repeated the num- 
 ber over and over to himself and said: 'Then 
 I'm in the wrong box, cap'n got left. Ever get 
 left yourself, cap'n? Great Scott, got in the 
 wrong box." 
 
 "Then he sat down, chuckling to himself over 
 his adventure and muttering, 'Wrong box,' and 
 'Got left.' 
 
 "By and by he arose again, courteously 
 saluted, and said: 
 
 " 'Cap'n, 'scuze me but what regiment did 
 you say this was? How much was it?" 
 " 'The One Hundred and Fiftieth.' 
 "'The One Hundred and Fiftieth 'm hie, 
 Great Scott,' looking carefully around the 
 room, 'a fellow'd think it was the Three Hun- 
 dred and Forty-Ninth by the bald heads a-set- 
 tin f around here!' And then he left, amidst 
 roars of laughter." 
 
 WIND AND WATER 
 
 When a political stump speaker, from the 
 wild and windy West, after a very high-falutin 
 72
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 flight of oratory paused to gulp down two 
 tumblers of ice-water, old Hayseed arose in 
 one of the front benches and called out: "Well, 
 I'll be durned if this hain't the fust time I ever 
 see a windmill run by water." 
 
 Which goes well with what we read of a 
 newly elected senator. He was pounding his 
 desk and waving his arms in an impassioned 
 appeal to the Senate. 
 
 "What do you think of him?" whispered 
 
 Senator K , of New Jersey, to the impassive 
 
 Senator K , of Pennsylvania. 
 
 "Oh, he can't help it," answered K . 
 
 "It's a birth mark." 
 
 "A what?" 
 
 "A birth mark," repeated K . "His 
 
 mother was scared by a windmill." 
 
 THE THREE ASSES 
 
 In his "Scotch Reminiscences" Dean Ram- 
 say relates that a certain ruling elder, by the 
 name of David, was well known in the district 
 as a very shrewd and ready-witted man. He 
 received visits from many people who liked a 
 
 73
 
 The Funnu Bone 
 
 banter or were fond of a good joke. One day 
 three young theological students called on the 
 old man, intending to sharpen their wits upon 
 him and have some fun at his expense. 
 
 Said the first, "Well, Father Abraham, how 
 are you to-day?" 
 
 "You are wrong," said the second. "This is 
 not Father Abraham. This is Father Isaac." 
 
 "Tut," said the third, "you are both wrong. 
 This is only Father Jacob, the originator of 
 the twelve tribes of Israel." 
 
 The old man looked at the young chaps a 
 moment and then said: "I am neither old 
 Father Abraham, nor old Father Isaac, nor old 
 Father Jacob ; but I am Saul, the son of Kish, 
 seeking his father's asses, and lo ! I have found 
 three of them !" 
 
 IN THE CLASS-ROOM 
 
 Said the professor to a student, "What is the 
 effect of heat, and what the effect of cold?" 
 "Heat expands, sir, and cold contracts." 
 
 "Correct. Give some illustrations. "Well," 
 said the boy, "in the summer, when it is hot, 
 
 74
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 the days are long ; and in the winter, when it is 
 cold, the days are short." 
 
 "How many sides has a circle?" "Two the 
 inside and the outside." 
 
 "Does an effect ever go before a cause?" 
 "Yes, sir." 
 
 "Give an illustration." "When a man pushes 
 a wheelbarrow " 
 
 "That will do, sir. Next Mr. Johnson." 
 
 A man who was very cross-eyed happened to 
 put his hand into another man's pocket, and 
 took out his watch. He told the judge that he 
 "only wanted to know the time." And the 
 judge said it was "Three years." 
 
 OLD MAN SNUCKLES 
 
 One night after saying her prayers before 
 going to bed, a nine-year-old girl astonished 
 her mother by innocently asking : 
 
 "Mother, who is Old Man Snuckles?" 
 
 "Why, my child, I never heard of a man by 
 that name." 
 
 "Oh, yes, mother," said the child, "there 
 
 75
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 must be some such man, for I pray for him 
 every night." 
 
 "Pray for Old Man Snuckles, my child? 
 Why, what do you mean?" 
 
 "Why, yes, mother. You know I pray for 
 God to bless father and mother, brother and 
 sister and 'Old Man Snuckles.' Who is he?" 
 
 Her mother saw by and by that it meant 
 "All my aunts and uncles !" 
 
 IN SEARCH OF A RESTAURANT 
 
 Many interesting and amusing stories have 
 been told of the late Judge Jeremiah Black, an 
 eminent jurist and a very prominent member 
 of President Buchanan's Cabinet. On one oc- 
 casion the judge and a legal friend were coming 
 out of the Capitol at Harrisburg, Pa. The judge 
 was busy discussing a certain case at law in 
 which he was interested, and his friend was 
 very hungry. "Say, judge," said he, "let's get 
 something to eat. I'm awful hungry." "Well," 
 said the judge, "come on. Right down this 
 street is a good place. I know it well." And 
 they walked on arm in arm, the judge laying 
 
 76
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 down the law as they proceeded. To the 
 amazement of the judge they pulled up in 
 front of an engine house ! 
 
 "Oh, no," said the judge, laughing, "I've 
 made a mistake. This isn't the place. Oh I 
 see. It's right up this street around the cor- 
 ner." Around the corner they went, walked 
 three blocks and halted in front of a church ! 
 
 Again the judge looked foolish and said: 
 "Oh, no. This isn't the place either. Let me 
 see. Oh now I have it. The place I was 
 thinking of is in Baltimore !" 
 
 His companion groaned and made a break 
 for the nearest hotel. 
 
 LITERATURE MADE EASY 
 
 A man wrote to the editor of a small weekly 
 newspaper asking a very simple question: 
 "How can I get an article into your esteemed 
 paper?" and the cruel editor wrote in reply: 
 "It all depends on the kind of article you want 
 to get into our paper. If it is small in bulk, 
 like a hair-brush or a tea-caddy, for instance, 
 spread the paper out on the floor nice and 
 
 77
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 smooth, place the article exactly in the cen- 
 ter, neatly fold the edges over it. and tie with 
 a string. This will keep the article from slip- 
 ping out. If, on the other hand, the article is 
 an English bath-tub or a clothes-horse, you 
 will find one of the New York Sunday papers 
 better suited to your purpose." 
 
 SURE CURE FOR SNORING 
 
 I was visiting my friend Nicholas von 
 Spoopendyke over in New York. He has a 
 splendid mansion away uptown, very hand- 
 somely furnished. One day he took me all 
 over the house. His bedroom was beautiful in- 
 deed, all furnished with rich old mahogany 
 polished like a looking-glass. I was admir- 
 ing the bed. It was a very old "Napoleon," 
 most finely veneered and carved, and the bed 
 was faultlessly made up, with a spotless white 
 counterpane, level as a board and not a wrinkle 
 in sight. Beautiful! 
 
 "That's my white elephant," said Spoopen- 
 dyke. "I always walk round it and keep my 
 distance. When I was first married and before 
 
 78
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 I knew the rules of the house, I sat down on 
 the side of the bed to take off my shoes once. 
 I've never done that since. Say that's a 
 mighty fine bed, ain't it? For one thing, it al- 
 ways tells me when I'm sick. If I lay down 
 on that bed in the day-time, and pull the white 
 cover over me, and my wife doesn't say noth- 
 ing then I know I'm a sick man, and the doc- 
 tor'll be there in twenty minutes." 
 
 "Say continued Spoopendyke, grow- 
 ing quite confidential, "I had a queer experi- 
 ence the other night. My wife she says I 
 snore. Well, mebby I do. Most men do. But 
 women snore, too, and you can't never get 'em 
 to confess it. Well, I was lying wide awake 
 thinking of some bills I had to pay and had 
 no money to pay 'em with and beside me lay 
 my wife snoring like all creation. She got 
 higher and louder and louder and higher, till 
 she waked herself up with a tremendous 
 whoop. Then she kicked me thinking it was 
 me that was making the racket. I said noth- 
 ing, and she sailed in again up, up, up she 
 went, higher and higher till she woke up again 
 at the top and said, 'Nick stop your blame 
 
 79
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 snoring.' I said nothing, and she went to 
 work at once again blowing her bugle-horn till 
 she waked up again. This time she was mad. 
 She got up and said something about 'getting 
 the fire-extinguisher and turning it loose on 
 him,' and went off to bed in the next room. I 
 lay still listening and laughing, as I heard her 
 blowing the fog-horn again. I laughed till I 
 forgot all about those bills and went to sleep. 
 And the next morning at the breakfast table 
 when she told me how I kept her awake all 
 night with my awful snoring and how even 
 in the next room she couldn't sleep for the 
 racket I kept up I just laughed. Tell her? 
 Not a bit of it. What's the use? She wouldn't 
 believe me, and I couldn't prove it." 
 
 TOO YOUNG 
 
 "Say, Isaacstein, don't you vant to git mar- 
 ried?" 
 
 "For vy shall I hitch me fast mit a wife?" 
 
 "Well, here's an unusually good chance, a 
 
 clean snap if you look sharp. You know Levy 
 
 the banker? Well, he has three daughters, the 
 
 80
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 youngest is eighteen years old, the next 
 twenty-five and the next thirty. I have just 
 learned that he will give $10,000 to the man 
 that marries the youngest, $15,000 to the man 
 that marries the next one, and $20,000 with the 
 oldest. Why don't you sail in, old man?" 
 
 "Dey are all too young fer me. I vill vait 
 till dey get older. I vant one about fifty." 
 
 A POOR BUSINESS LOCATION 
 
 "How iss business?" "Very poor. Noding's 
 doing." "Veil vy don't you?" "Mem himmel, 
 how kin I mit a fire-goompany on von side, 
 a fire-goompany on de odder side, undt a 
 schwmmin-school on top? I shall haf to 
 move."' 
 
 A TALE OF A SAUSAGE 
 
 On the way to attend a funeral a country 
 parson stopped to make a call on one of his 
 members who had the day before done some 
 butchering, after the old fashion. Before he 
 took his leave the good woman of the house 
 made him a present of some three yards of 
 81
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 newly made sausage, which, when he came to 
 the church where the service was to be held, 
 he bestowed for safe-keeping in the pocket of 
 his long-tailed coat. While he was reading the 
 burial service at the grave, a good-for-nothing 
 dog, scenting the savory meat, made repeated 
 efforts to dislodge the treasure, and the 
 preacher was obliged in a very awkward and 
 undignified manner to punctuate his reading of 
 the service with sundry and numerous kicks to 
 the rear to save his bacon and chase the dog 
 away. 
 
 After the interment there was a full service 
 in the church, the minister preaching the ser- 
 mon in one of those old-fashioned pulpits, 
 stuck against the wall like a swallow's nest, 
 the approach to the pulpit being by a cork- 
 screw staircase winding solemnly upward 
 from the chancel. Here the minister was safe 
 from the assaults of that miserable dog. At 
 least he thought he was. But at the conclu- 
 sion of the service, while he was standing in 
 the pulpit and looking another way, one of his 
 deacons, wishing him to make an announce- 
 ment, quietly and softly tiptoed across the 
 82
 
 The FMimg Bone 
 
 chancel and slipped up the winding stairway 
 and pulled the parson's coat-tail to attract his 
 attention. He, supposing it was the dog after 
 his sausage again, let fly a most vigorous kick, 
 which caught the poor deacon in the middle of 
 the forehead and knocked him rattling down 
 into the chancel, the preacher, still looking the 
 other way, and saying, "My friends, I am 
 sorry for this disturbance, but I have some 
 sausage in my pocket and that miserable dog 
 has been following me all this morning trying 
 to steal it!" 
 
 PUNISHMENT MADE SURE 
 
 It is an old story, but a good one that of 
 the two Germans who went into Delmonico's 
 to get something to eat. They ordered a very 
 simple supper. They had a good beefsteak, 
 fried potatoes, bread and butter, and coffee, 
 and were astounded when the waiter handed 
 them a bill for four dollars and a half. They 
 paid the bill, and when they reached the street 
 one of them began to swear at "Dot man Del- 
 monico. He is a robber and a thief." His com- 
 
 83
 
 The Funnu Bone 
 
 panion, however, gently laying a hand on his 
 shoulder, said, "Hermann, do not schwear. It 
 iss wicked to schwear. Pesides, Gott has 
 ponished dat man Delmonico alretty." "Wie?" 
 was the response. "How has Gott ponished 
 him?" "Hermann," said the other with quiet 
 assurance, "Gott has ponished him. I have my 
 pockets full mit his spoons!" 
 
 A BASHFUL BRIDEGROOM 
 
 He was a clerk in a hardware store, and she 
 was a chambermaid in a hotel. When they 
 came to the parsonage one afternoon to be 
 married, they were very kindly received. The 
 minister's wife took the bride upstairs to take 
 off her things, and the minister took the groom 
 into the parlor. 
 
 The groom was very nervous and suddenly 
 asked the minister whether he couldn't "marry 
 him while the bride was upstairs, and then 
 marry her when she came down?" But the 
 minister assured him that it was necessary that 
 the bride should be present, and that they 
 should both be married at the same time. And 
 so they were married. 
 84
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 Two hours later, while making a call at the 
 hotel, he found the bride at her work, and when 
 he asked her how that was, and whether her 
 husband had also gone back to his work at the 
 store, she replied: 
 
 "Oh, bless you, no, sir; he's gone off on his 
 honeymoon !" 
 
 A KICKIN' 
 
 A newspaper correspondent, writing to his 
 paper from the mountain region of Eastern 
 Tennessee about twenty-five years ago, had 
 the following to say: 
 
 "These mountain people have some occa- 
 sional times of recreation. I was at one re- 
 cently. A few days ago I received an invita- 
 tion to 'a KickinV In this neighborhood every 
 well-regulated family has a clumsy, old- 
 fashioned loom to weave the wool of the 
 mountain sheep into fabrics for home con- 
 sumption. Some of this material requires to 
 be fulled, and to do this 'a Kickin' ' is instituted, 
 and it was to one of these gatherings that your 
 correspondent was invited. It was held at one 
 
 85
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 of the houses, common in this section, with a 
 big fireplace and no windows, located on the 
 banks of the Spillcorn Branch. The envoy with 
 the invitation was diplomatic. 'Hev ye ever 
 bin to a Kickin' afore?' queried he. I told him 
 I had, and I had, too, in Pennsylvania at that, 
 and the only one I ever saw before. 'Would ye 
 like to go to one of our Kickin's down yere?' 
 I responded that it would certainly afford me 
 great pleasure. 'Then,' said the mountaineer, 
 'they're a-goin' to hev a Kickin' over in Spill- 
 corn to-night, an' you kin come over.' 
 
 "Not wanting to miss the overture, I went 
 early. The house was unusually large and had 
 one room, with a bed in each corner. Quite a 
 number of strapping boys and girls had col- 
 lected, and everything bore the aspect of a 
 funeral. The Kickers were ranged around on 
 chairs with that owlish silence that goes with 
 awkwardness and having nothing to say. 
 Presently one of the girls whispered something 
 to another girl near by her, and they slipped 
 out by the back door, and then every girl in the 
 house broke for the door like a lot of sheep 
 going through a gap in the fence. Then the 
 86
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 masculine tongue broke loose and Babel 
 reigned, until a few minutes later, when the 
 girls came in, and the funeral was resumed. I 
 sat in one corner with my chair tilted back, 
 taking observations, when not engaged in 
 fighting off a human gad-fly who was pestering 
 me with questions of national politics. 
 
 "Presently the old woman said they might 
 as well begin. If there was silence before, 
 pandemonium broke loose now, and everybody 
 was electrified. The old man went out on the 
 porch and rolled in a web of coarse woolen 
 fabric, containing a hundred yards or more, and 
 unrolled it in a loose pile on the floor. Then 
 the boys and girls took off their shoes and 
 stockings. The boys rolled up their pantaloons 
 as far as they could get them, while they ar- 
 ranged fourteen chairs in a circle in the middle 
 of the floor, with the pile of goods in the center. 
 The old woman, who looked for all the world 
 like one of the witches in Macbeth, poured 
 gourdfull after gourdfull of hot water on the 
 material, until it was soaking wet, and then 
 daubed soft soap with a liberal hand over the 
 whole. 
 
 87
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 "Then the Kickers sat down, boys and girls 
 alternating. The girls gathered up their skirts 
 and sat down on them. They had a bed-cord, 
 with the ends tied so that when the Kickers 
 were seated they could grasp this rope, which 
 was passed around from hand to hand, and hold 
 on while they kicked. 
 
 "Everybody now was talking at once, and 
 the confusion was that of a madhouse. The 
 gad-fly yelled at me that if 'Pennsylvany went 
 Dimmycratic it was all gone to the dogs' and 
 the kicking began. 
 
 "It will be seen that it required constant and 
 vigorous attention to business, pounding that 
 sloppy mass of woolen with bare feet, until 
 everything rattled, to keep it from being kicked 
 over on those who were disposed to be slow. 
 Twenty-eight naked feet would be kicking into 
 the pile with all the rapidity and strength their 
 owners possessed, while the soapsuds flew up 
 to the rafters. 
 
 "Everybody laughed, and yelled, and 
 
 screamed, and kicked till their faces grew red 
 
 and their eyes fairly stood out in their heads. 
 
 The floor grew as slippery as soap and water 
 
 88
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 could make it, and every now and then some 
 chair would slip and its occupant sit down sud- 
 denly on the floor, and, holding on to the rope, 
 would pull the whole crowd over in a flounder- 
 ing, laughing, yelling pile. 
 
 "Then everybody would pant and take a rest 
 and sit down again. The girls would hitch up 
 their impedimenta to a safer distance, and the 
 performance would begin all over again, and 
 thus with relays for two hours. Only one acci- 
 dent occurred. There was one big fat girl they 
 called Loweezy, who looked like a human 
 featherbed with a string tied around it. Louisa 
 was doing her level best to kick the pile over 
 on her opposite, and had gathered both feet 
 and let fly like a pile-driver, and was about to 
 repeat the operation, when, at the critical mo- 
 ment, her chair shot out backward and Louisa 
 sat down in a puddle of soapsuds, with what 
 Augusta Evans in one of her novels calls a 
 sound like the wreck of matter and the crash of 
 worlds. What little breath was in her was 
 knocked out, and it was unknown for a brief 
 space whether it would ever get back. But she 
 got up, and was duly escorted by her female 
 89
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 companions to the back porch for needed re- 
 pairs. The old man threw a few more pine- 
 knots on the fire, and Louisa returned and 
 spread herself before the cheerful blaze in a 
 manner calculated to do the most good. Then 
 when everybody was tired out the work was 
 pronounced completed, the wreck was cleaned 
 off the floor, and supper prepared." 
 
 HE WARNED HER 
 
 Last summer the congregation of a little kirk 
 in the highlands of Scotland was greatly dis- 
 turbed and mystified by the appearance in its 
 midst of an old English lady, who made use of 
 an ear trumpet during the sermon, such an in- 
 strument being entirely unknown in those 
 simple parts. There was much discussion of 
 the matter, and it was finally decided that one 
 of the elders, who had great local reputation as 
 a man of parts, should be deputed to settle the 
 question. On the next Sabbath the uncon- 
 scious offender again made her appearance and 
 again produced the trumpet, whereupon the 
 chosen elder rose from his seat and marched 
 90
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 down the aisle to where the old lady sat, and, 
 entreating her with an upraised finger, said 
 sternly : "The first toot an' ye're oot !" 
 
 INCORRIGIBLE 
 
 The teacher in a public school had an in- 
 corrigible girl to deal with, and for the twenti- 
 eth time had taken her aside for a little heart- 
 to-heart talk on the subject of conduct, and 
 was apparently making a good impression on 
 the child's mind, for she was attentive and 
 observant as she never had been before, not 
 taking her eyes off the teacher's face while she 
 was talking, so that the teacher was inwardly 
 congratulating herself, until the scholar broke 
 in with: 
 
 "Why, Miss Mary Jane, when you talk your 
 upper jaw doesn't move a bit!" 
 
 A DUTCH CONUNDRUM 
 
 A number of gentlemen from different parts 
 of the country were lodging at one of the 
 hotels in Atlantic City. It was their custom to 
 amuse themselves at table by relating anec-
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 dotes and conundrums. One of the men, a 
 Pennsylvania Dutchman, was always greatly 
 delighted at these jokes and laughed louder 
 than the rest, but never related anything him- 
 self. He couldn't think of anything to say, and 
 being so much rallied for his standing failure 
 to contribute to the general fund, he deter- 
 mined that the next time he was called on he 
 would have something to relate. So he went 
 to one of the waiters and asked him if he knew 
 any good jokes or conundrums. The waiter 
 said he did, and gave him the following : 
 
 "It is my father's child, and my mother's 
 child, and yet it is not my sister or my 
 brother," telling him at the same time that it 
 was himself. 
 
 Hans bore it well in mind, and the next day 
 at dinner he suddenly burst out with, "I've got 
 a conundrum for you!" "Let's have it!" ex- 
 claimed his companions. 
 
 "Veil here it iss. It iss my fader's child, 
 and it iss my mudder's child, and yet it wass 
 not my sister nor my brudder. Now, vat wass 
 dot?" 
 
 "Then it must be yourself," said one of the 
 
 93
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 company. And they all said the same. But 
 Hans laughed them all to scorn, saying, "Diss 
 time I cotched you. I got you now. You wass 
 all wrong. It wass der waiter." 
 
 ROUGH ON THE DEACON 
 
 The Reverend Dr. John was a country min- 
 ister and was very fond of hunting rabbits. 
 One fall day he was out in a field along the 
 public road at his favorite pastime, and had 
 located a rabbit. Just then he spied one of 
 his deacons coming down the road. Thinking 
 to play a trick on the deacon, he pulled up the 
 collar of the old coat he was wearing, drew 
 down the rim of his slouch hat, humped to- 
 gether and made himself as unrecognizable as 
 possible. He then turned his back to the road 
 and began to take a very deliberate aim. The 
 deacon was interested. He stopped in the road. 
 He walked over to the fence, and leaning on 
 
 the top rail, he called out, "Give him h 1!" 
 
 The Reverend gentleman shot the rabbit, and 
 then turned around but the deacon was off 
 on a run, nor could the minister get anywhere 
 near him for six weeks. 
 
 93
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 RABBITS ENOUGH 
 
 The same Reverend Dr. John was fond of 
 telling a good story about a neighboring min- 
 ister who served a people living up "along the 
 blue mountain." Rabbits were very plentiful 
 up in that section, and in the fall of the year 
 when this minister went on a round of pastoral 
 visitation amongst his people, they fed him on 
 rabbits wherever he came. It was rabbits in 
 the morning, rabbits at noon, rabbits at night 
 fried rabbit, stewed rabbit, roasted rabbit 
 till the poor parson was so utterly sick of the 
 fare that he composed a special grace at table, 
 which ran somewhat after this fashion : 
 
 "Rabbits young and rabbits old, 
 Rabbits hot and rabbits cold, 
 Rabbits tender and rabbits tough 
 I thank Thee, O Lord, I've had rabbits 
 enough !" 
 
 COLORED APOSTLES 
 
 The darkey preacher and one of his deacons 
 fell to discussing the color-line amongst the 
 
 94
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 apostles. The deacon maintained that "all de 
 'postles was cullud pussons, 'cause don't you 
 see, Bruddah, dat de Holy Lan' is 'bout de 
 same latitude as Africa, an' dey all jist muss a 
 bin cullud." But the parson was of a contrary 
 opinion, declaring that while "O' co'se some 
 on 'em mout a bin cullud, dey wa'n't all dat a 
 way. Dar, fer 'sample, was Saint Paul he 
 mout a bin cullud, but den dar war Saint 
 Petah, he wa'n't. I know he wa'n't." "An' 
 how you know dat, Bruddah?" queried the 
 deacon. "Wa'll, deacon," said the preacher, 
 "Saint Petah nevah was a cullud pusson, 'case 
 if he had a bin cullud dat dar rooster wouldn't 
 a crowed more'n onct." 
 
 NEAR THE END OF HIS JOURNEY 
 
 A distinguished lawyer and politician was 
 traveling with a pass on a train, when an Irish 
 woman came into the car lugging along a big 
 basket and a bundle, and sat down near him. 
 When the conductor came in to collect the 
 fares, the woman paid her money, and the con- 
 ductor passed by the lawyer without collecting 
 
 95
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 anything. The good woman looked at him 
 and said, "An' faith, an' why is it that the con- 
 ductor takes the money of a poor Irishwoman, 
 an' don't ask ye for anything, an' ye seem to 
 be a rich mon?" The lawyer replied, "My good 
 woman, I am traveling on my beauty." The 
 woman looked at him more carefully for a 
 moment, and said, "An' is that so? An' then, 
 sure, you must be near your journey's end." 
 
 BOO! 
 
 A Virginia farmer was trying to train a small 
 horse for a saddle-horse for his daughter, and 
 was riding the animal up and down the road 
 past a haystack. In order to accustom the 
 horse to sudden fright, he directed his son to 
 hide behind the haystack and jump out as he 
 rode by and say, "Boo !" The boy did so, and 
 the horse reared and plunged till he had 
 thrown the rider on the roadside and ran away. 
 The old man picked himself up, cut a switch 
 from a handy hedge, and was about to chastise 
 the boy. When the boy expostulated, declar- 
 ing that he had only done what he had been di- 
 96
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 rected to do, the old man said, "Yes, I know 
 you did, but you let out altogether too big a 
 Boo for such a small horse!" 
 
 A GREAT COUNTRY 
 
 They tried hard, but they couldn't get the 
 Yankee tourist to admit that he saw anything 
 in Europe that could beat things at home. 
 When he passed from Italy to Switzerland, 
 they asked him whether he had noticed the 
 magnificence of the Alps, and he acknowl- 
 edged, "Waal, now, come to think of it, I guess 
 I did pass some risin' ground." And before 
 this they had showed him Vesuvius, and asked 
 him what he thought of that, and whether there 
 was anything in his country could equal it. 
 And he said, "Pooh ! Why, we've got a water- 
 fall in my country so big that if you had it 
 here and turned it into your burning mountain, 
 it would put out all that fire in just six 
 seconds." 
 
 An American-born Irishman paid a visit to 
 the home of his ancestors, and they proudly 
 showed him the lakes of Killarney. "Killar- 
 
 97
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 ney, is it?" said he. "We've got lakes in 
 America so big that you could take all the lakes 
 in Ireland an' throw 'em in, and it wouldn't 
 raise the water an inch. An' as fer yer city o' 
 Dublin let me tell ye, me friend, we've got 
 States over there so big that ye could put 
 Dublin away in one corner of 'em, an' ye'd 
 never know it was there, except for the smell 
 o' the whiskey." 
 
 These honored citizens could well appreciate 
 the toast "The United States : bounded on the 
 east by primeval chaos; on the north by the 
 Aurora borealis ; on the west by the precession 
 of the equinoxes, and on the south by the Day 
 of Judgment!" 
 
 FARM ACCIDENTS 
 
 A Larimer County farmer lost a valuable 
 cow in a very unusual and distressing manner. 
 The animal, in rummaging through a summer 
 kitchen, found and swallowed an old umbrella 
 and a cake of yeast. The yeast, fermenting in 
 the poor beast's stomach, raised the umbrella 
 and she died in great agony. 
 
 The same day another accident happened. 
 98
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 A pan of cream had been left standing in the 
 spring house, and a frog had fallen in and 
 couldn't get out. He swam and swam around 
 and around, but could get no foothold to climb 
 out. So he stopped swimming and took to 
 kicking instead. He kicked and he kicked till 
 he had kicked the cream into butter, and then 
 climbed out readily. 
 
 A WONDERFUL CLIMATE 
 
 Dan Marble was once strolling along the 
 wharves in Boston, when he met a tall, gaunt 
 man, a digger from California, and got into 
 conversation with him about that wonderful 
 State. 
 
 "Healthy climate, I suppose?" inquired Dan. 
 
 "Healthy? Well, I reckon I should say so, 
 stranger. Why, d'ye know, out there you can 
 choose any kind o' climate you like, hot or 
 cold or mejum, an' that, too, without traveling 
 more'n fifteen minutes. They've got weather 
 on tap out there, so to speak, sizz or frizz, ac- 
 cordin* to taste an' preference. There's a 
 mountain there the Sary Nevady, they call 
 
 99
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 it one side hot an' one side cold. Well get 
 up on top o' that mountain with a double-barrel 
 gun, an' you can, without movin', kill either 
 winter or summer game, jest as you wish." 
 
 "What! And have you tried it?" 
 
 "Tried it often, an' would have done some 
 remarkable shootin', but jest for one thing." 
 
 "And what was that?" 
 
 "Well, I wanted a dog, you see, that could 
 stand both climates. The last dog I had froze 
 his tail off pintin' on the summer side. He 
 was on the Great Divide, you see, nose on the 
 summer side, tail on the winter side, an' his 
 tail froze right off before I could shoot." 
 
 HE CUT IT SHORT 
 
 Garrigan was the name of the new station 
 agent. He was an Irishman, of course, and 
 magnified his office by sending in to head- 
 quarters very lengthy telegraphic despatches 
 giving very minute details of the many acci- 
 dents that happened to the trains at his station. 
 Headquarters, at length wearying of the man's 
 unnecessary prolixity, instructed him to cut out 
 100
 
 The Funnu Bone 
 
 all superfluous particulars and to confine him- 
 self to essentials only. "Cut it out?" said he, 
 "an* sure that I will the very next time an acci- 
 dent happens, or me name isn't Garrigan." The 
 next day some cars went off the track they 
 were always going off the track at his station 
 and as soon as they were made all right, he 
 wired headquarters a laconic despatch, in the 
 very rhythm of which one can hear the rumble 
 of the car-wheels: "Off again; on again; gone 
 again. Garrigan!" 
 
 NOT GOOD LOOKING 
 
 A man was buying a horse of a French 
 Canadian. He looked the animal over care- 
 fully. The Frenchman said, "He not look ver' 
 goot, but he is a goot horse." The purchaser, 
 not setting much store by the man's judgment 
 of good looks in a horse, and saying that he 
 didn't care for appearance provided other 
 things were all right, bought the animal. Next 
 day he brought the horse back, saying that he 
 was blind of an eye, and demanded his money 
 back, but the Frenchman said, "Non! Vot I 
 tell you? Did I not say zat he not look goot?" 
 101
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 One day when Mrs. Van Auken installed a 
 Chinaman in her kitchen, the following con- 
 versation took place: 'What is your name, 
 sir?" asked Mrs. Van Auken. "Oh, my namee 
 Ah Sin Foo !" "But I can't remember all that 
 lingo, my man. I'll call you Jimmy." Velly 
 welle. Now whachee namee I callee you?" 
 "Well, my name is Mrs. Van Auken. Call me 
 that." "Oh, me can no membel Missee Yanne 
 Auken. Too big piecee namee. I callee you 
 Tommy Missee Tommy." 
 
 A FLANK MOVEMENT 
 
 At a Camp Fire of the Grand Army of the 
 Republic a comrade, being called on for a 
 speech, got up and said, "Now, boys, you all 
 know I can't make a speech; I never could. 
 And the Commander shouldn't have called on 
 me to get up. I feel now like my brother Sam 
 felt, one summer night, when he hadn't any- 
 thing particular to do. He wandered into a 
 Methodist prayer-meeting and sat down near 
 the door in one of those high-backed old- 
 102
 
 The Fvmng Bone 
 
 fashioned pews. He had no idea that he'd be 
 called on to say anything, or he wouldn't have 
 gone near, but what did the blame preacher do 
 when he spied Sam but call on him to pray! 
 Sam was nearly scared to death. He didn't 
 know what to do ; but when he saw all the con- 
 gregation getting down on their hunkers be- 
 tween the pews where they couldn't see him, 
 and the door was open, he heard the bugle call 
 to "Retreat," got down on all fours and turned 
 turtle, and crawled out of that church on a 
 double quick, and skipped for Home, sweet 
 Home." 
 
 A LONELY PLACE 
 
 "Mamma," said a little girl, "George Wash- 
 ington never told a lie, did he?" Being so 
 assured, she continued: "And I guess pretty 
 nearly everybody else did?" This being like- 
 wise admitted as probable, she went on, "I 
 guess even father sometimes tells a fib, doesn't 
 he?" It was hard to admit that, but it had to 
 be. "And, mamma, you tell some once in a 
 while? I know I do." When this was also 
 reluctantly confessed, the child drew a sigh 
 103
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 and said, 'Oh, mamma! What a lonely place 
 Heaven will be, with nobody in it but God and 
 George Washington!" 
 
 THE PRICE OF A DOG 
 
 A man had a dog, and the dog was such a 
 poor, miserable cur that everybody wondered 
 at the attachment of the man to such a beast. 
 One day in the barroom of a tavern a number 
 of young men were rallying him on his dog, 
 and wanted to know how much he'd take for 
 his pet. The man said that he loved that dog 
 so much that he couldn't think of parting with 
 him he "wouldn't take twenty dollars for that 
 dog." His tormentors, knowing him to be 
 thoroughly conscientious, although poor, and 
 that when he had given his word he would 
 never go back on it, got together forty silver 
 half-dollars, piled them up on the bar, and 
 called on him to decide whether he would 
 rather have that miserable dog or all that pile 
 of silver? "No, gentlemen," said he, walking 
 up to the bar and counting the money care- 
 fully, "I stick to what I said. I won't take 
 104
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 twenty dollars for Pete. It's too much. Nine- 
 teen dollars and a half is every cent he's worth. 
 The dog is yours." Leaving one half-dollar on 
 the bar, he scooped the other thirty-nine into 
 his hat. 
 
 WHY THE HAWKEYE MAN COULDN'T 
 PAY 
 
 Iowa, 12, 3, '06. 
 
 Dear Sir: Your sumptuous letter received, 
 and in reply will say that they come frequently, 
 and it would have afforded the boys much 
 amusement had not the melancholy thought 
 come with it that you had no better sense than 
 to abuse, slander and dun a gentleman. 
 
 You speak of honor, if you are honorable you 
 know not whereof you speak. You also speak 
 of causing me much trouble, my land, I have 
 already trouble enough to send a whole 
 brigade of you wise boys over the road fifty 
 times. I will give you a history of this case, 
 and if you are surprised at my actions in re- 
 gard to your claim for 10.00 you are undoubt- 
 edly the worst set of misers on earth. 
 
 To begin with in 1891 I bought a restaurant 
 
 105
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 on credit. In 1892 I bought an OX team, a tim- 
 ber cart, a pair of Texas ponies, a gold watch, 
 a breech-loading shotgun, A repeating rifle, A 
 milk cow, A pair of fine hogs, and a set of books 
 all on the instalment plan, and hired hands to 
 dig a fish pond. In 1905 my restaurant burned 
 flat to the ground and never left me a thing, 
 one of my ponies died and I hired the other 
 one to an infernal, insignificant drummer. He 
 killed him driving him too hard. Then I 
 joined the farmers alliance and Methodist 
 church, and took advantage of the homestead 
 exemption and honest debtors' relief law, and 
 then had my applycation wrote out to join the 
 masons. In the latter part of 1905 my father 
 died and my mother married a Mexican. And 
 my brother Bud was lynched for horse steal- 
 ing. My sister choked to death on a button 
 and I had to pay her funeral expenses. 
 
 In 1905 I got burned out again, and I took 
 to drink and soon went through with the in- 
 terest on what I owed, which was all I had 
 left. My wife run away and left me all the chil- 
 dren to take care of. I don't care for anybody 
 and nothing surprises me any more. Now if 
 106
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 you feel like tackeling me pitch in, I'll have to 
 stand it, I suppose. But let me give you a gen- 
 tle tip, getting money out of me is like stuffing 
 butter in a keyhole with a hot awl. 
 
 You speak of making no effort to adjust this 
 bill; what is the use? If steam boats were 
 worth two cents apiece I couldn't buy a gang 
 plank. You ask if I thought it would of been 
 more manly to of acknowledged the truth. I 
 answer no, by the way, I don't expect anything 
 but to be pestered by lawyers, collection 
 sharks and other humbugs and grafters, until 
 this pestilence relieves me from their clutches. 
 Be for I die I am going to Petition heigh 
 heaven for a shower of fire and destruction on 
 the whole bunch. And I will particular pray 
 that the storm spend most of its fury on that 
 southern hamlet where you claim to get your 
 mail. 
 
 Maliciously and disrespectfully yours, 
 
 THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT 
 
 Father had bought and planted a number of 
 dwarf pear trees in the yard around the house. 
 107
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 He watched their growth and development 
 with great interest for several years, and when 
 at last one of the trees produced just one pear, 
 all the children in the house were straitly and 
 strictly forbidden to pull that pear off the tree. 
 "Whoever pulls that pear off the tree will get 
 a whipping, and a good one." 
 
 The pear grew larger daily, and riper and 
 more lusciously tempting. How the sight of it 
 made our mouths water especially as it was 
 forbidden to pull it off! However, some one 
 of the children, carefully reasoning that it was 
 not forbidden to touch the pear, nor even to 
 eat it, only that it must not be "pulled off" 
 bent down the limb that bore it, ate the juicy 
 fruit, and left the core hanging on the tree ! 
 
 KEEN CUTTERS 
 
 They were sitting opposite me in the smok- 
 ing car, two traveling salesmen, having a quiet 
 game of cards and sharpening their wits be- 
 tween deals with quips, quirks and conun- 
 drums. 
 
 "You come from Kalamazoo, I believe?" 
 queried the one. 
 
 108
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 "Yep," said the other, "best old town on the 
 earth." 
 
 "D'ye know," drawled the Boston man, 
 "what we Boston people call the people that 
 live in your town?" 
 
 "Nope, an' we don't care much, neither. But, 
 just by way of conversation, may I inquire 
 what you call 'em?" 
 
 "We call 'em a zoo. See?" 
 
 "Yep, I see," said the Kalamazoo man. "And 
 do you know and can you tell me what kind o' 
 people live in your town of Boston?" 
 
 "Best and smartest people on earth," was 
 the emphatic answer. 
 
 "Well," was the response, "out my way we 
 say that people that live in Boston are nothing 
 but human beans. See? Cut for a new deal." 
 
 NAMING THE APOSTLES 
 
 After a dinner in one of the most hospitable 
 residences in Washington, a party of very dis- 
 tinguished men Cabinet ministers, senators, 
 diplomats, scientists and soldiers sat in the 
 smoking-room, and the conversation drifted 
 109
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 from politics to religious questions. Some- 
 body remarked that he once sat in the Union 
 League Club in New York, with Roscoe Conk- 
 ling, Chester A. Arthur and several other dis- 
 tinguished gentlemen who had been carefully 
 educated in religious families, and that none of 
 them was able to name the Twelve Apostles. 
 
 "That's easy," said a senator brashly, be- 
 ginning: "Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, 
 bless the bed that I lie on, Paul, the two 
 Jameses, Jude, Barnabas " and there he 
 stopped with some embarrassment. 
 
 "Timothy," suggested a major-general, who 
 was a vestryman in an Episcopal Church. 
 
 "Nonsense," answered a senator. "Timothy 
 was a disciple of Paul's. He wasn't one of the 
 Twelve Apostles." 
 
 "Nicodemus," added one of the company. 
 
 "Jeremiah," suggested another. 
 
 "Judas was one of the apostles," meekly 
 came from a voice in a corner. 
 
 "I'll be blamed if he was. He was a disciple, 
 so far I'll go, but no farther," was the curt re- 
 ply. 
 
 "Weren't the disciples and the apostles the 
 no
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 same thing?" inquired the meek voice, getting 
 a little bolder. 
 
 Bartholomew was next suggested, and ac- 
 cepted by several. 
 
 "What's the matter with Peter?" exclaimed 
 a modest young member of the Diplomatic 
 Corps who had hitherto been silent. 
 
 "How many does that make?" somebody 
 asked, and they counted up eleven for sure, 
 with as many more doubtful. 
 
 "Lets look in the Bible," some one sug- 
 gested, and the Good Book was overhauled in 
 vain. Nobody could find the place, some in- 
 sisting it was in Chronicles somewhere, while 
 other authorities were equally certain of 
 Corinthians. Then an encyclopedia was ap- 
 pealed to, but it was not entirely satis- 
 factory, for it included Thomas and Andrew 
 in the list, and that would make one too 
 many thirteen, an unlucky number. Besides, 
 the justice of the Supreme Court and two 
 senators were positive that Andrew was 
 not an apostle all of which teaches the great 
 usefulness and the pressing need of Sunday- 
 schools. 
 
 in
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 THE REAR GUARD 
 
 Artemus Ward was traveling on a slow-go- 
 ing southern road soon after the war. While 
 the conductor was punching his ticket, Arte- 
 mus remarked: "Does this railroad company 
 allow passengers to give it advice, if they do 
 so in a respectful manner?" The conductor re- 
 plied in gruff tones that he guessed so. "Well," 
 Artemus went on, "it has occurred to me that 
 it would be well, perhaps, to detach the cow- 
 catcher from the front of the engine and hitch 
 it to the rear of the train. For, you see, we 
 are not likely to overtake a cow ; but what's to 
 prevent a cow strolling into this car and biting 
 the passengers?" 
 
 THE TURKEY WAS TAME 
 
 A gentleman who was buying a turkey from 
 old Uncle Ephraim asked him, in making the 
 purchase, if it was a tame turkey. 
 
 "Oh, yais, sir; it's a tame tu'key all right." 
 "Now, Ephraim, are you sure it's a tame tur- 
 key?" 
 
 112
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 "Oh, yais, sir; dere's no so't o' doubt 'bout 
 dat. It's a tame tu'key all right." 
 
 He consequently bought the turkey, and a 
 day or two later, when eating it, came across 
 several shot. Later on, when he met old 
 Ephraim on the street, he said: 
 
 "Well, Ephraim, you told me that was a 
 tame turkey, but I found some shot in it when 
 I was eating it." 
 
 "Oh, dat war a tame tu'key all right," was 
 Uncle Ephraim's reiterated rejoinder, "but de 
 fac' is, boss, I's gwine to tell yer in confidence, 
 dat dem 'ere shot was intended for me." 
 
 BOOMERANG STORIES 
 
 During the Civil War a German cavalry- 
 man, Hans von Gelder by name, on coming 
 into camp saw at a distance a squad of men 
 who were apparently greatly interested or ex- 
 cited about something. 
 
 "Vat's der matter oud dere ?" asked Hans. 
 
 "Shelling," was the laconic answer. 
 
 "Shellin'? Who was giffin' us fits now? 
 Whose gommand is makin' dot shellin'?"
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 "It's General R 's command shelling 
 
 corn for the horses." When Hans finally 
 grasped the idea, he laughed long and loud and 
 determined to make some one else the victim 
 of the jest. Upon returning to his tent he wak- 
 ened his sleeping comrade and exclaimed: 
 
 "Say, I haf got von goot shoke." 
 
 "You couldn't get off a joke, Hans, to save 
 your soul." 
 
 "Veil, now, you ask me vat dem fellers are 
 doin' ofer dere, undt I vill tell you dot shoke." 
 
 "Well, what air they doin' over there?" 
 
 "Dey vas shellin' corn for dere hosses. Haw ! 
 haw! haw!" 
 
 "But that hain't no joke." 
 
 "Bond id?" asked Hans in surprise. "Veil, 
 if id dond now, it used to pe." 
 
 Sam Ward was once seated opposite a well- 
 known senator at a dinner in Washington. 
 The senator was very bald, and the light shin- 
 ing brilliantly on the breadth of his scalp at- 
 tracted Ward's attention. 
 
 "Can you tell me," said he to his neighbor, 
 "why that senator's head is like Alaska?" 
 114
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 "I'm sure I don't know," was the answer. 
 
 "Because it is a great white bear place." 
 
 The man was immensely tickled and he at 
 once hailed the senator across the table : 
 
 "Say, senator, Ward's just got off a good 
 thing about you." 
 
 "What is it? Let's have it." 
 
 Do you know why your bald head is like 
 Alaska?" 
 
 "No. Give it up." 
 
 "Because it is a great place for white bears." 
 
 The following, gentle reader, is given place 
 here purely for the benefit of the next genera- 
 tion: 
 
 In a certain court in the good State of Maine, 
 once upon a time, the proceedings were de- 
 layed by the failure of a witness by the name 
 of Sarah Mony to arrive. After waiting a long 
 time for Sarah, the court concluded to wait no 
 longer, and his Honor, wishing to crack his 
 little joke, remarked : 
 
 "The Court will adjourn without Sarah 
 Mony." 
 
 Everybody laughed except one man who sat 
 
 "5
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 in solemn meditation for five full minutes, and 
 then burst out into a hearty guffaw, "I see it ! 
 I see it!" 
 
 He laughed all the way home, and when he 
 arrived there he tried to tell the joke to his 
 wife, saying that he had been down in the 
 court-house, and they were trying a case, and 
 there was a witness wanted who didn't turn 
 up, and her name was Mary Mony, and so the 
 judge said, "We'll adjourn without Mary 
 Mony" Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 And then his wife said she didn't see any- 
 thing funny in that, and he said, "I know it, I 
 know it. I didn't at first either. But you will 
 in about five minutes." 
 
 "Say, Jenks, old boy," said one man to an- 
 other on the street, "here's a good one : What's 
 the difference between me and a donkey?" 
 
 "Well what is the difference?" 
 
 "Measuring by my eye, I should say it was 
 about three feet." 
 
 Jenks, thinking that too good to be lost, car- 
 ried it home to his wife. "Say, Maria," said 
 he, "what's the difference between me and a 
 116
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 donkey?" And the cruel woman with a merry 
 laugh answered, "Not a particle of difference!" 
 
 A PROMISING BUSINESS BOY 
 
 That was certainly a very enterprising Chi- 
 cago lad who was found selling tickets to the 
 children in his neighborhood, at a nickel apiece, 
 the tickets entitling the holder to view the 
 eclipse from his mother's back yard. 
 
 HE DIDN'T GET IT IN THE NECK 
 
 Among the visitors at a Dog Show at Atlan- 
 tic City, N. J., was a very tall man who com- 
 plained to an exhibitor that his dog, a very 
 diminutive specimen, had bitten him on the 
 ankle. The exhibitor looked the man over, and 
 then said with a charming down-East drawl : 
 
 "Well, stranger, I reckon you are about six 
 feet tall. This here dog o' mine ain't more'n 
 six inches high. He bit you on the ankle, did 
 he? Well, I'm sorry, but you couldn't natu- 
 rally expect so small a dog to bite you on the 
 neck." 
 
 117
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 A HARD WITNESS 
 
 "Do you know the prisoner well?" asked the 
 attorney. 
 
 "Never knew him sick," replied the witness. 
 
 "Come no levity," said the lawyer sternly. 
 "Now, sir, did you ever see the prisoner at the 
 bar?" 
 
 "Took many a drink with him at the bar." 
 
 "Answer my question," yelled the lawyer. 
 "How long have you known the prisoner?" 
 
 "From two feet up to five feet ten inches." 
 
 "Will the Court please make the " 
 
 "I have, Jedge," said the witness, anticipat- 
 ing the lawyer. "I have answered his ques- 
 tion. I knowed the prisoner when he was a 
 boy two feet long and a man five feet ten." 
 
 "Your Honor " 
 
 "It's a fact, Jedge, and I'm under oath," per- 
 sisted the witness. The lawyer arose, placed 
 both hands on the table in front of him, spread 
 his legs apart, leaned his body over the table 
 and said: 
 
 "Will you tell the Court what you know 
 about this case?" 
 
 118
 
 The Fvmng Bone 
 
 "That ain't his name," answered the witness. 
 
 "What ain't his name?" 
 
 "Why, Case." 
 
 "Who said it was?" 
 
 "You did, just now. You wanted to know 
 what I knew about this Case. His name is 
 Smith." 
 
 "Your Honor," howled the lawyer, pulling 
 his beard, "will you make the witness answer 
 my questions?" 
 
 "Witness," said the judge, "you must an- 
 swer the questions put .to you." 
 
 "Land o' Goshen! Hain't I been doin' it, 
 Jedge? Let the blame cuss fire away, I'm 
 ready." 
 
 "Then," said the lawyer, "don't beat about 
 the bush any more. You and the prisoner have 
 been friends?" 
 
 "Never." 
 
 "What! wasn't you summoned here as a 
 friend?" 
 
 "No, sir. I was summoned here as a Presby- 
 terian. Nary one of us ever was friends. He's 
 a old-line Baptist without a drop o' Quaker 
 blood in him." 
 
 119
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 "Stand down," yelled the lawyer in disgust. 
 
 "Hey?" 
 
 "Stand down!" 
 
 "Can't do it. I kin set down, ef ye want me 
 to, or I kin stand up, but I can't stand down." 
 
 "Sheriff remove this man from the box." 
 
 Witness retires muttering: "Well, if he ain't 
 the thick-headedest cuss I ever laid eyes on." 
 
 IMPOSSIBLE BUT FUNNY 
 
 The Board of Councilmen in a Mississippi 
 town voted the following resolutions at one of 
 their meetings: 
 
 "First Resolved by this council, that we 
 build a new jail. 
 
 "Second Resolved that the new jail be built 
 out of the materials of the old jail. 
 
 ^hird Resolved that the old jail be used 
 till the new jail is finished." 
 
 This is something like the account an Irish 
 sailor once gave of the execution of a negro on 
 the west coast of Africa. He told how the 
 negro's hands were tied behind his back, and 
 how the executioner cut the man's head off at 
 120
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 one clip, and how the headless man stooped 
 down, seized his bloody head and set it up on 
 his neck where it was before ! When some by- 
 stander remarked that such a thing was im- 
 possible, for "How could the man pick up his 
 head from the ground when his hands were 
 tied behind his back?" "Begorry," was the an- 
 swer, "he done it wid his teeth !" 
 
 RURAL JUSTICE 
 
 It occurred years ago in the mountain re- 
 gions in Eastern Tennessee. Some of the na- 
 tives had been gambling in a tobacco barn, and 
 one of the neighbors, in the interest of good 
 morals, had them up "afore the justice" for it. 
 The squire had a lank specimen of humanity 
 before him and was examining him. 
 
 "Now, Zeke, you tell us what you know 
 about this here gamblin'." 
 
 "Wot gamblin'?" 
 
 "Why, this here gamblin' at Jamison's barn." 
 
 "At Jamison's barn?" 
 
 "Yes, at Jamison's barn. You was there. 
 Now, what do you know about this gamblin'?" 
 
 121
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 "Gamblin' at Jamison's barn? Who said 
 there was any gamblin'?" 
 
 "Was you at Jamison's?" 
 
 "Was I?" 
 
 "Yes. Was you there?" 
 
 "Where?" 
 
 "At Jamison's barn." 
 
 "Ye s. I wuz thar off an' on ever sence it 
 wuz built." 
 
 "Was you there last week?" 
 
 "Wot in the barn?" 
 
 "I don't know. Was they a-gamblin' 
 there?" 
 
 "Wuz who a-gamblin'?" 
 
 "That's what I want to know. Was anybody 
 a-gamblin' ?" 
 
 "A-gamblin' where?" 
 
 "At Jamison's barn. Did you see them gam- 
 blin'?" 
 
 "Did I see them gamblin', d'ye say?" 
 
 "Yes. Was you in close proximity to them 
 a-gamblin'?" 
 
 "Zimmity Zimmity. See here, square, 
 what's this here ye're a-givin' me. Don't you 
 go to projeckin around me that a way. I'm a 
 122
 
 The Fxinng Bone 
 
 mountain man, I am, an' I ain't to be fooled 
 with nohow." 
 
 "I asked, Zeke, did you see anybody a-gam- 
 blin' or not a-gamblin'?" 
 
 "Where?" 
 
 "At Jamison's barn last week." 
 
 "Did I see anybody a-gamblin' last 
 week " 
 
 "Yes, now; that's it." 
 
 "Yes. I see some a-gamblin' last week." 
 
 "Ah! now we're comin' to it. Who was it 
 you saw a-gamblin' last week?" 
 
 "Why, don't you know, you an' me an' Bill 
 was playin' keerds at the mill " 
 
 "Oh pshaw ! I don't mean that. Was any- 
 body gamblin' at Jamison's?" 
 
 "Wotat Jamison's?" 
 
 This went on for a full hour, and it all came 
 to one thing. Nobody knew anything about 
 it, and after some talk a weazen-faced, dried-up 
 old man, who had been whittling a piece of 
 bark, said: 
 
 "Square, there ain't been nothin' a-proved, 
 and this here case must be stopped. I'll pay 
 the costs." 
 
 123
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 "Well," said the magistrate, "there ain't 
 been nothin' proved up, an' if you'll pay the 
 costs of one sixty, I'll call this here case a 
 Nolly Prossy." 
 
 And then the old man said, "All right, 
 square. Here's yer money fer the costs. I 
 don't mind about payin' 'em seein' as how I 
 won the whole pot anyways." 
 
 Let a vote be taken for the wisest man, and 
 every fool will vote for himself. 
 
 PURE SCOTCH 
 
 Andrew Carnegie, in the smoke-room of the 
 Baltic, talked about Scotch whisky. 
 
 "It is a pure but a powerful spirit," he said, 
 smiling. "In Peebles the other day they told 
 me a good story about it. 
 
 "It seems that a Peebles lawyer and his 
 clerk had been to a wedding of the real, old- 
 fashioned sort. On the way home the lawyer 
 said, as they were crossing the famous Peebles 
 iron bridge : 
 
 " 'Noo, Saunders, mon, I'll juist gang on 
 124
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 ahead a meenit, an' ye'll tell me if I'm walkin' 
 straucht.' 
 
 "So the lawyer walked ahead, and then called 
 back: 
 
 "'Straucht, Saimders?" 
 
 " 'Straucht's a die/ Saunders answered; 'but 
 hie wha's that wi* ye?' " 
 
 WHY HE WAS A DEMOCRAT 
 
 "The old teacher in one of the smaller 
 schools near my native town of Peekskill," said 
 Senator Depew, "had drilled a number of his 
 brightest scholars in the history of contempo- 
 rary politics, and to test their faith and their 
 knowledge he called upon three of them one 
 day and demanded a declaration of personal 
 political principles. 
 
 "You are a Republican, Tom, are you not?" 
 inquired he of the first. "Yes, sir," was the 
 answer. "And, Bill, you are a Prohibitionist, 
 I believe?" "Yes, sir," said Bill. "And, Jim, 
 you are a Democrat?" "Yes, sir," said Jim. 
 
 "Well, now," continued the teacher, "the one 
 of you that gives the best reason why he be- 
 
 125
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 longs to his party can have this live wood- 
 chuck which I caught on my way to school this 
 morning." 
 
 "I am a Republican," said the first boy, "be- 
 cause the Republican party saved the country 
 in the war and abolished slavery." 
 
 "And I am a Prohibitionist," rattled off the 
 second youth, "because rum is our country's 
 greatest enemy, and the cause of our over- 
 crowded prisons and poorhouses." 
 
 "Very excellent reasons, boys, very excellent 
 reasons," observed the teacher encouragingly. 
 "And, now, Jim, why are you a Democrat?" 
 
 "Well, sir," was the slow reply, "I am a 
 Democrat because I want that woodchuck !" 
 
 FINALLY THE WORM TURNED 
 
 A muscular Irishman strolled into the Civil 
 Service examination-room where candidates 
 for the police force are put to a physical test. 
 
 "Strip," ordered the police surgeon. 
 
 "What's that?" demanded the uninitiated. 
 
 "Get your clothes off, and be quick about it," 
 said the doctor. 
 
 126
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 The Irishman disrobed, and permitted the 
 doctor to measure his chest and legs and to 
 pound his back. 
 
 "Hop over this bar," ordered the doctor. 
 
 The man did his best, landing on his back. 
 
 "Now double up your knees and touch the 
 floor with your hands." 
 
 He sprawled, face downward, on the floor. 
 He was indignant but silent. 
 
 "Jump under this cold shower," ordered the 
 doctor. 
 
 ''Sure, that's funny!" muttered the applicant. 
 
 "Now run around the room ten times to test 
 your heart and wind," directed the doctor. 
 
 The candidate rebelled. "I'll not. I'll sthay 
 single." 
 
 "Single?" asked the doctor, surprised. 
 
 "Sure," said the Irishman, "what's all this 
 fussing got to do with a marriage license!" 
 
 He had strayed into the wrong bureau. 
 
 A number of mischievous boys on their way 
 to drive the cows home from pasture one even- 
 ing, passing by the low and lonely cabin oc- 
 cupied by a poor old woman, hearing some one 
 127
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 talking within, peeped through the window 
 and saw the poor old body on her knees before 
 the wide old-fashioned chimney. She was piti- 
 fully beseeching God to send her bread. The 
 boys thinking it would be a good joke, ran 
 back home and got some loaves of bread. The 
 old lady was praying still for bread when they 
 returned, all out of breath. They climbed up 
 on the roof quietly and threw the loaves down 
 the chimney, scrambled down to the door and 
 listened to the poor old soul pouring her heart 
 out in thanksgiving to God for sending her 
 bread from heaven. Then they opened xhe 
 door, and burst in on her with : 
 
 "Why, granny ! Did you think God sent you 
 that bread? We tumbled it down the chim- 
 bley!" 
 
 And she said, "Well, boys, God did send it 
 even if the devil did bring it." 
 
 NO WATER IN HIS 
 
 During a great temperance agitation out in 
 Kansas a man was lecturing in a public school 
 building on chemistry. An interested auditor, 
 128
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 a farmer, couldn't at all get the hang of the 
 lecturer's remarks, and asked his neighbor in 
 the next seat: "Say, what does the lecturer 
 mean by oxy-gin and hydro-gin, and what is 
 the difference?" "Well," was the answer, 
 "they come to 'bout the same thing. There 
 ain't enough difference betwixt them to 
 amount to much. You see, by oxy-gin the lec- 
 turer means pure gin, and by hydro-gin he 
 means gin and water." 
 
 "Thank you, sir," replied Hayseed, "I reckon 
 I'll take oxy-gin. It goes further." 
 
 RAISING CAIN 
 
 Robert Burdette, in one of his lectures, thus 
 describes scientific education in primeval 
 times : "When a placid but exceedingly unan- 
 imous-looking animal went rolling by, pro- 
 ducing the general effect of an eclipse, Cain 
 would shout : 
 
 "Oh, lookee, lookee, pa! What's that?" 
 "Then the patient Adam, trying to saw 
 enough kitchen wood to last over Sunday, with 
 a piece of flint for a saw, would have to pause 
 and gather up enough words to say: 
 129
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 "That, my son? That is only a mastodon gi- 
 ganteus; he has a bad look but a Christian 
 temper." 
 
 "And then presently: 
 
 "Oh, pa! pa! What's that over yon?" 
 
 "Oh, bother," Adam would reply; "it's only 
 a paleotherium, mammalia pachydermata." 
 
 "Oh, yes; theliocomeafterus. Oh, lookee, 
 lookee at this 'un!" 
 
 "Where, Cainny? Oh, that in the mud? 
 That's only an acephala lamelli branchiata. It 
 won't bite you, but you mustn't eat it. It's 
 poison as politics." 
 
 "Whee! See there! See, see, see! What's 
 him?" 
 
 "Oh, that? Looks like a pleiosaurus; keep 
 out of his way ; he has a jaw like your mother." 
 
 "Oh, yes; a plenosserus. And what's that 
 fellow, poppy?" 
 
 "That's a silurus malapterous. Don't you 
 go near him, for he has the disposition of a 
 Georgia mule." 
 
 "Oh, yes; a slapterus. And what's this lit- 
 tle one?" 
 
 "Oh, it's nothing but an aristolochioid. 
 130
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 Where did you get it? There, now, quit 
 throwing stones at the acanthopterygian ; do 
 you want to be kicked? And you keep away 
 from the nothodenatrichomanoides. My stars, 
 Eve! where did he get that anonaceo-hydro- 
 charideo-nymphaeoid? Do you never look af- 
 ter him at all? Here, you Cain, get right away 
 from down there, and chase that megalosaurius 
 out of the melon-patch, or I'll tet the mono- 
 pleuro brachian on you !" 
 
 A MEAN COMPANY 
 
 Mark Twain is credited with telling a good 
 story about the meanest corporation on earth. 
 A man was working for this company, drilling 
 holes for blasting rock. He got to work on a 
 place where there was a charge that had not 
 gone off. So, as he sat there quietly drilling 
 away, there was an explosion. He went up and 
 up till he didn't look any bigger than a hat; 
 and then up and up till he didn't look any big- 
 ger than a walnut ; and then up and up till he 
 went out of sight. Then he began to come 
 down and down till he looked as big as a wal-
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 nut ; and then down and down till he looked as 
 big as a hat; and then down and down till he 
 sat right in the place he had left, and went on 
 drilling away as if nothing had happened. He 
 was absent just sixteen minutes and forty-two 
 seconds and the company was so mean that 
 they docked him for loss of time! 
 
 "Say, boy, say!" exclaimed a hot looking 
 man with a big valise, "what's the quickest 
 way to the cars?" "Run!" yelled the boy as he 
 dodged into an alley. The man was very sorry 
 the boy had so suddenly disappeared, for he 
 was so pleased with the kind information that 
 if he could only have come near enough to the 
 boy, he would certainly have given him some- 
 thing to remember him by. 
 
 When the preacher went into politics and 
 suffered in his professional character in conse- 
 quence, he thought well to make an humble 
 confession to his conference to the effect that 
 "the muddy pool of politics was the rock on 
 which I split" 
 
 He mixed his figures about as badly as a 
 132
 
 The Fxinny Bone 
 
 famous Irishman, Sir Boyle Roche, who, sus- 
 pecting the opposition of some sort of under- 
 hand intentions, revealed his acuteness and his 
 purpose to head off the enemy in the following 
 terms: "I smell a rat; I feel it in the air; and 
 I will nip it in the bud !" 
 
 A SURE THING 
 
 The colonel and a friend were sitting on the 
 back porch of the house smoking and talking. 
 They fell to discussing the intoxicating proper- 
 ties of beer. The colonel maintained that a 
 man couldn't possibly drink enough beer to 
 make him drunk, but his friend was of a con- 
 trary mind. The colonel went into his kitchen 
 and brought out a two-gallon tin bucket, and 
 said, "See this bucket? Well, I have a German 
 sawing wood down in my barn at the end of 
 the lot. I'll bet you ten dollars that he can 
 drink all the beer that bucket will hold at one 
 sitting, and not be the worse for it." The bet 
 was taken, and the colonel called the man from 
 his work, and said, "Diedrich, you see that 
 bucket ? If I were to fill that bucket with beer, 
 
 133
 
 The Fvmng Bone 
 
 do you think you could drink it all at one sit- 
 ting?" 
 
 The German smiled broadly, and said he 
 guessed he could he could try. "But I want 
 you to be certain," said the colonel. "Veil," 
 said Diedrich, "I guess I could, but maybe I 
 couldn't." With this he was dismissed and 
 the subject was dropped. 
 
 At the end of a half hour, Diedrich appeared 
 on the scene and said that if that bucket was 
 filled with beer he could drink it all without 
 stopping. He was certain he could. Accord- 
 ingly he was sent with the bucket to a neigh- 
 boring brewery and promptly returned with 
 the vessel full to the brim. He placed it on a 
 table, drew up a chair, tilted the bucket and 
 set to work. In a very short time he had fin- 
 ished, arose, thanked the colonel and was mak- 
 ing for the wood-pile. 
 
 "Hold on," called the colonel, "I want to ask 
 you a question. When I called you up the first 
 time you were uncertain whether you could 
 drink that bucket of beer or not, and then after 
 a while you came back and said you were cer- 
 tain you could. How do you explain that?" 
 
 134
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 Diedrich drew the back of his hand across his 
 mouth, and said, "Vy, colonel, dot is easy to 
 explain. Der first time ven you ask me, I did 
 not know for sure. So ven I vent away, I vent 
 over to der brewery undt got me a bucket 
 about so big as yours undt tried if I could 
 undt I found I could, I could; undt so I coom 
 back here sure, sure dat I could drink your 
 bucket full mit beer. See ?" 
 
 THE LOGIC OF GRAMMAR 
 
 While instructing his pupils in grammar, a 
 country school-teacher gave out this sentence 
 to be parsed: "Mary milks the cow." Each 
 word had been parsed except the last, which 
 fell to Bob, a sixteen-year-old boy, near the 
 foot of the class, who began thus: 
 
 "Cow is a noun, feminine gender, singular 
 number, third person, and stands for Mary." 
 
 "Stands for Mary!" said the astonished 
 teacher. "And, pray, Robert, how do you make 
 that out?" 
 
 "Because," answered the hopeful pupil, "if 
 the cow didn't stand for Mary, how could 
 Mary milk the cow?" 
 
 135
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 DELIRIOUS 
 
 "Say how much do you think I had to pay 
 the milliner for my wife's last spring bonnet? 
 Thirty-six dollars and seventeen cents." 
 
 "Rather steep, isn't it? What are you going 
 to do about it?" 
 
 "Do about it? Nothing. Because, don't you 
 see, old man, I daren't say beans to it. My 
 wife has the delirium trimmins." 
 
 Mr. W. J. Lampton in the New York Times 
 thus discourses on the tender topic: 
 
 Millinerymania 
 
 Did you ever see such sights? 
 
 Such frizzly, frazzly frights 
 
 As now the lovely fair 
 
 Insist that they must wear? 
 
 And, say, 
 
 Did you ever, in your feeble way, 
 
 Attempt to calculate 
 
 What it must be to keep one on straight? 
 
 Heavens to Betsy, no slob 
 
 Could get away with such a job! 
 
 That's why no man 
 
 136
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 ^^I^VMMMM^M^^MMMMMMM^BBHBVHM^HHMIMHW 
 
 Could wear the hat a woman can 
 
 And does, and thinks 
 
 She's not at all gezinx. 
 
 Wow, 
 
 Ain't they the dowdydow? 
 
 The hats, not the women. 
 
 The Autumn Lid, 
 
 Deliriously displayed, 
 
 Has got the Merry Wid 
 
 Screaming screams for aid. 
 
 Police! Police! 
 
 Call out the cops 
 
 To save the ladies 
 
 From their tops. 
 
 Oh, woman, in your hours of ease, 
 
 Uncertain, coy and hard to please, 
 
 Who ever gave you lids like these? 
 
 Who is it has designed 
 
 Such cover for your mind? 
 
 This framework in a rag? 
 
 This millinery jag? 
 
 Who done it? Who 
 
 Should get the fearful due? 
 
 However, it's no matter 
 
 Who is the women's hatter, 
 
 137
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 They wear the goods ! 
 
 And say, 
 
 On the level, 
 
 Don't they 
 
 Look like the dickens? 
 
 Gee whiz, 
 
 Why look pazziz, 
 
 When a woman's as pretty as a woman is ? 
 
 AN ECCENTRIC GREAT MAN 
 
 The handwriting of Horace Greely, the great 
 editor, was remarkable for its illegibility. 
 Very few people could read what he wrote, 
 and sometimes it puzzled Mr. Greely himself. 
 He wrote a hurried note one day, addressed it 
 to the editor of one of the other great New 
 York papers, and sent it by a messenger boy. 
 The boy duly delivered it, but the man 
 couldn't make it out, and sent it back. When 
 the boy handed his own note to Mr. Greely, 
 he, supposing it to be a reply to his own com- 
 munication, and being unable to read it, looked 
 it over carefully and said: "Why, what does 
 the old fool mean?" "Yes," said the boy, 
 "that's just what the other man said!" 
 
 138
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 In addition to writing a poor hand Mr. 
 Greely was very absent-minded. Leaving his 
 office in a great hurry one day to go an errand 
 downtown, he wrote on a card, "Back in 20 
 minutes," pinned it on the outside of his office 
 door and rushed out. Having changed his mind, 
 he came back in five minutes and, seeing the 
 notice on the door, took a seat nearby, and 
 actually waited twenty minutes for himself to 
 come back ! 
 
 LEFT-HANDED COMPLIMENTS 
 
 A good-looking young minister was driving 
 
 to the county town of B in a buggy. On 
 
 the way he overtook a very comely young 
 woman going the same direction afoot. He 
 courteously stopped and suggested that he give 
 her a lift, an offer which she gladly accepted, 
 riding beside him several miles to her destina- 
 tion at a country farm-house. On descending 
 from the vehicle she thanked him for his kind- 
 ness, and he very politely said, "Don't mention 
 it don't mention it." And she said, "No, I 
 won't. I won't tell. I'm as much ashamed of 
 it as you are!" 
 
 139
 
 The Fxinny Bone 
 
 When he was within two miles of the town 
 he overtook a young lawyer who was returning 
 afoot from a visit to a country client, and took 
 him aboard, and the two had some sharp pas- 
 sages as they rode along. Now, it chanced 
 that a man was to be hanged for murder the 
 next day in the town, and the carpenters were 
 busy erecting the gallows in the yard of the 
 jail. When the two came to the hill which 
 
 overlooks the town of B , they could 
 
 plainly see the top of the gallows above the 
 wall of the jail. Pointing then to the jail the 
 minister said: 
 
 "If the gallows had its due, where would you 
 be?" 
 
 "I'd be riding into town alone, I reckon," 
 was the answer. 
 
 A REST AND A CHANGE 
 
 "My friend Dickinson," said the colonel, "is 
 a very witty fellow. He made a very witty re- 
 ply lately. He had been sent down to a cer- 
 tain celebrated seaside resort by his physician 
 for a rest and a change, and it was understood 
 140
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 that he was to spend at least a month there, 
 but at the end of a week he turned up again in 
 his home town, and when people asked him 
 why he had come back so soon, his reply was : 
 "Well, you see, the doctor sent me down 
 there for a rest and a change, and I went down 
 and tried it ; but by the end of a week I found 
 that the waiters at the hotel were getting all 
 the change, and the man that kept the hotel 
 got all the rest, and so I just had to come home 
 to recopperate, you know." 
 
 THE SAME OLD KIND 
 
 "When I was down there in Atlantic City," 
 said Dickinson with that delightful drawl of 
 his, "I went one day into a shoe store on 'The 
 Avenue,' as they call the business street of the 
 town, and looked around. The clerk came up 
 smiling and asked could he wait on me, and I 
 said he could if he had any 'crochetted over- 
 shoes.' That made him scratch his head. 
 'Must be a new kind,' said he. 'Oh, no,' said 
 I. 'They've been in use some years.' 'But,' 
 said he, 'I can't see what use crochet work 
 141
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 would be on overshoes. Why, the rain and 
 mud would spoil it all in a short time.' 'Oh, 
 no,' said I. 'You don't catch on. I am not 
 looking for overshoes with crochet work on 
 them, but for crochetted overshoes overshoes 
 that are crow-shade; black ones, you under- 
 stand?" 1 
 
 A TOUGH GOOSE-YARN 
 
 It is hard to tell whether the biggest liars 
 live by the sea or on the mountain, but cer- 
 tainly the sailor folk will have a time of it to 
 match one Bob Sempers, one of the most elas- 
 tic of all the prevaricators on the Pocono 
 Mountain. Here is a story Bob told a party of 
 gentlemen hunters not long ago : 
 
 "You know where I live. About three mile 
 from the Big Lake. Well one evenin' last 
 spring when I was goin' home, I see a flock o' 
 geese a-settlin' on the lake. I got up bright 
 an' early next mornin', took down my shootin' 
 iron an' started for the lake to try my luck. 
 When I got there I found they were out o' gun 
 shot, an' I knowed 'twan't no use to shoot at 
 that distance. I'd jist skeer 'em away if I did. 
 142
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 So, I stood there thinkin' what best to do. I 
 see a fox come down to the water edge and 
 stand there a minnit or so a-snuffin' the air. I'd 
 a mind to shoot him, but I thought I'd wait an' 
 see what he'd do. Well, sir, he just plumped 
 into the water an' made for them geese. They 
 were all huddled together about a half a mile 
 from the shore. After swimmin' up to within a 
 few yards of 'em, he suddenly disappeared, 
 and in a few minnits a goose was drawn under 
 water. Then the fox swum ashore an' laid the 
 dead goose on the bank, and went back fer an- 
 other snap, an' so he kep on till he got the 
 whole flock, an' I waited till he brought in the 
 last one, an' then I shot him. 
 
 "Well, sir, I found when I come to count 
 'em, that I had just fifty nice fat geese, which 
 I lugged home together with my gun an' the 
 dead fox. An' when I got home I found my 
 old woman hadn't the breakfast quite ready 
 yet." 
 
 " 'But, Bob,' said some one, 'the fox had to 
 swim a mile for each goose half a mile each 
 way consequently he had to swim just fifty 
 miles. And the geese averaged, say, six
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 pounds ; so that you had three hundred pounds 
 of goose-flesh to carry three miles, to say noth- 
 ing of the dead fox and your gun impossible !' 
 " 'Impossible or not,' maintained Bob, 
 'every word is truth, and I can prove it, too, 
 by more than a dozen of my neighbors, to each 
 of whom I sold enough feathers to fill a 
 feather-bed.' " 
 
 FIRST CLASS 
 
 A company of tourists were traveling in 
 Switzerland, and they went to buy tickets for 
 the coach-ride up the mountain. The Ameri- 
 can man of course bought a first-class ticket, 
 but he noticed that all the rest got second and 
 third class, and they all got into the wagon 
 with him. He said to the driver, "What ad- 
 vantage is there in paying for a first class 
 ticket when holders of second and third class 
 tickets have precisely the same accommoda- 
 tions?" The driver said, "You just wait a 
 while and you will see." So by and by they 
 came to a steep hill, and the driver called out, 
 "First class passengers will keep their seats; 
 144
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 second class passengers will get out and walk ; 
 third class passengers will get out and push." 
 
 They have a new brand of whiskey down in 
 Kentucky known as "The Horn of Plenty," be- 
 cause it will corn-you-copiously. 
 
 "In the Blue Grass section of Kentucky was 
 I born, where all the corn is full of kernels 
 and all the colonels full of corn." 
 
 AN AWFUL LOT OF PRACTICE 
 
 Chauncey Depew spoke one evening during 
 a political campaign at a town in the interior 
 of New York State, which it is not necessary 
 to name. The next morning the chairman of 
 the local committee took him in his carriage 
 for a ride about the place. They had reached 
 the suburbs and were admiring a bit of scenery 
 when a man wearing a blue shirt and carrying 
 a long whip on his shoulder approached from 
 where he had been piloting an ox-team along 
 the middle of the street and said : 
 
 145
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 "You're the man that made the rattlin' 
 speech up at the hall last night, I guess?" 
 
 Mr. Depew modestly admitted that he had 
 indulged in some talk at the time and place 
 specified. 
 
 "Didn't you have what you said writ out?" 
 went on the man. 
 
 "No," replied the orator. 
 
 "You don't mean to say you made that all up 
 as you went along?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "Jess hopped right up there, took a drink o* 
 water out of the pitcher, hit the table a whack 
 and waded in without no thinkin' nor noth- 
 ing?" 
 
 "Well, I suppose you might put it that 
 way." 
 
 "Well, that beats me. You'll excuse me for 
 stoppin' you, but what I wanted to say was that 
 your speech convinced me, though I knowed 
 all the time it was the peskiest lie that was 
 ever told. I made up my mind to vote your 
 ticket, but I'd 'a' been willin' to bet a peck o' 
 red apples that no man could stand up and tell 
 such blamed convincin' lies without havin' 'em 
 146
 
 The Funnu Bone 
 
 writ out. You must 'a' had an awful lot o' 
 practice." 
 
 "WHO'D 'A' BIN 'ER?" 
 
 A lady living in Ohio is the mother of six 
 boys. One day a friend called on her, and dur- 
 ing the conversation said: "What a pity that 
 one of your boys had not been a girl." One of 
 the boys, about eight years old, overheard the 
 remark, and promptly interposed, "I'd like to 
 know who'd 'a' bin 'er. Ed wouldn't 'a' bin 'er, 
 Joe wouldn't 'a' bin 'er, Pete wouldn't 'a' bin 
 'er, I wouldnt 'a' bin 'er, blame ef I would, an' 
 I'd like to know who'd 'a' bin 'er?" 
 
 "IN THE WAY THEY SHOULD GO" 
 
 Mrs. Hobbs was the parent of an infant ter- 
 ror and several half-grown terrors besides. One 
 day at table she said, "Well, Mr. Hobbs, since 
 you are so dissatisfied with the way I am 
 bringing up our darling Willie, maybe you will 
 condescend to inform me how you would 
 bring up boys?" 
 
 "Certainly," said Hobbs. "Every boy ought 
 
 147
 
 The F\mng Bone 
 
 to be kept in a hogshead, and fed through the 
 bung-hole until he is twelve years of age." 
 
 "And when he reaches the age of twelve?" 
 
 "Stop up the bung-hole." 
 
 "NO THOROUGHFARE" 
 
 A toll-gate was recently established on a 
 road leading to Little Rock, Ark.; and an old 
 negro who came along with an ox-team was 
 much astonished. "Wall, ef dis doan cap de 
 climax," said he. "Ain satisfied wid chargin' 
 folks fur ridin' on de train and steamboat, but 
 wanster to charge him fur ridin' in his own 
 waggin!" "That's the law of the corporation, 
 old man." "Wat's de corporation got to do wid 
 my waggin?" "Got nothing to do with your 
 wagon, but they have a right to make you pay 
 for riding over their road." "Ain dis er a free 
 country?" "Yes. But this is not a free road." 
 "But de road's in the country. What does yer 
 law say yer may charge?" "One horse, five 
 cents; a horse and buggy, ten cents; two 
 horses and a wagon, twenty cents." "Well, 
 dese here ain't horses, 'case da's steers. De 
 148
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 law doan say nuthin* about dem. Whoa, dar! 
 Come 'ere!" And to the astonishment of the 
 gate-keeper, the old fellow drove away. 
 
 THE OTHER EYE 
 
 Standing outside his club one afternoon Mr. 
 Gilbert was approached by a stranger who 
 asked, "I beg pardon, sir, but do you happen 
 to know a gentleman, a member of this club, 
 a man with one eye called 'Matthews'? "No, 
 I don't think I do," replied Mr. Gilbert. Then 
 after a pause he quickly added, "What's the 
 name of his other eye?" 
 
 KEEPING A SECRET 
 
 The Confederate general, Stonewall Jack- 
 son, had been on one occasion most hospitably 
 entertained in the house and by the family of 
 an old Virginia friend. It was known at the 
 time that some very important movement of 
 the Confederate army was afoot, and just as 
 the great general was about to take his depar- 
 ture from the house in which he had been so 
 royally received, the host, eager with curiosity 
 149
 
 The F\mng Bone 
 
 and presuming on old friendship, took the gen- 
 eral aside, and begged him for some informa- 
 tion as to the coming demonstrations. Passing 
 his arm affectionately around his old friend 
 General Jackson said in a whisper, "My dear 
 friend, can you keep a secret?" "Yes yes!" 
 was the eager reply. "And so can I," was the 
 response, as the general mounted his horse. 
 
 A SHARP REPROOF 
 
 A preacher was much annoyed by the whis- 
 pering and laughing of some young folks in 
 the rear of the church. Stopping in the midst 
 of his discourse and looking intently at them 
 until all had become still, he said: 
 
 "I hesitate to reprove those who are inat- 
 tentive and noisy. I will tell you why. Some 
 years since, as I was preaching, a young man 
 sat before me who was constantly laughing 
 and making queer faces. It annoyed me very 
 much, and I gave him a very severe rebuke. 
 After the close of the services a gentleman 
 said to one, 'Sir, you made a great mistake; 
 that young man is an idiot.' Since that time 
 150
 
 The Fvmng Bone 
 
 I always hesitate to reprove those who mis- 
 behave in church, lest I should again find my- 
 self in the error of rebuking an idiot." There 
 was order during the rest of the service. 
 
 IT WOULDN'T WORK 
 
 Lazily sauntering along on the gay board- 
 walk, enjoying the stiff salt breeze and paying 
 due attention to the merry throng always 
 passing up and down, my attention was called 
 to a certain rolling chair whose occupant I 
 thought I knew. Wasn't that Barney Schmitt? 
 Barney, you must know, keeps one of the very 
 best cafes in existence, up in one of the most 
 flourishing towns in Eastern Pennsylvania. I 
 knew he had been suffering greatly from rheu- 
 matism for a year past, but had lost track of 
 him recently and supposed him to be in the 
 doctor's hands at some Water Cure up in New 
 York State and here he was, fat and puffy, 
 all covered up with a big steamer rug in a roll- 
 ing chair. I stopped the chair and said, "Hello, 
 Barney, that you?" 
 
 "Yes," said he, "diss iss me. I vish to Him- 
 mel it wass somepody else." 
 151
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 "Well, how are you? Better I hope?" 
 
 Barney shook his head with a rueful 
 countenance. "No, I'm no petter I've tried 
 everything in all greation from a lemon to 
 Gristian Ziance, undt it all does no good." 
 
 "Christian Science? So you tried that, did 
 you? How did it work?" 
 
 "Let me tell you," said the suffering Barney 
 with a smile that might have been mistaken 
 for a wince. "You know I went up to der 
 Wasser-Cure, up dere in New York. I had 
 plasters undt pads all ofer my pody, undt 
 walked mit a pair of grutches. De first even- 
 ing I got dere, I wass settin' in der parlor 
 tryin' hard to keep from hollerin' mit der pain, 
 undt a woman come up to me one of dese 
 here Gristian Ziance women, you know, a 
 mighty purty, sweet-faced woman she wass, 
 too undt she says to me, says she: 
 
 " 'Vat iss der matter mit you, Mr. Schmitt?' 
 Undt I toldt her apoudt my rheumatism, undt 
 den she says : 
 
 " 'Mr. Schmitt, dere iss nodings der matter 
 mit you. You only think dere iss. It iss all 
 in your mindt. It issn't in your pody. Your 
 
 152
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 pody can't feel noding. It iss your mindt vat 
 feels. Your rheumatism iss all in your mindt. 
 All you have got to do iss to get your 
 mindt changed, you see, undt you vill be all 
 right. 
 
 " 'Now, Mr. Schmitt, I tell you vat to do 
 undt you vill soon be veil. Ven you go to bed 
 to-night, you make your mindt nice undt quiet 
 like, fill your heart full mit good thoughts of 
 peace undt joy; say a nice little prayer, undt 
 go to sleep. Den, in de morning, ven you get 
 avake, you compose your mindt mit peaceful 
 thoughts, you say a nice little prayer to your- 
 self, and you yusht say: "Mr. Schmitt! Dere 
 iss nodings der matter mit you you are veil 
 undt shtrong !" Undt you jump out of de bed, 
 undt dere you are !' " 
 
 "All right. I did all vat she said. I vent to 
 bed. I said a nice leetle prayer, vat my mud- 
 der taught me, in der German language, undt 
 I vent to sleep. 
 
 "In der morning I get awake. I haf very 
 peaceful undt peautiful thoughts, undt I say to 
 myself : 
 
 " 'Barney Schmitt, you are a tarn fool. Dere 
 
 153
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 iss nodings der matter mit you. You are all 
 right.' 
 
 "Undt mit dot, I just jump out in der mittle 
 of der floor, undt lit on my pack mit a mighty 
 doonder-knock vat shook der vinders. I fell 
 all in a heap, undt mine Himmel ! didn't I hol- 
 ler! Der bell poy, der hotel clerk, der doctor 
 undt two nurses coom on der double quick, pick 
 me up undt put me in der bed. Undt dere I 
 vas for two weeks, all right. Dat's vat I know 
 about Gristian Ziance. Undt now here I am 
 in Atlantic City in a rollin' chair. Pray for me, 
 colonel, for my prayers doesn't seem to do me 
 much goot !" 
 
 ON THE POINT OF A NEEDLE 
 
 The late Dr. Talmage was once in the com- 
 pany of some theological students. They were 
 fresh from the study of church history, and 
 were laughing over the old question so much 
 discussed by the schoolmen in the Middle 
 Ages, "How many angels can stand on, or be 
 supported by, the point of a needle?" 
 
 They put the question to Dr. Talmage, 
 
 154
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 "How many angels can be supported by the 
 point of a needle?" and Dr. Talmage promptly 
 answered, "Five." When they wanted to know 
 how he knew, he told them the following 
 story : 
 
 "One very stormy night I was coming home 
 late, and noticed a light in the window of a 
 room where I knew a poor woman lived whose 
 husband was lost at sea. I wondered what kept 
 her up so late and I thought I would go and see. 
 I found her hard at work sewing at her lamp, 
 while her five rosy children were sound asleep 
 beside her. And that is how I happen to know 
 that five angels can be supported by the point 
 of a needle." 
 
 GETTING A WIFE 
 
 The family had returned from church one 
 Sunday, and as they had company to dinner, 
 and dinner was a little later than usual, the 
 six-year-old Robert was very hungry and could 
 hardly wait any longer. He had been very 
 much interested in the sermon, which was a 
 very graphic account of the creation of woman. 
 
 155
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 He had listened wide-eyed while the minister 
 told how God had put Adam to sleep and had 
 taken a rib out of his side and made it into a 
 wife for the lonely man. But just now he was 
 more interested in the dinner, especially in its 
 conclusion, mince pie and cakes. 
 
 An hour later he was missed from the com- 
 pany, and being searched for was found sitting 
 in a corner of another room, groaning softly, 
 with his hands pressed against his side and 
 an air of solemn anxiety on his face. 
 
 "Why, Robert, what in the world is the mat- 
 ter?" asked his mother in alarm. 
 
 "Mamma, dear," said he, "I'm afraid I'm get- 
 ting a wife." 
 
 THE SANCTUM 
 
 He opened the door cautiously, and poking 
 his head in, in a suggestive sort of way, as if 
 there might be more to follow later on pro- 
 vided the way was clear, inquired, "Is this the 
 editorial rinktum?" "The what, my friend?" 
 "Is this the rinktum, sinktum, or some such 
 place, where the editors live?" "Yes, sir. 
 
 156
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 This is the editorial room. Come right in." 
 "No, I guess I won't come in. Just wanted to 
 see what a rinktum was like, that's all. Looks 
 like our garret, only wuss. Good day!" 
 
 It is related that two Presbyterians, two 
 Baptists, two Universalists and an active Jew 
 recently met and discussed theology together 
 without quarreling in Boston. The reason 
 they did not quarrel in Boston was because 
 they were in New York. 
 
 Going home from a party late one night a 
 man ran against the same tree seventeen times. 
 He then concluded that he was lost in an in- 
 terminable forest, and began to call out, "A 
 lost man ! A lost man !" But nobody respond- 
 ing to his pitiful call, he made one more effort 
 to escape, and had the luck to run into the next 
 tree, which chanced to be surrounded by iron 
 rods for its protection. He caught hold of the 
 rods and felt them. He walked round and 
 round the tree trying in vain to find some 
 opening to pass through, and at last gave it 
 
 157
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 up in despair, saying, "Just my luck. In the 
 lock-up again." 
 
 A negro prayed that his brethren might be 
 preserved from their "upsettin' sins." "Brud- 
 der," said one of his friends, "you hain't got de 
 hang o' dat ar word. It's be-settin', not up- 
 settin'." "Brudder," replied the other, "if dat's 
 so, den it's so. But I was prayin' de Lawd 
 to save us from de sin o' 'toxication, for dar 
 dey jest set-em-up fust and den dey gits upset, 
 an' if dat ain't an upsettin' sin, I dunno what 
 am." 
 
 There are very few men who can handle a 
 red-hot lamp-chimney and at the same time 
 say, "There is no place like Home," without 
 getting confused. 
 
 That was a truly human tombstone that 
 bore the inscription, "I expected this, but not 
 just yet." 
 
 A youth was heard to remark to a jolly, fat 
 158
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 Teutonian, "Haven't I seen you before? Your 
 face certainly looks familiar?" "Iss dot so?" 
 answered Hans. "An' ven you get so oldt as 
 me, your face vill look fermiliar, too." 
 
 A young lady complained to her male com- 
 panion that she didn't like arithmetic. She 
 couldn't understand it, and didn't see the use 
 of it. The young man said he would teach her. 
 "Now," said he, "I kiss you three times on one 
 cheek and four times on the other. How many 
 does that make?" 
 
 "Seven," whispered the girl, disengaging 
 herself to breathe more freely. 
 
 "Well," said he, "that is Arithmetic." 
 
 "Dear me," said she, "I did not think it ever 
 could be made such a very pleasant study." 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD AT THE THEATRE 
 
 Artemus Ward records that he once went to 
 the theatre, "Niblo's Garding," New York, to 
 hear Edwin Forrest in Othello. "I sot down 
 in the Pit," says he, "took out my spectacles 
 & commenced peroosin' the evenin's bill. 
 
 159
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 The awjince was all-fired large & the Boxes 
 was full of the Elitty of New York. Several 
 opery glasses was leveld at me by Gothum's 
 fairest darters, but I didn't let on as tho I no- 
 ticed it, tho mebby I did take out my sixteen- 
 dollar silver watch & brandish it round more 
 than was necessary. But, the best of us has 
 our weaknesses, & if a man has gewelry, let 
 him show it. 
 
 "As I was peroosin' the bill, a grave young 
 man who sot near me axed me if I'd ever seen 
 Forrest dance 'The Essence of Old Virginny? 
 He's immense in that,' said the young man. 'He 
 also does a fair champion jig,' the young man 
 continued, 'but his Big Thing is the Essence of 
 Old Virginny.' 
 
 "Sez I 'Fair youth, do you know what I'd 
 do with you, if you was my sun?' 
 
 " 'No,' sez he. 
 
 " 'Wall,' sez I, 'if you was my sun, I'd ap- 
 pint your funeral for to-morrow arternoon, at 
 two o'clock and the Korps would be reddy. 
 You're too smart to live on this here yearth.' 
 That youth didn't try any more of his dog- 
 gone capers on me." 
 
 160
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 "Teacher," said a boy in a New York City 
 school, "my sister's got the measles." "Well, 
 then, my boy, you go home and you stay 
 home till your sister has entirely got over 
 them." After the boy was gone, another boy 
 raised his hand and said, "Teacher, that boy's 
 sister what's got the measles lives in Omaha !" 
 
 SHE CAME TO HIS AID 
 
 The late Horace Leland, who for many years 
 kept the Leland Hotel at Springfield, 111., was 
 an exceedingly generous man and an especial 
 lover of children. One day he and Judge A. C. 
 Matthews, then Speaker of the Illinois House 
 of Representatives, and afterward the First 
 Controller of the Treasury, were walking out 
 together when they met a man with a cluster 
 of toy balloons. School was just out and hun- 
 dreds of boys and girls came pouring from a 
 building near at hand and formed in groups 
 around the balloon man. 
 
 "Hold on, Ace," said Mr. Leland, "there's a 
 joyous sight," and the two stopped and 
 watched the children gaze longingly at the bal- 
 loons. 
 
 161
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 "I can make some of them happy, anyway," 
 said Mr. Leland, and he asked the man the 
 price of the balloons. 
 
 "Fi' cent apiece." 
 
 "How much for the lot?" asked the philan- 
 thropist. 
 
 The man counted them over. There were 
 twenty-one. 
 
 "One dol' for de lot." 
 
 Mr. Leland took them all and distributed 
 them among the children with as much fair- 
 ness as possible, and away the little codgers 
 ran with them. 
 
 Then Mr. Leland put his hand in his pocket 
 and said: 
 
 "By George, Ace, I ain't got a cent. Lend 
 me a dollar." 
 
 "Oh, no," said Judge Matthews, seriously; 
 "you can't play philanthropist at my expense. 
 Not much." 
 
 "Well, my man," said Mr. Leland, "I guess 
 you'll have to call at my hotel for your 
 money." 
 
 "No, sir," said the man, "you give me my 
 money or you give me back my balloons." 
 162
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 "But don't you see I can do neither? Come 
 to the Leland House and ask for Mr. Leland, 
 and I will pay you." 
 
 "No, sir," persisted the man, "you pay me 
 my money or give me back my balloons. I baf 
 seen dat hotel trick before." 
 
 "Come, Ace," said Mr. Leland, from the 
 depth of his troubled soul, "give me a dollar." 
 
 "Not a cent," said the Judge. "I wouldn't 
 trust you with a dime." 
 
 "See," said the man, "your own friend no 
 will trust you. You give me my money or I 
 will call de policeman." 
 
 Just then there happened along an old beg- 
 gar woman who had lived upon the bounty of 
 the good people of Springfield for many a year. 
 She stopped and heard enough of the conversa- 
 tion to know what it was about. 
 
 "Hould on, Misther Layland," said she, "if 
 yer foine frind there won't lave ye the loan av 
 a dollar, begorra O'im the frind that will," and 
 as she lectured Judge Matthews for the "stingi- 
 est ould thing out o' jail," she unrolled the 
 money from a dirty rag and gave it to the 
 philanthropist. 
 
 163
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 Judge Matthews says he never tried to play 
 just that kind of a joke on Horace Leland 
 again. 
 
 A COSTLY DODGE 
 
 The town of M in Pennsylvania had just 
 
 elected a new Justice of the Peace. He was, of 
 course, a Pennsylvania German, and the first 
 cause that came before him for adjudication 
 was a peculiar one. A man had attempted to 
 shoot another man in the street of the business 
 part of the town, but the man that was shot at 
 dodged, and the bullet smashed a plate-glass 
 window in a store. The owner of the store 
 sued the man with the gun for damages, but 
 the Justice, after hearing the evidence, decided 
 that the man that was shot at and dodged the 
 bullet must pay, "because," said he, "don't you 
 see, if that man hadn't dodged, the window 
 wouldn't have been broken." 
 
 COULDN'T HELP CRYING 
 
 Two Irishmen who had just landed were 
 eating their dinner in a hotel, when Pat spied 
 164
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what 
 it was he took a mouthful, which brought tears 
 to his eyes. 
 
 Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed, "Phat 
 be ye cryin' fer?" 
 
 Pat, wishing to have Mike sample the hot- 
 stuff also, replied, "Oim cryin' fer me poor 
 ould mither who's dead away over in ould Ire- 
 land." 
 
 By and by Mike took some of the radish, and 
 immediately tears filled his eyes. "An' phat be 
 you cryin' fer, now?" queried Pat. "Ach," says 
 Mike, "I'm cryin' because you didn't die at the 
 same time your ould mither did in ould Ire- 
 land." 
 
 A KNIGHT ERRANT 
 
 He was a very decided English type, and as 
 he stopped an Irishman and asked for a light 
 he volunteered to say : 
 
 "Excuse me, my man, for stopping you as an 
 entire stranger. But at home I'm a person of 
 
 some importance. I'm Sir James B , 
 
 Knight of the Garter, Knight of the Double 
 Eagle, Knight of the Golden Fleece, Knight of
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 the Iron Cross. And your name is what, my 
 man?" 
 
 "My name," was the ready reply, "is Michael 
 Murphy. Night before last, last night, to- 
 night an' every night, Michael Murphy." 
 
 THACKERAY AND THE OYSTER 
 
 When Thackeray, the great English novel- 
 ist, visited this country, his literary friends in 
 Boston gave a banquet in his honor. The com- 
 mittee of arrangements, learning that Mr. 
 Thackeray had made some comments on the 
 general tendency of Americans to magnify 
 things, thought they would give their distin- 
 guished guest a demonstration of the great- 
 ness of the American oyster, at least, the more 
 so as the oyster does not attain a great size in 
 the British Isles. They accordingly ransacked 
 the market for the very largest bivalves that 
 could be found, and a half dozen of these were 
 placed at Thackeray's plate. The gentleman 
 next to him apologized for the small size of the 
 oysters, but Thackeray looked at them in 
 amazement, and asked, "What am I to do with 
 166
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 them?" "Swallow them, of course," was the 
 answer. "Well," said he, taking a huge one 
 on his fork, "here goes." He gave a gulp and 
 down it went. "How do you feel on it?" asked 
 his friend. "Feel?" said he "I feel as if I had 
 swallowed a baby !" 
 
 A FAST TRAIN 
 
 Three men were talking in rather a large 
 way of the excellent train-service each had in 
 his special locality. One was from the West, 
 one from New England and one from New 
 York. The former two men had told their 
 tales, and it was New York's turn. 
 
 "Now in New York," said he, "we not only 
 run trains fast, but we start them fast, too, 
 very fast. I recall the case of a friend of mine 
 whose wife went to the station at Jersey City 
 to see him off for the West. As the train was 
 about to start, my friend said his final good- 
 by to his wife and leaned down from the car- 
 platform to kiss her. The train started, and 
 started with such a rush that, would you be- 
 lieve it, my friend found himself kissing a 
 strange woman on the platform at Trenton!" 
 167
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 At a dinner one day some gentlemen were 
 discussing the merits of different species of 
 game. One preferred canvasback duck, an- 
 other woodcock, another quail. The dinner 
 and the discussion ended, one of the men said 
 to the waiter, who was a good listener, "Well, 
 Frank, what kind of game do you like best?" 
 
 "Well, gemmen, to tell you de trufe," said 
 he, " 'mos any kind o* game '11 suit me, but 
 what I likes best is an American Eagle served 
 on a silvah dollah !" 
 
 A SLOW COACH 
 
 In the early days of railroading in this 
 country, an elderly gentleman was asked by 
 the conductor for his ticket. The train had 
 stopped at every little station, town and hamlet 
 on the way, and was two hours late. "Your 
 ticket, please," said the conductor. The man 
 fumbled a great while in his vest pocket and 
 finally presented a half-fare cardboard. 
 
 "Come," said the conductor, "this won't do, 
 not for a man with hair as gray as yours, any 
 way this is a child's ticket." 
 
 "Well," responded the weary traveller, "I 
 
 1 68
 
 The Fuizng Bone 
 
 was a child when this train started, and I guess 
 I'll be as old as Methusaleh by the time it gets 
 me to where I want to go." 
 
 GO TO FATHER 
 
 A schoolboy one day picked up a piece of 
 poetry at school and carried it home and gave 
 it to his grandmother to read. When she had 
 read it she said : 
 
 "Kit, you ought never repeat that, because 
 that is just the same as telling people to go to 
 the bad place." The poetry was as follows: 
 "When I asked my girl to marry me, she said, 
 
 'Go to father.' 
 
 She knew that I knew her father was dead; 
 She knew that I knew what a life he had led ; 
 She knew that I knew what she meant when 
 she said, 
 
 'Go to father.' " 
 
 The chaplain of a large private asylum asked 
 
 a brother clergyman to preach to the inmates 
 
 on a Sunday during his absence. Before going 
 
 away, he said : "Preach your best, for, though 
 
 169
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 insane on some points, they are very intelli- 
 gent." So he talked to them of India, and of 
 heathen mothers who threw their dear little 
 babies into the sacred river Ganges as offerings 
 to their false gods. Tears streamed down the 
 face of one listener, evidently deeply affected. 
 When asked by the preacher afterward what 
 part of the sermon had touched his heart with 
 grief, the lunatic replied: "I was thinking it 
 was a pity your mother didn't throw you into 
 the Ganges." 
 
 INTERESTING EPITAPHS 
 
 The poet of the Pine Tree State is said to 
 have shown decided poetic proclivities from 
 his earliest days. When a boy of eight or nine, 
 he had two kittens which he had named Myrtle 
 and Ann Eliza. Myrtle died. He buried her 
 in the orchard and planted a shingle headstone 
 on the grave, on which his smiling parents 
 read: 
 
 "Here Myrtle lies- 
 Gone to fertilize." 
 
 In a short time Ann Eliza passed from this 
 170
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 earthly scene of caterwauling, and was buried 
 beside Myrtle, with a shingle headstone duly 
 erected and inscribed. His parents, wondering 
 what would be the epitaph, were delighted to 
 read: 
 
 "Here lies Ann Eliza 
 More fertilizer." 
 
 SHE SPOILED THE POETRY 
 
 Two lovers were taking a walk along a 
 country road. The day was fine, the sun was 
 shining and a good breeze was blowing across 
 the hills and fields. The young man was of 
 an idealistic temperament and of good poetic 
 taste, but the young lady was quite matter-of- 
 fact and altogether practical, their differing 
 dispositions being illustrated by their conver- 
 sation by the way. They had paused in their 
 walk and sat down to rest a while under the 
 outspreading branches of an apple-tree laden 
 with green fruit. 
 
 "Ah, my dear," said he as he looked around, 
 "how grand and glorious all this is the bright 
 day, the glorious sunlight, the wind blowing 
 171
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 fresh and full, and the limbs of this grand old 
 tree moaning a sweet and tuneful melody in 
 
 response to it all " 
 
 "Yes," interrupted she, "I guess you'd be 
 groaning, too, if you were as full of green 
 apples as that old apple-tree is!" 
 
 HIS PART IN THE PLAY 
 
 A man who had been playing the part of 
 the Lamb in the Great Wall Street Theatre, 
 was complaining that he had invested a large 
 sum of money in that institution and had lost 
 every cent of it. A sympathizing friend asked 
 him whether he had been a Bull or a Bear, and 
 the Lamb replied, "Neither. I was a Jackass !" 
 
 A CLERICAL CORKSCREW 
 
 The minister was a very genial man and a 
 very witty man. He had great difficulty in 
 getting his salary promptly. Of late it was 
 much in arrears, and he did not know what to 
 do. One day he entered the hardware store 
 kept by his leading deacon, and asked to look 
 172
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 at corkscrews. He looked over the assortment 
 very carefully, saying that he wanted quite a 
 large one, one that was very strong, too. And 
 when the deacon asked him what he wanted 
 with a corkscrew, the minister replied, "I want 
 it to draw my salary with." He got it 
 
 A negro exhorter shouted to his audience, 
 "Come up an' jine de army ob de Lord!" 
 
 "I'se done jined," replied one woman. 
 
 "Whar'd yo' jine?" asked the exhorter. 
 
 "In de Baptis' Church." 
 
 "Why, chile," said the exhorter, "yo' ain't in 
 de army ob de Lord; yo's in de navy." 
 
 THE CHIEF END OF MAN 
 
 When Dr. Theodore L. Cuyler once put the 
 question, "What is the chief end of man?" to 
 a gathering of Sunday-school scholars, he re- 
 ceived for an answer, "To glorify God and 
 annoy Him forever." Another minister relates 
 that he once asked this famous question of a 
 very much neglected boy, "What is the chief 
 end of man?" and the boy promptly replied, 
 "Why, I guess the end that has the hat on !" 
 
 173
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 AFTERNOON TEAS 
 
 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes was once invited 
 by a lady friend to a social afternoon tea. The 
 hostess had invited and had present the cream 
 of her acquaintance and expected some expres- 
 sion of admiration from the great man. As he 
 was taking his leave, the lady said to him, 
 "Well, Doctor, what is your opinion of an 
 afternoon tea?" And the witty but cruel man 
 replied, "My dear friend, it is all giggle 
 gabble gobble and git !" 
 
 UNANIMOUS ACTION 
 
 Davies Herkimer, the noted political econo- 
 mist, said of modern politics in an address on 
 reform that he recently delivered: 
 
 "Modern politics are entirely too tricky. The 
 average candidate when he enters the political 
 struggle lets plain dealing go by the board. 
 What, then, is the result? The result is some- 
 thing altogether worthless, something that re- 
 minds me of a Western clergyman. 
 
 "This clergyman was very fond of cider. His 
 
 174
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 congregation, meeting secretly last autumn, de- 
 cided that it would surprise him with a hogs- 
 head of the beverage he loved and arranged to 
 hold a surprise party at the manse, each guest 
 to bring a demijohn of cider and to empty it 
 into a huge hogshead in the garden. The party 
 duly came off. The guests brought their demi- 
 johns, emptied them into the hogshead and 
 feasted afterward in the manse on apples, nuts 
 and gingerbread. 
 
 "At the height of the feasting the clergy- 
 man host was told of the full hogshead that 
 stood without the door, and, overjoyed, the 
 good man said to his servant: 
 
 " 'Jane, take a pitcher, fill it at the hogshead, 
 and bring it in that we may sample it.' 
 
 "The maid withdrew into the darkness and 
 soon returned with a pitcher brimming with 
 clear water! 
 
 "Each tricky guest had filled his demijohn 
 at the pump, thinking that amid so much cider 
 his aqueous contribution would escape un- 
 noticed. But this trickery, like the trickery of 
 modern politics, had been a little too unani- 
 mous." 
 
 175
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 A DIFFERENCE WITHOUT A DIS- 
 TINCTION 
 
 It was a Pennsylvania German farmer's wife 
 who having baked a large number of very fine 
 pies, some mince and some apple, marked the 
 crust of each with two letters T. M. Being 
 asked by a neighbor what these letters stood 
 for, she said: 
 
 "Vy, T. M. on this pie means "Tis mince,' 
 and on that pie it means ' Tain't mince." 
 
 THE SHY BOARDER 
 
 If landladies served flying-fish, 
 
 I believe, by jing, 
 That every time they passed the dish 
 
 I'd get a wing. 
 
 A KNIGHTLY CONUNDRUM 
 
 Query A Knight to Jerusalem did repair : 
 
 And had the colic, when? and where? 
 Answer In the middle of the Knight. 
 
 176
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 A SHREWD SELECTION 
 
 A lawyer advertised for a clerk. The next 
 morning the office was crowded with appli- 
 cants all bright and many suitable. He bade 
 them wait until all should arrive and then ar- 
 ranged them all in a row and said he would tell 
 them a story, note their comments and judge 
 from that whom he would choose. 
 
 "A certain farmer," began the lawyer, "was 
 troubled with a red squirrel that got in through 
 a hole in his barn and stole his seed corn. He 
 resolved to kill the squirrel at the first oppor- 
 tunity. Seeing him go in at the hole one noon 
 he took his shotgun and fired away. The first 
 shot set the barn on fire." 
 
 "Did the barn burn?" said one of the boys. 
 
 The lawyer, without answer, continued: 
 
 "And seeing the barn on fire the farmer 
 seized a pail of water and ran to put it out." 
 
 "Did he put it out?" said another. 
 
 "As he passed inside the door shut to and 
 the barn was soon in flames. When the hired 
 girl rushed out with more water " 
 
 "Did they all burn up?" said another boy. 
 177
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 The lawyer went on without answer : "Then 
 the old lady came out, and all was noise and 
 confusion and everybody was trying to put out 
 the fire." 
 
 "Did any one burn up?" said another. 
 
 The lawyer said: "There, that will do; you 
 have all shown great interest in the story." 
 
 But observing one little bright-eyed fellow 
 in deep silence, he said: "Now, my little man, 
 what have you to say?" 
 
 The little fellow blushed, grew uneasy and 
 stammered out: "I want to know what be- 
 came of that squirrel; that's what I want to 
 know." 
 
 "You'll do," said the lawyer; "you are my 
 man ; you have not been switched off by a con- 
 fusion and barn burning, and the hired girls 
 and water pails. You have kept your eye on 
 the squirrel." 
 
 A GOOD EAR 
 
 "Charley," remarked Jones, "you were born 
 to be a writer." "Ha !" replied Charley, flush- 
 ing at the compliment, "you have seen some 
 of the things I have turned off?" "No," said 
 178
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 Jones, "I wasn't referring to what you have 
 written. I was simply thinking what a splen- 
 did ear you have for carrying a pen. Immense, 
 Charley, simply immense!" 
 
 When some one was complaining of insom- 
 nia, an Irishman recommended a sure cure for 
 it. "Go to bed," said he, "an' schlape it off!" 
 
 Said an Englishman to an American tourist, 
 as he drew out of his pocket an old English 
 silver coin, "Do you see the image on that 
 coin? That's the picture of the old English 
 king that made my great grandfather a Duke." 
 
 "Pooh!" said the Yankee. "That's nothin'. 
 Here, do you see this United States coin? We 
 call it a cent. And you will observe the pic- 
 ture of an Indian on the cent. Well, sir, that's 
 the picture of the Indian that made my grand- 
 father an Angel!" 
 
 THE RIGHT-OF-WAY 
 
 In driving out into the country on a by-road 
 a few days ago, a lawyer encountered a horse 
 and buggy driven by a woman. As she was 
 179
 
 The F\mny Bone 
 
 driving on the wrong side of the road, he made 
 up his mind not to give up his rights. As a 
 consequence, the two horses finally came to a 
 standstill, with their noses rubbing each other. 
 The lawyer stared at the woman and the 
 woman stared back. Then he pulled a news- 
 paper from his pocket, and began reading. In 
 a minute, she had her knitting out and was in- 
 dustriously at work. Ten long minutes in a 
 broiling sun passed away, and the lawyer 
 looked up and asked: "How long are you go- 
 ing to stay here?" "How long are you?" "All 
 day." "And I'll stay here a whole week." He 
 read and she knit for about ten minutes, and 
 then the lawyer cried out : "Do you know that 
 I'm a lawyer?" "I don't care for that," she re- 
 plied ; "I'm the wife of a Justice of the Peace." 
 "Oh ah excuse me, madam. Really, but if 
 I'd known you belonged to the purfesh, this 
 would not have happened. Take this side, 
 madam, take the whole road!" 
 
 THE DEACON BALKED 
 
 Deacon Broadbent, an honest and pious man, 
 was conducting a Christmas revival with great 
 1 80
 
 The Fvmng Bone 
 
 success. In a word, his powerful exhortations 
 had brought Calhoun White, the town's worst 
 sinner, weeping to the mourner's bench. 
 
 The deacon, gratified by this proof of his 
 evangelical prowess, hastened to Calhoun's 
 side. 
 
 "Deacon," sobbed Calhoun, " 'tain't no use 
 in mah comin' up. I'se sinned away de day o' 
 grace." 
 
 "No, you hain't, brudder Cal," said the dea- 
 con. "All yo' got to do is to gib up sin an' all 
 will be forgibben." 
 
 "I'se done gib it up, deacon, but dar hain't 
 no salvation fo' me." 
 
 "Yes, dey is, honey. Dey hain't no sin so 
 black but it kin be washed whiter'n de snow." 
 
 "But I don stole fo' young turkeys last 
 week," said the penitent. 
 
 "Dat's all forgibben, Cal." 
 
 "An' free de week befo'." 
 
 "Dat's forgibben, too." 
 
 "An' six fat Christmas geese " 
 
 " six fat Christmas geese outer yore own 
 
 yard, deacon dem fat geese wot yo' 'lowed to 
 set so much store by." 
 181
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 "Wot's dat yo' say?" the deacon hissed furi- 
 ously. 
 
 "It wuz me wot stole yo' Christmas geese, 
 sah." 
 
 "I reckon, Calhoun," he said slowly, "I 
 reckon I'se spoke too hasty. Dis case o' yourn 
 needs advisement I ain't sho' dat we's justi- 
 fied in clutterin' up de Kingdom o' Heben wid 
 chicken thieves." 
 
 PROTECTING THE MINISTER 
 
 One day a village parson was summoned in 
 haste by Mrs. Johnson, who had been taken 
 seriously ill. He went in some wonder at the 
 summons, because the woman was not of his 
 parish, and was known to be devoted to her 
 own minister, the Rev. Mr. Hopkins. 
 
 While he was waiting in the parlor before 
 seeing the sick woman, he passed the time 
 talking with her daughter. 
 
 "I am very pleased your mother thought of 
 me in her illness," he said. "Is Mr. Hopkins 
 away?" 
 
 "Oh, dear no," she replied, "but we are 
 
 182
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 afraid mother has something contagious, like 
 small-pox, and we couldn't think of letting dear 
 Mr. Hopkins run any risk!" 
 
 "If yu trade horses with a jockey, you kan't 
 git cheated but once. But if yu trade with 
 a deakon yu may git cheated twice once in 
 the horse, and once in the deakon" . . . "Go 
 in when it rains." 
 
 Josh ^Billings 
 
 "Now, my man," said the minister to the 
 happy bridegroom after the marriage cere- 
 mony, "you have come to the end of all your 
 troubles." The man came back to the minister 
 a week later and said: "You told me I had 
 come to the end of all my troubles when I got 
 married, and I find they are just beginning." 
 "Ah, my dear brother," was the response, "all 
 troubles have two ends, and I didn't say which 
 end, did I?" 
 
 WALLA WALLA! 
 
 It is related that once upon a time the Presi- 
 dent paid an important visit to an Indian res- 
 
 183
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 ervation in the Far and Distant West. In 
 honor of the great occasion the great chiefs of 
 the tribe were all gathered together, arrayed 
 in their best bib and tucker, all war-paint 
 and feathers, and sat cross-legged in a great 
 circle listening to the words of wisdom from 
 the Great Father. 
 
 "Noble Red Men of the Forest," began the 
 President, "Primeval and Original Proprietors 
 of the Soil of the Land of the Free and the 
 Home of the Brave! I am delighted to see 
 you!" 
 
 And all the Indians round the circle ex- 
 claimed: "Walla Walla!" This evidently being 
 Indian for "Hear! Hear!" 
 
 "You have indeed been greatly wronged," 
 continued the speaker, "and I take your wrongs 
 to my own heart, and I shall take immediate 
 measures for their redress, and shall demand 
 that hereafter justice shall be done to the noble 
 Red Men, the Original Proprietors of the Free 
 Soil of America." 
 
 And the Indians again shouted approval, 
 "Walla Walla!" 
 
 "Aye," he continued, "on my return to 
 
 184
 
 The Funny Bone 
 
 Washington I shall personally see to it that 
 your wrongs are righted, and shall direct that 
 the Indian Appropriation be greatly increased, 
 so that you may spend your lives in comfort 
 and plenty." 
 
 Again in deep and guttural tones the Indians 
 applauded, "Walla Walla!" 
 
 After it was all over, the President ex- 
 pressed his delight at the hearty interest and 
 evident appreciation of his warlike auditors, 
 being particularly impressed with the fact that 
 they had so well understood his remarks, as 
 was sufficiently manifest by the fact that they 
 applauded every time just at the right place. 
 And then the Interpreter asked him whether 
 he knew what Walla Walla meant? And he 
 not knowing the meaning thereof, the cruel In- 
 terpreter disillusioned him by telling him that 
 Walla Walla was Indian for "Hot Air!" 
 
 THE WICKED PARROT 
 
 A gentleman who spent part of a summer 
 recently in England relates an incident which 
 very sadly disturbed the religious peace of a 
 parish in Penzance. 
 
 185
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 A gentleman, his wife and his mother-in- 
 law lived together. They had a parrot. And 
 the parrot had somehow and somewhere they 
 could not imagine how or where picked up 
 the very disagreeable habit of remarking at 
 frequent intervals: 
 
 "Wisht the old woman were dead. Wisht 
 the old woman were dead." This annoyed the 
 good people of the house very much, and they 
 at last ventured to speak to the curate about it. 
 
 "I think we can rectify the matter," replied 
 the good man. "I also have a parrot, and he is 
 a very righteous bird, having been brought up 
 in the way he should go. I will lend you my 
 parrot, and I trust his good influence will soon 
 reform that depraved bird of yours." 
 
 The curate's parrot was placed in the same 
 room with the wicked one, and as soon as the 
 two had become accustomed to each other, the 
 bad bird remarked: 
 
 "Wisht the old woman were dead." 
 
 Whereupon the clergyman's bird rolled up 
 his eyes, and in solemn accents responded: 
 
 "We beseech Thee to hear us, good Lord." 
 
 The story got out in the parish, and for sev- 
 186
 
 The Funng Bone 
 
 eral Sundays it was thought expedient to omit 
 the Litany at the church services. 
 
 DOING THE DONS 
 
 Dr. Jowett was a warm friend of University 
 extension. When the question came up at Ox- 
 ford of entertaining the students during the 
 summer, he found the Dons very much op- 
 posed to giving up even temporarily their 
 quarters, claiming their vested rights even in 
 vacation. The Master, however, controlled the 
 buttery, and also the chapel exercises. He ac- 
 cordingly cut down the commissariat and 
 lengthened out the prayers, until the Dons 
 yielded and quietly moved out. As a party of 
 them, portmanteaus in hand, were walking to 
 the railway station one day, he chuckled to a 
 friend, "This kind goeth not out but by prayer 
 and fasting." 
 
 EXEUNT OMNES 
 
 Barnum, the great showman, once upon a 
 time lit upon a very happy expedient to get a 
 great company of people to move on. They 
 187
 
 The Funnu Bone 
 
 were packed together in the great tent, and 
 every one of them was anxious to see all that 
 was to be seen, and determined not to miss 
 anything. It was necessary to clear the room, 
 but the crowd couldn't be shoved and wouldn't 
 go out. At the direction of the great showman 
 a man appeared with a brush and a kettle of 
 red paint. He painted just one word, in big 
 letters, on a door leading out into a side street. 
 The word was EGRESS. "Come on," said 
 the crowd, "let's go in and see The Egress." 
 They went in, and they went out, and they 
 saw 
 
 THE EGRESS 
 
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 UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FAClllTr 
 
 Mill Hill Illll lilllllllllllll Illl II 
 
 mi mi UNI UNI inn UNI 11111 11111 minium 
 
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