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 UNIVERSITY OF 
 
 CALIFORNIA 
 SAN OIE&O
 
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 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 
 
 AND 
 
 THE (ADVENTURES OF 
 AN ATOM
 
 -~ 'ifc'.tmfoh,iM(*e'~' 
 
 •j)atvcJ/e o ^ic/oru over (zapiain Qrotve. 
 (See p. 187.) 
 
 I [Frontispiece.
 
 The Adventures of 
 Sir Launcelot Greaves 
 
 AND THE 
 
 Adventures of an Atom 
 
 BY 
 
 TOBIAS SMOLLETT 
 
 WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY 
 GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, ETC. 
 
 London : HUTCHINSON & CO. 
 
 Paternoster Row jf* jt 1905
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 DAWDLE'S VICTORY OVER CAPTAIN CROWE . . Frontispiece 
 
 Facing page 
 THE ALARM OF CROWE AND FILLET AT THE APPEARANCE OF 
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT l6 
 
 NATHANIEL PEACOCK HEARS A VOICE 255 
 
 MR. ORATOR TAYCHO IN HIS STUDY 350
 
 THE ADVENTURES 
 
 OF 
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 In which certain Personages of this delightful History are 
 introduced to the Reader's Acquaintance. 
 
 It was on the great northern road from York to London, 
 about the beginning of the month of October, and the hour 
 of eight in the evening, that four travellers were, by a violent 
 shower of rain, driven for shelter into a little public-house 
 on the side of the highway, distinguished by a sign which 
 was said to exhibit the figure of a black lion. The kitchen, 
 in which they assembled, was the only room for entertainment 
 in the house, paved with red bricks, remarkably clean, 
 furnished with three or four Windsor chairs, adorned with 
 shining plates of pewter, and copper saucepans, nicely 
 scoured, that even dazzled the eyes of the beholder ; while 
 a cheerful fire of sea-coal blazed in the chimney Three 
 of the travellers, who arrived on horseback, having seen their 
 cattle properly accommodated in the stable, agreed to pass 
 the time, until the weather should clear up, over a bowl of 
 rumbo, which was accordingly prepared. But the fourth, 
 refusing to join their company, took his station at the opposite
 
 8 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 side of the chimney, and called for a pint of twopenny, with 
 which he indulged himself apart. At a little distance, 
 on his left hand, there was another group, consisting of 
 the landlady, a decent widow, her two daughters, the older 
 of whom seemed to be about the age of fifteen, and a country 
 lad, who served both as waiter and ostler. 
 
 The social triumvirate was composed of Mr. Fillet, a 
 country practitioner in surgery and midwifery, Captain 
 Crowe, and his nephew Mr. Thomas Clarke, an attorney. 
 Fillet was a man of some education, and a great deal of 
 experience, shrewd, sly, and sensible. Captain Crowe 
 had commanded a merchant ship in the Mediterranean 
 trade for many years, and saved some money by dint of 
 frugality and traffic. He was an excellent seaman, brave, 
 active, friendly in his way, and scrupulously honest ; but 
 as little acquainted with the world as a sucking child ; 
 whimsical, impatient, and so impetuous, that he could not 
 help breaking in upon the conversation, whatever it might 
 be, with repeated interruptions, that seemed to burst from 
 him by involuntary impulse. When he himself attempted 
 to speak he never finished his period ; but made such a 
 number of abrupt transitions, that his discourse seemed to 
 be an unconnected series of unfinished sentences, the meaning 
 of which it was not easy to decipher. 
 
 His nephew, Tom Clarke, was a young fellow, whose 
 goodness of heart even the exercise of his profession had 
 not been able to corrupt. Before strangers he never owned 
 himself an attorney without blushing, though he had no 
 reason to blush for his own practice, for he constantly 
 refused to engage in the cause of any client whose character 
 was equivocal, and was never known to act with such industry 
 as when concerned for the widow and orphan, or any other 
 object that sued in forma -pauperis. Indeed, he was so replete 
 with human kindness, that as often as an affecting story or 
 circumstance was told in his hearing, it overflowed at his 
 eyes. Being of a warm complexion, he was very susceptible 
 of passion, and somewhat libertine in his amours. In other 
 respects, he piqued himself on understanding the practice
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 9 
 
 of the courts, and in private company he took pleasure in 
 laying down the law ; but he was an indifferent orator, 
 and tediously circumstantial in his explanations. His 
 stature was rather diminutive ; but, upon the whole, he 
 had some title to the character of a pretty, dapper, little 
 fellow. 
 
 The solitary guest had something very forbidding in his 
 aspect, which was contracted by an habitual frown. His 
 eyes were small and red, and so deep set in the sockets, 
 that each appeared like the unextinguished snuff of a farthing 
 candle, gleaming through the horn of a dark lanthorn. 
 His nostrils were elevated in scorn, as if his sense of smelling 
 had been perpetually offended by some unsavoury odour ; 
 and he looked as if he wanted to shrink within himself 
 from the impertinence of society. He wore a black periwig 
 as straight as the pinions of a raven, and this was covered 
 with a hat flapped, and fastened to his head by a speckled 
 handkerchief tied under his chin. He was wrapped in 
 a great coat of brown frieze, under which he seemed to 
 conceal a small bundle. His name was Ferret, and his 
 character distinguished by three peculiarities. He was 
 never seen to smile ; he was never heard to speak in praise 
 of any person whatsoever ; and he was never known to give 
 a direct answer to any question that was asked ; but seemed, 
 on all occasions, to be actuated by the most perverse spirit 
 of contradiction. 
 
 Captain Crowe, having remarked that i't was squally 
 weather, asked how far it was to the next market town, 
 and understanding that the distance was not less than 
 six miles, said he had a good mind to come to an anchor 
 for the night, if so be as he could have a tolerable berth 
 in this here harbour. Mr. Fillet, perceiving by his style 
 that he was a seafaring gentleman, observed that their 
 landlady was not used to lodge such company, and expressed 
 some surprise that he, who had no doubt endured so many 
 storms and hardships at sea, should think much of travelling 
 five or six miles a-hnrseback by moonlight. " For my 
 part," said he, " I ride in all weathers, and at all hours
 
 io THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 without minding cold, wet, wind, or darkness. My con- 
 stitution is so case-hardened that I believe I could live all 
 the year at Spitzbergen. With respect to this road, I know 
 every foot of it so exactly that I'll engage to travel forty 
 miies upon it blindfold, without making one false step ; 
 and if you have faith enough to put yourselves under my 
 auspices, I will conduct you safe to an elegant inn, where 
 you will meet with the best accommodation." " Thank 
 you, brother," replied the captain, " we are much beholden 
 to you for your courteous offer ; but, howsomever, you must 
 not think I mind foul weather more than my neighbours. 
 I have worked hard aloft and alow in many a taut gale ; 
 but this here is the case, d'ye see, we have run down a long 
 day's reckoning ; our beasts have had a hard spell, and as 
 for my own hap, brother, I doubt my bottom-planks have 
 lost some of their sheathing, being as how I a'n't used to 
 that kind of scrubbing." 
 
 The doctor, who had practised aboard a man-of-war in 
 his youth, and was perfectly well acquainted with the 
 captain's dialect, assured him that if his bottom was damaged 
 he would new fay it with an excellent salve, which he always 
 carried about him to guard against such accidents on the 
 road. But Tom Clajrke, who seemed to have cast the eyes 
 of affection upon the landlady's eldest daughter, Dolly, 
 objected to their proceeding farther without rest and 
 refreshment, as they had already travelled fifty miles since 
 morning ; and he was sure his uncle must be fatigued both 
 in mind and body, from vexation, as well as from hard 
 exercise, to which he had not been accustomed. Fillet 
 then desisted, saying, he was sorry to find the captain had 
 any cause of vexation ; but he hoped it was not an incurable 
 evil. This expression was accompanied with a look of 
 curiosity, which Mr. Clarke was glad of an occasion to 
 gratify ; for, as we have hinted above, he was a very com- 
 municative gentleman, and the affair which now lay upon 
 his stomach interested him nearly. 
 
 " I'll assure you, sir," said he, " this here gentleman, 
 Captain Crowe, who is my mother's own brother, has been
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES n 
 
 cruelly used by some of his relations. He bears as good a 
 character as any captain of a ship on the Royal Exchange, 
 and has undergone a variety of hardships at sea. What 
 d'ye think, now, of his bursting all his sinews, and making his 
 eyes start out of his head, in pulling his ship off a rock, 
 whereby he saved to his owners " Here he was in- 
 terrupted by the captain, who exclaimed, " Belay, Tom, 
 belay ; pr'ythee, don't veer out such a deal of jaw. Clap 
 a stopper on thy cable and bring thyself up, my lad — what 
 a deal of stuff thou hast pumped up concerning bursting 
 and starting, and pulling ships. Laud have mercy upon 
 us ! — look ye here, brother — look ye here — mind these poor 
 crippled joints ; two fingers on the starboard, and three on 
 the larboard hand ; crooked, d'ye see, like the knees of a 
 bilander. I'll tell you what, brother, you seem to be a — 
 ship deep laden — rich cargo — current setting into the 
 bay — hard gale — lee shore — all hands in the boat — tow 
 round the headland — self pulling for dear blood against 
 the whole crew — snap go the finger-braces — crack went the 
 eye-blocks. Bounce daylight — flash starlight — down I 
 foundered, dark as hell — whiz went my ears, and my head 
 spun like a whirligig. That don't signify — I'm a Yorkshire 
 boy, as the saying is — all my life at sea, brother, by reason 
 of an old grandmother and maiden aunt, a couple of old 
 stinking — kept me these forty years out of my grandfather's 
 estate. Hearing as how they had taken their departure, 
 came ashore, hired horses, and clapped on all my canvas, 
 
 steering to the northward, to take possession of my 
 
 But it don't signify talking — these two old piratical — had 
 held a palaver with a lawyer — an attorney, Tom, d'ye mind 
 me, an attorney — and by his assistance hove me out of 
 my inheritance. That is all, brother — hove me out of 
 five hundred pounds a year — that's all — what signifies — but 
 such windfalls we don't every day pick up along shore. 
 Fill about, brother — yes, by the L — d ! those two smuggling 
 harridans, with the assistance of an attorney — an attorney, 
 Tom — hove me out of five hundred a year." " Yes, 
 indeed, sir," added Mr. Clarke, " those two malicious
 
 12 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 old women docked the intail, and left the estate to an 
 alien." 
 
 Here Mr. Ferret thought proper to intermingle in the 
 conversation with a " Pish, what dost talk of docking the 
 intail ? Dost not know that by the statute Westm. 2. 
 
 13 Ed. the will and intention of the donor must be fulfilled, 
 and the tenant in tail shall not alien after issue had, or 
 before." " Give me leave, sir," replied Tom, " I presume 
 you are a practitioner in the law. Now, you know, that 
 in the case of a contingent remainder, the intail may be 
 destroyed by levying a fine, and suffering a recovery, or 
 otherwise destroying the particular estate, before the 
 contingency happens. If feoffees, who possess an estate only 
 during the life of a son, where divers remainders are limited 
 over, make a feoffment in fee to him, by the feoffment, all 
 the future remainders are destroyed. Indeed, a person in 
 remainder may have a writ of intrusion, if any do intrude 
 after the death of a tenant for life, and the writ ex gravi 
 querela lies to execute a device in remainder after the death 
 of a tenant in tail without issue." " Spoke like a true 
 disciple of Geber," cries Ferret. " No, sir," replied Mr. 
 Clarke, " Counsellor Caper is in the conveyancing way — I 
 was clerk to Serjeant Croker." " Ay, now you may set up 
 for yourself," resumed the other ; " for you can prate as 
 unintelligibly as the best of them." 
 
 " Perhaps," said Tom, " I do not make myself under- 
 stood ; if so be as how that is the case, let us change the 
 position, and suppose that this here case is a tail after a 
 -possibility of issue extinct. If a tenant in tail after a possibility 
 make a feoffment of his land, he in reversion may enter for 
 the forfeiture. Then we must make a distinction between 
 general tail and special tail. It is the word body that makes 
 the intail : there must be a body in the tail, devised to heirs 
 male or female, otherwise it is a fee-simple, because it is 
 not limited of what body. Thus a corporation cannot 
 be seized in tail. For example, here is a young woman — 
 what is your name, my dear ? " " Dolly," answered the 
 daughter, with a curtsey. " Here's Dolly — I seize Dolly
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 13 
 
 in tail — Dolly, I seize you in tail " — " Sha't then/' cried 
 Dolly, pouting. " I am seized of land in fee — I settle on 
 Dolly in tail" 
 
 Dolly, who did not comprehend the nature of the illus- 
 tration, understood him in a literal sense, and, in a whimper- 
 ing tone, exclaimed, " Sha't then, I tell thee, cursed tuoad ! " 
 Tom, however, was so transported with his subject, that 
 he took no notice of poor Dolly's mistake, but proceeded 
 in his harangue upon the different kinds of tails, remainders, 
 and seisins, when he was interrupted by a noise that alarmed 
 the whole company. The rain had been succeeded by a 
 storm of wind that howled around the house with the most 
 savage impetuosity, and the heavens were overcast in such 
 a manner that not one star appeared, so that all without 
 was darkness and uproar. This aggravated the horror of 
 divers loud screams, which even the noise of the blast could 
 not exclude from the ears of our astonished travellers. 
 Captain Crowe called out, " Avast, avast ! " Tom Clarke 
 sat silent, staring wildly, with his mouth still open ; the 
 surgeon himself seemed startled, and Ferret's countenance 
 betrayed evident marks of confusion. The ostler moved 
 nearer the chimney, and the good woman of the house, 
 with her two daughters, crept closer to the company. 
 
 After some pause, the captain starting up, " These," 
 said he, " be signals of distress. Some poor souls in danger 
 of foundering — let us bear up a-head, and see if we can give 
 them any assistance." The landlady begged him, fr>r 
 Christ's sake, not to think of going out, for it was a spirit 
 that would lead him astray into fens and rivers, and certainly 
 do him a mischief. Crowe seemed to be staggered by this 
 remonstrance, which his nephew reinforced, observing, that 
 it might be a stratagem of rogues to decoy them into the 
 fields, that they might rob them under the cloud of night. 
 Thus exhorted, he resumed his seat, and Mr. Ferret began 
 to make very severe strictures upon the folly and fear of 
 those who believed and trembled at the visitation of spirits, 
 ghosts, and goblins. He said he would engage with twelve 
 pennyworth of phosphorus to frighten a whole parish out
 
 14 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 of their senses ; then he expatiated on the pusillanimity 
 of the nation in general, ridiculed the militia, censured the 
 Government, and dropped some hints about a change of 
 hands, which the captain could not, and the doctor would 
 not, comprehend. 
 
 Tom Clarke, from the freedom of his discourse, concluded 
 he was a ministerial spy, and communicated his opinion 
 to his uncle in a whisper, while this misanthrope continued 
 to pour forth his invectives with a fluency peculiar to himself. 
 The truth is, Mr. Ferret had been a party writer, not from 
 principle, but employment, and had felt the rod of power, 
 in order to avoid a second exertion of which he now found 
 it convenient to skulk about in the country, for he had 
 received intimation of a warrant from the Secretary of 
 State, who wanted to be better acquainted with his person. 
 Notwithstanding the ticklish nature of his situation, it was 
 become so habitual to him to think and speak in a certain 
 manner, that even before strangers whose principles and 
 connections he could not possibly know he hardly ever opened 
 his mouth without uttering some direct or implied sarcasm 
 against the Government. 
 
 He had already proceeded a considerable way in demon- 
 strating that the nation was bankrupt and beggared, and 
 that those who stood at the helm were steering full into the 
 gulf of inevitable destruction, when his lecture was suddenly 
 suspended by a violent knocking at the door, which threatened 
 the whole house with inevitable demolition. Captain 
 Crowe, believing they should be instantly boarded, un- 
 sheathed his hanger, and stood in a posture of defence. 
 Mr. Fillet armed himself with the poker, which happened 
 to be red hot, the ostler pulled down a rusty firelock, that 
 hung by the roof over a flitch of bacon. Tom Clarke 
 perceiving the landlady and her children distracted with 
 Terror, conducted them, out of mere compassion, below 
 stairs into the cellar ; and as for Mr. Ferret, he prudently 
 withdrew into an adjoining pantry. 
 
 But as a personage of great importance in this enter- 
 taining history was forced to remain some time at the door
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 15 
 
 before he could gain admittance, so must the reader wait 
 with patience for the next chapter, in which he will see the 
 cause of this disturbance explained much to his comfort and 
 edification. 
 
 CHAPTER II 
 
 In which the Hero of these Adventures makes his First 
 Appearance on the Stage of Action. 
 
 The outward door of the Black Lion had already sustained 
 two dreadful shocks, but at the third it flew open, and in 
 stalked an apparition that smote the hearts of our travellers 
 with fear and trepidation. It was the figure of a man armed 
 cap-a-pie, bearing on his shoulders a bundle dropping with 
 water, which afterwards appeared to be the body of a man 
 that seemed to have been drowned, and fished up from the 
 bottom of the neighbouring river. 
 
 Having deposited his burden carefully on the floor, he 
 addressed himself to the company in these words : " Be 
 not surprised, good people, at this unusual appearance, 
 which I shall take an opportunity to explain, and forgive the 
 rude and boisterous manner in which I have demanded, 
 and indeed forced admittance ; the violence of my intrusion 
 was the effect of necessity. In crossing the river, my 
 squire and his horse were swept away by the stream, and, 
 with some difficulty, I have been able to drag him ashore, 
 though I am afraid my assistance reached him too late, 
 for since I brought him to land he has given no signs of 
 life." 
 
 Here he was interrupted by a groan, which issued from 
 the chest of the squire, and terrified the spectators as much 
 as it comforted the master. After some recollection, Mr. 
 Fillet began to undress the body, which was laid in a blanket 
 on the floor, and rolled from side to side by his direction. 
 A considerable quantity of water being discharged from the 
 mouth of this unfortunate squire, he uttered a hideous roar, 
 and, opening his eyes, stared wildly around. Then the
 
 i6 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 surgeon undertook for his recovery ; and his master went 
 forth with the ostler in quest of the horses, which he had left 
 by the side of the river. His back was no sooner turned 
 than Ferret, who had been peeping from behind the pantry- 
 door, ventured to rejoin the company ; pronouncing with 
 a smile, or rather grin, of contempt, " Hey-day ! what 
 precious mummery is this ? What, are we to have the farce 
 of Hamlet's ghost ? " " Adzooks," cried the captain, " my 
 kinsman Tom has dropped astern — hope in God a-has not 
 bulged to, and gone to bottom." " Pish," exclaimed the 
 misanthrope, " there's no danger ; the young lawyer is 
 only seizing Dolly in tail." 
 
 Certain it is, Dolly squeaked at that instant in the cellar ; 
 and Clarke, appearing soon after in some confusion, declared 
 she had been frightened by a flash of lightning. But this 
 assertion was not confirmed by the young lady herself, who 
 eyed him with a sullen regard, indicating displeasure, though 
 not indifference ; and when questioned by her mother, 
 replied, " A doan't maind what a-says, so a doan't, vor all 
 his goalden jacket, then." 
 
 In the meantime the surgeon had performed the operation 
 of phlebotomy on the squire, who was lifted into a chair, 
 and supported by the landlady for that purpose ; but he had 
 not as yet given any sign of having retrieved the use of his 
 senses. And here Mr. Fillet could not help contemplating, 
 with surprise, the strange figure and accoutrements of his 
 patient, who seemed in age to be turned of fifty. His 
 stature was below the middle size ; he was thick, squat, 
 and brawny, with a small protuberance on one shoulder, 
 and a prominent belly, which, in consequence of the water 
 he had swallowed, now strutted beyond its usual dimensions. 
 His forehead was remarkably convex, and so very low 
 that his black bushy hair descended within an inch of his 
 nose ; but this did not conceal the wrinkles of his front, 
 which were manifold. His small glimmering eyes resembled 
 those of the Hampshire porker, that turns up the soil with 
 his projecting snout. His cheeks were shrivelled and 
 puckered at the corners, like the seams of a regimental
 
 ipp 
 
 Ci? C>iulu!w»h-- 
 
 X9//0 (%fartn of (trotve and cfif/et at t/te (StA&earance 
 of Q)ii -Liannce/of.
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 17 
 
 coat as it comes from the hands of the contractor. His nose 
 bore a strong analogy in shape to a tennis-ball, and in colour 
 to a mulberry ; for all the water of the river had not been 
 able to quench the natural fire of that feature. His upper 
 jaw was furnished with two long white sharp-pointed teeth 
 or fangs, such as the reader may have observed in the chaps 
 of a wolf, or full-grown mastiff, and an anatomist would 
 describe as a preternatural elongation of the dentes canini. 
 His chin was so long, so peaked, and incurvated, as to form 
 in profile, with his impending forehead, the exact resemblance 
 of a moon in the first quarter. With respect to his equipage, 
 he had a leathern cap upon his head, faced like those worn 
 by marines, and exhibiting in embroidery the figure of a 
 crescent. His coat was of white cloth, faced with black, 
 and cut in a very antique fashion ; and, in lieu of a waistcoat, 
 he wore a buff jerkin. His feet were cased with loose 
 buskins, which,though they rose almost to his knee, could not 
 hide that curvature, known by the appellation of bandy 
 legs. A large string of bandaliers garnished a broad belt 
 that graced his shoulders, from whence depended an instru- 
 ment of war, which was something between a back-sword 
 and a cutlass ; and a case of pistols was stuck in his girdle. 
 
 Such was the figure which the whole company now 
 surveyed with admiration. After some pause, he seemed to 
 recover his recollection. He rolled about his eyes around, 
 and, attentively surveying every individual, exclaimed, in a 
 strange tone, " Bodikins ! where's Gilbert ? " This in- 
 terrogation did not savour much of sanity, especially when 
 accompanied with a wild stare, which is generally interpreted 
 as a sure sign of a disturbed understanding. Nevertheless, 
 the surgeon endeavoured to assist his recollection. " Come," 
 said he, " have a good heart. How dost do, friend ? " 
 ' Do ! " replied the squire, " do as well as I can. — That's 
 a lie too ; I might have done better. I had no business 
 to be here." " You ought to thank God and your master," 
 resumed the surgeon, " for the providential escape you have 
 had." ' Thank my master ! " cried the squire, " thank 
 the devil ! Go and teach your grannum to crack filberds. I
 
 18 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 know who I'm bound to pray for, and who I ought to curse 
 the longest day I have to live." 
 
 Here the captain interposing, " Nay, brother," said he, 
 
 " you are bound to pray for this here gentleman as your 
 
 sheet-anchor ; for, if so be as he had not cleared your 
 
 stowage of the water you had taken in at your upper works, 
 
 and lightened your veins, d'ye see, by taking away some of 
 
 your blood, adad ! you had driven before the gale, and never 
 
 been brought up in this world again, d'ye see." " What, 
 
 then you would persuade me," replied the patient, " that 
 
 the only way to save my life was to shed my precious blood ? 
 
 Look ye, friend, it shall not be lost blood to me. — I take you 
 
 all to witness, that there surgeon, or apothecary, or farrier, 
 
 or dog-doctor, or whatsoever he may be, has robbed me of 
 
 the balsam of life. — He has not left so much blood in my 
 
 body as would fatten a starved flea. — Oh that there was a 
 
 lawyer here to serve him with a siserari ! " 
 
 Then, fixing his eyes upon Ferret, he proceeded : " An't 
 you a limb of the law, friend ? — No, I cry you mercy, you 
 look more like a showman or a conjurer." Ferret, nettled 
 at this address, answered, " It would be well for you, that 
 I could conjure a little common sense into that numskull 
 of yours." " If I want that commodity," rejoined the squire, 
 " I must go to another market, I trow. — You legerdemain 
 men be more like to conjure the money from our pockets 
 than sense into our skulls. Vor my own part, I was once 
 cheated of vorty good shillings by one of your broother cups 
 and balls." In all probability he would have descended 
 to particulars had he not been seized with a return of his 
 nausea, which obliged him to call for a bumper of brandy. 
 This remedy being swallowed, the tumult in his stomach 
 subsided. He desired he might be put to bed without 
 delay, and that half a dozen eggs and a pound of bacon 
 might, in a couple of hours, be dressed for his supper. 
 
 He was accordingly led off the scene by the landlady 
 and her daughter ; and Mr. Ferret had just time to observe 
 the fellow was a composition, in which he did not know 
 whether knave or fool most predominated, when the master
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 19 
 
 returned from the stable. He had taken off his helmet, 
 and now displayed a very engaging countenance. His age 
 did not seem to exceed thirty. He was tall, and seemingly 
 robust ; his face long and oval, his nose aquiline, his mouth 
 furnished with a set of elegant teeth, white as the drifted 
 snow, his complexion clear, and his aspect noble. His 
 chestnut hair loosely flowed in short natural curls, and his 
 grey eyes shone with such vivacity as plainly showed that 
 his reason was a little discomposed. Such an appearance 
 prepossessed the greater part of the company in his favour. 
 He bowed round with the most polite and affable address ; 
 inquired about his squire, and, being informed of the pains 
 Mr. Fillet had taken for his recovery, insisted upon that 
 gentleman's accepting a handsome gratuity. Then, in 
 consideration of the cold bath he had undergone, he was 
 prevailed upon to take the post of honour ; namely, the 
 great chair fronting the fire, which was reinforced with a 
 billet of wood for his comfort and convenience. 
 
 Perceiving his fellow-travellers, either overawed into 
 silence by his presence, or struck dumb with admiration at 
 his equipage, he accosted them in these words, while an 
 agreeable smile dimpled on his cheek : 
 
 " The good company wonders, no doubt, to see a man 
 cased in armour, such as hath been for above a whole century 
 disused in this and every other country of Europe ; and 
 perhaps they will be still more surprised when they hear 
 that man profess himself a novitiate of that military order, 
 which hath of old been distinguished in Great Britain, 
 as well as through all Christendom, by the name of knights- 
 errant. Yes, gentleman, in that painful and thorny path 
 of toil and danger I have begun my career, a candidate for 
 honest fame ; determined, as far as in me lies, to honour and 
 assert the efforts of virtue ; to combat vice in all her forms, 
 redress injuries, chastise oppression, protect the helpless and 
 forlorn, relieve the indigent, exert my best endeavours in 
 the cause of innocence and beauty, and dedicate my talents, 
 such as they are, to the service of my country." 
 
 ' What ! " said Ferret, " you set up for a modern Don
 
 zo THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 Quixote ? The scheme is rather too stale and extravagant. 
 What was a humorous romance and well-timed satire in 
 Spain near two hundred years ago will make but a sorry- 
 jest, and appear equally insipid and absurd when really 
 acted from affectation, at this time of day, in a country like 
 England." 
 
 The knight, eyeing this censor with a look of disdain, 
 replied, in a solemn, lofty tone : " He that from affectation 
 imitates the extravagancies recorded of Don Quixote is an 
 impostor equally wicked and contemptible. He that 
 counterfeits madness, unless he dissembles, like the elder 
 Brutus, for some virtuous purpose, not only debases his own 
 soul, but acts as a traitor to Heaven, by denying the divinity 
 that is within him. I am neither an affected imitator of 
 Don Quixote, nor, as I trust in Heaven, visited by that 
 spirit of lunacy so admirably displayed in the fictitious 
 character exhibited by the inimitable Cervantes. I have 
 not yet encountered a windmill for a giant, nor mistaken 
 this public-house for a magnificent castle ; neither do I 
 believe this gentleman to be the constable ; nor that worthy 
 practitioner to be Master Elizabat, the surgeon recorded 
 in Amadis de Gaul ; nor you to be the enchanter Alquife, 
 nor any other sage of history or romance ; I see and dis- 
 tinguish objects as they are discerned and described by other 
 men. I reason without prejudice, can endure contradiction, 
 and, as the company perceives, even bear impertinent 
 censure without passion or resentment. I quarrel with 
 none but the foes of virtue and decorum, against whom I 
 have declared perpetual war, and them I will everywhere 
 attack as the natural enemies of mankind." 
 
 " But that war," said the cynic, " may soon be brought 
 to a conclusion, and your adventures close in Bridewell, 
 provided you meet with some determined constable, who 
 will seize your worship as a vagrant, according to the statute." 
 " Heaven and earth ! " cried the stranger, starting up, 
 and laying his hand on his sword, " do I live to hear myself' 
 insulted with such an opprobrious epithet, and refrain from; 
 trampling into dust the insolent^calumniator ? "
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 21 
 
 The tone in which these words were pronounced, and 
 the indignation that flashed from the eyes of the speaker, 
 intimidated every individual of the society, and reduced 
 Ferret to a temporary privation of all his faculties. His 
 eyes retired within their sockets ; his complexion, which 
 was naturally of a copper hue, now shifted to a leaden colour ; 
 his teeth began to chatter ; and all his limbs were agitated 
 by a sudden palsy. The knight observed his condition, and 
 resumed his seat, saying, " I was to blame ; my vengeance 
 must be reserved for very different objects. Friend, you 
 have nothing to fear — the sudden gust of passion is now 
 blown over. Recollect yourself, and I will reason calmly 
 on the observation you have made." 
 
 This was a very seasonable declaration to Mr. Ferret, 
 who opened his eyes, and wiped his forehead, while the other 
 proceeded in these terms : " You say I am in danger of 
 being apprehended as a vagrant. I am not so ignorant of 
 the laws of my country, but that I know the description 
 of those who fall within the legal meaning of this odious 
 term. You must give me leave to inform you, friend, that 
 I am neither bearward, fencer, stroller, gipsy, mountebank, 
 nor mendicant ; nor do I practise subtle craft, to deceive 
 and impose upon the king's lieges ; nor can I be held as 
 an idle disorderly person, travelling from place to place, 
 collecting monies by virtue of counterfeited passes, briefs, 
 and other false pretences ; in what respect, therefore, am I 
 to be deemed a vagrant ? Answer boldly without fear or 
 scruple." 
 
 To this interrogation the misanthrope replied, with a 
 faltering accent, " If not a vagrant, you incur the penalty 
 for riding armed in affray of the peace." — " But, instead 
 of riding armed in affray of the peace," resumed the other, 
 " I ride in preservation of the peace, and gentlemen are 
 allowed by the law to wear armour for their defence. Some 
 ride with blunderbusses, some with pistols, some with 
 swords, according to their various inclinations. Mine is 
 to wear the armour of my forefathers. Perhaps I use them 
 for exercise, in order to accustom myself to fatigue, and
 
 22 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 strengthen my constitution, perhaps I assume them for a 
 frolic." 
 
 " But if you swagger, armed and in disguise, assault me 
 on the highway, or put me in bodily fear for the sake of the 
 jest, the law will punish you in earnest," cried the other. — 
 " But my intention," answered the knight, " is carefully to 
 avoid all those occasions of offence." " Then," said Ferret, 
 " you may go unarmed, like other sober people." " Not 
 so," answered the knight ; " as I propose to travel all times, 
 and in all places, mine armour may guard me against the 
 attempts of treachery ; it may defend me in combat against 
 odds, should I be assaulted by a multitude, or have occasion 
 to bring malefactors to justice." 
 
 " What, then," exclaimed the philosopher, " you intend to 
 co-operate with the honourable fraternity of thief-takers ? " 
 " I do purpose," said the youth, eyeing him with a look 
 of ineffable contempt, " to act as a coadjutator to the law, 
 and even to remedy evils which the law cannot reach ; to 
 detect fraud and treason, abase insolence, mortify pride, 
 discourage slander, disgrace immodesty, and stigmatise in- 
 gratitude, but the infamous part of a thief-catcher's character 
 I disclaim. I neither associate with robbers and pickpockets, 
 knowing them to be such, that, in being intrusted with their 
 secrets, I may the more effectually betray them, nor shall I 
 ever pocket the reward granted by the legislature to those 
 by whom robbers are brought to conviction ; but I shall 
 always think it my duty to rid my country of that pernicious 
 vermin which prey upon the bowels of the commonwealth 
 — not but that an incorporated company of licensed thieves 
 might, under proper regulations, be of service to the com- 
 munity." 
 
 Ferret, emboldened by the passive tameness with which 
 the stranger bore his last reflection, began to think he had 
 nothing of Hector but his outside, and gave a loose to all 
 the acrimony of his party rancour. Hearing the knight 
 mention a company of licensed thieves, " What else," cried 
 he, " is the majority of the nation ? What is your standing 
 army at home, that eat up their fellow-subjects ? What
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 23 
 
 are your mercenaries abroad, whom you hire to fight their 
 own quarrels ? What is your militia, that wise measure of 
 a sagacious ministry, but a larger gang of petty thieves, who 
 steal sheep and poultry through mere idleness, and, were 
 they confronted with an enemy, would steal themselves 
 away ? What is your . . . but a knot of thieves, who 
 pillage the nation under colour of law, and enrich themselves 
 with the wreck of their country ? When you consider the 
 enormous debt of above a hundred millions, the intolerable 
 load of taxes and impositions under which we groan, and 
 the manner in which that burden is yearly accumulating, 
 to support two German electorates, without our receiving 
 anything in return, but the shows of triumph and shadows 
 of conquest ; — I say, when you reflect on these circumstances, 
 and at the same time behold our cities filled with bankrupts, 
 and our country with beggars, can you be so infatuated as 
 to deny that the ministry is mad, or wors> than mad — our 
 wealth exhausted, our people miserable, our credit blasted, 
 and our state on the brink of perdition ? This prospect, 
 indeed, will make the fainter impression, if we recollect that 
 we ourselves are a pack of such profligate, corrupted, 
 pusillanimous rascals as deserve no salvation." 
 
 The stranger, raising his voice to a loud tone, replied, 
 " Such, indeed, are the insinuations, equally false and in- 
 sidious, with which the desperate emissaries of a party 
 endeavour to poison the minds of his majesty's subjects, 
 in defiance of common honesty and common sense. But 
 he must be blind to all perception, and dead to candour, 
 who does not see and own that we are involved in a just 
 and necessary war, which has been maintained on truly 
 British principles, prosecuted with vigour, and crowned 
 with success ; that our taxes are easy, in proportion to our 
 wealth ; that our conquests are equally glorious and im- 
 portant ; that our commerce flourishes, our people are 
 happy, and our enemies reduced to despair. Is there a 
 man who boasts a British heart that repines at the success 
 and prosperity of his country ? Such there are (Oh, shame 
 to patriotism, and reproach to Great Britain !), who act as
 
 24 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 the emissaries of France, both in word and writing, who 
 exaggerate our necessary burdens, magnify our dangers, 
 extol the power of our enemies, deride our victories, ex- 
 tenuate our conquests, condemn the measures of our govern- 
 ment, and scatter the seeds of dissatisfaction through the 
 land. Such domestic traitors are doubly the objects of 
 detestation ; — first, in perverting truth, and, secondly, in 
 propagating falsehood, to the prejudice of that community 
 of which they have professed themselves members. One of 
 these is well known by the name of Ferret, an old, rancorous, 
 incorrigible instrument of sedition. Happy it is for him 
 that he has never fallen in my way ; for, notwithstanding 
 the maxims of forbearance which I have adopted, the indig- 
 nation which the character of that caitiff inspires, would 
 probably impel me to some act of violence, and I should 
 crush him like an ungrateful viper, that gnawed the bosom 
 which warmed it into life ! " 
 
 These last words were pronounced with a wildness of look 
 that even bordered upon frenzy. The misanthrope once 
 more retired to the pantry for shelter, and the rest of the 
 guests were evidently disconcerted. 
 
 Mr. Fillet, in order to change the conversation, which was 
 likely to produce serious consequences, expressed uncommon 
 satisfaction at the remarks which the knight had made, 
 signified his approbation of the honourable office he had 
 undertaken, declared himself happy in having seen such an 
 accomplished cavalier, and observed that nothing was 
 wanting to render him a complete knight-errant but some 
 celebrated beauty, the mistress of his heart, whose idea 
 might animate his breast, and strengthen his arm to the 
 utmost exertion of valour. He added, that love was the 
 soul of chivalry. 
 
 The stranger started at this discourse. He turned his 
 eyes on the surgeon with a fixed regard, his countenance 
 changed, a torrent of tears gushed down his cheeks, his head 
 sank upon his bosom, he heaved a profound sigh, and re- 
 mained in silence with all the external marks of unutterable 
 sorrow. The company were, in some measure, infected by
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 25 
 
 his despondence, concerning the cause of which, however, 
 they would not venture to inquire. 
 
 By this time the landlady, having disposed of the squire, 
 desired to know, with many curtsies, if his honour would 
 not choose to put off his wet garments, assuring him that 
 she had a very good feather bed at his service, upon which 
 many gentlevolks of the virst quality had lain, that the sheets 
 were well aired, and that Dolly would warm them for his 
 worship with a pan of coals. This hospitable offer being 
 repeated, he seemed to wake from a trance of grief, arose 
 from his seat, and, bowing courteously to the company, 
 withdrew. 
 
 Captain Crowe, whose faculty of speech had been all this 
 time absorbed in amazement, now broke into the conversa- 
 tion with a volley of interjections. " Split my snatchblock ! 
 — Odd's firkin ! — Splice my old shoes ! — I have sailed the 
 salt seas, brother, since I was no higher than the Triton's 
 taffrel — east, west, north, and south, as the saying is — Blacks, 
 Indians, Moors, Morattos, and Sepoys — but, smite my 
 timbers ! such a man of war " 
 
 Here he was interrupted by his nephew, Tom Clarke, 
 who had disappeared at the knight's first entrance, and now 
 produced himself with an eagerness in his look, while the 
 tears started in his eyes. " Lord bless my soul ! " cried he, 
 " I know that gentleman and his servant as well as I know 
 my own father ! I am his own godson, uncle ; he stood 
 for me when he was a boy. Yes, indeed, sir, my father was 
 steward to the estate. I may say I was bred up in the family 
 of Sir Fverhard Greaves, who has been dead these two years. 
 This is the only son, Sir Launcelot, the best-natured, worthy, 
 generous gentleman — I care not who knows it. I love him 
 as well as if he was my own flesh and blood " 
 
 At this period Tom, whose heart was of the melting mood, 
 began to sob and weep plenteously, from pure affection. 
 Crowe, who was not very subject to these tendernesses, 
 d — ed him for a chicken-hearted lubber, repeating, with 
 much peevishness, " What dost cry for ? What dost cry 
 for, noddy i " The surgeon, impatient to know the story
 
 26 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 of Sir Launcelot, which he had heard imperfectly recounted, 
 begged that Mr. Clarke would compose himself, and relate 
 it as circumstantially as his memory would retain the par- 
 ticulars, and Tom, wiping his eyes, promised to give him 
 that satisfaction, which the reader, if he be so minded, 
 may partake in the next chapter. 
 
 CHAPTER III 
 
 Which the Reader, on perusal, may wish were Chapter the last. 
 
 The doctor prescribed a repetatur of the julep, and mixed 
 the ingredients, secundum artem ; Tom Clarke hemmed thrice 
 to clear his pipes ; while the rest of the company, including 
 Dolly and her mother, who had by this time administered to 
 the knight, composed themselves into earnest and hushed 
 attention. Then the young lawyer began his narrative to 
 this effect : 
 
 " I tell ye what, gemmen, I don't pretend in this here 
 case to flourish and harangue like a — having never been called 
 to — but what of that, d'ye see ? Perhaps I may know as 
 much as — facts are facts, as the saying is. I shall tell, repeat, 
 and relate a plain story — matters of fact, d'ye see, without 
 rhetoric, oratory, ornament, or embellishment ; without 
 repetition, tautology, circumlocution, or going about the 
 bush ; facts which 1 shall aver, partly on the testimony of 
 my own knowledge, and partly from the information of 
 responsible evidences of good repute and credit, any circum- 
 stance known to the contrary notwithstanding. For as the 
 law saith, if so be as how there is an exception to evidence, 
 that exception is in its nature but a denial of what is taken 
 to be good by the other party, and exceptio in non exceptis, 
 firmat regulam, d'ye see ? But, howsomever, in regard to 
 this here affair, we need not be so scrupulous as if we were 
 pleading before a judge sedente curia." 
 
 Ferret, whose curiosity was rather more eager than that 
 of any other person in this audience, being provoked by this
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 27 
 
 preamble, dashed the pipe he had just rilled in pieces against 
 the grate, and after having pronounced the interjection 
 fish / with an acrimony of aspect altogether peculiar to 
 himself, " If," said he, " impertinence and folly were felony 
 by the statute, there would be no want of unexceptionable 
 evidence to hang such an eternal babbler." — " Anan, bab- 
 bler ! " cried Tom, reddening with passion, and starting up. 
 " I'd have you to know, sir, that I can bite as well as babble, 
 and that, if I am so minded, I can run upon the foot after 
 my game without being in fault, as the saying is, and, which 
 is more, I can shake an old fox by the collar." 
 
 How far this young lawyer might have proceeded to prove 
 himself staunch on the person of the misanthrope, if he had 
 not been prevented, we shall not determine ; but the whole 
 company were alarmed at his looks and expressions. Dolly's 
 rosy cheeks assumed an ash colour, while she ran between 
 the disputants, crying, " Naay, naay — vor the love of God 
 doan't then, doan't then ! " But Captain Crowe exerted 
 a parental authority over his nephew, saying, " Avast, Tom, 
 avast ! Snug's the word — we'll have no boarding, d'ye see. 
 Haul forward thy chair again, take thy berth, and proceed 
 with thy story in a direct course, without yawing like a Dutch 
 yanky." 
 
 Tom, thus tutored, recollected himself, resumed his seat, 
 and, after some pause, plunged at once into the current of 
 narration. " I told you before, gemmen, that the gentleman 
 in armour was the only son of Sir Everhard Greaves, who 
 possessed a free estate of five thousand a year in our country, 
 and was respected by all his neighbours as much for his 
 personal merit as for his family fortune. With respect 
 to his son Launcelot, whom you have seen, I can remember 
 nothing until he returned from the university, about the 
 age of seventeen, and then I myself was not more than ten 
 years old. The young gemman was at that time in mourning 
 for his mother ; though, God knows, Sir Everhard had more 
 cause to rejoice than to be afflicted at her death : — for, 
 among friends " (here he lowered his voice, and looked 
 round the kitchen), " she was very whimsical, expensive,
 
 28 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 ill-tempered, and, I'm afraid, a little — upon the — flightly 
 order — a little touched or so ; — but mum for that — the 
 lady is now dead ; and it is my maxim, de mortuis nil nisi 
 bonum. The young squire was even then very handsome, 
 and looked remarkably well in his weepers ; but he had an 
 awkward air and shambling gait, stooped mortally, and was 
 so shy and silent that he would not look a stranger in the face, 
 nor open his mouth before company. Whenever he spied 
 a horse or carriage at the gate, he would make his escape 
 into the garden, and from thence into the park ; where 
 many is the good time and often he has been found sitting 
 under a tree, with a book in his hand, reading Greek, Latin, 
 and other foreign linguas. 
 
 " Sir Everhard himself was no great scholar, and my 
 father had forgotten his classical learning ; and so the rector 
 of the parish was desired to examine young Launcelot. 
 It was a long time before he 'found an opportunity ; the 
 squire always gave him the slip. At length the parson 
 catched him in bed of a morning, and, locking the door, 
 to it they went tooth and nail. What passed betwixt 
 them the Lord in heaven knows ; but when the doctor 
 came forth, he looked wild and haggard as if he had seen a 
 ghost, his face as white as paper, and his lips trembling 
 like an aspen-leaf. ' Parson,' said the knight, ' what is the 
 matter ? — how dost find my son ? I hope he won't turn 
 out a ninny, and disgrace his family ? ' The doctor, wiping 
 the sweat from his forehead, replied, with some hesitation, 
 ' he could not tell, he hoped the best — the squire was to 
 be sure a very extraordinary young gentleman.' But the 
 father urging him to give an explicit answer, he frankly 
 declared, that, in his opinion, the son would turn out either 
 a mirror of wisdom, or a monument of folly ; for his genius 
 and disposition were altogether preternatural. The knight 
 was sorely vexed at this declaration, and signified his dis- 
 pleasure by saying the doctor, like a true priest, dealt in 
 mysteries and oracles, that would admit of different and 
 indeed contrary interpretations. He afterwards consulted 
 my father, who had served as a steward upon the estate for
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 29 
 
 above thirty years, and acquired a considerable share of his 
 favour. ' Will Clarke,' said he, with tears in his eyes, • what 
 shall I do with this unfortunate lad ? I would to God he 
 had never been born ; for I fear he will bring my grey hairs 
 with sorrow to the grave. When I am gone, he will throw 
 away the estate, and bring himself to infamy and ruin, by 
 keeping company with rooks and beggars. — O Will ! I could 
 forgive extravagance in a young man ; but it breaks my heart 
 to see my only son give such repeated proofs of a mean spirit 
 and sordid disposition ! ' 
 
 " Here the old gentleman shed a flood of tears, and not 
 without some shadow of reason. By this time Launcelot 
 was grown so reserved to his father that he seldom saw him 
 or any of his relations, except when he was in a manner forced 
 to appear at table, and there his bashfulness seemed every 
 day to increase. On the other hand, he had formed some 
 very strange connections. Every morning he visited the 
 stable, where he not only conversed with the grooms and 
 helpers, but scraped acquaintance with the horses ; he fed 
 his favourites with his own hand, stroked, caressed, and rode 
 them by turns, till at last they grew so familiar, that, even 
 when they were afield at grass, and saw him at a distance, 
 they would toss their manes, whinny like so many colts at 
 sight of the dam, and, galloping up to the place where he 
 stood, smell him all over. 
 
 " You must know that I myself, though a child, was 
 his companion in all these excursions. He took a liking to 
 me on account of my being his godson, and gave me more 
 money than I knew what to do with. He had always plenty 
 of cash for the asking, as my father was ordered to supply 
 him liberally, the knight thinking that a command of money 
 might help to raise his thoughts to a proper consideration 
 of his own importance. He never could endure a common 
 beggar that was not either in a state of infancy or of old 
 age ; but in other respects he made the guineas fly in such 
 a manner as looked more like madness than generosity. 
 He had no communication with your rich yeomen, but rather 
 treated them and their families with studied contempt,
 
 30 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 because forsooth they pretended to assume the dress and 
 manners of the gentry. 
 
 " They kept their footmen, their saddle horses, and 
 chaises ; their wives and daughters appeared in their jewels, 
 their silks, and their satins, their negligees and trollopees ; 
 their clumsy shanks, like so many shins of beef, were cased 
 in silk hose and embroidered slippers ; their raw red fingers, 
 gross as the pipes of a chamber organ, which had been 
 employed in milking the cows, in twirling the mop or 
 churn-staff, being adorned with diamonds, were taught to 
 thrum the pandola, and even to touch the keys of the 
 harpsichord ! Nay, in every village they kept a rout, and 
 set up an assembly ; and in one place a hog-butcher was 
 master of the ceremonies. 
 
 " I have heard Mr. Greaves ridicule them for their vanity 
 and awkward imitation ; and therefore, I believe, he avoided 
 all concerns with them, even when they endeavoured to 
 engage his attention. It was the lower sort of people with 
 whom he chiefly conversed, such as ploughmen, ditchers, 
 and other day-labourers. To every cottager in the parish 
 he was a bounteous benefactor. He was, in the literal sense 
 of the word, a careful overseer of the poor, for he went from 
 house to house, industriously inquiring into the distresses 
 of the people. He repaired their huts, clothed their backs, 
 filled their bellies, and supplied them with necessaries for 
 exercising their industry and different occupations. 
 
 " I'll give you one instance now, as a specimen of his 
 character : he and I, strolling one day on the side of a 
 common, saw two boys picking hips and haws from the 
 hedges, one seemed to be about five, and the other a year 
 older ; they were both barefoot and ragged, but at the 
 same time fat, fair, and in good condition. ' Who do you 
 belong to ? ' said Mr. Greaves. ' To Mary Stile,' replied 
 the oldest, ' the widow that rents one of them housen.' 
 ' And how dost live, my boy ? Thou lookest fresh and 
 jolly,' resumed the squire. ' Lived well enough till yester- 
 day,' answered the child. ' And pray what happened 
 yesterday, my boy ? ' continued Mr. Greaves. ' Hap-
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 31 
 
 pened ! ' said he, ' why, mammy had a coople of little 
 Welsh keawes, that gi'en milk enough to fill all our bellies ; 
 mammy's, and mine, and Dick's here, and my two little 
 sisters' at hoam. Yesterday the squire seized the keawes 
 for rent, God rot'un ! Mammy's gone to bed sick and 
 sulky, my two sisters be crying at hoam vor vood, and Dick 
 and I be come hither to pick haws and bullies." 
 
 " My godfather's face grew red as scarlet ; he took one 
 of the children in either hand, and leading them towards 
 the house, found Sir Everhard talking with my father 
 before the gate. Instead of avoiding the old gentleman, 
 as usual, he brushed up to him with a spirit he had never 
 shown before, and presenting the two ragged boys, ' Surely, 
 sir,' said he, ' you will not countenance that there ruffian, 
 your steward, in oppressing the widow and fatherless ? On 
 pretence of distraining for the rent of a cottage, he has robbed 
 the mother of these and other poor infant-orphans of two 
 cows, which afforded them their whole sustenance. Shall 
 you be concerned in tearing the hard-earned morsel from 
 the mouth of indigence ? Shall your name, which has been 
 so long mentioned as a blessing, be now detested as a curse 
 by the poor, the helpless, and forlorn ? The father of these 
 babes was once your gamekeeper, who died of a consumption 
 caught in your service. You see they are almost naked. I 
 found them plucking haws and sloes, in order to appease 
 their hunger. The wretched mother is starving in a cold 
 cottage, distracted with the cries of other two infants, 
 clamorous for food ; and while her heart is bursting with 
 anguish and despair, she invokes Heaven to avenge the 
 widow's cause upon the head of her unrelenting landlord ! ' 
 
 " This unexpected address brought tears into the eyes 
 of the good old gentleman. ' Will Clarke,' said he to my 
 father, ' how durst you abuse my authority at this rate ? 
 You who know I have always been a protector, not an 
 oppressor of the needy and unfortunate. I charge you 
 go immediately and comfort this poor woman with imme- 
 diate relief ; instead of her own cows, let her have two of the 
 best milch cows of my dairy ; they shall graze in my parks
 
 32 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 in summer, and be foddered with my hay in winter. — 
 She shall sit rent free for life, and I will take care of these her 
 poor orphans.' 
 
 " This was a very affecting scene. Mr. Launcelot took his 
 father's hand and kissed it, while the tears ran down his 
 cheeks ; and Sir Everhard embraced his son with great 
 tenderness, crying, ' My dear boy ! God be praised for having 
 given you such a feeling heart.' My father himself was 
 moved, thof a practitioner of the law, and consequently 
 used to distresses. He declared that he had given no 
 directions to distrain, and that the bailiff must have done it 
 by his own authority. ' If that be the case,' said the young 
 squire, ' let the inhuman rascal be turned out of our service.' 
 " Well, gemmen, all the children were immediately clothed 
 and fed, and the poor widow had well-nigh run distracted 
 with joy. The old knight, being of a humane temper 
 himself, was pleased to see such proofs of his son's generosity. 
 He was not angry at his spending his money, but at squan- 
 dering away his time among the dregs of the people. For 
 you must know, he not only made matches, portioned poor 
 maidens, and set up young couples that came together 
 without money, but he mingled in every rustic diversion, 
 and bore away the prize in every contest. He excelled 
 every swain of that district in feats of strength and activity ; 
 in leaping, running, wrestling, cricket, cudgel-playing, and 
 pitching the bar ; and was confessed to be, out of sight, 
 the best dancer at all wakes and holidays. Happy was the 
 country-girl who could engage the young squire as her 
 partner ! To be sure, it was a comely sight for to see as 
 how the buxom country-lasses, fresh and fragrant and 
 blushing like the rose, in their best apparel dight, their 
 white hose, and clean short dimity petticoats, their gaudy 
 gowns of printed cotton, their top-knots and stomachers, 
 bedizened with bunches of ribbons of various colours, green, 
 pink, and yellow, to see them crowned with garlands, and 
 assembled on May-day, to dance before Squire Launcelot, as 
 he made his morning's progress through the village. Then 
 all the young peasants made their appearance with cockades,
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 33 
 
 suited to the fancies of their several sweethearts, and boughs 
 of flowering hawthorn. The children sported about like 
 flocks of frisking lambs, or the young fry swarming under 
 the sunny bank of some meandering river. The old men and 
 women, in their holiday garments, stood at their doors to 
 receive their benefactor, and poured forth blessings on him 
 as he passed. The children welcomed him with their shrill 
 shouts, the damsels with songs of praise, and the young 
 men, with the pipe and tabor, marched before him to the 
 Maypole, which was bedecked with flowers and bloom. 
 There the rural dance began. A plentiful dinner, with 
 oceans of good liquor, was bespoke at the White Hart. 
 The whole village was regaled at the squire's expense ; and 
 both the day and the night was spent in mirth and pleasure. 
 " Lord help you ! he could not rest if he thought there 
 was an aching heart in the whole parish. Every paltry 
 cottage was in a little time converted into a pretty, snug, 
 comfortable habitation, with a wooden porch at the door, 
 glass casements in the windows, and a little garden behind, 
 well stored with greens, roots, and salads. In a word, 
 the poor's rate was reduced to a mere trifle, and one would 
 have thought the golden age was revived in Yorkshire. 
 But, as I told you before, the old knight could not bear to 
 see his only son so wholly attached to these lowly pleasures, 
 while he industriously shunned all opportunities of ap- 
 pearing in that superior sphere to which he was designed 
 by nature and by fortune. He imputed his conduct to 
 meanness of spirit, and advised with my father touching the 
 properest expedient to wean his affections from such low- 
 born pursuits. My father counselled him to send the young 
 gentleman up to London, to be entered as a student in the 
 Temple, and recommended him to the superintendence 
 of some person who knew the town, and might engage 
 him insensibly in such amusements and connections as 
 would soon lift his ideas above the humble objects on which 
 they had been hitherto employed. 
 
 ' This advice appeared so salutary that it was followed 
 without the least hesitation. The young squire himself
 
 34 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 was perfectly well satisfied with the proposal ; and in a few 
 days he set out for the great city. But there was not a dry 
 eye in the parish at his departure, although he prevailed 
 upon his father to pay in his absence all the pensions he had 
 granted to those who could not live on the fruit of their 
 own industry. In what manner he spent his time in London 
 it is none of my business to inquire, thof I know pretty well 
 what kind of lives are led by gemmen of your Inns of Court. 
 I myself once belonged to Serjeants' Inn, and was perhaps 
 as good a wit and a critic as any Templar of them all. Nay, 
 as for that matter, thof I despise vanity, I can aver with a 
 safe conscience that I had once the honour to belong to the 
 society called the Town. We were all of us attorney's clerks, 
 gemmen, and had our meetings at an ale-house in Butcher 
 Row, where we regulated the diversions of the theatre. 
 
 " But to return from this digression : Sir Everhard 
 Greaves did not seem to be very well pleased with the 
 conduct of his son at London. He got notice of some 
 irregularities and scrapes into which he had fallen, and the 
 squire seldom wrote to his father, except to draw upon him 
 for money, which he did so fast that in eighteen months the 
 old gentleman lost all patience. 
 
 " At this period Squire Darnel chanced to die, leaving 
 an only daughter, a minor, heiress of three thousand a year, 
 under the guardianship of her Uncle Anthony, whose brutal 
 character all the world knows. The breath was no sooner 
 out of his brother's body than he resolved, if possible, to 
 succeed him in Parliament as representative for the borough 
 of Ashenton. Now you must know that this borough had 
 been for many years a bone of contention between the 
 families of Greaves and Darnel, and at length the difference 
 was compromised by the interposition of friends, on condition 
 that Sir Everhard and Squire Darnel should alternately 
 represent the place in Parliament. They agreed to this 
 compromise for their mutual convenience, but they were 
 never heartily reconciled. Their political principles did not 
 tally, and their wives looked upon each other as rivals in 
 fortune and magnificence. So that there was no intercourse
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 35 
 
 between them, thof they lived in the same neighbourhood. 
 On the contrary, in all disputes, they constantly headed the 
 opposite parties. Sir Everhard, understanding that Anthony 
 Darnel had begun to canvass, and was putting every iron in 
 the fire, in violation and contempt of the -pactum families 
 before mentioned, fell into a violent passion, that brought 
 on a severe fit of the gout, by which he was disabled from 
 giving personal attention to his own interest. My father, 
 indeed, employed all his diligence and address, and spared 
 neither money, time, nor constitution, till at length he 
 drank himself into a consumption, which was the death of 
 him. But, after all, there is a great difference between a 
 steward and a principal. Mr. Darnel attended in -propria 
 persona, flattered and caressed the women, feasted the elec- 
 tors, hired mobs, made processions, and scattered about his 
 money in such a manner that our friends durst hardly show 
 their heads in public. 
 
 " At this very crisis our young squire, to whom his father 
 had written an account of the transaction, arrived unex- 
 pectedly at Greavesbury Hall, and had a long private con- 
 ference with Sir Everhard. The news of his return spread 
 like wildfire through all that part of the country. Bonfires 
 were made, and the bells set a-ringing in several towns and 
 steeples, and next morning above seven hundred people were 
 assembled at the gate, with music, flags, and streamers, to 
 welcome their young squire, and accompany him to the 
 borough of Ashenton. He set out on foot with his retinue, 
 and entered one end of the town just as Mr. Darnel's mob 
 had come in at the other. Both arrived about the same 
 time at the market-place ; but Mr. Darnel, mounting first 
 into the balcony of the town-house, made a long speech to 
 the people in favour of his own pretensions, not without 
 some invidious reflections glanced at Sir Everhard, his 
 competitor. 
 
 ' We did not much mind the acclamations of his party, 
 which we knew had been hired for the purpose, but we were 
 in some pain for Mr. Greaves, who had not been used to 
 speak in public. He took his turn, however, in the balcony,
 
 36 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 and, uncovering his head, bowed all round with the most 
 engaging courtesy. He was dressed in a green frock, trimmed 
 with gold, and his own dark hair flowed about his ears in 
 natural curls, while his face was overspread with a blush, 
 that improved the glow of youth to a deeper crimson, and 
 I daresay set many a female heart a-palpitating. When he 
 made his first appearance, there was just such a humming 
 and clapping of hands as you may have heard when the 
 celebrated Garrick comes upon the stage in King Lear, or 
 King Richard, or any other top character. But how agreeably 
 were we disappointed when our young gentleman made such 
 an oration as would not have disgraced a Pitt, an Egmont, 
 or a Murray ! While he spoke, all was hushed in admiration 
 and attention ; you could have almost heard a feather drop 
 to the ground. It would have charmed you to hear with 
 what modesty he recounted the services which his father 
 and grandfather had done to the corporation ; with what 
 eloquence he expatiated upon the shameful infraction of 
 the treaty subsisting between the two families, and with 
 what keen and spirited strokes of satire he retorted the 
 sarcasms of Darnel. 
 
 " He no sooner concluded his harangue than there was 
 such a burst of applause as seemed to rend the very sky. 
 Our music immediately struck up, our people advanced with 
 their ensigns, and, as every man had a good cudgel, broken 
 heads would have ensued, had not Mr. Darnel and his party 
 thought proper to retreat with uncommon despatch. He 
 never offered to make another public entrance, as he saw 
 the torrent ran so violently against him, but sat down with 
 his loss, and withdrew his opposition, though at bottom 
 extremely mortified and incensed. Sir Everhard was unani- 
 mously elected, and appeared to be the happiest man upon 
 earth ; for besides the pleasure arising from his victory 
 over this competitor, he was now fully satisfied that his son, 
 instead of disgracing, would do honour to his family. It 
 would have moved a heart of stone to see with what a tender 
 transport of paternal joy he received his dear Launcelot, 
 after having heard of his deportment and success at Ashenton,
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 37 
 
 where, by the bye, he gave a ball to the ladies, and displayed 
 as much elegance and politeness as if he had been bred at 
 the court of Versailles. 
 
 " This joyous season was of short duration. In a little 
 time all the happiness of the family was overcast by a sad 
 incident, which hath left such an unfortunate impression 
 upon the mind of the young gentleman as, I am afraid, will 
 never be effaced. Mr. Darnel's niece and ward, the great 
 heiress, whose name is Aurelia, was the most celebrated 
 beauty of the whole country ; if I said the whole kingdom, 
 or indeed all Europe, perhaps I should barely do her justice. 
 I don't pretend to be a limner, gemmen, nor does it become 
 me to delineate such excellence, but surely I may presume 
 to repeat from the play — 
 
 Oh ! she is all that painting can express, 
 Or youthful poets fancy when they love ? 
 
 " At that time she might be about seventeen, tall and 
 fair, and so exquisitely shaped. You may talk of your Venus 
 de Medicis, your Dianas, your Nymphs, and Galateas, but 
 if Praxiteles, and Roubilliac, and Wilton were to lay their 
 heads together, in order to make a complete pattern of 
 beauty, they would hardly reach her model of perfection. 
 As for complexion, poets will talk of blending the lily with 
 the rose, and bring in a parcel of similes of cowslips, carna- 
 tions, pinks, and daisies. There's Dolly, now, has got a 
 very good complexion. Indeed, she's the very picture of 
 health and innocence — you are, indeed, my pretty lass ; but 
 ■parva componere magnis. Miss Darnel is all amazing beauty, 
 delicacy, and dignity ! Then the softness and expression 
 of her fine blue eyes, her pouting lips of coral hue, her neck, 
 that rises like a tower of polished alabaster between two 
 mounts of snow. I tell you what, gemmen, it don't signify 
 talking ; if e'er a one of you was to meet this young lady 
 alone, in the midst of a heath or common, or any unfre- 
 quented place, he would down on his knees, and think he 
 kneeled before some supernatural being. I'll tell you more: 
 she not only resembles an angel in beauty, but a saint in
 
 38 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 goodness, and a hermit in humility — so void of all pride 
 and affectation, so soft and sweet, and affable and humane ! 
 Lord ! I could tell such instances of her charity ! 
 
 " Sure enough, she and Sir Launcelot were formed by 
 nature for each other. Howsoever, the cruel hand of fortune 
 hath intervened, and severed them for ever. Every soul 
 that knew them both said it was a thousand pities but they 
 should come together, and extinguish, in their happy union, 
 the mutual animosity of the two families, which had so often 
 embroiled the whole neighbourhood. Nothing was heard 
 but the praises of Miss Aurelia Darnel and Mr. Launcelot 
 Greaves, and no doubt the parties were prepossessed, by 
 this applause, in favour of each other. At length Mr. 
 Greaves went one Sunday to her parish church, but though 
 the greater part of the congregation watched their looks, 
 they could not perceive that she took the least notice of him, 
 or that he seemed to be struck with her appearance. He 
 afterwards had an opportunity of seeing her, more at leisure, 
 at the York assembly during the races ; but this opportunity 
 was productive of no good effect, because he had that same 
 day quarrelled with her uncle on the turf. 
 
 " An old grudge, you know, gemmen, is soon inflamed 
 to a fresh rupture. It was thought Mr. Darnel came on 
 purpose to show his resentment. They differed about a 
 bet upon Miss Cleverlegs, and, in the course of the dispute, 
 Mr. Darnel called him a petulant boy. The young squire, 
 who was as hasty as gunpowder, told him he was man enough 
 to chastise him for his insolence, and would do it on the spot 
 if he thought it would not interrupt the diversion. In all 
 probability they would have come to points immediately, 
 had not the gentlemen interposed, so that nothing further 
 passed, but abundance of foul language on the part of Mr. 
 Anthony, and a repeated defiance to single combat. 
 
 a Mr. Greaves, making a low bow, retired from the field, 
 and in the evening danced at the assembly with a young 
 lady from the bishopric, seemingly in good temper and 
 spirits, without having any words with Mr. Darnel, who 
 was also present. But in the morning he visited that proud
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 39 
 
 neighbour betimes ; and they had almost reached a grove of 
 trees on the north side of the town, when they were suddenly 
 overtaken by half a dozen gentlemen, who had watched 
 their motions. It was in vain for them to dissemble their 
 design, which could not now take effect. They gave up 
 their pistols, and a reconciliation was patched up by the 
 pressing remonstrances of their common friends ; but Mr. 
 Darnel's hatred still rankled at bottom, and soon broke out 
 in the sequel. About three months after this transaction, 
 his niece Aurelia, with her mother, having been to visit a 
 lady in the chariot, the horses being young, and not used 
 to the traces, were startled at the braying of a jackass on 
 the common, and, taking fright, ran away with the carriage 
 like lightning. The coachman was thrown from the box, 
 and the ladies screamed piteously for help. Mr. Greaves 
 chanced to be a-horseback on the other side of an enclosure, 
 when he heard their shrieks, and riding up to the hedge, knew 
 the chariot, and saw their disaster. The horses were then 
 running full speed in such a direction as to drive headlong 
 over a precipice into a stone quarry, where they and the 
 chariot and the ladies must be dashed to pieces. 
 
 " You may conceive, gemmen, what his thoughts were 
 when he saw such a fine young lady, in the flower of her age, 
 just plunging into eternity ; when he saw the lovely Aurelia 
 on the brink of being precipitated among rocks, where her 
 delicate limbs must be mangled and torn asunder ; when 
 he perceived that, before he could ride round by the gate, 
 the tragedy would be finished. The fence was so thick and 
 high, flanked with a broad ditch on the outside, that he could 
 not hope to clear it, although he was mounted on Scipio, 
 bred out of Miss Cowslip, the sire Muley, and his grandsire 
 the famous Arabian Mustapha. Scipio was bred by my 
 father, who would not have taken a hundred guineas for 
 him from any other person but the young squire. Indeed, 
 1 have heard my poor father say " 
 
 By this time Ferret's impatience was become so outrageous 
 that he exclaimed in a furious tone, " D — n your father, and 
 his horse, and his colt into the bargain ! '"
 
 + o THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 Tom made no reply, but began to strip with great ex- 
 pedition. Captain Crowe was so choked with passion that 
 he could utter nothing but disjointed sentences. He rose 
 from his seat, brandished his horsewhip, and, seizing his 
 nephew by the collar, cried, " Odd's heartlikins ! sirrah, I 
 
 have a good mind Devil fire your running tackle, you 
 
 land-lubber ! Can't you steer without all this tacking hither 
 and thither, and the Lord knows whither ? 'Noint my 
 block ! I'd give thee a rope's end for thy supper if it 
 wan't " 
 
 Dolly had conceived a sneaking kindness for the young 
 lawyer, and thinking him in danger of being roughly handled, 
 flew to his relief. She twisted her hand in Crowe's neckcloth 
 without ceremony, crying, " Sha't then, I tell thee, old 
 codger — who kears a vig vor thy \oolish tantrums ? ' : 
 
 While Crowe looked black in the face, and ran the risk of 
 strangulation under the grip o f this Amazon, Mr. Clarke, 
 having disengaged himself of his hat, wig, coat, and waistcoat, 
 advanced in an elegant attitude of manual offence towards 
 the misanthrope, who snatched up a gridiron from the 
 chimney corner, and Discord seemed to clap her sooty wings 
 in expectation of battle. But as the reader may have more 
 than once already cursed the unconscionable length of this 
 chapter, we must postpone to the next opportunity the 
 incidents that succeeded this denunciation of war. 
 
 CHAPTER IV 
 
 In which it appears that the Knight, when heartily set in 
 for sleeping, was not easily disturbed. 
 
 In all probability the kitchen of the Black Lion, from a 
 domestic temple of society and good fellowship, would have 
 been converted into a scene or stage of sanguinary dispute, 
 had not Pallas, or Discretion, interposed in the person of 
 Mr. Fillet, and with the assistance of the ostler disarmed 
 the combatants, not only of their arms, but also of their 
 resentment.
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 41 
 
 The impetuosity of Mr. Clarke was a little checked at 
 sight of the gridiron, which Ferret brandished with un- 
 common dexterity ; a circumstance from whence the com- 
 pany were, upon reflection, induced to believe that before 
 he plunged into the sea of politics he had occasionally figured 
 in the character of that facetious droll, who accompanies 
 your itinerant physicians, under the familiar appellation of 
 Merry-Andrew, or Jack-pudding, and on a wooden stage 
 entertains the populace with a solo on the salt-box, or a 
 sonata on the tongs and gridiron. Be that as it may, the 
 young lawyer seemed to be a little discomposed at the 
 glancing of this extraordinary weapon of offence, which the 
 fair hands of Dolly had scoured, until it had shone as bright 
 as the shield of Achilles ; or as the emblem of good old 
 English fare, which hangs by a red ribbon round the neck 
 of that thrice-honoured sage's head, in velvet bonnet cased, 
 who presides by rotation at the genial board, distinguished 
 by the title of the Beef-steak Club : where the delicate 
 rumps irresistibly attract the stranger's eye, and, while they 
 seem to cry, " Come cut me — come cut me," constrain, by 
 wondrous sympathy, each mouth to overflow. Where the 
 
 obliging and humorous Jemmy B 1, the gentle Billy 
 
 H d, replete with human kindness, and the generous 
 
 Johnny B d, respected and beloved by all the world, 
 
 attend as the priests and ministers of mirth, good cheer, 
 and jollity, and assist with culinary art the raw, unpractised, 
 awkward guest. 
 
 But to return from this digressive simile. The ostler 
 no sooner stepped between those menacing antagonists 
 than Tom Clarke very quietly resumed his clothes, and Mr. 
 Ferret resigned the gridiron without further question. 
 The doctor did not find it quite so easy to release the throat 
 of Captain Crowe from the masculine grasp of the virago 
 Dolly, whose fingers could not be disengaged until the honest 
 seaman was almost at the last gasp. After some pause, 
 during which he panted for breath, and untied his neck- 
 cloth, " D — n thee, for a brimstone galley," cried he ; 
 ' I was never so grappled withal since I knew a card from
 
 42 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 a compass. Adzooks ! the jade has so tautened my rigging, 
 
 d'ye see, that I Snatch my bow-lines, if I come athwart 
 
 thy hawser, I'll turn thy keel upwards — or mayhap set thee 
 a-driving under thy bare poles — I will — I will, you hell-fire, 
 saucy — I will." 
 
 Dolly made no reply, but seeing Mr. Clarke sit down 
 again with great composure, took her station likewise at the 
 opposite side of the apartment. Then Mr. Fillet requested 
 the lawyer to proceed with his story, which, after three 
 hems, he accordingly prosecuted in these words : 
 
 " I told you, gemmen, that Mr. Greaves was mounted 
 on Scipio, when he saw Miss Darnel and her mother in danger 
 of being hurried over a precipice. Without reflecting a 
 moment, he gave Scipio the spur, and at one spring he cleared 
 five-and-twenty feet, over hedge and ditch and every 
 obstruction. Then he rode full speed, in order to turn 
 the coach-horses ; and, finding them quite wild and furious, 
 endeavoured to drive against the counter of the hither horse, 
 which he missed, and staked poor Scipio on the pole of the 
 coach. The shock was so great that the coach-horses 
 made a full stop within ten yards of the quarry, and Mr. 
 Greaves was thrown forwards towards the coach-box, 
 which mounting with admirable dexterity he seized the 
 reins before the horses could recover of their fright. At 
 that instant the coachman came running up, and loosed them 
 from the traces with the utmost despatch. Mr. Greaves 
 had now time to give his attention to the ladies, who were 
 well-nigh distracted with fear. He no sooner opened the 
 chariot door than Aurelia, with a wildness of look, sprang 
 into his arms, and, clasping him round the neck, fainted 
 away. I leave you to guess, gemmen, what were his feelings 
 at this instant. The mother was not so discomposed but 
 that she could contribute to the recovery of her daughter, 
 whom the young squire still supported in his embrace. At 
 length she retrieved the use of her senses, and, perceiving the 
 situation in which she was, the blood revisited her face with 
 a redoubled glow, while she desired him to set her down upon 
 the turf.
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 43 
 
 " Mrs. Darnel, far from being shy or reserved in her 
 compliments of acknowledgments, kissed Mr. Launcelot 
 without ceremony, the tears of gratitude running down her 
 cheeks ; she called him her dear son, her generous deliverer, 
 who, at the hazard of his own life, had saved her and her 
 child from the most dismal fate that could be imagined. 
 
 " Mr. Greaves was so much transported on this occasion 
 that he could not help disclosing a passion which he had 
 hitherto industriously concealed. ' What I have done,' 
 said he, ' was but a common office of humanity, which I 
 would have performed for any of my fellow-creatures ; but 
 for the preservation of Miss Aurelia Darnel, I would at any 
 time sacrifice my life with pleasure.' The young lady did 
 not hear this declaration unmoved. Her face was again 
 flushed, and her eyes sparkled with pleasure. Nor was 
 the youth's confession disagreeable to the good lady, her 
 mother, who, at one glance, perceived all the advantages 
 of such a union between the two families. 
 
 " Mr. Greaves proposed to send the coachman to his 
 father's stable for a pair of sober horses, that could be 
 depended upon, to draw the ladies home to their own 
 habitation ; but they declined the offer, and chose to walk, 
 as the distance was not great. He then insisted upon his 
 being their conductor, and, each taking him under the arm, 
 supported them to their own gate, where such an apparition 
 filled all the domestics with astonishment. Mrs. Darnel, 
 taking him by the hand, led him into the house, where she 
 welcomed him with another affectionate embrace, and 
 indulged him with an ambrosial kiss of Aurelia, saying, 
 ' But for you we had both been by this time in eternity. 
 Sure it was Heaven that sent you as an angel to our assist- 
 ance ! ' She kindly inquired if he had himself sustained 
 any damage in administering that desperate remedy to which 
 they owed their lives. She entertained him with a small 
 collation ; and in the course of the conversation lamented 
 the animosity which had so long divided two neighbouring 
 families of such influence and character. He was not slow 
 in signifying his approbation of her remarks, and expressing
 
 44 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 the most eager desire of seeing all those unhappy differences 
 removed. In a word, they parted with mutual satisfaction. 
 
 " just as he advanced from the outward gate, on his 
 return to Greavesbury Hall, he was met by Anthony Darnel 
 on horseback, who, riding up to him with marks of surprise 
 and resentment, saluted him with, ' Your servant, sir. 
 Have you any commands for me ? ' The other replying 
 with an air of indifference, ' None at all,' Mr. Darnel 
 asked what had procured him the honour of a visit. The 
 young gentleman, perceiving by the manner in which he 
 spoke that the old quarrel was not yet extinguished, 
 answered, with equal disdain, that the visit was not intended 
 for him, and that, if he wanted to know the cause of it, he 
 might inform himself by his own servants.' ' So I shall,' 
 cried the uncle of Aurelia ; ' and perhaps let you know my 
 sentiments of the matter.' ' Hereafter as it may be,' said 
 the youth, who, turning out of the avenue , walked home, 
 and made his father acquainted with the particulars of this 
 adventure. 
 
 " The old gentleman chid him for his rashness, but 
 seemed pleased with the success of his attempt ; and still 
 more so when he understood his sentiments of Aurelia 
 and the deportment of the ladies. 
 
 " Next day the son sent over a servant with a compliment 
 to inquire about their health, and the messenger, being seen 
 by Mr. Darnel, was told that the ladies were indisposed, 
 and did not choose to be troubled with messages. The 
 mother was really seized with a fever, produced by the 
 agitation of her spirits, which every day became more and 
 more violent, until the physicians despaired of her life. 
 Believing that her end approached, she sent a trusty servant 
 to Mr. Greaves, desiring that she might see him without 
 delay, and he immediately set out with the messenger, 
 who introduced him in the dark. 
 
 " He found the old lady in bed almost exhausted, and 
 the fair Aurelia sitting by her overwhelmed with grief, 
 her lovely hair in the utmost disorder, and her charming 
 eyes inflamed with weeping. The good lady beckoning
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 45 
 
 Mr. Launcelot to approach, and directing all the attendants 
 to quit the room, except a favourite maid, from whom I 
 learned the story, she took him by the hand, and fixing her 
 eyes upon him with all the fondness of a mother, shed some 
 tears in silence, while the same marks of sorrow trickled 
 down his cheeks. After this affecting pause, ' My dear son,' 
 said she, ' oh that I could have lived to see you so indeed ! 
 You find me hastening to the goal of life.' Here the tender- 
 hearted Aurelia, being unable to contain herself longer, 
 broke out into a violent passion of grief, and wept aloud. 
 The mother, waiting patiently till she had thus given vent 
 to her anguish, calmly entreated her to resign herself sub- 
 missively to the will of Heaven ; then turning to Mr. Launce- 
 lot, ' I had indulged,' said she, ' a fond hope of seeing you 
 allied to my family. This is no time for me to insist upon 
 the ceremonies and forms of a vain world. Aurelia looks 
 upon you with the eyes of tender prepossession.' No sooner 
 had she pronounced these words than he threw himself 
 on his knees before the young lady, and pressing her hand 
 to his lips, breathed the softest expressions which the most 
 delicate love could suggest. ' I know,' resumed the mother, 
 ' that your passion is mutually sincere, and I should die 
 satisfied if I thought your union would not be opposed ; 
 but that violent man, my brother-in-law, who is Aurelia's, 
 sole guardian, will thwart her wishes with every obstacle 
 that brutal resentment and implacable malice can contrive. 
 Mr. Greaves, I have long admired your virtues, and am 
 confident that I can depend upon your honour. You shall 
 give me your word, that when I am gone you will take no 
 steps in this affair without the concurrence of your father, 
 and endeavour, by all fair and honourable means, to vanquish 
 the prejudices, and obtain the consent of her uncle , the 
 rest we must leave to the dispensation of Providence.' 
 
 ' The squire promised, in the most solemn and fervent 
 manner, to obey all her injunctions, as the last dictates 
 of a parent whom he should never cease to honour. Then 
 she favoured them both with a great deal of salutary advice 
 touching their conduct before and after marriage, and
 
 46 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 presented him with a ring as a memorial of her affection ; 
 at the same time he pulled another off his finger, and made 
 a tender of it as a pledge of his love to Aurelia, whom her 
 mother permitted to receive this token. Finally, he took 
 a last farewell of the good matron, and returned to his 
 father with the particulars of this interview. 
 
 " In two days Mrs. Darnel departed this life, and Aurelia 
 was removed to the house of a relation, where her grief 
 had like to have proved fatal to her constitution. 
 
 " In the meantime the mother was no sooner committed 
 to the earth, than Mr. Greaves, mindful of her exhortations, 
 began to take measures for a reconciliation with the guardian. 
 He engaged several gentlemen to interpose their good offices, 
 but they always met with the most mortifying repulse, 
 and at last Anthony Darnel declared that his hatred to the 
 house of Greaves was hereditary, habitual, and unconquer- 
 able. He swore he would spend his heart's blood to perpe- 
 tuate the quarrel, and that, sooner than his niece should 
 match with young Launcelot, he would sacrifice her with his 
 own hand. 
 
 " The young gentleman, finding his prejudice so rancorous 
 and invincible, left off making any further advances, and, 
 since he found it impossible to obtain his consent, resolved 
 to cultivate the good graces of Aurelia, and wed her in 
 despite of her implacable guardian. He found means to 
 establish a literary correspondence with her as soon as her 
 grief was a little abated, and even to effect an interview, 
 after her return to her own house ; but he soon had reason 
 to repent of his indulgence. The uncle entertained spies 
 upon the young lady, who gave him an account of this 
 meeting, in consequence of which she was suddenly hurried 
 to some distant part of the country, which we never could 
 discover. 
 
 " It was then we thought Mr. Launcelot a little disordered 
 in his brain, his grief was so wild, and his passion so 
 impetuous. He refused all sustenance, neglected his person, 
 renounced his amusement , rode out in the rain, sometimes 
 bareheaded, strolled about the fields all night, and became
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 47 
 
 so peevish that none of the domestics durst speak to him 
 without the hazard of broken bones. Having played these 
 pranks for about three weeks, to the unspeakable chagrin 
 of his father, and the astonishment of all that knew him, 
 he suddenly grew calm, and his good-humour returned. 
 But this, as your seafaring people say, was a deceitful calm, 
 that soon ushered in a dreadful storm. 
 
 " He had long sought an opportunity to tamper with 
 some of Mr. Darnel's servants, who could inform him of 
 the place where Aurelia was confined ; but there was not 
 one about the family who could give him that satisfaction, 
 for the persons who accompanied her remained as a watch 
 upon her motions, and none of the other domestics were 
 privy to the transaction. All attempts proving fruitless, 
 he could no longer restrain his impatience, but throwing 
 himself in the way of the uncle, upbraided him in such harsh 
 terms, that a formal challenge ensued. They agreed to 
 decide their difference without witnesses, and one morning, 
 before sunrise, met on that very common where Mr. Greaves 
 had saved the life of Aurelia. The first pistol was fired 
 on each side without any effect, but Mr. Darnel's second 
 wounded the young squire in the flank ; nevertheless, having 
 a pistol in reserve, he desired his antagonist to ask his life. 
 The other, instead of submitting, drew his sword, and Mr. 
 Greaves, firing his piece into the air, followed his example. 
 The contest then became very hot, though of short con- 
 tinuance. Darnel being disarmed at the first onset, our 
 young squire gave him back the sword, which he was base 
 enough to use a second time against his conqueror. Such 
 an instance of repeated ingratitude and brutal ferocity 
 divested Mr. Greaves of his temper and forbearance. He 
 attacked Mr. Anthony with great fury, and at the first lunge 
 ran him up to the hilt, at the same time seized with his left 
 hand the shell of his enemy's sword, which he broke in 
 disdain. Mr. Darnel having fallen, the other immediately 
 mounted his horse, which he had tied to a tree before the 
 engagement, and, riding full speed to Ashenton, sent a 
 surgeon to Anthony's assistance. He afterwards ingenuously
 
 4 8 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 confessed all these particulars to his father, who was over- 
 whelmed with consternation, for the wounds of Darnel 
 were judged mortal ; and, as no person had seen the particu- 
 lars of the duel, Mr. Launcelot might have been convicted 
 of murder. 
 
 " On these considerations, before a warrant could be served 
 upon him, the old knight, by dint of the most eager entreaties, 
 accompanied with marks of horror and despair, prevailed 
 upon his son to withdraw himself from the kingdom until 
 such time as the storm should be overblown. Had his heart 
 been unengaged, he would have chosen to travel, but at this 
 period, when his whole soul was engrossed, and so violently 
 agitated by his passion for Aurelia, nothing but the fear of 
 seeing the old gentleman run distracted would have induced 
 him to desist from the pursuit of that young lady, far less 
 quit the kingdom where she resided. 
 
 " Well, then, gemmen, he repaired to Harwich, where 
 he embarked for Holland, from whence he proceeded to 
 Brussels, where he procured a passport from the French 
 king, by virtue of which he travelled to Marseilles, and there 
 took a tartan for Genoa. The first letter Sir Everhard 
 received from him was dated at Florence. Meanwhile the 
 surgeon's prognostic was not altogether verified. Mr. Darnel 
 did not die immediately of his wounds, but he lingered a long 
 time, as it were in the arms of death, and even partly re- 
 recovered, yet, in all probability, he will never be wholly 
 restored to the enjoyment of his health, and is obliged every 
 summer to attend the hot-well at Bristol. As his wounds 
 began to heal, his hatred to Mr. Greaves seemed to revive 
 with augmented violence, and he is now, if possible, more 
 than ever determined against all reconciliation. 
 
 " Mr. Launcelot, after having endeavoured to amuse his 
 imagination with a succession of curious objects, in a tour 
 of Italy, took up his residence at a town called Pisa, and 
 there fell into a deep melancholy, from which nothing could 
 rouse him but the news of his father's death 
 
 " The old gentleman, God rest his soul, never held up 
 his head after the departure of his darling Launcelot, and
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 49 
 
 the dangerous condition of Darnel kept up his apprehension. 
 This was reinforced by the obstinate silence of the youth, 
 and certain accounts of his disordered mind, which he had 
 received from some of those persons who take pleasure in 
 communicating disagreeable tidings. A complication of all 
 these grievances, co-operating with a severe fit of the gout, 
 and gravel, produced a fever, which, in a few days, brought 
 Sir Everhard to his long home, after he had settled his affairs 
 with heaven and earth, and made his peace with God and 
 man. I'll assure you, gemmen, he made a most edifying 
 and Christian end ; he died regretted by all his neighbours 
 except Anthony, and might be said to be embalmed by the 
 tears of the poor, to whom he was always a bounteous 
 benefactor. 
 
 " When the son, now Sir Launcelot, came home, he 
 
 appeared so meagre, wan, and hollow-eyed, that the servants 
 
 hardly knew their young master. His first care was to take 
 
 possession of his fortune, and settle accounts with the steward 
 
 who had succeeded my father. These affairs being discussed. 
 
 he spared no pains to get intelligence concerning Miss Darnel. 
 
 and soon learned more of that young lady than he desired 
 
 to know, for it was become the common talk of the country 
 
 that a match was agreed upon between her and young Squire 
 
 Sycamore, a gentleman of a very great fortune. These 
 
 tidings were probably confirmed under her own hand, in 
 
 a letter which she wrote to Sir Launcelot. The contents 
 
 were never exactly known but to the parties themselves ; 
 
 nevertheless, the effects were too visible, for, from that 
 
 blessed moment, he spoke not one word to any living creature 
 
 for the space of three days, but was seen sometimes to shed 
 
 a flood of tears, and sometimes to burst out into a fit of 
 
 laughing. At last he broke silence, and seemed to wake 
 
 from his disorder. He became more fond than ever of the 
 
 exercise of riding, and began to amuse himself again with 
 
 acts of benevolence. 
 
 " One instance of his generosity and justice deserves to be 
 recorded in brass or marble. You must know, gemmen, 
 the rector of the parish was lately dead, ;nd Sir Everhard
 
 50 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 had promised the presentation to another clergyman. In 
 the meantime, Sir Launcelot, chancing one Sunday to ride 
 through a lane, perceived a horse saddled and bridled, feeding 
 on the side of a fence, and, casting his eyes around, beheld 
 on the other side of the hedge an object lying extended on 
 the ground, which he took to be the body of a murdered 
 traveller. He forthwith alighted, and, leaping into the field, 
 descried a man at full length, wrapped in a greatcoat and 
 writhing in agony. Approaching nearer, he found it was 
 a clergyman, in his gown and cassock. When he inquired 
 into the case, and offered his assistance, the stranger rose up, 
 thanked him for his courtesy, and declared that he was now 
 very well. The knight, who thought there was something 
 mysterious in this incident, expressed a desire to know the 
 cause of his rolling in the grass in that manner, and the 
 clergyman, who knew his person, made no scruple in gratify- 
 ing his curiosity. ' You must know, sir,' said he, ' I serve 
 the curacy of your own parish, for which the late incumbent 
 paid me twenty pounds a year ; but this sum being scarce 
 sufficient to maintain my wife and children, who are five in 
 number, I agreed to read prayers in the afternoon at another 
 church, about four miles from hence, and for this additional 
 duty I receive ten pounds more. As I keep a horse, it was 
 formerly an agreeable exercise rather than a toil, but of late 
 years I have been afflicted with a rupture, for which I con- 
 sulted the most eminent operators in the kingdom ; but I 
 have no cause to rejoice in the effects of their advice, though 
 one of them assured me I was completely cured. The 
 malady is now more troublesome than ever, and often comes 
 upon me so violently while I am on horseback, that I am 
 forced to alight, and lie down upon the ground, until the 
 cause of the disorder can for the time be reduced.' 
 
 u Sir Launcelot not only condoled with him upon his 
 misfortune, but desired him to throw up the second cure, 
 and he would pay him ten pounds a year out of his own 
 pocket. ' Your generosity confounds me, good sir,' replied 
 the clerygman, ' and yet I ought not to be surprised at any 
 instance of benevolence in Sir Launcelot Greaves ; but I
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 51 
 
 will check the fulness of my heart. I shall only observe 
 that your good intention towards me can hardly take effect. 
 The gentleman, who is to succeed the late incumbent, has 
 given me notice to quit the premises, as he hath provided 
 a friend of his own for the curacy.' — ' What ! ' cried the 
 knight, ' does he mean to take your bread from you without 
 assigning any other reason ? ' — ' Surely, sir,' replied the 
 ecclesiastic, ' I know of no other reason. I hope my morals 
 are irreproachable, and that I have done my duty with a 
 conscientious regard. I may venture an appeal to the 
 parishioners, among whom I have lived these seventeen years. 
 After all, it is natural for every man to favour his own friends 
 in preference to strangers. As for me, I propose to try my 
 fortune in the great city, and I doubt not but Providence will 
 provide for me and my little ones.' 
 
 ' To this declaration Sir Launcelot made no reply, but, 
 riding home, set on foot a strict inquiry into the character 
 of this man, whose name was Jenkins. He found that he 
 was a reputed scholar, equally remarkable for his modesty 
 and good life ; that he visited the sick, assisted the needy, 
 compromised disputes among his neighbours, and spent his 
 time in such a manner as would have done honour to any 
 Christian divine. Thus informed, the knight sent for the 
 gentleman to whom the living had been promised, and 
 accosted him to this effect : ' Mr. Tootle, I have a favour 
 to ask of you. The person who serves the cure of this parish 
 is a man of good character, beloved by the people, and has 
 a large family. I shall be obliged to you if you will continue 
 him in the curacy.' The other told him he was sorry he 
 could not comply with his request, being that he had already 
 promised the curacy to a friend of his own. ' No matter,' 
 replied Sir Launcelot, ' since I have not interest with you, 
 I will endeavour to provide for Mr. Jenkins in some other 
 way.' 
 
 ' That same afternoon he walked over to the curate's 
 house, and told him that he had spoken in his behalf to 
 Dr. Tootle, but the curacy was pre-engaged. The good 
 man having made a thousand acknowledgments for the
 
 52 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 trouble his honour had taken, ' I have not interest sufficient 
 to make you curate,' said the knight, ' but I can give you 
 the living itself, and that you shall have.' So saying, he 
 retired, leaving Mr. Jenkins incapable of uttering one 
 syllable, so powerfully was he struck with this unexpected 
 turn of good fortune. The presentation was immediate!/ 
 made out, and in a few days Mr. Jenkins was put in possession 
 of his benefice, to the inexpressible joy of the congregation. 
 
 " Hitherto everything went right, and every unprejudiced 
 person commended the knight's conduct, but in a little 
 time his generosity seemed to overleap the bounds of dis- 
 cretion, and even in some cases might be thought tending 
 to a breach of the king's peace For example, he compelled, 
 vi et amis, a rich farmer's son to marry the daughter of a 
 cottager, whom the young fellow had debauched. Indeed, 
 it seems there was a promise of marriage in the case, though 
 it could not be legally ascertained. The wench took on 
 dismally, and her parents had recourse to Sir Launcelot, 
 who, sending for the delinquent, expostulated with him 
 severely on the injury he had done the young woman, and 
 exhorted him to save her life and reputation by performing 
 his promise, in which case he, Sir Launcelot, would give her 
 three hundred pounds to her portion. Whether the farmer 
 thought there was something interested in this uncommon 
 offer, or was a little elevated by the consciousness of his 
 father's wealth, he rejected the proposal with rustic disdain, 
 and said, if so be as how the wench would swear the child 
 to him, he would settle it with the parish ; but declared, 
 that no squire in the land should oblige him to buckle with 
 such a cracked pitcher. This resolution, however, he could 
 not maintain ; for in less than two hours the rector of the 
 parish had direction to publish the banns, and the ceremony 
 was performed in due course. 
 
 " Now, though we know not precisely the nature of the 
 arguments that were used with the farmer, we may conclude 
 they were of the minatory species, for the young fellow could 
 not, for some time, look any person in the face. 
 
 " The knight acted as the general redresser of grievances.
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 53 
 
 If a woman complained to him of being ill-treated by her 
 husband, he first inquired into the foundation of the com- 
 plaint, and, if he found it just, catechised the defendant. 
 If the warning had no effect, and the man proceeded to 
 fresh acts of violence, then his judge took the execution of 
 the law in his own hand, and horsewhipped the party. Thus 
 he involved himself in several law-suits, that drained him 
 of pretty large sums of money. He seemed particularly 
 incensed at the least appearance of oppression, and supported 
 divers poor tenants against the extortion of their landlords. 
 Nay, he has been known to travel two hundred miles as a 
 volunteer, to offer his assistance in the cause of a person 
 who he heard was by chicanery and oppression wronged of 
 a considerable estate. He accordingly took her under his 
 protection, relieved her distresses, and was at a vast expense 
 in bringing the suit to a determination ; which being un- 
 favourable to his client, he resolved to bring an appeal into 
 the House of Lords, and certainly would have executed his 
 purpose, if the gentlewoman had not died in the interim." 
 
 At this period Ferret interrupted the narrator, by ob- 
 serving that the said Greaves was a common nuisance, and 
 ought to be prosecuted on the statute of barratry. 
 
 " No, sir," resumed Mr. Clarke, " he cannot be convicted 
 of barratry, unless he is always at variance with some person 
 or other, a mover of suits and quarrels, who disturbs the 
 peace under colour of law. Therefore he is in the indict- 
 ment styled, Communis malefactor, calumniator, et seminator 
 litium." 
 
 " Pr'ythee, truce with thy definitions," cried Ferret, 
 " and make an end to thy long-winded story. Thou hast 
 no title to be so tedious, until thou comest to have a coif in 
 the Court of Common Pleas." 
 
 Tom smiled contemptuously, and had just opened his mouth 
 to proceed, when the company were disturbed by a hideous 
 repetition of groans, that seemed to issue from the chamber 
 in which the body of the squire was deposited. The land- 
 lady snatched the candle, and ran into the room, followed 
 by the doctor and the rest, and this accident naturally
 
 54 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 suspended the narration. In like manner we shall conclude 
 the chapter, that the reader may have time to breathe and 
 digest what he has already heard. 
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 In which this Recapitulation draws to a close. 
 
 When the landlady entered the room from whence the 
 groaning proceeded, she found the squire lying on his back, 
 under the dominion of the nightmare, which rode him so 
 hard that he not only groaned and snorted, but the sweat 
 ran down his face in streams. The perturbation of his 
 brain, occasioned by this pressure, and the fright he had 
 lately undergone, gave rise to a very terrible dream, in which 
 he fancied himself apprehended for a robbery. The horror 
 of the gallows was strong upon him, when he was suddenly 
 awaked by a violent shock from the doctor, and the company 
 broke in upon his view, still perverted by fear and bedimmed 
 by slumber. His dream was now realised by a full persuasion 
 that he was surrounded by the constable and his gang. The 
 first object that presented itself to his disordered view was 
 the figure of Ferret, who might very well have passed for 
 the finisher of the law ; against him, therefore, the first 
 effort of his despair was directed. He started upon the 
 floor, and seizing a certain utensil, that shall be nameless, 
 launched it at the misanthrope with such violence that had 
 he not cautiously slipped his head aside, it is supposed that 
 actual fire would have been produced from the collision of 
 two such hard and solid substances. All future mischief 
 was prevented by the strength and agility of Captain Crowe, 
 who, springing upon the assailant, pinioned his arms to his 
 sides, crying, " Oh, d — n ye, if you are for running a-head, 
 I'll soon bring you to your bearings." 
 
 The squire, thus restrained, soon recollected himself, and 
 gazing upon every individual in the apartment, " Wounds ! " 
 said he, " I've had an ugly dream. I thought, for all the
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 55 
 
 world, they were carrying me to Newgate, and that there 
 was Jack Ketch coom to vetch me before my taim." 
 
 Ferret, who was the person he had thus distinguished, 
 eyeing him with a look of the most emphatic malevolence, 
 told him it was very natural for a knave to dream of Newgate, 
 and that he hoped to see the day when his dream would be 
 found a true prophecy, and the commonwealth purged of 
 all such rogues and vagabonds. But it could not be expected 
 that the vulgar would be honest and conscientious, while 
 the great were distinguished by profligacy and corruption. 
 The squire was disposed to make a practical reply to this 
 insinuation, when Mr. Ferret prudently withdrew himself 
 from the scene of altercation. The good woman of the house 
 persuaded his antagonist to take out his nap, assuring him 
 that the eggs and bacon, with a mug of excellent ale, should 
 be forthcoming in due season. The affair being thus 
 fortunately adjusted, the guests returned to the kitchen, 
 and Air. Clarke resumed his story to this effect : 
 
 " You'll please to take notice, gemmen, that, besides 
 the instances I have alleged of Sir Launcelot's extravagant 
 benevolence, I could recount a great many others of the 
 same nature, and particularly the laudable vengeance he 
 took of a country lawyer. I'm sorry that any such miscreant 
 should belong to the profession. He was clerk of the 
 assize, gemmen, in a certain town, not a great way distant ; 
 and having a blank pardon left by the judges for some 
 criminals whose cases were attended with favourable circum- 
 stances, he would not insert the name of one who could 
 not procure a guinea for the fee ; and the poor fellow, who 
 had only stole an hour-glass out of a shoemaker's window, 
 was actually executed, after a long respite, during which 
 he had been permitted to go abroad, and earn his subsistence 
 by his daily labour. 
 
 " Sir Launcelot being informed of this barbarous act of 
 avarice, and having some ground that bordered on the 
 lawyer's estate, not only rendered him contemptible and 
 infamous, by exposing him as often as they met on the 
 grand jury, but also, being vested with the property of the
 
 56 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 great tithe, proved such a troublesome neighbour, sometimes 
 by making waste among his hay and corn, sometimes by 
 instituting suits against him for petty trespasses, that he was 
 fairly obliged to quit his habitation, and remove into another 
 part of the kingdom. 
 
 " All these avocations could not divert Sir Launcelot 
 from the execution of a wild scheme, which has carried his 
 extravagance to such a pitch that I am afraid, if a statute — 
 you understand me, gemmen — were sued, the jury would — I 
 don't choose to explain myself further on this circumstance. 
 Be that as it may, the servants at Greavesbury Hall were 
 not a little confounded, when their master took down from 
 the family armoury a complete suit of armour, which 
 belonged to his great-grandfather, Sir Marmaduke Greaves, 
 a great warrior who lost his life in the service of his king. 
 This armour being scoured, repaired, and altered, so as 
 to fit Sir Launcelot, a certain knight, whom I don't choose 
 to name, because I believe he cannot be proved compos mentis, 
 came down, seemingly on a visit, with two attendants ; and, 
 on the evening of the festival of St. George, the armour 
 being carried into the chapel, Sir Launcelot (Lord have 
 mercy upon us !) remained all night in that dismal place 
 atone, and without light, though it was confidently reported 
 all over the country, that the place was haunted by the 
 spirit of his great-great-uncle, who, being lunatic, had 
 cut his throat from ear to ear, and was found dead on the 
 communion table." 
 
 It was observed, that while Mr. Clarke rehearsed this 
 circumstance, his eyes began to stare and his teeth to chatter ; 
 while Dolly, whose looks were fixed invariably on this 
 narrator, growing pale, and hitching her joint-stool nearer 
 the chimney, exclaimed, in a frightened tone, " Moother, 
 moother, in the neame of God, look to 'un ! how a quakes ! 
 is I'm a precious saoul, a looks as if a saw something." Tom 
 forced a smile, and thus proceeded : 
 
 " While Sir Launcelot tarried within the chapel, with 
 the doors all locked, the other knight stalked round and 
 round it on the outside, with his sword drawn, to the terror
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 57 
 
 of divers persons who were present at the ceremony. As 
 soon as day broke he opened one of the doors, and going in 
 to Sir Launcelot, read a book for some time, which we did 
 suppose to be the constitutions of knight-errantry. Then 
 we heard a loud slap, which echoed through the whole 
 chapel, and the stranger pronounce, with an audible and 
 sslemn voice, ' In the name of God, St. Michael, and St. 
 George, I dub thee knight — be faithful, bold, and fortunate.' 
 You cannot imagine, gemmen, what an effect this strange 
 ceremony had upon the people who were assembled. They 
 gazed at one another in silent horror, and when Sir Launcelot 
 came forth completely armed, took to their heels in a body, 
 and fled with the utmost precipitation. I myself was over- 
 turned in the crowd, and this was the case with that very 
 individual person who now serves him as squire. He was 
 so frightened that he could not rise, but lay roaring in such 
 a manner that the knight came up and gave him a thwack 
 with his lance across the shoulders, which roused him with 
 a vengeance. For my own part I freely own I was not 
 unmoved at seeing such a figure come stalking out of a 
 church in the grey of the morning ; for it recalled to my 
 remembrance the idea of the ghost in Hamlet, which I 
 had seen acted in Drury Lane, when I made my first trip 
 to London, and I had not yet got rid of the impression. 
 
 " Sir Launcelot, attended by the other knight, proceeded 
 to the stable, from whence, with his own hands, he drew 
 forth one of his best horses, a fine mettlesome sorrel, who 
 had got blood in him, ornamented with rich trappings. 
 In a trice, the two knights, and the other two trangers, 
 who now appeared to be trumpeters, were mounted. Sir 
 Launcelot's armour was lacquered black, and on his shield 
 was represented the moon in her first quarter, with the 
 motto, Impleat orbem. The trumpets having sounded a 
 charge, the stranger pronounced with a loud voice, ' God 
 preserve this gallant knight in all his honourable achieve- 
 ments ; and may he long continue to press the sides of his 
 now adopted steed, which I denominate Bronzomarte, 
 hoping that he will rival in swiftness and spirit Bayardo,
 
 58 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 Brigliadoro, or any other steed of past or present chivalry ! " 
 After another flourish of the trumpets, all four clapped 
 spurs to their horses, Sir Launcelot couching his lance, 
 and galloped to and fro, as if they had been mad, to the terror 
 and astonishment of all the spectators. 
 
 " What should have induced our knight to choose this 
 here man for his squire is not easy to determine ; for, of all 
 the servants about the house, he was the least likely either 
 to please his master, or engage in such an undertaking. 
 His name is Timothy Crabshaw, and he acted in the capacity 
 of whipper-in to Sir Everhard. He afterwards married the 
 daughter of a poor cottager, by whom he has several children, 
 and was employed about the house as a ploughman and 
 carter. To be sure, the fellow has a dry sort of humour 
 about him ; but he was universally hated among the servants, 
 for his abusive tongue and perverse disposition, which often 
 brought him into trouble ; for, though the fellow is as strong 
 as an elephant, he has no more courage naturally than a 
 chicken ; I say naturally, because, since his being a member 
 of knight-errantry, he has done some things that appear 
 altogether incredible and preternatural. 
 
 " Timothy kept such a bawling, after he had received 
 the blow from Sir Launcelot, that everybody on the field 
 thought that some of his bones were broken ; and his 
 wife, with five bantlings, came snivelling to the knight, 
 who ordered her to send the husband directly to his house. 
 Tim accordingly went thither, groaning piteously all the 
 way, creeping along, with his body bent like a Greenland 
 canoe. As soon as he entered the court, the outward 
 door was shut, and Sir Launcelot, coming downstairs with 
 a horsewhip in his hand, asked what was the matter with 
 him that he complained so dismally ? To this question 
 he replied, that it was as common as duck-weed it: his 
 country for a man to complain when his bones were broken. 
 ' What should have broken your bones ? ' said the knight. 
 ' I cannot guess,' answered the other, ' unless it was that 
 delicate switch that your honour in your mad pranks handled 
 so dexterously upon my carcass.' Sir Launcelot then told
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 59 
 
 him there was nothing so good for a bruise as a sweat ; 
 and he had the remedy in his hand. Timothy, eyeing the 
 horsewhip askance, observed that there was another still 
 more speedy, to wit, a moderate pill of lead, with a sufficient 
 dose of gunpowder. ' No, rascal,' cried the knight ; ' that 
 must be reserved for your betters.' So saying, he employed 
 the instrument so effectually, that Crabshaw soon forgot 
 his fractured ribs, and capered about with great agility. 
 
 " When he had been disciplined in this manner to some 
 purpose, the knight told him he might retire, but ordered 
 him to return next morning, when he should have a repetition 
 of the medicine, provided he did not find himself capable 
 of walking in an erect posture. 
 
 " The gate was no sooner thrown open, than Timothy 
 ran home with all the speed of a greyhound, and corrected 
 his wife, by whose advice he had pretended to be so grievously 
 damaged in his person. 
 
 " Nobody dreamed that he would next day present himself 
 at Greavesbury Hall ; nevertheless, he was there very early 
 in the morning, and even closeted a whole hour altogether 
 with Sir Launcelot. He came out, making wry faces, and 
 several times slapped himself on the forehead, crying, 
 1 Bodikins ! thof he be crazy, I an't, that I an't ? ' When he 
 was asked what was the matter, he said, he believed the devil 
 had got in him, and he should never be his own man again. 
 
 " That same day the knight carried him to Ashenton, 
 where he bespoke those acccoutrements which he now 
 wears ; and while these were making, it was thought the 
 poor fellow would have run distracted. He did nothing but 
 growl, and curse and swear to himself, run backwards and 
 forwards between his own hut and Greavesbury Hall, and 
 quarrel with the horses in the stable. At length, his wife 
 and family were removed into a snug farmhouse, that hap- 
 pened to be empty, and care taken that they should be 
 comfortably maintained. 
 
 ' These precautions being taken, the knight, one morning, 
 at daybreak, mounted Bronzomartc, and Crabshaw, as his 
 squire, ascended the back of a clumsy cart-horse, called
 
 60 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 Gilbert. This, again, was looked upon as an instance of 
 insanity in the said Crabshaw ; for, of all the horses in the 
 stable, Gilbert was the most stubborn and vicious, and had 
 often like to have done mischief to Timothy while he drove 
 the cart and plough. When he was out of humour, he 
 would kick and plunge as if the devil was in him. He once 
 thrust Crabshaw into the middle of a quick-set hedge, 
 where he was terribly torn ; another time he canted him 
 over his head into a quagmire, where he stuck with his 
 heels up, and must have perished, if people had not been 
 passing that way ; a third time he seized him in the stable 
 with his teeth by the rim of the belly, and swung him off 
 the ground, to the great danger of his life ; and I'll be hanged, 
 if it was not owing to Gilbert, that Crabshaw was now thrown 
 into the river. 
 
 " Thus mounted and accoutred, the knight and his 
 squire set out on their first excursion. They turned off 
 from the common highway, and travelled all that day 
 without meeting anything worth recounting ; but, in the 
 morning of the second day, they were favoured with an 
 adventure. The hunt was upon a common through which 
 they travelled, and the hounds were in full cry after a fox, 
 when Crabshaw, prompted by his own mischievous dis- 
 position, and neglecting the order of his master, who called 
 aloud to him to desist, rode up to the hounds, and crossed 
 them at full gallop. The huntsman, who was not far off, 
 running towards the squire, bestowed upon his head such a 
 memento with his pole, as made the landscape dance before 
 his eyes ; and in a twinkling he was surrounded by all the 
 xox-hunters, who plied their whips about his ears with 
 infinite agility. Sir Launcelot, advancing at an easy pace, 
 instead of assisting the disastrous squire, exhorted his 
 adversaries to punish him severely for his insolence, and they 
 were not slow in obeying this injunction. Crabshaw, 
 finding himself in this disagreeable situation, and that there 
 was no succour to be expected from his master, on whose 
 prowess he had depended, grew desperate, and, clubbing 
 his whip, laid about him with great fury, wheeling about
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 61 
 
 Gilbert, who was not idle ; for he, having received some of 
 the favours intended for his rider, both bit with his teeth 
 and kicked with his heels ; and, at last, made his way through 
 the ring that encircled him, though not before he had broke 
 the huntsman's leg, lamed one of the best horses on the field, 
 and killed half a score of the hounds. 
 
 " Crabshaw, seeing himself clear of the fray, did not 
 tarry to take leave of his master, but made the most of his 
 way to Greavesbury Hall, where he appeared hardly with 
 any vestige of the human countenance, so much had he been 
 defaced in this adventure. He did not fail to raise a great 
 clamour against Sir Launcelot, whom he cursed as a coward 
 in plain terms, swearing he would never serve him another 
 day. But whether he altered his mind on cooler reflection, 
 or was lectured by his wife, who well understood her own 
 interest, he rose with the cock, and went again in quest of 
 Sir Launcelot, whom he found on the eve of a very hazardous 
 enterprise. 
 
 " In the midst of a lane, the knight happened to meet 
 with a party of about forty recruits, commanded by a 
 sergeant, a corporal, and a drummer, which last had his 
 drum slung at his back ; but seeing such a strange figure 
 mounted on a high-spirited horse, he was seized with an 
 inclination to divert his company. With this view he 
 braced his drum, and, hanging it in its proper position, 
 began to beat a point of war, advancing under the very nose 
 of Bronzomarte, while the corporal exclaimed, ' D — n my 
 eyes, who have we got here ? — old King Stephen, from 
 the horse armoury in the Tower, or the fellow that rides 
 armed at my Lord Mayor's show ? ' The knight's steed 
 seemed, at least, as well pleased with the sound of the drum, 
 as were the recruits that followed it ; and signified his 
 satisfaction in some curvetings and caprioles, which did not 
 at all discompose the rider, who, addressing himself to the 
 9ergeant, ' Friend,' said he, ' you ought to teach your 
 drummer better manners. I would chastise the fellow 
 on the spot for his insolence, were it not out of the respect 
 I bear to his majesty's service.' ' Respect mine a ! ' cried
 
 62 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 this ferocious commander. ' What, d'ye think to frighten 
 us with your pewter piss-pot on your skull, and your lacquered 
 pot-lid on your arm ? Get out of the way, and be d — ned, 
 or I'll raise with my halbert such a clutter upon your target, 
 that you'll remember it the longest day you have to live.' 
 At that instant, Crabshaw arriving upon Gilbert, ' So, 
 rascal,' said Sir Launcelot, ' you are returned. Go and beat 
 in that scoundrel's drum-head.' 
 
 " The squire, who saw no weapons of offence about the 
 drummer but a sword, which he hoped the owner durst not 
 draw, and being resolved to exert himself in making atone- 
 ment for his desertion, advanced to execute his master's 
 orders ; but Gilbert, who liked not the noise, refused to 
 proceed in the ordinary way. Then the squire, turning 
 his tail to the drummer, he advanced in a retrograde motion, 
 and with one kick of his heels not only broke the drum into 
 a thousand pieces, but laid the drummer in the mire, with 
 such a blow upon his hip-bone that he halted all the days 
 of his life. The recruits, perceiving the discomfiture of 
 their leader, armed themselves with stones, the sergeant 
 raised his halbert in a posture of defence, and immediately 
 a severe action ensued. By this time Crabshaw had drawn 
 his sword, and begun to lay about him like a devil incarnate ; 
 but, in a little time, he was saluted by a volley of stones, one 
 of which knocked out two of his grinders, and brought him 
 to the earth, where he had like to have found no quarter, 
 for the whole company crowded about him, with their 
 cudgels brandished ; and perhaps he owed his preservation 
 to their pressing so hard that they hindered one another 
 from using their weapons. 
 
 " Sir Launcelot, seeing with indignation the unworthy 
 treatment his squire had received, and scorning to stain his 
 lance with the blood of plebeians, instead of couching it at 
 the rest, seized it by the middle, and fetching one blow at 
 the sergeant, broke in twain the halbert which he had raised 
 as a quarter-staff for his defence. The second stroke en- 
 countered his pate, which being the hardest part about him, 
 sustained the shock without damage, but the third, lighting
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 63 
 
 on his ribs, he honoured the giver with immediate prostra- 
 tion. The general being thus overthrown, Sir Launcelot 
 advanced to the relief of Crabshaw, and handled his weapon 
 so effectually that the whole body of the enemy were disabled 
 or routed, before one cudgel had touched the carcass of the 
 fallen squire. As for the corporal, instead of standing by 
 his commanding officer, he had overleaped the hedge, and 
 run to the constable of an adjoining village for assistance. 
 Accordingly, before Crabshaw could be properly remounted, 
 the peace officer arrived with his posse, and by the corporal 
 was charged with Sir Launcelot and his squire as two high- 
 waymen. The constable, astonished at the martial figure 
 of the knight, and intimidated at sight of the havoc he had 
 made, contented himself with standing at a distance, dis- 
 playing the badge of his office, and reminding the knight 
 that he represented His Majesty's person. 
 
 " Sir Launcelot, seeing the poor man in great agitation, 
 assured him that his design was to enforce, not violate, the 
 laws of his country, and that he and his squire would attend 
 him to the next justice of peace ; but, in the meantime, he, 
 in his turn, charged the peace officer with the sergeant and 
 drummer, who had begun the fray. 
 
 " The justice had been a pettifogger, and was a sycophant 
 to a nobleman in the neighbourhood, who had a post at 
 court. He therefore thought he should oblige his patron 
 by showing his respect for the military ; but treated our 
 knight with the most boorish insolence, and refused to admit 
 him into his house until he had surrendered all his weapons 
 of offence to the constable. Sir Launcelot and his squire 
 being found the aggressors, the justice insisted upon making 
 out t heir mittimus if they did not find bail immediately; 
 and could hardly be prevailed upon to agree that they should 
 remain at the house of the constable, who, being a publican, 
 undertook to keep them in safe custody, until the knight 
 could write to his steward. Meanwhile he was bound over 
 to the peace, and the sergeanc with his drummer were told 
 they had a good action against him for assault and battery, 
 cither by information or indictment.
 
 64 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 " They were not, however, so fond of the law as the justice 
 seemed to be. Their sentiments had taken a turn in favour 
 of Sir Launcelot, during the course of his examination, by 
 which it appeared that he was really a gentleman of fashion 
 and fortune ; and they resolved to compromise the affair 
 without the intervention of his worship. Accordingly, the 
 sergeant repaired to the constable's house, where the knight 
 was lodged, and humbled himself before his honour, pro- 
 testing, with many oaths, that, if he had known his quality, 
 he would have beaten the drummer's brains about his ears 
 for presuming to give his honour or his horse the least dis- 
 turbance, thof the fellow, he believed, was sufficiently 
 punished in being a cripple for life. 
 
 " Sir Launcelot admitted of his apologies, and taking 
 compassion on the fellow who had suffered so severely for 
 his folly, resolved to provide for his maintenance. Upon 
 the representation of the parties to the justice the warrant 
 was next day discharged, and the knight returned to his own 
 house, attended bv the sergeant and the drummer mounted 
 on horseback, the recruits being left to the corporal's charge. 
 
 " The halberdier found the good effects of Sir Launcelot's 
 liberality, and his companion being rendered unfit for his 
 majesty's service by the heels of Gilbert is now entertained 
 at Greavesbury Hall, where he will probably remain for life. 
 
 " As for Crabshaw, his master gave him to understand 
 that if he did not think him pretty well chastised for his 
 presumption and flight, by the discipline he had undergone 
 in the last two adventures, he would turn him out of his 
 service with disgrace. Timothy said he believed it would 
 be the greatest favour he could do him to turn him out of 
 a service in which he knew he should be rib-roasted every 
 day, and murdered at last. 
 
 " In this situation were things at Greavesbury Hall about 
 a month ago, when I crossed the country to Ferrybridge, 
 where I met my uncle. Probably this is the first incident 
 of their second excursion, for the distance between this here 
 house and Sir Launcelot's estate does not exceed fourscore 
 or ninety miles."
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 65 
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 
 In which the Reader will perceive that in some Cases 
 Madness is catching. 
 
 Mr. Clarke having made an end of his narrative, the surgeon 
 thanked him for the entertainment he had received, and 
 Mr. Ferret shrugged up his shoulders in silent disapprobation. 
 As for Captain Crowe, who used at such pauses to pour in a 
 broadside of dismembered remarks, linked together like 
 chain-shot, he spoke not a syllable for some time, but, 
 lighting a fresh pipe at the candle, began to roll such volu- 
 minous clouds of smoke as in an instant filled the whole 
 apartment, and rendered himself invisible to the whole 
 company. Though he thus shrouded himself from their 
 view, he did not long remain concealed from their hearing. 
 They first heard a strange dissonant cackle, which the doctor 
 knew to be a sea-laugh, and this was followed by an eager 
 exclamation of " Rare pastime, strike my yards and top- 
 masts ! — I've a good mind — why shouldn't — many a losing 
 voyage I've — smite my taffrel but I wool " 
 
 By this time he had relaxed so much in his fumigation, 
 that the tip of his nose and one eye reappeared ; and as he 
 had drawn his wig forwards, so as to cover his whole forehead, 
 the figure that now saluted their eyes was much more 
 ferocious and terrible than the fire-breathing chimera of 
 the ancients. Notwithstanding this dreadful appearance, 
 there was no indignation in his heart, but, on the contrary, 
 an agreeable curiosity, which he was determined to gratify. 
 
 Addressing himself to Mr. Fillot, " Pr'ythee, doctor," 
 said he, " canst tell whether a man, without being rated a 
 lord or a baron, or what d'ye call um, d'ye see, mayn't take 
 to the highway in the way of a frolic, d'ye see ? Adad ! 
 for my own part, brother, I'm resolved as how to cruise a 
 bit in the way of an arrant — if so be as I can't at once be 
 commander, mayhap I may be bore upon the books as a petty 
 officer or the like, d ye see ? " 
 
 " Now, the Lord forbid ! " cried Clarke, with tears in his 
 
 5
 
 66 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 eyes. " I'd rather see you dead than brought to such a 
 dilemma." " Mayhap thou wouldst," answered the uncle, 
 " for then, my lad, there would be some picking — aha ! dost 
 thou tip me the traveller, my boy ? " Tom assured him 
 he scorned any such mercenary views. " I am only con- 
 cerned," said he, " that you should take any step that might 
 tend to the disgrace of yourself or your family ; and I say 
 again I had rather die than live to see you reckoned any 
 otherwise than compos." " Die and be d — ned ! you sham- 
 bling half-timber'd son of a ," cried the choleric Crowe. 
 
 " Dost talk to me of keeping a reckoning and compass ? I 
 could keep a reckoning and box my compass long enough 
 before thy keel-stone was laid. Sam Crowe is not come 
 here to ask thy counsel how to steer his course." " Lord ! 
 sir," resumed the nephew, " consider what people will say. 
 All the world will think you mad." " Set thy heart at ease, 
 Tom," cried the seaman, " I'll have a trip to and again in 
 this here channel. Mad ! what then ? I think for my part 
 one half of the nation is mad — and the other not very sound. 
 I don't see why I han't as good a right to be mad as another 
 man. But, doctor, as I was saying, I'd be bound to you, 
 if you would direct me where I can buy that same tackle 
 that an arrant must wear. As for the matter of the long 
 pole, headed with iron, I'd never desire better than a good 
 boat-hook, and could make a special good target of that there 
 tin sconce that holds the candle. Mayhap any blacksmith 
 will hammer me a skull-cap, d'ye see, out of an old brass 
 kettle, and I can call my horse by the name of my ship, which 
 was Mufti" 
 
 The surgeon was one of those wags who can laugh inwardly, 
 without exhibiting the least outward mark of mirth or 
 satisfaction. He at once perceived the amusement which 
 might be drawn from this strange disposition of the sailor, 
 together with the most likely means which could be used 
 to divert him from such an extravagant pursuit. He there- 
 fore tipped Clarke the wink with one side of his face, while 
 the other was very gravely turned to the captain, whom he 
 addressed to thsi effect. " It is not far from hence to
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 67 
 
 Sheffield, where you might be fitted completely in half a 
 day — then you must wake your armour in church or chapel, 
 and be dubbed. As for this last ceremony, it may be per- 
 formed by any person whatsoever. Don Quixote was dubbed 
 by his landlord, and there are many instances on record of 
 errants obliging and compelling the next person they met 
 to cross their shoulders and dub them knights. I myself 
 would undertake to be your godfather, and I have interest 
 enough to procure the keys of the parish church that stands 
 hard by ; besides, this is the eve of St. Martin, who was 
 himself a knight errant, and therefore a proper patron to a 
 novitiate. I wish we could borrow Sir Launcelot's armour 
 for the occasion." 
 
 Crowe, being struck with this hint, started up, and laying 
 his fingers on his lips to enjoin silence, walked off softly on 
 his tiptoes to listen at the door of our knight's apartment 
 and judge whether or not he was asleep. Mr. Fillet took 
 this opportunity to tell his nephew that it would be in vain 
 for him to combat this humour with reason and argument, 
 but the most effectual way of diverting him from the plan 
 of knight-errantry would be to frighten him heartily while 
 he should keep his vigil in the church, towards the accom- 
 plishment of which purpose he craved the assistance of the 
 misanthrope as well as the nephew. Clarke seemed to relish 
 the scheme, and observed that his uncle, though endued 
 with courage enough to face any human danger, had at 
 bottom a strong fund of superstition, which he had acquired, 
 or at least improved, in the course of a sea-life. Ferret, who 
 perhaps would not have gone ten paces out of his road to 
 save Crowe from the gallows, nevertheless engaged as an 
 auxiliary, merely in hope of seeing a fellow-creature miser- 
 able, and even undertook to be the principal agent in this 
 adventure. For this office indeed he was better qualified 
 than they could have imagined. In the bundle which he 
 kept under his greatcoat, there was, together with divers 
 nostrums, a small vial of liquid phosphorus, sufficient, as he 
 had already observed, to frighten a whole neighbourhood 
 out of their senses.
 
 68 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 In order to concert the previous measures without being 
 overheard, these confederates retired with a candle and 
 lantern into the stable ; and their backs were scarce turned 
 when Captain Crowe came in loaded with pieces of the 
 knight's armour, which he had conveyed from the apartment 
 of Sir Launcelot, whom he had left fast asleep. 
 
 Understanding that the rest of the company were gone 
 out for a moment, he could not resist the inclination he felt 
 of communicating his intention to the landlady, who, with 
 her daughter, had been too much engaged in preparing 
 Crabshaw's supper to know the purport of their conversation. 
 The good woman, being informed of the captain's design 
 to remain alone all night in the church, began to oppose it 
 with all her rhetoric. She said it was setting his Maker at 
 defiance, and a wilful running into temptation. She assured 
 him that all the country knew that the church was haunted 
 by spirits and hobgoblins ; that lights had been seen in every 
 corner of it, and a tall woman in white had one night appeared 
 upon the top of the tower ; that dreadful shrieks were often 
 heard to come from the south aisle, where a murdered man 
 had been buried ; that she herself had seen the cross on the 
 steeple all a-fire, and one evening as she passed a-horseback 
 close by the stile at the entrance into the churchyard, the 
 horse stood still, sweating and trembling, and had no power 
 to proceed, until she had repeated the Lord's Prayer. 
 
 These remarks made a strong impression on the imagina- 
 tion of Crowe, who asked in some confusion if she had got 
 that same prayer in print ? She made no answer, but 
 reaching the Prayer-Book from a shelf, and turning up the 
 leaf, put it into his hand ; then the captain, having adjusted 
 his spectacles, began to read, or rather spell aloud, with equal 
 eagerness and solemnity. He had refreshed his memory so 
 well as to remember the whole, when the doctor, returning 
 with his companions, gave him to understand that he had 
 procured the key of the chancel, where he might watch his 
 armour as well as in the body of the church, and that he was 
 ready to conduct him to the spot. Crowe was not now 
 quite so forward as he had appeared before to achieve this
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 69 
 
 adventure. He began to start objections with respect to 
 the borrowed armour, he wanted to stipulate the comforts 
 of a can of flip and a candle's end during his vigil, and hinted 
 something of the damage he might sustain from your 
 malicious imps of darkness. 
 
 The doctor told him the constitutions of chivalry abso- 
 lutely required that he should be left in the dark alone, 
 and fasting, to spend the night in pious meditations ; but 
 if he had any fears which disturbed his conscience, he had 
 much better desist, and give up all thoughts of knight- 
 errantry, which could not consist with the least shadow 
 of apprehension. The captain, stung by this remark, 
 replied not a word, but gathering up the armour into a 
 bundle, threw it on his back, and set out for the place of 
 probation, preceded by Clarke with the lantern. When 
 they arrived at the church, Fillet, who had procured the 
 key from the sexton, who was his patient, opened the door, 
 and conducted our novice into the middle of the chancel, 
 where the armour was deposited. Then bidding Crowe 
 draw his hanger, committed him to the protection of Heaven, 
 assuring him he would come back, and find him either 
 dead or alive by daybreak, and perform the remaining part 
 of the ceremony. So saying, he and the other associates 
 shook him by the hand and took their leave, after the surgeon 
 had tilted up the lantern to take a view of his visage, which 
 was pale and haggard. 
 
 Before the door was locked upon him, he called aloud, 
 " Hilloa ! doctor, hip — another word, d'ye see." They 
 forthwith returned to know what he wanted, and found 
 him already in a sweat. " Hark ye, brother," said he, 
 wiping his face, " I do suppose as how one may pass away 
 the time in whistling the Black Joke, or singing Black-eyed 
 Susan, or some such sorrowful ditty." " By no means," 
 cried the doctor ; " such pastimes are neither suitable to 
 the place, nor the occasion, which is altogether a religious 
 exercise. If you have got any psalms by heart, you may 
 sing a stave or two, or repeat the Doxology." — " Would 
 I had Tom Laverick here," replied our novitiate ; " he
 
 70 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 would sing your anthems like a seamew — a had been a clerk 
 a-shore — many's the time and often I've given him a rope's 
 end for singing psalms in the larboard watch. Would I 
 had hired the son of a b — h to have taught me a cast of his 
 office — but it cannot be holp, brother — if we can't go 
 large, we must haul up a wind, as the saying is ; if we can't 
 sing, we must pray." The company again left him to his 
 devotion, and returned to the public-house, in order to 
 execute the essential part of their project. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 In which the Knight resumes his Importance. 
 
 Doctor Fillet having borrowed a couple of sheets from 
 the landlady, dressed the misanthrope and Tom Clarke 
 in ghostly apparel, which was reinforced by a few drops 
 of liquid phosphorus, from Ferret's vial, rubbed on the 
 foreheads of the two adventurers. Thus equipped, they 
 returned to the church with their conductor, who entered 
 with them softly at an aisle which was opposite to a place 
 where the novice kept watch. They stole unperceived 
 through the body of the church ; and though it was so 
 dark that they could not distinguish the captain with the 
 eye, they heard the sound of his steps, as he walked backwards 
 and forwards on the pavement with uncommon expedition, 
 and an ejaculation now and then escaped in a murmur 
 from his lips. 
 
 The triumvirate having taken their station with a large 
 pew in their front, the two ghosts uncovered their heads, 
 which by the help of the phosphorus exhibited a pale and 
 lambent flame, extremely dismal and ghastly to the view ; 
 then Ferret in a squeaking tone, exclaimed, " Samuel Crowe ! 
 Samuel Crowe ! " The captain hearing himself accosted 
 in this manner, at such a time, and in such a place, replied, 
 " Hilloah " ; and turning his eyes towards the quarter 
 whence the voice seemed to proceed, beheld the terrible
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 71 
 
 apparition. This no sooner saluted his view than his hair 
 bristled up, his knees began to knock, and his teeth to chatter, 
 while he cried aloud, " In the name of God, where are 
 you bound, ho ? " To this hail the misanthrope answered, 
 " We are the spirits of thy grandmother Jane and thy aunt 
 Bridget." 
 
 At mention of these names, Crowe's terrors began to give 
 way to his resentment, and he pronounced in a quick tone 
 of surprise, mixed with indignation, " What d'ye want ? 
 what d'ye want ? what d'ye want, ho ? " The spirit 
 replied, " We are sent to warn thee of thy fate." " From 
 whence, ho ? " cried the captain, whose choler had by this 
 time well-nigh triumphed over his fear. " From heaven," 
 said the voice. " Ye lie, ye b — s of hell ! " did our novice 
 exclaim ; " ye are d — ned for heaving me out of my right, 
 five fathom and a half by the lead, in burning brimstone. 
 Don't I see the blue flames come out of your hawse holes ? — 
 mayhap you may be the devil himself, for aught I know — 
 but I trust in the Lord, d'ye see — I never disrated a kinsman, 
 d'ye see, so don't come alongside of me — put about on 
 th'other tack, d'ye see — you need not clap hard a-weather, 
 for you'll soon get to hell again with a flowing sail." 
 
 So saying, he had recourse to his Paternoster ; but per- 
 ceiving the apparitions approach, he thundered out, " Avast 
 — avast — sheer off, ye babes of hell, or I'll be foul of your 
 forelights." He accordingly sprang forwards with his 
 hanger, and very probably would have set the spirits on 
 their way to the other world, had he not fallen over a pew 
 in the dark, and entangled himself so much among the 
 benches, that he could not immediately recover his footing. 
 The triumvirate took this opportunity to retire ; and such 
 was the precipitation of Ferret in his retreat, that he en- 
 countered a post by which his right eye sustained considerable 
 damage ; a circumstance which induced him to inveigh 
 bitterly against his own folly, as well as the impertinence 
 of his companions, who had inveigled him into such a 
 troublesome adventure. Neither he nor Clarke could be 
 prevailed upon to revisit the novice. The doctor himself
 
 72 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 thought his disease was desperate ; and, mounting his 
 horse, returned to his own habitation. 
 
 Ferret, finding all the beds in the public-house were 
 occupied, composed himself to sleep in a Windsor chair 
 at the chimney corner ; and Mr. Clarke, whose disposition 
 was extremely amorous, resolved to renew his practices on 
 the heart of Dolly. He had reconnoitred the apartments 
 in which the bodies of the knight and his squire were 
 deposited, and discovered close by the top of the staircase 
 a sort of a closet or hovel, just large enough to contain a 
 truckle bed, which, from some other particulars, he supposed 
 to be the bedchamber of his beloved Dolly, who had by this 
 time retired to her repose. Full of this idea, and instigated 
 by the demon of desire, Mr. Thomas crept softly upstairs, 
 and lifting the latch of the closet door, his heart began to 
 palpitate with joyous expectation ; but before he could 
 breathe the gentle effusions of his love, the supposed damsel 
 started up and seizing him by the collar with a Herculean 
 grip, uttered, in the voice of Crabshaw, " It wan't for 
 nothing that I dreamed of Newgate, sirrah ; but I'd have 
 thee to know, an arrant squire is not to be robbed by such 
 a peddling thief as thee — here I'll howld thee vast, an the 
 devil were in thy doublet — help ! murder ! vire ! help ! " 
 
 It was impossible for Mr. Clarke to disengage himself, 
 and equally impracticable to speak in his own vindication ; 
 so that here he stood trembling and half throttled, until 
 the whole house being alarmed, the landlady and her ostler 
 ran upstairs with a candle. When the light rendered objects 
 visible, an equal astonishment prevailed on all sides ; Crab- 
 shaw was confounded at sight of Mr. Clarke, whose person 
 he well knew ; and releasing him instantly from his grasp, 
 " Bodikins ! " cried he, " I believe as how this hause is 
 haunted — who thought to meet with Measter Laawyer 
 Clarke at midnight, and so far from hoam ? " The landlady 
 could not comprehend the meaning of this encounter ; 
 nor could Tom conceive how Crabshaw had transported 
 himself thither from the room below, in which he saw him 
 quietly reposed. Yet nothing was more easy than to explain
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 73 
 
 this mystery : the apartment below was the chamber 
 which the hostess and her daughter reserved for their own 
 convenience ; and this particular having been intimated 
 to the squire while he was at supper, he had resigned his 
 bed quietly, and been conducted hither in the absence of 
 the company. Tom, recollecting himself as well as he could, 
 professed himself of Crabshaw's opinion, that the house 
 was haunted, declaring that he could not well account 
 for his being there in the dark ; and leaving those that 
 were assembled to discuss this knotty point, retired down- 
 stairs in hope of meeting with his charmer, whom accordingly 
 he found in the kitchen just risen, and wrapped in a loose 
 dishabille. 
 
 The noise of Crabshaw's cries had awakened and aroused 
 his master, who, rising suddenly in the dark, snatched up 
 his sword that lay by his bedside, and hastened to the scene 
 of tumult, where aU their mouths were opened at once, 
 to explain the cause of the disturbance, and make an apology 
 for breaking his honour's rest. He said nothing, but taking 
 the candle in his hand, beckoned his squire to follow him 
 into his apartment, resolving to arm and take horse imme- 
 diately. Crabshaw understood his meaning ; and while 
 he shuffled on his clothes, yawning hideously all the while, 
 wished the lawyer at the devil for having visited him so 
 unseasonably, and even cursed himself for the noise he had 
 made, in consequence of which he foresaw he should now 
 be obliged to forfeit his night's rest, and travel in the dark, 
 exposed to the inclemencies of the weather. " Pox rot 
 thee, Tom Clarke, for a wicked lawyer ! " said he to himself ; 
 " hadst thou been hanged at Bartlemy-tide, I should this 
 night have slept in peace, that I should — an I would there 
 was a blister on this plaguy tongue of mine for making such 
 a hollo-ballo, that I do — five gallons of cold water has my 
 poor belly been drenched with since night fell, so as my 
 reins and my liver are all one as if they were turned into 
 ice, and my whole harslet shakes and shivers like a vial of 
 quicksilver. I have been dragged, half-drowned like a 
 rotten ewe, from the bottom of a river ; and who knows
 
 74 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 but I may be next dragged quite dead from the bottom of 
 a coal-pit — if so be as I am, I shall go to hell to be sure, for 
 being consarned like in my own moorder, that I will, so 
 I will ; for, a plague on it ! I had no business with the 
 vagaries of this crazy-peated measter of mine, a pox on 
 him, say I." 
 
 He had just finished this soliloquy as he entered the 
 apartment of his master, who desired to know what was 
 become of his armour. Timothy, understanding that it 
 had been left in the room when the knight undressed, began 
 to scratch his head in great perplexity, and at last declared 
 it as his opinion that it must have been carried off by 
 witchcraft. Then he related his adventure with Tom 
 Clarke, who he said was conveyed to his bedside he knew 
 not how ; and concluded with affirming they were no 
 better than Papishes who did not believe in witchcraft. 
 Sir Launcelot could not help smiling at his simplicity ; 
 but assuming a peremptory air, he commanded him to 
 fetch the armour without delay, that he might afterwards 
 saddle the horses, in order to prosecute their journey. 
 
 Timothy retired in great tribulation to the kitchen, 
 where, finding the misanthrope, whom the noise had also 
 disturbed, and, still impressed with the notion of his being 
 a conjurer, he offered him a shilling if he would cast a figure, 
 and let him know what was become of his master's armour. 
 
 Ferret, in hope of producing more mischief, informed 
 him without hesitation, that one of the company had 
 conveyed it into the chancel of the church, where he would 
 now find it deposited ; at the same time presenting him 
 with the key, which Mr. Fillet had left in his custody. 
 
 The squire, who was none of those who set hobgoblins 
 at defiance, being afraid to enter the church alone at these 
 hours, bargained with the ostler to accompany and light 
 him with a lantern. Thus attended, he advanced to the 
 place where the armour lay in a heap, and loaded it upon 
 the back of his attendant without molestation, the lance 
 being shouldered over the whole. In this equipage they 
 were just going to retire, when the ostler, hearing a noise
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 75 
 
 at some distance, wheeled about with, such velocity, that 
 one end of the spear saluting Crabshaw's pate, the poor 
 squire measured his length on the ground ; and, crushing 
 the lantern in his fall, the light was extinguished. The 
 other, terrified at these effects of his own sudden motion, 
 threw down his burden, and would have betaken himself 
 to flight, had not Crabshaw laid fast hold on his leg, that 
 he himself might not be deserted. The sound of the pieces 
 clattering on the pavement roused Captain Crowe from a 
 trance or slumber, in which he had lain since the apparition 
 vanished ; and he hallooed, or rather bellowed, with vast 
 vociferation. Timothy and his friend were so intimidated 
 by this terrific strain, that they thought no more of the 
 armour, but ran home arm in arm, and appeared in the 
 kitchen with all the marks of horror and consternation. 
 
 When Sir Launcelot came forth wrapped in his cloak, 
 and demanded his arms, Crabshaw declared that the devil 
 had them in possession ; and this assertion was confirmed 
 by the ostler, who pretended to know the devil by his roar. 
 Ferret sat in his corner, maintaining the most mortifying 
 silence, and enjoying the impatience of the knight, who 
 in vain requested an explanation of this mystery. At length 
 his eyes began to lighten, when, seizing Crabshaw in one 
 hand, and the ostler in the other, he swore by Heaven 
 he would dash their souls out, and raze the house to the 
 foundation, if they did not instantly disclose the particulars 
 of this transaction. The good woman fell on her knees, 
 protesting, in the name of the Lord, that she was innocent 
 as the child unborn, thof she had lent the captain a Prayer- 
 Book to learn the Lord's prayer, a candle and lantern to 
 light him to the church, and a couple of clean sheets, for 
 the use of the other gentlemen. The knight was more and 
 more puzzled by this declaration ; when Mr. Clarke, coming 
 into the kitchen, pfesented himself with a low obeisance to 
 his old patron. 
 
 Sir Launcclot's anger was immediately converted into 
 surprise. He set at liberty the squire and the ostler, and 
 stretching out his hand to the lawyer, " My good friend
 
 76 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 Clarke," said he, " how came you hither ? Can you solve 
 this knotty point which has involved us all in such confu- 
 sion ? " 
 
 Tom forthwith began a very circumstantial recapitulation 
 of what had happened to his uncle ; in what manner he had 
 been disappointed of the estate, how he had accidentally seen 
 his honour, been enamoured of his character, and become 
 ambitious of following his example. Then he related the 
 particulars of the plan which had been laid down to divert 
 him from his design, and concluded with assuring the knight 
 that the captain was a very honest man, though he seemed 
 to be a little disordered in his intellects. " I believe it," 
 replied Sir Launcelot ; " madness and honesty are not 
 incompatible — indeed, I feel it by experience." 
 
 Tom proceeded to ask pardon, in his uncle's name, for 
 having made so free with the knight's armour, and begged 
 his honour, for the love of God, would use his authority 
 with Crowe, that he might quit all thoughts of knight- 
 errantry, for which he was by no means qualified ; for, 
 being totally ignorant of the laws of the land, he would be 
 continually committing trespasses, and bring himself into 
 trouble. He said, in case he should prove refractory, he 
 might be apprehended by virtue of a friendly warrant, for 
 having feloniously carried off the knight's accoutrements. 
 " Taking away another man's movables," said he, " and 
 personal goods against the will of the owner, is furtum and 
 felony according to the statute. Different indeed from 
 robbery, which implies putting in fear in the king's highway, 
 in alta via regia violenter et felonice caftum et asportatum, 
 in magnum terrorem, etc., for if the robbery be laid in the 
 indictment, as done in quadam via pedestri, in a footpath, 
 the offender will not be ousted of his clergy. It must be 
 in alta via regia, and your honour will please to take notice, 
 that robberies committed on the river Thames are adjudged 
 as done in alta via regia, for the king's highstream is all 
 the same as the king's highway." 
 
 Sir Launcelot could not help smiling at Tom's learned 
 investigation. He congratulated him on the progress he
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 77 
 
 had made in the study of the law. He expressed his concern 
 at the strange turn the captain had taken, and promised to 
 use his influence in persuading him to desist from the pre- 
 posterous design he had formed. 
 
 The lawyer, thus assured, repaired immediately to the 
 church, accompanied by the squire, and held a parley with 
 his uncle, who, when he understood that the knight in person 
 desired a conference, surrendered up the arms quietly, and 
 returned to the public-house. 
 
 Sir Launcelot received the honest seaman with his usual 
 complacency, and perceiving great discomposure in his 
 looks, said he was sorry to hear he had passed such a dis- 
 agreeable night to so little purpose. Crowe, having recruited 
 his spirits with a bumper of brandy, thanked him for his 
 concern, and observed, that he had passed many a hard 
 night in his time, but such another as this he would not be 
 bound to weather for the command of the whole British 
 navy. " I have seen Davy Jones in the shape of a blue flame, 
 d'ye see, hopping to and fro on the sprit-sail yardarm ; and 
 I've seen your Jacks-o'-the-Lanthorn and Wills-o'-the-Wisp, 
 and many such spirits, both by sea and land. But to-night 
 I've been boarded by all the devils and d — ned souls in 
 hell, squeaking and squalling, and glimmering and glaring. 
 Bounce went the door — crack went the pew — crash came the 
 tackle — white-sheeted ghosts dancing in one corner by the 
 glow-worm's light — black devils hobbling in another — Lord 
 have mercy upon us ! and I was hailed, Tom, I was, by my 
 grandmother Jane, and my Aunt Bridget, d'ye see — a couple 
 of d — n'd — but they're roasting ; that's one comfort, my 
 lad." 
 
 When he had thus disburdened his conscience, Sir 
 Launcelot introduced the subject of the new occupation 
 at which he aspired. " I understand," said he, " that you 
 are desirous of treading the paths of errantry, which, I assure 
 you, are thorny and troublesome. Nevertheless, as your 
 purpose is to exercise your humanity and benevolence, so 
 your ambition is commendable. But towards the practice 
 of chivalry, there is something more required than the
 
 78 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 virtues of courage and generosity. A knight-errant ought 
 to understand the sciences, to be master of ethics or morality, 
 to be well versed in theology, a complete casuist, and minutely 
 acquainted with the laws of his country. He should not 
 only be patient of cold, hunger, and fatigue, righteous, just, 
 and valiant, but also chaste, religious, temperate, polite, and 
 conversable, and have all his passions under the rein, except 
 love, whose empire he should submissively acknowledge." 
 He said this was the very essence of chivalry, and no man 
 had ever made such a profession of arms, without first having 
 placed his affection upon some beauteous object, for whose 
 honour, and at whose command, he would cheerfully en- 
 counter the most dreadful perils. 
 
 He took notice, that nothing could be more irregular than 
 the manner in which Crowe had attempted to keep his vigil. 
 For he had never served his novitiate — he had not prepared 
 himself with abstinence and prayer — he had not provided 
 a qualified godfather for the ceremony of dubbing — he had 
 no armour of his own to wake ; but, on the very threshold of 
 chivalry, which is the perfection of justice, had unjustly 
 purloined the arms of another knight. That this was a mere 
 mockery of a religious institution, and therefore unpleasing 
 in the sight of Heaven — witness the demons and hobgoblins 
 that were permitted to disturb and torment him in his trial. 
 
 Crowe, having listened to these remarks with earnest 
 attention, replied after some hesitation, " I am bound to 
 you, brother, for your kind and Christian counsel. I doubt 
 as how I've steered by a wrong chart, d'ye see. As for the 
 matter of the sciences, to be sure I know Plain Sailing and 
 Mercator, and am an indifferent good seaman, thof I say it 
 that should not say it. But as to all the rest, no better than 
 the viol-block or the geer-capstan. Religion I han't much 
 overhauled, and we tars laugh at your polite conversation, 
 thof, mayhap, we can chaunt a few ballads to keep the hands 
 awake in the night watch ; then for chastity, brother, I 
 doubt that's not expected in a sailor just come ashore after 
 a long voyage — sure all those poor hearts won't be d — ned 
 for steering in the wake of nature. As for a sweetheart, Bet
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 79 
 
 Mizen of St. Catherine's would fit me to a hair. She and I 
 are old messmates, and what signifies talking, brother, she 
 knows already the trim of my vessel, d'ye see." He con- 
 cluded with saying he thought he wa'n't too old to learn, 
 and if Sir Launcelot would take him in tow as his tender, he 
 would stand by him all weathers, and it should not cost his 
 consort a farthing's expense. 
 
 The knight said he did not think himself of consequence 
 enough to have such a pupil, but should always be ready to 
 give him his best advice ; as a specimen of which, he exhorted 
 him to weigh all the circumstances, and deliberate calmly 
 and leisurely, before he actually engaged in such a boisterous 
 profession, assuring him that if, at the end of three months, 
 his resolution should continue, he would take upon himself 
 the office of his instructor. In the meantime he gratified 
 the hostess for his lodging, put on his armour, took leave 
 of the company, and, mounting Bronzomarte, proceeded 
 southerly, being attended by his squire Crabshaw, grumbling, 
 on the back of Gilbert. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII 
 
 Which is within a hair's-breadth of preying highly 
 interesting. 
 
 Leaving Captain Crowe and his nephew for the present, 
 thou h they, and even the misanthrope, will reappear in 
 due season, we are now obliged to attend the progress of the 
 knight, who proceeded in a southerly direction, insensible of 
 the storm that blew, as well as of the darkness, which was 
 horrible. For some time Crabshaw ejaculated curses in 
 silence, till at length his anger gave way to his fear, which 
 waxed so strong upon him that he could no longer resist the 
 desire of alleviating it, by entering into a conversation with 
 his master. By way of introduction he gave Gilbert the 
 spur, directing him towards the flank of Bronzomarte, which 
 lie encountered with such a shock that the knight was almost 
 dismounted.
 
 80 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 When Sir Launcelot, with some warmth, asked the reason 
 of this attack, the squire replied in these words : " The 
 devil, God bless us ! mun be playing his pranks with Gilbert 
 too, as sure as I'm a living soul. I'se wager a teaster, the 
 foul fiend has left the seaman, and got into Gilbert, that he 
 has. When a has passed through an ass and a horse, I'se 
 marvel what beast a will get into next." — " Probably into 
 a mule," said the knight ; " in that case, you will be in some 
 danger, but I can at any time dispossess you with a horse- 
 whip." — " Ay, ay," answered Timothy, " your honour has 
 a mortal good hand at giving a flap with a fox's tail, as the 
 saying is. 'Tis a wonderment you did not try your hand on 
 that there wiseacre that stole your honour's harness, and 
 wants to be an arrant with a murrain to 'un. Lord help his 
 fool's head ! it becomes him as a sow doth a cart saddle." — 
 " There is no guilt in infirmity," said the knight ; " I punish 
 the vicious only." — " I would your honour would punish 
 Gilbert then," cried the squire, " for 'tis the most vicious 
 tuoad that ever I laid a leg over But as to that same sea- 
 faring man, what may his distemper be ? " 
 
 " Madness," answered Sir Launcelot. — " Bodikins," ex- 
 claimed the squire, " I doubt as how other volks are leame 
 of the same leg. But it an't vor such small gentry as he to 
 be mad ; they mun leave that to their betters." — " You 
 seem to hint at me, Crabshaw. Do you really think I am 
 mad ? " — " I may say as how I have looked your honour in 
 the mouth, and a sorry dog should I be if I did not know 
 your humours as well as I know e'er a beast in the steable 
 at Greavesbury Hall." — " Since you are so well acquainted 
 with my madness," said the knight, " what opinion have 
 you of yourself, who serve and follow a lunatic ? " — " I hope 
 I han't served your honour for nothing, but I shall inherit 
 some of your cast vagaries — when your honour is pleased to 
 be mad, I should be very sorry to be found right in my 
 senses. Timothy Crabshaw will never eat the bread of 
 unthankfulness. It shall never be said of him that he was 
 wiser than his measter. As for the matter of following a 
 madman, we may see your honour's face is made of a fiddle ;
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 81 
 
 every one that looks on you loves you." This compliment 
 the knight returned by saying, " If my face is a fiddle, 
 Crabshaw, your tongue is a fiddlestick that plays upon it — 
 yet your music is very disagreeable — you don't keep time." 
 — " Nor you neither, measter," cried Timothy, " or we 
 shouldn't be here wandering about under a cloud of night, 
 like sheep-stealers or evil spirits with troubled consciences." 
 Here the discourse was interrupted by a sudden disaster, 
 in consequence of which the squire uttered an inarticulate 
 roar, that startled the knight himself, who was very little 
 subject to the sensation of fear. But his surprise was changed 
 into vexation when he perceived Gilbert without a rider 
 passing by, and kicking his heels with great agility. He 
 forthwith turned his steed, and riding back a few paces, 
 found Crabshaw rising from the ground. When he asked 
 what was become of his horse, he answered in a whimpering 
 tone, " Horse ! would I could once see him fairly carrion 
 for the hounds ! For my part I believe as how 'tis no horse, 
 but a devil incarnate, and yet I've been worse mounted, that 
 I have — I'd like to have rid a horse that was foaled of an 
 acorn." 
 
 This accident happened in a hollow way, overshadowed 
 with trees, one of which the storm had blown down, so that 
 it lay over the road, and one of its boughs projecting hori- 
 zontally encountered the squire as he trotted along in the 
 dark. Chancing to hitch under his long chin, he could not 
 disengage himself, but hung suspended like a flitch of bacon ; 
 while Gilbert, pushing forward, left him dangling, and, by 
 his awkward gambols, seemed to be pleased with the joke. 
 This capricious animal was not retaken without the personal 
 endeavours of the knight ; for Crabshaw absolutely refusing 
 to budge a foot from his honour's side, he was obliged to 
 alight and fasten Bronzomarte to a tree. Then they set out 
 together, and, with some difficulty, found Gilbert with his 
 neck stretched over a five-barred gate, snuffing up the 
 morning air. The squire, however, was not remounted 
 without first having undergone a severe reprehension from 
 his master, who upbraided him with his cowardice, threatened 
 
 6
 
 82 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 to chastise him. on the spot, and declared that he would 
 divorce his dastardly soul from his body should he ever be 
 incommoded or affronted with another instance of his 
 baseborn apprehension. 
 
 Though there was some risk in carrying on the altercation 
 at this juncture, Timothy, having bound up his jaws, could 
 not withstand the inclination he had to confute his master. 
 He therefore, in a muttering accent, protested that if the 
 knight would give him leave, he should prove that his honour 
 had tied a knot with his tongue which he could not untie 
 with all his teeth. " How, caitiff ! " cried Sir Launcelot, 
 " presume to contend with me in argument ? " — " Your 
 mouth is scarce shut," said the other, " since you declared 
 that a man was not to be punished for madness, because it 
 was a distemper. Now I will maintain that cowardice is 
 a distemper as well as madness, for nobody would be afraid 
 if he could help it." — " There is more logic in that remark," 
 resumed the knight, " than I expected from your clod-pate, 
 Crabshaw. But I must explain the difference between 
 cowardice and madness. Cowardice, though sometimes the 
 effect of natural imbecility, is generally a prejudice of edu- 
 cation, or bad habit contracted from misinformation, or 
 misapprehension, and may certainly be cured by experience 
 and the exercise of reason. But this remedy cannot be 
 applied in madness, which is a privation or disorder of reason 
 itself." 
 
 " So is cowardice, as I'm a living soul," exclaimed the 
 squire. " Don't you say a man is frightened out of his 
 senses ? For my peart, measter, I can neither see nor hear, 
 much less argufy, when I'm in such a quandary. Wherefore 
 I do believe, odds bodikins ! that cowardice and madness 
 are both distempers, and differ no more than the hot and 
 cold fits of an ague. When it teakes your honour, you're 
 all heat, and fire, and fury, Lord bless us ! but when it 
 catches poor Tim he's cold and dead-hearted, he sheakes 
 and shivers like an aspen leaf, that he does." — " In that 
 case," answered the knight, " I shall not punish you for the 
 distemper which you cannot help, but for engaging in a
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 83 
 
 service exposed to perils when you knew your own infirmity ; 
 in the same manner as a man deserves punishment who 
 enlists himself for a soldier while he labours under any secret 
 disease." — " At that rate," said the squire, " my bread is 
 like to be rarely buttered o' both sides, i'faith. But, I hope, 
 as by the blessing of God I have run mad, so I shall in good 
 time grow valiant, under your honour's precept and example." 
 
 By this time a very disagreeable night was succeeded by 
 a fair bright morning, and a market-town appeared at the 
 distance of three or four miles, when Crabshaw, having no 
 longer the fear of hobgoblins before his eyes, and being 
 moreover cheered by the sight of a place where he hoped 
 to meet with comfortable entertainment, began to talk big, 
 to expatiate on the folly of being afraid, and finally set all 
 danger at defiance ; when all of a sudden he was presented 
 with an opportunity of putting in practice those new- 
 adopted maxims. In an opening between two lanes they 
 perceived a gentleman's coach stopped by two highwaymen 
 on horseback, one of whom advanced to reconnoitre and 
 keep the coast clear, while the other exacted contribution 
 from the travellers in the coach. He who acted as sentinel, 
 no sooner saw our adventurer appearing from the lane than 
 he rode up with a pistol in his hand, and ordered him to halt 
 on pain of immediate death. 
 
 To this peremptory mandate the knight made no other 
 reply than charging him with such impetuosity that he was 
 unhorsed in a twinkling, and lay sprawling on the ground, 
 seemingly sore bruised with his fall. Sir Launcelot, com- 
 manding Timothy to alight and secure the prisoner, couched 
 his lance, and rode full speed at the other highwayman, who 
 was not a little disturbed at sight of such an apparition. 
 Nevertheless, he fired his pistol without effect, and, clapping 
 spurs to his horse, fled away at full gallop. The knight 
 pursued him with all the speed that Bronzomarte could 
 exert ; but the robber, being mounted on a swift hunter, 
 kept him at a distance, and, after a chase of several miles, 
 escaped through a wood so entangled with coppice, that 
 Sir Launcelot thought proper to desist. He then, for the
 
 84 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 first time, recollected the situation in which he had left the 
 other thief, and, remembering to have heard a female shriek, 
 as he passed by the coach window, resolved to return with 
 all expedition, that he might make a proffer of his service 
 to the lady, according to the obligation of knight-errantry. 
 But he had lost his way, and after an hour's ride, during 
 which he traversed many a field, and circled divers hedges, 
 he found himself in the market-town aforementioned. Here 
 the first object that presented itself to his eyes was Crabshaw, 
 on foot, surrounded by a mob, tearing his hair, stamping 
 with his feet, and roaring out in manifest distraction, " Show 
 me the mayor ! for the love of God, show me the mayor ! — 
 O Gilbert, Gilbert ! a murrain take thee, Gilbert ! sure 
 thou wast foaled for my destruction ! " 
 
 From these exclamations, and the antique dress of the 
 squire, the people, not without reason, concluded that the 
 poor soul had lost his wits, and the beadle was just going to 
 secure him when the knight interposed, and at once attracted 
 the whole attention of the populace. Timothy, seeing his 
 master, fell down on his knees, crying, " The thief has run 
 away with Gilbert — you may pound me into a peast, as the 
 saying is. But now I'se as mad as your worship, I an't 
 afeard of the divil and all his works." Sir Launcelot desiring 
 the beadle would forbear, was instantly obeyed by that 
 officer, who had no inclination to put the authority of his 
 place in competition with the power of such a figure, armed 
 at all points, mounted on a fiery steed, and ready for the 
 combat. He ordered Crabshaw to attend him to the next 
 inn, where he alighted ; then, taking him into a separate 
 apartment, demanded an explanation of the unconnected 
 words he had uttered. 
 
 The squire was in such agitation that, with infinite diffi- 
 culty, and by dint of a thousand different questions, his 
 master learned the adventure to this effect. Crabshaw, 
 acccording to Sir Launcelot's command, had alighted from 
 his horse, and drawn his cutlass, in hope of intimidating the 
 discomfited robber into a tame surrender, though he did 
 not at all relish the nature of the service. But the thief
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 85 
 
 was neither so much hurt nor so tame as Timothy had 
 imagined. He started on his feet with his pistol still in his 
 hand, and presenting it to the squire, swore with dreadful 
 imprecations that he would blow his brains out in an instant. 
 Crabshaw, unwilling to hazard the trial of this experiment, 
 turned his back and fled with great precipitation ; while the 
 robber, whose horse had run away, mounted Gilbert, and 
 rode off across the country. It was at this period that two 
 footmen belonging to the coach, who had stayed behind to 
 take their morning's whet at the inn where they lodged, 
 came up to the assistance of the ladies, armed with blunder- 
 busses, and the carriage proceeded, leaving Timothy alone 
 in distraction and despair. He knew not which way to turn, 
 and was afraid of remaining on the spot, lest the robbers 
 should come back and revenge themselves upon him for the 
 disappointment they had undergone. In this distress, the 
 first thought that occurred was to make the best of his way 
 to the town and demand the assistance of the civil magistrate 
 towards the retrieval of what he had lost ; a design which 
 he executed in such a manner as justly entailed upon him 
 the imputation of lunacy. 
 
 While Timothy stood fronting the window, and answering 
 the interrogations of his master, he suddenly exclaimed, 
 " Bodikins ! there's Gilbert ! " and sprang into the street 
 with incredible agility. There finding his strayed com- 
 panion brought back by one of the footmen who attended 
 the coach, he imprinted a kiss on his forehead, and, hanging 
 about his neck, with the tears in his eyes, hailed his return 
 with the following salutation : " Art thou come back, my 
 darling ? Ah, Gilbert, Gilbert ! a pize upon thee ! thou 
 hadst like to have been a dear Gilbert to me ! How couldst 
 thou break the heart of thy old friend who has known thee 
 from a colt ? Seven years next grass have I fed thee and 
 bred thee, provided thee with sweet hay, delicate corn, and 
 fresh litter, that thou mought lie warm, dry, and comfort- 
 able. Han't I currycombed thy carcass till it was as sleek 
 as a sloe, and cherished thee as the apple of mine eye ? for 
 all that thou hast played me a hundred dog's tricks — biting,
 
 86 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 and kicking, and plunging, as if the devil was in thy body ; 
 and now thou couldst run away with a thief, and leave me 
 to be flayed alive by measter. What canst thou say for 
 thyself, thou cruel, hard-hearted, un-Christian tuoad ? " To 
 this tender expostulation, which afforded much entertain- 
 ment to the boys, Gilbert answered not one word, but 
 seemed altogether insensible to the caresses of Timothy, 
 who forthwith led him into the stable. On the whole, he 
 seems to have been an unsocial animal, for it does not appear 
 that he ever contracted any degree of intimacy even with 
 Bronzomarte, during the whole course of their acquaintance 
 and fellowship. On the contrary, he has been more than 
 once known to signify his aversion, by throwing out behind, 
 and other eruptive marks of contempt for that elegant 
 charger, who excelled him as much in personal merit as his 
 rider Timothy was outshone by his all-accomplished master. 
 
 While the squire accommodated Gilbert in the stable, 
 the knight sent for the footman who had brought him back, 
 and, having presented him with a liberal acknowledgment, 
 desired to know in what manner the horse had been 
 retrieved. 
 
 The stranger satisfied him in this particular, by giving 
 him to understand that the highwayman, perceiving himself 
 pursued across the country, plied Gilbert so severely with 
 whip and spur that the animal resented the usage, and being 
 besides, perhaps, a little struck with remorse for having left 
 his old friend Crabshaw, suddenly halted, and stood stock 
 still, notwithstanding all the stripes and tortures he under- 
 went, or, if he moved at all, it was in a retrograde direction. 
 The thief, seeing all his endeavours ineffectual, and himself 
 in danger of being overtaken, wisely quitted his acquisition, 
 and fled into the bosom of a neighbouring wood. 
 
 Then the knight inquired about the situation of the lady 
 in the coach, and offered himself as her guard and conductor, 
 but was told that she was already safely lodged in the house 
 of a gentleman at some distance from the road. He likewise 
 learned that she was a person disordered in her senses, under 
 the care and tuition of a widow lady, her relation, and that
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 87 
 
 in a day or two they should pursue their journey northward 
 to the place of her habitation. «■ 
 
 After the footman had been some time dismissed, the 
 knight recollected that he had forgotten to ask the name of 
 the person to whom he belonged, and began to be uneasy at 
 this omission, which indeed was more interesting than he 
 could imagine. For an explanation of this nature would, 
 in all likelihood, have led to a discovery that the lady in the 
 coach was no other than Miss Aurelia Darnel, who seeing 
 him unexpectedly in such an equipage and attitude, as he 
 passed the coach, for his helmet was off, had screamed with 
 surprise and terror and fainted away. Nevertheless, when 
 she recovered from her swoon she concealed the real cause 
 of her agitation, and none of her attendants were acquainted 
 with the person of Sir Launcelot. 
 
 The circumstances of the disorder under which she was 
 said to labour shall be revealed in due course. In the mean- 
 time, our adventurer, though unaccountably affected, never 
 dreamed of such an occurrence ; but being very much 
 fatigued, resolved to indemnify himself for the loss of last 
 night's repose ; and this happened to be one of the few things 
 in which Crabshaw felt an ambition to follow his master's 
 example. 
 
 CHAPTER IX 
 Which may serve to show that true Patriotism is of no Party. 
 
 The knight had not enjoyed his repose above two hours 
 when he was disturbed by such a variety of noises as might 
 have discomposed a brain of the firmest texture. The 
 rumbling of carriages and the rattling of horses' feet on the 
 pavement, was intermingled with loud shouts, and the noise 
 of fiddle, French horn, and bagpipe. A loud peal was heard 
 ringing in the church tower, at some distance, while the inn 
 resounded with clamour, confusion, and uproar. 
 
 Sir Launcelot, being thus alarmed, started from his bed, 
 and running to the window, beheld a cavalcade of persons
 
 88 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 well mounted and distinguished by blue cockades. They 
 were generally attired like jockeys, with gold-laced hats and 
 buckskin breeches, and one of them bore a standard of blue 
 silk, inscribed in white letters, Liberty and the Landed 
 Interest. He who rode at their head was a jolly figure, of 
 a florid complexion and round belly, seemingly turned of 
 fifty, and, in all appearance, of a choleric disposition. As 
 they approached the market-place they waved their hats, 
 huzzaed, and cried aloud, No Foreign Connections ! — Old 
 England for ever ! This acclamation, however, was not 
 so loud or universal but that our adventurer could distinctly 
 hear a counter-cry from the populace of, No Slavery ! — No 
 Popish Pretender ! an insinuation so ill relished by the 
 cavaliers, that they began to ply their horsewhips among the 
 multitude, and were, in their turn, saluted with a discharge or 
 volley of stones, dirt, and dead cats, in consequence of which 
 some teeth were demolished, and many surtouts defiled. 
 
 Our adventurer's attention was soon called off from this 
 scene, to contemplate another procession of people on foot, 
 adorned with bunches of orange ribbons, attended by a 
 regular band of music, playing God save great George our 
 King, and headed by a thin swarthy personage, of a sallow 
 aspect, and large goggling eyes, arched over with two thick 
 semicircles of hair, or rather bristles, jet black, and frousy. 
 His apparel was very gorgeous, though his address was very 
 awkward ; he was accompanied by the mayor, recorder, 
 and heads of the corporation, in their formalities. His 
 ensigns were known by the inscription, Liberty of Conscience, 
 and the Protestant Succession ; and the people saluted him 
 as he passed with repeated cheers, that seemed to prognosti- 
 cate success. He had particularly ingratiated himself with 
 the good women, who lined the street, and sent forth many 
 ejaculatory petitions in his favour. 
 
 Sir Launcelot immediately comprehended the meaning of 
 this solemnity. He perceived it was the prelude to the 
 election of a member to represent the county in Parliament, 
 and he was seized with an eager desire to know the names 
 and characters of the competitors.
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 89 
 
 In order to gratify this desire, he made repeated applica- 
 tion to the bell-rope that depended from the ceiling of his 
 apartment, but this produced nothing except the repetition 
 of the words, " Coming, sir," which echoed from three or 
 four different corners of the house. The waiters were so 
 distracted by a variety of calls that they stood motionless, 
 in the state of the schoolman's ass between two bundles of 
 hay, incapable of determining where they should first offer 
 their attendance. 
 
 Our knight's patience was almost exhausted, when Crab- 
 shaw entered the room, in a very strange equipage. One 
 half of his face appeared close shaved, and the other covered 
 with lather, while the blood trickled in two rivulets from his 
 nose upon a barber's cloth that was tucked under his chin ; 
 he looked grim with indignation, and under his left arm 
 carried his cutlass, unsheathed. Where he had acquired so 
 much of the profession of knight-errantry we shall not 
 pretend to determine, but certain it is, he fell on his knees 
 before Sir Launcelot, crying, with an accent of grief and 
 distraction, " In the name of St. George for England, I 
 beg a boon, Sir Knight, and thy compliance I demand, 
 before the peacock and the ladies." 
 
 Sir Launcelot, astonished at this address, replied in a lofty 
 strain, " Valiant squire, thy boon is granted, provided it 
 doth not contravene the laws of the land, and the constitu- 
 tion of chivalry " — " Then I crave leave," answered Crab- 
 shaw, " to challenge and defy to mortal combat that caitifi 
 barber who hath left me in this piteous condition ; and I 
 vow by the peacock that I will not shave my beard until I 
 have shaved his head from his shoulde s. So may I thrive 
 in the occupation of an arrant squire." 
 
 Before his master had time to inquire into particulars 
 they were joined by a decent man in boots, who was likewise 
 a traveller, and had seen the rise and progress of Timothy's 
 disaster. He gave the knight to understand that Crabshaw 
 had sent for a barber, and already undergone one half of the 
 ration, when the operator received the long-expected 
 message from both the gentlemen who stood candidates at
 
 9o THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 the election. The double summons was no sooner intimated 
 to him than he threw down his basin, and retired with 
 precipitation, leaving the squire in the suds. Timothy, 
 incensed at this desertion, followed him with equal celerity 
 into the street, where he collared the shaver, and insisted 
 upon being entirely trimmed, on pain of the bastinado. 
 The other, finding himself thus arrested, and having no 
 time to spare for altercation, lifted up his fist and discharged 
 it upon the snout of Crabshaw with such force that the 
 unfortunate aggressor was fain to bite the ground, while the 
 victor hastened away, in hope of touching the double wages 
 of corruption. 
 
 The knight being informed of these circumstances told 
 Timothy with a smile that he should have liberty to defy 
 the barber ; but, in the meantime, he ordered him to saddle 
 Bronzomarte, and prepare for immediate service. While 
 the squire was thus employed, his master engaged in a con- 
 versation with the stranger, who happened to be a London 
 dealer travelling for orders, and was well acquainted with 
 the particulars which our adventurer wanted to know. 
 
 It was from this communicative tradesman he learned 
 that the competitors were Sir Valentine Quickset and Mr. 
 Isaac Vanderpelft ; the first a mere fox-hunter, who de- 
 pended for success in his election upon his interest among 
 the high-flying gentry; the other a stock-jobber and con- 
 tractor of foreign extract, not without a mixture of Hebrew 
 blood, immensely rich, who was countenanced by his Grace 
 
 of , and supposed to have distributed large sums in 
 
 securing a majority of votes among the yeomanry of the 
 county, possessed of small freeholds, and copyholders, a 
 great number of which last resided in this borough. He 
 said these were generally dissenters and weavers ; and that 
 the mayor, who was himself a manufacturer, had received 
 a very considerable order for exportation, in consequence 
 of which it was believed he would support Mr. Vanderpelft 
 with all his influence and credit. 
 
 Sir Launcelot, roused at this intelligence, called for his 
 armour, which, being buckled on in a hurry, he mounted
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 91 
 
 his steed, attended by Crabshaw on Gilbert, and rode 
 immediately into the midst of the multitude by which the 
 hustings were surrounded, just as Sir Valentine Quickset 
 began to harangue the people from an occasional theatre, 
 formed of a plank supported by the upper board of the 
 public stocks, and an inferior rib of a wooden cage pitched 
 also for the accommodation of petty delinquents. 
 
 Though the singular appearance of Sir Launcelot at first 
 attracted the eyes of all the spectators, yet they did not fail 
 to yield attention to the speech of his brothel-knight, Sir 
 Valentine, which ran in the following strain : — " Gentlemen 
 rreeholders of this here county, I shan't pretend to meake 
 a vine flourishing speech — I'm a plain-spoken man, as you 
 all know. I hope I shall always speak my maind without 
 vear or vavour, as the zaying is. 'Tis the way of the Quicksets 
 — we are no upstarts, nor vorreigners, nor have we any Jewish 
 blood in our veins ; we have lived in this here neighbourhood 
 time out of mind, as you all know, and possess an estate of 
 vive thousand clear, which we spend at whoam, among you, 
 in old English hospitality. All my vorevathers have been 
 Parliament men, and I can prove that ne'er a one o' um 
 gave a zingle vote for the court since the Revolution. Vor 
 my own peart, I value not the ministry three skips of a louse, 
 as the zaying is — I ne'er knew but one minister that was an 
 honest man, and vor all the rest, I care not if they were 
 hanged as high as Haman, with a pox to 'un. I am, thank 
 God, a vree-born, true-hearted Englishman, and a loyal, 
 thof unworthy, son of the Church — vor all they have done 
 
 vor H r, I'd vain know what they have done vor the 
 
 Church, with a vengeance — vor my own peart, I hate all 
 vorreigners and vorreign measures, whereby this poor nation 
 is broken-backed with a dismal load of debt, and the taxes 
 rise so high that the poor cannot get bread. Gentlemen 
 vreeholders of this county, I value no minister a vig's end, 
 d'ye see ; if you will vavour me with your votes and interest, 
 whereby I may be returned, I'll engage one half of my estate 
 that I never cry yea to vour shillings in the pound, but will 
 cross the ministry in everything, as in duty bound, and as
 
 92 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 becomes an honest vreeholder in the ould interest — but, if 
 you sell your votes and your country for hire, you will be 
 detested in this here world, and damned in the next to all 
 eternity : so I leave every man to his own conscience." 
 
 This eloquent oration was received by his own friends 
 with loud peals of applause, which, however, did not dis- 
 courage his competitor, who, confident of his own strength, 
 ascended the rostrum, or, in other words, an old cask, set 
 upright for the purpose. Having bowed all round to the 
 audience, with a smile of gentle condescension, he told them 
 how ambitious he was of the honour to represent this county 
 in Parliament, and how happy he found himself in the en- 
 couragement of his friends, who had so unanimously agreed 
 to support his pretensions. He said, over and above the 
 qualifications he possessed among them, he had fourscore 
 thousand pounds in his pocket, which he had acquired by 
 commerce, the support of the nation, under the present 
 happy establishment, in defence of which he was ready to 
 spend the last farthing. He owned himself a faithful subject 
 to His Majesty King George, sincerely attached to the 
 Protestant succession, in detestation and defiance of a popish, 
 an abjured, and outlawed Pretender, and declared that he 
 would exhaust his substance and his blood, if necessary, 
 in maintaining the principles of the glorious Revolution. 
 " This." cried he, " is the solid basis and foundation upon 
 which I stand." 
 
 These last words had scarce proceeded from his mouth, 
 when the head of the barrel or puncheon on which he stood, 
 being frail and infirm, gave way, so that down he went with 
 a crash, and in a twinkling disappeared from the eyes of 
 the astonished beholders. The fox-hunters, perceiving his 
 disaster, exclaimed, in the phrase and accent of the chase, 
 " Stole away ! stole away ! " and with hideous vociferation 
 joined in the sylvan chorus which the hunters halloo when 
 the hounds are at fault. 
 
 The disaster of Mr. Vanderpelft was soon repaired by the 
 assiduity of his friends, who disengaged him from the barrel 
 in a trice, hoisted him on the shoulders of four strong weavers,
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 93 
 
 and, resenting the unmannerly exultation of their antagonists, 
 began to form themselves in order of battle. 
 
 An obstinate fray would have undoubtedly ensued, had 
 not their mutual indignation given way to their curiosity, 
 at the motion of our knight, who had advanced into the 
 middle between the two fronts, and waving his hand as a 
 signal for them to give attention addressed himself to them, 
 with graceful demeanour, in these words : — " Countrymen, 
 friends, and fellow-citizens, you are this day assembled to 
 determine a point of the utmost consequence to yourselves 
 and your posterity — a point that ought to be determined 
 by far other weapons than brutal force and factious clamour. 
 You, the freemen of England, are the basis of that excellent 
 constitution which hath long flourished the object of envy 
 and admiration. To you belongs the inestimable privilege 
 of choosing a delegate properly qualified to represent you 
 in the High Court of Parliament. This is your birthright, 
 inherited from your ancestors, obtained by their courage, 
 and sealed with their blood. It is not only your birthright, 
 which you should maintain in defiance of all danger, but also 
 a sacred trust, to be executed with the most scrupulous care 
 and fidelity. The person whom you trust ought not only 
 to be endued with the most inflexible integrity, but should 
 likewise possess a fund of knowledge that may enable him 
 to act as a part of the legislature. He must be well ac- 
 quainted with the history, the constitution, and the laws 
 of his country ; he must understand the forms of business, 
 the extent of the royal prerogative, the privilege of Parlia- 
 ment, the detail of government, the nature' and regulation 
 of the finances, the different branches of commerce, the 
 politics that prevail, and the connections that subsist among 
 the different powers of Europe ; for on all these subjects the 
 deliberations of a House of Commons occasionally turn. 
 
 " But these great purposes will never be answered by 
 electing an illiterate savage, scarce qualified, in point of 
 understanding, to act as a country justice of peace, a man 
 who has scarce ever travelled beyond the excursion of a 
 fox-chase, whose conversation never rambles farther than
 
 94 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 his stable, his kennel, and the barnyard ; who rejects decorum 
 as degeneracy, mistakes rusticity for independence, ascertains 
 his courage by leaping over gates and ditches, and founds his 
 triumph on feats of drinking ; who holds his estate by a 
 factious tenure, professes himself the blind slave of a party, 
 without knowing the principles that gave it birth, or the 
 motives by which it is actuated, and thinks that all patriotism 
 consists in railing indiscriminately at ministers, and obsti- 
 nately opposing every measure of the administration. Such 
 a man, with no evil intentions of his own, might be used as 
 a dangerous tool in the hands of a desperate faction, by 
 scattering the seeds of disaffection, embarrassing the wheels 
 of government, and reducing the whole kingdom to anarchy." 
 Here the knight was interrupted by the shouts and ac- 
 clamations of the Vanderpelfites, who cried aloud, " Hear 
 him ! hear him ! long life to the iron-cased orator." This 
 clamour subsiding, he prosecuted his harangue to the follow- 
 ing effect : 
 
 " Such a man as I have described may be dangerous from 
 ignorance, but is neither so mischievous, nor so detestable, 
 as the wretch who knowingly betrays his trust, and sues to 
 be the hireling and prostitute of a weak and worthless 
 minister ; a sordid knave, without honour or principle, 
 who belongs to no family whose example can reproach him 
 with degeneracy, who has no country to command his 
 respect, no friend to engage his affection, no religion to 
 regulate his morals, no conscience to restrain his iniquity, 
 and who worships no God but Mammon ; an insinuating 
 miscreant, who undertakes for the dirtiest work of the vilest 
 administration, who practises national usury, receiving by 
 wholesale the rewards of venality, and distributing the wages 
 of corruption by retail." 
 
 In this place our adventurer's speech was drowned in the 
 acclamations of the fox-hunters, who now triumphed in 
 their turn, and hoicksed the speaker, exclaiming, "Well 
 opened, Jowler — to 'un, to 'un again, Sweetlips ! hey, Merry, 
 Whitefoot ! " After a short interruption, he thus resumed 
 his discourse :
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 95 
 
 " When such a caitiff presents himself to you, like the 
 devil, with a temptation in his hand, avoid him as if he were 
 in fact the devil — it is not the offering of disinterested love, 
 for what should induce him, who has no affections, to love 
 you, to whose person he is an utter stranger ? Alas ! it is 
 not a benevolence, but a bribe. He wants to buy you at 
 one market that he may sell you at another. Without doubt 
 his intention is to make an advantage of his purchase, and 
 this aim he cannot accomplish but by sacrificing, in some 
 sort, your interest, your independency, to the wicked designs 
 of a minister, as he can expect no gratification for the faithful 
 discharge of his duty. But, even if he should not find an 
 opportunity of selling you to advantage, the crime, the 
 shame, the infamy, will still be the same in you, who, baser 
 than the most abandoned prostitutes, have sold yourselves 
 and your posterity for hire — for a paltry price, to be refunded 
 with interest by some minister, who will indemnify himself 
 out of your own pockets, for, after all, you are bought and 
 sold with your own money — the miserable pittance you may 
 now receive is no more than a pitcher full of water thrown 
 in to moisten the sucker of that pump which will drain you 
 to the bottom. Let me therefore advise and exhort you, 
 my countrymen, to avoid the opposite extremes of the 
 ignorant clown and the designing courtier, and choose a 
 man of honesty, intelligence, and moderation, who will " 
 
 The doctrine of moderation was a very unpopular subject 
 in such an assembly, and, accordingly, they rejected it as 
 one man. They began to think the stranger wanted to set 
 up for himself — a supposition that could not fail to incense 
 both sides equally, as they were both zealously engaged in 
 their respective causes. The Whigs and the Tories joined 
 against this intruder, who, being neither, was treated like a 
 monster, or chimera in politics. They hissed, they hooted, 
 and they hallooed ; they annoyed him with missiles of dirt, 
 sticks, and stones ; they cursed, they threatened, and reviled, 
 till, at length, his patience was exhausted. 
 
 '■' Ungrateful and abandoned miscreants ! " he cried, " I 
 spoke to you as men and Christians — as free-born Britons
 
 96 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 and fellow-citizens ; but I perceive you are a pack of venal, 
 infamous scoundrels, and I will treat you accordingly." So 
 saying, he brandished his lance, and riding into the thickest 
 of the concourse, laid about him with such dexterity and 
 effect that the multitude was immediately dispersed, and 
 he retired without further molestation. 
 
 The same good fortune did not attend Squire Crabshaw 
 in his retreat. The ludicrous singularity of his features, 
 and the half-mown crop of hair that bristled from one side 
 of his countenance, invited some wags to make merry at his 
 expense. One of them clapped a furze-bush under the tail 
 of Gilbert, who, feeling himself thus stimulated a posteriori, 
 kicked and plunged, and capered in such a manner, that 
 Timothy could hardly keep the saddle. In this commotion 
 he lost his cap and his periwig, while the rabble pelted him 
 in such a manner that, before he could join his master, he 
 looked like a pillar, or rather a pillory, of mud. 
 
 CHAPTER X 
 
 Which showeth that he who plays at Bowls will sometimes 
 meet with Rubbers. 
 
 Sir Launcelot, boiling with indignation at the venality 
 and faction of the electors, whom he had harangued to so 
 little purpose, retired with the most deliberate disdain 
 towards one of the gates of the town, on the outside of which 
 his curiosity was attracted by a concourse of people, in the 
 midst of whom stood Mr. Ferret, mounted upon a stool, 
 with a kind of satchel hanging round his neck, and a phial 
 displayed in his right hand, while he held forth to the 
 audience in a very vehement strain of elocution. 
 
 Crabshaw thought himself happily delivered when he 
 reached the suburbs, and proceeded without halting ; but 
 his master mingled with the crowd, and heard the orator 
 express himself to this effect : 
 
 " Very likely you may undervalue me and my medicine, 
 because I don't appear upon a stage of rotten boards, in a
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 97 
 
 shabby velvet coat, and tie-periwig, with a foolish fellow 
 in a motley coat, to make you laugh, by making wry faces ; 
 but I scorn to use these dirty arts for engaging your attention. 
 These paltry tricks, ad caftandum vulgns, can have no effect 
 but on idiots ; and if you are idiots, I don't desire you should 
 be my customers. Take notice, I don't address you in the 
 style of a mountebank, or a High German doctor ; and yet 
 the kingdom is full of mountebanks, empirics, and quacks. 
 We have quacks in religion, quacks in physic, quacks in law, 
 quacks in politics, quacks in patriotism, quacks in govern- 
 ment — High German quacks that have blistered, sweated, 
 bled, and purged the nation into an atrophy. But this is 
 not all ; they have not only evacuated her into a consumption, 
 but they have intoxicated her brain, until she is become 
 delirious ; she can no longer pursue her own interest, or, 
 indeed, rightly distinguish it. Like the people of Nineveh, 
 she can hardly tell her right hand from her left ; but, as a 
 changeling, is dazzled and delighted by an ignis fatuus, a 
 Will-o'-the-wisp, an exhalation from the vilest materials 
 in nature, that leads her astray through Westphalian bogs 
 and deserts, and will one day break her neck over some 
 barren rocks, or leave her sticking in some H — n pit, or 
 quagmire. 
 
 " For my part, if you have a mind to betray your country, 
 I have no objection. In selling yourselves and your fellow- 
 citizens, you only dispose of a pack of rascals who deserve 
 to be sold. If you sell one another, why should not I sell 
 this here Elixir of Long Life, which, if properly used, will 
 protract your days till you shall have seen your country 
 ruined. I shall not pretend to disturb your understandings, 
 which are none of the strongest, with a hotchpotch of 
 unintelligible terms, such as Aristotle's four principles of 
 generation, unformed matter, privation, efficient, and final 
 causes. Aristotle was a pedantic blockhead, and still more 
 knave than fool. The same censure we may safely put on 
 that wiseacre, Dioscorides, with his faculties of simples — his 
 seminal, specific, and principal virtues ; and that crazy 
 commentator, Galen, with his four elements, elementary
 
 98 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 qualities, his eight complexions, his harmonies and discords. 
 Nor shall I expatiate on the alkahest of that mad scoundrel, 
 Paracelsus, with which he pretended to reduce flints into 
 salt ; nor archeeus or spiritus rector of that visionary Van 
 Helmont, his simple, elementary water, his gas, ferments, 
 and transmutations ; nor shall I enlarge upon the salt, 
 sulphur, and oil, the acidum vagnm, the mercury of metals, 
 and the volatilised vitriol of other modern chemists, a pack 
 of ignorant, conceited, knavish rascals, that puzzle your 
 weak heads with such jargon, just as a Germanised m — r 
 throws dust in your eyes, by lugging in and ringing the 
 changes on the balance of power, the Protestant religion, 
 and your allies on the continent ; acting like the juggler, 
 who picks your pockets while he dazzles your eyes and amuses 
 your fancy with twirling his fingers and reciting the gibberish 
 of hocus focus ; for, in fact, the balance of power is a mere 
 chimera. As for the Protestant religion, nobody gives 
 himself any trouble about it ; and allies on the continent 
 we have none, or, at least, none that would raise an hundred 
 men to save us from perdition, unless we paid an extravagant 
 price for their assistance. 
 
 " But, to return to this here Elixir of Long Life, I might 
 embellish it with a great many high-sounding epithets ; 
 but I disdain to follow the example of every illiterate 
 vagabond, that, from idleness, turns quack, and advertises 
 his nostrum in the public papers. I am neither a felonious 
 drysalter returned from exile, a hospital stump-turner, 
 a decayed staymaker, a bankrupt printer, or insolvent 
 debtor, released by Act of Parliament. I do not pretend to 
 administer medicines without the least tincture of letters, 
 or suborn wretches to perjure themselves in false affidavits 
 of cures that were never performed ; nor employ a set of 
 led captains to harangue in my praise at all public places. 
 I was bred regularly to the profession of chemistry, and have 
 tried all the processes of alchemy ; and I may venture to 
 say, that this here elixir is, in fact, the chruseon pepuromenon 
 ek puros, the visible, glorious, spiritual body, from whence 
 all other beings derive their existence, as proceeding from
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 
 
 99 
 
 their father the sun, and their mother the moon ; from the 
 sun, as from a living and spiritual gold, which is mere fire ; 
 consequently, the common and universal first-created 
 mover, from whence all movable things have their distinct 
 and particular motions ; and also from the moon, as from 
 the wife of the sun, and the common mother of all sublunary 
 things. 
 
 " And forasmuch as man is, and must be, the compre- 
 hensive end of all creatures, and the microcosm, he is coun- 
 selled in the Revelation to buy gold that is thoroughly 
 fired, or rather pure fire, that he may become rich and like 
 the sun ; as, on the contrary, he becomes poor, when he 
 abuses the arsenical poison ; so that, his silver, by the fire, 
 must be calcined to a caput mortuum, which happens when 
 he will hold and retain the menstruum, out of which he 
 partly exists, for his own property, and doth not daily offer 
 up the same in the fire of the sun, that the woman may be 
 clothed with the sun, and become a sun, and thereby rule 
 over the moon ; that is to say, that he may get the moon 
 under his feet. Now, this here elixir, sold for no more than 
 sixpence a phial, contains the essence of the alkahest, the 
 archasus, the catholicon, the menstruum, the sun, the moon, 
 and, to sum up all in one word, is the true, genuine, un- 
 adulterated, unchangeable, immaculate, and specific chruseon 
 pepuromenon ek puros." 
 
 The audience were variously affected by this learned 
 oration. Some of those who favoured the pretensions of 
 the Whig candidate were of opinion that he ought to be 
 punished for his presumption, in reflecting so scurrilously 
 on ministers and measures. Of this sentiment was our 
 adventurer, though he could not help admiring the courage 
 of the orator, and owning within himself that he had mixed 
 some melancholy truths with his scurrility. 
 
 Mr. Ferret would not have stood so long in his rostrum 
 unmolested, had not he cunningly chosen his station im- 
 mediately without the jurisdiction of the town, whose 
 magistrates therefore could not take cognisance of his conduct; 
 but application was made to the constable of the other parish,
 
 ioo THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 while our nostrum-monger proceeded in Ms speech, the 
 conclusion of which produced such an effect upon his 
 hearers, that his whole cargo was immediately exhausted. 
 He had just stepped down from his stool, when the constable 
 with his staff arrived, and took him under his guidance. 
 Mr. Ferret, on this occasion, attempted to interest the 
 people in his behalf, by exhorting them to vindicate the 
 liberty of the subject against such an act of oppression ; 
 but finding them deaf to the tropes and figures of his elocu- 
 tion, he addressed himself to our knight, reminding him 
 of his duty to protect the helpless and the injured, and 
 earnestly soliciting his interposition. 
 
 Sir Launcelot, without making the least reply to his 
 entreaties, resolved to see the end of this adventure ; and, 
 being joined by his squire, followed the prisoner at a distance, 
 measuring back the ground he had travelled the day before, 
 until he reached another small borough, where Ferret was 
 housed in the common prison. 
 
 While he sat on horseback, deliberating on the next step 
 he should take, he was accosted by the voice of Tom Clarke, 
 who called, in a whimpering tone, through a window grated 
 with iron, " For the love of God, Sir Launcelot, do, dear 
 sir, be so good as to take the trouble to alight, and come 
 upstairs ; I have something to communicate of consequence 
 to the community in general, and you in particular. Pray 
 do, dear Sir Knight. I beg a boon in the name of St. 
 Michael and St. George for England." 
 
 Our adventurer, not a little surprised at this address, 
 dismounted without hesitation, and, being admitted to the 
 common jail, there found not only his old friend Tom, but 
 also the uncle, sitting on a bench, with a woollen night-cap 
 on his head, and a pair of spectacles on his nose, reading very 
 earnestly in a book, which he afterwards understood was 
 entitled, The Life and Adventures of Valentine and Orson. 
 The captain no sooner saw his great pattern enter, than he 
 rose, and received him with the salutation of, " What cheer, 
 brother ? " and before the knight could answer, added 
 these words : " You see how the land lies — here have Tom
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 101 
 
 and I been fast ashore these four-and-twenty hours ; and 
 this berth we have got by attempting to tow your galley, 
 brother, from the enemy's harbour. Adds bobs ! if we had 
 this here fellow w — eson for a consort, with all our tackle 
 in order, brother, we'd soon show 'em the topsail, slip our 
 cable, and down with their barricadoes. But, howsomever, 
 it don't signify talking — patience is a good steam-anchor, 
 and will hold, as the saying is — but, d — n my — as for the 
 matter of my bolt-sprit. — Harkye, harkye, brother, d — ned 
 hard to engage with three at a time, one upon my bow, 
 one upon my quarter, and one right a-head, rubbing and 
 drubbing, lying athwart hawse, raking fore and aft, battering 
 and grappling, and lashing and clashing — adds heart, brother ; 
 crash went the bolt-sprit — down came the round-top — up 
 with the dead-lights — I saw nothing but the stars at noon, 
 lost the helm of my seven senses, and down I broached 
 upon my broadside." 
 
 As Mr. Clarke rightly conceived that his uncle would 
 need an interpreter, he began to explain these hints, by 
 giving a circumstantial detail of his own and the captain's 
 disaster. 
 
 He told Sir Launcelot, that, notwithstanding all his 
 persuasion and remonstrances, Captain Crowe insisted 
 upon appearing in the character of a knight-errant ; and, 
 with that view, had set out from the public-house on the 
 morning that succeeded his vigil in the church. That upon 
 the highway they had met with a coach, containing two 
 ladies, one of whom seemed to be under great agitation ; 
 for, as they passed, she struggled with the other, thrust out 
 her head at the window, and said something which he could 
 not distinctly hear. That Captain Crowe was struck with 
 admiration of her unequalled beauty ; and he, Tom, no 
 sooner informed him who she was, than he resolved to set 
 her at liberty, on the supposition that she was under restraint, 
 and in distress. That he accordingly unsheathed his cutlass, 
 and, riding after the coach, commanded the driver to bring 
 to, on pain of death. That one of the servants, believing 
 the captain to be a highwayman, presented a blunderbuss,
 
 102 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 and, in all probability would have shot him on the spot, 
 had not he, the nephew, rode up, and assured them the 
 gentleman was non compos. That, notwithstanding his 
 intimation, all the three attacked him with the butt-ends 
 of their horsewhips, while the coach drove on, and although 
 he laid about him with great fury, at last brought him to 
 the ground, by a stroke on the temple. That Mr. Clarke 
 himself then interposed in defence of his kinsman, and was 
 also severely beaten. That two of the servants, upon 
 application to a justice of the peace, residing near the field 
 of battle, had granted a warrant against the captain and his 
 nephew, and, without examination, committed them as 
 idle vagrants, after having seized their horses and their 
 money, on pretence of their being suspected for highway- 
 men. 
 
 " But, as there was no jus*: cause of suspicion," added 
 he, " I am of opinion, the justice is guilty of a trespass, 
 and may be sued for falsum imprisonamentum, and consider- 
 able damages obtained ; for you will please to observe, 
 sir, no justice has a right to commit any person till after 
 due examination ; besides, we were not committed for an 
 assault and battery, audita querela, nor as wandering lunatics 
 by the statute, who, to be sure, may be apprehended by a 
 justice's warrant, and locked up and chained, if necessary, 
 or to be sent to their last legal settlement ; but we were 
 committed as vagrants and suspected highwaymen. Now 
 we do not fall under the description of vagrants ; nor did 
 any circumstance appear to support the suspicion of robbery ; 
 for, to constitute robbery, there must be something taken ; 
 but here nothing was taken but blows, and they were upon 
 compulsion. Even an attempt to rob, without any taking, 
 is not felony, but a misdemeanour. To be sure, there is a 
 taking in deed, and a taking in law. But still the robber must 
 be in possession of a thing stolen ; and we attempted to steal 
 ourselves away. My uncle, indeed, would have released the 
 young lady vi et armis, had his strength been equal to his 
 inclination ; and in so doing I would have willingly lent my 
 assistance both from a desire to serve such a beautiful young
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 103 
 
 creature, and also in regard to your honour, for I thought I 
 heard her call upon your name." 
 
 " Ha ! how ! what ! whose name ? say, speak — Heaven 
 and earth ! " cried the knight, with marks of the most 
 violent emotion. Clarke, terrified at his looks, replied, 
 " I beg your pardon a thousand times ; I did not say positively 
 she did speak those words ; but I apprehended she did 
 speak them. Words, which may be taken or interpreted 
 by law in a general or common sense, ought not to receive a 
 
 strained or unusual construction ; and ambiguous words " 
 
 " Speak, or be dumb for ever ! " exclaimed Sir Launcelot, 
 in a terrific tone, laying his hand on his sword. " What 
 young lady, ha ? What name did she call upon ? " — Clarke, 
 falling on his knees, answered, not without stammering, 
 " Miss Aurelia Darnel ; to the best of my recollection, 
 she called upon Sir Launcelot Greaves." — " Sacred powers ! " 
 cried our adventurer, " which way did the carriage pro- 
 ceed ? " 
 
 When Tom told him that the coach quitted the post-road, 
 and struck away to the right at full speed, Sir Launcelot 
 was seized with a pensive fit ; his head sank upon his breast, 
 and he mused in silence for several minutes with the most 
 melancholy expression on his countenance ; then recollecting 
 himself, he assumed a more composed and cheerful air, 
 and asked several questions with respect to the arms on the 
 coach, and the liveries worn by the servants ? It was in the 
 course of this interrogation, that he discovered he had 
 actually conversed with one of the footmen, who had brought 
 back Crabshaw's horse. A circumstance that filled him with 
 anxiety and chagrin, as he had omitted to inquire the name 
 of his master, and the place to which the coach was travelling; 
 though, in all probability, had he made these inquiries, 
 he would have received very little satisfaction, there being 
 reason to think the servants were enjoined secrecy. 
 
 The knight, in order to meditate on this unexpected 
 adventure, sat down by his old friend, and entered into a 
 reverie, which lasted about a quarter of an hour, and might 
 have continued longer had it not been interrupted by the
 
 104 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 voice of Crabshaw, who bawled aloud, " Look to it, my 
 masters — as you brew you must drink — this shall be a dear 
 day's work to some of you ; for my part, I say nothing ; — 
 the braying ass eats little grass — one barber shaves not so 
 close, but another finds a few stubble — you wanted to catch 
 a capon, and you've stole a cat — he that takes up his lodgings 
 in a stable must be contented to lie upon litter." 
 
 The knight, desirous of knowing the cause that prompted 
 Timothy to apothegmatise in this manner, looked through 
 the grate, and perceived the squire fairly set in the 
 stocks, surrounded by a mob of people. When lie called 
 to him, and asked the reason of this disgraceful restraint, 
 Crabshaw replied, " There's no cake, but there's another of 
 the same make — who never climbed, never fell — after clouds 
 comes clear weather. 'Tis all along of your honour, I've 
 met with this preferment ; no deservings of my own, but 
 the interest of my master. Sir knight, if you will slay the 
 justice, hang the constable, release your squire, and burn 
 the town, your name will be famous in story ; but, if you 
 are content, I am thankful. Two hours are soon spent in 
 such good company ; in the meantime, look to 'un, jailer, 
 there's a frog in the stocks." 
 
 Sir Launcelot, incensed at this affront offered to his 
 servant, advanced to the prison door, but found it fast 
 locked; and when he called to the turnkey, he was given 
 to understand, that he himself was prisoner. Enraged at 
 this intimation, he demanded at whose suit, and was answered 
 through the wicket, " At the suit of the King, in whose name 
 I will hold you fast, with God's assistance." 
 
 The knight's looks now began to lighten ; he rolled his 
 eyes around, and snatching up an oaken bench, which three 
 ordinary men could scarce have lifted from the ground, 
 he, in all likelihood, would have shattered the door in pieces 
 had not he been restrained by the interposition of Mr. 
 Clarke, who entreated him to have a little patience, assuring 
 him he would suggest a plan that would avenge himself 
 amply on the justice, without any breach of the peace. 
 " I say the justice," added Tom, " because it must be his
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 105 
 
 doing. He is a little petulant sort of a fellow, ignorant 
 of the law, guilty of numberless irregularities, and if properly 
 managed, may, for this here act of arbitrary power, be not 
 only cast in a swingeing sum, but even turned out of the 
 commission with disgrace." 
 
 This was a very seasonable hint, in consequence of which 
 the bench was softly replaced, and Captain Crowe deposited 
 the poker, with which he had armed himself, to second the 
 efforts of Sir Launcelot. They now, for the first time, 
 perceived that Ferret had disappeared ; and, upon inquiry, 
 found that he was in fact the occasion of the knight's detention 
 and the squire's disgrace. 
 
 CHAPTER XI 
 Description of a modern Magistrate. 
 
 Before the knight would take any resolution for extricating 
 himself from his present embarrassment, he desired to be 
 better acquainted with the character and circumstances 
 of the justice by whom he had been confined, and likewise 
 to understand the meaning of his own detention. To be 
 informed in this last particular, he renewed his dialogue 
 with the turnkey, who told him through the grate, that 
 Ferret no sooner perceived him in the jail without his 
 offensive arms, which he had left below, than he desired to 
 be carried before the justice, where he had given information 
 against the knight, as a violator of the public peace, who 
 strolled about the country with unlawful arms, rendering 
 the highways unsafe, encroaching upon the freedom of 
 elections, putting his majesty's liege subjects in fear of their 
 lives, and, in all probability, harbouring more dangerous 
 designs under an affected cloak of lunacy. Ferret, upon 
 this information, had been released, and entertained as an 
 evidence for the King ; and Crabshaw was put into the 
 stocks, as an idle stroller. 
 
 Sir Launcelot, being satisfied in these particulars, addressed 
 himself to his fellow-prisoners, and begged they would
 
 io6 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 communicate what they knew respecting the worthy magis- 
 trate, who had been so premature in the execution of his 
 office. This request was no sooner signified, than a crew of 
 naked wretches crowded around him, and, like a congregation 
 of rooks, opened their throats all at once, in accusation of 
 Justice Gobble. The knight was moved at this scene, which 
 he could not help comparing, in his own mind, to what 
 would appear upon a much more awful occasion, when the 
 cries of the widow and the orphan, the injured and oppressed, 
 would be uttered at the tribunal of an unerring Judge, 
 against the villainous and insolent authors of their calamity. 
 When he had, with some difficulty, quieted their clamours, 
 and confined his interrogation to one person of a tolerably 
 decent appearance, he learned that Justice Gobble, whose 
 father was a tailor, had for some time served as a journeyman 
 hosier in London, where he had picked up some law terms, 
 by conversing with hackney writers and attorneys' clerks 
 of the lowest order ; that, upon the death of his master, 
 he had insinuated himself into the good graces of the widow, 
 who took him for her husband, so that he became a person 
 of some consideration, and saved money apace ; that his 
 pride, increasing with his substance, was reinforced by the 
 vanity of his wife, who persuaded him to retire from business, 
 that they might live genteelly in the country ; that his father 
 dying, and leaving a couple of houses in this town, Mr. 
 Gobble had come down with his lady to take possession, 
 and liked the place so well, as to make a more considerable 
 purchase in the neighbourhood ; that a certain peer being 
 indebted to him in the large way of his business, and either 
 unable or unwilling to pay the money, had compounded the 
 debt, by inserting his name in the commission ; since which 
 period his own insolence, and his wife's ostentation, had 
 exceeded all bounds ; that, in the execution of his authority, 
 he had committed a thousand acts of cruelty and injustice 
 against the poorer sort of people, who were unable to call 
 him to a proper account ; that his wife domineered with a 
 more ridiculous, though less pernicious usurpation, among 
 the females of the place ; that, in a word, she was the sub-
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 107 
 
 ject of continual mirth, and he the object of universal 
 detestation. 
 
 Our adventurer, though extremely well disposed to believe 
 what was said to the prejudice of Gobble, would not give 
 entire credit to this description, without first inquiring into 
 the particulars of his conduct. He therefore asked the 
 speaker, what was the cause of his particular complaint. 
 " For my own part, sir," said he, " I lived in repute, and kept 
 a shop in this here town, well furnished with a great variety 
 of articles. All the people in the place were my customers ; 
 but what I and many others chiefly depended upon, was 
 the extraordinary sale at two annual customary fairs, to 
 which all the country people in the neighbourhood resorted 
 to lay out their money. I had employed all my stock, 
 and even engaged my credit, to procure a large assortment 
 of goods for the Lammas market ; but, having given my 
 vote in the election of a vestry-clerk, contrary to the interest 
 of Justice Gobble, he resolved to work my ruin. He sup- 
 pressed the annual fairs, by which a great many people, 
 especially publicans, earned the best part of their subsistence 
 The country people resorted to another town. I was over- 
 stocked with a load of perishable commodities, and found 
 myself deprived of the best part of my home customers, 
 by the ill-nature and revenge of the justice, who employed 
 all his influence among the common people, making use of 
 threats and promises, to make them desert my shop, and 
 give their custom to another person, whom he settled in the 
 same business under my nose. Being thus disabled from 
 making punctual payments, my commodities spoiling, and 
 my wife breaking her heart, I grew negligent and careless, 
 took to drinking, and my affairs went to wreck. Being one 
 day in liquor, and provoked by the fleers and taunts of the 
 man who had set up against me, I struck him at his own door ; 
 upon which I was carried before the justice, who treated me 
 with such insolence, that I became desperate, and not only 
 abused him in the execution of his office, but also made an 
 attempt to lay violent hands upon his person. You know, 
 sir, when a man is both drunk and desperate, he cannot be
 
 io8 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 supposed to have any command of himself. I was sent hither 
 to jail. My creditors immediately seized my effects ; and 
 as they were not sufficient to discharge my debts, a statute of 
 bankruptcy was taken out against me ; so that here I must 
 lie, until they think proper to sign my certificate, or the 
 Parliament shall please to pass an Act for the relief of insolvent 
 debtors." 
 
 The next person who presented himself in the crowd of 
 accusers was a meagre figure, with a green apron, who told 
 the knight that he had kept a public-house in town for a 
 dozen years, and enjoyed a good trade, which was in a great 
 measure owing to a skittle-ground, in which the best people 
 of the place diverted themselves occasionally. That Justice 
 Gobble, being disobliged at his refusing to part with a gelding 
 which he had bred for his own use, first of all shut up the 
 skittle-ground ; but, finding the oublican still kept his house 
 open, he took care that he should be deprived of his licence, 
 on pretence that the number of alehouses was too great, 
 and that this man had been bred to another employment. 
 The poor publican being thus deprived of his bread was 
 obliged to try the staymaking business, to which he had 
 served an apprenticeship ; but being very ill-qualified for 
 this profession, he soon fell to decay and contracted debts, 
 in consequence of which he was now in prison, where he 
 had no other support but what arose from the labour of his 
 wife, who had gone to service. 
 
 The next prisoner who preferred his complaint against 
 the unrighteous judge was a poacher, at whose practices 
 Justice Gobble had for some years connived, so as even to 
 screen him from punishment, in consideration of being 
 supplied with game gratis, till at length he was disappointed 
 by accident. His lady had invited guests to an entertainment, 
 and bespoke a hare, which the poacher undertook to furnish. 
 He laid his snares accordingly overnight, but they were 
 discovered, and taken away by the gamekeeper of the gentle- 
 man to whom the ground belonged. All the excuses the 
 poacher could make proved ineffectual in appeasing the 
 resentment of the justice and his wife at being thus dis-
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 109 
 
 concerted. Measures were taken to detect the delinquent 
 in the exercise of his illicit occupation ; he was committed 
 to safe custody, and his wife, with five bantlings, was passed 
 to her husband's settlement in a different part of the country. 
 
 A stout squat fellow, rattling with chains, had just taken 
 up the ball of accusation, when Sir Launcelot was startled 
 with the appearance of a woman, whose looks and equipage 
 indicated the most piteous distress. She seemed to be turned 
 of the middle age, was of a lofty carriage, tall, thin, weather- 
 beaten, and wretchedly attired ; her eyes were inflamed 
 with weeping, and her looks displayed that wildness and 
 peculiarity which denote distraction. Advancing to Sir 
 Launcelot, she fell upon her knees, and, clasping her hands 
 together, uttered the following rhapsody in the most vehe- 
 ment tone of affliction : 
 
 " Thrice potent, generous, and august emperor ; here 
 let my knees cleave to the earth, until thou shalt do me 
 justice on that inhuman caitiff Gobble. Let him disgorge 
 my substance which he hath devoured ; let him restore 
 to my widowed arms my child, my boy, the delight of 
 my eyes, the prop of my life, the staff of my sustenance, 
 whom he hath torn from my embrace, stolen, betrayed, 
 sent into captivity, and murdered ! Behold these bleeding 
 wounds upon his lovely breast : see how they mangle his 
 lifeless corse ! Horror ! give me my child, barbarians ! 
 his head shall lie upon his Suky's bosom — she will embalm 
 him with her tears. Ha ! plunge him in the deep ! — shall 
 my boy then float in a watery tomb ? Justice, most mighty 
 emperor ! justice upon the villain who hath ruined us all ! 
 May Heaven's dreadful vengeance overtake him ! may the 
 keen storm of adversity strip him of all his leaves and fruit ! 
 may peace forsake his mind, and rest be banished from his 
 pillow, so that all his days shall be filled with reproach and 
 sorrow, and all his nights be haunted with horror and 
 remorse ! may he be stung by jealousy without cause, and 
 maddened by revenge without the means of execution ! 
 may all his offspring be blighted and consumed, like the 
 mildewed ears of corn, except one that shall grow up to
 
 no THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 curse his old age, and bring his hoary head with sorrow to 
 the grave, as he himself has proved a curse to me and mine ! " 
 
 The rest of the prisoners, perceiving the knight extremely 
 shocked at her misery and horrid imprecation, removed her 
 by force from his presence, and conveyed her to another 
 room ; while our adventurer underwent a violent agitation, 
 and could not for some minutes compose himself so well as to 
 inquire into the nature of this wretched creature's calamity. 
 
 The shopkeeper, of whom he demanded this satisfaction, 
 gave him to understand that she was born a gentlewoman, 
 and had been well educated ; that she married a curate, 
 who did not long survive his nuptials, and afterwards became 
 the wife of one Oakley, a farmer in opulent circumstances. 
 That after twenty years' cohabitation with her husband, 
 he sustained such losses by the distemper among the cattle, 
 as he could not repair ; and that this reverse of fortune 
 was supposed to have hastened his death. That the widow, 
 being a woman of spirit, determined to keep up and manage 
 the farm, with the assistance of an only son, a very promising 
 youth, who was already contracted in marriage with the 
 daughter of another wealthy farmer. Thus the mother had 
 a prospect of retrieving the affairs of her family, when all 
 her hopes were dashed and destroyed by a ridiculous pique 
 which Mrs. Gobble conceived against the young farmer's 
 sweetheart, Mrs. Susan Sedgemoor. 
 
 This young woman chancing to be at a country assembly, 
 where the gravedigger of the parish acted as master of the 
 ceremonies, was called out to dance before Miss Gobble, 
 who happened to be there present also with her mother. 
 The circumstance was construed into an unpardonable affront 
 by the justice's lady, who abused the director in the most 
 opprobrious terms for his insolence and ill manners ; and 
 retiring in a storm of passion, vowed revenge against the 
 saucy minx who had presumed to vie in gentility with 
 Miss Gobble. The justice entered into her resentment. 
 The gravedigger lost his place ; and Suky's lover, young 
 Oakley, was pressed for a soldier. Before his mother could 
 take any steps for his discharge, he was hurried away to the
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES in 
 
 East Indies, by the industry and contrivance of the justice. 
 Poor Suky wept and pined until she fell into a consumption. 
 The forlorn widow, being thus deprived of her son, was 
 overwhelmed with grief to such a degree, that she could no 
 longer manage her concerns. Everything went backwards ; 
 she ran in arrears with her landlord ; and the prospect of 
 bankruptcy aggravated her affliction, while it added to her 
 incapacity. In the midst of these disastrous circumstances, 
 news arrived that her son Greaves had lost his life in a sea 
 engagement with the enemy ; and these tidings almost 
 instantly deprived her of reason. Then the landlord seized 
 for his rent, and she was arrested at the suit of Justice Gobble, 
 who had bought up one of her debts in order to distress her, 
 and now pretended that her madness was feigned. 
 
 When the name of Greaves was mentioned, our adventurer 
 started and changed colour ; and, now the story was ended, 
 asked with marks of eager emotion, if the name of the woman's 
 first husband was not Wilford. When the prisoner answered 
 in the affirmative, he rose up, and striking his breast, " Good 
 heaven ! " cried he, " the very woman who watched over 
 my infancy, and even nourished me with her milk ! She 
 was my mother's humble friend. Alas ! poor Dorothy ! how 
 would your old mistress grieve to see her favourite in this 
 miserable condition." While he pronounced these words, 
 to the astonishment of the hearers, a tear stole softly down 
 each cheek. Then he desired to know if the poor lunatic 
 had any intervals of reason ; and was given to understand 
 that she was always quiet, and generally supposed to have the 
 use of her senses, except when she was disturbed by some 
 extraordinary noise, or when any person touched upon her 
 misfortune, or mentioned the name of her oppressor, in all 
 which cases she started out into extravagance and frenzy. 
 They likewise imputed great part of the disorder to the 
 want of quiet, proper food, and necessaries, with which she 
 was but poorly supplied by the cold hand of chance charity. 
 Our adventurer was exceedingly affected by the distress 
 of this woman, whom he resolved to relieve ; and in pro- 
 portion as his commiseration was excited, his resentment
 
 ii2 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 rose against the miscreant, who seemed to have insinuated 
 himself into the commission of the peace on purpose to 
 harass and oppress his fellow-creatures. 
 
 Thus animated, he entered into consultation with Mr. 
 Thomas Clarke concerning the steps he should take, first 
 for their deliverance, and then for prosecuting and punishing 
 the justice. In result of this conference, the knight called 
 aloud for the jailer, and demanded to see a copy of his 
 commitment, that he might know the cause of his imprison- 
 ment, and offer bail ; or, in case that he should be refused, 
 move for a writ of Habeas Corpus. The jailer told him the 
 copy of the writ should be forthcoming. But after he had 
 waited some time, and repeated the demand before witnesses, 
 it was not yet produced. Mr. Clarke then, in a solemn tone, 
 gave the jailer to understand, that an officer refusing to 
 deliver a true copy of the commitment warrant was liable to 
 the forfeiture of one hundred pounds for the first offence, 
 and for the second to a forfeiture of twice that sum, besides 
 being disabled from executing his office. 
 
 Indeed, it was no easy matter to comply with Sir Launce- 
 lot's demand ; for no warrant had been granted, nor was it 
 now in the power of the justice to remedy this defect, 
 as Mr, Ferret had taken himself away privately, without 
 having communicated the name and designation of the 
 prisoner. A circumstance the more mortifying to the jailer, 
 as he perceived the extraordinary respect which Mr. Clarke 
 and the captain paid to the knight, and was now fully con- 
 vinced that he would be dealt with according to law. Dis- 
 ordered with these reflections, he imparted them to the 
 justice, who had in vain caused search to be made for Ferret, 
 and was now extremely well inclined to set the knight and 
 his friends at liberty, though he did not at all suspect the 
 quality and importance of our adventurer. He could not, 
 however, resist the temptation of displaying the authority 
 of his office, and therefore ordered the prisoners to be brought 
 before his tribunal, that, in the capacity of a magistrate, 
 he might give them a severe reproof, and proper caution 
 with respect to their future behaviour.
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 113 
 
 They were accordingly led through the street in pro- 
 cession, guarded by the constable and his gang, followed 
 by Crabshaw, who had by this time been released from the 
 stocks, and surrounded by a crowd of people, attracted by 
 curiosity. When they arrived at the justice's house, they 
 were detained for some time in the passage ; then a voice 
 was heard, commanding the constable to bring in the 
 prisoners, and they were introduced to the hall of audience, 
 where Mr. Gobble sat in judgment, with a crimson velvet 
 nightcap on his head ; and on his right hand appeared 
 his lady, puffed up with the pride and insolence of her 
 husband's office, fat, frousy, and not over-clean, well stricken 
 in years, without the least vestige of an agreeable feature, 
 having a rubicund nose, ferret eyes, and imperious aspect. 
 The justice himself was a little, affected, pert prig, who 
 endeavoured to solemnise his countenance by assuming an 
 air of consequence, in which pride, impudence, and folly 
 were strangely blended. He aspired at nothing so much 
 as the character of an able spokesman ; and took all oppor- 
 tunities of holding forth at vestry and quarter sessions, 
 as well as in the administration of his office in private. He 
 would not, therefore, let slip this occasion of exciting the 
 admiration of his hearers, and, in an authoritative tone, 
 thus addressed our adventurer : 
 
 " The laws of this land has provided — I says as how 
 provision is made by the laws of this here land, in reverence 
 to delinquems and malefactors, whereby the king's peace 
 is upholden by we magistrates, who represents his majesty's 
 person, better than in e'er a contagious nation under the 
 sun ; but, howsomever, that there king's peace, and this 
 here magistrate's authority cannot be adequably and iden- 
 tically upheld, if so be as how criminals escapes unpunished. 
 Now, friend, you must be confidentious in your own mind 
 as you are a notorious criminal, who have trespassed again 
 the laws on divers occasions and importunities ; if I had a 
 mind to exercise the rigour of the law, according to the 
 authority wherewith I am wcsted, you and your companions 
 in iniquity would be sewerely punished by the statue ; but 
 
 8
 
 1 1 4 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 we magistrates has a power to litigate the sewerity of justice, 
 and so I am contented that you should be mercifully dealt 
 withal, and even dismissed." 
 
 To this harangue the knight replied, with a solemn and 
 deliberate accent, " If I understand your meaning aright, 
 I am accused of being a notorious criminal ; but nevertheless 
 you are contented to let me escape with impunity. If 
 I am a notorious criminal, it is the duty of you, as a magis- 
 trate, to bring me to condign punishment ; and if you allow 
 a criminal to escape unpunished, you are not only unworthy 
 of a place in the commission, but become accessory to his 
 guilt, and, to all intents and purposes, socius critninis. With 
 respect to your proffered mercy, I shall decline the favour ; 
 nor do I deserve any indulgence at your hands, for, depend 
 upon it, I shall show no mercy to you in the steps I intend 
 to take for bringing you to justice. I understand that you 
 have been long hackneyed in the ways of oppression, and I 
 have seen some living monuments of your inhumanity — of 
 that hereafter. I myself have been detained in prison, with- 
 out cause assigned. I have been treated with indignity, 
 and insulted by jailers and constables ; led through the streets 
 like a felon, as a spectacle to the multitude ; obliged to 
 dance attendance in your passage, and afterwards branded 
 with the name of notorious criminal. — I now demand to see 
 the information in consequence of which I was detained in 
 prison, the copy of the warrant of commitment or detainer 
 and the face of the person by whom I was accused. I insist 
 upon a compliance with these demands, as the privileges of 
 a British subject ; and if it is refused, I shall seek redress 
 before a higher tribunal." 
 
 The justice seemed to be not a little disturbed at this 
 peremptory declaration ; which, however, had no other effect 
 upon his wife, but that of enraging her choler, and inflaming 
 her countenance. " Sirrah ! sirrah ! " cried she, " do you 
 dares to insult a worshipful magistrate on the bench ? — Can 
 you deny that you are a vagram, and a dilatory sort of a 
 person ? Han't the man with the satchel made an affidavy 
 of it i If I was my husband, I'd lay you fast by the heels
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 115 
 
 for your resumption, and ferk you with a priminery into the 
 bargain, unless you could give a better account of yourself — 
 I would." 
 
 Gobble, encouraged by this fillip, resumed his petulance, 
 and proceeded in this manner : — " Hark ye, friend, I might, 
 as Mrs. Gobble very justly observes, trounce you for your 
 audacious behaviour ; but I scorn to take such advantages. 
 Howsomever, I shall make you give an account of yourself 
 and your companions ; for I believes as how you are in a 
 gang, and all in a story, and perhaps you may be found one 
 day in a cord. — What are you, friend ? What is your station 
 and degree ? " — " I am a gentleman," replied the knight. — 
 " Ay, that is English for a sorry fellow," said the justice. 
 " Every idle vagabond, who has neither home nor habitation, 
 trade nor profession, designs himself a gentleman. But I 
 must know how you live ? " — " Upon my means." — " What 
 are your means ? " — " My estate." — " Whence does it 
 arise ? " — " From inheritance." — " Your estate lies in brass, 
 and that you have inherited from nature ; but do you 
 inherit lands and tenements ? " — " Yes." — " But they are 
 neither here nor there, I doubt. Come, come, friend, I 
 shall bring you about presently." Here the examination 
 was interrupted by the arrival of Mr. Fillet the surgeon, 
 who chancing to pass, and seeing a crowd about the door, 
 went in to satisfy his curiosity. 
 
 CHAPTER XII 
 
 Which shows there are more Ways to kill a Dog than 
 Hanging. 
 
 Mr. Fillet no sooner appeared in the judgment-chamber 
 of Justice Gobble, than Captain Crowe, seizing him by the 
 hand, exclaimed, " Body o'me ! Doctor, thou'rt come up 
 in the nick of time to lend us a hand in putting about. — 
 We're a little in the stays here — but howsomever we've got 
 a good pilot, who knows the coast ; and can weather the 
 point, as the saying is. As for the enemy's vessel, she has
 
 u6 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 had a shot or two already athwart her forefoot ; the next, 
 I do suppose, will strike the hull, and then you will see her 
 taken all aback." The doctor, who perfectly understood 
 his dialect, assured him he might depend upon his assistance ; 
 and, advancing to the knight, accosted him in these words : 
 " Sir Launcelot Greaves, your most humble servant — when 
 I saw a crowd at the door, I little thought of finding you 
 within, treated with such indignity — yet I can't help being 
 pleased with an opportunity of proving the esteem and 
 veneration I have for your person and character. — You will 
 do me particular pleasure in commanding my best services." 
 
 Our adventurer thanked him for this instance of his 
 friendship, which he told him he would use without hesita- 
 tion ; and desired he would procure immediate bail for him 
 and his two friends, who had been imprisoned contrary 
 to law, without any cause assigned. 
 
 During this short dialogue, the justice, who had heard 
 of Sir Launcelot's family and fortune, though an utter 
 stranger to his person, was seized with such pangs of terror 
 and compunction, as a grovelling mind may be supposed 
 to h ve felt in such circumstances ; and they seemed to 
 produce the same unsavoury effects that are so humorously 
 delineated by the inimitable Hogarth, in his print of Felix 
 on his tribunal, done in the Dutch style. Nevertheless, 
 seeing Fillet retire to execute the knight's commands, he 
 recollected himself so far as to tell the prisoners, there was 
 no occasion to give themselves any farther trouble, for he 
 would release them without bail or mainprise. Then 
 discarding all the insolence from his features, and assuming 
 an aspect of the most humble adulation, he begged the 
 knight ten thousand pardons for the freedoms he had taken, 
 which were entirely owing to his ignorance of Sir Launcelot's 
 quality. 
 
 " Yes, I'll assure you, sir," said the wife, " my husband 
 would have bit off his tongue rather than say black is the 
 white of your eye, if so be he had known your capacity. 
 
 Thank God, we have been used to deal with gentlefolks, 
 and many's the good pound we have lost by them ; but
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 117 
 
 what of that ? Sure we know how to behave to our betters. 
 Mr. Gobble, thanks be to God, can defy the whole world 
 to prove that he ever said an uncivil word, or did a rude 
 thing to a gentleman, knowing him. to be a person of fortune. 
 Indeed, as to your poor gentry and riffraff, your tag-rag and 
 bob-tail, or such vulgar scoundrelly people, he has always 
 behaved like a magistrate, and treated them with the rigger 
 of authority." — " In other words," said the knight, " he 
 has tyrannised over the poor, and connived at the vices 
 of the rich. Your husband is little obliged to you for this 
 confession, woman." — " Woman ! " cried Mrs. Gobble, 
 empurpled with wrath, and fixing her hands on her sides 
 by way of defiance, " I scorn your words. — Marry come up ! 
 woman, quotha ! no more a woman than your worship." 
 Then bursting into tears, " Husband," continued she, " if 
 you had the soul of a louse, you would not suffer me to be 
 abused at this rate ; you would not sit still on the bench, 
 and hear your spouse called such contemptible epitaphs. — 
 Who cares for his title and his knightship ? » You and I, 
 husband, knew a tailor that was made a knight ; but thank 
 God, I have noblemen to stand by me with their privileges 
 and beroguetifs." 
 
 At this instant Mr. Fillet returned with his friend, a 
 practitioner in the law, who freely offered to join in bailing 
 our adventurer, and the other two prisoners, for any sum 
 that should be required. The justice, perceiving the affair 
 began to grow more and more serious, declared that he would 
 discharge the warrants and dismiss the prisoners. 
 
 Here Mr. Clarke interposing, observed, that against the 
 knight no warrant had been granted, nor any information 
 sworn to ; consequently, as the justice had not complied 
 with the form of proceeding directed by statute, the im- 
 prisonment was coram non judice, void. " Right, sir," said 
 the other lawyer ; " if a justice commits a felon for trial 
 without binding over the prosecutor to the assizes, he shall be 
 fined." — " And again," cried Clarke, " if a justice issues a 
 warrant for commitment, where there is no accusation, 
 action will lie against the justice." — " Moreover," replied
 
 n8 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 the stranger, " if a justice of peace is guilty of any mis- 
 demeanour in his office, information lies against him in 
 Banco Regis, where he shall be punished by fine and imprison- 
 ment." — " And, besides," resumed the accurate Tom, " the 
 same court will grant an information against a justice of 
 peace, on motion, for sending even a servant to the house 
 of correction or common jail without sufficient cause." — 
 " True ! " exclaimed the other limb of the law, " and, for 
 contempt of the law, attachment may be had against justices 
 of peace in Banco Regis. A justice of the peace was fined a 
 thousand marks for corrupt practices." 
 
 With these words, advancing to Mr. Clarke, he shook 
 him by the hand, with the appellation of brother, saying, 
 " I doubt the justice has got into a cursed hovel." Mr. 
 Gobble Kmaelf seemed to be of the same opinion. He 
 changed colour several times during the remarks which the 
 lawyers had made ; and now, declaring that the gentlemen 
 were at liberty, begged, in the most humble phrase, that the 
 company would eat a bit of mutton with him, and after 
 dinner the affair might be amicably compromised. 
 
 To this proposal our adventurer replied, in a grave and 
 resolute tone, " If your acting in the commission as a justice 
 of the peace concerned my own particular only, perhaps I 
 should waive any further inquiry, and resent your insolence 
 no other way but by silent contempt. If I thought the 
 errors of your administration proceeded from a good inten- 
 tion, defeated by want of understanding, I should pity 
 your ignorance, and, in compassion, advise you to desist 
 from acting a part for which you are so ill qualified ; but 
 the preposterous conduct of such a man deeply affects the 
 interest of the community, especially that part of it which, 
 from its helpless situation, is the more entitled to your 
 protection and assistance. I am, moreover, convinced that 
 your misconduct is not so much the consequence of an 
 uninformed head, as the poisonous issue of a malignant 
 heart, devoid of humanity, inflamed with pride, and rankling 
 with revenge. The common prison of this little town is 
 filled with the miserable objects of your cruelty and op-
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 119 
 
 pression. Instead of protecting the helpless, restraining the 
 hands of violence, preserving the public tranquillity, and 
 acting as a father to the poor, according to the intent and 
 meaning of that institution of which you are an unworthy 
 member ; you have distressed the widow and the orphan, 
 given a loose to all the insolence of office, embroiled your 
 neighbours by fomenting suits and animosities, and played 
 the tyrant among the indigent and forlorn. You have 
 abused the authority with which you were invested, entailed 
 a reproach upon your office, and, instead of being revered 
 as a blessing, you are detested as a curse among your fellow- 
 creatures. This indeed is generally the case of low fellows, 
 who are thrust into the magistracy without sentiment, 
 education, or capacity. 
 
 " Among other instances of your iniquity, there is now 
 in prison an unhappy woman, infinitely your superior in the 
 advantages of birth, sense, and education, whom you have, 
 even without provocation, persecuted to ruin and distraction, 
 after having illegally and inhumanly kidnapped her only 
 child, and exposed him to a violent death in a foreign land. 
 Ah, caitiff ! if you were to forego all the comforts of life, 
 distribute your means among the poor, and do the severest 
 penance tha: ever priestcraft prescribed for the rest of your 
 days, you coald not atone for the ruin of that hapless family ; 
 a family through whose sides you cruelly and perfidiously 
 stabbed the heart of an innocent young woman, to gratify 
 the pride ard diabolical malice of that wretched low-bred 
 woman, who now sits at your right hand as the associate 
 of power and presumption. Oh ! if such a despicable 
 reptile shall annoy mankind with impunity, if such a con- 
 temptible miscreant shall have it in his power to do such 
 deeds of in\umanity and oppression, what avails the law i 
 Where is our admired constitution, the freedom, the security 
 of the subjtct, the boasted humanity of the British nation ! 
 Sacred Heaven ! if there was no human institution to take 
 cognisance >f such atrocious crimes, I would listen to the dic- 
 tates of eternal justice, and, arming myself with the right of 
 nature, exterminate such villains from the face of the earth !"
 
 120 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 These last words he pronounced in such a strain, while 
 his eyes lightened with indignation, that Gobble and his 
 wife underwent the most violent agitation ; the constable's 
 teeth chattered in his head, the jailer trembled, and the 
 whole audience was overwhelmed with consternation. 
 
 After a short pause, Sir Launcelot proceeded in a milder 
 strain : " Thank Heaven, the laws of this country have 
 exempted me from the disagreeable task of such an execution. 
 To them we shall have immediate recourse, in three separate 
 actions, against you for false imprisonment ; and any other 
 person who has been injured by your arbitrary and wicked 
 proceedings, in me shall find a warm protector, until you 
 shall be expunged from the commission with disgrace, and 
 have made such retaliation as your circumstances will allow 
 for the wrongs you have done the community." 
 
 In order to complete the mortification and terror of the 
 justice, the lawyer, whose name was Fenton, declared that, 
 to his certain knowledge, these actions would be reinforced 
 with divers prosecutions for corrupt practices, which had 
 lain dormant until some person of courage and influence 
 should take the lead against Justice Gobble, who was the 
 more dreaded, as he acted under the patronage of Lord 
 Sharpington. By this time fear had deprived the justice 
 and his helpmate of the faculty of speech. They were 
 indeed almost petrified with dismay, and made no effort 
 to speak, when Mr. Fillet, in the rear of the knight, as he 
 retired with his company, took his leave of ttem in these 
 words : " And now, Mr. Justice, to dinner with what 
 appetite you may." 
 
 Our adventurer, though warmly invited to Mr. Fenton's 
 house, repaired to a public inn, where he thougit he should 
 be more at his ease, fully determined to punish and depose 
 Gobble from his magistracy, to effect a general jail-delivery 
 of all the debtors whom he had found in confkement, and 
 in particular to rescue poor Mrs. Oakley from tie miserable 
 circumstances in which she was involved. 
 
 In the meantime he insisted upon entertaining his friends 
 at dinner, during which many sallies of sea-wi: and good
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 121 
 
 humour passed between Captain Crowe and Dr. Fillet, which 
 last had just returned from a neighbouring village, whither 
 he was summoned to fish a man's yard-arm, which had 
 snapped in the slings. Their enjoyment, however, was sud- 
 denly interrupted by a loud scream from the kitchen, whither 
 Sir Launcelot immediately sprang, with equal eagerness and 
 agility. There he saw the landlady, who was a woman in 
 years, embracing a man dressed in a sailor's jacket, while she 
 exclaimed, " It is thy own flesh and blood, so sure as I'm 
 a living soul. — Ah ! poor Greaves, poor Greaves, many a 
 poor heart has grieved for thee ! " To this salutation the 
 youth replied, " I'm sorry for that, mistress. — How does 
 poor mother ? how does Suky Sedgemoor ? " 
 
 The good woman of the house could not help shedding 
 tears at these interrogations ; while Sir Launcelot, inter- 
 posing, said, not without emotion, " I perceive you are the 
 son of Mrs. Oakley. — Your mother is in a bad state of health, 
 but in me you will find a real parent." Perceiving that the 
 young man eyed him with astonishment, he gave him to 
 understand that his name was Launcelot Greaves. 
 
 Oakley no sooner heard these words pronounced, than he 
 fell upon his knees, and seizing the knight's hand, kissed 
 it eagerly, crying, " God for ever bless your honour, I am 
 your name-son, sure enough — but what of that ? I can 
 earn my bread without being beholden to any man." 
 
 When the knight raised him up, he turned to the woman 
 of the house, saying, " I want to see mother. I'm afraid 
 as how times are hard with her ; and I have saved some 
 money for her use." This instance of filial duty brought 
 tears into the eyes of our adventurer, who assured him his 
 mother should be carefully attended, and want for nothing ; 
 but that it would be very improper to see her at present, 
 as the surprise might shock her too much, considering that 
 she believed him dead. " Ey, indeed," cried the landlady, 
 " we were all of the same opinion, being as the report went, 
 that poor Greaves Oakley was killed in battle." — " Lord, 
 mistress," said Oakley, " there wan't a word of truth in it, 
 I'll assure you. — What, d'ye think I'd tell a lie about the
 
 122 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 matter ? Hurt I was, to be sure, but that don't signify ; 
 we gave 'em as good as they brought, and so parted. — Well, 
 if so be I can't see mother, I'll go and have some chat with 
 Suky. — What d'ye look so glum for ? she an't married, is 
 she ? " — " No, no," replied the woman, " not married, but 
 almost heart-broken. Since thou wast gone she has done 
 nothing but sighed, and wept, and pined herself into a decay. 
 I'm afraid thou hast come too late to save her life." 
 
 Oakley's heart was not proof against this information. 
 Bursting into tears, he exclaimed, " O my dear, sweet, gentle 
 Suky ! Have I then lived to be the death of her whom I 
 loved more than the whole world ? " He would have gone in- 
 stantly to her father's house, but was restrained by the knight 
 and his company, who had now joined him in the kitchen. 
 
 The young man was seated at table, and gave them to 
 understand, that the ship to which he belonged having 
 arrived in England, he was indulged with a month's leave 
 to see his relations ; and that he had received about fifty 
 pounds in wages and prize-money. After dinner, just 
 as they began to deliberate upon the measures to be taken 
 against Gobble, that gentleman arrived at the inn, and 
 humbly craved admittance. Mr. Fillet, struck with a sudden 
 idea, retired into another apartment with the young farmer ; 
 while the justice, being admitted to the company, declared 
 that he came to propose terms of accommodation. He 
 accordingly offered to ask pardon of Sir Launcelot in the 
 public papers, and pay fifty pounds to the poor of the parish, 
 as an atonement for his misbehaviour, provided the knight 
 and his friends would grant him a general release. Our 
 adventurer told him, he would willingly waive all personal 
 concessions ; but, as the case concerned the community, 
 he insisted upon his leaving off acting in the commission, 
 and making satisfaction to the parties he had injured and 
 oppressed. This declaration introduced a discussion, in the 
 course of which the justice's petulance began to revive ; 
 when Fillet, entering the room, told them he had a recon- 
 ciling measure to propose, if Mr. Gobble would for a few 
 minutes withdraw.
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 123 
 
 He rose up immediately, and was shown into the room 
 which Fillet had prepared for his reception. While he sat 
 musing on this untoward adventure, so big with disgrace 
 and disappointment, young Oakley, according to the in- 
 structions he had received, appeared all at once before him, 
 pointing to a ghastly wound, which the doctor had painted 
 on his forehead. The apparition no sooner presented itself 
 to the eyes of Gobble, than, taking it for granted it was the 
 spirit of the young farmer whose death he had occasioned, 
 he roared aloud, " Lord have mercy upon us ! " and fell 
 insensible on the floor. There being found by the company, 
 to whom Fillet had communicated his contrivance, he was 
 conveyed to bed, where he lay some time before he recovered 
 the perfect use of his senses. Then he earnestly desired to 
 see the knight, and assured him he was ready to comply 
 with his terms, inasmuch as he believed he had not long to 
 live. Advantage was immediately taken of this salutary 
 disposition. He bound himself not tc act as a justice of 
 the peace, in any part of Great Britain, under the penalty 
 of five thousand pounds. He burnt Mrs. Oakley's note ; 
 paid the debts of the shopkeeper ; undertook to compound 
 those of the publican, and to settle him again in business ; 
 and, finally, discharged them all from prison, paying the 
 dues out of his own pocket. These steps being taken with 
 peculiar eagerness, he was removed to his own house, where 
 he assured his wife he had seen a vision that prognosticated 
 his death ; and had immediate recourse to the curate of the 
 parish for spiritual consolation. 
 
 The most interesting part of the task that now remained 
 was to make the widow Oakley acquainted with her good 
 fortune, in such a manner as might least disturb her spirits, 
 already but too much discomposed. For this purpose they 
 chose the landlady, who, after having received proper 
 directions how to regulate her conduct, visited her in person 
 that same evening. Finding her quite calm, and her 
 reflection quite restored, she began with exhorting her to 
 put her trust in Providence, which would never forsake ihe 
 cause of the injured widow and fatherless. She promised
 
 124 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 to assist and befriend her on all occasions, as far as her 
 abilities would reach. She gradually turned the conversation 
 upon the family of the Greaves ; and by degrees informed her, 
 that Sir Launcelot, having learned her situation, was deter- 
 mined to extricate her from all her troubles. Perceiving 
 her astonished, and deeply affected at this intimation, she 
 artfully shifted the discourse, recommended resignation to 
 the divine will, and observed, that this circumstance seemed 
 to be an earnest of further happiness. 
 
 " Oh ! I'm incapable of receiving more ! " cried the 
 disconsolate widow, with streaming eyes. — " Yet I ought 
 not to be surprised at any blessing that flows from that 
 quarter. The family of Greaves were always virtuous, 
 humane, and benevolent. This young gentleman's mother 
 was my dear lady and benefactress : — he himself was suckled 
 at these breasts. Oh ! he was the sweetest, comeliest, 
 best-conditioned babe ! — I loved not my own Greaves with 
 greater affection — but he, alas ! is now no more ! " " Have 
 patience, good neighbour," said the landlady of the White 
 Hart, " that is more than you have any right to affirm — all 
 that you know of the matter is by common report, and 
 common report is commonly false ; besides, I can tell you 
 I have seen a list of the men that were killed in Admiral 
 
 P 's ship, when he fought the French in the East Indies, 
 
 and your son was not in the number." To this intimation 
 she replied, after a considerable pause, " Don't, my good 
 neighbour, don't feed me with false hope. — My poor Greaves 
 too certainly perished in a foreign land — yet he is happy ; — 
 had he lived to see me in this condition, grief would soon 
 have put a period to his days." " I tell you then," cried 
 the visitant, " he is not dead. I have seen a letter that 
 mentions his being well since the battle. You shall come 
 along with me — you are no longer a prisoner, but shall 
 live at my house comfortably, till your affairs are settled 
 to your wish." The poor widow followed her in silent 
 astonishment, and was immediately accommodated with 
 necessaries. 
 
 Next morning her hostess proceeded with her in the same
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 125 
 
 cautious manner, until she was assured that her son had 
 returned. Being duly prepared, she was blessed with a sight 
 of poor Greaves, and fainted away in his arms. We shall 
 not dwell upon this tender scene, because it is but of a 
 secondary concern in the history of our knight-errant. Let 
 it suffice to say, their mutual happiness was unspeakable. 
 She was afterwards visited by Sir Launcelot, whom she no 
 sooner beheld, than springing forwards with all the eagerness 
 of maternal affection, she clasped him to her breast, crying, 
 " My dear child ! my Launcelot ! my pride ! my darling ! 
 my kind benefactor ! This is not the first time I have 
 hugged you in these arms ! Oh ! you are the very image 
 of Sir Everhard in his youth ; but you have got the eyes, the 
 complexion, the sweetness, and complacency of my dear 
 and ever-honoured lady." This was not in the strain of 
 hireling praise, but the genuine tribute of esteem and 
 admiration. As such, it could not but be agreeable to our 
 hero, who undertook to procure Oakley's discharge, and settle 
 him in a comfortable farm on his own estate. 
 
 In the meantime Greaves went with a heavy heart to 
 the house of Farmer Sedgemoor, where he found Suky, 
 who had been prepared for his reception, in a transport 
 of joy, though very weak, and greatly emaciated. Never- 
 theless, the return of her sweetheart had such a happy 
 effect on her constitution, that in a few weeks her health 
 was perfectly restored. 
 
 This adventure of our knight was crowned with every 
 happy circumstance that could give pleasure to a generous 
 mind. The prisoners were released, and reinstated in their 
 former occupations. The justice performed his articles 
 from fear, and afterwards turned over a new leaf from 
 remorse. Young Oakley was married to Suky, with whom 
 he received a considerable portion. The new-married 
 couple found a farm ready stocked for them on the knight's 
 estate, and the mother enjoyed a happy retreat in the 
 character of housekeeper at Greavesbury Hall.
 
 126 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 CHAPTER XIII 
 
 In which our Knight is tantalised with a transient Glimpse 
 
 of Felicity. 
 
 The success of our adventurer, which we have particularised 
 in the last chapter, could not fail of enhancing his character, 
 not only among those who knew him, but also among the 
 people of the town to whom he was not an utter stranger. 
 The populace surrounded the house, and testified their 
 approbation in loud huzzas. Captain Crowe was more than 
 ever inspired with veneration for his admired patron, and 
 more than ever determined to pursue his footsteps in the 
 road of chivalry. Fillet and his friend the lawyer could 
 not help conceiving an affection, and even a profound esteem 
 for the exalted virtue, the person, and accomplishments of 
 the knight, dashed as they were with a mixture of extrava- 
 gance and insanity. Even Sir Launcelot himself was 
 elevated to an extraordinary degree of self-complacency 
 on the fortunate issue of his adventure, and became more 
 and more persuaded that a knight-errant's profession might 
 be exercised, even in England, to the advantage of the 
 community. The only person of the company who seemed 
 unanimated with the general satisfaction was Mr. Thomas 
 Clarke. He had, not without good reason, laid it down as 
 a maxim, that knight-errantry and madness were synonymous 
 terms ; and that madness, though exhibited in the most 
 advantageous and agreeable light, could not change its 
 nature, but must continue a perversion of sense to the end 
 of the chapter. He perceived the additional impression 
 which the brain of his uncle had sustained, from the happy 
 manner in which the benevolence of Sir Launcelot had so 
 lately operated ; and began to fear it would be in a little 
 time quite necessary to have recourse to a commission of 
 lunacy, which might not only disgrace the family of the 
 Crowes, but also tend to invalidate the settlement which 
 the captain had already made in favour of our young lawyer. 
 Perplexed with these cogitations, Mr. Clarke appealed
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 127 
 
 to our adventurer's own reflection. He expatiated upon the 
 bad consequences that would attend his uncle's perseverance 
 in the execution of a scheme so foreign to his faculties ; 
 and entreated him, for the love of God, to divert him from 
 his purpose, either by arguments or authority ; as, of all 
 mankind, the knight alone had gained such an ascendency- 
 over his spirits, that he would listen to his exhortations 
 witli respect and submission. 
 
 Our adventurer was not so mad, but that he saw and owned 
 the rationality of these remarks. He readily undertook to 
 employ all his influence with Crowe, to dissuade him from 
 his extravagant design ; and seized the first opportunity of 
 being alone with the captain to signify his sentiments on 
 this subject. " Captain Crowe," said he, " you are then 
 determined to proceed in the course of knight-errantry ? " 
 — " I am," replied the seaman, " with God's help, d'ye see, 
 and the assistance of wind and weather." — " What dost 
 thou talk of wind and weather ? " cried the knight, in an 
 elevated tone of affected transport. " Without the help of 
 Heaven, indeed, we are all vanity, imbecility, weakness, and 
 wretchedness ; but if thou art resolved to embrace the life 
 of an errant, let me not hear thee so much as whisper a doubt, 
 a wish, a hope, or sentiment with respect to any other 
 obstacle, which wind or weather, fire or water, sword or 
 famine, danger or disappointment, may throw in the way 
 of thy career. When the duty of thy profession calls, thou 
 must singly rush upon innumerable hosts of armed men. 
 Thou must storm the breach in the mouth of batteries loaded 
 with death and destruction, while, every step thou movest, 
 thou art exposed to the horrible explosion of subterranean 
 mines, which, being sprung, will whirl thee aloft in air, a 
 mangled corpse, to feed the fowls of heaven. Thou must 
 leap into the abyss of dreadful caves and caverns, replete 
 with poisonous toads and hissing serpents ; thou must plunge 
 into seas of burning sulphur ; thou must launch upon the 
 ocean in a crazy bark, when the foaming billows roll moun- 
 tains high — when the lightning flashes, the thunder roars, 
 and the howling tempest blows, as if it would commix the
 
 128 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 jarring elements of air and water, earth and fire, and reduce 
 all nature to the original anarchy of chaos. Thus involved, 
 thou must turn thy prow full against the fury of the storm, 
 and stem the boisterous surge to thy destined port, though 
 at the distance of a thousand leagues. Thou must " 
 
 " Avast, avast, brother," exclaimed the impatient 
 Crowe, " you've got into the high latitudes, d'ye see. If so 
 be as you spank it away at that rate, adad, I can't continue 
 in tow — we must cast off the rope, or 'ware timbers. As for 
 your 'osts and breeches, and hurling aloft, d'ye see — your 
 caves and caverns, whistling tuods and serpents, burning 
 brimstone and foaming billows, we must take our hap — I 
 value 'em not a rotten ratline ; but as for sailing in the 
 wind's eye, brother, you must give me leave — no offence, 
 I hope — I pretend to be a thorough-bred seaman, d'ye see 
 — and I'll be d — ned if you, or e'er an arrant that broke 
 bi cuit, ever sailed in a three-mast vessel with[in] five points 
 of the wind, allowing for variation and lee-way. No, no, 
 brother, none of your tricks upon travellers — I an't now to 
 learn my compass." — " Tricks ! " cried the knight, starting 
 up, and laying his hand on the pummel of his sword ; " what ! 
 suspect my honour ? " 
 
 Crowe, supposing him to be really incensed, interrupted 
 him with great earnestness, saying," Nay, don't — whatapize ! 
 — adds-buntlines ! — I didn't go to give you the lie, brother, 
 fmite my limbs ; I only said as how to sail in the wind's eye 
 was impossible." — " And I say unto thee," resumed the 
 knight, " nothing is impossible to a true knight-errant, 
 inspired and animated by love." — " And I say unto thee," 
 hallooed Crowe, " if so be as how love pretends to turn his 
 hawse-holes to the wind, he's no seaman, d'ye see, but a 
 snotty-nosed lubberly boy, that knows not a cat from a 
 capstan — a don't." 
 
 " He that does not believe that love is an infallible pilot 
 must not embark upon the voyage of chivalry, for, next to 
 the protection of Heaven, it is from love that the knight 
 derives all his prowess and glory. The bare name of his 
 mistress invigorates his arm ; the remembrance of her beauty
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 129 
 
 infuses into his breast the most heroic sentiments of courage, 
 while the idea of her chastity hedges him round like a charm, 
 and renders him invulnerable to the sword of his antagonist. 
 A knight without a mistress is a mere nonentity, or, at least, 
 a monster in nature — a pilot without a compass, a ship 
 without rudder, and must be driven to and fro upon the 
 waves of discomfiture and disgrace." 
 
 " An that be all," replied the sailor, " I told you before 
 as how I've got a sweetheart, as true a hearted girl as ever 
 swung in canvas. What thof she may have started a hoop 
 in rolling, that signifies nothing ; I'll warrant her tight as 
 a nutshell." 
 
 " She must, in your opinion, be a paragon either of beauty 
 or virtue. Now, as you have given up the last, you must 
 uphold her charms unequalled, and her person without a 
 parallel." — " I do, I do uphold she will sail upon a parallel 
 as well as e'er a frigate that was rigged to the northward 
 of fifty." 
 
 " At that rate she must rival the attractions of her whom 
 I adore ; but that I say is impossible. The perfections 
 of my Aurelia are altogether supernatural ; and as two 
 suns cannot shine together in the same sphere with equal 
 splendour, so I affirm, and will prove with my body, that 
 your mistress, in comparison with mine, is as a glow-worm 
 to the meridian sun, a rushlight to the full moon, or a stale 
 mackerel's eye to a pearl of orient." — " Harkee, brother, 
 you might give good words, however. An we once fall 
 a-jawing, d'ye see, I can heave out as much bilgewater as 
 another : and since you besmear my sweetheart Besselia, 
 I can as well bedaub your mistress Aurelia, whom I value 
 no more than old junk, pork slush, or stinking stock-fish." 
 
 " Enough, enough ! — such blasphemy shall not pass un- 
 chastised. In consideration of our having fed from the 
 same table, and maintained together a friendly, though short 
 intercourse, I will not demand the combat before you are 
 duly prepared. Proceed to the first great town, where you 
 can be furnished with horse and harnessing, with arms 
 offensive and defensive ; provide a trusty squire, assume a 
 
 9
 
 130 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 motto and device, declare yourself a son of chivalry, and 
 proclaim the excellence of her who rules your heart. I shall 
 fetch a compass ; and wheresoever we may chance to meet, 
 let us engage with equal arms in mortal combat, that shall 
 decide and determine this dispute." 
 
 So saying, our adventurer stalked with great solemnity 
 into another apartment ; while Crowe, being sufficiently 
 irritated, snapped his fingers in token of defiance. Honest 
 Crowe thought himself scurvily used by a man whom he 
 had cultivated with such humility and veneration ; and, after 
 an incoherent ejaculation of sea oaths, went in quest of his 
 nephew, in order to make him acquainted with this unlucky 
 transaction. 
 
 In the meantime, Sir Launcelot, having ordered supper, 
 retired into his own chamber, and gave a loose to the most 
 tender emotions of his heart. He recollected all the fond 
 ideas which had been excited in the course of his correspond- 
 ence with the charming Aurelia. He remembered, with 
 horror, the cruel letter he had received from that young 
 lady, containing a formal renunciation of his attachment, 
 so unsuitable to the whole tenor of her character and con- 
 duct. He revolved the late adventure of the coach, and 
 the declaration of Mr. Clarke, with equal eagerness and 
 astonishment ; and was seized with the most ardent desire 
 of unravelling a mystery so interesting to the predominant 
 passion of his heart. All these mingled considerations 
 produced a kind of ferment in the economy of his mind, 
 which subsided into a profound reverie, compounded of 
 hope and perplexity. 
 
 From this trance he was waked by the arrival of his squire, 
 who entered the room with the blood trickling over his nose, 
 and stood before him without speaking. When the knight 
 asked whose livery was that he wore ? he replied, " 'Tis your 
 honour's own livery ; I received it on your account, and 
 hope as you will quit the score." Then he proceeded to 
 inform his master, that two officers of the army having come 
 into the kitchen, insisted upon having for their supper the 
 victuals which Sir Launcelot had bespoken ; and that he,
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 131 
 
 the squire, objecting to the proposal, one of them had seized 
 the poker, and basted him with his own blood ; that when 
 he told them he belonged to a knight-errant, and threatened 
 them with the vengeance of his master, they cursed and 
 abused him, calling him Sancho Panza, and such dog's 
 names ; and bade him tell his master, Don Quicksot, that, 
 if he made any noise, they would confine him to his cage 
 and lie with his mistress, Dulcinea. " To be sure, sir," 
 said he, " they thought you as great a nincompoop as your 
 squire — trim-tram, like master, like man ; but I hope as 
 how you will give them a Rowland for their Oliver." 
 
 " Miscreant ! " cried the knight, " you have provoked 
 the gentlemen with your impertinence, and they have 
 chastised you as you deserve. I tell thee, Crabshaw, they 
 have saved me the trouble of punishing thee with my own 
 hands ; and well it is for thee, sinner as thou art, that they 
 themselves have performed the office, for, had they com- 
 plained to me of thy insolence and rusticity, by Heaven ! 
 I would have made thee an example to all the impudent 
 squires upon the face of the earth. Hence, then ! avaunt, 
 caitiff ! let his majesty's officers, who perhaps are fatigued 
 with hard duty in the service of their country, comfort them- 
 selves with the supper which was intended for me, and leave 
 me undisturbed to my own meditations." 
 
 Timothy did not require a repetition of this command, 
 which he forthwith obeyed, growling within himself, that 
 thenceforward he should let every cuckold wear his own 
 horns ; but he could not help entertaining some doubts 
 with respect to the courage of his master, who, he supposed, 
 was one of those hectors who have their fighting days, but 
 are not at all times equally prepared for the combat. 
 
 The knight, having taken a slight repast, retired to his 
 repose, and had for some time enjoyed a very agreeable 
 slumber, when he was startled by a knocking at his chamber 
 door. " I beg your honour's pardon," said the landlady, 
 " but there are two uncivil persons in the kitchen who have 
 well-nigh turned my whole house topsy-turvy. Not content 
 with laying violent hands on your honour's supper, th y
 
 132 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 want to be rude to two young ladies who are just arrived, 
 and have called for a post-chaise to go on. They are afraid 
 to open their chamber door to get out, and the young lawyer 
 is like to be murdered for taking the ladies' part." 
 
 Sir Launcelot, though he refused to take notice of the 
 insult which had been offered to himself, no sooner heard 
 of the distress of the ladies than he started up, huddled on 
 his clothes, and girding his sword to his loins, advanced with 
 a deliberate pace to the kitchen, where he perceived Thomas 
 Clarke warmly engaged in altercation with a couple of young 
 men dressed in regimentals, who, with a peculiar air of 
 arrogance and ferocity, treated him with great insolence 
 and contempt. Tom was endeavouring to persuade them, 
 that, in the constitution of England, the military was always 
 subservient to the civil power, and that their behaviour to 
 a couple of helpless young women was not only unbecoming 
 gentlemen, but expressly contrary to the law, inasmuch as 
 they might be sued for an assault on an action of damages. 
 
 To this remonstrance the two heroes in red replied by a 
 volley of dreadful oaths, intermingled with threats, which 
 put the lawyer in some pain for his ears. 
 
 While one thus endeavoured to intimidate honest Tom 
 Clarke, the other thundered at the door of the apartment 
 to which the ladies had retired, demanding admittance, but 
 received no other answer than a loud shriek. Our adventurer 
 advancing to this uncivil champion, accosted him thus, in 
 a grave and solemn tone : " Assuredly I could not have 
 believed, except upon the evidence of my own senses, that 
 persons who have the appearance of gentlemen, and bear 
 his majesty's honourable commission in the army, could 
 behave so wide of the decorum due to society, of a proper 
 respect to the laws, of that humanity which we owe to our 
 fellow-creatures, and that uelicate regard for the fair sex 
 which ought to prevail in the breast of every gentleman, 
 and which in particular dignifies the character of a soldier. 
 To whom shall that weaker, though more amiable part of 
 the creation, fly for protection, if they are insulted and 
 outraged by those whose more immediate duty it is to afford
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 133 
 
 them security and defence from injury and violence ? What 
 right have you, or any man upon earth, to excite riot in a 
 public inn, which may be deemed a temple sacred to hos- 
 pitality ; to disturb the quiet of your fellow-guests, some 
 of them perhaps exhausted by fatigue, some of them invaded 
 by distemper ; to interrupt the king's lieges in their course 
 of journeying upon their lawful occasions ? Above all, what 
 motive but wanton barbarity could prompt you to violate 
 the apartment, and terrify the tender hearts of two helpless 
 young ladies, travelling, no doubt, upon some cruel emer- 
 gency, which compels them, unattended, to encounter in 
 the night the dangers of the highway ? " 
 
 " Heark ye, Don Bethlem," said the captain, strutting up, 
 and cocking his hat in the face of our adventurer, " you may 
 be as mad as ever a straw-crowned monarch in Moorfields, 
 for aught I care, but d — n me ! don't you be saucy, other- 
 wise I shall dub your worship with a good stick across your 
 shoulders." — " How ! petulant boy," cried the knight, 
 " since you are so ignorant of urbanity, I will give you a 
 lesson that you shall not easily forget." So saying, he 
 unsheathed his sword, and called upon the soldier to draw 
 in his defence. 
 
 The reader may have seen the physiognomy of a stock- 
 holder at Jonathan's when the rebels were at Derby, or the 
 features of a bard when accosted by a bailiff, or the counte- 
 nance of an alderman when his banker stops payment ; if 
 he has seen either of these phenomena, he may conceive the 
 appearance that was now exhibited by the visage of the 
 ferocious captain, when the naked sword of Sir Launcelot 
 glanced before his eyes ; far from attempting to produce 
 his own, which was of unconscionable length, he stood 
 motionless as a statue, staring with the most ghastly look 
 of terror and astonishment. His companion, who partook 
 of his panic, seeing matters brought to a very serious crisis, 
 interposed with a crest-fallen countenance, assuring Sir 
 Launcelot they had no intention to quarrel, and what they 
 had done was entirely for the sake of the frolic. 
 
 " By such frolics," cried the knight, " you become nuisances
 
 134 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 to society, bring yourselves into contempt, and disgrace the 
 corps to which you belong. I now perceive the truth of the 
 observation, that cruelty always resides with cowardice. 
 My contempt is changed into compassion, and as you are 
 probably of good families, I must insist upon this young 
 man's drawing his sword, and acquitting himself in such a 
 manner as may screen him from the most infamous censure 
 which an officer can undergo." — " Lack-a-day, sir," said the 
 other, " we are no officers, but prentices to two London 
 haberdashers, travellers for orders ; Captain is a good travel- 
 ling name, and we have dressed ourselves like officers to 
 procure more respect upon the road." 
 
 The knight said he was very glad, for the honour of the 
 service, to find they were impostors, though they deserved 
 to be chastised for arrogating to themselves an honourable 
 character which they had not spirit to sustain. 
 
 These words were scarce pronounced, when Mr. Clarke 
 approaching one of the bravadoes, who had threatened to 
 crop his ears, bestowed such a benediction on his jaw, as 
 he could not receive without immediate humiliation ; while 
 Timothy Crabshaw, smarting from his broken head and his 
 want of supper, saluted the other with a Yorkshire hug, 
 that laid him across the body of his companion. In a word, 
 the two pseudo-officers were very roughly handled, for 
 their presumption in pretending to act characters for which 
 they were so ill qualified. 
 
 While Clarke and Crabshaw were thus laudably employed, 
 the two young ladies passed through the kitchen so suddenly, 
 that the knight had only a transient glimpse of their backs, 
 and they disappeared before he could possibly make a tender 
 of his services. The truth is, they dreaded nothing so much 
 as their being discovered, and took the first opporunity of 
 gliding into the chaise, which had been for some time waiting 
 in the passage. 
 
 Mr. Clarke was much more disconcerted than our adven- 
 turer by their sudden escape. He ran with great eagerness 
 to the door, and, perceiving they were flown, returned to 
 Sir Launcelot, saying, " Lord bless my soul, sir, didn't
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 135 
 
 you see who it was ? ' : "Ha! how!" exclaim d the 
 knight, reddening with alarm, " who was it ? " " One of 
 them," replied the lawyer, " was Dolly, our old landlady's 
 daughter at the Black Lion. I knew her when first she 
 'lighted, notwithstanding her being neatly dressed in a 
 green Joseph, which, I'll assure you, sir, becomes her remark- 
 ably well. — I'd never desire to see a prettier creature. 
 As for the other, she's a very genteel woman, but whether 
 old or young, ugly or handsome, I can't pretend to say, 
 for she was masked. I had just time to salute Dolly, and 
 ask a few questions ; but all she could tell me was, that the 
 masked lady's name was Miss Meadows ; and that she, Dolly, 
 was hired as her waiting-woman." 
 
 When the name of Meadows was mentioned, Sir Launcelot, 
 whose spirits had been in violent commotion, became sud- 
 denly calm and serene, and he began to communicate to 
 Clarke the dialogue which had passed between him and 
 Captain Crowe, when the hostess, addressing herself to our 
 errant, " Well," said she, " I have had the honour to accom- 
 modate many ladies of the first fashion at the White Hart, 
 both young and old, proud and lowly, ordinary and hand- 
 some ; but such a miracle as Miss Meadows I never yet did 
 see. — Lord, let me never thrive but I think she is of some- 
 thing more than a human creature ! — Oh ! had your honour 
 but set eyes on her, you would have said it was a vision from 
 heaven, a cherubim of beauty. For my part, I can hardly 
 think it was anything but a dream — then so meek, so mild, 
 so good-natured and generous ! I say, blessed is the young 
 woman who tends upon such a heavenly creature — and, 
 poor dear young lady ! she seems to be under grief and 
 afflicton, for the tears stole down her lovely cheeks, and looked 
 for all the world like orient pearl." 
 
 Sir Launcelot listened attentively to the description, 
 which reminded him of his dear Aurelia, and, sighing 
 bitterly, withdrew to his own apartment.
 
 136 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 CHAPTER XIV 
 
 Which shows that a Man cannot always sip, when the Cup 
 is at his Lip. 
 
 Those who have felt the doubts, the jealousies, the resent- 
 ments, the humiliations, the hopes, the despair, the im- 
 patience, and, in a word, the infinite disquiets of love, 
 will be able to conceive the sea of agitation on which our 
 adventurer was tossed all night long, without repose or 
 intermission. Sometimes he resolved to employ all his 
 industry and address in discovering the place in which 
 Aurelia was sequestered, that he might rescue her from the 
 supposed restraint to which she had been subjected. But 
 when his heart beat high with the anticipation of this 
 exploit, he was suddenly invaded, and all his ardour checked, 
 by the remembrance of that fatal letter, written and signed 
 by her own hand, which had divorced him from all hope, 
 and first unsettled his understanding. The emotions waked 
 by this remembrance were so strong that he leaped from 
 the bed, and the fire being still burning in the chimney, 
 lighted a candle, that he might once more banquet his 
 spleen by reading the original billet, which, together with 
 the ring he had received from Miss Darnel's mother, he 
 kept in a small box, carefully deposited within his port- 
 manteau. This being instantly unlocked, he unfolded the 
 paper, and recited the contents in these words : 
 
 " Sir, — Obliged as I am by the passion you profess, and 
 eagerness with which you endeavour to give me the most 
 convincing proof of your regard, I feel some reluctance in 
 making you acquainted with a circumstance, which, in all 
 probability, you will not learn without some disquiet. But 
 the affair is become so interesting, I am compelled to tell 
 you, that however agreeable your proposals may have been 
 to those whom I thought it my duty to please by every 
 reasonable concession, and howsoever you may have been 
 flattered by the seeming complacency with which I have
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 137 
 
 heard your addresses, I now find it absolutely necessary 
 to speak in a decisive strain, to assure you, that, without 
 sacrificing my own peace, I cannot admit a continuation 
 of your correspondence ; and that your regard for me will 
 be best shown by your desisting from a pursuit which is 
 altogether inconsistent with the happiness of 
 
 " Aurelia Darnel." 
 
 Having pronounced aloud the words that composed this 
 dismission, he hastily replaced the cruel scroll, and being 
 too well acquainted with the hand to harbour the least 
 doubt of its being genuine, threw himself into his bed in a 
 transport of despair, mingled with resentment, during the 
 predominancy of which he determined to proceed in the 
 career of adventure, and endeavour to forget the unkindness 
 of his mistress amidst the avocations of knight-errantry. 
 
 Such was the resolution that governed his thoughts, when 
 he rose in the morning, ordered Crabshaw to saddle Bronzo- 
 marte, and demanded a bill of his expense. Before these 
 orders could be executed, the good woman of the house 
 entering his apartment told him, with marks of concern, 
 that the poor young lady, Miss Meadows, had dropped her 
 :pocket-book in the next chamber, where it was found by 
 the hostess, who now presented it unopened. 
 
 Our knight having called in Mrs. Oakley and her son as 
 
 witnesses, unfolded the book without reading one syllable 
 
 )f the contents, and found in it five bank-notes, amounting 
 
 :o two hundred and thirty pounds. Perceiving at once the 
 
 oss of this treasure might be attended with the most em- 
 
 )arrassing consequences to the owner, and reflecting that 
 
 his was a case which demanded the immediate interposition 
 
 nd assistance of chivalry, he declared that he himself would 
 
 onvey it safely into the hands of Miss Meadows ; and desired 
 
 o know the road she had pursued, that he might set out in 
 
 uest of her without a moment's delay. It was not without 
 
 )me difficulty that this information was obtained from 
 
 he postboy, who had been enjoined to secrecy by the lady, 
 
 ad even gratified with a handsome reward for his promised
 
 138 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 discretion. The same method was used to make him disgorge 
 his trust ; he undertook to conduct Sir Launcelot, who hired 
 a post-chaise for despatch, and immediately departed, after 
 having directed his squire to follow his track with the horses. 
 
 Yet, whatever haste he made, it is absolutely necessary, 
 for the reader's satisfaction, that we should outstrip the 
 chaise, and visit the ladies before his arrival. We shall 
 therefore, without circumlocution, premise, that Miss 
 Meadows was no other than that paragon of beauty and 
 goodness, the all-accomplished Miss Aurelia Darnel. She 
 had, with that meekness of resignation peculiar to herself, 
 for some years submitted to every species of oppression 
 which her uncle's tyranny of disposition could plan, and 
 his unlimited power of guardianship execute, till at length 
 it rose to such a pitch of despotism as she could not endure. 
 He had projected a match between his niece and one Philip 
 Sycamore, Esq., a young man who possessed a pretty con- 
 siderable estate in the north country ; who liked Aurelia's 
 person, but was enamoured of her fortune, and had offered 
 to purchase Anthony's interest and alliance with certain 
 concessions, which could not but be agreeable to a man 
 of loose principles, who would have found it a difficult task 
 to settle the accounts of his wardship. 
 
 According to the present estimate of matrimonial felicity, 
 Sycamore might have found admittance as a future son-in- 
 law to any private family of the kingdom. He was by birth 
 a gentleman, tall, straight, and muscular, with a fair, sleek, 
 unmeaning face, that promised more simplicity than ill- 
 nature. His education had not been neglected, and he 
 inherited an estate of five thousand a year. Miss Darnel, 
 however, had penetration enough to discover and despise 
 him, as a strange composition of rapacity and profusion, 
 absurdity and good sense, bashfulness and impudence, 
 self-conceit and diffidence, awkwardness and ostentation, 
 insolence and good-nature, rashness and timidity. He 
 was continually surrounded and preyed upon by certain 
 vermin called Led Captains and Buffoons, who showed 
 him in leading-strings like a sucking giant, rifled his pockets 

 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 139 
 
 without ceremony, ridiculed him to his face, traduced his 
 character, and exposed him in a thousand ludicrous attitudes 
 for the diversion of the public ; while at the same time he 
 knew their knavery, saw their drift, detested their morals, 
 and despised their understanding. He was so infatuated 
 by indolence of thought, and communication with folly, 
 that he would have rather suffered himself to be led into a 
 ditch with company, than be at the pains of going over a 
 bridge alone, and involved himself in a thousand difficulties, 
 the natural consequences of an error in the first concoction, 
 which, though he plainly saw it, he had not resolution 
 enough to avoid. 
 
 Such was the character of Squire Sycamore, who professed 
 himself the rival of Sir Launcelot Greaves in the good graces 
 of Miss Aurelia Darnel. He had in this pursuit persevered 
 with more constancy and fortitude than he ever exerted 
 in any other instance. Being generally needy from extrava- 
 gance, he was stimulated by his wants, and animated by his 
 vanity, which was artfully instigated by his followers, who 
 hoped to share the spoils of his success. These motives 
 were reinforced by the incessant and eager exhortations 
 of Anthony Darnel, who seeing his ward in the last year of 
 her minority, thought there was no time to be lost in securing 
 his own indemnification, and snatching his niece for ever 
 from the hopes of Sir Launcelot, whom he now hated with 
 redoubled animosity. Finding Aurelia deaf to all his 
 remonstrances, proof against ill usage, and resolutely averse 
 to the proposed union with Sycamore, he endeavoured to 
 detach her thoughts from Sir Launcelot, by forging tales 
 to the prejudice of his constancy and moral character ; and, 
 finally, by recapitulating the proofs and instances of his 
 distraction, which he particularised witix the most malicious 
 exaggerations. 
 
 In spite of all his arts, he found it impracticable to surmount 
 her objections to the proposed alliance, and therefore 
 changed his battery. Instead of transferring her to the 
 arms of his friend, he resolved to detain her in his own 
 power by a legal claim, which would invest him with the
 
 140 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 uncontrolled management of her affairs. This was a charge 
 of lunacy, in consequence of which he hoped to obtain a 
 commission, to secure a jury to his wish, and be appointed 
 sole committee of her person, as well as steward on her 
 estate, of which he would then be heir-apparent. 
 
 As the first steps towards the execution of this honest 
 scheme, he had subjected Aurelia to the superintendency 
 and direction of an old duenna, who had been formerly the 
 procuress of his pleasures, and hired a new set of servants, 
 who were given to understand, at their first admission, 
 that the yonng lady was disordered in her brain. 
 
 An impression of this nature is easily preserved among 
 servants, when the master of the family thinks his interest 
 is concerned in supporting the imposture. The melancholy 
 produced from her confinement, and the vivacity of her 
 resentment under ill usage, were, by the address of Anthony, 
 and the prepossession of his domestics, perverted into the 
 effects of insanity ; and the same interpretation was strained 
 upon her most indifferent words and actions. 
 
 The tidings of Miss Darnel's disorder was carefully circu- 
 lated in whispers, and soon reached the ears of Mr. Sycamore, 
 who was not at all pleased with the information. From his 
 knowledge of Anthony's disposition, he suspected the truth 
 of the report ; and, unwilling to see such a prize ravished 
 as it were from his grasp, he, with the advice and assistance 
 of his myrmidons, resolved to set the captive at liberty, 
 in full hope of turning the adventure to his own advantage ; 
 for he argued in this manner : — "If she is in fact compos mentis, 
 her gratitude will operate in my behalf, and even prudence 
 will advise her to embrace the proffered asylum from the 
 villainy of her uncle. If she is really disordered, it will 
 be no great difficulty to deceive her into marriage, and then 
 I become her trustee of course." 
 
 The plan was well conceived, but Sycamore had not 
 discretion enough to keep his own counsel. From weakness 
 and vanity, he blabbed the design, which in a little time 
 was communicated to Anthony Darnel, and he took his 
 precautions accordingly. Being infirm in his own person
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 141 
 
 and consequently unfit for opposing the violence of some 
 desperadoes, whom he knew to be the satellites of Sycamore, 
 he prepared a private retreat for his ward at the house of 
 an old gentleman, the companion of his youth, whom he 
 had imposed upon with the fiction of her being disordered in 
 her understanding, and amused with a story of a dangerous 
 design upon her person. Thus cautioned and instructed, 
 the gentleman had gone with his own coach and servants 
 to receive Aurelia and her governante at a third house, 
 to which she had been privately removed from her uncle's 
 habitation ; and in this journey it was that she had been so 
 accidentally protected from the violence of the robbers by 
 the interposition and prowess of our adventurer. 
 
 As he did not wear his helmet in that exploit, she recognised 
 his features as he passed the coach, and, struck with the 
 apparition, shrieked aloud. She had been assured by her 
 guardian that his design was to convey her to her own house ; 
 but perceiving in the sequel that the carriage struck off upon 
 a different road, and finding herself in the hands of strangers, 
 she began to dread a much more disagreeable fate, and con- 
 ceived doubts and ideas that filled her tender heart with 
 horror and affliction. When she expostulated with the 
 duenna, she was treated like a changeling, admonished to 
 be quiet, and reminded that she was under the direction 
 of those who would manage her with a tender regard to 
 her own welfare, and the honour of her family. When she 
 addressed herself to the old gentleman, who was not much 
 subject to the emotions of humanity, and besides firmly per- 
 suaded that she was deprived of her reason, he made no answer, 
 but laid his finger on his mouth by way of enjoining silence. 
 This mysterious behaviour aggravated the fears of the 
 poor hapless young lady ; and her terrors waxed so strong, 
 that when she saw Tom Clarke, whose face she knew, she 
 called aloud for assistance, and even pronounced the name 
 of his patron Sir Launcelot Greaves, which she imagined 
 might stimulate him the more to attempt something for 
 her deliverance. 
 
 The reader has already been informed in what manner the
 
 H 2 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 endeavours of Tom and his uncle miscarried. Miss Darnel's 
 new keeper having in the course of his journey halted for 
 refreshment at the Black Lion, of which being landlord, 
 he believed the good woman and her family were entirely- 
 devoted to his will and pleasure, Aurelia found an opportunity 
 of speaking in private to Dolly, who had a very prepossessing 
 appearance. She conveyed a purse of money into the hands 
 of this young woman, telling her, while the tears trickled 
 down her cheeks, that she was a young lady of fortune, in 
 danger, as she apprehended, of assassination. This hint, 
 which she communicated in a whisper while the governante 
 stood at the other end of the room, was sufficient to interest 
 the compassionate Dolly in her behalf. As soon as the coach 
 departed, she made her mother acquainted with the transac- 
 tion, and as they naturally concluded that the young lady 
 expected their assistance, they resolved to approve themselves 
 worthy of her confidence. 
 
 Dolly having enlisted in their design a trusty countryman, 
 one of her own professed admirers, they set out together 
 for the house of the gentleman in which the fair prisoner 
 was confined, and waited for her in secret at the end of a 
 pleasant park, in which th y naturally concluded she might 
 be indulged with the privilege of taking the air. The 
 event justified their conception ; on the very first day of 
 their watch they saw her approach, accompanied by her 
 duenna. Dolly and her attei.-lant immediately tied their 
 horses to a stake, and retired into a thicket, which Aurelia 
 did not fail to enter. Dolly forthwith appeared, and, 
 taking her by the hand, led her to the horses, one of which 
 she mounted in the utmost hurry and trepidation, while the 
 countryman bound the duenna with a cord prepared for the 
 purpose, gagged her mouth, and tied her to a tree, where 
 he left her to her own meditations. Then he mounted 
 before Dolly, and through unfrequented paths conducted 
 his charge to an inn on the post-road, where a chaise was 
 ready for their reception. 
 
 As he refused to proceed farther, lest his absence from 
 his own home should create suspicion, Aurelia rewarded him
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 143 
 
 liberally, but would not part with her faithful Dolly, who 
 indeed had no inclination to be discharged ; such an affection 
 and attachment had she already acquired for the amiable 
 fugitive, though she knew neither her story nor her true 
 name. Aurelia thought proper to conceal both, and 
 assumed the fictitious appellation of Meadows, until she 
 should be better acquainted with the disposition and dis- 
 cretion of her new attendant. 
 
 The first resolution she could take, in the present flutter 
 of her spirits, was to make the best of her way to London, 
 where she thought she might find an asylum in the house 
 of a female relation, married to an eminent physician, known 
 by the name of Kawdle. In the execution of this hasty 
 resolve, she travelled at a violent rate, from stage to stage, in a 
 carriage drawn by four horses, without halting for necessary 
 refreshment or repose, until she judged herself out of danger 
 of being overtaken. As she appeared overwhelmed with 
 grief and consternation, the good-natured Dolly endeavoured 
 to alleviate her distress with diverting discourse, and, among 
 other less interesting stories, entertained her with the adven- 
 tures of Sir Launcelot and Captain Crowe, which she had 
 seen and heard recited while they remained at the Black 
 Lion ; nor did she fail to introduce Mr. Thomas Clarke 
 in her narrative, with such a favourable representation 
 of his person and character, as plainly discovered that her 
 own heart had received a rude shock from the irresistible 
 force of his qualifications. 
 
 The history of Sir Launcelot Greaves was a theme which 
 effeciually fixed the attention of Aurelia, distracted as her 
 ideas must have been by the circumstances of her present 
 situation. The particulars of his conduct since the corre- 
 spondence between him and her had ceased, she heard with 
 equal concern and astonishment ; for, how far soever she 
 deemed herself detached from all possibility of future con- 
 nection with that young gentleman, she was not made of such 
 indifferent stuff as to learn without emotion the calamitous 
 disorder of an accomplished youth, whose extraordinary 
 virtues she could rmt but revere.
 
 144 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 As they had deviated from the post-road, taken precautions 
 to conceal their route, and made such progress, that they 
 were now within one day's journey of London, the careful 
 and affectionate Dolly, seeing her dear lady quite exhausted 
 with fatigue, used all her natural rhetoric, which was very 
 powerful, mingled with tears that flowed from the heart, in 
 persuading Aurelia to enjoy some repose ; and so far she 
 succeeded in the attempt, that for one night the toil of travel- 
 ling was intermitted. This recess from incredible fatigue 
 was a pause that afforded our adventurer time to overtake 
 them before they reached the metropolis, that vast labyrinth, 
 in which Aarelia might have been for ever lost to his inquiry. 
 
 It was in the afternoon of the day which succeeded his 
 departure from the White Hart, that Sir Launcelot arrived 
 at the inn, where Miss Aurelia Darnel had bespoken a dish 
 of tea, and a post-chaise for the next stage. He had by 
 inquiry chased her a considerable way, without ever dreaming 
 who the person really was whom he thus pursued, and now 
 he desired to speak with her attendant. Dolly was not a 
 little surprised to see Sir Launcelot Greaves, of whose char- 
 acter she had conceived a very sublime idea from the narrative 
 of Mr. Thomas Clarke ; but she was still more surprised 
 when he gave her to understand that he had charged himself 
 with a pocket-book, containing the bank-notes which Miss 
 Meadows had dropped in the house where they had been 
 threatened with insult. Miss Darnel had not yet discovered 
 her disaster, when her attendant, running into the apartment, 
 presented the prize which she had received from our adven- 
 turer, with his compliments to Miss Meadows, implying a 
 request to be admitted into her presence, that he might 
 make a personal tender of his best services. 
 
 It is not to be supposed that the amiabie Aurelia heard 
 unmoved such a message from a person, whom her maid 
 discovered to be the identical Sir Launcelot Greaves, whose 
 story she had so lately related ; but as the ensuing scene 
 requires fresh attention in the reader, we shall defer it till 
 another opportunity, when his spirits shall be recruited 
 from the fatigue of this chapter.
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 145 
 
 CHAPTER XV 
 
 Exhibiting an Interview, which, it is to be hoped, will 
 Interest the Curiosity of the Reader. 
 
 The mind of the delicate Aurelia was strangely agitated 
 by the intelligence which she received with her pocket-book 
 from Dolly. Confounded as she was by the nature of her 
 situation, she at once perceived that she could not, with 
 any regard to the dictates of gratitude, refuse complying 
 with the request of Sir Launcelot ; but, in the first hurry 
 of her emotion, she directed Dolly to beg, in her name, that 
 she might be excused for wearing a mask at the interview 
 which he desired, as she had particular reasons, which con- 
 cerned her peace, for retaining that disguise. Our adventurer 
 submitted to this preliminary with a good grace, as he had 
 nothing in view but the injunction of his order, and the 
 duties of humanity ; and he was admitted without further 
 preamble. 
 
 When he entered the room, he could not help being 
 struck with the presence of Aurelia. Her stature was im- 
 proved since he had seen her ; her shape was exquisitely 
 formed, and she received him with an air of dignity, which 
 impressed him with a very sublime idea of her person and 
 character. She was no less affected at the sight of our 
 adventurer, who, though cased in armour, appeared with hL 
 head uncovered ; and the exercise of travelling had thrown 
 such a glow of health and vivacity on his features, which were 
 naturally elegant and expressive, that we will venture to say, 
 there was not in all England a couple that excelled this 
 amiable pair in personal beauty and accomplishments. Aurelia 
 shone with all the fabled graces of nymph or goddess ; and 
 to Sir Launcelot might be applied what the divine poet 
 Ariosto says of the Prince Zerbino : 
 
 Natura il fece c poi ruppe la stampa. 
 
 When Nature stamp'd him, she the die destroy'd. 
 
 Our adventurer having made his obeisance to this supposed 
 
 Miss Meadows, told her, with an air of pleasantry, that 
 
 10
 
 146 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 although he thought himself highly honoured in being 
 admitted to her presence, and allowed to pay his respects to 
 her, as superior beings are adored, unseen ; yet his pleasure 
 would receive a very considerable addition, if she would be 
 pleased to withdraw that invidious veil, that he might have a 
 glimpse of the divinity which it concealed. Aurelia imme- 
 diately took off her mask, saying with a faltering accent, 
 " I cannot be so ungrateful as to deny such a small favour 
 to a gentleman who has laid me under the most important 
 obligations." 
 
 The unexpected apparition of Miss Aurelia Darnel, beaming 
 with all the emanations of ripened beauty, blushing with all 
 the graces of the most lovely confusion, could not but 
 produce a violent effect upon the mind of Sir Launcelot 
 Greaves. He was, indeed, overwhelmed with a mingled 
 transport of astonishment, admiration, affection, and awe. 
 The colour vanished from his cheeks, and he stood gazing 
 upon her, in silence, with the most emphatic expression of 
 countenance. 
 
 Aurelia was infected by his disorder. She began to 
 tremble, and the roses fluctuated on her face. " I cannot 
 forget," said she, " that I owe my life to the courage and 
 humanity of Sir Launcelot Greaves, and that he at the 
 same time rescued from the most dreadful death a dear and 
 venerable parent." — " Would to Heaven she still survived ! " 
 cried our adventurer, with great emotion. " She was the 
 friend of my youth, the kind patroness of my felicity ! My 
 guardian angel forsook me when she expired ! Her last in- 
 junctions are deep engraven on my heart ! " 
 
 While he pronounced these words, she lifted her handker- 
 chief to her fair eyes, and, after some pause, proceeded in a 
 tremulous tone, " I hope, sir — I hope you have — I should be 
 sorry Pardon me, sir, I cannot reflect upon such an inter- 
 esting subject unmoved " Here she fetched a deep sigh, 
 
 that was accompanied by a flood of tears ; while the knight 
 continued to bend his eyes upon her with the utmost eager- 
 ness of attention. 
 
 Having recollected herself a little, she endeavoured to
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 147 
 
 shift the conversation : " You have been abroad since I had 
 the pleasure to see you — I hope you were agreeably amused 
 in your travels." — "No, madam," said our hero, drooping 
 his head ; " I have been unfortunate." When she, with the 
 most enchanting sweetness of benevolence, expressed her 
 concern to hear he had been unhappy, and her hope that his 
 misfortunes were not past remedy, he lifted up his eyes, 
 and fixing them upon her again, with a look of tender dejec- 
 tion, " Cut off," said he, " from the possession of what my 
 soul held most dear, I wished for death, and was visited 
 by distraction. I have been abandoned by my reason — my 
 youth is for ever blasted." 
 
 The tender heart of Aurelia could bear no more — her 
 knees began to totter, the lustre vanished from her eyes, 
 and she fainted in the arms of her attendant. Sir Launcelot, 
 aroused by this circumstance, assisted Dolly in seating her 
 mistress on a couch, where she soon recovered, and saw the 
 knight on his knees before her. " I am still happy," said he, 
 " in being able to move your compassion, though I have been 
 held unworthy of your esteem." — " Do me justice," she 
 replied ; " my best esteem has been always inseparably 
 connected with the character of Sir Launcelot Greaves." 
 — " Is it possible ? " cried our hero ; " then surely I have 
 no reason to complain. If I have moved your compassion, 
 and possess your esteem, I am but one degree short of supreme 
 happiness — that, however, is a gigantic step. Oh, Miss 
 Darnel ! when I remember that dear, that melancholy 
 moment." — So saying, he gently touched her hand, in order 
 to press it to his lips, and perceived on her finger the very 
 individual ring which he had presented in her mother's 
 presence, as an interchanged testimony of plighted faith. 
 Starting at the well-known object, the sight of which 
 conjured up a strange confusion of ideas, " This," said he, 
 " was once the pledge of something still more cordial than 
 esteem." Aurelia, blushing at this remark, while her eves 
 lightened with unusual vivacity, replied, in a severer tone, 
 " Sir, you best know how it lost its original signification." — 
 " By heaven ! I do not, madam ! " exclaimed our adventurer.
 
 148 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 " With me it was ever held a sacred idea throned within my 
 heart, cherished with such fervency of regard, with such 
 reverence of affection, as the devout anchorite more unreason- 
 ably pays to those sainted reliques that constitute the object 
 of his adoration." — " And, like those reliques," answered 
 Miss Darnel, " I have been insensible of my votary's devotion. 
 A saint I must have been, or something more, to know the 
 sentiments of your heart by inspiration." 
 
 " Did I forbear," said he, " to express, to repeat, to 
 enforce the dictates of the purest passion that ever warmed 
 the human breast, until I was denied access, and formally 
 discarded by that cruel dismission ? " — " I must beg your 
 pardon, sir," cried Aurelia, interrupting him hastily, " I 
 know not what you mean." — " That fatal sentence," said 
 he, " if not pronounced by your own lips, at least written 
 by your own fair hand, which drove me out an exile for 
 ever from the paradise of your affection." — " I would not," 
 she replied, " do Sir Launcelot Greaves the injury to suppose 
 him capable of imposition ; but you talk of things to which 
 I am an utter stranger. I have a right, sir, to demand 
 of your honour, that you will not impute to me your break- 
 ing off a connection, which — I would — rather wish — had 
 
 never " " Heaven and earth ! what do I hear ? " cried 
 
 our impatient knight ; " have I not the baleful letter to 
 produce ? What else but Miss Darnel's explicit and express 
 declaration could have destroyed the sweetest hope that ever 
 cheered my soul ; could have obliged me to resign all claim 
 to that felicity for which alone I wished to live ; could have 
 filled my bosom with unutterable sorrow and despair ; could 
 have even divested me of reason, and driven me from the 
 society of men, a poor, forlorn, wandering lunatic, such as you 
 see me now prostrate at your feet ; all the blossoms of my 
 youth withered, all the honours of my family decayed ? ' : 
 
 Aurelia looking wistfully at her lover, " Sir," said she, 
 " you overwhelm me with amazement and anxiety ! you 
 are imposed upon, if you have received any such letter. You 
 are deceived, if you thought Aurelia Darnel could be so 
 insensible, ungrateful, and — inconstant."
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 149 
 
 This last word she pronounced with some hesitation, and 
 a downcast look, while her face underwent a total suffusion, 
 and the knight's heart began to palpitate with all the violence 
 of emotion. He eagerly imprinted a kiss upon her hand, 
 exclaiming, in interrupted phrase, " Can it be possible ? — 
 Heaven grant — Sure this is no illusion ! — Oh, madam ! — • 
 shall I call you my Aurelia ? My heart is bursting with a 
 thousand fond thoughts and presages. You shall see that 
 dire paper which has been the source of all my woes — it 
 is the constant companion of my travels — last night I 
 nourished my chagrin with the perusal of its horrid contents." 
 
 Aurelia expressed great impatience to view the cruel 
 forgery, for such she assured him it must be. But he could 
 not gratify her desire, till the arrival of his servant with the 
 portmanteau. In the meantime, tea was called. The lovers 
 were seated. He looked and languished ; she flushed and 
 faltered. All was doubt and delirium, fondness and flutter. 
 Their mutual disorder communicated itself to the kind- 
 hearted sympathising Dolly, who had been witness to the 
 interview, and deeply affected at the disclosure of the scene. 
 Unspeakable was her surprise, when she found her mistress, 
 Miss Meadows, was no other than the celebrated Aurelia 
 Darnel, whose eulogium she had heard so eloquently pro- 
 nounced by her sweetheart, Mr. Thomas Clarke ; a discovery 
 which still more endeared her lady to her affection. She 
 had wept plentifully at the progress of their mutual explana- 
 tion, and was now so disconcerted, that she scarce knew the 
 meaning of the orders she had received. She set the kettle 
 on the table, and placed the tea-board on the fire. Her 
 confusion, by attracting the notice of her mistress, helped 
 to relieve her from her own embarrassing situation. She, 
 with her own delicate hands, rectified the mistake of Dolly, 
 who still continued to sob, and said, " Yau may think, my 
 Leady Darnel, as haw I'aive yeaten hool-cheese ; but it 
 y'an't soa. I'se think, vor mai peart, as how I'aive bean 
 bewitched." 
 
 Sir Launcelot could not help smiling at the simplicity 
 of Dolly, whose goodness of heart and attachment Aurelia
 
 ISO THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 did not fail to extol, as soon as her back was turned. It 
 was in consequence of this commendation, that, the next 
 time she entered the room, our adventurer, for the first 
 time, considered her face, and seemed to be struck with her 
 features. He asked her some questions, which she could 
 not answer to his satisfaction ; applauded her regard for her 
 lady, and assured her of his friendship and protection. He 
 now begged to know the cause that obliged his Aurelia to 
 travel at such a rate, and in such an equipage ; and she 
 informed him of those particulars which we have already 
 communicated to our reader. 
 
 Sir Launcelot glowed with resentment, when he under- 
 stood how his dear Aurelia had been oppressed by her perfi- 
 dious and cruel guardian. He bit his nether lip, rolled his 
 eyes around, started from his seat, and striding across the 
 room, " I remember," said he, " the dying words of her who 
 now is a saint in heaven : ' That violent man, my brother- 
 in-law, who is Aurelia's sole guardian, will thwart her 
 wishes with every obstacle that brutal resentment and 
 implacable malice can contrive.' What followed, it would 
 ill-become me to repeat. But she concluded with these 
 words : ' The rest we must leave to the dispensations of 
 Providence.' Was it not Providence that sent me hither 
 to guard and protect the injured Aurelia ? " Then turning 
 to Miss Darnel, whose eyes streamed with tears, he added, 
 " Yes, divine creature ! Heaven, careful of your safety, 
 and in compassion to my sufferings, hath guided me hither, 
 in this mysterious manner, that I might defend you from 
 violence, and enjoy this transition from madness to delibera- 
 tion, from despair to felicity." 
 
 So saying, he approached this amiable mourner, this 
 fragrant flower of beauty, glittering with the dew-drops 
 of the morning ; this sweetest, and gentlest, loveliest orna- 
 ment of human nature. He gazed upon her with looks of 
 love ineffable ; he sat down by her ; he pressed her soft 
 hand in his, he began to fear that all he saw was the flattering 
 vision of a distempered brain ; he looked and sighed, and, 
 turning up his eyes to heaven, breathed, in broken murmurs,
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 151 
 
 the chaste raptures of his soul. The tenderness of this com- 
 munication was too painful to be long endured. Aurelia 
 industriously interposed other subjects of discourse, that 
 his attention might not be dangerously overcharged, and 
 the afternoon passed insensibly away. 
 
 Though he had determined, in his own mind, never more 
 to quit this idol of his soul, they had not yet concerted any 
 plan of conduct, when their happiness was all at once in- 
 terrupted by a repetition of cries, denoting horror ; and a 
 servant coming in, said he believed some rogues were murder- 
 ing a traveller on the highway. The supposition of such 
 distress operated like gunpowder on the disposition of our 
 adventurer, who, without considering the situation of Aurelia, 
 and indeed without seeing, or being capable to think on her 
 or i ny other subject for the time being, ran directly to the 
 stable, and, mounting the first horse which he found saddled, 
 issued out in the twilight, having no other weapon but his 
 sword. 
 
 He rode full speed to the spot whence the cries seemed 
 to proceed ; but they sounded more remote as he advanced. 
 Nevertheless, he followed them to a considerable distance 
 from the road, over fields, ditches, and hedges, and at last 
 came so near, that he could plainly distinguish the voice of 
 his own squire, Timothy Crabshaw, bellowing for mercy, 
 with hideous vociferation. Stimulated by this recognition, 
 he redoubled his career in the dark, till at length his horse 
 plunged into a hole, the nature of which he could not 
 comprehend ; but he found it impracticable to disengage 
 him. It was with some difficulty that he himself clambered 
 over a ruined wall, and regained the open ground. Here he 
 groped about, in the utmost impatience of anxiety, ignorant 
 of the place, mad with vexation for the fate of his unfortunate 
 squire, and between whiles invaded with a pang of concern 
 for Aurelia, left among strangers, unguarded, and alarmed. 
 
 In the midst of this emotion, he bethought himself of 
 hallooing aloud, that, in case he should be in the neighour- 
 hood of any inhabited place, he might be heard and assisted. 
 He accordingly practised this expedient, which was not
 
 152 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 altogether without effect ; for he was immediately answered 
 by an old friend, no other than his own steed Bronzomarte, 
 who, hearing his master's voice, neighed strenuously at a 
 small distance. The knight, being veil acquainted with the 
 sound, heard it with astonishment, and, advancing in the 
 right direction, found his noble charger fastened to a tree. 
 He forthwith untied and mounted him ; then, laying the 
 reins upon his neck, allowed him to choose his own path, 
 in which he began to travel with equal steadiness and ex- 
 pedition. They had not proceeded far, when the knight's 
 ears were again saluted by the cries of Crabshaw ; which 
 Bronzomarte no sooner heard, than he pricked up his ears, 
 neighed, and quickened his pace, as if he had been sensible 
 of the squire's distress, and hastened to his relief. Sir 
 Launcelot, notwithstanding his own disquiet, could not help 
 observing and admiring this generous sensibility of his horse. 
 He began to think himself some hero of romance, mounted 
 upon a winged steed, inspired with reason, directed by some 
 humane enchanter, who pitied virtue in distress. All cir- 
 cumstances considered, it is no wonder that the commotion 
 in the mind of our adventurer produced some such delirium. 
 All night he continued the chase ; the voice, which was 
 repeated at intervals, still retreating before him, till the 
 morning began to appear in the east, when, by divers piteous 
 groans, he was directed to the corner of a wood, where he 
 beheld his miserable squire stretched upon the grass, and 
 Gilbert feeding by him altogether unconcerned, th; helmet 
 and the lance suspended at the saddle-bow, and the port- 
 manteau safely fixed upon the crupper. 
 
 The knight, riding up to Crabshaw, with equal surprise 
 and concern, asked what had brought him there ? and 
 Timothy, after some pause, during which he surveyed his 
 master with a rueful aspect, answered, " The devil." — " One 
 would imagine, indeed, you had some such conveyance," 
 said Sir Launcelot. " I have followed your cries since last 
 evening, I know not how nor whither, and never could come 
 up with you till this moment. But say, what damage have 
 you sustained, that you lie in that wretched posture, and
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 153 
 
 groan so dismally i " — " I can't guess," replied the squire, 
 " if it bean't that mai hoole carcass is drilled into oilet 
 hools, and my flesh pinched into a jelly." — " How ! where- 
 fore ! " cried the knight ; " who were the miscreants that 
 treated you in such a barbarous manner ? Do you know 
 the ruffians ? " — " I know nothing at all," answered the 
 peevish squire, " but that I was tormented by vive houndred 
 and vifty thousand legions of devils, and there's an end 
 oon't." — " Well, you must have a little patience, Crabshaw — 
 there's a salve for every sore." — " Yaw mought as well tell 
 ma, for every zow there's a zirreverence." — " For a man in 
 your condition, methinks you talk very much at your ease — 
 try if you can get up and mount Gilbert, that you may be 
 conveyed to some place where you can have proper assistance. 
 So — well done — cheerly ! " 
 
 Timothy actually made an effort to rise, but fell down 
 again, and uttered a dismal yell. Then his master exhorted 
 him to take advantage of a park wall, by which he lay, and 
 raise himself gradually upon it. Crabshaw, eyeing him 
 askance, said, by way of reproach, for his not alighting and 
 assisting him in person, " Thatch your house with t — d 
 and you'll have more teachers than reachers." — Having 
 pronounced this inelegant adage, he made shift to stand 
 upon his legs ; and now, the knight lending a hand, was 
 mounted upon Gilbert, though not without a world of ohs ! 
 and ahs ! and other ejaculations of pain and impatience. 
 
 As they jogged on together, our adventurer endeavoured 
 to learn the particulars of the disaster which had befallen 
 the squire ; but all the information he could obtain amounted 
 to a very imperfect sketch of the adventure. By dint of 
 a thousand interrogations, he understood that Crabshaw 
 had been, in the preceding evening, encountered by three 
 persons on horseback, with Venetian masks on their faces, 
 which he mistook for their natural features, and was terrified 
 accordingly. That they not only presented pistols to hi 
 breast, and led his horse out of the highway ; but pricked 
 him with goads, and pinched him, from time to time, till 
 he screamed with the torture. That he was led through
 
 154 THE ADVENTURES OF , 
 
 unfrequented places across the country, sometimes at an 
 easy trot, sometimes at full gallop, and tormented all night 
 by those hideous demons, who vanished at daybreak, and 
 left him lying on the spot where he was found by his master. 
 This was a mystery which our hero could by no means 
 unriddle. It was the more unaccountable, as the squire 
 had not been robbed of his money, horses, and baggage. 
 He was even disposed to believe that Crabshaw's brain was 
 disordered, and the whole account he had given no more 
 than a mere chimera. This opinion, however, he could no 
 longer retain, when he arrived at an inn on the post-road, 
 and found, upon examination, that Timothy's lower ex- 
 tremities were covered with blood, and all the rest of his 
 body speckled with livid marks of contusion. But he was 
 still more chagrined when the landlord informed him, that 
 he was thirty miles distant from the place where he had 
 left Aurelia, and that his way lay through cross-roads, which 
 were almost impassable at that season of the year. Alarmed 
 at this intelligence, he gave directions that his squire should 
 be immediately conveyed to bed in a comfortable chamber, 
 as he complained more and more, and, indeed, was seized 
 with a fever, occasioned by the fatigue, the pain, and terror 
 he had undergone. A neighbouring apothecary being called, 
 and giving it as his opinion that he could not for some days 
 be in a condition to travel, his master deposited a sum of 
 money in his hands, desiring he might be properly attended 
 till he should hear further. Then mounting Bronzomarte, 
 he set out with a guide for the place he had left, not without 
 a thousand fears and perplexities, arising from the reflection 
 of having left the jewel of his heart with such precipitation. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI 
 
 Which, it is to be hoped, the Reader will find an agreeable 
 Medley of Mirth and Madness, Sense and Absurdity. 
 
 It was not without reason that our adventurer afflicted 
 himself ; his fears were but too prophetic. When he
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 155 
 
 alighted at the inn, which he had left so abruptly the pre- 
 ceding evening, he ran directly to the apartment where he 
 had been so happy in Aurelia's company ; but her he saw 
 not — all was solitary. Turning to the woman of the house, 
 who had followed him into the room, " Where is the lady ? " 
 cried he, in a tone of impatience. Mine hostess screwing 
 up her features into a very demure aspect, said she saw so 
 many ladies she could not pretend to know who he meant. 
 " I tell thee, woman," exclaimed the knight, in a louder 
 accent, " thou never sawest such another — I mean that 
 
 miracle of beauty " " Very like," replied the dame, as 
 
 she retired to the room door. " Husband, here's one as 
 axes concerning a miracle of beauty ; hi, hi, hi ! Can you 
 give him any information about this miracle of beauty ? 
 Oh la ! hi, hi, hi ! " 
 
 Instead of answering this question, the innkeeper ad- 
 vancing, and surveying Sir Launcelot, " Friend," said he, 
 " you are the person that carried off my horse out of the 
 stable." — " Tell me not of a horse — where is the young 
 lady ? " — " Now, I will tell you of the horse, and I'll make 
 you find him too before you and I part." — " Wretched 
 animal ! how dar'st thou dally with my impatience ? 
 Speak, or despair — what is become of Miss Meadows ? Say, 
 did she leave this place of her own accord, or was she — hah ! 
 
 speak — answer, or by the powers above " " I'll answer 
 
 you flat — she you call Miss Meadows is in very good hands — 
 so you may make yourself easy on that score." " Sacred 
 Heaven ! explain your meaning, miscreant, or I'll make you 
 a dreadful example to all the insolent publicans of the realm." 
 So saying, he seized him with one hand and dashed him on 
 the floor, set one foot on his belly, and kept him trembling 
 in that prostrate attitude. The ostler and waiter flying to 
 the assistance of their master, our adventurer unsheathed 
 his sword, declaring he would dismiss their souls from their 
 bodies, and exterminate the whole family from the face of 
 the tarth, if they would not immediately give him the 
 satisfaction he required. 
 
 The hostess being by this time terrified almost out of her
 
 r 5 6 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 senses fell on her knees before him, begging he would spare 
 their lives, and promising to declare the whole truth. He 
 would not, however, remove his foot from the body of her 
 husband, until she told him, that in less than half an hour 
 after he had sallied out upon the supposed robbers, two 
 chaises arrived, each drawn by four horses ; that two men 
 armed with pistols alighted from one of them, laid violent 
 hands upon the young lady ; and, notwithstanding her 
 struggling and shrieking, forced her into the other carriage 
 in which was an infirm gentleman, who called himself her 
 guardian ; that the maid was left to the care of a third servant 
 to follow with a third chaise, which was got ready with all 
 possible despatch, while the other two proceeded at full speed 
 on the road to London. It was by this communicative 
 lacquey the people of the house were informed that the old 
 gentleman his master was Squire Darnel, the young lady 
 his niece and ward, and our adventurer a needy sharper 
 who wanted to make a prey of her fortune. 
 
 The knight, fired even almost to frenzy by this intimation, 
 spurned the carcass of his host ; and, his eye gleaming terror, 
 rushed into the yard, in order to mount Bronzomarte, and 
 pursue the ravisher, when he was diverted from his purpose 
 by a new incident. 
 
 One of the postillions, who had driven the chaise in which 
 Dolly was conveyed, happened to arrive at that instant ; 
 when, seeing our hero, he ran up to him cap in hand, and, 
 presenting a letter, accosted him in these words : " Please 
 your noble honour, if your honour be Sir Launcelot Greaves 
 of the West Riding, here's a letter from a gentlewoman, that 
 I promised to deliver into your honour's own hands." 
 
 The knight, snatching the letter with the utmost avidity, 
 broke it up, and found the contents couched in these terms : 
 
 " Honoured Sir, — The man az gi'en me leave to lat yaw 
 knaw my dear leady is going to Loondon with her unkle 
 Squaire Darnel. Be not conzarned, honoured sir, vor Pse 
 take it on mai laife to let yaw knaw wheare we be zettled, 
 if zobe I can vind where you loadge in Loondon. The man
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 157 
 
 zays yaw may put it in the pooblic prints. I houp the 
 bareheir will be honest enuff to deliver this scrowl ; and 
 that your honour will pardon 
 
 " Your umbil servant to command, 
 
 " Dorothy Cowslip." 
 
 " P.S. — Please my kaind sarvice to laayer Clarke. Squire 
 Darnel's man is very civil vor sartain ; but Pave no thoughts 
 on him I'll assure yaw. Marry hap, worse ware may have 
 a better chap, as the zaying goes." 
 
 Nothing could be more seasonable than the delivery 
 of this billet, which he had no sooner perused than his 
 reflection returned, and he entered into a serious deliberation 
 with his own heart. He considered that Aurelia was by this 
 time far beyond a possibility of being overtaken, and that 
 by a precipitate pursuit he should only expose his own 
 infirmities. He confided in the attachment of his mistress, 
 and in the fidelity of her maid, who would find opportunities 
 of communicating her sentiments by means of this lacquey, 
 of whom he perceived by the letter she had already made 
 a conquest. He therefore resolved to bridle his impatience, 
 to proceed leisurely to London, and, instead of taking any 
 rash step which might induce Anthony Darnel to remove 
 his niece from that city, remain in seeming quiet until she 
 should be settled, and her guardian returned to the country. 
 Aurelia had mentioned to him the name of Doctor Kawdle, 
 and from him he expected in due time to receive the most 
 interesting information. 
 
 These reflections had an instantaneous effect upon our 
 hero, whose rage immediately subsided, and whose visage 
 g-adually resumed its natural cast of courtesy and good- 
 humour. He forthwith gratified the postillion with such a 
 remuneration as sent him dancing into the kitchen, where 
 he did not fail to extol the generosity and immense fortune 
 of Sir Launcelot Greaves. 
 
 Our adventurer's next step was to see Bronzomarte properly 
 accommodated ; then he ordered a refreshment for himself
 
 158 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 and retired into an apartment, where mine host with his 
 wife and all the servants waited on him to beseech his honour 
 to forgive their impertinence, which was owing to their 
 ignorance of his honour's quality, and the false information 
 they had received from the gentleman's servant. He had 
 too much magnanimity to retain the least resentment against 
 such inconsiderable objects. He not only pardoned them 
 without hesitation, but assured the landlord he would be 
 accountable for the horse, which, however, was that same 
 evening brought home by a countryman, who had found 
 him pounded, as it were, within the walls of a ruined cottage. 
 As the knight had been greatly fatigued without enjoying 
 any rest for eight-and-forty hours, he resolved to indulge 
 himself with one night's repose, and then return to the 
 place where he had left his squire indisposed ; for by this 
 time even his concern for Timothy had recurred. 
 
 On a candid scrutiny of his own heart, he found himself 
 much less unhappy than he had been before his interview 
 with Aurelia ; for, instead of being as formerly tormented 
 with the pangs of despairing love, which had actually unsettled 
 his understanding, he was now happily convinced that he had 
 inspired the tender breast of Aurelia with mutual affection ; 
 and, though she was invidiously snatched from his embrace 
 in the midst of such endearments as had wound up his soul 
 to esctasy and transport, he did not doubt of being able to 
 rescue her from the power of an inhuman kinsman, whose 
 guardianship would soon of course expire ; and in the 
 meantime he rested with the most perfect dependence on 
 her constancy and virtue. 
 
 As he next day crossed the country, ruminating on the 
 disaster that had befallen his squire, and could now compare 
 circumstances coolly, he easily comprehended the whole 
 scheme of that adventure, which was no other than an artifice 
 of Anthony Darnel and his emissaries to draw him from the 
 inn, where he proposed to execute his design upon the inno- 
 cent Aurelia. He took it for granted that the uncle, having 
 been made acquainted with his niece's elopement, had 
 followed her track by the help of such information as he
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 159 
 
 received, from one stage to another ; and that, receiving 
 more particulars at the White Hart touching Sir Launcelot, 
 he had formed the scheme in which Crabshaw was an in- 
 voluntary instrument towards the seduction of his master. 
 
 Amusing himself with these and other cogitations, our 
 hero in the afternoon reached the place of his destination, 
 and, entering the inn where Timothy had been left at sick 
 quarters, chanced to meet the apothecary retiring precipi- 
 tately in a very unsavoury pickle from the chamber of his 
 patient. When he inquired about the health of his squire, 
 this retainer to medicine, wiping himself all the while with 
 a napkin, answered in manifest confusion, that he appre- 
 hended him to be in a very dangerous way from an inflam- 
 mation of the piamater, which had produced a most furious 
 delirium. Then he proceeded to explain, in technical 
 terms, the method of cure he had followed ; and concluded 
 with telling him the poor squire's brain was so outrageously 
 disordered, that he had rejected all administration, and 
 just thrown a urinal in his face. 
 
 The knight's humanity being alarmed at this intelligence 
 he resolved that Crabshaw should have the benefit of further 
 advice, and asked if there was not a physician in the place ? 
 The apothecary, after some interjections of hesitation, 
 owned there was a doctor in the village, an odd sort of a 
 humourist ; but he believed he had not much to do in the 
 way of his profession, and was not much used to the forms 
 of prescription. He was counted a scholar, to be sure, b"' 
 as to his medical capacity — he would not take upon him to 
 say. " No matter," cried Sir Launcelot, " he may strike 
 out some lucky thought for the benefit of the patient, and 
 I desire you will call him instantly." 
 
 While the apothecary was absent on this service, our 
 adventurer took it in his head to question the landlord 
 about the character of this physician, which had been so 
 unfavourably represented, and received the following 
 information : 
 
 ' For my peart, meastcr, I knows nothing amiss of the 
 doctor — he's a quiet sort of an inoffensive man ; uses my
 
 160 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 house sometimes, and pays for what he has, like the rest of 
 my customers. They says he deals very little in physic 
 stuff, but cures his patients with fasting and water-gruel, 
 whereby he can't expect the 'pothecary to be his friend. 
 You knows, master, one must live, and let live, as the saying 
 is. I must say, he, for the value of three guineas, set up 
 my wife's constitution in such a manner, that I have saved 
 within these two years, I believe, forty pounds in 'pothecary's 
 bills. But what of that ? Every man must eat, thof at 
 another's expense ; and I should be in a deadly hole myself 
 if all my customers should take it in their heads to drink 
 nothing but water-gruel, because it is good for the constitu- 
 tion. Thank God, I have as good a constitution as e'er 
 a man in England, but for all that, I and my whole family 
 bleed and purge, and take a diet-drink twice a year, by way 
 of serving the 'pothecary, who is a very honest man, and a 
 very good neighbour." 
 
 Their conversation was interrupted by the return of the 
 apothecary with the doctor, who had very little of the faculty 
 in his appearance. He was dressed remarkably plain, seemed 
 to be turned of fifty, had a careless air, and a sarcastical 
 turn in his countenance. Before he entered the sick man's 
 chamber, he asked some questions concerning the disease ; 
 and when the apothecary, pointing to his own head, said, 
 " It lies all here," the doctor, turning to Sir Launcelot, 
 replied, " If that be all there's nothing in it." 
 
 Upon a more particular inquiry about the symptoms, 
 he was told that the blood was seemingly viscous, and salt 
 upon the tongue ; the urine remarkably acrosaline, and the 
 faeces atrabilious and fcetid. When the doctor said he would 
 engage to find the same phenomena in every healthy man 
 of the three kingdoms, the apothecary added, that the 
 patient was manifestly comatous, and moreover afflicted 
 with griping pains and borborygmata. " A f — t for your 
 borborygmata," cried the physician ; " what has been 
 done ? " To this question he replied, that venesection 
 had been three times performed ; that a vesicatory had been 
 applied inter scapulas ; that the patient had taken oc-
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 161 
 
 casionally of a cathartic apozem, and between whiles, 
 alexipharmic boluses and neutral draughts. — " Neutral, 
 indeed," said the doctor ; " so neutral, that I'll be crucified 
 if ever they declare either for the patient or the disease." 
 So saying, he I rushed into Crabshaw's chamber, followed 
 by our adventurer, who was almost suffocated at his first 
 entrance. The day was close ; the window-shutters were 
 fastened ; a huge fire blazed in the chimney ; thick harateen 
 curtains were close drawn round the bed, where the wretched 
 squire lay extended under an enormous load of blankets. 
 The nurse, who had all the exteriors of a bawd given to 
 drink, sat stewing in this apartment like a damned soul 
 in some infernal bagnio ; but rising when the company 
 entered, made her curtsies with great decorum. — " Well," 
 said the doctor, " how does your patient, nurse ? " — 
 " Blessed be God for it, I hope in a fair way. To be sure 
 his apozem has had a blessed effect — five-and-twenty stools 
 since three o'clock in the morning. But then, a'would 
 not suffer the blisters to be put upon his thighs. Good 
 lack ! a'has been mortally obstropolous, and out of his 
 semes all this bless d day."— " You lie," cried the squire, 
 " I an't out of my seven senses, thof I'm half mad with 
 vexation." 
 
 The doctor having withdrawn the curtain, the hapless 
 squire appeared very pale and ghastly ; and having surveyed 
 his master with a rueful aspect, addressed him in these 
 weds : " Sir Knight, I beg a boon. Be pleased to tie a 
 stone about the neck of the apothecary, and a halter about 
 the neck of the nurse, and throw the one into the next 
 river, and the other over the next tree, and in so doing you 
 will do a charitable deed to your fellow-creatures ; for he 
 and she do the devil's work in partnership, and have sent many 
 a score of their betters home to him before their time." — 
 " Oh, he begins to talk sensibly."—" Have a good heart," 
 said the physician. " What is your disorder ? " — " Physic." 
 — " What do you chiefly complain of ? "— " The doctor."— 
 1 Docs your head ache ? "— " Yea, with impertinence."— 
 " Have you a pain in your back ? " — " Yes, where the blister 
 
 II
 
 162 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 lies." — " Are you sick at stomach ? " — " Yes, with hunger." 
 — " Do you feel any shiverings ? " — " Always at sight of 
 the apothecary." — " Do you perceive any load in your 
 bowels ? " — " I would the apothecary's conscience was as 
 clear." — " Are you thirsty ? " — " Not thirsty enough to 
 drink barley-water." — " Be pleased to look into his fauces," 
 said the apothecary ; " he has got a rough tongue, and a 
 very foul mouth, I'll assure you." — " I have known that the 
 case with seme limbs of the faculty, where they stood more 
 in need of correction than of physic. — Well, my honest 
 friend, since you have already undergone the proper purga- 
 tions in due form, and say you have no other disease than the 
 doctor, we will set you on your legs again without further 
 question. Here, nurse, open that window, and throw 
 these phials into the street. Now lower the curtain, without 
 shutting the casement, that the man may not be stifled 
 in his own steam. In the next place, take off two-thirds 
 of these coals, and one-third of these blankets. — How dost 
 feci now, my heart ? " — " I should feel heart-whole, if so be 
 as yow would throw the noorse a'ter the bottles, and the 
 'pothecary a'ter the noorse, and oorder me a pound of 
 chops for my dinner, for I be so hoongry, I could eat a horse 
 behind the saddle." 
 
 The apothecary, seeing what passed, retired of his own 
 accord, holding up his hands in sign of astonishment. The 
 nurse was dismissed in the same breath. Crabshaw rose, 
 dressed himself without assistance, and made a hearty meal 
 on the first eatable that presented itself to view. The 
 knight passed the evening with the physician, who, from his 
 first appearance, concluded he was mad ; but, in the course 
 of the conversation, found means to resign that opinion 
 without adopting any other in lieu of it, and parted with him 
 under all the impatience of curiosity. The knight, on his 
 part, was very well entertained with the witty sarcasms and 
 erudition of the doctor, who appeared to be a sort of cynic 
 philosopher tinctured with misanthropy, and at open war 
 with the whole body of apothecaries, whom however it 
 was by no means his interest to disoblige.
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 163 
 
 Next day, Crabshaw, being to all appearance perfectly 
 recovered, our adventurer reckoned with the apothecary, 
 paid the landlord, and set out on his return for the London 
 road, resolving to lay aside his armour at some distance from 
 the metropolis ; for, ever since his interview with Aurelia, 
 his fondness for chivalry had been gradually abating. As 
 the torrent of his despair had disordered the current of his 
 sober reflection, so now, as that despair subsided, his thoughts 
 began to flow deliberately in their ancient channel. All 
 day long he regaled his imagination with plans of connubial 
 happiness, formed on the possession of the incomparable 
 Aurelia ; determined to wait with patience, until the law 
 should supersede the authority of her guardian, rather than 
 adopt any violent expedient which might hazard the interest 
 of his passion. 
 
 He had for some time travelled in the turnpike road, 
 when his reverie was suddenly interrupted by a confused 
 noise ; and when he lifted up his eyes he beheld at a little 
 distance a rabble of men and women, variously armed with 
 flails, pitchforks, poles, and muskets, acting offensively 
 against a strange figure on horseback, who, with a kind of 
 lance, laid about him with incredible fury. Our adventurer 
 was not so totally abandoned by the spirit of chivalry, to 
 see without emotion a single knight in danger of being 
 overpowered by such a multitude of adversaries. Without 
 staying to put on his helmet, he ordered Crabshaw to follow 
 him in the charge against those plebeians. Then couching 
 his lance, and giving Bronzomarte the spur, he began his 
 career with such impetuosity as overturned all that happened 
 to be in his way ; and intimidated the rabble to such a 
 degree, that they retired before him like a flock of sheep, 
 the greater part of them believing he was the devil in propria 
 persona. He came in the very nick of time to save the life 
 of the other errant, against whom three loaded muskets 
 were actually levelled, at the very instant that our adventurer 
 began his charge. The unknown knight was so sensible 
 of the seasonable interposition, that, riding up to our hero, 
 " Brother," said he, " this is the second time you have
 
 1 64 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 holp me off, when I was bump ashore. — Bess Mizzen, I 
 must say, is no more than a leaky bum-boat, in comparison 
 of the glorious galley you want to man. I desire that 
 henceforth we may cruise in the same latitudes, brother ; 
 and I'll be d — ned if I don't stand by you as long as I have 
 a stick standing, or can carry a rag of canvas." 
 
 By this address our knight recognised the novice Captain 
 Crowe, who had found means to accommodate himself 
 with a very strange suit of armour. By way of helmet, he 
 wore one of the caps used by the light horse, with straps 
 buckled under his chin, and contrived in such a manner 
 as to conceal his whole visage, except the eyes. Instead of 
 cuirass, mail, greaves, and other pieces of complete armour, 
 he was cased in a postillion's leathern jerkin, covered with 
 thin plates of tinned iron. His buckler was a pot-lid, his 
 lance a hop-pole shod with iron, and a basket-hilt broad- 
 sword, like that of Hudibras, depended by a broad buff 
 belt, that girded his middle. His feet were defended by 
 jack-boots, and his hands by the gloves of a trooper. Sir 
 Launcelot would not lose time in examining particulars, 
 as he perceived some mischief had been done, and that the 
 enemy had rallied at a distance ; he therefore commanded 
 Crowe to follow him, and rode off with great expedition ; 
 but he did not perceive his squire was taken prisoner, nor 
 did the captain recollect that his nephew, Tom Clarke, had 
 been disabled and secured in the beginning of the fray. 
 The truth is, the poor captain had been so belaboured about 
 the pate, that it was a wonder he remembered his own 
 name. 
 
 CHAPTER XVII 
 
 Containing Adventures of Chivalry equally new and 
 surprising. 
 
 The knight Sir Launcelot, and the novice Crowe, retreated 
 with equal order and expedition to the distance of half a 
 league from the field of battle, where the former, halting,
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 165 
 
 proposed to make a lodgment in a very decent house of 
 entertainment, distinguished by the sign of St. George of 
 Cappadocia encountering the dragon, an achievement in 
 which temporal and spiritual chivalry were happily recon- 
 ciled. Two such figures alighting at the inn gate did not 
 pass through the yard unnoticed and unadmired by the 
 guests and attendants, some of whom fairly took to their 
 heels, on the supposition that these outlandish creatures 
 were the avant-couriers or heralds of a French invasion. 
 The fears and doubts, however, of those who ventured to 
 stay were soon dispelled, when our hero accosted them in 
 the English tongue, and with the most courteous demeanour 
 desired to be shown into an apartment. 
 
 Had Captain Crowe been spokesman, perhaps their 
 suspicions would not have so quickly subsided, for he was, 
 in reality, a very extraordinary novice, not only in chivalry, 
 but also in his external appearance, and particularly in those 
 dialects of the English language which are used by the 
 terrestrial animals of this kingdom. He desired the ostler 
 to take his horse in tow, and bring him to his moorings 
 in a safe riding. He ordered the waiter, who showed them 
 into a parlour, to bear a hand, ship his oars, mind his helm, 
 and bring alongside a short allowance of brandy or grog, 
 that he might cant a slug into his bread-room, for there was 
 such a heaving and pitching, that he believed he should 
 shift his ballast. The fellow understood no part of this 
 address but the word brandy, at mention of which he dis- 
 appeared. Then Crowe, throwing himself into an elbow 
 chair, " Stop my hawse-holes," cried he, " I can't think 
 what's the matter, brother ; but, egad, my head sings and 
 simmers like a pot of chowder. My eyesight yaws to and 
 again, d'ye sec ; then there's such a walloping and whushing 
 in my hold — smite me — Lord have mercy upon us. Here, 
 you swab, ne'er mind the glass, hand me the noggin." 
 
 The latter part of this address was directed to the waiter, 
 who had returned with a quartern of brandy, which Crowe, 
 snatching eagerly, started into his bread-room at one cant. 
 Indeed, there was no time to be lost, inasmuch as he seemed
 
 166 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 to be on the verge of fainting away when he swallowed 
 this cordial, by which he was instantaneously revived. 
 
 He then desired the servant to unbuckle the straps of his 
 helmet, but this was a task which the drawer could not 
 perform, even though assisted with the good offices of Sir 
 Launcelot, for the head and jaws were so much swelled with 
 the discipline they had undergone, that the straps and 
 buckles lay buried, as it were, in pits formed by the tume- 
 faction of the adjacent parts. 
 
 Fortunately for the novice, a neighbouring surgeon 
 passed by the door on horseback, a circumstance which 
 the waiter, who saw him from the window, no sooner dis- 
 closed, than the knight had recourse to his assistance. This 
 practitioner having viewed the whole figure, and more 
 particularly the head of Crowe, in silent wonder, proceeded 
 to feel his pulse, and then declared, that as the inflammation 
 was very great, and going on with violence to its acme, it 
 would be necessary to begin with copious phlebotomy, and 
 then to empty the intestinal canal. So saying, he began 
 to strip the arm of the captain, who, perceiving his aim, 
 " Avast, brother," cried he, " you go the wrong way to 
 work ; you may as well rummage the afterhold when the 
 damage is in the forecastle ; I shall right again when my 
 jaws are unhooped." 
 
 With these words he drew a clasp-knife from his pocket, 
 and, advancing to a glass, applied it so vigorously to the 
 leathern straps of his headpiece, that the gordian knot 
 was cut, without any other damage to his face than a moderate 
 scarification, which, added to the tumefaction of features 
 naturally strong, and a whole week's growth of a very bushy 
 beard, produced on the whole a most hideous caricatura. 
 After all, there was a necessity for the administration of 
 the surgeon, who found divers contusions on different 
 parts of the skull, which even the tin cap had not been able 
 to protect from the weapons of the rustics. 
 
 These being shaved and dressed secundum artem, and the 
 operator dismissed with a proper acknowledgment, our knight 
 detached one of the post-boys to the field of action for
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 167 
 
 intelligence concerning Mr. Clarke and squire Timothy, and, 
 in the interim, desired to know the particulars of Crowe's 
 adventures since he parted from him at the White Hart. 
 
 A connected relation, in plain English, was what he had 
 little reason to expect from the novice, who, nevertheless, 
 exerted his faculties to the uttermost for his satisfaction. 
 He gave him to understand, that in steering his course to 
 Birmingham, where he thought of fitting himself with 
 tackle, he had fallen in, by accident, at a public-house, with 
 an itinerant tinker, in the very act of mending a kettle ; 
 that, seeing him do his business like an able workman, he 
 had applied to him for advice, and the tinker, after having 
 considered the subject, had undertaken to make him such 
 a suit of armour as neither sword nor lance should penetrate ; 
 that they adjourned to the next town, where the leather 
 coat, the plates of tinned iron, the lance, and the broadsword, 
 were purchased, together with a copper saucepan, which the 
 artist was now at work upon in converting it to a shield ; 
 but in the meantime, the captain, being impatient to begin 
 his career of chivalry, had accommodated himself with a 
 pot-lid, and taken to the highway, notwithstanding all the 
 entreaties, tears, and remonstrances of his nephew, Tom 
 Clarke, who could not however be prevailed upon to leave 
 him in the dangerous voyage he had undertaken. 
 
 That this being but the second day of his journey, he 
 descried five or six men on horseback bearing up full in his 
 teeth, upon which he threw his sails aback, and prepared 
 for action ; that he hailed them at a considerable distance, 
 and bade them bring to ; when they came alongside, not- 
 withstanding his hail, he ordered them to clew up their 
 courses, and furl their topsails, otherwise he would be foul 
 of their quarters ; that, hearing this salute, they luffed 
 all at once, till their cloth shook in the wind ; then he 
 hallooed in a loud voice, that his sweetheart, Bessclia Mizzen, 
 wore the broad pendant of beauty, to which they must 
 strike their topsails on pain of being sent to the bottom ; 
 that, after having eyed him for some time with astonishment, 
 they clapped on all their sails, some of them running under
 
 1 68 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 his stern, and others athwart his forefoot, and got clear off ; 
 that, not satisfied with running ahead, they all of a sudden 
 tacked about, and one of them boarding him on the lee- 
 quarter, gave him such a drubbing about his upper works, 
 that the lights danced in his lanterns ; that he returned the 
 salute with his hop-pole so effectually that his aggressor 
 broached to in the twinkling of a handspike, and then he 
 was engaged with all the rest of the enemy, except one, 
 who sheered off, and soon returned with a mosquito fleet 
 of small craft, who had done him considerable damage, and, 
 in all probability, would have made prize of him, hadn't 
 he been brought off by the knight's gallantry. He said, 
 that in the beginning of the conflict Tom Clarke rode up to 
 the foremost of the enemy, as he did suppose in order to 
 prevent hostilities, but before he got up to him near enough 
 to hold discourse, he was pooped with a sea that almost sent 
 him to the bottom, and then towed off he knew not whither. 
 
 Crowe had scarce finished his narration, which consisted 
 of broken hints and unconnected explosions of sea terms, 
 when a gentleman of the neighbourhood, who acted in the 
 commission of the peace, arrived at the gate, attended by 
 a constable, who had in custody the bodies of Thomas 
 Clarke and Timothy Crabshaw, surrounded by five men on 
 horseback, and an innumerable posse of men, women, and 
 children, on foot. The captain, who always kept a good 
 lookout, no sooner descried this cavalcade and procession, 
 than he gave notice to Sir Launcelot, and advised that they 
 should crowd away with all the cloth they could carry. 
 Our adventurer was of another opinion, and determined, at 
 any rate, to procure the enlargement of the prisoners. 
 
 The justice, ordering his attendants to stay without the 
 gate, sent his compliments to Sir Launcelot Greaves, and 
 desired to speak with him for a few minutes. He was im- 
 mediately admitted, and could not help staring at sight of 
 Crowe, who, by this time, had no remains of the human 
 physiognomy, so much was the swelling increased and the 
 skin discoloured. The gentleman, whose name was Mr. 
 Elmy, having made a polite apology for the liberty he had
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 169 
 
 taken, proceeded to unfold his business. He said, informa- 
 tion had been lodged with him, as a justice of the peace, 
 against two armed men on horseback, who had stopped five 
 farmers on the king's highway, put them in fear and danger 
 of their lives, and even assaulted, maimed, and wounded 
 divers persons, contrary to the king's peace, and in violation 
 of the statute ; that, by the description, he supposed the 
 knight and his companion to be the persons against whom 
 the complaint had been lodged ; and, understanding his 
 quality from Mr. Clarke, whom he had known in London, 
 he was come to wait upon him, and, if possible, effect an 
 accommodation. 
 
 Our adventurer having thanked him for the polite and 
 obliging manner in which he proceeded, frankly told him 
 the whole story, as it had been just related by the captain ; 
 and Mr. Elmy had no reason to doubt the truth of the 
 narrative, as it confirmed every circumstance which Clarke 
 had before reported. Indeed, Tom had been very com- 
 municative to this gentleman, and made him acquainted 
 with the whole history of Sir Launcelot Greaves, as well as 
 with the whimsical resolution of his uncle, Captain Crowe. 
 Mr. Elmy now told the knight, that the persons whom the 
 captain had stopped were farmers, returning from a neigh- 
 bouring market, a set of people naturally boorish, and at 
 that time elevated with ale to an uncommon pitch of inso- 
 lence ; that one of them, in particular, called Prickle, was 
 the most quarrelsome fellow in the whole county ; and so 
 litigious, that he had maintained above thirty law-suits, 
 in eight-and-twenty of which he had been condemned in 
 costs. He said the others might be easily influenced in the 
 way of admonition ; but there was no way of dealing with 
 Prickle, except by the form and authority of the law. He 
 therefore proposed to hear evidence in a judicial capacity, 
 and his clerk being in attendance, the court was immediately 
 opened in the knight's apartment. 
 
 By this time Mr. Clarke had made such good use of his 
 time in explaining the law to his audience, and displaying 
 the great wealth and unbounded liberality of Sir Launcelot
 
 170 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 Greaves, that he had actually brought over to his sentiments 
 the constable and the commonalty, tag-rag, and bob-tail, 
 and even staggered the majority of the farmers, who, at 
 first, had breathed nothing but defiance and revenge. 
 Farmer Stake being first called to the bar, and sworn touching 
 the identity of Sir Launcelot Greaves and Captain Crowe, 
 declared that the said Crowe had stopped him on the king's 
 highway and put him in bodily fear, that he afterwards saw 
 the said Crowe with a pole or weapon, value threepence, 
 breaking the king's peace by committing assault and battery 
 against the heads and shoulders of his majesty's liege subjects, 
 Geoffrey Prickle, Hodge Dolt, Richard Bumpkin, Mary 
 Fang, Catherine Rubble, and Margery Litter, and that he 
 saw Sir Launcelot Greaves, baronet, aiding, assisting, and 
 comforting the said Crowe, contrary to the king's peace, 
 and against the form of the statute. 
 
 Being asked if the defendant, when he stopped them, 
 demanded their money, or threatened violence, he answered 
 he could not say, inasmuch as the defendant spoke in an 
 unknown language. Being interrogated if the defendant 
 did not allow them to pass without using any violence, and 
 if they did not pass unmolested, the deponent replied in 
 the affirmative. Being required to tell for what reason they 
 returned, and if the defendant Crowe was not assaulted 
 before he began to use his weapon, the deponent made no 
 answer. The depositions of Farmers Bumpkin and Muggins, 
 as well as of Madge Litter and Mary Fang, were taken to 
 much the same purpose, and his worship earnestly exhorted 
 them to an accommodation, observing, that they themselves 
 were in fact the aggressors, and that Captain Crowe had done 
 no more than exerted himself in his own defence. 
 
 They were all pretty well disposed to follow his advice, 
 except Farmer Prickle, who, entering the court with a 
 bloody handkerchief about his head, declared that the law 
 should determine it at next 'size, and in the meantime 
 insisted that the defendants should find immediate bail, or 
 go to prison, or be set in the stocks. He affirmed that they 
 had been guilty of an affray, in appearing with armour and
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 171 
 
 weapons not usually worn, to the terror of others, which is 
 in itself a breach of the peace ; but that they had, moreover, 
 with force of arms, that is to say, with swords, staves, and 
 other warlike instruments, by turns, made an assault and 
 affray, to the terror and disturbance of him and divers sub- 
 jects of our lord the King, then and there being, and to the 
 evil and pernicious example of the liege people of the said 
 lord the King, and against the peace of our said lord the 
 King, his crown and dignity. 
 
 The peasant had purchased a few law terms at a consider- 
 able expense, and he thought he had a right to turn his 
 knowledge to the annoyance of all his neighbours. Mr. 
 Elmy, finding him obstinately deaf to all proposals of accom- 
 modation, held the defendants to very moderate bail, the 
 landlord and the curate of the parish freely offering them- 
 selves as sureties. Mr. Clarke, with Timothy Crabshaw, 
 against whom nothing appeared, were now set at liberty, 
 when the former, advancing to his worship, gave information 
 against Geoffrey Prickle, and declared upon oath that he had 
 seen him assault Captain Crowe without any provocation ; 
 and when he, the deponent, interposed to prevent further 
 mischief, the said Prickle had likewise assaulted and wounded 
 him, the deponent, and detained him for some time in false 
 imprisonment, without warrant or authority. 
 
 In consequence of this information, which was corroborated 
 by divers evidences, selected from the mob at the gate, the 
 tables were turned upon Farmer Prickle, who was given to 
 understand that he must either find bail, or be forthwith 
 imprisoned. This honest boor, who was in opulent circum- 
 stances, had made such popular use of the benefits he 
 possessed, that there was not a housekeeeper in the parish 
 who would not have rejoiced to see him hanged. His 
 dealings and connections, however, were such that none of 
 the other four would have refused to bail him, had not 
 Clarke given them to understand that, if they did, he would 
 make them all principals and parties, and have two separate 
 actions against each. Prickle happened to be at variance 
 with the innkeeper, and the curate durst not disoblige the
 
 172 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 vicar, who at that very time was suing the farmer for the 
 small tithes. He offered to deposit a sum equal to the 
 recognisance of the knight's bail ; but this was rejected, as 
 an expedient contrary to the practice of the courts. He 
 sent for the attorney of the village, to whom he had been a 
 good customer ; but the lawyer was hunting evidence in 
 another county. The exciseman presented himself as a 
 surety ; but he, not being a housekeeper, was not accepted. 
 Divers cottagers, who depended on Farmer Prickle, were 
 successively refused, because they could not prove that they 
 had paid scot and lot, and parish taxes. 
 
 The farmer, finding himself thus forlorn, and in imminent 
 danger of visiting the inside of a prison, was seized with a 
 paroxysm of rage, during which he inveighed against the 
 bench, reviled the two adventurers errant, declared that 
 he believed, and would lay a wager of twenty guineas, that 
 he had more money in his pocket than e'er a man in the 
 company ; and in the space of a quarter of an hour swore 
 forty oaths, which the justice did not fail to number. " Be- 
 fore we proceed to other matters," said Mr. Elmy, " I order 
 you to pay forty shillings for the oaths you have sworn, 
 otherwise I will cause you to be set in the stocks without 
 further ceremony." 
 
 Prickle, throwing down a couple of guineas, with two 
 execrations more to make up the sum, declared that he could 
 afford to pay for swearing as well as e'er a justice in the 
 county, and repeated his challenge of the wager, which our 
 adventurer now accepted, protesting, at the same time, that 
 it was not a step taken from any motive of pride, but entirely 
 with a view to punish an insolent plebeian, who could not 
 otherwise be chastised without a breach of the peace. Twenty 
 guineas being deposited on each side in the hands of Mr. 
 Elmy, Prickle, with equal confidence and despatch, produced 
 a canvas bag, containing two hundred and seventy pounds, 
 which, being spread upon the table, made a very formidable 
 show, that dazzled the eyes of the beholders, and induced 
 many of them to believe he had ensured his conquest. 
 
 Our adventurer, asking if he had anything further to offer,
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 173 
 
 and being answered in the negative, drew forth, with great 
 deliberation, a pocket-book, in which there was a considerable 
 parcel of bank-notes, from which he selected three of one 
 hundred pounds each, and exhibited them upon the table, 
 to the astonishment of all present. Prickle, mad with his 
 overthrow and loss, said it might be necessary to make him 
 prove the notes were honestly come by ; and Sir Launcelot 
 started up, in order to take vengeance upon him for this 
 insult, but was withheld by the arms and remonstrances of 
 Mr. Elmy, who assured him that Prickle desired nothing so 
 much as another broken head, to lay the foundation of a new 
 piosecution. 
 
 The knight, calmed by this interposition, turned to the 
 audience, saying, with the most affable deportment, " Good 
 people, do not imagine that I intend to pocket the spoils of 
 such a contemptible rascal. I shall beg the favour of this 
 worthy gentleman to take up these twenty guineas, and 
 distribute them as he shall think proper among the poor of 
 the parish ; but, by this benefaction, I do not hold myself 
 acquitted for the share I had in the bruises some of you have 
 received in this unlucky fray, and therefore I give the other 
 twenty guineas to be divided among the sufferers, to each 
 according to the damage he or she shall appear to have 
 sustained, and I shall consider it as an additional obligation 
 if Mr. Elmy will likewise superintend this retribution." 
 
 At the close of this address, the whole yard and gateway 
 rang with acclamation, while honest Crowe, whose generosity 
 was not inferior even to that of the accomplished Greaves, 
 pulled out his purse, and declared that, as he had begun the 
 engagement, he would at least go share and share alike in 
 new caulking their seams, and repairing their timbers. The 
 knight, rather than enter into a dispute with his novice, 
 told him he considered the twenty guineas as given by them 
 both in conjunction, and that they would confer together 
 on that subject hereafter. 
 
 1'his point being adjusted, Mr. Elmy assumed all the 
 solemnity of the magistrate, and addressed himself to Prickle 
 in these words : " Parmer Prickle, I am both sorry and
 
 174 TH E ADVENTURES OF 
 
 ashamed to see a man of your years and circumstances so 
 little respected that you cannot find sufficient bail for forty 
 pounds, a sure testimony that you have neither cultivated 
 the friendship, nor deserved the goodwill, of your neighbours. 
 I have heard of your quarrels and your riots, your insolence 
 and litigious disposition, and often wished for an opportunity 
 of giving you a proper taste of the law's correction. That 
 opportunity now offers ; you have, in the hearing of all these 
 people, poured forth a torrent of abuse against me, both in 
 the character of a gentleman and of a magistrate. Your 
 abusing me personally perhaps I should have overlooked with 
 the contempt it deserves, but I should ill vindicate the 
 dignity of my office as a magistrate by suffering you to insult 
 the bench with impunity. I shall therefore imprison you 
 for contempt, and you shall remain in jail until you can find 
 bail on the other prosecutions." 
 
 Prickle, the first transports of his anger having subsided, 
 began to be pricked with the thorns of compunction. He 
 was indeed extremely mortified at the prospect of being 
 sent to jail so disgracefully. His countenance fell ; and, 
 after a hard internal struggle, while the clerk was employed 
 in writing the mittimus, he said he hoped his worship would 
 not send him to prison. He begged pardon of him, and 
 our adventurers, for having abused them in his passion ; 
 and observed that, as he had received a broken head, and 
 paid two-and-twenty guineas for his folly, he could not be 
 said to have escaped altogether without punishment, even 
 if the plaintiff should agree to exchange releases. 
 
 Sir Launcelot, seeing this stubborn rustic effectually 
 humbled, became an advocate in his favour with Mr. Elmy 
 and Tom Clarke, who forgave him at his request, and a 
 mutual release being executed, the farmer was permitted 
 to depart. The populace were regaled at our adventurer's 
 expense, and the men, women, and children who had been 
 wounded or bruised in the battle, to the number of ten or 
 a dozen, were desired to wait upon Mr. Elmy in the morning, 
 to receive the knight's bounty. The justice was prevailed 
 upon to spend the evening with Sir Launcelot and his two
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 175 
 
 companions, for whom supper was bespoken ; but the first 
 thing the cook prepared was a poultice for Crowe's head, 
 which was now enlarged to a monstrous exhibition. Our 
 knight, who was all kindness and complacency, shook Mr. 
 Clarke by the hand, expressing his satisfaction at meeting 
 ■with his old friends again, and told him softly that he had 
 compliments for him from Mrs. Dolly Cowslip, who now 
 lived with his Aurelia. 
 
 Clarke was confounded at this intelligence, and, after 
 some hesitation, " Lord bless my soul ! " cried he, " I'll 
 be shot, then, if the pretended Miss Meadows wa'n't the 
 same as Miss Darnel ! " He then declared himself extremely 
 glad that poor Dolly had got into such an agreeable situation, 
 passed many warm encomiums on her goodness of heart and 
 virtuous inclinations, and concluded with appealing to the 
 knight, whether she did not look very pretty in her green 
 Joseph. In the meantime he procured a plaster for his own 
 head, and helped to apply the poultice to that of his uncle, 
 who was sent to bed betimes with a moderate dose of sack- 
 whey, to promote perspiration. The other three passed 
 the evening to their mutual satisfaction ; and the justice, 
 in particular, grew enamoured of the knight's character, 
 dashed as it was with extravagance. 
 
 Let us now leave them to the enjoyment of a sober and 
 rational conversation, and give some account of other guests, 
 who arrived late in the evening, and here fixed their night 
 quarters. But as we have already trespassed on the reader's 
 patience, we shall give him a short respite, until the next 
 chapter makes its appearance. 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII 
 
 In which the Rays of Chivalry shine with renovated Lustre. 
 
 Our hero little dreamed that he had a formidable rival in 
 the person of the knight, who arrived about eleven, at 
 the sign of the St. George, and, by the noise he made, gave
 
 176 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 intimation of his importance. This was no other than 
 Squire Sycamore, who, having received advice that Miss 
 Aurelia Darnel had eloped from the place of her retreat, 
 immediately took the field in quest of that lovely fugitive ; , 
 hoping that, should he have the good fortune to find her in 
 present distress, his good offices would not be rejected. 
 He had followed the chaise so close, that, immediately after 
 our adventurer's departure, he alighted at the inn, from 
 whence Aurelia had been conveyed ; and there he learned 
 the particulars which we have related above. 
 
 Mr. Sycamore had a great deal of the childish romantic 
 in his disposition, and, in the course of his amours, is said 
 to have always taken more pleasure in the pursuit than in 
 the final possession. He had heard of Sir Launcelot's 
 extravagance, by which he was in some measure infected, 
 and he dropped an insinuation, that he could eclipse his 
 rival, even in his own lunatic sphere. This hint was not 
 lost upon his companion, counsellor, and buffoon, the 
 facetious Davy Dawdle, who had some humour, and a great 
 deal of mischief, in his composition. He looked upon his 
 patron as a fool, and his patron knew him to be both 
 knave and fool ; yet, the two characters suited each other 
 so well, that they could hardly exist asunder. Davy was 
 an artful sycophant, but he did not natter in the usual way ; 
 on the contrary, he behaved en cavalier, and treated Syca- 
 more, on whose bounty he subsisted, with the most sarcastic 
 familiarity. Nevertheless, he seasoned his freedom with 
 certain qualifying ingredients, that subdued the bitterness 
 of it, and was now become so necessary to the squire, that 
 he had no idea of enjoyment with which Dawdle was not 
 somehow or other connected. 
 
 There had been a warm dispute betwixt them about the 
 scheme of contesting the prize with Sir Launcelot in the 
 lists of chivalry. Sycamore had insinuated, that if he had 
 a mind to play the fool, he could wear armour, wield a 
 lance, and manage a charger, as well as Sir Launcelot Greaves. 
 Dawdle, snatching the hint, " I had, some time ago," said 
 he, " contrived a scheme for you, which I was afraid you
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 177 
 
 had not address enough to execute. It would be no difficult 
 matter, in imitation of the bachelor, Sampson Carrasco, to 
 go in quest of Greaves, as a knight-errant, defy him as a 
 1 rival, and establish a compact, by which the vanquished 
 should obey the injunctions of the victor." — " That is my 
 very idea," cried Sycamore. — " Your idea ! " replied the 
 other ; " had you ever an idea of your own conception ? " 
 Thus the dispute began, and was maintained with great 
 vehemence, until other arguments failing, the squire offered 
 to lay a wager of twenty guineas. To this proposal, Dawdle 
 answered by the interjection fish ! which inflamed Sycamore 
 to a repetition of the defiance. " You are in the right," 
 said Dawdle, " to use such an argument as you know is by 
 me unanswerable. A wager of twenty guineas will at any 
 time overthrow and confute all the logic of the most able 
 syllogist, who has not got a shilling in his pocket." 
 
 Sycamore looked very grave at this declaration, and, 
 after a short pause, said, " I wonder. Dawdle, what you do 
 with all your money ? " — " I am surprised you should give 
 yourself that trouble — I never ask what you do with youis." 
 — " You have no occasion to ask ; you know pretty well how 
 it goes." — " What, do you upbraid me with your favours ? — 
 'tis mighty well, Sycamore." — " Nay, Dawdle, I did not 
 intend to affront." — " Z — s ! affront ! what d'ye mean ? " — 
 " I'll assure you, Davy, you don't know me, if you think I 
 
 could be so ungenerous as to — a — to " — " I always 
 
 thought, whatever faults or foibles you might have, Syca- 
 more, that you was not deficient in generosity, — though to 
 be sure it is often very absurdly displayed." — " Ay, that's 
 one of my greatest foibles ; 1 can't refuse even a scoundrel, 
 when I think he is in want. — Here, Dawdle, take that note." 
 — " Not I, sir, — what d'ye mean ? — what right have I 
 to your notes ? " — " Nay, but Dawdle — come." — " By no 
 means ; it looks like the abuse of good-nature ; all the 
 world knows you're good-natured to a fault." — " Co] 
 dear Davy, you shall — you must oblige me." — Thus urged, 
 Dawdle accepted the banknote with great reluctance, and 
 restored the idea to the right owner. 
 
 12
 
 178 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 A suit of armour being brought from the garret or armoury 
 of his ancestors, he gave orders for having the pieces scoured 
 and furbished up ; and his heart dilated with joy, when he 
 reflected upon the superb figure he should make when cased 
 in complete steel, and armed at all points for the combat. 
 
 When he was fitted with the other parts, Dawdle insisted 
 on buckling on his helmet, which weighed fifteen pounds ; 
 and, the headpiece being adjusted, made such a clatter 
 about his ears with a cudgel that his eyes had almost started 
 from their sockets. His voice was lost within the vizor, 
 and his friend affected not to understand his meaning when 
 he made signs with his gauntlets, and endeavoured to close 
 with him, that he might wrest the cudgel from his hand. 
 At length he desisted, saying, " I'll warrant the helmet 
 sound by its ringing " ; and taking it off, found the squire 
 in a cold sweat. He would have achieved his first exploit 
 on the spot, had his strength permitted him to assault 
 Dawdle ; but what with want of air, and the discipline 
 he had undergone, he had well-nigh swooned away ; and 
 before he retrieved the use of his members, he was appeased 
 by the apologies of his companion, who protested he meant 
 nothing more than to try if the helmet was free of cracks, 
 and whether or not it would prove a good protection for 
 the head it covered. 
 
 His excuses were accepted ; the armour was packed up, 
 and next morning Mr. Sycamore set out from his own house, 
 accompanied by Dawdle, who undertook to perform the 
 part of his squire at the approaching combat. He was also 
 attended by a servant on horseback, who had charge of the 
 armour, and another who blowed the trumpet. They no 
 sooner understood that our hero was housed at the George, 
 than the trumpeter sounded a charge, which alarmed Sir 
 Launcelot and his company, and disturbed honest Captain 
 Crowe in the middle of his first sleep. Their next step was 
 to pen a challenge, which, when the stranger departed, 
 was by the trumpeter delivered with great ceremony into 
 the hands of Sir Launcelot, who read it in these words : — 
 " To the knight of the Crescent, greeting. Whereas I am
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 179 
 
 informed you have the presumption to lay claim to the 
 heart of the peerless Aurelia Darnel, I give you notice that 
 I can admit no rivalship in the affection of that paragon 
 of beauty ; and I expect that you will either resign your 
 pretensions, or make it appear in single combat, according 
 to the law of arms and the institutions of chivalry, that you 
 are worthy to dispute her favour with him of the Griffin. — 
 Polydore." 
 
 Our adventurer was not a little surprised at this address, 
 which however he pocketed in silence, and began to reflect, 
 not without mortification, that he was treated as a lunatic 
 by some person, who wanted to amuse himself with the 
 infirmities of his fellow-creatures. Mr. Thomas Clarke, 
 who saw the ceremony with which the letter was delivered, 
 and the emotions with which it was read, hied him to the 
 kitchen for intelligence, and there learned that the stranger 
 was Squire Sycamore. He forthwith comprehended the 
 nature of the billet, and, in the apprehension that bloodshed 
 would ensue, resolved to alarm his uncle, that he might 
 assist in keeping the peace. He accordingly entered the 
 apartment of the captain, who had been waked by the 
 trumpet, and now peevishly asked the meaning of that 
 d — ned piping, as if all hands were called upon deck ? 
 Clarke having imparted what he knew of the transaction, 
 together with his own conjectures, the captain said, he did 
 not suppose as how they would engage by candle-light ; 
 and that, for his own part, he should turn out in the larboard 
 watch, long enough before any signals could be hove out 
 for forming the line. 
 
 With this assurance the lawyer retired to his nest, where 
 he did not fail to dream of Mrs. Dolly Cowslip, while Sir 
 Launcelot passed the night awake, in ruminating on the 
 strange challenge he had received. He had got notice 
 that the sender was Mr. Sycamore, and hesitated with 
 himself whether he should not punish him for his imper- 
 tinence ; but when he reflected on the nature of the dispute, 
 and the serious consequences it might produce, he resolved 
 to decline the combat, as a trial of right and merit founded
 
 1 8b THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 upon absurdity. Even in his maddest hours, he never 
 adopted those maxims of knight-errantry which related to 
 challenges. He always perceived the folly and wickedness 
 of defying a man to mortal fight, because he did not like the 
 colour of his beard, or the complexion of his mistress ; or 
 of deciding by homicide whether he or his rival deserved 
 the preference, when it was the lady's prerogative to deter- 
 mine which should be the happy lover. It was his opinion 
 that chivalry was a useful institution while confined to its 
 original purposes of protecting the innocent, assisting the 
 friendless, and bringing the guilty to condign punishment. 
 But he could not conceive how these laws should be answered 
 by violating every suggestion of reason, and every precept 
 of humanity. 
 
 Captain Crowe did not examine the matter so philosophi- 
 cally. He took it for granted that in the morning the two 
 knights would come to action, and slept sound on that 
 supposition. But he rose before it was day, resolved to be 
 somehow concerned in the fray ; and understanding that 
 the stranger had a companion, set him down immediately 
 for his own antagonist. So impatient was he to establish 
 this secondary contest, that by daybreak he entered the 
 chamber of Dawdle, to which he was directed by the waiter, 
 and roused him with a hilloah, that might have been heard 
 at the distance of half a league. Dawdle, startled by this 
 terrific sound, sprang out of bed, and stood upright on the 
 floor, before he opened his eyes upon the object by which 
 he had been so dreadfully alarmed. But when he beheld 
 the head of Crowe, so swelled and swathed, so livid, hideous, 
 and grisly, with a broadsword by his side, and a case of 
 pistols in his girdle, he believed it was the apparition of 
 some murdered man ; his hair bristled up, his teeth chattered, 
 and his knees knocked ; he would have prayed, but his tongue 
 denied its office. Crowe seeing his perturbation, " Mayhap, 
 friend," said he, " you take me for a buccaneer ; but I am 
 no such person. — My name is Captain Crowe. — I come 
 not for your silver nor your gold, your rigging nor your 
 stowage ; but hearing as how your friend intends to bring my
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 181 
 
 friend Sir Launcelot Greaves to action, d'ye see, I desire 
 in the way of friendship, that, while they are engaged, you 
 and I, as their seconds, may lie board and board for a few 
 glasses to divert one another, d'ye see." Dawdle, hearing 
 this request, began to retrieve his faculties, and throwing 
 himself into the attitude of Hamlet when the ghost appears, 
 exclaimed in theatrical accent : 
 
 Angels and ministers of grace defend us ! 
 Art thou a spirit of grace, or goblin damn'd ? 
 
 As he seemed to bend his eye on vacancy, the captain 
 began to think that he reallv saw something preternatural, 
 and stared wildly round. Then addressing himself to the 
 terrified Dawdle, " D— n'd," said he, " for what should I 
 be d — n'd ? If you are afeard of goblins, brother, put your 
 trust in the Lord, and He'll prove a sheet-anchor to you." 
 The other having by this time recollected himself perfectly, 
 continued notwithstanding to spout tragedy, and, in the 
 words of Macbeth, pronounced : 
 
 What man dare, I dare : 
 
 Approach thou like the rugged Russian bear, 
 The arm'd rhinoceros, or Hyrcanian tiger ; 
 Take any shape but that, and my firm nerves 
 Shall never tremble. 
 
 " 'Ware names, Jack," cried the impatient mariner, 
 " if so be as how you'll bear a hand and rig yourself, and 
 take a short trip with me into the offing, we'll overhaul this 
 here affair in the turning of a capstan." 
 
 At this juncture they were joined by Mr. Sycamore 
 in his night-gown and slippers. Disturbed by Crowe's 
 first salute, he sprang up, and now expressed no small 
 astonishment at first sight of the novice's countenance. 
 After having gazed alternately at him and Dawdle, " Who 
 have wc got here ? " said he ; " raw head and bloody 
 bones f " When his friend, slipping on his clothes, gave 
 him to understand that this was a friend of Sir Launcelot 
 Greaves, and explained the purport of his errand, he treated 
 him with more civility. He assured him that he should have
 
 i8z THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 the pleasure to break a spear with Mr. Dawdle ; and signified 
 his surprise that Sir Launcelot had made no answer to his 
 letter. It being by this time clear daylight, and Crowe 
 extremely interested in this affair, he broke without ceremony 
 into the knight's chamber, and told him abruptly that the 
 enemy had brought to, and waited for his coming up, in 
 order to begin the action. " I've hailed his consort," said 
 he, " a shambling, chattering fellow. He took me first 
 for a hobgoblin, then called me names, a tiger, a wrynoseo'- 
 ross, and a Persian bear ; but egad, if I come athwart him, 
 I'll make him look like the bear and ragged staff before we 
 part — I wool." 
 
 This intimation was not received with that alacrity which 
 the captain expected to find in our adventurer, who told 
 him in a peremptory tone, that he had no design to come to 
 action, and desired to be left to his repose. Crowe forthwith 
 retired crestfallen, and muttered something, which was never 
 distinctly heard. 
 
 About eight in the morning Mr. Dawdle brought him a 
 formal message from the Knight of the Griffin, desiring he 
 would appoint the lists, and give security of the field. To 
 which request he made answer in a very composed and 
 solemn accent, " If the person who sent you thinks I have 
 injured him, let him without disguise or any such ridiculous 
 ceremony, explain the nature of the wrong ; and then I shall 
 give such satisfaction as may suit my conscience and my 
 character. If he hath bestowed his affection upon any 
 particular object, and looks upon me as a favourite rival, 
 I shall not wrong the lady so much as to take any step that 
 may prejudice her choice, especially a step that contradicts 
 my own reason as much as it would outrage the laws of my 
 country. If he who calls himself Knight of the Griffin is 
 really desirous of treading in the paths of true chivalry, he 
 will not want opportunities of signalising his valour in the 
 cause of virtue. Should he, notwithstanding this declaration, 
 offer violence to me in the course of my occasions, he will 
 always find me in a posture of defence. Or, should he 
 persist in repeating his importunities, I shall without cere-
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 183 
 
 mony chastise the messenger." His declining the combat 
 was interpreted into fear by Mr. Sycamore, who now became 
 more insolent and ferocious, on the supposition of our knight's 
 timidity. Sir Launcelot meanwhile went to breakfast with 
 his friends, and, having put on his armour, ordered the 
 horses to be brought forth. Then he paid the bill, and 
 walking deliberately to the gate, in presence of Squire 
 Sycamore and his attendants, vaulted at one spring into 
 the saddle of Bronzomarte, whose neighing and curveting 
 proclaimed the joy he felt in being mounted by his accom- 
 plished master. 
 
 Though the Knight of the Griffin did not think proper 
 to insult his rival personally, his friend Dawdle did not fail 
 to crack some jokes on the figure and horsemanship of Crowe, 
 who again declared he should be glad to fall in with him 
 upon the voyage. Nor did Mr. Clarke's black patch and 
 rueful countenance pass unnoticed and unridiculed. As 
 for Timothy Crabshaw, he beheld his brother squire with 
 the contempt of a veteran, and Gilbert paid him his com- 
 pliments with his heels at parting. But when our adventurer 
 and his retinue were clear of the inn, Mr. Sycamore ordered 
 his trumpeter to sound a retreat, by way of triumph over 
 his antagonist. 
 
 Perhaps he would have contented himself with this kind 
 of victory, had not Dawdle further inflamed his envy and 
 ambition by launching out in praise of Sir Launcelot. He 
 observed that his countenance was open and manly ; his 
 joints strong knit, and his form unexceptionable ; that he 
 trod like Hercules, and vaulted into the saddle like a winged 
 Mercury. Nay, he even hinted it was lucky for Sycamore 
 that the Knight of the Crescent happened to be so pacifically 
 disposed. His patron sickened at these praises, and took 
 fire at the last observation. He affected to undervalue 
 personal beauty, though the opinion of the world had been 
 favourable to , himself in that particular. He said he was 
 at least two inches taller than Greaves, and as to shape and 
 air, he would make no comparisons ; but with respect to 
 riding, he was sure he had a better seat than Sir Launcelot,
 
 1 84 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 and would wager five hundred to fifty guineas that he would 
 unhorse him at the first encounter. " There is no occasion 
 for laying wagers," replied Mr. Dawdle ; " the doubt may 
 be determined in half an hour. Sir Launcelot is not a man 
 to avoid you at full gallop." Sycamore, after some hesita- 
 tion, declared he would follow and provoke him to battle, 
 on condition that Dawdle would engage Crowe ; and this 
 condition was accepted. For, though Davy had no stomach 
 to the trial, he could not readily find an excuse for declining 
 it. Besides, he had discovered the captain to be a very bad 
 horseman, and resolved to eke out his own scanty valour 
 with a border of ingenuity. The servants were immediately 
 ordered to unpack the armour, and, in a little time, Mr. 
 Sycamore made a very formidable appearance. But the 
 scene that followed is too important to be huddled in at the 
 end of a chapter, and therefore we shall reserve it for a more 
 conspicuous place in these memoirs. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX 
 
 Containing the Achievements of the Knights of the Griffin 
 and Crescent. 
 
 Mr. Sycamore, alias the Knight of the Griffin, so denom- 
 inated from a griffin painted on his shield, being armed at 
 all points, and his friend Dawdle provided with a certain 
 implement, which he flattered himself would ensure a victory 
 over the novice Crowe, they set out from the George, with 
 their attendants, in all the elevation of hope, and pranced 
 along the highway that led toward London, that being the 
 road which our adventurer pursued. As they were extremely 
 well mounted, and proceeded at a round pace, they, in less 
 than two hours, came up with Sir Launcelot and his com- 
 pany ; and Sycamore sent another formal defiance to the 
 knight by his trumpeter, Dawdle having, for good reasons, 
 declined that office. 
 
 Our adventurer hearing himself thus addressed, and seeing
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 185 
 
 his rival, who had passed him, posted to obstruct his progress, 
 armed cap-a-pie, with his lance in the rest, determined to 
 give the satisfaction that was required, and desired that the 
 regulations of the combat might be established. The 
 Knight of the Griffin proposed that the vanquished party 
 should resign all pretensions to Miss Aurelia Darnel, in 
 favour of the victor ; that, while the principals were engaged, 
 his friend Dawdle should run a tilt with Captain Crowe ; 
 that Squire Crabshaw and Mr. Sycamore's servant should 
 keep themselves in readiness to assist their respective masters 
 occasionally, according to the law of arms ; and that Mr. 
 Clarke should observe the motions of the trumpeter, whose 
 province was to sound the charge to battle. 
 
 Our knight agreed to these regulations, notwithstanding 
 the earnest and pathetic remonstrances of the young lawyer, 
 who, with tears in his eyes, conjured all the combatants, in 
 their turns, to refrain from an action that might be attended 
 with bloodshed and murder ; and was contrary to the laws 
 both of God and man. In vain he endeavoured to move 
 them by tears and entreaties, by threatening them with 
 prosecutions in this world, and pains and penalties in the 
 next. They persisted in their resolution, and his uncle 
 would have begun hostilities on his carcass, had he not been 
 prevented by Sir Launcelot, who exhorted Clarke to retire 
 from the field, that he might not be involved in the conse- 
 quences of the combat. He relished this advice so well, 
 that he had actually moved off to some distance ; but his 
 apprehensions and concern for his friends co-operating 
 with an insatiable curiosity, detained him in sight of the 
 engagement. 
 
 The two knights having fairly divided the ground, and 
 the same precautions being taken by the seconds on another 
 part of the field, Sycamore began to be invaded with some 
 scruples, which were probably engendered by the martial 
 appearance and well-known character of his antagonist. 
 The confidence which he derived from the reluctance of 
 Sir Launcelot now vanished, because it plainly appeared 
 that the knight's backwardness was not owing to personal
 
 1 86 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 timidity, and he foresaw that the prosecution of this joke 
 might be attended with very serious consequences to his 
 own life and reputation. He therefore desired a parley, in 
 which he observed his affection for Miss Darnel was of such 
 a delicate nature, that, should the discomfiture of his rival 
 contribute to make her unhappy, his victory must render 
 him the most miserable wretch upon earth. He proposed, 
 therefore, that her sentiments and choice should be ascer- 
 tained before they proceeded to extremity. 
 
 Sir Launcelot declared that he was much more afraid of 
 combating Aurelia's inclination than of opposing the Knight 
 of the Griffin in arms, and that if he had the least reason to 
 think Mr. Sycamore, or any other person, was distinguished 
 by her preference, he would instantly give up his suit as 
 desperate. At the same time he observed that Sycamore 
 had proceeded too far to retract ; that he had insulted a 
 gentleman, and not only challenged, but even pursued him, 
 and blocked up his passage in the public highway — outrages 
 which he (Sir Launcelot) would not suffer to pass unpunished. 
 Accordingly, he insisted on the combat, on pain of treating 
 Sycamore as a craven and a recreant. This declaration was 
 reinforced by Dawdle, who told him that, should he now 
 decline the engagement, all the world would look upon him 
 as an infamous poltroon. 
 
 These two observations gave a necessary fillip to the 
 courage x of the challenger. The parties took their stations. 
 The trumpet sounded to charge, and the combatants began 
 their career with great impetuosity. Whether the gleam of 
 Sir Launcelot's rrms affrighted Mr. Sycamore's steed, or 
 some other object had an unlucky effect on his eyesight, 
 certain it, is he started at about midway, and gave his rider 
 such a violent shake as discomposed his attitude, and disabled 
 him from using his lance to the best advantage. Had our 
 hero continued his career, with his lance couched, in all 
 probability Sycamore's armour would have proved but a 
 bad defence to his carcass ; but Sir Launcelot, perceiving 
 his rival's spear unrested, had just time to throw up the point 
 of his own, when the two horses closed with such a shock
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 187 
 
 that Sycamore, already wavering in the saddle, was over- 
 thrown, and his armour crashed around him as he fell. 
 
 The victor, seeing him lie without motion, alighted im- 
 mediately and began to unbuckle his helmet, in which office 
 he was assisted by the trumpeter. When the headpiece was 
 removed, the hapless Knight of the Griffin appeared in the 
 pale livery of death, though he was only in a swoon, from 
 which he soon recovered by the effect of the fresh air, and 
 the aspersion of cold water, brought from a small pool in 
 the neighbourhood. When he recognised his conqueror 
 doing the offices of humanity about his person, he closed 
 his eyes from vexation, told Sir Launcelot that his was the 
 fortune of the day, though he himself owed his mischance 
 to the fault of his own horse, and observed that this ridiculous 
 affair would not have happened but for the mischievous 
 instigation of that scoundrel Dawdle, on whose ribs he 
 threatened to revenge this mishap. 
 
 Perhaps Captain Crowe might have saved him the trouble, 
 had the wag honourably adhered to the institutions of 
 chivalry in his conflict with our novice. But on this occasion 
 his ingenuity was more commendable than his courage. He 
 had provided at the inn a blown bladder, in which several 
 smooth pebbles were enclosed, and this he slyly fixed on the 
 head of his pole when the captain obeyed the signal of battle. 
 Instead of bearing the brunt of the encounter, he turned 
 out of the straight line, so as to avoid the lance of his antag- 
 onist, and rattled his bladder with such effect that Crowe's 
 horse, pricking up his ears, took to his heels, and fled across 
 some ploughed land with such precipitation, that the rider 
 was obliged to quit his spear and lay fast hold on the mane, 
 that he might not be thrown out of the saddle. Dawdle, 
 who was much better mounted, seeing his condition, rode 
 up to the unfortunate novice and belaboured his shoulders 
 without fear of retaliation. 
 
 Mr. Clarke, seeing his kinsman so roughly handled, forgot 
 his fears and flew to his assistance, but before he came up 
 the aggressor had retired ; and now perceiving that fortune 
 had declared against his friend and patron, very honourably
 
 1 88 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 abandoned him in his distress, and went off at full speed for 
 London. 
 
 Nor was Timothy Crabshaw without his share in the noble 
 achievements of this propitious day. He had by this time 
 imbibed such a tincture of errantry that he firmly believed 
 himself and his master equally invincible, and this belief 
 operating upon a perverse disposition, rendered him as 
 quarrelsome in his sphere as his master was mild and for- 
 bearing. As he sat on horseback, in the place assigned to 
 him and Sycamore's lacquey, he managed Gilbert in such a 
 manner as to invade with his heels the posteriors of the 
 other's horse, and this insult produced some altercation 
 which ended in mutual assault. The footman handled the 
 butt-end of his horsewhip with great dexterity about the 
 head of Crabshaw, who declared afterwards that it sung and 
 simmered like a kettle of cod-fish ; but the squire, who 
 understood the nature of long lashes, as having been a carter 
 from his infancy, found means to twine his thong about 
 the neck of his antagonist, and pull him off his horse half 
 strangled, at the very instant his master was thrown by Sir 
 Launcelot Greaves. 
 
 Having thus obtained the victory, he did not much regard 
 the punctilios of chivalry, but, taking it for granted he had 
 a right to make the most of his advantage, resolved to carry 
 off the spolia opima. Alighting with great agility, " Brother," 
 cried he, " I think as haw yawrs bean't a butcher's horse, a 
 doan't carry calves well — I'se make yaw knaw your churning 
 days, I wool — what, yaw look as if yaw was crow-trodden, 
 you do — now, you shall pay the score you have been running 
 on my pate, you shall, brother." 
 
 So saying, he rifled his pockets, stripped him of his hat 
 and coat, and took possession of his master's portmanteau. 
 But he did not long enjoy his plunder. For the lacquey 
 complaining to Sir Launcelot of his having been despoiled, 
 the knight commanded his squire to refund, not without 
 menaces of subjecting him to the severest chastisement for 
 his injustice and rapacity. Timothy represented, with great 
 vehemence, that he had won the spoils in fair battle, at the
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 189 
 
 expense of his head and shoulders, which he immediately 
 uncovered, to prove his allegation. But his remonstrance 
 having no effect upon his master, " Wounds ! " cried he, 
 " an I mun gee thee back the pig, I'se gee thee back the poke 
 also ; I'm a drubbing still in thy debt." 
 
 With these words, he made a most furious attack upon 
 the plaintiff with his horsewhip, and, before the knight could 
 interpose, repaid the lacquey with interest. As an appur- 
 tenance to Sycamore and Dawdle, he ran the risk of another 
 assault from the novice Crowe, who was so transported with 
 rage at the disagreeable trick which had been played upon 
 him by his fugitive antagonist, that he could not for some 
 time pronounce an articulate sound, but a few broken inter- 
 jections, the meaning of which could not be ascertained. 
 Snatching up his pole, he ran towards the place where Mr. 
 Sycamore sat on the grass, supported by the trumpeter, and 
 would have finished what our adventurer had left undone, 
 if the Knight of the Crescent, with admirable dexterity, 
 had not warded off the blow which he aimed at the Knight 
 of the Griffin, and signified his displeasure in a resolute tone. 
 Then he collared the lacquey, who was just disengaged from 
 the chastising hand of Crabshaw, and swinging his lance with 
 his other hand, encountered the squire's ribs by accident. 
 
 Timothy was not slow in returning the salutation witu 
 the weapon which he still wielded. Mr. Clarke running 
 up to the assistance of his uncle, was opposed by the lacquey, 
 who seemed extremely desirous of seeing the enemy revenge 
 his quarrel, by falling foul of one another. Clarke, thus 
 impeded, commenced hostilities against the footman, while 
 Crowe grappled with Crabshaw ; a battle-royal ensued, 
 and was maintained with great vigour, and some bloodshed 
 on all sides, until the authority of Sir Launcelot, reinforced 
 by some weighty remonstrances applied to the squire, put 
 an end to the conflict. Crabshaw immediately desisted, 
 and ran roaring to communicate his grievances to Gilbert, 
 who seemed to sympathise very little with his distress. The 
 lacquey took to his heels ; Mr. Clarke wiped his bloody nose, 
 declaring he had a good mind to put the aggressor in the
 
 190 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 Crown Office ; and Captain Crowe continued to ejaculate 
 unconnected oaths ; which, however, seemed to imply that 
 he was almost sick of his new profession. " D — n my eyes, 
 if you call this — start my timbers, brother — look ye, d'ye 
 see — a lousy, lubberly, cowardly son of a — among the 
 breakers, d'ye see — lost my steerage way — split my binnacle ; 
 hawl away — Oh ! d — n all arrantry — give me a tight vessel, 
 d'ye see, brother — mayhap you mayn't — snatch my — sea- 
 room and a spanking gale — odds heart, I'll hold a whole 
 year's — smite my limbs ; it don't signify talking." 
 
 Our hero consoled the novice for his disaster, by observing 
 that if he had got some blows he had lost no honour. At 
 the same time he observed, that it was very difficult, if not 
 impossible, for a man to succeed in the paths of chivalry, 
 who had passed the better part of his days in other occupa- 
 tions ; and hinted that, as the cause which had engaged 
 him in this way of life no longer existed, he was determined 
 to relinquish a profession which, in a peculiar manner, 
 exposed him to the most disagreeable incidents. Crowe 
 chewed the cud upon this insinuation, while the other 
 personages of the drama were employed in catching the 
 horses, which had given their riders the slip. As for Mr. 
 Sycamore, he was so bruised by his fall, that it was necessary 
 to procure a litter for conveying him to the next town, and 
 the servant was despatched for this convenience, Sir Launce- 
 lot staying with him until it arrived. 
 
 When he was safely deposited in the carriage, our hero 
 took leave of him in these terms : " I shall not insist upon 
 your submitting to the terms you yourself proposed before 
 this rencontre. I give you free leave to use all your advan- 
 tages, in an honourable way, for promoting your suit with 
 the young lady of whom you profess yourself enamoured. 
 Should you have recourse to sinister practices, you will find 
 Sir Launcelot Greaves ready to demand an account of your 
 conduct, not in the character of a lunatic knight-errant, 
 but as a plain English gentleman, jealous of his honour, 
 and resolute in his purpose." 
 
 To this address Mr. Sycamore made no reply, but with a
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 191 
 
 sullen aspect ordered the carriage to proceed ; and it moved 
 accordingly to the right, our hero's road to London lying 
 in the other direction. 
 
 Sir Launcelot had already exchanged his armour for a 
 riding-coat, hat, and boots ; and Crowe, parting with his 
 skull-cap and leathern jerkin, regained, in some respects, 
 the appearance of a human creature. Thus metamorphosed, 
 they pursued their way in an easy pace, Mr. Clarke endeavour- 
 ing to amuse them with a learned dissertation on the law, 
 tending to demonstrate that Mr. Sycamore was, by his 
 behaviour on that day, liable to three different actions, 
 besides a commission of lunacy ; and that Dawdle might be 
 prosecuted for having practised subtle craft to the annoyance 
 of his uncle, over and above an action for assault and battery ; 
 because, for why ? The said Crowe having run away, as 
 might be easily proved, before any blows were given, the said 
 Dawdle, by pursuing him even out of the highroad, putting 
 him in fear, and committing battery on his body, became to 
 all intents and purposes the aggressor ; and an indictment 
 would lie in Banco Regis. 
 
 The captain's pride was so shocked at these observations, 
 that he exclaimed with equal rage and impatience, " You 
 lie, you dog, in Bilcum Regis — you lie, I say, you lubber, 
 I did not run away ; nor was I in fear, d'ye see. It was 
 my son of a bitch of a horse that would not obey the helm, 
 d'ye see, whereby I cou'dn't use my metal, d'ye see. As 
 
 for the matter of fear, you and fear may kiss my . So 
 
 don't go and heave your stink-pots at my character, d'ye 
 
 see, or egad I'll trim thee fore and aft with a , I wool." 
 
 Tom protested he meant nothing but a little speculation, 
 and Crowe was appeased. 
 
 In the evening they reached the town of Bugden without 
 any farther adventure, and passed the night in great tran- 
 quillity. 
 
 Next morning, even after the horses were ordered to be 
 saddled, Mr. Clarke, without ceremony, entered the apart- 
 ment of Sir Launcelot, leading in a female, who proved 
 to be the identical Mrs. Dolly Cowslip. This young woman,
 
 192 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 advancing to the knight, cried, " Oh, Sir Launcelot ! my 
 dear leady, my dear leady ! " — but was hindered from 
 proceeding by a flood of tears, which the tender-hearted 
 lawyer mingled with a plentiful shower of sympathy. 
 
 Our adventurer starting at this exclamation, " Oh 
 heavens ! " cried he, " where is my Aurelia ? speak, where 
 did you leave that jewel of my soul ? answer me in a moment 
 — I am all terror and impatience ! " 
 
 Dolly, having recollected herself, told him that Mr. 
 Darnel had lodged his niece in the new buildings by May 
 Fair ; that, on the second night after their arrival, a very 
 warm expostulation had passed between Aurelia and her 
 uncle, who next morning dismissed Dolly, without per- 
 mitting her to take leave of her mistress, and that same day 
 moved to another part of the town, as she afterwards learned 
 of the landlady, though she could not inform her whither 
 they were gone. That, when she was turned away, John 
 Clump, one of the footmen, who pretended to have a 
 kindness for her, had faithfully promised to call upon her, 
 and let her know what passed in the family ; but as he did 
 not keep his word, and she was an utter stranger in London, 
 without friends or settlement, she had resolved to return to 
 her mother, and travelled so far on foot since yesterday 
 morning. 
 
 Our knight, who had expected the most dismal tidings 
 from her lamentable preamble, was pleased to find his 
 presaging fears disappointed ; though he was far from being 
 satisfied with the dismission of Dolly, from whose attachment 
 to his interest, joined to her influence over Mr. Clump, he 
 had hoped to reap such intelligence as would guide him 
 to the haven of his desires. After a minute's reflection, 
 he saw it would be expedient to carry back Mrs, Cowslip, 
 and lodge her at the place where Mr. Clump had promised 
 to visit her with intelligence ; for, in all probability, it 
 was not for want of inclination that he had not kept his 
 promise. 
 
 Dolly did not express any aversion to the scheme of 
 returning to London, where she hoped once more to rejoin
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 193 
 
 her dear lady, to whom by this time she was attached by 
 the strongest ties of affection ; and her inclination in this 
 respect v/as assisted by the consideration of having the 
 company of the young lawyer, who, it plainly appeared, 
 had made strange havoc in her heart, though it must be 
 owned, for the honour of this blooming damsel, that her 
 thoughts had never once deviated from the paths of innocence 
 and virtue. The more Sir Launcelot surveyed this agreeable 
 maiden, the more he felt himself disposed to take care of 
 her fortune ; and from this day he began to ruminate on a 
 scheme which was afterwards consummated in her favour. 
 In the meantime he laid injunctions on Mr. Clarke, to 
 conduct his addresses to Mrs. Cowslip according to the 
 rules of honour and decorum, as he valued his countenance 
 and friendship. His next step was to procure a saddle-horse 
 for Dolly, who preferred this to any other sort of carriage, 
 and thereby gratified the wish of her admirer, who longed 
 to see her on horseback in her green Joseph. 
 
 The armour, including the accoutrements of the novice 
 and the squire, were left in the care of the inn-keeper, and 
 Timothy Crabshaw was so metamorphosed by a plain livery- 
 frock, that even Gilbert with difficulty recognised his person. 
 As for the novice Crowe, his head had almost resumed its 
 natural dimensions, but then his whole face was so covered 
 with a livid suffusion, his nose appeared so flat, and his lips 
 so tumefied, that he might very well have passed for a Caffre 
 or Ethiopian. Every circumstance being now adjusted, 
 they departed from Bugde/. in a regular cavalcade, dined at 
 Hatfield, and in the evening arrived at the Bull and Gate 
 Inn in Holborn, where they established their quarters for 
 the night. 
 
 CHAPTER XX 
 
 In which our Hero descends into the Mansions of the 
 Damned. 
 
 The first step which Sir Launcelot took in the morning that 
 succeeded his arrival in London was to settle Mrs. Dolly 
 
 13
 
 i 9 4 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 Cowslip in lodgings at the house where John Clump had 
 promised to vLit her ; as he did not doubt, that, though 
 the visit was delayed, it would some time or other be per- 
 formed, and in that case he might obtain some intelligence 
 of Aurelia. Mr. Thomas Clarke was permitted to take up 
 his habitation in the same house, on his earnestly desiring 
 he might be intrusted with the office of conveying information 
 and instruction between Dolly and our adventurer. The 
 knight himself resolved to live retired, until he should receive 
 some tidings relating to Miss Darnel that should influence 
 his conduct ; but he proposed to frequent places of public 
 resort incognito, that he might have some chance of meeting 
 by accident with the mistress of his heart. 
 
 Taking it for granted that the oddities of Crowe would 
 help to amuse him in his hours of solitude and disappoint- 
 ment, he invited that original to be his guest at a small house, 
 which he determined to hire ready furnished, in the neigh- 
 bourhood of Golden Square. The captain thanked him for 
 his courtesy, and frankly embraced his offer, though he did not 
 much approve of the knight's choice in point of situation. 
 He said he would recommend him to a special good upper 
 deck hard by St. Catherine's in Wapping, where he would 
 be delighted with the prospect of the street forwards, well 
 frequented by passengers, carts, drays, and other carriages ; 
 and having backwards an ageeable view of Alderman Parson's 
 great brewhouse, with two hundred hogs feeding almost 
 under the window. As a further inducement, he mentioned 
 the vicinity of the Tower guns, which would regale his 
 hearing on days of salutation ; nor did he forget the sweet 
 sound of mooring and unmooring ships in the river, and the 
 pleasing objects on the other side of the Thames, displayed 
 in the oozy docks and cabbage-gardens of Rotherhithe. 
 Sir Launcelot was not insensible to the beauties of this 
 landscape, but, his pursuit lying another way, he contented 
 himself with a less enchanting situation, and Crowe accom- 
 panied him out of pure friendship. 
 
 At night, Mr. Clarke arrived at our hero's house with 
 tidings that were by no means agreeable. He told him, that
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 195 
 
 Clump had left a letter for Dolly, informing her that his 
 master, Squire Darnel, was to set out early in the morning 
 for Yorkshire ; but he could give no account of her lady, 
 who had the day before been conveyed, he knew not whither, 
 in a hackney-coach, attended by her uncle and an ill-looking 
 fellow, who had much the appearance of a bailiff or turnkey, 
 so that he feared she was in trouble. 
 
 Sir Launcelot was deeply affected by this intimation. 
 His apprehension was even roused by a suspicion that a man 
 of Darnel's violent temper and unprincipled heart might 
 have practised upon the life of his lovely niece ; but, upon 
 recollection, he could not suppose that he had recourse 
 to such infamous expedients, knowing, as he did, that an 
 account of her would be demanded at his hands, and that 
 it would be easily proved he had conveyed her from the 
 lodging in which she resided. 
 
 His first fears now gave way to another suggestion, that 
 Anthony, in order to intimidate her into a compliance with 
 his proposals, had trumped up a spurious claim against her, 
 and, by virtue of a writ, confined her in some prison or 
 spunging-house. Possessed with this idea, he desired Mr. 
 Clarke to search the sheriff's office in the morning, that he 
 might know whether any such writ had been granted ; and 
 he himself resolved to make a tour of the great prisons 
 belonging to the metropolis, to inquire if perchance she 
 might not be confined under a borrowed name. Finally, he 
 determined, if possible, to apprise her of his place of abode, by 
 a paragraph in all the daily papers signifying that Sir Launce- 
 lot Greaves had arrived at his house near Golden Square. 
 
 All these resolutions were punctually executed. No such 
 writ had been taken out in the sheriff's office ; and therefore 
 our hero set out on his jail expedition, accompanied by 
 Mr. Clarke, who had contracted some acquaintance with the 
 commanding officers in these garrisons, in the course of his 
 clerkship and practice as an attorney. The first day they 
 spent in prosecuting their inquiry through the Gate House, 
 Fleet, and Marshalsca ; the next day they allotted to the 
 King's Bench, where they understood there was a great
 
 196 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 variety of prisoners. There they proposed to make a minute 
 scrutiny, by the help of Mr. Norton, the deputy-marshal, 
 who was Mr. Clarke's intimate friend, and had nothing at all 
 of the jailer, either in his appearance or in his disposition, 
 which was remarkably humane and benevolent towards all 
 his fellow-creatures. 
 
 The knight having bespoken dinner at a tavern in the 
 Borough, was, together with Captain Crowe, conducted 
 to the prison of the King's Bench, which is situated in 
 St. George's Fields, about a mile from the end of Westminster 
 Bridge, and appears like a neat little regular town, consisting 
 of one street, surrounded by a very high wall, including an 
 open piece of ground, which may be termed a garden, where 
 the prisoners take the air and amuse themselves with a variety 
 of diversions. Except the entrance, where the turnkeys keep 
 watch and ward, there is nothing in the place that looks like 
 a jail, or bears the least colour of restraint. The street is 
 crowded with passengers. Tradesmen of all kinds here 
 exercise their different professions. Hawkers of all sorts are 
 admitted to call and vend their wares as in any open street 
 of London. Here are butchers' stands, chandlers' shops, a 
 surgery, a tap-house, well frequented, and a public kitchen, 
 in which provisions are dressed for all the prisoners gratis, 
 at the expense of the publican. Here the voice of misery 
 never complains ; and, indeed, little else is to be heard but 
 the sounds of mirth and jollity. At the farther end of the 
 street, on the right hand, is a little paved court, leading to 
 a separate building, consisting of twelve large apartments, 
 called state rooms, well furnished and fitted up for the 
 reception of the better sort of Crown prisoners ; and, on 
 the other side of the street, facing a separate division of 
 ground, called the common side, is a range of rooms occupied 
 by prisoners of the lowest order, who share the profits of a 
 begging-box, and are maintained by this practice, and some 
 established funds of charity. We ought also to observe that 
 the jail is provided with a neat chapel, in which a clergyman, 
 in consideration of a certain salary, performs divine service 
 every Sunday.
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 197 
 
 Our adventurer, having searched the books, and perused 
 the description of all the female prisoners who had been for 
 some weeks admitted into the jail, obtained not the least 
 intelligence of his concealed charmer, but resolved to alleviate 
 his disappointment by the gratification of his curiosity. 
 
 Under the auspices of Mr. Norton he made a tour of the 
 prison, and, in particular, visited the kitchen, where he saw 
 a number of spits loaded with a variety of provision, con- 
 sisting of butchers' meat, poultry, and game. He could 
 not help expressing his astonishment, with uplifted hands, 
 and congratulating himself in secret upon his being a member 
 of that community which had provided such a comfortable 
 asylum for the unfortunate. His ejaculation was interrupted 
 by a tumultuous noise in the street ; and Mr. Norton de- 
 claring he was sent for to the lodge, consigned our hero to 
 the care of one Mr. Felton, a prisoner of a very decent 
 appearance, who paid his compliments with a good grace, 
 and invited the company to repose themselves in his apart- 
 ment, which was large, commodious, and well furnished. 
 When Sir Launcelot asked the cause of that uproar, he told 
 him that it was the prelude to a boxing-match between two 
 of the prisoners, to be decided in the ground or garden of 
 the place. 
 
 Captain Crowe expressing an eager curiosity to see the 
 battle, Mr. Felton assured him there would be no sport, 
 as the combatants were both reckoned dunghills ; " but in 
 half an hour," said he, " there will be a battle of some 
 consequence between two of the demagogues of the place, 
 Dr. Crabclaw and Mr. Tapley, the first a physician and the 
 other a brewer. You must know, gentlemen, that this 
 imcrocosm, or republic in miniature, is, like the great world, 
 split into factions. Crabclaw is the leader of one party, and 
 the other is headed by Tapley ; both are men of warm and 
 impetuous tempers, and their intrigues have embroiled the 
 whole place, insomuch that it was dangerous to walk the 
 street on account of the continual skirmishes of their par- 
 tisans. At length some of the more sedate inhabitants, 
 having met and deliberated upon some remedy for these
 
 198 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 growing disorders, proposed that the dispute should be at 
 once decided by single combat between the two chiefs, who 
 readily agreed to the proposal. The match was accordingly 
 made for five guineas, and this very day and hour appointed 
 for the trial, on which considerable sums of money are 
 depending. As for Mr. Norton, it is not proper that he 
 should be present, or seem to countenance such violent 
 proceedings, which, however, it is necessary to connive at, 
 as convenient vents for the evaporation of those humours 
 which, being confined, might accumulate and break out 
 with greater fury in conspiracy and rebellion." 
 
 The knight owned he could not conceive by what means 
 such a number of licentious people, amounting, with their 
 dependants, to above five hundred, were restrained within 
 the bounds of any tolerable discipline, or prevented from 
 making their escape, which they might at any time accom- 
 plish, either by stealth or open violence, as it could not be 
 supposed that one or two turnkeys, continually employed in 
 opening and shutting the door, could resist the efforts of a 
 whole multitude. 
 
 " Your wonder, good sir," said Mr. Felton, " will vanish 
 when you consider it is hardly possible that the multitude 
 should co-operate in the execution of such a scheme, and 
 that the keeper perfectly well understands the maxim divide 
 et imperii. Many prisoners are restrained by the dictates of 
 gratitude towards the deputy-marshal, whose friendship and 
 good offices they have experienced ; some no doubt are 
 actuated by motives of discretion. One party is an effectual 
 check upon the other ; and I am firmly persuaded that there 
 are not ten prisoners within the place that would make their 
 escape if the doors were laid open. This is a step which no 
 man would take, unless his fortune was altogether desperate, 
 because it would oblige him to leave his country for life, and 
 expose him to the most imminent risk of being retaken and 
 treated with the utmost severity. The majority of the 
 prisoners live in the most lively hope of being released by the 
 assistance of their friends, the compassion of their creditors, 
 or the favour of the legislature. Some who are cut off from
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 199 
 
 all these proposals are become naturalised to the place, 
 knowing they cannot subsist in any other situation. I 
 myself am one of these. After having resigned all my effects 
 for the benefit of my creditors, I have been detained these 
 nine years in prison, because one person refuses to sign my 
 certificate. I have long outlived all my friends from whom 
 I could expect the least countenance or favour. I am grown 
 old in confinement, and lay my account with ending my days 
 in jail, as the mercy of the legislature in favour of insolvent 
 debtors is never extended to uncertified bankrupts taken in 
 execution. By dint of industry and the most rigid economy, 
 I make shift to live independent in this retreat. To this 
 scene my faculty of subsisting, as well as my body, is peculiarly 
 confined. Had I an opportunity to escape, where should I 
 go ? All my views of fortune have been long blasted. I 
 have no friends nor connections in the world. I must, 
 therefore, starve in some sequestered corner, or be recapti- 
 vated and confined for ever to close prison, deprived of the 
 indulgences which I now enjoy." 
 
 Here the conversation was broken off by another uproar, 
 which was the signal to battle between the doctor and his 
 antagonist. The company immediately adjourned to the 
 field, where the combatants were already undressed, and the 
 stakes deposited. The doctor seemed of the middle age and 
 middle stature, active and alert, with an atrabilarious aspect, 
 and a mixture of rage and disdain expressed in his counte- 
 nance. The brewer was large, raw-boned, and round as a 
 butt of beer, but very fat, unwieldy, short-winded, and 
 phlegmatic. Our adventurer was not a little surprised when 
 he beheld, in the character of seconds, a male and female 
 stripped naked from the waist upwards, the latter ranging 
 on the side of the physician ; but the commencement of the 
 battle prevented his demanding of his guide an explanation 
 of this phenomenon. The doctor retiring some paces back- 
 wards, threw himself into the attitude of a battering-ram, 
 and rushed upon his antagonist with great impetuosity, 
 foreseeing that, should he have the good fortune to overturn 
 him in the first assault, it would not be an easy task to raisj
 
 200 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 him up again, and put him in a capacity of offence. But 
 the momentum of Crabclaw's head, and the concomitant 
 efforts of his knuckles, had no effect upon the ribs of Tapley, 
 who stood firm as the Acroceraunian promontory ; and 
 stepping forward with his projected fist, something smaller 
 and softer than a sledge-hammer, struck the phyiscian to 
 the ground. 
 
 In a trice, however, by the assistance of his female second, 
 he was on his legs again, and, grappling with his antagonist, 
 endeavoured to tip him a fall, but instead of accomplishing 
 his purpose, he received a cross-buttock, and the brewer 
 throwing himself upon him as he fell, had well-nigh smothered 
 him on the spot. The amazon flew to his assistance, and 
 Tapley showing no inclination to get up, she smote him on 
 the temple till he roared. The male second hastening to 
 the relief of his principal, made application to the eyes of 
 the female, which were immediately surrounded with black 
 circles, and she returned the salute with a blow which brought 
 a double stream of blood from his nostrils, greeting him at 
 the same time with the opprobrious appellation of a lousy 
 son of a b — h. A combat more furious than the first would 
 now have ensued, had not Felton interposed with an air of 
 authority, and insisted on the man's leaving the field, an 
 injunction which he forthwith obeyed, saying, " Well, 
 damme, Felton, you're my friend and commander ; I'll 
 obey your order — but the b — h will be foul of me before 
 we sleep." Then Felton advancing to his opponent, 
 " Madam," said he, " I'm very sorry to see a lady of your 
 rank and qualifications expose yourself in this manner. For 
 God's sake behave with a little more decorum, if not for the 
 sake of your own family, at least for the credit of your sex in 
 general." — " Hark ye, Felton," said she, " decorum is 
 founded upon a delicacy of sentiment and deportment 
 which cannot consist with the disgraces of a jail and the 
 miseries of indigence. But I see the dispute is now ter- 
 minat d, and the money is to be drunk ; if you'll dine with 
 us you shall be welcome ; if not, you may die in your sobriety 
 and be d — ned."
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 201 
 
 By this time the doctor had given out, and allowed the 
 brewer to be the better man ; yet he would not honour the 
 festival with his presence, but retired to his chamber, ex- 
 ceedingly mortified at his defeat. Our hero was reconducted 
 to Mr. Felton's apartment, where he sat some time without 
 opening his mouth, so astonished he was at what he had seen 
 and heard. " I perceive, sir," said the prisoner, " you are 
 surprised at the manner in which I accosted that unhappy 
 woman, and perhaps you will be more surprised when you 
 hear that within these eighteen months she was actually a 
 person of fashion, and her opponent, who, by the bye, is her 
 husband, universally respected as a man of honour and a 
 brave officer." — " I am, indeed," cried our hero, " over- 
 whelmed with amazement and concern, as well as stimulated 
 by an eager curiosity to know the fatal causes which have 
 produced such a reverse of character and fortune. But I 
 will rein my curiosity till the afternoon, if you will favour 
 me with your company at a tavern in the neighbourhood, 
 where I have bespoken dinner, a favour which I hope Mr. 
 Norton will have no objection to your granting, as he himself 
 is to be of the party." The prisoner thanked him for his 
 kind invitation, and they adjourned immediately to the 
 place, taking up the deputy-marshal in their passage through 
 the lodge or entrance of the prison. 
 
 CHAPTER XXI 
 
 Containing further Anecdotes relating to the Children of 
 Wretchedness. 
 
 Dinner being cheerfully discussed, and our adventurer ex- 
 pressing an eager desire to know the history of the male and 
 female who had acted as squires or seconds to the champions 
 of the King's Bench, Felton gratified his curiosity to this 
 effect : 
 
 " All that I know of Captain Clewline, previous to his 
 commitment, is, that he was a commander of a sloop of war, 
 and bore the reputation of a gallant officer ; that he married
 
 202 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 the daughter of a rich merchant in the city of London, 
 against the inclination and without the knowledge of her 
 father, who renounced her for this act of disobedience ; that 
 the captain consoled himself for the rigour of the parent 
 with the possession of the lady, who was not only remarkably 
 beautiful in person, but highly accomplished in her mind, 
 and amiable in her disposition. Such, a few months ago, 
 were those two persons whom you saw acting in such a 
 vulgar capacity. When they first entered the prison they 
 were undoubtedly the handsomest couple mine eyes ever 
 beheld, and their appearance won universal respect even 
 from the most brutal inhabitants of the jail. 
 
 " The captain, having unwarily involved himself as a 
 security for a man to whom he had lain under obligations, 
 became liable for a considerable sum, and his own father- 
 in-law being the sole creditor of the bankrupt, took this 
 opportunity of wreaking vengeance upon him for having 
 espoused his daughter. He watched an opportunity until 
 the captain had actually stepped into the post-chaise with 
 his lady for Portsmouth, where his ship lay, and caused him 
 to be arrested in the most public and shameful manner. 
 Mrs. Clewline had like to have sunk under the first transports 
 of her grief and mortification ; but these subsiding, she had 
 recourse to personal solicitation. She went with her only 
 child in her arms, a lovely boy, to her father's door, and, 
 being denied admittance, kneeled down in the street, im- 
 ploring his compassion in the most pathetic strain ; but this 
 hard-hearted citizen, instead of recognising his child, and 
 taking the poor mourner to his bosom, insulted her from the 
 window with the most bitter reproach, saying, among other 
 shocking expressions, ' Strumpet, take yourself away with 
 your brat, otherwise I shall send for the beadle, and have you 
 to Bridewell.' 
 
 " The unfortunate lady was cut to the heart by this usage, 
 and fainted in the street, from whence she was conveyed to 
 a public-house by the charity of some passengers. She after- 
 wards attempted to soften the barbarity of her father by 
 repeated letters, and by interesting some of his friends to
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 203 
 
 intercede with him in her behalf ; but all her endeavours 
 proving ineffectual, she accompanied her husband to the 
 prison of the King's Bench, where she must have felt, in the 
 severest manner, the fatal reverse of circumstance to which 
 she was exposed. 
 
 " The captain being disabled from going to sea was 
 superseded, and he saw all his hopes blasted in the midst 
 of an active war, at a time when he had the fairest prospects 
 of fame and fortune. He saw himself reduced to extreme 
 poverty, cooped up with the tender partner of his heart in 
 a wretched hovel, amidst the refuse of mankind, and on 
 the brink of wanting the common necessaries of life. The 
 mind of man is ever ingenious in finding resources. He 
 comforted his lady with vain hopes of having friends who 
 would effect his deliverance, and repeated assurances of this 
 kind so long, that he at length began to think they were not 
 altogether void of foundation. 
 
 " Mrs. Clewline, from a principle of duty, recollected all 
 her fortitude, that she might not only bear her fate with 
 patience, but even contribute to alleviate the woes of her 
 husband, whom her affection had ruined. She affected to 
 believe the suggestions of his pretended hope ; she inter- 
 changed with him assurances of better fortune ; her appear- 
 ance exhibited a calm, while her heart was torn with anguish. 
 She assisted him in writing letters to former friends, the last 
 consolation of the wretched prisoner ; she delivered these 
 letters with her own hand, and underwent a thousand 
 mortifying repulses, the most shocking circumstances of 
 which she concealed from her husband. She performed all 
 the menial offices in her own little family, which was main- 
 tained by pawning her apparel ; and both the husband and 
 wife, in some measure, sweetened their cares by prattling 
 and toying with their charming little boy, on whom they 
 doted with an enthusiasm of fondness. Yet even this 
 pleasure was mingled with the most tender and melancholy 
 regret. I have seen the mother hang over him, with the 
 most affecting expression of this kind in her aspect, the tears 
 contending with the smiles upon her countenance, while she
 
 204 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 exclaimed, ' Alas ! my poor prisoner, little did your mother 
 once think she should be obliged to nurse you in a jail.' 
 The captain's paternal love was dashed with impatience ; 
 he would snatch up the boy in a transport of grief, press 
 him to his breast, devour him as it were with kisses, throw 
 up his eyes to heaven in the most emphatic silence, then 
 convey the child hastily to his mother's arms, pull his hat 
 over his eyes, stalk out into the common walk, and, finding 
 himself alone, break out into tears and lamentation. 
 
 " Ah ! little did this unhappy couple know what further 
 griefs awaited them ! The smallpox broke out in the prison, 
 and poor Tommy Clewline was infected. As the eruption 
 appeared unfavourable, you may conceive the consternation 
 with which they were overwhelmed. Their distress was 
 rendered inconceivable by indigence ; for by this time they 
 were so destitute, that they could neither pay for common 
 attendance, nor procure proper advice. I did on that 
 occasion what I thought my duty towards my fellow- 
 creatures. I wrote to a physician of my acquaintance, 
 who was humane enough to visit the poor little patient ; 
 I engaged a careful woman-prisoner as a nurse, and Mr. 
 Norton supplied them with money and necessaries. These 
 helps were barely sufficient to preserve them from the 
 horrors of despair, when they saw their little darling panting 
 under the rage of a loathsome pestilential malady, during 
 the excessive heat of the dog-days, and struggling for breath 
 in the noxious atmosphere of a confined cabin, where they 
 scarce had room to turn on the most necessary occasions. 
 The eager curiosity with which the mother eyed the doctor's 
 looks as often as he visited the boy, the terror and trepidation 
 of the father, while he desired to know his opinion ; in a 
 word, the whole tenor of their distress baffled all description. 
 " At length the physician, for the sake of his own character, 
 was obliged to be explicit ; and, returning with the captain 
 to the common walk, told him, in my hearing, that the 
 child could not possibly recover. This sentence seemed to 
 have petrified the unfortunate parent, who stood motion- 
 less, and seemingly bereft of sense. I led him to my apart-
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 205 
 
 ment, where he sat a full hour in that state of stupefaction ; 
 then he began to groan hideously, a shower of tears burst 
 from his eyes, he threw himself on the floor, and uttered 
 the most piteous lamentation that ever was heard. Mean- 
 while, Mrs. Norton being made acquainted with the doctor's 
 prognostic, visited Mrs. Clewline, and invited her to the 
 lodge. Her prophetic fears immediately took the alarm. 
 ' What ! ' cried she, starting up with a frantic wildness 
 in her looks, ' then our case is desperate — I shall lose my dear 
 Tommy ! — the poor prisoner will be released by the hand of 
 Heaven ! — Death will convey him to the cold grave ! ' The 
 dying innocent hearing this exclamation, pronounced these 
 words, ' Tommy won't leave you, my dear mamma ; if 
 death comes to take Tommy, papa shall drive him away with 
 his sword." This address deprived the wretched mother 
 of all resignation to the will of Providence. She tore her 
 hair, dashed herself on the pavement, shrieked aloud, and 
 was carried off in a deplorable state of distraction. 
 
 " That same evening the lovely babe expired, and the 
 father grew frantic. He made an attempt on his own life ; 
 and, being with difficulty restrained, his agitation sank into 
 a kind of sullen insensibility, which seemed to absorb all 
 sentiment, and gradually vulgarised his faculty of thinking. 
 In order to dissipate the violence of his sorrow, he continually 
 shifted the scene from one company to another, contracted 
 abundance of low connections, and drowned his cares in 
 repeated intoxication. The unhappy lady underwent a 
 long series of hysterical fits and other complaints, which 
 seemed to have a fatal effect on her brain as well as con- 
 stitution. Cordials were administered to keep up her spirits ; 
 and she found it necessary to protract the use of them to 
 blunt the edge of grief, by overwhelming reflection, and 
 remove the sense of uneasiness arising from a disorder in her 
 stomach. In a word, she became an habitual dram-drinker ; 
 and this practice exposed her to such communication as 
 debauched her reason, and perverted her sense of decorum 
 and propriety. She and her husband gave a loose to vulgar 
 excess, in which they were enabled to indulge by the charity
 
 206 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 and interest of some friends, who obtained half-pay for the 
 captain. 
 
 " They are now metamorphosed into the shocking creatures 
 you have seen ; he into a riotous plebeian, and she into a 
 ragged trull. They are both drunk every day, quarrel and 
 fight one with another, and often insult their fellow-prisoners. 
 Yet they are not wholly abandoned by virtue and humanity. 
 The captain is scrupulously honest in all his dealings, and 
 pays off his debts punctually every quarter, as soon as he 
 receives his half-pay. Every prisoner in distress is welcome 
 to share his money while it lasts ; and his wife never fails, 
 while it is in her power, to relieve the wretched ; so that 
 their generosity, even in this miserable disguise, is universally 
 respected by their neighbours. Sometimes the recollection 
 of their former rank comes over them like a qualm, which 
 they dispel with brandy, and then humorously rally one 
 another on their mutual degeneracy. She often stops me 
 in the walk, and, pointing to the captain, says, ' My husband, 
 though he is become a blackguard jail-bird, must be allowed 
 to be a handsome fellow still.' — On the other hand, he will 
 frequently desire me to take notice of his rib, as she chances 
 to pass. — ' Mind that draggle-tailed drunken drab,' he will 
 say ; ' what an antidote it is — yet, for all that, Felton, she 
 was a fine woman when I married her. Poor Bess, I have been 
 the ruin of her, that is certain, and deserve to be d — ned 
 for bringing her to this pass.' 
 
 " Thus they accommodate themselves to each other's 
 infirmities, and pass their time not without some taste of 
 plebeian enjoyment — but, name their child, they never fail 
 to burst into tears, and still feel a return of the most poignant 
 sorrow." 
 
 Sir Launcelot Greaves did not hear this story unmoved. 
 Tom Clarke's cheeks were bedewed with the drops of sym- 
 pathy, while, with much sobbing, he declared his opinion, 
 that an action should lie against the lady's father. 
 
 Captain Crowe having listened to the story with un- 
 common attention, expressed his concern that an honest 
 seaman should be so taken in stays ; but he imputed all
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 207 
 
 his calamities to the wife. " For why ? " said he ; "a 
 seafaring man may have a sweetheart in every port ; but 
 he should steer clear of a wife, as he would avoid a quicksand. 
 — You see, brother, how this here Clewline lags astern in 
 the wake of a snivelling b — h ; otherwise he would never 
 make a weft in his ensign for the loss of a child — odds heart ! 
 he could have done no more if he had sprung a top-mast, 
 or started a timber." 
 
 The knight declaring that he would take another view 
 of the prison in the afternoon, Mr. Felton insisted upon 
 his doing him the honour to drink a dish of tea in his apart- 
 ment, and Sir Launcelot accepted his invitation. Thither 
 they accordingly repaired, after having made another circuit 
 of the jail, and the tea-things were produced by Mrs. 
 Felton, when she was summoned to the door, and in a few 
 minutes returning, communicated something in a whisper 
 to her husband. He changed colour and repaired to the 
 staircase, where he was heard to talk aloud in an angry 
 tone. 
 
 When he came back, he told the company he had been 
 teased by a very importunate beggar. Addressing himself 
 to our adventurer, " You took notice," says he, " of a fine 
 lady flaunting about our walk in all the frippery of the 
 fashion. She was lately a gay young widow that made a 
 great figure at the court-end of the town ; she distinguished 
 herself by her splendid equipage, her rich liveries, her 
 brilliant assemblies, her numerous routs, and her elegant 
 taste in dress and furniture. She is nearly related to some 
 of the best families in England, and, it must be owned, 
 mistress of many fine accomplishments. But being deficient 
 in true delicacy, she endeavoured to hide that defect by 
 affectation. She pretended to a thousand antipathies which 
 did not belong to her nature. A breast of veal threw her 
 into mortal agonies ; if she saw a spider, she screamed ; 
 and at sight of a mouse she fainted away. She could not, 
 without horror, behold an entire joint of meat, and nothing 
 but fricassees and other made dishes were seen upon her 
 table. She caused all her floors to be lined with green
 
 208 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 baize, that she might trip along them with more ease and 
 pleasure. Her footmen wore clogs, which were deposited 
 in the hall, and both they and her chairmen were laid under 
 the strongest injunctions to avoid porter and tobacco. Her 
 jointure amounted to eight hundred pounds per annum, 
 and she made shift to spend four times that sum. At length 
 it was mortgaged for nearly the entire value ; but, far from 
 retrenching, she seemed to increase in extravagance, until 
 her effects were taken in execution, and her person here 
 deposited in safe custody. 
 
 " When one considers the abrupt transition she underwent 
 from her spacious apartments to a hovel scarce eight feet 
 square, from sumptuous furniture to bare benches, from 
 magnificence to meanness, from affluence to extreme poverty, 
 one would imagine she must have been totally overwhelmed 
 by such a sudden gush of misery. But this was not the 
 case. She has, in fact, no delicate feelings. She forthwith 
 accommodated herself to the exigency of her fortune ; yet 
 she still affects to keep state amidst the miseries of a jail, 
 and this affectation is truly ridiculous. She lies a-bed till 
 two o'clock in the afternoon. She maintains a female 
 attendant for the sole purpose of dressing her person. Her 
 cabin is the least cleanly in the whole prison ; she has learned 
 to eat bread and cheese and drink porter, but she always 
 appears once a day dressed in the pink of the fashion. She 
 has found means to run in debt at the chandler's shop, the 
 baker's, and the tap-house, though there is nothing got in 
 this place but with ready money. She has even borrowed 
 small sums from divers prisoners, who were themselves on 
 the brink of starving. She takes pleasure in being surrounded 
 with duns, observing, that by such people a person of fashion 
 is to be distinguished. She writes circular letters to her 
 former friends and acquaintance, and by this method has 
 raised pretty considerable contributions ; for she writes in 
 a most elegant and irresistible style. About a fortnight ago 
 she received a supply of twenty guineas ; when, instead of 
 paying her little jail-debts, or withdrawing any part of her 
 apparel from pawn, she laid out the whole sum in a fashion-
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 209 
 
 able suit and laces, and next day borrowed of me a shilling 
 to purchase a neck of mutton for her dinner. She seems to 
 think her rank in life entitles her to this kind of assistance. 
 She talks very pompously of her family and connections, 
 by whom however she has been long renounced. She has 
 no sympathy nor compassion for the distresses of her fellow- 
 creatures, but she is perfectly well-bred ; she bears a repulse 
 the best of any woman I ever knew, and her temper has never 
 been once ruffled since her arrival at the King's Bench. 
 She now entreated me to lend her half a guinea, for which 
 she said she had the most pressing occasion, and promised 
 upon her honour it should be repaid to-morrow ; but I lent 
 a deaf ear to her request, and told her in plain terms that her 
 honour was already bankrupt." 
 
 Sir Launcelot, thrusting his hand mechanically into his 
 pocket, pulled out a couple of guineas, and desired Felton 
 to accommodate her with that trifle in his own name ; but 
 he declined the proposal, and refused to touch the money. 
 " God forbid," said he, " that I should attempt to thwart 
 your charitable intention ; but this, my good sir, is no object 
 — she has many resources. Neither should we number the 
 clamorous beggar among those who really feel distress ; he 
 is generally gorged with bounty misapplied. The liberal 
 hand of charity should be extended to modest want that 
 pines in silence, encountering cold, nakedness, and hunger, 
 and every species of distress. Here you may find the wretch 
 of keen sensations blasted by accident in the blossom of his 
 fortune, shivering in the solitary recess of indigence, dis- 
 daining to beg, and even ashamed to let his misery be known 
 Here you may see the parent who has known happier times, 
 surrounded by his tender offspring, naked and forlorn, 
 demanding food, which his circumstances cannot afford 
 
 That man of decent appearance and melancholy aspect, 
 who lifted his hat as you passed him in the yard, is a person 
 of unblemished character. He was a reputable tradesman 
 in the city, and failed through inevitable losses. A com- 
 mission of bankruptcy was taken out against him by his sole 
 creditor, a Quaker, who refused to sign his certificate. He
 
 210 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 has lived three years in prison, with a wife and five small 
 children. In a little time after his commitment, he had 
 friends who offered to pay ten shillings in the pound of what 
 he owed, and to give security for paying the remainder in 
 three years by instalments. The honest Quaker did not 
 charge the bankrupt with any dishonest practices, but he 
 rejected the proposal with the most mortifying indifference, 
 declaring that he did not want his money. The mother 
 repaired to his house, and, kneeling before him with her five 
 lovely children, implored mercy with tears and exclamations. 
 He stood this scene unmoved, and even seemed to enjoy the 
 prospect, wearing the looks of complacency, while his heart 
 was steeled with rancour. ' Woman,' said he, ' these be 
 hopeful babes, if they were duly nurtured. Go thy ways in 
 peace ; I have taken my resolution.' Her friends main- 
 tained the family for some time, but it is not in human 
 charity to persevere ; some of them died, some of them 
 grew unfortunate, some of them fell off, and now the poor 
 man is reduced to the extremity of indigence, from whence 
 he has no prospect of being retrieved. The fourth part of 
 what you would have bestowed upon the lady would make 
 this poor man and his family sing with joy," 
 
 He had scarce pronounced these words, when our hero 
 desired the man might be called, and in a few minutes he 
 entered the apartment with a low obeisance. " Mr. Coleby," 
 said the knight, " I have heard how cruelly you have been 
 used by your creditor, and beg you will accept this trifling 
 present, if it can be of any service to you in your distress," 
 So saying, he put five guineas into his hand. The poor man 
 was so confounded at such an unlooked-for acquisition, that 
 he stood motionless and silent, unable to thank the donor, 
 and Mr. Felton conveyed him to the door, observing that 
 his heart was too full for utterance. But in a little time his 
 wife, bursting into the room with her five children, looked 
 around, and going up to Sir Launcelot without any direction, 
 exclaimed, " This is the angel sent by Providence to succour 
 me and my poor innocents." Then falling at his feet, she 
 pressed his hand and bathed it with her tears. He raised
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 211 
 
 her up with, that complacency which was natural to his 
 disposition. He kissed all her children, who were remarkably 
 handsome and neatly kept, though in homely apparel ; and, 
 giving her his direction, assured her she might always apply 
 to him in her distress. 
 
 After her departure he produced a bank-note of twenty 
 pounds, and would have deposited it in the hands of Mr. 
 Felton, to be distributed in charities among the objects of 
 the place ; but he desired it might be left with Mr. Norton, 
 who was the proper person for managing his benevolence, 
 and he promised to assist the deputy with his advice in 
 laying it out. 
 
 CHAPTER XXII 
 
 In which Captain Crowe is sublimed into the Regions of 
 
 Astrology. 
 
 Three whole days had our adventurer prosecuted his inquiry 
 about the amiable Aurelia, whom he sought in every place 
 of public and of private entertainment or resort, without 
 obtaining the least satisfactory intelligence, when he received 
 one evening, from the hands of a porter, who instantly 
 vanished, the following billet : 
 
 " If you would learn the particulars of Miss Darnel's fate, 
 fail not to be in the fields by the Foundling Hospital, pre- 
 cisely at seven o'clock this evening, when you shall be met 
 by a person who will give you the satisfaction you desire, 
 together with his reason for addressing you in this mysterious 
 manner." 
 
 Had this intimation concerned any other subject, perhaps 
 the knight would have deliberated with himself in what 
 manner he should take a hint so darkly communicated. But 
 his eagerness to retrieve the jewel he had lost divested him 
 of all his caution ; the time of assignation was already at 
 hand, and neither the captain nor his nephew could be found 
 to accompany him, had he been disposed to make use of 
 their attendance. He therefore, after a moment's hesitation,
 
 212 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 repaired to the place appointed, in. the utmost agitation and 
 anxiety, lest the hour should be elapsed before his arrival. 
 
 Crowe was one of those defective spirits who cannot 
 subsist for any length of time on their own bottoms. He 
 wanted a familiar prop, upon which he could disburden his 
 cares, his doubts, and his humours ; a humble friend who 
 would endure his caprices, and with whom he could com- 
 municate, free of all reserve and restraint. Though he loved 
 his nephew's person, and admired his parts, he considered 
 him often as a little petulant jackanapes, who presumed 
 upon his superior understanding ; and as for Sir Launcelot, 
 there was something in his character that overawed the sea- 
 man, and kept him at a disagreeable distance. He had, in 
 this dilemma, cast his eyes upon Timothy Crabshaw, and 
 admitted him to a considerable share of familiarity and 
 fellowship. These companions had been employed in 
 smoking a social pipe at an alehouse in the neighbourhood, 
 when the knight made his excursion ; and returning to the 
 house about supper-time, found Mr. Clarke in waiting. 
 
 The young lawyer was alarmed when he heard the hour 
 of ten without seeing our adventurer, who had been used 
 to be extremely regular in his economy, and the captain 
 and he supped in profound silence. Finding, upon inquiry 
 among the servants, that the knight went out abruptly, in 
 consequence of having received a billet, Tom began to be 
 visited with the apprehension of a duel, and sat the best part 
 of the night by his uncle, sweating with the expectation of 
 seeing our hero brought home a breathless corpse. But no 
 tidings of him arriving, he, about two in the morning, re- 
 paired to his own lodging, resolved to publish a description 
 of Sir Launcelot in the newspapers if he should not appear 
 next day. 
 
 Crowe did not pass the time without uneasiness. He was 
 extremely concerned at the thought of some mischief having 
 befallen his friend and patron, and he was terrified with the 
 apprehensions that, in case Sir Launcelot was murdered, his 
 spirit might come and give him notice of his fate. Now he 
 had an insuperable aversion to all correspondence with the 

 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 213 
 
 dead, and taking it for granted that the spirit of his departed 
 friend could not appear to him except when he should be 
 alone, and a-bed in the dark, he determined to pass the 
 remainder of the night without going to bed. For this 
 purpose, his first care was to visit the garret, in which Tim- 
 othy Crabshaw lay fast asleep, snoring with his mouth wide 
 open. Him the captain with difficulty roused, by dint of 
 promising to regale him with a bowl of rum punch in the 
 kitchen, where the fire, which had been extinguished, was 
 soon rekindled. The ingredients were fetched from a 
 public-house in the neighbourhood, for the captain was too 
 proud to use his interest in the knight's family, especially at 
 these hours, when all the rest of the servants had retired to 
 their repose, and he and Timothy drank together until 
 daybreak, the conversation turning upon hobgoblins, and 
 God's revenge against murder. 
 
 The cookmaid lay in a little apartment contiguous to the 
 kitchen, and whether disturbed by these horrible tales of 
 apparitions, or titillated by the savoury steams that issued 
 from the punch-bowl, she made a virtue of necessity, or 
 appetite, and dressing herself in the dark, suddenly appeared 
 before them, to the no small perturbation of both. Timothy, 
 in particular, was so startled that, in his endeavours to make 
 a hasty retreat towards the chimney-corner, he overturned 
 the table ; the liquor was spilt, but the bowl was saved by 
 falling on a heap of ashes. Mrs. Cook having reprimanded 
 him for his foolish fear, declared she had got up betimes in 
 order to scour her saucepans, and the captain proposed to 
 have the bowl replenished if materials could be procured. 
 This difficulty was overcome by Crabshaw, and they sat down 
 with their new associate to discuss the second edition. 
 
 The knight's sudden disappearing being brought upon 
 the carpet, their female companion gave it as her opinion 
 that nothing would be so likely to bring this affair to light 
 as going to a cunning man, whom she had lately consulted 
 about a silver spoon that was mislaid, and who told her all 
 the things that she ever did, and ever would happen to her 
 through the whole course of her life.
 
 2i 4 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 Her two companions pricked up their ears at this intelli- 
 gence, and Crowe asked if the spoon had been found. She 
 answered in the affirmative, and said the cunning man 
 described to a hair the person that should be her true lover 
 and her wedded husband ; that he was a seafaring man ; that 
 he was pretty well stricken in years — a little passionate or so ; 
 and that he went with his fingers clinched like, as it were. 
 The captain began to sweat at this description, and mechani- 
 cally thrust his hands into his pockets, while Crabshaw, 
 pointing to him, told her he believed she had got the right 
 sow by the ear. Crowe grumbled, that mayhap for all that 
 he should not be brought up by such a grappling neither. 
 Then he asked if this cunning man dealt with the devil, 
 declaring, in that case, he would keep clear of him ; for why r 
 because he must have sold himself to Old Scratch, and being 
 a servant of the devil, how could he be a good subject to his 
 majesty ? Mrs. Cook assured him the conjurer was a good 
 Christian, and that he gained all his knowledge by conversing 
 with the stars and planets. Thus satisfied, the two friends 
 resolved to consult him as soon as it should be light, and 
 being directed to the place of his habitation, set out for it 
 by seven in the morning. 
 
 They found the house forsaken, and had already reached 
 the end of the lane in their return, when they were accosted 
 by an old woman, who gave them to understand that if they 
 hud occasion for the advice of a fortune-teller, as she did 
 suppose they had, from their stopping at the house where 
 Dr. Grubble lived, she would conduct them to a person of 
 much more eminence in that profession ; at the same time 
 she informed them that the said Grubble had been lately 
 sent to Bridewell, a circumstance which, with all his art, he 
 had not been able to foresee. The captain, without any 
 scruple, put himself and his companion under convoy of 
 this beldam, who, through many winding sand turnings, 
 brought them to the door of a ruinous house, standing in 
 a blind alley ; which door having opened with a key drawn 
 from her pocket, she introduced them into a parlour, where 
 they saw no other furniture than a naked bench, and some
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 215 
 
 frightful figures on the bare walls, drawn or rather scrawled 
 with charcoal. 
 
 Here she left them locked in, until she should give the 
 doctor notice of their arrival, and they amused themselves 
 with deciphering these characters and hieroglyphics. The 
 first figure that engaged their attention was that of a man 
 hanging upon a gibbet, which both considered as an un- 
 favourable omen, and each endeavoured to avert from his 
 own person. Crabshaw observed that the figure so sus- 
 pended was clothed in a sailor's jacket and trousers — a truth 
 which the captain could not deny ; but, on the other hand, 
 he affirmed that the said figure exhibited the very nose and 
 chin of Timothy, together with the hump on one shoulder. 
 A warm dispute ensued, and being maintained with much 
 acrimonious altercation, might have dissolved the new- 
 cemented friendship of those two originals, had it not been 
 interrupted by the old sibyl, who, coming into the parlour, 
 intimated that the doctor waited for them above. She 
 likewise told them that he never admitted more than one 
 at a time. This hint occasioned a fresh contest. The 
 captain insisted upon Crabshaw's making sail a-head, in 
 order to look out afore ; but Timothy persisted in refusing 
 this honour, declaring he did not pretend to lead, but he 
 would follow, as in duty bound. The old gentlewoman 
 abridged the ceremony by leading out Crabshaw with one 
 hand and locking up Crowe with the other. 
 
 The former was dragged upstairs like a bear to the stake, 
 not without reluctance and terror, which did not at all abate 
 at sight of the conjurer, with whom he was immediately 
 shut up by his conductress, after she had told him in a 
 whisper that he must deposit a shilling in a little black coffin, 
 supported by a human skull and thigh-bones crossed, on a 
 stool covered with black baize, that stood in one corner of 
 the apartment. The squire, having made this offer with 
 fear and trembling, ventured to survey the objects around 
 him, which were very well calculated to augment his con- 
 fusion. He saw divers skeletons hung by the head, the stuffed 
 skin of a young alligator, a calf with two heads, and several
 
 216 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 snakes suspended from the ceiling, with the jaws of a shark, 
 and a starved weasel. On another funeral table he beheld 
 two spheres, between which lav a book open, exhibiting 
 outlandish characters and mathematical diagrams. On one 
 side stood an ink-standish with paper, and behind this desk 
 appeared the conjurer himself, in sable vestments, his head 
 so overshadowed with hair that, far from contemplating his 
 features, Timothy could distinguish nothing but a long 
 white beard, which, for aught he knew, might have belonged 
 to a four-legged goat, as well as to a two-legged astrologer. 
 This apparition, which the squire did not eye without 
 manifest discomposure, extending a white wand, made 
 certain evolutions over the head of Timothy, and having 
 muttered an ejaculation, commanded him, in a hollow tone, 
 to come forward and declare his name. Crabshaw, thus 
 adjured, advanced to the altar, and, whether from design 
 or (which is more probable) from confusion, answered, 
 " Samuel Crowe." The conjurer, taking up the pen, and 
 making a few scratches on the paper, exclaimed in a terrific 
 accent, " How ! miscreant ! attempt to impose upon the 
 stars ? You look more like a crab than a crow, and was born 
 under the sign of Cancer." The squire, almost annihilated 
 by this exclamation, fell upon his knees, crying, " I pray 
 yaw, my lord conjurer's worship, pardon my ignorance, and 
 down't go to baind me over to the Red Sea like — I'se a poor 
 Yorkshire tyke, and would no more cheat the stars than I'd 
 cheat my own vather, as the saying is — a must be a good 
 hand at trapping, that catches the stars a napping — but as 
 your honour's worship observed, my name is Tim Crabshaw, 
 of the East Raiding, groom and squair to Sir Launcelot 
 Greaves, baron, knaight, and arrant-knaight, who ran mad 
 for a wench, as your worship's conjuration well knoweth. 
 The person below is Captain Crowe, and we coom by Margery 
 Cook's recommendation, to seek after my master, who is 
 gone away, or made away, the Lord He knows how and 
 where." 
 
 Here he was interrupted by the conjurer, who exhorted 
 him to sit down and compose himself till he should cast a
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 217 
 
 figure ; then he scrawled the paper, and waving his wand, 
 repeated abundance of gibberish concerning the number, 
 the names, the houses, and revolutions of the planets, with 
 their conjunctions, oppositions, signs, circles, cycles, trines, 
 and trigons. When he perceived that this artifice had its 
 proper effect in disturbing the brain of Crabshaw, he pro- 
 ceeded to tell him from the stars, that his name was Crab- 
 shaw, or Crabsclaw ; that he was born in the East Riding 
 of Yorkshire, of poor, yet honest parents, and had some 
 skill in horses ; and that he served a gentleman whose name 
 began with the letter G — , which gentleman had run mad 
 for love, and left his family ; but whether he would return 
 alive or dead, the stars had not yet determined. 
 
 Poor Timothy was thunderstruck to find the conjurer 
 acquainted with all these circumstances, and begged to 
 know if he might be so bauld as to ax a question or two about 
 his own fortune. The astrologer pointing to the little 
 coffin, our squire understood the hint, and deposited another 
 shilling. The sage had recourse to his book, erected another 
 scheme, performed once more his airy evolutions with the 
 wand, and having recited another mystical preamble, ex- 
 pounded the book of fate in these words : " You shall neither 
 die by war nor water, by hunger or by thirst, nor be brought 
 to the grave by old age or distemper ; but, let me see — ay, 
 the stars will have it so — you shall be — exalted — hah ! — ay, 
 that is — hanged for horse-stealing." — " Oh, good my lord 
 conjurer ! " roared the squire, " I'd as lief give forty shillings 
 as be hanged." — " Peace, sirrah ! " cried the other ; " would 
 you contradict or reverse the immutable decrees of fate ? 
 Hanging is your destiny, and hanged you shall be — and com- 
 fort yourself with the reflection, that as you are not the first, 
 so neither will you be the last to swing on Tyburn tree." 
 This comfortable assurance composed the mind of Timothy, 
 and in a great measure reconciled him to the prediction. 
 He now proceeded in a whining tone to ask whether he 
 should suffer for the first fact ; whether it would be for a 
 horse or a mare, and of what colour, that he might know 
 when his hour was come. The conjurer gravely answered,
 
 2i 8 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 that he would steal a dappled gelding on a Wednesday, 
 be cast at the Old Bailey on Thursday, and suffer on a 
 Friday ; and he strenuously recommended it to him to 
 appear in the cart with a nosegay in one hand, and The Whole 
 Duty of Man in the other. " But if in case it should be in 
 the winter," said the squire, " when a nosegay can't be had ? " 
 — " Why, then," replied the conjurer, " an orange will do 
 as well." 
 
 These material points being adjusted to the entire satisfac- 
 tion of Timothy, he declared he would bestow another 
 shilling to know the fortune of an old companion, who truly 
 did not deserve so much at his hands, but he could not help 
 loving him better than e'er a friend he had in the world. 
 So saying, he dropped a third offering in the coffin, and 
 desired to know the fate of his horse Gilbert. The astrologer 
 having again consulted his art, pronounced that Gilbert 
 would die of the staggers, and his carcass be given to the 
 hounds ; a sentence which made a much deeper impression 
 upon Crabshaw's mind, than did the prediction of his own 
 untimely and disgraceful fate. He shed a plenteous shower 
 of tears, and his grief broke forth in some passionate expres- 
 sions of tenderness. At length he told the astrologer he 
 would go and send up the captain, who wanted to consult 
 him about Margery Cook, because as how she had informed 
 him that Dr. Grubble had described just such another man 
 as the captain for her true love ; and he had no great stomach 
 to the match, if so be as the stars were not bent upon their 
 coming together. 
 
 Accordingly the squire, being dismissed by the conjurer, 
 descended to the parlour with a rueful length of face, which 
 being perceived by the captain, he demanded, " What 
 cheer, ho ? " with some signs of apprehension. Crabshaw 
 making no return to this salute, he asked if the conjurer 
 had taken an observation, and told him anything. Then 
 the other replied, he had told him more than he desired to 
 know. " Why, an that be the case," said the seaman, " I 
 have no occasion to go aloft this trip, brother." 
 
 This evasion would not serve his turn. Old Tisiphone was
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 219 
 
 at hand, and led him up growling into the hall of audience, 
 which he did not examine without trepidation. Having been 
 directed to the coffin, where he presented half a crown, 
 in hope of rendering the fates more propitious, the usual 
 ceremony was performed, and the doctor addressed him 
 in these words : " Approach, Raven." The captain 
 advancing, " You an't much mistaken, brother," said he, 
 " heave your eye into the binnacle, and box your compass, 
 you'll find I'm a Crowe, not a Raven, thof indeed they be 
 both fowls of a feather, as the saying is." — " I know it," 
 cried the conjurer, " thou art a northern crow — a sea-crow ; 
 not a crow of prey, but a crow to be preyed upon — a crow 
 to be plucked — to be flayed — to be basted — to be broiled 
 by Margery upon the gridiron of matrimony." The novice 
 changing colour at this denunciation, " I do understand your 
 signals, brother," said he, " and if it be set down in the 
 log-book of fate that we must grapple, why then 'ware 
 timbers. But as I know how the land lies, d'ye see, and the 
 current of my inclination sets me off, I shall haul up close 
 to the wind, and mayhap we shall clear Cape Margery. 
 But howsomever, we shall leave that reef in the fore top-sail. 
 — I was bound upon another voyage, d'ye see — to look 
 and to see, and to know if so be as how I could pick up any 
 intelligence along shore concerning my friend Sir Launcelot, 
 who slipped his cable last night, and has lost company, 
 d'ye see." 
 
 ' What ! " exclaimed the cunning man ; " art thou 
 a crow, and canst not smell carrion ? If thou wouldst 
 grieve for Greaves, behold his naked carcass lies unburied, 
 to feed the kites, the crows, the gulls, the rooks, the ravens." 
 — " What ! broach'd to ? "— " Dead as a boil'd lobster."— 
 " Odd's heart, friend, these are the heaviest tidings I have 
 heard these seven long years — there must have been deadly 
 odds when he lowered his top-sails — smite my eyes ! I had 
 rather the Mufti had foundered at sea, with myself and 
 all my generation on board — well fare thy soul, flower of 
 the world ! had honest Sam Crowe been within hail — but 
 what signifies palavering ? " Here the tears of unaffected
 
 220 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 sorrow flowed plentifully down the furrows of the seaman's 
 cheeks ; then his grief giving way to his indignation, " Hark 
 ye, brother conjurer," said he, " you can spy foul weather 
 before it comes, d — n your eyes ! why did not you give us 
 warning of this here squall ? B — st my limbs ! I'll make 
 you give an account of this here d — ned, horrid, confounded, 
 murder, d'ye see — mayhap you yourself was concerned, 
 d'ye see. — For my own part, brother, I put my trust in 
 God, and steer by the compass, and I value not your paw- 
 wawing and your conjuration of a rope's end, d'ye see." 
 
 The conjurer was by no means pleased, either with the 
 matter or the manner of this address. He therefore began 
 to soothe the captain's choler. by representing that he did 
 not pretend to omniscience, which was the attribute of God 
 alone ; that human art was fallible and imperfect ; and all 
 that it could perform was to discover certain partial circum- 
 stances of any particular object to which its inquiries were 
 directed. That being questioned by the other man con- 
 cerning the cause of his master's disappearing, he had 
 exercised his skill upon the subject, and found reason to 
 believe that Sir Launcelot was assassinated ; that he should 
 think himself happy in being the instrument of bringing 
 the murderers to justice, though he foresaw they would of 
 themselves save him that trouble ; for they would quarrel 
 about dividing the spoil, and one would give information 
 against the other. 
 
 The prospect of this satisfaction appeased the resentment, 
 and, in some measure, mitigated the grief of Captain Crowe, 
 who took his leave without much ceremony ; and, being 
 joined by Crabshaw, proceeded with a heavy heart to the 
 house of Sir Launcelot, where they found the domestics at 
 breakfast, without exhibiting the least symptom of concern 
 for their absent master. Crowe had been wise enough to 
 conceal from Crabshaw what he had learned of the knight's 
 fate. This fatal intelligence he reserved for the ear of his 
 nephew, Mr. Clarke, who did not fail to attend him in the 
 forenoon. 
 
 As for the squire, he did nothing but ruminate in rueful
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 221 
 
 L 
 
 silence upon the dappled gelding, the nosegay, and the 
 predicted fate of Gilbert. Him he forthwith visited in 
 the stable, and saluted with the kiss of peace. Then he 
 bemoaned his fortune with tears, and by the sound of his 
 own lamentation was lulled asleep among the litter. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII 
 
 In which the Clouds that cover the Catastrophe begin to 
 
 disperse. 
 
 We must now leave Captain Crowe and his nephew Mr. 
 Clarke arguing with great vehemence about the fatal in- 
 telligence obtained from the conjurer, and penetrate at once 
 the veil that concealed our hero. Know then, reader, that 
 Sir Launcelot Greaves, repairing to the place described in 
 the billet which he had received, was accosted by a person 
 muffled in a cloak, who began to amuse him with a feigned 
 story of Aurelia, to which, while he listened with great atten- 
 tion, he found himself suddenly surrounded by armed men, 
 who seized and pinioned down his arms, took away his sword, 
 and conveyed him by force into a hackney-coach provided 
 for the purpose. In vain he expostulated on this violence 
 with three persons who accompanied him in the vehicle. 
 He could not extort one word by way of reply ; and, from 
 their gloomy aspects, he began to be apprehensive of assassina- 
 tion. Had the carriage passed through any frequented 
 place, he would have endeavoured to alarm the inhabitants, 
 but it was already clear of the town, and his conductors 
 took care to avoid all villages and inhabited houses. 
 
 After having travelled about two miles, the coach stopped 
 at a large iron gate, which being opened, our adventurer 
 was led in silence through a spacious house into a tolerably 
 decent apartment, which he understood was intended for 
 his bed-chamber. In a few minutes after his arrival he was 
 visited by a man of no very prepossessing appearance, who 
 endeavouring to smooth his countenance, which was naturally
 
 222 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 stern, welcomed our adventurer to his house ; exhorted him 
 to be of good cheer, assuring him he should want for nothing, 
 and desired to know what he would choose for supper. 
 
 Sir Launcelot, in answer to this civil address, begged 
 he would explain the nature of his confinement, and the 
 reasons for which his arms were tied like those of the worst 
 malefactor. The other postponed till to-morrow the ex- 
 planation he demanded, but in the meantime unbound his 
 fetters, and, as he declined eating, left him alone to his 
 repose. He took care, however, in retiring, to double lock 
 the door of the room, whose windows were grated on the 
 outside with iron. 
 
 The knight, being thus abandoned to his own meditations, 
 began to ruminate on the present adventure with equal 
 surprise and concern ; but the more he revolved circum- 
 stances, the more was he perplexed in his conjectures. 
 According to the state of the mind, a very subtle philosopher 
 is often puzzled by a very plain proposition ; and this was 
 the case of our adventurer. — What made the strongest 
 impression upon his mind was a notion that he was appre- 
 hended on suspicion of treasonable practices, by a warrant 
 from the Secretary of State, in consequence of some false 
 malicious information ; and that his prison was no other 
 than the house of a messenger, set apart for the accommoda- 
 tion of suspected persons. In this opinion he comforted 
 himself by recollecting his own conscious innocence, and 
 reflecting that he should be entitled to the privilege of 
 habeas corpus, as the act including that inestimable jewel 
 was happily not suspended at this time. 
 
 Consoled by this self-assurance, he quietly resigned himself 
 to slumber ; but before he fell asleep, he was very disagree- 
 ably undeceived in his conjecture. His ears were all at once 
 saluted with a noise from the next room, conveyed in 
 distinct bounces against the wainscot ; then a hoarse voice 
 exclaimed, " Bring up the artillery — let Brutandorf's 
 brigade advance — detach my black hussars to ravage the 
 country — let them be new booted — take particular care of 
 the spur-leathers — make a desert of Lusatia — bombard the
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 223 
 
 suburbs of Pera — go, tell my brother Henry to pass the 
 Elbe at Meissen with forty battalions and fifty squadrons — 
 so ho, you Major-General Donder, why don't you finish 
 your second parallel ? — send hither the engineer Shittenback 
 — I'll lay all the shoes in my shop, the breach will be practic- 
 able in four-and-twenty hours — don't tell me of your 
 works ; you and your works be d — n'd." 
 
 " Assuredly," cried another voice from a different quarter, 
 " he that thinks to be saved by works is in a state of utter 
 reprobation — I myself was a profane weaver, and trusted 
 to the rottenness of works — I kept my journeymen and 
 'prentices at constant work, and my heart was set upon the 
 riches of this world, which was a wicked work — but now 
 1 have got a glimpse of the new light — I feel the operations 
 of grace — I am of the new birth — I abhor good works — I 
 detest all working but the working of the Spirit — avaunt, 
 Satan — Oh ! how I thirst for communication with our 
 sister Jolly." 
 
 " The communication is already open with the Marche," 
 said the first, " but as for thee, thou caitiff, who hast pre- 
 sumed to disparage my works, I'll have thee rammed into a 
 mortar with a double charge of powder, and thrown into 
 the enemy's quarters." 
 
 This dialogue operated like a train upon many other 
 inhabitants of the place ; one swore he was within three 
 vibrations of finding the longitude, when this noise con- 
 founded his calculation ; a second, in broken English, com- 
 plained he vas distorped in the moment of de proshection ; 
 a third, in the character of His Holiness, denounced inter- 
 diction, excommunication, and anathemas ; and swore by 
 St. Peter's keys, they should howl ten thousand years in 
 purgatory, without the benefit of a single mass. A fourth 
 began to halloo in all the vociferation of a fox-hunter in 
 the chase, and in an instant the whole house was in an 
 uproar. 
 
 The clamour, however, was of a short duration. The 
 different chambers being opened successively, every individual 
 was effectually silenced by the sound of one cabalistical word,
 
 224 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 which was no other the n Waistcoat. A charm which at 
 
 once cowed the King of P , dispossessed the fanatic, 
 
 dumbfounded the mathematician, dismayed the alchemist, 
 deposed the Pope, and deprived the squire of all utterance. 
 
 Our adventurer was no longer in doubt concerning the 
 place to which he had been conveyed ; and the more he 
 reflected on his situation, the more he was overwhelmed 
 with the most perplexing chagrin. He could not conceive 
 by whose means he had been immured in a madhouse ; 
 but he heartily repented of his knight-errantry, as a frolic 
 which might have very serious consequences, with respect 
 to his future life and fortune. After mature deliberation, 
 he resolved to demean himself with the utmost circumspec- 
 tion, well knowing that eveiy violent transport would be 
 interpreted into an undeniable symptom of insanity. He 
 was not without hope of being able to move his jailer by a 
 due administration of that which is generally more efficacious 
 than all the flowers of elocution ; but when he rose in the 
 morning, he found his pockets had been carefully examined, 
 and emptied of all his papers and cash. 
 
 The keeper entering, he inquired about these particulars, 
 and was given to understand, that they were all safely de- 
 posited for his use, to be forthcoming at a proper season. 
 But, at present, as he should want nothing, he had no occasion 
 for money. The knight acquiesced in this declaration, and 
 ate his breakfast in quiet. 
 
 About eleven, he received a visit from the physician, 
 who contemplated his looks with great solemnity ; and having 
 examined his pulse, shook his head, saying, " Well, sir, how 
 d'ye do ? — come, don't be dejected — everything is for the 
 best — you are in very good hands, sir, I assure you ; and 
 I dare say will refuse nothing that may be thought conducive 
 to the recovery of your health." 
 
 " Doctor," said our hero, " if it is not an improper 
 question to ask, I should be glad to know your opinion of 
 my disorder." — " Oh ! sir, as to that," replied the physician, 
 " your disorder is a — kind of a — sir, 'tis very commoi in this 
 country — a sort of a " — " Do you think my distemper
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 225 
 
 is madness, doctor ? " — " Oh Lord, sir — not absolute 
 madness — no — not madness — you have heard, no doubt, 
 of what is called a weakness of the nerves, sir — though that 
 is a very inaccurate expression ; for this phrase, denoting a 
 morbid excess of sensation, seems to imply that sensation 
 itself is owing to the loose cohesion of those material particles 
 which constitute the nervous substance, inasmuch as the 
 quantity of every effect must be proportionable to its 
 cause ; now you'll please to take notice, sir, if the case were 
 really what these words seem to import, all bodies, whose 
 par'icles do not cohere with too great a degree of proximity, 
 would be nervous ; that is, endued with sensation. Sir, I 
 shall order some cooling things to keep you in due tempera- 
 ture ; and you'll do very well — sir, your humble servant." 
 
 So saying, he retired, and our adventurer could not but 
 think it was very hard that one man should not dare to ask 
 the most ordinary question without being reputed mad, 
 while another should talk nonsense by the hour, and yet be 
 esteemed as an oracle. 
 
 The master of the house finding Sir Launcelot so tame 
 and tractable, indulged him after dinner with a walk in a 
 little private garden, under the eye of a servant, who followed 
 him at a distance. Here he was saluted by a brother- 
 prisoner, a man seemingly turned of thirty, tall and thin, 
 with staring eyes, a hook-nose, and a face covered with 
 pimples. 
 
 The usual compliments having passed, the stranger, 
 without further ceremony, asked him if he would oblige 
 him with a chew of tobacco, or could spare him a mouthful 
 of any sort of cordial, declaring he had not tasted brandy 
 since he came to the house. The knight assured him it was 
 not in his power to comply with his request ; and began 
 to ask some questions relating to the character of their land- 
 lord, which the stranger represented in very unfavourable 
 colours. He described him as a ruffian, capable of under- 
 taking the darkest scenes of villainy. He said his house was 
 a repository of the most flagrant iniquities. That it con- 
 tained fath rs kidnapped by their children, wives confined 
 
 15
 
 226 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 by their husbands, gentlemen of fortune sequestered by their 
 relations, and innocent persons immured by the malice of 
 their adversaries. He affirmed this was his own case ; and 
 asked if our hero had never heard of Dick Distich, the poet 
 and satirist. " Ben Bullock and I," said he, " were confident 
 against the world in arms — did you never see his ode to me 
 beginning with ' Fair blooming youth ' ? We were sworn 
 brothers, admired and praised, and quoted each other, sir. 
 We denounced war against all the world, actors, authors, 
 and critics ; and having drawn the sword, threw away the 
 scabbard — we pushed through thick and thin, hacked and 
 hewed helter skelter, and became as formidable to the 
 writers of the age as the Boeotian band of Thebes. My 
 friend Bullock, indeed, was once rolled in the kennel ; but 
 soon 
 
 He vig'rous rose, and from th' effluvia strong 
 Imbib'd new life, and scour'd and stunk along. 
 
 Here is a satire, which I wrote in an alehouse when I was 
 drunk — I can prove it by the evidence of the landlord and 
 his wife ; I fancy you'll own I have some right to say with 
 my friend Horace, 
 
 Qui me commorit, (melius non tangere clamo,) 
 Flebit, et insignis tota cantabitur urbe." 
 
 The knight, having perused the papers, declared his 
 opinion that the verses were tolerably good ; but at the same 
 time observed that the author had reviled as ignorant dunces 
 several persons who had written with reputation, and were 
 generally allowed to have genius ; a circumstance that would 
 detract more from his candour than could be allowed to 
 his capacity. 
 
 " D — n their genius ! " cried the satirist, " a pack of 
 impertinent rascals ! I tell you, sir, Ben Bullock and I had 
 determined to crush all that were not of our own party. 
 Besides, I said before, this piece was written in drink." — 
 " Was you drunk too when it was printed and published ? " — 
 " Yes, the printer shall make affidavit that I was never other- 
 wise than drunk or maudlin, till my enemies, on pretence
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 227 
 
 that my brain was turned, conveyed me to this infernal 
 mansion " 
 
 " They seem to have been your best friends," said the 
 knight, " and have put the most tender interpretation on 
 your conduct ; for, waiving the plea of insanity, your 
 character must stand as that of a man who hath some small 
 share of genius, without an atom of integrity. Of all those 
 whom Pope lashed in his Dunciad, there was not one who did 
 not richly deserve the imputation of dulness, and every one 
 of them had provoked the satirist by a personal attack. 
 In this respect the English poet was much more honest 
 than his French pattern Boileau, who stigmatised several 
 men of acknowledged genius ; such as Quinault, Perrault, 
 and the celebrated Lulli ; for which reason every man of a 
 liberal turn must, in spite of all his poetical merit, despise 
 him as a rancorous knave. If this disingenuous conduct 
 cannot be forgiven in a writer of his superior genius, who 
 will pardon it in you whose name is not half emerged from 
 obscurity ? " 
 
 " Hark ye, friend," replied the bard, " keep your pardon 
 and your counsel for those who ask it ; or, if you will force 
 them upon people, take one piece of advice in return. If you 
 don't like your present situation, apply for a committee 
 without delay. They'll find you too much of a fool to have 
 the least tincture of madness ; and you'll be released without 
 further scruple. In that case I shall rejoice in your deliver- 
 ance ; you will be freed from confinement, and I shall be 
 happily deprived of your conversation." 
 
 So saying, he flew off at a tangent, and our knight could 
 not help smiling at the peculiar virulence of his disposition. 
 Sir Launcelot then end -avoured to enter into conversation 
 with his attendant, by asking how long Mr. Distich had 
 resided in the house ; but he might as well have addressed 
 himself to a Turkish mute. The fellow either pretended 
 ignorance, or refused an answer to every question that was 
 proposed. He would not even disclose the name of his 
 landlord, nor inform him whereabouts the house was situated. 
 
 Finding himself agitated with impatience and indignation,
 
 228 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 he returned to Ms apartment, and the door being locked 
 upon him, began to review, not without horror, the particulars 
 of his fate. " How little reason," said he to himself, " have 
 we to boast of the blessings enjoyed by the British subject, 
 if he holds them on such a precarious tenure ; if a man of 
 rank and property may be thus kidnapped even in the midst of 
 the capital ; if he may be seized by ruffians, insulted, robbed, 
 and conveyed to such a prison as this, from which there 
 seems to be no possibility of escape ! Should I be indulged 
 with pen, ink, and paper, and appeal to my relations, 
 or to the magistrates of my country, my letters would be 
 intercepted by those who superintend my confinement. 
 Should I try to alarm the neighbourhood, my cries would be 
 neglected as those of some unhappy lunatic under necessary 
 correction. Should I employ the force which Heaven has 
 lent me, I might imbrue my hands in blood, and after all 
 find it impossible to escape through a number of successive 
 doors, locks, bolts, and sentinels. Should I endeavour to 
 tamper with the servant, he might discover my design, and 
 then I should be abridged of the little comfort I enjoy. 
 People may inveigh against the Bastille in France, and the 
 Inquisition in Portugal ; but I would ask, if either of these 
 be in reality so dangerous or dreadful as a private madhouse 
 in England, under the direction of a ruffian ? The Bastille 
 is a state prison, the Inquisition is a spiritual tribunal ; but 
 both are under the direction of Government. It seldom, 
 if ever, happens that a man entirely innocent is confined in 
 either ; or, if he should, he lays his account with a legal 
 trial before established judges. But, in England, the most 
 innocent person upon earth is liable to be immured for life 
 under the pretext of lunacy, sequestered from his wife, 
 children, and friends, robbed of his fortune, deprived even 
 of necessaries, and subjected to the most brutal treatment 
 from a low-bred barbarian, who raises an ample fortune 
 on the misery of his fellow-creatures, and may, during his 
 whole life, practise this horrid oppression, without question 
 or control." 
 
 This uncomfortable reverie was interrupted by a very
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 229 
 
 unexpected sound that seemed to issue from the other side 
 of a thick party-wall. It was a strain of vocal music, more 
 plaintive than the widowed turtle's moan, more sweet and 
 ravishing than Philomel's love-warbled song. Through his 
 ear it instantly pierced into his heart, for at once he recognised 
 it to be the voice of his adored Aurelia. Heavens ! what 
 was the agitation of his soul, when he made this discovery ! 
 how did every nerve quiver ! how did his heart throb with 
 the most violent emotion ! he ran round the room in 
 distraction, foaming like a lion in the toil — then he placed 
 his ear close to the partition, and listened as if his whole 
 soul was exerted in his sense of hearing. When the sound 
 ceased to vibrate on his ear, he threw himself on the bed ; 
 he groaned with anguish, he exclaimed in broken accents, 
 and in all probability his heart would have burst, had not 
 the violence of his sorrow found vent in a flood of tears. 
 
 These first transports were succeeded by a fit of impatience, 
 which had well-nigh deprived him of his senses in good 
 earnest. His surprise at finding his lost Aurelia in such a 
 place, the seeming impossibility of relieving her, and his 
 unspeakable eagerness to contrive some scheme for profiting 
 by the interesting discovery he had made, concurred in 
 brewing up a second ecstasy, during which he acted a 
 thousand extravagances, which it was well for him the 
 attendants did not observe. Perhaps it was well for the 
 servant that he did not enter while the paroxysm prevailed. 
 Had this been the case, he might have met with the fate of 
 Lichas, whom Hercules in his frenzy destroyed. 
 
 Before the cloth was laid for supper, he was calm enough 
 to conceal the disorder of his mind. But he complained 
 of the headache, and desired he might be next day visited 
 by the physician, to whom h : resolved to explain himself 
 in such a manner, as should make an impression upon him, 
 provided he was not altogether destitute of conscience and 
 humanity.
 
 230 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV 
 
 The Knot that puzzles human Wisdom, the hand of Fortune 
 sometimes will untie familiar as her Garter. 
 
 When the doctor made his next appearance in Sir Launcelot's 
 apartment, the knight addressed him in these words : " Sir, 
 the practice of medicine is one of the most honourable 
 professions exercised among the sons of men ; a profession 
 which hath been revered at all periods, and in all nations, 
 and even held sacred in the most polished ages of antiquity. 
 The scope of it is to preserve the being, and confirm the 
 health of our fellow-creatures ; of consequence, to sustain 
 the blessings of society, and crown life with fruition. The 
 character of a physician, therefore, not only supposes natural 
 sagacity, and acquired erudition, but it also implies every 
 delicacy of sentiment, every tenderness of nature, and every 
 virtue of humanity. That these qualities are centred in 
 you, doctor, I would willingly believe. But it will be suffi- 
 cient for my purpose, that you are possessed of common 
 integrity. To whose concern I am indebted for your 
 visits, you best know. But if you understand the art of 
 medicine, you must be sensible by this time, that, with respect 
 to me, your prescriptions are altogether unnecessary. 
 
 " Come, sir, you cannot — you don't believe that my 
 intellects are disordered. Yet, granting me to be really 
 under the influence of that deplorable malady, no person 
 has a right to treat me as a lunatic, or to sue out a com- 
 mission, but my nearest kindred. — That you may not plead 
 ignorance of my name and family, you shall understand that 
 I am Sir Launcelot Greaves, of the county of York, Baronet ; 
 and that my nearest relation is Sir Reginald Meadows, of 
 Cheshire, the eldest son of my mother's sister — that gentle- 
 man, I am sure, had no concern in seducing me by false 
 pretences under the clouds of night into the fields, where I 
 was surprised, overpowered, and kidnapped by armed ruffians. 
 Had he really believed me insane, he would have proceeded 
 according to the dictates of honour, humanity, and the
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 231 
 
 laws of his country. Situated as I am, I have a right, by 
 making application to the Lord Chancellor, to be tried by 
 a jury of honest men. But of that right I cannot avail 
 myself, while I remain at the mercy of a brutal miscreant, 
 in whose house I am enclosed, unless you contribute your 
 assistance. Your assistance, therefore, I demand, as you 
 are a gentleman, a Christian, and a fellow-subject, who, 
 though every other motive should be overlooked, ought to 
 interest himself in my case as a common concern, and concur 
 with all your power towards the punishment of those who 
 dare commit such outrages against the liberty of your 
 country." 
 
 The doctor seemed to be a little disconcerted ; but, after 
 some recollection, resumed his air of sufficiency and import- 
 ance, and assured our adventurer he would do him all the 
 service in his power ; but in the meantime advised him 
 to take the potion he had prescribed. 
 
 The knight's eyes lightening with indignation, " I am 
 now convinced," cried he, " that you are an accomplice in 
 the villainy which has been practised upon me ; that you 
 are a sordid wretch, without principle or feeling, a disgrace 
 to the faculty, and a reproach to human nature — yes, 
 sirrah, you are the most perfidious of all assassins — you are 
 the hireling minister of the worst of all villains ; who, from 
 motives even baser than malice, envy, and revenge, rob 
 the innocent of all the comforts of life, brand them with the 
 imputation of madness, the most cruel species of slander, 
 and wantonly protract their misery, by leaving them in the 
 most shocking confinement, a prey to reflections infinitely 
 more bitter than death — but I will be calm — do me justice 
 at your peril. I demand the protection of the legislature — 
 if I am refused — remember a day of reckoning will come 
 — you and the rest of the miscreants who have combined 
 against me must, in order to cloak your treachery, have 
 recourse to murder, — an expedient which I believe you very 
 capable of embracing — or a man of my rank and character 
 cannot be much longer concealed. Tremble, caitiff, at the 
 thoughts of my release — in the meantime, be gone, lest
 
 232 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 my just resentment impel me to dash your brains out upon 
 that marble — away " 
 
 The honest doctor was not so firmly persuaded of his 
 patient's lunacy as to reject his advice, which he made 
 what haste he could to follow, when an unexpected accident 
 intervened. 
 
 That this may be properly introduced we must return 
 to the knight's brace of trusty friends, Captain Crowe and 
 lawyer Clarke, whom we left in sorrowful deliberation upon 
 the fate of their patron. Clarke's genius being rather more 
 fruitful in resources than that of the seaman, he suggested 
 an advertisement, which was accordingly inserted in the 
 daily papers, importing that, " Whereas a gentleman of 
 considerable rank and fortune had suddenly disappeared 
 on such a night, from his house near Golden Square, in 
 consequence of a letter delivered to him by a porter ; and 
 there is great reason to believe some violence hath been 
 offered to his life ; any person capable of giving such infor- 
 mation as may tend to clear up this dark transaction, shall, 
 by applying to Mr. Thomas Clarke, attorney, at his lodgings 
 in Upper Brook Street, receive proper security for the reward 
 of one hundred guineas, to be paid to him upon his making 
 the discovery required." 
 
 The porter who delivered the letter appeared accordingly, 
 but could give no other information, except that it was 
 put into his hand with a shilling, by a man muffled up in 
 a greatcoat, who stopped him for the purpose, in his passing 
 through Queen Street. It was necessary that the advertise- 
 ment should produce an effect upon another person, who 
 was no other than the hackney-coachman who drove our 
 hero to the place of his imprisonment. This fellowTiad 
 been enjoined secrecy ; and, indeed, bribed to hold his 
 tongue, by a considerable gratification, which, it was supposed, 
 would have been effectual, as the man was a master coachman 
 in good circumstances, and well known to the keeper of the 
 madhouse, by whom he had been employed on former 
 occasions of the same nature. Perhaps his fidelity to his 
 employer, reinforced by the hope of many future jobs of
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 233 
 
 that kind, might have been proof against the offer of fifty 
 pounds ; but double that sum was a temptation he could not 
 resist. He no sooner read the intimation in the Daily 
 Advertiser, over his morning's pot at an alehouse, than he 
 entered into consultation with his own thoughts ; and, 
 having no reason to doubt that this was the very fare he had 
 conveyed, he resolved to earn the reward, and abstain from 
 all such adventures in time coming. He had the precaution, 
 however, to take an attorney along with him to Mr. Clarke, 
 who entered into a conditional bond ; and, with the assistance 
 of his uncle, deposited the money, to be forthcoming when 
 the conditions should be fulfilled. These previous measures 
 being taken, the coachman declared what he knew, and 
 discovered the house in which Sir Launcelot had been 
 immured. He, moreover, accompanied our two adherents 
 to a judge's chamber, where he made oath to the truth of 
 his information ; and a warrant was immediately granted 
 to search the house of Bernard Shackle, and set at liberty 
 Sir Launcelot Greaves, if there found. 
 
 Fortified with this authority, they engaged a constable, 
 with a formidable posse, and, embarking them in coaches, 
 repaired with all possible expedition to the house of Mr. 
 Shackle, who did not think proper to dispute their claim, 
 but admitted them, though not without betraying evident 
 symptoms of consternation. One of the servants directing 
 them, by his master's order, to Sir Launcelot's apartment, 
 they hurried upstairs in a body, occasioning such a noise 
 as did not fail to alarm the physician, who had just opened 
 the door to retire, when he perceived their irruption. Cap- 
 tain Crowe conjecturing he was guilty from the confusion 
 that appeared in his countenance, made no scruple of seizing 
 him by the collar as he endeavoured to retreat ; while the 
 tender-hearted Tom Clarke, running up to the knight, with 
 his eyes brimful of joy and affection, forgot all the forms 
 of distant respect, and throwing his arms round his neck 
 blubbered in his bosom. 
 
 Our hero did not receive this proof of attachment un- 
 moved. He strained him in his embrace, honoured him
 
 234 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 with, the title of his deliverer, and asked him by what miracle 
 he had discovered the place of his confinement. The 
 lawyer began to unfold the various steps he had taken with 
 equal minuteness and self-complacency, when Crowe, drag- 
 ging the doctor still by the collar, shook his old friend by 
 the hand, protesting he was never so overjoyed since he got 
 clear of a Sallee rover on the coast of Barbary ; and that 
 two glasses ago he would have started all the money he had 
 in the world in the hold of any man who would have shown 
 Sir Launcelot safe at his moorings. The knight having 
 made a proper return to this sincere manifestation of good- 
 will, desired him to dismiss that worthless fellow, meaning 
 the doctor ; who, finding himself released, withdrew with 
 some precipitation. 
 
 Then our adventurer, attended by his friends, walked 
 off with a deliberate pace to the outward gate, which he 
 found open, and getting into one of the coaches, was enter- 
 tained by the way to his own house with a detail of every 
 measure which had been pursued for his release. 
 
 In his own parlour he found Mrs. Dolly Cowslip, who 
 had been waiting with great fear and impatience for the 
 issue of Mr. Clarke's adventure. She now fell upon her 
 knees, and bathed the knight's hands with tears of joy ; 
 while the face of this young woman, recalling the idea of 
 her mistress, roused his heart to strong emotions, and 
 stimulated his mind to the immediate achievement he had 
 already planned. As for Mr. Crabshaw, he was not the last 
 to signify his satisfaction at his master's return. After having 
 kissed the hem of his garment, he retired to the stable, 
 where he communicated these tidings to his friend Gilbert, 
 whom he saddled and bridled ; the same office he performed 
 for Bronzomarte ; then putting on his squire-like attire 
 and accoutrements, he mounted one, and led the other 
 to the knight's door, before which he paraded, uttering, 
 from time to time, repeated shouts, to the no small enter- 
 tainment of the populace, until he received orders to house 
 his companions. Thus commanded, he led them back to 
 their stalls, resumed his livery, and rejoined his fellow-
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 235 
 
 servants, who were resolved to celebrate the day with 
 banquets and rejoicings. 
 
 Their master's heart was not sufficiently at ease to share 
 in their festivity. He held a consultation with his friends 
 in the parlour, whom he acquainted with the reasons he 
 had to believe Miss Darnel was confined in the same house 
 which had been his prison ; a circumstance which filled 
 them with equal pleasure and astonishment. Dolly in 
 particular, weeping plentifully, conjured him to deliver her 
 dear lady without delay. Nothing now remained but to 
 concert the plan for her deliverance. As Aurelia had 
 informed Dolly of her connection with Mrs. Kawdle, at 
 whose house she proposed to lodge, before she was overtaken 
 on the road by her uncle, this particular was now imparted 
 to the council, and struck a light which seemed to point 
 out the direct way to Miss Darnel's enlargement. 
 
 Our hero, accompanied by Mrs. Cowslip and Tom Clarke, 
 set out immediately for the house of Dr. Kawdle, who 
 happened to be abroad, but his wife received them with 
 great courtesy. She was a well-bred, sensible, genteel 
 woman, and strongly attached to Aurelia by the ties of 
 affection, as well as of consanguinity. She no sooner learned 
 the situation of her cousin than she expressed the most 
 impatient concern for her being set at liberty, and assured 
 Sir Launcelot she would concur in any scheme he should 
 propose for that purpose. There was no room for hesitation 
 or choice ; he attended her immediately to the judge, who, 
 upon proper application, issued another search-warrant 
 for Aurelia Darnel. The constable and his posse were again 
 retained, and Sir Launcelot Greaves once more crossed 
 the threshold of Mr. Bernard Shackle. Nor was the search- 
 warrant the only implement of justice with which he had 
 furnished himself for this visit. In going thither they agreed 
 upon the method in which they should introduce themselves 
 gradually to Miss Darnel, that her tender nature might not 
 be too much shocked by their sudden appearance. 
 
 When they arrived at the house, therefore, and produced 
 their credentials, in consequence of which a female attendant
 
 236 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 was directed to show the lady's apartment, Mrs. Dolly first 
 entered the chamber of the accomplished Aurelia, who, 
 lifting up her eyes, screamed aloud, and flew into the arms 
 of her faithful Cowslip. Some minutes elapsed before 
 Dolly could make shift to exclaim, " Am coom to live and 
 daai with my beloved leady ! " — " Dear Dolly ! " cried 
 her mistress, " I cannot express the pleasure I have in seeing 
 you again. Good Heaven : what solitary hours of keen 
 affliction have I passed since we parted ! — but, tell me, 
 how did you discover the place of my retreat ? — has my uncle 
 relented ? — do I owe your coming to his indulgence ? " 
 
 Dolly answered in the negative ; and by degrees gave 
 her to understand that her cousin, Mrs. Kawdle, was in the 
 next room ; that lady immediately appeared, and a very 
 tender scene of recognition passed between the two relations. 
 It was she who, in the course of conversation, perceiving 
 that Aurelia was perfectly composed, declared the happy 
 tidings of her approaching deliverance. When the other 
 eagerly insisted upon knowing to whose humanity and address 
 she was indebted for this happy turn of fortune, her cousin 
 declared the obligation was due to a young gentleman of 
 Yorkshire, called Sir Launcelot Greaves. At mention of 
 that name her face was overspread with a crimson glow, 
 and her eyes beamed redoubled splendour. " Cousin," said 
 she, with a sigh, " I know not what to say — that gentleman, 
 Sir Launcelot Greaves, was surely born — Lord bless me ! 
 I tell you, cousin, he has been my guardian angel." 
 
 Mrs. Kawdle, who had maintained a correspondence with 
 her by letters, was no stranger to the former part of the 
 connection subsisting between those two lovers, and had 
 always favoured the pretensions of our hero, without being 
 acquainted with his person. She now observed with a 
 smile, that as Aurelia esteemed the knight her guardian 
 angel, and he adored her as a demi-deity, nature seemed 
 to have intended them for each other ; for such sublime 
 ideas exalted them both above the sphere of ordinary 
 mortals. She then ventured to intimate that he was in the 
 house, impatient to pay his respects in person. At this
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 237 
 
 declaration" the ' colour vanished from her cheeks, which, 
 however, soon underwent a total suffusion. Her heart 
 panted, her bosom heaved, and her gentle frame was agitated 
 by transports rather violent than unpleasing. She soon, 
 however, recollected herself, and her native serenity returned, 
 when, rising from her seat, she declared she would see him in 
 the next apartment, where he stood in the most tumultuous 
 suspense, waiting for permission to approach her person. 
 Here she broke in upon him, arrayed in an elegant white 
 undress, the emblem of her purity, beaming forth the 
 emanations of amazing beauty, warmed and improved with 
 a glow of gratitude and affection. His heart was too 
 big for utterance ; he ran towards her with rapture, and 
 throwing himself at her feet, imprinted a most respectful, 
 kiss upon her lily hand.—" This, divine Aurelia," cried he, 
 " is a foretaste of that ineffable bliss which you was born to 
 bestow ! — Do I then live to see you smile again ? to see 
 you restored to liberty, your mind at ease, and your health 
 unimpaired ? " — " You have lived," said she, " to see my 
 obligations to Sir Lavncelot Greaves accumulated in such 
 a manner, that a whole life spent in acknowledgment will 
 scarce suffice to demonstrate a due sense of his goodness." — 
 " You greatly overrate my services, which have been rather 
 the duties of common humanity, than the efforts of a 
 generous passion, too noble to be thus evinced ; — but let not 
 my unseasonable transports detain you a moment longer 
 on this detested scene. Give me leave to hand you into 
 the coach, and commit you to the care of this good lady, 
 attended by this honest young gentleman, who is my par- 
 ticular friend." So saying, he presented Mr. Thomas 
 Clarke, who had the honour to salute the fair hand of the 
 cvcr-amiable Aurelia- 
 
 The ladies being safely coached under the escort of the 
 lawyer, Sir Launcelot assured them he should wait on them 
 in the evening at the house of Dr. Kawdle, v hither they 
 immediately directed their course. Our hero, who remained 
 with the constable and his gang, inquired for Mr. Bernard 
 Shackle, upon whose person he intended to serve a writ of
 
 238 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 conspiracy, over and above a prosecution for robbery, in 
 consequence of his having disencumbered the knight of his 
 money and other effects, on the first night of his confine- 
 ment. Mr. Shackle had discretion enough to avoid this 
 encounter, and even to anticipate the indictment for felony, 
 by directing one of his servants to restore the cash and 
 papers, which our adventurer accordingly received before 
 he quitted the house. 
 
 In the prosecution of his search after Shackle, he chanced 
 to enter the chamber of the bard, whom he found in dishabille 
 writing at a table, with a bandage over one eye, and his head 
 covered with a nightcap of baize. The knight, having made 
 an apology for this intrusion, desired to know if he could 
 be of any service to Mr. Distich, as he was now at liberty 
 to use the little influence he had for the relief of his fellow- 
 sufferers. — The poet having eyed him for some time askance, 
 " I told you," said he, " your stay in this place would be of 
 short duration. — I have sustained a small disaster on my left 
 eye, from the hands of a rascally cordwainer, who pretends 
 to believe himself the King of Prussia, and I am now in the 
 very act of galling his majesty with keen iambics. — If you 
 can help me to a roll of tobacco and a bottle of Geneva, 
 so — if you are not so inclined, your humble servant, I shall 
 share in the joy of your deliverance." 
 
 The knight declined gratifying him in these particulars, 
 which he apprehended might be prejudicial to his health, but 
 offered his assistance in redressing his grievances, provided 
 he laboured under any cruel treatment or inconvenience. 
 " I comprehend the full extent of your generosity," replied 
 the satirist ; " you are willing to assist me in everything, 
 except the only circumstanecs in which assistance is required 
 — God b'w'ye. If you see Ben Bullock, tell him I wish he 
 would not dedicate any more of his works to me. D — n the 
 fellow, he has changed his note, and begins to snivel. — For 
 my part, I stick to my former maxim, defy all the world, 
 and will die hard, even if death should be preceded by 
 damnation." 
 
 The knight, finding him incorrigible, left him to the
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 239 
 
 slender chance of being one day comforted by the dram- 
 bottle ; but resolved, if possible, to set on foot an accurate 
 inquiry into the economy and transactions of this private 
 inquisition, that ample justice might be done in favour of 
 every injured individual confined within its walls. 
 
 In the afternoon he did not fail to visit his Aurelia ; and 
 all the protestations of their mutual passion were once more 
 interchanged. He now produced the letter which had 
 caused such fatal disquiet in his bosom, and Miss Darnel 
 no sooner eyed the paper, than she recollected it was a 
 formal dismission, which she had intended and directed 
 for Mr. Sycamore. This the uncle had intercepted, and 
 cunningly enclosed in another cover, addressed to Sir Launce- 
 lot Greaves, who was now astonished beyond measure to 
 see the mystery so easily unfolded. The joy that now 
 diffused itself in the hearts of our lovers is more easily 
 conceived than described ; but, in order to give a stability 
 to this mutual satisfaction, it was necessary that Aurelia 
 should be secured from the tyranny of her uncle, whose 
 power of guardianship would not otherwise expire for some 
 months. 
 
 Dr. Kawdle and his lady having entered into their delibera- 
 tions on the subject, it was agreed that Miss Darnel should 
 have recourse to the protection of the Lord Chancellor ; 
 but such application was rendered unnecessary by the 
 unexpected arrival of John Clump with the following letter 
 to Mrs. Kawdle from the steward of Anthony Darnel, 
 dated at Aurelia's house in the country : 
 
 " Madam, — It hath pleased God to afflict Mr. Darnel with 
 a severe Btroke of the d ad palsy. — He was taken ill yesterday, 
 and now lies insensible, seemingly at the point of death. 
 Among the papers in his pooket I found the enclosed, by 
 which it appears that my honoured young lady, Miss Darnel, 
 is confined in a private madhouse. I am afraid Mr. Darnel's 
 fate is a just judgment of God upon him for his cruelty to 
 that excellent person. I need not exhort you, madam to 
 take, immediately upon the receipt of this, such measures
 
 240 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 as will be necessary for the enlargement of my poor young 
 lady. In the meantime, I shall do the needful for the 
 preservation of her property in this place, and send you an 
 account of any further alteration that may happen ; being 
 very respectfully, madam, your most obedient humble 
 servant, 
 
 " Ralph Mattocks." 
 
 Clump had posted up to London with this intimation 
 on the wings of love, and being covered with clay from the 
 heels to the eyes upwards, he appeared in such an unfavour- 
 able light at Dr. Kawdle's door, that the footman refused 
 him admittance. Nevertheless, he pushed him aside, and 
 fought his way upstairs into the dining-room, where the 
 company was not a little astonished at such an apparition. 
 The fellow himself was no less amazed at seeing Aurelia 
 and his own sweetheart Mrs. Dolly Cowslip. He forthwith 
 fell upon his knees, and in silence held out the letter, which 
 was taken by the doctor, and presented to his wife, according 
 to the direction. She did not fail to communicate the 
 contents, which were far from being unwelcome to the 
 individuals who composed this little society. Mr. Clump 
 was honoured with the approbation of his young lady, 
 who commended him for his zeal and expedition ; bestowed 
 upon him a handsome gratuity in the meantime, and desired 
 to see him again when he should be properly refreshed after 
 the fatigue he had undergone. 
 
 Mr. Thomas Clarke being consulted on this occasion, 
 gave it as his opinion, that Miss Darnel should, without 
 delay, choose another guardian for the few months that re- 
 mained of her minority. The opinion was confirmed by 
 the advice of some eminent lawyers, to whom immediate 
 recourse was had ; and Dr. Kawdle being the person pitched 
 upon for this office, the necessary forms were executed with 
 all possible despatch. 
 
 The first use the doctor made of his guardianship was to 
 sign a power, constituting Mr. Rulph Mattocks his attorney 
 pro tempore for managing the estate of Miss Aurelia Darnel ;
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 241 
 
 and this was forwarded to the steward by the hands of 
 Clump, who set out with it for the seat of Darnel Hill, 
 though not without a heavy heart,*fcccasioned by some 
 intimation he had received concerning the connection 
 between his dear Dolly and Mr. Clarke, the lawyer. 
 
 CHAPTER XXV 
 
 Which, it is hoped, will be, on more accounts than one, 
 agreeable to the Reader. 
 
 Sir Launcelot, having vindicated the liberty, confirmed 
 the safety, and secured the heart of his charming Aurelia, 
 now found leisure to unravel the conspiracy which had been 
 executed against his person ; and with that view commenced 
 a lawsuit against the owner of the house where he and his 
 mistress had been separately confined. Mr. Shackle was, 
 notwithstanding all the submissions and atonement which 
 he offered to make, either in private or in public, indicted on 
 the statute of kidnapping, tried, convicted, punished by 
 a severe fine r.nd standing in the pillory. A judicial writ 
 ad inquirendum being executed, the prisons of his inquisition 
 were laid open, and several innocent captives enlirged. 
 
 In the course of Shackle's trial, it appeared that the 
 knight's confinement was a scheme executed by his rival 
 Mr. Sycamore, according to the device of his counsellor, 
 Dawdle, who, by this contrivance, had reconciled himself 
 to his patron, after having deserted him in the day of battle. 
 Our hero was so incensed at this discovery of Sycamore's 
 treachery and ingratitude, that he went in quest of him 
 immediately, to take vengeance on his person, accompanied 
 by Captain Crowe, who wanted to balance accounts with 
 Mr. Dawdle. But those gentlemen had wisely avoided 
 the impending storm, by retiring to the Continent, on 
 pretence of travelling for improvement. 
 
 Sir Launcelot was not now so much of a knight-errant 
 as to leave Aurelia to the care of Providence, and pursue 
 the traitors to the farthest extremities of the earth. He 
 
 16
 
 242 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 practised a much more easy, certain, and effectual method 
 of revenge, by instituting a process against them, which, 
 after writs of capias, alias et plurics, had been repeated, 
 subjected them both to outlawry. Mr. Sycamore, and his 
 friend, being thus deprived of the benefit of the law by their 
 own neglect, would likewise have forfeited their goods and 
 chattels to the king, had not they made such submissions as 
 appeased the wrath of Sir Launcelot and Captain Crowe ; 
 then they ventured to return, and, by dint of interest, 
 obtained a reversal of the outlawry. But this grace they 
 did not enjoy till long after our adventurer was happily 
 established in life. 
 
 While the knight waited impatiently for the expiration 
 of Aurelia's minority, and in the meantime consoled himself 
 with the imperfect happiness arising from her conversation, 
 and those indulgences which the most unblemished virtue 
 could bestow, Captain Crowe projected another plan of 
 vengeance against the conjurer, whose lying oracles had cost 
 him such a world of vexation. The truth is, the captain 
 began to be tired of idleness, and undertook this adventure 
 to keep his hand in use. He imparted his design to Crab- 
 shaw, who had likewise suffered in spirit from the predictions 
 of the said offender, and was extremely well disposed to 
 assist in punishing the false prophet. He now took it for 
 granted that he should not be hanged for stealing a horse ; 
 and thought it very hard to pay so much money for a deceitful 
 prophecy, which, in all likelihood, would never be fulfilled. 
 
 Actuated by these motives, they set out together for 
 the house of consultation, but they found it shut up and 
 abandoned ; and, upon inquiry in the neighbourhood, 
 learned that the conjurer had moved his quarters that very 
 day on which the captain had recourse to his art. This was 
 actually the case. He knew the fate of Sir Launcelot would 
 soon come to light, and he did not choose to wait the conse- 
 quence. He had other motives for decamping. He had 
 run a score at the public-house, which he had no mind to 
 discharge, and wanted to disengage himself from his female 
 associate, who knew too much of his affairs to be kept at a
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 243 
 
 proper distance. All these purposes he had answered by 
 retreating softly, without beat of drum, while his sibyl was 
 abroad running down prey for his devouring. He had not, 
 however, taken his measures so cunningly, but that this old 
 hag discovered his new lodgings, and, in revenge, gave infor- 
 mation to the publican. This creditor took out a writ 
 accordingly, and the bailiff had just secured his person, as 
 Captain Crowe and Timothy Crabshaw chanced to pass by 
 the door in their way homewards, through an obscure 
 street, near the Seven Dials. 
 
 The conjurer having no subterfuge left, but a great many 
 particular reasons for avoiding an explanation with the 
 justice, like the man between the devil and the deep sea, 
 of two evils chose the least ; and beckoning to the captain, 
 called him by his name. Crowe, thus addressed, replied 
 with a " Hilloah ! " and looking towards the place from 
 whence he was hailed, at once recognised the necromancer. 
 Without farther hesitation, he sprang across the street, and, 
 collaring x\lbumazar, exclaimed, " Aha ! old boy, is the 
 wind in that corner ? I thought we should grapple one day 
 — now will I bring you up by the head, though all the devils 
 in hell were blowing abaft the beam." 
 
 The bailiff seeing his prisoner so roughly handled before, 
 and at the same time assaulted behind by Crabshaw, who 
 cried, " Show me a liar, and I'll show you a thief — who is 
 to be hanged now ? " I say, the bailiff, fearing he should 
 lose the benefit of his job, began to put on his contentious 
 face, and, declaring the doctor was his prisoner, swore he 
 could not surrender him without a warrant from the Lord 
 Chi' f Justice. The whole group adjourning into the 
 parlour, the conjurer desired to know of Crowe whether Sir 
 Launcelot was found. Being answered, " Ey, ey, safe enough 
 to see you made fast in the bilboes, brother " ; he told the 
 captain he had something of consequence to communiote 
 for his advantage ; and proposed that Crowe and Crabshaw 
 should bail the action, which lay only for a debt of three 
 pounds. 
 
 Crowe stormed, and Crabshaw grinned at this modest
 
 244 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 proposal ; but when they understood that they could only 
 be bound for his appearance, and reflected that they need 
 not part with him until his body should be surrendered 
 unto justice, they consented to give bail ; and the bond 
 being executed, conveyed him directly to the house of our 
 adventurer. 
 
 The boisterous Crowe introduced him to Sir Launcelot 
 with such an abrupt unconnected detail of his offence as 
 the knight could not understand without Timothy's annota- 
 tions. These were followed by some questions put to the 
 conjurer, who, laying aside his black gown, and plucking 
 off his white beard, exhibited to the astonished spectators 
 the very individual countenance of the empirical politician 
 Ferret, who had played our hero such a slippery trick after 
 the electioneering adventure. 
 
 " I perceive," said he, " you are preparing to expostulate 
 
 and upbraid me for having given a false information against 
 
 you to the country justice. I look upon mankind to be in 
 
 a state of nature ; a truth which Hobbes has stumbled upon 
 
 by accident. I think every man has a right to avail himself 
 
 of his talents, even at the expense of his fellow-creatures ; 
 
 just as we see the fish, and other animals of the creation, 
 
 devouring one another. I found the justice but one degree 
 
 removed from idiotism, and knowing that he would commit 
 
 some blunder in the execution of his office, which would 
 
 lay him at your mercy, I contrived to make his folly the 
 
 instrument of my escape — I was dismissed without being 
 
 obliged to sign the information I had given ; and you took 
 
 ample vengeance for his tyranny and impertinence. I came 
 
 to London, where my circumstances obliged me to live in 
 
 disguise. In the character of a conjurer, I was consulted 
 
 by your follower, Crowe, and your squire, Crabshaw. I 
 
 did little or nothing but echo back the intelligence they 
 
 brought me, except prognosticating that Crabshaw would be 
 
 hanged ; a prediction to which I found myself so irresistibly 
 
 impelled, that I am persuaded it was the real effect of 
 
 inspiration. I am now arrested for a paltry sum of money, 
 
 and, moreover, liable to be sent to Bridewell as an impostor ;
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 245 
 
 let those answer for my conduct whose cruelty and insolence 
 have driven me to the necessity of using such subterfuges. 
 I have been oppressed and persecuted by the Government 
 for speaking truth ; your omnipotent laws have reconciled 
 contradictions. That which is acknowledged to be truth in 
 fact, is construed falsehood in law ; and great reason we have 
 to boast of a constitution founded on the basis of absurdity. 
 But, waiving these remarks, I own I am unwilling to be either 
 imprisoned for debt, or punished for imposture. I know 
 how far to depend upon generosity, and what is called 
 benevolence — words to amuse the weak-minded ; I build 
 upon a surer bottom. I will bargain for your assistance. It 
 is in my power to put twelve thousand pounds in the pocket 
 of Samuel Crowe, that there sea-ruffian, who, by his goodwill, 
 would hang me to the yard's arm " 
 
 There he was interrupted by the seaman. " D — n your 
 rat's eyes ! none of your — hang thee ! fish my top-masts ! 
 if the rope was fairly reeved, and the tackle sound, d'ye 
 
 see " Mr. Clarke, who was present, began to stare, 
 
 while the knight assured Ferret, that if he was really able 
 and willing to serve Captain Crowe in anything essential, he 
 should be amply rewarded. In the meantime he discharged 
 the debt, and assigned him an apartment in his own house. 
 That same day Crowe, by the advice of Sir Launcelot and 
 his nephew, entered into conditional articles with the cynic, 
 to allow him the interest of fifteen hundred pounds for life, 
 provided by this means the captain should obtain possession 
 of the estate of Hobby Hole in Yorkshire, which had belonged 
 to his grandfather, and of which he was heir of blood. 
 
 'I Ins bond being executed, Mr. Ferret discovered that 
 he himself was the lawful husband of Bridget Maple, aunt 
 Co Samuel Crowe, by a clandestine marriage ; which, how- 
 ever, he convinced them he could prove by undeniable 
 evidence. This being the case, she, the said Bridget Maple, 
 alias Ferret, was a covert femme, consequently could not 
 transact any deed of alienation without his concurrence ; 
 ergo, the docking of the entail of the estate of Hobby Hole 
 was illegal and of none effect. This was a very agreeable
 
 246 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 declaration to the whole company, who did not fail to 
 congratulate Captain Crowe on the prospect of his being 
 restored to his inheritance. Tom Clarke, in particular, 
 protested, with tears in his eyes, that it gave him unspeakable 
 joy ; and his tears trickled the faster, when Crowe, with an 
 arch look, signified, that now he was pretty well victualled 
 for life, he had some thoughts of embarking on the voyage 
 of matrimony. 
 
 But that point of happiness to which, as the north pole, 
 the course of these adventures hath been invariably directed, 
 was still unattained ; we mean, the indissoluble union of the 
 accomplished Sir Launcelot Greaves and the enchanting 
 Miss Darnel. Our hero now discovered in his mistress a 
 thousand charms, which hitherto he had no opportunity 
 to contemplate. He found her beauty excelled by her good 
 sense, and her virtue superior to both. He found her 
 untainted by that giddiness, vanity, and affectation, which 
 distinguish the fashionable females of the present age. He 
 found her uninfected by the rage for diversion and dissipation, 
 for noise, tumult, gewgaws, glitter, and extravagance. He 
 found her not only raised by understanding and taste far 
 above the amusement of little vulgar minds, but even exalted 
 by uncommon genius and refined reflection, so as to relish 
 the more sublime enjoyments of rational pleasure. He 
 found her possessed of that vigour of mind which constitutes 
 true fortitude, and vindicates the empire of reason. He 
 found her heart incapable of disguise or dissimulation ; 
 frank, generous, and open ; susceptible of the most tender 
 impressions, glowing with a keen sense of honour, and 
 melting with humanity. A youth of his sensibility could 
 not fail of being deeply affected by such attractions. The 
 nearer he approached the centre of happiness, the more did 
 the velocity of his passion increase. Her uncle still remained 
 insensible as it were in the arms of death. Time seemed to 
 linger in its lapse, till the knight was inflamed to the most 
 eager degree of impatience. He communicated his distress 
 to Aurelia ; he pressed her with the most pathetic remon- 
 strances to abridge the torture of his suspense. He interested
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 247 
 
 Mrs. Kawdle in his behalf ; and, at length, his importunity 
 succeeded. The banns of marriage were regularly published, 
 and the ceremony was performed in the parish church, in 
 the presence of Dr. Kawdle and his lady, Captain Crowe, 
 Lawyer Clarke, and Mrs. Dolly Cowslip 
 
 The bride, instead of being disguised in tawdry stuffs of 
 gold and silver, and sweating under a harness of diamonds, 
 according to the elegant taste of the times, appeared in a 
 negligee of plain blue satin, without any other jewels than 
 her eyes, which far outshone all that ever was produced 
 by the mines of Golconda. Her hair had no other extraneous 
 ornament than a small sprig of artificial roses ; but the dignity 
 of her air, the elegance of her shape, the sweetness and 
 sensibility of her countenance, added to such warmth of 
 colouring, and such exquisite symmetry of features, as could 
 not be excelled by human nature, attracted the eyes and 
 excited the admiration of all the beholders. The effect 
 they produced in the heart of Sir Launcelot was such a 
 rapture as we cannot pretend to describe. He made his 
 appearance or this occasion in a white coat and blue satin 
 vest, both embroidered with silver ; and all who saw him 
 could not but own that he alone seemed worthy to possess 
 the lady whom Heaven had destined for his consort. Captain 
 Crowe had put on a blue suit of clothes strongly guarded 
 with bars of broad gold-lace, in order to honour the nuptials 
 of his friend. He wore upon his head a bag-wig, a la pigeon, 
 made by an old acquaintance in Wapping ; and to his side 
 he had girded a huge plate-hilted sword, which he had 
 bought of a recruiting sergeant. Mr. Clarke was dressed in 
 pompadour, with gold buttons, and his lovely Dolly in a 
 smart checked lutestring, a present from her mistress. 
 
 The whole company dined, by invitation, at the house 
 of Dr. Kawdle ; and here it was that the most deserving 
 lovers on the face of the earth attained to the consummation 
 of all earthly felicity. The captain and his nephew had a 
 hint to retire in due time. Mrs. Kawdle conducted the 
 amiable Aurelia, trembling, to the marriage-bed ; our hero, 
 glowing with a bridegroom's ardour, claimed the husband's
 
 248 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 privilege. Hymen lighted up his brightest torch at Virtue's 
 lamp, and every star shed its happiest influence on their 
 Heaven-directed union. 
 
 Instructions had been already despatched to prepare 
 Greavesbury Hall for the reception of its new mistress, 
 and for that place the new-married couple set out next 
 morning, according to the plan which had been previously 
 concerted. Sir Launcelot and Lady Greaves, accompanied 
 by Mrs. Kawdle and attended by Dolly, travelled in their 
 own coach, drawn by six dappled horses. Dr. Kawdle, 
 with Captain Crowe, occupied the doctor's post-chariot, 
 provided with four bays. Mr. Clarke had the honour to 
 bestride the loins of Bronzomarte. Mr. Ferret was mounted 
 upon an old hunter ; Crabshaw stuck close to his friend 
 Gilbert ; and two other horsemen completed the retinue. 
 There was not an aching heart in the whole cavalcade, except 
 that of the young lawyer, which was by turns invaded with 
 hot desires and chilling scruples. Though he was fond of 
 Dolly to distraction, his regard to worldly reputation, and 
 his attention to worldly interest, were continually raising 
 up bars to a legal gratification of his love. His pride was 
 startled at the thought of marrying the daughter of a poor 
 country publican ; and he moreover dreaded the resentment 
 of his uncle Crowe, should he take any step of this nature 
 without his concurrence. Many a wishful look did he cast 
 at Dolly, the tears standing in his eyes, and many a woful 
 sigh did he utter. 
 
 Lady Greaves immediately perceived the situation of 
 his heart, and, by questioning Mrs. Cowslip, discovered 
 a mutual passion between these lovers. She consulted her 
 dear knight on the subject, and he catechised the lawyer, 
 who pleaded guilty. The captain being sounded as to his 
 opinion, declared he would be steered in that, as well as 
 every other course of life, by Sir Launcelot and his lady, 
 whom he verily revered as being of an order superior to the 
 ordinary race of mankind. This favourable response being 
 obtained from the sailor, our hero took an opportunity on 
 the road, one day after dinner, in presence of the whole
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 249 
 
 company, to accost the lawyer in these words : — " My good 
 friend Clarke, I have your happiness very much at heart — 
 your father was an honest man, to whom my family had 
 manifold obligations. I have had these many years a personal 
 regard for yourself, derived from your own integrity of heart 
 and goodness of disposition — I see you are affected, and 
 shall be brief. Besides this regard I am indebted to your 
 friendship for the liberty — what shall I say ? — for the 
 inestimable happiness I now enjoy, in possessing the most 
 
 excellent But I understand that significant glance of my 
 
 Aurelia — I will not offend her delicacy. — The truth is, my 
 obligation is very great, and it is time I should evince my 
 gratitude. — If the stewardship of my estate is worth your 
 acceptance, you shall have it immediately, together with the 
 house and farm of Cockerton in my neighbourhood. I 
 know you have a passion for Mrs. Dolly ; and believe she 
 looks upon you with the eyes of tender prepossession — don't 
 blush, Dolly. Besides your agreeable person, which all the 
 world must approve, you can boast of virtue, fidelity, and 
 friendship. Your attachment to Lady Greaves neither she 
 nor I shall ever forget. If you are willing to unite your 
 fate with Mr. Clarke, your mistress gives me leave to assure 
 you she will stock the farm at her own expense, and we will 
 
 celebrate the wedding at Greavesbury Hall " 
 
 By this time the hearts of these grateful lovers had over- 
 flowed. Dolly was sitting on her knees, bathing her lady's 
 hand with her tears, and Mr. Clarke appeared in the same 
 attitude by Sir Launcelot. The uncle, almost as affected 
 as the nephew by the generosity of our adventurer, cried 
 aloud, " I pray God that you and your glorious consort 
 may have smooth seas and gentle gales whithersoever you 
 are bound ; as for my kinsman Tom, I'll give him a thousand 
 pounds to set him fairly afloat ; and if he prove not a faithful 
 tender to you his benefactor, I hope he will founder in this 
 world, and be damned in that which is to come." Nothing 
 now was wanting to the completion of their happiness 
 but the consent of Dolly's mother at the Black Lion, who 
 v did not suppose could have any objection to such an
 
 250 THE ADVENTURES OF 
 
 advantageous match for her daughter ; but in this particular 
 they were mistaken. 
 
 In the meantime they arrived at the village where the 
 knight had exercised the duties of chivalry, and there he 
 received the gratulation of Mr. Fillet and the attorney who 
 had offered to bail him before Justice Gobble. Mutual 
 civilities having passed, they gave him to understand that 
 Gobble and his wife were turned Methodists. All the rest 
 of the prisoners whom he had delivered came to testify 
 their gratitude, and were hospitably entertained. Next day 
 they halted at the Black Lion, where the good woman was 
 overjoyed to see Dolly so happily preferred ; but when 
 Sir Launcelot unfolded the proposed marriage, she inter- 
 rupted him with a scream — u Christ Jesus forbid — marry 
 and amen ! — match with her own brother ! " 
 
 At this exclamation Dolly fainted ; her lover stood with 
 his ears erect, and his mouth wide open ; Crowe stared, 
 while the knight and his lady expressed equal surprise and 
 concern. When Sir Launcelot entreated Mrs. Cowslip to 
 explain this mystery, she told him, that about sixteen years 
 ago, Mr. Clarke, senior, had brought Dolly, then an infant, 
 to her house, when she and her late husband lived in another 
 part of the country; and as she had then been lately delivered 
 of a child which did not live, he hired her as a nurse to the 
 little foundling. He owned she was a love-begotten babe, 
 and from time to time paid handsomely for the board of 
 Dolly, who he desired might pass for her own daughter. 
 In his last illness, he assured her he had taken care to provide 
 for the child ; but since his death she had received no account 
 of any such provision. She moreover informed his honour, 
 that Mr. Clarke had deposited in her hands a diamond 
 ring, and a sealed paper, never to be opened without his 
 order, until Dolly should be demanded in marriage by the 
 man she should like, and not then, except in the presence of 
 the clergyman of the parish. " Send for the clergyman 
 this instant," cried our hero, reddening, and fixing his eyes 
 on Dolly ; " I hope all will yet be well." 
 
 The vicar arriving, and being made acquainted with the
 
 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES 251 
 
 nature of the case, the landlady produced the paper ; which, 
 being opened, appeared to be an authentic certificate, that 
 the person commonly known by the name of Dorothy 
 Cowslip was in fact Dorothy Greaves, daughter of Jonathan 
 Greaves, Esq., by a young gentlewoman who had been some 
 years deceased. 
 
 " The remaining part of the mystery I myself can unfold," 
 exclaimed the knight, while he ran and embraced the 
 astonished Dolly as his kinswoman. " Jonathan Greaves 
 was my uncle, and died before he came of age, so that he could 
 make no settlement on his child, the fruit of a private amour, 
 founded on a promise of marriage, of which this ring was a 
 token. Mr. Clarke, being his confidant, disposed of the 
 child, and at length, finding his constitution decay, revealed 
 the secret to my father, who in his will bequeathed one 
 hundred pounds a year to this agreeable foundling ; but, 
 as they both died while I was abroad, and some of the 
 memorandums touching this transaction probably were 
 mislaid, I never till now could discover where or how my 
 pretty cousin was situated. I shall recompense the good 
 woman for her care and fidelity, and take pleasure in bringing 
 this affair to a happy issue." 
 
 The lovers were now overwhelmed with transports of 
 joy and gratitude, and every countenance was lighted up 
 with satisfaction. From this place to the habitation of 
 Sir Launcelot, the bells were rung in every parish, and the 
 corporation in their formalities congratulated him in every 
 town through which he passed. About five miles from 
 Greavesbury Hall he was met by above five thousand persons 
 of both sexes and every age, dressed out in their gayest 
 apparel, headed by Mr. Ralph Mattocks from Darnel Hill, 
 and the rector from the knight's own parish. They were 
 preceded by music of different kinds, ranged under a great 
 variety of flags and ensigns ; and the women, as well as the 
 men, bedizened with fancy knots and marriage favours. 
 At the end of the avenue, a select bevy of comely virgins 
 arrayed in white, and a separate band of choice youths 
 distinguished by garlands of laurel and holly interweaved,
 
 252 SIR LAUNCELOT 'GREAVES 
 
 fell into the procession, and sang in chorus a rustic'epithala- 
 mium composed by the curate. At the gate they were 
 received by the venerable housekeeper, Mrs. Oakley, whose 
 features were so brightened by the occasion, that with the 
 first glance she made a conquest of the heart of Captain 
 Crowe ; and this connection was improved afterwards into 
 a legal conjunction. 
 
 Meanwhile the houses of Greavesbury Hall and Darnel 
 Hill were set open for the entertainment of all comers, 
 and both echoed with the sounds of festivity. After the 
 ceremony of giving and receiving visits had been performed 
 by Sir Launcelot Greaves and his lady, Mr. Clarke was 
 honoured with the hand of the agreeable Miss Dolly Greaves ; 
 and the captain was put in possession of his paternal estate. 
 The perfect and uninterrupted felicity of the knight and his 
 endearing consort diffused itself through the whole adjacent 
 country, as far as their example and influence could extend. 
 They were admired, esteemed, and applauded by every 
 person of taste, sentiment, and benevolence ; at the same 
 time beloved, revered, and almost adored by the common 
 people, among whom they suffered not the merciless hand 
 of indigence or misery to seize one single sacrifice. 
 
 Ferret, at first, seemed to enjoy his easy circumstances ; 
 but the novelty of this situation soon wore off, and all his 
 misanthropy returned. He could not bear to see his fellow- 
 creatures happy around him, and signified his disgust to 
 Sir Launcelot, declaring his intention of returning to the 
 metropolis, where he knew there would be always food 
 sufficient for the ravenous appetite of his spleen. Before 
 he departed, the knight made him partake of his bounty, 
 though he could not make him taste of his happiness, which 
 soon received a considerable addition in the birth of a son, 
 destined to be the heir and representative of two worthy 
 families, whose mutual animosity the union of his parents 
 had so happily extinguished. 
 
 THE END
 
 THE HISTORY AND 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 253
 
 CorboulU fecit. 
 
 Z/Cai&anief zfeacoc/c /tears a QJoice. 
 
 ATOM
 
 THE HISTORY AND 
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 THE EDITOR'S DECLARATION 
 
 I, Nathaniel Peacock, of the parish of St. Giles, haber- 
 dasher and author, solemnly declare, that on the third of 
 last August, sitting alone in my study, up three pair of 
 stairs, between the hours of eleven and twelve at night, 
 meditating upon the uncertainty of sublunary enjoyment, 
 I heard a shrill small voice, seemingly proceeding from my 
 own pericranium, call distinctly three times, " Nathaniel 
 Peacock, Nathaniel Peacock, Nathaniel Peacock." Aston- 
 ished, yea, even affrighted at this citation, I replied in a 
 faltering tone, " In the name of the Lord, what art thou ? " 
 Thus adjured, the voice answered and said, " I am an atom." 
 I was now thrown into a violent perturbation of spirit, 
 for I never could behold an atomy without fear and trem- 
 bling, even when I knew it was no more than a composition 
 of dry bones ; but the conceit of being in presence of an 
 atomy, informed with spirit, that is, animated by a ghost 
 or goblin, increased my fears exceedingly. I durst not lift 
 up mine eyes, lest I should behold an apparition more dread- 
 ful than the handwriting on the wall. My knees knocked 
 together : my teeth chattered : mine hair bristled up so 
 as to raise a cotton night-cap from the scalp : my tongue 
 
 255
 
 256 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 cleaved to the roof of my mouth • my temples were be- 
 dewed with a cold sweat. Verily, I was for a season 
 entranced. 
 
 At length, by the blessing of God, I recollected myself, 
 and cried aloud, "Avaunt, Satan, in the name of the Father, 
 Son, and Holy Ghost." — " White-livered caitiff ! " said 
 the voice (with a peculiar tartness of pronunciation), " what 
 art thou afraid of, that thou shouldest thus tremble, and 
 diffuse around thee such an unsavoury odour ? What thou 
 hearest is within thee — is part of thyself. I am one of those 
 atoms, or constituent particles of matter, which can neither 
 be annihilated, divided, nor impaired : the different arrange- 
 ments of us atoms, compose all the variety of objects and 
 essences which nature exhibits, or art can obtain. Of the 
 same shade, substance, and quality are the component par- 
 ticles, that harden in rock, and flow in water ; that blacken 
 in the negro, and brighten in the diamond ; that exhale 
 from a rose, and steam from a dunghill. Even now, ten 
 millions of atoms were dispersed in air by that odoriferous 
 gale, which the commotion of thy fear produced ; and I 
 can foresee that one of them will be consolidated in a fibre 
 of the olfactory nerve, belonging to a celebrated beauty, 
 whose nostril is excoriated by the immoderate use of plain 
 Spanish. Know, Nathaniel, that we atoms are singly endued 
 with such efficacy of reason, as cannot be expected in an 
 aggregate body, where we crowd and squeeze, and em- 
 barrass one another ! Yet, those ideas which we singly 
 possess, we cannot communicate, except once in a thousand 
 years, and then only, when we fill a certain place in the 
 pineal gland of a human creature, the very station which 
 I now maintain in thine. For the benefit of you miserable 
 mortals, I am determined to promulgate the history of one 
 period, during which I underwent some strange revolutions 
 in the empire of Japan, and was conscious of some political 
 anecdotes, now to be divulged for the instruction of British 
 ministers. Take up the pen, therefore, and write what I 
 shall unfold." 
 
 By this time my first apprehension vanished ; but another
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 257 
 
 fear, almost as terrible, usurped its place. I began to think 
 myself insane, and concluded that the voice was no other 
 than the fantastic undulation of a disturbed brain. I there- 
 fore preferred an earnest orison at the throne of grace, that 
 I might be restored to the fruition of my right understanding 
 and judgment. " O incredulous wretch ! " exclaimed the 
 voice, " I will now convince thee that this is no phantasma 
 or hideous dream. Answer me, dost thou know the meaning 
 and derivation of the word atom ? " — I replied, " No, 
 verily." — " Then I will tell thee," said the voice ; " thou 
 shalt write it down without delay, and consult the curate 
 of the parish on the same subject. If his explanation and 
 mine agree, thou wilt then be firmly persuaded that I am 
 an actual, independent existence ; and that this address is 
 not the vague delirium of a disordered brain. Atomos is 
 a Greek word, signifying indivisible particle, derived from 
 alpha privativa and temno, to cut." 
 
 I marvelled much at this injunction, which, however, 
 I literally obeyed ; and next morning sallied forth to visit 
 the habitation of the curate : but in going thither, it was 
 my hap to encounter a learned physician of my acquaintance, 
 who hath read all the books that ever were published in any 
 nation or language : to him I referred for the derivation 
 of the word atom. He paused a little, threw up his eyes 
 to heaven, stroked his chin with great solemnity, and hem- 
 ming three times, " Greek, sir," said he, " is more familiar 
 to me than my native tongue. I have conversed, sir, with 
 Homer and Plato, Hesiod and Theophrastus, Herodotus, 
 Thucydides, Hippocrates, Aretaeus, Pindar, and Sophocles, 
 and all the poets and historians of antiquity. Sir, my library 
 cost me two thousand pounds. I have spent as much more 
 in making experiments ; and you must know that I have 
 discovered certain chemical specifics, which I would not 
 divulge for fifty times the sum. As for the word atomos 
 or atimc, it signifies a scoundrel, sir, or as it were, sir, 
 a thing of no estimation. It is derived, sir, from alpha 
 privativa, and time, honour. Hence wc call a skeleton an 
 atomy, because, sir, the bones arc, as it were, dishonoured 
 
 17
 
 258 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 by being stripped of their clothing, and exposed in their 
 nakedness." 
 
 I was sorely vexed at this interpretation, and my appre- 
 hension of lunacy recurred : nevertheless, I proceeded 
 in my way to the lodgings of the curate, and desired his 
 explanation, which tallied exactly with what I had written. 
 At my return to my own house, I ascended to my study, 
 asked pardon of my internal monitor ; and taking pen, ink, 
 and paper, sat down to write what it dictated in the following 
 strain. 
 
 It was in the era of Foggien,* one thousand years ago, 
 that fate determined I should exist in the empire of Japan, 
 where I underwent a great number of vicissitudes, till, at 
 length, I was enclosed in a grain of rice, eaten by a Dutch 
 mariner at Firanco, and, becoming a particle of his body, 
 brought to the Cape of Good Hope. There I was dis- 
 charged in a scorbutic dysentery, taken up in a heap of soil 
 to manure a garden, raised to vegetation in a salad, devoured 
 by an English supercargo, assimilated to a certain organ 
 of his body, which, at his return to London, being diseased 
 in consequence of impure contact, I was again separated, 
 with a considerable portion of putrified flesh, thrown upon 
 a dunghill, gobbled up, and digested by a duck, of which 
 duck your father, Ephraim Peacock, having eaten plentifully 
 at a feast of cordwainers, I was mixed with his circulating 
 juices, and finally fixed in the principal part of that animal- 
 cule, which, in process of time, expanded itself into thee, 
 Nathaniel Peacock. 
 
 Having thus particularised my transmigrations since my 
 conveyance from Japan, I shall return thither, and unfold 
 some curious particulars of state-intrigue, carried on during 
 the short period, the history of which I mean to record : 
 I need not tell thee, that the empire of Japan consists of 
 three large islands ; or that the people who inhabit them 
 are such inconsistent, capricious animals, that one would 
 imagine they were created for the purpose of ridicule. 
 
 * The history of Japan is divided into three different eras, 
 of which Foggien is the most considerable.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 259 
 
 Their minds are in continual agitation, like a shuttlecock 
 tossed to and fro, in order to divert the demons of philo- 
 sophy and folly. A Japanese, without the intervention 
 of any visible motive, is, by turns, merry and pensive, super- 
 ficial and profound, generous and illiberal, rash and circum- 
 spect, courageous and fearful, benevolent and cruel. They 
 seem to have no fixed principle of action, no certain plan 
 of conduct, no effectual rudder to steer them through the 
 voyage of life ; but to be hurried down the rapid tide of 
 each revolving whim, or driven, the sport of every gust of 
 passion that happens to blow. A Japanese will sing at a 
 funeral, and sigh at a wedding ; he will this hour talk 
 ribaldry with a prostitute, and the next immerse himself 
 in the study of metaphysics or theology. In favour of one 
 stranger, he will exert all the virtues of hospitality ; against 
 another, he will exercise all the animosity of the most sordid 
 prejudice ; one minute sees him hazarding his all on the 
 success of the most extravagant project ; another beholds 
 him hesitating in lending a few copans* to his friend on 
 undeniable security. To-day, he is afraid of cutting his 
 corns ; to-morrow, he scruples not to cut his own throat. 
 At one season, he will give half his fortune to the poor ; 
 at another, he will not bestow the smallest pittance to save 
 his brother from indigence and distress. He is elated to 
 insolence by the least gleam of success ; he is dejected to 
 despondence by the slightest turn of adverse fortune. One 
 hour he doubts the best established truths ; the next, he 
 swallows the most improbable fiction. His praise and his 
 censure are what a wise man would choose to avoid, as evils 
 equally pernicious : the first is generally raised without 
 foundation, and carried to such extravagance, as to expose 
 the object to the ridicule of mankind ; the last is often 
 unprovoked, yet usually inflamed to all the rage of the most 
 malignant persecution. He will extol above Alexander the 
 Great, a petty officer who robs a hen-roost ; and damn, to 
 infamy, a general, for not performing impossibilities. The 
 
 * Copan is a gold coin used in Japan, value about forty-three 
 shillings.
 
 260 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 same man whom he yesterday flattered with the most fulsome 
 adulation, he will to-morrow revile with the most bitter 
 abuse ; and at the turning of a straw, take into his bosom 
 the very person whom he has formerly defamed as the most 
 perfidious rascal. 
 
 The Japanese value themselves much upon their constitu- 
 tion, and are very clamorous about the words liberty and 
 property ; yet, in fact, the only liberty they enjoy is to get 
 drunk whenever they please, to revile the Government, and 
 quarrel with one another. With respect to their property, 
 they are the tamest animals in the world ; and, if properly 
 managed, undergo, without wincing, such impositions, as 
 no other nation in the world would bear. In this particular, 
 they may be compared to an ass, that will crouch under the 
 most unconscionable burden, provided you scratch his long 
 ears, and allow him to bray his belly-full. They are so 
 practicable, that they have suffered their pockets to be 
 drained, their veins to be emptied, and their credit to be 
 cracked, by the most bungling administrations, to gratify 
 the avarice, pride, and ambition of the most sordid and 
 contemptible sovereigns that ever sat upon the throne. 
 
 The methods used for accomplishing these purposes are 
 extremely simple. You have seen a dancing bear incensed 
 to a dangerous degree of rage, and all at once appeased by 
 firing a pistol over his nose. The Japanese, even in their 
 most ferocious moods, when they denounce vengeance 
 against the Cuboy, or minister, and even threaten the throne 
 itself, are easily softened into meekness and condescension. 
 A set of tall fellows, hired for the purpose, tickle them under 
 the noses with long straws, into a gentle convulsion, during 
 which they shut their eyes, and smile, and quietly suffer 
 their pockets to be turned inside out. Nay, what is still 
 more remarkable, the ministry is in possession of a pipe, or 
 rather bullock's horn, which being sounded to a particular 
 pitch, has such an effect on the ears and understanding of 
 the people, that they allow their pockets to be picked with 
 their eyes open, and are bribed to betray their own interests 
 with their own money, as easily as if the treasure had come
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 261 
 
 from the remotest corner of the globe. Notwithstanding 
 these capricious peculiarities, the Japanese are become a 
 wealthy and powerful people, partly from their insular 
 situation, and partly from a spirit of commercial adventure, 
 sustained by all the obstinacy of perseverance, and conducted 
 by repeated flashes of good sense, which almost incessantly 
 gleam through the chaos of their absurdities. 
 
 Japan was originally governed by monarchs who possessed 
 an absolute power, and succeeded by hereditary right, under 
 the title of Dairo. But in the beginning of the period 
 Foggien, this emperor became a cypher, and the whole 
 administration devolved into the hands of the prime minister, 
 or Cuboy, who now exercises all the power and authority, 
 leaving the trappings of royalty to the inactive Dairo. The 
 prince who held the reins of government in the short period 
 which I intend to record was not a lineal descendant of the 
 ancient Dairos, the immediate succession having failed, but 
 sprung from a collateral branch which was invited from a 
 foreign country in the person of Bupo, in honour of whom 
 the Japanese erected Fakku-basi,* or the temple of the white 
 horse. So much were all his successors devoted to the 
 culture of this idol, which, by the bye, was made of the vilest 
 materials, that, in order to enrich his shrine, they impover- 
 ished the whole empire, yet still with the connivance, and 
 by the influence of the Cuboy, who gratified this sordid 
 passion or superstition of the Dairo with a view to prevent 
 him from employing his attention on matters of greater 
 consequence. 
 
 Nathaniel, you have heard of the transmigration of souls, 
 a doctrine avowed by one Pythagoras, a philosopher of 
 Crotona. This doctrine, though discarded and reprobated 
 by Christians, is nevertheless sound, and orthodox, I affirm 
 on the integrity of an atom. Further I shall not explain 
 myself on this subject, though I might with safety set the 
 convocation and the whole hierarchy at defiance, knowing 
 as I do, that it is not in their power to make me bate one 
 
 * Vide Kcmpfer, lib. i.
 
 262 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 particle of what I advance ; or, if they should endeavour to 
 reach me through your organs, and even condemn you to 
 the stake at Smithfield, verily, I say unto thee, I should be 
 a gainer by the next remove. I should shift my quxrter from 
 a very cold and empty tenement, which I now occupy in the 
 brain of a poor haberdasher, to the nervous plexus situated 
 at the mouth of the stomach of a fat alderman fed with 
 venison and turtle. 
 
 But to return to Pythagoras, whom one of your wise 
 countrymen denominated Peter Gore, the wiseacre of Croton, 
 you must know that philosopher was a type, which had not 
 been fully unveiled. That he taught the metempsychosis, 
 explained the nature and property of harmonies, demon- 
 strated the motion of the earth, discovered the elements of 
 geometry and arithmetic, enjoined his disciples silence, and 
 abstained from eating anything that was ever informed by 
 the breath of life ; are circumstances known to all the learned 
 world : but his veneration for beans, which cost him his life, 
 his golden thigh, his adventures in the character of a courte- 
 san, his golden verses, his epithet of avro<s ecf>a, the fable 
 of his being born of a virgin, and his descent into hell, are 
 mysteries in which some of the most important truths are 
 concealed. — Between friends, honest Nathaniel, I myself 
 constituted part of that sage's body ; and I could say a great 
 deal — but there is a time for all things. — I shall only observe, 
 that Philip Tessier had some reason for supposing Pythagoras 
 to have been a monk ; and there are shrewd hints in Meyer's 
 dissertation, Utrum Pythagoras Judarus fuit, an monachus 
 Carmelita. 
 
 Waiving these intricate discussions for the present (though 
 I cannot help disclosing that Pythagoras was actually cir- 
 cumcised), know, Peacock, that the metempsychosis, or, 
 transmigration of souls, is the method which nature and fate 
 constantly pursue, in animating the creatures produced on 
 the face of the earth ; and this process, with some variation, 
 is such as the eleusinian mysteries imported, and such as you 
 have read in Dryden's translation of the sixth book of 
 Virgil's /Eneid. The gods have provided a great magazine,
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 263 
 
 or diversorium, to which the departed souls of all animals 
 repair at their dismission from the body. Here they are 
 bathed in the waters of oblivion until they retain no memory 
 of the scenes through which they have passed ; but they still 
 preserve their original crasis and capacity. From this 
 repository, all new-created beings are supplied with souls ; 
 and these souls transmigrate into different animals, according 
 to the pleasure of the great disposer. For example, my good 
 friend Nathaniel Peacock, your own soul has within these 
 hundred years threaded a goat, a spider, and a bishop ; and 
 its next stage will be the carcase of a brewer's horse. 
 
 In what manner we atoms come by these articles of 
 intelligence, whether by intuition, or communication of 
 ideas, it is not necessary that you should conceive. Suffice 
 it to say, the gods were merry on the follies of mankind, and 
 Mercury undertook to exhibit a mighty nation, ruled and 
 governed by the meanest intellects that could be found in 
 the repository of pre-existing spirits. He laid the scene in 
 Japan, about the middle of the period Foggien, when that 
 nation was at peace with all her neighbours. Into the mass, 
 destined to sway the sceptre, he infused, at the very article 
 of conception, the spirit, which in course of strangulation 
 had been expelled a posteriori from a goose, killed on purpose 
 to regale the appetite of the mother. The animalcule, thus 
 inspired, was born, and succeeded to the throne, under the 
 name of Got-hama-baba. His whole life and conversation 
 was no other than a repetition of the humours he had dis- 
 played in his last character. He was rapacious, shallow, 
 hot-headed, and perverse ; in point of understanding, just 
 sufficient to appear in public without a slavering-bib ; im- 
 bued with no knowledge, illumined by no sentiment, and 
 warmed with no affection ; except a blind attachment to 
 the worship of Fakku-basi, which seemed indeed to be a 
 disease in his constitution. His heart was meanly selfish, 
 and his disposition altogether unprincely. 
 
 Of all his recreations, that which he delighted in most was, 
 kicking the breech of his Cuboy, or prime minister, an exercise 
 which he every day performed in private. It was therefore
 
 264 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 necessary that a Cuboy should be found to undergo this 
 diurnal operation without repining. This was a circum- 
 stance foreseen and provided for by Mercury, who, a little 
 after the conception of Got-hama-baba, impregnated the 
 ovum of a future Cuboy, and implanted in it a changing soul, 
 which had successively passed through the bodies of an ass, 
 a dottrel, an apple-woman, and a cowboy. It was diverting 
 enough to see the rejoicings with which the birth of this 
 Quanbuku* was celebrated ; and still more so, to observe the 
 marks of fond admiration in the parents, as the soul of the 
 cowboy proceeded to expand itself in the young Cuboy. 
 This is a species of diversion we atoms often enjoy. We at 
 different times behold the same spirit hunted down in a hare, 
 and cried up in a Hector ; fawning in a prostitute, and 
 bribing in a minister ; breaking forth in a whistle at the 
 plough, and in a sermon from the pulpit ; impelling a hog to 
 the stye, and a counsellor to the cabinet ; prompting a 
 shoe-boy to filch, and a patriot to harangue ; squinting in 
 a goat, and smiling in a matron. 
 
 Tutors of all sorts were provided betimes for the young 
 Quanbuku, but his genius rejected all cultivation ; at least 
 the crops it produced were barren and ungrateful. He was 
 distinguished by the name of Fika-kaka, and caressed as the 
 heir of an immense fortune. Nay, he was really considered 
 as one of the most hopeful young Quanbukus in the empire 
 of Japan ; for his want of ideas was attended with a total 
 absence of pride, insolence, or any other disagreeable vice : 
 indeed, his character was founded upon negatives. He had 
 no understanding, no economy, no courage, no industry, no 
 steadiness, no discernment, no vigour, no retention. He 
 was reputed generous and good-humoured ; but was really 
 profuse, chicken-hearted, negligent, fickle, blundering, weak, 
 and leaky. All these qualifications were agitated by an 
 eagerness, haste, and impatience, that completed the most 
 ludicrous composition which human nature ever produced. 
 He appeared always in hurry and confusion, as if he had lost 
 
 * Quanbuku is a dignity of the first order in Japan.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 265 
 
 his wits in the morning, and was in quest of them all day. — 
 Let me whisper a secret to you, my good friend Peacock. 
 All this bustle and trepidation proceeded from a hollowness 
 in the brain, forming a kind of eddy, in which his animal 
 spirits were hurried about in a perpetual twirl. Had it not 
 been for this Lusus Naturte, the circulation would not have 
 been sufficient for the purposes of animal life. Had the 
 whole world been searched by the princes thereof, it would 
 not have produced another to have matched this half-witted 
 original, to whom the administration of a mighty empire 
 was wholly consigned. Notwithstanding all the care that 
 was taken of his education, Fika-kaka never could comprehend 
 any art or science, except that of dancing bare-headed among 
 the Bonzes at the great festival of Cambadoxi. The extent 
 of his knowledge in arithmetic went no farther than the 
 numeration of his ten fingers. In history, he had no idea 
 of what preceded a certain treaty with the Chinese, in the 
 reign of Queen Syko, who died within his own remembrance ; 
 and was so ignorant of geography, that he did not know that 
 his native country was surrounded by the sea. No system 
 of morality could he ever understand ; and of the fourteen 
 sects of religion that are permitted in Japan, the only dis- 
 cipline he could imbibe was a superstitious devotion for 
 Fakku-basi, the temple of the white horse. This, indeed, 
 was neither the fruit of doctrine, nor the result of reason ; 
 but a real instinct, implanted in his nature for fulfilling the 
 ends of Providence. His person was extremely awkward; 
 his eye vacant, though alarmed ; his speech thick and em- 
 barrassed ; his utterance ungraceful ; and his meaning 
 perplexed. With much difficulty he learned to write his 
 own name, and that of the Dairo ; and picked up a smattering 
 of the Chinese language, which was sometimes used at court. 
 In his youth, he freely conversed with women ; but, as he 
 advanced in age, he placed his chief felicity in the delights 
 of the table. He hired cooks from China at an enormous 
 expense, and drank huge quantities of the strong liquor 
 distilled from rice, which, by producing repeated intoxica- 
 tion, had an unlucky effect upon his brain, that was naturally
 
 266 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 of a loose, flimsy texture. The immoderate use of this 
 potation was likewise said to have greatly impaired his 
 retentive faculty ; inasmuch as he was subject, upon every 
 extraordinary emotion of spirit, to an involuntary discharge 
 from the last of the intestines. 
 
 Such was the character of Fika-kaka, entitled by his birth 
 to a prodigious estate, as well as to the honours of Quanbuku, 
 the first hereditary dignity in the empire. In consequence 
 of his high station, he was connected with all the great men 
 in Japan, and used to the court from his infancy. Here 
 it was he became acquainted with young Got-hama-baba, 
 his future sovereign ; and their souls being congenial, they 
 soon contracted an intimacy, which endured for life. They 
 were like twin particles of matter, which having been divorced 
 from one another by a most violent shock, had floated many 
 thousand years in the ocean of the universe, till at length 
 meeting by accident, and approaching within the spheres 
 of each other's attraction, they rush together with an eager 
 embrace, and continue united ever after. 
 
 The favour of the sovereign, added to the natural influence 
 arising from a vast fortune and great alliances, did not 
 fail to elevate Fika-kaka to the most eminent offices of the 
 state, until, at length, he attained to the dignity of Cuboy, 
 or chief minister, which virtually comprehends all the rest. 
 Here then was the strangest phenomenon that ever appeared 
 in the political world. A statesman without capacity or 
 the smallest tincture of human learning ; a secretary who 
 could not write ; a financier who did not understand the 
 multiplication-table ; and the treasurer of a vast empire, 
 who never could balance accounts with his own butler. 
 
 He was no sooner, for the diversion of the goods promoted 
 to the Cuboyship, than his vanity was pamperd, with all 
 sorts of adulation. He was in magnificence extelled above 
 the first Meckaddo, or line of emperors, to whom divine 
 honours had been paid ; equal in wisdom to Tensio-dai-sin, 
 the first founder of the Japanese monarchy ; braver than 
 Whey-vang, of the dynasty of Chew ; more learned than 
 Jacko, the chief pontiff of Japan ; more liberal than Shi-
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 267 
 
 wang-ti, who was possessed of the universal medicine ; and 
 more religious than Bupo, alias Robot, who, from a foreign 
 country, brought with him, on a white horse, a book called 
 Kio, containing the mysteries of his religion. 
 
 But, by none was he more cultivated than by the Bonzes, 
 or clergy, especially those of the University Frenoxena,* so 
 renowned for their learning, sermons, and oratory, who 
 actually chose him their supreme director, and every morning 
 adored him with a very singular rite of worship. This 
 attachment was the more remarkable, as Fika-kaka was known 
 to favour the sect of Nem-buds-ju, who distinguished them- 
 selves by the ceremony of circumcision. Some malicious 
 people did not scruple to whisper about, that he himself had 
 privately undergone the operation : but these, to my certain 
 knowledge, were the suggestions of falsehood and slander. 
 A slight scarification, indeed, it was once necessary to make, 
 on account of his health ; but this was no ceremony of any 
 religious worship. The truth was this. The Nem-buds-ju, 
 being few in number, and generally hated by the whole 
 nation, had recourse to the protection of Fika-kaka, which 
 they obtained for a valuable consideration. Then a law 
 was promulgated in their favour ; a step which was so far 
 from exciting the jealousy of the Bonzes, that there were not 
 above three, out of one hundred and fifty-nine thousand, 
 that opened their lips in disapprobation of the measure. 
 Such were the virtue and moderation of the Bonzes, 
 and so loth were they to disoblige their great director 
 Fika-kaka. 
 
 What rendered the knot of connection between the Dairo 
 Got-hama-baba, and this Cuboy, altogether indissoluble, was 
 a singular circumstance, which I shall now explain. Fika-kaka 
 not only devoted himself entirely to the gratification of his 
 master's prejudices and rapacity, even when they interfered 
 the most with the interest and reputation of Japan ; but he 
 also submitted personally to his capricious humours with 
 the most placid resignation. He presented his posteriors 
 
 ' Vide Hist. Ecclcs. Japan, vol. i.
 
 268 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 to be kicked as regularly as the day revolved ; and presented 
 them not barely with submission, but with all the appearance 
 of fond desire ; and truly this diurnal exposure was attended 
 with such delectation as he never enjoyed in any other 
 attitude. 
 
 To explain this matter, I must tell thee, Peacock, that 
 Fika-kaka was from his infancy afflicted with an itching of 
 the podex, which the learned Dr. Woodward would have 
 termed immanis atSoicov pruritus. That great naturalist 
 would have imputed it to a redundancy of cholicky salts, got 
 out of the stomach and guts into the blood, and thrown 
 upon these parts, and he would have attempted to 
 break their colluctations with oil, etc., but I, who know 
 the real causes of this disorder, smile at these whims of 
 philosophy. 
 
 Be that as it may, certain it is, all the most eminent phy- 
 sicians in Japan were consulted about this strange tickling 
 and tingling, and among these the celebrated Fan-sey, 
 whose spirit afterwards informed the body of Rabelais. 
 This experienced leech, having prescribed a course of 
 cathartics, balsamics, and sweeteners, on the supposition 
 that the blood was tainted with a scorbutical itch ; at 
 length found reason to believe that the disease was local. 
 He therefore tried the method of gentle friction : for which 
 purpose he used almost the very same substances which were 
 many centuries after applied by Gargantua to his own 
 posteriors ; such as a night-cap, a pillow-bier, a slipper, a 
 poke, a pannier, a beaver, a hen, a cock, a chicken, a calf-skin, 
 a hare-skin, a pigeon, a cormorant, a lawyer's bag, a lamprey, 
 a coif, a lure, nay even a goose's neck, without finding that 
 volupt'e mirifique au trou de cut, which was the portion of the 
 son of Grangousier. In short, there was nothing that gave 
 Fiki-kaka such respite f rom this tormenting titillation as did 
 smearing the parts with thick cream, which was afterwards 
 licked up by the rough tongue of a boar-cat. But the 
 administration of this remedy was once productive of a 
 disagreeable incident. In the meantime, the distemper 
 gaining ground became so troublesome, that the unfortunate
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 269 
 
 Quanbuku was incessantly in the fidgets, and ran about 
 distracted, cackling like a hen in labour. 
 
 The source of all this misfortune was the juxtaposition 
 of two atoms quarrelling for precedency, in this Cuboy's 
 seat of honour. Their pressing and squeezing, and elbowing 
 and jostling, though of no effect in discomposing one another, 
 occasioned all this irritation and titillation in the posteriors 
 of Fika-kaka. — What ! dost thou mutter, Peacock ? Dost 
 thou presume to question my veracity ? Now by the indivi- 
 sible rotundity of an atom, I have a good mind, caitiff, to 
 raise such a buzzing commotion in thy glandula pinealis, that 
 thou shalt run distracted over the face of the earth, like Io, 
 when she was stung by Juno's gad-fly ! What ! thou who 
 hast been wrapped from the cradle in visions of mystery and 
 revelation, swallowed impossibilities like lamb's wool, and 
 digested doctrines harder than iron three times quenched 
 in the Ebro ! thou to demur at what I assert upon the evi- 
 dence and faith of my own consciousness and consistency ! — 
 Oh ! you capitulate ; well, then beware of a relapse — you 
 know a relapsed heretic finds no mercy. 
 
 I say, while Fika-kaka's podex was the scene of contention 
 between two turbulent atoms, I had the honour to be posted 
 immediately under the nail of the Dairo's great toe, which 
 happened one day to itch more than usual for occupation. 
 The Cuboy presenting himself at that instant, and turning 
 his face from his master, Got-hama-baba performed the 
 exercise with such uncommon vehemence, that first his 
 slipper, and then his toe-nail flew off, after having made a 
 small breach in the perineum of Fika-kaka. By the same 
 effort I was divorced from the great toe of the sovereign, 
 and lodged near the great gut of his minister, exactly in the 
 interstice between the two hostile particles, which were thus 
 in some measure restrained from wrangling : though it was 
 not in my power to keep the peace entirely. Nevertheless, 
 Fika-kaka's torture was immediately suspended ; and he 
 was even seized with an orgasm of pleasure, analogous to 
 that which characterises the ecstasy of love. 
 
 Think not, however, Peacock, that I would adduce this
 
 270 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 circumstance as a proof that pleasure and pain are mere 
 relations, which can exist only as they are contrasted. No, 
 pleasure and pain are simple, independent ideas, incapable 
 of definition ; and this which Fika-kaka felt was an ecstasy 
 compounded of positive pleasure ingrafted upon the re- 
 moval of pain ; but whether this positive pleasure de- 
 pended upon a particular centre of percussion hit upon by 
 accident, or was the inseparable effect of a kicking and 
 scratching conferred by a royal foot and toe, I shall not at 
 present unfold : neither will I demonstrate the modus 
 operandi on the nervous papillae of Fika-kaka's breech, 
 whether by irritation, relaxation, undulation, or vibration. 
 Were these essential discoveries communicated, human 
 philosophy would become too arrogant. It was but the 
 other day that Newton made shift to dive into some sub- 
 altern laws of matter ; to explain the revolution of the 
 planets, and analyse the composition of light ; and ever 
 since, that reptile man has believed itself a demi-god — I 
 hope to see the day when the petulant philosopher shall be 
 driven back to his Categories, and the Organum Universale 
 of Aristotle his ovata, his v\r], and his vTroKeifjievov. 
 
 But waiving these digressions, the pleasure which the 
 Cuboy felt from the application of the Dairo's toe-nail was 
 succeeded by a kind of tension or stiffness, which began to 
 grow troublesome just as he reached his own palace, where 
 the Bonzes were assembled to offer up their diurnal incense. 
 Instinct, on this occasion, performed what could hardly 
 have been expected from the most extraordinary talents. 
 At sight of a grizzled beard belonging to one of those vener- 
 able doctors, he was struck with the idea of a powerful 
 assuager ; and taking him into his cabinet, proposed that 
 he should make oral application to the part affected. The 
 proposal was embraced without hesitation, and the effect 
 even transcended the hope of the Cuboy. The osculation 
 itself was soft, warm, emollient, and comfortable ; but 
 when the nervous papillae were gently stroked, and as 
 it were fondled by the long, elastic, peristaltic, abstersive 
 fibres that composed this reverend verriculum, such a
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 271 
 
 delectable titillation ensued, that Fika-kaka was quite in 
 raptures. 
 
 That which he intended at first for a medicine he now 
 converted into an article of luxury. All the Bonzes who 
 enrolled themselves in the number of his dependants, whether 
 old or young, black or fair, rough or smooth, were enjoined 
 every day to perform this additional and posterior rite of 
 worship, so productive of delight to the Cuboy, that he was 
 every morning impatient to receive the Dairo's calcitration, 
 or rather his pedestrian digitation ; after which he flew with 
 all the eagerness of desire to the subsequent part of his 
 entertainment. 
 
 The transports thus produced seemed to disarrange his 
 whole nervous system, and produce an odd kind of revolution 
 in his fancy ; for though he was naturally grave, and indeed 
 overwhelmed with constitutional hebetude, he became, in 
 consequence of this periodical tickling, the most giddy, pert 
 buffoon in nature. All was grinning, giggling, laughing, 
 and prating, except when his fears intervened ; then he 
 started and stared, and cursed and prayed by turns. There 
 was but one barber in the whole empire that would undertake 
 to shave him, so ticklish and unsteady he was under the 
 hands of the operator. He could not sit above one minute 
 in the same attitude, or on the same seat ; but shifted about 
 from couch to chair, from chair to stool, from stool to close- 
 stool, with incessant rotation, and all the time gave audience 
 to those who solicited his favour and protection. To all 
 and several he promised his best offices and confirmed these 
 promises with oaths and protestations. One he took by 
 the hand ; another he hugged ; a third he kissed on both 
 sides of the face ; with a fourth he whispered ; a fifth he 
 honoured with a familiar horse-laugh. He never had 
 courage to refuse even that which he could not possibly 
 grant ; and at last his tongue actually forgot how to pro- 
 nounce the negative particle ; but as in the English language 
 two negatives amount to an affirmative, five hundred 
 affirmatives in the mouth of Fika-kaka did not altogether 
 destroy the efficacy of simple negation. A promise five
 
 272 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 hundred times repeated and at every repetition confirmed 
 by oath, barely amounted to a computable chance of per- 
 formance. 
 
 It must be allowed, however, he promoted a great number 
 of Bonzes, and in this promotion he manifested an uncommon 
 taste. They were preferred according to the colour of their 
 beards. He found, by experience, that beards of different 
 colours yielded him different degrees of pleasure in the 
 friction we have described above ; and the provision he 
 made for each was in proportion to the satisfaction the 
 candidate could afford. The sensation ensuing from the 
 contact of a grey beard was soft and delicate, and agreeably 
 demulcent, when the parts were unusually inflamed ; a red, 
 yellow, or brindled beard, was in request when the business 
 was to thrill or tingle ; but a black beard was of all others the 
 most honoured by Fika-kaka, not only on account of its 
 fleecy feel, equally spirited and balsamic, but also for another 
 philosophical reason, which I shall now explain. You know, 
 Peacock, that black colour absorbs the rays of light, and 
 detains them as it were in a repository. Thus a black beard, 
 like the back of a black cat, becomes a phosphorus in the dark, 
 and emits sparkles upon friction. You must know that one 
 of the gravest doctors of the Bonzes, who had a private 
 request to make, desired an audience of Fika-kaka in his 
 closet at night, and the taper falling down by accident, at 
 that very instant when his beard was in contact with the 
 Cuboy's seat of honour, the electrical snap was heard, and 
 the part illuminated, to the astonishment of the spectators, 
 who looked upon it as a prelude to the apotheosis of Fika- 
 kaka. Being made acquainted with this phenomenon, the 
 minister was exceeding elevated in his own mind. He 
 rejoiced in it as a communication of divine efficacy, and 
 raised the happy Bonze to the rank of Pontifex Maximus, or 
 chief priest, in the temple of Fakku-basi. In the course of 
 experiments, he found that all black beards were electrical 
 in the same degree, and being ignorant of philosophy, ascribed 
 it to some supernatural virtue, in consequence of which they 
 were promoted as the holiest of the Bonzes. But you and
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 273 
 
 I know, that such a phosphorus is obtained from the most 
 worthless and corrupted materials, such as rotten wood, 
 putrified veal, and stinking whiting. 
 
 Fika-kaka, such as I described him, could not possibly act 
 in the character of Cuboy, without the assistance of coun- 
 sellors and subalterns, who understood the detail of govern- 
 ment and the forms of business. He was accordingly 
 surrounded by a number of satellites, who reflected his lustre 
 in their several spheres of rotation ; and though their 
 immersions and emersions were apparently abrupt and 
 irregular, formed a kind of luminous belt as pale and 
 comfortless as the ring of Saturn, the most distant, cold, and 
 baleful of all the planets. 
 
 The most remarkable of these subordinates, was Sti-phi- 
 rum-poo, a man who, from a low plebeian origin, had raised 
 himself to one of the first offices of the empire, to the dignity 
 of Quo, or nobleman, and a considerable share of the Dairo's 
 personal regard. He owed his whole success to his industry, 
 assiduity, and circumspection. During the former part of 
 his life, he studied the laws of Japan with such severity 
 of application, that though unassisted by the least gleam of 
 genius, and destitute of the smallest pretensions to talent, 
 he made himself master of all the written ordinances, all the 
 established customs, and forms of proceeding in the different 
 tribunals of the empire. In the progress of his vocation, 
 he became an advocate of some eminence, and even acquired 
 reputation for polemical eloquence, though his manner was 
 ever dry, laboured, and unpleasant. Being elevated to the 
 station of a judge, he so far justified the interest by which 
 he had been promoted, that his honesty was never called into 
 question ; and his sentences were generally allowed to be 
 just and upright. He heard causes with the most painful 
 attention, seemed to be indefatigable in his researches after 
 truth ; and though he was forbidding in his aspect, slow in 
 deliberation, tedious in discussion, and cold in his address ; 
 yet I must own he was also unbiassed in his decisions. I 
 mean, unbiassed by any consciousness of sinister motive : 
 for a man may be biassed by the nature of his disposition, as 
 
 18
 
 274 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 well as by prejudices acquired, and yet not guilty of inten- 
 tional partiality. Sti-phi-rum-poo was scrupulously just, 
 according to his own ideas of justice, and consequently well 
 qualified to decide in common controversies. But in 
 delicate cases, which required an uncommon share of pene- 
 tration — when the province of a supreme judge is to mitigate 
 the severity, and sometimes even deviate from the dead 
 letter of the common law, in favour of particular institutions, 
 or of humanity in general — he had neither genius to en- 
 lighten his understanding, sentiment to elevate his mind, 
 nor courage to surmount the petty inclosures of ordinary 
 practice. He was accused of avarice and cruelty ; but, in 
 fact, these were not active passions in his heart. The 
 conduct which seemed to justify these imputations was 
 wholly owing to a total want of taste and generosity. The 
 nature of his post furnished him with opportunities to 
 accumulate riches ; and as the narrowness of his mind 
 admitted no ideas of elegance or refined pleasure, he knew 
 not how to use his wealth so as to avoid the charge of a sordid 
 disposition. His temper was not rapacious but attentive : 
 he knew not the use of wealth, and therefore did not use it 
 at all : but was in this particular neither better nor worse 
 than a strong box for the convenience and advantage of his 
 heir. The appearance of cruelty remarkable in his counsels, 
 relating to some wretched insurgents who had been taken 
 in open rebellion, and the rancorous pleasure he seemed to 
 feel in pronouncing sentence of death by self-exenteration,* 
 was in fact the gratification of a dastardly heart, which had 
 never acknowledged the least impulse of any liberal sentiment. 
 This being the case, mankind ought not to impute that to 
 his guilt which was, in effect, the consequence of his in- 
 firmity. A man might, with equal justice, be punished for 
 being purblind. Sti-phi-rum-poo was much more culpable 
 for seeking to shine in a sphere for which nature never 
 intended him ; I mean for commencing statesman, and 
 
 * A gentleman capitally convicted in Japan is allowed the 
 privilege of anticipating the common executioner by ripping out 
 his own bowels.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 275 
 
 intermeddling in the machine of government : yet even into 
 this character he was forced, as it were, by the opinion and 
 injunctions of Fika-kaka, who employed him at first in making 
 speeches for the Dairo, which that prince used to pronounce 
 in public, at certain seasons of the year. These speeches 
 being tolerably well received by the populace, the Cuboy 
 conceived an extraordinary opinion of his talents ; and 
 thought him extremely well qualified to ease him of great 
 part of the burthen of government. He found him very 
 well disposed to engage heartily in his interests. Then he 
 was admitted to the osculation a -posteriori ; and though 
 his beard was not black, but rather of a subfuscan hue, he 
 managed it with such dexterity, that Fika-kaka declared the 
 salute gave him unspeakable pleasure : while the bystanders 
 protested that the contact produced not simply electrical 
 sparks or scintillations, but even a perfect irradiation, which 
 seemed altogether supernatural. From this moment Sti- 
 phi-rum-poo was initiated in the mysteries of the cabinet, 
 and even introduced to the person of the Dairo Got-hama- 
 baba, whose pedestrian favours he shared with his new patron. 
 It was observed, however, th?i even after his promotion 
 and nobilitation, he still retained his original awkwardness, 
 and never could acquire that graceful ease of attitude with 
 which the Cuboy presented his parts averse to the contempla- 
 tion of his sovereign. Indeed, this minister's body was so 
 well moulded for the celebration of the rite, that one would 
 have imagined nature had formed him expressly for that 
 purpose, with his head and body projecting forwards, so as 
 to form an angle of forty-five with the horizon, while the 
 plutau muscles swelled backwards, as if ambitious to meet 
 half way the imperial encounter. 
 
 The third connection that strengthened this political 
 band was Nin-kom-poo-po, commander of the Fung, or 
 navy of Japan, who, if ever man was, might surely be termed 
 the child of fortune. He was bred to the sea from his 
 infancy, and, in the course of pacific service, rose to the 
 command of a jonkh, when he was so lucky as to detect a 
 crew of pirates employed on a desolate shore, in concealing
 
 276 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 a hoard of money which they had taken from the merchants 
 of Corea. Nin-kom-poo-po falling in with them at night, 
 attacked them unawares, and having obtained an easy victory, 
 carried off the treasure. I cannot help being amused at 
 the folly of you silly mortals, when I recollect the transports 
 of the people, at the return of this fortunate officer, with a 
 paltry mass of silver, parading in covered waggons, escorted 
 by his crew in arms. The whole city of Meaco resounded 
 with acclamations ; and Nin-kom-poo-po was extolled as 
 the greatest hero that ever the empire of Japan produced, 
 The Cuboy honoured him with five kisses in public ; ac- 
 cepted of the osculation in private, recommended him in 
 the strongest terms to the Dairo, who promoted him to 
 the rank of Sey-seo-gun, or general at sea. He professed 
 himself an adherent to the Cuboy, entered into a strict 
 alliance with Sti-phi-rum-poo, and the whole management 
 of the Fune was consigned into his hands. With respect 
 to his understanding, it was just sufficient to comprehend 
 the duties of a common mariner, and to follow the ordinary 
 route of the most sordid avarice. As to his heart, he might 
 be said to be in a state of total apathy, without principle 
 or passion ; for I cannot afford the name of passion to such 
 a vile appetite as an insatiable thirst of lucre. He was, 
 indeed, so cold and forbidding, that in Japan, the people 
 distinguished him by a nickname equivalent to the English 
 word Salamander ; not that he was inclined to live in fire, 
 but that the coldness of his heart would have extinguished 
 any fire it had approached. Some individuals imagined he 
 had been begot upon a mermaid by a sailor of Kamtschatka ; 
 but this was a mere fable. I can assure you, however, that 
 when his lips were in contact with the Cuboy's posteriors, 
 Fika-kaka's teeth were seen to chatter. The pride of thL 
 animal was equal to his frigidity. He affected to establish 
 new regulations at the council where he presided : he treated 
 his equals with insolence, and his superiors with contempt. 
 Other people generally rejoice in obliging their fellow- 
 creatures, when they can do it without prejudice to their 
 own interest. Nin-kom-poo-po had a repulsive power in
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 277 
 
 his disposition ; and seemed to take pleasure in denying a 
 request. When this vain creature, selfish, inelegant, arrogant, 
 and uncouth, appeared in all his trappings at the Dairo's 
 court, upon a festival, he might have been justly compared 
 unto a Lapland idol of ice, adorned with a profusion of brass 
 leaf, and trinkets of pewter. In the direction of the Fune, 
 he was provided with a certain number of assessors, counsellors 
 or co-adjutors ; but these he never consulted, more than if 
 they had been wooden images. He distributed his com- 
 mands among his own dependants ; and left all the forms 
 of the office to the care of the scribe, who thus became 
 so necessary, that his influence sometimes had well-nigh 
 interfered with that of the president : nay, they have been 
 seen, like the electrical spheres of two bodies, repelling each 
 other. Hence it was observed, that the office of the Sey-seo- 
 gunsialty resembled the serpent called Amphisbaena, which, 
 contrary to the formation of other animals in head and tail, 
 has a head where the tail should be. Well indeed might 
 they compare them to a serpent, in creeping, cunning, 
 coldness, and /enom ; but the comparison would have held 
 with more propriety had nature produced a serpent, without 
 ever a head at all. 
 
 The fourth who contributed his credit and capacity 
 to this coalition, was Foksi-roku, a man who greatly surpassed 
 them all in the science of politics, bold, subtle, interested, 
 insinuating, ambitious, and indefatigable. An adventurer 
 from his cradle ; a latitudinarian in principle, a libertine in 
 morals, without the advantages of birth, fortune, character, 
 or interest ; by his own natural sagacity, a close attention 
 to the follies and foibles of mankind, a projecting spirit, 
 an invincible assurance, and an obstinacy of perseverance, 
 proof against all the shocks of disappointment and repulse ; 
 he forced himself, as it were, into the scale of preferment ; 
 and being found equally capable and compliant, rose to high 
 offices of trust and profit, detested by the people, as one of the 
 most desperate tools of a wicked administration ; and odious 
 
 to his colleagues in the m y, for his superior talents, 
 
 his restless ambition, and the uncertainty of his attachment.
 
 278 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 As interest prompted him, he hovered between the 
 triumvirate we have described, and another knot of com- 
 petitors for the ad r>, headed by the Quamba-cun-dono, 
 
 a great Quo related to the Dairo, who had borne the supreme 
 command in the army, and was styled Fatz-man,* kclt' k£oxr)v 
 or by way of eminence. This accomplished prince was 
 not only the greatest in his mind, but also the largest in his 
 person, of all the subjects of Japan ; and whereas your 
 Shakespeare makes Falstaff urge it as a plea in his own favour, 
 that as he had more flesh, so likewise he had more frailty 
 than other men ; I may justly convert the proposition in 
 favour of Quamba-cun-dono, and affirm, that as he had 
 more flesh, so he had more virtue than any other Japanese ; 
 more bowels, more humanity, more beneficence, more 
 affability. He was undoubtedly, for a Fatzman, the most 
 courteous, the most gallant, the most elegant, generous, 
 and munificent Quo, that ever adorned the court of Japan. 
 So consummate in the art of war, that the whole world could 
 not produce a general to match him, in foresight, vigilance, 
 conduct, and ability. Indeed his intellects were so extra- 
 ordinary and extensive, that he seemed to sentimentalise 
 at every pore, and to have the faculty of thinking diffused 
 all over his frame, even to his finger ends : or, as the Latins 
 call it, ad ungnrm : nay, so wonderful was his organical 
 conformation, that, in the opinion of many Japanese philoso- 
 phers, his whole body was enveloped in a kind of poultice 
 of brain, and that if he had lost his head in battle, the 
 damage, with regard to his power of reflection, would have 
 been scarce perceptible. After he had achieved many 
 glorious exploits, in a war against the Chinese on the con- 
 tinent, he was sent with a strong army, to quell a dangerous 
 insurrection, in the northern parts of Ximo, which is one 
 of the Japanese islands. He accordingly by his valour 
 crushed the rebellion ; and afterwards, by dint of clemency 
 and discretion, extinguished the last embers of disaffection. 
 When the insurgents were defeated, dispersed, and disarmed, 
 
 * Vide Kempfer, Amcenitat. Japan.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 279 
 
 and a sufficient number selected for example, his humanity 
 emerged, and took full possession of his breast. He con- 
 sidered them as wretched men misled by false principles 
 of honour, and sympathised with their distress : he pitied 
 them as men and fellow-citizens : he regarded them as 
 useful fellow-subjects, who might be reclaimed, and reunited 
 to the community. Instead of sending out the ministers 
 of blood, rapine, and revenge, to ravage, burn, and destroy, 
 without distinction of age, sex, or principle ; he extended 
 the arms of mercy to all who would embrace that indulgence : 
 he protected the lives and habitations of the helpless, and 
 diminished the number of malcontents, much more effec- 
 tually by his benevolence, than by his sword. 
 
 The southern Japanese had been terribly alarmed at this 
 insurrection, and in the first transports of their deliverance, 
 voluntarily taxed themselves with a considerable yearly 
 tribute to the hero Quamba-cun-dono. In all probability, 
 they would not have appeared so grateful, had they stayed 
 to see the effects of his merciful disposition towards the 
 vanquished rebels : for mercy is surely no attribute of the 
 Japanese, considered as a people. Indeed, nothing could 
 form a more striking contrast, than appeared in the northern 
 and southern parts of the empire at this juncture. While 
 the amiable Quamba-cun-dono was employed in the godlike 
 office of gathering together, and cherishing under his wings 
 the poor, dispersed, forlorn widows and orphans, whom the 
 savage hand of war had deprived of parent, husband, home, 
 and sustenance ; while he, in the north, gathered these 
 miserable creatures, even as a hen gathereth her chickens ; 
 Sti-phi-rum-poo and other judges in the south, were 
 condemning such of their parents and husbands as survived 
 the sword, to crucifixion, cauldrons of boiling oil, or ex- 
 enteration : and the people were indulging their appetites, 
 by feasting upon the viscera thus extracted. The liver of 
 a Ximian was in such request at this period that if the 
 market had been properly managed and supplied, this 
 delicacy would have sold for two obans a pound, or about 
 four pounds sterling. The troops in the north might have
 
 280 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 provided at the rate of a thousand head per month, for the 
 demand of Meaco ; and though the other parts of the 
 carcase would not have sold at so high a price as the liver, 
 heart, harrigals, sweet-bread, and pope's eye ; yet the whole, 
 upon an average, would have fetched at the rate of three 
 hundred pounds a head ; especially if those animals, which 
 are but poorly fed in their own country, had been fattened 
 up, and kept upon hard meat for the slaughter. This new 
 branch of traffic would have produced about three hundred 
 and sixty thousand pounds annually : for the rebellion might 
 easily have been fomented from year to year ; and conse- 
 quently it would have yielded a considerable addition to the 
 emperor's revenue, by a proper taxation. 
 
 The philosophers of Japan, were divided in their opinion, 
 concerning this new taste for Ximian flesh, which sprang 
 up among the Japanese. Some ascribed it to a principle 
 of hatred and revenge, agreeable to the common expression 
 of animosity among the multitude — " You dog, I'll have your 
 liver." Others imputed it to a notion analogous to the 
 vulgar conceit that the liver of a mad dog being eaten is a 
 preventive against madness ; ergo, the liver of a traitor is 
 an antidote against treason. A third sort derived this strange 
 appetite from the belief of the Americans, who imagine 
 they shall inherit all the virtues of the enemies they devour ; 
 and a fourth affirmed, that the demand for this dainty 
 arose from a very high and peculiar flavour in Ximian flesh, 
 which flavour was discovered by accident : moreover, 
 there were not wanting some who supposed this banquet 
 was a kind of sacrifice to the powers of sorcery ; as we find 
 that one of the ingredients of the charm, prepared in Shake- 
 speare's cauldron was " the liver of blaspheming Jew ; " 
 and indeed it is not at all impossible, that the liver of a re- 
 bellious Ximian, might be altogether as effectual. I know 
 that Fika-kaka was stimulated by curiosity to try the ex- 
 periment, and held divers consultations with his cooks on 
 this subject. They all declared in favour of the trial ; 
 and it was accordingly presented at the table, where the 
 Cuboy ate of it to such excess, as to produce a surfeit. He
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 281 
 
 underwent a severe evacuation both ways, attended with 
 cold sweats and swoonings. In a word, his agony was so 
 violent, that he ever after loathed the sight of Ximian flesh, 
 whether dead or alive. 
 
 With the Fatzman Quamba-cun-dono was connected 
 another Quo, called Gotto-mio, viceroy of Xicoco, one of the 
 islands of Japan. If his understanding had been as large 
 as his fortune, and his temper a little more tractable, he 
 would have been a dangerous rival to the Cuboy. But if 
 their brains had been weighed against each other, the 
 nineteenth part of a grain would have turned either scale ; 
 and as Fika-kaka had negative qualities, which supported 
 and extended his personal influence, so Gotto-mio had 
 positive powers, that defended him from all approaches 
 of popularity. His pride was of the insolent order ; his 
 temper extremely irascible ; and his avarice quite rapacious ; 
 nay, he is said to have once declined the honour of a kicking 
 from the Dairo. Conceited of his own talents, he affected 
 to harangue in the council of twenty-eight ; but his ideas 
 were embarrassed ; his language was mean ; and his elocution 
 more discordant, than the braying of fifty asses. When 
 Fika-kaka addressed himself to speech, an agreeable simper 
 played upon the countenances of all the audience : but soon 
 as Gotto-mio stood up, every spectator raised his thumbs to 
 his ears, as it were instinctively. The Dairo, Got-hama-baba, 
 by the advice of the Cuboy, sent him over to govern the 
 people of Xicoco, and a more effectual method could not 
 have been taken, to mortify his arrogance. His deportment 
 was so insolent, his economy so sordid, and his government 
 so arbitrary, that those islanders, who are remarkably 
 ferocious and impatient, expressed their hatred and contempt 
 of him on every occasion. His Quanbukuship, was hardly 
 safe from outrage, in the midst of his guards ; and a cross 
 was actually erected, for the execution of his favourite 
 Kow-kin ; who escaped with some difficulty to the island 
 of Niphon, whither also his patron soon followed him, 
 attended by the curses of the people whom he had been 
 sent to rule.
 
 282 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 He who presided at the council of twenty-eight, was 
 called Soo-san-sin-o, an old, experienced, shrewd politician, 
 who conveyed more sense in one single sentence, than could 
 have been distilled from all the other brains in the council, 
 had they been macerated in one alembic. He was a man of 
 extensive learning and elegant taste. He saw through the 
 
 characters of his fellow-labourers in the ad n. He 
 
 laughed at the folly of one faction, and detested the arrogance 
 and presumption of the other. In an assembly of sensible 
 men, his talents would have shone with superior lustre : 
 but at the council of twenty-eight, they were obscured 
 by the thick clouds of ignorance that enveloped his brethren. 
 The Dairo had a personal respe.t for him, and is said to have 
 conferred frequent favours on his posteriors in private. 
 He kicked the Cuboy often ex officio, as a husband thinks 
 it incumbent upon him to caress his wife : but he kicked 
 the president with pleasure, as a voluptuary embraces his 
 mistress. Soo-san-sin-o, conscious that he had no family 
 interest to support him in cabals among the people, and 
 careless of his country's fate, resolved to enjoy the comforts 
 of life in quiet. He laughed and quaffed, with his select 
 companions in private ; received his appointments thankfully, 
 and swam with the tide of politics, as it happened to flow. 
 It was pretty extraordinary, that the wisest man should be 
 the greatest cypher : but such was the will of the gods. 
 
 Besides these great luminaries, that enlightened the 
 cabinet of Japan, I shall have occasion, in the course of my 
 narrative, to describe many other stars of an inferior order. 
 At this board, there was as great a variety of characters, 
 as we find in the celebrated table of Cebes. Nay, indeed, 
 what was objected to the philosopher, might have been more 
 justly said of the Japanese councils. There was neither 
 invention, unity, nor design among them. They consisted 
 of mobs of sauntering, strolling, vagrant, and ridiculous 
 politicians. Their schemes were absurd, and their delibera- 
 tions, like the sketches of anarchy. All was bellowing, 
 bleating, braying, grinning, grumbling, confusion, and 
 uproar. It was more like a dream of chaos than a picture
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 283 
 
 of human life. If the Scu'/xcov or genius was wanting, 
 it must be owned that Fika-kaka exactly answered Cebes' 
 description Tv^r}, or Fortune, blind and frantic, running 
 about everywhere ; giving to some and taking from others, 
 without rule or distinction ; while her emblem of the round 
 stone fairly shows his giddy nature KaXcos /Jirjvve <£vcriv av-nfj^. 
 Here, however, one might have seen many other figures of the 
 painter's allegory ; such as Deception, tendering the cup of 
 ignorance and error, opinions and appetites ; Disappointment 
 and Anguish ; Debauchery, Profligacy, Gluttony, and 
 Adulation ; Luxury, Fraud, Rapine, Perjury, and Sacrilege ; 
 but not the least traces of the virtues, which are described 
 in the group of true education, and in the grove of happiness. 
 The two factions, that divided the councils of Japan, 
 though inveterate enemies to each other, heartily and 
 cordially concurred in one particular, v/hich was the worship 
 established in the temple of Fakku-basi, or the White Horse. 
 This was the orthodox faith in Japan, and was certainly 
 founded, as St. Paul saith of the Christian religion, upon the 
 evidence of thir.gs not seen. All the votaries of this super- 
 stition of Fakku-basi, subscribed and swore to the following 
 creed : " I believe in the White Horse, that he descended 
 from heaven, and sojourned in Jeddo, which is the land of 
 promise. I believe in Bufo his apostle, who first declared 
 to the children of Niphon, the glad tidings of the gospel of 
 Fakku-basi. I believe that the White Horse was begot by 
 a black mule, and brought forth by a green dragon ; that his 
 head is of silver, and his hoofs are of brass : that he eats gold 
 as provender, and discharges diamonds as dung ; that the 
 Japanese are ordained and predestined to furnish him with 
 food, and the people of Jeddo, to clear away his litter. I 
 believe that the island of Niphon is joined to the continent 
 of Jeddo ; and that whoever thinks otherwise shall be 
 damned to all eternity. I believe that the smallest portion 
 of matter may be practically divided, ad infinitum : that 
 equal quantities, taken from equal quantities, an unequal 
 quantity will remain : that two and two make seven : the 
 sun rules the night, the stars the day : and the moon is made
 
 284 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 of green cheese. Finally, I believe, that a man cannot be 
 saved, without devoting his goods, and his chattels, his 
 children, relations, and friends, his senses and ideas, his soul 
 and his body, to the religion of the White Horse, as it is 
 prescribed in the ritual of Fakku-basi." These are the 
 tenets, which the Japanese ministers swallowed as glib as 
 the English clergy the thirty-nine articles. 
 
 Having thus characterised the chiefs, that disputed the 
 administration, or in other words, the empire of Japan, I 
 shall now proceed to a plain narration, of historical incidents, 
 
 without pretending to philosophise like H e, or dogmatise 
 
 like S tt. I shall only tell thee, Nathaniel, that Britain 
 
 never gave birth but to two historians worthy of credit, 
 and they were Taliessin and Geoffrey of Monmouth. I'll 
 tell you another secret. The whole world has never been 
 able to produce six good historians. Herodotus is fabulous 
 even to a proverb ; Thucydides is perplexed, obscure, and 
 unimportant ; Polybius is dry and inelegant ; Livy super- 
 ficial ; and Tacitus a coxcomb. Guicciardini wants in- 
 terest ; Davila digestion ; and Sarpi truth. In the whole 
 catalogue of French historians, there is not one of tolerable 
 authenticity. 
 
 In the year of the period Foggien, one hundred and 
 fifty-four, the tranquillity of Japan was interrupted by the 
 encroachments of the Chinese adventurers, who made 
 descents upon certain islands, belonging to the Japanese, 
 a great way to the southward of Xicoco. They even settled 
 colonies, and built forts on some of them, while the two 
 empires were at peace with each other. When the Japanev 
 governors expostulated with the Chinese officers on this 
 intrusion, they were treated with ridicule and contempt : 
 then they had recourse to force of arms, and some skirmishes 
 were fought with various success. When the tidings of 
 these hostilities arrived at Meaco, the whole council of 
 twenty-eight, was overwhelmed with fear and confusion. 
 The Dairo kicked them all round, not from passion, but by 
 way of giving an animating fillip to their deliberative 
 faculties. The disputes had happened in the island of
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 285 
 
 Fatsissio : but there were only three members of the council 
 who knew that Fatsissio was an island, although the com- 
 merce there carried on, was of the utmost importance to the 
 empire of Japan. 
 
 They were as much in the dark, with respect to its 
 situation. Fika-kaka, on the supposition that it adjoined 
 to the coast of Corea, expressed his apprehension that 
 the Chinese would invade it with a numerous army ; 
 and was so transported, when Foksi-roku assured him it 
 was an island, at a vast distance from any continent, that 
 he kissed him five times in the face of the whole council ; 
 and his royal master, Got-hama-baba, swore he should be 
 indulged with a double portion of kicking, at his next 
 private audience. The same counsellor proposed, that 
 as the Fune, or navy of Japan, was much more numerous 
 than the fleet of China, they should immediately avail 
 themselves of this advantage. Quamba-cun-dono the 
 Fatzman, was of opinion that war should be immediately 
 declared, and an army transported to the continent. Sti- 
 phi-rum-poo thought it would be more expedient to sweep 
 the seas of the Chinese trading vessels, without giving them 
 any previous intimation ; and to this opinion Admiral 
 Nin-kom-poo-po subscribed, not only out of deference to 
 the superior understanding of his sage ally, who undertook 
 to prove it was not contrary to the law of nature and nations, 
 to plunder the subjects of foreign powers, who trade on the 
 faith of treaties ; but also from his own inclination, which 
 was much addicted to pillage without bloodshed. To him 
 therefore the task was left of scouring the seas, and inter- 
 cepting the succours which (they had received intelligence) 
 v.i re ready to sail from one of the ports of China, to the 
 island of Fatsissio. In the meantime junks were provided, 
 for transporting thither a body of Japanese troops, under the 
 command of one Koan, an obscure officer, without conduct 
 or experience, whom the Fatzman selected for this service ; 
 not that he supposed him possessed of superior merit, but 
 because no leader of distinction cared to engage in such a 
 disagreeable expedition.
 
 286 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 Nin-kom-poo-po acted according to the justest ideas 
 which had been formed of his understanding. He let loose 
 his cruisers among the merchant ships of China, and the 
 harbours of Japan were quickly filled with prizes and 
 prisoners. The Chinese exclaimed against these proceedings, 
 as the most perfidious acts of piracy ; and all the other 
 powers of Asia beheld them with astonishment. But the 
 consummate wisdom of the sea Sey-seo-gun, appeared most 
 conspicuous in another stroke of generalship, which he now 
 struck. Instead of blocking up in the Chinese harbour 
 the succours destined to reinforce the enemy in Fatsissio, 
 until they should be driven from their encroachments on that 
 island, he very wisely sent a strong squadron of Fune, to 
 cruise in the open sea, midway between China and Fatsissio, 
 in the most tempestuous season of the year, when the fogs 
 are so thick and so constant in that latitude, as to rival 
 the darkness of a winter night ; and supported the feasibility 
 of this scheme in council, by observing that the enemy 
 would be thus decoyed from their harbour, and undoubtedly 
 intercepted in their passage by the Japanese squadron. 
 This plan was applauded as one of the most ingenious 
 stratagems that ever was devised ; and Fika-kaka insisted 
 upon kissing his posteriors, as the most honourable mark of 
 his approbation. 
 
 Philosophers have observed, that the motives of actions are 
 not to be estimated by events. Fortune did not altogether 
 fulfil the expectations of the council. General Koan 
 suffered himself and his army to be decoyed into the middle 
 of a wood, where they stood like sheep in the shambles, 
 to be slaughtered by an unseen enemy. The Chinese 
 succours, perceiving their harbour open, set sail for Fatsissio, 
 which they reached in safety by changing their course about 
 one degree from the common route ; while the Japanese 
 Fune continued cruising among the fogs, until the ships 
 were shattered by stormr-, and the crews more than half 
 destroyed by cold and distemper. 
 
 When the news of these disasters arrived, great commotion 
 arose in the council. The Dairo Got-hama-baba fluttered,
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 287 
 
 and clucked and cackled, and hissed like a goose disturbed 
 in the act of incubation. Quamba-cun-dono shed bitter 
 tears ; the Cuboy snivelled and sobbed : Sti-phi-rum-poo 
 groaned : Gotto-mio swore : but the sea Sey-seo-gun, Nin- 
 kom-poo-po, underwent no alteration. He sat as the emblem 
 of insensibility, fixed as the north star, and as cold as that 
 luminary, sending forth emanations of frigidity. Fika-kaka, 
 mistaking this congelation for fortitude, went round and 
 embraced him where he sat, exclaiming, " My dear Day, 
 Sey-seo-gun, what would you advise in this dilemma ? " 
 But the contact had almost cost him his life ; for the touch 
 of Nin-kom-poo-po, thus congealed, had the same effect 
 as that of the fish called Torpor. The Cuboy's whole body 
 was instantly benumbed ; and if his friends had not instantly 
 poured down his throat a considerable quantity of strong 
 spirit, the circulation would have ceased. This is what 
 philosophers call a generation of cold, which became so 
 intense, that the mercury in a Japanese thermometer, 
 constructed on the same principles which were afterwards 
 adopted by Fahrenheit, and fixed in the apartment, imme- 
 diately sank thirty degrees below the freezing point. 
 
 The first astonishment of the council was succeeded 
 by critical remarks and argumentation. The Dairo consoled 
 himself by observing that his troops made a very soldierly 
 appearance, as they lay on the field in their new clothing, 
 smart caps, and clean buskins ; and that the enemy allowed 
 they had never seen beards and whiskers in better order. 
 He then declared, that should a war ensue with China, he 
 would go abroad and expose himself, for the glory of Japan. 
 Foksi-roku expressed his surprise, that a general should march 
 his army through a wood, in an unknown country, without 
 having it first reconnoitred : but the Fatzman assured him, 
 that was a practice never admitted into the discipline of 
 Japan. Gotto-mio swore the man was mad to stand with 
 his men, like oxen in a stall, to be knocked on the head without 
 using any means of defence. Why the devil (said he"), did 
 not he either retreat, or advance to close engagement, 
 with the handful of Chinese who formed the ambuscade ?
 
 288 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 " I hope, my dear Quanbuku," replied the Fatzman, " that 
 the troops of Japan will always stand without flinching. I 
 should have been mortified beyond measure, had they re- 
 treated without seeing the face of the enemy : that would 
 have been a disgrace which never befell any troops formed 
 under my direction : and as for advancing, the ground would 
 not permit any manoeuvre of that nature. They were 
 engaged in a cul de sac, where they could not form, either in 
 hollow square, front line, potence, column, or platoon. It 
 was the fortune of war, and they bore it like men — we shall 
 be more fortunate on another occasion." The president 
 Soo-san-sin-o took notice, that if there had been one spaniel 
 in the whole Japanese army, this disaster could not have 
 happened ; as the animal would have beat the bushes, 
 and discovered the ambuscade. He therefore proposed, 
 that if the war was to be prosecuted in Fatsissio, which is a 
 country overgrown with wood, a number of bloodhounds 
 might be provided and sent over, to run upon the foot in 
 the front and on the flanks of the army, when it should 
 be on its march through such impediments. Quamba-cun- 
 dono declared, that soldiers had much better die in the bed 
 of honour, than be saved and victorious by such an unmilitary 
 expedient ; that such a proposal was contrary to the rules 
 of war, and the scheme of enlisting dogs, so derogatory from 
 the dignity of the service, that if ever it should be embraced, 
 he would resign his command, and spend the remainder 
 of his life in retirement. This canine project was equally 
 disliked by the Dairo, who approved of the Fatzman's 
 objection, and sealed his approbation with a pedestrian 
 salute of such momentum, that the Fatzman could hardly 
 stand under the weight of the compKment. It was agreed 
 that new levies should be made, and a new squadron of 
 Fune equipped with all expedition ; and thus the assembly 
 broke up. 
 
 Fortune had not yet sufficiently humbled the pride of 
 Japan. That body of Chinese which defeated Koan, made 
 several conquests in Fatsissio, and seemed to be in a fair way 
 of reducing the whole island. Yet, the court of China,
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 289 
 
 not satisfied with this success, resolved to strike a blow, 
 that should be equally humiliating to the Japanese, in another 
 part of the world. Having by specious remonstrances already 
 prepossessed all the neighbouring nations against the Govern- 
 ment of Japan, as the patrons of perfidy and piracy ; they 
 fitted out an armament, which was intended to subdue the 
 island of Motao, on the coast of Corea, which the Japanese 
 had taken in a former war, and now occupied at a very great 
 expense, as a place of the utmost importance to the com- 
 merce of the empire. Repeated advices of the enemy's 
 
 design were sent from different parts to the m y of 
 
 Japan : but they seemed all overwhelmed by such a 
 lethargy of infatuation, that no measures of prevention 
 were concerted. 
 
 Such was the opinion of the people ; but the truth is, 
 they were fast asleep. The Japanese hold with the ancient 
 Greeks and modern Americans, that dreams are from Heaven : 
 and in any perplexing emergency, they, like the Indians, 
 Jews, and names of Madagascar, have recourse to dreaming 
 as to an oracle. These dreams or divinations are preceded 
 by certain religious rites analogous to the ceremony of 
 the ephod, the urim, and the thummim The rites 
 were religiously performed in the council of twenty-eight ; 
 and a deep sleep overpowered the Dairo and all his 
 counsellors. 
 
 Got-hama-baba the emperor, who reposed his head upon 
 the pillowy sides of Quamba-cun-dono, dreamed that he 
 was sacrificing in the temple of Fakku-basi, and saw the 
 deity of the White Horse devouring pearls by the bushel 
 at one end, and voiding corruption by the ton at the other. 
 The Fatzman dreamed that a great number of Chinese 
 cooks were busy buttering his brains. Gotto-mio dreamed 
 of lending money and borrowing sense. Sti-phi-rum-poo 
 thought lie had procured a new law for clapping padlocks 
 upon the chastity of all the females in Japan under twenty, 
 of which padlocks he himself kept the keys. Nin-kom-poo-] < > 
 dreamed he was metamorphosed into a sea-lion, in pursuit 
 of a shoal of golden gudgeons. One did laugh m'j sleep, and 
 
 19
 
 290 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 one cried murder. The first was Soo-san-sin-o, who had 
 precisely the same vision that disturbed the imagination, 
 of the Cuboy. He thought he saw the face of a right 
 reverend prelate of the Bonzes, united with and growing 
 to the posteriors of the minister. Fika-kaka underwent 
 the same disagreeable illusion, with this aggravating circum- 
 stance, that he already felt the teeth of the said Bonze. 
 The president laughed aloud at the ridiculous phenomenon : 
 the Cuboy exclaimed in the terror of being encumbered 
 with such a monstrous appendage. It was not without some 
 reason he cried, " Murder ! " Fok-si-roku, who happened 
 to sleep on the next chair, dreamed of money-bags, places, 
 and reversions ; and in the transport of his eagerness, laid 
 fast hold of the trunk breeches of the Cuboy, including 
 certain fundamentals, which he grasped so violently as to 
 excite pain, and extort an exclamation from Fika-kaka, even 
 in his sleep. 
 
 The council being at last waked by the clamours of the 
 people, who surrounded the palace, and proclaimed that 
 Motao was in danger of an invasion ; the sea Sey-seo-gun, 
 Nin-kom-poo-po, was ordered to fit out a fleet of Fune for 
 the relief of that island ; and directions were given that the 
 commander of these Fune should, in his voyage, touch 
 at the garrison of Foutao, and take on board from thence 
 a certain number of troops, to reinforce the Japanese governor 
 of the place that was in danger. Nin-kom-poo-po for this 
 service chose the commander Bihn-goh, a man who had never 
 signalised himself by an act of valour. He sent him out with 
 a squadron of Fune ill-manned, wretchedly provided, and 
 inferior in number to the fleet of China, which was by this 
 time known to be assembled in order to support the invasion 
 of the island of Motao. He sailed, nevertheless, on this 
 expedition, and touched at the garrison of Foutao to take 
 in the reinforcement : but the orders sent for this purpose 
 from Nob-od-i, minister for the department of war, appeared 
 so contradictory and absurd, that they could not possibly 
 be obeyed ; so that Bihn-goh proceeded without the rein- 
 forcement towards Motao, the principal fortress of which
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 291 
 
 was by this time invested. He had been accidentally 
 joined by a few cruisers, which rendered him equal in 
 strength to the Chinese squadron which he now descried. 
 Both commanders seemed afraid of each other. The 
 fleets, however, engaged ; but little damage was done to 
 either. 
 
 They parted as if by consent. Bihn-goh made the best 
 of his way back to Foutao, without making the least attempt 
 to succour, or open a communication with Fi-de-ta-da, the 
 governor of Matao, who, looking upon himself as abandoned 
 by his country, surrendered his fortress, with the whole 
 island, to the Chinese general. These disgraces happening 
 on the back of the Fatsissian disasters, raised a prodigious 
 ferment in Japan, and the ministry had almost sunk under 
 the first fury of the people's resentment. They not only 
 exclaimed against the folly of the administration, but they 
 also accused them of treachery ; and seemed to think that 
 the glory and advantage of the empire had been betrayed. 
 What increased the commotion was the terror of an invasion, 
 with which the Chinese threatened the islands of Japan. 
 The terrors of Fika-kaka had already cost him two pair of 
 trunk hose, which were defiled by sudden sallies or irruptions 
 from the postern of his microcosm ; and these were attended 
 with such noisome effluvia, that the Bonzes could not perform 
 the barbal abstertion without marks of abhorrence. The 
 emperor himself was seen to stop his nose, and turn away his 
 head, when he approached him to perform the pedestrian 
 exercise. 
 
 Here I intended to insert a dissertation on trousers or 
 trunk breeches, called by the Greeks /JpuKat and rrtpi^fofuaxa 
 by the Latins braccce laxte, by the Spaniards bragas ancbas, 
 by the Italians calzone largo, by the French haul de chausses, 
 by the Saxons bracc<r, by the Swedes brackor, by the Irish 
 briechan, by the Ccltce brag, and by the Japanese bra-ak. 
 I could make some curious discoveries touching the analogy 
 between the irepC^iafwra and £cWioi> yvvaiKelov, and point 
 out the precise time at which the Grecian women began 
 to wear the breeches. I would have demonstrated that
 
 292 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 the cingulum muliebre was originally no other than the 
 wife's literally wearing the husband's trousers at certain 
 orgia, as a mark of dominion transferred fro tempore to the 
 female. I would have drawn a curious parallel between 
 the t,(jiVLOv of the Greek, and the shim or middle cloth 
 worn by the black ladies in Guinea. I would have proved 
 that breeches were not first used to defend the central parts 
 from the injuries of the weather, inasmuch as they were 
 first worn by the Orientals in a warm climate ; as you may 
 see in Persius, Braccatis iliita medis — forticus. I would 
 have shown that breeches were first brought from Asia to 
 the northern parts of Europe, by the Celtas sprung from 
 the ancient Gomanaus : that trousers were worn in Scotland 
 long before the time of Pythagoras ; and indeed we are told 
 by Jamblychus, that Abaris, the famous Highland philo- 
 sopher, contemporary, and personally acquainted with the 
 sage of Crotona, wore long trousers. I myself can attest 
 the truth of that description, as I well remember the person 
 and habits of that learned mountaineer. I would have 
 explained the reasons that compelled the posterity of those 
 mountaineers to abandon the breeches of their forefathers, 
 and expose their posteriors to the wind. I would have 
 convinced the English antiquaries that the inhabitants of 
 Yorkshire came originally from the Highlands of Scotland, 
 before the Scots had laid aside their breeches, and wore this 
 part of dress, long after their ancestors, as well as the southern 
 Britons, were unbreeched by the Romans. From this 
 distinction they acquired the name of Brigantes, quasi 
 Bragantes ; and hence came the verb to brag, or boast 
 contemptuously ; for the neighbours of the Brigantes 
 being at variance with that people, used by way of con- 
 tumelious defiance, when they saw any of them passing or 
 repassing, to clap their hands on their posteriors, and cry, 
 Brag-Brag. I would have drawn a learned comparison 
 between the shield of Ajax and the seven-fold breeches of 
 a Dutch skipper. Finally, I would have promulgated the 
 original use of trunk breeches, which would have led me into 
 a discussion of the rites of Cloacina, so differently worshipped
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 293 
 
 by the southern and northern inhabitants of this kingdom. 
 These disquisitions would have unveiled the mysteries that 
 now conceal the origin, migration, superstition, language, 
 laws, and connections of different nations — sed nunc non erit 
 his locus. I shall only observe, that Linschot and others are 
 mistaken in deriving the Japanese from their neighbours 
 the Chinese ; and that Dr. Kempfer is right in his conjecture, 
 supposing them to have come from Media immediately after 
 the confusion of Babel. It is no wonder, therefore, that 
 being Braccaiorum filii, they should retain the wide breeches 
 of their progenitors. 
 
 Having dropped these hints concerning the origin of 
 breeches, I shall now return to the great personage that 
 turned me into this train of thinking. The council of 
 twenty-eight being assembled in a great hurry, Fika-kaka 
 sat about five seconds in silence, having in his countenance 
 nearly the same expression which you have seen in the face 
 and attitude of Felix on his tribunal, as represented by the 
 facetious Hogardi, in his print done after the Dutch taste. 
 After some pause he rose, and surveying every individual of 
 the council through a long tube, he began a speech to this 
 effect : 
 
 " Imperial Got-hama-baba, my ever glorious master ; 
 and you, ye illustrious nobles of Japan, Quanbukus, Quos, 
 Days, and Daygos, my fellows and colleagues in the work 
 of administration ; it is well known to you all, and they 
 are rascals that deny it, I have watched and fasted for the 
 public weal. — By G — d I have deprived myself of two hours 
 of my natural rest, every night for a week together. — Then 
 I have been so hurried with state affairs, that I could not 
 eat a comfortable meal in a whole fortnight : and what rend- 
 dered this misfortune the greater, my chief cook had dressed 
 an olio a la Chine. I say an olio, my lords, such an olio as 
 never appeared before upon a table in Japan — by the Lord 
 it cost me fifty obans ; and I had not time to taste a morsel. 
 Well, then, I have watched that my fellow-subjects should 
 sleep ; I have fasted that they should feed. I have not only 
 watched and fasted, but I have prayed — no, not much of
 
 294 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 that — yes, by the Lord, I have prayed, as it were — I have 
 ejaculated — I have danced and sung at the Matsuris, which, 
 you know, are religious rites — I have headed the multitude, 
 and treated all the raggamufRns in Japan. To be certain, 
 I could not do. too much for our most excellent and sublime 
 emperor, an emperor unequalled in wisdom, and unrivalled 
 in generosity. Were I to expatiate from the rising of the 
 sun to the setting thereof, I should not speak half his praise. — 
 O happy nation ! O fortunate Japan ! happy in such a 
 Dairo to wield the sceptre ; and, let me add (vanity apart), 
 fortunate in such a Cuboy to conduct the administration. 
 Such a prince ! and such a minister ! — aha ! my noble 
 friend Soo-san-sin-o, I see your Dayship smile — I know what 
 you think, ha ! ha ! Very well, my lord, you may think 
 what you please ; but two such head-pieces — pardon, my 
 royal master, my presumption in laying our heads together — 
 you won't find again in the whole universe, ha ! ha ! — I'll 
 be damn'd if you do, ha ! ha ! ha ! " 
 
 The tumult without doors, was, by this time, increased 
 to such a degree, that the Cuboy could utter nothing 
 more ab anteriori ; and the majority of the members 
 sat aghast in silence. The Dairo declared he would throw 
 his cap out of the window into the midst of the popu- 
 lace, and challenge any single man of them to bring it up ; 
 but he was dissuaded from hazarding his sacred person 
 in such a manner. Quamba-cun-dono proposed to let 
 loose the guards among the multitude : but Fika-kaka 
 protested he could never agree to an expedient so 
 big with danger to the persons of all present. Sti-phi- 
 rum-poo was of opinion that they should proceed according 
 to law, and indict the leaders of the mob for a riot. Nin- 
 kom-poo-po exhorted the Dairo and the whole council to 
 take refuge on board the fleet. Gotto-mio sweated in silence : 
 he trembled for his money-bags, and dreaded another 
 encounter with the mob, by whom he had suffered severely 
 in the flesh upon a former occasion. The president shrugged 
 up his shoulders, and kept his eye fixed upon a postern or 
 back door. In this general consternation, Foksi-roku stood
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 295 
 
 up and offered a scheme which was immediately put in 
 execution. 
 
 " The multitude, my lords," says he, " is a many- 
 headed monster — it is a Cerberus that must have a sop : 
 it is a wild beast, so ravenous that nothing but blood will 
 appease its appetite : it is a whale that must have a barrel 
 for its amusement ; it is a demon to which we must offer 
 up human sacrifice. Now the question is, who is to be 
 this sop, this barrel, this scape-goat ? Tremble not, illus- 
 trious Fika-kaka, be not afraid, your life is of too much 
 consequence. But I perceive that the Cuboy is moved — 
 an unsavoury odour assails my nostrils : brief let me be, 
 Bihn-goh must be the victim, happy, if the sacrifice of his 
 single life can appease the commotions of his country. To 
 him let us impute the loss of Motao. Let us, in the mean- 
 time, soothe the rabble with solemn promises that national 
 justice shall be done ; let us employ emissaries to mingle 
 in all places of plebeian resort ; to puzzle, perplex, and 
 prevaricate ; to exaggerate the misconduct of Bihn-goh ; 
 to traduce his character with retrospective reproach ; strain 
 circumstances to his prejudice ; inflame the resentment of the 
 vulgar against that devoted officer ; and keep up the flame 
 by feeding it with continual fuel." 
 
 The speech was heard with universal applause : Foksi-roku 
 was kicked by the Dairo, and kissed by the Cuboy, in token 
 of approbation. The populace were dispersed by means of 
 fair promises. Bihn-goh was put under arrest, and kept as 
 a malefactor in close prison. Agents were employed through 
 the whole metropolis to vilify his character, and accuse him 
 of cowardice and treachery. Authors were enlisted to 
 defame him in public writings ; and mobs hired to hang and 
 burn him in effigy. By these means the revenge of the people 
 was artfully transferred, and their attention effectually 
 diverted from the ministry, which was the first object of 
 their indignation. At length, matters being duly prepared 
 for the exhibition of such an extraordinary spectacle, Bihn- 
 goh underwent a public trial, was unanimously found guilty, 
 and unanimously declared innocent ; by the same mouths
 
 296 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 condemned to death and recommended to mercy : but 
 
 mercy was incompatible with the designs of the ad n. 
 
 The unfortunate Bihn-goh was crucified for cowardice, and 
 bore his fate with the most heroic courage. His behaviour 
 at his death was so inconsistent with the crime for which 
 he was doomed to die, that the emissaries of the Cuboy were 
 fain to propagate a report, that Bihn-goh had bribed a person 
 to represent him at his execution, and be crucified in his 
 stead. 
 
 This was a stratagem very well calculated for the meridian 
 of the Japanese populace ; and it would have satisfied them 
 entirely, had not their fears been concerned. But the 
 Chinese had for some time been threatening an invasion, 
 the terror of which kept the people of Japan in perpetual 
 agitation and disquiet. They neglected their business, and 
 ran about in distraction, inquiring news, listening to reports, 
 staring, whispering, whimpering, clamouring, neglecting 
 their food and renouncing their repose. The Dairo, who 
 believed the Tartars of Yesso (from whom he himself was 
 descended) had more valour, and skill, and honesty, than 
 was possessed by any other nation on earth, took a large body 
 of them into his pay, and brought them over to the island 
 of Niphon, for the defence of his Japanese dominions. The 
 truth is, he had a strong predilection for that people : he 
 had been nursed among them, and sucked it from the nipple. 
 His father had succeeded as heir to a paltry farm in that 
 country, and there he fitted up a cabin, which he preferred 
 to all the palaces of Meaco and Jeddo. The son received 
 the first rudiments of his education among these Tartars, 
 whose country had given birth to his progenitor Bupo. He 
 therefore loved their country ; he admired their manners, 
 because they were conformable to his own ; and he was in 
 particular captivated by the taste they showed in trimming 
 and curling their mustachios. 
 
 In full belief that the Yessites stood as high in the estima- 
 tion of his Japanese subjects as in his own, he imported a 
 body of them into Niphon, where, at first they were received 
 as saviours and protectors ; but the apprehension of danger
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 297 
 
 no sooner vanished, than they were exposed to a thousand 
 insults and mortifications arising from the natural prejudice 
 to foreigners, which prevails among the people of Japan. 
 They were reviled, calumniated, and maltreated in every 
 different form, and by every class of people ; and when the 
 severe season set in, the Japanese refused shelter from the 
 extremities of the weather, to those very auxiliaries they had 
 hired to defend everything that was dear to them, from the 
 swords of an enemy whom they themselves durst not look- 
 in the face. In vain Fika-kaka employed a double band 
 of artists to tickle their noses. They shut their eyes, indeed, 
 as usual : but their eyes no sooner closed, than their mouths 
 opened, and out flew the tropes and figures of obloquy and 
 execration. They exclaimed that they had not bought, 
 but caught the Tartar ; that they had hired the wolves 
 to guard the sheep ; that they were simple beasts who 
 could not defend themselves from the dog with their own 
 horns ; but what could be expected from a flock which 
 was led by such a pusillanimous bell-wether ? In a 
 word, the Yessites were sent home in disgrace : but the 
 ferment did not subside ; and the conduct of the adminis- 
 tration was summoned before the venerable tribunal of the 
 populace. 
 
 There was one Taycho who had raised himself to great 
 consideration in this self-constituted college of the mob. 
 He was distinguished by a loud voice, an unabashed coun- 
 tenance, a fluency of abuse, and an intrepidity of opposition 
 to the measures of the Cuboy, who was far from being a 
 favourite with the plebeians. Orator Taycho's eloquence 
 was admirably suited to his audience ; he roared and he 
 
 brayed, and he bellowed against the m y : he threw 
 
 out personal sarcasms against the Dairo himself. He 
 inveighed against his partial attachment to the land of 
 Yesso, which he had more than once manifested to the 
 detriment of Japan ; he inflamed the national prejudices 
 against foreigners : and as he professed an inviolable zeal 
 for the commons of Japan, he became the first demagogue 
 of the empire. The truth is, he generally happened to be
 
 298 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 on the right side. The partiality of the Dairo, the errors, 
 absurdities, and corruption of the ministry, presented such 
 a palpable mark as could not be missed by the arrows of his 
 declamation. This Cerberus had been silenced more than 
 once with a sop ; but whether his appetite was not satisfied 
 to the full, or he was still stimulated by the turbulence of 
 his disposition, which would not allow him to rest, he began 
 to shake his chains anew, and open in the old cry : which 
 was a species of music to the mob, as agreeable as the sound 
 of a bagpipe to a mountaineer of North Britain, or the 
 strum-strum to the swarthy natives of Angola. It was 
 a strain which had the wonderful effect of effacing from 
 the memory of his hearers every idea of his former fickleness 
 and apostasy. 
 
 In order to weaken the effect of orator Taycho's harangues, 
 the Cuboy had found means to intrude upon the councils 
 of the mob, a native of Ximo called Muraclami, who had 
 acquired some reputation for eloquence, as an advocate 
 in the tribunals of Japan. He certainly possessed an un- 
 common share of penetration, with a silver tone of voice, 
 and a great magazine of words and phrases, which flowed 
 from him in a pleasing tide of elocution. He had withal the 
 art of soothing, wheedling, insinuating, and misrepresenting 
 with such a degree of plausibility, that his talents were 
 admired even by the few who had sense enough to detect 
 his sophistry. He had no idea of principle and no feeling 
 of humanity. He had renounced the maxims of his family, 
 after having turned them to the best account by execrating 
 the rites of Fakku-basi or the White Horse, in private 
 among malcontents, while he worshipped him in public 
 with the appearance of enthusiastic devotion. When 
 detected in this double dealing, he fairly owned to the 
 Cuboy, that he cursed the White Horse in private for his 
 private interest, but that he served him in public from 
 inclination. 
 
 The Cuboy had just sense enough to perceive that he 
 would always be true to his own interest ; and therefore 
 he made it his interest to serve the m y to the full extent
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 299 
 
 of his faculties. Accordingly Muraclami fought a good 
 battle with orator Taycho, in the occasional assemblies 
 of the populace. But as it is much more easy to inflame 
 than to allay, to accuse than to acquit, to asperse than to 
 purify, to unveil truth than to varnish falsehood — in a word, 
 to patronise a good cause than to support a bad one — the 
 majesty of the mob snuffed up the excrementitious salts 
 of Taycho's invectives, until their jugulars ached, while 
 they rejected with signs of loathing the flowers of Mura- 
 clami's elocution ; just as a citizen of Edinburgh stops his 
 nose when he passes by the shop of a perfumer. 
 
 While the constitution of human nature remains un- 
 changed, satire will be always better received than panegyric, 
 in those popular harangues. The Athenians and Romans 
 were better pleased with the Philippics of Demosthenes and 
 Tully, than they would have been with all the praise those 
 two orators could have culled from the stores of their 
 eloquence. A man feels a secret satisfaction in seeing his 
 neighbour treated as a rascal. If he be a knave himself 
 (which ten to one is the case), he rejoices to see a character 
 brought down to the level of his own, and a new member 
 added to his society ; if he be one degree removed from 
 actual roguery (which is the case with nine-tenths of those 
 who enjoy the reputation of virtue), he indulges himself with 
 the Pharisaical consolation, of thanking God he is not like 
 that publican. 
 
 But to return from this digression, Muraclami, though 
 he could not with all his talents maintain any sort of com- 
 petition with Taycho, in the opinion of the mob ; he, 
 nevertheless, took a more effectual method to weaken the 
 fo ce of his opposition. He pointed out to Fika-kaka the 
 proper means for amending the errors of his administration : 
 he proposed measures for prosecuting the war with vigour : 
 he projected plans of conquest in Fatsissio : recommended 
 active officers : forwarded expeditions, and infused such a 
 spirit into the councils of Japan, as had not before appeared 
 for some centuries. 
 
 But his patron was precluded from the benefit of these
 
 3oo ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 measures, by the obstinate prejudice and precipitation of 
 the Dairo, who valued his Yessian farm above all the empire 
 of Japan. This precious morsel of inheritance bordered 
 upon the territories of a Tartar chief called Brut-an-tiffi, 
 a famous freebooter, who had inured his Kurd to bloodshed, 
 and enriched himself with rapine. Of all mankind he hated 
 most the Dairo, though his kinsman ; and sought a pretence 
 for seizing the farm, which in three days he could have made 
 his own. The Dairo Got-hama-baba was not ignorant 
 of his sentiments. He trembled for his cabin, when he con- 
 sidered its situation between h?wk and buzzard ; exposed 
 on one side to the talons of Brut-an-tiffi, and open on the 
 other to the incursions of the Chinese, under whose auspices 
 the said Brut-an-tiffi had acted formerly as a zealous partisan. 
 He had, indeed, in a former quarrel exerted himself with 
 such activity and rancour, to thwart the politics of the 
 Dairo, and accumulate expenses on the subjects of Niphon, 
 that he was universally detested through the whole empire 
 of Japan as a lawless robber, deaf to every suggestion of 
 humanity, respecting no law, restricted by no treaty, scoffing 
 at all religion, goaded by ambition, instigated by cruelty, 
 and attended by rapine. 
 
 In order to protect the farm from such a dangerous 
 neighbour, Got-hama-baba, by an effort of sagacity peculiar 
 to himself, granted a large subsidy from the treasury of 
 Japan, to a remote nation of Mantchoux Tartars, on 
 condition that they should march to the assistance of his 
 farm, whenever it should be attacked. With the same 
 sanity of foresight, the Dutch might engage in a defensive 
 league with the Ottoman Porte, to screen them from the 
 attempts of the most Christian king, who is already on their 
 frontiers. Brut-an-tiffi knew his advantage, and was resolved 
 to enjoy it. He had formed a plan of usurpation, which 
 could not be executed without considerable sums of money. 
 He gave the Dairo to understand, he was perfectly sensible 
 how much the farm lay at his mercy : then proposed, that 
 Got-hama-baba should renounce his subsidiary treaty with 
 the Mantchoux ; pay a yearly tribute to him, Brut-an-tiffi,
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 301 
 
 in consideration of his forbearing to seize the farm ; and 
 maintain an army to protect it on the other side from the 
 irruptions of the Chinese. 
 
 Got-hama-baba, alarmed at this declaration, began by 
 his emissaries to sound the inclinations of his Japanese 
 subjects touching a continental war, for the preservation 
 of the farm ; but he found them totally averse to his wise 
 system of politics. Taycho, in particular, began to bawl 
 and bellow among the mob, upon the absurdity of attempting 
 to defend a remote cabin, which was not defensible ; upon 
 the iniquity of ruining a mighty empire, for the sake of 
 preserving a few barren acres, a naked common, a poor, 
 pitiful, pelting farm, the interest of which, like Aaron's 
 rod, had already, on many occasions, swallowed up all regard 
 and consideration for the advantage of Japan. He inveighed 
 against the shameful and senseless partiality of Got-hama- 
 baba : he mingled menaces with his representations. He 
 expatiated on the folly and pernicious tendency of a conti- 
 nental war : he enlarged upon the independence of Japan, 
 secure in her insular situation. He declared, that not a man 
 should be sent to the continent, nor a subsidy granted to 
 any greedy, mercenary, freebooting Tartar ; and threatened, 
 that if any corrupt minister should dare to form such a 
 connection he would hang it about his neck, like a millstone, 
 to sink him to perdition. The bellows of Taycho's oratory 
 blew up such a flame in the nation, that the Cuboy and all 
 his partisans were afraid to whisper one syllable about the 
 farm. 
 
 Meanwhile, Brut-an-tiffi, in order to quicken their deter- 
 minations, withdrew the garrison he had in a town on the 
 I rentiers of China, and it was immediately occupied by the 
 Chinese : an army of whom poured in like a deluge through 
 this opening upon the lands adjoining to the farm. Got- 
 hama-baba was now seized with a fit of temporary distraction . 
 He foamed and raved, and cursed and swore in the Tartarian 
 language : he declared he would challenge Brut-an-tiffi to 
 
 igle combat. He not only kicked but also cuffed the 
 council of twenty-eight, and played at football with his
 
 302 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 imperial tiara. Fika-kaka was dumfounded : Sti-phi-rum- 
 poo muttered something about a commission of lunacy : 
 Nin-kom-poo-po pronounced the words flat-bottomed 
 junks ; but his teeth chattered so much that his meaning 
 could not be understood. The Fatzman offered to cross 
 the sea and put himself at the head of a body of light horse, 
 to observe the motions of the enemy : and Gotto-mia 
 prayed fervently within himself, that God Almighty would 
 be pleased to annihilate that accursed farm, which had been 
 productive of such mischief to Japan. Nay, he even ventured 
 to exclaim, " Would to God, the farm was sunk in the 
 middle of the Tartarian ocean ! " — " Heaven forbid ! " cried 
 the president Soo-san-sin-o, " for in that case, Japan must 
 be at the expense of weighing it up again." 
 
 In the midst of this perplexity, they were suddenly 
 surprised at the apparition of Taycho's head nodding from 
 a window that overlooked their deliberations. At sight 
 of this horrid spectacle the council broke up. The Dairo 
 fled to the inmost recesses of the palace, and all his counsellors 
 vanished, except the unfortunate Fika-kaka, whose fear 
 had rendered him incapable of any sort of motion but one, 
 and that he instantly had to a very efficacious degree. 
 Taycho bolting in at the window, advanced to the Cuboy 
 without ceremony, and accosted him in these words : " It 
 depends upon the Cuboy, whether Taycho continues to 
 oppose his measures, or becomes his most obsequious servant. 
 Arise, illustrious Quanbuku, and cast your eyes upon the 
 steps by which I ascended." Accordingly Fika-kaka looked, 
 and saw 3 multitude of people who had accompanied their 
 orator into the court of the palace, and raised for him an 
 occasional stair of various implements. The first step was 
 made by an old fig-box, the second by a nightman's bucket, 
 the third by a cask of hempseed, the fourth by a tar-barrel, 
 the fifth by an empty kilderkin, the sixth by a keg, the seventh 
 by a bag of soot, the eighth by a fish-woman's basket, the 
 ninth by a rotten pack-saddle, and the tenth by a block of 
 hard wood from the island of Fatsissio. It was supported 
 on one side by a varnished lettered post, and on the other
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 303 
 
 by a crazy hogshead. The artificers who erected this 
 climax, and now exulted over it with hideous clamour, con- 
 sisted of grocers, scavengers, halter-makers, carpenters, 
 draymen, distillers, chimney-sweepers, oysterwomen, ass 
 drivers, aldermen, and dealers in waste paper. To make 
 myself understood, I am obliged, Peacock, to make use of 
 those terms and denominations which are known in this 
 metropolis. 
 
 Fika-kaka, having considered this work with astonishment, 
 and heard the populace declare upon oath, that they would 
 exalt their orator above all competition, was again addressed 
 by the invincible Taycho. " Your Quanbukuship perceives 
 how bootless it will be to strive against the torrent. What 
 need is there of many words ? Admit me to a share of the 
 administration — I will commence your humble slave — I 
 will protect the farm at the expense of Japan, while there 
 is an oban left in the island of Niphon ; and I will muzzle 
 these bears so effectually, that they shall not show their 
 teeth, except in applauding our proceedings." An author 
 who sees the apparition of a bailiff standing before him in 
 his garret, and instead of being shown a capias, is presented 
 with a bank-note ; an impatient lover stopped upon Bagshot 
 heath by a person in a mask, who proves to be his sweetheart 
 come to meet him in disguise, for the sake of the frolic : a 
 condemned criminal, who, on the morning of execution 
 day, instead of being called upon by the finisher of the law, 
 is visited by the sheriff with a free pardon ; could not be 
 more agreeably surprised than was Fika-kaka at the dema- 
 gogue's declaration. He Hew into his embrace and wept 
 aloud with joy, calling him his dear Taycho. He squeezed 
 his hand, kissed him on both cheeks, and swore he should 
 share the better half of all his power : then he laughed 
 and snivelled by turns, lolled out his tongue, waddled about 
 chamber, wriggled and niggled and noddled. Finally, 
 he undertook to prepare the Dairo for his reception, and it 
 was agreed that the orator should wait on his new colleague 
 next morning. This matter being settled to their mutual 
 satisfaction, Taycho retreated through the window into
 
 304 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 the courtyard, and was convoyed home in triumph by 
 that many-headed hydra, the mob, which shook its multi- 
 tudinous tail, and brayed through every throat with hideous 
 exultation. 
 
 The Cuboy, meanwhile, had another trial to undergo, 
 a trial which he had not foreseen. Taycho was no sooner 
 departed, than he hied him to the Dairo's cabinet, in order 
 to communicate the happy success of his negotiation. But 
 at certain periods, Got-hama-baba's resentment was more 
 than a match for any other passion that belonged to his 
 disposition, and now it was its turn to reign. The Dairo 
 was made of very combustible materials, and these had been 
 kindled up by the appearance of orator Taycho, who (he 
 knew) had treated his person with indecent freedoms, and 
 publicly vilified the worship of the White Horse. When 
 Fika-kaka, therefore, told him he had made peace with the 
 demagogue, the Dairo, instead of giving him the kick of 
 approbation, turned his own back upon the Cuboy, and 
 silenced him with a boh ! Had Fika-kaka assailed him with 
 the same syllogistical sophism which was used by the Stagyrite 
 to Alexander in a passion, perhaps he might have listened to 
 reason : 'H opyr] ovTrposicrow;, dAA.a7rp6sTous KpeiTTOvas/yiveTau, 
 2oi Se ovScis io-os — " Anger should be raised not by our equals, 
 but by our superiors ; but you have no equal." — Certain it is, 
 that Got-hama-baba had no equal ; but Fika-kaka was no 
 more like Aristotle, than his master resembled Alexander. 
 The Dairo remained deaf to all his remonstrances, tears, 
 and entreaties, until he declared that there was no other way 
 of saving the farm, but that of giving a carte blanche to 
 Taycho. This argument seemed at once to dispel the 
 clouds which had been compelled by his indignation : he 
 consented to receive the orator in quality of minister, and 
 next day was appointed for his introduction. 
 
 In the morning Taycho the Great repaired to the palace 
 of the Cuboy, where he privately performed the ceremony 
 of osculation a -posteriori, sang a solemn palinodia on the 
 subject of political system, repeated and signed the Buponian 
 creed, embraced the religion of Fakku-basi, and adored the
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 305 
 
 White Horse with, marks of unfeigned piety and contrition. 
 Then he was conducted to the ante-chamber of the emperor, 
 who could not, without great difficulty, so far master his 
 personal dislike, as to appear before him with any degree 
 of composure. He was brought forth by Fika-kaka like 
 a tame bear to the stake, if that epithet of tame can be given 
 with any propriety to an animal which nobody but his keeper 
 dares approach. The orator, perceiving him advance, 
 made a low obeisance, according to the custom of Japan, 
 that is, by bending the body averse from the Dairo, and 
 laying the right hand upon the left buttock ; and pronounced 
 with an audible voice, " Behold, invincible Got-hama-baba, 
 a sincere penitent come to make atonement for his virulent 
 opposition to your government, for his atrocious insolence 
 to your sacred person. I have calumniated your favourite 
 farm, I have questioned your integrity, I have vilified your 
 character, ridiculed your understanding, and despised your 
 authority." — This recapitulation was so disagreeable to the 
 Dairo, that he suddenly flew off at a tangent, and retreated 
 growling to his den ; from whence he could by no means 
 be lugged again by the Cuboy, until Taycho, exalting his 
 voice, uttered these words : " But I will exalt your authority 
 more than ever it was debased. I will extol your wisdom, 
 and expatiate on your generosity ; I will glorify the White 
 Horse, and sacrifice all the treasures of Japan, if needful, 
 for the protection of the farm of Yesso." By these cabalis- 
 tical sounds the wrath of Got-hama-baba was entirely ap- 
 peased. He now returned with an air of gaiety, strutting, 
 sideling, circling, fluttering, and cobbling like a turkey- 
 cock in his pride, when he displays his feathers to the 
 sun. Taycho hailed the omen ; and turning his face from 
 the emperor, received such a salutation on the os sacrum, 
 that the parts continued vibrating and tingling for several 
 days. 
 
 An indenture tripartite was now drawn up and executed. 
 Fika-kaka was continued treasurer, with his levees, his 
 bonzes, and his places ; and orator Taycho undertook, in 
 the character of chief scribe, to protect the farm of Yesso, 
 
 20
 
 306 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 as well as to bridle and manage the blatant beast whose 
 name was Legion. That a person of his kidney should have 
 the presumption to undertake such an affair, is not at all 
 surprising ; the wonder is, that his performance should even 
 exceed his promise. The truth is, he promised more than 
 he could have performed, had not certain unforeseen inci- 
 dents, in which he had no concern, contributed towards 
 the infatuation of the people. 
 
 The first trial to which he brought his ascendency over 
 the mob, was his procuring from them a free gift, to enable 
 the Dairo to arm his own private tenants in Yesso, to- 
 gether with some raggamufRn Tartars in the neighbourhood, 
 for the defence of the farm. They winked so hard upon 
 this first Overt act of his apostasy, that he was fully persuaded 
 they had resigned up all their senses to his direction ; and 
 resolved to show them to all Europe, as a surprising instance 
 of his art in monster-taming. This furious beast not only 
 suffered itself to be bridled and saddled, but frisked and 
 fawned, and purred and yelped, and crouched before the 
 orator, licking his feet, and presenting its back to the burthens 
 which he was pleased to impose. Immediately after this 
 first essay, Quamba-cun-dono, the Fatzman, was sent over 
 to assemble and command a body of light horse in Yesso, 
 in order to keep an eye on the motions of the enemy ; and 
 indeed this vigilant and sagacious commander conducted 
 himself with such activity and discretion, that he soon 
 brought the war in those parts to a point of termination. 
 
 Meanwhile, Brut-an-tiffi continuing to hover on the 
 skirts of the farm, at the head of his myrmidons, and de- 
 manding of the Dairo a categorical answer to the hints he 
 had given, Got-hama-baba underwent several successive 
 fits of impatience and distraction. The Cuboy, instigated 
 by his own partisans, and in particular by Muraclami, 
 who hoped to see Taycho take some desperate step that 
 would ruin his popularity : I say, the Cuboy thus stimulated, 
 began to ply the orator with such pressing entreaties as he 
 could no longer resist ; and now he exhibited such a specimen 
 of his own power and the people's insanity, as transcends
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 307 
 
 the flight of ordinary faith. Without taking the least trouble 
 to scratch their long ears, tickle their noses, drench them 
 with mandragora or Geneva, or make the slightest apology 
 for his own turning tail to the principles which he had all 
 his life so strenuously inculcated, he crammed down their 
 throats an obligation to pay a yearly tribute to Brut-an- 
 tiffi, in consideration of his forbearing to seize the Dairo's 
 farm ; a tribute which amounted to seven times the value 
 of the lands for the defence of which it was paid. When 
 I said crammed, I ought to have used another phrase. 
 The beast, far from showing any signs of loathing, closed 
 its eyes, opened its hideous jaws, and as it swallowed 
 the inglorious bond, wagged its tail in token of entire 
 satisfaction. 
 
 No fritter on Shrove Tuesday was ever more dexterously 
 turned, than were the hydra's brains by this mountebank 
 in patriotism, this juggler in politics, this cat in pan, or cake 
 in pan, or Kara. ttcLv in principle. Some people gave out 
 that he dealt with a conjurer, and others scrupled not to 
 insinuate that he had sold himself to the evil spirit. But 
 there was no occasion for a conjurer to deceive those whom 
 the demon of folly had previously confounded ; and as to 
 selling, he sold nothing but the interest of his country ; 
 and of that he made a very bad bargain. Be that as it 
 may, the Japanese now viewed Brut-an-tiffi either through 
 a new perspective, or else surveyed him with organs entirely 
 metamorphosed. 
 
 Yesterday they detested him as a profligate rufflan lost to 
 all sense of honesty and shame, addicted to all manner of 
 vice, a scoffer at religion, particularly that of Fakku-basi, 
 the scourge of human nature, and the inveterate enemy 
 of Japan. To-day, they glorified him as an unblemished 
 hero, the protector of good faith, the mirror of honesty, 
 the pattern of every virtue, a saint in piety, a devout votary 
 to the White Horse, a friend to mankind, the fast ally and 
 the firmest prop of the Japanese empire. The farm of 
 Yesso which they had so long execrated as a putrid and 
 painful excrescence upon the breech of the country, which
 
 308 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 would never be quiet until this cursed wart was either 
 exterminated or taken away ; they now fondled as a 
 favourite mole, nay, and cherished as the apple of their eye. 
 One would have imagined that all the inconsistencies and 
 absurdities which characterise the Japanese nation had 
 taken their turns to reign, just as the interest of Taycho's 
 ambition required. When it was necessary for him to 
 establish new principles, at that very instant their levity 
 prompted them to renounce their former maxims. Just 
 as he had occasion to fascinate their senses, the demon of 
 caprice instigated them to shut their eyes, and hold out 
 their necks, that they might be led by the nose. At the very 
 nick of time, when he adopted the cause of Brut-an-tiffi, 
 in diametrical opposition to all his former professions, the 
 spirit of whim and singularity disposed them to kick against 
 the shins of common sense, deny the light of day at noon, 
 and receive in their bosoms as a dove, the man whom before 
 they had shunned as a serpent. Thus everything concurred 
 to establish for orator Taycho, a despotism of popularity ; 
 and that not planned by reason, or raised by art, but founded 
 on fatality and finished by accident. Quos Jupiter vult 
 perdere prius dementat. 
 
 Brut-an-tiffi being so amply gratified by the Japanese 
 for his promise of forbearance with respect to the farm of 
 Yesso, and determined at all events to make some new 
 acquisition, turned his eyes upon the domains of Pol-hassan- 
 akousti, another of his neighbours, who had formed a most 
 beautiful colony in this part of Tartary ; and rushed upon 
 it at a minute's warning. His resolution in this respect 
 was so suddenly taken, and quickly executed, that he had 
 not yet formed any excuse for this outrage, in order to save 
 appearances. Without giving himself the trouble to invent 
 a pretence, he drove old Pol-hassan-akousti out of his 
 residence ; compelled the domestics of that prince to 
 enter among his own banditti ; plundered his house, seized 
 the archives of his family, threatened to shoot the ancient 
 gentlewoman his wife, exacted heavy contributions from 
 the tenants ; then dispersed a manifesto in which he declared
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 309 
 
 himself the best friend of the said Akousti and his spouse, 
 assuring him he would take care of his estate as a precious 
 deposit to be restored to him in due season. In the mean- 
 time, he thought proper to sequester the rents, that they 
 might not enable Pol-hassan to take any measures that 
 should conduce to his own prejudice. As for the articles 
 of meat, drink, clothing, and lodging, for him and his wife, 
 and a large family of small children, he had nothing to do 
 but depend upon Providence, until the present troubles 
 should be appeased. His behaviour on this occasion, Peacock, 
 puts me in mind of the Spaniard whom Philip II. employed 
 to assassinate his own son Don Carlos. This compassionate 
 Castilian, when the prince began to deplore his fate, twirled 
 his mustachio, pronouncing with great gravity these words 
 of comfort : " Calla, calla, Senor, todo que se haze es for su 
 bien " — " I beg your highness won't make any noise ; this 
 is all for your own good " — or the politeness of Gibbet 
 in the play called the Beaux Stratagem, to Mrs. Sullen, 
 " Your jewels, madam, if you please — don't be under any 
 uneasiness, madam — if you make any noise I shall blow 
 your brains out. I have a particular regard for the ladies, 
 madam." 
 
 But the possession of Pol-hassan's dominions was not the 
 ultimate aim of Brut-an-tifH. He had an eye to a fair and 
 fertile province belonging to a Tartar princess of the house of 
 Ostrog. He saw himself at the head of a numerous banditti 
 trained to war, fleshed in carnage, and eager for rapine ; 
 his coffers were filled with the spoils he had gathered in his 
 former frecbooting expeditions ; and the incredible sums 
 paid him as an annual tribute from Japan, added to his 
 other advantages, rendered him one of the most formidable 
 chiefs in all Tartary. Thus elated with the consciousness 
 of his own strength, he resolved to make a sudden irruption 
 into the dominions of Ostrog, at a season of the year when 
 that house could not avail itself of the alliances they had 
 formed with the other powers ; and he did not doubt but 
 that, in a few weeks, he should be able to subdue the whole 
 country belonging to the Amazonian princess. But I can
 
 3io ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 tell thee, Peacock, his views extended even farther than the 
 conquest of the Ostrog dominions. He even aspired at the 
 empire of Tartary, and had formed the design of deposing 
 the great Cham, who was intimately connected with the 
 princess of Ostrog. Inspired by these projects, he, at the 
 beginning of winter, suddenly poured like a deluge into one 
 of the provinces that owned this Amazon's sway ; but he 
 had hardly gained the passes of the mountains, when he 
 found himself opposed by a numerous body of forces, 
 assembled under the command of a celebrated general, 
 who gave him battle without hesitation, and handled him 
 so roughly, that he was fain to retreat into the demesnes 
 of Pol-hassan, where he spent the greatest part of the 
 winter in exacting contributions and extending the reign 
 of desolation. 
 
 All the petty princes and states who held of the great 
 Cham, began to tremble for their dominions, and the 
 Cham himself was so much alarmed at the lawless proceedings 
 of Brut-an-tiffi, that he convoked a general assembly of all 
 the potentates who possessed fiefs in the empire, in order 
 to deliberate upon measures for restraining the ambition 
 of this ferocious freebooter. Among others, the Dairo 
 of Japan, as lord of the farm of Yesso, sent a deputy to this 
 convention, who, in his master's name, solemnly disclaimed 
 and professed his detestation of Brut-an-tim's proceedings, 
 which, indeed, were universally condemned. The truth 
 is, he at this period, dreaded the resentment of all the other 
 co-estates rather more than he feared the menaces of Brut- 
 an-tiffi ; and, in particular, apprehended a sentence of 
 outlawry from the Cham, by which, at once, he would 
 have forfeited all legal title to his beloved farm. Brut-an- 
 tiffi on the other hand, began to raise a piteous clamour, 
 as if he meant to excite compassion. He declared himself 
 an injured prince, who had been a dupe to the honesty 
 and humanity of his own heart. He affirmed that the 
 Amazon of Ostrog had entered into a conspiracy against 
 him, with the Mantchoux Tartars, and Prince Akousti ; 
 he published particulars of this dreadful conjuration, which
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 311 
 
 appeared to be no other than a defensive alliance formed 
 in the apprehension that he would fall upon some of them, 
 without any regard to treaty, as he had done on a former 
 occasion, when he seized one of the Amazon's best provinces. 
 He publicly taxed the Dairo of Japan with having prompted 
 him to commence hostilities, and hinted that the said Dairo 
 was to have shared his conquests. He openly entreated 
 his co-estates to interpose their influence towards the re- 
 establishment of peace in the empire : and gave them 
 privately to understand, that he would ravage their territories 
 without mercy, should they concur with the Cham in any 
 sentence to his prejudice. 
 
 As he had miscarried in his first attempt, and perceived 
 a terrible cloud gathering round him, in all probability he 
 would have been glad to compound matters at this juncture, 
 on condition of being left in statu quo ; but this was a 
 condition not to be obtained. The Princess of Ostrog had 
 by this time formed such a confederacy as threatened him 
 with utter destruction. She had contracted an offensive 
 and defensive alliance with the Chinese, the Mantchoux, 
 and the Serednee Tartars ; and each of these powers engaged 
 to furnish a separate army to humble the insolence of Brut- 
 an-tiffi. The majority of the Tartar fiefs agreed to raise 
 a body of forces to act against him as a disturber of the 
 public peace ; the great Cham threatened him with a 
 degree of outlawry and rebellion ; and the Amazon herself 
 opposed him at the head of a very numerous and warlike 
 tribe, which had always been considered as the most formid- 
 able in that part of Tartary. Thus powerfully sustained, 
 she resolved to enjoy her revenge ; and at any rate re- 
 trieve the province which had been ravished from her by 
 Brut-an-tiffi, at a time when she was embarrassed with 
 other difficulties. 
 
 Brut-an-tiffi did not think himself so reduced as to pur- 
 chase peace with such a sacrifice. The Mantchoux were 
 at a distance, naturally slow in their motions, and had 
 a very long march through a desert country, which they 
 would not attempt without having first provided prodigious
 
 312 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 magazines. The Serednee were a divided people, among 
 whom he had made shift to foment intestine divisions, that 
 would impede the national operations of the war. The 
 Japanese Fatzman formed a strong barrier between him and 
 the Chinese ; the army furnished by the fiefs he despised as 
 raw, undisciplined militia ; besides, their declaring against 
 him afforded a specious pretence for laying their respective 
 dominions under contribution. But he chiefly depended 
 upon the coffers of Japan, which he firmly believed would 
 hold out until all his enemies should be utterly exhausted. 
 
 As this freebooter was a principal character in the drama 
 which I intend to rehearse, I shall sketch his portrait ac- 
 cording to the information I received from a fellow-atom 
 who once resided at his court, constituting part in one of the 
 organs belonging to his first chamberlain. His stature was 
 under the middle size ; his aspect mean and forbidding, 
 with a certain expression which did not at all prepossess the 
 spectator in favour of his morals. Had an accurate observer 
 beheld him without any exterior distinctions, in the streets 
 of the metropolis, he would have naturally clapped his hands 
 to his pockets. Thou hast seen the character of Gibbet 
 represented on the stage by a late comedian of expressive 
 feature. 
 
 Nature sometimes makes a strange contrast between the 
 interior workmanship and the exterior form ; but here the 
 one reflected a true image of the other. His heart never 
 felt an impression of tenderness : his notions of right and 
 wrong did not refer to any idea of benevolence, but were 
 founded entirely on the convenience of human commerce ; 
 and there was nothing social in the turn of his disposition. 
 By nature he was stern, insolent, and rapacious, uninfluenced 
 by any motive of humanity : unawed by any precept of 
 religion. With respect to religion, he took all opportunities 
 of exposing it to ridicule and contempt. Liberty of con- 
 science he allowed to such extent, as exceeded the bounds 
 of decorum, and disgraced all legislation. He pardoned 
 a criminal convicted of bestiality, and publicly declared 
 that all modes of religion, and every species of amour,
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 313 
 
 might be freely practised and prosecuted through all his 
 dominions. 
 
 His capacity was of the middling mould, and he had taken 
 some pains to cultivate his understanding. He had studied 
 the Chinese language, which he spoke with fluency, and 
 piqued himself upon his learning, which was but superficial. 
 His temper was so capricious and inconstant, that it was 
 impossible, even for those who knew him best, to foresee any 
 one particular of his personal demeanour. The same 
 individual he would caress and insult by turns, without 
 the least apparent change of circumstance. He has been 
 known to dismiss one of his favourites with particular marks 
 of regard, and the most flattering professions of affection ; 
 and before he had time to pull off his buskins at his own 
 house, he has been hurried on horseback by a detachment 
 of cavalry, and conveyed to the frontiers. Thus harassed, 
 without refreshment or repose, he was brought back by 
 another party, and reconveyed to the presence of Brut-an- 
 tiffi, who embraced him at meeting, and gently chid him for 
 being so long absent. The fixed principles of this Tartar 
 were these : insatiable rapacity, restless ambition, and an 
 insuperable contempt for the Japanese nation. His maxims 
 of government were entirely despotic. He considered 
 his subjects as slaves to be occasionally sacrificed to the 
 accomplishment of his capital designs ; but in the meantime, 
 he indulged them with the protection of equitable laws, 
 and encouraged them to industry for his own emolument. 
 
 His virtues consisted of temperance, vigilance, activity, 
 and perseverance. His folly chiefly appeared in childish 
 vanity and self-conceit. He amused himself with riding, 
 reviewing his troops, reading Chinese authors, playing on a 
 musical instrument in use among the Tartars, trifling with 
 buffoons, conversing with supposed wits, and reasoning 
 with pretended philosophers : but he had no communication 
 with the female sex ; nor, indeed, was there any ease, comfort, 
 or enjoyment to be derived from a participation of his 
 pastime. His wits, philosophers, and buffoons, were com- 
 posed of Chinese refugees, who soon discovered his weak
 
 3H ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 side, and flattered his vanity to an incredible pitch of 
 infatuation. 
 
 They persuaded him that he was an universal genius and 
 invincible hero, a sage legislator, a sublime philosopher, 
 a consummate politician, a divine poet, and an elegant 
 historian. They wrote systems, compiled memoirs, and 
 composed poems, which were published in his name ; nay, 
 they contrived witticisms which he uttered as his own. 
 They had, by means of commercial communication with the 
 banks of the Ganges, procured the history of a western 
 hero, called Raskalander, which, indeed, was no other than 
 the memoirs of Alexander written by Quintus Curtius. 
 translated from the Indian language, with an intermixture 
 of Oriental fables. This they recommended, with many 
 hyperbolical encomiums, to the perusal of Brut-an-tiffi, who 
 became enamoured of the performance, and was fired with 
 the ambition of rivalling, if not excelling, Raskalander, not 
 only as a warrior, but likewise as a patron of taste and a 
 protector of the liberal arts. As Alexander deposited 
 Homer's Iliad in a precious casket, so Brut-an-tiffi pro- 
 cured a golden box for preserving this sophistication of 
 Quintus Curtius. It was his constant companion : he 
 affected to read it in public ; and to lay it under his pillow 
 at night. 
 
 Thus pampered with adulation and intoxicated with 
 dreams of conquest, he made no doubt of being able to 
 establish a new empire in Tartary, which should entirely 
 eclipse the kingdom of Tum-ming-qua, and raise a reputation 
 that should infinitely transcend the fame of Yan, or any 
 emperor that ever sat upon the throne of Thibet. He 
 now took the field against the Amazon of the house of Ostrog ; 
 penetrated into her dominions ; defeated one of her generals 
 in a pitched battle ; and undertook the siege of one of her 
 principal cities, in full confidence of seeing her kneeling at 
 his gate before the end of the campaign. In the meantime, 
 her scattered troops were rallied and reinforced by another 
 old experienced commander, who being well acquainted 
 with the genius of his adversary, pitched upon an advan-
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 315 
 
 tageous situation, where he waited another attack. Brut-an- 
 tiffi, flushed with his former victory, and firmly persuaded 
 that no mortal power could withstand his prowess, gave him 
 battle at a very great disadvantage. The consequence was 
 natural. He lost great part of his army, was obliged to 
 abandon the siege, and retreat with disgrace. A separate 
 body, commanded by one of his ablest captains, met with 
 the same fate in a neighbouring country ; and a third 
 detachment at the farthest extremity of his dominions, 
 having attacked an army of the Mantchoux, was repulsed 
 with great loss. 
 
 These were not all the mortifications to which he was 
 exposed about this period. The Fatzman of Japan, who had 
 formed an army for the defence of the farm of Yesso against 
 the Chinese, met with a terrible disaster. Notwithstanding 
 his being outnumbered by the enemy, he exhibited many 
 proofs of uncommon activity and valour. At length they 
 came to blows with him, and handled him so roughly, that 
 he was fain to retreat from post to pillar, and leave the farm 
 at their mercy. Had he pursued his route to the right, he 
 might have found shelter in the dominions of Brut-an-tifn, 
 and this was his intention ; but, instead of marching in a 
 straight line he revolved to the right, like a planet round the 
 sun, impelled as it were by a compound impulse, until he 
 had described a regular semi-circle ; and then he found himself 
 with all his followers engaged in a sheep-pen, from whence 
 there was no egress ; for the enemy, who followed his steps, 
 immediately blocked up the entrance. The unfortunate 
 Fatzman being thus pounded, must have fallen a sacrifice 
 to his centripetal force, had not he been delivered by the 
 interposition of a neighbouring chief, who prevailed upon the 
 Chinese general to let Quamba-cun-dono escape, provided 
 his followers would lay down their arms, and return peaceably 
 to their own habitations. This was a bitter pill, which the 
 Fatzman was obliged to swallow, and is said to have cost 
 him five stone of suet. He returned to Japan in obscurity ; 
 the Chinese general took possession of the farm in the name 
 of his emperor ; and all the damage which the tenants
 
 316 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 sustained was nothing more than a change of masters, 
 which they had no cause to regret. 
 
 To the thinking part of the Japanese, nothing could be 
 more agreeable than this event, by which they were at Once 
 delivered from a pernicious excrescence, which, like an 
 ulcerated tumour, exhausted the juices of the body by which 
 it was fed. Brut-an-tiffi considered the transaction in a 
 different point of view. He foresaw that the Chinese forces 
 would now be at liberty to join his enemies, the tribe of 
 Ostrog, with whom the Chinese emperor was intimately 
 connected ; and that it would be next to impossible to 
 withstand the joint efforts of the confederacy which he had 
 brought upon his own head. He therefore raised a hideous 
 clamour. He accused the Fatzman of misconduct, and 
 insisted, not without a mixture of menaces, upon the Dairo's 
 assembling his forces in the country of Yesso. The Dairo 
 himself was inconsolable. He neglected his food, and 
 refused to confer with his ministers. He dismissed the 
 Fatzman from his service ; he locked himself in his cabinet, 
 and spent the hours in lamentation. " Oh, my dear farm 
 of Yesso ! " cried he, " shall I never more enjoy thy charms ! 
 Shall I never more regale my eye with thy beauteous 
 prospects, thy hills of heath, thy meads of broom, and 
 thy wastes of sand ! Shall I never more eat thy black 
 bread, drink thy brown beer, and feast upon thy delicate 
 porkers ! Shall I never more receive the homage of the 
 sallow Yessites, with their meagre faces, ragged skirts, and 
 wooden shoes ! Shall I never more improve their huts and 
 regulate their pigstyes ! Oh, cruel Fate ! In vain did I face 
 thy mud-walled mansion with a new freestone front ! In 
 vain did I cultivate thy turnip-garden ! In vain did I enclose 
 a piece of ground at a great expense, and raise a crop of 
 barley, the first that ever was seen in Yesso ! In vain did I 
 send over a breed of mules and black cattle for the purposes 
 of husbandry ! In vain did I supply you with all the im- 
 plements of agriculture ! In vain did I sow' grass and grain 
 for food, and plant trees, and furze and fern for shelter to 
 the game, which could not otherwise subsist upon your
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 317 
 
 naked downs ! In vain did I furnish your houseless sides, and 
 fill your hungry bellies with the good things of Japan ! In 
 vain did I expend the treasures of my empire for thy meliora- 
 tion and defence ! In vain did I incur the execration of 
 my people, if I must now lose thee for ever ; if thou must 
 now fall into the hands of an insolent alien, who has no 
 affection for thy soil, and no regard for thy interest ! O 
 Quamba-cun-dono ! Quamba-cun-dono ! how hast thou 
 disappointed my hope ! I thought thou wast too ponderous 
 to flinch ; that thou wouldst have stood thy ground, fixed 
 as the temple of Fakku-basi, and larded the lean earth with 
 thy carcase, rather than leave my farm uncovered : but, 
 alas ! thou hast fled before the enemy like a partridge on 
 the mountains ; and suffered thyself at last to be taken in a 
 snare like a foolish dotterel ! " 
 
 The Cuboy, who overheard this exclamation, attempted 
 to comfort him through the key-hole. He soothed, and 
 whined, and wheedled, and laughed, and wept all in a breath. 
 He exhorted the illustrious Got-hama-baba to bear this 
 misfortune with his wonted greatness of mind. He offered 
 to present his Imperial Majesty with lands in Japan that 
 should be equal in value to the farm he had lost : or, if that 
 should not be agreeable, to make good at the peace all the 
 damage that should be done to it by the enemy. Finally, 
 he cursed the farm, as the cause of his master's chagrin, and 
 fairly wished it at the devil. Here he was suddenly inter- 
 rupted with a " Bub-ub-ub-boh ! my Lord Cuboy, your 
 grace talks like an apothecary. Go home to your own 
 palace, and direct your cooks ; and may your Bonzes kiss 
 your a — to your heart's content. I swear by the horns of 
 the Moon and the hoofs of the White Horse, that my foot 
 shall not touch your posteriors these three days." — Fika-kaka, 
 having received this severe check, craved pardon in a whim- 
 pering tone, for the liberty he had taken, and retired to 
 consult with Muraclami, who advised him to summon orator 
 Taycho to his assistance. 
 
 This mob-driver being made acquainted with the passion 
 of the Dairo, and the cause of his distress, readily undertook
 
 3 i8 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 to make such a speech through the key-hole, as should 
 effectually dispel the emperor's despondence ; and to this 
 enterprise he was encouraged by the hyperbolical praises of 
 Muraclami, who exhausted all the tropes of his own rhetoric 
 in extolling the eloquence of Taycho. This triumvirate 
 immediately adjourned to the door of the apartment in 
 which Got-hama-baba was sequestered, where the orator, 
 kneeling upon a cushion, with his mouth applied to the 
 key-hole, opened the sluices of his elocution to this effect : 
 
 " Most gracious ! "— " Bo, bo, boh ! "— " Most illus- 
 trious ! "— " Bo, boh ! "— " Most invincible Got-hama- 
 baba ! " — " Boh ! " — " When the sun, that glorious lumin- 
 ary, is obscured by envious clouds, all nature saddens, 
 and seems to sympathise with his apparent distress. Your 
 Imperial Majesty is the sun of our hemisphere, whose 
 splendour illuminates our throne ; and whose genial warmth 
 enlivens our hearts ; and shall we, your subjects, your 
 slaves, the creatures of your nod — shall we, unmoved, 
 behold your ever-glorious effulgence overcast ? No ! while 
 the vital stream bedews our veins, while our souls retain 
 the faculty of reason, and our tongues the power of speech, 
 we shall not cease to embalm your sorrow with our tears ; we 
 shall not cease to pour the overflowings of our affection— 
 our filial tenderness, which will always be reciprocal with 
 your parental care : these are the inexhaustible sources of 
 the nation's happiness. They may be compared to the 
 rivers Jodo and Jodo-gava, which derive their common 
 origin from +he vast lake of Ami. The one winds its silent 
 course, calm, clear, and majestic, reflecting the groves and 
 palaces that adorn its banks, and fertilising the delightful 
 country through which it runs : the other gushes impetuous 
 through a rugged channel, and less fertile soil ; yet seives to 
 beautify a number of wild romantic scenes ; to fill a hundred 
 aqueducts, and to turn a thousand mills : at length they 
 join their streams below the imperial city of Meaco, and form 
 a mighty flood devolving to the bay of Osaca, bearing on its 
 spacious bosom the riches of Japan."- -Here the orator 
 paused for breath. The Cuboy clapped him on the back,
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 319 
 
 whispering, " Super-excellent ! Oh, charming simile ! 
 Another such will sink the Dairo's grief to the bottom of the 
 sea : and his heart will float like a blown bladder upon the 
 waves of Kugava." Muraclami was loud in his praise, while 
 he squeezed an orange between the lips of Taycho : and 
 Got-hama-baba seemed all attention. At length the orator 
 resumed his subject. " Think not, august emperor, that 
 the cause of your disquiet is unknown, or unlamented by 
 your weeping servants. We have not only perceived your 
 eclipse, but discovered the invidious body by whose inter- 
 position that eclipse is effected. The rapacious arms of the 
 hostile Chinese have seized the farm of Yesso ! " — " Oh, oh, 
 oh ! " — " That farm so cherished by your imperial favour : 
 that farm which, in the north of Tartary, shone like a jewel 
 in an ^Ethiop's ear — yes, that jewel hath been snatched 
 by the savage hand of a Chinese freebooter. But dry your 
 tears, my prince : that jewel shall detect his theft, and light 
 us to revenge. It shall become a rock to crush him in his 
 retreat : a net of iron to entangle his steps ; a fallen trunk, 
 over which his feet shall stumble. It shall hang like a weight 
 about his neck, and sink him to the lowest gulf of perdition. 
 Be comforted, then, my liege ! Your farm is rooted to the 
 centre ; it can neither be concealed nor removed. Nay, 
 should he hide it at the bottom of the ocean ; or place it 
 among the constellations in the heavens ; your faithful 
 Taycho would fish it up entire, or tear it headlong from the 
 starry firmament. We will retrieve the farm of Yesso." — 
 ; ' But how, how, how, dear orator Taycho ? " — " The 
 empire of Japan shall be mortgaged for the sake of that 
 precious — that sacred spot, which produced the patriarch 
 apostle Bupo, and resounded under the hoofs of the holy 
 steed. Your people of Japan shall chant the litany of 
 Fakku-basi. They shall institute crusades for the recovery 
 of the farm ; they shall pour their treasures at your imperial 
 feet ; they shall clamour for imposition ; they shall load 
 themselves with tenfold burthens, desolate their country, 
 and beggar their posterity in behalf of Yesso. With these 
 funds, I could undertake even to overturn the councils of
 
 320 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 Pekin. While the Tartar princes deal in the trade of blood, 
 there will be no want of hands to cut away those noxious 
 weeds which have taken root in the farm of Yesso : those 
 vermir that have pressed upon her delightful blossoms ! 
 Amidst such a variety of remedies, there can be no difficulty 
 in choosing. Like -a weary traveller, I will break a bough 
 from the first pine that presents, and brush away those 
 troublesome insects that gnaw the fruits of Yesso. Should 
 not the mercenary bands of Tartary suffice to repel those 
 insolent invaders, I will engage to chain this island to the 
 continent : to build a bridge from shore to shore, that shall 
 afford a passage more free and ample, than the road to 
 Hell. Through this avenue, I will ride the mighty beast 
 whose name is Legion. I have studied the art of war, my 
 liege : I had once the honour to serve my country as Lance- 
 presado, in the militia of Niphon. I will unpeople these 
 realms, and overspread the land of Yesso, with the forces 
 of Japan." 
 
 Got-hama-baba could no longer resist the energy of such 
 expressions. He flew to the door of his cabinet, and em- 
 braced the orator in a transport of joy ; while Fika-kaka fell 
 upon his neck, and wept aloud : and Muraclami kissed the 
 hem of his garment. 
 
 You must know, Peacock, I had by this time changed my 
 situation. I was discharged in the perspiratory vapour, 
 from the perinaeum of the Cuboy, and sucked into the lungs 
 of Muraclami, through which I pervaded into the course 
 of the circulation, and visited every part of his composition. 
 I found the brain so full and compact, that there was not 
 room for another particle of matter. But instead of a heart, 
 he had a membranous sac, or hollow viscus, cold and callous, 
 the habitation of sneaking caution, servile flattery, griping 
 avarice, creeping malice, and treacherous deceit. Among 
 these tenants it was my fate to dwell ; and there I dis- 
 covered the motives by which the lawyer's conduct was 
 influenced. He now secretly rejoiced at the presumption 
 of Taycho, which he hoped had already prompted him to 
 undertake more than he could perform ; in which case he
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 321 
 
 would infallibly incur disgrace, either with the Dairo or 
 the people. 
 
 It is not impossible but this hope might have been realised, 
 had not fortune unexpectedly interposed, and operated as 
 an auxiliary to the orator's presumption. Success began to 
 dawn upon the arms of Japan in the island of Fatsissio ; and 
 towards the end of the campaign, Brut-an-tiffi obtained two 
 petty advantages in Tartary, against one body of Chinese, 
 and another of the Ostrog. All these were magnified into 
 astonishing victories, and ascribed to the wisdom and courage 
 of Taycho, because during his ministry they were obtained ; 
 though he neither knew why, nor wherefore : and was in this 
 respect as innocent as his master, Got-hama-baba, and his 
 colleague, Fika-kaka. He had penetration enough to 
 perceive, however, that these events had intoxicated the 
 rabble, and began to pervert their ideas. Success of any 
 kind is apt to perturb the weak brain of a Japanese ; but the 
 acquisition of any military trophy produces an actual 
 delirium. The streets of Meaco were filled with multitudes 
 who shouted, whooped, and hallooed. They made processions 
 with flags and banners ; they illuminated their houses ; 
 they extolled Ian-on-i, a provincial captain of Fatsissio, who 
 had by accident repulsed a body of the enemy, and reduced 
 an old barn which he had fortified. They magnified Brut- 
 an-tiffi ; they deified orator Taycho ; they drank, they 
 damned, they squabbled, and acted a thousand extrava- 
 gances which I shall not pretend to enumerate or particu- 
 larise. Taycho, who knew their trim, seized this oppor- 
 tunity to strike while the iron was hot. He forthwith 
 mounted an old tub, which was his public rostrum, and 
 waving his hand in an oratorial attitude, was immediately 
 surrounded by the thronging populace. I have already- 
 given you a specimen of his manner, and therefore shall 
 not repeat the tropes and figures of his harangue ; but only 
 sketch out the plan of his address, and specify the chain 
 of his argument alone. He assailed them in the way ol 
 paradox, which never fails to produce a wonderful effect 
 upon a heated imagination and a shallow understanding. 
 
 21
 
 322 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 Having in this exordium artfully fascinated their faculties, 
 like a juggler in Bartholomew Fair, by means of an assem- 
 blage of words without meaning or import, he proceeded to 
 demonstrate, that a wise and good man ought to discard his 
 maxims the moment he finds they are certainly established 
 on the foundation of eternal truth. That the people of 
 Japan ought to preserve the farm of Yesso, as the apple of 
 their eye, because nature had disjointed it from their empire ; 
 and the maintenance of it would involve them in all the 
 quarrels of Tartary ; that it was to be preserved at all 
 hazards, because it was not worth preserving ; that all the 
 power and opulence of Japan ought to be exerted and em- 
 ployed in its defence, because, by the nature of its situation, 
 it could not possibly be defended ; that Brut-an-tiffi was 
 the great protector of the religion of the Bonzes, because he 
 had never shown the least regard to any religion at all ; that 
 he was the fa*t friend of Japan, because he had more than 
 once acted as a rancorous enemy to this empire, and never 
 let slip the least opportunity of expressing his contempt for 
 the subjects of Niphon ; that he was an invincible hero, 
 because he had been thrice beaten, and once compelled to 
 raise a siege, in the course of two campaigns ; that he was a 
 prince of consummate honour, because he had, in the time 
 of profound peace, usurped the dominions, and ravaged the 
 countries of his neighbours, in defiance of common honesty, 
 in violation of the most solemn treaties ; that he was the 
 most honourable and important ally that the empire of Japan 
 could choose, because his alliance was to be purchased with 
 an enormous annual tribute, for which he was bound to 
 perform no earthly office of friendship or assistance, because 
 connection with him effectually deprived Japan of the 
 friendship of all other princes and states of Tartary, and 
 the utmost exertion of his power could never conduce, in the 
 smallest degree, to the interest or advantage of the Japanese 
 empire. 
 
 Such were the propositions orator Taycho undertook to 
 demonstrate ; and the success justified his undertaking. 
 After a weak mind had been duly prepared, and turned as it
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 323 
 
 were, by opening a sluice or torrent of high-sounding words, 
 the greater the contradiction proposed, the stronger im- 
 pression it makes, because it increases the puzzle, and lays 
 fast hold on the admiration ; depositing the small proportion 
 of reason with which it was before impregnated, like the 
 vitriolic acid in the copper mines of Wicklow, into which, if 
 you immerse iron, it immediately quits the copper which it 
 had before dissolved, and unites with the other metal, to 
 which it has a stronger attraction. Orator Taycho was not 
 so well skilled in logic as to amuse his audience with definitions 
 of concrete and abstract terms ; or expatiate upon the genus 
 and the difference ; or state propositions by the subject, the 
 predicate, or the copula ; or form syllogisms by mood or 
 figure ; but he was perfectly well acquainted with all the 
 equivocal or synonymous words in his own language, and 
 could ring the changes on them with great dexterity. He 
 knew perfectly well how to express the same ideas by words 
 that literally implied opposition — for example, a valuable 
 conquest or an invaluable conquest ; a shameful rascal or 
 a shameful villain ; a hard head or a soft head ; a large 
 conscience or no conscience ; immensely great or immensely 
 little ; damned high or damned low ; damned bitter, 
 damned sweet ; damned severe, damned insipid ; and 
 damned fulsome. He knew how to invert the sense of words 
 by changing the manner of pronunciation — e.g., " You are 
 a very pretty fellow ! " to signify, " You are a very dirty 
 scoundrel." — " You have always spoken respectfully of the 
 higher powers ! " to express, " You have often insulted your 
 betters, and even your sovereign." — " You have never turned 
 tail to the principles you professed ! " to declare, " You 
 have acted the part of an infamous apostate." He was well 
 aware that words alter their signification according to the 
 circumstances of times, customs, and the difference of 
 opinion. Thus the name of Jack, who used to turn the 
 spit, and pull off his master's boots, was transferred to an 
 iron machine, and a wooden instrument now substituted for 
 these purposes ; thus a stand for the tea-kettle acquired the 
 name of a footman ; and the words Canon and Ordinance,
 
 324 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 signifying originally a rule or law, were extended to a piece 
 of artillery, which is counted the ultima lex, or ultima ratio 
 re gum. 
 
 In the same manner the words infidel, heresy, good man, 
 and political orthodoxy, imply very different significa- 
 tions, among different classes of people. A Mussulman is 
 an infidel at Rome, and a Christian is distinguished as an 
 unbeliever at Constantinople. A Papist by Protestantism 
 understands heresy ; to a Turk the same idea is conveyed by 
 the sect of Ali. The term good man at Edinburgh implies 
 fanaticism ; upon the Exchange of London it signifies cash ; 
 and in the general acceptation, benevolence. Political 
 orthodoxy has different, nay, opposite definitions, at different 
 
 places in the same kingdom ; at O and C ; at the 
 
 Cocoa Tree in Pall Mall ; and at Garraway's in Exchange 
 Alley Our orator was well acquainted with all the leger- 
 demain of his own language, as well as with the nature of the 
 beast he had to rule. He knew when to distract its weak 
 brain with a tumult of incongruous and contradictory ideas ; 
 he knew when to overwhelm its feeble faculty of thinking, 
 by pouring in a torrent of words without any ideas annexed. 
 These throng in, like city milliners to a Mile End assembly, 
 while it happens to be under the direction of a conductor 
 without strength and authority. Those that have ideas 
 annexed, may be compared to the females provided with 
 partners, which, though they may crowd the place, do not 
 absolutely destroy all regulation and decorum. But those 
 that are uncoupled, press in promiscuously, with such 
 impetuosity, and in such numbers, that the puny master of 
 the ceremonies is unable to withstand the irruption ; far 
 less to distinguish their quality, or accommodate them with 
 partners ; thus they fall into the dance without order, and 
 immediately anarchy ensues. Taycho having kept the 
 monster's brain on a simmer, until, like the cow-heel in Don 
 Quixote, it seemed to cry, Comenme, Comenme — " Come eat 
 me, come eat me" — then told him in plain terms, that it 
 was expedient they should part with their wives and their 
 children, their souls and their bodies, their substance and
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 325 
 
 their senses, their blood and their suet, in order to defend 
 the indefensible farm of Yesso, and to support Brut-an-tiffi, 
 their insupportable ally. The hydra, rolling itself in the 
 dust, turned up its huge, unwieldy paunch, and wagged its 
 forky tail ; then licked the feet of Taycho, and through all 
 its hoarse, discordant throats, began to bray applause. The 
 Dairo rejoiced in his success, the first-fruits of which con- 
 sisted in their agreeing to maintain an army of twenty thou- 
 sand Tartar mercenaries, who, reinforced by the flower of 
 the national troops of Japan, were sent over to defend the 
 farm of Yesso ; and in their consenting to prolong the annual 
 tribute granted to Brut-an-tiffi, who, in return for this 
 condescension, accommodated the Dairo with one of his 
 freebooting captains to command the Yessite army. This 
 new general had seen some service, and was counted a good 
 officer : but it was not so much on account of his military 
 character that he obtained this command, as for his dexterity 
 in prolonging the war ; his skill in exercising all the different 
 arts of peculation ; and his attachment to Brut-an-tiffi, with 
 whom he had agreed to co-operate in milking the Japanese 
 cow. 
 
 This plan they executed with such effect, as could not 
 possibly result from address alone, unassisted by the infatua- 
 tion of those whom they pillaged. Every article of contin- 
 gent expense for draught-horses, waggons, postage, forage, 
 provision, and secret service, was swelled to such a degree 
 as did violence to common sense as well as common honesty. 
 The general had a fellow-feeling with all the contractors in 
 the army, who were connected with him in such a manner 
 as seemed to preclude all possibility of detection. In vain 
 some of the Japanese officers endeavoured to pry into this 
 mysterious commerce ; in vain inspectors were appointed by 
 the Government of Japan. The first were removed on differ- 
 ent pretences : the last were encountered by such disgraces 
 and discouragements, as in a little time compelled them to 
 resign the office they had undertaken. In a word, there 
 was not a private mercenary Tartar soldier in this army, 
 who did not cost the empire of Japan as much as any subaltern
 
 326 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 officer of its own ; and the annual charge of this continental 
 war, undertaken for the protection of the farm of Yesso, 
 exceeded the whole expense of any former war which Japan 
 had ever maintained on its own account, since the beginning 
 of the empire : nay, it was attended with one circumstance 
 which rendered it still more insupportable. The money 
 expended in armaments and operations, equipped and 
 prosecuted on the side of Japan, was all circulated within 
 the empire ; so that it still remained useful to the community 
 in general : but no instance could be produced, of a single 
 copan that ever returned from the continent of Tartary ; 
 therefore, all the sums sent thither, were clear loss to the 
 subjects of Japan. Orator Taycho acted as a faithful ally 
 to Brut-an-tiffi, by stretching the bass-strings of the mobile 
 in such a manner as to be always in concert with the ex- 
 travagance of the Tartar's demands, and the absurdity of 
 the Dairo's predilection. Fika-kaka was astonished at this 
 phenomena ; while Muraclami hoped in secret, that the 
 orator's brain was disordered ; and that his insanity would 
 soon stand confessed, even to the conviction of the people. — 
 " If," said he to himself, " they are not altogether destitute 
 of human reason, they must, of their own accord, perceive 
 and comprehend this plain proposition : a cask of water that 
 discharges three by one pipe, and receives no more than two 
 by another, must infallibly be emptied at the long run. 
 Japan discharges three millions of obans every year for the 
 defence of that blessed farm, which, were it put up to sale, 
 would not fetch one-sixth part of the sum ; and the annual 
 balance of her trade with all the world brings in two millions : 
 ergo, it runs out faster than it runs in, and the vessel at the 
 long run must be empty." Muraclami was mistaken. He 
 had studied philosophy only in profile. He had endeavoured 
 to investigate the sense, but he had never fathomed the 
 absurdities of human nature. All that Taycho had done for 
 Yesso, amounted not to one-third of what was required for 
 the annual expense of Japan while it maintained the war 
 against China in different quarters of Asia. A former Cuboy 
 (rest his soul !), finding it impossible to raise within the year
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 327 
 
 the exorbitant supplies that were required to gratify the 
 avarice and ambition of the Dairo, had contrived the method 
 of funding, which hath been lately adopted with such 
 remarkable success in this kingdom. You know, Peacock, 
 this is no more than borrowing a certain sum on the credit 
 of the nation, and laying a fresh tax upon the public, to 
 defray the interest of every sum thus borrowed : an excellent 
 expedient, when kept within due bounds, for securing the 
 established government, multiplying the dependants of the 
 m— — y, and throwing all the money of the empire into the 
 hands of the administration. But those loans were so often 
 repeated, that the national debt had already swelled to an 
 enormous burthen : such a variety of taxes was laid upon 
 the subject, as grievously enhanced all the necessaries of life ; 
 consequently, the poor were distressed, and the price of 
 labour was raised to such a degree, that the Japanese 
 manufactures were everywhere undersold by the Chinese 
 traders, who employed iheir workmen at a more moderate 
 expense. 
 
 Taycho, in this dilemma, was seized with a strange conceit. 
 Alchemy was at that period become a favourite study in 
 Japan. Some Bonzes having more learning and avarice than 
 their brethren, applied themselves to the study of certain 
 Chaldean manuscripts, which their ancestors had brought 
 from Assyria ; and in these they found the substance of all 
 that is contained in the works of Hermes Trismegistus, 
 Geber, Zosymus, the Panapolite, Olympiodorus, Heliodorus, 
 Agathodaemon, Morienus, Albertus Magnus, and, above all, 
 your countryman Roger Bacon, who adopted Geber's 
 opinion, that Mercury is the common basis, and sulphur the 
 cement of all metals. By-the-bye, this same Friar Bacon was 
 well acquainted with the composition of gunpowder, though 
 the reputation arising from the discovery has been given 
 to Swartz, who lived many years after that monk of West- 
 minster. Whether the philosopher's stone, otherwise called 
 the Gift Azoth, the fifth Essence, or the Alkahest ; which 
 last Van Helmont pilfered from the tenth book of the 
 Archidoxa, that treasure so long deposited in the occiput of
 
 328 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 the renowned Aureolus, Philippus, Paracelsus, Theophrastus, 
 Bombast, De Hohenheim ; was ever really attained by 
 human adept I am not at liberty to disclose ; but certain it 
 is, the philosophers and alchemists of Japan, employed by 
 orator Taycho to transmute baser metals into gold, mh- 
 carried in all their experiments. The whole evaporated in 
 smoke, without leaving so much as the scrapings of a crucible 
 for a specific against the itch. Tickets made of a kind of 
 bamboo had been long used to reinforce the circulation of 
 Japan ; but these were of no use in Tartary ; the mercenaries 
 and allies of that country would receive nothing but gold 
 and silver, which, indeed, one would imagine they had a 
 particular method of decomposing or annihilating ; for, of 
 all the millions transported thither, not one copan was ever 
 known to revisit Japan. " It was a country (as Hamlet 
 says), from whose bourne no travelling copan e'er returned." 
 As the war of Yesso, therefore, engrossed all the specie of 
 Niphon, and some currency was absolutely necessary to the 
 subsistence of the Japanese, the orator contrived a method 
 to save the expense of solid food. He composed a mess that 
 should fill their bellies, and, at the same time, protract the 
 intoxication of their brains, which it was so much their 
 interest to maintain. He put them upon a diet of yeast ; 
 where this did not agree with the stomach, he employed 
 his emissaries to blow up the patients a posteriori, as the dog 
 was blown up by the madman of Seville, recorded by Cer- 
 vantes. The individuals thus inflated were seen swaggering 
 about the streets, smooth and round, sleek and jolly, with 
 leering eyes and florid complexion. Every one seemed to 
 have the os magna sonaturum. He strutted with an air of 
 importance. He broke wind, and broached new systems. 
 He declared as if by revelation, that the more debt the public 
 owed, the richer it became ; that food was not necessary to 
 the support of life ; nor an intercourse of the sexes required 
 for the propagation of the species. He expatiated on yeast, 
 as the nectar of the gods, that would sustain the animal 
 machine, fill the human mind with divine inspiration, and 
 confer immortality. From the efficacy of this specific, he
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 329 
 
 began to prophesy concerning the White Horse, and declared 
 himself an apostle of Bupo. Thus they strolled through the 
 island of Niphon, barking and preaching the gospel of 
 Fakku-basi, and presenting their barm goblets to all who were 
 in quest of political salvation. The people had been so 
 well prepared for infatuation by the speeches of Taycho, 
 and the tidings of success from Tartary, that every passenger 
 greedily swallowed the drench, and in a little time the whole 
 nation was converted ; that is, they were totally freed from 
 those troublesome and impertinent faculties of reason and 
 reflection, which could have served no other purpose but to 
 make them miserable under the burthens to which their 
 backs were now subjected. They offered up all their gold 
 and silver, their jewels, their furnitare and apparel, at the 
 shrine of Fakku-basi, singing psalms and hymns in praise 
 of the White Horse. They put arms into the hands of 
 their children, and drove them into Tartary, in order to 
 fatten the land of Yesso with their blood. They grew 
 fanatics in that cause, and worshipped Brut-an-tiffi, as 
 the favourite prophet of the beautified Bupo. All was 
 staggering, staring, incoherence, and contortion, exclamation 
 and eructation. 
 
 Still, this was no more than a temporary delirium which 
 might vanish as the intoxicating effects of the yeast subsided. 
 Taycho, therefore, called i . two reinforcements to the 
 drench. He resolved to satiate their appetite for blood, 
 and to amuse their infantine vanity with the gew-gaws of 
 triumph. He equipped out one armament at a considerable 
 expense to make a descent on the coast of China, and sent 
 another at a much greater, to fight the enemy in Fatsissio. 
 The commander of the first disembarked upon a desolate 
 island, demolished an unfinished cottage, and brought away 
 a few bunches of wild grapes. He afterwards hovered on 
 the Chinese coast ; but was deterred from landing by a very 
 singular phenomenon. In surveying the shore, through 
 spying-glasses, he perceived the whole beach instantaneously 
 fortified, as it were, with parapets of sand, which had escaped 
 the naked eye ; and at one particular part, there appeared
 
 33o ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 a body of giants with very hideous features, peeping, as it 
 were, from behind those parapets : from which circum- 
 stances the Japanese general concluded there was a very 
 formidable ambuscade, which he thought it would be 
 madness to encounter, and even folly to ascertain. One 
 would imagine he had seen Homer's account of the Cyclops, 
 and did not think himself safe, even at the distance of some 
 miles from the shore ; for he pressed the commander of the 
 Fune to weigh anchor immediately, and retire to a place of 
 more safety. I shall now, Peacock, let you into the whole 
 secret. This great officer was deceived by the carelessness 
 of the commissary, who, instead of perspectives, had fur- 
 nished him with glasses peculiar to Japan, that magnified 
 and multiplied objects at the same time. They are called 
 Pho-beron-tia. The large parapets of sand were a couple 
 of mole-hills ; and the gigantic faces of grim aspect were 
 the posteriors of an old woman sacrificing sub dio, to the 
 powers of digestion. 
 
 There was another circumstance which tended to the 
 miscarriage of this favourite expedition. The principal 
 design was against a trading town, situated on a navigable 
 river ; and at the place where this river disembogued 
 itself into the sea, there was a Chinese fort called Sarouf. 
 The admiral of the Fune sent the second in command, 
 whose name was Sel-uon, to lay this fort in ashes, that 
 the embarkation might pass without let or molestation. A 
 Chinese pilot offered to bring his junk within a cable-length 
 of the walls ; but he trusted to the light of his own penetra- 
 tion. He ran his junk aground, and solemnly declared there 
 was not water sufficient to float any vessel of force, within 
 three miles of Sarouf. This discovery he had made by 
 sounding, and it proved two very surprising paradoxes : first, 
 that the Chinese junks drew little or no water, otherwise they 
 could not have arrived at the town where they were laid up ; 
 secondly, that the fort Sarouf was raised in a spot whc.e it 
 neither could offend, nor be offended. But the Sey-seo-gun, 
 Sel-uon, was a mighty man for paradoxes. His superior 
 ni command was a plain man, who did not understand these
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 331 
 
 niceties : he therefore grumbled, and began to be trouble- 
 some ; upon which, a council of war was held, and he being 
 over-ruled by a majority of voices, the whole embarkation 
 returned to Niphon re infecta. You have been told how 
 the beast called Legion brayed, and bellowed, and kicked, 
 when the fate of Bihn-goh's expedition was known ; it was 
 disposed to be very unruly at the return of this armament : 
 but Taycho lulled it with a double dose of his mandragora. 
 It growled at the giants, the sand-hills, and the paradoxes 
 of Sel-uon : then brayed aloud Taycho for ever ! rolled itself 
 up like a lubberly hydra, yawned, and fell fast asleep. The 
 other armament equipped for the operations in Fatsissio did 
 not arrive at the place of destination till the opportunity for 
 action was lost. 
 
 The object was the reduction of a town and island be- 
 longing to the Chinese ; but before the Fane with the 
 troops arrived from Niphon, the enemy having received 
 intimation of their design, had reinforced the garrison and 
 harbour with a greater number of forces and Fune than the 
 Japanese commander could bring against them. He there- 
 fore wisely declined an enterprise which must have ended in 
 his own disgrace and destruction. The Chinese were 
 successful in other parts of Fatsissio. They demolished 
 some forts, they defeated some parties, and massacred some 
 people belonging to the colonies of Japan. Perhaps the 
 tidings of these disasters would have roused the people of 
 Niphon from the lethargy of intoxication in which they were 
 overwhelmed, had not their delirium been kept up by some 
 fascinating amulets from Tartary : these were no other 
 than the bubbles which Brut-an-tiffi swelled into mighty 
 victories over the Chinese and Ostrog ; though, in fact, he 
 had been severely cudgelled, and more than once in very 
 great danger of crucifixion. Taycho presented the monster 
 with a bowl of blood, which he told it this invincible 
 ally had drawn from its enemies the Chinese, and, at the 
 same time, blowed the gay bubbles athwart its numerous 
 eyes. The hydra lapped the gore with signs of infinite 
 relish ; groaned and grunted to see the bubbles dance ;
 
 332 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 exclaimed, " O rare Taycho ! " and relapsed into the arms 
 of slumber. Thus passed the first campaign of Taycho's 
 administration. 
 
 By this time Fika-kaka was fully convinced that the orator 
 actually dealt with the devil, and had even sold him his soul 
 for this power of working miracles on the understanding 
 of the populace. He began to be invaded with fears that 
 the same consideration would be demanded of him for the 
 ease and pleasure he now enjoyed in partnership with that 
 magician. He no longer heard himself scoffed, ridiculed, 
 and reviled in the assemblies of the people. He no longer 
 saw his measures thwarted, nor his person treated with 
 disdain. He no longer racked his brains for pretences to 
 extort money, nor trembled with terror when he used these 
 pretences to the public. The mouth of the opposition 
 was now glued to his own posteriors. Many a time and 
 often, when he heard orator Taycho declaiming against him 
 from his rostrum, he cursed him in his heart, and was known 
 to ejaculate " Kiss my a — se, Taycho," but little did he 
 think that the orator would one day stoop to his compliance. 
 He now saw that insolent, foul-mouthed demagogue minis- 
 tering with the utmost servility to his pleasure and ambition. 
 He filled his bags with the treasures of Japan, as if by enchant- 
 ment ; so that he could now gratify his own profuse temper 
 without stint or control. He took upon himself the whole 
 charge of the administration ; and left Fika-kaka to the full 
 enjoyment of his own sensuality thus divested of all its 
 thorns. 
 
 It was the contemplation of these circumstances which 
 inspired the Cuboy with a belief that the devil was con- 
 cerned in producing this astonishing calm of felicity ; 
 and that his infernal highness would require of him some 
 extraordinary sacrifice for the extraordinary favours he 
 bestowed. He could not help suspecting the sincerity of 
 Taycho's attachment, because it seemed altogether unnatural; 
 and if his soul was to be the sacrifice, he wished to treat with 
 Satan as a principal. Full of this idea he had recourse to his 
 Bonzes as the most likely persons to procure him such an
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 333 
 
 Interview with the prince of darkness, as should not be 
 attended with immediate danger to his corporal parts : 
 but, upon inquiry, he found there was not one conjurer 
 among them all. Some of them made a merit of their 
 ignorance ; pretending they could not in conscience give 
 application to an art which must have led them into com- 
 munication with demons : others insisted that there was 
 no such a thing as the devil ; and this opinion seemed to be 
 much relished by the Cuboy : the rest frankly owned they 
 knew nothing at all of the matter. For my part, Peacock, 
 I not only know there is a devil, but I likewise know that he 
 has marked out nineteen-twentieths of the people of this 
 metropolis for his prey. How now ! You shake, sirrah ! 
 You have some reason, considering the experiments you have 
 been trying in the way of sorcery ; turning the sieve and 
 shears ; mumbling gibberish over a goose's liver stuck with 
 pins ; pricking your thumbs, and writing mystical characters 
 with your blood ; forming spells with sticks laid across ; 
 reading prayers backwards ; and invoking the devil by the 
 name, style, and title of Sathan, Abrasaoe, Adonai. I know 
 what communication you had with goody Thrusk at Camber- 
 well, who undertook for three shillings and fourpence to 
 convey you on a broomstick to Norway, where the devil 
 was to hold a conventicle ; but you boggled at crossing the 
 sea, without such security for your person as the beldame 
 could not give. I remember your poring over the treatise 
 De volucri arborea> until you had well-nigh lost your wits ; 
 and your intention to enrol yourself in the Rosicrusian 
 Society, until your intrigue with the tripe-woman in Thieving 
 Lane destroyed your pretensions to chastity. Then you 
 cloaked your own wickedness with an affectation of scepticism, 
 and declared there never was any such existence as devil, 
 demon, spirit, or goblin ; nor any such art as magic, necro- 
 mancy, sorcery, or witchcraft. O infidel ! hast thou never 
 heard of the three divisions of magic into natural, artificial, 
 and diabolical ? The first of these is no more than medicine, 
 hence the same word Pharmacopola signified both a wiseacre 
 and apothecary. To the second belong the glass sphere
 
 334 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 of Archimedes, the flying wooden pigeon of Archytus, the 
 emperor Leo's singing birds of gold, Boetius the Consolator's 
 flying birds of brass, hissing serpents of the same metal, and 
 the famous speaking head of Albertus Magnus. The last, 
 which we call diabolical, depends upon the evocation of 
 spirits : such was the heart exercised by the magicians of 
 Pharaoh, as well as by that conjurer recorded by Gasper 
 Puecerus, who animated the dead carcase of a famous female 
 harper in Bologna, in such a manner, that she played upon 
 her instrument as well as ever she had done in her life, 
 until another magician removing the charm, which had been 
 placed in her armpits, the body fell down deprived of all 
 motion. 
 
 It is by such means that conjurers cure distempers with 
 charms and amulets ; that, according to St. Isidore, they 
 confound the elements, disturb the understanding, slay 
 without poison or any perceptible wound, call up devils, 
 and learn from them how to torment their enemies. Magic 
 was known even to the ancient Romans. Cato teaches us 
 how to charm a dislocated bone, by repeating these mystical 
 words, Incipe, cantare in alto, S. F. motas danata dardaries y 
 Astotaries, die una -parite dum coeunt, etc. Besides, the virtues 
 of Abracadabra are well known ; though the meaning of the 
 word has puzzled some of the best critics of the last age : 
 such as Wendelinus, Scaliger, Saumaise, and Father Kircher, 
 not to mention the ancient physician Serenus Sammoniaus, 
 who describes the disposition of these characters in hexameter 
 verse. I might here launch out into a very learned dis- 
 sertation to prove that this very Serenus formed the word 
 Abracadabra from the Chinese word 'Af3pacra±, a name by 
 which Basilides, the Egyptian heretic, defined the Deity, 
 as the letters of it imply 365, the number of days in the 
 year. This is the word still fair and legible in one of the 
 two talismans found in the seventeenth century, of which 
 Baronius gives us the figure in the second volume of his 
 Annals. 
 
 By-the-bye, Peacock, you must take notice, that the figure 
 of St. George encountering the dragon, which is the symbol
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 335 
 
 of the order of the Garter, and at this day distinguishes so 
 many inns, taverns, and ale-houses in this kingdom, was no 
 other originally than the device of an abraxas or amulet 
 worn by the Basilidians, as a charm against infection : for, 
 by the man on horseback killing the dragon, was typified 
 the sun purifying the air, and dispersing the noxious vapours 
 from the earth. An abraxas marked with this device, is 
 exhibited by Montfaucon out of the collection of Sig. 
 Capello. This symbol, improved by the cross on the top 
 of the spear, was afterwards adopted by the Christian 
 crusards, as a badge of their religious warfare, as well as an 
 amulet to ensure victory ; the cross alluding to Constantine's 
 labarum, with the motto Iv tovtu vino., " In this you shall 
 conquer." The figure on horseback they metamorphosed 
 ' vo St. George, the same with George the Arian, who at 
 one time was reckoned a martyr, and maintained a place in 
 the Roman Martyrology, from which he and others were 
 erased by Pope Gelasius in the fifth century, because the 
 accounts of their martyrdom were written by heretics. 
 This very George, while he officiated as Bishop of Alexandria, 
 having ordered a temple of the god Mythras to be purified, 
 and converted into a Christian church, found in the said 
 temple this emblem of the sun, which the Persians adored 
 under the name of Mythras ; and with the addition of the 
 cross, metamorphosed it into a symbol of Christian warfare 
 against idolatry. It was on this occasion that the Pagans 
 rose against George, and murdered him with the utmost 
 barbarity ; and from this circumstance he became a saint 
 and martyr, and the amulet or abraxas became his badge 
 of distinction. The cross was considered a sure protection 
 in battle, that every sword-hilt was made in this form, and 
 every warrior, before lie engaged, kissed it in token of devo- 
 tion : hence the phrase, " I kiss your hilt," which is sometimes 
 1 even at this day. With respect to the mystical words, 
 ABRACAE, lAfl, AOYNAI, which arc found upon those 
 amulets, and supposed to be of Hebrew extract, though of 
 Greek character in termination ; if thou wouldst know 
 their real signification, thou mayest consult the learned
 
 336 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 De Croy, in his treatise concerning the genealogies of the 
 Gnostics. Thou wilt find it at the end of St. Irenaeus's 
 works, published by Grabius at Oxford. 
 
 But, to return to magic, thou must have heard of the 
 famous Albertus Magnus de Bolstadt, who indifferently 
 exercised the professions of conjurer, bawd, and man-mid- 
 wife ; who forged the celebrated Android.es, or brazen-head, 
 which pronounced oracles, and solved questions of the utmost 
 difficulty ; nor can the fame of Henry Cornelius Agrippa 
 have escaped thee : he who wrote the treatises De occulta 
 Philosophia ; and De ccecis Ceremoniis ; who kept his demon 
 secured with an enchanted iron collar, in the shape of a 
 black dog ; which black dog being dismissed in his last 
 moments with these words, Abi ferdita bestia quee me totum 
 perdidisti, plunged itself in the river Soame, and immedi- 
 ately disappeared. But what need of those profane instances 
 to prove the existence of magicians who held communication 
 with the devil ? Don't we read in the Scripture of the 
 magicians of Pharaoh and Manasses ; of the witch of Endor ; 
 of Simon and Barjesus, magicians ; and of that sorceress 
 of whose body the apostle Paul dispossessed the devil ? 
 Have not the fathers mentioned magicians and sorcerers ? 
 Have not different councils denounced anathemas against 
 them ? Hath not the civil law decreed punishments to be 
 inflicted upon those convicted of the black art ? Have not 
 all the tribunals in France, England, and particularly in 
 Scotland, condemned many persons to the stake for sor- 
 ceries, on the fullest evidence, nay, even on their own 
 confession ? 
 
 Thou thyself mayest almost remember the havoc that was 
 made among the sorcerers in one of the English colonies 
 in North America, by Dr. Encrease Mather and Dr. Cotton 
 Mather, those luminaries of the New England Church, 
 under the authority and auspices of Sir William Phipps, 
 that flower of knighthood and mirror of governors, who, 
 not contented with living witnesses, called in the assistance 
 of spectral evidence, to the conviction of those diabolical 
 delinquents. This was a hint, indeed, which he borrowed
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 337 
 
 from the famous trial of Urban Grandier, canon of Loudun 
 in France, who was duly convicted of magic, upon the 
 depositions of the devils Astaroth, Eusas, Celsus, Acaos, 
 Cedon, Asmodeus, Alix, Zabulon, Nefhthalim, Cham, Uriel, and 
 Acbas. I might likewise refer thee to King James's History 
 of Witchcraft, wherein it appears, upon incontrovertible 
 evidence, that the devil not only presided in person at the 
 assemblies of those wise women, but even condescended 
 to be facetious ; and often diverted them by dancing and 
 playing gambols with a lighted candle in his breech. I 
 might bid thee recollect the authenticated account of the 
 Earl of Gowry's conspiracy against the said king, in which 
 appears the deposition of a certain person, certifying that 
 the Earl of Gowry had studied the black art : that he wore 
 an amulet about his person, of such efficacy, that although 
 he was run several times through the body, not one drop of 
 blood flowed from the wounds until those mystical characters 
 were removed. Finally, I could fill whole volumes with 
 undeniable facts to prove the existence of magic : but what 
 I have said shall suffice. I must only repeat it again, that 
 there was not one magician, conjurer, wizard, or witch, 
 among all the Bonzes of Japan, whom the Cuboy consulted : 
 a circumstance that astonished him the more, as divers of 
 them, nowithstanding their beards, were shrewdly sus- 
 pected to be old women ; and till that time, an old woman 
 with a beard upon her chin had been always considered 
 as an agent of the devil. 
 
 It was the nature of Fika-kaka to be impatient and 
 impetuous. Perceiving that none of his Bonzes had any 
 communication with the devil, and that many of them 
 doubted whether there was any such personage as the 
 devil, he began to have some doubts about his own soul : 
 " For if there is no devil," says he, " there is no soul to 
 be damned ; and it would be a reproach to the justice of 
 Heaven to suppose that all souls are to be saved, considering 
 what rascally stuff mankind are made of." This was an 
 inference which gave him great disturbance ; for he was one 
 of those who would rather encounter eternal damnation, 
 
 22
 
 338 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 than run any risk of being annihilated. He therefore 
 assembled all those among the Bonzes who had the reputation 
 of being great philosophers and metaphysicians, in order to 
 hear their opinions concerning the nature of the soul. The 
 first reverend sage who delivered himself on this mysterious 
 subject, having stroked his grey beard, and hemmed thrice 
 with great solemnity, declared that the soul was an animal ; 
 a second pronounced it to be the number three, or proportion; 
 a third contended for trie number seven, or harmony ; a 
 fourth defined the soul the universe ; a fifth affirmed it was a 
 mixture of elements ; a sixth asserted it was composed of 
 fire ; a seventh opined it was formed of water ; an eighth 
 called it an essence ; a ninth an idea ; a tenth stickled for 
 substance without extension ; an eleventh for extension without 
 substance ; a twelfth cried it was an accident ; a thirteenth 
 called it a reflecting mirror ; a fourteenth the image reflected ; 
 a fifteenth insisted upon' its being a tune ; a sixteenth believed 
 it was the instrument that played the tune ; a seventeenth 
 undertook to prove it was material ; an eighteenth exclaimed 
 it was immaterial ; a nineteenth allowed it was something ; 
 and a twentieth swore it was nothing. By this time all the 
 individuals that composed this learned assembly spoke 
 together, with equal eagerness and vociferation. The 
 volubility with which a great number of abstruse and 
 unintelligible terms and definitions were pronounced and 
 repeated, not only resembled the confusion of Babel, but 
 they had just the same effect upon the brain of Fika-kaka, 
 as is generally produced in weak heads by looking steadfastly 
 at a mill-wheel or vortex, or any other object in continual 
 rotation. He grew giddy, ran three times round, and 
 dropped down in the midst of the Bonzes, deprived of sense 
 and motion. 
 
 When he recovered so far as to be able to reflect upon 
 what had happened, he was greatly disturbed with the 
 terror of annihilation, as he had heard nothing said 
 in the consultation which could give him any reason to 
 believe that there was such a thing as an immortal soul. 
 In this emergency he sent for his counsellor Muraclami,
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 339 
 
 and when that lawyer entered his chamber, exclaimed, 
 " My dear Mura, as I have a soul to be saved ! — a soul to 
 be saved ! Ay, there's the rub ! — the devil a soul have I ! 
 Those Bonzes are good for nothing but to kiss my a — se ; 
 a parcel of ignorant asses ! Pox on their philosophy ! 
 Instead of demonstrating the immortality of the soul, they 
 have plainly proved the soul is a chimera, a Will-o'-the-wisp, 
 a bubble, a term, a word, a nothing ! My dear Mura ! 
 prove but that I have a soul, and I shall be contented to be 
 damned to all eternity ! " — " If that be the case," said the 
 other, " your Quambukuship may set your heart at rest : 
 for, if you proceed to govern this empire, in conjunction 
 with Taycho, as you have begun, it will become a point of 
 eternal justice to give you an immortal soul (if you have not 
 one already), that you may undergo eternal punishment, 
 according to your demerits." The Cuboy was much 
 comforted by this assurance, and returned to his former 
 occupations v/ith redoubled ardour. He continued to 
 confer benefices on his back friends the Bonzes ; to regulate 
 the whole army of tax-gatherers ; to bribe the tribunes, 
 the centurions, the decuriones, and all the inferior mob- 
 drivers of the empire ; to hire those pipers who were 
 best skilled in making the multitude dance, and find out 
 the ablest artists to scratch their long ears, and tickle their 
 noses. 
 
 These toils were sweetened by a variety of enjoyments. 
 He possessed all the pomp of ostentation, the vanity of levees, 
 the pride of power, the pleasure of adulation, the happiness 
 of being kicked by his sovereign and kissed by his Bonzes, 
 and, above all, the delights of the stomach and the close- 
 stool, which recurred in perpetual succession, and which 
 he seemed to enjoy with particular relish ; for, it must be 
 observed, to the honour of Fika-kaka, that what he eagerly 
 received at one end, he as liberally refunded at the other. 
 But as the faculties of his mind were insufficient to digest 
 the greatness of power which had fallen to his share, so were 
 the organs of his body unable to concoct the enormous 
 mass of aliments which he so greedily swallowed. He
 
 340 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 laboured under an indigestion of both ; and the vague 
 promises which went upwards, as well as the murmurs which 
 passed the other way, were no other than eruptive crudities 
 arising from the defects of his soul and body. 
 
 As for Taycho, he confined himself to the management 
 of the war. He recalled the general-in-chief from Fatsissio, 
 because he had not done that which he could not possibly 
 dc : but, instead of sending another on whose abilities he 
 could depend, he allowed the direction of the armament 
 to devolve upon the second in command, whose character 
 he could not possibly know ; because, indeed, he was too 
 obscure to have any character at all. The fruits of his 
 sagacity soon appeared. The new general, Abra-moria, 
 having reconnoitred a post of the enemy, which was found 
 too strong to be forced, attacked it without hesitation, 
 and his troops were repulsed and routed with considerable 
 slaughter. It was lucky for Taycho that the tidings of this 
 disaster were qualified by the news of two other advantages 
 which the arms of Japan had gained. A separate corps 
 of troops, under Yaf-frai and Ya-loff, reduced a strong 
 Chinese fortress in the neighbourhood of Fatsissio ; and a 
 body of Japanese, headed by a factor called Ka-liff, obtained 
 a considerable victory at Fla-soa, in the farther extremity 
 of Tartary, where a trading company of Meaco possessed 
 a commercial settlement. The hydra of Meaco began to 
 shake its numerous heads and growl, when it heard of 
 Abra-moria's defeat. At that instant, one of its leaders 
 exclaimed, " Bless thy long ears ! It was not Taycho that 
 recommended Abra-moria to this command. He was 
 appointed by the Fatzman." This was true. It was 
 likewise true, that Taycho had allowed him quietly to 
 succeed to the command, without knowing anything of his 
 abilities ; it was equally true that Taycho was an utter 
 stranger to Yaf-frai and Ya-loff, who took the fortress, 
 as well as to the factor Ka-liff, who obtained the victory 
 at the farther end of Tartary. Nevertheless, the beast 
 cried aloud, " Hang Abra-moria ! and a fig for the Fatzman. 
 But let the praise of Taycho be magnified ! " It was Taycho
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 341 
 
 that subdued the fortress in the isle Ka-frit-o. It was 
 Taycho that defeated the enemy at Fla-sao. Yaf-frai has 
 slain his thousands ; Ya-loff has slain his five thousands ; but 
 Taycho had slain his ten thousands. 
 
 Taycho had credit not only for the success of the Japanese 
 arms, but likewise for the victories of Brut-an-tiffi, who had 
 lately been much beholden to fortune. I have already 
 observed what a noise that Tartar made when the Fatzman 
 of Japan found himself obliged to capitulate with the Chinese 
 general. In consequence of that event, the war was already 
 at an end with respect to the Japanese, on the continent of 
 Tartary. The Emperor of China took possession of the farm 
 of Yesso ; the peasants quietly submitted to their new 
 masters ; and those very freebooting Tartar chiefs, who 
 had sold their subjects as soldiers to serve under the Fatzman, 
 had already agreed to send the very same mercenaries into 
 the army of China. It was at this juncture that Brut-an-tiffi 
 exalted his tnroat. In the preceding campaign he had 
 fought with various success. One of his generals had given 
 battle to the Mantchoux Tartars, and each side claimed 
 the victory. Another of his leaders had been defeated 
 and taken by the Ostrog. The Chinese had already advanced 
 to the frontiers of Brut-an-tiffi's dominions. In this dilemma 
 he exerted himself with equal activity and address : he 
 repulsed the Chinese army with considerable loss ; and in 
 the space of one month after this action, gained a victory 
 over the general of the Ostrog. These advantages ren- 
 dered him insufferably arrogant. He exclaimed against 
 the Fatzman, he threatened the Dairo, and, as I have 
 taken notice above, a new army was raised at the expense 
 of Japan, to defend him from all future invasions of the 
 Chinese. 
 
 Already the Tartar general, Bron-xi-tic, who was vested, 
 at his desire, with the command of the mercenary army of 
 Japan, had given a severe check to a strong body of the 
 Chinese, and even threatened to carry the war into the 
 empire of China ; and he was forced to retreat in his turn 
 towards the farm of Yesso. But from nothing did orator
 
 342 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 Taycho reap a fuller harvest of praise, than from the conquest 
 of Tzin-khall, a settlement of the Chinese on the coast of 
 Terra Australis ; which conquest was planned by a Banyan 
 merchant of Meaco, who had traded on that coast and was 
 particularly known to the king of the country. This royal 
 savage was uneasy at the neighbourhood of the Chinese, 
 and conjured the merchant, whose name was Thum-Khumm- 
 qua, to use his influence at the court of Meaco, that an 
 armament should be equipped against the settlement of 
 Tzin-khall, he himself solemnly promising to co-operate 
 in the reduction of it with all his forces. Thum-Khumm- 
 qua, whose zeal for the good of his country got the better of 
 all his prudential maxims, did not fail to present this object 
 in the most interesting points of view. He demonstrated 
 to Taycho the importance of the settlement ; that it 
 abounded with slaves, ivory, gold, and a precious gum which 
 was not to be found in any other part of the world : a gum 
 in great request all over Asia, and particularly among the 
 Japanese, who were obliged to purchase it in time of war 
 at second-hand from their enemies the Chinese, at an 
 exorbitant price. He demonstrated that the loss of this 
 settlement would be a terrible wound to the Emperor of 
 China, and proved that the conquest of it could be achieved 
 at a very trifling expense. He did more. Though by the 
 maxims of his sect he was restrained from engaging in any 
 military enterprise, he offered to conduct the armament 
 in person, in order the more effectually to keep the king 
 of the country steady to his engagements. Though the 
 scheme was in itself plausible and practicable, Mr. Orator 
 Taycho shuffled and equivocated until the season for action 
 was past. But Thum-Khumm-qua was indefatigable. He 
 exhorted, he pressed, he remonstrated, he complained ; 
 and besieged the orator's house in such a manner, that Taycho 
 at length, in order to be rid of his importunity, granted his 
 request. A small armament was fitted out ; the Banyan 
 embarked in it, leaving his own private affairs in con- 
 fusion ; and the settlement was reduced according to his 
 prediction.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 343 
 
 When the news of this conquest arrived at Meaco, the 
 multifarious beast brayed hoarse applause, and the minister 
 Taycho was magnified exceedingly. As for Thum-Khumm- 
 qua, whose private fortune was consumed in the expedition, 
 all the recompense he received was the consciousness of 
 having served his country. In vain he reminded Taycho 
 of his promises : in vain he recited the minister's own letters, 
 in which he had given his word that the Banyan should be 
 liberally rewarded, according to the importance of his services : 
 Taycho was both deaf and blind to all his remonstrances 
 and representations ; and, at last, fairly flung the door in 
 his face. 
 
 Such was the candour and gratitude of the incomparable 
 Taycho. The poor projector, Thum-Khumm-qua, found 
 himself in a piteous case, while the whole nation resounded 
 with joy for the conquest which his sagacity had planned, 
 and his zeal carried into execution. He was not only 
 abandoned by the minister Taycho, but also renounced 
 by the whole sect of the Banyans, who looked upon him as a 
 wicked apostate, because he had been concerned with those 
 who fought with the arm of the flesh. It was lucky for 
 him that he afterwards found favour with a subsequent 
 minister, who had not adopted all the maxims of his pre- 
 decessor, Taycho. The only measures which this egregious 
 demagogue could hitherto properly call his own were these : 
 his subsidiary treaty with Brut-an-tiffi ; his raising an im- 
 mense army of mercenaries to act in Tartary for the benefit 
 of that prince ; his exacting an incredible sum of money from 
 the people of Japan ; and finally, two successive armaments 
 which he had sent to annoy the sea-coast of China. I have 
 already given an account of the first, the intent of which 
 was frustrated by a mistake in the perspectives. The other 
 was more fortunate in the beginning. Taycho had, by the 
 force of his genius, discovered that nothing so effectually 
 destroyed the oiled paper which the Chinese use in their 
 windows, instead of glass, as the gold coin called oban, when 
 discharged from a military engine at a proper distance. 
 He found that the gold was more compact, more heavy,
 
 344 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 more malleable, more manageable than any other metal 
 or substance that he knew : he therefore provided a great 
 quantity of obans, and a good body of slingers ; and these 
 being conveyed to the coast of China, in a squadron of 
 Fune, as none of the Chinese appeared to oppose these 
 hostilities, a select number of troops were employed to make 
 ducks and drakes with the obans, on the supposition that 
 this diversion would allure the enemy to the sea-side, where 
 they may be knocked on the head without further trouble : 
 but the care of their own safety got the better of their 
 curiosity on this occasion : and fifty thousand obans were 
 expended in this manner, without bringing one Chinese 
 from his lurking hole. Considerable damage was done to 
 the windows of the enemy. Then the forces were landed in 
 a village which they found deserted. Here they burned 
 some fishing boats, and from hence they carried off 
 some military machines, which were brought to Meaco, 
 and conveyed through the streets in procession, amidst 
 the acclamations of the hydra, who sang the praise of 
 Taycho. 
 
 Elevated by this triumph, the minister sent forth the same 
 armament a second time under a new general of his own 
 choosing, whose name was Hylib-bib, who had long enter- 
 tained an opinion, that the inhabitants of China were not 
 beings of flesh and blood, but mere fantastic shadows, who 
 could neither offend nor be offended. Full of this opinion he 
 made a descent on the coast of that empire ; and to convince 
 his followers that his notion was right, he advanced some 
 leagues into the country, without having taken any pre- 
 cautions to secure a retreat, leaving the Fune at anchor 
 upon an open beach. Some people alleged that he de- 
 pended upon the sagacity of an engineer recommended 
 to him by Taycho ; which engineer had such an excel- 
 lent nose that he could smell a Chinese at the distance 
 of ten leagues : but it seems the scent failed him at this 
 juncture. 
 
 Perhaps the Chinese general had trailed rusty bacon and 
 other odoriferous substances to confound his sense of smelling.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 345 
 
 Perhaps no dew had fallen over-night, and a strong breeze 
 blew towards the enemy. Certain it is, Hylib-bib, in the 
 evening, received repeated intelligence that he was within 
 half a league of a Chinese general, at the head of a body of 
 troops greatly superior in number to the Japanese forces 
 which he himself commanded. He still believed it was fall 
 illusion ; and when he heard the drums beat, declared it 
 was no more than a ridiculous enchantment. He thought 
 proper, however, to retreat towards the sea-side ; but this 
 he did with great deliberation, after having given the enemy 
 fair notice by beat of drum. His motions were so slow, 
 that he took seven hours to march three miles. When he 
 reached the shore where the Fune were at anchor, he saw 
 the whole body of the Chinese drawn up on a rising ground 
 ready to begin the attack. He ordered his rear guard to 
 face about, on the supposition that the phantoms would 
 disappear as soon as they showed their faces ; but finding 
 himself mistaken, and perceiving some of his own people 
 to drop, in consequence of missiles that came from the 
 enemy, he very calmly embarked with his van, leaving his 
 rear to amuse the Chinese, by whom they were, in less than 
 five minutes, either massacred or taken. From this small 
 disgrace the general deduced two important corollaries : 
 first, that the Chinese were actually material beings capable 
 of impulsion ; and secondly, that his engineer's nose was 
 not altogether infallible. The people of Meaco did not 
 seem to relish the experiments by which these ideas were 
 ascertained. The monster was heard to grunt in different 
 streets of the metropolis ; and these notes of discontent 
 produced the usual effect in the bowels of Fika-kaka : but 
 orator Taycho had his flowers of rhetoric and his bowl 
 of mandragora in readiness. He assured them that Hylib- 
 bib should be employed for the future in keeping sheep on 
 the island of Xicoco, and the engineer be sent to hunt 
 truffles on the mountains of Ximo. Then he tendered his 
 dose, which the hydra swallowed with signs of pleasure ; 
 and lastly, he mounted upon its back, and rode in triumph 
 under the windows of the astonished Cuboy, who, while
 
 346 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 he shifted his trousers, exclaimed in a rapture of joy, " All 
 hail, Taycho, thou prince of monster-taming men ! The 
 Dairo shall kick thy posteriors, and I will kiss them in token 
 of approbation and applause." 
 
 The time was now come when Fortune, which had hitherto 
 smiled upon the Chinese arms, resolved to turn tail to that 
 vainglorious nation ; and precisely at the same instant, 
 Taycho undertook to display his whole capacity in the 
 management of the war. But before he assumed this 
 province, it was necessary that he should establish a despotism 
 in the council of twenty-eight, some members of which had 
 still the presumption to offer their advice towards the 
 administration of affairs. This council being assembled 
 by the Dairo's order, to deliberate upon the objects of the 
 next campaign, the president began by asking the opinion of 
 Taycho, who was the youngest member ; upon which the 
 orator made no articulate reply, but cried " Ba-ba-ba-ba ! ' : 
 The Dairo exclaimed " Boh ! " The Fatzman ejaculated 
 the interjection " Pish ! " The Cuboy sat in silent astonish- 
 ment. Gotto-mio swore the man was dumb, and hinted 
 something of lunacy. Foksi-rokhu shook his head ; and 
 Soo-san-sin-o shrugged up his shoulders. At length, Fika- 
 kaka going round and kissing Taycho on the forehead, 
 " My dear boy," cried he, " Gad's curse ! what's the matter ? 
 Do but open the sluices of your eloquence once more, my 
 dear orator ; let us have one simile, one dear simile ; and 
 then I shall die contented. With respect to the operations 
 
 of the campaign, don't you think " Here he was 
 
 interrupted with " Ka-ka-ka-ka ! " — " Heigh-day ! " cried 
 the Cuboy. " Ba-ba-ba, ka-ka-ka ! that's the language of 
 children ! " — " And children you shall be," exclaimed the 
 orator. " Here is a twopenny trumpet for the amusement 
 of the illustrious Got-hama-baba, a sword of gingerbread 
 covered with gold leaf for the Fatzman, and a rattle for my 
 Lord Cuboy. I have likewise, sugar-plums for the rest of 
 the council." 
 
 So saying, he, without ceremony, advanced to the
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 347 
 
 Dairo, and tied a scarf round the eyes of his imperial 
 majesty ; then he produced a number of padlocks, and 
 sealed up the lips of every Quo in council, before they could 
 recollect themselves from their first astonishment. The 
 assembly broke up abruptly ; and the Dairo was conducted 
 to his cabinet by the Fatzman and the Cuboy, which last 
 endeavoured to divert the chagrin of his royal master by 
 blowing the trumpet, and shaking the rattle in his ears ; 
 Lut Got-hama-baba could not be so easily appeased. He 
 growled like an enraged bear at the indignity which had been 
 offered to him, and kicked the Cuboy before, as well as 
 behind. Mr. Orator Taycho was fain to come to an ex- 
 planation. He assured the Dairo it was necessary that his 
 imperial majesty should remain in the dark, and that the 
 whole council should be muzzled for a season, otherwise 
 he should not accomplish the great things he had projected, 
 in favour of the farm of Yesso. He declared that while his 
 majesty remained blindfold, he would enjoy all his other 
 senses in greater perfection ; that his ears would be every 
 day regaled with the shouts of triumph, conveyed in notes 
 of uncommon melody ; and that the less quantity of animal 
 spirits was expended in vision, the greater proportion 
 would flow to his extremities ; consequently, his pleasure 
 would be more acute in his pedestrian exercitations upon 
 the Cuboy, and others whom he delighted to honour. 
 He, therefore, exhorted him to undergo a total privation 
 of eyesight, which at best was a troublesome faculty, 
 that exposed mankind to a great variety of disagreeable 
 spectacles. 
 
 This was a proposal which the Dairo did not relish : on the 
 contrary, he waxed exceedingly wroth, and told the orator, 
 he would rather enjoy one transient glance of the farm of 
 Yesso, than the most exquisite delights that could be procured 
 for all the other senses. " To gratify your majesty with 
 that ineffable pleasure," cried Taycho, " I have devoted 
 myself, soul and body, and even reconciled contradictions. 
 I have renounced all my former principles without forfeiting 
 the influence which, by professing those principles, I had
 
 348 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 gained. I have obtained the most astonishing victories 
 over common sense, and even refuted mathematical demon- 
 stration. The many-headed mob, which no former dema- 
 gogue could ever tame, I have taught to fetch and to carry ; 
 to dance to my pipe, to bray to my tune, to swallow what I 
 present without murmuring, to lick my feet when I am 
 angry, and kiss the rod when I think proper to chastise it. 
 I have done more, my liege. I have prepared a drench for it, 
 which, like Lethe, washes away the remembrance of what 
 is past, and takes away all sense of its own condition. I 
 have swept away all the money of the empire ; and persuaded 
 the people not only to beggar themselves, but likewise to 
 entail indigence upon the latest posterity ; and all for the 
 sake of Yesso. It is by dint of these efforts, I have been able 
 to subsidise Brut-an-tiffi, and raise an army of one hundred 
 thousand men, to defend your imperial majesty's farm, which, 
 were the entire property of it brought to market, would not 
 fetch one third part of the sums which are now yearly 
 expended in its defence. I shall strike but one great stroke 
 in the country of Fatsissio, and then turn the whole stream 
 of the war into the channel of Tartary, until the barren 
 plains of Yesso are fertilised with human blood. In the 
 meantime, I must insist upon your majesty's continuing 
 in the dark, and amusing yourself in your cabinet, with the 
 trumpet and other gewgaws, which I have provided for your 
 diversion, otherwise I quit the reins of administration, and 
 turn the monster out of my trammels ; in which case, like 
 the dog that returns to its vomit, it will not fail to take 
 up its former prejudices against Yesso, which I have with 
 such pains obliged it to resign." — " Oh, my dear Taycho ! " 
 cried the affrighted Dairo, " talk not of leaving me in such 
 a dreadful dilemma. Rather than the dear farm should 
 fall into the hands of the Chinese, I would be contented to 
 be led about blindfold all the days of my life. Proceed in 
 your own way. I invest you with full power and authority, 
 not only to gag my whole council, but even to nail their 
 ears to the pillory, should it be found necessary for the 
 benefit of Yesso. In token of which delegation, present
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 349 
 
 your posteriors, and I will bestow upon you a double portion 
 of my favour." Taycho humbly thanked his imperial 
 majesty for the great honour he intended him, but begged 
 leave to decline the ceremony, on account of the hemorrhoids 
 which at that time gave him great disturbance. 
 
 The orator, having thus annihilated all opposition in the 
 council of twenty-eight, repaired to his own house, in order 
 to plan the operations of the next campaign. Though he 
 had reinforced the army in Tartary with the flower of the 
 Japanese soldiery, and destined a strong squadron of Fune, 
 as usual, to parade on the coast of China ; he foresaw it 
 would be necessary to amuse the people, with some new 
 stroke on the side of Fatsissio, which indeed, was the original 
 and the most natural scene of the war. He locked himself 
 up in his closet : and consulting the map of Fatsissio, he 
 found that the principal Chinese settlement of that island, 
 was a fortified town called Quib-quab, to which there was 
 access by two different avenues : one by a broad, rapid, 
 navigable river, on the banks of which the town was situated : 
 and the other by an inland route, over mountains, lakes, and 
 dangerous torrents. He measured the map with his compass, 
 and perceived that both routes were nearly of the same 
 length : and therefore he resolved, that the forces in Fatsissio, 
 being divided into two equal bodies, should approach the 
 place, by the two different avenues, on the supposition 
 that they would both arrive before the wall of Quib-quab, 
 at the same instant of time. The conduct of the inland 
 expedition was given to Yaf-frai, who now commanded in 
 chief in Fatsissio ; and the rest of the troops were sent 
 up the great river, under the auspices of Ya-loff, who had so 
 eminently distinguished himself in the course of the preceding 
 year. 
 
 Orator Taycho had received some articles of intelligence, 
 which embarrassed him a little at first, but these difficulties 
 soon vanished, before the vigour of his resolutions. He 
 knew that not only the town of Quib-quab was fortified by 
 art, but also, that the whole adjacent country was almost 
 impregnable by nature : that one Chinese general blocked
 
 35o ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 up the passes, with a strong body of forces, in the route 
 which was to be followed by Yaf-frai ; and that another 
 commanded a separate corps in the neighbourhood of 
 Quib-quab, equal, at least in number, to the detachment 
 of Ya-loff, whom he might therefore either prevent from 
 landing, or attack after he should be landed ; or finally, 
 should neither of these attempts succeed, he might re- 
 inforce the garrison of Quib-quab, so as to make it more 
 numerous than the besieging army, which, according to 
 the rules of war, ought to be ten times the number of 
 the besieged. 
 
 On the other hand, in order to invalidate these objections, 
 he reflected that fortune, which hath such a share, in all 
 military events, is inconstant and variable ; that as the Chinese 
 had been so long successful in Fatsissio, it was now their turn 
 to be unfortunate. He reflected that the demon of folly was 
 capricious, and that as it had so long possessed the rulers 
 and generals of Japan, it was high time it should shift 
 its quarters, and occupy the brains of the enemy ; in which 
 case they would quit their advantageous posts, and commit 
 some blunder, that would lay them at the mercy of the 
 Japanese. With respect to the reduction of Quib-quab, 
 he had heard, indeed, that the besiegers ought to be ten 
 times the number of the garrison besieged ; but as every 
 Japanese was equivalent to ten subjects of China, he thought 
 the match was pretty equal. He reflected, that even if 
 this expedition should not succeed, it would be of littie 
 consequence to his reputation, as he could plead at home, 
 that he neither conceived the original plan, nor appointed 
 any of the officers concerned in the execution. It is true, 
 he might have reinforced the army in Fatsissio, so as to 
 leave very little to fortune : but then he must have sub- 
 tracted something from the strength of the operations in 
 Tartary, which was now become the favourite scene of the 
 war ; or he must have altogether suspended the execution 
 of another darling scheme, which was literally his own 
 conception. There was an island in the great Indian Ocean, 
 at a considerable distance from Fatsissio ; and here the
 
 Corbould fecit . 
 
 z/7(r. GDrafor (pctt/cfto in fits cj/ttt///. 
 
 ATOM.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 351 
 
 Chinese had a strong settlement. Taycho was inflamed 
 with the ambition of reducing this island, which was called 
 Thin-quo ; and for this purpose he resolved to embark a 
 body of forces which should co-operate with the squadron 
 of Fune, destined to cruise in those latitudes. The only 
 difficulty that remained, was to choose a general to direct 
 this enterprise. 
 
 He perused a list of all the military officers in Japan ; and 
 as they were all equal in point of reputation, he began 
 to examine their names, in order to pitch upon that, 
 which should appear to be the most significant : and 
 in this particular, Taycho was a little superstitious. Not 
 but that surnames, when properly bestowed, might be 
 rendered very useful terms of distinction : but I must tell 
 thee, Peacock, nothing can be more preposterously absurd 
 than the practice of inheriting cognomina, which ought ever 
 to be purely personal. I would ask thee, for example, 
 what propriety there was in giving the name Xenophon, 
 which signifies one that speaks a foreign language, to the 
 celebrated Greek who distinguished himself not only as a 
 consummate captain, but also as an elegant writer in his 
 mother tongue ? What could be more ridiculous than to 
 denominate the great philosopher of Crotona, Pythagoras, 
 which implies a stinking speech ? Or what could be 
 more misapplied than the name of the weeping philosopher 
 Heraclitus, signifying military glory ? The inheritance of 
 surnames among the Romans, produced still more ludicrous 
 consequences. The best and noblest families in Rome 
 derived their names from the coarsest employments, or 
 else from the corporeal blemishes of their ancestors. The 
 Pisones were millers ; the Cicerones and the Lentuli were so 
 called from the vetches and the lentils which their forefathers 
 dealt in ; the Fabij were so denominated from a dung-pit, 
 in which the first of the family were begot by stealth in the 
 way of fornication. A ploughman gave rise to the great 
 family of the Serrani, the ladies of which always went without 
 smocks ; the Suilli, the Bubulci, and the Porci were descended 
 from a swineherd and a hog-butchcr. What could be more
 
 352 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 disgraceful than to call the senator Strabo, Squintum ? or 
 a fine lady of the house of Pceti, Pigsnies ? or to distinguish 
 a matron of the Limi, by the appellation of Sheep' s-eye ? 
 What could be more dishonourable than to give the surname 
 of Snub-nose to P. Silius, the propraetor, because his great, 
 great, great-grandfather had a nose of that make ? Ovid, 
 indeed, had a long nose, and therefore was justly denominated 
 Naso : but why should Horace be called Flaccus, as if his 
 ears had been stretched in the pillory ? I need not mention 
 the Burrbi, Nigri, Rufi, Aquilij, and Rutilij, because we have 
 the same foolish surnames in England ; and even the Lap-pa, 
 for I myself know a very pretty miss called Rough-head, 
 though in fact there is not a young lady in the Bills of 
 Mortality who takes more pains to dress her hair to the best 
 advantage. The famous dictator whom the deputies of 
 Rome found at the plough, was known by the name of 
 Cincinnatus, or Ragged-head. Now I leave you to judge 
 how it would sound in these days, if a footman at the 
 playhouse should call out, " My Lady Ragged-head's coach. 
 Room for my Lady Ragged-head." I am doubtful whether 
 the English name of Hale does not come from the Roman 
 cognomen Hala, which signified stinking breath. What 
 need I mention the Plauti, Panci, Valgi, Vari, Vatice, and 
 Scauri, the Tuditanti, the Malici, Cenestellce, and Lecece ; 
 in other words, the Splay-foots, Bandy-legs, Shamble-shins, 
 Baker-knees, Club-foots, Hammer-heads, Chubby-cheeks, Bald- 
 heads, and Letcher s. I shall not say a word of the Butio 
 or Buzzard, that I may not be obliged to explain the meaning 
 of the word Triorchis, from whence it takes its denomi- 
 nation ; yet all those were great families in Rome. But I 
 cannot help taking notice of some of the same improprieties 
 which have crept into the language and customs of this 
 country. 
 
 Let us suppose, for example, a foreigner reading an English 
 newspaper in these terms : " Last Tuesday the right honour- 
 able Timothy Sillyman, secretary of state for the southern 
 department, gave a grand entertainment to the nobility 
 and gentry at his house in Knave's Acre. The evening was
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 353 
 
 concluded with a ball, which was opened by Sir Samuel Hog 
 and Lady Diana Rough-head. — We hear there is purpose of 
 marriage between Mr. Alderman Small-cock and Miss 
 Harriot Hair-stones, a young lady of great fortune and 
 superlative merit. — By the last mail from Germany we have 
 certain advice of a complete victory which General Coward. 
 has obtained over the enemy. On this occasion the general 
 displayed all the intrepidity of a renowned hero. By the 
 same channel we are informed that Lieutenant Little-fear 
 has been broke by a court-martial for cowardice. — We hear 
 that Edward West, Esq., will be elected president of the 
 directors of the East India Company for the ensuing year. — 
 It is reported that Commodore North will be sent with a 
 squadron into the South Sea. Captains East and South 
 are appointed by the Lords of the Admiralty, commanders 
 of two frigates to sail on the discovery of the North-west 
 passage. — Yesterday morning Sir John Summer, Bart., lay 
 dangerously ill at his house in Spring Garden : he is attended 
 by Dr. Winter : but there is no hope of his recovery. — 
 Saturday last Philip Frost, a dealer in Gunpowder, died at his 
 house on Snow Hill, of a high fever caught by over-heating 
 himself in walking for a wager from No Man's Land to the 
 World's End. — Last week Mr. John Fog, teacher of astronomy 
 in Rotherhithe, was married to the widow Fairweather of 
 Puddledock. — We hear from Bath, that on Thursday last 
 a duel was fought on Lansdown, by Captain Sparrow and 
 Richard Hawke, Esq., in which the latter was mortally 
 wounded. — Friday last ended the sessions at the Old Bailey, 
 when the following persons received sentence of death : 
 Leonard Lamb, for the murder of Julius Wolf ; and Henry 
 Grave, for robbing and assaulting Dr. Death, whereby the 
 said Death was put in fear of his life. Giles Gosling, for 
 defrauding Simeon Fox of four guineas and his watch, by 
 subtle craft, was transported for seven years ; and David 
 Drinkwater was ordered to be set in the stocks, as an habitual 
 drunkard. The trial of Thomas Green, whitster, at Fulham, 
 fur a rape on the body of Flora White, a mulatto, was put 
 off till next sessions, on account of the absence of two 
 
 23
 
 354 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 material evidences, viz., Sarah Brown, clear-searcher, of 
 Pimlico, and Anthony Black, scarlet-dyer, of W ana-worth." — 
 I ask thee, Peacock, whether a sensible foreigner, who 
 understood the literal meaning of these names, which are 
 all truly British, would not think ye a nation of humor- 
 ists, who delighted in cross-purposes and ludicrous singu- 
 larity ? 
 
 But, indeed, ye are not more absurd in this particular than 
 some of your neighbours. I know a Frenchman of the name 
 of Bouvier, which signifies Cowkeeper, pique himself upon 
 his noblesse ; and a general called Valavoir, is said to have 
 lost his life by the whimsical impropriety of his surname, 
 which signifies * Go and see. You may remember an Italian 
 minister called Grossa-testa, or Great-head, though in fact he 
 had scarce any head at all. That nation has, likewise, its 
 Sforzas, Malatestas, Boccanigras, Porcinas, Giudices ; its 
 Colonnas, Muratorios, Medicis, and Gozzi ; Endeavours, 
 Cuckle-heads, Black-muzzles, Hogs, Judges, Pillars, Masons, 
 Leeches, and Chubby-chops. Spain has its Almohadas, 
 Girones, Uteras, Urfinas, and Zapatas ; signifying Cushions, 
 Gores, Bullocks, Bears, and Slippers. The Turks, in other 
 respects sensible people, fall into the same extravagance, 
 with respect to the inheritance of surnames. An Armenian 
 merchant, to whom I once belonged at Aleppo, used to dine 
 at the house of a cook whose name was Clock-maker ; and 
 the handsomest Ichoglan in the Bashaw's seraglio was sur- 
 named Crook-back. If we may believe the historian Buck, 
 there was the same impropriety in the same epithet bestowed 
 upon Richard III. king of England, who, he says, was one 
 of the best made men of the age in which he lived : but here 
 I must contradict the said Buck, from my own knowledge. 
 Richard had, undoubtedly, one shoulder higher than the 
 other, and his left arm was a little shrunk and contracted : 
 
 * The general taking a solitary walk in the evening, was 
 questioned by a sentinel, and answered " Va la voir." The soldier 
 taking the words in the literal sense, repeated the challenge: he 
 was answered in the same manner ; and being affronted, fired on 
 the general, who fell dead on the spot.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 355 
 
 but notwithstanding the ungracious colours in which he 
 has been drawn by the flatterers of the house of Lancaster, 
 I can assure thee, Peacock, that Richard was a prince of a 
 very agreeable aspect, and excelled in every personal accom- 
 plishment ; neither was his heart a stranger to the softer 
 passions of tenderness and pity. The very night that pre- 
 ceded the battle of Bosworth, in which he lost his life, 
 he went in disguise to the house of a farmer in the neighbour- 
 hood, to visit an infant son there boarded, who was the 
 fruit of an amour between him and a young lady of the first 
 condition. Upon this occasion he embraced the child with 
 all the marks of paternal affection, and doubtful of the 
 issue of the approaching battle, shed a flood of tears at parting 
 from him, after having recommended him to the particular 
 care of his nurse, to whom he gave money and jewels to a 
 considerable value. After the catastrophe of Richard this 
 house was plundered, and the nurse with difficulty escaped 
 to another part of the country ; but as the enemies of 
 Richard now prevailed, she never durst reveal the secret of 
 the boy's birth, and he was bred up as her own son to the 
 trade of brick-laying, in which character he lived and died 
 at an advanced age in London. Moreover, it is but justice 
 in me, who constituted part of one of Richard's yeomen 
 of the guard, to assure thee that this prince was not so wicked 
 and cruel as he has been represented. The only share he 
 had in the death of his brother Clarence, was his forbearing 
 to interpose in the behalf of that prince with their elder 
 brother King Edward IV., who, in fact, was the greatest 
 brute of the whole family : neither did he poison his own 
 wife, nor employ assassins to murder his two nephews in the 
 tower. Both the boys were given by Tyrrel in charge to 
 a German Jew, with directions to breed them up as his 
 own children, in a remote country ; and the eldest died of 
 a fever at Embden, and the other afterwards appeared 
 as claimant of the English crown : all the world knows 
 how he finished his career under the name of Perkin 
 Warbeck. 
 
 So much for the abuse of surnames, in the investigation
 
 356 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 of which I might have used thy own by way of illustration ; 
 for, if thou and all thy generation were put to the rack, 
 they would not be able to give any tolerable reason why 
 thou shouldst be called Peacock rather than Crab-louse. 
 But it is now high time to return to the thread of our 
 narration. Taycho, having considered the list of officers, 
 without finding one name which implied any active virtue, 
 resolved that the choice should depend upon accident. 
 He hustled them altogether in his cap, and putting in his 
 hand at random, drew forth that of Hob-nob ; a person who 
 had grown old in obscurity, without ever having found an 
 opportunity of being concerned in actual service. His 
 very name was utterly unknown to Fika-kaka ; and this 
 circumstance the orator considered as a lucky omen, for the 
 Cuboy had such a remarkable knack at finding out the 
 least qualified subjects, and overlooking merit, his new 
 colleague concluded (not without some shadow of reason) 
 that Hob-nob's being unknown to the prime minister was 
 a sort of negative presumption in favour of his character. 
 This officer was accordingly placed at the head of an arma- 
 ment, and sent against the island of Thin-quo, in the conquest 
 of which he was to be supported by a squadron of Fune 
 already in those latitudes under the command of the chief 
 He-Rhumn. 
 
 The voyage was performed without much loss : the 
 troops were landed without opposition. They had already 
 advanced towards a rising ground which commanded the 
 principal town of the island, and He-Rhumn had offered to 
 land and draw the artillery by the mariners of his squadron, 
 when Hob-nob had a dream which disconcerted all his 
 measures. He dreamed that he entertained all the islanders 
 in the temple of the White Horse ; and that his own grand- 
 mother did the honours of the table. Indeed, he could 
 not have performed a greater act of charity ; for they were 
 literally in danger of perishing by famine. Having consulted 
 his interpreter on this extraordinary dream, he was given 
 to understand that the omen was unlucky ; that if he per- 
 sisted in his hostilities, he himself would be taken prisoner,
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 357 
 
 and offered up as a sacrifice to the idol of the place. While 
 he ruminated on this unfavourable response, the principal 
 inhabitants of the island assembled, in order to deliberate 
 upon their own deplorable situation. They had neither 
 troops, arms, fortifications, nor provisions, and despaired 
 of supplies, as the fleet of Japan surrounded the island. In 
 this emergency, they determined to submit without opposi- 
 tion, and appointed a deputation to go and make a tender of 
 the island to General Hob-nob. This deputation, preceded 
 by white flags of truce, the Japanese commander no sooner 
 descried, than he thought upon the interpretation of his 
 dream. He mistook the deputies with their white flags 
 for the Bonzas of the idol to which he was to be sacrificed : 
 and, being sorely troubled in mind, ordered the troops to 
 be immediately embarked, notwithstanding the exhortations 
 of He-Rhumn, and the remonstrances of Rha-rin-tumm, 
 the second in command, who used a number of arguments 
 to dissuade him from his purpose. The deputies seeing the 
 enemy in motion made a halt, and after they were fairly 
 on board, returned to the town, singing hymns in praise of 
 the idol Fo, who, they imagined, had confounded the under- 
 standing of the Japanese general. 
 
 The attempt upon Thin-quo, having thus miscarried, 
 Hob-nob declared he would return to Japan ; but was with 
 great difficulty persuaded by the commander of the Fune 
 and his own second, to make a descent upon another island 
 belonging to the Chinese, called Qua-chu, where they assured 
 him he would meet with no opposition. As he had no 
 dream to deter him from this attempt, he suffered himself 
 to be persuaded, and actually made good his landing : but 
 the horror occasioned by the apparition of his grandmother 
 had made such an impression upon his mind, as affected the 
 constitution of his body. Before he was visited by another 
 such vision he sickened and died ; and in consequence of 
 his death, Rha-rin-tumm and He-Rhumn made a conquest 
 of the island of Qua-chu, which was much more valuable 
 than Thin-quo, the first and sole object of the expedition. 
 When the first news of this second descent arrived in Japan,
 
 358 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 the ministry were in the utmost confusion. Mr. Orator 
 Taycho did not scruple to declare that General Hob-nob 
 had misbehaved : first, in relinquishing Thin-quo, upon such 
 a frivolous pretence as the supposed apparition of an old 
 woman ; secondly, in attempting the conquest of another 
 place, which was not so much as mentioned in his instructions. 
 The truth is, the importance of Qua-chu was not known 
 to the cabinet of Japan. Fika-kaka believed it was some 
 place on the continent of Tartary, and exclaimed in a violent 
 passion, " Rot the blockhead. Hob-nob ; he'll have an army 
 of Chinese on his back in a twinkling ! " When the president 
 Soo-san-sin-o assured him that Qua-chu was a rich island at 
 an immense distance from the continent of Tartary, the 
 Cuboy insisted upon kissing his excellency's posteriors for 
 the agreeable information he had received. In a few weeks 
 arrived the tidings of the island's being totally reduced by 
 Rha-rin-tumm and He-Rhumn. Then the conquest was 
 published throughout the empire of Japan, with every 
 circumstance of exaggeration. The blatant beast brayed 
 applause. The rites of Fakku-basi were celebrated with 
 unusual solemnity, and hymns of triumph were sung to the 
 glory of the great Taycho. Even the Cuboy arrogated 
 to himself some share of the honour gained by this expedition ; 
 inasmuch as the general, Rha-rin-tumm, was the brother of 
 his friend Mr. Secretary No-bo-dy. Fika-kaka gave a grand 
 entertainment at his palace, where he appeared crowned 
 with a garland of the Tsikk-bura-siba, or laurel of Japan ; 
 and ate so much of the soup of Joniku, or famous Swallow , s- 
 nest, that he was for three days troubled with flatulencies 
 and indigestion. 
 
 In the midst of all this festivity, the emperor still growled 
 and grumbled about Yesso. His new ally Brut-an-tiffi had 
 met with a variety of fortune, and even suffered some shocks, 
 which orator Taycho, with all his art, could not keep from 
 the knowledge of the Dairo. He had been severely drubbed 
 by the Mantchoux, who had advanced for that purpose 
 even to his court-yard : but this was nothing in comparison 
 to another disaster, from which he had a hair's-breadth
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 359 
 
 escape. The Great Khan had employed one of his most 
 wily and enterprising chiefs to seize Brut-an-tiffi by surprise, 
 that he might be brought to justice, and executed as a felon 
 and perturbator of the public peace. Kunt-than, who was 
 the partisan pitched upon for this service, practised a 
 thousand stratagems to decoy Brut-an-tiffi into a careless 
 security : but he was still baffled by the vigilance of Yam-a- 
 Kheit, a famous soldier of fortune, who had engaged in the 
 service of the outlawed Tartar. At length the opportunity 
 offered, when this captain was sent out to lay the country 
 under contribution. Then Kunt-than marching solely in 
 the dead of the night, caught Brut-an-tiffi napping. He 
 might have slain him upon the spot, but his orders were to 
 take him alive, that he might be made a public example ; 
 accordingly, his sentinels being dispatched, he was pulled 
 out of bed, and his hands were already tied with cords, 
 like those of a common malefactor, when by his roaring and 
 bellowing, he gave the alarm to Yam-a-Kheit, who chanced 
 to be in the neighbourhood, returning from his excursion. 
 He made all the haste he could, and came up in the very nick 
 of time to save his master. He fell upon the party of Kunt- 
 than with such fury, that they were fain to quit their prey ; 
 then he cut the fetters of Brut-an-tiffi, who took to his heels 
 and fled with incredible expedition, leaving his preserver 
 in the midst of his enemies, by whom he was overpowered, 
 struck from his horse, and trampled to death. The grateful 
 Tartar not only deserted this brave captain in such extremity, 
 but he also took care to asperse his memory, by insinuating 
 that Yam-a-Kheit had undertaken to watch him while he 
 took his repose, and had himself fallen asleep upon his post, 
 by which neglect of duty the Ostrog had been enabled to 
 penetrate into his quarters. 'Tis an ill wind that blows 
 nobody pood ! — the same disaster that deprived him of a 
 good officer, afforded him an opportunity to shift the blame 
 of neglect from his own shoulders to those of a person who 
 could not answer for himself. In the same manner, your 
 general A y acquitted himself of the charge of miscon- 
 duct for the attack of T a, by accusing his engineer, who,
 
 360 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 having fallen in the battle, could not contradict his assertion. 
 In regard to the affair with the Mantchoux, Brut-an-tiffi 
 was resolved to swear truth out of Tartary by mere dint of 
 impudence. In the very article of running away, he began 
 to propagate the report of the great victory he had obtained. 
 He sent the Dairo a circumstantial detail of his own prowess, 
 and expatiated upon the cowardice of the Mantchoux, 
 who, he said, had vanished from him like quicksilver, at the 
 very time when they were quietly possessed of the field of 
 battle, and he himself was calling upon the mountains 
 to cover him. It must have been in imitation of this great 
 original, that the inspector, of tympanitical memory, assured 
 the public in one of his lucubrations, that a certain tall 
 Hibernian was afraid of looking him in the face ; because the 
 said poltroon had kicked his breech the night before in 
 presence of five hundred people. 
 
 Fortune had now abandoned the Chinese in good earnest. 
 Two squadrons of their Fune had been successively taken, 
 destroyed, or dispersed, by the Japanese commanders 
 Ornbos and Fas-khan ; and they had lost such a number of 
 single junks, that they were scarce able to keep the sea. 
 On the coast of Africa they were driven from the settlement 
 of Kho-rhe by the commander Kha-fell. In the extremity 
 of Asia, they had an army totally defeated by the Japanese 
 captain, Khutt-whang, and many of their settlements were 
 taken. In Fatsissio, they lost another battle to Yan-oni, 
 and divers strongholds. In the neighbourhood of Yesso, 
 Bron-xi-tic, who commanded the mercenary army of Japan 
 on that continent, had been obliged to retreat before the 
 Chinese from post to pillar, till at length he found it abso- 
 lutely necessary to maintain his position, even at the risk 
 of being attacked by the enemy, that outnumbered him 
 greatly. He chose an advantageous post, where he thought 
 himself secure, and went to sleep at his usual time of rest. 
 The Chinese general resolving to beat up his quarters in the 
 night, selected a body of horse for that purpose, and put 
 them in motion accordingly. It was happy for Bron-xi-tic 
 that this detachment fell upon a ^quarter where there
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 361 
 
 happened to be a kennel of Japanese dogs, which are as 
 famous as the bull-dogs of England. These animals, ever 
 on the watch, not only gave the alarm, but at the same time 
 fell upon the Chinese horses with such impetuosity, that 
 the enemy were disordered, and had actually fled before 
 Bron-xi-tic could bring up his troops to action. All that 
 he saw of the battle, when he came up, was a small number 
 of killed and wounded, and the cavalry of the enemy scam- 
 pering off in confusion, though at a great distance from the 
 field. No matter ; he found means to paint this famous 
 battle of Myn-than in such colours as dazzled the weak 
 eyesight of the Japanese monster, which bellowed hoarse 
 applause through all its throats ; and in its hymns of triumph 
 equalled Bron-xi-tic even to the unconquerable Brut-an-tiffi, 
 which last, about this time, received at his own door another 
 beating from the Mantchoux, so severe that he lay for some 
 time without exhibiting any signs of life ; and, indeed, 
 owed his safety to a very extraordinary circumstance. An 
 Ostrog chief called Llha-dahn, who had reinforced the 
 Mantchoux with a considerable body of horse before the 
 battle, insisted upon carrying off the carcase of Brut-an-tiffi, 
 that it might be hung up on a gibbet in terrorem, before the 
 pavilion of the Great Khan. The general of the Mantchoux, 
 on the other hand, declared he would have it flayed on the 
 spot, and the skin sent as a trophy to his sovereign. This 
 dispute produced a great deal of abuse betwixt those 
 barbarians ; and it was with great difficulty some of their 
 inferior chiefs, who were wiser than themselves, prevented 
 them from going by the ears together. In a word, the con- 
 fusion and anarchy that ensued, afforded an opportunity 
 to one of Brut-an-tiffi's partisans to steal away the body of 
 his master, whom the noise of the contest had just roused 
 from his swoon. Llha-dahn perceiving he was gone, 
 rode off in disgust with all his cavalry ; and the Mantchoux, 
 instead of following the blow, made a retrograde motion 
 towards their own country, which allowed Brut-an-tiffi 
 time to breathe. Three successive disasters of this kind 
 would have been sufficient to lower the military character
 
 362 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 of any warrior, in the opinion of any public that judged 
 from their own senses and reflection : but, by this time, 
 the Japanese had quietly resigned all their natural perceptions 
 and paid the most implicit faith to every article broached 
 by their apostle Taycho. The more it seemed to con- 
 tradict common reason and common evidence, the more 
 greedily was it swallowed as a mysterious dogma of the 
 political creed. Taycho then assured them that the whole 
 army of the Mantchoux was put to the sword ; and that 
 Bron-xi-tic would carry the war within three weeks, into the 
 heart of China ; he gave them goblets of horse-blood from 
 Myn-than, and tickled their ears and their noses ; they 
 snorted approbation, licked his toes, and sank into a profou, 
 lethargy. 
 
 From this, however, they were soon aroused by unwelcome 
 tidings from Fatsissio. Yaf-frai had proceeded in his route 
 until he was stopped by a vast lake, which he could not 
 possibly traverse without boats, cork-jackets, or some such 
 expedient, which could not be supplied for that campaign. 
 Ya-loff had sailed up the river to Quib-quab, which he found 
 so strongly fortified by nature, that it seemed rashness even 
 to attempt a landing, especially in the face of an enemy more 
 numerous than his own detachment. Land, however, he 
 did, and even attacked a fortified camp of the Chinese ; but, 
 in spite of all his efforts, he was repulsed with considerable 
 slaughter. He sent an account of this miscarriage to Taycho, 
 giving him to understand, at the same time, that he had 
 received no intelligence of Yaf-frai's motions ; that his 
 troops were greatly diminished ; that the season was too far 
 advanced to keep the field much longer ; and that nothing 
 was left them but a choice of difficulties, every one of which 
 seemed more insurmountable than another. Taycho having 
 deliberated on this subject, thought it was necessary to 
 prepare the monster for the worst that could happen, as he 
 now expected to hear by the first opportunity, that the grand 
 expedition of Fatsissio had totally miscarried. He resolved, 
 therefore, to throw the blame upon the shoulders of Ya-loff 
 and Yaf-frai, and stigmatise them as the creatures of Fika-
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 363 
 
 kaka, who had neither ability to comprehend the instructions 
 he had given, nor resolution to execute the plan he had 
 projected. For this purpose he ascended the rostrum, and 
 with a rueful length of face opened his harangue upon the 
 defeat of Ya-loff. The hydra no sooner understood that 
 the troops of Japan had been discomfited, than it was seized 
 with a kind of hysteric fit, and uttered a yell so loud and 
 horrible, that the blindfold Dairo trembled in the most 
 internal recesses of his palace : the Cuboy Fika-kaka had 
 such a profuse evacuation, that the discharge is said to have 
 weighed five boll-ah, equal to eight and forty pounds three 
 ounces and two penny-weight avoirdupois of Great Britain. 
 Even Taycho himself was discomposed. In vain he presented 
 the draught of yeast and the goblet of blood ; in vain his 
 pipers soothed the ears, and his tall fellows tickled the nose 
 of the blatant beast. It continued to howl and grin, and 
 gnash its teeth, and writhe itself into a thousand contortions, 
 as if it had been troubled with that twisting of the guts called 
 the iliac passion. Taycho began to think its case desperate, 
 and sent for the Dairo's chief physician, who prescribed a 
 glyster of the distilled spirit analogous to your Geneva ; but 
 no apothecary nor old woman in Meaco would undertake 
 to administer it on any consideration, the patient was such 
 a filthy, awkward, lubberly, unmanageable beast. " If what 
 comes from its mouths," say they, " be so foul, virulent, and 
 pestilential, how nauseous, poisonous, and intolerable must 
 that be which takes the other course." When Taycho's art 
 and foresight was at a stand, accident came to his assistance. 
 A courier arrived, preceded by twelve postilions blowing 
 horns ; and he brought the news that Quib-quab was taken. 
 The orator commanded them to place their horns within 
 as many of the monster's long ears, and blow with all their 
 might, until it should exhibit some signs of hearing. The 
 experiment succeeded. The hydra waking from its trance, 
 opened its eyes ; and Taycho, seizing this opportunity, 
 hallooed in his loudest tone, " Quib-quab is taken." This 
 note being repeated, the beast started up ; then, raising itself 
 on its hind legs, began to wag its tail, to frisk and fawn, to
 
 364 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 lick Taycho's sweaty socks : in fine, crouching on its belly 
 it took the orator on its back, and proceeding through the 
 streets of Meaco, brayed aloud, " Make way for the divine 
 Taycho ! Make way for the conqueror of Quib-quab ! ' : 
 But the gallant Ya-loff, the real conqueror of Quib-quab, was 
 no more. He fell in the battle by which the conquest was 
 achieved, yet not before he saw victory declare in his favour. 
 He had made incredible efforts to surmount the difficulties 
 that surrounded him. At length he found means to scale 
 a perpendicular rock, which the enemy had left unguarded, 
 on the supposition that nature had made it inaccessible. This 
 exploit was performed in the night, and in the morning the 
 Chinese saw his troops drawn up in order of battle on the 
 plains of Quib-quab. As their numbers greatly exceeded 
 the Japanese, they did not decline the trial ; and in a little 
 time both armies were engaged. The contest, however, was 
 not of long duration, though it proved fatal to the general 
 on each side. Ya-loff being slain, the command devolved 
 upon Thon-syn, who pursued the enemy to the walls of 
 Quib-quab, which was next day surrendered to him by 
 capitulation. Nothing was now seen and heard in the 
 capital but jubilee, triumph, and intoxication ; and, indeed, 
 the nation had not for some centuries, seen such an occasion 
 for joy and satisfaction. The only person that did not 
 heartily rejoice was the Dairo Got-hama-baba. By this 
 time he was so Tartarised, that he grudged his subjects every 
 advantage obtained in Fatsissio ; and when Fika-kaka hobbled 
 up to him with the news of victory, instead of saluting him 
 with the kick of approbation, he turned his back upon him, 
 saying, " Boh ! boh ! What do you tell me of Quib-quab ? 
 The damned Chinese are still on the frontiers of Yesso." As 
 to the beast, it was doomed to undergo a variety of agitation. 
 Its present gambols were interrupted by a fresh alarm from 
 China. It was reported that two great armaments were 
 equipped for a double descent upon the dominions of Japan ; 
 that one of these had already sailed north about for the island 
 of Xicoco, to make a diversion in favour of the other, which, 
 being the most considerable, was designed for the southern
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 365 
 
 coast of Japan. These tidings, which were not without 
 foundation, had such an effect upon the multitudinous mon- 
 ster, that it was first of all seized with an universal shivering. 
 Its teeth chattered so loud, that the sound was heard at the 
 distance of half a league ; and for some time it was struck 
 dumb. During this paroxysm it crawled silently on its 
 belly to a sand-hill just without the walls of Meaco, and 
 began to scratch the earth with great eagerness and per- 
 severance. Some people imagined it was digging for gold : 
 but the truth is, the beast was making a hole to hide itself 
 from the enemy, whom it durst not look in the face ; for it 
 must be observed of this beast, it was equally timorous and 
 cruel ; equally cowardly and insolent. So hard it laboured 
 at this cavern, that it had actually burrowed itself all but 
 tail, when its good angel Taycho whistled it out, with the 
 news of another complete victory gained over the Chinese 
 at sea, by the Sey-seo-gun, Phal-khan, who had sure enough 
 discomfited or destroyed the great armament of the enemy. 
 As for the other small squadron which had steered the 
 northerly course to Xicoco, it was encountered, defeated, 
 taken, and brought into the harbour of Japan, by three light 
 P'une, under the command of a young chief, called Hel-y-otte, 
 who happened to be cruising on that part of the coast. The 
 beast hearing Taycho's auspicious whistle, crept out with his 
 buttocks foremost, and having done him homage in the 
 usual style, began to react its former extravagances. It now 
 considered this demagogue as the supreme giver of all good, 
 and adored him accordingly. The apostle Bupo was no 
 longer invoked. The temple of Fakku-basi was almost 
 forgotten ; and the Bonzas were universally despised. The 
 praise of the prophet Taycho had swallowed up all other 
 worship. Let us inquire how far he merited this adoration : 
 how justly the unparalleled success of this year was ascribed 
 to his conduct and sagacity. Kho-rhe was taken by Kha-fell, 
 and Quib-quab by Ya-loff and Thon-syn. By land, the 
 Chinese were defeated in Fatsissio by Yan-o-ni ; in the 
 extremity of Asia, by Khuu-whang ; and in Tartary, by the 
 Japanese bull-dogs, without command or direction. At
 
 366 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 sea one of their squadrons had been destroyed by Ornbos ; 
 a second by Fas-khan ; a third was taken by Hel-y-otte ; a 
 fourth was worsted and put to flight in three successive 
 engagements near the land of Kamtschatka, by the chief 
 Bha-kakh ; and their grand armament defeated by the 
 Sey-seo-gun, Phal-khan. But Kha-fell was a stranger to 
 orator Taycho ; Ya-loff he had never seen ; the bull-dogs 
 had been collected at random from the shambles of Meaco ; 
 he had never heard of Yan-oni's name, till he distinguished 
 himself by his first victory, nor did he know there was any 
 such person as Khutt-whang existing. As for Ornbos, 
 Fas-khan, Phal-khan, and Bha-kakh, they had been Sey-seo- 
 guns in constant employment under the former administra- 
 tion ; and the youth Hel-y-otte owed his promotion to the 
 interest of his own family. But it may be alleged, that 
 Taycho projected in his closet those plans that were crowned 
 with success. We have seen how he mutilated and frittered 
 the original scheme of the campaign in Fatsissio, so as to 
 leave it at the caprice of Fortune. The reduction of Kho-rhe 
 was part of the design formed by the Banyan, Thum-khumm- 
 qua, which Taycho did all that lay in his power to render 
 abortive. The plan of operations in the extremity of 
 Tartary he did not pretend to meddle with ; it was the con- 
 cern of the officers appointed by the trading company there 
 settled ; and as to the advantages obtained at sea, they 
 naturally resulted from the disposition of cruises, made and 
 regulated by the board of Sey-seo-gun-sealty, with which 
 no minister ever interfered. He might, indeed, have 
 recalled the chiefs and officers whom he found already 
 appointed when he took the reins of administration, and 
 filled their places with others of his own choosing. How 
 far he was qualified to make such a choice, and plan new 
 expeditions, appears from the adventures of the generals he 
 did appoint ; Moria-tanti, who was deterred from landing 
 by a perspective view of whiskers ; Hylib-bib, who left his 
 rear in the lurch ; and Hob-nob, who made such a masterly 
 retreat from the supposed Bonzes of Thin-quo. These three 
 were literally commanders of his own creation, employed
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 367 
 
 in executing schemes of his own projecting ; and these three 
 were the only generals he made, and the only military plans 
 he projected, if we except the grand scheme of subsidising 
 Brut-an-tiffi, and forming an army of one hundred thousand 
 men in Tartary, for the defence of the farm of Yesso. Things 
 being so circumstanced, it may be easily conceived that the 
 orator could ask nothing which the mobile would venture 
 to refuse ; and indeed he tried his influence to the utmost 
 stretch ; he milked the dugs of the monster till the blood 
 came. For the service of the ensuing year, he squeezed from 
 them near twelve millions of obans, amounting to near 
 twenty-four millions sterling, about four times as much as 
 had ever been raised by the empire of Japan in any former 
 war. But, by this time, Taycho was become not only a 
 convert to the system of Tartary, which he had formerly 
 persecuted, but also an enthusiast in love and admiration 
 of Brut-an-tiffi, who had lately sent him his poetical works 
 in a present. This, however, would have been of no use, as 
 he could not read them, had not he discovered that they 
 were printed on a very fine, soft, smooth Chinese paper made 
 of silk, which he happily converted to another fundamental 
 purpose. In return for this compliment, the orator sent 
 him a bullock's horn bound with brass, value fifteen pence, 
 which had long served him as a pitch-pipe when he made 
 harangues to the mobile — it was the same kind of instrument 
 which Horace describes : Tibia vincta orichalco ; and pray 
 take notice, Peacock, this was the only present Taycho ever 
 bestowed on any man, woman, or child, through the whole 
 course of his life, I mean out of his own pocket ; for he 
 was extremely liberal of the public money, in his subsidies 
 to the Tartar chiefs, and in the prosecution of the war 
 upon that continent. The orator was a genius self-taught 
 without human instruction. He affected to undcr-value 
 all men of literary talents ; and the only book he ever 
 read with any degree of pleasure was a collection of 
 rhapsodies preached by one Ab-ren-thi, an obscure fanatic 
 Bonze, a native of the island of Xicoco. Certain it is, 
 Nature seemed to have produced him for the sole pur-
 
 368 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 pose of fascinating the mob, and endued him with faculties 
 accordingly. i 
 
 Notwithstanding all his efforts in behalf of the Tartarian 
 scheme, the Chinese still lingered on the frontiers of Yesso. 
 The views of the court of Pekin exactly coincided with the 
 interest of Bron-xi-tic, the mercenary general of Japan. The 
 Chinese, confounded at the unheard-of success of the 
 Japanese in Fatsissio, and other parts of the globe, and 
 extremely mortified at the destruction of their fleets, and 
 the ruin of their commerce, caw no other way of distressing 
 the enemy, but that of prolonging the war on the continent 
 of Tartary, which they could support for little more than 
 their ordinary expense ; whereas Japan could not maintain 
 it without contracting yearly immense loads of debt, which 
 must have crushed it at the long run. It was the business 
 of the Chinese, therefore, not to finish the war in Tartary 
 by taking the farm of Yesso, because, in that case, the annual 
 expense of it would have been saved to Japan ; but to keep 
 it alive by forced marches, predatory excursions, and inde- 
 cisive actions ; and this was precisely the interest of General 
 Bron-xi-tic, who in the continuance of the war enjoyed 
 the continuance of all his emoluments. All that he had 
 to do, then, was to furnish Taycho from time to time with 
 a cask of human blood, for the entertainment of the blatant 
 beast ; and to send over a few horse-tails, as trophies of 
 pretended victories, to be waved before the monster in its 
 holiday processions. He and the Chinese general seemed 
 to act in concert. They advanced and retreated in their 
 turns betwixt two given lines, and the campaign always 
 ended on the same spot where it began. The only difference 
 between them was in the motives of their conduct ; the 
 Chinese commander acted for the benefit of his sovereign, 
 and Bron-xi-tic acted for his own. 
 
 The continual danger to which the farm of Yesso was 
 exposed, produced such apprehensions and chagrin in the 
 mind of the Dairo Got-hama-baba, that his health began to 
 decline. He neglected his food and his rattle, and no longer 
 took any pleasure in kicking the Cuboy. He frequently
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 369 
 
 muttered ejaculations about the farm of Yesso : nay, once 
 or twice in the transports of his impatience, he pulled the 
 bandage from his eyes, and cursed Taycho in the Tartarian 
 language. At length he fell into a lethargy, and even when 
 roused a little by blisters and caustics, seemed insensible of 
 everything that was done about him. These blisters were 
 raised by burning the moxa upon his scalp. The powder of 
 menoki was also injected in a glyster ; and the operation of 
 acupuncture, called Senkei, performed without effect. His 
 disorder was so stubborn, that the Cuboy began to think he 
 was bewitched, and suspected Taycho of having practised 
 sorcery on his sovereign. He communicated this suspicion 
 to Muraclami, who shook his head, and advised that, with 
 the orator's good leave, the council should be consulted. 
 Taycho, who had gained an absolute empire over the mind 
 of the Dairo, and could not foresee how his interest might 
 stand with his successor, was heartily disposed to concur in 
 any feasible experiment for the recovery of Got-hama-baba : 
 he therefore consented that the mouths of the council should 
 be unpadlocked fro hac vice, and the members were assembled 
 without delay ; with this express proviso, however, that they 
 were to confine their deliberations to the subject of the 
 Dairo and his distemper. By this time, the physicians had 
 discovered the cause of the disorder, which was no other 
 than his being stung by a poisonous insect, produced in the 
 land of Yesso, analogous to the tarantula, which is said to 
 do so much mischief in some parts of Apuglia : as we are 
 told by ./Elian, Epiphanius Fcrdinandus, and Baglivi. In 
 both cases, the only effectual remedy was music ; and now 
 the council was called, to determine what sort of music should 
 be administered. You must know, Peacock, the Japanese 
 are but indifferently skilled in this art, though, in general, 
 they affect to be connoisseurs. They are utterly ignorant 
 of the theory, and in practice are excelled by all their neigh- 
 bours, the Tartars not excepted. For my own part I studied 
 music, under Pythagoras, at Crotona. He found the scale 
 of seven tones imperfect, and added the octave as a fixed, 
 sensible, and intelligent termination of an interval, which 
 
 24
 
 370 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 included every possible division, and determined all the 
 relative differences of sounds besides : he taught us how to 
 express the octave by half, etc., etc. But why should I talk 
 to thee of the ancient digramma, the genera, etc., of music, 
 which, with their colours, were constructed by a division 
 of the diatessaron. Thou art too dull and ignorant to 
 comprehend the chromatic species, the construction of the 
 tetrachord, the Phrygian, the Lydian, and other modes of 
 the ancient music : and for distinction of ear, thou mightest 
 be justly ranked among the braying tribe that graze along 
 the ditches of Tottenham Court or Hockley-i'-the-hole. I 
 know that nothing exhilarates thy spirits so much as a sonata 
 on the salt-box, or a concert of marrow-bones and cleavers. 
 The ears of the Japanese were much of the same texture ; 
 and their music was suited to their ears. They neither 
 excelled in the melopceia, and rhythm or cadence ; nor did 
 they know anything of the true science of harmony, com- 
 positions in parts, and those combinations of sounds, the 
 invention of which, with the improvement of the scale, is 
 erroneously ascribed to a Benedictine monk. The truth is, 
 the ancients understood composition perfectly well. Their 
 scale was founded upon perfect consonances : they were 
 remarkably nice in tempering sounds, and had reduced their 
 intervals and concords to mathematical demonstration. 
 
 But, to return to the council of twenty-eight, they 
 convened in the same apartment where the Dairo lay ; and 
 as the business was to determine what kind of music was 
 most likely to make an impression upon his organs, every 
 member came provided with his expedient. First and 
 foremost, Mr. Orator Taycho pronounced an oration upon 
 the excellencies of the land of Yesso, of energy (as the Cuboy 
 said) sufficient to draw the moon from her sphere ! It drew 
 nothing, however, from the patient but a single groan. Then 
 the Fatzman caused a drum to beat, without producing 
 any effect at all upon the Dairo, though it deprived the 
 whole council of their hearing for some time. The third 
 essay was made by Fika-kaka ; the first with a rattle, and 
 then with tongs and gridiron, which last was his favourite
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 371 
 
 music ! but here it failed, to his great surprise and con- 
 sternation. Sti-phi-rum-poo brought the crier of his court 
 to promulgate a decree against Yesso, in a voice that is wont 
 to make the culprit tremble ! but the Dairo was found 
 Ignoramus. Nin-kom-poo-po blew a blast with a kind of 
 boatswain's whistle, which discomposed the whole audience 
 without affecting the emperor. Fokh-si-rokhu said he 
 would try his imperial majesty with a sound which he had 
 always been known to prefer to every other species of music ; 
 and pulling out a huge purse of golden obans, began to chink 
 them in his ear. This experiment so far succeeded, that 
 the Dairo was perceived to smile, and even to contract one 
 hand : but further effect it had none. At last Gotto-mio 
 starting up, threw a small quantity of aurum fulminans into 
 the fire, which went off with such explosion, that in the 
 same instant Fika-kaka fell flat upon his face, and Got- 
 hama-baba started up in his bed. This, however, was no 
 more than a convulsion that put an end to his life, for he 
 fell back again, and expired in the twinkling of an eye. As 
 for the Cuboy, though he did not die, he underwent a sur- 
 prising transformation or metamorphosis, which I shall 
 record in due season. 
 
 Taycho was no sooner certified that Got-hama-baba had 
 actually breathed his last, than he vanished from the council 
 in the twinkling of an eye, and mounting the beast whose 
 name is Legion, rode full speed to the habitation of Gto-gio, 
 the successor and descendant of the deceased Dairo. Gio-gio 
 was a young prince who had been industriously sequestered 
 from the public view, and excluded from all share in the 
 affairs of state by the jealousy of the last emperor. He 
 lived retired under the wings of his grandmother, and had 
 divers preceptors to teach him the rudiments of every art 
 but the art of reigning. Of all those who superintended his 
 education, he who insinuated himself the farthest in his 
 favour was one Yak-strot, from the mountains of Ximo, who 
 valued himself much upon the ancient blood that ran in his 
 veins, and still more upon his elevated ideas of patriotism. 
 Yak-strot was honest at bottom, but proud, reserved, vain,
 
 372 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 and affected. He had a turn, for knick-knacks and gim- 
 cracks, and once made and mounted an iron jack and a 
 wooden clock with his own hands. But it was his misfortune 
 to set up for a connoisseur in painting and other liberal arts, 
 and to announce himself an universal patron of genius. He 
 did not fail to infuse his own notions and conceits into the 
 tender mind of Gio-gio, who gradually imbibed his turn of 
 thinking, and followed the studies which he recommended. 
 With respect to his lessons on the art of government, he 
 reduced them to a very few jimple principles. His maxims 
 were these : That the Emperor of Japan ought to cherish 
 the established religion, both by precept and example ; that 
 he ought to abolish corruption, discourage faction, and 
 balance the two parties by admitting an equal number from 
 each to places and offices of trust in the administration ; 
 that he should make peace as soon as possible, even in despite 
 of the public, which seemed insensible of the burthen it 
 sustained, and was indeed growing delirious by the illusions 
 of Taycho, and the cruel evacuations he had prescribed ; 
 that he should retrench all superfluous expense in his house- 
 hold and government, and detach himself entirely from the 
 accursed farm of Yesso, which some evil genius had fixed 
 upon the breech of Japan, as a cancerous ulcer through which 
 all her blood and substance would be discharged. These 
 maxims were generally just enough in speculation, but some 
 of them were altogether impracticable — for example, that 
 of forming an administration equally composed of the two 
 factions was as absurd as it would be to yoke two stone-horses 
 and two jack-asses in the same carriage, which, instead of 
 drawing one way, would do nothing but bite and kick one 
 another, while the machine of government would stand 
 stock-still, or perhaps be torn in pieces by their dragging in 
 opposite directions. The people of Japan had been long 
 divided between two inveterate parties known by the names 
 of Shit-tilk-ums-heit and She-it-kums-hi-til, the first 
 signifying more fool than knave and the other more knave than 
 fool. Each had predominated in its turn, by securing a 
 majority in the assemblies of the people ; for the majority
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 373 
 
 had always interest to force themselves into the administra- 
 tion ; because the constitution being partly democratic, the 
 Dairo was still obliged to truckle to the prevailing faction. 
 To obtain this majority, each side had employed every art 
 of corruption, calumny, insinuation, and priestcraft ; for 
 nothing is such an effectual ferment in all popular com- 
 motions as religious fanaticism. No sooner one party 
 accomplished its aim than it reprobated the other, branding 
 it with the epithets of traitors to their prince ; while the 
 minority retorted upon them the charge of corruption, 
 rapaciousness, and abject servility. In short, both parties 
 were equally abusive, rancorous, uncandid, and illiberal. 
 Taycho had been of both factions more than once. He 
 made his first appearance as a Shit-tilk-ums-heit in the 
 minority, and displayed his talent for scurrility against the 
 Dairo to such advantage, that an old rich hag, who loved 
 nothing so well as money, except the gratification of her 
 revenge, made him a present of five thousand obans, on 
 condition he should continue to revile the Dairo till his 
 dying day. After her death, the ministry, intimidated by 
 the boldness of his tropes, and the fame he began to acquire 
 as a malcontent orator, made him such offers as he thought 
 proper to accept ; and then he turned She-it-kums-hi-til. 
 Being disgusted in the sequel, at his own want of importance 
 in the council, he opened once more at the head of his old 
 friends the Shit-tilk-ums-hitites ; and once more he deserted 
 them to rule the roost, as chief of the She-it-kums-hi-tilites, 
 in which predicament he now stood. And, indeed, this 
 was the most natural posture in which he could stand ; for 
 this party embraced all the scum of the people, constituting 
 the blatant beast, which his talents were so peculiarly 
 adapted to manage and govern. Another impracticable 
 maxim of Yak-strot was the abolition of corruption, the 
 ordure of which is as necessary to anoint the wheels of 
 government in Japan, as grease is to smear the axle-tree of a 
 loaded waggon. His third impolitic (though not imprac- 
 ticable) maxim was that of making peace while the populace 
 were': intoxicated with blood, and elated with the shows of
 
 374 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 triumph. Be that as it will, Gio-gio, attended by Yak-strot, 
 was drawing plans of windmills, when orator Taycho, 
 opening the door, advanced towards him, and falling on his 
 knees, addressed him in these words : " The empire of Japan, 
 magnanimous prince, resembles at this instant, a benighted 
 traveller, who by the light of the star Hesperus continued 
 his journey without repining, until that glorious luminary 
 setting, left him bewildered in darkness and consternation : 
 but scarce had he time to bewail his fate, when the more 
 glorious sun, the ruler of a fresh day, appearing on the 
 tops of the eastern hills, dispelled his terrors with the 
 shades of night, and filled his soul with transports of pleasure 
 and delight. The illustrious Got-hama-baba, of honoured 
 memory, is the glorious star which hath set on our hemi- 
 sphere. His soul, which took wing about two hours ago, is 
 now happily nestled in the bosom of the blessed Bupo ; and 
 you, my prince, are the more glorious rising sun, whose 
 genial influence will cheer the empire, and gladden the 
 hearts of your faithful Japanese. I therefore hail your 
 succession to the throne, and cry aloud, ' Long live the ever- 
 glorious Gio-gio, Emperor of the three islands of Japan.' " 
 To this salutation the beast below brayed hoarse applause ; 
 and all present kissed the hand of the new emperor, who, 
 kneeling before his venerable grandame, craved her blessing, 
 desired the benefit of her prayers, that God would make him 
 a good king, and establish his throne in righteousness. 
 Then he ascended his chariot, accompanied by the orator 
 and his beloved Yak-strot, and proceeding to the palace of 
 Meaco, was proclaimed with the usual ceremonies, his 
 relation the Fatzman and other princes of the blood assisting 
 on this occasion. 
 
 The first step he took after this elevation was to publish 
 a decree, or rather exhortation, to honour religion and the 
 Bonzes ; and this was no impolitic expedient : for it firmly 
 attached that numerous and powerful tribe to his interest. 
 His next measures did not seem to be directed by the same 
 spirit of discretion. He admitted a parcel of raw boys, and 
 even some individuals of the faction of Shi-tilk-ums-hcit into
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 375 
 
 his council ; and though Taycho still continued to manage 
 the reins of administration, Yak-strot was associated with 
 him in office, to the great scandal and dissatisfaction of the 
 Niphonites, who hate all the Ximians with a mixture of 
 jealousy and contempt. 
 
 Fika-kaka was not the last who paid his respects to his 
 new sovereign, by whom he was graciously received, although 
 he did not seem quite satisfied ; because, when he presented 
 himself in his usual attitude, he had not received the kick 
 of approbation. New reigns, new customs. This Dairo 
 never dreamed of kicking those whom he delighted to 
 honour. It was a secret of state which had not yet come 
 to his knowledge ; and Yak-strot had always assured him, that 
 kicking the breech always and everywhere implied disgrace, 
 as kicking the parts before betokens ungovernable passion. 
 Yak-strot, however, in this particular, seems to have been 
 too confined in his notions of the etiquette : for it had been 
 the custom time immemorial for the Dairos of Japan to kick 
 their favourites and prime ministers. Besides, there are at 
 this day different sorts of kicks used even in England, without 
 occasioning any dishonour to the kickee. It is sometimes 
 a misfortune to be kicked out of place, but no dishonour. 
 A man is often kicked up in the way of preferment, in order 
 that his place may be given to a person of more interest. 
 Then there is the amorous kick, called Kick'um Jenny, which 
 every gallant undergoes with pleasure : hence the old 
 English appellation of Kicksy-wicksy, bestowed on a wanton 
 leman who knew all her paces. As for the familiar kick, it 
 is no other than a mark of friendship ; nor is it more dis- 
 honourable to be cuffed and cudgelled. Everybody knows 
 that the alapa, or box o' the ear, among the Romans, was a 
 particular mark of favour by which their slaves were made 
 free : and the favourite gladiator, when he obtained his 
 dismission from the service, was honoured with a sound 
 cudgelling ; this being the true meaning of the phrase rude 
 donatus. In the times of chivalry, the knight, when dubbed, 
 was well thwacked across the shoulders by his god-father in 
 ainii. Indeed, dubbing is no other than a corruption of
 
 376 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 drubbing. It was the custom formerly, here and elsewhere, 
 for a man to drub his son or apprentice as a mark of his 
 freedom, and of his being admitted to the exercise of arms. 
 The Paraschistes, who practised embalming in Egypt, which 
 was counted a very honourable profession, were always 
 severely drubbed, after the operation, by the friends and 
 relations of the defunct ; and to this day, the patriarch of 
 the Greeks once a year, on Easter-eve, when he carries out 
 the sacred fire from the holy sepulchre of Jerusalem, is 
 heartily cudgelled by the infidels, a certain number of whom 
 he hires for that purpose ; anc 1 he thinks himself very un- 
 happy and much disgraced, if he is not beaten into all the 
 colours of the rainbow. You know the Quakers of this 
 country think it no dishonour to receive a slap o' the face, 
 but when you smite them on one cheek, they present the 
 other, that it may have the same salutation. The venerable 
 Father Lactantius falls out with Cicero for saying, " A good 
 man hurts nobody, unless he is justly provoked ; nisi lacessi- 
 tur injuria." — " O," cries the good father, " quam simplicem 
 veramque sententiam duorum verborum abjectione corru-pit ! — 
 non minus enim mali est, referre injuriam, quam inferre." The 
 great philosopher Socrates thought it no disgrace to be kicked 
 by his wife Xantippe ; nay, he is said to have undergone 
 the same discipline from other people, without making the 
 least resistance, it being his opinion that it was more coura- 
 geous, consequently more honourable, to bear a drubbing 
 patiently, than to attempt anything either in the way of 
 self-defence or retaliation. The judicious and learned 
 Puffendorf, in his book De Jure Gentium & Naturali, 
 declares that a man's honour is not so fragile as to be hurt 
 either by a box on the ear, or a kick on the breech, otherwise 
 it would be in the power of every saucy fellow to diminish 
 or infringe it. It must be owned, indeed, Grotius De Jure 
 Belli i$ Pacis, says, that charity does not of itself require 
 our patiently suffering such an affront. The English have, 
 with a most servile imitation, borrowed their punto, as well 
 as other modes, from the French nation. Now kicking and 
 cuffing were counted infamous among those people for these
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 377 
 
 reasons. A box on the ear destroys the whole economy of 
 their frtsure, upon which they bestow the greatest part of 
 their time and attention ; and a kick on the breech is at- 
 tended with great pain and danger, as they are generally 
 subject to the piles. This is so truly the case that they 
 have no less than two saints to patronise and protect the 
 individuals afflicted with this disease. One is St. Fiacre, 
 who was a native of the kingdom of Ireland. He presides 
 over the blind piles. The other is a female saint, Hcemorr- 
 hoissa, and she comforts those who are distressed with the 
 bleeding piles. No wonder, therefore, that a Frenchman 
 put to the torture by a kick on those tender parts should 
 be provoked to vengeance ; and that this vengeance should 
 gradually become an article in their system of punctilio. 
 
 But to return to the thread of my narration. Whatever 
 inclination the Dairo and Yak-strot had to restore the 
 blessings of peace, they did not think proper as yet to combat 
 the disposition and schemes of orator Taycho ; in conse- 
 quence of whose remonstrances, the tributary treaty was 
 immediately renewed with Brut-an-tiffi, and Gio-gio declared 
 in the assembly of the people, that he was determined to 
 support that illustrious ally, and carry on the war with 
 vigour. By this time the Chinese were in a manner expelled 
 from their chief settlements in Fatsissio, where they now 
 retained nothing but an inconsiderable colony, which would 
 have submitted on the first summons : but this Taycho left 
 as a nest-egg to produce a new brood of disturbance to the 
 Japanese settlements, that they might not rust with too 
 much peace and security. To be plain with you, Peacock, 
 his thoughts were entirely alienated from this Fatsissian war, 
 in which the interest of his country was chiefly concerned, 
 and converted wholly to the continent of Tartary, where all 
 his cares centred in schemes for the success of his friend 
 Brut-an-tiffi. This freebooter had lately undergone strange 
 vicissitudes of fortune. He had seen his chief village 
 possessed and plundered by the enemy ; but he found means, 
 by surprise, to beat up their quarters in the beginning of 
 winter, which always proved his best ally, because then the
 
 378 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 Mantchoux Tartars were obliged to retire to their own 
 country, at a vast distance from the seat of war. As for 
 Bron-xi-tic, who commanded the Japanese army on that 
 continent, he continued to play booty with the Chinese 
 general, over whom he was allowed to have some petty 
 advantages, which, with the trophies won by Brut-an-tiffi, 
 were swelled up into mighty victories, to increase the infatua- 
 tion of the blatant beast. On the other hand, Bron-xi-tic 
 obliged the generals of China with the like indulgences, 
 by now and then sacrificing a detachment of his Japanese 
 troops, to keep up the spirit of that nation. 
 
 Taycho had levied upon the people of Japan an immense 
 sum of money for the equipment of a naval armament, 
 the destination of which was kept a profound secret. Some 
 politicians imagined it was designed for the conquest of 
 Thin-quo, and all the other settlements which the Chinese 
 possessed in the Indian Ocean : others conjectured the 
 intention was to attack the King of Corea, who had, since the 
 beginning of this war, acted with a shameful partiality in 
 favour of the Emperor of China, his kinsman and ally. But 
 the truth of the matter was this : Taycho kept the armament 
 in the harbours of Japan, ready for a descent upon the coast 
 of China, in order to make a diversion in favour of his friend 
 Brut-an-tiffi, in case he had run any risk of being oppressed 
 by his enemies. However, the beast of many heads having 
 growled and grumbled, during the best part of the summer, 
 at the inactivity of this expensive armament, it was now 
 thought proper to send it to sea at the beginning of winter ; 
 but it was driven back in great distress, by contrary winds and 
 storms, and this was all the monster had for its ten millions 
 of obans. 
 
 While Taycho amused the mobile with this winter 
 expedition, Yak-strot resolved to plan the scheme of economy 
 which he had projected. He dismissed from the Dairo's 
 service about a dozen of cooks and scullions, shut up one of 
 the kitchens, after having sold the grates, hand-irons, spits, 
 and saucepans ; deprived the servants and officers of the 
 household of their breakfast, took away their usual allowance
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 579 
 
 of oil and candles, retrenched their tables, reduced their 
 proportion of drink, and persuaded his pupil the Dairo to 
 put himself upon a diet of soup-meagre thickened with 
 oatmeal. In a few days there was no smoke seen to ascend 
 from the kitchens of the palace ; nor did any fuel, torch, 
 or taper blaze in the chimneys, courts,and apartments thereof, 
 which now became the habitation of cold, darkness, and 
 hunger. Gio-gio himself, who now turned peripatetic 
 philosopher merely to keep himself in heat, fell into a wash- 
 tub as he groped his way in the dark through one of the 
 lower galleries. Two of his body-guard had their whiskers 
 gnawed off by the rats, as they slept in his ante-chamber; 
 and their captain presented a petition, declaring that neither 
 he nor his men could undertake the defence of his imperial 
 majesty's person, unless their former allowance of provision 
 should be restored. They and all the individuals of the 
 household were not only punished in their bellies, but 
 likewise curtailed in their clothing, and abridged in their 
 stipends. The palace of Meaco, which used to be the temple 
 of mirth, jollity, and good cheer, was now so dreary and 
 deserted, that a certain wag fixed up a ticket on the outward 
 gate with this inscription : " This tenement to be let, the 
 proprietor having left off house-keeping." 
 
 Yak-strot, however, was resolved to show, that if the 
 new Dairo retrenched the superfluities of his domestic 
 expense, he did not act from avarice or poorness of spirit, 
 inasmuch as he should now display his liberality, in patronis- 
 ing genius and the arts. A general jubilee was now promised 
 to all those who had distinguished themselves by their talents 
 and erudition. The emissaries of Yak-strot declared that 
 Maecenas was but a type of this Ximian mountaineer, and 
 that he was determined to search for merit, even in the 
 thickest shades of obscurity. All these researches, however, 
 proved so unsuccessful, that not above four or five men of 
 genius could be found in the whole empire of Japan, and 
 these were gratified with pensions of about one hundred 
 obans each. One was a secularised Bonze, from Ximo ; 
 another a malcontent poet of Niphon ; a third, a reformed
 
 3 8o ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 comedian of Xicoco ; a fourth, an empyric, who had outlived 
 his practice ; and a fifth, a decayed apothecary, who was 
 bard, quack, author, chemist, philosopher, and simpler by 
 profession. The whole of the expense arising from the 
 favour and protection granted by the Dairo to these men of 
 genius did not exceed seven or eight hundred obans per 
 annum, amounting to about fifteen hundred pounds sterling ; 
 whereas many a private Quo in Japan expended more money 
 on a kennel of hounds. I do not mention those men of 
 singular merit, whom Yak-strot fixed in established places 
 under the Government, such as architects, astronomers, 
 painters, physicians, barbers, etc., because their salaries 
 were included in the ordinary expense of the crown : 1 
 shall only observe that a certain person who could not read 
 was appointed librarian to his imperial majesty. These 
 were all the men of superlative genius that Yak-strot could 
 find at this period in the empire of Japan. 
 
 Whilst this great patriot was thus employed in executing 
 his schemes of economy with more zeal than discretion, 
 and providing his poor relations with lucrative offices under 
 the Government, a negotiation for peace was brought upon 
 the carpet, by the mediation of certain neutral powers ; 
 and orator Taycho arrogated to himself the province of 
 discussing the several articles of the treaty. Upon this 
 occasion he showed himself surprisingly remiss, and in- 
 different m whatever related to the interest of Japan, 
 particularly in regulating and fixing the boundaries of the 
 Chinese and Japanese settlements in Fatsissio, the uncertainty 
 of which had given rise to the war ; but when the business 
 was to determine the claims and pretensions of his ally, 
 Brut-an-tiffi, on the continent of Tartary, he appeared stiff 
 and immovable as Mount Athos. He actually broke off the 
 negotiation, because the Emperor of China would not engage 
 to drive by force of arms the troops of his ally the Princess 
 of Ostrog, from a village or two belonging to the Tartarian 
 freebooter, who, by-the-bye, had left them defenceless at 
 the beginning of the war, on purpose that his enemies 
 might, by taking possession of them, quicken the resolu-
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 381 
 
 tion of the Dairo to send over an army for the protection of 
 Yesso. 
 
 The court of Pekin perceiving that the Japanese were 
 rendered intolerably insolent and overbearing by success, 
 and that an equitable peace could not be obtained while 
 orator Taycho managed the reins of government at Meaco, 
 and his friend Brut-an-tiffi found anything to plunder in 
 Tartary, resolved to fortify themselves with a new alliance. 
 They actually entered into closer connections with the King 
 of Corea, who was nearly related to the Chinese emperor, 
 had some old scores to settle with Japan, and because he 
 desired those disputes might be amicably compromised 
 in the general pacification, had been grossly insulted by 
 Taycho, in the person of his ambassador. He had for some 
 time dreaded the ambition of the Japanese ministry, which 
 seemed to aim at universal empire ; and he was, moreover, 
 stimulated by this outrage to conclude a defensive alliance 
 with the Emperor of China ; a measure which all the caution 
 of the two courts could not wholly conceal from the know- 
 ledge of the Japanese politicians. 
 
 Meanwhile, a dreadful cloud, big with ruin and disgrace, 
 seemed to gather round the head of Brut-an-tiffi. The 
 Mantchoux Tartars, sensible of the inconvenience of their 
 distant situation from the scene of action, which rendered 
 it impossible for them to carry on their operations vigorously 
 in conjunction with the Ostrog, resolved to secure winter 
 quarters, in some part of the enemy's territories, from whence 
 they should be able to take the field, and act against him 
 early in the spring. With this view, they besieged and took 
 a frontier fortress belonging to Brut-an-tiffi, situated upon 
 a great inland lake, which extended as far as the capital of 
 the Mantchoux, who were thus enabled to send thither 
 by water carriage, all sorts of provisions and military stores, 
 for the use of their army, which took up their winter quarters 
 accordingly, in and about this new acquisition. It was now 
 that the ruin of Brut-an-tiffi seemed inevitable. Orator 
 Taycho saw with horror the precipice to which he was 
 driven. Not that his fears were actuated by sympathy or
 
 382 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 friendship. Such emotions had never possessed the heart 
 of Taycho. No ; he trembled because he saw his own 
 popularity connected with the fate of the Tartar. It was 
 the success and petty triumphs of this adventurer which had 
 dazzled the eyes of the blatant beast, so as to disorder its 
 judgment, and prepare it for the illusions of the orator ; 
 but now that Fortune seemed ready to turn tail to Brut-an- 
 tiffi, and leave him a prey to his adversaries, Taycho knew 
 the disposition of the monster so well, as to prognosticate 
 that its applause and affection would be immediately turned 
 into grumbling and disgust ; and that he himself, who had 
 led it blindfold into this unfortunate connection, might 
 possibly fall a sacrifice to its resentment, provided he could 
 not immediately project some scheme to divert its attention, 
 and transfer the blame from his own shoulders. 
 
 For this purpose he employed his invention, and succeeded 
 to his wish. Having called a council of the twenty-eight, 
 at which the Dairo assisted in person, he proposed, and 
 insisted upon it, that a squadron of Fune should be imme- 
 diately ordered to scour the seas, and kidnap all the vessels 
 and ships belonging to the King of Corea, who had acted 
 during the whole war with the most scandalous partiality, 
 in favour of the Chinese emperor, and was now so intimately 
 connected with that potentate, by means of a secret alliance, 
 that he ought to be prosecuted with the same hostilities 
 which the other had severely felt. The whole council were 
 confounded at this proposal: the Dairo stood aghast, the 
 Cuboy trembled, Yak-strot stared like a skewered pig. 
 After some pause-, the president Soo-san-sin-o ventured to 
 observe, that the measure seemed to be a little abrupt and 
 premature ; that the nation was already engaged in a very 
 expensive war, which had absolutely drained it of its wealth, 
 and even loaded it with enormous debts ; therefore little 
 able to sustain such additional burthens as would, in all 
 probability, be occasioned by a rupture with a prince so 
 rich and powerful. Gotto-mio swore, the land-holders 
 were already so much impoverished by the exactions of 
 Taycho, that he himself, ere long, should be obliged to come
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 383 
 
 upon the parish. Fika-kaka got up to speak, but could only 
 cackle. Sti-phi-rum-poo was for proceeding in form by 
 citation. Nin-kom-poo-po declared, he had good intelli- 
 gence of a fleet of merchant ships belonging to Corea, laden 
 with treasure, who were then on their return from the 
 Indian isles ; and he gave it as his opinion, that they should 
 be waylaid, and brought into the harbours of Japan ; not by 
 way of declaring war, but only with a view to prevent the 
 money going into the coffers of the Chinese emperor. 
 Foksi-rokhu started two objections to this expedient ; first, 
 the uncertainty of falling in with the Corean fleet at sea, 
 alleging as an instance, the disappointment and miscarriage 
 of the squadron which the Sey-seo-gun had sent some years 
 ago to intercept the Chinese Fune on the coast of Fatsissio ; 
 secondly, the loss and hardship it would be to many subjects 
 of Japan who dealt in commerce, and had great sums em- 
 barked in those very Corean bottoms. Indeed, Foksi-rokhu 
 himself was interested in this very commerce. The Fatzman 
 sat silent. Yak-strot, who had some romantic notions of 
 honour and honesty, represented that the nation had already 
 incurred the censure of all its neighbours, by seizing the 
 merchant ships of China, without any previous declaration 
 of war ; that the law of nature and nations, confirmed by 
 repeated treaties, prescribed a more honourable method of 
 proceeding, than that of plundering like robbers the ships 
 of pacific merchants, who trade on the faith of such laws 
 and such treaties ; he was, therefore, of opinion, that if the 
 King of Corea had in any shape deviated from the neutrality 
 which he professed, satisfaction should be demanded in the 
 usual form ; and when that should be refused, it might be 
 found necessary to proceed to compulsive measures. The 
 Dairo acquiesced in this advice, and assured Taycho that an 
 ambassador should be forthwith dispatched to Corea, with 
 instructions to demand an immediate and satisfactory 
 explanation of that prince's conduct and designs with regard 
 to the empire of Japan. 
 
 This regular method of practice would by no means 
 suit the purposes of Taycho, who rejected it with great
 
 384 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 insolence and disdain. He bit his thumb at the president, 
 forked out his ringers on his forehead at Gotto-mio, wagged 
 his under-jaw at the Cuboy, snapped his fingers at Sti-phi- 
 rum-poo, grinned at the Sey-seo-gun, made the sign of the 
 cross or gallows to Foksi-rokhu ; then turning to Yak-strot, 
 he clapped his thumbs in his ears, and began to bray like 
 an ass ; finally, pulling out the badge of his office, he threw 
 it at the Dairo, who in vain entreated him to be pacified ; 
 and wheeling to the right-about, stalked away, slapping the 
 flat of his hand upon a certain part that shall be nameless. 
 He was followed by his kinsman the Quo Lob-kob, who 
 worshipped him with the most humble adoration. He now 
 imitated this great original in the signal from behind at 
 parting, and in him it was attended by a rumbling sound ; 
 but whether this was the effect of contempt or compunction 
 I could never learn. 
 
 Taycho having thus carried his point, which was to have 
 a pretence for quitting the reins of government, made his 
 next appeal to the blatant beast. He reminded the many- 
 headed monster of the uninterrupted success which had 
 attended his administration ; of his having supported the 
 glorious Brut-an-tiffi, the great bulwark of the religion of 
 Bupo, who had kept the common enemy at bay, and filled 
 all Asia with the fame of his victories. He told them, 
 that for his own part, he pretended to have subdued Fatsissio 
 in the heart of Tartary, that he despised honours and had 
 still a greater contempt for riches ; and that all his endeavours 
 had been solely exerted for the good of his country, which 
 was now brought to the very verge of destruction. He then 
 gave the beast to understand that he had formed a scheme 
 against the King of Corea, which would not only have dis- 
 abled that monarch from executing his hostile intentions with 
 respect to Japan, but also have indemnified this nation 
 for the whole expense of the war ; but that proposal having 
 been rejected by the council of twenty-eight, who were 
 influenced by Yak-strot, a Ximian mountaineer, without 
 spirit or understanding, he had resigned his office with 
 intention to retire to some solitude, where he should in
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 385 
 
 silence deplore the misfortunes of his country, and the ruin 
 of the Buponian religion, which must fall of course with 
 its great protector, Brut-an-tiffi, whom he foresaw the new 
 ministry would abandon. 
 
 This address threw Legion into such a quandary, that it 
 rolled itself into the dirt, and yelled hideously. Meanwhile, 
 the orator, retreating to a cell in the neighbourhood of 
 Meaco, hired the common crier to go round the streets 
 and proclaim that Taycho, being no longer in a condition 
 to afford anything but the bare necessaries of life, would by 
 public sale dispose of his ambling mule and furniture, 
 together with an ermined robe of his wife, and the greater 
 part of his kitchen utensils. At this time he was well known 
 to be worth upwards of twenty thousand gold obans ; 
 nevertheless, the mobile, discharging this circumstance 
 entirely from their reflection, attended to nothing but the 
 object which the orator was pleased to present. They 
 thought it was a piteous case, and a great scandal upon the 
 Government, that such a patriot, who had saved the nation 
 from ruin and disgrace, should be reduced to the cruel 
 necessity of selling his mule and his household furniture. 
 Accordingly they raised a clamour that soon rang in the ears 
 of Gio-gio and his favourite. 
 
 It was supposed that Muraclami suggested on this oc- 
 casion to his countryman, Yak-strot, the hint of offering a 
 pension to Taycho, by way of remuneration for his past 
 services. " If he refuses it," said he, " the offer will at least 
 reflect credit upon the Dairo and the administration ; but, 
 should he accept of it (which is much more likely), it will 
 either stop his mouth entirely, or expose him to the censure 
 of the people, who now adore him as a mirror of disinterested 
 integrity. The advice was instantly complied with ; the 
 Dairo signed a patent for a very ample pension to Taycho 
 and his heirs, which patent Yak-strot delivered to him next 
 day at his cell in the country. This miracle of patriotism 
 received the bounty as a turnpike-man receives the toll, 
 and then slapped his door full in the face of the favourite ; 
 yet nothing of what Muraclami had prognosticated came 
 
 25
 
 386 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 to pass. The many-headed monster, far from calling in 
 question the orator's disinterestedness, considered his 
 acceptance of the pension as a proof of his moderation, in 
 receiving such a trifling reward for the great services he had 
 done his country, and the generosity of the Dairo, instead 
 of exciting the least emotion of gratitude in Taycho's own 
 breast, acted only as a golden key to unlock all the sluices 
 of his virulence and abuse. 
 
 These, however, he kept within bounds until he should 
 see what would be the fate 01 Brut-an-tiffi, who now seemed 
 to be in the condition of a criminal at the foot of the ladder. 
 In this dilemma he obtained a very unexpected reprieve. 
 Before the army of the Mantchoux could take the least 
 advantage of the settlement they had made on the frontiers, 
 their empress died, and was succeeded by a weak prince, 
 who no sooner ascended the throne than he struck up a 
 peace with the Tartar freebooter, and even ordered his 
 troops to join him against the Ostrog, to whom they had 
 hitherto acted as auxiliaries. Such an accession of strength 
 would have cast the balance greatly in his favour, had not 
 Providence once more interposed, and brought matters 
 again to an equilibrium. 
 
 Taycho no sooner perceived his ally thus unexpectedly 
 delivered from the dangers that surrounded him, than he 
 began to repent of his own resignation, and resolved once 
 more to force his way to the helm, by the same means he 
 had so successfully used before. He was, indeed, of such a 
 turbulent disposition as could not relish the repose of private 
 life, and his spirit so corrosive, that it would have preyed 
 upon himself, if he could not have found external food for 
 it to devour. He therefore began to prepare his engines, 
 and provide proper emissaries to bespatter and raise a hue- 
 and-cry against Yak-strot at a convenient season, not doubting 
 but an occasion would soon present itself, considering the 
 temper, inexperience, and prejudices of this Ximian politi- 
 cian, together with the pacific system he had adopted, so 
 contrary to the present spirit of the blatant beast. 
 
 In these preparations he was much comforted and assisted
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 387 
 
 by his kinsman and pupil Lob-kob, who entered into his 
 measures with surprising zeal, and had the good luck to 
 light on such instruments as were admirably suited to the 
 work in hand. Yak-strot was extremely pleased at the 
 secession of Taycho, who had been a very troublesome 
 colleague to him in the administration, and run counter 
 to all the schemes he had projected for the good of the 
 empire. He now found himself at liberty to follow his own 
 inventions, and being naturally an enthusiast, believed him- 
 self born to be the saviour of Japan. Some efforts, however, 
 he made to acquire popularity, proved fruitless. Perceiving 
 the people were, by the orator's instigations, exasperated 
 against the King of Corea, he sent a peremptory message 
 to that prince, demanding a categorical answer ; and this 
 being denied, declared war against him, according to the 
 practice of all civilised nations ; but even this measure 
 failed of obtaining that approbation for which it was taken. 
 The monster, tutored by Taycho and his ministers, exclaimed 
 that the golden opportunity was lost, inasmuch as, during the 
 observance of those useless forms, the treasures of Corea 
 were safely brought home to that kingdom ; treasures which, 
 had they been interrupted by the Fune of Japan, would have 
 paid off the debts of the nation, and enabled the inhabitants 
 of Meaco to pave their streets with silver. By-the-bye, 
 this treasure existed nowhere but in the fiction of Taycho 
 and the imagination of the blatant beast, which never 
 attempted to use the evidence of sense or reason to examine 
 any assertion, how absurd and improbable soever it might be, 
 which proceeded from the mouth of the orator. 
 
 Yak-strot, having now taken upon himself the task of 
 steering the political bark, resolved to show the Japanese, 
 that although he recommended peace, he was as well qualified 
 as his predecessor for conducting the war. He therefore, 
 with the assistance of the Fatzman, projected three naval 
 enterprises ; the first against Thin-quo, the conquest of 
 which had been unsuccessfully attempted by Taycho ; the 
 second was destined for the reduction of Fan-yah, one of the 
 most considerable settlements belonging to the King of
 
 388 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 Corea, in the Indian Ocean ; and the third armament was 
 sent to plunder and destroy a flourishing colony called 
 Lli-man, which the same prince had established almost as 
 far to the southward as the Terra Australis Incognita. 
 Now the only merit which either Yak-strot, or any other 
 minister could justly claim from the success of such expedi- 
 tion, is that of adopting the most feasible of those schemes 
 which are presented by different projectors, and of appointing 
 such commanders as are capable of conducting them with 
 vigour and sagacity. 
 
 The next step which the favourite took was to provide 
 a helpmate for the young Dairo, and a certain Tartar 
 princess of the religion of Bupo, being pitched upon for this 
 purpose, was formally demanded, brought over to Niphon, 
 espoused by Gio-gio, and installed empress with the usual 
 solemnities. But, lest the choice of a Tartarian princess 
 should subject the Dairo to the imputation of inheriting 
 his predecessor's predilection for the land of Yesso, which 
 had given such sensible umbrage to all the sensible Japanese 
 who made use of their own reason, he determined to detach 
 his master gradually from those continental connections, 
 which had been the source of enormous expense and such 
 continual vexation to the empire of Japan. In these senti- 
 ments he withheld the annual tribute which had been lately 
 paid to Brut-an-tiffi, by which means he saved a consider- 
 able sum to the nation, and, at the same time, rescued it from 
 the infamy of such a disgraceful imposition. He expected 
 the thanks of the public for this exertion of his influence 
 in favour of his country, but he reckoned without his host. 
 What he flattered himself would yield him an abundant 
 harvest of honour and applause, produced nothing but 
 odium and reproach, as we shall see in the sequel. 
 
 These measures, pursued with an eye to the advantage 
 of the public, which seemed to argue a considerable share of 
 spirit and capacity, were strangely chequered with others 
 of a more domestic nature, which savoured strongly of 
 childish vanity, rash ambition, littleness of mind, and lack 
 of understanding. He purchased a vast wardrobe of tawdry
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 389 
 
 clothes, and fluttered in all the finery of Japan ; he prevailed 
 upon his master to vest him with the badges and trappings 
 of all the honorary institutions of the empire, although this 
 multiplication of orders in the person of one man was alto- 
 gether without precedent or prescription. This was only 
 setting himself up as the more conspicuous mark for envy 
 and detraction. 
 
 Not contented with engrossing the personal favour and 
 confidence of his sovereign, and, in effect, directing the 
 whole machine of government, he thought his fortune 
 still imperfect, while the treasure of the empire passed 
 through the hands of the Cuboy, enabling that minister 
 to maintain a very extensive influence, which might one day 
 interfere with his own. He therefore employed all his 
 invention, together with that of his friends, to find out some 
 specious pretext for removing the old Cuboy from his office, 
 and in a little time accident afforded what all their intrigues 
 had not been able to procure. 
 
 Ever since the demise of Got-hama-baba, poor Fika-kaka 
 had been subject to a new set of vagaries. The death of his 
 old master gave him a rude shock ; then the new Dairo 
 encroached upon his province, by preferring a Bonze without 
 his consent or knowledge ; finally, he was prevented by the 
 express order of Gio-gio from touching a certain sum out of 
 the treasury, which he had been accustomed to throw out 
 of his windows at stated periods, in order to keep up an 
 interest among the dregs of the people. All these mortifi- 
 cations had an effect upon the weak brain of the Cuboy. 
 He began to loathe his usual food and sometimes even 
 declined showing himself to the Bonzes at his levee, symp- 
 toms that alarmed all his friends and dependents. Instead 
 of frequenting the assemblies of the great, he now attended 
 assiduously at all groanings and christenings, grew extremely 
 fond of caudle, and held conferences with practitioners, 
 both male and female, in the art of midwifery. 
 
 When business or ceremony obliged him to visit any of 
 the Quos or Quanbukus of Meaco, he, by a surprising in- 
 stinct, ran directly to the nursery ; where, if there happened
 
 39Q ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 to be a child, in the cradle, he took it up, and if it was 
 foul, wiped it with great care and seeming satisfaction. He, 
 moreover, learned of the good woman to sing lullabies, 
 and practised them with uncommon success : but the most 
 extravagant of all his whims, was what he exhibited one day 
 in his own court-yard. Observing a nest with some eggs, 
 which the goose had quitted, he forthwith dropped his 
 trousers, and squatting down in the attitude of incubation, 
 began to stretch out his neck, to hiss and to cackle, as if he 
 had really been metamorphosed into the animal whose place 
 he now supplied. 
 
 It was on the back of this adventure that one of the 
 Bonzes, as prying, and as great a gossip as the barber of 
 Midas, in paying his morning worship to the Cuboy's 
 posteriors, spied something, or rather nothing, and was 
 exceedingly affrighted. He communicated his discovery 
 and apprehension to divers others of the cloth, and they 
 were all of opinion that some effectual inquisition should be 
 held on this phenomenon, lest the clergy of Japan should 
 hereafter be scandalised as having knowingly kissed the 
 breech of an old woman, perhaps a monster or magician. 
 Information was accordingly made to the Dairo, who gave 
 orders for immediate inspection, and Fika-kaka was formally 
 examined by a jury of matrons. Whether these were 
 actuated by undue influence, I shall not at present explain ; 
 certain it is, they found their verdict : the Cuboy non mas ; 
 and among other evident es produced to attest his metamor- 
 phosis, a certain Ximian, who pretended to have the second 
 sight, made oath that he had one evening seen the said 
 Fika-kaka in a female dress, riding through the air on a 
 broomstick. 
 
 The unhappy Cuboy being thus convicted, was divested 
 of his office, and confined to his palace in the country, 
 while Gio-gio, by the advice of his favourite, published a 
 proclamation, declaring it was not for the honour of Japan 
 that her treasury should be managed either by a witch or 
 an old woman. 
 
 Fika-kaka being thus removed, Yak-strot was appointed
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 391 
 
 treasurer and Cuboy in his place, and now ruled the roost 
 with uncontrolled authority. On the very threshold of 
 his greatness, however, he made a false step, which was one 
 cause of his tottering, during the whole sequel of his adminis- 
 tration. In order to refute the calumnies and defeat the 
 intrigues of Taycho in the assemblies of the people, he 
 chose an associate in the ministry, Fokh-si-rokhu, who was 
 at that instant the most unpopular man in the whole empire 
 of Japan ; and at the instigation of his colleague, deprived 
 of bread a great number of poor families, who subsisted 
 on petty places which had been bestowed upon them by 
 the former Cuboy. 
 
 Those were so many mouths opened to augment the 
 clamour against his own person and administration. 
 
 It might be imagined, that while he thus set one part 
 of the nation at defiance, he would endeavour to cultivate 
 the other ; and, in particular, strive to conciliate the good 
 will of the nobility, who did not see his exaltation without 
 umbrage. But, instead of ingratiating himself with them 
 by a liberal turn of demeanour, by treating them with 
 frankness and affability, granting them favours with a good 
 grace, making entertainments for them at his palace, and 
 mixing in their social parties of pleasure; Yak-strot always 
 appeared on the reserve, and under all his finery, continually 
 wore a doublet of buckram, which gave an air of stiffness and 
 constraint to his whole behaviour. He studied postures, 
 and, in giving audience, generally stood in the attitude of 
 the idol Fo ; so that he was sometimes mistaken for an image 
 of stone. He formed a scale of gesticulation in a great 
 variety of divisions, comprehending the slightest inclination 
 of the head, the front-nod, the side-nod, the bow, the half, 
 the semidemi-bow, the shuffle, the slide, the circular, 
 semi-circular, and quadrant sweep of the right foot. With 
 equal care and precision did he model the economy of his 
 looks into the divisions and sub-divisions of the full stare, 
 the side glance, the pensive look, the pouting look, the 
 gay look, the vacant look, and the solid look. To these 
 different expressions of the eye he suited the corresponding
 
 392 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 features of the nose and mouth ; such as the wrinkled nose, 
 the retorted nose, the sneer, the grin, the simper, and the 
 smile. All these postures and gesticulations he practised, 
 and distributed occasionally, according to the difference 
 of rank and importance of the various individuals with whom 
 he had communication. 
 
 But these affected airs being assumed in spite of nature, 
 he appeared as awkward as a native of Angola when he is 
 first hampered with clothes ; or a Highlander, obliged by an 
 Act of Parliament to wear breeches. Indeed, the distance 
 observed by Yak-strot in his behaviour to the nobles of 
 Niphon, was imputed to his being conscious of a sulphurous 
 smell which came from his own body ; so that greater 
 familiarity on his side might have bred contempt. He took 
 delight in no other conversation but that of two or three 
 obscure Ximians, his companions and counsellors, with 
 whom he spent all his leisure time, in conferences upon 
 politics, patriotism, philosophy, and the Belles Lettres. 
 Those were the oracles he consulted in all the emergencies 
 of state ; and with these he spent many an attic 
 evening. 
 
 The gods, not yet tired of sporting with the farce of human 
 government, were still resolved to show by what inconsider- 
 able springs a mighty empire might be moved. The new 
 Cuboy was vastly well disposed to make his Ximian favourites 
 great men. It was in his power to bestow places and pensions 
 on them, but it was not in his power to give them consequence 
 in the eyes of the public. The administration of Yak-strot 
 could not fail of being propitious to his own family, and 
 poor relations, who were very numerous. Their naked 
 backs and hungry bellies were now clothed with the richest 
 stuffs, and fed with the fat things of Japan. Every depart- 
 ment, both civil and military, was filled with Ximians. 
 Those islanders came over in shoals to Niphon, and swarmed 
 in the streets of Meaco, where they were easily distinguished 
 by their lank sides, gaunt looks, lanthorn-jaws, and long 
 sharp teeth. There was a fatality which attended the whole 
 conduct of this unfortunate Cuboy. His very partiality
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 393 
 
 to his own countrymen brought upon him at last the curses 
 of the whole clan. 
 
 Mr. Orator Taycho and his kinsman Lob-kob were not 
 idle in the meantime. They provided their emissaries, 
 and primed all their engines. Their understrappers filled 
 every corner of Meaco with rumours, jealousies, and sus- 
 picions. Yak-strot was represented as a statesman without 
 discernment, a minister without knowledge, and a man 
 without humanity. He was taxed with insupportable 
 pride, indiscretion, pusillanimity, rapacity, partiality, and 
 breach of faith. It was affirmed that he had dishonoured 
 the nation, and endangered the very existence of the Bupo- 
 nian religion, in withdrawing the annual subsidy from the 
 great Brut-an-tifR ; that he wanted to starve the war, and 
 betray the glory and advantage of the empire by a shameful 
 peace ; that he had avowedly shared his administration with 
 the greatest knave in Japan, that he treated the nobles of 
 Niphon with insolence and contempt ; that he had suborned 
 evidence against the ancient Cuboy Fika-kaka, who had 
 spent a long life and an immense fortune in supporting 
 the temple of Fakku-basi ; that he had cruelly turned 
 adrift a number of helpless families, in order to gratify his 
 own worthless dependants with their spoils ; that he had 
 enriched his relations and countrymen with the plunder 
 of Niphon ; that his intention was to bring over the whole 
 nation of Ximians, a savage race, who had been ever per- 
 fidious, greedy, and hostile towards the natives of the other 
 Japanese islands. Nay, they were described as monsters 
 in nature, with cloven feet, long tails, saucer eyes, iron 
 fangs and claws, who would first devour the substance of the 
 Niphonites, and then feed upon their blood. 
 
 Taycho had Legion's understanding so much in his power, 
 that he actually made it believe Yak-strot had formed a 
 treasonable scheme in favour of a foreign adventurer who 
 pretended to the throne of Japan, and the reigning Dairo 
 was an accomplice in this project for his own deposition. 
 Indeed, they did not scruple to say that Gio-gio was no more 
 than a puppet moved by his own grandmother and this
 
 394 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 vile Ximian, between whom they hinted there was a secret 
 correspondence which reflected very little honour on the 
 family of the Dairo. 
 
 Mr. Orator Taycho and his associate Lob-kob left no 
 stone unturned to disgrace the favourite, and drive him 
 from the helm. They struck up an alliance with the old 
 Cuboy, Fika-kaka, and fetching him from his retirement, 
 produced him to the beast as a martyr to loyalty and virtue. 
 They had often before this period exposed him to the 
 derision of the populace ; but now they set him up as the 
 object of veneration and esteem ; and everything succeeded 
 to their wish. Legion hoisted Fika-kaka on his back, and 
 paraded through the streets of Meaco, braying hoarse 
 encomiums on the great talents and great virtues of the 
 ancient Cuboy. His cause was now espoused by his old 
 friends Sti-phi-rum-poo and Nin-kom-poo-po, who had been 
 turned adrift along with him, and by several other Quos 
 who had nestled themselves into warm places under the 
 shadow of his protection ; but it was remarkable, that not 
 one of all the Bonzes who owed their preferment to his favours, 
 had gratitude enough to follow his fortune, or pay the least 
 respect to him in the day of his disgrace. Advantage was 
 also taken of the disgust occasioned by Yak-strot's reserve 
 among the nobles of Japan. Even the Fatzman was estranged 
 from the councils of his kinsman Gio-gio, and lent his name 
 and countenance to the malcontents, who now formed 
 themselves into a very formidable cabal, comprehending 
 a great number of the first Quos in the empire. 
 
 In order to counterbalance this confederacy, which was 
 a strange coalition of jarring interests, the new Cuboy 
 endeavoured to strengthen his administration, by admitting 
 to a share of it Gotto-mio, who dreaded nothing so much 
 as the continuation of the war, and divers other noblemen, 
 whose alliance contributed very little to his interest or 
 advantage. Gotto-mio was universally envied for his 
 wealth, and detested for his avarice : the rest were either 
 of the She-it-kums-hi-til faction, which had been long in 
 disgrace with the mobile, or men of desperate fortunes
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 395 
 
 and loose morals, who attached themselves to the Ximian 
 favourite solely on account of the posts and pensions he had 
 to bestow. 
 
 During these domestic commotions, the arms of Japan 
 continued to prosper in the Indian Ocean. Thin-quo 
 was reduced almost without opposition, and news arrived 
 that the conquest of Fan-yah was already more than half 
 achieved. At the same time, some considerable advantages 
 were gained over the enemy on the continent of Tartary, 
 by the Japanese forces under the command of Bron-xi-tic. 
 It might be naturally supposed that these events would have, 
 in some measure, reconciled the Niphonites to the new 
 ministry, but they produced rather a contrary effect. The 
 blatant beast was resolved to rejoice at no victories but 
 those that were obtained under the auspices of its beloved 
 Taycho, and now took it highly amiss that Yak-strot should 
 presum." to take any step which might redound to the glory 
 of the empire. Nothing could have pleased the monster at 
 this juncture so much as the miscarriage of both expeditions, 
 and a certain information that all the troops and ships 
 employed in them had miserably perished. The King of 
 Corca, however, was so alarmed at the progress of the 
 Japanese before Fan-yah, that he began to tremble for all 
 his distant colonies, and earnestly craved the advice of 
 the cabinet of Pekin, touching some scheme to make a 
 diversion in their favour. 
 
 The councils of Pekin have been ever fruitful of intrigues 
 to embroil the rest of Asia. They suggested a plan to the 
 King of Corea, which he forthwith put in execution. The 
 land of Fumma, which borders on the Corean territories, 
 was governed by a prince nearly allied to the King of Corea, 
 although his subjects had very intimate connections in the 
 way of commerce with the empire of Japan, which, indeed, 
 had entered into an offensive and defensive alliance with 
 this country. The Emperor of China and the King of 
 Corea having sounded the sovereign of Fumma, and found 
 him well disposed to enter into their measures, communicated 
 their scheme, in which he immediately concurred. They
 
 396 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 called upon him in public, as their friend and ally, to join 
 them against the Japanese, as the inveterate enemy of the 
 religion of Fo, and as an insolent people, who affected a 
 despotism at sea, to the detriment and destruction of all 
 their neighbours, plainly declaring that he must either 
 immediately break with the Dairo, or expect an invasion 
 on the side of Corea. The Prince of Fumma affected to 
 complain loudly of this iniquitous proposal ; he made a 
 merit of rejecting the alternative, and immediately demanded 
 of the court of Meaco the succours stipulated in the treaty 
 of alliance, in order to defend his dominions. In all appear- 
 ance, indeed, there was no time to be lost ; for the monarchs 
 of China and Corea declared war against him without further 
 hesitation, and uniting their forces on that side, ordered 
 them to enter the land of Fumma, after having given 
 satisfactory assurances in private, that the prince had nothing 
 to fear from their hostilities. 
 
 Yak-strot was not much embarrassed on this occasion. 
 Without suspecting the least collusion among the parties, he 
 resolved to take the Prince of Fumma under his protection, 
 thereunto moved by divers considerations. First and 
 foremost he piqued himself upon his good faith ; secondly, 
 he knew that the trade with Fumma was of great consequence 
 to Japan ; and therefore concluded that his supporting 
 the sovereign of it would be a popular measure ; thirdly, 
 he hoped that the multiplication of expense incurred by this 
 new war, would make the blatant beast wince under its 
 burden, and of consequence reconcile it to the thoughts 
 of a general pacification, which he had very much at heart. 
 Meanwhile he hastened the necessary succours to the land 
 of Fumma, and sent thither an old general called Le-yaw-ter, 
 in order to concert with the prince and his ministers the 
 operations of the campaign. 
 
 This officer was counted one of the shrewdest politicians 
 in Japan, and having resided many years as ambassador 
 in Fumma, was well acquainted with the genius of that 
 people. He immediately discovered the scene which had 
 been acted behind the curtain. He found that the Prince
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 397 
 
 of Fumma, far from having made any preparations for his 
 defence, had actually withdrawn his garrison from the 
 frontier places, which were by this time peaceably occupied 
 by the invading army of Chinese and Coreans ; that the few 
 troops he had were without clothes, arms, and discipline ; 
 and that he had amused the court of Meaco with false musters 
 and a specious account of levies and preparations which had 
 been made. In a word, though he could not learn the 
 particulars, he comprehended the whole mystery of the 
 secret negotiations. He upbraided the minister of Fumma 
 with perfidy, refused to assume the command of the Japanese 
 auxiliaries when they arrived, and returning to Meaco, 
 communicated his discoveries and suspicions to the new 
 Cuboy. But he did not meet with that reception which 
 he thought he deserved for intelligence of such importance. 
 Yak-strot affected to doubt ; perhaps he was not really 
 convinced, 0;, if he was, thought proper to temporise, 
 and he was in the right for so doing. A rupture with 
 Fumma at this juncture, would have forced the prince to 
 declare openly for the enemies of Japan ; in which case the 
 inhabitants of Niphon would have lost the benefit of a very 
 advantageous trade. They had already been great sufferers 
 in commerce by the breach with the King of Corea, whose 
 subjects had been used to take off great quantities of the 
 Japanese manufactures, for which they paid in gold and 
 silver, and they could ill bear such an additional loss as an 
 interruption of the trade with Fumma would have occasioned. 
 The Cuboy, therefore, continued to treat the prince of that 
 country as a staunch ally, who had sacrificed every other 
 consideration to his good faith ; and, far from restricting 
 himself to the number of troops and Fune stipulated in the 
 treaty, sent over a much more numerous body of forces 
 and ships of war ; declaring, at the same time, he would 
 support the people of Fumma with the whole power of 
 Japan. 
 
 Such a considerable diversion of the Japanese strength 
 could not fail to answer, in some measure, the expectation 
 of the two sovereigns of China and Corea ; but it did not
 
 398 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 prevent the success of the expeditions which were actually 
 employed against their colonies in the Indian Ocean. It 
 was not in his power, however, to protect Fumma, had 
 the invaders been in earnest, but the combined army of the 
 Chinese and Coreans had orders to protract the war ; and, 
 instead of penetrating to the capital, at a time when the 
 Fummians, though joined with the auxiliaries of Japan, 
 were not numerous enough to look them in the face, they 
 made a full stop in the middle of their march, and quietly 
 retired into summer quarters. 
 
 The additional incumbrance of a new continental war, 
 redoubled the Cuboy's desire of peace, and his inclination 
 being known to the enemy, who were also sick of the war, 
 they had recourse to the good offices of a certain neutral 
 power, called Sab-oi, sovereign of the mountains of Cam- 
 bodia. This prince accordingly offered his mediation at 
 the court of Meaco, and it was immediately accepted. The 
 negotiation for peace which had been broken off in the 
 ministry of Taycho, was now resumed, an ambassador 
 plenipotentiary arrived from Pekin, and Gotto-mio was 
 sent thither in the same capacity, in order to adjust the 
 articles, and sign the preliminaries of peace. 
 
 While this new treaty was on the carpet, the armament 
 equipped against Fan-yah under the command of the 
 Quo Kep-marl, and the brave admiral who had signalised 
 himself in the sea of Kamtschatka, reduced that important 
 place, where they became masters of a very strong squadron 
 of Fune belonging to the King of Corea, together with a very 
 considerable treasure, sufficient to indemnify Japan for the 
 expense of the expedition. This, though the most grievous, 
 was not the only disaster, which the war brought upon the 
 Coreans. Their distant settlement of Lli-nam was likewise 
 taken by General Tra-rep, and the inhabitants paid an 
 immense sum to redeem their capital from plunder. 
 
 These successes did not at all retard the conclusion of 
 the treaty, which was indeed become equally necessary 
 to all the parties concerned. Japan, in particular, was in 
 danger of being ruined by her conquests. The war had
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 399 
 
 destroyed so many men, that the whole empire could not 
 afford a sufficiency of recruits for the maintenance of the 
 land forces. All those who had conquered Fatsissio and 
 Fan-yah, were already destroyed by hard duty and the 
 diseases of those unhealthy climates ; above two-thirds 
 of the Fune were rotten in the course of service, and the 
 complements of mariners reduced to less than one-half of 
 their original numbers. Troops were actually wanting to 
 garrison the new conquests. The finances of Japan were 
 by this time drained to the bottom. One of her chief 
 resources was stopped by the rupture with Corea, while her 
 expenses were considerably augmented, and her national 
 credit was stretched even to cracking. All these considera- 
 tions stimulated more and more the Dairo and his Cuboy 
 to conclude the work of peace. 
 
 Meanwhile the enemies of Yak-strot gave him no quarter 
 nor respite. They vilified his parts, traduced his morals, 
 endeavoured to intimidate him with threats, which did not 
 even respect the Dairo, and never failed to insult him when 
 he appeared in public. It had been the custom, time 
 immemorial, for the chief magistrate of Meaco to make an 
 entertainment for the Dairo and his empress, immediately 
 after their nuptials, and to this banquet all the great Quos 
 in Japan were invited. The person who filled the chair 
 at present was Rhum-kikh, a half-witted politician, self- 
 conceited, headstrong, turbulent, and ambitious ; a professed 
 worshipper of Taycho, whose oratorical talents he admired, 
 and attempted to imitate in the assemblies of the people, 
 where he generally excited the laughter of his audience. 
 By dint of great wealth and extensive traffic he became a 
 man of consequence among the mob, notwithstanding an 
 illiberal turn of mind and an ungracious dress ; and now he 
 resolved to use his influence for the glory of Taycho and the 
 disgrace of the Ximian favourite. Legion was tutored for 
 the purpose, and moreover well primed with a caustic spirit 
 in which Rhum-kikh was a considerable dealer. The Dairo 
 and his young empress were received by him and his council 
 with a sullen formality in profound silence. The Cuboy
 
 4 oo ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 was pelted as he passed along, and his litter almost overturned 
 by the monster, which yelled, and brayed, and hooted 
 without ceasing, until he was housed in the city-hall, where 
 he met with every sort of mortification from the entertainer 
 as well as the spectators. At length Mr. Orator Taycho, 
 with his cousin Lob-kob, appearing in a triumphal car at the 
 city gate, the blatant beast received them with loud huzzas, 
 unharnessed their horses, and putting itself in their traces, 
 drew them through the streets of Meaco, which resounded 
 with acclamation. They were received with the same 
 exultation within the hall of entertainment, where their 
 sovereign and his consort sat altogether unhonoured and 
 unnoticed. 
 
 A small squadron of Chinese Fune having taken possession 
 of a defenceless fishery belonging to Japan, in the neighbour- 
 hood of Fatsissio, the emissaries of Taycho magnified this 
 event into a terrible misfortune, arising from the mal- 
 administration of the new Cuboy : nay, they did not scruple 
 to affirm, that he had left the fishing-town defenceless 
 on purpose that it might be taken by the enemy. This 
 clamour, however, was of short duration. The Quo Phyll- 
 Kholl, who commanded a few Fune in one of the harbours 
 of Fatsissio, no sooner received intelligence of what had 
 happened, than he embarked what troops were at hand, 
 and sailing directly to the place, obliged the enemy to 
 abandon their conquest with precipitation and disgrace. 
 
 In the midst of these transactions, the peace was signed, 
 ratified, and even approved in the great national council 
 of the Quos, as well as in the assembly of the people. The 
 truth is, the minister of Japan has it always in his power 
 to secure a majority *n both these conventions, by means 
 that may be easily guessed ; and those were not spared on 
 this occasion. Yak-strot, in a speech, harangued the great 
 council, who were not a little surprised to hear him speak 
 with such propriety and extent of knowledge, for he had been 
 represented as tongue-tied, and in point of elocution, little 
 better than the palfrey he rode. He now vindicated all 
 the steps he had taken since his accession to the helm, he
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 401 
 
 demonstrated the necessity of a pacification, explained and 
 descanted upon every article of the treaty, and finally, 
 declared his conscience was so clear in this matter, that 
 when he died, he should desire no other encomium to be 
 engraved on his tomb, but that he was the author of this 
 peace. 
 
 Nevertheless, the approbation of the council was not 
 obtained without violent debate and altercation. The 
 different articles were censured and inveighed against by the 
 Fatzman, the late Cuboy Fika-kaka, Lob-kob, Sti-phi-rum- 
 poo, Nin-kom-poo-po, and many other Quos ; but, at the 
 long run, the influence of the present ministry predominated. 
 As for Taycho, he exerted himself in a very extraordinary 
 effort to depreciate the peace in the assembly of the people. 
 He had for some days pretended to be dangerously ill, 
 that he might make a merit of his patriotism by showing 
 a contempt for his own life, when the good of his country 
 was at stake. In order to excite the admiration of the 
 public, and render his appearance in the assembly the more 
 striking, he was carried thither on a kind of hand-barrow, 
 wrapped up in flannel, with three woollen night-caps on 
 his head, escorted by Legion, whicli yelled, and brayed, 
 and whooped, and hallooed with such vociferation, that 
 every street of Meaco rung with hideous clamour. In this 
 equipage did Taycho enter the assembly, where, being held 
 up by two adherents, he, after a prelude of groans to rouse 
 the attention of his audience, began to declaim against the 
 peace as inadequate, shameful, and disadvantageous ; nay, 
 he ventured to stigmatise every separate article, though he 
 knew it was in the power of each individual of his hearers 
 to confront him with the terms to which he had subscribed 
 the preceding year, in all respects less honourable and advan- 
 tageous to his country. Inconsistencies equally glaring and 
 absurd, he had often crammed down the throats of the 
 multitude ; but they would not go down with this assembly 
 of the people, which, in spite of his flannel, his night-caps, 
 his crutches, and his groans, confirmed the treaty of peace 
 by a great majority. Not that they had any great reason 
 
 26
 
 4©2 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 to applaud the peace-makers, who might have dictated 
 their own terms, had they proceeded with more sagacity 
 and less precipitation. But Fokh-si-rokhu and his brother 
 undertakers, having the treasure of Japan at their command, 
 had anointed the greatest part of the assembly with a certain 
 precious salve, which preserved them effectually from the 
 fascinating arts of Taycho. 
 
 This orator, incensed at his bad success within doors, 
 renewed and redoubled his operations without. He ex- 
 asperated Legion against Yak-strot to such a pitch of rage 
 that the monster could not hear the Cuboy's name three 
 times pronounced without falling into fits. His confederate 
 Lob-kob, in the course of his researches, found out two 
 originals admirably calculated for executing his vengeance 
 against the Ximian favourite. One of them, called Llur-chir, 
 a profligate Bonze, degraded for his lewd life, possessed 
 a wonderful talent of exciting different passions in the 
 blatant beast, by dint of quaint rhymes, which were said to 
 be inspirations of the demon of obloquy, to whom he had 
 sold his soul. These oracles not only commanded the 
 passions, but influenced the organs of the beast in such a 
 manner, as to occasion an evacuation either upwards or 
 downwards, at the pleasure of the operator. The other, 
 known by the name of Jan-ki-dtzin, was counted the best 
 marksman in Japan in the art and mystery of dirt throwing. 
 He possessed the art of making balls of filth, which were 
 famous for sticking and stinking ; and these he threw with 
 such dexterity, that they very seldom missed their aim. 
 Being reduced to a low ebb of fortune by his debaucheries, 
 he had made advances to the new Cuboy, who had rejected 
 his proffered services, on account of his immoral character : 
 a prudish punctilio, which but ill-became Yak-strot, who 
 had paid very little regard to reputation in choosing some 
 of the colleagues he had associated in his administration. 
 Be that as it may, he no sooner understood that Mr. Orator 
 Taycho was busy in preparing for an active campaign, 
 than he likewise began to put himself in a posture of defence. 
 He hired a body of mercenaries, and provided some dirt men
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 403 
 
 and rhymers. Then, taking the field, a sharp contest and 
 pelting match ensued, but the dispute was soon terminated. 
 Yak-strot's versifiers turned out no great conjurers on the 
 trial. They were not such favourites of the demon as 
 Llur-chir. The rhymes they used, produced no other effect 
 upon Legion, but setting it a-braying. 
 
 \- The Cuboy's dirt men, however, played their parts 
 tolerably well. Though their balls were inferior in point 
 of composition to those of Jan-ki-dtzin, they did not fail 
 to discompose orator Taycho and his friend Lob-kob, whose 
 eyes were seen to water with the smart occasioned by those 
 missiles ; but these last had a great advantage over their 
 adversaries, in the zeal and attachment of Legion, whose 
 numerous tongues were always ready to lick off the ordure 
 that stuck to any part of their leaders ; and this they did 
 with such signs of satisfaction, as seemed to indicate an 
 appetite for al 1 manner of filth. 
 
 Yak-strot having suffered woefully in his own person, 
 and seeing his partisans in confusion, thought proper to 
 retreat. Yet, although discomfited, he was not discouraged. 
 On the contrary, having at bottom a fund of fanaticism, 
 which, like camomile, grows the faster for being trod upon, 
 he became more obstinately bent than ever upon prosecuting 
 his own schemes for the good of the people in their own 
 despite. His vanity was likewise buoyed up by the flattery 
 of his creatures, who extolled the passive courage he had 
 shown in the late engagement. Though every part of him 
 still tingled and stank from the balls of the enemy, he 
 persuaded himself that not one of their missiles had taken 
 place ; and of consequence, that there was something of 
 divinity in his person. Full of this notion, he discarded 
 his rhymesters and his dirt-casters as unnecessary and re- 
 solved to bear the brunt of the battle in his own individual 
 person. 
 
 Fokh-si-rokhu advised him, nevertheless, to fill his trousers 
 with gold obans, which he might throw at Legion in case 
 of necessity, assuring him that this was the only ammunition 
 which the monster could not withstand. The advice was
 
 404 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 good, and the Cuboy might have followed it, without being 
 obliged to the treasury of Japan ; for he was by this time 
 become immensely rich, in consequence of having found a 
 hoard in digging his garden ; but this was an expedient 
 which Yak-strot could never be prevailed upon to use, 
 either on this or any other occasion. Indeed, he was now 
 so convinced of his own personal energy, that he persuaded 
 his master Gio-gio to come forth and see it operate on the 
 blatant beast. Accordingly, the Dairo ascended his car 
 of state, while the Cuboy, arrayed in all his trappings, 
 stood before him with the reins in his own hands, and 
 drove directly to the enemy, who waited for him without 
 flinching. 
 
 Being arrived within dung shot of Jan-ki-dtzin, he made 
 a halt, and putting himself in the attitude of the idle Fo, 
 with a simper in his countenance, seemed to invite the 
 warrior to make a full discharge of his artillery. He did not 
 long wait in suspense. The balls soon began to whizz about 
 his ears, and a great number took effect upon his person. 
 At length, he received a shot upon his right temple, which 
 brought him to the ground. All his gewgaws fluttered, 
 and his buckram doublet rattled as he fell. Llur-chir no 
 sooner beheld him prostrate, than advancing with the mon- 
 ster, he began to repeat his rhymes, at which every mouth 
 and every tail of Legion was opened and lifted up, and such 
 a torrent of filth squirted from these channels, that the 
 unfortunate Cuboy was quite overwhelmed. Nay, he must 
 have been actually suffocated where he lay, had not some 
 of the Dairo's attendants interposed, and rescued him from 
 the vengeance of the monster. He was carried home in such 
 an unsavoury pickle, that his family smelled his disaster 
 long before he came in sight ; and when he appeared in 
 this woeful condition, covered with ordure, blinded with dirt, 
 and even deprived of sense or motion, his wife was seized 
 with hysterica fassio. He was immediately stripped and 
 washed, and other means being used for his recovery, he in 
 a little time retrieved his recollection. 
 
 He was now pretty well undeceived, with respect to the
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 405 
 
 divinity of his person ; but his enthusiasm took a new turn. 
 He aspired to the glory of martyrdom, resolved to devote 
 himself as a victim to patriotic virtue. While his attendants 
 were employed in washing off the filth that stuck to his 
 beard, he recited in a theatrical tone, the stanza of a Japanese 
 bard, whose soul afterwards transmigrated into the body 
 of a Roman poet Horatius Flaccus, and inspired him with 
 the same sentiment in the Latin tongue — 
 
 Virtus repulsa, nescia sordidce 
 Intaminatis fidget honoribus 
 Nee sumit, aut ponit secures 
 Arbitrio papillaris aura*. 
 
 His friends hearing him declare his resolution of dying 
 for his country, began to fear that his understanding was 
 disturbed. They advised him to yield to the torrent, 
 which was become too impetuous to stem ; to resign the 
 Cuboyship quietly, and reserve his virtues for a more favour- 
 able occasion. In vain his friends remonstrated ; in vain 
 his wife and children employed their tears and entreaties 
 to the same purpose. He lent a deaf ear to all their solicita- 
 tions, until they began to drop some hints that seemed to 
 imply a suspicion of his insanity, which alarmed him ex- 
 ceedingly ; and the Dairo himself signifying to him in 
 private, that it was become absolutely necessary to temporise, 
 he resigned the reins of government, but with a heavy heart, 
 though not before he was assured that he should still continue 
 to exert his influence behind the curtain. 
 
 Gio-gio's own person had not escaped untouched in the 
 last skirmish. Jan-ki-dtzin was transported to such a pitch 
 of insolence, that he aimed some balls at the Dairo, and one 
 of them taking place exactly between the eyes, defiled his 
 whole visage. Had the laws of Japan been executed in 
 all their severity against this audacious plebeian he would have 
 suffered crucifixion on the spot ; but Gio-gio, being good- 
 natured even to a fault, contented himself with ordering 
 some of his attendants to apprehend and put him in the 
 public stocks, after having seized the whole cargo of filth 
 which he had collected at his habitation for the manufacture
 
 4 o6 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 of his balls. Legion was no sooner informed of his disgrace, 
 than it released him by force, being therein comforted and 
 abetted by the declaration of a puny magistrate, Praff-patt- 
 phogg, who seized this as the only opportunity he should 
 ever find of giving himself any consequence in the common- 
 wealth. Accordingly, the monster hoisting him and Jan-ki- 
 dtzin on their shoulders, went in procession through the 
 streets of Meaco hallooing, huzzaing, and extolling this 
 venerable pair of patriots, as the Palladia of the liberty of 
 Japan. 
 
 The monster's officious zeal on this occasion, was far 
 from being agreeable to Mr. Orator Taycho, who took 
 umbrage at this exaltation of his two understrappers, and 
 from that moment devoted Jan-ki-dtzin to destruction. 
 The Dairo finding it absolutely necessary for the support 
 of his Government that this dirt monger should be punished, 
 gave directions for trying him according to the laws of the 
 land. He was ignominiously expelled from the assembly 
 of the people, where his old patron Taycho not only dis- 
 claimed him but even represented him as a worthless atheist 
 and sower of sedition ; but he escaped the weight of a more 
 severe sentence in another tribunal, by retreating without 
 beat of drum, into the territories of China, where he found 
 an asylum, whence he made divers ineffectual appeals to the 
 multitudinous beast of Niphon. 
 
 As for Yak-strot, he was everything but a downright 
 martyr to the odium of the public, which produced a ferment 
 all over the nation. His name was become a term of re- 
 proach. He was burnt or crucified in effigy in every city, 
 town, village, and district of Niphon. Even his own 
 countrymen, the Ximians, held him in abhorrence and 
 execration. Notwithstanding his partiality to the natale 
 solum, he had not been able to provide for all those adven- 
 turers who came from thence in consequence of his pro- 
 motion. The whole number of the disappointed became 
 his enemies, of course ; and the rest finding themselves 
 exposed to the animosity and ill offices of their fellow 
 subjects of Niphon, who hated the whole community for
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 407 
 
 his sake, inveighed against Yak-strot as the curse of their 
 nation. 
 
 In the midst of all this detestation and disgrace, it must 
 be owned for the sake of truth, that Yak-strot was one of the 
 honestest men in Japan, and certainly the greatest benefactor 
 to the empire. Just, upright, sincere, and charitable, 
 his heart was susceptible of friendship and tenderness. He 
 was a virtuous husband, a fond father, a kind master, and a 
 zealous friend. In his public capacity he had nothing in 
 view but the advantage of Japan, in the prosecution of which 
 he flattered himself he should be able to display all the 
 abilities of a profound statesman, and all the virtues of the 
 most sublime patriotism. It was here he over-rated his own 
 importance. His virtue became the dupe of his vanity. 
 Nature had denied him shining talents, as well as that easiness 
 of deportment, that affability, liberal turn, and versatile 
 genius, without which no man can ever figure at the head 
 of an administration. Nothing could be more absurd than 
 his being charged with want of parts and understanding to 
 guide the helm of government, considering how happily 
 it had been conducted for many years by Fika-kaka, whose 
 natural genius would have been found unequal even to the 
 art and mystery of wool-combing. Besides, the war had 
 prospered in his hands as much as it ever did under the 
 auspices of his predecessor ; though, as I have before ob- 
 served, neither the one nor the other could justly claim any 
 merit from its success. 
 
 But Yak-strot's services to the public were much more 
 important in another respect. He had the resolution to 
 dissolve the shameful and pernicious engagements which 
 the empire had contracted on the continent of Tartary. He 
 lightened the intolerable burdens of the empire : he saved 
 its credit when it was stretched even to bursting. He 
 made a peace, which, if not the most glorious that might 
 be obtained, was, at least, the most solid and advantageous 
 that ever Japan had concluded with any power whatsoever ; 
 and, in particular, much more honourable, useful, and 
 ascertained, than that which Taycho had agreed to subscribe
 
 4o8 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 the preceding year ; and, by this peace, he put an end to 
 all the horrors of a cruel war, which had ravaged the best 
 parts of Asia, and destroyed the lives of six hundred thousand 
 men every year. On the whole, Yak-strot's good qualities 
 were respectable. There wa; very little vicious in his 
 composition ; and as to his follies, they were rather the 
 subjects of ridicule than of resentment. 
 
 Yak-strot's subalterns in the ministry rejoiced in secret 
 at his running so far into the north of Legion's displeasure. 
 Nay, it was shrewdly suspected that some of their emissaries 
 had been very active against him in the day of his discom- 
 fiture. They flattered themselves, that if he could be 
 effectually driven from the presence of the Dairo, they would 
 succeed to his influence ; and in the meantime would acquire 
 popularity by turning to, and kicking at, theXimian favourite, 
 who had associated them in the administration in consequence 
 of their vowing eternal attachment to his interest, and 
 constant submission to his will. Having held a secret 
 conclave to concert their operations, they began to execute 
 their plan by seducing Yak-strot into certain odious measures 
 of raising new impositions on the people, which did not 
 fail, indeed, to increase the clamour of the blatant beast, 
 and promote its filthy discharge upwards and downwards ; 
 but then the torrents were divided, and many a tail was lifted 
 up against the real projectors of the scheme which the 
 favourite had adopted. They now resolved to make a 
 merit with the Mobile, by picking a german quarrel with 
 Strot, and insulting him in public. Gotto-mio caused a 
 scrubbing-post to be set up in the night, at the Cuboy's 
 door. — The scribe Zan-ti-fic presented him with a scheme 
 for the importation of brimstone into the island of Ximo : 
 the other scribe pretended he could not spell the barbarous 
 names of the Cuboy's relations and countrymen, who were 
 daily thrust into the most lucrative employments. As for 
 Twitz-er the financier, he never approached Yak-strot 
 without clawing his knuckles in derision. At the council 
 of twenty-eight, they thwarted every plan he proposed, 
 and turned into ridicule every word he spoke. At length
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 409 
 
 they bluntly told the Dairo, that as Yak-strot resigned the 
 reins of administration in public, he must likewise give up 
 his management behind the curtain, for they were not at 
 all disposed to answer to the people for measures dictated 
 by an invisible agent. This was but a reasonable demand, 
 in which the emperor seemed to acquiesce. But the new 
 ministers thought it was requisite that they should commit 
 some overt act of contempt for the abdicated Cuboy. One 
 of his nearest relations had obtained a profitable office in the 
 island of Ximo ; and of this, the new cabal insisted he should 
 be immediately deprived. The Dairo remonstrated against 
 the injustice of turning a man out of his place for no other 
 reason but to satisfy their caprice, and plainly told them 
 he could not do it without infringing his honour, as he 
 had given his word that the possessor should enjoy the post 
 for life. 
 
 Far from being satisfied with this declaration, they 
 urged their demand with redoubled importunity, mixed 
 with menaces which equally embarrassed and incensed 
 the good-natured Dairo. At last Yak-strot, taking com- 
 passion upon his indulgent master, prevailed upon his 
 kinsman to release him from the obligation of his word, 
 by making a voluntary resignation of his office. The Dairo 
 fell sick of vexation, his life was despaired of, and all Japan 
 was filled with alarm and apprehension at the prospect of an 
 infant's ascending the throne: for the heir apparent was still 
 in the cradle. 
 
 Their fears, however, were happily disappointed by the 
 recovery of the emperor, who, to prevent as much as possible 
 the inconveniences that might attend his demise, during the 
 minority of his son, resolved that a regency should be 
 established and ratified by the states of the empire. The 
 plan of this regency he concerted in private with the venerable 
 princess his grandmother, and his friend Yak-strot , and then 
 communicated the design to his ministers, who knowing 
 the quarter from whence it had come treated it with coldness 
 and contempt. They were so elevated by their last triumph 
 over the Ximian favourite, that they overlooked even
 
 410 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 obstacle to their ambition, and determined to render the 
 Dairo dependent on them, and them only. With this 
 view they threw cold water on the present measure ; and 
 to mark their hatred of the favourite more strongly in 
 the eyes of Legion, they endeavoured to exclude the name 
 of his patroness, the Dairo's grandmother, from the deed 
 of regency, though their malice was frustrated by the 
 vigilance of Yak-strot, and the indignation of the states, 
 who resented this affront offered to the family of their 
 sovereign. 
 
 The tyranny of this junto became so intolerable to Gio-gio, 
 that he resolved to shake off their yoke, whatever might be 
 the consequence ; but before any effectual step was taken 
 for this purpose, Yak-strot, who understood mechanics, 
 and had studied the art of puppet playing, tried an experi- 
 ment on the organs of the cabal, which he tampered with 
 individually without success. 
 
 Instead of uttering what he prompted, the sounds came 
 out quite altered in their passage. Gotto-mio grunted ; 
 the Financier Twitz-er bleated, or rather brayed ; one scribe 
 mewed like a cat, the other yelped like a jackal. In short, 
 they were found so perverse and refractory, that the master 
 of the motion kicked them off the stage, and supplied the 
 scene with a new set of puppets made of very extraordinary 
 materials. They were the very figures through whose 
 pipes the charge of mal-administration had been so loudly 
 sounded against the Ximian favourite. They were now 
 mustered by the Fatzman, and hung upon pegs of the 
 very same puppet-showman against whom they had so vehe- 
 mently inveighed. Even the super-annuated Fika-kaka 
 appeared again upon the stage as an actor of some conse- 
 quence ; and insisted upon it, that his metamorphosis 
 was a mere calumny. But Taycho and Lob-kob kept aloof, 
 because Yak-strot had not yet touched them upon the 
 proper keys. 
 
 The first exhibition of the new puppets was called Topsy- 
 turvy, a farce in which they overthrew all the paper houses 
 vluch their predecessors had built ; but they performed
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 411 
 
 their parts in such confusion, that Yak-strot interposing 
 to keep them in order, received divers contusions and severe 
 kicks on the shins, which made his eyes water ; and, indeed, 
 he had in a little time reason enough to repent of the revolu- 
 tion he had brought about. The new sticks of administration 
 proved more stiff and unmanageable than the former ; and 
 those he had discarded, associating with the blatant beast, 
 debaubed him with such a variety of filth, drained from all 
 the sewers of scurrility, that he really became a public 
 nuisance. Gotto-mio pretended remorse of conscience, 
 and declared he would impeach Yak-strot for the peace 
 which he himself had negotiated. Twitz-er snivelled and 
 cried, and cast figures to prove that Yak-strot was born for 
 the destruction of Japan, and Zan-ti-fic hired an incendiary 
 Bonze called Toks, to throw fire-balls by night into the palace 
 of the favourite. 
 
 In this distress Strot cast his eyes on Taycho the monster- 
 tamer, who alone seemed able to overbalance the weight 
 -of all other opposition ; and to him he made large advances 
 accordingly ; but his offers were still inadequate to the 
 expectations of that demagogue, who, nevertheless, put on 
 a face of capitulation. He was even heard to say that 
 Yak-strot was an honest man and a good minister : nay, he 
 declared he would ascend the highest pinnacle of the highest 
 pagod in Japan, and proclaim that Yak-strot had never, 
 directly or indirectly, meddled with administration since 
 he resigned the public office of minister. Finding him, 
 however, tardy and phlegmatic in his proposals, he thought 
 proper to change his phrase, and in the next assembly of the 
 people swore, with great vociferation, that the said Yak-strot 
 was the greatest rogue that ever escaped the gallows. This 
 was a necessary fillip to Yak-strot, and operated upon him 
 so effectually, that he forthwith sent a carte blanche to the 
 great Taycho, and a treaty was immediately ratified on the 
 following conditions : that the said Taycho should be 
 raised to the rank of Quanbuku, and be appointed conservator 
 of theD.iiro's signet; that no state measure should be taken 
 without his express approbation ; that his creature the
 
 412 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 lawyer Praff-fog should be ennobled and preferred to 
 the most eminent place in the tribunals of Japan, and 
 that all his friends and dependants should be provided 
 for at the public expense, in such a manner as he himself 
 should propose. 
 
 His kinsman Lob-kob, however, was not comprehended 
 in this treaty, the articles of which he inveighed against 
 with such acrimony, that a rupture ensued betwixt these 
 two originals. The truth ij, Lob-kob was now so full 
 of his own importance, that nothing less than an equal 
 share of administration would satisfy his ambition ; and 
 this was neither in Taycho's power nor inclination to 
 grant. 
 
 The first consequence of this treaty was a new shift of 
 hands, and a new dance of ministers. The chair of prece- 
 dency was pulled from under the antiquated Fika-kaka, 
 who fell upon his back ; and his heels flying up, discovered 
 but too plainly the melancholy truth of his metamorphosis. 
 All his colleagues were discarded, except those who thought 
 proper to temporise and join in dancing the hay, according 
 as they were actuated by the new partners of the puppet- 
 show. This coalition was the greatest masterpiece in 
 politics that Yak-strot ever performed. Taycho, the 
 formidable Taycho, whom in his single person he dreaded 
 more than all his other enemies of Japan united, was now 
 become his coadjutor, abettor, and advocate ; and, which 
 was still of more consequence to Strot, that demagogue 
 was forsaken of his good genius Legion. 
 
 The many-headed monster would have swallowed down 
 every other species of tergiversation in Taycho, except a 
 coalition with the detested favourite, and the title of Quo, 
 by which he formally renounced its society : but these were 
 articles which the mongrel could not digest. The tidings 
 of this union threw the beast into a Lind of stupor, from 
 which it was roused by blisters and cauteries applied by 
 Gotto-mio, Twitz-er, Zan-ti-fic, with his understrapper 
 Toks, now reinforced by Fika-kaka, and his discarded asso- 
 ciates : for their common hatred to Yak-strot, like the rod
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 413 
 
 of Moses, swallowed up every distinction of party, and 
 every suggestion of former animosity, and they concurred 
 with incredible zeal, in rousing Legion to a due sense of 
 Taycho's apostasy. The beast, so stimulated, howled three 
 days and three nights successively at Taycho's gate ; then 
 was seized with a convulsion, that went off with an evacuation 
 upwards and downwards, so offensive that the very air was 
 infected. 
 
 The horrid sounds of the beast's lamentation, the noxious 
 effluvia of its filthy discharge, joined to the poignant remorse 
 which Taycho felt at finding his power over Legion dissolved, 
 occasioned a commotion in his brain, and this led him into 
 certain extravagances, which gave his enemies a handle 
 to say he was actually insane. His former friends and 
 partisans thought the best apology they could make for the 
 inconsistency of his conduct, was to say he was non compos ; 
 and this report was far from being disagreeable to Yak-strot, 
 because it would at any time furnish him with a plausible 
 pretence to dissolve the partnership, at which he inwardly 
 repined; for it was necessity alone that drove him to a partition 
 of his power with a man so incapable of acting in concert 
 with any colleague whatsoever. 
 
 In the meantime Gotto-mio and his associates left no 
 stone unturned to acquire the same influence over Legion, 
 which Taycho had so eminently possessed ; but the beast's 
 faculties, slender as they were, seemed now greatly impaired, 
 in consequence of that arch empiric's practices upon its 
 constitution. In vain did Gotto-mio whoop and holloa, in 
 vain did Twitz-er tickle its long ears, in vain did Zan-ti-fic 
 apply sternutatories, and his Bonze administer inflammatory 
 glysters ; the monster could never be brought to a right 
 understanding, or at all concur with their designs except 
 in one instance, which was its antipathy to the Ximian 
 favourite. This had become so habitual, that it acted 
 mechanically upon its organs even after it had lost all 
 other signs of recognition. As often as the name of 
 Yak-strot was pronounced, the beast began to yell, and 
 all the usual consequences ensued ; but whenever his new
 
 4 i4 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 friends presumed to mount him, he threw himself upon 
 his back, and rolled them in the kennel at the hazard of 
 their lives. 
 
 One would imagine there was some leaven in the nature 
 of Yak-strot, that soured all his subalterns who were natives 
 of Niphon ; for howsoever they promised all submission 
 to his will, before they were admitted into his motion, 
 they no sooner found themselves acting characters in his 
 drama, than they began to thwart him in his measures, 
 so that he was plagued by those he had taken in, and perse- 
 cuted by those he had driven out. The two great props 
 which he had been at so much pains to provide, now failed 
 him. Taycho was grown crazy, and could no longer manage 
 the monster, and Quam-ba-cun-dono the Fatzman, whose 
 authority had kept several puppets in awe, died about this 
 period. 
 
 These two circumstances were the more alarming, as 
 Gotto-mio and his crew began to gain ground, not only 
 in their endeavours to rouse the monster, but also in tamper- 
 ing with some of the acting puppets, to join their cabal and 
 make head against their master. These exotics grew so 
 refractory, that when he tried to wheel them to the right, 
 they turned to the left about ; and instead of joining hands 
 in the dance of politics, rapped their heads against each 
 other with such violence, that the noise of the collision 
 was heard in the street, and if they had not been made of 
 the hardest wood in Japan, some of them would certainly 
 have been split in the encounter. 
 
 By this time Legion began to have some sense of its own 
 miserable condition. The effects of the yeast potions which 
 it had drnnk so liberally from the hands of Taycho, now 
 wore off. The fumes dispersed, the illusions vanished, 
 the flatulent tumour of its belly disappeared with innumer- 
 able explosions, leaving a hideous lankness and such canine 
 appetite as all the eatables of Japan could not satisfy. After 
 having devoured the whole harvest, it yawned for more, and 
 grew quite outrageous in its hunger, threatening to feed on 
 human flesh, if not plentifully supplied with other viands.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 415 
 
 In this dilemma Yak-strot convened the council of twenty- 
 eight, where, in consideration of the urgency of the case, 
 it was resolved to suspend the law against the importation 
 of foreign provisions, and open the ports of Japan for the 
 relief of the blatant beast. 
 
 As this was vesting the Dairo with a dispensing power 
 unknown to the constitution of Japan it was thought necessary 
 at the next assembly of the Quos and Quanbukus that con- 
 stitute the legislature, to obtain a legal sanction for that 
 extraordinary exercise of prerogative, which nothing but 
 the salus fofuli could excuse. Upon this occasion it was 
 diverting to see with what effrontery individuals changed 
 their principles with their places. Taycho the Quo, happen- 
 ing to be in one of his lucid intervals, went to the assembly 
 supported by his two creatures Praff-fog and another limb 
 of the law, called Lley-nah, surnamed Gurg-grog, or Curse- 
 mother ; and this triumvirate who had raised themselves 
 from nothing to the first rank in the state, by vilifying 
 and insulting the kingly power and affirming that the 
 Dairo was the slave of the people, now had the impudence 
 to declare in the face of day, that in some cases the 
 emperor's power was absolute, and that he had an inherent 
 right to suspend and supersede the laws and ordinances 
 of the legislature. 
 
 Mura-clami, who had been for some time eclipsed in his 
 judicial capacity by the popularity of Praff-fog, did not fail 
 to seize this opportunity of exposing the character of his 
 upstart rival. Though he had been all his life an humble 
 restrainer to the prerogative, he now made a parade of 
 patriotism, and in a tide of eloquence bore down all the 
 flimsy arguments which the triumvirate advanced. He 
 demonstrated the futility of their reasoning, from the express 
 laws and customs of their empire ; he expatiated on the 
 pernicious tendency of their doctrine, and exhibited the 
 inconsistency of their conduct in such colours, that they 
 must have hid their heads in confusion, had they not happily 
 conquered all sense of shame, and been well convinced 
 that the majority of the assembly were not a whit more
 
 4i 6 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 honest than themselves. Mura-clami enjoyed a momentary 
 triumph ; but his words made a very slight impression, 
 for it was his misfortune to be a Ximian, and if his virtues 
 had been more numerous than the hairs in his beard, this 
 very circumstance would have shaved them clean away 
 from the consideration of the audience. 
 
 Taycho, opening the flood-gates of his abuse, bespattered 
 all that opposed him. Lley-nah, alias Curse-mother, swore 
 that he had got into the wrong box; then turning to Praff-fog, 
 " Brother Praff," cried he, " thou hast let down thy trousers, 
 and every rascal in Japan will whip thy a — se ! " Praff 
 was afraid of the beast's resentment, but Taycho bestrode 
 him like a Colossus, and he crept through between his legs 
 into a place of safety. This was the last time that the 
 orator appeared in public, immediately after this occurrence 
 it was found necessary to confine him to a dark chamber, 
 and Yak-strot was left to his own inventions. 
 
 In this dilemma he had recourse to the old expedient 
 of changing hands, and as a prelude to this reform, made 
 advances to Gotto-mio, whom he actually detached from 
 the opposition, by providing his friends and dependants 
 with lucrative offices, and promising to take no steps of 
 consequence without his privity and approbation. A sop 
 was at the same time thrown to Twitz-er. Zan-ti-fic, 
 lulled with specious promises, discarded Toks the incendiary 
 Bonze ; Lob-kob signed a neutrality, and old Fika-kaka was 
 deprived of the use of speech ; in a word, the ill-cemented 
 confederacy of Strot's exotic foes fell asunder, and Legion 
 had now no rage, but the rage of hunger to be appeased. 
 But the Ximian favourite was still thwarted in his operations 
 behind the curtain ; for he had so often chopped and changed 
 the figures that composed his motion, that they were all 
 of different materials, so wretchedly sorted and so ill-toned, 
 that when they came upon the scene, they produced nothing 
 but discord and disorder. 
 
 The Japanese colony of Fatsissio had been settled above a 
 century, and in the face of a thousand dangers and difficulties 
 raised themselves to such consideration that they consumed
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 417 
 
 infinite quantities of the manufactures of Japan, for which 
 they paid their mother-country in gold and silver, and 
 precious drugs the produce of their plantations. The 
 advantages which Japan reaped from this traffic with 
 her own colonists, almost equalled the amount of what 
 she gained by her commerce with all the other parts of 
 Asia. 
 
 Twitz-er, when he managed the finances of Japan, had in 
 his great wisdom planned, procured, and promulgated a 
 law saddling the Fatsissians with a grievous tax to answer 
 the occasions of the Japanese Government ; an imposition 
 which struck at the very vitals of their constitution, by 
 which they were exempt from all burdens but such as they 
 fitted for their own shoulders. They raised a mighty 
 clamour at this innovation, in which they were joined by 
 Legion, at that time under the influence of Taycho, who, in 
 the assembly of the people, bitterly inveighed against the 
 authors and abettors of such an arbitrary and tyrannical 
 measure. 
 
 Their reproach and execration did not stop at Twitz-er, 
 but proceeded, as usual to Yak-strot, who was the general, 
 but at which all the arrows of slander, scurrility, and 
 abuse were levelled. The puppets with which he sup- 
 plied the places of Twitz-er and his associates, in order to 
 recommend themselves to Legion, and perhaps, with a 
 view to mortify the favourite, who had patronised the 
 Fatsissian tax insisted upon withdrawing this imposition, 
 which was accordingly abrogated, to the no small contempt 
 of the lawgivers ; but when these new ministers were turned 
 out, to make way for Taycho and his friends, the interest 
 of the Fatsissians was again abandoned. Even the orator 
 himself declaimed against them with an unembarrassed 
 countenance, after they had raised statues to him as their 
 friend and patron ; and measures were taken to make them 
 feel all the severity of an abject dependence upon the 
 legislature of Japan. Finally, Gotto-mio acceded to this 
 system, which he had formerly approved in conjunction 
 with Twitz-er, and preparations were made for using 
 
 27
 
 4 i8 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 
 
 compulsory measures, should the colonists refuse to submit 
 with a good grace. 
 
 The Fatsissians, far from acquiescing in these proceedings, 
 resolved to defend to the last extremity those liberties which 
 they had hitherto preserved ! and, as a proof of their inde- 
 pendence, agreed among themselves to renounce all the 
 superfluities with which they had so long been furnished, 
 at a vast expense, from the manufactures of Japan, since that 
 nation had begun to act towards them with all the cruelty of 
 a step-mother. It was amazing to hear and see how Legion 
 raved, and slabbered, and snapped its multitudinous jaws in 
 the streets of Meaco, when it understood that the Fatsissians, 
 were determined to live on what their own country afforded. 
 They were represented and reviled as ruffians, barbarians, 
 and unnatural monsters, who clapped the dagger to the 
 breast of their indulgent mother, in presuming to save 
 themselves the expense of those superfluities, which, by- 
 the-bye, her cruel impositions had left them no money to 
 purchase. Nothing was heard in Japan but threats of 
 punishing those ungrateful colonists with whips and scor- 
 pions. For this purpose troops were assembled and fleets 
 equipped, and the blatant beast yawned with impatient 
 expectation of being drenched with the blood of its 
 fellow-subjects. 
 
 Yak-strot was seized with horror at the prospect of such 
 extremities ; for, to give the devil his due, his disposition 
 was neither arbitrary nor cruel ; but he had been hurried 
 by evil counsellors into a train of false politics, the conse- 
 quences of which he did not foresee. He now summoned 
 council after council to deliberate upon conciliatory expe- 
 dients ; but found the motley crew so divided by self-interest, 
 faction, and mutual rancour, that no consistent plan could be 
 formed ; all was nonsense, clamour and contradiction. The 
 Ximian favourite now wished all his puppets at the devil, 
 and secretly cursed the hour in which he first undertook 
 the motion. He even fell sick of chagrin, and resolved in 
 good earnest, to withdraw himself entirely from the political 
 helm, which he was now convinced he had no talents to
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM 419 
 
 guide. In the meantime, he tried to find some temporary 
 alleviation to the evils occasioned by the monstrous incon- 
 gruity of the members and materials that composed his 
 administration. But before any effectual measure, could 
 be taken, his evil genius ever active, brewed up a new storm 
 in another quarter, which had well-nigh swept him and all 
 his projects into the gulf of perdition. 
 
 the end 
 
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